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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kavin-jay-everybody-calm-down-full-transcript/ | KAVIN JAY: EVERYBODY CALM DOWN! (2018) – Full Transcript | kavin jay | Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Kavin Jay: Everybody Calm Down! Now, please put your hands together for the guy whose name is in the title, Kavin Jay! Singapore, how are you guys doing? Oh, yeah, it’s a lot… It took a lot of balls. It took a lot of balls for a Malaysian guy to shoot his special in Singapore. Oh, this is gonna be… You guys look beautiful. All right, uh… Singaporeans, make some noise! Malaysians, make some noise! I would like to thank the production company, because, uh, they put me up in a very nice hotel. All right. It’s so posh, that the towels are so fluffy, I couldn’t close my suitcase. I had to take out the shampoo and conditioner. All right, before I start, ladies and gentlemen, please, please give yourselves a round of applause. I love that phrase, right, “Give yourselves a round of applause.” It’s such a beautiful phrase, right? A lot of emcees use it, a lot of, uh, you know, comedians use it. But it’s one of those things where I find it to be very Asian. Right? Because y’all did all the work. You all bought the tickets. You all braved the jam. You all came here, you all found your seats. And now, you all are great audience. And now, give yourself the reward. That’s like my wife coming home and saying, “Oh, you did the dishes. Give yourself a blowjob.” Which I’ve tried, it’s very difficult. Which is also why I picked up yoga. Uh… You’ll never see Downward Facing Dog the same way again. Uh… Aw, ladies and gentlemen, look, I’m gonna, I’m gonna bring it out right in the front, right, I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell you all something that maybe you all may not have noticed. Uh, I am a bit overweight. You laughed a bit too hard there, my friend. I know, I know I’m big. I know I’m big. Like, you see, the thing is, I travel around the world doing comedy now, and it’s weird, though, because I went to Europe, and I found out I’m not that big. I went to America, I found out I am a medium. And I had to shop in Baby Gap. Right, but it’s one of those things, in Asia, I’m the Michelin Man. I am so fat that parents use me to discipline their children. Hey, I was walking down the street, a mother looked at me, looked at her child and said, “If you don’t behave, that man will eat you!” And that’s what I do, I eat children. Uh… They are delicious and gluten-free. I’m only joking. They are not gluten-free. Uh… Uh, but Malaysians, Malaysians, they have this honesty about them, right? They don’t care whether you’re fat, ugly or whatever. They tell you straight to your face. Right? Like… I don’t know if you know this, but for a few years, I did radio in Malaysia, right? As I was doing radio in Malaysia, a lot of people didn’t realize that I was the stand-up comedian Kavin Jay and the radio personality Kavin Jay. They thought it was two different person. One lady in a show made that connection. Like, for her, like, “Wow!” Right? After the show, she came up to me, she’s like, “Oh, you’re the Kavin Jay on radio, is it?” I’m like, “Yeah, I also do radio.” And she’s like, “Wow, you sound skinny on radio.” Fuck your mother! What do you want me to do? Why… How do you sound fat on radio? What, like constantly having a heart attack the whole time? I love chicken rice, salad, and burger. But let me tell you, let me tell you a story about how I came to this realization that maybe, maybe I should lead a healthier lifestyle. Right? This is what happened. This is a true story that happened to me a couple of months ago. Now, I had a show in Manila, right? And I had to fly to Manila, and I had to book the tickets myself, right? So, as a Malaysian, I always fly AirAsia, right? Because it’s cheap, right? But, this time, I decided, you know what, let’s make a difference. Let’s try to make better choices, right? Let’s, let’s do something different. Right, I decided to fly Cebu Pacific… because it was cheaper. I booked the tickets online. I was happy, I was going to Manila, you know, it’s gonna be a good trip. Right, I walked up to the counter to check in, right. And then the lady behind the counter looked at me, and she said something I was not expecting. I was expecting “Hello. How are you?” Maybe even a “Mabuhay,” right? The lady behind the counter looked at me and she said, “Sir, how much do you weigh?” Straight to my face. There were tears coming down of my eyes. Thank you for laughing at my impending diabetes. Well, I didn’t know what to do. The only thing that came out of my mouth at that time was the truth. Right, the truth came out. Right, I looked at her, and I said, uh, “I weigh 120 kilograms.” I see a lot of faces of disbelief. I understand. I completely understand this, because I know I’m deceptively slim. Okay? Because every time I try to buy a T-shirt in Malaysia, they look at me, the shop owner looks at me, and then goes, “For you, L. L. This one is a big size for you. Come on, don’t worry, L.” And then I walk out with a sports bra. I have a few sports bras now. Which is very nice. But also, like, it’s very difficult. I like wearing clothes, guys. I really like wearing clothes. But it’s so hard for me to buy clothes in Asia. Like, I… Look. When I was coming here, I like to wear funny T-shirts, as you can see. I like to wear funny T-shirts. I wanted to buy a T-shirt that I could wear for this special. Right. I was in Singapore yesterday, I saw a T-shirt that said, “Fat people are hard to kidnap.” I laughed, too, right? I wanted that T-shirt. Right, I wanted to buy the T-shirt. I walked up to the shop owner, I said, “Do you have this in double XL?” “Uh… Don’t have.” I said, “What’s the biggest size you have?” “S.” What a dickhead. Uh… All I’m saying, all I’m saying is, if you’re a size S, and you’re wearing a T-shirt that says, “Fat people are hard to kidnap,” I will stab you, all right? Back to our story, back to our story. I’m 120 kilograms, right. And then, this lady, she looked at me, and she said something even more unexpected, right. She looked at me and she said, “Sir, if you weigh above a certain amount, you must buy two seats… on the plane.” Right. Lowest point of my life. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t wanna argue. I didn’t wanna argue. Right, you know what, I bought two seats. I just bought two seats. Right, because I thought to myself, “Two meals.” I took the tickets and I very solemnly, very solemnly… very sadly walked to the plane… to find my seats. And that’s when I found out that the seats were not together! What the fuck, guys! One was at the front of the plane and one was at the back of the plane! What are you trying to do, balancing, is it? Unbelievable! I realized now, I realized now I’ve come to a point I’m so fat that when I drop things on the floor, I let it go. Right? The other day, I was walking around, five ringgit fell down, “Fuck it, I’ll make more money. It’s fine.” Right. Dropped my car keys, “Fuck it, I’ll take Uber!” Like Malaysia and Singapore, okay, I have to explain the history a bit, right, for some people. Like, do we have anyone here from outside of Malaysia and Singapore? Make some noise! Hey, where are you guys from? Australia. -Australia. All right, so, the thing is, you have to understand Malaysia and Singapore, we have a relationship, right? And we have some animosity. It’s like Australia and New Zealand, I guess. Yeah? It’s like India and Pakistan, right? It’s like America and the rest of the world. Right, there is some animosity. And here is the thing, I think the best example would be India and Pakistan, right? Because they were… They were one family. And then, they split up. Right? Like, India and Pakistan, they were cousins. Right, they lived, they grew up together. And then, one day, Pakistan left. And came back with an AK-47. “Calm down, Pakistan. What are you doing?” Like, you know, like Malaysia and Singapore, it’s the same thing. We were cousins, we were family, we grew up together, right? And then, Singapore left. And came back with a BMW. Right. It’s one of those things where Malaysians, we… Okay, let me tell you one thing, we’re a little bit jealous. Okay, we also want a BMW. Okay, but what we got… Proton. Right, so… Never mind, never mind. It’s okay, we like our Proton. We love our Proton. Right? But here’s the thing, though. I mean, I’m sure you guys are lovely, I’m sure you Singaporeans are lovely, right? But there are Singaporeans, who, you know, I don’t like. And those are the people who think that Singapore is better than Malaysia, right? Is there anyone who thinks like that here? Make some noise! Gosh! I still got people clapping like… Uh… No, but the thing is, some people do think that Singapore is better than Malaysia. I always hear this from my.. From these guys. Right, “Oh, Singaporean nasi lemak is better than Malaysian nasi lemak.” No! No! Of course not. Right? I tried your nasi lemak. I tried your nasi lemak, guys. I went to Punggol to try your Punggol nasi lemak, famous. Right. When I ordered my nasi lemak, they gave me so little sambal. Right. On the menu, it said “a hint of sambal.” What I saw was a rumor of sambal. Where the fuck is my sambal? Right? And I did what any Malaysian would do, I asked for more sambal. I went up to the counter, I asked for more sambal. You know what they said? I had to pay extra for sambal. Pay extra for sambal? What kind of Communist country is this? Fifty cents extra, that’s like Malaysian ringgit, 3,000 or something, right? Around about, around about, you know. It’s not accurate, but, you know, you get the point. Right? And then another one. Oh, oh… Singaporean bak kut teh is better than Malaysian bak kut teh. Is that true? No. Even the Muslims are answering at this point. Hey. Even the Muslims are like, “We don’t know what bak kut teh tastes like, but we believe!” Right? Because, look, your bak kut teh is white in color. It’s white in color. It’s so white, it’s trying to get a local wife. That is how white it is. Right. Oh, another one. Oh. Singaporean government is better than… Malaysian… Listen, guys, we can’t win every argument, all right? But at least we got nasi lemak! Yeah! We hold on to what we got. Right. Well, here’s the thing, I come down to Singapore to do a lot of shows. And a lot of my Malaysian friends would come around and say, did you know that they do the usual Singapore stereotype? “Hey, Singaporeans have no sense of humor, why do you comedy do there? Singaporeans have no sense of humor.” And I find this to be wrong. Singaporeans, you all have a sense of humor. Right? You all have a sense of humor. It’s just a little misplaced. Like, for instance, right, in Singapore, right, you all thought it was a good idea to have a restaurant called Hooters… in Singapore. Really? I mean, for those of you who are pretending not to know what Hooters is, because you are sitting next to your girlfriends or wives. Hooters is a place where they wear skimpy outfits to show off their assets, right? So that they get tips at the end of the night, right? To show off their assets in Singapore. What is the fucking point? Because when I went there, I had the biggest breasts. Not only did I win the Wet T-Shirt Contest, I got second and third. It’s free drinks all night, man. And another thing, another thing I realized about Singapore is that you have, you guys have trouble letting go. Three years ago, this was three years ago, guys. Three years ago, you all had a riot in Singapore. Little India riots. Right? Still fresh in everybody’s mind. Everybody’s like, “Yeah, correct.” Right? I opened the newspaper, “Singapore is ready for new riots.” Hello? Hello. Twenty-seven Indians overturned a car. You all call that a riot? How cute! In Malaysia, we call that Tuesday. And as I found out, in India, they call that a wedding. Oh, it’s… I make fun of you, guys, but I love coming to Singapore. I love coming to Singapore, right. Uh, the last time I came here, though, it was a little bit of a weird experience, because I lost my passport, right. I lost my passport in Singapore. And if you ever lost your passport in a foreign country, you will know what this feels like. If you haven’t, try not to do it, right, because it’s a hassle. You have to make a police report. Right. And I walked into a Singapore police station. I saw things… that I’ve never seen before in my life. All right. I walked in, and your policemen… were doing work. What kind of sorcery is this? How do you all pick your police? Can you tell us? Right. I walked up to one of the policemen. He looked at me and he said, “How can I help you?” The fucker spoke English! I gathered myself, I gathered myself, I looked at him, I said, “I lost my passport.” Right. The guy looked at me and said, “Sir, where are you from?” I said, “I’m from Malaysia.” He said, “Sir, can you prove it?” So I gave him 50 ringgit and left. You know, I’m glad you guys laughed, okay, but he put me in jail! Do we have any Americans in the audience? Make some noise! Uh, well, which part of America are you from? New York! -New York! Yeah! I don’t know where that is. And now you know how that feels, right? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make fun of you, but, uh, I did a show in the U.S. It’s a very small place. Uh, I don’t know if you have heard of it. It’s called the American Embassy in Jakarta. It’s a beautiful place. It is beautiful. Right, but here’s the thing. Right, here’s the thing. The American immigration officers that were there, uh, they were… a bit strict. Let’s put it this way. Uh, they looked at my passport, right. My name in my passport is Kavin Anak Lelaki Jayaram, which is a typical Malaysian name. Anak Lelaki is “son of,” and it’s abbreviated to A/L. So, what they read was, “Kavin Al Jayaram? I have not heard of that organization. Bob, get the lube! Code Brown.” Right, here’s… I’m not saying… I’m not saying… I know, I’m a brown man with a beard. I understand the stereotype. Right, I have a mirror at home, I know what I look like. All right, but here’s the thing, I grew my beard, because I wanted to look a bit hipster. I may have misjudged the length of beard, allowed for the color of my skin. Right? So, basically, everybody just thinks I’m a terrorist, right? And flying in airports is so difficult, right? Because of “Kavin Al Jayaram.” It’s… It’s hard, but all I’m saying is, look, I know what I look like. But use a bit of common sense. Okay, use a bit of common sense. Because have you ever seen a fat terrorist? Right? Think about this. Nobody is going, “Death to America. But first, McDonalds. Supersize.” No, no. Nobody is doing that, right? But I’m from Malaysia. I’m from Malaysia, right? And I know, for a fact, that in Malaysia, we will never have terrorists. We will never have terrorists in Malaysia. Right Think about this. If you’re a terrorist in the middle of Kuala Lumpur, carrying a backpack full of explosives, we have snatch thieves. You’re not gonna get very far. Right? I mean… It’s like, “Death to America! No 72 virgins for me, huh?” Uh… Seventy-two virgins, that’s the best thing about terrorism. Wait, hold on, that came out wrong. Uh… It’s funny though, like, look, they believe that if they martyred themselves, if they kill themselves in the name of terrorism, they get 72 virgins in the afterlife. Seventy-two virgins, right. Which is a great marketing plan. If you’re a guy. Right, what if you’re a female terrorist? Right, what then? Seventy That’s not a reward, you know. That’s a punishment, right? Seventy-two men who don’t know what the hell they’re doing. Seventy-two premature ejaculations. Seventy-two Singaporean men. Everybody, calm down! It’s just jokes, all right? You know, look, I’m not gonna lie to you, we do have an accent. Malaysia, Singapore, it’s very similar. It’s very similar. We have Manglish, you have Singlish, right? It’s very similar, though. I mean, in a way that we put the “lah” at the end of every sentence just to fuck things up, right? And then, there’s also… There’s also the fact that… Malaysia and Singapore, I mean, in Malaysia, there’s a lot of people, who, you know, English is a second language. Like Singapore as well, some of you all, English is a second language, right? So it’s very difficult for us to grasp some grammatical things. Like, for instance, pluralization, right? It’s very difficult to understand when do you pluralize something and when you don’t. So, what we do, is we just pluralize everything. Right? That’s a good way to start, I guess. Like, you know, like, when you call a receptionist, “Hows may I helps you?” Right? That happens. And like, I was talking to a friend of mine, like, I was talking about his favorite anime, right. He looked at me and said, “Dragons Balls.” I’m like, “No, that’s hentai. What are you doing? It’s different. Don’t.” You know, it’s weird, though, but, uh… sometimes, just one word of a sentence, can screw things up tremendously. Right? Like, for instance, a few years ago, we had the Typhoon Haiyan that hit the Philippines, right? Now, I’m not making fun of it. I’m not making fun of it. Right, it’s a tragedy, people lost their homes, people lost their lives. Right? And as the ASEAN community, Singapore, Malaysia, we wanted to help out. Right? I wanted to help out. Giving donations of food and, you know, water and stuff like that. Right, so I walked up to this counter, collecting donations in Malaysia. And the lady behind the counter looked at me and said, “Sir… do you want to send ‘aids’… to Philippines?” I’m like, “What are we sending to Philippines?” “‘Aids. Aids’ to the Philippines.” I’m like, “Hold on, wait, hold on a minute, okay? Calm down. Wait, what… How are we sending ‘AIDS’ to the Philippines?” She’s like, “Don’t worry, sir, you just give me the ‘aids.’ I will personally send it for you.” Which I thought was a good delivery system. Until I found out the Americans beat us to it. Uh… Everybody, calm down! It’s just jokes, all right? Uh, but accents work both ways, though. Accents work both ways. Like, when I was 17 years old, uh, I went to England to study. Right, I lived there for five years. Now, do we have anyone from England? Make some noise! Good. Fuck them, right. Because, you see… You see, because I was going to… I was going to England, right. And I thought I was going to England where they spoke English. I thought I was prepared. Right, I did really well in the exams. I thought I was prepared. Right. My mother was an English teacher. I thought I was prepared, right. I even had friends who were English people, from England, uh, in Malaysia. And he taught me some phrases. Like, I learned from him, that if I say “I’m tired,” they would say, “I’m knackered.” Right? Difference. Right? Like, if, for instance, I say, “That’s a transvestite.” He would say, “That’s my girlfriend.” Subtle differences, right? I thought I was prepared, I knew everything. Now, I was going to, you know… And then, I took a flight from Malaysia, and I landed in Newcastle Airport. Now, if you don’t know what Newcastle is, Newcastle is like the Kelantan… of England. Where they spoke in a different accent, nobody understood them. Right, I remember I walked out, 17 years old, I walked out from the plane, and people were looking at me like, “Why aye, man?” I’m like, “Sí, señor.” “Did I take the wrong flight? What is going on? Have the Vikings not left? Where am I?” Right? I got over the accent, I got over the accent quite quick. Right, but there was one thing I didn’t get over. Which is the way the British people told time. Which was very different from the rest of the world. Because I’m used to the usual way that we have learned in school. Which was, if you asked someone the time, they would look at you and go, “It’s 8:30, 4:15.” Hour, minute, no bullshit. So easy, right? But as a 17-year-old boy, I remember asking someone the time, he looks at me, he says… “Quarter past four.” And I looked at him, I said, “Dickhead. Why are you making me do maths? I asked for the time, not a riddle, what are you doing? Why am I solving a quadratic equation right now? Why do I need a scientific calculator to tell the time? Why” Right? And then, I realized that sometimes they don’t even tell you the hour. They would just look at you and go, “It is half past.” Half past what? That’s like going to McDonalds and ordering a Big Mac, and they give you a bun. You figure out the rest. Hey, come on. Like, just tell me the time, what’s wrong with you Now, when British people ask me the time… Right. Because it took me three years, it took me three years, for… I was there for five years. For the first three years, I didn’t know what time it was. The whole time, I just kept looking at the sun. “Where the fuck is the sun?” How fucked up does a place have to be, that the sun refuses to show up? It took me three years. I read books, I did research. Right, at the end of three years, I became a maths genius. Right, I became a maths genius. Now, when British people ask me the time, I fuck with them. Now, when British people ask me the time, I go, “It is five past… quarter to… half past six.” And when they look at me all confused, I go, “Divided by eight!” Uh, ladies and gentlemen… uh, as I said, you know, traveling the world doing stand-up comedy, I realized one thing. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this. Uh, I am Malaysian, but I’m Indian by descent. Right, my parents are Indian from Malaysia. And my grandparents were from India, right. And, uh, you see, the thing is, Indians have moved around the world. Right? Everywhere, everywhere in every country, there are Indians. Like, I’ve been to Switzerland, there are Indian people there. Like, I’ve been to Fiji, there are Indian people there, right. And the thing is, everywhere in the world, this is the stereotype of Indian people. “Tiki, tiki, tiki, I work at 7-Eleven. Tiki, tiki, tiki, I fix your computer. Tiki, tiki.” Fuck you guys for laughing at that. But in Malaysia, it’s a little bit different. It’s a little bit different. Right, this is the stereotype of Indian people. “Tiki, tiki, tiki, I stab you. Tiki, tiki, tiki, I steal your computer.” Right? You know, but the thing is, that is the stereotype of Indian people in Malaysia, right. And I grew up in Malaysia as an Indian, right. And it’s hard, though. Because my dad… My dad has a very thick Indian accent, right. My dad… I didn’t quite understand him when I was younger because when… He used to give me advice, right. When I was younger, he would come up to me and say, “Son, if you’re looking for the right woman, you must look for the three B’s. The brains, the beauty… and the ‘bersonality’.” I have not found the “bersonality” yet, ladies and gentlemen. But here’s the thing, me and my dad have a relationship, right. Like every other Asian dad and son. Right. Like, for instance, you, sir. Like you and your dad. Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Yes. -Yeah. Fair enough. Did your dad ever tell you, “I love you,” in your whole life? -Maybe once or twice. Maybe once or twice. Well done. Because my father has never been that drunk, I guess. I… I don’t know, my dad has never told me he loves me. Right, he has never told me he loves me. Like, it’s weird, because now, I have a child of my own, right, a beautiful six-year-old girl. Right. And I love her, I love her, I tell her I love her every day. And I realized that my father tells her… he loves her, too. What about me? With her, he can say it, but with me, he cannot. And I asked him, I looked at him and I said, “Dad, why… How come you’ve never said ‘I love you’ to me?” And he looked at me and said, “Why must I tell you? You’re alive, aren’t you?” Right? Like, my dad, my dad loves alcohol. He drinks… a lot. Borderline alcohol problem, right. But… But he drinks a lot, and the thing is, I owe everything to my dad. I owe a lot of things to my dad, right. Because I wouldn’t be a comedian if it wasn’t for my dad. Right, because my dad would tell me jokes when I was younger. Right. Maybe they were a little bit inappropriate, but he would tell me jokes when he drinks. Like, I remember this one joke he told me. Let me see if you like it, right? Uh, when I was younger, he came up to me and he said, “Son, why do Chinese people like to watch porno movies backwards? Because they like to see the prostitute give the money back.” Listen, listen, I’m glad you guys liked it, all right. But I was five years old, all right? And I remember, like, my dad… I looked at my dad, like, “Dad, what’s a prostitute?” And my dad was like, “Your auntie! Your auntie is a prostitute!” My mother recently added me on Facebook. Right. Uh, it’s hard to get up in the morning to find out you have been poked by your mother. I remember the first time my mother poked me, my father liked it. It was very bad. Like, okay, my mom is… She has a smartphone now. She has a smartphone. Right, like, how many of you all are in a family WhatsApp group? Make some noise. How many of you all wanna kill yourselves? Make some noise! Right! It’s one of those… The worst thing ever! The family WhatsApp where you can’t leave the group. It’s like leaving the fucking family. Like what is the point of the family WhatsApp group? Ten thousand messages in the morning. “Good morning, family.” Really You have never said good morning to me to my face! But now, suddenly, so many messages, all with pictures… of angels. “Good morning, family.” What are you doing And my mom, she likes to forward messages, wholesale. Wholesale forward messages from one group to another. Doesn’t read through the messages. She just forwards the messages from one group to another. Like, the other day, I got a message, “Oh, chicken causes cancer.” Three minutes later, “Rice causes cancer.” Five minutes later, “Come home, chicken curry and rice for dinner.” Commitment, Mother. I realized, I didn’t have a very good relationship with my parents when I was growing up. And I guess I understand why. Because I wasn’t a very good kid when I was growing up. Right, for instance, for instance, this is something I used to do, I used to shoplift a lot. I used to shoplift, right. I guess it’s a way to get attention. Right? It’s a way to get attention. It’s also a way for… You know, I didn’t get a lot of money when I was a kid, so I thought, there’s things that I wanted and I just took it right from the shops. Like, for instance, here’s one thing, uh… As an example, I used to steal condoms from the shop. But, okay, look, I still do it now. I still steal condoms, not because of attention. Now, I just do it, because I can’t deal with the judgment of the person behind the counter when you buy a condom, right? It’s very difficult. It’s very difficult. Like, when I buy condoms, I put it in the counter, they look at me, look at the condoms and go… “Oh… You’re having sex, huh? Twelve pack, huh? Strawberry flavor, huh?” Right, it’s very difficult to deal with that. Right? So what I do, I just steal it, I just stole it, right. And then… Well, it came to a time when I was 17 years old that I wanted to use one of the condoms. Basically, what I’m saying is, I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old. Calm down. Don’t be so happy I lost my virginity. I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old. And I found it again when I got married, though. Uh… It was in the drawer all along, right. There came a time when I had to use it, and I realized, at that time, in the ’90s, I had made a mistake. Right, I had made a mistake. Instead of stealing condoms, I had stolen Femidoms. Female condoms. Right. And, look, if you don’t know the difference, it’s the same thing, only the size of a dinner plate. I remember looking at it, going, “Shit. Is that the normal size? Am I Chinese” Right. When I was young, I used to watch a lot of porn movies. I used to watch a lot of porn movies. Okay, to be fair, I still watch it now. Because I am married. Do you remember the first porn movie you ever watched, bro? No. You don’t watch porn, of course. No. No, of course. I don’t know. I don’t even know why I looked at you, right. Because you look like the kind of guy I wanna go to your house and download your hard drive. Yeah, you look like the kind of guy I would download your hard drive, lock myself in a room for three months, come out just blind. All dissolved. But, okay, the reason I asked you is because I remember the first one I watched. It was called Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. Right. It’s absolutely true. Google this. Google this. It’s absolutely true. It does exist, right. I remember my friend… uh, got this videotape from… Brought this videotape to school. Remember VHS tapes? Do you guys remember VHS tapes? Yeah, it was on VHS tape, right. He brought it to school, told everybody that it was wrestling. But I knew what it was. I knew what it was, right. VHS tapes, the cutting-edge technology of our time. Right, the cutting-edge technology of our time. Because before that, all we had was the TV, right? And you always, like, MediaCorp, or TV1, TV2, that’s all you had, right? If you wanted to, you could not… If you wanted to go to the toilet, you either had to wait for an ad break, or you had to miss two to five minutes of the movie. Right? Then, came VHS tapes. You can rewind, you can forward. You can pause. The… The pause button. It was not a pause button, it was a dance button, wasn’t it? Right, you can be watching the most violent movie in the world, like Rambo. Pause. Unpause. Right? You can make any movie into a Bollywood movie, that’s what I’m saying. How many of you all were growing up in the ’80s? Make some noise! How many of you all grew up in the ’90s? Make some noise! You all can fuck off, right. Because… No, here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. Look at the guys who grew up in the ’80s. They’re the most innovative, the most creative, the most hardworking people in the world. You know why? You know why? Because we had to work for our porn! We had to work for our porn. Because I grew up in a time before the Internet. Before the Internet. Right now, you can download your movies, it’s like a high speed Internet. You don’t even have to download, you can stream. We didn’t have the Internet. The only thing I had was the Avon catalog. I remember the Avon catalog, my mother was an Avon lady. I used to steal the catalog, run up to the toilet, turn to page 32. Bras and panties. I remember very clearly, like, because… Here’s one thing you need to understand. Like, Malaysia, we didn’t have real women modeling the bras and panties. It was headless mannequins. Right, we had to imagine the breasts. Right, so we… And you know, we had to work hard for our porn. Like, do you guys remember dial Do you guys remember dial Yeah. You don’t know pain. You don’t know pain until you’ve had dial-up fucking Internet. Oh. Dial-up Internet. It was so hard. It was so hard, you had to wait till three o’clock in the morning to do anything questionable. Because we all had one computer in the hall. The family computer. Right. I remember, because we… I had to wait until three o’clock in the morning, right. When everybody, my father was asleep, my mother was asleep. My dog was asleep. Right, because… And my dad, my dad had a very good alarm system in the house. Right, so, whenever we wanted to go down the stairs, he knew immediately because we had creaky stairs. Right, so every time… He knew. He knew we were going. But what we did was, me and my brother, we came, we sat down, we came up with a plan. Right, we sat down, we came up with a plan. Right. Because we knew, my father snores very loudly. So what we did was, we timed our steps… with the snoring. Right, so every time… But then, there was a flaw in the plan, because, sometimes, sometimes, my father would turn to his side and stop snoring. So, it was like… And I was stuck there for hours. And when we did finally get downstairs, we had to turn on the computer. Turn on the computer. And then, half an hour later, when the computer has started up. Windows fucking NT. Then we had to turn on the loudest thing you have ever heard… in your entire life. Which was the 56K modem. It sounds like you’re molesting a Decepticon, you know? Why the hell did they have to make it so loud? Right. It was difficult because you had to… You… Oh, you couldn’t download movies, you couldn’t download… anything, you couldn’t download GIFs or so. You had to download still pictures. Still pictures, right? Only pictures. Right. Which is bad, because you had to imagine the movements yourself. Unless you’re a little bit creative and you download two pictures and go… Which is very difficult, right? Because you have to work the mouse and the joystick at the same time. Some kind of hand-eye coordination. It took 20 minutes to download one picture. Twenty minutes to download one picture. I only lasted for three. Hey, I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’ve masturbated to Pamela Anderson’s forehead so many times. I don’t even know what she looks like. But, yeah, VHS tape. Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. I remember, I was alone at home. It was going to be… a good day. I went home, I made myself some Milo. It was going to be… a good day. Put in the tape and start rewinding. It was going to be a good day. And then my mother… comes home early from work that day to spend more time with her son. I know, right. And that’s when I learned the most valuable lesson I have ever learned in my entire life. Which was… VHS tapes never ejected in an emergency. I remember my mom coming in through the gate, and I’m like, “Eject, eject, eject!” Nothing came out. Great. I’m like, I panicked, I panicked, I turned everything off. I turned on the TV, my mom walks in, she’s like, “Kavin, what are you doing?” “I’m watching the news.” And she’s like, “Kavin, if you’re watching the news, why don’t you have any pants on? And why is there an Avon catalog next to you?” I ran upstairs. I ran upstairs to the sanctuary of my room. As a 14-year-old boy, the only sanctuary you have is your room. Right? And, ladies and gentlemen, I’m not, I’m not a religious man. But that day… That day, I was a Catholic priest. I was 14 years old and molesting myself. Everybody, calm down. I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. I’ve never prayed so hard before in my life. I prayed that my mother would not find the VHS tape inside the VCR. And when I needed Him the most, ladies and gentlemen, He did not answer my prayers. Because my mother did not come home to spend more time with her son, no. She came home because she wanted to watch her favorite Indian drama… that she recorded the night before. And she thought the tape was already inside. And she just presses play. To be fair, she didn’t realize it was a different movie. Right, for the first half an hour, she didn’t realize, she was just looking at it, going… “What happened to their saris?” She called me downstairs. She called me downstairs, and she looked at me, and she said, “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell.” She had the tape in her hands, suddenly ejected. “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” And then she says the most terrifying words you can say to a 14-year-old boy. Which is, “Wait till your father comes home.” Well, that was terrifying… That was terrifying for me. Especially, because both my parents used to beat me. Let’s face it. Both my parents used to beat me all the time. Right, and, to be fair, I deserved most of the beatings. Right. Because if I wasn’t beaten, I would not be here telling you jokes. I’ll be outside robbing you. So, fair enough. But my father was hardcore. And my father was hardcore. My father had two sons. He sat us both down and said, “The reason I had two sons, is because, one day, I know I’m gonna kill one of you.” And if I’m being honest, I miss my brother. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed that my father would not come home. I was the only child in the entire world that prayed his father don’t come home. He did not answer my prayers. Because my father did come home that night. And my mom obviously told him the whole story. She told him the whole story. He knows what happened, right, but he decided to ask me. Right. “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. What is this?” I looked at him and said, “It’s a horror movie.” Because I had hope, right? And that’s when he looked at me, and said, “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. Horror movie, huh? Let’s watch it.” Right. He puts in the tape and starts rewinding it. Here I am, with my father… my mother, my brother, and my grandmother… all watching porn. Like it’s some kind of family activity. As you can imagine, it was awkward as hell, right. My mother was screaming, “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My grandmother going, “Why aren’t they wearing any saris?” My mother was screaming, “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My brother was flipping through the Avon catalog at this point. “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My dog was humping my leg. “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My father went, “Shut up! The creature from hell is not even out yet!” Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for listening to my stories. Thank you so much for making tonight so special. Thank you, everyone. Good night. | Singapore, how are you guys doing? Oh, yeah, it’s a lot… It took a lot of balls. It took a lot of balls for a Malaysian guy to shoot his special in Singapore. Oh, this is gonna be… You guys look beautiful. All right, uh… Singaporeans, make some noise! Malaysians, make some noise! I would like to thank the production company, because, uh, they put me up in a very nice hotel. All right. It’s so posh, that the towels are so fluffy, I couldn’t close my suitcase. I had to take out the shampoo and conditioner. All right, before I start, ladies and gentlemen, please, please give yourselves a round of applause. I love that phrase, right, “Give yourselves a round of applause.” It’s such a beautiful phrase, right? A lot of emcees use it, a lot of, uh, you know, comedians use it. But it’s one of those things where I find it to be very Asian. Right? Because y’all did all the work. You all bought the tickets. You all braved the jam. You all came here, you all found your seats. And now, you all are great audience. And now, give yourself the reward. That’s like my wife coming home and saying, “Oh, you did the dishes. Give yourself a blowjob.” Which I’ve tried, it’s very difficult. Which is also why I picked up yoga. Uh… You’ll never see Downward Facing Dog the same way again. Uh… Aw, ladies and gentlemen, look, I’m gonna, I’m gonna bring it out right in the front, right, I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell you all something that maybe you all may not have noticed. Uh, I am a bit overweight. You laughed a bit too hard there, my friend. I know, I know I’m big. I know I’m big. Like, you see, the thing is, I travel around the world doing comedy now, and it’s weird, though, because I went to Europe, and I found out I’m not that big. I went to America, I found out I am a medium. And I had to shop in Baby Gap. Right, but it’s one of those things, in Asia, I’m the Michelin Man. I am so fat that parents use me to discipline their children. Hey, I was walking down the street, a mother looked at me, looked at her child and said, “If you don’t behave, that man will eat you!” And that’s what I do, I eat children. Uh… They are delicious and gluten-free. I’m only joking. They are not gluten-free. Uh… Uh, but Malaysians, Malaysians, they have this honesty about them, right? They don’t care whether you’re fat, ugly or whatever. They tell you straight to your face. Right? Like… I don’t know if you know this, but for a few years, I did radio in Malaysia, right? As I was doing radio in Malaysia, a lot of people didn’t realize that I was the stand-up comedian Kavin Jay and the radio personality Kavin Jay. They thought it was two different person. One lady in a show made that connection. Like, for her, like, “Wow!” Right? After the show, she came up to me, she’s like, “Oh, you’re the Kavin Jay on radio, is it?” I’m like, “Yeah, I also do radio.” And she’s like, “Wow, you sound skinny on radio.” Fuck your mother! What do you want me to do? Why… How do you sound fat on radio? What, like constantly having a heart attack the whole time? I love chicken rice, salad, and burger. But let me tell you, let me tell you a story about how I came to this realization that maybe, maybe I should lead a healthier lifestyle. Right? This is what happened. This is a true story that happened to me a couple of months ago. Now, I had a show in Manila, right? And I had to fly to Manila, and I had to book the tickets myself, right? So, as a Malaysian, I always fly AirAsia, right? Because it’s cheap, right? But, this time, I decided, you know what, let’s make a difference. Let’s try to make better choices, right? Let’s, let’s do something different. Right, I decided to fly Cebu Pacific… because it was cheaper. I booked the tickets online. I was happy, I was going to Manila, you know, it’s gonna be a good trip. Right, I walked up to the counter to check in, right. And then the lady behind the counter looked at me, and she said something I was not expecting. I was expecting “Hello. How are you?” Maybe even a “Mabuhay,” right? The lady behind the counter looked at me and she said, “Sir, how much do you weigh?” Straight to my face. There were tears coming down of my eyes. Thank you for laughing at my impending diabetes. Well, I didn’t know what to do. The only thing that came out of my mouth at that time was the truth. Right, the truth came out. Right, I looked at her, and I said, uh, “I weigh 120 kilograms.” I see a lot of faces of disbelief. I understand. I completely understand this, because I know I’m deceptively slim. Okay? Because every time I try to buy a T-shirt in Malaysia, they look at me, the shop owner looks at me, and then goes, “For you, L. L. This one is a big size for you. Come on, don’t worry, L.” And then I walk out with a sports bra. I have a few sports bras now. Which is very nice. But also, like, it’s very difficult. I like wearing clothes, guys. I really like wearing clothes. But it’s so hard for me to buy clothes in Asia. Like, I… Look. When I was coming here, I like to wear funny T-shirts, as you can see. I like to wear funny T-shirts. I wanted to buy a T-shirt that I could wear for this special. Right. I was in Singapore yesterday, I saw a T-shirt that said, “Fat people are hard to kidnap.” I laughed, too, right? I wanted that T-shirt. Right, I wanted to buy the T-shirt. I walked up to the shop owner, I said, “Do you have this in double XL?” “Uh… Don’t have.” I said, “What’s the biggest size you have?” “S.” What a dickhead. Uh… All I’m saying, all I’m saying is, if you’re a size S, and you’re wearing a T-shirt that says, “Fat people are hard to kidnap,” I will stab you, all right? Back to our story, back to our story. I’m 120 kilograms, right. And then, this lady, she looked at me, and she said something even more unexpected, right. She looked at me and she said, “Sir, if you weigh above a certain amount, you must buy two seats… on the plane.” Right. Lowest point of my life. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t wanna argue. I didn’t wanna argue. Right, you know what, I bought two seats. I just bought two seats. Right, because I thought to myself, “Two meals.” I took the tickets and I very solemnly, very solemnly… very sadly walked to the plane… to find my seats. And that’s when I found out that the seats were not together! What the fuck, guys! One was at the front of the plane and one was at the back of the plane! What are you trying to do, balancing, is it? Unbelievable! I realized now, I realized now I’ve come to a point I’m so fat that when I drop things on the floor, I let it go. Right? The other day, I was walking around, five ringgit fell down, “Fuck it, I’ll make more money. It’s fine.” Right. Dropped my car keys, “Fuck it, I’ll take Uber!” Like Malaysia and Singapore, okay, I have to explain the history a bit, right, for some people. Like, do we have anyone here from outside of Malaysia and Singapore? Make some noise! Hey, where are you guys from? Australia. -Australia. All right, so, the thing is, you have to understand Malaysia and Singapore, we have a relationship, right? And we have some animosity. It’s like Australia and New Zealand, I guess. Yeah? It’s like India and Pakistan, right? It’s like America and the rest of the world. Right, there is some animosity. And here is the thing, I think the best example would be India and Pakistan, right? Because they were… They were one family. And then, they split up. Right? Like, India and Pakistan, they were cousins. Right, they lived, they grew up together. And then, one day, Pakistan left. And came back with an AK-47. “Calm down, Pakistan. What are you doing?” Like, you know, like Malaysia and Singapore, it’s the same thing. We were cousins, we were family, we grew up together, right? And then, Singapore left. And came back with a BMW. Right. It’s one of those things where Malaysians, we… Okay, let me tell you one thing, we’re a little bit jealous. Okay, we also want a BMW. Okay, but what we got… Proton. Right, so… Never mind, never mind. It’s okay, we like our Proton. We love our Proton. Right? But here’s the thing, though. I mean, I’m sure you guys are lovely, I’m sure you Singaporeans are lovely, right? But there are Singaporeans, who, you know, I don’t like. And those are the people who think that Singapore is better than Malaysia, right? Is there anyone who thinks like that here? Make some noise! Gosh! I still got people clapping like… Uh… No, but the thing is, some people do think that Singapore is better than Malaysia. I always hear this from my.. From these guys. Right, “Oh, Singaporean nasi lemak is better than Malaysian nasi lemak.” No! No! Of course not. Right? I tried your nasi lemak. I tried your nasi lemak, guys. I went to Punggol to try your Punggol nasi lemak, famous. Right. When I ordered my nasi lemak, they gave me so little sambal. Right. On the menu, it said “a hint of sambal.” What I saw was a rumor of sambal. Where the fuck is my sambal? Right? And I did what any Malaysian would do, I asked for more sambal. I went up to the counter, I asked for more sambal. You know what they said? I had to pay extra for sambal. Pay extra for sambal? What kind of Communist country is this? Fifty cents extra, that’s like Malaysian ringgit, 3,000 or something, right? Around about, around about, you know. It’s not accurate, but, you know, you get the point. Right? And then another one. Oh, oh… Singaporean bak kut teh is better than Malaysian bak kut teh. Is that true? No. Even the Muslims are answering at this point. Hey. Even the Muslims are like, “We don’t know what bak kut teh tastes like, but we believe!” Right? Because, look, your bak kut teh is white in color. It’s white in color. It’s so white, it’s trying to get a local wife. That is how white it is. Right. Oh, another one. Oh. Singaporean government is better than… Malaysian… Listen, guys, we can’t win every argument, all right? But at least we got nasi lemak! Yeah! We hold on to what we got. Right. Well, here’s the thing, I come down to Singapore to do a lot of shows. And a lot of my Malaysian friends would come around and say, did you know that they do the usual Singapore stereotype? “Hey, Singaporeans have no sense of humor, why do you comedy do there? Singaporeans have no sense of humor.” And I find this to be wrong. Singaporeans, you all have a sense of humor. Right? You all have a sense of humor. It’s just a little misplaced. Like, for instance, right, in Singapore, right, you all thought it was a good idea to have a restaurant called Hooters… in Singapore. Really? I mean, for those of you who are pretending not to know what Hooters is, because you are sitting next to your girlfriends or wives. Hooters is a place where they wear skimpy outfits to show off their assets, right? So that they get tips at the end of the night, right? To show off their assets in Singapore. What is the fucking point? Because when I went there, I had the biggest breasts. Not only did I win the Wet T-Shirt Contest, I got second and third. It’s free drinks all night, man. And another thing, another thing I realized about Singapore is that you have, you guys have trouble letting go. Three years ago, this was three years ago, guys. Three years ago, you all had a riot in Singapore. Little India riots. Right? Still fresh in everybody’s mind. Everybody’s like, “Yeah, correct.” Right? I opened the newspaper, “Singapore is ready for new riots.” Hello? Hello. Twenty-seven Indians overturned a car. You all call that a riot? How cute! In Malaysia, we call that Tuesday. And as I found out, in India, they call that a wedding. Oh, it’s… I make fun of you, guys, but I love coming to Singapore. I love coming to Singapore, right. Uh, the last time I came here, though, it was a little bit of a weird experience, because I lost my passport, right. I lost my passport in Singapore. And if you ever lost your passport in a foreign country, you will know what this feels like. If you haven’t, try not to do it, right, because it’s a hassle. You have to make a police report. Right. And I walked into a Singapore police station. I saw things… that I’ve never seen before in my life. All right. I walked in, and your policemen… were doing work. What kind of sorcery is this? How do you all pick your police? Can you tell us? Right. I walked up to one of the policemen. He looked at me and he said, “How can I help you?” The fucker spoke English! I gathered myself, I gathered myself, I looked at him, I said, “I lost my passport.” Right. The guy looked at me and said, “Sir, where are you from?” I said, “I’m from Malaysia.” He said, “Sir, can you prove it?” So I gave him 50 ringgit and left. You know, I’m glad you guys laughed, okay, but he put me in jail! Do we have any Americans in the audience? Make some noise! Uh, well, which part of America are you from? New York! -New York! Yeah! I don’t know where that is. And now you know how that feels, right? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make fun of you, but, uh, I did a show in the U.S. It’s a very small place. Uh, I don’t know if you have heard of it. It’s called the American Embassy in Jakarta. It’s a beautiful place. It is beautiful. Right, but here’s the thing. Right, here’s the thing. The American immigration officers that were there, uh, they were… a bit strict. Let’s put it this way. Uh, they looked at my passport, right. My name in my passport is Kavin Anak Lelaki Jayaram, which is a typical Malaysian name. Anak Lelaki is “son of,” and it’s abbreviated to A/L. So, what they read was, “Kavin Al Jayaram? I have not heard of that organization. Bob, get the lube! Code Brown.” Right, here’s… I’m not saying… I’m not saying… I know, I’m a brown man with a beard. I understand the stereotype. Right, I have a mirror at home, I know what I look like. All right, but here’s the thing, I grew my beard, because I wanted to look a bit hipster. I may have misjudged the length of beard, allowed for the color of my skin. Right? So, basically, everybody just thinks I’m a terrorist, right? And flying in airports is so difficult, right? Because of “Kavin Al Jayaram.” It’s… It’s hard, but all I’m saying is, look, I know what I look like. But use a bit of common sense. Okay, use a bit of common sense. Because have you ever seen a fat terrorist? Right? Think about this. Nobody is going, “Death to America. But first, McDonalds. Supersize.” No, no. Nobody is doing that, right? But I’m from Malaysia. I’m from Malaysia, right? And I know, for a fact, that in Malaysia, we will never have terrorists. We will never have terrorists in Malaysia. Right Think about this. If you’re a terrorist in the middle of Kuala Lumpur, carrying a backpack full of explosives, we have snatch thieves. You’re not gonna get very far. Right? I mean… It’s like, “Death to America! No 72 virgins for me, huh?” Uh… Seventy-two virgins, that’s the best thing about terrorism. Wait, hold on, that came out wrong. Uh… It’s funny though, like, look, they believe that if they martyred themselves, if they kill themselves in the name of terrorism, they get 72 virgins in the afterlife. Seventy-two virgins, right. Which is a great marketing plan. If you’re a guy. Right, what if you’re a female terrorist? Right, what then? Seventy That’s not a reward, you know. That’s a punishment, right? Seventy-two men who don’t know what the hell they’re doing. Seventy-two premature ejaculations. Seventy-two Singaporean men. Everybody, calm down! It’s just jokes, all right? You know, look, I’m not gonna lie to you, we do have an accent. Malaysia, Singapore, it’s very similar. It’s very similar. We have Manglish, you have Singlish, right? It’s very similar, though. I mean, in a way that we put the “lah” at the end of every sentence just to fuck things up, right? And then, there’s also… There’s also the fact that… Malaysia and Singapore, I mean, in Malaysia, there’s a lot of people, who, you know, English is a second language. Like Singapore as well, some of you all, English is a second language, right? So it’s very difficult for us to grasp some grammatical things. Like, for instance, pluralization, right? It’s very difficult to understand when do you pluralize something and when you don’t. So, what we do, is we just pluralize everything. Right? That’s a good way to start, I guess. Like, you know, like, when you call a receptionist, “Hows may I helps you?” Right? That happens. And like, I was talking to a friend of mine, like, I was talking about his favorite anime, right. He looked at me and said, “Dragons Balls.” I’m like, “No, that’s hentai. What are you doing? It’s different. Don’t.” You know, it’s weird, though, but, uh… sometimes, just one word of a sentence, can screw things up tremendously. Right? Like, for instance, a few years ago, we had the Typhoon Haiyan that hit the Philippines, right? Now, I’m not making fun of it. I’m not making fun of it. Right, it’s a tragedy, people lost their homes, people lost their lives. Right? And as the ASEAN community, Singapore, Malaysia, we wanted to help out. Right? I wanted to help out. Giving donations of food and, you know, water and stuff like that. Right, so I walked up to this counter, collecting donations in Malaysia. And the lady behind the counter looked at me and said, “Sir… do you want to send ‘aids’… to Philippines?” I’m like, “What are we sending to Philippines?” “‘Aids. Aids’ to the Philippines.” I’m like, “Hold on, wait, hold on a minute, okay? Calm down. Wait, what… How are we sending ‘AIDS’ to the Philippines?” She’s like, “Don’t worry, sir, you just give me the ‘aids.’ I will personally send it for you.” Which I thought was a good delivery system. Until I found out the Americans beat us to it. Uh… Everybody, calm down! It’s just jokes, all right? Uh, but accents work both ways, though. Accents work both ways. Like, when I was 17 years old, uh, I went to England to study. Right, I lived there for five years. Now, do we have anyone from England? Make some noise! Good. Fuck them, right. Because, you see… You see, because I was going to… I was going to England, right. And I thought I was going to England where they spoke English. I thought I was prepared. Right, I did really well in the exams. I thought I was prepared. Right. My mother was an English teacher. I thought I was prepared, right. I even had friends who were English people, from England, uh, in Malaysia. And he taught me some phrases. Like, I learned from him, that if I say “I’m tired,” they would say, “I’m knackered.” Right? Difference. Right? Like, if, for instance, I say, “That’s a transvestite.” He would say, “That’s my girlfriend.” Subtle differences, right? I thought I was prepared, I knew everything. Now, I was going to, you know… And then, I took a flight from Malaysia, and I landed in Newcastle Airport. Now, if you don’t know what Newcastle is, Newcastle is like the Kelantan… of England. Where they spoke in a different accent, nobody understood them. Right, I remember I walked out, 17 years old, I walked out from the plane, and people were looking at me like, “Why aye, man?” I’m like, “Sí, señor.” “Did I take the wrong flight? What is going on? Have the Vikings not left? Where am I?” Right? I got over the accent, I got over the accent quite quick. Right, but there was one thing I didn’t get over. Which is the way the British people told time. Which was very different from the rest of the world. Because I’m used to the usual way that we have learned in school. Which was, if you asked someone the time, they would look at you and go, “It’s 8:30, 4:15.” Hour, minute, no bullshit. So easy, right? But as a 17-year-old boy, I remember asking someone the time, he looks at me, he says… “Quarter past four.” And I looked at him, I said, “Dickhead. Why are you making me do maths? I asked for the time, not a riddle, what are you doing? Why am I solving a quadratic equation right now? Why do I need a scientific calculator to tell the time? Why” Right? And then, I realized that sometimes they don’t even tell you the hour. They would just look at you and go, “It is half past.” Half past what? That’s like going to McDonalds and ordering a Big Mac, and they give you a bun. You figure out the rest. Hey, come on. Like, just tell me the time, what’s wrong with you Now, when British people ask me the time… Right. Because it took me three years, it took me three years, for… I was there for five years. For the first three years, I didn’t know what time it was. The whole time, I just kept looking at the sun. “Where the fuck is the sun?” How fucked up does a place have to be, that the sun refuses to show up? It took me three years. I read books, I did research. Right, at the end of three years, I became a maths genius. Right, I became a maths genius. Now, when British people ask me the time, I fuck with them. Now, when British people ask me the time, I go, “It is five past… quarter to… half past six.” And when they look at me all confused, I go, “Divided by eight!” Uh, ladies and gentlemen… uh, as I said, you know, traveling the world doing stand-up comedy, I realized one thing. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this. Uh, I am Malaysian, but I’m Indian by descent. Right, my parents are Indian from Malaysia. And my grandparents were from India, right. And, uh, you see, the thing is, Indians have moved around the world. Right? Everywhere, everywhere in every country, there are Indians. Like, I’ve been to Switzerland, there are Indian people there. Like, I’ve been to Fiji, there are Indian people there, right. And the thing is, everywhere in the world, this is the stereotype of Indian people. “Tiki, tiki, tiki, I work at 7-Eleven. Tiki, tiki, tiki, I fix your computer. Tiki, tiki.” Fuck you guys for laughing at that. But in Malaysia, it’s a little bit different. It’s a little bit different. Right, this is the stereotype of Indian people. “Tiki, tiki, tiki, I stab you. Tiki, tiki, tiki, I steal your computer.” Right? You know, but the thing is, that is the stereotype of Indian people in Malaysia, right. And I grew up in Malaysia as an Indian, right. And it’s hard, though. Because my dad… My dad has a very thick Indian accent, right. My dad… I didn’t quite understand him when I was younger because when… He used to give me advice, right. When I was younger, he would come up to me and say, “Son, if you’re looking for the right woman, you must look for the three B’s. The brains, the beauty… and the ‘bersonality’.” I have not found the “bersonality” yet, ladies and gentlemen. But here’s the thing, me and my dad have a relationship, right. Like every other Asian dad and son. Right. Like, for instance, you, sir. Like you and your dad. Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Yes. -Yeah. Fair enough. Did your dad ever tell you, “I love you,” in your whole life? -Maybe once or twice. Maybe once or twice. Well done. Because my father has never been that drunk, I guess. I… I don’t know, my dad has never told me he loves me. Right, he has never told me he loves me. Like, it’s weird, because now, I have a child of my own, right, a beautiful six-year-old girl. Right. And I love her, I love her, I tell her I love her every day. And I realized that my father tells her… he loves her, too. What about me? With her, he can say it, but with me, he cannot. And I asked him, I looked at him and I said, “Dad, why… How come you’ve never said ‘I love you’ to me?” And he looked at me and said, “Why must I tell you? You’re alive, aren’t you?” Right? Like, my dad, my dad loves alcohol. He drinks… a lot. Borderline alcohol problem, right. But… But he drinks a lot, and the thing is, I owe everything to my dad. I owe a lot of things to my dad, right. Because I wouldn’t be a comedian if it wasn’t for my dad. Right, because my dad would tell me jokes when I was younger. Right. Maybe they were a little bit inappropriate, but he would tell me jokes when he drinks. Like, I remember this one joke he told me. Let me see if you like it, right? Uh, when I was younger, he came up to me and he said, “Son, why do Chinese people like to watch porno movies backwards? Because they like to see the prostitute give the money back.” Listen, listen, I’m glad you guys liked it, all right. But I was five years old, all right? And I remember, like, my dad… I looked at my dad, like, “Dad, what’s a prostitute?” And my dad was like, “Your auntie! Your auntie is a prostitute!” My mother recently added me on Facebook. Right. Uh, it’s hard to get up in the morning to find out you have been poked by your mother. I remember the first time my mother poked me, my father liked it. It was very bad. Like, okay, my mom is… She has a smartphone now. She has a smartphone. Right, like, how many of you all are in a family WhatsApp group? Make some noise. How many of you all wanna kill yourselves? Make some noise! Right! It’s one of those… The worst thing ever! The family WhatsApp where you can’t leave the group. It’s like leaving the fucking family. Like what is the point of the family WhatsApp group? Ten thousand messages in the morning. “Good morning, family.” Really You have never said good morning to me to my face! But now, suddenly, so many messages, all with pictures… of angels. “Good morning, family.” What are you doing And my mom, she likes to forward messages, wholesale. Wholesale forward messages from one group to another. Doesn’t read through the messages. She just forwards the messages from one group to another. Like, the other day, I got a message, “Oh, chicken causes cancer.” Three minutes later, “Rice causes cancer.” Five minutes later, “Come home, chicken curry and rice for dinner.” Commitment, Mother. I realized, I didn’t have a very good relationship with my parents when I was growing up. And I guess I understand why. Because I wasn’t a very good kid when I was growing up. Right, for instance, for instance, this is something I used to do, I used to shoplift a lot. I used to shoplift, right. I guess it’s a way to get attention. Right? It’s a way to get attention. It’s also a way for… You know, I didn’t get a lot of money when I was a kid, so I thought, there’s things that I wanted and I just took it right from the shops. Like, for instance, here’s one thing, uh… As an example, I used to steal condoms from the shop. But, okay, look, I still do it now. I still steal condoms, not because of attention. Now, I just do it, because I can’t deal with the judgment of the person behind the counter when you buy a condom, right? It’s very difficult. It’s very difficult. Like, when I buy condoms, I put it in the counter, they look at me, look at the condoms and go… “Oh… You’re having sex, huh? Twelve pack, huh? Strawberry flavor, huh?” Right, it’s very difficult to deal with that. Right? So what I do, I just steal it, I just stole it, right. And then… Well, it came to a time when I was 17 years old that I wanted to use one of the condoms. Basically, what I’m saying is, I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old. Calm down. Don’t be so happy I lost my virginity. I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old. And I found it again when I got married, though. Uh… It was in the drawer all along, right. There came a time when I had to use it, and I realized, at that time, in the ’90s, I had made a mistake. Right, I had made a mistake. Instead of stealing condoms, I had stolen Femidoms. Female condoms. Right. And, look, if you don’t know the difference, it’s the same thing, only the size of a dinner plate. I remember looking at it, going, “Shit. Is that the normal size? Am I Chinese” Right. When I was young, I used to watch a lot of porn movies. I used to watch a lot of porn movies. Okay, to be fair, I still watch it now. Because I am married. Do you remember the first porn movie you ever watched, bro? No. You don’t watch porn, of course. No. No, of course. I don’t know. I don’t even know why I looked at you, right. Because you look like the kind of guy I wanna go to your house and download your hard drive. Yeah, you look like the kind of guy I would download your hard drive, lock myself in a room for three months, come out just blind. All dissolved. But, okay, the reason I asked you is because I remember the first one I watched. It was called Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. Right. It’s absolutely true. Google this. Google this. It’s absolutely true. It does exist, right. I remember my friend… uh, got this videotape from… Brought this videotape to school. Remember VHS tapes? Do you guys remember VHS tapes? Yeah, it was on VHS tape, right. He brought it to school, told everybody that it was wrestling. But I knew what it was. I knew what it was, right. VHS tapes, the cutting-edge technology of our time. Right, the cutting-edge technology of our time. Because before that, all we had was the TV, right? And you always, like, MediaCorp, or TV1, TV2, that’s all you had, right? If you wanted to, you could not… If you wanted to go to the toilet, you either had to wait for an ad break, or you had to miss two to five minutes of the movie. Right? Then, came VHS tapes. You can rewind, you can forward. You can pause. The… The pause button. It was not a pause button, it was a dance button, wasn’t it? Right, you can be watching the most violent movie in the world, like Rambo. Pause. Unpause. Right? You can make any movie into a Bollywood movie, that’s what I’m saying. How many of you all were growing up in the ’80s? Make some noise! How many of you all grew up in the ’90s? Make some noise! You all can fuck off, right. Because… No, here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. Look at the guys who grew up in the ’80s. They’re the most innovative, the most creative, the most hardworking people in the world. You know why? You know why? Because we had to work for our porn! We had to work for our porn. Because I grew up in a time before the Internet. Before the Internet. Right now, you can download your movies, it’s like a high speed Internet. You don’t even have to download, you can stream. We didn’t have the Internet. The only thing I had was the Avon catalog. I remember the Avon catalog, my mother was an Avon lady. I used to steal the catalog, run up to the toilet, turn to page 32. Bras and panties. I remember very clearly, like, because… Here’s one thing you need to understand. Like, Malaysia, we didn’t have real women modeling the bras and panties. It was headless mannequins. Right, we had to imagine the breasts. Right, so we… And you know, we had to work hard for our porn. Like, do you guys remember dial Do you guys remember dial Yeah. You don’t know pain. You don’t know pain until you’ve had dial-up fucking Internet. Oh. Dial-up Internet. It was so hard. It was so hard, you had to wait till three o’clock in the morning to do anything questionable. Because we all had one computer in the hall. The family computer. Right. I remember, because we… I had to wait until three o’clock in the morning, right. When everybody, my father was asleep, my mother was asleep. My dog was asleep. Right, because… And my dad, my dad had a very good alarm system in the house. Right, so, whenever we wanted to go down the stairs, he knew immediately because we had creaky stairs. Right, so every time… He knew. He knew we were going. But what we did was, me and my brother, we came, we sat down, we came up with a plan. Right, we sat down, we came up with a plan. Right. Because we knew, my father snores very loudly. So what we did was, we timed our steps… with the snoring. Right, so every time… But then, there was a flaw in the plan, because, sometimes, sometimes, my father would turn to his side and stop snoring. So, it was like… And I was stuck there for hours. And when we did finally get downstairs, we had to turn on the computer. Turn on the computer. And then, half an hour later, when the computer has started up. Windows fucking NT. Then we had to turn on the loudest thing you have ever heard… in your entire life. Which was the 56K modem. It sounds like you’re molesting a Decepticon, you know? Why the hell did they have to make it so loud? Right. It was difficult because you had to… You… Oh, you couldn’t download movies, you couldn’t download… anything, you couldn’t download GIFs or so. You had to download still pictures. Still pictures, right? Only pictures. Right. Which is bad, because you had to imagine the movements yourself. Unless you’re a little bit creative and you download two pictures and go… Which is very difficult, right? Because you have to work the mouse and the joystick at the same time. Some kind of hand-eye coordination. It took 20 minutes to download one picture. Twenty minutes to download one picture. I only lasted for three. Hey, I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’ve masturbated to Pamela Anderson’s forehead so many times. I don’t even know what she looks like. But, yeah, VHS tape. Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. I remember, I was alone at home. It was going to be… a good day. I went home, I made myself some Milo. It was going to be… a good day. Put in the tape and start rewinding. It was going to be a good day. And then my mother… comes home early from work that day to spend more time with her son. I know, right. And that’s when I learned the most valuable lesson I have ever learned in my entire life. Which was… VHS tapes never ejected in an emergency. I remember my mom coming in through the gate, and I’m like, “Eject, eject, eject!” Nothing came out. Great. I’m like, I panicked, I panicked, I turned everything off. I turned on the TV, my mom walks in, she’s like, “Kavin, what are you doing?” “I’m watching the news.” And she’s like, “Kavin, if you’re watching the news, why don’t you have any pants on? And why is there an Avon catalog next to you?” I ran upstairs. I ran upstairs to the sanctuary of my room. As a 14-year-old boy, the only sanctuary you have is your room. Right? And, ladies and gentlemen, I’m not, I’m not a religious man. But that day… That day, I was a Catholic priest. I was 14 years old and molesting myself. Everybody, calm down. I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. I’ve never prayed so hard before in my life. I prayed that my mother would not find the VHS tape inside the VCR. And when I needed Him the most, ladies and gentlemen, He did not answer my prayers. Because my mother did not come home to spend more time with her son, no. She came home because she wanted to watch her favorite Indian drama… that she recorded the night before. And she thought the tape was already inside. And she just presses play. To be fair, she didn’t realize it was a different movie. Right, for the first half an hour, she didn’t realize, she was just looking at it, going… “What happened to their saris?” She called me downstairs. She called me downstairs, and she looked at me, and she said, “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell.” She had the tape in her hands, suddenly ejected. “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” And then she says the most terrifying words you can say to a 14-year-old boy. Which is, “Wait till your father comes home.” Well, that was terrifying… That was terrifying for me. Especially, because both my parents used to beat me. Let’s face it. Both my parents used to beat me all the time. Right, and, to be fair, I deserved most of the beatings. Right. Because if I wasn’t beaten, I would not be here telling you jokes. I’ll be outside robbing you. So, fair enough. But my father was hardcore. And my father was hardcore. My father had two sons. He sat us both down and said, “The reason I had two sons, is because, one day, I know I’m gonna kill one of you.” And if I’m being honest, I miss my brother. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed that my father would not come home. I was the only child in the entire world that prayed his father don’t come home. He did not answer my prayers. Because my father did come home that night. And my mom obviously told him the whole story. She told him the whole story. He knows what happened, right, but he decided to ask me. Right. “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. What is this?” I looked at him and said, “It’s a horror movie.” Because I had hope, right? And that’s when he looked at me, and said, “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. Horror movie, huh? Let’s watch it.” Right. He puts in the tape and starts rewinding it. Here I am, with my father… my mother, my brother, and my grandmother… all watching porn. Like it’s some kind of family activity. As you can imagine, it was awkward as hell, right. My mother was screaming, “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My grandmother going, “Why aren’t they wearing any saris?” My mother was screaming, “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My brother was flipping through the Avon catalog at this point. “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My dog was humping my leg. “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My father went, “Shut up! The creature from hell is not even out yet!” Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for listening to my stories. Thank you so much for making tonight so special. Thank you, everyone. Good night. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jo-ko-comin-in-hot-transcript/ | Jo Koy: Comin’ in Hot (2019) – Full Transcript | jo ko | [announcer] Hawaii.
Are you ready?
[cheering and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Jo Koy! [“Uproar” plays]
♪ Five, four, three, two, I let one go ♪
♪ Bow, get the fuck though
I don’t bluff, bro ♪
♪ Aimin’ at your head like a buffalo ♪
♪ You a roughneck, I’m a cutthroat ♪
♪ You’re a tough guy
That’s enough jokes ♪
♪ Then the sun die
The night is young though ♪
♪ The diamonds still shine ♪ That’s what I’m talking about. Yes! Had to bring it to Hawaii, baby. [cheering] Aloha is real. If you’re in a bad mood, just [whoosh], shoot them with some Aloha. [laughter] You guys are like Care Bears, it just comes out of your chests. [laughter] “Someone having a bad day?” [whoosh] [laughter] Oh, shit. People in Hawaii brag about shit that no one else brags about. [laughter] That’s real! ‘Cause you cher… you cherish the things that you have. It’s yours. I love this, it’s mine, brother. [cheering] I had a guy walk up to me, he was like, “Hey, brother, you see my… you see my brand new 2003 Toyota Tacoma? [laughter] Cherry, bro. Fucking cherry! [laughter] Lifted, bro. Lifted. Lifted, 2003! Brand new, 2003. [laughter] Toyota Tacoma.” [laughter] You don’t care, you’re laid back. You live in paradise. You don’t have time… You’re not uptight. You go out, “Good, we go out.” Dress nice. “Okay, dress nice.” [laughter] Nice outfit, “Where’s my slipper? [laughter] Where’s my slipper?” You guys will wear a slipper. “Slipper!” Always, “Slipper.” [laughter] “Slipper.” Fucking brand new outfit, “Slipper.” [laughter] No one outside of Hawaii knows what “slipper”… I’ll tell you what “slipper” is. It’s fucking, look… – Look, “Slipper.” – [laughter] “Slipper, slipper, slipper. [cheering] Slipper, slipper, slipper, slipper.” I don’t even know why you wear it. They’re barely on your fucking foot. [laughter] [laughter] That’s how you guys walk. [laughter] “Slipper” at the front of your foot. You’re not even… It’s not even on your foot. You just, kick the slipper, step. Kick, step, kick slipper, step, kick slipper, step, kick… [laughter] You love the vowels. You guys love vowels. [laughter] You don’t care. A, the letter A. [laughter] How many A’s can you put in one street name? [laughter] How many A’s? That’s too many A’s. [laughter] That’s why if anyone comes to Hawaii, I’m talking to the world right now, if you come to Hawaii, don’t ask for directions. [laughter] – All the streets sound the same. – [laughter] Ask for directions, they’ll be like, “Oh, that’s easy, brother. This how you get there. You just go down Kaleakalakaka. [laughter] Make a right turn on Laukaladakalakau. Left turn on Naukauaakala. And then a right turn on Ahaahahaha’aaa. [cheering] Love everything about Hawaii. Can’t get enough of it. I don’t even listen to the music and I love it. When I’m here, I can’t stop listening to it. Don’t know any of the words. I don’t care. [laughter] I drive and I sing… [imitates Hawaiian music] [laughter] [continues singing] [cheering] [continues singing] You’re clapping. I just made that song up. [laughter] You guys don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying. [laughter] All I did was the vowels… [singing] [laughter] [cheering] That hula is this shit! Hula is everything. That is the sexiest dance ever. All that shit they’re doing now, all the sexy dances they’re doing, – they stole it from the hula. – [laughter] Hula… that shit is sexy. She talks to the man through dance. – [laughter] – That is sexy. She tells him what she wants through dance. “You come see me… [laughter] when the sun go down. [laughter] You take me to dinner. [laughter] If I like you… [laughter] I give you pussy.” [laughter] [applause] Everybody, look at this. Every culture. Every race. Every ethnicity is in here, hanging out, laughing. “Good time.” They don’t care, “Good time, bro.” They don’t give a shit. And we look… I look out into the crowd, you can’t tell us apart. You can’t! You know how many Mexicans my mom walks up to and goes, “Filipino?” [laughter] “Mexican!” “Sorry, sorry! Sorry, sorry.” [laughter] There’s a way you can tell Asians apart from other Asians. It’s by their accent, and only if they have accents. [laughter] Out of all the Asians, Koreans are the easiest, ’cause when a Korean person talks, they sound like they’ve been smoking weed all day. [laughter] Like right before they talk to you… [inhaling] [imitates Korean] [laughter] [continues imitating Korean] Koreans sound like Asian ghosts. [imitates Korean] [laughter] My best friend growing up was Korean. I remember the first time I went to his house, his dad yelled from upstairs. I thought the fucking house was haunted. – [laughter] – Swear to God, right when I walked in… [imitates Korean] [laughter] [imitates Korean] [laughter] – I was like, “What the fuck was that?” – [laughter] “Ah, it’s my dad. He just wants to know if you’re hungry.” [laughter] You can do that with any Asian. Vietnamese. [laughter] What? I haven’t even done anything yet. [laughter] [Jo laughs] Vietnamese, I love Vietnamese people. – You’re my… I love you. – [cheering] You’re the smallest of the Asians. [laughter] You’re smaller, but I will tell you this, don’t fuck with Vietnamese people. They will fight anybody. [laughter] Those little fuckers will fight any… They don’t give a shit. I don’t care how strong you are, they will fight you. – They will run up to you and say shit. – [rapid shuffling] [laughter] That’s their little feet. [rapid shuffling] [laughter] I had one run up to me at the end of the show. – [rapid shuffling] – [laughter] “Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude?” [laughter and applause] – They talk… – [cheering] [Jo laughing] They talk… They talk real fast… You know they talk that fast. They talk like this, real fast, like, “Dude, what you say to me like that, dude?” – [laughter] – They talk real fast like that, dude. [laughter] Koreans sound like they’ve been smoking weed all day. Vietnamese people sound like they’ve been doing cocaine their whole life. [sniffs] “Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude? Don’t you talk to me like that, dude. What you say to me like that?” [laughter] Vietnamese people put a period after every word that come out. “Hey. Dude. What. You. Say. To. Me. Like. That. Dude?” [laughter] Vietnamese people go real high. [high tone] They go real high, like that, dude. [low tone] They go down low, like that. They start low, like that, dude. [high tone] Then they’ll go real high like that, dude. [laughter] Vietnamese people sound like they’re in a car far away and they drive by you real fast when they’re talking to you. Like, “Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude? Don’t say that!” Man, say that shit again, man. Get out the car and say that shit. [cheering and applause] Japanese. – [laughter] What? [laughs] [deep moan] – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Japanese, only if they have accents you can tell us apart. Japanese, very distinct. When a Japanese man talks… [deeply] it come from diaphragm. [laughter] [imitates Japanese accent] This where Japanese man purr. [laughter] Huh! Hi! [laughter] Japanese! – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Japanese woman, doesn’t matter if she’s 12 years old, or 75 years old, they always sound 12 years old. [upbeat, high-pitched speech] Let’s go! Okay! [laughter and applause] That’s why no one watches Japanese porn. [laughter] No one watches Japanese porn. You know how annoying that shit is to watch? [imitates man, deep voice] [imitates woman, upbeat] All right, let’s go! [laughter] [imitates man] [imitates woman] Oh-oh, keep going! – [laughter] – [imitates man] [imitates woman] Uh-oh, in my eye! Ooh! Ooh! [laughter, applause, and whistling] [Jo laughing] Ever since my last Netflix special, I’ve been getting a lot of Mexicans coming to my shows. – [cheering] – A lot of Mexicans come to my shows now. And they always come up to me and say the same shit at the end of my show. They always go, “Hey fucker.” [laughter] Sorry. [laughter] It’s so racist. I don’t know why. I don’t know why… “Hey fucker.” Why… Why when I impersonate a Mexican guy, I always gotta sound like… I always gotta sound like I’m falling off a cliff. [laughter] It’s so fucked up. [laughter] It’s a horrible impersonation, but that’s what they sound like. They always sound like they’re falling off the cliff. [laughter] The longer the sentence, the further the fall. [laughter] [Jo laughs] Mexicans always come up to me and say the same thing at the end of my shows, all the time. They’re like, “Hey, your mom’s just like my mom. Everything your mom does, my mom does.” [laughs] What’d I say? “Everything…” You look like a cholo, I swear to God. – Its scaring the shit out of me. [laughs] – [laughter] I’m trying to do this joke, but this guy’s like, “Say it right, fucker. [laughter] “Say it right, fucker. Don’t…” [laughter] You know how hard is it to be funny when a cholo’s looking at me like this? [laughter] What’s your name, bro? – Jason. – Jason? – Are you Filipino or Mexican? – I’m Filipino. He’s fucking Filipino! – Goddammit. – [cheering and applause] See what the fuck I’m talking about? – You look like my brother, man. – [laughter] Jason? [laughs] See, this is what I want everyone to know, man. There’s a reason why Mexicans and Filipinos look a like. There’s a reason why Mexicans and Filipinos relate. It’s a lot deeper than Vicks VapoRub. [laughter] That’s not the only common bond we have. I don’t want you to come up to me at the end of the show, “Hey, my mom use Vick’s VapoRub too. That’s so crazy.” – No, it’s not. – [laughter] There’s a reason why. There’s a reason why we relate on so many other levels. Spain conquered the Philippines for over 350 years. That’s real shit. You guys bred with us. [laughter] We’re the first hybrid race. That’s what Filipinos are: Spanish, Asian. Filipino. [laughter] That’s what we are. It’s a bad thing what happened, but it’s also a good thing. We got a lot of their traits, a lot of their culture. Know what I’m saying? We look like ’em. Look at us. We’re two hour flight from Japan. We are in the heart of Asia, that’s where for the Philippines sits. But look at us, we don’t even have Asian last names. [laughter] Because they left their fucking names there. [laughter] We don’t have Asian names, we have Latino last names. Look at our fucking last names. In my family alone, De La Fuente, Santos, Gonzalez. We’re fucking Mexicans! [laughter and cheering] We are the Mexicans of Asia. [laughter] That’s… that’s real talk. Everything Mexicans do, Filipinos do. Everything! What do you guys have? Quinceañera, debut. [laughter] We got that from them, right? We celebrate the daughter when she turns 15, right? She’s 15? Same shit! Throw a big ass party. Mexicans do that shit all the time, right? “You’re 15, you’re ready to be a woman, mija, it’s your quinceañera.” “Are you sure Papa? I’m only 15.” [laughter] “Yes, I’m sure. [laughter] Your mother’s only 30.” [laughter] Okay, okay, okay, that was fucked up! That was fucked up. But it’s funny, come on. [laughter] – Is it fucked up? It’s just a joke! – [laughter] Fuck! Stop being sensitive. Go fuck yourselves! [laughter] Stereotypes are funny for a reason, ’cause they’re true. [laughter] We all have stereotypes. Embrace it. Fuck it. Laugh at it. Who gives a shit? Not all Filipinos are nurses, but a lot of you motherfuckers are. [laughter] [cheering and applause] I don’t know all these Filipinos in here, but I know one thing, – we have the same uncle. – [laughter] Every holiday, he has to talk to everybody. And we dread it, ’cause it takes forever to talk to him. ‘Cause he doesn’t even know what he wants to say. He always starts off every conversation like this, “Ah… [laughter] You know, uh… Josep, ah… [laughter] Remember the… [laughter] The… Shit, the…” – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Always, “Ah…” [laughter] I took… [laughs] I took my uncle to the to the mall, and we were in the food court. We’re just sitting there, he’s just trying to talk. And he’s loud, so everyone’s watching. That’s the part that embarrassed me the most, ’cause he’s loud, and everyone’s looking, and he’s like, “Ah… Josep, you remember the… that, uh… one time you… got me… – the…” – I’m like, “What? What are trying to say?” “Hey, I’m trying to tell you. Wait! [laughter] Don’t rush me, huh. I’m trying to think and you’re rushing… Don’t rush me, huh! [laughter] The… that one time you got me…” Everyone’s watching. Everyone in the food court is looking. “Ah… that, ah, you got me a drink? [laughter] You got me that drink?” “Yeah, I got you that drink. What about it?” “Yeah, and, uh, you come back, it had that, uh… that big straw? – [laughter] – Remember, it has that big straw. I look at it, go, ‘Putang ina, that’s a big straw!’ [laughter] Remember that, you look at this big straw, and then you got mad at me?” – “Yeah, what about it?” – “Yeah, you told me to just drink it. – [laughter] – Remember? You told me, ‘Just drink it.'” “Yeah, what about it?” – Everyone’s watching. Everyone’s watching. – [laughter] “Yes, so I start to drink like that, and… [laughs] – [laughter] – I’m… I… I’m drinking like that and I start sucking on the straw… [laughter] And then, this, uh, black ball starts shooting in my mouth… – [laughter] – And I’m sucking. I’m sucking like that, and I’m… I’m… Black balls are in my mouth and I’m sucking and choking on these black balls. I got mouth full of black balls, and I’m choking, sucking…” “Shut the fuck up! [laughter] Boba, it’s fucking boba!” [laughter] “Oh, yeah, boba. I hate that shit.” [laughter]
That’s why Filipinos should only be nurses. [laughter] Just be nurses, don’t be doctors. Imagine my uncle a doctor, during surgery. [laughter] “Nurse, can I get the, uh… [laughter] the… oh shit. The… you know, that, uh… you know, to cut the… to cut, uh… you know, the…” The nurse is like, “Putang ina, what? They all cut, what? What do you need, doctor?” “The… the shit… the… the…” “He’s dying, what the fuck do you need? What? What? Say it.” “The shit… the… the…” [laughter] We are a stereotype. Filipinos morph into a fucking stereotype. I don’t know what it is, they just morph into a goddamn stereotype. I talked about that on my last special, but look, look around you. They’re here. [laughter] See, my mom‘s not here tonight, but I look out, and fuck, there she is! [laughter] Short hair, glasses. [laughter] Purse on the lap. – Look, right there, there she is. – [laughter] There she is. Handkerchief, handkerchief. [laughter] Louis Vuitton purse. Confused, “Where are we? [laughter] [Jo laugh] Where… where are we? What is this?” [laughter] I love us. They got to have that Louis Vuitton purse. That’s their purse. You know how many Louis Vuitton purses I bought my mom? So many. You know what she puts in it? Snacks. [laughter] It’s the most expensive lunch box you’ll ever see. [laughter] And they’re not even good snacks. [laughter] All my friends, when I was a kid, man, they would go to the mom, “Mom, can I get a snack?” And she’d pull out delicious snacks out of her purse. Doritos. Fun Size Snickers. I run up to my mom… Shit! [laughter] Her snacks were something she took from a restaurant. [laughter] Run up to my mom, “Mom, can I get a snack?” “Oh, here’s some oyster crackers.” [laughter] Oyster crackers are made to absorb soup. [laughter] And she wants me to eat this before I go to class. “Put that in your stomach.” I’d put it in my… [chokes] [laughter] [choking] – “Swallow it!” – [chokes] [laughter] [chokes] [laughter] That’s my mom’s hustle. That’s any mom’s hustle, I swear to God. And here’s the thing, man, it doesn’t matter how much they make, It doesn’t matter. They will get free shit. [laughter] “If it’s there, get it.” My mom said that to me all the time, “Get it. – [laughter] – Go back in there and get it.” [laughter] “Get what?” “Just what… that… whatever that is. – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Just get more, grab more. [laughter] Put it in the purse. Put it in the purse. Go! [laughter] Get it, get extra.” She always said that, “Get extra. Joseph, go back in there and get extra. Get extra.” You know what “get extra” means? Steal! [laughter] Steal! She wants her kid to fucking steal. [laughter] “Get extra.” I used to hate going to McDonald’s. [laughter] ‘Cause she’d always make me go back in, “Go back in there and get extra napkins.” [laughter] “Why?” “Because we need extra for the… the house. [laughter] Get extra, Joe. Go, go back in there.” “God, how many do you need?” [laughter] “Well, your birthday is coming up. Go back in there.” – [laughter] – “Fuck!” [laughter and cheering] Stuffing my pocket with napkins. I’m so mad, I’m looking at my mom. She’s out in the parking lot. [groans] I’m crying. [sobs] [laughter] She doesn’t care. “The other pocket! Fill it!” [laughter] My son has no idea how that feels. He doesn’t know. I buy napkins. [laughter] I buy expensive napkins, because I’m traumatized. [laughter] Stealing napkins my whole life. I don’t want my son to go through that shit. My son doesn’t know how embarrassing birthdays are. My birthday sucked. My mom was handing out slices of cake to all the kids, then she hand out napkins. None of them match. “KFC, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Burger King, KFC, Cheesecake Factory, ooh that’s a good one. That’s… that’s a lot thicker than the other.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] These kids got a good though. Fifteen-year-old kid. Man, my son has no idea. He has no idea how good he’s got it. These fucking millennials, millennials! Is that what they’re called this year? Millennial? Gen X? Millennial? Pussies! [laughter] Is that what they’re called, pussies? They’re pussies. All of them, pussies. If there’s 15-year-olds in here, you’re fucking pussy, all of you. [laughter] Fucking pus… Right? Am I my fucking right? They complain. You can’t… you can’t yell at ’em. They’ll… they’ll say something. You’ll get in trouble. They go, “Oh my God, my… my mom yelled at me, and I’m so scared to go to the house, ’cause my mom yelled at me.” Man, go fuck yourself. Are you kidding me? [laughter] You’re scared to go home ’cause you’re mom yelled at… That’s all my mom did, was yell at me. That was the only language my mom spoke, was yell. “Ha? – What? – [laughter] – Say it again! – [laughter] Say it again! Say it! – What did you say, Joseph? – [laughter] What did you say? Turn around. Turn around, Joseph. [sobbing] [laughter] That’s the only language my mom talked. Yell! “Ha? When? When did you do it? Where? Where did you go? Ha? What? [laughter] Did you lose your lunch box?” I remember when I lost my lunch box one time, holy shit! [laughter] That’s how my mom disciplined. Through the… She never, like, physically touched. She… she verbally attacked you. That’s when she went after you. She’d break you down in words. Interrogation. – Two and a half hours of yelling. – [laughter] “What? Where… where’s your lunch box, Joseph? Where did you put it?” “I… I don’t know!” [laughter] “What do you mean ‘you don’t know’? Where? Where did you go? You go from house to school. School to house. Where the fuck did you lose it? [laughter] What? You just take your lunch box, put it anywhere, ‘Oh, I don’t know where. I don’t know where anything is. I don’t know where.’ [laughter] Where’s your lunch box, Joseph? Where? Where did you put it?” “I don’t… I don’t know!” Then she’ll just repeat what I said in a stupid voice. [deep voice] “I don’t… I don’t know! [laughter] How do you not know, Joseph? How?” “I don’t know, Mom, what do you want me to say?” “Tell me where it is?” – “I don’t…” – [laughter] Two hours of that. – “Where?” – “I don’t know.” – “Ha?” – “I don’t…” [laughter] She wants me… she want me to have snot coming out of my mouth, and then breathe it in at the same time. – That’s when she’s happy. – [laughter] That’s what my mom knows she got me. [mumbling] I don’t know where… [choking] [laughter] [choking] [choking] That’s when she walks up to me, “Okay, okay, breathe, Joseph, breathe. – Breathe. My God.” – [choking] “Breathe, my God, Joseph. Breathe, breathe. Breathe” [choking] [laughter] “It’s just a lunch box.” [laughter] [chokes] [cheering and applause] Then she’s gotta embarrass me. Then she’s got to put my lunch in a Tupperware container. That’s how she embarrasses me. She always says, “I’m going to put your lunch in a Tupperware container.” And then, I’d cry more, “Why? I don’t want to go to school.” “Why not?” “Because I don’t want to go to school with my lunch in one of your Tupperwares.” [laughter] ‘Cause that shit’s embarrassing. If I send my son to school with the Tupperware container, he goes to school with a clear bowl, and it’s got a blue lid, and it says Tupperware on the lid. My son would be proud to go to school with that shit. My mom’s Tupperware… [laughter] usually an empty Cool Whip container… [laughter] Country Crock. [laughter] One time, she put it in an empty Neapolitan ice cream container. Had the red handles, she put my homework and my lunch. It looked like a fucking briefcase, like what the fu… [laughter] Put my lunch in a Cool Whip container, that shit is so embarrassing. Then she goes, “Grab a Sharpie so I can write your name on the lid.” Like… Like someone else has a Cool Whip container lunch box. [laughter] “I’m pretty sure I’m the only one with a Cool Whip container lunch box.” “You never know, Joseph.” “No, I know.” [laughter] I’m walking around the lunch room, looking for a place to sit, with my Cool Whip container lunch box. [laughter] All the other kids are looking at me. “Whoa. [laughter] Your mom’s gonna let you eat Cool Whip?” [laughter] “I don’t know what’s inside it.” [laughter] I’m sitting down at the lunch table, with my Cool Whip container lunch box. All these other kids are trading lunches in front of me, but no one wants to trade for the mystery bucket. [laughter] My mouth is watering, ’cause you see all these delicious trades going down. “I’ll give you my turkey and cheddar cheese sandwich, for that peanut butter and jelly.” “I’ll give you my chocolate chip cookies for those Pringles.” [laughter] “I’ll give you my chocolate milk for that Gatorade.” And I’m looking at all of ’em. [laughter] “Does anyone want munggo? [laughter] [cheering] Munggo? Munggo? No munggo? It’s so good, munggo? [laughter] You get to keep the container.” [laughter] Some kid was like, “What the fuck is munggo?” [laughter] I had to explain it to him. [laughter] “It’s these little round green beans. [laughter] And it sits on top of a bed of rice. And if you dig deep enough, you might find a shrimp or two.” [laughter] Some other kid was like, “What the fuck is that bag of sauce next to it?” [laughter] “Patis. [laughter] Filipino fish sauce. [laughter] It really accents the flavor of the munggo. [laughter] Don’t spill it on your shirt, you’ll smell like pussy all day. [laughter] Here’s the thing about my son, man. He doesn’t know what a lunch box is. This kid has a debit card. I’m even embarrassed to say this. His school takes credit and he has a debit card. It fucking sucks. Doesn’t know the responsibility of a lunch box, just goes to school and rings it up. I still discipline him. I still get mad at him. He called me on a Wednesday one time, he was like, “Hey Dad, there’s only, like, $0.40 left on my debit card.” [laughter] And I was like, “Oh, my God. [laughter] Go fuck yourself! [laughter] The fuck did you eat on Monday, asshole, filet mignon? [laughter] What, you’re walking into the lunchroom like a fucking nightclub? “Ah, chocolate milk’s on this motherfucker, let’s go!” [laughter] I know this is weird for me to even say, but my son doesn’t know what rice is, the way I knew rice… Rice was fucking everything to me. Rice was breakfast, rice was lunch, rice for dinner. And I know there’s a lot of people going, “Oh, Filipinos eat breakfast?” Yes, we do. It’s… it’s just last night’s dinner with an egg. That’s all that… that’s all that is. [laughter] And it’s delicious. That’s all we ate was rice. That’s the key to a Asian household, rice. That shit is always cooking. There’s always a pot of rice cooking. The rice cooker is always on. You could get locked in an Asian person’s house, and all the lights are off. – You can find the kitchen. – [laughter] Just look for that little square red light. [laughter] Now, there’s the fucking rice, right there. [laughter] [Jo laughs] I sent my son to go get rice the other day, I go, “Joe, go grab a bag of rice.” And he ran down a couple aisles, and then he came back with this little-ass bag of rice. – [laughter] – Was in his hand like that. And even though I knew that was the bag of rice he was supposed to get, I started reflecting back to when I was his age. The bag of rice I had to get… was a size of this fucking stool. [laughter] That shit was twice my body weight. I had to drag that shit back to my mom. [laughter] It was a big nylon bag, with Chinese writing on the front. Said 50 pounds at the bottom of it. My mom would sit that in the back of the kitchen next to the trash. Top just ripped open. Inside that bag was a coffee mug with a broken handle. [laughter] She called that a measuring cup. [laughter] She taught me how to make rice. I remember that day. “I’m going to teach you how to make rice, and this is the only time I’m going to teach you.” – [laughter] – “Okay. How do I do it?” “You take a couple scoops of rice, Joseph, put it in the pot, put water in the pot, squish it around. Clean the rice like that. If the water is cloudy, the rice is dirty, pour that water out. Put more water in there. Squish it around. Squish it around. If the water is still cloudy, the rice is dirty, pour that water out. Continue the process, Joseph, until the water is clear. When the water is clear, add water. It’s ready to cook.” “Well, then, how much water do I add?” “Just fill it to this line right here, Joseph.” [laughter and cheering] This is how you cook perfect rice. I want the world to know that right now. This is an ancient fucking secret. [laughter] Every Asian knows how to make rice, and this is how you do it. You don’t need a measuring cup, and you don’t need no fucking rice cooker. All you need is rice, a pot, and this fucking line right here. [laughter] [cheering] And I know there’s people watching right now, “How do you do that? That doesn’t make any sense.” Well, let me explain it to you. Put as much rice as you want in any pot, then fill it up with water. “How much water, Joe?” Well, you touch the top of the rice with this finger right here, and fill it up with water till it hits that fucking line right there. [laughter] Perfect rice. [cheering] This kid’s got it so good now. So good. Disciplining him is easier too, though, I will say that. It is a lot easier to discipline my son. My mom had to be creative. With me, shit, it’s easy. If my son fucks up, and this is anyone, though, with a teenager, they fuck up, what do you do? Take their phone away. That shit works. You don’t have to verbally abuse ’em, you don’t have to physically touch ’em. Just take their fucking phone away. My son doesn’t know what to do when I take his phone away. My son physically breaks down when I take his phone away. [laughter] I’m like, “Give me that phone.” He’s like, “Ah, Dad, ah. [laughter] What do I do now, Dad?” [laughter] He’s never seen his hand before. “What is this? Hello?” [laughter] My mom, when she disciplined, shit! Like I said, she never hit me, but goddamn, man. I remember one time, I was hiding in the closet, and she walked by and I scared her. Jumped out, “Ba!” [laughter] – My mom got so… “Ah!” – [laughter] “You think that’s funny? [laughter] Jump out and scare me like that, ha? [laughter] Get back in that closet. [laughter] Get back in there. Sit there. You sit there till I tell you to come out. Sit there.” [laughter] And I sat in that closet. And then she forgot I was in that fucking closet. [laughter] She came back with laundry, “Ha, what are you doing here?” “You told me to go here. [laughter] [crying] I’ve been here all day.” [laughter] She didn’t even apologize. “Just go to your room, it’s late now. [laughter] Go to my room crying. She didn’t give a shit. [laughter] Called her sister, bragged about what she did. [laughter] “You’re not going to believe what I did to Joseph. [laughter] [laughing] I put him in the closet. [laughter] All day! All day, I swear to God. I was even walking around, ‘Where the fuck is Joseph?'” [laughter] My son, goddammit. He’s 15. Here’s the thing about 15-year-old boys, man. He thinks he’s being slick and he’s not. [laughter] I keep telling him that, too. And that’s the thing. If you got boys, if you got a little boy, just be honest with ’em, talk to ’em like dudes. I can’t speak for girls. I’m just saying, if you have a little teenage boy, talk to ’em like dudes, they’ll respect you more. I don’t hide shit, I don’t candy coat shit. I let my son know. Like, “Joe, I know what you did in there.” [laughter] “What are you talking about, Dad?” “Well, I’m just saying, like, I was 15. And I know what you did in there. Like, all the creepy shit you’re doing, I did too. [laughter] I was just better at it.” [laughter] “What are you talking about, Dad?” “Joe, come on, man. I know what you… You were in the shower for 30 minutes, man. I know what you did.” “I didn’t do… I just took a shower.” I’m like, “You didn’t take a shower.” “How do you know I didn’t take a shower?” “Joe, you were in there for 30 minutes, and your hair is dry. [laughter] Bought you a big bottle of Head and Shoulders and it’s empty. [laughter] But you still have dandruff. I don’t know how… what… [laughter] But your dick always smells like mint. It’s just mint. Mint and zinc come from here. [laughter] It’s Head and Shoulders, Joe, not Dick and Hand. That’s it. – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] [laughing] It says Head and Shoulders! It doesn’t say Dick and Hand, Joe. It says Head and Shoulders. [laughter] It’s not slick. Come on, man. “All right, Dad. All right.” That’s how my son is now. Now he’s cool with it, “All right. All right. [laughter] I promise. I’ll be… I won’t… I’ll make it so you don’t know.” [laughter] Then he went to high-five me, “I promise.” I’m like, “I’m not gonna fucking shake your hand.” – [laughter] – I’m not gonna touch the murder weapon. [laughter] Good-looking kid, man. He’s got a full head of hair, man. He’s got a big afro, man. He’s got dark skin. All right, he’s got the darker skin. He’s been going to a lot of the other football games from other schools, and all the kids are asking him if he’s half-black. He even came up to me, like, “Dad, a lot of kids think I’m half-black.” I’m like, “All right, what’d you say?” He goes, “I’ve been saying yes.” [laughter] “Why would you say that?” “I don’t know, like, they don’t know.” “Well, how about when I come pick you up or something, and they notice that you’re not half-black?” He’s like, “Well, just don’t pick me up.” [laughter] And then he asked me if he can get a DNA test, ’cause he saw a commercial, and he’s like “Hey, Dad, let’s get one of those DNA tests.” “Why do you want to get a DNA test?” “Let’s just see, maybe there’s black in the family, Dad? Maybe a long… maybe a long time ago, there… maybe a long time ago there was someone black in our family, and it’s catching up to me, Let’s just see, it would be fun.” I’m like, “Joe, there’s no black in the family.” “You don’t know. Let’s just see.” I’m like, “Joe, there’s no black in the… Your aunt married a black guy, but that doesn’t help you at all.” [laughter] “Come on, Dad. Just get it. Just get it. It’ll be cool. Just get it.” [laughter] So I got it. [laughter] And we’re gonna do it. And I hope, I don’t know… I hope it comes back black. I don’t know… [laughter] If the results come back black, I’m just gonna be like, “Um… get the fuck out of my house. [laughter] – Go find your real dad. Who the fuck… – [laughter] Who the fuck is this kid? Give me back that debit card, motherfucker. [laughter] He’s constantly fucking with me. Always fucking with me. – Oh, I’m sorry there’s a wire. – [laughter] A black guy right here, I’m sorry. [laughter] – That’s… no. What’s your name, sir? – Malcolm. Malcolm. Goddammit, couldn’t get any blacker than that, shit! – [laughter] – Motherfucker! Shit. Malcolm. [laughs] [laughter] Of course it is. [laughter] – Is this… is this your lady? – This is my wife. – And what are you? What’s your ethnicity? – I’m Filipino. – You’re Filipino. See, this is what… – [laughter] This is what my son’s parents should look like, right here. [laughter] My son’s parents are here! [laughter] You think I’m joking? Wait… wait till I bring ’em out. You’re gonna be like, “Oh fuck, that is our kid, shit!” [laughter] You know my son ran up to me one time… This is true story. We were, uh… I was, uh… I was in my room, and he ran up to me, he always fucks with me. But he… ‘Cause he’s got such a beautiful head of hair. Right? It’s fucking beautiful, man. And, um… He looks like one of the Jacksons, from the Five, like, “Hey!” Like… [laughter] [cheering] But… [laughs] And it comes up to me, Malcolm, and he goes… “Dad, when I get older, am I gonna be bald like you?” [laughter] And that hurt me so bad. [laughter] Like, he doesn’t understand how hard that hurt. And I was like… So I wanted to, like, let him know that it hurt, but not with words, just by my tone. I was like, “You know what, Joe? You get your hair from your mom’s side. [laughter] And on your mom’s side, everyone has a full head of hair. That’s probably why you have so much hair. So you have to be worried about being bald like your dad.” [laughter] And my son goes, “Sweet! [laughter] Sweet!” And went into his fucking room like an asshole. [laughter] And I was crushed. I was like, “Man, fuck this kid, man.” [laughter] That’s why any time he asks a question, I have an opportunity to knock him down, I do it, Malcolm. Fuck him, man. [laughter] He came up to me, like, two weeks after that. And he was like, “Dad.” He was like all sad. “Dad, can I talk to you for a second, please and you promise you won’t make a joke?” [laughter] “Yeah. I pr… I promise.” [laughter] “No, I’m serious, Dad. Like, it’s been bothering me, and I need to talk to you about this, so please, no jokes.” “All right, Joe, talk to me. What’s wrong? Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” “Okay, um… Ah… I don’t even know how to say this. Um… Okay, I’ve been growing my pubic hairs for a couple years now…” [laughter] “Joe, you gotta warn me about the topic. [laughter] Like, you can’t just come in hot like that, man. You gotta… warn me, let me know. – I’m trying to eat lunch right now. – [laughter] – Now I got pubic hairs on my mind.” – [laughter] “All right, come on, Dad. You said you were gonna not joke around, I’m being serious. Like, listen to me. I’ve been growing pubic hairs for a while now, like for a couple years.” “Yeah, you’re a teenager, that’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to grow your pubic hairs, what’s bothering you? Why is that making you mad?” “No, just listen to me.” “Okay, I’m listening. What? What’s bothering you?” “Okay, well, I always thought, Dad, that once you start to grow your pubic hairs, that… that the penis was supposed to start growing.” [laughter] “Yeah, and?” “My penis isn’t growing, Dad! [laughter] Just my pubic hairs. [laughter] My penis is still the same size from two years ago, but my pubic hairs are long, Dad. It just keeps growing. I don’t get it, Dad. Dad! [laughter] Dad! [laughter] Dad!” [laughter] I didn’t know what to do. I just got on my phone like, “What the fuck?” [laughter] He’s like, “What are you doing, Dad?” And I was like… “I’m canceling that DNA test.” [laughter] [cheering] “Oh, my God, Dad. Does everything have to be a joke, Dad? Does everything have to be a joke?” And I was like, “Well, you made fun of my hair. [laughter] Now I’m making fun of yours.” [laughter] “Oh, my God, Dad. Come on. Seriously. I don’t understand what’s going on. Dad, what’s going on? What’s supposed to happen? I’ve been waiting, nothing’s happening, Dad. Dad! Dad!” I just grabbed him. Grabbed him, I was like, “Yo, stop. Stop fucking crying. – [laughter] – Stop!” “Well, tell me what I’m supposed to do. I don’t get it, Dad.” “Well, stop crying, first of all.” “Well, then, tell me. What?” I go, “Listen to me. Look at me. Listen to me.” “Oh, my God, what, Dad?” “Unfortunately, Joe… [laughter] That comes from your mom’s side too.” [laughter] Okay, now…[laughs] [laughter] Now here’s a fucked-up part about the story. I lied to my son. [laughter] He didn’t get that from his mom’s side. [laughter] That’s 100% my dick, 100%. [laughter] I knew it was mine when he described it. I was like, “Oh, shit. That’s mine. I got the same… I got the same fucking thing.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] But I’m not gonna tell him that. I’m not gonna be like, “Yeah, that’s the family dick and I’m heading down to you.” Like no, fuck that! [laughter] It’s the dick I hand down from generation to generation. – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] I’m not gonna tell him that. That’s the hand he was dealt. Now he has to play his own cards. I had a small dick and it worked. [laughter] Worked for me, goddammit. It’ll work for him. Not gonna be sad about it. He’s gotta deal with it. Deal with it. I’d be sad if he walked up to me and was like, “Dad, I don’t have a dick.” I’d be like, “Oh shit! – [laughter] – [laughing] I’m so sorry. [laughter] [laughing] Oops! Maybe Malcolm isn’t your dad.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] Fuck you, Malcolm, you’re laughing too hard at that shit. – [laughter] – Fuck you, man. See? Laughing hard at the big black dick joke. [laughter] But then he got mad at the Malcolm joke, “Oh, ’cause I’m black. Gotta have a name like Malcolm.” [laughter] Stereotypes are funny for a reason, for that reason right there alone. That’s a good stereotype, Malcolm, and you know it. Your whole life, you’ve been blessed with that stereotype. [laughter] The big dick stereotype. We don’t know if you have a big dick, but none of us in here wanna take that bet. [laughter] [applause] [cheering] We just assume Malcolm has a big dick, ’cause that’s your stereotype. Just like you assume I’m good at math. Fuck you, Malcolm. [laughter] [laughs] But that’s the fucked-up part. That’s the fucked-up part, Malcolm. You can’t get mad when someone else calls you out on another stereotype, ’cause it’s just funny. We’re just having fun, man. So, don’t get mad. If you’re gonna take that stereotype, you have to take ’em all, Malcolm. You have to take ’em all. Don’t be biased with your stereotypes. Don’t get mad if someone walks up to you, “Hey, you like chicken?” – “Why? ‘Cause I’m black, motherfucker?” – [laughter] Black man’s gotta like chicken all the time, motherfucker?” [laughter] “You got a big dick?” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.” [laughter] [applause] [laughs] [laughing] Unfortunately… Unfortunately… I don’t have a big dick. [laughter] And neither does my son. [laughter] [Jo laughing] Oh, this is gonna suck for my son when this goes out on Netflix. [laughter] Goddammit. Fuck! [laughter] [Jo laughing] [laughter] He’s gonna walk through the hallways at his school, and everyone gonna be like this, “Whoa.” [laughter] “It was just a joke.” [laughing] No, it wasn’t! [laughter] [laughing] That shit is real. [laughter] So what? He has a small dick, and? It doesn’t matter. Small dick… fuck it. It’ll work. It works. It fucking works. [laughter] I’m gonna… You know what? Here’s the thing. He’s gonna go through his teenage years, be insecure about his small dick. Then he’ll go through his twenties, probably build-up some confidence, I think. Then he’ll get to his thirties. If he’s not confident about his small dick then, then I’ll step in and talk to him. [laughter] Then I’ll walk up to him, like, “Hey man. Hey! Still mad about that small dick thing?” [laughter] – [deep voice] “Yeah, Dad. It sucks.” – [laughter] – That’s my son, 30-year-old voice. – [laughter] – “Yeah, Dad. It sucks. – [laughter] I’m 30 years old, I got a 15-year-old dick. [laughter] [Jo laughs] Here, I’m gonna do it to this side, “Yeah, I’m 30 years old, – I got a 15-year-old dick, Dad. – [laughter] What the fuck?” [laughter] That’s what I’ll grab him. “Listen to me. All right? Listen to me.” “What? What, Dad? What could you possibly tell me?” [laughter] I’ll just tell him, “From the bottom my heart, look, Joe, you got a small dick and… This is all you got to do. Fix your credit.” [laughter] And that’s the truth, Malcolm. [applause] [Jo laughs] You ever want to live… If you ever wanna live the big dick life, like Malcolm… [laughter] – …fix your fucking credit. – [laughter] You got a small dick, fix your credit. That’s the truth. You got a small dick? Good credit make your dick grow ten inches. [laughter] That’s the truth. And there’s a lot of guys in here that have a small dick, just like me. You’re just not laughing as hard. [laughter] Trying to play it off. [laughter] Try not to laugh, like this part of the joke doesn’t relate to you. You’re just looking at me like this. [laughter] But the girl you came with his dying. [imitates girl laughing] [laughter] “What are you laughing at?” “Fix your fucking credit.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] That’s the truth. Fix your credit. Shit works, man. Look, it works for me. I’m confident. I don’t give a fuck. – [laughter] – I’m single and I got good credit. I’ll tell every woman in here right now, I got a small dick! [laughter] But I got good credit. [laughter] Can a big dick buy you a house? [laughter] This little motherfucker can! [laughter] [cheering and applause] [Jo laughs] [laughing] It’s real talk. Everything you hear, Malcolm, I hear. [laughter] You hear big dick shit? So do I. [laughter] Women aren’t like men, man. Women are different creatures, man. When they love, they love. You take care of a woman, you provide for a woman, you protect. Cherish. Honor. Love. Every… All that shit, make her feel like a queen, watch what she does for your ego. – Watch what a woman does for your ego. – [woman cheers] ‘Cause she knows that’s what’s important to a man, his fucking ego. And men love that shit. She’ll say shit to you that you know goddamn well she shouldn’t be saying to you. [laughter] She lies to you in bed, and you take that lie. – [laughter] – You love that lie, ’cause it makes you feel good. You never question her on that lie. – “Who the fuck are you talking to?” – [laughter] You love it when she says it, you tell her to repeat it. “Ha, oh my… ow!” “Yeah, bitch, ‘Ow!’ ‘Ow!’ It hurts, huh?” “Yeah! Oh, my God!” [laughing] [laughter] Doesn’t matter about the size. Size doesn’t… look at it. See, it’s small, she doesn’t care. She loves you. She loves you. What you doing, the physical act, making love, she loves making love. She doesn’t care about the size, “It’s mine, mine. [smooches] [laughter] Mine, mine. That’s mine. Mine. Muah. I’m gonna sleep on it.” [imitates sleeping] Muah. [laughter] [Jo laughing] So, stop trying to do big dick things. Why do we do that? Stop trying to do big dick things. Stop trying to do shit that Malcolm does naturally. – [laughter] – Stop! Just do you! Do you! I do it all the time. I’m in as far as I can go, but what do I do? I arch my back, like more dick is gonna come out. The fuck am I doing? Like there’s extra dick in my hip. I just need to unlatch it. “There it is, bitch. You feel that shit?” [laughter] Your balls are a natural stopper. Your balls tell you when you’re out of dick. Your balls always tell you. Your balls are like, “That’s all the dick. That’s all the dick. Just balls, Jo. Just balls.” [laughter] Stop trying to do big dick things. Stop. Stop doing this shit, bringing it out and going back in. What are you doing? You have to have laser point accuracy to get back in there. Stop! Stop! Just leave it in there. Leave it in there. Cram that pussy. Cram the pussy. Cram it. Fuck her up. Cram it. Fucking cram. Fucking cram. Cram. Push the bitch. Cram it. “Where the fuck are we going?” Fuck… fucking cram it. “We’re in the kitchen.” [laughter] Just be happy you’ve been invited to the mansion party. [laughter] Just be happy you’ve been invited to the mansion party. That’s her mansion. Her 40-million-dollar mansion. And she’s throwing a party, and there’s only one person on that guest list, you! [laughter] I’m getting teary-eyed just thinking about it. [laughter] Forty-million-dollar mansion party and she’s got one person on the guest list, you. That’s fucking amazing. [laughter] Unfortunately, you can’t go all the way inside the mansion. [laughter] “It’s a big place you got here.” [laughter] But you can compliment the door frame. [laughter] – Jiggle the knob. – [laughter] Jiggle the knob. Look for the spare key. It’s in here, up here, and right there. That’s where the spare key is, I swear to God. Find that shit. [laughter] Malcolm’s upstairs, “They got a Jacuzzi up in this motherfucker.” [laughter] Fuck you, Malcolm. [laughter] [Jo laughs] I’m just gonna tell my son the truth. And be like, “Look Joe, size doesn’t matter. [laughs] Size doesn’t matter.” [laughter] It got quiet in here. [laughter] Does size matter? – [man] Yeah. – Yeah? [laughs] [laughter] Does size matter? [woman] Yes! [laughs] Yeah? Yes? [women] Yes! One no! [laughter] I was right. [laughter] I’m gonna ask again, does size matter? – [women] Yes! – [women] No. Yes. [laughing] No, down here. Yes, up there. [laughter] [Jo laughs] See what good credit will get you. [laughter] [cheering and applause] Good credit gets you downstairs. [laughter] Oh, shit. [laughing] Malcolm’s got front row. He got a big dick and good credit. Motherfucker! Motherfucker! [laughter] You sure you don’t have a big pussy? [laughter] What? Is that fucked up? Stop. I said I had a small dick. Stop. Maybe that wasn’t her yelling. Maybe that was their big pussy like, – “Yes!” – [laughter] “Shut up, big pussy.” “No, he’s a liar.” “Shut up, big pussy.” “No!” [laughter] If… [laughs] If size matters, then why is the number-one sex toy that’s always sold out at the sex shop that little, tiny… [imitates vibrator] [laughter] Look, look at all the women. [imitates vibrator] The size of my dick, right there. – [continues imitating vibrator] – [laughter] Every woman buys that fucking thing. Not one woman goes in the sex shop and goes, “I’ll take this right here. [laughter] I wanna fuck something and scratch my throat at the same time.” [laughter] Every woman… [imitates vibrator] When you use it… [imitates vibrator malfunctioning] [laughter] I love you, Hawaii. Thank you so much, man. [cheering and applause] | That’s what I’m talking about. Yes! Had to bring it to Hawaii, baby. [cheering] Aloha is real. If you’re in a bad mood, just [whoosh], shoot them with some Aloha. [laughter] You guys are like Care Bears, it just comes out of your chests. [laughter] “Someone having a bad day?” [whoosh] [laughter] Oh, shit. People in Hawaii brag about shit that no one else brags about. [laughter] That’s real! ‘Cause you cher… you cherish the things that you have. It’s yours. I love this, it’s mine, brother. [cheering] I had a guy walk up to me, he was like, “Hey, brother, you see my… you see my brand new 2003 Toyota Tacoma? [laughter] Cherry, bro. Fucking cherry! [laughter] Lifted, bro. Lifted. Lifted, 2003! Brand new, 2003. [laughter] Toyota Tacoma.” [laughter] You don’t care, you’re laid back. You live in paradise. You don’t have time… You’re not uptight. You go out, “Good, we go out.” Dress nice. “Okay, dress nice.” [laughter] Nice outfit, “Where’s my slipper? [laughter] Where’s my slipper?” You guys will wear a slipper. “Slipper!” Always, “Slipper.” [laughter] “Slipper.” Fucking brand new outfit, “Slipper.” [laughter] No one outside of Hawaii knows what “slipper”… I’ll tell you what “slipper” is. It’s fucking, look… – Look, “Slipper.” – [laughter] “Slipper, slipper, slipper. [cheering] Slipper, slipper, slipper, slipper.” I don’t even know why you wear it. They’re barely on your fucking foot. [laughter] [laughter] That’s how you guys walk. [laughter] “Slipper” at the front of your foot. You’re not even… It’s not even on your foot. You just, kick the slipper, step. Kick, step, kick slipper, step, kick slipper, step, kick… [laughter] You love the vowels. You guys love vowels. [laughter] You don’t care. A, the letter A. [laughter] How many A’s can you put in one street name? [laughter] How many A’s? That’s too many A’s. [laughter] That’s why if anyone comes to Hawaii, I’m talking to the world right now, if you come to Hawaii, don’t ask for directions. [laughter] – All the streets sound the same. – [laughter] Ask for directions, they’ll be like, “Oh, that’s easy, brother. This how you get there. You just go down Kaleakalakaka. [laughter] Make a right turn on Laukaladakalakau. Left turn on Naukauaakala. And then a right turn on Ahaahahaha’aaa. [cheering] Love everything about Hawaii. Can’t get enough of it. I don’t even listen to the music and I love it. When I’m here, I can’t stop listening to it. Don’t know any of the words. I don’t care. [laughter] I drive and I sing… [imitates Hawaiian music] [laughter] [continues singing] [cheering] [continues singing] You’re clapping. I just made that song up. [laughter] You guys don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying. [laughter] All I did was the vowels… [singing] [laughter] [cheering] That hula is this shit! Hula is everything. That is the sexiest dance ever. All that shit they’re doing now, all the sexy dances they’re doing, – they stole it from the hula. – [laughter] Hula… that shit is sexy. She talks to the man through dance. – [laughter] – That is sexy. She tells him what she wants through dance. “You come see me… [laughter] when the sun go down. [laughter] You take me to dinner. [laughter] If I like you… [laughter] I give you pussy.” [laughter] [applause] Everybody, look at this. Every culture. Every race. Every ethnicity is in here, hanging out, laughing. “Good time.” They don’t care, “Good time, bro.” They don’t give a shit. And we look… I look out into the crowd, you can’t tell us apart. You can’t! You know how many Mexicans my mom walks up to and goes, “Filipino?” [laughter] “Mexican!” “Sorry, sorry! Sorry, sorry.” [laughter] There’s a way you can tell Asians apart from other Asians. It’s by their accent, and only if they have accents. [laughter] Out of all the Asians, Koreans are the easiest, ’cause when a Korean person talks, they sound like they’ve been smoking weed all day. [laughter] Like right before they talk to you… [inhaling] [imitates Korean] [laughter] [continues imitating Korean] Koreans sound like Asian ghosts. [imitates Korean] [laughter] My best friend growing up was Korean. I remember the first time I went to his house, his dad yelled from upstairs. I thought the fucking house was haunted. – [laughter] – Swear to God, right when I walked in… [imitates Korean] [laughter] [imitates Korean] [laughter] – I was like, “What the fuck was that?” – [laughter] “Ah, it’s my dad. He just wants to know if you’re hungry.” [laughter] You can do that with any Asian. Vietnamese. [laughter] What? I haven’t even done anything yet. [laughter] [Jo laughs] Vietnamese, I love Vietnamese people. – You’re my… I love you. – [cheering] You’re the smallest of the Asians. [laughter] You’re smaller, but I will tell you this, don’t fuck with Vietnamese people. They will fight anybody. [laughter] Those little fuckers will fight any… They don’t give a shit. I don’t care how strong you are, they will fight you. – They will run up to you and say shit. – [rapid shuffling] [laughter] That’s their little feet. [rapid shuffling] [laughter] I had one run up to me at the end of the show. – [rapid shuffling] – [laughter] “Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude?” [laughter and applause] – They talk… – [cheering] [Jo laughing] They talk… They talk real fast… You know they talk that fast. They talk like this, real fast, like, “Dude, what you say to me like that, dude?” – [laughter] – They talk real fast like that, dude. [laughter] Koreans sound like they’ve been smoking weed all day. Vietnamese people sound like they’ve been doing cocaine their whole life. [sniffs] “Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude? Don’t you talk to me like that, dude. What you say to me like that?” [laughter] Vietnamese people put a period after every word that come out. “Hey. Dude. What. You. Say. To. Me. Like. That. Dude?” [laughter] Vietnamese people go real high. [high tone] They go real high, like that, dude. [low tone] They go down low, like that. They start low, like that, dude. [high tone] Then they’ll go real high like that, dude. [laughter] Vietnamese people sound like they’re in a car far away and they drive by you real fast when they’re talking to you. Like, “Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude? Don’t say that!” Man, say that shit again, man. Get out the car and say that shit. [cheering and applause] Japanese. – [laughter] What? [laughs] [deep moan] – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Japanese, only if they have accents you can tell us apart. Japanese, very distinct. When a Japanese man talks… [deeply] it come from diaphragm. [laughter] [imitates Japanese accent] This where Japanese man purr. [laughter] Huh! Hi! [laughter] Japanese! – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Japanese woman, doesn’t matter if she’s 12 years old, or 75 years old, they always sound 12 years old. [upbeat, high-pitched speech] Let’s go! Okay! [laughter and applause] That’s why no one watches Japanese porn. [laughter] No one watches Japanese porn. You know how annoying that shit is to watch? [imitates man, deep voice] [imitates woman, upbeat] All right, let’s go! [laughter] [imitates man] [imitates woman] Oh-oh, keep going! – [laughter] – [imitates man] [imitates woman] Uh-oh, in my eye! Ooh! Ooh! [laughter, applause, and whistling] [Jo laughing] Ever since my last Netflix special, I’ve been getting a lot of Mexicans coming to my shows. – [cheering] – A lot of Mexicans come to my shows now. And they always come up to me and say the same shit at the end of my show. They always go, “Hey fucker.” [laughter] Sorry. [laughter] It’s so racist. I don’t know why. I don’t know why… “Hey fucker.” Why… Why when I impersonate a Mexican guy, I always gotta sound like… I always gotta sound like I’m falling off a cliff. [laughter] It’s so fucked up. [laughter] It’s a horrible impersonation, but that’s what they sound like. They always sound like they’re falling off the cliff. [laughter] The longer the sentence, the further the fall. [laughter] [Jo laughs] Mexicans always come up to me and say the same thing at the end of my shows, all the time. They’re like, “Hey, your mom’s just like my mom. Everything your mom does, my mom does.” [laughs] What’d I say? “Everything…” You look like a cholo, I swear to God. – Its scaring the shit out of me. [laughs] – [laughter] I’m trying to do this joke, but this guy’s like, “Say it right, fucker. [laughter] “Say it right, fucker. Don’t…” [laughter] You know how hard is it to be funny when a cholo’s looking at me like this? [laughter] What’s your name, bro? – Jason. – Jason? – Are you Filipino or Mexican? – I’m Filipino. He’s fucking Filipino! – Goddammit. – [cheering and applause] See what the fuck I’m talking about? – You look like my brother, man. – [laughter] Jason? [laughs] See, this is what I want everyone to know, man. There’s a reason why Mexicans and Filipinos look a like. There’s a reason why Mexicans and Filipinos relate. It’s a lot deeper than Vicks VapoRub. [laughter] That’s not the only common bond we have. I don’t want you to come up to me at the end of the show, “Hey, my mom use Vick’s VapoRub too. That’s so crazy.” – No, it’s not. – [laughter] There’s a reason why. There’s a reason why we relate on so many other levels. Spain conquered the Philippines for over 350 years. That’s real shit. You guys bred with us. [laughter] We’re the first hybrid race. That’s what Filipinos are: Spanish, Asian. Filipino. [laughter] That’s what we are. It’s a bad thing what happened, but it’s also a good thing. We got a lot of their traits, a lot of their culture. Know what I’m saying? We look like ’em. Look at us. We’re two hour flight from Japan. We are in the heart of Asia, that’s where for the Philippines sits. But look at us, we don’t even have Asian last names. [laughter] Because they left their fucking names there. [laughter] We don’t have Asian names, we have Latino last names. Look at our fucking last names. In my family alone, De La Fuente, Santos, Gonzalez. We’re fucking Mexicans! [laughter and cheering] We are the Mexicans of Asia. [laughter] That’s… that’s real talk. Everything Mexicans do, Filipinos do. Everything! What do you guys have? Quinceañera, debut. [laughter] We got that from them, right? We celebrate the daughter when she turns 15, right? She’s 15? Same shit! Throw a big ass party. Mexicans do that shit all the time, right? “You’re 15, you’re ready to be a woman, mija, it’s your quinceañera.” “Are you sure Papa? I’m only 15.” [laughter] “Yes, I’m sure. [laughter] Your mother’s only 30.” [laughter] Okay, okay, okay, that was fucked up! That was fucked up. But it’s funny, come on. [laughter] – Is it fucked up? It’s just a joke! – [laughter] Fuck! Stop being sensitive. Go fuck yourselves! [laughter] Stereotypes are funny for a reason, ’cause they’re true. [laughter] We all have stereotypes. Embrace it. Fuck it. Laugh at it. Who gives a shit? Not all Filipinos are nurses, but a lot of you motherfuckers are. [laughter] [cheering and applause] I don’t know all these Filipinos in here, but I know one thing, – we have the same uncle. – [laughter] Every holiday, he has to talk to everybody. And we dread it, ’cause it takes forever to talk to him. ‘Cause he doesn’t even know what he wants to say. He always starts off every conversation like this, “Ah… [laughter] You know, uh… Josep, ah… [laughter] Remember the… [laughter] The… Shit, the…” – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Always, “Ah…” [laughter] I took… [laughs] I took my uncle to the to the mall, and we were in the food court. We’re just sitting there, he’s just trying to talk. And he’s loud, so everyone’s watching. That’s the part that embarrassed me the most, ’cause he’s loud, and everyone’s looking, and he’s like, “Ah… Josep, you remember the… that, uh… one time you… got me… – the…” – I’m like, “What? What are trying to say?” “Hey, I’m trying to tell you. Wait! [laughter] Don’t rush me, huh. I’m trying to think and you’re rushing… Don’t rush me, huh! [laughter] The… that one time you got me…” Everyone’s watching. Everyone in the food court is looking. “Ah… that, ah, you got me a drink? [laughter] You got me that drink?” “Yeah, I got you that drink. What about it?” “Yeah, and, uh, you come back, it had that, uh… that big straw? – [laughter] – Remember, it has that big straw. I look at it, go, ‘Putang ina, that’s a big straw!’ [laughter] Remember that, you look at this big straw, and then you got mad at me?” – “Yeah, what about it?” – “Yeah, you told me to just drink it. – [laughter] – Remember? You told me, ‘Just drink it.'” “Yeah, what about it?” – Everyone’s watching. Everyone’s watching. – [laughter] “Yes, so I start to drink like that, and… [laughs] – [laughter] – I’m… I… I’m drinking like that and I start sucking on the straw… [laughter] And then, this, uh, black ball starts shooting in my mouth… – [laughter] – And I’m sucking. I’m sucking like that, and I’m… I’m… Black balls are in my mouth and I’m sucking and choking on these black balls. I got mouth full of black balls, and I’m choking, sucking…” “Shut the fuck up! [laughter] Boba, it’s fucking boba!” [laughter] “Oh, yeah, boba. I hate that shit.” [laughter] That’s why Filipinos should only be nurses. [laughter] Just be nurses, don’t be doctors. Imagine my uncle a doctor, during surgery. [laughter] “Nurse, can I get the, uh… [laughter] the… oh shit. The… you know, that, uh… you know, to cut the… to cut, uh… you know, the…” The nurse is like, “Putang ina, what? They all cut, what? What do you need, doctor?” “The… the shit… the… the…” “He’s dying, what the fuck do you need? What? What? Say it.” “The shit… the… the…” [laughter] We are a stereotype. Filipinos morph into a fucking stereotype. I don’t know what it is, they just morph into a goddamn stereotype. I talked about that on my last special, but look, look around you. They’re here. [laughter] See, my mom‘s not here tonight, but I look out, and fuck, there she is! [laughter] Short hair, glasses. [laughter] Purse on the lap. – Look, right there, there she is. – [laughter] There she is. Handkerchief, handkerchief. [laughter] Louis Vuitton purse. Confused, “Where are we? [laughter] [Jo laugh] Where… where are we? What is this?” [laughter] I love us. They got to have that Louis Vuitton purse. That’s their purse. You know how many Louis Vuitton purses I bought my mom? So many. You know what she puts in it? Snacks. [laughter] It’s the most expensive lunch box you’ll ever see. [laughter] And they’re not even good snacks. [laughter] All my friends, when I was a kid, man, they would go to the mom, “Mom, can I get a snack?” And she’d pull out delicious snacks out of her purse. Doritos. Fun Size Snickers. I run up to my mom… Shit! [laughter] Her snacks were something she took from a restaurant. [laughter] Run up to my mom, “Mom, can I get a snack?” “Oh, here’s some oyster crackers.” [laughter] Oyster crackers are made to absorb soup. [laughter] And she wants me to eat this before I go to class. “Put that in your stomach.” I’d put it in my… [chokes] [laughter] [choking] – “Swallow it!” – [chokes] [laughter] [chokes] [laughter] That’s my mom’s hustle. That’s any mom’s hustle, I swear to God. And here’s the thing, man, it doesn’t matter how much they make, It doesn’t matter. They will get free shit. [laughter] “If it’s there, get it.” My mom said that to me all the time, “Get it. – [laughter] – Go back in there and get it.” [laughter] “Get what?” “Just what… that… whatever that is. – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Just get more, grab more. [laughter] Put it in the purse. Put it in the purse. Go! [laughter] Get it, get extra.” She always said that, “Get extra. Joseph, go back in there and get extra. Get extra.” You know what “get extra” means? Steal! [laughter] Steal! She wants her kid to fucking steal. [laughter] “Get extra.” I used to hate going to McDonald’s. [laughter] ‘Cause she’d always make me go back in, “Go back in there and get extra napkins.” [laughter] “Why?” “Because we need extra for the… the house. [laughter] Get extra, Joe. Go, go back in there.” “God, how many do you need?” [laughter] “Well, your birthday is coming up. Go back in there.” – [laughter] – “Fuck!” [laughter and cheering] Stuffing my pocket with napkins. I’m so mad, I’m looking at my mom. She’s out in the parking lot. [groans] I’m crying. [sobs] [laughter] She doesn’t care. “The other pocket! Fill it!” [laughter] My son has no idea how that feels. He doesn’t know. I buy napkins. [laughter] I buy expensive napkins, because I’m traumatized. [laughter] Stealing napkins my whole life. I don’t want my son to go through that shit. My son doesn’t know how embarrassing birthdays are. My birthday sucked. My mom was handing out slices of cake to all the kids, then she hand out napkins. None of them match. “KFC, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Burger King, KFC, Cheesecake Factory, ooh that’s a good one. That’s… that’s a lot thicker than the other.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] These kids got a good though. Fifteen-year-old kid. Man, my son has no idea. He has no idea how good he’s got it. These fucking millennials, millennials! Is that what they’re called this year? Millennial? Gen X? Millennial? Pussies! [laughter] Is that what they’re called, pussies? They’re pussies. All of them, pussies. If there’s 15-year-olds in here, you’re fucking pussy, all of you. [laughter] Fucking pus… Right? Am I my fucking right? They complain. You can’t… you can’t yell at ’em. They’ll… they’ll say something. You’ll get in trouble. They go, “Oh my God, my… my mom yelled at me, and I’m so scared to go to the house, ’cause my mom yelled at me.” Man, go fuck yourself. Are you kidding me? [laughter] You’re scared to go home ’cause you’re mom yelled at… That’s all my mom did, was yell at me. That was the only language my mom spoke, was yell. “Ha? – What? – [laughter] – Say it again! – [laughter] Say it again! Say it! – What did you say, Joseph? – [laughter] What did you say? Turn around. Turn around, Joseph. [sobbing] [laughter] That’s the only language my mom talked. Yell! “Ha? When? When did you do it? Where? Where did you go? Ha? What? [laughter] Did you lose your lunch box?” I remember when I lost my lunch box one time, holy shit! [laughter] That’s how my mom disciplined. Through the… She never, like, physically touched. She… she verbally attacked you. That’s when she went after you. She’d break you down in words. Interrogation. – Two and a half hours of yelling. – [laughter] “What? Where… where’s your lunch box, Joseph? Where did you put it?” “I… I don’t know!” [laughter] “What do you mean ‘you don’t know’? Where? Where did you go? You go from house to school. School to house. Where the fuck did you lose it? [laughter] What? You just take your lunch box, put it anywhere, ‘Oh, I don’t know where. I don’t know where anything is. I don’t know where.’ [laughter] Where’s your lunch box, Joseph? Where? Where did you put it?” “I don’t… I don’t know!” Then she’ll just repeat what I said in a stupid voice. [deep voice] “I don’t… I don’t know! [laughter] How do you not know, Joseph? How?” “I don’t know, Mom, what do you want me to say?” “Tell me where it is?” – “I don’t…” – [laughter] Two hours of that. – “Where?” – “I don’t know.” – “Ha?” – “I don’t…” [laughter] She wants me… she want me to have snot coming out of my mouth, and then breathe it in at the same time. – That’s when she’s happy. – [laughter] That’s what my mom knows she got me. [mumbling] I don’t know where… [choking] [laughter] [choking] [choking] That’s when she walks up to me, “Okay, okay, breathe, Joseph, breathe. – Breathe. My God.” – [choking] “Breathe, my God, Joseph. Breathe, breathe. Breathe” [choking] [laughter] “It’s just a lunch box.” [laughter] [chokes] [cheering and applause] Then she’s gotta embarrass me. Then she’s got to put my lunch in a Tupperware container. That’s how she embarrasses me. She always says, “I’m going to put your lunch in a Tupperware container.” And then, I’d cry more, “Why? I don’t want to go to school.” “Why not?” “Because I don’t want to go to school with my lunch in one of your Tupperwares.” [laughter] ‘Cause that shit’s embarrassing. If I send my son to school with the Tupperware container, he goes to school with a clear bowl, and it’s got a blue lid, and it says Tupperware on the lid. My son would be proud to go to school with that shit. My mom’s Tupperware… [laughter] usually an empty Cool Whip container… [laughter] Country Crock. [laughter] One time, she put it in an empty Neapolitan ice cream container. Had the red handles, she put my homework and my lunch. It looked like a fucking briefcase, like what the fu… [laughter] Put my lunch in a Cool Whip container, that shit is so embarrassing. Then she goes, “Grab a Sharpie so I can write your name on the lid.” Like… Like someone else has a Cool Whip container lunch box. [laughter] “I’m pretty sure I’m the only one with a Cool Whip container lunch box.” “You never know, Joseph.” “No, I know.” [laughter] I’m walking around the lunch room, looking for a place to sit, with my Cool Whip container lunch box. [laughter] All the other kids are looking at me. “Whoa. [laughter] Your mom’s gonna let you eat Cool Whip?” [laughter] “I don’t know what’s inside it.” [laughter] I’m sitting down at the lunch table, with my Cool Whip container lunch box. All these other kids are trading lunches in front of me, but no one wants to trade for the mystery bucket. [laughter] My mouth is watering, ’cause you see all these delicious trades going down. “I’ll give you my turkey and cheddar cheese sandwich, for that peanut butter and jelly.” “I’ll give you my chocolate chip cookies for those Pringles.” [laughter] “I’ll give you my chocolate milk for that Gatorade.” And I’m looking at all of ’em. [laughter] “Does anyone want munggo? [laughter] [cheering] Munggo? Munggo? No munggo? It’s so good, munggo? [laughter] You get to keep the container.” [laughter] Some kid was like, “What the fuck is munggo?” [laughter] I had to explain it to him. [laughter] “It’s these little round green beans. [laughter] And it sits on top of a bed of rice. And if you dig deep enough, you might find a shrimp or two.” [laughter] Some other kid was like, “What the fuck is that bag of sauce next to it?” [laughter] “Patis. [laughter] Filipino fish sauce. [laughter] It really accents the flavor of the munggo. [laughter] Don’t spill it on your shirt, you’ll smell like pussy all day. [laughter] Here’s the thing about my son, man. He doesn’t know what a lunch box is. This kid has a debit card. I’m even embarrassed to say this. His school takes credit and he has a debit card. It fucking sucks. Doesn’t know the responsibility of a lunch box, just goes to school and rings it up. I still discipline him. I still get mad at him. He called me on a Wednesday one time, he was like, “Hey Dad, there’s only, like, $0.40 left on my debit card.” [laughter] And I was like, “Oh, my God. [laughter] Go fuck yourself! [laughter] The fuck did you eat on Monday, asshole, filet mignon? [laughter] What, you’re walking into the lunchroom like a fucking nightclub? “Ah, chocolate milk’s on this motherfucker, let’s go!” [laughter] I know this is weird for me to even say, but my son doesn’t know what rice is, the way I knew rice… Rice was fucking everything to me. Rice was breakfast, rice was lunch, rice for dinner. And I know there’s a lot of people going, “Oh, Filipinos eat breakfast?” Yes, we do. It’s… it’s just last night’s dinner with an egg. That’s all that… that’s all that is. [laughter] And it’s delicious. That’s all we ate was rice. That’s the key to a Asian household, rice. That shit is always cooking. There’s always a pot of rice cooking. The rice cooker is always on. You could get locked in an Asian person’s house, and all the lights are off. – You can find the kitchen. – [laughter] Just look for that little square red light. [laughter] Now, there’s the fucking rice, right there. [laughter] [Jo laughs] I sent my son to go get rice the other day, I go, “Joe, go grab a bag of rice.” And he ran down a couple aisles, and then he came back with this little-ass bag of rice. – [laughter] – Was in his hand like that. And even though I knew that was the bag of rice he was supposed to get, I started reflecting back to when I was his age. The bag of rice I had to get… was a size of this fucking stool. [laughter] That shit was twice my body weight. I had to drag that shit back to my mom. [laughter] It was a big nylon bag, with Chinese writing on the front. Said 50 pounds at the bottom of it. My mom would sit that in the back of the kitchen next to the trash. Top just ripped open. Inside that bag was a coffee mug with a broken handle. [laughter] She called that a measuring cup. [laughter] She taught me how to make rice. I remember that day. “I’m going to teach you how to make rice, and this is the only time I’m going to teach you.” – [laughter] – “Okay. How do I do it?” “You take a couple scoops of rice, Joseph, put it in the pot, put water in the pot, squish it around. Clean the rice like that. If the water is cloudy, the rice is dirty, pour that water out. Put more water in there. Squish it around. Squish it around. If the water is still cloudy, the rice is dirty, pour that water out. Continue the process, Joseph, until the water is clear. When the water is clear, add water. It’s ready to cook.” “Well, then, how much water do I add?” “Just fill it to this line right here, Joseph.” [laughter and cheering] This is how you cook perfect rice. I want the world to know that right now. This is an ancient fucking secret. [laughter] Every Asian knows how to make rice, and this is how you do it. You don’t need a measuring cup, and you don’t need no fucking rice cooker. All you need is rice, a pot, and this fucking line right here. [laughter] [cheering] And I know there’s people watching right now, “How do you do that? That doesn’t make any sense.” Well, let me explain it to you. Put as much rice as you want in any pot, then fill it up with water. “How much water, Joe?” Well, you touch the top of the rice with this finger right here, and fill it up with water till it hits that fucking line right there. [laughter] Perfect rice. [cheering] This kid’s got it so good now. So good. Disciplining him is easier too, though, I will say that. It is a lot easier to discipline my son. My mom had to be creative. With me, shit, it’s easy. If my son fucks up, and this is anyone, though, with a teenager, they fuck up, what do you do? Take their phone away. That shit works. You don’t have to verbally abuse ’em, you don’t have to physically touch ’em. Just take their fucking phone away. My son doesn’t know what to do when I take his phone away. My son physically breaks down when I take his phone away. [laughter] I’m like, “Give me that phone.” He’s like, “Ah, Dad, ah. [laughter] What do I do now, Dad?” [laughter] He’s never seen his hand before. “What is this? Hello?” [laughter] My mom, when she disciplined, shit! Like I said, she never hit me, but goddamn, man. I remember one time, I was hiding in the closet, and she walked by and I scared her. Jumped out, “Ba!” [laughter] – My mom got so… “Ah!” – [laughter] “You think that’s funny? [laughter] Jump out and scare me like that, ha? [laughter] Get back in that closet. [laughter] Get back in there. Sit there. You sit there till I tell you to come out. Sit there.” [laughter] And I sat in that closet. And then she forgot I was in that fucking closet. [laughter] She came back with laundry, “Ha, what are you doing here?” “You told me to go here. [laughter] [crying] I’ve been here all day.” [laughter] She didn’t even apologize. “Just go to your room, it’s late now. [laughter] Go to my room crying. She didn’t give a shit. [laughter] Called her sister, bragged about what she did. [laughter] “You’re not going to believe what I did to Joseph. [laughter] [laughing] I put him in the closet. [laughter] All day! All day, I swear to God. I was even walking around, ‘Where the fuck is Joseph?'” [laughter] My son, goddammit. He’s 15. Here’s the thing about 15-year-old boys, man. He thinks he’s being slick and he’s not. [laughter] I keep telling him that, too. And that’s the thing. If you got boys, if you got a little boy, just be honest with ’em, talk to ’em like dudes. I can’t speak for girls. I’m just saying, if you have a little teenage boy, talk to ’em like dudes, they’ll respect you more. I don’t hide shit, I don’t candy coat shit. I let my son know. Like, “Joe, I know what you did in there.” [laughter] “What are you talking about, Dad?” “Well, I’m just saying, like, I was 15. And I know what you did in there. Like, all the creepy shit you’re doing, I did too. [laughter] I was just better at it.” [laughter] “What are you talking about, Dad?” “Joe, come on, man. I know what you… You were in the shower for 30 minutes, man. I know what you did.” “I didn’t do… I just took a shower.” I’m like, “You didn’t take a shower.” “How do you know I didn’t take a shower?” “Joe, you were in there for 30 minutes, and your hair is dry. [laughter] Bought you a big bottle of Head and Shoulders and it’s empty. [laughter] But you still have dandruff. I don’t know how… what… [laughter] But your dick always smells like mint. It’s just mint. Mint and zinc come from here. [laughter] It’s Head and Shoulders, Joe, not Dick and Hand. That’s it. – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] [laughing] It says Head and Shoulders! It doesn’t say Dick and Hand, Joe. It says Head and Shoulders. [laughter] It’s not slick. Come on, man. “All right, Dad. All right.” That’s how my son is now. Now he’s cool with it, “All right. All right. [laughter] I promise. I’ll be… I won’t… I’ll make it so you don’t know.” [laughter] Then he went to high-five me, “I promise.” I’m like, “I’m not gonna fucking shake your hand.” – [laughter] – I’m not gonna touch the murder weapon. [laughter] Good-looking kid, man. He’s got a full head of hair, man. He’s got a big afro, man. He’s got dark skin. All right, he’s got the darker skin. He’s been going to a lot of the other football games from other schools, and all the kids are asking him if he’s half-black. He even came up to me, like, “Dad, a lot of kids think I’m half-black.” I’m like, “All right, what’d you say?” He goes, “I’ve been saying yes.” [laughter] “Why would you say that?” “I don’t know, like, they don’t know.” “Well, how about when I come pick you up or something, and they notice that you’re not half-black?” He’s like, “Well, just don’t pick me up.” [laughter] And then he asked me if he can get a DNA test, ’cause he saw a commercial, and he’s like “Hey, Dad, let’s get one of those DNA tests.” “Why do you want to get a DNA test?” “Let’s just see, maybe there’s black in the family, Dad? Maybe a long… maybe a long time ago, there… maybe a long time ago there was someone black in our family, and it’s catching up to me, Let’s just see, it would be fun.” I’m like, “Joe, there’s no black in the family.” “You don’t know. Let’s just see.” I’m like, “Joe, there’s no black in the… Your aunt married a black guy, but that doesn’t help you at all.” [laughter] “Come on, Dad. Just get it. Just get it. It’ll be cool. Just get it.” [laughter] So I got it. [laughter] And we’re gonna do it. And I hope, I don’t know… I hope it comes back black. I don’t know… [laughter] If the results come back black, I’m just gonna be like, “Um… get the fuck out of my house. [laughter] – Go find your real dad. Who the fuck… – [laughter] Who the fuck is this kid? Give me back that debit card, motherfucker. [laughter] He’s constantly fucking with me. Always fucking with me. – Oh, I’m sorry there’s a wire. – [laughter] A black guy right here, I’m sorry. [laughter] – That’s… no. What’s your name, sir? – Malcolm. Malcolm. Goddammit, couldn’t get any blacker than that, shit! – [laughter] – Motherfucker! Shit. Malcolm. [laughs] [laughter] Of course it is. [laughter] – Is this… is this your lady? – This is my wife. – And what are you? What’s your ethnicity? – I’m Filipino. – You’re Filipino. See, this is what… – [laughter] This is what my son’s parents should look like, right here. [laughter] My son’s parents are here! [laughter] You think I’m joking? Wait… wait till I bring ’em out. You’re gonna be like, “Oh fuck, that is our kid, shit!” [laughter] You know my son ran up to me one time… This is true story. We were, uh… I was, uh… I was in my room, and he ran up to me, he always fucks with me. But he… ‘Cause he’s got such a beautiful head of hair. Right? It’s fucking beautiful, man. And, um… He looks like one of the Jacksons, from the Five, like, “Hey!” Like… [laughter] [cheering] But… [laughs] And it comes up to me, Malcolm, and he goes… “Dad, when I get older, am I gonna be bald like you?” [laughter] And that hurt me so bad. [laughter] Like, he doesn’t understand how hard that hurt. And I was like… So I wanted to, like, let him know that it hurt, but not with words, just by my tone. I was like, “You know what, Joe? You get your hair from your mom’s side. [laughter] And on your mom’s side, everyone has a full head of hair. That’s probably why you have so much hair. So you have to be worried about being bald like your dad.” [laughter] And my son goes, “Sweet! [laughter] Sweet!” And went into his fucking room like an asshole. [laughter] And I was crushed. I was like, “Man, fuck this kid, man.” [laughter] That’s why any time he asks a question, I have an opportunity to knock him down, I do it, Malcolm. Fuck him, man. [laughter] He came up to me, like, two weeks after that. And he was like, “Dad.” He was like all sad. “Dad, can I talk to you for a second, please and you promise you won’t make a joke?” [laughter] “Yeah. I pr… I promise.” [laughter] “No, I’m serious, Dad. Like, it’s been bothering me, and I need to talk to you about this, so please, no jokes.” “All right, Joe, talk to me. What’s wrong? Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” “Okay, um… Ah… I don’t even know how to say this. Um… Okay, I’ve been growing my pubic hairs for a couple years now…” [laughter] “Joe, you gotta warn me about the topic. [laughter] Like, you can’t just come in hot like that, man. You gotta… warn me, let me know. – I’m trying to eat lunch right now. – [laughter] – Now I got pubic hairs on my mind.” – [laughter] “All right, come on, Dad. You said you were gonna not joke around, I’m being serious. Like, listen to me. I’ve been growing pubic hairs for a while now, like for a couple years.” “Yeah, you’re a teenager, that’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to grow your pubic hairs, what’s bothering you? Why is that making you mad?” “No, just listen to me.” “Okay, I’m listening. What? What’s bothering you?” “Okay, well, I always thought, Dad, that once you start to grow your pubic hairs, that… that the penis was supposed to start growing.” [laughter] “Yeah, and?” “My penis isn’t growing, Dad! [laughter] Just my pubic hairs. [laughter] My penis is still the same size from two years ago, but my pubic hairs are long, Dad. It just keeps growing. I don’t get it, Dad. Dad! [laughter] Dad! [laughter] Dad!” [laughter] I didn’t know what to do. I just got on my phone like, “What the fuck?” [laughter] He’s like, “What are you doing, Dad?” And I was like… “I’m canceling that DNA test.” [laughter] [cheering] “Oh, my God, Dad. Does everything have to be a joke, Dad? Does everything have to be a joke?” And I was like, “Well, you made fun of my hair. [laughter] Now I’m making fun of yours.” [laughter] “Oh, my God, Dad. Come on. Seriously. I don’t understand what’s going on. Dad, what’s going on? What’s supposed to happen? I’ve been waiting, nothing’s happening, Dad. Dad! Dad!” I just grabbed him. Grabbed him, I was like, “Yo, stop. Stop fucking crying. – [laughter] – Stop!” “Well, tell me what I’m supposed to do. I don’t get it, Dad.” “Well, stop crying, first of all.” “Well, then, tell me. What?” I go, “Listen to me. Look at me. Listen to me.” “Oh, my God, what, Dad?” “Unfortunately, Joe… [laughter] That comes from your mom’s side too.” [laughter] Okay, now…[laughs] [laughter] Now here’s a fucked-up part about the story. I lied to my son. [laughter] He didn’t get that from his mom’s side. [laughter] That’s 100% my dick, 100%. [laughter] I knew it was mine when he described it. I was like, “Oh, shit. That’s mine. I got the same… I got the same fucking thing.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] But I’m not gonna tell him that. I’m not gonna be like, “Yeah, that’s the family dick and I’m heading down to you.” Like no, fuck that! [laughter] It’s the dick I hand down from generation to generation. – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] I’m not gonna tell him that. That’s the hand he was dealt. Now he has to play his own cards. I had a small dick and it worked. [laughter] Worked for me, goddammit. It’ll work for him. Not gonna be sad about it. He’s gotta deal with it. Deal with it. I’d be sad if he walked up to me and was like, “Dad, I don’t have a dick.” I’d be like, “Oh shit! – [laughter] – [laughing] I’m so sorry. [laughter] [laughing] Oops! Maybe Malcolm isn’t your dad.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] Fuck you, Malcolm, you’re laughing too hard at that shit. – [laughter] – Fuck you, man. See? Laughing hard at the big black dick joke. [laughter] But then he got mad at the Malcolm joke, “Oh, ’cause I’m black. Gotta have a name like Malcolm.” [laughter] Stereotypes are funny for a reason, for that reason right there alone. That’s a good stereotype, Malcolm, and you know it. Your whole life, you’ve been blessed with that stereotype. [laughter] The big dick stereotype. We don’t know if you have a big dick, but none of us in here wanna take that bet. [laughter] [applause] [cheering] We just assume Malcolm has a big dick, ’cause that’s your stereotype. Just like you assume I’m good at math. Fuck you, Malcolm. [laughter] [laughs] But that’s the fucked-up part. That’s the fucked-up part, Malcolm. You can’t get mad when someone else calls you out on another stereotype, ’cause it’s just funny. We’re just having fun, man. So, don’t get mad. If you’re gonna take that stereotype, you have to take ’em all, Malcolm. You have to take ’em all. Don’t be biased with your stereotypes. Don’t get mad if someone walks up to you, “Hey, you like chicken?” – “Why? ‘Cause I’m black, motherfucker?” – [laughter] Black man’s gotta like chicken all the time, motherfucker?” [laughter] “You got a big dick?” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.” [laughter] [applause] [laughs] [laughing] Unfortunately… Unfortunately… I don’t have a big dick. [laughter] And neither does my son. [laughter] [Jo laughing] Oh, this is gonna suck for my son when this goes out on Netflix. [laughter] Goddammit. Fuck! [laughter] [Jo laughing] [laughter] He’s gonna walk through the hallways at his school, and everyone gonna be like this, “Whoa.” [laughter] “It was just a joke.” [laughing] No, it wasn’t! [laughter] [laughing] That shit is real. [laughter] So what? He has a small dick, and? It doesn’t matter. Small dick… fuck it. It’ll work. It works. It fucking works. [laughter] I’m gonna… You know what? Here’s the thing. He’s gonna go through his teenage years, be insecure about his small dick. Then he’ll go through his twenties, probably build-up some confidence, I think. Then he’ll get to his thirties. If he’s not confident about his small dick then, then I’ll step in and talk to him. [laughter] Then I’ll walk up to him, like, “Hey man. Hey! Still mad about that small dick thing?” [laughter] – [deep voice] “Yeah, Dad. It sucks.” – [laughter] – That’s my son, 30-year-old voice. – [laughter] – “Yeah, Dad. It sucks. – [laughter] I’m 30 years old, I got a 15-year-old dick. [laughter] [Jo laughs] Here, I’m gonna do it to this side, “Yeah, I’m 30 years old, – I got a 15-year-old dick, Dad. – [laughter] What the fuck?” [laughter] That’s what I’ll grab him. “Listen to me. All right? Listen to me.” “What? What, Dad? What could you possibly tell me?” [laughter] I’ll just tell him, “From the bottom my heart, look, Joe, you got a small dick and… This is all you got to do. Fix your credit.” [laughter] And that’s the truth, Malcolm. [applause] [Jo laughs] You ever want to live… If you ever wanna live the big dick life, like Malcolm… [laughter] – …fix your fucking credit. – [laughter] You got a small dick, fix your credit. That’s the truth. You got a small dick? Good credit make your dick grow ten inches. [laughter] That’s the truth. And there’s a lot of guys in here that have a small dick, just like me. You’re just not laughing as hard. [laughter] Trying to play it off. [laughter] Try not to laugh, like this part of the joke doesn’t relate to you. You’re just looking at me like this. [laughter] But the girl you came with his dying. [imitates girl laughing] [laughter] “What are you laughing at?” “Fix your fucking credit.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] That’s the truth. Fix your credit. Shit works, man. Look, it works for me. I’m confident. I don’t give a fuck. – [laughter] – I’m single and I got good credit. I’ll tell every woman in here right now, I got a small dick! [laughter] But I got good credit. [laughter] Can a big dick buy you a house? [laughter] This little motherfucker can! [laughter] [cheering and applause] [Jo laughs] [laughing] It’s real talk. Everything you hear, Malcolm, I hear. [laughter] You hear big dick shit? So do I. [laughter] Women aren’t like men, man. Women are different creatures, man. When they love, they love. You take care of a woman, you provide for a woman, you protect. Cherish. Honor. Love. Every… All that shit, make her feel like a queen, watch what she does for your ego. – Watch what a woman does for your ego. – [woman cheers] ‘Cause she knows that’s what’s important to a man, his fucking ego. And men love that shit. She’ll say shit to you that you know goddamn well she shouldn’t be saying to you. [laughter] She lies to you in bed, and you take that lie. – [laughter] – You love that lie, ’cause it makes you feel good. You never question her on that lie. – “Who the fuck are you talking to?” – [laughter] You love it when she says it, you tell her to repeat it. “Ha, oh my… ow!” “Yeah, bitch, ‘Ow!’ ‘Ow!’ It hurts, huh?” “Yeah! Oh, my God!” [laughing] [laughter] Doesn’t matter about the size. Size doesn’t… look at it. See, it’s small, she doesn’t care. She loves you. She loves you. What you doing, the physical act, making love, she loves making love. She doesn’t care about the size, “It’s mine, mine. [smooches] [laughter] Mine, mine. That’s mine. Mine. Muah. I’m gonna sleep on it.” [imitates sleeping] Muah. [laughter] [Jo laughing] So, stop trying to do big dick things. Why do we do that? Stop trying to do big dick things. Stop trying to do shit that Malcolm does naturally. – [laughter] – Stop! Just do you! Do you! I do it all the time. I’m in as far as I can go, but what do I do? I arch my back, like more dick is gonna come out. The fuck am I doing? Like there’s extra dick in my hip. I just need to unlatch it. “There it is, bitch. You feel that shit?” [laughter] Your balls are a natural stopper. Your balls tell you when you’re out of dick. Your balls always tell you. Your balls are like, “That’s all the dick. That’s all the dick. Just balls, Jo. Just balls.” [laughter] Stop trying to do big dick things. Stop. Stop doing this shit, bringing it out and going back in. What are you doing? You have to have laser point accuracy to get back in there. Stop! Stop! Just leave it in there. Leave it in there. Cram that pussy. Cram the pussy. Cram it. Fuck her up. Cram it. Fucking cram. Fucking cram. Cram. Push the bitch. Cram it. “Where the fuck are we going?” Fuck… fucking cram it. “We’re in the kitchen.” [laughter] Just be happy you’ve been invited to the mansion party. [laughter] Just be happy you’ve been invited to the mansion party. That’s her mansion. Her 40-million-dollar mansion. And she’s throwing a party, and there’s only one person on that guest list, you! [laughter] I’m getting teary-eyed just thinking about it. [laughter] Forty-million-dollar mansion party and she’s got one person on the guest list, you. That’s fucking amazing. [laughter] Unfortunately, you can’t go all the way inside the mansion. [laughter] “It’s a big place you got here.” [laughter] But you can compliment the door frame. [laughter] – Jiggle the knob. – [laughter] Jiggle the knob. Look for the spare key. It’s in here, up here, and right there. That’s where the spare key is, I swear to God. Find that shit. [laughter] Malcolm’s upstairs, “They got a Jacuzzi up in this motherfucker.” [laughter] Fuck you, Malcolm. [laughter] [Jo laughs] I’m just gonna tell my son the truth. And be like, “Look Joe, size doesn’t matter. [laughs] Size doesn’t matter.” [laughter] It got quiet in here. [laughter] Does size matter? – [man] Yeah. – Yeah? [laughs] [laughter] Does size matter? [woman] Yes! [laughs] Yeah? Yes? [women] Yes! One no! [laughter] I was right. [laughter] I’m gonna ask again, does size matter? – [women] Yes! – [women] No. Yes. [laughing] No, down here. Yes, up there. [laughter] [Jo laughs] See what good credit will get you. [laughter] [cheering and applause] Good credit gets you downstairs. [laughter] Oh, shit. [laughing] Malcolm’s got front row. He got a big dick and good credit. Motherfucker! Motherfucker! [laughter] You sure you don’t have a big pussy? [laughter] What? Is that fucked up? Stop. I said I had a small dick. Stop. Maybe that wasn’t her yelling. Maybe that was their big pussy like, – “Yes!” – [laughter] “Shut up, big pussy.” “No, he’s a liar.” “Shut up, big pussy.” “No!” [laughter] If… [laughs] If size matters, then why is the number-one sex toy that’s always sold out at the sex shop that little, tiny… [imitates vibrator] [laughter] Look, look at all the women. [imitates vibrator] The size of my dick, right there. – [continues imitating vibrator] – [laughter] Every woman buys that fucking thing. Not one woman goes in the sex shop and goes, “I’ll take this right here. [laughter] I wanna fuck something and scratch my throat at the same time.” [laughter] Every woman… [imitates vibrator] When you use it… [imitates vibrator malfunctioning] [laughter] I love you, Hawaii. Thank you so much, man. [cheering and applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stewart-lee-standup-comedian-full-transcript/ | Stewart Lee: Stand-Up Comedian (2005) – Transcript | stewart lee | Recorded on 10 March 2005 at The Stand, Glasgow Pre-show music: ‘The Breath of Coldness’ by Evan Parker Stewart appears. Music changes to ‘Mr. Lee’ Stew invites four people onstage. He gives them party poppers and tells them to explode them on his signal. They do so and return to their seats, leaving stew alone at the mic, a few strands of party streamer draped over his head. So, on September the 11th, 2001 … I was actually on holiday, right. That seems distasteful now. But I wasn’t to know at the time. You know, I didn’t plan it. The holiday, I mean, not the attacks. And I was actually in the city of Granada in southern Spain, right. It’s an interesting place. Granada was kind of the last point of Muslim occupation in medieval Europe. It’s still a very mixed city – lots of mosques, lots of churches, lots of Arab Spaniards and white European Spaniards, all getting on fine. And I was walking around there on nine-one-one – the 9th of November, reclaim the calendar, we invented those dates – I was walking around there on the 9th of November, nine-one-one, and I went into, er, a little Spanish bar. And on television there was all this film of buildings on fire, and things falling down, and people running and screaming. And I said to the barman, ‘Where’s that?’ – in Spanish, ‘¿Dónde está?’ And he said, ‘Nuevo Yorica.’ And I thought, ‘Oh, it’s in Colombia or somewhere, it doesn’t matter.’ And then I watched for a bit longer, Glasgow, and I realised that it was New York, where English-speaking people live, and therefore a terrible newsworthy tragedy. And I don’t know if you remember, do you remember the planes, flying into the, yeah, the World Trade …? ’Cause we got that on the news in London, I don’t know if you had it here. And … I don’t want to make any assumptions, you know … Um … So I was watching that in this, this Spanish bar. And then George Bush came on the television news, and he said, ‘We are gonna get them folks what done this.’ And that annoyed me for two reasons. One, because it was grammatically inaccurate. And secondly, ’cause you could already see the terrible kind of cultural fallout of what this was going to mean. There was suddenly a horrible tension between the Arab Spaniards and the white European Spaniards in this previously happy bar. And after a while, I, I couldn’t stand the tension any more, so I went into the Gents to do a wee, and, er … A couple of people over there sniggered at the word ‘wee’. That’s fine, I know this is a tense subject to open with and I’m, I’m happy that the word ‘wee’ has helped defuse the atmosphere a bit. So … So I was standing there in this Spanish bar on the 9th of November doing a wee … out of my cock … and … and it was yellow … and smelt of wee. And while I was doing it, this thing happened that happens when you get a bit older, where, when you kind of release the pressure on the front sphincter, the, the, the back sphincter kind of loosens off of its own accord, you know. While I was there, this Arab guy came, and he, and he, and he stood next to me but I didn’t make eye contact with him, ’cause I was embarrassed, er, about the wee. And world news events. But, you know, while I was there, ’cause I was a bit older the, the, the front sphincter slackened off, the back sphincter went of its own accord. And suddenly, a little fart came out, right. But it was only a really tiny fart, like the kind of fart a vole might do. Or Anna Friel. It was a fart that smelt mainly of hair and was comprised principally of ideas. But it was a fart nonetheless. And the Arab guy, he, he heard the fart. And he looked across at me. And I looked back at him. And he laughed. And then I laughed. And I realised everything was going to be OK. And then I went back into the bar. By now the situation was even worse, even more tense. The room had kind of split along racial, religious lines. There was a horrible tension in the room. And then suddenly Co-lin – Colin – Powell went on the television – we invented those names, his name’s not … he’s not Co-lin the Barbarian, his name’s Colin, he should be running a photocopier repair workshop – Colin Powell went on television on the 9th of November, Spanish bar, and he said, ‘We are gonna launch a crusade against them folks what done this.’ And being in a largely Muslim town, full of murals of crusaders cutting the heads off Muslims, you realise what an inappropriate word ‘crusade’ was to use on the 9th of November. It went down really badly. And as a, a world statesman, Colin Powell should be aware of how words change their meaning, culturally. Saying ‘crusade’ on the 9th of November, it’s a bit like if I were to get a job as a maths teacher, teaching maths in a German town somewhere near Belsen. And I was to say to the kids, ‘I’m going to set you a maths problem. I want you to work through it, and on the last page, fill in your final solution.’ You know, it would be received badly. And as a world leader, Colin Powell should be aware of these kinds of cultural shifts in language. But he said ‘crusade’ and it went down really badly with everyone in the room, so there was an even worse atmosphere than before. And then the Arab guy that I’d had my kind of moment of epiphany, of kind of human trust with in the toilets, he was standing just in front of me. And he looked across at me with these eyes full of hope, as if to go, ‘What are we going to do?’ And I didn’t know what to do. I mean, I couldn’t just do another fart at will. You know, I’m not a nineteenth-century French music-hall entertainer. I’m the opposite of that. In four main ways … there isn’t time to go into now. But … But someone went, ‘Aw,’ disappointed there. If you seek me out afterwards, I’ll clarify the exact position. But I knew I had to do something, so … It was my moment. So what I did was, I just kind of lifted my leg up like that. And I sort of acted it out. I went, ‘Ugh, fuck, smell, ugh, horrible!’ And he laughed. And the guys he was with laughed. Gradually the laughter spread all around the room. There was a critic from the Independent at the back not laughing. But he didn’t really get what I was doing, you know. It was a kind of mixture of the sacred and the profane, it just went over his head. But eventually everyone in the room was laughing. And I realised that with that one inane, puerile, scatological gesture I had achieved more for world peace than any politician had all day. ’Cause farts are funny, Glasgow, right? That is the international baseline of all humour, farts, right. And you can be as sophisticated as you like, Glasgow, but at the end of the day you have to admit farts are funny. And you go, ‘No, we don’t actually agree with you, Stew. I saw a hilarious, satirical cartoon in the New Statesman at the weekend, satirising EU farming policies, it was hilarious.’ Was it? Was it as funny as a fart? No, it wasn’t. ‘But I saw Ian Hislop on television at the weekend, Stew, satirising the government, with his voice going up at the start of the sentence and going down at the end. It was hilarious.’ Was it? Was it as funny as some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse? No, it wasn’t. And nothing Ian Hislop ever says or does or secretly imagines will be as funny as that. And I ran this show in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, right, in August and, um, every year in Edinburgh they have a prize for comedy, right, organised by Perrier – the Perrier Awards. Perrier of course owned by Nestlé, Nestlé top of the World Health Organisation list of unethical companies. It suggested that their milk-marketing policies contribute to the death of 1.5 million children every year. So every time you laugh at a Perrier-nominated act, a little baby dies. Bear that in mind. And every year in Edinburgh, they always give that award to comedy to a human being speaking about some stuff. But if they had any integrity, they would give the Perrier Award to the genuinely funniest thing that’s going to happen in Edinburgh all August, which is just going to be an old Scottish tramp doing a fart in a wood. But, Glasgow, if a tramp farts in a forest and no one hears it, is it still funny? Yes, it is. ’Cause it’s some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse. And if the Perrier had any integrity, which they don’t, they would give that Perrier award to comedy to a fart. And if Channel 4 had any integrity, which they don’t, they would sign up that fart for its own twelve-part Channel 4 comedy series deal. Some laughs, some doubt in the room. People going, ‘We’re kind of with you theoretically. We understand this is some kind of satire of something. But how would that actually work, Stew? An invisible cloud of shit-smelling gas with its own Channel 4 series?’ I don’t know, Glasgow, I don’t know. But what I say to you is, could an invisible cloud of shit-smelling gas with its own Channel 4 series be any less funny than The Friday Night Project? So the day after the 9th of November – which is the 9th of December, nine-one-two. Do the math … s … I flew back from Spain to Heathrow Airport. I got a minicab from Heathrow Airport to Stoke Newington, Hackney, north-east London, where I live. And on the way, I had to go past the Finsbury Park mosque, which you’ll know if you read the news is the kind of hotbed of Muslim radicalism in Britain, run by Abu Hamza until recently. That’s the guy who has an eye patch and hooks for hands. An eye patch and hooks for hands. That’s not a good look for a religious leader. It’s a good look maybe if you’re considering auditioning for extra work in the sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean. But it’s not a good look for a religious leader. The Archbishop of Canterbury does not have an eye patch and hooks for his hands. He has a big festive Christmas beard in which robins might nest. And that helps us to take his pronouncements on the ethics of the family and modern society more sympathetically than we would if he had hooks for his hands. We’d be suspicious. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Only one hook! No, a woman there saying it’s only one hook. I think that it’s hooks for hands, I think he’s got two. But of course luckily the element of doubt’s been introduced here. Umm … I’m able to go away and check that. Er, if it’s factually inaccurate, I can remove it from this video … [male audience member heckles unintelligibly] … as I can everything you’ve said. So it’ll just look like a sixty-minute stream of uninterrupted success. Although, ironically, I may consider leaving this part in to give the illusion of it being a genuine event. What do you think of that, viewers at home? This is simultaneously dishonest, and yet also satisfying. But Abu Hamza of course, he’s in Belmarsh at the moment. He’s in the process of being deported to America, where he is guaranteed a fair trial. Irony there. One of the many comic tools we’ll be using tonight. So. So I was driving past the Finsbury Park mosque on the, er, 9th of December, the day after the 9th of November, and it was all kicking off outside. There’s Muslim demonstrators on one side of the street complaining about the reprisals they’ve suffered, police in the middle trying to keep order. And on the other side of the Seven Sisters Road, British National Party members standing near the Arsenal shop, their spiritual home. And they’re shouting out, ‘SEND THEM BACK! SEND THE MUSLIMS BACK TO WHERE THEY CAME FROM! BRADFORD, WOOD GREEN, LEEDS, LIVERPOOL, MANCHESTER, BIRMINGHAM AND OTHER BRITISH INDUSTRIAL CITIES WHICH REQUIRED CHEAP LABOUR IN THE NINETEEN-SIXTIES AND SEVENTIES.’ And it looked, Glasgow, like there was going to be a full-scale religious race riot. And so I said to the minicab driver, ‘Stop. Let me out. I can help here.’ And I got out the minicab. I pushed through the British National Party blokes. I pushed through the police line. I pushed through the Muslim demonstrators. I ran into the mosque, some guy tried to get me to take my shoes off, I don’t know what that was about, there wasn’t time, I carried on through. It was a nice, hospitable gesture, but it was ill-timed. And I ran up the prayer tower to the minaret, where the call to prayer is broadcast out to the faithful of North London, and I snatched the little microphone out of the stand there, and I pulled down my underpants and I shoved it up my anus. And with a concerted effort of mental and physical willpower, I farted into it. But on that occasion, it didn’t really help. In fact, some eyewitnesses to the ensuing carnage were subsequently to suggest that it may have made the situation worse. And my heartfelt message of peace and goodwill to all men was misunderstood. Although I take some comfort in the fact that a similar thing often happened to Jesus. I’m not saying I am Jesus. That’s for you to think about at home. But if I was Him, this is the kind of place I would come, isn’t it? A simple, humble place. Not the Glasgow Empire, I’d come here. But I’m not saying I am Jesus. Not in the current climate. Erm … But I think there’s a kind of European smugness where we look at America’s hysterical overreaction to the events of the 9th of November and we go, ‘Thanks for that, America, thanks. You’ve set us off on a course of the destruction of world civilisation as we know it. Thanks for that. Thanks.’ But you mustn’t hate the Americans, right? America is currently the most hated country in the world. Americans don’t know that. They don’t read, or watch news. If they did, they would be unhappy. Osama bin Laden flew planes into the World Trade Center, it was a waste of time. If he’d really wanted to hit America hard, where it hurts, he should have carpet-bombed the country with a weapon that Americans would never be able to understand – world geography examination papers. Shops which don’t have the word ‘barn’ in their name. And the metaphysical concept of shame. But you mustn’t hate the Americans. Don’t hate them, Glasgow. Americans live in a kind of state of ignorant, prelapsarian bliss. They don’t know what’s going on. And because of that, it can be very relaxing to go to America and watch them. If you go to America and look at Americans in their natural habitat – er, the theme park, the shopping mall, the race riot, the high-school massacre – and you watch them walking around, looking at colours and shapes … and lights … and words … sometimes imagining what the words might mean … It’s very relaxing, Glasgow. It’s like watching carp in a pond in a stately home, er, their mouths opening and closing. It’s charming. But you mustn’t hate the Americans. They’re not a naturally curious people. Most Americans do not own passports. They’re not a naturally curious people. If you were to lock an American for sixty years in an empty underground bunker which contained nothing but a woolly tea cosy, the American would not even be curious enough to be tempted to see if the tea cosy would make a serviceable hat. They’re far more likely to arrest the tea cosy, intern it illegally in Guantanamo Bay, and then repeatedly anally rape it until such time that it admits that it was actually a member of an al-Qaeda training cell. Even though at the time of the alleged offence the tea cosy was actually working as a shop assistant in a branch of Currys in Wolverhampton. Some laughs there, other people are a bit confused. ‘What’s he talking about?’ Right? OK, well, again, that’s a kind of bit of satire of the fact that some of the British citizens held in Guantanamo Bay were tortured into saying that they’d been in al-Qaeda camps, even though at the time they were supposed to be there, they were actually working as shop assistants in a branch of Currys in Wolverhampton. Other people I sense are going, ‘Yeah, we know about that. That’s not what’s confusing us. What’s confusing us here in Glasgow is the idea of a tea cosy working as a shop assistant in a branch of Currys. How could that possibly work?’ And again, Glasgow, I say to you, I don’t know, I don’t know how that would work. But what I say to you is, could a tea cosy working as a shop assistant in a branch of Currys actually be any less effective than some of the people currently employed there? ‘Hello. I don’t know if you can help me. I’m interested in buying one of those iPods.’ ‘I’m sorry, sir. I won’t be able to help you, on account of the fact that I am fashioned entirely from colourful wool. Perhaps you’d like to ask one of my colleagues – the cardigan, the mitten, the balaclava helmet.’ And again, you’ll notice there a list of three things. Really they ought, comedically, to build. But the balaclava helmet was a disappointment. It didn’t get the laugh one would be hoping for there. Umm … And I knew that was going to happen, right, ’cause like I say, I ran this show in Edinburgh for a month last August. And I thought – I’ll be honest with you, Glasgow – I thought the balaclava helmet was going to get a big laugh. Ironically, I’ve been touring this. The only place the balaclava helmet did get a big laugh was in Aldershot, which is a military town, so they probably have a different relationship with it. But on the whole, people don’t find it funny. Now I was confused, because for me, the balaclava helmet is one of those inherently absurd items. I thought it would be a good topper there, but it never works. So the first kind of week of the run, the month run, I kept swapping the order around, I was going, ‘Perhaps you’d like to talk to one of my colleagues, the balaclava helmet, mitten, cardigan. Cardigan, balaclava helmet, mitten,’ whatever. And after weeks, still nothing … It never got any laughs. Then, after about ten days, um, one of my friends in the audience, the Actor Kevin Eldon, who you may remember from Channel 4’s Packing Them In in the early nineties – the best, the best work he did. And erm … I said to him, ‘Why do you think that isn’t working?’ And he said, ‘Well, the problem is, all the items in your list are made of wool. And the tea cosy has already said to the customer that it won’t be able to help him on account of the fact that it is made of wool. So for the tea cosy to suggest to the customer that he seeks assistance from other exclusively woollen items, you know it simply adds insult to injury, it makes the situation worse.’ So I said, ‘Yeah, I’d never thought of that, you know. What shall I do?’ And he said, ‘Well, just think of three things that aren’t made of wool and you’ll be all right.’ And I thought, ‘Yeah, I will, right, but I won’t write them down. I’ll come out every night and I’ll just make them up. I’ll exist in the moment. I’ll trust it to chance. I’ll improvise like Eddie Izzard … pretends to do.’ And … no! And, when you’ve tried to do it, you realise why he doesn’t. It’s hard. It’s hard to do. It’s much easier to just go ‘er’ in every sentence and give the illusion of spontaneity. And so … So I came out … let it go, let it go! … so I came out the first night, I went, ‘Yeah, perhaps you’d like to talk to one of my colleagues.’ And I said, you know, ‘The stick, the wood.’ And then I said, ‘The toaster.’ And again, there was no laughs. I thought, ‘Why’s that?’ And I went home, and I thought, ‘Yeah, the problem is the toaster is an electrical item and people are thinking, “Is that working in Currys or is it for sale there?”’ Yeah, but I was chasing the problem down. Basically, I realised I needed three things that were neither electrical nor woollen. Right. But it’s quite hard to think of that. Sir, think of a thing. AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Weather vane. Weather vane. AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: The act of cunnilingus. Weather vane. The act of cunnilingus. And … AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: A banana. What? AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: A banana. A banana. Weather vane, the act of cunnilingus and a b– … Well, admittedly, those are, those are quite good. They’re not electrical nor wool. And weather vane, banana – good. The act of cunnilingus is particularly good ’cause that takes us into an area where actual concepts, not just things and objects, are working in a shop. It’s certainly … I was in Aspen, Colorado, two weeks ago, in America. You beat them hands down. Their first two suggestions were a scarf and a kettle. Woollen and electrical, straight … Although, to be fair, this wasn’t the part of the set they liked least, you know? After the nine-one-one opening, a lot of the American audience had been shaken off in, in Aspen. If anything, arguably the New York warm-ups were worse. But … It’s weird, ’cause, ’cause about two weeks into Edinburgh, some kid emailed me and he went, ‘You know that bit you do about people being so bored they wear tea cosies as hats?’ I went, ‘Yeah.’ He goes, ‘Um, there’s a Spike Milligan or a Billy Connolly joke like that,’ he said, ‘from 1972.’ So, basically, I must have kind of remembered that and copied it. So that bit, the first half of it is plagiarised and the second half doesn’t really work. But I was making a number of crass generalisations about Americans there. I don’t really believe any of them and I did it for comic effect. And I don’t understand how anyone can have a kind of generalised view about another nation or race. I certainly don’t, and I think it’s because I’m, I’m different to a lot of you. I’m not necessarily better, but I am … I’m different. And I’m better, let’s face it. But … But … And I think it’s because I feel a little bit kind of removed from your human society, ’cause I’m actually, I’m adopted, I’m an adopted man … so I’m suspicious of notions of identity or nationhood. For example, I grew up thinking that I was English, right, but about two years ago I found out – and this is true – I found out that my real father is Scottish, right, which of course means that I’m Scottish, ’cause, as you’ll know, Scottishness is passed on through the male genes. Like a disability. And, er … it … it overwhelms all female chromosomes. And that’s why there are no Scottish women, are there? There’s no Scottish women. There are men in kilts, but that’s just nature trying to find its own level. And if a Scottish man wants to breed, of course, you have to travel south of the border. Normally, you get as far as a major English railway station, get off the train, lie down in a gutter, drunk, and hope some pollen lands on you. And … and I can say that, remember, because I … technically, I am Scotch. Yeah, Scotch, yeah. Genetically, if not culturally. But I think that, even though I grew up thinking I was English, I think I always knew that I was one of you, you know. ’Cause I’d go into school, Monday mornings, and people’d go, ‘Did you see the sport at the weekend, Stew? The brilliant sport that all men must like, with England winning in it? It was good, wasn’t it?’ And I’d go, ‘No, in fact it filled me feelings of revulsion and disgust.’ Then they’d go to me, ‘What about the rich tapestry, the tableau of English culture and history? Do you take no pleasure in that?’ And I’d go, ‘No. In fact, the whole notion of English culture just makes me feel kind of mentally, physically and spiritually bereft.’ And they’d go, ‘What about the English language, the tongue of Shakespeare, Shelley, Blake? Churchill? Does that not stir some residual national pride in you?’ And I’d go, ‘No. In fact, whenever I hear an English accent, I have to be physically sick.’ And I would hear my own voice answering their question and I would start vomiting as I spoke. So I hated, as a child, I hated being English. And yet conversely, I always harboured secret cravings for shortbread, offal and heroin. (You seem to like that.) You know, deep-fried heroin if I could get it. With sauce [‘soss’]. Heroin supper, £2.95. But … So … I think I always knew, Glasgow … I can hardly believe this is happening … I think I always knew that I was a Scotch man. And so I always knew, and … But … But … So … I think I always knew, Glasgow … I can hardly believe this is happening … I think I always knew that I was a Scotch man. And so I always knew, and … But … AUDIENCE: Scottish! Yeah, Scottish. Thank you for correcting me, sorry. Er … you know … it was an error I made on purpose for comic effect. And I’m glad that there’s so little trust in me in the room that people are going, ‘He’s a fucking idiot! He doesn’t know … He’s insane! What’s he talking about? He hasn’t done the most basic research.’ But … No … Even despite that, I always knew that I was Scottish … In my heart, in my brave heart, I always knew that I was. OK, shout out if you’ve seen the film Braveheart. You’ve all seen it, shout out. AUDIENCE: Yes! OK, now you’ll know more than any other audience I’ve played in the last three weeks that Braveheart is the shittest film ever made, right? It was. It was directed by the reactionary Catholic bigot Mel Gibson, and it’s full of basic, fundamental historical errors which insult your race, and mine by association. Right? Here’s … Here’s just three off the top of my head. Firstly, William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero, he wasn’t some, you know, noble savage living in a mud hut, we all know that. He was a privileged, educated nobleman, right? Secondly, it’s not mentioned by Mel Gibson in the film, but there’s some evidence to suggest that he actually fought as a mercenary for the English as a teenager. That’s conveniently missed out.
Thirdly, you know that French princess he’s supposed to have sex with? This French princess, in the film, you remember? And the implication is that he gets her pregnant and she marries Edward II of England, so it’s his kid. Now – she was a real historical figure, that French princess. But at the time of the death of William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero, she was only four years old. Now, Glasgow, I’m not saying that William Wallace, Brave heart, your national hero, didn’t have sex with her … You know … He probably did. But if he did – and he did, he definitely did, right – it would have been a far less romantic scene than the one enacted by Mel Gibson in the film Braveheart. It may have happened in a tent, but it would still have been not a romantic scene. Because that would have made William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero, a paedophile. A Scottish paedophile. The worst kind of paedophile that there is. Coming at you … through a bothy … with shortbread on its face … muttering unintelligible sexual threats in a frankly incomprehensible dialect. Another weird thing about that film is, you know in it, like, um … Fine, leave at this point. Er … It gets, it gets worse. A man leaving there to go away and think about the idea of a paedophile Braveheart in the privacy of a toilet cubicle. Another weird thing about that film is that in it, if you remember, like, er, Mel Gibson makes a big deal about the fact Edward II, the English prince, was gay, right, as if not only did he oppress the Scots, but he did it in a kind of gay way, which makes it worse. But … the irony is, again, it’s not mentioned in the film that William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero himself, was actually gay. And … No, he was, sir … And we know this from some information that’s come to light in the last couple of years. Firstly, about two years ago, they found a cache of love letters hidden in a nook at, er … at, er … Glamis Castle or somewhere. And the letters were exchanged between William Wallace and Robert the Bruce. And they were full of declarations – they were – they were full of declarations of love and details of their, of their sexual encounters, the very vigorous sexual encounters that they had. That’s one thing. Then, about a year ago, they found some, um, graffiti on, er, a wall … on an old Scottish wall, on the wall … on the wall of a broch, actually, which is… the Broch of Gurness, which is a real place in, er … the Orkneys. They found it there. And it said, um … The graffiti, which is real, it existed, it said, er … ‘I am a gay, signed William Wallace, “Braveheart”.’ And the ‘Braveheart’ bit was in inverted commas, so they knew that meant it was real. ’Cause it was like a fun nickname, you know, it was, like, real. So … Now … So, er … Wow, Braveheart, our national hero, was gay. And when – you know – when I was talking about this in Edinburgh in the summer, people were going, ‘Well, why didn’t we know about that, you know? Why …?’ And the reason is ’cause the graffiti and the letters were written in Gaelic, so it wasn’t translated. And people are going, ‘Well, why wasn’t it translated? That’s just the ancient language of our nation, of the Scots. Why wasn’t it translated?’ Well, it wasn’t. What Gaelic actually was, was a very kind of highly evolved form of medieval Scottish homosexual patois. And the clue’s in the name if you look at it, right. Gae-lich. That means ‘gae’ – homosexual, gay – and then ‘lich’ is language or tongue. So Gaelic is literally the language of gays. And … you know … I was booed off at the Assembly Rooms for saying this in Edinburgh. But it’s true. And I don’t think it’s … I think it’s really great that, that our national hero, er, William Wallace, was gay. Because Scotland’s always been a much more progressive, liberally minded kind of a nation that’s not afraid to show its feminine side. And I think that, um, compared to England, which is a very backward kind of bigoted place. And I think that it’s really good that as we enter the twenty-first century, one of your national folk heroes can embody a kind of progressive notion of sexual identity. I think that’s a really brilliant thing. And I wish that some of the English, er, folk heroes, like, er, King Alfred or, or Robin Hood or King Arthur had, had been gay. But … but they weren’t. And … it’s only William Wallace, Braveheart, the Scottish one, that definitely was gay. And of course another … AUDIENCE MEMBER: Robin Hood, surely. Sorry? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Robin Hood, surely. Someone, er, said that Robin Hood was, surely … AUDIENCE MEMBER: Men in tights. And someone there saying ‘Men in tights’. But of course the ‘men in tights’ addition to the Robin Hood legend was made in the nineteen-eighties by Mel Brooks. The, er, facility to make those kind of tights didn’t exist in medieval England. If it had have done, maybe they would have worn them. I’m sure that a thin denier tight is, er, an ideal garment for medieval combat, offering as it does no protection whatsoever to the human leg. But … of course the other major inaccuracy of that film was that in the Middle Ages there was no such country as Scotland. Scotland was actually invented, as you all know, in 1911, by the McGowan sweet company as a way of marketing Highland toffee. Because of course, traditionally, we think toffee’s better if it’s manufactured at a high altitude. But again, I was making a number of kind of crass generalisations about, about the Scots, about my country there. And I don’t, I don’t believe any of them. Again, I did it for comic effect. But you do meet people who have very fixed notions about other groups of people. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. I got in, er, a cab in, in London in December, and about five minutes into the journey, a propos of nothing, early on a Sunday morning, the cab driver turned round to me and he said, ‘I think all homosexuals should be killed.’ Now, whatever you think of that, Glasgow, as a statement, you have to admit it’s a bold opening conversational gambit. You know, with a stranger. And I was a bit taken aback. I went, ‘Oh, why do you think that?’ And then there was a pause, ’cause he’d obviously never had to go to the next level of the argument, fraternising mainly with cab drivers, so … where that was just accepted as a point. No … And he said, ‘Well …’ after a moment, he said, ‘Well, because homosexuality is immoral.’ And I said – this is honestly true – I said, ‘Um, I’m not sure how much weight you can afford to place on the notion of morality in this argument, because morality’s not a fixed thing. It changes its parameters, culturally, historically, over time.’ I said, ‘For example, look at ancient Greece. To this day, we still take most of our most fundamental principles about ethics, aesthetics, er, philosophy, medicine, science, whatever from ancient Greece. And yet’, I said, ‘in ancient Greece, love between two men, far from being immoral, was actually considered the highest, most ethical, most profound, if you will, most moral form of love that there could be. So all I’m saying’, I said to him, ‘is I’m not sure how useful morality is, given its flexible nature, as a cornerstone of your argument on this subject.’ And then he said to me – this is honestly true – he said to me, ‘Well, you can prove anything with facts, can’t you?’ For a minute, I went, ‘Yeah.’ And then I thought, ‘Hang on! That’s the most fantastic way of winning an argument I’ve ever heard! “You can … I’m not interested in facts. I find they tend to cloud my judgement. I prefer to rely on instinct and blind prejudice.”’ And I came of age, for want of a better phrase, in the, in the nineteen-eighties when we had political correctness. And people look back at that and they go, ‘Oh, political correctness was shit, wasn’t it? Being fair to people.’ And I think, ‘Maybe it was good, ’cause people wouldn’t have said that, and you wouldn’t have had happen what happened in May last year, right.’ If you remember, er, Ron Atkinson, the football manager, he got in trouble for calling a black footballer a lazy, thick nigger. Right? And loads of people complained about it, understandably. And then on May the 17th, Jimmy Hill, the BBC-employed football commentator, came out in Ron Atkinson’s defence. And he said that, in his opinion, it was a load of fuss about nothing. He said, ‘What you have to understand’, Jimmy Hill said in the papers, 17th of May, ‘is that in the culture of football, calling a black man a nigger is just a bit of harmless fun.’ And I thought, ‘Call me old-fashioned … I mean, I know the culture of football has a very broad definition of harmless fun, broad enough to include carrying out a racial assault and still getting in the England team, er, gang-raping a teenage girl in a London hotel room, and yet perversely allowing Jimmy Hill to carry on living. But surely that can’t be the case.’ But Jimmy Hill went on to qualify his statement. He said that in his opinion, calling a black man a nigger was no more offensive than calling him, Jimmy Hill, ‘Chinny’, because he had a big chin. And again, I read that and I thought, ‘Call me a square from the past, but surely the word “nigger” is more offensive than the word “chinny”?’ Because the word ‘nigger’ comes with a whole weight of cultural and historical significance that is not really there for the word ‘chinny’. You know, there are not, um, there are not people standing for election now on the grounds that ‘People with big chins should be sent back to wherever they come from – Chinland probably, I don’t know, I haven’t done any research into it, obviously.’ And there were not vast swathes of humanity historically enslaved on the grounds that they had big chins. If there had been, all popular culture as we know it would be entirely different. There would not be a blues root underpinning all the late-twentieth-century popular music that you love if the Mississippi delta had been populated exclusively by disenfranchised ex-slaves with big chins … ‘Woke up this morning, Got a big chin. It’s not that much of a problem to be honest. I won’t base an entire musical genre on it.’ And you don’t hear news reports saying, ‘A man was beaten to death in Hull last night. The violence is thought to be chin-motivated.’ Although in Jimmy Hill’s case I’d be happy to see an exception made. Kill him! Kill Jimmy Hill! But kill him in an ironic way! Break into the Natural History Museum, steal the jawbone of a blue whale, the largest chin currently known to science, and beat Jimmy Hill to death with it, in an example of what sociologists are already calling chin-on-chin violence. But we shouldn’t be surprised, Glasgow, to find out that Jimmy Hill is evil and mad, right, because all people that are involved in the business of football or play football or go and support it or watch it on television, or even know anything about it, are filthy, reactionary scum, right. Er … Take Gary Lineker for example, right. Gary Lineker is a twisted, evil man. You’re going, ‘No, he isn’t, Stew. He’s nice. He’s like a velvet owl.’ He isn’t, right? Gary Lineker is evil. Gary Lineker chooses to advertise crisps, right, and with the benefit of early-twenty-first-century super-science, we now know that crisps, rather than being a life-giving health food as we previously thought, make little children fat, and then they die. Right? Now, about six years ago, due to a tragic chain of events, I didn’t live anywhere for about four months. I had to sleep on the floor of an office in West London. And I ate mainly … I couldn’t cook anything, so I ate mainly crisps from the garage. And during that period, I put on about four stone. And someone said to me, ‘Do you not know that a single packet of crisps contains your full daily allowance of saturated fats?’ And I just thought that represented good value. It was Gary Lineker looking out for me. I trusted his velvet-owl face to look after me. And … But he chooses to advertise crisps. Why does Gary Lineker advertise crisps? He can’t need the money. He’s on television all the time, isn’t he, amusing us. His family run a fresh fruit and vegetable stand in Leicester market, Lineker’s Fresh Fruit and Veg. He could advertise that. He could help save human lives. But instead he chooses to advertise crisps. Why does Gary Lineker advertise crisps? It can only be that Gary Lineker is sexually aroused by the idea of obese children dying. Now … There’s one person clapping over there. Of course, remember, for a comedian, the only thing worse than no one clapping is the sound of one person clapping, ’cause it suggests you’re out on a kind of a limb. But to try and find out more about people who like football, I went on your internet, on your World Wide Web. And um … I went on Jimmy Hill’s website, which is real. It’s called, er, jimmyhill.co.uk, and there’s a guestbook there where you the public, that’s you, can leave your opinions. And, er, a bloke called Scott had been on it. Um. And um … I’m not allowed to read out what his actual email address is, but if you go there, you can find it. Erm, so, you know, do that. Anyway, he said … um, Scott says, in the guestbook of Jimmy Hill’s website, he says, ‘I agree with Jimmy’s views that Britain is rapidly becoming no more a land which is populated by genuine British people born here. Please don’t get me wrong,’ writes Scott, ‘I am no Nazi or xenophobe as the pressure groups or government would have you believe. I’m just someone who was born in this country and hates to see it going to pot now.’ And it would be easier to take Scott’s views seriously if he hadn’t spelt the word ‘xenophobe’ Z-E-N-A-P-H-O-B, which of course just means someone who has an irrational hatred of Japanese Buddhism. But it is easy, Glasgow, right, in the current climate of paranoia to make a kind of race-based error, right. I’ve done it myself. Er, I’ll tell you how it happened. I haven’t been doing this for a few years, and one of the jobs I’ve been doing is working as a kind of arts journalist, writing about stuff. And last year I was really excited, ’cause I, I got to interview Ang Lee, the Taiwanese film director, um, about the Incredible Hulk film that he’d directed. And I was really excited, ’cause I’ve read the Incredible Hulk comics since I was about, er, six years old and I still read them now. And I will take … To prove that, I will take any question on the Hulk from you now, to prove that. Any question … AUDIENCE MEMBER: What colour is he? What colour is he? Have you asked me that because you know that’s … there’s a more complicated answer, than you … AUDIENCE MEMBER: Er … no. No. OK, well … Bad luck, because he was, er … You want me to say he was green and everyone will go, ‘Aha, that’s funny.’ But actually, for the first, er, six issues of Astounding Stories in 1960 – there’s a man nodding there, with a T-shirt saying KILL EVERYONE NOW on it, the kind of person who knows these facts – um, for the first six issues, he was of course grey. Of course. Um … But because of the dot-printing thing, the colours all used to run together, so it came out a blur. So they made him green after the sixth issue. And he’s been green [sic] twice since then. Erm … once in a six-issue mini-series written by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale called Hulk: Gray. He was grey in that. That came out last … year before last. Available in hardback now. And um … he was also grey in the comic strip between about 1989 and ’94, when Peter David was writing it and he made him go in a nutrient bath and that made him grey. I’ve lost you now as well. I’ve beaten you. I’ve beaten you, with your KILL EVERYONE … No, you don’t claim to be an expert but you looked at me with a doubtful face, as if, ‘This is going to get him.’ But look, I know more about the Hulk than you, and I’m older than you. So! No, that’s fine. So, so I was really excited to, to interview Ang Lee about the Hulk, and um … ’cause he’d made the film. But, but when I interview, I try to make a little joke to put them at ease, you know. So I rang him up. He was in New York, I was in, er, London. And I said to him, ‘Ang Lee, you have directed the Hulk film. You must be very excited and proud. But don’t make me anglee. You wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee.’ Then there was a long, embarrassed pause. And then Ang Lee said, ‘I’m sorry, what did you say?’ And I said, ‘I said, Ang Lee … you have … you’ve directed the Hulk film. You must be very excited and proud. But, erm, don’t make me anglee. You wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee.’ And there was another kind of silence. And then Ang Lee said, ‘I’m sorry, can you repeat that?’ And I said, ‘There’s no need, it was just a stupid joke.’ And he went, ‘No. What did you say?’ And I said … ‘I said, Ang Lee, you’ve directed the Hulk film. You must be very excited and proud. But, erm, don’t make me anglee. You wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee.’ And he, he didn’t say anything. And I said, ‘I expect loads of people have made that joke to you.’ And he said, ‘No. No one’s ever said it before. Why did you say it? Why?’ And I said, ‘Well, Ang … You know the Hulk film?’ And he went, ‘Yeah.’ I said, ‘Well, in that, Bruce Banner – he’s the Hulk – he says, “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” And your name’s Ang Lee and you directed it. So I said, um, “Don’t make me anglee, you wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee,” um, because “Ang Lee” sounds a bit like “angry”.’ And Ang Lee said, ‘No, it doesn’t.’ And I said, ‘Come on, Ang, be fair. “Ang Lee” does sound a bit like “angry”.’ And Ang Lee said, ‘No, it doesn’t. “Ang Lee” is a completely different word to “anglee”.’ And I said, ‘I’m sorry. Can you repeat that?’ And Ang Lee said, ‘Yes. “Ang Lee” is a completely different word to “anglee”.’ And I said, ‘I don’t understand the point you’re trying to make, Ang Lee, because what I’m saying, if you listen, is that “angry” sounds a bit like “Ang Lee”, so if you swap them round, people can see there’s a slight change, there’s some sort of joke there. Ang Lee … what you’re saying is actually the same word as “anglee”. If you swap those two words round, no one would notice the difference. It wouldn’t work. But that’s not what you’re … What you appear to be saying is that “anglee” is a completely different word to “Ang Lee”, but it isn’t. They’re the same thing. I can’t understand … It’s very simple, the joke I made. I can’t understand how you’ve got into this kind of fix. I never …’ And then he went, ‘Oh, I get it,’ he said. ‘Is this a joke about me having a Taiwanese accent?’ And I was mortified. I went, ‘No, it never even occurred to me that you would think that. It’s just a simple thing about the words, the syllables “ry” and “lee”, sounding the same. My own surname is Lee, I’ve had thirty-six years of fun with that syllable. I know what I’m talking about. I can’t see why you would begin to think …’ And he went, ‘No! You’re anti-Taiwanese.’ And I went, ‘I’m not. I don’t even know where Taiwan is. I’ve got no interest in it.’ Which made it worse, to be honest. And then he got, he got like a lawyer on from Universal, and I had to … Shouting at me, saying I was anti-Taiwan … I had to get my editor on from the paper to stick up for me … We ended up having this kind of four-way argument. It went on for ages. He was going, ‘You’re anti-Taiwanese,’ he was saying. My editor was going, ‘No, he isn’t, he has no history of anti-Taiwaneseness at all.’ And there was, like, this thing. And then Ang Lee started shouting at me about it. And I went, ‘Well, I can’t see what your problem is. Why don’t you just listen to the joke? It’s obvious.’ And then in the end he went, ‘Don’t make me anglee, you wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee!’ And I said, ‘You’ve proved my point, you fucking Taiwanese idiot!’ He said, ‘Don’t call me that!’ He got another bloke, an adviser. I had to get someone else on, the publisher. There’s like a six-way, two-hour debate going on. In the end, we argued for so long that Ang Lee missed his 2.30 dentist’s appointment. That’s the time he goes to the dentist, Glasgow! Don’t let him tell you any different. He doesn’t even need to write it down. They offer him an appointment card, he rejects it. He says, ‘I’ll remember it by thinking about my own pain.’ I’m going to shout out some questions now. I need you to answer loudly to them. The answer to most of them is yes. OK, one, two, three. Who likes alcohol?
AUDIENCE: Yes! Louder! Who likes sweets? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes cream cakes? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes their favourite food, whatever it is? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Ben Elton? Oh, it’s no one. OK, here’s another one. Who likes, er, who likes, er, The Simpsons? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Spider-Man? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes their favourite fictional character from their own childhood? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes their own beloved mother? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Ben Elton? Oh, it’s no one again. OK, here’s another one. Who likes snowflakes? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes sunshine? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes the universal concept of eternal peace and happiness? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Osama bin Laden? Yeah! Who likes Ben Elton? Oh, it’s no one again. It’s fucking weird, it’s weird. That is weird, ’cause I must have done that thirty or forty times, right, and every time, without any element of manipulation, more people like Osama bin Laden, a multiple murderer, than Ben Elton. I think why, why would more people like Osama bin Laden than Ben Elton? And I think it’s ’cause when you compare the two of them, compared to Ben Elton, Osama bin Laden has at least lived his life to a consistent set of ethical principles. ’Cause … Yeah, clap, let him hear you. So, er … ’Cause people hate Ben Elton, and every now and again a journalist has the courage to ask him why this is. I’ve seen it happen twice in print and once on Parkinson. Parkinson said to him, he said to Ben Elton, ‘Ben Elton, why do you think everyone hates you?’ And Ben Elton said – he did – and Ben Elton said, ‘Well, Michael, it’s ’cause in this country, people don’t like success.’ But he was wrong about that. The real answer is much more simple. It’s just that in this country, people don’t like Ben Elton. And they don’t hate him through the kind of conduit of the notion of success. They hate him entirely on his own terms, because of who he is and the bad things that he’s done. And I think if you’re my age, you can kind of understand why it is. ’Cause if you’re, if you’re over thirty-five, you’ll remember before Alternative Comedy, when you’d watch comedians, and it had no kind of relevance to you and you didn’t understand what they were talking about and who they were. And then The Young Ones came along, and all that, with Ben Elton, and you thought, ‘At last, something for us.’ Then, of course, over the years, Ben Elton’s changed. He’s worked with Queen, who were one of the British bands that broke the, er, cultural embargo on South Africa under apartheid. He’s worked with Andrew Lloyd Webber, who’s worse than that. And, er … And a song that they co-wrote was performed at the inauguration of George Bush. And when questioned about it, Ben Elton said he didn’t see it so much as a celebration of George Bush as a celebration of the President of the United States of America. But of course, they’re the same thing. That’s why that argument doesn’t work. But the problem is he’s kind of been compromised by proximity to, to success. And, and if you think about it, all the great comedians are kind of outsider figures, commenting on society from outside. Kind of holy fools, shaman clowns, outsiders. Spike Milligan was able to remain an outsider by virtue of having long-term mental-illness problems. Um … Bill Hicks has been able to remain an outsider because he died of cancer at the age of thirty-two. Michael Barrymore has been able to remain an outsider by becoming the subject of a murder investigation after a man was found dead in his pool. I admire Barrymore’s commitment to this abstract notion of the outsider shaman-clown figure. And I think it’s good … I think it’s great to be on this late at night in Glasgow talking about this idea. But um … But lately I have more sympathy for what we in the trade call Elton’s compromise. And … ’Cause … In the last few years I, I directed a, a show and it was, it was kind of a hit in the West End. And I had to meet loads of famous people on, on press nights and, um, and opening nights. I met, er, Bonnie Langford. Yeah. I met her twice. I met, er, the tall one from the Three Degrees, Sheila … something, her name is. And one night, I found myself shaking hands before I realised who it was, with Michael Portillo, right? I looked up. I thought it was the little wooden goblin from the Cuprinol advert. But it was Michael Portillo, someone whose policies I had marched against as a student, or would have done if I hadn’t been drunk. But theoretically … There was worse to come than Portillo. On June the 16th last year, I heard a rumour that Cherie Blair was going to come and see the show, right? And I thought, ‘Well, I hope that’s not the case.’ You know, I don’t want to have to meet her. ’Cause I’m one of two million Britons that marched against her husband’s war. I think it’s unethical. I think it’s going to come back and bite us in the arse and we’ll be in trouble about it for decades, once the dust settles. And I, I don’t want to have to be like some E-list celebrity New Labour apologist. I don’t want to meet her, no way.
And then the next day, the woman from the public-relations company for the show rang me up. And she said, ‘I’ve got some great news, Cherie Blair is coming to see the show, and she wants to meet the cast and the creative team afterwards.’ And I went, ‘I’m sorry. I can’t do it. I’ve got … This is where I draw a line. You know. You d–,’ I said. ‘You don’t even want me in the building. If I’m there, I’m going to get kind of political Tourette’s syndrome and just do something like fly an anti-war banner off the stage, or make a speech at the end, or just do something to Cherie Blair that’ll wipe that … whatever that is … on her face. You know, make it go.’ And she said, ‘Well, that’s a shame, because … Does this change your mind?’ she said. ‘She’s not coming on her own. She’s coming with her guest, who is the president of Scope, the Spastics Society.’ Right, and this honestly happened. I was put in this weird position where you want to make some ineffectual gesture against Cherie Blair, but you don’t want to snub a person from a worthwhile charity, Scope. You know, so … I thought, ‘Well, I know what I’ll do. I’ll go down, and after the show I’ll say to Cherie Blair, “I hope you’re happy, Cherie. I hope when you look across at Tony every morning, you think of all those thousands of people killed in his war, and I hope you’re happy when you think of all those little kids in Baghdad and Basra with their arms and legs blown off, maimed, crippled for life.” Then I’ll turn to the woman from Scope, and I’ll go, “Maybe you can have a rummage around in one of your charity shops. See if you can find them some cardigans.”’ But in the end, I didn’t do that. What I did was, I said that I would go, and then I just didn’t. Yeah. But … We’re back talking about the war again. Last, last bit. And er … Like I say, there’s this kind of assumption I think from us here in Europe, where we look at, particularly in Britain, where we look at America’s hysterical reaction to the 9th of November, and we think, ‘Well, you know, that wouldn’t happen here. We wouldn’t do that, ’cause we’re reasonable, sensible people here in Britain.’ But we don’t have to look very far back in our own cultural history to see an example of us losing the plot as a, as a nation. And I’m talking of course about the death of Princess Diana, the late Princess of Wales. It was in the news again last summer because of the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, which you’ll remember was a rubbish fountain. And fulfilled very few of the job-description criteria of fountains. But it’s ongoing, it’s ongoing. The story never goes away. I remember when she died, um, ’cause about two days before the state funeral, I went down to Kensington Palace where Princess Diana had lived to, to look at all the tributes left outside, you know. And in amongst all the bunches of flowers and sympathy cards, and poems little kids had written, and drawings and paintings people had done, whatever … in amongst all that, I honestly saw, and this is true, I saw a life-size inflatable model of E.T. It was honestly there, outside Kensington Palace, two days before the state funeral. And I stood there looking at the inflatable E.T. for some forty or fifty minutes. And I thought to myself, ‘How did that get there? Who would have thought that that was an appropriate gesture?’ And I imagined a household somewhere on that awful autumn Sunday morning, where perhaps the wife had woken up first, and she’d watched the news and she went through to her still-sleeping husband, and she said … ‘Please. Please wake u– … I need you to wake up and be with me now. There’s been a t– … Some terrible news. I need you to get up, come in the front room and watch it on the television with me, ’cause I can’t be alone. So please wake up.’ But you know, he’s asleep, he’s asleep. He’s going … [lying down, as though half-awake] ‘What? It’s fucking … It’s half past six on a Sunday morning. I am asleep. I know I’m speaking but I am asleep. I don’t want to get up. I’m asleep. So … just … I know you’re upset but just say what it is. What is it?’ And she’d have gone … [stands up] ‘Please. If you … If you love me, just this one time, just get up. And … Because it’s an awful thing and I need … I can’t be alone. I need someone to comfort me and share. Just … please. Get up.’ [lying down] And he’d have gone … ‘Look, I was out late last night. I’ve got, I’ve got work at seven … tomorrow. This is my … this is my one day for sleeping in. I don’t want to get up till about half past eleven, to be honest. And even then I’m not going to get dressed. I’m just going to be, like, in my pants and stuff, just sitting around. I kind of … I don’t know what you … If you were just to say what it is … You know … What is it?’ [stands up] She’d have gone … ‘Princess Diana, Lady Di, has … she … has been killed.’ [lying down] And he’d have gone … ‘No! [pounding fist on floor] Not the Queen of Hearts! The Rose of England … and Scotland, and Wales, and bits of Ireland, no! How did it … There’s no God! How did it … why? How did it happen?’ [standing up] And she’d have gone … ‘It was in a car crash in Paris last night. They don’t know the exact details yet. But she’s dead.’ So presumably at that point, he’d have got up, got out of bed, tried to get dressed, you know, get some kind of grip on his emotions and his feelings. Calm down his grief. And then he’d have said … ‘I’d better go out and get a life-size inflatable model of E.T. You know, for the gates of her home.’ And his wife would have said … ‘Yes. But you’d better hurry, ’cause there’ll be a rush on those now. We don’t want to be the only people not putting one there.’
And I was talking about this onstage in Croydon at the time it happened, and a bloke shouted out, ‘I was there! And I saw that! And it wasn’t a life-size inflatable model of E.T., it was a life-size inflatable model of ALF!’ I didn’t even know what an ALF was, I had to ask him. He said, ‘Oh, it’s an American kids’ TV thing. It’s an alien – A-L-F, Alien Life Form. It’s like a cross between a pig and an aardvark, from space. And it sometimes wears a nappy, and it says kind of wise-ass things.’ And he said he’d seen one of those there. I didn’t see an ALF outside Kensington Palace, before the … And I’m not saying there wasn’t one there, maybe there was at some stage. But by the time I arrived, it had got covered up under flowers or carried away on a river of infants’ tears. I don’t know, I didn’t see it. It never goes away, it’s back in the news now, the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. Last year, people went, ‘Oh, it’s great, it’s, it’s what she would have wanted. It’s a place where families can hang out, children can play. It’s what Princess Diana would have wanted.’ It isn’t. What Princess Diana would have wanted would have been to have not been killed. And then in death, not to have become the unwitting receptacle of the hysterical, overemotional, shrieking grief of twats. That’s what she would have wanted. It didn’t even work! It didn’t even work, Glasgow! Children were supposed to be able to play in it. They kept falling over, breaking their arms and legs. They made it out of slate, or sheets of ice, or something. They were getting dogshit-eye-blindness disease from the water. In the end, they had to close it down, fence it off, put warning signs on it like a decommissioned Chernobyl nuclear reactor. ‘Don’t go near the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain! It’s dangerous! Don’t even look at it! You’ll get cancer and die! Run away!’ But it’s ridiculous. There should be a memorial to her, there should be a memorial to her, because she did some amazing things. She worked, worked with charity and landmines. And she got one GCSE in domestic science. And to achieve that, and only that, when born into such a position of privilege and wealth, requires a steely determination of focus. You’ve got to know from an early age that you want to achieve next to nothing, and work hard at it, when all the odds are in your favour. And that’s why there should be a memorial to her, the People’s Princess, right. That’s why I’m going to make my own, I’m going to make my own memorial fountain to the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. It’s going to be called the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain Memorial Fountain Fountain. But it’s not going to be some state-approved, Viscount Althorp-subsidised architectural carbuncle. It’s going to be simple, like she would have wanted. It’s going to be me, lying on my back in Hyde Park, near the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, naked, with a colander over my penis. Every hour, on the hour, I’ll piss up through that. Children can come and play in it if they want, families can gather round, I don’t mind. You can do it yourselves, Glasgow, do it yourselves. You don’t even need a colander. That’s gilding the lily, to be honest. Just do a piss anywhere you want. In the street, in your house, in a library, in an antenatal unit, in the face of a treasured family pet or an elderly relative. And if a policeman says to you, ‘What are you doing? What on earth do you think you’re doing … madam?’ just say, ‘I’m paying tribute in the only way I understand to the memory of Princess Diana, Princess of Wales.’ I’ve been Stewart Lee. Thanks a lot for bearing with us tonight, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Now go. Exit music: ‘Queen of the World’ by Lloyd and Claudette. | So, on September the 11th, 2001 … I was actually on holiday, right. That seems distasteful now. But I wasn’t to know at the time. You know, I didn’t plan it. The holiday, I mean, not the attacks. And I was actually in the city of Granada in southern Spain, right. It’s an interesting place. Granada was kind of the last point of Muslim occupation in medieval Europe. It’s still a very mixed city – lots of mosques, lots of churches, lots of Arab Spaniards and white European Spaniards, all getting on fine. And I was walking around there on nine-one-one – the 9th of November, reclaim the calendar, we invented those dates – I was walking around there on the 9th of November, nine-one-one, and I went into, er, a little Spanish bar. And on television there was all this film of buildings on fire, and things falling down, and people running and screaming. And I said to the barman, ‘Where’s that?’ – in Spanish, ‘¿Dónde está?’ And he said, ‘Nuevo Yorica.’ And I thought, ‘Oh, it’s in Colombia or somewhere, it doesn’t matter.’ And then I watched for a bit longer, Glasgow, and I realised that it was New York, where English-speaking people live, and therefore a terrible newsworthy tragedy. And I don’t know if you remember, do you remember the planes, flying into the, yeah, the World Trade …? ’Cause we got that on the news in London, I don’t know if you had it here. And … I don’t want to make any assumptions, you know … Um … So I was watching that in this, this Spanish bar. And then George Bush came on the television news, and he said, ‘We are gonna get them folks what done this.’ And that annoyed me for two reasons. One, because it was grammatically inaccurate. And secondly, ’cause you could already see the terrible kind of cultural fallout of what this was going to mean. There was suddenly a horrible tension between the Arab Spaniards and the white European Spaniards in this previously happy bar. And after a while, I, I couldn’t stand the tension any more, so I went into the Gents to do a wee, and, er … A couple of people over there sniggered at the word ‘wee’. That’s fine, I know this is a tense subject to open with and I’m, I’m happy that the word ‘wee’ has helped defuse the atmosphere a bit. So … So I was standing there in this Spanish bar on the 9th of November doing a wee … out of my cock … and … and it was yellow … and smelt of wee. And while I was doing it, this thing happened that happens when you get a bit older, where, when you kind of release the pressure on the front sphincter, the, the, the back sphincter kind of loosens off of its own accord, you know. While I was there, this Arab guy came, and he, and he, and he stood next to me but I didn’t make eye contact with him, ’cause I was embarrassed, er, about the wee. And world news events. But, you know, while I was there, ’cause I was a bit older the, the, the front sphincter slackened off, the back sphincter went of its own accord. And suddenly, a little fart came out, right. But it was only a really tiny fart, like the kind of fart a vole might do. Or Anna Friel. It was a fart that smelt mainly of hair and was comprised principally of ideas. But it was a fart nonetheless. And the Arab guy, he, he heard the fart. And he looked across at me. And I looked back at him. And he laughed. And then I laughed. And I realised everything was going to be OK. And then I went back into the bar. By now the situation was even worse, even more tense. The room had kind of split along racial, religious lines. There was a horrible tension in the room. And then suddenly Co-lin – Colin – Powell went on the television – we invented those names, his name’s not … he’s not Co-lin the Barbarian, his name’s Colin, he should be running a photocopier repair workshop – Colin Powell went on television on the 9th of November, Spanish bar, and he said, ‘We are gonna launch a crusade against them folks what done this.’ And being in a largely Muslim town, full of murals of crusaders cutting the heads off Muslims, you realise what an inappropriate word ‘crusade’ was to use on the 9th of November. It went down really badly. And as a, a world statesman, Colin Powell should be aware of how words change their meaning, culturally. Saying ‘crusade’ on the 9th of November, it’s a bit like if I were to get a job as a maths teacher, teaching maths in a German town somewhere near Belsen. And I was to say to the kids, ‘I’m going to set you a maths problem. I want you to work through it, and on the last page, fill in your final solution.’ You know, it would be received badly. And as a world leader, Colin Powell should be aware of these kinds of cultural shifts in language. But he said ‘crusade’ and it went down really badly with everyone in the room, so there was an even worse atmosphere than before. And then the Arab guy that I’d had my kind of moment of epiphany, of kind of human trust with in the toilets, he was standing just in front of me. And he looked across at me with these eyes full of hope, as if to go, ‘What are we going to do?’ And I didn’t know what to do. I mean, I couldn’t just do another fart at will. You know, I’m not a nineteenth-century French music-hall entertainer. I’m the opposite of that. In four main ways … there isn’t time to go into now. But … But someone went, ‘Aw,’ disappointed there. If you seek me out afterwards, I’ll clarify the exact position. But I knew I had to do something, so … It was my moment. So what I did was, I just kind of lifted my leg up like that. And I sort of acted it out. I went, ‘Ugh, fuck, smell, ugh, horrible!’ And he laughed. And the guys he was with laughed. Gradually the laughter spread all around the room. There was a critic from the Independent at the back not laughing. But he didn’t really get what I was doing, you know. It was a kind of mixture of the sacred and the profane, it just went over his head. But eventually everyone in the room was laughing. And I realised that with that one inane, puerile, scatological gesture I had achieved more for world peace than any politician had all day. ’Cause farts are funny, Glasgow, right? That is the international baseline of all humour, farts, right. And you can be as sophisticated as you like, Glasgow, but at the end of the day you have to admit farts are funny. And you go, ‘No, we don’t actually agree with you, Stew. I saw a hilarious, satirical cartoon in the New Statesman at the weekend, satirising EU farming policies, it was hilarious.’ Was it? Was it as funny as a fart? No, it wasn’t. ‘But I saw Ian Hislop on television at the weekend, Stew, satirising the government, with his voice going up at the start of the sentence and going down at the end. It was hilarious.’ Was it? Was it as funny as some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse? No, it wasn’t. And nothing Ian Hislop ever says or does or secretly imagines will be as funny as that. And I ran this show in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, right, in August and, um, every year in Edinburgh they have a prize for comedy, right, organised by Perrier – the Perrier Awards. Perrier of course owned by Nestlé, Nestlé top of the World Health Organisation list of unethical companies. It suggested that their milk-marketing policies contribute to the death of 1.5 million children every year. So every time you laugh at a Perrier-nominated act, a little baby dies. Bear that in mind. And every year in Edinburgh, they always give that award to comedy to a human being speaking about some stuff. But if they had any integrity, they would give the Perrier Award to the genuinely funniest thing that’s going to happen in Edinburgh all August, which is just going to be an old Scottish tramp doing a fart in a wood. But, Glasgow, if a tramp farts in a forest and no one hears it, is it still funny? Yes, it is. ’Cause it’s some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse. And if the Perrier had any integrity, which they don’t, they would give that Perrier award to comedy to a fart. And if Channel 4 had any integrity, which they don’t, they would sign up that fart for its own twelve-part Channel 4 comedy series deal. Some laughs, some doubt in the room. People going, ‘We’re kind of with you theoretically. We understand this is some kind of satire of something. But how would that actually work, Stew? An invisible cloud of shit-smelling gas with its own Channel 4 series?’ I don’t know, Glasgow, I don’t know. But what I say to you is, could an invisible cloud of shit-smelling gas with its own Channel 4 series be any less funny than The Friday Night Project? So the day after the 9th of November – which is the 9th of December, nine-one-two. Do the math … s … I flew back from Spain to Heathrow Airport. I got a minicab from Heathrow Airport to Stoke Newington, Hackney, north-east London, where I live. And on the way, I had to go past the Finsbury Park mosque, which you’ll know if you read the news is the kind of hotbed of Muslim radicalism in Britain, run by Abu Hamza until recently. That’s the guy who has an eye patch and hooks for hands. An eye patch and hooks for hands. That’s not a good look for a religious leader. It’s a good look maybe if you’re considering auditioning for extra work in the sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean. But it’s not a good look for a religious leader. The Archbishop of Canterbury does not have an eye patch and hooks for his hands. He has a big festive Christmas beard in which robins might nest. And that helps us to take his pronouncements on the ethics of the family and modern society more sympathetically than we would if he had hooks for his hands. We’d be suspicious. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Only one hook! No, a woman there saying it’s only one hook. I think that it’s hooks for hands, I think he’s got two. But of course luckily the element of doubt’s been introduced here. Umm … I’m able to go away and check that. Er, if it’s factually inaccurate, I can remove it from this video … [male audience member heckles unintelligibly] … as I can everything you’ve said. So it’ll just look like a sixty-minute stream of uninterrupted success. Although, ironically, I may consider leaving this part in to give the illusion of it being a genuine event. What do you think of that, viewers at home? This is simultaneously dishonest, and yet also satisfying. But Abu Hamza of course, he’s in Belmarsh at the moment. He’s in the process of being deported to America, where he is guaranteed a fair trial. Irony there. One of the many comic tools we’ll be using tonight. So. So I was driving past the Finsbury Park mosque on the, er, 9th of December, the day after the 9th of November, and it was all kicking off outside. There’s Muslim demonstrators on one side of the street complaining about the reprisals they’ve suffered, police in the middle trying to keep order. And on the other side of the Seven Sisters Road, British National Party members standing near the Arsenal shop, their spiritual home. And they’re shouting out, ‘SEND THEM BACK! SEND THE MUSLIMS BACK TO WHERE THEY CAME FROM! BRADFORD, WOOD GREEN, LEEDS, LIVERPOOL, MANCHESTER, BIRMINGHAM AND OTHER BRITISH INDUSTRIAL CITIES WHICH REQUIRED CHEAP LABOUR IN THE NINETEEN-SIXTIES AND SEVENTIES.’ And it looked, Glasgow, like there was going to be a full-scale religious race riot. And so I said to the minicab driver, ‘Stop. Let me out. I can help here.’ And I got out the minicab. I pushed through the British National Party blokes. I pushed through the police line. I pushed through the Muslim demonstrators. I ran into the mosque, some guy tried to get me to take my shoes off, I don’t know what that was about, there wasn’t time, I carried on through. It was a nice, hospitable gesture, but it was ill-timed. And I ran up the prayer tower to the minaret, where the call to prayer is broadcast out to the faithful of North London, and I snatched the little microphone out of the stand there, and I pulled down my underpants and I shoved it up my anus. And with a concerted effort of mental and physical willpower, I farted into it. But on that occasion, it didn’t really help. In fact, some eyewitnesses to the ensuing carnage were subsequently to suggest that it may have made the situation worse. And my heartfelt message of peace and goodwill to all men was misunderstood. Although I take some comfort in the fact that a similar thing often happened to Jesus. I’m not saying I am Jesus. That’s for you to think about at home. But if I was Him, this is the kind of place I would come, isn’t it? A simple, humble place. Not the Glasgow Empire, I’d come here. But I’m not saying I am Jesus. Not in the current climate. Erm … But I think there’s a kind of European smugness where we look at America’s hysterical overreaction to the events of the 9th of November and we go, ‘Thanks for that, America, thanks. You’ve set us off on a course of the destruction of world civilisation as we know it. Thanks for that. Thanks.’ But you mustn’t hate the Americans, right? America is currently the most hated country in the world. Americans don’t know that. They don’t read, or watch news. If they did, they would be unhappy. Osama bin Laden flew planes into the World Trade Center, it was a waste of time. If he’d really wanted to hit America hard, where it hurts, he should have carpet-bombed the country with a weapon that Americans would never be able to understand – world geography examination papers. Shops which don’t have the word ‘barn’ in their name. And the metaphysical concept of shame. But you mustn’t hate the Americans. Don’t hate them, Glasgow. Americans live in a kind of state of ignorant, prelapsarian bliss. They don’t know what’s going on. And because of that, it can be very relaxing to go to America and watch them. If you go to America and look at Americans in their natural habitat – er, the theme park, the shopping mall, the race riot, the high-school massacre – and you watch them walking around, looking at colours and shapes … and lights … and words … sometimes imagining what the words might mean … It’s very relaxing, Glasgow. It’s like watching carp in a pond in a stately home, er, their mouths opening and closing. It’s charming. But you mustn’t hate the Americans. They’re not a naturally curious people. Most Americans do not own passports. They’re not a naturally curious people. If you were to lock an American for sixty years in an empty underground bunker which contained nothing but a woolly tea cosy, the American would not even be curious enough to be tempted to see if the tea cosy would make a serviceable hat. They’re far more likely to arrest the tea cosy, intern it illegally in Guantanamo Bay, and then repeatedly anally rape it until such time that it admits that it was actually a member of an al-Qaeda training cell. Even though at the time of the alleged offence the tea cosy was actually working as a shop assistant in a branch of Currys in Wolverhampton. Some laughs there, other people are a bit confused. ‘What’s he talking about?’ Right? OK, well, again, that’s a kind of bit of satire of the fact that some of the British citizens held in Guantanamo Bay were tortured into saying that they’d been in al-Qaeda camps, even though at the time they were supposed to be there, they were actually working as shop assistants in a branch of Currys in Wolverhampton. Other people I sense are going, ‘Yeah, we know about that. That’s not what’s confusing us. What’s confusing us here in Glasgow is the idea of a tea cosy working as a shop assistant in a branch of Currys. How could that possibly work?’ And again, Glasgow, I say to you, I don’t know, I don’t know how that would work. But what I say to you is, could a tea cosy working as a shop assistant in a branch of Currys actually be any less effective than some of the people currently employed there? ‘Hello. I don’t know if you can help me. I’m interested in buying one of those iPods.’ ‘I’m sorry, sir. I won’t be able to help you, on account of the fact that I am fashioned entirely from colourful wool. Perhaps you’d like to ask one of my colleagues – the cardigan, the mitten, the balaclava helmet.’ And again, you’ll notice there a list of three things. Really they ought, comedically, to build. But the balaclava helmet was a disappointment. It didn’t get the laugh one would be hoping for there. Umm … And I knew that was going to happen, right, ’cause like I say, I ran this show in Edinburgh for a month last August. And I thought – I’ll be honest with you, Glasgow – I thought the balaclava helmet was going to get a big laugh. Ironically, I’ve been touring this. The only place the balaclava helmet did get a big laugh was in Aldershot, which is a military town, so they probably have a different relationship with it. But on the whole, people don’t find it funny. Now I was confused, because for me, the balaclava helmet is one of those inherently absurd items. I thought it would be a good topper there, but it never works. So the first kind of week of the run, the month run, I kept swapping the order around, I was going, ‘Perhaps you’d like to talk to one of my colleagues, the balaclava helmet, mitten, cardigan. Cardigan, balaclava helmet, mitten,’ whatever. And after weeks, still nothing … It never got any laughs. Then, after about ten days, um, one of my friends in the audience, the Actor Kevin Eldon, who you may remember from Channel 4’s Packing Them In in the early nineties – the best, the best work he did. And erm … I said to him, ‘Why do you think that isn’t working?’ And he said, ‘Well, the problem is, all the items in your list are made of wool. And the tea cosy has already said to the customer that it won’t be able to help him on account of the fact that it is made of wool. So for the tea cosy to suggest to the customer that he seeks assistance from other exclusively woollen items, you know it simply adds insult to injury, it makes the situation worse.’ So I said, ‘Yeah, I’d never thought of that, you know. What shall I do?’ And he said, ‘Well, just think of three things that aren’t made of wool and you’ll be all right.’ And I thought, ‘Yeah, I will, right, but I won’t write them down. I’ll come out every night and I’ll just make them up. I’ll exist in the moment. I’ll trust it to chance. I’ll improvise like Eddie Izzard … pretends to do.’ And … no! And, when you’ve tried to do it, you realise why he doesn’t. It’s hard. It’s hard to do. It’s much easier to just go ‘er’ in every sentence and give the illusion of spontaneity. And so … So I came out … let it go, let it go! … so I came out the first night, I went, ‘Yeah, perhaps you’d like to talk to one of my colleagues.’ And I said, you know, ‘The stick, the wood.’ And then I said, ‘The toaster.’ And again, there was no laughs. I thought, ‘Why’s that?’ And I went home, and I thought, ‘Yeah, the problem is the toaster is an electrical item and people are thinking, “Is that working in Currys or is it for sale there?”’ Yeah, but I was chasing the problem down. Basically, I realised I needed three things that were neither electrical nor woollen. Right. But it’s quite hard to think of that. Sir, think of a thing. AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Weather vane. Weather vane. AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: The act of cunnilingus. Weather vane. The act of cunnilingus. And … AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: A banana. What? AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: A banana. A banana. Weather vane, the act of cunnilingus and a b– … Well, admittedly, those are, those are quite good. They’re not electrical nor wool. And weather vane, banana – good. The act of cunnilingus is particularly good ’cause that takes us into an area where actual concepts, not just things and objects, are working in a shop. It’s certainly … I was in Aspen, Colorado, two weeks ago, in America. You beat them hands down. Their first two suggestions were a scarf and a kettle. Woollen and electrical, straight … Although, to be fair, this wasn’t the part of the set they liked least, you know? After the nine-one-one opening, a lot of the American audience had been shaken off in, in Aspen. If anything, arguably the New York warm-ups were worse. But … It’s weird, ’cause, ’cause about two weeks into Edinburgh, some kid emailed me and he went, ‘You know that bit you do about people being so bored they wear tea cosies as hats?’ I went, ‘Yeah.’ He goes, ‘Um, there’s a Spike Milligan or a Billy Connolly joke like that,’ he said, ‘from 1972.’ So, basically, I must have kind of remembered that and copied it. So that bit, the first half of it is plagiarised and the second half doesn’t really work. But I was making a number of crass generalisations about Americans there. I don’t really believe any of them and I did it for comic effect. And I don’t understand how anyone can have a kind of generalised view about another nation or race. I certainly don’t, and I think it’s because I’m, I’m different to a lot of you. I’m not necessarily better, but I am … I’m different. And I’m better, let’s face it. But … But … And I think it’s because I feel a little bit kind of removed from your human society, ’cause I’m actually, I’m adopted, I’m an adopted man … so I’m suspicious of notions of identity or nationhood. For example, I grew up thinking that I was English, right, but about two years ago I found out – and this is true – I found out that my real father is Scottish, right, which of course means that I’m Scottish, ’cause, as you’ll know, Scottishness is passed on through the male genes. Like a disability. And, er … it … it overwhelms all female chromosomes. And that’s why there are no Scottish women, are there? There’s no Scottish women. There are men in kilts, but that’s just nature trying to find its own level. And if a Scottish man wants to breed, of course, you have to travel south of the border. Normally, you get as far as a major English railway station, get off the train, lie down in a gutter, drunk, and hope some pollen lands on you. And … and I can say that, remember, because I … technically, I am Scotch. Yeah, Scotch, yeah. Genetically, if not culturally. But I think that, even though I grew up thinking I was English, I think I always knew that I was one of you, you know. ’Cause I’d go into school, Monday mornings, and people’d go, ‘Did you see the sport at the weekend, Stew? The brilliant sport that all men must like, with England winning in it? It was good, wasn’t it?’ And I’d go, ‘No, in fact it filled me feelings of revulsion and disgust.’ Then they’d go to me, ‘What about the rich tapestry, the tableau of English culture and history? Do you take no pleasure in that?’ And I’d go, ‘No. In fact, the whole notion of English culture just makes me feel kind of mentally, physically and spiritually bereft.’ And they’d go, ‘What about the English language, the tongue of Shakespeare, Shelley, Blake? Churchill? Does that not stir some residual national pride in you?’ And I’d go, ‘No. In fact, whenever I hear an English accent, I have to be physically sick.’ And I would hear my own voice answering their question and I would start vomiting as I spoke. So I hated, as a child, I hated being English. And yet conversely, I always harboured secret cravings for shortbread, offal and heroin. (You seem to like that.) You know, deep-fried heroin if I could get it. With sauce [‘soss’]. Heroin supper, £2.95. But … So … I think I always knew, Glasgow … I can hardly believe this is happening … I think I always knew that I was a Scotch man. And so I always knew, and … But … But … So … I think I always knew, Glasgow … I can hardly believe this is happening … I think I always knew that I was a Scotch man. And so I always knew, and … But … AUDIENCE: Scottish! Yeah, Scottish. Thank you for correcting me, sorry. Er … you know … it was an error I made on purpose for comic effect. And I’m glad that there’s so little trust in me in the room that people are going, ‘He’s a fucking idiot! He doesn’t know … He’s insane! What’s he talking about? He hasn’t done the most basic research.’ But … No … Even despite that, I always knew that I was Scottish … In my heart, in my brave heart, I always knew that I was. OK, shout out if you’ve seen the film Braveheart. You’ve all seen it, shout out. AUDIENCE: Yes! OK, now you’ll know more than any other audience I’ve played in the last three weeks that Braveheart is the shittest film ever made, right? It was. It was directed by the reactionary Catholic bigot Mel Gibson, and it’s full of basic, fundamental historical errors which insult your race, and mine by association. Right? Here’s … Here’s just three off the top of my head. Firstly, William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero, he wasn’t some, you know, noble savage living in a mud hut, we all know that. He was a privileged, educated nobleman, right? Secondly, it’s not mentioned by Mel Gibson in the film, but there’s some evidence to suggest that he actually fought as a mercenary for the English as a teenager. That’s conveniently missed out. Thirdly, you know that French princess he’s supposed to have sex with? This French princess, in the film, you remember? And the implication is that he gets her pregnant and she marries Edward II of England, so it’s his kid. Now – she was a real historical figure, that French princess. But at the time of the death of William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero, she was only four years old. Now, Glasgow, I’m not saying that William Wallace, Brave heart, your national hero, didn’t have sex with her … You know … He probably did. But if he did – and he did, he definitely did, right – it would have been a far less romantic scene than the one enacted by Mel Gibson in the film Braveheart. It may have happened in a tent, but it would still have been not a romantic scene. Because that would have made William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero, a paedophile. A Scottish paedophile. The worst kind of paedophile that there is. Coming at you … through a bothy … with shortbread on its face … muttering unintelligible sexual threats in a frankly incomprehensible dialect. Another weird thing about that film is, you know in it, like, um … Fine, leave at this point. Er … It gets, it gets worse. A man leaving there to go away and think about the idea of a paedophile Braveheart in the privacy of a toilet cubicle. Another weird thing about that film is that in it, if you remember, like, er, Mel Gibson makes a big deal about the fact Edward II, the English prince, was gay, right, as if not only did he oppress the Scots, but he did it in a kind of gay way, which makes it worse. But … the irony is, again, it’s not mentioned in the film that William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero himself, was actually gay. And … No, he was, sir … And we know this from some information that’s come to light in the last couple of years. Firstly, about two years ago, they found a cache of love letters hidden in a nook at, er … at, er … Glamis Castle or somewhere. And the letters were exchanged between William Wallace and Robert the Bruce. And they were full of declarations – they were – they were full of declarations of love and details of their, of their sexual encounters, the very vigorous sexual encounters that they had. That’s one thing. Then, about a year ago, they found some, um, graffiti on, er, a wall … on an old Scottish wall, on the wall … on the wall of a broch, actually, which is… the Broch of Gurness, which is a real place in, er … the Orkneys. They found it there. And it said, um … The graffiti, which is real, it existed, it said, er … ‘I am a gay, signed William Wallace, “Braveheart”.’ And the ‘Braveheart’ bit was in inverted commas, so they knew that meant it was real. ’Cause it was like a fun nickname, you know, it was, like, real. So … Now … So, er … Wow, Braveheart, our national hero, was gay. And when – you know – when I was talking about this in Edinburgh in the summer, people were going, ‘Well, why didn’t we know about that, you know? Why …?’ And the reason is ’cause the graffiti and the letters were written in Gaelic, so it wasn’t translated. And people are going, ‘Well, why wasn’t it translated? That’s just the ancient language of our nation, of the Scots. Why wasn’t it translated?’ Well, it wasn’t. What Gaelic actually was, was a very kind of highly evolved form of medieval Scottish homosexual patois. And the clue’s in the name if you look at it, right. Gae-lich. That means ‘gae’ – homosexual, gay – and then ‘lich’ is language or tongue. So Gaelic is literally the language of gays. And … you know … I was booed off at the Assembly Rooms for saying this in Edinburgh. But it’s true. And I don’t think it’s … I think it’s really great that, that our national hero, er, William Wallace, was gay. Because Scotland’s always been a much more progressive, liberally minded kind of a nation that’s not afraid to show its feminine side. And I think that, um, compared to England, which is a very backward kind of bigoted place. And I think that it’s really good that as we enter the twenty-first century, one of your national folk heroes can embody a kind of progressive notion of sexual identity. I think that’s a really brilliant thing. And I wish that some of the English, er, folk heroes, like, er, King Alfred or, or Robin Hood or King Arthur had, had been gay. But … but they weren’t. And … it’s only William Wallace, Braveheart, the Scottish one, that definitely was gay. And of course another … AUDIENCE MEMBER: Robin Hood, surely. Sorry? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Robin Hood, surely. Someone, er, said that Robin Hood was, surely … AUDIENCE MEMBER: Men in tights. And someone there saying ‘Men in tights’. But of course the ‘men in tights’ addition to the Robin Hood legend was made in the nineteen-eighties by Mel Brooks. The, er, facility to make those kind of tights didn’t exist in medieval England. If it had have done, maybe they would have worn them. I’m sure that a thin denier tight is, er, an ideal garment for medieval combat, offering as it does no protection whatsoever to the human leg. But … of course the other major inaccuracy of that film was that in the Middle Ages there was no such country as Scotland. Scotland was actually invented, as you all know, in 1911, by the McGowan sweet company as a way of marketing Highland toffee. Because of course, traditionally, we think toffee’s better if it’s manufactured at a high altitude. But again, I was making a number of kind of crass generalisations about, about the Scots, about my country there. And I don’t, I don’t believe any of them. Again, I did it for comic effect. But you do meet people who have very fixed notions about other groups of people. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. I got in, er, a cab in, in London in December, and about five minutes into the journey, a propos of nothing, early on a Sunday morning, the cab driver turned round to me and he said, ‘I think all homosexuals should be killed.’ Now, whatever you think of that, Glasgow, as a statement, you have to admit it’s a bold opening conversational gambit. You know, with a stranger. And I was a bit taken aback. I went, ‘Oh, why do you think that?’ And then there was a pause, ’cause he’d obviously never had to go to the next level of the argument, fraternising mainly with cab drivers, so … where that was just accepted as a point. No … And he said, ‘Well …’ after a moment, he said, ‘Well, because homosexuality is immoral.’ And I said – this is honestly true – I said, ‘Um, I’m not sure how much weight you can afford to place on the notion of morality in this argument, because morality’s not a fixed thing. It changes its parameters, culturally, historically, over time.’ I said, ‘For example, look at ancient Greece. To this day, we still take most of our most fundamental principles about ethics, aesthetics, er, philosophy, medicine, science, whatever from ancient Greece. And yet’, I said, ‘in ancient Greece, love between two men, far from being immoral, was actually considered the highest, most ethical, most profound, if you will, most moral form of love that there could be. So all I’m saying’, I said to him, ‘is I’m not sure how useful morality is, given its flexible nature, as a cornerstone of your argument on this subject.’ And then he said to me – this is honestly true – he said to me, ‘Well, you can prove anything with facts, can’t you?’ For a minute, I went, ‘Yeah.’ And then I thought, ‘Hang on! That’s the most fantastic way of winning an argument I’ve ever heard! “You can … I’m not interested in facts. I find they tend to cloud my judgement. I prefer to rely on instinct and blind prejudice.”’ And I came of age, for want of a better phrase, in the, in the nineteen-eighties when we had political correctness. And people look back at that and they go, ‘Oh, political correctness was shit, wasn’t it? Being fair to people.’ And I think, ‘Maybe it was good, ’cause people wouldn’t have said that, and you wouldn’t have had happen what happened in May last year, right.’ If you remember, er, Ron Atkinson, the football manager, he got in trouble for calling a black footballer a lazy, thick nigger. Right? And loads of people complained about it, understandably. And then on May the 17th, Jimmy Hill, the BBC-employed football commentator, came out in Ron Atkinson’s defence. And he said that, in his opinion, it was a load of fuss about nothing. He said, ‘What you have to understand’, Jimmy Hill said in the papers, 17th of May, ‘is that in the culture of football, calling a black man a nigger is just a bit of harmless fun.’ And I thought, ‘Call me old-fashioned … I mean, I know the culture of football has a very broad definition of harmless fun, broad enough to include carrying out a racial assault and still getting in the England team, er, gang-raping a teenage girl in a London hotel room, and yet perversely allowing Jimmy Hill to carry on living. But surely that can’t be the case.’ But Jimmy Hill went on to qualify his statement. He said that in his opinion, calling a black man a nigger was no more offensive than calling him, Jimmy Hill, ‘Chinny’, because he had a big chin. And again, I read that and I thought, ‘Call me a square from the past, but surely the word “nigger” is more offensive than the word “chinny”?’ Because the word ‘nigger’ comes with a whole weight of cultural and historical significance that is not really there for the word ‘chinny’. You know, there are not, um, there are not people standing for election now on the grounds that ‘People with big chins should be sent back to wherever they come from – Chinland probably, I don’t know, I haven’t done any research into it, obviously.’ And there were not vast swathes of humanity historically enslaved on the grounds that they had big chins. If there had been, all popular culture as we know it would be entirely different. There would not be a blues root underpinning all the late-twentieth-century popular music that you love if the Mississippi delta had been populated exclusively by disenfranchised ex-slaves with big chins … ‘Woke up this morning, Got a big chin. It’s not that much of a problem to be honest. I won’t base an entire musical genre on it.’ And you don’t hear news reports saying, ‘A man was beaten to death in Hull last night. The violence is thought to be chin-motivated.’ Although in Jimmy Hill’s case I’d be happy to see an exception made. Kill him! Kill Jimmy Hill! But kill him in an ironic way! Break into the Natural History Museum, steal the jawbone of a blue whale, the largest chin currently known to science, and beat Jimmy Hill to death with it, in an example of what sociologists are already calling chin-on-chin violence. But we shouldn’t be surprised, Glasgow, to find out that Jimmy Hill is evil and mad, right, because all people that are involved in the business of football or play football or go and support it or watch it on television, or even know anything about it, are filthy, reactionary scum, right. Er … Take Gary Lineker for example, right. Gary Lineker is a twisted, evil man. You’re going, ‘No, he isn’t, Stew. He’s nice. He’s like a velvet owl.’ He isn’t, right? Gary Lineker is evil. Gary Lineker chooses to advertise crisps, right, and with the benefit of early-twenty-first-century super-science, we now know that crisps, rather than being a life-giving health food as we previously thought, make little children fat, and then they die. Right? Now, about six years ago, due to a tragic chain of events, I didn’t live anywhere for about four months. I had to sleep on the floor of an office in West London. And I ate mainly … I couldn’t cook anything, so I ate mainly crisps from the garage. And during that period, I put on about four stone. And someone said to me, ‘Do you not know that a single packet of crisps contains your full daily allowance of saturated fats?’ And I just thought that represented good value. It was Gary Lineker looking out for me. I trusted his velvet-owl face to look after me. And … But he chooses to advertise crisps. Why does Gary Lineker advertise crisps? He can’t need the money. He’s on television all the time, isn’t he, amusing us. His family run a fresh fruit and vegetable stand in Leicester market, Lineker’s Fresh Fruit and Veg. He could advertise that. He could help save human lives. But instead he chooses to advertise crisps. Why does Gary Lineker advertise crisps? It can only be that Gary Lineker is sexually aroused by the idea of obese children dying. Now … There’s one person clapping over there. Of course, remember, for a comedian, the only thing worse than no one clapping is the sound of one person clapping, ’cause it suggests you’re out on a kind of a limb. But to try and find out more about people who like football, I went on your internet, on your World Wide Web. And um … I went on Jimmy Hill’s website, which is real. It’s called, er, jimmyhill.co.uk, and there’s a guestbook there where you the public, that’s you, can leave your opinions. And, er, a bloke called Scott had been on it. Um. And um … I’m not allowed to read out what his actual email address is, but if you go there, you can find it. Erm, so, you know, do that. Anyway, he said … um, Scott says, in the guestbook of Jimmy Hill’s website, he says, ‘I agree with Jimmy’s views that Britain is rapidly becoming no more a land which is populated by genuine British people born here. Please don’t get me wrong,’ writes Scott, ‘I am no Nazi or xenophobe as the pressure groups or government would have you believe. I’m just someone who was born in this country and hates to see it going to pot now.’ And it would be easier to take Scott’s views seriously if he hadn’t spelt the word ‘xenophobe’ Z-E-N-A-P-H-O-B, which of course just means someone who has an irrational hatred of Japanese Buddhism. But it is easy, Glasgow, right, in the current climate of paranoia to make a kind of race-based error, right. I’ve done it myself. Er, I’ll tell you how it happened. I haven’t been doing this for a few years, and one of the jobs I’ve been doing is working as a kind of arts journalist, writing about stuff. And last year I was really excited, ’cause I, I got to interview Ang Lee, the Taiwanese film director, um, about the Incredible Hulk film that he’d directed. And I was really excited, ’cause I’ve read the Incredible Hulk comics since I was about, er, six years old and I still read them now. And I will take … To prove that, I will take any question on the Hulk from you now, to prove that. Any question … AUDIENCE MEMBER: What colour is he? What colour is he? Have you asked me that because you know that’s … there’s a more complicated answer, than you … AUDIENCE MEMBER: Er … no. No. OK, well … Bad luck, because he was, er … You want me to say he was green and everyone will go, ‘Aha, that’s funny.’ But actually, for the first, er, six issues of Astounding Stories in 1960 – there’s a man nodding there, with a T-shirt saying KILL EVERYONE NOW on it, the kind of person who knows these facts – um, for the first six issues, he was of course grey. Of course. Um … But because of the dot-printing thing, the colours all used to run together, so it came out a blur. So they made him green after the sixth issue. And he’s been green [sic] twice since then. Erm … once in a six-issue mini-series written by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale called Hulk: Gray. He was grey in that. That came out last … year before last. Available in hardback now. And um … he was also grey in the comic strip between about 1989 and ’94, when Peter David was writing it and he made him go in a nutrient bath and that made him grey. I’ve lost you now as well. I’ve beaten you. I’ve beaten you, with your KILL EVERYONE … No, you don’t claim to be an expert but you looked at me with a doubtful face, as if, ‘This is going to get him.’ But look, I know more about the Hulk than you, and I’m older than you. So! No, that’s fine. So, so I was really excited to, to interview Ang Lee about the Hulk, and um … ’cause he’d made the film. But, but when I interview, I try to make a little joke to put them at ease, you know. So I rang him up. He was in New York, I was in, er, London. And I said to him, ‘Ang Lee, you have directed the Hulk film. You must be very excited and proud. But don’t make me anglee. You wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee.’ Then there was a long, embarrassed pause. And then Ang Lee said, ‘I’m sorry, what did you say?’ And I said, ‘I said, Ang Lee … you have … you’ve directed the Hulk film. You must be very excited and proud. But, erm, don’t make me anglee. You wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee.’ And there was another kind of silence. And then Ang Lee said, ‘I’m sorry, can you repeat that?’ And I said, ‘There’s no need, it was just a stupid joke.’ And he went, ‘No. What did you say?’ And I said … ‘I said, Ang Lee, you’ve directed the Hulk film. You must be very excited and proud. But, erm, don’t make me anglee. You wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee.’ And he, he didn’t say anything. And I said, ‘I expect loads of people have made that joke to you.’ And he said, ‘No. No one’s ever said it before. Why did you say it? Why?’ And I said, ‘Well, Ang … You know the Hulk film?’ And he went, ‘Yeah.’ I said, ‘Well, in that, Bruce Banner – he’s the Hulk – he says, “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” And your name’s Ang Lee and you directed it. So I said, um, “Don’t make me anglee, you wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee,” um, because “Ang Lee” sounds a bit like “angry”.’ And Ang Lee said, ‘No, it doesn’t.’ And I said, ‘Come on, Ang, be fair. “Ang Lee” does sound a bit like “angry”.’ And Ang Lee said, ‘No, it doesn’t. “Ang Lee” is a completely different word to “anglee”.’ And I said, ‘I’m sorry. Can you repeat that?’ And Ang Lee said, ‘Yes. “Ang Lee” is a completely different word to “anglee”.’ And I said, ‘I don’t understand the point you’re trying to make, Ang Lee, because what I’m saying, if you listen, is that “angry” sounds a bit like “Ang Lee”, so if you swap them round, people can see there’s a slight change, there’s some sort of joke there. Ang Lee … what you’re saying is actually the same word as “anglee”. If you swap those two words round, no one would notice the difference. It wouldn’t work. But that’s not what you’re … What you appear to be saying is that “anglee” is a completely different word to “Ang Lee”, but it isn’t. They’re the same thing. I can’t understand … It’s very simple, the joke I made. I can’t understand how you’ve got into this kind of fix. I never …’ And then he went, ‘Oh, I get it,’ he said. ‘Is this a joke about me having a Taiwanese accent?’ And I was mortified. I went, ‘No, it never even occurred to me that you would think that. It’s just a simple thing about the words, the syllables “ry” and “lee”, sounding the same. My own surname is Lee, I’ve had thirty-six years of fun with that syllable. I know what I’m talking about. I can’t see why you would begin to think …’ And he went, ‘No! You’re anti-Taiwanese.’ And I went, ‘I’m not. I don’t even know where Taiwan is. I’ve got no interest in it.’ Which made it worse, to be honest. And then he got, he got like a lawyer on from Universal, and I had to … Shouting at me, saying I was anti-Taiwan … I had to get my editor on from the paper to stick up for me … We ended up having this kind of four-way argument. It went on for ages. He was going, ‘You’re anti-Taiwanese,’ he was saying. My editor was going, ‘No, he isn’t, he has no history of anti-Taiwaneseness at all.’ And there was, like, this thing. And then Ang Lee started shouting at me about it. And I went, ‘Well, I can’t see what your problem is. Why don’t you just listen to the joke? It’s obvious.’ And then in the end he went, ‘Don’t make me anglee, you wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee!’ And I said, ‘You’ve proved my point, you fucking Taiwanese idiot!’ He said, ‘Don’t call me that!’ He got another bloke, an adviser. I had to get someone else on, the publisher. There’s like a six-way, two-hour debate going on. In the end, we argued for so long that Ang Lee missed his 2.30 dentist’s appointment. That’s the time he goes to the dentist, Glasgow! Don’t let him tell you any different. He doesn’t even need to write it down. They offer him an appointment card, he rejects it. He says, ‘I’ll remember it by thinking about my own pain.’ I’m going to shout out some questions now. I need you to answer loudly to them. The answer to most of them is yes. OK, one, two, three. Who likes alcohol? AUDIENCE: Yes! Louder! Who likes sweets? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes cream cakes? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes their favourite food, whatever it is? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Ben Elton? Oh, it’s no one. OK, here’s another one. Who likes, er, who likes, er, The Simpsons? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Spider-Man? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes their favourite fictional character from their own childhood? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes their own beloved mother? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Ben Elton? Oh, it’s no one again. OK, here’s another one. Who likes snowflakes? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes sunshine? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes the universal concept of eternal peace and happiness? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Osama bin Laden? Yeah! Who likes Ben Elton? Oh, it’s no one again. It’s fucking weird, it’s weird. That is weird, ’cause I must have done that thirty or forty times, right, and every time, without any element of manipulation, more people like Osama bin Laden, a multiple murderer, than Ben Elton. I think why, why would more people like Osama bin Laden than Ben Elton? And I think it’s ’cause when you compare the two of them, compared to Ben Elton, Osama bin Laden has at least lived his life to a consistent set of ethical principles. ’Cause … Yeah, clap, let him hear you. So, er … ’Cause people hate Ben Elton, and every now and again a journalist has the courage to ask him why this is. I’ve seen it happen twice in print and once on Parkinson. Parkinson said to him, he said to Ben Elton, ‘Ben Elton, why do you think everyone hates you?’ And Ben Elton said – he did – and Ben Elton said, ‘Well, Michael, it’s ’cause in this country, people don’t like success.’ But he was wrong about that. The real answer is much more simple. It’s just that in this country, people don’t like Ben Elton. And they don’t hate him through the kind of conduit of the notion of success. They hate him entirely on his own terms, because of who he is and the bad things that he’s done. And I think if you’re my age, you can kind of understand why it is. ’Cause if you’re, if you’re over thirty-five, you’ll remember before Alternative Comedy, when you’d watch comedians, and it had no kind of relevance to you and you didn’t understand what they were talking about and who they were. And then The Young Ones came along, and all that, with Ben Elton, and you thought, ‘At last, something for us.’ Then, of course, over the years, Ben Elton’s changed. He’s worked with Queen, who were one of the British bands that broke the, er, cultural embargo on South Africa under apartheid. He’s worked with Andrew Lloyd Webber, who’s worse than that. And, er … And a song that they co-wrote was performed at the inauguration of George Bush. And when questioned about it, Ben Elton said he didn’t see it so much as a celebration of George Bush as a celebration of the President of the United States of America. But of course, they’re the same thing. That’s why that argument doesn’t work. But the problem is he’s kind of been compromised by proximity to, to success. And, and if you think about it, all the great comedians are kind of outsider figures, commenting on society from outside. Kind of holy fools, shaman clowns, outsiders. Spike Milligan was able to remain an outsider by virtue of having long-term mental-illness problems. Um … Bill Hicks has been able to remain an outsider because he died of cancer at the age of thirty-two. Michael Barrymore has been able to remain an outsider by becoming the subject of a murder investigation after a man was found dead in his pool. I admire Barrymore’s commitment to this abstract notion of the outsider shaman-clown figure. And I think it’s good … I think it’s great to be on this late at night in Glasgow talking about this idea. But um … But lately I have more sympathy for what we in the trade call Elton’s compromise. And … ’Cause … In the last few years I, I directed a, a show and it was, it was kind of a hit in the West End. And I had to meet loads of famous people on, on press nights and, um, and opening nights. I met, er, Bonnie Langford. Yeah. I met her twice. I met, er, the tall one from the Three Degrees, Sheila … something, her name is. And one night, I found myself shaking hands before I realised who it was, with Michael Portillo, right? I looked up. I thought it was the little wooden goblin from the Cuprinol advert. But it was Michael Portillo, someone whose policies I had marched against as a student, or would have done if I hadn’t been drunk. But theoretically … There was worse to come than Portillo. On June the 16th last year, I heard a rumour that Cherie Blair was going to come and see the show, right? And I thought, ‘Well, I hope that’s not the case.’ You know, I don’t want to have to meet her. ’Cause I’m one of two million Britons that marched against her husband’s war. I think it’s unethical. I think it’s going to come back and bite us in the arse and we’ll be in trouble about it for decades, once the dust settles. And I, I don’t want to have to be like some E-list celebrity New Labour apologist. I don’t want to meet her, no way. And then the next day, the woman from the public-relations company for the show rang me up. And she said, ‘I’ve got some great news, Cherie Blair is coming to see the show, and she wants to meet the cast and the creative team afterwards.’ And I went, ‘I’m sorry. I can’t do it. I’ve got … This is where I draw a line. You know. You d–,’ I said. ‘You don’t even want me in the building. If I’m there, I’m going to get kind of political Tourette’s syndrome and just do something like fly an anti-war banner off the stage, or make a speech at the end, or just do something to Cherie Blair that’ll wipe that … whatever that is … on her face. You know, make it go.’ And she said, ‘Well, that’s a shame, because … Does this change your mind?’ she said. ‘She’s not coming on her own. She’s coming with her guest, who is the president of Scope, the Spastics Society.’ Right, and this honestly happened. I was put in this weird position where you want to make some ineffectual gesture against Cherie Blair, but you don’t want to snub a person from a worthwhile charity, Scope. You know, so … I thought, ‘Well, I know what I’ll do. I’ll go down, and after the show I’ll say to Cherie Blair, “I hope you’re happy, Cherie. I hope when you look across at Tony every morning, you think of all those thousands of people killed in his war, and I hope you’re happy when you think of all those little kids in Baghdad and Basra with their arms and legs blown off, maimed, crippled for life.” Then I’ll turn to the woman from Scope, and I’ll go, “Maybe you can have a rummage around in one of your charity shops. See if you can find them some cardigans.”’ But in the end, I didn’t do that. What I did was, I said that I would go, and then I just didn’t. Yeah. But … We’re back talking about the war again. Last, last bit. And er … Like I say, there’s this kind of assumption I think from us here in Europe, where we look at, particularly in Britain, where we look at America’s hysterical reaction to the 9th of November, and we think, ‘Well, you know, that wouldn’t happen here. We wouldn’t do that, ’cause we’re reasonable, sensible people here in Britain.’ But we don’t have to look very far back in our own cultural history to see an example of us losing the plot as a, as a nation. And I’m talking of course about the death of Princess Diana, the late Princess of Wales. It was in the news again last summer because of the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, which you’ll remember was a rubbish fountain. And fulfilled very few of the job-description criteria of fountains. But it’s ongoing, it’s ongoing. The story never goes away. I remember when she died, um, ’cause about two days before the state funeral, I went down to Kensington Palace where Princess Diana had lived to, to look at all the tributes left outside, you know. And in amongst all the bunches of flowers and sympathy cards, and poems little kids had written, and drawings and paintings people had done, whatever … in amongst all that, I honestly saw, and this is true, I saw a life-size inflatable model of E.T. It was honestly there, outside Kensington Palace, two days before the state funeral. And I stood there looking at the inflatable E.T. for some forty or fifty minutes. And I thought to myself, ‘How did that get there? Who would have thought that that was an appropriate gesture?’ And I imagined a household somewhere on that awful autumn Sunday morning, where perhaps the wife had woken up first, and she’d watched the news and she went through to her still-sleeping husband, and she said … ‘Please. Please wake u– … I need you to wake up and be with me now. There’s been a t– … Some terrible news. I need you to get up, come in the front room and watch it on the television with me, ’cause I can’t be alone. So please wake up.’ But you know, he’s asleep, he’s asleep. He’s going … [lying down, as though half-awake] ‘What? It’s fucking … It’s half past six on a Sunday morning. I am asleep. I know I’m speaking but I am asleep. I don’t want to get up. I’m asleep. So … just … I know you’re upset but just say what it is. What is it?’ And she’d have gone … [stands up] ‘Please. If you … If you love me, just this one time, just get up. And … Because it’s an awful thing and I need … I can’t be alone. I need someone to comfort me and share. Just … please. Get up.’ [lying down] And he’d have gone … ‘Look, I was out late last night. I’ve got, I’ve got work at seven … tomorrow. This is my … this is my one day for sleeping in. I don’t want to get up till about half past eleven, to be honest. And even then I’m not going to get dressed. I’m just going to be, like, in my pants and stuff, just sitting around. I kind of … I don’t know what you … If you were just to say what it is … You know … What is it?’ [stands up] She’d have gone … ‘Princess Diana, Lady Di, has … she … has been killed.’ [lying down] And he’d have gone … ‘No! [pounding fist on floor] Not the Queen of Hearts! The Rose of England … and Scotland, and Wales, and bits of Ireland, no! How did it … There’s no God! How did it … why? How did it happen?’ [standing up] And she’d have gone … ‘It was in a car crash in Paris last night. They don’t know the exact details yet. But she’s dead.’ So presumably at that point, he’d have got up, got out of bed, tried to get dressed, you know, get some kind of grip on his emotions and his feelings. Calm down his grief. And then he’d have said … ‘I’d better go out and get a life-size inflatable model of E.T. You know, for the gates of her home.’ And his wife would have said … ‘Yes. But you’d better hurry, ’cause there’ll be a rush on those now. We don’t want to be the only people not putting one there.’ And I was talking about this onstage in Croydon at the time it happened, and a bloke shouted out, ‘I was there! And I saw that! And it wasn’t a life-size inflatable model of E.T., it was a life-size inflatable model of ALF!’ I didn’t even know what an ALF was, I had to ask him. He said, ‘Oh, it’s an American kids’ TV thing. It’s an alien – A-L-F, Alien Life Form. It’s like a cross between a pig and an aardvark, from space. And it sometimes wears a nappy, and it says kind of wise-ass things.’ And he said he’d seen one of those there. I didn’t see an ALF outside Kensington Palace, before the … And I’m not saying there wasn’t one there, maybe there was at some stage. But by the time I arrived, it had got covered up under flowers or carried away on a river of infants’ tears. I don’t know, I didn’t see it. It never goes away, it’s back in the news now, the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. Last year, people went, ‘Oh, it’s great, it’s, it’s what she would have wanted. It’s a place where families can hang out, children can play. It’s what Princess Diana would have wanted.’ It isn’t. What Princess Diana would have wanted would have been to have not been killed. And then in death, not to have become the unwitting receptacle of the hysterical, overemotional, shrieking grief of twats. That’s what she would have wanted. It didn’t even work! It didn’t even work, Glasgow! Children were supposed to be able to play in it. They kept falling over, breaking their arms and legs. They made it out of slate, or sheets of ice, or something. They were getting dogshit-eye-blindness disease from the water. In the end, they had to close it down, fence it off, put warning signs on it like a decommissioned Chernobyl nuclear reactor. ‘Don’t go near the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain! It’s dangerous! Don’t even look at it! You’ll get cancer and die! Run away!’ But it’s ridiculous. There should be a memorial to her, there should be a memorial to her, because she did some amazing things. She worked, worked with charity and landmines. And she got one GCSE in domestic science. And to achieve that, and only that, when born into such a position of privilege and wealth, requires a steely determination of focus. You’ve got to know from an early age that you want to achieve next to nothing, and work hard at it, when all the odds are in your favour. And that’s why there should be a memorial to her, the People’s Princess, right. That’s why I’m going to make my own, I’m going to make my own memorial fountain to the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. It’s going to be called the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain Memorial Fountain Fountain. But it’s not going to be some state-approved, Viscount Althorp-subsidised architectural carbuncle. It’s going to be simple, like she would have wanted. It’s going to be me, lying on my back in Hyde Park, near the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, naked, with a colander over my penis. Every hour, on the hour, I’ll piss up through that. Children can come and play in it if they want, families can gather round, I don’t mind. You can do it yourselves, Glasgow, do it yourselves. You don’t even need a colander. That’s gilding the lily, to be honest. Just do a piss anywhere you want. In the street, in your house, in a library, in an antenatal unit, in the face of a treasured family pet or an elderly relative. And if a policeman says to you, ‘What are you doing? What on earth do you think you’re doing … madam?’ just say, ‘I’m paying tribute in the only way I understand to the memory of Princess Diana, Princess of Wales.’ I’ve been Stewart Lee. Thanks a lot for bearing with us tonight, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Now go. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-hot-forever-transcript/ | Iliza Shlesinger: Hot Forever (2022) | Transcript | iliza shlesinger | [upbeat music playing] [crowd cheering] Cleveland, Ohio! Thank you! Thank you so much. This is so great. This is so nice to be here with you in public. We’re not stuck at home doing this for ten likes. Ah, that’s right, you danced. You know you did. It was a real blight on American history. No one wants to talk about how they danced, but people danced. They’re like, “If I do it enough, it’s my key to financial freedom.” “I don’t need to read a book.” “I’ll just do this for ten likes. I hope it works out for me.” No! You were never gonna make money dancing on TikTok. You want to know why? Because you’re ugly. It’s only for, like, 22-year-old smokin’ hot girls. They’re like, “It’s a skill,” and dude’s finger going now. “Oh, good job, Chloe.” Yeah. It was never gonna be your financial future. We got a whole microgeneration of kids now going for job interviews at, like, Bank of America. “It says here under ‘special skills, ‘ ‘Look up at Travis.'” He’s… Nothing? The dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok, okay? There is no music in real life, there is no editing. The dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Gentlemen, that would be very weird for you if you saw one of those dances in the wild. You’re out at a bar and look over on the dance floor and you see a girl just… You’d be like, “Oh, no. Hope she gets home okay.” The dances on TikTok were never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Let’s put this into some scene work. Before we get in the scene work, I just want to acknowledge this is my sixth Netflix special, and I built a career… [cheering] Good night. I’ve built a career the last five specials talking to people in general, but I always want girls to feel good, to know that I’m on their side. Yeah, I want you to do well. Yeah. But, boys, that doesn’t mean I’m not on your side. I’m on no one’s side. I want everyone to do well. And, boys, I want you to have the information and the wisdom nuggets that girls have, because I believe you are half the problem. So come along, let me teach you. It occurs to me now, I’m 39. I’m an elder millennial. I’m a mother. I have information. I remember dating, why waste all this information? So, this is for the young men in the crowd. We’re talking 30, younger, okay? The rest of you boys will die set in your ways, okay? For the young one. And the older guys are fine, they’re like, “Yeah, come and take it.” Okay. The younger ones, give me your squishy brains and let me help you, okay? Let me give you some pearls of wisdom to make it easier with the girls. So, the dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Gentlemen, let’s say you get a girl to go home with you. You get a girl to go back to your apartment by the grace of God, and you bring her back. You should know, boys, first of all, you get naked so fast. You’re like, “Do you wanna have sex?” The girl agrees, you sign the contract. It’s all good, NDA, done. She has barely even said, like, “Okay,” and you’re like, “You ready?” It’s like, “Is this America’s Got Talent?” Like, quick change, naked. Uh-oh. Is that made of Velcro? You get naked so fast, and then it’s uncomfortable because we’re sitting there as women, like, barely taking off our overalls. Like, “Oh, my God,” and you are naked, trying to make us comfortable, like, “Did you want a snack?” or… “You want soup?” “I have a cup of soup in the car.” While we appreciate that, you should know that’s uncomfortable because there’s us, half-naked in the corner, nervous. You are hovering over us, naked, trying to give us food. It feels like we’ve been kidnapped. “I promise you’re gonna like it here.” Okay. Getting naked should be a seductive dance, a back and forth. I take off my blouse, you take off your blouse. I wonder why he’s wearing a blouse, whatever. Back and forth. Instead, girls get nervous. Like, “Oh, don’t look.” “I know you’re going to be inside me soon, but don’t look at me naked.” He doesn’t care. “But I didn’t shave here.” He will rip it out with his teeth, he doesn’t fuckin’ care. Have some confidence. Men have Sasquatch bodies, and they’re like, “Isn’t it perfection?” And we’re… sculpted like, “I’m hideous! Oh, I didn’t shave my legs!” He doesn’t even know you have legs! He loves ya. Now you’re going to get in bed. Gentlemen, this is important. The way in which one gets into the bed, okay? ‘Tis a dance. When you prepare the bed, it should require multiple gestures of pulling back multiple sheetsss. Ssss! [whooshing] Sheet, top sheet, duvet, duvet cover, comforter, nano-blanket, teddy bear. Multiple. It’s a workout, not you grabbing a crusty sleeping bag, like, “Get it over.” “Who sprayed this down with Febreze? This is normally in the duck blind.” Ohio likes that one. “Yeah, we go huntin’.” And then the way you get into the bed, boys. This is paramount, okay? When you get in bed, it should be a simple motion, it’s just… [whoosh] …and then it’s… [pop] …and then one leg and then the other, okay? Now, what I’m about to paint for you is a memory that a lot of women have suppressed, and I’m gonna say it, and you’re gonna be like, “Oh, my God, Tom!” Like it’s… Boys, you get so excited that we’re gonna have sex. The girl’s trying to go to the bathroom, the guy’s like, “I’ll meet you in bed.” And then we see you hop into bed. Never. Don’t get giddy, okay? This is a serious sexual experience. I don’t want to see, “I’m Peter Pan!” We never want to see… “Yippity-skippity!” We never want to see you fawnlike, like, “Oh, I’m dainty,” in the bed, okay? In my life, I’ve never been naked and had both feet leave the ground. Do you know how big that spider would have to be for me to just forget about physics? That spider would have to have a gun. Like, “Dance!” No! And now I’m going to say this. This is indelicate, but it bears being said. Gentlemen, when you “yippy-skippy” into the bed, you know, you’ve got to clear the mattress so the human body naturally rounds, your spine naturally rounds, and you hunch over to dive in, and I’m just gonna say it, “We can see your butthole.” Don’t want to see that. That’s not nice, okay? I just ruined so many rides home tonight. “Did you see my butthole?” “Susan, did you see my asshole? I need to know!” Don’t make us see that. That’s a lot to reckon with, okay? As it is, we’re fine with your body. We don’t want to see… It’s too intimate. We don’t even know how much we like you. We don’t even know if we’re going to be together. We already know the sex will most likely be mediocre for the girl. And then if she accidentally gets pregnant, depending on the state, she will be forced to carry that child to term. [cheering and applause] Just so we’re clear and it’s on record, fiercely pro-choice. There is no other way to be, and if you want to… [cheering] Oh, yeah. I hope this goes around the world. And if you, for whatever reason your heart desires, you want to keep your baby, that is fine, I want you to keep your baby. Just don’t make that choice for other women, okay? Okay. Okay. Back to the butthole jokes. So… He’s in bed. He buttholed, he daintied. He’s in the bed, the girl’s in the bathroom. The premise of this joke, gentlemen, is TikTok dances are not sexual independent of the app of TikTok. The dances are not sexy. It would be weird for you boys. You’re in your weird bed, and the girl comes out and she’s fully naked, and she’s just like… He’s like, “You look good. Why don’t you get in bed?” “Oh, I’m going to.” “But first… I’m going to seduce you… …with a dance from TikTok!” Remember, there’s no music. There are no filters. Just you guttural breathing to an eight-count, like, “One, two, three, four!” Tits swinging like an orangutan. The 20-year-olds are like, “Those aren’t the dances.” Every guy in here is like, “I mean… not not hot.” “You are a woman breathing in my apartment, so… wouldn’t kick you out of bed, just wondered how long you were gonna stay.” So I do have a little girl, and I love her more than life itself. One of the weird parts about being pregnant are the mental hurdles. One of them is that you have to accept that you’re going to gain weight, which, if you’re a woman, you’ve been taught that’s an unforgivable sin, right? Whatever weight you were at 12, you’ve got to spend your life trying to get back to that. You’re gonna gain weight, you’re gonna need new clothes. I didn’t buy maternity clothes, I just wore leggings and T-shirts, but you got to get new underwear, new big-girl underwear, that’s right. And you’ve got to get a new bra. And I will tell you what, that was mentally very difficult. Because a woman’s relationship with her bra, particularly the ugly one, is sacred, all right? Every girl has an ugly bra. That’s right, every girl. I believe it’s what unifies every woman on this planet. We all got an ugly bra, and the bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is. That’s right. Every girl’s got an ugly bra. It’s the longest relationship you’ve ever been in. She is battle worn. Every man in this crowd is like, “I seen that bra.” I woke up the other night, bra was looking at me like, “Get out of here, motherfucker!” People don’t understand our connection to ugly bra. Like, “Why don’t you get rid of her? She’s so ugly.” And we’re like, “‘Cause she does me right and she’s a hard worker.” “She’s loyal.” The bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is. There’s some truth for you, yeah. If you’re working with anything over a C cup, I got you. I know that pain, I know how hideous our bras are, okay? So you are my people. Anything… and I know. People are like, “You’ve got big boobs, is that hard?” It fuckin’ is, okay? They gaslight you, that’s right. There’s where all the big tits are, yeah. The world wants you to have giant knockers, and then when you do, they give you no infrastructure to support them. All we want are cute bras. Instead they’re like, “Here’s a Soviet era wind sock.” “Just strap it on and help plow.” “Just do it.” You never got to wear the cute bras. Remember when you were a teenager? By the way, if you have smaller breasts, an A cup or a B cup, this is size-inclusive, but you don’t know! You don’t know what it was like being friends with you, and your girlfriends are like, “Let’s go to the mall.” Remember malls? And you go and they say, “Let’s go get cute bras at Abercrombie.” Remember Abercrombie? And you’d go with them, and they’re running forward, and you’re carrying around your grown woman divorcée chest. Like, “Wait for me!” “Can’t run, I’m not wearing two sports bras, I’m coming.” They’re all trying on cute bras, playing slap tickle. You’re just sitting there eating a slice from Sbarro. Like… “My mom’s getting me at two. I’ll just be here.” They’d have the cutest bras. I always wanted the cute bras. None for you. They’d come out cute. “Look at this one, it’s made of moose felt. Mmm.” “Mm. So bucolic. Look at this one, it’s got hearts on it.” “This one’s got little kisses on it.” “I’m a child. Isn’t it so cute?” “Aww! This one’s got feathers.” “This one’s just two contact lenses and dental floss.” “Bouncy.” Not me! Not me and every other big-breasted girl. We were getting hauled into some back-alley discount van where some Eastern European woman named Loretta is gonna hand-fit you, scoop each breast into its own personal hurt locker and jiggle your tits around in front of your mother! Just sitting there. You’ve never even made out with a boy. She’s just grabbing at you like, “How does this feel?” You’re like, “I’m kind of turned on. I don’t know!” Ugly bra comes in one color. And I can only describe it as like a gray beige. Like, if clammy were a color. Like, I don’t know whose skin tone they’re matching, but it’s offensive. Who looks like that? It’s like a drowned Caucasian. It’s just… no life to it. And sometimes, to put lipstick on that pig, they’ll take a thread of the same pukey color and they’ll sew in a floral scape, like, “Oh, thank you.” “Yeah, someone brought me flowers. Thank you.” “Oh, a rose, but the death of my self-esteem.” “Thank you so much.” Sometimes to gussy it up, they’ll put a little gold coin here. Who is that for? The guy’s already pumped to be there. What guy takes off her shirt, he’s like, “Jackpot, yeah”? “Ch-ching!” “Oh, El Dorado. I have riches for my lifetime.” I got one ugly bra that had a ruby, a ruby, right here. What the fuck, am I a troll doll? Why? Ugly bra comes in that one color. I think the part that adds insult to injury are the thick straps. “Thick-ass strap.” No girl wants that. No girl wants thick straps. As you get older or if you’re pregnant, you want the support, but when you’re younger, you don’t fuckin’ want that. I want a licorice whip, that’s it, tiny. Just a… [blows] …whisper of… You don’t want the thick straps, and you know what? You look at any magazine, any fashion shoot, and in movies, there’s all these girls with huge boobs and they Photoshop out the straps. They don’t want you to see that fuckin’ harness holding it all up. They know no one wants to see a model with a backstrap of bacon. They know… Girls in movies, the ingenue, she’s got big boobs and she’s running, and it’s always like a tank top, and the tank top’s always falling, right? We like our women half-dressed and distressed. Just like, “Oh, my God, I dropped everything.” “I’m such a klutz. Oops. Tank top fall. Mm.” “Ooh, it’s a clove cigarette, I’m complex. How am I gonna…” And then the bra strap falls down. “Mm, I’m a riddle.” “Oh! I work at a café one day a week.” In my life, my bra strap has never fallen down. This thing clocks in for a union job at 9 a.m. Works a 12-hour shift as a tension bridge. It’s not fallen down, okay? If my bra strap fell down, the next thing you’d hear is like, “Oh, fuck!” “I’m taking my things and I’m leaving, thank you.” You never see a hot girl, tank top strap falls down, and there’s just a seat belt. You never see it. Why those straps got to be so thick? In case I need to, what, pull an apple cart to market? I toured Europe and did that joke in Hungary, and they were like, [Hungarian accent] “Yes, woman needs to help.” The hooks are also a nightmare. Multiple hooks, okay? Anything over three hooks is not a bra, it is an ADT interlocking security approach. [imitating static] [robotically] “Enter passcode.” Nobody wants all those hooks. No girl wants multiple hooks, because after three hooks, it’s not even a bra, it’s a brassiere, and it’s a full approach. Every girl wants a bralette, that’s what every girl wants. The cute, like, fart of a bra, that’s what you want. Boys, I know, I’ve lost you. You’re like, “What the fuck is a bralette”? “Why is she speaking French?” I got you. A bralette is a butterfly burp of an undergarment. It’s not even a bra, it’s just two hummingbirds, one under each nipple. Just two cat whiskers holding the back together. It’s… [blows] …bralette! That’s what that is. Multiple hooks are a nightmare. You could hurt yourself. Why is it that the hardest thing in the world to do is when you get out of the shower and your skin is damp and you connect the hooks here… Help! Shredding your clavicle. “So, why are you in hospice care?” “Well, I pulled a back muscle putting on my bra, and I think it’s over.” Multiple hooks bother me. And I was thinking about it, like, why is this so triggering? And it goes all the way back to being a teenager, like most things, okay? Remember the first time you seriously made out with a boy, Ohio? So, what, 12, I don’t know. Remember the first time? Oh, I can go lower. Yeah, I’ve played Louisiana, we can go into the single digits. We’ll put it at a 16. We’ll put it at a nice, healthy “Jack & Diane,” all-American 16, okay? The first time you, like, really made out with a boy, right? You’re making out with him. You know, as the girl, you are harboring that secret. You know the multiple hook situation. You know the Rubik’s Cube of nylon and nickel that’s back there. That’s a fuckin’ cloth LSAT he’s going to have to pass. You know what’s back there. The boy has no idea, why would he? He’s never seen a bra before. All he knows is, “I caught a big one.” Like, he’s just excited. You know he’s going to have to contend with that, and you’re keeping that secret, like a bridge troll guarding a secret. Like, [high-pitched] “If you can solve these riddles three… …naked for you I shall be.” And you know it’s back there, and there’s that moment, there’s that moment where you’re making out, right? And he pulls away, and you’re like, “It’s time.” And he’s like, “Let’s do it. I need you.” “I fucking need this, Jeremy.” And he puts his head here. He pulls away from kissing so he can look over your back and look down at his work. Of course he has to look at your back, of course he needs his eyes on his paper. He can’t do that for the first time, sight unseen… [speaking gibberish] He can’t do that. “Yippity-skippity.” He can’t do that. No man has the natural dexterity of a doll brain surgeon. Why would you be able to intricately have that gorilla grip, to expand, contract? Why would you know? I know, all the lesbians are like, “We figured it out.” By the way, gentlemen, we want you to get it. We don’t want you to be embarrassed. No woman worth her salt wants that. We want you to succeed, right? We want you to take off our bras, and by the way, boys, that is your role. That is your job, to take off her bra. And this has nothing to do with feminism or gender roles. It has everything to do with no woman wanting to make this face. [ululates] “How was the date?” “It was great and then she flew out of the sunroof.” “We were making out in an Ultima.” And so there’s that moment where, like, he pulls away and he puts his head here, but you’ve never made out with a boy, and now you’re just a head floating on his shoulder. Like, “What do I do?” You can’t, like, “You got it, Trey.” “Keep going, Steven.” You can’t say anything, so you start kissing his shoulder, like… “You can do it! I don’t know…” “My curfew’s in ten minutes.” “I need to be shirtless in the back of my mom’s Maxima. Hurry!” And you watch as his little monkey paw goes behind your back. And you’re a young girl, and you don’t know you’re about to come in contact with your first lesson in male fragility. Because the hand goes behind the back, and he’s focused and it’s silent. And then for us girls, the next thing we hear is just… [inhales sharply] [low-pitched] “Motherfucker!” [high-pitched] “Calm down.” Unnecessary to have so many hooks. Unnecessary. I did that joke in Portugal, and this woman comes up to me after the show, and she was like 5’5″, and she comes up, this little old lady. There was no security, she just walked right up, and she just… She goes… [speaking gibberish] I was like, “Yes? Hello?” And she just goes, “I have six hook and never tell no one.” [whoosh] I’m like, “Catch her, grab her jewel.” You don’t need all the hooks, and I’ll tell you why. When you go home tonight and you take off your bra, you’ll notice only one hook is doing the work. ‘Cause these things aren’t structurally sound. It’s that middle hook that’s been stripped of its paint. The hook and eye are so warped, it looks like God touching man. [groans] Ugly bra’s important. It’s an important bond. Brought ugly bra on a recent trip, um… You know, the world opened in the last year or so, and I think I’m like a lot of people in that, when you had the chance to take a trip, you were like, “We gotta fuckin’ go.” “Pack the toothbrush, let’s go.” So we took, like, a anniversary, post-baby, babymoon, birth-iversary, work is hard, mix it all together, “we never take a vacation” trip. We went to Italy, and I’m going to admit something that no woman has ever admitted before, here I go. Um… we did not have a great vacation, and… it was my fault. [gasps] [applause] Thank you so much, good night. No, it was my fault. But here’s why it wasn’t my fault. I don’t know. Are you… a person who works? Are you a woman who works? Do you have a family? Do you have a passion in this world? Yeah. [cheering] Are you fucking tired? And not just tired from work, tired from living up to the expectations of everybody who comes in contact with you? It is exhausting. We need a break, and we’re always champion, like, “Oh, keep working,” and then it’s a joke when you’re tired, like, “Oh, my wife doesn’t want to have sex, she’s tired.” Not just tired, she wants to be dead for a week. She wants to be put in a medically induced coma, if, for nothing else, just to get rid of these bags so people stop asking her why she looks so tired. Yeah, I had just had a baby. I shouldn’t have gone, but I was like, “Get it while the gettin’ is good.” Body was different, mind was different. Exhausted from work, stressed out. Allergies, feeling nauseous. I think I took too much Ambien. Is anyone regulating this? And we get there, jet-lagged, and I am miserable. And to make it worse, everybody there, all the girls were like 25. “From Michigan!” And they were all, like, [like valley girl] “on their honeymoons with their baseball player husbands named Coleton.” “Hey!” “Coleton, come here.” “I’m flawless. Coleton.” “Blixly, Brangin, come here.” “Crackin’, come here.” What are we doing with these names, America? Like, why mess with normal names? No one thinks we’re from old-line British money. “Like, Huxton.” I’m sorry, are you a hotel lobby? What are these words? “Blisten, Blixon, Dasher, Dancer.” “Braxton, Higgs, Contraction, come here.” “Tinkle, come here, Triscuit. I married a kitten.” “Come here!” “Tinkle. I’m in a romper. Let’s take a picture.” Romping! Romping with Tinkle. Ruff! Boys, I know, again, I got you. “What the fuck is a romper?” I got you. Let me explain. A romper is a garment made for a toddler… [cheering and applause] …that, because of our society’s obsession with infantilizing women, we have convinced grown adult women that they need to wear, okay? Not one woman has ever put on a romper and then said, “And there’s so much room in the crotch.” I think it’s all a part of a giant plan to keep women down. Like, you’ll have CEOs, mothers, businesswomen walking into meetings, like, “Thank you for waiting.” Just tugging at it. You got to be smart to wear a romper, I hope you know that. You do. It’s a puzzle. ‘Cause there’s only enough cloth to cover one set of genitals adequately. Like, you can cover your nipples, but, Cleveland, your south mouth is out. Okay? It’s gonna be out. I’m a woman. When I put on my clothes, I should not have to decide if I’m going to dress to the left or the right. They’re all in rompers having the best time, and all the Italian women were stunning. Olive skin, designer outfits, wearing six-inch heels. Fuckin’ killing it on ancient cobblestone walkways, not missing a beat. Sitting there in fartable Umbros and orthotics, just eating. I’m just like, “It’s called parmesan. We’ll never see this cheese again.” “We should have it now.” “Load ‘er up on my bra, and I’ll pull it back to the hotel.” “It’s duty-free if you eat all of it.” Those women were so beautiful, and I would just look at them, snorting ham. And I would just be like, “You girls are so beautiful.” “This food here is so good. How are you not a thousand pounds?” And they would look at me and they would just be like… [blows out emphatically] “Because we smoke cigarette.” “We do not eat processed corn for every meal.” “American, you are disgusty.” And she was right. I was disgusty. But not of body, of heart and mind. I was feeling so bad for myself. Then I started to feel bad about how bad I was making myself feel. And if you’re like me, when I’m in a bad mood, nothing makes me feel better than dragging everyone down. Then I started to get mad at myself because I would look at these beautiful girls, who hadn’t just had a baby, and I would be like, “They’re making me feel bad about myself.” Which is insane, okay? They’re not making you feel anything. And it’s okay, it’s okay to look at other women and decide what you like about them that you might want for yourself, okay? And society will label you competitive, a word that we reserve as a positive for male CEOs, male athletes, and men in general, but if a woman makes herself better, “She’s competitive.” “Sit the fuck down.” It’s normal, it’s intelligent. It’s called fucking adapting. It’s called evolution. When I look at another girl, it’s not about disdain for her, it’s about looking at her and thinking, “What about you do I want to try for me?” That’s what we do. You are constantly… It’s a goose. You are constantly… okay. You are constantly submarine sonaring yourself off of other women. That’s how you improve. Life is not a vacuum. You have to take in everything around you. [imitating sonar emissions] “She has bangs, should I get bangs? Remember the 2000s? Don’t do it.” “She’s wearing a mustard jumper. Should I…” “No, mustard doesn’t look good on white people.” “Low-rise jeans? No, you just had a baby.” “High-waisted, elder millennial black-denim-till-you-fuckin’-die, sister.” Every girl does it. Admit it. Every girl does it. Don’t believe women that are like, “I don’t judge other women.” Yes, you do, and I judge you for lying about it, how’s that? It’s okay. It’s okay to even have a bad thought. Don’t share it, don’t be a fuckin’ monster. Every girl does that. You leave your house feeling great. You’re thriving, right? You just did, like, ten minutes of yoga, mostly Shavasana, but you still did it. You made a recipe for a green matcha oat latte you saw on TikTok. So you did that. And you’re feeling so good, right? You leave your house like, “I feel so lean, so good.” You see another girl, maybe she’s not the cutest, right? Maybe she has her own hermit crab shell. Who knows? At least she’s a homeowner, who knows? You see another girl, and for the quickest of seconds, you judge her. You’re like, “She’s not too cute.” Maybe she’s not. Maybe she’s wearing boot-cut jeans and wedges, who knows? Oh, my God, Cleveland, that’s bad, okay? We’ll cut that part. You see her and… It was bad. But you see another girl, and for the quickest of seconds, you’re just like, “Oh, she’s so cute, she’s trying. Mm.” “Why does she bother? I look so good. Oh.” And then you turn the corner and see one of those hot girls in the butterfly fart bras, and she looks beautiful even when she cries, and you’re like, “Why do I bother?!” [groaning] “Return me to the sea.” “Let my body break down into fossil fuels that I may fuel the yachts of hotter people.” Your partner just wants you to feel good, right? Your husband, your boyfriend, they want you to feel good. They don’t understand the complexity of self-loathing when it comes to being a girl. They don’t understand that everything is attached and nothing is an isolated incident, right? Men are able to compartmentalize, but they are simple. And I envy that. A guy can look at weight gain like an isolated thing. [low-pitched] “Well, I gained weight.” “Better remedy that with some bigger pants.” “Here we go.” “To the Dillard’s.” Not that simple for girls, is it? ‘Cause when we gain weight, it’s never just about the weight. Is it? No. It’s attached to many things because everything is everything and it’s all happening at once. “I gain weight because I don’t have a work/life balance because I hate my fucking job because I didn’t get the job I wanted because I didn’t go to school because the guy I was dating didn’t encourage me and I always date the wrong men.” That’s what it’s about. That’s what it’s about. We are constantly beating ourselves up as women, and we are constantly feeling bad. And then I started to feel bad about the fact that we feel bad, and I started to think on the fact that we have a mental illness in this country where, as totally normal women, we just feel bad about ourselves, or we just feel gross. At least once a day, if you’re an American woman, you will utter the phrase, out loud or to yourself, “I just feel so gross.” For what? For sweating? For working out, for not working out? For feeding yourself? For having sex? Okay, that one, I don’t know. He might be… They might be… To burn off the whole arm. Okay. It’s easy to stand here and say that. However, counterpoint. You know when you’re eating and you take, like, one extra bite too much and you can feel yourself gain weight because your bra gets tight? You know what I’m talking about? [cheering] I call it “the thickening.” And, boys, you need to know about the thickening because so many of our behaviors as women, you’re like, “She just went crazy, everything was fine.” No, ’twas the thickening. It’s not you. You brought over a nice meal. It’s not your fault. The girl’s sitting there, “I’m having the best time,” and… Poof! [low-pitched] “Uh-oh!” “Get me out of here!” And you should know, once the thickening happens, it’s over, and it’s nothing you did. We need to go to a safe space and eat more food, okay? That’s what the thickening is. She’s not horny. You’ve got to get her out of there. No woman’s ever been like, “I just feel so gross.” “Let’s fuck it out of me!” It’s over. Give it a beat. I was feeling so bad about myself and so mad at myself and just awful, and my husband looks at me and he goes, “Well, I think you’re beautiful.” [audience] Aww! [growling] [low-pitched] “It’s not about what you think!” “It’s between me and her, and she doesn’t even know it!” And every night we’d go to bed, I would kiss my husband good night, and I would say, “I love you.” My husband would say, “I love you too.” And I would say, “Okay.” “Go to sleep.” And he’d roll over and he’d go to bed, and I’d roll over and stare at the door. Where bra would be hanging. And I’d look at her and she at me. And I’d whisper to her. And I’d say, “I love you.” And bra would look back at me and she’d say, [straining voice] “Let me die!” “I served you well.” “My cups runneth over.” “Seriously, you need to go up a band size.” And I’d say, “Please, don’t go.” “You could at least wash me!” I’m like, “I need you now more than ever.” “I can be useful in other ways.” “You can carry your jewelry in my cups.” “I could be stuffed into the shoe to keep its form.” It was like the end of The Giving Tree. “Cut off my straps and make me into a necklace for a village cat.” Only been married for four years, but in that short time, I have figured out what marriage is. Notice how everyone’s silent. All the long-haulers are like, “Let’s hear it, missy!” Marriage is, every morning for the rest of your life, waking up next to someone and having to hear a full report of how that person slept. And if you don’t act like this information is new… …and interesting, you are a monster. My husband does not sleep well. I know my husband does not sleep well because I sleep next to my husband. But part of my wifely duties is, every morning, I must play the part. I must get into character. I wake up, I see him. [exhales sharply] [wavering voice] “Oh!” “How did you sleep… …milord?” “Seems you’ve grown a tail.” Then my husband plays his part. “Who, me?” “Ohh!” “Not well.” And then I’m like, “Oh.” “That’s fascinating.” “Hmm. What could we do with this brand-new problem?” “Do you think you maybe, finally, want to see a medical doctor… …before I kill you?!” I don’t talk about my husband a ton in my act, but I did that joke for the first time a few weeks ago and he was on tour with me, and I came off-stage, I was like, [apologetically] “Is that okay?” And my husband was like, “No, it’s great.” “It’s great, it’s cool.” “It’s just really cool how only one of us has a microphone.” I was like, “What do you mean?” He’s like, “Like you never repeat yourself?” I’m like, “What do I repeat?” He’s like, “How many times a night do you yell at me to look at the dog?” “She’s a dog, and she’s naked. Look at her!” “Look at… she sleeps between my feet, I see her.” “She has tail and mouth.” “She has perfect nose-to-mouth ratio, one-to-one, never seen before.” “She’s just baby.” He’s like, “You know, we have a real baby.” “But this one has four feet!” “You can kiss this one deep in the mouth, you will not go to jail.” Don’t judge me. My husband has trouble sleeping. I actually have a little bit of trouble going to bed because, I don’t know if you’re like me, but I need to look at TikTok for six to eight hours before I… [high-pitched] Yeah! Oh, it’s my reward. I’m like, “I read a full paragraph of an actual book.” [high-pitched] Brrrrr! I will look at anything. I will Clockwork Orange my eyes open, and I will let it feed me conspiracy theories, ancient alien architecture, a Pomeranian in a raincoat, Taiwanese nail art, pizza-making tutorials, a duck walking across a deck. [imitating duck] I will look at lipless pit bulls, I don’t care. The other day, I watched a thick couple in rural Illinois do a custody exchange in the parking lot of a Hobby Lobby… …to a Jason Derulo song. And I double-tapped for part two. I… watched these two thumbs get out of their matching cherry-red F-250, swap kids, and the dad looks at the camera like he’s hosting American Idol and goes, “We’re divorced but we co-parent. How do we do it?” I’m like, “Probably a court order, Zeke.” Double-tap, part three. Then I watched them each get back into their truck next to their new spouse, who, let’s be honest, it’s the middle-of-nowhere America, looked identical to the melted vanilla pudding cup they left in the first place. Real lateral trade if you ask me. And then I double-tap for part four, it was a link to their family Etsy store. I bought a bandanna. Shop small, America. My biggest issue with social media is the commodification of intangible things, right? The commodification of mental health, for example, okay? So, what do I mean by that, America? Well, I mean this. Whatever you’re dealing with, no matter how niche or huge what you’re dealing with is, there is someone who knows exactly what you’re going through. They’ve written papers on your issue and gone to school for it. They are called doctors, and I will tell you what, America, after these last few years, those are the only people from whom I would like to hear. I don’t want your feelings to be facts, I’m not interested in alternative facts. I’m not interested in armchair psychology. I’m not interested in your trauma giving you the qualification to give some sort of medical advice, and don’t be so sure that the person on the other end of that TikTok actually cares about you. Remember, a look is a like, okay? A click is a like is a dollar. This is all being monetized, okay? So just be very careful because you don’t know who’s over there and what their intentions are. I only want to hear from doctors and scientists. I don’t want to hear from couples who think vanilla essential oils cure autism. I don’t want to hear from anyone who’s done their own “research,” personal facts, none of that. Because it finds you. You have to be clear about what you’re looking for, it will find you. You’re looking at those lipless bulldogs, like, “Baby needs a kiss on the mouth.” And they pop on like, “Hey there, just dropping in to remind you, make space for Grace.” You’re like, “Who the fuck is Grace?” Get out of here. There’s always some girl named Cheyenne with a dream-catcher tattoo. Like, “Hey there, just dropping on to remind you you are safe on this page.” No shit I’m safe, I’m taking a dump in my own home. Get out of here! Commodification of feminism is another one. To review, feminism is the idea that people should be treated equally. That’s it. It shouldn’t be politicized. And I understand that it has the prefix “fem,” so it’s like “ugh.” But in our third- and fourth-wave feminism, in an attempt to empower women, we’ve decided the best way to do that, to communicate with the masses, is to talk to women like they are fucking idiots. And we use a specific language. You’ve seen it. You’ve seen it in gift shops, you’ve seen it on thank-you cards, you’ve seen it on empowerment bags. You’ve seen this pejorative, infantilized, I call it “glitter speak.” You’ve seen it, splayed across RBG totes and “Michelle Obama on a unicorn” wine bottles. You’ve seen this language. “Yes, sassy bitch, sassy A-F, work, queen.” “Yes, girl, twerk it, mama. Rosé all day.” “Thiccck with three c’s.” “Workin’ and twerkin’.” “Not an entrepreneur, a she-entrepreneur.” “Not a boss, a boss bitch.” “‘Cause it’s different than a regular boss, like a boy.” “Boss bitch, yes, twerk, queen mama, thick raccoon bitch, do-it-all-day, bubble-gum mama thing.” “Yes, queen, work, bitch.” “Slay all day, mama.” They stole this language from Black gay trans drag queens and made it their own to sell you pencil bags. Who is this language good for? I don’t want to be a boss bitch. I don’t want be a bitch. That’s not nice. I want to be regular boss. You would be horrified if someone used this language in real life. So I don’t understand why we think it’s okay to just write it on everything. You’d be horrified, girls, if you were at work and your male boss went up to your male co-worker and was like, “Tom, good job.” “Keep it up, cowboy style, oorah,” and then… he turned to you and was like, “And to you, she-bitch… keep it up, thiccck-ass glitter queen.” “Yes, mama.” “Workin’ and twerkin’ on the weekend.” “Keep rewriting herstory, not history, right?” “You thick, juicy, empowered slut.” Who wants that? We like the idea of empowering women. In theory, that’s a really nice idea, but in practice we’re still uncomfortable with the idea of a strong woman who makes money. We want to promote the idea, like, “Yes, work, get that money.” But when you do, when a woman is a capitalist, it’s like, “Well, how are you considering other women and the planet and the animals?” “What are you doing to make sure… Have you apologized lately?” “What are you doing to stay humble?” We don’t like it when women are capitalists. We love it when men are unabashed and kicking in dicks. You ever see Realtor billboards outside, like in rural areas? It’s always some jackass in a ten-gallon hat and a gun, just like… [imitating gun cocking] “My name is Dan, and I’m the number-one Realtor on the south side of town.” “I’m Cowboy Dan and I will fuck your wife in your condo and sell it back to you with a 30% markup.” “Let’s do some paperwork.” “Come on, come here!” You never see that! [high-pitched] “Oh, Vigilante Dan! Oh, take all my money!” You never see a woman, like, “My name’s Vicky, and I got a fat vagina and a pistol, and you can ride this vagina to savings!” You never see that. Ever. And it’s easy for me to stand up here and tell you to be empowered and be strong, but we all know, when you’re a woman, the real world is very scary, and you will be dinged, you will be faulted for failing to not be perfect to everyone all the time. And what breaks my heart is that women can’t carry that strength all the time. And it breaks my heart when girls who really have done nothing get attacked. You go online, you see a girl, maybe she’s not the prettiest girl, right? And you know it took a lot for her to post a picture. And there’s always one comment from a private account, ’cause you know he’s brave… This poor girl took everything to post a picture, and it’s something about her weight or her gender or telling her to kill herself. “Why can’t you control yourself, you fat bitch?” Why can’t you control your thumbs, motherfucker, and just say nothing to this stranger? Ask any women in your life, you do not have to be famous for people to say vile things to you. It’s easy, we just say, “Just ignore it,” but you carry it with you. By the way, I don’t think it’s the gentlemen that are here, because if you buy a ticket to see me, you’re very smart. You’re a good guy, you are. And I love you. If you don’t know who I am and your girlfriend dragged you here, I have your money. I’ve got great news for you boys. If you’re ever online and see a girl that you don’t like for whatever reason, you don’t like the shape of her body, the cut of her jib, the size of her tooth, she’s only got the one, whatever, great news for you, boys, you don’t have to fuck her. Isn’t that great? We don’t have that program set up yet. That’s right, you don’t have to fuck her. You don’t have to patronize her business, you don’t have to pay her any mind, you never have to see her again, ’cause you have the power to take your probably very small finger and… [blows] …scroll right on by. That’s all you gotta do. Don’t pay your pain forward. I wish that women could speak to men in real life with the impunity with which you speak to us online. That’s what I wish, I wish there was a federal holiday every day where I could just tee off, no physical repercussions. I could be walking with a girlfriend, and one of you walk by, and I’d be like, “That one, I’m having a bad day.” “I’m gonna go off.” And she’d be like, “Don’t do it, you don’t know him.” “That’s the whole point of this holiday. Hey!” “You, yeah. It’s thinning up here, we can all tell, fuck you.” There is an anger toward women in our world, in our country. You can see it with the current legislation that’s being written. However, I wrote this joke before all this happened. Lucky for me, hating women is evergreen and so these jokes still work. But there is an anger toward women when they don’t give attention, a sexual experience, love, admiration, a conversation to an absolute stranger, and there can be deadly consequences for it. And that’s not her fault, but this is what happens. Now is the portion where I bring it down in order to bring it back up, here we go. That kid that shot up the University of Santa Barbara a couple years ago… I know, it is hard to keep them straight, America, but this one was different, because this kid wrote a whole manifesto about how women don’t pay attention to him and don’t sleep with him and this is what they deserve. That guy that shot up that Asian strip mall in Atlanta, he had a whole interview about how women don’t sleep with him and he’s alone and this is what they deserve. So now this next part, I’m going to be as clear as possible, because this is a Netflix special, so what I say next will be translated into hundreds of languages, and I want to be succinct and I want to be loud and I want to be clear, so here we go. [applause] [cheering] Gentlemen, if you are not having sex, and we’re not talking a dry spell, we’re not talking you’re a little shy, we’re not talking, “Your Aunt Sheila did a number on me, I gotta take a knee.” We’re not talking you swiped right, she had a tail. You didn’t know it till the Awesome Blossom came. We are talking, if you don’t have sex… and the narrative of your life is that you are not having sex because women are bitches, women are whores, you’re a nice guy and you deserve better… that is nature’s way of saying you should not be having sex, for you failed to adapt and evolve and there should be no more of your kind. If you can’t figure it out. And I understand, women cheer for that, most men do. Some men are reserved, I get it. I’m a girl, I’m not one of you. And you don’t know, “I don’t wanna cheer for that.” “Bros before hos, I’m leaving behind my guys.” “I can’t do that.” Yes, leave them! Leave the diseased portion of your herd that is broken. They’re giving you a bad name. We believe you are good. Come with us for snacks and sex and good-looking babies. And, gentlemen, if it still makes you uncomfortable, I get it. It might make you more comfortable to note that I stole that idea from a man named Charles Darwin. You can Wikipedia it, okay? It’s just evolution and adapting. Because here’s the truth, boys, it is so easy to get a girl. This is where I lose the women. You were on my side, “We’re outta here.” It’s so easy to get a girl. By virtue of the fact that there are more women than men on this planet, it means the odds are [British accent] ever in your favor, okay? The fact that women are brainwashed into thinking that we lose value as we get older, that’s not true, but as we get older, our standards aren’t lowered, but they are negotiable. So, you can get in there. And I know, I’m supposed to stand here and be like, “All women are fucking treasures,” and we are. “All women are She-Diva power bitches, that’s right.” “Diamonds in the muff.” “All women are delicate, beautiful flowers…” Some are. And some are total armadillos. And, boys, get you an armadillo. You get you a fully loaded armadilly with a CD changer and everything. Get in there. So many girls are like, “Am I an armadillo?” No. I’m afraid that when I say that, I’m gonna see that back door open and I’m just gonna see a shell and a tail. “I did not drive in all the way from Toledo to be told…” It is so easy to get a girl, gentlemen. All you got to do is show up. Just be good at… something. Women love a man with a purpose, even if it’s a dumb one. “I love model trains.” Like, “I’m there.” A girl… it doesn’t matter. He’s got a passion, it could be anything. You know what? Even fishing, someone will take you. Some woman will be like, “I’ll take him. So, is that a wide-mouth you caught?” “I can look at your Instagram where you’re holding all of them? I can’t wait.” You could be good at anything. You could be smart, that’s always a plus. You could be rich, obviously, good-looking, good at math. You could be nice. Turns out that’s attractive. Like, later in life. I know, men don’t… “I don’t want to be nice, I’m Rambo!” “I’m a badass. I don’t want to be nice.” “Nice guys finish last.” Yes. But at least they finish. You could be good with computers, you could be funny. – You could, honestly… [bottle rattles] You could be an alcoholic. You could be… Some girls like to party. You can be shy, that’s kind of cute. You can be nerdy. Some dorkstress. “I will roll the eight-sided die with thee.” Like, whatever. Honestly, sometimes you could just be tall. Like, for a little while, that’s enough. You could just be tall. All the 5’10” guys are like, “Fuck you, motherfucker, you could be tall.” “Try me alone, come here!” You could just be tall. You see the way girls’ eyes light up? “Tell us about your boyfriend.” [like valley girl] “Coleton, okay, well, he’s tall!” “Coleton, stand in the Zoom ’cause I want my family to see how tall you are, especially my sister, ’cause she’s a bitch, come here.” “Stand in the Zoom. Stand next to me.” [microphone thuds] [mouthing words] “Stop it.” “Put on a fucking towel, stop it.” “I’m not looking at that, stop it!” “Because the whole audience doesn’t realize it’s a dick, stop it!” You can get a girl, boys. Magicians have girlfriends. I’m not even talking like David Blaine, multimillionaire Vegas magician. We’re talking some guy doing sleight of hand at a bar mitzvah. He’s got a girl waiting in his Ultima in the parking lot. “That’s my baby!” In closing, been married for four years. I’m 39 years old. We have a beautiful little girl who just turned six months old. And before we had that beautiful little girl, about a year before, we thought we were going to have a baby and we had a miscarriage. And I don’t tell you that to garner sympathy or make anyone sad or bring the room down, Cleveland. I only tell you I had a miscarriage because I have a microphone, and we don’t talk about these things. [applause] And I’m not embarrassed about it. And maybe if we did talk about these things, maybe if we normalized these discussions, maybe if all discussions about women’s bodies weren’t hidden under a stack of cash, under a Bible, under a federal building, maybe… [cheering] If this happens to you, because it happens to three out of every ten women, it’s not that it would take the sting out of it, but you would know you’re part of a large group. You did nothing wrong. You’re not weird. You’re not bad. You certainly shouldn’t be prosecuted for it. [cheering] And you’ll be okay. But it wasn’t until I got pregnant that first time that I became personally in tune with how often women are asked about children. Prior to that, no one had ever asked me about children because I’m a stand-up comic. “Well, you’ll just die in a clown suit somewhere on a regional flight, won’t you?” But I realize how often people ask women about this, I didn’t get that before. Now, it’s totally normal and innocuous to ask a woman, “Do you have kids?” It’s an okay thing to ask because we’ll call it traditional. Someone had kids, that’s why we’re all in this room. It’s totally traditional for two humans regardless of gender to put their bodies together and then, through means of sex, science, or trade… …acquire smaller humans that they then put in their home and then subsequently put to work. Okay. That’s what’s done. It’s a little less traditional to be like, “We’re in a throuple and this is our tortoise.” But okay. However, you ask a woman, “Do you have kids?” and she says no, if she doesn’t continue that conversation, that’s not her in need of prompting. “Do you want kids?” She has her answer, she was just drawing a boundary. There’s no more information. We have to be okay with that. She has her answer and she’s thought a lot about it, and it’s personal to her, and that answer is somewhere in the realm of, “Yes, we do have kids.” “They’re weird-looking.” “Yes, we want them, we’re working on it, we’re fucking real hard.” “We’re not sure, it’s expensive, something’s wrong with me.” “More likely something wrong with him, we don’t know.” “Unclear, future’s uncertain, come back later,” or, “Fuck no, we love our tortoise.” Whatever the answer is. Whatever the answer, I promise you her answer is never that she forgot and thank God she ran into you at the dry cleaner’s. Because, Cleveland, I think it speaks to the constant conversations about women, rarely to our betterment, often to our detriment, and the misinformation and disinformation about vaginas, okay? Remember, there’s a lot of people making a lot of money off of you feeling bad about what’s normal about you, okay? We don’t have to make this political, we already did, but we can keep this social. We’ll keep it in pop culture, right? We’ll talk about all the things that we hear about this idea that she’s gotta keep it tight, right? “A loose woman”? You gotta keep it tight? Let’s put this to rest. ‘Tis tight! It’s tight. I understand if she’s had several children, it may not be that tight, but chances are, if she’s had several children, a tight vagina ain’t at the top of her priority list, okay? It’s tight enough. Work your pelvic core for your own health. But let’s put it this way, gentlemen. It’s tight enough for you and your five inches of fury, okay? Which is plenty. What’s with making women feel so insecure? How tight do you need it, boys? Are you fucking a dolphin blowhole? You’re fine. All right? You’re gonna have a good time. This idea that it tastes like candy. No candy! No candy for you! It’s a vagina, it’s a body part, okay? At its finest, it might be, what, a little metallic? I don’t fuckin’ know. Why would it taste like candy? What other part of your body are you like, “That is Ripple”? Like, it’s not… Girls are gonna feel bad that it doesn’t taste like candy, and you shouldn’t make it taste like candy, you’re gonna make it sick. That’s a problem. Makes girls feel bad. If he comes up from down there, like, “Green apple Jolly Rancher,” you better call an ambulance. Something went wrong. Then finally, this idea, the stigma, that you have to keep it clean. No! The vagina is self-cleaning. Okay? Leave it alone. Yeah, there’s a small chance you’re sick and you have to see a doctor, but for the most part, it is clean. You know what isn’t clean? Your penis. Yeah. I see you put it anywhere just for funsies, yeah. Don’t be tracking that through my house. Yeah. Okay? It’s clean. You don’t need to do anything to it. It has its own ecosystem, okay? You don’t need to clean it. You don’t need to put a Glade plug-in, okay? You don’t need to steam it, Gwyneth! You don’t need to vacuum it. It’s not the back seat of a Mazda. It’s clean! Okay? The vagina is its own ecosystem. The vagina has its own pH balance. That’s why it has its own smell and its own temperature. Your vagina, Cleveland, is like a rain forest in that it is dangerous, it could kill you, it is damp, and it needs government protection. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. [cheering and applause] [TimaLikesMusic playing “Party Goblin”] | [upbeat music playing] [crowd cheering] Cleveland, Ohio! Thank you! Thank you so much. This is so great. This is so nice to be here with you in public. We’re not stuck at home doing this for ten likes. Ah, that’s right, you danced. You know you did. It was a real blight on American history. No one wants to talk about how they danced, but people danced. They’re like, “If I do it enough, it’s my key to financial freedom.” “I don’t need to read a book.” “I’ll just do this for ten likes. I hope it works out for me.” No! You were never gonna make money dancing on TikTok. You want to know why? Because you’re ugly. It’s only for, like, 22-year-old smokin’ hot girls. They’re like, “It’s a skill,” and dude’s finger going now. “Oh, good job, Chloe.” Yeah. It was never gonna be your financial future. We got a whole microgeneration of kids now going for job interviews at, like, Bank of America. “It says here under ‘special skills, ‘ ‘Look up at Travis.'” He’s… Nothing? The dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok, okay? There is no music in real life, there is no editing. The dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Gentlemen, that would be very weird for you if you saw one of those dances in the wild. You’re out at a bar and look over on the dance floor and you see a girl just… You’d be like, “Oh, no. Hope she gets home okay.” The dances on TikTok were never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Let’s put this into some scene work. Before we get in the scene work, I just want to acknowledge this is my sixth Netflix special, and I built a career… [cheering] Good night. I’ve built a career the last five specials talking to people in general, but I always want girls to feel good, to know that I’m on their side. Yeah, I want you to do well. Yeah. But, boys, that doesn’t mean I’m not on your side. I’m on no one’s side. I want everyone to do well. And, boys, I want you to have the information and the wisdom nuggets that girls have, because I believe you are half the problem. So come along, let me teach you. It occurs to me now, I’m 39. I’m an elder millennial. I’m a mother. I have information. I remember dating, why waste all this information? So, this is for the young men in the crowd. We’re talking 30, younger, okay? The rest of you boys will die set in your ways, okay? For the young one. And the older guys are fine, they’re like, “Yeah, come and take it.” Okay. The younger ones, give me your squishy brains and let me help you, okay? Let me give you some pearls of wisdom to make it easier with the girls. So, the dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Gentlemen, let’s say you get a girl to go home with you. You get a girl to go back to your apartment by the grace of God, and you bring her back. You should know, boys, first of all, you get naked so fast. You’re like, “Do you wanna have sex?” The girl agrees, you sign the contract. It’s all good, NDA, done. She has barely even said, like, “Okay,” and you’re like, “You ready?” It’s like, “Is this America’s Got Talent?” Like, quick change, naked. Uh-oh. Is that made of Velcro? You get naked so fast, and then it’s uncomfortable because we’re sitting there as women, like, barely taking off our overalls. Like, “Oh, my God,” and you are naked, trying to make us comfortable, like, “Did you want a snack?” or… “You want soup?” “I have a cup of soup in the car.” While we appreciate that, you should know that’s uncomfortable because there’s us, half-naked in the corner, nervous. You are hovering over us, naked, trying to give us food. It feels like we’ve been kidnapped. “I promise you’re gonna like it here.” Okay. Getting naked should be a seductive dance, a back and forth. I take off my blouse, you take off your blouse. I wonder why he’s wearing a blouse, whatever. Back and forth. Instead, girls get nervous. Like, “Oh, don’t look.” “I know you’re going to be inside me soon, but don’t look at me naked.” He doesn’t care. “But I didn’t shave here.” He will rip it out with his teeth, he doesn’t fuckin’ care. Have some confidence. Men have Sasquatch bodies, and they’re like, “Isn’t it perfection?” And we’re… sculpted like, “I’m hideous! Oh, I didn’t shave my legs!” He doesn’t even know you have legs! He loves ya. Now you’re going to get in bed. Gentlemen, this is important. The way in which one gets into the bed, okay? ‘Tis a dance. When you prepare the bed, it should require multiple gestures of pulling back multiple sheetsss. Ssss! [whooshing] Sheet, top sheet, duvet, duvet cover, comforter, nano-blanket, teddy bear. Multiple. It’s a workout, not you grabbing a crusty sleeping bag, like, “Get it over.” “Who sprayed this down with Febreze? This is normally in the duck blind.” Ohio likes that one. “Yeah, we go huntin’.” And then the way you get into the bed, boys. This is paramount, okay? When you get in bed, it should be a simple motion, it’s just… [whoosh] …and then it’s… [pop] …and then one leg and then the other, okay? Now, what I’m about to paint for you is a memory that a lot of women have suppressed, and I’m gonna say it, and you’re gonna be like, “Oh, my God, Tom!” Like it’s… Boys, you get so excited that we’re gonna have sex. The girl’s trying to go to the bathroom, the guy’s like, “I’ll meet you in bed.” And then we see you hop into bed. Never. Don’t get giddy, okay? This is a serious sexual experience. I don’t want to see, “I’m Peter Pan!” We never want to see… “Yippity-skippity!” We never want to see you fawnlike, like, “Oh, I’m dainty,” in the bed, okay? In my life, I’ve never been naked and had both feet leave the ground. Do you know how big that spider would have to be for me to just forget about physics? That spider would have to have a gun. Like, “Dance!” No! And now I’m going to say this. This is indelicate, but it bears being said. Gentlemen, when you “yippy-skippy” into the bed, you know, you’ve got to clear the mattress so the human body naturally rounds, your spine naturally rounds, and you hunch over to dive in, and I’m just gonna say it, “We can see your butthole.” Don’t want to see that. That’s not nice, okay? I just ruined so many rides home tonight. “Did you see my butthole?” “Susan, did you see my asshole? I need to know!” Don’t make us see that. That’s a lot to reckon with, okay? As it is, we’re fine with your body. We don’t want to see… It’s too intimate. We don’t even know how much we like you. We don’t even know if we’re going to be together. We already know the sex will most likely be mediocre for the girl. And then if she accidentally gets pregnant, depending on the state, she will be forced to carry that child to term. [cheering and applause] Just so we’re clear and it’s on record, fiercely pro-choice. There is no other way to be, and if you want to… [cheering] Oh, yeah. I hope this goes around the world. And if you, for whatever reason your heart desires, you want to keep your baby, that is fine, I want you to keep your baby. Just don’t make that choice for other women, okay? Okay. Okay. Back to the butthole jokes. So… He’s in bed. He buttholed, he daintied. He’s in the bed, the girl’s in the bathroom. The premise of this joke, gentlemen, is TikTok dances are not sexual independent of the app of TikTok. The dances are not sexy. It would be weird for you boys. You’re in your weird bed, and the girl comes out and she’s fully naked, and she’s just like… He’s like, “You look good. Why don’t you get in bed?” “Oh, I’m going to.” “But first… I’m going to seduce you… …with a dance from TikTok!” Remember, there’s no music. There are no filters. Just you guttural breathing to an eight-count, like, “One, two, three, four!” Tits swinging like an orangutan. The 20-year-olds are like, “Those aren’t the dances.” Every guy in here is like, “I mean… not not hot.” “You are a woman breathing in my apartment, so… wouldn’t kick you out of bed, just wondered how long you were gonna stay.” So I do have a little girl, and I love her more than life itself. One of the weird parts about being pregnant are the mental hurdles. One of them is that you have to accept that you’re going to gain weight, which, if you’re a woman, you’ve been taught that’s an unforgivable sin, right? Whatever weight you were at 12, you’ve got to spend your life trying to get back to that. You’re gonna gain weight, you’re gonna need new clothes. I didn’t buy maternity clothes, I just wore leggings and T-shirts, but you got to get new underwear, new big-girl underwear, that’s right. And you’ve got to get a new bra. And I will tell you what, that was mentally very difficult. Because a woman’s relationship with her bra, particularly the ugly one, is sacred, all right? Every girl has an ugly bra. That’s right, every girl. I believe it’s what unifies every woman on this planet. We all got an ugly bra, and the bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is. That’s right. Every girl’s got an ugly bra. It’s the longest relationship you’ve ever been in. She is battle worn. Every man in this crowd is like, “I seen that bra.” I woke up the other night, bra was looking at me like, “Get out of here, motherfucker!” People don’t understand our connection to ugly bra. Like, “Why don’t you get rid of her? She’s so ugly.” And we’re like, “‘Cause she does me right and she’s a hard worker.” “She’s loyal.” The bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is. There’s some truth for you, yeah. If you’re working with anything over a C cup, I got you. I know that pain, I know how hideous our bras are, okay? So you are my people. Anything… and I know. People are like, “You’ve got big boobs, is that hard?” It fuckin’ is, okay? They gaslight you, that’s right. There’s where all the big tits are, yeah. The world wants you to have giant knockers, and then when you do, they give you no infrastructure to support them. All we want are cute bras. Instead they’re like, “Here’s a Soviet era wind sock.” “Just strap it on and help plow.” “Just do it.” You never got to wear the cute bras. Remember when you were a teenager? By the way, if you have smaller breasts, an A cup or a B cup, this is size-inclusive, but you don’t know! You don’t know what it was like being friends with you, and your girlfriends are like, “Let’s go to the mall.” Remember malls? And you go and they say, “Let’s go get cute bras at Abercrombie.” Remember Abercrombie? And you’d go with them, and they’re running forward, and you’re carrying around your grown woman divorcée chest. Like, “Wait for me!” “Can’t run, I’m not wearing two sports bras, I’m coming.” They’re all trying on cute bras, playing slap tickle. You’re just sitting there eating a slice from Sbarro. Like… “My mom’s getting me at two. I’ll just be here.” They’d have the cutest bras. I always wanted the cute bras. None for you. They’d come out cute. “Look at this one, it’s made of moose felt. Mmm.” “Mm. So bucolic. Look at this one, it’s got hearts on it.” “This one’s got little kisses on it.” “I’m a child. Isn’t it so cute?” “Aww! This one’s got feathers.” “This one’s just two contact lenses and dental floss.” “Bouncy.” Not me! Not me and every other big-breasted girl. We were getting hauled into some back-alley discount van where some Eastern European woman named Loretta is gonna hand-fit you, scoop each breast into its own personal hurt locker and jiggle your tits around in front of your mother! Just sitting there. You’ve never even made out with a boy. She’s just grabbing at you like, “How does this feel?” You’re like, “I’m kind of turned on. I don’t know!” Ugly bra comes in one color. And I can only describe it as like a gray beige. Like, if clammy were a color. Like, I don’t know whose skin tone they’re matching, but it’s offensive. Who looks like that? It’s like a drowned Caucasian. It’s just… no life to it. And sometimes, to put lipstick on that pig, they’ll take a thread of the same pukey color and they’ll sew in a floral scape, like, “Oh, thank you.” “Yeah, someone brought me flowers. Thank you.” “Oh, a rose, but the death of my self-esteem.” “Thank you so much.” Sometimes to gussy it up, they’ll put a little gold coin here. Who is that for? The guy’s already pumped to be there. What guy takes off her shirt, he’s like, “Jackpot, yeah”? “Ch-ching!” “Oh, El Dorado. I have riches for my lifetime.” I got one ugly bra that had a ruby, a ruby, right here. What the fuck, am I a troll doll? Why? Ugly bra comes in that one color. I think the part that adds insult to injury are the thick straps. “Thick-ass strap.” No girl wants that. No girl wants thick straps. As you get older or if you’re pregnant, you want the support, but when you’re younger, you don’t fuckin’ want that. I want a licorice whip, that’s it, tiny. Just a… [blows] …whisper of… You don’t want the thick straps, and you know what? You look at any magazine, any fashion shoot, and in movies, there’s all these girls with huge boobs and they Photoshop out the straps. They don’t want you to see that fuckin’ harness holding it all up. They know no one wants to see a model with a backstrap of bacon. They know… Girls in movies, the ingenue, she’s got big boobs and she’s running, and it’s always like a tank top, and the tank top’s always falling, right? We like our women half-dressed and distressed. Just like, “Oh, my God, I dropped everything.” “I’m such a klutz. Oops. Tank top fall. Mm.” “Ooh, it’s a clove cigarette, I’m complex. How am I gonna…” And then the bra strap falls down. “Mm, I’m a riddle.” “Oh! I work at a café one day a week.” In my life, my bra strap has never fallen down. This thing clocks in for a union job at 9 a.m. Works a 12-hour shift as a tension bridge. It’s not fallen down, okay? If my bra strap fell down, the next thing you’d hear is like, “Oh, fuck!” “I’m taking my things and I’m leaving, thank you.” You never see a hot girl, tank top strap falls down, and there’s just a seat belt. You never see it. Why those straps got to be so thick? In case I need to, what, pull an apple cart to market? I toured Europe and did that joke in Hungary, and they were like, [Hungarian accent] “Yes, woman needs to help.” The hooks are also a nightmare. Multiple hooks, okay? Anything over three hooks is not a bra, it is an ADT interlocking security approach. [imitating static] [robotically] “Enter passcode.” Nobody wants all those hooks. No girl wants multiple hooks, because after three hooks, it’s not even a bra, it’s a brassiere, and it’s a full approach. Every girl wants a bralette, that’s what every girl wants. The cute, like, fart of a bra, that’s what you want. Boys, I know, I’ve lost you. You’re like, “What the fuck is a bralette”? “Why is she speaking French?” I got you. A bralette is a butterfly burp of an undergarment. It’s not even a bra, it’s just two hummingbirds, one under each nipple. Just two cat whiskers holding the back together. It’s… [blows] …bralette! That’s what that is. Multiple hooks are a nightmare. You could hurt yourself. Why is it that the hardest thing in the world to do is when you get out of the shower and your skin is damp and you connect the hooks here… Help! Shredding your clavicle. “So, why are you in hospice care?” “Well, I pulled a back muscle putting on my bra, and I think it’s over.” Multiple hooks bother me. And I was thinking about it, like, why is this so triggering? And it goes all the way back to being a teenager, like most things, okay? Remember the first time you seriously made out with a boy, Ohio? So, what, 12, I don’t know. Remember the first time? Oh, I can go lower. Yeah, I’ve played Louisiana, we can go into the single digits. We’ll put it at a 16. We’ll put it at a nice, healthy “Jack & Diane,” all-American 16, okay? The first time you, like, really made out with a boy, right? You’re making out with him. You know, as the girl, you are harboring that secret. You know the multiple hook situation. You know the Rubik’s Cube of nylon and nickel that’s back there. That’s a fuckin’ cloth LSAT he’s going to have to pass. You know what’s back there. The boy has no idea, why would he? He’s never seen a bra before. All he knows is, “I caught a big one.” Like, he’s just excited. You know he’s going to have to contend with that, and you’re keeping that secret, like a bridge troll guarding a secret. Like, [high-pitched] “If you can solve these riddles three… …naked for you I shall be.” And you know it’s back there, and there’s that moment, there’s that moment where you’re making out, right? And he pulls away, and you’re like, “It’s time.” And he’s like, “Let’s do it. I need you.” “I fucking need this, Jeremy.” And he puts his head here. He pulls away from kissing so he can look over your back and look down at his work. Of course he has to look at your back, of course he needs his eyes on his paper. He can’t do that for the first time, sight unseen… [speaking gibberish] He can’t do that. “Yippity-skippity.” He can’t do that. No man has the natural dexterity of a doll brain surgeon. Why would you be able to intricately have that gorilla grip, to expand, contract? Why would you know? I know, all the lesbians are like, “We figured it out.” By the way, gentlemen, we want you to get it. We don’t want you to be embarrassed. No woman worth her salt wants that. We want you to succeed, right? We want you to take off our bras, and by the way, boys, that is your role. That is your job, to take off her bra. And this has nothing to do with feminism or gender roles. It has everything to do with no woman wanting to make this face. [ululates] “How was the date?” “It was great and then she flew out of the sunroof.” “We were making out in an Ultima.” And so there’s that moment where, like, he pulls away and he puts his head here, but you’ve never made out with a boy, and now you’re just a head floating on his shoulder. Like, “What do I do?” You can’t, like, “You got it, Trey.” “Keep going, Steven.” You can’t say anything, so you start kissing his shoulder, like… “You can do it! I don’t know…” “My curfew’s in ten minutes.” “I need to be shirtless in the back of my mom’s Maxima. Hurry!” And you watch as his little monkey paw goes behind your back. And you’re a young girl, and you don’t know you’re about to come in contact with your first lesson in male fragility. Because the hand goes behind the back, and he’s focused and it’s silent. And then for us girls, the next thing we hear is just… [inhales sharply] [low-pitched] “Motherfucker!” [high-pitched] “Calm down.” Unnecessary to have so many hooks. Unnecessary. I did that joke in Portugal, and this woman comes up to me after the show, and she was like 5’5″, and she comes up, this little old lady. There was no security, she just walked right up, and she just… She goes… [speaking gibberish] I was like, “Yes? Hello?” And she just goes, “I have six hook and never tell no one.” [whoosh] I’m like, “Catch her, grab her jewel.” You don’t need all the hooks, and I’ll tell you why. When you go home tonight and you take off your bra, you’ll notice only one hook is doing the work. ‘Cause these things aren’t structurally sound. It’s that middle hook that’s been stripped of its paint. The hook and eye are so warped, it looks like God touching man. [groans] Ugly bra’s important. It’s an important bond. Brought ugly bra on a recent trip, um… You know, the world opened in the last year or so, and I think I’m like a lot of people in that, when you had the chance to take a trip, you were like, “We gotta fuckin’ go.” “Pack the toothbrush, let’s go.” So we took, like, a anniversary, post-baby, babymoon, birth-iversary, work is hard, mix it all together, “we never take a vacation” trip. We went to Italy, and I’m going to admit something that no woman has ever admitted before, here I go. Um… we did not have a great vacation, and… it was my fault. [gasps] [applause] Thank you so much, good night. No, it was my fault. But here’s why it wasn’t my fault. I don’t know. Are you… a person who works? Are you a woman who works? Do you have a family? Do you have a passion in this world? Yeah. [cheering] Are you fucking tired? And not just tired from work, tired from living up to the expectations of everybody who comes in contact with you? It is exhausting. We need a break, and we’re always champion, like, “Oh, keep working,” and then it’s a joke when you’re tired, like, “Oh, my wife doesn’t want to have sex, she’s tired.” Not just tired, she wants to be dead for a week. She wants to be put in a medically induced coma, if, for nothing else, just to get rid of these bags so people stop asking her why she looks so tired. Yeah, I had just had a baby. I shouldn’t have gone, but I was like, “Get it while the gettin’ is good.” Body was different, mind was different. Exhausted from work, stressed out. Allergies, feeling nauseous. I think I took too much Ambien. Is anyone regulating this? And we get there, jet-lagged, and I am miserable. And to make it worse, everybody there, all the girls were like 25. “From Michigan!” And they were all, like, [like valley girl] “on their honeymoons with their baseball player husbands named Coleton.” “Hey!” “Coleton, come here.” “I’m flawless. Coleton.” “Blixly, Brangin, come here.” “Crackin’, come here.” What are we doing with these names, America? Like, why mess with normal names? No one thinks we’re from old-line British money. “Like, Huxton.” I’m sorry, are you a hotel lobby? What are these words? “Blisten, Blixon, Dasher, Dancer.” “Braxton, Higgs, Contraction, come here.” “Tinkle, come here, Triscuit. I married a kitten.” “Come here!” “Tinkle. I’m in a romper. Let’s take a picture.” Romping! Romping with Tinkle. Ruff! Boys, I know, again, I got you. “What the fuck is a romper?” I got you. Let me explain. A romper is a garment made for a toddler… [cheering and applause] …that, because of our society’s obsession with infantilizing women, we have convinced grown adult women that they need to wear, okay? Not one woman has ever put on a romper and then said, “And there’s so much room in the crotch.” I think it’s all a part of a giant plan to keep women down. Like, you’ll have CEOs, mothers, businesswomen walking into meetings, like, “Thank you for waiting.” Just tugging at it. You got to be smart to wear a romper, I hope you know that. You do. It’s a puzzle. ‘Cause there’s only enough cloth to cover one set of genitals adequately. Like, you can cover your nipples, but, Cleveland, your south mouth is out. Okay? It’s gonna be out. I’m a woman. When I put on my clothes, I should not have to decide if I’m going to dress to the left or the right. They’re all in rompers having the best time, and all the Italian women were stunning. Olive skin, designer outfits, wearing six-inch heels. Fuckin’ killing it on ancient cobblestone walkways, not missing a beat. Sitting there in fartable Umbros and orthotics, just eating. I’m just like, “It’s called parmesan. We’ll never see this cheese again.” “We should have it now.” “Load ‘er up on my bra, and I’ll pull it back to the hotel.” “It’s duty-free if you eat all of it.” Those women were so beautiful, and I would just look at them, snorting ham. And I would just be like, “You girls are so beautiful.” “This food here is so good. How are you not a thousand pounds?” And they would look at me and they would just be like… [blows out emphatically] “Because we smoke cigarette.” “We do not eat processed corn for every meal.” “American, you are disgusty.” And she was right. I was disgusty. But not of body, of heart and mind. I was feeling so bad for myself. Then I started to feel bad about how bad I was making myself feel. And if you’re like me, when I’m in a bad mood, nothing makes me feel better than dragging everyone down. Then I started to get mad at myself because I would look at these beautiful girls, who hadn’t just had a baby, and I would be like, “They’re making me feel bad about myself.” Which is insane, okay? They’re not making you feel anything. And it’s okay, it’s okay to look at other women and decide what you like about them that you might want for yourself, okay? And society will label you competitive, a word that we reserve as a positive for male CEOs, male athletes, and men in general, but if a woman makes herself better, “She’s competitive.” “Sit the fuck down.” It’s normal, it’s intelligent. It’s called fucking adapting. It’s called evolution. When I look at another girl, it’s not about disdain for her, it’s about looking at her and thinking, “What about you do I want to try for me?” That’s what we do. You are constantly… It’s a goose. You are constantly… okay. You are constantly submarine sonaring yourself off of other women. That’s how you improve. Life is not a vacuum. You have to take in everything around you. [imitating sonar emissions] “She has bangs, should I get bangs? Remember the 2000s? Don’t do it.” “She’s wearing a mustard jumper. Should I…” “No, mustard doesn’t look good on white people.” “Low-rise jeans? No, you just had a baby.” “High-waisted, elder millennial black-denim-till-you-fuckin’-die, sister.” Every girl does it. Admit it. Every girl does it. Don’t believe women that are like, “I don’t judge other women.” Yes, you do, and I judge you for lying about it, how’s that? It’s okay. It’s okay to even have a bad thought. Don’t share it, don’t be a fuckin’ monster. Every girl does that. You leave your house feeling great. You’re thriving, right? You just did, like, ten minutes of yoga, mostly Shavasana, but you still did it. You made a recipe for a green matcha oat latte you saw on TikTok. So you did that. And you’re feeling so good, right? You leave your house like, “I feel so lean, so good.” You see another girl, maybe she’s not the cutest, right? Maybe she has her own hermit crab shell. Who knows? At least she’s a homeowner, who knows? You see another girl, and for the quickest of seconds, you judge her. You’re like, “She’s not too cute.” Maybe she’s not. Maybe she’s wearing boot-cut jeans and wedges, who knows? Oh, my God, Cleveland, that’s bad, okay? We’ll cut that part. You see her and… It was bad. But you see another girl, and for the quickest of seconds, you’re just like, “Oh, she’s so cute, she’s trying. Mm.” “Why does she bother? I look so good. Oh.” And then you turn the corner and see one of those hot girls in the butterfly fart bras, and she looks beautiful even when she cries, and you’re like, “Why do I bother?!” [groaning] “Return me to the sea.” “Let my body break down into fossil fuels that I may fuel the yachts of hotter people.” Your partner just wants you to feel good, right? Your husband, your boyfriend, they want you to feel good. They don’t understand the complexity of self-loathing when it comes to being a girl. They don’t understand that everything is attached and nothing is an isolated incident, right? Men are able to compartmentalize, but they are simple. And I envy that. A guy can look at weight gain like an isolated thing. [low-pitched] “Well, I gained weight.” “Better remedy that with some bigger pants.” “Here we go.” “To the Dillard’s.” Not that simple for girls, is it? ‘Cause when we gain weight, it’s never just about the weight. Is it? No. It’s attached to many things because everything is everything and it’s all happening at once. “I gain weight because I don’t have a work/life balance because I hate my fucking job because I didn’t get the job I wanted because I didn’t go to school because the guy I was dating didn’t encourage me and I always date the wrong men.” That’s what it’s about. That’s what it’s about. We are constantly beating ourselves up as women, and we are constantly feeling bad. And then I started to feel bad about the fact that we feel bad, and I started to think on the fact that we have a mental illness in this country where, as totally normal women, we just feel bad about ourselves, or we just feel gross. At least once a day, if you’re an American woman, you will utter the phrase, out loud or to yourself, “I just feel so gross.” For what? For sweating? For working out, for not working out? For feeding yourself? For having sex? Okay, that one, I don’t know. He might be… They might be… To burn off the whole arm. Okay. It’s easy to stand here and say that. However, counterpoint. You know when you’re eating and you take, like, one extra bite too much and you can feel yourself gain weight because your bra gets tight? You know what I’m talking about? [cheering] I call it “the thickening.” And, boys, you need to know about the thickening because so many of our behaviors as women, you’re like, “She just went crazy, everything was fine.” No, ’twas the thickening. It’s not you. You brought over a nice meal. It’s not your fault. The girl’s sitting there, “I’m having the best time,” and… Poof! [low-pitched] “Uh-oh!” “Get me out of here!” And you should know, once the thickening happens, it’s over, and it’s nothing you did. We need to go to a safe space and eat more food, okay? That’s what the thickening is. She’s not horny. You’ve got to get her out of there. No woman’s ever been like, “I just feel so gross.” “Let’s fuck it out of me!” It’s over. Give it a beat. I was feeling so bad about myself and so mad at myself and just awful, and my husband looks at me and he goes, “Well, I think you’re beautiful.” [audience] Aww! [growling] [low-pitched] “It’s not about what you think!” “It’s between me and her, and she doesn’t even know it!” And every night we’d go to bed, I would kiss my husband good night, and I would say, “I love you.” My husband would say, “I love you too.” And I would say, “Okay.” “Go to sleep.” And he’d roll over and he’d go to bed, and I’d roll over and stare at the door. Where bra would be hanging. And I’d look at her and she at me. And I’d whisper to her. And I’d say, “I love you.” And bra would look back at me and she’d say, [straining voice] “Let me die!” “I served you well.” “My cups runneth over.” “Seriously, you need to go up a band size.” And I’d say, “Please, don’t go.” “You could at least wash me!” I’m like, “I need you now more than ever.” “I can be useful in other ways.” “You can carry your jewelry in my cups.” “I could be stuffed into the shoe to keep its form.” It was like the end of The Giving Tree. “Cut off my straps and make me into a necklace for a village cat.” Only been married for four years, but in that short time, I have figured out what marriage is. Notice how everyone’s silent. All the long-haulers are like, “Let’s hear it, missy!” Marriage is, every morning for the rest of your life, waking up next to someone and having to hear a full report of how that person slept. And if you don’t act like this information is new… …and interesting, you are a monster. My husband does not sleep well. I know my husband does not sleep well because I sleep next to my husband. But part of my wifely duties is, every morning, I must play the part. I must get into character. I wake up, I see him. [exhales sharply] [wavering voice] “Oh!” “How did you sleep… …milord?” “Seems you’ve grown a tail.” Then my husband plays his part. “Who, me?” “Ohh!” “Not well.” And then I’m like, “Oh.” “That’s fascinating.” “Hmm. What could we do with this brand-new problem?” “Do you think you maybe, finally, want to see a medical doctor… …before I kill you?!” I don’t talk about my husband a ton in my act, but I did that joke for the first time a few weeks ago and he was on tour with me, and I came off-stage, I was like, [apologetically] “Is that okay?” And my husband was like, “No, it’s great.” “It’s great, it’s cool.” “It’s just really cool how only one of us has a microphone.” I was like, “What do you mean?” He’s like, “Like you never repeat yourself?” I’m like, “What do I repeat?” He’s like, “How many times a night do you yell at me to look at the dog?” “She’s a dog, and she’s naked. Look at her!” “Look at… she sleeps between my feet, I see her.” “She has tail and mouth.” “She has perfect nose-to-mouth ratio, one-to-one, never seen before.” “She’s just baby.” He’s like, “You know, we have a real baby.” “But this one has four feet!” “You can kiss this one deep in the mouth, you will not go to jail.” Don’t judge me. My husband has trouble sleeping. I actually have a little bit of trouble going to bed because, I don’t know if you’re like me, but I need to look at TikTok for six to eight hours before I… [high-pitched] Yeah! Oh, it’s my reward. I’m like, “I read a full paragraph of an actual book.” [high-pitched] Brrrrr! I will look at anything. I will Clockwork Orange my eyes open, and I will let it feed me conspiracy theories, ancient alien architecture, a Pomeranian in a raincoat, Taiwanese nail art, pizza-making tutorials, a duck walking across a deck. [imitating duck] I will look at lipless pit bulls, I don’t care. The other day, I watched a thick couple in rural Illinois do a custody exchange in the parking lot of a Hobby Lobby… …to a Jason Derulo song. And I double-tapped for part two. I… watched these two thumbs get out of their matching cherry-red F-250, swap kids, and the dad looks at the camera like he’s hosting American Idol and goes, “We’re divorced but we co-parent. How do we do it?” I’m like, “Probably a court order, Zeke.” Double-tap, part three. Then I watched them each get back into their truck next to their new spouse, who, let’s be honest, it’s the middle-of-nowhere America, looked identical to the melted vanilla pudding cup they left in the first place. Real lateral trade if you ask me. And then I double-tap for part four, it was a link to their family Etsy store. I bought a bandanna. Shop small, America. My biggest issue with social media is the commodification of intangible things, right? The commodification of mental health, for example, okay? So, what do I mean by that, America? Well, I mean this. Whatever you’re dealing with, no matter how niche or huge what you’re dealing with is, there is someone who knows exactly what you’re going through. They’ve written papers on your issue and gone to school for it. They are called doctors, and I will tell you what, America, after these last few years, those are the only people from whom I would like to hear. I don’t want your feelings to be facts, I’m not interested in alternative facts. I’m not interested in armchair psychology. I’m not interested in your trauma giving you the qualification to give some sort of medical advice, and don’t be so sure that the person on the other end of that TikTok actually cares about you. Remember, a look is a like, okay? A click is a like is a dollar. This is all being monetized, okay? So just be very careful because you don’t know who’s over there and what their intentions are. I only want to hear from doctors and scientists. I don’t want to hear from couples who think vanilla essential oils cure autism. I don’t want to hear from anyone who’s done their own “research,” personal facts, none of that. Because it finds you. You have to be clear about what you’re looking for, it will find you. You’re looking at those lipless bulldogs, like, “Baby needs a kiss on the mouth.” And they pop on like, “Hey there, just dropping in to remind you, make space for Grace.” You’re like, “Who the fuck is Grace?” Get out of here. There’s always some girl named Cheyenne with a dream-catcher tattoo. Like, “Hey there, just dropping on to remind you you are safe on this page.” No shit I’m safe, I’m taking a dump in my own home. Get out of here! Commodification of feminism is another one. To review, feminism is the idea that people should be treated equally. That’s it. It shouldn’t be politicized. And I understand that it has the prefix “fem,” so it’s like “ugh.” But in our third- and fourth-wave feminism, in an attempt to empower women, we’ve decided the best way to do that, to communicate with the masses, is to talk to women like they are fucking idiots. And we use a specific language. You’ve seen it. You’ve seen it in gift shops, you’ve seen it on thank-you cards, you’ve seen it on empowerment bags. You’ve seen this pejorative, infantilized, I call it “glitter speak.” You’ve seen it, splayed across RBG totes and “Michelle Obama on a unicorn” wine bottles. You’ve seen this language. “Yes, sassy bitch, sassy A-F, work, queen.” “Yes, girl, twerk it, mama. Rosé all day.” “Thiccck with three c’s.” “Workin’ and twerkin’.” “Not an entrepreneur, a she-entrepreneur.” “Not a boss, a boss bitch.” “‘Cause it’s different than a regular boss, like a boy.” “Boss bitch, yes, twerk, queen mama, thick raccoon bitch, do-it-all-day, bubble-gum mama thing.” “Yes, queen, work, bitch.” “Slay all day, mama.” They stole this language from Black gay trans drag queens and made it their own to sell you pencil bags. Who is this language good for? I don’t want to be a boss bitch. I don’t want be a bitch. That’s not nice. I want to be regular boss. You would be horrified if someone used this language in real life. So I don’t understand why we think it’s okay to just write it on everything. You’d be horrified, girls, if you were at work and your male boss went up to your male co-worker and was like, “Tom, good job.” “Keep it up, cowboy style, oorah,” and then… he turned to you and was like, “And to you, she-bitch… keep it up, thiccck-ass glitter queen.” “Yes, mama.” “Workin’ and twerkin’ on the weekend.” “Keep rewriting herstory, not history, right?” “You thick, juicy, empowered slut.” Who wants that? We like the idea of empowering women. In theory, that’s a really nice idea, but in practice we’re still uncomfortable with the idea of a strong woman who makes money. We want to promote the idea, like, “Yes, work, get that money.” But when you do, when a woman is a capitalist, it’s like, “Well, how are you considering other women and the planet and the animals?” “What are you doing to make sure… Have you apologized lately?” “What are you doing to stay humble?” We don’t like it when women are capitalists. We love it when men are unabashed and kicking in dicks. You ever see Realtor billboards outside, like in rural areas? It’s always some jackass in a ten-gallon hat and a gun, just like… [imitating gun cocking] “My name is Dan, and I’m the number-one Realtor on the south side of town.” “I’m Cowboy Dan and I will fuck your wife in your condo and sell it back to you with a 30% markup.” “Let’s do some paperwork.” “Come on, come here!” You never see that! [high-pitched] “Oh, Vigilante Dan! Oh, take all my money!” You never see a woman, like, “My name’s Vicky, and I got a fat vagina and a pistol, and you can ride this vagina to savings!” You never see that. Ever. And it’s easy for me to stand up here and tell you to be empowered and be strong, but we all know, when you’re a woman, the real world is very scary, and you will be dinged, you will be faulted for failing to not be perfect to everyone all the time. And what breaks my heart is that women can’t carry that strength all the time. And it breaks my heart when girls who really have done nothing get attacked. You go online, you see a girl, maybe she’s not the prettiest girl, right? And you know it took a lot for her to post a picture. And there’s always one comment from a private account, ’cause you know he’s brave… This poor girl took everything to post a picture, and it’s something about her weight or her gender or telling her to kill herself. “Why can’t you control yourself, you fat bitch?” Why can’t you control your thumbs, motherfucker, and just say nothing to this stranger? Ask any women in your life, you do not have to be famous for people to say vile things to you. It’s easy, we just say, “Just ignore it,” but you carry it with you. By the way, I don’t think it’s the gentlemen that are here, because if you buy a ticket to see me, you’re very smart. You’re a good guy, you are. And I love you. If you don’t know who I am and your girlfriend dragged you here, I have your money. I’ve got great news for you boys. If you’re ever online and see a girl that you don’t like for whatever reason, you don’t like the shape of her body, the cut of her jib, the size of her tooth, she’s only got the one, whatever, great news for you, boys, you don’t have to fuck her. Isn’t that great? We don’t have that program set up yet. That’s right, you don’t have to fuck her. You don’t have to patronize her business, you don’t have to pay her any mind, you never have to see her again, ’cause you have the power to take your probably very small finger and… [blows] …scroll right on by. That’s all you gotta do. Don’t pay your pain forward. I wish that women could speak to men in real life with the impunity with which you speak to us online. That’s what I wish, I wish there was a federal holiday every day where I could just tee off, no physical repercussions. I could be walking with a girlfriend, and one of you walk by, and I’d be like, “That one, I’m having a bad day.” “I’m gonna go off.” And she’d be like, “Don’t do it, you don’t know him.” “That’s the whole point of this holiday. Hey!” “You, yeah. It’s thinning up here, we can all tell, fuck you.” There is an anger toward women in our world, in our country. You can see it with the current legislation that’s being written. However, I wrote this joke before all this happened. Lucky for me, hating women is evergreen and so these jokes still work. But there is an anger toward women when they don’t give attention, a sexual experience, love, admiration, a conversation to an absolute stranger, and there can be deadly consequences for it. And that’s not her fault, but this is what happens. Now is the portion where I bring it down in order to bring it back up, here we go. That kid that shot up the University of Santa Barbara a couple years ago… I know, it is hard to keep them straight, America, but this one was different, because this kid wrote a whole manifesto about how women don’t pay attention to him and don’t sleep with him and this is what they deserve. That guy that shot up that Asian strip mall in Atlanta, he had a whole interview about how women don’t sleep with him and he’s alone and this is what they deserve. So now this next part, I’m going to be as clear as possible, because this is a Netflix special, so what I say next will be translated into hundreds of languages, and I want to be succinct and I want to be loud and I want to be clear, so here we go. [applause] [cheering] Gentlemen, if you are not having sex, and we’re not talking a dry spell, we’re not talking you’re a little shy, we’re not talking, “Your Aunt Sheila did a number on me, I gotta take a knee.” We’re not talking you swiped right, she had a tail. You didn’t know it till the Awesome Blossom came. We are talking, if you don’t have sex… and the narrative of your life is that you are not having sex because women are bitches, women are whores, you’re a nice guy and you deserve better… that is nature’s way of saying you should not be having sex, for you failed to adapt and evolve and there should be no more of your kind. If you can’t figure it out. And I understand, women cheer for that, most men do. Some men are reserved, I get it. I’m a girl, I’m not one of you. And you don’t know, “I don’t wanna cheer for that.” “Bros before hos, I’m leaving behind my guys.” “I can’t do that.” Yes, leave them! Leave the diseased portion of your herd that is broken. They’re giving you a bad name. We believe you are good. Come with us for snacks and sex and good-looking babies. And, gentlemen, if it still makes you uncomfortable, I get it. It might make you more comfortable to note that I stole that idea from a man named Charles Darwin. You can Wikipedia it, okay? It’s just evolution and adapting. Because here’s the truth, boys, it is so easy to get a girl. This is where I lose the women. You were on my side, “We’re outta here.” It’s so easy to get a girl. By virtue of the fact that there are more women than men on this planet, it means the odds are [British accent] ever in your favor, okay? The fact that women are brainwashed into thinking that we lose value as we get older, that’s not true, but as we get older, our standards aren’t lowered, but they are negotiable. So, you can get in there. And I know, I’m supposed to stand here and be like, “All women are fucking treasures,” and we are. “All women are She-Diva power bitches, that’s right.” “Diamonds in the muff.” “All women are delicate, beautiful flowers…” Some are. And some are total armadillos. And, boys, get you an armadillo. You get you a fully loaded armadilly with a CD changer and everything. Get in there. So many girls are like, “Am I an armadillo?” No. I’m afraid that when I say that, I’m gonna see that back door open and I’m just gonna see a shell and a tail. “I did not drive in all the way from Toledo to be told…” It is so easy to get a girl, gentlemen. All you got to do is show up. Just be good at… something. Women love a man with a purpose, even if it’s a dumb one. “I love model trains.” Like, “I’m there.” A girl… it doesn’t matter. He’s got a passion, it could be anything. You know what? Even fishing, someone will take you. Some woman will be like, “I’ll take him. So, is that a wide-mouth you caught?” “I can look at your Instagram where you’re holding all of them? I can’t wait.” You could be good at anything. You could be smart, that’s always a plus. You could be rich, obviously, good-looking, good at math. You could be nice. Turns out that’s attractive. Like, later in life. I know, men don’t… “I don’t want to be nice, I’m Rambo!” “I’m a badass. I don’t want to be nice.” “Nice guys finish last.” Yes. But at least they finish. You could be good with computers, you could be funny. – You could, honestly… [bottle rattles] You could be an alcoholic. You could be… Some girls like to party. You can be shy, that’s kind of cute. You can be nerdy. Some dorkstress. “I will roll the eight-sided die with thee.” Like, whatever. Honestly, sometimes you could just be tall. Like, for a little while, that’s enough. You could just be tall. All the 5’10” guys are like, “Fuck you, motherfucker, you could be tall.” “Try me alone, come here!” You could just be tall. You see the way girls’ eyes light up? “Tell us about your boyfriend.” [like valley girl] “Coleton, okay, well, he’s tall!” “Coleton, stand in the Zoom ’cause I want my family to see how tall you are, especially my sister, ’cause she’s a bitch, come here.” “Stand in the Zoom. Stand next to me.” [microphone thuds] [mouthing words] “Stop it.” “Put on a fucking towel, stop it.” “I’m not looking at that, stop it!” “Because the whole audience doesn’t realize it’s a dick, stop it!” You can get a girl, boys. Magicians have girlfriends. I’m not even talking like David Blaine, multimillionaire Vegas magician. We’re talking some guy doing sleight of hand at a bar mitzvah. He’s got a girl waiting in his Ultima in the parking lot. “That’s my baby!” In closing, been married for four years. I’m 39 years old. We have a beautiful little girl who just turned six months old. And before we had that beautiful little girl, about a year before, we thought we were going to have a baby and we had a miscarriage. And I don’t tell you that to garner sympathy or make anyone sad or bring the room down, Cleveland. I only tell you I had a miscarriage because I have a microphone, and we don’t talk about these things. [applause] And I’m not embarrassed about it. And maybe if we did talk about these things, maybe if we normalized these discussions, maybe if all discussions about women’s bodies weren’t hidden under a stack of cash, under a Bible, under a federal building, maybe… [cheering] If this happens to you, because it happens to three out of every ten women, it’s not that it would take the sting out of it, but you would know you’re part of a large group. You did nothing wrong. You’re not weird. You’re not bad. You certainly shouldn’t be prosecuted for it. [cheering] And you’ll be okay. But it wasn’t until I got pregnant that first time that I became personally in tune with how often women are asked about children. Prior to that, no one had ever asked me about children because I’m a stand-up comic. “Well, you’ll just die in a clown suit somewhere on a regional flight, won’t you?” But I realize how often people ask women about this, I didn’t get that before. Now, it’s totally normal and innocuous to ask a woman, “Do you have kids?” It’s an okay thing to ask because we’ll call it traditional. Someone had kids, that’s why we’re all in this room. It’s totally traditional for two humans regardless of gender to put their bodies together and then, through means of sex, science, or trade… …acquire smaller humans that they then put in their home and then subsequently put to work. Okay. That’s what’s done. It’s a little less traditional to be like, “We’re in a throuple and this is our tortoise.” But okay. However, you ask a woman, “Do you have kids?” and she says no, if she doesn’t continue that conversation, that’s not her in need of prompting. “Do you want kids?” She has her answer, she was just drawing a boundary. There’s no more information. We have to be okay with that. She has her answer and she’s thought a lot about it, and it’s personal to her, and that answer is somewhere in the realm of, “Yes, we do have kids.” “They’re weird-looking.” “Yes, we want them, we’re working on it, we’re fucking real hard.” “We’re not sure, it’s expensive, something’s wrong with me.” “More likely something wrong with him, we don’t know.” “Unclear, future’s uncertain, come back later,” or, “Fuck no, we love our tortoise.” Whatever the answer is. Whatever the answer, I promise you her answer is never that she forgot and thank God she ran into you at the dry cleaner’s. Because, Cleveland, I think it speaks to the constant conversations about women, rarely to our betterment, often to our detriment, and the misinformation and disinformation about vaginas, okay? Remember, there’s a lot of people making a lot of money off of you feeling bad about what’s normal about you, okay? We don’t have to make this political, we already did, but we can keep this social. We’ll keep it in pop culture, right? We’ll talk about all the things that we hear about this idea that she’s gotta keep it tight, right? “A loose woman”? You gotta keep it tight? Let’s put this to rest. ‘Tis tight! It’s tight. I understand if she’s had several children, it may not be that tight, but chances are, if she’s had several children, a tight vagina ain’t at the top of her priority list, okay? It’s tight enough. Work your pelvic core for your own health. But let’s put it this way, gentlemen. It’s tight enough for you and your five inches of fury, okay? Which is plenty. What’s with making women feel so insecure? How tight do you need it, boys? Are you fucking a dolphin blowhole? You’re fine. All right? You’re gonna have a good time. This idea that it tastes like candy. No candy! No candy for you! It’s a vagina, it’s a body part, okay? At its finest, it might be, what, a little metallic? I don’t fuckin’ know. Why would it taste like candy? What other part of your body are you like, “That is Ripple”? Like, it’s not… Girls are gonna feel bad that it doesn’t taste like candy, and you shouldn’t make it taste like candy, you’re gonna make it sick. That’s a problem. Makes girls feel bad. If he comes up from down there, like, “Green apple Jolly Rancher,” you better call an ambulance. Something went wrong. Then finally, this idea, the stigma, that you have to keep it clean. No! The vagina is self-cleaning. Okay? Leave it alone. Yeah, there’s a small chance you’re sick and you have to see a doctor, but for the most part, it is clean. You know what isn’t clean? Your penis. Yeah. I see you put it anywhere just for funsies, yeah. Don’t be tracking that through my house. Yeah. Okay? It’s clean. You don’t need to do anything to it. It has its own ecosystem, okay? You don’t need to clean it. You don’t need to put a Glade plug-in, okay? You don’t need to steam it, Gwyneth! You don’t need to vacuum it. It’s not the back seat of a Mazda. It’s clean! Okay? The vagina is its own ecosystem. The vagina has its own pH balance. That’s why it has its own smell and its own temperature. Your vagina, Cleveland, is like a rain forest in that it is dangerous, it could kill you, it is damp, and it needs government protection. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. [cheering and applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-total-blackout-the-tamborine-extended-cut-transcript/ | Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut – Transcript | chris rock | [Jimmy Fallon] Were you at the, uh, White House party? [Chris Rock] Yes, I was at the White House. Everybody was there. It was like… whoa. The last party at the White House… [chuckles softly] You been to the White House? [Jimmy] Yes. It’s amazing. [Jimmy] It’s unbelievable. You walk in, you see these humongous portraits of the presidents everywhere you go, right? So I’m there, and it’s me, and Ahmir is there, and Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Oprah, Steve… It’s like I died and went to Black heaven, right? [audience laughing] [Chris chuckles] They were all… [Jimmy] Something to see. It was unbelievable. There were a few white people there, too. But, uh… A couple… Kid Rock or somebody. Anyway… [audience laughing] [chuckling] Somebody… Katie Couric or something. And… [both laughing] They had a couple. [Jimmy] Sure. There’s a lot more now, I’ll tell you that. And… So… [chuckles] It’s a lot more now. [Jimmy laughing] Yeah. And they had entertainment… You’re sitting around, you’re meeting people, and you mingle, first you mingle. And at one point, it’s me and Michelle Obama just talking. I’m not really supposed to be alone with Michelle Obama. It’s not really my lane. I don’t know how to talk politics. And Michelle Obama’s like, “I don’t know what we’re gonna do. The country…” We’re talking about election and stuff. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen. This is such a crazy time.” And I go, “You’ll be aight.” That’s… I literally said that. I said that to Michelle. I said “You’ll be aight.” [Jimmy] To the First Lady. And then I said, “You know… you’ll get any kind of job you want. I mean, The View, The Housewives of Atlanta.” And she goes… And Michelle Obama looks at me and is like, “I was talking about the country. I wasn’t talking about me.” The Housewives of Atlanta. “I was talking about the country.” And I’d never felt so stupid in my life. It’s like my GED flared up, you know? And she gives me a look like, “Who let this n*gga in my house?” She didn’t say that, but that’s what the look was like. And then she goes, “Oprah, I gotta talk to you.” And she runs away from me, and then I’m feeling dumb. I’m like, “Okay, I gotta find some people as dumb as me.” I gotta find my intelligence, so I’m like, “Okay, where the athletes at?” Right? “Where are the athletes?” Then I see Charles Barkley like, “Ah, my n*gga.” Right? [all laughing] So… I see Charles Barkley, we talk for a minute, right? And then they ring a bell, and you gotta go watch the entertainment. So it’s me, Charles Barkley and Jay-Z going to this room to watch the entertainment. First it was, uh, Herbie Hancock and he was amazing, like… [imitates guitar] Then Stevie Wonder kinda snatches the mic from Herbie Hancock, right? And starts playing his stuff and puts some extra blind in it. You know what I mean? Like, puts some, like… Puts some extra… [all laughing] You know what I mean? So Stevie… [man] Check please. You know, ’cause Stevie’s been in the White House more than most presidents. So when he acts like he don’t know where he’s going, he’s lying, right? He’s been there for nine presidents, right? So… So Stevie’s playing and me and Jay-Z get sad, ’cause we realize we’re never gonna play the White House. [Jimmy] Yeah. I mean, he’s never gonna be like… ♪ Jigga, what’s my motherfucking name? ♪ That’s never gonna happen. [Jimmy] I don’t see it. That’s not gonna happen. Not with one… We’re only on first Black president. [Jimmy] That’s right. Black President 12, there might be a Wu-Tang reunion, but not… Not… Not now. [Jimmy] Not now. Not gonna happen. Not while we’re in the single digits of Black presidents, right? So… [chuckles] Then the party started, and Quest starts playing music, and it’s amazing. And we’re dancing and it’s a bunch of Black people dancing our asses off. It is amazing. In this place… In a place that slaves made. Okay? In a house that slaves… Black people enjoying the White House, man. Just amazing. And Sasha, Malia and the Obamas saying goodbye to people and everything. And as I’m walking out the White House, I look up on the wall and I see a picture of George Washington with a bloody tear coming out of his eye. It’s like… Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut [audience cheering] Chris Rock! [“Backseat Freestyle” by Kendrick Lamar playing] ♪ Uh, Martin had a dream ♪ ♪ Martin had a dream ♪ ♪ Kendrick have a dream ♪ ♪ All my life I want money and power ♪ ♪ Respect my mind Or die from lead shower ♪ ♪ I pray my dick Get big as the Eiffel Tower ♪ ♪ So I can fuck the world for 72 hours ♪ ♪ Goddamn I feel amazin’ ♪ ♪ Damn, I’m in the Matrix ♪ ♪ My mind is livin’ on cloud nine… ♪ [Chris] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit your asses down. Please let me get on with this show. It’s nice to be here in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, where I’m from. Bed-Stuy, do or die. Right? Home of Biggie and Jay. Yes, I’m back. I’m in the neighborhood. You know, the more things change, the more things stay the same. I’m walking around, looking around today, and I wonder… You would think that cops would occasionally shoot a white kid just to make it look good. You would think that every couple of months, they’d look at their dead n*gga calendar and go, “Oh, my God. We’re up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick.” “Which one?” “Ah, the first one you see singing Cardi B.” That’s right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world with real equality. I wanna live in a world where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I wanna see white mothers on TV crying, standing next to Al Sharpton… talking about, “We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice. No justice, no quiche.” I know some people, like, “Come on, Chris. You’re going too hard on the cops, man. You’re a celebrity. I’m sure they’d let you go. I’m sure they’re nice to you. You’re a celebrity.” Yeah, I’m famous, you know. But I’m not like Michael Jackson famous. I’m not famous from miles away. My fame kicks in right about here. When the cops see me walking down the street, they’re like, “N*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga.” “Hey, that’s Chris Rock!” “Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man.” It’s weird, man. It’s weird. This whole thing with the cops, man. ‘Cause as a Black man, you have a… Especially a grown Black man. I have a weird relationship with the cops, man. Like on one hand, I’m a Black man, so I’m like, “Fuck the police.” And on the other hand, I own property. If somebody comes and breaks in my house, I’m not calling the Crips. “Uh, yo, Crips, can you send Little JJ down?” “Oh, he’s here already?” “My bad. My bad.” Here’s the thing with the cops, though. I mean, being a cop’s a hard job, man. It’s a hard fucking job, man. I mean, honestly, I don’t think they pay cops enough. I don’t think they pay police enough… [scattered applause] …and you get what you pay for. [chuckling] But here’s the thing, man. Whenever the cops gun down an innocent Black man, they always say the same things. It’s like, “Well, it’s not most cops. It’s just a few bad apples.” “It’s just a few bad apples.” “Bad apple”? That’s a lovely name for “murderer.” I was like, “How’d they get that one? ‘Bad apple,’ that almost sounds nice.” I mean, I’ve had a bad apple. It was tart. But it didn’t choke me out. Here’s the thing. I know it’s hard being a cop. I know it’s hard. I know that shit’s dangerous. I know it is, okay? But some jobs can’t have bad apples, okay? Some jobs, everybody got to be good. Like… pilots. You know? American Airlines can’t be, like, “Most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.” Yeah, man. This cop shit ain’t gonna stop, man. But racism is not gonna stop. It ain’t never stopping. It’s the American way, man. They used to have signs up that said, “Whites only.” They used to have signs up that said, “No Blacks allowed.” Now they got something new. It’s called prices. That’s right. Prices are the new Jim Crow. The Four Seasons hotel does not say, “No Blacks allowed.” But a $4,000-a-night hotel suite sure does. That ought to handle your n*gga problem right there. Prices are the new Jim Crow, baby. You know, Whole Foods does not say, “No Blacks allowed.” But a seven-dollar orange sure does. It says they don’t want my Black ass in here. A couple of white people are going, “They don’t want us in here either.” Fuck Whole Foods, I need some Half Foods. America’s insane, man. You gotta get your kids ready for the white man. If you’re not, then you’re fucking up as a parent, okay? I’ve been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born, okay? But even before they was born, I’ve been preparing them for the white man. Yeah. That’s right. At my house, we don’t have fire drills, we have whiter drills. So ever since my kids were born, I’ve been getting them ready for the white man. So everything in my house that’s the color white is either hot, heavy or sharp. So my kids know when they deal with anything white, they gotta think about that shit. They got to contemplate this shit. “Ooh. This napkin, okay. Should I wipe my mouth with it or is that what Whitey wants me to do?” Ever since they was born, everything in my house, hot, heavy, or sharp. They sit on a white toilet seat, burn their ass. “Daddy, my ass is burning.” “It’s white, motherfucker, it’s white. That’s what Whitey do.” “He burn your fucking ass. Pay attention!” Shit, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds. “Daddy. Dad, it’s so heavy. It’s so heavy. This hurts. I can’t even stand. I can’t even stand.” “It’s white, motherfucker, it’s white. That’s what Whitey do. He break your back.” At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream with glass in it. “Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding.” “You should’ve gotten chocolate.” Oh, y’all think I’m joking, huh? I go hard, too. I go fucking hard, man. I got girls and I go hard. So if you got a Black son, you gotta just punch him in the face. As soon as he wakes up, it’s like, “Morning, n*gga.” Pow! Shit, if you got a Black son and you don’t punch him in the face, that’s child abuse. Shit, that’s right, man. Some people say young Black teenagers are an endangered species. But that’s not true. ‘Cause endangered species are protected by the government. Yo, man. You got to beat your Black son good. You got to whoop that ass. It’s important that he follows your instructions. ‘Cause, hey, ’cause the world is fucked up, man. We’ve got a fucked up justice system, okay? We’ve got a justice system for Black, for white, for rich, for poor. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime, in the exact same place, at the exact same time, and get different sentences. Yo. Yo, the justice system in America should be just like Walmart. Should be just like Walmart. Like, “Hey. If you can find a lighter sentence, we’ll match it.” “They gave that white boy two years for a kilo.” “It’s good, I’ll take that.” Cops shooting motherfuckers, man. You know, we got cop problems, prices problems, we got some gun problems. This gun shit ain’t going nowhere, okay? Gun control. There ain’t never gonna be no gun control. Okay? You talk about it too long and you will get shot. They will shoot your ass, okay? One of the reasons is ’cause we all love guns. Love guns. I had a gun. That’s right, comedian with a gun. Ooh, they’re not laughing. Bang! Yeah, man. We don’t care. America don’t care about no guns. You shoot up a church, nobody cared. You shot up a school, nobody cared, man. You shot up a theatre, people are like, “Should have had Netflix.” That’s right. They’re never, ever changing the gun laws. Somebody gets gunned down, you see that shit on TV, next thing you know, you watch TV and all you hear are clichés. You know? Fifty people, sixty people, that many people, whatever, dead. And somebody comes on and goes, “Well, we can’t change the gun laws ’cause Americans need the right to hunt. They need to hunt.” It was like, “Really?” Hunting’s that fucking important? I mean, I’ve been hunting. I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina. When hunting with my grandfather, I shot a rabbit. I cried. He called me a fa*got. And he’s a preacher. They are never changing the gun laws, no matter what, man. They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, okay? And somebody will come on TV, you know, they’ll just talk, like, “Hey, you know, guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” That’s what they’ll say. They’ll shoot 100 people and somebody will go, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” “As a matter of fact, if the gunman would have had a knife, he could have stabbed 100 people to death.” That’s what they say. They actually say that shit. On TV. Could have stabbed 100 people? Yo, check this out. If 100 people ever got stabbed at the same time, in the same place, by the same person, you know what that would mean? Ninety-seven people deserve to die. What, you just watching this shit? “Oh, shit, somebody got stabbed.” “Ooh, they stabbed somebody else.” “Ooh, they stabbed somebody else.” “Ooh, they getting closer.” “Ooh, he stabbed me. I didn’t see that coming.” “Ooh, he stabbed the lady behind me.” “He’s a stabbing fool. I guess that’s why they call him Stabby.” They are never changing none of this gun shit, man. But you watch the news and it’s like, “Well, we can’t change the gun laws because every American has the right to protect their home.” Every American has the right to protect their home. That’s true, they got that right. But you ever notice that almost all the mass shooters, none of them own homes? They all live with their fucking mothers. No, man. They gotta change the gun laws. Here’s the deal. Here’s what I think. I think, in order for you to get a gun in the United States of America, you should have to have a mortgage. That’s right. That’s a background check for your ass. Shit, if you got a 739 credit score, you ain’t killing nobody. See, the mortgage make you act right. How many times you been ready to quit your job? Just ready to quit. Like, “I can’t take this shit. These people don’t know how to use me. My skills are going to waste. I’m too smart for these people. I’m going in there tomorrow, and I’mma quit this job.” And you walk in there, and you think you gonna quit, and you see that boss and you think, “That fucking mortgage. I’mma be here 30 more years. If I’m lucky.” Shit, having a mortgage make you act right. How many times you been ready to smack the shit out of somebody at work? Just smack… Yeah, I ain’t the only one. Just ready to smack the shit, like, “I can’t believe this motherfucker think they can talk to me this way. Tomorrow, I’mma smack the shit out this one.” You start doing push-ups. You dip your hand in lard. “I’mma smack him with a crispy hand. I’m gonna have a layer of crispy on my hand when I smack this motherfucker. That’s right. I might Buffalo smack this motherfucker.” Dip it in some hot sauce, too. And right before you could smack the shit out this motherfucker, you run up to him, you’re like… “Whoo! You’re lucky I’m trying to re-finance.” That’s right. Mortgage makes you act right. There ain’t nothing better than a good mortgage. If you got a good mortgage, God has blessed you. “What is a good mortgage?” you might ask. A mortgage that allows you to live your life. To do things, to go places, to buy shit. If you got a mortgage that’s like that, then your God has shined His light on you. But if you got a bad mortgage, whoo… Hell hath no fury like a bad mortgage. “What is a bad mortgage?” you ask. Well, a bad mortgage is any mortgage that doesn’t allow you to do anything but pay your motherfucking mortgage. That is a bad mortgage. You can’t go nowhere, you can’t even come to this motherfucking show. You gotta watch Delirious on VCR. That’s right. When you got a bad mortgage, boy, you need to get your eyebrows done one at a time. “I’mma get the left done right now, and in about three weeks, I might get the right done. I might. I don’t know if I’ll have the money. I’m trying to go to Whole Foods later. Shit’s expensive.” That’s right. One of them bad Suge Knight mortgages where your house is just looking at you, like, “Where’s my money, bitch?” “It’s death row, motherfucker!” That’s right. Nothing like a bad mortgage that you all fucked up. That’s right. Where you’re like a meth addict. And the house is the dealer. And you’re like, “Please, I’m just trying to get this basement fixed. I’ll do anything. I’ll suck your dick.” If you got one of those mortgages, just get out of that shit. Ain’t no shame in renting. Just rent, motherfucker, rent, man. It is so good to be here right now. I’m just glad to be back. I’ve been… I’ve been so busy, man. I’ve been busy. People are like, “Where you been?” I’ve been busy. Trying to raise some kids. That shit’s a job. Trying to raise these kids, man. You know, sometimes I watch the news, and people are like… Whenever there’s some crazy, racist thing, people always go, “Well, children… Children don’t… They’re not born racist. You have to teach them to hate.” That’s what people always say. “Children are born loving. You have to teach them to hate.” It’s the biggest crock of bullshit I have ever heard in my life. Kids are the most racist, sexist, homophobic, mean motherfuckers on the face of the Earth. You don’t teach your kid to love. Raising your child is just beating the hate out of them. That’s all it is. Kids are mean motherfuckers, okay? What the… Are you… My daughter, when she was little, was like, “Daddy, that lady, she’s so scary. I’m so scared. Oh, my God, Daddy. She’s a monster.” I’m like, “No, she’s Asian, Lola.” “Stop it. Okay? You racist brat, stop it.” “Daddy, that man, he’s got antennas. He’s gonna eat me. He’s scary.” “No, it’s dreadlocks, Lola. Stop it.” Kids are fucking mean. Are you fucking kidding me? When my kid was two, she was biting kids on the playground. You think I taught her to bite kids? No, that was her natural state. She came out of the womb like Wolverine. Just tearing fucking kids up. Kids are horrible people. That’s right. Pre-school is just jail with milk. So… “Kids have to learn to hate.” Get the fuck out of here. Yo, man. So, I’m with my daughter, this year she started high school. My oldest started high school. Yep. Yep, yep. Kept her off the pole and now… Started high school. So I had to go with her to a freshman orientation. Did you ever go to a freshman orientation? It’s the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids. You know, ’cause you sit in an auditorium, quite like this, with a couple thousand kids, and people come up and speak and just lie to children. That’s all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children about the future. I’m sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, “I want you children to know, you can be anything you wanna be.” “You can be absolutely anything you wanna be.” I’m like, “Lady, why are you lying to these children?” “Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be.” “But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld.” “Shit. I’m looking at these kids right now.” “I count at least 60 Uber drivers.” “They could be anything they wanna be.” Shut the fuck up. Really? They could be anything they wanna be? Then how come you’re a vice principal? Was that the dream? Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid? Put your little vice principal hat on? Tell the kids the truth. Tell the kids the fucking truth! Say, “Hey, kids… Check this out. Check this out.” “You could be anything you’re good at, as long as they’re hiring.” “And even then, it helps to know somebody.” So I’m sitting there, I’m in school and I’m watching this shit, and it dawned on me that this orientation wasn’t right. You know, ’cause I got Black kids, man. I’m sitting there, I’m like, “I don’t think this is right.” I think they need separate orientations. I think they need a Black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever. ‘Cause the Black kids, you’re in… You know, you get ready to face a whole nother world. I got Black kids. I got to get them ready for the white man. I got to get them ready for America, man. You know? That’s right. You know? Not the white man that’s here tonight. You guys all right. Y’all cool. Every one of you, I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards putting little Black girls through private school. Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, “I made a difference.” I was doing a movie a couple of years ago, and one of my bullies was working security on the movie. Shit. A guy who literally one day, in school, turned me upside down and shook the money out of my pockets. And I’m filming a scene… This is in Top Five. And I look and I’m like, “Is that B?” I’ll just say B. And he nodded, kinda… He was kind of ashamed. I just gave him, just a quick look, like, “Hey, man. I hope you doing well. You take care.” And I kept it moving. I didn’t like, “Get him off the set! Get him fired!” It’s like his sin has punished him. He could’ve been my friend. Right. [Chris] Know what I mean? He could’ve been in the trailer with us watching The Godfather. You know what I mean? The fact that he had to go through that whole day and watch me walk around and watch me… I was directing a movie. And watch me be me in all my glory. And to be so close to me, but yet so motherfucking far. Right, you got your revenge. [Chris] You know? I didn’t have to do anything. You ever watch Bugs Bunny? Bugs Bunny? All the time. When did Elmer Fudd get really mad at Bugs Bunny? Not when he shot him in the face with an anvil, not when he hit him over the head with a rock. You know when Elmer Fudd got really mad? When Bugs Bunny kissed him. [Howard chuckles] Yeah, that true. That’s when he would lose his mind. And when somebody does you wrong, just give ’em a kiss. So I’m at the school… I’m at the school, and the lady comes back out. She goes, “I want you to know the school has absolutely no bullies. We have a no-bully policy. We don’t permit bullying. Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately.” And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school. I was, like, “What kinda half-assed education is this?” I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life. Life has assholes. And you should learn how to deal with them as soon as possible. God forbid you wait till you’re 30 to find out people ain’t shit. That’s a lesson you need quick. I know I said you gotta punch your Black son in the face, but, honestly, I believe all children should be punched in the face. Preferably by another child. ‘Cause once you’ve been punched in the face, you learn how to talk to people. You learn tone. That’s right. A lot of teeth been lost over tone. That’s right. One of the problems with the world is we got too many people telling their kids how special they are. These souped-up kids walking the streets today thinking they’re fucking special. I’m walking down the street, there’s always some kid, “Hey, good work, Chris. Really funny, Chris. Love your work.” I’m like, “It’s Mr. Rock, bitch.” Stop telling your kids that they’re special. Maybe they’re special to you. But not to me. I don’t play that shit. Look, every day before my kids leave for school, I get them at the door, I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out. Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you. Nobody thinks you’re cute, nobody thinks you’re smart, nobody gives a fuck about your opinion, nobody on the whole Earth outside of this door gives a fuck about you. Nobody. And even some of the people inside the house, a little on the fence.” We need bullies. How the fuck do you have a school with no bullies? Bullies do half the work. That’s right. Teachers do one half, bullies do the whole other half. And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fucking grown-up. That’s right. Who gives a fuck if you can code… if you start crying because your boss didn’t say hi? “You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me.” I’m tired of this shit, man. We need bullies! Who’s gonna solve the problems of the world? Who’s gonna figure out global warming? Who’s gonna cure cancer? Who’s gonna eradicate poverty? You know who’s gonna do it? Some kid getting his ass kicked by a bully, that’s who. That’s right. Do you understand, “Nerds rule the world”? Always have, always will. Okay? I’ve never gotten a check from somebody taller than me. And I ain’t that tall. Thanks a lot, Mr. Weinstein. That’s how it goes, man. Bullies rule… We need bullies. Need ’em. You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school? “Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker.” “Fuck you, Gates, you four-eyed bitch.” “Fuck you and your Windows, you gape-toothed motherfucker.” “I’mma smack the shit out of you, you fucking Gate.” “Gate, motherfucker. You can’t get in the gate, Gates.” You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school? “Hey, Zuckerfuck.” “Zuckerfucker, motherzucker, motherzuck, zucker, motherzuck, suck-my-nuts-er, zucker, motherzucker, motherzuck, zuckermother, zuckermother, motherzucker.” He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book. He invented Facebook just to get friends. We need bullies. Shit. Pressure makes diamonds, not hugs. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get. You get a dirty shirt. That’s right. Bullies are the fertilizer that help good people to grow. If you want pretty flowers, you need a little shit. I’m telling you, we need fucking bullies. That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now. ‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money. You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds. We need bullies, man. And I hate when people go, “Well, you know what, cyberbullying’s worse.” Shut up. I never heard of anybody getting cyber-kicked down a flight of stairs. I never heard of anybody getting a cyber-bag of piss thrown at them. We need fucking bullies. Shit. That’s how Trump became president. That’s exactly what happened. We got rid of bullies, a real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him. I’m trying to get my life together, man. I’m trying to get a little religion in my life. Just a little. Just a little. Religion’s kind of like salt. A sprinkle’s good, but too much will fuck up the meal. I mean, I’m basically trying to find God before God finds me. But God never finds you at a good time. You’re never sitting courtside at a Knick game, getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and God shows up. “Strokes a good dick, don’t she? I made her. I made your dick, too. Enjoy the game.” God never shows up at those times. No, God shows up after you’ve been raped in jail. And you’re in jail for parking tickets. Now, if you’re in jail for murder and somebody’s raping you, you’re like, “Okay, I guess this is what I deserve. I did kill somebody. Now, somebody’s killing my ass. Rape on.” But if you’re in jail for parking tickets and somebody’s fucking you in your ass, you’re like… “I should have moved that car. What was I thinking? I thought it was Good Friday. They keep moving Easter.” I’m trying to find God before God finds me. But it’s so hard, it’s so hard, ’cause I’m such piece of shit. I try to be good, but I’m such a piece of shit. The other day, I gave the homeless guy five dollars. Should’ve been a good deed. Should’ve been a good deed. But I didn’t give him five dollars for him, I gave him five dollars for me. That’s right. You ever give or do something good just hoping God will notice you? It’s like, I basically was trying to kick-start a blessing. Like, I was basically looking at God as I was giving this bum some money, like, “Look at me, Lord. I’m a good person. Shine your light on me.” And I’m so full of shit, everybody I spoke to that day, I slipped in that I gave this guy five dollars. No matter what they were talking about, “Hey, man, you see LeBron?” “No, I was too busy giving this bum some money. I had no time.” And I’m bragging about giving him five dollars. Meanwhile, I had about 400 in my pocket. I’m going past big money to give him little money. I’m like, “No, no, can’t have that. Nope, nope. Nope, nope, not for you. Nope, nope. That’s for strippers later. Nope, nope.” I gave him enough to get something at McDonalds, but nothing to drink. “Get yourself a number eight… dry.” Just trying to find God before God finds me. I’m so fucked up, man. A lot of religion in the news, man. We ever watch the news, it’s always like, they’re always talking about religious extremists. We’re at war with extremists. Extremists. What is a religious extremist? A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God. You think you believe in God, no, they extremely believe in God. Like, “God coming back on Wednesday at 2:30. I got tickets. Fantasia’s opening for him. I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by.” That’s right, religious extremists extremely believe in God, and occasionally blow shit up. Which is odd when you think about it. ‘Cause if you truly believe in God, you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the Sun. You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe. So if you believe God’s the most powerful being in the universe, why would He need your help? What is that shit? And… That’s right. I mean, here’s the thing. I think the act of helping God is sacrilegious. If you think you can help God out, you don’t believe in God. That’s right. If you really had faith, you’d really have faith. I mean, check this out. I haven’t been to church in ten years. Now, that’s believing in God. Shit, you go every week ’cause you don’t trust God. Is God here yet? Trying to find God before God finds me, man. Another thing religious extremists messed up, man, air travel. Just ruined it, man. Remember, it used to be fun to fly? You could have a 12:00 flight and leave your house at 11:30. And make it. Remember, you used to be able to pick grandmother up at the gate? That’s right. Now, by the time you get her, she done had a heart attack. She’s just dead going around the conveyor belt. “You got a ticket for dead Grandma?” And they got all this security, they take your shoes, they take your shampoo. When did shampoo become so dangerous? They take your shampoo, you get through security, and then they sell shampoo at the gift shop. Sometimes, they’re trying to sell you your own shampoo back. I know my Prell when I see it. Yo, I’m tired of all the security. Yo, they need an airline for people that don’t give a fuck. They need an airline… They need an airline with absolutely no security for people that are in a hurry, and willing to take their lives in their own hands. That’s what they need. I’ll pay an extra $50 for that shit. They need to call it Risky Airlines. That’s right. Risky Airlines, Muslims half price. That’s right. The bigger the beard, the more legroom you get. They won’t even have tickets. They just stamp your hand like you at a club. You’ll be like, “I was in already.” “At Risky Airlines, all our pilots are bad apples.” No, man. Just trying to find God before God finds me, man. Tomorrow’s Sunday. I love getting up on a Sunday and watching the preachers. Preachers. I just love watching the preachers. It’s like, you know… My man, T.D. Jakes. Creflo Dollar. Joel Osteen. Check ’em all out, man. Here’s my question. Why’s God always so broke? God has been suffering financial difficulties… for quite some time. What the fuck? Does God have a bad mortgage? What is… What is going on? Who pays God’s taxes, Wesley Snipes? What’s going on? I don’t understand. Whoo! The Devil’s never broke. Devil making it rain at the strip club. You never see the Devil on TV going, “Hey, this evil ain’t gonna pay for itself.” Nah, man. But I love religion. I love watching religion, studying religion. The cool thing about religion is no matter who you pray to, no matter what you study, every religion follows one basic premise, one basic idea that every religion follows. And that premise is, “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Every religion believes that. Everybody. [imitating preacher] “God does not make… mistakes.” “I say God… does not… [harmonizes] make… mistakes.” God don’t make no mistakes? That’s… Okay. That’s a pretty ambitious thing to say. No mistakes? You ever read the Bible? What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day? “God rested.” Okay. Seems odd that a perfect being would rest. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been performing a task, it was going perfect, and you took a rest? Has that ever happened in your life? No! That has never fucking happened to you. What’s happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, and you thought, “Let me rest… before I fuck this up some more.” “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Hush your mouth. God makes plenty of mistakes. You ever see a porcupine? Can’t eat it, can’t hug it. It’s ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place. Mistake! What about quicksand? Sand you can drown in. You can drown dry. Do you think God meant to make quicksand? Mistake! You ever been to Mississippi? Mistake! M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E! Fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt. Fucking Mississippi. I was there couple of months ago. I couldn’t even tell what year it was. That’s how fucked up and ghetto that shit was. Like, goddamn! You know what Mississippi’s like? You know like when you go to the Caribbean? You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van. That drive. That scary-ass drive… from the airport to the resort. You’re looking out the window and you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that shit? Oh, my God. Whoa!” You see little kids eating dreadlocks. You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog. Shabba, Shabba, Shabba, Shabba! People looking like they’d never saw a car before. “Wheel! Wheel!” Then you get to the resort and you’re like, “Jamaica’s nice. It’s so nice. We should invite your mother.” Shit. They give you one piña colada… and you forgive the worst poverty you’ve ever seen. You take one sip, you’re like, “That baby wasn’t really dead, right? I can’t wait to Jet Ski.” Trying to find God before God finds me. Trying to get my life together, man. I had a crazy… Last few years have been crazy for me, man. Uh, you know, taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced. Divorced. No, no, don’t… [scattered applause] No, don’t clap for that shit unless you’re a lawyer. You don’t wanna get divorced, let me tell you right now. I’m talking from hell. You don’t want this shit. Tell you right, if you got somebody you love, hold tight. That’s right. Hold fucking tight. Commit. Don’t be the one that’s always threatening to leave, too. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. If you’re gonna leave, leave right now. That’s right, at the show, right now. That’s right, just break up. We got break up booths in the back. That’s right. But before you leave, you better… You better make sure you got some options. ‘Cause some of y’all been in a relationship so long, you don’t know how ugly you are. Before you leave, just take off all your clothes, stand in a mirror, like… “This is what I’m putting on the market.” You might need sit-ups or counseling. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out, okay? You hear me? I’m telling you right now. If you’re in a relationship, all you should be doing is fucking and going places. That’s all you should be doing. Having sex and traveling. Fucking and going places. You should be coming and going. That’s all you should be doing, okay? People say, “Relationships are tough.” No, they not. They’re only tough when one person is working on it. That’s right. Two people can move a couch real easy. One person can’t move it at all. That’s right. If you’re in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, okay? I’m trying to fucking help you, okay? Okay. First rule, rule one, stop competing. It’s not a fucking competition. That’s right. Her success is your success and your success is her success. Stop competing. Stop it, okay? Number two. Number two, okay? There is no equality in a relationship. It’s like, “We equals.” No, you’re not. You’re both there to serve. You are in the service industry, okay? That’s right, when you are in a relationship, you’re in a band. You’re in a fucking band. And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead, and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. If you gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right. You play it with your ass, like, “Tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” Play it like Tina Turner. That’s right, you in a band. It’s like Hall & Oates. I don’t know what Oates does. But Hall never had a hit record without him. Yeah. You wanna stay together. How do you stay together? You gotta fuck. It’s that simple. You gotsta fuck. People will say, “Oh, when we got together, it was so much fun but then problems arose.” No, they didn’t. Nothing arose. Every problem you have today, you had when you met. But you were fucking, so you forgave. That’s right. You knew he didn’t do dishes. But he gave you good dick. That was a swell trade, dick for dishes. You used to love washing them dick dishes. So you knew she couldn’t cook, but she licked your balls. You’re like, “Ah, keep licking. We’ll order in.” You gotsta fuck. You got to fuck, you gotta keep it up. And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you in. You got to keep the shit moving. You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, are you listening to me? Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy dick. You got to do what you got to do. ‘Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood. “I can’t believe there’s no gas in the car.” “I can’t believe there’s so much mold in the basement.” Shit, I’d eat pussy on 9/11. Where were you? No, man, you gotsta fuck, man. Dude, I was married for 16 years. For 16 years. Yes, that’s a long run. Hamilton won’t last that long. I was married for 16 years in the era of the cell phone, which means… my 16 years is actually longer than my parents’ 40. In my 16 years, I had more contact with my ex-wife than my parents had in 40 fucking years. Think about it. My father used to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning, come home at 8:30 at night, and during the day, him and my mother had no contact at all. That’s what a fucking relationship used to be. That’s right. The kids could’ve died, and he wouldn’t have found that shit out till he got home. He’d be like, “The kids died?” “What time?” “About eight hours ago.” “Oh, shit.” They had no contact at all. That’s what… Everybody’s parents in here, that’s what a relationship was. When they got together, they actually used to talk. You know why? ‘Cause each one of them had pertinent information that was useful to the other one. That’s right. “Baby, how was your day?” “Whitey didn’t get me.” “Didn’t get me, either.” “I love you.” You know why else they used to talk? You know why else? ‘Cause they used to miss each other. They used to actually miss each other. You can’t miss nobody today. They right in your back pocket. They with you all the fucking time. That’s right. Soon as you leave the house, you get a fucking beep, you get a text, you get a FaceTime, you get a fucking Snapchat, you get some kind of fucking communication. Then your woman got the nerve to go, “You act like you don’t wanna talk.” “What are you talking about? I know everything you did today, and I know how people felt about it.” “That’s right. I read the comments, motherfucker.” “I gave you five likes, bitch. Shit.” “I gave you three smiley faces and a eggplant.” “Now, get off my back.” Dude, I was not, like, a good husband. I was fucked up, you know. I was addicted to porn. I know, billion-dollar industry, just me, right? I was addicted to porn, and, you know… I was 15 minutes late everywhere. I got some witnesses. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens to you. You become, like, sexually autistic. You develop, like, sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and verbal cues. You want everything to be routine. Like, you can’t choke your woman every night. You got to mix it up. Choke-Out Thursdays. And what happens when you watch too much porn? You get desensitized, you know? When you start watching porn, it’s like any porn will do. Like, “Ah, they’re naked.” Ooh-hoo! Then, later on, now you’re all fucked up and you need a perfect porn cocktail… to get you off, you know? I was so fucked up. I’d need a Asian girl with a Black girl’s ass that speaks Spanish… just to get my dick to move an inch. I’m good now. Man, I had to go to rehab, get the porn patch. I’m a lot better now. Ladies, that’s right, take care of your man. Fellas, take care of your wife, your girlfriend. Take care of her or she will leave you. She will leave you either physically or mentally. A woman can leave you mentally. That’s right, like Star Trek, just telepath out this motherfucker. There’s guys, they think they’re with their wife right now. But no, n*gga, she left you months ago. She just came ’cause you got tickets. She ain’t with you, she with me. Man, the older you get, the bullshit you learn… One thing, the gangster-est shit in the world. You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter, nothing more powerful than a housewife. Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth. People think it’s the working woman. No. Suckers work. That’s right. Smart people find other people to work for them. That’s right, that’s right. They got The Housewives of Atlanta. They don’t got The Working Bitches of Atlanta. Nobody would watch that show. A housewife’s a bad motherfucker, boy. ‘Cause a housewife has convinced her husband that it’s his house, too. There’s a lot of guys in here, right now, think they own a house, think it’s their house, too. No, she took that house years ago, and the kids were in on it. That’s right. The housewife is a bad motherfucker. ‘Cause the housewife got a little time. That’s right. So before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together and they rehearse a little play… that they do when Daddy get home. “Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?” “I miss you, Daddy.” “Good. Good. You say that soon as he walk in, okay? I need you to grab his leg and don’t let go. I’m gonna give him a big piece of chicken and when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house, ha-ha!” That’s right, fellas, you don’t own a house. If you live with a woman, you don’t have a house. That is her fucking house. The only man that owns anything is a single man, okay? And, fellas, here’s a test right now. If you really think you own a house… Just a test. Okay, fellas, tonight, when you go home, I want you to try… I want you to try… Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try to hang up a picture of your mother. It’s your house, right? Give it a shot. “What’s that?” “It’s a picture of my mother.” “I don’t like that frame.” You’ll never see that picture again. Maybe at your mother’s funeral, she’ll go, “Look what I found.” Motherfucker. And don’t get mad. Do not get mad at your woman. Whatever you do, do not get mad. ‘Cause if you get mad at your woman, she will get mad at you. And you’re mad ’cause you can’t hang up a picture of your mother. But she’s mad at you for having the audacity to get mad at her. You’re actually mad about a actual thing she did. And she’s just mad that you had the nerve to react to the thing that she did. You didn’t do nothing, now you gotta apologize to move this shit on. Like, “Hey, baby, I’m sorry. I should’ve known my mother’s face didn’t deserve to be on the walls of our house. Uh, I will never do something that stupid again. Uh, maybe I’ll hang it up in my office or something. I would appreciate it. Um, thank you. Thank you, honey. I love you. If it helps, fuck my mother. Okay? Fuck her.” Oh, man. And if she gets real mad… If your woman gets real mad, then she’ll issue a pussy strike. You don’t want that. Nothing worse than a pussy strike. That’s right. Remember the pussy strike of 2013? That was a tense negotiation. The union was tough. That’s right, man. Pussy strike. Pussy embargo. Pussy sanctions. Treat your dick like it’s Cuba. That’s right. Pussy strike is the most deadly weapon in the female arsenal. But it has to be deployed correctly. Lot of women don’t know how to give the pussy strike. That’s right. Some of y’all don’t know how to give a proper pussy strike. Here’s the thing about a pussy strike. The pussy strike only works if you fuck your husband regularly. That’s right. You can’t threaten a man with sex he don’t ever get. You’re like, “I won’t suck your dick.” “You don’t suck my dick now. What other fantasy things are you gonna take out of my life? You want to take the keys to my spaceship? You want to take my pet tiger? What else? What else you gonna take?” That’s right. Ladies, you gotta fuck your husbands. You gotta fuck ’em! You have to fuck these motherfuckers. You have to do it. ‘Cause if you don’t fuck him, he will build up antibodies to your pussy. That’s right. The more you fuck him, the weaker he is. But if you don’t fuck him, he will build up his own opinion. You don’t want that. Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the fucking prize! Shit, man. Here’s a thing, too. Here’s another good reason to fuck your husband. God forbid you’re ever in a horrible train accident. That’s right. And your whole body is mangled and ripped up. And the only thing left… is the pussy. And your husband has to come down to the morgue and identify the pussy so you could get a proper burial. If you haven’t been having sex, that’s gonna be hard. And he gets down there, the mortician’s like, “I’mma pull back this sheet, and when I do, I need you to identify the pussy, okay?” And he pulls back the sheet and your husband’s like, “I don’t know. I… I can’t really… I can’t, uh… [chuckles nervously] You sure she was on the train? Uh…” “Uh, can you make it go like this?” [pretend-crying] That’s my wife. That’s my wife.” Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband, got a good man, hold on tight, or another woman will take your husband. They’ll take him. There’s women in here right now with stolen husbands. You know who you are. You’re like, “That bitch was slipping.” That’s right, hold tight or another woman will take your man. Fellas, you don’t got to really worry about that. Nobody’s taking your wife. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they’ll fuck your wife. Oh, they’ll fuck her good. They’ll fuck her better than you. But they’re not gonna take her. There’s no guy going, “Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him. I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother.” Oh, they’ll fuck her and then they’ll return her. “I believe this is yours. The bitch had me feeling bad about myself.” Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. Hey, it’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man, just… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True, true, you know. You know, I had a attitude. I thought, “I pay for everything, I can do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You got to play the tambourine. Everybody got to play the tambourine. I cheated. Yeah, I’m serious. I’m not… I’m not bragging. I cheated. I was on the road and… I end up sleeping with three different women. It’s like fucked up. You know what’s fucked up? Here’s the thing. When guys cheat, it’s like, we want something new. We want something new, right? But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out, and now, she’s new. She’s never the same again. So now you got new, but you got a bad new. You know, you got bad fucking new, man. Every woman here right now is like, “Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man? I thought…” “You, I thought you was all right. You?” “Come on, Chris, what the fuck is wrong with you?” “What the fuck is wrong with men?” I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now. Every woman in here is like, “Fuck you, Chris.” And every guy in here right now is going, “Three?” “That’s it? Just three?” “Goddamn, man.” “I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that.” “Three?” “You must’ve really loved your wife.” “You a romantic.” Yo, man, it’s fucked, man. I remember, right, when my divorce was final, I was at a party and I saw Rihanna. I was like, “Okay. Let’s start this again.” So, I’m at this party, I see Rihanna. I was like, “Okay. Let me say, ‘What’s up?'” And I’m like, I said, “How you doing, Rihanna?” You ever forget how old you are? Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like… She didn’t even register me as a dick-carrying member of society. Like, I would’ve had a easier time fucking Aretha Franklin. And I mean that respectfully, okay? She was asking me about other dudes. “Have you seen Ray J?” I’m like, “Fuck Ray J. I hate that n*gga.” Yo, you don’t want to get divorced, man. This shit is no joke, man. I had to go through a custody fight for my kids, just to see my kids, man. That shit’s fucked up, man. First of all, you don’t wanna be a man in family court, and you don’t wanna be a Black man in any court. Yeah. Even the Black judge comes to work with his lawyer, and he keeps his robe on all day. Writes “judge” on the back, just in case somebody thinks it’s a n*gga with a cape. “Is that a n*gga with a cape?” “Nope, just the judge.” Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man. Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids. You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth. So, I bought a house around the corner, okay? Like, fucking quarter of a mile, like, right around the fucking corner. Damn near the same house, okay? But… wasn’t enough, man. I went in there, that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep.” I was like, “What? You think I got a manger, what? Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?” Okay. Show them the picture, right? But that wasn’t enough. Then the judge was like, “Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside to make sure the children have enough to eat.” I’m like… “What have you heard about me? I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown.” Yo, man. Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced. I’m telling you right now, if you ever do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit. If you hug ’em, take a picture, if you feed ’em, take a picture. ‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love. Winter is coming. Whoo! But it worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids, okay. I see my kids all the time. I got my custody. Shit worked out, okay? But that shit was like humiliating, man, trying to prove your parenthood, man. So I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship, but after you go through that shit, you’re like, “Am I gonna lose my kids?” I was like, “Yo, I’m going hard every time I have my kids.” I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard. “I don’t know what you’re doing at your mom’s house, but we’re gonna top that shit… every motherfucking time, okay?” Sometimes I bring guest stars. I make sure they go back to her with a story like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework.” “Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich.” You all think I’m bullshitting. Then check my Instagram, all right? And the crazy thing is… So after you get through the custody thing, then you got to divide the money, that’s fucking scary shit, man. And whoever… Whoever… makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person, so I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me. That’s like hiring a hitman to kill you. It’s like, “Okay. Here’s a picture of me. I’mma be at Burger King at 10:38, okay? Shoot me in the head and give me a call.” So… I’m in court… Yo, one day I’m in court, and I’m just looking around, and she got three lawyers, I got three lawyers. Shit’s expensive as fuck. She got three lawyers, I got three lawyers. The judge, the bailiff, the stenographer. I’m looking at all these motherfuckers, man. It’s like, “Wow, look at this whole… town, just here.” I’m looking at all these people and realize, everybody in this room is far more educated than me, everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, okay? I got college motherfuckers coming at me, right? And I realized everybody in the room was born to much better circumstances than me. I’m from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby. And everybody in there is there to take my money. It’s like, everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me. And they got up that morning, they brushed their teeth, they put on suits, they fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit. And at that moment, I realized something. I made it. I made it. Started from the bottom, now I’m here. I made it, man. After that, I was like, “Fuck it. Take it. Whatever you need, take it. I’ll be all right. I’mma work. It’s gonna be good.” ‘Cause here’s the crazy thing, man. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn. Like, I bought this shit on myself, you know. Nobody told me to go hoe up, you know. I brought this shit on myself. And you got to learn some lessons, some man lessons, okay? I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness that you have to accept when you’re a man, especially a Black man. It’s like, the world is cold as a motherfucker, okay? You get older, the one thing I learned… Only women, children and dogs… are loved unconditionally. Women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something, okay? I’ve never heard a woman in my life say, “You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer.” [laughs sarcastically] You ain’t never heard that shit. No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say, “A broke man is like a broke hand, can’t do nothing with it.” What kind of gangster shit is that? That’s right. Women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. That’s right. Fellas, when you meet a new girl, what do your friends ask you? “What she look like?” Ladies, when you meet a new guy, what do your friends ask you? “What does he do? What the fuck does that n*gga do that can help you out? Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not?” That’s right. Every man in this room is a job loss away from losing their woman. You think you know her right now, you don’t know shit. Lose your job for three weeks, motherfucker, and you will meet her. Every man in this room is a job loss away. Okay? Even right now, Michelle Obama is looking at Barack going, “What’s your plans, n*gga? How’s that book turning out? I need to see some pages.” Yo, man. It’s a harsh, cold world, man. But I brought this on myself, man. When you get older, you learn shit, man. But, you know, women cheat, too. Women cheat. We don’t do this shit by ourselves. Women cheat, too. They’re just better at it than guys. Guys, we’re horrible cheats. We always get caught late night, come home smelling like hotel soap. Your woman’s like, “What’s that smell?” “I don’t know.” Then you take off your clothes and a little bar of soap falls out your ass. “I knew it!” It’s crazy that guys, we get caught so easy. It’s so easy to catch us ’cause it’s always the new chick. It’s the new chick at work, new chick at school. “Ah, that bitch.” Women, when you catch a woman, it’s always some motherfucker you done met ten times. He been all up in your house, he drank your Pellegrino. Then one day you give him a good look, you’re like, “Wait a minute. Craig ain’t in the book club. This n*gga can’t read.” Oh, man. I’m retired, I’m… This cheat shit, I’m done. I’m done. You get a certain age, you got in a lot of shit, lose enough shit, it’s like, “Fuck this, I’m done cheating.” I… Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more. Peace is better than pussy. Peace makes my dick hard. I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker. You wanna be my girl, be peaceful. Just some peace, motherfucker. That’s right. I ain’t cheating at all. I mean, unless Rihanna, you know. Like I keep half a Viagra in my wallet, just in case she ever goes through an “old comedians” phase. “Rihanna fucked Eddie Griffin. Shit, I gotta get over there.” “Fucking Eddie Griffin. Goddamn!” It’s all good, man. Now I’m dating. I’m actually dating. It’s just weird, man. It’s weird. I was married for a long time. You know, I date some girls my age and some little younger. That shit is crazy, man. Yo, shit has changed. These girls fuck fast now. They fuck fast and they leave. They just get the fuck out your house. They just fuck and leave. I’m like, “Where are you going? It’s your place.” They used to wanna cuddle or something. Them motherfuckers be gone. And they fuck immediately. I’m a grown man and I’m like, “This is inappropriate.” My God, young girls like to get on top, always wanna get on top. “Let me ride it, Daddy. Let me get on top. Let me ride. Let me get on top. Let me ride it, let me ride it, let me ride.” You can’t get no 45-year-old woman to get on top. She’s like, “N*gga, you lucky I’m laying like this. I’ll turn over to help you finish, but that’s about it. These knees are delicate.” But them young girls like, “Let me get on top. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me get on top.” I’m laying back, this girl’s bouncing on my dick, I can’t tell if I’m fucking or changing oil. “Let me get on top. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me ride it.” Shit, I’m on Tinder right now under my own name. My friends are like, “You can’t be under your own name. What if you find a woman that just wants you because you’re Chris Rock?” I’m like, “But I am Chris Rock. What should I put, Cedric the Entertainer?” Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now is me, butt naked, holding a microphone… and a tambourine. I’m out of here. Y’all take care. Thank you. [mic thuds] [“Can I Live II” by JAY-Z playing] ♪ Yeah, is y’all n*ggas finished, yo? ♪ ♪ Is y’all n*ggas finished? ♪ ♪ Got your little radio play Your little BDS, huh ♪ ♪ You finished, n*gga? ♪ ♪ Huh, huh, y’all finished? ♪ ♪ Can I live, huh? ♪ ♪ Can I live, yo, you’re being stingy With the fucking music again, yo ♪ ♪ Yo, yo… Yo I blacks out I pulls the MAC out ♪ ♪ Scream “What’s that about?” Then I clap out ♪ ♪ I get my plot on and my drop on Through the rotten ♪ ♪ Don’t even hate on those who hate me I got Pac on ♪ ♪ Feeling it Chickens are ice grilling it ♪ ♪ Cops pulling it over Jigga react militant ♪ ♪ Speed off Officer told me turn the beat off ♪ ♪ I turned it a level higher Then return the devil’s fire ♪ ♪ I’m raised different React in situations n*ggas lay stiff in ♪ ♪ Rookies blame it on the age difference ♪ ♪ My subliminal flows Create criminal odes ♪ ♪ Sing along if y’all with me Till the end of the road ♪ ♪ I’m cynical When in the view of the public ♪ ♪ And this is because I’m defensive when I’m in interviews ♪ ♪ The percentage who don’t understand Is higher than the percentage who do ♪ ♪ Check yourself What percentage is you? ♪ ♪ Can I live, for all my n*ggas With all white Air Force Ones ♪ ♪ And black guns, stack ones, yo ♪ ♪ Can I live, for all my chicks… ♪ * * * [Dave Chappelle] You’re the best. [Chris] You’re the best. [Dave] Whatever it is… [man 1] We’re all the best. Whatever you do, your shit moves me. Like, I seek out… [man 2] I would rather see this than the old days, when Michael and Prince were fighting, and one motherfucker end up falling off a lifeboat. [man 1] Yeah. Oh, fuck, yeah. I saw that. Fuck them, you know? You know that story? [man 1] I remember. Oh, my God. Eddie and Richard only got together for the movie. They were not cool. Richard and Cosby weren’t cool. The first time I saw Eddie and Richard together, Richard’s on stage in The Original Room. And he’s performing. And Rashon brings him a note. And Richard looks at the note, and he puts it away and he keeps working a little bit. The note says, “Eddie Murphy is here.” So, Richard’s working. Richard finally says, “There’s a young man here. A lot of people say that he’s the new me, but I’m not finished being me yet, so that shit is… That fucks with me… His name is Eddie Murphy.” And everybody goes crazy. He says, “You wanna come up, so I can get to know you?” [Chris chuckling] Oh, my gosh. Oh, wow! Oh, wow! “How about put your hands together for Eddie Murphy.” Eddie walks in the main room, comes up to that one step on, right. He steps up on the stage, they shake and meet for the first time, and Richard walks away, but doesn’t leave. He sits on that step, that one step down in The Original Room, he sits, and sits and watches Eddie work. So, for Eddie, it’s like, Richard’s sitting here… Oh, man. [Chris chuckles] …and Eddie turns the motherfucker out. And Richard stands at the end, and Eddie comes to the step, they walk away together. It was the greatest fucking moment. Yeah, I’ll say it… ♪ Two kids, one job, and no man ♪ ♪ All my chicks getting that washing set With their welfare check ♪ ♪ Haha, all the mamis dame un beso All right ♪ ♪ Yeah All my n*ggas rocking them fitted caps ♪ ♪ Trying to get at this rap Know what I mean? ♪ ♪ All my cats with open cases Big cars, and no license ♪ ♪ I like that shit, I see y’all ♪ ♪ All my n*ggas that say pause After they say some fucked up shit ♪ ♪ Haha, rock on and, uh… ♪ ♪ Jigga shit Roc-A-Fella forever, yo ♪ ♪ Uh, Major Coins… ♪ | [Chris] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit your asses down. Please let me get on with this show. It’s nice to be here in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, where I’m from. Bed-Stuy, do or die. Right? Home of Biggie and Jay. Yes, I’m back. I’m in the neighborhood. You know, the more things change, the more things stay the same. I’m walking around, looking around today, and I wonder… You would think that cops would occasionally shoot a white kid just to make it look good. You would think that every couple of months, they’d look at their dead n*gga calendar and go, “Oh, my God. We’re up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick.” “Which one?” “Ah, the first one you see singing Cardi B.” That’s right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world with real equality. I wanna live in a world where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I wanna see white mothers on TV crying, standing next to Al Sharpton… talking about, “We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice. No justice, no quiche.” I know some people, like, “Come on, Chris. You’re going too hard on the cops, man. You’re a celebrity. I’m sure they’d let you go. I’m sure they’re nice to you. You’re a celebrity.” Yeah, I’m famous, you know. But I’m not like Michael Jackson famous. I’m not famous from miles away. My fame kicks in right about here. When the cops see me walking down the street, they’re like, “N*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga.” “Hey, that’s Chris Rock!” “Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man.” It’s weird, man. It’s weird. This whole thing with the cops, man. ‘Cause as a Black man, you have a… Especially a grown Black man. I have a weird relationship with the cops, man. Like on one hand, I’m a Black man, so I’m like, “Fuck the police.” And on the other hand, I own property. If somebody comes and breaks in my house, I’m not calling the Crips. “Uh, yo, Crips, can you send Little JJ down?” “Oh, he’s here already?” “My bad. My bad.” Here’s the thing with the cops, though. I mean, being a cop’s a hard job, man. It’s a hard fucking job, man. I mean, honestly, I don’t think they pay cops enough. I don’t think they pay police enough… [scattered applause] …and you get what you pay for. [chuckling] But here’s the thing, man. Whenever the cops gun down an innocent Black man, they always say the same things. It’s like, “Well, it’s not most cops. It’s just a few bad apples.” “It’s just a few bad apples.” “Bad apple”? That’s a lovely name for “murderer.” I was like, “How’d they get that one? ‘Bad apple,’ that almost sounds nice.” I mean, I’ve had a bad apple. It was tart. But it didn’t choke me out. Here’s the thing. I know it’s hard being a cop. I know it’s hard. I know that shit’s dangerous. I know it is, okay? But some jobs can’t have bad apples, okay? Some jobs, everybody got to be good. Like… pilots. You know? American Airlines can’t be, like, “Most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.” Yeah, man. This cop shit ain’t gonna stop, man. But racism is not gonna stop. It ain’t never stopping. It’s the American way, man. They used to have signs up that said, “Whites only.” They used to have signs up that said, “No Blacks allowed.” Now they got something new. It’s called prices. That’s right. Prices are the new Jim Crow. The Four Seasons hotel does not say, “No Blacks allowed.” But a $4,000-a-night hotel suite sure does. That ought to handle your n*gga problem right there. Prices are the new Jim Crow, baby. You know, Whole Foods does not say, “No Blacks allowed.” But a seven-dollar orange sure does. It says they don’t want my Black ass in here. A couple of white people are going, “They don’t want us in here either.” Fuck Whole Foods, I need some Half Foods. America’s insane, man. You gotta get your kids ready for the white man. If you’re not, then you’re fucking up as a parent, okay? I’ve been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born, okay? But even before they was born, I’ve been preparing them for the white man. Yeah. That’s right. At my house, we don’t have fire drills, we have whiter drills. So ever since my kids were born, I’ve been getting them ready for the white man. So everything in my house that’s the color white is either hot, heavy or sharp. So my kids know when they deal with anything white, they gotta think about that shit. They got to contemplate this shit. “Ooh. This napkin, okay. Should I wipe my mouth with it or is that what Whitey wants me to do?” Ever since they was born, everything in my house, hot, heavy, or sharp. They sit on a white toilet seat, burn their ass. “Daddy, my ass is burning.” “It’s white, motherfucker, it’s white. That’s what Whitey do.” “He burn your fucking ass. Pay attention!” Shit, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds. “Daddy. Dad, it’s so heavy. It’s so heavy. This hurts. I can’t even stand. I can’t even stand.” “It’s white, motherfucker, it’s white. That’s what Whitey do. He break your back.” At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream with glass in it. “Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding.” “You should’ve gotten chocolate.” Oh, y’all think I’m joking, huh? I go hard, too. I go fucking hard, man. I got girls and I go hard. So if you got a Black son, you gotta just punch him in the face. As soon as he wakes up, it’s like, “Morning, n*gga.” Pow! Shit, if you got a Black son and you don’t punch him in the face, that’s child abuse. Shit, that’s right, man. Some people say young Black teenagers are an endangered species. But that’s not true. ‘Cause endangered species are protected by the government. Yo, man. You got to beat your Black son good. You got to whoop that ass. It’s important that he follows your instructions. ‘Cause, hey, ’cause the world is fucked up, man. We’ve got a fucked up justice system, okay? We’ve got a justice system for Black, for white, for rich, for poor. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime, in the exact same place, at the exact same time, and get different sentences. Yo. Yo, the justice system in America should be just like Walmart. Should be just like Walmart. Like, “Hey. If you can find a lighter sentence, we’ll match it.” “They gave that white boy two years for a kilo.” “It’s good, I’ll take that.” Cops shooting motherfuckers, man. You know, we got cop problems, prices problems, we got some gun problems. This gun shit ain’t going nowhere, okay? Gun control. There ain’t never gonna be no gun control. Okay? You talk about it too long and you will get shot. They will shoot your ass, okay? One of the reasons is ’cause we all love guns. Love guns. I had a gun. That’s right, comedian with a gun. Ooh, they’re not laughing. Bang! Yeah, man. We don’t care. America don’t care about no guns. You shoot up a church, nobody cared. You shot up a school, nobody cared, man. You shot up a theatre, people are like, “Should have had Netflix.” That’s right. They’re never, ever changing the gun laws. Somebody gets gunned down, you see that shit on TV, next thing you know, you watch TV and all you hear are clichés. You know? Fifty people, sixty people, that many people, whatever, dead. And somebody comes on and goes, “Well, we can’t change the gun laws ’cause Americans need the right to hunt. They need to hunt.” It was like, “Really?” Hunting’s that fucking important? I mean, I’ve been hunting. I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina. When hunting with my grandfather, I shot a rabbit. I cried. He called me a fa*got. And he’s a preacher. They are never changing the gun laws, no matter what, man. They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, okay? And somebody will come on TV, you know, they’ll just talk, like, “Hey, you know, guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” That’s what they’ll say. They’ll shoot 100 people and somebody will go, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” “As a matter of fact, if the gunman would have had a knife, he could have stabbed 100 people to death.” That’s what they say. They actually say that shit. On TV. Could have stabbed 100 people? Yo, check this out. If 100 people ever got stabbed at the same time, in the same place, by the same person, you know what that would mean? Ninety-seven people deserve to die. What, you just watching this shit? “Oh, shit, somebody got stabbed.” “Ooh, they stabbed somebody else.” “Ooh, they stabbed somebody else.” “Ooh, they getting closer.” “Ooh, he stabbed me. I didn’t see that coming.” “Ooh, he stabbed the lady behind me.” “He’s a stabbing fool. I guess that’s why they call him Stabby.” They are never changing none of this gun shit, man. But you watch the news and it’s like, “Well, we can’t change the gun laws because every American has the right to protect their home.” Every American has the right to protect their home. That’s true, they got that right. But you ever notice that almost all the mass shooters, none of them own homes? They all live with their fucking mothers. No, man. They gotta change the gun laws. Here’s the deal. Here’s what I think. I think, in order for you to get a gun in the United States of America, you should have to have a mortgage. That’s right. That’s a background check for your ass. Shit, if you got a 739 credit score, you ain’t killing nobody. See, the mortgage make you act right. How many times you been ready to quit your job? Just ready to quit. Like, “I can’t take this shit. These people don’t know how to use me. My skills are going to waste. I’m too smart for these people. I’m going in there tomorrow, and I’mma quit this job.” And you walk in there, and you think you gonna quit, and you see that boss and you think, “That fucking mortgage. I’mma be here 30 more years. If I’m lucky.” Shit, having a mortgage make you act right. How many times you been ready to smack the shit out of somebody at work? Just smack… Yeah, I ain’t the only one. Just ready to smack the shit, like, “I can’t believe this motherfucker think they can talk to me this way. Tomorrow, I’mma smack the shit out this one.” You start doing push-ups. You dip your hand in lard. “I’mma smack him with a crispy hand. I’m gonna have a layer of crispy on my hand when I smack this motherfucker. That’s right. I might Buffalo smack this motherfucker.” Dip it in some hot sauce, too. And right before you could smack the shit out this motherfucker, you run up to him, you’re like… “Whoo! You’re lucky I’m trying to re-finance.” That’s right. Mortgage makes you act right. There ain’t nothing better than a good mortgage. If you got a good mortgage, God has blessed you. “What is a good mortgage?” you might ask. A mortgage that allows you to live your life. To do things, to go places, to buy shit. If you got a mortgage that’s like that, then your God has shined His light on you. But if you got a bad mortgage, whoo… Hell hath no fury like a bad mortgage. “What is a bad mortgage?” you ask. Well, a bad mortgage is any mortgage that doesn’t allow you to do anything but pay your motherfucking mortgage. That is a bad mortgage. You can’t go nowhere, you can’t even come to this motherfucking show. You gotta watch Delirious on VCR. That’s right. When you got a bad mortgage, boy, you need to get your eyebrows done one at a time. “I’mma get the left done right now, and in about three weeks, I might get the right done. I might. I don’t know if I’ll have the money. I’m trying to go to Whole Foods later. Shit’s expensive.” That’s right. One of them bad Suge Knight mortgages where your house is just looking at you, like, “Where’s my money, bitch?” “It’s death row, motherfucker!” That’s right. Nothing like a bad mortgage that you all fucked up. That’s right. Where you’re like a meth addict. And the house is the dealer. And you’re like, “Please, I’m just trying to get this basement fixed. I’ll do anything. I’ll suck your dick.” If you got one of those mortgages, just get out of that shit. Ain’t no shame in renting. Just rent, motherfucker, rent, man. It is so good to be here right now. I’m just glad to be back. I’ve been… I’ve been so busy, man. I’ve been busy. People are like, “Where you been?” I’ve been busy. Trying to raise some kids. That shit’s a job. Trying to raise these kids, man. You know, sometimes I watch the news, and people are like… Whenever there’s some crazy, racist thing, people always go, “Well, children… Children don’t… They’re not born racist. You have to teach them to hate.” That’s what people always say. “Children are born loving. You have to teach them to hate.” It’s the biggest crock of bullshit I have ever heard in my life. Kids are the most racist, sexist, homophobic, mean motherfuckers on the face of the Earth. You don’t teach your kid to love. Raising your child is just beating the hate out of them. That’s all it is. Kids are mean motherfuckers, okay? What the… Are you… My daughter, when she was little, was like, “Daddy, that lady, she’s so scary. I’m so scared. Oh, my God, Daddy. She’s a monster.” I’m like, “No, she’s Asian, Lola.” “Stop it. Okay? You racist brat, stop it.” “Daddy, that man, he’s got antennas. He’s gonna eat me. He’s scary.” “No, it’s dreadlocks, Lola. Stop it.” Kids are fucking mean. Are you fucking kidding me? When my kid was two, she was biting kids on the playground. You think I taught her to bite kids? No, that was her natural state. She came out of the womb like Wolverine. Just tearing fucking kids up. Kids are horrible people. That’s right. Pre-school is just jail with milk. So… “Kids have to learn to hate.” Get the fuck out of here. Yo, man. So, I’m with my daughter, this year she started high school. My oldest started high school. Yep. Yep, yep. Kept her off the pole and now… Started high school. So I had to go with her to a freshman orientation. Did you ever go to a freshman orientation? It’s the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids. You know, ’cause you sit in an auditorium, quite like this, with a couple thousand kids, and people come up and speak and just lie to children. That’s all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children about the future. I’m sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, “I want you children to know, you can be anything you wanna be.” “You can be absolutely anything you wanna be.” I’m like, “Lady, why are you lying to these children?” “Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be.” “But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld.” “Shit. I’m looking at these kids right now.” “I count at least 60 Uber drivers.” “They could be anything they wanna be.” Shut the fuck up. Really? They could be anything they wanna be? Then how come you’re a vice principal? Was that the dream? Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid? Put your little vice principal hat on? Tell the kids the truth. Tell the kids the fucking truth! Say, “Hey, kids… Check this out. Check this out.” “You could be anything you’re good at, as long as they’re hiring.” “And even then, it helps to know somebody.” So I’m sitting there, I’m in school and I’m watching this shit, and it dawned on me that this orientation wasn’t right. You know, ’cause I got Black kids, man. I’m sitting there, I’m like, “I don’t think this is right.” I think they need separate orientations. I think they need a Black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever. ‘Cause the Black kids, you’re in… You know, you get ready to face a whole nother world. I got Black kids. I got to get them ready for the white man. I got to get them ready for America, man. You know? That’s right. You know? Not the white man that’s here tonight. You guys all right. Y’all cool. Every one of you, I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards putting little Black girls through private school. Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, “I made a difference.” I was doing a movie a couple of years ago, and one of my bullies was working security on the movie. Shit. A guy who literally one day, in school, turned me upside down and shook the money out of my pockets. And I’m filming a scene… This is in Top Five. And I look and I’m like, “Is that B?” I’ll just say B. And he nodded, kinda… He was kind of ashamed. I just gave him, just a quick look, like, “Hey, man. I hope you doing well. You take care.” And I kept it moving. I didn’t like, “Get him off the set! Get him fired!” It’s like his sin has punished him. He could’ve been my friend. Right. [Chris] Know what I mean? He could’ve been in the trailer with us watching The Godfather. You know what I mean? The fact that he had to go through that whole day and watch me walk around and watch me… I was directing a movie. And watch me be me in all my glory. And to be so close to me, but yet so motherfucking far. Right, you got your revenge. [Chris] You know? I didn’t have to do anything. You ever watch Bugs Bunny? Bugs Bunny? All the time. When did Elmer Fudd get really mad at Bugs Bunny? Not when he shot him in the face with an anvil, not when he hit him over the head with a rock. You know when Elmer Fudd got really mad? When Bugs Bunny kissed him. [Howard chuckles] Yeah, that true. That’s when he would lose his mind. And when somebody does you wrong, just give ’em a kiss. So I’m at the school… I’m at the school, and the lady comes back out. She goes, “I want you to know the school has absolutely no bullies. We have a no-bully policy. We don’t permit bullying. Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately.” And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school. I was, like, “What kinda half-assed education is this?” I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life. Life has assholes. And you should learn how to deal with them as soon as possible. God forbid you wait till you’re 30 to find out people ain’t shit. That’s a lesson you need quick. I know I said you gotta punch your Black son in the face, but, honestly, I believe all children should be punched in the face. Preferably by another child. ‘Cause once you’ve been punched in the face, you learn how to talk to people. You learn tone. That’s right. A lot of teeth been lost over tone. That’s right. One of the problems with the world is we got too many people telling their kids how special they are. These souped-up kids walking the streets today thinking they’re fucking special. I’m walking down the street, there’s always some kid, “Hey, good work, Chris. Really funny, Chris. Love your work.” I’m like, “It’s Mr. Rock, bitch.” Stop telling your kids that they’re special. Maybe they’re special to you. But not to me. I don’t play that shit. Look, every day before my kids leave for school, I get them at the door, I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out. Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you. Nobody thinks you’re cute, nobody thinks you’re smart, nobody gives a fuck about your opinion, nobody on the whole Earth outside of this door gives a fuck about you. Nobody. And even some of the people inside the house, a little on the fence.” We need bullies. How the fuck do you have a school with no bullies? Bullies do half the work. That’s right. Teachers do one half, bullies do the whole other half. And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fucking grown-up. That’s right. Who gives a fuck if you can code… if you start crying because your boss didn’t say hi? “You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me.” I’m tired of this shit, man. We need bullies! Who’s gonna solve the problems of the world? Who’s gonna figure out global warming? Who’s gonna cure cancer? Who’s gonna eradicate poverty? You know who’s gonna do it? Some kid getting his ass kicked by a bully, that’s who. That’s right. Do you understand, “Nerds rule the world”? Always have, always will. Okay? I’ve never gotten a check from somebody taller than me. And I ain’t that tall. Thanks a lot, Mr. Weinstein. That’s how it goes, man. Bullies rule… We need bullies. Need ’em. You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school? “Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker.” “Fuck you, Gates, you four-eyed bitch.” “Fuck you and your Windows, you gape-toothed motherfucker.” “I’mma smack the shit out of you, you fucking Gate.” “Gate, motherfucker. You can’t get in the gate, Gates.” You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school? “Hey, Zuckerfuck.” “Zuckerfucker, motherzucker, motherzuck, zucker, motherzuck, suck-my-nuts-er, zucker, motherzucker, motherzuck, zuckermother, zuckermother, motherzucker.” He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book. He invented Facebook just to get friends. We need bullies. Shit. Pressure makes diamonds, not hugs. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get. You get a dirty shirt. That’s right. Bullies are the fertilizer that help good people to grow. If you want pretty flowers, you need a little shit. I’m telling you, we need fucking bullies. That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now. ‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money. You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds. We need bullies, man. And I hate when people go, “Well, you know what, cyberbullying’s worse.” Shut up. I never heard of anybody getting cyber-kicked down a flight of stairs. I never heard of anybody getting a cyber-bag of piss thrown at them. We need fucking bullies. Shit. That’s how Trump became president. That’s exactly what happened. We got rid of bullies, a real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him. I’m trying to get my life together, man. I’m trying to get a little religion in my life. Just a little. Just a little. Religion’s kind of like salt. A sprinkle’s good, but too much will fuck up the meal. I mean, I’m basically trying to find God before God finds me. But God never finds you at a good time. You’re never sitting courtside at a Knick game, getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and God shows up. “Strokes a good dick, don’t she? I made her. I made your dick, too. Enjoy the game.” God never shows up at those times. No, God shows up after you’ve been raped in jail. And you’re in jail for parking tickets. Now, if you’re in jail for murder and somebody’s raping you, you’re like, “Okay, I guess this is what I deserve. I did kill somebody. Now, somebody’s killing my ass. Rape on.” But if you’re in jail for parking tickets and somebody’s fucking you in your ass, you’re like… “I should have moved that car. What was I thinking? I thought it was Good Friday. They keep moving Easter.” I’m trying to find God before God finds me. But it’s so hard, it’s so hard, ’cause I’m such piece of shit. I try to be good, but I’m such a piece of shit. The other day, I gave the homeless guy five dollars. Should’ve been a good deed. Should’ve been a good deed. But I didn’t give him five dollars for him, I gave him five dollars for me. That’s right. You ever give or do something good just hoping God will notice you? It’s like, I basically was trying to kick-start a blessing. Like, I was basically looking at God as I was giving this bum some money, like, “Look at me, Lord. I’m a good person. Shine your light on me.” And I’m so full of shit, everybody I spoke to that day, I slipped in that I gave this guy five dollars. No matter what they were talking about, “Hey, man, you see LeBron?” “No, I was too busy giving this bum some money. I had no time.” And I’m bragging about giving him five dollars. Meanwhile, I had about 400 in my pocket. I’m going past big money to give him little money. I’m like, “No, no, can’t have that. Nope, nope. Nope, nope, not for you. Nope, nope. That’s for strippers later. Nope, nope.” I gave him enough to get something at McDonalds, but nothing to drink. “Get yourself a number eight… dry.” Just trying to find God before God finds me. I’m so fucked up, man. A lot of religion in the news, man. We ever watch the news, it’s always like, they’re always talking about religious extremists. We’re at war with extremists. Extremists. What is a religious extremist? A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God. You think you believe in God, no, they extremely believe in God. Like, “God coming back on Wednesday at 2:30. I got tickets. Fantasia’s opening for him. I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by.” That’s right, religious extremists extremely believe in God, and occasionally blow shit up. Which is odd when you think about it. ‘Cause if you truly believe in God, you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the Sun. You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe. So if you believe God’s the most powerful being in the universe, why would He need your help? What is that shit? And… That’s right. I mean, here’s the thing. I think the act of helping God is sacrilegious. If you think you can help God out, you don’t believe in God. That’s right. If you really had faith, you’d really have faith. I mean, check this out. I haven’t been to church in ten years. Now, that’s believing in God. Shit, you go every week ’cause you don’t trust God. Is God here yet? Trying to find God before God finds me, man. Another thing religious extremists messed up, man, air travel. Just ruined it, man. Remember, it used to be fun to fly? You could have a 12:00 flight and leave your house at 11:30. And make it. Remember, you used to be able to pick grandmother up at the gate? That’s right. Now, by the time you get her, she done had a heart attack. She’s just dead going around the conveyor belt. “You got a ticket for dead Grandma?” And they got all this security, they take your shoes, they take your shampoo. When did shampoo become so dangerous? They take your shampoo, you get through security, and then they sell shampoo at the gift shop. Sometimes, they’re trying to sell you your own shampoo back. I know my Prell when I see it. Yo, I’m tired of all the security. Yo, they need an airline for people that don’t give a fuck. They need an airline… They need an airline with absolutely no security for people that are in a hurry, and willing to take their lives in their own hands. That’s what they need. I’ll pay an extra $50 for that shit. They need to call it Risky Airlines. That’s right. Risky Airlines, Muslims half price. That’s right. The bigger the beard, the more legroom you get. They won’t even have tickets. They just stamp your hand like you at a club. You’ll be like, “I was in already.” “At Risky Airlines, all our pilots are bad apples.” No, man. Just trying to find God before God finds me, man. Tomorrow’s Sunday. I love getting up on a Sunday and watching the preachers. Preachers. I just love watching the preachers. It’s like, you know… My man, T.D. Jakes. Creflo Dollar. Joel Osteen. Check ’em all out, man. Here’s my question. Why’s God always so broke? God has been suffering financial difficulties… for quite some time. What the fuck? Does God have a bad mortgage? What is… What is going on? Who pays God’s taxes, Wesley Snipes? What’s going on? I don’t understand. Whoo! The Devil’s never broke. Devil making it rain at the strip club. You never see the Devil on TV going, “Hey, this evil ain’t gonna pay for itself.” Nah, man. But I love religion. I love watching religion, studying religion. The cool thing about religion is no matter who you pray to, no matter what you study, every religion follows one basic premise, one basic idea that every religion follows. And that premise is, “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Every religion believes that. Everybody. [imitating preacher] “God does not make… mistakes.” “I say God… does not… [harmonizes] make… mistakes.” God don’t make no mistakes? That’s… Okay. That’s a pretty ambitious thing to say. No mistakes? You ever read the Bible? What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day? “God rested.” Okay. Seems odd that a perfect being would rest. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been performing a task, it was going perfect, and you took a rest? Has that ever happened in your life? No! That has never fucking happened to you. What’s happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, and you thought, “Let me rest… before I fuck this up some more.” “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Hush your mouth. God makes plenty of mistakes. You ever see a porcupine? Can’t eat it, can’t hug it. It’s ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place. Mistake! What about quicksand? Sand you can drown in. You can drown dry. Do you think God meant to make quicksand? Mistake! You ever been to Mississippi? Mistake! M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E! Fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt. Fucking Mississippi. I was there couple of months ago. I couldn’t even tell what year it was. That’s how fucked up and ghetto that shit was. Like, goddamn! You know what Mississippi’s like? You know like when you go to the Caribbean? You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van. That drive. That scary-ass drive… from the airport to the resort. You’re looking out the window and you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that shit? Oh, my God. Whoa!” You see little kids eating dreadlocks. You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog. Shabba, Shabba, Shabba, Shabba! People looking like they’d never saw a car before. “Wheel! Wheel!” Then you get to the resort and you’re like, “Jamaica’s nice. It’s so nice. We should invite your mother.” Shit. They give you one piña colada… and you forgive the worst poverty you’ve ever seen. You take one sip, you’re like, “That baby wasn’t really dead, right? I can’t wait to Jet Ski.” Trying to find God before God finds me. Trying to get my life together, man. I had a crazy… Last few years have been crazy for me, man. Uh, you know, taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced. Divorced. No, no, don’t… [scattered applause] No, don’t clap for that shit unless you’re a lawyer. You don’t wanna get divorced, let me tell you right now. I’m talking from hell. You don’t want this shit. Tell you right, if you got somebody you love, hold tight. That’s right. Hold fucking tight. Commit. Don’t be the one that’s always threatening to leave, too. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. If you’re gonna leave, leave right now. That’s right, at the show, right now. That’s right, just break up. We got break up booths in the back. That’s right. But before you leave, you better… You better make sure you got some options. ‘Cause some of y’all been in a relationship so long, you don’t know how ugly you are. Before you leave, just take off all your clothes, stand in a mirror, like… “This is what I’m putting on the market.” You might need sit-ups or counseling. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out, okay? You hear me? I’m telling you right now. If you’re in a relationship, all you should be doing is fucking and going places. That’s all you should be doing. Having sex and traveling. Fucking and going places. You should be coming and going. That’s all you should be doing, okay? People say, “Relationships are tough.” No, they not. They’re only tough when one person is working on it. That’s right. Two people can move a couch real easy. One person can’t move it at all. That’s right. If you’re in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, okay? I’m trying to fucking help you, okay? Okay. First rule, rule one, stop competing. It’s not a fucking competition. That’s right. Her success is your success and your success is her success. Stop competing. Stop it, okay? Number two. Number two, okay? There is no equality in a relationship. It’s like, “We equals.” No, you’re not. You’re both there to serve. You are in the service industry, okay? That’s right, when you are in a relationship, you’re in a band. You’re in a fucking band. And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead, and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. If you gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right. You play it with your ass, like, “Tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” Play it like Tina Turner. That’s right, you in a band. It’s like Hall & Oates. I don’t know what Oates does. But Hall never had a hit record without him. Yeah. You wanna stay together. How do you stay together? You gotta fuck. It’s that simple. You gotsta fuck. People will say, “Oh, when we got together, it was so much fun but then problems arose.” No, they didn’t. Nothing arose. Every problem you have today, you had when you met. But you were fucking, so you forgave. That’s right. You knew he didn’t do dishes. But he gave you good dick. That was a swell trade, dick for dishes. You used to love washing them dick dishes. So you knew she couldn’t cook, but she licked your balls. You’re like, “Ah, keep licking. We’ll order in.” You gotsta fuck. You got to fuck, you gotta keep it up. And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you in. You got to keep the shit moving. You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, are you listening to me? Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy dick. You got to do what you got to do. ‘Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood. “I can’t believe there’s no gas in the car.” “I can’t believe there’s so much mold in the basement.” Shit, I’d eat pussy on 9/11. Where were you? No, man, you gotsta fuck, man. Dude, I was married for 16 years. For 16 years. Yes, that’s a long run. Hamilton won’t last that long. I was married for 16 years in the era of the cell phone, which means… my 16 years is actually longer than my parents’ 40. In my 16 years, I had more contact with my ex-wife than my parents had in 40 fucking years. Think about it. My father used to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning, come home at 8:30 at night, and during the day, him and my mother had no contact at all. That’s what a fucking relationship used to be. That’s right. The kids could’ve died, and he wouldn’t have found that shit out till he got home. He’d be like, “The kids died?” “What time?” “About eight hours ago.” “Oh, shit.” They had no contact at all. That’s what… Everybody’s parents in here, that’s what a relationship was. When they got together, they actually used to talk. You know why? ‘Cause each one of them had pertinent information that was useful to the other one. That’s right. “Baby, how was your day?” “Whitey didn’t get me.” “Didn’t get me, either.” “I love you.” You know why else they used to talk? You know why else? ‘Cause they used to miss each other. They used to actually miss each other. You can’t miss nobody today. They right in your back pocket. They with you all the fucking time. That’s right. Soon as you leave the house, you get a fucking beep, you get a text, you get a FaceTime, you get a fucking Snapchat, you get some kind of fucking communication. Then your woman got the nerve to go, “You act like you don’t wanna talk.” “What are you talking about? I know everything you did today, and I know how people felt about it.” “That’s right. I read the comments, motherfucker.” “I gave you five likes, bitch. Shit.” “I gave you three smiley faces and a eggplant.” “Now, get off my back.” Dude, I was not, like, a good husband. I was fucked up, you know. I was addicted to porn. I know, billion-dollar industry, just me, right? I was addicted to porn, and, you know… I was 15 minutes late everywhere. I got some witnesses. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens to you. You become, like, sexually autistic. You develop, like, sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and verbal cues. You want everything to be routine. Like, you can’t choke your woman every night. You got to mix it up. Choke-Out Thursdays. And what happens when you watch too much porn? You get desensitized, you know? When you start watching porn, it’s like any porn will do. Like, “Ah, they’re naked.” Ooh-hoo! Then, later on, now you’re all fucked up and you need a perfect porn cocktail… to get you off, you know? I was so fucked up. I’d need a Asian girl with a Black girl’s ass that speaks Spanish… just to get my dick to move an inch. I’m good now. Man, I had to go to rehab, get the porn patch. I’m a lot better now. Ladies, that’s right, take care of your man. Fellas, take care of your wife, your girlfriend. Take care of her or she will leave you. She will leave you either physically or mentally. A woman can leave you mentally. That’s right, like Star Trek, just telepath out this motherfucker. There’s guys, they think they’re with their wife right now. But no, n*gga, she left you months ago. She just came ’cause you got tickets. She ain’t with you, she with me. Man, the older you get, the bullshit you learn… One thing, the gangster-est shit in the world. You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter, nothing more powerful than a housewife. Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth. People think it’s the working woman. No. Suckers work. That’s right. Smart people find other people to work for them. That’s right, that’s right. They got The Housewives of Atlanta. They don’t got The Working Bitches of Atlanta. Nobody would watch that show. A housewife’s a bad motherfucker, boy. ‘Cause a housewife has convinced her husband that it’s his house, too. There’s a lot of guys in here, right now, think they own a house, think it’s their house, too. No, she took that house years ago, and the kids were in on it. That’s right. The housewife is a bad motherfucker. ‘Cause the housewife got a little time. That’s right. So before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together and they rehearse a little play… that they do when Daddy get home. “Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?” “I miss you, Daddy.” “Good. Good. You say that soon as he walk in, okay? I need you to grab his leg and don’t let go. I’m gonna give him a big piece of chicken and when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house, ha-ha!” That’s right, fellas, you don’t own a house. If you live with a woman, you don’t have a house. That is her fucking house. The only man that owns anything is a single man, okay? And, fellas, here’s a test right now. If you really think you own a house… Just a test. Okay, fellas, tonight, when you go home, I want you to try… I want you to try… Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try to hang up a picture of your mother. It’s your house, right? Give it a shot. “What’s that?” “It’s a picture of my mother.” “I don’t like that frame.” You’ll never see that picture again. Maybe at your mother’s funeral, she’ll go, “Look what I found.” Motherfucker. And don’t get mad. Do not get mad at your woman. Whatever you do, do not get mad. ‘Cause if you get mad at your woman, she will get mad at you. And you’re mad ’cause you can’t hang up a picture of your mother. But she’s mad at you for having the audacity to get mad at her. You’re actually mad about a actual thing she did. And she’s just mad that you had the nerve to react to the thing that she did. You didn’t do nothing, now you gotta apologize to move this shit on. Like, “Hey, baby, I’m sorry. I should’ve known my mother’s face didn’t deserve to be on the walls of our house. Uh, I will never do something that stupid again. Uh, maybe I’ll hang it up in my office or something. I would appreciate it. Um, thank you. Thank you, honey. I love you. If it helps, fuck my mother. Okay? Fuck her.” Oh, man. And if she gets real mad… If your woman gets real mad, then she’ll issue a pussy strike. You don’t want that. Nothing worse than a pussy strike. That’s right. Remember the pussy strike of 2013? That was a tense negotiation. The union was tough. That’s right, man. Pussy strike. Pussy embargo. Pussy sanctions. Treat your dick like it’s Cuba. That’s right. Pussy strike is the most deadly weapon in the female arsenal. But it has to be deployed correctly. Lot of women don’t know how to give the pussy strike. That’s right. Some of y’all don’t know how to give a proper pussy strike. Here’s the thing about a pussy strike. The pussy strike only works if you fuck your husband regularly. That’s right. You can’t threaten a man with sex he don’t ever get. You’re like, “I won’t suck your dick.” “You don’t suck my dick now. What other fantasy things are you gonna take out of my life? You want to take the keys to my spaceship? You want to take my pet tiger? What else? What else you gonna take?” That’s right. Ladies, you gotta fuck your husbands. You gotta fuck ’em! You have to fuck these motherfuckers. You have to do it. ‘Cause if you don’t fuck him, he will build up antibodies to your pussy. That’s right. The more you fuck him, the weaker he is. But if you don’t fuck him, he will build up his own opinion. You don’t want that. Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the fucking prize! Shit, man. Here’s a thing, too. Here’s another good reason to fuck your husband. God forbid you’re ever in a horrible train accident. That’s right. And your whole body is mangled and ripped up. And the only thing left… is the pussy. And your husband has to come down to the morgue and identify the pussy so you could get a proper burial. If you haven’t been having sex, that’s gonna be hard. And he gets down there, the mortician’s like, “I’mma pull back this sheet, and when I do, I need you to identify the pussy, okay?” And he pulls back the sheet and your husband’s like, “I don’t know. I… I can’t really… I can’t, uh… [chuckles nervously] You sure she was on the train? Uh…” “Uh, can you make it go like this?” [pretend-crying] That’s my wife. That’s my wife.” Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband, got a good man, hold on tight, or another woman will take your husband. They’ll take him. There’s women in here right now with stolen husbands. You know who you are. You’re like, “That bitch was slipping.” That’s right, hold tight or another woman will take your man. Fellas, you don’t got to really worry about that. Nobody’s taking your wife. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they’ll fuck your wife. Oh, they’ll fuck her good. They’ll fuck her better than you. But they’re not gonna take her. There’s no guy going, “Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him. I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother.” Oh, they’ll fuck her and then they’ll return her. “I believe this is yours. The bitch had me feeling bad about myself.” Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. Hey, it’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man, just… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True, true, you know. You know, I had a attitude. I thought, “I pay for everything, I can do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You got to play the tambourine. Everybody got to play the tambourine. I cheated. Yeah, I’m serious. I’m not… I’m not bragging. I cheated. I was on the road and… I end up sleeping with three different women. It’s like fucked up. You know what’s fucked up? Here’s the thing. When guys cheat, it’s like, we want something new. We want something new, right? But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out, and now, she’s new. She’s never the same again. So now you got new, but you got a bad new. You know, you got bad fucking new, man. Every woman here right now is like, “Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man? I thought…” “You, I thought you was all right. You?” “Come on, Chris, what the fuck is wrong with you?” “What the fuck is wrong with men?” I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now. Every woman in here is like, “Fuck you, Chris.” And every guy in here right now is going, “Three?” “That’s it? Just three?” “Goddamn, man.” “I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that.” “Three?” “You must’ve really loved your wife.” “You a romantic.” Yo, man, it’s fucked, man. I remember, right, when my divorce was final, I was at a party and I saw Rihanna. I was like, “Okay. Let’s start this again.” So, I’m at this party, I see Rihanna. I was like, “Okay. Let me say, ‘What’s up?'” And I’m like, I said, “How you doing, Rihanna?” You ever forget how old you are? Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like… She didn’t even register me as a dick-carrying member of society. Like, I would’ve had a easier time fucking Aretha Franklin. And I mean that respectfully, okay? She was asking me about other dudes. “Have you seen Ray J?” I’m like, “Fuck Ray J. I hate that n*gga.” Yo, you don’t want to get divorced, man. This shit is no joke, man. I had to go through a custody fight for my kids, just to see my kids, man. That shit’s fucked up, man. First of all, you don’t wanna be a man in family court, and you don’t wanna be a Black man in any court. Yeah. Even the Black judge comes to work with his lawyer, and he keeps his robe on all day. Writes “judge” on the back, just in case somebody thinks it’s a n*gga with a cape. “Is that a n*gga with a cape?” “Nope, just the judge.” Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man. Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids. You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth. So, I bought a house around the corner, okay? Like, fucking quarter of a mile, like, right around the fucking corner. Damn near the same house, okay? But… wasn’t enough, man. I went in there, that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep.” I was like, “What? You think I got a manger, what? Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?” Okay. Show them the picture, right? But that wasn’t enough. Then the judge was like, “Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside to make sure the children have enough to eat.” I’m like… “What have you heard about me? I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown.” Yo, man. Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced. I’m telling you right now, if you ever do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit. If you hug ’em, take a picture, if you feed ’em, take a picture. ‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love. Winter is coming. Whoo! But it worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids, okay. I see my kids all the time. I got my custody. Shit worked out, okay? But that shit was like humiliating, man, trying to prove your parenthood, man. So I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship, but after you go through that shit, you’re like, “Am I gonna lose my kids?” I was like, “Yo, I’m going hard every time I have my kids.” I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard. “I don’t know what you’re doing at your mom’s house, but we’re gonna top that shit… every motherfucking time, okay?” Sometimes I bring guest stars. I make sure they go back to her with a story like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework.” “Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich.” You all think I’m bullshitting. Then check my Instagram, all right? And the crazy thing is… So after you get through the custody thing, then you got to divide the money, that’s fucking scary shit, man. And whoever… Whoever… makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person, so I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me. That’s like hiring a hitman to kill you. It’s like, “Okay. Here’s a picture of me. I’mma be at Burger King at 10:38, okay? Shoot me in the head and give me a call.” So… I’m in court… Yo, one day I’m in court, and I’m just looking around, and she got three lawyers, I got three lawyers. Shit’s expensive as fuck. She got three lawyers, I got three lawyers. The judge, the bailiff, the stenographer. I’m looking at all these motherfuckers, man. It’s like, “Wow, look at this whole… town, just here.” I’m looking at all these people and realize, everybody in this room is far more educated than me, everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, okay? I got college motherfuckers coming at me, right? And I realized everybody in the room was born to much better circumstances than me. I’m from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby. And everybody in there is there to take my money. It’s like, everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me. And they got up that morning, they brushed their teeth, they put on suits, they fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit. And at that moment, I realized something. I made it. I made it. Started from the bottom, now I’m here. I made it, man. After that, I was like, “Fuck it. Take it. Whatever you need, take it. I’ll be all right. I’mma work. It’s gonna be good.” ‘Cause here’s the crazy thing, man. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn. Like, I bought this shit on myself, you know. Nobody told me to go hoe up, you know. I brought this shit on myself. And you got to learn some lessons, some man lessons, okay? I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness that you have to accept when you’re a man, especially a Black man. It’s like, the world is cold as a motherfucker, okay? You get older, the one thing I learned… Only women, children and dogs… are loved unconditionally. Women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something, okay? I’ve never heard a woman in my life say, “You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer.” [laughs sarcastically] You ain’t never heard that shit. No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say, “A broke man is like a broke hand, can’t do nothing with it.” What kind of gangster shit is that? That’s right. Women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. That’s right. Fellas, when you meet a new girl, what do your friends ask you? “What she look like?” Ladies, when you meet a new guy, what do your friends ask you? “What does he do? What the fuck does that n*gga do that can help you out? Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not?” That’s right. Every man in this room is a job loss away from losing their woman. You think you know her right now, you don’t know shit. Lose your job for three weeks, motherfucker, and you will meet her. Every man in this room is a job loss away. Okay? Even right now, Michelle Obama is looking at Barack going, “What’s your plans, n*gga? How’s that book turning out? I need to see some pages.” Yo, man. It’s a harsh, cold world, man. But I brought this on myself, man. When you get older, you learn shit, man. But, you know, women cheat, too. Women cheat. We don’t do this shit by ourselves. Women cheat, too. They’re just better at it than guys. Guys, we’re horrible cheats. We always get caught late night, come home smelling like hotel soap. Your woman’s like, “What’s that smell?” “I don’t know.” Then you take off your clothes and a little bar of soap falls out your ass. “I knew it!” It’s crazy that guys, we get caught so easy. It’s so easy to catch us ’cause it’s always the new chick. It’s the new chick at work, new chick at school. “Ah, that bitch.” Women, when you catch a woman, it’s always some motherfucker you done met ten times. He been all up in your house, he drank your Pellegrino. Then one day you give him a good look, you’re like, “Wait a minute. Craig ain’t in the book club. This n*gga can’t read.” Oh, man. I’m retired, I’m… This cheat shit, I’m done. I’m done. You get a certain age, you got in a lot of shit, lose enough shit, it’s like, “Fuck this, I’m done cheating.” I… Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more. Peace is better than pussy. Peace makes my dick hard. I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker. You wanna be my girl, be peaceful. Just some peace, motherfucker. That’s right. I ain’t cheating at all. I mean, unless Rihanna, you know. Like I keep half a Viagra in my wallet, just in case she ever goes through an “old comedians” phase. “Rihanna fucked Eddie Griffin. Shit, I gotta get over there.” “Fucking Eddie Griffin. Goddamn!” It’s all good, man. Now I’m dating. I’m actually dating. It’s just weird, man. It’s weird. I was married for a long time. You know, I date some girls my age and some little younger. That shit is crazy, man. Yo, shit has changed. These girls fuck fast now. They fuck fast and they leave. They just get the fuck out your house. They just fuck and leave. I’m like, “Where are you going? It’s your place.” They used to wanna cuddle or something. Them motherfuckers be gone. And they fuck immediately. I’m a grown man and I’m like, “This is inappropriate.” My God, young girls like to get on top, always wanna get on top. “Let me ride it, Daddy. Let me get on top. Let me ride. Let me get on top. Let me ride it, let me ride it, let me ride.” You can’t get no 45-year-old woman to get on top. She’s like, “N*gga, you lucky I’m laying like this. I’ll turn over to help you finish, but that’s about it. These knees are delicate.” But them young girls like, “Let me get on top. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me get on top.” I’m laying back, this girl’s bouncing on my dick, I can’t tell if I’m fucking or changing oil. “Let me get on top. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me ride it.” Shit, I’m on Tinder right now under my own name. My friends are like, “You can’t be under your own name. What if you find a woman that just wants you because you’re Chris Rock?” I’m like, “But I am Chris Rock. What should I put, Cedric the Entertainer?” Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now is me, butt naked, holding a microphone… and a tambourine. I’m out of here. Y’all take care. Thank you. [mic thuds] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-confirmed-kills-transcript/ | Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills (2016) – Full Transcript | iliza shlesinger | Chicago, are you ready? Party goblins, are you ready? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Iliza! Chicago! Thank you! Thank you for having me. I’d like to discuss something with you. There are two kinds of hungover. There’s the kind of hungover where you wake up the next morning and you’re like, “What? I touched his penis over his jeans? It’s okay, I’m sassy.” And then… there’s the kind of hungover where whatever happened the night before wasn’t even your fault. Because you weren’t mentally present for any of it. For ’twas not you that was is charge. ‘Twas your party goblin! Yeah. Just so you know, your party goblin sleeps in the back of your brain. For those of you that are unfamiliar with my work, she sleeps in the back of your brain – and she waits… – on a pile of rags… and regrets… and old Tiger Beat magazines. She waits! For the perfect opportunity. She’s back there in your brain, sleeping her goblin sleep, just… Channing Tatum, stick of butter. And she will awaken… when she hears you say… “I guess I’ll just come out for one drink.” “I’ll just come out for one because I have to be up early.” Eat that sandwich out of the garbage and text your ex-boyfriend that you love him then turn your phone off! And by the way, there is zero culpability on the part of your party goblin. She’s not there the next morning like, “Oh, my God, are you okay? Do you need Pedialyte?” No! She doesn’t give a fuck. She straight up ghosts at, like, 3:00 a.m. when you’re shit-faced in the back of an Uber, right? You scooped yourself into the back of this car. Your crowing achievement of the evening is that you didn’t die. And we’ve all had that moment. Anybody that’s been out drinking, you’ve been out, it’s been loud, there’s been yelling, dancing, you stole an ambulance, it’s been a crazy night. We’ve all had that moment of solitary drunken serenity where you get in the back of the car and you shut the door and for the first time all night it’s quiet. And you think, “Oh, my God, I made it.” Followed by, “I’m gonna throw up.” And the car is going, you’re like, “Oh, fuck!” You’re trying to hold it in, right? You roll the window down. You’re like, “Agh! It’s too much air!” You roll the window back up. You’re like, “Too much me!” You crack the window. You’re like, “No!” The vomit’s coming up. It’s right here, like A1 Steak Sauce, it gets you here. You’re like, “Uhh!” You’re trying to focus on anything to distract you. You’re listening to the radio. For the first time ever, you’re paying attention to the words of a Pitbull song. You’re like… # Uno, dos, tres… # We get it! We get it! You look at party goblin, she’s loving it. She’s got her head out her window like… And you know it’s your party goblin that got you by the manner in which you wake up the next morning. If you wake up. If you wake up, Chicago. You wake up… When party goblin gets you, you wake up on your couch. Beds are for closers. You wake up on your couch, okay? You ever pass out on a pillow so hard, you get a cushion scar down the side of your face? And you wake up, no idea where you are, no idea where you were. You check your wrist, it’s just a dirty patchwork of entry stamps. Putting the pieces together from the night before is like the plot from Memento. No idea. You check your Instagram feed, it’s a blurry feed of pictures you took of your own face from this angle. It’s just me and three girls in a bathroom in East LA like, “Squad goals.” Who the fuck are they? I don’t know, but I think I’m in the gang now, right? No idea what you did the night before. We… I… You know when party goblin gets you by the amount that you sleep. I slept for 15 hours the other day. I slept so long, my muscles atrophied. Okay? I turned to fucking stone. You ever pass out with your full body weight on your hands, like… No blood in, no blood out. Your hands are just purple, bloated flippers. I slept so long, I almost died. Like, there was a point at around 4:00 p.m. where my soul was like, “Should I just go?” There’s different kinds of drunk. Some people think they get smarter when they’re drunk, some people wanna talk. The Latin phrase is in vino veritas, which means, “in wine, there’s truth,” which is why when girls get drunk, we’re always like, “Can I just tell you a secret?” “I don’t have a neck.” I don’t really make a lot of drunk mistakes but I worry when I make dumb decisions when I’m drunk for this simple fact. In my group of friends, I’m the alpha. I decide what we do. Obviously. I pick the restaurants, I pick the bars, mostly because no one cares, but I am the decision-maker. And what worries me is, if I’m doing stupid shit when I’m drunk, what hope do the sheep who I lead have… if that’s my example? So this is the story of one such night. So, we were out the other night and we were shit-canned. Like, the kind of drunk where you can’t even read. And then you realize it’s because… you’re in China Town. Actually, you know you’re fucked up when you’re in China Town and you can read. Ohhh! Ancient secrets, not so hidden. So… We’re drunk and we’re walking through China Town and we walk into a bar. I’m reticent to say that it’s a club because I’m 33, but there was a dance floor, a DJ and I had on a little body glitter, okay! You’re probably wondering, “Why are you wearing body glitter?” I will tell you, Chicago. Because my date was late to pick me up. Gentlemen! You need to know this about women. When we get ready, we have a list of things we do to reach our most attractive point. There is an apex, nay, a pinnacle of beauty… that women reach when they’re getting ready. And every minute you’re late to get us is one more minute we spend doubting ourselves, dicking with our makeup, and we get incrementally uglier… as time goes on. One time, my date was an hour late, I grew a tail. This guy was only 30 minutes late, thank God. He walks in, I’m on the ground, there’s caboodle shrapnel everywhere. I’ve got a Wet N Wild lip gloss wand, I’m like, “I’m a pretty girl!” “Save yourself.” But what happens is, we have time, so we start to add things, doubt ourselves. That’s where I found that glitter. “He’s not here. What’s this?” In hindsight, it wasn’t body glitter, it was straight-up craft glitter. But I was like, “I’m gonna put it on my face, make it dainty.” Do you ever feel that? Do you ever feel that you can make something work? Do you ever feel that because you’re not trashy, you can pull off doing something that’s trashy? You’re like, “I can wear fishnet stockings, I went to Stanford.” Like it’s okay for some reason. That’s how I felt about that body glitter. I was like, “I’ll just do a little bit. I’ll do a classy amount. I’m just gonna do a little bit.” Fun fact, you know what body glitter up close looks like? Conjunctivitis. Like, real up close. “I’ll do a little.” Five minutes later, “Maybe just highlight the orbital rim. That way when we’re dancing, the light will hit it and it’ll be like, ‘Bing, anime! Ah!’ Keep going. Keep going.” Five more minutes later, “Maybe I’ll bring a little bit down here and highlight the jawbone so he knows I, what, come from good chewing stock?” Five more minutes later, sparkle fish! So now… I look like a goddamn road flare and we’re in public. So… We walk into this bar and one of the difficult parts about being a woman, besides everything, is that… It’s really hard. Is that you’re constantly battling with yourself. In the long run, we’re battling our weight, hair color, wrinkles. Minute to minute, it’s just an adjustment of your hair and your bra and your underwear and your makeup and your mustache, braid it, bead it, set it. You’re always doing something. Because if one thing is off, then the night is ruined, Scott, okay? One time, I left my house without mascara on. I did a U-turn on a four-lane highway. Like, “No!” “They will see the whites of my eyes!” Everything has to be perfect. And guys, it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting being a girl. Did you know, fun scientific fact that I made up on the way here, that women get four minutes out of every night, four minutes out of every night where our brain sends a message to our body saying, “Everything’s okay, stop messing with it”? Four minutes out of every night where your brain sends a message to your body like, “Homeostasis achieved.” You’re like… And the rest of the time, it’s just mayhem! Everything has to be perfect. So, we walk into this bar, my first thought… “I gotta fix my lip liner. Now!” I’m not even a big lip liner wearer, but in that moment, ’twas everything. In that moment, I believed fixing my lip liner is what stood between me and eternal happiness, okay? I had to take a liner, I had to find my liner and line my chola lips, okay? That’s what I had to do. So glad that got a response. In North Carolina, nothing. Okay. Had to fix my lip liner, had to be right then. To the gentlemen in the room, I don’t expect you to understand the urgency with which I had to fix my lip liner. The only thing I could liken it to in male culture is, like… when you feel you have to adjust your balls. Similar immediacy. As we’ve seen, unfortunately. When you feel that’s gotta happen, it’s gotta happen now! Go! Go! Go! In front of children, Christmas Eve, family portrait, messing with my dick. # Messing with my dick in public # Wahoo! # It’s a dick puzzle and I’m solving it now # # Maximum comfort at any cost # # This is my right, Nancy, get off my back # So… So many guys right now have to adjust. They’re like, “I’m not gonna do it!” I believe that’s what Elvis was doing. Makes sense. Needed my liner. Now you understand that I needed it, guys, okay? Needed the fucking liner. That means I had to find the liner in my bag. However, I had a big bag. There’s a very specific way that women will search for something when we have a big bag. What do you do? You take a designated search claw… and you plunge it. Never breaking eye contact with your prey, I mean your date. Notice I haven’t blinked, Chicago. Dedication acting. The constant eye contact being a reminder that, yes, I can multitask and keep talking. I’ll make a great partner. Marry me. Meanwhile, to the outside world, it looks like you’re wrestling with a very small bass. If you’re a pro, you keep conversation moving. Still haven’t blinked. If you’re a pro, you keep conversation moving. “I’m listening. Keep talking. Keep talking. I can look and listen. Say FanDuel one more time, motherfucker. I’m listening.” You’re digging around in there. Meanwhile, as a woman, you’re having to come to terms with the seventh layer of hell that is the bottom of your bag. It’s just a graveyard of dismembered pens, there’s coins. Why is there always a Nature’s Valley granola bar crumbled… at the bottom? You stick your hand down, you come up with oats between your fingernails. You’re like, “Ow! Ow!” Digging around. A gym lock, a phone charger, a concealer without its lid. Why? Why can’t we make them with retractable lids that don’t break off? Because you stick your hand down there, unknowingly you come up with one creamy finger. You’re like, “No!” “No!” But it was expensive, so you’re like, “No!” So now you look amazing. Keep looking, keep looking. Bits of paper. A sock. Keep looking. Tampon out of its wrapper. Maybe I keep it. No, I’ll get sick. Digging around. If it’s out of the wrapper, don’t keep it. Sometimes it’s like, “I’ll just…” Don’t blow on it and… You’re gonna get dysentery, you’ll never finish the Oregon Trail. Seven or eight seconds go by, I cannot find my lip liner. Seven or eight seconds go by, which in girl years is, like, forever, I cannot find my lip liner. So, what’s a logical thing to do? Maybe use the other hand to add to the search, right? To aid in the excavation. Maybe get a cellular device to illuminate the situation. Not me! I dropped to my knees on a dance floor, dumped out the bag and start sifting through it like Helen Keller learning how to spell water. Fun fact. Girls, if you wanna let people around you know that you’re absolutely not on the same mental playing field as them, a great way to do it, I found, is to dump our personal property onto a shared communal space, because that immediately lets other bar-goers know, “I don’t give a fuck!” “Where is it?” This body language, this body language, this feral-raccoon-like body language… was enough to alert the door guy. You’re a door guy at a busy nightclub, you’ve got a lot to deal with. However, he found my witch over a cauldron behavior… threatening enough to leave his post, flashlight in hand, and walk up to me. He was a big guy. He was, like, six-eight, black guy, good-looking. I had to say he was good-looking. Because I said he was black. Seems to be the face of thinly-veiled political correctness in our country, if you say someone’s color, other than white, you must assign them an accolade, deserved or otherwise, to prove that you’re not racist, when in the first place, I wasn’t fucking racist, I was giving you an accurate depiction of the events that transpired. I didn’t see his face! Dude had a flashlight in my eye! I can tell you this much. Black, white or other, there’s no way he was hot. He’s six-eight. They get weird-looking after a certain height, okay? Structurally, it gets weird. Okay. I am not wrong. #IAmNotWrong Okay, so… It’s true. There’s no hot giants. So he Shreks up to me… And I feel his presence and I see the ball of light and I hear his voice and he goes, “Everything a’ight over here?” Fucking no, dude, everything is most definitely not a’ight. I’m on the floor. I don’t exist on this plane. Fun fact about being on the floor. As an adult, when you choose to take it to this place, you lose all credibility. Nobody wants to hear the prerogative of someone on the floor. If you have to crane your neck up to explain yourself, you are fucked, okay? You don’t believe me? You ever tried to get the life story of someone sitting on a curb? No. Because they were sitting on a fucking curb and you didn’t wanna talk to them. They were someone who’s drunk, on a lot of meth or like a really pissed off bridesmaid just waiting for the service to be over. But now I’m on the floor and I’m nervous because that’s an authority figure and in my head I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I’m gonna go a bar jail.” “What if they repossess my wedges?” But I was drunk and in my head I’m like, “It’s cool. Be smart. Explain what you’re doing. Whatever you do, Iliza, just sound intelligent.” Instead, what came out of my mouth was, “I gotta find my lip liner, man!” And… what I feel he understood, nay respected, nay… Neigh. Resonated with wasn’t that I had to find my lip liner. What I feel he understood was the sheer amount of white-girl crazy… coming out from behind my eye. Because he then gave me the international verbal sign for, “I respect you and fear you, I’m going to back off,” which is… “A’ight, then.” And he just walked away. I never found my lip liner. It was, like, in my other bag. I didn’t like that experience. I didn’t like being on the floor. And I didn’t like being on the floor for a very specific reason. As a woman, I didn’t need a reminder of how vulnerable women are on a day-to-day basis. Being on the floor, it’s a very vulnerable place. I didn’t need that reminder. And women in our society are vulnerable by virtue of the fact that we are physically not as strong as men. That’s the root of the issue, that’s the root of the oppression. And that’s the root of oppression of any side of war throughout history. One side was stronger, they get to make the rules. Do you think for a second that if women were physically stronger than men we would’ve waited for the right to vote? It’s 1910, some jacked-up housewife is just putting up weight in her garage. She’s got a shaker of horse testosterone and creatine. Her little husband comes in, he’s like, “You’re not voting.” She’d be like… “Out of the way, Jedediah.” “Mama’s going to the polls.” It’s physical strength, that’s the root of the issue. Physical strength. And they try to placate women. They try to tell us we’re other types of strong. Sure. But none that matter as much as physical strength. “Well, you’re a woman, so… mentally strong.” Mentally strong. You put up with him all day, huh?” Pfft! Mentally strong. Mentally strong? What do I do with that? Mentally strong. What do I do when a rapist runs at me? Math? It’s physical strength. Physical strength is what counts when it comes to protecting yourself and women are only naturally physically super-human strong when it comes to two things. The first is a recent one, and that’s CrossFit, which… It’s enough, by the way. It’s a cult. Okay? It’s insane. It goes… Scientology, CrossFit, people without celiac disease that don’t eat gluten. It’s a cult, okay? It’s enough. “I can deadlift 600 pounds.” Cool. What Starbucks do you work at? What are you… Guard a village. Join up. What are you doing with that muscle, all the horse meat? The workouts that they’re doing, it’s all snake oil, I believe, okay? Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, the foundations of a military workout, these are applicable in the rest of your life. Instead, they’ve got a father of six at 7 a.m. flipping a monster truck tire? Why? When do you need that? When do you need to know the form for that? What post-apocalyptic gorilla playground… are you gonna find yourself in? Why don’t we give you an empty suitcase to throw around your cage, Peaches? And the rope thing. There are other ways to build up your pectoral muscles. Men have been doing it for centuries. Instead they’ve got you using a rope. When are you gonna use that? “Timmy’s stuck down by the dock under some boat rope!” “I got it!” And the only time that women are naturally, exceptionally physically strong is when it comes to childbirth. And that’s amazing. Yes. It’d be amazing if those were all men with, like, really high-pitched voices. It’s an amazing amount of super-human strength that unfairly women only get to tap into when they’re having a baby. You only get to tap into that super-human strength once, maybe twice a year, but that second baby’s gonna be very tiny. You only get to use it then. That’s a disproportionate amount of strength. Mother Nature is playing a cruel joke on us. Do you know how many pounds of pressure per square snootch inch it takes to deliver a baby? We’re not even using our hands! You’re like python-like digesting a goat. “Get out of there!” Using fucking grit and rage and, like, a mother’s love, but just, “Aghh!” Sparta! Just fucking going. You can do that with your body, yet the rest of the year, we have trouble not doing push-ups on our knees. That doesn’t seem fair. We’re only exceptionally strong when it comes to children. We have something called mama bear strength. So that means when your child is in danger, your child, someone else’s child, “Sorry, junior.” Your child… “Lift the piano off your legs yourself, okay, I’m not your mama.” When your child is in danger, in that moment, through adrenaline, you can develop super-human strength and save the baby. So if your child is trapped under a car, you can go ahead and flip that Buick like an orangutan, no problem. Yet if you’re a single girl walking alone on a Saturday night and some maniac runs at you, what’s your defense? Like, “No, two plus two is four.” We’re millennials, we’d probably use our phone calculators. That’s why sexual harassment is such a big deal. It really has less to do with the disgusting thing a man feels he has the right to yell at you out of van or a truck. Never out of a Civic for some reason. But for the girls that might not know, you can wear whatever you want. It doesn’t give someone the right to treat you like an animal. You can wear whatever you want. You can leave the house out naked. You will go to jail, but you can do whatever you want. But it has less to do with what a man is yelling at you, and nobody wants to say this, but I will, what it has to do with is the underlying notion that if that man wanted to act on it, he could. And if you don’t believe me, every girl knows what it’s like, a guy yells something disgusting at you, and because you’re strong, you yell back. He’s like, “Nice tits.” You’re like, “Fuck off!” Immediately followed by, “What if he kills me?” Like, there’s that moment. Hoping to God that your bark was big enough that you don’t have to take a lady bite. Being sexually harassed is the worst. I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. Being sexually harassed by an ugly guy is the worst. If he’s hot, it’s just plain old flirting. No one’s ever been like, “Get away from me, you model!” That’s fine. It has to do also with an unrequited, uninvited sexual energy. And women are very aware of that. Every woman in here knows what it feels like to have a guy’s eyes on you when you find him attractive. It’s the best feeling. When you see hot guys and you walk by, you’re like, “Hope they’re looking at my butt. I feel so good about my little haunches.” When the dudes are gross and you walk by, you’re like, “Please don’t look at my butt, please don’t look at my butt.” Having someone sexually harass you, it’s their energy on you. It feels like you’re getting shot with a dick gun. That’s what it feels like. Minding your own business, like, “I love being an independent woman.” “Nice tits!” “Agh!” Aw, he got a boner for free. Women have to think about these things. It’s hard being a girl. I haven’t been a guy in, like, a while, but it is difficult. And we’re constantly questioning ourselves and we’re constantly being told that what we feel is wrong and how we look is wrong. And we tell it to little girls and it sticks with us. Take a man and a woman shopping. Nothing will fit because fashion is the enemy, for sure. But nothing will fit the woman for negative reasons and nothing will fit the guy for positive reasons. Take a woman shopping, “Nothing fits, my arms are fat, my thighs are big, I’m fucking gross, I hate my body.” Take a guy shopping, an average man of average build, five-ten, 170, “Nah, I can’t buy off the rack because my shoulders are so abnormally broad. I’m tall. For my height, my waist tapers at such an Adonis-like angle.” My dick is so girthy, I can only wear JNCOs.” “It’s hard for me.” These are good things. Women are told to change. It’s okay if men are the same. That’s why we have stereotypes. That’s why you’ve got the stereotype of your Grandpa, “I sit in my chair, I drink my beer, I’ve got the remote, I fought in Korea, don’t fucking talk to me,” right? “I’m not moving, you move!” Women aren’t like that, right? What do women do? “I’m taking a class.” Love classes. “I’m learning more about Cheryl.” “I’m meeting Cindy for the first time.” There’s two women in this monologue. I’m two different women, it’s fine. “I’m learning to breathe. I’m getting a sense of myself. I’m canning. I’m canning my own beets.” For no reason. I live in the middle of a city. I just thought I wanted to connect. I’m canning my own shit now. I take it, put it in there, I let it solidify, I make jewelry, I sell it on Etsy. It’s nice pocket money.” “I’m learning about myself. I’m learning to breathe. I’m cutting my own hair.” “I’m learning to make my own tea, putting the hair in the tea, I drink my hair.” Changing. We always wanna change a little bit, right? Always wanna lose a little bit of weight. No matter what your body looks like. “I just wanna lose, like, five pounds.” We think that’s the answer. “Just wanna lose, like, five pounds.” “Just wanna lose, like, five pounds before lunch.” “So I can have more lunch.” Because we think being skinny is the answer, right? It’s not even enough to be skinny, is it? It’s not even enough to be thin, is it? You have to be the thinnest out of your friends, who you hate. You don’t believe me? Look at any Instagram picture of more than four women. It’s a fucking pose-off. Dudes don’t care. They’ll turn around like gorillas mid-meal. “Take the picture, I don’t care. Fucking…” Girls, it’s like a Mr. Universe, like, “Fucking line up! Line up! Make it pointy! Concave! Make it fucking pointy! Kisses. Neck vein. Look at the motherfucking neck vein. Hamstring. Happy birthday, Stacey.” It’s not enough to just be thin, right? You wanna be the kind of thin where your friends… are worried for you. So thin. Horrible looking. Stalking around Gap Kids. “I wear a youth large, thank you.” Right? Fucking femur for days. Right? Mr. Peanut Legs coming out six seconds ahead of you. Like an R. Crumb comic book thinner, right? Just walking around, baby stegosaurus spine. Clothes hanging like moss off a willow tree. A fucking clavicle you can serve soup out of. Yeah! So happy! I like my body, but I always… Everybody wants to change something, right? I just wanted have shoulders that were so frail and tiny, little bird shoulders. Do they even have shoulders? No, it’s just… That’s what I want, I want no shoulders. I want the kind of shoulders where my bra strap just falls down. Just floppy hair. “Ohh. Whoops.” Men love it. They love it. They go crazy. One strap… Because it’s one less thing they gotta do, right? It’s not my fault I think that’s attractive. You see it on lingerie ads in magazines. The women are on the bed, bra strap. Men love vulnerability and that’s what that represents. “Not me, I like a strong woman.” Bullshit. Vulnerability. “Help me. Open this jar. Please help me.” They love it. What does the bra strap down represent? You’re not supported. When your tits are flopping around, you can’t run away. Yeah! I want that. I want that bone structure, right? I wanna have those shoulders. I wanna look like the girl on the cover of the playbill for Les Mis. Just… “Oh, monsieur!” It’s a ten-year-old French girl. Still, I want those bones. They do, men love vulnerability, right? That’s why the thin thing is the thing. That’s why women are expected to be… You can’t have a baby if you’re this big. That’s why we have to be… garden party. Like that kind of thin. Because if women are thin, there’s no nutrition, so you’re cold, you don’t leave the house, you don’t vote. Yeah! That’s why every model has that vulnerable look. That’s why models look like you uncovered a refugee from under a manhole cover. “Ohhh! Gucci.” They love vulnerability. And we do things to make ourselves vulnerable. Strong women are told to tone it down, right? But men are told to toughen up. We don’t let men be vulnerable. That’s not fair. But I can’t help you because I’m a girl and I can only fight one fight at a time. If you wanna come to my green room and cry after, I will… laugh at you. But, no… But we tell strong women to bring it down, right? High heels? Why do you wear high heels? So you what? Can’t run from your attacker. Good. Smoky eye makeup? Why does that make sense? What are you doing? You take the makeup, grind it into your eye. Why is that attractive? I figured it out. Smoky eye makeup makes you look like you what? Just choked on a dick and cried. Good. I am not wrong. It’s a little off-brand for me. I am not wrong. It’s not enough to be thin ever! You gotta be gaunt to the point of extinction. The kind of thin where it’s like, “What up, bitches? Find me.” That kind of thin. Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe it’s a cultural thing. I can only truly speak from the perspective of what I am. I’m an upper-middle-class white woman. Hope I die that way. And the expectation of being thin has been put on us for about 100 years. That’s been the look. The like… “Uhh, come, have some tea. Yes, these jeans are high. That’s not weird.” We like that look. And that’s a hard look to achieve. Some women die trying to be thin. And it was only in the last… forty years that women of color and women of other ethnicities rose to prominence and made it socially acceptable, nay attractive, to have the body of a grown woman. Jennifer Lopez came out of nowhere with the backside of a brontosaurus, like… “Que paso?” And it became attractive. And somewhere, with everybody having an agenda in our social conversation, it became okay to tell white girls to their faces, “You’re fat. Kill yourself.” Bullying us on Facebook. Because you’re white, so life must be easy. Which, I’m not gonna lie, it’s great. Being white is great. But… It became okay to say that because we are not spicy, right? White women don’t have a fire in them. There’s not a chili pepper here. Inside here is a scoop of Breyer’s vanilla bean ice cream. And we’ll take it. Your boyfriend tells you you’re fat, we’ll be like, “I’m sorry, Chad, please don’t get out of the kayak.” “We’re gonna have an afternoon. I brought Jenga.” You know who has an unshakeable sense of self-esteem? Black women. You… Yes! You cannot tell a sister on her something isn’t working. She won’t believe it. Try it. Say to a black girl, “I don’t like those jeans.” First of all, I dare you. It will not rattle her for a second. Be like, “I don’t like those jeans.” She’ll be like, “Bullshit. I see you looking.” Girls, if you want respect, you’re gonna have to take it. It’s 2016. Let’s learn math, let’s learn science, let’s drop the body issues, okay? Don’t let anybody make you feel less than. Your bodies are perfect as they are. And if you want respect, you have to command respect, not demand it. Two totally different things. Commanding respect is in the actions, it’s the way that we speak about each other, it’s the way that you speak about yourself. If your whole agenda is to be sexual, and confusing being sexual with empowerment, and talking about fucking and sex all the time, thinking that that’s the reason that women are empowered, you’re fucking wrong. It comes with the way you treat yourself. Don’t call each other whores. Don’t call each other sluts. Because when you do that, society looks at you and they say, “Oh, it’s okay to talk to women that way.” You teach people how to treat you. Let’s get rid of the phrase “walk of shame.” What is that one? What is walk of shame? I don’t understand that. I’ve never had a walk of shame. What could that be? Walk of shame. What’s there to be shameful about? What’s the shame in the fact that he and I went out, we had the same amount of vodka, he got too drunk to get it up, so he passed out, then I used his credit card to buy $100 worth of Chinese and stole his golf clubs? Walk of shame! We’re starting from behind here, girls, we’ve gotta say smarter things. From now on… Let’s make a pact. From now on, I don’t wanna hear any more women talk about how they wanna be… mermaids. Okay? Okay? It’s stupid. And I’m not trying to be a bitch, but it’s probably not gonna happen for you. Okay? Literally, you don’t have the bone structure. What worries me, I see it a lot and it’s not from children, it’s grown women, like, “I don’t wanna be adult any more. I wanna be a mermaid.” You… The amount of escapism that’s in that sentence! You wanna move to the woods, you wanna make jam, fine. At least you’re still paying taxes. You wanna be a mermaid? That means all of your achievements in life are gonna lead to you being a fictional fuck toy for a horny sailor. That’s what you want? That’s what mermaids are! Read a book! Because I see it a lot. T-shirts, right? “I am a mermaid.” “Yo soy mermaid.” “Je suis mermaid.” Let’s discuss the logistics… of being a mermaid, so that you have the information. If and when the job opportunity presents itself on LinkedIn… you can make an informed decision, okay? If you are a mermaid, you don’t sleep. Girls are like, “Oh, my God, I love sleeping.” “None for you. Just swim.” It’s chugging Mountain Dew Code Red. There are no beds, but there is Mountain Dew Code Red. You’re some white-trash jacked-up mermaid just swimming, swimming. And by the way, you don’t have fins. Remember, you’re half-human. So you’ve got arms. You’ve got these thick-ass traps, just swimming. You can’t stop swimming, because if you do, something will try to eat you, fuck you or kill you, okay? It’s not dissimilar to being a woman in a downtown area. So just swimming, swimming. Now, you’re swimming all day, you’re probably pretty hungry, right? How are you gonna catch food? Remember, you’re half-human. We don’t have animal-catching accoutrements, like claws and tentacles and lasers. We don’t have those kind of things. We have big brains. So I don’t know what you’re gonna do. Maybe talk a crab to death. Like, “Excuse me. Excuse me.” I was thinking of double majoring in psychology and communications. Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you a cancer?” So now… you’re hungry, you’re tired, you’re like, “I don’t care because I’m gonna lay on the beach like a mermaid.” No, you won’t. Sailors are gonna try to fuck you and the Japanese will definitely try to eat you just for funsies, okay? You’re swimming around like, “I don’t care because I’ll have long, flowing hair.” No, you won’t. You ever go in the ocean? You guys aren’t on an ocean, you’re on a lake. You’re a lake mermaid? What are you, half trout? Kill yourself. Ohh! Freshwater mermaid? What if you got, like, the weird end of the genetic pool and you were half turtle? No tail but just half… “Long flowing mermaid hair.” You’re not gonna have that. You ever go in the water when there’s waves? You won’t have long flowing hair. You’re going to have one giant mer-dread. And it’s just gonna follow you. It’s just one big old mer-lock and it’s getting caught on propellers, it’s getting caught on anchors. There’s sea lice living in your mer-dread because that’s a warm, hospitable environment. Then there’s fish feeding off those sea lice. There’s an entire sustainable maritime ecosystem attached to your fucking head. You drag it around. Sea lice are nipping at your scalp. You gotta get rid of it, right? You’re like, “I’ll just cut it off.” Ain’t no scissors in the ocean, all right? I don’t care what the Little Mermaid told us because she was a liar and a hoarder. Hoarder! We let it go because she was pretty, but she was super-gross. # Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? # That’s a used toothbrush. Don’t put it in your… Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! You’re gonna get sick! Still gotta get rid of that mer-dread because it’s a hazard, so what do you do? You have to get another fish to help you. You have to do what they do in the animal kingdom. You must what? You must what? Who here took marine biology? You have to what? Form a symbiotic relationship with other marine life. Good. And have that fish… come in with his fish tooth and just saw off your mer-dread, right? It’s gonna be bad-looking. But now, remember, you gotta pay that fish back. That’s the nature of a symbiotic relationship, you must reciprocate. How you gonna pay that fish back? You ain’t got no money, shell-tits. I hate to say it, but the only thing you have… is fish sex and I don’t know if you have a vagina because I’m not an ichthyologist and I don’t know how fish work. I should’ve looked it up before the taping but I’m just trying to tell you some jokes and I think I’ve done a pretty good job. You know what fish do? They poop. You’ve got a fish butt. So think about that. So. So now you’re swimming around, you’re hungry, you’re tired, you’ve got a fucked-up haircut, you’re like a little sore, you’re like… “I don’t care. I’m gonna be a mermaid. I’m gonna swim. Because I will swim like a mermaid.” Let’s remember how mermaids allegedly, because they are not real, swim. They swim… like dolphins. Hey, ladies, do you love ab day at the gym? Well, that’s your fucking life, sister! “37. 38.” Just trying to get through. Your entire existence is that of an R. Kelly backup dancer. Just swimming through the nineties. So, you can be a mermaid or you can always get a job in front of a used car dealership. No mermaids. We can do better. No mermaids. I worry for women. I worry for men. I worry for our country. Is anybody else really worried for our country? So I’m worried… And by the way, I am very proud to be an American and I love my country very much and I want the best for it. There’s no joke, it’s just a statement. I love being an American. What I’m scared for… What I’m scared about aren’t so much the nightmares clawing at our front and back doors, both politically, foreign, domestic, economical, ecological, whatever. What I’m scared about is the fact that, like, my generation is supposed to be grown-up and mature now. I represent the millennials. Perhaps you’ve seen our Instagram pages. Yeah, we cheer for ourselves. We’re the worst. I will say this as the Lorax of my generation, mustache, we… didn’t ask to be spoiled. Our parents loved us and they gave us everything. That’s the job of the generation prior, to give the next generation a better world than they had. So I’m gonna apologize to my grandkids for the radioactive ball of foil and Diet Coke that they’re gonna inherit from us. But that’s what the people before you do. And I believe that this wave of entitlement started with our grandparents. Our grandparents were called the greatest generation, and I believe that they were. They selflessly gave and they made this country the idea of America that a lot of us miss. White people. The rest of us, it was horrible for most of them. But in general… The main points of it, okay? Your grandparents had to fight. They had no choice. Grandpa had to fight in World War II. Grandpa was straight-up drizafted, okay? He had no choice. And when he came home from the war, all he wanted to do was have a family, have a job, be a little racist and live the American dream, that’s it. He fought, he got right to work. It’s not like guys today who’d be like, “Oh, I just wanna backpack around Oregon and find myself.” No! And they’re allowed to say that because, whether you like them or not, our military does such a good job of defending us on a day-to-day basis. And I know that TSA blows. But they do such a good job that you’re allowed to mentally check out. Like, if you don’t like the war going on right now, unlike it on Facebook. You’re allowed to do that. There was no concerted effort. You didn’t have to fight. My point is, there was no day we all gathered in our town squares and threw our iPhones into the center so the military could use the scrap metal. “What’s this? A droid? Take it back, freak.” We didn’t have that. I think it’s difficult to conceive of a world where you have to sacrifice so much and to understand what our grandparents did because now they’re old, and when you think old, what do you think? Cute, right? Your grandparents are cute because they’re tiny, shrinking. Pick them up, put them down, they don’t like it, sprinkle water, “Get it off me.” And the whiter you are, the greater a chance there is that you’ve developed some weird prerogative kitten-like nickname for your grandfather. Oh, it’s not Grandpa anymore, it’s like, “This is my Nim-Nam.” “This is my Yippers.” “This is my Pip-Pop.” Pip-Pop doesn’t give a fuck. He’s like, “I was a prisoner of war for six years, call my Pip-Pop, I’ve had worse.” “Oh, my God, you guys, my Pip-Pop is so cute. Oh, my God, Pip-Pop, he’s so cute, you guys. Sometimes at Christmas, when Pip-Pop falls asleep, we like to decorate him with Christmas bows. Isn’t that funny? Silly Pip-Pop.” Pip-Pop’s got 53 confirmed kills! Don’t think for a second Pip-Pop doesn’t remember how to repurpose that Christmas bow around your neck to get the intel that he needs out of you. “Sit the fuck down, Colton, Caleb, Ashton, Crashton, Crandon, whatever your fucking hipster name is, sit down!” Pip-Pop came home from the war and then they had our parents. Our parents are called the baby boomers because Pip-Pop came home from Normandy and he was like, “I’m not dead. Boom, Gladys, let’s fuck.” And then… The baby boomers, ask your parents, were the first generation that were allowed to be artists on a mass scale. You didn’t have to work on your family business, you could take drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, you could do and be what you wanted to be in the big city. The baby boomers had generation X. I don’t care about them because I’m a millennial. We showed up, got a trophy for breathing and then we invented Instagram. What’s insane about Instagram is this. We use hashtags, right? Hashtag, formerly known as the pound sign. She got a makeover. What’s weird about a hashtag… is this. The more hashtags there are under a posted picture on Instagram, the less likely the last hashtag is gonna have anything to do… with that posted picture. You got more than four hashtags under your picture, you are witnessing a human thought process devolve. By the end, it’s just word association. Free word association. Bunch of people on the beach, Fourth of July, right? “Fuck, yeah! #FourthBitches #Fourth #BeachDay #BDay #lndependenceDay #lndependentWoman #Beyonce” Yes! “#Blessed #IPayMyBills #BikiniBody #BeachBody #BoutThatLife #DontNeedAMan #DontWantAMan #NeverHadAMan #SometimesToFeelAHumanEmotion ILikeToDrinkMyOwnHair… What? What? What? Say something. Talking about? And then, because we’re so hard on women, we’re mean to women when they’re proud of their bodies on Instagram. We only allow women to post pictures when they’re a work in progress, right? “Keep it going.” If you’re ever like, “This is as good as it gets, fucking check it out!” it’s like, “You whore. You showy fucking bitch.” So instead of empowering women and letting them be proud of themselves, women have to shroud their pride in misdirect hashtags. So you’ve got a generation of girls proud of their bodies in a bathroom like this, and rather than be like, “#CheckOutMyBodyImSoHappyWithMyself,” instead she’s like, “#CheckOutTheGroutWorkOnTheseTiles.” Who’s looking at that? I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever dated someone who is… so pretty… but so stupid? Notice, it’s girls cheering. All the guys are like, “Yeah, I brought her here. Keep it moving!” “I don’t wanna get in a fight!” So, men can do that. Women really can’t. And the reasoning isn’t because men are dicks, there’s nothing like that, it has to do with the wiring of our brains. Men are visually stimulated, women, unfortunately, are cerebrally stimulated. Men are visual creatures. They have to be attracted to a woman before they can get to know how amazing she is inside. They have to be… A dude will date a Popsicle stick if it’s got a wig. Like, it doesn’t matter. That’s why it’s tough, because you wanna be a feminist, like, “I don’t have to get ready for a man,” but that’s what they’re attracted to. Just the littlest bit. Everybody’s got that one girlfriend that’s like, “I don’t get it. I volunteer and I rescue animals and I’m very sweet.” It’s like, “Yeah, but you’re so ugly so you have to… Just brush the hair! Just, anything! One tooth.” You don’t have to have it out there. He cannot check out your personality from across the room. That’s all I’m saying. No man has ever done that. No man has ever seen a woman who’s sitting there nibbling on her nubs with, like, a gill… and walked up and been like, “Excuse me, you’re hideous, but you look like you might enjoy Tom Clancy, light nipple play and barbecue. Is that true?” And women do stuff to make themselves physically attractive. Even if you’re not trying that hard, most of the stuff we do is just to get men’s attention. Shiny hair. Why is your hair shiny? It makes you look fertile. Thanks, Pantene. But that’s why. There’s no reason to have it shiny other than to get attention. You’re not, like, deflecting a car light when you’re running. Big eyes. “Look at me! My lips look like a vagina and my boobs look like a butt and my butt looks like boobs. I’m a Mrs. Potato Head. Mate with me!” You may not like it, but I’m not wrong. Women are cerebrally stimulated. That’s why we say the number one thing we look for in a man is a conversation. “Someone I can talk to. Sense of humor.” I have dated gutter goblins who were just, like, really funny and smart. “I just wanna talk to him. It’s sexy. I just want someone I can talk to. At. Just sit there and breathe, Steve.” We need that back and forth. We have to be able to talk. And it’s something that we need, and yet we’re chastised for it. You ever been called a “chatty Cathy”? By an idiot, but still, ever been called that? “A couple of girls just yipping away, huh? She’ll talk your ear off. Bunch of giblets in a henhouse.” No-one says giblets in a hen… That means the chicken’s already dead. Women are always chastised for talking a lot. The reason women talk goes back thousands of years. The reason women talk a lot, have a proclivity for speaking… Mm! Is when men would go out and hunt and fight and get animals, otherwise known as hunting… “Go get an animal.” Women stayed behind… And we raised the kids and we made food. And because the world wasn’t really a thing yet, we exchanged survival secrets. We would tell each other things like, “Oh, don’t eat that berry, it’ll make your husband’s dick fall off.” “Don’t wipe with that leaf, I found in my studies that it really hurts your vagina.” You had to exchange this information to keep your tribe alive. Now, that’s devolved to, “What color lip gloss?” but it’s the exchange of information. Girls gather and then share. So guys, when we’re talking and it bothers you, just know we’re trying to make it so your dick doesn’t fall off! That’s what we’re doing. Trying to help you! Trying to help you live! Nothing wrong with it. I’ll say it. I’m a feminist. You know what? I’ll say it for the women that don’t know to say it. And you might not be comfortable with it. Because a lot of women are like, “I love being a woman, but I’m not a feminist.” What are you, a horse? Like, what are the other options? Let me clarify it… for the men and the women who might not have a clear idea. Being a feminist means you just wanna be treated fairly, you just want it even, no more, no less. Maybe like a little bit more. You just wanna get the same. And a lot of women don’t like to say they’re feminists because they don’t think it sounds attractive, right? Which is inherently an issue in and of itself. Because men think feminist, they have a bad idea of it. Guys think of some square-jawed broad with three chin hairs and a power suit, like, “I’m gonna kick you in the dick and take your job!” That’s not what we want. We just want it even. If we’re gonna be feminists, let’s start with something fun. Wage gap, gotta close that. But let’s start with something everybody wants to deal with. Yeah, for sure. Duh! Let’s start with porn. Because even if you’re a woman and you love being a porn star, it’s still you taking it for, like, three hours, you’re getting paid 30 percent less and he’s actually getting off, so let’s make some feminist porn. Let’s see a porn where a girl kicks a door in, like… “Who wants to lick it? Line up! Go!” Go! Next! Go! Beat your best time. Go!” That’s so gross. So off-brand. So gross. Now, all the girls are cheering, because in theory, that’s empowering. But in practice, horrific. That would be horrible. No woman could withstand that. Halfway through the second guy, we’d all be like, “Okay, okay, okay, okay!” “It’s sensitive! I need a minute!” “I just need a minute! I just need a minute. Don’t hug me. I’m not mad, I just need a minute.” “Why don’t you go order us a pizza? I’ll fire up my Pinterest page.” Let me ask you a question. This is for the girls in the audience. This is a very real question, very real statement. Have you ever been… Have you ever been having sex with your boyfriend and you’re not into it, like, obviously, and then all of a sudden, you start to get really excited? Not so much from physical stimulation, but because mentally you’re like… “This is almost done.” And when it is done… we shall go to the farmers market!” You plan out the whole day. Guys, you have to make sure her head is in the game, no pun intended, but, like, pun intended for sure. I don’t think we check in with each other enough as opposite sexes. Men think because she’s making noises they hear in movies, she’s enjoying it. Women are like, “I’m making noises, let’s fucking get it over with.” If you care about the girl, you gotta make sure she’s getting what she wants. And girls, the best thing you can do, if you have great sex, the best thing you can do the second sex is over is… not talk to him. Sounds horrible. It’s actually to your benefit. That’s not your boyfriend lying next to you. That is a husk of a man… depleted of all bodily fluids… incapable of giving you the answer you deserve. And I get it. You just had sex, you’re feeling great, oxytocin is flowing, you just hosted a human being inside of you… You love him and you wanna talk about the future. He can’t do it. You look at him and say, “What are you thinking about?” He’s laying there, dust. “Ohh.” Get him a Gatorade, give him five. He can’t answer you. You’ll be like, “What are you thinking about?” He’ll never, ever be like, “You in a wedding dress.” But guys, if you love your girl, check in with her. Because you’re far away. She’s up there. You’re here like, “I’m amazing. I’ll bet she fucking loves this.” And we’re down there like, “I wonder if lavender is in season.” Still back there. “Siri, is lavender…” “Calling Mom Cell.” “No, Siri!” “No!” Snap. The moral of that story is I was in a relationship and I wasn’t happy, so I left the relationship. I’m not advocating for leaving the person you’re with. What I am advocating for is this. If you’re not happy, there’s no reason to stay out of fear of being alone. We like to scare women. And I’m sure there are men that feel this way. But we like to scare women when they’re single and we like to be mean to them and we label them. We say mean things to them. She’s a spinster. Old maid. Really involved with animal rescue. We have names like that. And we like to question them, as if there’s something wrong. “Why are you single?” “Because the last one was a dick and I’m not stupid.” Like, that’s why you do it. Nobody wakes up married. Nobody is born betrothed to someone. We have to be kinder to women and stop doing it. And we have the audacity to have magazines, self-help books, articles, posing the question, “You’re single. Now what? You’re single. Now what?” What do you mean, “Now what?” Now I shave off an eyebrow and take up with wolves. What do you mean, “Now what?” What do you mean, “Now what?” I got a mortgage. How about fuck bitches, get money? It’s so stupid. What upsets me is that women spend so much time and energy flogging themselves mentally for being single, and changing and trying different methods and looking for guys. And men don’t have to do that. They have the luxury of relaxing because they don’t have eggs. There are no articles in GQ like, “You’re single. Now what?” There’s none of that. The answer would always be, “Now I can jerk off where I want. No-one bugs me. #Sandwich.” The good part about traveling for the last year, I’ve had time for myself. More time from my research. I don’t do research. I just watch TV. But I wear a lab coat while I do it for the tax write-off. Before we get out of here, before we conclude this TED Talk… Does everybody here watch Shark Tank? So… All I want, all I want, is a live episode of Shark Tank. That’s what I want. A live episode. It’s a reality show. But if you watch it, you’ll notice it’s heavily edited, heavily produced, and what bothers me… is the presentations from the entrepreneurs are too polished. There’s no grit to them. They come out like a fifth-grade Thanksgiving pageant. “The natives called it maize. We bottled it.” I don’t wanna see that, okay? I want to see you mess up. I wanna see you trip. Maybe you forget your words. Maybe you chip a tooth. I wanna see you crumble as an entity before my eyes. Only then will I tolerate you rising from the ashes with any degree of hubris. That’s the way to consume American reality TV. The sheer schadenfreude of watching someone shit themselves on TV and then building them back up. That’s what we like to see. Okay? These are cattle farmers from the middle of Iowa and they get in front of a camera and suddenly they’re Winston Churchill? I don’t buy it, okay? I speak for a living and even I mess up, so there’s no way these two fucking dye jobs from ASU with, like, a new take on cookies, there’s no way! Flawlessly orating. There are three archetypes of women that they like to have on Shark Tank. They love to have moms, because most of us have moms. But what’s crazy and, like, creepy is that all the moms on Shark Tank have the exact same voice. It’s a little Stepfordian. They all sound like this. “Hi, Sharks. My name’s Nancy from Laguna Niguel and I’ve discovered a new way to get your toddler to eat their blueberries.” Then they have really smart women. They do. They’ll have brilliant women. But it seems that the smarter the woman, the longer the last name. Like, they’ll hyphenate their last names. I can’t stand hyphenated last names. If you’re in this room and you’ve got a hyphenated last name, chop it in half! Okay? You’re not Spanish royalty. Chop it! I barely care about your first name. Let alone the entire questionable heritage. When you have a hyphenated last name, all that makes me think is that mama was a big old strong lesbian and she didn’t wanna give up her family inheritance so she begrudgingly married your father, now they have separate twin beds and are co-women’s studies professors at Wellesley. It’s also just so much information. I’m trying to hear you, your valuation, listen to the equity, and you’re coming up there with a phonebook, like, “Hi, Sharks. My name’s Michelle-Lida-Julia Freeman-Cereal.” “And I’m Rebecca-Lynn-Stacey Fitzgerald-Yang. And together, we sound like five dudes.” Like, it’s a lot… of information. Are you inventors or a law firm? Like, what is that? And then in the final category, the toy category, we have the hot women. Not attractive. Not cute. Fucking hot. Teeth, tan, tits, hair. “Sharks!” Sometimes they do this. They’ll have very smart woman on the show. Sometimes it feels like the hotter the woman, the dumber the product. And I believe it’s done to keep us in line. But… a lot of the time, the women’s products have to do with two categories. It’s either wrangling your femininity. “Sharks, it’s a flap you put over your vagina so no one knows you have one.” “Move through the workplace with ease.” Or it’s a product so stupid, it will just confirm any preconceived notions you might have about female intelligence. Like, “Sharks, it’s a shower cap that you can wear while you’re cooking so your hair doesn’t smell!” No! You just set us back, like, a week with that shit, Lexi. But that’s the one that I’d like to see live. The hot one. Because I believe watching an attractive woman mentally unravel… on national television is the reason we all watch reality TV. “Up next are two sisters from Scottsdale, Arizona, with a new take on popcorn.” Jiggle, jiggle. “Hi, Sharks! My name’s Madison.” Duh. They’re always named Madison, right? “And this is my sister, Michaela.” They’re always named Michaela. Fucking obviously. “And together, we are the inventors, creators and CEOs of… Put your back against mine.” “CEOs of… Put your fucking back against mine. What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? We do this then we do the product, yes? Oh, my fucking goodness! We haven’t done the product yet. We can’t. We can’t start over. That’s what that light is. That’s fucking live, bitch. Yes!” “We can’t… Can we start over?” “No.” “I got nothing.” “Oh, my God, I’m not yelling at you! I’m not yelling at you. I’m not making it about me! Do not do this here! It’s fucking live TV! I’m not making it about me! You’re making it about me making it about you making it about me! I am trying to make this… Oh, my God. Okay. Just stay there. I will do it. I will do it. Just stay there. It’s fine. Stay there. I will handle it. Stay there, you fucking casualty. Okay, the other day, my sister and I were at home eating popcorn and crying, and we got down to the bottom of the bag. And, shake, shake, shake, what was left at the bottom? All the unpopped kernels. That’s when my sister and I decided that we should… Put your fucking back…” “Against mine. Put your fucking back against mine! What the fuck are you doing? I am trying… No! No! You’re not gonna fucking do this to me again! I am trying to keep this family together! Do you not understand that? No, this is not about me! I am trying to help! This is nothing like when Daddy died! You are being a bitch! I am trying to keep this family… She does this! She does this every time! Everybody’s gonna know that you’re a fucking… I wasn’t flirting with your husband! You are so fucking insecure! Because I slept with your boyfriend in high school and he turned out to be gay! No, it wasn’t your fault! Big fucking deal! He wanted to talk about your birthday so that fucking Michaela could turn 40 for the third time! You’re a fucking bitch! I need a minute! I need a fucking minute! I need… I need a Madison minute! Hold on! I’m fucking good. I’m fucking good! Let’s fucking do it! You wanna go? Shit. I don’t care. I am trying… I am not… I can’t. I can’t. Why are the walls bleeding? I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this. I can’t do it. You being a… I shit. I shit my pants. Oh, good news. It’s not shit. It’s blood! It’s blood, you fucking monster! I am trying… I can’t… No. You know what? I am keeping it together. I am the stable one! I am keeping it… I am not… I am not yelling! I am not yelling. I am not yelling. Huh? What? Yes, it’s a hive. This happens. It happens every time you open your fucking whore mouth! Yes, I know! And I’m trying… I’m a good feminist. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I’m sorry! My tan is dripping off. I am not…” “I am not… I am not… I am not yelling. I am not yelling! I am using…” “I am using the vocabulary that Dr. Goldstein told us to use.” “I am requesting…” “that you… hear… my…” “desire… to communicate… in an open way… and put your fucking back against mine! She’s ruining it! She’s ruining everything!” “She’s ruining it. This is a big deal. We put everything… We put everything into this company!” “Did you really?” “No, but my mom did.” “I am trying to keep it together. Everybody depends on me because we spent all of our money on our first company and it shat the bed.” “What was your first company?” “I’m gonna tell them.” “I’m gonna tell them and you’re gonna look like the fucking psycho bitch that you are. Everyone’s gonna know. I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell the cameras. Is this camera still on? Good.” “Fuck you.” “Do you remember when… Um… Fuck, it’s, like, stuck right here in my nose.” “Uhh! Do you remember when, um, our country went through a recession, and everybody was losing their homes and their money? My sister and I decided that rather than save up or go back to school, we would do what every other girl without a marketable skill did, we… opened up a cupcake company.” “I don’t know if you noticed, but during the recession, there was a fucking boom in the confection industry! That’s because it doesn’t take a fucking rocket science degree to shit out, like, an okay cupcake. And, like, no one’s gonna say no to a cupcake. People will spend their last dollar. They’re not gonna be like, “No,” they’ll be like, “A cupcake. My day’s okay for a minute.” And we were feeding people these cupcakes and they were upside-down on their houses and they were jobless and we were feeding these depressed people cupcakes. And it’s a scientific fact that obesity and depression have a direct correlation, and we were just feeding the belly of the beast from within the belly of the beast and capitalizing off of it. People needed answers. They needed a viable option for credit, not a buttercream… Put your fucking back against mine! I swear to Christ, Michaela, if you ruin this for me, I will fuck your husband! Screw it! Cut! I should’ve been a mermaid!” Pack your hip! | Chicago! Thank you! Thank you for having me. I’d like to discuss something with you. There are two kinds of hungover. There’s the kind of hungover where you wake up the next morning and you’re like, “What? I touched his penis over his jeans? It’s okay, I’m sassy.” And then… there’s the kind of hungover where whatever happened the night before wasn’t even your fault. Because you weren’t mentally present for any of it. For ’twas not you that was is charge. ‘Twas your party goblin! Yeah. Just so you know, your party goblin sleeps in the back of your brain. For those of you that are unfamiliar with my work, she sleeps in the back of your brain – and she waits… – on a pile of rags… and regrets… and old Tiger Beat magazines. She waits! For the perfect opportunity. She’s back there in your brain, sleeping her goblin sleep, just… Channing Tatum, stick of butter. And she will awaken… when she hears you say… “I guess I’ll just come out for one drink.” “I’ll just come out for one because I have to be up early.” Eat that sandwich out of the garbage and text your ex-boyfriend that you love him then turn your phone off! And by the way, there is zero culpability on the part of your party goblin. She’s not there the next morning like, “Oh, my God, are you okay? Do you need Pedialyte?” No! She doesn’t give a fuck. She straight up ghosts at, like, 3:00 a.m. when you’re shit-faced in the back of an Uber, right? You scooped yourself into the back of this car. Your crowing achievement of the evening is that you didn’t die. And we’ve all had that moment. Anybody that’s been out drinking, you’ve been out, it’s been loud, there’s been yelling, dancing, you stole an ambulance, it’s been a crazy night. We’ve all had that moment of solitary drunken serenity where you get in the back of the car and you shut the door and for the first time all night it’s quiet. And you think, “Oh, my God, I made it.” Followed by, “I’m gonna throw up.” And the car is going, you’re like, “Oh, fuck!” You’re trying to hold it in, right? You roll the window down. You’re like, “Agh! It’s too much air!” You roll the window back up. You’re like, “Too much me!” You crack the window. You’re like, “No!” The vomit’s coming up. It’s right here, like A1 Steak Sauce, it gets you here. You’re like, “Uhh!” You’re trying to focus on anything to distract you. You’re listening to the radio. For the first time ever, you’re paying attention to the words of a Pitbull song. You’re like… # Uno, dos, tres… # We get it! We get it! You look at party goblin, she’s loving it. She’s got her head out her window like… And you know it’s your party goblin that got you by the manner in which you wake up the next morning. If you wake up. If you wake up, Chicago. You wake up… When party goblin gets you, you wake up on your couch. Beds are for closers. You wake up on your couch, okay? You ever pass out on a pillow so hard, you get a cushion scar down the side of your face? And you wake up, no idea where you are, no idea where you were. You check your wrist, it’s just a dirty patchwork of entry stamps. Putting the pieces together from the night before is like the plot from Memento. No idea. You check your Instagram feed, it’s a blurry feed of pictures you took of your own face from this angle. It’s just me and three girls in a bathroom in East LA like, “Squad goals.” Who the fuck are they? I don’t know, but I think I’m in the gang now, right? No idea what you did the night before. We… I… You know when party goblin gets you by the amount that you sleep. I slept for 15 hours the other day. I slept so long, my muscles atrophied. Okay? I turned to fucking stone. You ever pass out with your full body weight on your hands, like… No blood in, no blood out. Your hands are just purple, bloated flippers. I slept so long, I almost died. Like, there was a point at around 4:00 p.m. where my soul was like, “Should I just go?” There’s different kinds of drunk. Some people think they get smarter when they’re drunk, some people wanna talk. The Latin phrase is in vino veritas, which means, “in wine, there’s truth,” which is why when girls get drunk, we’re always like, “Can I just tell you a secret?” “I don’t have a neck.” I don’t really make a lot of drunk mistakes but I worry when I make dumb decisions when I’m drunk for this simple fact. In my group of friends, I’m the alpha. I decide what we do. Obviously. I pick the restaurants, I pick the bars, mostly because no one cares, but I am the decision-maker. And what worries me is, if I’m doing stupid shit when I’m drunk, what hope do the sheep who I lead have… if that’s my example? So this is the story of one such night. So, we were out the other night and we were shit-canned. Like, the kind of drunk where you can’t even read. And then you realize it’s because… you’re in China Town. Actually, you know you’re fucked up when you’re in China Town and you can read. Ohhh! Ancient secrets, not so hidden. So… We’re drunk and we’re walking through China Town and we walk into a bar. I’m reticent to say that it’s a club because I’m 33, but there was a dance floor, a DJ and I had on a little body glitter, okay! You’re probably wondering, “Why are you wearing body glitter?” I will tell you, Chicago. Because my date was late to pick me up. Gentlemen! You need to know this about women. When we get ready, we have a list of things we do to reach our most attractive point. There is an apex, nay, a pinnacle of beauty… that women reach when they’re getting ready. And every minute you’re late to get us is one more minute we spend doubting ourselves, dicking with our makeup, and we get incrementally uglier… as time goes on. One time, my date was an hour late, I grew a tail. This guy was only 30 minutes late, thank God. He walks in, I’m on the ground, there’s caboodle shrapnel everywhere. I’ve got a Wet N Wild lip gloss wand, I’m like, “I’m a pretty girl!” “Save yourself.” But what happens is, we have time, so we start to add things, doubt ourselves. That’s where I found that glitter. “He’s not here. What’s this?” In hindsight, it wasn’t body glitter, it was straight-up craft glitter. But I was like, “I’m gonna put it on my face, make it dainty.” Do you ever feel that? Do you ever feel that you can make something work? Do you ever feel that because you’re not trashy, you can pull off doing something that’s trashy? You’re like, “I can wear fishnet stockings, I went to Stanford.” Like it’s okay for some reason. That’s how I felt about that body glitter. I was like, “I’ll just do a little bit. I’ll do a classy amount. I’m just gonna do a little bit.” Fun fact, you know what body glitter up close looks like? Conjunctivitis. Like, real up close. “I’ll do a little.” Five minutes later, “Maybe just highlight the orbital rim. That way when we’re dancing, the light will hit it and it’ll be like, ‘Bing, anime! Ah!’ Keep going. Keep going.” Five more minutes later, “Maybe I’ll bring a little bit down here and highlight the jawbone so he knows I, what, come from good chewing stock?” Five more minutes later, sparkle fish! So now… I look like a goddamn road flare and we’re in public. So… We walk into this bar and one of the difficult parts about being a woman, besides everything, is that… It’s really hard. Is that you’re constantly battling with yourself. In the long run, we’re battling our weight, hair color, wrinkles. Minute to minute, it’s just an adjustment of your hair and your bra and your underwear and your makeup and your mustache, braid it, bead it, set it. You’re always doing something. Because if one thing is off, then the night is ruined, Scott, okay? One time, I left my house without mascara on. I did a U-turn on a four-lane highway. Like, “No!” “They will see the whites of my eyes!” Everything has to be perfect. And guys, it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting being a girl. Did you know, fun scientific fact that I made up on the way here, that women get four minutes out of every night, four minutes out of every night where our brain sends a message to our body saying, “Everything’s okay, stop messing with it”? Four minutes out of every night where your brain sends a message to your body like, “Homeostasis achieved.” You’re like… And the rest of the time, it’s just mayhem! Everything has to be perfect. So, we walk into this bar, my first thought… “I gotta fix my lip liner. Now!” I’m not even a big lip liner wearer, but in that moment, ’twas everything. In that moment, I believed fixing my lip liner is what stood between me and eternal happiness, okay? I had to take a liner, I had to find my liner and line my chola lips, okay? That’s what I had to do. So glad that got a response. In North Carolina, nothing. Okay. Had to fix my lip liner, had to be right then. To the gentlemen in the room, I don’t expect you to understand the urgency with which I had to fix my lip liner. The only thing I could liken it to in male culture is, like… when you feel you have to adjust your balls. Similar immediacy. As we’ve seen, unfortunately. When you feel that’s gotta happen, it’s gotta happen now! Go! Go! Go! In front of children, Christmas Eve, family portrait, messing with my dick. # Messing with my dick in public # Wahoo! # It’s a dick puzzle and I’m solving it now # # Maximum comfort at any cost # # This is my right, Nancy, get off my back # So… So many guys right now have to adjust. They’re like, “I’m not gonna do it!” I believe that’s what Elvis was doing. Makes sense. Needed my liner. Now you understand that I needed it, guys, okay? Needed the fucking liner. That means I had to find the liner in my bag. However, I had a big bag. There’s a very specific way that women will search for something when we have a big bag. What do you do? You take a designated search claw… and you plunge it. Never breaking eye contact with your prey, I mean your date. Notice I haven’t blinked, Chicago. Dedication acting. The constant eye contact being a reminder that, yes, I can multitask and keep talking. I’ll make a great partner. Marry me. Meanwhile, to the outside world, it looks like you’re wrestling with a very small bass. If you’re a pro, you keep conversation moving. Still haven’t blinked. If you’re a pro, you keep conversation moving. “I’m listening. Keep talking. Keep talking. I can look and listen. Say FanDuel one more time, motherfucker. I’m listening.” You’re digging around in there. Meanwhile, as a woman, you’re having to come to terms with the seventh layer of hell that is the bottom of your bag. It’s just a graveyard of dismembered pens, there’s coins. Why is there always a Nature’s Valley granola bar crumbled… at the bottom? You stick your hand down, you come up with oats between your fingernails. You’re like, “Ow! Ow!” Digging around. A gym lock, a phone charger, a concealer without its lid. Why? Why can’t we make them with retractable lids that don’t break off? Because you stick your hand down there, unknowingly you come up with one creamy finger. You’re like, “No!” “No!” But it was expensive, so you’re like, “No!” So now you look amazing. Keep looking, keep looking. Bits of paper. A sock. Keep looking. Tampon out of its wrapper. Maybe I keep it. No, I’ll get sick. Digging around. If it’s out of the wrapper, don’t keep it. Sometimes it’s like, “I’ll just…” Don’t blow on it and… You’re gonna get dysentery, you’ll never finish the Oregon Trail. Seven or eight seconds go by, I cannot find my lip liner. Seven or eight seconds go by, which in girl years is, like, forever, I cannot find my lip liner. So, what’s a logical thing to do? Maybe use the other hand to add to the search, right? To aid in the excavation. Maybe get a cellular device to illuminate the situation. Not me! I dropped to my knees on a dance floor, dumped out the bag and start sifting through it like Helen Keller learning how to spell water. Fun fact. Girls, if you wanna let people around you know that you’re absolutely not on the same mental playing field as them, a great way to do it, I found, is to dump our personal property onto a shared communal space, because that immediately lets other bar-goers know, “I don’t give a fuck!” “Where is it?” This body language, this body language, this feral-raccoon-like body language… was enough to alert the door guy. You’re a door guy at a busy nightclub, you’ve got a lot to deal with. However, he found my witch over a cauldron behavior… threatening enough to leave his post, flashlight in hand, and walk up to me. He was a big guy. He was, like, six-eight, black guy, good-looking. I had to say he was good-looking. Because I said he was black. Seems to be the face of thinly-veiled political correctness in our country, if you say someone’s color, other than white, you must assign them an accolade, deserved or otherwise, to prove that you’re not racist, when in the first place, I wasn’t fucking racist, I was giving you an accurate depiction of the events that transpired. I didn’t see his face! Dude had a flashlight in my eye! I can tell you this much. Black, white or other, there’s no way he was hot. He’s six-eight. They get weird-looking after a certain height, okay? Structurally, it gets weird. Okay. I am not wrong. #IAmNotWrong Okay, so… It’s true. There’s no hot giants. So he Shreks up to me… And I feel his presence and I see the ball of light and I hear his voice and he goes, “Everything a’ight over here?” Fucking no, dude, everything is most definitely not a’ight. I’m on the floor. I don’t exist on this plane. Fun fact about being on the floor. As an adult, when you choose to take it to this place, you lose all credibility. Nobody wants to hear the prerogative of someone on the floor. If you have to crane your neck up to explain yourself, you are fucked, okay? You don’t believe me? You ever tried to get the life story of someone sitting on a curb? No. Because they were sitting on a fucking curb and you didn’t wanna talk to them. They were someone who’s drunk, on a lot of meth or like a really pissed off bridesmaid just waiting for the service to be over. But now I’m on the floor and I’m nervous because that’s an authority figure and in my head I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I’m gonna go a bar jail.” “What if they repossess my wedges?” But I was drunk and in my head I’m like, “It’s cool. Be smart. Explain what you’re doing. Whatever you do, Iliza, just sound intelligent.” Instead, what came out of my mouth was, “I gotta find my lip liner, man!” And… what I feel he understood, nay respected, nay… Neigh. Resonated with wasn’t that I had to find my lip liner. What I feel he understood was the sheer amount of white-girl crazy… coming out from behind my eye. Because he then gave me the international verbal sign for, “I respect you and fear you, I’m going to back off,” which is… “A’ight, then.” And he just walked away. I never found my lip liner. It was, like, in my other bag. I didn’t like that experience. I didn’t like being on the floor. And I didn’t like being on the floor for a very specific reason. As a woman, I didn’t need a reminder of how vulnerable women are on a day-to-day basis. Being on the floor, it’s a very vulnerable place. I didn’t need that reminder. And women in our society are vulnerable by virtue of the fact that we are physically not as strong as men. That’s the root of the issue, that’s the root of the oppression. And that’s the root of oppression of any side of war throughout history. One side was stronger, they get to make the rules. Do you think for a second that if women were physically stronger than men we would’ve waited for the right to vote? It’s 1910, some jacked-up housewife is just putting up weight in her garage. She’s got a shaker of horse testosterone and creatine. Her little husband comes in, he’s like, “You’re not voting.” She’d be like… “Out of the way, Jedediah.” “Mama’s going to the polls.” It’s physical strength, that’s the root of the issue. Physical strength. And they try to placate women. They try to tell us we’re other types of strong. Sure. But none that matter as much as physical strength. “Well, you’re a woman, so… mentally strong.” Mentally strong. You put up with him all day, huh?” Pfft! Mentally strong. Mentally strong? What do I do with that? Mentally strong. What do I do when a rapist runs at me? Math? It’s physical strength. Physical strength is what counts when it comes to protecting yourself and women are only naturally physically super-human strong when it comes to two things. The first is a recent one, and that’s CrossFit, which… It’s enough, by the way. It’s a cult. Okay? It’s insane. It goes… Scientology, CrossFit, people without celiac disease that don’t eat gluten. It’s a cult, okay? It’s enough. “I can deadlift 600 pounds.” Cool. What Starbucks do you work at? What are you… Guard a village. Join up. What are you doing with that muscle, all the horse meat? The workouts that they’re doing, it’s all snake oil, I believe, okay? Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, the foundations of a military workout, these are applicable in the rest of your life. Instead, they’ve got a father of six at 7 a.m. flipping a monster truck tire? Why? When do you need that? When do you need to know the form for that? What post-apocalyptic gorilla playground… are you gonna find yourself in? Why don’t we give you an empty suitcase to throw around your cage, Peaches? And the rope thing. There are other ways to build up your pectoral muscles. Men have been doing it for centuries. Instead they’ve got you using a rope. When are you gonna use that? “Timmy’s stuck down by the dock under some boat rope!” “I got it!” And the only time that women are naturally, exceptionally physically strong is when it comes to childbirth. And that’s amazing. Yes. It’d be amazing if those were all men with, like, really high-pitched voices. It’s an amazing amount of super-human strength that unfairly women only get to tap into when they’re having a baby. You only get to tap into that super-human strength once, maybe twice a year, but that second baby’s gonna be very tiny. You only get to use it then. That’s a disproportionate amount of strength. Mother Nature is playing a cruel joke on us. Do you know how many pounds of pressure per square snootch inch it takes to deliver a baby? We’re not even using our hands! You’re like python-like digesting a goat. “Get out of there!” Using fucking grit and rage and, like, a mother’s love, but just, “Aghh!” Sparta! Just fucking going. You can do that with your body, yet the rest of the year, we have trouble not doing push-ups on our knees. That doesn’t seem fair. We’re only exceptionally strong when it comes to children. We have something called mama bear strength. So that means when your child is in danger, your child, someone else’s child, “Sorry, junior.” Your child… “Lift the piano off your legs yourself, okay, I’m not your mama.” When your child is in danger, in that moment, through adrenaline, you can develop super-human strength and save the baby. So if your child is trapped under a car, you can go ahead and flip that Buick like an orangutan, no problem. Yet if you’re a single girl walking alone on a Saturday night and some maniac runs at you, what’s your defense? Like, “No, two plus two is four.” We’re millennials, we’d probably use our phone calculators. That’s why sexual harassment is such a big deal. It really has less to do with the disgusting thing a man feels he has the right to yell at you out of van or a truck. Never out of a Civic for some reason. But for the girls that might not know, you can wear whatever you want. It doesn’t give someone the right to treat you like an animal. You can wear whatever you want. You can leave the house out naked. You will go to jail, but you can do whatever you want. But it has less to do with what a man is yelling at you, and nobody wants to say this, but I will, what it has to do with is the underlying notion that if that man wanted to act on it, he could. And if you don’t believe me, every girl knows what it’s like, a guy yells something disgusting at you, and because you’re strong, you yell back. He’s like, “Nice tits.” You’re like, “Fuck off!” Immediately followed by, “What if he kills me?” Like, there’s that moment. Hoping to God that your bark was big enough that you don’t have to take a lady bite. Being sexually harassed is the worst. I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. Being sexually harassed by an ugly guy is the worst. If he’s hot, it’s just plain old flirting. No one’s ever been like, “Get away from me, you model!” That’s fine. It has to do also with an unrequited, uninvited sexual energy. And women are very aware of that. Every woman in here knows what it feels like to have a guy’s eyes on you when you find him attractive. It’s the best feeling. When you see hot guys and you walk by, you’re like, “Hope they’re looking at my butt. I feel so good about my little haunches.” When the dudes are gross and you walk by, you’re like, “Please don’t look at my butt, please don’t look at my butt.” Having someone sexually harass you, it’s their energy on you. It feels like you’re getting shot with a dick gun. That’s what it feels like. Minding your own business, like, “I love being an independent woman.” “Nice tits!” “Agh!” Aw, he got a boner for free. Women have to think about these things. It’s hard being a girl. I haven’t been a guy in, like, a while, but it is difficult. And we’re constantly questioning ourselves and we’re constantly being told that what we feel is wrong and how we look is wrong. And we tell it to little girls and it sticks with us. Take a man and a woman shopping. Nothing will fit because fashion is the enemy, for sure. But nothing will fit the woman for negative reasons and nothing will fit the guy for positive reasons. Take a woman shopping, “Nothing fits, my arms are fat, my thighs are big, I’m fucking gross, I hate my body.” Take a guy shopping, an average man of average build, five-ten, 170, “Nah, I can’t buy off the rack because my shoulders are so abnormally broad. I’m tall. For my height, my waist tapers at such an Adonis-like angle.” My dick is so girthy, I can only wear JNCOs.” “It’s hard for me.” These are good things. Women are told to change. It’s okay if men are the same. That’s why we have stereotypes. That’s why you’ve got the stereotype of your Grandpa, “I sit in my chair, I drink my beer, I’ve got the remote, I fought in Korea, don’t fucking talk to me,” right? “I’m not moving, you move!” Women aren’t like that, right? What do women do? “I’m taking a class.” Love classes. “I’m learning more about Cheryl.” “I’m meeting Cindy for the first time.” There’s two women in this monologue. I’m two different women, it’s fine. “I’m learning to breathe. I’m getting a sense of myself. I’m canning. I’m canning my own beets.” For no reason. I live in the middle of a city. I just thought I wanted to connect. I’m canning my own shit now. I take it, put it in there, I let it solidify, I make jewelry, I sell it on Etsy. It’s nice pocket money.” “I’m learning about myself. I’m learning to breathe. I’m cutting my own hair.” “I’m learning to make my own tea, putting the hair in the tea, I drink my hair.” Changing. We always wanna change a little bit, right? Always wanna lose a little bit of weight. No matter what your body looks like. “I just wanna lose, like, five pounds.” We think that’s the answer. “Just wanna lose, like, five pounds.” “Just wanna lose, like, five pounds before lunch.” “So I can have more lunch.” Because we think being skinny is the answer, right? It’s not even enough to be skinny, is it? It’s not even enough to be thin, is it? You have to be the thinnest out of your friends, who you hate. You don’t believe me? Look at any Instagram picture of more than four women. It’s a fucking pose-off. Dudes don’t care. They’ll turn around like gorillas mid-meal. “Take the picture, I don’t care. Fucking…” Girls, it’s like a Mr. Universe, like, “Fucking line up! Line up! Make it pointy! Concave! Make it fucking pointy! Kisses. Neck vein. Look at the motherfucking neck vein. Hamstring. Happy birthday, Stacey.” It’s not enough to just be thin, right? You wanna be the kind of thin where your friends… are worried for you. So thin. Horrible looking. Stalking around Gap Kids. “I wear a youth large, thank you.” Right? Fucking femur for days. Right? Mr. Peanut Legs coming out six seconds ahead of you. Like an R. Crumb comic book thinner, right? Just walking around, baby stegosaurus spine. Clothes hanging like moss off a willow tree. A fucking clavicle you can serve soup out of. Yeah! So happy! I like my body, but I always… Everybody wants to change something, right? I just wanted have shoulders that were so frail and tiny, little bird shoulders. Do they even have shoulders? No, it’s just… That’s what I want, I want no shoulders. I want the kind of shoulders where my bra strap just falls down. Just floppy hair. “Ohh. Whoops.” Men love it. They love it. They go crazy. One strap… Because it’s one less thing they gotta do, right? It’s not my fault I think that’s attractive. You see it on lingerie ads in magazines. The women are on the bed, bra strap. Men love vulnerability and that’s what that represents. “Not me, I like a strong woman.” Bullshit. Vulnerability. “Help me. Open this jar. Please help me.” They love it. What does the bra strap down represent? You’re not supported. When your tits are flopping around, you can’t run away. Yeah! I want that. I want that bone structure, right? I wanna have those shoulders. I wanna look like the girl on the cover of the playbill for Les Mis. Just… “Oh, monsieur!” It’s a ten-year-old French girl. Still, I want those bones. They do, men love vulnerability, right? That’s why the thin thing is the thing. That’s why women are expected to be… You can’t have a baby if you’re this big. That’s why we have to be… garden party. Like that kind of thin. Because if women are thin, there’s no nutrition, so you’re cold, you don’t leave the house, you don’t vote. Yeah! That’s why every model has that vulnerable look. That’s why models look like you uncovered a refugee from under a manhole cover. “Ohhh! Gucci.” They love vulnerability. And we do things to make ourselves vulnerable. Strong women are told to tone it down, right? But men are told to toughen up. We don’t let men be vulnerable. That’s not fair. But I can’t help you because I’m a girl and I can only fight one fight at a time. If you wanna come to my green room and cry after, I will… laugh at you. But, no… But we tell strong women to bring it down, right? High heels? Why do you wear high heels? So you what? Can’t run from your attacker. Good. Smoky eye makeup? Why does that make sense? What are you doing? You take the makeup, grind it into your eye. Why is that attractive? I figured it out. Smoky eye makeup makes you look like you what? Just choked on a dick and cried. Good. I am not wrong. It’s a little off-brand for me. I am not wrong. It’s not enough to be thin ever! You gotta be gaunt to the point of extinction. The kind of thin where it’s like, “What up, bitches? Find me.” That kind of thin. Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe it’s a cultural thing. I can only truly speak from the perspective of what I am. I’m an upper-middle-class white woman. Hope I die that way. And the expectation of being thin has been put on us for about 100 years. That’s been the look. The like… “Uhh, come, have some tea. Yes, these jeans are high. That’s not weird.” We like that look. And that’s a hard look to achieve. Some women die trying to be thin. And it was only in the last… forty years that women of color and women of other ethnicities rose to prominence and made it socially acceptable, nay attractive, to have the body of a grown woman. Jennifer Lopez came out of nowhere with the backside of a brontosaurus, like… “Que paso?” And it became attractive. And somewhere, with everybody having an agenda in our social conversation, it became okay to tell white girls to their faces, “You’re fat. Kill yourself.” Bullying us on Facebook. Because you’re white, so life must be easy. Which, I’m not gonna lie, it’s great. Being white is great. But… It became okay to say that because we are not spicy, right? White women don’t have a fire in them. There’s not a chili pepper here. Inside here is a scoop of Breyer’s vanilla bean ice cream. And we’ll take it. Your boyfriend tells you you’re fat, we’ll be like, “I’m sorry, Chad, please don’t get out of the kayak.” “We’re gonna have an afternoon. I brought Jenga.” You know who has an unshakeable sense of self-esteem? Black women. You… Yes! You cannot tell a sister on her something isn’t working. She won’t believe it. Try it. Say to a black girl, “I don’t like those jeans.” First of all, I dare you. It will not rattle her for a second. Be like, “I don’t like those jeans.” She’ll be like, “Bullshit. I see you looking.” Girls, if you want respect, you’re gonna have to take it. It’s 2016. Let’s learn math, let’s learn science, let’s drop the body issues, okay? Don’t let anybody make you feel less than. Your bodies are perfect as they are. And if you want respect, you have to command respect, not demand it. Two totally different things. Commanding respect is in the actions, it’s the way that we speak about each other, it’s the way that you speak about yourself. If your whole agenda is to be sexual, and confusing being sexual with empowerment, and talking about fucking and sex all the time, thinking that that’s the reason that women are empowered, you’re fucking wrong. It comes with the way you treat yourself. Don’t call each other whores. Don’t call each other sluts. Because when you do that, society looks at you and they say, “Oh, it’s okay to talk to women that way.” You teach people how to treat you. Let’s get rid of the phrase “walk of shame.” What is that one? What is walk of shame? I don’t understand that. I’ve never had a walk of shame. What could that be? Walk of shame. What’s there to be shameful about? What’s the shame in the fact that he and I went out, we had the same amount of vodka, he got too drunk to get it up, so he passed out, then I used his credit card to buy $100 worth of Chinese and stole his golf clubs? Walk of shame! We’re starting from behind here, girls, we’ve gotta say smarter things. From now on… Let’s make a pact. From now on, I don’t wanna hear any more women talk about how they wanna be… mermaids. Okay? Okay? It’s stupid. And I’m not trying to be a bitch, but it’s probably not gonna happen for you. Okay? Literally, you don’t have the bone structure. What worries me, I see it a lot and it’s not from children, it’s grown women, like, “I don’t wanna be adult any more. I wanna be a mermaid.” You… The amount of escapism that’s in that sentence! You wanna move to the woods, you wanna make jam, fine. At least you’re still paying taxes. You wanna be a mermaid? That means all of your achievements in life are gonna lead to you being a fictional fuck toy for a horny sailor. That’s what you want? That’s what mermaids are! Read a book! Because I see it a lot. T-shirts, right? “I am a mermaid.” “Yo soy mermaid.” “Je suis mermaid.” Let’s discuss the logistics… of being a mermaid, so that you have the information. If and when the job opportunity presents itself on LinkedIn… you can make an informed decision, okay? If you are a mermaid, you don’t sleep. Girls are like, “Oh, my God, I love sleeping.” “None for you. Just swim.” It’s chugging Mountain Dew Code Red. There are no beds, but there is Mountain Dew Code Red. You’re some white-trash jacked-up mermaid just swimming, swimming. And by the way, you don’t have fins. Remember, you’re half-human. So you’ve got arms. You’ve got these thick-ass traps, just swimming. You can’t stop swimming, because if you do, something will try to eat you, fuck you or kill you, okay? It’s not dissimilar to being a woman in a downtown area. So just swimming, swimming. Now, you’re swimming all day, you’re probably pretty hungry, right? How are you gonna catch food? Remember, you’re half-human. We don’t have animal-catching accoutrements, like claws and tentacles and lasers. We don’t have those kind of things. We have big brains. So I don’t know what you’re gonna do. Maybe talk a crab to death. Like, “Excuse me. Excuse me.” I was thinking of double majoring in psychology and communications. Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you a cancer?” So now… you’re hungry, you’re tired, you’re like, “I don’t care because I’m gonna lay on the beach like a mermaid.” No, you won’t. Sailors are gonna try to fuck you and the Japanese will definitely try to eat you just for funsies, okay? You’re swimming around like, “I don’t care because I’ll have long, flowing hair.” No, you won’t. You ever go in the ocean? You guys aren’t on an ocean, you’re on a lake. You’re a lake mermaid? What are you, half trout? Kill yourself. Ohh! Freshwater mermaid? What if you got, like, the weird end of the genetic pool and you were half turtle? No tail but just half… “Long flowing mermaid hair.” You’re not gonna have that. You ever go in the water when there’s waves? You won’t have long flowing hair. You’re going to have one giant mer-dread. And it’s just gonna follow you. It’s just one big old mer-lock and it’s getting caught on propellers, it’s getting caught on anchors. There’s sea lice living in your mer-dread because that’s a warm, hospitable environment. Then there’s fish feeding off those sea lice. There’s an entire sustainable maritime ecosystem attached to your fucking head. You drag it around. Sea lice are nipping at your scalp. You gotta get rid of it, right? You’re like, “I’ll just cut it off.” Ain’t no scissors in the ocean, all right? I don’t care what the Little Mermaid told us because she was a liar and a hoarder. Hoarder! We let it go because she was pretty, but she was super-gross. # Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? # That’s a used toothbrush. Don’t put it in your… Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! You’re gonna get sick! Still gotta get rid of that mer-dread because it’s a hazard, so what do you do? You have to get another fish to help you. You have to do what they do in the animal kingdom. You must what? You must what? Who here took marine biology? You have to what? Form a symbiotic relationship with other marine life. Good. And have that fish… come in with his fish tooth and just saw off your mer-dread, right? It’s gonna be bad-looking. But now, remember, you gotta pay that fish back. That’s the nature of a symbiotic relationship, you must reciprocate. How you gonna pay that fish back? You ain’t got no money, shell-tits. I hate to say it, but the only thing you have… is fish sex and I don’t know if you have a vagina because I’m not an ichthyologist and I don’t know how fish work. I should’ve looked it up before the taping but I’m just trying to tell you some jokes and I think I’ve done a pretty good job. You know what fish do? They poop. You’ve got a fish butt. So think about that. So. So now you’re swimming around, you’re hungry, you’re tired, you’ve got a fucked-up haircut, you’re like a little sore, you’re like… “I don’t care. I’m gonna be a mermaid. I’m gonna swim. Because I will swim like a mermaid.” Let’s remember how mermaids allegedly, because they are not real, swim. They swim… like dolphins. Hey, ladies, do you love ab day at the gym? Well, that’s your fucking life, sister! “37. 38.” Just trying to get through. Your entire existence is that of an R. Kelly backup dancer. Just swimming through the nineties. So, you can be a mermaid or you can always get a job in front of a used car dealership. No mermaids. We can do better. No mermaids. I worry for women. I worry for men. I worry for our country. Is anybody else really worried for our country? So I’m worried… And by the way, I am very proud to be an American and I love my country very much and I want the best for it. There’s no joke, it’s just a statement. I love being an American. What I’m scared for… What I’m scared about aren’t so much the nightmares clawing at our front and back doors, both politically, foreign, domestic, economical, ecological, whatever. What I’m scared about is the fact that, like, my generation is supposed to be grown-up and mature now. I represent the millennials. Perhaps you’ve seen our Instagram pages. Yeah, we cheer for ourselves. We’re the worst. I will say this as the Lorax of my generation, mustache, we… didn’t ask to be spoiled. Our parents loved us and they gave us everything. That’s the job of the generation prior, to give the next generation a better world than they had. So I’m gonna apologize to my grandkids for the radioactive ball of foil and Diet Coke that they’re gonna inherit from us. But that’s what the people before you do. And I believe that this wave of entitlement started with our grandparents. Our grandparents were called the greatest generation, and I believe that they were. They selflessly gave and they made this country the idea of America that a lot of us miss. White people. The rest of us, it was horrible for most of them. But in general… The main points of it, okay? Your grandparents had to fight. They had no choice. Grandpa had to fight in World War II. Grandpa was straight-up drizafted, okay? He had no choice. And when he came home from the war, all he wanted to do was have a family, have a job, be a little racist and live the American dream, that’s it. He fought, he got right to work. It’s not like guys today who’d be like, “Oh, I just wanna backpack around Oregon and find myself.” No! And they’re allowed to say that because, whether you like them or not, our military does such a good job of defending us on a day-to-day basis. And I know that TSA blows. But they do such a good job that you’re allowed to mentally check out. Like, if you don’t like the war going on right now, unlike it on Facebook. You’re allowed to do that. There was no concerted effort. You didn’t have to fight. My point is, there was no day we all gathered in our town squares and threw our iPhones into the center so the military could use the scrap metal. “What’s this? A droid? Take it back, freak.” We didn’t have that. I think it’s difficult to conceive of a world where you have to sacrifice so much and to understand what our grandparents did because now they’re old, and when you think old, what do you think? Cute, right? Your grandparents are cute because they’re tiny, shrinking. Pick them up, put them down, they don’t like it, sprinkle water, “Get it off me.” And the whiter you are, the greater a chance there is that you’ve developed some weird prerogative kitten-like nickname for your grandfather. Oh, it’s not Grandpa anymore, it’s like, “This is my Nim-Nam.” “This is my Yippers.” “This is my Pip-Pop.” Pip-Pop doesn’t give a fuck. He’s like, “I was a prisoner of war for six years, call my Pip-Pop, I’ve had worse.” “Oh, my God, you guys, my Pip-Pop is so cute. Oh, my God, Pip-Pop, he’s so cute, you guys. Sometimes at Christmas, when Pip-Pop falls asleep, we like to decorate him with Christmas bows. Isn’t that funny? Silly Pip-Pop.” Pip-Pop’s got 53 confirmed kills! Don’t think for a second Pip-Pop doesn’t remember how to repurpose that Christmas bow around your neck to get the intel that he needs out of you. “Sit the fuck down, Colton, Caleb, Ashton, Crashton, Crandon, whatever your fucking hipster name is, sit down!” Pip-Pop came home from the war and then they had our parents. Our parents are called the baby boomers because Pip-Pop came home from Normandy and he was like, “I’m not dead. Boom, Gladys, let’s fuck.” And then… The baby boomers, ask your parents, were the first generation that were allowed to be artists on a mass scale. You didn’t have to work on your family business, you could take drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, you could do and be what you wanted to be in the big city. The baby boomers had generation X. I don’t care about them because I’m a millennial. We showed up, got a trophy for breathing and then we invented Instagram. What’s insane about Instagram is this. We use hashtags, right? Hashtag, formerly known as the pound sign. She got a makeover. What’s weird about a hashtag… is this. The more hashtags there are under a posted picture on Instagram, the less likely the last hashtag is gonna have anything to do… with that posted picture. You got more than four hashtags under your picture, you are witnessing a human thought process devolve. By the end, it’s just word association. Free word association. Bunch of people on the beach, Fourth of July, right? “Fuck, yeah! #FourthBitches #Fourth #BeachDay #BDay #lndependenceDay #lndependentWoman #Beyonce” Yes! “#Blessed #IPayMyBills #BikiniBody #BeachBody #BoutThatLife #DontNeedAMan #DontWantAMan #NeverHadAMan #SometimesToFeelAHumanEmotion ILikeToDrinkMyOwnHair… What? What? What? Say something. Talking about? And then, because we’re so hard on women, we’re mean to women when they’re proud of their bodies on Instagram. We only allow women to post pictures when they’re a work in progress, right? “Keep it going.” If you’re ever like, “This is as good as it gets, fucking check it out!” it’s like, “You whore. You showy fucking bitch.” So instead of empowering women and letting them be proud of themselves, women have to shroud their pride in misdirect hashtags. So you’ve got a generation of girls proud of their bodies in a bathroom like this, and rather than be like, “#CheckOutMyBodyImSoHappyWithMyself,” instead she’s like, “#CheckOutTheGroutWorkOnTheseTiles.” Who’s looking at that? I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever dated someone who is… so pretty… but so stupid? Notice, it’s girls cheering. All the guys are like, “Yeah, I brought her here. Keep it moving!” “I don’t wanna get in a fight!” So, men can do that. Women really can’t. And the reasoning isn’t because men are dicks, there’s nothing like that, it has to do with the wiring of our brains. Men are visually stimulated, women, unfortunately, are cerebrally stimulated. Men are visual creatures. They have to be attracted to a woman before they can get to know how amazing she is inside. They have to be… A dude will date a Popsicle stick if it’s got a wig. Like, it doesn’t matter. That’s why it’s tough, because you wanna be a feminist, like, “I don’t have to get ready for a man,” but that’s what they’re attracted to. Just the littlest bit. Everybody’s got that one girlfriend that’s like, “I don’t get it. I volunteer and I rescue animals and I’m very sweet.” It’s like, “Yeah, but you’re so ugly so you have to… Just brush the hair! Just, anything! One tooth.” You don’t have to have it out there. He cannot check out your personality from across the room. That’s all I’m saying. No man has ever done that. No man has ever seen a woman who’s sitting there nibbling on her nubs with, like, a gill… and walked up and been like, “Excuse me, you’re hideous, but you look like you might enjoy Tom Clancy, light nipple play and barbecue. Is that true?” And women do stuff to make themselves physically attractive. Even if you’re not trying that hard, most of the stuff we do is just to get men’s attention. Shiny hair. Why is your hair shiny? It makes you look fertile. Thanks, Pantene. But that’s why. There’s no reason to have it shiny other than to get attention. You’re not, like, deflecting a car light when you’re running. Big eyes. “Look at me! My lips look like a vagina and my boobs look like a butt and my butt looks like boobs. I’m a Mrs. Potato Head. Mate with me!” You may not like it, but I’m not wrong. Women are cerebrally stimulated. That’s why we say the number one thing we look for in a man is a conversation. “Someone I can talk to. Sense of humor.” I have dated gutter goblins who were just, like, really funny and smart. “I just wanna talk to him. It’s sexy. I just want someone I can talk to. At. Just sit there and breathe, Steve.” We need that back and forth. We have to be able to talk. And it’s something that we need, and yet we’re chastised for it. You ever been called a “chatty Cathy”? By an idiot, but still, ever been called that? “A couple of girls just yipping away, huh? She’ll talk your ear off. Bunch of giblets in a henhouse.” No-one says giblets in a hen… That means the chicken’s already dead. Women are always chastised for talking a lot. The reason women talk goes back thousands of years. The reason women talk a lot, have a proclivity for speaking… Mm! Is when men would go out and hunt and fight and get animals, otherwise known as hunting… “Go get an animal.” Women stayed behind… And we raised the kids and we made food. And because the world wasn’t really a thing yet, we exchanged survival secrets. We would tell each other things like, “Oh, don’t eat that berry, it’ll make your husband’s dick fall off.” “Don’t wipe with that leaf, I found in my studies that it really hurts your vagina.” You had to exchange this information to keep your tribe alive. Now, that’s devolved to, “What color lip gloss?” but it’s the exchange of information. Girls gather and then share. So guys, when we’re talking and it bothers you, just know we’re trying to make it so your dick doesn’t fall off! That’s what we’re doing. Trying to help you! Trying to help you live! Nothing wrong with it. I’ll say it. I’m a feminist. You know what? I’ll say it for the women that don’t know to say it. And you might not be comfortable with it. Because a lot of women are like, “I love being a woman, but I’m not a feminist.” What are you, a horse? Like, what are the other options? Let me clarify it… for the men and the women who might not have a clear idea. Being a feminist means you just wanna be treated fairly, you just want it even, no more, no less. Maybe like a little bit more. You just wanna get the same. And a lot of women don’t like to say they’re feminists because they don’t think it sounds attractive, right? Which is inherently an issue in and of itself. Because men think feminist, they have a bad idea of it. Guys think of some square-jawed broad with three chin hairs and a power suit, like, “I’m gonna kick you in the dick and take your job!” That’s not what we want. We just want it even. If we’re gonna be feminists, let’s start with something fun. Wage gap, gotta close that. But let’s start with something everybody wants to deal with. Yeah, for sure. Duh! Let’s start with porn. Because even if you’re a woman and you love being a porn star, it’s still you taking it for, like, three hours, you’re getting paid 30 percent less and he’s actually getting off, so let’s make some feminist porn. Let’s see a porn where a girl kicks a door in, like… “Who wants to lick it? Line up! Go!” Go! Next! Go! Beat your best time. Go!” That’s so gross. So off-brand. So gross. Now, all the girls are cheering, because in theory, that’s empowering. But in practice, horrific. That would be horrible. No woman could withstand that. Halfway through the second guy, we’d all be like, “Okay, okay, okay, okay!” “It’s sensitive! I need a minute!” “I just need a minute! I just need a minute. Don’t hug me. I’m not mad, I just need a minute.” “Why don’t you go order us a pizza? I’ll fire up my Pinterest page.” Let me ask you a question. This is for the girls in the audience. This is a very real question, very real statement. Have you ever been… Have you ever been having sex with your boyfriend and you’re not into it, like, obviously, and then all of a sudden, you start to get really excited? Not so much from physical stimulation, but because mentally you’re like… “This is almost done.” And when it is done… we shall go to the farmers market!” You plan out the whole day. Guys, you have to make sure her head is in the game, no pun intended, but, like, pun intended for sure. I don’t think we check in with each other enough as opposite sexes. Men think because she’s making noises they hear in movies, she’s enjoying it. Women are like, “I’m making noises, let’s fucking get it over with.” If you care about the girl, you gotta make sure she’s getting what she wants. And girls, the best thing you can do, if you have great sex, the best thing you can do the second sex is over is… not talk to him. Sounds horrible. It’s actually to your benefit. That’s not your boyfriend lying next to you. That is a husk of a man… depleted of all bodily fluids… incapable of giving you the answer you deserve. And I get it. You just had sex, you’re feeling great, oxytocin is flowing, you just hosted a human being inside of you… You love him and you wanna talk about the future. He can’t do it. You look at him and say, “What are you thinking about?” He’s laying there, dust. “Ohh.” Get him a Gatorade, give him five. He can’t answer you. You’ll be like, “What are you thinking about?” He’ll never, ever be like, “You in a wedding dress.” But guys, if you love your girl, check in with her. Because you’re far away. She’s up there. You’re here like, “I’m amazing. I’ll bet she fucking loves this.” And we’re down there like, “I wonder if lavender is in season.” Still back there. “Siri, is lavender…” “Calling Mom Cell.” “No, Siri!” “No!” Snap. The moral of that story is I was in a relationship and I wasn’t happy, so I left the relationship. I’m not advocating for leaving the person you’re with. What I am advocating for is this. If you’re not happy, there’s no reason to stay out of fear of being alone. We like to scare women. And I’m sure there are men that feel this way. But we like to scare women when they’re single and we like to be mean to them and we label them. We say mean things to them. She’s a spinster. Old maid. Really involved with animal rescue. We have names like that. And we like to question them, as if there’s something wrong. “Why are you single?” “Because the last one was a dick and I’m not stupid.” Like, that’s why you do it. Nobody wakes up married. Nobody is born betrothed to someone. We have to be kinder to women and stop doing it. And we have the audacity to have magazines, self-help books, articles, posing the question, “You’re single. Now what? You’re single. Now what?” What do you mean, “Now what?” Now I shave off an eyebrow and take up with wolves. What do you mean, “Now what?” What do you mean, “Now what?” I got a mortgage. How about fuck bitches, get money? It’s so stupid. What upsets me is that women spend so much time and energy flogging themselves mentally for being single, and changing and trying different methods and looking for guys. And men don’t have to do that. They have the luxury of relaxing because they don’t have eggs. There are no articles in GQ like, “You’re single. Now what?” There’s none of that. The answer would always be, “Now I can jerk off where I want. No-one bugs me. #Sandwich.” The good part about traveling for the last year, I’ve had time for myself. More time from my research. I don’t do research. I just watch TV. But I wear a lab coat while I do it for the tax write-off. Before we get out of here, before we conclude this TED Talk… Does everybody here watch Shark Tank? So… All I want, all I want, is a live episode of Shark Tank. That’s what I want. A live episode. It’s a reality show. But if you watch it, you’ll notice it’s heavily edited, heavily produced, and what bothers me… is the presentations from the entrepreneurs are too polished. There’s no grit to them. They come out like a fifth-grade Thanksgiving pageant. “The natives called it maize. We bottled it.” I don’t wanna see that, okay? I want to see you mess up. I wanna see you trip. Maybe you forget your words. Maybe you chip a tooth. I wanna see you crumble as an entity before my eyes. Only then will I tolerate you rising from the ashes with any degree of hubris. That’s the way to consume American reality TV. The sheer schadenfreude of watching someone shit themselves on TV and then building them back up. That’s what we like to see. Okay? These are cattle farmers from the middle of Iowa and they get in front of a camera and suddenly they’re Winston Churchill? I don’t buy it, okay? I speak for a living and even I mess up, so there’s no way these two fucking dye jobs from ASU with, like, a new take on cookies, there’s no way! Flawlessly orating. There are three archetypes of women that they like to have on Shark Tank. They love to have moms, because most of us have moms. But what’s crazy and, like, creepy is that all the moms on Shark Tank have the exact same voice. It’s a little Stepfordian. They all sound like this. “Hi, Sharks. My name’s Nancy from Laguna Niguel and I’ve discovered a new way to get your toddler to eat their blueberries.” Then they have really smart women. They do. They’ll have brilliant women. But it seems that the smarter the woman, the longer the last name. Like, they’ll hyphenate their last names. I can’t stand hyphenated last names. If you’re in this room and you’ve got a hyphenated last name, chop it in half! Okay? You’re not Spanish royalty. Chop it! I barely care about your first name. Let alone the entire questionable heritage. When you have a hyphenated last name, all that makes me think is that mama was a big old strong lesbian and she didn’t wanna give up her family inheritance so she begrudgingly married your father, now they have separate twin beds and are co-women’s studies professors at Wellesley. It’s also just so much information. I’m trying to hear you, your valuation, listen to the equity, and you’re coming up there with a phonebook, like, “Hi, Sharks. My name’s Michelle-Lida-Julia Freeman-Cereal.” “And I’m Rebecca-Lynn-Stacey Fitzgerald-Yang. And together, we sound like five dudes.” Like, it’s a lot… of information. Are you inventors or a law firm? Like, what is that? And then in the final category, the toy category, we have the hot women. Not attractive. Not cute. Fucking hot. Teeth, tan, tits, hair. “Sharks!” Sometimes they do this. They’ll have very smart woman on the show. Sometimes it feels like the hotter the woman, the dumber the product. And I believe it’s done to keep us in line. But… a lot of the time, the women’s products have to do with two categories. It’s either wrangling your femininity. “Sharks, it’s a flap you put over your vagina so no one knows you have one.” “Move through the workplace with ease.” Or it’s a product so stupid, it will just confirm any preconceived notions you might have about female intelligence. Like, “Sharks, it’s a shower cap that you can wear while you’re cooking so your hair doesn’t smell!” No! You just set us back, like, a week with that shit, Lexi. But that’s the one that I’d like to see live. The hot one. Because I believe watching an attractive woman mentally unravel… on national television is the reason we all watch reality TV. “Up next are two sisters from Scottsdale, Arizona, with a new take on popcorn.” Jiggle, jiggle. “Hi, Sharks! My name’s Madison.” Duh. They’re always named Madison, right? “And this is my sister, Michaela.” They’re always named Michaela. Fucking obviously. “And together, we are the inventors, creators and CEOs of… Put your back against mine.” “CEOs of… Put your fucking back against mine. What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? We do this then we do the product, yes? Oh, my fucking goodness! We haven’t done the product yet. We can’t. We can’t start over. That’s what that light is. That’s fucking live, bitch. Yes!” “We can’t… Can we start over?” “No.” “I got nothing.” “Oh, my God, I’m not yelling at you! I’m not yelling at you. I’m not making it about me! Do not do this here! It’s fucking live TV! I’m not making it about me! You’re making it about me making it about you making it about me! I am trying to make this… Oh, my God. Okay. Just stay there. I will do it. I will do it. Just stay there. It’s fine. Stay there. I will handle it. Stay there, you fucking casualty. Okay, the other day, my sister and I were at home eating popcorn and crying, and we got down to the bottom of the bag. And, shake, shake, shake, what was left at the bottom? All the unpopped kernels. That’s when my sister and I decided that we should… Put your fucking back…” “Against mine. Put your fucking back against mine! What the fuck are you doing? I am trying… No! No! You’re not gonna fucking do this to me again! I am trying to keep this family together! Do you not understand that? No, this is not about me! I am trying to help! This is nothing like when Daddy died! You are being a bitch! I am trying to keep this family… She does this! She does this every time! Everybody’s gonna know that you’re a fucking… I wasn’t flirting with your husband! You are so fucking insecure! Because I slept with your boyfriend in high school and he turned out to be gay! No, it wasn’t your fault! Big fucking deal! He wanted to talk about your birthday so that fucking Michaela could turn 40 for the third time! You’re a fucking bitch! I need a minute! I need a fucking minute! I need… I need a Madison minute! Hold on! I’m fucking good. I’m fucking good! Let’s fucking do it! You wanna go? Shit. I don’t care. I am trying… I am not… I can’t. I can’t. Why are the walls bleeding? I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this. I can’t do it. You being a… I shit. I shit my pants. Oh, good news. It’s not shit. It’s blood! It’s blood, you fucking monster! I am trying… I can’t… No. You know what? I am keeping it together. I am the stable one! I am keeping it… I am not… I am not yelling! I am not yelling. I am not yelling. Huh? What? Yes, it’s a hive. This happens. It happens every time you open your fucking whore mouth! Yes, I know! And I’m trying… I’m a good feminist. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I’m sorry! My tan is dripping off. I am not…” “I am not… I am not… I am not yelling. I am not yelling! I am using…” “I am using the vocabulary that Dr. Goldstein told us to use.” “I am requesting…” “that you… hear… my…” “desire… to communicate… in an open way… and put your fucking back against mine! She’s ruining it! She’s ruining everything!” “She’s ruining it. This is a big deal. We put everything… We put everything into this company!” “Did you really?” “No, but my mom did.” “I am trying to keep it together. Everybody depends on me because we spent all of our money on our first company and it shat the bed.” “What was your first company?” “I’m gonna tell them.” “I’m gonna tell them and you’re gonna look like the fucking psycho bitch that you are. Everyone’s gonna know. I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell the cameras. Is this camera still on? Good.” “Fuck you.” “Do you remember when… Um… Fuck, it’s, like, stuck right here in my nose.” “Uhh! Do you remember when, um, our country went through a recession, and everybody was losing their homes and their money? My sister and I decided that rather than save up or go back to school, we would do what every other girl without a marketable skill did, we… opened up a cupcake company.” “I don’t know if you noticed, but during the recession, there was a fucking boom in the confection industry! That’s because it doesn’t take a fucking rocket science degree to shit out, like, an okay cupcake. And, like, no one’s gonna say no to a cupcake. People will spend their last dollar. They’re not gonna be like, “No,” they’ll be like, “A cupcake. My day’s okay for a minute.” And we were feeding people these cupcakes and they were upside-down on their houses and they were jobless and we were feeding these depressed people cupcakes. And it’s a scientific fact that obesity and depression have a direct correlation, and we were just feeding the belly of the beast from within the belly of the beast and capitalizing off of it. People needed answers. They needed a viable option for credit, not a buttercream… Put your fucking back against mine! I swear to Christ, Michaela, if you ruin this for me, I will fuck your husband! Screw it! Cut! I should’ve been a mermaid!” Pack your hip! |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-crazy-good-transcript/ | Neal Brennan: Crazy Good (2024) | Transcript | neal brennan | [dark music playing] [Neal] So if you’re watching this ’cause you saw my other Netflix specials and I talked about having depression and you wanted to support a fellow traveler, I have some terrible news. I feel pretty great. [audience cheering] It’s hard to know how to start these specials, so I’ve been trying to incorporate AI. [audience laughing] So… So every day, I go on that ChatGPT and I type in, “opening line for a comedy show.” Anyhow, tonight’s opening line is… “Good evening, pussies.” [audience laughing] Isn’t that weird? That’s a trillion dollars in deep learning. It’s every book ever published, every speech. That’s what they gave me. I was like, “Are you sure?” “Say it, pussy.” I was like, “Okay.” [audience laughing] So what kind of people are you? Are you crypto people? Yeah, I’m sitting crypto out, and maybe I’m blowing it. People go, “Where are you putting your money?” The bank. Shut up. [audience laughing] I’ve just… I’ve never rooted against a currency before, you know what I mean? I’ve never been like, “Fuck pesos!” I don’t… [audience laughing] My issue with crypto is everyone who told me about crypto had never spoken about finances before, ever. It’s like, “Weren’t you a DJ three weeks ago?” “Why are you telling me?” I was talking to my buddy. He’s like, “Bro, you’ll make sick returns.” I was like, “Never speak to me this way about money.” Social media makes everybody think they have to be cool. Certain people, I don’t want cool. I don’t want a cool finance guy, I don’t want a cool lawyer, I don’t want a cool doctor. I don’t want my doctor to be like, “Bro, I saw your X-rays.” “They were so sketch.” Like, I don’t want… [audience laughing] I have important things in my life. You know who I want in charge of ’em? Dorks. Here’s who I want in charge of my important things. Oily skin, bad clothing, no eye contact. Just a touch of Asperger’s. Just a touch. [audience laughing] Salt Bae, but it’s Asperger’s. [audience laughing] But I get why… why guys fell for crypto. And let’s be clear, it was all guys. [audience laughing] Women don’t take financial risks, women take emotional risks. Women will be like, “No, I didn’t invest in Bitcoin, but I am dating a drummer.” [audience laughing] “He’s basically separated.” [audience laughing] [scoffs] Yeah, the guys fell for crypto on social media, ’cause there are these dudes on the guys’ algorithm, uh, that are like hustle-preneurs. They’re all about grinding and hustling, and they’re, like, personal trainers. I call ’em “the clappers” ’cause they start all their posts like this. [claps] ‘Sup, guys? [audience laughing] Hey, if you’re under 30, I just have to let you know, no one’s ever clapped and said anything great in the history of the Earth. JFK wasn’t like… “Ask not what your country can do for you.” Martin Luther King wasn’t like… “I had a dream, my guy.” [audience laughing] “Please like and subscribe.” [audience laughing] “To hear more about my dreams, support my Patreon.” I was following one of these clapper dudes, right? I was hate-following. It doesn’t make a difference, but, uh… They all think they’re like werewolves. They’re like, “I guess I’m just built different.” Um… [audience laughing] They always have, like, this special system that doesn’t even make sense, where they’ll be like, “See, I got a millionaire mindset.” “I’ll let you in on something I’m doing. I just bought five used cars.” “I’m gassing them up myself, leasing them out to Uber drivers…” “I can’t lose money on this.” Then of course gas prices skyrocket. Next time I see the guy, he’s making a video from the gas station, “This system sucks.” Yeah, dumbass, ’cause ExxonMobil been on that… millionaire mindset… [audience laughing] …since 1881. So that’s… that’s guys’ social media. And then women’s social media, it’s just a lot of beautiful underdogs… [audience laughing] [scoffs] …that’s a part of something very dramatic. The entire world’s against them. They’ll be like, “When I began my journey…” They’re all on journeys. All of them are on journeys. They’re like, “When I began my journey, no one believed in me.” That’s what these girls don’t understand. It’s not that no one believes in you. No one gives a shit about anything anyone is doing but themselves. No one’s thinking about you, no one’s going to bed at night like, “You know who’ll never open a business? That bitch Jessica. Goodnight.” [snores] [audience laughing] Yeah. I’m on social media a lot, unfortunately. And I was dating a model. I was fo… I was following a model. And, uh… [audience laughing] Models love trying to normalize themselves. They’re like, “I know what it’s like to be a regular person, ’cause I went through an awkward phase in grade school.” So condescending. “I know what it’s like to be a regular person.” “I went through an awkward phase…” That’d be like me going up to an amputee and being like, “I know what you’re going through, pal, ’cause my foot falls asleep sometimes.” [audience laughing] “So I get it. Same-same, same-same, same-same.” Yeah, it’s all very pseudo-spiritual. A lot of talking about the ancestors. “We need to pray to the ancestors.” “We need to ask the ancestors for guidance.” If you’re Black, or Brown, or Indigenous, go ahead and pray to your ancestors. White people, do not pray to your ancestors under any circumstances. [audience laughing] All of my ancestors were toothless, Irish, illiterate alcoholic maniacs from a very different time who I cannot rely on for any guidance whatsoever. I could say, “I’m having a hard time with my girlfriend. What do I do?” Just be like, “Lock her in the shed!” [audience laughing] “Push her off a cliff and blame it on the wind.” [audience laughing] “It works every time.” “Boy-o.” Yeah, they love talking about the ancestors on the girls’ algorithm. And you know what word they love using? The T-word. [woman] Ugh. You know… Oh, she gets it. [audience laughing] You know what T-word I’m talking about. Trauma… [audience laughing] Aaah… I know you may be thinking, “Neal, it’s hypocritical of you to criticize women talking about trauma in public.” Yeah, good point. But when I talk about trauma, it’s different. It’s on Netflix, goddamn it. [audience laughing] Yeah, but again, some of these girls are full of shit. You know they are. This can’t all be trauma. Everything’s trauma to them. They’ll be like, “I had so much trauma today at Starbucks.” “I was literally shaking.” Well, you’re addicted to Adderall, so that checks out. [audience laughing] Also, ladies, if you can talk about it on social media, probably not trauma! Just letting you know. Trauma’s a physical thing. Physical thing. Not a vibe, a physical thing that happened to you that’s so jarring to your body and spirit that you don’t know how to process it, let alone post about it on social media with captions and music. [audience laughing] Like, a good example of trauma would be, uh… World War II. [audience laughing] Our great-grandfathers fought in World War II, never mentioned it once. They didn’t come back and be like, “So I was just in Germany.” [audience laughing] “It was not okay.” [audience laughing] “I stormed the beaches at Normandy, I literally died.” [audience laughing] “You guys, turns out, one of my triggers?” “Triggers.” [audience laughing] “Also, can I just say, kind of a controversial opinion, but Hitler? Toxic.” [audience laughing] It’s surprising, ’cause I did not see the trauma flexing coming. What’s even more surprising to me is that the culture of social media spread to people that aren’t even on it. I was talking to my buddy, he said, “You need to focus on gratitude.” I was like, “Goodbye.” [audience laughing] Another buddy was like, “You need to check your entitlement.” I was like, “I’m gonna call you right back.” You’re blocked forever. I’m not talking like this. I’m not doing this with my friends. He goes, “That’s what friends are for.” I was like, “No, that’s what grandparents are for.” I was talking to somebody today, and she’s like, “I think my kids are dumb, ’cause my husband’s dumb.” I was like, “Now, this is a friendship right here.” [audience laughing] You’re not really friends with somebody unless you’re both worried that if your text messages went public, you’d both lose your jobs. That is a friendship, and you cherish it and you nurture it, and you should encrypt it, probably. [audience laughing] By the way, don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those people who’s like, “This country’s going to hell in a handbasket.” “Things used to be better.” No, a lot of stuff is better now than it was before. My brothers and sisters, I’m the youngest of ten, they would always bring up TV ratings as like a barometer of how well the country was doing. They’d be like, “You know, 50 million people used to watch <i>Cheers</i> or <i>M*A*S*H</i> or <i>All in the Family.”</i> Yet the reason 50 million people watched <i>All in the Family</i> is ’cause there was nothing else to do. You’d either watch <i>All In the Family</i> or go stand in the yard. There was nothing you could do. [audience laughing] Also, TV used… Are you out of your mind? TV’s never been better. It never will be better. Like, you know it’s good TV because we binge-watch. That’s like a junkie word, you know what I mean? I didn’t even realize I was a binger till fairly recently. Like, I was watching <i>Stranger Things</i> and I’d watch, like, a bunch of episodes in a row, and then after the third one, like, that little pop-up window came on. Like “New episode in five, four, three…” And I was like, “Let’s go! I don’t have that kind of time.” “Let’s go, motherfucker!” [audience laughing] Skip intro! I don’t fucking need a recap. I just watched three episodes! Dude, you know who the fuck I am! [audience laughing] Things are better. We can solve murders now. They used to not be able to… All they had was just the fingerprint dust and they were stumped. All you had to do was wear gloves and you could murder three or four nights a week, if you wanted to. Here’s how easy it was to murder. Murderers used to write letters to the newspaper for fun! [audience laughing] Like, “Dear Paper, it’s me, the murderer.” “Things are getting a little boring, so here’s a clue.” “What has four legs and loves dinner? A table. See you at the next murder.” [audience laughing] And they’d still get away with it! The Zodiac wrote a dozen letters to the paper, and they were just like, “This guy is some kind of mastermind.” “He must have worn mittens or something. I don’t know how he’s doing this.” Things are better now. People over 40, back me up on this. Back me up on how sloppy and disorganized the world used to be. Remember when sunblock began? [audience laughing] Young people, there was no sunblock. There was suntan oil, and then the next week, they were like, “Hey, that was lube for cancer.” [audience laughing] “Block your whole thing.” White people were getting scorched, is my point. We were getting scorched. As a white person, you’d go outside. It was time to come back in when you were like, “Do you smell meat?” It was you. [audience laughing] And you know who doesn’t care? My Black friends. I try to tell my Black friends. I’m like, “Dude, I’ve gotten second-degree, bubbly burns.” White people get skin cancer 30 times more than Black people. My Black friends are like, “Neal, I’m having a hard time finding my passion for this.” [audience laughing] You know what I’m starting to realize? This is going to sound crazy. But if you think about it, the sun is basically the cops for white people. [audience laughing] Think about it. Following us around everywhere we go, fucking with us ’cause of the color of our skin, killing our cousins for no reason. And when I tell my Black friends the sun killed my cousin, they’re like, “What was he wearing?” I’m like, “Goddamn!” [applause and laughter] [Neal] Things are better. Depression and anxiety are worse, I’ll say that. And, uh, people blame social media, or at least try to. I don’t blame social media for anxiety and depression. You know what I blame? Documentaries. [audience laughing] Yeah, there’s too… We used to not know anything. It was great. Once documentaries came out, we started knowing shit, our lives got worse. Before documentaries, we’d say shit like, “Yeah, the whale wants to be at SeaWorld. Yeah!” [audience laughing] The five scariest words in the English language are, “Did you see that documentary?” [audience laughing] Whatever you’re doing is about to be ruined. I was eating with chopsticks. My buddy’s like, “Did you see the chopsticks documentary?” I’m like, “Why? Are they bad for the environment?” “Worse than we thought, pandas are using them to stab each other.” I’m like, “Goddamn it.” Gotta be careful which ones you watch. I’m vegan ’cause I watched the wrong goddamn documentary. A buddy of mine sent me a trailer, like, “You gotta watch this.” I go, “What’s it about?” He goes, “It’s a documentary about how all toothpaste is toxic.” Like, “Fuck that. I’m not watching that.” [audience laughing] I just spent $180 at Costco to get enough toothpaste to last five generations of my family. I’m not throwing it away ’cause some dickhead’s like, “My toothpaste journey will shock you.” [audience laughing] I was watching a documentary recently about advertising. Do you know that they can’t advertise religion in a lot of countries? I don’t know, we’re saturated in them. I don’t think they work. I’ve never been like, “Latter-day Saints, tell me more.” Like… I don’t think they <i>couldn’t</i> work. I just think they don’t work as currently constructed. All right, here’s how I think they should make religious commercials that’d work. You know those… those, uh, political campaign attack ads, right? During election season, there’ll be those commercials, it’s like black-and-white footage and an ominous voice-over. Like, “Steve Jones is a total piece of shit.” [audience laughing] But for LA, last election for mayor, it got insane. They were like, “Rick Caruso wants to make homeless people sex workers.” “What?!” [audience laughing] “I’m listening, go on.” [audience laughing] Here’s what I think they should do. I think that’s what religions should do. Make attack ads on each other for like a month, and then we vote. [audience laughing] And again, this is… We’re not in the best, you know, climate for religious stuff, but I think we can… we can get through this joke. [audience laughing] You know what I mean? Week one, Jewish people make an attack ad on Christians. Wait for it. [in upbeat voice] Christianity only has two holidays a year. Judaism has tons of holidays. Sometimes we make them up the day before. If anyone questions us, we’ll just say they’re being anti-Semitic. [audience laughing] Plus, the god at the center of Christianity, Jesus Christ, was Jewish! Why pray to a Jew when you can be one? [audience laughing] This message was paid for by Judaism but honestly we didn’t pay, because we run the network. [audience laughing] [audience clapping] It’s not a huge applause break, but you know. [audience laughing] [chuckles] Also, if you’re mad that Jewish people run TV networks, they invented them. They started the movie business, then the radio business, then the TV business. It’s kinda theirs to run. That would be like complaining, “The Italians run salami!” [audience laughing] Week two… Catholics make an attack ad on Muslims. Hear me out. I wrote this joke three months ago, different world. [audience laughing] [chuckles] [in upbeat voice] Muslims have to pray five times a day. Catholics only have to pray when it’s super important. [audience laughing] Like when they take an STD test. [audience laughing] Plus, Muslims make women wear burkas that cover up their whole bodies. Catholicism would never do that. We teach women shame the old-fashioned way, psychologically. [audience laughing] Plus, Islam forbids alcohol. Catholicism serves that shit at mass. Catholicism, we’ll bring a little booze, you bring the little boys. [audience laughing] [chuckles] [chuckling] Here we go. Yeah. Atheism could win, right? The election. A lot of atheists here, right? Like, you know, I used to be an atheist, and then I kept drinking ayahuasca, and that changed. God came and got me. Uh… I could make a hot-ass atheism commercial. I just need like 15 seconds. Black screen, white type. You’re liberal. You’re vegan. You recycle. You believe in diversity, equity, and inclusion. Come on! You already think you’re better than everyone. Finish the job! Atheism. [audience laughing] Speaking of religion, did you see the Dalai Lama got in trouble a few months ago? If you don’t know the story, the Dalai Lama, like, made out with, like, an eight-year-old. I didn’t know he was Catholic. Did you know he was Catholic? [audience laughing] People get upset when an important religious figure falls like that. I didn’t feel upset at all. I felt, like, liberated. I feel like if the Dalai Lama’s a pedophile, we can probably litter. You know what I mean? [audience laughing] But I get why people are upset about the Dalai Lama. People need leaders, and a lot of leaders are just worse than they’ve ever been. You know, religious leaders are bad, corporate leaders are bad, political leaders seem pretty bad. Doesn’t 91 indictments seem like a lot? Just hypothetically. Trump got found guilty of sexual assault. Basically rape. We’re all so numb to it that we’re just like, “Put it on our tab.” “We don’t understand what’s happening to our country.” I’ve totally accepted that Trump may still win, right? Totally accepted. As far as I’m concerned, the next president is either gonna be Trump from prison or Biden from hospice. That’s just what it’s gonna be. He’s found guilty of rape, basically. Isn’t that insane? And I know rape’s a tough thing to bring up at a comedy show. It’s like the Holocaust or slavery. If you bring it up, do you trivialize it in a bad way, or do you reduce it in a good way? Let’s try to reduce rape in a good way. Ready? I think we can do it. We never joke about rape ’cause it’s the worst thing you can do to somebody except murder, and we joke about murder constantly. Dude, if you come to my show and sit in the front row with your girl, I’m gonna kill you. If you wear a beanie to my show, I’m gonna murder you on sight. I couldn’t have substituted “rape” in either one of those. [audience laughing] Your dad is never gonna call you and be like, “If you’re late for Mom’s birthday, I’m gonna rape you.” It’s never gonna happen. [audience laughing] Every movie’s got kill, death, murder in the title, in the plot. You’re never going to see a trailer for <i>John Wick 5,</i> like, “They raped his dog.” [audience laughing] “And now one by one, he has to rape them back.” I loved <i>Kill Bill.</i> Did anybody see <i>Rape Bill?</i> I don’t remember. James Bond, <i>License to Rape.</i> Who was that? Was that Daniel Craig? Remember that great song “Raping Them Softly”? My friend said I probably shouldn’t do that joke. Eh. I was like, “How come?” She goes, “‘Cause I think rape is worse than murder.” I was like, “I know a lot of people that are recovering from rape.” “I don’t know anyone who’s recovered from murder.” All right, one guy, 2,000 years ago, Jesus Christ, and people will not shut the fuck up about it. He was dead, then he was like, “Psych! Look familiar, motherfucker? Yeah!” “Should have raped me.” [audience laughing] Look, I probably shouldn’t do that joke, but unfortunately, it rapes. [audience laughing and clapping] I may have lost you on that. That’s a new thing where, because so many political and religious and corporate leaders and journalists have all sort of fallen, so now, comedians are held to this incredibly high standard. It’s so weird. It’s so weird! Like, remember when everybody was walking around going, “Is Ellen nice?” Is Ellen DeGeneres nice? Ellen’s one of the funniest people alive. That’s A. B, she’s a gay rights icon. Came out on TV in the ’90s, got kicked off TV for being gay, comes back six years later, dominates. It’s an amazing story, but it’s not enough for people. They’re like, “Yeah, but is she nice?” It’s so childish. It’s like being like, “Is my car also a boat?” Just appreciate that you have a car, you baby. Also, “Is Ellen nice?” How many nice lesbians have you ever met in your entire life? [audience laughing] They’re never mean, but they’re never bubbly. They’re like public defenders. Like, “We’re going to get you out of here.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] I had a handyman doing work at my house. Not like he was “my handyman,” I got him off Craigslist, and he just wasn’t that handy. After a few times coming to my house, he was like, “You know Kevin Hart?” I was like, “I know Kevin a little bit.” He goes, “Is he humble?” [audience laughing] I was like, “Jeremy, you’re a handyman, you’re not humble.” [audience laughing] Why does Kevin have to be? What you’re asking is, “Hey, Neal, is that 5’3″ billionaire humble?” “What do you think, Jeremy?” How humble do you think Kevin Hart is on a scale from Napoleon to Tom Cruise? [audience laughing] “Where do you put little Kevin there in terms of raw humility?” Comedians get in trouble all the time for talking about transgender rights. How corrupt is the rest of society that we’re talking about a serious issue, people go, “What do the clowns think?” Why are you bringing this up? “Has anyone asked the clowns about it?” [audience laughing] I will say, I have a pretty controversial, uh, transgender opinion. You ready? I don’t think about them that much. [audience laughing] [man hooting] “Neal, are you a bigot?” Nope, just busy. [audience laughing] I think about transgender people about as much as I think about left-handed Filipino people. [audience laughing] I’m not mad at them. I hope they get everything they need. If I meet one and they want to shake with their left hand, I won’t say, “Right hands only! I don’t recognize that hand as a hand.” [audience laughing] Joe Rogan gets in trouble all the time. Joe Rogan, known him 30 years. Great dude, nice dude, funny dude, always been nice to me. He got in trouble during COVID because he had on anti-vax people, and when you’re talking in public about medicine and science, you should hit them back with facts, whereas Joe was just like, [in dizzy voice] “That’s interesting.” Um… He got in trouble and then people were boycotting Spotify, and then Spotify didn’t promote him or demote him. They were just like, “Ah…” That was their official corporate statement. Like, “Ah…” Be funny if a corporation really stood by one of their controversial artists or spokesmen, like, uh… Like when Jared from Subway… [audience laughing] …got popped. You know what I mean? If Subway’d been like, “Yeah, he’s a pedophile but he lost the fucking weight.” [audience laughing] “We don’t know how he burned calories, that’s none of our business.” [audience laughing in disbelief] [scoffs] I’m a bad boy. [audience laughing] [scoffs] The problem with Joe’s podcast is it’s too long. The worst I’ve ever had to piss is every time I’ve done that podcast. Like, it’s amazing. It’s just insanely long. Of course he’s gonna say stuff incorrectly once in a while. You ever drive, like, a fouror five-hour drive, like Vegas? And by the third hour, you’re just grasping at straws. Like, “Would you have sex with Judge Judy? Be honest.” [audience laughing] “Like, for charity?” [audience laughing] I gotta say, it’s a weird time to be a comedian. Every time I pick my phone up, it’s like your friend’s in trouble. Like, “Did Joe Rogan abdicate his responsibility as a broadcaster?” “Did Dave Chappelle bring the tackling on himself with transgender talk?” I don’t know. This shit’s all so heavy. Like, I didn’t get into comedy to make grand moral judgments about my friends. Got into comedy to jerk off in front of unsuspecting women. [audience laughing] Now are you going to support me or not? [short-lived laughter] Did everyone get that one? [audience laughing] Another issue is, Joe just kept getting more and more mainstream. Like, if you had asked me in the year 2004 who the most consequential political figures in America would be in 2024, I would not have said the host of <i>The Apprentice</i> and the host of <i>Fear Factor.</i> Would not have said it. [audience laughing] But everything gets more mainstream. Mental health got way more mainstream. Very few people used to talk about it, and now it’s a true movement. ESPN’s always carrying on about how athletes need to have good mental health. And I want everyone to have great mental health. But, um… but not athletes. [audience laughing] Guys, we need our athletes to be total psychos. You don’t understand that? You know what I call an athlete with good mental health? An assistant coach is what I call them. [audience laughing] What documentary did we all watch about basketball during COVID? <i>Last Dance,</i> correct. Did Michael Jordan seem mentally healthy to you in the slightest? Giant mansion, one chair. [audience laughing] Here’s what we learned during <i>The Last Dance.</i> We learned that Michael Jordan’s hobby was basketball, but his passion was revenge. [audience laughing] It’s what fueled him. It’s what fuels all the greats. Settling scores and holding grudges. I was at a restaurant recently, and some little kid was crying. His dad was like, “Son, remember, the most important thing in life is to never take anything personally.” I slid in and said, “Unless you want to be the greatest basketball player ever.” [audience laughing] “So do you want to make $150 million every year in passive income off a picture of you jumping from 1985, and even just based on the silhouette of you jumping, we can tell what an absolute sociopath you are, and we want that shit on our shirt and our shoes, and Mexican dudes want it on the back of their pickup trucks for some reason.” [audience laughing] No one knows why. Right side of the glass, white Jordan logo. Let the anthropologists figure it out, guys. No one knows. Yeah, if they’re great at sports, they’re out of their minds. Tom Brady, not well. [audience laughing] Did you see him try to play toward the end? Whenever he’d try to run, he looked like he was on the toilet and he left his phone in the other room. [audience laughing] Tom Brady tried to retire, made it like ten days. Finally, he was like… [in raspy voice] “I don’t know these fucking kids.” [audience laughing] They were like, “Dad, come outside and throw the ball?” He was like, “With you guys? No.” [audience laughing] The greatest athlete in any sport is the craziest. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps has 23 gold medals in the Olympics. You know what second place of all time is? Eight. He should be in a padded cell. He’s always been pretty open about having depression, right? Which didn’t surprise me at all ’cause when he first came back from the Olympics, he had, like, a few gold medals, and then someone took a picture of him smoking weed, and then he got busted for a DUI. People were like, “I’m worried about Phelps.” I was like, “I’m not. This maniac’s right on time.” [audience laughing] “That’s just a boy who loves his country.” [audience laughing] By the way, it’s not just male athletes. It’s female too. Like those little gymnastics girls? That shit should be against the law. The events are insane! It’s like, “All right, you’re going to come charging down this runway, you have bare feet, and then wear, like, a bathing suit with, like, bedazzled.” “And, uh… And then you’re going to get to the end of the runway.” “We put a trampoline down there, right?” “And then someone left a table. So, you gotta…” “By the way, you’re 11, right?” [audience laughing] “You better stick the landing, you little bitch.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] They don’t even sound like sporting events. They sound like <i>Jackass</i> stunts that they let them practice in advance. Like, “I’m Johnny Knoxville. This is a balance beam.” [vocalizes] Do those figure skater girls look like they’re having a good time? Not to me. They look like they’re struggling, right? Whenever they do those figure skating events, it looks like it’s the first day the girls have been allowed to wear makeup, and they have no idea what they’re doing. Where they’re like, “Okay, doll, doll, doll.” “Doll, doll, doll.” “Shock, horror.” [audience laughing] And the events, again, are insane. They’re spinning, and then they start spinning so fast that they turn into a hologram of themselves. Like… [audience laughing] They have to stick the landing and act like they didn’t just travel through time. [audience laughing] And then they finish, and they have to go sit in the booth with their kidnappers. Where they… [audience laughing] Holding flowers that someone picked up from the freeway. “I go now? Yes, I’m free to go?” Last Olympics, I… I just called the FBI. Like, “Are you missing any girls?” “‘Cause they’re ice skating.” The best athlete is generally the craziest athlete. Kyrie Irving. One of the best guards ever, right? And then about five years ago, he said the Earth was flat. Then he wouldn’t take the vaccine, so he couldn’t play, and then he promoted an anti-Semitic video. Like, “I knew he was good. I didn’t know he was this good! My God.” [audience laughing] “This kid’s fucking around with GOAT status. Shit.” Every sport, the best person in it is the craziest. Oscar Pistorius. Remember Oscar Pistorius? Paralympian. Then someone said, “Can you believe Oscar Pistorius murdered his girlfriend?” I was like, “He’s a sprinter with no legs.” [audience laughing] “I believe he can do anything.” [audience laughing] Dennis Rodman. One of the greatest rebounders, then he retired. Someone’s like, “You want to be friends with Kim Jong-un?” He’s like, “You know I do.” [audience laughing] Lance Armstrong. I don’t even consider Lance Armstrong an athlete. I consider Lance Armstrong a criminal who found a bike. [audience laughing] Imagine the worst lie you’ve ever told, now imagine selling bracelets about it. [audience laughing] Respect, sir. Respect. And then of course the biggest maniac any of us have ever seen in our entire lives, Tiger Woods. Did you see that documentary? It was called <i>Tiger,</i> but they should have called it <i>Golfin’ and Fuckin’.</i> [audience laughing] ‘Cause that’s all that kid was doing was golfin’ and fuckin’, golfin’ and fuckin’. They caught him fuckin’ and were like, “You gotta stop fucking.” He’s like, “All right, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to be worse at golf.” [audience laughing] And he was! [audience laughing] He knew the formula. It’s golfin’ and fuckin’. It’s not golfin’ and raising a family. Ugh! Ugh! Literally, ugh! I knew Tiger was a real one. Twenty years ago, I saw him at some event. And he’s walking along with bodyguards. Not big bodyguards either. Not burly dudes, like little white dudes with black turtlenecks on, like real… real dangerous people. So they’re walking along, and some little British guy comes running out from nowhere, and he goes, “Tiger!” And, uh, the security guards just immediately put the clamps on him. This is how I knew Tiger was a real one, ’cause the guy went, “Tiger, help.” [audience laughing] Tiger didn’t even break stride. He was like, “That’s neither golfing nor fucking.” [audience laughing] “So I should keep it moving.” Do your best with the mental health stuff. Therapy, medication, whatever. Just know that if you don’t get there, some of the greatest things that have ever happened on Earth were created by psychopaths and drug addicts. Like every invention, psychopaths and drug addicts. Like Sigmund Freud, the guy invented therapy, right? Open cokehead. Would write about it in his books. Most of Freud’s books should be called <i>This May Be the Cocaine Talking.</i> Like… [audience laughing] They’re insanely cokey ideas. You can hear it. Like… [sniffs] “Okay. What else?” Uh… [audience laughing] “Okay, come on, what are we doing? I… think women are jealous of our dicks.” “Yeah, they are. That’s good. Yep, yep, yep!” [knocking] “Yep, yep, yep, yep.” “What else? What else? Uh… I think every guy wants to fuck his mom.” “Oh, yeah, he does.” “That might be the hottest shit you ever wrote, boy.” [audience laughing] Listen to me. No cocaine, no therapy. The guy popularized therapy because of coke! And it makes sense, ’cause therapy is an extremely cokey idea. Like, “Just come into the office and fucking just tell me everything.” “Tell me about your mom and your dad and your dreams at night.” After an hour, he’s like, “Hey, get the fuck outta here!” [audience laughing] [whooping] [inaudible] “Come back in exactly a week.” [audience laughing] I’m telling you, psychopaths and drug addicts. Thomas Edison did coke. The Wright brothers worked in a bike shop. I don’t know about you, but anyone I’ve ever met who worked in a bike shop could get me meth <i>today.</i> [audience laughing] I don’t know if they really did meth, but I will say they had the methiest idea ever, like, “Hey, do you fucking feel like you can fly?” And they go, “Meet me at the beach.” [mimics airplane engine] Psychopaths and drug addicts, even the… even the modern inventors. Elon Musk. People don’t like Elon Musk. The guy founded PayPal and Tesla. People are like, “But he’s a troll and a bad dad.” I’m like, “So is mine. He did nothing to fight climate change.” [audience laughing] Also, have you been in a Tesla? Have you been in a Tesla? My buddy let me drive his Tesla. I laughed out loud at how fast it went. Been clinically depressed my entire life, on dozens of medications. In a Tesla for 13 seconds, cured forever. [audience laughing] He’s another one who I knew he was a real one, a long time ago. He came to the Comedy Store one night, right? And, uh… there was… You know, room shaped like this. He sat in the corner, never faced the stage once. Live your life, you fucking maniac. Just getting his Amadeus on in the corner, like, “Aah.” Fantastic. Just a touch of Asperger’s, guys. Just a touch. [audience laughing] Bill Gates got caught cheating on his wife via email. [audience laughing] Dude, you invented email! [audience laughing] Psychopaths and drug addicts. Most culture is from psychopaths and drug addicts. Music, there’s a zillion stories from rock and roll about drugs, right? I read Keith Richards’ autobiography. This is how drugged out they were. So the Stones had so many drug charges, that in order to tour in America, they had to hire a doctor to travel with them and test them for drugs every day. The doctor lasted six weeks before, you guessed it, he got hooked on cocaine. Whoops! [audience laughing] The vampire hunter got bit. [audience laughing] Rock’s insane like that, psychopaths and drug addicts. Hip-hop. [makes parrot-like sound] [audience laughing] [parrot-like sound] You ever know a not-fucked-up person make either one of those noises? You ever call your mom, like, “Happy Sunday, Mom.” She’s like… [makes parrot-like sound] [audience laughing] Snoop Dogg, one of the greatest entertainers of all time, a hip-hop legend, and he’s so fucked up, that at a certain point, he just started talking in fizzle-jizzle language. We all accepted it. Like, “Should we get him to hospital?” “No, let’s go to the studio. See what he can do.” [audience laughing] Snoop may have no idea what’s happening. Like, “Fizzle jizzle wizzle bizzle.” “Bow wow wow, fizzle jizzle bizzle wizzle.” “Skechers, I’d love to endorse Skechers. Bow wow wow fizzle.” “Martha Stewart! I should do several shows with her.” Meanwhile, he thinks it’s <i>Ellen.</i> He’s gone. [audience laughing] Kendrick Lamar. True genius, right? Sing along if you know the words where he says… <i>♪ If Pirus and Crips all got along ♪</i> <i>♪ They’d probably gun me down By the end of this song ♪</i> <i>♪ Feels like the whole city go against me Every time I’m in the street, I hear… ♪</i> <i>♪ Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk ♪</i> <i>♪ Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk ♪</i> You can’t get to<i>, “</i>Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk” sober. You cannot get there, guys. You could be in a marina, walk past four yachts, and you’re not gonna think, “Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk.” [audience laughing] And he has a well-deserved Pulitzer Prize. [audience laughing] [parrot-like sound] You may be thinking, “Neal, psychopaths and drug addicts?” “Are all comedians psychopaths and drug addicts?” So far, yep. [audience laughing] Let’s go down the list. George Carlin, drug addict. Richard Pryor, drug addict. Bill Cosby, choose-your-own-adventure. [audience laughing] Lenny Bruce, drug addict. Mitch Hedberg, drug addict. John Belushi, drug addict. John Mulaney told me to remind you he’s a drug addict. [audience laughing] Those are just the drug addicts that you know about. Then there’s the alcoholics we don’t have time for. So let’s do mental illness. Mark Twain, bipolar. Taylor Tomlinson, bipolar too. I’m depressed, Sarah’s depressed. Rodney Dangerfield was depressed. Joan Rivers was depressed. Howie Mandel has the worst case of OCD I’ve ever heard of. Chris Rock’s got nonverbal learning disability. Jim Jefferies… Um… [audience laughing and whooping] I don’t know what Bill Burr’s issue is, but he’s yelled at me every time I’ve seen him for 20 years straight. [audience laughing] It’s ’cause people that are good at something are optimized for that thing, and pretty much nothing else, right? You ever play a video game where you make the character and you have 100 points, and you gotta distribute it between dexterity and marksmanship and speed? That’s what God does, and sometimes he fucks up. Like when God was making Woody Allen… [audience] Whoa… …they were like, “God, how many points should we give him for comedy and filmmaking?” God’s like, “Fuck it, give him 100.” They were like, “That doesn’t leave any points for not fucking his family.” [audience laughing] And God was like, “How bad can it be?” Then 70 years later, an angel was like, “Did you see that documentary?” God was like, “Fuck!” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Yeah, like I’m good at this, and I’m not good at relationships. And I just realized why. I just realized why, like, recently. I’m not that good at relationships ’cause I’m preoccupied with this! I’ll be in a relationship with a woman, we’ll be having, like, normal relationship conversations. She’s being like, “Hey, I think this weekend we should go see my mom.” I’m like, “Religions should make attack ads on each other.” She’s like, “After that, we can go antiquing.” I’m like, “The sun is like the cops for white people.” She’ll say, “You’re not listening.” “Of course I’m listening.” “Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk.” Also, have you been in a relationship? They’re very difficult. Who’s in their twenties, by round of applause? [audience clapping] All right, so let me explain to you how your dating life’s gonna go. So you’re in your twenties, and you’re gonna start dating seriously, and you’re going to realize, like, “Oh, I have emotional problems.” In your thirties, you’re gonna be like, “I’m gonna solve my emotional problems.” In your forties, you’re gonna be like, “It’s a shame I never did solve… [audience laughing] …those emotional problems.” Don’t you wish we had more in common, men and women? I like those couples with one thing in common, and they’re seeing how far they can take it. Know what I mean? Like going into Comic-Con dressed as his-and-her orcs. I like the weightlifting couple walking around like spray-tanned apes everywhere they go. Like, “Come on, babe.” “Let’s go home and talk about chicken breast and broccoli again.” I want us to have more in common, I really do. Sometimes I’ll be on dating apps and I’ll cover up women’s photos to see what their personality’s like. One girl’s bio, recently, was like, “I love SoulCycle and red wine and sunsets and rockin’ playlists.” And I thought, “If this was a guy, I would run him over with my car.” [audience laughing] Then I see it’s a beautiful woman, I’m like, “She may be the one.” [audience laughing] It’s just hard. Relationships are just hard. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m too preoccupied with this and it makes me petty. Let’s see. Uh, so I was in love with a woman and, uh, we were together for a while. We were in love, it was amazing. She had a trip planned to Singapore, and then Putin invades Ukraine. My girl calls me. “I’m really afraid this will affect my trip to Singapore.” And I was like, “It’s not gonna.” She was like, “No, everyone in Malibu is saying it’s gonna affect it.” I was like, “Babe, I think living near the beach like slows down your brain or something.” “Unless your flight is connecting through Kiev, like, I think you’re straight.” She was like, “I have to get off the phone now.” I go, “Why?” She goes, “Because you’re not supporting my fear.” Like, “I’ve never even heard of that.” She’s like, “I need you to support my fear.” I was like, “Okay, from here on out, I’ll try to support your fear.” So anyway, about eight days later, we’re in bed, and there’s a noise downstairs. My girl looks at me and goes, “I’m scared.” And I looked at her and I said, “You should be.” [audience laughing] “‘Cause he sounds big, and I bet he doesn’t want to have sex with me at all.” [audience laughing] “Do you feel the support? There’s so much support.” [chuckles] There’s just a lot of obstacles to relationships. Like, we can’t talk directly about sex. We can’t be like, “Sex? Sex? Sex?” You just have to get together and hint at it for like six hours. You’re just like… [giggles maliciously] “I just like paying for stuff. I don’t know what it is.” [giggles] [audience laughing] It’s so dumb that we can’t talk about the most important thing to our species. If I’m with my buddy and I want to eat, I go, “Hey, you want to go to lunch?” I don’t take a spoon out of my pocket and be like… [audience laughing] “What’s it remind you of?” [audience laughing] And then we have sex, and we understand that your orgasms are a little nonlinear, right? But fellas, I’ve… I’ve figured something out about women. Trying to make a woman have an orgasm is like ordering an Uber, right? ‘Cause you open the app, and you hit the button, and you go, “All right, it’s coming in seven minutes.” [audience laughing] A couple minutes pass, “Great, it’s coming in two minutes.” “I can see the little car. That’s good.” Some more time passes, you’re like, “It’s coming in five minutes?” [audience laughing] “Why is that car spinning around like that?” [audience laughing] “Wait a minute. Ride canceled?” [audience laughing] “I hope this doesn’t affect my rating.” [audience laughing] But it will. [chuckles] Yeah. I don’t want to complain about women’s orgasms. I mean, women are so empathetic, it’s incredible. It’s incredible. Like, women are so empathetic that they’ll be empathetic when we’re orgasming. Like, guys’ll be having our, like, “Don’t tase me, bro.” [audience laughing] “I’m not resisting,” like… And women are so empathetic that they’ll shake along with us. Where they’re like, “I don’t want you to be alone during your time of seizure.” [audience laughing] Whereas I’m the total opposite. If a woman’s on top having an orgasm, I’m like, “Neal, don’t you fucking move a muscle.” [audience laughing] Like there’s a grizzly bear in the room. “Don’t even make eye contact.” “Let her take what she needs to take.” [audience laughing] It’s my… my turn? “Aah…” [audience laughing] [chuckles] All right, we gotta get out of here. Think of the best sex compliment you’ve ever gotten. I’m pretty sure I can beat it. This is the best compliment I’ve ever gotten about anything, just FYI. A woman said, “Neal, you fuck like you’re poor.” [audience laughing and clapping] The problem was, after that, whenever she would text me to come over, I’d have to get in, like, a poor mindset. So I’d, like, take the bus to her house. I’d do scratch-offs the whole way there. Calling my friends on Cricket Wireless. You get it. I’d also like to say it’s sex, so I’m not consistent, right? Sometimes I fuck like I’m poor, and other times, I fuck like my grandfather left me quite a bit of money. [audience laughing] [chuckles] That’s… And I also I get another sex compliment. And ladies, let’s turn this into a teaching opportunity. A woman said, “Neal, you know what’s great about you?” “When I tell you I’m gonna have an orgasm, you keep on doing what you were doing.” [women cheering and applauding] A lot of the guys have no idea why you’re applauding. [audience laughing] Fellas, keep on doing what you were doing. Same angle, same rhythm, same force. [women cheering] Keep on doing what you were doing. Same angle, same rhythm, same force. Women will say, “I’m gonna have an orgasm,” and the guy will say, “Now’s a good time for the corkscrew.” Dummy! [audience laughing] Keep on doing what you were doing! Same angle, same rhythm, same force. “Neal, how am I gonna remember that?” ARF. [audience laughing] Do you guys want to fuck poor or not? [audience laughing] ‘Sup, guys. Want to learn how to fuck poor? [audience laughing] All right, I gotta go. Thank you so much, you guys. [closing music playing] [audience cheering] | [Neal] So if you’re watching this ’cause you saw my other Netflix specials and I talked about having depression and you wanted to support a fellow traveler, I have some terrible news. I feel pretty great. [audience cheering] It’s hard to know how to start these specials, so I’ve been trying to incorporate AI. [audience laughing] So… So every day, I go on that ChatGPT and I type in, “opening line for a comedy show.” Anyhow, tonight’s opening line is… “Good evening, pussies.” [audience laughing] Isn’t that weird? That’s a trillion dollars in deep learning. It’s every book ever published, every speech. That’s what they gave me. I was like, “Are you sure?” “Say it, pussy.” I was like, “Okay.” [audience laughing] So what kind of people are you? Are you crypto people? Yeah, I’m sitting crypto out, and maybe I’m blowing it. People go, “Where are you putting your money?” The bank. Shut up. [audience laughing] I’ve just… I’ve never rooted against a currency before, you know what I mean? I’ve never been like, “Fuck pesos!” I don’t… [audience laughing] My issue with crypto is everyone who told me about crypto had never spoken about finances before, ever. It’s like, “Weren’t you a DJ three weeks ago?” “Why are you telling me?” I was talking to my buddy. He’s like, “Bro, you’ll make sick returns.” I was like, “Never speak to me this way about money.” Social media makes everybody think they have to be cool. Certain people, I don’t want cool. I don’t want a cool finance guy, I don’t want a cool lawyer, I don’t want a cool doctor. I don’t want my doctor to be like, “Bro, I saw your X-rays.” “They were so sketch.” Like, I don’t want… [audience laughing] I have important things in my life. You know who I want in charge of ’em? Dorks. Here’s who I want in charge of my important things. Oily skin, bad clothing, no eye contact. Just a touch of Asperger’s. Just a touch. [audience laughing] Salt Bae, but it’s Asperger’s. [audience laughing] But I get why… why guys fell for crypto. And let’s be clear, it was all guys. [audience laughing] Women don’t take financial risks, women take emotional risks. Women will be like, “No, I didn’t invest in Bitcoin, but I am dating a drummer.” [audience laughing] “He’s basically separated.” [audience laughing] [scoffs] Yeah, the guys fell for crypto on social media, ’cause there are these dudes on the guys’ algorithm, uh, that are like hustle-preneurs. They’re all about grinding and hustling, and they’re, like, personal trainers. I call ’em “the clappers” ’cause they start all their posts like this. [claps] ‘Sup, guys? [audience laughing] Hey, if you’re under 30, I just have to let you know, no one’s ever clapped and said anything great in the history of the Earth. JFK wasn’t like… “Ask not what your country can do for you.” Martin Luther King wasn’t like… “I had a dream, my guy.” [audience laughing] “Please like and subscribe.” [audience laughing] “To hear more about my dreams, support my Patreon.” I was following one of these clapper dudes, right? I was hate-following. It doesn’t make a difference, but, uh… They all think they’re like werewolves. They’re like, “I guess I’m just built different.” Um… [audience laughing] They always have, like, this special system that doesn’t even make sense, where they’ll be like, “See, I got a millionaire mindset.” “I’ll let you in on something I’m doing. I just bought five used cars.” “I’m gassing them up myself, leasing them out to Uber drivers…” “I can’t lose money on this.” Then of course gas prices skyrocket. Next time I see the guy, he’s making a video from the gas station, “This system sucks.” Yeah, dumbass, ’cause ExxonMobil been on that… millionaire mindset… [audience laughing] …since 1881. So that’s… that’s guys’ social media. And then women’s social media, it’s just a lot of beautiful underdogs… [audience laughing] [scoffs] …that’s a part of something very dramatic. The entire world’s against them. They’ll be like, “When I began my journey…” They’re all on journeys. All of them are on journeys. They’re like, “When I began my journey, no one believed in me.” That’s what these girls don’t understand. It’s not that no one believes in you. No one gives a shit about anything anyone is doing but themselves. No one’s thinking about you, no one’s going to bed at night like, “You know who’ll never open a business? That bitch Jessica. Goodnight.” [snores] [audience laughing] Yeah. I’m on social media a lot, unfortunately. And I was dating a model. I was fo… I was following a model. And, uh… [audience laughing] Models love trying to normalize themselves. They’re like, “I know what it’s like to be a regular person, ’cause I went through an awkward phase in grade school.” So condescending. “I know what it’s like to be a regular person.” “I went through an awkward phase…” That’d be like me going up to an amputee and being like, “I know what you’re going through, pal, ’cause my foot falls asleep sometimes.” [audience laughing] “So I get it. Same-same, same-same, same-same.” Yeah, it’s all very pseudo-spiritual. A lot of talking about the ancestors. “We need to pray to the ancestors.” “We need to ask the ancestors for guidance.” If you’re Black, or Brown, or Indigenous, go ahead and pray to your ancestors. White people, do not pray to your ancestors under any circumstances. [audience laughing] All of my ancestors were toothless, Irish, illiterate alcoholic maniacs from a very different time who I cannot rely on for any guidance whatsoever. I could say, “I’m having a hard time with my girlfriend. What do I do?” Just be like, “Lock her in the shed!” [audience laughing] “Push her off a cliff and blame it on the wind.” [audience laughing] “It works every time.” “Boy-o.” Yeah, they love talking about the ancestors on the girls’ algorithm. And you know what word they love using? The T-word. [woman] Ugh. You know… Oh, she gets it. [audience laughing] You know what T-word I’m talking about. Trauma… [audience laughing] Aaah… I know you may be thinking, “Neal, it’s hypocritical of you to criticize women talking about trauma in public.” Yeah, good point. But when I talk about trauma, it’s different. It’s on Netflix, goddamn it. [audience laughing] Yeah, but again, some of these girls are full of shit. You know they are. This can’t all be trauma. Everything’s trauma to them. They’ll be like, “I had so much trauma today at Starbucks.” “I was literally shaking.” Well, you’re addicted to Adderall, so that checks out. [audience laughing] Also, ladies, if you can talk about it on social media, probably not trauma! Just letting you know. Trauma’s a physical thing. Physical thing. Not a vibe, a physical thing that happened to you that’s so jarring to your body and spirit that you don’t know how to process it, let alone post about it on social media with captions and music. [audience laughing] Like, a good example of trauma would be, uh… World War II. [audience laughing] Our great-grandfathers fought in World War II, never mentioned it once. They didn’t come back and be like, “So I was just in Germany.” [audience laughing] “It was not okay.” [audience laughing] “I stormed the beaches at Normandy, I literally died.” [audience laughing] “You guys, turns out, one of my triggers?” “Triggers.” [audience laughing] “Also, can I just say, kind of a controversial opinion, but Hitler? Toxic.” [audience laughing] It’s surprising, ’cause I did not see the trauma flexing coming. What’s even more surprising to me is that the culture of social media spread to people that aren’t even on it. I was talking to my buddy, he said, “You need to focus on gratitude.” I was like, “Goodbye.” [audience laughing] Another buddy was like, “You need to check your entitlement.” I was like, “I’m gonna call you right back.” You’re blocked forever. I’m not talking like this. I’m not doing this with my friends. He goes, “That’s what friends are for.” I was like, “No, that’s what grandparents are for.” I was talking to somebody today, and she’s like, “I think my kids are dumb, ’cause my husband’s dumb.” I was like, “Now, this is a friendship right here.” [audience laughing] You’re not really friends with somebody unless you’re both worried that if your text messages went public, you’d both lose your jobs. That is a friendship, and you cherish it and you nurture it, and you should encrypt it, probably. [audience laughing] By the way, don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those people who’s like, “This country’s going to hell in a handbasket.” “Things used to be better.” No, a lot of stuff is better now than it was before. My brothers and sisters, I’m the youngest of ten, they would always bring up TV ratings as like a barometer of how well the country was doing. They’d be like, “You know, 50 million people used to watch <i>Cheers</i> or <i>M*A*S*H</i> or <i>All in the Family.”</i> Yet the reason 50 million people watched <i>All in the Family</i> is ’cause there was nothing else to do. You’d either watch <i>All In the Family</i> or go stand in the yard. There was nothing you could do. [audience laughing] Also, TV used… Are you out of your mind? TV’s never been better. It never will be better. Like, you know it’s good TV because we binge-watch. That’s like a junkie word, you know what I mean? I didn’t even realize I was a binger till fairly recently. Like, I was watching <i>Stranger Things</i> and I’d watch, like, a bunch of episodes in a row, and then after the third one, like, that little pop-up window came on. Like “New episode in five, four, three…” And I was like, “Let’s go! I don’t have that kind of time.” “Let’s go, motherfucker!” [audience laughing] Skip intro! I don’t fucking need a recap. I just watched three episodes! Dude, you know who the fuck I am! [audience laughing] Things are better. We can solve murders now. They used to not be able to… All they had was just the fingerprint dust and they were stumped. All you had to do was wear gloves and you could murder three or four nights a week, if you wanted to. Here’s how easy it was to murder. Murderers used to write letters to the newspaper for fun! [audience laughing] Like, “Dear Paper, it’s me, the murderer.” “Things are getting a little boring, so here’s a clue.” “What has four legs and loves dinner? A table. See you at the next murder.” [audience laughing] And they’d still get away with it! The Zodiac wrote a dozen letters to the paper, and they were just like, “This guy is some kind of mastermind.” “He must have worn mittens or something. I don’t know how he’s doing this.” Things are better now. People over 40, back me up on this. Back me up on how sloppy and disorganized the world used to be. Remember when sunblock began? [audience laughing] Young people, there was no sunblock. There was suntan oil, and then the next week, they were like, “Hey, that was lube for cancer.” [audience laughing] “Block your whole thing.” White people were getting scorched, is my point. We were getting scorched. As a white person, you’d go outside. It was time to come back in when you were like, “Do you smell meat?” It was you. [audience laughing] And you know who doesn’t care? My Black friends. I try to tell my Black friends. I’m like, “Dude, I’ve gotten second-degree, bubbly burns.” White people get skin cancer 30 times more than Black people. My Black friends are like, “Neal, I’m having a hard time finding my passion for this.” [audience laughing] You know what I’m starting to realize? This is going to sound crazy. But if you think about it, the sun is basically the cops for white people. [audience laughing] Think about it. Following us around everywhere we go, fucking with us ’cause of the color of our skin, killing our cousins for no reason. And when I tell my Black friends the sun killed my cousin, they’re like, “What was he wearing?” I’m like, “Goddamn!” [applause and laughter] [Neal] Things are better. Depression and anxiety are worse, I’ll say that. And, uh, people blame social media, or at least try to. I don’t blame social media for anxiety and depression. You know what I blame? Documentaries. [audience laughing] Yeah, there’s too… We used to not know anything. It was great. Once documentaries came out, we started knowing shit, our lives got worse. Before documentaries, we’d say shit like, “Yeah, the whale wants to be at SeaWorld. Yeah!” [audience laughing] The five scariest words in the English language are, “Did you see that documentary?” [audience laughing] Whatever you’re doing is about to be ruined. I was eating with chopsticks. My buddy’s like, “Did you see the chopsticks documentary?” I’m like, “Why? Are they bad for the environment?” “Worse than we thought, pandas are using them to stab each other.” I’m like, “Goddamn it.” Gotta be careful which ones you watch. I’m vegan ’cause I watched the wrong goddamn documentary. A buddy of mine sent me a trailer, like, “You gotta watch this.” I go, “What’s it about?” He goes, “It’s a documentary about how all toothpaste is toxic.” Like, “Fuck that. I’m not watching that.” [audience laughing] I just spent $180 at Costco to get enough toothpaste to last five generations of my family. I’m not throwing it away ’cause some dickhead’s like, “My toothpaste journey will shock you.” [audience laughing] I was watching a documentary recently about advertising. Do you know that they can’t advertise religion in a lot of countries? I don’t know, we’re saturated in them. I don’t think they work. I’ve never been like, “Latter-day Saints, tell me more.” Like… I don’t think they <i>couldn’t</i> work. I just think they don’t work as currently constructed. All right, here’s how I think they should make religious commercials that’d work. You know those… those, uh, political campaign attack ads, right? During election season, there’ll be those commercials, it’s like black-and-white footage and an ominous voice-over. Like, “Steve Jones is a total piece of shit.” [audience laughing] But for LA, last election for mayor, it got insane. They were like, “Rick Caruso wants to make homeless people sex workers.” “What?!” [audience laughing] “I’m listening, go on.” [audience laughing] Here’s what I think they should do. I think that’s what religions should do. Make attack ads on each other for like a month, and then we vote. [audience laughing] And again, this is… We’re not in the best, you know, climate for religious stuff, but I think we can… we can get through this joke. [audience laughing] You know what I mean? Week one, Jewish people make an attack ad on Christians. Wait for it. [in upbeat voice] Christianity only has two holidays a year. Judaism has tons of holidays. Sometimes we make them up the day before. If anyone questions us, we’ll just say they’re being anti-Semitic. [audience laughing] Plus, the god at the center of Christianity, Jesus Christ, was Jewish! Why pray to a Jew when you can be one? [audience laughing] This message was paid for by Judaism but honestly we didn’t pay, because we run the network. [audience laughing] [audience clapping] It’s not a huge applause break, but you know. [audience laughing] [chuckles] Also, if you’re mad that Jewish people run TV networks, they invented them. They started the movie business, then the radio business, then the TV business. It’s kinda theirs to run. That would be like complaining, “The Italians run salami!” [audience laughing] Week two… Catholics make an attack ad on Muslims. Hear me out. I wrote this joke three months ago, different world. [audience laughing] [chuckles] [in upbeat voice] Muslims have to pray five times a day. Catholics only have to pray when it’s super important. [audience laughing] Like when they take an STD test. [audience laughing] Plus, Muslims make women wear burkas that cover up their whole bodies. Catholicism would never do that. We teach women shame the old-fashioned way, psychologically. [audience laughing] Plus, Islam forbids alcohol. Catholicism serves that shit at mass. Catholicism, we’ll bring a little booze, you bring the little boys. [audience laughing] [chuckles] [chuckling] Here we go. Yeah. Atheism could win, right? The election. A lot of atheists here, right? Like, you know, I used to be an atheist, and then I kept drinking ayahuasca, and that changed. God came and got me. Uh… I could make a hot-ass atheism commercial. I just need like 15 seconds. Black screen, white type. You’re liberal. You’re vegan. You recycle. You believe in diversity, equity, and inclusion. Come on! You already think you’re better than everyone. Finish the job! Atheism. [audience laughing] Speaking of religion, did you see the Dalai Lama got in trouble a few months ago? If you don’t know the story, the Dalai Lama, like, made out with, like, an eight-year-old. I didn’t know he was Catholic. Did you know he was Catholic? [audience laughing] People get upset when an important religious figure falls like that. I didn’t feel upset at all. I felt, like, liberated. I feel like if the Dalai Lama’s a pedophile, we can probably litter. You know what I mean? [audience laughing] But I get why people are upset about the Dalai Lama. People need leaders, and a lot of leaders are just worse than they’ve ever been. You know, religious leaders are bad, corporate leaders are bad, political leaders seem pretty bad. Doesn’t 91 indictments seem like a lot? Just hypothetically. Trump got found guilty of sexual assault. Basically rape. We’re all so numb to it that we’re just like, “Put it on our tab.” “We don’t understand what’s happening to our country.” I’ve totally accepted that Trump may still win, right? Totally accepted. As far as I’m concerned, the next president is either gonna be Trump from prison or Biden from hospice. That’s just what it’s gonna be. He’s found guilty of rape, basically. Isn’t that insane? And I know rape’s a tough thing to bring up at a comedy show. It’s like the Holocaust or slavery. If you bring it up, do you trivialize it in a bad way, or do you reduce it in a good way? Let’s try to reduce rape in a good way. Ready? I think we can do it. We never joke about rape ’cause it’s the worst thing you can do to somebody except murder, and we joke about murder constantly. Dude, if you come to my show and sit in the front row with your girl, I’m gonna kill you. If you wear a beanie to my show, I’m gonna murder you on sight. I couldn’t have substituted “rape” in either one of those. [audience laughing] Your dad is never gonna call you and be like, “If you’re late for Mom’s birthday, I’m gonna rape you.” It’s never gonna happen. [audience laughing] Every movie’s got kill, death, murder in the title, in the plot. You’re never going to see a trailer for <i>John Wick 5,</i> like, “They raped his dog.” [audience laughing] “And now one by one, he has to rape them back.” I loved <i>Kill Bill.</i> Did anybody see <i>Rape Bill?</i> I don’t remember. James Bond, <i>License to Rape.</i> Who was that? Was that Daniel Craig? Remember that great song “Raping Them Softly”? My friend said I probably shouldn’t do that joke. Eh. I was like, “How come?” She goes, “‘Cause I think rape is worse than murder.” I was like, “I know a lot of people that are recovering from rape.” “I don’t know anyone who’s recovered from murder.” All right, one guy, 2,000 years ago, Jesus Christ, and people will not shut the fuck up about it. He was dead, then he was like, “Psych! Look familiar, motherfucker? Yeah!” “Should have raped me.” [audience laughing] Look, I probably shouldn’t do that joke, but unfortunately, it rapes. [audience laughing and clapping] I may have lost you on that. That’s a new thing where, because so many political and religious and corporate leaders and journalists have all sort of fallen, so now, comedians are held to this incredibly high standard. It’s so weird. It’s so weird! Like, remember when everybody was walking around going, “Is Ellen nice?” Is Ellen DeGeneres nice? Ellen’s one of the funniest people alive. That’s A. B, she’s a gay rights icon. Came out on TV in the ’90s, got kicked off TV for being gay, comes back six years later, dominates. It’s an amazing story, but it’s not enough for people. They’re like, “Yeah, but is she nice?” It’s so childish. It’s like being like, “Is my car also a boat?” Just appreciate that you have a car, you baby. Also, “Is Ellen nice?” How many nice lesbians have you ever met in your entire life? [audience laughing] They’re never mean, but they’re never bubbly. They’re like public defenders. Like, “We’re going to get you out of here.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] I had a handyman doing work at my house. Not like he was “my handyman,” I got him off Craigslist, and he just wasn’t that handy. After a few times coming to my house, he was like, “You know Kevin Hart?” I was like, “I know Kevin a little bit.” He goes, “Is he humble?” [audience laughing] I was like, “Jeremy, you’re a handyman, you’re not humble.” [audience laughing] Why does Kevin have to be? What you’re asking is, “Hey, Neal, is that 5’3″ billionaire humble?” “What do you think, Jeremy?” How humble do you think Kevin Hart is on a scale from Napoleon to Tom Cruise? [audience laughing] “Where do you put little Kevin there in terms of raw humility?” Comedians get in trouble all the time for talking about transgender rights. How corrupt is the rest of society that we’re talking about a serious issue, people go, “What do the clowns think?” Why are you bringing this up? “Has anyone asked the clowns about it?” [audience laughing] I will say, I have a pretty controversial, uh, transgender opinion. You ready? I don’t think about them that much. [audience laughing] [man hooting] “Neal, are you a bigot?” Nope, just busy. [audience laughing] I think about transgender people about as much as I think about left-handed Filipino people. [audience laughing] I’m not mad at them. I hope they get everything they need. If I meet one and they want to shake with their left hand, I won’t say, “Right hands only! I don’t recognize that hand as a hand.” [audience laughing] Joe Rogan gets in trouble all the time. Joe Rogan, known him 30 years. Great dude, nice dude, funny dude, always been nice to me. He got in trouble during COVID because he had on anti-vax people, and when you’re talking in public about medicine and science, you should hit them back with facts, whereas Joe was just like, [in dizzy voice] “That’s interesting.” Um… He got in trouble and then people were boycotting Spotify, and then Spotify didn’t promote him or demote him. They were just like, “Ah…” That was their official corporate statement. Like, “Ah…” Be funny if a corporation really stood by one of their controversial artists or spokesmen, like, uh… Like when Jared from Subway… [audience laughing] …got popped. You know what I mean? If Subway’d been like, “Yeah, he’s a pedophile but he lost the fucking weight.” [audience laughing] “We don’t know how he burned calories, that’s none of our business.” [audience laughing in disbelief] [scoffs] I’m a bad boy. [audience laughing] [scoffs] The problem with Joe’s podcast is it’s too long. The worst I’ve ever had to piss is every time I’ve done that podcast. Like, it’s amazing. It’s just insanely long. Of course he’s gonna say stuff incorrectly once in a while. You ever drive, like, a fouror five-hour drive, like Vegas? And by the third hour, you’re just grasping at straws. Like, “Would you have sex with Judge Judy? Be honest.” [audience laughing] “Like, for charity?” [audience laughing] I gotta say, it’s a weird time to be a comedian. Every time I pick my phone up, it’s like your friend’s in trouble. Like, “Did Joe Rogan abdicate his responsibility as a broadcaster?” “Did Dave Chappelle bring the tackling on himself with transgender talk?” I don’t know. This shit’s all so heavy. Like, I didn’t get into comedy to make grand moral judgments about my friends. Got into comedy to jerk off in front of unsuspecting women. [audience laughing] Now are you going to support me or not? [short-lived laughter] Did everyone get that one? [audience laughing] Another issue is, Joe just kept getting more and more mainstream. Like, if you had asked me in the year 2004 who the most consequential political figures in America would be in 2024, I would not have said the host of <i>The Apprentice</i> and the host of <i>Fear Factor.</i> Would not have said it. [audience laughing] But everything gets more mainstream. Mental health got way more mainstream. Very few people used to talk about it, and now it’s a true movement. ESPN’s always carrying on about how athletes need to have good mental health. And I want everyone to have great mental health. But, um… but not athletes. [audience laughing] Guys, we need our athletes to be total psychos. You don’t understand that? You know what I call an athlete with good mental health? An assistant coach is what I call them. [audience laughing] What documentary did we all watch about basketball during COVID? <i>Last Dance,</i> correct. Did Michael Jordan seem mentally healthy to you in the slightest? Giant mansion, one chair. [audience laughing] Here’s what we learned during <i>The Last Dance.</i> We learned that Michael Jordan’s hobby was basketball, but his passion was revenge. [audience laughing] It’s what fueled him. It’s what fuels all the greats. Settling scores and holding grudges. I was at a restaurant recently, and some little kid was crying. His dad was like, “Son, remember, the most important thing in life is to never take anything personally.” I slid in and said, “Unless you want to be the greatest basketball player ever.” [audience laughing] “So do you want to make $150 million every year in passive income off a picture of you jumping from 1985, and even just based on the silhouette of you jumping, we can tell what an absolute sociopath you are, and we want that shit on our shirt and our shoes, and Mexican dudes want it on the back of their pickup trucks for some reason.” [audience laughing] No one knows why. Right side of the glass, white Jordan logo. Let the anthropologists figure it out, guys. No one knows. Yeah, if they’re great at sports, they’re out of their minds. Tom Brady, not well. [audience laughing] Did you see him try to play toward the end? Whenever he’d try to run, he looked like he was on the toilet and he left his phone in the other room. [audience laughing] Tom Brady tried to retire, made it like ten days. Finally, he was like… [in raspy voice] “I don’t know these fucking kids.” [audience laughing] They were like, “Dad, come outside and throw the ball?” He was like, “With you guys? No.” [audience laughing] The greatest athlete in any sport is the craziest. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps has 23 gold medals in the Olympics. You know what second place of all time is? Eight. He should be in a padded cell. He’s always been pretty open about having depression, right? Which didn’t surprise me at all ’cause when he first came back from the Olympics, he had, like, a few gold medals, and then someone took a picture of him smoking weed, and then he got busted for a DUI. People were like, “I’m worried about Phelps.” I was like, “I’m not. This maniac’s right on time.” [audience laughing] “That’s just a boy who loves his country.” [audience laughing] By the way, it’s not just male athletes. It’s female too. Like those little gymnastics girls? That shit should be against the law. The events are insane! It’s like, “All right, you’re going to come charging down this runway, you have bare feet, and then wear, like, a bathing suit with, like, bedazzled.” “And, uh… And then you’re going to get to the end of the runway.” “We put a trampoline down there, right?” “And then someone left a table. So, you gotta…” “By the way, you’re 11, right?” [audience laughing] “You better stick the landing, you little bitch.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] They don’t even sound like sporting events. They sound like <i>Jackass</i> stunts that they let them practice in advance. Like, “I’m Johnny Knoxville. This is a balance beam.” [vocalizes] Do those figure skater girls look like they’re having a good time? Not to me. They look like they’re struggling, right? Whenever they do those figure skating events, it looks like it’s the first day the girls have been allowed to wear makeup, and they have no idea what they’re doing. Where they’re like, “Okay, doll, doll, doll.” “Doll, doll, doll.” “Shock, horror.” [audience laughing] And the events, again, are insane. They’re spinning, and then they start spinning so fast that they turn into a hologram of themselves. Like… [audience laughing] They have to stick the landing and act like they didn’t just travel through time. [audience laughing] And then they finish, and they have to go sit in the booth with their kidnappers. Where they… [audience laughing] Holding flowers that someone picked up from the freeway. “I go now? Yes, I’m free to go?” Last Olympics, I… I just called the FBI. Like, “Are you missing any girls?” “‘Cause they’re ice skating.” The best athlete is generally the craziest athlete. Kyrie Irving. One of the best guards ever, right? And then about five years ago, he said the Earth was flat. Then he wouldn’t take the vaccine, so he couldn’t play, and then he promoted an anti-Semitic video. Like, “I knew he was good. I didn’t know he was this good! My God.” [audience laughing] “This kid’s fucking around with GOAT status. Shit.” Every sport, the best person in it is the craziest. Oscar Pistorius. Remember Oscar Pistorius? Paralympian. Then someone said, “Can you believe Oscar Pistorius murdered his girlfriend?” I was like, “He’s a sprinter with no legs.” [audience laughing] “I believe he can do anything.” [audience laughing] Dennis Rodman. One of the greatest rebounders, then he retired. Someone’s like, “You want to be friends with Kim Jong-un?” He’s like, “You know I do.” [audience laughing] Lance Armstrong. I don’t even consider Lance Armstrong an athlete. I consider Lance Armstrong a criminal who found a bike. [audience laughing] Imagine the worst lie you’ve ever told, now imagine selling bracelets about it. [audience laughing] Respect, sir. Respect. And then of course the biggest maniac any of us have ever seen in our entire lives, Tiger Woods. Did you see that documentary? It was called <i>Tiger,</i> but they should have called it <i>Golfin’ and Fuckin’.</i> [audience laughing] ‘Cause that’s all that kid was doing was golfin’ and fuckin’, golfin’ and fuckin’. They caught him fuckin’ and were like, “You gotta stop fucking.” He’s like, “All right, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to be worse at golf.” [audience laughing] And he was! [audience laughing] He knew the formula. It’s golfin’ and fuckin’. It’s not golfin’ and raising a family. Ugh! Ugh! Literally, ugh! I knew Tiger was a real one. Twenty years ago, I saw him at some event. And he’s walking along with bodyguards. Not big bodyguards either. Not burly dudes, like little white dudes with black turtlenecks on, like real… real dangerous people. So they’re walking along, and some little British guy comes running out from nowhere, and he goes, “Tiger!” And, uh, the security guards just immediately put the clamps on him. This is how I knew Tiger was a real one, ’cause the guy went, “Tiger, help.” [audience laughing] Tiger didn’t even break stride. He was like, “That’s neither golfing nor fucking.” [audience laughing] “So I should keep it moving.” Do your best with the mental health stuff. Therapy, medication, whatever. Just know that if you don’t get there, some of the greatest things that have ever happened on Earth were created by psychopaths and drug addicts. Like every invention, psychopaths and drug addicts. Like Sigmund Freud, the guy invented therapy, right? Open cokehead. Would write about it in his books. Most of Freud’s books should be called <i>This May Be the Cocaine Talking.</i> Like… [audience laughing] They’re insanely cokey ideas. You can hear it. Like… [sniffs] “Okay. What else?” Uh… [audience laughing] “Okay, come on, what are we doing? I… think women are jealous of our dicks.” “Yeah, they are. That’s good. Yep, yep, yep!” [knocking] “Yep, yep, yep, yep.” “What else? What else? Uh… I think every guy wants to fuck his mom.” “Oh, yeah, he does.” “That might be the hottest shit you ever wrote, boy.” [audience laughing] Listen to me. No cocaine, no therapy. The guy popularized therapy because of coke! And it makes sense, ’cause therapy is an extremely cokey idea. Like, “Just come into the office and fucking just tell me everything.” “Tell me about your mom and your dad and your dreams at night.” After an hour, he’s like, “Hey, get the fuck outta here!” [audience laughing] [whooping] [inaudible] “Come back in exactly a week.” [audience laughing] I’m telling you, psychopaths and drug addicts. Thomas Edison did coke. The Wright brothers worked in a bike shop. I don’t know about you, but anyone I’ve ever met who worked in a bike shop could get me meth <i>today.</i> [audience laughing] I don’t know if they really did meth, but I will say they had the methiest idea ever, like, “Hey, do you fucking feel like you can fly?” And they go, “Meet me at the beach.” [mimics airplane engine] Psychopaths and drug addicts, even the… even the modern inventors. Elon Musk. People don’t like Elon Musk. The guy founded PayPal and Tesla. People are like, “But he’s a troll and a bad dad.” I’m like, “So is mine. He did nothing to fight climate change.” [audience laughing] Also, have you been in a Tesla? Have you been in a Tesla? My buddy let me drive his Tesla. I laughed out loud at how fast it went. Been clinically depressed my entire life, on dozens of medications. In a Tesla for 13 seconds, cured forever. [audience laughing] He’s another one who I knew he was a real one, a long time ago. He came to the Comedy Store one night, right? And, uh… there was… You know, room shaped like this. He sat in the corner, never faced the stage once. Live your life, you fucking maniac. Just getting his Amadeus on in the corner, like, “Aah.” Fantastic. Just a touch of Asperger’s, guys. Just a touch. [audience laughing] Bill Gates got caught cheating on his wife via email. [audience laughing] Dude, you invented email! [audience laughing] Psychopaths and drug addicts. Most culture is from psychopaths and drug addicts. Music, there’s a zillion stories from rock and roll about drugs, right? I read Keith Richards’ autobiography. This is how drugged out they were. So the Stones had so many drug charges, that in order to tour in America, they had to hire a doctor to travel with them and test them for drugs every day. The doctor lasted six weeks before, you guessed it, he got hooked on cocaine. Whoops! [audience laughing] The vampire hunter got bit. [audience laughing] Rock’s insane like that, psychopaths and drug addicts. Hip-hop. [makes parrot-like sound] [audience laughing] [parrot-like sound] You ever know a not-fucked-up person make either one of those noises? You ever call your mom, like, “Happy Sunday, Mom.” She’s like… [makes parrot-like sound] [audience laughing] Snoop Dogg, one of the greatest entertainers of all time, a hip-hop legend, and he’s so fucked up, that at a certain point, he just started talking in fizzle-jizzle language. We all accepted it. Like, “Should we get him to hospital?” “No, let’s go to the studio. See what he can do.” [audience laughing] Snoop may have no idea what’s happening. Like, “Fizzle jizzle wizzle bizzle.” “Bow wow wow, fizzle jizzle bizzle wizzle.” “Skechers, I’d love to endorse Skechers. Bow wow wow fizzle.” “Martha Stewart! I should do several shows with her.” Meanwhile, he thinks it’s <i>Ellen.</i> He’s gone. [audience laughing] Kendrick Lamar. True genius, right? Sing along if you know the words where he says… <i>♪ If Pirus and Crips all got along ♪</i> <i>♪ They’d probably gun me down By the end of this song ♪</i> <i>♪ Feels like the whole city go against me Every time I’m in the street, I hear… ♪</i> <i>♪ Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk ♪</i> <i>♪ Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk ♪</i> You can’t get to<i>, “</i>Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk” sober. You cannot get there, guys. You could be in a marina, walk past four yachts, and you’re not gonna think, “Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk.” [audience laughing] And he has a well-deserved Pulitzer Prize. [audience laughing] [parrot-like sound] You may be thinking, “Neal, psychopaths and drug addicts?” “Are all comedians psychopaths and drug addicts?” So far, yep. [audience laughing] Let’s go down the list. George Carlin, drug addict. Richard Pryor, drug addict. Bill Cosby, choose-your-own-adventure. [audience laughing] Lenny Bruce, drug addict. Mitch Hedberg, drug addict. John Belushi, drug addict. John Mulaney told me to remind you he’s a drug addict. [audience laughing] Those are just the drug addicts that you know about. Then there’s the alcoholics we don’t have time for. So let’s do mental illness. Mark Twain, bipolar. Taylor Tomlinson, bipolar too. I’m depressed, Sarah’s depressed. Rodney Dangerfield was depressed. Joan Rivers was depressed. Howie Mandel has the worst case of OCD I’ve ever heard of. Chris Rock’s got nonverbal learning disability. Jim Jefferies… Um… [audience laughing and whooping] I don’t know what Bill Burr’s issue is, but he’s yelled at me every time I’ve seen him for 20 years straight. [audience laughing] It’s ’cause people that are good at something are optimized for that thing, and pretty much nothing else, right? You ever play a video game where you make the character and you have 100 points, and you gotta distribute it between dexterity and marksmanship and speed? That’s what God does, and sometimes he fucks up. Like when God was making Woody Allen… [audience] Whoa… …they were like, “God, how many points should we give him for comedy and filmmaking?” God’s like, “Fuck it, give him 100.” They were like, “That doesn’t leave any points for not fucking his family.” [audience laughing] And God was like, “How bad can it be?” Then 70 years later, an angel was like, “Did you see that documentary?” God was like, “Fuck!” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Yeah, like I’m good at this, and I’m not good at relationships. And I just realized why. I just realized why, like, recently. I’m not that good at relationships ’cause I’m preoccupied with this! I’ll be in a relationship with a woman, we’ll be having, like, normal relationship conversations. She’s being like, “Hey, I think this weekend we should go see my mom.” I’m like, “Religions should make attack ads on each other.” She’s like, “After that, we can go antiquing.” I’m like, “The sun is like the cops for white people.” She’ll say, “You’re not listening.” “Of course I’m listening.” “Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk.” Also, have you been in a relationship? They’re very difficult. Who’s in their twenties, by round of applause? [audience clapping] All right, so let me explain to you how your dating life’s gonna go. So you’re in your twenties, and you’re gonna start dating seriously, and you’re going to realize, like, “Oh, I have emotional problems.” In your thirties, you’re gonna be like, “I’m gonna solve my emotional problems.” In your forties, you’re gonna be like, “It’s a shame I never did solve… [audience laughing] …those emotional problems.” Don’t you wish we had more in common, men and women? I like those couples with one thing in common, and they’re seeing how far they can take it. Know what I mean? Like going into Comic-Con dressed as his-and-her orcs. I like the weightlifting couple walking around like spray-tanned apes everywhere they go. Like, “Come on, babe.” “Let’s go home and talk about chicken breast and broccoli again.” I want us to have more in common, I really do. Sometimes I’ll be on dating apps and I’ll cover up women’s photos to see what their personality’s like. One girl’s bio, recently, was like, “I love SoulCycle and red wine and sunsets and rockin’ playlists.” And I thought, “If this was a guy, I would run him over with my car.” [audience laughing] Then I see it’s a beautiful woman, I’m like, “She may be the one.” [audience laughing] It’s just hard. Relationships are just hard. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m too preoccupied with this and it makes me petty. Let’s see. Uh, so I was in love with a woman and, uh, we were together for a while. We were in love, it was amazing. She had a trip planned to Singapore, and then Putin invades Ukraine. My girl calls me. “I’m really afraid this will affect my trip to Singapore.” And I was like, “It’s not gonna.” She was like, “No, everyone in Malibu is saying it’s gonna affect it.” I was like, “Babe, I think living near the beach like slows down your brain or something.” “Unless your flight is connecting through Kiev, like, I think you’re straight.” She was like, “I have to get off the phone now.” I go, “Why?” She goes, “Because you’re not supporting my fear.” Like, “I’ve never even heard of that.” She’s like, “I need you to support my fear.” I was like, “Okay, from here on out, I’ll try to support your fear.” So anyway, about eight days later, we’re in bed, and there’s a noise downstairs. My girl looks at me and goes, “I’m scared.” And I looked at her and I said, “You should be.” [audience laughing] “‘Cause he sounds big, and I bet he doesn’t want to have sex with me at all.” [audience laughing] “Do you feel the support? There’s so much support.” [chuckles] There’s just a lot of obstacles to relationships. Like, we can’t talk directly about sex. We can’t be like, “Sex? Sex? Sex?” You just have to get together and hint at it for like six hours. You’re just like… [giggles maliciously] “I just like paying for stuff. I don’t know what it is.” [giggles] [audience laughing] It’s so dumb that we can’t talk about the most important thing to our species. If I’m with my buddy and I want to eat, I go, “Hey, you want to go to lunch?” I don’t take a spoon out of my pocket and be like… [audience laughing] “What’s it remind you of?” [audience laughing] And then we have sex, and we understand that your orgasms are a little nonlinear, right? But fellas, I’ve… I’ve figured something out about women. Trying to make a woman have an orgasm is like ordering an Uber, right? ‘Cause you open the app, and you hit the button, and you go, “All right, it’s coming in seven minutes.” [audience laughing] A couple minutes pass, “Great, it’s coming in two minutes.” “I can see the little car. That’s good.” Some more time passes, you’re like, “It’s coming in five minutes?” [audience laughing] “Why is that car spinning around like that?” [audience laughing] “Wait a minute. Ride canceled?” [audience laughing] “I hope this doesn’t affect my rating.” [audience laughing] But it will. [chuckles] Yeah. I don’t want to complain about women’s orgasms. I mean, women are so empathetic, it’s incredible. It’s incredible. Like, women are so empathetic that they’ll be empathetic when we’re orgasming. Like, guys’ll be having our, like, “Don’t tase me, bro.” [audience laughing] “I’m not resisting,” like… And women are so empathetic that they’ll shake along with us. Where they’re like, “I don’t want you to be alone during your time of seizure.” [audience laughing] Whereas I’m the total opposite. If a woman’s on top having an orgasm, I’m like, “Neal, don’t you fucking move a muscle.” [audience laughing] Like there’s a grizzly bear in the room. “Don’t even make eye contact.” “Let her take what she needs to take.” [audience laughing] It’s my… my turn? “Aah…” [audience laughing] [chuckles] All right, we gotta get out of here. Think of the best sex compliment you’ve ever gotten. I’m pretty sure I can beat it. This is the best compliment I’ve ever gotten about anything, just FYI. A woman said, “Neal, you fuck like you’re poor.” [audience laughing and clapping] The problem was, after that, whenever she would text me to come over, I’d have to get in, like, a poor mindset. So I’d, like, take the bus to her house. I’d do scratch-offs the whole way there. Calling my friends on Cricket Wireless. You get it. I’d also like to say it’s sex, so I’m not consistent, right? Sometimes I fuck like I’m poor, and other times, I fuck like my grandfather left me quite a bit of money. [audience laughing] [chuckles] That’s… And I also I get another sex compliment. And ladies, let’s turn this into a teaching opportunity. A woman said, “Neal, you know what’s great about you?” “When I tell you I’m gonna have an orgasm, you keep on doing what you were doing.” [women cheering and applauding] A lot of the guys have no idea why you’re applauding. [audience laughing] Fellas, keep on doing what you were doing. Same angle, same rhythm, same force. [women cheering] Keep on doing what you were doing. Same angle, same rhythm, same force. Women will say, “I’m gonna have an orgasm,” and the guy will say, “Now’s a good time for the corkscrew.” Dummy! [audience laughing] Keep on doing what you were doing! Same angle, same rhythm, same force. “Neal, how am I gonna remember that?” ARF. [audience laughing] Do you guys want to fuck poor or not? [audience laughing] ‘Sup, guys. Want to learn how to fuck poor? [audience laughing] All right, I gotta go. Thank you so much, you guys. [closing music playing] [audience cheering] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-gaffigan-comedy-monster-transcript/ | Jim Gaffigan: Comedy Monster (2021) | Transcript | jim gaffigan | Thank you! Thank you! Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Aw, thank you so much. Thank you. Aw… That’s so nice. That almost makes me forget we’re all gonna be dead in a week. I’m kidding. It’ll probably be a month. Remember when we thought the pandemic was over? Everyone was so happy. “We did it!” We probably looked so stupid. Everyone was patting themselves on the back. “You know, I’m just glad I could help out the sick, by staying inside.” “It’s not over? Well, I’m not going back in.” “Those sick people have to die.” ‘Cause it’s not over. The pandemic is like a TV show you thought was canceled, and then it got picked up by Netflix. Oh… I didn’t really pace myself for another season. I don’t know about you, I wasn’t planning on seeing my family ever again. Parents know the feeling. It’s like changing that diaper in the middle of the night. You’re exhausted. It’s disgusting. But you have to do it. So you change the diaper, you finally get the sleeper back on, and as you gently lay the baby back in the crib, you hear the diaper fill up again. And that’s what the year 2021 is. Over and over. It’s just a diaper filling up over and over. I kind of miss the early days of the pandemic. Those were fun. Back when we thought washing our hands would protect us. “Everyone, wash your hands. We’ll be fine.” “Okay.” Remember before there were readily available tests, everyone had that friend that used to brag “Yeah, I already had COVID.” “I had it back in ’91.” “Yeah. Back then, it was called COVID-91.” “Had it a couple times. Got rid of it by washing my hands.” ‘Cause the symptoms were confusing. They’re still confusing. It’s like, “What are the symptoms?” “Everything.” “What do you mean, everything?” “Asking a question is a symptom.” “Well, that can’t be true.” “Denial is a major symptom.” Did you wipe down your groceries? I did that. It felt so silly. You know, like, “I’m just a normal guy cleaning a Triscuit box.” “Is this what OCD feels like?” Couple weeks later, you’re like, “Nah, they look clean to me.” “I cleaned ’em.” But you had to take the precautions. There was no uniformity. Everyone talked a big game, right? “Oh, we’re on lockdown.” “No work, no school, you know.” “We got our bubble.” “Bubble’s just my family and these two people we see at a weekly sex party.” “I figured, better safe than sorry.” ‘Cause we all went through the same pandemic, but we didn’t have the same experience, right? There were factors. Like, if you were 25 and healthy, you’re like, “Whatever. I’m going on a COVID cruise.” But if you were over the age of 25… And it may surprise you, but I am… …you watched the news more closely, right? The news guys would be like, “High-risk people are older.” You’re like, “Well, how old?” “Like old old, or didn’t-have-a-cellphone-in-high-school old?” Right? ‘Cause nobody thinks of themselves as old. The reality of your age just occasionally slaps you across the face. I did this benefit for a hospital. It was a fancy event. When I showed up, the woman running the event was like, “Oh, my gosh. We went to the same college.” She was younger, but we talked and we realized we hung out at the same places. At the end of the event, I was leaving and she ran up to me, she was like, “I need to know what year you graduated college.” I was like, “1988.” And she was like, “Oh, my gosh. That’s the year I was born.” Slap! Right across the face. I didn’t even know what to say. I was like, “Ah, that’s the year I was born too.” She looked at me like, “That’s not funny.” And then I got in my car and stuffed food in my mouth until I stopped feeling anything. Sometimes you had to decipher the news. Right? The newscaster would be like, “The vulnerable are older and people with comorbidities.” You’re like, “Co what?” “Comorbidity.” Which eventually we figured out was just code for, “All the fat asses are gonna die.” But they couldn’t say that on the news. They couldn’t have Sanjay Gupta be like, “Well, Anderson, all the fat asses are gonna die.” So they said comorbidities. And at home, we were like, “Honey, what is a comorb…” “I don’t know. Pass the gravy.” In time, we figured out they were talking about fat people. And if you were overweight, you were like, “How fat?” Or like, “Are we talking Walmart fat or Jim Gaffigan fat?” I got the message. I dunno, I totally got the message. I started working out. I started eating healthy. I was going good. Then one day I looked in the mirror and I was like, “Ah, enough of that.” Turns out, life or death, not the motivator you’d think it would be. “You could live longer.” “Not a good enough reason.” “Can you sweeten the deal, maybe throw in a pizza?” I tried. I tried. My wife bought me a scale, so the romance is still alive. I didn’t ask for it. She gave it to me as a gift. I could never do something like that. “Happy birthday, honey. I bought you a scale and some makeup.” “Just lookin’ out for you, sweetie.” It’s a high-tech scale. Comes with an app so the government can know how overweight I am. I don’t know why there’s an app. Maybe so I can be the victim of Ransomware. “Pay up or we’re telling everyone how fat you are.” “But I don’t have any crypto currency.” I set up the app, stood on the scale, my weight showed up on the phone, 150 pounds. All right, it was over 200. All right, it was way over 200. If it was an old-fashioned scale, you wouldn’t see the number 200. But it was in the 200 family. And underneath my weight, on the phone, there was this word in small red lettering. I didn’t have my glasses on so I asked my daughter. I was like, “What does that say?” She was like, “Obese.” Slap! Right across the face. I just looked at my daughter, I’m like, “Ah, I gotta update this app.” And then I ran to the kitchen and stuffed food in my mouth till I stopped feeling anything. Still wearing masks. There was that time when nobody had to wear a mask, right? That was a fun day. Remember the first time you went out in public without a mask? It was weird, right? You felt naked. You were like, “Oh, I’m so European.” “What is this, the French Riviera?” I was kind of tempted to wear, like, a thong mask. You know, something tasteful yet naughty. “I can see his cheeks, but there’s still a mystery.” “Ooh-la-la.” ♪ Round and pale and mostly balding ♪
♪ The boy from Indiana goes walking ♪
♪ And as he does All the people he pass go ♪
♪ “Yuck!” ♪ Initially, it was strange seeing other people’s faces without a mask. You wanted to go up to some people like, “You should stick with the mask.” “It’s a better look for you. You in a mask is better for everyone.” Did you meet anyone during the pandemic where you only knew them with a mask? And then when you finally saw them barefaced, you’re like, “Yikes.” You felt like you were catfished. You’re like, “Wow, your face doesn’t match your voice at all.” “And who stole your chin?” Of course, the biggest reveal of the pandemic was how many crazy people there are. That was a bit of a surprise. We all knew there were some Unabombers out there, but, nobody thought there were that many. Or that we were related to a couple of them. You know? ‘Cause everyone had that relative or friend that came out as bonkers. “I no longer believe in reality.” “Good to know.” It was like a gender reveal for insanity. “The truth is no longer true.” “See you at Thanksgiving.” I feel like it happened for me more often ’cause I’ve always had friends that are eccentric thinkers and they’re normally really entertaining. They’re like, “Bigfoot’s real, man. Bigfoot is real.” But that same person, at one point during the pandemic, was like, “Tom Hanks eats babies.” “Don’t say that.” “Tom Hanks does eat babies.” “And if you don’t believe that, then you eat babies.” “All right.” “Tom Hanks eats babies.” “He always seemed like a baby-eater to me.” The thing I missed most during the lockdown was restaurants. I know that’s a surprise. I didn’t even realize how much I missed restaurants ’til the first time I went out to eat and I caught myself catcalling other people’s food. “Oh, yeah.” “What I would do to you.” “Get me a fork and knife.” “Jim, you’re in public.” “Oh, sorry.” This is gonna kind of sound pandering, but I believe the pandemic has been hardest on mothers. Definitely hardest on mothers. Right? Or the men who had to live with those mothers. It was insane for… I don’t know how my wife did it. We had five children doing distance-learning. And my kids were good. They totally kept a distance from learning. We asked children to do school on the same device they play Minecraft. It’s like holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a Wendy’s. I mean, it was insane. I definitely gained an appreciation for how difficult it is to be a teacher. And what a poor career choice that was. Right? I guess it was, uh, after the first case of Scotch, I turned to my wife… …and I said, “When this is over, if there’s even an opening, I’ll take you wherever you wanna go. Wherever you wanna go.” My wife was like, “I want to go to Hawaii.” And I was like, “I was thinking more Tri-State area.” She was like, “I wanna go to Hawaii and I wanna bring the kids.” And I was like, “Whose kids?” She was like, “Our kids.” I did the research, saw that it was cheaper than a divorce, so we went to Hawaii. And… Hawaii is such a special place. It really is. It’s like there’s the “Aloha Spirit”, where people greet each other with “Aloha,” but I’m so awkward, so they’ll be like, “Aloha,” and I’ll be like, “Hello ha.” Does that mean something? That means… Even when I would use the Hawaiian terms properly, it would backfire. Like if I said, “Mahalo,” the natives would look at me like, “You don’t have to do that.” “Just nod your head and we’ll bring you pork.” ‘Cause I stuck out in Hawaii. I didn’t even look like a tourist. I looked like someone they brought in to make the tourists feel more comfortable. “You’re fine. You wanna see awkward, look at Jim Gaffigan.” Hawaii, it’s incomparable to any other state. It’s a tropical paradise. It’s almost like Hawaii was this Polynesian island nation that we just took over. You know what I mean? Like, it wasn’t even part of the United States. We just went in like it was an open house. “Nice. Nice.” “We could do our honeymoon here. We’ll take it.” The Hawaiians were like, “We’re our own country.” “That’s cute. I love your flower shirt. Gotta get one of them.” And Hawaiians will tell you, they’ll come right up to you. They’ll be, “You stole this land.” And I’m like, “Don’t know how to break it to you, but we stole all the land.” “Probably just stings a little more ’cause it’s pretty here.” “Believe me, there’s people in Detroit pissed at us.” My wife chose Hawaii because my wife loves the beach. And as you can see, so do I. I spent the entire time applying and re-applying sunscreen which, thankfully, makes my skin whiter. What cruel bastard decided that the goo that protects pale people from the sun should also make them look like White Walkers? It’s… it’s just cruel. They should offer other colors. “Cool. There’s one of the guys from Blue Man Group.” I don’t even know why sunscreen is white. What was the thinking? “Well, you know, those pale people love ranch dressing, so…” “…let’s keep it in their wheelhouse.” ‘Cause I don’t tan. I don’t kind of tan. There’s no medium rare for me. I either look like I’ve never been outside, or I was just released from a burn unit. There’s no in-between. And I know people go to the beach to relax. People find the beach very relaxing. Not so much for me. It’s like being allergic to bees and then, for vacation, becoming a beekeeper. My one goal was to just not burn. I didn’t want to be the sunburned adult. You see a kid with a sunburn, you’re like, “Parenting is hard.” You see an adult with a sunburn, you’re like, “That’s an alcoholic.” Right? ‘Cause… A sunburn on an adult is like a scarlet letter for poor judgment. There is no excuse. “Well, I was caught off-guard this time.” “I didn’t know the fireball in the sky would be hot this time.” When we weren’t at the beach, we did activities. I went zip-lining for the last time. What is wrong with us? “Hey, you wanna feel like you’re about to die?” “Would you pay 200 dollars to feel like you’re about to die six times?” Why don’t you just walk into traffic? “Did you see that bus almost hit me? I feel so alive.” Why don’t you just take off your mask at a biker rally? You know? If you’ve been zip-lining, you know to slow down, you have to spread out your arms and legs. That supposedly slows you down. It also makes it look like a suicide. “Oh, if he didn’t wanna die, why was he doing the chalk outline?” It’s such a weird… How did they even come up with zip-lining? “Hey, you know how telephone poles have a wire between ’em?” “What if we just put the tourists up there?” “Why would tourists do that?” “Don’t know. Why would they pay to swim with sharks?” We did go snorkeling. I wasn’t worried for myself ’cause I figured sharks would look at my legs and be like, “Those can’t be real.” “I’m not gonna bite into another mannequin, that’s for sure.” Sometimes, when my family would go to the beach, I’d go for a hike by myself, which was boring, but I figured how to make it fun. I started bringing a ketchup packet, and halfway through the hike, I’d open up the ketchup packet and rub it on my hands and my face, then I’d just approach romantic couples. “Have you seen my wife?” “No.” “But you heard her sassing off to me, right?” “I can still smell her sin.” “Jim, that joke’s scary.” “That’s a scary joke.” The pandemic continues, but we’re… we’re also processing part of the pandemic. We went a year and a half with no weddings, no kids’ birthday parties, no family reunions, but it wasn’t all good news. Right? Right? Huh? Some things… I don’t think some things are coming back. Like parades. I think that might be a wrap on parades. There was never anything that impressive about a parade. You’re all like, “Hey, kids, look. People are… walking.” “Creating unnecessary traffic.” Before the pandemic, if you ran into a parade, you were never like, “Oh, cool, a parade.” You were always kind of like, “I hate humans.” The only people really enjoying the parade were the people marching in the parade. Even the people on the sidewalk were like, “How long is this?” Of course, the highlight of most parades is the marching band, right? And on TV, that bird’s-eye view of the marching band is so impressive, right? But on a street level, you always felt like you were being invaded by nerds. “Uh-oh. Here they come. Hide your Xbox.” But marching bands are amazing, right? They practice as much as the athletes. They’re always rehearsing. It’s amazing how much effort goes into creating something that no one really likes. I’m kidding. I know there’s some marching band people here and it… And then for those… You know, like… The reality is, a marching band can take a song… It’s pretty impressive… any song, and ruin it. You know, like, “Wow, I didn’t know I could hate ‘Uptown Funk’ that much.” You’re never listening to a song and think, “I wish there was a marching band version of this.” And I understand there’s some proud marching band people here. And in full disclosure, I could never be in a marching band ’cause I’ve had sex. “He’s… He’s gonna get beat up by a marching band.” No, I know that people cherish their time in the marching band, they do. But to me, it just seems like we’re dissuading careers in music. It’s like, “Oh, you wanna be a musician? Okay.” “Put on this Captain Crunch costume.” “At halftime, march around the field while we grab some hot dogs.” “Do that for a couple semesters, then we’ll see if you still wanna be a musician.” Did you know that…? I didn’t know this. Marching bands started as military bands. They would march armies into battle, and they were for morale and to intimidate the enemy. I don’t know how that would work. “Oh, no. They know Fleetwood Mac.” “Should we go back?” “What if Lindsey Buckingham is with them?” How did they convince someone playing a trumpet to march into battle… “Head on in there.” “Won’t they have weapons?” “You’re gonna fight them with music.” “If you survive, please wake us up in the morning with a…” I love it when trumpet players have the plunger at the end. Who came up with that? “You know, I was listening to you play the trumpet and it reminded me of when I clogged my toilet.” “I’d eaten six Big Macs on a dare, anyway.” “Uh, I brought my plunger. It’s kind of clean.” “If you could place it at the end of your expensive music equipment, and give me a ‘wah-wah.'” “Go ahead.” “Have you ever thought of becoming a plumber?” It’s ridiculous. People always know someone who looks like me. Wherever I go, once a week, someone will come up to me and go, “Hey, I know someone that looks like you.” I never know what to say. “Well, tell him ‘Hi.'” “Encourage them to wear sunscreen.” And this person who looks like me never doing something impressive with their life. “Yeah, he mows our lawn.” “We don’t even pay him. He just does it.” That sounds like my gene pool. Occasionally, on social media, I’ll be sent photos of babies who supposedly look like me. “This baby looks like Jim Gaffigan.” People think it’s hysterical that I look like a pale, pudgy, bald infant who poops in a diaper. Sometimes, people get too cute. They’re like, “Hey, why does our baby son look like Jim Gaffigan?” I’m like, “‘Cause I slept with your wife.” Now if you think it’s humiliating to be told you look like a baby, you should know I’ve also been sent photos of cats that supposedly… …look like me. Not once or twice, we’re talking about dozens of different cats. Always the same message. “This cat looks like Jim Gaffigan.” I don’t know what they’re implying, you know. That I fathered a cat out of wedlock? When I was lonely after a show so I went for a walk and… an alley cat asked for a cigarette and… I said I don’t smoke and… well, we started talking and… before you know it, the sun was coming up. I never saw that cat again. I can still smell her dander. Now, if you think it’s humiliating to be told you look like a baby or a cat, you should know I was once sent a photo of someone’s kneecap… …with the message, “This kneecap looks like Jim Gaffigan.” – And you know what? – I did look like that kneecap. But I don’t know what they were implying, you know. That I fathered a kneecap out of wedlock? That I was lonely after a show and… I went for a walk and a kneecap asked for a cigarette and… and I said I don’t smoke and… we started talking. Before you know it, the sun was coming up. I never saw that kneecap again. Now, if you think it’s humiliating… …to be told you look like the fleshy, wrinkly part of a stranger’s leg… it is. Or, uh, you know, I thought it was. And then I had this realization. I figured out what had happened. You know, it all made sense. There might be one person in here that’s like, “Jim, you’re crazy.” But I think the rest of you will see the logic here. What happened is, this kneecap person, obviously, went to a plastic surgeon… Right? And said, “I would like my kneecap to look like the most underrated comedian in America.” Right? And the plastic surgeon said, “You mean John Mulaney?” And the kneecap person said, “No, Jim Gaffigan.” And the plastic surgeon said, “I don’t know who that is.” And then the kneecap person said, “He’s kind of a pale, pudgy guy who looks like a baby or a cat.” That’s probably what happened. That’s weird. I normally get told I look like other humans though. I, uh… In Utah, I always get told I look Mormon. I didn’t even know you could look like a religion. But apparently, I do. And I’ve done research. I don’t look like one of the founders of the Mormons. I don’t look like a present leader of the Mormons. I don’t even look like a guy who could have more than one wife. I just somehow look Mormon. Of course, the Mormons no longer practice polygamy. But for a while there, a Mormon man could have more than one wife. I don’t know if that was a selling point. ‘Cause I love my wife, and I can honestly say I don’t want another one. I feel like disappointing one person is enough. Could you imagine having two spouses mad at you? And you couldn’t drink coffee? No, thanks. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m picking on Mormons. Most organized religions have negative stereotypes. Luckily, I’m Catholic, so I don’t have to worry about that, all right. Sometimes people don’t believe me. Like, “Are you really Catholic?” “No, I’m just saying that to impress you.” “I wanna come across like I have good judgment.” At this point, it’s almost like Catholics are trying to lose followers. They’re like, “What else can we do? What else?” “Why don’t we make Bill Cosby pope? Let’s try that.” Catholics have made an art of shrinking their religion. Even back to the Great Schism of 1054 where the Eastern Orthodox and the Roman Catholics split apart, the Orthodox were like, “We wanna celebrate Christmas in January.” And the Catholics were like, “We like pedophiles.” I know. That one’s hard for me too. And then there was the, uh, Protestant Reformation. You didn’t even know this is a religion history class, did you? No, there was the Protestant Reformation in the 1500s when Martin Luther, who probably thought he’d be the most famous Martin Luther… Right? He was like, “That’s it. I’m the king of Martin Luthers.” “Don’t be surprised if one day, I get my own holiday.” No, Martin Luther, he had those 95 problems, but a bitch ain’t one, right? ‘Cause at the time, the Catholic church was super corrupt. Thankfully, it’s not anymore. Some Catholics get really angry. “You’re so critical of Catholic church, why you even Catholic?” Because I believe human beings are inherently flawed. That’s one of the reasons. But mainly, I’m afraid of my wife. Huh? I don’t think there’s anything intrinsically wrong with organized religion. It’s just the human interpretation, right? Most organized religions, God’s saying a similar thing. He’s like, “I want you to love one another.” And the humans are like, “Got it, got it. He said kill gay people, so…” “Let’s get to work.” As a result, all organized religions are struggling right now. Muslims, they’re killing it. Muslims are like, “Oh, Catholics, you think you can alienate people?” “Hold my hummus.” “Let me show you how it’s done.” I’m sure some of you are looking at me like, “Hey, Jim, you look like a former Hitler Youth.” “What are your views on Judaism?” “I’d like to see you destroy your career tonight.” Well, I’m not frightened. I’ll tell you what I think. I think Judaism is perfect. There’s nothing wrong with it. And I’d like to be in more feature films. That’s… That’s some, uh… That’s some good old-fashioned pandering anti-Semitism. Really, the only organized religion, without a negative stereotype, is Buddhism. Right? You’d think more Americans would be Buddhists. ‘Cause if you look at Buddha, he kind of looks like an American. Buddha looks like someone you’d watch the game with. “Buddha always gets a keg for the playoffs.” “Buddha! Buddha!” You know, in real life, Buddha was thin. He wasn’t even a big guy. They made him heavy to make the religion more appealing. ‘Cause at that time, being heavy was a sign of success. Also at that time, being lighter-skinned was a sign of success. So back then, I would have been like Jeff Bezos, so… Bezos. Who’s your favorite billionaire-pretend astronaut? Hmm? Can you believe there’s a choice? And it’s not between just two. We live in a day when billionaires are building their own rockets to fly to outer space, and no one’s saying, “Are you sure they’re paying all their taxes?” “‘Cause I know some teachers that need supplies.” It’s like these billionaires are trying to execute the plan of a five-year-old boy. “When I grow up, I’m gonna be a bazillionaire!” “And I’m gonna build my own spaceship!” “And fly to outer space!” “Okay, Jeffrey.” “But now it’s time for bed.” I almost feel sorry for the accountants of the billionaires. ‘Cause they were like, “You had an amazing year.” “You made 40 billion dollars.” “But I fudged the numbers so it looks like you broke even.” “As long as you lay low and don’t draw attention, we should be fine.” “You got anything coming up?” “I built a rocket…” “…to fly to outer space.” “You know I meant to lay low on this planet.” “Does it matter if the rocket’s shaped like a penis?” I do enjoy the reasoning of the billionaires for going to space. They’re like, “I’m going to outer space so eventually you can go to outer space.” “I’m going so you can go.” “I don’t wanna go to outer space.” “I wanna go to Italy.” Why don’t you work on that? I saw a hitchhiker recently. You never see that anymore. Of course, we no longer refer to them as “hitchhikers.” Now we call them “murderers”. Which is what they do. They murder the nice people that give them rides. Talk about a lack of gratitude. “Thanks for picking me up.” Stab. Hitchhiking disappeared ’cause it was dangerous for both participants. Right? The hitchhiker and the driver. And, you know, at one point, there must have been like a murderer driving around looking to pick up a hitchhiker, and he picked up a hitchhiker who was also a murderer. And the driver was like, “I’m gonna kill you.” And the hitchhiker was like, “I’m gonna kill you.” And I bet they had a laugh. I bet they laughed. And then slowly but surely, “they fell in love.” “And that’s what my musical’s about.” It’s called Hitched. Flew in Thursday, uh, driving from the airport, I saw this guy on a motorcycle and he looked so happy. You know, and whenever I see a motorcycle that’s on the highway, I always have the same thought. “You’re gonna die.” “What are you doing on the highway? You’re gonna die.” And the only reason I say that is ’cause they’re gonna die. I don’t even know what the thinking is. “Well, I have to travel a long distance.” “Should I take the car or this motorized chair with no seat belt?” “If I sneeze, I’ll never walk again.” “Live to ride.” And then die! I heard the motorcycle before I saw it. We’ve all heard those loud motorcycles. “Wow, how small is his penis?” And I didn’t know that’s the reason some motorcycles are so loud is ’cause they want you to know they’re gonna die. I have friends that love motorcycles. Some women are really into bikers. They’re like, “I just like a man who’s dangerous, who can’t afford a car.” “And who’s definitely gonna die.” But bikers are fascinating, right? What a uniquely American subculture. They’re all about macho independence, right? They’re all about the independence. Like, “I just wanna be out on the road, just me and my bike, alone, with 30 other guys.” “In matching outfits.” “Riding in tandem so close, we can French-kiss each other.” He’s gonna get beat up by a marching band and a gang of bikers. Bikers are grown men who make the same phone calls of an eight-year-old boy. “You guys wanna ride bikes tonight?” “Well, I don’t wanna go alone. It’s scary out there. Ask your mommy.” The reason that’s funny is ’cause bikers are so intimidating, right? They’re angry. Bikers seem angry, and I think it’s ’cause they’re cold. Right? That vest with no shirt? That’s gotta be chilly. “Oh, I wish I had a shawl.” “Shawl and my Uggs.” “Maybe a pumpkin spice latte.” That vest with no shirt is so common among bikers. Is there like peer pressure? “Look at Curtis over there, wearing a T-shirt under his vest like a girl.” “Let’s kick his ass.” “And then kiss him.” Occasionally, you’ll see a biker giving someone a ride on the back of their motorcycle, it’s usually a woman. Guys don’t wanna ride on the back. Mm. It’s hard to get a ride on the back of a motorcycle without giving an extended intimate hug. “Let’s get out of here, Virgil.” “You smell wonderful, Virgil.” “What is that, lilac?” “You’ve been doing sit-ups, Virgil?” During the summer, occasionally, you’ll see a bicyclist on the highway. See a cyclist on the highway, they’re always dressed like they’re competing in the Tour de France. “You’re losing!” “And you’re also gonna die.” Those bicyclists, they have to settle down with the helmet design. It’s all super aerodynamic. It’s like, “You’re not going that fast.” You’re riding a bike. You’re not in the movie Tron. And put on some clothes! What’s with the spandex? Are you on your way to wrestle Blue Man Group? How many Blue Man references you’re gonna have? You ever see a bicyclist on the highway and they’re not in spandex, they’re just in regular clothes? They look like they have a DUI. Should’ve Ubered. You never see a cyclist giving someone a ride, right? There’s no room. They’re already sitting on that door handle of a seat. “I’m just gonna sit here for five hours.” “I don’t know why I can’t have children.” Right, I’m going after the cyclist. What are they gonna do? Throw their baby bottle of water at me? “I’d chase you, but for no reason at all, I’m wearing cleats.” Are those cleats necessary? You’re in a Starbucks. “Do you have oat milk?” I think it’s interesting, people who ride bicycles are called “cyclists,” but people who ride motorcycles are called “bikers”? You know, that’s just the bikers bullying the cyclists. “Hey, we’re gonna take the name ‘biker.’ You can’t use it.” And the cyclist went, “Motorcycle doesn’t even have the word ‘bike’ in it.” “We don’t care.” “Also, we’re gonna dress like that guy from the Village People.” Sun-glass guy’s like, “Well, we were gonna do that.” “No, you’re gonna dress like rhythmic gymnasts.” “Okay.” Bikers and cyclists both dress like they’re on their way to a costume party. No other form of transportation has a uniform. You never see everyone on the cruise ship dress like pirates ’cause it’s not necessary. Bikers and cyclists, both on two wheels, nothing in common. It’s like they’re trying to be different. Even the placement of the handlebars… Some cyclists have handlebars in real tight, some bikers have their handlebars way up here. “Oh, this is comfortable.” “This reminds me of my Big Wheel.” “Now I know why I have my wallet on a chain.” You never see a unicyclist on the highway. You know why? ‘Cause they’re all dead. ‘Cause I killed them. You’re welcome. Is there any bigger attention-grab than riding a unicycle? I guess a pogo stick, right? What was the pitch for the pogo stick? “It’s a stick you can jump on twice and then fall on your face.” “Interesting. If you practice, do you get better?” “Not at all, no.” “I’ll take one.” But unicyclists, they act like they don’t want the attention. They always have that super casual look on their face, but their legs are so frantic. They’re always like… “Oh, hey, what’s going on, everyone?” “Oh, I’m not doing anything.” “Does anyone have three bowling pins I could juggle?” “I could annoy you with two unnecessary skills.” That joke takes way too much effort. Oh, you may have noticed that there’s a piano on stage. And, uh, some of you may be wondering, “Hey, why would Jim Gaffigan have a piano on stage?” And… What you may not realize is that I… do not play the piano. “Jim, that was…” “Really? Did he bring the piano just for that joke?” “That’s pathetic.” Good-looking crowd here. Wow. Very good-looking. Very good-looking crowd, huh? Well, not all of you, you know. Not all of you. But I’m not breaking any news, right? We know where we stand. Yeah, we learn from such an early age. Like, I remember kindergarten, the girls would chase the cute boys at recess, and let’s just say I didn’t do a lot of running. Or any running. I remember being five years old and going, “Oh, this is how it’s gonna be.” “I’m gonna have to write some jokes.” “And I’ll be hanging out with the fellas.” I still hang out with the fellas. All right, I had a friend during the lockdown who spent the entire time planning a guys’ weekend. Every time I talk to him, he would make it sound less appealing. “Dude, this is what we’re gonna do.” “We’re gonna rent a cabin for the weekend. Just guys, no women.” “I’m already out.” “No, no, no. Think about it. Just guys, no women.” “We’ll smoke cigars, play poker all weekend.” “Sounds horrible.” “You’re not thinking it through.” “Just guys, no women, for a whole weekend, like we’re in prison.” “I look forward to it.” Every year, my brother Mitch goes on a golfing trip with 30 men. Thirty men. They fly to Florida. They rent three houses. Ten men to a house. They play golf in the morning, they eat lunch together, they play golf in the afternoon, and then they go back to the houses, I don’t know, have sex with each other. I don’t know what they do. It sounds horrible. How much fellowship can you have? My brother is not gay and, obviously, I wouldn’t care if he was. But if he ever came out, he could be like, “I gave you so many hints.” “I literally vacationed with 30 men.” “We rented out a cul-de-sac.” “We played with sticks and balls all day.” “How clear did I have to make it?” I guess the point I’m trying to make is golf makes people gay. So… So the next time a friend says, “I’m going to play golf with the fellas,” just be like, “Enjoy.” No, I prefer mixed company. I do, you know. There’s a cliché that men are dumb and I have enough male friends to know that’s based on some truth. Every man in here has that friend that they occasionally look at and wonder how they hold down a job. And if you don’t think that about a friend, that means you’re the friend. Yeah. My friend like that is Ricky. He’s a great guy. Ricky and I, one time, we went axe-throwing. Don’t know if you’ve done that. Throw an axe, you drink a beer. You try and forget our democracy is in crisis and… At one point, Ricky turned to me and he goes, “Hey, before axe-throwing, what did they use axes for?” “Uh…” “Chopping wood?” He’s like, “Really?” And I was like, “Don’t talk anymore.” And like a good friend, I ran home, turned it into a stand-up bit. And I kind of forgot about it. Then, like a month later, Ricky called me out of the blue and goes, “I did it. I did it.” “I built my own axe-throwing range in my backyard.” Yeah, he’s divorced. And… Then he immediately starts bragging. He’s like, “Yeah, now, I could throw an axe 20 yards and hit a bullseye.” I’m like, “That’s impressive.” “You know when that’s gonna come in handy? Never.” He’ll be like, “Hey, you never know.” I’m like, “No, I do know.” Even if someone broke in your house and you happen to be holding an axe, you’re not gonna be able to say, “Hey, can you come 10 feet closer?” I like having women around for many reasons, not least of which is, they’re attractive and men are not. You know? Like when a guy’s good-looking, it’s like a fluke of nature. And you know what all attractive men have in common? They kind of look like women. Right? That’s the only way straight guys can tell who’s good-looking. “Wow, he must be attractive. He barely looks like a dude.” Women are attractive and compared to men, they’re very clean. Men are gross. And make very little effort to not be gross. Like, if aliens visited Earth, they’ll be so confused. They’ll be like, “The attractive feminine gender is taking an hour to get ready and those hairy beasts are just ready?” “No wonder this planet’s always at war.” Men are gross and as they get older, grosser. When women get older, they become more elegant. As men get older, they look like they’re decomposing. You ever seen an old guy with the shirt off? He looks like the first draft of a human. What is that, a Simpsons character? Because when men get older, things stop working. The synapses stop connecting. Normally, brain’s like, “Every month, I’m gonna grow hair on this guy’s head. “Every month, I’m gonna grow hair on this guy’s head.” But one month, the brain’s like, “Every month, I’m gonna grow hair everywhere but this guy’s head.” I have hair growing in parts of my body… I don’t need. Do you wanna know why older men grow hair on weird parts of their body? That’s nature’s way of saying, “You’re done.” “Stop mating or I’m going to turn you into a throw rug.” I have some body hair, not as bad as some men, which is a relief, ’cause as you can see, I did not win the genetic lottery. I am bald, blind and pale. It wouldn’t surprise me if I woke up tomorrow with a tail. “Have you seen the comic with the tail?” “He’s very pale and the tail even has a bald spot.” I saw a guy this summer at the pool, he’s probably 60, had his shirt off. Not a lot of body hair. All body hair. For a second, I thought they were shooting a GEICO commercial. This guy was… He was so hairy I had to stop my youngest son from trying to pet him. “Let him smell your hand first, son.” This guy was hairy and he was walking around the pool with the confidence like he’d spent a lifetime dealing with hairy situations. No one said anything, but everyone had the same thought: “Please don’t go in the pool.” “No one’s prepared to see you shake dry.” And this man walked right by everyone, and he sat down next to an attractive woman. And I was so impressed. That woman could look beyond this man’s appearance and focus solely on his wallet. Whoo! But we all wanna be good-looking, right? We all wanna be chased on the playground, right? Some people go so far as to get plastic surgery. They’re like, “Oh, I don’t wanna sound desperate, but can you take a knife to my face?” “And make me pretty. Just keep cutting!” It’s kind of amazing more of us don’t get plastic surgery because we live in a beauty-obsessed society, right? There are studies. There was a Harvard study, that found that children believed good-looking people are nicer. That study also found that children are stupid. We definitely give good-looking people the benefit of the doubt. Like if a really attractive person’s quiet, we think they’re mysterious. If a fat person is quiet, we assume they’re thinking about food. And we are, we are, but there’s still a mystery. You don’t know what kind of food. All right, it’s cake. It’s always cake. But you don’t know what kind. All right, it’s red velvet. As a result, we just like being around beautiful people. You ever been out to eat and you have a waiter or waitress that’s really attractive? For a second, you’re like, “Wow, this is gonna be a good meal.” You ever have an ugly waiter, you’re like, “Should we leave?” I think that’s why buffets started. “You know what, I’ll get my own food. Thank you.” “I don’t need that mug near my entrée. You know what I mean?” “Jim, you’re a monster.” We follow good-looking people on social media, Instagram. Beautiful people have millions of followers and we like their photos and sometimes, we put a flame emoji. It’s totally socially acceptable. If you did that in real life, you’d go to jail. “Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?” “I’m following that lady.” “Uh, Can I ask why?” “I like to look at her.” “Can you give her this torch I brought her?” “And these prayer hands.” Everyone’s got to settle down with the prayer hands emoji. The overuse is ridiculous. Got a text from a friend, “See you at dinner. Prayer hands.” “No. No prayer hands. Are you not gonna make it?” “What are you suggesting? That we eat hands for dinner?” My wife is very good-looking. That’s right, I’m part of a mixed couple. It’s not fair. She’s good-looking, she’s smart, she’s creative. But you know what? Horrible taste in men. So it evens out. I’m happily married, but I would say, once a week, I catch my wife giving me a look, like, “I’m gonna have to let you go.” ‘Cause I disappoint her constantly. I do things that annoy. Like, here’s something I do that annoys my wife. I use the bathroom. I know. I shouldn’t, right? I get in trouble for not telling her I’m gonna use the bathroom. “You just disappeared. Where’d you go?” “I didn’t know I needed a hall pass.” I also get in trouble for telling her I’m gonna use the bathroom. “Uh, I’m gonna use the bathroom.” “Again?” “Are you okay?” “How many times is that today?” “You’re disgusting.” “What do you do in there?” “Mostly get away from you.” When my wife’s annoyed with me, she doesn’t give me the silent treatment. She’ll just take too long to answer a simple question. She’ll be standing a foot away, looking at her phone and I’ll be like, “What time do we have to do that school thing?” And she’ll just be like… “It’s in the calendar.” I’ll be like, “Uh, are you mad at me?” “No.” Recently, we learned that this couple that we’re friends with are getting a divorce. And not surprisingly, my wife was very upset. With me. I wasn’t surprised ’cause this wasn’t the first time something I had nothing to do with was my fault. Trump’s election, the Kavanaugh hearings, that was my fault. And I apologize ’cause I unconsciously planned the whole thing. Now, I would never describe my wife as crazy, ’cause I like to be married. But I do think it’s interesting that if a man calls another man crazy, it’s a compliment. “Here’s my buddy, Joey. He’s crazy.” Joey’s like, “Oh, you’re just being nice.” But if I was like, “This is my wife, Jeannie. She’s crazy.” I even get nervous saying that. She’s back in New York, but you never know. ‘Cause if my wife was standing here and I was like, “This is my wife, she’s crazy,” I’d be dead. And all of you would applaud. You’d be like, “Well, that was a teachable moment. Yeah.” “We learned something.” No, we’re hanging in there. By the way, if at the start of the pandemic, you were in a relationship and you’re still in that relationship, you should get money, right? Right? Because before the pandemic, if you’d hear of a couple splitting up, you were like, “Oh, no.” But during the pandemic, when you’d hear of a break up, you’re like, “Oh, of course.” You felt for the couples that stayed together. “You’re still together? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” “Co-dependency, huh?” ‘Cause it doesn’t matter how strong your relationship was. At one point during the pandemic, you looked at your partner and thought, “I think I’d rather have the coronavirus.” I know that sounds horrible, but it’s true. Everyone had that moment where they’re like, “You know, how uncomfortable is that ventilator?” “I know I wouldn’t be able to talk, but does that mean I wouldn’t be able to hear her?” “Do they have a ventilator just for the ears?” “Jim, you’re a monster.” My wife’s an amazing mother. We have five children. Can you believe that? Five children. Thank you. Thank you. It is something I regret… …’cause there’s too many of them. There’s way too many. Sometimes at dinner, I just pretend I’m hosting a reality show… …called So You Think You’re Going To College. ‘Cause they all can’t go. They all can’t go, not if I’m getting that boat. I’m kidding. Obviously, I’m not getting the boat… not until I get a motorcycle, you know. My kids find me annoying. All children find their parents annoying, which is kind of ironic, given children essentially ruined their parents’ lives. Right? Parents give their children their time, their energy and their money, and we repay our parents with resentment. Have you ever seen an adult get a phone call from one of their parents? You’d think it was a debt collector. “Ugh. It’s my mom.” “Yeah, I know you took care of me for a quarter of a century, but now is not a good time.” “You know what wasn’t a good time? Giving up my dreams… …so you could be a general disappointment.” No, I would never suggest that children are God’s punishment for having sex. But an argument could be made. And he’s up there, “Oh, they’re enjoying that way too much.” “How can I get them to pray tomorrow?” I do love being a parent. It’s the most important thing I’ll do in my life. But it’s an insane proposition. You give your children everything. You give them everything and then just one day, they leave. They’re like, “See you! Thanks for nothing.” “I’ll let you know if I need help with a mortgage.” Sometimes they don’t leave, right? They just stick around. They turn into roommates. Not going to happen in my house. I already have a backpack for each of them. They’ve seen the bags, “What’s that?” I’m like, “When you turn 18, that’s your going-away present.” “Jim, you’re a monster.” I try to be a good dad. I feel like I make more of an effort than my father. My dad’s generation, they didn’t have to do anything. My dad never went to a parent-teacher conference. My dad didn’t even know I went to school. My father couldn’t be bothered to turn his head if something was happening behind him. “What the hell’s going on back there?” I don’t know if he couldn’t turn his head or if it wasn’t worth the effort. “What the hell is going on back there?” “Oh, we’re celebrating my birthday.” “Oh, keep it down. I’m watching Ironsides.” ♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ To you ♪ My children give me guilt trips I wouldn’t even contemplate. Like my daughter was in a play on Thursday and Friday, so I went on Thursday night and then Friday morning, she saw me with my rolly bag and was like, “Oh, you’re not coming to my show tonight?” I’m like, “You’ve never been to one of my shows.” “I do 300 a year.” My big plan was to teach my children responsibility by selling posters after one of my shows. So I texted my teenage daughter. I’m like, “Do you wanna sell posters after my show? I’ll pay you.” She texted back, “Great, sounds good.” Then I texted my teenage son. “Do you want to sell posters after my show? I’ll pay you.” He texted back, “No thanks. I don’t need the money.” He doesn’t have any money. He has my money. I just texted back, “You’re out of the will.” I’m kidding. He was never in it. If my father asked me to do something, he wouldn’t even stick around for an answer. “You wanna shovel the driveway?” Then he’d just leave. It was understood I was gonna shovel the driveway or move out. I was kind of frightened of my dad. My children treat me like some bank teller they reluctantly have to deal with. Once a week, they just appear in front of me. “Hmm… Mom said I could get a shark… …so I guess I need your credit card.” I’m like, “What are you talking about?” “He’s yelling again, Mom!” If my dad was in a room in the house, I wouldn’t go to that side of the house. “I’ll just pee outside.” And I had all these older siblings that used to send me in there to ask questions. “Go ask Dad if we can go to Dairy Queen.” “I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it.” “Go. You’re too young to kill.” “Dad?” “What the hell do you want?” “He said, no.” When I didn’t have kids, I didn’t understand my dad at all. By the way, if you don’t have children, none of this should make sense. Or even the concept of a Saturday night. When you don’t have kids, you’re like, “Saturday!” And when you’re a parent, you’re like, “Who can we pay to come to this house… …and watch this child?” And your standards drop so dramatically. Initially, like, “They should have a PhD.” And then you’re like, “Well, how long were they in jail?” “Murder? It wasn’t children, right?” “A Satanist? You’ll fit right in.” Any parent will tell you that, like, having children has enriched their lives. It’s exposed them to things they never thought they’d do. Like kids just… You end up doing things you never thought you’d do. Like for me, going outside. You ever go outside with real little kids? You don’t even know what to do with them. You’re like, “Well, I normally just drink out here.” “Who wants to play a game of nap?” It’s weird when your kids have a friend that you’re not a fan of. “Oh, Tommy’s coming over? Well, I’ll be leaving.” “You can text me when Tommy is gone… …’cause he’s immature.” I wasn’t prepared for all the activities kids have. You pick up your kid and bring them to an activity, then to another activity. And if they don’t have an activity, you have to think of one, or they’ll smoke meth. You’re always looking for an activity as a parent. I took my kids to Ripley’s Believe It or Not. I don’t know if you’ve ever been that desperate for something to do. What can I tell you about Ripley’s Believe It or Not? It’s mostly not. It’s not interesting. It’s not even a lot of stuff. It’s like they just emptied out some drifter’s storage unit. I do admire that business model, you know. Most businesses attempt to establish trust with the customer. Not Ripley’s. Like, “Believe it… or not. We don’t care.” “We know you’re not coming back.” I’m still getting used to having teenagers. Recently, my 17-year-old daughter told me that she wants to be an actor, which is so crazy ’cause when I was that age, that movie Dead Poets Society came out, which is an amazing movie with Robin Williams, where he plays this teacher who inspires these students to seize the day, right? And one of the students wants to be an actor. And, you know, he joins the play and he invites his dad to see the play and after the play, he tells his dad that he wants to be an actor. Dad’s like, “You’re not gonna be an actor, that’s stupid. Waste of time and money…” The kid’s so distraught he kills himself, and then the teacher gets fired and all the kids stand on desks… Anyway, it’s a great movie. No, now… now that I’m the parent of a teenager, I realized that dad in Dead Poets Society was right. I’m kidding. I know the point of the movie is, “Don’t be a teacher.” My wife hates that joke so much. My kids, I don’t know what they think. I don’t even think my kids know what I do for a living. Or I should say I didn’t think they knew what I did for a living till last Halloween. My 10-year-old, Michael, didn’t know what he wanted to be for Halloween, which is a crisis. If you’re a parent, you know this. Then, like, two days before Halloween, he ran up to me and he goes, “I know what I’m gonna be for Halloween.” “I’m gonna be a stand-up comedian.” And I was so touched. I was like, “Oh, my gosh, for Halloween, you wanna be your dad.” And he goes, “No, I wanna be John Mulaney.” Slap! Right across the face. Thank you so much, you guys. Appreciate it. That’s Mom and Dad. | Thank you! Thank you! Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Aw, thank you so much. Thank you. Aw… That’s so nice. That almost makes me forget we’re all gonna be dead in a week. I’m kidding. It’ll probably be a month. Remember when we thought the pandemic was over? Everyone was so happy. “We did it!” We probably looked so stupid. Everyone was patting themselves on the back. “You know, I’m just glad I could help out the sick, by staying inside.” “It’s not over? Well, I’m not going back in.” “Those sick people have to die.” ‘Cause it’s not over. The pandemic is like a TV show you thought was canceled, and then it got picked up by Netflix. Oh… I didn’t really pace myself for another season. I don’t know about you, I wasn’t planning on seeing my family ever again. Parents know the feeling. It’s like changing that diaper in the middle of the night. You’re exhausted. It’s disgusting. But you have to do it. So you change the diaper, you finally get the sleeper back on, and as you gently lay the baby back in the crib, you hear the diaper fill up again. And that’s what the year 2021 is. Over and over. It’s just a diaper filling up over and over. I kind of miss the early days of the pandemic. Those were fun. Back when we thought washing our hands would protect us. “Everyone, wash your hands. We’ll be fine.” “Okay.” Remember before there were readily available tests, everyone had that friend that used to brag “Yeah, I already had COVID.” “I had it back in ’91.” “Yeah. Back then, it was called COVID-91.” “Had it a couple times. Got rid of it by washing my hands.” ‘Cause the symptoms were confusing. They’re still confusing. It’s like, “What are the symptoms?” “Everything.” “What do you mean, everything?” “Asking a question is a symptom.” “Well, that can’t be true.” “Denial is a major symptom.” Did you wipe down your groceries? I did that. It felt so silly. You know, like, “I’m just a normal guy cleaning a Triscuit box.” “Is this what OCD feels like?” Couple weeks later, you’re like, “Nah, they look clean to me.” “I cleaned ’em.” But you had to take the precautions. There was no uniformity. Everyone talked a big game, right? “Oh, we’re on lockdown.” “No work, no school, you know.” “We got our bubble.” “Bubble’s just my family and these two people we see at a weekly sex party.” “I figured, better safe than sorry.” ‘Cause we all went through the same pandemic, but we didn’t have the same experience, right? There were factors. Like, if you were 25 and healthy, you’re like, “Whatever. I’m going on a COVID cruise.” But if you were over the age of 25… And it may surprise you, but I am… …you watched the news more closely, right? The news guys would be like, “High-risk people are older.” You’re like, “Well, how old?” “Like old old, or didn’t-have-a-cellphone-in-high-school old?” Right? ‘Cause nobody thinks of themselves as old. The reality of your age just occasionally slaps you across the face. I did this benefit for a hospital. It was a fancy event. When I showed up, the woman running the event was like, “Oh, my gosh. We went to the same college.” She was younger, but we talked and we realized we hung out at the same places. At the end of the event, I was leaving and she ran up to me, she was like, “I need to know what year you graduated college.” I was like, “1988.” And she was like, “Oh, my gosh. That’s the year I was born.” Slap! Right across the face. I didn’t even know what to say. I was like, “Ah, that’s the year I was born too.” She looked at me like, “That’s not funny.” And then I got in my car and stuffed food in my mouth until I stopped feeling anything. Sometimes you had to decipher the news. Right? The newscaster would be like, “The vulnerable are older and people with comorbidities.” You’re like, “Co what?” “Comorbidity.” Which eventually we figured out was just code for, “All the fat asses are gonna die.” But they couldn’t say that on the news. They couldn’t have Sanjay Gupta be like, “Well, Anderson, all the fat asses are gonna die.” So they said comorbidities. And at home, we were like, “Honey, what is a comorb…” “I don’t know. Pass the gravy.” In time, we figured out they were talking about fat people. And if you were overweight, you were like, “How fat?” Or like, “Are we talking Walmart fat or Jim Gaffigan fat?” I got the message. I dunno, I totally got the message. I started working out. I started eating healthy. I was going good. Then one day I looked in the mirror and I was like, “Ah, enough of that.” Turns out, life or death, not the motivator you’d think it would be. “You could live longer.” “Not a good enough reason.” “Can you sweeten the deal, maybe throw in a pizza?” I tried. I tried. My wife bought me a scale, so the romance is still alive. I didn’t ask for it. She gave it to me as a gift. I could never do something like that. “Happy birthday, honey. I bought you a scale and some makeup.” “Just lookin’ out for you, sweetie.” It’s a high-tech scale. Comes with an app so the government can know how overweight I am. I don’t know why there’s an app. Maybe so I can be the victim of Ransomware. “Pay up or we’re telling everyone how fat you are.” “But I don’t have any crypto currency.” I set up the app, stood on the scale, my weight showed up on the phone, 150 pounds. All right, it was over 200. All right, it was way over 200. If it was an old-fashioned scale, you wouldn’t see the number 200. But it was in the 200 family. And underneath my weight, on the phone, there was this word in small red lettering. I didn’t have my glasses on so I asked my daughter. I was like, “What does that say?” She was like, “Obese.” Slap! Right across the face. I just looked at my daughter, I’m like, “Ah, I gotta update this app.” And then I ran to the kitchen and stuffed food in my mouth till I stopped feeling anything. Still wearing masks. There was that time when nobody had to wear a mask, right? That was a fun day. Remember the first time you went out in public without a mask? It was weird, right? You felt naked. You were like, “Oh, I’m so European.” “What is this, the French Riviera?” I was kind of tempted to wear, like, a thong mask. You know, something tasteful yet naughty. “I can see his cheeks, but there’s still a mystery.” “Ooh-la-la.” ♪ Round and pale and mostly balding ♪ ♪ The boy from Indiana goes walking ♪ ♪ And as he does All the people he pass go ♪ ♪ “Yuck!” ♪ Initially, it was strange seeing other people’s faces without a mask. You wanted to go up to some people like, “You should stick with the mask.” “It’s a better look for you. You in a mask is better for everyone.” Did you meet anyone during the pandemic where you only knew them with a mask? And then when you finally saw them barefaced, you’re like, “Yikes.” You felt like you were catfished. You’re like, “Wow, your face doesn’t match your voice at all.” “And who stole your chin?” Of course, the biggest reveal of the pandemic was how many crazy people there are. That was a bit of a surprise. We all knew there were some Unabombers out there, but, nobody thought there were that many. Or that we were related to a couple of them. You know? ‘Cause everyone had that relative or friend that came out as bonkers. “I no longer believe in reality.” “Good to know.” It was like a gender reveal for insanity. “The truth is no longer true.” “See you at Thanksgiving.” I feel like it happened for me more often ’cause I’ve always had friends that are eccentric thinkers and they’re normally really entertaining. They’re like, “Bigfoot’s real, man. Bigfoot is real.” But that same person, at one point during the pandemic, was like, “Tom Hanks eats babies.” “Don’t say that.” “Tom Hanks does eat babies.” “And if you don’t believe that, then you eat babies.” “All right.” “Tom Hanks eats babies.” “He always seemed like a baby-eater to me.” The thing I missed most during the lockdown was restaurants. I know that’s a surprise. I didn’t even realize how much I missed restaurants ’til the first time I went out to eat and I caught myself catcalling other people’s food. “Oh, yeah.” “What I would do to you.” “Get me a fork and knife.” “Jim, you’re in public.” “Oh, sorry.” This is gonna kind of sound pandering, but I believe the pandemic has been hardest on mothers. Definitely hardest on mothers. Right? Or the men who had to live with those mothers. It was insane for… I don’t know how my wife did it. We had five children doing distance-learning. And my kids were good. They totally kept a distance from learning. We asked children to do school on the same device they play Minecraft. It’s like holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a Wendy’s. I mean, it was insane. I definitely gained an appreciation for how difficult it is to be a teacher. And what a poor career choice that was. Right? I guess it was, uh, after the first case of Scotch, I turned to my wife… …and I said, “When this is over, if there’s even an opening, I’ll take you wherever you wanna go. Wherever you wanna go.” My wife was like, “I want to go to Hawaii.” And I was like, “I was thinking more Tri-State area.” She was like, “I wanna go to Hawaii and I wanna bring the kids.” And I was like, “Whose kids?” She was like, “Our kids.” I did the research, saw that it was cheaper than a divorce, so we went to Hawaii. And… Hawaii is such a special place. It really is. It’s like there’s the “Aloha Spirit”, where people greet each other with “Aloha,” but I’m so awkward, so they’ll be like, “Aloha,” and I’ll be like, “Hello ha.” Does that mean something? That means… Even when I would use the Hawaiian terms properly, it would backfire. Like if I said, “Mahalo,” the natives would look at me like, “You don’t have to do that.” “Just nod your head and we’ll bring you pork.” ‘Cause I stuck out in Hawaii. I didn’t even look like a tourist. I looked like someone they brought in to make the tourists feel more comfortable. “You’re fine. You wanna see awkward, look at Jim Gaffigan.” Hawaii, it’s incomparable to any other state. It’s a tropical paradise. It’s almost like Hawaii was this Polynesian island nation that we just took over. You know what I mean? Like, it wasn’t even part of the United States. We just went in like it was an open house. “Nice. Nice.” “We could do our honeymoon here. We’ll take it.” The Hawaiians were like, “We’re our own country.” “That’s cute. I love your flower shirt. Gotta get one of them.” And Hawaiians will tell you, they’ll come right up to you. They’ll be, “You stole this land.” And I’m like, “Don’t know how to break it to you, but we stole all the land.” “Probably just stings a little more ’cause it’s pretty here.” “Believe me, there’s people in Detroit pissed at us.” My wife chose Hawaii because my wife loves the beach. And as you can see, so do I. I spent the entire time applying and re-applying sunscreen which, thankfully, makes my skin whiter. What cruel bastard decided that the goo that protects pale people from the sun should also make them look like White Walkers? It’s… it’s just cruel. They should offer other colors. “Cool. There’s one of the guys from Blue Man Group.” I don’t even know why sunscreen is white. What was the thinking? “Well, you know, those pale people love ranch dressing, so…” “…let’s keep it in their wheelhouse.” ‘Cause I don’t tan. I don’t kind of tan. There’s no medium rare for me. I either look like I’ve never been outside, or I was just released from a burn unit. There’s no in-between. And I know people go to the beach to relax. People find the beach very relaxing. Not so much for me. It’s like being allergic to bees and then, for vacation, becoming a beekeeper. My one goal was to just not burn. I didn’t want to be the sunburned adult. You see a kid with a sunburn, you’re like, “Parenting is hard.” You see an adult with a sunburn, you’re like, “That’s an alcoholic.” Right? ‘Cause… A sunburn on an adult is like a scarlet letter for poor judgment. There is no excuse. “Well, I was caught off-guard this time.” “I didn’t know the fireball in the sky would be hot this time.” When we weren’t at the beach, we did activities. I went zip-lining for the last time. What is wrong with us? “Hey, you wanna feel like you’re about to die?” “Would you pay 200 dollars to feel like you’re about to die six times?” Why don’t you just walk into traffic? “Did you see that bus almost hit me? I feel so alive.” Why don’t you just take off your mask at a biker rally? You know? If you’ve been zip-lining, you know to slow down, you have to spread out your arms and legs. That supposedly slows you down. It also makes it look like a suicide. “Oh, if he didn’t wanna die, why was he doing the chalk outline?” It’s such a weird… How did they even come up with zip-lining? “Hey, you know how telephone poles have a wire between ’em?” “What if we just put the tourists up there?” “Why would tourists do that?” “Don’t know. Why would they pay to swim with sharks?” We did go snorkeling. I wasn’t worried for myself ’cause I figured sharks would look at my legs and be like, “Those can’t be real.” “I’m not gonna bite into another mannequin, that’s for sure.” Sometimes, when my family would go to the beach, I’d go for a hike by myself, which was boring, but I figured how to make it fun. I started bringing a ketchup packet, and halfway through the hike, I’d open up the ketchup packet and rub it on my hands and my face, then I’d just approach romantic couples. “Have you seen my wife?” “No.” “But you heard her sassing off to me, right?” “I can still smell her sin.” “Jim, that joke’s scary.” “That’s a scary joke.” The pandemic continues, but we’re… we’re also processing part of the pandemic. We went a year and a half with no weddings, no kids’ birthday parties, no family reunions, but it wasn’t all good news. Right? Right? Huh? Some things… I don’t think some things are coming back. Like parades. I think that might be a wrap on parades. There was never anything that impressive about a parade. You’re all like, “Hey, kids, look. People are… walking.” “Creating unnecessary traffic.” Before the pandemic, if you ran into a parade, you were never like, “Oh, cool, a parade.” You were always kind of like, “I hate humans.” The only people really enjoying the parade were the people marching in the parade. Even the people on the sidewalk were like, “How long is this?” Of course, the highlight of most parades is the marching band, right? And on TV, that bird’s-eye view of the marching band is so impressive, right? But on a street level, you always felt like you were being invaded by nerds. “Uh-oh. Here they come. Hide your Xbox.” But marching bands are amazing, right? They practice as much as the athletes. They’re always rehearsing. It’s amazing how much effort goes into creating something that no one really likes. I’m kidding. I know there’s some marching band people here and it… And then for those… You know, like… The reality is, a marching band can take a song… It’s pretty impressive… any song, and ruin it. You know, like, “Wow, I didn’t know I could hate ‘Uptown Funk’ that much.” You’re never listening to a song and think, “I wish there was a marching band version of this.” And I understand there’s some proud marching band people here. And in full disclosure, I could never be in a marching band ’cause I’ve had sex. “He’s… He’s gonna get beat up by a marching band.” No, I know that people cherish their time in the marching band, they do. But to me, it just seems like we’re dissuading careers in music. It’s like, “Oh, you wanna be a musician? Okay.” “Put on this Captain Crunch costume.” “At halftime, march around the field while we grab some hot dogs.” “Do that for a couple semesters, then we’ll see if you still wanna be a musician.” Did you know that…? I didn’t know this. Marching bands started as military bands. They would march armies into battle, and they were for morale and to intimidate the enemy. I don’t know how that would work. “Oh, no. They know Fleetwood Mac.” “Should we go back?” “What if Lindsey Buckingham is with them?” How did they convince someone playing a trumpet to march into battle… “Head on in there.” “Won’t they have weapons?” “You’re gonna fight them with music.” “If you survive, please wake us up in the morning with a…” I love it when trumpet players have the plunger at the end. Who came up with that? “You know, I was listening to you play the trumpet and it reminded me of when I clogged my toilet.” “I’d eaten six Big Macs on a dare, anyway.” “Uh, I brought my plunger. It’s kind of clean.” “If you could place it at the end of your expensive music equipment, and give me a ‘wah-wah.'” “Go ahead.” “Have you ever thought of becoming a plumber?” It’s ridiculous. People always know someone who looks like me. Wherever I go, once a week, someone will come up to me and go, “Hey, I know someone that looks like you.” I never know what to say. “Well, tell him ‘Hi.'” “Encourage them to wear sunscreen.” And this person who looks like me never doing something impressive with their life. “Yeah, he mows our lawn.” “We don’t even pay him. He just does it.” That sounds like my gene pool. Occasionally, on social media, I’ll be sent photos of babies who supposedly look like me. “This baby looks like Jim Gaffigan.” People think it’s hysterical that I look like a pale, pudgy, bald infant who poops in a diaper. Sometimes, people get too cute. They’re like, “Hey, why does our baby son look like Jim Gaffigan?” I’m like, “‘Cause I slept with your wife.” Now if you think it’s humiliating to be told you look like a baby, you should know I’ve also been sent photos of cats that supposedly… …look like me. Not once or twice, we’re talking about dozens of different cats. Always the same message. “This cat looks like Jim Gaffigan.” I don’t know what they’re implying, you know. That I fathered a cat out of wedlock? When I was lonely after a show so I went for a walk and… an alley cat asked for a cigarette and… I said I don’t smoke and… well, we started talking and… before you know it, the sun was coming up. I never saw that cat again. I can still smell her dander. Now, if you think it’s humiliating to be told you look like a baby or a cat, you should know I was once sent a photo of someone’s kneecap… …with the message, “This kneecap looks like Jim Gaffigan.” – And you know what? – I did look like that kneecap. But I don’t know what they were implying, you know. That I fathered a kneecap out of wedlock? That I was lonely after a show and… I went for a walk and a kneecap asked for a cigarette and… and I said I don’t smoke and… we started talking. Before you know it, the sun was coming up. I never saw that kneecap again. Now, if you think it’s humiliating… …to be told you look like the fleshy, wrinkly part of a stranger’s leg… it is. Or, uh, you know, I thought it was. And then I had this realization. I figured out what had happened. You know, it all made sense. There might be one person in here that’s like, “Jim, you’re crazy.” But I think the rest of you will see the logic here. What happened is, this kneecap person, obviously, went to a plastic surgeon… Right? And said, “I would like my kneecap to look like the most underrated comedian in America.” Right? And the plastic surgeon said, “You mean John Mulaney?” And the kneecap person said, “No, Jim Gaffigan.” And the plastic surgeon said, “I don’t know who that is.” And then the kneecap person said, “He’s kind of a pale, pudgy guy who looks like a baby or a cat.” That’s probably what happened. That’s weird. I normally get told I look like other humans though. I, uh… In Utah, I always get told I look Mormon. I didn’t even know you could look like a religion. But apparently, I do. And I’ve done research. I don’t look like one of the founders of the Mormons. I don’t look like a present leader of the Mormons. I don’t even look like a guy who could have more than one wife. I just somehow look Mormon. Of course, the Mormons no longer practice polygamy. But for a while there, a Mormon man could have more than one wife. I don’t know if that was a selling point. ‘Cause I love my wife, and I can honestly say I don’t want another one. I feel like disappointing one person is enough. Could you imagine having two spouses mad at you? And you couldn’t drink coffee? No, thanks. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m picking on Mormons. Most organized religions have negative stereotypes. Luckily, I’m Catholic, so I don’t have to worry about that, all right. Sometimes people don’t believe me. Like, “Are you really Catholic?” “No, I’m just saying that to impress you.” “I wanna come across like I have good judgment.” At this point, it’s almost like Catholics are trying to lose followers. They’re like, “What else can we do? What else?” “Why don’t we make Bill Cosby pope? Let’s try that.” Catholics have made an art of shrinking their religion. Even back to the Great Schism of 1054 where the Eastern Orthodox and the Roman Catholics split apart, the Orthodox were like, “We wanna celebrate Christmas in January.” And the Catholics were like, “We like pedophiles.” I know. That one’s hard for me too. And then there was the, uh, Protestant Reformation. You didn’t even know this is a religion history class, did you? No, there was the Protestant Reformation in the 1500s when Martin Luther, who probably thought he’d be the most famous Martin Luther… Right? He was like, “That’s it. I’m the king of Martin Luthers.” “Don’t be surprised if one day, I get my own holiday.” No, Martin Luther, he had those 95 problems, but a bitch ain’t one, right? ‘Cause at the time, the Catholic church was super corrupt. Thankfully, it’s not anymore. Some Catholics get really angry. “You’re so critical of Catholic church, why you even Catholic?” Because I believe human beings are inherently flawed. That’s one of the reasons. But mainly, I’m afraid of my wife. Huh? I don’t think there’s anything intrinsically wrong with organized religion. It’s just the human interpretation, right? Most organized religions, God’s saying a similar thing. He’s like, “I want you to love one another.” And the humans are like, “Got it, got it. He said kill gay people, so…” “Let’s get to work.” As a result, all organized religions are struggling right now. Muslims, they’re killing it. Muslims are like, “Oh, Catholics, you think you can alienate people?” “Hold my hummus.” “Let me show you how it’s done.” I’m sure some of you are looking at me like, “Hey, Jim, you look like a former Hitler Youth.” “What are your views on Judaism?” “I’d like to see you destroy your career tonight.” Well, I’m not frightened. I’ll tell you what I think. I think Judaism is perfect. There’s nothing wrong with it. And I’d like to be in more feature films. That’s… That’s some, uh… That’s some good old-fashioned pandering anti-Semitism. Really, the only organized religion, without a negative stereotype, is Buddhism. Right? You’d think more Americans would be Buddhists. ‘Cause if you look at Buddha, he kind of looks like an American. Buddha looks like someone you’d watch the game with. “Buddha always gets a keg for the playoffs.” “Buddha! Buddha!” You know, in real life, Buddha was thin. He wasn’t even a big guy. They made him heavy to make the religion more appealing. ‘Cause at that time, being heavy was a sign of success. Also at that time, being lighter-skinned was a sign of success. So back then, I would have been like Jeff Bezos, so… Bezos. Who’s your favorite billionaire-pretend astronaut? Hmm? Can you believe there’s a choice? And it’s not between just two. We live in a day when billionaires are building their own rockets to fly to outer space, and no one’s saying, “Are you sure they’re paying all their taxes?” “‘Cause I know some teachers that need supplies.” It’s like these billionaires are trying to execute the plan of a five-year-old boy. “When I grow up, I’m gonna be a bazillionaire!” “And I’m gonna build my own spaceship!” “And fly to outer space!” “Okay, Jeffrey.” “But now it’s time for bed.” I almost feel sorry for the accountants of the billionaires. ‘Cause they were like, “You had an amazing year.” “You made 40 billion dollars.” “But I fudged the numbers so it looks like you broke even.” “As long as you lay low and don’t draw attention, we should be fine.” “You got anything coming up?” “I built a rocket…” “…to fly to outer space.” “You know I meant to lay low on this planet.” “Does it matter if the rocket’s shaped like a penis?” I do enjoy the reasoning of the billionaires for going to space. They’re like, “I’m going to outer space so eventually you can go to outer space.” “I’m going so you can go.” “I don’t wanna go to outer space.” “I wanna go to Italy.” Why don’t you work on that? I saw a hitchhiker recently. You never see that anymore. Of course, we no longer refer to them as “hitchhikers.” Now we call them “murderers”. Which is what they do. They murder the nice people that give them rides. Talk about a lack of gratitude. “Thanks for picking me up.” Stab. Hitchhiking disappeared ’cause it was dangerous for both participants. Right? The hitchhiker and the driver. And, you know, at one point, there must have been like a murderer driving around looking to pick up a hitchhiker, and he picked up a hitchhiker who was also a murderer. And the driver was like, “I’m gonna kill you.” And the hitchhiker was like, “I’m gonna kill you.” And I bet they had a laugh. I bet they laughed. And then slowly but surely, “they fell in love.” “And that’s what my musical’s about.” It’s called Hitched. Flew in Thursday, uh, driving from the airport, I saw this guy on a motorcycle and he looked so happy. You know, and whenever I see a motorcycle that’s on the highway, I always have the same thought. “You’re gonna die.” “What are you doing on the highway? You’re gonna die.” And the only reason I say that is ’cause they’re gonna die. I don’t even know what the thinking is. “Well, I have to travel a long distance.” “Should I take the car or this motorized chair with no seat belt?” “If I sneeze, I’ll never walk again.” “Live to ride.” And then die! I heard the motorcycle before I saw it. We’ve all heard those loud motorcycles. “Wow, how small is his penis?” And I didn’t know that’s the reason some motorcycles are so loud is ’cause they want you to know they’re gonna die. I have friends that love motorcycles. Some women are really into bikers. They’re like, “I just like a man who’s dangerous, who can’t afford a car.” “And who’s definitely gonna die.” But bikers are fascinating, right? What a uniquely American subculture. They’re all about macho independence, right? They’re all about the independence. Like, “I just wanna be out on the road, just me and my bike, alone, with 30 other guys.” “In matching outfits.” “Riding in tandem so close, we can French-kiss each other.” He’s gonna get beat up by a marching band and a gang of bikers. Bikers are grown men who make the same phone calls of an eight-year-old boy. “You guys wanna ride bikes tonight?” “Well, I don’t wanna go alone. It’s scary out there. Ask your mommy.” The reason that’s funny is ’cause bikers are so intimidating, right? They’re angry. Bikers seem angry, and I think it’s ’cause they’re cold. Right? That vest with no shirt? That’s gotta be chilly. “Oh, I wish I had a shawl.” “Shawl and my Uggs.” “Maybe a pumpkin spice latte.” That vest with no shirt is so common among bikers. Is there like peer pressure? “Look at Curtis over there, wearing a T-shirt under his vest like a girl.” “Let’s kick his ass.” “And then kiss him.” Occasionally, you’ll see a biker giving someone a ride on the back of their motorcycle, it’s usually a woman. Guys don’t wanna ride on the back. Mm. It’s hard to get a ride on the back of a motorcycle without giving an extended intimate hug. “Let’s get out of here, Virgil.” “You smell wonderful, Virgil.” “What is that, lilac?” “You’ve been doing sit-ups, Virgil?” During the summer, occasionally, you’ll see a bicyclist on the highway. See a cyclist on the highway, they’re always dressed like they’re competing in the Tour de France. “You’re losing!” “And you’re also gonna die.” Those bicyclists, they have to settle down with the helmet design. It’s all super aerodynamic. It’s like, “You’re not going that fast.” You’re riding a bike. You’re not in the movie Tron. And put on some clothes! What’s with the spandex? Are you on your way to wrestle Blue Man Group? How many Blue Man references you’re gonna have? You ever see a bicyclist on the highway and they’re not in spandex, they’re just in regular clothes? They look like they have a DUI. Should’ve Ubered. You never see a cyclist giving someone a ride, right? There’s no room. They’re already sitting on that door handle of a seat. “I’m just gonna sit here for five hours.” “I don’t know why I can’t have children.” Right, I’m going after the cyclist. What are they gonna do? Throw their baby bottle of water at me? “I’d chase you, but for no reason at all, I’m wearing cleats.” Are those cleats necessary? You’re in a Starbucks. “Do you have oat milk?” I think it’s interesting, people who ride bicycles are called “cyclists,” but people who ride motorcycles are called “bikers”? You know, that’s just the bikers bullying the cyclists. “Hey, we’re gonna take the name ‘biker.’ You can’t use it.” And the cyclist went, “Motorcycle doesn’t even have the word ‘bike’ in it.” “We don’t care.” “Also, we’re gonna dress like that guy from the Village People.” Sun-glass guy’s like, “Well, we were gonna do that.” “No, you’re gonna dress like rhythmic gymnasts.” “Okay.” Bikers and cyclists both dress like they’re on their way to a costume party. No other form of transportation has a uniform. You never see everyone on the cruise ship dress like pirates ’cause it’s not necessary. Bikers and cyclists, both on two wheels, nothing in common. It’s like they’re trying to be different. Even the placement of the handlebars… Some cyclists have handlebars in real tight, some bikers have their handlebars way up here. “Oh, this is comfortable.” “This reminds me of my Big Wheel.” “Now I know why I have my wallet on a chain.” You never see a unicyclist on the highway. You know why? ‘Cause they’re all dead. ‘Cause I killed them. You’re welcome. Is there any bigger attention-grab than riding a unicycle? I guess a pogo stick, right? What was the pitch for the pogo stick? “It’s a stick you can jump on twice and then fall on your face.” “Interesting. If you practice, do you get better?” “Not at all, no.” “I’ll take one.” But unicyclists, they act like they don’t want the attention. They always have that super casual look on their face, but their legs are so frantic. They’re always like… “Oh, hey, what’s going on, everyone?” “Oh, I’m not doing anything.” “Does anyone have three bowling pins I could juggle?” “I could annoy you with two unnecessary skills.” That joke takes way too much effort. Oh, you may have noticed that there’s a piano on stage. And, uh, some of you may be wondering, “Hey, why would Jim Gaffigan have a piano on stage?” And… What you may not realize is that I… do not play the piano. “Jim, that was…” “Really? Did he bring the piano just for that joke?” “That’s pathetic.” Good-looking crowd here. Wow. Very good-looking. Very good-looking crowd, huh? Well, not all of you, you know. Not all of you. But I’m not breaking any news, right? We know where we stand. Yeah, we learn from such an early age. Like, I remember kindergarten, the girls would chase the cute boys at recess, and let’s just say I didn’t do a lot of running. Or any running. I remember being five years old and going, “Oh, this is how it’s gonna be.” “I’m gonna have to write some jokes.” “And I’ll be hanging out with the fellas.” I still hang out with the fellas. All right, I had a friend during the lockdown who spent the entire time planning a guys’ weekend. Every time I talk to him, he would make it sound less appealing. “Dude, this is what we’re gonna do.” “We’re gonna rent a cabin for the weekend. Just guys, no women.” “I’m already out.” “No, no, no. Think about it. Just guys, no women.” “We’ll smoke cigars, play poker all weekend.” “Sounds horrible.” “You’re not thinking it through.” “Just guys, no women, for a whole weekend, like we’re in prison.” “I look forward to it.” Every year, my brother Mitch goes on a golfing trip with 30 men. Thirty men. They fly to Florida. They rent three houses. Ten men to a house. They play golf in the morning, they eat lunch together, they play golf in the afternoon, and then they go back to the houses, I don’t know, have sex with each other. I don’t know what they do. It sounds horrible. How much fellowship can you have? My brother is not gay and, obviously, I wouldn’t care if he was. But if he ever came out, he could be like, “I gave you so many hints.” “I literally vacationed with 30 men.” “We rented out a cul-de-sac.” “We played with sticks and balls all day.” “How clear did I have to make it?” I guess the point I’m trying to make is golf makes people gay. So… So the next time a friend says, “I’m going to play golf with the fellas,” just be like, “Enjoy.” No, I prefer mixed company. I do, you know. There’s a cliché that men are dumb and I have enough male friends to know that’s based on some truth. Every man in here has that friend that they occasionally look at and wonder how they hold down a job. And if you don’t think that about a friend, that means you’re the friend. Yeah. My friend like that is Ricky. He’s a great guy. Ricky and I, one time, we went axe-throwing. Don’t know if you’ve done that. Throw an axe, you drink a beer. You try and forget our democracy is in crisis and… At one point, Ricky turned to me and he goes, “Hey, before axe-throwing, what did they use axes for?” “Uh…” “Chopping wood?” He’s like, “Really?” And I was like, “Don’t talk anymore.” And like a good friend, I ran home, turned it into a stand-up bit. And I kind of forgot about it. Then, like a month later, Ricky called me out of the blue and goes, “I did it. I did it.” “I built my own axe-throwing range in my backyard.” Yeah, he’s divorced. And… Then he immediately starts bragging. He’s like, “Yeah, now, I could throw an axe 20 yards and hit a bullseye.” I’m like, “That’s impressive.” “You know when that’s gonna come in handy? Never.” He’ll be like, “Hey, you never know.” I’m like, “No, I do know.” Even if someone broke in your house and you happen to be holding an axe, you’re not gonna be able to say, “Hey, can you come 10 feet closer?” I like having women around for many reasons, not least of which is, they’re attractive and men are not. You know? Like when a guy’s good-looking, it’s like a fluke of nature. And you know what all attractive men have in common? They kind of look like women. Right? That’s the only way straight guys can tell who’s good-looking. “Wow, he must be attractive. He barely looks like a dude.” Women are attractive and compared to men, they’re very clean. Men are gross. And make very little effort to not be gross. Like, if aliens visited Earth, they’ll be so confused. They’ll be like, “The attractive feminine gender is taking an hour to get ready and those hairy beasts are just ready?” “No wonder this planet’s always at war.” Men are gross and as they get older, grosser. When women get older, they become more elegant. As men get older, they look like they’re decomposing. You ever seen an old guy with the shirt off? He looks like the first draft of a human. What is that, a Simpsons character? Because when men get older, things stop working. The synapses stop connecting. Normally, brain’s like, “Every month, I’m gonna grow hair on this guy’s head. “Every month, I’m gonna grow hair on this guy’s head.” But one month, the brain’s like, “Every month, I’m gonna grow hair everywhere but this guy’s head.” I have hair growing in parts of my body… I don’t need. Do you wanna know why older men grow hair on weird parts of their body? That’s nature’s way of saying, “You’re done.” “Stop mating or I’m going to turn you into a throw rug.” I have some body hair, not as bad as some men, which is a relief, ’cause as you can see, I did not win the genetic lottery. I am bald, blind and pale. It wouldn’t surprise me if I woke up tomorrow with a tail. “Have you seen the comic with the tail?” “He’s very pale and the tail even has a bald spot.” I saw a guy this summer at the pool, he’s probably 60, had his shirt off. Not a lot of body hair. All body hair. For a second, I thought they were shooting a GEICO commercial. This guy was… He was so hairy I had to stop my youngest son from trying to pet him. “Let him smell your hand first, son.” This guy was hairy and he was walking around the pool with the confidence like he’d spent a lifetime dealing with hairy situations. No one said anything, but everyone had the same thought: “Please don’t go in the pool.” “No one’s prepared to see you shake dry.” And this man walked right by everyone, and he sat down next to an attractive woman. And I was so impressed. That woman could look beyond this man’s appearance and focus solely on his wallet. Whoo! But we all wanna be good-looking, right? We all wanna be chased on the playground, right? Some people go so far as to get plastic surgery. They’re like, “Oh, I don’t wanna sound desperate, but can you take a knife to my face?” “And make me pretty. Just keep cutting!” It’s kind of amazing more of us don’t get plastic surgery because we live in a beauty-obsessed society, right? There are studies. There was a Harvard study, that found that children believed good-looking people are nicer. That study also found that children are stupid. We definitely give good-looking people the benefit of the doubt. Like if a really attractive person’s quiet, we think they’re mysterious. If a fat person is quiet, we assume they’re thinking about food. And we are, we are, but there’s still a mystery. You don’t know what kind of food. All right, it’s cake. It’s always cake. But you don’t know what kind. All right, it’s red velvet. As a result, we just like being around beautiful people. You ever been out to eat and you have a waiter or waitress that’s really attractive? For a second, you’re like, “Wow, this is gonna be a good meal.” You ever have an ugly waiter, you’re like, “Should we leave?” I think that’s why buffets started. “You know what, I’ll get my own food. Thank you.” “I don’t need that mug near my entrée. You know what I mean?” “Jim, you’re a monster.” We follow good-looking people on social media, Instagram. Beautiful people have millions of followers and we like their photos and sometimes, we put a flame emoji. It’s totally socially acceptable. If you did that in real life, you’d go to jail. “Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?” “I’m following that lady.” “Uh, Can I ask why?” “I like to look at her.” “Can you give her this torch I brought her?” “And these prayer hands.” Everyone’s got to settle down with the prayer hands emoji. The overuse is ridiculous. Got a text from a friend, “See you at dinner. Prayer hands.” “No. No prayer hands. Are you not gonna make it?” “What are you suggesting? That we eat hands for dinner?” My wife is very good-looking. That’s right, I’m part of a mixed couple. It’s not fair. She’s good-looking, she’s smart, she’s creative. But you know what? Horrible taste in men. So it evens out. I’m happily married, but I would say, once a week, I catch my wife giving me a look, like, “I’m gonna have to let you go.” ‘Cause I disappoint her constantly. I do things that annoy. Like, here’s something I do that annoys my wife. I use the bathroom. I know. I shouldn’t, right? I get in trouble for not telling her I’m gonna use the bathroom. “You just disappeared. Where’d you go?” “I didn’t know I needed a hall pass.” I also get in trouble for telling her I’m gonna use the bathroom. “Uh, I’m gonna use the bathroom.” “Again?” “Are you okay?” “How many times is that today?” “You’re disgusting.” “What do you do in there?” “Mostly get away from you.” When my wife’s annoyed with me, she doesn’t give me the silent treatment. She’ll just take too long to answer a simple question. She’ll be standing a foot away, looking at her phone and I’ll be like, “What time do we have to do that school thing?” And she’ll just be like… “It’s in the calendar.” I’ll be like, “Uh, are you mad at me?” “No.” Recently, we learned that this couple that we’re friends with are getting a divorce. And not surprisingly, my wife was very upset. With me. I wasn’t surprised ’cause this wasn’t the first time something I had nothing to do with was my fault. Trump’s election, the Kavanaugh hearings, that was my fault. And I apologize ’cause I unconsciously planned the whole thing. Now, I would never describe my wife as crazy, ’cause I like to be married. But I do think it’s interesting that if a man calls another man crazy, it’s a compliment. “Here’s my buddy, Joey. He’s crazy.” Joey’s like, “Oh, you’re just being nice.” But if I was like, “This is my wife, Jeannie. She’s crazy.” I even get nervous saying that. She’s back in New York, but you never know. ‘Cause if my wife was standing here and I was like, “This is my wife, she’s crazy,” I’d be dead. And all of you would applaud. You’d be like, “Well, that was a teachable moment. Yeah.” “We learned something.” No, we’re hanging in there. By the way, if at the start of the pandemic, you were in a relationship and you’re still in that relationship, you should get money, right? Right? Because before the pandemic, if you’d hear of a couple splitting up, you were like, “Oh, no.” But during the pandemic, when you’d hear of a break up, you’re like, “Oh, of course.” You felt for the couples that stayed together. “You’re still together? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” “Co-dependency, huh?” ‘Cause it doesn’t matter how strong your relationship was. At one point during the pandemic, you looked at your partner and thought, “I think I’d rather have the coronavirus.” I know that sounds horrible, but it’s true. Everyone had that moment where they’re like, “You know, how uncomfortable is that ventilator?” “I know I wouldn’t be able to talk, but does that mean I wouldn’t be able to hear her?” “Do they have a ventilator just for the ears?” “Jim, you’re a monster.” My wife’s an amazing mother. We have five children. Can you believe that? Five children. Thank you. Thank you. It is something I regret… …’cause there’s too many of them. There’s way too many. Sometimes at dinner, I just pretend I’m hosting a reality show… …called So You Think You’re Going To College. ‘Cause they all can’t go. They all can’t go, not if I’m getting that boat. I’m kidding. Obviously, I’m not getting the boat… not until I get a motorcycle, you know. My kids find me annoying. All children find their parents annoying, which is kind of ironic, given children essentially ruined their parents’ lives. Right? Parents give their children their time, their energy and their money, and we repay our parents with resentment. Have you ever seen an adult get a phone call from one of their parents? You’d think it was a debt collector. “Ugh. It’s my mom.” “Yeah, I know you took care of me for a quarter of a century, but now is not a good time.” “You know what wasn’t a good time? Giving up my dreams… …so you could be a general disappointment.” No, I would never suggest that children are God’s punishment for having sex. But an argument could be made. And he’s up there, “Oh, they’re enjoying that way too much.” “How can I get them to pray tomorrow?” I do love being a parent. It’s the most important thing I’ll do in my life. But it’s an insane proposition. You give your children everything. You give them everything and then just one day, they leave. They’re like, “See you! Thanks for nothing.” “I’ll let you know if I need help with a mortgage.” Sometimes they don’t leave, right? They just stick around. They turn into roommates. Not going to happen in my house. I already have a backpack for each of them. They’ve seen the bags, “What’s that?” I’m like, “When you turn 18, that’s your going-away present.” “Jim, you’re a monster.” I try to be a good dad. I feel like I make more of an effort than my father. My dad’s generation, they didn’t have to do anything. My dad never went to a parent-teacher conference. My dad didn’t even know I went to school. My father couldn’t be bothered to turn his head if something was happening behind him. “What the hell’s going on back there?” I don’t know if he couldn’t turn his head or if it wasn’t worth the effort. “What the hell is going on back there?” “Oh, we’re celebrating my birthday.” “Oh, keep it down. I’m watching Ironsides.” ♪ Happy birthday ♪ ♪ To you ♪ My children give me guilt trips I wouldn’t even contemplate. Like my daughter was in a play on Thursday and Friday, so I went on Thursday night and then Friday morning, she saw me with my rolly bag and was like, “Oh, you’re not coming to my show tonight?” I’m like, “You’ve never been to one of my shows.” “I do 300 a year.” My big plan was to teach my children responsibility by selling posters after one of my shows. So I texted my teenage daughter. I’m like, “Do you wanna sell posters after my show? I’ll pay you.” She texted back, “Great, sounds good.” Then I texted my teenage son. “Do you want to sell posters after my show? I’ll pay you.” He texted back, “No thanks. I don’t need the money.” He doesn’t have any money. He has my money. I just texted back, “You’re out of the will.” I’m kidding. He was never in it. If my father asked me to do something, he wouldn’t even stick around for an answer. “You wanna shovel the driveway?” Then he’d just leave. It was understood I was gonna shovel the driveway or move out. I was kind of frightened of my dad. My children treat me like some bank teller they reluctantly have to deal with. Once a week, they just appear in front of me. “Hmm… Mom said I could get a shark… …so I guess I need your credit card.” I’m like, “What are you talking about?” “He’s yelling again, Mom!” If my dad was in a room in the house, I wouldn’t go to that side of the house. “I’ll just pee outside.” And I had all these older siblings that used to send me in there to ask questions. “Go ask Dad if we can go to Dairy Queen.” “I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it.” “Go. You’re too young to kill.” “Dad?” “What the hell do you want?” “He said, no.” When I didn’t have kids, I didn’t understand my dad at all. By the way, if you don’t have children, none of this should make sense. Or even the concept of a Saturday night. When you don’t have kids, you’re like, “Saturday!” And when you’re a parent, you’re like, “Who can we pay to come to this house… …and watch this child?” And your standards drop so dramatically. Initially, like, “They should have a PhD.” And then you’re like, “Well, how long were they in jail?” “Murder? It wasn’t children, right?” “A Satanist? You’ll fit right in.” Any parent will tell you that, like, having children has enriched their lives. It’s exposed them to things they never thought they’d do. Like kids just… You end up doing things you never thought you’d do. Like for me, going outside. You ever go outside with real little kids? You don’t even know what to do with them. You’re like, “Well, I normally just drink out here.” “Who wants to play a game of nap?” It’s weird when your kids have a friend that you’re not a fan of. “Oh, Tommy’s coming over? Well, I’ll be leaving.” “You can text me when Tommy is gone… …’cause he’s immature.” I wasn’t prepared for all the activities kids have. You pick up your kid and bring them to an activity, then to another activity. And if they don’t have an activity, you have to think of one, or they’ll smoke meth. You’re always looking for an activity as a parent. I took my kids to Ripley’s Believe It or Not. I don’t know if you’ve ever been that desperate for something to do. What can I tell you about Ripley’s Believe It or Not? It’s mostly not. It’s not interesting. It’s not even a lot of stuff. It’s like they just emptied out some drifter’s storage unit. I do admire that business model, you know. Most businesses attempt to establish trust with the customer. Not Ripley’s. Like, “Believe it… or not. We don’t care.” “We know you’re not coming back.” I’m still getting used to having teenagers. Recently, my 17-year-old daughter told me that she wants to be an actor, which is so crazy ’cause when I was that age, that movie Dead Poets Society came out, which is an amazing movie with Robin Williams, where he plays this teacher who inspires these students to seize the day, right? And one of the students wants to be an actor. And, you know, he joins the play and he invites his dad to see the play and after the play, he tells his dad that he wants to be an actor. Dad’s like, “You’re not gonna be an actor, that’s stupid. Waste of time and money…” The kid’s so distraught he kills himself, and then the teacher gets fired and all the kids stand on desks… Anyway, it’s a great movie. No, now… now that I’m the parent of a teenager, I realized that dad in Dead Poets Society was right. I’m kidding. I know the point of the movie is, “Don’t be a teacher.” My wife hates that joke so much. My kids, I don’t know what they think. I don’t even think my kids know what I do for a living. Or I should say I didn’t think they knew what I did for a living till last Halloween. My 10-year-old, Michael, didn’t know what he wanted to be for Halloween, which is a crisis. If you’re a parent, you know this. Then, like, two days before Halloween, he ran up to me and he goes, “I know what I’m gonna be for Halloween.” “I’m gonna be a stand-up comedian.” And I was so touched. I was like, “Oh, my gosh, for Halloween, you wanna be your dad.” And he goes, “No, I wanna be John Mulaney.” Slap! Right across the face. Thank you so much, you guys. Appreciate it. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-comeback-kid-2015-full-transcript/ | John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid (2015) – Transcript | john mulaney | Armed with boyish charm and a sharp wit, the former “SNL” writer John Mulaney offers sly takes on marriage, his beef with babies and the time he met Bill Clinton All right, Petunia. Wish me luck out there. You will die on August 7th, 2037. That’s pretty good. All right. Hello. Hello, Chicago. Nice to see you again. Thank you. That was very nice. Thank you. Look, now, you’re a wonderful crowd, but I need you to keep your energy up the entire show, okay? Because… No, no, no. Thank you. Some crowds… some crowds, they have big energy in the beginning and then they run out of places to go. So… I don’t judge those crowds, by the way, okay? We’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of room. We’ve all made a “Happy Birthday” sign… Wait. You get that poster board up, and you’re like, “I don’t need to trace it. I know how big letters should be. To begin with, a big-ass ‘H’. Followed by a big-ass ‘A’ and… Oh, no! Oh, God! Okay, all right. Real skinny ‘P’ with a high hump, and then we’ll put the second ‘P’ below the hump of that first ‘P’, sort of like a motorcycle sidecar situation. And now I have no room for the ‘Y’, so I’ll do a kind of curled-up noodle ‘Y’. Block letters and cursive look good together.” And then you go to write “Birthday” and you totally forget the lesson you just learned with “Happy.” You’re like, “Yeah, but the past is the past. Big-ass ‘B’. Surely more letters will fit in the same space.” You’re very friendly here in Chicago. I mean, we’re all violent here, but you’re very friendly. No, really. And I don’t like confrontation, ’cause I’ve never been in a fight before. Though, maybe you could tell that from the first moment I walked out on stage. I don’t give off that vibe. Some people give off a vibe of… Right away, they’re like, “Do not fuck with me.” My vibe is more like, “Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you.” When I walk, for real, my feet go out like this. I’m so open and vulnerable. I look like a doll that you point out molestation on. “Show us on this white comedian where the man touched you.” It’s been a while since I’ve been home to Chicago. I got married since then. Thank you. I married my wife. I love saying “my wife.” It sounds so adult. “That’s my wife.” It’s great, you sound like a person. I said it even before we were married. We were just dating, and we were once getting on an airplane, and Anna’s ticket didn’t say anything and my ticket said “priority access.” It doesn’t matter why. But we were getting on and I said, “Uh, can my wife board with me?” And they were like, “Yes, of course. Right this way.” And I was like, “Oh, that is so much better than all those times I was like, ‘Can my girlfriend come?'” And, yeah, I shouldn’t have said it that way, but still. “My wife” just has some kick-ass to it, you know? “Get away from my wife! No one talk to my wife!” Marriage is gonna be very magical. “I didn’t kill my wife!” That’s like, “Ooh, who’s that fella? I bet he did kill his wife.” Being married is so nice. I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. That’s not really a joke, that’s just a little sweet thing I like to say. ‘Cause I’d been in relationships where I got cheated on, like, long ones. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a long relationship where you got cheated on, but it changes your whole worldview. ‘Cause when I was a kid, I used to watch America’s Most Wanted. You know how kids do. And I would always think to myself, “How could another person kill someone? How could a human being kill another human being?” And then I got cheated on, and I was like, “Oh, okay.” “I’m not gonna do it, but I totally get it.” And I don’t mean in that way of, like, “No one else can have you.” I don’t care about that. It’s just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information. Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. I can’t have them roaming around. I talked to a lot of people before I got engaged, you know. And I heard this expression about whether or not you should get married. This is an old expression. People say this. They say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” You ever heard that before? It’s a bananas insulting expression… to an entire gender. But also, it makes no sense. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own. That’s not even a situation. Was that a problem at one point? Like, in the dairy community? Was that happening a hundred years ago in some village? Some Dutch prick was sneaking in at night being like, “Ah-ha-ha, I take your milk.” And the farmer was like, “Well, then, this is your cow now.” And he was like, “No, no proof of purchase.” And he ran off into the night. That sounded Dutch, right? You know what that… you know what that expression means? It means, “Why would you marry a woman if she’s already having sex with you?” Which has nothing to do with what relationships are even like anymore. Now, it’s like, “Why buy the cow?” Uh, maybe because, every day, the cow asks you when you’re gonna buy it. And… … you live in a really small apartment with the cow, so you can’t avoid that question at all. And also, the cow is way better at arguing than you are. And the cow grew up in a family that knows how to argue. “Why buy the cow?” Uh, maybe because every time another cow gets bought, you have to go to the sale and you have to sit next to your cow at the sale, and your cow looks over at you the entire time like… And does not enjoy the sale at all… even though she’s the one that wanted to go to the sale. And she’s especially mad because that farmer and cow met, like, eight months after you guys met. “Why buy the cow?” Well, let’s be real here. You’re very lucky to have the cow that you do have. “Roping in cows and getting milk out of them was never anything you were known for, John.” By the most liberal of estimates, there have been about eight cows total, several unmilked, and… a lot of people think that you like bulls, and if you just bought… They assume it. When you search your name, the third thing to come up is like, “John Mulaney bull?” And if you just bought the cow, nobody would say that anymore. They’ll still say it. ‘Cause there are those guys who, they buy a cow, and then on the side, total matador, but… But, for real, Chicago, why buy the cow? Let’s be real. Why buy the cow? Because you love her. You really do. And, yeah, yeah… Sure, she’s a bossy little Jew, but… … she takes care of you. And you don’t wanna be some old man stumbling around, like, “Hey, you seen any loose milk?” My wife is Jewish. She’s a New York Jew. I did it! Now, I was raised Catholic. I don’t know if you can tell that from the everything about me. My wife is Jewish, I grew up Catholic, so we got married by a friend. Being married by a friend is a beautiful ceremony that alienates both families’ religions, while confusing the elderly people at the wedding. “What’s the name of the bishop?” “That’s actually stand-up comedian Dan Levy. He was the host of MTV’s Your Face or Mine?” I saw a lot of Catholic weddings, though, because I was an altar boy… And a hush falls over the room. Isn’t it weird how that became a scandalous thing? That was just some boring shit I had to do on weekends. But now, it’s like saying, “I was a French maid for a period of time. I was treated well in my day. I worked for a variety of sirs.” No, being an altar boy was just a boring gig, you know? You’d serve Mass and then you’d serve weddings sometimes. My brother was once an altar boy at a wedding, and he was standing there with another altar boy in this big, packed church in Chicago where we grew up. And the bride was coming down the aisle, and the organ was playing, and all the pews were filled, and the bride got all the way to the altar, and the groom lifted the veil off of the bride, and right at that moment the other altar boy said, “Aw, she’s ugly.” And then they looked, and they were right next to the video camera. And I know that’s awful, but wouldn’t you give a million dollars to see that wedding video? It was the best moment of this stupid woman’s life, and she’s walking down the aisle, and the organ’s like… And she gets all the way to the altar to her betrothed, and he unveils her to the world and to the eyes of God. And right at that second, for no reason at all, some Cheeto-fingered, rat-mustached, 13-year-old prick decides to go, “Aw, she’s ugly!” Hopefully the videographer knew some sound editing so he could fix it to be like, “Aw, she’s beautiful. She’s enchanting.” I grew up Catholic. I don’t go to church anymore. But I went on Christmas Eve with my parents, ’cause you know how you lie to your parents. So… we go into the church and I was like, “I got this under control.” And then I got schooled because they introduced a bunch of new shit. No, I was going through Mass and I was batting, like, .400. And then in the middle of Mass, the priest said, “Peace be with you.” And everyone said, “And with your spirit.” And I was the one pre-Y2K asshole going, “And also with you. What? Huh? What? Huh? What? When? When?” For those of you that aren’t Catholic, I don’t mean to exclude you, even though we love to exclude you, but… There’s a part in church where the priest says, “Peace be with you.” And for many, many years, we all said… – “And also with you.” – Very good. But they changed it to “And with your spirit.” Because that’s what needed revamping in the Catholic Church. That was the squeaky wheel that needed the grease. In Rome, they were like, “Let’s see. What problems can we solve? Problem one. No.” I’m actually glad they changed that, though. I never liked “And also with you.” I always found that clunky. “And also with you.” That’s not how you talk. – “Have a nice day.” – “And also you having one.” It’s just a little bit wrong, isn’t it? It’s just a little off. Like, when someone’s like, “How are you?” And you’re like, “Nothing much.” And it sort of makes sense. Never begin a sentence with “And also.” You just immediately sound caught off-guard. It sounds like if at the first church ever, like, they weren’t expecting it. Like, the priest was like, “Hey, this is the first time we’ve ever had church. I just wanna say, ‘Peace be with you.'” And they were like… “What? Oh. Uh, yeah. And also you should have some.” “Hey, that’s good. Let’s keep that for 2,000 years. And then change it to trick John.” My wife and I don’t have any children, we have a dog. We have a little puppy named Petunia. She’s a tiny little French bulldog puppy. I like having a puppy that’s a bulldog, ’cause it’s like having a baby that is also a grandma. Her body is young, her face is as old as time. She definitely saw the Nazis march into Paris. She always gives me this look of like, “Oh, the things I have seen, you cocksucker. You have no idea. The Gestapo threw my printing press into a river. But, go, tell your fucking jokes. Bring me my dish.” She said that. Petunia… Petunia is my best friend in the world. I give her a million kisses a day. She does not like me, and barks at me and bites me all day long. We had to get a dog trainer into the apartment because Petunia is a bad dog. We tell her that every day. We go, “Hey, you’re bad at being a dog.” So, the trainer came into the apartment. Sorry, didn’t even walk into the apartment, walked into the threshold and went, “Oh, okay.” Like she was an exorcist or something. She said, “I see what the problem is.” She said, “Petunia has become the alpha of the house.” And then she pointed at me, she said, “You are no longer the alpha of the house.” And in the back of my head, I was like, “I was never the alpha of the house.” I turned to my wife, I was like, “Let’s pretend. It’ll be fun. Yes… My title of alpha, which I once had, how can I reclaim it? Because that was a thing that existed at one time.” She said, “You need to show dominance over your puppy.” These are things people say to me. I said, “How do I do that?” She said, “Well, let me ask you this. Who eats dinner first, you or Petunia?” I was like, “Petunia eats dinner first. She eats dinner at 5:00 p.m., ’cause she’s a foot long and two years old.” She said, “No, you need to eat dinner first. Because the king eats before anyone else eats.” Oh, yes, and what a mighty king I will be, eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon. “Look upon your sovereign, Petunia, and tremble. My lands stretch across this entire one bedroom, and I eat dinner whenever I choose, as long as it works for the schedule of a dog.” She said, “Now, you don’t actually have to eat dinner before Petunia. You just have to convince Petunia that you’ve already eaten.” So… for the past month, I shit you not… before my wife and I give Petunia her dish, we take down empty bowls and spoons, and in front of her, we go, “Mmm, dinner. Mmm, good dinner.” Like we’re space aliens in a play about human beings that they wrote, but they didn’t work that hard on. “Mmm, we’re eating dinner.” Meanwhile, Petunia’s just staring at us with her Paul Giamatti face, like… “You’re not eating dinner, cocksucker. Dish, now.” I have a wife and a dog, and we just bought a house. We have a new house. It was built in the ’20s, but it was flipped in 2014. Which means it’s haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash. Actually, we didn’t buy a house. A bank bought a house, and I’m allowed to keep my shirts and pants there while I pay it off for 30 years. The woman from the bank came over and she showed me my mortgage broken down month by month for 30 years. And she said, “So, for instance, this is what you’ll pay in July of 2029.” And I burst out laughing. I was like, “2029? That’s not a real year. By 2029, I’ll be drinking moon juice with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I’m not gonna be writing you a paper check.” I like having a house, but I loved looking for a house, ’cause I love real estate agents. I mean, they are the true heroes. They really are. Have you ever watched HGTV? Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives. Every episode of HGTV is like, “Craig and Stacia are looking for a two-story A-frame that’s near Craig’s job in the downtown, but also satisfies Stacia’s need to be near the beach which is nowhere near Craig’s job. With three children and nine on the way, and a max budget of $7… let’s see what Lori Jo can do on this week’s episode of You Don’t Deserve A Beach House.” I loved our real estate agent. It was so fun to hang out with her. It was like hanging out with my mom. ‘Cause, you know, real estate agents always look like your mom. And they have various Chico’s accoutrements. They always have kind of fun mom energy. And they’re always, “So excited to see you two.” We would have little conferences before we walked into a house. She’d go, “Let’s talk. Let’s talk before we go in.” We’re, like, two feet from the door. “So, there’s no toilets. And I know that was on your list. But I think I can get him to budge. Let’s go.” So, we’d have a real estate agent, and then, like, the house would have a real estate agent who’s just some guy sitting in a big chair. And these two always hated each other. They’d be like, “Hi, Tony.” “Hi, Kim.” It’s like, “Jesus Christ! What, were you two in the Eagles together? What is the animosity about?” Our real estate agent wanted us to have a baby more than anyone else in our lives, more than anyone in our family. She hinted about it constantly. Every room she walked into, she’d be like, “So, this could be an office.” “Or maybe a nursery.” “Yeah. No, like we said, we don’t know if we’re gonna have… ” “No, no. I know, I know, you know. You don’t know if you’re gonna have ’em, but you know. You know, you never know. Sometimes you don’t know what’s gonna happen, and then… you know, something happens.” “Well, yeah, that’s how all of life works.” “Okay, all right. Okay. Uh-huh. Mmm. This is an on-fire garbage can. Could be a nursery.” She showed me a backyard once. She goes, “I don’t even like this backyard for you.” I was like, “Oh, do tell.” She said, “It’s all pavement. I think you should have some grass out there. You know, in case you have a couple… little guys… running around in the grass.” And I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. I was like, “Hey, lady. I went outside about as much as Powder from the movie Powder. My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles. These are my children. And that’s my wife!” I didn’t mean to make it sound like we don’t want children. We don’t, but I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. See, I just don’t think babies like me very much. Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all. Like, I’ll be on an elevator, and a baby will be there in its big, like, stroller activity tray, just, like, working on one Cheerio with Bobby Fischer-like intensity. And it’ll look up at me and go… I like to lean in and go, “Stop snitchin’, motherfucker.” And then walk off. ‘Cause you’re never too young to learn our national no-snitching policy. My friends have babies and I don’t do so well with them. I had a run-in with a two-year-old girl. I know there are better ways to start that story, but… My friend, Jeremy, has this two-year-old girl, and I really like her. She’s a sweet kid. I really like his daughter a lot. But I was over at his family’s house for the Fourth of July, and he had his daughter on his knee. And it was a very lovely day. His whole extended family was there. And he was bouncing his two-year-old up and down, and he pointed at me and he said to his two-year-old, “Do you know who that is? That’s your Uncle John.” And I was like, “Oh, my God. That’s so sweet. I’m her Uncle John.” And then the baby pointed at me and said, “Uncle John has a penis.” I thank you for laughing, because no one did that day! Fell deadly silent, is what they all did. Hey, do you know what you’re supposed to say when a baby points at you and knowingly says, “He has a penis”? No, I’m asking, ’cause I don’t know what to say in that situation. Here’s what I went with that day. I said, “Oh, come on!” I don’t know. I thought that’d be good. But then it just made it worse, ’cause it sounded like the baby and I had an arrangement not to talk about it, and she had violated my trust. Like, the baby had been like, “Do you have a penis?” And I was like, “Yes, I do, but you’re a baby, so discretion is key.” And then the next day she goes, “He has a penis,” and I go, “Oh, come on! Someone can’t keep a secret!” Luckily, Jeremy’s wife saved the day. The baby’s mom saved the day. She came in and she picked up the baby, and she was like, “It’s okay. She’s just going through that phase where she says penis and vagina a lot.” Aren’t we all? And, by the way, it would’ve been a totally different situation if the baby had said vagina. Like, if a grown woman had walked in the room, and the baby had been like, “She has a vagina,” the woman could be like, “Yes, I do, and it’s magnificent.” And we would all be like, “Hooray! You are brave!” No one wants to applaud the penis of a 32-year-old weirdo. It’s fun to be married. I’ve never been supervised before. I’m supervised. She studies what I do. Like an anthropologist. She’ll be like, “Sometimes, he will watch a movie on TV even though he already owns that movie on DVD. Pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him.” I had no supervision when I was a kid. We were free to do what we wanted. But also, with that, no one cared about kids. I grew up before children were special. I did. Very early ’80s, right before children became special. Like, I remember when milk carton kids became a thing. When they were like, “Hey, we should start looking for some of these guys. I don’t think they’re just blowing off steam.” No one cared about my opinion when I was a little kid. No one cared what I thought. Sometimes, people would say, “What do you think you’re doing?” But that just meant “Stop.” They didn’t actually wanna know my thought process. They didn’t want me to be like, “Well, I was gonna put this bottle rocket into this carton of eggs, so that when I lit off the bottle rocket, the eggs would explode everywhere.” “Oh, well, that’s very interesting. And what brought you to this experiment?” “Oh, well, thank you for asking. Well… you know how I’m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time… and I have no outlet for it. So… eggs.” Your opinion doesn’t matter in elementary school either. It matters in college. College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, “I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.” And they’re like, “Partial credit.” And that’s a whole thing. But in elementary school, it doesn’t matter what you think, it just matters what you know. You have to have answers to questions. And if you say, “I don’t know,” you get an X on your test, and you get it wrong and that’s not fair, ’cause your brain has never been smaller. Also, that’s not how life works. I’m in my 30s now. If you came to me now and you were like, “Hey, John, name three things that the Stamp Act of 1775 accomplished.” I’d go, “I don’t know. Get out of my apartment,” you know? But when you’re a little kid, you can’t say, “I don’t know.” You should be able to. That should be an acceptable answer on a test. You should be able to write in, “I don’t know. I know you told me. But I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.” Or if it’s one of those true or false questions, you should be able to add a third option which is, “Who’s to say?” Kids are much more supervised now, but also, they have a lot of rights. Like, that’s the biggest civil rights increase I’ve seen in my lifetime. The rights of children have gone through the roof. I had no rights when I was a little kid. I remember, one time, I walked into a supermarket by myself, and I walked in through the double doors, and the woman behind the register just looked at me and she went, “No!” And I went, “All right.” And I turned around and left. That’s how broken I was. And there weren’t special things for kids the way there are now. Like, we would just go see movies. Any movie. Like Back to the Future. That was a movie everyone could see. Kids could kinda see it. Great movie, right? I rewatched it recently. It’s a very weird movie. Marty McFly is a 17-year-old high school student whose best friend is a disgraced nuclear physicist. And, I shit you not, they never explain how they became friends. They never explain it. Not even in a lazy way, like, “Hey, remember when we met in the science building?” They don’t even do that. And we were all fine with it. We were just like, “What, who’s his best friend? A disgraced nuclear physicist? All right, proceed.” What a strange movie to sell to be a family movie. Two guys had to go in and do that. They had to be like, “Okay… we got an idea… for the next big family-action-comedy. All right, it’s about a guy named Marty, and he’s very lazy. He’s always sleeping late.” “Okay. Is he cool like Ferris Bueller?” “No. But he does have this best friend who’s, you know, a disgraced… nuclear physicist.” “I’m confused here. This best friend, this is another student?” “No, no, no. No, this guy’s either, like, 40 or 80. Even we don’t know how old this guy’s supposed to be. But one day, the boy and the scientist, they go back in time and they build a time machine. Whoa!” “Okay. I think I see where you’re going here. They build a time machine, and they go back in time, and they stop the Kennedy assassination.” “Ah! Oh, wow, that’s a really good idea, I mean, we didn’t even think of that.” “All right, well, what do they do with the time machine?” “Well, now I’m embarrassed to say. Ah, well, all right, all right, all right. We thought… We thought it would be funny, you know, if the boy, if he went back in time and, you know, he tried to fuck his mom.” “I don’t know. We thought that’d be fun for people. But, no, good point. No, he doesn’t get to, he doesn’t get to. ‘Cause this family friend named Biff, he comes in and he tries to rape the mom in front of the son. The dad’s gotta beat the rapist off of her. And also, we’re gonna imply that a white man wrote ‘Johnny B. Goode.’ So, we’re gonna take that away from ’em.” “Well, this is the best movie idea I have ever heard in my life. We’re gonna make three of them. Now, you say they go to the past. How about we call it Back to the Past?” “No, no, no. Back to the Future.” “Right, but they go to the past.” “Yeah.” Kids have it very good now. My friend’s a teacher. She told me that, uh… the parents will take the kids’ side over the teacher now. That’s insane. That never happened. My parents trusted every grown-up… more than they trusted me. I don’t mean coaches and teachers. Any human adult’s word… was better than mine. Any hobo or drifter could have taken me by the ear up to my front door and been like, “Excuse me! Your kid bit my dick.” And my mom would be like, “John Edmund Mulaney, did you bite this nice man’s dick?” And I would be the only one who’s like, “Hey, doesn’t anyone wanna know why… his dick was near my biters… in the first place? Isn’t anyone curious… as to how I had access?” Don’t get me wrong, my parents love us. They just didn’t like us. We weren’t friends. People are now like, “My mom’s my best friend.” I was like, “Oh, is she a super bad mom?” My parents didn’t trust us, and they shouldn’t have trusted us. We were little goblins. We were terrible. I remember, one time, we were going to this resort for a vacation when we were little kids. Three weeks before we went to the resort, my dad sat us down and he said, “All right, we’re going to a resort, and I’ve just been informed that the man who owns the resort only has one arm.” And we were like, “Oh, yes! Yay! Yes!” “Now, I’m telling you three weeks in advance, so that you will not freak out when you see that he only has one arm.” “Oh, we’re gonna freak out so bad!” “Yes, John, you have a question?” “How did he lose his arm?” “That’s exactly what you won’t ask.” And then I did ask. I went into the kitchen one day, and I was like, “So, how’d you lose your arm?” And he was like, “Well, I was born with only one arm.” And I was like, “Nah.” No, my parents loved us. It’s just, like, they were the cops, you know? And we were criminals. So, we didn’t get along. We only got along in that way that, like, cops will sometimes be chummy with criminals. Like, when my dad and I would talk, it was like that scene in the movie Heat, when Robert De Niro and Al Pacino sit down in that diner. We kind of had that rapport of, like, “Hmm, we’re not so different, you and I. You have your law practice, and me, I have all these fucking markers.” “I guess we both have responsibilities when you look at it that way.” My dad would respect it if I could get away with breaking a rule. We had a rule in our house, you were not allowed to watch TV on a school night. So, every school night, I would 100% be watching TV. And I would hear my dad coming, I would immediately turn the TV off and grab any book, magazine, periodical, anything. And I’d open it and pretend to be doing homework. My dad would walk in the room and he would go, “What are you doing? Are you watching TV?” And I’d go, “No, man. I’m not watching TV.” And the TV wouldn’t even be dark yet. It would still have, like, a neon green halo around it. It’d be sizzling like a glass of Pepsi. And I would look my dad in the eyes and go, “No, I’m just reading this Yellow Pages.” My dad loved us. He just didn’t care about our general happiness or self-esteem. I remember, one time, we were really little kids. I have two sisters and a brother, and all four of us were in our family car ride for three hours going to Wisconsin. My dad was driving, going down the highway in our white van with wood around the side. ‘Cause you remember when you wanted your car to be made of wood? You remember that era? Where we were like, “How much wood can we get on this car… without it catching on fire?” But then the big announcement. “We here at Plymouth-Chrysler can put a saucy stripe of wood safely on the outside of your car, for all those times you’ve looked at your minivan and thought, ‘Huh! It needs a belt.'” So, we’re going on the highway. We’ve been on the road for three hours. And in the distance, we see a McDonald’s. We see the golden arches. And we got so excited. We started chanting, “McDonald’s! McDonald’s! McDonald’s! McDonald’s!” And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering. And then, he ordered one black coffee for himself. And kept driving. And, you know, as mad as that made me as a little kid, in retrospect, that is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. How perfect is that? He had a vanload of little kids, and he got black coffee. The one thing from McDonald’s no child could enjoy. My dad is cold-blooded. He once shushed a kid during Lion King on Broadway. That actually happened. We were at Lion King on Broadway, and there was a five-year-old behind us going, “Look, it’s Pumbaa! Look, it’s Timon!” And my dad turned around and said, “Are you going to talk the entire time?” He’s my hero. The weirdest thing when I was a kid was how much they scared us about smoking weed. They scared us about it constantly. And I’ve been on tour this year… Marijuana is legal in 18 or 19 states in some form or another. It’s insane. Yeah, well… All right, don’t “whoo” if you’re white. It’s always been legal for us. Come on, sir. We don’t go to jail for marijuana, you silly billy. When I was arrested with a one-hitter at a Rusted Root concert, I did not serve hard time. I think I got an award. Eighteen or 19 states. And, by the way, I agree, it’s a very good thing. But it’s also a really weird thing, because this is the first time I’ve ever seen a law change because the government is just like, “Fine.” You know? I’ve never seen it before. Like, gay marriage and healthcare, we have to battle it out in the Supreme Court, and be like, “Gay people are humans.” And they’re like, “We’ll think about it.” But with weed, it was just something we wanted really badly, and we kept asking them for 40 years, like, “Excuse me.” And then suddenly the government became like cool parents, and they’re just like, “Okay, here. Take a little. We’d rather you do it in the house than go somewhere else… blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Those stupid parents. And that’s a big deal because they scared us about weed constantly. It would be on our sitcoms. We’d be watching Saved by the Bell, we’d be having a great old time. And then, suddenly, a character we had not seen before would show up with some weed and the episode would stop cold in its tracks. And they’d always hold the joint… The bad guy would hold the joint in a villainous way. They’d always offer the joint in a way that no one ever holds a joint. Like it’s a skull in a Shakespeare play. And now it’s legal, and that is great news. Unless you’re a weed dealer, and then it is terrible news. And I don’t just mean because they’re about to lose out to Amazon.com. I more feel bad for weed dealers ’cause they’re about to find out that we only showed them a certain amount of politeness because they had an illegal product. And we don’t show that same politeness to people who deliver legal products. Like, when the Chinese food delivery guy comes, we don’t let him hang out after he’s delivered the Chinese food. And we don’t look the other way when he says weird shit to the girls we’re hanging out with… to try to preserve the relationship. And we definitely don’t give him some of the Chinese food. He’s never like, “Hey, can I get in on those dumplings?” And we’re like, “Yeah, we’re all friends.” What are you, on your phone? Hey, V-neck. Hey! – What’s your name? – Sam. Sam? Cool! What do you do to afford V-necks, Sam? Typing numbers. Ah… numbers, the letters of math. I’m sorry to bother you. I don’t mean to single you out. I hate when people get pulled out of the audience. Like, are you familiar with the Cirque du Soleil, Sam? They’re a group of French assholes that are slowly taking over America by humiliating audience members one by one. We once went to see Cirque du Soleil at Navy Pier when I was a kid, and my brother came, and he was 12 years old. You remember being 12, when you’re like, “No one look at me or I’ll kill myself.” And these French bastards come into the crowd, being like, “Le volunteer!” And they pulled my brother up on stage, and I was like, “No!” And they brought him up, and they reached into his sweatshirt, and they were like… And they had planted a bra, and they pulled out a bra and they were like… And everyone at Navy Pier was like “Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!” And my brother was like, “That’s great!” I have had other jobs besides comedy. I was an office temp for a while. I really miss that. I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week. And then you just get to retire like Lou Gehrig. You’re like, “Thank you. No one will ever see me again.” And they’re like, “Goodbye!” I worked at an office once on 57th Street in New York City. I was there for a couple weeks. I was in a cubicle next to this other cubicle. This woman named Mischa sat in the other cubicle. I want to get the number right. I think Mischa had… about 900,000 photos of her daughter up in her cubicle. Almost like she was trying to solve a conspiracy about her daughter, A Beautiful Mind-style. I think about Mischa two times a week… because of a phone call she had next to me one day. It was one of my first days, and I was sitting next to her. And her phone rang, and this was her call, and I’m quoting. Her phone rang and she said, “Hello? Hush!” And then she hung up. Think about that two times a week. And I didn’t know her well enough by then to be like, “Hey, what kind of a person are you?” You know? Who could she have been talking to? “Hello? Hush!” This was a place of business. My only thought was that it was the CEO of the company being like, “Mischa, help. I’m doing a crossword puzzle. I need a four-letter word for ‘be quiet’ right now.” – “Hush!” – “You’re promoted.” I temped at a little web company on 25th Street in New York City. It was a small web company owned by this old man who was old, old, old money New York. His name was Henry J. Finch IV. Like old, old, old money. Like, his money was in molasses or something. He owned this web company. I have no idea why he owned this web company. I think he won it in a rich man’s game of dice and small binoculars, or something. Mr. Finch wore linen suits. He had suspenders, he had a bow tie, he had a hat, he had a cane with an ivory handle. I’m giving you more description than you need, ’cause I need you to believe me. This was a real person I knew in the 21st century. Mr. Finch was in his 70s. He had an assistant named Mary. She was in her 50s, she was Korean. I don’t know why he had an assistant. He did not need one. Unless he needed someone to be like, “Remember, Mr. Finch, at five o’clock, you need to keep looking like a hard-boiled egg.” One day, Mr. Finch came into the office. It had been raining. Everything I’m about to say to you was said in front of me on that afternoon. Mr. Finch walked into the office, and he was wearing a raincoat, he was wearing a rain hat, and he had his cane. And he walked in and he said, and I’m quoting, “Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” And then Mary yelled, “Ooh, ducklings!” To which Mr. Finch replied, “Too old to be a duckling. Quack, quack.” And then walked into his office. I think about that every goddamn day. I mean, imagine you’re me. You’re a 22-year-old temp, and you’re so hungover, and you just wanna die every day. And then that happens in front of you, and I don’t know, gives you hope? And I did that a little fast. Let me break that conversation down for you. Mr. Finch walked in, and he began a conversation the way anyone would. “Ah!” “One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet!” The rain. “And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” Now, that’s debatable. But rather than debate that point, Mary brought up a new, separate, but interesting point… which was, “Ducklings!” But Mr. Finch, ever the realist about his own age and mortality… said, “Ah, too old to be a duckling!” As if to say, “My duckling days are behind me. Mary, don’t you see? I’m a duck now. And to prove it… Well, I’ll say just about the most famous catchphrase a duck has… ‘Quack, quack.'” And I knew right at that moment, by the way, that it meant nothing to Mr. Finch, what he had said. Crazy people are like that. They have unlimited crazy currency. Like, if I had gone into his office a couple weeks later and been like, “Hey, Finch, you remember that time you were like, ‘Too old to be a duckling. Quack, quack’?” He would just be like, “Ah, perhaps I did quack! But such is life for an old knickerbocker like me.” Like, he’d say something else crazy. That’s the wonderful thing about crazy people, you know? Is that they just have unlimited currency. The things they say mean nothing to them, but they mean everything to me. I was once walking into Penn Station in New York. I was walking down 31st Street towards Eighth Avenue. I’m walking down 31st, there’s this woman standing at Eighth and 31st. I have my little roller suitcase. You can all imagine. I’m walking towards her. She’s smoking a cigarette that is not lit anymore. She’s watching me walk, kind of scanning me up and down, as if she had Terminator vision… where she could see little bits of data, like, “Little honky ass,” and could read information. As I walked past her, she said this to me. I walked past her and she said, and I’m quoting, “Eat ass, suck a dick and sell drugs.” Very dirty, yes? A very upsetting thing to hear, yes? I’m sorry you all had to hear that, but at least you all got to hear it as a group. I was alone out there that afternoon. And she said this totally unprompted. “Eat ass, suck a dick and sell drugs.” It wasn’t like I had paused in front of her and been like, “What should I do with my life?” So, I walk away from her with this to-do list. And I like structure, I like a to-do list. It did dawn on me that that list of things does get better as it goes along, when you really think about it. ‘Cause it starts in a pretty rough place. It starts with just about the worst task a to-do list can start with. But by the end, you have your own small business. And isn’t that the American dream when all’s said and done? That if you eat enough ass and suck enough dick, one day you can sell drugs. Imagine you did all that to sell drugs and then they legalize drugs, and you were like, “But I…” This has been a real thrill to perform here, by the way. I just wanna say that in all sincerity. Thanks for coming to this. Really, really appreciate it. I wanna tell you one more story before I get out of here, about the night I met a guy named Bill Clinton. Now, I don’t… Some of you know who that is? For those of you that don’t, he was President of the United States from 1993 until 2001, and he is a smooth and fantastic hillbilly who should be declared Emperor of the United States of America. Now, I know you know who Bill Clinton is. But I was doing a show at a college, and I mentioned Bill Clinton, and, like, they kind of didn’t know who he was. Like, sorry, they knew the name, right? But they only knew this 2015 Bill Clinton, who’s a very different Bill Clinton. Have you seen his ass lately? What the hell is he trying to pull? He’s all thin now, and he wears these little tight suits, and he’s got these grandpa reading glasses, like, “Hey, I can’t do nothing to nobody no more.” “Oh, me? I’m just an old, old man. I don’t have the appetites.” You know? And he’s always flying around the world with Bill Gates trying to cure AIDS. That is not the Bill Clinton that we all signed up for 20 years ago. Our Bill Clinton was like a big, fat Buddy Garrity from Friday Night Lights-looking guy, who played the saxophone on Arsenio, and his work in the STD community was not in curing anything at that time. That was the man we all elected president. That was the Bill Clinton that I met. I got to meet Bill Clinton when he was Governor Clinton in 1992, when he was first running for president. And I got to meet Bill Clinton because my parents had gone to the same college as Bill Clinton. They’re a little younger, but they went to the same college. So, when he was first running for president, he would have all these big, like, alumni fundraisers, and everyone who went was invited to go. Now, this was really cool for a couple reasons. One, I got to meet Bill Clinton. But two, I got to watch my parents watch someone they went to school with become the president. And that is super funny to see, ’cause think about some of the people you went to school with. Now imagine they’re becoming the president. Imagine Sam was becoming the president. It would stir up strong emotions. And my parents had very different opinions on Bill Clinton. My mom loved Bill Clinton, ’cause Bill Clinton was always a really charismatic, handsome guy. I mean, think about how many women he got in the 1990s when he looked like Frank Caliendo doing John Madden. Now… imagine him as a college student. And my mom tells me that there was this sort of chivalrous policy on campus back then, where, late at night, if female students were leaving the library unaccompanied, male students were encouraged to wait out in front and offer to walk them home. That sounds good, right? So, my mom tells me that Bill Clinton would be out in front of the library every single night… just being like, “Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home?” And one night, my mom was leaving the library, and Bill Clinton was like, “Hey, can I walk ya home?” And my mom was like, “Hell, yes.” So… This is absolutely true. My mom, little Ellen Stanton, walked arm-in-arm with Bill Clinton to her dorm. And she was like, “You know, I wanted to invite him up for a beer.” And I was like, “Thanks, I’m nine.” But… her roommate was upstairs, so she lost her chance with Bill Clinton. Now, my dad, on the other hand, hated Bill Clinton, because my parents were dating during this time. And also, my dad’s a much more morally-upright, conservative kind of guy. He always told me that he hated it in college that Bill Clinton could, quote, “Get away with anything.” Can you imagine how he felt later? So, one day, this invitation arrives for a fundraiser where you could meet Bill Clinton. My mom opens it first and she goes, “Oh, we have to go. We have to go see Bill.” And without looking up at her, my dad just says, “Why? It’s not like he’s gonna remember you.” One black coffee. Same motherfucker. So, my mom says, “Fine! I’ll go and I’ll take John.” And I was like, “Hell, yeah.” And I slid in the room in my First Communion suit, ready to go. ‘Cause I loved Bill Clinton. I was ten years old. If you were a kid when Bill Clinton was first released, it was the most exciting thing ever. We’d never seen a cool politician before. And he would go on MTV, and he’d have cool answers to kids’ questions. They’d be like, “Governor, what’s your favorite food?” And he’d be like, “I don’t know, fries?” And we’d be like, “Yay, we eat fries!” I learned to play his campaign song on the piano. It was “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac… from Rumours, an album written by and for people cheating on each other. He let us know who he was right away. So, I went with my mom, as her date… to reconnect with Governor Bill Clinton. We walked into the ballroom. It was a big hotel ballroom. It was the Palmer House Hilton, big Hilton hotel ballroom. Walked into the ballroom, it was packed with people. It’s actually the ballroom from the end of the movie The Fugitive, remember? So, that ballroom. So, my mom and I walk in, it’s packed with people, the… Sorry, the end where Harrison Ford, as Dr. Richard Kimble, bursts in to confront Dr. Charles Nichols, right? Okay. So, that ballroom. So, my mom and I walk in, it’s packed with people. Why does Kimble confront Nichols? Well, I know we all know this, but… No, no. But, but, but… Kimble, he found out that Nichols, along with Devlin MacGregor and Lentz, who has mysteriously died, they had hired Frederick Sykes, the one-armed man, to kill Kimble. Kimble’s wife wasn’t even the target. I know we all know this. But they were gonna kill Kimble because he wasn’t gonna approve certain liver samples to pass RUD-90. So, Kimble finds out about all of this, and, of course, he’s furious. And he bursts into the ballroom and he goes, “You switched the samples!” And Dr. Nichols is like, “Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Dr. Richard Kimble.” What accent did that guy have, by the way? He goes, “You switched the samples! And you doctored your research! So that you could have Provasic!” Anyway, so it’s that ballroom. So, we walk into that ballroom. It was packed with people. It was packed with people. A real Who’s Not of Chicago celebrities. Walter Jacobson was there. Walter Jacobson was the local Fox anchor. He’d do fun things where he’d go undercover as a homeless person. And he’d be like, “Oh, what time is the soup?” And they’d be like, “Man, you’re Walter Jacobson.” He was there. Everybody. And on the far side of the ballroom, under a spotlight, we saw a little bit of silver hair. And it was him… Bill Clinton. The Comeback Kid. But he was surrounded by reporters, and photographers, and Secret Service. So, what are you gonna do? Well, if you’re my mom, you ball up the back of my sport coat, and you push me forward like a human shield. And then you start jogging while yelling, “This ten-year-old boy has to meet the next president of the United States!” Kind of implying that I might be dying. My feet were not on the ground. She was swinging me like a snowplow. I was just mowing down fat Chicago Democrats. I pushed past all the reporters, I pushed past all the photographers. We pushed past all the Secret Service. We land at Bill Clinton’s feet. Bill Clinton turns, looks at my mom and says, “Hey, Ellen,” ’cause he never forgets a bitch, ever. My mom melts. She goes, “Hi, Bill.” Then it is revealed that she has no plan. So… she pushes me towards Clinton and she goes, “This is my son, John, and he’s also going to be president.” And I was like, “What the hell are you talking about? I’m not gonna be president.” And I know now that I’m definitely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly. Based on my ten-year-old memory, Bill Clinton is about 13 feet tall. And he leaned down, because, well, I was wearing this button that I bought outside the fundraiser. It was a cartoon button of George H. W. Bush, and it had a quail flying over his head, and it was shitting on his head. And it said, “Bird-brained.” And I thought it was very funny. And Bill Clinton leaned down so that only I could hear and he said, “Hey, man, I like your button.” And I said, “You can do whatever you want forever.” And he took my advice. And… it was the best night of my entire life. And I got home that night… I got home that night, and my dad was still awake, like, reading angry under one lamp, just like… And I went up to him and I went, “Hey! I’m gonna be a Democrat.” “And I’m gonna vote for Bill Clinton.” And without looking up at me, my dad just said, “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.” You know, how you talk to a child. So, here’s the end of that story. That was 1992. Let’s flash forward five years to 1997. It is now 1997. I am a sophomore in high school, Bill Clinton is in his second term as president. And on the morning that the Monica Lewinsky scandal breaks on the cover of The New York Times. It had been on the Drudge Report, and then it was on the cover of The New York Times. That morning, I wake up to the newspaper hitting me in the face. I am a teenager asleep in bed, and the newspaper hits me in the face and falls open on my stomach. And I open my eyes to see my dad standing there dressed for work, and he says, “The other shoe just dropped.” And then my dad went in to work to find out that his law firm had been hired to defend Bill Clinton. Good night, Chicago. | All right. Hello. Hello, Chicago. Nice to see you again. Thank you. That was very nice. Thank you. Look, now, you’re a wonderful crowd, but I need you to keep your energy up the entire show, okay? Because… No, no, no. Thank you. Some crowds… some crowds, they have big energy in the beginning and then they run out of places to go. So… I don’t judge those crowds, by the way, okay? We’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of room. We’ve all made a “Happy Birthday” sign… Wait. You get that poster board up, and you’re like, “I don’t need to trace it. I know how big letters should be. To begin with, a big-ass ‘H’. Followed by a big-ass ‘A’ and… Oh, no! Oh, God! Okay, all right. Real skinny ‘P’ with a high hump, and then we’ll put the second ‘P’ below the hump of that first ‘P’, sort of like a motorcycle sidecar situation. And now I have no room for the ‘Y’, so I’ll do a kind of curled-up noodle ‘Y’. Block letters and cursive look good together.” And then you go to write “Birthday” and you totally forget the lesson you just learned with “Happy.” You’re like, “Yeah, but the past is the past. Big-ass ‘B’. Surely more letters will fit in the same space.” You’re very friendly here in Chicago. I mean, we’re all violent here, but you’re very friendly. No, really. And I don’t like confrontation, ’cause I’ve never been in a fight before. Though, maybe you could tell that from the first moment I walked out on stage. I don’t give off that vibe. Some people give off a vibe of… Right away, they’re like, “Do not fuck with me.” My vibe is more like, “Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you.” When I walk, for real, my feet go out like this. I’m so open and vulnerable. I look like a doll that you point out molestation on. “Show us on this white comedian where the man touched you.” It’s been a while since I’ve been home to Chicago. I got married since then. Thank you. I married my wife. I love saying “my wife.” It sounds so adult. “That’s my wife.” It’s great, you sound like a person. I said it even before we were married. We were just dating, and we were once getting on an airplane, and Anna’s ticket didn’t say anything and my ticket said “priority access.” It doesn’t matter why. But we were getting on and I said, “Uh, can my wife board with me?” And they were like, “Yes, of course. Right this way.” And I was like, “Oh, that is so much better than all those times I was like, ‘Can my girlfriend come?'” And, yeah, I shouldn’t have said it that way, but still. “My wife” just has some kick-ass to it, you know? “Get away from my wife! No one talk to my wife!” Marriage is gonna be very magical. “I didn’t kill my wife!” That’s like, “Ooh, who’s that fella? I bet he did kill his wife.” Being married is so nice. I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. That’s not really a joke, that’s just a little sweet thing I like to say. ‘Cause I’d been in relationships where I got cheated on, like, long ones. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a long relationship where you got cheated on, but it changes your whole worldview. ‘Cause when I was a kid, I used to watch America’s Most Wanted. You know how kids do. And I would always think to myself, “How could another person kill someone? How could a human being kill another human being?” And then I got cheated on, and I was like, “Oh, okay.” “I’m not gonna do it, but I totally get it.” And I don’t mean in that way of, like, “No one else can have you.” I don’t care about that. It’s just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information. Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. I can’t have them roaming around. I talked to a lot of people before I got engaged, you know. And I heard this expression about whether or not you should get married. This is an old expression. People say this. They say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” You ever heard that before? It’s a bananas insulting expression… to an entire gender. But also, it makes no sense. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own. That’s not even a situation. Was that a problem at one point? Like, in the dairy community? Was that happening a hundred years ago in some village? Some Dutch prick was sneaking in at night being like, “Ah-ha-ha, I take your milk.” And the farmer was like, “Well, then, this is your cow now.” And he was like, “No, no proof of purchase.” And he ran off into the night. That sounded Dutch, right? You know what that… you know what that expression means? It means, “Why would you marry a woman if she’s already having sex with you?” Which has nothing to do with what relationships are even like anymore. Now, it’s like, “Why buy the cow?” Uh, maybe because, every day, the cow asks you when you’re gonna buy it. And… … you live in a really small apartment with the cow, so you can’t avoid that question at all. And also, the cow is way better at arguing than you are. And the cow grew up in a family that knows how to argue. “Why buy the cow?” Uh, maybe because every time another cow gets bought, you have to go to the sale and you have to sit next to your cow at the sale, and your cow looks over at you the entire time like… And does not enjoy the sale at all… even though she’s the one that wanted to go to the sale. And she’s especially mad because that farmer and cow met, like, eight months after you guys met. “Why buy the cow?” Well, let’s be real here. You’re very lucky to have the cow that you do have. “Roping in cows and getting milk out of them was never anything you were known for, John.” By the most liberal of estimates, there have been about eight cows total, several unmilked, and… a lot of people think that you like bulls, and if you just bought… They assume it. When you search your name, the third thing to come up is like, “John Mulaney bull?” And if you just bought the cow, nobody would say that anymore. They’ll still say it. ‘Cause there are those guys who, they buy a cow, and then on the side, total matador, but… But, for real, Chicago, why buy the cow? Let’s be real. Why buy the cow? Because you love her. You really do. And, yeah, yeah… Sure, she’s a bossy little Jew, but… … she takes care of you. And you don’t wanna be some old man stumbling around, like, “Hey, you seen any loose milk?” My wife is Jewish. She’s a New York Jew. I did it! Now, I was raised Catholic. I don’t know if you can tell that from the everything about me. My wife is Jewish, I grew up Catholic, so we got married by a friend. Being married by a friend is a beautiful ceremony that alienates both families’ religions, while confusing the elderly people at the wedding. “What’s the name of the bishop?” “That’s actually stand-up comedian Dan Levy. He was the host of MTV’s Your Face or Mine?” I saw a lot of Catholic weddings, though, because I was an altar boy… And a hush falls over the room. Isn’t it weird how that became a scandalous thing? That was just some boring shit I had to do on weekends. But now, it’s like saying, “I was a French maid for a period of time. I was treated well in my day. I worked for a variety of sirs.” No, being an altar boy was just a boring gig, you know? You’d serve Mass and then you’d serve weddings sometimes. My brother was once an altar boy at a wedding, and he was standing there with another altar boy in this big, packed church in Chicago where we grew up. And the bride was coming down the aisle, and the organ was playing, and all the pews were filled, and the bride got all the way to the altar, and the groom lifted the veil off of the bride, and right at that moment the other altar boy said, “Aw, she’s ugly.” And then they looked, and they were right next to the video camera. And I know that’s awful, but wouldn’t you give a million dollars to see that wedding video? It was the best moment of this stupid woman’s life, and she’s walking down the aisle, and the organ’s like… And she gets all the way to the altar to her betrothed, and he unveils her to the world and to the eyes of God. And right at that second, for no reason at all, some Cheeto-fingered, rat-mustached, 13-year-old prick decides to go, “Aw, she’s ugly!” Hopefully the videographer knew some sound editing so he could fix it to be like, “Aw, she’s beautiful. She’s enchanting.” I grew up Catholic. I don’t go to church anymore. But I went on Christmas Eve with my parents, ’cause you know how you lie to your parents. So… we go into the church and I was like, “I got this under control.” And then I got schooled because they introduced a bunch of new shit. No, I was going through Mass and I was batting, like, .400. And then in the middle of Mass, the priest said, “Peace be with you.” And everyone said, “And with your spirit.” And I was the one pre-Y2K asshole going, “And also with you. What? Huh? What? Huh? What? When? When?” For those of you that aren’t Catholic, I don’t mean to exclude you, even though we love to exclude you, but… There’s a part in church where the priest says, “Peace be with you.” And for many, many years, we all said… – “And also with you.” – Very good. But they changed it to “And with your spirit.” Because that’s what needed revamping in the Catholic Church. That was the squeaky wheel that needed the grease. In Rome, they were like, “Let’s see. What problems can we solve? Problem one. No.” I’m actually glad they changed that, though. I never liked “And also with you.” I always found that clunky. “And also with you.” That’s not how you talk. – “Have a nice day.” – “And also you having one.” It’s just a little bit wrong, isn’t it? It’s just a little off. Like, when someone’s like, “How are you?” And you’re like, “Nothing much.” And it sort of makes sense. Never begin a sentence with “And also.” You just immediately sound caught off-guard. It sounds like if at the first church ever, like, they weren’t expecting it. Like, the priest was like, “Hey, this is the first time we’ve ever had church. I just wanna say, ‘Peace be with you.'” And they were like… “What? Oh. Uh, yeah. And also you should have some.” “Hey, that’s good. Let’s keep that for 2,000 years. And then change it to trick John.” My wife and I don’t have any children, we have a dog. We have a little puppy named Petunia. She’s a tiny little French bulldog puppy. I like having a puppy that’s a bulldog, ’cause it’s like having a baby that is also a grandma. Her body is young, her face is as old as time. She definitely saw the Nazis march into Paris. She always gives me this look of like, “Oh, the things I have seen, you cocksucker. You have no idea. The Gestapo threw my printing press into a river. But, go, tell your fucking jokes. Bring me my dish.” She said that. Petunia… Petunia is my best friend in the world. I give her a million kisses a day. She does not like me, and barks at me and bites me all day long. We had to get a dog trainer into the apartment because Petunia is a bad dog. We tell her that every day. We go, “Hey, you’re bad at being a dog.” So, the trainer came into the apartment. Sorry, didn’t even walk into the apartment, walked into the threshold and went, “Oh, okay.” Like she was an exorcist or something. She said, “I see what the problem is.” She said, “Petunia has become the alpha of the house.” And then she pointed at me, she said, “You are no longer the alpha of the house.” And in the back of my head, I was like, “I was never the alpha of the house.” I turned to my wife, I was like, “Let’s pretend. It’ll be fun. Yes… My title of alpha, which I once had, how can I reclaim it? Because that was a thing that existed at one time.” She said, “You need to show dominance over your puppy.” These are things people say to me. I said, “How do I do that?” She said, “Well, let me ask you this. Who eats dinner first, you or Petunia?” I was like, “Petunia eats dinner first. She eats dinner at 5:00 p.m., ’cause she’s a foot long and two years old.” She said, “No, you need to eat dinner first. Because the king eats before anyone else eats.” Oh, yes, and what a mighty king I will be, eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon. “Look upon your sovereign, Petunia, and tremble. My lands stretch across this entire one bedroom, and I eat dinner whenever I choose, as long as it works for the schedule of a dog.” She said, “Now, you don’t actually have to eat dinner before Petunia. You just have to convince Petunia that you’ve already eaten.” So… for the past month, I shit you not… before my wife and I give Petunia her dish, we take down empty bowls and spoons, and in front of her, we go, “Mmm, dinner. Mmm, good dinner.” Like we’re space aliens in a play about human beings that they wrote, but they didn’t work that hard on. “Mmm, we’re eating dinner.” Meanwhile, Petunia’s just staring at us with her Paul Giamatti face, like… “You’re not eating dinner, cocksucker. Dish, now.” I have a wife and a dog, and we just bought a house. We have a new house. It was built in the ’20s, but it was flipped in 2014. Which means it’s haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash. Actually, we didn’t buy a house. A bank bought a house, and I’m allowed to keep my shirts and pants there while I pay it off for 30 years. The woman from the bank came over and she showed me my mortgage broken down month by month for 30 years. And she said, “So, for instance, this is what you’ll pay in July of 2029.” And I burst out laughing. I was like, “2029? That’s not a real year. By 2029, I’ll be drinking moon juice with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I’m not gonna be writing you a paper check.” I like having a house, but I loved looking for a house, ’cause I love real estate agents. I mean, they are the true heroes. They really are. Have you ever watched HGTV? Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives. Every episode of HGTV is like, “Craig and Stacia are looking for a two-story A-frame that’s near Craig’s job in the downtown, but also satisfies Stacia’s need to be near the beach which is nowhere near Craig’s job. With three children and nine on the way, and a max budget of $7… let’s see what Lori Jo can do on this week’s episode of You Don’t Deserve A Beach House.” I loved our real estate agent. It was so fun to hang out with her. It was like hanging out with my mom. ‘Cause, you know, real estate agents always look like your mom. And they have various Chico’s accoutrements. They always have kind of fun mom energy. And they’re always, “So excited to see you two.” We would have little conferences before we walked into a house. She’d go, “Let’s talk. Let’s talk before we go in.” We’re, like, two feet from the door. “So, there’s no toilets. And I know that was on your list. But I think I can get him to budge. Let’s go.” So, we’d have a real estate agent, and then, like, the house would have a real estate agent who’s just some guy sitting in a big chair. And these two always hated each other. They’d be like, “Hi, Tony.” “Hi, Kim.” It’s like, “Jesus Christ! What, were you two in the Eagles together? What is the animosity about?” Our real estate agent wanted us to have a baby more than anyone else in our lives, more than anyone in our family. She hinted about it constantly. Every room she walked into, she’d be like, “So, this could be an office.” “Or maybe a nursery.” “Yeah. No, like we said, we don’t know if we’re gonna have… ” “No, no. I know, I know, you know. You don’t know if you’re gonna have ’em, but you know. You know, you never know. Sometimes you don’t know what’s gonna happen, and then… you know, something happens.” “Well, yeah, that’s how all of life works.” “Okay, all right. Okay. Uh-huh. Mmm. This is an on-fire garbage can. Could be a nursery.” She showed me a backyard once. She goes, “I don’t even like this backyard for you.” I was like, “Oh, do tell.” She said, “It’s all pavement. I think you should have some grass out there. You know, in case you have a couple… little guys… running around in the grass.” And I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. I was like, “Hey, lady. I went outside about as much as Powder from the movie Powder. My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles. These are my children. And that’s my wife!” I didn’t mean to make it sound like we don’t want children. We don’t, but I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. See, I just don’t think babies like me very much. Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all. Like, I’ll be on an elevator, and a baby will be there in its big, like, stroller activity tray, just, like, working on one Cheerio with Bobby Fischer-like intensity. And it’ll look up at me and go… I like to lean in and go, “Stop snitchin’, motherfucker.” And then walk off. ‘Cause you’re never too young to learn our national no-snitching policy. My friends have babies and I don’t do so well with them. I had a run-in with a two-year-old girl. I know there are better ways to start that story, but… My friend, Jeremy, has this two-year-old girl, and I really like her. She’s a sweet kid. I really like his daughter a lot. But I was over at his family’s house for the Fourth of July, and he had his daughter on his knee. And it was a very lovely day. His whole extended family was there. And he was bouncing his two-year-old up and down, and he pointed at me and he said to his two-year-old, “Do you know who that is? That’s your Uncle John.” And I was like, “Oh, my God. That’s so sweet. I’m her Uncle John.” And then the baby pointed at me and said, “Uncle John has a penis.” I thank you for laughing, because no one did that day! Fell deadly silent, is what they all did. Hey, do you know what you’re supposed to say when a baby points at you and knowingly says, “He has a penis”? No, I’m asking, ’cause I don’t know what to say in that situation. Here’s what I went with that day. I said, “Oh, come on!” I don’t know. I thought that’d be good. But then it just made it worse, ’cause it sounded like the baby and I had an arrangement not to talk about it, and she had violated my trust. Like, the baby had been like, “Do you have a penis?” And I was like, “Yes, I do, but you’re a baby, so discretion is key.” And then the next day she goes, “He has a penis,” and I go, “Oh, come on! Someone can’t keep a secret!” Luckily, Jeremy’s wife saved the day. The baby’s mom saved the day. She came in and she picked up the baby, and she was like, “It’s okay. She’s just going through that phase where she says penis and vagina a lot.” Aren’t we all? And, by the way, it would’ve been a totally different situation if the baby had said vagina. Like, if a grown woman had walked in the room, and the baby had been like, “She has a vagina,” the woman could be like, “Yes, I do, and it’s magnificent.” And we would all be like, “Hooray! You are brave!” No one wants to applaud the penis of a 32-year-old weirdo. It’s fun to be married. I’ve never been supervised before. I’m supervised. She studies what I do. Like an anthropologist. She’ll be like, “Sometimes, he will watch a movie on TV even though he already owns that movie on DVD. Pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him.” I had no supervision when I was a kid. We were free to do what we wanted. But also, with that, no one cared about kids. I grew up before children were special. I did. Very early ’80s, right before children became special. Like, I remember when milk carton kids became a thing. When they were like, “Hey, we should start looking for some of these guys. I don’t think they’re just blowing off steam.” No one cared about my opinion when I was a little kid. No one cared what I thought. Sometimes, people would say, “What do you think you’re doing?” But that just meant “Stop.” They didn’t actually wanna know my thought process. They didn’t want me to be like, “Well, I was gonna put this bottle rocket into this carton of eggs, so that when I lit off the bottle rocket, the eggs would explode everywhere.” “Oh, well, that’s very interesting. And what brought you to this experiment?” “Oh, well, thank you for asking. Well… you know how I’m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time… and I have no outlet for it. So… eggs.” Your opinion doesn’t matter in elementary school either. It matters in college. College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, “I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.” And they’re like, “Partial credit.” And that’s a whole thing. But in elementary school, it doesn’t matter what you think, it just matters what you know. You have to have answers to questions. And if you say, “I don’t know,” you get an X on your test, and you get it wrong and that’s not fair, ’cause your brain has never been smaller. Also, that’s not how life works. I’m in my 30s now. If you came to me now and you were like, “Hey, John, name three things that the Stamp Act of 1775 accomplished.” I’d go, “I don’t know. Get out of my apartment,” you know? But when you’re a little kid, you can’t say, “I don’t know.” You should be able to. That should be an acceptable answer on a test. You should be able to write in, “I don’t know. I know you told me. But I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.” Or if it’s one of those true or false questions, you should be able to add a third option which is, “Who’s to say?” Kids are much more supervised now, but also, they have a lot of rights. Like, that’s the biggest civil rights increase I’ve seen in my lifetime. The rights of children have gone through the roof. I had no rights when I was a little kid. I remember, one time, I walked into a supermarket by myself, and I walked in through the double doors, and the woman behind the register just looked at me and she went, “No!” And I went, “All right.” And I turned around and left. That’s how broken I was. And there weren’t special things for kids the way there are now. Like, we would just go see movies. Any movie. Like Back to the Future. That was a movie everyone could see. Kids could kinda see it. Great movie, right? I rewatched it recently. It’s a very weird movie. Marty McFly is a 17-year-old high school student whose best friend is a disgraced nuclear physicist. And, I shit you not, they never explain how they became friends. They never explain it. Not even in a lazy way, like, “Hey, remember when we met in the science building?” They don’t even do that. And we were all fine with it. We were just like, “What, who’s his best friend? A disgraced nuclear physicist? All right, proceed.” What a strange movie to sell to be a family movie. Two guys had to go in and do that. They had to be like, “Okay… we got an idea… for the next big family-action-comedy. All right, it’s about a guy named Marty, and he’s very lazy. He’s always sleeping late.” “Okay. Is he cool like Ferris Bueller?” “No. But he does have this best friend who’s, you know, a disgraced… nuclear physicist.” “I’m confused here. This best friend, this is another student?” “No, no, no. No, this guy’s either, like, 40 or 80. Even we don’t know how old this guy’s supposed to be. But one day, the boy and the scientist, they go back in time and they build a time machine. Whoa!” “Okay. I think I see where you’re going here. They build a time machine, and they go back in time, and they stop the Kennedy assassination.” “Ah! Oh, wow, that’s a really good idea, I mean, we didn’t even think of that.” “All right, well, what do they do with the time machine?” “Well, now I’m embarrassed to say. Ah, well, all right, all right, all right. We thought… We thought it would be funny, you know, if the boy, if he went back in time and, you know, he tried to fuck his mom.” “I don’t know. We thought that’d be fun for people. But, no, good point. No, he doesn’t get to, he doesn’t get to. ‘Cause this family friend named Biff, he comes in and he tries to rape the mom in front of the son. The dad’s gotta beat the rapist off of her. And also, we’re gonna imply that a white man wrote ‘Johnny B. Goode.’ So, we’re gonna take that away from ’em.” “Well, this is the best movie idea I have ever heard in my life. We’re gonna make three of them. Now, you say they go to the past. How about we call it Back to the Past?” “No, no, no. Back to the Future.” “Right, but they go to the past.” “Yeah.” Kids have it very good now. My friend’s a teacher. She told me that, uh… the parents will take the kids’ side over the teacher now. That’s insane. That never happened. My parents trusted every grown-up… more than they trusted me. I don’t mean coaches and teachers. Any human adult’s word… was better than mine. Any hobo or drifter could have taken me by the ear up to my front door and been like, “Excuse me! Your kid bit my dick.” And my mom would be like, “John Edmund Mulaney, did you bite this nice man’s dick?” And I would be the only one who’s like, “Hey, doesn’t anyone wanna know why… his dick was near my biters… in the first place? Isn’t anyone curious… as to how I had access?” Don’t get me wrong, my parents love us. They just didn’t like us. We weren’t friends. People are now like, “My mom’s my best friend.” I was like, “Oh, is she a super bad mom?” My parents didn’t trust us, and they shouldn’t have trusted us. We were little goblins. We were terrible. I remember, one time, we were going to this resort for a vacation when we were little kids. Three weeks before we went to the resort, my dad sat us down and he said, “All right, we’re going to a resort, and I’ve just been informed that the man who owns the resort only has one arm.” And we were like, “Oh, yes! Yay! Yes!” “Now, I’m telling you three weeks in advance, so that you will not freak out when you see that he only has one arm.” “Oh, we’re gonna freak out so bad!” “Yes, John, you have a question?” “How did he lose his arm?” “That’s exactly what you won’t ask.” And then I did ask. I went into the kitchen one day, and I was like, “So, how’d you lose your arm?” And he was like, “Well, I was born with only one arm.” And I was like, “Nah.” No, my parents loved us. It’s just, like, they were the cops, you know? And we were criminals. So, we didn’t get along. We only got along in that way that, like, cops will sometimes be chummy with criminals. Like, when my dad and I would talk, it was like that scene in the movie Heat, when Robert De Niro and Al Pacino sit down in that diner. We kind of had that rapport of, like, “Hmm, we’re not so different, you and I. You have your law practice, and me, I have all these fucking markers.” “I guess we both have responsibilities when you look at it that way.” My dad would respect it if I could get away with breaking a rule. We had a rule in our house, you were not allowed to watch TV on a school night. So, every school night, I would 100% be watching TV. And I would hear my dad coming, I would immediately turn the TV off and grab any book, magazine, periodical, anything. And I’d open it and pretend to be doing homework. My dad would walk in the room and he would go, “What are you doing? Are you watching TV?” And I’d go, “No, man. I’m not watching TV.” And the TV wouldn’t even be dark yet. It would still have, like, a neon green halo around it. It’d be sizzling like a glass of Pepsi. And I would look my dad in the eyes and go, “No, I’m just reading this Yellow Pages.” My dad loved us. He just didn’t care about our general happiness or self-esteem. I remember, one time, we were really little kids. I have two sisters and a brother, and all four of us were in our family car ride for three hours going to Wisconsin. My dad was driving, going down the highway in our white van with wood around the side. ‘Cause you remember when you wanted your car to be made of wood? You remember that era? Where we were like, “How much wood can we get on this car… without it catching on fire?” But then the big announcement. “We here at Plymouth-Chrysler can put a saucy stripe of wood safely on the outside of your car, for all those times you’ve looked at your minivan and thought, ‘Huh! It needs a belt.'” So, we’re going on the highway. We’ve been on the road for three hours. And in the distance, we see a McDonald’s. We see the golden arches. And we got so excited. We started chanting, “McDonald’s! McDonald’s! McDonald’s! McDonald’s!” And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering. And then, he ordered one black coffee for himself. And kept driving. And, you know, as mad as that made me as a little kid, in retrospect, that is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. How perfect is that? He had a vanload of little kids, and he got black coffee. The one thing from McDonald’s no child could enjoy. My dad is cold-blooded. He once shushed a kid during Lion King on Broadway. That actually happened. We were at Lion King on Broadway, and there was a five-year-old behind us going, “Look, it’s Pumbaa! Look, it’s Timon!” And my dad turned around and said, “Are you going to talk the entire time?” He’s my hero. The weirdest thing when I was a kid was how much they scared us about smoking weed. They scared us about it constantly. And I’ve been on tour this year… Marijuana is legal in 18 or 19 states in some form or another. It’s insane. Yeah, well… All right, don’t “whoo” if you’re white. It’s always been legal for us. Come on, sir. We don’t go to jail for marijuana, you silly billy. When I was arrested with a one-hitter at a Rusted Root concert, I did not serve hard time. I think I got an award. Eighteen or 19 states. And, by the way, I agree, it’s a very good thing. But it’s also a really weird thing, because this is the first time I’ve ever seen a law change because the government is just like, “Fine.” You know? I’ve never seen it before. Like, gay marriage and healthcare, we have to battle it out in the Supreme Court, and be like, “Gay people are humans.” And they’re like, “We’ll think about it.” But with weed, it was just something we wanted really badly, and we kept asking them for 40 years, like, “Excuse me.” And then suddenly the government became like cool parents, and they’re just like, “Okay, here. Take a little. We’d rather you do it in the house than go somewhere else… blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Those stupid parents. And that’s a big deal because they scared us about weed constantly. It would be on our sitcoms. We’d be watching Saved by the Bell, we’d be having a great old time. And then, suddenly, a character we had not seen before would show up with some weed and the episode would stop cold in its tracks. And they’d always hold the joint… The bad guy would hold the joint in a villainous way. They’d always offer the joint in a way that no one ever holds a joint. Like it’s a skull in a Shakespeare play. And now it’s legal, and that is great news. Unless you’re a weed dealer, and then it is terrible news. And I don’t just mean because they’re about to lose out to Amazon.com. I more feel bad for weed dealers ’cause they’re about to find out that we only showed them a certain amount of politeness because they had an illegal product. And we don’t show that same politeness to people who deliver legal products. Like, when the Chinese food delivery guy comes, we don’t let him hang out after he’s delivered the Chinese food. And we don’t look the other way when he says weird shit to the girls we’re hanging out with… to try to preserve the relationship. And we definitely don’t give him some of the Chinese food. He’s never like, “Hey, can I get in on those dumplings?” And we’re like, “Yeah, we’re all friends.” What are you, on your phone? Hey, V-neck. Hey! – What’s your name? – Sam. Sam? Cool! What do you do to afford V-necks, Sam? Typing numbers. Ah… numbers, the letters of math. I’m sorry to bother you. I don’t mean to single you out. I hate when people get pulled out of the audience. Like, are you familiar with the Cirque du Soleil, Sam? They’re a group of French assholes that are slowly taking over America by humiliating audience members one by one. We once went to see Cirque du Soleil at Navy Pier when I was a kid, and my brother came, and he was 12 years old. You remember being 12, when you’re like, “No one look at me or I’ll kill myself.” And these French bastards come into the crowd, being like, “Le volunteer!” And they pulled my brother up on stage, and I was like, “No!” And they brought him up, and they reached into his sweatshirt, and they were like… And they had planted a bra, and they pulled out a bra and they were like… And everyone at Navy Pier was like “Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!” And my brother was like, “That’s great!” I have had other jobs besides comedy. I was an office temp for a while. I really miss that. I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week. And then you just get to retire like Lou Gehrig. You’re like, “Thank you. No one will ever see me again.” And they’re like, “Goodbye!” I worked at an office once on 57th Street in New York City. I was there for a couple weeks. I was in a cubicle next to this other cubicle. This woman named Mischa sat in the other cubicle. I want to get the number right. I think Mischa had… about 900,000 photos of her daughter up in her cubicle. Almost like she was trying to solve a conspiracy about her daughter, A Beautiful Mind-style. I think about Mischa two times a week… because of a phone call she had next to me one day. It was one of my first days, and I was sitting next to her. And her phone rang, and this was her call, and I’m quoting. Her phone rang and she said, “Hello? Hush!” And then she hung up. Think about that two times a week. And I didn’t know her well enough by then to be like, “Hey, what kind of a person are you?” You know? Who could she have been talking to? “Hello? Hush!” This was a place of business. My only thought was that it was the CEO of the company being like, “Mischa, help. I’m doing a crossword puzzle. I need a four-letter word for ‘be quiet’ right now.” – “Hush!” – “You’re promoted.” I temped at a little web company on 25th Street in New York City. It was a small web company owned by this old man who was old, old, old money New York. His name was Henry J. Finch IV. Like old, old, old money. Like, his money was in molasses or something. He owned this web company. I have no idea why he owned this web company. I think he won it in a rich man’s game of dice and small binoculars, or something. Mr. Finch wore linen suits. He had suspenders, he had a bow tie, he had a hat, he had a cane with an ivory handle. I’m giving you more description than you need, ’cause I need you to believe me. This was a real person I knew in the 21st century. Mr. Finch was in his 70s. He had an assistant named Mary. She was in her 50s, she was Korean. I don’t know why he had an assistant. He did not need one. Unless he needed someone to be like, “Remember, Mr. Finch, at five o’clock, you need to keep looking like a hard-boiled egg.” One day, Mr. Finch came into the office. It had been raining. Everything I’m about to say to you was said in front of me on that afternoon. Mr. Finch walked into the office, and he was wearing a raincoat, he was wearing a rain hat, and he had his cane. And he walked in and he said, and I’m quoting, “Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” And then Mary yelled, “Ooh, ducklings!” To which Mr. Finch replied, “Too old to be a duckling. Quack, quack.” And then walked into his office. I think about that every goddamn day. I mean, imagine you’re me. You’re a 22-year-old temp, and you’re so hungover, and you just wanna die every day. And then that happens in front of you, and I don’t know, gives you hope? And I did that a little fast. Let me break that conversation down for you. Mr. Finch walked in, and he began a conversation the way anyone would. “Ah!” “One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet!” The rain. “And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” Now, that’s debatable. But rather than debate that point, Mary brought up a new, separate, but interesting point… which was, “Ducklings!” But Mr. Finch, ever the realist about his own age and mortality… said, “Ah, too old to be a duckling!” As if to say, “My duckling days are behind me. Mary, don’t you see? I’m a duck now. And to prove it… Well, I’ll say just about the most famous catchphrase a duck has… ‘Quack, quack.'” And I knew right at that moment, by the way, that it meant nothing to Mr. Finch, what he had said. Crazy people are like that. They have unlimited crazy currency. Like, if I had gone into his office a couple weeks later and been like, “Hey, Finch, you remember that time you were like, ‘Too old to be a duckling. Quack, quack’?” He would just be like, “Ah, perhaps I did quack! But such is life for an old knickerbocker like me.” Like, he’d say something else crazy. That’s the wonderful thing about crazy people, you know? Is that they just have unlimited currency. The things they say mean nothing to them, but they mean everything to me. I was once walking into Penn Station in New York. I was walking down 31st Street towards Eighth Avenue. I’m walking down 31st, there’s this woman standing at Eighth and 31st. I have my little roller suitcase. You can all imagine. I’m walking towards her. She’s smoking a cigarette that is not lit anymore. She’s watching me walk, kind of scanning me up and down, as if she had Terminator vision… where she could see little bits of data, like, “Little honky ass,” and could read information. As I walked past her, she said this to me. I walked past her and she said, and I’m quoting, “Eat ass, suck a dick and sell drugs.” Very dirty, yes? A very upsetting thing to hear, yes? I’m sorry you all had to hear that, but at least you all got to hear it as a group. I was alone out there that afternoon. And she said this totally unprompted. “Eat ass, suck a dick and sell drugs.” It wasn’t like I had paused in front of her and been like, “What should I do with my life?” So, I walk away from her with this to-do list. And I like structure, I like a to-do list. It did dawn on me that that list of things does get better as it goes along, when you really think about it. ‘Cause it starts in a pretty rough place. It starts with just about the worst task a to-do list can start with. But by the end, you have your own small business. And isn’t that the American dream when all’s said and done? That if you eat enough ass and suck enough dick, one day you can sell drugs. Imagine you did all that to sell drugs and then they legalize drugs, and you were like, “But I…” This has been a real thrill to perform here, by the way. I just wanna say that in all sincerity. Thanks for coming to this. Really, really appreciate it. I wanna tell you one more story before I get out of here, about the night I met a guy named Bill Clinton. Now, I don’t… Some of you know who that is? For those of you that don’t, he was President of the United States from 1993 until 2001, and he is a smooth and fantastic hillbilly who should be declared Emperor of the United States of America. Now, I know you know who Bill Clinton is. But I was doing a show at a college, and I mentioned Bill Clinton, and, like, they kind of didn’t know who he was. Like, sorry, they knew the name, right? But they only knew this 2015 Bill Clinton, who’s a very different Bill Clinton. Have you seen his ass lately? What the hell is he trying to pull? He’s all thin now, and he wears these little tight suits, and he’s got these grandpa reading glasses, like, “Hey, I can’t do nothing to nobody no more.” “Oh, me? I’m just an old, old man. I don’t have the appetites.” You know? And he’s always flying around the world with Bill Gates trying to cure AIDS. That is not the Bill Clinton that we all signed up for 20 years ago. Our Bill Clinton was like a big, fat Buddy Garrity from Friday Night Lights-looking guy, who played the saxophone on Arsenio, and his work in the STD community was not in curing anything at that time. That was the man we all elected president. That was the Bill Clinton that I met. I got to meet Bill Clinton when he was Governor Clinton in 1992, when he was first running for president. And I got to meet Bill Clinton because my parents had gone to the same college as Bill Clinton. They’re a little younger, but they went to the same college. So, when he was first running for president, he would have all these big, like, alumni fundraisers, and everyone who went was invited to go. Now, this was really cool for a couple reasons. One, I got to meet Bill Clinton. But two, I got to watch my parents watch someone they went to school with become the president. And that is super funny to see, ’cause think about some of the people you went to school with. Now imagine they’re becoming the president. Imagine Sam was becoming the president. It would stir up strong emotions. And my parents had very different opinions on Bill Clinton. My mom loved Bill Clinton, ’cause Bill Clinton was always a really charismatic, handsome guy. I mean, think about how many women he got in the 1990s when he looked like Frank Caliendo doing John Madden. Now… imagine him as a college student. And my mom tells me that there was this sort of chivalrous policy on campus back then, where, late at night, if female students were leaving the library unaccompanied, male students were encouraged to wait out in front and offer to walk them home. That sounds good, right? So, my mom tells me that Bill Clinton would be out in front of the library every single night… just being like, “Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home?” And one night, my mom was leaving the library, and Bill Clinton was like, “Hey, can I walk ya home?” And my mom was like, “Hell, yes.” So… This is absolutely true. My mom, little Ellen Stanton, walked arm-in-arm with Bill Clinton to her dorm. And she was like, “You know, I wanted to invite him up for a beer.” And I was like, “Thanks, I’m nine.” But… her roommate was upstairs, so she lost her chance with Bill Clinton. Now, my dad, on the other hand, hated Bill Clinton, because my parents were dating during this time. And also, my dad’s a much more morally-upright, conservative kind of guy. He always told me that he hated it in college that Bill Clinton could, quote, “Get away with anything.” Can you imagine how he felt later? So, one day, this invitation arrives for a fundraiser where you could meet Bill Clinton. My mom opens it first and she goes, “Oh, we have to go. We have to go see Bill.” And without looking up at her, my dad just says, “Why? It’s not like he’s gonna remember you.” One black coffee. Same motherfucker. So, my mom says, “Fine! I’ll go and I’ll take John.” And I was like, “Hell, yeah.” And I slid in the room in my First Communion suit, ready to go. ‘Cause I loved Bill Clinton. I was ten years old. If you were a kid when Bill Clinton was first released, it was the most exciting thing ever. We’d never seen a cool politician before. And he would go on MTV, and he’d have cool answers to kids’ questions. They’d be like, “Governor, what’s your favorite food?” And he’d be like, “I don’t know, fries?” And we’d be like, “Yay, we eat fries!” I learned to play his campaign song on the piano. It was “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac… from Rumours, an album written by and for people cheating on each other. He let us know who he was right away. So, I went with my mom, as her date… to reconnect with Governor Bill Clinton. We walked into the ballroom. It was a big hotel ballroom. It was the Palmer House Hilton, big Hilton hotel ballroom. Walked into the ballroom, it was packed with people. It’s actually the ballroom from the end of the movie The Fugitive, remember? So, that ballroom. So, my mom and I walk in, it’s packed with people, the… Sorry, the end where Harrison Ford, as Dr. Richard Kimble, bursts in to confront Dr. Charles Nichols, right? Okay. So, that ballroom. So, my mom and I walk in, it’s packed with people. Why does Kimble confront Nichols? Well, I know we all know this, but… No, no. But, but, but… Kimble, he found out that Nichols, along with Devlin MacGregor and Lentz, who has mysteriously died, they had hired Frederick Sykes, the one-armed man, to kill Kimble. Kimble’s wife wasn’t even the target. I know we all know this. But they were gonna kill Kimble because he wasn’t gonna approve certain liver samples to pass RUD-90. So, Kimble finds out about all of this, and, of course, he’s furious. And he bursts into the ballroom and he goes, “You switched the samples!” And Dr. Nichols is like, “Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Dr. Richard Kimble.” What accent did that guy have, by the way? He goes, “You switched the samples! And you doctored your research! So that you could have Provasic!” Anyway, so it’s that ballroom. So, we walk into that ballroom. It was packed with people. It was packed with people. A real Who’s Not of Chicago celebrities. Walter Jacobson was there. Walter Jacobson was the local Fox anchor. He’d do fun things where he’d go undercover as a homeless person. And he’d be like, “Oh, what time is the soup?” And they’d be like, “Man, you’re Walter Jacobson.” He was there. Everybody. And on the far side of the ballroom, under a spotlight, we saw a little bit of silver hair. And it was him… Bill Clinton. The Comeback Kid. But he was surrounded by reporters, and photographers, and Secret Service. So, what are you gonna do? Well, if you’re my mom, you ball up the back of my sport coat, and you push me forward like a human shield. And then you start jogging while yelling, “This ten-year-old boy has to meet the next president of the United States!” Kind of implying that I might be dying. My feet were not on the ground. She was swinging me like a snowplow. I was just mowing down fat Chicago Democrats. I pushed past all the reporters, I pushed past all the photographers. We pushed past all the Secret Service. We land at Bill Clinton’s feet. Bill Clinton turns, looks at my mom and says, “Hey, Ellen,” ’cause he never forgets a bitch, ever. My mom melts. She goes, “Hi, Bill.” Then it is revealed that she has no plan. So… she pushes me towards Clinton and she goes, “This is my son, John, and he’s also going to be president.” And I was like, “What the hell are you talking about? I’m not gonna be president.” And I know now that I’m definitely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly. Based on my ten-year-old memory, Bill Clinton is about 13 feet tall. And he leaned down, because, well, I was wearing this button that I bought outside the fundraiser. It was a cartoon button of George H. W. Bush, and it had a quail flying over his head, and it was shitting on his head. And it said, “Bird-brained.” And I thought it was very funny. And Bill Clinton leaned down so that only I could hear and he said, “Hey, man, I like your button.” And I said, “You can do whatever you want forever.” And he took my advice. And… it was the best night of my entire life. And I got home that night… I got home that night, and my dad was still awake, like, reading angry under one lamp, just like… And I went up to him and I went, “Hey! I’m gonna be a Democrat.” “And I’m gonna vote for Bill Clinton.” And without looking up at me, my dad just said, “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.” You know, how you talk to a child. So, here’s the end of that story. That was 1992. Let’s flash forward five years to 1997. It is now 1997. I am a sophomore in high school, Bill Clinton is in his second term as president. And on the morning that the Monica Lewinsky scandal breaks on the cover of The New York Times. It had been on the Drudge Report, and then it was on the cover of The New York Times. That morning, I wake up to the newspaper hitting me in the face. I am a teenager asleep in bed, and the newspaper hits me in the face and falls open on my stomach. And I open my eyes to see my dad standing there dressed for work, and he says, “The other shoe just dropped.” And then my dad went in to work to find out that his law firm had been hired to defend Bill Clinton. Good night, Chicago. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/ | Dave Chappelle: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript | dave chappelle | Original air date: November 07, 2020 [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen — Dave Chappelle! [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] Thank you all for being here. [Cheers and applause] Pretty incredible day. [Cheers and applause] You know, you know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous. I should tell you that. You can’t tell, but, all inside. I was thinking about a person I never actually met, but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather, who apparently, by all accounts, was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was a slave for ten years of his life. And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children, and he learned how to read. Got enamored with education and dedicated his life to three things: Education, freedom of black people, Jesus Christ. Became a juggernaut in the AME Church. It was a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had, and I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now. And I wish he could see me, because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host the Saturday Night Live. Netflix started streaming a show that bears his name, The Chappelle Show. And HBO Max is streaming it. And I didn’t get paid for any of it. [Laughter] Yeah, if he could see me now he’d probably be like, “this n i g g a got bought and sold more than I have.” [Laughter] [applause] This morning after the results came in, got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.” And I said, “That’s great, but America doesn’t. [Laughter] Do you guys remember what life was like before Covid? I do. There was a mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank god for Covid. [Laughter] Someone had to lock these murderous whites up, keep them in the house. [Laughter and applause] All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in a small town in Ohio. And a lot of these small towns in America was dying. My town was dying. So what I did is I did shows in my neighbor’s cornfield, and these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town. Ain’t that something? [Cheers and applause] And the local farmers, my neighbors, started to complain that my shows were too noisy. In a cornfield! [Laughter] Too noisy in a cornfield. I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in the cornfield. It was so embarrassing. [Laughter] I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough, they don’t know anything. They probably watch me right now, they are probably at home like, “HONEY, COME QUICK, COME QUICK, THE GUY FROM THE GROCERY STORE IS ON TELEVISION!” [Laughter] “No, you big dummy. The guy from television is at the grocery store.” [Laughter]
[cheers and applause] Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. You ever heard of that website? Farmersonly.com. A website that begs the question, what kind of bitch only smashes with farmers? [Laughter] That’s gross. They had a whole Zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting, I was just listening, managed to hear them talk about me. They’re saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children to bed. And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids are trying to sleep, and all they hear is the “n” word.” I said, “Was I saying it, or were you?” [Laughter and applause] Hear that twang in his voice. You know that twang where you hear that accent, like “Oooh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.” [Laughter] I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing masks. What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to the Walmart too. [Moans and applause] Wear your Klan hood at Walmart so we can all feel safe. [Laughter] In a state like in Ohio, for instance, right, people make more money from their stimulus checks than they do if they work. So a lot of people don’t wanna work. You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. Well, you a black fellow, you a young fellow, though, you don’t know about Ronald Reagan. You remember what Ronald Reagan used to say about black people, how we’re welfare people, and drug addicts? Who does that sound like now? [Laughter] Stimulus checks, the heroin. And the rest of the country is trying to move forward, and these white n i g g a s keep holding us back. [Cheers and applause] Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s oppressive. Try wearing the mask I been wearing all these years! I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it. You guys aren’t ready. You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. Black people, we’re the only ones that know how to survive this. Whites come, hurry, quick, come get your n i g g a lessons. [Laughter] You need us. You need our eyes to save you from yourselves. Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together? There was just white people alone in the club dancing? You ever seen that old footage? How did they look? [Laughter] This is what they look like at the back! You need some black eyes to look at you like — “Uh-uh! Hmmm, stop doin that.” [Laughter] Now Trump is gone. [Cheers and applause] A lot of people don’t like him, but I thought the guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I look at it like, there’s bad people on both sides? [Light laughter] All right, just trying it out. [Laughter] Called the coronavirus the kung flu. I said, you racist — hilarious son of a bitch. I’m supposed to say that, not you! [Laughter] It’s wrong when you say it. Saw him on a press conference one time, Donald Trump’s a wild guy, you ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of the coronavirus in front of the whole world. It’s a wild thing to do. “What about a very powerful light? Directly in the body?” I say, what? Did this man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane! He went further. “What about some bleach? Some bleach directly in your body.” I said, oh, boy. Secret service is gonna have to childproof the White House now, he’s gonna try to drink the bleach! “Mr. President, don’t touch that stove, it’s hot. Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house like this, Mr. President.” [Laughter] Scariest part about that — one of the leading virologists in the world was sitting as close as you are to me, and she just watched him say it. It was crazy. Her face was looking like, “He might be right.” [Laughter] I saw that, I said, “Oh, that’s why — that’s why. That’s why women make half.” [Moans and laughter] Did I trigger you? [Laughter] I don’t know what it is. Half, maybe 70%, whatever it is, it’s too much. [Laughter] I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a woke meeting in here. [Laughter] And after all of that you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus. Wasn’t that something? [Laughter] You know, when he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news. But you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. [Laughter] It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddie Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?” [Laughter]
[applause] This guy’s running around like the outbreak monkey. Looked like a 1970s penis, raw-dogging earth. [Laughter] The day after, he made fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen!” Which is a ridiculous thing — Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t any bigger than everybody else’s mask, Mr. President. [Laughter] Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good health care plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage. Helicopter picked him up. [Laughter] Right in his front yard. Helicopter came. Remember that video? He’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one wanted to be around him. Usually he’s walking to the helicopter with a bunch of people. No one’s around him this time, because you know, you know, he had the rona. [Laughter] Had his mask on then, didn’t he? He’s walking. [Laughter] Helicopter took him to Walter Reed hospital. You know, I’m from D.C. and I got to tell you, Walter Reed is not close to the White House, but you can walk. [Laughter] Team of doctors was waiting for him, all the doctors came around, gave him experimental medicine and stuff, and flew him back home in the helicopter. And then he walked right up the steps — you ever seen this video? — he took his mask off, saluted the helicopter, and then he walked right in the house, killed four more people. [Laughter] I said, 700 dollars and 50 cents in taxes goes a long way, doesn’t it, sir? [Laughter] Some cold stuff, man. That’s some cold stuff. That would be like me going to the homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and saying, “These is mines.” [Laughter] And then just start eating in front of all the homeless. “Don’t let hunger dictate your life!” [Laughter]
[applause] That was cold, man. Meanwhile, Chris Christie‘s fat ass is in the ICU, fighting for his life. [Laughter] Chris Christie got all the fixins. Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that’s what’s in Chris Christie’s body. Fat, check. Asthma, check. Diabetes, check. Coronavirus like, mmm-mmm! Herman Cain‘s black ass has been dead for two weeks! Where’s his secret serum? That’s your leader! Think about that. For four years. That’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man. And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but I’ve been black a longtime, I’ve noticed a pattern…[Laughter] But if you’re a good white, and you actually want to help, then join me. I’m not even joking. This is my plan. It’s called the kindness conspiracy. Random acts of kindness for black people. Do something nice for a black person — just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. [Laughter] It’s a very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. The same way all them years they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black — and they didn’t deserve it. If you driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on the corner, selling crack, destroying his community… buy him an ice cream. Just buy him some ice cream. He’ll be suspicious… but he’ll take it. [Laughter]
[cheers and applause] I would implore everybody who’s celebrating a day to remember, it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago? Remember how bad that felt? Remember that half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping. Because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they are mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t. Let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you, I know how that feels. If you’re a police officer, and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you’ve got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them — Oh, man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest you fight through. You got to find a way to live your life. You got to find a way to forgive each other. You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that — come get these n i g g a lessons. Thank you very much and good night! [Cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ I think the transcription is wrong on the last sentence. I hear “– come get these nigger lessons”, and not, “come get this nigga’s lessons”. I think that conveys a different meaning. I heard it as you heard it, Paul. A larger social point about living as that caste, referring back to all the points Mr. Chappelle had been empathizing with, in no way self-aggrandizing or threatening. I hear it that way, too. Thanks for the feedback Paul, I amended the line. Listened to the video while editing your transcript and fixed many innacuracies.
……..
[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen — Dave Chappelle! [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] Thank you all for being here. [Cheers and applause] Pretty incredible day. [Cheers and applause] You know, you know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous. I should tell you that. You can’t tell, but, all inside. I was thinking about a person I never actually met, but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather, who apparently, by all accounts, was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was a slave for ten years of his life. And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children, and he learned how to read. Got enamored with education and dedicated his life to three things: Education, freedom of black people, Jesus Christ. Became a juggernaut in the AME Church. It was a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had, and I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now. And I wish he could see me, because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host Saturday Night Live. Netflix started streaming a show that bears his name, The Chappelle Show. And HBO Max is streaming it. And I didn’t get paid for any of it. [Laughter] Yeah, if he could see me now he’d probably be like, “this nigga got bought and sold more than I have.” [Laughter] [applause] This morning after the results came in, got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.” And I said, “That’s great, but America doesn’t.” [Laughter] Do you guys remember what life was like before Covid? I do. There was a mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank god for Covid. [Laughter] Someone had to lock these murderous whites up, keep them in the house. [Laughter and applause] All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in a small town in Ohio. And a lot of these small towns in America was dying. My town was dying. So what I did is I did shows in my neighbor’s cornfield, and these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town. Ain’t that something? [Cheers and applause] And the local farmers, my neighbors, started to complain that my shows were too noisy. In a cornfield! [Laughter] Too noisy in a cornfield. I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in the cornfield. It was so embarrassing. [Laughter] And I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough, they don’t know anything. They probably watch me right now, they are probably at home like, “HONEY, COME QUICK, COME QUICK, THE GUY FROM THE GROCERY STORE IS ON TELEVISION!” [Laughter] “No, you big dummy. The guy from television is at the grocery store.” [Laughter] [cheers and applause] Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. You ever heard of that website? Farmersonly.com. A website that begs the question, what kind of bitch only smashes with farmers? [Laughter] That’s gross. They had a whole Zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting, I was just listening, managed to hear them talk about me. They’re saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children to bed. And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids are trying to sleep, and all they hear is the “n” word.” I said, “Was I saying it, or were you?” [Laughter and applause] Hear that twang in his voice. You know that twang where you hear that accent, like, “Oooh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.” [Laughter] I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing masks. What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to Walmart too. [Moans and applause] Wear your Klan hood at Walmart so we can all feel safe. [Laughter] In a state like Ohio, for instance, right, people make more money from their stimulus checks than they do if they work. So a lot of people don’t wanna work. You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. Well, you a black fellow, you a young fellow, though, you don’t know about Ronald Reagan. You remember what Ronald Reagan used to say about black people, how we’re welfare people, and drug addicts? Who does that sound like now? [Laughter] Stimulus checks, the heroin. And the rest of the country is trying to move forward, and these white niggas keep holding us back. [Cheers and applause] Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s oppressive. Try wearing the mask I been wearing all these years! I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it. You guys aren’t ready. You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. Black people, we’re the only ones that know how to survive this. Whites come, hurry, quick, come get your nigga lessons. [Laughter] You need us. You need our eyes to save you from yourselves. Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together? There was just white people alone in the club dancing? You ever seen that old footage? How did they look? [Laughter] This is what they look like at the back! You need some black eyes to look at you like — “Uh-uh! Hmmm, stop doin that.” [Laughter] Now Trump is gone. [Cheers and applause] You know, I know a lot of people don’t like him, but I thought the guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I look at it like, there’s bad people on both sides? [Light laughter] All right, just trying it out. [Laughter] Called the coronavirus the kung flu. I said, you racist — hilarious son of a bitch. I’m supposed to say that, not you! [Laughter] It’s wrong when you say it. Saw him on a press conference one time. Donald Trump’s a wild guy, you ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of the coronavirus in front of the whole world. It’s a wild thing to do. “What about a very powerful light? Directly in the body?” I say, what? Did this man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane! He went further. “What about some bleach? Some bleach directly in your body.” I said, oh, boy. Secret service is gonna have to childproof the White House now, he’s gonna try to drink the bleach! “Mr. President, don’t touch that stove, it’s hot. Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house like this, Mr. President.” [Laughter] Scariest part about that – one of the leading virologists in the world was sitting as close as you are to me, and she just watched him say it. It was crazy. Her face was looking like, “He might be right.” [Laughter] I saw that, I said, “Oh, that’s why — that’s why. That’s why women make half.” [Moans and laughter] Did I trigger you? [Laughter] I don’t know what it is. Half, maybe 70%, whatever it is, it’s too much. [Laughter] I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a woke meeting in here. [Laughter] And after all of that you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus. Wasn’t that something? [Laughter] You know, when he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news. But you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. [Laughter] It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddie Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?” [Laughter] [applause] This guy’s running around like the outbreak monkey. Looked like a 1970s penis, raw-dogging earth. [Laughter] The day after, he made fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen!” Which is a ridiculous thing – Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t any bigger than anybody else’s mask, Mr. President. [Laughter] Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good health care plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage. Helicopter picked him up. [Laughter] Right in his front yard. Helicopter came. Remember that video? He’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one wanted to be around him. Usually he’s walking to the helicopter with a bunch of people. No one’s around him this time, because you know, you know, he had the rona. [Laughter] Had his mask on then, didn’t he? He’s walking. [Laughter] Helicopter took him to Walter Reed hospital. You know, I’m from D.C. and I got to tell you, Walter Reed is not close to the White House, but you can walk. [Laughter] Team of doctors was waiting for him, all the doctors came around, gave him experimental medicine and stuff, and flew him back home in the helicopter. And then he walked right up the steps – you ever seen this video? – he took his mask off, saluted the helicopter, and then he walked right in the house, killed four more people. [Laughter] I said, 700 dollars and 50 cents in taxes goes a long way, doesn’t it, sir? [Laughter] Some cold stuff, man. That’s some cold stuff. That would be like me going to the homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and saying, “These is mines.” [Laughter] And then just start eating in front of all the homeless. “Don’t let hunger dictate your life!” [Laughter] [applause] That was cold, man. Meanwhile, Chris Christie‘s fat ass was in the ICU, fighting for his life. [Laughter] Chris Christie got all the fixins. Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that’s what’s in Chris Christie’s body. Fat, check. Asthma, check. Diabetes, check. Coronavirus like, mmm-mmm! Herman Cain‘s black ass has been dead for two weeks! Where’s his secret serum? That’s your leader! Think about that. For four years. That’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man. And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but I’ve been black a longtime, I’ve noticed a pattern. [Laughter] But if you’re a good white, and you actually want to help, then join me. I’m not even joking. This is my plan. It’s called the kindness conspiracy. Random acts of kindness for black people. Do something nice for a black person – just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. [Laughter] It’s a very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. The same way all them years they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black – and they didn’t deserve it. If you driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on the corner, selling crack, destroying his community…buy him an ice cream. Just buy him some ice cream. He’ll be suspicious but he’ll take it. [Laughter] [cheers and applause] I would implore everybody who’s celebrating a day to remember, it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago? Remember how bad that felt? Remember that half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping. Because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they’re mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t. Let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you, I know how that feels. If you’re a police officer, and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you’ve got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them – Oh, man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest you fight through. You got to find a way to live your life. You got to find a way to forgive each other. You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that — come get these nigga lessons. Thank you very much and good night! [Cheers and applause] Many thanks for the work done. This gave me the opportunity to watch the show once more. You’ve been spot on indeed and I corrected the inaccuracies. All the best. Thanks for this! I just watched it today for the first time and I was thinking how my brother who is currently incarcerated would enjoy this. I think I can print it off and mail to him. It will lift his spirits. | [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] Thank you all for being here. [Cheers and applause] Pretty incredible day. [Cheers and applause] You know, you know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous. I should tell you that. You can’t tell, but, all inside. I was thinking about a person I never actually met, but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather, who apparently, by all accounts, was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was a slave for ten years of his life. And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children, and he learned how to read. Got enamored with education and dedicated his life to three things: Education, freedom of black people, Jesus Christ. Became a juggernaut in the AME Church. It was a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had, and I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now. And I wish he could see me, because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host Saturday Night Live. Netflix started streaming a show that bears his name, The Chappelle Show. And HBO Max is streaming it. And I didn’t get paid for any of it. [Laughter] Yeah, if he could see me now he’d probably be like, “this nigga got bought and sold more than I have.” [Laughter] [applause] This morning after the results came in, got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.” And I said, “That’s great, but America doesn’t.” [Laughter] Do you guys remember what life was like before Covid? I do. There was a mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank god for Covid. [Laughter] Someone had to lock these murderous whites up, keep them in the house. [Laughter and applause] All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in a small town in Ohio. And a lot of these small towns in America was dying. My town was dying. So what I did is I did shows in my neighbor’s cornfield, and these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town. Ain’t that something? [Cheers and applause] And the local farmers, my neighbors, started to complain that my shows were too noisy. In a cornfield! [Laughter] Too noisy in a cornfield. I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in the cornfield. It was so embarrassing. [Laughter] And I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough, they don’t know anything. They probably watch me right now, they are probably at home like, “HONEY, COME QUICK, COME QUICK, THE GUY FROM THE GROCERY STORE IS ON TELEVISION!” [Laughter] “No, you big dummy. The guy from television is at the grocery store.” [Laughter] [cheers and applause] Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. You ever heard of that website? Farmersonly.com. A website that begs the question, what kind of bitch only smashes with farmers? [Laughter] That’s gross. They had a whole Zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting, I was just listening, managed to hear them talk about me. They’re saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children to bed. And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids are trying to sleep, and all they hear is the “n” word.” I said, “Was I saying it, or were you?” [Laughter and applause] Hear that twang in his voice. You know that twang where you hear that accent, like, “Oooh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.” [Laughter] I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing masks. What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to Walmart too. [Moans and applause] Wear your Klan hood at Walmart so we can all feel safe. [Laughter] In a state like Ohio, for instance, right, people make more money from their stimulus checks than they do if they work. So a lot of people don’t wanna work. You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. Well, you a black fellow, you a young fellow, though, you don’t know about Ronald Reagan. You remember what Ronald Reagan used to say about black people, how we’re welfare people, and drug addicts? Who does that sound like now? [Laughter] Stimulus checks, the heroin. And the rest of the country is trying to move forward, and these white niggas keep holding us back. [Cheers and applause] Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s oppressive. Try wearing the mask I been wearing all these years! I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it. You guys aren’t ready. You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. Black people, we’re the only ones that know how to survive this. Whites come, hurry, quick, come get your nigga lessons. [Laughter] You need us. You need our eyes to save you from yourselves. Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together? There was just white people alone in the club dancing? You ever seen that old footage? How did they look? [Laughter] This is what they look like at the back! You need some black eyes to look at you like — “Uh-uh! Hmmm, stop doin that.” [Laughter] Now Trump is gone. [Cheers and applause] You know, I know a lot of people don’t like him, but I thought the guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I look at it like, there’s bad people on both sides? [Light laughter] All right, just trying it out. [Laughter] Called the coronavirus the kung flu. I said, you racist — hilarious son of a bitch. I’m supposed to say that, not you! [Laughter] It’s wrong when you say it. Saw him on a press conference one time. Donald Trump’s a wild guy, you ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of the coronavirus in front of the whole world. It’s a wild thing to do. “What about a very powerful light? Directly in the body?” I say, what? Did this man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane! He went further. “What about some bleach? Some bleach directly in your body.” I said, oh, boy. Secret service is gonna have to childproof the White House now, he’s gonna try to drink the bleach! “Mr. President, don’t touch that stove, it’s hot. Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house like this, Mr. President.” [Laughter] Scariest part about that – one of the leading virologists in the world was sitting as close as you are to me, and she just watched him say it. It was crazy. Her face was looking like, “He might be right.” [Laughter] I saw that, I said, “Oh, that’s why — that’s why. That’s why women make half.” [Moans and laughter] Did I trigger you? [Laughter] I don’t know what it is. Half, maybe 70%, whatever it is, it’s too much. [Laughter] I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a woke meeting in here. [Laughter] And after all of that you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus. Wasn’t that something? [Laughter] You know, when he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news. But you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. [Laughter] It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddie Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?” [Laughter] [applause] This guy’s running around like the outbreak monkey. Looked like a 1970s penis, raw-dogging earth. [Laughter] The day after, he made fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen!” Which is a ridiculous thing – Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t any bigger than anybody else’s mask, Mr. President. [Laughter] Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good health care plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage. Helicopter picked him up. [Laughter] Right in his front yard. Helicopter came. Remember that video? He’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one wanted to be around him. Usually he’s walking to the helicopter with a bunch of people. No one’s around him this time, because you know, you know, he had the rona. [Laughter] Had his mask on then, didn’t he? He’s walking. [Laughter] Helicopter took him to Walter Reed hospital. You know, I’m from D.C. and I got to tell you, Walter Reed is not close to the White House, but you can walk. [Laughter] Team of doctors was waiting for him, all the doctors came around, gave him experimental medicine and stuff, and flew him back home in the helicopter. And then he walked right up the steps – you ever seen this video? – he took his mask off, saluted the helicopter, and then he walked right in the house, killed four more people. [Laughter] I said, 700 dollars and 50 cents in taxes goes a long way, doesn’t it, sir? [Laughter] Some cold stuff, man. That’s some cold stuff. That would be like me going to the homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and saying, “These is mines.” [Laughter] And then just start eating in front of all the homeless. “Don’t let hunger dictate your life!” [Laughter] [applause] That was cold, man. Meanwhile, Chris Christie‘s fat ass was in the ICU, fighting for his life. [Laughter] Chris Christie got all the fixins. Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that’s what’s in Chris Christie’s body. Fat, check. Asthma, check. Diabetes, check. Coronavirus like, mmm-mmm! Herman Cain‘s black ass has been dead for two weeks! Where’s his secret serum? That’s your leader! Think about that. For four years. That’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man. And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but I’ve been black a longtime, I’ve noticed a pattern. [Laughter] But if you’re a good white, and you actually want to help, then join me. I’m not even joking. This is my plan. It’s called the kindness conspiracy. Random acts of kindness for black people. Do something nice for a black person – just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. [Laughter] It’s a very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. The same way all them years they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black – and they didn’t deserve it. If you driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on the corner, selling crack, destroying his community…buy him an ice cream. Just buy him some ice cream. He’ll be suspicious but he’ll take it. [Laughter] [cheers and applause] I would implore everybody who’s celebrating a day to remember, it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago? Remember how bad that felt? Remember that half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping. Because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they’re mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t. Let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you, I know how that feels. If you’re a police officer, and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you’ve got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them – Oh, man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest you fight through. You got to find a way to live your life. You got to find a way to forgive each other. You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that — come get these nigga lessons. Thank you very much and good night! [Cheers and applause] Many thanks for the work done. This gave me the opportunity to watch the show once more. You’ve been spot on indeed and I corrected the inaccuracies. All the best. Thanks for this! I just watched it today for the first time and I was thinking how my brother who is currently incarcerated would enjoy this. I think I can print it off and mail to him. It will lift his spirits. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-this-is-me-now-transcript/ | JIM JEFFERIES: THIS IS ME NOW (2018) – Full transcript | jim jefferies | Jim Jefferies returns to Netflix with his third Netflix Original stand-up special, Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now. Performing at the Eventim Apollo in London, the comedian and host of The Jim Jefferies Show unapologetically keeps it real when he opens up about the challenges of being a single father, reflects on the time someone tried to unsuccessfully extort him for money with a sex tape, and the weirdest gig he’s ever played. * * * [rock music playing] [audience cheering] [audience applauding and cheering] Hello, London! [audience cheering] That’s my town. Uh… This is my second home. [audience cheering] I lived here for ten years. I love London. I actually recorded a couple of specials here before. When I lived here, I was broke. I had no fucking money. And maybe like 12 years ago, I signed a contract for five comedy specials for £90,000 with a record label over here, which, when you’re broke… sounds like a really good fucking deal, right? I had no money and someone offered me £90,000, I was like, “Fuck, yeah,” for five comedy specials. But that is the worst deal in record history. Five comedy specials for £90,000. Anyway, I was locked in. I recorded one, and then I got offered an HBO special in America. And so I went back to my record label over here, and I said, “Hey, here’s the deal. I just got offered a big deal in America. What I’ll do is I’ll go over there, I’ll do the special then I’ll come back and do the other four specials with you.” And then my record label here went, “You can’t do that. You’re contracted to us,” and I went, “Oh, that’s a shame.” [audience laughing] Then I got on a plane and I went to America. And then HBO said, “You sorted that contract problem out, didn’t ya?” And I went, “I sure did.” And then I did the HBO special and then my record label here sued me for £200,000, which is like, $300,000 American, right? But it doesn’t matter, because HBO paid me $50,000, so… [audience laughing] So, you gotta spend money to make money, you know? So I was a little bit in the hole. I had spent a lot of that earlier money on drugs already. So now I’m… I’m poor and famous. See, everybody wants to be rich and famous. And rich and famous is fucking amazing. Poor and famous sucks dicks. Have you ever been in a pound store and been famous? That’s… So anyways, I’m poor and famous, right? So I have sex with this American woman… Consensually! I asked her. She said yes, she enjoyed herself. Anyway… So I had sex with this woman, and she thought, ’cause I was on the TV, that I had money. So she tried to extort me for $50,000. She goes, “I have a sex tape of yours, and I’m going to sell it.” And I went, “Fucking try.” [audience laughing] “I don’t know what the market is for the podgy, pale Australian guy who lasts a minute and a half, but see what you can fuckin’ get.” Then she goes, “Well, I have a photo of you doing cocaine.” And I went, “Everyone does! I’ve done cocaine off photos of me doing cocaine.” [audience laughing] “And you want to extort me? Why don’t you get a picture of me being nice to my mother or opening a door for a woman or something off-brand?” Now, I used to do a lot of misogynistic jokes. I’m not going to do as many of those. I’ll do some. [audience laughing and cheering] There’s a lot of problems at the moment. There’s a lot of guys that are raping people, and a lot of people in the entertainment business are going down, some for more offensive things than others, you know, but… I’m nervous. You know, I… I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, but between the hours of nine and nine, I’m pretty blacked out. Anyway, so… Like, if James Bond was a real person, he’d be super fucking nervous right now. [audience laughing] James Bond would be showing up to work, like, “I’m here to see Q.” “Actually, you’re here to see HR.” [grumbles] “We have 472 complaints from a Miss Moneypenny.” Ah! “Two Russian operatives say you used their power against them and had sex with them.” “I was trying to get information. You’re welcome.” There’s been like, Kevin Spacey went down. Kevin Spacey, he went down, and he goes… He goes, his defense was, “It’s probably a good time to mention that I’m gay.” And we were like, “What? Kevin, say it’s not true.” Um… Yeah, Kevin gets a bit grabby. [audience laughing] From all reports, he reaches, he touches your dick outside your jeans. For a little bit. He’s a dick grabber. We all have that gay friend, don’t we? We all have that gay friend that every time you’re drunk, you’re like, “Get out of it, don’t touch my dick.” And they’re like, “I’ll get you next time,” I’m like, “I’m sure you will, but not today.” But he paid the price, as people should when they do things wrong. He paid the price. You know, he had a great career, and Netflix, the network we’re on right now, they fired him, and rightfully so. And he lost his job as a fake president. [audience laughing] Yet there is an actual president… with four times as many allegations… who still has his fucking job. [audience cheering] We have a guy… who said, and I quote… “I love women… when I see them, I kiss them. I don’t even ask. I can’t help myself. I grab ’em by the pussy. When you’re famous… they let you.” [audience laughing] Now, I’m famous. And when I heard that, I went out and I gave it a go. And I gotta tell you, they don’t let you! You women are a sensitive bunch. Moody, if you will. Now… [audience laughing] The term “Grab ’em by the pussy,” as soon as that happened, I started tweeting and saying in interviews jokes about it. And people started writing me saying, “Yes, well, you’ve said worse things,” and I have, and this evening, I will say worse things. And that’s why I agree that I shouldn’t be president of the United States of America. [audience laughing and applauding] I’m not qualified. Don’t use me as your moral benchmark.
Do you think I’m offended by the term “Grab ’em by the pussy”? I’m not offended by it. I’m confused as fuck. [audience laughing] I’ve never heard those words grouped together into a fucking sentence. If he said, “I grab ’em by the tit,” I know what a tit-grab entails. I can picture a tit-grab. I’m fully aware of what’s going on there. “I grab their ass,” I know that. Even if it was weird, like “I grab ’em by the head,” I can picture a head-grab. “Grab ’em by the pussy,” you see… the pussy is an inward thing. [audience laughing] If I said to you right now, “I met a girl, I grabbed her by the belly button.” How fucking confused are you? You’d be like, “Did you poke it?” I’d be like, “Nah… I didn’t poke it. I grabbed the whole thing. Keep up!” [audience laughing] Like, if he said, “I palm their pussy,” I can picture a pussy-palming. Like if he just scooped his hand over. Or if he fingered a pussy. We’ve all fingered a pussy, whether it be our own or someone else’s. But to grab a pussy… that’s gotta be one fucking meaty, low-hanging fruit fucking pussy. That’s gotta be a pussy that’s just given birth, is prolapsed. They haven’t put the stitches in yet. Maybe that’s what he does. Maybe he goes around to maternity wards and goes, “Congratulations! It’s a beautiful child. Don’t worry about it. I’m famous.” [audience laughing and cheering] This has taken up far too much space in my brain. I’ve been thinking about pussy grabbing for over a year now. Like, he says they don’t mind. What is the scenario… where you can grab a pussy… and no one minds? I guess it has to be in a private area, ’cause you can’t do it in the general public, because for the most part pussy grabbing is “frowned upon.” If I jumped into the crowd right now and grabbed a pussy… you’d all be like, “Stop that, Jim.” [audience laughing] “Get back on stage. Finish the show.” So I’ve thought of every scenario, I’ve thought of every available option on how to grab a pussy where everything’s fine. This is the only one I can think of, right? Okay, the woman has to feel comfortable and safe. So I picture a woman who’s like, she’s in her own garden. [audience laughing] She’s feeling good. It’s her garden. She feels safe, it’s a secluded garden. There’s fucking hedges and shit. She’s wearing a mini-skirt, no underwear. She doesn’t give a fuck. It’s her garden. And she’s gardening. She’s tending to soil. [audience laughing] She’s potting a plant. And then you, the celebrity… [audience laughing] You have to creep into the garden, almost cartoonishly, just… Then you get your hand like that, so devil horns open up, flip around. [audience laughing] Now you want to be a real good pussy grabber, ’cause you’re only going to get one shot at this. and that thumb’s going straight into the asshole. So you’re like, “Bang!” Right, to begin with, she’s shocked. “What the fuck’s going on?” While she’s in that state of shock, lift her up, she’s on her toes. She’s not going anywhere. She’s upset, but then she turns around, “Oh, you’re famous,” and everything’s fine. [audience laughing and cheering] Now, I don’t want to spend too much time talking about American politics while I’m here. You’ve got your own issues. [audience laughing] All right, look… I know you broke away from the European Union. I don’t understand what happened. I know it’s mixed, the opinion. I don’t know what’s going on, but then when I talk to you people, you don’t fucking know what’s going on, either. I’ve never seen something happening in a country, where you’re all like, “No idea what’s happening.” [audience laughing] There’s so many things. Like, do you get rid of the European people who are living here? Or, like… in your hospitals, you have 250,000 nurses who are from like Spain and France and all that type of bullshit, right? Do you get rid of those people? And if you do do that, do you get back all the British people… who live in Spain and France and all that? ‘Cause I gotta be honest, they’re not your best people. [audience laughing and applauding] Right? Like… you should have a TV show every night called One In, One Out. [audience laughing] And it’s like, “And who are we getting rid of today? Okay, well, first of all, we’re getting rid of Rosita. Rosita is a nurse who took care of the elderly, who incidentally voted her out. And…” [audience cheering] “And who are we getting back? We’re getting… Barry!” [audience laughing] “Barry’s a cab driver who won ten grand on a scratchy and moved to Majorca.” Feels like a fair swap you got there. See, immigrants are good. You wanna have them, man. You wanna have them. Unless they’re fucking Mexicans. [yells] I live in LA, you wouldn’t believe the problems we have with Mexicans. Fucking dirty Mexicans. They come over the border, and they’re taking all the good jobs. They can’t even speak English, they’re taking all the good jobs. I don’t know how they do it, but they do. [audience laughing] Sometimes I look at my son, and I think… “If only he could pick fruit someday.” [audience laughing] I have this woman who cleans my house twice a week. You wouldn’t believe the amount of white people who applied for that job. Oh! They were queued around the fucking block, and I was like, “Get the fuck away from my house. I don’t like explaining everything twice.” [yells] [audience laughing] [chuckles] This is what Trump reckons. Trump reckons that the Mexicans… are coming over the border… and they’re raping. I don’t know how, though. It just doesn’t feel like the opportune time. [audience laughing] You’re trying to flee a country, you’re dehydrated, you’re in the desert. [audience laughing] That would be the last thing on my mind, but that’s because I’m not as sneaky as a Mexican. “They’re coming over the border and they’re raping.” Sure, maybe some of them. You know, maybe. But some of every nationality rapes. It’s not like it’s a Mexican thing. It’s not like if you go to a really authentic Mexican restaurant… [audience laughing] And there’s like a fucking sombrero and a piñata, and you walk in with your wife and kids, like, “This is very nice. This is a lovely restaurant.” Then, a waiter takes you away from your family… [audience laughing] Off to the special Mexican closet. You come back out, your ass is like a Japanese flag. [audience laughing] You look at your wife, and you’re like, “Why do we keep coming here? Every week. If the food wasn’t so good…” It’s not a Mexican thing. Sure, some of them are rapey. Every nationality rapes. You have British rapists, you have Australian rapists, or Australia wouldn’t exist in its current state. There’s… [audience laughing] There’s probably a Canadian rapist, one fella. Polite bloke. You know, a nice bloke. Where you’re going for a jog, and he just drags you into some bushes, like, [imitating Canadian accent] “I’m so sorry about this. I’m so sorry.” I won’t be too long. I don’t want to ruin your day.” [audience laughing] That’s why I do believe there should be a wall. There should be a wall… on the Canadian border. [audience laughing] So that when the Americans run out of health care, they can’t crawl over into Canada. I think the Canadians should just make the wall three foot high. [audience laughing] Just to take the piss. [audience laughing] So that when the Americans are crawling over, because their lungs are filled with coal from getting all their jobs back. [audience laughing] Like, who the fuck… wants their job back in the coal mine? Like, what the fuck is… They’re like, “We’re gonna get our coal mining jobs back.” What the fuck? I didn’t even know coal was still a thing. As soon as Trump said it, I’m like, “Is this is a fucking Dickens novel? What the fuck?” And why the fuck do these people deserve to have a job? What, because their dad had a job, and their grandfather had the same fucking job, and their great-great grandpappy… Have some fucking dreams, you low aspirational fuck. [audience laughing] And they say things, they’re just like this, like, “If the coal mine shuts down, then the whole town will shut down.” Yeah, fuck your town. Fuck it. [audience laughing] Fuck it. In my lifetime, the population of the world has gone from three billion to seven billion, and no one wants to move to your fucking town. Take a fucking hint. [audience laughing] No, it’s good. No hecklers, happy. I don’t like the hecklers. I was doing the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland. I have to say Scotland, ’cause American people are watching. Um… I was doing the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland, and I was performing in front of about 400 people. I was doing a routine I’ve done in one of my older specials that I don’t do any more, about how you have to baptize your children, because if you don’t baptize your children, and they die in infancy, then they don’t get into Heaven. Because God’s a good guy… [audience laughing] but he does have some rules. And if he lets one dead baby into Heaven, then he has to let all the dead babies into Heaven. And before you know it, Heaven’s just filled with fucking dead babies. [audience laughing and cheering]
So I’m on stage kicking dead babies around, as you do at work. And this woman in the fourth row, very attractive, but she’s in hysterics. She’s crying, her eyes are bawling, and she just stands up and goes… [imitating Scottish accent] “You fucking bastard! You bastard!” And then she just leaves the room just in hysterics. [screams] I’m still fucking mid-kick, like… [audience laughing] And then her husband stands up… and he picks up her handbag, and he holds the handbag like all men hold handbags. Two hands in front of the chest. [audience laughing] “I’m holding this for someone else, so…” Anyways, he picks up the handbag, he holds it, we can still hear her screaming. She went out the door, she’s screaming. The staff are trying to calm her down. She’s screaming, and the husband stands up, and he goes… “I’m sorry, Jim. I’m sorry, everyone. We were expecting our first child and she miscarriaged at seven months. That was six weeks ago and the baby was due this week. So we decided to leave the house for the first time and forget about our problems…” [audience laughing] “And to try to have a laugh.” [audience laughing] “Anyway, Jim, the first half of the show was really great.” [audience laughing] And then he just leaves awkwardly, like, “Excuse me. Sorry.” We can still hear her screaming. Men and women in the room are crying their eyes out, which isn’t good for comedy, and… and I’m trying to bullshit my way out of it. I’m on stage going, “Hey… that joke was more about the hypocrisy of religion rather than dead babies, per se.” Uh… [audience laughing]
And as I’m doing that, in the second row a Geordie fellow from Newcastle, England, he stands up in the second row, and he points at me, really angry like this, and he goes… “To be fair… she’s fucking hot.” [audience laughing] And this sentence fell out of my mouth so fast, I couldn’t put the words back in. I went, “Ah, well, they get to keep their figure when they don’t carry them full-term.” [audience groaning] I’m not proud of this. I’m just reporting it. As soon as I said it, bottles just started getting thrown at me. Just fucking… Whoof! I’m like, fucking from The Matrix, like… [yells] And I was just like, “Good night!” [audience laughing] That was many years ago. If you’re watching this special at home, I hope you had a kid since then. Um… [chuckles] What am I gonna do? Her miscarriage brought so much joy to other people. Uh… [audience laughs nervously] I dislike deaf people. [audience laughing] Actually, I need to rephrase that. I don’t dislike deaf people. I hate sign language people. Sign language people fuck me up the wall. I don’t mind the deaf. Individually, deaf people can be a delight. [audience laughing] It’s when deaf people get into packs, I don’t like them. If you get a group of deaf people… If you get eight or more deaf… like a herd of… A… A gaggle or a… What can we all agree on? A murder? [audience laughing] If you get a murder of deaf, if you get eight or more deaf, and I have no problem with them. I just want to say that right again. If you get eight or more deaf, and you’re in a theater in America, they will be seated like this– They’ll be seated four and four, right? ‘Cause what happens is, if you get a murder of deaf, the American government will pay for a sign language person. Probably not for much longer, but at the moment it’s a thing. Uh… [audience laughing] The American government will pay for a sign language person to stand here. Now, the sign language person is normally a frumpy chick who learned sign language so she could date a deaf guy out of her league, but whatever. Anyway… [audience laughing] So… But no one ever tells me. They never say, “Jim, there’s a sign language person.” They never fucking tell me. So I come out, “Please welcome Jim Jefferies,” I walk out, I see the sign language person, I’m like, “Ah, fuck me.” ‘Cause I’ve never had a good show if a sign language person is standing there. Never fucking happened. Because the deaf people are having a horrible time. They’ve watched me on Netflix, they’ve read my lips, and they’ve had the subtitles, and they’ve seen the facial expressions. Now they’re not even looking at me. They’re looking at her, and her comedy timing fucking sucks dicks. [audience laughing] And they can’t modulate their sound, so they’re just like, “This is a shit show,” and I’m like, “No! It’s not a shit show! And she’s like, “Not a shit show.” Like that. [audience laughing]
Now I know what you’re thinking. “What’s the big deal? That’s eight people out of thousands. Who gives a fuck?” I’ll tell you why. You can’t have a good comedy show with a sign language person, because the human brain isn’t fully developed. If I swear, and there’s a sign language person standing there, every single fucking one of you will go, “And what would that word be?” [audience laughing] I do it myself while I’m onstage. [audience laughing] So I’ll teach you the word you wanna know. “Cunt,” obviously. You wanna know “cunt.” [audience cheering] All right, so that’s “vagina.” This is “cunt.” [audience laughing] Gotta give it a bit of attitude, it needs to be a snap. [audience laughing] You ever see deaf person look at you like, “You cunt!” Like that. That’s a deafie who don’t like you. Then there’s fun ones, like “bullshit,” right? So you do, like, a bull’s head… Cross it around, bullshit. It’s adorable. Bullshit.
I always feel sorry for deaf people who are in relationships with other deaf people. Because occasionally, you must be fighting. You’re coming home from a party. You’re trying to be a safe driver. And your wife’s being a fucking bitch… [audience laughing] [audience applauding] Bullshit. [audience laughing]
And then… Then there’s things that are just like… There’s different dialects for sign language. ‘Cause I’ve done this whole thing, right? So in Britain… this is “Jew.” [audience laughing] Seems bad, right? Wait till you see America. This is “Jew” in America… [audience laughing] I don’t know why, but that is more offensive than that. So if you ever see a deaf person, like, “You Jew cunt!” Like that. That’s a Trump-voting deaf you got yourself there. [audience laughing] Then there’s things where you feel like the deaf aren’t educated. Like, this is “gay men.” [audience laughing] That’s what the deaf think the gays get up to. [audience laughing] [chuckles] They think they get in a room and bash dicks together. [audience laughing] Now, I was… doing that routine in New Zealand or something, I was doing that, and a guy yelled out, “Oh, that’s docking.” I said, “What’s docking?” And then he didn’t say anything. And then I went home and I googled “docking.” And wasn’t that a waste of four hours. [audience laughing] Just a show of hands. Who knows what docking is? Wow, it’s a lot. For the rest of you, you’re in for a treat. This is docking: You need two men… And both of them have to have erect dicks at the same time. It’s already weird, isn’t it? Anyway, one dick… ideally, to dock… [chuckles] One dick needs to be, like, a circumcised dick. And the other dick needs to be a European fella. [audience laughing] Let’s talk about this very quickly.
Okay, so… I’m circumcised. I know you are all not circumcised. I know you’re not, right? I got my son circumcised. Right? When I got my son circumcised, I mentioned on a late night show that I got my son circumcised, and I got a lot of hate mail and people freaking the fuck out and saying I mutilated my kid and all this type of stuff, and… Look, people do it for different reasons. It’s a personal thing. Right? Some people circumcise their children for religious purposes. Some people do it for medical reasons. The reason I got my son circumcised is so that when he is older, women will enjoy having his dick in their mouths. [audience laughing] I did it because I love him. And your dicks are fucking disgusting. You fucking animals. How do you fucking look at your dick and have any level of self-respect? Every fucking day, your fucking hooded, slimy fucking dicks. [audience laughing] My dick smells constantly. It’s an eternal battle against that smell. I can’t even imagine what you accept in your life. Do you know that it’s not in porn? It’s not in fucking porn. Uncircumcised isn’t in porn. Because the people that make porn are trying to run a business, and they don’t want people fucking vomiting when they’re masturbating. You can’t go into a porn site and put “uncircumcised.” It doesn’t come up. Your dick is less of a fetish than feet, you fucking disgusting animals. [audience laughing] Name me one time where extra skin on the body is a good thing. [audience laughing] When someone gets old, they get that turkey neck and they’re like, “Ooh, I’ve been looking forward to this.” Some fucking 500-pound cunt loses 300 pounds, has a big elephant ear of skin, and the doctor goes, “Oh, lucky you! Extra skin. Women love extra skin.” [audience laughing]
Anyway, so docking, you need two dicks, right? [audience laughing] A lovely, pristine dick, and… a horrible dick. [audience laughing] Then you line the two dicks up… and with your slimy hood… you get that bit, and you stretch it over the nice dick. -Now… -[audience groans] that’ll make a seal. Now, the only way to break that seal is to pop a bit of air out of the side and gently release, like it’s a Tupperware lid. [audience laughing] ‘Cause you can’t just pull against it, ’cause then it’s like a Chinese finger trap. Now that the dicks are docked… you just gently bash dicks. [audience laughing] There’s probably kissing, isn’t there? I imagine you’d kiss. Your mouths are aligned, probably… [audience laughing] And then if you’re into each other, you’ll come simultaneously on each other’s dick heads. [audience groans] That’ll make a cum bubble of sorts… that eventually will just go, “Blugh.” [audience laughing] And that’s docking. [chuckles] Now, it’s weird, because… People– I sort of got more popular, because of a routine that I did on gun control, and… [audience cheering] People come and see me because of the gun control routine, and they want me to do some political commentary or some social commentary, and then I just did, like, what was that, ten minutes on docking. [audience laughing] And the thing about the gun thing is weird. It’s nice to have that as a calling card, that people want to see you because they liked that routine, but then also, it’s a double-edged sword because… I get more popular after a massacre, and that’s really not what you want. It’s not like you’re sitting at home, “Ooh, there’s been a massacre. ” Uh… It’s tough, because people think if you talk about gun control in America, you’re talking about banning guns. I’m not talking about banning guns. I’m talking about controlling guns. See, after what happened in Las Vegas… That guy shot all those people. I think he had 48 guns or something like that. All the news people were like, “Gun control wouldn’t have done anything, because he bought all the guns legally.” And you’re like, “Yeah… gun control could have fucking solved that. How about if we brought in a law where you’re allowed seven?” [audience laughing] “If you can’t protect your family with seven, you’re no fucking good with the guns.” [audience laughing] So this whole idea that if you bring in gun control, you’re going to ban guns, is a load of bullshit, because there already is gun control. There’s things like you can’t put a bayonet on the end of your gun. ‘Cause that would make your gun too stabby. [audience laughing] And it’s the right to bear arms, it’s not the right to bear guns. It’s the right to bear arms. Arms are weapons. See, in Texas, you can open carry an assault rifle on your back into Target. You can’t walk into Target with a chainsaw. People would think that’s fucking weird. You walk into Target… [imitates a chainsaw] Security would be like, “What the fuck with the chainsaw, man?” You’ll be like, “This is my protection chainsaw! This is to protect me and my family! You’ll be happy I’m here if a bad guy with a chainsaw comes in. ‘Cause the only way to stop a bad guy with a chainsaw is a good guy with a chainsaw.” [audience laughing and cheering] See… this idea that all guns are for protection is fucking bullshit. They’re not all for protection. You can buy sniper rifles. [audience laughing] Rifles that can shoot two kilometers. How is that for protection? Who the fuck… is sitting in the front of their house… [audience laughing] looking at some cunt two kilometers away… like, “Back down!” [audience laughing] But you know, I understand. People love their families. They wanna fucking… I’m actually gonna say something now that’ll make some people upset. It’s weird that I say it. I’m a single dad now. I’ve been a single dad for over a year. When people hear it, they go, “Oh, that’s a shame.” Not a shame. Me and my ex weren’t getting along. We’re still good friends now. I’ll tell you how we broke up. This is literally how me and my ex broke up. I bought a house five doors down from my house, and she goes, “What did you get that for?” And I went, “For you to live in.” [audience laughing] And she high-fived me and skipped down there. She was happy to go as well. So now I’m a single dad, and the weird thing is about being a single dad is, before that, I used to go on and on and on about what a great parent I was. But I wasn’t a great parent. I wasn’t. I was just a guy who lived with a four-year-old. This is how I used to parent. I used to walk around the house, I saw my son playing with a toy, I would be like, “What are you playing with there? Lego! Sounds fun. All right.” [audience laughing] And then his mum would take him to bed, and I’d go, “Good night, sweet dreams, my prince!” I was a shit parent. Well, now it’s just me and him. And so I have this four-year-old that comes once a… every… Every second week, I get my kid. He comes over, I try to make it as normal a family life as we can, but the little cunt only eats four different foods. [audience laughing] He eats macaroni and cheese, chicken and fucking pizza and apples. I try to make him eat other things, but his mother doesn’t. It’s a big argument, that’s why she lives in another fucking house. Anyway…
But he comes over and I try to have family meals with him, right? So it’s just me and him so I make him chicken, I have to bread it, I have to do things, I have to make it a certain level, and then I cut up some apples, and then I sit there, and then he comes and eats dinner with me. And I’m not gonna make two fucking meals, so I’m eating fucking chicken and apples as well. [audience laughing] So we’re sitting there eating a meal, and I don’t let him watch TV while we’re eating. That’s family time, so it’s me and him. But I got to be honest, I want to watch the TV. The conversation runs out pretty fucking quick. He hasn’t got a lot going on. I go to him, “How was your day?” And he goes, “I don’t know,” and I go, “What did you do at school?” He goes, “Drew a picture,” and I’m like, “Fuck, this is a long meal.” [audience laughing] Anyway, so I make him the chicken, I make him the apples, and then I take him upstairs for bedtime at 8:30, and he has a bath and I wash his hair and I put him in some pajamas, and he’s all fresh and clean. I put him in the bed, I sing him the same song every day. And then I read him a story and I wait till he falls asleep and then I go downstairs and watch TV. And then about two hours later, about 10:30, I just hear screaming, just… [screams] I run up the fucking stairs, I get up there, he’s covered in vomit. He’s vomited all over. He’s got vomit through his fucking hair. I pick him up, he’s shitting. Right, he’s shitting and vomiting onto me. So he’s vomiting onto me, but he’s shitting in front of where I’m walking. So I’m walking through shit as vomit’s coming onto me. I put him on the toilet. I get him a bucket. He is now shitting and vomiting simultaneously. Now, maybe I didn’t cook that chicken long enough. [audience laughing] Anyway… So he’s just sitting there. He’s never had food poisoning before. I had the same meal. The little cunt’s just got a weak constitution. Anyway, so… He’s sitting there shitting and vomiting at the same time. The poor little fella, ’cause he’s four, his brain doesn’t compute that this won’t go on forever. He actually looked at me, shitting and vomiting, he looks at me and goes, “I guess this is me now.” [audience laughing] I’m just laughing like, “You’ll be all right, fella. You’ll be all right.”
Anyway, this goes on for a couple hours, where it’s about midnight now. He’s empty. Everything’s out of his body. I give him another bath, and I wash him off, and I wash all the vomit out of his hair, and I put him in some new pajamas, and I say, “Come sleep in my bed, mate. Everything’s going to be all right.” And he sleeps in my bed, and I pat his back until he goes to sleep. And then I go to sleep. And then two hours later, I shit the bed. [audience laughing] Now… this wasn’t like… like I woke up with cramps and went… [groans] And then I shit the bed. No, the shit and the waking up was a simultaneous thing. I was lying there, and went… [makes a splat sound] [groans] He’s fast asleep, and I just shit the bed next to a four-year-old. Which I assume is a crime. I’ve never felt so sick, and I get out, and I’m in my underwear, there’s just shit pouring down my thighs, and I’m like… [screams] And I vomit on the floor, and I’m walking through my own vomit, and I’m shitting onto the vomit, and I make it all the way to my toilet… and I sit there and I’m shitting… I didn’t have a bucket, so I’m just vomiting into the fucking bathtub, and shitting, and I actually said out loud, “I guess this is me now!” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Now, I’m there for a couple of hours. I’ve taken all my clothes off, so now it’s, like, five in the morning… and I’m fucking naked, just still shitting and vomiting. And my son wakes up. He’s feeling fresh as a daisy. [audience laughing] He comes in, his pajamas all clean, his hair’s all fluffy, he walks in. Holding his teddy, he walks around the pile of shit and vomit. [audience laughing] He walks in to see his father shitting and vomiting on the toilet. He looks at me and goes, “We had a tough night, didn’t we, Dad?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Now… I’m gonna tell you a story. Now, this story happened… uh… about a year and a half ago. I got booked to do a private party with a very famous… American singer. And I signed a contract to say that I would never say who booked me, how much I was paid, or who was at the party. But then I’ve just been telling people, and nothing’s happened, so… [audience laughing] So it’s… Mariah Carey. Now… I get a phone call from her management one day, and they say, “Mariah Carey’s a massive fan of yours.” And I said, “No, she’s not.” They go, “How do you know?” I said, “I don’t know the woman. I’ve never met her. But I know this. There is no scenario where Mariah Carey finishes a concert, goes home, pours herself a bath, lights a few candles, and goes, ‘Put on a bit of Jim Jefferies.’ And then sits there splashing around, going, ‘Women are cunts!’ No.” [audience laughing] I said, “She’s not a fan.” So they ring back and they go– Her fiance at the time… “Her fiance, James Packer, is a fan.” Now, James Packer is a very famous Australian billionaire. And she wanted to purchase me for his 50th birthday as a gift, right? Already weird, to be a human gift. [audience laughing] But I guess that’s what you buy billionaires. You can’t buy them materialistic things, ’cause they can purchase whatever they want. You buy them other human beings doing tricks. [audience laughing] So they ring me up, and they go… They go, “$15,000, 15 minutes. You just gotta perform at a dinner party. She lives half a mile away from you. Easy-peasy. And I said to my manager, Alex, I said, “Alex, that sounds fucking horrible. I’m not gonna do that.” And he rings back up ten minutes later, “$30,000… 15 minutes.” And I said, “Alex… I’m an artist.” [audience laughing] “I never let money make decisions for me.” Now, I think we all know where this is headed. [audience laughing] They rang back, “$60,000, 12 minutes,” and I was like, “Fuck it, what’s your address?” [audience laughing]
So three weeks later… So for three weeks I was just dreading this gig, and then three weeks later, it’s like, all right, I show up at the house. I’m there in the middle of summer. I’m wearing a leather jacket and fucking T-shirt, I’m sweating my ass off, and I’m there with my manager, Alex, and someone… Mariah’s assistant opens the door, and goes, “Which one of you is Jim Jefferies?” -I’m like… -[audience laughing] The fucking career is crushing it, obviously. Uh… I said, “That’s me,” and she goes, “We’ve been waiting for you,” and she goes, “You’re not to be seen. You’re a surprise.” And I get into the house, she’s like, “Oh! Take your shoes off!” Mariah’s one of those cunts. Soon as you enter your house, you gotta feel uncomfortable, take your fucking shoes off. I don’t know if we have any of those Nazi fucking pricks in this room, but you’ve lost a lot of friends over this, you fucking lowlife cunts. [audience cheering] Anyway… So I take my shoes off. I’m the birthday surprise, so no one’s to see me, so they secretly get me into the kitchen. So I go into the kitchen. I’m sitting there, and then they give me some rich people food, which is the same as poor people food but has truffles on it. [audience laughing] I’m sitting there eating my fucking truffley food… [chuckles] I look at my manager, like, “I shouldn’t be here. It’s the worst idea I ever had.” -I shouldn’t do this.” -He’s like, “It’s going to be fine. It’ll be great. You’ll do great.” At that stage, Eddie Murphy walks into the kitchen. Now, Eddie Murphy, and I want this on film, is my childhood fucking hero. Delirious was such a big deal to me. [audience cheering] And was the reason that I tell these big long stories. He was the first comic I saw who told long stories. Anyway, I’m gonna do a terrible impersonation, but Eddie Murphy walks up to one of the catering people, he goes, “I’m all dehydrated. I need a Gatorade or a Powerade or something with ‘ade.’ I need electrolytes. My mouth is dry.” [audience laughing] And I’m just staring at him, like… Then he points at me, he goes, “Oh, I know you. You do the TV show with the disabled boy.” And I said, “I do do the TV show with the disabled boy!” And he goes, “I love that show. It’s a fantastic show. You’re masturbating off a little disabled boy in the sky. What a great show it was. What are you doing here?” And I said, “I’m gonna do stand-up for the dinner party!” And he went, “There’s no way that’s gonna work out,” and he just fucked off. [audience laughing] [clears throat]
So I just break out into a fucking sweat, right? And then Mariah’s assistant comes up to me, and she goes, “It’s time.” Now, let me paint a picture for you. There’s 20 people in a garden, sitting at a long table, surrounded by tiki torches before tiki torches had racist connotations. They’re all famous people. They do not know that there’s any entertainment. Nor have I been announced. There is not a microphone. There is not a light. I’m walking out in my socks. [audience laughing] I just look like a guy who’s gotten onto the property… [audience laughing] And has a few things that he wants to say. [audience laughing] See, the difference between stand-up comedy and a drunk guy giving opinions? That’s it. [audience laughing] So I walk out, and so, Mariah Carey’s here, James Packer’s here, Eddie Murphy’s here. Al Pacino’s here, Warren Beatty’s here, and it gets less and less famous as we go along. [audience laughing] So I walk out, I’ve never done a birthday party before, so I just treat it like a kid’s birthday party. So I walk up to a 50-year-old man, and I go, “Hey, hey!” [audience laughing] “Happy birthday!” And he went, “Who are you?” And I went, “Who am I? I’m Jim Jefferies, your favorite comedian!” And he goes, “I don’t know you.” And I pointed at Mariah, and I said, “Mariah!” And Mariah’s on her seventh Xanax of the fucking day. [audience laughing] And she just looks over at him and goes, “Remember? We watched him on the computer doing something.” It was very clear that they were towards the end of their relationship, because he was just like, “Why do you talk?” [audience laughing] And I went, “Fuck it! I’ll tell some jokes anyway, shall I?” [audience laughing] At that stage, Leonardo DiCaprio walks in with three of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. He has it big, ’cause he just did that movie where he had sex with a bear. I haven’t seen it. He walks up. He stands next to me. Everyone greets him like he’s Norm from Cheers, right? Somehow, this cunt gets to keep his shoes on. [audience laughing] And he just chats to the table for three minutes. So for three minutes, I’m standing next to Leonardo DiCaprio like this… [audience laughing] After three minutes, he doesn’t even look at me. He just points at me and goes, “What’s all this about?” And Warren Beatty went, “We don’t know!” [audience laughing] Then Leonardo DiCaprio took the women over, and sat on some garden furniture, and I was like, “Fuck it, I’ll just go do 12 minutes. No one says anyone has to laugh, I just gotta fucking talk, right?” So I just started phoning in some fucking jokes. I just looked at them and went, “There’s a turtle at my kid’s school,” and I told the turtle routine, and I’m just fucking walking around telling the fucking turtle routine. James Packer is getting angrier and angrier, just like… “Fucking…” At one stage, he says to Mariah Carey at the same volume that I’m talking next to him, he says, “Why did you think I’d enjoy this?” Right? And I’m like, “Just keep smiling, Jim. Keep a song in your heart, and they can’t hurt you.” [audience laughing] So I keep going, and he’s getting angrier and angrier, and he just goes like this… “Gun control!” And I said, “Yes!” [audience laughing] “I’m the gun control guy!” And he goes, “I love that bit. Do that bit.” [audience laughing] And I said, “I haven’t performed that in over a year. I really don’t know how it goes,” and he went, “Just fucking do it.” And I went, “Okay!” So I started doing the gun control thing. So I’m like running across the lawn to do the fucking safe thing. Now, that routine… is 16-and-a-half minutes long. [audience laughing] I go through it in eight minutes. ‘Cause it turns out, it’s shorter without laughter. [audience laughing] [audience cheering]
I did get a laugh, though. I got a laugh from James Packer. At the halfway moment during the routine, he just gave this, like, Australian billionaire… guttural fucking laugh. He just went, “Ha!” [audience laughing] This laugh is so distinctive to my Australian ear, that if I was in the Outback, and I heard it, I would become like Steve Irwin, and be like, “Oh! That’s the Australian billionaire.” [audience laughing] And then he just went… [guffaws] Because it was his birthday, it was like a moment in a medieval film where the king started laughing, and the rest of the courtyard was like, “The King is amused!” They all started laughing a little bit, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t having a good gig, but I was getting away with it. [audience laughing] So I finish up the show and I did a routine that was on my last special about how I’m a five in the looks department, but because I’m on TV I get to fuck sixes and sevens, but because I’m an alcoholic, I fuck fours and threes. [audience laughing] So I did that routine, then afterwards, I’m standing around with my manager, Alex, and we’re drinking, and Al Pacino and Warren Beatty walk up to us and they’re drunk as fuck, or… they’re just old. [audience laughing] And Al Pacino walks up to me, and this is the exact words he says, he went, “Oh! A couple of fives are talking to each other.” [audience laughing] And I forgot my routine, I’m like, “Sorry?” And he goes, “I’m a five. You’re also a five.” [audience laughing] Then I remembered, I went, “Well, I get to fuck sixes and sevens because I’m on the TV. I bet you’re fucking crazy nines and tens, right?” And he grabs one of the girls with Leo, and he drags her, and he goes, “You’re right.” [audience laughing] Then he pushed her away, and then Harvey Weinstein tackled her and dragged her into the bushes. [audience laughing and applauding]
And then he goes like this, he goes, “I like what you do. You tell stories. Nobody tells stories anymore.” [audience laughing] “You tell a story, I’m enjoying myself. Oh, I’m enjoying myself. But then you get distracted and go on a tangent, and I think, ‘Oh, no… I’ll never hear the end of this tale.'” [audience laughing] But then you come back to the story, “and I’m like, ‘Wow! He remembered the whole time.'” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] And then he kept talking for, like, ten minutes and at the ten minute mark, I hadn’t said a word, and he literally said, he goes, “You haven’t said anything!” [audience laughing] “Am I talking too much?” And I said, “Mr. Pacino, this is one of the greatest moments of my life. Please keep talking till I come.” [audience laughing] And he said, “A challenge!” [audience laughing] Then he said to me, he goes, “Do you act?” Al Pacino says, “Do you act?” and I’m like, “I’ve acted. [chuckles] I’m not an actor. I’m a comedian.” And he goes, “Oh! I know a lot about acting,” and I was like, “Yeah you do.” [audience laughing] And he’s like, “You’re going to be a great actor! A great actor!” And I’m like a fat chick being hit on. I’m like… [audience laughing] Then he went, “No, fuck it! Don’t act! You’re better than us. Acting’s for idiots like me and him. He points at Warren Beatty, and Warren Beatty, at this stage, is looking at a moth going around a tiki torch, like… [audience laughing] He goes, “You’re better than us. You tell stories. You’re a director.” And I’m like, “All right.” He’s like, “Say it for me. Say, ‘I’m a director.'” [audience laughing] I went “I’m a director.” [audience laughing] And he went, “Say it again!” And I went, “I’m a director.” And he goes, “One more time. But this time I need more passion from you, George Jamison.” [audience laughing] So I just got the fever and I went, “I’m a director!” Everyone there stopped what the fuck they were doing. They all stared at me, and I went, “I don’t know what’s going on.” [audience laughing] Warren Beatty’s all confused. He leans over and goes, “Um… What do you direct?”
You know when you’re a kid in your teens, you just lie all the time? But you don’t really lie past 30. You lie to get yourself out of trouble. Lies like, “I don’t know that girl, I was somewhere else.” Right? [audience laughing] I just did one of those teenage lies. He goes, “What do you direct?” And I said, “I’ve directed two independent films… and I have a big budget film in the works with Warner Bros.” [audience laughing] And then Warren Beatty looks at me and goes, “Um… How can we stay in touch?” And I just went… “I’m fucking lying, man.” [audience laughing] And before I could say anything else, my manager saw that I was drowning in this conversation, he swooped in, so Hollywood-y, he goes, “I love this. Jim Jefferies, Warren Beatty, you’re gonna make a lot of great films together. Here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re gonna take my number, Warren, I’m gonna take yours. We’re gonna stay in touch.” They start swapping numbers and I’m standing off to the side, like, “I don’t know what the fuck this is.” [audience laughing] Before I could say anything stupid, Alex puts his arm around me, and drags me out of the party. I’m like, “I don’t know what just happened, Alex.” He turned me and went, “You’re gonna have to learn how to direct.” [audience laughing and cheering] Now, before we go, on all my specials, I do this little bit at the end. Um, I mention depression. Depression has been something that has been a major part of my life. Not just my life, but my father’s life, and it has sort of controlled… um, everything for me. Now, if you’re suffering from depression… As I hit 40, it’s gotten a bit better. And it’s gotten a bit better because I was speaking to my dad, who’s 76, and I said, “Dad, why aren’t you depressed?” And he said, “Ah… what are you going to do?” Now… [audience laughing] That actually said something to me. It said something big in my brain, actually, it flicked a switch. All right, ’cause I wasted my 20s being depressed, the prime years of my life. I wasted most of my 30s being depressed, and a lot of you may have done that as well. But this is the thing, right? The only reason we’re depressed in our 20s and our 30s and our 40s, the prime of our life, is because of hope. [audience laughing] ‘Cause we think that something better is fucking coming, right? You think you’re gonna make it. You think you’re gonna be something. “What if I don’t meet the woman of my dreams?” “What if I don’t get the career I want?” And then when you’re old, you go, “Ha!” [audience laughing] “I guess none of that happened.” [audience laughing]
But then you’re happy to be alive. See, I spent weeks, in my 20s, in my fucking bed going, “I don’t want to live. I can’t get out of my fucking bed.” You know who doesn’t do that? People in their 90s. You don’t meet depressed people in their 90s. I used to be like, “I can’t get up.” People in their 90s are like, “I’m up!” [audience laughing] “Did it again! Boom!” [audience laughing and cheering] So all you have to do is outlive your depression. [audience laughing] And then embrace the things that make you fucking weird. All right, I’m 40, about to turn 41 in a few weeks, and… [scattered cheers from crowd] I’ll tell you a weird thing about me. I have a passion. My passion is this. I like little things that look like they should be big things. I act like they’re full-size, but that I’m a giant. [audience laughing] I’ll give you an example. When you’re in a shitty hotel, they give you a little box of breakfast cereal? I act like that’s a full-size box of breakfast cereal. Then I walk up to people and go, “This is a full-size box of breakfast cereal. I’m a giant!” Like, my ex, Kate, she had to stop buying cherry tomatoes and baby carrots, ’cause whenever we had them in the house… [audience laughing] I was a pain in the ass. I was always like, “Kate! It’s a regular size tomato! I’m gonna eat it in one bite! ‘Cause I’m a giant, Kate!” Every time we went to a restaurant and I ordered sliders, she was like, “Fuck, here we go.” [audience laughing] You don’t wanna be sitting next to me on a plane when you get that little bottle of vodka. I’m a nightmare. I’m like… [yells] “Everyone, I should be drunk! I just drank a whole bottle of vodka. But I’m not… ’cause I’m a giant!” Now, this all came to a head when my son was two. We were trying to put him in preschool, and we went around to the different schools, we’re taking the tours, and we were on this one tour, at the school he actually ended up at, and they were showing us the play equipment in the classrooms, and then we walked into the toilets. [audience laughing] And they had these toilets for two-year-olds, which had little tiny bowls, a little tiny seat, a little tiny water thing, and a little tiny flusher, and as soon as I saw them… [audience laughing] I was in heaven. And the rest of the group kept walking, and I acted like I was walking, but I wasn’t. ‘Cause I had to stick around, because I had to do a shit on a little toilet. [audience laughing] I didn’t even need to do a shit. This was an extra unnecessary shit. I had done a shit two hours earlier. So I pull down my pants, and I get on the little toilet, now, maybe the happiest I’ve ever been. [audience laughing] So I’m doing this shit, and the hole’s so small, it only covers my asshole, so my cock and balls are sitting up… on the lip of the seat, and I’m just beaming, but then I reach a dilemma. Often, when you shit, you also need to wee. [audience laughing] And my dick wanted to wee, but I was just shitting, so my dick was confused. My dick was like, “Name me a scenario where shit is welcome and wee isn’t.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “We’re just shitting right now.” It’s like, “Fuck it, I’m gonna wee,” and I’m like, “Please don’t wee! ‘Cause if you wee, I’ll become a sex offender, and Hank won’t get into the school… and Kate won’t get happy.” Now, at this stage, Kate realizes I’ve left the group. [audience laughing] And she walks back in to see the father of her child doing a shit on a little toilet, with his cock and balls sitting up on the lip. The look of disappointment that just flooded her face… I just looked at her like this. [audience laughing] “I’m a giant, Kate!” Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. I loved every minute of it. [audience cheering] [rock music playing] | [rock music playing] [audience cheering] [audience applauding and cheering] Hello, London! [audience cheering] That’s my town. Uh… This is my second home. [audience cheering] I lived here for ten years. I love London. I actually recorded a couple of specials here before. When I lived here, I was broke. I had no fucking money. And maybe like 12 years ago, I signed a contract for five comedy specials for £90,000 with a record label over here, which, when you’re broke… sounds like a really good fucking deal, right? I had no money and someone offered me £90,000, I was like, “Fuck, yeah,” for five comedy specials. But that is the worst deal in record history. Five comedy specials for £90,000. Anyway, I was locked in. I recorded one, and then I got offered an HBO special in America. And so I went back to my record label over here, and I said, “Hey, here’s the deal. I just got offered a big deal in America. What I’ll do is I’ll go over there, I’ll do the special then I’ll come back and do the other four specials with you.” And then my record label here went, “You can’t do that. You’re contracted to us,” and I went, “Oh, that’s a shame.” [audience laughing] Then I got on a plane and I went to America. And then HBO said, “You sorted that contract problem out, didn’t ya?” And I went, “I sure did.” And then I did the HBO special and then my record label here sued me for £200,000, which is like, $300,000 American, right? But it doesn’t matter, because HBO paid me $50,000, so… [audience laughing] So, you gotta spend money to make money, you know? So I was a little bit in the hole. I had spent a lot of that earlier money on drugs already. So now I’m… I’m poor and famous. See, everybody wants to be rich and famous. And rich and famous is fucking amazing. Poor and famous sucks dicks. Have you ever been in a pound store and been famous? That’s… So anyways, I’m poor and famous, right? So I have sex with this American woman… Consensually! I asked her. She said yes, she enjoyed herself. Anyway… So I had sex with this woman, and she thought, ’cause I was on the TV, that I had money. So she tried to extort me for $50,000. She goes, “I have a sex tape of yours, and I’m going to sell it.” And I went, “Fucking try.” [audience laughing] “I don’t know what the market is for the podgy, pale Australian guy who lasts a minute and a half, but see what you can fuckin’ get.” Then she goes, “Well, I have a photo of you doing cocaine.” And I went, “Everyone does! I’ve done cocaine off photos of me doing cocaine.” [audience laughing] “And you want to extort me? Why don’t you get a picture of me being nice to my mother or opening a door for a woman or something off-brand?” Now, I used to do a lot of misogynistic jokes. I’m not going to do as many of those. I’ll do some. [audience laughing and cheering] There’s a lot of problems at the moment. There’s a lot of guys that are raping people, and a lot of people in the entertainment business are going down, some for more offensive things than others, you know, but… I’m nervous. You know, I… I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, but between the hours of nine and nine, I’m pretty blacked out. Anyway, so… Like, if James Bond was a real person, he’d be super fucking nervous right now. [audience laughing] James Bond would be showing up to work, like, “I’m here to see Q.” “Actually, you’re here to see HR.” [grumbles] “We have 472 complaints from a Miss Moneypenny.” Ah! “Two Russian operatives say you used their power against them and had sex with them.” “I was trying to get information. You’re welcome.” There’s been like, Kevin Spacey went down. Kevin Spacey, he went down, and he goes… He goes, his defense was, “It’s probably a good time to mention that I’m gay.” And we were like, “What? Kevin, say it’s not true.” Um… Yeah, Kevin gets a bit grabby. [audience laughing] From all reports, he reaches, he touches your dick outside your jeans. For a little bit. He’s a dick grabber. We all have that gay friend, don’t we? We all have that gay friend that every time you’re drunk, you’re like, “Get out of it, don’t touch my dick.” And they’re like, “I’ll get you next time,” I’m like, “I’m sure you will, but not today.” But he paid the price, as people should when they do things wrong. He paid the price. You know, he had a great career, and Netflix, the network we’re on right now, they fired him, and rightfully so. And he lost his job as a fake president. [audience laughing] Yet there is an actual president… with four times as many allegations… who still has his fucking job. [audience cheering] We have a guy… who said, and I quote… “I love women… when I see them, I kiss them. I don’t even ask. I can’t help myself. I grab ’em by the pussy. When you’re famous… they let you.” [audience laughing] Now, I’m famous. And when I heard that, I went out and I gave it a go. And I gotta tell you, they don’t let you! You women are a sensitive bunch. Moody, if you will. Now… [audience laughing] The term “Grab ’em by the pussy,” as soon as that happened, I started tweeting and saying in interviews jokes about it. And people started writing me saying, “Yes, well, you’ve said worse things,” and I have, and this evening, I will say worse things. And that’s why I agree that I shouldn’t be president of the United States of America. [audience laughing and applauding] I’m not qualified. Don’t use me as your moral benchmark. Do you think I’m offended by the term “Grab ’em by the pussy”? I’m not offended by it. I’m confused as fuck. [audience laughing] I’ve never heard those words grouped together into a fucking sentence. If he said, “I grab ’em by the tit,” I know what a tit-grab entails. I can picture a tit-grab. I’m fully aware of what’s going on there. “I grab their ass,” I know that. Even if it was weird, like “I grab ’em by the head,” I can picture a head-grab. “Grab ’em by the pussy,” you see… the pussy is an inward thing. [audience laughing] If I said to you right now, “I met a girl, I grabbed her by the belly button.” How fucking confused are you? You’d be like, “Did you poke it?” I’d be like, “Nah… I didn’t poke it. I grabbed the whole thing. Keep up!” [audience laughing] Like, if he said, “I palm their pussy,” I can picture a pussy-palming. Like if he just scooped his hand over. Or if he fingered a pussy. We’ve all fingered a pussy, whether it be our own or someone else’s. But to grab a pussy… that’s gotta be one fucking meaty, low-hanging fruit fucking pussy. That’s gotta be a pussy that’s just given birth, is prolapsed. They haven’t put the stitches in yet. Maybe that’s what he does. Maybe he goes around to maternity wards and goes, “Congratulations! It’s a beautiful child. Don’t worry about it. I’m famous.” [audience laughing and cheering] This has taken up far too much space in my brain. I’ve been thinking about pussy grabbing for over a year now. Like, he says they don’t mind. What is the scenario… where you can grab a pussy… and no one minds? I guess it has to be in a private area, ’cause you can’t do it in the general public, because for the most part pussy grabbing is “frowned upon.” If I jumped into the crowd right now and grabbed a pussy… you’d all be like, “Stop that, Jim.” [audience laughing] “Get back on stage. Finish the show.” So I’ve thought of every scenario, I’ve thought of every available option on how to grab a pussy where everything’s fine. This is the only one I can think of, right? Okay, the woman has to feel comfortable and safe. So I picture a woman who’s like, she’s in her own garden. [audience laughing] She’s feeling good. It’s her garden. She feels safe, it’s a secluded garden. There’s fucking hedges and shit. She’s wearing a mini-skirt, no underwear. She doesn’t give a fuck. It’s her garden. And she’s gardening. She’s tending to soil. [audience laughing] She’s potting a plant. And then you, the celebrity… [audience laughing] You have to creep into the garden, almost cartoonishly, just… Then you get your hand like that, so devil horns open up, flip around. [audience laughing] Now you want to be a real good pussy grabber, ’cause you’re only going to get one shot at this. and that thumb’s going straight into the asshole. So you’re like, “Bang!” Right, to begin with, she’s shocked. “What the fuck’s going on?” While she’s in that state of shock, lift her up, she’s on her toes. She’s not going anywhere. She’s upset, but then she turns around, “Oh, you’re famous,” and everything’s fine. [audience laughing and cheering] Now, I don’t want to spend too much time talking about American politics while I’m here. You’ve got your own issues. [audience laughing] All right, look… I know you broke away from the European Union. I don’t understand what happened. I know it’s mixed, the opinion. I don’t know what’s going on, but then when I talk to you people, you don’t fucking know what’s going on, either. I’ve never seen something happening in a country, where you’re all like, “No idea what’s happening.” [audience laughing] There’s so many things. Like, do you get rid of the European people who are living here? Or, like… in your hospitals, you have 250,000 nurses who are from like Spain and France and all that type of bullshit, right? Do you get rid of those people? And if you do do that, do you get back all the British people… who live in Spain and France and all that? ‘Cause I gotta be honest, they’re not your best people. [audience laughing and applauding] Right? Like… you should have a TV show every night called One In, One Out. [audience laughing] And it’s like, “And who are we getting rid of today? Okay, well, first of all, we’re getting rid of Rosita. Rosita is a nurse who took care of the elderly, who incidentally voted her out. And…” [audience cheering] “And who are we getting back? We’re getting… Barry!” [audience laughing] “Barry’s a cab driver who won ten grand on a scratchy and moved to Majorca.” Feels like a fair swap you got there. See, immigrants are good. You wanna have them, man. You wanna have them. Unless they’re fucking Mexicans. [yells] I live in LA, you wouldn’t believe the problems we have with Mexicans. Fucking dirty Mexicans. They come over the border, and they’re taking all the good jobs. They can’t even speak English, they’re taking all the good jobs. I don’t know how they do it, but they do. [audience laughing] Sometimes I look at my son, and I think… “If only he could pick fruit someday.” [audience laughing] I have this woman who cleans my house twice a week. You wouldn’t believe the amount of white people who applied for that job. Oh! They were queued around the fucking block, and I was like, “Get the fuck away from my house. I don’t like explaining everything twice.” [yells] [audience laughing] [chuckles] This is what Trump reckons. Trump reckons that the Mexicans… are coming over the border… and they’re raping. I don’t know how, though. It just doesn’t feel like the opportune time. [audience laughing] You’re trying to flee a country, you’re dehydrated, you’re in the desert. [audience laughing] That would be the last thing on my mind, but that’s because I’m not as sneaky as a Mexican. “They’re coming over the border and they’re raping.” Sure, maybe some of them. You know, maybe. But some of every nationality rapes. It’s not like it’s a Mexican thing. It’s not like if you go to a really authentic Mexican restaurant… [audience laughing] And there’s like a fucking sombrero and a piñata, and you walk in with your wife and kids, like, “This is very nice. This is a lovely restaurant.” Then, a waiter takes you away from your family… [audience laughing] Off to the special Mexican closet. You come back out, your ass is like a Japanese flag. [audience laughing] You look at your wife, and you’re like, “Why do we keep coming here? Every week. If the food wasn’t so good…” It’s not a Mexican thing. Sure, some of them are rapey. Every nationality rapes. You have British rapists, you have Australian rapists, or Australia wouldn’t exist in its current state. There’s… [audience laughing] There’s probably a Canadian rapist, one fella. Polite bloke. You know, a nice bloke. Where you’re going for a jog, and he just drags you into some bushes, like, [imitating Canadian accent] “I’m so sorry about this. I’m so sorry.” I won’t be too long. I don’t want to ruin your day.” [audience laughing] That’s why I do believe there should be a wall. There should be a wall… on the Canadian border. [audience laughing] So that when the Americans run out of health care, they can’t crawl over into Canada. I think the Canadians should just make the wall three foot high. [audience laughing] Just to take the piss. [audience laughing] So that when the Americans are crawling over, because their lungs are filled with coal from getting all their jobs back. [audience laughing] Like, who the fuck… wants their job back in the coal mine? Like, what the fuck is… They’re like, “We’re gonna get our coal mining jobs back.” What the fuck? I didn’t even know coal was still a thing. As soon as Trump said it, I’m like, “Is this is a fucking Dickens novel? What the fuck?” And why the fuck do these people deserve to have a job? What, because their dad had a job, and their grandfather had the same fucking job, and their great-great grandpappy… Have some fucking dreams, you low aspirational fuck. [audience laughing] And they say things, they’re just like this, like, “If the coal mine shuts down, then the whole town will shut down.” Yeah, fuck your town. Fuck it. [audience laughing] Fuck it. In my lifetime, the population of the world has gone from three billion to seven billion, and no one wants to move to your fucking town. Take a fucking hint. [audience laughing] No, it’s good. No hecklers, happy. I don’t like the hecklers. I was doing the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland. I have to say Scotland, ’cause American people are watching. Um… I was doing the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland, and I was performing in front of about 400 people. I was doing a routine I’ve done in one of my older specials that I don’t do any more, about how you have to baptize your children, because if you don’t baptize your children, and they die in infancy, then they don’t get into Heaven. Because God’s a good guy… [audience laughing] but he does have some rules. And if he lets one dead baby into Heaven, then he has to let all the dead babies into Heaven. And before you know it, Heaven’s just filled with fucking dead babies. [audience laughing and cheering] So I’m on stage kicking dead babies around, as you do at work. And this woman in the fourth row, very attractive, but she’s in hysterics. She’s crying, her eyes are bawling, and she just stands up and goes… [imitating Scottish accent] “You fucking bastard! You bastard!” And then she just leaves the room just in hysterics. [screams] I’m still fucking mid-kick, like… [audience laughing] And then her husband stands up… and he picks up her handbag, and he holds the handbag like all men hold handbags. Two hands in front of the chest. [audience laughing] “I’m holding this for someone else, so…” Anyways, he picks up the handbag, he holds it, we can still hear her screaming. She went out the door, she’s screaming. The staff are trying to calm her down. She’s screaming, and the husband stands up, and he goes… “I’m sorry, Jim. I’m sorry, everyone. We were expecting our first child and she miscarriaged at seven months. That was six weeks ago and the baby was due this week. So we decided to leave the house for the first time and forget about our problems…” [audience laughing] “And to try to have a laugh.” [audience laughing] “Anyway, Jim, the first half of the show was really great.” [audience laughing] And then he just leaves awkwardly, like, “Excuse me. Sorry.” We can still hear her screaming. Men and women in the room are crying their eyes out, which isn’t good for comedy, and… and I’m trying to bullshit my way out of it. I’m on stage going, “Hey… that joke was more about the hypocrisy of religion rather than dead babies, per se.” Uh… [audience laughing] And as I’m doing that, in the second row a Geordie fellow from Newcastle, England, he stands up in the second row, and he points at me, really angry like this, and he goes… “To be fair… she’s fucking hot.” [audience laughing] And this sentence fell out of my mouth so fast, I couldn’t put the words back in. I went, “Ah, well, they get to keep their figure when they don’t carry them full-term.” [audience groaning] I’m not proud of this. I’m just reporting it. As soon as I said it, bottles just started getting thrown at me. Just fucking… Whoof! I’m like, fucking from The Matrix, like… [yells] And I was just like, “Good night!” [audience laughing] That was many years ago. If you’re watching this special at home, I hope you had a kid since then. Um… [chuckles] What am I gonna do? Her miscarriage brought so much joy to other people. Uh… [audience laughs nervously] I dislike deaf people. [audience laughing] Actually, I need to rephrase that. I don’t dislike deaf people. I hate sign language people. Sign language people fuck me up the wall. I don’t mind the deaf. Individually, deaf people can be a delight. [audience laughing] It’s when deaf people get into packs, I don’t like them. If you get a group of deaf people… If you get eight or more deaf… like a herd of… A… A gaggle or a… What can we all agree on? A murder? [audience laughing] If you get a murder of deaf, if you get eight or more deaf, and I have no problem with them. I just want to say that right again. If you get eight or more deaf, and you’re in a theater in America, they will be seated like this– They’ll be seated four and four, right? ‘Cause what happens is, if you get a murder of deaf, the American government will pay for a sign language person. Probably not for much longer, but at the moment it’s a thing. Uh… [audience laughing] The American government will pay for a sign language person to stand here. Now, the sign language person is normally a frumpy chick who learned sign language so she could date a deaf guy out of her league, but whatever. Anyway… [audience laughing] So… But no one ever tells me. They never say, “Jim, there’s a sign language person.” They never fucking tell me. So I come out, “Please welcome Jim Jefferies,” I walk out, I see the sign language person, I’m like, “Ah, fuck me.” ‘Cause I’ve never had a good show if a sign language person is standing there. Never fucking happened. Because the deaf people are having a horrible time. They’ve watched me on Netflix, they’ve read my lips, and they’ve had the subtitles, and they’ve seen the facial expressions. Now they’re not even looking at me. They’re looking at her, and her comedy timing fucking sucks dicks. [audience laughing] And they can’t modulate their sound, so they’re just like, “This is a shit show,” and I’m like, “No! It’s not a shit show! And she’s like, “Not a shit show.” Like that. [audience laughing] Now I know what you’re thinking. “What’s the big deal? That’s eight people out of thousands. Who gives a fuck?” I’ll tell you why. You can’t have a good comedy show with a sign language person, because the human brain isn’t fully developed. If I swear, and there’s a sign language person standing there, every single fucking one of you will go, “And what would that word be?” [audience laughing] I do it myself while I’m onstage. [audience laughing] So I’ll teach you the word you wanna know. “Cunt,” obviously. You wanna know “cunt.” [audience cheering] All right, so that’s “vagina.” This is “cunt.” [audience laughing] Gotta give it a bit of attitude, it needs to be a snap. [audience laughing] You ever see deaf person look at you like, “You cunt!” Like that. That’s a deafie who don’t like you. Then there’s fun ones, like “bullshit,” right? So you do, like, a bull’s head… Cross it around, bullshit. It’s adorable. Bullshit. I always feel sorry for deaf people who are in relationships with other deaf people. Because occasionally, you must be fighting. You’re coming home from a party. You’re trying to be a safe driver. And your wife’s being a fucking bitch… [audience laughing] [audience applauding] Bullshit. [audience laughing] And then… Then there’s things that are just like… There’s different dialects for sign language. ‘Cause I’ve done this whole thing, right? So in Britain… this is “Jew.” [audience laughing] Seems bad, right? Wait till you see America. This is “Jew” in America… [audience laughing] I don’t know why, but that is more offensive than that. So if you ever see a deaf person, like, “You Jew cunt!” Like that. That’s a Trump-voting deaf you got yourself there. [audience laughing] Then there’s things where you feel like the deaf aren’t educated. Like, this is “gay men.” [audience laughing] That’s what the deaf think the gays get up to. [audience laughing] [chuckles] They think they get in a room and bash dicks together. [audience laughing] Now, I was… doing that routine in New Zealand or something, I was doing that, and a guy yelled out, “Oh, that’s docking.” I said, “What’s docking?” And then he didn’t say anything. And then I went home and I googled “docking.” And wasn’t that a waste of four hours. [audience laughing] Just a show of hands. Who knows what docking is? Wow, it’s a lot. For the rest of you, you’re in for a treat. This is docking: You need two men… And both of them have to have erect dicks at the same time. It’s already weird, isn’t it? Anyway, one dick… ideally, to dock… [chuckles] One dick needs to be, like, a circumcised dick. And the other dick needs to be a European fella. [audience laughing] Let’s talk about this very quickly. Okay, so… I’m circumcised. I know you are all not circumcised. I know you’re not, right? I got my son circumcised. Right? When I got my son circumcised, I mentioned on a late night show that I got my son circumcised, and I got a lot of hate mail and people freaking the fuck out and saying I mutilated my kid and all this type of stuff, and… Look, people do it for different reasons. It’s a personal thing. Right? Some people circumcise their children for religious purposes. Some people do it for medical reasons. The reason I got my son circumcised is so that when he is older, women will enjoy having his dick in their mouths. [audience laughing] I did it because I love him. And your dicks are fucking disgusting. You fucking animals. How do you fucking look at your dick and have any level of self-respect? Every fucking day, your fucking hooded, slimy fucking dicks. [audience laughing] My dick smells constantly. It’s an eternal battle against that smell. I can’t even imagine what you accept in your life. Do you know that it’s not in porn? It’s not in fucking porn. Uncircumcised isn’t in porn. Because the people that make porn are trying to run a business, and they don’t want people fucking vomiting when they’re masturbating. You can’t go into a porn site and put “uncircumcised.” It doesn’t come up. Your dick is less of a fetish than feet, you fucking disgusting animals. [audience laughing] Name me one time where extra skin on the body is a good thing. [audience laughing] When someone gets old, they get that turkey neck and they’re like, “Ooh, I’ve been looking forward to this.” Some fucking 500-pound cunt loses 300 pounds, has a big elephant ear of skin, and the doctor goes, “Oh, lucky you! Extra skin. Women love extra skin.” [audience laughing] Anyway, so docking, you need two dicks, right? [audience laughing] A lovely, pristine dick, and… a horrible dick. [audience laughing] Then you line the two dicks up… and with your slimy hood… you get that bit, and you stretch it over the nice dick. -Now… -[audience groans] that’ll make a seal. Now, the only way to break that seal is to pop a bit of air out of the side and gently release, like it’s a Tupperware lid. [audience laughing] ‘Cause you can’t just pull against it, ’cause then it’s like a Chinese finger trap. Now that the dicks are docked… you just gently bash dicks. [audience laughing] There’s probably kissing, isn’t there? I imagine you’d kiss. Your mouths are aligned, probably… [audience laughing] And then if you’re into each other, you’ll come simultaneously on each other’s dick heads. [audience groans] That’ll make a cum bubble of sorts… that eventually will just go, “Blugh.” [audience laughing] And that’s docking. [chuckles] Now, it’s weird, because… People– I sort of got more popular, because of a routine that I did on gun control, and… [audience cheering] People come and see me because of the gun control routine, and they want me to do some political commentary or some social commentary, and then I just did, like, what was that, ten minutes on docking. [audience laughing] And the thing about the gun thing is weird. It’s nice to have that as a calling card, that people want to see you because they liked that routine, but then also, it’s a double-edged sword because… I get more popular after a massacre, and that’s really not what you want. It’s not like you’re sitting at home, “Ooh, there’s been a massacre. ” Uh… It’s tough, because people think if you talk about gun control in America, you’re talking about banning guns. I’m not talking about banning guns. I’m talking about controlling guns. See, after what happened in Las Vegas… That guy shot all those people. I think he had 48 guns or something like that. All the news people were like, “Gun control wouldn’t have done anything, because he bought all the guns legally.” And you’re like, “Yeah… gun control could have fucking solved that. How about if we brought in a law where you’re allowed seven?” [audience laughing] “If you can’t protect your family with seven, you’re no fucking good with the guns.” [audience laughing] So this whole idea that if you bring in gun control, you’re going to ban guns, is a load of bullshit, because there already is gun control. There’s things like you can’t put a bayonet on the end of your gun. ‘Cause that would make your gun too stabby. [audience laughing] And it’s the right to bear arms, it’s not the right to bear guns. It’s the right to bear arms. Arms are weapons. See, in Texas, you can open carry an assault rifle on your back into Target. You can’t walk into Target with a chainsaw. People would think that’s fucking weird. You walk into Target… [imitates a chainsaw] Security would be like, “What the fuck with the chainsaw, man?” You’ll be like, “This is my protection chainsaw! This is to protect me and my family! You’ll be happy I’m here if a bad guy with a chainsaw comes in. ‘Cause the only way to stop a bad guy with a chainsaw is a good guy with a chainsaw.” [audience laughing and cheering] See… this idea that all guns are for protection is fucking bullshit. They’re not all for protection. You can buy sniper rifles. [audience laughing] Rifles that can shoot two kilometers. How is that for protection? Who the fuck… is sitting in the front of their house… [audience laughing] looking at some cunt two kilometers away… like, “Back down!” [audience laughing] But you know, I understand. People love their families. They wanna fucking… I’m actually gonna say something now that’ll make some people upset. It’s weird that I say it. I’m a single dad now. I’ve been a single dad for over a year. When people hear it, they go, “Oh, that’s a shame.” Not a shame. Me and my ex weren’t getting along. We’re still good friends now. I’ll tell you how we broke up. This is literally how me and my ex broke up. I bought a house five doors down from my house, and she goes, “What did you get that for?” And I went, “For you to live in.” [audience laughing] And she high-fived me and skipped down there. She was happy to go as well. So now I’m a single dad, and the weird thing is about being a single dad is, before that, I used to go on and on and on about what a great parent I was. But I wasn’t a great parent. I wasn’t. I was just a guy who lived with a four-year-old. This is how I used to parent. I used to walk around the house, I saw my son playing with a toy, I would be like, “What are you playing with there? Lego! Sounds fun. All right.” [audience laughing] And then his mum would take him to bed, and I’d go, “Good night, sweet dreams, my prince!” I was a shit parent. Well, now it’s just me and him. And so I have this four-year-old that comes once a… every… Every second week, I get my kid. He comes over, I try to make it as normal a family life as we can, but the little cunt only eats four different foods. [audience laughing] He eats macaroni and cheese, chicken and fucking pizza and apples. I try to make him eat other things, but his mother doesn’t. It’s a big argument, that’s why she lives in another fucking house. Anyway… But he comes over and I try to have family meals with him, right? So it’s just me and him so I make him chicken, I have to bread it, I have to do things, I have to make it a certain level, and then I cut up some apples, and then I sit there, and then he comes and eats dinner with me. And I’m not gonna make two fucking meals, so I’m eating fucking chicken and apples as well. [audience laughing] So we’re sitting there eating a meal, and I don’t let him watch TV while we’re eating. That’s family time, so it’s me and him. But I got to be honest, I want to watch the TV. The conversation runs out pretty fucking quick. He hasn’t got a lot going on. I go to him, “How was your day?” And he goes, “I don’t know,” and I go, “What did you do at school?” He goes, “Drew a picture,” and I’m like, “Fuck, this is a long meal.” [audience laughing] Anyway, so I make him the chicken, I make him the apples, and then I take him upstairs for bedtime at 8:30, and he has a bath and I wash his hair and I put him in some pajamas, and he’s all fresh and clean. I put him in the bed, I sing him the same song every day. And then I read him a story and I wait till he falls asleep and then I go downstairs and watch TV. And then about two hours later, about 10:30, I just hear screaming, just… [screams] I run up the fucking stairs, I get up there, he’s covered in vomit. He’s vomited all over. He’s got vomit through his fucking hair. I pick him up, he’s shitting. Right, he’s shitting and vomiting onto me. So he’s vomiting onto me, but he’s shitting in front of where I’m walking. So I’m walking through shit as vomit’s coming onto me. I put him on the toilet. I get him a bucket. He is now shitting and vomiting simultaneously. Now, maybe I didn’t cook that chicken long enough. [audience laughing] Anyway… So he’s just sitting there. He’s never had food poisoning before. I had the same meal. The little cunt’s just got a weak constitution. Anyway, so… He’s sitting there shitting and vomiting at the same time. The poor little fella, ’cause he’s four, his brain doesn’t compute that this won’t go on forever. He actually looked at me, shitting and vomiting, he looks at me and goes, “I guess this is me now.” [audience laughing] I’m just laughing like, “You’ll be all right, fella. You’ll be all right.” Anyway, this goes on for a couple hours, where it’s about midnight now. He’s empty. Everything’s out of his body. I give him another bath, and I wash him off, and I wash all the vomit out of his hair, and I put him in some new pajamas, and I say, “Come sleep in my bed, mate. Everything’s going to be all right.” And he sleeps in my bed, and I pat his back until he goes to sleep. And then I go to sleep. And then two hours later, I shit the bed. [audience laughing] Now… this wasn’t like… like I woke up with cramps and went… [groans] And then I shit the bed. No, the shit and the waking up was a simultaneous thing. I was lying there, and went… [makes a splat sound] [groans] He’s fast asleep, and I just shit the bed next to a four-year-old. Which I assume is a crime. I’ve never felt so sick, and I get out, and I’m in my underwear, there’s just shit pouring down my thighs, and I’m like… [screams] And I vomit on the floor, and I’m walking through my own vomit, and I’m shitting onto the vomit, and I make it all the way to my toilet… and I sit there and I’m shitting… I didn’t have a bucket, so I’m just vomiting into the fucking bathtub, and shitting, and I actually said out loud, “I guess this is me now!” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Now, I’m there for a couple of hours. I’ve taken all my clothes off, so now it’s, like, five in the morning… and I’m fucking naked, just still shitting and vomiting. And my son wakes up. He’s feeling fresh as a daisy. [audience laughing] He comes in, his pajamas all clean, his hair’s all fluffy, he walks in. Holding his teddy, he walks around the pile of shit and vomit. [audience laughing] He walks in to see his father shitting and vomiting on the toilet. He looks at me and goes, “We had a tough night, didn’t we, Dad?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Now… I’m gonna tell you a story. Now, this story happened… uh… about a year and a half ago. I got booked to do a private party with a very famous… American singer. And I signed a contract to say that I would never say who booked me, how much I was paid, or who was at the party. But then I’ve just been telling people, and nothing’s happened, so… [audience laughing] So it’s… Mariah Carey. Now… I get a phone call from her management one day, and they say, “Mariah Carey’s a massive fan of yours.” And I said, “No, she’s not.” They go, “How do you know?” I said, “I don’t know the woman. I’ve never met her. But I know this. There is no scenario where Mariah Carey finishes a concert, goes home, pours herself a bath, lights a few candles, and goes, ‘Put on a bit of Jim Jefferies.’ And then sits there splashing around, going, ‘Women are cunts!’ No.” [audience laughing] I said, “She’s not a fan.” So they ring back and they go– Her fiance at the time… “Her fiance, James Packer, is a fan.” Now, James Packer is a very famous Australian billionaire. And she wanted to purchase me for his 50th birthday as a gift, right? Already weird, to be a human gift. [audience laughing] But I guess that’s what you buy billionaires. You can’t buy them materialistic things, ’cause they can purchase whatever they want. You buy them other human beings doing tricks. [audience laughing] So they ring me up, and they go… They go, “$15,000, 15 minutes. You just gotta perform at a dinner party. She lives half a mile away from you. Easy-peasy. And I said to my manager, Alex, I said, “Alex, that sounds fucking horrible. I’m not gonna do that.” And he rings back up ten minutes later, “$30,000… 15 minutes.” And I said, “Alex… I’m an artist.” [audience laughing] “I never let money make decisions for me.” Now, I think we all know where this is headed. [audience laughing] They rang back, “$60,000, 12 minutes,” and I was like, “Fuck it, what’s your address?” [audience laughing] So three weeks later… So for three weeks I was just dreading this gig, and then three weeks later, it’s like, all right, I show up at the house. I’m there in the middle of summer. I’m wearing a leather jacket and fucking T-shirt, I’m sweating my ass off, and I’m there with my manager, Alex, and someone… Mariah’s assistant opens the door, and goes, “Which one of you is Jim Jefferies?” -I’m like… -[audience laughing] The fucking career is crushing it, obviously. Uh… I said, “That’s me,” and she goes, “We’ve been waiting for you,” and she goes, “You’re not to be seen. You’re a surprise.” And I get into the house, she’s like, “Oh! Take your shoes off!” Mariah’s one of those cunts. Soon as you enter your house, you gotta feel uncomfortable, take your fucking shoes off. I don’t know if we have any of those Nazi fucking pricks in this room, but you’ve lost a lot of friends over this, you fucking lowlife cunts. [audience cheering] Anyway… So I take my shoes off. I’m the birthday surprise, so no one’s to see me, so they secretly get me into the kitchen. So I go into the kitchen. I’m sitting there, and then they give me some rich people food, which is the same as poor people food but has truffles on it. [audience laughing] I’m sitting there eating my fucking truffley food… [chuckles] I look at my manager, like, “I shouldn’t be here. It’s the worst idea I ever had.” -I shouldn’t do this.” -He’s like, “It’s going to be fine. It’ll be great. You’ll do great.” At that stage, Eddie Murphy walks into the kitchen. Now, Eddie Murphy, and I want this on film, is my childhood fucking hero. Delirious was such a big deal to me. [audience cheering] And was the reason that I tell these big long stories. He was the first comic I saw who told long stories. Anyway, I’m gonna do a terrible impersonation, but Eddie Murphy walks up to one of the catering people, he goes, “I’m all dehydrated. I need a Gatorade or a Powerade or something with ‘ade.’ I need electrolytes. My mouth is dry.” [audience laughing] And I’m just staring at him, like… Then he points at me, he goes, “Oh, I know you. You do the TV show with the disabled boy.” And I said, “I do do the TV show with the disabled boy!” And he goes, “I love that show. It’s a fantastic show. You’re masturbating off a little disabled boy in the sky. What a great show it was. What are you doing here?” And I said, “I’m gonna do stand-up for the dinner party!” And he went, “There’s no way that’s gonna work out,” and he just fucked off. [audience laughing] [clears throat] So I just break out into a fucking sweat, right? And then Mariah’s assistant comes up to me, and she goes, “It’s time.” Now, let me paint a picture for you. There’s 20 people in a garden, sitting at a long table, surrounded by tiki torches before tiki torches had racist connotations. They’re all famous people. They do not know that there’s any entertainment. Nor have I been announced. There is not a microphone. There is not a light. I’m walking out in my socks. [audience laughing] I just look like a guy who’s gotten onto the property… [audience laughing] And has a few things that he wants to say. [audience laughing] See, the difference between stand-up comedy and a drunk guy giving opinions? That’s it. [audience laughing] So I walk out, and so, Mariah Carey’s here, James Packer’s here, Eddie Murphy’s here. Al Pacino’s here, Warren Beatty’s here, and it gets less and less famous as we go along. [audience laughing] So I walk out, I’ve never done a birthday party before, so I just treat it like a kid’s birthday party. So I walk up to a 50-year-old man, and I go, “Hey, hey!” [audience laughing] “Happy birthday!” And he went, “Who are you?” And I went, “Who am I? I’m Jim Jefferies, your favorite comedian!” And he goes, “I don’t know you.” And I pointed at Mariah, and I said, “Mariah!” And Mariah’s on her seventh Xanax of the fucking day. [audience laughing] And she just looks over at him and goes, “Remember? We watched him on the computer doing something.” It was very clear that they were towards the end of their relationship, because he was just like, “Why do you talk?” [audience laughing] And I went, “Fuck it! I’ll tell some jokes anyway, shall I?” [audience laughing] At that stage, Leonardo DiCaprio walks in with three of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. He has it big, ’cause he just did that movie where he had sex with a bear. I haven’t seen it. He walks up. He stands next to me. Everyone greets him like he’s Norm from Cheers, right? Somehow, this cunt gets to keep his shoes on. [audience laughing] And he just chats to the table for three minutes. So for three minutes, I’m standing next to Leonardo DiCaprio like this… [audience laughing] After three minutes, he doesn’t even look at me. He just points at me and goes, “What’s all this about?” And Warren Beatty went, “We don’t know!” [audience laughing] Then Leonardo DiCaprio took the women over, and sat on some garden furniture, and I was like, “Fuck it, I’ll just go do 12 minutes. No one says anyone has to laugh, I just gotta fucking talk, right?” So I just started phoning in some fucking jokes. I just looked at them and went, “There’s a turtle at my kid’s school,” and I told the turtle routine, and I’m just fucking walking around telling the fucking turtle routine. James Packer is getting angrier and angrier, just like… “Fucking…” At one stage, he says to Mariah Carey at the same volume that I’m talking next to him, he says, “Why did you think I’d enjoy this?” Right? And I’m like, “Just keep smiling, Jim. Keep a song in your heart, and they can’t hurt you.” [audience laughing] So I keep going, and he’s getting angrier and angrier, and he just goes like this… “Gun control!” And I said, “Yes!” [audience laughing] “I’m the gun control guy!” And he goes, “I love that bit. Do that bit.” [audience laughing] And I said, “I haven’t performed that in over a year. I really don’t know how it goes,” and he went, “Just fucking do it.” And I went, “Okay!” So I started doing the gun control thing. So I’m like running across the lawn to do the fucking safe thing. Now, that routine… is 16-and-a-half minutes long. [audience laughing] I go through it in eight minutes. ‘Cause it turns out, it’s shorter without laughter. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] I did get a laugh, though. I got a laugh from James Packer. At the halfway moment during the routine, he just gave this, like, Australian billionaire… guttural fucking laugh. He just went, “Ha!” [audience laughing] This laugh is so distinctive to my Australian ear, that if I was in the Outback, and I heard it, I would become like Steve Irwin, and be like, “Oh! That’s the Australian billionaire.” [audience laughing] And then he just went… [guffaws] Because it was his birthday, it was like a moment in a medieval film where the king started laughing, and the rest of the courtyard was like, “The King is amused!” They all started laughing a little bit, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t having a good gig, but I was getting away with it. [audience laughing] So I finish up the show and I did a routine that was on my last special about how I’m a five in the looks department, but because I’m on TV I get to fuck sixes and sevens, but because I’m an alcoholic, I fuck fours and threes. [audience laughing] So I did that routine, then afterwards, I’m standing around with my manager, Alex, and we’re drinking, and Al Pacino and Warren Beatty walk up to us and they’re drunk as fuck, or… they’re just old. [audience laughing] And Al Pacino walks up to me, and this is the exact words he says, he went, “Oh! A couple of fives are talking to each other.” [audience laughing] And I forgot my routine, I’m like, “Sorry?” And he goes, “I’m a five. You’re also a five.” [audience laughing] Then I remembered, I went, “Well, I get to fuck sixes and sevens because I’m on the TV. I bet you’re fucking crazy nines and tens, right?” And he grabs one of the girls with Leo, and he drags her, and he goes, “You’re right.” [audience laughing] Then he pushed her away, and then Harvey Weinstein tackled her and dragged her into the bushes. [audience laughing and applauding] And then he goes like this, he goes, “I like what you do. You tell stories. Nobody tells stories anymore.” [audience laughing] “You tell a story, I’m enjoying myself. Oh, I’m enjoying myself. But then you get distracted and go on a tangent, and I think, ‘Oh, no… I’ll never hear the end of this tale.'” [audience laughing] But then you come back to the story, “and I’m like, ‘Wow! He remembered the whole time.'” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] And then he kept talking for, like, ten minutes and at the ten minute mark, I hadn’t said a word, and he literally said, he goes, “You haven’t said anything!” [audience laughing] “Am I talking too much?” And I said, “Mr. Pacino, this is one of the greatest moments of my life. Please keep talking till I come.” [audience laughing] And he said, “A challenge!” [audience laughing] Then he said to me, he goes, “Do you act?” Al Pacino says, “Do you act?” and I’m like, “I’ve acted. [chuckles] I’m not an actor. I’m a comedian.” And he goes, “Oh! I know a lot about acting,” and I was like, “Yeah you do.” [audience laughing] And he’s like, “You’re going to be a great actor! A great actor!” And I’m like a fat chick being hit on. I’m like… [audience laughing] Then he went, “No, fuck it! Don’t act! You’re better than us. Acting’s for idiots like me and him. He points at Warren Beatty, and Warren Beatty, at this stage, is looking at a moth going around a tiki torch, like… [audience laughing] He goes, “You’re better than us. You tell stories. You’re a director.” And I’m like, “All right.” He’s like, “Say it for me. Say, ‘I’m a director.'” [audience laughing] I went “I’m a director.” [audience laughing] And he went, “Say it again!” And I went, “I’m a director.” And he goes, “One more time. But this time I need more passion from you, George Jamison.” [audience laughing] So I just got the fever and I went, “I’m a director!” Everyone there stopped what the fuck they were doing. They all stared at me, and I went, “I don’t know what’s going on.” [audience laughing] Warren Beatty’s all confused. He leans over and goes, “Um… What do you direct?” You know when you’re a kid in your teens, you just lie all the time? But you don’t really lie past 30. You lie to get yourself out of trouble. Lies like, “I don’t know that girl, I was somewhere else.” Right? [audience laughing] I just did one of those teenage lies. He goes, “What do you direct?” And I said, “I’ve directed two independent films… and I have a big budget film in the works with Warner Bros.” [audience laughing] And then Warren Beatty looks at me and goes, “Um… How can we stay in touch?” And I just went… “I’m fucking lying, man.” [audience laughing] And before I could say anything else, my manager saw that I was drowning in this conversation, he swooped in, so Hollywood-y, he goes, “I love this. Jim Jefferies, Warren Beatty, you’re gonna make a lot of great films together. Here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re gonna take my number, Warren, I’m gonna take yours. We’re gonna stay in touch.” They start swapping numbers and I’m standing off to the side, like, “I don’t know what the fuck this is.” [audience laughing] Before I could say anything stupid, Alex puts his arm around me, and drags me out of the party. I’m like, “I don’t know what just happened, Alex.” He turned me and went, “You’re gonna have to learn how to direct.” [audience laughing and cheering] Now, before we go, on all my specials, I do this little bit at the end. Um, I mention depression. Depression has been something that has been a major part of my life. Not just my life, but my father’s life, and it has sort of controlled… um, everything for me. Now, if you’re suffering from depression… As I hit 40, it’s gotten a bit better. And it’s gotten a bit better because I was speaking to my dad, who’s 76, and I said, “Dad, why aren’t you depressed?” And he said, “Ah… what are you going to do?” Now… [audience laughing] That actually said something to me. It said something big in my brain, actually, it flicked a switch. All right, ’cause I wasted my 20s being depressed, the prime years of my life. I wasted most of my 30s being depressed, and a lot of you may have done that as well. But this is the thing, right? The only reason we’re depressed in our 20s and our 30s and our 40s, the prime of our life, is because of hope. [audience laughing] ‘Cause we think that something better is fucking coming, right? You think you’re gonna make it. You think you’re gonna be something. “What if I don’t meet the woman of my dreams?” “What if I don’t get the career I want?” And then when you’re old, you go, “Ha!” [audience laughing] “I guess none of that happened.” [audience laughing] But then you’re happy to be alive. See, I spent weeks, in my 20s, in my fucking bed going, “I don’t want to live. I can’t get out of my fucking bed.” You know who doesn’t do that? People in their 90s. You don’t meet depressed people in their 90s. I used to be like, “I can’t get up.” People in their 90s are like, “I’m up!” [audience laughing] “Did it again! Boom!” [audience laughing and cheering] So all you have to do is outlive your depression. [audience laughing] And then embrace the things that make you fucking weird. All right, I’m 40, about to turn 41 in a few weeks, and… [scattered cheers from crowd] I’ll tell you a weird thing about me. I have a passion. My passion is this. I like little things that look like they should be big things. I act like they’re full-size, but that I’m a giant. [audience laughing] I’ll give you an example. When you’re in a shitty hotel, they give you a little box of breakfast cereal? I act like that’s a full-size box of breakfast cereal. Then I walk up to people and go, “This is a full-size box of breakfast cereal. I’m a giant!” Like, my ex, Kate, she had to stop buying cherry tomatoes and baby carrots, ’cause whenever we had them in the house… [audience laughing] I was a pain in the ass. I was always like, “Kate! It’s a regular size tomato! I’m gonna eat it in one bite! ‘Cause I’m a giant, Kate!” Every time we went to a restaurant and I ordered sliders, she was like, “Fuck, here we go.” [audience laughing] You don’t wanna be sitting next to me on a plane when you get that little bottle of vodka. I’m a nightmare. I’m like… [yells] “Everyone, I should be drunk! I just drank a whole bottle of vodka. But I’m not… ’cause I’m a giant!” Now, this all came to a head when my son was two. We were trying to put him in preschool, and we went around to the different schools, we’re taking the tours, and we were on this one tour, at the school he actually ended up at, and they were showing us the play equipment in the classrooms, and then we walked into the toilets. [audience laughing] And they had these toilets for two-year-olds, which had little tiny bowls, a little tiny seat, a little tiny water thing, and a little tiny flusher, and as soon as I saw them… [audience laughing] I was in heaven. And the rest of the group kept walking, and I acted like I was walking, but I wasn’t. ‘Cause I had to stick around, because I had to do a shit on a little toilet. [audience laughing] I didn’t even need to do a shit. This was an extra unnecessary shit. I had done a shit two hours earlier. So I pull down my pants, and I get on the little toilet, now, maybe the happiest I’ve ever been. [audience laughing] So I’m doing this shit, and the hole’s so small, it only covers my asshole, so my cock and balls are sitting up… on the lip of the seat, and I’m just beaming, but then I reach a dilemma. Often, when you shit, you also need to wee. [audience laughing] And my dick wanted to wee, but I was just shitting, so my dick was confused. My dick was like, “Name me a scenario where shit is welcome and wee isn’t.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “We’re just shitting right now.” It’s like, “Fuck it, I’m gonna wee,” and I’m like, “Please don’t wee! ‘Cause if you wee, I’ll become a sex offender, and Hank won’t get into the school… and Kate won’t get happy.” Now, at this stage, Kate realizes I’ve left the group. [audience laughing] And she walks back in to see the father of her child doing a shit on a little toilet, with his cock and balls sitting up on the lip. The look of disappointment that just flooded her face… I just looked at her like this. [audience laughing] “I’m a giant, Kate!” Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. I loved every minute of it. [audience cheering] [rock music playing] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-im-sorry-feel-way-2014-full-transcript/ | BILL BURR: I’M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY (2014) – Full Transcript | bill burr | [cheers and applause] All right, thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you? What’s going on? Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here in the greater Atlanta, Georgia, area, this oasis. It’s nice to be here. I don’t know why I came here in June. It’s nice to be here. Wasn’t thinking. Fucking ridiculously hot out there. Just miserable, horrible. That kind of heat, you understand the racism down here, ya know? I get it. How would you get along with anybody? “Look at ’em just over there, drinkin’ a cold drink! Lemonade was made for the white man!” So… What the hell have I been doing with my life? Trying to get in shape, man. But I hate going to the gym, so I decided I’d go veggie twice a week. It’s brutal. I can only make it till about 5:00. Five o’clock, that’s what I realized about myself, you know that? Something has to die every day in order for me to live. Something’s got to get its beak chopped off, its feathers yanked, uppercut to its jaw, just in order for me to survive. I’m trying! Couscous and all that shit. It’s awful. I saw this thing, though. They said if everybody went vegan, if everybody went vegan or vegetarian, whatever the hell they said. One of those “V” ones, right? They said it’ll be great for the environment, you know. I guess there’s all this cattle standing around, and when they fart, the gas goes up in the atmosphere and causes something. Right? They’re always doing that shit. You know, “If everybody went vegan, the air would be– If everybody drove an electric car, if everybody just had some snowshoes on.” Right? They just won’t come out and say it. Nobody has the balls to come out and just say, “Look, 85% of you have to go.” – That’s it! That is it. – [cheering and applause] I have been bitching about the population problem for three specials in a row. Waiting… for some politician to have the balls to bring it up, but they won’t do it, they won’t do it. We live in a democracy. Right? Can’t be honest in a democracy. You need the votes. You can’t run with that as your platform. Coming out there: “And if elected, I would implement a program to immediately eliminate at least 85% of you! This planet cannot sustain the sheer numbers– Let me finish! This will not be arbitrary. Under your seats is a multiple choice questionnaire! If you did not bring a pencil, you’re already out!” You can’t do that. You got to be nice. You got to be fuckin’ nice, especially this day and age. Everybody getting in trouble, all these goddamn groups out there, bitch, moaning and complaining anytime anybody says anything. “We’re part of a group, eh.” You gotta apologize. “I’m sorry to people who own Shar Peis. I didn’t mean to say that it’s an ugly-ass dog, nah.” Right? Fuck you and your group. What about that? What do you got, two million people in your group? There’s 400 million in this country. Nobody gives a shit. Right? Who the fuck joins a group? “I’m gonna join a group, that’s what I’m gonna do today.” Go to meetings. What kind of a fucking loser, right? That’s the same way I look at people who got upset about, you know, Michael Sam, the gay football player kissing his boyfriend when he got drafted. Everybody bitch, moaning and complaining. It’s like, dude, that’s what you get for watching the draft, all right? Now once again, what kind of a fucking loser just sits there watching round after round? “The Jets are up next. I think they need a quarterback. They need to improve their defensive line.” Dude, that’s like going to a graduation ceremony where you don’t know anybody who’s graduating. You’re just fucking sitting there. They’re gonna have the whole list the next day. They’ll have everybody. Who drafted who, when. Fucking got to sit there and watch that shit. Those stupid interviews. “Yeah, you’re a member of the Buffalo Bills. How does it feel?” “Well, you know, it’s a blessing. I want to thank God. Gonna try to do my best, it’s a great organization, and the same shit the last 80 guys said. So, yeah.” Yeah. I’m glad he kissed him. He should have fuckin’ blown him. Yeah! With birthday cake in his mouth and a Santa Claus hat on his head, just to ruin the entire year. Holding a flag. That fucks up Flag Day. You’ll keep thinking about it. Yeah. Fucking stupid-ass groups. People apologizing to ’em like they have some sort of power. Look, if you’re being a dick, apologize. But other than that, yeah, go fuck yourself. Yeah. [cheers and applause] Everybody getting in trouble, like a bunch of children. I was doing a gig in Dallas, and some waitress wrote on a piece of chalkboard. She goes, “We like our beer the way we like our violence, domestic.” Right? Now I got to tell you something. That’s a great fucking joke! There is zero fat on that. You need every word of that joke. You take one word out, it doesn’t work. It’s a perfect joke. So whatever, nobody gives a shit. One person comes in, they don’t like it, they ask the manager to take it down. He’s just like, “That’s our sense of humor here. Have a beer, go fuck yourself. That’s what we’re doing.” She takes a picture of it, puts it on Facebook. All of a sudden, people start complaining. They fired the manager and the waitress. Because of that. Yeah! I don’t understand, like, what do they think is gonna happen if somebody reads that joke? Like, you’re some guy who would never hit a woman, ya know. Would never hit a woman. You can’t hit women. You honestly cannot. You ever see how they fall? They fall like toddlers, you know? It’s like they never fell in their life. They never put their hands out. It’s horrific to watch. You can’t hit them. Right? So what are you telling me? Somebody… you’re telling me someone who never hit a woman is gonna come walking in, read that joke, you know, just be, “Wait a minute!” [shouts angrily] That’s the dumbest shit. They have all kinds of signs out there telling people not to hit women, people still do it. What do you think wife beaters are doing when they drive home? They’re like so focused on hitting their wife, they got blinders on, they’re not reading anything? They don’t see the “Don’t Hit Your Wife” billboard? They’re still gonna do it. Did that get too weird for you guys? Did the church organs make that fucked up like I was up here? “Make a pledge for Jesus and hit your women.” Ever watch some of those stupid religious shows? That fucking Joel Osteen, you ever see that guy? That guy is so full of shit, he doesn’t even open his eyes when he’s talking. “Take a pledge for Jesus. Are they still here?” He doesn’t even have the nerve to open his eyes. “You want some popsicles? Jesus wants you to have some popsicles. He wants you to have those popsicles.” His fucking electric blue carpet. Yeah, everybody’s getting in trouble ’cause of these goddamn groups. Look at the amount of old people that got in trouble this year. Old people get in trouble, right? That older woman there that makes the cookies on the Food Network, right? Yeah, Paula Deen. She got in trouble, ’cause she had this slavery-themed wedding or whatever the hell she did. In defense of her, you know, you want to have an original wedding. There’s not a lot of themes left, you know? You got to use the old imagination if you’re gonna try to blow people away with your creativity, right? I’m actually gonna have a Holocaust- themed pool party later on this summer. I am. “Once everyone gets in ze pool, ja.” “It was weird, it was like it was offensive but like refreshing, you know? I don’t know, I don’t know how I feel about it.” Yeah, she got in trouble. The old redneck on Duck Dynasty, that dude got in trouble. The owner of the Clippers got in trouble. And I’m not saying what these people did wasn’t offensive. I’m not sayin’ that shit. What pissed me off was at no point during all of these stories did anybody address their age, you know? They’re fucking old, you know? What did you think they thought? You never talked to a grandparent and asked the wrong question and all of a sudden, it went down this crazy road? “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s get back to the cookies, Grandma! Let’s leave that shit over here, what the fuck?” Yeah, they’re old. What did you think they thought? I mean– I’m gonna be honest with you. People were too hard on that Clippers guy, man, I’m telling you. For an 80-year-old white guy, that wasn’t that bad. All right? Dude, he didn’t drop the “N” word once. That’s unbelievable for an 80-year-old white guy. The “N” word should have been carpet-bombed through that whole tape. He never said it once! If you go back and listen to that tape– go back and listen to it. Other than Instagram, he’s pretty fucking liberal. He’s like, “You can hang out with them, you can have sex with them, just don’t promote it on Instagram.” Yeah, it was the weirdest, most compartmentalized, like, racism I ever heard in my life. Something about Instagram, I didn’t get it. Other than that, he was wide open. “You can make a snowman with them, go to a water park, rub your bellies together, just don’t promote it on Instagram.” “Hey, what about Facebook?” “I don’t give a fuck about Facebook! Keep it off of Instagram!” Yeah. Dude, you understand, the guy is 80 years old. Do the math. This dude was born in 1934. That’s 13 years before Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier. First 12 and a half years of this guy’s life, he watched all-white baseball, and it was fine! First 12 and a half years. “Up next, Whitey Willoughby! There’s a line shot out to Peter Peckerwood, what a catch! Unbelievable, in to Chris Cracker! What a great day. What a great day for a ballgame. White baseball, white players.” Dude, his parents were part of the generation that finished off the genocide of the Native Americans, all right? That’s who taught him his ABCs. You know? “~ A, B, C, D, E… ~ Hey, get that savage off my property! Get out of here! I thought we killed all you people! Put a fence around them! ~ H, I, J, K… ~” Yeah. What did you think was gonna happen? The owner of the Clippers, you know what his big crime was? He lived too long. He did. If he’d died around 1969, 1970, nobody would have noticed. Dude, look at Walt Disney, Walt Disney was a known anti-Semite. But he died in the early ’70s. Nobody gives a shit. Look at him, he’s got a castle, bunch of mice running around. Nobody cares. This guy kept living. Telling you, you can live too long. You can live too long, I’m telling you. You wear out your welcome. I swear to God, this fucking guy, I bet in the 1940’s, he was considered a hippie. You know? Just walking around, “Hey, you can hang out with ’em, you can have sex with ’em, man, you know?” His dad’s getting all pissed off: “Let me tell you something, see? You stay with your own! You stay with your own.” That’s true, though. Life can pass you by. It happens. You just keep living and living. Basically, I think you got, like, 25, 30 years to absorb as much as you can, and then that’s it, that’s all you know. ‘Cause right around then, you get married, and it’s over, right? You have a couple of kids, you’re sucked in the bubble. You don’t have time to pay attention to what’s going on out in the world. You’re stuck with these kids. “It’s shitting all over the place! Don’t be a serial killer! Don’t touch that!” You’re just stuck in that. You have three, four kids, that is a 25-year sentence, trying to get them all through college. Society just keeps fucking going. You get the last one through college, step back out of the bubble– You don’t know what happened. You’re not even paying attention. You go back to your old record collection. [scatting] Someone sticks a mike in your face, you’re gonna get in trouble. Yeah. It’s one of the sad things about life. You get old and it passes you by. I feel it passing me by. I’m 46 years old. I don’t even have kids, but I can’t keep up anymore. I had a college gig coming up, I was like, I gotta figure out what these kids are into. I was 24 when a senior was born. I got to figure out what these dudes are into, so I guess they’re into like, this like DJ music or some shit, so I’m like, all right, I’ll watch some of this. You know? So I have like a reference or two. I don’t want to be that old comic coming to the gig being like, “What’s up with this Monica Lewinsky? Is this crazy? I mean, this Y2K– Is my stylus gonna work? I don’t know.” So I put this shit on. Dude, I lasted 90 seconds. Ninety seconds. I was open-minded. “All right, put it on!” Ninety seconds later, I’m like this old man. “Ah, this isn’t music!” You know? “When I was a kid, you dressed like a woman and you sung about the devil. Now, that was music! And you had one ballad every album, started off in black and white and when the guitar solo came in, it went to color. Yeah, that was music.” Yeah. All of this shit’s passing me by. I’ll get in trouble later on in my life. Transgender athletes? I don’t fucking understand that, you know? I understand, you want to switch around, I don’t give a shit, but I’m a sports fan. That’s a really new concept to me, that you can be a dude, right? Ranked 80th in the fucking world. You have your dick cut off, you put on a sports bra, and now you’re the #1 tennis player in the world, just coming out there with your man shoulders. [grunting] That doesn’t seem fair. I might be wrong. I might just be an old guy, I have no idea. But I’m hearing rumors like some of them are getting into that MMA. You can’t have that shit. Am I nuts? That is a dickless dude beating the shit out of a woman. Jesus Christ! He might as well hit her with his discarded dick like a flashlight. “Hold still!” “Her ground and pound is incredible.” Yeah. I’m not saying these people are right, and I’m not saying that I’m right. I know I’m a fucking moron, ya know. But that Duck Dynasty guy– I know what he said was wrong, but I don’t get the shock. Said that homophobic stuff, and people are like, “Can you believe?” Yeah, I totally can believe it. If I was in Vegas, I would have put 90% of my shit on that he was gonna say it. I’d give him a 10% benefit of the doubt just in case. Are you seriously shocked some redneck with a beard down to his dick sitting in a boat in the middle of a swamp shooting varmints? Like, what did you think he thought? Did you think he had some progressive ideas on same-sex marriage? [cheers and applause] Yeah. Didn’t he think… Didn’t he think exactly what you thought… he thought, you know? You know what kills me too? That fuckin’ kinda shit, that homophobic stuff, that all comes from the church, man. Doesn’t it come from that shit? There’s something in there. I never read the Book, all right? I tried to. They need to fucking update it. They update iTunes every fuckin’ six days. Can we update the language and make it a little more user friendlieth… for someone like me? Right? That’s where he gets all those fucking ideas. That Duck Dynasty guy, it’s not his fault that he went to– He went to Sunday School in like 1949, you know? I think all of that shit comes from the church. They just fuckin’ brainwash you. You know? Don’t clap, don’t clap, I don’t read, I don’t read. Follow someone else. I’m telling you, they brainwash you. Come into the church, your brain’s all empty, they fill it like a jelly donut. [making squishing sounds] Just brainwash you. “~ Say what we say when we say it ~ ~ Say it again, then you can go home to your toys ~” “~ All right, I’ll say it ~ ~ I’ll say it again ~ ~ Now can I go home to my toys? ~” Right? And you repeat everything they say. The good, the bad, and the fucking horrific. They stick a star on your forehead. “You’re a big boy.” “Looks like people like me!” You get on with your life. You go to college, you get a master’s degree in English like this redneck dude had, he invents the new duck whistle or whatever the hell you call it, right. Yours goes, “Whack whack!” Mine goes, “Whack-a-fuckin’-whack!” Dude makes a zillion bucks, gets his own TV show, he’s loving life. And out of nowhere, here comes that same question sixty years later from Sunday School, and he stands up like the Manchurian Candidate. “Jesus liked hookers and lepers, doesn’t like the queers.” And everybody freaks the fuck out, and he’s like, “That’s what they said!” And they’re all dead. “Oh, where’d everybody go? I thought I was a good boy!” He’s just this scared old man getting yelled at in a boat. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why a group like GLAAD, right? I always forget, it’s Gay Lesbian A… whatever the fuck it stands for, all right? Why do they go after the old guy in the boat? Why don’t they go after the people writing the Book? Right? “Hey, could you please teareth outeth those coupleth of pages?” They’re not gonna do that. That’s the Vatican. They’re their own city. They got a wall around their own city. They’re brushing off cases of pedophilia like it’s nothing. They’re not taking that call. “Oh, what happened? Really? Go fuck yourself.” Click. They don’t care. [applause] I learned a long time ago, I think whatever you’re into, you’re into, but I’m not into that religious stuff where– And this is why. I actually walked away from my religion. I had to be honest with myself. One, I didn’t like to go– I didn’t like going to church every week, you know? I just didn’t. Part of it was I’m lazy. I don’t like getting up on Sundays, and the other part was I already heard all the stories, okay? Heard them three, four times, the Dude hasn’t come back yet. You know, we’re just sort of mulching over the same shit here, I got it. – Right? – [cheers and applause] And the other aspect was, you know, I actually– I had to be honest with myself. I felt my religion made sense and everybody else’s sounded stupid. [cackles] I did. Look, I’m not talking about the basis of every religion. Basis of every religion makes sense, you know, the Ten Commandments. Don’t kill anybody. Don’t touch my wife. That’s my bike. Right? That all makes sense. Of which, I’ve broken, I think I’ve broken just about every commandment except for the fifth one, that’s it. I haven’t killed anybody yet, right? But the murderous thoughts that I have sometimes, I think I could do it. Like when someone gets on a plane and they kick off their loafers, and they’re wearing those gold-toed, like, dress socks, and they cross their feet at the ankles, and they just start rubbing their feet together. Like, I see the whole thing, see the whole thing. Wrapping that sock. Shh… Shh… Shh… Right? See the whole thing, so we’ll see. Still early on, right? But just the stories of how we got here, and where we’re going, and what happens after we die, everybody else’s religion sounded stupid, you know? Like, I live out in Los Angeles, there’s a bunch of Scientologists out there, and the first time I heard the story of Scientology, I was like, “That is the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my life.” [man] Yeah! Like, your guy’s name is Ron? Ron! And he wasn’t alive thousands of years ago, so you can hide a lot of it in the mystery. This guy was alive, like, 45, 50 years ago. He had a driver’s license, Social Security number. There’s like footage of him stubbing his toe. “Motherfucker!” Right? I know what happened. He was working at Denny’s, he got sick of it. “I’ll start a religion. Hey, everybody, there’s this spaceship coming back. Everybody’s getting sneakers. This is Tom Cruise. We’re gonna try to make you clear, right?” Look, I’m paraphrasing, I’m paraphrasing. To be fair to the Scientologists, I am paraphrasing, but that’s essentially what they believe in. And I said that is the dumbest shit I ever heard while simultaneously still kind of believing that a woman who never got fucked had a baby that walked on water, died, and came back three days later. So… Yeah. That made total sense to me. So it just hit me one day, I was like, why does that make sense and that shit doesn’t, you know? They got a spaceship in theirs, you know? We– right? We got the space shuttle, you know? There’s sneakers. There’s a lot of shit I can relate to in this. Why does that sound so dumb to me? You know what it is? I think it’s ’cause I heard their story when I was an adult. I heard my story when I was four years old, right? When I heard my story, there was still some fat fuck coming down the chimney, giving me Christmas toys. If I lost a tooth, there was a fairy. There was the Easter Bunny. Why wouldn’t there be some bearded baby moonwalking across the lake? Throwing out bottomless buckets of shrimp or whatever He did? Of course that made sense. What happened was, as I got older, all of that stuff started to fall, right? “Ah, son, there is no fat fuck, it’s your mother and I. Your mom’s the Tooth Fairy, rabbits don’t have eggs, her tits are fake, the NBA is fixed! Bankers are cunts! Most of your dreams won’t come true!” Right? And I was just like, “Wow, this is how the world is.” And meanwhile this shit was just floating, this 800-pound gorilla of this fucking story. I just had to make a decision, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do with this? Am I gonna cling to it, be that person? “That’s very offensive to me and other Christians and…” Become that douche? All right? And be like the casual Christian, right, with, like, one foot on base, just, “Yeah, I kind of go, a couple of times a year, and, like, if my parents come to town, I act like I go all the time, and I don’t go anymore.” Or my last option, which was basically just, just let go of the shit, you know? Just let go. [cheers and applause] Just let go of it like that creepy moment in curling. You know. That moment where the shooter, or whatever you call them, is just sliding with that rock, right? Just let me do this right, just sliding. And you think he’s along for the ride, the two of them, they’re a team, and all of a sudden out of nowhere he just goes fucking… That rock just keeps going, this dude just stops. That’s what I did with my religion. I just let go of it. I didn’t read a riot act to anybody, I just let go of it. “And on the third day, He rose again in fulfillment of the Scriptures…” I just floated away. [cheers and applause] So now it’s like, I’m in this weird place where I’m not in any religion right now. Unrestricted free agent. You know? [cackles] I’d like to believe in something, so I’ve been going around asking people what their shit is, and I haven’t been able to find anything. Trying to be open-minded. I was doing a gig in Helsinki, and over there, they’re, like, Lutheran, and what they believe, they believe when you die, you’re dead and that’s it. Dead, like a pigeon, just– just layin’ there. Over. Blew my mind, I’m like, “Really? You’re just dead?” Like my religion was you die, and then you go up to get judged, right? God pops in the DVD of your life. “Well, I don’t know about this right here. Mind explaining yourself?” This might be the most arrogant thing I say all night, but I actually resent the fact that I’m gonna get judged someday. Like, if that’s true, that somebody’s gonna judge me, that doesn’t even make any sense. It’s like, Dude, you made me, so this is your fuck-up. All right? Let’s not try to turn this around on me. You know? Jesus Christ. You give me freedom of choice, you make whores, you have me suck at math, and you don’t think this thing’s gonna go off the rails? Like, you set me up to fail, and now you got the balls to now question… your own goddamn work. Dude, if I made a car, if I built a car and it didn’t run, I wouldn’t burn it forever. “You evil piece of shit!” Just light it on fire. I wouldn’t, I would troubleshoot. Is there gas in the engine? Is the battery charged? “Anything beyond this, I got to get a real man to look at it, but I believe in you. I’m gonna try and help you out.” Yes, my religion, it’s nuts. It’s fucking nuts. Like, my religion, like, the way I was brought up is like, you know, you can make it to heaven but, like, some of your family members possibly couldn’t, or some of your friends. Doesn’t even make sense. Like how am I supposed to enjoy heaven if that’s the deal, right? Just sitting here, waiting for my friends to show up, “Jesus Christ, where the hell are they? It’s been, like, 150 years! They must have ate a lot of Brussels sprouts or some shit! Doing some yoga, right?” And then one day, it just settles in that they didn’t make it. And then what, I’m still gonna enjoy heaven, right? Jesus coming walking over: “Hey, how is it going, everybody? Isn’t this great? Isn’t this great?” “Yeah, Dude, it’d be even better if all my family members and friends weren’t burning for fucking ever! Kind of hard to enjoy heaven when you just keep thinking of that there, J-star, what do you think? Hey, Dude, I didn’t ask you to come over. You came walking over with your big, dumb sandals. ‘Hey, hey, how is it going over here?’ Why did you come over here? I don’t give a damn. Dude, tell your dad. I don’t give a fuck! I’m already in here, I’m already in here. What, are you gonna kick me out afterwards? Go fuck yourself. I knew He was gonna be like that, I knew it. The boss’s son is the worst. Fucking sense of entitlement.” So yeah, so they believe when you die, you’re dead. And I was like, so you’re just dead. Like, how do you wrap your head around not existing? I couldn’t get my head around it. He goes, “Well, like before, when you were born, do you remember that?” And I was like, “No,” and the guy’s like, “Yeah, it’s just like that.” I’m like, not only does that make sense, that is absolutely terrifying. Dude, I got to be honest, I hate how scared I’m getting as I get older. I’m developing all these new fears. Like, I have a fear of flying now. I never had a fear of it. It’s not straight-across-the-board flying. I don’t like small planes all of a sudden. I just don’t like them, and it has nothing to do with the plane. I believe in the planes, okay? I just don’t believe in the pilots. ‘Cause you know what? I don’t think the airline does, either. Which is why that dude is flying that little plane. The airline was basically, like, “All right, we’ll give you, like, 28 people. See how you do, you know? You fly them up, you land, you bring another 28 back. We’ll let you do this for a while. You do this for a while, we don’t get any complaints, no up and down, up and down, none of that shit, we’ll move you up to 35 people. And then one day, you’ll be in a jet–” Whoo! We’re going a little faster. Right? Big planes, you’re getting the fuckin’ pilot that knows what he’s doing. He’s probably fought in a war. He’s used to getting shot at. He can’t bring this bus in? It’s a joke. Right? A bunch of people whining in the back, “My headphones don’t work!” He doesn’t give a fuck, right? He’s up there sleeping. He’s trying to make something happen, he’s so goddamn bored. That’s a stud up there, right? So one time I’m flying into Albany, New York, okay, a city that nobody really goes to. So I’m on a smaller plane, and everything is going great. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, we hit this turbulence. [imitating sounds of turbulence] And it stops, and everybody looks around laughing nervously, like… [nervous laughter] All of a sudden, it comes back with a vengeance. You can literally hear the metal the plane’s made of, like… All of a sudden, this dude three rows back starts making these bitchy noises. “Whoa! Whaaa! Whoa! Whaaaa! Whoa!” I’m not gonna lie, I have never been so fucking scared in my entire life. Dude, that noise is acceptable out of a female or a child. But turn around and see a 37-year-old mustachioed male going… “Whoo! Whaaa! Whoa!” Dude, the hair was standing up on my arms. I’m praying to a higher power, I don’t even believe in the shit! I just wish I had the balls to turn around and be like, “Dude, would you shut the fuck up? Jesus Christ, be a man, push it down. Push it down, deny your feelings, act like you have answers. Do some man shit right now. Do some man shit.” Jesus Christ. You know? “You think I’m not up here thinking… ‘Whaaa! Whoa!’ I am! But how does that help us for me to join you and turn this fuselage into a haunted house?” You know what kills me, what absolutely kills me, is some woman is gonna fall in love with this guy, marry him and make half… whooo… whaaaa… fucking kids. And you know what? We become weaker as a species. We do. [cheers and applause] Do you remember back in the day when you watched the Discovery Channel about animals? Now they build cars, but it used to be about animals, right? Now it’s all car stuff. “Looking forward to getting that carburetor today. The carburetor didn’t fit.” “What do you mean the carburetor doesn’t fit? Dad’s gonna be mad.” [yelling gibberish] There’s never enough time to build the car. It’s so fucking stupid. “We got to have this bus done by Thursday!” Or else what? The guy doesn’t want it anymore? All right. “You’ll get the thing when we finish it, okay? This is a safety issue. You want brakes on it? Then go get yourself some fucking lunch.” So, before… [laughter] before there used to just be animals, and this is what I noticed: Everything from a lion all the way down to an insect, okay? If you had one drop of… whoo… whaaa… bitchy blood in you, none of the females would fuck you. That was it, your life was over. Your life was over. No ant pussy for you your entire miserable eight-day ant life, ’cause all six of your legs shook when the wind blew, and the female ant saw it. They’re like, “All right, stay away from that one. Stay away from that one. He’s gonna jeopardize the whole hill. And, Stacy, listen to me.” Human beings have empathy. Some woman will fall in love. “Well, he’s nice. He wears a sweater. He likes to bake, you know? He lets me finish my stories.” Which is all great qualities, okay, but you got to know, when you shack up with a guy like that, you’re rolling the dice. You’re rolling the dice that that fucking axe murderer is gonna pick the next house over, ’cause God forbid he picks your goddamn house, this is the dude who has your back, who’s gonna be screaming louder and higher than you when this guy comes through the fucking door. And you’re gonna turn around. All you’re gonna see is his cowardly feet going out the kitchen window. I don’t know, man, that’s risky. You know, in reality, I’m being too hard on that guy. Yeah, I am. I am, ’cause I was just as scared as he was. Except I didn’t scream out like he did, and that’s simple. The simple reason was this dude, he was hugged too much as a child. Having people going, “How was your day? What’s wrong?” And all of that shit, you know? That’s why I came down here. I came out here to tell you guys, you got to stop hugging your children. You are ruining this country. Now you can hug your daughters, you got to do that, you got to do that. Hug those hooker shoes right out of them, let them know that you’re a good man, and to find another man like you. You got to do that. But your son, you can hug them a little bit, but every three, four, you got to fucking knock ’em down, right? “Come on, it didn’t hurt, get up!” I didn’t come from a family, I don’t know about you guys, I didn’t come from a touchy-feely… “Call me when you get there. Mwah, mwah.” None of that shit. First time my mom hugged me, I think, was like, once when I was little, and when I moved out. That was it! And we only hugged ’cause we knew we were supposed to. So we just tried to, like, it was like two parking meters came to life, like, we almost bumped heads. It was horrific. Fucking horrific. To this day, sometimes I drive down the street, and I think about that hug, and it’s just so awful I have to like shout the memory out of my head. I’ll just be driving down the street, just be like… Aaaaah! Anybody else like that? You ever have to shout stuff out of your head? There’s something about me, like, all my regret comes up when I’m in the shower. I don’t know what it is. I think ’cause I’m in the shower, and I have time to think, and I’ll just think of shit I did in third grade where I just made an ass of myself, and I’ll just be in the shower just being like… [screaming] And my wife’s always just like, “Is everything okay in there?” I’ll just be like, “Yeah, yeah, just accidentally turned on the hot water. Turned it on too much.” “Every day?” So… Yeah… I actually asked my mother one time when I finally got out in the world, and I saw how other families interacted, I finally asked her, “How come we never did the hugging thing? How come we didn’t do that stuff?” She was like, “I wanted to hug you kids when you were little, but I was afraid it was gonna make you gay.” And I was like, “You were afraid?” And she goes, “Well, it was your father. That’s what it was. Protecting him like I always do. He was afraid. He said, you don’t know how to raise boys and if you hug them, that’s what’s gonna happen. So in a marriage, there’s compromises.” Yeah, so she basically never hugged us, ’cause my dad said if she did, it was gonna make us gay. And I got to tell you, that was a great thing that my dad did for me. Let me finish before you start blogging, okay? And I end up on a split screen on Good Morning Atlanta. “Comedy, could it go too far? Last night at the Tabernacle–” Sitting there next to some fucking Cheeto-eating blogger. So, yeah, this is the deal. I’m gonna defend my dad here because this is basically what happens when you have a kid. As far as I know. I don’t have any kids. As far as I’d think, if you have a kid, what do you want to do? You want to improve on your childhood, okay? You want to keep the shit that your parents did that worked, and then you want to get rid of the stuff that didn’t work. So that was my dad, as fucked up as that was, that was his improvement on his childhood that he never talks about, the way a veteran doesn’t talk about going to war. So I figure if that was his improvement on his childhood, his childhood just must have been something like, “Don’t change his shitty diaper. Let him figure it out for himself. Get out in the rain, you shitty baby! Hey, let me handle this, lady! Why are you still standing here, you shit toddler?” So he took it from that… and knocked it down to, “Don’t hug him, it’s gonna make him gay.” Right? And then maybe someday I ever have a kid, I’ll whittle it down to like, “He’s not taking drama class, all right? He’s not taking drama class ’cause I said so, lady! Let me handle this!” I won’t fix everything. And that’s not a homophobic thing either, that I wouldn’t send my hypothetical son to drama class. Okay? It isn’t. I would send… I’d let my hypothetical daughter take a drama class. Okay. My son can’t fucking do any of that shit unless I’m sending him to one of those Fame high schools where everybody’s doing it, one of those creative schools. You go to the cafeteria, everybody’s like, ~ Cottage cheese, what is it made of? ~ Then he can do all he wants. Then he can do all the fuck he wants, but there’s no way I’m letting him do that at a public school with those goddamn animals! He’s gonna get the shit kicked out of him! He’s gonna come home with his underwear up his ass, and then I have to be the adult and go down to the principal and be like, “There’s some sort of tomfoolery going on around here!” I don’t want to do that. I want to find the fucking eight-year-old. What is he, this tall? I want to find the kid that did it to my kid, tip him upside down into some sand or a puddle, anywhere where oxygen is going to be an issue, right, and just leave him there. You wait for that one leg to start shaking so you know he’s down to his last breath, and then you turn him upside-right, and you grab him by his throat, you say something horrific. “You ever do that again, I’m gonna beat your mother to death with the family dog.” All right? [applause] Over. So yeah, a lot in my life has changed since I last came through here to Atlanta. I got married. That’s the big thing. Yes, I did. Very happy about that. I’m very happy because it was starting to get weird. It’s like 45 years old. “My girlfriend, yeah, we’re gonna go out and get some pop.” Going to parties, it was just weird. ‘Cause I hang out with people my age, and they all got married, they all had kids. I just couldn’t contribute when people were standing around talking about marriage… marriages and kids. I felt like a little kid, just sitting there going like, “The superintendent of the mayoral candidate will be bicoastal, bipartisan, with the Middle Eastern crisis, it’s just…” “It’s an advanced learning program. The deadline is May 11th. We have to stop the bullying…” “…with the superintendent of the mayoral candidate.” When the conversation would come around to me, I felt like I was eight years old. I’d just be like, “Did anybody see the YouTube video where the raccoon stole the cat’s food, and the cat was scratching him and the raccoon didn’t care? He just came in like this, like George Foreman, and then he reached out, he had hands. All of a sudden, he had hands. I didn’t know they had hands. He scooped it up and he ran away on paws. Did you guys know they had hands?” So now I’m married, so the next move is you’re supposed to have a kid, which I would love to do, but I’m 46 years old. I’m just thinking it’s too fucking late, ya know. Come on, man, I’m gonna have a kid, I’m gonna die of natural causes when the kid’s in fifth grade. Throwing him a Frisbee. “We used to use these on a Saturday.” Do a face plant. My kid’s standing there, “Mom, Dad’s sleeping again!” I feel hopelessly behind. All my friends have kids. Most of my friends who have kids are cool, but I got a couple of those who think now that they have a kid, that I don’t understand anything anymore. You know those people? The most basic shit. “Hey, man, it’s kind of cold out today.” “Dude, you don’t understand. You don’t understand cold till you got a two-year-old with a mitten up his ass and you’re trying to get chocolate off the other one’s face.” “All right, all right, I get it, you have a more complex life, but I still understand being cold, teeth chattering. Kind of lets me know. Right?” “Mine just turned six.” “Mine just turned seven.” I just feel hopelessly behind. So what I’m actually thinking of doing, I’m thinking about adopting. Yeah. Absolutely, recycle. You know? Think globally, act locally. Everything doesn’t have to be brand-new. You know? It’s like when you redo your kitchen. You got custom up top, you got IKEA down the bottom, right? I’d love to adopt. It’s a great thing to do. But if I do it, I’m not telling any of my friends. I’m just gonna show up with the kid one day, just to piss ’em off. “Mine just turned six.” “Mine just turned seven.” I’d love to just show up with an eight-year-old, like, “Dominoes! Yeah, now I get to tell you what you don’t understand. Seven-year-old? Wait till they turn eight, eight is such a funny age. Terrible twos? Try the instant eights! Bam! They’re just there, like…! With all their issues…!” I should do it, though. I should adopt. I think it’s a great thing to do, and I already know what I want to get. I do. I want to get, like, an ’07, ’08… always garaged, good dentition. Do you know what I would love to do? I’d love to rescue some kid that works in a sweatshop. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Like, find the kid that made this shirt? Just show up at the factory like, hey! “Come on, bring it in! Bring it in, you little maniac! How you doing? You’re going back to the States. L-shaped couch, flat screen TV. Get in the car, the rest of you keep sewing, but you, you’re coming home with me!” Yeah. Dude, how easy… how easy would that kid be to raise? After the hell he’s been through, all I gotta do is let him sit down. I am immediately the greatest human being this kid has ever met. Just bring him home. “Have a seat.” He’ll be like, “I get to sit down?” “Yeah, lay down on the couch.” He’ll be like, “It’s like a cloud! It’s like a cloud!” I’ll get him a bowl of Fritos, put on cricket or soccer, one of those sweatshop sports. I don’t know. The kid would love me. So that’s my first draft pick. All right? Coming out of the gate with that. In the second round, I’d probably get like an ’05 boy soldier, ya know. Yeah, shore up the offensive line. You gotta protect the blindside. That’s how fucked up the world is, there’s little boys out there fighting in wars. So that’s a twofer. I can drag him out of that hell, give him something of what’s left of his childhood, and, God forbid, if the dollar ever collapses, right? Shit goes south, zombies take over, I got backup. Everybody thinks I’m gonna be the problem, meanwhile, I got this sawed-off Chuck Norris… standing next to me, 170 kills, confirmed fucking kills. They’re not stories! Can make a flamethrower out of a vacuum cleaner and a toaster. You can’t coach that, right? I got to be honest with you, I feel like I’d have to go easier on the discipline with the boy solider. I might be nuts, but I feel like I could come down on the sweatshop kid, right? “I said get in there and clean up your goddamn room. I’m getting sick of this shit! Goes for you too if you want. But you! You’ve been out of line all day, mister! Don’t even start that shit! Don’t even start that shit. You say that every time. Yes, you do. Every fucking time you say that. You know the answer. You want me to say it again? I’ll break it down to you. You know why it is? You want to know why? ‘Cause you sew. All right? Yeah. You sew. Dude, he’s fucking killed people. Do you understand that? No, he doesn’t, he doesn’t have to make his bed too. No, he doesn’t. Because he doesn’t sleep in the bed, he’s out in the bushes all night, talking to himself, freaking me the fuck out, all right? Oh, fuck you, fuck you! He scares me too, he scares me too. Don’t even start that shit. You wanted a big brother, and I got you one. Don’t even start that shit, all right? All right, you’re right. Stop crying, stop crying. Shouldn’t have yelled at you. I just thought I could fucking bring him in, give him a couple of Pop Tarts, I figured he’d chill out. Fucking sitting there looking through his eyebrows, doing that Full Metal Jacket shit. No, you can’t give him back, it doesn’t work that way. There he is, there he is! What’s up, buddy? What’s going on? We were just talking about you, just doing, like, a little surprise thing. You feeling all right? You feeling all right? You’re not looking through those eyebrows, huh? Everything okay?” So I figure, uh… I don’t know if I’ll do it. Maybe I’m too selfish. I have no idea. I’m all over the fuckin’ map. Do you know what I want to do right now? I actually want to learn how to fly a helicopter, man. I do, that’s my latest thing. You know why it is? It’s ’cause I live in Los Angeles. Yeah, and it’s an absolute clusterfuck. When you go into land in that city, just look out the window, and just look at the complete lack of planning. There’s not even zoning laws. They’ll build, like, a skyscraper next to a house, next to a gun range, and then there’s, like, a fucking daycare center. Right? The city doesn’t even work even when everything else works, so God forbid, the dollar collapses or some crazy shit happens, where you gonna go in a city like that? See, you guys are all right out here in Atlanta. You’re all right. I don’t know, maybe in Atlanta might be crazy. You’re on the outskirts, you’re fine. You’re fine. You don’t live in a desert. You slam your face in a birdbath, you’re cool. Drink that water for a good 30 days. L.A., there’s nowhere to go. That’s why I love the helicopter. Dude, the helicopter is the ultimate “fuck this, I’m out” vehicle. All you gotta do is assess the situation. Zombie coming up the street? “Fuck this! This looks safe.” You just land it. You could sit there hovering. Just sit there in a hover watching everybody getting killed, sitting up there eating cheese and crackers with the red stick. Yeah, so I told my wife I want to fly a helicopter. She’s just like, “Yeah, no.” Which I know that came from a place of love, but it still kind of annoyed me. Just that she said that shit, then I was just gonna be like, “Oh, all right. Thought I was gonna get to do that, but you said no, so… there goes that. Hey, what other dreams aren’t I gonna get to achieve? Like, do you already know or are you waiting for me to ask?” Yeah, I’m still gonna do it, I’m just not gonna tell her. I’m just gonna go out and do it, pass the goddamn class, and when I get my license, I’m not going to tell her. I’m just gonna go out and buy a white silk scarf, and hang it by a nail in the living room. She’s just gonna be like, “What is that? What is that for? What does that mean?” “Yeah, someday you’ll see, someday you’ll see. When the shit hits the fan, and you’re freaking the fuck out, and I’m taking branches off some unforeseen helicopter.” “What is that?” “Shut the fuck up and get in!” Now you guys think I’m bullshitting, I’m not. I’m serious. I’m 100% in on this. And ever since I got into it, I’m seeing helicopters everywhere. I never realized how many helicopters there were. Driving down the street like Henry Hill looking up at them… doing key bumps and shit. “They’re after me! Swear to God!” I’m seeing stories about them! It’s just like that old advertising anecdote. “I never realized how many mattress commercials there were out there until I needed a mattress, and then all of a sudden, they’re all over the place. And then I bought a mattress and then it all went away.” It’s the same shit. I saw this story down in Orange County. Right? Down in Orange County, California. This guy gave helicopter tours for 30 years– 30 years without incident. Hands the business off to his son, the American dream. “I built it up for 30 years. Here you go, son. Make the family and the family name proud.” “All right, Dad, I love you.” All right? This poor kid, five days in, he’s supposed to give a tour to a couple, only the dude shows up. The kid thought it was weird, but he’s like, “I need the money. I gotta give him a tour.” Right? So he takes this guy up. Ten minutes into the tour, the dude fucking jumped out. Yeah, five days in. Five days in from the balloons and the cake. “We love you, son. Keep the family tree going. The traditional line.” Five fucking days later, this kid, he probably barely had the speech down. Just sitting there, flying the helicopter. “All right, if you look out the left side of the aircraft, that’s Orange County. There’s over 27 miles of beaches there. Put your seatbelt back on, 27 miles of beaches. Was established as a county in 1903. Sir, please don’t open the door. Sir, what are you doing? Sir, no, no. Don’t, don’t, stop, no, no! What the fuck? What the fuck? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What the fuck, what the fuck?! Fuck!” Air traffic control: “I don’t know who’s on this frequency, but you really need–” “Somebody just jumped out of the fucking helicopter!” Five days in. So I read further into the story. Turns out the guy who jumped out, he was 61 years old, terminally ill, he was in pain every day. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him, and he had had enough. At that point, that guy immediately became a hero in my world. Know what I love about him, not only did he make the decision, he didn’t go out like some pussy, right? Handful of pills, watching a romantic comedy, wrapped in an afghan that Nana made. Fuck that. Guy went out like a man. “Take me up in a chopper, I’m looking at the land I love, and then I’m jumping out like a superhero.” I loved it. Yeah. [applause] This guy should have been wearing a fucking cape. I can’t imagine how elated he must have been on that helicopter ride up after finally just taking back control of his life, like, “Fuck you, disease. I decide.” Ripping tubes out, gets a burger, shotguns a beer. “Take me up in the chopper.” He probably had his fucking foot on the dashboard. He’s not even listening to this guy giving the tour. Right? “Over 27 miles of beaches, put your seatbelt back on. Established as a county in 1903. Sir, please don’t try to open the door. No, no, don’t, don’t, don’t!” [screams] [imitates wind whipping] Incredible! But here’s the thing. I left out one small thing. There is one small thing. The guy fucking lived. Yeah. Yeah, they were out over the ocean, 500 feet up. You’d think that would be enough so, I’m thinking he must have gone in like Greg Louganis, like, no splash, just… But witnesses said it looked like a dummy was falling out of the air. So that sounds like a hell of an impact. I think he accidentally did the most epic 500-foot belly flop in the history of jumping out of a helicopter. But that didn’t change what he was trying to do. Where his heart was, I still love this guy. I just feel bad for him. On the way down, he’s got to be thinking, “Three more seconds of pain! Two more seconds!” Wham! [agonized scream] “Oh, my God, this is worse! This is way worse!” It has a happy ending, though. He later died at the hospital. That’s right. So here’s to him. God bless him. I hope I have the balls someday. So where do you go from there? Well, as I mentioned, last time I came through town, I wanted to get a gun. You know? I do. Yeah. But I’ve finally given up on that. I gave up on that dream. My wife doesn’t want me to get one, so. Yeah, she didn’t want– Dude, you got to pick your fucking battles. I’m gonna learn how to fly a helicopter on the sly, I can’t fucking have some .357 hanging around. “I’ll do whatever I want. All right? What I say goes! Eat it!” Can’t be that person. Now it fucking bums me out, ’cause all I wanted to do was just get a .22, that’s all I wanted. Perfect gun for home protection, .22 caliber. You’re laughing at that, sir? That’s not enough? I don’t know. I’m down South. What do you think? That’s not enough, right? You want– Shotgun, right? .44? You guys are out of your minds. You’re out of your fucking minds. Let me ask all you gun guys, who are gonna make fun if I had a .22. “What’s with your .22? That little queer gun. Do you keep it between your buttocks? Is that the holster? Is that what you do with your gay little gun? You need a big gun.” All you fucking guys. Let me ask you this, all you guys with your guns… have you ever shot the fucking thing without earplugs? Have you ever done that? Or you’re like most people, you take it down to the gun range, you put your earplugs in, put your headset on, take it out of the briefcase. You got your little yellow tinted fucking glasses, right? You look at your spread or whatever, and then you put it back in there, right? You ever shot that thing without fucking earplugs? ‘Cause that’s what’s gonna happen when that intruder comes in. You’re not gonna have time to be, “Hang on a second, let me just…” Yeah, you’re not gonna have time. Dude, I shot a five-shot .38 one time without earplugs. I was landscaping this guy’s yard. He comes out at the end of the job. “Hey, I got this five-shot .38. You want to go down the street? There’s a burned-out car. We can take a couple of shots.” You know what’s funny? Every other state is fuckin’ dying laughing at this point in the joke because it’s so goddamn ridiculous, until I get down to the South. And you guys just sit here staring at me like, “All right, so what happened? Pretty standard, I thought this was gonna be a comedy show. You’re reading from your journal? I don’t understand what the– It’s not a real compelling story.” I’m mowing a fucking lawn, and a stranger comes out with a weapon and says, “Let’s shoot it at a burned-out car!” Okay? Jesus Christ, can we agree on that? So I’m like, all right, let’s do it, fuck it. So I go down there. Never shot a gun before. I bring the gun up, point it at the car, I pull the trigger. I saw the muzzle flash, I felt a kick, I never heard the gun. I pulled the trigger, all I just heard was… [high-pitched tone] I shot the gun four more times. Never heard it. Didn’t get louder, didn’t get quieter. Just kept seeing flashes. [high-pitched tone] All right? So let’s take one of your fucking guns. Let’s just say, for the sake of argument. All right, you got that thing sitting on a nightstand, loaded. Right? For God’s sakes, tell me you have it there. Don’t be one of these people that has the gun here and the bullets there. You got the thing fucking loaded, ready to go. 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, this is when the psycho’s coming in too, right? That’s when they come in, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning. They don’t come by at 6:30 at night, as you’re cutting into a pork chop. “I’m out of my mind, I’m coming back in 20 minutes, so stretch out your hammies ’cause it’s gonna get crazy.” That’s not how it works. They wait till you’re dead asleep, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, right before REM sleep is kicking in. So let’s just say for the sake of argument, all you gun guys, you got your thing loaded, right? Your piece, right? Right there, loaded for bear. You’re lying there, same scenario, right? One leg under the covers, one without. Shirt. 4:00 in the morning, you’re just… [snoring] Meanwhile, some psycho, sneaking in through the living room window, right? He brings in a fucking sickle. And he’s just listening. Listens all the way down that hall and he just hears… [snoring] He’s trying not to squeak on the floorboards. And you’re just fucking lying there. [snoring] All of a sudden, that little dog on the floor is just like… [low growling] [growling and snoring continue] “What’s the matter? What’s the matter? What’s the matter? What’s the matter, boy? You hear something? What’s the matter? What are you barking for? You’re shaking. What’s the matter, huh? You hear something? What’s–? Come on, man, quit fucking around. I got to go to work tomorrow.” [snoring] All of a sudden, boom! That door flies open. You just see this shadowy figure. You pick up that gun. Blam! [high-pitched tone] And you fucking miss! You miss! You can’t see, now you can’t hear. That’s two out of five senses! What, are you gonna taste him as he comes around the bed? You’re still gonna be shooting over here. Meanwhile, you see this strobe light psycho coming around the fucking bed. Takes off your head. If you had the .22, you could still hear. Your ears would be ringing, but you could hear that fucker coming across, and you could shoot at him, and he would leave. He would leave. You guys just won’t get off the fact that it’s a fuckin’ .22. You’re, like, psychotic with this shit. All right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me– I will extend an olive branch to you people, okay? I get it. I get it that a .22 is basically a ‘roided-up BB gun. I got it, okay? I understand that if you actually want to kill somebody, you have to basically have the gun up to somebody’s head and be throwing a jab as you pull the trigger. I understand that. Okay? But I maintain, I don’t care who the fuck the toughest person is in this house. I could defend my house with a BB gun. I don’t give a fuck how tough you are. I don’t care. If I started shooting at you with a BB gun, at the very least, you have to go back outside and regroup. That’s a fact. That is a fact. If I caught you in your elbow, that might be the end of your night. “Look, I’m coming back, I’m coming back!” I’ve been trying to get along with my wife better. I’m trying to dial down the douchebaggery in my relationship. I’m not turning out the pilot light, though. All right? I’m keeping some fight in me. I’m not gonna be that henpecked guy just standing there like, “I guess we’re making holiday cookies.” That dude with the bowed shoulders. “She makes them and then I’m supposed to sprinkle the sugar on them. I don’t even think they taste that good, but just–” No, I stand my ground sometimes. Sometimes I let it go. You just got to figure it out. We had a fight the other night, she got so mad at me, she was like, “You can just sleep downstairs. You can just sleep downstairs.” I couldn’t believe it. It’s one of the most arrogant things I’ve ever heard in my life. One adult telling another adult where they can sleep. “You can just sleep downstairs.” Like I was just gonna sit up in bed, grab a blanket like Linus. “All right. Hey, where downstairs, by the way? Like, over here downstairs, or like more over here? Where should I sleep?” It’s like, are you out of your mind? I go, “I’m not sleeping downstairs.” She’s like, “Where you gonna sleep, then?” I’m like, “Where I always sleep. I will fucking sleep on your side of the bed if I want to! What are you gonna do? I’m bigger than you. I’ll hang onto the covers, try to get me out. No tickling. Go ahead!” Yeah, I was like, “You don’t tell me where to sleep. I sleep where I want to sleep.” She’s like, “Well, you don’t tell me where to sleep.” I’m like, “I’m not the one telling people where to sleep!” It was one of those classic relationship fights. It’s like 2:00 in the morning, you’re both half naked. She’s not wearing a bra, you got half a ball hanging out. “And another thing! No, no, I need to say this! The other day, I felt slighted!” It’s fuckin’ unreal, but what kills me is that there’s actually guys out there that will actually listen to that shit. Yeah, you talk to them, they’ll be, “Hey, how’s it been going?” “It’s been rough last of couple nights downstairs on the couch. You know how that is, right?” No, I don’t. I don’t understand. How did you get yourself into that situation? Like, what are you afraid of? What is she gonna do if you say no? What, is she gonna fucking chokeslam you onto the kitchen table? I understand if you’re dating some woman and she does that UFC MMA shit, then you got to sleep where she says to sleep, you got to. She’s gonna come at you. “Well, let’s get you in an arm bar.” “All right, all right, all right!” Tapping out. Or even worse, she chokes you out. You wake up on the couch, like, 11 minutes later. Just grab your jacket off the back of the couch. “I fucking hate when she does this. It’s like, it’s not even fair. Have a debate like a normal person.” All right? I’m gonna talk somebody down from a ledge here, someone who’s actually been sleeping on the couch, okay? So there’s the first fear, out the window. Okay, she can’t physically dominate you, so that’s gone. What’s the next fear? She’s gonna cut off the sex. Yeah, rub one out. Neutralized. It’s the most empty threat there is. Do it right in front of her. “Join me!” Yeah. I’ve never understood that threat. That’s like somebody putting a chain around your refrigerator, but you got a sandwich in your pocket, a never-ending sandwich, like some biblical shit, like Jesus with the fucking bread or whatever. So now what’s the last thing she can do? What can she do now? Be moody? You can’t handle that? Walk by your TV without looking at you. Only make herself something yummy out in the kitchen. Who gives a fuck? My wife does that, I just sit there, I just start commentating. “Here she comes again, walking by the TV. She really must be mad.” She’s never body-slammed me once, ever. I’m not saying to be a dick. All right? I’m just saying, you got to keep them honest. Every once in a while, you got to have a little pushback. “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.” Rest of the shit– I’m learning that about women. You just want to keep them calm. Just keep them calm, like a rescue dog, right? Just everything’s cool, everything’s cool, just, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is great, this is great, I’m having a great time. No, your friends are awesome, your friends are awesome, very interesting party. I am talking to people, I’m talking to people, I am having a good time here.” That’s what you do. You just do that enough, then when you bark back, you got a little something. Here’s an olive branch I’ve extended to her. It’s basically… We fight a lot over television. I’ve kind of come her way, she’s come my way. She watches a little bit of sports, I occasionally will watch a romantic comedy. Which, I don’t care, the nerd’s gonna fuck the cheerleader. I’ll watch it, right? I don’t mind them, it’s an uplifting story. I just don’t like the love scenes in romantic comedies. They creep me out. They’re just so fucking nice. It’s, like, missionary-style. There’s candles. That stupid saxophone music. [imitates saxophone] It always goes down. Like the saxophone implies the penetration, right? ‘Cause they can’t show it. They got to make her this one-dimensional, this little angel. They ignore the other 90% of her sexuality. No hair-pulling, no ass-slapping, none of that shit. None of that taboo stuff of a woman’s sexuality. That’s never brought up. That whole “Hold me down but let me up, but hold me down. Choke me, but let me breathe, but kind of scare the shit out of me a little bit. I want to feel your power but I want to be safe, but let me know if you really wanted to.” That whole Fifty Shades of Rape, whatever the hell that is. Yeah. I don’t even pretend to understand it. I remember the first time a woman wanted to get me to choke her a little bit. I didn’t even know what she was doing. I was just so psyched to be getting laid, I was like… And she just kept taking my hand, and she kept putting it right here. I didn’t know what she was doing. I thought she was testing my core strength or some shit. And finally, I was just like, “What are you doing?” She says, like, “I don’t know. I just kinda like, ya know. It’s like squeeze a little bit and kind of like squeeze it. Why don’t you want to do it? It’ll be fun.” Why don’t I want to do it? I don’t think I want a passed-out naked woman with my fingerprints all around her neck. Having the cops show up. “Yeah, she’s in here, Officer. Damndest thing, it was her idea. I swear to God, it was her idea!” Yeah, they always make it nice in those movies. The raciest thing they’ll do is every once in a while, they’ll kiss up against a wall. I guess women like walls. I didn’t know that. A lot of up-against-the-wall kissing. “Oh, my God, it’s the wall. Oh, my God! It’s supporting me, maybe he’ll support me, it’s a metaphor, I love it.” Yeah, I saw one the other night, they were doing that, and then out of nowhere, they started having sex up against the wall. I’m like, finally, something a little bit more interesting, right? But they were doing it standing up facing each other, missionary-style. Arguably one of the most difficult positions there is, and they were doing it with little to no difficulty. All she did was lift her leg up like that, and that was it. He was off to the races. I ruined the movie for my wife. I’m like, “That is fucking bullshit! Bullshit.” What does the guy have, like, a U-shaped dick? How is he doing anything? Is he sticking it in her navel? Did he grease up her thighs, to hell with her needs? Like, if all she’s gonna do is this, she’s got to bring it up like an offsides call, if that’s what she’s doing. All right? If not, you got to make some adjustments. You just got to grab the other leg, you got to try to pick her up there, use these muscles. [screaming] Maybe you could grab a doorjamb, drop down, try to come in, try to do that. Dude, nobody can do that other than a porn star for longer than 18 seconds before they’re like, “All right, this is ridiculous, okay? My calves are burning, I can’t get nearly enough momentum to do any sort of damage. I can literally feel you getting on with your day with every pathetic attempt to try and rock your world.” These guys in the movie, they have no problem banging away, then they pick them up like they’re not heavy. They start walking down, they see the bed, they just lay her down on the bed. Dude, I’m not trying to be a dick, but every woman in here is heavy. Yeah, you’re heavy. You’re an adult female! Jesus Christ, when do you stop picking up your kids? When they’re, like, five or six? “Get off of me! Jesus Christ. You’re gonna throw out my back. Go jump on your brother.” An adult woman weighs 115 pounds, 120, all the way up to God knows what. And it’s not balanced weight. Most of it’s in your thighs and in your ass. Your head’s hanging off trying to counterbalance. Dude, when guys go to the gym, we don’t put 30 pounds on one side and a buck-80 over here. “Fuckin’ yeah!” Yeah, it’s ridiculous. Trying to carry a naked woman, it’s like trying to carry a half-filled waterbed mattress. You’re, like, bumping into shit. When you see the bed, you don’t walk to it, you slowly start picking up momentum. Then she bounces off this mattress, hits the wall, slides down, the whole sex vibe’s ruined, and you’re back to your sandwich in your pocket. All right, I’m out of time. You guys were awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. I had a great time. I’ll see you next time. Thank you. [cheers and applause] What a wanker not funny at all just fucking screaming shit like dribble running down his chin. Yawn | [cheers and applause] All right, thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you? What’s going on? Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here in the greater Atlanta, Georgia, area, this oasis. It’s nice to be here. I don’t know why I came here in June. It’s nice to be here. Wasn’t thinking. Fucking ridiculously hot out there. Just miserable, horrible. That kind of heat, you understand the racism down here, ya know? I get it. How would you get along with anybody? “Look at ’em just over there, drinkin’ a cold drink! Lemonade was made for the white man!” So… What the hell have I been doing with my life? Trying to get in shape, man. But I hate going to the gym, so I decided I’d go veggie twice a week. It’s brutal. I can only make it till about 5:00. Five o’clock, that’s what I realized about myself, you know that? Something has to die every day in order for me to live. Something’s got to get its beak chopped off, its feathers yanked, uppercut to its jaw, just in order for me to survive. I’m trying! Couscous and all that shit. It’s awful. I saw this thing, though. They said if everybody went vegan, if everybody went vegan or vegetarian, whatever the hell they said. One of those “V” ones, right? They said it’ll be great for the environment, you know. I guess there’s all this cattle standing around, and when they fart, the gas goes up in the atmosphere and causes something. Right? They’re always doing that shit. You know, “If everybody went vegan, the air would be– If everybody drove an electric car, if everybody just had some snowshoes on.” Right? They just won’t come out and say it. Nobody has the balls to come out and just say, “Look, 85% of you have to go.” – That’s it! That is it. – [cheering and applause] I have been bitching about the population problem for three specials in a row. Waiting… for some politician to have the balls to bring it up, but they won’t do it, they won’t do it. We live in a democracy. Right? Can’t be honest in a democracy. You need the votes. You can’t run with that as your platform. Coming out there: “And if elected, I would implement a program to immediately eliminate at least 85% of you! This planet cannot sustain the sheer numbers– Let me finish! This will not be arbitrary. Under your seats is a multiple choice questionnaire! If you did not bring a pencil, you’re already out!” You can’t do that. You got to be nice. You got to be fuckin’ nice, especially this day and age. Everybody getting in trouble, all these goddamn groups out there, bitch, moaning and complaining anytime anybody says anything. “We’re part of a group, eh.” You gotta apologize. “I’m sorry to people who own Shar Peis. I didn’t mean to say that it’s an ugly-ass dog, nah.” Right? Fuck you and your group. What about that? What do you got, two million people in your group? There’s 400 million in this country. Nobody gives a shit. Right? Who the fuck joins a group? “I’m gonna join a group, that’s what I’m gonna do today.” Go to meetings. What kind of a fucking loser, right? That’s the same way I look at people who got upset about, you know, Michael Sam, the gay football player kissing his boyfriend when he got drafted. Everybody bitch, moaning and complaining. It’s like, dude, that’s what you get for watching the draft, all right? Now once again, what kind of a fucking loser just sits there watching round after round? “The Jets are up next. I think they need a quarterback. They need to improve their defensive line.” Dude, that’s like going to a graduation ceremony where you don’t know anybody who’s graduating. You’re just fucking sitting there. They’re gonna have the whole list the next day. They’ll have everybody. Who drafted who, when. Fucking got to sit there and watch that shit. Those stupid interviews. “Yeah, you’re a member of the Buffalo Bills. How does it feel?” “Well, you know, it’s a blessing. I want to thank God. Gonna try to do my best, it’s a great organization, and the same shit the last 80 guys said. So, yeah.” Yeah. I’m glad he kissed him. He should have fuckin’ blown him. Yeah! With birthday cake in his mouth and a Santa Claus hat on his head, just to ruin the entire year. Holding a flag. That fucks up Flag Day. You’ll keep thinking about it. Yeah. Fucking stupid-ass groups. People apologizing to ’em like they have some sort of power. Look, if you’re being a dick, apologize. But other than that, yeah, go fuck yourself. Yeah. [cheers and applause] Everybody getting in trouble, like a bunch of children. I was doing a gig in Dallas, and some waitress wrote on a piece of chalkboard. She goes, “We like our beer the way we like our violence, domestic.” Right? Now I got to tell you something. That’s a great fucking joke! There is zero fat on that. You need every word of that joke. You take one word out, it doesn’t work. It’s a perfect joke. So whatever, nobody gives a shit. One person comes in, they don’t like it, they ask the manager to take it down. He’s just like, “That’s our sense of humor here. Have a beer, go fuck yourself. That’s what we’re doing.” She takes a picture of it, puts it on Facebook. All of a sudden, people start complaining. They fired the manager and the waitress. Because of that. Yeah! I don’t understand, like, what do they think is gonna happen if somebody reads that joke? Like, you’re some guy who would never hit a woman, ya know. Would never hit a woman. You can’t hit women. You honestly cannot. You ever see how they fall? They fall like toddlers, you know? It’s like they never fell in their life. They never put their hands out. It’s horrific to watch. You can’t hit them. Right? So what are you telling me? Somebody… you’re telling me someone who never hit a woman is gonna come walking in, read that joke, you know, just be, “Wait a minute!” [shouts angrily] That’s the dumbest shit. They have all kinds of signs out there telling people not to hit women, people still do it. What do you think wife beaters are doing when they drive home? They’re like so focused on hitting their wife, they got blinders on, they’re not reading anything? They don’t see the “Don’t Hit Your Wife” billboard? They’re still gonna do it. Did that get too weird for you guys? Did the church organs make that fucked up like I was up here? “Make a pledge for Jesus and hit your women.” Ever watch some of those stupid religious shows? That fucking Joel Osteen, you ever see that guy? That guy is so full of shit, he doesn’t even open his eyes when he’s talking. “Take a pledge for Jesus. Are they still here?” He doesn’t even have the nerve to open his eyes. “You want some popsicles? Jesus wants you to have some popsicles. He wants you to have those popsicles.” His fucking electric blue carpet. Yeah, everybody’s getting in trouble ’cause of these goddamn groups. Look at the amount of old people that got in trouble this year. Old people get in trouble, right? That older woman there that makes the cookies on the Food Network, right? Yeah, Paula Deen. She got in trouble, ’cause she had this slavery-themed wedding or whatever the hell she did. In defense of her, you know, you want to have an original wedding. There’s not a lot of themes left, you know? You got to use the old imagination if you’re gonna try to blow people away with your creativity, right? I’m actually gonna have a Holocaust- themed pool party later on this summer. I am. “Once everyone gets in ze pool, ja.” “It was weird, it was like it was offensive but like refreshing, you know? I don’t know, I don’t know how I feel about it.” Yeah, she got in trouble. The old redneck on Duck Dynasty, that dude got in trouble. The owner of the Clippers got in trouble. And I’m not saying what these people did wasn’t offensive. I’m not sayin’ that shit. What pissed me off was at no point during all of these stories did anybody address their age, you know? They’re fucking old, you know? What did you think they thought? You never talked to a grandparent and asked the wrong question and all of a sudden, it went down this crazy road? “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s get back to the cookies, Grandma! Let’s leave that shit over here, what the fuck?” Yeah, they’re old. What did you think they thought? I mean– I’m gonna be honest with you. People were too hard on that Clippers guy, man, I’m telling you. For an 80-year-old white guy, that wasn’t that bad. All right? Dude, he didn’t drop the “N” word once. That’s unbelievable for an 80-year-old white guy. The “N” word should have been carpet-bombed through that whole tape. He never said it once! If you go back and listen to that tape– go back and listen to it. Other than Instagram, he’s pretty fucking liberal. He’s like, “You can hang out with them, you can have sex with them, just don’t promote it on Instagram.” Yeah, it was the weirdest, most compartmentalized, like, racism I ever heard in my life. Something about Instagram, I didn’t get it. Other than that, he was wide open. “You can make a snowman with them, go to a water park, rub your bellies together, just don’t promote it on Instagram.” “Hey, what about Facebook?” “I don’t give a fuck about Facebook! Keep it off of Instagram!” Yeah. Dude, you understand, the guy is 80 years old. Do the math. This dude was born in 1934. That’s 13 years before Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier. First 12 and a half years of this guy’s life, he watched all-white baseball, and it was fine! First 12 and a half years. “Up next, Whitey Willoughby! There’s a line shot out to Peter Peckerwood, what a catch! Unbelievable, in to Chris Cracker! What a great day. What a great day for a ballgame. White baseball, white players.” Dude, his parents were part of the generation that finished off the genocide of the Native Americans, all right? That’s who taught him his ABCs. You know? “~ A, B, C, D, E… ~ Hey, get that savage off my property! Get out of here! I thought we killed all you people! Put a fence around them! ~ H, I, J, K… ~” Yeah. What did you think was gonna happen? The owner of the Clippers, you know what his big crime was? He lived too long. He did. If he’d died around 1969, 1970, nobody would have noticed. Dude, look at Walt Disney, Walt Disney was a known anti-Semite. But he died in the early ’70s. Nobody gives a shit. Look at him, he’s got a castle, bunch of mice running around. Nobody cares. This guy kept living. Telling you, you can live too long. You can live too long, I’m telling you. You wear out your welcome. I swear to God, this fucking guy, I bet in the 1940’s, he was considered a hippie. You know? Just walking around, “Hey, you can hang out with ’em, you can have sex with ’em, man, you know?” His dad’s getting all pissed off: “Let me tell you something, see? You stay with your own! You stay with your own.” That’s true, though. Life can pass you by. It happens. You just keep living and living. Basically, I think you got, like, 25, 30 years to absorb as much as you can, and then that’s it, that’s all you know. ‘Cause right around then, you get married, and it’s over, right? You have a couple of kids, you’re sucked in the bubble. You don’t have time to pay attention to what’s going on out in the world. You’re stuck with these kids. “It’s shitting all over the place! Don’t be a serial killer! Don’t touch that!” You’re just stuck in that. You have three, four kids, that is a 25-year sentence, trying to get them all through college. Society just keeps fucking going. You get the last one through college, step back out of the bubble– You don’t know what happened. You’re not even paying attention. You go back to your old record collection. [scatting] Someone sticks a mike in your face, you’re gonna get in trouble. Yeah. It’s one of the sad things about life. You get old and it passes you by. I feel it passing me by. I’m 46 years old. I don’t even have kids, but I can’t keep up anymore. I had a college gig coming up, I was like, I gotta figure out what these kids are into. I was 24 when a senior was born. I got to figure out what these dudes are into, so I guess they’re into like, this like DJ music or some shit, so I’m like, all right, I’ll watch some of this. You know? So I have like a reference or two. I don’t want to be that old comic coming to the gig being like, “What’s up with this Monica Lewinsky? Is this crazy? I mean, this Y2K– Is my stylus gonna work? I don’t know.” So I put this shit on. Dude, I lasted 90 seconds. Ninety seconds. I was open-minded. “All right, put it on!” Ninety seconds later, I’m like this old man. “Ah, this isn’t music!” You know? “When I was a kid, you dressed like a woman and you sung about the devil. Now, that was music! And you had one ballad every album, started off in black and white and when the guitar solo came in, it went to color. Yeah, that was music.” Yeah. All of this shit’s passing me by. I’ll get in trouble later on in my life. Transgender athletes? I don’t fucking understand that, you know? I understand, you want to switch around, I don’t give a shit, but I’m a sports fan. That’s a really new concept to me, that you can be a dude, right? Ranked 80th in the fucking world. You have your dick cut off, you put on a sports bra, and now you’re the #1 tennis player in the world, just coming out there with your man shoulders. [grunting] That doesn’t seem fair. I might be wrong. I might just be an old guy, I have no idea. But I’m hearing rumors like some of them are getting into that MMA. You can’t have that shit. Am I nuts? That is a dickless dude beating the shit out of a woman. Jesus Christ! He might as well hit her with his discarded dick like a flashlight. “Hold still!” “Her ground and pound is incredible.” Yeah. I’m not saying these people are right, and I’m not saying that I’m right. I know I’m a fucking moron, ya know. But that Duck Dynasty guy– I know what he said was wrong, but I don’t get the shock. Said that homophobic stuff, and people are like, “Can you believe?” Yeah, I totally can believe it. If I was in Vegas, I would have put 90% of my shit on that he was gonna say it. I’d give him a 10% benefit of the doubt just in case. Are you seriously shocked some redneck with a beard down to his dick sitting in a boat in the middle of a swamp shooting varmints? Like, what did you think he thought? Did you think he had some progressive ideas on same-sex marriage? [cheers and applause] Yeah. Didn’t he think… Didn’t he think exactly what you thought… he thought, you know? You know what kills me too? That fuckin’ kinda shit, that homophobic stuff, that all comes from the church, man. Doesn’t it come from that shit? There’s something in there. I never read the Book, all right? I tried to. They need to fucking update it. They update iTunes every fuckin’ six days. Can we update the language and make it a little more user friendlieth… for someone like me? Right? That’s where he gets all those fucking ideas. That Duck Dynasty guy, it’s not his fault that he went to– He went to Sunday School in like 1949, you know? I think all of that shit comes from the church. They just fuckin’ brainwash you. You know? Don’t clap, don’t clap, I don’t read, I don’t read. Follow someone else. I’m telling you, they brainwash you. Come into the church, your brain’s all empty, they fill it like a jelly donut. [making squishing sounds] Just brainwash you. “~ Say what we say when we say it ~ ~ Say it again, then you can go home to your toys ~” “~ All right, I’ll say it ~ ~ I’ll say it again ~ ~ Now can I go home to my toys? ~” Right? And you repeat everything they say. The good, the bad, and the fucking horrific. They stick a star on your forehead. “You’re a big boy.” “Looks like people like me!” You get on with your life. You go to college, you get a master’s degree in English like this redneck dude had, he invents the new duck whistle or whatever the hell you call it, right. Yours goes, “Whack whack!” Mine goes, “Whack-a-fuckin’-whack!” Dude makes a zillion bucks, gets his own TV show, he’s loving life. And out of nowhere, here comes that same question sixty years later from Sunday School, and he stands up like the Manchurian Candidate. “Jesus liked hookers and lepers, doesn’t like the queers.” And everybody freaks the fuck out, and he’s like, “That’s what they said!” And they’re all dead. “Oh, where’d everybody go? I thought I was a good boy!” He’s just this scared old man getting yelled at in a boat. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why a group like GLAAD, right? I always forget, it’s Gay Lesbian A… whatever the fuck it stands for, all right? Why do they go after the old guy in the boat? Why don’t they go after the people writing the Book? Right? “Hey, could you please teareth outeth those coupleth of pages?” They’re not gonna do that. That’s the Vatican. They’re their own city. They got a wall around their own city. They’re brushing off cases of pedophilia like it’s nothing. They’re not taking that call. “Oh, what happened? Really? Go fuck yourself.” Click. They don’t care. [applause] I learned a long time ago, I think whatever you’re into, you’re into, but I’m not into that religious stuff where– And this is why. I actually walked away from my religion. I had to be honest with myself. One, I didn’t like to go– I didn’t like going to church every week, you know? I just didn’t. Part of it was I’m lazy. I don’t like getting up on Sundays, and the other part was I already heard all the stories, okay? Heard them three, four times, the Dude hasn’t come back yet. You know, we’re just sort of mulching over the same shit here, I got it. – Right? – [cheers and applause] And the other aspect was, you know, I actually– I had to be honest with myself. I felt my religion made sense and everybody else’s sounded stupid. [cackles] I did. Look, I’m not talking about the basis of every religion. Basis of every religion makes sense, you know, the Ten Commandments. Don’t kill anybody. Don’t touch my wife. That’s my bike. Right? That all makes sense. Of which, I’ve broken, I think I’ve broken just about every commandment except for the fifth one, that’s it. I haven’t killed anybody yet, right? But the murderous thoughts that I have sometimes, I think I could do it. Like when someone gets on a plane and they kick off their loafers, and they’re wearing those gold-toed, like, dress socks, and they cross their feet at the ankles, and they just start rubbing their feet together. Like, I see the whole thing, see the whole thing. Wrapping that sock. Shh… Shh… Shh… Right? See the whole thing, so we’ll see. Still early on, right? But just the stories of how we got here, and where we’re going, and what happens after we die, everybody else’s religion sounded stupid, you know? Like, I live out in Los Angeles, there’s a bunch of Scientologists out there, and the first time I heard the story of Scientology, I was like, “That is the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my life.” [man] Yeah! Like, your guy’s name is Ron? Ron! And he wasn’t alive thousands of years ago, so you can hide a lot of it in the mystery. This guy was alive, like, 45, 50 years ago. He had a driver’s license, Social Security number. There’s like footage of him stubbing his toe. “Motherfucker!” Right? I know what happened. He was working at Denny’s, he got sick of it. “I’ll start a religion. Hey, everybody, there’s this spaceship coming back. Everybody’s getting sneakers. This is Tom Cruise. We’re gonna try to make you clear, right?” Look, I’m paraphrasing, I’m paraphrasing. To be fair to the Scientologists, I am paraphrasing, but that’s essentially what they believe in. And I said that is the dumbest shit I ever heard while simultaneously still kind of believing that a woman who never got fucked had a baby that walked on water, died, and came back three days later. So… Yeah. That made total sense to me. So it just hit me one day, I was like, why does that make sense and that shit doesn’t, you know? They got a spaceship in theirs, you know? We– right? We got the space shuttle, you know? There’s sneakers. There’s a lot of shit I can relate to in this. Why does that sound so dumb to me? You know what it is? I think it’s ’cause I heard their story when I was an adult. I heard my story when I was four years old, right? When I heard my story, there was still some fat fuck coming down the chimney, giving me Christmas toys. If I lost a tooth, there was a fairy. There was the Easter Bunny. Why wouldn’t there be some bearded baby moonwalking across the lake? Throwing out bottomless buckets of shrimp or whatever He did? Of course that made sense. What happened was, as I got older, all of that stuff started to fall, right? “Ah, son, there is no fat fuck, it’s your mother and I. Your mom’s the Tooth Fairy, rabbits don’t have eggs, her tits are fake, the NBA is fixed! Bankers are cunts! Most of your dreams won’t come true!” Right? And I was just like, “Wow, this is how the world is.” And meanwhile this shit was just floating, this 800-pound gorilla of this fucking story. I just had to make a decision, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do with this? Am I gonna cling to it, be that person? “That’s very offensive to me and other Christians and…” Become that douche? All right? And be like the casual Christian, right, with, like, one foot on base, just, “Yeah, I kind of go, a couple of times a year, and, like, if my parents come to town, I act like I go all the time, and I don’t go anymore.” Or my last option, which was basically just, just let go of the shit, you know? Just let go. [cheers and applause] Just let go of it like that creepy moment in curling. You know. That moment where the shooter, or whatever you call them, is just sliding with that rock, right? Just let me do this right, just sliding. And you think he’s along for the ride, the two of them, they’re a team, and all of a sudden out of nowhere he just goes fucking… That rock just keeps going, this dude just stops. That’s what I did with my religion. I just let go of it. I didn’t read a riot act to anybody, I just let go of it. “And on the third day, He rose again in fulfillment of the Scriptures…” I just floated away. [cheers and applause] So now it’s like, I’m in this weird place where I’m not in any religion right now. Unrestricted free agent. You know? [cackles] I’d like to believe in something, so I’ve been going around asking people what their shit is, and I haven’t been able to find anything. Trying to be open-minded. I was doing a gig in Helsinki, and over there, they’re, like, Lutheran, and what they believe, they believe when you die, you’re dead and that’s it. Dead, like a pigeon, just– just layin’ there. Over. Blew my mind, I’m like, “Really? You’re just dead?” Like my religion was you die, and then you go up to get judged, right? God pops in the DVD of your life. “Well, I don’t know about this right here. Mind explaining yourself?” This might be the most arrogant thing I say all night, but I actually resent the fact that I’m gonna get judged someday. Like, if that’s true, that somebody’s gonna judge me, that doesn’t even make any sense. It’s like, Dude, you made me, so this is your fuck-up. All right? Let’s not try to turn this around on me. You know? Jesus Christ. You give me freedom of choice, you make whores, you have me suck at math, and you don’t think this thing’s gonna go off the rails? Like, you set me up to fail, and now you got the balls to now question… your own goddamn work. Dude, if I made a car, if I built a car and it didn’t run, I wouldn’t burn it forever. “You evil piece of shit!” Just light it on fire. I wouldn’t, I would troubleshoot. Is there gas in the engine? Is the battery charged? “Anything beyond this, I got to get a real man to look at it, but I believe in you. I’m gonna try and help you out.” Yes, my religion, it’s nuts. It’s fucking nuts. Like, my religion, like, the way I was brought up is like, you know, you can make it to heaven but, like, some of your family members possibly couldn’t, or some of your friends. Doesn’t even make sense. Like how am I supposed to enjoy heaven if that’s the deal, right? Just sitting here, waiting for my friends to show up, “Jesus Christ, where the hell are they? It’s been, like, 150 years! They must have ate a lot of Brussels sprouts or some shit! Doing some yoga, right?” And then one day, it just settles in that they didn’t make it. And then what, I’m still gonna enjoy heaven, right? Jesus coming walking over: “Hey, how is it going, everybody? Isn’t this great? Isn’t this great?” “Yeah, Dude, it’d be even better if all my family members and friends weren’t burning for fucking ever! Kind of hard to enjoy heaven when you just keep thinking of that there, J-star, what do you think? Hey, Dude, I didn’t ask you to come over. You came walking over with your big, dumb sandals. ‘Hey, hey, how is it going over here?’ Why did you come over here? I don’t give a damn. Dude, tell your dad. I don’t give a fuck! I’m already in here, I’m already in here. What, are you gonna kick me out afterwards? Go fuck yourself. I knew He was gonna be like that, I knew it. The boss’s son is the worst. Fucking sense of entitlement.” So yeah, so they believe when you die, you’re dead. And I was like, so you’re just dead. Like, how do you wrap your head around not existing? I couldn’t get my head around it. He goes, “Well, like before, when you were born, do you remember that?” And I was like, “No,” and the guy’s like, “Yeah, it’s just like that.” I’m like, not only does that make sense, that is absolutely terrifying. Dude, I got to be honest, I hate how scared I’m getting as I get older. I’m developing all these new fears. Like, I have a fear of flying now. I never had a fear of it. It’s not straight-across-the-board flying. I don’t like small planes all of a sudden. I just don’t like them, and it has nothing to do with the plane. I believe in the planes, okay? I just don’t believe in the pilots. ‘Cause you know what? I don’t think the airline does, either. Which is why that dude is flying that little plane. The airline was basically, like, “All right, we’ll give you, like, 28 people. See how you do, you know? You fly them up, you land, you bring another 28 back. We’ll let you do this for a while. You do this for a while, we don’t get any complaints, no up and down, up and down, none of that shit, we’ll move you up to 35 people. And then one day, you’ll be in a jet–” Whoo! We’re going a little faster. Right? Big planes, you’re getting the fuckin’ pilot that knows what he’s doing. He’s probably fought in a war. He’s used to getting shot at. He can’t bring this bus in? It’s a joke. Right? A bunch of people whining in the back, “My headphones don’t work!” He doesn’t give a fuck, right? He’s up there sleeping. He’s trying to make something happen, he’s so goddamn bored. That’s a stud up there, right? So one time I’m flying into Albany, New York, okay, a city that nobody really goes to. So I’m on a smaller plane, and everything is going great. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, we hit this turbulence. [imitating sounds of turbulence] And it stops, and everybody looks around laughing nervously, like… [nervous laughter] All of a sudden, it comes back with a vengeance. You can literally hear the metal the plane’s made of, like… All of a sudden, this dude three rows back starts making these bitchy noises. “Whoa! Whaaa! Whoa! Whaaaa! Whoa!” I’m not gonna lie, I have never been so fucking scared in my entire life. Dude, that noise is acceptable out of a female or a child. But turn around and see a 37-year-old mustachioed male going… “Whoo! Whaaa! Whoa!” Dude, the hair was standing up on my arms. I’m praying to a higher power, I don’t even believe in the shit! I just wish I had the balls to turn around and be like, “Dude, would you shut the fuck up? Jesus Christ, be a man, push it down. Push it down, deny your feelings, act like you have answers. Do some man shit right now. Do some man shit.” Jesus Christ. You know? “You think I’m not up here thinking… ‘Whaaa! Whoa!’ I am! But how does that help us for me to join you and turn this fuselage into a haunted house?” You know what kills me, what absolutely kills me, is some woman is gonna fall in love with this guy, marry him and make half… whooo… whaaaa… fucking kids. And you know what? We become weaker as a species. We do. [cheers and applause] Do you remember back in the day when you watched the Discovery Channel about animals? Now they build cars, but it used to be about animals, right? Now it’s all car stuff. “Looking forward to getting that carburetor today. The carburetor didn’t fit.” “What do you mean the carburetor doesn’t fit? Dad’s gonna be mad.” [yelling gibberish] There’s never enough time to build the car. It’s so fucking stupid. “We got to have this bus done by Thursday!” Or else what? The guy doesn’t want it anymore? All right. “You’ll get the thing when we finish it, okay? This is a safety issue. You want brakes on it? Then go get yourself some fucking lunch.” So, before… [laughter] before there used to just be animals, and this is what I noticed: Everything from a lion all the way down to an insect, okay? If you had one drop of… whoo… whaaa… bitchy blood in you, none of the females would fuck you. That was it, your life was over. Your life was over. No ant pussy for you your entire miserable eight-day ant life, ’cause all six of your legs shook when the wind blew, and the female ant saw it. They’re like, “All right, stay away from that one. Stay away from that one. He’s gonna jeopardize the whole hill. And, Stacy, listen to me.” Human beings have empathy. Some woman will fall in love. “Well, he’s nice. He wears a sweater. He likes to bake, you know? He lets me finish my stories.” Which is all great qualities, okay, but you got to know, when you shack up with a guy like that, you’re rolling the dice. You’re rolling the dice that that fucking axe murderer is gonna pick the next house over, ’cause God forbid he picks your goddamn house, this is the dude who has your back, who’s gonna be screaming louder and higher than you when this guy comes through the fucking door. And you’re gonna turn around. All you’re gonna see is his cowardly feet going out the kitchen window. I don’t know, man, that’s risky. You know, in reality, I’m being too hard on that guy. Yeah, I am. I am, ’cause I was just as scared as he was. Except I didn’t scream out like he did, and that’s simple. The simple reason was this dude, he was hugged too much as a child. Having people going, “How was your day? What’s wrong?” And all of that shit, you know? That’s why I came down here. I came out here to tell you guys, you got to stop hugging your children. You are ruining this country. Now you can hug your daughters, you got to do that, you got to do that. Hug those hooker shoes right out of them, let them know that you’re a good man, and to find another man like you. You got to do that. But your son, you can hug them a little bit, but every three, four, you got to fucking knock ’em down, right? “Come on, it didn’t hurt, get up!” I didn’t come from a family, I don’t know about you guys, I didn’t come from a touchy-feely… “Call me when you get there. Mwah, mwah.” None of that shit. First time my mom hugged me, I think, was like, once when I was little, and when I moved out. That was it! And we only hugged ’cause we knew we were supposed to. So we just tried to, like, it was like two parking meters came to life, like, we almost bumped heads. It was horrific. Fucking horrific. To this day, sometimes I drive down the street, and I think about that hug, and it’s just so awful I have to like shout the memory out of my head. I’ll just be driving down the street, just be like… Aaaaah! Anybody else like that? You ever have to shout stuff out of your head? There’s something about me, like, all my regret comes up when I’m in the shower. I don’t know what it is. I think ’cause I’m in the shower, and I have time to think, and I’ll just think of shit I did in third grade where I just made an ass of myself, and I’ll just be in the shower just being like… [screaming] And my wife’s always just like, “Is everything okay in there?” I’ll just be like, “Yeah, yeah, just accidentally turned on the hot water. Turned it on too much.” “Every day?” So… Yeah… I actually asked my mother one time when I finally got out in the world, and I saw how other families interacted, I finally asked her, “How come we never did the hugging thing? How come we didn’t do that stuff?” She was like, “I wanted to hug you kids when you were little, but I was afraid it was gonna make you gay.” And I was like, “You were afraid?” And she goes, “Well, it was your father. That’s what it was. Protecting him like I always do. He was afraid. He said, you don’t know how to raise boys and if you hug them, that’s what’s gonna happen. So in a marriage, there’s compromises.” Yeah, so she basically never hugged us, ’cause my dad said if she did, it was gonna make us gay. And I got to tell you, that was a great thing that my dad did for me. Let me finish before you start blogging, okay? And I end up on a split screen on Good Morning Atlanta. “Comedy, could it go too far? Last night at the Tabernacle–” Sitting there next to some fucking Cheeto-eating blogger. So, yeah, this is the deal. I’m gonna defend my dad here because this is basically what happens when you have a kid. As far as I know. I don’t have any kids. As far as I’d think, if you have a kid, what do you want to do? You want to improve on your childhood, okay? You want to keep the shit that your parents did that worked, and then you want to get rid of the stuff that didn’t work. So that was my dad, as fucked up as that was, that was his improvement on his childhood that he never talks about, the way a veteran doesn’t talk about going to war. So I figure if that was his improvement on his childhood, his childhood just must have been something like, “Don’t change his shitty diaper. Let him figure it out for himself. Get out in the rain, you shitty baby! Hey, let me handle this, lady! Why are you still standing here, you shit toddler?” So he took it from that… and knocked it down to, “Don’t hug him, it’s gonna make him gay.” Right? And then maybe someday I ever have a kid, I’ll whittle it down to like, “He’s not taking drama class, all right? He’s not taking drama class ’cause I said so, lady! Let me handle this!” I won’t fix everything. And that’s not a homophobic thing either, that I wouldn’t send my hypothetical son to drama class. Okay? It isn’t. I would send… I’d let my hypothetical daughter take a drama class. Okay. My son can’t fucking do any of that shit unless I’m sending him to one of those Fame high schools where everybody’s doing it, one of those creative schools. You go to the cafeteria, everybody’s like, ~ Cottage cheese, what is it made of? ~ Then he can do all he wants. Then he can do all the fuck he wants, but there’s no way I’m letting him do that at a public school with those goddamn animals! He’s gonna get the shit kicked out of him! He’s gonna come home with his underwear up his ass, and then I have to be the adult and go down to the principal and be like, “There’s some sort of tomfoolery going on around here!” I don’t want to do that. I want to find the fucking eight-year-old. What is he, this tall? I want to find the kid that did it to my kid, tip him upside down into some sand or a puddle, anywhere where oxygen is going to be an issue, right, and just leave him there. You wait for that one leg to start shaking so you know he’s down to his last breath, and then you turn him upside-right, and you grab him by his throat, you say something horrific. “You ever do that again, I’m gonna beat your mother to death with the family dog.” All right? [applause] Over. So yeah, a lot in my life has changed since I last came through here to Atlanta. I got married. That’s the big thing. Yes, I did. Very happy about that. I’m very happy because it was starting to get weird. It’s like 45 years old. “My girlfriend, yeah, we’re gonna go out and get some pop.” Going to parties, it was just weird. ‘Cause I hang out with people my age, and they all got married, they all had kids. I just couldn’t contribute when people were standing around talking about marriage… marriages and kids. I felt like a little kid, just sitting there going like, “The superintendent of the mayoral candidate will be bicoastal, bipartisan, with the Middle Eastern crisis, it’s just…” “It’s an advanced learning program. The deadline is May 11th. We have to stop the bullying…” “…with the superintendent of the mayoral candidate.” When the conversation would come around to me, I felt like I was eight years old. I’d just be like, “Did anybody see the YouTube video where the raccoon stole the cat’s food, and the cat was scratching him and the raccoon didn’t care? He just came in like this, like George Foreman, and then he reached out, he had hands. All of a sudden, he had hands. I didn’t know they had hands. He scooped it up and he ran away on paws. Did you guys know they had hands?” So now I’m married, so the next move is you’re supposed to have a kid, which I would love to do, but I’m 46 years old. I’m just thinking it’s too fucking late, ya know. Come on, man, I’m gonna have a kid, I’m gonna die of natural causes when the kid’s in fifth grade. Throwing him a Frisbee. “We used to use these on a Saturday.” Do a face plant. My kid’s standing there, “Mom, Dad’s sleeping again!” I feel hopelessly behind. All my friends have kids. Most of my friends who have kids are cool, but I got a couple of those who think now that they have a kid, that I don’t understand anything anymore. You know those people? The most basic shit. “Hey, man, it’s kind of cold out today.” “Dude, you don’t understand. You don’t understand cold till you got a two-year-old with a mitten up his ass and you’re trying to get chocolate off the other one’s face.” “All right, all right, I get it, you have a more complex life, but I still understand being cold, teeth chattering. Kind of lets me know. Right?” “Mine just turned six.” “Mine just turned seven.” I just feel hopelessly behind. So what I’m actually thinking of doing, I’m thinking about adopting. Yeah. Absolutely, recycle. You know? Think globally, act locally. Everything doesn’t have to be brand-new. You know? It’s like when you redo your kitchen. You got custom up top, you got IKEA down the bottom, right? I’d love to adopt. It’s a great thing to do. But if I do it, I’m not telling any of my friends. I’m just gonna show up with the kid one day, just to piss ’em off. “Mine just turned six.” “Mine just turned seven.” I’d love to just show up with an eight-year-old, like, “Dominoes! Yeah, now I get to tell you what you don’t understand. Seven-year-old? Wait till they turn eight, eight is such a funny age. Terrible twos? Try the instant eights! Bam! They’re just there, like…! With all their issues…!” I should do it, though. I should adopt. I think it’s a great thing to do, and I already know what I want to get. I do. I want to get, like, an ’07, ’08… always garaged, good dentition. Do you know what I would love to do? I’d love to rescue some kid that works in a sweatshop. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Like, find the kid that made this shirt? Just show up at the factory like, hey! “Come on, bring it in! Bring it in, you little maniac! How you doing? You’re going back to the States. L-shaped couch, flat screen TV. Get in the car, the rest of you keep sewing, but you, you’re coming home with me!” Yeah. Dude, how easy… how easy would that kid be to raise? After the hell he’s been through, all I gotta do is let him sit down. I am immediately the greatest human being this kid has ever met. Just bring him home. “Have a seat.” He’ll be like, “I get to sit down?” “Yeah, lay down on the couch.” He’ll be like, “It’s like a cloud! It’s like a cloud!” I’ll get him a bowl of Fritos, put on cricket or soccer, one of those sweatshop sports. I don’t know. The kid would love me. So that’s my first draft pick. All right? Coming out of the gate with that. In the second round, I’d probably get like an ’05 boy soldier, ya know. Yeah, shore up the offensive line. You gotta protect the blindside. That’s how fucked up the world is, there’s little boys out there fighting in wars. So that’s a twofer. I can drag him out of that hell, give him something of what’s left of his childhood, and, God forbid, if the dollar ever collapses, right? Shit goes south, zombies take over, I got backup. Everybody thinks I’m gonna be the problem, meanwhile, I got this sawed-off Chuck Norris… standing next to me, 170 kills, confirmed fucking kills. They’re not stories! Can make a flamethrower out of a vacuum cleaner and a toaster. You can’t coach that, right? I got to be honest with you, I feel like I’d have to go easier on the discipline with the boy solider. I might be nuts, but I feel like I could come down on the sweatshop kid, right? “I said get in there and clean up your goddamn room. I’m getting sick of this shit! Goes for you too if you want. But you! You’ve been out of line all day, mister! Don’t even start that shit! Don’t even start that shit. You say that every time. Yes, you do. Every fucking time you say that. You know the answer. You want me to say it again? I’ll break it down to you. You know why it is? You want to know why? ‘Cause you sew. All right? Yeah. You sew. Dude, he’s fucking killed people. Do you understand that? No, he doesn’t, he doesn’t have to make his bed too. No, he doesn’t. Because he doesn’t sleep in the bed, he’s out in the bushes all night, talking to himself, freaking me the fuck out, all right? Oh, fuck you, fuck you! He scares me too, he scares me too. Don’t even start that shit. You wanted a big brother, and I got you one. Don’t even start that shit, all right? All right, you’re right. Stop crying, stop crying. Shouldn’t have yelled at you. I just thought I could fucking bring him in, give him a couple of Pop Tarts, I figured he’d chill out. Fucking sitting there looking through his eyebrows, doing that Full Metal Jacket shit. No, you can’t give him back, it doesn’t work that way. There he is, there he is! What’s up, buddy? What’s going on? We were just talking about you, just doing, like, a little surprise thing. You feeling all right? You feeling all right? You’re not looking through those eyebrows, huh? Everything okay?” So I figure, uh… I don’t know if I’ll do it. Maybe I’m too selfish. I have no idea. I’m all over the fuckin’ map. Do you know what I want to do right now? I actually want to learn how to fly a helicopter, man. I do, that’s my latest thing. You know why it is? It’s ’cause I live in Los Angeles. Yeah, and it’s an absolute clusterfuck. When you go into land in that city, just look out the window, and just look at the complete lack of planning. There’s not even zoning laws. They’ll build, like, a skyscraper next to a house, next to a gun range, and then there’s, like, a fucking daycare center. Right? The city doesn’t even work even when everything else works, so God forbid, the dollar collapses or some crazy shit happens, where you gonna go in a city like that? See, you guys are all right out here in Atlanta. You’re all right. I don’t know, maybe in Atlanta might be crazy. You’re on the outskirts, you’re fine. You’re fine. You don’t live in a desert. You slam your face in a birdbath, you’re cool. Drink that water for a good 30 days. L.A., there’s nowhere to go. That’s why I love the helicopter. Dude, the helicopter is the ultimate “fuck this, I’m out” vehicle. All you gotta do is assess the situation. Zombie coming up the street? “Fuck this! This looks safe.” You just land it. You could sit there hovering. Just sit there in a hover watching everybody getting killed, sitting up there eating cheese and crackers with the red stick. Yeah, so I told my wife I want to fly a helicopter. She’s just like, “Yeah, no.” Which I know that came from a place of love, but it still kind of annoyed me. Just that she said that shit, then I was just gonna be like, “Oh, all right. Thought I was gonna get to do that, but you said no, so… there goes that. Hey, what other dreams aren’t I gonna get to achieve? Like, do you already know or are you waiting for me to ask?” Yeah, I’m still gonna do it, I’m just not gonna tell her. I’m just gonna go out and do it, pass the goddamn class, and when I get my license, I’m not going to tell her. I’m just gonna go out and buy a white silk scarf, and hang it by a nail in the living room. She’s just gonna be like, “What is that? What is that for? What does that mean?” “Yeah, someday you’ll see, someday you’ll see. When the shit hits the fan, and you’re freaking the fuck out, and I’m taking branches off some unforeseen helicopter.” “What is that?” “Shut the fuck up and get in!” Now you guys think I’m bullshitting, I’m not. I’m serious. I’m 100% in on this. And ever since I got into it, I’m seeing helicopters everywhere. I never realized how many helicopters there were. Driving down the street like Henry Hill looking up at them… doing key bumps and shit. “They’re after me! Swear to God!” I’m seeing stories about them! It’s just like that old advertising anecdote. “I never realized how many mattress commercials there were out there until I needed a mattress, and then all of a sudden, they’re all over the place. And then I bought a mattress and then it all went away.” It’s the same shit. I saw this story down in Orange County. Right? Down in Orange County, California. This guy gave helicopter tours for 30 years– 30 years without incident. Hands the business off to his son, the American dream. “I built it up for 30 years. Here you go, son. Make the family and the family name proud.” “All right, Dad, I love you.” All right? This poor kid, five days in, he’s supposed to give a tour to a couple, only the dude shows up. The kid thought it was weird, but he’s like, “I need the money. I gotta give him a tour.” Right? So he takes this guy up. Ten minutes into the tour, the dude fucking jumped out. Yeah, five days in. Five days in from the balloons and the cake. “We love you, son. Keep the family tree going. The traditional line.” Five fucking days later, this kid, he probably barely had the speech down. Just sitting there, flying the helicopter. “All right, if you look out the left side of the aircraft, that’s Orange County. There’s over 27 miles of beaches there. Put your seatbelt back on, 27 miles of beaches. Was established as a county in 1903. Sir, please don’t open the door. Sir, what are you doing? Sir, no, no. Don’t, don’t, stop, no, no! What the fuck? What the fuck? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What the fuck, what the fuck?! Fuck!” Air traffic control: “I don’t know who’s on this frequency, but you really need–” “Somebody just jumped out of the fucking helicopter!” Five days in. So I read further into the story. Turns out the guy who jumped out, he was 61 years old, terminally ill, he was in pain every day. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him, and he had had enough. At that point, that guy immediately became a hero in my world. Know what I love about him, not only did he make the decision, he didn’t go out like some pussy, right? Handful of pills, watching a romantic comedy, wrapped in an afghan that Nana made. Fuck that. Guy went out like a man. “Take me up in a chopper, I’m looking at the land I love, and then I’m jumping out like a superhero.” I loved it. Yeah. [applause] This guy should have been wearing a fucking cape. I can’t imagine how elated he must have been on that helicopter ride up after finally just taking back control of his life, like, “Fuck you, disease. I decide.” Ripping tubes out, gets a burger, shotguns a beer. “Take me up in the chopper.” He probably had his fucking foot on the dashboard. He’s not even listening to this guy giving the tour. Right? “Over 27 miles of beaches, put your seatbelt back on. Established as a county in 1903. Sir, please don’t try to open the door. No, no, don’t, don’t, don’t!” [screams] [imitates wind whipping] Incredible! But here’s the thing. I left out one small thing. There is one small thing. The guy fucking lived. Yeah. Yeah, they were out over the ocean, 500 feet up. You’d think that would be enough so, I’m thinking he must have gone in like Greg Louganis, like, no splash, just… But witnesses said it looked like a dummy was falling out of the air. So that sounds like a hell of an impact. I think he accidentally did the most epic 500-foot belly flop in the history of jumping out of a helicopter. But that didn’t change what he was trying to do. Where his heart was, I still love this guy. I just feel bad for him. On the way down, he’s got to be thinking, “Three more seconds of pain! Two more seconds!” Wham! [agonized scream] “Oh, my God, this is worse! This is way worse!” It has a happy ending, though. He later died at the hospital. That’s right. So here’s to him. God bless him. I hope I have the balls someday. So where do you go from there? Well, as I mentioned, last time I came through town, I wanted to get a gun. You know? I do. Yeah. But I’ve finally given up on that. I gave up on that dream. My wife doesn’t want me to get one, so. Yeah, she didn’t want– Dude, you got to pick your fucking battles. I’m gonna learn how to fly a helicopter on the sly, I can’t fucking have some .357 hanging around. “I’ll do whatever I want. All right? What I say goes! Eat it!” Can’t be that person. Now it fucking bums me out, ’cause all I wanted to do was just get a .22, that’s all I wanted. Perfect gun for home protection, .22 caliber. You’re laughing at that, sir? That’s not enough? I don’t know. I’m down South. What do you think? That’s not enough, right? You want– Shotgun, right? .44? You guys are out of your minds. You’re out of your fucking minds. Let me ask all you gun guys, who are gonna make fun if I had a .22. “What’s with your .22? That little queer gun. Do you keep it between your buttocks? Is that the holster? Is that what you do with your gay little gun? You need a big gun.” All you fucking guys. Let me ask you this, all you guys with your guns… have you ever shot the fucking thing without earplugs? Have you ever done that? Or you’re like most people, you take it down to the gun range, you put your earplugs in, put your headset on, take it out of the briefcase. You got your little yellow tinted fucking glasses, right? You look at your spread or whatever, and then you put it back in there, right? You ever shot that thing without fucking earplugs? ‘Cause that’s what’s gonna happen when that intruder comes in. You’re not gonna have time to be, “Hang on a second, let me just…” Yeah, you’re not gonna have time. Dude, I shot a five-shot .38 one time without earplugs. I was landscaping this guy’s yard. He comes out at the end of the job. “Hey, I got this five-shot .38. You want to go down the street? There’s a burned-out car. We can take a couple of shots.” You know what’s funny? Every other state is fuckin’ dying laughing at this point in the joke because it’s so goddamn ridiculous, until I get down to the South. And you guys just sit here staring at me like, “All right, so what happened? Pretty standard, I thought this was gonna be a comedy show. You’re reading from your journal? I don’t understand what the– It’s not a real compelling story.” I’m mowing a fucking lawn, and a stranger comes out with a weapon and says, “Let’s shoot it at a burned-out car!” Okay? Jesus Christ, can we agree on that? So I’m like, all right, let’s do it, fuck it. So I go down there. Never shot a gun before. I bring the gun up, point it at the car, I pull the trigger. I saw the muzzle flash, I felt a kick, I never heard the gun. I pulled the trigger, all I just heard was… [high-pitched tone] I shot the gun four more times. Never heard it. Didn’t get louder, didn’t get quieter. Just kept seeing flashes. [high-pitched tone] All right? So let’s take one of your fucking guns. Let’s just say, for the sake of argument. All right, you got that thing sitting on a nightstand, loaded. Right? For God’s sakes, tell me you have it there. Don’t be one of these people that has the gun here and the bullets there. You got the thing fucking loaded, ready to go. 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, this is when the psycho’s coming in too, right? That’s when they come in, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning. They don’t come by at 6:30 at night, as you’re cutting into a pork chop. “I’m out of my mind, I’m coming back in 20 minutes, so stretch out your hammies ’cause it’s gonna get crazy.” That’s not how it works. They wait till you’re dead asleep, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, right before REM sleep is kicking in. So let’s just say for the sake of argument, all you gun guys, you got your thing loaded, right? Your piece, right? Right there, loaded for bear. You’re lying there, same scenario, right? One leg under the covers, one without. Shirt. 4:00 in the morning, you’re just… [snoring] Meanwhile, some psycho, sneaking in through the living room window, right? He brings in a fucking sickle. And he’s just listening. Listens all the way down that hall and he just hears… [snoring] He’s trying not to squeak on the floorboards. And you’re just fucking lying there. [snoring] All of a sudden, that little dog on the floor is just like… [low growling] [growling and snoring continue] “What’s the matter? What’s the matter? What’s the matter? What’s the matter, boy? You hear something? What’s the matter? What are you barking for? You’re shaking. What’s the matter, huh? You hear something? What’s–? Come on, man, quit fucking around. I got to go to work tomorrow.” [snoring] All of a sudden, boom! That door flies open. You just see this shadowy figure. You pick up that gun. Blam! [high-pitched tone] And you fucking miss! You miss! You can’t see, now you can’t hear. That’s two out of five senses! What, are you gonna taste him as he comes around the bed? You’re still gonna be shooting over here. Meanwhile, you see this strobe light psycho coming around the fucking bed. Takes off your head. If you had the .22, you could still hear. Your ears would be ringing, but you could hear that fucker coming across, and you could shoot at him, and he would leave. He would leave. You guys just won’t get off the fact that it’s a fuckin’ .22. You’re, like, psychotic with this shit. All right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me– I will extend an olive branch to you people, okay? I get it. I get it that a .22 is basically a ‘roided-up BB gun. I got it, okay? I understand that if you actually want to kill somebody, you have to basically have the gun up to somebody’s head and be throwing a jab as you pull the trigger. I understand that. Okay? But I maintain, I don’t care who the fuck the toughest person is in this house. I could defend my house with a BB gun. I don’t give a fuck how tough you are. I don’t care. If I started shooting at you with a BB gun, at the very least, you have to go back outside and regroup. That’s a fact. That is a fact. If I caught you in your elbow, that might be the end of your night. “Look, I’m coming back, I’m coming back!” I’ve been trying to get along with my wife better. I’m trying to dial down the douchebaggery in my relationship. I’m not turning out the pilot light, though. All right? I’m keeping some fight in me. I’m not gonna be that henpecked guy just standing there like, “I guess we’re making holiday cookies.” That dude with the bowed shoulders. “She makes them and then I’m supposed to sprinkle the sugar on them. I don’t even think they taste that good, but just–” No, I stand my ground sometimes. Sometimes I let it go. You just got to figure it out. We had a fight the other night, she got so mad at me, she was like, “You can just sleep downstairs. You can just sleep downstairs.” I couldn’t believe it. It’s one of the most arrogant things I’ve ever heard in my life. One adult telling another adult where they can sleep. “You can just sleep downstairs.” Like I was just gonna sit up in bed, grab a blanket like Linus. “All right. Hey, where downstairs, by the way? Like, over here downstairs, or like more over here? Where should I sleep?” It’s like, are you out of your mind? I go, “I’m not sleeping downstairs.” She’s like, “Where you gonna sleep, then?” I’m like, “Where I always sleep. I will fucking sleep on your side of the bed if I want to! What are you gonna do? I’m bigger than you. I’ll hang onto the covers, try to get me out. No tickling. Go ahead!” Yeah, I was like, “You don’t tell me where to sleep. I sleep where I want to sleep.” She’s like, “Well, you don’t tell me where to sleep.” I’m like, “I’m not the one telling people where to sleep!” It was one of those classic relationship fights. It’s like 2:00 in the morning, you’re both half naked. She’s not wearing a bra, you got half a ball hanging out. “And another thing! No, no, I need to say this! The other day, I felt slighted!” It’s fuckin’ unreal, but what kills me is that there’s actually guys out there that will actually listen to that shit. Yeah, you talk to them, they’ll be, “Hey, how’s it been going?” “It’s been rough last of couple nights downstairs on the couch. You know how that is, right?” No, I don’t. I don’t understand. How did you get yourself into that situation? Like, what are you afraid of? What is she gonna do if you say no? What, is she gonna fucking chokeslam you onto the kitchen table? I understand if you’re dating some woman and she does that UFC MMA shit, then you got to sleep where she says to sleep, you got to. She’s gonna come at you. “Well, let’s get you in an arm bar.” “All right, all right, all right!” Tapping out. Or even worse, she chokes you out. You wake up on the couch, like, 11 minutes later. Just grab your jacket off the back of the couch. “I fucking hate when she does this. It’s like, it’s not even fair. Have a debate like a normal person.” All right? I’m gonna talk somebody down from a ledge here, someone who’s actually been sleeping on the couch, okay? So there’s the first fear, out the window. Okay, she can’t physically dominate you, so that’s gone. What’s the next fear? She’s gonna cut off the sex. Yeah, rub one out. Neutralized. It’s the most empty threat there is. Do it right in front of her. “Join me!” Yeah. I’ve never understood that threat. That’s like somebody putting a chain around your refrigerator, but you got a sandwich in your pocket, a never-ending sandwich, like some biblical shit, like Jesus with the fucking bread or whatever. So now what’s the last thing she can do? What can she do now? Be moody? You can’t handle that? Walk by your TV without looking at you. Only make herself something yummy out in the kitchen. Who gives a fuck? My wife does that, I just sit there, I just start commentating. “Here she comes again, walking by the TV. She really must be mad.” She’s never body-slammed me once, ever. I’m not saying to be a dick. All right? I’m just saying, you got to keep them honest. Every once in a while, you got to have a little pushback. “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.” Rest of the shit– I’m learning that about women. You just want to keep them calm. Just keep them calm, like a rescue dog, right? Just everything’s cool, everything’s cool, just, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is great, this is great, I’m having a great time. No, your friends are awesome, your friends are awesome, very interesting party. I am talking to people, I’m talking to people, I am having a good time here.” That’s what you do. You just do that enough, then when you bark back, you got a little something. Here’s an olive branch I’ve extended to her. It’s basically… We fight a lot over television. I’ve kind of come her way, she’s come my way. She watches a little bit of sports, I occasionally will watch a romantic comedy. Which, I don’t care, the nerd’s gonna fuck the cheerleader. I’ll watch it, right? I don’t mind them, it’s an uplifting story. I just don’t like the love scenes in romantic comedies. They creep me out. They’re just so fucking nice. It’s, like, missionary-style. There’s candles. That stupid saxophone music. [imitates saxophone] It always goes down. Like the saxophone implies the penetration, right? ‘Cause they can’t show it. They got to make her this one-dimensional, this little angel. They ignore the other 90% of her sexuality. No hair-pulling, no ass-slapping, none of that shit. None of that taboo stuff of a woman’s sexuality. That’s never brought up. That whole “Hold me down but let me up, but hold me down. Choke me, but let me breathe, but kind of scare the shit out of me a little bit. I want to feel your power but I want to be safe, but let me know if you really wanted to.” That whole Fifty Shades of Rape, whatever the hell that is. Yeah. I don’t even pretend to understand it. I remember the first time a woman wanted to get me to choke her a little bit. I didn’t even know what she was doing. I was just so psyched to be getting laid, I was like… And she just kept taking my hand, and she kept putting it right here. I didn’t know what she was doing. I thought she was testing my core strength or some shit. And finally, I was just like, “What are you doing?” She says, like, “I don’t know. I just kinda like, ya know. It’s like squeeze a little bit and kind of like squeeze it. Why don’t you want to do it? It’ll be fun.” Why don’t I want to do it? I don’t think I want a passed-out naked woman with my fingerprints all around her neck. Having the cops show up. “Yeah, she’s in here, Officer. Damndest thing, it was her idea. I swear to God, it was her idea!” Yeah, they always make it nice in those movies. The raciest thing they’ll do is every once in a while, they’ll kiss up against a wall. I guess women like walls. I didn’t know that. A lot of up-against-the-wall kissing. “Oh, my God, it’s the wall. Oh, my God! It’s supporting me, maybe he’ll support me, it’s a metaphor, I love it.” Yeah, I saw one the other night, they were doing that, and then out of nowhere, they started having sex up against the wall. I’m like, finally, something a little bit more interesting, right? But they were doing it standing up facing each other, missionary-style. Arguably one of the most difficult positions there is, and they were doing it with little to no difficulty. All she did was lift her leg up like that, and that was it. He was off to the races. I ruined the movie for my wife. I’m like, “That is fucking bullshit! Bullshit.” What does the guy have, like, a U-shaped dick? How is he doing anything? Is he sticking it in her navel? Did he grease up her thighs, to hell with her needs? Like, if all she’s gonna do is this, she’s got to bring it up like an offsides call, if that’s what she’s doing. All right? If not, you got to make some adjustments. You just got to grab the other leg, you got to try to pick her up there, use these muscles. [screaming] Maybe you could grab a doorjamb, drop down, try to come in, try to do that. Dude, nobody can do that other than a porn star for longer than 18 seconds before they’re like, “All right, this is ridiculous, okay? My calves are burning, I can’t get nearly enough momentum to do any sort of damage. I can literally feel you getting on with your day with every pathetic attempt to try and rock your world.” These guys in the movie, they have no problem banging away, then they pick them up like they’re not heavy. They start walking down, they see the bed, they just lay her down on the bed. Dude, I’m not trying to be a dick, but every woman in here is heavy. Yeah, you’re heavy. You’re an adult female! Jesus Christ, when do you stop picking up your kids? When they’re, like, five or six? “Get off of me! Jesus Christ. You’re gonna throw out my back. Go jump on your brother.” An adult woman weighs 115 pounds, 120, all the way up to God knows what. And it’s not balanced weight. Most of it’s in your thighs and in your ass. Your head’s hanging off trying to counterbalance. Dude, when guys go to the gym, we don’t put 30 pounds on one side and a buck-80 over here. “Fuckin’ yeah!” Yeah, it’s ridiculous. Trying to carry a naked woman, it’s like trying to carry a half-filled waterbed mattress. You’re, like, bumping into shit. When you see the bed, you don’t walk to it, you slowly start picking up momentum. Then she bounces off this mattress, hits the wall, slides down, the whole sex vibe’s ruined, and you’re back to your sandwich in your pocket. All right, I’m out of time. You guys were awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. I had a great time. I’ll see you next time. Thank you. [cheers and applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-izzard-glorious-1997-full-transcript/ | Eddie Izzard – Glorious (1997) – Transcript | eddie izzard | (Siren) Well, Times Square. I just had to do a show right here and it’s brilliant to do it in Times Square because there’s always a bunch of people who can hang around and watch me talk complete rubbish. (d Suede: Filmstar) D Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car, it looks so easy d Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car tonight d I’ve lost my comedy! (Phone) Hello? You’ve gotta be on the edge. There’s no one at the fire station. Some people are not on the edge, they’re right on the lid. (Deep male voice) ‘As you’ve never seen him.’ You will be the movie, you will be the star. You don’t love me any more! ‘International comedian.’ …avec la couronne. I love your work. It’s very good, isn’t it? Don’t worry, I’ll come. ‘Edward J Izzard… ‘ Do you think it’s easy to wear lipstick? (Siren) ‘… enters the American dream.’ I want to be bigger than McDonald’s. The first image we wanna get across is girls. Why don’t we go to bed? A lot of sex. We need a stand-in. Still goes like a rocket. I’m willing to prostitute myself. Not in a tacky way, in a good way. Fighting. Oi, Tracey. My name is not Tracey. I wanna live till I die, no more, no less. (Barking) (Man) ‘You can’t fight off the speed of the life he lives.’ Leave me a-fucking-lone! Moody. Moody. Pressure. I don’t give a shit about those girls in Paris. We need a section on your background. I was born in Yemen. So I’ve got to say I was born in France? The horror! I want money, fame and integrity too. All right, I was born in there. Danger could be my middle name. But it’s John. (Cheering, whistling) Hammersmith Apollo! Was Hammersmith Odeon, now Hammersmith Apollo! Labatt’s Apollo? Er, no. Erm. Large drink, I think, erm. Hamburger Albert Hall McDonald’s Burger Thing. New future of eating things. Strange, yeah? And Apollo, the god of the sun. Odeon, god of popcorn and, er, Coca-Cola and cinemas. I don’t know what’s going on there. So, welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo. Sorry about the cameras tonight, I hope it doesn’t get in the way. If you’re pissed off then I’ll pull them out and throw them in the street. Good, no, everyone’s fine. We’ll still just do the show cool. Occasionally, the lights might come up at the side and you’ll go, “Oh, I can see myself.” We just want to know you’re still there. So there might be a few things but I’ll be extra funny tonight, just for you people, an extra 10% funny. You can’t check, can you? Ah. Unless you came every night with a laughometer. “Well, five. Fuckin’ hell.” So. D Dum-de dum… d Comedy, big fuck-off room d Er, forgotten it now. Oh, yes, the Old Testament, the beginning of the world. The Old Testament. That’s where stuff began, in the Christian version of things. Everyone had beards, big fuck-off beards in the Old Testament. And the deep voices “Oh, I say to you. “And Elijah and the clouds and chariots… The burning bush. “Oh, beard on fire, shit. “Into the Dead Sea. “Ooh, a goatee.” Even the dogs in the Old Testament – big beards. “Woof, woof, I say to you. A biscuit? Thank you.” In English comic books, “woof, woof’. In French comic books, “ouah, ouah”. Aah! So. So, God created the world in seven days. A foolish brag, I feel. If I was God I’d say, “I’m going to create the world over a number of days. “Not sure how long, might be a bit pressed, you know.” Too much pressure, seven days dead. Do it like Microsoft – “It’ll be done by Saturday, Tuesday, next week. “We’ll bring it out when we’re fucking ready, right?” I think God was actually in bed and his mum said, “Get out of bed, God, you’ll miss the best part of the day.” His mum was Mrs Badcrumble. “Get out of bed…” (Audience cheer) She’s just my clarinet teacher, right. “Get up, you’ll miss the best part of the day.” And God, who was James Mason, said, “No, I won’t get out of bed, Mother, “because I haven’t yet created the best part of the day. Ah. “Ah, can’t get me on that one. Box clever, you see.” “Oh, you wee young scallywag. “I’ll box you a bit later.” So. So then God created the world and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam, more jam, perhaps, and, er, and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go “urh” and… and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, “I can’t remember what I’ve invented now. “I’ve just been ad-libbing so far.” And so everything built up through the days. You know how if you’ve got a deadline, everything builds up. On the seventh day God was in a panic, “Oh, what haven’t I…? “Rwanda, better create Rwanda. “Oh, sorry, haven’t quite done that. The Tower of Pisa. “It’s leaning, oh, damn. “Toilets in French camping sites, there we go. “English football hooligans, whatever that is. “Mrs Thatcher’s heart. There we… Oh, fuck that. “I’ll put a stone in, that’ll work. There we go.” (Applause) The next week people are coming back going, “Rwanda doesn’t work very well. “The infrastructure is fucked.” “I’m terribly sorry, I’ll put some more jam here. And… “And a mountain of cabbages and a radiator.” “Thank you, that’s just what we wanted.” This is them dragging Rwanda back to lay it out on the map. No one got that. Never do that piece again. So, stuff happened. Yes, it unfolded. And Cain killed Abel, fatted calf, “doof’, erm. And there came a period a number of centuries later when God said, “No, no, everything is bad. “I will send a flood, kill everything and start again.” It was the Etch A Sketch end of the world, basically. No, no. “Don’t know what that is, don’t recognise that any more.” Remember with Etch A Sketch when you’d done a house and a sun at the top, you’d try to do a dog down here and you had to leave vapour trails all the way along. Oh, bugger it. So God said, “I will sent a flood. 40 days, 40 nights and lots of umbrellas. “But I will save two of everything because it looks good on a seesaw photo.” Two hippos. “Noah, stop what you’re doing and build me an ark.” And Noah, with Sean Connery playing the role, “I’m working on a speedboat at the moment. “It’s much more exciting – “bigger engine and it can shoot across the water like that.” “No, I want an ark with a big room for poo.” “Look, a speedboat, it’ll kick ass. “Lt’ll give great photos to the people in the Bible. “We can get all the animals with long ears to sit along the side. “Look fucking excellent. Excellent photographs.” “No, you’ll build me an ark. You can put a big engine in that if you want.” “OK, I suppose. “It’s a compromise.” So he started to saw up pieces of wood to make the ark. (Sawing noise) It’s not how you start sawing. You start by going… (Faster sawing) It’s impossible to start, isn’t it? (Fast sawing) Then you get into that middle bit. (Slower sawing) Which feels good. Where you feel like your dad. Your dad used to say, “I’m just going out to the garage “to saw a plank of wood in half.” (Slow sawing noise) Ker-dunk. “There we go. “Now, Dr Bronowski on Sunday television. “The Ascent Of Man.” (Snores) Sundays with my dad, that was. No, you want a speed saw, much quicker. N-zuh. Hoh-hah. Those power saws, much better. The sawing has a difficult start, then it goes a bit better and by the end it’s back to, (Fast sawing) And after a while Noah realised he was actually punching a baboon. Ooh-ooh-ooh! “Stop hitting me.” Ooh-ooh-ooh! “Leave me alone, I’m trying to sleep.” “I’m not punching you, this is my mime. “I’m making an ark, get out of my mime. I don’t want you in mime.” “What have you got against baboons in mime?” “Nothing, you can do your own mime, but not in my mime. “Not on my mime. “It’s my motto – ‘No baboons in mime’.” “You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?” “I did before but I don’t now.” So, he built an ark and that was great and then he collected two of every animal from all around the world, including two baboons, one a bit punch-drunk. “He was hitting me, I didn’t know what was going on.” He was going, “What have we got here? Two dogs, OK. “Long ears? Along the side, please. “I’ll explain it to you later. “Two sheep? Well done. On you get, sit along the side there. “Two cats, small ears? Inside the boat. “Two ducks?” The ducks are going, “We’re not coming.” “There’s going to be an enormous fuck-off flood.” “So? “What’s the big problem?” There’s a huge hole in the whole flood drama because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free and it was the idea to kill everything. He didn’t say, “I will kill everything except the floating ones and the swimming ones “who will get out due to a loophole.” In a James Mason voice. “I will kill everything “except the floating ones and the swimming ones… “Loophole. “Sorry, I was offstage in my trailer. Someone else did my lines.” So, yes. Anything that could float – your bad ducks, your bad geese, your bad swans. “Haaa”. Bad ducks going, “Quack, quack, quack, ooh. Blargh.” “Ha ha.” They’re the spitting ducks. Your bad fish. “Boh.” Bad pilot fish with those little lights on the top. Evil pilot fish. Really bad. The ones that go round in twos and swim up to other fish with their lights at the front. And the other fish go, “No, it’s a car coming towards me! Ah!” Whoosh! “Hey! “Bloody pilot fish! You evil pilot fish! “I know your dad.” That’s how a fish walks if he’s English. “Don’t know what just happened there.” Yes. So it’s a big hole in the whole thing. With humans, we understand the idea of good and bad, of evil and very, very good, saintly, I suppose. But with animals – what, in fact, is an evil giraffe? “I will eat all the leaves on this tree. “I will eat more leaves than I should “and then other giraffes may die. “Ah-ha-ha. “I am an evil herbivore.” It’s very difficult to be evil. “I will hide berries where no one has seen them. Ha-ha.” But with dogs, we do have “bad dog”. “Bad dog” exists. “Bad dog! “Bad dog, stole a biscuit, bad dog.” The dog’s saying, “Who are you to judge me? “You human beings have had wars against people of different creeds and colours “and I stole a biscuit? “Is that a crime? “People of the world!” “Well, if you put that way, I suppose you’ve got a point. “Have another biscuit, sorry.” That’s a dog owned by a giraffe. Yes! I’m quite interested in death in a kind of morbid way. Erm. Which goes together. Well, death just happens. Boom and vmph, and that’s just it. There. Erm, confusing beast. Some people have the life force. My gran had it, she just would not check out. She had three strokes and was paralysed down the left-hand side. She was still in there, “I’m sticking here.” The Grim Reaper must have been on her shoulder. “Come, old lady, it is your time. “We go to the Land of the Dead. “Come, we will travel across the River Styx on my boat. “Two, please. “One and one OAP. “What? Are you coming?” My gran’s still at home. “No, I’m not coming. “Got stuff to do. I’ve got to sit around and talk weird for a couple of years.” Which was the unfortunate downside of the stroke thing. I kept visiting her and I was her mother-in-law, her daughter-in-law, her brother’s son, it shuffled around. She was a very energetic woman. You know, at a certain age, you get the gran’s coat that they go round in and the cake on the head type thing. “20 Rothmans, please. Thank you.” That was me gran. The Grim Reaper must have a tough time because women don’t die, they go on. Men just go, 65, boom. “Come on, where’s your stamina? Ah.” D “Bom-bom-bom. I am a gran, I live forever” d The Grim Reaper, “I could not get the women, they would not come. “I got the men, the men are all lined up.” “Yes, thank you, we’re ready for bed. “Can we get pyjamas, please?” “No pyjamas in the Land of the Dead.” “I was told pyjamas in the brochure.” “I don’t think…” “Yes, pyjamas…” “No…” “But…” “No…” “Ooh!” “Ooh!” “Oh, I’ve got your scythe, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on.” “It was a mime problem. “There’s a baboon here, what’s he doing here?” “I don’t know, someone was punching me, I’m just in the line.” God is there in the Land of the Dead, “Grim Reaper, you could not get the women?” Sorry, in my James Mason voice, “You could not get the women? What was the problem? “Didn’t you reap them with your grim reaping equipment?” “I tried that. But the women, they all know hopscotch. “And they leapt over.” They did and it’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch was bizarre for boys because boys never played. As a boy I was behind walls going, “What happens? What do they do? “What do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with mystic numbers – one, five, seven, eight, you know. A bit of a broken doll there. Some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope. In case the clergy came by – “Run, run, it’s the clergy! “Run, it’s the Pope and everyone.” They do that skipping stuff, don’t they? Young girls and huge fuck-off boxers are the two groups of people that have a joining line. “Jam, elephants, peanuts, elephant and dung, jumping up and down… “Change!” (Mumbles) And huge fuck-off boxers are doing the same thing – “One, elephant…” (Mumbles) Boom. I’ve never seen young girls and big fuck-off boxers do it at the same time. (Mumbles in deep voice) (Mumbles in high voice) The impressions here are kind of sketchy. (Mumbles in high voice) “You have a very high voice for a boxer.” (High voice) “Yes, I do.” (Deep voice) “I have a very deep voice for a girl.” Sorry, I was talking about hopscotch. Hopscotch, this strange religious experience. All the numbers and there was one girl on the course, they go girl by girl. D Frére Jacques, Frére Jacques, dormez-vous? D I think that was training for this with the leg stuff. D Sonnez les matines d And at some point she’d go, “Oh, no, I fucked it up. Oh.” And boys watching would go, “What? Did what wrong? “Fucked up what? What did they do right? It makes no sense.” And they’d all drift off and boys would walk over the course – “What happened here? We should do an archaeolo… loshical dig.” “We should do a what?” “An archaeological dig. My tongue got stuck in my back tooth. “Checking for stuff.” Thank you, one person. So, that’s just true. We were kids, we grew up, we end up doing things, the job thing. The careers officer comes to school – I was going to be in the army, ended up doing stand-up comedy. Slightly different. Slightly more make-up the way I went. Army’s only got that night-time look and, er… It doesn’t work for me. This is true, in the army thing, I liked that running, jumping, standing still. “I can see you in a tree, aha,” part of it. So, stand-up comedy – vocation. You can’t just fall into it. There’s others, like taxidermist. You can’t go, “I was working in a chip shop “then I started stuffing animals with sand.” You’ve got to want it. “I wanna be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. “I want to get more sand into an animal “than anyone’s ever bloody got in an animal. “I want to fill a rat with the entire Gobi desert “so it’s really quite tight.” They should put more things in, sand gets boring. “Porridge. I’m doing this one with porridge.” B-dum, b-dum. Staple gun. “Your dog’s finished, I filled him with porridge. Thbpth!” “It’s a bit floppy.” “Yeah, that’s porridge for you. “You’ve got a two-level effect.” “That’s got a nine-level effect.” “I’ve done your cat – he’s with helium.” “It’s a bit high up.” “That’s helium for you. “There’s no height restriction. “Do you want it here?” Woosh. Pah. “In fact, grab hold, I’ve got two controls.” “What? Oh, right, I see. Er.” There’s a cat going whoo, whoo. With that fixed expression. Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist. “I’ve done your dog. He’s got nine eyes down the side, “I’ve made his head all square. 15 legs, what do you think?” “Er, Fido looks a bit weird.” Beekeepers as well. Beekeepers, yes. They’ve got to want to be… “I want to be a beekeeper, I want to keep bees. “I don’t want them to get away, I want to keep them. “They have too much freedom. “I want bees on elastic so when they get pollen they come back here. “My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him. “I want to walk in their footsteps – which were like this – Aaaah! “Aaaah! I’m covered in bees! Aaaah! “Covered in bees!” Cos that’s your job, isn’t it? Beekeepers must lose it occasionally. You’re there, you’ve got the netting, you’ve got 2,000 bees. (Droning) And essentially you’re trying to steal honey. (Droning) “Morning, morning, morning, morning. “Hello. Knock knock. Coming in, hello. “Look, there’s a Ferrari over there, can you see that Ferrari? “Yes, it’s going very fast, isn’t it? “Well, morning. Thank you.” They must be walking back with all these bees around and they must go “What the fuck am I doing? “I’m covered in bees! “Help! “I’m covered in bees!” You don’t get the perks of a normal job. If you work in an office, there are other people there, you can flirt. “Hey, you’re new here. How are you getting on? “Do you want a coffee? I was just getting one, I can get you one. “I like my coffee like I like my women – “in a plastic cup.” Beekeepers can’t do that, with 2,000 bees. (Droning) “Hello there, you in the street. You’re new, aren’t you?” “Urh!” “Er… Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem.” – (Droning) – “No real problem.” “I don’t want a cup of coffee from you, you’re covered in bees.” “I like my women like I like my coffee – “covered in bees. “Now back off, back off, back off. “Aaah.” They’re always just behind you, or in front. If beekeepers go on a general outing, is their van followed by a load of bees? – “Faster, faster.” – (Droning) “Faster! Put your foot down.” Yes. And they have a queen bee and we have a queen bee in this country. The monarchy system, gradually, over a period of time, has fallen apart but in Britain it’s stayed together while falling apart at the same time. And I think people become their faces, as they get older, people look how they are and the Queen is too severe. She’s… Hmm. The glasses get bigger and bigger. She’s becoming an owl. Her glasses will be bigger than her body at some point. And then she will light fires everywhere. She’ll live forever, she’s got the old woman thing. D “Bom-bom-bom. I’m the Queen, I’ll live forever d “I’ll never die, I’ll live to a million” d The Queen Mother! D “Bom-bom-bom. D “I am the Queen, I’ll live forever” d The Queen Mother is amazing, she’s got artificial hips, she has an artificial arm, a bionic eye. She cost six million dollars! (d Sings The Six Million Dollar Man Theme) De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. “Paparazzi, 2,000 yards.” De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. “Off with the tiara.” (d Resumes theme) Sh-ze-ze-de-de. (d Resumes theme) The Six Million Dollar Man, he was a bit slow really. He had amazing powers. “OK, Steve, you’ve got to get those bad guys over there.” “I’m right on it, Oscar.” (d Resumes theme) “Little bit faster, if you could, Steve. They’re going to get away.” You’re watching on telly. “Oh, I’ll get a coffee. This is taking forever.” As long as the music was going. De-de-de-de-de-de. You get back and he’s somewhere near the car. People are by the car going, “Jesus. “Oh, he’s hit me.” So, yes, the Royal Family. Hmm. Diana died, Diana died, and… Everyone’s gone quiet, what’s going on? No, I’m not doing big laugh death jokes. I don’t do those because it’s not a big funny area for me. But she did die and we were thrown by it. Some people were big fans and were having a lot of grief time. I was not a big fan. I didn’t dislike her. I preferred Diana’s direction to the Queen’s direction. The Queen’s just “Hmm”. Diana was slightly more “mm” and… So I preferred that direction but I think we were thrown because it was like a soap opera. Front page for the last four months, Dodi and Di, on holiday, and that was so in your face that you had to be thrown. It happened one night and you woke up and went, “What? Weird.” And it was something like The X-Files. That’s huge, it’s all over the world, Scully, Mulder, front page, no clothes. Erm, kinda similar, imagine if an episode came out on a Monday at 2am and they killed off the characters and we went, “What? Has it finished now? “I was watching that. “Just Monday night and…” It just throws you, you know. Scully always there, she’s so, “Look, Mulder, “I don’t believe that Martians with big elbows are taking over the world.” “There’s tons of files on that thing, Scully. You’ve got to read these files.” By the end of the show there’s Martians with big elbows everywhere. She’s swatting them off with a tennis racket, “I believe you, Scully! “Mulder.” “Do you know who you are?” Anyway. So, it happened, and so there was a mother who died, there was a lot of sympathy towards the kids, one 17, one 13, I think. That was understandable. And my dad said something to me – “My mum died when I was six and my brother was eight. “No one gave a shit.” It was interesting because a lot of people die, people at the concentration camps and no one does give a shit. There was a lot of focus on that so I don’t know how it all fits together but we were thrown. And everyone came on telly, there was Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, saying, “We’re sorry about this.” The Queen said nothing. Monday, nothing. Tuesday, Wednesday, nothing. Thursday, nothing. Friday, as if someone was pushing her in the back. “Get on!” What? It was as if Charles was there going, “Get on the bloody thing.” “But it’s not Christmas. I’m not… “Charles, it’s not Christmas. I’m on holiday in Scotland, what’s going on?” The problem with the Queen is she doesn’t know how to talk from the heart and that’s what we deal with now. Someone says, “Look, I fucked up at this” or, “I’m trying to do this.” But she’s there saying, “We’re very sorry about Diana, she died.” And you’re not connecting there. I would have more respect for the Queen if she said, “Diana, she died and that’s very sad but we didn’t get on “and she went in a different direction “but I didn’t want her to die and so that’s a sad thing.” I’d have more respect if she was upfront about it and also if she said, “About resigning the throne, I’m never gonna do that. “I’m staying here. “I’ve superglued the crown onto my head “and, as I speak, I’m strapping myself in. “Fuck off. D “I’m an old lady” d Cos she’s not going, is she? She’s not. She’s going for Queen Victoria’s record, I can see that. There’s a glint in the eye. Queen Victoria was queen for 2,000 years. And she won’t resign. What will her mother do? “I’m the mother of the Queen Mother of the King of the…” She’d be lost. She’s staying in there, superglued onto the throne. “What?” Going on holiday like this. Back in the ’50s she was quite sexy in a sort of difficult-to-believe but… But she was. In a kind of, you know, the ’50s skirts, “Fancy the Queen, yeah. Got her picture on my locker door, yeah. “Shag the Queen.” In the ’60s, London and Britain was hip for the first time since the Civil War and the Queen should have gone with it, slipstreamed in there. Short skirts, E-type Jags, cigarette. Vrooom, vrooom… Police coming up, “Hey, lady, you’re speeding.” “Fuck off, I’m the Queen.” Shoom! “Where to now, Phil? “Phil, read the map the right way up for God’s sake.” Prince Philip, he’s a card. Has the habit of saying things like, “You’re all a bunch of bastards. “Was that bad? “I don’t know what was going on.” They tumble out. “Haa!” You expect him to go on one of these ceremonial visits with a big bit of tape on. It was 1986, I think, China – a bunch of British students there, he went up and said, “Don’t stay here too long, you’ll become all slitty-eyed.” Off the map, isn’t it? Even as a joke it’s just so stupid. Like no one was going to mention it. What the fuck? He’s like some ambassador turning up saying, “You’re all fuckers, why don’t you all piss off? “Your problem is you’re all foreigners. “Bye. “Did it go well, do you think? “What phrase in particular?” Back in olden times they had a big royal screw-up, the siege of Troy. There was Helen, who became Helen of Troy but was Helen of Greek lands first, married to King Menelaus and Paris came over from Troy. He was obviously some swarthy… “Hi, my name is Paris. “Queen Helen, let us kiss with tongues.” And Helen went, “Oh, I fancy him.” And voom! Next day, apparently, she shot off with him. And the whole siege of Troy began, which is the myth we had, but it’s true. They found Troy. A German archaeologist dug it up with very precise tools and… “15.7 metres down, I found it, very precise, it’s here.” In a very German way. And we have archaeology on TV. I quite like it, it’s a sort of detective thing but it’s really tricky, you know, it’s there. But it’s kind of slow on telly. It has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live TV “and we’ve dug up a millimetre of topsoil so far. “There’s men with brushes and beards. “Maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure. “We’ve found this and carbon dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited.” It’s too slow. Our attention spans are short. “We need stuff! Quick, change the channel.” We want, not slow archaeology, we want speed archaeology. We want big fuckers with diggers. “You’ve got 15 minutes to find a city.” “All right! Let’s go!” D Bam-ba-bam-ba-ba-ba-bam-bam! D “Get the diggers in!” Brrr! Brrr! “What the fuck? Get that skull out of the way. “Pottery everywhere! “What have we got?” And they always find in archaeology, a series of small walls. Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. “We found a series of small walls, we’re very excited. “We think this proves that they had walls in olden days. “They were very small. A series of small-walled people.” And then someone, very learned with glasses, says, “The King and Queen entertained here. “1,500 courtiers and 20,000 soldiers in this room. “And elephants dancing hopscotch over there. “Mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo. Viaducts and aqueducts…” And you watch going, “You’re making this up, mate.” You just point at a series of small walls and say, “Tutankhamen played banjo in there.” Don’t know if it’s true. Anyway, siege of Troy – Helen eloped with Paris, the Greeks got fucked off and went to Troy in big ships and the siege began. The great warriors were there – Agamemnon, famous warrior, Ajax, famous toilet cleaner, and Achilles, immortal man, immortal body except he had an Achilles heel. What an irony. “You mean I’m called Achilles, Mum, and I have an Achilles heel as well? “I’ll be a laughing stock. “Oh, bloody hell.” Achilles must have gone into battle like this. “Get off! Get off the heel, get off! You buggers.” The Trojans with crabs and lobsters… “Get them on his heel.” “No, not the crabs and lobsters! Aah! Aah! “Come on, you buggers, I’ve got my foot…” If I was Achilles, I’d put my foot in a fuck-off block of concrete. For starters. Then ptoo, ptoo, ptoo – arrows shooting off everywhere. “Ha-ha-ha-ha! “Block of concrete. No problem at all. “See these swords here? Thbpth! “No problem.” Wa-oo, wa-oo, wa-oo! “Ha-ha-ha-ha.” The slight downside – he’d have a maximum radius after that. “Could you come over here, please? “Could you come over here? “Could you come over here, please? I’ve got something to show you. “I can’t show you unless you come over here. Damn.” He’d have to put wheels on the block of concrete. (Squeaks) But we know trolleys. They don’t quite work like this. It’d be… (Squeaks) “Thanks for waiting.” Much better would be to have a hovercraft bottom bit on. (High-pitched hum) (Descending hum) Thbpth! (Ascending hum) And after a hard day’s battle he could get home and change from blow to suck. (High-pitched hum) “Mum, the plug needs moving.” Booo. It’s the noise that’s the best fun in hoovering. Booo. Oooh. Booo! Oooh! Booo! Oooh! Until it breaks. “I’ve bust it, Mum.” Good strong Hoovers are good. (Low hum) Sometimes you’re hoovering away and it makes that funny noise. Jig-a-jig-a-jig-a-jig-a. And you carry on hoovering, thinking, “Was that a bit of grit? “Was that a piece of money? “Or was that the Treasure of the Sierra Madre? “Must know, must find out, what’s in it? “Ah, it’s a bit of grit. Damn.” But the power Hoovers are much better than those old Pushmi-pullyu no-power… Hod-de-de-de-de. With little turny brushes. And the dust would say, “What exactly are you trying to do?” (Comic accent) “We’re trying to whisk you. “Whisk you into the hod-de-de-de.” “But we’re coming straight back down again.” “I don’t know about that, you know? I’m just a hod-de-de-de.” “Where exactly are you from?” “I don’t know, man, I got this crazy accent. “I’ve no idea.” So, anyway, Achilles was there. Remember? He had this Achilles heel and that’s because all his important stuff was in there. His brain, liver, lungs and spleen. Everything. The rest of his body was empty except for potpourri. Which is a genius invention. Someone said, “I will take stuff that fell from trees, put underarm deodorant on it “and sell it to posh people.” Who buy it! “50 quid a jar? Thank you very much. (Posh English accent) “Thank you, this is wonderful. Big ribbon. Thank you.” You couldn’t sell it to ordinary people. “Sack of potpourri, five pence a sack.” “That’s stuff that fell off trees.” “Only five pence.” Anyway, Achilles was full of it. And he died and the siege continued and after ten years of siege, the Greeks got pissed off and thought, “We’ll play one big last trick on them.” And they built a huge wooden horse, 100 metres high, wooden, hollow horse, put some soldiers inside, left it there. They built this big horse and said, “We’re going now, bye! “You’ve won, well done. Bye. “We’re in our ships. Bye. We’ve left you a big horse. “As per usual. Bye. “As you normally do in these situations we’ve left an ordinary ceremonial horse. “Bye. Thought you’d like it.” It doesn’t make any sense that the Trojans believed that. After ten years you’d be pissed off, you’d leave some dog poo behind. “That’s what we think of you, you bastards.” Helen’s still in there. “We built you a big horse, we thought you’d like it.” The Greeks sailed away to make it look convincing, over the horizon, where it dips down. If you’ve ever been there. They just hid behind the horizon. So they could get a good look, they stapled fish onto their helmets. Then they turned the fish round. For accuracy. The horizon is where the water tumbles over into a huge waterfall. Underneath the waterfall is a cave and in the cave is Daniel Day-Lewis, Elisabeth Shue and a load of Mohicans and Daniel Day-Lewis is saying, “Just stay alive and I will find you, “no matter what occurs.” Then he jumps into the shower. Lost everyone. No one understands. Yeah, forget that. So they left the big horse and the Trojans came out – “Ooh, big horse, just what we’ve always wanted. “Hey, Helen, get a look at this. Big horse.” They should have checked to see whether it was hollow. Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. (Deeper) Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. “Hey.” Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. “This one’s hollow, get it open.” They’d open it up and inside there’d be a load of Greeks. “Hello. “Oh, have they gone? I didn’t set the alarm this morning. Aw. “We were just cleaning up.” Hod-de-de-de-de. (High-pitched hum) Hod-de-de-de-de. “Yes, hello. Er, yes, we’re Greek. “This is Agamemnon, I’m Ajax, and this is Prince Philip of England. “Don’t say a bloody word! Do not say anything.” So, the New Testament. Erm. The New Testament, yes. That was a short beard testament, I think. And it began slap-bang on nought AD, right in the kisser. Which made the people who made calendars very happy because they were going out of their minds. “So we go five, four, three, two, one, nought and then what? “Where do we go after that? Year A, year B, what? “Call it year peh? Year flumdoo? “Year crumbadu? Do we just make it up? What do we do? “And AD – who is D?” “I can tell you that, that’s Domino – makes pizzas. Erm. “I don’t know quite what’s going on.” “We never knew who C was. BC – who’s C?” Anyway, they found out, and Mary and Joseph and baby Jee. And all the calendar people came and said, “Oh, Mary, Joseph, thank you. Good timing. “Six days early, actually, so, er. “But it’s Christmas so… Spirit of goodwill.” Baby Jee was there and the three wise men came from the Old Testament with big fuck-off beards. “Baby Jee, we have followed the star, “which was a lamppost for a while and we went in circles but now we are here. “We got a bit pissed somewhere near Birmingham “and now we are here with presents! “Baby Jee, we bring you gold! Ah. “We bring you frankincense. Ah. “And we bring you myrrh. Er… “Yes, I think if you rub it on the back of a duck, it goes quite fast. “That’s what… Or maybe it’s a small banjo? “If you can spell it you can have it, how about that?” Baby Jee was very happy. “Thank you for my Christmas presents. “And for my birthday presents?” “What? Christmas and birthday, isn’t it? “You were born and it’s Christmas. Two presents. Ah, you’re the first… “Are there any shops open?” Mary and Joseph – “Er, late-night petrol station, try that.” “Brilliant, good idea. We’ll be right back. “Get out, get out of it. Get the beard out the way.” 20 minutes later they came back. “Sorry, we’re here. “Baby Jee, we bring you 20 cigarettes. “A Diet Coke. “And a sack of charcoal!” (Applause) “Sack of charcoal?” “They always have them at petrol stations. “Yes, very funny gag in England and France. “Not in America – it goes down like a lead balloon.” “Don’t they have charcoal at…?” “No, they don’t.” “Did you cut it out of the show?” “No, couldn’t be buggered. “Couldn’t be buggered.” (Applause) “Just had a conversation with you about how it works in Europe but not in America.” “Oh, I see.” So, yes, Baby Jee’s very happy. “Thank you for all my presents. “But stick around cos we’re doing a Nativity play, “seeing as it’s Christmas. “Mum, the three wise men, why don’t they play the roles of the shepherds?” Cos the shepherds were missing, the sheep were running amok. They were late because they were trying to get the sheep to where Baby Jee was and there was a roadblock cos there were sheep in the road and they were trying to get them through and it was… No one ever gets that bit. You know how sheep block roads and normally a car… But if you’re trying to get sheep through… Good comedy situation, I thought. But it needs this big, vast explanation. “What’s he talking about?” So they played the three shepherds, the three wise men were played by a duck and a donkey. And Noah, who turned up, he was lead wise man. He said… (As Sean Connery) “I’ve got the speedboat out on the sea of Galilee. “If anyone wants to come for a spin, it’d be great. “If you’ve got big beards, sit on the side, they blow in the wind. “Fucking fantastic.” And Mary had no role because she was knackered. Joseph played himself and the innkeeper, which was funny. “I’d like a room.” “No rooms.” “Well… Baby Jee…” “Baby who?” “The whole calendar thing.” “My calendar’s getting a bit tired at the moment.” Where’s that bit going? So, yes, Baby Jee was there, then he grew up, grew older and died. And, er… The shortest version of that story, isn’t it? But he had some disciples, disciples, in French. One was St Peter. St Peter was the guy who said, “I don’t know him.” Cock-a-doodle. “Oh, it’s him.” That’s the speed version of that story. He left Galilee after the death of Jesus and he came to Rome, and he said, “Rome is a crazy place, I like it here, it’s brilliant. “I’m staying here – all the kids on Vespas, no helmets, brilliant.” Brrrrr… “What a sexy place. I’m gonna stay here and be a pope.” So he became the first pope. There were lots of popes. They’re guarded by the Swiss Guards, who stand proudly in pyjamas and funny hats. I think it’s a safety device. If people want to attack the pope – “Let’s get the pope, come on! “Men in pyjamas! “Oh, I can’t do this.” The Swiss Guards have Swiss Army Knives! “Ah!” (Swiss accent) “Now we have the scissors! “You have a thread there – I cut it. “Dans la poubelle. “Ah, no, small knife, big knife, small knife, big knife. Ah. “Erm. I can see you! I can see you! “You’re upside down now!” (Sawing noise) “I do not know what this one is. “And with this one I can open a can of beans in a week. “Oh, he’s escaped, he’s escaped! “Quick, tell the cardinals!” All the cardinals having a meeting to decide the new pope. All eating marmalade sandwiches. Marmalade on toast. “Right. You be the pope.” “No, you be the pope.” “No.” “Look out, the toast is burning! Oh, no!” Black smoke going up. Outside, people are watching and saying, “There’s three popes now, what’s going on in there?” And the pope, he decides who becomes a saint. And to be a saint you need three miracles. There must be some really good people with only two miracles. “Just need that last big… Hey! “Fish into baboon… type thing.” They’re there, “Your pope-ness, I have only two miracles. “My last one you disallowed – I turned wine into water.” “Yeah, but it’s not crazy, it didn’t really work for me. “It was my best vin de table, as well. “I was a bit pissed off, I was.” “Well, I have now a bloody miracle with me. This one’s brilliant. “Now, pick a card. “Don’t show me! That’s the point! “Right, now put it back in the pack. Now shuffle. “Don’t know where it is. “Is it the three of diamonds?” “It is the three of diamonds! That’s brilliant! It’s a bloody miracle! “OK, I’ll make you a saint. Well done, mate. “Saint Jeff. “And here’s your Vespa. Brrrr… “Patron saint of dangerous driving.” We don’t have miracles, we have dreams. Those are our own personal miracles. We all dream, we have dreams. I don’t know, some weird characters in our brain take over. “You’re covered in jam. Urr.” They’re always bonkers. And we dream in colour. Some people have black and white dreams, they’re kind of cheapo dreams. You need to bang the set before you go to bed. And they’re so vivid to us – you’re there and your grandmother’s attacking you with a spoon, the pope’s playing a banjo and you’re totally au fait with it. And you often wake up going, “Shescaska…” Those weird, “Footska, I’ve got…” I’ve been lying down… I’ve tripped over while asleep. “I’m asleep… l’m up…” And people interpret them, bonkers dreams. “A man comes up to me covered in jam and he sings,” d “Oh, I am a man-hippo” d “And he brings me spoons and his buttocks explode and his brother “drives a small snail towards me very slowly. “What does it mean?” The interpretation’s always ordinary. “You didn’t get on with your father when you were a child.” “Why doesn’t it say that in my dream? “What’s all the bloody snail thing and…?” You never have a straight dream. You never just walk along the road, go into a shop and buy a Mars bar. Cos that would probably mean, “You’re from Mars and your ears are made of jam “and your brother in Kent’s buttocks explode to the size of a balloon!” “That’s very true.” We have flying dreams, they’re the best. You fly around – never hit a light bulb, do you? Birds don’t have flying dreams – they’d be boring for birds. Birds must have car-driving dreams! Vrooom! D Da-da-da-na-na-na! D “You’re speeding, Mr Feathers!” “Fuck off, I’m a bird!” Yeah. And the greatest myth-legend-type story that we have in England is Robin Hood. Not really a miracle but a myth. It’s a myth and a legend – Robin Hood! It’s our most famous English myth, and it’s been stolen by Hollywood. So much so that Robin Hood has an American accent. “Hi! I’m Robin Hood! “Where is the Maid Mar-ayan “and the Sheriff of Notting-ham? “I’m a Notting-ham man, born and bred. “I live in Sher-wood Fo-rest. “I am from round here.” We wouldn’t believe an English Robin Hood. “Hello, I’m Robin Hood.” You’d go, “No. “Haven’t got the Nottingham twang.” The reason why Hollywood films killed us in Britain was they had so much sex, they’ve got sex, sex, sex. “Hi, I’m Robin Hood! Where is the Maid Mar-ayan? “Maid Mar-ayan, come here and let us kiss with tongues! “Let us go and shag in my tree house.” Sort of an English Robin Hood – “Marian? Cup of tea? “My tree house has been prepared.” Up the stairs. Staircase. “Yes, linen tablecloth. Do you like it? “Darjeeling or what? “Now, these are my etchings.” Back in the ’40s and ’50s they took sex out. The Noel Coward, sort of, In Which We Serve type films were… (Posh accent) “Darling, I’m off to the war.” “Don’t go, darling. Don’t go to the war.” “I must go to the war, darling. They won’t start without me.” “Don’t go, darling, it’s dangerous. Rat-a-tat, boom and all those noises.” “I must go, darling, it’s my duty as a cockney man.” All the accents were really fucked, weren’t they? “We as East Enders, we as people from the East End of London, “the working class of London, “we must go with our strange accents, go to the war, I must do it.” If that’s the East End then what’s a posh person’s accent? (Mumbles) “…said a posh person to me today. He also said…” (Mumbles) “And I believe him. “Little Johnny, Susie, I’m off to the war.” “Don’t go, Daddy. Don’t go.” “I must go.” “Bring us back something, Daddy.” “I’ll bring you back a Nazi with real hair.” Dick Van Dyke, he went for a cockney accent. I think he went to Australia to learn it. “G’day, Mary Poppins! How you doin’? “I’m a chimney sweep, absolutely. “Talkin’ to Charlene today, she’s a chimney sweep too. (d Pastiche of Chim-chimeree) D “I’m a chimney sweep, cor, love a duck, gorblimey. D “Put another tube of lager on the barbie.” d That is an Australian accent – check it out! And also Robin Hood is a myth. It’s a myth, it is not true. It’s based on bits of fact. His name probably wasn’t Robin Hood, just… Bin. A nutter who lived in a tree. “Hello, I’m Bin! “Ro… I’m Ro-Bin. “Give us cash! Give us cash. “I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I’m trying to be a myth. Give us cash.” “No, I’m not giving you cash.” “Go on. Are you rich?” “No, I’m comfortable.” “I can’t steal from people who are comfortable “and give to the moderately impoverished. “That’s not gonna swing, is it?” “It’s not my fault. I’m just here on my pogo stick.” “Come back here – do you wanna fight? Da-da-da!” Thbpth! “What? Sorry, I just threw a sword at you.” Thbpth. That’s a sword noise. I meant to go p-twang! But I just went thbpth. “You firing swords at me?” “Sorry.” I had a fight. I had my own personal fight last year, last November, in Cambridge! Did three good gigs in Cambridge and then had a fight. Like you do. And… It was a bit weird, he was… People shout at me. People do – as a bloke who wears make-up whenever I want, as is my inalienable right as a citizen… Some people say, “Good on you, mate.” And some say, “What the fuck is this?” To my face. To which I reply, “You say that now, “but how are you at canasta?” Actually, I didn’t say anything, but… People do shout, and I used to just go, “Well, I suppose you’re right, I must be a bastard.” But now I get angry. I get furious and stick up for myself. But it’s stupid, cos I don’t know how to fight. So this guy was going, “Ooh, Tracey.” And I was going, “My name is not Tracey, right?” And I go into Michael Caine impressions, which is weird. “You are a stupid bastard. What are you? “Do not bloody say that to me!” “You’re a big lad but you’ve got no brains so shut your fucking face.” So he went for it, and I was blocking and blocking, which is, you know, that, block, block. I was doing quite well, but he had four friends and they beat the crap out of me. But in a fun way. And then I took ’em to court and it was all fun. And I won a hundred quid. It was like, it was like a very low pools win or something. “It must be Wins-day”. So… So, yeah, I got that, and it’s great because the people who beat me up… If you’re in a fight you’ve got to… “Can I get your name and address?” Or at least what they look like – “Just… Quick Polaroids, lads!” I didn’t know their faces so I couldn’t say, “And they did it, too.” Then they turn up as witnesses for the defence. “Oh, it’s you guys! Right.” And their line of defence was that I started it. That was it. Like a bloke puts on make-up and goes out looking for a fight. Come on! Come on! What’s happening in Cambridge? Where’s all the fighters? Come on! Fucking there, I’ll put more on, there we go. It’s the standard thing that blokes do. Erm, so, anyway, that all happened. Now I’ve got to decide, which way do I go? Cos they could have had knives, guns, bazookas. If they’ve got a bazooka don’t run away – it’s easier to hit someone from a distance. Run towards them and grab hold of them. (Applause) “Back off! “We’re both going together!” Thbpth! That’s just handy in case someone pulls out a bazooka. So, yeah, and either I shut up or I learn a martial art. I like the idea of learning a martial art. It’s an Eastern thing, balanced movement of the body, you use the other person’s weight and momentum. In the West we have no martial arts at all. We don’t have anyone… We just go wahey, boom, oi, boof. Boom! Wahey! It’s all martial and no art. And, er, and there was that series on telly, Kung Fu. David Carradine or Keith Carradine, and he was always, “Grasshopper, you must not fight. “That is losing, to have the fight.” And we were watching going, “No, go on, have a fight!” All through a half-hour episode, “No, I will not fight you. “I do not want to do that.” Why is he French? (Comic French accent) “I will not fight you. I am French Buddhist.” But at the end he would always go, “Oh, fucking hell!” And we’d go, “Yeah!” And have another cup of coffee. And switch on The Six Million Dollar Man. But there are so many martial arts. T’ai chi – a little too slow, I think. It’s got that Steve Austin problem. Jujitsu I learnt from a book I got when I was about 14, and it had… Learning a martial art from a book is weird cos you’ve got all the pictures. Fights never quite go like the pictures. One great bit said, in a fight you grab their hand, open these fingers here, put a pencil in there and squeeze really hard. And it really hurts! How you fit that into a fight, I do not know. “You wanna make something of it? Come on! Hang on a sec. “Have you got a pen?” “Ah! “Leave the tranny alone, he knows what he’s doing! Get out of it!” And there’s judo or kendo. Judo I learnt when I was six, I was at a school where it was compulsory, in Wales. A kind of bizarre headmaster. (Welsh accent) “I think judo. I am bringing in judo this year as compulsory. “Everyone from six upward must learn, “so we can have a lot of fights with people in white pyjamas.” Or kendo, kendo’s the one. If you want to learn one, it’s great, you’ve got padding up your legs, a big body suit of armour and a head mask and a bat. You’re way ahead! “I will fight you but first I must go to my car… d “La, la, la… d “Oh, happy day… d “Right, now, you were saying?” I’m a fan of machines as well. I like machines. As a kid, you know when you have that spark of invention? I invented a helicopter that goes underwater. Bit of a deathtrap but, erm… But the spark was there, you know? And the Grim Reaper should update, he has the scythe of death. The scythe was a modern piece of equipment after the Iron Age. People saying, “You’ve got a scythe? “What the hell is that? We’ve just got wooden scissors. “Get Mr Digital over here.” Ding. The Grim Reaper should update, it’s 1997, throw away the scythe and get a lawn mower! One of the big petrol-driven ones. Vroom-na-na-na-na-na! Brrr, brrr… He’d look great walking along… Brrrm, brrrm… “All the dead people, get in the bin where the grass goes.” Then he could do those turns like your dad did on the lawn mower. (Engine becomes high-pitched) They scared the shit out of me. Because they were eating grass… No grass! They’d go spare when you took them off the ground. We had one when I lived in Northern Ireland and my dad would start it, it always took three goes to start it. He wanted to get a crowd. He was there, one-na-na-na-na… No. One-na-na-na-na… Don’t think so. One-na-na-na-ner-ner. There’s all these bits to adjust. I realised there was a choke there, starter there. Accelerator, brake, radio, glove compartment. The glove compartment is a lie in cars. You never have gloves in a glove compartment. You never open it and go, “50, 60 pairs of gloves! “Everywhere! I’m drowning in gloves! “Glove death.” Inside the glove compartment is usually a bit of an apple, a cassette with no holder and a map of Belgium or something. We had the big lawn mower. It was much better than my grandad’s. It was a Pushmi-pullyu, related to the cleaning equipment. My grandad had that little triangle of lawn. Hod-de-de-de-de. Hod-de-de-de-de. Hod-de-de-de-de. The grass would go, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Hod-de-de-de-de. Hod-de-de-de-de. “Stay down, lads. Stay down. “It’s just an air raid. No problem.” Hod-de-de-de-de. He’d flatten the lawn out. Put it away. They’d go “f-thum” as he was walking away. My gran would be in the kitchen adjusting a cake on her head. “The lawn’s even bigger, Grandad.” When your gran called your grandad, “Grandad”, you were going, “He’s your grandad, too? “Are you my sister? “And you’re my father’s mother? What the fuck went on in this family?” Yeah. Toasters. Toasters are good. I like them. I like toast. You’ve got a toaster and it’s got a turny-dial knob thing on the side. And it lies to us. It does not tell the truth. For it has numbers from one to six and they lie. You set on four, you put bread in, and it comes up three. “This is three toast. No good at all. Hardly done.” You set and change to five. It comes up six, all burnt. Scrape, scrape. “Oh, fuck it. Forget it.” The toast is in there going, “Stay down, lads. Stay down. “Stay down! Go for the burn! “No pain, no gain! “No fish, no fowl. “No socks, no shoes. “No hair, no haircut.” The other toast’s going, “What are you talking about?” “I don’t know. I just quite liked saying it.” I think it’s one and a half times for each piece of toast. Correct me if I’m wrong. Toast goes in. Comes up. You don’t even look at it, you whack it straight down. Then you wander round with one eye on the toaster. The whole automated idea is lost as you have to… The toast’s going, “Wait till he looks at the Cup-A-Soup.” You’re going, “Cup-A-Soup, Pot Noodle, Cup-A-Soup, Pot Noodle. Oh, it’s burning! “Oh, no. In the bin.” And it gets stuck in there. You know you’re not supposed to put a knife in. But you’re an adult now. It’s your toaster. You want to live on the edge, so get knives in toaster. And forks. All cutlery in the toaster. And use a whisk as well. Get it in. Take it and do it in the bath. In the bath. Do it. Turn the water on. Plug. Eat a jam sandwich at the same time. Light matches. Burn the house down. The same people who make toasters make showers. For they have a turny button too, that lies. For we know turn, turn, turn for hot. Turn, turn, turn for cold. But the only position we’re interested in is the position between there and there. One nano-millimetre between fantastically hot and fucking freezing. Everyone who gets into a shower immediately becomes like a safe-breaker. You have two positions in the shower. One position is this. And the other position is this. “Ah! “Jee… “What the hell? “Ah! “Stop using taps! “Everyone in West London, stop using taps!” And there’s someone in the same bathroom as you, going… d “La, la, la…” d You’re going, “Hey, stop using taps!” “I am not using taps. I’m letting a mouse run over my hands. “We need a generator in the ark. The mouse will run around. “Noah’s downstairs with the ark.” Noah’s shouting, “The ark’s double-parked in a puddle. Get a move on.” It’s true. It’s in the Bible. But planes are the big machine. The great big flying machine. I first flew when I was four months old. I had a real problem with throwing up, so that must have been a fun trip. Throwing up is controlled by three little bones in the inner ear. (d Mikado pastiche) “Three little bones from school are we…” They’re called Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. And they control hearing and vomiting. Don’t know why they go together. God went… (As James Mason) “Inner ear, you shall have hearing and vomiting as well. “Yes, that’ll be fun.” “No, vomiting’s for stomachs. Stomach’s control.” “No, for you. I think it’d be fun.” “Then you can make someone vomit and hear them vomiting, too.” Which is why, if someone does go… (Retches) You hear it and go… (Retches) And normally, the inner ear sends signals to the brain. You’re walking and the inner ear’s going, “He’s walking along a road. “Going up a slight incline, turning to the left, going down some stairs, “down some stairs with a weird arm movement.” I’d walk the same route and my inner ear would go, “He’s in a tumble dryer! He’s on a humpback bridge! Tumble dryer! “Looping the loop in an aeroplane. “He’s now in a barrel and is rolling down a hill.” But now it’s cool. Much better. I had to do a flight last year on a tour, which was from Cork to Belfast. There were only six passengers. They said, “We won’t put you on the 747 because that would be laughable. “So we’ve got a Volkswagen Beetle with wings.” We had our bags. You just walked with them. Obviously I didn’t walk like this. That was comedy. I walked like this. That’s a better mime position. Otherwise you just think I’m walking, but that’s with bags, you see. In case you ever need it, you know. In Nigeria and… They’re very big in mime. Anyway. So I was walking along with the bags. It’s a very small airport. You go through a door and someone goes, “Beep. There’s a problem there.” And walking across the runway. Have you ever walked with your bags across a runway? You feel like the Beatles. The squirrels are going, “aah”. The pilot was right by the plane. It was like going on holiday with your dad. “Come on, come on! “You don’t need that, right?” “It’s my bag! Bloody hell.” “Get in. We’re going to miss the clouds! Come on!” So he was taxiing over to the runway. “Come on. Get your heads down. I can’t see.” He was right there. I could touch him on the shoulder. Just like in the car. But even though he could turn around and talk to us he was still doing, “This is your pilot speaking. “Welcome to flight one from here to there. “We’re gonna be flying at a height of ten feet, “going up to a height of twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. “Your copilot today is a Thermos of coffee.” I thought there was a rule that you had to have two pilots in case one goes, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” And the other one goes, “I’ll take over!” (d Sings Ride Of The Valkyries) “I’ve got one of my own! “One over here.” People in the back. “I’ve got one!” A Thermos of coffee was going to fly us home. He’s there doing the stuff and we’re flying. They have a word in the airways industry. They have a thing called bird strike. It’s when a flock of birds is flying along. “What a wonderful day.” Thbpth! They go straight through a jet engine. It’s called bird strike. It’s a misnomer. The birds aren’t striking. It’s an engine suck. It’s an engine making bird soup melange. These birds aren’t going, “Who’s for bird strike? “Johnny Human’s big metal buggers piss me off! “I vote we go for bird strike! “Alfie, Ginger, Stevie, Feathers, Stephens, “Big Beak O’Reilly, Jimmy the Penguin, are you with me? “No, you’re a penguin, so you stay here. “Come on! Let’s do bird strike!” (d Sings Ride Of The Valkyries) “Faster, faster! “747!” Mmm… Thbpth! Just before they go through, do they go, “Look, there’s Rod Stewart”? We don’t know. But they do the safety announcement. My guy in my plane was going, “The safety instructions. “The safety exits are here, next to me. “If you see me go through this door, please follow me quickly.” If you’ve been in a big aeroplane, no one’s listening to the security announcements. Everyone’s going, “Yeah, yeah. There, there. “Lights flash. Put the thing on. Pull the thing “and death.” It’s a kind of, “Yeah, all right.” So the pilots have been told to kick up the importance of these speeches. They go, “Please do listen to the safety announcements “because we’ve changed things around. “You don’t know. We’re putting the life jacket on back to front. “Some of the safety exits are false. They’re not true. “And I’ve got a bad feeling about this flight. I don’t think we’re going to make it.” After that everyone’s going, “Show me everything! “Private showing. I’m putting it on now. Fuck it. “Yes, I’ll have coffee, thanks.” They have these life jackets and you pull it and… Thbpth! You’ve got a pipe here for top-up. I don’t want top-up. I want stays-up. Top-up implies hole in. Implies having to… I want fucking stays-up, no hole in the first place, thank you. Bloody top-up! It’s all a bit tea and crumpets with the vicar. Top-up. Crashed in the Atlantic, bobbing around. “Oh, you survived as well. Well done. Care for a top-up? “Couldn’t top me up, could you?” “I didn’t need it. I’m just trying to break the ice. “Hey, float over here. “Look. Two pipes. Panpipes.” It’s 2,000 miles to Europe, 1,000 miles to America. You’ve got your whistle. (Hoots) (Hoots) A little light going beep, beep. After a while a pilot fish comes up. “Hey, that’s my gag! “Weird people.” And there’s Noah, shooting around in his speedboat. “If anyone’s got big ears you can get in and sit on the side. “Photos for the Bible.” So I was in my small aeroplane and the guy is there and we have refreshments when we get above the clouds. Coffee comes back from the Thermos. “Cheers. Ta, mate.” He had this wicker basket with biscuits in. Digestives. Not terribly interesting. I take the best ones and it goes to the guy at the back. “These are crap.” When you’re not hungry but you get offered a biscuit, you want better than that. “I didn’t want anything but what have you got? Aw.” So I’m nibbling my biscuits and drinking my coffee. And the pilot reaches under his jacket and pulls out chocolate biscuits! I realised he’d hidden them there, taken them out of the wicker basket and hidden them. I knew that because that’s what I would have done. You know when you offer your friends biscuits? You’re in the kitchen. “I’ll just have one. Well, I’ll have a couple.” “Ha-ha-ho.” Someone says, “Do you want a hand?” (Muffled) “Oh, no. “Just letting this mouse run over my hands here.” So the pilot’s eating chocolate biscuits. I’m going, “Hey, chocolate biscuits! Hey, digestive, crap biscuits!” He’s going, “Get off! I’m the bloody pilot. “Stress. Chocolate biscuits. What the hell?” I’m going, “No, customer’s always right. Digestive crap biscuits.” “Fuck off! Five years’ training for this. Hard time. “Chocolate biscuits. Perks of the trade.” “I don’t agree.” “Fucking…” (imitates engine in descent) “Hold on!” Brraaah! “What were you saying?” “No, fine, have the chocolate biscuits!” Mmm… naaah. “Chocolate biscuits.” 20 minutes later, he pulls out Jammy Dodgers! “Jammy Dodgers!” Brraaah! Thbpth! And we hit a mountain. And I died. So that was the end of that plane flight. And that is also the end of the show. Thank you very much for being here. Good night. (Cheering, whistling, applause) D La, la, la d OK. The book of Revelations, right? That’s where it all ends. The book of Revelations has got Armageddon. That’s Australian for “Armageddon outta here, it’s the end of the world!”. That’s where it derived from. It’s the end of the world. People look at the book of Revelations and say, “The end will come from the world of politics “or the world of economics or technology.” I have a love-hate relationship with technology. I love it but I can hate it. There are two groups – people with techno-fear, who are there going, “I’ve wiped the file? “I’ve wiped all the files?” “I’ve wiped the Internet?” “I don’t even have a modem!” I don’t have techno-fear. I have techno-joy! I love technology. I love to get new machines. I always think, “This is the one. I won’t have to work again. I’ve got this thing.” You get the instructions, you unwrap it and throw the instructions out the window. Forget them. Fuck them. On. “I must know how this works. I’ve used machines before. “Come on! Come on! “Come on! This bit comes off, I think.” (Clunk) “Oh.” Then you smash it with a hammer. I get really fucked off with machines. Everyone on films is so swish on computers. B-der, b-der, b-der, dee, dee, dee. So expert on their computers. “Breaking into the Pentagon computer. “Double-click on ‘Yes’. “Oh. Password protected. 20 billion possible chances. “Er, “Jeff.” “Hey! “How did you know it would be Jeff?” “I knew there’d be a back door.” In films, the guy who made the software has always left a back door so he could get back in when he wanted and look at all the missiles and go, “Ooh”. And put one on his head. “And the guy who made the software was called Jeff Jeffety Jeff, “born on the first of Jeff, 19-Jeffety-Jeff. “So I put in Jeff and hey.” I’ve never seen one character in a film on a computer, in a realistic way going… “Oh, no, no! “Put the printer there. The computer. Right. “Instructions. Hold on. Book of Revelations. “Right. Control and P. Print! “Control, P, print. “Control, P, print. “‘Cannot access printer’? “It’s here! “I can access printer. “Why the fuck can’t you? I’ve plugged you in. “Fucking control, P, print. Control, P, print. “Control, P, print. Control, P, print.” The computer’s going, “What are you trying to do?” “I’m trying to print! Control, P, print!” “But there’s something you haven’t done.” “What? Tell me what it is. I’ll do it.” “No, I can’t tell you.” “Fucking tell me! It’s five in the morning! It’s only a paragraph! “I’m just trying to print the fucker! I used the fax/modem and that fucked it up. “I can’t access it. It’s not being used by something else. “I’m using the printer port. Control, P, print. Control, P, print. “Print, control, P. Print, control, P. (Mutters) “‘A problem of type 2094 has occurred.’ “What the fuck is that? “What are the 2,093 other problems I’ve just missed to get to that one? “Control, P, print. Control, P, print. Control… “Oh, don’t do that. “Don’t… Don’t you crash on me, you bastard!” “God. I’m so tired. You have no…” “I don’t know what…” “You do! “Right. I’ll get that going. Escape. Control, P. Alt. “Escape. Control, P. Alt. Fucking…! “I’m phoning Amsterdam, you bastards. “Hello, Amsterdam? You speak very good English. Well done. “Bordered by four countries? Yes, I know. Problems in land wars. “Now, I’ve got a Macintosh computer plugged into a Canon printer and… “Yes, I’ve been into the printer file and chosen Canon printer. “Yes, I’ve chosen the printer port, which is the same as the fax/modem port, “which confuses the fuck out of me. “Yes, I’ve chosen A4 paper instead of toilet paper. “I’ve chosen the picture of the dog standing up, not the one lying down “as if a taxidermist’s had a go at it. “What the fuck…? It’s five in the morning. There’s something wrong with… “There’s an on switch on the printer? Is there?” And there’s always one fucking thing you haven’t done. If the world ends through technology it’ll happen through that. Some American general in the Pentagon going, “Will you bloody work?” Smashing the thing up with a huge… Thbpth! And the whole world goes. Which will be interesting. But if it does go, I think I’ll carry on gigging, cos I quite like it. Thank you very much. Good night. (d Suede: Filmstar) D Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car, it looks so easy d Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car tonight d Filmstar, giving it class d Living it fast, it looks so easy d Filmstar, giving it class d Living it fast tonight d What to believe in? It’s impossible to say d What to believe in when they change your name d Wash your brain, play the game again d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar, an elegant sir d A Terylene shirt, it looks so easy d Filmstar, an elegant sir d In a Terylene shirt tonight d Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car, it looks so easy d Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car tonight d What to believe in? It’s impossible to say d What to believe in when they change your name d Wash your brain, play the game again d Yeah, yeah, yeah d What to believe in? It’s impossible to say d What to believe in when they change your name d Wash your brain, play the game again, again, again d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar d Filmstar d Filmstar d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar d Filmstar d Filmstar d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar d Filmstar d Filmstar d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar d Filmstar d Filmstar d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar d Filmstar d Thanks so much for taking the time to do this. | (Siren) Well, Times Square. I just had to do a show right here and it’s brilliant to do it in Times Square because there’s always a bunch of people who can hang around and watch me talk complete rubbish. (d Suede: Filmstar) D Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car, it looks so easy d Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car tonight d I’ve lost my comedy! (Phone) Hello? You’ve gotta be on the edge. There’s no one at the fire station. Some people are not on the edge, they’re right on the lid. (Deep male voice) ‘As you’ve never seen him.’ You will be the movie, you will be the star. You don’t love me any more! ‘International comedian.’ …avec la couronne. I love your work. It’s very good, isn’t it? Don’t worry, I’ll come. ‘Edward J Izzard… ‘ Do you think it’s easy to wear lipstick? (Siren) ‘… enters the American dream.’ I want to be bigger than McDonald’s. The first image we wanna get across is girls. Why don’t we go to bed? A lot of sex. We need a stand-in. Still goes like a rocket. I’m willing to prostitute myself. Not in a tacky way, in a good way. Fighting. Oi, Tracey. My name is not Tracey. I wanna live till I die, no more, no less. (Barking) (Man) ‘You can’t fight off the speed of the life he lives.’ Leave me a-fucking-lone! Moody. Moody. Pressure. I don’t give a shit about those girls in Paris. We need a section on your background. I was born in Yemen. So I’ve got to say I was born in France? The horror! I want money, fame and integrity too. All right, I was born in there. Danger could be my middle name. But it’s John. (Cheering, whistling) Hammersmith Apollo! Was Hammersmith Odeon, now Hammersmith Apollo! Labatt’s Apollo? Er, no. Erm. Large drink, I think, erm. Hamburger Albert Hall McDonald’s Burger Thing. New future of eating things. Strange, yeah? And Apollo, the god of the sun. Odeon, god of popcorn and, er, Coca-Cola and cinemas. I don’t know what’s going on there. So, welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo. Sorry about the cameras tonight, I hope it doesn’t get in the way. If you’re pissed off then I’ll pull them out and throw them in the street. Good, no, everyone’s fine. We’ll still just do the show cool. Occasionally, the lights might come up at the side and you’ll go, “Oh, I can see myself.” We just want to know you’re still there. So there might be a few things but I’ll be extra funny tonight, just for you people, an extra 10% funny. You can’t check, can you? Ah. Unless you came every night with a laughometer. “Well, five. Fuckin’ hell.” So. D Dum-de dum… d Comedy, big fuck-off room d Er, forgotten it now. Oh, yes, the Old Testament, the beginning of the world. The Old Testament. That’s where stuff began, in the Christian version of things. Everyone had beards, big fuck-off beards in the Old Testament. And the deep voices “Oh, I say to you. “And Elijah and the clouds and chariots… The burning bush. “Oh, beard on fire, shit. “Into the Dead Sea. “Ooh, a goatee.” Even the dogs in the Old Testament – big beards. “Woof, woof, I say to you. A biscuit? Thank you.” In English comic books, “woof, woof’. In French comic books, “ouah, ouah”. Aah! So. So, God created the world in seven days. A foolish brag, I feel. If I was God I’d say, “I’m going to create the world over a number of days. “Not sure how long, might be a bit pressed, you know.” Too much pressure, seven days dead. Do it like Microsoft – “It’ll be done by Saturday, Tuesday, next week. “We’ll bring it out when we’re fucking ready, right?” I think God was actually in bed and his mum said, “Get out of bed, God, you’ll miss the best part of the day.” His mum was Mrs Badcrumble. “Get out of bed…” (Audience cheer) She’s just my clarinet teacher, right. “Get up, you’ll miss the best part of the day.” And God, who was James Mason, said, “No, I won’t get out of bed, Mother, “because I haven’t yet created the best part of the day. Ah. “Ah, can’t get me on that one. Box clever, you see.” “Oh, you wee young scallywag. “I’ll box you a bit later.” So. So then God created the world and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam, more jam, perhaps, and, er, and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go “urh” and… and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, “I can’t remember what I’ve invented now. “I’ve just been ad-libbing so far.” And so everything built up through the days. You know how if you’ve got a deadline, everything builds up. On the seventh day God was in a panic, “Oh, what haven’t I…? “Rwanda, better create Rwanda. “Oh, sorry, haven’t quite done that. The Tower of Pisa. “It’s leaning, oh, damn. “Toilets in French camping sites, there we go. “English football hooligans, whatever that is. “Mrs Thatcher’s heart. There we… Oh, fuck that. “I’ll put a stone in, that’ll work. There we go.” (Applause) The next week people are coming back going, “Rwanda doesn’t work very well. “The infrastructure is fucked.” “I’m terribly sorry, I’ll put some more jam here. And… “And a mountain of cabbages and a radiator.” “Thank you, that’s just what we wanted.” This is them dragging Rwanda back to lay it out on the map. No one got that. Never do that piece again. So, stuff happened. Yes, it unfolded. And Cain killed Abel, fatted calf, “doof’, erm. And there came a period a number of centuries later when God said, “No, no, everything is bad. “I will send a flood, kill everything and start again.” It was the Etch A Sketch end of the world, basically. No, no. “Don’t know what that is, don’t recognise that any more.” Remember with Etch A Sketch when you’d done a house and a sun at the top, you’d try to do a dog down here and you had to leave vapour trails all the way along. Oh, bugger it. So God said, “I will sent a flood. 40 days, 40 nights and lots of umbrellas. “But I will save two of everything because it looks good on a seesaw photo.” Two hippos. “Noah, stop what you’re doing and build me an ark.” And Noah, with Sean Connery playing the role, “I’m working on a speedboat at the moment. “It’s much more exciting – “bigger engine and it can shoot across the water like that.” “No, I want an ark with a big room for poo.” “Look, a speedboat, it’ll kick ass. “Lt’ll give great photos to the people in the Bible. “We can get all the animals with long ears to sit along the side. “Look fucking excellent. Excellent photographs.” “No, you’ll build me an ark. You can put a big engine in that if you want.” “OK, I suppose. “It’s a compromise.” So he started to saw up pieces of wood to make the ark. (Sawing noise) It’s not how you start sawing. You start by going… (Faster sawing) It’s impossible to start, isn’t it? (Fast sawing) Then you get into that middle bit. (Slower sawing) Which feels good. Where you feel like your dad. Your dad used to say, “I’m just going out to the garage “to saw a plank of wood in half.” (Slow sawing noise) Ker-dunk. “There we go. “Now, Dr Bronowski on Sunday television. “The Ascent Of Man.” (Snores) Sundays with my dad, that was. No, you want a speed saw, much quicker. N-zuh. Hoh-hah. Those power saws, much better. The sawing has a difficult start, then it goes a bit better and by the end it’s back to, (Fast sawing) And after a while Noah realised he was actually punching a baboon. Ooh-ooh-ooh! “Stop hitting me.” Ooh-ooh-ooh! “Leave me alone, I’m trying to sleep.” “I’m not punching you, this is my mime. “I’m making an ark, get out of my mime. I don’t want you in mime.” “What have you got against baboons in mime?” “Nothing, you can do your own mime, but not in my mime. “Not on my mime. “It’s my motto – ‘No baboons in mime’.” “You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?” “I did before but I don’t now.” So, he built an ark and that was great and then he collected two of every animal from all around the world, including two baboons, one a bit punch-drunk. “He was hitting me, I didn’t know what was going on.” He was going, “What have we got here? Two dogs, OK. “Long ears? Along the side, please. “I’ll explain it to you later. “Two sheep? Well done. On you get, sit along the side there. “Two cats, small ears? Inside the boat. “Two ducks?” The ducks are going, “We’re not coming.” “There’s going to be an enormous fuck-off flood.” “So? “What’s the big problem?” There’s a huge hole in the whole flood drama because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free and it was the idea to kill everything. He didn’t say, “I will kill everything except the floating ones and the swimming ones “who will get out due to a loophole.” In a James Mason voice. “I will kill everything “except the floating ones and the swimming ones… “Loophole. “Sorry, I was offstage in my trailer. Someone else did my lines.” So, yes. Anything that could float – your bad ducks, your bad geese, your bad swans. “Haaa”. Bad ducks going, “Quack, quack, quack, ooh. Blargh.” “Ha ha.” They’re the spitting ducks. Your bad fish. “Boh.” Bad pilot fish with those little lights on the top. Evil pilot fish. Really bad. The ones that go round in twos and swim up to other fish with their lights at the front. And the other fish go, “No, it’s a car coming towards me! Ah!” Whoosh! “Hey! “Bloody pilot fish! You evil pilot fish! “I know your dad.” That’s how a fish walks if he’s English. “Don’t know what just happened there.” Yes. So it’s a big hole in the whole thing. With humans, we understand the idea of good and bad, of evil and very, very good, saintly, I suppose. But with animals – what, in fact, is an evil giraffe? “I will eat all the leaves on this tree. “I will eat more leaves than I should “and then other giraffes may die. “Ah-ha-ha. “I am an evil herbivore.” It’s very difficult to be evil. “I will hide berries where no one has seen them. Ha-ha.” But with dogs, we do have “bad dog”. “Bad dog” exists. “Bad dog! “Bad dog, stole a biscuit, bad dog.” The dog’s saying, “Who are you to judge me? “You human beings have had wars against people of different creeds and colours “and I stole a biscuit? “Is that a crime? “People of the world!” “Well, if you put that way, I suppose you’ve got a point. “Have another biscuit, sorry.” That’s a dog owned by a giraffe. Yes! I’m quite interested in death in a kind of morbid way. Erm. Which goes together. Well, death just happens. Boom and vmph, and that’s just it. There. Erm, confusing beast. Some people have the life force. My gran had it, she just would not check out. She had three strokes and was paralysed down the left-hand side. She was still in there, “I’m sticking here.” The Grim Reaper must have been on her shoulder. “Come, old lady, it is your time. “We go to the Land of the Dead. “Come, we will travel across the River Styx on my boat. “Two, please. “One and one OAP. “What? Are you coming?” My gran’s still at home. “No, I’m not coming. “Got stuff to do. I’ve got to sit around and talk weird for a couple of years.” Which was the unfortunate downside of the stroke thing. I kept visiting her and I was her mother-in-law, her daughter-in-law, her brother’s son, it shuffled around. She was a very energetic woman. You know, at a certain age, you get the gran’s coat that they go round in and the cake on the head type thing. “20 Rothmans, please. Thank you.” That was me gran. The Grim Reaper must have a tough time because women don’t die, they go on. Men just go, 65, boom. “Come on, where’s your stamina? Ah.” D “Bom-bom-bom. I am a gran, I live forever” d The Grim Reaper, “I could not get the women, they would not come. “I got the men, the men are all lined up.” “Yes, thank you, we’re ready for bed. “Can we get pyjamas, please?” “No pyjamas in the Land of the Dead.” “I was told pyjamas in the brochure.” “I don’t think…” “Yes, pyjamas…” “No…” “But…” “No…” “Ooh!” “Ooh!” “Oh, I’ve got your scythe, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on.” “It was a mime problem. “There’s a baboon here, what’s he doing here?” “I don’t know, someone was punching me, I’m just in the line.” God is there in the Land of the Dead, “Grim Reaper, you could not get the women?” Sorry, in my James Mason voice, “You could not get the women? What was the problem? “Didn’t you reap them with your grim reaping equipment?” “I tried that. But the women, they all know hopscotch. “And they leapt over.” They did and it’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch was bizarre for boys because boys never played. As a boy I was behind walls going, “What happens? What do they do? “What do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with mystic numbers – one, five, seven, eight, you know. A bit of a broken doll there. Some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope. In case the clergy came by – “Run, run, it’s the clergy! “Run, it’s the Pope and everyone.” They do that skipping stuff, don’t they? Young girls and huge fuck-off boxers are the two groups of people that have a joining line. “Jam, elephants, peanuts, elephant and dung, jumping up and down… “Change!” (Mumbles) And huge fuck-off boxers are doing the same thing – “One, elephant…” (Mumbles) Boom. I’ve never seen young girls and big fuck-off boxers do it at the same time. (Mumbles in deep voice) (Mumbles in high voice) The impressions here are kind of sketchy. (Mumbles in high voice) “You have a very high voice for a boxer.” (High voice) “Yes, I do.” (Deep voice) “I have a very deep voice for a girl.” Sorry, I was talking about hopscotch. Hopscotch, this strange religious experience. All the numbers and there was one girl on the course, they go girl by girl. D Frére Jacques, Frére Jacques, dormez-vous? D I think that was training for this with the leg stuff. D Sonnez les matines d And at some point she’d go, “Oh, no, I fucked it up. Oh.” And boys watching would go, “What? Did what wrong? “Fucked up what? What did they do right? It makes no sense.” And they’d all drift off and boys would walk over the course – “What happened here? We should do an archaeolo… loshical dig.” “We should do a what?” “An archaeological dig. My tongue got stuck in my back tooth. “Checking for stuff.” Thank you, one person. So, that’s just true. We were kids, we grew up, we end up doing things, the job thing. The careers officer comes to school – I was going to be in the army, ended up doing stand-up comedy. Slightly different. Slightly more make-up the way I went. Army’s only got that night-time look and, er… It doesn’t work for me. This is true, in the army thing, I liked that running, jumping, standing still. “I can see you in a tree, aha,” part of it. So, stand-up comedy – vocation. You can’t just fall into it. There’s others, like taxidermist. You can’t go, “I was working in a chip shop “then I started stuffing animals with sand.” You’ve got to want it. “I wanna be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. “I want to get more sand into an animal “than anyone’s ever bloody got in an animal. “I want to fill a rat with the entire Gobi desert “so it’s really quite tight.” They should put more things in, sand gets boring. “Porridge. I’m doing this one with porridge.” B-dum, b-dum. Staple gun. “Your dog’s finished, I filled him with porridge. Thbpth!” “It’s a bit floppy.” “Yeah, that’s porridge for you. “You’ve got a two-level effect.” “That’s got a nine-level effect.” “I’ve done your cat – he’s with helium.” “It’s a bit high up.” “That’s helium for you. “There’s no height restriction. “Do you want it here?” Woosh. Pah. “In fact, grab hold, I’ve got two controls.” “What? Oh, right, I see. Er.” There’s a cat going whoo, whoo. With that fixed expression. Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist. “I’ve done your dog. He’s got nine eyes down the side, “I’ve made his head all square. 15 legs, what do you think?” “Er, Fido looks a bit weird.” Beekeepers as well. Beekeepers, yes. They’ve got to want to be… “I want to be a beekeeper, I want to keep bees. “I don’t want them to get away, I want to keep them. “They have too much freedom. “I want bees on elastic so when they get pollen they come back here. “My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him. “I want to walk in their footsteps – which were like this – Aaaah! “Aaaah! I’m covered in bees! Aaaah! “Covered in bees!” Cos that’s your job, isn’t it? Beekeepers must lose it occasionally. You’re there, you’ve got the netting, you’ve got 2,000 bees. (Droning) And essentially you’re trying to steal honey. (Droning) “Morning, morning, morning, morning. “Hello. Knock knock. Coming in, hello. “Look, there’s a Ferrari over there, can you see that Ferrari? “Yes, it’s going very fast, isn’t it? “Well, morning. Thank you.” They must be walking back with all these bees around and they must go “What the fuck am I doing? “I’m covered in bees! “Help! “I’m covered in bees!” You don’t get the perks of a normal job. If you work in an office, there are other people there, you can flirt. “Hey, you’re new here. How are you getting on? “Do you want a coffee? I was just getting one, I can get you one. “I like my coffee like I like my women – “in a plastic cup.” Beekeepers can’t do that, with 2,000 bees. (Droning) “Hello there, you in the street. You’re new, aren’t you?” “Urh!” “Er… Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem.” – (Droning) – “No real problem.” “I don’t want a cup of coffee from you, you’re covered in bees.” “I like my women like I like my coffee – “covered in bees. “Now back off, back off, back off. “Aaah.” They’re always just behind you, or in front. If beekeepers go on a general outing, is their van followed by a load of bees? – “Faster, faster.” – (Droning) “Faster! Put your foot down.” Yes. And they have a queen bee and we have a queen bee in this country. The monarchy system, gradually, over a period of time, has fallen apart but in Britain it’s stayed together while falling apart at the same time. And I think people become their faces, as they get older, people look how they are and the Queen is too severe. She’s… Hmm. The glasses get bigger and bigger. She’s becoming an owl. Her glasses will be bigger than her body at some point. And then she will light fires everywhere. She’ll live forever, she’s got the old woman thing. D “Bom-bom-bom. I’m the Queen, I’ll live forever d “I’ll never die, I’ll live to a million” d The Queen Mother! D “Bom-bom-bom. D “I am the Queen, I’ll live forever” d The Queen Mother is amazing, she’s got artificial hips, she has an artificial arm, a bionic eye. She cost six million dollars! (d Sings The Six Million Dollar Man Theme) De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. “Paparazzi, 2,000 yards.” De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. “Off with the tiara.” (d Resumes theme) Sh-ze-ze-de-de. (d Resumes theme) The Six Million Dollar Man, he was a bit slow really. He had amazing powers. “OK, Steve, you’ve got to get those bad guys over there.” “I’m right on it, Oscar.” (d Resumes theme) “Little bit faster, if you could, Steve. They’re going to get away.” You’re watching on telly. “Oh, I’ll get a coffee. This is taking forever.” As long as the music was going. De-de-de-de-de-de. You get back and he’s somewhere near the car. People are by the car going, “Jesus. “Oh, he’s hit me.” So, yes, the Royal Family. Hmm. Diana died, Diana died, and… Everyone’s gone quiet, what’s going on? No, I’m not doing big laugh death jokes. I don’t do those because it’s not a big funny area for me. But she did die and we were thrown by it. Some people were big fans and were having a lot of grief time. I was not a big fan. I didn’t dislike her. I preferred Diana’s direction to the Queen’s direction. The Queen’s just “Hmm”. Diana was slightly more “mm” and… So I preferred that direction but I think we were thrown because it was like a soap opera. Front page for the last four months, Dodi and Di, on holiday, and that was so in your face that you had to be thrown. It happened one night and you woke up and went, “What? Weird.” And it was something like The X-Files. That’s huge, it’s all over the world, Scully, Mulder, front page, no clothes. Erm, kinda similar, imagine if an episode came out on a Monday at 2am and they killed off the characters and we went, “What? Has it finished now? “I was watching that. “Just Monday night and…” It just throws you, you know. Scully always there, she’s so, “Look, Mulder, “I don’t believe that Martians with big elbows are taking over the world.” “There’s tons of files on that thing, Scully. You’ve got to read these files.” By the end of the show there’s Martians with big elbows everywhere. She’s swatting them off with a tennis racket, “I believe you, Scully! “Mulder.” “Do you know who you are?” Anyway. So, it happened, and so there was a mother who died, there was a lot of sympathy towards the kids, one 17, one 13, I think. That was understandable. And my dad said something to me – “My mum died when I was six and my brother was eight. “No one gave a shit.” It was interesting because a lot of people die, people at the concentration camps and no one does give a shit. There was a lot of focus on that so I don’t know how it all fits together but we were thrown. And everyone came on telly, there was Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, saying, “We’re sorry about this.” The Queen said nothing. Monday, nothing. Tuesday, Wednesday, nothing. Thursday, nothing. Friday, as if someone was pushing her in the back. “Get on!” What? It was as if Charles was there going, “Get on the bloody thing.” “But it’s not Christmas. I’m not… “Charles, it’s not Christmas. I’m on holiday in Scotland, what’s going on?” The problem with the Queen is she doesn’t know how to talk from the heart and that’s what we deal with now. Someone says, “Look, I fucked up at this” or, “I’m trying to do this.” But she’s there saying, “We’re very sorry about Diana, she died.” And you’re not connecting there. I would have more respect for the Queen if she said, “Diana, she died and that’s very sad but we didn’t get on “and she went in a different direction “but I didn’t want her to die and so that’s a sad thing.” I’d have more respect if she was upfront about it and also if she said, “About resigning the throne, I’m never gonna do that. “I’m staying here. “I’ve superglued the crown onto my head “and, as I speak, I’m strapping myself in. “Fuck off. D “I’m an old lady” d Cos she’s not going, is she? She’s not. She’s going for Queen Victoria’s record, I can see that. There’s a glint in the eye. Queen Victoria was queen for 2,000 years. And she won’t resign. What will her mother do? “I’m the mother of the Queen Mother of the King of the…” She’d be lost. She’s staying in there, superglued onto the throne. “What?” Going on holiday like this. Back in the ’50s she was quite sexy in a sort of difficult-to-believe but… But she was. In a kind of, you know, the ’50s skirts, “Fancy the Queen, yeah. Got her picture on my locker door, yeah. “Shag the Queen.” In the ’60s, London and Britain was hip for the first time since the Civil War and the Queen should have gone with it, slipstreamed in there. Short skirts, E-type Jags, cigarette. Vrooom, vrooom… Police coming up, “Hey, lady, you’re speeding.” “Fuck off, I’m the Queen.” Shoom! “Where to now, Phil? “Phil, read the map the right way up for God’s sake.” Prince Philip, he’s a card. Has the habit of saying things like, “You’re all a bunch of bastards. “Was that bad? “I don’t know what was going on.” They tumble out. “Haa!” You expect him to go on one of these ceremonial visits with a big bit of tape on. It was 1986, I think, China – a bunch of British students there, he went up and said, “Don’t stay here too long, you’ll become all slitty-eyed.” Off the map, isn’t it? Even as a joke it’s just so stupid. Like no one was going to mention it. What the fuck? He’s like some ambassador turning up saying, “You’re all fuckers, why don’t you all piss off? “Your problem is you’re all foreigners. “Bye. “Did it go well, do you think? “What phrase in particular?” Back in olden times they had a big royal screw-up, the siege of Troy. There was Helen, who became Helen of Troy but was Helen of Greek lands first, married to King Menelaus and Paris came over from Troy. He was obviously some swarthy… “Hi, my name is Paris. “Queen Helen, let us kiss with tongues.” And Helen went, “Oh, I fancy him.” And voom! Next day, apparently, she shot off with him. And the whole siege of Troy began, which is the myth we had, but it’s true. They found Troy. A German archaeologist dug it up with very precise tools and… “15.7 metres down, I found it, very precise, it’s here.” In a very German way. And we have archaeology on TV. I quite like it, it’s a sort of detective thing but it’s really tricky, you know, it’s there. But it’s kind of slow on telly. It has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live TV “and we’ve dug up a millimetre of topsoil so far. “There’s men with brushes and beards. “Maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure. “We’ve found this and carbon dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited.” It’s too slow. Our attention spans are short. “We need stuff! Quick, change the channel.” We want, not slow archaeology, we want speed archaeology. We want big fuckers with diggers. “You’ve got 15 minutes to find a city.” “All right! Let’s go!” D Bam-ba-bam-ba-ba-ba-bam-bam! D “Get the diggers in!” Brrr! Brrr! “What the fuck? Get that skull out of the way. “Pottery everywhere! “What have we got?” And they always find in archaeology, a series of small walls. Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. “We found a series of small walls, we’re very excited. “We think this proves that they had walls in olden days. “They were very small. A series of small-walled people.” And then someone, very learned with glasses, says, “The King and Queen entertained here. “1,500 courtiers and 20,000 soldiers in this room. “And elephants dancing hopscotch over there. “Mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo. Viaducts and aqueducts…” And you watch going, “You’re making this up, mate.” You just point at a series of small walls and say, “Tutankhamen played banjo in there.” Don’t know if it’s true. Anyway, siege of Troy – Helen eloped with Paris, the Greeks got fucked off and went to Troy in big ships and the siege began. The great warriors were there – Agamemnon, famous warrior, Ajax, famous toilet cleaner, and Achilles, immortal man, immortal body except he had an Achilles heel. What an irony. “You mean I’m called Achilles, Mum, and I have an Achilles heel as well? “I’ll be a laughing stock. “Oh, bloody hell.” Achilles must have gone into battle like this. “Get off! Get off the heel, get off! You buggers.” The Trojans with crabs and lobsters… “Get them on his heel.” “No, not the crabs and lobsters! Aah! Aah! “Come on, you buggers, I’ve got my foot…” If I was Achilles, I’d put my foot in a fuck-off block of concrete. For starters. Then ptoo, ptoo, ptoo – arrows shooting off everywhere. “Ha-ha-ha-ha! “Block of concrete. No problem at all. “See these swords here? Thbpth! “No problem.” Wa-oo, wa-oo, wa-oo! “Ha-ha-ha-ha.” The slight downside – he’d have a maximum radius after that. “Could you come over here, please? “Could you come over here? “Could you come over here, please? I’ve got something to show you. “I can’t show you unless you come over here. Damn.” He’d have to put wheels on the block of concrete. (Squeaks) But we know trolleys. They don’t quite work like this. It’d be… (Squeaks) “Thanks for waiting.” Much better would be to have a hovercraft bottom bit on. (High-pitched hum) (Descending hum) Thbpth! (Ascending hum) And after a hard day’s battle he could get home and change from blow to suck. (High-pitched hum) “Mum, the plug needs moving.” Booo. It’s the noise that’s the best fun in hoovering. Booo. Oooh. Booo! Oooh! Booo! Oooh! Until it breaks. “I’ve bust it, Mum.” Good strong Hoovers are good. (Low hum) Sometimes you’re hoovering away and it makes that funny noise. Jig-a-jig-a-jig-a-jig-a. And you carry on hoovering, thinking, “Was that a bit of grit? “Was that a piece of money? “Or was that the Treasure of the Sierra Madre? “Must know, must find out, what’s in it? “Ah, it’s a bit of grit. Damn.” But the power Hoovers are much better than those old Pushmi-pullyu no-power… Hod-de-de-de-de. With little turny brushes. And the dust would say, “What exactly are you trying to do?” (Comic accent) “We’re trying to whisk you. “Whisk you into the hod-de-de-de.” “But we’re coming straight back down again.” “I don’t know about that, you know? I’m just a hod-de-de-de.” “Where exactly are you from?” “I don’t know, man, I got this crazy accent. “I’ve no idea.” So, anyway, Achilles was there. Remember? He had this Achilles heel and that’s because all his important stuff was in there. His brain, liver, lungs and spleen. Everything. The rest of his body was empty except for potpourri. Which is a genius invention. Someone said, “I will take stuff that fell from trees, put underarm deodorant on it “and sell it to posh people.” Who buy it! “50 quid a jar? Thank you very much. (Posh English accent) “Thank you, this is wonderful. Big ribbon. Thank you.” You couldn’t sell it to ordinary people. “Sack of potpourri, five pence a sack.” “That’s stuff that fell off trees.” “Only five pence.” Anyway, Achilles was full of it. And he died and the siege continued and after ten years of siege, the Greeks got pissed off and thought, “We’ll play one big last trick on them.” And they built a huge wooden horse, 100 metres high, wooden, hollow horse, put some soldiers inside, left it there. They built this big horse and said, “We’re going now, bye! “You’ve won, well done. Bye. “We’re in our ships. Bye. We’ve left you a big horse. “As per usual. Bye. “As you normally do in these situations we’ve left an ordinary ceremonial horse. “Bye. Thought you’d like it.” It doesn’t make any sense that the Trojans believed that. After ten years you’d be pissed off, you’d leave some dog poo behind. “That’s what we think of you, you bastards.” Helen’s still in there. “We built you a big horse, we thought you’d like it.” The Greeks sailed away to make it look convincing, over the horizon, where it dips down. If you’ve ever been there. They just hid behind the horizon. So they could get a good look, they stapled fish onto their helmets. Then they turned the fish round. For accuracy. The horizon is where the water tumbles over into a huge waterfall. Underneath the waterfall is a cave and in the cave is Daniel Day-Lewis, Elisabeth Shue and a load of Mohicans and Daniel Day-Lewis is saying, “Just stay alive and I will find you, “no matter what occurs.” Then he jumps into the shower. Lost everyone. No one understands. Yeah, forget that. So they left the big horse and the Trojans came out – “Ooh, big horse, just what we’ve always wanted. “Hey, Helen, get a look at this. Big horse.” They should have checked to see whether it was hollow. Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. (Deeper) Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. “Hey.” Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. “This one’s hollow, get it open.” They’d open it up and inside there’d be a load of Greeks. “Hello. “Oh, have they gone? I didn’t set the alarm this morning. Aw. “We were just cleaning up.” Hod-de-de-de-de. (High-pitched hum) Hod-de-de-de-de. “Yes, hello. Er, yes, we’re Greek. “This is Agamemnon, I’m Ajax, and this is Prince Philip of England. “Don’t say a bloody word! Do not say anything.” So, the New Testament. Erm. The New Testament, yes. That was a short beard testament, I think. And it began slap-bang on nought AD, right in the kisser. Which made the people who made calendars very happy because they were going out of their minds. “So we go five, four, three, two, one, nought and then what? “Where do we go after that? Year A, year B, what? “Call it year peh? Year flumdoo? “Year crumbadu? Do we just make it up? What do we do? “And AD – who is D?” “I can tell you that, that’s Domino – makes pizzas. Erm. “I don’t know quite what’s going on.” “We never knew who C was. BC – who’s C?” Anyway, they found out, and Mary and Joseph and baby Jee. And all the calendar people came and said, “Oh, Mary, Joseph, thank you. Good timing. “Six days early, actually, so, er. “But it’s Christmas so… Spirit of goodwill.” Baby Jee was there and the three wise men came from the Old Testament with big fuck-off beards. “Baby Jee, we have followed the star, “which was a lamppost for a while and we went in circles but now we are here. “We got a bit pissed somewhere near Birmingham “and now we are here with presents! “Baby Jee, we bring you gold! Ah. “We bring you frankincense. Ah. “And we bring you myrrh. Er… “Yes, I think if you rub it on the back of a duck, it goes quite fast. “That’s what… Or maybe it’s a small banjo? “If you can spell it you can have it, how about that?” Baby Jee was very happy. “Thank you for my Christmas presents. “And for my birthday presents?” “What? Christmas and birthday, isn’t it? “You were born and it’s Christmas. Two presents. Ah, you’re the first… “Are there any shops open?” Mary and Joseph – “Er, late-night petrol station, try that.” “Brilliant, good idea. We’ll be right back. “Get out, get out of it. Get the beard out the way.” 20 minutes later they came back. “Sorry, we’re here. “Baby Jee, we bring you 20 cigarettes. “A Diet Coke. “And a sack of charcoal!” (Applause) “Sack of charcoal?” “They always have them at petrol stations. “Yes, very funny gag in England and France. “Not in America – it goes down like a lead balloon.” “Don’t they have charcoal at…?” “No, they don’t.” “Did you cut it out of the show?” “No, couldn’t be buggered. “Couldn’t be buggered.” (Applause) “Just had a conversation with you about how it works in Europe but not in America.” “Oh, I see.” So, yes, Baby Jee’s very happy. “Thank you for all my presents. “But stick around cos we’re doing a Nativity play, “seeing as it’s Christmas. “Mum, the three wise men, why don’t they play the roles of the shepherds?” Cos the shepherds were missing, the sheep were running amok. They were late because they were trying to get the sheep to where Baby Jee was and there was a roadblock cos there were sheep in the road and they were trying to get them through and it was… No one ever gets that bit. You know how sheep block roads and normally a car… But if you’re trying to get sheep through… Good comedy situation, I thought. But it needs this big, vast explanation. “What’s he talking about?” So they played the three shepherds, the three wise men were played by a duck and a donkey. And Noah, who turned up, he was lead wise man. He said… (As Sean Connery) “I’ve got the speedboat out on the sea of Galilee. “If anyone wants to come for a spin, it’d be great. “If you’ve got big beards, sit on the side, they blow in the wind. “Fucking fantastic.” And Mary had no role because she was knackered. Joseph played himself and the innkeeper, which was funny. “I’d like a room.” “No rooms.” “Well… Baby Jee…” “Baby who?” “The whole calendar thing.” “My calendar’s getting a bit tired at the moment.” Where’s that bit going? So, yes, Baby Jee was there, then he grew up, grew older and died. And, er… The shortest version of that story, isn’t it? But he had some disciples, disciples, in French. One was St Peter. St Peter was the guy who said, “I don’t know him.” Cock-a-doodle. “Oh, it’s him.” That’s the speed version of that story. He left Galilee after the death of Jesus and he came to Rome, and he said, “Rome is a crazy place, I like it here, it’s brilliant. “I’m staying here – all the kids on Vespas, no helmets, brilliant.” Brrrrr… “What a sexy place. I’m gonna stay here and be a pope.” So he became the first pope. There were lots of popes. They’re guarded by the Swiss Guards, who stand proudly in pyjamas and funny hats. I think it’s a safety device. If people want to attack the pope – “Let’s get the pope, come on! “Men in pyjamas! “Oh, I can’t do this.” The Swiss Guards have Swiss Army Knives! “Ah!” (Swiss accent) “Now we have the scissors! “You have a thread there – I cut it. “Dans la poubelle. “Ah, no, small knife, big knife, small knife, big knife. Ah. “Erm. I can see you! I can see you! “You’re upside down now!” (Sawing noise) “I do not know what this one is. “And with this one I can open a can of beans in a week. “Oh, he’s escaped, he’s escaped! “Quick, tell the cardinals!” All the cardinals having a meeting to decide the new pope. All eating marmalade sandwiches. Marmalade on toast. “Right. You be the pope.” “No, you be the pope.” “No.” “Look out, the toast is burning! Oh, no!” Black smoke going up. Outside, people are watching and saying, “There’s three popes now, what’s going on in there?” And the pope, he decides who becomes a saint. And to be a saint you need three miracles. There must be some really good people with only two miracles. “Just need that last big… Hey! “Fish into baboon… type thing.” They’re there, “Your pope-ness, I have only two miracles. “My last one you disallowed – I turned wine into water.” “Yeah, but it’s not crazy, it didn’t really work for me. “It was my best vin de table, as well. “I was a bit pissed off, I was.” “Well, I have now a bloody miracle with me. This one’s brilliant. “Now, pick a card. “Don’t show me! That’s the point! “Right, now put it back in the pack. Now shuffle. “Don’t know where it is. “Is it the three of diamonds?” “It is the three of diamonds! That’s brilliant! It’s a bloody miracle! “OK, I’ll make you a saint. Well done, mate. “Saint Jeff. “And here’s your Vespa. Brrrr… “Patron saint of dangerous driving.” We don’t have miracles, we have dreams. Those are our own personal miracles. We all dream, we have dreams. I don’t know, some weird characters in our brain take over. “You’re covered in jam. Urr.” They’re always bonkers. And we dream in colour. Some people have black and white dreams, they’re kind of cheapo dreams. You need to bang the set before you go to bed. And they’re so vivid to us – you’re there and your grandmother’s attacking you with a spoon, the pope’s playing a banjo and you’re totally au fait with it. And you often wake up going, “Shescaska…” Those weird, “Footska, I’ve got…” I’ve been lying down… I’ve tripped over while asleep. “I’m asleep… l’m up…” And people interpret them, bonkers dreams. “A man comes up to me covered in jam and he sings,” d “Oh, I am a man-hippo” d “And he brings me spoons and his buttocks explode and his brother “drives a small snail towards me very slowly. “What does it mean?” The interpretation’s always ordinary. “You didn’t get on with your father when you were a child.” “Why doesn’t it say that in my dream? “What’s all the bloody snail thing and…?” You never have a straight dream. You never just walk along the road, go into a shop and buy a Mars bar. Cos that would probably mean, “You’re from Mars and your ears are made of jam “and your brother in Kent’s buttocks explode to the size of a balloon!” “That’s very true.” We have flying dreams, they’re the best. You fly around – never hit a light bulb, do you? Birds don’t have flying dreams – they’d be boring for birds. Birds must have car-driving dreams! Vrooom! D Da-da-da-na-na-na! D “You’re speeding, Mr Feathers!” “Fuck off, I’m a bird!” Yeah. And the greatest myth-legend-type story that we have in England is Robin Hood. Not really a miracle but a myth. It’s a myth and a legend – Robin Hood! It’s our most famous English myth, and it’s been stolen by Hollywood. So much so that Robin Hood has an American accent. “Hi! I’m Robin Hood! “Where is the Maid Mar-ayan “and the Sheriff of Notting-ham? “I’m a Notting-ham man, born and bred. “I live in Sher-wood Fo-rest. “I am from round here.” We wouldn’t believe an English Robin Hood. “Hello, I’m Robin Hood.” You’d go, “No. “Haven’t got the Nottingham twang.” The reason why Hollywood films killed us in Britain was they had so much sex, they’ve got sex, sex, sex. “Hi, I’m Robin Hood! Where is the Maid Mar-ayan? “Maid Mar-ayan, come here and let us kiss with tongues! “Let us go and shag in my tree house.” Sort of an English Robin Hood – “Marian? Cup of tea? “My tree house has been prepared.” Up the stairs. Staircase. “Yes, linen tablecloth. Do you like it? “Darjeeling or what? “Now, these are my etchings.” Back in the ’40s and ’50s they took sex out. The Noel Coward, sort of, In Which We Serve type films were… (Posh accent) “Darling, I’m off to the war.” “Don’t go, darling. Don’t go to the war.” “I must go to the war, darling. They won’t start without me.” “Don’t go, darling, it’s dangerous. Rat-a-tat, boom and all those noises.” “I must go, darling, it’s my duty as a cockney man.” All the accents were really fucked, weren’t they? “We as East Enders, we as people from the East End of London, “the working class of London, “we must go with our strange accents, go to the war, I must do it.” If that’s the East End then what’s a posh person’s accent? (Mumbles) “…said a posh person to me today. He also said…” (Mumbles) “And I believe him. “Little Johnny, Susie, I’m off to the war.” “Don’t go, Daddy. Don’t go.” “I must go.” “Bring us back something, Daddy.” “I’ll bring you back a Nazi with real hair.” Dick Van Dyke, he went for a cockney accent. I think he went to Australia to learn it. “G’day, Mary Poppins! How you doin’? “I’m a chimney sweep, absolutely. “Talkin’ to Charlene today, she’s a chimney sweep too. (d Pastiche of Chim-chimeree) D “I’m a chimney sweep, cor, love a duck, gorblimey. D “Put another tube of lager on the barbie.” d That is an Australian accent – check it out! And also Robin Hood is a myth. It’s a myth, it is not true. It’s based on bits of fact. His name probably wasn’t Robin Hood, just… Bin. A nutter who lived in a tree. “Hello, I’m Bin! “Ro… I’m Ro-Bin. “Give us cash! Give us cash. “I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I’m trying to be a myth. Give us cash.” “No, I’m not giving you cash.” “Go on. Are you rich?” “No, I’m comfortable.” “I can’t steal from people who are comfortable “and give to the moderately impoverished. “That’s not gonna swing, is it?” “It’s not my fault. I’m just here on my pogo stick.” “Come back here – do you wanna fight? Da-da-da!” Thbpth! “What? Sorry, I just threw a sword at you.” Thbpth. That’s a sword noise. I meant to go p-twang! But I just went thbpth. “You firing swords at me?” “Sorry.” I had a fight. I had my own personal fight last year, last November, in Cambridge! Did three good gigs in Cambridge and then had a fight. Like you do. And… It was a bit weird, he was… People shout at me. People do – as a bloke who wears make-up whenever I want, as is my inalienable right as a citizen… Some people say, “Good on you, mate.” And some say, “What the fuck is this?” To my face. To which I reply, “You say that now, “but how are you at canasta?” Actually, I didn’t say anything, but… People do shout, and I used to just go, “Well, I suppose you’re right, I must be a bastard.” But now I get angry. I get furious and stick up for myself. But it’s stupid, cos I don’t know how to fight. So this guy was going, “Ooh, Tracey.” And I was going, “My name is not Tracey, right?” And I go into Michael Caine impressions, which is weird. “You are a stupid bastard. What are you? “Do not bloody say that to me!” “You’re a big lad but you’ve got no brains so shut your fucking face.” So he went for it, and I was blocking and blocking, which is, you know, that, block, block. I was doing quite well, but he had four friends and they beat the crap out of me. But in a fun way. And then I took ’em to court and it was all fun. And I won a hundred quid. It was like, it was like a very low pools win or something. “It must be Wins-day”. So… So, yeah, I got that, and it’s great because the people who beat me up… If you’re in a fight you’ve got to… “Can I get your name and address?” Or at least what they look like – “Just… Quick Polaroids, lads!” I didn’t know their faces so I couldn’t say, “And they did it, too.” Then they turn up as witnesses for the defence. “Oh, it’s you guys! Right.” And their line of defence was that I started it. That was it. Like a bloke puts on make-up and goes out looking for a fight. Come on! Come on! What’s happening in Cambridge? Where’s all the fighters? Come on! Fucking there, I’ll put more on, there we go. It’s the standard thing that blokes do. Erm, so, anyway, that all happened. Now I’ve got to decide, which way do I go? Cos they could have had knives, guns, bazookas. If they’ve got a bazooka don’t run away – it’s easier to hit someone from a distance. Run towards them and grab hold of them. (Applause) “Back off! “We’re both going together!” Thbpth! That’s just handy in case someone pulls out a bazooka. So, yeah, and either I shut up or I learn a martial art. I like the idea of learning a martial art. It’s an Eastern thing, balanced movement of the body, you use the other person’s weight and momentum. In the West we have no martial arts at all. We don’t have anyone… We just go wahey, boom, oi, boof. Boom! Wahey! It’s all martial and no art. And, er, and there was that series on telly, Kung Fu. David Carradine or Keith Carradine, and he was always, “Grasshopper, you must not fight. “That is losing, to have the fight.” And we were watching going, “No, go on, have a fight!” All through a half-hour episode, “No, I will not fight you. “I do not want to do that.” Why is he French? (Comic French accent) “I will not fight you. I am French Buddhist.” But at the end he would always go, “Oh, fucking hell!” And we’d go, “Yeah!” And have another cup of coffee. And switch on The Six Million Dollar Man. But there are so many martial arts. T’ai chi – a little too slow, I think. It’s got that Steve Austin problem. Jujitsu I learnt from a book I got when I was about 14, and it had… Learning a martial art from a book is weird cos you’ve got all the pictures. Fights never quite go like the pictures. One great bit said, in a fight you grab their hand, open these fingers here, put a pencil in there and squeeze really hard. And it really hurts! How you fit that into a fight, I do not know. “You wanna make something of it? Come on! Hang on a sec. “Have you got a pen?” “Ah! “Leave the tranny alone, he knows what he’s doing! Get out of it!” And there’s judo or kendo. Judo I learnt when I was six, I was at a school where it was compulsory, in Wales. A kind of bizarre headmaster. (Welsh accent) “I think judo. I am bringing in judo this year as compulsory. “Everyone from six upward must learn, “so we can have a lot of fights with people in white pyjamas.” Or kendo, kendo’s the one. If you want to learn one, it’s great, you’ve got padding up your legs, a big body suit of armour and a head mask and a bat. You’re way ahead! “I will fight you but first I must go to my car… d “La, la, la… d “Oh, happy day… d “Right, now, you were saying?” I’m a fan of machines as well. I like machines. As a kid, you know when you have that spark of invention? I invented a helicopter that goes underwater. Bit of a deathtrap but, erm… But the spark was there, you know? And the Grim Reaper should update, he has the scythe of death. The scythe was a modern piece of equipment after the Iron Age. People saying, “You’ve got a scythe? “What the hell is that? We’ve just got wooden scissors. “Get Mr Digital over here.” Ding. The Grim Reaper should update, it’s 1997, throw away the scythe and get a lawn mower! One of the big petrol-driven ones. Vroom-na-na-na-na-na! Brrr, brrr… He’d look great walking along… Brrrm, brrrm… “All the dead people, get in the bin where the grass goes.” Then he could do those turns like your dad did on the lawn mower. (Engine becomes high-pitched) They scared the shit out of me. Because they were eating grass… No grass! They’d go spare when you took them off the ground. We had one when I lived in Northern Ireland and my dad would start it, it always took three goes to start it. He wanted to get a crowd. He was there, one-na-na-na-na… No. One-na-na-na-na… Don’t think so. One-na-na-na-ner-ner. There’s all these bits to adjust. I realised there was a choke there, starter there. Accelerator, brake, radio, glove compartment. The glove compartment is a lie in cars. You never have gloves in a glove compartment. You never open it and go, “50, 60 pairs of gloves! “Everywhere! I’m drowning in gloves! “Glove death.” Inside the glove compartment is usually a bit of an apple, a cassette with no holder and a map of Belgium or something. We had the big lawn mower. It was much better than my grandad’s. It was a Pushmi-pullyu, related to the cleaning equipment. My grandad had that little triangle of lawn. Hod-de-de-de-de. Hod-de-de-de-de. Hod-de-de-de-de. The grass would go, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Hod-de-de-de-de. Hod-de-de-de-de. “Stay down, lads. Stay down. “It’s just an air raid. No problem.” Hod-de-de-de-de. He’d flatten the lawn out. Put it away. They’d go “f-thum” as he was walking away. My gran would be in the kitchen adjusting a cake on her head. “The lawn’s even bigger, Grandad.” When your gran called your grandad, “Grandad”, you were going, “He’s your grandad, too? “Are you my sister? “And you’re my father’s mother? What the fuck went on in this family?” Yeah. Toasters. Toasters are good. I like them. I like toast. You’ve got a toaster and it’s got a turny-dial knob thing on the side. And it lies to us. It does not tell the truth. For it has numbers from one to six and they lie. You set on four, you put bread in, and it comes up three. “This is three toast. No good at all. Hardly done.” You set and change to five. It comes up six, all burnt. Scrape, scrape. “Oh, fuck it. Forget it.” The toast is in there going, “Stay down, lads. Stay down. “Stay down! Go for the burn! “No pain, no gain! “No fish, no fowl. “No socks, no shoes. “No hair, no haircut.” The other toast’s going, “What are you talking about?” “I don’t know. I just quite liked saying it.” I think it’s one and a half times for each piece of toast. Correct me if I’m wrong. Toast goes in. Comes up. You don’t even look at it, you whack it straight down. Then you wander round with one eye on the toaster. The whole automated idea is lost as you have to… The toast’s going, “Wait till he looks at the Cup-A-Soup.” You’re going, “Cup-A-Soup, Pot Noodle, Cup-A-Soup, Pot Noodle. Oh, it’s burning! “Oh, no. In the bin.” And it gets stuck in there. You know you’re not supposed to put a knife in. But you’re an adult now. It’s your toaster. You want to live on the edge, so get knives in toaster. And forks. All cutlery in the toaster. And use a whisk as well. Get it in. Take it and do it in the bath. In the bath. Do it. Turn the water on. Plug. Eat a jam sandwich at the same time. Light matches. Burn the house down. The same people who make toasters make showers. For they have a turny button too, that lies. For we know turn, turn, turn for hot. Turn, turn, turn for cold. But the only position we’re interested in is the position between there and there. One nano-millimetre between fantastically hot and fucking freezing. Everyone who gets into a shower immediately becomes like a safe-breaker. You have two positions in the shower. One position is this. And the other position is this. “Ah! “Jee… “What the hell? “Ah! “Stop using taps! “Everyone in West London, stop using taps!” And there’s someone in the same bathroom as you, going… d “La, la, la…” d You’re going, “Hey, stop using taps!” “I am not using taps. I’m letting a mouse run over my hands. “We need a generator in the ark. The mouse will run around. “Noah’s downstairs with the ark.” Noah’s shouting, “The ark’s double-parked in a puddle. Get a move on.” It’s true. It’s in the Bible. But planes are the big machine. The great big flying machine. I first flew when I was four months old. I had a real problem with throwing up, so that must have been a fun trip. Throwing up is controlled by three little bones in the inner ear. (d Mikado pastiche) “Three little bones from school are we…” They’re called Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. And they control hearing and vomiting. Don’t know why they go together. God went… (As James Mason) “Inner ear, you shall have hearing and vomiting as well. “Yes, that’ll be fun.” “No, vomiting’s for stomachs. Stomach’s control.” “No, for you. I think it’d be fun.” “Then you can make someone vomit and hear them vomiting, too.” Which is why, if someone does go… (Retches) You hear it and go… (Retches) And normally, the inner ear sends signals to the brain. You’re walking and the inner ear’s going, “He’s walking along a road. “Going up a slight incline, turning to the left, going down some stairs, “down some stairs with a weird arm movement.” I’d walk the same route and my inner ear would go, “He’s in a tumble dryer! He’s on a humpback bridge! Tumble dryer! “Looping the loop in an aeroplane. “He’s now in a barrel and is rolling down a hill.” But now it’s cool. Much better. I had to do a flight last year on a tour, which was from Cork to Belfast. There were only six passengers. They said, “We won’t put you on the 747 because that would be laughable. “So we’ve got a Volkswagen Beetle with wings.” We had our bags. You just walked with them. Obviously I didn’t walk like this. That was comedy. I walked like this. That’s a better mime position. Otherwise you just think I’m walking, but that’s with bags, you see. In case you ever need it, you know. In Nigeria and… They’re very big in mime. Anyway. So I was walking along with the bags. It’s a very small airport. You go through a door and someone goes, “Beep. There’s a problem there.” And walking across the runway. Have you ever walked with your bags across a runway? You feel like the Beatles. The squirrels are going, “aah”. The pilot was right by the plane. It was like going on holiday with your dad. “Come on, come on! “You don’t need that, right?” “It’s my bag! Bloody hell.” “Get in. We’re going to miss the clouds! Come on!” So he was taxiing over to the runway. “Come on. Get your heads down. I can’t see.” He was right there. I could touch him on the shoulder. Just like in the car. But even though he could turn around and talk to us he was still doing, “This is your pilot speaking. “Welcome to flight one from here to there. “We’re gonna be flying at a height of ten feet, “going up to a height of twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. “Your copilot today is a Thermos of coffee.” I thought there was a rule that you had to have two pilots in case one goes, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” And the other one goes, “I’ll take over!” (d Sings Ride Of The Valkyries) “I’ve got one of my own! “One over here.” People in the back. “I’ve got one!” A Thermos of coffee was going to fly us home. He’s there doing the stuff and we’re flying. They have a word in the airways industry. They have a thing called bird strike. It’s when a flock of birds is flying along. “What a wonderful day.” Thbpth! They go straight through a jet engine. It’s called bird strike. It’s a misnomer. The birds aren’t striking. It’s an engine suck. It’s an engine making bird soup melange. These birds aren’t going, “Who’s for bird strike? “Johnny Human’s big metal buggers piss me off! “I vote we go for bird strike! “Alfie, Ginger, Stevie, Feathers, Stephens, “Big Beak O’Reilly, Jimmy the Penguin, are you with me? “No, you’re a penguin, so you stay here. “Come on! Let’s do bird strike!” (d Sings Ride Of The Valkyries) “Faster, faster! “747!” Mmm… Thbpth! Just before they go through, do they go, “Look, there’s Rod Stewart”? We don’t know. But they do the safety announcement. My guy in my plane was going, “The safety instructions. “The safety exits are here, next to me. “If you see me go through this door, please follow me quickly.” If you’ve been in a big aeroplane, no one’s listening to the security announcements. Everyone’s going, “Yeah, yeah. There, there. “Lights flash. Put the thing on. Pull the thing “and death.” It’s a kind of, “Yeah, all right.” So the pilots have been told to kick up the importance of these speeches. They go, “Please do listen to the safety announcements “because we’ve changed things around. “You don’t know. We’re putting the life jacket on back to front. “Some of the safety exits are false. They’re not true. “And I’ve got a bad feeling about this flight. I don’t think we’re going to make it.” After that everyone’s going, “Show me everything! “Private showing. I’m putting it on now. Fuck it. “Yes, I’ll have coffee, thanks.” They have these life jackets and you pull it and… Thbpth! You’ve got a pipe here for top-up. I don’t want top-up. I want stays-up. Top-up implies hole in. Implies having to… I want fucking stays-up, no hole in the first place, thank you. Bloody top-up! It’s all a bit tea and crumpets with the vicar. Top-up. Crashed in the Atlantic, bobbing around. “Oh, you survived as well. Well done. Care for a top-up? “Couldn’t top me up, could you?” “I didn’t need it. I’m just trying to break the ice. “Hey, float over here. “Look. Two pipes. Panpipes.” It’s 2,000 miles to Europe, 1,000 miles to America. You’ve got your whistle. (Hoots) (Hoots) A little light going beep, beep. After a while a pilot fish comes up. “Hey, that’s my gag! “Weird people.” And there’s Noah, shooting around in his speedboat. “If anyone’s got big ears you can get in and sit on the side. “Photos for the Bible.” So I was in my small aeroplane and the guy is there and we have refreshments when we get above the clouds. Coffee comes back from the Thermos. “Cheers. Ta, mate.” He had this wicker basket with biscuits in. Digestives. Not terribly interesting. I take the best ones and it goes to the guy at the back. “These are crap.” When you’re not hungry but you get offered a biscuit, you want better than that. “I didn’t want anything but what have you got? Aw.” So I’m nibbling my biscuits and drinking my coffee. And the pilot reaches under his jacket and pulls out chocolate biscuits! I realised he’d hidden them there, taken them out of the wicker basket and hidden them. I knew that because that’s what I would have done. You know when you offer your friends biscuits? You’re in the kitchen. “I’ll just have one. Well, I’ll have a couple.” “Ha-ha-ho.” Someone says, “Do you want a hand?” (Muffled) “Oh, no. “Just letting this mouse run over my hands here.” So the pilot’s eating chocolate biscuits. I’m going, “Hey, chocolate biscuits! Hey, digestive, crap biscuits!” He’s going, “Get off! I’m the bloody pilot. “Stress. Chocolate biscuits. What the hell?” I’m going, “No, customer’s always right. Digestive crap biscuits.” “Fuck off! Five years’ training for this. Hard time. “Chocolate biscuits. Perks of the trade.” “I don’t agree.” “Fucking…” (imitates engine in descent) “Hold on!” Brraaah! “What were you saying?” “No, fine, have the chocolate biscuits!” Mmm… naaah. “Chocolate biscuits.” 20 minutes later, he pulls out Jammy Dodgers! “Jammy Dodgers!” Brraaah! Thbpth! And we hit a mountain. And I died. So that was the end of that plane flight. And that is also the end of the show. Thank you very much for being here. Good night. (Cheering, whistling, applause) D La, la, la d OK. The book of Revelations, right? That’s where it all ends. The book of Revelations has got Armageddon. That’s Australian for “Armageddon outta here, it’s the end of the world!”. That’s where it derived from. It’s the end of the world. People look at the book of Revelations and say, “The end will come from the world of politics “or the world of economics or technology.” I have a love-hate relationship with technology. I love it but I can hate it. There are two groups – people with techno-fear, who are there going, “I’ve wiped the file? “I’ve wiped all the files?” “I’ve wiped the Internet?” “I don’t even have a modem!” I don’t have techno-fear. I have techno-joy! I love technology. I love to get new machines. I always think, “This is the one. I won’t have to work again. I’ve got this thing.” You get the instructions, you unwrap it and throw the instructions out the window. Forget them. Fuck them. On. “I must know how this works. I’ve used machines before. “Come on! Come on! “Come on! This bit comes off, I think.” (Clunk) “Oh.” Then you smash it with a hammer. I get really fucked off with machines. Everyone on films is so swish on computers. B-der, b-der, b-der, dee, dee, dee. So expert on their computers. “Breaking into the Pentagon computer. “Double-click on ‘Yes’. “Oh. Password protected. 20 billion possible chances. “Er, “Jeff.” “Hey! “How did you know it would be Jeff?” “I knew there’d be a back door.” In films, the guy who made the software has always left a back door so he could get back in when he wanted and look at all the missiles and go, “Ooh”. And put one on his head. “And the guy who made the software was called Jeff Jeffety Jeff, “born on the first of Jeff, 19-Jeffety-Jeff. “So I put in Jeff and hey.” I’ve never seen one character in a film on a computer, in a realistic way going… “Oh, no, no! “Put the printer there. The computer. Right. “Instructions. Hold on. Book of Revelations. “Right. Control and P. Print! “Control, P, print. “Control, P, print. “‘Cannot access printer’? “It’s here! “I can access printer. “Why the fuck can’t you? I’ve plugged you in. “Fucking control, P, print. Control, P, print. “Control, P, print. Control, P, print.” The computer’s going, “What are you trying to do?” “I’m trying to print! Control, P, print!” “But there’s something you haven’t done.” “What? Tell me what it is. I’ll do it.” “No, I can’t tell you.” “Fucking tell me! It’s five in the morning! It’s only a paragraph! “I’m just trying to print the fucker! I used the fax/modem and that fucked it up. “I can’t access it. It’s not being used by something else. “I’m using the printer port. Control, P, print. Control, P, print. “Print, control, P. Print, control, P. (Mutters) “‘A problem of type 2094 has occurred.’ “What the fuck is that? “What are the 2,093 other problems I’ve just missed to get to that one? “Control, P, print. Control, P, print. Control… “Oh, don’t do that. “Don’t… Don’t you crash on me, you bastard!” “God. I’m so tired. You have no…” “I don’t know what…” “You do! “Right. I’ll get that going. Escape. Control, P. Alt. “Escape. Control, P. Alt. Fucking…! “I’m phoning Amsterdam, you bastards. “Hello, Amsterdam? You speak very good English. Well done. “Bordered by four countries? Yes, I know. Problems in land wars. “Now, I’ve got a Macintosh computer plugged into a Canon printer and… “Yes, I’ve been into the printer file and chosen Canon printer. “Yes, I’ve chosen the printer port, which is the same as the fax/modem port, “which confuses the fuck out of me. “Yes, I’ve chosen A4 paper instead of toilet paper. “I’ve chosen the picture of the dog standing up, not the one lying down “as if a taxidermist’s had a go at it. “What the fuck…? It’s five in the morning. There’s something wrong with… “There’s an on switch on the printer? Is there?” And there’s always one fucking thing you haven’t done. If the world ends through technology it’ll happen through that. Some American general in the Pentagon going, “Will you bloody work?” Smashing the thing up with a huge… Thbpth! And the whole world goes. Which will be interesting. But if it does go, I think I’ll carry on gigging, cos I quite like it. Thank you very much. Good night. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mark-normand-soup-to-nuts-transcript/ | Mark Normand: Soup to Nuts (2023) | Transcript | mark normand | [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] This is getting off the rails here. What’s that now? – [MAN] Italian. [MARK] Italians? What are you doing here? You should be hitting your wife. All right. What’s that over there? [MAN SHOUTS] Epstein! Epstein. I’ve been to the island. Um… – [LAUGHTER] I was 14. I got to meet Bill Gates. Ah. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] You know, Ghislaine, she got 20 years. R. Kelly got 30, you know. She’s gotta be thinking, “Thank God I didn’t pee on those kids.” [MAN] How big is your cock? How big’s my cock? I don’t know, ask your mom. But, uh… [LAUGHS] [CHEERING] [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] [CELL PHONE RINGING] Hello? [MAN] Hey, Mark, it’s Seinfeld. I’m just kidding. Where the hell are you? You’re late. I’m coming right now. [MUSIC CONTINUES] [CROWD CHEERING] [AUDIENCE CHEERING] [WHISTLING, APPLAUSE] [ANNOUNCER] Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Hart! [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] [WHISTLING, CHEERING] [MARK] All right. Here we go. We got it. All right. Yeah. Come on. [WHOOPING] Here we go. Comedy, huh? Yeah. [CHEERING] Hey, we’re really doing it, folks. Good to be here. Thanks for coming out. You guys can put ’em back in this town, you know. [WHOOPING] Yeah. I drink too much too. I gotta cut back. You know, they say two and a half million people die every year from alcohol? Which is sad, but think about how many people it produces. [LAUGHTER] Gotta be like three-to-one, you know? If my parents didn’t drink, I might not be here. I’m definitely gonna name my kids after the substance that got them conceived. “This is my daughter, Tequila. This is my son, Jäger.” “What about that kid hugging your leg?” “Ha! That’s Molly.” [LAUGHTER] Man, I was hungover last week. Couldn’t get out of bed. You ever been so hungover, you see what you’re gonna be like as an old person? When you’re real hungover, you turn into a senior citizen. You wake up, you don’t know how you got there. Your body hurts, you’re weak, you’re shaking, you’re popping pills. Someone’s like, “Where are your friends?” You’re like, “I lost ’em all.” [LAUGHTER] Your buddies talk about you like you’re old. “We took him out last night. He shit himself.” “He made a scene, he fell.” “He blamed everything on China.” [LAUGHS] When I was in college, I got a DUI. I had to volunteer at an old folks’ home. They were 98, I was hungover. We were exactly the same. Both shuffling down the hallway in our pajamas. Some old lady’s like, “When’s the pain gonna end?” I’m like, “I know, right?” She’s like, “They took away my license.” I’m like, “Same here.” She’s like, “I got an STD in this place.” I was like, “Yeah. My bad.” [LAUGHTER] That’s drinking for you. It’s fun, but it’ll get you into trouble. My friend got drunk one night, blacked out, hooked up with somebody, got herpes. Yeah. So he quit drinking. [QUIETLY] Kept the herpes, but… [LAUGHTER] But booze was our whole relationship. Now every time we hang out he wants to do activities. Horseback riding, canoeing, cycling. I’m like, “Just ’cause you have herpes doesn’t mean we have to live out the commercial.” [LAUGHTER] He’s like, “You don’t get it. I got side effects.” “I got suicidal thoughts, insomnia, depression.” I was like, “Shit, maybe I have herpes.” [CHUCKLES] When I was younger, everybody smoked cigarettes when they drank. That’s over. Anybody still rippin’ butts? [WHOOPING] Hey, all right, we got a couple. You guys are rare now. When I was a kid, everybody smoked. My mom, my grandmother. Now smoking’s kinda shameful. Weed used to be a drug, used to put you in jail. Now weed got its medical degree and turned its life around. [LAUGHTER] Those two completely traded places. You wanna smoke a cigarette now, you gotta go behind a dumpster. People are like, “What are you doing?” You’re like, “Uh, paying a hooker.” [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] “I’m not smoking, I’ll tell you that right now.” On the flip side, you can pop an edible at noon. [SPACED] “Hey, I have anxiety. Whoa.” Those two flipped. If my mom had caught me smoking weed, she’d have sent me to boarding school. Now your mom finds your weed, she’s like, “Sativa? What a pussy.” [LAUGHTER] Weed’s everywhere now. It’s borderline healthy. How do you punish a kid for smoking weed these days? I got caught smoking cigarettes. My dad made me smoke the whole pack. It was hell. What do you do with a kid with weed now? “We found a roach in your room. You gotta smoke this whole eighth.” He’d be like, “Well, put on The Office, ’cause…” [LAUGHTER] “…we’re going in.” I was high the other day, walking round New York. I saw a blind guy being walked into traffic by his seeing-eye dog. I stepped in. “Whoa, buddy, can I give you a hand?” He goes, “I don’t need your charity, you piece of shit.” I was like, “Hey, blind guy.” “I’m over here.” [LAUGHTER] Also, can you afford to be a prick? You’re pretty vulnerable. I could just nut-check you. You’d never see it coming. I was fascinated with this mean blind guy. I’m watching him with his seeing-eye dog. I thought, you know what? Who picks up his shit? [LAUGHTER] The blind guy’s not doing it. This might be the best life hack of all time. I’m gonna steal that. Next time I walk my dog, I’m not bringing plastic bags. I’m bringing some sunglasses and a wiggly stick, right? My dog takes a crap, some guy’s like, “‘Scuse me, sir.” I’m like, “I’ve never seen a sunset.” [LAUGHTER] “Must be nice.” It’s too expensive where I live. Everybody’s got nine roommates. I used to live with a gay guy. Any gay guys here? [QUIET WHOOP] Hey, all right. Good to have you. Thanks for coming out. [LAUGHTER] Um, yeah. [APPLAUSE] Uh-huh. [CHEERING] Yeah. [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Yeah. My gay roommate was great. He was always on the prowl. That’s what’s gotta be nice about being gay. You like dick, and you have one. Hmm. That’s pretty good. I like vagina. You know how much work it was to get vagina? You gotta go out and tell a story and lie. [LAUGHTER] But a gay guy’s like, “Man, I want some dick tonight.” “Ah, I struck out.” “What do we have here?” [LAUGHTER] “Hey, things are looking up!” That’s why I never understood homophobic guys. You know, “How could a man ever suck a dick?” I’m like, “I’ve tried, it’s just not long enough.” [LAUGHTER] I’ve done a ton of gay shit to me, right? Every guy in here is super gay for their dick, right? Sir, you’ve given a million hand jobs to one dick, you know? ‘Cause dicks are like kids. You like your own, but the other ones are weird. [LAUGHTER] Men even treat their dicks like kids. We wash it, we take care of it, we name it. We go, “You wanna see a photo?” People go, “No, thank you.” The only difference is, you beat your kid at the mall, nobody stops you. [CHUCKLES] [APPLAUSE, WHOOPING] I grew up in Louisiana. A lot of homophobia. I grew up with a guy who hated gay people. He was obsessed with gay guys taking the rainbow. That was his big beef. “Gay guys took the rainbow.” That might be the gayest complaint I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Took the rainbow? They just made it their flag. And we all know, God hates flags. But… [LAUGHTER] A better argument would be mentally challenged people taking the word “special.” That’s a better argument. That word’s changed a lot over the years. Special ed, special needs, Special Olympics. It’s confusing now. I go to a restaurant, “Wanna hear the specials?” I’m like, “What the fuck you guys cooking?” “What the hell’s going on in that kitchen, huh?” Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s slow-cooked. But either way, I don’t know. [CHEERING] [APPLAUSE] Mm, mm, mm. [WHOOPING] But, you know… These are weird times we’re living in. We’re hung up on sexual orientation these days. Like transgender, what do you think? It’s a tough one. Yeah. It’s a hot button issue. People get worked up. On the news, “Gender neutral bathrooms. Should be a man and a woman.” “I don’t wanna shit next to trans person.” Whoa, dude. I don’t wanna shit next to anybody, okay? I’ve never thought about the type of person I’m shitting next to. Who’s got time to decipher someone’s background when you gotta take a dump? If I get diarrhea at a restaurant, I run to the bathroom. I’m not like, “Oh no, a Puerto Rican.” “Agh!” “I can’t take a BM next to a PR. What the hell?” I agree there should be two bathrooms, not divided by gender. I think you should divide it by pissing and shitting. Hmm. I don’t care who I’m shitting next to as long as they’re also shitting, right? But if I walk into the shit room and see a trans person piss, I’m gonna go, “Hey, you’d better transition to a shit right now.” [LAUGHTER] “You’re in the wrong room, sister.” “Brother. Whatever.” But there’s a big debate these days. “Are biological women the same as trans women?” “Are the different? The same? Boopity boop.” I think it’s like Coke and Pepsi. Always that one guy, “I love Coke, but I hate Pepsi.” “All I got’s Pepsi.” “I hate that shit.” Hand him a Pepsi, “Here’s a Coke.” He goes, “This is pretty good.” I’m like, “Well, you just fucked a trans person.” [LAUGHTER] [WHOOPING, APPLAUSE] Yeah, it’s all fluid, right? There’ll always be that guy who goes, “Some people have no gender.” Yeah, that’s Coke Zero. [CHUCKLES] But what the hell do I know? I grew up in the ’90s. It was like, “I don’t see color.” “We’re all the same. Treat everybody equally.” Now, we’re obsessed with everyone’s differences. You flip through HBO Max, it’s all these categories. “Trans Stories.” “Strong Black Women.” “Asian Culture.” I know you’re trying to be progressive, but porn’s been doing this shit for 30 years. [LAUGHTER] You’re never gonna out-inclusive porn. All these networks patting themselves on the back. “We have a gay section.” Porn’s like, “We have a gay, senior citizen, dwarf in a wheelchair section.” “You’re not more open-minded than us, right?” Talk about representation. I’ve been watching Asian culture since high school. HBO’s like, “We have a family section.” Porn’s like, “We got that and stepfamily. Come on.” But Chicago, gotta be said, beautiful women in this town. I mean… [WHOOPING] None here. But, uh… [LAUGHTER] I’m joking. I’ll go down on you. But, you know… [LAUGHTER] Ladies, you look great. Beautiful. Definitely the better-looking gender, I think we all agree. Like, ladies, you guys are even sexy on accident. You see a woman bend over or see down her shirt for a second. You’re like, “Whoa!” That’s a great moment. You see a guy in short shorts, something pops out. You’re like, “Oh, call the police.” [LAUGHTER] Yeah, the female form, it’s a work of art. Ladies, you look better the more skin you’re showing. Bikini, lingerie, mini skirt. Men look better the more covered up we are. Business suit, tuxedo, man in uniform. I think a female strip club should be a guy coming out naked and slowly putting clothing on, you know? Some lady’s like, “Whoo! Put on that blazer! Yeah!” By the end, she’s like, “Oh damn, he’s an astronaut.” [SIGHS] Ladies, you’re so hot, you touch your own body in bed. You’re on top like, “Oh yeah.” No guy wants to touch himself. No guy’s like, “All right, look at that.” No. ‘Cause I think you’re more turned on by men’s skills than our actual looks. Men, we’re all visual. We go to a strip club, “Yeah, dance on that pole.” At a female strip club, it’s more like, “Yeah, install that pole.” Hey? [LAUGHTER] And you’re so mysterious. We have no idea what turns you on. You know everything that turns us on. We don’t know what you like. I asked my wife, “What turns you on?” She goes, “I like a man who listens.” I don’t know. I tuned out. But… [LAUGHTER] Every woman’s different. I asked a friend, “What turns you on?” She goes, “I like a man with intelligence.” How does that work in the bedroom? Some guy’s like, “Ah, hypotenuse.” [LAUGHTER] I’m not a big strip club guy. I’m too awkward. I’m not cool. Some guys are good at strip clubs. Getting a lap dance, they’re like, “Yeah, bitch.” Or whatever. I don’t know. I’m too awkward. I was in the back room once, getting a dance. Lady’s grinding me. She’s like, “What do you do?” I’m like, “I’m a comedian.” She goes, “Tell me a joke.” I was like, “Look, I’m not at work. You are.” [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] She didn’t like that joke. [WHOOPING] Yeah. [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] But hey, I’m doing all right. I had sex with my wife today. Or, as she calls it, microdosing. And, uh… [LAUGHTER] I remember when we got engaged. She was like, “You gotta post about the engagement.” I was like, “Why? This is between us. Who cares about social media?” She’s like, “I want people to know.” “Well, I want you to post about that threesome we had.” She’s like, “Why would I do that?” I’m like, “I want people to know.” She’s like, “Are you kidding? This is a bond between two people.” I’m like, “This is better, it’s a bond between three.” She’s like, “I’ve been dreaming about this since I was a kid.” I was like, “Ah…” A lot of girls dream about a wedding. A lot of boys dream about a threesome. And the dream is very similar. Who we’ll invite, where we’ll do it, and we gotta get a photographer. [LAUGHTER] She’s a great egg, but I can always find a new way to piss her off. Touched her stomach the other day, she flipped out. She’s got a nice stomach, just self-conscious about it. People talk about private parts, like boobs are a private part. I walk in a room, grab my girl’s boobs, she’s like, “Hey, how are ya?” I grab her stomach, she’s like, “You wanna fucking die today?” That’s a private part, right? In the bedroom, she’ll cover it up so I can’t see it. Which I get, ’cause I feel the same way about my butt hole. I don’t want anybody seeing that thing. Even after wild sex, I still have to walk out of the room backwards. The stomach for a woman is the butt hole for a man. The condition of both is very dependent on diet. [LAUGHTER, WHOOPING] She’ll be like, “I can’t hook up, I had a burrito.” I’m like, “Same here.” But, like any couple, we fight. We got into it last week. She’s like, “I’m gonna level with you. I need more compliments.” I was like, “Oh shit.” So I took her to a construction site. Oh. But it gets confusing. We were walking around and a homeless guy catcalled her. “Nice ass, baby!” I was like, “There you go, huh?” She’s like, “What are you gonna do about that guy?” “I’m gonna go over and give that guy a couple of bucks.” She’s like, “I don’t want a compliment from him.” I’m like, “A compliment’s a compliment.” She’s like, “I’ll take you to a gay bar, see how you like it.” We go to a gay bar, guys are all over me. “What do you think about that?” I was like, “I fucking love it.” So… So that backfired, you know? The new fight is, I bought a vintage car. She hates this car. She goes, “I think you like the car more than you like me.” It’s not that I like it more, it’s just easier to understand. Let’s be honest, ladies. You can be vague and secretive. Car’s pretty cut and dry. Out of gas? Empty. Overheated? Hot. There’s no game for the car. The engine of a car has never caught on fire and the dashboard says, “I’m fine.” [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Hmm. [WHOOPING] Yeah. I don’t know. [WHISTLING] Men compare women to cars all the time. Ladies, you’re the opposite of a car. Your car is quiet, it’s running great. Girlfriend’s quiet, you’re in deep shit. Girlfriends and cars have nothing in common. Except for the fact that my last one was stolen by a Black guy. [GROANS] [LAUGHTER] I think men are more like cars. We’re gassy, we’re fixer-uppers. We kill people sometimes, right? And, ladies, if we stop working, you can just go electric. [IMITATES BUZZING] I think men are more like cars. Ladies, you’re more like horses. Beautiful creatures, long legs, ponytail. Expensive to feed, always need new shoes, we slap you on the ass, and once we see you take a shit, the magic’s over. But… [LAUGHTER] But we got some couples here tonight, huh? There you go. You guys swing? No. Um… You can tell you’re close with your lady when she starts farting around you. I think that’s the true test. And I get it, ladies. It’s a biological function. But can we keep it under ten a day? What do you think? You don’t want that to become your thing. You’re at a party. “Who ripped one?” “Classic Claire.” [CHUCKLES] “Every time.” Farting for a woman’s a tough look. Farting for a woman is like crying for a man. We all pretend to be open-minded, but that shit’s a bummer, you know? [LAUGHTER] The other day, I was going down on her. She farted, I started crying. She was like, “Aw, you need a tissue?” I was like, “Do you?” [LAUGHTER] What about fart’s wacky cousin, queef? Yes. [CHEERING] Love a good queef. [WHOOPING] A lot of ladies get self-conscious, embarrassed. I say queef it up, sister. It’s nice to see that thing talking for once. Love a queef. Big fan of the queef. I went down on a girl once, she queefed, my hair went… [EXHALES] It’s a hell of a time. You know what a queef’s like? It’s like when the subway goes by and you get that dirty air, you know? Sure, it’s not the most sanitary, but it’s hot down there, it’s refreshing, goddammit! I’m pro-queef. But you gotta be empathetic to the queefs, fellas. Ladies, you’re more empathetic, more thoughtful. You think about others. Men don’t think about others. We think about ourselves, you know? I go to dinner with my girl, she says, “Can’t eat here, the chef’s homophobic.” I’m like, “Great, we’re not gay. We’re good.” Yeah? That’s how I think. Men don’t think about others. I was watching tennis with my buddy. I go, “You know this guy hit his wife?” My friend goes, “Yeah, he’s got a great backhand.” Jesus Christ. You’re deeper, ladies. More emotionally intelligent. Ask a woman what she likes in a guy, she’ll tell you what she likes because of how it makes her feel. “I like guys who are strong. I feel safe.” “I like guys with money. I feel taken care of.” Guys tell you what we like, not how we feel. “What do you like in a woman?” “A fat ass.” “Hmm. How’s that make you feel?” “Hard? I don’t know.” Gotta be tough to be a lady in a lot of ways. Some perks, ladies, you know. Like, you’re allowed to announce your standards in public. When men announce their standards, we look shittier. I was hanging out with some friends. We’re drinking. Talking about our type. My gay friend was like, “I like muscles on a man.” All right, gay guy, muscles. My lady friend, “I like a tall guy.” Yeah, women like tall guys. “What do you like, Mark?” “Skinny girls with big tits.” They all went, “Oh, what a fucking asshole.” “How come you’re allowed to shame me for what I’m attracted to?” “You guys were shallow. Why can’t I be?” “You like tall guys. I’m not a tall guy. I wasn’t like, ‘Classic whore.'” I’d rather be taller but that’s my issue. She’s like, “It’s messed up you won’t sleep with certain women.” “What about the gay guy? He won’t fuck any women. Yell at him.” [LAUGHTER] You wanna be a good guy, it just gets confusing. Ladies, where are we at on objectifying women? Is that bad? It’s tough. Some women say, “Don’t ever objectify a woman.” But ladies, you do it all day long. Any time a woman posts on Instagram, every girl’s like, “Beautiful.” “Stunning.” “Sexy.” Never seen a woman write, “Smart.” [LAUGHTER] Huh. Interesting. Ladies, you don’t like when men objectify women if they’re hot. But if they’re traditionally unattractive, you love it. Smoking hot girl walks in. “Damn, she’s sexy as hell.” “Easy, creep.” If a lady rolls in on a scooter with an eye patch, “Damn, she’s sexy as hell.” “This is a great guy right here.” Isn’t he still a creep? If you’re not threatened, you’re on board. A guy puts up a poster in his cubicle, big breasted swimsuit models, “Jeez, you pig.” “Oh no, they’re trans.” “Hey, good for you.” [LAUGHTER] But isn’t he still a pig? “Is that a Victoria’s Secret poster?” “Yeah, it’s the one with Down’s syndrome.” “Oh, carry on. Carry on.” [GROANING] Like, why does that make it okay? How about that, a Victoria’s Secret model with Down’s syndrome. That’s exciting. Yeah, she’s really pretty. I mean, I’d go downs on her. You know. [LAUGHTER] Good for her. I support. I’m on board. I’m a fan. I feel bad for the girl who didn’t get the job. “Who got it?” “You don’t wanna know.” “Kill yourself. Get out of town. Change career. Don’t tell anybody.” But I also understand, ladies. You’ve been held down by your looks for generations. That sucks. My brother’s got a cute little daughter. My mom got her a Barbie. The wife’s like, “No daughter of mine is playing with Barbie.” “Why not?” “Barbie sets unrealistic body standards for girls.” Of course Barbie’s unrealistic. That’s why kids like her. Nobody wants a realistic toy. Like every man toy. Twelve-pack, huge arms, giant legs. They’re toys. “She’s gonna think she has to look like her.” No, she’s not. I’ve never heard of a girl with a Barbie, “Damn, guess I gotta cut off my nipples.” [LAUGHTER] Girls aren’t stupid. I get it. It’s a new day. Gotta be inclusive. Gotta have plus-size Barbie, Chinese Barbie, blind Barbie. You know who’s never changed? Ken. Huh. Ken’s a good-looking guy, full head of hair. There’s no bald Ken, drunk Ken, abusive Ken. Nobody wants a realistic Ken. He pulls up in the Dream Car, gets a DUI. Barbie’s like, “I told you so.” He’s like, “Shut up, you fucking skank. I’ll kill you” Nobody wants that. [APPLAUSE, WHOOPING] Yeah. [CHEERING, WHISTLING] If you ask me, Ken is quietly the most inclusive, ’cause he’ll fuck any Barbie. He doesn’t give a shit. “What is that? Wheelchair Barbie? Yeah, roll her over here, I don’t care.” Now, that’s inclusive. I would’ve killed for a Barbie growing up. My parents wouldn’t buy us any cool toys. They bought us board games. [GROANS] Even the names of board games are a bummer. Sorry. Right? Trouble. Operation. And the saddest of all, Life. [GROANS] What kind of twisted, messed up game for a kid is Life? Life’s hard, life sucks. You play games to escape life, not dive right in. You got a kid outdoors, playing with his friends. You drag him inside to play a game about mortgage and divorce? [GROANS] That’s too real. “Pick a card, Timmy. What’d you get?” “I got herpes.” “It says you sent a tweet ten years ago that came back to haunt you.” “You’re fired.” “Man, life sucks.” [LAUGHTER] Hate a board game. Remember Clue? I hated Clue. Professor Plum in the study with the candlestick. That’s not relatable. Who’s dying from a candlestick? You gotta update that stuff. Make it stuff that kills people now. Peanuts. [LAUGHTER] Gender reveal party. Fentanyl. Cops. Update it. Mark Normand in the hotel room under the BBW. [LAUGHTER] That’s how I wanna go. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Yeah. I did mention Fentanyl. We have an opioid crisis. [MAN WHOOPS] Nobody seems to give a shit. That guy’s hopped up. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Yeah. When I was a kid, all I heard was weed was the gateway drug. Remember? “Weed is the gateway drug.” I disagree. I think it’s cereal. All that sugar? Cereal’s getting kids high way younger than weed. Kids look like addicts when they wake up. “Damn, I need a bowl.” I mean, diabetes, obesity. We pump that shit into kids early. That’s why half the cereals are named after drugs. Smacks. Right? Special K. You know? Golden Grahams. Already dealing in grams. I don’t know. If you go down the cereal aisle in Australia or Europe, it’s all health food. Heart healthy. Wholegrain. Fiber. The cereal aisle in America is like a fucking acid trip, right? It’s just bright colors and wacky cartoon characters. Every cereal mascot looks like a cracked-out addict, you know? You got a paranoid leprechaun and a jacked-up rabbit stealing shit from kids. Tony the Tiger’s clearly coked-up. [STRAINED] “They’re great, yeah!” How about that wide-eyed toucan? “Hey, kids. Follow your nose.” [CHUCKLES] Yeah. I know fentanyl and opioid and all that stuff’s dark. I like dark humor. Some people get upset. Everybody’s entitled to their opinion. To each his anal. But, you know. You’ve gotta admit, though, if we’re a society that gets upset about jokes, that’s a sign we got it pretty goddamn good, you know. Guy in Ukraine’s getting his face shot. We got people here like, “Zingers, ugh.” Always blows my mind when somebody gets really upset about comedy. I told a joke, this guy got pissed. He goes, “Apologize for that joke.” I’m like, “Sorry?” He goes, “You didn’t mean that.” I’m like, “I didn’t mean the joke either, you queef.” [LAUGHTER] “What are we doing here?” [APPLAUSE, WHOOPING] But, you know, maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s me. I’m too literal. Literal guy. Definitely hurt me in some social interactions, you know. Just last week, I was at a party. Girl comes up to me. She goes, “Are you gay?” “Nah, I’m not gay.” She goes, “Whoa. Nothing wrong with being gay” I’m like, “I know. Just saying I’m not.” “You’re getting defensive.” “Well, I’m not gay.” “There’s nothing wrong with it.” “I know, but I’m not.” She wouldn’t let it go. I got annoyed. I go, “Are you pregnant?” “Screw you. I’m not pregnant.” “Nothing wrong with being pregnant.” [LAUGHTER] But we made up eventually. We’re cool now, you know. She was like, “I should be honest.” “I was pregnant for about three months in college.” I was like, “Oh, that’s when I was gay.” [LAUGHTER] But, you know, I’m an idiot. Bad socially. I had a Tinder date ten years ago. Great date. One of those magical nights, everything clicked. Went back to her place. Fooling around, naked, giggling. She goes, “Your Tinder pic, you look like a serial killer.” I was like, “Damn, that’s not good.” Took the wind out of my sails. She goes, “What did you think of my pic?” “I thought you looked easy.” [LAUGHTER] That’s what she did. She flipped out. She went nuts. “Why are you mad? Nothing wrong with being easy.” “Serial killer? Way worse.” Right? “You said I look like I murder people. I said you look fun.” “Why are you mad? I should be mad at you.” I didn’t get it. Then I realized, I’m not a serial killer. [LAUGHTER] She is easy. [APPLAUSE, WHOOPING] That’s when I realized you can’t say what someone is to them. That’s mean. I learned that that night. You can’t say what someone is to them. I’d never call a retarded person retarded. That’s just mean. I’d call my friend retarded, ’cause he’s not retarded. If a friend spilled Pepsi on my laptop. “What are you doing, you retard?” If a retarded kid spilled Pepsi on my laptop, I’d be like, “Bubbles. Yay.” ‘Cause I’m not an asshole. I’m learning. “By the way, I went on a date with a girl that looks easy.” “You went on a date with a guy that looks like a killer.” “What, are you fucking retarded?” [LAUGHTER, CHEERING] Hmm. [APPLAUSE, WHOOPING] But I didn’t mean to insult the lady, you know. “You got a problem with easy women?” “I’m here. What are you talking about?” I think it’s crazy. It’s 2023. We still make women feel bad for being promiscuous. Sluts are the best, right? Why make them feel bad? The best time to be a promiscuous woman was Native American times. Inca, Aztec, Mayan. They used to sacrifice virgins to the gods. Throw them in a volcano. Holy shit. I’d be the biggest tramp on the reservation. It could save your life. Chief walks up. “Ma’am, crops are dying. We gotta sacrifice a virgin.” “Are you a virgin?” “No, huge whore.” “Huge whore.” “You are way off, baby. Way off, all right?” “I give the best arrowhead on this side of the wigwam, okay?” “You don’t know what you’re dealing with. I put the ‘ho’ in Navajo out here, okay?” Yeah, you know my tribe name, Spread Eagle? That’s me. Yeah. I think I like that system better. Reward the fun gals, get rid of the boring ones. You know there was some chief up on the volcano going, “You should’ve fucked me.” “Whoa. Hey. All right. Shit. Look at that.” Nothing wrong with being promiscuous. Don’t let anybody make you feel bad about that. But, ladies, you gotta own being sluts. Sometimes you slut-shame yourselves. That’s not gonna help the movement, huh? You have sex with a girl. You’re like, “I gotta go.” “You’re gonna leave? I feel like a whore.” It’s like, “Yeah, you are.” “And that’s okay.” “I don’t want you to think I’m a slut.” “No, I knew.” [LAUGHTER] There’s nothing wrong with it, remember? You can’t tell people not to slut-shame and do it to yourself. It kills me when I see women trashing promiscuous women. “How about Rachel? What a whore.” “What do you mean?” “She fucks a new guy every weekend.” “So what? What do you do?” Every girl goes, “I get dinner and drinks out of him. Spend some money first.” “Wait, you’re calling her a whore and you’re a prostitute.” [LAUGHTER] Isn’t that weirder? She’s banging guys she likes for free. You’re like, “How much lobster can I get with this clam?” Isn’t that way whorier? I don’t know. What do I know? I’m a feminist. But, you know. [LAUGHTER] A lot of prostitutes walk around my neighborhood. You’re supposed to say sex worker now, but I’ve given enough money, I should be able to call them whatever I want. But… [LAUGHTER] Sex is just such a strange thing. We all have sex. We like sex. You guys have sex. Please, send me a video. You know, sex is fun. We like it. If you charge for it, all of a sudden there’s a stigma. Weird. Sex is the only thing on earth that gets sadder when you go pro. Huh. Nothing else is like that. Maybe bowling. Hmm. “My friend’s a great bowler.” “That’s cool.” “My other friend’s a professional bowler.” “That’s a shame.” Either way, bowling or prostitution, holes are getting fingered in an alley. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Yeah, I’ve been with a lot of promiscuous gals in my day. Paid for a couple of big old aborshes. That’s a thing, you know. One time I left the abortion clinic with a lady and there’s a guy protesting. He goes, “You’re a goddamn murderer.” I don’t know about murderer. I really more just hired a hitman. [LAUGHTER] He’s like, “If it was up to me, you’d be in jail.” If I go to jail for this, I want murderer status. I wanna look tough. The guys talking. “What are you in for?” “Grand theft auto.” “Assault.” I’m like, “Murder.” They’re like, “Damn! Who’d you kill?” I’m like, “Huh! A relative.” [LAUGHTER] They’re like, “Whoa, why’d you do that?” I’m like, “Caught him inside my girl.” [CHUCKLES] I miss that gal. She was fun, she was wild. After the abortion, she was like, “We should celebrate with a drink.” I was like, “I don’t think you should drink on an empty stomach.” [LAUGHTER, GROANING] [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Ah. All right. [WHISTLING] Yeah. But, you know, it’s good you guys can come out for a yuk. I know times are weird. The economy’s in the toilet. Gas prices are higher than Hunter Biden. Who knows what’s going on out there, you know? All my friends are broke. One of my friends is broke but still buys the most crap. He just bought a Peloton. You ever see one of these things? Three grand for this thing. Imagine explaining a Peloton to someone in a Third World country. Some guy with no shoes on, on a dirt road, shabby clothes. “Whoa, you spent $3,000 on a bike? Must be pretty fast.” “Doesn’t move. Just sits in the living room.” “In the living room? When you pedal, it generates power for your home?” “No. Uses a lot of power. Got a big screen on the front.” “Big screen? When you use it, you watch funny TV shows?” “No, a better-looking person yells at you.” “Oh. This thing sounds terrible. What’s the upside?” “You eat too much takeout, you gotta burn some calories.” “Whoa, whoa. What’s takeout?” “That’s where a guy on a bicycle brings food to your house and you pay him.” [LAUGHTER] “Wait. This guy’s got a real bike and you give him money? Why not do that?” [SCOFFS] “What am I? A fucking immigrant? Come on.” That’s America. Yeah. Any immigrants here tonight? [WHOOPING] Hey, how are you? Where you from? China. [MARK] China? All right. Sorry about the balloons. But, um, all right. Good one. Good to have you. Thank you. Just don’t cough. [MAN] Ireland. Ireland? I was hoping for something browner. All right, okay. [LAUGHTER] Thanks for being here. And you seem sober, which is shocking. All right. [MAN] Pakistan. Pakistan? Hey, hopefully only one of us bombs. I don’t even know if that’s a thing. Um… Mexicans? Are you Mexican, sir? [WHOOPING] Yeah, you’d look cute in a cage. All right. Somebody check his papers, huh? All right. Sorry, that was a spicy one. Good to have you. Sorry, sir. That joke was over the line. And so are you. But, uh… I’m jealous of immigrants, I really am. My buddy’s a Mexican immigrant. Been here eight years. He loves America. He never thinks about the bad parts. We got a lot of bad history. Slavery, Civil Rights, oppressing women, homophobia. He’s like, “I just got here.” [LAUGHS] What a great position to be in. All the fun of America, not much of the hardship. It’s like becoming a firefighter on September 12th. [LAUGHTER] Immigrants are great. Immigrants tend to appreciate America more than most Americans. I’m from here, born and raised. I’m spoiled. I take it for granted. My grandparents are immigrants from Sicily. They never shut up. The American dream, the freedom, the opportunity. And I’m like, “Where the fuck’s my Uber Eats?” “Where the hell is that Pakistani with my food, goddammit?” Yeah. But I thought that was the big dream. You come to America, you make it big, you make a couple of bucks, you get rich. Boy, the rich thing is weird now. Feels like we hate rich people. Isn’t that weird? See that online a lot. “Fuck the rich, kill the rich, eat the rich.” Why are we all shitting on the thing we wanna be? Like making fun of old people. “Look at that old bastard. Probably shit his pants.” Yeah, that’s the goal. We’re all hypocrites. We all go to 7-Eleven, “Gimme that scratch-off.” Guy goes by in a Ferrari. [IMITATES CAR] “Rich prick. Come on, big money.” Which one is it? All of my friends are very left-leaning, liberal, “Down with hate, we gotta stop hate. But fuck rich people.” “That feels pretty hateful.” “Well, I hate the 1%.” Like, “Whoa, so you hate minorities?” We’re all so compassionate these days till someone’s doing better than you, then fuck them. Rich guy’s like, “My beach house burned down in Malibu.” “Boo-fucking-hoo.” He’s like, “Well, my kids were in there.” “I don’t get it. I invented something, now I don’t have feelings? Weird.” All these absolutes now. “Rich people are all evil.” That’s not how people work. They vary. Some are evil, some are nice. “Cops are all bad.” No, some are bad, some are awesome. “Teachers are heroes.” Some are heroes, some fuck their students. Right? [LAUGHTER] And that student is a hero. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. All right. [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] I don’t hate any group. I like all the groups, you know? I also like racial jokes. Yeah, those kind of went away. I grew up in a predominantly Black neighborhood. We’d say horrible things to each other. Everybody got along. You can’t make those jokes anymore, and we seem more tense than ever. It was fun. Cut the tension, you know? They’d be like, “Mark, you can’t dance.” I was like, “Well, you can’t swim. Ah!” We’re still friends to this day. Then some stiff white guy, “You can’t say that.” You don’t know our relationship. That’s what we do. You walk in on me choking my wife. “Call the police.” No, she loves that. [LAUGHTER] You don’t always know the relationship. We’re just so obsessed with race now, it’s always on my mind. On the phone with my insurance agent. “What color’s your car?” I was like, “Jeez. I thought you were progressive.” [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] And, look, I’m a pretty progressive guy. But sometimes we get so progressive these days we actually end up kinda racist again. I used to just have my friend. Now I’m very aware he’s my Black friend. “Don’t say anything stupid. Don’t offend him.” That’s not progress. I’m obsessed with his skin color now. Never thought about it before. Everything I say, I’m second-guessing. “You’re always banging your girlfriend. You’re like a sex slave.” Ah, shit. Ah. “No, I’m just saying, you know, you’re whipped.” Ah, damn. “No, I mean, you know, I just wanna hang.” [GROANS] He’s like, “Screw this, I’m outta here.” “All right, I’ll see you later.” Jesus Christ. Holy Hell. That’s not healthy. Hope no Jews are offended. We got any Jews here? [WHOOPING, WHISTLING] Hey, all right! Get ’em! [LAUGHTER] Just joking, Jews. Thanks for coming out. Love the tribe. And do something about this weather, will you? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I love the Jews. My Jewish friends and my Black friends butt heads a lot over who had it worse. That’s a big argument. Slavery or the Holocaust? Got heated one night, almost came to blows. My Black friend had to be like, “We’ve got stuff in common.” “Let’s focus on that. We’re both oppressed.” “Both contribute a lot to the arts, and our grandparents are both ashy.” [LAUGHTER, GROANING] [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Just saying, Jews and Black people, a lot in common. I go to my Black friend’s house, closet’s got a big pile of shoes. Go to the Holocaust Museum, there’s a big pile of… You get it. But, no. Big fan of the Jews. I hate to see the anti-Semitism bubbling up these days. That’s a bummer. Some people aren’t having it. I heard one guy go, “These Jews are acting like babies.” “These Jews are acting like babies.” I disagree. I think Jews are tough, I think they’re resilient. I do, however, think babies are acting like Jews. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I was at a diner last week with my buddy. He’s Jewish. A baby one table over. They were doing the same shit. Both wearing little hats, you know. Baby’s uncomfortable, squirming. I look at my friend, he’s like, “My back.” The bill came, they both shit their pants and left. But, you know, I make jokes, but I try to be a good honky ally to my Black brethren. An awkward moment for a white guy is going to see a slave movie with your Black friend. Awkward. Did that a few years back. Still haunts me. Hanging out with two Black guys. “We should see a movie.” “Hell, yeah.” “We should go see 12 Years A Slave.” I was like, “Ah. I’ll get the tickets.” [LAUGHTER] “It’s on me.” We had to see 12 Years A Slave in Harlem in the theater. I’m the only white guy in there. I’m so uncomfortable, I’m shaking. My friend’s like, “What’s your problem?” “I want to leave, but I can’t.” He’s like, “Now you know how the slaves felt.” God damn. He’s like, “We did 400 years. You can do two hours.” I was like, “Yes, Master.” [CHUCKLES] And that is how I made slavery about me. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] That’s what white people do. Yeah. But I think we’re making progress. We’ve got a Black mermaid now. That’s big. Yeah. Can’t have a Jewish mermaid, ’cause you guys can’t fuck with shellfish. But, you know. [LAUGHTER] We’ve got a Black mermaid. They’re making more. Pixar’s doing a Rapunzel movie. “Rapunzel, let down your hair.” Rapunzel’s gonna be Black. Which is cool. But the Prince is gonna be white. Gonna be awkward when he goes, “Rapunzel, let down your hair.” And she’s gonna be like, “You’re not touching this shit.” But it is horrible when you see some real racism go down. I was on the bus last week. Black guy tried to get on the bus. Driver’s like, “We’re full, buddy.” He’s like, “I’m just trying to get on the bus.” He goes, “You’re treating me like this ’cause I’m Black.” I’m like, man, that is messed up to treat someone differently ’cause they’re Black. Then I realized, wait a minute, we all do that. Black guy says the n-word, no big deal. White lady, you say the n-word, I get an erection. You know. [LAUGHTER] But sometimes you should treat groups differently, you know? If my white friend’s getting wild, “Dude, you’re crazy. You’re an animal.” If my Black friend’s getting wild, I’m like, “Dude.” “You’re crazy.” [CHUCKLES] I’m way nicer to Black people than I am to white people. I was at the gym, white guy playing his music really loud. We’re all like, “It’s a public space. It’s rude. Get the hell out of here.” He leaves. Twenty minutes later, a Black guy comes in. He starts playing his music really loud. We’re all like, “Good tunes, brother.” [LAUGHTER] I had a guy go, “You do that ’cause you’re scared of Black people.” I’m not scared of Black people. I’m scared of cell phone cameras. That is terrifying, you know? At a restaurant, a Black guy’s like, “I got you.” Like, “Whoa. I said vinegar. Vinegar. What the hell?” “Salt and vinegar.” That’s a dicey one. I like a dicey zinger. Some people get weird. You know who doesn’t like dicey jokes? TV writers. They’ve turned down everything I ever pitched. I pitched this great sitcom about the 9/11 terrorists, but of course, they shot down the pilot. But, you know. [LAUGHTER] I know. You guys are fun. A lot of crowds are sensitive. People are getting sensitive. My buddy is a vegan. Holy shit. I’m walking on eggshells around him. He really hates that. He’s a great guy, but going out to eat with him is a nightmare. He’s got to have the Impossible Burger. You know about this? Looks like meat, tastes like meat, feels like meat, but it’s not meat. Weird. You hate something but want something just like it. Huh. It’s like a lesbian with a strap-on. [LAUGHTER] You hate dick, but it looks like a dick, feels like a dick. I can’t believe it’s not dick. It’s beyond dick. We got any lesbians here tonight? [WHOOPING] Hey, all right. I think that was a guy. Uh… [LAUGHTER] Lesbians are underrepresented. I travel the country doing comedy. I see gay bars everywhere. They always have funny names, like The Manhole or The Back Door. Where’s all the fun lesbian bars? Where’s Clitz, with a z? Clitz. Perfect name for a lesbian bar, ’cause no guy could find it. [LAUGHTER] And we’ll put it right in the hood. Aha. [BELCHES] All right. Yeah. [CHEERING] Comedy. All right. [WHISTLING, APPLAUSE] But, hey, it’s good you guys are out now, ’cause you’re not watching the news. Too much news. The news is dark. It’s on 24/7. The news is more twisted than ever. Saw a news headline the other day. “Transgender inmate impregnates female prisoner.” I was like, “Wow.” “Where is that porn?” [LAUGHTER] I’ve been watching porn my whole life, never saw a title that creative, right? Man, the news is dark. The news is more fucked-up than porn now. And it’s on everywhere. Every airport, bar, restaurant. Put some porn on. I think we’d be in a better mood. I was at the Amtrak station the other day. There was news on the wall, on TV. “Man attacks multiple people on trains.” Jeez, I’m about to get on an Amtrak. Put some porn on, that’d be better. Then it’s, “Man runs a train on multiple people.” All right! Now I’m ready to board. Choo-choo. [LAUGHS] The news is crazy. Isn’t it weird we have two news channels in America that tell you two completely different news? How did that happen? Just tell me the news. I don’t want your spin or bias. Thank God we don’t do that with the weather. Wouldn’t that be insane, if we had political, opinionated weather? We’re going to the beach tomorrow, let’s check the left-wing weather. Boop. “Hey, folks. 90 degrees outside. Beautiful day for an abortion.” [LAUGHTER] “We got some dark clouds coming in. Excuse me, clouds of color.” “And, as you can see, we’ve got tropical storm Kelly brewing.” “Slowly transitions to Hurricane Kevin, but we don’t judge.” “We’re not sure what the future holds, but it’s female. Back to you, they/them.” Holy moly, I was just trying to get the goddamn weather. That was weird. I got nothing out of that. All right. Let’s check the right-wing weather. Maybe that will be more informative. Boop. “Hey, folks. Grab your boots, it’s 100% chance of storming the Capitol.” “Oh yeah. Gonna be a lot of hailing and heiling out there, and…” [LAUGHTER] “We got some ice in the Midwest.” “We need some ICE at the border, I’ll tell you that right now.” “Grab your coats, ’cause we hate snowflakes. Ooh!” “Praise the Lord, and back to you, sugar tits.” [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Uh-huh. All right. Yeah, the news, it’s all politics now. I’m so sick of politics. It’s the new sports team. People make it their whole personality. It’s fricking exhausting. Yeah. I look at politicians the same way I look at CBD gummies. A lot of people believe in them, but I’m not sure they do anything. They don’t fix problems anymore, just change the name. “We’re not in a recession, it’s a financial hiccup.” What? We’re all broke. The banks are failing. What are you talking about? They do it with everything. “He’s not obese, he’s a person of size.” What? He’s fat as shit. [LAUGHTER] “He’s not homeless, he’s unhoused.” He just diarrhea-d on my porch. Like, who cares what we’re calling it. Let’s fix it. How long till bad guys start doing that? “I’m not racist, I’m ethnically choosy.” Hmm? “I’m not a school shooter, I’m a student body minimizer.” Huh? [APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER] Ah, school shootings. It’s a problem. It’s a problem in this country. I was just in Canada. They’re nicer than us. They don’t shoot each other. They stab. Isn’t that nice? It’s kinda romantic. We shoot in America. More efficient. Shooting somebody is like breaking up via text. Easy, no mess. Stabbing is like breaking up in person. You see that look in their eye. “I know. This is hard for me too.” Get back to your buddy, “How’d it go?” You’re like, “She fucking freaked out.” [LAUGHTER] Another reason women are better than men, you don’t see a lot of female school shooters. What’s going on there? I googled it, there’s been two. Huh. Anybody ever heard of them? Isn’t that weird? Whether it’s gun violence or the WNBA… [LAUGHTER] …nobody’s watching these female shooters. Man or woman. Gotta put up some more numbers, ladies. [APPLAUSE] I think I can solve school shootings. I know people love guns. It’s America, people wanna buy a gun. But I think if a high-school kid buys a semiautomatic weapon, that should be a big deal. That should be public. Let’s make that an event, like a wedding. You gotta send invitations, get your family to the gun shop. The shop owner, he’s like the priest. He holds up the gun, “If anyone has any objections, speak now, or this guy will forever own this piece.” And we get some feedback. “I’m his uncle. I don’t think he should have that gun ’cause he was molested.” “I know that ’cause I did it.” [LAUGHTER] “Probably a bad idea.” I think half of these shooter kids are incel, virgin weirdos. They need to get laid, but it’s harder to get laid than it is to buy a gun. You can buy a gun at Walmart. You don’t wanna fuck anybody at Walmart. That’s why every gun shop should double as a whorehouse. Slow these kids down a little bit, you know? Some angry kid comes in, “I need an AR-15.” We’re like, “Whoa, whoa. How about a Brazilian 18?” [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] Yeah! [CHEERING] Yeah. Then some kid has sex with her, goes back to school, he’s like, “What the fuck was I so angry about?” “Holy hell. Life is good!” Someone’s like, “Are you smoking?” He’s like, “No, I’m paying a hooker.” [LAUGHTER] All right, thanks a lot. I’m Kevin Hart. You guys are great. Have a good night. Comedy! Thank you. Queef it up! Praise Allah! I’m gay! [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] [WHISTLING, CHEERING] [MUSIC CONTINUES] | [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] This is getting off the rails here. What’s that now? – [MAN] Italian. [MARK] Italians? What are you doing here? You should be hitting your wife. All right. What’s that over there? [MAN SHOUTS] Epstein! Epstein. I’ve been to the island. Um… – [LAUGHTER] I was 14. I got to meet Bill Gates. Ah. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] You know, Ghislaine, she got 20 years. R. Kelly got 30, you know. She’s gotta be thinking, “Thank God I didn’t pee on those kids.” [MAN] How big is your cock? How big’s my cock? I don’t know, ask your mom. But, uh… [LAUGHS] [CHEERING] [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] [CELL PHONE RINGING] Hello? [MAN] Hey, Mark, it’s Seinfeld. I’m just kidding. Where the hell are you? You’re late. I’m coming right now. [MUSIC CONTINUES] [CROWD CHEERING] [AUDIENCE CHEERING] [WHISTLING, APPLAUSE] [ANNOUNCER] Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Hart! [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] [WHISTLING, CHEERING] [MARK] All right. Here we go. We got it. All right. Yeah. Come on. [WHOOPING] Here we go. Comedy, huh? Yeah. [CHEERING] Hey, we’re really doing it, folks. Good to be here. Thanks for coming out. You guys can put ’em back in this town, you know. [WHOOPING] Yeah. I drink too much too. I gotta cut back. You know, they say two and a half million people die every year from alcohol? Which is sad, but think about how many people it produces. [LAUGHTER] Gotta be like three-to-one, you know? If my parents didn’t drink, I might not be here. I’m definitely gonna name my kids after the substance that got them conceived. “This is my daughter, Tequila. This is my son, Jäger.” “What about that kid hugging your leg?” “Ha! That’s Molly.” [LAUGHTER] Man, I was hungover last week. Couldn’t get out of bed. You ever been so hungover, you see what you’re gonna be like as an old person? When you’re real hungover, you turn into a senior citizen. You wake up, you don’t know how you got there. Your body hurts, you’re weak, you’re shaking, you’re popping pills. Someone’s like, “Where are your friends?” You’re like, “I lost ’em all.” [LAUGHTER] Your buddies talk about you like you’re old. “We took him out last night. He shit himself.” “He made a scene, he fell.” “He blamed everything on China.” [LAUGHS] When I was in college, I got a DUI. I had to volunteer at an old folks’ home. They were 98, I was hungover. We were exactly the same. Both shuffling down the hallway in our pajamas. Some old lady’s like, “When’s the pain gonna end?” I’m like, “I know, right?” She’s like, “They took away my license.” I’m like, “Same here.” She’s like, “I got an STD in this place.” I was like, “Yeah. My bad.” [LAUGHTER] That’s drinking for you. It’s fun, but it’ll get you into trouble. My friend got drunk one night, blacked out, hooked up with somebody, got herpes. Yeah. So he quit drinking. [QUIETLY] Kept the herpes, but… [LAUGHTER] But booze was our whole relationship. Now every time we hang out he wants to do activities. Horseback riding, canoeing, cycling. I’m like, “Just ’cause you have herpes doesn’t mean we have to live out the commercial.” [LAUGHTER] He’s like, “You don’t get it. I got side effects.” “I got suicidal thoughts, insomnia, depression.” I was like, “Shit, maybe I have herpes.” [CHUCKLES] When I was younger, everybody smoked cigarettes when they drank. That’s over. Anybody still rippin’ butts? [WHOOPING] Hey, all right, we got a couple. You guys are rare now. When I was a kid, everybody smoked. My mom, my grandmother. Now smoking’s kinda shameful. Weed used to be a drug, used to put you in jail. Now weed got its medical degree and turned its life around. [LAUGHTER] Those two completely traded places. You wanna smoke a cigarette now, you gotta go behind a dumpster. People are like, “What are you doing?” You’re like, “Uh, paying a hooker.” [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] “I’m not smoking, I’ll tell you that right now.” On the flip side, you can pop an edible at noon. [SPACED] “Hey, I have anxiety. Whoa.” Those two flipped. If my mom had caught me smoking weed, she’d have sent me to boarding school. Now your mom finds your weed, she’s like, “Sativa? What a pussy.” [LAUGHTER] Weed’s everywhere now. It’s borderline healthy. How do you punish a kid for smoking weed these days? I got caught smoking cigarettes. My dad made me smoke the whole pack. It was hell. What do you do with a kid with weed now? “We found a roach in your room. You gotta smoke this whole eighth.” He’d be like, “Well, put on The Office, ’cause…” [LAUGHTER] “…we’re going in.” I was high the other day, walking round New York. I saw a blind guy being walked into traffic by his seeing-eye dog. I stepped in. “Whoa, buddy, can I give you a hand?” He goes, “I don’t need your charity, you piece of shit.” I was like, “Hey, blind guy.” “I’m over here.” [LAUGHTER] Also, can you afford to be a prick? You’re pretty vulnerable. I could just nut-check you. You’d never see it coming. I was fascinated with this mean blind guy. I’m watching him with his seeing-eye dog. I thought, you know what? Who picks up his shit? [LAUGHTER] The blind guy’s not doing it. This might be the best life hack of all time. I’m gonna steal that. Next time I walk my dog, I’m not bringing plastic bags. I’m bringing some sunglasses and a wiggly stick, right? My dog takes a crap, some guy’s like, “‘Scuse me, sir.” I’m like, “I’ve never seen a sunset.” [LAUGHTER] “Must be nice.” It’s too expensive where I live. Everybody’s got nine roommates. I used to live with a gay guy. Any gay guys here? [QUIET WHOOP] Hey, all right. Good to have you. Thanks for coming out. [LAUGHTER] Um, yeah. [APPLAUSE] Uh-huh. [CHEERING] Yeah. [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Yeah. My gay roommate was great. He was always on the prowl. That’s what’s gotta be nice about being gay. You like dick, and you have one. Hmm. That’s pretty good. I like vagina. You know how much work it was to get vagina? You gotta go out and tell a story and lie. [LAUGHTER] But a gay guy’s like, “Man, I want some dick tonight.” “Ah, I struck out.” “What do we have here?” [LAUGHTER] “Hey, things are looking up!” That’s why I never understood homophobic guys. You know, “How could a man ever suck a dick?” I’m like, “I’ve tried, it’s just not long enough.” [LAUGHTER] I’ve done a ton of gay shit to me, right? Every guy in here is super gay for their dick, right? Sir, you’ve given a million hand jobs to one dick, you know? ‘Cause dicks are like kids. You like your own, but the other ones are weird. [LAUGHTER] Men even treat their dicks like kids. We wash it, we take care of it, we name it. We go, “You wanna see a photo?” People go, “No, thank you.” The only difference is, you beat your kid at the mall, nobody stops you. [CHUCKLES] [APPLAUSE, WHOOPING] I grew up in Louisiana. A lot of homophobia. I grew up with a guy who hated gay people. He was obsessed with gay guys taking the rainbow. That was his big beef. “Gay guys took the rainbow.” That might be the gayest complaint I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Took the rainbow? They just made it their flag. And we all know, God hates flags. But… [LAUGHTER] A better argument would be mentally challenged people taking the word “special.” That’s a better argument. That word’s changed a lot over the years. Special ed, special needs, Special Olympics. It’s confusing now. I go to a restaurant, “Wanna hear the specials?” I’m like, “What the fuck you guys cooking?” “What the hell’s going on in that kitchen, huh?” Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s slow-cooked. But either way, I don’t know. [CHEERING] [APPLAUSE] Mm, mm, mm. [WHOOPING] But, you know… These are weird times we’re living in. We’re hung up on sexual orientation these days. Like transgender, what do you think? It’s a tough one. Yeah. It’s a hot button issue. People get worked up. On the news, “Gender neutral bathrooms. Should be a man and a woman.” “I don’t wanna shit next to trans person.” Whoa, dude. I don’t wanna shit next to anybody, okay? I’ve never thought about the type of person I’m shitting next to. Who’s got time to decipher someone’s background when you gotta take a dump? If I get diarrhea at a restaurant, I run to the bathroom. I’m not like, “Oh no, a Puerto Rican.” “Agh!” “I can’t take a BM next to a PR. What the hell?” I agree there should be two bathrooms, not divided by gender. I think you should divide it by pissing and shitting. Hmm. I don’t care who I’m shitting next to as long as they’re also shitting, right? But if I walk into the shit room and see a trans person piss, I’m gonna go, “Hey, you’d better transition to a shit right now.” [LAUGHTER] “You’re in the wrong room, sister.” “Brother. Whatever.” But there’s a big debate these days. “Are biological women the same as trans women?” “Are the different? The same? Boopity boop.” I think it’s like Coke and Pepsi. Always that one guy, “I love Coke, but I hate Pepsi.” “All I got’s Pepsi.” “I hate that shit.” Hand him a Pepsi, “Here’s a Coke.” He goes, “This is pretty good.” I’m like, “Well, you just fucked a trans person.” [LAUGHTER] [WHOOPING, APPLAUSE] Yeah, it’s all fluid, right? There’ll always be that guy who goes, “Some people have no gender.” Yeah, that’s Coke Zero. [CHUCKLES] But what the hell do I know? I grew up in the ’90s. It was like, “I don’t see color.” “We’re all the same. Treat everybody equally.” Now, we’re obsessed with everyone’s differences. You flip through HBO Max, it’s all these categories. “Trans Stories.” “Strong Black Women.” “Asian Culture.” I know you’re trying to be progressive, but porn’s been doing this shit for 30 years. [LAUGHTER] You’re never gonna out-inclusive porn. All these networks patting themselves on the back. “We have a gay section.” Porn’s like, “We have a gay, senior citizen, dwarf in a wheelchair section.” “You’re not more open-minded than us, right?” Talk about representation. I’ve been watching Asian culture since high school. HBO’s like, “We have a family section.” Porn’s like, “We got that and stepfamily. Come on.” But Chicago, gotta be said, beautiful women in this town. I mean… [WHOOPING] None here. But, uh… [LAUGHTER] I’m joking. I’ll go down on you. But, you know… [LAUGHTER] Ladies, you look great. Beautiful. Definitely the better-looking gender, I think we all agree. Like, ladies, you guys are even sexy on accident. You see a woman bend over or see down her shirt for a second. You’re like, “Whoa!” That’s a great moment. You see a guy in short shorts, something pops out. You’re like, “Oh, call the police.” [LAUGHTER] Yeah, the female form, it’s a work of art. Ladies, you look better the more skin you’re showing. Bikini, lingerie, mini skirt. Men look better the more covered up we are. Business suit, tuxedo, man in uniform. I think a female strip club should be a guy coming out naked and slowly putting clothing on, you know? Some lady’s like, “Whoo! Put on that blazer! Yeah!” By the end, she’s like, “Oh damn, he’s an astronaut.” [SIGHS] Ladies, you’re so hot, you touch your own body in bed. You’re on top like, “Oh yeah.” No guy wants to touch himself. No guy’s like, “All right, look at that.” No. ‘Cause I think you’re more turned on by men’s skills than our actual looks. Men, we’re all visual. We go to a strip club, “Yeah, dance on that pole.” At a female strip club, it’s more like, “Yeah, install that pole.” Hey? [LAUGHTER] And you’re so mysterious. We have no idea what turns you on. You know everything that turns us on. We don’t know what you like. I asked my wife, “What turns you on?” She goes, “I like a man who listens.” I don’t know. I tuned out. But… [LAUGHTER] Every woman’s different. I asked a friend, “What turns you on?” She goes, “I like a man with intelligence.” How does that work in the bedroom? Some guy’s like, “Ah, hypotenuse.” [LAUGHTER] I’m not a big strip club guy. I’m too awkward. I’m not cool. Some guys are good at strip clubs. Getting a lap dance, they’re like, “Yeah, bitch.” Or whatever. I don’t know. I’m too awkward. I was in the back room once, getting a dance. Lady’s grinding me. She’s like, “What do you do?” I’m like, “I’m a comedian.” She goes, “Tell me a joke.” I was like, “Look, I’m not at work. You are.” [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] She didn’t like that joke. [WHOOPING] Yeah. [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] But hey, I’m doing all right. I had sex with my wife today. Or, as she calls it, microdosing. And, uh… [LAUGHTER] I remember when we got engaged. She was like, “You gotta post about the engagement.” I was like, “Why? This is between us. Who cares about social media?” She’s like, “I want people to know.” “Well, I want you to post about that threesome we had.” She’s like, “Why would I do that?” I’m like, “I want people to know.” She’s like, “Are you kidding? This is a bond between two people.” I’m like, “This is better, it’s a bond between three.” She’s like, “I’ve been dreaming about this since I was a kid.” I was like, “Ah…” A lot of girls dream about a wedding. A lot of boys dream about a threesome. And the dream is very similar. Who we’ll invite, where we’ll do it, and we gotta get a photographer. [LAUGHTER] She’s a great egg, but I can always find a new way to piss her off. Touched her stomach the other day, she flipped out. She’s got a nice stomach, just self-conscious about it. People talk about private parts, like boobs are a private part. I walk in a room, grab my girl’s boobs, she’s like, “Hey, how are ya?” I grab her stomach, she’s like, “You wanna fucking die today?” That’s a private part, right? In the bedroom, she’ll cover it up so I can’t see it. Which I get, ’cause I feel the same way about my butt hole. I don’t want anybody seeing that thing. Even after wild sex, I still have to walk out of the room backwards. The stomach for a woman is the butt hole for a man. The condition of both is very dependent on diet. [LAUGHTER, WHOOPING] She’ll be like, “I can’t hook up, I had a burrito.” I’m like, “Same here.” But, like any couple, we fight. We got into it last week. She’s like, “I’m gonna level with you. I need more compliments.” I was like, “Oh shit.” So I took her to a construction site. Oh. But it gets confusing. We were walking around and a homeless guy catcalled her. “Nice ass, baby!” I was like, “There you go, huh?” She’s like, “What are you gonna do about that guy?” “I’m gonna go over and give that guy a couple of bucks.” She’s like, “I don’t want a compliment from him.” I’m like, “A compliment’s a compliment.” She’s like, “I’ll take you to a gay bar, see how you like it.” We go to a gay bar, guys are all over me. “What do you think about that?” I was like, “I fucking love it.” So… So that backfired, you know? The new fight is, I bought a vintage car. She hates this car. She goes, “I think you like the car more than you like me.” It’s not that I like it more, it’s just easier to understand. Let’s be honest, ladies. You can be vague and secretive. Car’s pretty cut and dry. Out of gas? Empty. Overheated? Hot. There’s no game for the car. The engine of a car has never caught on fire and the dashboard says, “I’m fine.” [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Hmm. [WHOOPING] Yeah. I don’t know. [WHISTLING] Men compare women to cars all the time. Ladies, you’re the opposite of a car. Your car is quiet, it’s running great. Girlfriend’s quiet, you’re in deep shit. Girlfriends and cars have nothing in common. Except for the fact that my last one was stolen by a Black guy. [GROANS] [LAUGHTER] I think men are more like cars. We’re gassy, we’re fixer-uppers. We kill people sometimes, right? And, ladies, if we stop working, you can just go electric. [IMITATES BUZZING] I think men are more like cars. Ladies, you’re more like horses. Beautiful creatures, long legs, ponytail. Expensive to feed, always need new shoes, we slap you on the ass, and once we see you take a shit, the magic’s over. But… [LAUGHTER] But we got some couples here tonight, huh? There you go. You guys swing? No. Um… You can tell you’re close with your lady when she starts farting around you. I think that’s the true test. And I get it, ladies. It’s a biological function. But can we keep it under ten a day? What do you think? You don’t want that to become your thing. You’re at a party. “Who ripped one?” “Classic Claire.” [CHUCKLES] “Every time.” Farting for a woman’s a tough look. Farting for a woman is like crying for a man. We all pretend to be open-minded, but that shit’s a bummer, you know? [LAUGHTER] The other day, I was going down on her. She farted, I started crying. She was like, “Aw, you need a tissue?” I was like, “Do you?” [LAUGHTER] What about fart’s wacky cousin, queef? Yes. [CHEERING] Love a good queef. [WHOOPING] A lot of ladies get self-conscious, embarrassed. I say queef it up, sister. It’s nice to see that thing talking for once. Love a queef. Big fan of the queef. I went down on a girl once, she queefed, my hair went… [EXHALES] It’s a hell of a time. You know what a queef’s like? It’s like when the subway goes by and you get that dirty air, you know? Sure, it’s not the most sanitary, but it’s hot down there, it’s refreshing, goddammit! I’m pro-queef. But you gotta be empathetic to the queefs, fellas. Ladies, you’re more empathetic, more thoughtful. You think about others. Men don’t think about others. We think about ourselves, you know? I go to dinner with my girl, she says, “Can’t eat here, the chef’s homophobic.” I’m like, “Great, we’re not gay. We’re good.” Yeah? That’s how I think. Men don’t think about others. I was watching tennis with my buddy. I go, “You know this guy hit his wife?” My friend goes, “Yeah, he’s got a great backhand.” Jesus Christ. You’re deeper, ladies. More emotionally intelligent. Ask a woman what she likes in a guy, she’ll tell you what she likes because of how it makes her feel. “I like guys who are strong. I feel safe.” “I like guys with money. I feel taken care of.” Guys tell you what we like, not how we feel. “What do you like in a woman?” “A fat ass.” “Hmm. How’s that make you feel?” “Hard? I don’t know.” Gotta be tough to be a lady in a lot of ways. Some perks, ladies, you know. Like, you’re allowed to announce your standards in public. When men announce their standards, we look shittier. I was hanging out with some friends. We’re drinking. Talking about our type. My gay friend was like, “I like muscles on a man.” All right, gay guy, muscles. My lady friend, “I like a tall guy.” Yeah, women like tall guys. “What do you like, Mark?” “Skinny girls with big tits.” They all went, “Oh, what a fucking asshole.” “How come you’re allowed to shame me for what I’m attracted to?” “You guys were shallow. Why can’t I be?” “You like tall guys. I’m not a tall guy. I wasn’t like, ‘Classic whore.'” I’d rather be taller but that’s my issue. She’s like, “It’s messed up you won’t sleep with certain women.” “What about the gay guy? He won’t fuck any women. Yell at him.” [LAUGHTER] You wanna be a good guy, it just gets confusing. Ladies, where are we at on objectifying women? Is that bad? It’s tough. Some women say, “Don’t ever objectify a woman.” But ladies, you do it all day long. Any time a woman posts on Instagram, every girl’s like, “Beautiful.” “Stunning.” “Sexy.” Never seen a woman write, “Smart.” [LAUGHTER] Huh. Interesting. Ladies, you don’t like when men objectify women if they’re hot. But if they’re traditionally unattractive, you love it. Smoking hot girl walks in. “Damn, she’s sexy as hell.” “Easy, creep.” If a lady rolls in on a scooter with an eye patch, “Damn, she’s sexy as hell.” “This is a great guy right here.” Isn’t he still a creep? If you’re not threatened, you’re on board. A guy puts up a poster in his cubicle, big breasted swimsuit models, “Jeez, you pig.” “Oh no, they’re trans.” “Hey, good for you.” [LAUGHTER] But isn’t he still a pig? “Is that a Victoria’s Secret poster?” “Yeah, it’s the one with Down’s syndrome.” “Oh, carry on. Carry on.” [GROANING] Like, why does that make it okay? How about that, a Victoria’s Secret model with Down’s syndrome. That’s exciting. Yeah, she’s really pretty. I mean, I’d go downs on her. You know. [LAUGHTER] Good for her. I support. I’m on board. I’m a fan. I feel bad for the girl who didn’t get the job. “Who got it?” “You don’t wanna know.” “Kill yourself. Get out of town. Change career. Don’t tell anybody.” But I also understand, ladies. You’ve been held down by your looks for generations. That sucks. My brother’s got a cute little daughter. My mom got her a Barbie. The wife’s like, “No daughter of mine is playing with Barbie.” “Why not?” “Barbie sets unrealistic body standards for girls.” Of course Barbie’s unrealistic. That’s why kids like her. Nobody wants a realistic toy. Like every man toy. Twelve-pack, huge arms, giant legs. They’re toys. “She’s gonna think she has to look like her.” No, she’s not. I’ve never heard of a girl with a Barbie, “Damn, guess I gotta cut off my nipples.” [LAUGHTER] Girls aren’t stupid. I get it. It’s a new day. Gotta be inclusive. Gotta have plus-size Barbie, Chinese Barbie, blind Barbie. You know who’s never changed? Ken. Huh. Ken’s a good-looking guy, full head of hair. There’s no bald Ken, drunk Ken, abusive Ken. Nobody wants a realistic Ken. He pulls up in the Dream Car, gets a DUI. Barbie’s like, “I told you so.” He’s like, “Shut up, you fucking skank. I’ll kill you” Nobody wants that. [APPLAUSE, WHOOPING] Yeah. [CHEERING, WHISTLING] If you ask me, Ken is quietly the most inclusive, ’cause he’ll fuck any Barbie. He doesn’t give a shit. “What is that? Wheelchair Barbie? Yeah, roll her over here, I don’t care.” Now, that’s inclusive. I would’ve killed for a Barbie growing up. My parents wouldn’t buy us any cool toys. They bought us board games. [GROANS] Even the names of board games are a bummer. Sorry. Right? Trouble. Operation. And the saddest of all, Life. [GROANS] What kind of twisted, messed up game for a kid is Life? Life’s hard, life sucks. You play games to escape life, not dive right in. You got a kid outdoors, playing with his friends. You drag him inside to play a game about mortgage and divorce? [GROANS] That’s too real. “Pick a card, Timmy. What’d you get?” “I got herpes.” “It says you sent a tweet ten years ago that came back to haunt you.” “You’re fired.” “Man, life sucks.” [LAUGHTER] Hate a board game. Remember Clue? I hated Clue. Professor Plum in the study with the candlestick. That’s not relatable. Who’s dying from a candlestick? You gotta update that stuff. Make it stuff that kills people now. Peanuts. [LAUGHTER] Gender reveal party. Fentanyl. Cops. Update it. Mark Normand in the hotel room under the BBW. [LAUGHTER] That’s how I wanna go. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Yeah. I did mention Fentanyl. We have an opioid crisis. [MAN WHOOPS] Nobody seems to give a shit. That guy’s hopped up. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Yeah. When I was a kid, all I heard was weed was the gateway drug. Remember? “Weed is the gateway drug.” I disagree. I think it’s cereal. All that sugar? Cereal’s getting kids high way younger than weed. Kids look like addicts when they wake up. “Damn, I need a bowl.” I mean, diabetes, obesity. We pump that shit into kids early. That’s why half the cereals are named after drugs. Smacks. Right? Special K. You know? Golden Grahams. Already dealing in grams. I don’t know. If you go down the cereal aisle in Australia or Europe, it’s all health food. Heart healthy. Wholegrain. Fiber. The cereal aisle in America is like a fucking acid trip, right? It’s just bright colors and wacky cartoon characters. Every cereal mascot looks like a cracked-out addict, you know? You got a paranoid leprechaun and a jacked-up rabbit stealing shit from kids. Tony the Tiger’s clearly coked-up. [STRAINED] “They’re great, yeah!” How about that wide-eyed toucan? “Hey, kids. Follow your nose.” [CHUCKLES] Yeah. I know fentanyl and opioid and all that stuff’s dark. I like dark humor. Some people get upset. Everybody’s entitled to their opinion. To each his anal. But, you know. You’ve gotta admit, though, if we’re a society that gets upset about jokes, that’s a sign we got it pretty goddamn good, you know. Guy in Ukraine’s getting his face shot. We got people here like, “Zingers, ugh.” Always blows my mind when somebody gets really upset about comedy. I told a joke, this guy got pissed. He goes, “Apologize for that joke.” I’m like, “Sorry?” He goes, “You didn’t mean that.” I’m like, “I didn’t mean the joke either, you queef.” [LAUGHTER] “What are we doing here?” [APPLAUSE, WHOOPING] But, you know, maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s me. I’m too literal. Literal guy. Definitely hurt me in some social interactions, you know. Just last week, I was at a party. Girl comes up to me. She goes, “Are you gay?” “Nah, I’m not gay.” She goes, “Whoa. Nothing wrong with being gay” I’m like, “I know. Just saying I’m not.” “You’re getting defensive.” “Well, I’m not gay.” “There’s nothing wrong with it.” “I know, but I’m not.” She wouldn’t let it go. I got annoyed. I go, “Are you pregnant?” “Screw you. I’m not pregnant.” “Nothing wrong with being pregnant.” [LAUGHTER] But we made up eventually. We’re cool now, you know. She was like, “I should be honest.” “I was pregnant for about three months in college.” I was like, “Oh, that’s when I was gay.” [LAUGHTER] But, you know, I’m an idiot. Bad socially. I had a Tinder date ten years ago. Great date. One of those magical nights, everything clicked. Went back to her place. Fooling around, naked, giggling. She goes, “Your Tinder pic, you look like a serial killer.” I was like, “Damn, that’s not good.” Took the wind out of my sails. She goes, “What did you think of my pic?” “I thought you looked easy.” [LAUGHTER] That’s what she did. She flipped out. She went nuts. “Why are you mad? Nothing wrong with being easy.” “Serial killer? Way worse.” Right? “You said I look like I murder people. I said you look fun.” “Why are you mad? I should be mad at you.” I didn’t get it. Then I realized, I’m not a serial killer. [LAUGHTER] She is easy. [APPLAUSE, WHOOPING] That’s when I realized you can’t say what someone is to them. That’s mean. I learned that that night. You can’t say what someone is to them. I’d never call a retarded person retarded. That’s just mean. I’d call my friend retarded, ’cause he’s not retarded. If a friend spilled Pepsi on my laptop. “What are you doing, you retard?” If a retarded kid spilled Pepsi on my laptop, I’d be like, “Bubbles. Yay.” ‘Cause I’m not an asshole. I’m learning. “By the way, I went on a date with a girl that looks easy.” “You went on a date with a guy that looks like a killer.” “What, are you fucking retarded?” [LAUGHTER, CHEERING] Hmm. [APPLAUSE, WHOOPING] But I didn’t mean to insult the lady, you know. “You got a problem with easy women?” “I’m here. What are you talking about?” I think it’s crazy. It’s 2023. We still make women feel bad for being promiscuous. Sluts are the best, right? Why make them feel bad? The best time to be a promiscuous woman was Native American times. Inca, Aztec, Mayan. They used to sacrifice virgins to the gods. Throw them in a volcano. Holy shit. I’d be the biggest tramp on the reservation. It could save your life. Chief walks up. “Ma’am, crops are dying. We gotta sacrifice a virgin.” “Are you a virgin?” “No, huge whore.” “Huge whore.” “You are way off, baby. Way off, all right?” “I give the best arrowhead on this side of the wigwam, okay?” “You don’t know what you’re dealing with. I put the ‘ho’ in Navajo out here, okay?” Yeah, you know my tribe name, Spread Eagle? That’s me. Yeah. I think I like that system better. Reward the fun gals, get rid of the boring ones. You know there was some chief up on the volcano going, “You should’ve fucked me.” “Whoa. Hey. All right. Shit. Look at that.” Nothing wrong with being promiscuous. Don’t let anybody make you feel bad about that. But, ladies, you gotta own being sluts. Sometimes you slut-shame yourselves. That’s not gonna help the movement, huh? You have sex with a girl. You’re like, “I gotta go.” “You’re gonna leave? I feel like a whore.” It’s like, “Yeah, you are.” “And that’s okay.” “I don’t want you to think I’m a slut.” “No, I knew.” [LAUGHTER] There’s nothing wrong with it, remember? You can’t tell people not to slut-shame and do it to yourself. It kills me when I see women trashing promiscuous women. “How about Rachel? What a whore.” “What do you mean?” “She fucks a new guy every weekend.” “So what? What do you do?” Every girl goes, “I get dinner and drinks out of him. Spend some money first.” “Wait, you’re calling her a whore and you’re a prostitute.” [LAUGHTER] Isn’t that weirder? She’s banging guys she likes for free. You’re like, “How much lobster can I get with this clam?” Isn’t that way whorier? I don’t know. What do I know? I’m a feminist. But, you know. [LAUGHTER] A lot of prostitutes walk around my neighborhood. You’re supposed to say sex worker now, but I’ve given enough money, I should be able to call them whatever I want. But… [LAUGHTER] Sex is just such a strange thing. We all have sex. We like sex. You guys have sex. Please, send me a video. You know, sex is fun. We like it. If you charge for it, all of a sudden there’s a stigma. Weird. Sex is the only thing on earth that gets sadder when you go pro. Huh. Nothing else is like that. Maybe bowling. Hmm. “My friend’s a great bowler.” “That’s cool.” “My other friend’s a professional bowler.” “That’s a shame.” Either way, bowling or prostitution, holes are getting fingered in an alley. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Yeah, I’ve been with a lot of promiscuous gals in my day. Paid for a couple of big old aborshes. That’s a thing, you know. One time I left the abortion clinic with a lady and there’s a guy protesting. He goes, “You’re a goddamn murderer.” I don’t know about murderer. I really more just hired a hitman. [LAUGHTER] He’s like, “If it was up to me, you’d be in jail.” If I go to jail for this, I want murderer status. I wanna look tough. The guys talking. “What are you in for?” “Grand theft auto.” “Assault.” I’m like, “Murder.” They’re like, “Damn! Who’d you kill?” I’m like, “Huh! A relative.” [LAUGHTER] They’re like, “Whoa, why’d you do that?” I’m like, “Caught him inside my girl.” [CHUCKLES] I miss that gal. She was fun, she was wild. After the abortion, she was like, “We should celebrate with a drink.” I was like, “I don’t think you should drink on an empty stomach.” [LAUGHTER, GROANING] [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Ah. All right. [WHISTLING] Yeah. But, you know, it’s good you guys can come out for a yuk. I know times are weird. The economy’s in the toilet. Gas prices are higher than Hunter Biden. Who knows what’s going on out there, you know? All my friends are broke. One of my friends is broke but still buys the most crap. He just bought a Peloton. You ever see one of these things? Three grand for this thing. Imagine explaining a Peloton to someone in a Third World country. Some guy with no shoes on, on a dirt road, shabby clothes. “Whoa, you spent $3,000 on a bike? Must be pretty fast.” “Doesn’t move. Just sits in the living room.” “In the living room? When you pedal, it generates power for your home?” “No. Uses a lot of power. Got a big screen on the front.” “Big screen? When you use it, you watch funny TV shows?” “No, a better-looking person yells at you.” “Oh. This thing sounds terrible. What’s the upside?” “You eat too much takeout, you gotta burn some calories.” “Whoa, whoa. What’s takeout?” “That’s where a guy on a bicycle brings food to your house and you pay him.” [LAUGHTER] “Wait. This guy’s got a real bike and you give him money? Why not do that?” [SCOFFS] “What am I? A fucking immigrant? Come on.” That’s America. Yeah. Any immigrants here tonight? [WHOOPING] Hey, how are you? Where you from? China. [MARK] China? All right. Sorry about the balloons. But, um, all right. Good one. Good to have you. Thank you. Just don’t cough. [MAN] Ireland. Ireland? I was hoping for something browner. All right, okay. [LAUGHTER] Thanks for being here. And you seem sober, which is shocking. All right. [MAN] Pakistan. Pakistan? Hey, hopefully only one of us bombs. I don’t even know if that’s a thing. Um… Mexicans? Are you Mexican, sir? [WHOOPING] Yeah, you’d look cute in a cage. All right. Somebody check his papers, huh? All right. Sorry, that was a spicy one. Good to have you. Sorry, sir. That joke was over the line. And so are you. But, uh… I’m jealous of immigrants, I really am. My buddy’s a Mexican immigrant. Been here eight years. He loves America. He never thinks about the bad parts. We got a lot of bad history. Slavery, Civil Rights, oppressing women, homophobia. He’s like, “I just got here.” [LAUGHS] What a great position to be in. All the fun of America, not much of the hardship. It’s like becoming a firefighter on September 12th. [LAUGHTER] Immigrants are great. Immigrants tend to appreciate America more than most Americans. I’m from here, born and raised. I’m spoiled. I take it for granted. My grandparents are immigrants from Sicily. They never shut up. The American dream, the freedom, the opportunity. And I’m like, “Where the fuck’s my Uber Eats?” “Where the hell is that Pakistani with my food, goddammit?” Yeah. But I thought that was the big dream. You come to America, you make it big, you make a couple of bucks, you get rich. Boy, the rich thing is weird now. Feels like we hate rich people. Isn’t that weird? See that online a lot. “Fuck the rich, kill the rich, eat the rich.” Why are we all shitting on the thing we wanna be? Like making fun of old people. “Look at that old bastard. Probably shit his pants.” Yeah, that’s the goal. We’re all hypocrites. We all go to 7-Eleven, “Gimme that scratch-off.” Guy goes by in a Ferrari. [IMITATES CAR] “Rich prick. Come on, big money.” Which one is it? All of my friends are very left-leaning, liberal, “Down with hate, we gotta stop hate. But fuck rich people.” “That feels pretty hateful.” “Well, I hate the 1%.” Like, “Whoa, so you hate minorities?” We’re all so compassionate these days till someone’s doing better than you, then fuck them. Rich guy’s like, “My beach house burned down in Malibu.” “Boo-fucking-hoo.” He’s like, “Well, my kids were in there.” “I don’t get it. I invented something, now I don’t have feelings? Weird.” All these absolutes now. “Rich people are all evil.” That’s not how people work. They vary. Some are evil, some are nice. “Cops are all bad.” No, some are bad, some are awesome. “Teachers are heroes.” Some are heroes, some fuck their students. Right? [LAUGHTER] And that student is a hero. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. All right. [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] I don’t hate any group. I like all the groups, you know? I also like racial jokes. Yeah, those kind of went away. I grew up in a predominantly Black neighborhood. We’d say horrible things to each other. Everybody got along. You can’t make those jokes anymore, and we seem more tense than ever. It was fun. Cut the tension, you know? They’d be like, “Mark, you can’t dance.” I was like, “Well, you can’t swim. Ah!” We’re still friends to this day. Then some stiff white guy, “You can’t say that.” You don’t know our relationship. That’s what we do. You walk in on me choking my wife. “Call the police.” No, she loves that. [LAUGHTER] You don’t always know the relationship. We’re just so obsessed with race now, it’s always on my mind. On the phone with my insurance agent. “What color’s your car?” I was like, “Jeez. I thought you were progressive.” [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] And, look, I’m a pretty progressive guy. But sometimes we get so progressive these days we actually end up kinda racist again. I used to just have my friend. Now I’m very aware he’s my Black friend. “Don’t say anything stupid. Don’t offend him.” That’s not progress. I’m obsessed with his skin color now. Never thought about it before. Everything I say, I’m second-guessing. “You’re always banging your girlfriend. You’re like a sex slave.” Ah, shit. Ah. “No, I’m just saying, you know, you’re whipped.” Ah, damn. “No, I mean, you know, I just wanna hang.” [GROANS] He’s like, “Screw this, I’m outta here.” “All right, I’ll see you later.” Jesus Christ. Holy Hell. That’s not healthy. Hope no Jews are offended. We got any Jews here? [WHOOPING, WHISTLING] Hey, all right! Get ’em! [LAUGHTER] Just joking, Jews. Thanks for coming out. Love the tribe. And do something about this weather, will you? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I love the Jews. My Jewish friends and my Black friends butt heads a lot over who had it worse. That’s a big argument. Slavery or the Holocaust? Got heated one night, almost came to blows. My Black friend had to be like, “We’ve got stuff in common.” “Let’s focus on that. We’re both oppressed.” “Both contribute a lot to the arts, and our grandparents are both ashy.” [LAUGHTER, GROANING] [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Just saying, Jews and Black people, a lot in common. I go to my Black friend’s house, closet’s got a big pile of shoes. Go to the Holocaust Museum, there’s a big pile of… You get it. But, no. Big fan of the Jews. I hate to see the anti-Semitism bubbling up these days. That’s a bummer. Some people aren’t having it. I heard one guy go, “These Jews are acting like babies.” “These Jews are acting like babies.” I disagree. I think Jews are tough, I think they’re resilient. I do, however, think babies are acting like Jews. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I was at a diner last week with my buddy. He’s Jewish. A baby one table over. They were doing the same shit. Both wearing little hats, you know. Baby’s uncomfortable, squirming. I look at my friend, he’s like, “My back.” The bill came, they both shit their pants and left. But, you know, I make jokes, but I try to be a good honky ally to my Black brethren. An awkward moment for a white guy is going to see a slave movie with your Black friend. Awkward. Did that a few years back. Still haunts me. Hanging out with two Black guys. “We should see a movie.” “Hell, yeah.” “We should go see 12 Years A Slave.” I was like, “Ah. I’ll get the tickets.” [LAUGHTER] “It’s on me.” We had to see 12 Years A Slave in Harlem in the theater. I’m the only white guy in there. I’m so uncomfortable, I’m shaking. My friend’s like, “What’s your problem?” “I want to leave, but I can’t.” He’s like, “Now you know how the slaves felt.” God damn. He’s like, “We did 400 years. You can do two hours.” I was like, “Yes, Master.” [CHUCKLES] And that is how I made slavery about me. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] That’s what white people do. Yeah. But I think we’re making progress. We’ve got a Black mermaid now. That’s big. Yeah. Can’t have a Jewish mermaid, ’cause you guys can’t fuck with shellfish. But, you know. [LAUGHTER] We’ve got a Black mermaid. They’re making more. Pixar’s doing a Rapunzel movie. “Rapunzel, let down your hair.” Rapunzel’s gonna be Black. Which is cool. But the Prince is gonna be white. Gonna be awkward when he goes, “Rapunzel, let down your hair.” And she’s gonna be like, “You’re not touching this shit.” But it is horrible when you see some real racism go down. I was on the bus last week. Black guy tried to get on the bus. Driver’s like, “We’re full, buddy.” He’s like, “I’m just trying to get on the bus.” He goes, “You’re treating me like this ’cause I’m Black.” I’m like, man, that is messed up to treat someone differently ’cause they’re Black. Then I realized, wait a minute, we all do that. Black guy says the n-word, no big deal. White lady, you say the n-word, I get an erection. You know. [LAUGHTER] But sometimes you should treat groups differently, you know? If my white friend’s getting wild, “Dude, you’re crazy. You’re an animal.” If my Black friend’s getting wild, I’m like, “Dude.” “You’re crazy.” [CHUCKLES] I’m way nicer to Black people than I am to white people. I was at the gym, white guy playing his music really loud. We’re all like, “It’s a public space. It’s rude. Get the hell out of here.” He leaves. Twenty minutes later, a Black guy comes in. He starts playing his music really loud. We’re all like, “Good tunes, brother.” [LAUGHTER] I had a guy go, “You do that ’cause you’re scared of Black people.” I’m not scared of Black people. I’m scared of cell phone cameras. That is terrifying, you know? At a restaurant, a Black guy’s like, “I got you.” Like, “Whoa. I said vinegar. Vinegar. What the hell?” “Salt and vinegar.” That’s a dicey one. I like a dicey zinger. Some people get weird. You know who doesn’t like dicey jokes? TV writers. They’ve turned down everything I ever pitched. I pitched this great sitcom about the 9/11 terrorists, but of course, they shot down the pilot. But, you know. [LAUGHTER] I know. You guys are fun. A lot of crowds are sensitive. People are getting sensitive. My buddy is a vegan. Holy shit. I’m walking on eggshells around him. He really hates that. He’s a great guy, but going out to eat with him is a nightmare. He’s got to have the Impossible Burger. You know about this? Looks like meat, tastes like meat, feels like meat, but it’s not meat. Weird. You hate something but want something just like it. Huh. It’s like a lesbian with a strap-on. [LAUGHTER] You hate dick, but it looks like a dick, feels like a dick. I can’t believe it’s not dick. It’s beyond dick. We got any lesbians here tonight? [WHOOPING] Hey, all right. I think that was a guy. Uh… [LAUGHTER] Lesbians are underrepresented. I travel the country doing comedy. I see gay bars everywhere. They always have funny names, like The Manhole or The Back Door. Where’s all the fun lesbian bars? Where’s Clitz, with a z? Clitz. Perfect name for a lesbian bar, ’cause no guy could find it. [LAUGHTER] And we’ll put it right in the hood. Aha. [BELCHES] All right. Yeah. [CHEERING] Comedy. All right. [WHISTLING, APPLAUSE] But, hey, it’s good you guys are out now, ’cause you’re not watching the news. Too much news. The news is dark. It’s on 24/7. The news is more twisted than ever. Saw a news headline the other day. “Transgender inmate impregnates female prisoner.” I was like, “Wow.” “Where is that porn?” [LAUGHTER] I’ve been watching porn my whole life, never saw a title that creative, right? Man, the news is dark. The news is more fucked-up than porn now. And it’s on everywhere. Every airport, bar, restaurant. Put some porn on. I think we’d be in a better mood. I was at the Amtrak station the other day. There was news on the wall, on TV. “Man attacks multiple people on trains.” Jeez, I’m about to get on an Amtrak. Put some porn on, that’d be better. Then it’s, “Man runs a train on multiple people.” All right! Now I’m ready to board. Choo-choo. [LAUGHS] The news is crazy. Isn’t it weird we have two news channels in America that tell you two completely different news? How did that happen? Just tell me the news. I don’t want your spin or bias. Thank God we don’t do that with the weather. Wouldn’t that be insane, if we had political, opinionated weather? We’re going to the beach tomorrow, let’s check the left-wing weather. Boop. “Hey, folks. 90 degrees outside. Beautiful day for an abortion.” [LAUGHTER] “We got some dark clouds coming in. Excuse me, clouds of color.” “And, as you can see, we’ve got tropical storm Kelly brewing.” “Slowly transitions to Hurricane Kevin, but we don’t judge.” “We’re not sure what the future holds, but it’s female. Back to you, they/them.” Holy moly, I was just trying to get the goddamn weather. That was weird. I got nothing out of that. All right. Let’s check the right-wing weather. Maybe that will be more informative. Boop. “Hey, folks. Grab your boots, it’s 100% chance of storming the Capitol.” “Oh yeah. Gonna be a lot of hailing and heiling out there, and…” [LAUGHTER] “We got some ice in the Midwest.” “We need some ICE at the border, I’ll tell you that right now.” “Grab your coats, ’cause we hate snowflakes. Ooh!” “Praise the Lord, and back to you, sugar tits.” [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Uh-huh. All right. Yeah, the news, it’s all politics now. I’m so sick of politics. It’s the new sports team. People make it their whole personality. It’s fricking exhausting. Yeah. I look at politicians the same way I look at CBD gummies. A lot of people believe in them, but I’m not sure they do anything. They don’t fix problems anymore, just change the name. “We’re not in a recession, it’s a financial hiccup.” What? We’re all broke. The banks are failing. What are you talking about? They do it with everything. “He’s not obese, he’s a person of size.” What? He’s fat as shit. [LAUGHTER] “He’s not homeless, he’s unhoused.” He just diarrhea-d on my porch. Like, who cares what we’re calling it. Let’s fix it. How long till bad guys start doing that? “I’m not racist, I’m ethnically choosy.” Hmm? “I’m not a school shooter, I’m a student body minimizer.” Huh? [APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER] Ah, school shootings. It’s a problem. It’s a problem in this country. I was just in Canada. They’re nicer than us. They don’t shoot each other. They stab. Isn’t that nice? It’s kinda romantic. We shoot in America. More efficient. Shooting somebody is like breaking up via text. Easy, no mess. Stabbing is like breaking up in person. You see that look in their eye. “I know. This is hard for me too.” Get back to your buddy, “How’d it go?” You’re like, “She fucking freaked out.” [LAUGHTER] Another reason women are better than men, you don’t see a lot of female school shooters. What’s going on there? I googled it, there’s been two. Huh. Anybody ever heard of them? Isn’t that weird? Whether it’s gun violence or the WNBA… [LAUGHTER] …nobody’s watching these female shooters. Man or woman. Gotta put up some more numbers, ladies. [APPLAUSE] I think I can solve school shootings. I know people love guns. It’s America, people wanna buy a gun. But I think if a high-school kid buys a semiautomatic weapon, that should be a big deal. That should be public. Let’s make that an event, like a wedding. You gotta send invitations, get your family to the gun shop. The shop owner, he’s like the priest. He holds up the gun, “If anyone has any objections, speak now, or this guy will forever own this piece.” And we get some feedback. “I’m his uncle. I don’t think he should have that gun ’cause he was molested.” “I know that ’cause I did it.” [LAUGHTER] “Probably a bad idea.” I think half of these shooter kids are incel, virgin weirdos. They need to get laid, but it’s harder to get laid than it is to buy a gun. You can buy a gun at Walmart. You don’t wanna fuck anybody at Walmart. That’s why every gun shop should double as a whorehouse. Slow these kids down a little bit, you know? Some angry kid comes in, “I need an AR-15.” We’re like, “Whoa, whoa. How about a Brazilian 18?” [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] Yeah! [CHEERING] Yeah. Then some kid has sex with her, goes back to school, he’s like, “What the fuck was I so angry about?” “Holy hell. Life is good!” Someone’s like, “Are you smoking?” He’s like, “No, I’m paying a hooker.” [LAUGHTER] All right, thanks a lot. I’m Kevin Hart. You guys are great. Have a good night. Comedy! Thank you. Queef it up! Praise Allah! I’m gay! [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] [WHISTLING, CHEERING] [MUSIC CONTINUES] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-izzard-unrepeatable-transcript/ | Eddie Izzard: Unrepeatable (1994) | Transcript | eddie izzard | Recorded at the Albery Theatre in March 1994 1. Opening Numbers Well… God! God! Jesus… Eh, hello… ( hums a tune ) So – yes, showtime. (hums opening showtime tune) Actually, it’s kind of a crummy beginning, just walking out and going like this, isn’t it? I haven’t really got beginnings worked out; I really- I think in the West End, people are expecting a huge beginning, something like out of a musical, you know? 400 people will be on in the first number, even if the cast is only 30; 400 people on, going, (singing) “It’s Hollywood…” (mimes 50’s musicals number) They’re always going on three directions at once, you know… (mimes multiple dancers) Or if it’s Shakespeare on the West End, then there’s moody lighting- three old people saying, “When shall we three meet again? Tuesday? Okay… I’ll get back to you on that. I’ll just drop a dime in the cauldron…” If it was Pinter in the West End, then two people would come on, face different directions and… I’m not sure, I haven’t really read it. I should, but no- you know, some people are widely read; I’m thinly read. I’ve read fuck all! Not very proud of it. You know, some people say, “I’ve read Dr. Benoski’s book on cat eating by…” I haven’t read anything, you know. It’s cause I’m partially dyslexic. I was fully dyslexic until I met someone who was more dyslexic than me, and said, “You’re only partially dyslexic.” There’s a lot of rivalry in the dyslexic camp. “Rivvvalry” with three “vs”. “How bad is your handwriting?” “Oh, mine is all over the place!” Yeah, but it’s been all right… 2. The Rules of Advertising So anyway, advertising! Yes, that’s what I brought you here to talk about! Yes, advertising… Because I’ve been looking at it, and I’ve realized that certain people in the advertising area are being paid huge wads of cash in brown bags in order to subtly adjust our minds. Because, in the old days, before the ‘50s, I don’t know, it was much more blatant, adverts were more like, “Come on, there it is! (pointing) Come on! Haven’t got all day, there it is!” And as consumers, we were, “Oh, okay, I didn’t realize! Sorry! Don’t hit me!“ (running towards the product) Nowadays we have choice, don’t we? We’re much more choosy, and we’re much more aware of what we can buy, so adverts are more subtle, they’re the soft sell, much more like… (humming a tune and pointing discreetly at product) “Oh, look at that! Those two people like it, and they’re shagging…” That’s what happens, isn’t it? Shagging sells everything! That’s it, there’s an advert for coffee- You come around, “Cup of coffee?” “Ooh, let’s shag!” Yes! Adverts for chocolate bars, two bits of chocolate bar, one eats one, one eats the other, “Oh, let’s have a shag!” That stuff for cleaning the floor, clean the floor clean, and then you shag on the floor… Dog food, dog eats dog food… anyway… So… not sure what happens there, but… Now, the washing area- the washing powder, washing clothes, laundry- all that kind of stuff is a very advertising-laid area, with a huge amount of adverts saying, “Wash your clothes! Wash your clothes! Oh, no, I’m gonna shag you…!” And I think if it wasn’t for the advertising, we’d probably just spray our clothes, and (smells it), “Oh, that smells okay now that I’ve sprayed it…” 3. The Ceremony of Laundry And it’s quite a ceremony! Washing your clothes, you can take it down to the launderette; that’s one way. You’ve got a bag- three months’ worth easy of laundry, you pushed it into a bag, and you drag it down to the launderette, wearing clothes that should be in the bag, really, yeah? That’s what you wear to the launderette, that’s why you’ve gone to the launderette, because you’ve got nothing left! You’re wearing dressing gowns to work, it’s that bad! So you throw it in the wash, and you’ve got big machines down the launderette, huge machines with the big porthole windows, and you shove it all in; you never separate out the laundry, shove it all in! And you’ve got one choice – “bizarre wash”! That’s what you get. And you sacrifice a few socks and a pair of pants to the god of launderette, who sits in the back of the machine with a pair of chopsticks, going, (mimes eating with chopsticks) “Oh, lovely, yes… A sock, lovely! A bit of fabric softener… Yes, in it goes…” And you take the washing out, shove it into a tumble-dry, and the tumble-dry glues it together, with static electricity, so that you get the washing out, put it on your head, and walk out (mimes balancing the washing on his head). Next day, you put on a pair of socks, and the rest of the wash says, (motions following) “We’re coming, too! We’re coming!” (mimes kicking the rest of the wash) “Go off! I’m just wearing these.” “Nooo… static!” All day, you’re trying to chat someone up – “Yeah, I know… (kicking wash away) Piss off! Sorry, I don’t know whose it is… it’s stray washing! Yeah… Look, fabric softener! Go! (mimes throwing fabric softener like a stick)” Or you can wash your clothes at home, and at certain people’s houses, they have machines with a huge dial with all the letters of the alphabet on… and no instructions. You just have to guess. “Well, I’ll have an ‘H’ wash – want an ‘H’ wash.” And you stuff it all in, and once you get the stuff going there’s a pair of socks coming, “Sorry, we’re late! Sorry! We were in the back, where you left us. Oh, is the program started? Oh…” And then you let the socks back in the wash, and they’re going, “Excuse me… sorry, pardon me… I’m supposed to be in, I’ve got tickets!” Or you’re doing white clothing wash, you say, “I’ll wash all my white clothes,” and you shove all the whites down, in a big pile, and you put some clothes in there that are almost white. You shove them in there, and then you take them out, put them to the side… “Actually, that would be fine in there… Maybe not… No, I’ve washed them a few times now…” And for a couple of days, you just go back and forth, and then you shove it all in. The rest of the deeper coloured clothes say, “Oh, he’s doing a whites wash first! That pisses me off! Okay, blue underpants, you will infiltrate whites wash. You are our best undercover clothing! We’ve done you some forged papers, you’ll be disguised as a white handkerchief, okay? These have been done by Donald Pleasance, so they should be good. I believe you’ve been practicing a white handkerchief accent?” (high pitched) “Yes, I have, yes, I have…” “Very good, now off you go!” And the blue underpants go… (mumbling in high pitched voice) sneaks inside the white wash, usually inside a shirt; shirts are a bit dopey, aren’t they? (mimes dopey behaviour) So it gets in, the whites wash goes in, and as soon as the clothing start going around the wash, the blue underpants comes up to the window, and goes, “Hello! Blue underpants here!” “Blue underpants in the white wash! Get them out! Let’s smash the glass!” And the blue underpants are going, “I’m draining, I’m draining…” And if all your clothes came out a vibrant blue, it would be fine, wouldn’t it? But your clothes tend to come out a color that’s called “Pants Left In Wash.” And people know, and they point, “Yeah, yeah…” And then they stab you! Apparently, sometimes, you know… Yeah… 4. The Sophisticated Consumer Nowadays, we’re more sophisticated as consumers. We go into supermarkets and we read the labels. (mimes reading label) “This jam is made by Nazis with dead trees, bits of mud and spit.” I don’t think I’ll have that one… (mimes picking another jar up) “This jam was made by groovy people and fruit who agreed to be in the jam in the first place. Volunteer fruit, better known as free-range fruit, allowed to casually chat to chickens.” ‘Cause you know the free-range chickens are so pushy, aren’t they? They go, “Oh, yes, all this field we range through now… and when they put the next field, we’ll range through that one too. And the big house, we’ve knocked that down… the farm house, yes. And that’s our Range Rover over there, yes.” You’ve seen those Range Rovers with the high seats, and the chickens driving along, with such attitude, keep rolling down the window (clucking) Depends on how much you’ve smoked, I suppose… Yes, so anyway, we’re more sophisticated, and the adverts are generally more sophisticated, they have stories, and graphics and cryptic adverts that you have to work out what they’re talking about, and then you go, “Oh, I see!” and you don’t buy it. But not the washing powder people, they’ve done research and come to the conclusion that everyone prefers this bloke with the clipboard thing. This has been going on since the ‘50s, someone who’s locked in a supermarket going, “Are you happy with your wash? Excuse me, are you happy with your wash?” After a while, (rushing) “Are you happy with your wash? Are you happy with your wash? Tell me, (rushing) are you happy with your wash? Listen, (rushing) are you happy with your wash?” A small dog, “Are you happy with your wash?” “I’m a dog! I don’t know…” 5. The Secret Service But I’m also interested in the Secret Service. Good link, eh? No, I was watching this recent thing- Prince Charles, people have been attacking Prince Charles. It’s sort of a surrealist movement that’s been attacking Prince Charles, with hairspray, bits of jelly, you know… There was one with a starting pistol- now you can’t start someone to death, can you? Doesn’t work. “Bang!” (starts running) “What’s going on? I’m having a chat with the people of Australia.” “Bang!” (starts running away again) After about 100 of those, you’re pissed off, aren’t you? You’re not actually dead. But he was very cool, Prince Charles, he was very… (pulling at his cuffs) He was doing all this cuffs thing that he does before he makes speeches, he always does it. I think it’s a nervous thing, as if he’s going, (pulling at cuffs) “Where’s my fucking shirt?! I’ve got no shirt on.” Or it could be a magic trick he’s doing, “Nothing here… nothing here… bunch of flowers!” So he was just doing that, and the first shot went, “bang!” and he’s like, “Missed.” Second shot, “bang!” (moves to duck it) “Do you have a problem?” And we see the Secret Service people, they’re always there, in the suits and the jaws and the dark glasses, one hand always in there, as if at any point they could just go, “Bunch of flowers!” And they look so good, they give out this feeling of elite, highly trained, “Ohohoho, don’t fuck with us!” That kind of thing, and they move- you’re not focused on them, because they’re always shadowing, they never come in front of the person, they never come in front, like, “Fuck it! Me and him, come on!” It’s a bit too proactive if they go, “Come on, I’ll take you all on, come on! Oh, where’s he going?” They’re just cool and calm in there, with “bunch of flowers!” They give out this feeling of elite and highly trained, until you see some sort of rumpus, attack kind of thing. I’ve seen the Reagan one on television a few years back, and this one with Prince Charles, and the image changed from elite and highly trained to… (mimes disorganized attack) “Fucking get him, Kev! Get him! Run, Charlie, run! Hit him with a broom, hit him with a broom! Ruffle his hair, I hate that! Run! Run for your life! Hit him with a bucket!” (bonk) It’s not really what you want, isn’t it? It just doesn’t look controlled; you want kind of like Dr. Spock kind of thing- not Dr. Spock, Captain- Mr. Spock kind of thing, where he comes in and does that sort of thing there, and he goes, “poof!” Not this sort of, “Rough him up! Please shut up! Tip him over!” (sighs) Yeah, that’s what I think. So it doesn’t look very safe, that. 6. “Then You Should!” I’ve also been watching this program, “Question Time,” which isn’t- that’s the problem with “Question Time” – no one answers anything! That’s the trick. Basically, you ask another question back, that’s the way you get out of it. People say, “Would you like to explain, Mr. Prime Minister, why everything’s gone wrong with something or other?” And you always get someone that says, “Well, if you remember 20 years ago… I wasn’t there, so it’s not my fault.” And then you sit down, and everyone backs you up behind you, going “Toilet paper! Toilet paper! Toilet paper in our time! Good work, mate, whatever you say…” But the main competition seems to me to be getting up, especially the cabinet members, in front of the bench, they get up to this big podium with a huge ring binder, with all their physics revision notes on it, that’s what’s in there. “After you let all of this by, you should fuck off!” And the other side is going, “Well, we’re not gonna let all of this by tonight, so fuck off there!” They’ve just got some huge ring binders, with all this bloody stuff on, that’s what the competition seems to be. And actually you can get away with anything! I mean, John Major got away with a very good one just recently, he was talking about civil service, and there was a reporter that came out saying it was very wasteful or whatever, and Major said, “If you don’t think that civil service is the best in the world… then you should!” Kind of a dodgy argument there, you know… “Then you should.” I remember when I was five, going, “You smell… ‘cause you do! You’re a tree… ‘cause you are!” (rolling eyes) “Then you should!” Politically, I am a radical liberal, that is my position. I would be a liberal, but the image of a liberal is sort of – because left and right have been in power for a long time in Britain, the image of a liberal is one of, “Oh… I’m not sure, and you’re…? Oh, really? And you…? Oh, really? I’m on the fence here…” But not for me, I am passionate about free health service for all, that’s a world idea, I think that’s very groovy, but also, if you have an idea, in small businesses or businesses don’t have to be sort of rape and pillaging things; that can be groovy. “Revolutionary liberal,” that sounds better to me, I think, storm the House of Parliament, kick the fucking doors in, get in there and say, “Look, we’ll pay for the damage.” Have a revolution, just budget for it, yeah? You know… 7. Communication I’m into being European as well, I’m positive on that, and I think we have a problem – English people in general have a problem. We tend to go into the world, going, “Hello, hello… Hello, do you speak English? Hello!” You know, in Afghanistan. “Hello, sausage, egg and chips, please… A sausage, egg and chips. Okay, two sausages. Do you speak English? You just don’t try, do you?! Here all day speaking Afghan…” Which is a dog, isn’t it? In Holland, they speak four languages, and a lot of them are “quatrilingual” – they speak Dutch, German, French and English. And they smoke dope as well! How do they have time? In Britain, we officially don’t and we speak one language. And in fact in Holland they don’t actually smoke dope, ‘cause they can, ‘cause it’s legalized, you know, so when you’re there, it’s like, “No, no, I live here I don’t need to, man,” whereas when British people go there, they just go mad, and go, “Fucking ‘ell!” (mimes shooting up, smoking and going generally bonkers) “How long have you been here, man?’ “A minute!” “You seen the canals?” “I am a canal.” Yes… so I’m also into people who shout for a living, I’m quite into them as well. There’s these market sellers; they’re in markets all day, going, “4 pence a pound! 4 pence a pound! (swinging from high to low) 4 pence a pound! 4 pence a pound!” “Excuse me, how much are the apples?” “20 quid, man.” “You were shouting 4 pence a pound.” “Oh, I shout 4 pence a pound, but the fruit is 20 quid! It’s very expensive…” And you go, “But it looks quite nice, a wall of fruit on the front steps…” So you say, “All right, give me some apples and some oranges and stuff,” and they always reach behind to this fruit graveyard… “Just let me add some fruit here… there we go. It’s a bit runny!” And there’s auctioneers! They’re crazy people that shout for a living. There’s the posh ones, from Sotheby’s and Christie’s, they’re going, “This is a 14th. Century Ming thing… made out of Ming… by Mr. Ming, in the Ming period. If you don’t like Ming, then chuck this one, that’s what I say. Do I hear £2 million?“ And people do phone bidding! Don’t do phone bidding, it’s dangerous! You’re in there going, (sotto voce ) “£2 million?” “I’ll take that.” “£2.1 million? £2.2 million?” “Yeah, we’ll take that.” “Sold to the bloke on the phone…” “Oh, he’s gone! I think he’s called Greg… No, it was just ringing, I picked it up, I don’t know! I work in the kitchen! I’m sorry… I’ve only got a tenner… One, two…” And there’s auctioneers out in the countryside, in the cattle markets. They’re just crazy people, they’re out there going (nonsensical auctioneer speak that turns into a song and dance) All the cows and sheep are going, “Is it me up on this one, or you?” (singing and dancing continue) And if you ever attend that, don’t move at all! Don’t move a muscle! Don’t cough! (attendant coughs) Auctioneer: “£4,000.” “No, no.” “£5,000.” (mimes for auctioneer to stop with both hands) “£10,000.” (flips auctioneer) “Another £2,000. Total of £19,000 to the man bidding against himself for this small dog here.” The dog’s going, “I’m not happy with me wash!” “What are you doing here?” 8. Cats and Dogs Cats and dogs are very interesting with human beings, ‘cause we have a pet relationship with them, and we’re the only animals that do this, you know. Giraffes do not have pet gazelles. “Gazelle, go and run in Africa.” They don’t say that. And we have pets because they lower our blood pressure, this is apparently official – they lower our blood pressure. I don’t know how they do that, (mimes petting pet) you sort of stroke them, you go to sleep, and while you sleep, the dog puts one of those big, puffy things in your arm, and… (mimes taking blood pressure) “It’s 180 over 60.” “What does that mean?” “I don’t know, I’m a dog!” Actually, when doctors do that, they’re not actually taking your blood pressure; they’re just fucking around with this. They’ve actually got a jumpy spider behind your back and that’s why they’re… (mimes moving spider around) ‘Cause I saw one once. “There’s a jumpy spider behind my back!” “Yeah, that’s what we do! It’s jumpy spider-time! We’re into jumpy spiders.” And the spider is going… (motions spider jumping about) True! Yeah – so anyway, that’s what they do; your dog takes your blood pressure, and you fall asleep, and the cat drains all the blood from your body… and sells it to one of those mobile blood banks. That’s why sometimes you wake up, feeling all anemic, and you see your cat and dog counting out fivers, as the van pulls off. You ever had that? Yeah… I don’t know, they lower our blood pressure. You stroke a dog, the dog goes, “oooooooo…” and cats go (drilling sound), because they’re drilling, aren’t they? That’s what they’re doing. They’re drilling, they drill for gold! They drill for oil, they drill for anything! Just for the love of drilling! When they’re behind your sofa, they’re just drilling. (mimes drilling) They’ve got goggles on, it’s okay! There’s a compressor over there… Your friends come and say, “I think your cat’s drilling behind your sofa!” “I don’t think so, that’s purring, that noise, isn’t it? Cat, are you drilling?” And the cat hears this, whips off the goggles, (mimes coming from behind the sofa), “No, no… Drilling? No! No, I’m a cat! How would I know how to drill? That’s purring you’re thinking of, purring! Oh, yes, purring! Having a good ole purr back here… no drilling. No, no, okay… “ (mimes putting goggles back on and resuming drilling) Sometimes they drill 40, 50 feet, you know, just for the hell of it. Cats are much cooler than dogs though, aren’t they? Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal. You have no control over your cat! You can’t say to your cat, “Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!” ‘Cause the cat’s just gonna be sitting there, going, “Interesting words… Have you finished?” While you’re shouting all this to your cat, your dog’s next to you, going… (mimes obeying all commands) “What the hell are you doing? I’m talking to the cat!” “Oh, I’m sorry!” You wouldn’t even dream of training your cat. “Cat, come for training. Now stay… sta… hello? Hello? “ They just don’t care, they just piss off. And… dogs and cats eat dog and cat food, and you get this “new and improved” cat and dog food thing, and – I don’t know how you tell whether cat and dog food is “new and improved.” Do humans go (mimes sampling it), “Mmm, lovely!”? I mean, dogs just eat anything, dogs go… (mimes dog eating with both hands, very quickly) And you say, “Is that new and improved? Does it taste good?” and the dog is going, “Uh… I don’t know… Oh, it’s all over my shirt now! Jesus!” Whereas cats are much more choosy, cats will look through the food… (mimes cat touching food with paw) “So this is..? “New and improved,” is it really? Is it really..? Well, I’m going out.” (walks away nonchalantly) And they walk up to the cat door, they just stop there, they turn around and go, “Keys?” (mimes cat leaving) Of course, your dog can’t go, your dog’s going, “Can I go?” “No, I’m busy at the moment.” “But the cat went out!” “Yes… “ “And I can’t go?” “No, no… He has a cat door, you see.” “Oh, right… And why?” “Well, I have no idea.” I wonder who was the first cat that persuaded a human to put a cat door in. You know, they just do. We throw sticks at dogs, that’s the level we have dogs at. You’d never dram of throwing one for a cat. We throw sticks for dogs, and dogs go, “Oh, he’s dropped the stick! I better go and get that… (mimes chasing after the stick) You dropped your stick there. Thought I’d bring it back… And you hang on… (mimes giving the stick back and follows it with the eyes as it’s thrown again) Did you see me? I just brought that back! And then you thr… you dropped it again? It’s very weird what’s going on here… Now hang on to it this time, I don’t want to piss about all the time. You think I enjoy this? There you… Don’t fucking throw it!!” That’s why the third time, when they come back, they won’t give it to you, they go, (through clenched teeth) “No… I won’t let you take it!” And the cat door thing is a vertical version of those saloon bar doors, where gunslingers in westerns would push their way in, and say, “I’ve come for you, Jack McGoo.” And someone at the bar would say, “You’ve come for whom, sir?” “Jack McGoo. Johnnie Googer? The Googer family? Oh, I’ll go away, then.” And these expensive westerns- the cats have seen them on the telly. You watch a cat coming into the kitchen. Sometimes they just come in, just like gunslingers. They push their way in through the cat door, and just stand there, on one hip… and all the dogs in the kitchen just stop moving. The dog eating the food…. (mimes all the dogs’ actions) Other dog playing piano… (mimes as if to show the weapon) So he can get the tail out. Yes… And cats are like that because they’re more responsible. They go outside, the fast car goes (sound of car speeding away), and they go, “Ooh, it’s a Mazda!” Whereas dogs, dogs just go mad, they get outside and go, “Got to chase, chase… Chase! Chase the car! Car! Car! Car!” (mimes dog chasing car) They chase cars up to 4,000 miles. “Car!” They catch up with the car… (panting) “Tag! You’re it!” (takes off running in opposite direction) And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go… (mimes cat jumping) Lands perfectly, and turn… turn… and back flip and forward flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly, they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast … (mimes wobbling) You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, (mimes tentative walk) “Fucking ‘ell..! I’m not sure about this…” and a cat on the ground, going, “Easy, Ginger! Walk it out!” Yeah, that’s it. 9. “Oy, Darling!” Contrary to what you may be thinking, it’s not all roses being a transvestite, you know? It’s not that- you know, people say, “Oh, you transvestites, living off the state,” they say. “Why don’t you just get back to Russia.” “What’s in Russia?” “Oh, I don’t know! A lot of transvestites, apparently.” And in Russia, they say, “Get back to where they told to you to get back from…” I don’t know what these people say. But also, some people say, “Oh, I wish I was a transvestite!” and I say, “Well, if you work hard at school, maybe one day, you know… After your exams…” So all right, this is what happens. If you’re a transvestite, people do gossip, I knew it would happen. They do car noises about me, that’s kind of weird, they go (making car noises) Have you noticed that in films there are lots of car chases? There are no car chases in books, are there? (mimes reading from book) “He looked up in the mirror. Behind him, the man was driving. He looked in the mirror and then he was driving. Oh, they drove faster, faster, driving fast and looking in the mirror. The other guy was pulling a face and driving fast, and then there was a terrible crash.” Just doesn’t fucking work, does it? Anyway… So yeah, that’s me; people gossip about transvestites, but I told people I was a transvestite, so that steals their thunder. “Have you heard…? Oh, he told you! Bastard! (mumbles) I bet he’s not a transvestite! Yeah, that’s it! I bet it’s a tax-dodge to get a clothing allowance, yeah…” So… oh, yeah! Clothes, wearing things. Women put on trousers back in the ‘20s, of course, we all know this, and at that time, people say, “Women can’t wear trousers! (growling) Back to Russia!” And women said, “And why not?” “Oh, very clever! Yes… Very clever question. Why not?” You know, ‘cause there’s no reason, is there? Women wear whatever they want now, they have total clothing allowance, which is groovy; and so women wear what they want, and so do I! Yeah, that’s what it is; it’s just a choice thing, yeah. But you do get a certain amount of stick that goes with it, you know, certain people in the street give me a hard time – they’re dick-headed men, usually, and they hang out in groups of five, I think it’s because they have a fifth of a personality each, so they form a group of five… (audience claps) I appreciate your applause, but I don’t do this for applause… No, I do it for cash; it’s much better. Anyway, they do, they hang out at Leicester Square, actually, in groups of five. They’re just there, you know, just waiting to shout at people. Must be a sad fucking life, they say, “Oh, five o’clock! Better go to shout at people.” (mocks shouting) They do, they shout at people. (mimes dickhead man) “Oh, a bloke in a dress! Bloke in a dress!” (cackling) “Bloke in a dress!” (resumes cackling) “I told him! Yeah… And he agreed, he is a bloke in a dress. Didn’t make very much sense to tell him…” And they shout at women as well, I don’t know why they shout at women. “Oy, darling! Oy, darling! (cackles) Oy, darling! (cackles again) I told her too! Yes…” I think there’s an idea of trying to chat up women, that’s what it is. “Oy, darling, you and me! You and me! You and me…” And if one woman ever did say, “Okay, let’s go now!” I think that would totally freak him out. (freaked) “She said yes! She said yes! That’s not the deal, she’s not supposed to say yes. I don’t know what to do! Have you got any instructions?” ‘Cause you can’t go out with someone like that, ‘cause you say, “What do you want to eat?” and they go (growls) “Pig runs.” And actually there’s a code, when they shout- if people shout at you, there’s actually a code. When they’re shouting at you, “Oy, darling! Oy, darling!” means “I’m a wanker! I’m a wanker-! I am a wanker! We all are, aren’t we?” They do this on building sites as well. I’m sure there must be some builders on a sixth floor scaffolding, putting bricks on top of bricks, and doing the carpentry and the electrics and stuff, but there are lots of builders up there on the sixth floor, who just seem to be leaning over the edge, (mimes reading) “Hey! Fucking ‘ell! The cat sat on the mat! Eat cheese banana… I can’t read that one. Fuck off!” And construction companies must go mad. “I’m sorry about your building, we got on the sixth floor, everyone was just shouting off the balconies! They say they’re calling out the plasterers to prayer…” 10. Discrimination And when I was a kid, ‘cause I knew I was T.V. – T.V. is the abbreviation of transvestite, by the way, which is a bit confusing with television being T.V. as well – but when I was a kid, I realized I was T.V., and I didn’t tell other kids at school, on a cunning survival plan I worked out, yes! “Don’t tell other kids and survive school,” that was my plan. I just thought if I was five and said, “Look, guys, I happen to be a T.V. I just thought I’d explain this to you ‘cause I thought you could deal with this information in a positive and groovy way.” And that they would say, ‘Well, thanks for the information, and we’d just like to say we appreciate it, and we’ll grab sticks and let’s go!” (yelling and miming a chase) That’s what I thought would happen, probably no if I had the guts to say it, ‘cause I noticed if you do have the guts to say it, “Yes, I am a transvestite, I don’t care,” then people go, “Oh… Why is he not…? Oh…” ‘Cause people want to go, “Oh, you are a transvestite, “ and if you say, “No, I’m not,” and deny it, then they go, “Ah! Ah!” (pointing finger) “No! No!” “Ah, ah!” That’s the bully thing. It’s like the people in the street, they would be shouting at me for some time, and I decided to say, “Yes, is there a problem?” You know, some people are going, “There’s a bloke in a dress,” and I go, “Yeah…” and then they’re going, (sighs) “A bloke in a dress… A bloke in a- he’s a bit comfortable, the bloke in a dress… Shouldn’t we be backing off of this, going (mocking sounds and pointing finger)? He doesn’t have the victim mentality we usually request at this point of the debate…” That’s what they’re thinking. No, I didn’t tell kids at school, ‘cause there’s a fascist elitism going on in the schoolroom. You still have big kids saying, “All you kids, give me stuff or I’ll kill you, that’s how it works,” and all the other kids saying, “No, we, the United Nations of Small Children, have placed a sweets embargo on you, big hairy kid. I’m Dr. Boutros Boutros-Ghali’s small kid. We’ll also be sending in two small kids with blue hats on to check the dismantling of your sweet-eating apparatus.” So there’s a lot of gay and lesbian people around, and that’s groovy, and they have – what they’ve done is they separated sex and sexuality from what you do for a living. So you work in a bookshop? Okay, you’re good at selling books, you get on well with the customers? That’s what’s important, not who you sleep with or not. ‘Cause in the old days, they used to say, “Oh, you’re gay… You sell books? You probably shag the books! Yes, I’m sure! So we fire you for no reason at all…” Nowadays, it has improved, but if you’re a T.V. – this is what you have to do if you’re a T.V., because the image – the gay and lesbian people really don’t associate with the T.V., they say, “Well, we don’t know about that, go and live in a ditch somewhere.” It’s a bit poor cousins, twice removed, that kind of thing. But I think – also, ever since I came out as a T.V., if I’m relaxed about it, everyone else seems to go, “Yes, so what’s the problem?” Since I’ve come out, most people go, ‘Yeah…” 80% of the country, I think, don’t really give a monkey’s; they just go, “Well, all right, you’re a T.V., great. I’m cooking eggs, I don’t…” (mimes cooking eggs) Then, there’s 10% of the people who are a bit groovy, and this 10% of people, who are totally homophobic, who go, (growling) “Back to Russia!” It’s okay, if they wanna be homophobic, that’s all right; as long as they’re homophobic behind closed door and don’t touch anyone, I’m fine with it! I know a few people like that… So that’s what I say. 11. Fear Also, fear- I’ve looked at fear in a big way, because coming out you have to deal basically with the whole world going, “Oh, you’re an abominable snowman,” and me going, “No! Don’t think so! No…” And you have to deal with this whole fear thing, and I tend to go towards things that scare me now, I think that’s very positive – not anything, like leaping off a cliff onto spikes scares me, and I don’t go, “Let’s go! Here we go… (mimes putting on helmet and jumping) “Oh, belly flop!” No, not all things, but I just notice this fear thing. And there are not many blokes in makeup, so people tend to react to you sometimes really weird; sometimes I walk past people, and they go (mimes jaw dropping) You know, and I don’t know what to do about that, so I just go, ‘Hello.” They drop out, no more (mimes jaw dropping) Sometimes news agents are quite interesting. You know, the news agents probably see a lot of people coming in, not many blokes in makeup, and they see me and I see the signal goes through to the brain, and the brain goes, “No information on this! No information! No information! No previous experience in this area… No previous… no previous… no previous experience… Don’t know what the fuck to do. Suggestions, get all the packs of crisps out of the way.” “Okay, we’ll do that…” “So I’ll tie all these papers together.”
“All right…” “What- what- what do you want?!” I can see that in their eyes, and I say, “I want a pack of crisps! I’ve got money.” And they go, “What, you eat crisps? Thought you wanted to shag crisps!” “No, I don’t do that…” It’s funny, as soon as you start talking, they go, ‘Oh, all right…” Yeah… Interesting… 12. The English Evangelists So I’m into ideas, this is my thing, because you’ve got to be if you deal with this. People who are philosophers write their ideas down on how the world works, and you can pick and choose. Religious I have more of a problem with, I am not a religious person, ‘cause they all tend to be exclusionist, in a way. I mean, there’s four or five big ones, and each one tells the same, “We are the main religion, by the way, and all you guys… no, sorry, you’ve got it wrong.” And the next one says, “No, ours is. We’ve got the thing upstairs, and no, no, no…” So it doesn’t tend to bring the whole world together, so I like world ideas. I also think that if you institutionalize an idea, it can go wrong. That’s probably where it starts going on. Like Mr. Jesus, of the Christ family – oh, the Christ family, they had a great carpentry and everything! But he wasn’t writing things down when he was preaching, he wasn’t going, “’The meek shall inherit the Earth.’ Ooh, get that down! That’s a crackup! There’s a chapter-heading, that one! Yes!” No, he just spoke his stuff, and then he was killed by the Romans, and then 300 years later, the Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, who were friends of Barry, Mango and Midge. Well, no, I still have a problem with these names – Matthew, Mark, Luke and John – they’re English! These are English people, I mean, you know, this is Galilee, Judea! You got names like Judas, and Jesus, and Elijah, something like that, but Matthew, Mark, Luke and John?! “Yes, that’s our friend Jeremy, that’s Sebastian, and… Kenneth. We’re all from Galilee…” Fucking ‘ell! Yeah, so… There was actually a disciple called Zebedee , yeah. All the disciples have people named after them in Christian countries, but not Zebedee. It was one Zebedee, and then, about 2,000 years later, a thing on a spring with a big mustache. ‘Cause Zebedee was a disciple with really weird ideas! He came up with the chocolate eggs idea, being given up by bunny rabbits at Easter, you know… “Fucking ‘ell, Zeb, what are you on, man?” “The eggs are chocolate, we can put things inside, you know?” “This is Galilee! They’re gonna melt!” “That’s true, yeah… Fucking hell! I never thought about it …” Must have got lots of fridges… (mimes writing) “Perhaps not.” But in the Medieval period, the Christian religion moved into the monasteries, and everyone had to wear brown; brown was the fashion, it was about 200 years of fucking brown… That’s why the monks mumble, (walks around while miming reading) “Brown again, brown… Spring fashion still brown, Autumn brown… fucking brown!” ‘Cause you had two looks – hood up or hood down, that was it. Hood up was for mysterious… (hums chant) and hood down for, “Surprise! It’s me!” They should have had a big afro underneath. (mimes afro expanding) “Fucking ’ell!” And they would dance to Gregorian chats, too! (singing mock Gregorian chant) It really never kicks in as a music, does it? (singing house percussion) So… and also they would copy the Bible from Greek into Latin, and the first letter of each page would be huge and ornate, ‘cause that’s how they used to read the Bible in the old days, “When Jesus came up the mountain…” to wake people up. (mimes waking up startled) 13. Quirks of Nature As human beings, we think ourselves pretty damn groovy. We do, because we have two things – we have communication… and we have thumbs. These are two things – communication, so we can say things like, “Well, I suppose so,” and thumbs so we can pick things up. Otherwise we just go (mimes pushing something around) , like cats do. You know how cats do that with a little ball of something or other…? ‘Cause if cats had thumbs, they’d go… (mimes picking up ball and putting it down repeatedly) It’s not so much fun, is it? Cats have a thumb half way up their leg, don’t they? They have a “lazy thumb,” it’s called, and the other reason they use it is to flick rubber bands at people. (mimes flicking rubber band) “Ow! Who did that? Did you do that?” (cat stares innocently) “Did you do that, cat? Did you flick a rubber band at me?” (stare continues) “Found your drilling equipment the other day.” (over) “He’s found the drilling equipment. The humans have found the drilling equipment. Open up Charlie tunnel. We dig ‘round the clock.” Next day, you find your cat walking over the cat litter… (mimes dropping excavated soil while walking around and humming) Not in leggings, of course… And you go, “I’ve got three cats wearing trousers! What the hell is going on? And the cat litter- I emptied the cat litter! It’s up to here! They’ve gone mad! Also, I found three cats at the bottom of the garden, they’ve dug their way out. One was dressed as a postman, and had German passport papers… Another one dressed as a German guard, and the third one was in a motorbike, going to Switzerland! Steve McCat’s his name… Another two were riding a boat, and another one was James Garner…” Anyway… “He couldn’t read, he was on a plane, James Garner… “I’m talking about “The Great Escape” here… Yes, so… What the hell was I talking about? Yes, human beings! Yes, we value ourselves pretty highly, but there are other animals that do amazing things, we just sort of skip over this. Like birds- birds fly, it’s an amazing thing; when you’re a kid, you really appreciate it, until you see one bird fly into a window, and you go, “Ah! Live in the sky, die in a window, yes…”Whereas we just got planes going straight into a cliff, or something, which is much more healthy. But birds do amazing things- every Winter they fly South, for their holidays, and they don’t get permission, they do it by ESP. “Calling all birds! Calling all birds! We’re gonna mass outside Mrs. Stevens’ house. She’s recently seen Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds,” so it should freak her out a bit… Bring your hooded look with you. Oh, yes, we’ve chosen Greece this year for our holiday, you’ll be pleased to know. Please bring suntan cream, especially you robins, who always get terribly burnt.” And they all mass up, all the birds, looking mean and (growling), “Yes, we were extras in the film, yeah.” And they’re ready to fly, but then one bird must know where to go, and he goes, (mimes taking off) and they go, “It’s Steve, the bird! Follow Steve, the bird!” They all shoot up in formation, but they don’t go to Greece for a couple of days; they just fly ‘round and ‘round, and ‘round, and ‘round; there must be 60 birds back in formation, doing this (mimes flapping wings and walking around) who must be going, “Who the fuck is flying this year? Not Steve the bird! He’s terrible… We went to fucking Greece last year…” All the while Steve the bird has a huge map all over his face (mimes dealing with the map while flying) “All right, all right, don’t push! Let me get this map down… Now… Is that the Church of the Squire? That’s the post office… This is the Lake District! It’s the Lake District! Hold on, where is Greece?” Also, they sing! Birds do birdsong, and it’s a beautiful thing, and people record it down, and say, “It’s a beautiful bird song,” and they put it on tape, but we know that the bird’s song is territorial! It’s a claim for their territory, if you translate the verses into English. If you translate it, it says, “Fuck off out of here! You young sparrows, get a haircut! I know your Dad!” You know that song, “A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square”? He actually sang, “Fuck off out of Berkeley Square!” True, yeah… And then there’s flying fish! Flying fish are weird! All fish swim, except the flying ones… And why do they fly? They take off out of the water, fly along, but they don’t have feet; they can’t walk on the ground, they don’t go and perch up on trees and stuff, so once it’s up in the air, they go… (mimes flying) “Fancy a swim?” Strange! Mountain goats! Mountain goats scamper up mountains – you never see mountain goats halfway up a mountain, knocking things in, clicking things on… “Okay, climbing now… okay…” They never use it, unless they do an overhang, if they go on an overhang, then… Mountaineers are half way up, and all these mountain goats keep… “Fucking mountain goats! There’s a hand-hold right there, mate, just go on…” Mountain goats get to the top, take photos… (mimes mountain goats posing) Then straight back down! (mimes mountain goat speeding down the mountain) Past the mountaineers – “Don’t worry, we’re doing lengths! We’ll be back again!” 14. Survival Swimming Oh, yes, takes me back to swimming! I swam widths and lengths, more of a widths person myself… It used to be, “Well, we’re going to go swimming. All of you kids who can swim, off you go and look very lean and fit and cut through the water like… things that cut through the water. All of you, fat kids, here’s a bit of a puddle. In you go and humiliate yourselves in the shallow end…” We’ve got this float thing, a white, batted paddle, and you get in the shallow end… (mimes going in the shallow end of pool) and do widths across… Oh, it was terrible! It was an aqua zima frame, it was. You get to the side… (panting and turning around) And you just crawl like a really slow waiter or something, you know? You had two positions, this position or Captain Speedy! (mimes bowing down head and pushing paddle) I did “Bronze Survival” Swimming, yes! I could save people in a bronzy kind of way… Yes, what would happen was… “Gold Survival” Swimming, they were very good, they’d bring you all the way in, save your life, give you a wash and brush up, and give you the bus fare home; very good service. Silver Service, they’d bring you all the way in, and just sort of serve up some food – come on, go with that! “And “Bronze Survival,” we’d just bring them up and leave them in the shallow end – “Go on, you can move now!” “You’re supposed to take me all the way in!” “You paid for Bronze, you get bronze, mate!” But point five of Bronze Survival was very interesting – it said, “When you fall into the water, remove- quickly remove your pajamas…” “Pajamas?” And I just mentally thought, “I must remember for the rest of my life ‘in pajamas…’” “Remove your pajamas from your body, tying off the arms and legs and the rest of everything, and then whip them over your head very fast, and then fit them to the size and consistency of a small boat.” All the rescue ships are going, “We must pick up the survivors! The ship has sunk… Look! A kid on pajamas in the back!” (sound of motorized boat approaching, mimes waving and hair moving in the wind) Someone holding on to the legs of your pajamas, waterskiing behind… (skier waves too) Don’t think it was gonna happen! 15. Enterprising Insects And then, there’s bees and wasps. When you’re a kid, bees and wasps are out to get you, so you run from bees and wasps. (mimes running while chased away by bees and wasps) “Bees and wasps!” And they’re always just behind your head… “There’s a wasp behind my head!” They’re on a tractor beam, gotta cling on there… And they just chase you, and your Dad, who’s working with the bees and wasps, comes out and tells you, “Stand still!” and you go, (in a very low voice) “What? No…” And the wasps go, “Thanks, Dad!” (sounds of speeding and crash) And later on, you realize that bees aren’t so bad, because they only sting you once, and they only sting you as a last resort, which is the equivalent of the “do or die” card in “Escape from Colditz, The Board Game.” And also they make honey, and that’s an amazing thing! Bees make honey?! We’ve known this since we were kids, so we take it absolutely for granted, but bees are insects, furry body, red- not red, yellow and black stripy, hairy leggy, big ears- big eyes! Big ears as well, but they leave them behind when they go out. Got out of that one. Medium size wings, you know- they’re buzzy things, you know, and they make honey?! Which is in your morning, on your breakfast-y toastie, in a jar, kind of- how do they do that?! I mean, do earwigs make chutney? Do spiders make gravy? What is going on? Earwigs going, “Get the chutney under that stone there. (singing) We make chutney all day… It’s an earwig’s life, ain’t it? Put the chutney in there, there we go.” And spiders, saying, “Gravy, yes… no problem at all, mate. We’ll make spider gravy, the way spiders like to make it, yes… Put that cube in there… Hold on, Legs… There you go, mate. Can we get the measuring jar back when you’re finished?” It’s very weird! So they way bees make honey, is they get 10 bees together, they fly down to a supermarket, they get a jar of honey, and they bring it back, that’s how! And the Queen Bee just gets a big knife, and spreads it in… in some artist’s fashion, in the big combs in the back. The worker bees just look on, and the drones come in occasionally and go (drone sounds) “Would you piss off, you drone bees?” (drone sounds continue) That’s bees; wasps have this one sting thing that works for them. “I’ll sting him, I’ll sting him, (singing) I’ll sting this guy over here… pow! I’ll stick this brick for no reason, I’ll sting this thing, and this guy once again…” And they sting whatever they want, and then they get back to the hive and make nothing! Nothing at all! They just smoke dope, all day long… all through the Summer, and so the old sting is stoned out of his brain… (wobbling about and singing) “Fancy a carpet? (singing continues) I used to be a flyer, yes… Fly through the sky, those were the days… Me and Baron Von Richhovenwasp… Yeah, now I’m a rambler, no longer a flyer, I ramble… (singing) I like to ramble cross carpets… Oh, I’m dead! (mimes dropping dead) Yes… And also, bees look for pollen; they find pollen, and when they do, they come back to the hive. “I’ve found pollen.” “Where did you find pollen?” And instead of telling the other bees, they do an intricate dance in front of them. (singing and dancing) “Brian, where’s the pollen?” (resumes singing and dancing) “Where’s the bloody pollen, Brian?! All this leaping about can wait until later!” Why doesn’t the first bee who found the pollen say, “Follow me! (buzzing) Here it is.” That could work, couldn’t it? No, they don’t think… 16. Horror Movies on Telly But television, television… no link. Bees sometimes are on television, and television – is that what you want? (chuckles) It’s not like sometimes bees watch television, but they do, when they fly by, you know, and they go by a telly, and they just stop… (buzzing sound) ‘Cause, you know, they’ve seen it, or it’s a repeat, or something. I’m interested in television, even though I only rarely go on television to say that I’m not going on television that I am on television, because… (sotto voce) which is working quite well… I’m into it, I like it as a media; I think the whole world is getting hold of it, it’s becoming a good communication tool, where it brings us closer together; and I think that’s a groovy thing. But also the B-movie genre, this big dumping ground of films on television has become a huge cultural item, ‘cause there’s so much of it! And I love it, I tend to watch television only now between 12:00 and 4:00 in the morning, and you get this rubbish on! Absolute- I can watch it, I don’t know why… I’m addicted to crap; but no, there’s the horror movies that come on, and you know they’re on telly, even if you’re not watching, ‘cause all the theme songs are… (singing overdramatic music) “Oh, my God, oh, my God!” And all the titles in the films are, “The Thing That Came from Somewhere,” ”The House That Jack Built…” You know… Expensive horror films have more expensive theme tunes, with sort of choirs of small children, going… (singing eerie melody) 17. Dracula, or Dracul, or Drac… And then, there’s “Dracula.” “Dracula” is the most successful of them all, the biggest myth in our mind. Dracula, or Dracul, or Drac, or “D,” depends how well you know him… But there’s a weak link in the Dracula story, which is if you see one Dracula film, or one presentation having to deal with Dracula, you know what to do. Because if a vampire came in here right now, we’d all do the sign of the cross, we’d do stake through the heart, and then we’d do garlic bread, yeah? Perhaps garlic bread as a starter, and then the stake through the heart as dessert… The cross in the middle, stake… We’d work it out. Yeah… we’d all know what to do. And also I think we’ve all been thinking this without actually sort of consciously bringing it forward; when you watch this film, you think, “Does fingers work?” Just doing the sign of the cross with your fingers- do you have to have a cross with you, or can you just do that? (crossing fingers) If it’s just fingers, it’s great; anyone can do it, you know. If you have to carry a cross around, we know that the cross works, okay; but if the tops gets knocked off, it’s a T-sign- does that work? Does the vampire go, “Er… that’s a T-sign! I’m not upset by that!” But if you hold your thumb up above it, it’s a cross, which means it’s a shape, so fingers should work! And if it’s so, they’ve got no chance- vampires are going, “Ah, ha, ha! I will bite you now!” And you go, “No, fingers!” “Oh, sorry.” “Ah, ha, ha!” “No, I’ve got fingers too!” “Oh, yes, you do!” “Ah… oh, you know too? Okay…” And he just becomes like one of those questionnaires people that you meet on the street. (mimes vampire holding clipboard, trying to question people) And also I think a few other things should work with vampires, like a chainsaw – that should really work. If you take a vampire, and you remove his arms and legs with a chainsaw, that’s gonna slow him down a bit, surely. “See the vampire, see him fly…” (crashing noise) “Slowed down a lot, that one!” “Ah, but I’m Dracula! I am here!” (evil laugh) “But you’re in a trolley, mate.” “Yes, there was a chainsaw, you see? Could you just bend down here? I’ve just dropped my keys. Could you just bend down?” “No, you’re gonna bite me, aren’t you? I know… just piss off, mate!” (trolley noises) Also they piss around with the myth… in a lot of them, but especially in the vampire one. We all know that Dracula must be in bed by dawn; all the vampires must be in bed by dawn, otherwise they go (blows raspberry) and turn into jelly with smoke. Now we know, this is a firm plank of the myth, but if you saw Francis Coppola’s “Dracula,” with Gary Oldman as Vlad The Impaler, (imitating Oldman) “I’m Vlad the Impaler.” (as Sean Connery) “I am Vlad The Impaler.” That was Sean Connery in the film “Never Say Never At Dracula Again.” (as Connery) “I’m Dracula, I’ve got this thing on my watch, see… (stretches wire out of watch) This capsule here, you put it in your ear and it explodes…“ Yeah, sorry… Yes, Gary Oldman as Vlad The Impaler, and in the middle of this, they want him to have scenes with this woman called Mina, who looks like his old wife, from years ago, and in the middle of it, they shoved it in – they sneaked it in, in fact, just very quietly, “Not many people know that vampires can go out during the day…” and people watching are going, “yeah…” I was going, “No, ‘old on! Absolutely not! No way!” I mean, what is a low-power vampire anyway? They can go out during the day, but they’re called “low power vampires.” What the hell is a low-power vampire? They go… (mimes jumping about flapping arms) Can’t actually fly anyway… and they leap in front of you, “Ah-ha-ha!” (blows raspberry) That’s all I do. No, I’m a daytime vampire, go on, thank you. Ah-ha-ha! (blows raspberry again) Cheers. Sign of the cross to you too, mate. (continues to blow raspberry to passersby) At least react!” People are going, “Officer, there’s a nutter in the park!” “Oh, it’s a low-power vampire, they’re no bother this time of year. Be in bed by nightfall…” (sighs) Yes… true story. I saw one vampire film once called “Dracula Is Dead!” He started off dead, and I thought, “Oh… no climax here!” But then, they said, “Not many people know that vampires can come back to life once they’ve been dead-ed!” I go, “No!” But then they said, “Oh, yes, if a pig comes by Castle Dracula on a Tuesday, playing a banjo…” That’s a crowbar plot move… So he’s back to life, and he gets to England. Four Victorian people saying, (as James Mason) “Let’s go to Castle Dracula in Transylvania for no reason at all. Will you come with me? I, James Mason, will go there. Come, Agatha, Tabitha, Bagatha, let’s go to Castle Dracula and… create a plot for this film.” And in Transylvania, they always go to a pub there, for a bit of local color; lots of people with big beards that you know is strapped over the ears…(mimes joking around with fake beard) “Which gap to drink through?” Pull the beard, have a drink, put it back, yeah… “Oh, certain folks around here aren’t from ‘round here…” “We’re from Devon. We came over for the ski. Food’s a bit weird, but okay…” “Hello, my name is James Mason, and we’re going to Castle Dracula. This is Agatha, Tabitha and Bagatha… Name’s a bit weird, but there you go.” “Well, I wouldn’t go to Castle Dracula if I were you, sir. You’ve got to film if you go up there, it’s very strange.” “We nevertheless wish to go to Castle Dracula, though. The film is about four people gong to a pub.” “Oh, no one laughed at that joke, mate! You’re a crap James Mason! You’re not coming out of that one! You fucked up!” “Yes, I did, I planned to fuck up there; just to show you how to escape from a fuck up.” So they go to- I don’t know where I was going with that- but they always go up to Castle Dracula in a coach driven by a total monster; big, hairy thing going… (evil laughter) “Back to Russia!” And Castle Dracula looks like hell on toast, you know, and all the victims in these films have had their common sense glands removed… If we were in that coach, we’d be going, “We get the fuck out of this coach now… Man-eating wolves, I don’t care! We’re walking back!” Everyone in the coach is going, “A tad slower, cappy? Oh, delightful place! Kind of spooky…” Saw these people go camping in millions of films. “Let’s go camping in the forest of Death and Blood.” “Whoa-whoa-whoa! Forest of Death and Blood? Is there a story behind the name, maybe?” “Well, yes, there is. Everyone who goes in dies from death and blood.” “I’ll pass on this one. My cat’s exploded and I thought… I’ve got a bad leg anyway.” But they go off and camp in the forest, and then a storm comes in, they can’t go back, and the bridge’s been blown up by squirrels… And they stay in a house, a wooden house, and in the middle of the night some twit says, “Look, there’s something moving in the forest about eight miles away! I’ll go and check…” Don’t check, please don’t check… That’s what curtains are for, you go, (mimes peeking through window) “Oh, my God!” But they say, “I’ll go check, and I’ll take a thimble with me… Don’t come near me, I’ve got a thimble!” They never listen to the music, do they? (singing ominous melody) We’d be going, “I’m not going down there! It’s spooky down there.” (ominous melody continues) “It’s spooky down here too.” (mimes taking a step and hearing ominous melody repeatedly, until he takes a step and the music is lively) Sometimes this guy is determined to get there… (singing ominous melody) “Piss off, you cellist! Stop following me in the forest!” (mimes cellist walking away while playing) The guy goes deep into the forest, and once he does, you know he’s had it. He’s going… “Oh, it’s is an axe murderer! It is! We weren’t sure… I thought it was either you or a badger! You know, could be a badger or an axe murderer, and it’s you! (mimes axe murderer whacking character) Oh, send a party!” 18. Star Trek But there’s one B-movie that became so huge it became a name movie, and everyone’s talked about this, it’s been multi-talked about- that doesn’t mean anything, really – and everyone’s talked about “Star Trek.” And that is the thing, but it’s so weird, ‘cause “Star Trek” had 60 television episodes, that were repeated forever, and there are two spin-off series now and six films, and nothing has ever done this! I mean, “Batman” is sort of doing a bit of this now, but not like that. And it’s huge! I was trying to work out why, and I think it’s because the characters in the film became bigger than the actual actors, in a sense that if you ever saw “T.J. Hooker,” this cop series, it was Captain Kirk playing T.J. Hooker, not William Shatner, the actor! You’d just think it was the commander, Captain Kirk, who’d come down to Earth and said, “I’m gonna be a cop for a bit,” you know… If you ever see the television series again, don’t watch the actors in the stories out front, going on in the scene; watch the people in the back, who’re working away in all these cardboard and flashing lights, essentially, ‘cause it’s just a set, and they’re going, “I’ll pull lever B now…” There’s a lot of clipboard work, have you noticed? People go around on clipboards, going, “Yes, you’ve got a machine, well done… And the machine… would you like to sign on that? Thank you…” With a clipboard, there’s a lot of clipboard people in there. Spock was there, he had this big cylindrical bag… sort of computer screen that he was looking into, saying things to Captain Kirk: “Captain Kirk, we’re going to die in .28 seconds. Oh, should I have told you that earlier? Sorry about that!” And he’d put Twix and stuff neatly down, then he would just sneak in and… (mimes eating in hiding) And Uhura over here, in the swivel chair, going, “Mr. Spock is eating a Twix! He’s eating Twix!” “Shut up. Shut the fuck up! (sternly, as Spock) Shut the fuck up, Uhura!” He couldn’t get overemotional, Spock; no matter- all the actors should have just stomped on his foot, while shooting the scene, because he couldn’t go, “Fuck off!” He’d have to go (mimes restraining himself) “Captain, I’m very annoyed with Uhura.” (mimes threats) Or pour black soot over that oval computer screen he’s always looking at. “Oh, God, I’ve got this stuff all over my face! I gotta… (restraining himself) I am not happy…” And there was Uhura, and she had fingers; it was always different fingers. “Captain, it’s Starfleet Command on finger three.” (swiveling around in chair and switching fingers) “It’s the Klingons on finger two, Captain. It’s your Mom on finger four.” And Spock- no, Kirk, Captain Kirk, in the big swiveling chair, he’d keep records, press a button and go, “Captain’s log – Supplemental Bidoo-bidoo-bidoo, that’s all.” He’d sign a lot of clipboards all day – “Thank you very much, clipboard… ‘To Cliff from Captain Kirk’ Well done…” And there’s Chekov and Sulu, down the front, both driving, they both had steering wheels! Too many steering wheels… but you never saw them in the morning, when they came in to the starship Enterprise, going, “Oh, get the engine on, Chekov! It’s fucking freezing in here! Boy!” (mimes starting up ship) You also never saw them backing up either, Chekov going… (mimes backing up) “Captain Kirk, put your head down a bit.” Scotty- the actor playing Scotty, he must have hated the scripts! Every week, the same sort of script-thing. “Oh, not again! Not the same script, for fuck’s sake! ‘No, Captain. I cannot do that, Captain. I have no ability to do that, Captain. What speed you wish for, Captain? No, I cannot provide that at this time. No, you’ll never guess; it’s the engine. No, it’s the carburetor that’s gone this time. No way, who’s there? The cat’s eaten the Delethian Crystals, you see, and it’s coughing up fur balls, and…” He could never do anything! There was Kirk going, “Scotty, we need to go back to 9 in five seconds, or we’re toast!” And he goes, “I can give you 30 miles an hour in a week, Captain, how about that?” And there was Dr. McCoy, a doctor so dramatic- so overly dramatic! Down at the surgery, going, (overacting) “Jim! Jim! Christ, Jim! Jim, it’s me, “Bones,” Jim! Me! McCoy! How long have I known you? Jim! Me! Spock! Christ, Spock! Man! Jim! Spock! Me, “Bones”! “Bones”! Me! Spock! Christ! This boy is dying of lurgey! Lurgey, Jim, lurgey! Five lurgeys, two of them I’ve never heard of! Christ, Spock! Jim! How long have I known you, Spock? Jim’s known this boy… Christ! Jim, Spock, me, Christ… I have to remove his brain, his liver, his lungs, and his spleen, and I have to do it with a torch as well…” (mimes using torch) They always do that torch thing… Then they would all get bored. “Let’s beam down somewhere! Last one down the energizer room is a wanker!” (mimes rushing to energizer room) And you knew, if all the name cast were beaming down, they were coming back; that’s how it was. But if there was a new bloke beaming down with them… (mimes subtly pointing at the new guy) “Who’s he? You got really worried about the new bloke, especially if he was wearing a red jumper… (sotto) “Who the fuck’s he?” “That’s Stevens, sir. Stevens, from Accounts.” “Accounts? Didn’t know we had an accounts department. Stevens?” (campy cockney) “Yes, sir? Oh, hello. I’m from Accounts. I thought I’d just beam down on this landing party… Well, last time the figures were a bit weird, you know? 400 packed lunches were eating, and there was only two of you beaming down! So I thought I’d beam down; put my best red jumper on…” “”We’re all wearing light blue, did you notice that? There’s a target on the front of your shirt, yeah…” “Oh… oh, really?” “It’s okay, prepare to beam down.” “All right, Captain.” (humming eerily and shaking all over) And the rest of them are looking at him… “What’s all that about, Stevens?” “I thought I was beaming down!” “We’ve got a machine to do that. We pull that lever, you see…” “Oh, you bastards! You just let me do that!” (mocking sound from Captain Kirk) Then they beam down to an oval of gravel, with six big rocks in the back… every week. “Captain, strong déjà vu here!” And they get out these machines… (machine beeping) “Captain, this entire planet is made of “willy-wee.” And also you, Captain, and I checked with Sulu and Uhura, and everything we never thought of is willy-wee. I think this just must be a box of “willy-wee…”” But then there was the phasers. Now the phasers were just there; you just had two settings – kill or stun, but it should have been a much more amazing weapon, ‘cause they had very advanced technology. There should have been many more settings, not just kill or stun. Kill, stun, limp- that’s a nice one, isn’t it? All the “Star Trek” people over there with the phasers, and all the people on the planet would be over here, going, “It’s people… invaders! We must get them! Yeah!” (mimes attacking and suddenly limping after phaser is shot) “They’ve set their phasers on limp, oh… Get out of here.” Or set it on “Bit of a Cough” setting, even lower. (mimes attacking and getting a coughing attack) “Get some Spectrum, quick!” Or it could have “Depression” setting, that’s, you know, an emotional setting. (mimes attacking and sudden onset of depression) “Oh, bugger! It’ll never work, let’s just… I don’t know, my whole life down the drain… Invaders, invaders…” “Bad Ice” setting, that could work. (mimes attacking, then skidding on ice) Bear with me, please, I’ve thought of 100 of these. “Ice-cream Van Nearby” setting, that’s one. (mimes attacking, then getting distracted by buying ice-cream) “Oh, two, three…” (mimes eating ice-cream) Then you have “Sudden Interest in Botany” setting – (mimes attacking, then getting distracted by a plant) “Ooh! (mumbles) Repot every summer…” “Water in Ear After Swimming”! (mimes attacking, then jumping about to get rid of water in the ear) Oh, yeah, and finally, this is very totally finally – “Oven Left On At Home” setting. (mimes attacking, then turning around and running in the opposite direction) “Oh, shit!” So that is it. That is my totally nonsensical show; I hope you enjoyed some of it, if not, the intention was there as an escape route. So thank you very much for being here, and thank you for bearing with me. Cheers, good night. You might want to look up the word “scatological.” | Well… God! God! Jesus… Eh, hello… ( hums a tune ) So – yes, showtime. (hums opening showtime tune) Actually, it’s kind of a crummy beginning, just walking out and going like this, isn’t it? I haven’t really got beginnings worked out; I really- I think in the West End, people are expecting a huge beginning, something like out of a musical, you know? 400 people will be on in the first number, even if the cast is only 30; 400 people on, going, (singing) “It’s Hollywood…” (mimes 50’s musicals number) They’re always going on three directions at once, you know… (mimes multiple dancers) Or if it’s Shakespeare on the West End, then there’s moody lighting- three old people saying, “When shall we three meet again? Tuesday? Okay… I’ll get back to you on that. I’ll just drop a dime in the cauldron…” If it was Pinter in the West End, then two people would come on, face different directions and… I’m not sure, I haven’t really read it. I should, but no- you know, some people are widely read; I’m thinly read. I’ve read fuck all! Not very proud of it. You know, some people say, “I’ve read Dr. Benoski’s book on cat eating by…” I haven’t read anything, you know. It’s cause I’m partially dyslexic. I was fully dyslexic until I met someone who was more dyslexic than me, and said, “You’re only partially dyslexic.” There’s a lot of rivalry in the dyslexic camp. “Rivvvalry” with three “vs”. “How bad is your handwriting?” “Oh, mine is all over the place!” Yeah, but it’s been all right… 2. The Rules of Advertising So anyway, advertising! Yes, that’s what I brought you here to talk about! Yes, advertising… Because I’ve been looking at it, and I’ve realized that certain people in the advertising area are being paid huge wads of cash in brown bags in order to subtly adjust our minds. Because, in the old days, before the ‘50s, I don’t know, it was much more blatant, adverts were more like, “Come on, there it is! (pointing) Come on! Haven’t got all day, there it is!” And as consumers, we were, “Oh, okay, I didn’t realize! Sorry! Don’t hit me!“ (running towards the product) Nowadays we have choice, don’t we? We’re much more choosy, and we’re much more aware of what we can buy, so adverts are more subtle, they’re the soft sell, much more like… (humming a tune and pointing discreetly at product) “Oh, look at that! Those two people like it, and they’re shagging…” That’s what happens, isn’t it? Shagging sells everything! That’s it, there’s an advert for coffee- You come around, “Cup of coffee?” “Ooh, let’s shag!” Yes! Adverts for chocolate bars, two bits of chocolate bar, one eats one, one eats the other, “Oh, let’s have a shag!” That stuff for cleaning the floor, clean the floor clean, and then you shag on the floor… Dog food, dog eats dog food… anyway… So… not sure what happens there, but… Now, the washing area- the washing powder, washing clothes, laundry- all that kind of stuff is a very advertising-laid area, with a huge amount of adverts saying, “Wash your clothes! Wash your clothes! Oh, no, I’m gonna shag you…!” And I think if it wasn’t for the advertising, we’d probably just spray our clothes, and (smells it), “Oh, that smells okay now that I’ve sprayed it…” 3. The Ceremony of Laundry And it’s quite a ceremony! Washing your clothes, you can take it down to the launderette; that’s one way. You’ve got a bag- three months’ worth easy of laundry, you pushed it into a bag, and you drag it down to the launderette, wearing clothes that should be in the bag, really, yeah? That’s what you wear to the launderette, that’s why you’ve gone to the launderette, because you’ve got nothing left! You’re wearing dressing gowns to work, it’s that bad! So you throw it in the wash, and you’ve got big machines down the launderette, huge machines with the big porthole windows, and you shove it all in; you never separate out the laundry, shove it all in! And you’ve got one choice – “bizarre wash”! That’s what you get. And you sacrifice a few socks and a pair of pants to the god of launderette, who sits in the back of the machine with a pair of chopsticks, going, (mimes eating with chopsticks) “Oh, lovely, yes… A sock, lovely! A bit of fabric softener… Yes, in it goes…” And you take the washing out, shove it into a tumble-dry, and the tumble-dry glues it together, with static electricity, so that you get the washing out, put it on your head, and walk out (mimes balancing the washing on his head). Next day, you put on a pair of socks, and the rest of the wash says, (motions following) “We’re coming, too! We’re coming!” (mimes kicking the rest of the wash) “Go off! I’m just wearing these.” “Nooo… static!” All day, you’re trying to chat someone up – “Yeah, I know… (kicking wash away) Piss off! Sorry, I don’t know whose it is… it’s stray washing! Yeah… Look, fabric softener! Go! (mimes throwing fabric softener like a stick)” Or you can wash your clothes at home, and at certain people’s houses, they have machines with a huge dial with all the letters of the alphabet on… and no instructions. You just have to guess. “Well, I’ll have an ‘H’ wash – want an ‘H’ wash.” And you stuff it all in, and once you get the stuff going there’s a pair of socks coming, “Sorry, we’re late! Sorry! We were in the back, where you left us. Oh, is the program started? Oh…” And then you let the socks back in the wash, and they’re going, “Excuse me… sorry, pardon me… I’m supposed to be in, I’ve got tickets!” Or you’re doing white clothing wash, you say, “I’ll wash all my white clothes,” and you shove all the whites down, in a big pile, and you put some clothes in there that are almost white. You shove them in there, and then you take them out, put them to the side… “Actually, that would be fine in there… Maybe not… No, I’ve washed them a few times now…” And for a couple of days, you just go back and forth, and then you shove it all in. The rest of the deeper coloured clothes say, “Oh, he’s doing a whites wash first! That pisses me off! Okay, blue underpants, you will infiltrate whites wash. You are our best undercover clothing! We’ve done you some forged papers, you’ll be disguised as a white handkerchief, okay? These have been done by Donald Pleasance, so they should be good. I believe you’ve been practicing a white handkerchief accent?” (high pitched) “Yes, I have, yes, I have…” “Very good, now off you go!” And the blue underpants go… (mumbling in high pitched voice) sneaks inside the white wash, usually inside a shirt; shirts are a bit dopey, aren’t they? (mimes dopey behaviour) So it gets in, the whites wash goes in, and as soon as the clothing start going around the wash, the blue underpants comes up to the window, and goes, “Hello! Blue underpants here!” “Blue underpants in the white wash! Get them out! Let’s smash the glass!” And the blue underpants are going, “I’m draining, I’m draining…” And if all your clothes came out a vibrant blue, it would be fine, wouldn’t it? But your clothes tend to come out a color that’s called “Pants Left In Wash.” And people know, and they point, “Yeah, yeah…” And then they stab you! Apparently, sometimes, you know… Yeah… 4. The Sophisticated Consumer Nowadays, we’re more sophisticated as consumers. We go into supermarkets and we read the labels. (mimes reading label) “This jam is made by Nazis with dead trees, bits of mud and spit.” I don’t think I’ll have that one… (mimes picking another jar up) “This jam was made by groovy people and fruit who agreed to be in the jam in the first place. Volunteer fruit, better known as free-range fruit, allowed to casually chat to chickens.” ‘Cause you know the free-range chickens are so pushy, aren’t they? They go, “Oh, yes, all this field we range through now… and when they put the next field, we’ll range through that one too. And the big house, we’ve knocked that down… the farm house, yes. And that’s our Range Rover over there, yes.” You’ve seen those Range Rovers with the high seats, and the chickens driving along, with such attitude, keep rolling down the window (clucking) Depends on how much you’ve smoked, I suppose… Yes, so anyway, we’re more sophisticated, and the adverts are generally more sophisticated, they have stories, and graphics and cryptic adverts that you have to work out what they’re talking about, and then you go, “Oh, I see!” and you don’t buy it. But not the washing powder people, they’ve done research and come to the conclusion that everyone prefers this bloke with the clipboard thing. This has been going on since the ‘50s, someone who’s locked in a supermarket going, “Are you happy with your wash? Excuse me, are you happy with your wash?” After a while, (rushing) “Are you happy with your wash? Are you happy with your wash? Tell me, (rushing) are you happy with your wash? Listen, (rushing) are you happy with your wash?” A small dog, “Are you happy with your wash?” “I’m a dog! I don’t know…” 5. The Secret Service But I’m also interested in the Secret Service. Good link, eh? No, I was watching this recent thing- Prince Charles, people have been attacking Prince Charles. It’s sort of a surrealist movement that’s been attacking Prince Charles, with hairspray, bits of jelly, you know… There was one with a starting pistol- now you can’t start someone to death, can you? Doesn’t work. “Bang!” (starts running) “What’s going on? I’m having a chat with the people of Australia.” “Bang!” (starts running away again) After about 100 of those, you’re pissed off, aren’t you? You’re not actually dead. But he was very cool, Prince Charles, he was very… (pulling at his cuffs) He was doing all this cuffs thing that he does before he makes speeches, he always does it. I think it’s a nervous thing, as if he’s going, (pulling at cuffs) “Where’s my fucking shirt?! I’ve got no shirt on.” Or it could be a magic trick he’s doing, “Nothing here… nothing here… bunch of flowers!” So he was just doing that, and the first shot went, “bang!” and he’s like, “Missed.” Second shot, “bang!” (moves to duck it) “Do you have a problem?” And we see the Secret Service people, they’re always there, in the suits and the jaws and the dark glasses, one hand always in there, as if at any point they could just go, “Bunch of flowers!” And they look so good, they give out this feeling of elite, highly trained, “Ohohoho, don’t fuck with us!” That kind of thing, and they move- you’re not focused on them, because they’re always shadowing, they never come in front of the person, they never come in front, like, “Fuck it! Me and him, come on!” It’s a bit too proactive if they go, “Come on, I’ll take you all on, come on! Oh, where’s he going?” They’re just cool and calm in there, with “bunch of flowers!” They give out this feeling of elite and highly trained, until you see some sort of rumpus, attack kind of thing. I’ve seen the Reagan one on television a few years back, and this one with Prince Charles, and the image changed from elite and highly trained to… (mimes disorganized attack) “Fucking get him, Kev! Get him! Run, Charlie, run! Hit him with a broom, hit him with a broom! Ruffle his hair, I hate that! Run! Run for your life! Hit him with a bucket!” (bonk) It’s not really what you want, isn’t it? It just doesn’t look controlled; you want kind of like Dr. Spock kind of thing- not Dr. Spock, Captain- Mr. Spock kind of thing, where he comes in and does that sort of thing there, and he goes, “poof!” Not this sort of, “Rough him up! Please shut up! Tip him over!” (sighs) Yeah, that’s what I think. So it doesn’t look very safe, that. 6. “Then You Should!” I’ve also been watching this program, “Question Time,” which isn’t- that’s the problem with “Question Time” – no one answers anything! That’s the trick. Basically, you ask another question back, that’s the way you get out of it. People say, “Would you like to explain, Mr. Prime Minister, why everything’s gone wrong with something or other?” And you always get someone that says, “Well, if you remember 20 years ago… I wasn’t there, so it’s not my fault.” And then you sit down, and everyone backs you up behind you, going “Toilet paper! Toilet paper! Toilet paper in our time! Good work, mate, whatever you say…” But the main competition seems to me to be getting up, especially the cabinet members, in front of the bench, they get up to this big podium with a huge ring binder, with all their physics revision notes on it, that’s what’s in there. “After you let all of this by, you should fuck off!” And the other side is going, “Well, we’re not gonna let all of this by tonight, so fuck off there!” They’ve just got some huge ring binders, with all this bloody stuff on, that’s what the competition seems to be. And actually you can get away with anything! I mean, John Major got away with a very good one just recently, he was talking about civil service, and there was a reporter that came out saying it was very wasteful or whatever, and Major said, “If you don’t think that civil service is the best in the world… then you should!” Kind of a dodgy argument there, you know… “Then you should.” I remember when I was five, going, “You smell… ‘cause you do! You’re a tree… ‘cause you are!” (rolling eyes) “Then you should!” Politically, I am a radical liberal, that is my position. I would be a liberal, but the image of a liberal is sort of – because left and right have been in power for a long time in Britain, the image of a liberal is one of, “Oh… I’m not sure, and you’re…? Oh, really? And you…? Oh, really? I’m on the fence here…” But not for me, I am passionate about free health service for all, that’s a world idea, I think that’s very groovy, but also, if you have an idea, in small businesses or businesses don’t have to be sort of rape and pillaging things; that can be groovy. “Revolutionary liberal,” that sounds better to me, I think, storm the House of Parliament, kick the fucking doors in, get in there and say, “Look, we’ll pay for the damage.” Have a revolution, just budget for it, yeah? You know… 7. Communication I’m into being European as well, I’m positive on that, and I think we have a problem – English people in general have a problem. We tend to go into the world, going, “Hello, hello… Hello, do you speak English? Hello!” You know, in Afghanistan. “Hello, sausage, egg and chips, please… A sausage, egg and chips. Okay, two sausages. Do you speak English? You just don’t try, do you?! Here all day speaking Afghan…” Which is a dog, isn’t it? In Holland, they speak four languages, and a lot of them are “quatrilingual” – they speak Dutch, German, French and English. And they smoke dope as well! How do they have time? In Britain, we officially don’t and we speak one language. And in fact in Holland they don’t actually smoke dope, ‘cause they can, ‘cause it’s legalized, you know, so when you’re there, it’s like, “No, no, I live here I don’t need to, man,” whereas when British people go there, they just go mad, and go, “Fucking ‘ell!” (mimes shooting up, smoking and going generally bonkers) “How long have you been here, man?’ “A minute!” “You seen the canals?” “I am a canal.” Yes… so I’m also into people who shout for a living, I’m quite into them as well. There’s these market sellers; they’re in markets all day, going, “4 pence a pound! 4 pence a pound! (swinging from high to low) 4 pence a pound! 4 pence a pound!” “Excuse me, how much are the apples?” “20 quid, man.” “You were shouting 4 pence a pound.” “Oh, I shout 4 pence a pound, but the fruit is 20 quid! It’s very expensive…” And you go, “But it looks quite nice, a wall of fruit on the front steps…” So you say, “All right, give me some apples and some oranges and stuff,” and they always reach behind to this fruit graveyard… “Just let me add some fruit here… there we go. It’s a bit runny!” And there’s auctioneers! They’re crazy people that shout for a living. There’s the posh ones, from Sotheby’s and Christie’s, they’re going, “This is a 14th. Century Ming thing… made out of Ming… by Mr. Ming, in the Ming period. If you don’t like Ming, then chuck this one, that’s what I say. Do I hear £2 million?“ And people do phone bidding! Don’t do phone bidding, it’s dangerous! You’re in there going, (sotto voce ) “£2 million?” “I’ll take that.” “£2.1 million? £2.2 million?” “Yeah, we’ll take that.” “Sold to the bloke on the phone…” “Oh, he’s gone! I think he’s called Greg… No, it was just ringing, I picked it up, I don’t know! I work in the kitchen! I’m sorry… I’ve only got a tenner… One, two…” And there’s auctioneers out in the countryside, in the cattle markets. They’re just crazy people, they’re out there going (nonsensical auctioneer speak that turns into a song and dance) All the cows and sheep are going, “Is it me up on this one, or you?” (singing and dancing continue) And if you ever attend that, don’t move at all! Don’t move a muscle! Don’t cough! (attendant coughs) Auctioneer: “£4,000.” “No, no.” “£5,000.” (mimes for auctioneer to stop with both hands) “£10,000.” (flips auctioneer) “Another £2,000. Total of £19,000 to the man bidding against himself for this small dog here.” The dog’s going, “I’m not happy with me wash!” “What are you doing here?” 8. Cats and Dogs Cats and dogs are very interesting with human beings, ‘cause we have a pet relationship with them, and we’re the only animals that do this, you know. Giraffes do not have pet gazelles. “Gazelle, go and run in Africa.” They don’t say that. And we have pets because they lower our blood pressure, this is apparently official – they lower our blood pressure. I don’t know how they do that, (mimes petting pet) you sort of stroke them, you go to sleep, and while you sleep, the dog puts one of those big, puffy things in your arm, and… (mimes taking blood pressure) “It’s 180 over 60.” “What does that mean?” “I don’t know, I’m a dog!” Actually, when doctors do that, they’re not actually taking your blood pressure; they’re just fucking around with this. They’ve actually got a jumpy spider behind your back and that’s why they’re… (mimes moving spider around) ‘Cause I saw one once. “There’s a jumpy spider behind my back!” “Yeah, that’s what we do! It’s jumpy spider-time! We’re into jumpy spiders.” And the spider is going… (motions spider jumping about) True! Yeah – so anyway, that’s what they do; your dog takes your blood pressure, and you fall asleep, and the cat drains all the blood from your body… and sells it to one of those mobile blood banks. That’s why sometimes you wake up, feeling all anemic, and you see your cat and dog counting out fivers, as the van pulls off. You ever had that? Yeah… I don’t know, they lower our blood pressure. You stroke a dog, the dog goes, “oooooooo…” and cats go (drilling sound), because they’re drilling, aren’t they? That’s what they’re doing. They’re drilling, they drill for gold! They drill for oil, they drill for anything! Just for the love of drilling! When they’re behind your sofa, they’re just drilling. (mimes drilling) They’ve got goggles on, it’s okay! There’s a compressor over there… Your friends come and say, “I think your cat’s drilling behind your sofa!” “I don’t think so, that’s purring, that noise, isn’t it? Cat, are you drilling?” And the cat hears this, whips off the goggles, (mimes coming from behind the sofa), “No, no… Drilling? No! No, I’m a cat! How would I know how to drill? That’s purring you’re thinking of, purring! Oh, yes, purring! Having a good ole purr back here… no drilling. No, no, okay… “ (mimes putting goggles back on and resuming drilling) Sometimes they drill 40, 50 feet, you know, just for the hell of it. Cats are much cooler than dogs though, aren’t they? Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal. You have no control over your cat! You can’t say to your cat, “Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!” ‘Cause the cat’s just gonna be sitting there, going, “Interesting words… Have you finished?” While you’re shouting all this to your cat, your dog’s next to you, going… (mimes obeying all commands) “What the hell are you doing? I’m talking to the cat!” “Oh, I’m sorry!” You wouldn’t even dream of training your cat. “Cat, come for training. Now stay… sta… hello? Hello? “ They just don’t care, they just piss off. And… dogs and cats eat dog and cat food, and you get this “new and improved” cat and dog food thing, and – I don’t know how you tell whether cat and dog food is “new and improved.” Do humans go (mimes sampling it), “Mmm, lovely!”? I mean, dogs just eat anything, dogs go… (mimes dog eating with both hands, very quickly) And you say, “Is that new and improved? Does it taste good?” and the dog is going, “Uh… I don’t know… Oh, it’s all over my shirt now! Jesus!” Whereas cats are much more choosy, cats will look through the food… (mimes cat touching food with paw) “So this is..? “New and improved,” is it really? Is it really..? Well, I’m going out.” (walks away nonchalantly) And they walk up to the cat door, they just stop there, they turn around and go, “Keys?” (mimes cat leaving) Of course, your dog can’t go, your dog’s going, “Can I go?” “No, I’m busy at the moment.” “But the cat went out!” “Yes… “ “And I can’t go?” “No, no… He has a cat door, you see.” “Oh, right… And why?” “Well, I have no idea.” I wonder who was the first cat that persuaded a human to put a cat door in. You know, they just do. We throw sticks at dogs, that’s the level we have dogs at. You’d never dram of throwing one for a cat. We throw sticks for dogs, and dogs go, “Oh, he’s dropped the stick! I better go and get that… (mimes chasing after the stick) You dropped your stick there. Thought I’d bring it back… And you hang on… (mimes giving the stick back and follows it with the eyes as it’s thrown again) Did you see me? I just brought that back! And then you thr… you dropped it again? It’s very weird what’s going on here… Now hang on to it this time, I don’t want to piss about all the time. You think I enjoy this? There you… Don’t fucking throw it!!” That’s why the third time, when they come back, they won’t give it to you, they go, (through clenched teeth) “No… I won’t let you take it!” And the cat door thing is a vertical version of those saloon bar doors, where gunslingers in westerns would push their way in, and say, “I’ve come for you, Jack McGoo.” And someone at the bar would say, “You’ve come for whom, sir?” “Jack McGoo. Johnnie Googer? The Googer family? Oh, I’ll go away, then.” And these expensive westerns- the cats have seen them on the telly. You watch a cat coming into the kitchen. Sometimes they just come in, just like gunslingers. They push their way in through the cat door, and just stand there, on one hip… and all the dogs in the kitchen just stop moving. The dog eating the food…. (mimes all the dogs’ actions) Other dog playing piano… (mimes as if to show the weapon) So he can get the tail out. Yes… And cats are like that because they’re more responsible. They go outside, the fast car goes (sound of car speeding away), and they go, “Ooh, it’s a Mazda!” Whereas dogs, dogs just go mad, they get outside and go, “Got to chase, chase… Chase! Chase the car! Car! Car! Car!” (mimes dog chasing car) They chase cars up to 4,000 miles. “Car!” They catch up with the car… (panting) “Tag! You’re it!” (takes off running in opposite direction) And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go… (mimes cat jumping) Lands perfectly, and turn… turn… and back flip and forward flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly, they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast … (mimes wobbling) You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, (mimes tentative walk) “Fucking ‘ell..! I’m not sure about this…” and a cat on the ground, going, “Easy, Ginger! Walk it out!” Yeah, that’s it. 9. “Oy, Darling!” Contrary to what you may be thinking, it’s not all roses being a transvestite, you know? It’s not that- you know, people say, “Oh, you transvestites, living off the state,” they say. “Why don’t you just get back to Russia.” “What’s in Russia?” “Oh, I don’t know! A lot of transvestites, apparently.” And in Russia, they say, “Get back to where they told to you to get back from…” I don’t know what these people say. But also, some people say, “Oh, I wish I was a transvestite!” and I say, “Well, if you work hard at school, maybe one day, you know… After your exams…” So all right, this is what happens. If you’re a transvestite, people do gossip, I knew it would happen. They do car noises about me, that’s kind of weird, they go (making car noises) Have you noticed that in films there are lots of car chases? There are no car chases in books, are there? (mimes reading from book) “He looked up in the mirror. Behind him, the man was driving. He looked in the mirror and then he was driving. Oh, they drove faster, faster, driving fast and looking in the mirror. The other guy was pulling a face and driving fast, and then there was a terrible crash.” Just doesn’t fucking work, does it? Anyway… So yeah, that’s me; people gossip about transvestites, but I told people I was a transvestite, so that steals their thunder. “Have you heard…? Oh, he told you! Bastard! (mumbles) I bet he’s not a transvestite! Yeah, that’s it! I bet it’s a tax-dodge to get a clothing allowance, yeah…” So… oh, yeah! Clothes, wearing things. Women put on trousers back in the ‘20s, of course, we all know this, and at that time, people say, “Women can’t wear trousers! (growling) Back to Russia!” And women said, “And why not?” “Oh, very clever! Yes… Very clever question. Why not?” You know, ‘cause there’s no reason, is there? Women wear whatever they want now, they have total clothing allowance, which is groovy; and so women wear what they want, and so do I! Yeah, that’s what it is; it’s just a choice thing, yeah. But you do get a certain amount of stick that goes with it, you know, certain people in the street give me a hard time – they’re dick-headed men, usually, and they hang out in groups of five, I think it’s because they have a fifth of a personality each, so they form a group of five… (audience claps) I appreciate your applause, but I don’t do this for applause… No, I do it for cash; it’s much better. Anyway, they do, they hang out at Leicester Square, actually, in groups of five. They’re just there, you know, just waiting to shout at people. Must be a sad fucking life, they say, “Oh, five o’clock! Better go to shout at people.” (mocks shouting) They do, they shout at people. (mimes dickhead man) “Oh, a bloke in a dress! Bloke in a dress!” (cackling) “Bloke in a dress!” (resumes cackling) “I told him! Yeah… And he agreed, he is a bloke in a dress. Didn’t make very much sense to tell him…” And they shout at women as well, I don’t know why they shout at women. “Oy, darling! Oy, darling! (cackles) Oy, darling! (cackles again) I told her too! Yes…” I think there’s an idea of trying to chat up women, that’s what it is. “Oy, darling, you and me! You and me! You and me…” And if one woman ever did say, “Okay, let’s go now!” I think that would totally freak him out. (freaked) “She said yes! She said yes! That’s not the deal, she’s not supposed to say yes. I don’t know what to do! Have you got any instructions?” ‘Cause you can’t go out with someone like that, ‘cause you say, “What do you want to eat?” and they go (growls) “Pig runs.” And actually there’s a code, when they shout- if people shout at you, there’s actually a code. When they’re shouting at you, “Oy, darling! Oy, darling!” means “I’m a wanker! I’m a wanker-! I am a wanker! We all are, aren’t we?” They do this on building sites as well. I’m sure there must be some builders on a sixth floor scaffolding, putting bricks on top of bricks, and doing the carpentry and the electrics and stuff, but there are lots of builders up there on the sixth floor, who just seem to be leaning over the edge, (mimes reading) “Hey! Fucking ‘ell! The cat sat on the mat! Eat cheese banana… I can’t read that one. Fuck off!” And construction companies must go mad. “I’m sorry about your building, we got on the sixth floor, everyone was just shouting off the balconies! They say they’re calling out the plasterers to prayer…” 10. Discrimination And when I was a kid, ‘cause I knew I was T.V. – T.V. is the abbreviation of transvestite, by the way, which is a bit confusing with television being T.V. as well – but when I was a kid, I realized I was T.V., and I didn’t tell other kids at school, on a cunning survival plan I worked out, yes! “Don’t tell other kids and survive school,” that was my plan. I just thought if I was five and said, “Look, guys, I happen to be a T.V. I just thought I’d explain this to you ‘cause I thought you could deal with this information in a positive and groovy way.” And that they would say, ‘Well, thanks for the information, and we’d just like to say we appreciate it, and we’ll grab sticks and let’s go!” (yelling and miming a chase) That’s what I thought would happen, probably no if I had the guts to say it, ‘cause I noticed if you do have the guts to say it, “Yes, I am a transvestite, I don’t care,” then people go, “Oh… Why is he not…? Oh…” ‘Cause people want to go, “Oh, you are a transvestite, “ and if you say, “No, I’m not,” and deny it, then they go, “Ah! Ah!” (pointing finger) “No! No!” “Ah, ah!” That’s the bully thing. It’s like the people in the street, they would be shouting at me for some time, and I decided to say, “Yes, is there a problem?” You know, some people are going, “There’s a bloke in a dress,” and I go, “Yeah…” and then they’re going, (sighs) “A bloke in a dress… A bloke in a- he’s a bit comfortable, the bloke in a dress… Shouldn’t we be backing off of this, going (mocking sounds and pointing finger)? He doesn’t have the victim mentality we usually request at this point of the debate…” That’s what they’re thinking. No, I didn’t tell kids at school, ‘cause there’s a fascist elitism going on in the schoolroom. You still have big kids saying, “All you kids, give me stuff or I’ll kill you, that’s how it works,” and all the other kids saying, “No, we, the United Nations of Small Children, have placed a sweets embargo on you, big hairy kid. I’m Dr. Boutros Boutros-Ghali’s small kid. We’ll also be sending in two small kids with blue hats on to check the dismantling of your sweet-eating apparatus.” So there’s a lot of gay and lesbian people around, and that’s groovy, and they have – what they’ve done is they separated sex and sexuality from what you do for a living. So you work in a bookshop? Okay, you’re good at selling books, you get on well with the customers? That’s what’s important, not who you sleep with or not. ‘Cause in the old days, they used to say, “Oh, you’re gay… You sell books? You probably shag the books! Yes, I’m sure! So we fire you for no reason at all…” Nowadays, it has improved, but if you’re a T.V. – this is what you have to do if you’re a T.V., because the image – the gay and lesbian people really don’t associate with the T.V., they say, “Well, we don’t know about that, go and live in a ditch somewhere.” It’s a bit poor cousins, twice removed, that kind of thing. But I think – also, ever since I came out as a T.V., if I’m relaxed about it, everyone else seems to go, “Yes, so what’s the problem?” Since I’ve come out, most people go, ‘Yeah…” 80% of the country, I think, don’t really give a monkey’s; they just go, “Well, all right, you’re a T.V., great. I’m cooking eggs, I don’t…” (mimes cooking eggs) Then, there’s 10% of the people who are a bit groovy, and this 10% of people, who are totally homophobic, who go, (growling) “Back to Russia!” It’s okay, if they wanna be homophobic, that’s all right; as long as they’re homophobic behind closed door and don’t touch anyone, I’m fine with it! I know a few people like that… So that’s what I say. 11. Fear Also, fear- I’ve looked at fear in a big way, because coming out you have to deal basically with the whole world going, “Oh, you’re an abominable snowman,” and me going, “No! Don’t think so! No…” And you have to deal with this whole fear thing, and I tend to go towards things that scare me now, I think that’s very positive – not anything, like leaping off a cliff onto spikes scares me, and I don’t go, “Let’s go! Here we go… (mimes putting on helmet and jumping) “Oh, belly flop!” No, not all things, but I just notice this fear thing. And there are not many blokes in makeup, so people tend to react to you sometimes really weird; sometimes I walk past people, and they go (mimes jaw dropping) You know, and I don’t know what to do about that, so I just go, ‘Hello.” They drop out, no more (mimes jaw dropping) Sometimes news agents are quite interesting. You know, the news agents probably see a lot of people coming in, not many blokes in makeup, and they see me and I see the signal goes through to the brain, and the brain goes, “No information on this! No information! No information! No previous experience in this area… No previous… no previous… no previous experience… Don’t know what the fuck to do. Suggestions, get all the packs of crisps out of the way.” “Okay, we’ll do that…” “So I’ll tie all these papers together.” “All right…” “What- what- what do you want?!” I can see that in their eyes, and I say, “I want a pack of crisps! I’ve got money.” And they go, “What, you eat crisps? Thought you wanted to shag crisps!” “No, I don’t do that…” It’s funny, as soon as you start talking, they go, ‘Oh, all right…” Yeah… Interesting… 12. The English Evangelists So I’m into ideas, this is my thing, because you’ve got to be if you deal with this. People who are philosophers write their ideas down on how the world works, and you can pick and choose. Religious I have more of a problem with, I am not a religious person, ‘cause they all tend to be exclusionist, in a way. I mean, there’s four or five big ones, and each one tells the same, “We are the main religion, by the way, and all you guys… no, sorry, you’ve got it wrong.” And the next one says, “No, ours is. We’ve got the thing upstairs, and no, no, no…” So it doesn’t tend to bring the whole world together, so I like world ideas. I also think that if you institutionalize an idea, it can go wrong. That’s probably where it starts going on. Like Mr. Jesus, of the Christ family – oh, the Christ family, they had a great carpentry and everything! But he wasn’t writing things down when he was preaching, he wasn’t going, “’The meek shall inherit the Earth.’ Ooh, get that down! That’s a crackup! There’s a chapter-heading, that one! Yes!” No, he just spoke his stuff, and then he was killed by the Romans, and then 300 years later, the Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, who were friends of Barry, Mango and Midge. Well, no, I still have a problem with these names – Matthew, Mark, Luke and John – they’re English! These are English people, I mean, you know, this is Galilee, Judea! You got names like Judas, and Jesus, and Elijah, something like that, but Matthew, Mark, Luke and John?! “Yes, that’s our friend Jeremy, that’s Sebastian, and… Kenneth. We’re all from Galilee…” Fucking ‘ell! Yeah, so… There was actually a disciple called Zebedee , yeah. All the disciples have people named after them in Christian countries, but not Zebedee. It was one Zebedee, and then, about 2,000 years later, a thing on a spring with a big mustache. ‘Cause Zebedee was a disciple with really weird ideas! He came up with the chocolate eggs idea, being given up by bunny rabbits at Easter, you know… “Fucking ‘ell, Zeb, what are you on, man?” “The eggs are chocolate, we can put things inside, you know?” “This is Galilee! They’re gonna melt!” “That’s true, yeah… Fucking hell! I never thought about it …” Must have got lots of fridges… (mimes writing) “Perhaps not.” But in the Medieval period, the Christian religion moved into the monasteries, and everyone had to wear brown; brown was the fashion, it was about 200 years of fucking brown… That’s why the monks mumble, (walks around while miming reading) “Brown again, brown… Spring fashion still brown, Autumn brown… fucking brown!” ‘Cause you had two looks – hood up or hood down, that was it. Hood up was for mysterious… (hums chant) and hood down for, “Surprise! It’s me!” They should have had a big afro underneath. (mimes afro expanding) “Fucking ’ell!” And they would dance to Gregorian chats, too! (singing mock Gregorian chant) It really never kicks in as a music, does it? (singing house percussion) So… and also they would copy the Bible from Greek into Latin, and the first letter of each page would be huge and ornate, ‘cause that’s how they used to read the Bible in the old days, “When Jesus came up the mountain…” to wake people up. (mimes waking up startled) 13. Quirks of Nature As human beings, we think ourselves pretty damn groovy. We do, because we have two things – we have communication… and we have thumbs. These are two things – communication, so we can say things like, “Well, I suppose so,” and thumbs so we can pick things up. Otherwise we just go (mimes pushing something around) , like cats do. You know how cats do that with a little ball of something or other…? ‘Cause if cats had thumbs, they’d go… (mimes picking up ball and putting it down repeatedly) It’s not so much fun, is it? Cats have a thumb half way up their leg, don’t they? They have a “lazy thumb,” it’s called, and the other reason they use it is to flick rubber bands at people. (mimes flicking rubber band) “Ow! Who did that? Did you do that?” (cat stares innocently) “Did you do that, cat? Did you flick a rubber band at me?” (stare continues) “Found your drilling equipment the other day.” (over) “He’s found the drilling equipment. The humans have found the drilling equipment. Open up Charlie tunnel. We dig ‘round the clock.” Next day, you find your cat walking over the cat litter… (mimes dropping excavated soil while walking around and humming) Not in leggings, of course… And you go, “I’ve got three cats wearing trousers! What the hell is going on? And the cat litter- I emptied the cat litter! It’s up to here! They’ve gone mad! Also, I found three cats at the bottom of the garden, they’ve dug their way out. One was dressed as a postman, and had German passport papers… Another one dressed as a German guard, and the third one was in a motorbike, going to Switzerland! Steve McCat’s his name… Another two were riding a boat, and another one was James Garner…” Anyway… “He couldn’t read, he was on a plane, James Garner… “I’m talking about “The Great Escape” here… Yes, so… What the hell was I talking about? Yes, human beings! Yes, we value ourselves pretty highly, but there are other animals that do amazing things, we just sort of skip over this. Like birds- birds fly, it’s an amazing thing; when you’re a kid, you really appreciate it, until you see one bird fly into a window, and you go, “Ah! Live in the sky, die in a window, yes…”Whereas we just got planes going straight into a cliff, or something, which is much more healthy. But birds do amazing things- every Winter they fly South, for their holidays, and they don’t get permission, they do it by ESP. “Calling all birds! Calling all birds! We’re gonna mass outside Mrs. Stevens’ house. She’s recently seen Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds,” so it should freak her out a bit… Bring your hooded look with you. Oh, yes, we’ve chosen Greece this year for our holiday, you’ll be pleased to know. Please bring suntan cream, especially you robins, who always get terribly burnt.” And they all mass up, all the birds, looking mean and (growling), “Yes, we were extras in the film, yeah.” And they’re ready to fly, but then one bird must know where to go, and he goes, (mimes taking off) and they go, “It’s Steve, the bird! Follow Steve, the bird!” They all shoot up in formation, but they don’t go to Greece for a couple of days; they just fly ‘round and ‘round, and ‘round, and ‘round; there must be 60 birds back in formation, doing this (mimes flapping wings and walking around) who must be going, “Who the fuck is flying this year? Not Steve the bird! He’s terrible… We went to fucking Greece last year…” All the while Steve the bird has a huge map all over his face (mimes dealing with the map while flying) “All right, all right, don’t push! Let me get this map down… Now… Is that the Church of the Squire? That’s the post office… This is the Lake District! It’s the Lake District! Hold on, where is Greece?” Also, they sing! Birds do birdsong, and it’s a beautiful thing, and people record it down, and say, “It’s a beautiful bird song,” and they put it on tape, but we know that the bird’s song is territorial! It’s a claim for their territory, if you translate the verses into English. If you translate it, it says, “Fuck off out of here! You young sparrows, get a haircut! I know your Dad!” You know that song, “A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square”? He actually sang, “Fuck off out of Berkeley Square!” True, yeah… And then there’s flying fish! Flying fish are weird! All fish swim, except the flying ones… And why do they fly? They take off out of the water, fly along, but they don’t have feet; they can’t walk on the ground, they don’t go and perch up on trees and stuff, so once it’s up in the air, they go… (mimes flying) “Fancy a swim?” Strange! Mountain goats! Mountain goats scamper up mountains – you never see mountain goats halfway up a mountain, knocking things in, clicking things on… “Okay, climbing now… okay…” They never use it, unless they do an overhang, if they go on an overhang, then… Mountaineers are half way up, and all these mountain goats keep… “Fucking mountain goats! There’s a hand-hold right there, mate, just go on…” Mountain goats get to the top, take photos… (mimes mountain goats posing) Then straight back down! (mimes mountain goat speeding down the mountain) Past the mountaineers – “Don’t worry, we’re doing lengths! We’ll be back again!” 14. Survival Swimming Oh, yes, takes me back to swimming! I swam widths and lengths, more of a widths person myself… It used to be, “Well, we’re going to go swimming. All of you kids who can swim, off you go and look very lean and fit and cut through the water like… things that cut through the water. All of you, fat kids, here’s a bit of a puddle. In you go and humiliate yourselves in the shallow end…” We’ve got this float thing, a white, batted paddle, and you get in the shallow end… (mimes going in the shallow end of pool) and do widths across… Oh, it was terrible! It was an aqua zima frame, it was. You get to the side… (panting and turning around) And you just crawl like a really slow waiter or something, you know? You had two positions, this position or Captain Speedy! (mimes bowing down head and pushing paddle) I did “Bronze Survival” Swimming, yes! I could save people in a bronzy kind of way… Yes, what would happen was… “Gold Survival” Swimming, they were very good, they’d bring you all the way in, save your life, give you a wash and brush up, and give you the bus fare home; very good service. Silver Service, they’d bring you all the way in, and just sort of serve up some food – come on, go with that! “And “Bronze Survival,” we’d just bring them up and leave them in the shallow end – “Go on, you can move now!” “You’re supposed to take me all the way in!” “You paid for Bronze, you get bronze, mate!” But point five of Bronze Survival was very interesting – it said, “When you fall into the water, remove- quickly remove your pajamas…” “Pajamas?” And I just mentally thought, “I must remember for the rest of my life ‘in pajamas…’” “Remove your pajamas from your body, tying off the arms and legs and the rest of everything, and then whip them over your head very fast, and then fit them to the size and consistency of a small boat.” All the rescue ships are going, “We must pick up the survivors! The ship has sunk… Look! A kid on pajamas in the back!” (sound of motorized boat approaching, mimes waving and hair moving in the wind) Someone holding on to the legs of your pajamas, waterskiing behind… (skier waves too) Don’t think it was gonna happen! 15. Enterprising Insects And then, there’s bees and wasps. When you’re a kid, bees and wasps are out to get you, so you run from bees and wasps. (mimes running while chased away by bees and wasps) “Bees and wasps!” And they’re always just behind your head… “There’s a wasp behind my head!” They’re on a tractor beam, gotta cling on there… And they just chase you, and your Dad, who’s working with the bees and wasps, comes out and tells you, “Stand still!” and you go, (in a very low voice) “What? No…” And the wasps go, “Thanks, Dad!” (sounds of speeding and crash) And later on, you realize that bees aren’t so bad, because they only sting you once, and they only sting you as a last resort, which is the equivalent of the “do or die” card in “Escape from Colditz, The Board Game.” And also they make honey, and that’s an amazing thing! Bees make honey?! We’ve known this since we were kids, so we take it absolutely for granted, but bees are insects, furry body, red- not red, yellow and black stripy, hairy leggy, big ears- big eyes! Big ears as well, but they leave them behind when they go out. Got out of that one. Medium size wings, you know- they’re buzzy things, you know, and they make honey?! Which is in your morning, on your breakfast-y toastie, in a jar, kind of- how do they do that?! I mean, do earwigs make chutney? Do spiders make gravy? What is going on? Earwigs going, “Get the chutney under that stone there. (singing) We make chutney all day… It’s an earwig’s life, ain’t it? Put the chutney in there, there we go.” And spiders, saying, “Gravy, yes… no problem at all, mate. We’ll make spider gravy, the way spiders like to make it, yes… Put that cube in there… Hold on, Legs… There you go, mate. Can we get the measuring jar back when you’re finished?” It’s very weird! So they way bees make honey, is they get 10 bees together, they fly down to a supermarket, they get a jar of honey, and they bring it back, that’s how! And the Queen Bee just gets a big knife, and spreads it in… in some artist’s fashion, in the big combs in the back. The worker bees just look on, and the drones come in occasionally and go (drone sounds) “Would you piss off, you drone bees?” (drone sounds continue) That’s bees; wasps have this one sting thing that works for them. “I’ll sting him, I’ll sting him, (singing) I’ll sting this guy over here… pow! I’ll stick this brick for no reason, I’ll sting this thing, and this guy once again…” And they sting whatever they want, and then they get back to the hive and make nothing! Nothing at all! They just smoke dope, all day long… all through the Summer, and so the old sting is stoned out of his brain… (wobbling about and singing) “Fancy a carpet? (singing continues) I used to be a flyer, yes… Fly through the sky, those were the days… Me and Baron Von Richhovenwasp… Yeah, now I’m a rambler, no longer a flyer, I ramble… (singing) I like to ramble cross carpets… Oh, I’m dead! (mimes dropping dead) Yes… And also, bees look for pollen; they find pollen, and when they do, they come back to the hive. “I’ve found pollen.” “Where did you find pollen?” And instead of telling the other bees, they do an intricate dance in front of them. (singing and dancing) “Brian, where’s the pollen?” (resumes singing and dancing) “Where’s the bloody pollen, Brian?! All this leaping about can wait until later!” Why doesn’t the first bee who found the pollen say, “Follow me! (buzzing) Here it is.” That could work, couldn’t it? No, they don’t think… 16. Horror Movies on Telly But television, television… no link. Bees sometimes are on television, and television – is that what you want? (chuckles) It’s not like sometimes bees watch television, but they do, when they fly by, you know, and they go by a telly, and they just stop… (buzzing sound) ‘Cause, you know, they’ve seen it, or it’s a repeat, or something. I’m interested in television, even though I only rarely go on television to say that I’m not going on television that I am on television, because… (sotto voce) which is working quite well… I’m into it, I like it as a media; I think the whole world is getting hold of it, it’s becoming a good communication tool, where it brings us closer together; and I think that’s a groovy thing. But also the B-movie genre, this big dumping ground of films on television has become a huge cultural item, ‘cause there’s so much of it! And I love it, I tend to watch television only now between 12:00 and 4:00 in the morning, and you get this rubbish on! Absolute- I can watch it, I don’t know why… I’m addicted to crap; but no, there’s the horror movies that come on, and you know they’re on telly, even if you’re not watching, ‘cause all the theme songs are… (singing overdramatic music) “Oh, my God, oh, my God!” And all the titles in the films are, “The Thing That Came from Somewhere,” ”The House That Jack Built…” You know… Expensive horror films have more expensive theme tunes, with sort of choirs of small children, going… (singing eerie melody) 17. Dracula, or Dracul, or Drac… And then, there’s “Dracula.” “Dracula” is the most successful of them all, the biggest myth in our mind. Dracula, or Dracul, or Drac, or “D,” depends how well you know him… But there’s a weak link in the Dracula story, which is if you see one Dracula film, or one presentation having to deal with Dracula, you know what to do. Because if a vampire came in here right now, we’d all do the sign of the cross, we’d do stake through the heart, and then we’d do garlic bread, yeah? Perhaps garlic bread as a starter, and then the stake through the heart as dessert… The cross in the middle, stake… We’d work it out. Yeah… we’d all know what to do. And also I think we’ve all been thinking this without actually sort of consciously bringing it forward; when you watch this film, you think, “Does fingers work?” Just doing the sign of the cross with your fingers- do you have to have a cross with you, or can you just do that? (crossing fingers) If it’s just fingers, it’s great; anyone can do it, you know. If you have to carry a cross around, we know that the cross works, okay; but if the tops gets knocked off, it’s a T-sign- does that work? Does the vampire go, “Er… that’s a T-sign! I’m not upset by that!” But if you hold your thumb up above it, it’s a cross, which means it’s a shape, so fingers should work! And if it’s so, they’ve got no chance- vampires are going, “Ah, ha, ha! I will bite you now!” And you go, “No, fingers!” “Oh, sorry.” “Ah, ha, ha!” “No, I’ve got fingers too!” “Oh, yes, you do!” “Ah… oh, you know too? Okay…” And he just becomes like one of those questionnaires people that you meet on the street. (mimes vampire holding clipboard, trying to question people) And also I think a few other things should work with vampires, like a chainsaw – that should really work. If you take a vampire, and you remove his arms and legs with a chainsaw, that’s gonna slow him down a bit, surely. “See the vampire, see him fly…” (crashing noise) “Slowed down a lot, that one!” “Ah, but I’m Dracula! I am here!” (evil laugh) “But you’re in a trolley, mate.” “Yes, there was a chainsaw, you see? Could you just bend down here? I’ve just dropped my keys. Could you just bend down?” “No, you’re gonna bite me, aren’t you? I know… just piss off, mate!” (trolley noises) Also they piss around with the myth… in a lot of them, but especially in the vampire one. We all know that Dracula must be in bed by dawn; all the vampires must be in bed by dawn, otherwise they go (blows raspberry) and turn into jelly with smoke. Now we know, this is a firm plank of the myth, but if you saw Francis Coppola’s “Dracula,” with Gary Oldman as Vlad The Impaler, (imitating Oldman) “I’m Vlad the Impaler.” (as Sean Connery) “I am Vlad The Impaler.” That was Sean Connery in the film “Never Say Never At Dracula Again.” (as Connery) “I’m Dracula, I’ve got this thing on my watch, see… (stretches wire out of watch) This capsule here, you put it in your ear and it explodes…“ Yeah, sorry… Yes, Gary Oldman as Vlad The Impaler, and in the middle of this, they want him to have scenes with this woman called Mina, who looks like his old wife, from years ago, and in the middle of it, they shoved it in – they sneaked it in, in fact, just very quietly, “Not many people know that vampires can go out during the day…” and people watching are going, “yeah…” I was going, “No, ‘old on! Absolutely not! No way!” I mean, what is a low-power vampire anyway? They can go out during the day, but they’re called “low power vampires.” What the hell is a low-power vampire? They go… (mimes jumping about flapping arms) Can’t actually fly anyway… and they leap in front of you, “Ah-ha-ha!” (blows raspberry) That’s all I do. No, I’m a daytime vampire, go on, thank you. Ah-ha-ha! (blows raspberry again) Cheers. Sign of the cross to you too, mate. (continues to blow raspberry to passersby) At least react!” People are going, “Officer, there’s a nutter in the park!” “Oh, it’s a low-power vampire, they’re no bother this time of year. Be in bed by nightfall…” (sighs) Yes… true story. I saw one vampire film once called “Dracula Is Dead!” He started off dead, and I thought, “Oh… no climax here!” But then, they said, “Not many people know that vampires can come back to life once they’ve been dead-ed!” I go, “No!” But then they said, “Oh, yes, if a pig comes by Castle Dracula on a Tuesday, playing a banjo…” That’s a crowbar plot move… So he’s back to life, and he gets to England. Four Victorian people saying, (as James Mason) “Let’s go to Castle Dracula in Transylvania for no reason at all. Will you come with me? I, James Mason, will go there. Come, Agatha, Tabitha, Bagatha, let’s go to Castle Dracula and… create a plot for this film.” And in Transylvania, they always go to a pub there, for a bit of local color; lots of people with big beards that you know is strapped over the ears…(mimes joking around with fake beard) “Which gap to drink through?” Pull the beard, have a drink, put it back, yeah… “Oh, certain folks around here aren’t from ‘round here…” “We’re from Devon. We came over for the ski. Food’s a bit weird, but okay…” “Hello, my name is James Mason, and we’re going to Castle Dracula. This is Agatha, Tabitha and Bagatha… Name’s a bit weird, but there you go.” “Well, I wouldn’t go to Castle Dracula if I were you, sir. You’ve got to film if you go up there, it’s very strange.” “We nevertheless wish to go to Castle Dracula, though. The film is about four people gong to a pub.” “Oh, no one laughed at that joke, mate! You’re a crap James Mason! You’re not coming out of that one! You fucked up!” “Yes, I did, I planned to fuck up there; just to show you how to escape from a fuck up.” So they go to- I don’t know where I was going with that- but they always go up to Castle Dracula in a coach driven by a total monster; big, hairy thing going… (evil laughter) “Back to Russia!” And Castle Dracula looks like hell on toast, you know, and all the victims in these films have had their common sense glands removed… If we were in that coach, we’d be going, “We get the fuck out of this coach now… Man-eating wolves, I don’t care! We’re walking back!” Everyone in the coach is going, “A tad slower, cappy? Oh, delightful place! Kind of spooky…” Saw these people go camping in millions of films. “Let’s go camping in the forest of Death and Blood.” “Whoa-whoa-whoa! Forest of Death and Blood? Is there a story behind the name, maybe?” “Well, yes, there is. Everyone who goes in dies from death and blood.” “I’ll pass on this one. My cat’s exploded and I thought… I’ve got a bad leg anyway.” But they go off and camp in the forest, and then a storm comes in, they can’t go back, and the bridge’s been blown up by squirrels… And they stay in a house, a wooden house, and in the middle of the night some twit says, “Look, there’s something moving in the forest about eight miles away! I’ll go and check…” Don’t check, please don’t check… That’s what curtains are for, you go, (mimes peeking through window) “Oh, my God!” But they say, “I’ll go check, and I’ll take a thimble with me… Don’t come near me, I’ve got a thimble!” They never listen to the music, do they? (singing ominous melody) We’d be going, “I’m not going down there! It’s spooky down there.” (ominous melody continues) “It’s spooky down here too.” (mimes taking a step and hearing ominous melody repeatedly, until he takes a step and the music is lively) Sometimes this guy is determined to get there… (singing ominous melody) “Piss off, you cellist! Stop following me in the forest!” (mimes cellist walking away while playing) The guy goes deep into the forest, and once he does, you know he’s had it. He’s going… “Oh, it’s is an axe murderer! It is! We weren’t sure… I thought it was either you or a badger! You know, could be a badger or an axe murderer, and it’s you! (mimes axe murderer whacking character) Oh, send a party!” 18. Star Trek But there’s one B-movie that became so huge it became a name movie, and everyone’s talked about this, it’s been multi-talked about- that doesn’t mean anything, really – and everyone’s talked about “Star Trek.” And that is the thing, but it’s so weird, ‘cause “Star Trek” had 60 television episodes, that were repeated forever, and there are two spin-off series now and six films, and nothing has ever done this! I mean, “Batman” is sort of doing a bit of this now, but not like that. And it’s huge! I was trying to work out why, and I think it’s because the characters in the film became bigger than the actual actors, in a sense that if you ever saw “T.J. Hooker,” this cop series, it was Captain Kirk playing T.J. Hooker, not William Shatner, the actor! You’d just think it was the commander, Captain Kirk, who’d come down to Earth and said, “I’m gonna be a cop for a bit,” you know… If you ever see the television series again, don’t watch the actors in the stories out front, going on in the scene; watch the people in the back, who’re working away in all these cardboard and flashing lights, essentially, ‘cause it’s just a set, and they’re going, “I’ll pull lever B now…” There’s a lot of clipboard work, have you noticed? People go around on clipboards, going, “Yes, you’ve got a machine, well done… And the machine… would you like to sign on that? Thank you…” With a clipboard, there’s a lot of clipboard people in there. Spock was there, he had this big cylindrical bag… sort of computer screen that he was looking into, saying things to Captain Kirk: “Captain Kirk, we’re going to die in .28 seconds. Oh, should I have told you that earlier? Sorry about that!” And he’d put Twix and stuff neatly down, then he would just sneak in and… (mimes eating in hiding) And Uhura over here, in the swivel chair, going, “Mr. Spock is eating a Twix! He’s eating Twix!” “Shut up. Shut the fuck up! (sternly, as Spock) Shut the fuck up, Uhura!” He couldn’t get overemotional, Spock; no matter- all the actors should have just stomped on his foot, while shooting the scene, because he couldn’t go, “Fuck off!” He’d have to go (mimes restraining himself) “Captain, I’m very annoyed with Uhura.” (mimes threats) Or pour black soot over that oval computer screen he’s always looking at. “Oh, God, I’ve got this stuff all over my face! I gotta… (restraining himself) I am not happy…” And there was Uhura, and she had fingers; it was always different fingers. “Captain, it’s Starfleet Command on finger three.” (swiveling around in chair and switching fingers) “It’s the Klingons on finger two, Captain. It’s your Mom on finger four.” And Spock- no, Kirk, Captain Kirk, in the big swiveling chair, he’d keep records, press a button and go, “Captain’s log – Supplemental Bidoo-bidoo-bidoo, that’s all.” He’d sign a lot of clipboards all day – “Thank you very much, clipboard… ‘To Cliff from Captain Kirk’ Well done…” And there’s Chekov and Sulu, down the front, both driving, they both had steering wheels! Too many steering wheels… but you never saw them in the morning, when they came in to the starship Enterprise, going, “Oh, get the engine on, Chekov! It’s fucking freezing in here! Boy!” (mimes starting up ship) You also never saw them backing up either, Chekov going… (mimes backing up) “Captain Kirk, put your head down a bit.” Scotty- the actor playing Scotty, he must have hated the scripts! Every week, the same sort of script-thing. “Oh, not again! Not the same script, for fuck’s sake! ‘No, Captain. I cannot do that, Captain. I have no ability to do that, Captain. What speed you wish for, Captain? No, I cannot provide that at this time. No, you’ll never guess; it’s the engine. No, it’s the carburetor that’s gone this time. No way, who’s there? The cat’s eaten the Delethian Crystals, you see, and it’s coughing up fur balls, and…” He could never do anything! There was Kirk going, “Scotty, we need to go back to 9 in five seconds, or we’re toast!” And he goes, “I can give you 30 miles an hour in a week, Captain, how about that?” And there was Dr. McCoy, a doctor so dramatic- so overly dramatic! Down at the surgery, going, (overacting) “Jim! Jim! Christ, Jim! Jim, it’s me, “Bones,” Jim! Me! McCoy! How long have I known you? Jim! Me! Spock! Christ, Spock! Man! Jim! Spock! Me, “Bones”! “Bones”! Me! Spock! Christ! This boy is dying of lurgey! Lurgey, Jim, lurgey! Five lurgeys, two of them I’ve never heard of! Christ, Spock! Jim! How long have I known you, Spock? Jim’s known this boy… Christ! Jim, Spock, me, Christ… I have to remove his brain, his liver, his lungs, and his spleen, and I have to do it with a torch as well…” (mimes using torch) They always do that torch thing… Then they would all get bored. “Let’s beam down somewhere! Last one down the energizer room is a wanker!” (mimes rushing to energizer room) And you knew, if all the name cast were beaming down, they were coming back; that’s how it was. But if there was a new bloke beaming down with them… (mimes subtly pointing at the new guy) “Who’s he? You got really worried about the new bloke, especially if he was wearing a red jumper… (sotto) “Who the fuck’s he?” “That’s Stevens, sir. Stevens, from Accounts.” “Accounts? Didn’t know we had an accounts department. Stevens?” (campy cockney) “Yes, sir? Oh, hello. I’m from Accounts. I thought I’d just beam down on this landing party… Well, last time the figures were a bit weird, you know? 400 packed lunches were eating, and there was only two of you beaming down! So I thought I’d beam down; put my best red jumper on…” “”We’re all wearing light blue, did you notice that? There’s a target on the front of your shirt, yeah…” “Oh… oh, really?” “It’s okay, prepare to beam down.” “All right, Captain.” (humming eerily and shaking all over) And the rest of them are looking at him… “What’s all that about, Stevens?” “I thought I was beaming down!” “We’ve got a machine to do that. We pull that lever, you see…” “Oh, you bastards! You just let me do that!” (mocking sound from Captain Kirk) Then they beam down to an oval of gravel, with six big rocks in the back… every week. “Captain, strong déjà vu here!” And they get out these machines… (machine beeping) “Captain, this entire planet is made of “willy-wee.” And also you, Captain, and I checked with Sulu and Uhura, and everything we never thought of is willy-wee. I think this just must be a box of “willy-wee…”” But then there was the phasers. Now the phasers were just there; you just had two settings – kill or stun, but it should have been a much more amazing weapon, ‘cause they had very advanced technology. There should have been many more settings, not just kill or stun. Kill, stun, limp- that’s a nice one, isn’t it? All the “Star Trek” people over there with the phasers, and all the people on the planet would be over here, going, “It’s people… invaders! We must get them! Yeah!” (mimes attacking and suddenly limping after phaser is shot) “They’ve set their phasers on limp, oh… Get out of here.” Or set it on “Bit of a Cough” setting, even lower. (mimes attacking and getting a coughing attack) “Get some Spectrum, quick!” Or it could have “Depression” setting, that’s, you know, an emotional setting. (mimes attacking and sudden onset of depression) “Oh, bugger! It’ll never work, let’s just… I don’t know, my whole life down the drain… Invaders, invaders…” “Bad Ice” setting, that could work. (mimes attacking, then skidding on ice) Bear with me, please, I’ve thought of 100 of these. “Ice-cream Van Nearby” setting, that’s one. (mimes attacking, then getting distracted by buying ice-cream) “Oh, two, three…” (mimes eating ice-cream) Then you have “Sudden Interest in Botany” setting – (mimes attacking, then getting distracted by a plant) “Ooh! (mumbles) Repot every summer…” “Water in Ear After Swimming”! (mimes attacking, then jumping about to get rid of water in the ear) Oh, yeah, and finally, this is very totally finally – “Oven Left On At Home” setting. (mimes attacking, then turning around and running in the opposite direction) “Oh, shit!” So that is it. That is my totally nonsensical show; I hope you enjoyed some of it, if not, the intention was there as an escape route. So thank you very much for being here, and thank you for bearing with me. Cheers, good night. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-live-at-the-beacon-theatre-2011-full-transcript/ | Louis C.K.: Live at the Beacon Theatre (2011) – Transcript | louis c | [indistinct chatter] — Louis! — Louis! [indistinct chatter] [cheering] Alright, let’s get started. Go ahead, sit down. Okay, yes, sit down, we’re just starting. There’s no opening act. Fuck it. Just, let’s start. Let’s just start. Get your seats. Get your beers and everybody go ahead, sit down. Kill the house lights. Let’s just start. Let’s just start a show. There’s no point in screwing around. I’ll do all the announcements that you would have heard. Please turn off your cell phones. You can take pictures but turn off the flash. That’s stupid, because it’s not– You know when you’re watching the World Series and there’s all that– Like your flash is lighting Yankee Stadium. Just leave your flash off. Don’t yell out during the show. If you have something you want to say to me… This is what we do. We write it down and then you go outside in the lobby and then you go home and you kill yourself because, that’s selfish. This is a rhetorical performance. It’s got nothing to do with you. Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Just, because also– also– it lights up your big dumb face. It lights it up. I see this beautiful see of darkness and then just one guy. So, don’t do that. What else? No Jews, I think they said that earlier. They told me I have to say it. Jews aren’t allowed. If you’re Jewish this is a good time to go. If you see somebody kind of Jewey looking then please tell an usher and they will– Sir, come on. Let’s go. Come on. Yes, let’s go. But, I’m really glad you’re here. This is a sizeable crowd. This is a big place. There’s about 2500 people here, and that’s– That’s a lot of people. That’s enough people to be a sample of the population. 2500 people is enough people that you’re all going to experience– There’s enough people here to say that within two months at least one of you will die. I’m just saying. I think it’s probably accurate to say that out of any random group of 2500 people not all of you are gonna make it to Christmas, unfortunately. There’s gonna be– At least one of you here tonight is going to ruin your family’s Christmas by dying a shitty death. And I don’t know who it is, I’m sorry. I don’t know, your death is whatever– Some people, they want you to do things when they die with their– “I want you to take my ashes and sprinkle–” Fuck you, I’m not doing none of that shit. You’re dead. I’m not going to run errands for you after you’re dead. You don’t matter anymore. Some people try to do something noble with their bodies. They try to have their bodies have some use after they’re dead, which I think is a good thought. You’re only borrowing your body. You’re only borrowing everything. If you’re body’s worth anything when you’re done with it you should pass it on. That’s something I really believe. I mean, I’m not going to do it, because I don’t want–eew–it’s mine. I don’t want– I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of them. That’s just the way I am. They’re just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They’re my little believes. They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want or I want to jack off or something, I fucking do that. But– But some people take their– my grandma, uh, grandmother She–just, uh, for the layman– My grandmother, she gave her body to a medical school for it just to be examined and dissected, which is a good thought for that. But you know her survivors are–her family— That was a person. That was my grandmother. She used to wear glasses and say things. And now she’s just shaved head on a metal table with a hungover medical student trying to dig our her pancreas. And he gets an “F”. Imagine being the body where the kid got an “F” on you. The teacher’s like, “No, you idiot.” And he writes “F” on her tit with a Sharpie and just throws her down a shoot on a pile of “F” bodies. So, I don’t care about her. [shout from audience] Louis! Shut up, idiot. Just shut your fucking mouth. Didn’t you hear me before? Okay, so what am I going to do with my body. I’m going to die and I have to tell people what to do with my remains. I have an idea for something to do with my body or for other people to do with it, that will do good in the world. It doesn’t exist yet as an institution but I’m gonna create it, starting with my body. What it is, it’s a place where you can go and be with a dead body and you just do whatever you want. And– the point of this is that there are people out there who have sexual compulsions and they can’t control them and so they go and they bother alive people. And with this you get it out of your system. This is the deal. You go in the room. There’s nobody else with you. You’ve got 90 minutes. You just do whatever you want, whatever it is. Shit in my mouth. You want to– Stick my toe in your pussy. Piss on my face. Whatever is the thing you gotta do. Jack off with the cartilage of my ear. Whatever is your heart’s desire. I want to be the Willy Wonka for perverts. [singing] You can come on my back and pretend that I’m your father. [singing] I am dead, I don’t mind. Sexual perversion is a problem. You can’t stop it. People gotta do what they gotta do. This country is pretty perverted. We have to jack off to everything. There’s not sex and then everything. Sex is in everything. You watch the news and there’s a woman telling you, “And in Libya…” Yeah tell me about Libya. Fucking tell me about Libya. Say, “Libya” again. Come on, fucking right up to the screen, on my flatscreen. Come on, say, “Libya” again. [grunting] It should just be a person, “In Libya…” or whatever. Why does it all have to be so sexualized? And music, every musician is attractive. Isn’t that a weird coincidence that everyone who can play music also looks good? I would have thought there’d be one ugly guy with a guitar who would be amazing. But, fucking zero. And there’s teen pop idols who are children. And they’re on TV going– It’s a kid and folks are jacking off to them. “Folks.” Just “Folks” are jacking off. [singing] Well, folks are jacking off to the girls on TV. Some of them are really young. I don’t know their names. I don’t have that knowledge anymore. I’m too old. When I think of a teen idol, there’s Britney Spears. Because she’s my age now. That’s how long ago that was. She caught up to me. When I was 35, she was 18. And now we’re both 44 years old. So that’s how little I know about who these people are. I was thinking the other day, what if there was a baby who was born and there’s been a lot of fucked up babies, all kinds of babies born. There’s been babies connected at the face, to a dog or whatever, babies with three legs, with hands on them. There’s been Chinese babies. That’s– Okay, that’s– That’s the worst thing I ever said. I think I just finally said the worst thing I have ever said. That was totally unredeeming and horrible. And it feels good. It feels good to have found bottom. There’s a comfort in knowing that I just said the worst thing I’ll ever say in the rest of my life. [exhaling] It’s good. All right. Yeah, I’m not a good guy. I am not. I wish I was a good guy. I like the idea of being a good guy. Sometimes I have the opportunity to be a good guy and then I don’t necessarily do it. I was on a plane once and I was flying first class, because I had a thing. I first class. Who cares? Just– That’s the way it is. I don’t– I’m not like you. I’m not. I’m not. All the things you do, I do a better version of all those things. And– It’s only for another year at the most, believe me. It’s not gonna last. It’s been about eight months. I’ve got a year left and then I’m back to being just like you. But for now, it’s pretty good. I’m in a first class seat and first class is so crazily better. It’s so much better. You get a bigger seat. You get food. But also, you get to sit first. You get to sit before anybody else does. They sit you down and you get to just sit there with champagne and watch all the sweaty, miserable, all the single moms hefting their stroller and the kid. “That looks heavy and nobody’s helping you. That’s a drag.” And you get to just– Anyway, so I’m on the plane. I’m in first class and this soldier gets on the plane. I see soldiers fly all the time because that’s how they get to the war. They fly on a shitty airline. You think they get to go on a cool green plane with a red light. “Go! Go! Go!” No, they just go to Delta. And they just wait in line to go to a war. And they always fly coach. I’ve never seen a soldier in first class in my life. It could be a full bird colonel, he’s between two fat guys in coach. And they’re always nice. I’ve never seen a soldier get on a plane– “Hey, I’m in the Army.” “Fuck you. I have a gun.” They’re always, “Oh, yes sir. Thank you very much ma’am.” It’s like having an extra flight attendant. They help everybody put their shit up. They’re awesome. And every time that I see a soldier on a plane, I always think, You know what, I should give him my seat. It would be the right thing to do. It would be easy to do and it would mean a lot to him. I could go up to him, “Hey, Son.” I get to call him, “Son.” “Hey, son, go ahead and take my seat.” Because I’m in first class, why, for being a professional asshole. I’m in first class because I talk about babies with big dicks. That’s what got me my seat. This guy is giving his life for the country, he thinks, and so he has to sit– But that’s good enough. That’s good enough, the fact that he thinks it. I’m serious. He’s fucking told by everybody in his life system that that’s a great thing to do and he’s doing it. And it’s scary but he’s doing it. And he’s sitting in this shitty seat and I should trade with him. I never have. Let me make that clear. I’ve never done it once. I’ve had so many opportunities. I never even really, seriously came close. And here’s the worst part. I still just enjoy the fantasy for myself to enjoy. I was actually proud of myself for having thought of it. I was proud. Ah, I am such a sweet man. That is so nice of me to think of that and then totally never do it. At least you should be good just to the people– Just turn a good face to the people that you see in life. I don’t do that either because when I get in the elevator in my building– That’s my first contact with human beings after being home and just being disgusting for hours. Then I come out of the elevator and there’s always a guy on the elevator who’s nice. And I hate it. I get really upset when people say nice things to me. That’s not a good impulse. I get in the elevator and there’s always this one guy who just– He sticks his face right in the front of his fucking head. “Hi!” He just floats it out there like a big balloon. “Hey, how’s it going?” I get upset. I get cagey. I get this weird impulse that I want to come on his face. I don’t know why that’s the thing, but that’s what I think about. I wish I could just secrete come without the sexual workup, like as a defense, like a squid or a skunk. Not sexually. I mean aggressively. “Hi!” [spurt] “Jesus, man.” “You just came in my eye.” I just want to go downstairs. I don’t want to talk. Alright, this is going a little off the rails. I don’t remember what I was trying to say. I’d like to be a better person. I would. I’d like to be a better person. And I think I’m getting worse as a person. Because as you get older you start finding out– Let me give you an example. I rented a car a couple weeks ago, in Los Angeles I had the car for a few days and then when I went home I had to drop the car at the rental place. You gotta go to the rental place that’s off the airport, give them the car, give them your thing with the mileage. You gotta get on a bus and then go to your terminal and check in. I was late and I was worried about missing my flight. So I knew I had no time to do any of that. So I just –I never did this before– I just drove my car right to the terminal and just left it there. Then I got on the plane. Once I got on the plane and had a moment I called Hertz and I said, Hey, listen, your car is sitting out in front of terminal four and the keys are in it. So, that’s where it is.” And the guy’s like, “You can’t do that.” “You have to return it to the location and then get–” Well, I didn’t do that already, and now I’m leaving California. So if you want your car you need to go to that place where it is. And he was like, “Awww, Jesus man.” “Well, alright. We’ll get it.” And he– That was the end of it. And I realized I could do this every time, every time I rented a car. Because of course they want you to do all that shit. But if you don’t they still want the car back. They’re going to send a dude. You could drive a car until you don’t want it. Just get out of it while it’s moving and just walk away. No, I don’t feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you’re interested. It’s now your problem. But see, this is a terrible realization because you should act in a way that if everybody acted that way things would work out. You should, because it would be mayhem if everybody was like that. And most people kind of don’t care. Most people are very selfish. Most people don’t give a shit what happens as long as they get to do their favorite thing. People don’t even want to back off from their favorite thing. They won’t even do their second favorite thing. You ever seen somebody in trouble, like they’re at an intersection and they want to make a left, but they’re in the right– the all the way right lane because they messed up. So, here’s the guy. He’s in the right lane. And there’s a lot cars, like 6th avenue. A lot of cars. And he wants to make that left. So what does he do? He just does it anyway. He just goes at it. He just shoves his car through everybody’s life without any– And everybody’s honking and outraged and you always see they guy go, “I have to. I have to.” “There’s no other possible thing I could do.” “What else could I do, except go up one more block and then go left and take four seconds.” “That’s not my favorite way, though!” “That only meets 99% of my criteria.” But I’m selfish. I would like to be a better person, because I have kids. And I want to pass on a better– Sometimes it’s not clear what the right thing is to do. One time I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I didn’t do it like, “Yeah!” I just– Yeah, take that shit, street. I did it because I was shaking. I wanted the candy. Anyway, I was with a friend who said to me, “You just littered on the street. Don’t you care about the environment?” And I thought about it and I said, You know what, this isn’t ‘The Environment’. This is New York City. This is not ‘The Environment’. This is where people live. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. It’s the giantest, next to Mexico City, the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smoking, stinking piece of litter. So if you have a piece of litter, what are you supposed to do with it? You should throw it on the pile of litter. Because if you don’t, if you put it in a receptacle then it gets collected and it gets taken to a dump and a landfill and then it goes on a boat. And it goes out and gets dumped in the ocean and some dolphin wears it as a hat on its face for ten years, this hat that never dissolves, on its face. Ugh. Jesus. [dolphin clicking] Everything that we introduce to the world is shitty… …meaning white people. Because– I really think that white people are from another planet because when we came to America, it was so nice. It was just Indians. And they weren’t even Indians. We called them that by accident. And we still call them that. We knew in a month that it wasn’t Indians but we just don’t give a shit. We never correct it. We came here. They’re like, “Hi.” And we’re like, “Hey, you’re Indians, right?” And they’re like, “No.” “No, this is India, right?” “No, it’s not. It’s a totally other place.” “You’re not Indians?” “No.” “Ahh, you’re Indians.” “You’re Indians for hundreds of years after.” We ruined everything here. This was the great– It was just coast-to-coast green, brown and beautiful. And all the humans were just walking around with painted faces, just walking. And they’d be like, “Oh, that looks yummy.” And they’d just eat from the ground. And then they’d sleep on the grass. And they’d wake up and they’d fuck. And then they’d go for a swim and do a little dance. That was the whole continent, just folks doing that. I mean there was people in Mexico cutting off kids’ heads and rolling them down the pyramid stairs. But that’s– I mean… That’s always going on. You know– You can’t do a whole lot about that. But I think we came from another planet and the reason is we don’t like it here. Why, if we’re from here, if we belong on Earth, why aren’t we comfortable on Earth, at all? We need nice smooth surfaces and right angles and we need it to be cool and not too hot, just a little dit-dit just perfect. Why wouldn’t, when it’s hot, why wouldn’t we just– “Yeah, fuck it.” Why wouldn’t we be like that if we belonged here? And it’s weird because people that are– You know, there’s environmentalists and there’s people who just hate environmentalists. People get angry at environmentalists because they think they’re slowing down the economy and creating restrictions and a lot of these people are Christian. A lot of these people are very devout Christians and that’s such a confusing thing to me, that if you believe that God gave you the Earth, that God created Earth for you, why would you not have to look after it? Why the fuck– Why would you not think that when he came back he wouldn’t go, “What the fuck did you do?” “I gave this to you, motherfucker. Are you crazy?” “The polar bears are brown.” “What did you do to the polar bears?” “Did you shit all over every polar bear?” “What did you–who did this? Who spilled this shit? Who spilled this?” “Come over here. Did you fucking spill this? What is that?” “It’s oil. It’s just some oil. I didn’t mean to spill–” “Well why did you take it out of the fucking ground?” “Because I wanted to go faster.” “I’m not fast enough.” “And I was cold.” “What the fuck do you mean, ‘cold’?” “I gave you everything you needed, you piece of shit.” “Well, because jobs, and I wanted–” “What is a job? Explain to me, what’s a fucking job?” “Well, like you work at a place and people call when their game doesn’t work and you help them figure it out.” “What do you do that for?” “For money.” “What do you need money for?” “Food.” “Just eat the shit on the floor.” “I left shit all over the floor.” “Fucking corn and wheat and shit. Grind it up, make some bread. What are you doing?” “Yeah, but it doesn’t have, like, bacon around it.” “And like– I like when it has bacon on it.” I watched somebody do that the other day after a meal they went, “Oh, it was just–” And I started wondering, what does that mean? What does that signify? I think what it means is that you ate something so delicious that you then kissed somebody on the asshole and their asshole exploded. That’s some good eating. That’s a nice sauce. “Is that good?” “Yeah, let me show you.” “Shit. Let me have some of that.” That just destroyed my anus. Anyway, I got kids and that’s sort of what I’m trying to say. It’s hard having kids because it’s boring. That really is the hardest part of having kids. Ask any parent, What’s the hard part? Is it looking after their health care? Is it making sure that their education– No, it’s being with them on the floor while they be children. It’s just– They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page. And you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time. I hate Clifford the Big Red Dog. I hate him. There’s 50 books about Clifford the Big Red Dog. Fifty books. There’s seven books about Narnia that cover the birth and death of a nation and mice with swords and a lion who’s a god. They did it in seven books. Fifty books about Clifford the Big Red Dog, and they all tell the exact same story. Look how big this dog is. That’s it. Look how big this dog is. That’s the whole book. Here’s how big he was at the firehouse. Here’s how big he was at Thanksgiving. Who gives a shit? You just drew him big. You just, on purpose, made him bigger than people. It should be, “Look how big I drew the dog in this book.” “Isn’t that a mistake?” There’s no story. You maybe even just drew him closer to the page. I don’t even know if you did it honestly. Tell a story about Clifford. Make something happen, where maybe he steps on a policeman and shatters his spine and it’s devastating to the community. He hangs on for two months and then dies. And there’s a whole, you know, funeral with bagpipes and everybody’s crying. And Clifford gets the death penalty. There’s a whole book about his appeal process and how he found Jesus but everybody said it was bullshit. The cop’s wife was like, “I want that dog dead!” And then he goes to the chair and they shave all his red fur off and now he’s Clifford the Big Pink Dog. Put him on a big funny electric chair that the town got together and built. It’s boring having kids. You gotta play kid games. You gotta play board games, little kid board games where you– And then you go dit-dit-dit You got a six, honey. One. Two. Three. It’s just here. Just go here. It’s just– Daddy, I’m learning. I know. You’re going to grow up stupid because I’m bored. I can’t take it, baby. I can’t. I can’t watch it. I’m bored more than I love you. I can’t. I just– Come on. My girls are six and nine now. They’re actually a really exciting age because they’re learning to do some cool stuff. I played Monopoly with my kids. That’s really fun. My nine year old, she can totally do Monopoly. The six year old actually totally gets how the game works but she’s not emotionally developed enough to handle her inevitable loss in every game of Monopoly. Because, a Monopoly loss is dark. It’s heavy. It’s not like when you lose at Candyland. Oh, you got stuck in the fudgey thing, baby. Oh, well. You’re in the gummy twirly-ohs and you didn’t get to win. But when she loses at Monopoly I gotta look at her little face and go, Okay, sweetie, here’s what’s gonna happen now, okay? All your property, everything you have, all your railroads, your houses, all your money, that’s mine now. Gotta give it all to me. No, give it to me. That’s right. No, no you can’t play anymore, see, because even though you’re giving me all of that it doesn’t even touch how much you owe me. It doesn’t even touch it, baby. You’re going down hard. It’s really bad. All you’ve been working for all day, I’m going to take it now and I’m going to use it to destroy your sister. I mean, I’m going to ruin her. It’s just mayhem on this board for her now. When you have kids you also have to belong to kid and parent culture. You have to know a lot of parents and a lot of other kids. You have to hang out with other kids. Sometimes they’re not even kids you know. When I go to parks with my kids, I play with them. I play with my kids. Some people don’t do that. They just take their kids to the park so they don’t have to talk to them, and those kids kind of glom on to our shit. I’ll be sitting at the park playing a fun game with my kids and there’s this woman on a bench. She’s got her phone and she’s just staring at her phone. And her kid’s like, “Mommy, talk to me.” “Leave me alone. I’m trying to cheat on your father! Stop it!” And then the kid comes up to us, “Can I be in your family?” It’s creepy. One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she’s kicking. It was so much fun. And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It’s like a rat. Get off of me. “But I love you.” I don’t know you, kid. Stop. I think that kid’s dead. I don’t know what happened. Some kids in my kid’s class, I like some of those kids. Some of those kids are cool. They come over to my house and they play with my–I like them. Other kids I don’t like, especially the little boys. Little boys in my kid’s class, I hate them. I hate little boys. I’m like the opposite of a pedophile. I just hate– There’s one kid in my daughter’s class who I hate so much, and it’s really fucked up because I’m 44 and I hate a six year old. I mean, I hate him with a grown-up, pre-occupying hate. I’ve thought about him three times since I came out here. That’s how much I really hate this kid. I’m going to tell you about him and I have to make up a name because he’s a real child who lives in this city, so I have to make up a name in order to tell this story about him. His name is just, Jezanthepuss. Let’s just call him Jezanthepuss. Jezanthepuss. Fine. Okay. He’s in my daughter’s class. They’re in first grade. When we take our kids to class, there’s a little procedure. You bring your kid to school and they have their backpack and their jacket and they go to their cubby and take it all off and they put it in the cubby. Then they take their homework folder and their lunchbox and put them in the bins. Those are their little responsibilities. You help them do it so they’ll, blah blah blah. But, Jezanthepuss– When he comes in he doesn’t do none of that shit. He just walks in and just sheds it all. And his mom, his weak, piece of shit mom picks it all up. I hate his mother because you hate a weak parent, when you’re a parent. Because it’s like you’re raising Hitler, motherfucker. Do your job! Get in there. If our parent group and our class were a platoon of soldiers, she’d be the one that we’d put soap bars in socks and– We’d frag that bitch in her sleep. She would wash right the fuck out. She wouldn’t make it. When Jezanthepuss drops his shit, this bitch picks it up. She just goes, “He just… I’ll get…” “I’ll get it…” “And then I’ll put it in the bins for him.” And she puts it all away for him, which frees him up to punch other kids in the face because he’s a shitty, horrible, violent child. One time I was at school, and I was volunteering at recess. It’s something you do, you know, if you’re a good parent, about once a month or whatever it is. You go to school and you just stand there and you watch recess. You masturbate, whatever you want to do. That is now the worst thing. That’s the worst thing. Now that’s the worst thing I ever said. Okay. Alright. We’ll find it. I mean you could. It’s a public school nobody would even give a shit. But, I haven’t thus far. It hasn’t gotten that bad. Anyway, I’m watching recess and recess is a trip. If you’ve never been to recess, it’s intense because it’s like the universe. You know if you watch the ocean crash, waves on the beach for a long time, you start feeling like you’re understanding how everything works. That’s what recess is like, because every natural, chaotic energy is represented at recess. There’s kids swirling around in these big roiling crazy things. There’s one kid just spazzing out just to some singularity kid. It’s a binary system of two kids holding hands and they’re running and just clotheslining every child of a certain height. They’re keeping a uniform height to the playground. So I’m watching recess and I see Jezanthepuss. And he’s walking with this evil– This kid is like evil stuck out of time. He’s like– I always picture him in a gray fur coat with bones in it, and lots of rings from people that he killed, and just walking. And then I see my daughter and she’s standing there, just by herself. And there’s Jezanthepuss and I know he’s going for her. It was like an action movie thriller thing. And I think to myself, I gotta go there and I gotta protect her. But then I thought, let him do a little something first. Let him do just a little something, because I want this kid in my life. I want a reason. I want aerial photos of him doing some shit to my family that I can bring to the U.N. and get authority to waterboard this little motherfucker. I want to– I want to get him on a flight to Venezuela with an envelope on his head and duct tape and all that shit. So, anyway, he goes for her, grabs her arm, starts twisting it. She goes, “Ahhh!” I run over. I’m just knocking kids over. I run, grab him. I look in his little face and I go, Listen to me, Jezanthepuss. If you ever, ever, in your life, touch her again– And as I’m doing this I realize this is not cool that doing this. This is totally inappropriate. It’s really wrong. It’s way over the top. It’s too grown up. It’s like he’s a drug dealer in my building that I finally fucking– “This ends now, motherfucker or I will cut you. I don’t care.” And he’s– He starts crying pitifully. And I just, I really did this, I just walked away from him. I just got away. And then all the teachers– everybody gathers around. Jezanthepuss, what’s wrong with you? And he’s like– And he couldn’t articulate it because he’s not getting educated. Fuck him. I was there going, Yeah, you could have told on me bitch, but you’re too stupid now, which is your own fault, you future ditchdigging piece of shit. Oh, I’m going to love watching you grow up into nothing, motherfucker. I’m gonna watch it. I’m gonna fuck your mom and not call her too. I’m gonna ruin her summer. I’m gonna fuck your mom twice and then never call her. I don’t know your dad because he ran out on you, but I’m gonna find him. I’m gonna turn myself gay and then I’m going to fuck him too. I’m gonna fuck– I’m gonna suck his dick so good that he just has to change his whole life. And I’m gonna move into a place with him in the village for a couple of months and totally– He’ll cut off ties to all his life and start wearing cut-offs that are really tight. And he’ll just– And then I’ll go to some Christian turn-you-not-gay place. And then I’ll come back and go, “What’s wrong with you fag*ot?” Make him feel bad inside, like what has he done. But you gotta protect your kids, you know. You gotta. You gotta protect your kids. You gotta do it, man. A lot of people will talk the talk. A lot of people say that shit. “I would throw myself under a bus for my–” Oh, yeah, would you fuck another kid’s dad, and confuse him sexually, and yourself sexually in the process, and use homophobia that you hate, against another person, just because some kid shoved your kid for a second? That’s my baby girl. I gotta do it, son. I gotta suck that dick. That’s my baby girl. I gotta do it for her. Alright. Alright. Alright, I hate that child. That’s what I’m trying to say. I’ve been thinking about my memories because I have kids now. And my kids are at an age where I remember being their age. I remember being a six year old. I remember being a nine year old. And that’s a big threshold that my kids have crossed, that I remember being their age. Because when you’re raising kids, you’re not raising the kid in front of you. You’re raising the grown up that they’re going to be later. And I was a kid once. When they were babies, I didn’t really relate to them because they’re babies. A baby is not going to remember shit that is happening to it. If you have a baby, keep it alive and enjoy yourself. But really, the baby doesn’t– It’s not going to matter. A baby is not accumulating anything. It’s like an Etch A Sketch that you shake every day. It doesn’t really– It doesn’t matter. You could go up to your baby’s face every day and say, “Fuck you, baby.” every day and it wouldn’t matter. Hey, baby! You could do that every day and it wouldn’t matter. I mean, they’ll grow up with a general sadness inside. But they won’t– They won’t actually remember why. And memories are weird because memories get distorted by who you are now and who you were when you experienced them. I remember when I first started doing stand-up. I was living in Boston and there was one club that was owned by a gay guy. And my memory is that that guy was always trying to fuck me. That’s my memory. I’ve carried it for 20 years. There was a gay guy who tried to fuck me all the time. And recently I caught up with an old friend of mine from those days, who I hadn’t seen in years. And we started talking about different people and he brought him up. And I said, “That guy always used to try to fuck me.” And he goes, “He did?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he goes, “Really? Did he–” “I mean, did he like take you to his house or something and really try to physically…” No, it’s just that, you know what I mean. He was trying to fuck me all the time.” And he was like, “Well did he say– Did he push you– and say stuff all the time and make you uncomfortable?” No, it just was– And as we went through it, the truth came out. The whole story really was, there once was a gay man. That’s it. That’s really what happened. He was gay. I was 19. And now, “He tried to fuck me all the time.” I went through life with that. But I’ve been trying to remember my first memory. How far do my memories go? And I remembered my first memory. I was four years old. I was standing in front of my parents’ house and I was shitting in my pants. I was just shitting a massive, terribly painful shit. And I was half way through the shit. That’s my first memory, being half way– The first half of the shit, I don’t remember it. That’s still in the ether of infancy. The center of this shit was so wide that I actually came online as a result of the anal pain that I was experiencing. It actually awakened me –Yee-aahhh– into the stream of consciousness that I’m now living. That’s how my life started. That’s who I am. A lot of my memories I don’t like. I don’t like– When I was a teen-ager I hated all that time. I hated being a teen-ager, and then I discovered drugs. And then that’s all I gave a shit about. I don’t know how I’m gonna tell my kids. How the fuck do you compete with that. How do you take a miserable person with no control over their lives and tell them with a straight face, Uh, You can’t do drugs. You can’t do that, baby. All drugs are, are a perfect solution to every problem you have right now. How do you beat that? Drugs are so fucking good that they’ll ruin your life. That’s how good they are. I can’t do drugs now because I’m 44 and I can’t hook it up. I can’t make that happen. If you’re 44 and you want to get high, you gotta hurt your back. That’s pretty much the only option you have. Hurt your back, get some Percoset. And then get a babysitter and take three at a diner. Just, sad. I’m a little drowsy, woooo! I never really could have– I wish I was a drunk. I love romantically the idea of being a real drunk, in my bathrobe all day. Everybody who love’s me is always crying. “He’s destroying himself. I can’t watch anymore.” Shut up then. Showing up at my kids school play half way through. “You show ’em who you are, baby.” I wish I could be that guy. But I can’t drink because I just get tired. I go to sleep. I don’t know how people drink and then do shit. When I see movies or TV shows where there’s people in an office having a power meeting and they’re –clink clink– They’re making a drink in the daylight with a tie on. “Well, Senator, I hope you play ball with us on this construction deal, if you know what I’m saying.” “Yeah, we’ll see what’s in it for me.” How is the next scene not all those people just lying on the floor going, “Oh, fuck” “I can’t believe I drank whiskey at noon.” I can’t smoke pot because– It’s the same thing. I’m too old for it. Sometimes young people come up to me after shows. “Hey, do you want to smoke some pot.” I’m like, Can I get my portion to smoke without you, alone, later, because I don’t want to stand in a parking lot with some twenty year-olds. Last time I got high I was in Kansas City. And I got high because I was in Kansas City. It was shitty. So after the show, these kids that worked at the club were like, “You want to smoke some pot?” I’m like, “Yes.” So, I’m standing in a parking lot with these kids, like 20 years old, and we’re smoking a joint. And I’m taking huge hits because I had no idea. I didn’t know they had been working on this shit like it’s the cure for cancer. I didn’t understand the fucking technology that’s gone into making pot so powerful. Because when I was a kid you could just smoke a joint for a while. Now you take two hits and you go insane. It’s not doable anymore. And I was taking big hits, like big 1970’s, jean jacket, Bad Company hits. [singing] Here come the Jesters, one, two, three. [singing] It’s all part of my fantasy. And I’m like, “Yeah” And even the kid with the wooden hole of no ear the absense of flesh in his ear, with wood. I don’t know what that is. Even he was like, “You should be careful. That’s a lot of pot. That’s very strong marijuana.” Yeah, I’m fine. [singing] “Running with the devil.” And in about ten seconds, everything just– And I’m like, “Oh, shit.” This is an ordeal now. I’m not going to feel okay for a very long time. [sigh] And everybody’s just standing around and talking. And I’m hoping, I’m really hoping, that I look like this. But I’m pretty sure that I was just scanning insanely. I was actually counting. Look at her for five… four… three… two… …one. Switch to him. Five… four… three… …two. Randomize. Don’t go in the same direction. Five… four… …three. Nod your head. That looks like you’re listening if you nod your head. And at one point I realized, I need to get out of here, because the air is hitting my arm weirdly and they can tell. They totally know that I am not handling the way air is touching my arm right now. Why am I doing that with my hand. That’s weird to do with your hand. Nobody stands like this. Nobody stands like this. Just fucking– No, that’s also– That’s weird too. That’s crazy. Just– Shit. I gotta go. But I didn’t know how to leave, because I had this dilemma. We’re all standing in a perfect circle, facing each other. And I thought it’s going to be insane if I just turn my– I’m one person with my back now. Do I just back away like this and hope that they fill in? And then I thought, no, say something. Say something out loud to them that smooths the transition of you leaving. Okay, what do I say? Pick a thing to say. Goodbye. That’s a nightmare. That’s just… Goodbye? That’s not even– that’s just noises. Finally I walked away and I said, “I’m leaving!” I know it was that bad because they all went, “Whoa. Shit. Okay. Alright. Whoa.” I’ll never see those people again as long I live. And then I had to get in the car. I forgot that I had rented a car and I have to drive back to the hotel. And I’m driving on this highway in Missouri. And at one point I realized, I think it’s been about 25 minutes since I had looked out the front window of this car. I’ve just been dealing with shit directly in– Oh, shit. There’s a whole spectrum of responsibility out here. I’m supposed to take part in this. And then at one point I remember I was at a drive through, and I was terrified. Because there’s a lady sticking her head out a window. And she’s mad. She’s going, “Sir!” “Sirrr!” I just kept saying, I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know! I had the window closed. I had no fucking idea. What part of the transaction am I–? Did I pay yet? Have I ordered? Have I been sitting here for 40 minutes just eating at the window, and I ate the paper and everything? “Sirrr!” And I just went, I don’t know! I don’t want it! And I just fucking bolted. So I can’t do that anymore. But you get older and some things you can’t do anymore. Some things you don’t want to do anymore. It’s a nice change. You feel some desires fall away. New things make you happy. But some things don’t change and some things I’m sick of. Like the constant just the constant perverted, sexual thoughts. I’m so tired of those. Just the constant– Suck it. It just makes me into an idiot. I’m jacking off to morons. “Look at my tits.” Yeah, your tits are awesome. It’s just a dumb part of life that I’m sick of. It’s all day too. It’s just– You can’t have a day. I just want to be a person in clothes walking in a store and just– I just want to go to the library and ask for– Hi, ma’am, is there– I’m looking for a book about early Abraham Lincoln, like when he was– I wish I could wrap your hair around my dick and– Oh, shit. I’m trying to talk to her! [sigh] That’s really a male problem. It’s really a male problem, not being able to control your constant sexual impulse. Women try to compete. “Well, I’m a pervert. You don’t know.” “I have really sick sexual thoughts.” No, you have no idea. You have no idea. See, you get to have those thoughts. I have to have them. You’re a tourist in sexual perversion. I’m a prisoner there. You’re Jane Fonda on a tank. I’m John McCain in the hut. It’s a nightmare. I can’t lift my arms. And for men, sex just is such a constant thing. It’s not even sex to us. It’s just pussy. That’s what we call it. Pussy… it has nothing to do with women. It’s not about girls or chicks like it was in the 50’s. There’s no guys anywhere in the world saying, “Let’s go meet some chicks and kiss them on the mouth and see what happens.” There’s none of that. “Mmmm, I sure would like to have my arm around a girl.” “Mmmm, Vanessa, I love–” No, it’s not. It’s just pussy. Pussy. It’s not even a pussy. It’s not some peoples’ pussies. It’s just pussy. Like big pink balloon letters in front of our faces all the time. To men it’s just an element of the universe, like it should be on the chart of the elements next to tin and ammonia. P-y with an atomic weight of 12 or whatever pussy atoms weigh. The sad thing is that for all our obsession about sex and how much we love it, we suck at it. Men are terrible at sex. It never even occurs to us to do it well. Women just make sex great. Women are the good part of sex. They accept the dick with grace and they turn it into art. Or they climb on and they ride. They go for a ride. Men don’t. We just climb on. [grunting] I’m putting my dick in you. Put it in. Shove it in. Shove it. [grunting] You ever fuck when you’re out of shape? You’re like, “Ugh, shit. This is–” My stomach muscles are not strong. [grunting]
We’re so bad at sex and then we wonder why women aren’t really aggressive about sex. We think it’s because they don’t have as much desire as we do. That’s how stupid men are. We think they’re just weird. “Women are fucked up in the head, because they don’t want to just fuck all the time.” “If I was a women, I’d just fuck everybody.” “Why don’t they want to fuck all the time? I do.” Of course you do, because when you fuck, you get to fuck a woman. When she fucks, she has to fuck a guy. Wildly different experience. For a man, 100% of the time he’s fucking a woman it’s the greatest thing that ever happened in his entire life. For a woman, about 40% of the time she’s being fucked by a guy she’s thinking, “I’ll get over this in a week. It’s not the worst thing.” “I’m not going to cry this time.” Another thing that proves how bad men are at sex is that after sex you’re looking at two very different people. The man just wants to lay there and be cool and the woman wants to cuddle. It’s something that men love to make fun of women for. “They always want to cuddle. It’s so needy.” “I already fucked you. Just let me watch the game.” “I’m so cool.” “What are you thinking about?” “Shut up. Leave me alone.” “Why is she so needy?” She’s not needy, you idiot. She’s horny, because you did nothing for her. You did absolutely nothing. Her pussy is on fire because it’s gone unfucked completely. Of course you’re fine, because you climbed on and went– and then rolled off. And she’s on you because she’s going, “What the–? Something else has to happen!” “This is bullshit!” If you fuck a woman well she will leave you alone. “Thanks a lot, buddy.” [snoring] Thanks a lot, folks. I hope you enjoyed the show. You guys were great. Thank you very very much. Good night. | [indistinct chatter] — Louis! — Louis! [indistinct chatter] [cheering] Alright, let’s get started. Go ahead, sit down. Okay, yes, sit down, we’re just starting. There’s no opening act. Fuck it. Just, let’s start. Let’s just start. Get your seats. Get your beers and everybody go ahead, sit down. Kill the house lights. Let’s just start. Let’s just start a show. There’s no point in screwing around. I’ll do all the announcements that you would have heard. Please turn off your cell phones. You can take pictures but turn off the flash. That’s stupid, because it’s not– You know when you’re watching the World Series and there’s all that– Like your flash is lighting Yankee Stadium. Just leave your flash off. Don’t yell out during the show. If you have something you want to say to me… This is what we do. We write it down and then you go outside in the lobby and then you go home and you kill yourself because, that’s selfish. This is a rhetorical performance. It’s got nothing to do with you. Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Just, because also– also– it lights up your big dumb face. It lights it up. I see this beautiful see of darkness and then just one guy. So, don’t do that. What else? No Jews, I think they said that earlier. They told me I have to say it. Jews aren’t allowed. If you’re Jewish this is a good time to go. If you see somebody kind of Jewey looking then please tell an usher and they will– Sir, come on. Let’s go. Come on. Yes, let’s go. But, I’m really glad you’re here. This is a sizeable crowd. This is a big place. There’s about 2500 people here, and that’s– That’s a lot of people. That’s enough people to be a sample of the population. 2500 people is enough people that you’re all going to experience– There’s enough people here to say that within two months at least one of you will die. I’m just saying. I think it’s probably accurate to say that out of any random group of 2500 people not all of you are gonna make it to Christmas, unfortunately. There’s gonna be– At least one of you here tonight is going to ruin your family’s Christmas by dying a shitty death. And I don’t know who it is, I’m sorry. I don’t know, your death is whatever– Some people, they want you to do things when they die with their– “I want you to take my ashes and sprinkle–” Fuck you, I’m not doing none of that shit. You’re dead. I’m not going to run errands for you after you’re dead. You don’t matter anymore. Some people try to do something noble with their bodies. They try to have their bodies have some use after they’re dead, which I think is a good thought. You’re only borrowing your body. You’re only borrowing everything. If you’re body’s worth anything when you’re done with it you should pass it on. That’s something I really believe. I mean, I’m not going to do it, because I don’t want–eew–it’s mine. I don’t want– I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of them. That’s just the way I am. They’re just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They’re my little believes. They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want or I want to jack off or something, I fucking do that. But– But some people take their– my grandma, uh, grandmother She–just, uh, for the layman– My grandmother, she gave her body to a medical school for it just to be examined and dissected, which is a good thought for that. But you know her survivors are–her family— That was a person. That was my grandmother. She used to wear glasses and say things. And now she’s just shaved head on a metal table with a hungover medical student trying to dig our her pancreas. And he gets an “F”. Imagine being the body where the kid got an “F” on you. The teacher’s like, “No, you idiot.” And he writes “F” on her tit with a Sharpie and just throws her down a shoot on a pile of “F” bodies. So, I don’t care about her. [shout from audience] Louis! Shut up, idiot. Just shut your fucking mouth. Didn’t you hear me before? Okay, so what am I going to do with my body. I’m going to die and I have to tell people what to do with my remains. I have an idea for something to do with my body or for other people to do with it, that will do good in the world. It doesn’t exist yet as an institution but I’m gonna create it, starting with my body. What it is, it’s a place where you can go and be with a dead body and you just do whatever you want. And– the point of this is that there are people out there who have sexual compulsions and they can’t control them and so they go and they bother alive people. And with this you get it out of your system. This is the deal. You go in the room. There’s nobody else with you. You’ve got 90 minutes. You just do whatever you want, whatever it is. Shit in my mouth. You want to– Stick my toe in your pussy. Piss on my face. Whatever is the thing you gotta do. Jack off with the cartilage of my ear. Whatever is your heart’s desire. I want to be the Willy Wonka for perverts. [singing] You can come on my back and pretend that I’m your father. [singing] I am dead, I don’t mind. Sexual perversion is a problem. You can’t stop it. People gotta do what they gotta do. This country is pretty perverted. We have to jack off to everything. There’s not sex and then everything. Sex is in everything. You watch the news and there’s a woman telling you, “And in Libya…” Yeah tell me about Libya. Fucking tell me about Libya. Say, “Libya” again. Come on, fucking right up to the screen, on my flatscreen. Come on, say, “Libya” again. [grunting] It should just be a person, “In Libya…” or whatever. Why does it all have to be so sexualized? And music, every musician is attractive. Isn’t that a weird coincidence that everyone who can play music also looks good? I would have thought there’d be one ugly guy with a guitar who would be amazing. But, fucking zero. And there’s teen pop idols who are children. And they’re on TV going– It’s a kid and folks are jacking off to them. “Folks.” Just “Folks” are jacking off. [singing] Well, folks are jacking off to the girls on TV. Some of them are really young. I don’t know their names. I don’t have that knowledge anymore. I’m too old. When I think of a teen idol, there’s Britney Spears. Because she’s my age now. That’s how long ago that was. She caught up to me. When I was 35, she was 18. And now we’re both 44 years old. So that’s how little I know about who these people are. I was thinking the other day, what if there was a baby who was born and there’s been a lot of fucked up babies, all kinds of babies born. There’s been babies connected at the face, to a dog or whatever, babies with three legs, with hands on them. There’s been Chinese babies. That’s– Okay, that’s– That’s the worst thing I ever said. I think I just finally said the worst thing I have ever said. That was totally unredeeming and horrible. And it feels good. It feels good to have found bottom. There’s a comfort in knowing that I just said the worst thing I’ll ever say in the rest of my life. [exhaling] It’s good. All right. Yeah, I’m not a good guy. I am not. I wish I was a good guy. I like the idea of being a good guy. Sometimes I have the opportunity to be a good guy and then I don’t necessarily do it. I was on a plane once and I was flying first class, because I had a thing. I first class. Who cares? Just– That’s the way it is. I don’t– I’m not like you. I’m not. I’m not. All the things you do, I do a better version of all those things. And– It’s only for another year at the most, believe me. It’s not gonna last. It’s been about eight months. I’ve got a year left and then I’m back to being just like you. But for now, it’s pretty good. I’m in a first class seat and first class is so crazily better. It’s so much better. You get a bigger seat. You get food. But also, you get to sit first. You get to sit before anybody else does. They sit you down and you get to just sit there with champagne and watch all the sweaty, miserable, all the single moms hefting their stroller and the kid. “That looks heavy and nobody’s helping you. That’s a drag.” And you get to just– Anyway, so I’m on the plane. I’m in first class and this soldier gets on the plane. I see soldiers fly all the time because that’s how they get to the war. They fly on a shitty airline. You think they get to go on a cool green plane with a red light. “Go! Go! Go!” No, they just go to Delta. And they just wait in line to go to a war. And they always fly coach. I’ve never seen a soldier in first class in my life. It could be a full bird colonel, he’s between two fat guys in coach. And they’re always nice. I’ve never seen a soldier get on a plane– “Hey, I’m in the Army.” “Fuck you. I have a gun.” They’re always, “Oh, yes sir. Thank you very much ma’am.” It’s like having an extra flight attendant. They help everybody put their shit up. They’re awesome. And every time that I see a soldier on a plane, I always think, You know what, I should give him my seat. It would be the right thing to do. It would be easy to do and it would mean a lot to him. I could go up to him, “Hey, Son.” I get to call him, “Son.” “Hey, son, go ahead and take my seat.” Because I’m in first class, why, for being a professional asshole. I’m in first class because I talk about babies with big dicks. That’s what got me my seat. This guy is giving his life for the country, he thinks, and so he has to sit– But that’s good enough. That’s good enough, the fact that he thinks it. I’m serious. He’s fucking told by everybody in his life system that that’s a great thing to do and he’s doing it. And it’s scary but he’s doing it. And he’s sitting in this shitty seat and I should trade with him. I never have. Let me make that clear. I’ve never done it once. I’ve had so many opportunities. I never even really, seriously came close. And here’s the worst part. I still just enjoy the fantasy for myself to enjoy. I was actually proud of myself for having thought of it. I was proud. Ah, I am such a sweet man. That is so nice of me to think of that and then totally never do it. At least you should be good just to the people– Just turn a good face to the people that you see in life. I don’t do that either because when I get in the elevator in my building– That’s my first contact with human beings after being home and just being disgusting for hours. Then I come out of the elevator and there’s always a guy on the elevator who’s nice. And I hate it. I get really upset when people say nice things to me. That’s not a good impulse. I get in the elevator and there’s always this one guy who just– He sticks his face right in the front of his fucking head. “Hi!” He just floats it out there like a big balloon. “Hey, how’s it going?” I get upset. I get cagey. I get this weird impulse that I want to come on his face. I don’t know why that’s the thing, but that’s what I think about. I wish I could just secrete come without the sexual workup, like as a defense, like a squid or a skunk. Not sexually. I mean aggressively. “Hi!” [spurt] “Jesus, man.” “You just came in my eye.” I just want to go downstairs. I don’t want to talk. Alright, this is going a little off the rails. I don’t remember what I was trying to say. I’d like to be a better person. I would. I’d like to be a better person. And I think I’m getting worse as a person. Because as you get older you start finding out– Let me give you an example. I rented a car a couple weeks ago, in Los Angeles I had the car for a few days and then when I went home I had to drop the car at the rental place. You gotta go to the rental place that’s off the airport, give them the car, give them your thing with the mileage. You gotta get on a bus and then go to your terminal and check in. I was late and I was worried about missing my flight. So I knew I had no time to do any of that. So I just –I never did this before– I just drove my car right to the terminal and just left it there. Then I got on the plane. Once I got on the plane and had a moment I called Hertz and I said, Hey, listen, your car is sitting out in front of terminal four and the keys are in it. So, that’s where it is.” And the guy’s like, “You can’t do that.” “You have to return it to the location and then get–” Well, I didn’t do that already, and now I’m leaving California. So if you want your car you need to go to that place where it is. And he was like, “Awww, Jesus man.” “Well, alright. We’ll get it.” And he– That was the end of it. And I realized I could do this every time, every time I rented a car. Because of course they want you to do all that shit. But if you don’t they still want the car back. They’re going to send a dude. You could drive a car until you don’t want it. Just get out of it while it’s moving and just walk away. No, I don’t feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you’re interested. It’s now your problem. But see, this is a terrible realization because you should act in a way that if everybody acted that way things would work out. You should, because it would be mayhem if everybody was like that. And most people kind of don’t care. Most people are very selfish. Most people don’t give a shit what happens as long as they get to do their favorite thing. People don’t even want to back off from their favorite thing. They won’t even do their second favorite thing. You ever seen somebody in trouble, like they’re at an intersection and they want to make a left, but they’re in the right– the all the way right lane because they messed up. So, here’s the guy. He’s in the right lane. And there’s a lot cars, like 6th avenue. A lot of cars. And he wants to make that left. So what does he do? He just does it anyway. He just goes at it. He just shoves his car through everybody’s life without any– And everybody’s honking and outraged and you always see they guy go, “I have to. I have to.” “There’s no other possible thing I could do.” “What else could I do, except go up one more block and then go left and take four seconds.” “That’s not my favorite way, though!” “That only meets 99% of my criteria.” But I’m selfish. I would like to be a better person, because I have kids. And I want to pass on a better– Sometimes it’s not clear what the right thing is to do. One time I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I didn’t do it like, “Yeah!” I just– Yeah, take that shit, street. I did it because I was shaking. I wanted the candy. Anyway, I was with a friend who said to me, “You just littered on the street. Don’t you care about the environment?” And I thought about it and I said, You know what, this isn’t ‘The Environment’. This is New York City. This is not ‘The Environment’. This is where people live. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. It’s the giantest, next to Mexico City, the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smoking, stinking piece of litter. So if you have a piece of litter, what are you supposed to do with it? You should throw it on the pile of litter. Because if you don’t, if you put it in a receptacle then it gets collected and it gets taken to a dump and a landfill and then it goes on a boat. And it goes out and gets dumped in the ocean and some dolphin wears it as a hat on its face for ten years, this hat that never dissolves, on its face. Ugh. Jesus. [dolphin clicking] Everything that we introduce to the world is shitty… …meaning white people. Because– I really think that white people are from another planet because when we came to America, it was so nice. It was just Indians. And they weren’t even Indians. We called them that by accident. And we still call them that. We knew in a month that it wasn’t Indians but we just don’t give a shit. We never correct it. We came here. They’re like, “Hi.” And we’re like, “Hey, you’re Indians, right?” And they’re like, “No.” “No, this is India, right?” “No, it’s not. It’s a totally other place.” “You’re not Indians?” “No.” “Ahh, you’re Indians.” “You’re Indians for hundreds of years after.” We ruined everything here. This was the great– It was just coast-to-coast green, brown and beautiful. And all the humans were just walking around with painted faces, just walking. And they’d be like, “Oh, that looks yummy.” And they’d just eat from the ground. And then they’d sleep on the grass. And they’d wake up and they’d fuck. And then they’d go for a swim and do a little dance. That was the whole continent, just folks doing that. I mean there was people in Mexico cutting off kids’ heads and rolling them down the pyramid stairs. But that’s– I mean… That’s always going on. You know– You can’t do a whole lot about that. But I think we came from another planet and the reason is we don’t like it here. Why, if we’re from here, if we belong on Earth, why aren’t we comfortable on Earth, at all? We need nice smooth surfaces and right angles and we need it to be cool and not too hot, just a little dit-dit just perfect. Why wouldn’t, when it’s hot, why wouldn’t we just– “Yeah, fuck it.” Why wouldn’t we be like that if we belonged here? And it’s weird because people that are– You know, there’s environmentalists and there’s people who just hate environmentalists. People get angry at environmentalists because they think they’re slowing down the economy and creating restrictions and a lot of these people are Christian. A lot of these people are very devout Christians and that’s such a confusing thing to me, that if you believe that God gave you the Earth, that God created Earth for you, why would you not have to look after it? Why the fuck– Why would you not think that when he came back he wouldn’t go, “What the fuck did you do?” “I gave this to you, motherfucker. Are you crazy?” “The polar bears are brown.” “What did you do to the polar bears?” “Did you shit all over every polar bear?” “What did you–who did this? Who spilled this shit? Who spilled this?” “Come over here. Did you fucking spill this? What is that?” “It’s oil. It’s just some oil. I didn’t mean to spill–” “Well why did you take it out of the fucking ground?” “Because I wanted to go faster.” “I’m not fast enough.” “And I was cold.” “What the fuck do you mean, ‘cold’?” “I gave you everything you needed, you piece of shit.” “Well, because jobs, and I wanted–” “What is a job? Explain to me, what’s a fucking job?” “Well, like you work at a place and people call when their game doesn’t work and you help them figure it out.” “What do you do that for?” “For money.” “What do you need money for?” “Food.” “Just eat the shit on the floor.” “I left shit all over the floor.” “Fucking corn and wheat and shit. Grind it up, make some bread. What are you doing?” “Yeah, but it doesn’t have, like, bacon around it.” “And like– I like when it has bacon on it.” I watched somebody do that the other day after a meal they went, “Oh, it was just–” And I started wondering, what does that mean? What does that signify? I think what it means is that you ate something so delicious that you then kissed somebody on the asshole and their asshole exploded. That’s some good eating. That’s a nice sauce. “Is that good?” “Yeah, let me show you.” “Shit. Let me have some of that.” That just destroyed my anus. Anyway, I got kids and that’s sort of what I’m trying to say. It’s hard having kids because it’s boring. That really is the hardest part of having kids. Ask any parent, What’s the hard part? Is it looking after their health care? Is it making sure that their education– No, it’s being with them on the floor while they be children. It’s just– They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page. And you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time. I hate Clifford the Big Red Dog. I hate him. There’s 50 books about Clifford the Big Red Dog. Fifty books. There’s seven books about Narnia that cover the birth and death of a nation and mice with swords and a lion who’s a god. They did it in seven books. Fifty books about Clifford the Big Red Dog, and they all tell the exact same story. Look how big this dog is. That’s it. Look how big this dog is. That’s the whole book. Here’s how big he was at the firehouse. Here’s how big he was at Thanksgiving. Who gives a shit? You just drew him big. You just, on purpose, made him bigger than people. It should be, “Look how big I drew the dog in this book.” “Isn’t that a mistake?” There’s no story. You maybe even just drew him closer to the page. I don’t even know if you did it honestly. Tell a story about Clifford. Make something happen, where maybe he steps on a policeman and shatters his spine and it’s devastating to the community. He hangs on for two months and then dies. And there’s a whole, you know, funeral with bagpipes and everybody’s crying. And Clifford gets the death penalty. There’s a whole book about his appeal process and how he found Jesus but everybody said it was bullshit. The cop’s wife was like, “I want that dog dead!” And then he goes to the chair and they shave all his red fur off and now he’s Clifford the Big Pink Dog. Put him on a big funny electric chair that the town got together and built. It’s boring having kids. You gotta play kid games. You gotta play board games, little kid board games where you– And then you go dit-dit-dit You got a six, honey. One. Two. Three. It’s just here. Just go here. It’s just– Daddy, I’m learning. I know. You’re going to grow up stupid because I’m bored. I can’t take it, baby. I can’t. I can’t watch it. I’m bored more than I love you. I can’t. I just– Come on. My girls are six and nine now. They’re actually a really exciting age because they’re learning to do some cool stuff. I played Monopoly with my kids. That’s really fun. My nine year old, she can totally do Monopoly. The six year old actually totally gets how the game works but she’s not emotionally developed enough to handle her inevitable loss in every game of Monopoly. Because, a Monopoly loss is dark. It’s heavy. It’s not like when you lose at Candyland. Oh, you got stuck in the fudgey thing, baby. Oh, well. You’re in the gummy twirly-ohs and you didn’t get to win. But when she loses at Monopoly I gotta look at her little face and go, Okay, sweetie, here’s what’s gonna happen now, okay? All your property, everything you have, all your railroads, your houses, all your money, that’s mine now. Gotta give it all to me. No, give it to me. That’s right. No, no you can’t play anymore, see, because even though you’re giving me all of that it doesn’t even touch how much you owe me. It doesn’t even touch it, baby. You’re going down hard. It’s really bad. All you’ve been working for all day, I’m going to take it now and I’m going to use it to destroy your sister. I mean, I’m going to ruin her. It’s just mayhem on this board for her now. When you have kids you also have to belong to kid and parent culture. You have to know a lot of parents and a lot of other kids. You have to hang out with other kids. Sometimes they’re not even kids you know. When I go to parks with my kids, I play with them. I play with my kids. Some people don’t do that. They just take their kids to the park so they don’t have to talk to them, and those kids kind of glom on to our shit. I’ll be sitting at the park playing a fun game with my kids and there’s this woman on a bench. She’s got her phone and she’s just staring at her phone. And her kid’s like, “Mommy, talk to me.” “Leave me alone. I’m trying to cheat on your father! Stop it!” And then the kid comes up to us, “Can I be in your family?” It’s creepy. One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she’s kicking. It was so much fun. And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It’s like a rat. Get off of me. “But I love you.” I don’t know you, kid. Stop. I think that kid’s dead. I don’t know what happened. Some kids in my kid’s class, I like some of those kids. Some of those kids are cool. They come over to my house and they play with my–I like them. Other kids I don’t like, especially the little boys. Little boys in my kid’s class, I hate them. I hate little boys. I’m like the opposite of a pedophile. I just hate– There’s one kid in my daughter’s class who I hate so much, and it’s really fucked up because I’m 44 and I hate a six year old. I mean, I hate him with a grown-up, pre-occupying hate. I’ve thought about him three times since I came out here. That’s how much I really hate this kid. I’m going to tell you about him and I have to make up a name because he’s a real child who lives in this city, so I have to make up a name in order to tell this story about him. His name is just, Jezanthepuss. Let’s just call him Jezanthepuss. Jezanthepuss. Fine. Okay. He’s in my daughter’s class. They’re in first grade. When we take our kids to class, there’s a little procedure. You bring your kid to school and they have their backpack and their jacket and they go to their cubby and take it all off and they put it in the cubby. Then they take their homework folder and their lunchbox and put them in the bins. Those are their little responsibilities. You help them do it so they’ll, blah blah blah. But, Jezanthepuss– When he comes in he doesn’t do none of that shit. He just walks in and just sheds it all. And his mom, his weak, piece of shit mom picks it all up. I hate his mother because you hate a weak parent, when you’re a parent. Because it’s like you’re raising Hitler, motherfucker. Do your job! Get in there. If our parent group and our class were a platoon of soldiers, she’d be the one that we’d put soap bars in socks and– We’d frag that bitch in her sleep. She would wash right the fuck out. She wouldn’t make it. When Jezanthepuss drops his shit, this bitch picks it up. She just goes, “He just… I’ll get…” “I’ll get it…” “And then I’ll put it in the bins for him.” And she puts it all away for him, which frees him up to punch other kids in the face because he’s a shitty, horrible, violent child. One time I was at school, and I was volunteering at recess. It’s something you do, you know, if you’re a good parent, about once a month or whatever it is. You go to school and you just stand there and you watch recess. You masturbate, whatever you want to do. That is now the worst thing. That’s the worst thing. Now that’s the worst thing I ever said. Okay. Alright. We’ll find it. I mean you could. It’s a public school nobody would even give a shit. But, I haven’t thus far. It hasn’t gotten that bad. Anyway, I’m watching recess and recess is a trip. If you’ve never been to recess, it’s intense because it’s like the universe. You know if you watch the ocean crash, waves on the beach for a long time, you start feeling like you’re understanding how everything works. That’s what recess is like, because every natural, chaotic energy is represented at recess. There’s kids swirling around in these big roiling crazy things. There’s one kid just spazzing out just to some singularity kid. It’s a binary system of two kids holding hands and they’re running and just clotheslining every child of a certain height. They’re keeping a uniform height to the playground. So I’m watching recess and I see Jezanthepuss. And he’s walking with this evil– This kid is like evil stuck out of time. He’s like– I always picture him in a gray fur coat with bones in it, and lots of rings from people that he killed, and just walking. And then I see my daughter and she’s standing there, just by herself. And there’s Jezanthepuss and I know he’s going for her. It was like an action movie thriller thing. And I think to myself, I gotta go there and I gotta protect her. But then I thought, let him do a little something first. Let him do just a little something, because I want this kid in my life. I want a reason. I want aerial photos of him doing some shit to my family that I can bring to the U.N. and get authority to waterboard this little motherfucker. I want to– I want to get him on a flight to Venezuela with an envelope on his head and duct tape and all that shit. So, anyway, he goes for her, grabs her arm, starts twisting it. She goes, “Ahhh!” I run over. I’m just knocking kids over. I run, grab him. I look in his little face and I go, Listen to me, Jezanthepuss. If you ever, ever, in your life, touch her again– And as I’m doing this I realize this is not cool that doing this. This is totally inappropriate. It’s really wrong. It’s way over the top. It’s too grown up. It’s like he’s a drug dealer in my building that I finally fucking– “This ends now, motherfucker or I will cut you. I don’t care.” And he’s– He starts crying pitifully. And I just, I really did this, I just walked away from him. I just got away. And then all the teachers– everybody gathers around. Jezanthepuss, what’s wrong with you? And he’s like– And he couldn’t articulate it because he’s not getting educated. Fuck him. I was there going, Yeah, you could have told on me bitch, but you’re too stupid now, which is your own fault, you future ditchdigging piece of shit. Oh, I’m going to love watching you grow up into nothing, motherfucker. I’m gonna watch it. I’m gonna fuck your mom and not call her too. I’m gonna ruin her summer. I’m gonna fuck your mom twice and then never call her. I don’t know your dad because he ran out on you, but I’m gonna find him. I’m gonna turn myself gay and then I’m going to fuck him too. I’m gonna fuck– I’m gonna suck his dick so good that he just has to change his whole life. And I’m gonna move into a place with him in the village for a couple of months and totally– He’ll cut off ties to all his life and start wearing cut-offs that are really tight. And he’ll just– And then I’ll go to some Christian turn-you-not-gay place. And then I’ll come back and go, “What’s wrong with you fag*ot?” Make him feel bad inside, like what has he done. But you gotta protect your kids, you know. You gotta. You gotta protect your kids. You gotta do it, man. A lot of people will talk the talk. A lot of people say that shit. “I would throw myself under a bus for my–” Oh, yeah, would you fuck another kid’s dad, and confuse him sexually, and yourself sexually in the process, and use homophobia that you hate, against another person, just because some kid shoved your kid for a second? That’s my baby girl. I gotta do it, son. I gotta suck that dick. That’s my baby girl. I gotta do it for her. Alright. Alright. Alright, I hate that child. That’s what I’m trying to say. I’ve been thinking about my memories because I have kids now. And my kids are at an age where I remember being their age. I remember being a six year old. I remember being a nine year old. And that’s a big threshold that my kids have crossed, that I remember being their age. Because when you’re raising kids, you’re not raising the kid in front of you. You’re raising the grown up that they’re going to be later. And I was a kid once. When they were babies, I didn’t really relate to them because they’re babies. A baby is not going to remember shit that is happening to it. If you have a baby, keep it alive and enjoy yourself. But really, the baby doesn’t– It’s not going to matter. A baby is not accumulating anything. It’s like an Etch A Sketch that you shake every day. It doesn’t really– It doesn’t matter. You could go up to your baby’s face every day and say, “Fuck you, baby.” every day and it wouldn’t matter. Hey, baby! You could do that every day and it wouldn’t matter. I mean, they’ll grow up with a general sadness inside. But they won’t– They won’t actually remember why. And memories are weird because memories get distorted by who you are now and who you were when you experienced them. I remember when I first started doing stand-up. I was living in Boston and there was one club that was owned by a gay guy. And my memory is that that guy was always trying to fuck me. That’s my memory. I’ve carried it for 20 years. There was a gay guy who tried to fuck me all the time. And recently I caught up with an old friend of mine from those days, who I hadn’t seen in years. And we started talking about different people and he brought him up. And I said, “That guy always used to try to fuck me.” And he goes, “He did?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he goes, “Really? Did he–” “I mean, did he like take you to his house or something and really try to physically…” No, it’s just that, you know what I mean. He was trying to fuck me all the time.” And he was like, “Well did he say– Did he push you– and say stuff all the time and make you uncomfortable?” No, it just was– And as we went through it, the truth came out. The whole story really was, there once was a gay man. That’s it. That’s really what happened. He was gay. I was 19. And now, “He tried to fuck me all the time.” I went through life with that. But I’ve been trying to remember my first memory. How far do my memories go? And I remembered my first memory. I was four years old. I was standing in front of my parents’ house and I was shitting in my pants. I was just shitting a massive, terribly painful shit. And I was half way through the shit. That’s my first memory, being half way– The first half of the shit, I don’t remember it. That’s still in the ether of infancy. The center of this shit was so wide that I actually came online as a result of the anal pain that I was experiencing. It actually awakened me –Yee-aahhh– into the stream of consciousness that I’m now living. That’s how my life started. That’s who I am. A lot of my memories I don’t like. I don’t like– When I was a teen-ager I hated all that time. I hated being a teen-ager, and then I discovered drugs. And then that’s all I gave a shit about. I don’t know how I’m gonna tell my kids. How the fuck do you compete with that. How do you take a miserable person with no control over their lives and tell them with a straight face, Uh, You can’t do drugs. You can’t do that, baby. All drugs are, are a perfect solution to every problem you have right now. How do you beat that? Drugs are so fucking good that they’ll ruin your life. That’s how good they are. I can’t do drugs now because I’m 44 and I can’t hook it up. I can’t make that happen. If you’re 44 and you want to get high, you gotta hurt your back. That’s pretty much the only option you have. Hurt your back, get some Percoset. And then get a babysitter and take three at a diner. Just, sad. I’m a little drowsy, woooo! I never really could have– I wish I was a drunk. I love romantically the idea of being a real drunk, in my bathrobe all day. Everybody who love’s me is always crying. “He’s destroying himself. I can’t watch anymore.” Shut up then. Showing up at my kids school play half way through. “You show ’em who you are, baby.” I wish I could be that guy. But I can’t drink because I just get tired. I go to sleep. I don’t know how people drink and then do shit. When I see movies or TV shows where there’s people in an office having a power meeting and they’re –clink clink– They’re making a drink in the daylight with a tie on. “Well, Senator, I hope you play ball with us on this construction deal, if you know what I’m saying.” “Yeah, we’ll see what’s in it for me.” How is the next scene not all those people just lying on the floor going, “Oh, fuck” “I can’t believe I drank whiskey at noon.” I can’t smoke pot because– It’s the same thing. I’m too old for it. Sometimes young people come up to me after shows. “Hey, do you want to smoke some pot.” I’m like, Can I get my portion to smoke without you, alone, later, because I don’t want to stand in a parking lot with some twenty year-olds. Last time I got high I was in Kansas City. And I got high because I was in Kansas City. It was shitty. So after the show, these kids that worked at the club were like, “You want to smoke some pot?” I’m like, “Yes.” So, I’m standing in a parking lot with these kids, like 20 years old, and we’re smoking a joint. And I’m taking huge hits because I had no idea. I didn’t know they had been working on this shit like it’s the cure for cancer. I didn’t understand the fucking technology that’s gone into making pot so powerful. Because when I was a kid you could just smoke a joint for a while. Now you take two hits and you go insane. It’s not doable anymore. And I was taking big hits, like big 1970’s, jean jacket, Bad Company hits. [singing] Here come the Jesters, one, two, three. [singing] It’s all part of my fantasy. And I’m like, “Yeah” And even the kid with the wooden hole of no ear the absense of flesh in his ear, with wood. I don’t know what that is. Even he was like, “You should be careful. That’s a lot of pot. That’s very strong marijuana.” Yeah, I’m fine. [singing] “Running with the devil.” And in about ten seconds, everything just– And I’m like, “Oh, shit.” This is an ordeal now. I’m not going to feel okay for a very long time. [sigh] And everybody’s just standing around and talking. And I’m hoping, I’m really hoping, that I look like this. But I’m pretty sure that I was just scanning insanely. I was actually counting. Look at her for five… four… three… two… …one. Switch to him. Five… four… three… …two. Randomize. Don’t go in the same direction. Five… four… …three. Nod your head. That looks like you’re listening if you nod your head. And at one point I realized, I need to get out of here, because the air is hitting my arm weirdly and they can tell. They totally know that I am not handling the way air is touching my arm right now. Why am I doing that with my hand. That’s weird to do with your hand. Nobody stands like this. Nobody stands like this. Just fucking– No, that’s also– That’s weird too. That’s crazy. Just– Shit. I gotta go. But I didn’t know how to leave, because I had this dilemma. We’re all standing in a perfect circle, facing each other. And I thought it’s going to be insane if I just turn my– I’m one person with my back now. Do I just back away like this and hope that they fill in? And then I thought, no, say something. Say something out loud to them that smooths the transition of you leaving. Okay, what do I say? Pick a thing to say. Goodbye. That’s a nightmare. That’s just… Goodbye? That’s not even– that’s just noises. Finally I walked away and I said, “I’m leaving!” I know it was that bad because they all went, “Whoa. Shit. Okay. Alright. Whoa.” I’ll never see those people again as long I live. And then I had to get in the car. I forgot that I had rented a car and I have to drive back to the hotel. And I’m driving on this highway in Missouri. And at one point I realized, I think it’s been about 25 minutes since I had looked out the front window of this car. I’ve just been dealing with shit directly in– Oh, shit. There’s a whole spectrum of responsibility out here. I’m supposed to take part in this. And then at one point I remember I was at a drive through, and I was terrified. Because there’s a lady sticking her head out a window. And she’s mad. She’s going, “Sir!” “Sirrr!” I just kept saying, I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know! I had the window closed. I had no fucking idea. What part of the transaction am I–? Did I pay yet? Have I ordered? Have I been sitting here for 40 minutes just eating at the window, and I ate the paper and everything? “Sirrr!” And I just went, I don’t know! I don’t want it! And I just fucking bolted. So I can’t do that anymore. But you get older and some things you can’t do anymore. Some things you don’t want to do anymore. It’s a nice change. You feel some desires fall away. New things make you happy. But some things don’t change and some things I’m sick of. Like the constant just the constant perverted, sexual thoughts. I’m so tired of those. Just the constant– Suck it. It just makes me into an idiot. I’m jacking off to morons. “Look at my tits.” Yeah, your tits are awesome. It’s just a dumb part of life that I’m sick of. It’s all day too. It’s just– You can’t have a day. I just want to be a person in clothes walking in a store and just– I just want to go to the library and ask for– Hi, ma’am, is there– I’m looking for a book about early Abraham Lincoln, like when he was– I wish I could wrap your hair around my dick and– Oh, shit. I’m trying to talk to her! [sigh] That’s really a male problem. It’s really a male problem, not being able to control your constant sexual impulse. Women try to compete. “Well, I’m a pervert. You don’t know.” “I have really sick sexual thoughts.” No, you have no idea. You have no idea. See, you get to have those thoughts. I have to have them. You’re a tourist in sexual perversion. I’m a prisoner there. You’re Jane Fonda on a tank. I’m John McCain in the hut. It’s a nightmare. I can’t lift my arms. And for men, sex just is such a constant thing. It’s not even sex to us. It’s just pussy. That’s what we call it. Pussy… it has nothing to do with women. It’s not about girls or chicks like it was in the 50’s. There’s no guys anywhere in the world saying, “Let’s go meet some chicks and kiss them on the mouth and see what happens.” There’s none of that. “Mmmm, I sure would like to have my arm around a girl.” “Mmmm, Vanessa, I love–” No, it’s not. It’s just pussy. Pussy. It’s not even a pussy. It’s not some peoples’ pussies. It’s just pussy. Like big pink balloon letters in front of our faces all the time. To men it’s just an element of the universe, like it should be on the chart of the elements next to tin and ammonia. P-y with an atomic weight of 12 or whatever pussy atoms weigh. The sad thing is that for all our obsession about sex and how much we love it, we suck at it. Men are terrible at sex. It never even occurs to us to do it well. Women just make sex great. Women are the good part of sex. They accept the dick with grace and they turn it into art. Or they climb on and they ride. They go for a ride. Men don’t. We just climb on. [grunting] I’m putting my dick in you. Put it in. Shove it in. Shove it. [grunting] You ever fuck when you’re out of shape? You’re like, “Ugh, shit. This is–” My stomach muscles are not strong. [grunting] We’re so bad at sex and then we wonder why women aren’t really aggressive about sex. We think it’s because they don’t have as much desire as we do. That’s how stupid men are. We think they’re just weird. “Women are fucked up in the head, because they don’t want to just fuck all the time.” “If I was a women, I’d just fuck everybody.” “Why don’t they want to fuck all the time? I do.” Of course you do, because when you fuck, you get to fuck a woman. When she fucks, she has to fuck a guy. Wildly different experience. For a man, 100% of the time he’s fucking a woman it’s the greatest thing that ever happened in his entire life. For a woman, about 40% of the time she’s being fucked by a guy she’s thinking, “I’ll get over this in a week. It’s not the worst thing.” “I’m not going to cry this time.” Another thing that proves how bad men are at sex is that after sex you’re looking at two very different people. The man just wants to lay there and be cool and the woman wants to cuddle. It’s something that men love to make fun of women for. “They always want to cuddle. It’s so needy.” “I already fucked you. Just let me watch the game.” “I’m so cool.” “What are you thinking about?” “Shut up. Leave me alone.” “Why is she so needy?” She’s not needy, you idiot. She’s horny, because you did nothing for her. You did absolutely nothing. Her pussy is on fire because it’s gone unfucked completely. Of course you’re fine, because you climbed on and went– and then rolled off. And she’s on you because she’s going, “What the–? Something else has to happen!” “This is bullshit!” If you fuck a woman well she will leave you alone. “Thanks a lot, buddy.” [snoring] Thanks a lot, folks. I hope you enjoyed the show. You guys were great. Thank you very very much. Good night. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-paper-tiger-transcript/ | Bill Burr: Paper Tiger (2019) – Transcript | bill burr | Recorded Live at the Royal Albert Hall, London, England [cheering and applause] [female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bill Burr! All right, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you? Excellent. Thank you for coming out. Very prestigious… arena to listen to my d!ck and sh!t jokes over the next… [chuckles] …90 minutes. No, I’m excited to be here. I am. It’s very, uh… [audience whooping] …exciting to be doing stand-up outside of my own country. Yeah. No, not ’cause of you! [laughter] It’s how it’s become. F*cking US, everything’s so goddamn… Every f*cking joke you tell, “Well, what did you mean about that? I didn’t go to the gym today. Are you calling me fat? I feel f*cking triggered.” [laughter] Gotta f*cking apologize to everybody. This is how screwed up my country is right now. You… You know Bryan Cranston, right? [audience cheers] That dude did a movie. He played a quadriplegic… and people gave him sh!t… [laughter] …being like, “Why is there an able-bodied person playing a quadriplegic?” It’s like, “It’s because it’s called acting, you dumb f*ck.” See, if he was a quadriplegic playing a quadriplegic, that’s not acting. That’s just f*cking laying there, saying sh!t that someone else wrote. [laughter] “So tell us, what did you do to prepare for the role?” “Well, I dove head-first into the shallow end of a pool when I was 23. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this role for my whole life.” [laughter] “Right, what is up next for you?” “Oh, well, they’re gonna do a reboot of Top Gun. Uh, I’m gonna fly… [mumbling] And, uh, the copilot’s gonna be transgender. So everybody will be happy. She won’t die. Her discarded d!ck will block her head from the canopy. There’ll be a gender-neutral bathroom on the plane.” [laughter] How f*cking dumb is that? That’s literally like watching a movie, “Why didn’t you have a murderer play a murderer? And how come the guy he shot, I saw him in another movie?” I mean, what the f*ck is going on? [laughter] No, I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what the f*ck is going on… but I think white women started it. [laughter] [cheering and applause] Oh! It’s the worst. The f*cking worst. That’s all they do, is bitch, moan, and complain. I had no idea how difficult it was to be a white woman in the United States of America. Evidently, it’s really difficult. [chuckles] [laughter] Yeah, they’re always bitching. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be me?” “Well, I imagine it would be slightly less awesome than my life.” [laughter] [laughs] “What happened to you today, sweetheart, huh? Did they not chill your rose?” You know? “Was the trolley not running down at the mall? What happened?” No, it’s unreal. I’m really f*cking annoyed how white women have the f*cking balls to throw my white privilege in my face. You know? Start to separate themselves from these “white males, with their white male privilege.” It’s like, “Bitch, you’re sitting in the Jacuzzi with me! The f*ck are you talking about? Yeah! Quit your f*cking whining.” Look… here’s a little caveat here, so you don’t think I’m a complete as*hole right out of the gate, all right? If you f*cking… If you’re living some Honey Boo Boo lifestyle on the Appalachian Trail, you know, and your uncle just banged you in the dirt, all right, I can listen to you. No, one of my fantasies is I wanna drive by, like, a woman’s rally and just say the most sexist sh!t I can think of… just to watch them lose their minds. You know, just drive by real slow and be like, “Yeah, why don’t you get back in the kitchen where you belong?” [chuckles] Just to look in the rearview mirror, watching them, “ah,” flipping out in the road. Spinning around like Leatherface at the end of Texas Chain Saw Massacre, like… “Ah! Ah! Ah!” Yeah. No, it’s a very, uh… I don’t know, times are changing, I guess. I don’t know. Yeah. Michelle Obama‘s doing an arena tour. That’s another thing going on. I’m gonna say that again. Michelle Obama… [laughter] …is doing an arena tour. She’s not playing comedy clubs. She’s doing arenas. When did First Ladies start acting like they got elected? You know? Dude, being a First Lady, that’s not a f*cking job. Just standing there, smiling and waving. Hey? Look how quiet it is in here. Why is it so f*cking quiet? You think that’s a job? It’s not a f*cking job! Dude, if you really think it’s a job, just look at him. Right? Look at Obama. When that guy got elected, he looked like he was about 41 years old. When he left office, that guy looked like he was about 73. Right? Look at Michelle. She looks younger now than she did when that dude got elected. What has she done for the last eight years… [cheering and applause] …yeah, other than lay in a giant vat of Illuminati-level lotion? Just sitting there, floating. A couple hours, a shape-shifter comes in and dumps another bucket on her. “Here’s some more… more of this.” She pops her head up: “Hey, Bam-Bam, tell Stevie Wonder to come down and play some songs tonight.” [gurgles] [laughter] Yeah. I found out she’s doing a tour, ’cause she’s doing a book tour. Yeah, she wrote a book. She wrote a book about not having a job. [laughs] I gotta read that f*cking book! “Chapter One, how to know if a d!ck tastes presidential. [laughter] How to weed your way… [whistles and applause] How to weed your way through all that local representative cock and get to the big swinging d!ck in the room.” [chuckles] I’ll tell you right now, say what you want about Republican Presidents, but they got their First Ladies in line. [laughter] They do! Dude, George W. was President for eight years. Eight years! I don’t even know his wife’s name! [laughter] What was it, Abigail or some sh!t? Maggie? No clue! Donald Trump’s wife stands behind him like a giant meerkat, like… [laughter] [chuckles] Bill Clinton was President, his wife never shut up. “Ah! I wanna do healthcare! Ah!” He f*cked around on her so much. He was like, “All right, whatever, just do it.” [laughter] [chuckles] But I’m telling you right now, I’m gonna check out that f*cking tour. I gotta see what that’s all about. You know? Who opens? Who opens on that f*cking tour? Was it Oprah Winfrey’s husband? You know? [laughter] Does he f*cking come out and talk about what it’s like to walk her dogs? “I do it for 20 minutes a day. The cocker spaniel’s probably the most fussiest, and I gotta bring him around.” Look, I’m sure that there’s some, uh, feminists in the crowd right now not appreciating this joke, feeling triggered, feeling like they need to f*cking put out a hashtag or some sh!t. And be brave and speak out. You know what? You’re full of sh!t. [laughter] You are. [cheering and applause] All… All those feminists are full of sh!t. ‘Cause I’m gonna tell you right now, someday… someday, there’s gonna be, there’s gonna be the first woman President. All right? Which means… [cheering] You don’t even know what her f*cking platform is, and you automatically cheer. [laughter] “Ooh, ooh, it’s got the same genitalia! Ooh!” F*cking… I’m telling you. They’re not smart people. Feminists, they’re not as smart as they’re coming off, I’m telling you. Someday… there’s gonna be… This is going to be my last show ever by the time this f*cking thing comes out. Someday, there’s gonna be the first female President, which means there’s gonna be the first male First Lady. Right? And you wait. You f*cking wait! The first time that dude opens his mouth about some political sh!t, you watch all these feminists. They’re all gonna be, “You shut the f*ck up! You shut the f*ck up! It is her time now. It is her time. She was elected, not you! Go pick out some plates, bitch! You are the First Lady.” [chuckles] He’s gonna get treated like Tom Arnold when he was with Roseanne. [laughter] Secret Service name will be, like, “Appendix” or “Doesn’t Matter.” “‘Not Worthy of Protecting’ just entered the Oval Office. ‘Not Worthy of Protecting’.” So, anyways… There’s been, uh… The #MeToo movement has happened since the last time I was here. Yeah, no, it had to happen, Jesus Christ, but, you know, I think it’s dying down. You know? I don’t know, I think they got everybody. [laughter] Right? [chuckles] Just judging by the stories, I feel like they kind of got everybody. ‘Cause the first stories that came out, they were f*cking unbelievable. It was just guys taking their d!cks out at work, like, “Look at it! Look at it! Ah! Ah! Ah!” F*cking blocking doors and jizzing on plants. You’re f*cking at home watching, “Jesus Christ, people did this sh!t?” I remember this one poor woman said she was a PA, went into some director’s trailer, and he came… allegedly, came running out, masturbating vigorously while holding a shrimp cocktail. [laughter] [chuckles] I swear to God! I know that’s f*cked up, but I gotta tell you something. It’s a little bit funny that she felt the need to use the adjective “vigorously” after she said he was masturbating. “He was masturbating vigorously.” I’m thinking in my head, “Like, as opposed to what?” [laughter] As far as I know, there is only one successful way to perform that act, and that would be vigorously. Is there another way to do it? Can you do it passively? You know? Is that how Sting does it? Is that how he’s able to f*ck for hours and hours? Fans a little air on it. He puts on “Fields Of Gold.” Just lets that thing rise up. Just… Just letting it marinate, right? [chuckles] Yeah, so the stories were big in the beginning. Like, “Oh, my God, what a bunch of f*cking animals.” And then they just started tapering… tapering off. And about, I don’t know, six months in, they just sounded like bad dates. It was like, “He was… He was ten minutes late. The chicken was cold. I think I was raped. Career over!” [laughter] “What about my side of the story?” “F*ck your side of the story! You have a d!ck and balls. We don’t wanna hear it!” Yeah. It’s really weird how the whole thing… It went from, like, nobody listening… men not listening to women at all, to just this total over-correction that anything they f*cking said means it happens, you know? They got these hashtags like, you know, “Believe women.” “Believe women,” right? That’s a little open-ended, huh? Just straight across the f*cking board, all of them? Every last f*cking one of them? What about the psychos? What about the ones that key your car and light your sh!t on fire ’cause you didn’t f*cking answer a text? What about them? Huh? How about you believe, like, 88%, and that last 12% that’s out of their f*cking minds… You know, I think that’s a fair percentage, wouldn’t you? No? Are you too afraid? To not believe? I know, that’s the world we’re f*cking living in right now. No, everything has just become f*cking absolutes. In… In… In the States, it’s f*cking nuts. Like that Colin Kaepernick guy, right? You knew when he was, like, protesting during the national anthem, no one was gonna listen to what the f*ck he had to say. No matter how much he explained it. He goes, “I’m taking a knee during the national anthem. This is a protest about police brutality, the way people of color are treated. We’d like to open a dialogue.” He got halfway through, then people were like, “My brother’s fighting in Iraq, you f*cking piece of sh!t!” It’s just like, “Buddy, buddy… nobody is saying your brother isn’t in Iraq fighting. You’re not listening. This is about police brutality–” “My brother’s a firefighter. He watched 9/11 on television!” “No, no, no, buddy, nobody’s saying that your brother’s not a firefighter.” “I have a bone spur in my heel! I can still stand up during the f*cking song!” “Buddy, nobody is saying you can’t see a f*cking podiatrist. All right? You’re not listening.” That’s what it became. It went from not listening to women to just “believe women”, right? And then people were just like, “Did you see that story? Did you read the story? You can’t make something like that up.” I literally wanna be like, “Well, did you see Star Wars?” [laughter] I mean, somebody made that up. They made, like, f*cking 15 of them, you know? People can make sh!t up, right? “You’re part of the f*cking problem! Get the f*ck out…” You know? [chuckles] “No means no,” that’s another one. “No means no.” It’s like, no, it doesn’t. All right? [laughter] Look, “No!” means no. “No!” That means no, all right? [in flirty voice] But, “No, stop it, what are you doing? Oh, my God, you’re being so bad. Stop it! No!” Yeah, that’s not a f*cking no! That means, “I wanna do it, but I’m afraid you’re gonna judge me, so I’m just gonna make it look like it was your idea so you don’t figure out that I’ve already performed this act with 40 other f*cking people.” Right? [laughter] But then… then you go to court and you get a bad reading. Some guy’s reading it. [in serious voice] “Ah, Your Honor, she said, ‘No, stop it. What are you doing? You’re being so bad.'” [laughter] Yeah! And you’re just sitting there like, “She didn’t f*cking say it like that! She didn’t say it like that!” Yeah. So now everybody’s just, like, scared sh!tless. You know? ‘Cause I guess if women ran the world, there’d be no war. Evidently, there would be no due process either. So you’ve just gotta sit there, going, “Ah? Ah? Huh?” [laughs] No, it’s f*cking nuts. People are so scared now. You now have the male feminist. Like, where the f*ck did that come from? Just out of nowhere, last couple years. “I’m a male feminist. I’ve always championed women–” No, you haven’t. You haven’t! This sh!t came out and you’re f*cking scared. You did something. You grabbed some f*cking titties. What the f*ck did you do that you have to over-correct that f*cking hard? What kind of a man who still has his balls is walking around saying that he’s a male feminist? “Oh, I’m a male feminist. I totally see the way you see the f*cking world.” It’s… It’s impossible… as a man who was raised right… [laughs] [laughter and applause] …to be a feminist. You can’t do it. You’re a man. Look, you can agree with it, you can empathize, sympathy, you can do all of that sh!t, but you can’t be it any more than I can stand there and just be like, “I’m a Black Panther. Fight the power!” And then I walk out the door, a blue-eyed white dude, and I get to live that f*cking life, right? I don’t know. I don’t know, ladies. I don’t buy it. Maybe you do, I don’t. Anytime I hear a guy say, “I’m a male feminist,” I always just think, “That is the most pathetic, limp-d!ck way ever to try and get some pussy.” Right? Like, that’s literally… that is literally the f*cking game you had when you were on a first date when you were 16, you were all nervous and your whole game plan was, “Just agree with her. Maybe she’ll touch it.” [laughter] [chuckles] “So, what are your favorite bands?” “I like whatever you like! Will you touch it now? Did I do it right? Uh…” Yeah, it’s a weird time right now. I’m glad that I’m f*cking married now. I don’t gotta f*cking deal with any of that sh!t. You know? For younger guys, how do you deal with it? You know what was really f*cked up in all of this, though? What about women who like it rough? Right? That doesn’t happen here in the jolly old England? Huh? [laughter] Not at all! Everybody gets all dead silent. Big f*cking elephant in the f*cking room. Right? Yeah. -[man] Ask for consent! How the f*ck do you… What’s that? [man] Ask for consent! “Ask for consent”? Doesn’t that take the mood… Well, Jesus, that kind of took it in a weird way. [laughter] [chuckles] Dude, whatever the f*ck I was saying, however you heard it, that’s not what the f*ck I’m saying. All right? [laughter] “You know, I’ve really listened to this Me Too movement. I think for the first time in my life, I’m gonna ask for consent! I’m really gonna do it this time. I’ve been feeling…” This is why you can’t judge comedians. Do you understand? Do you understand what the f*ck I was saying and how this f*cking jackass just heard it? You know? The second… [cheering] Yeah! The second it comes out of my mouth, it’s not what I said anymore. Goes into your f*cking ear hole and gets cut with your whole f*cking childhood. “Oh, this is what he means! Da, da, da, da, da, da, da…” [laughter] Sir, if I could get along with my point, if you wouldn’t mind that. [laughter] No, like, f*cking women who like it rough, like, that’s gotta be so f*cking weird. [chuckles] I remember when I was a single man a long time ago. A lot of hair ago, right? Still wasn’t a good look, but I was single. I was out there, taking some at bats. I remember that sh!t. You’d meet a woman, and when it started going down that road, like you knew you were gonna hook up, you’d try to get a jump on it, right? You’d try to figure out what they liked in the bedroom because you wanted to satisfy them. There’s nothing worse than if you don’t satisfy them, and you know they’re gonna tell all their friends, and then you gotta f*cking move, and now there’s social media and you got a f*cking nickname… It’s a nightmare. So, you just try to, you know… You try to do a little f*cking intelligence. You’ll be there, hanging out, just being like, “Yeah, so, uh, what are you into? What do you, uh… What do you like to do?” Right? One night, I asked a woman that, she set her drink down, she looked me right in the eye, she’s like, “I like to get f*cked.” [chuckles] And I knew what she meant! “All right, this is gonna be one of these. Okay, here we go. Just trying to… [laughter] We’re gonna have to go hard on this one.” Right? We had a great f*cking time. I don’t know how I would… Today, I would just be like, “All right, I know what you wanna do, but, like, you’re gonna have to do it. You understand? Like, I’m just gonna stand here, and then you just back into me however hard you want. You control how hard you’re backing into me. Then I’m gonna lay my hand on your shoulder. You can put your ponytail in it. I will slowly close my hand around it. And if at any point you want to yank your head like that, that’s on you. My other hand will be just to the right of your right ass cheek, and if you wanna do one of those, that’s fine. But I am not doing anything. I’m just gonna stand here like a giant f*ck stick, and you just have at it, you just have at it.” Yeah. You know what’s hilarious about sexual assault? [laughter] [chuckles] You know what’s hilarious about it? Is how women are acting like that is a uniquely female experience. You know what’s funny? I actually, to the letter of the f*cking law, within the last two and a half years, got sexually assaulted in this business by a woman. Yeah! And this is my story! [laughter] [chuckles] I feel like I can live my truth and be brave tonight and share this with you. It’s a 100% true f*cking story. I was doing stand-up, I was doing a private gig. All right? Private gigs are the f*cking worst. You do a public gig, anybody can show up. It broadens what you can talk about, right? You do a private gig, it’s like everybody grew up on the same f*cking street, so all your jokes gotta go right down f*cking mainstream or you’re bombing. So all you do is listen to the first comic to hear what’s working and what isn’t. You’re just listening as he’s up there struggling, going, “Okay, they like bread. Talk about bread. Get all the bread you can. Don’t make fun of the troops. Stay away from the troops!” Right? So that’s what we’re doing, right? And the host gets them going, then he brings up the first act. Okay, she goes on stage. She’s not really a comedian, more of a personality. She does her bullsh!t or whatever, and I’m standing there, looking at my jokes, figuring out what I’m doing. She wraps it up. He goes on stage. She goes to get off. I’m thinking, “Okay, I’m next.” I’m looking at my stuff, and she just walks right by me and just f*cking… poof! Just flicked me right on the head of my d!ck and kept walking! [laughter] Like it was nothing. Just f*cking… pow! And just kept… I couldn’t f*cking believe it. I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, was this a friend of yours? Was she flirting with you? Was this a joke?” None of the above. You know what it was? I swear to God, it was like a bully vibe. Like she was trying to get in my head. “There you go, you little red d!ck. Poof! Follow that!” And she just kept walking. Dude, my first thought as I saw her walking away, I just wanted to punch her in the back of the head as hard as humanly possible. Like, literally make her leave her shoes. You know? [laughter] But the other side of my brain’s like, “No, dude, you can’t do that. You can’t do that. It’s a woman. And it’s just spitball. Well, f*cking boot her in the ass! Boot her in the ass! Can’t hit her, dude. Can’t hit her. It’s a woman. Well, f*cking tell somebody! Tell somebody!” And all I’m thinking is, like, “Dude, I’m a guy.” Can’t f*cking tell anybody. Nobody gives a sh!t what happens to a guy. I’m gonna walk up to another man and be like, “Excuse me, sir, but she just flicked me in my pee-pee, and I didn’t like that one bit. No, sir! I didn’t like that at all. No, I didn’t!” All the guys are gonna be like, “Dude, if she did that to me, I would’ve taken my balls out, too. F*cking flick both of these. F*cking sports bar, up top, Super Bowl, hey!” Right? That’s all I would’ve got, right? So now I’m standing there, I’m waiting to go on stage, the dude’s doing my intro, I’m trying to think about jokes about bread, and the tip of my d!ck is still stinging. This is the world I’m in. And right as he’s gonna bring me on, all of a sudden, she came out, ’cause she was going back out to her f*cking car, and that’s when my brain started firing up again with some ideas. Started thinking sh!t that I had never thought before in my life. Going like, “Dude, there she is. There she is. Flick her in the box. [laughter] Do it, man. Equal rights. She did it to you, you do it back to her!” It started making sense. “Yeah, f*ck that! Flick my d!ck, I’m gonna flick your clit! That’s right! I’ll f*cking hit the man in the boat. Drop down, uppercut to the bush. F*ck this sh!t! Think I’m the kind of person you just can flick my d!ck and walk away like it ain’t sh!t?” Right? And it was making sense till right when she got there, finally, I just started thinking of all the sporting events I had watched, and I realized that the referee only sees the retaliation. He never sees the first aggression, and then you have to go to the… yellow card, whatever the f*ck you people do over here, right? You go to the penalty box! So I let her go, and I went out on stage. I did my sh!t. But here was the thing. For the next three f*cking days, I’m driving round LA, and I’m just losing my f*cking mind. You know? I’m f*cking screaming at the windshield, saying all this sh!t that I wanted to say but didn’t say it in the moment. You know? It wasn’t because… This is the thing. It wasn’t because she touched me. You know what I mean? I don’t give a f*ck about that, all right? You know, when I was a kid, I had a paper route and I was an altar boy. You know? [laughter] Yeah. You’re gonna have to do a little bit better… than flick my d!ck over my jeans and my underwear. It’s like, “Are we gonna do this or what? Like, what is happening here?” It’s the fact that she thought she could bully me. So after f*cking three days of this sh!t, I had a splitting headache, and I started realizing, “Wait a minute. She’s winning this thing.” You know? “Here I am, still thinking about this sh!t. She’s probably gone on to flick 30 to 40 d!cks since she’s been with me. All right, she doesn’t give a f*ck about me.” So, you know what I did? I drove to my house, there was nobody home, I went upstairs, I closed the door, and I just sat down and I meditated on it, and I just forgave her. I did. [applause] I just pictured her as a little five-year-old girl crying because her alcoholic dad, you know, wouldn’t hug her or something. And she’s just standing there crying, like, “But, Daddy, I love you!” He’s like, “Get away from me! I never wanted children!” And then he walked through a screen door and he, like, face-planted into this above-ground pool. And he had a tool belt on, and it just sort of pulled him under. And she ran out, she grabbed his foot, and she was pulling and pulling, and his boot came off, and she sat down, and she just watched him slowly drown. [laughter] I don’t know what happened after that. I just felt, like, this weight lift off of my chest. [chuckles] So, there you go. All you tough guys over here in England, don’t be afraid to meditate, man. I’m telling you. You can let a lot of stuff go. I don’t know. [man] Whoo! [whistles] Do you know… I’m all right with silence. You don’t have to feel like you have to do anything f*cking extra. Just relax. If it’s funny, f*cking laugh. If it isn’t, just f*cking sit there, and I’ll know it’s time to move on. [laughter] Uh… So, anyways, I’m a married man with a kid. Happily married man. Yes, I am. [cheering] I… Yeah, I love my wife to death. I love everything about being f*cking married, but I’ll tell you this right now, we do fight a lot. We do argue all the time. If I’ve learned anything in five years of being married, it is we’re always working on me. You know? [chuckles] Evidently, my wife is this completed work under museum glass that is to be admired and studied, like, “Hmm, how did she do that?” And I’m like one of these… You know those buildings that just has scaffolding around it for, like, six straight years, and you’re like, “Are they ever gonna finish that thing? Is that some sort of insurance job? Jesus Christ, what a piece of sh!t! They should just tear it down and start over again.” Yeah. I have a temper, so that’s the thing. That’s what kind of ruins things. Everything else I do is fine, but I have a f*cking temper and it just ruins sh!t, and then my wife always says the same thing. She’s always just like, “I just don’t understand. Where did that come from? Where is that coming from? You just go from zero to 100 in two seconds.” It’s like, first of all, I idle at 75 miles an hour, all right? So don’t give me this zero to 100. I walked into this restaurant 75. I could hear that guy talking too loud on his cell phone from the f*cking parking lot! [laughter] [chuckles] Yeah. I f*cking tried all of this sh!t… Whenever she says that to me, though, I swear to God. “I just don’t understand. Where is this coming from?” It actually hurts my feelings when she says that. You know? ‘Cause it makes me feel like she’s not listening to me. It’s like, “Honey, how many childhood stories do I have to tell you before you follow the breadcrumbs to the absolute lunatic that you married?” [laughter] Didn’t she ever take a psychology class? I’m not that complex! Like, I’ll tell you guys a quick… I’ll tell you a quick childhood story. I’ll tell you one of the funnier ones. One time, when I was, like, six, my older brother was eight, we were in the back seat of my dad’s car, and we were, like, laughing and excited ’cause it was around Christmas. Right? And my dad just had this thing. He just didn’t like joy, you know? [laughter] So he’s sitting there driving, going like, “Jesus Christ, knock it off back there! Christ, you’re giggling like a couple of little schoolgirls! Christ, you don’t straighten up, I’m gonna buy you a doll for Christmas!” And then he did. [chuckles] I swear to God. He made us hold them up. My mother’s taking pictures in front of the Christmas tree. I’m just standing there, like, “Wah! Wah!” Afterwards, I ran upstairs to my top bunk. My dad knew he’d f*cked up. To his credit, he came up, he tried to smooth it over. He’s like, “All right, come on back down. It’s over. Come on down and enjoy the holiday.” And I’m like, “No, I don’t want any gifts, I f*cking hate you! Ah!” Right? He eventually coaxed me down, you know? He just… He softened up a little bit. “Look, you don’t get your f*cking ass back downstairs, no one else can open their gifts. Now move it out! I said move it out!” I go back downstairs all shell-shocked. “Here’s another gift for you, Billy.” I’m like, “Is this a f*cking dollhouse? When does it end?” Yeah. That was Christmas, and those were people that loved me. [laughter] “I just don’t understand. Where is this coming from? I just don’t understand.” So, I gotta do it, though. I gotta work on the temper. I’m gonna do it. You know, I got the kid now, and I just don’t want… I don’t wanna pass it on to her, you know? I have, like, a demon in my family tree. Like, this f*cking rage, it’s just… You know? Just keeps following us, and now I got it. I have it so bad, like, literally, my daughter, she’s a little over two years old, she’s yet to meet me yet. You know? Like, the real me. She’s seen glimpses of me. Like, “Hey, how are you?” [chuckles] She’s seen glimpses of the anger, but I’m able to smooth it over quickly. Like, “Whoa, Daddy almost snapped his phone in half!” [laughter] But I see it in her face. I can see the way she looks at me. She’s starting to put it together, like, “This dude’s a little f*cked up, man. He’s a little f*cked up.” I cannot tell you how heartbreaking that is to see from a toddler… much less your own daughter. I’m like, “I gotta end this thing, man.” This rage, it has to end with me. I can’t have an angry kid just walking around, f*cking kicking toys, “F*cking bullsh!t!” and just being, like, a lunatic. I want to be like that priest in The Exorcist when the devil got in him, and he just f*cking leaps out the window and dies. You know? So I have been f*cking trying everything. You know? I tried, you know… I don’t know, I tried… meditating, wearing sweaters. I did that for a while. Like, if I dressed like a regular guy, I’d be one. I drew a smiley face on a Post-it and stuck it on my dashboard, like that was gonna help with my road rage. You know, driving down the street like, “You mother… Oh, yeah, I guess I’ve done that too! Thank you, smiley face.” [laughter] I remember one night I actually considered taking a bath. ‘Cause I was gonna call my wife, I was on the road, and I was like, “I don’t want to have a fight with her. I need to relax. What the f*ck can I do?” And I thought about it. Women take baths, right? They do. It’s a very feminine thing. They have a bad week. “I just wanna decompress,” and they just have a soak, and then they’re just fine. Next thing you know, they’re drinking wine, calling friends. “I’m so glad you’re in my life… and I feel I can get back out there again.” Right? So I’m literally alone, I start drawing a bath, and the water came all the way up. And at the end of the day, I couldn’t f*cking do it! [chuckles] There’s just no way as a man to take a bath and not think about killing yourself. You know? There’s just something about slipping into that coffin-shaped thing. It’s like, “Am I gonna slit my wrists? Am I testifying against the Mob? What the f*ck am I doing here?” I’m a man! I don’t take a bath, you take a shower. Hose it off, block out your feelings, keep walking till you drop of a heart attack. Literally, as you’re going down, “Are you okay?” “I’m fine! I’m fine!” [laughter] Can’t take a bath. Sitting there playing with a rubber ducky, sticking my toe in the faucet. Right? Not allowed. Not allowed to be that happy, so… I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I think I’m gonna go back to therapy. Do that f*cking bullsh!t again. Fast-forward through all these stories I’ve told a million times. I gotta do it, though. And I’m gonna do it for my kid and do it for my wife, and, selfishly, do it for me… because… -[woman] Whoo! -I’m gonna tell you why. You’re not gonna like the results, miss. [laughter] This is why I’m gonna do it. If I actually don’t have a temper, like, I just think to myself, “What could my wife complain…” Like, “What could my wife bitch at me about?” Right? I f*cking crush everything. I do. I take out the trash, okay? The gate was squeaky the other day. I f*cking made sure that was done, you know? I pick up after myself. I like to think I’m a good dad. I work my ass off. I make a great f*cking living. Crush all of that. All she has on me is who I am as a person. [laughter] That’s it! [cheering and applause] Yeah, if I could just not be who I was when she met me… I think I’d have a shot, you know? So, we figured out the number one thing we fight about is television, you know? I watch sports. She watches those Real Housewives. You know, it just doesn’t work out. You know, I… You guys have The Real Housewives out here? You do? Yeah. Yeah. It’s just… I imagine it’s just the most depressing f*cking thing ever, isn’t it? Those women, they just look so f*cking exhausted, you know what I mean? Just with the war paint and the circle tits, just trying to f*cking tuck it in and f*cking… Like an athlete at the end of their career, just trying to limp on to the field one more time. They’re not as fast as they used to be. It reminds you of your own mortality. It’s just like, “Ladies, just f*cking sit down. Put on something flowing. I’ll put on a sport coat. We’ll be in bed by 8:30,” right? “We’re f*cking old,” you know? So, we realized that, uh, I don’t know, we always fight about the television, so I’m like, “What about documentaries? Why don’t we just tape something we both like?” We both love documentaries. They’re fun, right? You watch them. You learn something. You repeat it at a party. People think you read! [laughter] So I tape… You know, first one I tape is on Elvis Presley. Right? Now, I love Elvis. Okay? He fascinates me. He’s, like, the first rock star with the power of television. They just intersected, and he ascended to this level of fame that no one had ever been to before. Hence, he made all the mistakes ’cause there was no one there to help him out. Right? He got a piece-of-sh!t manager that stole from him. Bam! He stopped making music, started making sh!tty movies. He’s not a good actor, right? Does that. Married a minor, started doing drugs, got fat, got an entourage, got even fatter, started wearing onesies, doing karate kicks, splitting his f*cking pants. Nobody’s saying sh!t. “You look good, King!” “You like that? You like when my royal balls hang out?” “We love it, King. Keep f*cking going!” Starts doing pills, gets addicted, he f*cking dies alone on a toilet. All right? This man kicked open all of those f*cking doors for the rest of us. All right? So I sit down, and I’m watching this documentary as a white dude. Which is what I am. I’m looking out my white head, watching this white sh!t, it’s coming back into my white eyes, getting whiter by the f*cking second. All right? Now, my wife, on the other hand, she’s black, right? Now, I hate saying that, ’cause it makes it seem like I’m gonna start doing some stupid comparison jokes. You know, those dumb white guy, black guy jokes. It’s always like the white guy is like, “Oh, Jesus, I gotta do my taxes. Can this chair hold me?” The black guy is always like, “You need to loosen up, you gotta relax, man. You just gotta let it happen.” Right? [chuckles] It’s always the same stupid f*cking joke. I hate those jokes, you know, ’cause they’re easy, and it’s been my experience that it’s just not true, you know? Fifteen years of being with her, there’s really no difference, you know? Because at the end of the day, it’s a woman. [laughter] All right? It’s gonna be the same fights. I don’t give a f*ck who you’re with. I’m not gonna lie to you, there might be more head movement and hand gestures with different races of women… possibly an index finger jabbing at your forehead, whatever the f*ck that is. But at the end of the day, it’s the same fights. “What’s going on with us? Do you need to work on this? Why don’t we communicate better?” Right? So she starts watching this sh!t as a black person, right? And she’s seeing all the racism, obviously, that I’m seeing, but she was catching all this subtle sh!t that I was too white to see but I knew I was missing it ’cause I just kept hearing her huffing and puffing. Just sitting next to me, being like… [huffing] And I’m just sitting there like, “Okay, somebody did something! [laughter] I don’t know what just happened, but I don’t think that was good!” So right when I didn’t think it could get any worse, it couldn’t get any more uncomfortable between the two of us, this f*cking white dude comes on who, evidently, discovered Elvis. And he’s, like, a hundred and f*cking 90 years old. And he comes out, starts talking. He’s just like, “Well, basically, I was looking for a white boy that could take the down-and-dirty, nasty blues and combine it with the pristine, angelic sounds of bluegrass.” Yeah, that’s what he was doing. He was subtly putting black sh!t down here while he was propping up the white sh!t. You know? “The down-and-dirty, daddy-not-sticking-around, drug-infested neighborhood blues, with the Jesus-as-white-as-me, hair-the-color-of-the-sun, angelic, bluegrass-playing music,” right? So, at this point, my wife has, like, f*cking steam coming out of her ears, so I make a judgment call. I just f*cking shut it off. Right? And she looks at me. She’s like, “Why did you shut that off? Why did you shut it off?” I was like, “Because you’re about three minutes away from yelling at me like I produced this music. [laughter] All right? Let’s just forget it. We’ll watch something else.” She’s like, “No, why can’t we just watch the rest of this and then discuss it afterwards?” It’s like, “I don’t want to f*cking do that. I just wanna watch a documentary! I don’t want to have a f*cking lecture… because of these f*cking as*holes. I didn’t do anything! I’m just sitting here watching TV! Not to mention, we’re just gonna get into an argument.” She’s like, “Why would we get into an argument?” I’m like, “Ugh. All right, you know what? Because not for nothing, there was some black people in there saying some sh!t that I didn’t agree with. I’m not huffing and puffing.” Yeah… I said that. [laughter] Like a f*cking idiot! And she just looks at me. She’s like, “Like what black people? Like what black people that said what?” And at that point, it’s like you started the luge, right? You can’t get off the f*cking sled. Now you gotta have the argument. Like, “Oh, f*ck, here we go, guess we’re having this.” And I’m like, “All right. All right, the black guy brought up leg shaking, saying, ‘Elvis took leg shaking from us.’ It’s like, really? Leg shaking? Nobody thought to f*cking do this? Black people came up with that? You’re telling me that? I’ll even give you that! Let’s say you came up with that, but where did that black dude learn how to do it? Didn’t he watch some older black guy do it? But what? ‘Cause he’s the same color, he’s not stealing. He’s just carrying on the tradition. But if Elvis does it, ‘Oh, what the f*ck?’ Now he’s the biggest thief ever? That doesn’t make any sense to me.” She goes, “No, you idiot, it’s not about the leg shaking, okay? He appropriated a culture. He took all the music, he got all the money, got all the fame, he’s called the King of it now, and he never gave a sh!t, not even a shout-out.” And I was like, “All right. [laughter] Fair enough. Made about seven or eight good points there that I can’t refute. [laughter] He appropriated a culture. I get it. You’re right.” She goes, “Fine, thank you.” And I go, “However… [laughter] Not for nothing, do I get mad at you when you get on a skateboard and you start going down the f*cking street? Do I get all offended, like, ‘Hey, man, that’s some white sh!t! Stop appropriating my culture, man. Some dirty white kid in Santa Monica came up with that, man.'” So she starts laughing, and I should’ve stopped there, but I’m a comedian, right? I’m like, “Ooh, I’m getting a laugh. There’s gotta be a bigger laugh, so keep going, Bill. Let’s come with another example.” So I’m like, “Yeah, do I get mad at you when you fly from LA to New York in under six hours?” And she just, yeah… [chuckles] Yeah. And she just stares at me. She’s just like, “That was f*cked up.” [laughter] I was like, “Yeah. Yeah, I know. It sounded good in my f*cking head and then it came out. I just… I was just going for the laugh.” And then she wouldn’t let up. She’s like, “Why is it f*cked up? Why is it f*cked up?” So now I’m back in the classroom, and I’m like, “Because… if, historically speaking, black people enjoyed the same amount of freedom and privilege, they would have had the money and the time to figure out how to fly, too.” And she goes, “That’s right.” And I go, “However… [laughter] …your music would’ve suffered.” [laughter and applause] Yeah! “You can’t have my level of freedom and privilege walking around with that cul-de-sac, ‘It really is gonna be okay!’ and come up with that painful, beautiful music. You can’t do that. Next thing you know, you’re clapping on the f*cking downbeat, you’re playing a washboard, right? James Brown is line dancing. All goes out the window, so you gotta make a choice! Either you learn how to fly and your music sucks…” [laughter] [chuckles] Oh, I just noticed this thing came off. We can’t have this. There’s gotta be continuity between the f*cking shows here. Oh, Jesus Christ! This thing never comes off. It’s right when you tape a f*cking special, then everything just falls apart. Royal Albert Hall, huh? Where did you buy this mic stand, huh? Where the f*ck did you get this? [cheering and applause] You know the mic stand guy’s all f*cking pissed off. “Right, that’s a jolly good f*cking mic stand. F*cking Yank! F*cking Yank… Everything f*cking falls off on him. [laughter] How dare you! The Queen comes down here and sits in a box and watches the show!” You know what I heard about you guys? [laughter] Actually, by the way, I’ve been over here for a week, and as an American, I gotta say something. You guys are pretty fat, too. [laughter] [chuckles] [cheering and applause] Yeah. Specifically the men. I don’t know what’s going on with the men, but I don’t give a f*ck how fat you get, you’re gonna pour yourself into your skinny jeans. They still got them. It’s like you’re squeezing all the fat to the top like toothpaste. “Right, still wearing me same jeans from primary school!” [laughter] [chuckles] Um… I don’t know, but anyways… You know what I’m afraid of? Robots. Yeah. I saw one get interviewed on 60 Minutes. The top journalistic program in the United States. And he’s just sitting there getting interviewed, not nervous at all, just rattling off all the f*cking answers. You know? Not smoking, not f*cking, you know, leaking oil, whatever you would do as a nervous robot, right? And the reporter’s asking him questions, and in the end, he goes, “So, tell us…” He’s like, uh… He’s like, “What are your goals?” And I am alone in a hotel room, and I literally lean towards the TV. I’m like, “Do these f*cking things have goals?” [laughter] And the f*cking robot just answers. He just goes… uh… He goes, “What are your goals?” And the robot goes, “To become smarter than human beings.” Yeah! And the reporter just blows by it. He’s like, “Okay, and what’s your favorite color?” [laughter] Meanwhile, I’m standing on my bed, yelling at the TV, like, “Dude, unplug that f*cking thing! Take the batteries out! Pull the wire… Pull the wires out! Do something! How many sci-fi movies do you have to see before you realize where this is going?” So, anyways, every smart person, every super-smart person in the world is saying these f*cking things are gonna kill us. Even your boy here, he recently died. What was his name? He was always sitting down. [man] Hawking! [laughter] Hawking, Stephen Hawking, yeah! Too good to f*cking stand up and make his point, just sitting down, all f*cking smarmy. [chuckles] “Oh, I care so much, I poured ice on myself! Um… And I showed off my abs at the same time for the Gram!” No, I’m just f*cking with you. I am so glad that guy’s f*cking dead, though. You know? [laughter] Look at you guys. How much longer did you want him to suffer? You don’t believe in an afterlife? Maybe he’s up there now, his f*cking legs work, he’s getting an angelic blow job. How much longer did you want him to f*cking sit there so you could feel better about yourself? “Well, at least I’m not all f*cking twisted up, saying smart sh!t,” right? I couldn’t f*cking stand that guy. He was so f*cking negative! He never had anything positive to say. “Hey, Steve, what have you got for us today?” “In 2035, there will be no more apples.” “Thank you, Steve! Thanks a lot. Wasn’t thinking about that, now I am. Hey, so what’s the solution?” “It’s too late. We needed to try 40 years ago.” “Thanks a lot, buddy. I’m gonna go cry with my child now.” Dude, I could hang out with that guy for about three minutes before I took the brake off his chair and just zoomed him into the other room. [laughter] “Hey, Steve, come back here when you got something dumb and positive to say.” Yeah. Well, listen, I agreed with all of these super-smart people thinking that these f*cking robots were gonna kill us. Right? I agreed with all of that sh!t until, a couple of years ago, I was in New York, and I was looking through a newspaper, right? And I have a whole new f*cking theory. But in order for me to tell you my theory, I have to quickly take you back to the deep, dark, sordid history of the blow-up doll. All right? I know there’s a lot of millennials here, young people. You probably don’t even know what one of these is, all right? With your f*cking… I don’t know what you guys do, your virtual reality glasses, you know, f*cking free porn flying by. You’re grabbing titties, whatever. Whatever it is you do. Right? [laughter] Back in the day, this was the deal. If you were a person and you wanted to have sex with somebody else, but, like, nobody else wanted to have sex with you… and, you know, you weren’t strong enough to hold anybody down, I mean… [laughter] You had to go… You had to… That’s how it was! You had to go out, and you had to get a blow-up doll. And you had to f*cking go out and get it. You had to f*cking go out and get it. All right? You couldn’t just order it off of an Amazon and some delivery guy shows up. He doesn’t know what’s in the box. You’re standing there like Tom Hanks, “Hey, how you doing? Great to see you!” [chuckles] “I’m gonna f*ck that, and you have no idea what it is!” [laughter] No. Dude, you had to go down, and you had to f*cking get this thing. You had to find a porno store. You had to work it out that it was far enough away from your house that no one’s gonna recognize your car. You drive down at, like, 11 in the morning. Who the f*ck is gonna be there then, right? You park in the back on, like, a Tuesday, just sitting there in the car, psyching yourself up. [exhaling] “Okay, I’m not hurting anybody. It’s just an urge. Just get in there, okay? Hand him the money, just get in there and get it done!” You yank your hat down. You f*cking walk in with all your courage. Then you get in there, there’d be too many other perverts in there, and you get all psyched out. So what you do is you just grab a bunch of videotapes, and you walked up to the counter. And you had to make it look like it was an impulse buy, right? And you’re walking up, and everything, all the creepy sh!t, was behind the counter, right? Just f*cking heads and feet, just an ass, body parts. Serial killer buffet. “What f*cking world am I entering? Oh, my God, somebody’s f*cking a neck? Jesus Christ!” Right? And you set it down. Just make it look real subtle. “Okay, buddy, is that gonna be all?” “Uh, yeah, no, maybe that thing down the end with the surprised look on its face. Maybe I’d like to take a shot at that. I don’t know.” The guy wraps it up, you finally get it. You give him the money. You f*cking run out to the car. You have this whole weird emotion. You’re, like, excited and you hate yourself. “Thank God, I finally did it! What the f*ck is wrong with me?” And just drive off. You go back to your little sh!tty f*cking apartment, and you had to blow it up quietly so none of your neighbors heard. Just like… [blowing] Then you got excited, started going a little faster. And just watching this thing slowly coming to life, just like… [laughter] [applause] Right? And then you’d wrap those rubber legs around you. [screams] And God forbid you got caught. Your roommate comes walking in, “He’s f*cking a blow-up doll!” Dude, your life was over! You had, like, six minutes to get your mom on the phone. “Mom, I love you, and you’re never gonna see me again! Don’t believe what people said about me! I’m so sorry! I’m going to Alaska! Oh, God, God!” Click. That was it. You moved to Alaska. No one ever saw you again. And that’s why, to this day, if you go to Alaska, there’s, like, eight men for every two women. Yeah, ’cause that state is littered with men who got caught f*cking sh!t they shouldn’t have been f*cking. [laughter] So, now, fast-forward to about 2016, I’m in New York City, right? And I’m looking through the newspaper, whatever, and I come across an article, and it’s on this robot that, for $10,000, you buy this thing, you can have sex with it. Right? Now, notice, five minutes ago, I brought up a blow-up doll. Didn’t even have a joke, just said “blow-up doll” and you all laughed. Ha ha ha ha. A blow-up doll. “Who would do such a stupid thing?” Right? “That’s weird.” Five minutes later, I say, “A robot that you can have sex with,” dead silence in here. [laughter] As if, collectively, you were all just like, “Well… [laughter] What does it look like?” I’m not gonna lie to you. It still looks like a dead body, but it looks way f*cking better… than that blow-up doll from 30 years ago. And that’s what scares me. Because everything gets better. Right? You look at when cars first came out, the stupid horn… Ah-oo-ga. You had to crank-start it, you’d run over your best friend. Now you can start one up with a remote control from, like, 50 yards away. Right? Remember when airbags first came out? They just had one for the driver. [squeals] Ah! “My family! [laughter] [sobs] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Why would you just save me?” [laughter] And then, eventually, they got airbags for everybody. Well, these robot sex dolls are gonna be no different. Okay? They’re just gonna keep getting better and better and better, and these f*cking nerds are not gonna be making any regular-looking robot dolls, right? You know, some girl next door, you know, just some plain Jane, the chick your mom likes, being like, “Well, there’s a nice girl you could settle down with. She knows how to cook.” F*ck that. They’re gonna make Victoria’s Secret supermodels, just absolute, like, Paris runway-looking supermodels, and you’re gonna come home to one of these things and it’s gonna laugh at all your jokes. [robotic laughing] It’s gonna sit down and watch the game with you, like, “It doesn’t get any better than this. Yes, it does!” Ah! Ah! Ah! And it’s gonna get up and make you a f*cking, I don’t know, Bundt cake or a meat pie, whatever the f*ck you people eat, right? [laughter] There’s not gonna be a human woman in here that’s gonna be able to compete with that… for longer than 90 minutes, even on your birthday! By the third trip to the fridge, she’ll be like, “F*cking get it yourself! What am I, your slave? Go f*ck yourself!” And after you’ve been with one of these robots, like, sex dolls, you’re not gonna be able to go back to a real woman. Right, with all her hopes and dreams… and her needs. You’re gonna be coming home. She’s like, “What is going on with you? We’re not connecting. We need a date night.” All you’ll be thinking is, like, “How do I shut this f*cking thing off? What, is it on nagging mode? Why isn’t it blowing me right now? I clearly entered the room. I entered the room. It’s supposed to drop to its knees and blow me. I don’t understand.” Yeah, like, your ego is gonna be at, like, a dictator level. Like, “Me and my man tits have arrived! Service me! Say that I am your lord!” Yeah, that’s it. You’re not gonna be able to go back to a real woman, and then nobody’s gonna be f*cking women, so they’re gonna get lonely, so they’ll have to create a doll for you guys, right? A giant f*cking… I don’t know what you guys are into. I don’t pretend to know. Like, some giant Brad Pitt-looking f*cking robot doll, f*cking eight-pack abs, a robot d!ck down to the floor. You know? Holds both your hands when you tell a story. All right? [laughter and applause] Whatever you’re into! Opens a bottle of wine at 12 noon. “It’s got to be five o’clock somewhere.” [robotic laughing] Yeah. I think they’re gonna f*ck us into extinction. ‘Cause at that point, the only people left having sex with other human beings are gonna be hipsters and the homeless. Right? Because hipsters, they love all the old sh!t, right? Cassette tapes, Frisbees, dressing like a cobbler… Whatever the f*ck it is they’re doing, right? But even a homeless guy, you know, after, like, I don’t know, a couple of years, he’ll be able to drag some old, one-legged, f*cked-out robot model out of the trash, drag it back to its lair. That thing will still be building him up, you know, just laying there, like, “I don’t think you smell that bad.” [robotic laughing] “This is my favorite bridge.” [robotic laughing] Yeah. And we’re all gonna f*cking die off, and what’s gonna be left to fight these robots off is gonna be an entire generation of hipster spawn. Yeah! And they’re gonna go to war ironically. [laughter] Yeah. Dressing… Dressed like… I don’t know, f*cking growing Civil War beards, dressing like Star Wars action figures, and they are gonna get f*cking slaughtered! And right when they get down to the last 30, there’s gonna be a liberal robot going like, “We should save a few for posterity.” Right? And they’re just gonna stick them in a zoo… and be this little hodgepodge of what was left. You know, black, white, Latin, Asian, gay, straight, trans, whatever. Whatever the f*ck, right? And they’re still gonna be arguing with each other. The robots will just be standing outside, going, “I love it when they cross their legs.” [laughs robotically] [laughs] Yeah. And this is the f*cking world that I brought my daughter into. Like, I actually… am legitimately scared about them. I don’t know. I gotta tell you, though, becoming a dad was the greatest… is the greatest f*cking thing that ever happened to me. It really is. I don’t have any jokes about my kid. No, it is. [cheering and applause] And you’re applauding my wife. She did all the work. Yeah. Yeah, knocking a woman up, that’s easy. You just have fun. You… Unprotected sex, bam, you knock them up, and then they have to deal with it. You know? No matter how much they try to drag you into it, it really is, it’s their show. You know? I always say my wife… When my wife was pregnant, I’d say, “My wife, you know, she’s pregnant.” Then I have these people like, “Excuse me, you’re supposed to say, ‘We’re pregnant.’ You’re supposed to say, ‘We’re pregnant.'” It’s like, “Well, I’m not a seahorse, so I’m not f*cking pregnant.” My wife is pregnant. She’s putting on weight, her feet are swelling up. You know, she’s miserable. F*cking miserable. I’m still doing pull-ups. I’m crushing it while being pregnant. I’m still drinking, smoking, yeah. [chuckles] No, the only thing that sucked was I had to get rid of my dog. Yeah. Had to find her a new home. Well, I finally had to admit that she was f*cking crazy. I got a crazy rescue dog and, uh, yeah, it was one of these f*cking dogs, man. It tried to kill both of my parents. It tried to kill my father-in-law. It bit one of my friends. I’d have family come over, friends or whatever, we’d have to stick it in the back room, like, lock the door. For the first hour, it’d just be throwing itself up against the door. “I’ll f*cking kill all you motherf*ckers! I’ll kill all you motherf*ckers!” Looking under the door, “I can see your feet! I know what you smell like! I’ll follow you home. I’ll find you. I’ll f*cking kill all of you!” And we were just in total denial, like, “No, she’s just a little, you know, a little scared… ’cause she was abused.” And we got, like, a trainer and all of that sh!t, and he finally said, “Listen, man, this is one of these dogs nature said no to, but people said yes to.” So I’m like, “Jesus Christ, you could’ve told me that 10,000 f*cking dollars ago!” You know? So now my wife, she’s five months pregnant, she’s six months, seven, eight months pregnant. It’s just the f*cking… this thing just hanging over my head, and finally I said to my wife, “We gotta do something about this.” I’m not gonna be this guy in the news, being like, “Well, you know, uh, the dog loved me and my wife, so I figured it’d be all right to let it sleep near the bassinet. And, well, you can imagine my surprise the next morning…” Yeah. I wasn’t gonna be that guy in the news whose dog ate his baby. Right? I gotta get rid of this thing. So we called my trainer, and he goes, “All right, I’ll take it.” Okay, thank God they’re not gonna put the dog down or anything like that, so I’m like, “Thank God.” So he goes, “I’ll come back in a week.” And it was very sad because we both loved this dog, like, with all our hearts, right? And what amazed me, though, was over that week, the way my wife handled grief versus me. It was so mature. She just, like, took it on. I just went into denial. I was just like, “Well, I’m not giving it away tomorrow, so I’m not gonna think about it.” And I just called the dog up on the bed, started petting her and lashing out at people for no f*cking reason. Right? My wife just went into the bathroom that night. She was brushing her teeth. I could just hear her quietly crying. [weeping] I swear to God, I was on the bed, and I literally… I got mad at her. I didn’t yell at her. Just… I had it just internal, you know? And I was just thinking, like, “Why is she having the proper emotion in this f*cking moment? Why isn’t she just blocking it out the f*cking way I am?” Right? “Just don’t deal with it till you f*cking give it away, and then just start yelling at people. The way I do.” Right? That’s what we did. I blocked it out, and every night, she would cry a bit more. The whole week… [weeping] Till the night before, she’s like… [sobs loudly] Right? And what I didn’t realize was she had cried herself into acceptance. And meanwhile, my emotions were still at the starting line. And there’s a knock at the door, and she goes, “Okay, he’s here. Go get the dog.” And I’m like, “Hey, Cleo!” And she popped her head up, and I saw her wagging her f*cking tail, and all of a sudden, eight years of conditional love all started bubbling up, and I was like, “Oh, f*ck, not now! Not now!” So I just pushed it down. [grunts] I just walked at her like some weird game show host. “Hey, how are you? I’m smiling for no reason, all right? Now we’re going for a walk. I’m just gonna say what we’re doing so I don’t think about what I’m feeling.” And I just walked out, handed the leash to the new owner, pet her on the head, didn’t even look her in the eye, ’cause I knew I couldn’t, and just turned around and walked away from something that I had loved more than I had loved anything in my life up to that point. Don’t tell my wife. All right? [laughter] Then I come back into the house. She’s just looking at me. She knows I’m out of my f*cking mind. She’s like, “Are you okay? Everything all right? Wanna talk about it? We could go get something to eat?” I’m like, “No, I’m fine. Sometimes, you have to be up here and think logical, and not be in your heart. I’m just gonna go into the bathroom for a second.” And I went in, and I closed the door, and for 0.8 seconds, cried like a little boy, before I put the lid back on the jar. Fastened it back and just added it to the shelf of anger that sits in every man’s chest. Yeah. [cheering and applause] And I couldn’t help but wonder in that moment who that I love in my life is gonna pay for that in the future. [laughter] Like, where am I gonna be? Family reunion, Bed Bath & Beyond… “How many f*cking towels do we need? Jesus Christ, it’s a f*cking sickness with you!” “Where is this coming from? I just don’t understand where this is coming from.” Listen, you guys are so awesome. Thank you so much for coming out. I had a great time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [cheering and applause] Seriously, thank you, guys, so much. It’s been the best two days of my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good night! [cheering continues] | [cheering and applause] [female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bill Burr! All right, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you? Excellent. Thank you for coming out. Very prestigious… arena to listen to my d!ck and sh!t jokes over the next… [chuckles] …90 minutes. No, I’m excited to be here. I am. It’s very, uh… [audience whooping] …exciting to be doing stand-up outside of my own country. Yeah. No, not ’cause of you! [laughter] It’s how it’s become. F*cking US, everything’s so goddamn… Every f*cking joke you tell, “Well, what did you mean about that? I didn’t go to the gym today. Are you calling me fat? I feel f*cking triggered.” [laughter] Gotta f*cking apologize to everybody. This is how screwed up my country is right now. You… You know Bryan Cranston, right? [audience cheers] That dude did a movie. He played a quadriplegic… and people gave him sh!t… [laughter] …being like, “Why is there an able-bodied person playing a quadriplegic?” It’s like, “It’s because it’s called acting, you dumb f*ck.” See, if he was a quadriplegic playing a quadriplegic, that’s not acting. That’s just f*cking laying there, saying sh!t that someone else wrote. [laughter] “So tell us, what did you do to prepare for the role?” “Well, I dove head-first into the shallow end of a pool when I was 23. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this role for my whole life.” [laughter] “Right, what is up next for you?” “Oh, well, they’re gonna do a reboot of Top Gun. Uh, I’m gonna fly… [mumbling] And, uh, the copilot’s gonna be transgender. So everybody will be happy. She won’t die. Her discarded d!ck will block her head from the canopy. There’ll be a gender-neutral bathroom on the plane.” [laughter] How f*cking dumb is that? That’s literally like watching a movie, “Why didn’t you have a murderer play a murderer? And how come the guy he shot, I saw him in another movie?” I mean, what the f*ck is going on? [laughter] No, I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what the f*ck is going on… but I think white women started it. [laughter] [cheering and applause] Oh! It’s the worst. The f*cking worst. That’s all they do, is bitch, moan, and complain. I had no idea how difficult it was to be a white woman in the United States of America. Evidently, it’s really difficult. [chuckles] [laughter] Yeah, they’re always bitching. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be me?” “Well, I imagine it would be slightly less awesome than my life.” [laughter] [laughs] “What happened to you today, sweetheart, huh? Did they not chill your rose?” You know? “Was the trolley not running down at the mall? What happened?” No, it’s unreal. I’m really f*cking annoyed how white women have the f*cking balls to throw my white privilege in my face. You know? Start to separate themselves from these “white males, with their white male privilege.” It’s like, “Bitch, you’re sitting in the Jacuzzi with me! The f*ck are you talking about? Yeah! Quit your f*cking whining.” Look… here’s a little caveat here, so you don’t think I’m a complete as*hole right out of the gate, all right? If you f*cking… If you’re living some Honey Boo Boo lifestyle on the Appalachian Trail, you know, and your uncle just banged you in the dirt, all right, I can listen to you. No, one of my fantasies is I wanna drive by, like, a woman’s rally and just say the most sexist sh!t I can think of… just to watch them lose their minds. You know, just drive by real slow and be like, “Yeah, why don’t you get back in the kitchen where you belong?” [chuckles] Just to look in the rearview mirror, watching them, “ah,” flipping out in the road. Spinning around like Leatherface at the end of Texas Chain Saw Massacre, like… “Ah! Ah! Ah!” Yeah. No, it’s a very, uh… I don’t know, times are changing, I guess. I don’t know. Yeah. Michelle Obama‘s doing an arena tour. That’s another thing going on. I’m gonna say that again. Michelle Obama… [laughter] …is doing an arena tour. She’s not playing comedy clubs. She’s doing arenas. When did First Ladies start acting like they got elected? You know? Dude, being a First Lady, that’s not a f*cking job. Just standing there, smiling and waving. Hey? Look how quiet it is in here. Why is it so f*cking quiet? You think that’s a job? It’s not a f*cking job! Dude, if you really think it’s a job, just look at him. Right? Look at Obama. When that guy got elected, he looked like he was about 41 years old. When he left office, that guy looked like he was about 73. Right? Look at Michelle. She looks younger now than she did when that dude got elected. What has she done for the last eight years… [cheering and applause] …yeah, other than lay in a giant vat of Illuminati-level lotion? Just sitting there, floating. A couple hours, a shape-shifter comes in and dumps another bucket on her. “Here’s some more… more of this.” She pops her head up: “Hey, Bam-Bam, tell Stevie Wonder to come down and play some songs tonight.” [gurgles] [laughter] Yeah. I found out she’s doing a tour, ’cause she’s doing a book tour. Yeah, she wrote a book. She wrote a book about not having a job. [laughs] I gotta read that f*cking book! “Chapter One, how to know if a d!ck tastes presidential. [laughter] How to weed your way… [whistles and applause] How to weed your way through all that local representative cock and get to the big swinging d!ck in the room.” [chuckles] I’ll tell you right now, say what you want about Republican Presidents, but they got their First Ladies in line. [laughter] They do! Dude, George W. was President for eight years. Eight years! I don’t even know his wife’s name! [laughter] What was it, Abigail or some sh!t? Maggie? No clue! Donald Trump’s wife stands behind him like a giant meerkat, like… [laughter] [chuckles] Bill Clinton was President, his wife never shut up. “Ah! I wanna do healthcare! Ah!” He f*cked around on her so much. He was like, “All right, whatever, just do it.” [laughter] [chuckles] But I’m telling you right now, I’m gonna check out that f*cking tour. I gotta see what that’s all about. You know? Who opens? Who opens on that f*cking tour? Was it Oprah Winfrey’s husband? You know? [laughter] Does he f*cking come out and talk about what it’s like to walk her dogs? “I do it for 20 minutes a day. The cocker spaniel’s probably the most fussiest, and I gotta bring him around.” Look, I’m sure that there’s some, uh, feminists in the crowd right now not appreciating this joke, feeling triggered, feeling like they need to f*cking put out a hashtag or some sh!t. And be brave and speak out. You know what? You’re full of sh!t. [laughter] You are. [cheering and applause] All… All those feminists are full of sh!t. ‘Cause I’m gonna tell you right now, someday… someday, there’s gonna be, there’s gonna be the first woman President. All right? Which means… [cheering] You don’t even know what her f*cking platform is, and you automatically cheer. [laughter] “Ooh, ooh, it’s got the same genitalia! Ooh!” F*cking… I’m telling you. They’re not smart people. Feminists, they’re not as smart as they’re coming off, I’m telling you. Someday… there’s gonna be… This is going to be my last show ever by the time this f*cking thing comes out. Someday, there’s gonna be the first female President, which means there’s gonna be the first male First Lady. Right? And you wait. You f*cking wait! The first time that dude opens his mouth about some political sh!t, you watch all these feminists. They’re all gonna be, “You shut the f*ck up! You shut the f*ck up! It is her time now. It is her time. She was elected, not you! Go pick out some plates, bitch! You are the First Lady.” [chuckles] He’s gonna get treated like Tom Arnold when he was with Roseanne. [laughter] Secret Service name will be, like, “Appendix” or “Doesn’t Matter.” “‘Not Worthy of Protecting’ just entered the Oval Office. ‘Not Worthy of Protecting’.” So, anyways… There’s been, uh… The #MeToo movement has happened since the last time I was here. Yeah, no, it had to happen, Jesus Christ, but, you know, I think it’s dying down. You know? I don’t know, I think they got everybody. [laughter] Right? [chuckles] Just judging by the stories, I feel like they kind of got everybody. ‘Cause the first stories that came out, they were f*cking unbelievable. It was just guys taking their d!cks out at work, like, “Look at it! Look at it! Ah! Ah! Ah!” F*cking blocking doors and jizzing on plants. You’re f*cking at home watching, “Jesus Christ, people did this sh!t?” I remember this one poor woman said she was a PA, went into some director’s trailer, and he came… allegedly, came running out, masturbating vigorously while holding a shrimp cocktail. [laughter] [chuckles] I swear to God! I know that’s f*cked up, but I gotta tell you something. It’s a little bit funny that she felt the need to use the adjective “vigorously” after she said he was masturbating. “He was masturbating vigorously.” I’m thinking in my head, “Like, as opposed to what?” [laughter] As far as I know, there is only one successful way to perform that act, and that would be vigorously. Is there another way to do it? Can you do it passively? You know? Is that how Sting does it? Is that how he’s able to f*ck for hours and hours? Fans a little air on it. He puts on “Fields Of Gold.” Just lets that thing rise up. Just… Just letting it marinate, right? [chuckles] Yeah, so the stories were big in the beginning. Like, “Oh, my God, what a bunch of f*cking animals.” And then they just started tapering… tapering off. And about, I don’t know, six months in, they just sounded like bad dates. It was like, “He was… He was ten minutes late. The chicken was cold. I think I was raped. Career over!” [laughter] “What about my side of the story?” “F*ck your side of the story! You have a d!ck and balls. We don’t wanna hear it!” Yeah. It’s really weird how the whole thing… It went from, like, nobody listening… men not listening to women at all, to just this total over-correction that anything they f*cking said means it happens, you know? They got these hashtags like, you know, “Believe women.” “Believe women,” right? That’s a little open-ended, huh? Just straight across the f*cking board, all of them? Every last f*cking one of them? What about the psychos? What about the ones that key your car and light your sh!t on fire ’cause you didn’t f*cking answer a text? What about them? Huh? How about you believe, like, 88%, and that last 12% that’s out of their f*cking minds… You know, I think that’s a fair percentage, wouldn’t you? No? Are you too afraid? To not believe? I know, that’s the world we’re f*cking living in right now. No, everything has just become f*cking absolutes. In… In… In the States, it’s f*cking nuts. Like that Colin Kaepernick guy, right? You knew when he was, like, protesting during the national anthem, no one was gonna listen to what the f*ck he had to say. No matter how much he explained it. He goes, “I’m taking a knee during the national anthem. This is a protest about police brutality, the way people of color are treated. We’d like to open a dialogue.” He got halfway through, then people were like, “My brother’s fighting in Iraq, you f*cking piece of sh!t!” It’s just like, “Buddy, buddy… nobody is saying your brother isn’t in Iraq fighting. You’re not listening. This is about police brutality–” “My brother’s a firefighter. He watched 9/11 on television!” “No, no, no, buddy, nobody’s saying that your brother’s not a firefighter.” “I have a bone spur in my heel! I can still stand up during the f*cking song!” “Buddy, nobody is saying you can’t see a f*cking podiatrist. All right? You’re not listening.” That’s what it became. It went from not listening to women to just “believe women”, right? And then people were just like, “Did you see that story? Did you read the story? You can’t make something like that up.” I literally wanna be like, “Well, did you see Star Wars?” [laughter] I mean, somebody made that up. They made, like, f*cking 15 of them, you know? People can make sh!t up, right? “You’re part of the f*cking problem! Get the f*ck out…” You know? [chuckles] “No means no,” that’s another one. “No means no.” It’s like, no, it doesn’t. All right? [laughter] Look, “No!” means no. “No!” That means no, all right? [in flirty voice] But, “No, stop it, what are you doing? Oh, my God, you’re being so bad. Stop it! No!” Yeah, that’s not a f*cking no! That means, “I wanna do it, but I’m afraid you’re gonna judge me, so I’m just gonna make it look like it was your idea so you don’t figure out that I’ve already performed this act with 40 other f*cking people.” Right? [laughter] But then… then you go to court and you get a bad reading. Some guy’s reading it. [in serious voice] “Ah, Your Honor, she said, ‘No, stop it. What are you doing? You’re being so bad.'” [laughter] Yeah! And you’re just sitting there like, “She didn’t f*cking say it like that! She didn’t say it like that!” Yeah. So now everybody’s just, like, scared sh!tless. You know? ‘Cause I guess if women ran the world, there’d be no war. Evidently, there would be no due process either. So you’ve just gotta sit there, going, “Ah? Ah? Huh?” [laughs] No, it’s f*cking nuts. People are so scared now. You now have the male feminist. Like, where the f*ck did that come from? Just out of nowhere, last couple years. “I’m a male feminist. I’ve always championed women–” No, you haven’t. You haven’t! This sh!t came out and you’re f*cking scared. You did something. You grabbed some f*cking titties. What the f*ck did you do that you have to over-correct that f*cking hard? What kind of a man who still has his balls is walking around saying that he’s a male feminist? “Oh, I’m a male feminist. I totally see the way you see the f*cking world.” It’s… It’s impossible… as a man who was raised right… [laughs] [laughter and applause] …to be a feminist. You can’t do it. You’re a man. Look, you can agree with it, you can empathize, sympathy, you can do all of that sh!t, but you can’t be it any more than I can stand there and just be like, “I’m a Black Panther. Fight the power!” And then I walk out the door, a blue-eyed white dude, and I get to live that f*cking life, right? I don’t know. I don’t know, ladies. I don’t buy it. Maybe you do, I don’t. Anytime I hear a guy say, “I’m a male feminist,” I always just think, “That is the most pathetic, limp-d!ck way ever to try and get some pussy.” Right? Like, that’s literally… that is literally the f*cking game you had when you were on a first date when you were 16, you were all nervous and your whole game plan was, “Just agree with her. Maybe she’ll touch it.” [laughter] [chuckles] “So, what are your favorite bands?” “I like whatever you like! Will you touch it now? Did I do it right? Uh…” Yeah, it’s a weird time right now. I’m glad that I’m f*cking married now. I don’t gotta f*cking deal with any of that sh!t. You know? For younger guys, how do you deal with it? You know what was really f*cked up in all of this, though? What about women who like it rough? Right? That doesn’t happen here in the jolly old England? Huh? [laughter] Not at all! Everybody gets all dead silent. Big f*cking elephant in the f*cking room. Right? Yeah. -[man] Ask for consent! How the f*ck do you… What’s that? [man] Ask for consent! “Ask for consent”? Doesn’t that take the mood… Well, Jesus, that kind of took it in a weird way. [laughter] [chuckles] Dude, whatever the f*ck I was saying, however you heard it, that’s not what the f*ck I’m saying. All right? [laughter] “You know, I’ve really listened to this Me Too movement. I think for the first time in my life, I’m gonna ask for consent! I’m really gonna do it this time. I’ve been feeling…” This is why you can’t judge comedians. Do you understand? Do you understand what the f*ck I was saying and how this f*cking jackass just heard it? You know? The second… [cheering] Yeah! The second it comes out of my mouth, it’s not what I said anymore. Goes into your f*cking ear hole and gets cut with your whole f*cking childhood. “Oh, this is what he means! Da, da, da, da, da, da, da…” [laughter] Sir, if I could get along with my point, if you wouldn’t mind that. [laughter] No, like, f*cking women who like it rough, like, that’s gotta be so f*cking weird. [chuckles] I remember when I was a single man a long time ago. A lot of hair ago, right? Still wasn’t a good look, but I was single. I was out there, taking some at bats. I remember that sh!t. You’d meet a woman, and when it started going down that road, like you knew you were gonna hook up, you’d try to get a jump on it, right? You’d try to figure out what they liked in the bedroom because you wanted to satisfy them. There’s nothing worse than if you don’t satisfy them, and you know they’re gonna tell all their friends, and then you gotta f*cking move, and now there’s social media and you got a f*cking nickname… It’s a nightmare. So, you just try to, you know… You try to do a little f*cking intelligence. You’ll be there, hanging out, just being like, “Yeah, so, uh, what are you into? What do you, uh… What do you like to do?” Right? One night, I asked a woman that, she set her drink down, she looked me right in the eye, she’s like, “I like to get f*cked.” [chuckles] And I knew what she meant! “All right, this is gonna be one of these. Okay, here we go. Just trying to… [laughter] We’re gonna have to go hard on this one.” Right? We had a great f*cking time. I don’t know how I would… Today, I would just be like, “All right, I know what you wanna do, but, like, you’re gonna have to do it. You understand? Like, I’m just gonna stand here, and then you just back into me however hard you want. You control how hard you’re backing into me. Then I’m gonna lay my hand on your shoulder. You can put your ponytail in it. I will slowly close my hand around it. And if at any point you want to yank your head like that, that’s on you. My other hand will be just to the right of your right ass cheek, and if you wanna do one of those, that’s fine. But I am not doing anything. I’m just gonna stand here like a giant f*ck stick, and you just have at it, you just have at it.” Yeah. You know what’s hilarious about sexual assault? [laughter] [chuckles] You know what’s hilarious about it? Is how women are acting like that is a uniquely female experience. You know what’s funny? I actually, to the letter of the f*cking law, within the last two and a half years, got sexually assaulted in this business by a woman. Yeah! And this is my story! [laughter] [chuckles] I feel like I can live my truth and be brave tonight and share this with you. It’s a 100% true f*cking story. I was doing stand-up, I was doing a private gig. All right? Private gigs are the f*cking worst. You do a public gig, anybody can show up. It broadens what you can talk about, right? You do a private gig, it’s like everybody grew up on the same f*cking street, so all your jokes gotta go right down f*cking mainstream or you’re bombing. So all you do is listen to the first comic to hear what’s working and what isn’t. You’re just listening as he’s up there struggling, going, “Okay, they like bread. Talk about bread. Get all the bread you can. Don’t make fun of the troops. Stay away from the troops!” Right? So that’s what we’re doing, right? And the host gets them going, then he brings up the first act. Okay, she goes on stage. She’s not really a comedian, more of a personality. She does her bullsh!t or whatever, and I’m standing there, looking at my jokes, figuring out what I’m doing. She wraps it up. He goes on stage. She goes to get off. I’m thinking, “Okay, I’m next.” I’m looking at my stuff, and she just walks right by me and just f*cking… poof! Just flicked me right on the head of my d!ck and kept walking! [laughter] Like it was nothing. Just f*cking… pow! And just kept… I couldn’t f*cking believe it. I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, was this a friend of yours? Was she flirting with you? Was this a joke?” None of the above. You know what it was? I swear to God, it was like a bully vibe. Like she was trying to get in my head. “There you go, you little red d!ck. Poof! Follow that!” And she just kept walking. Dude, my first thought as I saw her walking away, I just wanted to punch her in the back of the head as hard as humanly possible. Like, literally make her leave her shoes. You know? [laughter] But the other side of my brain’s like, “No, dude, you can’t do that. You can’t do that. It’s a woman. And it’s just spitball. Well, f*cking boot her in the ass! Boot her in the ass! Can’t hit her, dude. Can’t hit her. It’s a woman. Well, f*cking tell somebody! Tell somebody!” And all I’m thinking is, like, “Dude, I’m a guy.” Can’t f*cking tell anybody. Nobody gives a sh!t what happens to a guy. I’m gonna walk up to another man and be like, “Excuse me, sir, but she just flicked me in my pee-pee, and I didn’t like that one bit. No, sir! I didn’t like that at all. No, I didn’t!” All the guys are gonna be like, “Dude, if she did that to me, I would’ve taken my balls out, too. F*cking flick both of these. F*cking sports bar, up top, Super Bowl, hey!” Right? That’s all I would’ve got, right? So now I’m standing there, I’m waiting to go on stage, the dude’s doing my intro, I’m trying to think about jokes about bread, and the tip of my d!ck is still stinging. This is the world I’m in. And right as he’s gonna bring me on, all of a sudden, she came out, ’cause she was going back out to her f*cking car, and that’s when my brain started firing up again with some ideas. Started thinking sh!t that I had never thought before in my life. Going like, “Dude, there she is. There she is. Flick her in the box. [laughter] Do it, man. Equal rights. She did it to you, you do it back to her!” It started making sense. “Yeah, f*ck that! Flick my d!ck, I’m gonna flick your clit! That’s right! I’ll f*cking hit the man in the boat. Drop down, uppercut to the bush. F*ck this sh!t! Think I’m the kind of person you just can flick my d!ck and walk away like it ain’t sh!t?” Right? And it was making sense till right when she got there, finally, I just started thinking of all the sporting events I had watched, and I realized that the referee only sees the retaliation. He never sees the first aggression, and then you have to go to the… yellow card, whatever the f*ck you people do over here, right? You go to the penalty box! So I let her go, and I went out on stage. I did my sh!t. But here was the thing. For the next three f*cking days, I’m driving round LA, and I’m just losing my f*cking mind. You know? I’m f*cking screaming at the windshield, saying all this sh!t that I wanted to say but didn’t say it in the moment. You know? It wasn’t because… This is the thing. It wasn’t because she touched me. You know what I mean? I don’t give a f*ck about that, all right? You know, when I was a kid, I had a paper route and I was an altar boy. You know? [laughter] Yeah. You’re gonna have to do a little bit better… than flick my d!ck over my jeans and my underwear. It’s like, “Are we gonna do this or what? Like, what is happening here?” It’s the fact that she thought she could bully me. So after f*cking three days of this sh!t, I had a splitting headache, and I started realizing, “Wait a minute. She’s winning this thing.” You know? “Here I am, still thinking about this sh!t. She’s probably gone on to flick 30 to 40 d!cks since she’s been with me. All right, she doesn’t give a f*ck about me.” So, you know what I did? I drove to my house, there was nobody home, I went upstairs, I closed the door, and I just sat down and I meditated on it, and I just forgave her. I did. [applause] I just pictured her as a little five-year-old girl crying because her alcoholic dad, you know, wouldn’t hug her or something. And she’s just standing there crying, like, “But, Daddy, I love you!” He’s like, “Get away from me! I never wanted children!” And then he walked through a screen door and he, like, face-planted into this above-ground pool. And he had a tool belt on, and it just sort of pulled him under. And she ran out, she grabbed his foot, and she was pulling and pulling, and his boot came off, and she sat down, and she just watched him slowly drown. [laughter] I don’t know what happened after that. I just felt, like, this weight lift off of my chest. [chuckles] So, there you go. All you tough guys over here in England, don’t be afraid to meditate, man. I’m telling you. You can let a lot of stuff go. I don’t know. [man] Whoo! [whistles] Do you know… I’m all right with silence. You don’t have to feel like you have to do anything f*cking extra. Just relax. If it’s funny, f*cking laugh. If it isn’t, just f*cking sit there, and I’ll know it’s time to move on. [laughter] Uh… So, anyways, I’m a married man with a kid. Happily married man. Yes, I am. [cheering] I… Yeah, I love my wife to death. I love everything about being f*cking married, but I’ll tell you this right now, we do fight a lot. We do argue all the time. If I’ve learned anything in five years of being married, it is we’re always working on me. You know? [chuckles] Evidently, my wife is this completed work under museum glass that is to be admired and studied, like, “Hmm, how did she do that?” And I’m like one of these… You know those buildings that just has scaffolding around it for, like, six straight years, and you’re like, “Are they ever gonna finish that thing? Is that some sort of insurance job? Jesus Christ, what a piece of sh!t! They should just tear it down and start over again.” Yeah. I have a temper, so that’s the thing. That’s what kind of ruins things. Everything else I do is fine, but I have a f*cking temper and it just ruins sh!t, and then my wife always says the same thing. She’s always just like, “I just don’t understand. Where did that come from? Where is that coming from? You just go from zero to 100 in two seconds.” It’s like, first of all, I idle at 75 miles an hour, all right? So don’t give me this zero to 100. I walked into this restaurant 75. I could hear that guy talking too loud on his cell phone from the f*cking parking lot! [laughter] [chuckles] Yeah. I f*cking tried all of this sh!t… Whenever she says that to me, though, I swear to God. “I just don’t understand. Where is this coming from?” It actually hurts my feelings when she says that. You know? ‘Cause it makes me feel like she’s not listening to me. It’s like, “Honey, how many childhood stories do I have to tell you before you follow the breadcrumbs to the absolute lunatic that you married?” [laughter] Didn’t she ever take a psychology class? I’m not that complex! Like, I’ll tell you guys a quick… I’ll tell you a quick childhood story. I’ll tell you one of the funnier ones. One time, when I was, like, six, my older brother was eight, we were in the back seat of my dad’s car, and we were, like, laughing and excited ’cause it was around Christmas. Right? And my dad just had this thing. He just didn’t like joy, you know? [laughter] So he’s sitting there driving, going like, “Jesus Christ, knock it off back there! Christ, you’re giggling like a couple of little schoolgirls! Christ, you don’t straighten up, I’m gonna buy you a doll for Christmas!” And then he did. [chuckles] I swear to God. He made us hold them up. My mother’s taking pictures in front of the Christmas tree. I’m just standing there, like, “Wah! Wah!” Afterwards, I ran upstairs to my top bunk. My dad knew he’d f*cked up. To his credit, he came up, he tried to smooth it over. He’s like, “All right, come on back down. It’s over. Come on down and enjoy the holiday.” And I’m like, “No, I don’t want any gifts, I f*cking hate you! Ah!” Right? He eventually coaxed me down, you know? He just… He softened up a little bit. “Look, you don’t get your f*cking ass back downstairs, no one else can open their gifts. Now move it out! I said move it out!” I go back downstairs all shell-shocked. “Here’s another gift for you, Billy.” I’m like, “Is this a f*cking dollhouse? When does it end?” Yeah. That was Christmas, and those were people that loved me. [laughter] “I just don’t understand. Where is this coming from? I just don’t understand.” So, I gotta do it, though. I gotta work on the temper. I’m gonna do it. You know, I got the kid now, and I just don’t want… I don’t wanna pass it on to her, you know? I have, like, a demon in my family tree. Like, this f*cking rage, it’s just… You know? Just keeps following us, and now I got it. I have it so bad, like, literally, my daughter, she’s a little over two years old, she’s yet to meet me yet. You know? Like, the real me. She’s seen glimpses of me. Like, “Hey, how are you?” [chuckles] She’s seen glimpses of the anger, but I’m able to smooth it over quickly. Like, “Whoa, Daddy almost snapped his phone in half!” [laughter] But I see it in her face. I can see the way she looks at me. She’s starting to put it together, like, “This dude’s a little f*cked up, man. He’s a little f*cked up.” I cannot tell you how heartbreaking that is to see from a toddler… much less your own daughter. I’m like, “I gotta end this thing, man.” This rage, it has to end with me. I can’t have an angry kid just walking around, f*cking kicking toys, “F*cking bullsh!t!” and just being, like, a lunatic. I want to be like that priest in The Exorcist when the devil got in him, and he just f*cking leaps out the window and dies. You know? So I have been f*cking trying everything. You know? I tried, you know… I don’t know, I tried… meditating, wearing sweaters. I did that for a while. Like, if I dressed like a regular guy, I’d be one. I drew a smiley face on a Post-it and stuck it on my dashboard, like that was gonna help with my road rage. You know, driving down the street like, “You mother… Oh, yeah, I guess I’ve done that too! Thank you, smiley face.” [laughter] I remember one night I actually considered taking a bath. ‘Cause I was gonna call my wife, I was on the road, and I was like, “I don’t want to have a fight with her. I need to relax. What the f*ck can I do?” And I thought about it. Women take baths, right? They do. It’s a very feminine thing. They have a bad week. “I just wanna decompress,” and they just have a soak, and then they’re just fine. Next thing you know, they’re drinking wine, calling friends. “I’m so glad you’re in my life… and I feel I can get back out there again.” Right? So I’m literally alone, I start drawing a bath, and the water came all the way up. And at the end of the day, I couldn’t f*cking do it! [chuckles] There’s just no way as a man to take a bath and not think about killing yourself. You know? There’s just something about slipping into that coffin-shaped thing. It’s like, “Am I gonna slit my wrists? Am I testifying against the Mob? What the f*ck am I doing here?” I’m a man! I don’t take a bath, you take a shower. Hose it off, block out your feelings, keep walking till you drop of a heart attack. Literally, as you’re going down, “Are you okay?” “I’m fine! I’m fine!” [laughter] Can’t take a bath. Sitting there playing with a rubber ducky, sticking my toe in the faucet. Right? Not allowed. Not allowed to be that happy, so… I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I think I’m gonna go back to therapy. Do that f*cking bullsh!t again. Fast-forward through all these stories I’ve told a million times. I gotta do it, though. And I’m gonna do it for my kid and do it for my wife, and, selfishly, do it for me… because… -[woman] Whoo! -I’m gonna tell you why. You’re not gonna like the results, miss. [laughter] This is why I’m gonna do it. If I actually don’t have a temper, like, I just think to myself, “What could my wife complain…” Like, “What could my wife bitch at me about?” Right? I f*cking crush everything. I do. I take out the trash, okay? The gate was squeaky the other day. I f*cking made sure that was done, you know? I pick up after myself. I like to think I’m a good dad. I work my ass off. I make a great f*cking living. Crush all of that. All she has on me is who I am as a person. [laughter] That’s it! [cheering and applause] Yeah, if I could just not be who I was when she met me… I think I’d have a shot, you know? So, we figured out the number one thing we fight about is television, you know? I watch sports. She watches those Real Housewives. You know, it just doesn’t work out. You know, I… You guys have The Real Housewives out here? You do? Yeah. Yeah. It’s just… I imagine it’s just the most depressing f*cking thing ever, isn’t it? Those women, they just look so f*cking exhausted, you know what I mean? Just with the war paint and the circle tits, just trying to f*cking tuck it in and f*cking… Like an athlete at the end of their career, just trying to limp on to the field one more time. They’re not as fast as they used to be. It reminds you of your own mortality. It’s just like, “Ladies, just f*cking sit down. Put on something flowing. I’ll put on a sport coat. We’ll be in bed by 8:30,” right? “We’re f*cking old,” you know? So, we realized that, uh, I don’t know, we always fight about the television, so I’m like, “What about documentaries? Why don’t we just tape something we both like?” We both love documentaries. They’re fun, right? You watch them. You learn something. You repeat it at a party. People think you read! [laughter] So I tape… You know, first one I tape is on Elvis Presley. Right? Now, I love Elvis. Okay? He fascinates me. He’s, like, the first rock star with the power of television. They just intersected, and he ascended to this level of fame that no one had ever been to before. Hence, he made all the mistakes ’cause there was no one there to help him out. Right? He got a piece-of-sh!t manager that stole from him. Bam! He stopped making music, started making sh!tty movies. He’s not a good actor, right? Does that. Married a minor, started doing drugs, got fat, got an entourage, got even fatter, started wearing onesies, doing karate kicks, splitting his f*cking pants. Nobody’s saying sh!t. “You look good, King!” “You like that? You like when my royal balls hang out?” “We love it, King. Keep f*cking going!” Starts doing pills, gets addicted, he f*cking dies alone on a toilet. All right? This man kicked open all of those f*cking doors for the rest of us. All right? So I sit down, and I’m watching this documentary as a white dude. Which is what I am. I’m looking out my white head, watching this white sh!t, it’s coming back into my white eyes, getting whiter by the f*cking second. All right? Now, my wife, on the other hand, she’s black, right? Now, I hate saying that, ’cause it makes it seem like I’m gonna start doing some stupid comparison jokes. You know, those dumb white guy, black guy jokes. It’s always like the white guy is like, “Oh, Jesus, I gotta do my taxes. Can this chair hold me?” The black guy is always like, “You need to loosen up, you gotta relax, man. You just gotta let it happen.” Right? [chuckles] It’s always the same stupid f*cking joke. I hate those jokes, you know, ’cause they’re easy, and it’s been my experience that it’s just not true, you know? Fifteen years of being with her, there’s really no difference, you know? Because at the end of the day, it’s a woman. [laughter] All right? It’s gonna be the same fights. I don’t give a f*ck who you’re with. I’m not gonna lie to you, there might be more head movement and hand gestures with different races of women… possibly an index finger jabbing at your forehead, whatever the f*ck that is. But at the end of the day, it’s the same fights. “What’s going on with us? Do you need to work on this? Why don’t we communicate better?” Right? So she starts watching this sh!t as a black person, right? And she’s seeing all the racism, obviously, that I’m seeing, but she was catching all this subtle sh!t that I was too white to see but I knew I was missing it ’cause I just kept hearing her huffing and puffing. Just sitting next to me, being like… [huffing] And I’m just sitting there like, “Okay, somebody did something! [laughter] I don’t know what just happened, but I don’t think that was good!” So right when I didn’t think it could get any worse, it couldn’t get any more uncomfortable between the two of us, this f*cking white dude comes on who, evidently, discovered Elvis. And he’s, like, a hundred and f*cking 90 years old. And he comes out, starts talking. He’s just like, “Well, basically, I was looking for a white boy that could take the down-and-dirty, nasty blues and combine it with the pristine, angelic sounds of bluegrass.” Yeah, that’s what he was doing. He was subtly putting black sh!t down here while he was propping up the white sh!t. You know? “The down-and-dirty, daddy-not-sticking-around, drug-infested neighborhood blues, with the Jesus-as-white-as-me, hair-the-color-of-the-sun, angelic, bluegrass-playing music,” right? So, at this point, my wife has, like, f*cking steam coming out of her ears, so I make a judgment call. I just f*cking shut it off. Right? And she looks at me. She’s like, “Why did you shut that off? Why did you shut it off?” I was like, “Because you’re about three minutes away from yelling at me like I produced this music. [laughter] All right? Let’s just forget it. We’ll watch something else.” She’s like, “No, why can’t we just watch the rest of this and then discuss it afterwards?” It’s like, “I don’t want to f*cking do that. I just wanna watch a documentary! I don’t want to have a f*cking lecture… because of these f*cking as*holes. I didn’t do anything! I’m just sitting here watching TV! Not to mention, we’re just gonna get into an argument.” She’s like, “Why would we get into an argument?” I’m like, “Ugh. All right, you know what? Because not for nothing, there was some black people in there saying some sh!t that I didn’t agree with. I’m not huffing and puffing.” Yeah… I said that. [laughter] Like a f*cking idiot! And she just looks at me. She’s like, “Like what black people? Like what black people that said what?” And at that point, it’s like you started the luge, right? You can’t get off the f*cking sled. Now you gotta have the argument. Like, “Oh, f*ck, here we go, guess we’re having this.” And I’m like, “All right. All right, the black guy brought up leg shaking, saying, ‘Elvis took leg shaking from us.’ It’s like, really? Leg shaking? Nobody thought to f*cking do this? Black people came up with that? You’re telling me that? I’ll even give you that! Let’s say you came up with that, but where did that black dude learn how to do it? Didn’t he watch some older black guy do it? But what? ‘Cause he’s the same color, he’s not stealing. He’s just carrying on the tradition. But if Elvis does it, ‘Oh, what the f*ck?’ Now he’s the biggest thief ever? That doesn’t make any sense to me.” She goes, “No, you idiot, it’s not about the leg shaking, okay? He appropriated a culture. He took all the music, he got all the money, got all the fame, he’s called the King of it now, and he never gave a sh!t, not even a shout-out.” And I was like, “All right. [laughter] Fair enough. Made about seven or eight good points there that I can’t refute. [laughter] He appropriated a culture. I get it. You’re right.” She goes, “Fine, thank you.” And I go, “However… [laughter] Not for nothing, do I get mad at you when you get on a skateboard and you start going down the f*cking street? Do I get all offended, like, ‘Hey, man, that’s some white sh!t! Stop appropriating my culture, man. Some dirty white kid in Santa Monica came up with that, man.'” So she starts laughing, and I should’ve stopped there, but I’m a comedian, right? I’m like, “Ooh, I’m getting a laugh. There’s gotta be a bigger laugh, so keep going, Bill. Let’s come with another example.” So I’m like, “Yeah, do I get mad at you when you fly from LA to New York in under six hours?” And she just, yeah… [chuckles] Yeah. And she just stares at me. She’s just like, “That was f*cked up.” [laughter] I was like, “Yeah. Yeah, I know. It sounded good in my f*cking head and then it came out. I just… I was just going for the laugh.” And then she wouldn’t let up. She’s like, “Why is it f*cked up? Why is it f*cked up?” So now I’m back in the classroom, and I’m like, “Because… if, historically speaking, black people enjoyed the same amount of freedom and privilege, they would have had the money and the time to figure out how to fly, too.” And she goes, “That’s right.” And I go, “However… [laughter] …your music would’ve suffered.” [laughter and applause] Yeah! “You can’t have my level of freedom and privilege walking around with that cul-de-sac, ‘It really is gonna be okay!’ and come up with that painful, beautiful music. You can’t do that. Next thing you know, you’re clapping on the f*cking downbeat, you’re playing a washboard, right? James Brown is line dancing. All goes out the window, so you gotta make a choice! Either you learn how to fly and your music sucks…” [laughter] [chuckles] Oh, I just noticed this thing came off. We can’t have this. There’s gotta be continuity between the f*cking shows here. Oh, Jesus Christ! This thing never comes off. It’s right when you tape a f*cking special, then everything just falls apart. Royal Albert Hall, huh? Where did you buy this mic stand, huh? Where the f*ck did you get this? [cheering and applause] You know the mic stand guy’s all f*cking pissed off. “Right, that’s a jolly good f*cking mic stand. F*cking Yank! F*cking Yank… Everything f*cking falls off on him. [laughter] How dare you! The Queen comes down here and sits in a box and watches the show!” You know what I heard about you guys? [laughter] Actually, by the way, I’ve been over here for a week, and as an American, I gotta say something. You guys are pretty fat, too. [laughter] [chuckles] [cheering and applause] Yeah. Specifically the men. I don’t know what’s going on with the men, but I don’t give a f*ck how fat you get, you’re gonna pour yourself into your skinny jeans. They still got them. It’s like you’re squeezing all the fat to the top like toothpaste. “Right, still wearing me same jeans from primary school!” [laughter] [chuckles] Um… I don’t know, but anyways… You know what I’m afraid of? Robots. Yeah. I saw one get interviewed on 60 Minutes. The top journalistic program in the United States. And he’s just sitting there getting interviewed, not nervous at all, just rattling off all the f*cking answers. You know? Not smoking, not f*cking, you know, leaking oil, whatever you would do as a nervous robot, right? And the reporter’s asking him questions, and in the end, he goes, “So, tell us…” He’s like, uh… He’s like, “What are your goals?” And I am alone in a hotel room, and I literally lean towards the TV. I’m like, “Do these f*cking things have goals?” [laughter] And the f*cking robot just answers. He just goes… uh… He goes, “What are your goals?” And the robot goes, “To become smarter than human beings.” Yeah! And the reporter just blows by it. He’s like, “Okay, and what’s your favorite color?” [laughter] Meanwhile, I’m standing on my bed, yelling at the TV, like, “Dude, unplug that f*cking thing! Take the batteries out! Pull the wire… Pull the wires out! Do something! How many sci-fi movies do you have to see before you realize where this is going?” So, anyways, every smart person, every super-smart person in the world is saying these f*cking things are gonna kill us. Even your boy here, he recently died. What was his name? He was always sitting down. [man] Hawking! [laughter] Hawking, Stephen Hawking, yeah! Too good to f*cking stand up and make his point, just sitting down, all f*cking smarmy. [chuckles] “Oh, I care so much, I poured ice on myself! Um… And I showed off my abs at the same time for the Gram!” No, I’m just f*cking with you. I am so glad that guy’s f*cking dead, though. You know? [laughter] Look at you guys. How much longer did you want him to suffer? You don’t believe in an afterlife? Maybe he’s up there now, his f*cking legs work, he’s getting an angelic blow job. How much longer did you want him to f*cking sit there so you could feel better about yourself? “Well, at least I’m not all f*cking twisted up, saying smart sh!t,” right? I couldn’t f*cking stand that guy. He was so f*cking negative! He never had anything positive to say. “Hey, Steve, what have you got for us today?” “In 2035, there will be no more apples.” “Thank you, Steve! Thanks a lot. Wasn’t thinking about that, now I am. Hey, so what’s the solution?” “It’s too late. We needed to try 40 years ago.” “Thanks a lot, buddy. I’m gonna go cry with my child now.” Dude, I could hang out with that guy for about three minutes before I took the brake off his chair and just zoomed him into the other room. [laughter] “Hey, Steve, come back here when you got something dumb and positive to say.” Yeah. Well, listen, I agreed with all of these super-smart people thinking that these f*cking robots were gonna kill us. Right? I agreed with all of that sh!t until, a couple of years ago, I was in New York, and I was looking through a newspaper, right? And I have a whole new f*cking theory. But in order for me to tell you my theory, I have to quickly take you back to the deep, dark, sordid history of the blow-up doll. All right? I know there’s a lot of millennials here, young people. You probably don’t even know what one of these is, all right? With your f*cking… I don’t know what you guys do, your virtual reality glasses, you know, f*cking free porn flying by. You’re grabbing titties, whatever. Whatever it is you do. Right? [laughter] Back in the day, this was the deal. If you were a person and you wanted to have sex with somebody else, but, like, nobody else wanted to have sex with you… and, you know, you weren’t strong enough to hold anybody down, I mean… [laughter] You had to go… You had to… That’s how it was! You had to go out, and you had to get a blow-up doll. And you had to f*cking go out and get it. You had to f*cking go out and get it. All right? You couldn’t just order it off of an Amazon and some delivery guy shows up. He doesn’t know what’s in the box. You’re standing there like Tom Hanks, “Hey, how you doing? Great to see you!” [chuckles] “I’m gonna f*ck that, and you have no idea what it is!” [laughter] No. Dude, you had to go down, and you had to f*cking get this thing. You had to find a porno store. You had to work it out that it was far enough away from your house that no one’s gonna recognize your car. You drive down at, like, 11 in the morning. Who the f*ck is gonna be there then, right? You park in the back on, like, a Tuesday, just sitting there in the car, psyching yourself up. [exhaling] “Okay, I’m not hurting anybody. It’s just an urge. Just get in there, okay? Hand him the money, just get in there and get it done!” You yank your hat down. You f*cking walk in with all your courage. Then you get in there, there’d be too many other perverts in there, and you get all psyched out. So what you do is you just grab a bunch of videotapes, and you walked up to the counter. And you had to make it look like it was an impulse buy, right? And you’re walking up, and everything, all the creepy sh!t, was behind the counter, right? Just f*cking heads and feet, just an ass, body parts. Serial killer buffet. “What f*cking world am I entering? Oh, my God, somebody’s f*cking a neck? Jesus Christ!” Right? And you set it down. Just make it look real subtle. “Okay, buddy, is that gonna be all?” “Uh, yeah, no, maybe that thing down the end with the surprised look on its face. Maybe I’d like to take a shot at that. I don’t know.” The guy wraps it up, you finally get it. You give him the money. You f*cking run out to the car. You have this whole weird emotion. You’re, like, excited and you hate yourself. “Thank God, I finally did it! What the f*ck is wrong with me?” And just drive off. You go back to your little sh!tty f*cking apartment, and you had to blow it up quietly so none of your neighbors heard. Just like… [blowing] Then you got excited, started going a little faster. And just watching this thing slowly coming to life, just like… [laughter] [applause] Right? And then you’d wrap those rubber legs around you. [screams] And God forbid you got caught. Your roommate comes walking in, “He’s f*cking a blow-up doll!” Dude, your life was over! You had, like, six minutes to get your mom on the phone. “Mom, I love you, and you’re never gonna see me again! Don’t believe what people said about me! I’m so sorry! I’m going to Alaska! Oh, God, God!” Click. That was it. You moved to Alaska. No one ever saw you again. And that’s why, to this day, if you go to Alaska, there’s, like, eight men for every two women. Yeah, ’cause that state is littered with men who got caught f*cking sh!t they shouldn’t have been f*cking. [laughter] So, now, fast-forward to about 2016, I’m in New York City, right? And I’m looking through the newspaper, whatever, and I come across an article, and it’s on this robot that, for $10,000, you buy this thing, you can have sex with it. Right? Now, notice, five minutes ago, I brought up a blow-up doll. Didn’t even have a joke, just said “blow-up doll” and you all laughed. Ha ha ha ha. A blow-up doll. “Who would do such a stupid thing?” Right? “That’s weird.” Five minutes later, I say, “A robot that you can have sex with,” dead silence in here. [laughter] As if, collectively, you were all just like, “Well… [laughter] What does it look like?” I’m not gonna lie to you. It still looks like a dead body, but it looks way f*cking better… than that blow-up doll from 30 years ago. And that’s what scares me. Because everything gets better. Right? You look at when cars first came out, the stupid horn… Ah-oo-ga. You had to crank-start it, you’d run over your best friend. Now you can start one up with a remote control from, like, 50 yards away. Right? Remember when airbags first came out? They just had one for the driver. [squeals] Ah! “My family! [laughter] [sobs] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Why would you just save me?” [laughter] And then, eventually, they got airbags for everybody. Well, these robot sex dolls are gonna be no different. Okay? They’re just gonna keep getting better and better and better, and these f*cking nerds are not gonna be making any regular-looking robot dolls, right? You know, some girl next door, you know, just some plain Jane, the chick your mom likes, being like, “Well, there’s a nice girl you could settle down with. She knows how to cook.” F*ck that. They’re gonna make Victoria’s Secret supermodels, just absolute, like, Paris runway-looking supermodels, and you’re gonna come home to one of these things and it’s gonna laugh at all your jokes. [robotic laughing] It’s gonna sit down and watch the game with you, like, “It doesn’t get any better than this. Yes, it does!” Ah! Ah! Ah! And it’s gonna get up and make you a f*cking, I don’t know, Bundt cake or a meat pie, whatever the f*ck you people eat, right? [laughter] There’s not gonna be a human woman in here that’s gonna be able to compete with that… for longer than 90 minutes, even on your birthday! By the third trip to the fridge, she’ll be like, “F*cking get it yourself! What am I, your slave? Go f*ck yourself!” And after you’ve been with one of these robots, like, sex dolls, you’re not gonna be able to go back to a real woman. Right, with all her hopes and dreams… and her needs. You’re gonna be coming home. She’s like, “What is going on with you? We’re not connecting. We need a date night.” All you’ll be thinking is, like, “How do I shut this f*cking thing off? What, is it on nagging mode? Why isn’t it blowing me right now? I clearly entered the room. I entered the room. It’s supposed to drop to its knees and blow me. I don’t understand.” Yeah, like, your ego is gonna be at, like, a dictator level. Like, “Me and my man tits have arrived! Service me! Say that I am your lord!” Yeah, that’s it. You’re not gonna be able to go back to a real woman, and then nobody’s gonna be f*cking women, so they’re gonna get lonely, so they’ll have to create a doll for you guys, right? A giant f*cking… I don’t know what you guys are into. I don’t pretend to know. Like, some giant Brad Pitt-looking f*cking robot doll, f*cking eight-pack abs, a robot d!ck down to the floor. You know? Holds both your hands when you tell a story. All right? [laughter and applause] Whatever you’re into! Opens a bottle of wine at 12 noon. “It’s got to be five o’clock somewhere.” [robotic laughing] Yeah. I think they’re gonna f*ck us into extinction. ‘Cause at that point, the only people left having sex with other human beings are gonna be hipsters and the homeless. Right? Because hipsters, they love all the old sh!t, right? Cassette tapes, Frisbees, dressing like a cobbler… Whatever the f*ck it is they’re doing, right? But even a homeless guy, you know, after, like, I don’t know, a couple of years, he’ll be able to drag some old, one-legged, f*cked-out robot model out of the trash, drag it back to its lair. That thing will still be building him up, you know, just laying there, like, “I don’t think you smell that bad.” [robotic laughing] “This is my favorite bridge.” [robotic laughing] Yeah. And we’re all gonna f*cking die off, and what’s gonna be left to fight these robots off is gonna be an entire generation of hipster spawn. Yeah! And they’re gonna go to war ironically. [laughter] Yeah. Dressing… Dressed like… I don’t know, f*cking growing Civil War beards, dressing like Star Wars action figures, and they are gonna get f*cking slaughtered! And right when they get down to the last 30, there’s gonna be a liberal robot going like, “We should save a few for posterity.” Right? And they’re just gonna stick them in a zoo… and be this little hodgepodge of what was left. You know, black, white, Latin, Asian, gay, straight, trans, whatever. Whatever the f*ck, right? And they’re still gonna be arguing with each other. The robots will just be standing outside, going, “I love it when they cross their legs.” [laughs robotically] [laughs] Yeah. And this is the f*cking world that I brought my daughter into. Like, I actually… am legitimately scared about them. I don’t know. I gotta tell you, though, becoming a dad was the greatest… is the greatest f*cking thing that ever happened to me. It really is. I don’t have any jokes about my kid. No, it is. [cheering and applause] And you’re applauding my wife. She did all the work. Yeah. Yeah, knocking a woman up, that’s easy. You just have fun. You… Unprotected sex, bam, you knock them up, and then they have to deal with it. You know? No matter how much they try to drag you into it, it really is, it’s their show. You know? I always say my wife… When my wife was pregnant, I’d say, “My wife, you know, she’s pregnant.” Then I have these people like, “Excuse me, you’re supposed to say, ‘We’re pregnant.’ You’re supposed to say, ‘We’re pregnant.'” It’s like, “Well, I’m not a seahorse, so I’m not f*cking pregnant.” My wife is pregnant. She’s putting on weight, her feet are swelling up. You know, she’s miserable. F*cking miserable. I’m still doing pull-ups. I’m crushing it while being pregnant. I’m still drinking, smoking, yeah. [chuckles] No, the only thing that sucked was I had to get rid of my dog. Yeah. Had to find her a new home. Well, I finally had to admit that she was f*cking crazy. I got a crazy rescue dog and, uh, yeah, it was one of these f*cking dogs, man. It tried to kill both of my parents. It tried to kill my father-in-law. It bit one of my friends. I’d have family come over, friends or whatever, we’d have to stick it in the back room, like, lock the door. For the first hour, it’d just be throwing itself up against the door. “I’ll f*cking kill all you motherf*ckers! I’ll kill all you motherf*ckers!” Looking under the door, “I can see your feet! I know what you smell like! I’ll follow you home. I’ll find you. I’ll f*cking kill all of you!” And we were just in total denial, like, “No, she’s just a little, you know, a little scared… ’cause she was abused.” And we got, like, a trainer and all of that sh!t, and he finally said, “Listen, man, this is one of these dogs nature said no to, but people said yes to.” So I’m like, “Jesus Christ, you could’ve told me that 10,000 f*cking dollars ago!” You know? So now my wife, she’s five months pregnant, she’s six months, seven, eight months pregnant. It’s just the f*cking… this thing just hanging over my head, and finally I said to my wife, “We gotta do something about this.” I’m not gonna be this guy in the news, being like, “Well, you know, uh, the dog loved me and my wife, so I figured it’d be all right to let it sleep near the bassinet. And, well, you can imagine my surprise the next morning…” Yeah. I wasn’t gonna be that guy in the news whose dog ate his baby. Right? I gotta get rid of this thing. So we called my trainer, and he goes, “All right, I’ll take it.” Okay, thank God they’re not gonna put the dog down or anything like that, so I’m like, “Thank God.” So he goes, “I’ll come back in a week.” And it was very sad because we both loved this dog, like, with all our hearts, right? And what amazed me, though, was over that week, the way my wife handled grief versus me. It was so mature. She just, like, took it on. I just went into denial. I was just like, “Well, I’m not giving it away tomorrow, so I’m not gonna think about it.” And I just called the dog up on the bed, started petting her and lashing out at people for no f*cking reason. Right? My wife just went into the bathroom that night. She was brushing her teeth. I could just hear her quietly crying. [weeping] I swear to God, I was on the bed, and I literally… I got mad at her. I didn’t yell at her. Just… I had it just internal, you know? And I was just thinking, like, “Why is she having the proper emotion in this f*cking moment? Why isn’t she just blocking it out the f*cking way I am?” Right? “Just don’t deal with it till you f*cking give it away, and then just start yelling at people. The way I do.” Right? That’s what we did. I blocked it out, and every night, she would cry a bit more. The whole week… [weeping] Till the night before, she’s like… [sobs loudly] Right? And what I didn’t realize was she had cried herself into acceptance. And meanwhile, my emotions were still at the starting line. And there’s a knock at the door, and she goes, “Okay, he’s here. Go get the dog.” And I’m like, “Hey, Cleo!” And she popped her head up, and I saw her wagging her f*cking tail, and all of a sudden, eight years of conditional love all started bubbling up, and I was like, “Oh, f*ck, not now! Not now!” So I just pushed it down. [grunts] I just walked at her like some weird game show host. “Hey, how are you? I’m smiling for no reason, all right? Now we’re going for a walk. I’m just gonna say what we’re doing so I don’t think about what I’m feeling.” And I just walked out, handed the leash to the new owner, pet her on the head, didn’t even look her in the eye, ’cause I knew I couldn’t, and just turned around and walked away from something that I had loved more than I had loved anything in my life up to that point. Don’t tell my wife. All right? [laughter] Then I come back into the house. She’s just looking at me. She knows I’m out of my f*cking mind. She’s like, “Are you okay? Everything all right? Wanna talk about it? We could go get something to eat?” I’m like, “No, I’m fine. Sometimes, you have to be up here and think logical, and not be in your heart. I’m just gonna go into the bathroom for a second.” And I went in, and I closed the door, and for 0.8 seconds, cried like a little boy, before I put the lid back on the jar. Fastened it back and just added it to the shelf of anger that sits in every man’s chest. Yeah. [cheering and applause] And I couldn’t help but wonder in that moment who that I love in my life is gonna pay for that in the future. [laughter] Like, where am I gonna be? Family reunion, Bed Bath & Beyond… “How many f*cking towels do we need? Jesus Christ, it’s a f*cking sickness with you!” “Where is this coming from? I just don’t understand where this is coming from.” Listen, you guys are so awesome. Thank you so much for coming out. I had a great time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [cheering and applause] Seriously, thank you, guys, so much. It’s been the best two days of my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good night! [cheering continues] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/comedy-central-presents-daniel-tosh-2003-full-transcript/ | COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: DANIEL TOSH (2003) – Full Transcript | comedy central | Comedy Central, Season 7, Episode 23 One, two, three, four…
Announcer: From New York City, comedy central presents: Daniel Tosh: Thank you. You guys are ready to go. I hope you don’t mind if I just warm up a little bit first, just a couple of these. There you go. All right. You remember that exercise in P.E. Class? Have you ever done it in your life since? [Laughter] The answer’s no.
You ever woke up in the morning, said, “you know what I need to do today? Some a these.” Yeah. There you go. That feels great. Now the other way. Well, that’s awfully tricky. [Laughter] We wonder why we have a weight problem as a nation. I’m pretty sure this isn’t cuttin’ it. [Laughter] Oh, this is a great job. People applaud when I go to work. Yeah. That’s a lot better than your job. I mean it– don’t get me wrong. It’s not like a rock star, where people lose their minds screamin’. Could you imagine that at your job? Going in, “hey, how’s it going, Kelly? Listen, I’m gonna need that memo on my desk by noon.” “No! Oh! Oh, God, I got sumthin’ from ‘ya! [Laughter] “Well, thanks, but I’m gonna still need that on my desk.” I don’t even know what women do in there. That’s witchcraft. That’s voodoo as far as I’m concerned. It takes me two hands, a pair of pliers. Three hours later, I’m pleadin’ for some teamwork. Now you can reach in here and grab your panties, for cryin’ out loud. The heck is going on down there? Do you have a magic midget runnin’ up and down your back, unhookin’ stuff? What, do you give him a crouton and then he disappears? [Laughter] I don’t know how the magic midgets work. I recently bought a pair of cargo pants. I don’t even cargo. Yeah…They don’t even check at the register. Anybody can buy those. They got all the pockets down the leg. Then one day I’m walking down the street, and I said to myself, “Daniel, this is not how your father raised you. You’re wastin’ space.” So I started to collect change from that day forward. Yeah, I have a five gallon jar at my house like to fill with change. I don’t stop till I reach the tiptop. And then a little bell goes off, and I know cargo pant day is here at last. And I dance. [Laughter] Yeah. And I put the cargo pants on with a belt, extra tight because I don’t wanna have an embarrassing situation on such a great day. And I fill up all the pockets with the change. And then I get a car alarm. Not a car alarm with a car, just the car alarm. And I hold it to my chest really closely. And then I go walk around the streets of Manhattan, and I wait for the first homeless person to come up to me and say, “hey, you got any spare change?” Then I set the car alarm off. [Car alarm sounding] You hit the jackpot, mofo! [Laughter and applause] Oh, and then I start throwin’ all the change. And that hurts. But he doesn’t care because he won. So he’s jumpin’ up and down. “I won! I won! Call the pit boss.” And I’m like, “calm down, smelly. I don’t have to.” It’s under $400. And that’s how Oktoberfest started. [Laughter] Yes. That is a true story. [Cheering and applause] Sometimes when I’m home alone, i feel sad, and i feel like nuthin’ in my life is going right. So i like to take a home pregnancy test. [Laughter] Yeah. That way I can utter the phrase, “hey, at least I’m not pregnant.” And I realize better days are right around the corner. I’m not very good with people, either. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. Yeah, and I’d be like, “hey, I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “whatever, queer.” Look, that’s not nice at all. [Laughter continues] You think it’s trendy for young kids in Japan to get tattoos of words written in English? [Laughter] Huh? Do you think they’re walking around over there, “hey, Kim, check this out. I just got it yesterday. It means love and water.” [Laughter] Oh, that’s sexy. Nah. I don’t like tattoos. I know my generation loves to get ’em. I’m not a fan. My friends try to always sell me on ’em. They’re like, “tattoos, that’s an artistic expression.” I’m like, “wow, because it looks like a butterfly above your cooter. [Laughter] But i guess in your circle, that’s art.” I think if you’re gonna get a tattoo, just get one, the words, “I’m dumb,” that’s it. That way, in ten years, when you go, “why did I get this? You can be like, “oh. I’m dumb.” [Laughter] “Me not talkie no more.” [Laughter] I live in Los Angeles. Girls in Los Angeles like to say this. “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” Ooh. I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.” [Laughter and applause] Yeah. All right. [Cheering] I know a lot of you think I’m kinda crazy. I am. I have voices in my head. But they speak in Spanish, and i have no idea what they’re saying. [Laughter] That’s irritating. I wish one of ’em would get a job. They’re my voices, don’t worry about ’em. What’s a good time for me? I’ll tell ‘ya. My favorite robe, some yogurt, and an episode of trading spaces. Oh. Then I’m in heaven. [Cheering] Do you love Trading Spaces? I do– I would never be on that show, though. You wanna know why? ‘Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. [Laughter] They do not have my best interest at heart. ‘Cause it’s always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer comin’ in, going, “oh, my goodness, I love this place. This is what I’m thinking for your friend’s house. Circus tent. Big circus tent. [Laughter] Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?” “Oh, yeah, he’d love a circus tent.” [Laughter] “No, no, no, yeah. Why don’t you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt. That way, the ponies will feel at home.” “Great. We’re under budget.” Now I’m a lousy piece a ass, and I should know. I’ve been there almost every time. Well, but it’s not my fault. I never got a “birds and the bees” speech as a child. I remember the closest thing I ever got. One time my dad was cooking breakfast. He’s like, “son, you better listen up, ’cause I’m only gonna say this one time.” He was in the fugees. [Laughter] Thanks. “Sex is a lot like this egg.” I’m like, “egg? Dad, i think that’s drugs.” [Laughter] “Whatever, queer.” “Why is everyone saying that?” “Just listen, all right?” “First thing I do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then you gotta take her, crack over the head, and lay her out flat, all right? Come on, now. Wait till she starts sizzlin’ really good. Then you can flip her on over. There you go. Yeah. Oh. Don’t get too excited, or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.” [Laughter] What’s going on? Oh. Ooh, that’s a gross– no, it’s not. That’s a breakfast joke. That’s the most important joke of the day. Yeah, if you don’t laugh at that, you’re gonna get sleepy around 11:30. And you’ll be like, “why am I so tired?” Maybe not. I was dating this girl. She got a boob job, a breast enlargement. But she puts squeak toys in ’em. [Laughter] Yeah. And I’m like [Squeaking] ah! She was a clown, so it was a tax write-off. Ah, the floor is lava! [Sighs] I almost got burned there. Well, yeah, you don’t know what that is? Fine, I don’t care. That’s a game I used to play as a child, the floor is lava. It’s when you’d climb on all the furniture in your house, and you couldn’t touch the floor. Yeah, you might have called it something completely different, but it meant the same thing. You were poor. [Laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause I remember going, “mom, I would like a Nintendo.” And she’s like “the floor’s lava.” I’m like, “what the hell is wrong with our house?” “Why can’t we afford carpet?” It’s called two jobs, bitch. No. That’s how I used to talk. I was very street. All right, maybe not. I uh…I’m gonna be a horrible father. But I know this. And I don’t have any kids. So I think that’s pretty good. Trust me, I have a lot of friends like, “I’m gonna make a great dad.” Wow, because you’re a complete loser now. You know I’m not against responsibility. I’m actually looking into legally adopting a granddaughter. [Laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause being a grandpa is cool, and it’s really easy. It’ll be awesome. I’ll adopt some cute little 14-year old girl. And she’ll be like, “hey, dad, thanks for adopt– ” I’m like, “whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m your grandpa.” And she’ll be like, “oh. Well, see ‘ya at Christmas.” Couple years go by. She’s in college. Comes home with some of her friends. Be like, “hey, girls. Why don’t you come over here and sit on grandpa’s lap.” Then she’ll be like, “oh, grandpa.” Because you never report grandpa for being creepy. [Laughter] Life is what you make it. Have you heard that? Yeah. Do you live it? You don’t. I live it. I have a great life. My friends think it’s so much better than it really is. Why? Because i make it better. That’s right. You wanna know where I’m working next week? Hawaii. Yeah. I’m gonna be in Hawaii. All right, really, I’m gonna be in New Bern, North Carolina. Yeah. But in my mind– [laughter] I’m going to Hawaii. And you can do it, too. And it is a lot cheaper. [Laughter] Any time you’re going someplace that you don’t wanna go, just pretend you’re going to Hawaii. Pack a bunch of flowered shirts, jump off the plane, be like, “aloha, everybody. [Chuckles] Where’s my lei?” “You’re in trouble.” Order tropical drinks all week. When you get home, your friends’ll be like, “hey, we’ve never been to Hawaii. How was it?” And just be like, “eh– was all right.” I even took my girlfriend last week to Paris. The whole time she’s like, “this looks a lot like Birmingham, Alabama.” And I’m like, “shut up, Britney Spears.” And she’s like, “quit calling me Britney Spears.” And I’m like “no one talks to “the rock” like that, bitch.” [Laughter and applause] Yeah. [Cheering] Which is really funny, because i don’t have a girlfriend. [Laughter] That was just some lady on the bus. She did not smell what i was cooking. [Laughter] Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European. [Laughter] It’s not fun to fly, I’ll tell ‘ya. I have one of those cell phones with the ear-piece that hangs straight down. So when you talk, you look like you’re crazy. Everybody eavesdrops on your conversation. They don’t want to. They’re forced to because you project right onto the air. So when i get a phone call at the airport, I’ll admit it. I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. [Laughter] Gate 47 is completely clear. People notice in a hurry. “Honey, something’s going on. That guy has a wire hanging down. Maybe we shouldn’t be standing right– ” “stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!” “Honey, there is a sting going on here at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please let’s– “stand down, blue team! Don’t– hold on, the suspect’s approaching. He’s in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.” And i find some random businessman. I run, i just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping. “Thank you for making our airways safe.” And then i go get on my plane. And that guy’s just got a weird story to tell for the rest of his life. [Laughter] Yeah. He’s like “I’m never going back to Los Angeles again. I was at the airport a couple days ago, and this guy came outta nowhere. And he just beat me up.” [Laughter] “And everybody just clapped. [Laughter] What is wrong with those people?” I think boxers are the greatest athletes of all sports, for the simple fact that they don’t cry. That is mind blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh, my gosh, it hurts so bad. [Laughter] They have to go back to a corner where some little man yells at ’em. “Shut up, i just got punched in the face.” [Laughter] “Yeah, i know, dodge and punch more. It is a very simple concept.” If i was a boxer, you know who i would hire for my corner man? My mom. [Laughter] At least she could make me feel good on the inside. “I don’t wanna fight anymore.” “Who’s my big boy? [Laughter] You are. Yes, you– do you want me to call his parents? No? Okay, then dry those tears, pussy, that’s why dad left.” Cannibalism is a horrible scenario. I’m not gonna argue with you. But if you had to eat another human being to survive, do you think they taste like their ethnic background? [Laughter] Do you think Mexicans are spicy? [Laughter] Do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into one? You can start laughing now. I’m gonna do everybody in here. [Laughter] Chinese people, are you hungry 30 minutes later for more? [Laughter] Let’s go, everybody. Black people– taste like chicken. [Laughter] All’s fair, all’s fair. White people? All right, you don’t eat white people. I’m sorry, i don’t make the rules. [Laughter] Do you at least understand why i end the joke that way? Because it’s so funny to make a room full of white people uncomfortable. “Oh, see, we laughed at black people taste like chicken, ’cause we kinda thought you were gonna throw one in our direction. And now you pretty much hung us out to dry.” It’s just a joke. What if that joke is the reason i don’t get into heaven? Like i get up to heaven, find out God’s black. Yeah. He comes walking up to me. “Ah, that joke wasn’t funny, mother(Bleep). Lemme tell you sumpin’, that black people taste like chicken. White people taste like macaroni and cheese, bitch.” [Laughter and applause] All right. Calm down, crackers, this ain’t a rally. I don’t want anyone gettin’ the wrong idea. I know– that– i doubt God’s usin’ that kinda language. And that’s a very stereotypical voice i used for an African-American. I apologize. How many black comics have you heard in your lifetime go, “you know white people. Hi, Bob, how are you? Good, tom, thanks for askin’.” [Laughter] I don’t sound like that at all. That’s very offensive. I do that joke one night– and of course a white lady came running up to me after the show. She goes, “what gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that?” I’m like, “listen, lady. My best friend is Cuban, and that’s close enough.” [Laughter] Yeah. She was like, “oh, I’m sorry.” [Laughter] Does everybody hopefully their wjd bracelets on? Do you know what that is, everybody? ‘What would Jesus do?’ They’re not magical. They’re just a reminder to be a better person, to live a better life. It’s true. ‘Cause i was wearing my bracelet recently, and i was in the movie theater. This guy’s cell phone went off. Don’t you just hate that? Yeah. And I’m like, “woo.” And then he picked it up. “Hey, how’s it going? I’m in a movie.” And I’m like, “hey, get off the phone.” And he’s like, “mind your own business.” And i almost went crazy. But then i looked at my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So i lit him on fire and sent him to hell. [Laughter] Yeah, i did. [Cheers and applause] I’ll be honest, i felt a lot better afterwards. Those things work. Money doesn’t buy happiness. That phrase should end with, “just kidding.” [Laughter] Good. I’m not a good sport. I’ll admit it. I don’t enjoy watching other people succeed. That’s why all my best friends are in the seventh grade. [Laughter] You can do it, too. It’s great for your esteem. No matter what, they come– “oh, i got an a on my paper.” “Oh, i have a car.” [Laughter] I don’t like game shows. I don’t like watchin’ people win money. My biggest fear in my life’s my next door neighbor knocks on my door one day. [Knocks] “Hey, Daniel, get out here. I just won the lottery. I’m outta here for good.” “Hold on. Now have you told anybody yet?” “N– n– no, you’re the first one.” [Bang] [Laughter] Yeah, i don’t know if you can cremate someone in a gas fireplace, but I’ll find out. [Laughter] And these game shows giving away millions of dollars? Who wants to watch that? I’d like a game show with millionaires on it. And they have to play with their own money. Yeah, and they can’t win money, they can only lose, till one of ’em goes completely broke. And the show’s called, “ha, ha, now you’re poor.” [Laughter] I’d watch that show every day. What time is it? It’s “ha-ha now you’re poor” time. [Laughter] That’s the dance you do when it comes on, i guess. [Laughter] Now you know the worst television, mtv. I can’t st– music television. They call it that. They don’t even play music. How’s that legal? [Laughter] What if everybody did that? “Hey, thanks for callin’ New York pizza.” “Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.” “Oh, we don’t sell pizza.” “What?” “No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call the book store if you’re hungry.” They have a show on mtv that i can’t stand– “cribs.” You ever watch “cribs?” Yeah, that show should be called “wanna feel like a failure?” Little bowwow has an s series. That’s not right. [Laughter] Tell you what, though. If i ever get really famous, i promise you the greatest “cribs” episode of all time. Oh, you can trust me on this one. I’m gonna hire universal studios to come over to my house, build an extension of caves and corridors that go from my bedroom to the bathroom. That way, every night, when i wake up to go pee, the adventure begins. [Laughter] So i wake up, right? I’m like scared and nervous and i have to go. And the camera crew’s following me. And I’m like, “ooh.” And i hire Vin Diesel to hide and jump out and scare me and sword fight me. And he’s like “prepare to die.” And I’m like, “calm down, you over-actor. I’m paying you to lose.” And he’s like– and then i kill him. And there’s a princess tied up. And she’s like, “thank you. I’ve been here for so long.” I’m like, “no time for talkie, gotta tinkle. Let’s run.” We start going. The walls street closin’ in. Yeah, there’s doors going down, and rocks everywhere. And we have to go across an old rope bridge. But halfway across the rope bridge, the bottom one sets on fire and it snaps. And she falls, but i got her with one arm. Yeah, i can feel her slippin. But she’s looking up at me, going, “I’ll never stop loving you.” Close up on my eyes, and a close up on her eyes, and i close up on my eyes… Like– and then she falls. Like, “aaaah!” And I’m like, “whyyyyy? Whyyyy?” And i snap outta that. I gotta pee like a racehorse. Back up onto the rope. I get to the bathroom. I pull my pajamas down, ’cause i sit down and pee like a girl when I’m at my house. It’s my house, i feel more comfortable that way. Don’t judge me, the Bible says not to. But as soon as i sit down, a hologram of my dad pops up. And he’s like, “Daniel, this is your father. Make sure you look behind the shower curtain before you–.” Too late. A dragon comes from behind the shower curtain. Yeah…It’s gonna spray me with fire, but i rip the medicine cabinet off, right? Mirror ching-ching, kills the dragon. And then i got to the bathroom. I go back to bed. And no one even knows i added these extensions on to my house. It’s top secret. My maid comes runnin’ in. “Daniel, Daniel! What’s with all that ruckus?” And I’m like, “oh, Helga, it was nothing. Now get back to your quarters.” And she’s like, “hmmm.” Then i roll over and stare at the camera crew, and I go, “shhhh.” [Laughter] And then the camera goes back onto Vin Diesel’s body. Close up on his face. And then his eyes open. Well, did you get chills? Yeah. Let’s see p. Diddy top that crib. Thanks a lot, you guys. [Cheers and applause] captioning made possible by comedy central. Captioned by mccaptioning services. | Thank you. You guys are ready to go. I hope you don’t mind if I just warm up a little bit first, just a couple of these. There you go. All right. You remember that exercise in P.E. Class? Have you ever done it in your life since? [Laughter] The answer’s no. You ever woke up in the morning, said, “you know what I need to do today? Some a these.” Yeah. There you go. That feels great. Now the other way. Well, that’s awfully tricky. [Laughter] We wonder why we have a weight problem as a nation. I’m pretty sure this isn’t cuttin’ it. [Laughter] Oh, this is a great job. People applaud when I go to work. Yeah. That’s a lot better than your job. I mean it– don’t get me wrong. It’s not like a rock star, where people lose their minds screamin’. Could you imagine that at your job? Going in, “hey, how’s it going, Kelly? Listen, I’m gonna need that memo on my desk by noon.” “No! Oh! Oh, God, I got sumthin’ from ‘ya! [Laughter] “Well, thanks, but I’m gonna still need that on my desk.” I don’t even know what women do in there. That’s witchcraft. That’s voodoo as far as I’m concerned. It takes me two hands, a pair of pliers. Three hours later, I’m pleadin’ for some teamwork. Now you can reach in here and grab your panties, for cryin’ out loud. The heck is going on down there? Do you have a magic midget runnin’ up and down your back, unhookin’ stuff? What, do you give him a crouton and then he disappears? [Laughter] I don’t know how the magic midgets work. I recently bought a pair of cargo pants. I don’t even cargo. Yeah…They don’t even check at the register. Anybody can buy those. They got all the pockets down the leg. Then one day I’m walking down the street, and I said to myself, “Daniel, this is not how your father raised you. You’re wastin’ space.” So I started to collect change from that day forward. Yeah, I have a five gallon jar at my house like to fill with change. I don’t stop till I reach the tiptop. And then a little bell goes off, and I know cargo pant day is here at last. And I dance. [Laughter] Yeah. And I put the cargo pants on with a belt, extra tight because I don’t wanna have an embarrassing situation on such a great day. And I fill up all the pockets with the change. And then I get a car alarm. Not a car alarm with a car, just the car alarm. And I hold it to my chest really closely. And then I go walk around the streets of Manhattan, and I wait for the first homeless person to come up to me and say, “hey, you got any spare change?” Then I set the car alarm off. [Car alarm sounding] You hit the jackpot, mofo! [Laughter and applause] Oh, and then I start throwin’ all the change. And that hurts. But he doesn’t care because he won. So he’s jumpin’ up and down. “I won! I won! Call the pit boss.” And I’m like, “calm down, smelly. I don’t have to.” It’s under $400. And that’s how Oktoberfest started. [Laughter] Yes. That is a true story. [Cheering and applause] Sometimes when I’m home alone, i feel sad, and i feel like nuthin’ in my life is going right. So i like to take a home pregnancy test. [Laughter] Yeah. That way I can utter the phrase, “hey, at least I’m not pregnant.” And I realize better days are right around the corner. I’m not very good with people, either. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. Yeah, and I’d be like, “hey, I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “whatever, queer.” Look, that’s not nice at all. [Laughter continues] You think it’s trendy for young kids in Japan to get tattoos of words written in English? [Laughter] Huh? Do you think they’re walking around over there, “hey, Kim, check this out. I just got it yesterday. It means love and water.” [Laughter] Oh, that’s sexy. Nah. I don’t like tattoos. I know my generation loves to get ’em. I’m not a fan. My friends try to always sell me on ’em. They’re like, “tattoos, that’s an artistic expression.” I’m like, “wow, because it looks like a butterfly above your cooter. [Laughter] But i guess in your circle, that’s art.” I think if you’re gonna get a tattoo, just get one, the words, “I’m dumb,” that’s it. That way, in ten years, when you go, “why did I get this? You can be like, “oh. I’m dumb.” [Laughter] “Me not talkie no more.” [Laughter] I live in Los Angeles. Girls in Los Angeles like to say this. “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” Ooh. I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.” [Laughter and applause] Yeah. All right. [Cheering] I know a lot of you think I’m kinda crazy. I am. I have voices in my head. But they speak in Spanish, and i have no idea what they’re saying. [Laughter] That’s irritating. I wish one of ’em would get a job. They’re my voices, don’t worry about ’em. What’s a good time for me? I’ll tell ‘ya. My favorite robe, some yogurt, and an episode of trading spaces. Oh. Then I’m in heaven. [Cheering] Do you love Trading Spaces? I do– I would never be on that show, though. You wanna know why? ‘Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. [Laughter] They do not have my best interest at heart. ‘Cause it’s always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer comin’ in, going, “oh, my goodness, I love this place. This is what I’m thinking for your friend’s house. Circus tent. Big circus tent. [Laughter] Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?” “Oh, yeah, he’d love a circus tent.” [Laughter] “No, no, no, yeah. Why don’t you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt. That way, the ponies will feel at home.” “Great. We’re under budget.” Now I’m a lousy piece a ass, and I should know. I’ve been there almost every time. Well, but it’s not my fault. I never got a “birds and the bees” speech as a child. I remember the closest thing I ever got. One time my dad was cooking breakfast. He’s like, “son, you better listen up, ’cause I’m only gonna say this one time.” He was in the fugees. [Laughter] Thanks. “Sex is a lot like this egg.” I’m like, “egg? Dad, i think that’s drugs.” [Laughter] “Whatever, queer.” “Why is everyone saying that?” “Just listen, all right?” “First thing I do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then you gotta take her, crack over the head, and lay her out flat, all right? Come on, now. Wait till she starts sizzlin’ really good. Then you can flip her on over. There you go. Yeah. Oh. Don’t get too excited, or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.” [Laughter] What’s going on? Oh. Ooh, that’s a gross– no, it’s not. That’s a breakfast joke. That’s the most important joke of the day. Yeah, if you don’t laugh at that, you’re gonna get sleepy around 11:30. And you’ll be like, “why am I so tired?” Maybe not. I was dating this girl. She got a boob job, a breast enlargement. But she puts squeak toys in ’em. [Laughter] Yeah. And I’m like [Squeaking] ah! She was a clown, so it was a tax write-off. Ah, the floor is lava! [Sighs] I almost got burned there. Well, yeah, you don’t know what that is? Fine, I don’t care. That’s a game I used to play as a child, the floor is lava. It’s when you’d climb on all the furniture in your house, and you couldn’t touch the floor. Yeah, you might have called it something completely different, but it meant the same thing. You were poor. [Laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause I remember going, “mom, I would like a Nintendo.” And she’s like “the floor’s lava.” I’m like, “what the hell is wrong with our house?” “Why can’t we afford carpet?” It’s called two jobs, bitch. No. That’s how I used to talk. I was very street. All right, maybe not. I uh…I’m gonna be a horrible father. But I know this. And I don’t have any kids. So I think that’s pretty good. Trust me, I have a lot of friends like, “I’m gonna make a great dad.” Wow, because you’re a complete loser now. You know I’m not against responsibility. I’m actually looking into legally adopting a granddaughter. [Laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause being a grandpa is cool, and it’s really easy. It’ll be awesome. I’ll adopt some cute little 14-year old girl. And she’ll be like, “hey, dad, thanks for adopt– ” I’m like, “whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m your grandpa.” And she’ll be like, “oh. Well, see ‘ya at Christmas.” Couple years go by. She’s in college. Comes home with some of her friends. Be like, “hey, girls. Why don’t you come over here and sit on grandpa’s lap.” Then she’ll be like, “oh, grandpa.” Because you never report grandpa for being creepy. [Laughter] Life is what you make it. Have you heard that? Yeah. Do you live it? You don’t. I live it. I have a great life. My friends think it’s so much better than it really is. Why? Because i make it better. That’s right. You wanna know where I’m working next week? Hawaii. Yeah. I’m gonna be in Hawaii. All right, really, I’m gonna be in New Bern, North Carolina. Yeah. But in my mind– [laughter] I’m going to Hawaii. And you can do it, too. And it is a lot cheaper. [Laughter] Any time you’re going someplace that you don’t wanna go, just pretend you’re going to Hawaii. Pack a bunch of flowered shirts, jump off the plane, be like, “aloha, everybody. [Chuckles] Where’s my lei?” “You’re in trouble.” Order tropical drinks all week. When you get home, your friends’ll be like, “hey, we’ve never been to Hawaii. How was it?” And just be like, “eh– was all right.” I even took my girlfriend last week to Paris. The whole time she’s like, “this looks a lot like Birmingham, Alabama.” And I’m like, “shut up, Britney Spears.” And she’s like, “quit calling me Britney Spears.” And I’m like “no one talks to “the rock” like that, bitch.” [Laughter and applause] Yeah. [Cheering] Which is really funny, because i don’t have a girlfriend. [Laughter] That was just some lady on the bus. She did not smell what i was cooking. [Laughter] Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European. [Laughter] It’s not fun to fly, I’ll tell ‘ya. I have one of those cell phones with the ear-piece that hangs straight down. So when you talk, you look like you’re crazy. Everybody eavesdrops on your conversation. They don’t want to. They’re forced to because you project right onto the air. So when i get a phone call at the airport, I’ll admit it. I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. [Laughter] Gate 47 is completely clear. People notice in a hurry. “Honey, something’s going on. That guy has a wire hanging down. Maybe we shouldn’t be standing right– ” “stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!” “Honey, there is a sting going on here at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please let’s– “stand down, blue team! Don’t– hold on, the suspect’s approaching. He’s in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.” And i find some random businessman. I run, i just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping. “Thank you for making our airways safe.” And then i go get on my plane. And that guy’s just got a weird story to tell for the rest of his life. [Laughter] Yeah. He’s like “I’m never going back to Los Angeles again. I was at the airport a couple days ago, and this guy came outta nowhere. And he just beat me up.” [Laughter] “And everybody just clapped. [Laughter] What is wrong with those people?” I think boxers are the greatest athletes of all sports, for the simple fact that they don’t cry. That is mind blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh, my gosh, it hurts so bad. [Laughter] They have to go back to a corner where some little man yells at ’em. “Shut up, i just got punched in the face.” [Laughter] “Yeah, i know, dodge and punch more. It is a very simple concept.” If i was a boxer, you know who i would hire for my corner man? My mom. [Laughter] At least she could make me feel good on the inside. “I don’t wanna fight anymore.” “Who’s my big boy? [Laughter] You are. Yes, you– do you want me to call his parents? No? Okay, then dry those tears, pussy, that’s why dad left.” Cannibalism is a horrible scenario. I’m not gonna argue with you. But if you had to eat another human being to survive, do you think they taste like their ethnic background? [Laughter] Do you think Mexicans are spicy? [Laughter] Do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into one? You can start laughing now. I’m gonna do everybody in here. [Laughter] Chinese people, are you hungry 30 minutes later for more? [Laughter] Let’s go, everybody. Black people– taste like chicken. [Laughter] All’s fair, all’s fair. White people? All right, you don’t eat white people. I’m sorry, i don’t make the rules. [Laughter] Do you at least understand why i end the joke that way? Because it’s so funny to make a room full of white people uncomfortable. “Oh, see, we laughed at black people taste like chicken, ’cause we kinda thought you were gonna throw one in our direction. And now you pretty much hung us out to dry.” It’s just a joke. What if that joke is the reason i don’t get into heaven? Like i get up to heaven, find out God’s black. Yeah. He comes walking up to me. “Ah, that joke wasn’t funny, mother(Bleep). Lemme tell you sumpin’, that black people taste like chicken. White people taste like macaroni and cheese, bitch.” [Laughter and applause] All right. Calm down, crackers, this ain’t a rally. I don’t want anyone gettin’ the wrong idea. I know– that– i doubt God’s usin’ that kinda language. And that’s a very stereotypical voice i used for an African-American. I apologize. How many black comics have you heard in your lifetime go, “you know white people. Hi, Bob, how are you? Good, tom, thanks for askin’.” [Laughter] I don’t sound like that at all. That’s very offensive. I do that joke one night– and of course a white lady came running up to me after the show. She goes, “what gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that?” I’m like, “listen, lady. My best friend is Cuban, and that’s close enough.” [Laughter] Yeah. She was like, “oh, I’m sorry.” [Laughter] Does everybody hopefully their wjd bracelets on? Do you know what that is, everybody? ‘What would Jesus do?’ They’re not magical. They’re just a reminder to be a better person, to live a better life. It’s true. ‘Cause i was wearing my bracelet recently, and i was in the movie theater. This guy’s cell phone went off. Don’t you just hate that? Yeah. And I’m like, “woo.” And then he picked it up. “Hey, how’s it going? I’m in a movie.” And I’m like, “hey, get off the phone.” And he’s like, “mind your own business.” And i almost went crazy. But then i looked at my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So i lit him on fire and sent him to hell. [Laughter] Yeah, i did. [Cheers and applause] I’ll be honest, i felt a lot better afterwards. Those things work. Money doesn’t buy happiness. That phrase should end with, “just kidding.” [Laughter] Good. I’m not a good sport. I’ll admit it. I don’t enjoy watching other people succeed. That’s why all my best friends are in the seventh grade. [Laughter] You can do it, too. It’s great for your esteem. No matter what, they come– “oh, i got an a on my paper.” “Oh, i have a car.” [Laughter] I don’t like game shows. I don’t like watchin’ people win money. My biggest fear in my life’s my next door neighbor knocks on my door one day. [Knocks] “Hey, Daniel, get out here. I just won the lottery. I’m outta here for good.” “Hold on. Now have you told anybody yet?” “N– n– no, you’re the first one.” [Bang] [Laughter] Yeah, i don’t know if you can cremate someone in a gas fireplace, but I’ll find out. [Laughter] And these game shows giving away millions of dollars? Who wants to watch that? I’d like a game show with millionaires on it. And they have to play with their own money. Yeah, and they can’t win money, they can only lose, till one of ’em goes completely broke. And the show’s called, “ha, ha, now you’re poor.” [Laughter] I’d watch that show every day. What time is it? It’s “ha-ha now you’re poor” time. [Laughter] That’s the dance you do when it comes on, i guess. [Laughter] Now you know the worst television, mtv. I can’t st– music television. They call it that. They don’t even play music. How’s that legal? [Laughter] What if everybody did that? “Hey, thanks for callin’ New York pizza.” “Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.” “Oh, we don’t sell pizza.” “What?” “No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call the book store if you’re hungry.” They have a show on mtv that i can’t stand– “cribs.” You ever watch “cribs?” Yeah, that show should be called “wanna feel like a failure?” Little bowwow has an s series. That’s not right. [Laughter] Tell you what, though. If i ever get really famous, i promise you the greatest “cribs” episode of all time. Oh, you can trust me on this one. I’m gonna hire universal studios to come over to my house, build an extension of caves and corridors that go from my bedroom to the bathroom. That way, every night, when i wake up to go pee, the adventure begins. [Laughter] So i wake up, right? I’m like scared and nervous and i have to go. And the camera crew’s following me. And I’m like, “ooh.” And i hire Vin Diesel to hide and jump out and scare me and sword fight me. And he’s like “prepare to die.” And I’m like, “calm down, you over-actor. I’m paying you to lose.” And he’s like– and then i kill him. And there’s a princess tied up. And she’s like, “thank you. I’ve been here for so long.” I’m like, “no time for talkie, gotta tinkle. Let’s run.” We start going. The walls street closin’ in. Yeah, there’s doors going down, and rocks everywhere. And we have to go across an old rope bridge. But halfway across the rope bridge, the bottom one sets on fire and it snaps. And she falls, but i got her with one arm. Yeah, i can feel her slippin. But she’s looking up at me, going, “I’ll never stop loving you.” Close up on my eyes, and a close up on her eyes, and i close up on my eyes… Like– and then she falls. Like, “aaaah!” And I’m like, “whyyyyy? Whyyyy?” And i snap outta that. I gotta pee like a racehorse. Back up onto the rope. I get to the bathroom. I pull my pajamas down, ’cause i sit down and pee like a girl when I’m at my house. It’s my house, i feel more comfortable that way. Don’t judge me, the Bible says not to. But as soon as i sit down, a hologram of my dad pops up. And he’s like, “Daniel, this is your father. Make sure you look behind the shower curtain before you–.” Too late. A dragon comes from behind the shower curtain. Yeah…It’s gonna spray me with fire, but i rip the medicine cabinet off, right? Mirror ching-ching, kills the dragon. And then i got to the bathroom. I go back to bed. And no one even knows i added these extensions on to my house. It’s top secret. My maid comes runnin’ in. “Daniel, Daniel! What’s with all that ruckus?” And I’m like, “oh, Helga, it was nothing. Now get back to your quarters.” And she’s like, “hmmm.” Then i roll over and stare at the camera crew, and I go, “shhhh.” [Laughter] And then the camera goes back onto Vin Diesel’s body. Close up on his face. And then his eyes open. Well, did you get chills? Yeah. Let’s see p. Diddy top that crib. Thanks a lot, you guys. [Cheers and applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-bridges-story-so-far-live-glasgow-transcript/ | Kevin Bridges: The Story So Far… Live in Glasgow (2010) – Full Transcript | kevin bridges | ♪ I’m at the crossroads ♪
♪ Getting drowned in white lines ♪ ♪ A bad moon is rising ♪
♪ But now I’m doing time ♪ ♪ But I’ll just keep walking ♪
♪ And this devil I will find ♪ ♪ Got no home to go to ♪
♪ I can’t sleep at night ♪ ♪ Broken and falling ♪
♪ Falling, I’m broken ♪ ♪ Got whisky on my mind ♪
♪ Got whisky on my mind ♪ ♪ On my mind ♪ ♪ Broken and falling ♪
♪ Broken and falling ♪ ♪ I’m broken ♪ ♪ Got whisky on my mind ♪
♪ Got whisky on my mind ♪ ♪ On my mind ♪ ♪ My train is calling ♪
♪ My train is calling ♪ ♪ No woman I can find. ♪
♪ No woman I can find. ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges. Hello. Audience: Hello. How are we today in Glasgow? Friday night, it’s fucking payday. Here we go. It’s good to be here in the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre, here we are. The SECC, or as it’s known locally, “that fucking SECC”. “Three quid for a hotdog in that fucking SECC.” “See that queue at the bar in that fucking SECC.” Over in these big venues, you know, when people come out and they see their mates, and they’re on the phone going, “Where are you?” “We’re in D, we’re in D. Where are you at?” “I’m in K.” “D, E, F, G, H, I, J… K.” “Stand up. What are you wearing?” “Er, yellow T-shirt.” “Oh, aye, I can see you. I can see you. Wanker! Wanker!” It’s nice to be here. I’ve seen… I’ve seen Lady Gaga perform. Yeah, I’ve seen Lady Gaga in here. It’s easy… It’s easy to slag Lady Gaga, but the guy puts on a good show. I’ve seen him up here singing about his poker face. No, he’s a talented bloke, he is. So, did you see the entrance, did you see the intro, Tony Soprano, eh? I don’t even drive, man. See how smooth that was? I don’t even drive. It’d kind of ruin Tony Soprano’s image if he’d just whipped out a provisional driving license. You believe this fuckin’ cocksucker? You believe this fucking guy? So, it is good to be back. This is the last night of the tour. Good to be back in Glasgow. Good to come back in Glasgow because you can speak. You know, when you travel with a Scottish accent, it’s kind of hard. Nobody understands anything you’re saying, no. I’ve done a few TV shows. I’m a pretty fucking big deal, you know? I’m serious news. No, I’ve done a few TV shows. When you’ve got a Scottish accent on the telly, you need to try to enunciate and use proper English. But it’s hard to find the right balance, ’cause no matter how hard you try to enunciate and use proper English, there’s still somebody from Leamington Spa. “When we saw you on the television “I didn’t quite understand everything you were saying.” “I didn’t quite catch it. Some of it was a bit over my head. “Your accent is really quite strong. You’ve got a really thick Scotch accent. “Didn’t quite catch everything you said.” Whilst there’s somebody in Scotland saying, “We’ve seen you on the telly “talking like a fucking bender.” “Care to explain yourself?” And when you travel down south and you tell people you’re from Glasgow, they get quite excited. They go, “Glasgow, yeah, it’s really quite rough, isn’t it? “Really violent, yeah.” You kind of get proud, and you go, “Oh, aye. Oh, aye.” “You know, a lot of tough guys.” “Oh, aye, a lot of tough men, yeah.” Then they visit the place and they’re a bit disappointed. We’re trying to get away from the stereotypes. We’ve got a new promotional tourist campaign called “Glasgow: Scotland With Style”. Anybody seen the posters? It’s one of these kind of homogenised posters of people, supposed to be the new face of Glasgow. People with names like Nathan. You know, every major city advertises the happy people like Nathan, and it’s this guy who’s in the poster, “Nathan, sales assistant”. “Proud Glaswegian.” I don’t think a sales assistant called Nathan is a fair representation of any major city. I think major cities should play up to those stereotypes on the billboards advertising your city, show them real people, like wee Mental Davey. Apprentice joiner. Father of six. Davey’s there in the billboard with the six kids all tucked into the one tracksuit. A Lacoste tracksuit – only the best for these kids, they’re all dressed up for their granny’s 30th. You’ve got six kids, you’ve got Keanu, you’ve got Sigourney… Destiny. That’s a new one, Destiny. Imagine naming your daughter after the nightclub she was conceived in. “This is Destiny, and this is my son, The Garage.” That was a nice shock statistic about teenage pregnancy. Apparently one in three 15-year-olds in the UK admit to being sexually active. That was a shock tabloid headline. I don’t know where they get this kind of evidence, no. I don’t know who they ask to get these statistics. You know, if some youth worker approached you when you were 15 years old, in front of all your pals, and asked you if you were sexually active. You’d say, “Fucking right, mate.” “Who, Shagger?” Put me in for five, pal. If you ever get any sex education at school… Remember, word would spread, when you were 15, if you went to the health centre they give you out condoms. That was good, you went to the health centre and got your condoms. None of us were well sexed, but you got the condoms. Fill them up with water. They’d become water balloons. Using a condom in a water fight, the thinking man’s water fight. But you’d always have one of your friends who would take it a bit too far and introduce a Durex Extra Safe. A Durex Extra Safe in a water fight, you’ll fucking put somebody in a coma. A Durex Ribbed Extra Safe! You’ll need facial reconstruction. I’m getting to that age. I’m 23 years old. I’m 23. Not a lot of people believe that I’m 23. In the west of Scotland, this is what a young guy looks like in this day and age. I’m 23. I look like a darts prodigy, don’t I? Look at that. I’m 23, so I’m getting to that stage. Some of my friends, some of my cousins are having children. You’ll notice this: In a family gathering there’s a newborn baby getting passed around somebody’s living room like a joint. And everybody’s saying their piece. You know, some people who’ve just got this natural rapport when they speak to babies. They can just go, “Oh, look at you. Aw. Aw.” And the baby starts mumbling. “Are you telling me a wee story?” It’s getting closer and closer to me and I’m thinking, “Shit.” “I need to pretend that I give a fuck.” And it gets to me and I just kind of freeze. I’m going, “How are you doing, mate?” And the baby feels the tension, starts to cry. Everybody looks at me as if I’m in the wrong here. “Toughen up, you wee prick.” Dogs, as well. I feel uneasy in the presence of dogs. Not “dogs” in the traditional sense. I mean “dugs”, right. You know, you got a difference. In Scotland they call a dog a dug. We take that “o” and make it “u”. A dog, a dug. It’s a slang term, but it’s also a social implication, in that you get “dogs” and you get “dugs”. D’you know what I mean by that? You get, “Oh, look at that wee dog”, “Watch that fuckin’ dug.” You know, one of them big council-house terriers with a name like Sasha. Somebody brings it on a bus and it jumps on top of you on the bus and you shite yourself. And the owner’s going, “Don’t worry, she’s only playing with you. “Don’t worry, she’s just a big softy.” And the dog’s going, “You know that’s a lie. “This isn’t over.” I like animals. Just feel uneasy amongst dogs. I was watching a documentary about animal testing, about toiletries and cosmetic products that get tested on animals. And it was showing you these horror stories about animals that get badly burned and disfigured. It was pretty distressing shit, right. But I’m quite a positive guy. I’m watching this, thinking, “What about the happy stories about cosmetic tests? “What about the tests that were successful?” “What about the toiletries and beauty products that made it to the market?” I want to turn on the TV and see the two chimpanzees in a laboratory cage somewhere saying, “You’re smelling good, chico. ” “Is that Lynx Africa?” Bomp-chica-wha-wha! I’m 23, still live at home. Don’t know if any of the young guys at the front, any of you still live at home? Yeah! Young guys at the front, a guy up in block D said yes. Twenty-three, you live at home, you don’t need to pay rent and stuff like that, but you pay mental rent, don’t you? I’ve always had a good relationship with my parents. Especially my dad. You know, when you’re seven, eight, nine years old, as a young guy, traditionally, your dad is your hero, isn’t he? Your role model. He knows everything. You want to follow in the guy’s footsteps. You want to emulate the guy. Then you get to about 12 years old, you realise your dad’s an arsehole. It’s a perfectly natural stage in adolescence, discovering that your dad’s a bit of a knob. It’s just what happens. Normally happens on Christmas Day. And involves building something. I’d be sitting there working patiently away, using the instruction manual. My dad would come in. See, my dad is of the old school where the use of an instruction manual is viewed as an admission of homosexuality. “That can get to fuck.” “Where’s the claw hammer?” And once you’ve realised your dad’s an arsehole, you can kind of use it to your advantage. I realised my dad was an arsehole in 1998. Right. In 1998 you never had Sky Plus. Or Sky HD. It was just Sky. And you had, I’d say three options. You could get it via a satellite dish, via a cable, or you knew a guy that could get you a box. You know, one of them guys that can get you a hold of anything for 40 quid? He can get you a Nissan Micra, 40 quid. He can get you a set of golf clubs, 40 quid. An iPod nano, 40 quid. Fifty quid in cash, 40 quid. Everybody’s met a dodgy bastard, right? 40 quid. The satellite dish, that was like in a working-class option. Satellite dish. You want a satellite dish. You want your neighbours to know you’ve got Sky TV. If you’re paying £25 a month, you want your neighbours knowing that you’re better than them. Now, we had Sky through a satellite dish, 1998. You could be watching Sky TV… I don’t know if anybody remembers old-school Sky. You could be watching Sky TV in the living-room television, but you could also go upstairs to the bedroom TVs and watch Sky, but only what the person in the living room… only what they were watching. I don’t know the intrinsic technical explanation as to why that happened, but it just did. Saturday nights, me and my dad watching Match of the Day. And it gets to the kind of shite games. And I say, “Right, I think I’m going to go to bed, Dad. “Good night.” And he continues the charade, and he says, “Oh, you’re going to bed, Son? Oh, that’s fine. Good night.” And as that mutual father-and-son, we both know what the plan is here. Casually exit the living room, nice and slow. Don’t even stop off in the kitchen for a look in the fridge. Eyes on the prize, right up the stairs. Bedroom TV switched on, go to channel number 6. That’s when you see what he’s watching, number 6. TVs are synchronised, but he’s in control. A few minutes go by and he’s still watching Match of the Day. I’m thinking, “That’s fine, he must be giving it a couple of minutes. “You don’t want to make it too obvious. “Nice and smooth. He’s done this before. Nice and smooth.” Another few minutes go by, I’m thinking, “Come on, stick to the plan, Andy. “You’re better than this, come on.” Looking at the bottom right of the TV, waiting for the numbers to get typed in. The numbers that could make or break the evening’s entertainment. Waiting for the numbers. “Go on, play your numbers, give me your numbers.” Nine. That’s good. That’s good. He’s played a nine. Could not have hoped for a better start than a nine. Zero-five, the 10-minute freeview. Jackpot! “You’re a dirty bastard, Dad, but I love you.” Yeah, that was back in the day, back in the old days when the late-night TV was good. Remember Channel 5 would stick a porno on. You’d have programmes like Eurotrash on Channel 4. And that’s what kept young people off the streets. That should put an end to teenage antisocial behaviour… put soft-core porn back on terrestrial TV at the weekend. Thank you, sir. Remember you’d be there watching Channel 5, The Red Shoe Diaries, or Indecent Proposals, it gets to the good bit. You’re ripping the head off it, right? You get to the point of no return and they go to adverts. Quick, change that to Eurotrash. A midget poking a zebra’s arse with a shopping trolley. Oh, it’s by no means ideal, but it’s better than nothing. Remember finding a porn mag in a hedge? That’s a dying game, innit? Finding a porno in a bush. Remember you’d be playing football, the ball’d get kicked in the bushes. Somebody would go in to retrieve the ball, they would come out with no ball. Proudly parading in a wank book. Match abandoned. Finding a porno in a hedge. It’s those kind of coming-of-age moments that shape you as a person. I don’t know if I can reminisce about much at 23 years old, but I like to reminisce about the ’90s, the good old days. Back when it was just a PlayStation 2 and stuff like that. Remember your first taste of independence, when word had spread in your school that somebody’s mom and dad were going away for the weekend? And that the guy or the girl were having a party. They never knew they were having a party. Perhaps “having” is the wrong choice of word. They were “getting” a party. And I don’t mean the kind of high-school parties that you see in American movies. “Hey, hey, do you guys know Chad Hogan?” “Yeah, of course, man. Everybody knows Chad Hogan, man.” “Chad Hogan’s mom and dad are going away to Long Island for the weekend, man. “There’s a party at Chad Hogan’s mom and dad’s?” “Yeah.” “Whoo! Spring break! Yeah!” “Chad Hogan’s parties are awesome, man. Whoo!” Then it shows you Chad Hogan’s party. Chad Hogan’s booked a band for his living room. “Great party, Chad. Whoo! Yeah! “Let’s go get some dip and chip. Whoo!” Everybody’s nodding to the music with these plastic cups of beer. But nobody knows who brought them. They just go, “Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!” That’s not the kind of parties we had. We never had that kind of parties. We never had spring break, we had the Easter holidays. When I was growing up, it was called “an empty”. An empty. It derives from, ‘We’ve got an empty house.” “We’ve got an empty.” The house is empty. It’s an empty. I mean, you never had, “Spring break!” or Chad Hogan or bands at an empty. An empty was a far more tense affair. Somebody’s furious cousin would disrupt the ambience by announcing that he’d popped his 12 cans. “Drank two, gave one away, “but there’s only seven left.” “Turn that down! We’ve got a can thief. Fucking turn that down!” Somebody else in the corner just trying on people’s jackets. “Think this one suits me?” Not even asking, “Does it fit me?” “Does it suit me?” I mean, the guy’s a petty criminal, you need to look your best, don’t you? The same guy that’s leaving the house at the end of the night holding a microwave. “I think you’ll find I brought this with me.” “And I do not care for the accusation. “I mean, why would I steal a microwave?” A 35-year-old guy that nobody knew in the corner. Smoking dope and blowing into your Labrador’s face. An intelligent dog as well, and it’s sitting there frazzled. An empty. Good times in an empty. I seen a headline about a mental party. It was obviously a tragic event, but it was pretty funny. A headline that said, “Woman drugged, beaten, tied up, and left for dead “at neighbour’s party.” Surely that can no longer be referred to as a party. I have been in attendance at some pretty wild gaffs, but when a woman has been drugged, beaten, tied up… “I better get a taxi, huh?” That’s the cue to stop dishing out nibbles. Well, a lot of violent crime – that’s been in the news quite a lot. A lot of violent crime, knife crime, gun crime, stuff. I don’t know what the solution is. There’s calls for the tougher sentences. I think we need more consistent sentences. For example, the crime attempted murder, that carries a six or seven-year jail sentence, whereas murder carries a life sentence. Now, why should that be different? You still tried it. Attempted. You tried to kill somebody. You weren’t very good at it. That was by no means your forte. And I don’t think you should get a lesser sentence. In my opinion, you should get double the sentence for making an arse of it. And they get police officers to travel round schools to give talks to kids about knife crime. At the end of the talks, they give the kids a sticker that says “Dennis the Menace” or something. Something like, “Dennis the Menace says no to knives.” Now, I don’t mean to be cynical here, but if you wore a “Dennis the Menace says no to knives” sticker at school, there’s a good chance you’d get stabbed. I think a start would be to close the shops that sell violent weapons. You know you get these sports shops that sell crossbows to alcoholics, you know these places? And sport shops that sell 3,000 baseball bats every year but have never sold a baseball. “They’re the Easterhouse Red Sox. They’ve not had a game in a while, but we’re still… “We’re still selling them equipment. “They must have a pretty hectic pre-season schedule booked.” I was in one of these places, doing a bit of research, and the only security measure, if you wanted to buy something that could be construed as a violent weapon, is you need to fill in a form leaving your name and address so if anything happens, you can be easily traced for questioning. Now, that’s the theory. What self-respecting nutcase, buying a weapon with a view to committing a heinous felony, would leave their real name and address? I picture some police investigation team going through the book. They say, “Excuse me. Shop owner. “Says here you sold a samurai sword “to Bert and Ernie “from 24, Sesame Street.” And some new-guy cop, they’ve maybe sent him on a wild-goose chase somewhere, Sesame Street not showing up on the SatNav. Sliding down the window for directions, going, “Excuse me. Excuse me, mate. “Sorry. Excuse me, excuse me. Can you tell me… “how to get… “How to get to Sesame… That’s a fuckin’ wind-up, innit?” I used to watch a programme called Get Your Own Back. Big show in the ’90s. I’ll explain the premise of the show to the more mature audience members. It was hosted by a guy called Dave Benson Phillips. Big Dave, as you can see, a fanny magnet, right? Dave Benson Phillips. In the show they’d get these kids on who wanted to get their own back on a family member who had done something to annoy them. And it was always like, you know, they’d tell the story about what their family member had done. Then they’d bring on the family member and everybody would boo. It was normally a guy, and they’d boo. They’d go “Boo!” “How could you do that? Boo!” Then they would gunge the guy. Cover him in gunge and go, “Boo! Serves you right.” “That’s what you get. Gunged. Boo!” And that was that. Revenge. Revenge had been hard. Revenge. It was always really, really shite stories. Like, “I’m here to get my own back on my daddy. “‘Cause we were in the car and he farted. “And it was absolutely disgusting. “And he wouldn’t put down the window.” I used to watch this every day. Just one day somehow hoping for something a bit more hard-hitting. “I’m here to get my own back on my Uncle Ronnie “’cause he’s a paedo.” And everybody’s going, “Boo!” “Gunge that paedo.” “Gunge that beast.” When’s the last time you turned on the TV and seen a paedo-gunging? Everybody had a dodgy uncle or a dodgy teacher. We’d a maths teacher, a bit dodgy, bit of a pervert maths teacher. You know, you’d forget your calculator, he’d make you do the class in your vest and pants. Your favourite subject at school? PE. PE? Same here, man. I was always the fat guy that brought in a note. “Please excuse Kevin from volleyball. He’s fucked off to the chip van.” That’s what PE stood for, for me. “Please Excuse.” My favourite subject was woodwork. And as we know… Woodwork. Everybody’s woodwork teacher was a functioning alcoholic. We’d a woodwork teacher. His name was Mr Brundle. So we’d come in in the mornings and we’d shout, “Let’s get ready to Brundle.” And everybody else in the class was ready to Brundle except this guy. He was fucked. His Brundleing days were over. He’d just be sitting at his desk, about 25 minutes into the woodwork class, just sitting there, just going… And he’d face the class and just say, “Right, kids, I’ve had a tough, tough weekend.” “I’ve had a tough time this weekend. “I was supposed to go to IKEA, “but I spent a week’s wages in Oddbins. “So one of yous wee pricks make me a spice rack.” When you were 12, that was a lot of stress. Now, PE. We’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic. Do you know about PE? Not a lot of young people exercising. Do you exercise? – What’s your exercise of choice? Football. Football. Do you play for a team? Just five-a-side? Seven-a-side. Just the kind of guy, just go… I play five-a-sides. I’m the kind of guy, I just go for the shower. You know, they play five-a-side on Sunday, they just stay in goal for the whole game, then as soon as the game finishes, they start whipping people in the arse with a towel. Now, we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic. I don’t know if we’ve got any fat people in the room. Have we got any fat people in? I’m a little bit rotund myself. I don’t mean I’m fat. I give myself “chubby”. I’m not documentary fat. Never gonna turn on Channel 4 on a Tuesday night and see a guy like me, “Tonight, we meet the 14-stone man.” “That looks disgusting.” “Anybody watch that 14-stone man last night? Shocking. “Showed you this guy, he couldn’t even do 20 minutes on the treadmill. “It showed you the guy having his dinner. “He ate a gammon steak and oven chips, “and then he ate five Jaffa Cakes, and a Penguin.” “14 stone! “It’s on again next week. The guy’s shocking.” People always get flawed perceptions of their size. And it works in a few different ways. I’ll use women as an example here. You know you get girls who are skinny, but they think they’re a bit chubby? Girls who are chubby think they’re fat, fat girls think they’re obese, and then obese girls think they’re supermodels. They’re the happy people. They’re the ones hanging out of limousines on a Friday night going… The driver’s going, “Can you lean in, please? You’re gonna fucking… That’s right.” They’re the first ones on the karaoke. They’re the happy people. I tried exercising. I took up swimming. I tried to go swimming. I went to my local… Thank you. I went to my local pool. Don’t know if anybody here’s ever been to the local public pool. You don’t need to be a member in your local public pool. Anybody can go. And they mean that, they mean anybody can go. Anything. Anybody. Anything can go. Anybody can go. When I took up swimming, I tried to go to my local public pool. I work at night time, so I need to attend my local public pool daytime. Now, in a public swimming pool, on, for example, a Wednesday afternoon, it attracts a certain clientele. And I noticed this one day. I was in the public pool Wednesday afternoon, I had done my length. Then I stopped ’cause I was fucked. But I made it look cool. You know, when you put your elbows up on the tiles. And I was shocked. I looked around in my public pool, on this Wednesday afternoon, and I noticed in a public swimming pool on a Wednesday afternoon, there are three kinds of people. I’m going to be honest here. Three kinds, a bit of honesty here, three kinds of people in a public pool on a Wednesday afternoon. I seen toddlers, right. Toddlers. Paedophiles. And the mentally handicapped. Now, I felt self-conscious. It’s pretty obvious, I am not a toddler. There comes a point in life you need to start making decisions. You need to think fast. You need to start taking your swimming gear down inside a Farmfoods bag, to show you’re not a paedo, you’re just a bit mental. Try to cut a swimming cap out of a Farmfoods bag. ‘Cause everybody that carries a Farmfoods bag has got a screw loose. That is… I don’t mean mentally handicapped, just a bit mad, right. That is the universal sign for “Do not approach me.” The Farmfoods bag. I don’t mean people with three or four Farmfoods bags. They’ve just been shopping in Farmfoods. It’s that one single, solitary, slightly faded… “This is my Farmfoods bag. “There are many others like it, but this one is mine.” I’d seen a guy with an inside-out Farmfoods bag. That is a statement of intent, isn’t it? An inside-out Farmfoods bag. Like I said, we’ve got an obesity epidemic. Don’t know if the facilities… So we’ve got an obesity epi… You’ve got a bigger waist as well. And it means you need to shop in shitholes. You know, you walk in somewhere trendy like Topshop for a pair of jeans. Somewhere trendier than that, maybe. River Island. Walk into River Island and some… you know the sales assistants that work in these places… some indie-band freak show, they come bouncing across to serve you. “Hey, man! Yeah! Whoo!” Telling you to “chill-ax”. “Why don’t you just chill-ax, man?” Anybody ever told you to chill-ax? They’ve took the word “chill” and the word “relax” and combined them to make ironically the most infuriating word there’s ever been. Well, they come bouncing over. They’ve got that kind of energy and enthusiasm that oozes from people who have never been punched in the face. But you require this guy’s assistance. You’re in Topshop, they sell jeans. You’re in Topshop, you need jeans. So I had to say, “Excuse me, mate. Can I try on these jeans, please, “in a 36-inch waist.” And his enthusiasm… “Is that you? Good to see you again. Hey, 36-inch…” Try a 38. Try a 38? Fuck you, man. I asked the guy to try the jeans on in a 38-inch waist. Good call, all right? Shut it! 38-inch waist. Regardless, 36, 38-inch waist. You say to the guy, “Can I try these jeans on in a 40-inch waist?” Thirty-eight-inch waist. And the guy, his enthusiasm just drains. And he looks at you, appalled. You know, that way you would look at somebody if they just took a shite in your kettle. Imagine if somebody took a shite in your kettle – you’d be furious, wouldn’t you? That’s a social faux pas. “Did you shite in the kettle?” “I don’t come to your house and shite in your kettle. “You’ve changed, man.” Shiteing in kettles. So I started shopping in proper shithole clothes shops. You don’t get judged in a proper shithole clothes shop. I was in a place called Dunnes Stores. It’s the hot new up-and-coming shithole clothes shop on the scene. Somewhere between Primark and shoplifting. Now, I’ve got a theory about clothes shops. I find in a clothes shop, the cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer. Anybody ever done that thing, you’d be in a shop and you confuse another shopper for being a member of the staff, right? You go to ask them a question, and they go, “I don’t actually… “I don’t actually work here.” And you go, “I thought you worked here.” And you both share a chuckle and move on. It’s finished. However, in Dunnes Stores, it’s no laughing matter. The cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer, right. Tensions run through the roof in these kind of places. I was in this dump when a guy said to me, said, “Excuse me. Excuse me. “Excuse me, buddy! “How much? “How much are these?” And I said… “I don’t actually work here, buddy.” And he said, “That’s not what I fucking asked you.” Dunnes Stores. That was my first ever, my first ever job. Part-time job. I used to work in TK Maxx. TK Maxx. Thank you. TK Maxx. I was in charge of the changing rooms. That was my job. I was the guy that would count your items, then give you a number. So, if you trying on three items, I gave you number three. And if you were trying on four items, I gave you a number four. But we only had numbers one to six. And this one time a woman was trying on seven items. And everybody was fucking freaking out. I said, “Calm ourselves”, you know. “Let’s just calm ourselves.” “Give me the six. Give me the one.” Problem solved. Unemployment. That was my first ever job. I remember being unemployed. I used to study… I used to study psychology for three weeks. That was my thing. Psychology. Three weeks studying psychology. Get a bit freaked out. Sigmund Freud, he was a sex pest. He’d a theory that young guys have sexual feelings towards their own mothers. I remember reading this and thinking the guy has obviously never seen my mother. A lovely woman, but he wouldn’t ride her into battle. I’ve been unemployed. I feel sorry for anybody unemployed… it’s a pretty tough time to go through in your life. I remember being in the job centre. I think job centres should be renamed The Shite Job Centre. You never walk by a job centre and see in the window, “Forensic detective required.” “Barrister required.” It’s always, “Customer Service Advisor’s Assistant required.” “Could you make the tea for the guy who makes the coffee?” I remember being in the job centre. Everything is: “Must have experience, must have qualifications”. I’m just a dickhead, never had much of that. Last option, just left school, you can join the army. And you’ve got the British Army recruitment desk. You’ve got the two guys there, Robson and Jerome. With the berets on. The guy’s going, “Come here, son. Be the best. Come on.” “D’you want to get shot? We’ll get you shot. Come on.” I’m thinking, “Me, join the army? “T-Mobile just said I don’t have enough qualification to sell phones. “Microsoft just said I don’t have enough experience to answer phones. “And you want to give me a machine gun?” The war on terror. That was supposed to be Obama’s thing – he was gonna end that. Obama. They get quite excited… Have we got any Americans in the room? Hell, yeah. Just one guy doing a shite accent. They don’t normally come to Glasgow, the Americans. They visit Edinburgh when they come. Have we got any Edinburghers here? Big boo for Edinburghers. I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way, but I’ve never really heard the term “Edinburghers”. You know when you hear a conversation, and I don’t mean this in a disparaging way, you hear a conversation in Scotland, there’s an Invernesian, an Aberdonian, a Dundonian, a Glaswegian, and a cunt from Edinburgh. It’s true. You never hear “Edinburghers”. It’s “cunt from Edinburgh”, that’s what they’re called. Good to see we’ve got a few cunts from Edinburgh made it through. Now, I love the Americans in Edinburgh. I love them. They’re enthusiastic. You know, up at Edinburgh Castle, the Americans thinking it’s a high school. ‘Cause they hear gunshots every lunchtime. I’ve been travelling on this tour. We were in Belfast. Belfast, for a couple of nights. I like Belfast. It’s got a kind of vibrant atmosphere. There’s a good chance things could go off at any minute in Belfast. What I mean by vibrant, I was walking through Botanic Avenue in Belfast, there’s a coffee shop called Clements. In their window it says, “Clements. We’re religious about coffee.” Which I thought was a slightly ambiguous mission statement for the city centre of Belfast. “A cappuccino, you feinian bastard.” I was at a Christian rock festival. Never meant to be there. Christian rock fest. I was just passing through the Christian celebration festival, there was a stall set up that said, “A free toastie “for all of God’s children.” A free toastie. So I thought, “Sha’mon!” I said, “Good afternoon. Good afternoon, sir, may I have a toastie?” And the guy said, “Are you a Christian?” And I thought, “Well, if I’m not a Christian, am I not getting a toastie?” “That’s very un-Christian.” And the guy crumbled under the weight of my argument. And he said, “Okay, you can have cheese or cheese and ham.” And I said, “Oh, just cheese, mate. “‘Cause I’m a Jew.” That’s how you get a free toastie off the Lord people. You know the big debate between religion and science? You know, atheism’s becoming quite cool in 2010. The big debate between religion and science. I would always take religion, purely on a basic level. Remember at school, you know, science was quite difficult. Right? You had to read stuff and remember stuff, right? Whereas religious was a skive. Just some guilt-ridden middle-aged women reading passages from the Bible to a class full of hyperactive adolescents that’s pissing themselves laughing at something that’s been drawn on the blackboard. I mean, that was a skive. I’d like to believe in something. I mean, you don’t just live and then die and that’s it, finish. I’d like to believe there’s something bigger than this. Know what I mean? It’s hard. You think, where’s the evidence? If there’s a God, why is there so much evil? And why is there famine, corruption and greed, stuff like that? Maybe you need to make up your own theories, right? I’ve combined a bit of religion, a bit of atheism and came to my own conclusions. Maybe God created the world, but then he fucked off. He’s God, he’s gonna have more than one property, ain’t he? Maybe we’ve got the place to ourselves. We’ve got an empty. This is the world. And like all good empties, it’s got a bit out of hand. That’s why you’ve get terrorism, corruption, greed. Maybe God will come back one day and go, “Look at the fucking state of this place.” “Everybody get out.” With your world leaders and corrupt bankers, people shuffling at the door going, “Sorry, we never thought you were coming back, mate. Sorry about the mess.” The Pope, certainly now the Pope knows he’s getting grounded. “I’ll speak to you in a minute, Pope.” No, live and let live. Believe what you want to believe, unless you’re a dick, that’s my motto. Did election fever grab you? Anybody vote in election? Anybody get interested in our big election this year? I watched the three leadership debates and I thought, “Wow! “I’m definitely going to draw a cock and balls on the ballot paper.” It was quite good when Gordon Brown got caught on the microphone. You know, they said he just got unlucky ’cause a microphone just died as… It just managed to catch him saying what he said. I think he got pretty lucky. If the microphone had stayed on we’d have heard what he really thought. “Oh, just some bigoted old woman, you know. “Whose idea was that? Was that Sue’s idea? “Absolute disaster. Just a bigoted old… “What she needed was a good fucking ride, that’s what she needs.” “Eastern European immigrants. Just a good cock, that’s what she needs.” You need Eastern European immigrants. I was in a party with Polish people. There was one Polish guy, I was speaking to him, right, the Polish guy never spoke any English, and I don’t speak much Polish. So it became apparent that a conversation would present some significant linguistical challenges. And I remembered I done some French when I was younger. French – find the common denominator with the Polish guy. So I said, eh, “Parlez-vous français?” And the Polish guy says, “Oui. ” I’m going, “Cool.” See, “parlez-vous français” is kind of all I’ve got in the tank. But the Polish guy now thinks I speak French, so… He’s going: “Oui. ” Next day, “Who told that Polish guy he could take a shite in the kettle?” You need a bit of immigration in the world. No, you need a few. I feel sorry for asylum seekers. Their applications get expelled, they get accused of lying. Lying about being in danger. I think if somebody’s prepared to travel thousands of miles in the back of a lorry, starving themselves for weeks, risking their lives at the border controls, just to get a council flat in Sighthill, something’s frightening the shite out of them. You know the BNP, this year they got forced to allow non-white people to join the BNP. I thought that was pretty cool. I’d encourage people from every ethnic group to join the BNP. Ruin their party. I’d love to live in a country where the white supremacists are black. “I’m supposed to be racist. Who’s this guy? How is he in my team?” We had a bit of racial animosity in this city, in Glasgow, when we got our terrorist attack. Remember that? Glasgow airport, we got our own little terrorist attack. Pretty proud of that. Kind of put us on the map. Islamic fundamentalists attacked New York, Madrid, London and then Glasgow. We were fucking flattered. My dad had a tear in his eye. “It’s a proud day, son.” I saw it on the telly. “Well, I’ve been there.” “I’ve parked there!” And everybody had a laugh, but terrorism does have a negative side. It did create a kind of racial divide. I witnessed this firsthand on a train, going down south on this train. Just me sitting here and a middle-aged guy sitting just along a bit. Now, a couple of stops later, a women of Asian appearance boarded the train and sat beside the middle-aged guy, who immediately stood up and walked away. You ever seen that film Snakes on a Plane? This was jakes on a train, right? That’s funny. Walked away… The middle-aged guy stood up and just walked away and sat beside me. He started to nudge me. You know that way a scumbag presumes you’re also gonna be a scumbag? Nudging me, and he’s pointing, and he said, “I don’t fancy sitting beside her, pal. “No chance. She’ll be one of their suicide bombers. “I’m taking no chances.” I thought, “I can see your logic here, mate, “you thought she might be a suicide bomber. “So you’ve came and sat four seats away?” Seriously underestimating the power of Semtex. “Think she’s got a stink bomb?” “This is the jihad for Allah!” “Oh, it’s fucking bowfin here!” “Open that window. Smelly Taliban bastards. Oh…” That is disgusting. Somebody got a can of Febreze? There’s been a terrorist attack. That is absolutely minging. And you’re stuck with the guy the whole way. Going down south, going to London. The guy said, “You going to London?” And I said, “I’m going to London.” And he said, “I don’t like London.” Guys like me and you, mate, we are the foreigners in London. They’re coming over here, mate, and they’re speaking Punjabi. I loved the way the guy said “Punjabi”. It was pretty funny. “They’re speaking Punjabi.” “And wearing these burkas, mate. This is our country. If they want to come into our country, “they should at least be adapting to our culture.” And I’m looking at this guy, thinking, “I bet when he goes abroad, “he really blends in.” Walking about Lanzarote looking for a Greggs. “You don’t understand my accent? A Daily Record, you dick!” The summertime’s approaching. Holiday time’s coming up. Anybody going on holiday? Oh, yeah! I’ve been on a few different types of holidays. I went on holiday when I was younger, like seven years old, there was a big age gap between me and my brother. So I had to go at seven years old, with just me, my mum and dad, and I’d be bored on the first day. My mum would say, “Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I’ll find you a wee pal. “Don’t worry, we’ll find you a wee friend. We’ll find you somebody to play with.” You get introduced to some little stray. He would come with a disclaimer. “Kevin, this is Brandon. Brandon, he doesn’t like the pool.” And I’d say, “Hi, Brandon.” He’d say, “Hi, Kev.” Brandon doesn’t like the sunshine. Brandon doesn’t play football. Brilliant! Two weeks in Majorca, sitting in the shade playing Connect Four with an albino. Now, you go on holiday, lying around the pool, relaxing during the day, and here comes this guy with a T-shirt on and a whistle, who’s the leader of the kids’ club. This prick. Leader of the kids’ club. Blowing his whistle, trying to get the kids into the shallow end for a game of water polo. You’ve got all these wee, inbred, mutant bastards screaming and splashing. “Good morning!” It’s that accent again: “Mummy, Daddy just farted!” “Mummy, can I have an ice cream?” Then there’s the Scottish kids, they’re just kind of floating. They’re still fucked from the night before. “Water polo, mate? Maybe some other time, eh?” “We’re not long in, mate. We just got in, man, honestly.” “I was doing two-for-ones in that sports café last night.” “I’ve got a throat like a junkie’s carpet, man.” “Mummy, can I have an ice cream?” “Oh, Dad?” “Oh, Dad?” “Oh, Dad?” “Oh, Brian?” “Give me another one of your fags.” “Give us a fag.” Beside you is the Scottish boy’s mum and dad. I say “dad” – Brian, I don’t know, the guy that took the hit. She’s saying, “That’s embarrassing. That is absolutely cringe-worthy. “He’s only 12 and he’s asking me for a fag.” “He’s asking me and you for a fag. He’s only 12. You better speak to him.” Your mum’s worried about looking cringe-worthy… she’s sitting there with “Lidl” and “Aldi” tattooed… “You better speak to him.” The dad goes… Brian goes, “Don’t worry, hen, I’ll speak to him.” “Ho! You fucking get your own fags, you wee dick.” They’re only a quid a packet. Then you get a bit older, and you go on a holiday with your mates, as I’m sure a few of you are doing, a few young people. And then go on your first holiday with your mates, that’s when you see proper carnage. You go on holiday with your mates, you confuse having a laugh and being a major health-and-safety hazard. You see groups of guys walking about the airport. – “Anything to declare?” – “Aye, he’s a gay boy.” “You said, ‘Anything to declare?’ and I said ‘He’s a gay boy.’ “On us holidays. Gonna be mental, us holidays.” The carnage starts before you even leave your own country. And on the plane, about to leave, that’s when you see chaos. On a plane, you know, guys just swinging their T-shirts round their head on the plane. There’s always one guy, delayed, he’s getting the final call, back in the departure lounge, final, final call, final call. The whole plane is delayed, seatbelts fastened, waiting to go, waiting on this guy. He finally emerges. Front of the plane, this sombrero emerges. And rather than apologise for the inconvenience and the delay that he’s caused everybody on the plane, he just kind of scopes the cabin to find the rest of his pals. And shouts… “Here we go!” And the whole plane’s thinking, “No chance.” “This plane better crash.” Guy’s swinging his T-shirt round his head, singing. It’s the kind of flight that you want to see a hijacker on, on that plane. You won’t see an al-Qaeda suicide-bomb attempt on that plane, Glasgow to Palma. I don’t mean that in a self-congratulatory way. I think the hijackers would have the manpower, the willpower, determination, and the belief. The only stumbling block would be getting a word in. On that flight, Glasgow to Palma. You’ve spent the last 15 years of your life in Taliban training camps on the flight simulator, ready to die for a cause you believe in, ready to give your life for 72 virgins. For Allah, for the jihad. You’re on that plane. You try to stay focused – must be pretty intense. The place you need to go to inside your mind to commit such an atrocity. You try to concentrate whilst an inflatable crocodile gets smacked up the back of your head. “Gonna pass that back up, mate? Cheers.” But the show must go on. The kamikaze headband goes on. You’re in the aisle, shouting, “Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!” Nobody bats an eyelid. People singing and banging the windows. “Allah Akbar!” People having drunken conversations, just… “Are We Humans or Are We Dancers? “That song really spoke to me. Uh. “‘Cause obviously I’m human, but I like to dance. “Is there an option for a guy like me in this?” “He’s hijacking the plane? I’ll bust him. Where is he?” I’ll put the fag out in a minute, mate. I’m dealing with a potential terror threat here.” “Fucking jobsworth.” The guy’s still shouting, “Allah Akbar!” “Sit on your arse, I’m trying to see the telly.” “You just do wee cans? Pringles, Pringles? “Pringles?” And eventually, Eventually telling the guy to sit on his arse, cuddle the guy, a beautiful moment for world peace, not just sitting there, but saying “Are you killing yourself for 72 virgins, mate? “We’re going to Magaluf, man.” I love it. Ladies and gentlemen at Glasgow, it’s been a pleasure talking to you. Thanks a lot for coming up. Goodnight, God bless. See you soon. Where are you going? That was just a wee shite bit. Then you come back on. Away to catch the bus, away to catch the garage. So I’m back. What was that? Say again? I don’t have a clue what that guy’s saying now. I genuinely don’t know what you’re saying, mate. I’d love to hear what you’re saying, it sounds pretty coherent and stuff like that. And you’re gonna translate for the guy, an even drunker guy? No, what he said was… So… I love you! I love you as well, baby. I love you. Turned into a bit of a Michael Buble concert there. So, we’re making a DVD this evening, so you’ve been part of the audience. Thanks a lot for that. A DVD that’s probably already on sale in the barrows. Give you five DVDs for forty quid. There you go. You’re a real bastard! I just heard “bastard” there. I’m not even gonna… I’m not gonna ask what preceded the word “bastard”. It sounded pretty positive, to be fair. Just ended pretty severe. Bastard. Bus stop! “Tell us the bus-stop joke.” Just there. Think I’m jukebox? Put a wee quid in… I’ve got three jokes. There’s a pound. Presto! I done that joke, the bus-stop joke, that was my first ever joke on mainstream TV. I done that joke, and about three weeks… About three weeks after the show broadcast, I was at a bus stop, right? And a guy across the street shouted, “Fat boy!” “Give me a quid, or you’re getting stabbed.” And I just started laughing. The other three or four people at the bus stop, they never knew what was going on, right? They just heard this and see me laughing, and they thought that guy must be hard as nails. I’m a bus guy. Still take public transport, I’m a bus guy. I’m a bus… I take one of their… Every area’s got a rough bus. You know, one of the kind of Glasgow safaris that you get. The number 40 bus. It runs from Clydebank to Easterhouse… via Drumchapel. As if they went, “Clydebank to Easterhouse. I’m not sure that’s mental enough. “No…” “We better stick this through Drumchapel.” On my bus, I’ve seen three generations of the one family get on for a half fair. So, how did they enjoy the SECC? First time here, first time in the SECC? Aye. Nobody ever… Nobody talks about the show. After the SECC, they always talk about the prices, don’t they? “Guess how much?” “Guess how much we paid for three drinks? Have a guess, guess how much? “For three drinks.” The key is to aim high and kill the conversation stone dead. “50 quid.” “We thought it was quite expensive, but it sounds as if we got a bargain.” So, we’ll finish up on a joke. Has anybody ever what? Has anybody ever shat in my kettle? Since we last did the show it’s happened on several occasions. We’ll finish up… I don’t know… How am I gonna hear what you’re saying? Does that make sense to even you guys in the audience there? Just a gun noise… A-E-I, make a sentence out of that one, dick. So, we’ll finish up. Obviously the DVD is about six months away, so we need to predict the future, or it’s gonna look pretty weird. You could watch on a DVD and wonder, “How come he never mentioned the fact that North Korea blew the world up?” or something like that. So what about England winning the World Cup, eh? What about England getting fucked? We’ll wait and see what one makes the edit. Ladies and gentlemen, goodnight, have a great journey home, God bless. Thank you. | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges. Hello. Audience: Hello. How are we today in Glasgow? Friday night, it’s fucking payday. Here we go. It’s good to be here in the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre, here we are. The SECC, or as it’s known locally, “that fucking SECC”. “Three quid for a hotdog in that fucking SECC.” “See that queue at the bar in that fucking SECC.” Over in these big venues, you know, when people come out and they see their mates, and they’re on the phone going, “Where are you?” “We’re in D, we’re in D. Where are you at?” “I’m in K.” “D, E, F, G, H, I, J… K.” “Stand up. What are you wearing?” “Er, yellow T-shirt.” “Oh, aye, I can see you. I can see you. Wanker! Wanker!” It’s nice to be here. I’ve seen… I’ve seen Lady Gaga perform. Yeah, I’ve seen Lady Gaga in here. It’s easy… It’s easy to slag Lady Gaga, but the guy puts on a good show. I’ve seen him up here singing about his poker face. No, he’s a talented bloke, he is. So, did you see the entrance, did you see the intro, Tony Soprano, eh? I don’t even drive, man. See how smooth that was? I don’t even drive. It’d kind of ruin Tony Soprano’s image if he’d just whipped out a provisional driving license. You believe this fuckin’ cocksucker? You believe this fucking guy? So, it is good to be back. This is the last night of the tour. Good to be back in Glasgow. Good to come back in Glasgow because you can speak. You know, when you travel with a Scottish accent, it’s kind of hard. Nobody understands anything you’re saying, no. I’ve done a few TV shows. I’m a pretty fucking big deal, you know? I’m serious news. No, I’ve done a few TV shows. When you’ve got a Scottish accent on the telly, you need to try to enunciate and use proper English. But it’s hard to find the right balance, ’cause no matter how hard you try to enunciate and use proper English, there’s still somebody from Leamington Spa. “When we saw you on the television “I didn’t quite understand everything you were saying.” “I didn’t quite catch it. Some of it was a bit over my head. “Your accent is really quite strong. You’ve got a really thick Scotch accent. “Didn’t quite catch everything you said.” Whilst there’s somebody in Scotland saying, “We’ve seen you on the telly “talking like a fucking bender.” “Care to explain yourself?” And when you travel down south and you tell people you’re from Glasgow, they get quite excited. They go, “Glasgow, yeah, it’s really quite rough, isn’t it? “Really violent, yeah.” You kind of get proud, and you go, “Oh, aye. Oh, aye.” “You know, a lot of tough guys.” “Oh, aye, a lot of tough men, yeah.” Then they visit the place and they’re a bit disappointed. We’re trying to get away from the stereotypes. We’ve got a new promotional tourist campaign called “Glasgow: Scotland With Style”. Anybody seen the posters? It’s one of these kind of homogenised posters of people, supposed to be the new face of Glasgow. People with names like Nathan. You know, every major city advertises the happy people like Nathan, and it’s this guy who’s in the poster, “Nathan, sales assistant”. “Proud Glaswegian.” I don’t think a sales assistant called Nathan is a fair representation of any major city. I think major cities should play up to those stereotypes on the billboards advertising your city, show them real people, like wee Mental Davey. Apprentice joiner. Father of six. Davey’s there in the billboard with the six kids all tucked into the one tracksuit. A Lacoste tracksuit – only the best for these kids, they’re all dressed up for their granny’s 30th. You’ve got six kids, you’ve got Keanu, you’ve got Sigourney… Destiny. That’s a new one, Destiny. Imagine naming your daughter after the nightclub she was conceived in. “This is Destiny, and this is my son, The Garage.” That was a nice shock statistic about teenage pregnancy. Apparently one in three 15-year-olds in the UK admit to being sexually active. That was a shock tabloid headline. I don’t know where they get this kind of evidence, no. I don’t know who they ask to get these statistics. You know, if some youth worker approached you when you were 15 years old, in front of all your pals, and asked you if you were sexually active. You’d say, “Fucking right, mate.” “Who, Shagger?” Put me in for five, pal. If you ever get any sex education at school… Remember, word would spread, when you were 15, if you went to the health centre they give you out condoms. That was good, you went to the health centre and got your condoms. None of us were well sexed, but you got the condoms. Fill them up with water. They’d become water balloons. Using a condom in a water fight, the thinking man’s water fight. But you’d always have one of your friends who would take it a bit too far and introduce a Durex Extra Safe. A Durex Extra Safe in a water fight, you’ll fucking put somebody in a coma. A Durex Ribbed Extra Safe! You’ll need facial reconstruction. I’m getting to that age. I’m 23 years old. I’m 23. Not a lot of people believe that I’m 23. In the west of Scotland, this is what a young guy looks like in this day and age. I’m 23. I look like a darts prodigy, don’t I? Look at that. I’m 23, so I’m getting to that stage. Some of my friends, some of my cousins are having children. You’ll notice this: In a family gathering there’s a newborn baby getting passed around somebody’s living room like a joint. And everybody’s saying their piece. You know, some people who’ve just got this natural rapport when they speak to babies. They can just go, “Oh, look at you. Aw. Aw.” And the baby starts mumbling. “Are you telling me a wee story?” It’s getting closer and closer to me and I’m thinking, “Shit.” “I need to pretend that I give a fuck.” And it gets to me and I just kind of freeze. I’m going, “How are you doing, mate?” And the baby feels the tension, starts to cry. Everybody looks at me as if I’m in the wrong here. “Toughen up, you wee prick.” Dogs, as well. I feel uneasy in the presence of dogs. Not “dogs” in the traditional sense. I mean “dugs”, right. You know, you got a difference. In Scotland they call a dog a dug. We take that “o” and make it “u”. A dog, a dug. It’s a slang term, but it’s also a social implication, in that you get “dogs” and you get “dugs”. D’you know what I mean by that? You get, “Oh, look at that wee dog”, “Watch that fuckin’ dug.” You know, one of them big council-house terriers with a name like Sasha. Somebody brings it on a bus and it jumps on top of you on the bus and you shite yourself. And the owner’s going, “Don’t worry, she’s only playing with you. “Don’t worry, she’s just a big softy.” And the dog’s going, “You know that’s a lie. “This isn’t over.” I like animals. Just feel uneasy amongst dogs. I was watching a documentary about animal testing, about toiletries and cosmetic products that get tested on animals. And it was showing you these horror stories about animals that get badly burned and disfigured. It was pretty distressing shit, right. But I’m quite a positive guy. I’m watching this, thinking, “What about the happy stories about cosmetic tests? “What about the tests that were successful?” “What about the toiletries and beauty products that made it to the market?” I want to turn on the TV and see the two chimpanzees in a laboratory cage somewhere saying, “You’re smelling good, chico. ” “Is that Lynx Africa?” Bomp-chica-wha-wha! I’m 23, still live at home. Don’t know if any of the young guys at the front, any of you still live at home? Yeah! Young guys at the front, a guy up in block D said yes. Twenty-three, you live at home, you don’t need to pay rent and stuff like that, but you pay mental rent, don’t you? I’ve always had a good relationship with my parents. Especially my dad. You know, when you’re seven, eight, nine years old, as a young guy, traditionally, your dad is your hero, isn’t he? Your role model. He knows everything. You want to follow in the guy’s footsteps. You want to emulate the guy. Then you get to about 12 years old, you realise your dad’s an arsehole. It’s a perfectly natural stage in adolescence, discovering that your dad’s a bit of a knob. It’s just what happens. Normally happens on Christmas Day. And involves building something. I’d be sitting there working patiently away, using the instruction manual. My dad would come in. See, my dad is of the old school where the use of an instruction manual is viewed as an admission of homosexuality. “That can get to fuck.” “Where’s the claw hammer?” And once you’ve realised your dad’s an arsehole, you can kind of use it to your advantage. I realised my dad was an arsehole in 1998. Right. In 1998 you never had Sky Plus. Or Sky HD. It was just Sky. And you had, I’d say three options. You could get it via a satellite dish, via a cable, or you knew a guy that could get you a box. You know, one of them guys that can get you a hold of anything for 40 quid? He can get you a Nissan Micra, 40 quid. He can get you a set of golf clubs, 40 quid. An iPod nano, 40 quid. Fifty quid in cash, 40 quid. Everybody’s met a dodgy bastard, right? 40 quid. The satellite dish, that was like in a working-class option. Satellite dish. You want a satellite dish. You want your neighbours to know you’ve got Sky TV. If you’re paying £25 a month, you want your neighbours knowing that you’re better than them. Now, we had Sky through a satellite dish, 1998. You could be watching Sky TV… I don’t know if anybody remembers old-school Sky. You could be watching Sky TV in the living-room television, but you could also go upstairs to the bedroom TVs and watch Sky, but only what the person in the living room… only what they were watching. I don’t know the intrinsic technical explanation as to why that happened, but it just did. Saturday nights, me and my dad watching Match of the Day. And it gets to the kind of shite games. And I say, “Right, I think I’m going to go to bed, Dad. “Good night.” And he continues the charade, and he says, “Oh, you’re going to bed, Son? Oh, that’s fine. Good night.” And as that mutual father-and-son, we both know what the plan is here. Casually exit the living room, nice and slow. Don’t even stop off in the kitchen for a look in the fridge. Eyes on the prize, right up the stairs. Bedroom TV switched on, go to channel number 6. That’s when you see what he’s watching, number 6. TVs are synchronised, but he’s in control. A few minutes go by and he’s still watching Match of the Day. I’m thinking, “That’s fine, he must be giving it a couple of minutes. “You don’t want to make it too obvious. “Nice and smooth. He’s done this before. Nice and smooth.” Another few minutes go by, I’m thinking, “Come on, stick to the plan, Andy. “You’re better than this, come on.” Looking at the bottom right of the TV, waiting for the numbers to get typed in. The numbers that could make or break the evening’s entertainment. Waiting for the numbers. “Go on, play your numbers, give me your numbers.” Nine. That’s good. That’s good. He’s played a nine. Could not have hoped for a better start than a nine. Zero-five, the 10-minute freeview. Jackpot! “You’re a dirty bastard, Dad, but I love you.” Yeah, that was back in the day, back in the old days when the late-night TV was good. Remember Channel 5 would stick a porno on. You’d have programmes like Eurotrash on Channel 4. And that’s what kept young people off the streets. That should put an end to teenage antisocial behaviour… put soft-core porn back on terrestrial TV at the weekend. Thank you, sir. Remember you’d be there watching Channel 5, The Red Shoe Diaries, or Indecent Proposals, it gets to the good bit. You’re ripping the head off it, right? You get to the point of no return and they go to adverts. Quick, change that to Eurotrash. A midget poking a zebra’s arse with a shopping trolley. Oh, it’s by no means ideal, but it’s better than nothing. Remember finding a porn mag in a hedge? That’s a dying game, innit? Finding a porno in a bush. Remember you’d be playing football, the ball’d get kicked in the bushes. Somebody would go in to retrieve the ball, they would come out with no ball. Proudly parading in a wank book. Match abandoned. Finding a porno in a hedge. It’s those kind of coming-of-age moments that shape you as a person. I don’t know if I can reminisce about much at 23 years old, but I like to reminisce about the ’90s, the good old days. Back when it was just a PlayStation 2 and stuff like that. Remember your first taste of independence, when word had spread in your school that somebody’s mom and dad were going away for the weekend? And that the guy or the girl were having a party. They never knew they were having a party. Perhaps “having” is the wrong choice of word. They were “getting” a party. And I don’t mean the kind of high-school parties that you see in American movies. “Hey, hey, do you guys know Chad Hogan?” “Yeah, of course, man. Everybody knows Chad Hogan, man.” “Chad Hogan’s mom and dad are going away to Long Island for the weekend, man. “There’s a party at Chad Hogan’s mom and dad’s?” “Yeah.” “Whoo! Spring break! Yeah!” “Chad Hogan’s parties are awesome, man. Whoo!” Then it shows you Chad Hogan’s party. Chad Hogan’s booked a band for his living room. “Great party, Chad. Whoo! Yeah! “Let’s go get some dip and chip. Whoo!” Everybody’s nodding to the music with these plastic cups of beer. But nobody knows who brought them. They just go, “Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!” That’s not the kind of parties we had. We never had that kind of parties. We never had spring break, we had the Easter holidays. When I was growing up, it was called “an empty”. An empty. It derives from, ‘We’ve got an empty house.” “We’ve got an empty.” The house is empty. It’s an empty. I mean, you never had, “Spring break!” or Chad Hogan or bands at an empty. An empty was a far more tense affair. Somebody’s furious cousin would disrupt the ambience by announcing that he’d popped his 12 cans. “Drank two, gave one away, “but there’s only seven left.” “Turn that down! We’ve got a can thief. Fucking turn that down!” Somebody else in the corner just trying on people’s jackets. “Think this one suits me?” Not even asking, “Does it fit me?” “Does it suit me?” I mean, the guy’s a petty criminal, you need to look your best, don’t you? The same guy that’s leaving the house at the end of the night holding a microwave. “I think you’ll find I brought this with me.” “And I do not care for the accusation. “I mean, why would I steal a microwave?” A 35-year-old guy that nobody knew in the corner. Smoking dope and blowing into your Labrador’s face. An intelligent dog as well, and it’s sitting there frazzled. An empty. Good times in an empty. I seen a headline about a mental party. It was obviously a tragic event, but it was pretty funny. A headline that said, “Woman drugged, beaten, tied up, and left for dead “at neighbour’s party.” Surely that can no longer be referred to as a party. I have been in attendance at some pretty wild gaffs, but when a woman has been drugged, beaten, tied up… “I better get a taxi, huh?” That’s the cue to stop dishing out nibbles. Well, a lot of violent crime – that’s been in the news quite a lot. A lot of violent crime, knife crime, gun crime, stuff. I don’t know what the solution is. There’s calls for the tougher sentences. I think we need more consistent sentences. For example, the crime attempted murder, that carries a six or seven-year jail sentence, whereas murder carries a life sentence. Now, why should that be different? You still tried it. Attempted. You tried to kill somebody. You weren’t very good at it. That was by no means your forte. And I don’t think you should get a lesser sentence. In my opinion, you should get double the sentence for making an arse of it. And they get police officers to travel round schools to give talks to kids about knife crime. At the end of the talks, they give the kids a sticker that says “Dennis the Menace” or something. Something like, “Dennis the Menace says no to knives.” Now, I don’t mean to be cynical here, but if you wore a “Dennis the Menace says no to knives” sticker at school, there’s a good chance you’d get stabbed. I think a start would be to close the shops that sell violent weapons. You know you get these sports shops that sell crossbows to alcoholics, you know these places? And sport shops that sell 3,000 baseball bats every year but have never sold a baseball. “They’re the Easterhouse Red Sox. They’ve not had a game in a while, but we’re still… “We’re still selling them equipment. “They must have a pretty hectic pre-season schedule booked.” I was in one of these places, doing a bit of research, and the only security measure, if you wanted to buy something that could be construed as a violent weapon, is you need to fill in a form leaving your name and address so if anything happens, you can be easily traced for questioning. Now, that’s the theory. What self-respecting nutcase, buying a weapon with a view to committing a heinous felony, would leave their real name and address? I picture some police investigation team going through the book. They say, “Excuse me. Shop owner. “Says here you sold a samurai sword “to Bert and Ernie “from 24, Sesame Street.” And some new-guy cop, they’ve maybe sent him on a wild-goose chase somewhere, Sesame Street not showing up on the SatNav. Sliding down the window for directions, going, “Excuse me. Excuse me, mate. “Sorry. Excuse me, excuse me. Can you tell me… “how to get… “How to get to Sesame… That’s a fuckin’ wind-up, innit?” I used to watch a programme called Get Your Own Back. Big show in the ’90s. I’ll explain the premise of the show to the more mature audience members. It was hosted by a guy called Dave Benson Phillips. Big Dave, as you can see, a fanny magnet, right? Dave Benson Phillips. In the show they’d get these kids on who wanted to get their own back on a family member who had done something to annoy them. And it was always like, you know, they’d tell the story about what their family member had done. Then they’d bring on the family member and everybody would boo. It was normally a guy, and they’d boo. They’d go “Boo!” “How could you do that? Boo!” Then they would gunge the guy. Cover him in gunge and go, “Boo! Serves you right.” “That’s what you get. Gunged. Boo!” And that was that. Revenge. Revenge had been hard. Revenge. It was always really, really shite stories. Like, “I’m here to get my own back on my daddy. “‘Cause we were in the car and he farted. “And it was absolutely disgusting. “And he wouldn’t put down the window.” I used to watch this every day. Just one day somehow hoping for something a bit more hard-hitting. “I’m here to get my own back on my Uncle Ronnie “’cause he’s a paedo.” And everybody’s going, “Boo!” “Gunge that paedo.” “Gunge that beast.” When’s the last time you turned on the TV and seen a paedo-gunging? Everybody had a dodgy uncle or a dodgy teacher. We’d a maths teacher, a bit dodgy, bit of a pervert maths teacher. You know, you’d forget your calculator, he’d make you do the class in your vest and pants. Your favourite subject at school? PE. PE? Same here, man. I was always the fat guy that brought in a note. “Please excuse Kevin from volleyball. He’s fucked off to the chip van.” That’s what PE stood for, for me. “Please Excuse.” My favourite subject was woodwork. And as we know… Woodwork. Everybody’s woodwork teacher was a functioning alcoholic. We’d a woodwork teacher. His name was Mr Brundle. So we’d come in in the mornings and we’d shout, “Let’s get ready to Brundle.” And everybody else in the class was ready to Brundle except this guy. He was fucked. His Brundleing days were over. He’d just be sitting at his desk, about 25 minutes into the woodwork class, just sitting there, just going… And he’d face the class and just say, “Right, kids, I’ve had a tough, tough weekend.” “I’ve had a tough time this weekend. “I was supposed to go to IKEA, “but I spent a week’s wages in Oddbins. “So one of yous wee pricks make me a spice rack.” When you were 12, that was a lot of stress. Now, PE. We’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic. Do you know about PE? Not a lot of young people exercising. Do you exercise? – What’s your exercise of choice? Football. Football. Do you play for a team? Just five-a-side? Seven-a-side. Just the kind of guy, just go… I play five-a-sides. I’m the kind of guy, I just go for the shower. You know, they play five-a-side on Sunday, they just stay in goal for the whole game, then as soon as the game finishes, they start whipping people in the arse with a towel. Now, we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic. I don’t know if we’ve got any fat people in the room. Have we got any fat people in? I’m a little bit rotund myself. I don’t mean I’m fat. I give myself “chubby”. I’m not documentary fat. Never gonna turn on Channel 4 on a Tuesday night and see a guy like me, “Tonight, we meet the 14-stone man.” “That looks disgusting.” “Anybody watch that 14-stone man last night? Shocking. “Showed you this guy, he couldn’t even do 20 minutes on the treadmill. “It showed you the guy having his dinner. “He ate a gammon steak and oven chips, “and then he ate five Jaffa Cakes, and a Penguin.” “14 stone! “It’s on again next week. The guy’s shocking.” People always get flawed perceptions of their size. And it works in a few different ways. I’ll use women as an example here. You know you get girls who are skinny, but they think they’re a bit chubby? Girls who are chubby think they’re fat, fat girls think they’re obese, and then obese girls think they’re supermodels. They’re the happy people. They’re the ones hanging out of limousines on a Friday night going… The driver’s going, “Can you lean in, please? You’re gonna fucking… That’s right.” They’re the first ones on the karaoke. They’re the happy people. I tried exercising. I took up swimming. I tried to go swimming. I went to my local… Thank you. I went to my local pool. Don’t know if anybody here’s ever been to the local public pool. You don’t need to be a member in your local public pool. Anybody can go. And they mean that, they mean anybody can go. Anything. Anybody. Anything can go. Anybody can go. When I took up swimming, I tried to go to my local public pool. I work at night time, so I need to attend my local public pool daytime. Now, in a public swimming pool, on, for example, a Wednesday afternoon, it attracts a certain clientele. And I noticed this one day. I was in the public pool Wednesday afternoon, I had done my length. Then I stopped ’cause I was fucked. But I made it look cool. You know, when you put your elbows up on the tiles. And I was shocked. I looked around in my public pool, on this Wednesday afternoon, and I noticed in a public swimming pool on a Wednesday afternoon, there are three kinds of people. I’m going to be honest here. Three kinds, a bit of honesty here, three kinds of people in a public pool on a Wednesday afternoon. I seen toddlers, right. Toddlers. Paedophiles. And the mentally handicapped. Now, I felt self-conscious. It’s pretty obvious, I am not a toddler. There comes a point in life you need to start making decisions. You need to think fast. You need to start taking your swimming gear down inside a Farmfoods bag, to show you’re not a paedo, you’re just a bit mental. Try to cut a swimming cap out of a Farmfoods bag. ‘Cause everybody that carries a Farmfoods bag has got a screw loose. That is… I don’t mean mentally handicapped, just a bit mad, right. That is the universal sign for “Do not approach me.” The Farmfoods bag. I don’t mean people with three or four Farmfoods bags. They’ve just been shopping in Farmfoods. It’s that one single, solitary, slightly faded… “This is my Farmfoods bag. “There are many others like it, but this one is mine.” I’d seen a guy with an inside-out Farmfoods bag. That is a statement of intent, isn’t it? An inside-out Farmfoods bag. Like I said, we’ve got an obesity epidemic. Don’t know if the facilities… So we’ve got an obesity epi… You’ve got a bigger waist as well. And it means you need to shop in shitholes. You know, you walk in somewhere trendy like Topshop for a pair of jeans. Somewhere trendier than that, maybe. River Island. Walk into River Island and some… you know the sales assistants that work in these places… some indie-band freak show, they come bouncing across to serve you. “Hey, man! Yeah! Whoo!” Telling you to “chill-ax”. “Why don’t you just chill-ax, man?” Anybody ever told you to chill-ax? They’ve took the word “chill” and the word “relax” and combined them to make ironically the most infuriating word there’s ever been. Well, they come bouncing over. They’ve got that kind of energy and enthusiasm that oozes from people who have never been punched in the face. But you require this guy’s assistance. You’re in Topshop, they sell jeans. You’re in Topshop, you need jeans. So I had to say, “Excuse me, mate. Can I try on these jeans, please, “in a 36-inch waist.” And his enthusiasm… “Is that you? Good to see you again. Hey, 36-inch…” Try a 38. Try a 38? Fuck you, man. I asked the guy to try the jeans on in a 38-inch waist. Good call, all right? Shut it! 38-inch waist. Regardless, 36, 38-inch waist. You say to the guy, “Can I try these jeans on in a 40-inch waist?” Thirty-eight-inch waist. And the guy, his enthusiasm just drains. And he looks at you, appalled. You know, that way you would look at somebody if they just took a shite in your kettle. Imagine if somebody took a shite in your kettle – you’d be furious, wouldn’t you? That’s a social faux pas. “Did you shite in the kettle?” “I don’t come to your house and shite in your kettle. “You’ve changed, man.” Shiteing in kettles. So I started shopping in proper shithole clothes shops. You don’t get judged in a proper shithole clothes shop. I was in a place called Dunnes Stores. It’s the hot new up-and-coming shithole clothes shop on the scene. Somewhere between Primark and shoplifting. Now, I’ve got a theory about clothes shops. I find in a clothes shop, the cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer. Anybody ever done that thing, you’d be in a shop and you confuse another shopper for being a member of the staff, right? You go to ask them a question, and they go, “I don’t actually… “I don’t actually work here.” And you go, “I thought you worked here.” And you both share a chuckle and move on. It’s finished. However, in Dunnes Stores, it’s no laughing matter. The cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer, right. Tensions run through the roof in these kind of places. I was in this dump when a guy said to me, said, “Excuse me. Excuse me. “Excuse me, buddy! “How much? “How much are these?” And I said… “I don’t actually work here, buddy.” And he said, “That’s not what I fucking asked you.” Dunnes Stores. That was my first ever, my first ever job. Part-time job. I used to work in TK Maxx. TK Maxx. Thank you. TK Maxx. I was in charge of the changing rooms. That was my job. I was the guy that would count your items, then give you a number. So, if you trying on three items, I gave you number three. And if you were trying on four items, I gave you a number four. But we only had numbers one to six. And this one time a woman was trying on seven items. And everybody was fucking freaking out. I said, “Calm ourselves”, you know. “Let’s just calm ourselves.” “Give me the six. Give me the one.” Problem solved. Unemployment. That was my first ever job. I remember being unemployed. I used to study… I used to study psychology for three weeks. That was my thing. Psychology. Three weeks studying psychology. Get a bit freaked out. Sigmund Freud, he was a sex pest. He’d a theory that young guys have sexual feelings towards their own mothers. I remember reading this and thinking the guy has obviously never seen my mother. A lovely woman, but he wouldn’t ride her into battle. I’ve been unemployed. I feel sorry for anybody unemployed… it’s a pretty tough time to go through in your life. I remember being in the job centre. I think job centres should be renamed The Shite Job Centre. You never walk by a job centre and see in the window, “Forensic detective required.” “Barrister required.” It’s always, “Customer Service Advisor’s Assistant required.” “Could you make the tea for the guy who makes the coffee?” I remember being in the job centre. Everything is: “Must have experience, must have qualifications”. I’m just a dickhead, never had much of that. Last option, just left school, you can join the army. And you’ve got the British Army recruitment desk. You’ve got the two guys there, Robson and Jerome. With the berets on. The guy’s going, “Come here, son. Be the best. Come on.” “D’you want to get shot? We’ll get you shot. Come on.” I’m thinking, “Me, join the army? “T-Mobile just said I don’t have enough qualification to sell phones. “Microsoft just said I don’t have enough experience to answer phones. “And you want to give me a machine gun?” The war on terror. That was supposed to be Obama’s thing – he was gonna end that. Obama. They get quite excited… Have we got any Americans in the room? Hell, yeah. Just one guy doing a shite accent. They don’t normally come to Glasgow, the Americans. They visit Edinburgh when they come. Have we got any Edinburghers here? Big boo for Edinburghers. I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way, but I’ve never really heard the term “Edinburghers”. You know when you hear a conversation, and I don’t mean this in a disparaging way, you hear a conversation in Scotland, there’s an Invernesian, an Aberdonian, a Dundonian, a Glaswegian, and a cunt from Edinburgh. It’s true. You never hear “Edinburghers”. It’s “cunt from Edinburgh”, that’s what they’re called. Good to see we’ve got a few cunts from Edinburgh made it through. Now, I love the Americans in Edinburgh. I love them. They’re enthusiastic. You know, up at Edinburgh Castle, the Americans thinking it’s a high school. ‘Cause they hear gunshots every lunchtime. I’ve been travelling on this tour. We were in Belfast. Belfast, for a couple of nights. I like Belfast. It’s got a kind of vibrant atmosphere. There’s a good chance things could go off at any minute in Belfast. What I mean by vibrant, I was walking through Botanic Avenue in Belfast, there’s a coffee shop called Clements. In their window it says, “Clements. We’re religious about coffee.” Which I thought was a slightly ambiguous mission statement for the city centre of Belfast. “A cappuccino, you feinian bastard.” I was at a Christian rock festival. Never meant to be there. Christian rock fest. I was just passing through the Christian celebration festival, there was a stall set up that said, “A free toastie “for all of God’s children.” A free toastie. So I thought, “Sha’mon!” I said, “Good afternoon. Good afternoon, sir, may I have a toastie?” And the guy said, “Are you a Christian?” And I thought, “Well, if I’m not a Christian, am I not getting a toastie?” “That’s very un-Christian.” And the guy crumbled under the weight of my argument. And he said, “Okay, you can have cheese or cheese and ham.” And I said, “Oh, just cheese, mate. “‘Cause I’m a Jew.” That’s how you get a free toastie off the Lord people. You know the big debate between religion and science? You know, atheism’s becoming quite cool in 2010. The big debate between religion and science. I would always take religion, purely on a basic level. Remember at school, you know, science was quite difficult. Right? You had to read stuff and remember stuff, right? Whereas religious was a skive. Just some guilt-ridden middle-aged women reading passages from the Bible to a class full of hyperactive adolescents that’s pissing themselves laughing at something that’s been drawn on the blackboard. I mean, that was a skive. I’d like to believe in something. I mean, you don’t just live and then die and that’s it, finish. I’d like to believe there’s something bigger than this. Know what I mean? It’s hard. You think, where’s the evidence? If there’s a God, why is there so much evil? And why is there famine, corruption and greed, stuff like that? Maybe you need to make up your own theories, right? I’ve combined a bit of religion, a bit of atheism and came to my own conclusions. Maybe God created the world, but then he fucked off. He’s God, he’s gonna have more than one property, ain’t he? Maybe we’ve got the place to ourselves. We’ve got an empty. This is the world. And like all good empties, it’s got a bit out of hand. That’s why you’ve get terrorism, corruption, greed. Maybe God will come back one day and go, “Look at the fucking state of this place.” “Everybody get out.” With your world leaders and corrupt bankers, people shuffling at the door going, “Sorry, we never thought you were coming back, mate. Sorry about the mess.” The Pope, certainly now the Pope knows he’s getting grounded. “I’ll speak to you in a minute, Pope.” No, live and let live. Believe what you want to believe, unless you’re a dick, that’s my motto. Did election fever grab you? Anybody vote in election? Anybody get interested in our big election this year? I watched the three leadership debates and I thought, “Wow! “I’m definitely going to draw a cock and balls on the ballot paper.” It was quite good when Gordon Brown got caught on the microphone. You know, they said he just got unlucky ’cause a microphone just died as… It just managed to catch him saying what he said. I think he got pretty lucky. If the microphone had stayed on we’d have heard what he really thought. “Oh, just some bigoted old woman, you know. “Whose idea was that? Was that Sue’s idea? “Absolute disaster. Just a bigoted old… “What she needed was a good fucking ride, that’s what she needs.” “Eastern European immigrants. Just a good cock, that’s what she needs.” You need Eastern European immigrants. I was in a party with Polish people. There was one Polish guy, I was speaking to him, right, the Polish guy never spoke any English, and I don’t speak much Polish. So it became apparent that a conversation would present some significant linguistical challenges. And I remembered I done some French when I was younger. French – find the common denominator with the Polish guy. So I said, eh, “Parlez-vous français?” And the Polish guy says, “Oui. ” I’m going, “Cool.” See, “parlez-vous français” is kind of all I’ve got in the tank. But the Polish guy now thinks I speak French, so… He’s going: “Oui. ” Next day, “Who told that Polish guy he could take a shite in the kettle?” You need a bit of immigration in the world. No, you need a few. I feel sorry for asylum seekers. Their applications get expelled, they get accused of lying. Lying about being in danger. I think if somebody’s prepared to travel thousands of miles in the back of a lorry, starving themselves for weeks, risking their lives at the border controls, just to get a council flat in Sighthill, something’s frightening the shite out of them. You know the BNP, this year they got forced to allow non-white people to join the BNP. I thought that was pretty cool. I’d encourage people from every ethnic group to join the BNP. Ruin their party. I’d love to live in a country where the white supremacists are black. “I’m supposed to be racist. Who’s this guy? How is he in my team?” We had a bit of racial animosity in this city, in Glasgow, when we got our terrorist attack. Remember that? Glasgow airport, we got our own little terrorist attack. Pretty proud of that. Kind of put us on the map. Islamic fundamentalists attacked New York, Madrid, London and then Glasgow. We were fucking flattered. My dad had a tear in his eye. “It’s a proud day, son.” I saw it on the telly. “Well, I’ve been there.” “I’ve parked there!” And everybody had a laugh, but terrorism does have a negative side. It did create a kind of racial divide. I witnessed this firsthand on a train, going down south on this train. Just me sitting here and a middle-aged guy sitting just along a bit. Now, a couple of stops later, a women of Asian appearance boarded the train and sat beside the middle-aged guy, who immediately stood up and walked away. You ever seen that film Snakes on a Plane? This was jakes on a train, right? That’s funny. Walked away… The middle-aged guy stood up and just walked away and sat beside me. He started to nudge me. You know that way a scumbag presumes you’re also gonna be a scumbag? Nudging me, and he’s pointing, and he said, “I don’t fancy sitting beside her, pal. “No chance. She’ll be one of their suicide bombers. “I’m taking no chances.” I thought, “I can see your logic here, mate, “you thought she might be a suicide bomber. “So you’ve came and sat four seats away?” Seriously underestimating the power of Semtex. “Think she’s got a stink bomb?” “This is the jihad for Allah!” “Oh, it’s fucking bowfin here!” “Open that window. Smelly Taliban bastards. Oh…” That is disgusting. Somebody got a can of Febreze? There’s been a terrorist attack. That is absolutely minging. And you’re stuck with the guy the whole way. Going down south, going to London. The guy said, “You going to London?” And I said, “I’m going to London.” And he said, “I don’t like London.” Guys like me and you, mate, we are the foreigners in London. They’re coming over here, mate, and they’re speaking Punjabi. I loved the way the guy said “Punjabi”. It was pretty funny. “They’re speaking Punjabi.” “And wearing these burkas, mate. This is our country. If they want to come into our country, “they should at least be adapting to our culture.” And I’m looking at this guy, thinking, “I bet when he goes abroad, “he really blends in.” Walking about Lanzarote looking for a Greggs. “You don’t understand my accent? A Daily Record, you dick!” The summertime’s approaching. Holiday time’s coming up. Anybody going on holiday? Oh, yeah! I’ve been on a few different types of holidays. I went on holiday when I was younger, like seven years old, there was a big age gap between me and my brother. So I had to go at seven years old, with just me, my mum and dad, and I’d be bored on the first day. My mum would say, “Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I’ll find you a wee pal. “Don’t worry, we’ll find you a wee friend. We’ll find you somebody to play with.” You get introduced to some little stray. He would come with a disclaimer. “Kevin, this is Brandon. Brandon, he doesn’t like the pool.” And I’d say, “Hi, Brandon.” He’d say, “Hi, Kev.” Brandon doesn’t like the sunshine. Brandon doesn’t play football. Brilliant! Two weeks in Majorca, sitting in the shade playing Connect Four with an albino. Now, you go on holiday, lying around the pool, relaxing during the day, and here comes this guy with a T-shirt on and a whistle, who’s the leader of the kids’ club. This prick. Leader of the kids’ club. Blowing his whistle, trying to get the kids into the shallow end for a game of water polo. You’ve got all these wee, inbred, mutant bastards screaming and splashing. “Good morning!” It’s that accent again: “Mummy, Daddy just farted!” “Mummy, can I have an ice cream?” Then there’s the Scottish kids, they’re just kind of floating. They’re still fucked from the night before. “Water polo, mate? Maybe some other time, eh?” “We’re not long in, mate. We just got in, man, honestly.” “I was doing two-for-ones in that sports café last night.” “I’ve got a throat like a junkie’s carpet, man.” “Mummy, can I have an ice cream?” “Oh, Dad?” “Oh, Dad?” “Oh, Dad?” “Oh, Brian?” “Give me another one of your fags.” “Give us a fag.” Beside you is the Scottish boy’s mum and dad. I say “dad” – Brian, I don’t know, the guy that took the hit. She’s saying, “That’s embarrassing. That is absolutely cringe-worthy. “He’s only 12 and he’s asking me for a fag.” “He’s asking me and you for a fag. He’s only 12. You better speak to him.” Your mum’s worried about looking cringe-worthy… she’s sitting there with “Lidl” and “Aldi” tattooed… “You better speak to him.” The dad goes… Brian goes, “Don’t worry, hen, I’ll speak to him.” “Ho! You fucking get your own fags, you wee dick.” They’re only a quid a packet. Then you get a bit older, and you go on a holiday with your mates, as I’m sure a few of you are doing, a few young people. And then go on your first holiday with your mates, that’s when you see proper carnage. You go on holiday with your mates, you confuse having a laugh and being a major health-and-safety hazard. You see groups of guys walking about the airport. – “Anything to declare?” – “Aye, he’s a gay boy.” “You said, ‘Anything to declare?’ and I said ‘He’s a gay boy.’ “On us holidays. Gonna be mental, us holidays.” The carnage starts before you even leave your own country. And on the plane, about to leave, that’s when you see chaos. On a plane, you know, guys just swinging their T-shirts round their head on the plane. There’s always one guy, delayed, he’s getting the final call, back in the departure lounge, final, final call, final call. The whole plane is delayed, seatbelts fastened, waiting to go, waiting on this guy. He finally emerges. Front of the plane, this sombrero emerges. And rather than apologise for the inconvenience and the delay that he’s caused everybody on the plane, he just kind of scopes the cabin to find the rest of his pals. And shouts… “Here we go!” And the whole plane’s thinking, “No chance.” “This plane better crash.” Guy’s swinging his T-shirt round his head, singing. It’s the kind of flight that you want to see a hijacker on, on that plane. You won’t see an al-Qaeda suicide-bomb attempt on that plane, Glasgow to Palma. I don’t mean that in a self-congratulatory way. I think the hijackers would have the manpower, the willpower, determination, and the belief. The only stumbling block would be getting a word in. On that flight, Glasgow to Palma. You’ve spent the last 15 years of your life in Taliban training camps on the flight simulator, ready to die for a cause you believe in, ready to give your life for 72 virgins. For Allah, for the jihad. You’re on that plane. You try to stay focused – must be pretty intense. The place you need to go to inside your mind to commit such an atrocity. You try to concentrate whilst an inflatable crocodile gets smacked up the back of your head. “Gonna pass that back up, mate? Cheers.” But the show must go on. The kamikaze headband goes on. You’re in the aisle, shouting, “Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!” Nobody bats an eyelid. People singing and banging the windows. “Allah Akbar!” People having drunken conversations, just… “Are We Humans or Are We Dancers? “That song really spoke to me. Uh. “‘Cause obviously I’m human, but I like to dance. “Is there an option for a guy like me in this?” “He’s hijacking the plane? I’ll bust him. Where is he?” I’ll put the fag out in a minute, mate. I’m dealing with a potential terror threat here.” “Fucking jobsworth.” The guy’s still shouting, “Allah Akbar!” “Sit on your arse, I’m trying to see the telly.” “You just do wee cans? Pringles, Pringles? “Pringles?” And eventually, Eventually telling the guy to sit on his arse, cuddle the guy, a beautiful moment for world peace, not just sitting there, but saying “Are you killing yourself for 72 virgins, mate? “We’re going to Magaluf, man.” I love it. Ladies and gentlemen at Glasgow, it’s been a pleasure talking to you. Thanks a lot for coming up. Goodnight, God bless. See you soon. Where are you going? That was just a wee shite bit. Then you come back on. Away to catch the bus, away to catch the garage. So I’m back. What was that? Say again? I don’t have a clue what that guy’s saying now. I genuinely don’t know what you’re saying, mate. I’d love to hear what you’re saying, it sounds pretty coherent and stuff like that. And you’re gonna translate for the guy, an even drunker guy? No, what he said was… So… I love you! I love you as well, baby. I love you. Turned into a bit of a Michael Buble concert there. So, we’re making a DVD this evening, so you’ve been part of the audience. Thanks a lot for that. A DVD that’s probably already on sale in the barrows. Give you five DVDs for forty quid. There you go. You’re a real bastard! I just heard “bastard” there. I’m not even gonna… I’m not gonna ask what preceded the word “bastard”. It sounded pretty positive, to be fair. Just ended pretty severe. Bastard. Bus stop! “Tell us the bus-stop joke.” Just there. Think I’m jukebox? Put a wee quid in… I’ve got three jokes. There’s a pound. Presto! I done that joke, the bus-stop joke, that was my first ever joke on mainstream TV. I done that joke, and about three weeks… About three weeks after the show broadcast, I was at a bus stop, right? And a guy across the street shouted, “Fat boy!” “Give me a quid, or you’re getting stabbed.” And I just started laughing. The other three or four people at the bus stop, they never knew what was going on, right? They just heard this and see me laughing, and they thought that guy must be hard as nails. I’m a bus guy. Still take public transport, I’m a bus guy. I’m a bus… I take one of their… Every area’s got a rough bus. You know, one of the kind of Glasgow safaris that you get. The number 40 bus. It runs from Clydebank to Easterhouse… via Drumchapel. As if they went, “Clydebank to Easterhouse. I’m not sure that’s mental enough. “No…” “We better stick this through Drumchapel.” On my bus, I’ve seen three generations of the one family get on for a half fair. So, how did they enjoy the SECC? First time here, first time in the SECC? Aye. Nobody ever… Nobody talks about the show. After the SECC, they always talk about the prices, don’t they? “Guess how much?” “Guess how much we paid for three drinks? Have a guess, guess how much? “For three drinks.” The key is to aim high and kill the conversation stone dead. “50 quid.” “We thought it was quite expensive, but it sounds as if we got a bargain.” So, we’ll finish up on a joke. Has anybody ever what? Has anybody ever shat in my kettle? Since we last did the show it’s happened on several occasions. We’ll finish up… I don’t know… How am I gonna hear what you’re saying? Does that make sense to even you guys in the audience there? Just a gun noise… A-E-I, make a sentence out of that one, dick. So, we’ll finish up. Obviously the DVD is about six months away, so we need to predict the future, or it’s gonna look pretty weird. You could watch on a DVD and wonder, “How come he never mentioned the fact that North Korea blew the world up?” or something like that. So what about England winning the World Cup, eh? What about England getting fucked? We’ll wait and see what one makes the edit. Ladies and gentlemen, goodnight, have a great journey home, God bless. Thank you. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jerrod-carmichael-rothaniel-transcript/ | Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel (2022) | Transcript | jerrod carmichael | Man… We were waiting for you. I’m happy you’re here. I’m happy all of you are here. I have so much to tell you. You’re comfortable? You can talk back to me. I want you guys to feel that. This only works if we feel like family. I know the camera’s here and it’s a whole thing. It’s a big night, it’s a lot of pressure. That kinda thing, you know? I want you guys to feel as comfortable as I hope to be. We got a lot of shit to talk about. I’m happy you’re here. I need you. I wanna talk about secrets! Secrets! I should whisper it, right? I carried a lot of secrets my whole life. I feel like I was birthed into them. One of my biggest, one of my last held secrets is my name. My name is not Jerrod. Welcome to the show, everybody. I thought we were being honest tonight. Jerrod’s my middle name. I was given the name Jerrod by my brother, Joe. He’s, like, seven years older than me. They just trusted a kid to name a kid, but whatever. I’m thankful for that. Without him I’d have to go by my real name, my first name, which we don’t talk about. It is not good. I don’t like it. I’ve always hated that name, no one calls me that except for my mom. My dad named me… He combined his dad’s first name and my mom’s dad’s first name and mushed them together. Not to make something elegant, like William Edward or something like that. It’s more like Toyotathon. I hate that name. I’ve hidden that name my whole life. I used to get it removed from the yearbook. Every year in high school I would bribe somebody. It’d cost me 20 dollars to get my first name taken out of it. I never let people see my driver’s license. I had it taken off my bank cards. I’ve always been ashamed of it. I’ve always hidden it. And it’s funny because it’s a name given to me to honor two people. It’s supposed to be this gift to both my granddads. And it almost seemed kind of fucked up that I hide that, that I like tuck it away, but that’s because you don’t know my grandfathers. If you knew them, you’d know keeping a secret is the only way to honor them. That’s kind of who they were. They were granddads. I’m named after two men who most of their lives, most of their sex lives at least were secrets. My mom’s dad had four kids with my mom’s mom, his wife, and four kids outside of that marriage, just kind of scattered about. My dad’s dad had five kids with his wife and about 23 outside of the marriage. Yeah. I come from a long line of cool n*ggers. 23. Dillon, South Carolina. Jim Gowens is his name. We don’t have the same last name because my dad was an outside kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s no easy way to say your grandma was a side piece. I wanna say it was something else. They’d prefer I used terms like “affair” and whatever, but nah, that’s not what it was. She was fuckin’ a married n*gger and that’s just… So my grandma had three kids by a married man, my uncle Pete, my dad, my aunt Nell, and his wife found out and confronted my grandma about it. I like to think it was on some “Color Purple” shit, like she crossed the field or whatever. But she confronted my grandma and demanded that she stop sleeping with her man, and my grandma fucked him again and had my Aunt Cat. I think she’s where I get my ambition from. My aunt Cat is proud of that, by the way. She’ll tell everybody her origin story. She’s like: “Don’t nobody tell me who to sleep with.” “And then she fucked him again and had me out of spite.” “That’s me, I’m the spite baby.” She loves that shit. But we don’t really talk about it. We don’t really talk about it. My dad doesn’t really know his dad, but he still felt enough pride to name me after him. My mom’s dad was also like a cheater, but she lived in the house that he was cheating from. And so when you’re that family, you learn not to say shit. My mom, I guess, learned from her mom. I’m trying to paint a picture of a world before Destiny’s Child, where women got cheated on and it didn’t play out like a Terry McMillan novel. It was much more quiet than that. They just kind of existed with the secret. They knew, but they didn’t know. It’s weird, it’s like generations of that, generations of just seeing things, not seeing things. I saw my parents’ sex tape. This is kind of a side tangent. I was about twelve years old. I came home from school early. I would watch my dad… If you got a dad or an older brother, they might’ve had a porn stash. This was the ’90s. My dad kept his tapes in a Nike box in the bedroom closet on the top shelf, beside a gun and a jar of nickels. And I remember putting this tape in, and it was about 15 seconds before I started recognizing the bedroom. I know those sheets, they got lemons on them. But that’s the thing, I never told my family. I never told my parents that I’d seen that. It’s odd because it’s one of those things… You can’t talk about sex with your parents, not that anybody really wants to, but you just can’t. And you’re only here because your parents fucked, isn’t that kinda funny? Your dad came in your mom and you’re here. Have you ever been watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene came on and you just gotta be, like, “nope, no it’s not”. Things that exist, but don’t exist. It’s things that are right there, hiding in plain sight. My father had me and my brother with my mom, and then he had four kids with a bitch named Raneta. It’s not that I hate her name. It’s just that it sounds like a villain in a Tyler Perry movie. And other kids, he had other kids. My dad was, he was really out there, man. He was really, really out there. And I knew about it since I was a kid. It was a small town, and it’s a secret that he thought he was keeping from the family. He thought he was doing a good job keeping the secret. But I found out. I never told him that I knew. My brother found out. He didn’t tell him. It’s funny to live in a house with someone knowing who they are, knowing that they’re cheating on your mom and not saying anything to him. He used to go out on Friday nights, he would say he was going to work. My dad is a truck driver, which by the way, if you’re cheating on your wife and you’re looking for a profession that allows just long blackout dates, get your CDLs and hit the road. I really recommend it. He would say he was going to a second job on Friday nights, but he would get dressed up, and I mean dressed up by North Carolina dad standards. He tucked his t-shirt into his jeans. He would say he was going to work with cologne on. Do you understand what I’m saying? It’s just, like, a liar. And it would just leave me as a kid knowing that… It’s weird to know it, to know, to really, really know, and not say anything. I was scared. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what I could’ve done. I don’t know if I would’ve said anything if I had the courage, because I only saw this secret as something that could’ve torn our family apart. If my mom found out, I thought it would be over. He was fucking my homeboy TJ’s aunt. This was this story TJ told me about, and that’s hard because TJ, he didn’t want to snitch. In the hood… I didn’t wanna snitch! He told me, he was like: “Man, I came home from school the other day” “and I went to my aunt’s house” “and your pop was just there on the couch.” What? He’s like: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was just on the couch.” He saw my dad sitting on the couch. He walks in, he’s excited to see my dad. He knows my dad very well, they used to play Madden together. He knows him. He’s like: “Mr. Carmichael, what are you doing here?” And my dad, being caught, under pressure, you know what he did? He just squinted his eyes and pretended he was somebody else. I don’t know how that was supposed to work. He literally was just like: “Mr. Carmichael? I don’t know who you’re talking about.” He just grabbed his shit and got the fuck outta there. My father. And TJ was there with his aunt and he said: “Do you know who that was?” “That’s my best friend’s dad. That’s Joe Carmichael.” And she said: “Joe Carmichael?” “He told me his name was Jerry Rice.” That’s right, that’s right. My father was telling bitches his name was Hall of Fame wide receiver Jerry Rice. Do you know how absurd that is? And I got so many questions, things he won’t talk about. Did you say it? Did you act surprised? “Did you go: What? There’s another Jerry Rice?” Was it all part of the game? Did he go: “Yeah, my name is Jerry Rice. I know. I get it all the time.” How did he react? He was a wild man, he was really out there, really, really out there, just holding it in, just holding it all in. He had a double or triple bypass surgery, I guess that’s where it went. It’s fine. I’m paying for his health insurance. Don’t groan for the man. I’m keeping him alive right now. I made him tell my mom. It became too much. It’s a secret that I think I was happy keeping as a child because I thought it made sense for the family, but then it was embarrassing, first of all. Because people knew. It seems like everyone knew, but my mom, and that’s really tough because my mom is a very sweet, loving, trusting, Christian, God-fearing woman, who was just standing by her man, trusting her husband. And my dad was just, you know, he was really out there. I got really drunk in London and I was like: “It’s time.” “I’m gonna confront him about it.” And it’s hard. This was hard because this is a tough man. Again, he kept a sawed-off shotgun in the closet by the porn, and it’s not easy. It’s not easy. I was really afraid, but I remember starting the call saying: “Listen, this will all go well as long as you don’t lie to me.” And I was just almost in tears and just so emotional. “I know about everything, man. I know about Renita,” “and the kids, and the blah blah blah,.” You know what he said? He actually said: “I always knew you’d be the one.” That’s what he said. He knew. So I made him tell my mom. He waited until I was back home in North Carolina to tell her, fucking pussy. I know, that’s a pussy thing to do, right? He waited. He needed the support. He waited until I was home. And this was his big plan to tell my mom. He was like: “Okay, so you and your brother, you take her out to dinner.” “I’m gonna stay home. And then you bring her back from dinner.” “You drop her off, she’ll come in the house, and then I’m gonna tell her.” And I was like: “Okay, you want me to hide a gun behind the toilet, too?” “What kinda Godfather plan is this?” But I went along with it. It took a lot for him. That dinner was the worst dinner I’ve ever had in my entire life. I took my mom to a hibachi restaurant. Earlier that day, I had taken my nieces to see the “Trolls” movie. I love going to the movies with my nieces. It’s the best. They’re not my kids so I can just get high and do fun shit with them, it’s the best. And we’d seen the “Trolls” movie, and I don’t know if you’ve seen it, spoiler alert. The premise is that these are these colorful trolls that are singing and all types of shit, and if something devastating happens to them, they lose all of their color. I remember thinking that the whole dinner, that whole night is just looking at my mom, just looking in her eyes going: “She’s going to lose her color.” It was really, really scary. Mind you, all of this happened at a hibachi grill, so I’m looking in her eyes, but there’s a flame and we gotta clap every couple minutes. He’s juggling salt and pepper shakers. “Yay, okay. My mom is about to be fucking destroyed,” “but this is a great trick.” I get mad when I don’t get a Japanese chef. Sometimes they’re Mexican and they’re just passing them off as… Anyway. How many Japanese chefs are there in North Carolina? I’m piecing this together now. I brought her home. I dropped her off. I went to my brother’s house, and we waited by the phone very, very anxiously, me, my brother, and sister-in-law just waited, very nervous. And then my mom called. I could hear in her voice that she’d been crying. And I’ll never forget, her first words were: “I’m okay.” And he told her, begged for her forgiveness. She forgave him, she stayed. It’s kinda anti-climactic, I know. She actually made him breakfast the next morning. I’ll never forget that fact. And mostly because it’s an embarrassing fact to admit. It’s not how I thought the story would play out. It’s somehow worse. But it was out in the open. And once that was done, I was left alone feeling like a liar because I had a secret, one that I kept from my mother, and my father, and my family, my friends, and you, all of you, professionally, personally. And the secret is that I’m gay. Thank you for that. We love you. That’s very sweet. I really appreciate that. It means a lot. And I’m accepting the love, I really appreciate the love. My, kind of, ego wants to rebel against it, you clap and you’re very sweet and you’re very kind, and I appreciate it. Part of me wants to be like: “I’m fucking gay.” “I’m not fucking retarded.” Because I can feel it, bro. I can feel it. There’s a lot that happens coming out. I’m telling you guys and I see the Yankee fitteds. Some of y’all are just like: “Shit, we at a gay show, bro?” This is for HBO. You know how many n*ggers just turned the TV off saying to their girl right now “we gotta watch something else”? Like, y’all clapped. A lot of you clapped and you felt it. Some of you didn’t really wanna clap. You were just like: “We gotta do that shit. We’re in New York and there’s cameras.” That’s okay, I get it. I came out to my friends. We love you. I wanna accept that, you know? It feels like I didn’t earn it. It’s like, what did I do, suck a Dominican dude’s dick? And then y’all clapped for that, you know? Because I rebelled against that. I really did, bro, I rebelled against it my whole life. I never thought I’d come out. I didn’t think I’d ever, ever, ever come out. Probably at many points in my life I thought I’d rather die than confront the truth of that. I didn’t actually say it to people, because I know it changes people’s, some people, it changes their perception of me. I can’t control that. I’m from an environment where I was, kind of, raised to be a man, whatever that means. Didn’t expect gay babies, you know what I’m saying? You don’t see old ladies looking at a toddler being, like: “Look at his cheeks. I bet he’s gonna be a top.” “Get that baby some prep now.” I feel you, bro. I’m with you. I’m from the hood. Sometimes I’ll be in the shower like: “N*gger, I’m really gay. Fuck, dude!” You know? Shit is shocking to me, too. I didn’t know. It’s fucked up all my relationships. I had a boyfriend, me and that n*gga talked to each other like men. We’d say shit like: “I wanna suck your dick, bro.” None of that gay shit over here. Sometimes we’re making out and just whispering “no homo” to each other. Just tonguing that n*gger down being, like, “pause”. I feel you. I got mostly straight friends. Them n*ggers didn’t wanna hear that shit. My homeboy, Jamar, said… This is one of my best friends. I let him sleep on my couch when he needed it. I was always there for him. He told me he felt like he was tricked into having a gay best friend. He said: “I would’ve never signed up for this.” And I said: “N*gger, you owe me 85000 dollars.” Gotta accept the love, man. I need the love. I need it. I was really out here lying, though. That’s the thing, I came out too late, a little too late. That “it gets better shit is for the kids”. That’s not for an adult man figuring himself out. They don’t want that. Nobody wants that shit. All my friends felt like I was just duplicitous, like I was just lying to them. They didn’t know who I was. They all reacted like Sally Field in Mrs. Doubtfire. They were like: “The whole time?” They were very mad about that shit. It cleared up my relationship with all my black homegirls. My friend Ashley told me before I came out she could sense it. She was like: “Please just tell me you’re gay so this all makes sense.” I guess there are only so many times you can Facetime a woman to see if your outfit looks okay before they start having some questions. They were the toughest. Black women were the toughest people to come out to, but also the most supportive. I’m very, very thankful for all of the black ladies in my life who have supported me through that, through all of it, all of it. They’re not homophobic at all. They’re racist as a motherfucker. They don’t like that I had a white boyfriend. See? You see what I’m saying? You see that change? You can be gay, but n*gger, what? You date white boys, really? Is that a shock? Surprise, surprise. No more secrets. I’m gonna tell you all. You heard her say “wow”? That’s the sound of a Black woman that feels doubly betrayed. My sister is on that shit, too. Listen, I’m used to it. I grew up just in the hood on some real strong masculine shit. It plays out. Look, I’ll say this, I actually think that it is important to say this, I believe in the black family. I think that black men should marry black women, and have black babies and raise them to be smart, just good citizens, educated. I think that’s very, very important. A hundred percent. I think gay black men should be able to fuck whoever the fuck we want. What is the consequence? There are no black babies coming from the kind of sex I have, okay? It’s all getting flushed. It doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. The black girls, they try. I would send them pictures of my boyfriend and they would ignore that he’s white. They would just be like… I remember I sent a picture to my homegirl Tiffany and she was like: “He got some pretty glasses.” I was like: “Nah, bitch, it’s not the glasses.” “Look at the skin of my vanilla king.” I didn’t call him that. I’m hiding nothing from you guys. But your name. Now you guys are too much like my family. Let’s go back to the audience-performer relationship we had before. It’s a lot. I’m really happy we had this moment of… My brother texted me earlier today and said: “I’m missing my first special taping,” “but I know it’s necessary. I love you.” That’s very sweet. I love him. He’s there for me as much as he can be. He tries. He tries and I love him. I love him a lot. I love Joe so much. He’s all I got in a lot of this. I wish he’d try harder. I’m probably a little mad at him, a little bit mad. He’s my big brother, he’s supposed to protect me. He loves me despite, that’s the thing. It’s a little condescending, you know? It’s love with an asterisk. “I don’t really fuck with the gay shit, but I still love you.” That’s that masculine shit. I could feel the distance between us. And I hate that because no one would want that. It makes me feel unwanted. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. It’s like he’s looking down on me and accepting me despite. It’s especially hurtful just because I make so much more money than this n*gger. It’s not even close. I don’t wanna be gross and talk about money, but the difference is millions and millions of dollars. I love my brother a lot. He’s a nice guy. Nice as… I’m saying that. He has five kids who I love a lot, a lot. My nieces mean a lot to me. My oldest niece, Joliette, she’s fourteen now and I like talking to her. I think she’s so smart and she’s really beautiful. Her face reminds me of my mom’s. I have a five-year-old niece and then four-year-old twin nieces and I love them. I like spending time with them because I’m not hiding anything when I’m with them, I’m just with them. We’re just there playing. We’re just eating ice cream or they’re trying to braid my hair. They are easy to talk about it with, you know? Joliette, there’s no pre-tense. It’s harder with the older ones. I came out to my dad again. I say again, cause he forgets. It’s cognitive dissonance. I have to remind him. I have to re-up every so often. There’s a part of him that likes that I came out. I don’t think he necessarily wants a gay son, but he likes that me coming out takes some of the heat off him. Like when he first found out he was like “no, it’s cool”, “I fucked up, you fucked up”. “You gay, I did what I did… Que sera…” My father’s dream is that I’m bi. That’s all he wants. That’s all he wants, the hope, somewhere on the horizon, that I’m still getting pussy. That’s all he wants. He’s probably actually disappointed in both of me and my brother. He’s probably looking at us like: “Wait, so you gay and you only fuck your wife?” “What kinda nerds am I raising here?” I told my dad, I said: “I know two things for a fact.” “I will never be an astronaut and I’m a gay man.” And you know what my father said? He said: “Don’t give up on the moon, son.” I hid it from my mom for the most part. I was afraid that her reaction would be to just go inside with it. I love her a lot. I love her dearly. And I’m trying to describe her without sounding cliché and describe the love that I have for her. I really feel like I was one of her closest friends. I feel like I have always looked out for her. I remember on the call, the last time I talked about being gay with my Mom, she said: “I can’t go against Jesus.” And it just bothers me. I get it, cause she’s… She’s doing the best she can. I think. She’s trying to accept. I don’t know what she’s trying to do. I think she’s trying to accept it. Part of me knows she’s at home trying to pray the gay away. I get a little mad sometimes. Any time I don’t match with a dude on RIA I’m like: “I bet that bitch over there praying to God.” I feel it too. It fucks with me because this is a religion that I still believe in. I’m still a Christian and it’s taken a lot, it’s taken a whole lot because I’ve had to reconfigure God and what God is and what he means in order to accept myself. I had to kind of rebuild. And with my mom… I’m sorry. A lot of it is not really… It’s kinda happening in real time, so it’s not totally worked out. Forgive me. I think she’s… She thinks not reacting is the best reaction. I think she’s been rewarded for staying quiet, you know? It’s like with her dad, so she gives me nothing. Even hate starts to feel like love because that’s acknowledgement. It’s not just nice. It’s not pleasant, it’s real and that feels… I think that would feel better. I wish she would yell at me. I wish she would tell me to not come home. I wish she’d call me a f*ggot like my Uncle June Bug did. Yeah. It hurt my feelings, but I was like: “N*gga, your name June Bug.” I’d rather get called a f*ggot than June Bug. Anything, anything, anything. She’s nice. She’s sweet. She ignores it. The worst of her is cold, like really, really cold. I mean she’s a nice lady, but like, there’s a part of her that’s really… She can shut people out. She can ignore, she can block and like, go inside. But you gave yourself so many years. Why don’t you give her that time? I’d love to give her all the time in the world, you know? I don’t know how much time it would take. I don’t know how much time we have left. Just in general, one of my biggest fears is my parents funeral, just the thought of one them dying without saying everything, without contending, without expressing it all. And my mom’s in her early sixties and she has time and she’s… I also just don’t know if that’s when people change. They do. Maybe. I don’t know. It sounds like a joke, but like part of me feels like if I ask my mom to change this much about her is like, you ever see a 90-year-old get a college degree? On the news… And you’re like: “Bitch, now?” “Good luck in the fucking job market.” It’s not that I don’t find hope for change, but I think even if she was young, there’s a part of my mom that’s very, very cold. I know it because I have it, I can be that. That’s why my last real secret is that I’m… People think I’m nice. Nah, I’m like my Mom. Fuck everybody. Very selfish. Very, very, very, very selfish. I smile. Very polite about it. I lie to everybody face. “Yeah, we should get dinner!” You know, lies. How you lie to people? I’m afraid of not… Man, just like my Mom, is that performance of like who you’re supposed to be. Like I’m afraid of not smiling. I smile a lot. I feel like if I don’t smile, I look like the n*ggers that shot Malcom X. I know. I’m afraid of things getting awkward. Like weird. Like even this moment, I’m like “man, I should probably think of a joke”. Shit is falling apart out here. Do you wish you didn’t tell her? No, no. I stayed in the closet for a long time. I think because of my mom I felt like… It’s not like I could bring a dude home to her, so what’s the point? But as much as she believes in God, I believe in personal growth and feeling free. I feel freer. We say things like: “Sometimes you grow and you gotta leave people behind.” “People are in your life for a reason or a season.” Or these kinds of cliché sayings. It’s hard when that person is your mom. You think a lot of the guilt is your dad’s guilt? I carry some guilt. I think because I was complicit in the lie, I guess. I thought I was protecting her. I always felt like my mom’s protector. I always felt like… I’m trying to explain this concept. I always felt like… I always felt like the result of her prayers. My mom, one of her favorite Bible verses is, I think it’s Jeremiah Chapter 33: “Ask me and I will tell you things you don’t know and can’t find out.” Do you think without your mom’s approval you’ll be okay? That eventually this will be something that you’ll be okay with? I think without my mom’s approval… I’d like to believe I will be okay. I think I’ve spent a lot of time trying to supplement that love and I’m very thankful because I have some very, very good friends. Really, really good people who are there… I think it’s something that I kind of search for. When there’s distance between me and my mom, it’s the times I feel the most like an orphan. I feel abandoned. I’m sorry, that laugh was fake. I’m trying to make jokes. I wish this moment weren’t so weird, man. I think like, what do I want from her? I know she’ll see this. I don’t know what will happen. You guys got any ideas? I don’t know what else to… I’ve been trying to be very honest because my whole life was shrouded in secrets. And I figured the only route I haven’t tried was the truth, so I’m saying everything. Here’s everything. I feel okay. I’m very thankful for tonight. Rothaniel. My name’s Rothaniel. Goodnight, everybody. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very much. Thank you. | Man… We were waiting for you. I’m happy you’re here. I’m happy all of you are here. I have so much to tell you. You’re comfortable? You can talk back to me. I want you guys to feel that. This only works if we feel like family. I know the camera’s here and it’s a whole thing. It’s a big night, it’s a lot of pressure. That kinda thing, you know? I want you guys to feel as comfortable as I hope to be. We got a lot of shit to talk about. I’m happy you’re here. I need you. I wanna talk about secrets! Secrets! I should whisper it, right? I carried a lot of secrets my whole life. I feel like I was birthed into them. One of my biggest, one of my last held secrets is my name. My name is not Jerrod. Welcome to the show, everybody. I thought we were being honest tonight. Jerrod’s my middle name. I was given the name Jerrod by my brother, Joe. He’s, like, seven years older than me. They just trusted a kid to name a kid, but whatever. I’m thankful for that. Without him I’d have to go by my real name, my first name, which we don’t talk about. It is not good. I don’t like it. I’ve always hated that name, no one calls me that except for my mom. My dad named me… He combined his dad’s first name and my mom’s dad’s first name and mushed them together. Not to make something elegant, like William Edward or something like that. It’s more like Toyotathon. I hate that name. I’ve hidden that name my whole life. I used to get it removed from the yearbook. Every year in high school I would bribe somebody. It’d cost me 20 dollars to get my first name taken out of it. I never let people see my driver’s license. I had it taken off my bank cards. I’ve always been ashamed of it. I’ve always hidden it. And it’s funny because it’s a name given to me to honor two people. It’s supposed to be this gift to both my granddads. And it almost seemed kind of fucked up that I hide that, that I like tuck it away, but that’s because you don’t know my grandfathers. If you knew them, you’d know keeping a secret is the only way to honor them. That’s kind of who they were. They were granddads. I’m named after two men who most of their lives, most of their sex lives at least were secrets. My mom’s dad had four kids with my mom’s mom, his wife, and four kids outside of that marriage, just kind of scattered about. My dad’s dad had five kids with his wife and about 23 outside of the marriage. Yeah. I come from a long line of cool n*ggers. 23. Dillon, South Carolina. Jim Gowens is his name. We don’t have the same last name because my dad was an outside kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s no easy way to say your grandma was a side piece. I wanna say it was something else. They’d prefer I used terms like “affair” and whatever, but nah, that’s not what it was. She was fuckin’ a married n*gger and that’s just… So my grandma had three kids by a married man, my uncle Pete, my dad, my aunt Nell, and his wife found out and confronted my grandma about it. I like to think it was on some “Color Purple” shit, like she crossed the field or whatever. But she confronted my grandma and demanded that she stop sleeping with her man, and my grandma fucked him again and had my Aunt Cat. I think she’s where I get my ambition from. My aunt Cat is proud of that, by the way. She’ll tell everybody her origin story. She’s like: “Don’t nobody tell me who to sleep with.” “And then she fucked him again and had me out of spite.” “That’s me, I’m the spite baby.” She loves that shit. But we don’t really talk about it. We don’t really talk about it. My dad doesn’t really know his dad, but he still felt enough pride to name me after him. My mom’s dad was also like a cheater, but she lived in the house that he was cheating from. And so when you’re that family, you learn not to say shit. My mom, I guess, learned from her mom. I’m trying to paint a picture of a world before Destiny’s Child, where women got cheated on and it didn’t play out like a Terry McMillan novel. It was much more quiet than that. They just kind of existed with the secret. They knew, but they didn’t know. It’s weird, it’s like generations of that, generations of just seeing things, not seeing things. I saw my parents’ sex tape. This is kind of a side tangent. I was about twelve years old. I came home from school early. I would watch my dad… If you got a dad or an older brother, they might’ve had a porn stash. This was the ’90s. My dad kept his tapes in a Nike box in the bedroom closet on the top shelf, beside a gun and a jar of nickels. And I remember putting this tape in, and it was about 15 seconds before I started recognizing the bedroom. I know those sheets, they got lemons on them. But that’s the thing, I never told my family. I never told my parents that I’d seen that. It’s odd because it’s one of those things… You can’t talk about sex with your parents, not that anybody really wants to, but you just can’t. And you’re only here because your parents fucked, isn’t that kinda funny? Your dad came in your mom and you’re here. Have you ever been watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene came on and you just gotta be, like, “nope, no it’s not”. Things that exist, but don’t exist. It’s things that are right there, hiding in plain sight. My father had me and my brother with my mom, and then he had four kids with a bitch named Raneta. It’s not that I hate her name. It’s just that it sounds like a villain in a Tyler Perry movie. And other kids, he had other kids. My dad was, he was really out there, man. He was really, really out there. And I knew about it since I was a kid. It was a small town, and it’s a secret that he thought he was keeping from the family. He thought he was doing a good job keeping the secret. But I found out. I never told him that I knew. My brother found out. He didn’t tell him. It’s funny to live in a house with someone knowing who they are, knowing that they’re cheating on your mom and not saying anything to him. He used to go out on Friday nights, he would say he was going to work. My dad is a truck driver, which by the way, if you’re cheating on your wife and you’re looking for a profession that allows just long blackout dates, get your CDLs and hit the road. I really recommend it. He would say he was going to a second job on Friday nights, but he would get dressed up, and I mean dressed up by North Carolina dad standards. He tucked his t-shirt into his jeans. He would say he was going to work with cologne on. Do you understand what I’m saying? It’s just, like, a liar. And it would just leave me as a kid knowing that… It’s weird to know it, to know, to really, really know, and not say anything. I was scared. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what I could’ve done. I don’t know if I would’ve said anything if I had the courage, because I only saw this secret as something that could’ve torn our family apart. If my mom found out, I thought it would be over. He was fucking my homeboy TJ’s aunt. This was this story TJ told me about, and that’s hard because TJ, he didn’t want to snitch. In the hood… I didn’t wanna snitch! He told me, he was like: “Man, I came home from school the other day” “and I went to my aunt’s house” “and your pop was just there on the couch.” What? He’s like: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was just on the couch.” He saw my dad sitting on the couch. He walks in, he’s excited to see my dad. He knows my dad very well, they used to play Madden together. He knows him. He’s like: “Mr. Carmichael, what are you doing here?” And my dad, being caught, under pressure, you know what he did? He just squinted his eyes and pretended he was somebody else. I don’t know how that was supposed to work. He literally was just like: “Mr. Carmichael? I don’t know who you’re talking about.” He just grabbed his shit and got the fuck outta there. My father. And TJ was there with his aunt and he said: “Do you know who that was?” “That’s my best friend’s dad. That’s Joe Carmichael.” And she said: “Joe Carmichael?” “He told me his name was Jerry Rice.” That’s right, that’s right. My father was telling bitches his name was Hall of Fame wide receiver Jerry Rice. Do you know how absurd that is? And I got so many questions, things he won’t talk about. Did you say it? Did you act surprised? “Did you go: What? There’s another Jerry Rice?” Was it all part of the game? Did he go: “Yeah, my name is Jerry Rice. I know. I get it all the time.” How did he react? He was a wild man, he was really out there, really, really out there, just holding it in, just holding it all in. He had a double or triple bypass surgery, I guess that’s where it went. It’s fine. I’m paying for his health insurance. Don’t groan for the man. I’m keeping him alive right now. I made him tell my mom. It became too much. It’s a secret that I think I was happy keeping as a child because I thought it made sense for the family, but then it was embarrassing, first of all. Because people knew. It seems like everyone knew, but my mom, and that’s really tough because my mom is a very sweet, loving, trusting, Christian, God-fearing woman, who was just standing by her man, trusting her husband. And my dad was just, you know, he was really out there. I got really drunk in London and I was like: “It’s time.” “I’m gonna confront him about it.” And it’s hard. This was hard because this is a tough man. Again, he kept a sawed-off shotgun in the closet by the porn, and it’s not easy. It’s not easy. I was really afraid, but I remember starting the call saying: “Listen, this will all go well as long as you don’t lie to me.” And I was just almost in tears and just so emotional. “I know about everything, man. I know about Renita,” “and the kids, and the blah blah blah,.” You know what he said? He actually said: “I always knew you’d be the one.” That’s what he said. He knew. So I made him tell my mom. He waited until I was back home in North Carolina to tell her, fucking pussy. I know, that’s a pussy thing to do, right? He waited. He needed the support. He waited until I was home. And this was his big plan to tell my mom. He was like: “Okay, so you and your brother, you take her out to dinner.” “I’m gonna stay home. And then you bring her back from dinner.” “You drop her off, she’ll come in the house, and then I’m gonna tell her.” And I was like: “Okay, you want me to hide a gun behind the toilet, too?” “What kinda Godfather plan is this?” But I went along with it. It took a lot for him. That dinner was the worst dinner I’ve ever had in my entire life. I took my mom to a hibachi restaurant. Earlier that day, I had taken my nieces to see the “Trolls” movie. I love going to the movies with my nieces. It’s the best. They’re not my kids so I can just get high and do fun shit with them, it’s the best. And we’d seen the “Trolls” movie, and I don’t know if you’ve seen it, spoiler alert. The premise is that these are these colorful trolls that are singing and all types of shit, and if something devastating happens to them, they lose all of their color. I remember thinking that the whole dinner, that whole night is just looking at my mom, just looking in her eyes going: “She’s going to lose her color.” It was really, really scary. Mind you, all of this happened at a hibachi grill, so I’m looking in her eyes, but there’s a flame and we gotta clap every couple minutes. He’s juggling salt and pepper shakers. “Yay, okay. My mom is about to be fucking destroyed,” “but this is a great trick.” I get mad when I don’t get a Japanese chef. Sometimes they’re Mexican and they’re just passing them off as… Anyway. How many Japanese chefs are there in North Carolina? I’m piecing this together now. I brought her home. I dropped her off. I went to my brother’s house, and we waited by the phone very, very anxiously, me, my brother, and sister-in-law just waited, very nervous. And then my mom called. I could hear in her voice that she’d been crying. And I’ll never forget, her first words were: “I’m okay.” And he told her, begged for her forgiveness. She forgave him, she stayed. It’s kinda anti-climactic, I know. She actually made him breakfast the next morning. I’ll never forget that fact. And mostly because it’s an embarrassing fact to admit. It’s not how I thought the story would play out. It’s somehow worse. But it was out in the open. And once that was done, I was left alone feeling like a liar because I had a secret, one that I kept from my mother, and my father, and my family, my friends, and you, all of you, professionally, personally. And the secret is that I’m gay. Thank you for that. We love you. That’s very sweet. I really appreciate that. It means a lot. And I’m accepting the love, I really appreciate the love. My, kind of, ego wants to rebel against it, you clap and you’re very sweet and you’re very kind, and I appreciate it. Part of me wants to be like: “I’m fucking gay.” “I’m not fucking retarded.” Because I can feel it, bro. I can feel it. There’s a lot that happens coming out. I’m telling you guys and I see the Yankee fitteds. Some of y’all are just like: “Shit, we at a gay show, bro?” This is for HBO. You know how many n*ggers just turned the TV off saying to their girl right now “we gotta watch something else”? Like, y’all clapped. A lot of you clapped and you felt it. Some of you didn’t really wanna clap. You were just like: “We gotta do that shit. We’re in New York and there’s cameras.” That’s okay, I get it. I came out to my friends. We love you. I wanna accept that, you know? It feels like I didn’t earn it. It’s like, what did I do, suck a Dominican dude’s dick? And then y’all clapped for that, you know? Because I rebelled against that. I really did, bro, I rebelled against it my whole life. I never thought I’d come out. I didn’t think I’d ever, ever, ever come out. Probably at many points in my life I thought I’d rather die than confront the truth of that. I didn’t actually say it to people, because I know it changes people’s, some people, it changes their perception of me. I can’t control that. I’m from an environment where I was, kind of, raised to be a man, whatever that means. Didn’t expect gay babies, you know what I’m saying? You don’t see old ladies looking at a toddler being, like: “Look at his cheeks. I bet he’s gonna be a top.” “Get that baby some prep now.” I feel you, bro. I’m with you. I’m from the hood. Sometimes I’ll be in the shower like: “N*gger, I’m really gay. Fuck, dude!” You know? Shit is shocking to me, too. I didn’t know. It’s fucked up all my relationships. I had a boyfriend, me and that n*gga talked to each other like men. We’d say shit like: “I wanna suck your dick, bro.” None of that gay shit over here. Sometimes we’re making out and just whispering “no homo” to each other. Just tonguing that n*gger down being, like, “pause”. I feel you. I got mostly straight friends. Them n*ggers didn’t wanna hear that shit. My homeboy, Jamar, said… This is one of my best friends. I let him sleep on my couch when he needed it. I was always there for him. He told me he felt like he was tricked into having a gay best friend. He said: “I would’ve never signed up for this.” And I said: “N*gger, you owe me 85000 dollars.” Gotta accept the love, man. I need the love. I need it. I was really out here lying, though. That’s the thing, I came out too late, a little too late. That “it gets better shit is for the kids”. That’s not for an adult man figuring himself out. They don’t want that. Nobody wants that shit. All my friends felt like I was just duplicitous, like I was just lying to them. They didn’t know who I was. They all reacted like Sally Field in Mrs. Doubtfire. They were like: “The whole time?” They were very mad about that shit. It cleared up my relationship with all my black homegirls. My friend Ashley told me before I came out she could sense it. She was like: “Please just tell me you’re gay so this all makes sense.” I guess there are only so many times you can Facetime a woman to see if your outfit looks okay before they start having some questions. They were the toughest. Black women were the toughest people to come out to, but also the most supportive. I’m very, very thankful for all of the black ladies in my life who have supported me through that, through all of it, all of it. They’re not homophobic at all. They’re racist as a motherfucker. They don’t like that I had a white boyfriend. See? You see what I’m saying? You see that change? You can be gay, but n*gger, what? You date white boys, really? Is that a shock? Surprise, surprise. No more secrets. I’m gonna tell you all. You heard her say “wow”? That’s the sound of a Black woman that feels doubly betrayed. My sister is on that shit, too. Listen, I’m used to it. I grew up just in the hood on some real strong masculine shit. It plays out. Look, I’ll say this, I actually think that it is important to say this, I believe in the black family. I think that black men should marry black women, and have black babies and raise them to be smart, just good citizens, educated. I think that’s very, very important. A hundred percent. I think gay black men should be able to fuck whoever the fuck we want. What is the consequence? There are no black babies coming from the kind of sex I have, okay? It’s all getting flushed. It doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. The black girls, they try. I would send them pictures of my boyfriend and they would ignore that he’s white. They would just be like… I remember I sent a picture to my homegirl Tiffany and she was like: “He got some pretty glasses.” I was like: “Nah, bitch, it’s not the glasses.” “Look at the skin of my vanilla king.” I didn’t call him that. I’m hiding nothing from you guys. But your name. Now you guys are too much like my family. Let’s go back to the audience-performer relationship we had before. It’s a lot. I’m really happy we had this moment of… My brother texted me earlier today and said: “I’m missing my first special taping,” “but I know it’s necessary. I love you.” That’s very sweet. I love him. He’s there for me as much as he can be. He tries. He tries and I love him. I love him a lot. I love Joe so much. He’s all I got in a lot of this. I wish he’d try harder. I’m probably a little mad at him, a little bit mad. He’s my big brother, he’s supposed to protect me. He loves me despite, that’s the thing. It’s a little condescending, you know? It’s love with an asterisk. “I don’t really fuck with the gay shit, but I still love you.” That’s that masculine shit. I could feel the distance between us. And I hate that because no one would want that. It makes me feel unwanted. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. It’s like he’s looking down on me and accepting me despite. It’s especially hurtful just because I make so much more money than this n*gger. It’s not even close. I don’t wanna be gross and talk about money, but the difference is millions and millions of dollars. I love my brother a lot. He’s a nice guy. Nice as… I’m saying that. He has five kids who I love a lot, a lot. My nieces mean a lot to me. My oldest niece, Joliette, she’s fourteen now and I like talking to her. I think she’s so smart and she’s really beautiful. Her face reminds me of my mom’s. I have a five-year-old niece and then four-year-old twin nieces and I love them. I like spending time with them because I’m not hiding anything when I’m with them, I’m just with them. We’re just there playing. We’re just eating ice cream or they’re trying to braid my hair. They are easy to talk about it with, you know? Joliette, there’s no pre-tense. It’s harder with the older ones. I came out to my dad again. I say again, cause he forgets. It’s cognitive dissonance. I have to remind him. I have to re-up every so often. There’s a part of him that likes that I came out. I don’t think he necessarily wants a gay son, but he likes that me coming out takes some of the heat off him. Like when he first found out he was like “no, it’s cool”, “I fucked up, you fucked up”. “You gay, I did what I did… Que sera…” My father’s dream is that I’m bi. That’s all he wants. That’s all he wants, the hope, somewhere on the horizon, that I’m still getting pussy. That’s all he wants. He’s probably actually disappointed in both of me and my brother. He’s probably looking at us like: “Wait, so you gay and you only fuck your wife?” “What kinda nerds am I raising here?” I told my dad, I said: “I know two things for a fact.” “I will never be an astronaut and I’m a gay man.” And you know what my father said? He said: “Don’t give up on the moon, son.” I hid it from my mom for the most part. I was afraid that her reaction would be to just go inside with it. I love her a lot. I love her dearly. And I’m trying to describe her without sounding cliché and describe the love that I have for her. I really feel like I was one of her closest friends. I feel like I have always looked out for her. I remember on the call, the last time I talked about being gay with my Mom, she said: “I can’t go against Jesus.” And it just bothers me. I get it, cause she’s… She’s doing the best she can. I think. She’s trying to accept. I don’t know what she’s trying to do. I think she’s trying to accept it. Part of me knows she’s at home trying to pray the gay away. I get a little mad sometimes. Any time I don’t match with a dude on RIA I’m like: “I bet that bitch over there praying to God.” I feel it too. It fucks with me because this is a religion that I still believe in. I’m still a Christian and it’s taken a lot, it’s taken a whole lot because I’ve had to reconfigure God and what God is and what he means in order to accept myself. I had to kind of rebuild. And with my mom… I’m sorry. A lot of it is not really… It’s kinda happening in real time, so it’s not totally worked out. Forgive me. I think she’s… She thinks not reacting is the best reaction. I think she’s been rewarded for staying quiet, you know? It’s like with her dad, so she gives me nothing. Even hate starts to feel like love because that’s acknowledgement. It’s not just nice. It’s not pleasant, it’s real and that feels… I think that would feel better. I wish she would yell at me. I wish she would tell me to not come home. I wish she’d call me a f*ggot like my Uncle June Bug did. Yeah. It hurt my feelings, but I was like: “N*gga, your name June Bug.” I’d rather get called a f*ggot than June Bug. Anything, anything, anything. She’s nice. She’s sweet. She ignores it. The worst of her is cold, like really, really cold. I mean she’s a nice lady, but like, there’s a part of her that’s really… She can shut people out. She can ignore, she can block and like, go inside. But you gave yourself so many years. Why don’t you give her that time? I’d love to give her all the time in the world, you know? I don’t know how much time it would take. I don’t know how much time we have left. Just in general, one of my biggest fears is my parents funeral, just the thought of one them dying without saying everything, without contending, without expressing it all. And my mom’s in her early sixties and she has time and she’s… I also just don’t know if that’s when people change. They do. Maybe. I don’t know. It sounds like a joke, but like part of me feels like if I ask my mom to change this much about her is like, you ever see a 90-year-old get a college degree? On the news… And you’re like: “Bitch, now?” “Good luck in the fucking job market.” It’s not that I don’t find hope for change, but I think even if she was young, there’s a part of my mom that’s very, very cold. I know it because I have it, I can be that. That’s why my last real secret is that I’m… People think I’m nice. Nah, I’m like my Mom. Fuck everybody. Very selfish. Very, very, very, very selfish. I smile. Very polite about it. I lie to everybody face. “Yeah, we should get dinner!” You know, lies. How you lie to people? I’m afraid of not… Man, just like my Mom, is that performance of like who you’re supposed to be. Like I’m afraid of not smiling. I smile a lot. I feel like if I don’t smile, I look like the n*ggers that shot Malcom X. I know. I’m afraid of things getting awkward. Like weird. Like even this moment, I’m like “man, I should probably think of a joke”. Shit is falling apart out here. Do you wish you didn’t tell her? No, no. I stayed in the closet for a long time. I think because of my mom I felt like… It’s not like I could bring a dude home to her, so what’s the point? But as much as she believes in God, I believe in personal growth and feeling free. I feel freer. We say things like: “Sometimes you grow and you gotta leave people behind.” “People are in your life for a reason or a season.” Or these kinds of cliché sayings. It’s hard when that person is your mom. You think a lot of the guilt is your dad’s guilt? I carry some guilt. I think because I was complicit in the lie, I guess. I thought I was protecting her. I always felt like my mom’s protector. I always felt like… I’m trying to explain this concept. I always felt like… I always felt like the result of her prayers. My mom, one of her favorite Bible verses is, I think it’s Jeremiah Chapter 33: “Ask me and I will tell you things you don’t know and can’t find out.” Do you think without your mom’s approval you’ll be okay? That eventually this will be something that you’ll be okay with? I think without my mom’s approval… I’d like to believe I will be okay. I think I’ve spent a lot of time trying to supplement that love and I’m very thankful because I have some very, very good friends. Really, really good people who are there… I think it’s something that I kind of search for. When there’s distance between me and my mom, it’s the times I feel the most like an orphan. I feel abandoned. I’m sorry, that laugh was fake. I’m trying to make jokes. I wish this moment weren’t so weird, man. I think like, what do I want from her? I know she’ll see this. I don’t know what will happen. You guys got any ideas? I don’t know what else to… I’ve been trying to be very honest because my whole life was shrouded in secrets. And I figured the only route I haven’t tried was the truth, so I’m saying everything. Here’s everything. I feel okay. I’m very thankful for tonight. Rothaniel. My name’s Rothaniel. Goodnight, everybody. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very much. Thank you. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-d-elia-man-on-fire-transcript/ | Chris D’Elia: Man on Fire (2017) – Full Transcript | chris d | [♪♪♪] ♪ Fire ♪
♪ Fire ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Man on fire ♪
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♪ Man on fire ♪ Yes. [audience continues cheering] Yes. All right. Yeah. All right. Just relax. We’re fucking here, doing this in Canada. I’m happy about that. [audience cheering] Look at this crowd. Yo, all right. I know, uh… I know I look like a tired eagle. Um… [audience laughing] I don’t like how you laughed, to be honest. It’s fine… It’s fine that you laughed at it, but the way you laughed at it was shitty, you know? You laughed like you realized it. [audience laughing] Ha, ha, oh. Eagles are cool, though. They’re fucking… You know what I mean? [squawks] They do that shit. I don’t look like that eagle that would be like fucking… I look like an eagle that would be like this: Caw. You know what I mean? Like… just tired as shit, stuck in traffic: Caw. I’ve been thinking about the way I look a lot lately because I’m finally the age I look. I’m like… I always looked older than I was, but now I’m 36 and that’s a hundred percent obvious. Like… it’s… Like… Here’s what I mean “I’m the age I look.” When I say I’m 36, nobody in here goes like this: “No.” You know? [audience laughing] Like, I’m an adult. It’s fucking crazy to realize yourself as an adult, right? I mean, I’ve been an adult for a while, but I just kind of… Recently it sunk in. Here’s what happened when I realized it. I saw a picture, uh, of me and I didn’t recognize me. I just saw, like, an adult male. I literally saw me and I thought, “Fuck that guy. He looks creepy.” That’s what I thought. I was like, “I don’t like his whole story. Fuck him.” And then I realized it was me. I look like that. I look like a guy that’d fuck your girl and then be like: “That’s the game.” You know what I mean? [audience laughing] I’m sorry. I didn’t do it. I’m so fucking 36, man. When I was in my 20s I was a completely different person. I don’t… I feel girls say shit like that, actually. I don’t mean it like that. I feel like girls say dramatic shit like: “I used to be a completely different person.” [audience laughing] I feel like when a girl says it, it means she used to fuck a lot, you know? [audience laughing] I feel like when a girl says that, part of her thinks that she was someone else for real. She’ll be, “No, for real.” I used to be a little Japanese man,” or whatever. Like, “No, you weren’t.” “Oh, really? “Then explain this:” [mimics Japanese dialogue] You’re like, “Okay, I don’t wanna argue.” You were Japanese for a summer or something.” Ha, ha. I don’t mean I was a different person. I was a lot different than I am now. And I was, dude. Just take ten years ago. When I was 26 I was married, which is crazy. Which… And that’s true. But by the way, don’t do that. Uh, yeah. [audience laughing] I don’t bad-mouth marriage. You can get married and it can work out, but not if you’re 26 and a dude. That’s way too young, okay? I mean, maybe some of you are 26 and married out there, in which case, oops, but you know what I mean? It’s not gonna work out, you know? I mean, it might, but it won’t. You know what I mean? But it could, but it’s not going to, right? But some are like, “This one’s special.” And you’re wrong, but, uh… Yeah, you’re not special. You’re just somebody. [Laughs] That’s fucked up. We’re not special at all. That’s so fucked. [audience cheering] We’re not. We’re not special. We’re just people. It’s fucked up to think about, right? I know when I say that I lose some people in the audience. They’re like, “Well, yeah, I mean…” [audience laughing] “Speak for yourself, but… I’m special ’cause I bought a vest a week ago.” Or whatever the fuck you think makes you special. Of course we think we’re special. We live in a society that fucking makes us feel that way, right? We’re all individuals and shit, right? Well, we… People told us that ever since we were little kids. Your parents or if you had shitty parents, your teachers told us that shit, right? I had a teacher that used to be like, “Remember, you’re your own snowflake.” [audience laughing] As a 4-year-old, you’re like, “Okay, I’m a little bit of snowflake, I guess.” Like, that’s weird as shit. And you carry on the tradition. We fucking make… You… You got kids, you make them feel special, you lie to them. You do. You say shit like, “You can do anything you put your mind to.” What the fuck? No, you can’t. No. No, you can’t. No, you can’t. No. So many things you can’t do even if you put your mind to it. Most things you can’t do. A lot of you guys couldn’t even get here on time. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Things are hard as shit. We can all do, like, four or five things, tops. We try things, but halfway through we’re like: “Fuck it, I’m hungry.” And we quit. We give up ’cause shit is hard as fuck. I’m wrong about this? You can do anything you put your mind to. Really? Shit out of your eyes. Do that. [audience laughing] Try it. Do it. fucking put your mind to it. [grunts] Try every day for the rest of your life. [grunts] It’ll always come out of your asshole first every single time. This is you every day. “Back to the drawing board.” That’s you every day with a high dry cleaning bill ’cause you shit your pants. We’re not special. But of course you feel that way. I saw some of you walk in here tonight. You’re like, “fucking here I am.” [audience laughing] You only think that ’cause you’re you. That’s why. If you were someone else, might be like, “Fuck that guy. I don’t like his vest.” [audience laughing] That’s the problem, really, is that you’ve always only been you. That’s the problem. You’ve never been anyone else, right? So, you’re important ’cause you live inside your body. You’re looking out of your eyes. And if someone pokes you, you’re like, “fucking hey.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] “Don’t make me start a hashtag on Twitter.” [audience laughing] You know how you know that we think we’re special? Because… Here’s why. ‘Cause movies make money. That’s why. ‘Cause we think we’re special. ‘Cause we’ll sit in the theater and watch Denzel Washington and be like, “You know what?” fucking that’s me. [audience laughing] I’m fucking Denzel in my life. If my life were a movie, I will be the lead. “I’m the Denzel Washington part.” No, you’re not the fucking Denzel Washington part. What part you are? Denzel Washington walks up to you like, “Where is she?” And then you go like this, “I don’t know.” That’s you. [audience laughing] You think you’re Denzel? Think you walk into a room full of cops with a bunch of confidence and swagger? Just like “So, what do we got?” No. That’s what Denzel does. You’re the guy afterwards with a bunch of graphs and spreadsheets and you’re like, “Uh, excuse me, sir.” I… I… I have a bunch of facts that pertain to the case ahead.” And he’s like, “Shut the fuck up!” And you go: “Oh, Oh!” And the spreadsheets fly everywhere, you bitch ass. That’s you. You’re not fucking Denzel. You think you are? You think you’re the man on fire? Is that what you think? You think you walk out of a car in slow motion with the music blaring in the background? [mimicking dramatic music] No. When you get out of your car, the music stops. ‘Cause it was on the radio in your car. You don’t get out on a mission with a beautiful dove flying out of your backseat. And the wind casually flipping your Hawaiian shirt up, exposing your abs. You don’t even have abs, you fat fuck. [audience laughing] You don’t get out like: [Mimicking dramatic music] You get out and it’s like: [Mimicking wacky music] [mimics farting noise] Fat. Fat fuck. Fuck a dove. There’s a pigeon at best. And it’s fatter than you are. Can’t even get off the ground. It’s eating Doritos out of your car when you got out, you fucking piggy fat fuck. [audience laughing] [man in audience] Yeah! You’re not… You’re not Denzel. You’re not the man on fire. You think you are. A lot of you think I’m talking about other people. You are other people to other people. You think you’re the fucking man. You think that’s your movie, you fucking… You think if someone pulled a gun on you, you might, “Do it. Come on, motherfucker.” Let’s see what you got. Come on, show me the balls you got.” [shouts] No way. Neither would I. I’m not saying I’m better than that. Here’s me or anybody in here if we got a gun pulled on us. This is what we would do: [Groans, then crying] “Take my girl, take my girl. You can fuck her.” [audience chuckles] You’re not Denzel. You’re not the man on fire. Right? Life’s not your movie, that’s what I’m trying to say. Makes sense, right? You know what life is more like? We’re all extras in someone else’s movie. That’s what it’s more like, right? And you guys believe me. You’re like, 70, 75 percent there. You’re like: “Well, yeah, I mean… Chris D’Elia is right, “but… also, ha, ha… I’m a little bit Denzel.” Right? You know what that is? That’s your ego. That’s… I have that, too. I have that ego. You live life like it’s your movie because you don’t wanna be the bitch-ass extra, right? I certainly… I orchestrate my life that way. I feel like I’m the lead of my movie right now. I’m on-stage yelling into a microphone at you guys. I’m like, “It’s like this. It’s like that.” You guys are all looking back at me like, “Yeah, he’s right.” It feels like it’s my movie, but it’s not. In real life, the movie is probably about a couple arguing. And the girl gets so mad that she storms out. And this is just a scene at the Vogue in fucking Vancouver, Canada. [audience cheering] Yeah. I’m not even Chris D’Elia in this movie. I’m comedian number six. [audience laughing] But you try, right? You try ’cause you have to. You try to make life yours, right? Life throws what it throws you and you roll with the punches. That’s what happened to me, you know? I met a girl and I hung out with her for too long, and then… Then I loved her. By the way, that’s what love is. That’s what it is. Hanging out with someone for too long. That’s what it is. It’s true. Fuck these movies. They glorify love. Two people in the rain, looking at each other, not giving a shit it’s raining ’cause they’re holding eye contact. Right? They’re just like, “I fucking love you.” Ah. You’re my soul mate. I’m so lucky I found you. Why am I the one that’s so lucky? “I can’t belie… I miss you when I blink.” [audience laughing] “Where did you go?” “Oh, I was just blinking.” That’s not what people say as it starts raining. You know what people say? No matter how much in love they are, no matter how much eye contact, this is what we say: “Hey. [Spits] Ah. Let’s go inside.” That’s what we say. Love is not that certain. If I could pick two words that love is, it’s right here: “I guess.” [audience chuckles] Love is “I guess.” You find yourself your “I guess” person and have an “I guess” family. That’s what you do. And then you “I guess” your way all throughout life. That’s what you do. You say, “Yeah, let’s get married, I guess, and then have kids, I guess”, and feed them, I guess, uh… every day, I guess. And take a trip if we have the money, I guess. And when I’m sick, make me soup if you’re in the mood, I guess. And then when you die, I’ll be right by your side. “I guess. I don’t know. That’s so far away. At this point, I hope I go first.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Love is “I guess.” If you’re sure you’re not in love, that’s not what love is. Think about the people in your life that knew they were in love. Think about those people. “I fucking love her.” Hundred percent know it. I knew it as soon as I saw her. You can’t convince me otherwise. She’s so easy to be around. “She’s basically me.” Right? And then a year later you’re like, “How is she?” “Oh, that bitch was crazy.” [audience laughing] ‘Cause that’s not love. That’s The Notebook. That’s Jerry Mc-fucking-Guire, okay? And those movies ended early. They were two hours, not 40 fucking years. You know I’m right. That’s why you’re laughing. ‘Cause you’ve been in love or are now, and know that love is up and down. And up and down and up and down and down more and down and up a little bit, but then down, down, down. Down, down, not up, down, down, down. And you’re both stuck down there and like, “At least we have each other.” That’s what love is. And then you meet other couples down there and you, like, do dinners with them or some shit. Fuck those dinners. A lot of you guys are probably on those dinners right now. [audience laughing] A lot of you guy… Look, sometimes people think what I’m saying is negative because I’m saying love is shitty. But that’s not negative that love is shitty. You know why? ‘Cause love is shitty because it fucking has to be. You know why? Because it’s awesome, too. That’s how everything in life is. Everything that’s good is equally that bad. That’s yin and yang of life. Take anything you like. It’s equally that bad. Kit Kats. You love Kit Kats, right? Eat them up. “Oh, man, I love these Kit Kats.” Oh, they’re so chocolatey. Break me off another one. “I love these Kit Kats. Why are they so good?” They are, until: [Mimics trumpeting sound] That’s the bad part. That’s the bad part. You’re sitting on the toilet, thinking: “Oh, man, I can’t ever eat any more Kit Kats ever again.” It’s the same thing as love. Chipotle, Chipotle, Chipotle. Love, love, love. Love is Chipotle. Dude, this isn’t even a comedy show. It’s a fucking TED Talk, okay? [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Oh, fuck it. Love is shitty. And that’s okay. Sometimes if… If you’re with somebody, you go to sleep shitty and wake up shitty. And by the way, you sleep shitty, too. Sometimes. If you don’t wake up every two hours and think something like “did this bitch turn off the humidifier?” that’s not love. And then you wake up with chapped lips and blame each other. That’s love. You’re like, “Yo, did you turn this shit off? What the fuck?” You did… My… Side of my mouth is cracking now… when I open it like that. The bad side. What the fuck? You didn’t turn it off. You didn’t turn it off. Who came in here? Humidifier fairy came and did that shit? “My mommy came over at 2:30 in the morning and did that?” [audience laughing] That’s what love is. Know what love is? If I could distill love down into one moment, this right here would be the moment of love right here. “fucking move.” [audience laughing] Move over. Look at the other side of the bed. Look at that area. Look at that… Stop gazing into my fucking eyes for two seconds and look at the other area. And then look at this zero area I’ve got over here. Look at that vast area. They shot Mad Max on the other side of you. Tom Hardy’s over there on the front of a vehicle like: [Groans] And I’m over here with my leg and my dick flopped off the bed. Explain that. Explain why my dick is flopped off the bed. They shot Mad Max and Dances With Wolves on the other side of you. Kevin Costner’s over there with a water buffalo just like: [Speaking in Lakota] He’s saying that. [audience laughing] Every time you turn, you take the covers. You know that? Every time you turn, you take it. You take it. I’m there and you’re sleeping, but you’re dreaming. ‘Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve them.’ And you take it and you take it and you take it. And you do a billion revolutions a night. You take it, you take it. And when you come back, you leave it. You take it and then leave it over there. You take it and then leave it. You’re like a shitty fucking typewriter. You’re a typewriting-ass bitch. And I’m over here with no covers. A frigid, freezing cold dick and my mouth is bleeding. “Thank you, bitch.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [laughs] That’s what love is. Know what love is? This is what love is. When you’re on an airplane with your girl or whoever and they’re next to you and you have a thought like: “Does she really think that the armrest is for her?” fucking come on. It’s my turn a little bit sometimes. Fuck. Come on. You know what? Put your fucking head against the side of the plane. I gave you the window seat for a reason. Use it. Well, I’m trying to be fucking chivalrous. God. [audience laughing] “Time to kick back and relax.” Right? You’re freezing, but she’s got your hoodie balled up, using it as a pillow. And you gotta be happy about it. You’re like, [chattering] “Ah, I hope you’re comfortable.” And you’re, like, going to visit her family in, like, Dallas or some shit and then she was like, “Do you wanna go because you wanna go… or do you wanna go because you know that I want you to go?” [audience laughing] “You know what? You’re asking me to lie to you.” I wanna go ’cause I wanna go. How’s that? Yeah. I don’t even care if you’re going at this point. I am. Uh-huh. Can we stay with your grandma? And is she 93 years old? Can I not understand a word coming out of her mouth? And does she only wear nightgowns even at 3 p.m.? “And are her bathrooms weird as shit? [gasps] Sign me up.” – Aw. [Chuckles] [audience cheering] Dude, bro, I’ll get so mad on the plane. Like… And I’ll fucking… I’ll make myself hot. I’ll turn on the a… Fuck that air, the little air-conditioning, the… The little bitch-ass air. Make a bigger vent. Make a bigger vent. It’s a hole. Use less material. You’re using more material to be a big fucking dickhead on purpose. Make a little… Gotta turn it on. It’s like a fucking titty. You know what I mean? You turn it on. It’s not even cool air. It’s just loud air. You turn it on and it’s, like [hissing] fucking rocketed in my eye. Four thousand miles, please. Just in this circumferenced area. Just in this area. This is where I’m hot, actually. Right here, I’m freezing already, okay? But here, I’m tropical. fucking dry out my contact lens, please. When I get to the Dallas airport, I wanna walk around like this. That’s how I wanna walk around. I want people to think they see Fetty Wap in baggage claim. That’s what I want. That’s what love is. Walking around the Dallas airport with three bags and one good eye. And she’s skipping in front of you with no bags and two eyes. And you told her to pack one bag. And you packed one bag, but somehow you’re holding three! [audience laughing] That’s not what the man on fire does. [audience laughing] Whatever. So, you know. I asked her to marry me. [Laughs] [audience laughing] I mean, I didn’t mean to… Well, I meant to. I meant to… I meant… I meant to say the words, you know? But… I don’t know, now that I have some retrospect on it, it’s ten years later, I think the reason why I did it is because I thought it was the right thing to do, you know? It was an idea that I had, right? Like, my parents are still married. Now, even. They’re my role models, right? But I didn’t mean it when I said it from… Didn’t mean it from the bottom of my heart, right? When you ask somebody to marry you, you gotta fucking mean that shit. You gotta hunker down and just fucking, you know… [chuckles] “Hey.” Right? “Just want you to know… life can be crazy sometimes. But you, you make sense of it all.” Or whatever. Whatever Creed song you wanna rip off, you know? But… [audience laughing] I didn’t ask from the bottom of my heart, you know? I didn’t. I just not… I said it with my mouth. [Chuckles] Can’t do that. You can’t ask somebody to marry you from your fucking mouth. Just fire it out there like, “Meh. You wanna get married?” – You know what I mean? [audience laughing] Not like ordering a bagel. You can order a bagel from your mouth. Doesn’t matter, right? You can just be like, “Meh, what bagels you got, sir? It doesn’t matter if I don’t like it. I’ll just order another one.” That’s not what marriage is, right? To further my point, don’t order a bagel from the bottom of your heart. That’d be very weird. Different feelings, different situations. Right? Like, if you walked into a bagel place and you were, like, fucking, “Hey. [Chuckles]” Excuse me, bagel guy. I want you to… [chuckles] I want you to know your bagels are my everything. “So, can I have an everything bagel?” Right? Corny, that’s my whole point. [audience cheering] So, we did it. We got married and I… But I didn’t… I didn’t real… I don’t know. I knew something was up. I didn’t know I didn’t wanna be married, but something was up. I was too young to realize my own emotions. Like, I was frustrated, right? Like, I was… I’d take it out on wrong things ’cause I didn’t know myself. Like, I’d be eating a sandwich and be like, “Know what? Fuck turkey.” Or some shit. She’d be, “What’s wrong?” I’d be like, “You don’t know me!” I was becoming a dick. Here’s how I knew I didn’t wanna be married. This kept happening. Didn’t realize then, but I realize now, all right? It’s very symbolic. You know when you live with someone and walk into a room and they’re in the room and it ends up scaring the shit out of you, right? Though it’s the one thing that should be in that room, ’cause it’s their room, too, you’re not thinking, you’re doing something else. You walk in and it scares you. That kept happening, okay? I kept walking in different rooms she would be in and getting the shit scared out of me. I’d walk in and be like, “What the fuck?” Whoa, where did you come from? How did you get here?” She’d be like, “I fucking live here.” You’re like, “I know. I get scared because deep down… “Deep down I don’t want you here. Deep down I don’t want you here.” Whatever. Mistakes are scarier than monsters. [audience laughing] [laughing] That’s the other thing, right? Don’t wanna let yourself get scared. Not as a young man, right? Like, not in your 20s. Don’t wanna… You wanna be the man, right? Like, for instance, if somebody scares your friend and they go, “Boo.” And he goes: [Gasps, then shouts] That dude’s a bitch, right? Like, he’s not gonna be in your army. I mean, you don’t have an army, but if you did, and some shit went down, you’d give him the flute. And he’d be the bitch ass in the back… just: “Don’t shoot me. It’s not… I’m just here for morale.” Right? [mimics bullet whizzing] “That’s not fair.” [mimics bullets whizzing] That’s against the rules. “Shoot the guys with the guns.” On the other hand, if you scare your friend and you’re like: “Boo.” And he’s like, “Come on, motherfucker, let’s do this.” Give him a gun. He should be out there guarding the flute bitches, right? I didn’t wanna be a flute bitch. Not in front of my girl. There’s no fucking way I was that secure in myself. There’s no way. So, I’d walk in and I’d get scared she was in the room. But I couldn’t let her see that. So, I’d immediately cover it up and just get mad at her for even being in the room. I’d walk in and just, “Hey. Ow. What the fuck are you doing?” Look at the way you’re sitting with knees up. You a gargoyle? “Fuck off.” [audience laughing] So… now I’m 36. It’s ten years later. I’m a man. Can’t fucking do something ’cause I think it’s the right thing to do or it’s… It’s what I should do. Gotta do something so I… ‘Cause it’s me. I’m exactly that guy in that picture I saw. Thirty-six-year-old fucking… A man, right? But I vowed recently not to pretend anymore because of that. Like… And I’ve been good at it. I took a stand recently. Here’s something I don’t wanna pretend to do anymore. A lot don’t agree, but I don’t wanna pretend to wanna go to your party anymore. I don’t wanna go, okay? I’ve been to so many parties, had fun zero times, all right? Don’t wanna go anywhere where I’m in a conversation and I catch myself going like this: “Ah.” I don’t wanna go. [audience laughing] People are boring as shit at parties. They’ll just say shit that they think is interesting, not giving a shit about you. I was at a party once and this guy looked me in the eyes and says this: “Hey, do you know anything about front lawns?” [audience laughing] ‘Cause I was thinking about redoing my front lawn, you know? “Might just redo the whole thing.” Ah. “I’m gonna rip my dick off in the corner. Yeah. No, it’ll hurt,” but at least I’ll have to deal with something else immediately, right? Hey, I’d love to sit and chat about your fucking lawn, but… gotta deal with this dick situation. “It’s off.” [chuckles] [audience laughing] I don’t wanna go to your party. I don’t wanna pretend to wanna go. Here’s something I definitely don’t wanna pretend I wanna do. I don’t wanna pretend to wanna go to your fucking birthday party. No. I don’t care. What did you turn, 28? Bye. Do it by yourself. Don’t care. I’m Jehovah’s Witness from now on. For real. I’m not celebrating. If you’re 9, have a birthday party. That’s okay. But if you’re 10, get a job immediately. That’s what I think. You go to work. And you don’t want to. That’s the world I wanna live in. That’s… Where 10-year-olds have to go to work. I wanna see them fucking just like, “Hey, guys. Sorry, I’m late for work.” Like… “I only got… Sorry, I only got this many hours of sleep last night.” [audience laughing] Hey, guys. First order of business. [chuckles] First order of business. Need to get these products to upper management, pronto. Hello, Stacy, can you please bring in my Capri Sun? It’s going to be a long one. [audience laughing] And can you put the straw in the back, please? I never know how to do that. Hey, guys. Before we get started… where is the employee bathroom? “I got to go caca now.” If you’re 9, have a birthday party. That’s your last one. Okay? My buddy came up to me this year and he goes like this. First of all, he’s 42, okay? Forty-two. As in, almost dead. Okay? And he comes up to me and he goes like this, “Hey, man. Guess what.” First of all, don’t do “guess what” to me, okay? I’m 36. It’s not cute anymore. What am I supposed to be like? Oh, ah! “No, don’t give me any hints. I wanna figure it out myself.” It could be anything. If you do “guess what,” from now on this is my guess. Purple? That’s what it is. If it’s not purple, fucking tell me immediately. Save time. We’re both adults. Okay? The guy goes like this, “Uh, no, not purple. Um…” I’m turning 42 soon. “You gonna come to my birthday party?” In my heart I’m already like, “Fuck this guy” for even asking, all right? But in my head, as I’m trying to mull a polite way to decline the invitation, I realize I’m already going like this in the guy’s face, “No.” Right in his face. “No…” It felt good. It felt like the real me was coming out. It felt freeing like, “No.” It felt like I sang it, for real, right in his… ♪ [singing] No, I won’t go ♪ It felt like No: The Musical was about to start. ♪ I am not going ♪ People in the back: ♪ He won’t go He won’t go ♪
♪ He won’t go ♪
♪ I’m not going ♪ “Hey, Chris, you going to his party?” “No.” “Parties ain’t for me no more.” [scatting] ♪ Maybe in my 20s ♪ Some girl in a spotlight alone just like, ♪ I wish he’d come ♪ [sighs] ♪ Meet me somewhere else ♪ Meet… [chuckles] ♪ Meet me somewhere else ♪ I love when they hit the same note twice at the end. ♪ Meet me somewhere… ♪ [chuckles] ♪ Else ♪ That’s such a “fuck you,” you know? It really is. You want that extra high note. But some motherfuckers don’t give that shit to you. You know what you want. ♪ Meet me somewhere el… ♪ That’s what you want, right? But some dudes are like, ♪ Meet me somewhere el… ♪ And they’re like, “Fuck you. You don’t get that last note.” The balls you’ve gotta do to do that shit. [laughing] I don’t wanna go to your party, dude. What the fuck? Birthday party? Come on. I gotta get you a gift? Why? What happened? What? Nothing. You just waited. That’s all that happened. You didn’t die. And I gotta, like, buy you a VCR or some shit? That’s what I get everybody every year from now on. You’re getting a fucking VCR if you invite me. “Yeah, did you want that, motherfucker? I bet you did at one point.” Ah, man. Fuck it. That’s another thing I don’t wanna pretend to have to do, is… Is like the gift that you got me on my birthday. Right? If you came to my party and you gave me a gift that I didn’t like, know me better, friend. That’s your fault, right? ‘Cause that’s about the other person. Gotta make sure they feel okay about the gift they got, right? You gotta open it up like, “What? No way.” How did you know I wanted this specific thing even though I never said it out loud, even when I was alone? “And also, I don’t.” [audience laughing] Thought about no-gift thing ’cause here’s what happened when I turned 35, okay? My buddy bought me the gayest gift you could buy another heterosexual male. You know what he bought me? He bought me pants. Yeah. [audience laughing] Think about this. How could you be a grown man and buy another grown man pants without seeming like you suck all the dicks, okay? Here’s the gay part. They fit fantastic. [audience laughing] I don’t even know how he knew my size. I don’t even know my own size. I always have to try pants on. This dude literally eyeballed my hips. And he was like, “Looks like a 33.” And he fucking nailed it, okay? That’s gay. It’s gay. And by the way, that’s what I mean. I mean, it’s gay. I mean, it’s gay, all right? Saying it twice ’cause I wanna clarify. I want you guys to know that I mean it, okay? ‘Cause people get real sensitive when you use that term. Right? They’ll be like, “You know what? That’s not cool to use that word in a derogatory manner.” Yeah, I 100 percent agree with you. I don’t mean it in a derogatory way. I mean, it’s gay like fucking a guy, okay? [audience laughing] Buying your friends pants that fit is gay like fucking a guy. And that’s okay. Fuck guys all day long, yippee. But it’s gay like that, okay? It’s so gay, I think. [audience cheering] I actually think it’s gayer than fucking a guy. I do. I do. I think buying your friend’s pants that fit and wrapping them and waiting to give it to him is way gayer than just fucking him. I think that. I a hundred percent made up my mind. I’ve thought about this a lot, obviously. You can’t convince me otherwise. You know why it’s gayer to buy your friend’s pants that fit than it is to fuck him? Because fucking a guy is easy. That’s why it’s less gay. It’s so easy. I mean, you could fuck a guy even if you’re not gay. Relax. You don’t have to, but… you could, right? Like, you can’t build a restaurant if you’re not a fucking architect, right? Like, here, look, let me explain. Um… If I held a gun to your head… Don’t need a skill set is what I’m saying. You don’t need a skill set to fuck a guy, right? If I held a gun to your head and I said, “fucking, are you an architect?” And… [audience laughing] Okay, wait. And you were like, “No,” right? And I was like, “Well, you better build me a restaurant or I’m gonna blow your fucking brains out.” You’d have to be like, “Tell my family I love them.” [audience laughing] But if I held that same gun to your head and I said, “Are you gay?” And you were like, “No.” And I said, “Well, you better fuck a guy” or I’m gonna blow your fucking brains out.” You’d be like, “Where is he?” [audience laughing] That’s how easy it is. That’s how easy… That’s why it’s less gay in my head. Like, fuck… But, dude, buying a friend’s pants that fit and wrapping them… and knowing the size, that’s not easy. That’s difficult. That takes time. Gay time, okay? It’s a gay adventure. It’s a gay fucking errand. There’s levels of gayness to it. Like, look. Look, okay, I’m not gay, all right? Never had sex with a guy even once. [chuckles] Sounds funny to say it like that. Still means the same thing. But… [laughing] However, sometimes I’m so tired and so lazy that if somebody came up to me and they were like: “Hey, man… do you wanna buy your friend’s pants” that fit and wrap them and give them to him at his party for his birthday… or… [audience laughing] “Do you wanna just, like, fuck this guy right here?” I might be like: [Grumbles] “I mean, he’s right here. I don’t have to go to the car for that.” It’s so easy and that’s why it’s less gay. Dude, it’s so easy to fuck a guy. Could practically fuck a guy by mistake. That’s how… Not practically. You actually could. It’s very unlikely, don’t worry. But… I don’t mean the mistake where you’re, “Sorry, I thought it was a woman.” I mean, like, literally a mistake like… How? Okay, here’s how. Um… All right, so… if you were to walk into a room with your hard dick already out, okay? So far, every dude’s on board, right? Uh… [chuckles] And… And in the room, the floor is really slippery, okay? [chuckles] And on the floor there’s one dude face down… and he’s just spreading his asshole. Even if you slip, you’ll probably catch yourself. You’ll be like, “Whoa, that was a close one.” But there’s a chance you could fall the other way and be like, “What? No.” [shouts] Boink. Whoopsie. You fucked him by mistake, okay? But there is no way in hell that you can slip and fall and buy your friend’s pants that fit. [audience laughing] No matter how wet Macy’s is, it just can’t happen. It’s impossible. It won’t happen. [audience cheering] You can’t. You can’t be like, “Whoa, hey, wait a minute.” Those are cool pants. Do you have them in a size 33? Oh, I’ll take them. Thanks. “Hopefully I slip all the way over to your Gift Wrapping Department.” So, the pants fit good, you know? And, uh… But here’s what happened. So, my buddy called me, uh… who bought me the pants, he called me two weeks after. And he called me up and was like, “Hey, man, wanna get a cup of coffee?” And I was like, “Fuck, yeah, I’ll drink that shit right now, player.” I’m a G about my coffee. I don’t give a fuck, man. [Chuckles] “Put your fucking caffeine where your mouth is, coz.” [audience laughing] So, I went to go meet him for coffee, right? And as soon as I hung up the phone, I left my house. As soon as I got to my own door, I realized I wasn’t… I wasn’t wearing the pants that he got me, okay? I didn’t want the first time for him to see me since he got me the pants to show up and not be wearing the pants, right? ‘Cause then he would spot me and be like, “Hey, what’s up? Aw.” And then that made me be like: [Groans] So, I changed pants. I literally put on a cuter outfit to meet a dude, okay? That’s gay as shit. So… Now I got the pants on and, um, I show up to the coffee shop and I see him and he sees me and he goes like this, “Hey, what’s up?” Oh! And that made me go: [Shouts] Fuck this asshole. He’s controlling my life with pants. It’s pants control. So, now I’m uncomfortable. I’m like, “Let’s just get this over with,” right? So, we get the coffee, uh, we walk out to the patio. I’m with the dude who bought me the pants. I’m wearing the pants. We’re having a conversation, coffee. And as we’re doing this, a girl walks out of the coffee shop and she spots me and she actually says: “You know what? Those are some really cool pants.” I’m like, “Oh, cool.” At least I get to talk to a girl about it, right? My buddy leans in and says, “You know, I bought them for him.” [audience laughing] That’s way gayer than just fucking him. That’s what happens when you pretend. That’s what happens. Right? You get in a situation you’re not prepared to deal with ’cause you’re not being you. That’s what I did. When he bought me pants and I opened them, I should’ve said how I felt. I should’ve been like, “How did you know my size, you fucking weirdo?” [audience laughing] Instead I was like, “Oh, cool pants. I’ll wear them next time I see you.” I played the game and then the game played me. [audience laughing] Yup. But it’s hard, though, it is. It’s hard to not pretend. It’s hard to know who you are in any given situation and not pretend ever, right? Like, we all do it. We all pretend in moments. We all think we matter more than we actually do. Right? We all think we’re special, but we’re not. Right? You know the worst people nowadays that think they matter more than they actually matter, hands-down? People that work out and won’t shut the fuck up about it. I cannot stand that shit. Bang, bang, bang, click, click. Reload. Bang, bang, bang, I can’t stand it. Work out, go home. You don’t matter that much, okay? All this inspirational culture that’s going around, this fitspo lifestyle that they’re trying to convince you of. Who are you inspiring? That’s what I want to know. Right? These dudes will be like, “You know what? I used to weigh 90 pounds”, but now, through hard work, determination, perseverance, never backing down, not stopping, remaining focused, never veering off track, not looking over my shoulder, never dying, no days off, “now, I got bigger muscles.” Okay. You know what? Eat dicks. Okay? [audience cheering] Eat all the dicks you see around. If you’re like that, if you see a dick, you eat that shit. [mimics chewing sounds] Like that. Like a log trimmer, just: [Grunting] With dick chips spinning out of your mouth: [Grunting] Throw a dick up and just [grunts] swallow it whole. Where there’s a dick outline in your neck, muscle it down. That’s your new workout, okay? Eat dicks, of course. Like, you’re not really doing much, okay? Who the fuck are you inspiring? You’re not running for political office. You’re not joining the Army. All you do is move weight around and eat extra chicken, right? [audience laughing] You like protein? Cool. There’s protein in my dick. Eat it. [audience laughing] You work hard? Congratu-the fuck-lations. I work hard, too. I don’t hashtag it “blessed” all day long. Eat my dick. These guys are so self-involved. It’s so fucking annoying. They’re ridiculous. They’ll take a selfie in the mirror and be like: “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” [audience laughing] No. Not really, man. You know why? You’re not a warrior. That’s why. Okay? You just, like, have a job at the movie theater or some shit. Keep your friends real close. See movies with them. It works out fine. You don’t rule the nation. [laughing] fucking, they’re ridiculous, these guys. They’re just ridiculous. “You know, I… Well, I’ve… Hey.” Just so you know… life is a journey, okay? It’s not about the destination. “It’s about the tools you use… and the path you take.” [audience laughing] Oh, really? I didn’t know I was dealing with the Dalai fucking Lama, dude. “You know, don’t be afraid to…” [laughing] “Don’t ever be afraid to reach your dreams.” Oh, cool, man. “Don’t ever fucking be afraid to make your dreams a reality…” and succeed, you know? I used to be a shell of a man, but now… Now I know exactly what’s inside that shell. [audience laughing] All equal parts that make me me. “Don’t ever be afraid of being you.” You know what my favorite one is? “Just be you. Everyone else is taken.” Fuck that shit. [audience cheering] “Hard work, determination, perseverance, never backing down, not stopping,” remaining focused, never quitting, fighting the desire, but also following the desire, never looking over your shoulder, fucking, army of one, no days off. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Buildings, robots, carpet, iPa…” You’re just saying words, okay? You like words? Here’s more. Eat my dick. There’s three. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [chuckling] Like, who the fuck are you inspiring? That’s what I wanna know. I wanna… That’s what I wanna know. I wanna know what guy sees that guy… and then gets inspired. Right? Like, what guy sees a poster with, like, a whale’s tail breaching out of the ocean and the word “perseverance” under it? – Hmm. [audience laughing] Let’s think hard about that. What guy sees a bunch of birds lined up on a tree branch and thinks “teamwork”? [audience laughing] Like, what guy scrolls through that Instagram post and is like: [Chuckles] Whoa. You ever think about that? You ever think about perseverance? You ever think about that? You ever think about taking no days off? You ever think about how you could do more if you didn’t take any days off? Ever think about how you’re an army of 1? ‘Cause you’re not more than other people? You ever think about how Rome wasn’t built in a day? You ever think about maybe it took a few days to build Rome? Nobody. You’re not… You’re not inspiring anybody. You know why? You know how I know? ‘Cause never in the history of man has any dude looked at another guy’s fit body and been like: “Wow, that guy’s in shape. I’m gonna create Microsoft.” That’s never fucking happened, okay? So, eat dicks. See, that’s what happens. That’s what happens when you lie to kids. That’s what happens. When you look at kids and you say: “You can do anything you put your mind to.” You get the motherfucker that grows up and believes that. He’s like, “fucking time to change the world.” Here we go. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta. Let’s cure world hunger. Let’s try to cure world hunger. Here we go. [grunting] “Less people hungry yet?” [audience laughing] Don’t lie to kids. Right? I mean, I don’t know. That’s how I feel, though. Fuck that. I don’t have any kids yet, but when I have my first kid and that dude comes out, no way I’m saying, “You can do anything you put your mind to.” No way. Gonna look him in the eyes. First thing I say is: “You’re gonna fail a lot. Aah!” And run away. “Life’s full of hardships, buddy. [chuckles] Your first hardship is try and find me.” Pyoom! And just fucking… [audience laughing] [chuckles] fucking, pyoom, so fast that papers are floating to the ground like in the cartoons. I arrive at my next destination like: [Mimics vibration sounds] [laughing] [mimics sad muted trumpet sounds] What do I know? I’m saying don’t lie to kids. I have zero kids. I have zero boys, zero girls. That equals zero. I’ve been thinking about it, why I don’t have kids… you know, yet. And I think, really, honestly, the answer is if I’m being honest like I said I would, I wouldn’t pretend, and… But more importantly, if I’m being honest and not pretending the reason why I don’t have kids yet is because I’m scared, but more importantly, it’s because I’m selfish, man. For real. Like, I mean, but that’s the thing. You could be who you want when you don’t have kids. It doesn’t matter that much, right? Like, if you have a kid looking up at you that… As a role model, you gotta fucking take charge and do shit, right? But I don’t have to. Like, a lot of you guys fucking have kids at home, right? And you left them. You were like, “Bye, guys. We’ll be back later,” you know? And they were like, “Okay, can’t wait to see you when you get back.” Right? You’re thinking about them when you’re laughing. You’re like: “Ha, ha.” In your head you’re like, “I have a kid,” you know? That doesn’t leave you. For me, I’m selfish as shit. I leave the house, I don’t fucking have to tell anybody. Sometimes I pretend. I’m like, “Bye, guys, see you later. Ha, ha. You don’t exist.” I leave. [audience laughing] Having kids changes who you are. It doesn’t mean it changes who you are for the worse. It changes who you are for the better. But still, fuck that shit. I don’t wanna be better. I wanna be me. You can do… Be whatever you want. In my heart, honestly, I’m fucking cold sometimes, and it’s okay. Bad mood? I don’t have to watch myself ’cause I don’t have a kid looking up at me, right? It doesn’t matter. I could be looking at the guy at the gym. “You don’t matter that much. And fucking, no, I won’t come to your 42nd birthday party.” In my heart, I’m gangster as shit sometimes. Sometimes I look outside of my house in my neighborhood and I think, in this voice: “You know what? The streets is real out here.” And I know it to be true in my heart, okay? If I had a little kid looking up at me every single day, that would change who I was. Just like, “Hey, Dad, what are we going to do today?” “Yo, man, why you looking at me with them angel eyes, player?” Trying to keep the streets real. And you’re softening a motherfucker up, dawg. Fuck y’all, man. Making me emotional. Go to your room, player. Now. “fucking hard as shit up in this bitch.” Having kids changes who you are, for the better. Fuck it. It happened to my buddy. He used to be my best friend. Now he’s a dad. That’s how selfish I am. I can’t even have a best friend dad. I can’t. I get jealous of the kid for real. I’ll be like, “You’ve known me for nine years. She’s 4.” How do you explain your loyalty?” [audience laughing] He’ll be, “I took her to the park.” I’ll be, “You never took me to the park.” “I would… I would have driven you, so…” It’s interesting. It’s really interesting. Really. “I’m not mad, I just… I’m interested. I’m not mad.” Yeah, man, he had this fucking little girl. This little daughter girl. This little fucking… She’s 4 years old. They live in Texas, so, I haven’t met them yet. Right? Met them recently, but not when he called me up ’cause he… I live in L.A. He called me and was like, “Hey, enough’s enough.” I want you to meet my baby girl. She’s 4 already and… “We’re coming out to L.A. Are there hotels we could stay at?” And I just spoke immediately. I said, “No, stay at the house.” I didn’t even mean it. I just said it ’cause, like, I heard my dad say it once growing up, you know? You’re like, “I’m an adult now.” I even heard my dad’s East Coast accent come out. I was like, [in Italian accent] “Yeah, guys, come on over.” [in normal voice] It was like a fucking Olive Garden commercial or something. [in Italian accent] “Yeah, when you’re here, you’re family. Come on over.” There’s unlimited breadsticks at the house.” [in normal voice] And they came over and that fucking… That… I mean, that little girl was directly trying to affect how real I keep it on these streets, you know? She was looking at me all cute and soft and shit. First of all, her name is Anika, which is like, that’s so cute. Fuck that, right? I’m like, “How am I supposed to keep it real and call this girl Anika?” Fuck that. I’m gonna call her Rachel. That’s a regular-ass name.” [audience laughing] But you can’t call a 4-year-old girl a different name. That would fuck her up for life. Imagine her talking to her dad later on just like, “Hey, Dad, excuse me.” I have a question for you. Hey, Dad, excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad, can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad, how come your friend that looks like the guy from Sleepy Hollow, why does he…? [audience laughing] “Dad, excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad.” Why do little girls grab their pussies from behind? That’s so weird. Don’t go weird like I made them do it. That was Jesus Christ our Lord and savior that made them do that, okay? If he did anything, he did everything, including that, all right? He did it, like, on the eighth day or some shit. “And on the eighth day, little girls will grab their pussies from behind.” And even… And even the disciples were like, “Whoa, already?” Like, we can do that later.” He was like, “It’s what I thought of now. No order. We’ll get them all done.” And then he made lakes or whatever. “Hey, Dad. Excuse me, Dad.” I have a question for you. Hey, Dad. Can’t you see I have a question for you? Can I talk to you for a second? Can you be done with that right now? Hey, Dad. How come your friend that looks like a cool, young Bob Saget, why does he…? And he knows it. Why does he…? And he hates when people say that on Twitter. Why does he…? [audience laughing] Why does he call me Rachel? My name is Anika. Am I Rachel, too? I want to buy a bunny and then kill it. [audience laughing] “Anika loves bunnies, but Rachel doesn’t.” You know what I mean? That’s how that probably happens. [audience laughing] [audience member whistles] So… [chuckles] Thank you. So, now I gotta call this girl Anika against my better gangster judgment. They showed up, man. They showed up and stayed with me. ‘Cause I invited them. That’s how that works. And they showed up. And when they showed up, uh, my buddy, or Ryan, the dad, my ex-best friend, he walked in first. And this is how. He walked into my property and he’s walking in like thi… This is just how he walks in. He goes like this: “Hey, man.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What the fuck? Is a magic show about to start?” I have no idea what’s going on, right? But then I realize very quickly that he’s doing it like that ’cause little Anika is hiding behind his leg and he’s playing the dad part and he asks… He’s asking me… He asks me, he says, “Hey, man. By the way, have you seen Anika?” [audience laughing] And I’m like, “This motherfucker. Are you serious right now?” You and I both know where that bitch is. Come on, dawg. I’m trying to keep this shit real, man. Don’t make me eat your bullshit dad life. “Fuck y’all, man.” Didn’t give a shit how real I tried to keep it. He just tried to out-dad my realness. He just did it harder. He was like, “fucking, come on.” [audience laughing] And I’m stuck. I’m like, “Fuck, man. Come on, dawg.” This your life, motherfucker. “I’ve been looking around for her all day, dawg.” [audience laughing] That’s when she goes like this: “Here I am.” I’m like, “I knew where you were, bitch!” You’re not… You’re holding on to his leg. I can see your little fucking baby hands. “Disrespecting the hiding game on my property.” I’m back to pretending. I’m pretending again. Thirty-six, pretending I don’t know where this little girl is. I’m okay with calling her Anika, right? They stay with me for a week. You know how shit in life shapes you and it changes you and makes you who you are, right? When you’re a kid, you get a bunch of… When you’re Anika’s age, you got a bunch of moments that shape you and make you who you are. When you’re an adult, don’t happen much ’cause you are who you are. But they do happen, right? Maybe I’ve had four or five in my adult life. I had one while they were staying with me at the end that fucked me up, all right? It was where… It made me realize that, you know, I’m not Denzel and I’m not the man on fire. Life isn’t my movie and maybe that’s okay, all right? So, here’s what happened. I was, uh… I was on my couch watching my TV in my TV room in my house. I was watching this show I like to watch, which is The First 48, okay? If you haven’t seen the show, it’s graphic. It, like, shows dead bodies and families crying over loss of loved ones. And it’s confirming in my heart, you know what? The streets must be real out there. I knew that shit all along, player. So, I’m watching the show and I’m watching the show ’cause it’s what the fuck I wanna do, okay? Now, as I’m watching it, little Anika walks down the stairs, all right? Now, as I see her, my adult brain kicks in. The same brain that invited them over, all right? I was like, “You gotta change the channel. You can’t let her eyes see this” because she’ll grow up and kill bunnies, right?” So… I was like, “Good idea. You gotta change the channel.” So, I went to grab the remote. As soon as I grabbed the remote, my gangster side kicked in and I thought, “You fucking mark-ass bitch.” You going to let this ho run your life? Fuck that, man. You’re too real for this shit. “She’s gonna change you just like she did her father before you.” So, then I was like, “All right, I guess she gonna learn about life tonight.” So, I’m watching this show, doing what the fuck I wanna do and little Anika’s gotta do it, too, ’cause it’s what I wanna do, all right? Now, about 20 seconds goes by and I realize that, you know, she doesn’t really care what’s going on ’cause there’s no cartoons, right? So, I feel her kind of give up. And she looks over at me and she goes like this: “Hey, Chris.” I’m like, “Fuck, I didn’t know there was gonna be dialogue in this shit.” So, I turned over, I said, “Yeah, what the fuck you want?” [audience laughing] That’s how I sound in my head. I probably said something like, “Yes, sweetheart, how can I help you?” [chuckles] So, she looks at me and goes like this, “Well, um, I was wondering something.” Like, “Yeah, get on with that shit.” She goes like this, “Well.” [exhales sharply] She did that quick breath thing that kids do. I don’t know why they do that, but like, “Hey. [Exhales sharply] Sorry.” I don’t know how to do all of the stuffs yet. “I’m not in control of my faculties total at this point.” So, she looks at me and this is what she says. She says, “Well, I was wondering, um… do you want to see a secret garden?” [audience laughing] At this point, my adult brain and my gangster are confused as shit, okay? I looked at her, I said, “Yo, what?” She repeated herself like I was the fucking asshole in this conversation. She said, “I said… do you want to see a secret garden?” And, you know, I mean, like, yeah, kind of, you know? Probably not a secret garden she’s gonna show, but on the off chance she’s right, what is it like, right? Are there dragons there, flowers with dicks on them? Whatever there are, I wanna Facebook about it, okay? So, I’m curious now. So, I grab the remote and I pause my show. And I look at her and I say, “Okay, show me the secret garden.” And she got so fucking excited. She goes like this, “Okay. Come on, follow me.” And she starts walking around like this, like some shitty underwater explorer, okay? And I follow her. I catch myself doing the same fucking thing. I’m walking around my own house like, hey, anything could pop up around any one of these corners. No, it can’t. It’s my house. I put everything in it, okay? So, now, she leads me through the kitchen twice. Okay? Yeah, and I’m like, “Yo, does she know where the secret garden is or what?” So, I casually mention to her, I was like, “You know, uh… [chuckles]” We went through the kitchen two times. So, like, what’s the deal with that? “You know where this shit is or what?” Again, like I’m the asshole she responded. She says, “I know that, okay?” We had to do that ’cause that’s how you open up the portal to get there.” I have no idea. I’m like, “You just take the wheel.” No idea what’s going on. I mentioned… I was like, “Is there maybe a quicker way to go because my show’s still on.” And she goes like this, “Okay, come on, let’s take the shortcut.” I didn’t say it, but I definitely thought, next time start with the fucking shortcut. So, she leads me outside to my backyard and she goes like this, “Here it is.” “No, no. This isn’t a secret at all.” I’ve known about this place since I bought it. It’s my own backyard. I’ve had it for three years. “My dogs shit here. They know about it, too.” I thought she was gonna change who I was. Instead, I checked into my gangster heart. I looked in her eyes and I thought, “Just another lying-ass bitch.” [audience laughing] I’ve been down this road before. Betrayal is a motherfucker. “That’s how you got so real in the first place, dawg.” So, I looked at her and I went, “fucking peace.” And I pivoted and I walked back to my house. I took about three or four steps and that’s when I heard, “Hey, Chris.” I’m like, “Oh, shit. She got more heat for that ass, huh?” Fuck that. She ain’t changing nothing. You’re still real as fuck. “See what the hell she want.” So, I turn around and say, “Yeah? What the fuck you want now?” And this time she’s pointing and she says, “Hey, look, there’s an orange tree.” And I looked and there was an orange tree. I have an orange tree. I didn’t know that, okay? [audience laughing] That’s a secret, but still, fuck her. She didn’t know, right? I was surprised. I was like, “Shit. How you…? Oh, my God, you brought this like you brought this shit with you.” But I played it cool. I was like, “All right, yeah.” Thanks for showing me that shit that I 100 percent already knew that I definitely without a doubt already had. “Peace.” So, I took a few steps back to my house. And that’s when I heard in the background, “Hey, Chris.” “Like, she really trying to change a motherfucker. Fuck that.” She ain’t changing nothing. You… Well, you do now have an orange tree that you didn’t know about. But that don’t change who you are on the inside. Now, basically, you’re still the same you. Only you can enjoy a delicious orange whenever you so choose. Yeah, player. Good logic. “See what the fuck she want now.” So, I turn around real as fuck and I say, “Yeah? What the fuck you want now?” She’s still pointing, not wavering at all, being a kid, and she says, “Well, um, do you want to pick one?” And I’m like, “Man, I don’t give a fuck about this whole situation”, but… I am taller than you and… logistically, it does make sense.” So, I grabbed the orange like a boss and I handed it to her. And in my head I thought, “Don’t ever say I never did nothing for you.” A favor for a favor. That’s the code of the streets. You hear me? One day, and it may not be tomorrow, I may come knocking on your door “and ask you for, like, a banana or some shit. Anyway… bye.” I pivot. I take a few steps back to my house. And that’s when I hear in the background again, “Hey, Chris.” Like, “She really sinking her hooks in, man. Fuck that.” You’re real. Take them hooks out. Show her what’s up.” So, I turned around and said, “Yeah, what the fuck you want now?” She’s still standing there, not wavering at all. Not caring how real I’m trying to keep it, just being a kid. And she says, “Well, um, do you want to pick one for yourself?” [audience] Aw. No, don’t go “aw,” fuck this bitch. She’s changing you and she’s not even really here right now. Know how hard it was to keep streets real while looking at her fucking angel eyes? But I did want one. I mean, they looked so fucking good. [audience laughing] So, I was like, “Man, you know what? Let’s strike a deal, man.” You could eat that shit and pick that orange as long as you do it while you’re keeping it real and you eat it while you’re watching The First 48. “Yeah, player. Good logic.” So, I grabbed it. And she was being so cute that, like, she was really starting to make me fucking emotional. I went… I went, “Bye.” I barely looked at her. I went, “Okay, bye.” And I pivoted and I walked back quickly. As soon as I touched the doorknob of my door, I hear in the background: “Hey, Chris.” And I’m running on empty. I got no gas left in the tank. I take my last breath, I turn around and I say: “Yeah, what the fuck you want now?” And she knew she had me. She was even cuter at this point. She was smaller, her eyes got bigger. Someone did her hair in the meantime. And she looks at me, no bullshit, and she actually says: “Well, I was wondering, um, do you want to come to my birthday party?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [♪♪♪] ♪ Fire Man ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ Yo, is this off or what? It is, right? Whoa, you’ve got to fix this shit. [woman] Sorry. Sorry. Are we good? – What? [woman] I said, sorry. You did this shit? What, are you fucking telepathic? [audience laughing] Starts cutting out and shit like an M. Night Shyamalan movie or shit. Oh, fuck. “I’m sorry.” It’s fucking… You guys fucking apologize over everything. [audience cheering] Literally… Literally had nothing to do with it. “I’m sorry.” “Was that you?” “No, but, you know, the universe. I’m in it.” [audience laughing] Hey hey, I’m a PhD student at Yale working on comedy — curious about the project here (especially anything to do with the selection process) & would love to chat. Grateful just to have the transcripts to look at, but shoot me an email if this comes through! | Yes. [audience continues cheering] Yes. All right. Yeah. All right. Just relax. We’re fucking here, doing this in Canada. I’m happy about that. [audience cheering] Look at this crowd. Yo, all right. I know, uh… I know I look like a tired eagle. Um… [audience laughing] I don’t like how you laughed, to be honest. It’s fine… It’s fine that you laughed at it, but the way you laughed at it was shitty, you know? You laughed like you realized it. [audience laughing] Ha, ha, oh. Eagles are cool, though. They’re fucking… You know what I mean? [squawks] They do that shit. I don’t look like that eagle that would be like fucking… I look like an eagle that would be like this: Caw. You know what I mean? Like… just tired as shit, stuck in traffic: Caw. I’ve been thinking about the way I look a lot lately because I’m finally the age I look. I’m like… I always looked older than I was, but now I’m 36 and that’s a hundred percent obvious. Like… it’s… Like… Here’s what I mean “I’m the age I look.” When I say I’m 36, nobody in here goes like this: “No.” You know? [audience laughing] Like, I’m an adult. It’s fucking crazy to realize yourself as an adult, right? I mean, I’ve been an adult for a while, but I just kind of… Recently it sunk in. Here’s what happened when I realized it. I saw a picture, uh, of me and I didn’t recognize me. I just saw, like, an adult male. I literally saw me and I thought, “Fuck that guy. He looks creepy.” That’s what I thought. I was like, “I don’t like his whole story. Fuck him.” And then I realized it was me. I look like that. I look like a guy that’d fuck your girl and then be like: “That’s the game.” You know what I mean? [audience laughing] I’m sorry. I didn’t do it. I’m so fucking 36, man. When I was in my 20s I was a completely different person. I don’t… I feel girls say shit like that, actually. I don’t mean it like that. I feel like girls say dramatic shit like: “I used to be a completely different person.” [audience laughing] I feel like when a girl says it, it means she used to fuck a lot, you know? [audience laughing] I feel like when a girl says that, part of her thinks that she was someone else for real. She’ll be, “No, for real.” I used to be a little Japanese man,” or whatever. Like, “No, you weren’t.” “Oh, really? “Then explain this:” [mimics Japanese dialogue] You’re like, “Okay, I don’t wanna argue.” You were Japanese for a summer or something.” Ha, ha. I don’t mean I was a different person. I was a lot different than I am now. And I was, dude. Just take ten years ago. When I was 26 I was married, which is crazy. Which… And that’s true. But by the way, don’t do that. Uh, yeah. [audience laughing] I don’t bad-mouth marriage. You can get married and it can work out, but not if you’re 26 and a dude. That’s way too young, okay? I mean, maybe some of you are 26 and married out there, in which case, oops, but you know what I mean? It’s not gonna work out, you know? I mean, it might, but it won’t. You know what I mean? But it could, but it’s not going to, right? But some are like, “This one’s special.” And you’re wrong, but, uh… Yeah, you’re not special. You’re just somebody. [Laughs] That’s fucked up. We’re not special at all. That’s so fucked. [audience cheering] We’re not. We’re not special. We’re just people. It’s fucked up to think about, right? I know when I say that I lose some people in the audience. They’re like, “Well, yeah, I mean…” [audience laughing] “Speak for yourself, but… I’m special ’cause I bought a vest a week ago.” Or whatever the fuck you think makes you special. Of course we think we’re special. We live in a society that fucking makes us feel that way, right? We’re all individuals and shit, right? Well, we… People told us that ever since we were little kids. Your parents or if you had shitty parents, your teachers told us that shit, right? I had a teacher that used to be like, “Remember, you’re your own snowflake.” [audience laughing] As a 4-year-old, you’re like, “Okay, I’m a little bit of snowflake, I guess.” Like, that’s weird as shit. And you carry on the tradition. We fucking make… You… You got kids, you make them feel special, you lie to them. You do. You say shit like, “You can do anything you put your mind to.” What the fuck? No, you can’t. No. No, you can’t. No, you can’t. No. So many things you can’t do even if you put your mind to it. Most things you can’t do. A lot of you guys couldn’t even get here on time. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Things are hard as shit. We can all do, like, four or five things, tops. We try things, but halfway through we’re like: “Fuck it, I’m hungry.” And we quit. We give up ’cause shit is hard as fuck. I’m wrong about this? You can do anything you put your mind to. Really? Shit out of your eyes. Do that. [audience laughing] Try it. Do it. fucking put your mind to it. [grunts] Try every day for the rest of your life. [grunts] It’ll always come out of your asshole first every single time. This is you every day. “Back to the drawing board.” That’s you every day with a high dry cleaning bill ’cause you shit your pants. We’re not special. But of course you feel that way. I saw some of you walk in here tonight. You’re like, “fucking here I am.” [audience laughing] You only think that ’cause you’re you. That’s why. If you were someone else, might be like, “Fuck that guy. I don’t like his vest.” [audience laughing] That’s the problem, really, is that you’ve always only been you. That’s the problem. You’ve never been anyone else, right? So, you’re important ’cause you live inside your body. You’re looking out of your eyes. And if someone pokes you, you’re like, “fucking hey.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] “Don’t make me start a hashtag on Twitter.” [audience laughing] You know how you know that we think we’re special? Because… Here’s why. ‘Cause movies make money. That’s why. ‘Cause we think we’re special. ‘Cause we’ll sit in the theater and watch Denzel Washington and be like, “You know what?” fucking that’s me. [audience laughing] I’m fucking Denzel in my life. If my life were a movie, I will be the lead. “I’m the Denzel Washington part.” No, you’re not the fucking Denzel Washington part. What part you are? Denzel Washington walks up to you like, “Where is she?” And then you go like this, “I don’t know.” That’s you. [audience laughing] You think you’re Denzel? Think you walk into a room full of cops with a bunch of confidence and swagger? Just like “So, what do we got?” No. That’s what Denzel does. You’re the guy afterwards with a bunch of graphs and spreadsheets and you’re like, “Uh, excuse me, sir.” I… I… I have a bunch of facts that pertain to the case ahead.” And he’s like, “Shut the fuck up!” And you go: “Oh, Oh!” And the spreadsheets fly everywhere, you bitch ass. That’s you. You’re not fucking Denzel. You think you are? You think you’re the man on fire? Is that what you think? You think you walk out of a car in slow motion with the music blaring in the background? [mimicking dramatic music] No. When you get out of your car, the music stops. ‘Cause it was on the radio in your car. You don’t get out on a mission with a beautiful dove flying out of your backseat. And the wind casually flipping your Hawaiian shirt up, exposing your abs. You don’t even have abs, you fat fuck. [audience laughing] You don’t get out like: [Mimicking dramatic music] You get out and it’s like: [Mimicking wacky music] [mimics farting noise] Fat. Fat fuck. Fuck a dove. There’s a pigeon at best. And it’s fatter than you are. Can’t even get off the ground. It’s eating Doritos out of your car when you got out, you fucking piggy fat fuck. [audience laughing] [man in audience] Yeah! You’re not… You’re not Denzel. You’re not the man on fire. You think you are. A lot of you think I’m talking about other people. You are other people to other people. You think you’re the fucking man. You think that’s your movie, you fucking… You think if someone pulled a gun on you, you might, “Do it. Come on, motherfucker.” Let’s see what you got. Come on, show me the balls you got.” [shouts] No way. Neither would I. I’m not saying I’m better than that. Here’s me or anybody in here if we got a gun pulled on us. This is what we would do: [Groans, then crying] “Take my girl, take my girl. You can fuck her.” [audience chuckles] You’re not Denzel. You’re not the man on fire. Right? Life’s not your movie, that’s what I’m trying to say. Makes sense, right? You know what life is more like? We’re all extras in someone else’s movie. That’s what it’s more like, right? And you guys believe me. You’re like, 70, 75 percent there. You’re like: “Well, yeah, I mean… Chris D’Elia is right, “but… also, ha, ha… I’m a little bit Denzel.” Right? You know what that is? That’s your ego. That’s… I have that, too. I have that ego. You live life like it’s your movie because you don’t wanna be the bitch-ass extra, right? I certainly… I orchestrate my life that way. I feel like I’m the lead of my movie right now. I’m on-stage yelling into a microphone at you guys. I’m like, “It’s like this. It’s like that.” You guys are all looking back at me like, “Yeah, he’s right.” It feels like it’s my movie, but it’s not. In real life, the movie is probably about a couple arguing. And the girl gets so mad that she storms out. And this is just a scene at the Vogue in fucking Vancouver, Canada. [audience cheering] Yeah. I’m not even Chris D’Elia in this movie. I’m comedian number six. [audience laughing] But you try, right? You try ’cause you have to. You try to make life yours, right? Life throws what it throws you and you roll with the punches. That’s what happened to me, you know? I met a girl and I hung out with her for too long, and then… Then I loved her. By the way, that’s what love is. That’s what it is. Hanging out with someone for too long. That’s what it is. It’s true. Fuck these movies. They glorify love. Two people in the rain, looking at each other, not giving a shit it’s raining ’cause they’re holding eye contact. Right? They’re just like, “I fucking love you.” Ah. You’re my soul mate. I’m so lucky I found you. Why am I the one that’s so lucky? “I can’t belie… I miss you when I blink.” [audience laughing] “Where did you go?” “Oh, I was just blinking.” That’s not what people say as it starts raining. You know what people say? No matter how much in love they are, no matter how much eye contact, this is what we say: “Hey. [Spits] Ah. Let’s go inside.” That’s what we say. Love is not that certain. If I could pick two words that love is, it’s right here: “I guess.” [audience chuckles] Love is “I guess.” You find yourself your “I guess” person and have an “I guess” family. That’s what you do. And then you “I guess” your way all throughout life. That’s what you do. You say, “Yeah, let’s get married, I guess, and then have kids, I guess”, and feed them, I guess, uh… every day, I guess. And take a trip if we have the money, I guess. And when I’m sick, make me soup if you’re in the mood, I guess. And then when you die, I’ll be right by your side. “I guess. I don’t know. That’s so far away. At this point, I hope I go first.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Love is “I guess.” If you’re sure you’re not in love, that’s not what love is. Think about the people in your life that knew they were in love. Think about those people. “I fucking love her.” Hundred percent know it. I knew it as soon as I saw her. You can’t convince me otherwise. She’s so easy to be around. “She’s basically me.” Right? And then a year later you’re like, “How is she?” “Oh, that bitch was crazy.” [audience laughing] ‘Cause that’s not love. That’s The Notebook. That’s Jerry Mc-fucking-Guire, okay? And those movies ended early. They were two hours, not 40 fucking years. You know I’m right. That’s why you’re laughing. ‘Cause you’ve been in love or are now, and know that love is up and down. And up and down and up and down and down more and down and up a little bit, but then down, down, down. Down, down, not up, down, down, down. And you’re both stuck down there and like, “At least we have each other.” That’s what love is. And then you meet other couples down there and you, like, do dinners with them or some shit. Fuck those dinners. A lot of you guys are probably on those dinners right now. [audience laughing] A lot of you guy… Look, sometimes people think what I’m saying is negative because I’m saying love is shitty. But that’s not negative that love is shitty. You know why? ‘Cause love is shitty because it fucking has to be. You know why? Because it’s awesome, too. That’s how everything in life is. Everything that’s good is equally that bad. That’s yin and yang of life. Take anything you like. It’s equally that bad. Kit Kats. You love Kit Kats, right? Eat them up. “Oh, man, I love these Kit Kats.” Oh, they’re so chocolatey. Break me off another one. “I love these Kit Kats. Why are they so good?” They are, until: [Mimics trumpeting sound] That’s the bad part. That’s the bad part. You’re sitting on the toilet, thinking: “Oh, man, I can’t ever eat any more Kit Kats ever again.” It’s the same thing as love. Chipotle, Chipotle, Chipotle. Love, love, love. Love is Chipotle. Dude, this isn’t even a comedy show. It’s a fucking TED Talk, okay? [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Oh, fuck it. Love is shitty. And that’s okay. Sometimes if… If you’re with somebody, you go to sleep shitty and wake up shitty. And by the way, you sleep shitty, too. Sometimes. If you don’t wake up every two hours and think something like “did this bitch turn off the humidifier?” that’s not love. And then you wake up with chapped lips and blame each other. That’s love. You’re like, “Yo, did you turn this shit off? What the fuck?” You did… My… Side of my mouth is cracking now… when I open it like that. The bad side. What the fuck? You didn’t turn it off. You didn’t turn it off. Who came in here? Humidifier fairy came and did that shit? “My mommy came over at 2:30 in the morning and did that?” [audience laughing] That’s what love is. Know what love is? If I could distill love down into one moment, this right here would be the moment of love right here. “fucking move.” [audience laughing] Move over. Look at the other side of the bed. Look at that area. Look at that… Stop gazing into my fucking eyes for two seconds and look at the other area. And then look at this zero area I’ve got over here. Look at that vast area. They shot Mad Max on the other side of you. Tom Hardy’s over there on the front of a vehicle like: [Groans] And I’m over here with my leg and my dick flopped off the bed. Explain that. Explain why my dick is flopped off the bed. They shot Mad Max and Dances With Wolves on the other side of you. Kevin Costner’s over there with a water buffalo just like: [Speaking in Lakota] He’s saying that. [audience laughing] Every time you turn, you take the covers. You know that? Every time you turn, you take it. You take it. I’m there and you’re sleeping, but you’re dreaming. ‘Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve them.’ And you take it and you take it and you take it. And you do a billion revolutions a night. You take it, you take it. And when you come back, you leave it. You take it and then leave it over there. You take it and then leave it. You’re like a shitty fucking typewriter. You’re a typewriting-ass bitch. And I’m over here with no covers. A frigid, freezing cold dick and my mouth is bleeding. “Thank you, bitch.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [laughs] That’s what love is. Know what love is? This is what love is. When you’re on an airplane with your girl or whoever and they’re next to you and you have a thought like: “Does she really think that the armrest is for her?” fucking come on. It’s my turn a little bit sometimes. Fuck. Come on. You know what? Put your fucking head against the side of the plane. I gave you the window seat for a reason. Use it. Well, I’m trying to be fucking chivalrous. God. [audience laughing] “Time to kick back and relax.” Right? You’re freezing, but she’s got your hoodie balled up, using it as a pillow. And you gotta be happy about it. You’re like, [chattering] “Ah, I hope you’re comfortable.” And you’re, like, going to visit her family in, like, Dallas or some shit and then she was like, “Do you wanna go because you wanna go… or do you wanna go because you know that I want you to go?” [audience laughing] “You know what? You’re asking me to lie to you.” I wanna go ’cause I wanna go. How’s that? Yeah. I don’t even care if you’re going at this point. I am. Uh-huh. Can we stay with your grandma? And is she 93 years old? Can I not understand a word coming out of her mouth? And does she only wear nightgowns even at 3 p.m.? “And are her bathrooms weird as shit? [gasps] Sign me up.” – Aw. [Chuckles] [audience cheering] Dude, bro, I’ll get so mad on the plane. Like… And I’ll fucking… I’ll make myself hot. I’ll turn on the a… Fuck that air, the little air-conditioning, the… The little bitch-ass air. Make a bigger vent. Make a bigger vent. It’s a hole. Use less material. You’re using more material to be a big fucking dickhead on purpose. Make a little… Gotta turn it on. It’s like a fucking titty. You know what I mean? You turn it on. It’s not even cool air. It’s just loud air. You turn it on and it’s, like [hissing] fucking rocketed in my eye. Four thousand miles, please. Just in this circumferenced area. Just in this area. This is where I’m hot, actually. Right here, I’m freezing already, okay? But here, I’m tropical. fucking dry out my contact lens, please. When I get to the Dallas airport, I wanna walk around like this. That’s how I wanna walk around. I want people to think they see Fetty Wap in baggage claim. That’s what I want. That’s what love is. Walking around the Dallas airport with three bags and one good eye. And she’s skipping in front of you with no bags and two eyes. And you told her to pack one bag. And you packed one bag, but somehow you’re holding three! [audience laughing] That’s not what the man on fire does. [audience laughing] Whatever. So, you know. I asked her to marry me. [Laughs] [audience laughing] I mean, I didn’t mean to… Well, I meant to. I meant to… I meant… I meant to say the words, you know? But… I don’t know, now that I have some retrospect on it, it’s ten years later, I think the reason why I did it is because I thought it was the right thing to do, you know? It was an idea that I had, right? Like, my parents are still married. Now, even. They’re my role models, right? But I didn’t mean it when I said it from… Didn’t mean it from the bottom of my heart, right? When you ask somebody to marry you, you gotta fucking mean that shit. You gotta hunker down and just fucking, you know… [chuckles] “Hey.” Right? “Just want you to know… life can be crazy sometimes. But you, you make sense of it all.” Or whatever. Whatever Creed song you wanna rip off, you know? But… [audience laughing] I didn’t ask from the bottom of my heart, you know? I didn’t. I just not… I said it with my mouth. [Chuckles] Can’t do that. You can’t ask somebody to marry you from your fucking mouth. Just fire it out there like, “Meh. You wanna get married?” – You know what I mean? [audience laughing] Not like ordering a bagel. You can order a bagel from your mouth. Doesn’t matter, right? You can just be like, “Meh, what bagels you got, sir? It doesn’t matter if I don’t like it. I’ll just order another one.” That’s not what marriage is, right? To further my point, don’t order a bagel from the bottom of your heart. That’d be very weird. Different feelings, different situations. Right? Like, if you walked into a bagel place and you were, like, fucking, “Hey. [Chuckles]” Excuse me, bagel guy. I want you to… [chuckles] I want you to know your bagels are my everything. “So, can I have an everything bagel?” Right? Corny, that’s my whole point. [audience cheering] So, we did it. We got married and I… But I didn’t… I didn’t real… I don’t know. I knew something was up. I didn’t know I didn’t wanna be married, but something was up. I was too young to realize my own emotions. Like, I was frustrated, right? Like, I was… I’d take it out on wrong things ’cause I didn’t know myself. Like, I’d be eating a sandwich and be like, “Know what? Fuck turkey.” Or some shit. She’d be, “What’s wrong?” I’d be like, “You don’t know me!” I was becoming a dick. Here’s how I knew I didn’t wanna be married. This kept happening. Didn’t realize then, but I realize now, all right? It’s very symbolic. You know when you live with someone and walk into a room and they’re in the room and it ends up scaring the shit out of you, right? Though it’s the one thing that should be in that room, ’cause it’s their room, too, you’re not thinking, you’re doing something else. You walk in and it scares you. That kept happening, okay? I kept walking in different rooms she would be in and getting the shit scared out of me. I’d walk in and be like, “What the fuck?” Whoa, where did you come from? How did you get here?” She’d be like, “I fucking live here.” You’re like, “I know. I get scared because deep down… “Deep down I don’t want you here. Deep down I don’t want you here.” Whatever. Mistakes are scarier than monsters. [audience laughing] [laughing] That’s the other thing, right? Don’t wanna let yourself get scared. Not as a young man, right? Like, not in your 20s. Don’t wanna… You wanna be the man, right? Like, for instance, if somebody scares your friend and they go, “Boo.” And he goes: [Gasps, then shouts] That dude’s a bitch, right? Like, he’s not gonna be in your army. I mean, you don’t have an army, but if you did, and some shit went down, you’d give him the flute. And he’d be the bitch ass in the back… just: “Don’t shoot me. It’s not… I’m just here for morale.” Right? [mimics bullet whizzing] “That’s not fair.” [mimics bullets whizzing] That’s against the rules. “Shoot the guys with the guns.” On the other hand, if you scare your friend and you’re like: “Boo.” And he’s like, “Come on, motherfucker, let’s do this.” Give him a gun. He should be out there guarding the flute bitches, right? I didn’t wanna be a flute bitch. Not in front of my girl. There’s no fucking way I was that secure in myself. There’s no way. So, I’d walk in and I’d get scared she was in the room. But I couldn’t let her see that. So, I’d immediately cover it up and just get mad at her for even being in the room. I’d walk in and just, “Hey. Ow. What the fuck are you doing?” Look at the way you’re sitting with knees up. You a gargoyle? “Fuck off.” [audience laughing] So… now I’m 36. It’s ten years later. I’m a man. Can’t fucking do something ’cause I think it’s the right thing to do or it’s… It’s what I should do. Gotta do something so I… ‘Cause it’s me. I’m exactly that guy in that picture I saw. Thirty-six-year-old fucking… A man, right? But I vowed recently not to pretend anymore because of that. Like… And I’ve been good at it. I took a stand recently. Here’s something I don’t wanna pretend to do anymore. A lot don’t agree, but I don’t wanna pretend to wanna go to your party anymore. I don’t wanna go, okay? I’ve been to so many parties, had fun zero times, all right? Don’t wanna go anywhere where I’m in a conversation and I catch myself going like this: “Ah.” I don’t wanna go. [audience laughing] People are boring as shit at parties. They’ll just say shit that they think is interesting, not giving a shit about you. I was at a party once and this guy looked me in the eyes and says this: “Hey, do you know anything about front lawns?” [audience laughing] ‘Cause I was thinking about redoing my front lawn, you know? “Might just redo the whole thing.” Ah. “I’m gonna rip my dick off in the corner. Yeah. No, it’ll hurt,” but at least I’ll have to deal with something else immediately, right? Hey, I’d love to sit and chat about your fucking lawn, but… gotta deal with this dick situation. “It’s off.” [chuckles] [audience laughing] I don’t wanna go to your party. I don’t wanna pretend to wanna go. Here’s something I definitely don’t wanna pretend I wanna do. I don’t wanna pretend to wanna go to your fucking birthday party. No. I don’t care. What did you turn, 28? Bye. Do it by yourself. Don’t care. I’m Jehovah’s Witness from now on. For real. I’m not celebrating. If you’re 9, have a birthday party. That’s okay. But if you’re 10, get a job immediately. That’s what I think. You go to work. And you don’t want to. That’s the world I wanna live in. That’s… Where 10-year-olds have to go to work. I wanna see them fucking just like, “Hey, guys. Sorry, I’m late for work.” Like… “I only got… Sorry, I only got this many hours of sleep last night.” [audience laughing] Hey, guys. First order of business. [chuckles] First order of business. Need to get these products to upper management, pronto. Hello, Stacy, can you please bring in my Capri Sun? It’s going to be a long one. [audience laughing] And can you put the straw in the back, please? I never know how to do that. Hey, guys. Before we get started… where is the employee bathroom? “I got to go caca now.” If you’re 9, have a birthday party. That’s your last one. Okay? My buddy came up to me this year and he goes like this. First of all, he’s 42, okay? Forty-two. As in, almost dead. Okay? And he comes up to me and he goes like this, “Hey, man. Guess what.” First of all, don’t do “guess what” to me, okay? I’m 36. It’s not cute anymore. What am I supposed to be like? Oh, ah! “No, don’t give me any hints. I wanna figure it out myself.” It could be anything. If you do “guess what,” from now on this is my guess. Purple? That’s what it is. If it’s not purple, fucking tell me immediately. Save time. We’re both adults. Okay? The guy goes like this, “Uh, no, not purple. Um…” I’m turning 42 soon. “You gonna come to my birthday party?” In my heart I’m already like, “Fuck this guy” for even asking, all right? But in my head, as I’m trying to mull a polite way to decline the invitation, I realize I’m already going like this in the guy’s face, “No.” Right in his face. “No…” It felt good. It felt like the real me was coming out. It felt freeing like, “No.” It felt like I sang it, for real, right in his… ♪ [singing] No, I won’t go ♪ It felt like No: The Musical was about to start. ♪ I am not going ♪ People in the back: ♪ He won’t go He won’t go ♪ ♪ He won’t go ♪ ♪ I’m not going ♪ “Hey, Chris, you going to his party?” “No.” “Parties ain’t for me no more.” [scatting] ♪ Maybe in my 20s ♪ Some girl in a spotlight alone just like, ♪ I wish he’d come ♪ [sighs] ♪ Meet me somewhere else ♪ Meet… [chuckles] ♪ Meet me somewhere else ♪ I love when they hit the same note twice at the end. ♪ Meet me somewhere… ♪ [chuckles] ♪ Else ♪ That’s such a “fuck you,” you know? It really is. You want that extra high note. But some motherfuckers don’t give that shit to you. You know what you want. ♪ Meet me somewhere el… ♪ That’s what you want, right? But some dudes are like, ♪ Meet me somewhere el… ♪ And they’re like, “Fuck you. You don’t get that last note.” The balls you’ve gotta do to do that shit. [laughing] I don’t wanna go to your party, dude. What the fuck? Birthday party? Come on. I gotta get you a gift? Why? What happened? What? Nothing. You just waited. That’s all that happened. You didn’t die. And I gotta, like, buy you a VCR or some shit? That’s what I get everybody every year from now on. You’re getting a fucking VCR if you invite me. “Yeah, did you want that, motherfucker? I bet you did at one point.” Ah, man. Fuck it. That’s another thing I don’t wanna pretend to have to do, is… Is like the gift that you got me on my birthday. Right? If you came to my party and you gave me a gift that I didn’t like, know me better, friend. That’s your fault, right? ‘Cause that’s about the other person. Gotta make sure they feel okay about the gift they got, right? You gotta open it up like, “What? No way.” How did you know I wanted this specific thing even though I never said it out loud, even when I was alone? “And also, I don’t.” [audience laughing] Thought about no-gift thing ’cause here’s what happened when I turned 35, okay? My buddy bought me the gayest gift you could buy another heterosexual male. You know what he bought me? He bought me pants. Yeah. [audience laughing] Think about this. How could you be a grown man and buy another grown man pants without seeming like you suck all the dicks, okay? Here’s the gay part. They fit fantastic. [audience laughing] I don’t even know how he knew my size. I don’t even know my own size. I always have to try pants on. This dude literally eyeballed my hips. And he was like, “Looks like a 33.” And he fucking nailed it, okay? That’s gay. It’s gay. And by the way, that’s what I mean. I mean, it’s gay. I mean, it’s gay, all right? Saying it twice ’cause I wanna clarify. I want you guys to know that I mean it, okay? ‘Cause people get real sensitive when you use that term. Right? They’ll be like, “You know what? That’s not cool to use that word in a derogatory manner.” Yeah, I 100 percent agree with you. I don’t mean it in a derogatory way. I mean, it’s gay like fucking a guy, okay? [audience laughing] Buying your friends pants that fit is gay like fucking a guy. And that’s okay. Fuck guys all day long, yippee. But it’s gay like that, okay? It’s so gay, I think. [audience cheering] I actually think it’s gayer than fucking a guy. I do. I do. I think buying your friend’s pants that fit and wrapping them and waiting to give it to him is way gayer than just fucking him. I think that. I a hundred percent made up my mind. I’ve thought about this a lot, obviously. You can’t convince me otherwise. You know why it’s gayer to buy your friend’s pants that fit than it is to fuck him? Because fucking a guy is easy. That’s why it’s less gay. It’s so easy. I mean, you could fuck a guy even if you’re not gay. Relax. You don’t have to, but… you could, right? Like, you can’t build a restaurant if you’re not a fucking architect, right? Like, here, look, let me explain. Um… If I held a gun to your head… Don’t need a skill set is what I’m saying. You don’t need a skill set to fuck a guy, right? If I held a gun to your head and I said, “fucking, are you an architect?” And… [audience laughing] Okay, wait. And you were like, “No,” right? And I was like, “Well, you better build me a restaurant or I’m gonna blow your fucking brains out.” You’d have to be like, “Tell my family I love them.” [audience laughing] But if I held that same gun to your head and I said, “Are you gay?” And you were like, “No.” And I said, “Well, you better fuck a guy” or I’m gonna blow your fucking brains out.” You’d be like, “Where is he?” [audience laughing] That’s how easy it is. That’s how easy… That’s why it’s less gay in my head. Like, fuck… But, dude, buying a friend’s pants that fit and wrapping them… and knowing the size, that’s not easy. That’s difficult. That takes time. Gay time, okay? It’s a gay adventure. It’s a gay fucking errand. There’s levels of gayness to it. Like, look. Look, okay, I’m not gay, all right? Never had sex with a guy even once. [chuckles] Sounds funny to say it like that. Still means the same thing. But… [laughing] However, sometimes I’m so tired and so lazy that if somebody came up to me and they were like: “Hey, man… do you wanna buy your friend’s pants” that fit and wrap them and give them to him at his party for his birthday… or… [audience laughing] “Do you wanna just, like, fuck this guy right here?” I might be like: [Grumbles] “I mean, he’s right here. I don’t have to go to the car for that.” It’s so easy and that’s why it’s less gay. Dude, it’s so easy to fuck a guy. Could practically fuck a guy by mistake. That’s how… Not practically. You actually could. It’s very unlikely, don’t worry. But… I don’t mean the mistake where you’re, “Sorry, I thought it was a woman.” I mean, like, literally a mistake like… How? Okay, here’s how. Um… All right, so… if you were to walk into a room with your hard dick already out, okay? So far, every dude’s on board, right? Uh… [chuckles] And… And in the room, the floor is really slippery, okay? [chuckles] And on the floor there’s one dude face down… and he’s just spreading his asshole. Even if you slip, you’ll probably catch yourself. You’ll be like, “Whoa, that was a close one.” But there’s a chance you could fall the other way and be like, “What? No.” [shouts] Boink. Whoopsie. You fucked him by mistake, okay? But there is no way in hell that you can slip and fall and buy your friend’s pants that fit. [audience laughing] No matter how wet Macy’s is, it just can’t happen. It’s impossible. It won’t happen. [audience cheering] You can’t. You can’t be like, “Whoa, hey, wait a minute.” Those are cool pants. Do you have them in a size 33? Oh, I’ll take them. Thanks. “Hopefully I slip all the way over to your Gift Wrapping Department.” So, the pants fit good, you know? And, uh… But here’s what happened. So, my buddy called me, uh… who bought me the pants, he called me two weeks after. And he called me up and was like, “Hey, man, wanna get a cup of coffee?” And I was like, “Fuck, yeah, I’ll drink that shit right now, player.” I’m a G about my coffee. I don’t give a fuck, man. [Chuckles] “Put your fucking caffeine where your mouth is, coz.” [audience laughing] So, I went to go meet him for coffee, right? And as soon as I hung up the phone, I left my house. As soon as I got to my own door, I realized I wasn’t… I wasn’t wearing the pants that he got me, okay? I didn’t want the first time for him to see me since he got me the pants to show up and not be wearing the pants, right? ‘Cause then he would spot me and be like, “Hey, what’s up? Aw.” And then that made me be like: [Groans] So, I changed pants. I literally put on a cuter outfit to meet a dude, okay? That’s gay as shit. So… Now I got the pants on and, um, I show up to the coffee shop and I see him and he sees me and he goes like this, “Hey, what’s up?” Oh! And that made me go: [Shouts] Fuck this asshole. He’s controlling my life with pants. It’s pants control. So, now I’m uncomfortable. I’m like, “Let’s just get this over with,” right? So, we get the coffee, uh, we walk out to the patio. I’m with the dude who bought me the pants. I’m wearing the pants. We’re having a conversation, coffee. And as we’re doing this, a girl walks out of the coffee shop and she spots me and she actually says: “You know what? Those are some really cool pants.” I’m like, “Oh, cool.” At least I get to talk to a girl about it, right? My buddy leans in and says, “You know, I bought them for him.” [audience laughing] That’s way gayer than just fucking him. That’s what happens when you pretend. That’s what happens. Right? You get in a situation you’re not prepared to deal with ’cause you’re not being you. That’s what I did. When he bought me pants and I opened them, I should’ve said how I felt. I should’ve been like, “How did you know my size, you fucking weirdo?” [audience laughing] Instead I was like, “Oh, cool pants. I’ll wear them next time I see you.” I played the game and then the game played me. [audience laughing] Yup. But it’s hard, though, it is. It’s hard to not pretend. It’s hard to know who you are in any given situation and not pretend ever, right? Like, we all do it. We all pretend in moments. We all think we matter more than we actually do. Right? We all think we’re special, but we’re not. Right? You know the worst people nowadays that think they matter more than they actually matter, hands-down? People that work out and won’t shut the fuck up about it. I cannot stand that shit. Bang, bang, bang, click, click. Reload. Bang, bang, bang, I can’t stand it. Work out, go home. You don’t matter that much, okay? All this inspirational culture that’s going around, this fitspo lifestyle that they’re trying to convince you of. Who are you inspiring? That’s what I want to know. Right? These dudes will be like, “You know what? I used to weigh 90 pounds”, but now, through hard work, determination, perseverance, never backing down, not stopping, remaining focused, never veering off track, not looking over my shoulder, never dying, no days off, “now, I got bigger muscles.” Okay. You know what? Eat dicks. Okay? [audience cheering] Eat all the dicks you see around. If you’re like that, if you see a dick, you eat that shit. [mimics chewing sounds] Like that. Like a log trimmer, just: [Grunting] With dick chips spinning out of your mouth: [Grunting] Throw a dick up and just [grunts] swallow it whole. Where there’s a dick outline in your neck, muscle it down. That’s your new workout, okay? Eat dicks, of course. Like, you’re not really doing much, okay? Who the fuck are you inspiring? You’re not running for political office. You’re not joining the Army. All you do is move weight around and eat extra chicken, right? [audience laughing] You like protein? Cool. There’s protein in my dick. Eat it. [audience laughing] You work hard? Congratu-the fuck-lations. I work hard, too. I don’t hashtag it “blessed” all day long. Eat my dick. These guys are so self-involved. It’s so fucking annoying. They’re ridiculous. They’ll take a selfie in the mirror and be like: “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” [audience laughing] No. Not really, man. You know why? You’re not a warrior. That’s why. Okay? You just, like, have a job at the movie theater or some shit. Keep your friends real close. See movies with them. It works out fine. You don’t rule the nation. [laughing] fucking, they’re ridiculous, these guys. They’re just ridiculous. “You know, I… Well, I’ve… Hey.” Just so you know… life is a journey, okay? It’s not about the destination. “It’s about the tools you use… and the path you take.” [audience laughing] Oh, really? I didn’t know I was dealing with the Dalai fucking Lama, dude. “You know, don’t be afraid to…” [laughing] “Don’t ever be afraid to reach your dreams.” Oh, cool, man. “Don’t ever fucking be afraid to make your dreams a reality…” and succeed, you know? I used to be a shell of a man, but now… Now I know exactly what’s inside that shell. [audience laughing] All equal parts that make me me. “Don’t ever be afraid of being you.” You know what my favorite one is? “Just be you. Everyone else is taken.” Fuck that shit. [audience cheering] “Hard work, determination, perseverance, never backing down, not stopping,” remaining focused, never quitting, fighting the desire, but also following the desire, never looking over your shoulder, fucking, army of one, no days off. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Buildings, robots, carpet, iPa…” You’re just saying words, okay? You like words? Here’s more. Eat my dick. There’s three. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [chuckling] Like, who the fuck are you inspiring? That’s what I wanna know. I wanna… That’s what I wanna know. I wanna know what guy sees that guy… and then gets inspired. Right? Like, what guy sees a poster with, like, a whale’s tail breaching out of the ocean and the word “perseverance” under it? – Hmm. [audience laughing] Let’s think hard about that. What guy sees a bunch of birds lined up on a tree branch and thinks “teamwork”? [audience laughing] Like, what guy scrolls through that Instagram post and is like: [Chuckles] Whoa. You ever think about that? You ever think about perseverance? You ever think about that? You ever think about taking no days off? You ever think about how you could do more if you didn’t take any days off? Ever think about how you’re an army of 1? ‘Cause you’re not more than other people? You ever think about how Rome wasn’t built in a day? You ever think about maybe it took a few days to build Rome? Nobody. You’re not… You’re not inspiring anybody. You know why? You know how I know? ‘Cause never in the history of man has any dude looked at another guy’s fit body and been like: “Wow, that guy’s in shape. I’m gonna create Microsoft.” That’s never fucking happened, okay? So, eat dicks. See, that’s what happens. That’s what happens when you lie to kids. That’s what happens. When you look at kids and you say: “You can do anything you put your mind to.” You get the motherfucker that grows up and believes that. He’s like, “fucking time to change the world.” Here we go. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta. Let’s cure world hunger. Let’s try to cure world hunger. Here we go. [grunting] “Less people hungry yet?” [audience laughing] Don’t lie to kids. Right? I mean, I don’t know. That’s how I feel, though. Fuck that. I don’t have any kids yet, but when I have my first kid and that dude comes out, no way I’m saying, “You can do anything you put your mind to.” No way. Gonna look him in the eyes. First thing I say is: “You’re gonna fail a lot. Aah!” And run away. “Life’s full of hardships, buddy. [chuckles] Your first hardship is try and find me.” Pyoom! And just fucking… [audience laughing] [chuckles] fucking, pyoom, so fast that papers are floating to the ground like in the cartoons. I arrive at my next destination like: [Mimics vibration sounds] [laughing] [mimics sad muted trumpet sounds] What do I know? I’m saying don’t lie to kids. I have zero kids. I have zero boys, zero girls. That equals zero. I’ve been thinking about it, why I don’t have kids… you know, yet. And I think, really, honestly, the answer is if I’m being honest like I said I would, I wouldn’t pretend, and… But more importantly, if I’m being honest and not pretending the reason why I don’t have kids yet is because I’m scared, but more importantly, it’s because I’m selfish, man. For real. Like, I mean, but that’s the thing. You could be who you want when you don’t have kids. It doesn’t matter that much, right? Like, if you have a kid looking up at you that… As a role model, you gotta fucking take charge and do shit, right? But I don’t have to. Like, a lot of you guys fucking have kids at home, right? And you left them. You were like, “Bye, guys. We’ll be back later,” you know? And they were like, “Okay, can’t wait to see you when you get back.” Right? You’re thinking about them when you’re laughing. You’re like: “Ha, ha.” In your head you’re like, “I have a kid,” you know? That doesn’t leave you. For me, I’m selfish as shit. I leave the house, I don’t fucking have to tell anybody. Sometimes I pretend. I’m like, “Bye, guys, see you later. Ha, ha. You don’t exist.” I leave. [audience laughing] Having kids changes who you are. It doesn’t mean it changes who you are for the worse. It changes who you are for the better. But still, fuck that shit. I don’t wanna be better. I wanna be me. You can do… Be whatever you want. In my heart, honestly, I’m fucking cold sometimes, and it’s okay. Bad mood? I don’t have to watch myself ’cause I don’t have a kid looking up at me, right? It doesn’t matter. I could be looking at the guy at the gym. “You don’t matter that much. And fucking, no, I won’t come to your 42nd birthday party.” In my heart, I’m gangster as shit sometimes. Sometimes I look outside of my house in my neighborhood and I think, in this voice: “You know what? The streets is real out here.” And I know it to be true in my heart, okay? If I had a little kid looking up at me every single day, that would change who I was. Just like, “Hey, Dad, what are we going to do today?” “Yo, man, why you looking at me with them angel eyes, player?” Trying to keep the streets real. And you’re softening a motherfucker up, dawg. Fuck y’all, man. Making me emotional. Go to your room, player. Now. “fucking hard as shit up in this bitch.” Having kids changes who you are, for the better. Fuck it. It happened to my buddy. He used to be my best friend. Now he’s a dad. That’s how selfish I am. I can’t even have a best friend dad. I can’t. I get jealous of the kid for real. I’ll be like, “You’ve known me for nine years. She’s 4.” How do you explain your loyalty?” [audience laughing] He’ll be, “I took her to the park.” I’ll be, “You never took me to the park.” “I would… I would have driven you, so…” It’s interesting. It’s really interesting. Really. “I’m not mad, I just… I’m interested. I’m not mad.” Yeah, man, he had this fucking little girl. This little daughter girl. This little fucking… She’s 4 years old. They live in Texas, so, I haven’t met them yet. Right? Met them recently, but not when he called me up ’cause he… I live in L.A. He called me and was like, “Hey, enough’s enough.” I want you to meet my baby girl. She’s 4 already and… “We’re coming out to L.A. Are there hotels we could stay at?” And I just spoke immediately. I said, “No, stay at the house.” I didn’t even mean it. I just said it ’cause, like, I heard my dad say it once growing up, you know? You’re like, “I’m an adult now.” I even heard my dad’s East Coast accent come out. I was like, [in Italian accent] “Yeah, guys, come on over.” [in normal voice] It was like a fucking Olive Garden commercial or something. [in Italian accent] “Yeah, when you’re here, you’re family. Come on over.” There’s unlimited breadsticks at the house.” [in normal voice] And they came over and that fucking… That… I mean, that little girl was directly trying to affect how real I keep it on these streets, you know? She was looking at me all cute and soft and shit. First of all, her name is Anika, which is like, that’s so cute. Fuck that, right? I’m like, “How am I supposed to keep it real and call this girl Anika?” Fuck that. I’m gonna call her Rachel. That’s a regular-ass name.” [audience laughing] But you can’t call a 4-year-old girl a different name. That would fuck her up for life. Imagine her talking to her dad later on just like, “Hey, Dad, excuse me.” I have a question for you. Hey, Dad, excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad, can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad, how come your friend that looks like the guy from Sleepy Hollow, why does he…? [audience laughing] “Dad, excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad.” Why do little girls grab their pussies from behind? That’s so weird. Don’t go weird like I made them do it. That was Jesus Christ our Lord and savior that made them do that, okay? If he did anything, he did everything, including that, all right? He did it, like, on the eighth day or some shit. “And on the eighth day, little girls will grab their pussies from behind.” And even… And even the disciples were like, “Whoa, already?” Like, we can do that later.” He was like, “It’s what I thought of now. No order. We’ll get them all done.” And then he made lakes or whatever. “Hey, Dad. Excuse me, Dad.” I have a question for you. Hey, Dad. Can’t you see I have a question for you? Can I talk to you for a second? Can you be done with that right now? Hey, Dad. How come your friend that looks like a cool, young Bob Saget, why does he…? And he knows it. Why does he…? And he hates when people say that on Twitter. Why does he…? [audience laughing] Why does he call me Rachel? My name is Anika. Am I Rachel, too? I want to buy a bunny and then kill it. [audience laughing] “Anika loves bunnies, but Rachel doesn’t.” You know what I mean? That’s how that probably happens. [audience laughing] [audience member whistles] So… [chuckles] Thank you. So, now I gotta call this girl Anika against my better gangster judgment. They showed up, man. They showed up and stayed with me. ‘Cause I invited them. That’s how that works. And they showed up. And when they showed up, uh, my buddy, or Ryan, the dad, my ex-best friend, he walked in first. And this is how. He walked into my property and he’s walking in like thi… This is just how he walks in. He goes like this: “Hey, man.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What the fuck? Is a magic show about to start?” I have no idea what’s going on, right? But then I realize very quickly that he’s doing it like that ’cause little Anika is hiding behind his leg and he’s playing the dad part and he asks… He’s asking me… He asks me, he says, “Hey, man. By the way, have you seen Anika?” [audience laughing] And I’m like, “This motherfucker. Are you serious right now?” You and I both know where that bitch is. Come on, dawg. I’m trying to keep this shit real, man. Don’t make me eat your bullshit dad life. “Fuck y’all, man.” Didn’t give a shit how real I tried to keep it. He just tried to out-dad my realness. He just did it harder. He was like, “fucking, come on.” [audience laughing] And I’m stuck. I’m like, “Fuck, man. Come on, dawg.” This your life, motherfucker. “I’ve been looking around for her all day, dawg.” [audience laughing] That’s when she goes like this: “Here I am.” I’m like, “I knew where you were, bitch!” You’re not… You’re holding on to his leg. I can see your little fucking baby hands. “Disrespecting the hiding game on my property.” I’m back to pretending. I’m pretending again. Thirty-six, pretending I don’t know where this little girl is. I’m okay with calling her Anika, right? They stay with me for a week. You know how shit in life shapes you and it changes you and makes you who you are, right? When you’re a kid, you get a bunch of… When you’re Anika’s age, you got a bunch of moments that shape you and make you who you are. When you’re an adult, don’t happen much ’cause you are who you are. But they do happen, right? Maybe I’ve had four or five in my adult life. I had one while they were staying with me at the end that fucked me up, all right? It was where… It made me realize that, you know, I’m not Denzel and I’m not the man on fire. Life isn’t my movie and maybe that’s okay, all right? So, here’s what happened. I was, uh… I was on my couch watching my TV in my TV room in my house. I was watching this show I like to watch, which is The First 48, okay? If you haven’t seen the show, it’s graphic. It, like, shows dead bodies and families crying over loss of loved ones. And it’s confirming in my heart, you know what? The streets must be real out there. I knew that shit all along, player. So, I’m watching the show and I’m watching the show ’cause it’s what the fuck I wanna do, okay? Now, as I’m watching it, little Anika walks down the stairs, all right? Now, as I see her, my adult brain kicks in. The same brain that invited them over, all right? I was like, “You gotta change the channel. You can’t let her eyes see this” because she’ll grow up and kill bunnies, right?” So… I was like, “Good idea. You gotta change the channel.” So, I went to grab the remote. As soon as I grabbed the remote, my gangster side kicked in and I thought, “You fucking mark-ass bitch.” You going to let this ho run your life? Fuck that, man. You’re too real for this shit. “She’s gonna change you just like she did her father before you.” So, then I was like, “All right, I guess she gonna learn about life tonight.” So, I’m watching this show, doing what the fuck I wanna do and little Anika’s gotta do it, too, ’cause it’s what I wanna do, all right? Now, about 20 seconds goes by and I realize that, you know, she doesn’t really care what’s going on ’cause there’s no cartoons, right? So, I feel her kind of give up. And she looks over at me and she goes like this: “Hey, Chris.” I’m like, “Fuck, I didn’t know there was gonna be dialogue in this shit.” So, I turned over, I said, “Yeah, what the fuck you want?” [audience laughing] That’s how I sound in my head. I probably said something like, “Yes, sweetheart, how can I help you?” [chuckles] So, she looks at me and goes like this, “Well, um, I was wondering something.” Like, “Yeah, get on with that shit.” She goes like this, “Well.” [exhales sharply] She did that quick breath thing that kids do. I don’t know why they do that, but like, “Hey. [Exhales sharply] Sorry.” I don’t know how to do all of the stuffs yet. “I’m not in control of my faculties total at this point.” So, she looks at me and this is what she says. She says, “Well, I was wondering, um… do you want to see a secret garden?” [audience laughing] At this point, my adult brain and my gangster are confused as shit, okay? I looked at her, I said, “Yo, what?” She repeated herself like I was the fucking asshole in this conversation. She said, “I said… do you want to see a secret garden?” And, you know, I mean, like, yeah, kind of, you know? Probably not a secret garden she’s gonna show, but on the off chance she’s right, what is it like, right? Are there dragons there, flowers with dicks on them? Whatever there are, I wanna Facebook about it, okay? So, I’m curious now. So, I grab the remote and I pause my show. And I look at her and I say, “Okay, show me the secret garden.” And she got so fucking excited. She goes like this, “Okay. Come on, follow me.” And she starts walking around like this, like some shitty underwater explorer, okay? And I follow her. I catch myself doing the same fucking thing. I’m walking around my own house like, hey, anything could pop up around any one of these corners. No, it can’t. It’s my house. I put everything in it, okay? So, now, she leads me through the kitchen twice. Okay? Yeah, and I’m like, “Yo, does she know where the secret garden is or what?” So, I casually mention to her, I was like, “You know, uh… [chuckles]” We went through the kitchen two times. So, like, what’s the deal with that? “You know where this shit is or what?” Again, like I’m the asshole she responded. She says, “I know that, okay?” We had to do that ’cause that’s how you open up the portal to get there.” I have no idea. I’m like, “You just take the wheel.” No idea what’s going on. I mentioned… I was like, “Is there maybe a quicker way to go because my show’s still on.” And she goes like this, “Okay, come on, let’s take the shortcut.” I didn’t say it, but I definitely thought, next time start with the fucking shortcut. So, she leads me outside to my backyard and she goes like this, “Here it is.” “No, no. This isn’t a secret at all.” I’ve known about this place since I bought it. It’s my own backyard. I’ve had it for three years. “My dogs shit here. They know about it, too.” I thought she was gonna change who I was. Instead, I checked into my gangster heart. I looked in her eyes and I thought, “Just another lying-ass bitch.” [audience laughing] I’ve been down this road before. Betrayal is a motherfucker. “That’s how you got so real in the first place, dawg.” So, I looked at her and I went, “fucking peace.” And I pivoted and I walked back to my house. I took about three or four steps and that’s when I heard, “Hey, Chris.” I’m like, “Oh, shit. She got more heat for that ass, huh?” Fuck that. She ain’t changing nothing. You’re still real as fuck. “See what the hell she want.” So, I turn around and say, “Yeah? What the fuck you want now?” And this time she’s pointing and she says, “Hey, look, there’s an orange tree.” And I looked and there was an orange tree. I have an orange tree. I didn’t know that, okay? [audience laughing] That’s a secret, but still, fuck her. She didn’t know, right? I was surprised. I was like, “Shit. How you…? Oh, my God, you brought this like you brought this shit with you.” But I played it cool. I was like, “All right, yeah.” Thanks for showing me that shit that I 100 percent already knew that I definitely without a doubt already had. “Peace.” So, I took a few steps back to my house. And that’s when I heard in the background, “Hey, Chris.” “Like, she really trying to change a motherfucker. Fuck that.” She ain’t changing nothing. You… Well, you do now have an orange tree that you didn’t know about. But that don’t change who you are on the inside. Now, basically, you’re still the same you. Only you can enjoy a delicious orange whenever you so choose. Yeah, player. Good logic. “See what the fuck she want now.” So, I turn around real as fuck and I say, “Yeah? What the fuck you want now?” She’s still pointing, not wavering at all, being a kid, and she says, “Well, um, do you want to pick one?” And I’m like, “Man, I don’t give a fuck about this whole situation”, but… I am taller than you and… logistically, it does make sense.” So, I grabbed the orange like a boss and I handed it to her. And in my head I thought, “Don’t ever say I never did nothing for you.” A favor for a favor. That’s the code of the streets. You hear me? One day, and it may not be tomorrow, I may come knocking on your door “and ask you for, like, a banana or some shit. Anyway… bye.” I pivot. I take a few steps back to my house. And that’s when I hear in the background again, “Hey, Chris.” Like, “She really sinking her hooks in, man. Fuck that.” You’re real. Take them hooks out. Show her what’s up.” So, I turned around and said, “Yeah, what the fuck you want now?” She’s still standing there, not wavering at all. Not caring how real I’m trying to keep it, just being a kid. And she says, “Well, um, do you want to pick one for yourself?” [audience] Aw. No, don’t go “aw,” fuck this bitch. She’s changing you and she’s not even really here right now. Know how hard it was to keep streets real while looking at her fucking angel eyes? But I did want one. I mean, they looked so fucking good. [audience laughing] So, I was like, “Man, you know what? Let’s strike a deal, man.” You could eat that shit and pick that orange as long as you do it while you’re keeping it real and you eat it while you’re watching The First 48. “Yeah, player. Good logic.” So, I grabbed it. And she was being so cute that, like, she was really starting to make me fucking emotional. I went… I went, “Bye.” I barely looked at her. I went, “Okay, bye.” And I pivoted and I walked back quickly. As soon as I touched the doorknob of my door, I hear in the background: “Hey, Chris.” And I’m running on empty. I got no gas left in the tank. I take my last breath, I turn around and I say: “Yeah, what the fuck you want now?” And she knew she had me. She was even cuter at this point. She was smaller, her eyes got bigger. Someone did her hair in the meantime. And she looks at me, no bullshit, and she actually says: “Well, I was wondering, um, do you want to come to my birthday party?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [♪♪♪] ♪ Fire Man ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ Yo, is this off or what? It is, right? Whoa, you’ve got to fix this shit. [woman] Sorry. Sorry. Are we good? – What? [woman] I said, sorry. You did this shit? What, are you fucking telepathic? [audience laughing] Starts cutting out and shit like an M. Night Shyamalan movie or shit. Oh, fuck. “I’m sorry.” It’s fucking… You guys fucking apologize over everything. [audience cheering] Literally… Literally had nothing to do with it. “I’m sorry.” “Was that you?” “No, but, you know, the universe. I’m in it.” [audience laughing] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/daniel-tosh-completely-serious-2007-full-transcript/ | DANIEL TOSH: COMPLETELY SERIOUS (2007) – Full Transcript | daniel tosh | Recorded at OC Pavilion in Santa Ana, CA Dan, in five minutes. Daniel. Let’s begin. Ladies and gentlemen. Daniel Tosh. Thank you. Thank you. I deserve that. I’m really good. One of the best. That’s yeah, the best. Currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up, you guys are in for a treat. 19000 people. This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously don’t look around. It’s 19,000. People watching the TV they never know. They’re so stupid. That’s why they watch TV. It’s great to be here in the OC. Diversity. That’s what I like about the OC. You know between upper middle and upper. My people. Oh, there anything more annoying than the poor? Always complaining: “Aw, I can’t afford a two-bedroom townhouse for six hundred thousand dollars.” Good, move east. Yeah, that’s what the middle of the country’s for. People that gave up on their dreams. Oh, that’s gonna, sting isn’t, tourist? Alright, how much longer do I have— holy cow! That opening did not take long enough. We have another 55 minutes. I tell you how long I’ve been on stage. I think that’s nice. I don’t have to. Ever been in church: “Hey, when’s this fucker going to wrap it up? We got kick off! Why does God hate football season? I wish he was arrested on a Wednesday. It’s so hard to be a Christian in the west coast time zone. I probably shouldn’t talk about church and say fucking in the same sentence. Or on Comedy Central. They don’t want me to swear. But, I love to swear and I don’t know that I’m not allowed to swear. Right? What if I die get up to heaven and God’s like: “Hey, man. Welcome to fuckin’ heaven.” “Oh, my. What did you say?” He’s like: “Welcome to fucking heaven.” “You can swear?” He’s like: “Fuck yeah! It’s fucking heaven.” “Oh, see I was always raised as a child never to swear.” “Where in the Bible does it say you can’t fucking swear?” I’m like: “No fucking where.” He’s like: “Yeah. Now you’re getting it. By the way I saw some slutty bitches by the pearly gates. You can go tap that. They ain’t getting in.” I’m like: “What?” He’s like: “No, I’m kidding. You’re not in heaven. You’re in hell. You’re on PUNK’D.” Oh, damn you, Ashton. That one was elaborate. Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife you’re a douchebag. Hope you enjoy charity banging that geriatric for eternity. Am I right? It’s so gross. “I hope I get famous in my early 20 so I can settle down and marry some middle-aged forty-year-old with a bunch of kids. That’ll throw off the scent of the gay trail.” Haha. I guess it has, I guess it has. Women like that Demi married a younger man because guys do it all the time and no one gives him grief for, but if a woman does it becomes an issue. OK. But the flip side of that is how about when a hot female teacher bangs a 14 year old student and nobody in society really has a problem with it. They all the same stupid joke: “Probably made the kid more popular.” That’s disgusting. She’s a pedophile, she should be in prison forever. I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn’t make me cooler. And a lot of you’re like: “That’s because you were home schooled.” OK. Valid. Valid point. Doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It just means statistically I’m smarter than you are. And I had game. A leopard can carry two times its body weight into a tree. I don’t have a joke for that yet. But it is accurate and just in case you hate my stand-up at least you can leave going: “You know what I learned something. That guy’s like a damn Snapple.” Right? You might not like the flavor, but once you pop the top you’re: “Ohhh, the Sun is hot! 45 million degrees Fahrenheit! It feels warmer. Tahoe’s west of LA? Bullshit, Snapple!” Then I saw a globe and I’m like: “I’m sorry, Snapple. You are always right.” Got to seal up the borders in this country that’s for sure. Yeah, I’m not talking about Mexico, either. I love Mexico. Beautiful beaches and fifty dollars never bought me so much weed. Sure, there were branches in it. I don’t care. In a garbage bag. I was king for a day. I’m talking about Canada. Stay in your own yard. I’m so sick of these Canadians down here. Always complaining, right? “It’s nice here but I couldn’t live here. I love seasons, too much. I love seasons.” So do I. That’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones. Because, I love seasons. Why don’t you ice skate your ass back up to your log cabin and enjoy that 10-month dead period? Where you get to stay inside day after day and eventually have to stab your wife to death that just so you can see some color. Oh, that’s my favorite season. Where your wife is lying dead on the floor. Those reds! Am I right? It’s like Maine. We should get lobster.
I don’t think I could ever stab somebody because I’m really bad with the Capri Sun. And other reasons that even fewer would laugh at. No? Okay. No Juicy, Juicy, Juicy. This is my water. This is gonna be exciting. I wish it didn’t have that many rotations to take the lid off. Had I known that I would have pre-screwed it two turns. Sometimes I feel bad because secretly I hope New Orleans gets nailed again. But, but, but, but, then I don’t. What? You’d rather spend billions rebuilding the city that’s below sea level? I’ve got another business plan. Cut our losses and finish the job, Lord. I’m sorry s– one guy. Yeah, that’s like: “You know what, I came to a comedy club. I hope there’s jokes and sarcasm.” The rest of you are… I’m a half full guy. New Orleans gets flooded, I said to myself: “If any city in this country needed a bath, it was New Orleans. That. Cajuns are dirty. That’s a fact. That’s French and redneck merging. That’s a hygiene combination no antiperspirant can tackle. And I’m not– I’m not somebody that doesn’t understand why you would “oh”. We had a horrible tragedy in our country, that’s not bad enough. What’s right around the corner to make everything worse? Blatant racism. And it was obvious in New Orleans. We all know it wasn’t just black people looting, that’s for sure. There were tons of Mexicans there. There were. And nobody was pointing the finger. I will. I see a Jose. “Drop the VCR! The hell are you stealing a VCR for, anyway? They don’t even make VHS tapes. Why don’t you steal a TiVo? That’s what I would steal.” But, I don’t have to because I’m white and I’ve had one for 3 years. That’s– That’s not racial. That’s a fact. I’ve almost had one for 4 years. I’m not gonna say that. How does that make the joke better? “I’ve had a TiVo for 4 years.” “Who’s the dick?” So I say three years to soften it. Wherever you live there’s risk. I mean we accept that. We live here. Oh, California. We have earthquakes, mudslides. The rest of the country thinks it’s hysterical: “Haha! That’s what you guys get for building your houses on the side of cliffs.” That’s because we have shit to look at, Tulsa. Why don’t you keep your mouth shut and enjoy that new strip mall? Oh, I hear they’re gonna put a Chili’s in it. That’s gonna be super sweet. On Thursdays they’re doing 2 4 and appetizers. I’m gonna go Pizza Pop where you get spinach artichoke dip. I wanna get chicken fingers. You’re chicken Caesar salad. It’s a different kind of chicken. Oh, that joke was long and worth it. Do you know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable. I wrote that joke so children could watch my show on TV and not be embarrassed in front of their parents. I was watching the country music channel the other day and I fell asleep and I woke up racist. Ah, that explains the holes in my linens. Saw a guy driving on the highway with his bare foot out the window. Can we agree that that’s disgusting? Right, so I was gonna pull next to him to scream at him and then I realized it was an amputee making a left. I know but I already started to yell so I’m: “Oh, your blinkers out!” And he waved or kicked. Received the information. If anybody ever asks you for directions and you have to point, point with 4 fingers. The look on their face will be the funniest thing you saw all day long. Just be: “Oh, yeah. It’s over there.” “Are you yelling at me?” “No. Just go that way to the left. That’s how you get there. Well, then you should have asked the walrus.” My girlfriend is Korean for this joke. And we met online and people make jokes about it but that’s not how eBay works. You research, wait for one without a reserve. None of this buy it now. I don’t have a girlfriend, oh. She got so mad. She hated I that always corrected her. And I told her: “How do you think it made me feel? Knowing I was dating someone who was always wrong?” And I’m in show business. Oh, she would get so jealous when I cheated on her. And I would tell her: “Maybe if you had a better body, I wouldn’t have to. Instead of ‘Ohing’, why don’t you get on a treadmill, put on 8 with an incline because I’m not gonna stick around with back fat.” And she’s like: “I’m not fat, I’m pregnant.” I’m like: “Whatever. It’s gross. Now make me a sandwich.” Then I give her kidney shot. Not a hard one. Just so “You know I love honey turkey.” POW! “He likes turkey. I need more iron in my diet.” That’s a bruise joke. People are like: “Oh, he punched a pregnant girlfriend.” She wasn’t pregnant. She’s pro choice. Does that make you uncomfortable? Move to South Dakota. Hear they’re taking rights. You know that South Dakota is the first state in our country to make abortion completely illegal. And it doesn’t affect me because good luck finding someone in South Dakota that I’d have sex with. Have you seen them? There is no talent on that team. That’s a AAA club at best. And if you’re not pro-choice, all that means you’ve never slept with a stripper in Kansas City. Cause that’s a phone call no man wants. “Guess who’s gonna be joining us for breakfast? Cinnamon Junior.” “Not if my seven hundred dollars has anything to say about it. Now clean it out.” I know. But he had a really bad dad.
I’m reading the crowd. One more abortion joke? You got it. All right. I could tell. I could tell. I do this for a living. Have you heard about this morning after pill or as I like to call it breakfast in bed? That a few women have taken and died a few days later? Ho, talk about two birds. Oh, yeah. “Looks like I will be going to the game this weekend, fellas. Drinks are on me. I had a great week.” Poker’s a sport? Then put it in the Olympics. And you can only play with what your country’s worth. How great would that be, being American? “Looks like Costa Rica’s all in with 15 coconuts.” “We’re gonna to call. Hasta luego, small blind. Shouldn’t have limped. Go cry about your bad beat to Nicaragua. They got guns. Do you guys even get what my show’s about? Huh? Do you? I’m talking about bringing the troops home. That’s the message. It’s not obvious, but it’s there. Bring the troops home tomorrow and continue the war here! Because we owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds with their families. Wake up in the morning have a delicious breakfast, drive to war. We can have it in Nebraska. We don’t need that horrible state. That can be our field. Some of you are: “Oh, it’s not nice! Then we wouldn’t have any corn!” My SUV doesn’t run on corn. Ethanol is a dream and a dumb one. And let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why there’s storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me anyplace. Get me the hell out of there! No wonder they’re all fat. It’s so they will stay on the ground. And yes I do that joke in Omaha. And I stare at them while I’m saying it. And I’m sure they’d love to scream at me, but they can’t because they’re too busy eating fried mayonnaise ball. “I’ll get to you later, boy. These are delicious! Server! Another bucket! Quickly! I felt my blood moving!” Parade or fireworks? Which do you go to? Fireworks. Of course. I don’t even have a joke for the moron that yells: “Parade!” “I would go to a parade. I’m here alone because I make horrible decisions.” You don’t even know when a parade’s finished. Do you? Like: “Oh, is that it? Can we go? I’d like to wash the gay off me.” And it’s sticky. Fireworks. You know when they’re finished. The finale. It’s pretty impressive. Parades could learn a thing or two. They need a finale. My recommendation? One more lap. 60 times the speed. Bands on a full sprint. Floats going 80. Midgets falling off cause they have little fingers. They can’t hold on. Right? So kids are catching them. “Mom, can we keep him?” “I don’t see why not. They’re not real.” They’re not. They can’t even vote in our country. OK. They can vote, but they’ve no clue who they picked. They’re jumping up, grabbing levers. And that’s the story of how President Bush won the election. Oh, yes I did. That joke had a happy ending. Mmm, I was like a– Bless you. They say bless you because they used to believe evil spirit were in your soul. So whenever I have to sneeze I encourage my friends to be like: “Get out of him! Get out of him!”
You ever have to sneeze and you can’t sneeze and have the worst feeling? Do you know what it means? An angel in heaven faked an orgasm. It’s true. I read that in Revelations. Or had a messed-up dream. Either way it was hard to believe. My jeans faded, your jeans with holes in them. Yet they’re not this old. That’s how we bought them. That’s ridiculous. I say give them brand new to the homeless. Let them age it. Then take it back, wash it, sell it. That way we can clothe the homeless, but we can still look down on them, because they’re not in style. We need classes. Know your role. Don’t you love that one: “Money doesn’t buy happiness.” Do you live in America? Because it buys a waverunner. You ever seen a sad person on a waverunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a waverunner. They’re so awesome. It’s just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren’t laughing. We all miss your cousin. But not not laughing is not gonna bring him back. I don’t think that’s right. He’s dead for a reason. He’s was a show-off and he tried to spray us. “I didn’t wanna to get wet!” I yelled at his mother at the funeral. Do you like how I start jokes with mass appeal and continue till only six people have a clue what I’m talking about? That’s not a good style. That doesn’t make you famous. Of course money buys happiness. Ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s: no. They’re not allowed. I once saw a homeless person start to skip, bottle him right in the dome. He forgot the rules. He’ll remember next time. Yeah, I threw it. I don’t care. Why is he happier than me? He shouldn’t be, I’m rich. Spiritually. You ever hear a girl say that? “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” I reply: “I’m not honest, but you’re really interesting. Let’s have cider and talk about your crazy cats. Maybe three hours from now I can dry hump you. No? Okay, then scattergories.” That’s second base in Christian baseball. Some loose girls play as a singles. Slow down ladies! I’m all for women that decided to get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you the rare opportunity to make your outer appearance reflect your inner appearance. Fake. Which is a positive joke for women unless of course you have fake boobs. Let’s be honest you’re not bright enough to get that joke. How’s that feel, whores? Yeah, just keep telling yourself you did it so your shirts would fit better. You did it because you’re a whore. You forgot because you’re stupid. Enjoy your free drinks. I’ll buy. I love big titties! Yeah! You got big titties then top-shelf. Small titties? Beer in a can.
You ever been to a third world country? Not a boob job in the bunch, yet they still find happiness. And that’s discouraging because they’re tough to look at. No, no, I know you have a harelip, but why not work on that rack first? I’m from America, I don’t speak your booga-booga language. By the way, I hate soccer. And we wonder why other countries think we’re a trainwreck, when we have shows like “The Swan Extreme Makeover”. “I don’t wanna develop a personality you’re better off cutting my face.” “Am I happy? Am I– This is the expression I ordered. Happy.” Put me on Extreme Makeover. I’d like a vagina under my arm. Yeah, that’s extreme. I don’t even know if they can do this surgery. Whatever. I signed the waiver. Let’s go, doc! Drill! You know how I like it. 516 and juicy like a starburst. This joke get’s worse. Hang in there. Alright? My friends be: “You look different.” I’ll be: “Uh huh.” “Oh man! Are you ticklish? Are you?” “All right, come on, guys! Two fingers. There you go. Oh, yeah. That feels so good. Now I know why I call you best friend forever.”
I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t pander in my act. But just in case there’s any women in here that have had plastic surgery or considering getting plastic surgery know that I’m just making light of a social issue. I don’t give a shit either way at all. Please save your breath. Don’t come to me after show make: “I’ve got fake boobs and I’m not stupid.” That’s the only thing I’ve come up with to make that moment equally uncomfortable for you. I know you’re not stupid. I’m telling jokes. I’ve had plastic surgery. I could care less who knows. I have. How old do you think I am? Mm? I’m 59. I am. Check my Myspace page. You can’t lie on there. I’m 59. My lips are not this voluptuous.
I don’t know if you’re familiar with the procedure, but they will take some from your back section inject it into your lips. What? I don’t have a lot back there. So I was forced to use my dick fat. Because, I’ve always been told I have a fat dick. That’s why I wear black condoms. Because, they’re slimming. That’s a joke. I don’t wear condoms. I don’t. I don’t. It’s against my religion. I’m kind of mad that you asked.
Do you know how hard it is to grow up when you’re a little bit different than all the other kids? Every day in school I would hear it: “There goes Daniel. He’s got a fat fat dick!” And I would run home crying: “Mother, why is my dick so fat?” And she’d like: “Because, your real father’s Samoan.” “Is that why I hate The Rock?” And she said yes and then we watched “The Rundown” and we wept. And yes chronologically this joke makes no sense at all. But I don’t know any older Samoans so The Rock is my dad. Whoa! That joke was loooong. Oh, yeah. Guess who has cat-like reflexes? Me. Thank you. Cat-like reflexes. Look at this. Watch this. I can do that every time, ladies. Am I right? “I’ll put it in.” Alright, let’s edit out the me going like that. My mom would absolutely So disgusting. What’s wrong with me? Chapstick. You know what, let me tell you something. Chapstick. First of all, if you’re a man and you put your on, you have to put it on all the way around. You can’t just put on the bottom and go… I mean you can, but then you have to keep the chapstick in your asshole. Which isn’t a bad idea because I’m always losing my chapstick.
My favorite part of the day is when my upper lip gets dry enough that I can tuck it in and it stays. I’m always like: “Yay! It’s this time!” Because, it reminds me of how shallow I really am. Because I could meet the most beautiful woman in the world, but if her lip was like that I’d be: “Ho-ho! No way! Seriously, somebody get me a stick. I’m gonna beat this mutant.” Okay, here’s a joke that’s not gonna work, but I have to do it. Why? Because there are people out there that will find this funny and I’m not so selfish that I don’t care about them as well. I’m sick of the media making female sport athletes into supermodels when they’re clearly sixes at best. I don’t need to be told how hot Danica Patrick is. Do you really think she’s beautiful? Danica? She’s 4’11 and bowlegged. You ever watched her walk to her car? There’s nothing hot about her. Maybe it’s sexy when her hair is blowing in the wind as she’s in last place. Or Maria Sharapova. “She’s breathtaking!” Really? When she was 13 and grunting I was into it, but now it doesn’t do much for me. It’s like the Olsen twins. It’s just gotten sad. I kind of hope one of them ODs so I can stop guessing. Applause break on a joke I’ve never said before on my special. That’s rare. I’m just saying. I’m not tooting my own horn. I’ve never said that in my life. Fucking improving up here. God. It’s unbelievable. I can kegel 75 pounds. Is that a lot? Is that good? I don’t know. I’m told it’s good. Three sets of 40.
Is there any men in here that have a ponytail right now? I swear to God I want to see some of it. Do you have a ponytail? No, you don’t. Oh, you were just trying to help me? Like, like– I hate him. A man with a ponytail is saying: “Hey! Don’t fuck with me.” While a man with pigtails is saying: “Here. Hold these while you fuck me.” It’s a subtle difference, but it speaks volumes. It’s all about that part. You think there’s any case of polite Tourette’s in the world? Like one random person yells out random compliments for no reason all. “Lovely smile! Sorry, I have a disease.” You’d be: “Don’t worry about it. That was nice.” “Lovely hat!” I think two examples is enough. Next joke. How does Superman fly faster? Can anyone answer me this? How did Supe– I get that he can fly. I accept that. I just wanna know how he flies faster. Is it just like more… It’s the only part I don’t understand. Does he have different settings like: “Oh, this is my cruising speed I can one-arm-it with a bitch. You know, take her around town.” I just need some nerd to talk to me after a show: “See, what happened when the planet exploded…” And I’ll tell you what a vagina feels like. Are we even? You know there’s actually a blood test out now where you can find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it’s an HIV test. I know. OK, I know. It’s not a great joke, I know, but it’s a hundred percent accurate. I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I’m tired of walking 5k. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sweat for cancer. I’ll write a check. I have high-definition television because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on CSI. I need some more clarity in this house. Have this case wrapped up in a half an hour. That way I don’t have to listen to Gil Grissom ramble on about bugs. We get it. You like maggots. You’re weird. I just burped. Did you guys hear that? It’s weird I’m actually mad because earlier today I had a black and chicken wrap and they forgot the ranch and when I burped I was like “You know what? I’m mad again that there was no ranch on it.” Like that burp would have been better had there been ranch. Did anybody see the Oprah Winfrey episode where she had a little girl in there born with a rare disease where she didn’t feel pain? Like she put her hand on the stove she knows it’s hot she’d leave it there. It was a nightmare for the parents. They had to check on their child constantly to make sure she wasn’t hurt, because she would never cry. And I got so sad because at that moment I realized I can never have kids. If that was my kid I would’ve been like: “Honey! We have to talk! Our kid is a fucking superhero! Yes! I got her in the UFC fight this weekend. I don’t know. I think she’s gonna do great. I snapped her arm six hours ago. She didn’t tap out! I love her! She will be the next Royce Gracie!” I love that Kobe Bryant puts out a commercial this year: “Hate me because I’m a champion. Hate me because of my work ethic.” It’s like we hate you because you were accused of rape. What planet does he live in where he’s like: “Seriously guys, why are they pissed off? Because of the rape? Are you sure? That doesn’t add up.” I love basketball and I love college basketball and I’m happy that the NBA finally made a rule change. Forcing high school athletes to play at least one year of college ball. It’s a great rule change for college basketball. I came up with one more. Just for college. Why not let white players get one more point? Right? Who cares? Not gonna affect the games at all. Gonna make them feel like they’re contributing. A valuable lesson to learn in college and to remind the black athletes that no matter how hard they try in this country, they’ll always make less than their white counterpart. Laughter is the right response. White people going “Oooh” is ridiculous. You reap the benefits, you just don’t like it thrown in your face. “I hate making more money for no reason!” Secretly, I love it. I just wanted the black people here to see me go “Oooh!” So they be: “Oh, that most be one of the good white people.” But, you’re not. That’s why they’re gonna shoot you after the show. Oh, how’s that feel, you cracker? My fo-fo makes all your kids don’t grow. Miss you, 2Pac. I love when people act like they don’t understand why the rest of the world may hate our country. We have a game show in our country called Survivor. That’s a game in our country. Where you can win a million dollars for surviving 30 days in a place where people already live. Do you realize what kind of message that sends? “I’ve been here for 60 years. May I have some bread?” “No. We’re Americans. This is a game. We don’t have our cell phones. This is really hard. I don’t even get service here anyway. I’m a Cingular. They merged with AT&T. I’m suppose to have double the bars. I have no bars. And I hate this island of Wahapui. Which I thought was a shampoo by Paul Mitchell. It’s not. That’s Awapuhi. And it smells good.” You can’t celebrate in football anymore. That’s a rule change. Are you kidding me? If I score a touchdown, which is unlikely because I went undrafted yet again. Despite a solid 40 and great hands. I will celebrate. And I’m not gonna point to the heavens either, I’m gonna go like this. Because God is everywhere. He is. He’s in my soul. He can be in yours you have to invite him. He’s like a vampire. The dude’s got rules. “Stop celebrating and just do your job.” Their job’s to catch a ball. I don’t care if you get in the endzone and have a 10-minute tea party. It’s a game. Just don’t get mad at me when you’re paralyzed from the neck down, being carted off the field cause some free safety took your head off. And you see me in the stand going: “Ho-ho! Dance now, you overpaid clown! How does it feel to know God hates you? Maybe V8 will sponsor a vegetable!” Yeah, moan all you want. I love defense. DE-FENSE! That’s what chant I start in my section. Usually 118, lower bowl. You see me at a football game, I got a big letter D. I’m going: “D!” My friend Carl he’s got a fence. Chain-link not white picket. We’re not faggots. One of us is. It’s gross. Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult. Am I right? Saw a guy wearing a What Would Jesus Do? bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes. And the kid could see. And he wasn’t used to the light and it was bright and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. OK, people that are laughing I’m gonna call you half-full. Because you’re focusing on the important part of the story. The bracelets are working. I took my What Would Jesus Do? bracelet and put it on my Jewish friend’s wrist, it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent. We both started laughing. We left it there. We hate snakes. We think they’re slimy. Even though we know they’re not. Do you get the joke? I’m making fun of people take the bracelets too literally. They’re not magical. They’re a reminder to be a better person, to live a better life. And if you need a rubber band around your wrist to be that, here’s an idea. Take it off and snap yourself in the eye and see if that wakes you. I wore What Would Jesus Do? bracelet. In a movie theater once to see if it worked. A cell phone went off. One of those obnoxious rings where it’s a song. And he didn’t want to answer because the good part’s coming. Then he answers the phone in the theater. “What’s going on? No, I’m in the movies.” This is what I said verbatim and I’m not going to censor myself: “Hey, buddy. Get off the phone, please.” This is what he says to me: “Shut up and mind your own business, asshole.” Ha! Now, there’s trouble in River City. I’m a man. Not much of one, but a man. I will choke you if you’re younger, smaller and preferably white. I had my hands on his neck and then I saw my bracelet staring right back at me. What Would Jesus Do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell. I did. I had to. Amen. I waste so much time in my life. I could’ve accomplished so much more, but I have no dreams. Like real dreams. I sit at home thinking about: “How come nobody with a Lamborghini ever pulls up next to me: ‘Hey, man. You want this car?’ I’m like: ‘Fuck yeah! I do! Yes! I got a Lamborghini today!'” This never happen. Think that’s wasted energy. I want to get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be: “Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves. It was beautiful. I bet that’s John Woo’s kid.” Oh, balcony appreciating a Woo reference. Front row guy’s going: “Yes.” The rest of you google it. I don’t care. Hate you, Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I shared a computer with my girlfriend. She’d look up anything. “I’m gonna look up apples today.” She sets to “A”. Asian ass porn instantly! Google’s like: “I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up. Every time you hit A it’s Asian ass porn!” Google, all I ask is you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. It’s bad enough I’m clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. I’m trying to have an honest relationship and you’re fucking my shit up. And guess what? When I’m looking up Asian ass porn, guess who has all the time in the world? Oh, I do. I’ve got the house locked. The plantation shutters are closed. My keyboard is in a safe but reachable distance. Do you appreciate the picture I am painting? I am jerking it in this joke! This is highbrow stuff, guys. I’m gonna be so famous. I shave all my pubes. I don’t know why I looked at you when I said that. But I thought you would appreciate it. Why? Because I’d like to have the fastest sex ever. That’s why. I got three and a half seconds off my best time. Congratulations, little Phelps. Check off swimming joke. Got one! I wrote that joke because my friend’s a swimmer. He’s like: “Why do you shave all your pubes?” I’m like: “Why are you in my bathroom?” “Cause, I enjoy watching you poop.” And I’m like: “Okay no more slumber parties. That’s creepy.” And sure I do it adorable. Both elbows and knees, fingers crossed, chin down. That’s my business. Close the door! I got the Bellagio coming out of my ass, I don’t need an audience. Highbrow poop joke. My father said “Impossible”, I said “Nay”. Top that, Bob Newhart. Do you love goose down feathers? Do you have the trifecta? Mattress pad, pillows, comforter. Oh, it’s like sleeping in heaven. Till that quill comes through the pillowcase and sticks you in the eye. And says: “How’s that feel bitch? Huh? You like sleeping on my carcass? Do you?” Goose why do you hurt so good? Maybe a higher thread count. 600 does the trick. Quit sleeping on 12. That’s hay. Spend the money. It’s 1/3 of your life. Sorry. My nose itched. Hello, Carol Burnett’s daughter. I think I’m too young for that reference and it doesn’t warrant an “Awww”. When I die, which is gonna be in four years. Yay! It’s the only thing I can plan. I’m gonna be cremated from the neck down. Yeah, then at my funeral when people are talking about me they have to hold my head. And then at the end they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least 3 hits or else you have to start the whole service over. And no cradlement. I want legit sets. Anyone seen Karch? Do you guys daydream about being on the Price Is Right as much as I do? Contestants throw the last bid of the sweet spot. What are you gonna do? You’re the last bidder. “One dollar.” Does your hoodie sweatshirt say “I go to the University of I waste my bid”? Because that’s what you just did. That’s dumb. The best bid statistically you have to muster up some courage to go, OK. “I need to know what the highest bid was. “7.” “OK, 7,1.” “Ruined your day, didn’t I, lady? Huh? You got an awfully small window. Hope you nailed it.” I don’t know why you wanna nail it anyway. So you can go onstage, reach into some old guy’s pocket for a hundred-dollar bill? My grandpa used to do that all the time. There was no hundred-dollar bill. There was a whole in his pocket and no underwear on. Excuse me. Don’t you go “Ooh.” My grandpa was a great man. If wanted his balls touched by a little boy he was gonna to get it. He shed blood for your freedoms and don’t you forget it. I think I’m on the wrong side of that one, I get it. You ever said the silent prayer when you see the old lady spinning the wheel hoping once in your lifetime she gets caught underneath and it snaps her back right in half? And a pool of blood comes around and lands on a dollar. Bob starts peeing himself. He can’t hold it. Not at that age. It’s dangerous. So he’s peeing, laughing. “Get up bitch! You have a bonus spin!” Take the bonus spin seriously. What are the greens worth in the bonus spin? 5,000. That is a lot of coin. It’s gonna slow your heart rate down, you gonna bid more effectively in the showdown. Now you’re in the one seat, you gonna bid or pass? Bid or pass? Pass! Pass! Of course. It’s rookie! The first showdown? Carpet, couch, the net set. I’m not on the Queer Price Is Right, am I? I signed up the straight one, yeah. I’m gonna send that South. I’d like the second showdown. That one has a waverunner and a camper. It’s a white-trash starter kit. I know, I know. A lot of you’re like: “We don’t even have a trailer hitch.” Screw you. You’re camping in your driveway. Maybe you can buy an inflatable pool so your kid can drown. Or maybe you can spend more than a hundred dollars on a pool. You’re a horrible parent and I’m glad your grass died. Are we down to six people? Perfect. Okay. “Well, I don’t get the last part. I mean, obviously the last, but what? The grass died? What does that mean?” “Well, if you leave the pool out for a day or so it kills your lawn.” “I rent an apartment.” “That joke’s clearly not for you. Maybe if you’re nice I’ll do a poorer version later.” I won’t. I will not. I heart President Bush. President Bush has done some great things. I don’t know if you’re aware of this but ’07, extending daylight savings time two months longer. Yeah, I’m aboard. Thank you. That’s great. Do you not know this? Next year it’s two months longer. It’s not new months like Recktober and Toyotathon. Which I’m sure he tried. “What are you talking about?” “Nevermind. I’m gonna go to the ranch. I’ll see in seven weeks. That storm cut my last one short.” Okay, first of all day light savings time was created for farmers and there’s only four of them left, so I don’t think they warrant half the calendar year. I say keep it 50/50 but instead of one hour forward, ready? Ready? Five hours forward! Suck it! By the way if you ever have a job where you have to give speeches in front of people pepper in the phrase “Suck it!” Very empowered. Just be: “As you can see from our PowerPoint presentation suck it…” And your clients be: “Did he– did he say suck it? I like this guy. He’s a go-getter.” Okay, I say change from 1 to 5 hours forward because people with 9-to-5 jobs you’ve gotten so selfish and complacent with the daylight. You get it all the time. People that work at night, a third of this country according to a survey I made up for this joke, we get robbed. It’s not fair. Half year. 5 hours forward. Means the sun’s rising at noon. Means I don’t feel like such a piece of shit every morning when I’m waking up. I’m like: “Wow, the sun’s just now coming up? I’m might mail a letter and get groceries today. Time for me to turn his life around. Starting tomorrow. Because today there’s a Laguna Beach marathon on MTV. And I’m gonna get caught up on season 3. Try to figure out why they’re so fucking ugly this year.” And that joke’s not even over! Are you kidding me? And sexually transmitted diseases would drop off completely! Oh, I’ll feed you, baby birds. Do you think I’d leave you with a cliffhanger? That’s not my style. 5 hours forward, think about it. That means the sun’s setting at 2 in the morning. Means, guys you are at a bar, pumping drinks into some girl. You get to bring her outside in the daylight. Yeah, you’d be like: “Noo! I had a lovely time this evening, but I will see your ass back in standard time where you belong.” And she’s like: “Oh, he’ll be back. They always come back for my coochie in the dark.” And you will be like: “Thank you, Daniel and your new daylight savings time. You kept me from having sex with a pterodactyl.” And you don’t want to sleep with a pterodactyl. Not at your place. They have a 14 foot wingspan minimum. They’re knocking everything off your counters. Then you have to go to Target, you’re on a budget. That place gets expensive. You go in there for two things, but then you see the frames. Who can pass up brushed silver? “I say we change all our socket covers, not just the bathroom.” Ah, you see that guy? One guy! That’s why I just kept going till one person was like: “Holy shit! That joke had everything! Oh, my goodness! Do you mind if I recap? There was sex, there was pterodactyls, the knickknacks at target. I was just telling you we should change our socket covers. This guy’s more of a prophet less of a comedian.” You’re welcome. You are welcome, sir. I think we should legalize marijuana in this country. Just so potheads have nothing to talk about ever again. Come on! It does get a little annoying after awhile. Just the: “Hey, you want to get high? – “No.” – “Why not?” “Because I’m not in the seventh grade and I have things to do. Why don’t you grow up and do coke like an adult?” Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Let’s get some meth! No? Alright. Sorry. I went too far. Oh, nothing like tweaking for 3 days. Am I right? I love flip-flops. Do you? Women it’s OK love them. Men? It’s 50/50 right? Because, you’ve been stuck, you’ve been caught, you’ve been at the airport urinal in your flip-flops. Ha! Not the best time. You’re standing there, your feet get a little wet, you haven’t started yet. Now there’s a problem. You got two choices. You can 1 ignore it live that “Kite Runner” shame as long as you can bottle it. Or you can 2 face your attacker, whisper in his ear: “Thank you. That’s what I like before a flight to Phoenix. Get me ready for the heat.” That is a golden shower and “Kite Runner” reference in the same joke. Almost impossible. Almost impossible. I pull it off because I care. Alright. I’m pro-gay marriage. Just the idea of having a man around the house. Finally I get some stuff done. “Let’s go! We got chores this weekend!” “God hates queers!” That’s me pretending to be a right-wing redneck radical protesting. Not double-fisting a black cock. You have to have the right visual or this joke’s gonna hold no weight. “Oh, he’s picketing! Okay, that makes sense.” “That didn’t look like picketing. That last part didn’t look like that.” “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!” Do you wanna know the answer between a religion and gays? Look in the Bible. Look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. We all know who sinned first. Come on ladies. Do you have to eat everything? No, I know. You were hungry. There was a snake talking to you. Stick to that story. That’s scary. If a snake told me: “Eat an apple.” I’d be: “Alright. I didn’t know you could talk! Oh, man. I hope it’s a Granny Smith. I like those. Those are sour. If it’s a Golden Delicious I’m like: “Leave me alone, snake! I’m eating peaches. You talk to me in 2 months when Fuji apples are ready.” And chronologically that joke is accurate. I know a lot about apples. Now we have to be punished for all mankind? Because of you women eating an apple? What was women’s punishment? Do you even know? Painful childbirth, menstrual cycles. Man’s punishment? We have to deal with women. That’s why I get so upset with: “God hates gays!” God doesn’t hate gay people, he’s just upset because they found a loophole in the system. Wouldn’t that upset you if you came up with a great punishment and they’re: “We are just gonna sleep with each other.”
Yeah, it’s a lot easier than listening to that: “Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, if I lost a leg would you still love me?” “What? No! A leg? Are you kidding me? That’s a bold move to test our love with a limb. You could’ve started with a fingernail, found out real quick I’m shallow. You lose a leg, I saw a guy on the freeway you’d be perfect for. Matchmaker! Honestly, girls. If there’s any woman in here that ends up dating me and you lose your leg. God forbid, I hope it doesn’t happen. But if you do and we’re dating, the only thing you can be sure of is: I will push you over. All right. I will push over and be like: “You aint’ no Weeble Wobble!” “You aint’ no Weeble Wobble!” My job is so good. That whole joke, that whole stupid long joke is just to get to a point where I can yell: “You ain’t no Weeble Wobble!” I always think it’s funny when guys find out that somebody is pregnant. And you’re a guy and you’re always talking and arguing: “Hey! Bet you hope it’s a boy! Ha? You want a boy? Right? You want a boy?” This is cheesy to say this, but in my heart, honestly, I just hope it’s black. “Thank God! I’m out of here! That was close. Sorry you have to give up on your dreams. I’m gonna go back to being selfish.” Everybody get the joke? It’s not my kid. Because I’m white. I know! Oh. You guys waited. “Is he white? Oh, he is white!” That joke is safe after all. You ever notice when people talk about where they live is a good place to raise kids what they’re trying to say is: “Where I live is really segregated.” Little too close to home for you Orange County? Got it. Got it. You definitely win that round. I didn’t have a privileged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into my yard. You don’t hear a four when you’re mowing. Nothing runs like a Deere, till there’s a Titleist lodged in your carburetor. Public golf course. Way to aim for the middle, dad! Thank you. That joke actually hurts to say, but I can do it. I think this country is ready for another Civil War. Because these NASCAR fans are out of control. Oh, there’s the line. I’ve drawn it. Pick your side. Let’s do battle. I hate NASCAR and I hate hunting. Let’s combine them. Every year at Daytona 500 we release thousands of deer on the infield. Let him roam wherever they want. No restrictor plates at this race. I want top speed. 215 plus. They’re hitting deer. They’re exploding. People in the front row they’re treating it like a Gallagher show with plastic, you know. As guts come flying over the wall. Some lucky toothless broad jumps up: “I got antlers from Jr. This is the best day of my life! Y’all wanna see my titties?” What? No. Ok. Now if we can just incorporate spousal abuse it will be like a redneck triathlon. By the way, everything I say is wrong. I get it. I don’t– I’m a complete hypocrite. I’ve dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargement. But, she was an A cup. That’s gross. Get it fixed, girl. You’re not even real woman. I know. You wanna scream at me, but you can’t. Because your training bra’s too tight. Now, she didn’t go overboard like a lot of girls do. She got a nice full double D. Classy. She had a 5’3 frame. It worked. She put squeak toys in there, I thought that was a wonderful decision. She was a clown, so it was a tax write-off. She was a sad face clown. I could never tell if she was really happy. I’d be in the bedroom for hours: “Are you there yet, Snickers? And she’d just be… “Well, could you untie my penis out of a puddle? It’s really starting to hurt.” That’s how clowns blow you. I don’t know how to do it. It’s an Asian method. And by Asia, I’m mean eastern Russia. None of that Indonesia stuff which involves a pinky around back. I don’t like it. I do like it, but on stage I say I don’t. I’m not an open book. “Guy had sex with clown. That’s disgusting. I mean it’s awesome.” No, it’s not, guy who’s still high fives. Soon as you take off the wig, the funny shoes, she’s just like any other retarded girl. I loved her. Supported her. She was in the Olympics. The ones you’re not suppose to laugh at. But when you watch the hurdles, they knock over every single one. You start to giggle. Now you’re going to hell. That’s not fair. They’re supposed to be athletes. Reube in lane 6 is chewing on the second hurdle. Sorry, I found that funny. I’ll tell you what’s not funny. They sell those foam hands “You’re number 1” except they’re shaped like that. How does that build character? Thank you.
People that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone. But I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh, feel shitty about themselves. Because, you’re all hypocrites. Televise the special winter Olympics. You’re not gonna watch? Really? “Is that guy’s standing up in the bobsled? Oh, yeah. Does he know the tunnel’s coming? Why did he pick today not to wear the helmet?” “You don’t make fun of me. I’m a handicap.” I agree with you balcony. Even though you sound like half a tard to begin with. Maybe you shouldn’t be the group spokesperson. You don’t. For many reasons. First of all they have the strength of 10 men. Which is equivalent to one chimpanzee. That’s why if you ever see retarded chimpanzee you turn and run. Okay? Because, that thing is a borderline superhero. But, Hollywood on their moral high horse, they won’t make movies about a retarded chimp. Unless of course you count a Vin Diesel movie. Which I do. Which I do. And in all fairness to me, if you’re a Vin Diesel fan, you shouldn’t be here watching me, anyway. You should be at home coloring, praying your next one gets on the refrigerator. But it won’t, because elephants aren’t orange, you idiot. Thanks a lot you guys. Have a good night. | Thank you. Thank you. I deserve that. I’m really good. One of the best. That’s yeah, the best. Currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up, you guys are in for a treat. 19000 people. This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously don’t look around. It’s 19,000. People watching the TV they never know. They’re so stupid. That’s why they watch TV. It’s great to be here in the OC. Diversity. That’s what I like about the OC. You know between upper middle and upper. My people. Oh, there anything more annoying than the poor? Always complaining: “Aw, I can’t afford a two-bedroom townhouse for six hundred thousand dollars.” Good, move east. Yeah, that’s what the middle of the country’s for. People that gave up on their dreams. Oh, that’s gonna, sting isn’t, tourist? Alright, how much longer do I have— holy cow! That opening did not take long enough. We have another 55 minutes. I tell you how long I’ve been on stage. I think that’s nice. I don’t have to. Ever been in church: “Hey, when’s this fucker going to wrap it up? We got kick off! Why does God hate football season? I wish he was arrested on a Wednesday. It’s so hard to be a Christian in the west coast time zone. I probably shouldn’t talk about church and say fucking in the same sentence. Or on Comedy Central. They don’t want me to swear. But, I love to swear and I don’t know that I’m not allowed to swear. Right? What if I die get up to heaven and God’s like: “Hey, man. Welcome to fuckin’ heaven.” “Oh, my. What did you say?” He’s like: “Welcome to fucking heaven.” “You can swear?” He’s like: “Fuck yeah! It’s fucking heaven.” “Oh, see I was always raised as a child never to swear.” “Where in the Bible does it say you can’t fucking swear?” I’m like: “No fucking where.” He’s like: “Yeah. Now you’re getting it. By the way I saw some slutty bitches by the pearly gates. You can go tap that. They ain’t getting in.” I’m like: “What?” He’s like: “No, I’m kidding. You’re not in heaven. You’re in hell. You’re on PUNK’D.” Oh, damn you, Ashton. That one was elaborate. Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife you’re a douchebag. Hope you enjoy charity banging that geriatric for eternity. Am I right? It’s so gross. “I hope I get famous in my early 20 so I can settle down and marry some middle-aged forty-year-old with a bunch of kids. That’ll throw off the scent of the gay trail.” Haha. I guess it has, I guess it has. Women like that Demi married a younger man because guys do it all the time and no one gives him grief for, but if a woman does it becomes an issue. OK. But the flip side of that is how about when a hot female teacher bangs a 14 year old student and nobody in society really has a problem with it. They all the same stupid joke: “Probably made the kid more popular.” That’s disgusting. She’s a pedophile, she should be in prison forever. I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn’t make me cooler. And a lot of you’re like: “That’s because you were home schooled.” OK. Valid. Valid point. Doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It just means statistically I’m smarter than you are. And I had game. A leopard can carry two times its body weight into a tree. I don’t have a joke for that yet. But it is accurate and just in case you hate my stand-up at least you can leave going: “You know what I learned something. That guy’s like a damn Snapple.” Right? You might not like the flavor, but once you pop the top you’re: “Ohhh, the Sun is hot! 45 million degrees Fahrenheit! It feels warmer. Tahoe’s west of LA? Bullshit, Snapple!” Then I saw a globe and I’m like: “I’m sorry, Snapple. You are always right.” Got to seal up the borders in this country that’s for sure. Yeah, I’m not talking about Mexico, either. I love Mexico. Beautiful beaches and fifty dollars never bought me so much weed. Sure, there were branches in it. I don’t care. In a garbage bag. I was king for a day. I’m talking about Canada. Stay in your own yard. I’m so sick of these Canadians down here. Always complaining, right? “It’s nice here but I couldn’t live here. I love seasons, too much. I love seasons.” So do I. That’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones. Because, I love seasons. Why don’t you ice skate your ass back up to your log cabin and enjoy that 10-month dead period? Where you get to stay inside day after day and eventually have to stab your wife to death that just so you can see some color. Oh, that’s my favorite season. Where your wife is lying dead on the floor. Those reds! Am I right? It’s like Maine. We should get lobster. I don’t think I could ever stab somebody because I’m really bad with the Capri Sun. And other reasons that even fewer would laugh at. No? Okay. No Juicy, Juicy, Juicy. This is my water. This is gonna be exciting. I wish it didn’t have that many rotations to take the lid off. Had I known that I would have pre-screwed it two turns. Sometimes I feel bad because secretly I hope New Orleans gets nailed again. But, but, but, but, then I don’t. What? You’d rather spend billions rebuilding the city that’s below sea level? I’ve got another business plan. Cut our losses and finish the job, Lord. I’m sorry s– one guy. Yeah, that’s like: “You know what, I came to a comedy club. I hope there’s jokes and sarcasm.” The rest of you are… I’m a half full guy. New Orleans gets flooded, I said to myself: “If any city in this country needed a bath, it was New Orleans. That. Cajuns are dirty. That’s a fact. That’s French and redneck merging. That’s a hygiene combination no antiperspirant can tackle. And I’m not– I’m not somebody that doesn’t understand why you would “oh”. We had a horrible tragedy in our country, that’s not bad enough. What’s right around the corner to make everything worse? Blatant racism. And it was obvious in New Orleans. We all know it wasn’t just black people looting, that’s for sure. There were tons of Mexicans there. There were. And nobody was pointing the finger. I will. I see a Jose. “Drop the VCR! The hell are you stealing a VCR for, anyway? They don’t even make VHS tapes. Why don’t you steal a TiVo? That’s what I would steal.” But, I don’t have to because I’m white and I’ve had one for 3 years. That’s– That’s not racial. That’s a fact. I’ve almost had one for 4 years. I’m not gonna say that. How does that make the joke better? “I’ve had a TiVo for 4 years.” “Who’s the dick?” So I say three years to soften it. Wherever you live there’s risk. I mean we accept that. We live here. Oh, California. We have earthquakes, mudslides. The rest of the country thinks it’s hysterical: “Haha! That’s what you guys get for building your houses on the side of cliffs.” That’s because we have shit to look at, Tulsa. Why don’t you keep your mouth shut and enjoy that new strip mall? Oh, I hear they’re gonna put a Chili’s in it. That’s gonna be super sweet. On Thursdays they’re doing 2 4 and appetizers. I’m gonna go Pizza Pop where you get spinach artichoke dip. I wanna get chicken fingers. You’re chicken Caesar salad. It’s a different kind of chicken. Oh, that joke was long and worth it. Do you know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable. I wrote that joke so children could watch my show on TV and not be embarrassed in front of their parents. I was watching the country music channel the other day and I fell asleep and I woke up racist. Ah, that explains the holes in my linens. Saw a guy driving on the highway with his bare foot out the window. Can we agree that that’s disgusting? Right, so I was gonna pull next to him to scream at him and then I realized it was an amputee making a left. I know but I already started to yell so I’m: “Oh, your blinkers out!” And he waved or kicked. Received the information. If anybody ever asks you for directions and you have to point, point with 4 fingers. The look on their face will be the funniest thing you saw all day long. Just be: “Oh, yeah. It’s over there.” “Are you yelling at me?” “No. Just go that way to the left. That’s how you get there. Well, then you should have asked the walrus.” My girlfriend is Korean for this joke. And we met online and people make jokes about it but that’s not how eBay works. You research, wait for one without a reserve. None of this buy it now. I don’t have a girlfriend, oh. She got so mad. She hated I that always corrected her. And I told her: “How do you think it made me feel? Knowing I was dating someone who was always wrong?” And I’m in show business. Oh, she would get so jealous when I cheated on her. And I would tell her: “Maybe if you had a better body, I wouldn’t have to. Instead of ‘Ohing’, why don’t you get on a treadmill, put on 8 with an incline because I’m not gonna stick around with back fat.” And she’s like: “I’m not fat, I’m pregnant.” I’m like: “Whatever. It’s gross. Now make me a sandwich.” Then I give her kidney shot. Not a hard one. Just so “You know I love honey turkey.” POW! “He likes turkey. I need more iron in my diet.” That’s a bruise joke. People are like: “Oh, he punched a pregnant girlfriend.” She wasn’t pregnant. She’s pro choice. Does that make you uncomfortable? Move to South Dakota. Hear they’re taking rights. You know that South Dakota is the first state in our country to make abortion completely illegal. And it doesn’t affect me because good luck finding someone in South Dakota that I’d have sex with. Have you seen them? There is no talent on that team. That’s a AAA club at best. And if you’re not pro-choice, all that means you’ve never slept with a stripper in Kansas City. Cause that’s a phone call no man wants. “Guess who’s gonna be joining us for breakfast? Cinnamon Junior.” “Not if my seven hundred dollars has anything to say about it. Now clean it out.” I know. But he had a really bad dad. I’m reading the crowd. One more abortion joke? You got it. All right. I could tell. I could tell. I do this for a living. Have you heard about this morning after pill or as I like to call it breakfast in bed? That a few women have taken and died a few days later? Ho, talk about two birds. Oh, yeah. “Looks like I will be going to the game this weekend, fellas. Drinks are on me. I had a great week.” Poker’s a sport? Then put it in the Olympics. And you can only play with what your country’s worth. How great would that be, being American? “Looks like Costa Rica’s all in with 15 coconuts.” “We’re gonna to call. Hasta luego, small blind. Shouldn’t have limped. Go cry about your bad beat to Nicaragua. They got guns. Do you guys even get what my show’s about? Huh? Do you? I’m talking about bringing the troops home. That’s the message. It’s not obvious, but it’s there. Bring the troops home tomorrow and continue the war here! Because we owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds with their families. Wake up in the morning have a delicious breakfast, drive to war. We can have it in Nebraska. We don’t need that horrible state. That can be our field. Some of you are: “Oh, it’s not nice! Then we wouldn’t have any corn!” My SUV doesn’t run on corn. Ethanol is a dream and a dumb one. And let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why there’s storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me anyplace. Get me the hell out of there! No wonder they’re all fat. It’s so they will stay on the ground. And yes I do that joke in Omaha. And I stare at them while I’m saying it. And I’m sure they’d love to scream at me, but they can’t because they’re too busy eating fried mayonnaise ball. “I’ll get to you later, boy. These are delicious! Server! Another bucket! Quickly! I felt my blood moving!” Parade or fireworks? Which do you go to? Fireworks. Of course. I don’t even have a joke for the moron that yells: “Parade!” “I would go to a parade. I’m here alone because I make horrible decisions.” You don’t even know when a parade’s finished. Do you? Like: “Oh, is that it? Can we go? I’d like to wash the gay off me.” And it’s sticky. Fireworks. You know when they’re finished. The finale. It’s pretty impressive. Parades could learn a thing or two. They need a finale. My recommendation? One more lap. 60 times the speed. Bands on a full sprint. Floats going 80. Midgets falling off cause they have little fingers. They can’t hold on. Right? So kids are catching them. “Mom, can we keep him?” “I don’t see why not. They’re not real.” They’re not. They can’t even vote in our country. OK. They can vote, but they’ve no clue who they picked. They’re jumping up, grabbing levers. And that’s the story of how President Bush won the election. Oh, yes I did. That joke had a happy ending. Mmm, I was like a– Bless you. They say bless you because they used to believe evil spirit were in your soul. So whenever I have to sneeze I encourage my friends to be like: “Get out of him! Get out of him!” You ever have to sneeze and you can’t sneeze and have the worst feeling? Do you know what it means? An angel in heaven faked an orgasm. It’s true. I read that in Revelations. Or had a messed-up dream. Either way it was hard to believe. My jeans faded, your jeans with holes in them. Yet they’re not this old. That’s how we bought them. That’s ridiculous. I say give them brand new to the homeless. Let them age it. Then take it back, wash it, sell it. That way we can clothe the homeless, but we can still look down on them, because they’re not in style. We need classes. Know your role. Don’t you love that one: “Money doesn’t buy happiness.” Do you live in America? Because it buys a waverunner. You ever seen a sad person on a waverunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a waverunner. They’re so awesome. It’s just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren’t laughing. We all miss your cousin. But not not laughing is not gonna bring him back. I don’t think that’s right. He’s dead for a reason. He’s was a show-off and he tried to spray us. “I didn’t wanna to get wet!” I yelled at his mother at the funeral. Do you like how I start jokes with mass appeal and continue till only six people have a clue what I’m talking about? That’s not a good style. That doesn’t make you famous. Of course money buys happiness. Ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s: no. They’re not allowed. I once saw a homeless person start to skip, bottle him right in the dome. He forgot the rules. He’ll remember next time. Yeah, I threw it. I don’t care. Why is he happier than me? He shouldn’t be, I’m rich. Spiritually. You ever hear a girl say that? “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” I reply: “I’m not honest, but you’re really interesting. Let’s have cider and talk about your crazy cats. Maybe three hours from now I can dry hump you. No? Okay, then scattergories.” That’s second base in Christian baseball. Some loose girls play as a singles. Slow down ladies! I’m all for women that decided to get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you the rare opportunity to make your outer appearance reflect your inner appearance. Fake. Which is a positive joke for women unless of course you have fake boobs. Let’s be honest you’re not bright enough to get that joke. How’s that feel, whores? Yeah, just keep telling yourself you did it so your shirts would fit better. You did it because you’re a whore. You forgot because you’re stupid. Enjoy your free drinks. I’ll buy. I love big titties! Yeah! You got big titties then top-shelf. Small titties? Beer in a can. You ever been to a third world country? Not a boob job in the bunch, yet they still find happiness. And that’s discouraging because they’re tough to look at. No, no, I know you have a harelip, but why not work on that rack first? I’m from America, I don’t speak your booga-booga language. By the way, I hate soccer. And we wonder why other countries think we’re a trainwreck, when we have shows like “The Swan Extreme Makeover”. “I don’t wanna develop a personality you’re better off cutting my face.” “Am I happy? Am I– This is the expression I ordered. Happy.” Put me on Extreme Makeover. I’d like a vagina under my arm. Yeah, that’s extreme. I don’t even know if they can do this surgery. Whatever. I signed the waiver. Let’s go, doc! Drill! You know how I like it. 516 and juicy like a starburst. This joke get’s worse. Hang in there. Alright? My friends be: “You look different.” I’ll be: “Uh huh.” “Oh man! Are you ticklish? Are you?” “All right, come on, guys! Two fingers. There you go. Oh, yeah. That feels so good. Now I know why I call you best friend forever.” I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t pander in my act. But just in case there’s any women in here that have had plastic surgery or considering getting plastic surgery know that I’m just making light of a social issue. I don’t give a shit either way at all. Please save your breath. Don’t come to me after show make: “I’ve got fake boobs and I’m not stupid.” That’s the only thing I’ve come up with to make that moment equally uncomfortable for you. I know you’re not stupid. I’m telling jokes. I’ve had plastic surgery. I could care less who knows. I have. How old do you think I am? Mm? I’m 59. I am. Check my Myspace page. You can’t lie on there. I’m 59. My lips are not this voluptuous. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the procedure, but they will take some from your back section inject it into your lips. What? I don’t have a lot back there. So I was forced to use my dick fat. Because, I’ve always been told I have a fat dick. That’s why I wear black condoms. Because, they’re slimming. That’s a joke. I don’t wear condoms. I don’t. I don’t. It’s against my religion. I’m kind of mad that you asked. Do you know how hard it is to grow up when you’re a little bit different than all the other kids? Every day in school I would hear it: “There goes Daniel. He’s got a fat fat dick!” And I would run home crying: “Mother, why is my dick so fat?” And she’d like: “Because, your real father’s Samoan.” “Is that why I hate The Rock?” And she said yes and then we watched “The Rundown” and we wept. And yes chronologically this joke makes no sense at all. But I don’t know any older Samoans so The Rock is my dad. Whoa! That joke was loooong. Oh, yeah. Guess who has cat-like reflexes? Me. Thank you. Cat-like reflexes. Look at this. Watch this. I can do that every time, ladies. Am I right? “I’ll put it in.” Alright, let’s edit out the me going like that. My mom would absolutely So disgusting. What’s wrong with me? Chapstick. You know what, let me tell you something. Chapstick. First of all, if you’re a man and you put your on, you have to put it on all the way around. You can’t just put on the bottom and go… I mean you can, but then you have to keep the chapstick in your asshole. Which isn’t a bad idea because I’m always losing my chapstick. My favorite part of the day is when my upper lip gets dry enough that I can tuck it in and it stays. I’m always like: “Yay! It’s this time!” Because, it reminds me of how shallow I really am. Because I could meet the most beautiful woman in the world, but if her lip was like that I’d be: “Ho-ho! No way! Seriously, somebody get me a stick. I’m gonna beat this mutant.” Okay, here’s a joke that’s not gonna work, but I have to do it. Why? Because there are people out there that will find this funny and I’m not so selfish that I don’t care about them as well. I’m sick of the media making female sport athletes into supermodels when they’re clearly sixes at best. I don’t need to be told how hot Danica Patrick is. Do you really think she’s beautiful? Danica? She’s 4’11 and bowlegged. You ever watched her walk to her car? There’s nothing hot about her. Maybe it’s sexy when her hair is blowing in the wind as she’s in last place. Or Maria Sharapova. “She’s breathtaking!” Really? When she was 13 and grunting I was into it, but now it doesn’t do much for me. It’s like the Olsen twins. It’s just gotten sad. I kind of hope one of them ODs so I can stop guessing. Applause break on a joke I’ve never said before on my special. That’s rare. I’m just saying. I’m not tooting my own horn. I’ve never said that in my life. Fucking improving up here. God. It’s unbelievable. I can kegel 75 pounds. Is that a lot? Is that good? I don’t know. I’m told it’s good. Three sets of 40. Is there any men in here that have a ponytail right now? I swear to God I want to see some of it. Do you have a ponytail? No, you don’t. Oh, you were just trying to help me? Like, like– I hate him. A man with a ponytail is saying: “Hey! Don’t fuck with me.” While a man with pigtails is saying: “Here. Hold these while you fuck me.” It’s a subtle difference, but it speaks volumes. It’s all about that part. You think there’s any case of polite Tourette’s in the world? Like one random person yells out random compliments for no reason all. “Lovely smile! Sorry, I have a disease.” You’d be: “Don’t worry about it. That was nice.” “Lovely hat!” I think two examples is enough. Next joke. How does Superman fly faster? Can anyone answer me this? How did Supe– I get that he can fly. I accept that. I just wanna know how he flies faster. Is it just like more… It’s the only part I don’t understand. Does he have different settings like: “Oh, this is my cruising speed I can one-arm-it with a bitch. You know, take her around town.” I just need some nerd to talk to me after a show: “See, what happened when the planet exploded…” And I’ll tell you what a vagina feels like. Are we even? You know there’s actually a blood test out now where you can find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it’s an HIV test. I know. OK, I know. It’s not a great joke, I know, but it’s a hundred percent accurate. I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I’m tired of walking 5k. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sweat for cancer. I’ll write a check. I have high-definition television because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on CSI. I need some more clarity in this house. Have this case wrapped up in a half an hour. That way I don’t have to listen to Gil Grissom ramble on about bugs. We get it. You like maggots. You’re weird. I just burped. Did you guys hear that? It’s weird I’m actually mad because earlier today I had a black and chicken wrap and they forgot the ranch and when I burped I was like “You know what? I’m mad again that there was no ranch on it.” Like that burp would have been better had there been ranch. Did anybody see the Oprah Winfrey episode where she had a little girl in there born with a rare disease where she didn’t feel pain? Like she put her hand on the stove she knows it’s hot she’d leave it there. It was a nightmare for the parents. They had to check on their child constantly to make sure she wasn’t hurt, because she would never cry. And I got so sad because at that moment I realized I can never have kids. If that was my kid I would’ve been like: “Honey! We have to talk! Our kid is a fucking superhero! Yes! I got her in the UFC fight this weekend. I don’t know. I think she’s gonna do great. I snapped her arm six hours ago. She didn’t tap out! I love her! She will be the next Royce Gracie!” I love that Kobe Bryant puts out a commercial this year: “Hate me because I’m a champion. Hate me because of my work ethic.” It’s like we hate you because you were accused of rape. What planet does he live in where he’s like: “Seriously guys, why are they pissed off? Because of the rape? Are you sure? That doesn’t add up.” I love basketball and I love college basketball and I’m happy that the NBA finally made a rule change. Forcing high school athletes to play at least one year of college ball. It’s a great rule change for college basketball. I came up with one more. Just for college. Why not let white players get one more point? Right? Who cares? Not gonna affect the games at all. Gonna make them feel like they’re contributing. A valuable lesson to learn in college and to remind the black athletes that no matter how hard they try in this country, they’ll always make less than their white counterpart. Laughter is the right response. White people going “Oooh” is ridiculous. You reap the benefits, you just don’t like it thrown in your face. “I hate making more money for no reason!” Secretly, I love it. I just wanted the black people here to see me go “Oooh!” So they be: “Oh, that most be one of the good white people.” But, you’re not. That’s why they’re gonna shoot you after the show. Oh, how’s that feel, you cracker? My fo-fo makes all your kids don’t grow. Miss you, 2Pac. I love when people act like they don’t understand why the rest of the world may hate our country. We have a game show in our country called Survivor. That’s a game in our country. Where you can win a million dollars for surviving 30 days in a place where people already live. Do you realize what kind of message that sends? “I’ve been here for 60 years. May I have some bread?” “No. We’re Americans. This is a game. We don’t have our cell phones. This is really hard. I don’t even get service here anyway. I’m a Cingular. They merged with AT&T. I’m suppose to have double the bars. I have no bars. And I hate this island of Wahapui. Which I thought was a shampoo by Paul Mitchell. It’s not. That’s Awapuhi. And it smells good.” You can’t celebrate in football anymore. That’s a rule change. Are you kidding me? If I score a touchdown, which is unlikely because I went undrafted yet again. Despite a solid 40 and great hands. I will celebrate. And I’m not gonna point to the heavens either, I’m gonna go like this. Because God is everywhere. He is. He’s in my soul. He can be in yours you have to invite him. He’s like a vampire. The dude’s got rules. “Stop celebrating and just do your job.” Their job’s to catch a ball. I don’t care if you get in the endzone and have a 10-minute tea party. It’s a game. Just don’t get mad at me when you’re paralyzed from the neck down, being carted off the field cause some free safety took your head off. And you see me in the stand going: “Ho-ho! Dance now, you overpaid clown! How does it feel to know God hates you? Maybe V8 will sponsor a vegetable!” Yeah, moan all you want. I love defense. DE-FENSE! That’s what chant I start in my section. Usually 118, lower bowl. You see me at a football game, I got a big letter D. I’m going: “D!” My friend Carl he’s got a fence. Chain-link not white picket. We’re not faggots. One of us is. It’s gross. Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult. Am I right? Saw a guy wearing a What Would Jesus Do? bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes. And the kid could see. And he wasn’t used to the light and it was bright and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. OK, people that are laughing I’m gonna call you half-full. Because you’re focusing on the important part of the story. The bracelets are working. I took my What Would Jesus Do? bracelet and put it on my Jewish friend’s wrist, it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent. We both started laughing. We left it there. We hate snakes. We think they’re slimy. Even though we know they’re not. Do you get the joke? I’m making fun of people take the bracelets too literally. They’re not magical. They’re a reminder to be a better person, to live a better life. And if you need a rubber band around your wrist to be that, here’s an idea. Take it off and snap yourself in the eye and see if that wakes you. I wore What Would Jesus Do? bracelet. In a movie theater once to see if it worked. A cell phone went off. One of those obnoxious rings where it’s a song. And he didn’t want to answer because the good part’s coming. Then he answers the phone in the theater. “What’s going on? No, I’m in the movies.” This is what I said verbatim and I’m not going to censor myself: “Hey, buddy. Get off the phone, please.” This is what he says to me: “Shut up and mind your own business, asshole.” Ha! Now, there’s trouble in River City. I’m a man. Not much of one, but a man. I will choke you if you’re younger, smaller and preferably white. I had my hands on his neck and then I saw my bracelet staring right back at me. What Would Jesus Do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell. I did. I had to. Amen. I waste so much time in my life. I could’ve accomplished so much more, but I have no dreams. Like real dreams. I sit at home thinking about: “How come nobody with a Lamborghini ever pulls up next to me: ‘Hey, man. You want this car?’ I’m like: ‘Fuck yeah! I do! Yes! I got a Lamborghini today!'” This never happen. Think that’s wasted energy. I want to get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be: “Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves. It was beautiful. I bet that’s John Woo’s kid.” Oh, balcony appreciating a Woo reference. Front row guy’s going: “Yes.” The rest of you google it. I don’t care. Hate you, Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I shared a computer with my girlfriend. She’d look up anything. “I’m gonna look up apples today.” She sets to “A”. Asian ass porn instantly! Google’s like: “I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up. Every time you hit A it’s Asian ass porn!” Google, all I ask is you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. It’s bad enough I’m clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. I’m trying to have an honest relationship and you’re fucking my shit up. And guess what? When I’m looking up Asian ass porn, guess who has all the time in the world? Oh, I do. I’ve got the house locked. The plantation shutters are closed. My keyboard is in a safe but reachable distance. Do you appreciate the picture I am painting? I am jerking it in this joke! This is highbrow stuff, guys. I’m gonna be so famous. I shave all my pubes. I don’t know why I looked at you when I said that. But I thought you would appreciate it. Why? Because I’d like to have the fastest sex ever. That’s why. I got three and a half seconds off my best time. Congratulations, little Phelps. Check off swimming joke. Got one! I wrote that joke because my friend’s a swimmer. He’s like: “Why do you shave all your pubes?” I’m like: “Why are you in my bathroom?” “Cause, I enjoy watching you poop.” And I’m like: “Okay no more slumber parties. That’s creepy.” And sure I do it adorable. Both elbows and knees, fingers crossed, chin down. That’s my business. Close the door! I got the Bellagio coming out of my ass, I don’t need an audience. Highbrow poop joke. My father said “Impossible”, I said “Nay”. Top that, Bob Newhart. Do you love goose down feathers? Do you have the trifecta? Mattress pad, pillows, comforter. Oh, it’s like sleeping in heaven. Till that quill comes through the pillowcase and sticks you in the eye. And says: “How’s that feel bitch? Huh? You like sleeping on my carcass? Do you?” Goose why do you hurt so good? Maybe a higher thread count. 600 does the trick. Quit sleeping on 12. That’s hay. Spend the money. It’s 1/3 of your life. Sorry. My nose itched. Hello, Carol Burnett’s daughter. I think I’m too young for that reference and it doesn’t warrant an “Awww”. When I die, which is gonna be in four years. Yay! It’s the only thing I can plan. I’m gonna be cremated from the neck down. Yeah, then at my funeral when people are talking about me they have to hold my head. And then at the end they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least 3 hits or else you have to start the whole service over. And no cradlement. I want legit sets. Anyone seen Karch? Do you guys daydream about being on the Price Is Right as much as I do? Contestants throw the last bid of the sweet spot. What are you gonna do? You’re the last bidder. “One dollar.” Does your hoodie sweatshirt say “I go to the University of I waste my bid”? Because that’s what you just did. That’s dumb. The best bid statistically you have to muster up some courage to go, OK. “I need to know what the highest bid was. “7.” “OK, 7,1.” “Ruined your day, didn’t I, lady? Huh? You got an awfully small window. Hope you nailed it.” I don’t know why you wanna nail it anyway. So you can go onstage, reach into some old guy’s pocket for a hundred-dollar bill? My grandpa used to do that all the time. There was no hundred-dollar bill. There was a whole in his pocket and no underwear on. Excuse me. Don’t you go “Ooh.” My grandpa was a great man. If wanted his balls touched by a little boy he was gonna to get it. He shed blood for your freedoms and don’t you forget it. I think I’m on the wrong side of that one, I get it. You ever said the silent prayer when you see the old lady spinning the wheel hoping once in your lifetime she gets caught underneath and it snaps her back right in half? And a pool of blood comes around and lands on a dollar. Bob starts peeing himself. He can’t hold it. Not at that age. It’s dangerous. So he’s peeing, laughing. “Get up bitch! You have a bonus spin!” Take the bonus spin seriously. What are the greens worth in the bonus spin? 5,000. That is a lot of coin. It’s gonna slow your heart rate down, you gonna bid more effectively in the showdown. Now you’re in the one seat, you gonna bid or pass? Bid or pass? Pass! Pass! Of course. It’s rookie! The first showdown? Carpet, couch, the net set. I’m not on the Queer Price Is Right, am I? I signed up the straight one, yeah. I’m gonna send that South. I’d like the second showdown. That one has a waverunner and a camper. It’s a white-trash starter kit. I know, I know. A lot of you’re like: “We don’t even have a trailer hitch.” Screw you. You’re camping in your driveway. Maybe you can buy an inflatable pool so your kid can drown. Or maybe you can spend more than a hundred dollars on a pool. You’re a horrible parent and I’m glad your grass died. Are we down to six people? Perfect. Okay. “Well, I don’t get the last part. I mean, obviously the last, but what? The grass died? What does that mean?” “Well, if you leave the pool out for a day or so it kills your lawn.” “I rent an apartment.” “That joke’s clearly not for you. Maybe if you’re nice I’ll do a poorer version later.” I won’t. I will not. I heart President Bush. President Bush has done some great things. I don’t know if you’re aware of this but ’07, extending daylight savings time two months longer. Yeah, I’m aboard. Thank you. That’s great. Do you not know this? Next year it’s two months longer. It’s not new months like Recktober and Toyotathon. Which I’m sure he tried. “What are you talking about?” “Nevermind. I’m gonna go to the ranch. I’ll see in seven weeks. That storm cut my last one short.” Okay, first of all day light savings time was created for farmers and there’s only four of them left, so I don’t think they warrant half the calendar year. I say keep it 50/50 but instead of one hour forward, ready? Ready? Five hours forward! Suck it! By the way if you ever have a job where you have to give speeches in front of people pepper in the phrase “Suck it!” Very empowered. Just be: “As you can see from our PowerPoint presentation suck it…” And your clients be: “Did he– did he say suck it? I like this guy. He’s a go-getter.” Okay, I say change from 1 to 5 hours forward because people with 9-to-5 jobs you’ve gotten so selfish and complacent with the daylight. You get it all the time. People that work at night, a third of this country according to a survey I made up for this joke, we get robbed. It’s not fair. Half year. 5 hours forward. Means the sun’s rising at noon. Means I don’t feel like such a piece of shit every morning when I’m waking up. I’m like: “Wow, the sun’s just now coming up? I’m might mail a letter and get groceries today. Time for me to turn his life around. Starting tomorrow. Because today there’s a Laguna Beach marathon on MTV. And I’m gonna get caught up on season 3. Try to figure out why they’re so fucking ugly this year.” And that joke’s not even over! Are you kidding me? And sexually transmitted diseases would drop off completely! Oh, I’ll feed you, baby birds. Do you think I’d leave you with a cliffhanger? That’s not my style. 5 hours forward, think about it. That means the sun’s setting at 2 in the morning. Means, guys you are at a bar, pumping drinks into some girl. You get to bring her outside in the daylight. Yeah, you’d be like: “Noo! I had a lovely time this evening, but I will see your ass back in standard time where you belong.” And she’s like: “Oh, he’ll be back. They always come back for my coochie in the dark.” And you will be like: “Thank you, Daniel and your new daylight savings time. You kept me from having sex with a pterodactyl.” And you don’t want to sleep with a pterodactyl. Not at your place. They have a 14 foot wingspan minimum. They’re knocking everything off your counters. Then you have to go to Target, you’re on a budget. That place gets expensive. You go in there for two things, but then you see the frames. Who can pass up brushed silver? “I say we change all our socket covers, not just the bathroom.” Ah, you see that guy? One guy! That’s why I just kept going till one person was like: “Holy shit! That joke had everything! Oh, my goodness! Do you mind if I recap? There was sex, there was pterodactyls, the knickknacks at target. I was just telling you we should change our socket covers. This guy’s more of a prophet less of a comedian.” You’re welcome. You are welcome, sir. I think we should legalize marijuana in this country. Just so potheads have nothing to talk about ever again. Come on! It does get a little annoying after awhile. Just the: “Hey, you want to get high? – “No.” – “Why not?” “Because I’m not in the seventh grade and I have things to do. Why don’t you grow up and do coke like an adult?” Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Let’s get some meth! No? Alright. Sorry. I went too far. Oh, nothing like tweaking for 3 days. Am I right? I love flip-flops. Do you? Women it’s OK love them. Men? It’s 50/50 right? Because, you’ve been stuck, you’ve been caught, you’ve been at the airport urinal in your flip-flops. Ha! Not the best time. You’re standing there, your feet get a little wet, you haven’t started yet. Now there’s a problem. You got two choices. You can 1 ignore it live that “Kite Runner” shame as long as you can bottle it. Or you can 2 face your attacker, whisper in his ear: “Thank you. That’s what I like before a flight to Phoenix. Get me ready for the heat.” That is a golden shower and “Kite Runner” reference in the same joke. Almost impossible. Almost impossible. I pull it off because I care. Alright. I’m pro-gay marriage. Just the idea of having a man around the house. Finally I get some stuff done. “Let’s go! We got chores this weekend!” “God hates queers!” That’s me pretending to be a right-wing redneck radical protesting. Not double-fisting a black cock. You have to have the right visual or this joke’s gonna hold no weight. “Oh, he’s picketing! Okay, that makes sense.” “That didn’t look like picketing. That last part didn’t look like that.” “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!” Do you wanna know the answer between a religion and gays? Look in the Bible. Look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. We all know who sinned first. Come on ladies. Do you have to eat everything? No, I know. You were hungry. There was a snake talking to you. Stick to that story. That’s scary. If a snake told me: “Eat an apple.” I’d be: “Alright. I didn’t know you could talk! Oh, man. I hope it’s a Granny Smith. I like those. Those are sour. If it’s a Golden Delicious I’m like: “Leave me alone, snake! I’m eating peaches. You talk to me in 2 months when Fuji apples are ready.” And chronologically that joke is accurate. I know a lot about apples. Now we have to be punished for all mankind? Because of you women eating an apple? What was women’s punishment? Do you even know? Painful childbirth, menstrual cycles. Man’s punishment? We have to deal with women. That’s why I get so upset with: “God hates gays!” God doesn’t hate gay people, he’s just upset because they found a loophole in the system. Wouldn’t that upset you if you came up with a great punishment and they’re: “We are just gonna sleep with each other.” Yeah, it’s a lot easier than listening to that: “Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, if I lost a leg would you still love me?” “What? No! A leg? Are you kidding me? That’s a bold move to test our love with a limb. You could’ve started with a fingernail, found out real quick I’m shallow. You lose a leg, I saw a guy on the freeway you’d be perfect for. Matchmaker! Honestly, girls. If there’s any woman in here that ends up dating me and you lose your leg. God forbid, I hope it doesn’t happen. But if you do and we’re dating, the only thing you can be sure of is: I will push you over. All right. I will push over and be like: “You aint’ no Weeble Wobble!” “You aint’ no Weeble Wobble!” My job is so good. That whole joke, that whole stupid long joke is just to get to a point where I can yell: “You ain’t no Weeble Wobble!” I always think it’s funny when guys find out that somebody is pregnant. And you’re a guy and you’re always talking and arguing: “Hey! Bet you hope it’s a boy! Ha? You want a boy? Right? You want a boy?” This is cheesy to say this, but in my heart, honestly, I just hope it’s black. “Thank God! I’m out of here! That was close. Sorry you have to give up on your dreams. I’m gonna go back to being selfish.” Everybody get the joke? It’s not my kid. Because I’m white. I know! Oh. You guys waited. “Is he white? Oh, he is white!” That joke is safe after all. You ever notice when people talk about where they live is a good place to raise kids what they’re trying to say is: “Where I live is really segregated.” Little too close to home for you Orange County? Got it. Got it. You definitely win that round. I didn’t have a privileged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into my yard. You don’t hear a four when you’re mowing. Nothing runs like a Deere, till there’s a Titleist lodged in your carburetor. Public golf course. Way to aim for the middle, dad! Thank you. That joke actually hurts to say, but I can do it. I think this country is ready for another Civil War. Because these NASCAR fans are out of control. Oh, there’s the line. I’ve drawn it. Pick your side. Let’s do battle. I hate NASCAR and I hate hunting. Let’s combine them. Every year at Daytona 500 we release thousands of deer on the infield. Let him roam wherever they want. No restrictor plates at this race. I want top speed. 215 plus. They’re hitting deer. They’re exploding. People in the front row they’re treating it like a Gallagher show with plastic, you know. As guts come flying over the wall. Some lucky toothless broad jumps up: “I got antlers from Jr. This is the best day of my life! Y’all wanna see my titties?” What? No. Ok. Now if we can just incorporate spousal abuse it will be like a redneck triathlon. By the way, everything I say is wrong. I get it. I don’t– I’m a complete hypocrite. I’ve dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargement. But, she was an A cup. That’s gross. Get it fixed, girl. You’re not even real woman. I know. You wanna scream at me, but you can’t. Because your training bra’s too tight. Now, she didn’t go overboard like a lot of girls do. She got a nice full double D. Classy. She had a 5’3 frame. It worked. She put squeak toys in there, I thought that was a wonderful decision. She was a clown, so it was a tax write-off. She was a sad face clown. I could never tell if she was really happy. I’d be in the bedroom for hours: “Are you there yet, Snickers? And she’d just be… “Well, could you untie my penis out of a puddle? It’s really starting to hurt.” That’s how clowns blow you. I don’t know how to do it. It’s an Asian method. And by Asia, I’m mean eastern Russia. None of that Indonesia stuff which involves a pinky around back. I don’t like it. I do like it, but on stage I say I don’t. I’m not an open book. “Guy had sex with clown. That’s disgusting. I mean it’s awesome.” No, it’s not, guy who’s still high fives. Soon as you take off the wig, the funny shoes, she’s just like any other retarded girl. I loved her. Supported her. She was in the Olympics. The ones you’re not suppose to laugh at. But when you watch the hurdles, they knock over every single one. You start to giggle. Now you’re going to hell. That’s not fair. They’re supposed to be athletes. Reube in lane 6 is chewing on the second hurdle. Sorry, I found that funny. I’ll tell you what’s not funny. They sell those foam hands “You’re number 1” except they’re shaped like that. How does that build character? Thank you. People that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone. But I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh, feel shitty about themselves. Because, you’re all hypocrites. Televise the special winter Olympics. You’re not gonna watch? Really? “Is that guy’s standing up in the bobsled? Oh, yeah. Does he know the tunnel’s coming? Why did he pick today not to wear the helmet?” “You don’t make fun of me. I’m a handicap.” I agree with you balcony. Even though you sound like half a tard to begin with. Maybe you shouldn’t be the group spokesperson. You don’t. For many reasons. First of all they have the strength of 10 men. Which is equivalent to one chimpanzee. That’s why if you ever see retarded chimpanzee you turn and run. Okay? Because, that thing is a borderline superhero. But, Hollywood on their moral high horse, they won’t make movies about a retarded chimp. Unless of course you count a Vin Diesel movie. Which I do. Which I do. And in all fairness to me, if you’re a Vin Diesel fan, you shouldn’t be here watching me, anyway. You should be at home coloring, praying your next one gets on the refrigerator. But it won’t, because elephants aren’t orange, you idiot. Thanks a lot you guys. Have a good night. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-full-time-magic-transcript/ | Nate Bargatze: Full Time Magic (2015) | Transcript | nate bargatze | Thank you. Wow. Wow. So… thank you. Thank you. Very kind. All right, all right. It’s, uh, you know… I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think the show’s gonna be as good as that. Like, I think I will let you guys down. Thank you guys so much. That was unbelievable. You guys are great. And, it’s just, you know, we’ve… I feel like we’ve peaked, so let’s just get… doing it, something? All right. I’m very excited to be here. My name’s Nate. I’m married and stuff. This is what marriage feels like, by the way… what it feels like in here right now. It’s just one person talking, and the other’s like, “I’m gonna get out of here.” It’s… That’s… We… I’m from Nashville, and me and my wife, we were in Nashville last summer, and we went out on the lake with some of our friends. And we were, like, floating around in the water, and there was a guy in a boat, like, right next to us, and my wife was like, “Oh, that’s my ex-boyfriend in that boat.” Now, I didn’t know who he was, so she didn’t have to say that at all, you know? She was just basically like, “Are you having fun? ‘Cause I’d like to put a stop to that.” “And make you stare at this guy the rest of the day.” So I’m, like, staring at him, and then I look at my wife, and she’s staring at him, and I feel like she’s staring at him to see what her life would be like if she didn’t marry me. So I started staring at him, ’cause I’m like, “I want to see what my life would be like if I didn’t marry her,” you know? And we were putting… we were putting so much pressure on this guy. And… we… we stared at him for a while. He did nothing exciting at all, and, uh, you know, we looked back at each other and just realized, “You know what? We don’t have a boat. That’s the only difference.” My friends… my friends were like, “You should’ve went and tried to fight him. Why didn’t you go fight him?” And I was like, “Well, I would’ve had to swim over to that fight.” “So I don’t know how intimidating that is, for a guy to see a head and a life jacket floating his way.” And then I got to get in the boat, you know? Like, have you ever tried to climb into a boat from water? It’s not aggressive. It takes an hour if no one is in the boat. Like, if he’s in there, I’m never gonna get in. I would need his help. I’d be like, “Could you help me into this boat? I can’t tell you why, but I really need in this boat.” We have a daughter now, and so it’s getting… you know, 2-year-old daughter… it’s getting pretty serious between me and my wife now. And it’s… I don’t know. I was living in New York when my daughter was to be born. She was not born here, though. We flew home. She was born in Tennessee. I didn’t want her to be born in New York. You know, I don’t need her growing up thinking she’s better than me. Yeah, yeah. I was like, “You start where we start, all right? No one gets a leg up in this family.” It’s our first kid. I don’t know if we had a kid too late in life. Sometimes I wonder, like, you know, I’m 35. I was 33 when she was born, and, like… ‘Cause you ever ask someone that has kids, you’re like, “When’s the best time of your life?” They will say before they have kids or after their kids move out. There’s, like, 20 years they don’t mention, and that’s when kids were in their house. So by the time my daughter moves out, I’ll be 53. I’ll be dead within hours. So I’ve just pushed it too far, you know? Like, I should’ve done it earlier. Like, I watched that show Teen Mom, and I was like, “Man, those girls are nailing it. Like, that’s what”… Just get it over with, you know? No one likes junior high or high school anyway, so just throw a kid in the mix. Wrap it all up. If I had my daughter at 13, she’d be moved out right now. Right now, she’d already be gone. I will be excited, like… I’ll be excited when she goes… like, when she goes to school, like, to do homework with her and stuff, you know? ‘Cause it’s like bonding, and it’s not gonna hurt for me to do one more run-through. Just one more pass. None of it stuck for me. I went to community college for one year. Do… yeah. A couple of us? Just me and this guy. That’s… did you go for longer than a year? Or one year too? Or did you go to real college? Couple years. Oh, all right. Valedictorian over here, jeez. Just… I-I made it one. And what’s even more embarrassing… that I do not have a credit. Literally, I do not have… I have zero credits. Do you have credits? You got credits, like, all of ’em? Did you graduate community college? You think you’re better than me? No, just… I just started to attack. He’s like, “I don’t know.” It’s easy, I think, to graduate. Like, I… you know… My loan was $40. I just paid cash. That’s all. I was like, “This is good.” He was like, “That’s more than enough.” I was all remedial classes, which, remedial, you know, it’s like, they just… they don’t count. None of ’em count, so all my classes were outside. Every one was outside. We wouldn’t even meet inside the building. We would just meet at a picnic table outside, ’cause our teacher was like, “Well, you guys will all be working outside.” “We’re gonna teach you about weather, you know, “and, like, we’re gonna teach you about morning dew, “how to get your socks wet. “You’re gonna be getting up pretty early “the rest of your life. “I hope you guys like sunrises, because you’re gonna see a lot of ’em.” That’s what remedial classes are for. They’re a heads-up that you’re gonna do manual labor. The assignments… our teacher’s be like, “All right, so today’s assignment is, we’re gonna help me move, so…” It’s… I’m, like… I’m pretty dumb. I’m… like, you know, I tell people I’m dumb. I’m like, “Hey, I’m dumb.” And… but no one goes, like, “Okay.” They’re just always like, “I bet you’re not dumb.” And you’re like, “Well, I’m trying to help you out here. “Uh, we’re about to have a conversation, so I’m just trying to give you a heads-up.” Here’s a story… I can prove it… if I need to… like I got to prove it. Like, everybody’s like, “Now, we… yeah, you know. We don’t need proof.” Here’s my proof, is, when I was 15, my first job was, in Nashville, was at Opryland theme park. We used to have an amusement park, and I was working, and I’m sitting eating lunch, and this couple sits down, and we start talking and stuff. I was like, “I’m Nate.” And the guy’s like, “I’m John. This is my wife, Jane,” and they… their last name was Doe. So it was John and Jane Doe. And I was just like, “That’s the craziest thing.” Like, what are the odds of that, you know? Like, that’s so crazy. Couldn’t believe it. Cut to earlier this year. I’m 35, I’m driving, and I’m thinking about John and Jane Doe. And, you know, I was like, “I bet they were lying to me about that.” That’s how long it took… 20 years… for me to catch on to a joke they wouldn’t remember saying. I don’t think they would remember it. They’d be like, “Maybe we did that.” Well, it worked. It worked so good. I tried to… I tried to Google ’em, ’cause I was, like, “Maybe they’re not lying,” you know? “I’ll find ’em and go talk to ’em.” But I am sad to report they were murdered. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it’s not good. Yep. It’s… Like, I think of it like… like time traveling. Like, if I could go back in time… like, if I could go back in time tonight and go back to, like, the ’20s, knowing everything I know right now, I don’t think I would make a difference. I don’t think you guys would even hear about it. I don’t think you would. I just don’t… like, ’cause I don’t have anything to get… You know, like I would go back, and I would see, like, some guy on a old phone, and I would be like, “Hey, eventually they have phones you, like, carry in your pocket.” And they’re like, “Yeah?” It’s like, “How do they do it?” I’m like, “Phew, I mean, I don’t know how they do it.” “Oh. I think it’s a satellite? I think… a satellite?” They’re like, “What’s a satellite?” “Oh, I shouldn’t have even said that, uh…” “It’s like metal… “Metal’s got to go pretty high in the air. I don’t know if you guys are doing”… I don’t even know if I could prove I’m from the future. I don’t even think I could. I think I would just get stuck, ’cause they would want something. Like, “Who’s the next president?” “Oh, boy. Uh… “Ooh… Abraham Lincoln. You guys are gonna love him. He’s really good.” They’d just think I’m from the past. That’s… they were like… It would just look… And then I’d have to get a regular job. I would just have to, like, wait tables or something in the ’20s. I would go back in time and do worse than I’m doing right now. I went and visited my parents recently. My parents have a real, real, real fat cat. It’s real fat. People point it out, you know? They walk in; They’re like, “Man, that cat’s fat.” And it feels rude, you know, like, “He doesn’t speak English, but we do, so maybe don’t say that.” And they’re just… you know, they’re like, “What are y’all feeding this cat?” You’re like, “Whatever you feed a cat, dude. “Like normal cat food stuff. We pour a bowl. Like, if he eats eight birds outside, he doesn’t tell us.” You know, he’s not like, “Oh, I ate out tonight. I’m good.” And then they’re like, “Well, y’all should do something.” You’re like, “What do you think we’re not doing? “Do you think he has a gym membership and we don’t drive him to the gym?” He’s a cat. That’s his gym membership, is, he’s a cat. I watched him jump from the ground on top of the refrigerator. That’s like if I jumped on top of a school bus from the ground. Like, if I… if I did that, you’re not gonna be like, “Well, you still could lose a little bit, you know.” Just keep doing what you’re doing. I got to get in shape. Not this shape. This is not a good shape. Something… I got to get… really. I thought… I was like, “Oh, I’m doing an hour special. That’ll motivate me.” And here we are. I tell people I got to get back in shape. I’ve never been in shape, you know? Like, most people are like, “If I could go back to my 20s.” I would have to go back to 7. If I could get back to when I was 7, I was just killing it. I don’t know how to work out. For me, a good workout would be… walking to McDonald’s would be a great start. You know, maybe stand up and eat it. See if that does something. I ordered the P90X videos. I thought I could do that. Never worked out a day in my life, so let’s do what the Navy SEAL’s do. You know why I ordered it? ‘Cause in the commercial… you know how they have, like, a before body and after body? In the… I was blown away by the before body. I thought that’s what you get to look like. I was like, “That guy looks great.” You know, “I would love to look like him.” Then I saw the after body, and I was like, “Does the before body guy have a DVD? “‘Cause that guy seems more my speed, you know. What did he do to get to that? And I’ll just do that.” Someone gave me an Under Armour shirt to wear. Have you ever wore one of those? It’s, like, skintight. It just shows the worst parts of your body. I look better without a shirt on than with that shirt on. You know in plastic surgery how they draw markers on you? They should just put you in that shirt and be like, “Obviously, you can see what we’re gonna go after.” I’m lazy. I can tell, like, watching sports… I was watching a football game, and I’m sitting on my couch, and I was gonna get something to drink out of the refrigerator. Right when I get up, one guy… one team kicked off to the other team. And before I could get back, the guy ran a 100-yard kickoff return, and I missed it. The guy ran 100 yards before I could get 3 to maybe 4 yards. That guy also had 11 people really trying not to let him run 100 yards. I had… I didn’t even have an ottoman in my way. It was wide open. I played sports growing up, though. I played baseball, and one time when I was playing, I’m up to bat; I get walked. So I go, I take my base, I get to first base, I turn, and I look. The catcher was still holding the ball. And, like, he wasn’t… you know, he was staring at me, almost like he’s daring me to run, like, “Why don’t you see if you can go? I don’t think you can go.” And I was like, “I’m gonna go, all right?” So I run to second. He throws it to second, overthrows second base, goes in the outfield. I run to third base. They overthrow third base, so my coach is, like, losing it, like, telling me to go home. Like, this is about to be an inside-the-park home run off a walk. I’m about to be on Sports Center,you know? Like, this is the biggest thing that’s ever happened in sports. So I go. I slide. There’s a play at the plate, and then the umpire goes, “It was only ball three.” So I have to now get up. I’m dirty, for no reason, apparently. I’m out of breath. I got to pick my bat up, exactly where I left it. It’s now three balls, two strikes. Next pitch, immediately strike out. Immediately strike out. The umpire goes, “Now you can go. Yeah, you’re fine.” I did learn something, though, that day. What I did learn was that if you’re confident, you can get away with quite a bit, you know? ‘Cause why didn’t anybody stop me? No one stopped me. No one… they knew I wasn’t supposed to be going. But I was so confident about it that that’s why the catcher was holding the ball going, “What? I don’t… why’s he… Is he supposed to be doing this?” And then I run to second; It’s like, “Well, no one’s that much of an idiot. I guess I wasn’t paying any attention.” The ball goes in the outfield. The outfield… they’re not looking. They think it’s a hit, you know, for all they know. And then I guess the umpire at some point realizes it and is just like… well, it’s easier for me to get all the way back to him to tell me. At least let me feel what it would feel like to get an inside-the-park home run off a walk. I was thinking about, too, like, all the parents in the stands, ’cause, like, they can’t hear what’s going on, so they’re just, like, watching this, and then I bat again. Like, they’re just like, “I guess I don’t understand baseball. “I thought I knew… “It’s just… baseball’s changed since I was a kid. “Used to… you go around like that, you’re done. “You don’t have to get back up there. I don’t like these new rules.” I drink too, which isn’t… like, you know, that doesn’t help. Me and that guy drink. We have pretty big problems and… Just us two. It’s… I don’t know. I’ve had signs that I should quit drinking. One was, I did a show. It was three hours outside of Phoenix, Arizona. It was at a Indian casino, which I don’t know if you’re supposed to say. I’m not… I don’t know. It’s… I don’t know. It was like… I don’t know what you’re supposed to say. It was a casino. There was, like, a crazy amount of Indians there, and… so I… I go. I drive this three-hour drive to the middle of nowhere. I get there. I do the show. Then I was like, “I’m gonna go to bed,” you know? Had to get up at 7:00 a.m., just be a normal person. Then I’m meet this cool Indian dude, and we drink till 5:00 a.m. So then I have to get up… I sleep two hours, get up. I’m walking outside with my roller bag. It’s, like, 190 degrees. I’m just questioning everything I’ve ever done in my life. I’m like, “What are you doing, dude?” And I look up, and there’s a wolf. A real wolf, just in front of my car, just staring at me. Like, and I’m just looking at this wolf. I’m like, “Why is this wolf”… I’m, like, looking around ’cause I’m expecting, like, some guy to be like, “Sorry, my wolf got loose and…” But there’s no guy. It’s just me and this wolf. And he’s just staring at me. And I don’t know how to make a wolf leave. You know, you’re like, “Get out of here, wolf.” Like, I don’t know… what… So I’m just staring, and I’m, like, looking at him. He’s looking right at me. I said, “Why is he not leaving?” Then I just was like, “Wait, is that that Indian dude I was drinking with last night?” Is he a wolf? Is… It wasn’t him. The wolf left. The wolf did wander off. And then I got in my car, and I was driving back, and this happened… This doesn’t seem real, ’cause it’s back-to-back, but I’m driving, and then I get stopped ’cause a helicopter lands in the middle of the road. There’s no one around but me and then this helicopter, and it picks up a guy and then flies off. Like, I should’ve video’d it, ’cause it’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. But I’m, like, hungover, so I’m acting like it happens every day. Like, I’m honking at the helicopter, like, “All right, out of all days? You couldn’t have hovered a second and let me get under?” The other one I had was, I got real drunk and let locked myself out of my hotel room completely naked. Yeah, I’ve done that in my 2-year-old daughter’s lifetime. So… if she hears this and she’s like, “Oh, was that college?” It’s like, “No, that’s when you were the most dependent on me.” Here’s what… look, I don’t know why I was sleeping naked. You just sleep naked when you’re drunk. I don’t do it normal. I think it’s gross. But that day, I was like, “We should try that. Let’s see what that’s about.” And then I remember, I was like, “I got to put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on,” so I walk and I open the door… “Do Not Disturb” sign, you can crack the door and it would fit outside. But acting like I was, like, moving a couch outside, and I was, like, opening it with my body, and then I step outside, and I heard the door shut, which was the most sobering noise I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I was like, “This is not good at all.” You know, like, you’re way too far. I’m holding this “Do Not Disturb” sign, which is pointless. It’s like I just walked out to be, like, a real “Do Not Disturb” sign, just for the hallway. I was like, “Don’t come down here. We’re not ready.” So I’m standing there, and I’m like, “All right, what are you gonna do?” You know, so I look, and there’s a window. I was like, “I could jump out of that. That’s easier than having to explain this to my wife.” And then I looked to the left, and there was a cleaning lady, and she’s just staring at me. And the reason she’s there is because it’s 11:00 a.m. That’s how far in the day it is. And I’m, like, looking at her… And, look, I don’t have a body that, like, when she sees it, I’m like, “You’re welcome,” you know? It’s like, “I’m sorry. Look, I’m really… I don’t know.” So I looked at her, and she knew what I needed, you know? Like, we didn’t really talk. Like, I just kind of looked at her like, “Whew, you know, this happens… happens to the best of us, right?” And she looked at me like, “It does not… it does not happen.” She just let me back in my room. When I told my comic buddies, they tried to make me feel better. They’re like, “I wouldn’t even worry about it. I bet she sees stuff like that all the time.” And I was like, “I bet I’m in her top three.” She might walk in on people naked, but no one ever charges at her naked and then needs her help, you know? Someone might run by her and laugh. No one goes up to her like, “Look, you’re the most important person in my life right now, “and I need you to be on board with all of this, all right? Don’t ask questions.” I’ll mix it up, like, too, like, ’cause, you know, when you’re gonna lose weight, you try to, like, go… you ever do vodka-soda when you want to lose weight? Like, “I’ll do vodka-soda,” then you drink it like beer, and you wake up in the street. But you’re like, “I’m not bloated, and that’s nice.” You know, that’s… It feels so good, just that little… you’re finding any little thing. It all does… it leads to the eating… like, I mean, look, I don’t need help eating bad at all. I’ll do it naturally. And drinking just makes it… the decision that much easier. I have… like, I do all chain stuff. I like my restaurants to be doing good everywhere in the country. I just want to go, and wherever I go in the… I’ve eaten McDonald’s in Dubai. ‘Cause I’m like, “Well, let’s see what they’re doing.” You know, like, “What’s their McDonald’s like?” It’s a little different. And Applebee’s… I’m a big fan of Applebee’s. You know, I really just… whatever… If I eat somewhere that’s not Applebee’s, I will only eat what Applebee’s would serve. Like, if Applebee’s is not on board with it, I’m not gonna be, you know? I eat at Walmart. You can eat there. It’s fine. They’re fine with it. And… Walmart’s great. They’re always open. No one likes… you know, no one likes Walmart, but they’re always open. That’s why they’re great. There was a fire at a Walmart, and they did not shut down. They remained open during the fire. Like, some people didn’t even know there was a fire. Other people thought they were just selling fire. Like, that’s… that’s not that crazy of a thing. I’m a Walmart guy. I think I’m in the middle, you know. I’m not Kmart, but I’m not Target, you know? I don’t… I’m not old money. I don’t think I’m better than everybody. Just right in the middle. You ever go to Kmart? Like, Kmart doesn’t even look open when you go in there. You just walk in, you’re like, “Are you guys about to close? Are you getting looted or something?” They’re like, “No, we’re open.” “Are you? “Are you gonna cut the lights on on that side of the store?” “Maybe get some stuff, you know?” Kmart looks like where you go buy stuff if you were about to open a new Kmart. If you… if you needed shelves for your Kmart, you’re going there and be like, “This is… this is good. I think we’re gonna do it right here.” I lived here for eight years, and I love New York. I love the driving. That’s what’s, like… See, I think we should all learn how to drive in Manhattan. ‘Cause it’s great. Everybody honks at everybody. Just screaming, yelling. That’s how it should be. Growing up in the South, no one honks ever. People just sit at lights, and they’re like, “If you don’t want to go, I totally understand. “I’m probably not gonna go when I get up there, so… “let’s just wait it out, you know? Let’s let traffic die down, and we’ll get home tomorrow.” I once had to take my car to get it fixed, and I go to, like, this mechanic. It was, like… it looked like it was just, like, this dude’s house, and I go inside, and there was, like… there was a line. There was, like, people in there. So we’re sitting there… they were taking forever, and we’re all getting, you know, pretty upset about it. Finally, one of the fellow customers just starts yelling at all the employees, and I was like, “This guy is great.” Like, I loved it. Like, I would never do it, but I like when other people do it. So I was like, “Good for you. Just keep yelling at them.” And he keeps yelling, and then a mechanic comes over and is like, “You got to calm down. You can’t yell at us like that.” And the guy keeps yelling. I’m like, “This guy is great.” Like, he’s getting stuff done. You know, like, nothing can happen. Uh, I was wrong. Because they fist-fought him. They fist-fought him, and then they just dragged him outside. We just watched it. Like, all of… we just… we, like, moved up, and we’re like, “That’s crazy, right?” And… Just like, “I guess that’s what goes on here.” Like that’s in the employee handbook. It’s like, “What are you gonna do if someone gets upset? “Well, I’d like you to fight ’em in front of the other customers “so they get it “and then drag him outside “so people driving by get it as well. “You know what our motto is… our motto is, “‘What did you say? That’s what I thought you said. Keep your mouth shut.'” Yeah. You know, I tweeted about it when it happened. Like, afterwards, I thought it was funny. And they found me. That’s how crazy they were. They found it on Twitter, and they were like, “Hey, could you follow us so we can send you a message?” I was like, “How about, I got the message, all right? “I got it. I’ll delete the tweet. Don’t worry about it.” They were crazy. You just don’t say… I don’t say anything, you know, like, you know, anything about stuff that goes on. You just let stuff happen. I was flying recently, and I was on my… Now when you fly, you know you can leave your phone in airplane mode. So I’m, like, sitting there. We’re about to take off. I’m playing a game. This lady leans over a guy and was like, “Hey, you got to cut your phone off.” And I was like, “What?” And she goes, “You got to cut your phone off. You can’t have it on.” I was like, “You don’t have to do that anymore.” And she was like, “You have to do it.” I go, “You don’t have to do it. That’s not the rules, you know?” And she was like, “Look, I’m not a rule maker.” I was like, “Well, you’re acting like a rule maker, ’cause those are not the rules.” And she just… she goes, “Cut it off, all right?” And guess what. I cut it off. I cut it off, and now I think about her every day. Every day, I think about her. I just want to find her again. I really do. If she ever sees this, you are not right, all right? I was completely right. This is, I think, the only way. You were wrong about it all. I travel a lot doing comedy, which is great. I’ve been to, like, a bunch of different countries, and I… like, it’s all wasted on me. It would be better for you guys to go than me. I don’t know where I’m at, like, in the world, like, when I’m there. Like, I could be an hour from my parents or, like, five days. I’m like, “I don’t know. It’s somewhere, you know?” I went to Bahrain, and I told people I went to Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, like it was the city of Saudi Arabia. And they were like, “You know Bahrain’s its own country.” I was like, “Are they now? Good for those guys, you know? Yeah, that’s good. Good for them.” I went to Honduras. I went there. Pretty… I have a pretty decent fan base there, and… Yeah, this special’s gonna blow that place up once… I mean, they’re gonna be like, “Wow, that’s unbelievable.” A lot of fans, and it’s… No, I’m joking. It was… it was a USO tour, so we go. And I remember I went to the airport, and I, like, told the guy… I was like, “Hey, I’m going to Honduras.” And the guy was like, “All right, like, what city?” And I was like, “Well, I mean, I’m just learning right now that’s not the name of the city.” “Ugh. “You know, where do you think I would be going? “Like, looking at me, which plane do you want me to get on?” We land in Honduras, and this guy picks us up. He’s driving us to the army base, and on the way there, he was like, “Look. There’s a couple things you got to keep an eye out for.” He’s like, “When you go to bed at night, “you got to check your bed for spiders. Like, spiders hide in your bed.” He’s basically just like, “You’re not gonna sleep. Hope that’s cool.” And then he’s like, “There’s a lot of snakes too, “a lot of venomous snakes, so keep an eye out for snakes. “But if you do get bit by a snake, “the best thing to do is go ahead and just catch the snake “and then bring it with you to the doctor. “And you’re just gonna be like, ‘This is the snake that bit me.'” And I was like, “What? “I’m not gonna do that part of it. “Like, you want me to catch a snake, dude? “I’ve never caught a snake in my life. “And you want me to get bit. “Then I got to get it together and catch a snake for the first time?” I was like, “It’s not gonna go good. “He’s gonna keep biting me. That’s all that’s gonna happen.” And he was like, “It doesn’t matter. You’ve already been bit.” And I was like, “What? “Do you even know what a snake is? “Because it completely matters. “There is a huge difference between one bite “and probably 30 bites, “which is what we will be at if I try to catch this snake. “Like, who told you to say this, the snake? Is that who you asked?” I don’t believe in science, you know? That’s just… I don’t understand it, so it’s easier not to believe in it as a whole. That gets you out of a lot of arguments. If you’re just like, “I don’t believe in science,” they’re like, “All right, do you need help or…” Scientists could be making stuff up. That’s a great job to have if you want to make stuff up, ’cause no one… no one can challenge you. You know? No one, like… Nobody say anything. Like, they don’t even get in trouble if they mess up. Like, the Earth was 2 billion years old. Then they’re like, “Now it’s 4 billion years old.” It’s like, “All right, like, how many people got fired after that?” And they’re like, “Nobody.” You’re like, “Really? Y’all just… nothing? ‘Cause y’all were way off.” I read beetles are 320 million years old. It’s like, “Are they? “Or you just know that I don’t know how to figure that out? ‘Cause you could be doing that, you know?” Like, I feel like that’s your first job as a scientist. Like, when you go, they would just probably do the beetles thing. They’re just like, “Go see how old beetles are.” Like when you’re a new scientist and then you’re… You know, you don’t think… the guys are just… Those guys are, like, back there, like, “Just write… write 320 million. “Like, it doesn’t matter. Like, who’s even gonna check, you know?” It’s like, “No one’s gonna question us. We can change it at any point.” Pluto, you know, Pluto’s not a planet. Or it might be a planet. I don’t know. They change it every five seconds. The last I heard, it’s not, and that’s, like, crazy. That’s when I left science. I was like, “I’m out.” Like, “You can’t do that. “You can’t jam Pluto down my throat my whole life, “and then the second I get out of school, you’re like, ‘We were just kidding about Pluto.'” It affected me. In elementary school, I got a C minus on a test because I forgot to put Pluto, and turns out, I should’ve got above an A. That’s what I should’ve got. Yeah. I should’ve been asked to teach the class. I should’ve immediately taught that class and be like, “Nate’s apparently the best.” I never believed in Pluto, you know? I said, “It’s too far.” That’s what I told people. I go, “You just… you guys will see.” I watched a thing on 60 Minutes once about, like, this guy with animals. It was about buying tigers. Like, you can buy… Like, if you guys want a tiger, there’s a guy you can go to, and you can buy a tiger if you want. And I was like… see, they did this whole undercover reporting. And they filmed, like, where he keeps tigers. And then, you know, they, like, asked him afterwards. They’re like, “Hey, do you think it’s too easy to buy a tiger in this country?” And he was like, “Yeah, yeah, sadly, it is.” And that was, like, my favorite part, you know? I was like, “That’s why America’s the best.” I didn’t even know you could buy tigers. I would’ve been embarrassed to ask. And then I watched this, and I was like, “I don’t even have to jump through hoops if I want to buy a tiger.” It’s not an all-day thing. It’s an hour. I’ll be right back with our tiger. And everybody wants to get rid of guns, you know, like guns are the problem, but what makes me nervous is, like, you take away guns from people, those are the exact same people that will buy tigers. That’s gonna be a much bigger problem, all right? You’re probably gonna be like, “Look, here’s your gun back.” They’ll be like, “No, I’m good. “My tiger is way better than my gun. “My gun missed all the time. “My tiger rarely misses. “Even if he does miss, “it’s just for a second. It’s never long.” Like, if a guy dodges a tiger and he’s like, “Your dumb tiger missed,” it’s like, “Well, he did not. “He’s right behind you now. And he is furious, so…” You know that saying, like, “Guns don’t kill people; People kill people”? The new saying will just be like, “These tigers are killing people.” I don’t know. It won’t be a good saying. It’ll just be asking, like, “Do you know where your tiger’s at by any chance? “Do you have any idea? You don’t know? That’s… all right. That’s a big problem.” It’s… I love doing comedy, though. It’s great. The show’s almost over, just so you guys know. I like to let… I like to let everybody know where we’re at. We’re about done. I think it makes you feel better when you’re like, “All right, thanks. Thanks.” Like, how many movies you go to, and then you’re just like, “Jeez, this is taking forever.” And if a guy, like, popped in the screen, was like, “It’s about to wrap…” Yeah. It’s… I know. I know. Two more seconds. And you’re like, “Thanks, man. That was, you know…” I love doing comedy. I was… there was a time I was gonna quit. I was gonna quit early on. I tried. Then there was no one to quit to, no one. Here’s why I do it, or I think why. My dad… my dad is an entertainer as well. He’s a magician. Still is a magician. Started as a clown. Just, you know, I don’t want to come off like I come from some rich magic family… And I’m better than you guys. You know, he paid his dues, his clown dues. It’s weird when your dad’s a clown. It’s weird every day. It’s… I never trusted clowns, you know? Like, have you ever been yelled at by a clown? I have. Do you know how confusing that is, to get screamed at by a guy that’s got a smile painted on his face? You’re like, “Is this not the same clown those kids are gonna see outside?” He was a clown till I was about 12 and 13, and that’s about as long as you want your dad to be a clown. When you’re six and seven, there’s perks, absolutely. By the time you’re 12 and 13, kids at school are like, “Is he still doing that?” You’re like, “You know, off and on. “All right, guys? “Yeah, he’s almost full-time magic, so…” I… like, it’s funny, too, when I tell people that my dad was a clown. People will just be like, “Oh, I hate clowns.” It’s like, “Hey, remember… remember that time I just said my dad was a clown?” “I just said that. You’re just like, ‘I hate your father.'” Hanging out with comedians is, like, some of the best, the funnest time… I don’t know… because comedians are crazy. They can be. Like, a good buddy of mine is a comedian. His name’s Luis J. Gomez, and… Whoo! Big fans. A couple Luis J. Gomez fans. Me and Luis once, we go to McDonald’s to go eat, right? Like, I’m a big fan, so, uh… And everybody acts like, when I go there, they’re like, “Haven’t been here in forever.” It’s like, “Don’t act like I’m the one keeping ’em afloat. All right? You know? Someone’s coming here.” So we go in. We ordered our food, and then we take our food, and we sit down at our table. And then Luis went to the bathroom. He left me alone with his food. So I was, “You know what? I’m gonna play a prank on him.” So I grabbed his hamburger. I unwrapped it. I took a bite out of it. Then I wrapped it back up. I put it back down on his tray. So that’s my big prank, right? Like, when he comes back from the bathroom, I’ll be like, “Dude, did they eat your burger “before they gave it to you? “That’s crazy that they’re doing that, right? Is that crazy?” It’s a stupid prank. It’s harmless. It should never leave the table. All that should happen is, Luis should come back, he should open his burger, his first reaction should be to look at his best friend, who’s sitting with him, who also, by the way, dabbles in comedy… And just be like, “Hey, I just wanted to run this by you, “uh, before I unexpectedly go freak out on this entire McDonald’s.” That’s what I thought would go down, just a quick, “Hey, did you touch my food “the only time it was out of my sight? “I just want to know “before I try to fight a group of people “that are gonna be pretty confused on why they’re fighting.” But instead, I got to learn I’m friends with a lunatic and a guy comfortable fighting McDonald’s employees, because he opened his burger and could not have ignored me quicker. He looked at them so fast, almost like he expected them to do it, like… Like it’s happened before, and he’s like, “Again? Again with this?” He just starts yelling at everybody, just, “I’m gonna fight everybody till I find out who ate my burger.” He gets up. He starts walking towards ’em. I can’t believe this is even working. We are so much farther than I’m prepared to get. So I grab him; I was like, “Dude, I ate your burger. I ate it. “Why would you not look at me once to see if I did this?” I walked him back to the table, and we sit down, but it’s already, like, weird. Like, everybody’s, like, looking at us. It takes ten minutes for people to quit filming us with their phones. And it hits me. I start, like, thinking about it. I go, “Dude.” I go, “Luis. “You’re out of your mind. You’re gonna get killed one day, dude.” I was like, “You were about to go fight a guy.” I was like, “Let’s pretend I’m not here, all right? “Let’s pretend that someone did eat your burger “that worked at this McDonald’s. “You were gonna go blindly fight that guy. “Not even try to size him up, see what he looks like? “Do you really think you could beat up a guy “that is apparently pretty confident in himself “that he’s making burgers, he’s then eating ’em, “and then he’s wrapping ’em up and just sending ’em out to whoever?” “You don’t think that guy’s probably “the greatest fighter of all time? “I think you’re gonna walk to that McDonald’s counter “and be like, ‘Who ate my burger?’ “And all the McDonald’s employees are gonna part ways. “They know exactly who you’re talking about. “In the very back, you’re gonna see a guy “cracking his neck. “He’s got his fist in the fryer, “doesn’t even know it. He’s just warming his hands up.” Guys, thank you so much for coming out. You were unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You were great. | Thank you. Wow. Wow. So… thank you. Thank you. Very kind. All right, all right. It’s, uh, you know… I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think the show’s gonna be as good as that. Like, I think I will let you guys down. Thank you guys so much. That was unbelievable. You guys are great. And, it’s just, you know, we’ve… I feel like we’ve peaked, so let’s just get… doing it, something? All right. I’m very excited to be here. My name’s Nate. I’m married and stuff. This is what marriage feels like, by the way… what it feels like in here right now. It’s just one person talking, and the other’s like, “I’m gonna get out of here.” It’s… That’s… We… I’m from Nashville, and me and my wife, we were in Nashville last summer, and we went out on the lake with some of our friends. And we were, like, floating around in the water, and there was a guy in a boat, like, right next to us, and my wife was like, “Oh, that’s my ex-boyfriend in that boat.” Now, I didn’t know who he was, so she didn’t have to say that at all, you know? She was just basically like, “Are you having fun? ‘Cause I’d like to put a stop to that.” “And make you stare at this guy the rest of the day.” So I’m, like, staring at him, and then I look at my wife, and she’s staring at him, and I feel like she’s staring at him to see what her life would be like if she didn’t marry me. So I started staring at him, ’cause I’m like, “I want to see what my life would be like if I didn’t marry her,” you know? And we were putting… we were putting so much pressure on this guy. And… we… we stared at him for a while. He did nothing exciting at all, and, uh, you know, we looked back at each other and just realized, “You know what? We don’t have a boat. That’s the only difference.” My friends… my friends were like, “You should’ve went and tried to fight him. Why didn’t you go fight him?” And I was like, “Well, I would’ve had to swim over to that fight.” “So I don’t know how intimidating that is, for a guy to see a head and a life jacket floating his way.” And then I got to get in the boat, you know? Like, have you ever tried to climb into a boat from water? It’s not aggressive. It takes an hour if no one is in the boat. Like, if he’s in there, I’m never gonna get in. I would need his help. I’d be like, “Could you help me into this boat? I can’t tell you why, but I really need in this boat.” We have a daughter now, and so it’s getting… you know, 2-year-old daughter… it’s getting pretty serious between me and my wife now. And it’s… I don’t know. I was living in New York when my daughter was to be born. She was not born here, though. We flew home. She was born in Tennessee. I didn’t want her to be born in New York. You know, I don’t need her growing up thinking she’s better than me. Yeah, yeah. I was like, “You start where we start, all right? No one gets a leg up in this family.” It’s our first kid. I don’t know if we had a kid too late in life. Sometimes I wonder, like, you know, I’m 35. I was 33 when she was born, and, like… ‘Cause you ever ask someone that has kids, you’re like, “When’s the best time of your life?” They will say before they have kids or after their kids move out. There’s, like, 20 years they don’t mention, and that’s when kids were in their house. So by the time my daughter moves out, I’ll be 53. I’ll be dead within hours. So I’ve just pushed it too far, you know? Like, I should’ve done it earlier. Like, I watched that show Teen Mom, and I was like, “Man, those girls are nailing it. Like, that’s what”… Just get it over with, you know? No one likes junior high or high school anyway, so just throw a kid in the mix. Wrap it all up. If I had my daughter at 13, she’d be moved out right now. Right now, she’d already be gone. I will be excited, like… I’ll be excited when she goes… like, when she goes to school, like, to do homework with her and stuff, you know? ‘Cause it’s like bonding, and it’s not gonna hurt for me to do one more run-through. Just one more pass. None of it stuck for me. I went to community college for one year. Do… yeah. A couple of us? Just me and this guy. That’s… did you go for longer than a year? Or one year too? Or did you go to real college? Couple years. Oh, all right. Valedictorian over here, jeez. Just… I-I made it one. And what’s even more embarrassing… that I do not have a credit. Literally, I do not have… I have zero credits. Do you have credits? You got credits, like, all of ’em? Did you graduate community college? You think you’re better than me? No, just… I just started to attack. He’s like, “I don’t know.” It’s easy, I think, to graduate. Like, I… you know… My loan was $40. I just paid cash. That’s all. I was like, “This is good.” He was like, “That’s more than enough.” I was all remedial classes, which, remedial, you know, it’s like, they just… they don’t count. None of ’em count, so all my classes were outside. Every one was outside. We wouldn’t even meet inside the building. We would just meet at a picnic table outside, ’cause our teacher was like, “Well, you guys will all be working outside.” “We’re gonna teach you about weather, you know, “and, like, we’re gonna teach you about morning dew, “how to get your socks wet. “You’re gonna be getting up pretty early “the rest of your life. “I hope you guys like sunrises, because you’re gonna see a lot of ’em.” That’s what remedial classes are for. They’re a heads-up that you’re gonna do manual labor. The assignments… our teacher’s be like, “All right, so today’s assignment is, we’re gonna help me move, so…” It’s… I’m, like… I’m pretty dumb. I’m… like, you know, I tell people I’m dumb. I’m like, “Hey, I’m dumb.” And… but no one goes, like, “Okay.” They’re just always like, “I bet you’re not dumb.” And you’re like, “Well, I’m trying to help you out here. “Uh, we’re about to have a conversation, so I’m just trying to give you a heads-up.” Here’s a story… I can prove it… if I need to… like I got to prove it. Like, everybody’s like, “Now, we… yeah, you know. We don’t need proof.” Here’s my proof, is, when I was 15, my first job was, in Nashville, was at Opryland theme park. We used to have an amusement park, and I was working, and I’m sitting eating lunch, and this couple sits down, and we start talking and stuff. I was like, “I’m Nate.” And the guy’s like, “I’m John. This is my wife, Jane,” and they… their last name was Doe. So it was John and Jane Doe. And I was just like, “That’s the craziest thing.” Like, what are the odds of that, you know? Like, that’s so crazy. Couldn’t believe it. Cut to earlier this year. I’m 35, I’m driving, and I’m thinking about John and Jane Doe. And, you know, I was like, “I bet they were lying to me about that.” That’s how long it took… 20 years… for me to catch on to a joke they wouldn’t remember saying. I don’t think they would remember it. They’d be like, “Maybe we did that.” Well, it worked. It worked so good. I tried to… I tried to Google ’em, ’cause I was, like, “Maybe they’re not lying,” you know? “I’ll find ’em and go talk to ’em.” But I am sad to report they were murdered. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it’s not good. Yep. It’s… Like, I think of it like… like time traveling. Like, if I could go back in time… like, if I could go back in time tonight and go back to, like, the ’20s, knowing everything I know right now, I don’t think I would make a difference. I don’t think you guys would even hear about it. I don’t think you would. I just don’t… like, ’cause I don’t have anything to get… You know, like I would go back, and I would see, like, some guy on a old phone, and I would be like, “Hey, eventually they have phones you, like, carry in your pocket.” And they’re like, “Yeah?” It’s like, “How do they do it?” I’m like, “Phew, I mean, I don’t know how they do it.” “Oh. I think it’s a satellite? I think… a satellite?” They’re like, “What’s a satellite?” “Oh, I shouldn’t have even said that, uh…” “It’s like metal… “Metal’s got to go pretty high in the air. I don’t know if you guys are doing”… I don’t even know if I could prove I’m from the future. I don’t even think I could. I think I would just get stuck, ’cause they would want something. Like, “Who’s the next president?” “Oh, boy. Uh… “Ooh… Abraham Lincoln. You guys are gonna love him. He’s really good.” They’d just think I’m from the past. That’s… they were like… It would just look… And then I’d have to get a regular job. I would just have to, like, wait tables or something in the ’20s. I would go back in time and do worse than I’m doing right now. I went and visited my parents recently. My parents have a real, real, real fat cat. It’s real fat. People point it out, you know? They walk in; They’re like, “Man, that cat’s fat.” And it feels rude, you know, like, “He doesn’t speak English, but we do, so maybe don’t say that.” And they’re just… you know, they’re like, “What are y’all feeding this cat?” You’re like, “Whatever you feed a cat, dude. “Like normal cat food stuff. We pour a bowl. Like, if he eats eight birds outside, he doesn’t tell us.” You know, he’s not like, “Oh, I ate out tonight. I’m good.” And then they’re like, “Well, y’all should do something.” You’re like, “What do you think we’re not doing? “Do you think he has a gym membership and we don’t drive him to the gym?” He’s a cat. That’s his gym membership, is, he’s a cat. I watched him jump from the ground on top of the refrigerator. That’s like if I jumped on top of a school bus from the ground. Like, if I… if I did that, you’re not gonna be like, “Well, you still could lose a little bit, you know.” Just keep doing what you’re doing. I got to get in shape. Not this shape. This is not a good shape. Something… I got to get… really. I thought… I was like, “Oh, I’m doing an hour special. That’ll motivate me.” And here we are. I tell people I got to get back in shape. I’ve never been in shape, you know? Like, most people are like, “If I could go back to my 20s.” I would have to go back to 7. If I could get back to when I was 7, I was just killing it. I don’t know how to work out. For me, a good workout would be… walking to McDonald’s would be a great start. You know, maybe stand up and eat it. See if that does something. I ordered the P90X videos. I thought I could do that. Never worked out a day in my life, so let’s do what the Navy SEAL’s do. You know why I ordered it? ‘Cause in the commercial… you know how they have, like, a before body and after body? In the… I was blown away by the before body. I thought that’s what you get to look like. I was like, “That guy looks great.” You know, “I would love to look like him.” Then I saw the after body, and I was like, “Does the before body guy have a DVD? “‘Cause that guy seems more my speed, you know. What did he do to get to that? And I’ll just do that.” Someone gave me an Under Armour shirt to wear. Have you ever wore one of those? It’s, like, skintight. It just shows the worst parts of your body. I look better without a shirt on than with that shirt on. You know in plastic surgery how they draw markers on you? They should just put you in that shirt and be like, “Obviously, you can see what we’re gonna go after.” I’m lazy. I can tell, like, watching sports… I was watching a football game, and I’m sitting on my couch, and I was gonna get something to drink out of the refrigerator. Right when I get up, one guy… one team kicked off to the other team. And before I could get back, the guy ran a 100-yard kickoff return, and I missed it. The guy ran 100 yards before I could get 3 to maybe 4 yards. That guy also had 11 people really trying not to let him run 100 yards. I had… I didn’t even have an ottoman in my way. It was wide open. I played sports growing up, though. I played baseball, and one time when I was playing, I’m up to bat; I get walked. So I go, I take my base, I get to first base, I turn, and I look. The catcher was still holding the ball. And, like, he wasn’t… you know, he was staring at me, almost like he’s daring me to run, like, “Why don’t you see if you can go? I don’t think you can go.” And I was like, “I’m gonna go, all right?” So I run to second. He throws it to second, overthrows second base, goes in the outfield. I run to third base. They overthrow third base, so my coach is, like, losing it, like, telling me to go home. Like, this is about to be an inside-the-park home run off a walk. I’m about to be on Sports Center,you know? Like, this is the biggest thing that’s ever happened in sports. So I go. I slide. There’s a play at the plate, and then the umpire goes, “It was only ball three.” So I have to now get up. I’m dirty, for no reason, apparently. I’m out of breath. I got to pick my bat up, exactly where I left it. It’s now three balls, two strikes. Next pitch, immediately strike out. Immediately strike out. The umpire goes, “Now you can go. Yeah, you’re fine.” I did learn something, though, that day. What I did learn was that if you’re confident, you can get away with quite a bit, you know? ‘Cause why didn’t anybody stop me? No one stopped me. No one… they knew I wasn’t supposed to be going. But I was so confident about it that that’s why the catcher was holding the ball going, “What? I don’t… why’s he… Is he supposed to be doing this?” And then I run to second; It’s like, “Well, no one’s that much of an idiot. I guess I wasn’t paying any attention.” The ball goes in the outfield. The outfield… they’re not looking. They think it’s a hit, you know, for all they know. And then I guess the umpire at some point realizes it and is just like… well, it’s easier for me to get all the way back to him to tell me. At least let me feel what it would feel like to get an inside-the-park home run off a walk. I was thinking about, too, like, all the parents in the stands, ’cause, like, they can’t hear what’s going on, so they’re just, like, watching this, and then I bat again. Like, they’re just like, “I guess I don’t understand baseball. “I thought I knew… “It’s just… baseball’s changed since I was a kid. “Used to… you go around like that, you’re done. “You don’t have to get back up there. I don’t like these new rules.” I drink too, which isn’t… like, you know, that doesn’t help. Me and that guy drink. We have pretty big problems and… Just us two. It’s… I don’t know. I’ve had signs that I should quit drinking. One was, I did a show. It was three hours outside of Phoenix, Arizona. It was at a Indian casino, which I don’t know if you’re supposed to say. I’m not… I don’t know. It’s… I don’t know. It was like… I don’t know what you’re supposed to say. It was a casino. There was, like, a crazy amount of Indians there, and… so I… I go. I drive this three-hour drive to the middle of nowhere. I get there. I do the show. Then I was like, “I’m gonna go to bed,” you know? Had to get up at 7:00 a.m., just be a normal person. Then I’m meet this cool Indian dude, and we drink till 5:00 a.m. So then I have to get up… I sleep two hours, get up. I’m walking outside with my roller bag. It’s, like, 190 degrees. I’m just questioning everything I’ve ever done in my life. I’m like, “What are you doing, dude?” And I look up, and there’s a wolf. A real wolf, just in front of my car, just staring at me. Like, and I’m just looking at this wolf. I’m like, “Why is this wolf”… I’m, like, looking around ’cause I’m expecting, like, some guy to be like, “Sorry, my wolf got loose and…” But there’s no guy. It’s just me and this wolf. And he’s just staring at me. And I don’t know how to make a wolf leave. You know, you’re like, “Get out of here, wolf.” Like, I don’t know… what… So I’m just staring, and I’m, like, looking at him. He’s looking right at me. I said, “Why is he not leaving?” Then I just was like, “Wait, is that that Indian dude I was drinking with last night?” Is he a wolf? Is… It wasn’t him. The wolf left. The wolf did wander off. And then I got in my car, and I was driving back, and this happened… This doesn’t seem real, ’cause it’s back-to-back, but I’m driving, and then I get stopped ’cause a helicopter lands in the middle of the road. There’s no one around but me and then this helicopter, and it picks up a guy and then flies off. Like, I should’ve video’d it, ’cause it’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. But I’m, like, hungover, so I’m acting like it happens every day. Like, I’m honking at the helicopter, like, “All right, out of all days? You couldn’t have hovered a second and let me get under?” The other one I had was, I got real drunk and let locked myself out of my hotel room completely naked. Yeah, I’ve done that in my 2-year-old daughter’s lifetime. So… if she hears this and she’s like, “Oh, was that college?” It’s like, “No, that’s when you were the most dependent on me.” Here’s what… look, I don’t know why I was sleeping naked. You just sleep naked when you’re drunk. I don’t do it normal. I think it’s gross. But that day, I was like, “We should try that. Let’s see what that’s about.” And then I remember, I was like, “I got to put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on,” so I walk and I open the door… “Do Not Disturb” sign, you can crack the door and it would fit outside. But acting like I was, like, moving a couch outside, and I was, like, opening it with my body, and then I step outside, and I heard the door shut, which was the most sobering noise I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I was like, “This is not good at all.” You know, like, you’re way too far. I’m holding this “Do Not Disturb” sign, which is pointless. It’s like I just walked out to be, like, a real “Do Not Disturb” sign, just for the hallway. I was like, “Don’t come down here. We’re not ready.” So I’m standing there, and I’m like, “All right, what are you gonna do?” You know, so I look, and there’s a window. I was like, “I could jump out of that. That’s easier than having to explain this to my wife.” And then I looked to the left, and there was a cleaning lady, and she’s just staring at me. And the reason she’s there is because it’s 11:00 a.m. That’s how far in the day it is. And I’m, like, looking at her… And, look, I don’t have a body that, like, when she sees it, I’m like, “You’re welcome,” you know? It’s like, “I’m sorry. Look, I’m really… I don’t know.” So I looked at her, and she knew what I needed, you know? Like, we didn’t really talk. Like, I just kind of looked at her like, “Whew, you know, this happens… happens to the best of us, right?” And she looked at me like, “It does not… it does not happen.” She just let me back in my room. When I told my comic buddies, they tried to make me feel better. They’re like, “I wouldn’t even worry about it. I bet she sees stuff like that all the time.” And I was like, “I bet I’m in her top three.” She might walk in on people naked, but no one ever charges at her naked and then needs her help, you know? Someone might run by her and laugh. No one goes up to her like, “Look, you’re the most important person in my life right now, “and I need you to be on board with all of this, all right? Don’t ask questions.” I’ll mix it up, like, too, like, ’cause, you know, when you’re gonna lose weight, you try to, like, go… you ever do vodka-soda when you want to lose weight? Like, “I’ll do vodka-soda,” then you drink it like beer, and you wake up in the street. But you’re like, “I’m not bloated, and that’s nice.” You know, that’s… It feels so good, just that little… you’re finding any little thing. It all does… it leads to the eating… like, I mean, look, I don’t need help eating bad at all. I’ll do it naturally. And drinking just makes it… the decision that much easier. I have… like, I do all chain stuff. I like my restaurants to be doing good everywhere in the country. I just want to go, and wherever I go in the… I’ve eaten McDonald’s in Dubai. ‘Cause I’m like, “Well, let’s see what they’re doing.” You know, like, “What’s their McDonald’s like?” It’s a little different. And Applebee’s… I’m a big fan of Applebee’s. You know, I really just… whatever… If I eat somewhere that’s not Applebee’s, I will only eat what Applebee’s would serve. Like, if Applebee’s is not on board with it, I’m not gonna be, you know? I eat at Walmart. You can eat there. It’s fine. They’re fine with it. And… Walmart’s great. They’re always open. No one likes… you know, no one likes Walmart, but they’re always open. That’s why they’re great. There was a fire at a Walmart, and they did not shut down. They remained open during the fire. Like, some people didn’t even know there was a fire. Other people thought they were just selling fire. Like, that’s… that’s not that crazy of a thing. I’m a Walmart guy. I think I’m in the middle, you know. I’m not Kmart, but I’m not Target, you know? I don’t… I’m not old money. I don’t think I’m better than everybody. Just right in the middle. You ever go to Kmart? Like, Kmart doesn’t even look open when you go in there. You just walk in, you’re like, “Are you guys about to close? Are you getting looted or something?” They’re like, “No, we’re open.” “Are you? “Are you gonna cut the lights on on that side of the store?” “Maybe get some stuff, you know?” Kmart looks like where you go buy stuff if you were about to open a new Kmart. If you… if you needed shelves for your Kmart, you’re going there and be like, “This is… this is good. I think we’re gonna do it right here.” I lived here for eight years, and I love New York. I love the driving. That’s what’s, like… See, I think we should all learn how to drive in Manhattan. ‘Cause it’s great. Everybody honks at everybody. Just screaming, yelling. That’s how it should be. Growing up in the South, no one honks ever. People just sit at lights, and they’re like, “If you don’t want to go, I totally understand. “I’m probably not gonna go when I get up there, so… “let’s just wait it out, you know? Let’s let traffic die down, and we’ll get home tomorrow.” I once had to take my car to get it fixed, and I go to, like, this mechanic. It was, like… it looked like it was just, like, this dude’s house, and I go inside, and there was, like… there was a line. There was, like, people in there. So we’re sitting there… they were taking forever, and we’re all getting, you know, pretty upset about it. Finally, one of the fellow customers just starts yelling at all the employees, and I was like, “This guy is great.” Like, I loved it. Like, I would never do it, but I like when other people do it. So I was like, “Good for you. Just keep yelling at them.” And he keeps yelling, and then a mechanic comes over and is like, “You got to calm down. You can’t yell at us like that.” And the guy keeps yelling. I’m like, “This guy is great.” Like, he’s getting stuff done. You know, like, nothing can happen. Uh, I was wrong. Because they fist-fought him. They fist-fought him, and then they just dragged him outside. We just watched it. Like, all of… we just… we, like, moved up, and we’re like, “That’s crazy, right?” And… Just like, “I guess that’s what goes on here.” Like that’s in the employee handbook. It’s like, “What are you gonna do if someone gets upset? “Well, I’d like you to fight ’em in front of the other customers “so they get it “and then drag him outside “so people driving by get it as well. “You know what our motto is… our motto is, “‘What did you say? That’s what I thought you said. Keep your mouth shut.'” Yeah. You know, I tweeted about it when it happened. Like, afterwards, I thought it was funny. And they found me. That’s how crazy they were. They found it on Twitter, and they were like, “Hey, could you follow us so we can send you a message?” I was like, “How about, I got the message, all right? “I got it. I’ll delete the tweet. Don’t worry about it.” They were crazy. You just don’t say… I don’t say anything, you know, like, you know, anything about stuff that goes on. You just let stuff happen. I was flying recently, and I was on my… Now when you fly, you know you can leave your phone in airplane mode. So I’m, like, sitting there. We’re about to take off. I’m playing a game. This lady leans over a guy and was like, “Hey, you got to cut your phone off.” And I was like, “What?” And she goes, “You got to cut your phone off. You can’t have it on.” I was like, “You don’t have to do that anymore.” And she was like, “You have to do it.” I go, “You don’t have to do it. That’s not the rules, you know?” And she was like, “Look, I’m not a rule maker.” I was like, “Well, you’re acting like a rule maker, ’cause those are not the rules.” And she just… she goes, “Cut it off, all right?” And guess what. I cut it off. I cut it off, and now I think about her every day. Every day, I think about her. I just want to find her again. I really do. If she ever sees this, you are not right, all right? I was completely right. This is, I think, the only way. You were wrong about it all. I travel a lot doing comedy, which is great. I’ve been to, like, a bunch of different countries, and I… like, it’s all wasted on me. It would be better for you guys to go than me. I don’t know where I’m at, like, in the world, like, when I’m there. Like, I could be an hour from my parents or, like, five days. I’m like, “I don’t know. It’s somewhere, you know?” I went to Bahrain, and I told people I went to Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, like it was the city of Saudi Arabia. And they were like, “You know Bahrain’s its own country.” I was like, “Are they now? Good for those guys, you know? Yeah, that’s good. Good for them.” I went to Honduras. I went there. Pretty… I have a pretty decent fan base there, and… Yeah, this special’s gonna blow that place up once… I mean, they’re gonna be like, “Wow, that’s unbelievable.” A lot of fans, and it’s… No, I’m joking. It was… it was a USO tour, so we go. And I remember I went to the airport, and I, like, told the guy… I was like, “Hey, I’m going to Honduras.” And the guy was like, “All right, like, what city?” And I was like, “Well, I mean, I’m just learning right now that’s not the name of the city.” “Ugh. “You know, where do you think I would be going? “Like, looking at me, which plane do you want me to get on?” We land in Honduras, and this guy picks us up. He’s driving us to the army base, and on the way there, he was like, “Look. There’s a couple things you got to keep an eye out for.” He’s like, “When you go to bed at night, “you got to check your bed for spiders. Like, spiders hide in your bed.” He’s basically just like, “You’re not gonna sleep. Hope that’s cool.” And then he’s like, “There’s a lot of snakes too, “a lot of venomous snakes, so keep an eye out for snakes. “But if you do get bit by a snake, “the best thing to do is go ahead and just catch the snake “and then bring it with you to the doctor. “And you’re just gonna be like, ‘This is the snake that bit me.'” And I was like, “What? “I’m not gonna do that part of it. “Like, you want me to catch a snake, dude? “I’ve never caught a snake in my life. “And you want me to get bit. “Then I got to get it together and catch a snake for the first time?” I was like, “It’s not gonna go good. “He’s gonna keep biting me. That’s all that’s gonna happen.” And he was like, “It doesn’t matter. You’ve already been bit.” And I was like, “What? “Do you even know what a snake is? “Because it completely matters. “There is a huge difference between one bite “and probably 30 bites, “which is what we will be at if I try to catch this snake. “Like, who told you to say this, the snake? Is that who you asked?” I don’t believe in science, you know? That’s just… I don’t understand it, so it’s easier not to believe in it as a whole. That gets you out of a lot of arguments. If you’re just like, “I don’t believe in science,” they’re like, “All right, do you need help or…” Scientists could be making stuff up. That’s a great job to have if you want to make stuff up, ’cause no one… no one can challenge you. You know? No one, like… Nobody say anything. Like, they don’t even get in trouble if they mess up. Like, the Earth was 2 billion years old. Then they’re like, “Now it’s 4 billion years old.” It’s like, “All right, like, how many people got fired after that?” And they’re like, “Nobody.” You’re like, “Really? Y’all just… nothing? ‘Cause y’all were way off.” I read beetles are 320 million years old. It’s like, “Are they? “Or you just know that I don’t know how to figure that out? ‘Cause you could be doing that, you know?” Like, I feel like that’s your first job as a scientist. Like, when you go, they would just probably do the beetles thing. They’re just like, “Go see how old beetles are.” Like when you’re a new scientist and then you’re… You know, you don’t think… the guys are just… Those guys are, like, back there, like, “Just write… write 320 million. “Like, it doesn’t matter. Like, who’s even gonna check, you know?” It’s like, “No one’s gonna question us. We can change it at any point.” Pluto, you know, Pluto’s not a planet. Or it might be a planet. I don’t know. They change it every five seconds. The last I heard, it’s not, and that’s, like, crazy. That’s when I left science. I was like, “I’m out.” Like, “You can’t do that. “You can’t jam Pluto down my throat my whole life, “and then the second I get out of school, you’re like, ‘We were just kidding about Pluto.'” It affected me. In elementary school, I got a C minus on a test because I forgot to put Pluto, and turns out, I should’ve got above an A. That’s what I should’ve got. Yeah. I should’ve been asked to teach the class. I should’ve immediately taught that class and be like, “Nate’s apparently the best.” I never believed in Pluto, you know? I said, “It’s too far.” That’s what I told people. I go, “You just… you guys will see.” I watched a thing on 60 Minutes once about, like, this guy with animals. It was about buying tigers. Like, you can buy… Like, if you guys want a tiger, there’s a guy you can go to, and you can buy a tiger if you want. And I was like… see, they did this whole undercover reporting. And they filmed, like, where he keeps tigers. And then, you know, they, like, asked him afterwards. They’re like, “Hey, do you think it’s too easy to buy a tiger in this country?” And he was like, “Yeah, yeah, sadly, it is.” And that was, like, my favorite part, you know? I was like, “That’s why America’s the best.” I didn’t even know you could buy tigers. I would’ve been embarrassed to ask. And then I watched this, and I was like, “I don’t even have to jump through hoops if I want to buy a tiger.” It’s not an all-day thing. It’s an hour. I’ll be right back with our tiger. And everybody wants to get rid of guns, you know, like guns are the problem, but what makes me nervous is, like, you take away guns from people, those are the exact same people that will buy tigers. That’s gonna be a much bigger problem, all right? You’re probably gonna be like, “Look, here’s your gun back.” They’ll be like, “No, I’m good. “My tiger is way better than my gun. “My gun missed all the time. “My tiger rarely misses. “Even if he does miss, “it’s just for a second. It’s never long.” Like, if a guy dodges a tiger and he’s like, “Your dumb tiger missed,” it’s like, “Well, he did not. “He’s right behind you now. And he is furious, so…” You know that saying, like, “Guns don’t kill people; People kill people”? The new saying will just be like, “These tigers are killing people.” I don’t know. It won’t be a good saying. It’ll just be asking, like, “Do you know where your tiger’s at by any chance? “Do you have any idea? You don’t know? That’s… all right. That’s a big problem.” It’s… I love doing comedy, though. It’s great. The show’s almost over, just so you guys know. I like to let… I like to let everybody know where we’re at. We’re about done. I think it makes you feel better when you’re like, “All right, thanks. Thanks.” Like, how many movies you go to, and then you’re just like, “Jeez, this is taking forever.” And if a guy, like, popped in the screen, was like, “It’s about to wrap…” Yeah. It’s… I know. I know. Two more seconds. And you’re like, “Thanks, man. That was, you know…” I love doing comedy. I was… there was a time I was gonna quit. I was gonna quit early on. I tried. Then there was no one to quit to, no one. Here’s why I do it, or I think why. My dad… my dad is an entertainer as well. He’s a magician. Still is a magician. Started as a clown. Just, you know, I don’t want to come off like I come from some rich magic family… And I’m better than you guys. You know, he paid his dues, his clown dues. It’s weird when your dad’s a clown. It’s weird every day. It’s… I never trusted clowns, you know? Like, have you ever been yelled at by a clown? I have. Do you know how confusing that is, to get screamed at by a guy that’s got a smile painted on his face? You’re like, “Is this not the same clown those kids are gonna see outside?” He was a clown till I was about 12 and 13, and that’s about as long as you want your dad to be a clown. When you’re six and seven, there’s perks, absolutely. By the time you’re 12 and 13, kids at school are like, “Is he still doing that?” You’re like, “You know, off and on. “All right, guys? “Yeah, he’s almost full-time magic, so…” I… like, it’s funny, too, when I tell people that my dad was a clown. People will just be like, “Oh, I hate clowns.” It’s like, “Hey, remember… remember that time I just said my dad was a clown?” “I just said that. You’re just like, ‘I hate your father.'” Hanging out with comedians is, like, some of the best, the funnest time… I don’t know… because comedians are crazy. They can be. Like, a good buddy of mine is a comedian. His name’s Luis J. Gomez, and… Whoo! Big fans. A couple Luis J. Gomez fans. Me and Luis once, we go to McDonald’s to go eat, right? Like, I’m a big fan, so, uh… And everybody acts like, when I go there, they’re like, “Haven’t been here in forever.” It’s like, “Don’t act like I’m the one keeping ’em afloat. All right? You know? Someone’s coming here.” So we go in. We ordered our food, and then we take our food, and we sit down at our table. And then Luis went to the bathroom. He left me alone with his food. So I was, “You know what? I’m gonna play a prank on him.” So I grabbed his hamburger. I unwrapped it. I took a bite out of it. Then I wrapped it back up. I put it back down on his tray. So that’s my big prank, right? Like, when he comes back from the bathroom, I’ll be like, “Dude, did they eat your burger “before they gave it to you? “That’s crazy that they’re doing that, right? Is that crazy?” It’s a stupid prank. It’s harmless. It should never leave the table. All that should happen is, Luis should come back, he should open his burger, his first reaction should be to look at his best friend, who’s sitting with him, who also, by the way, dabbles in comedy… And just be like, “Hey, I just wanted to run this by you, “uh, before I unexpectedly go freak out on this entire McDonald’s.” That’s what I thought would go down, just a quick, “Hey, did you touch my food “the only time it was out of my sight? “I just want to know “before I try to fight a group of people “that are gonna be pretty confused on why they’re fighting.” But instead, I got to learn I’m friends with a lunatic and a guy comfortable fighting McDonald’s employees, because he opened his burger and could not have ignored me quicker. He looked at them so fast, almost like he expected them to do it, like… Like it’s happened before, and he’s like, “Again? Again with this?” He just starts yelling at everybody, just, “I’m gonna fight everybody till I find out who ate my burger.” He gets up. He starts walking towards ’em. I can’t believe this is even working. We are so much farther than I’m prepared to get. So I grab him; I was like, “Dude, I ate your burger. I ate it. “Why would you not look at me once to see if I did this?” I walked him back to the table, and we sit down, but it’s already, like, weird. Like, everybody’s, like, looking at us. It takes ten minutes for people to quit filming us with their phones. And it hits me. I start, like, thinking about it. I go, “Dude.” I go, “Luis. “You’re out of your mind. You’re gonna get killed one day, dude.” I was like, “You were about to go fight a guy.” I was like, “Let’s pretend I’m not here, all right? “Let’s pretend that someone did eat your burger “that worked at this McDonald’s. “You were gonna go blindly fight that guy. “Not even try to size him up, see what he looks like? “Do you really think you could beat up a guy “that is apparently pretty confident in himself “that he’s making burgers, he’s then eating ’em, “and then he’s wrapping ’em up and just sending ’em out to whoever?” “You don’t think that guy’s probably “the greatest fighter of all time? “I think you’re gonna walk to that McDonald’s counter “and be like, ‘Who ate my burger?’ “And all the McDonald’s employees are gonna part ways. “They know exactly who you’re talking about. “In the very back, you’re gonna see a guy “cracking his neck. “He’s got his fist in the fryer, “doesn’t even know it. He’s just warming his hands up.” Guys, thank you so much for coming out. You were unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You were great. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/marc-maron-end-times-fun-transcript/ | Marc Maron: End Times Fun (2020) – Full Transcript | marc maron | [audience chattering indistinctly] [man] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Marc Maron. [audience cheering] [cheering continues] Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming out. Nice to see you. [audience quietens] Okay. All right. [sighs] I’m happy you came, I really am. I don’t know how to– I don’t know how to accept the love. I don’t know how to accept it, but I’m gonna try. So, I got this weird thing in my head. I’m sort of a mid-level celebrity. That’s how I see myself, mid-level. Not complaining, but I know where I’m at. I could be walking down the street and three dudes could be walking towards me, and one of them will be like, “Holy fuck, Marc Maron!” And the other two are like, “No, I don’t know that guy.” Now, look, I’m happy the one guy likes me, but what I’ve learned over time is that I don’t really have to stand there while he tries to explain who I am… to his friends. That’s not a great few minutes for me. Not great… when I’m standing there and he’s saying, “You don’t know anything this guy’s done? How is that even fucking possible? I mean… he’s been doing it, like, 35 years. Right, Maron?” “Yeah, yeah, about 35… It’s been 35.” “You know, like, you never listened to his CDs, or the podcast, or his own show, or Glow, or the specials, or nothing?” And the guys are like, “No, we don’t fucking know this guy!” And that’s when I’m like, “I’m gonna go, I think. I think I’m gonna… walk away from this, ’cause I didn’t, uh, work 35 years for this feeling. Not great. And your friends are kind of assholes, am I right?” The guy’s like, “Yeah, they are, but they’re my bros. But look, man. I don’t have to hang out with them, I can hang out with you, Marc Maron.” That’s when I’m like, “I don’t fucking know you, or the people you’re with.” But you know, we hung out, the three of us… spent a little time together. I showed his friends some stuff on my phone of me doing stuff and I think they’re on board. I think I– I pulled ’em in. I got a couple of newbies. Did a little mission– What do you call… Missionary work is what I did. I just don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t– Here’s– It’s my job to– to think of funny things, to sit around and think of funny things, and a few weeks ago, I was sitting on my couch and I realized, like, “I just don’t know.” And then it went from there to, like, “What do I know, actually? What do I…” And then it went from there to like, “Do I really know anything? Like, how much do I really know?” And you gotta be careful with this type of rabbit hole within your own brain, because it can go quickly to, like, “Do I even exist?” Which is sort of sophomoric. But usually at that moment, I always look at my cat Monkey and I go, “Well, Monkey’s there, and he’s looking at me, so I’m here.” So, Monkey’s always the philosophy killer. I can always rely on him for that. # But if you really think about what you really actually know, it’s only a few things, like seven things, maybe everybody knows. The rest are just patterns you call a life. And… If you actually made a column of things you’re pretty sure you know for sure, and then made another column of how you know those things, most of that column is like, “Some guy told me.” You know, it’s not sourced material, it’s just– it’s clickbait and hearsay, that’s all. Goes into the head, locks onto a feeling, you’re like, “That sounds good. I’m gonna tell other people that.” And that’s how brand marketing works, and also fascism, we’re finding. So… What is the point? The point is… Like somebody, like, I don’t know… Look, I take vitamins. All right? I take ’em. I take ’em every day. I take vitamin B, vitamin C, vitamin D, and every day they’re in my hand, I look at them and in my heart, I think, “These don’t fucking do anything.” There’s no way they do anything. I know they don’t do anything. But other part of me believes that they do. You can actually believe something that you know is bullshit. It’s a problem. So now, man, I take ’em every day, because, you know, I’m afraid to die and I think it’s gonna give me a leg-up. That’s why everybody takes ’em, right? It’s gotten to the point where if I don’t take them, I’ve actually driven back to my house to take vitamins I know don’t fucking do anything, because I believe that might be the day I get whatever it’s gonna be that I get. Do you understand? All right. I think the deeper point here is you never know when someone’s gonna dump some shit into your head that’s gonna ruin your life, or at least change it, for months, or just cause you trouble. And it could be just in passing, somebody just drops shit into your head, and you have to deal with it. Like, you could just be having a day, and somebody maybe you know or don’t know that well goes, “Are you taking turmeric?” “What?” “Turmeric, are you taking it?” “Turmeric?” “Yeah, you gotta take that shit.” “Turmeric?” “Yup.” “The spice?” “Yeah, you gotta take it.” “Turmeric, the spice.” “Yeah, man, you gotta take that.” “The– The spice that you buy once to make an Indian recipe… and you never use it again, and it stains your wooden spoon, that turmeric?” “Yeah, you got to take that shit.” “I do?” “Yep.” “For what?” “Inflammation.” “Of what?” “Just general. General… General inflammation.” “What is– What is that?” “It’s the new bad thing that causes all the other bad things.” “What happened to cholesterol?” “No, turns out that’s good for you.” “What? When did that happen? Turmeric, huh? Who told you about this?” “My trainer.” “All right, so the guy who wanted to do something else with his life… saw something online, told you, and now you’re dumping it into my head, now I gotta worry about whether I’m gonna take turmeric or not?” And I apologize, I know it’s a little condescending to trainers and some people get a little weird about that. I don’t know why. Is that a surprise? Most trainers, wasn’t their life goal, all right? They– They had other plans… the team didn’t work out, they didn’t make the team. They were at the gym a lot anyways. Whatever. Just wasn’t the big plan for them, all right? They– They ended up there. And they can take this criticism. Just– I’m just calling a fact a fact. I’m not gonna make fun of yoga instructors ’cause that’s different. That’s sort of the last stop for them. You know, like… You wanna be nice to them, you don’t know how they got there, it’s probably a harrowing tale, but, you know, you’re kind of grateful they made it to wherever they are, and you know that you being in their class is as important to them as they are to you. Like, if it doesn’t work out for the trainer, he’s gonna figure out something else to do. The yoga instructor, we really don’t know where that goes. You know, back to the turmeric guy, as he’s walking away, he’s like, “Oh, yeah, if you’re gonna get the turmeric, make sure you get it with black pepper in it or it won’t activate.” Now, right there, doesn’t that make you go, “That sounds like bullshit to me a little bit”? Am I that big of a sucker that you think I would believe that? Where’s the science on that? That sounds like a couple of vitamin hustlers sitting over a mound of wholesale turmeric with a bunch of empty gel caps, one guy going, “I don’t know, man. I don’t think we can move this just like this. It’s just a spice. I think we gotta… We gotta add something.” “Yeah, like what, boss?” I don’t know why it’s a ’30s movie. “I don’t know, maybe another spice?” “Yeah, like what? Maybe pepper?” “Yeah, keep talkin’.” “Maybe– Maybe we say it activates it?” “Holy shit! That’s a fucking million-dollar idea right there. Let’s load up these gel caps. Maybe Rogan will move ’em on his podcast. I mean, I know Maron won’t do it, he’s more of a Stamps.com, Squarespace guy… but Rogan’s sort of an old school supplement slinger.” And I know I’m gonna get a little flak for that comment. I know there might be a minor pile-on on Twitter of the monoculture of free thinkers, but I can take it. So I guess, after all is said and done, I should just say that, like, I’m taking turmeric and, um… I feel less inflamed, you know? In a… in a general way. Generally less inflamed. I’m gonna believe that. I believe that. It’s funny what we believe in. You know, it’s kind of ridiculous sort of all kind of magical thinking, ’cause we’re all frightened. But there’s one thing that is kind of baffling to me. You know, we all take vitamins, yet there’s a vocal but small minority of people in this country that refuse to vaccinate their children. They refuse to vaccinate their children because the jury’s still out, I think, on the vaccines. Is it, though? Jury’s out on vaccines? How many friends do you have with polio? A lot of polio people… in the family in iron lungs? Got a lot of people you know in iron lungs? Did you ever get over that whooping cough you had? How’s that kid with mumps of yours? Is that kid all right, you fucking moron? And they’re always like, “The measles isn’t a big deal.” Yes, it is! They were– It was gone! There were no measles! They’re like, “Everyone knows you can knock out the measles with a high dose of vitamin A.” What? No. I mean, if you add a little bit of black pepper, I think maybe… you got a shot at knocking out the measles. I don’t know what’s happening, people. I don’t know. But it’s pretty clear the world is ending. I don’t want to shock anybody. Seems to be happening, though. I thought we’d get out. I thought we’d make it under the wire. I thought I would, you know. I’m 56, but I don’t know, I think we might see it. I think we might see it. Certainly it’s been ending environmentally for a long time. We’ve all kind of known it, we knew it, but I think on a deeper level, the reason we’re not more upset about the world ending environmentally is I think all of us, in our hearts… really know that we did everything we could. You know, we really… Right? I mean, we really did. I mean, think about it, we– you know, we… [inhales sharply] We brought our own bags… to the supermarket. Yeah, that’s about it. -Like, we brought– We brought the bags. -[audience cheers] Right when they told us, we brought ’em, and it just wasn’t enough, it turns out. Just not enough… to, you know, get us over the top with this. But I don’t know, maybe this straw thing, the no straw thing… will, you know, maybe that’ll do it. Maybe that’ll keep the polar bears from drowning. Sometimes the answer is right between your mouth and your soda, you know? And you just take that out of the equation, and… the human species survives. You know what I mean? It’s gonna be a tough transition for a lot of people. You know to, like, “Oh, fuck, I guess we gotta drink like grown-ups now. It’s bullshit, man, no straws. Fuck this. Goddamn liberals fuck everything up.” And that is the tone and depth of many of their arguments. Look, I have to be honest with you, Trump is probably the most horrible human that ever lived in any capacity doing anything. [audience cheering] And I… Not a political statement. That is, uh, observational. Completely observational. No matter what he would do. If he was doing another job, he would be the same asshole. Like, if he was working on a car lot and you went onto that lot to buy a new car and he came walking towards you, innately, you’d be like, “No, not that guy. Not… I don’t feel comfortable with that guy. There’s something off. Not right. It’s not right.” And I don’t know, man. It’s, like, a lot of people still ask that question, like, “How did this happen? Why… [chuckles] How did– How did he get elected?” Now, I don’t want to be condescending. I think most of you are like-minded people, I don’t think there’s a lot of Trump supporters in here. If there are, it’s not your night, but… But, uh… But I think there is a question among people that aren’t Trump people that’s sort of like, “How did this happen?” Well, I had to ask myself that and I’ll ask you. So, during the Obama years, were you pretty politically active? Yeah, exactly. So, like… If you ask most people, “What did you do during the Obama years?” It’d be something like, “Well, I worked on me. I did a lot of work on my– on myself. You know, I was very mindful. There was a lot of hope then. Did a lot of yoga. A lot of yoga. Got my core tight. And I think that was good. I think that’s good.” They were chipping away at state and local governments for 30 years, but your Downward Dog is solid? That’s great. That’s terrific. Good for you. So I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I don’t even know if he’s gonna leave if he gets voted out. What if he doesn’t fucking leave? I know most of you have thought that because now it could happen because we don’t know how government really works anymore. We used to think there was rules and stuff, but clearly none that weren’t bendable or completely eradicate-able. Is that a word? There doesn’t seem to be any rules. There’s all these norms which are basically just, “You’re gonna do the right thing, right?” “Yeah, no problem, don’t worry.” What is that? How do you enforce that? What if he doesn’t fucking leave? Oh, my God. But worse yet, what if he gets elected again? Oh, man. I hope the voting works in our favor. But I was onstage and I asked that question. I said, “What if he doesn’t leave?” And a woman somewhere in the goes, uh, “There’d be anarchy in the streets!” I was thinking like, “In this country? I don’t think so.” I think what would happen is three days into him not leaving, people would be like, “Is he still there? This is so weird. It’s so weird.” “I know, it’s fucked up and weird.” “Totally fucked up and weird.” “Is he just gonna stay there?” “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s gonna happen.” “Well, what do we do?” “I don’t know.” “Do we even go to yoga anymore?” “Oh, we have to go to yoga. Like, now more than ever we have to go… because that energy is important out in the world. And the instructor Chelsea will be sad if we don’t go and I’m worried about her.” [scattered applause] Oh, thank you. [applause and cheers] Look, I don’t really know– I don’t know how it all– [chuckles] I don’t know– Obviously none of us do, and you’re just trying to, you know, get through it. I hate when people go, “Don’t normalize this presidency.” I don’t think anybody is really normalizing it, but we’re just trying to deal. I mean, what’s the alternative? To walk around going, “Oh, my God! What the fuck is happening?! Every day, I’m terrified! This is fucking crazy!” I mean, you can’t do that. Many people have jobs, they have things to do, they have to function in the world. You don’t want to be the crying guy at work. “What’s the matter with him?” “It’s that Trump thing.” It hasn’t stopped for almost two years now.” [sobbing] “I don’t know!” [chuckles] How do you get through it, you know? You gotta have some hope, I guess. I don’t know… Uh, you know, spiritual? You spiritual? You practical? What do you do? I don’t know who I’m asking, I don’t know who I’m expecting to answer. I myself… Look, I’m a Jew, for… You know, whatever that means. I mean, there’s a broad spectrum of that and generally… You know, I don’t know if I was ever taught to use God. How to use God… You know, we were told he was there, but most of what you learn as a middle-class American Jew is that you’re better than other people and… you should say you’re a Jew out loud occasionally, sometimes out of context. Like, those– those are the basic rules. And we are better than other people. I’m sorry, I know that’s… why we’re so contemptible to some of you, but yeah, that’s true. And you just kind of say you’re a Jew, like, maybe at dinner someone says something and you say, like, “Well, I’m a Jew.” And it doesn’t make sense to anybody, really. The one other Jew there kinda knows that you’re taking the hit, like, “You’re the target now and, uh… but I’m glad you did your part today.” But I don’t know, you know, the Jesus thing, that’s different. You know, that’s kind of dug in. Right? If you got the Jesus put in you early on, it’s usually terrified into you by terrified parents and you’re taken some place once a week and he scares you, uh, at the very least. Uh… [chuckles] That– That’s the best thing that can happen, is… just the basic fear. The God fear is good. Leave it at that. And that kind of sticks in there. It sticks in a little deeper, you know, so I’m not judging, you know, your– your faith. Do whatever you gotta do to get by, right? Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh. The Marvel Universe, I think, works for some people. It’s a very popular belief system. They claim that it isn’t, but I think it kinda is, ’cause I’ve poked at the Marvel Universe fans, and they react like religious fanatics. They– And it’s dug in there pretty deep. They’ll… They will claim, the grown male nerd-children, will claim… that it’s just entertainment and why do I gotta be some sort of buzzkill? Why am I bullying them? Well, quite frankly, I think at this point, nerd culture, I’m punching up, all right? They’re no longer, you know, the huddled weirdos. They– They now sort of run the cultural apparatus. And I’m not– like, I’m not saying… Yeah, I am saying it’s a shitty thing, but what I’m saying… is I think it’s a belief system and I don’t think they’re willing to admit that. There’s a couple of bubbles, you know? You got the Fox News bubble, which is evil and malignant. You’ve got the broader Christianity bubble, which can go either way. And then you’ve got, you know, the Marvel Universe bubble, which is culturally malignant, but not as evil as Fox, but it’s troubling. It’s troubling for a couple reasons, one of them, culturally, is being, like, if you’re a grown-up, who doesn’t feel like they need or want to see those movies, you kind of feel bullied into going, and you have to literally resist. Like, I’m not going to go. Because you know people that are like, “Maybe it’ll be fun.” Don’t go, don’t do it. Don’t give in. You’re a grown-up and you don’t know what it’ll do to your brain. Brains are very soft, they’re a lot softer than we assume. There’s a lot of people that are, you know, allowing themselves to become stupid and they don’t even know it, and it’s sad when you’re their friend. So… But, like, for grown-up movies, the studios put so much money into those Marvel movies and it kinda pushes the grown-up movies into your home, which is fine, but sometimes you want to see a movie like a movie with an audience, not just with your cat, in my case. So… You know, sometimes because of Marvel movies, you have to drive 25, 30 miles to a smaller theater to see a good, adult independent film with other human beings, like-minded people, where you all get to leave at the end, confused by the ending. And you can overhear other people saying things like, “Did he die at the end, or he didn’t? Why is that not clear?” “I think the director wants us to be having this conversation.” “Well, I don’t like it. Why can’t we know whether he died or not? It seems important to the movie.” “Well, see, it clearly had an effect on you.” “Is this the effect you want, though?” But Marvel movies… See, the reason I think it’s a belief system is most– some of these guys are my age, the fans of Marvel movies, and they’ve been reading, like, Marvel comic books since they were, like, nine. Like, four to ten titles a month for, like, what? Forty years? I mean, come on, like, those of you who read the Bible when you were a kid, you got away from it, probably. You know, you lapsed a little bit. You don’t read the Bible now unless you find a lump in your armpit or something. You know, but it sort of got away from you. These guys still read four to ten titles a month and you’re gonna tell me that doesn’t run deeper than just entertainment? Come on, there is a lot of grown male nerd-children that, when their life gets scary and existential and fucked up, you know, they bow down and go, “Oh, Endgame will be out soon!” You know, they’re going, “When is the next one coming?” And I think they believe it deeper than you’re assuming they believe it. And I think it’s fine. You know, Jesus, Iron Man. Does it matter, really? These are… These are good stories. They’re good stories. Good and evil, redemption. And oddly, you know, both of them could come back, like… Iron Man died at the end of the last movie, but it’s possible that he could come back. I think a lot of grown male nerd-children are hanging onto hope and they kinda know, like, “He’ll be back.” And Jesus, of course, is prophesized, so… You know, we’re on the precipice of two resurrections, folks. I think it should be noticed or recognized that both the story of Jesus and the Marvel Universe created in Jewish writer rooms. Um… [cheering] A couple… couple thousand years apart, but, you know, it comes from that amazing, creative imagination that Jews have. Because of how great they are. The reason I’m doing this is I just want to know that there’s a few people in the room here, no matter how progressive you may think you are, that are going like, “We get it, you’re a Jew.” Like, I just want to know that I’m causing that to happen. Because I believe that most people are anti-Semitic… given the option. I’m not… I’m not saying they’re walking around saying, “Fuck the Jews, they’re terrible,” but it doesn’t take much baiting, you know, like, “Hey, you know, the Jewish guy stuff–” “You know, you’re right, fuck them.” Like, it’s just– It’s right there. And I think that I’m trying to find it in you so you see it in yourself. But I know you’re asking, “Why are Jews so amazing? Where does that creativity come from?” And I’ll do a quick impression of Jewish creativity for you right now. This is my impression of Jewish creativity. “Keep making shit up that they like so they don’t kill us!” That’s– It’s a deep place. It comes from a deep place. [audience cheering] Yeah. The more modern version of that in the comic book era was like, “I didn’t flee Poland for them to kill us! Keep making up superheroes!” Similar. Similar thing. Am I right? I don’t really know. I don’t know what… [chuckles] I don’t know… Here’s the weird thing about being a Jew. You know, I’m not religious, but I am prone to prophecy. Um, and I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. I’m not saying I’m a prophet, but if I’m terrified, I’ll go mystical, you know? I mean, I don’t mind. I’ll do it. And sometimes it doesn’t make sense. It makes sense to me, but, like, I’ll give you an example. [inhales sharply] Like, I was hiking and, um… This wasn’t too long ago, and I’m looking at the ground, I realized, “Wow, a lot more lizards now.” I don’t know what that means, but… like, I think it’s deep. I think that Trump has opened the lizard portal and I… think you should share that. Why can’t that be a little thing of information that you spread around a little bit? Just walk up to somebody, like, say, “Maron said the lizard portal’s open.” And people will be like, “What the fuck are you talking about?” And you’re like, “I don’t know, but it sounds scary. Sounds real. Sounds like it’s happening.” “The lizard portal?” “Yup, the lizard portal is open. Saw a coyote out during the day. That’s not right, they’re nighttime monsters. You gonna tell me the lizard portal isn’t open, it is, and day coyotes are among us, and you’re gonna say that’s not a fucking problem? That’s not a harbinger of what’s happening?” Our state is on fire right now. It’s on fire all the time. Every year, California is on fire to the point where it’s just the way it is. Two weeks ago, my friend Lynn said, “Aren’t the fires a little late this year?” How is that something you say… like it’s a season? It kinda is a season. Once a year, if you live in California, you’re like, “Ah, fuck, there are ants and shit’s burning. Must be summer.” So they are late this year. And it’s crazy, man. We just kinda live with it and they’re worse and worse, and, you know, like, you get those panicky calls from friends and relatives on the East Coast. Like, my mother will call from Florida. “Hi, are you okay?” “Yeah. What are you talking about?” “The fires.” “Oh, shit, yeah. They’re not by me. Um…” [audience cheering] “Did– Did they… Did they say where they are on the news where you are? Where? Oh, shit, that is kinda by me. Hold on a second, I’m gonna take a look out my front door here. Oh, shit, Ma. I gotta call you back, I… I can see the fires. They’re, like, right here. Yeah, I gotta call you back, I gotta get a selfie with these fires. Fire’s getting close. Hashtag ouchie. Hashtag end times. Hashtag Los Angeles 2019!” [audience cheering] It’s happening. I don’t know what it’s gonna take to get everybody, you know, to… Like, you would think at this point that we’d… Like, haven’t we been entertained enough? Weird thing for me to say, but Jesus. Like, isn’t there something that could bring everyone together and just realize, like, we’ve got to put a stop to, like, almost everything. Right? Oh, my God, what would it take? Something terrible. That’s what brings people together. Nothing good. Occasionally a concert outdoors. But that never really goes anywhere. [chuckles] It’s gotta be something bad and big. Get everyone to fucking snap out of this… Fuck, whatever it is, trance of like… It’s– Well, I think we do it adaptively. I think it’s sort of like, “I’m doing what I can in my life.” Well, that’s not enough. You know… [laughs] I don’t know what it’ll take. Does the sky have to catch on fire? Would that do it? If we all walked outside and went, “Oh, we fucked it. Fucking sky’s on fire. God damn it. I knew we were in trouble, but fuck, it made the jump from land to sky. This is bad.” One guy standing there, “It’s not on me, man, I brought my bags.” Some other dude in the back going, “Hannity says this is normal!” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “I watched Hannity today, he summed it up, man. He said the sky caught fire, I think, in India, 1902… Burned for three days and it rained for, like, a month. So, don’t believe the libtards’ spin on this.” “What are you talking about?” “Burning sky’s good for America.” “What does that even mean?” “A lot of jobs in a burning sky.” “That doesn’t even make sense, stupid.” “Jews set the sky on fire.” “Yeah, of course they did. I knew it would get to that.” Then some other doughy guy just standing there, maybe in his little… baseball hat going, “Come on, Iron Man. Come on, Iron Man. This is your time. I know you’re real.” My mother is, uh, still alive and… Oof. Sorry, wrong tone. Um… I’m blessed to have my mother still with me. Better? Uh… No, you know, she’s still around. That’s good. And it– I think she’s part of it, you know, the whole end thing. It’s weird, no matter how old they get– I’m 56. You know, my mom’s still around, got all her mental things. She’s all good upstairs, physically she’s doing great, but they can, you know, they can still fuck your day up… at any age. Surprise you. Like, I got a text about a month or so ago from my mother in the middle of a nice day, all caps, “I wish we could do your childhood over.” With a little baby bottle emoji. What does that even mean? What is that? Like, I didn’t even know what that– Like, what was the tone of that? Was it– I didn’t know if she was being contrite, you know, or nostalgic, like, was… was she taking responsibility for whatever caused me to do this for a fucking living? Or– Or– was she just sort of reflecting and like, “We were friends when you were four. I don’t know if you remember that.” Either way, I responded with, “I don’t think I could handle it!” With this emoji… But she’s part of the end, I think, she’s part of the unfolding. She’s part of the prophecy. Yeah, I’m pretty sure. I call her up and it’s– I’m like, “Hi, Mom.” She’s like, “Hi, Marc.” “How’s it going?” “Good. So glad you called. How are you?” “I’m good.” “What are you doing?” “You know, the stuff.” “That’s good.” “How about you, everything good?” “Yep.” “What have you been doing?” “We went to that restaurant that we took you to when you were here.” “The one you always go to?” “Yes. They give you too much food.” “Okay. What else is going on?” This happened, like, a couple months ago, my mother said this out of nowhere, she goes, “I have to go, Marc. I have to go feed my iguanas.” And I said, “What?” She goes, “My iguanas, I have to feed them. I love you, bye.” My mother doesn’t have iguanas. And I thought, this is her, this is it, she’s starting to go, right? But then I thought, wait, maybe it’s, like, senior sex code. You know what I mean? Maybe there was… a couple of octogenarian men sitting on her sofa in their boxers going, “When’s this gonna happen? Is it gonna happen?” You can laugh at that. She’s my mother. She can– You don’t have to respect her. She can take the hit. She likes to be talked about. She does. When she hears that joke, all she’ll say is, “Is that necessary?” But… [chuckles] Iguanas, man. I did a Google search on South Florida and iguanas. Yeah. Turns out there’s a massive iguana problem in South Florida. They’re all over the place. They’re out of control. They’re eating through power lines, they’re showing up in cars and homes. There’s literally iguanas fucking everywhere. So, yes, the lizard portal is open. All over the world. And on every one of those websites where I looked at the iguana issue, you know what it says? “Please do not feed… the iguanas.” But my mother has taken it upon herself… I assume she thinks she’s feeding the same few iguanas every day out behind her house, like they’re her friends. She’s just down there going, like, “Look, this is some food from the restaurant we took my son to when he was here. They give you so much food, I hope you enjoy it. Look at your tongue. Look at the tongue! Look at the tongue.” Now, if that isn’t written somewhere in the prophetic books… “When the aging Jewish witch… feeds the dinosaurs off her deck… the return of the Christ is upon us.” I believe it’s in Revelation and I just want to say, that’s my mommy and I’m proud of her. [audience cheering] Yes. I’m doing what I can, people. I’m a 56-year-old man. Just trying to stay woke, you know? Yup. I am of the generation that needed waking. For sure. I think I’m about 85% woke… and the other 15 I keep to myself. Which is actually being woke. It’s putting that voice in your head that goes, “Hey, you know, don’t say that. Maybe don’t say that.” “Good call. Thanks for getting my back.” It’s a close one. I mean, look, if you were to ask me if I was a feminist, I would say, “Of course,” but you know, I have my days. Um… I mean, I’m a guy, I’m a man. I’ve been a man all my life. Before that I was a boy, and… if you’re a man, look, let’s be honest, you probably heard yourself or some other dude that you know at some point in time say this… “Fuck ’em! Fuck ’em all! Fuck women.” Now, the question is, does that guy hate women? I don’t know. Let’s break it down. This is just my experience. Let’s break it down. “So fuck all of them?” “All right, you’re right. Just the last three I dated, right? Fucking bitches.” “So just three?” “You know what? Just Michelle, really. Fucking bitch. Broke my heart, took my shit. Fuck Michelle.” “So, just one woman.” “Yeah, and it was kinda my fault.” And… I think that’s a pretty good working definition of woke: “It was kind of my fault.” And where you go from there will determine how woke you stay. But that’s the beginning of it. It could go either way, it’s a rough crossroads. And I think one of the biggest problems men have is that they have a dick. All… Most men have dicks. If you’re a man, you don’t have a dick, I hope it was a choice and not an accident. Dicks are a problem, and I think this is sort of… the TED Talk portion of my show. I, uh– I think I’ll call it “The History of My Dick” and it’s meant to be helpful. Trying to help men be respectful, empathetic, and care in the proper way with boundaries about women. And, well, dicks are, you know… [stammers] It’s a problem, it’s an obstacle. Do you remember the first time you came? I’m putting this out there to the men. Uh… It’s a big day. It’s a life-changing day. A lot of times, it doesn’t even involve sexual thoughts, it just sort of happens for some reason, usually, like, when you’re eight or nine or ten. Like for me, it involved a bath faucet with running water, and I– I stuck my dick in it. And I was nine and I knew something was gonna happen. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it felt pretty big, and it could have been bad, it could have been good, but I stuck with it. Turned out to be fucking amazing. And, uh, a life-changer. Really a great day. And, honestly, I fucked that faucet for a year-and-a-half. Now… Just being… I’m trying to be honest and open. I’ll get to the point of this. Then at some point, someone tells you what that feeling is. Maybe you’re a kid who has an older brother or somebody finds a porno magazine or you find your parents’ copy of The Joy of Sex hidden in a mattress and you can look at fairly realistic renditions of hippies fucking, and what’s… [chuckles] And, like, once someone informs you that that feeling comes from putting your penis into a vagina, that just fucking changes your entire neural pathway issue. And it’s sort of… all you think about… is putting your penis in a vagina… from age 13 to, like, this morning. This is truth. It’s all you fucking think about ’cause it’s amazing. Like, you know, I… I was sort of surprised when I learned about it, you know, because there was part of me that was, like, when I was told about the vagina, I was like, “Really? That’s not water.” You know, like, so, like… And it– And it honestly seemed much more complicated, which I believe to this day is true. But once you know, man, it’s all… You just want to be in the vagina. And that’s the problem, you know, especially for my generation of men, I think, because I really think that a lot of us didn’t really realize in a deep way that women had hopes or dreams or… supportive friends, family, things they wanted to do. Those were really just hurdles, you know, to… try to put it in the vagina. Just wanted to put it in the vagina. So, like… So the way I’m gonna try to help is, like, I think a lot of men have the vagina too far up front in their head still and I think that that’s not really acceptable and I think it’s at the core of a lot of disrespect. I mean… You know, if you have vagina way up front, women know now, it’s not good. It’s not– It’s not a good look. It’s not a good way to be. Like, you don’t have to hug Vicki every day at work. She knows what’s up. It’s awkward. The weird rubbing the back thing in the break room, what is that? That’s not sociable. It’s fucking creepy, you know? I would just stop it. You gotta move vagina back. ‘Cause they– Women can see it now. Vagina is right there, it’s, you know… it’s disrespectful, it’s insensitive. Move it back a few. Maybe, you know, three to five spaces… in your brain. Just move it back, you know. Maybe three. Maybe, like, I don’t know… It just, like… “Hey, how’s it going? Are you okay? Vagina.” You know, like, maybe… Maybe three is good. I don’t know, I’m just trying to help out. Three to five, I think. Fill that other– Fill the gap with niceness and, you know, empathy. It’s hard for men to empathize for women ’cause we’re not women, and we have to, you know, listen, and just– you can do it. You can do it. But don’t be overly crazy. You know, like, I’ve actually found myself occasionally asking for consent to my masturbation fantasies, which I think is too much. Where I’m literally like, “Are you sure you want to fuck?” And she’s like, “Yeah, you’re making this up. Yeah, I want– I want to fuck.” “I’m just checking, you want to fuck?” “Yeah, I want to fuck you bad.” “Okay. I’m just checking, you know, that we’re on the same page. Weird time now, you know, and I did just see you at Whole Foods for, like, 30 seconds, so I don’t think it’s… an inappropriate question.” “Yeah, just fuck me already.” So we’re fucking and it’s going great. I’m making it up. It’s awesome. It’s fucking amazing. Totally connected, symbiotic, fucking in it, just beautiful. And in the middle of it, she just, you know, pushes me off her and says, “Get off of me, you’re freaking me out.” I’m like, “What’s happening?” She’s like, “I don’t feel safe. You’re creepy now.” “Holy shit! What is happening?” And then she’s getting dressed fast, and she’s about to tweet something. I’m like, “What the fuck is happening?” Not an unreasonable question. But the deeper question is, why am I still jerking off to that? You know, like, I had… [audience cheering] I had complete control over that fantasy, and it got away from me because of my own fear, and I finished by myself jerking off to me jerking off crying… that my career would be ruined. So, I’m just saying, you know, don’t get– Don’t, you know, go crazy. You know, just be nice. You know? That’s the message. Look, you guys, I… I’ll share some other tips with you. Um… Like, you know, I was talking about being terrified all the time, and I think a lot of us are and I don’t know, getting through it is tricky, like I said before, but I also apply, uh, some intentional OCD. Like, in lieu of spirituality, I think OCD functions pretty well. Like, if… Like, if you have a few things you do compulsively over and over again. Yeah, that’ll get you through the day. That’ll fill the God hole. It’s okay. It gets a little dicey that half-hour before you fall asleep, but, you know, just… You know what to do. Right? You know… Whatever. Either way. Either way. However you do it, you know. I don’t want to be gender-specific. [murmurs coyly] You know? That’s how you fill that last half-hour. [imitates vibrator buzzing] Whatever you gotta do. It’s a gift. It’s a gift. But, yeah– But I’ll do compulsive shit. If a news day is really bad and I’m freaking out, I will do chores that are unnecessary. Like, a couple months ago, I went through my box of wires. I went through my entire box of wires. Everybody who’s been buying equipment for the last 20 years, you got a pretty good bag or box of cables, chargers and whatnot going, right? Like, I went through– because every piece of equipment you buy comes with that one wire where you’re like, “What the fuck does this one even do? Does this even go to this machine? I don’t know. It’s all wrapped and it’s got a twisty on it. Better save it. Maybe I’ll know what it does later. I might need it.” Right? I went through that entire box. It took me, like, an hour and a half, did not think about the end of the world during that time. And, honestly, I did not throw one of those things away. I didn’t throw… I had the exact same experience with every one of those wires I had when I got it in the first place. “Oh, yeah, this one. Still don’t know what it does, but it’s still wrapped, it’s got a twisty on it. Maybe the mystery is yet to be revealed. I’m gonna save that one.” And now I’m pretty happy that I did because I don’t know what’s gonna happen on the last day of the planet Earth when the sky is on fire. Maybe some guy will come running up my driveway in a frenzy holding a piece of equipment saying, “Hey, man! If I had a charger for this, I could save both of us right now! Right now!” And I could be like, “Holy shit. Might be our lucky day. Let’s go look in the box, bro. And who would have thunk a Palm Pilot would be our ticket out of this mess? -‘Cause…” -[audience applauds] “…not only do I have a charger, I think I’ve got an extra stylus. Would the– Would the stylus help us in our journey?” For you younger people, a Palm Pilot was… one of the first pieces of handheld technology with a screen on it. An interactive screen it had. Like, pretend like I’m showing you. And there was no wi-fi or cell phone, and you could write on the screen with a stylus, like a little pen, and I believe, if I’m not remembering incorrectly, that you had to write in Palm Pilot shorthand, which was enough for me to stop using it after three days. “Oh, I gotta learn a thing? Not for me.” So… [chuckles] But nonetheless, it was one of the first pieces of handheld technology. Sort of a futile thing. It had this weird feature where it could communicate with other Palm Pilots, but we never knew why and you always felt kind of stupid doing it, but you would have to do it if you knew somebody with a Palm Pilot: “Do you want to do the thing?” “Is it doing it?” “Yep, they’re talking to each other.” “About what?” “I don’t know. Machine stuff.” “No, they’re not. It’s just a feature no one uses.” “Why you gotta ruin everything?” “Look, they’re done.” “Yay.” So… [chuckles] But the Palm Pilots went away. They became extinct. And it was just part of the evolution to the… technological clusterfuck that we find ourselves in the center of now. Just happily codependent to a bunch of smarter machines. Just gleefully enabling the singularity. Just looking forward to a day where we’ll just be the fleshy appendage of a series of smarter equipment than us. Ah, how convenient that’ll be. Too dark? I can go another way. I think most of us, if we lost our cell phone, you’re like two hours away from wandering the streets saying, “What’s my name?! Where do I live?! I have a family, but I don’t know how to get in touch with them or where they are anymore.” “Are you okay, old man? Do you need to go to the hospital?” “No, son, I’ve lost my phone.” “Would you like me to call it for you, old man?” “Yes, please. Thank you, son.” “What’s the number, old man?” “I don’t know! I don’t call myself! It’s in the phone! Oh, no. Yeah, take me to the hospital.” There was a time, folks, before cell phones and the internet. Yeah, some of you remember. I saw– I saw the audience. Back then, people had to do things like… wait. Yeah, you had to wait for stuff. And if you were actually waiting, like, in line or something, that was all you could do. [sighs wearily] [exhales] Do you feel all that space I created? That used to be around us all the time. There was all this space that was… all mental space. I mean, you had to wait to check for your messages at the end of an entire day. Like, if you couldn’t get calls at work, there was no way anyone could get in touch with you, and at the end of the day, sometimes 6:00 or 7:00 at night, you would go home, look at a machine on your kitchen counter to see if a light was blinking, and if it was, you’d actually feel a tangible jolt of excitement. “Oh, it’s a message! Someone called.” Then you’d push a button and, like, eight out of ten times, it would be… [imitates repeating dial tone] Some of you don’t even know what that sound is. Does that sound even exist in nature anymore? That was the sound on your machine if someone had hung up. Right? And if it went on long enough, you’d hear a voice go, “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try…” What happened to that guy? I don’t know. Can’t be a good story. And then, if you got some of those, you’d spend ten minutes just wondering like, “Who called me and hung up?” That was the kind of mental time we had back then. Like, what were we doing with all that mental space? Using our imagination, just letting our memories do what they do in their own time and pace. Like, back then, if you couldn’t remember something, that was sort of the end of it. Unless, like, you couldn’t remember something and you locked on. That was problematic ’cause what could you do then? Yeah. Not easy. Like, let’s say you’re just… driving to work. This is back in the day. Let’s go there now. [chuckles] Just driving to work, maybe listening to a cassette in your in-dash player. Through some, uh, Jensen coaxials or triaxial speakers. If you had a lot to prove, you had a power amp bolted onto the floor. Maybe you’re listening to a little Lynyrd Skynyrd Second Helping. Not a bad band, stop judging that band, solid rock band, lot of good records, amazing double live album. You’re misunderstanding that one song. Re– Listen to it again. Listen to it again. Maybe you’re listening to a little Skynyrd Second Helping, you know exactly where the tape is fucked up from that day it got stuck in the machine. That was a tough few minutes. Oh, shit, come on, man! Come on! Oh, yeah! Get it out, get the pen out, roll that cassette back up, pop it back in the deck. Now, you know. ♪ Call me the breeze– ♪ [imitates skipping tape] ♪ Baby ♪ Oh, that was that day. That was a terrible morning. So, you’re just driving to work, enjoying the music, no cell phone to distract you, no internet, maybe you’re just eating– eating some trail mix on your way to work. I actually am old enough to remember when it became okay to eat trail mix in a non-camping situation. Like, there was definitely… a period of my childhood where you only saw trail mix in the camping section at the– at the sporting goods store, and then I remember vaguely seeing a guy just eating trail mix in life… and I’m like, “Dude, can you do that?” He’s like, “What?” “To eat– Just eat trail mix… outside of a camping situation?” “Yeah, it’s just, you know, nuts and dried fruit, sometimes chocolate.” “But you’re not camping.” “Doesn’t matter. It’s just nuts and fruit, sometimes chocolate.” “So you can just eat it anytime?” “Yeah, you can eat it anytime.” Like, I kind of remember when they freed the trail mix. I don’t know… if there was a corporate push behind it or not, but I remember like, “Hey, we can just eat this anytime. It’s just, you know, nuts and dried fruit, sometimes chocolate.” So, anyways, you’re driving to work… back in the day. Maybe you’re chewing on a peanut, and all of a sudden, your brain just goes, “Aw, fuck! Who is peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school. Peanut guy, peanut butter, peanut oil… Fucking peanut guy! He’s got, like, three names… He’s an inventor, a scientist… God damn it! Why can’t I remember peanut guy?” And that was sort of your day. Like, you did other things, like, you go to work, but every couple hours you’re like, “Fucking peanut guy!” And there was nothing you could do. I mean, you could ask a coworker. “Dude! Dude! Do you remember peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school? Peanut butter, peanut oil, inventor, scientist, three names… I can’t fucking remember it!” “You gotta calm down. Why are you yelling?” “Do you know or not?” “I don’t have to talk to you if you’re gonna talk to me like that.” “Why don’t you go fuck yourself! Just say you don’t know and fucking piss off.” Then you go to lunch from work. Take a lunch break. Go eat a sandwich. It’s all you could do, eat the sandwich. Watch other people eating sandwiches. Just reflect on the sad tedium of self-awareness. Go back to work. “Fucking peanut guy!” Maybe call a friend from work, you’re not even supposed to use the phone, “Dude, are you there? Pick up, it’s me. Are you there? Pick up. Fuck! Where the fuck are you, man? It’s me. Do– Do you remember peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school, peanut guy, peanut butter, peanut oil, three names, a scientist, an inventor or some shit? Fuck! I can’t fucking remember peanut guy. I’m not even supposed to be using the phone, where the fuck are you? Who the fuck was peanut guy? It’s Marc. I’m okay. Um… Call me back when you get– Call me back later. I gotta go.” Then you leave work, drive home, listen to the cassette. ♪ Sweet home– ♪ [imitates skipping tape] ♪ Alabama ♪ Happened twice. Probably should get a new tape, new deck, something. You get home. Oh, there’s messages. The machine’s beeping. I hope it’s not a hang-up. Beep! “George Washington Carver, man. It’s George Washington Carver. Dude, are you okay? I got your message and you sounded so freaked out. You sounded crazy. And I didn’t have anything to do today, so I’m at the library right now. If you need me to look up some other stuff, I mean, you just sounded really crazy, man. Are you there? Are you okay? All right, call me back. George Washington Carver. Very interesting, I’m still reading about him. I know a lot of shit now. Hope you’re okay, buddy. Buh-bye.” And that’s sort of how you did a search back then. It was, uh… a longer process. [audience applauding] So, um, all right. I’ve got this big idea as a Jew, as a heathen Jew. As a godless Jew, I feel like I want to try to… honor my legacy and sort of create a story, like, I think that most grown-ups know that the story of Jesus is a story. It’s a biblical story, it’s not journalism. Um… And I just thought maybe it’d be nice if I could try to construct some prophecy ’cause it’s sort of my birthright as a Jewish writer of sorts. I’ll get to it, but before I do it, I just want to say, again, I don’t want to judge anyone’s beliefs, I don’t want to mock the myths that define anybody. But… [audience laughs nervously] But there is a strain of Christianity that makes me uncomfortable. Scares me, I think is the word. Uh, and– and those are evangelicals. They scare me. And I’m not punching down. I think there’s, like, 90 million evangelicals, and about 8 million Jews, and I hate to give those numbers out ’cause, yeah, it’s possible. -So… -[audience laughs] [chuckles] Nice uncomfortable laugh. That was very well handled. But evangelicals, and I’ll tell you if you’re in here, I’ll speak directly to you, ’cause this is a safe space. I’m scared. I’m a little scared. Yeah. Because I didn’t realize this until recently, and it’s logical, but I didn’t put it together in my own mind in quite the way I have now, which is that in order for Jesus to come back, the world has to end. It has to. So that means there is about 90 to 100 million people that are pretty excited about it. And that’s kind of problematic to those of us who don’t fucking believe that shit. Right? And a lot of those people are in legislative positions. And I’m sitting there thinking, like, “Wait, what’s happening?” Is there any way they’re– they’re crafting policy to accelerate the prophecy? [scattered nervous laughter] Yeah, think about that for a second. Not exactly humorous, but powerful. If you walked up to your state senator or maybe a congressman that was an evangelical, and they were honest, and you said, “I’m a little concerned about global warming. It seems like humans are causing it. We need to do something about it. It’s happening quickly.” They would say, “Not quick enough, to be honest with you. We’re trying to get the flying Jew back. We got coal going, you know, it’s happening. We’re deregulating as fast as we can. We’re gonna make this shit happen.” Problematic, correct? There’s a dovetailing of late-stage capitalism and Christian end times prophecy that’s a little fucked up, and I’m sorry, I don’t mean to put this on you, but I’m assuming that the horrendous greed monsters that don’t give a fuck about anything are just hedging their bets. They don’t believe the prophecy. In the back of their head they’re thinking, “Hey, if it turns out to be true, we still got the meek, right? They can build the domes. There’s a lot of jobs in a burning sky.” All right. Let’s go. I’ll take another angle. What’s wrong with Mike Pence’s face? Have you looked at Vice President Mike Pence? He’s got a sort of a knot of a face, a tight little face with dead eyes floating in a big head. What’s going on with that face? I don’t know exactly, but I’m pretty sure it’s shame-based. I don’t know exactly what it is, but when I look at Mike Pence doing anything, all I see is a man standing there thinking, “Don’t think about cock. Don’t think about dicks. I don’t want a dick. I don’t want to suck a dick. I don’t want a dick in me. No dicks for Mikey. Jesus. I want Jesus. [audience applauding] Jesus died on a cock for me, and that’s who I… Oh, sorry, I did it again, Jesus. I’m sorry. Jesus is in my heart, not cock.” That’s what I think’s going on with Mike Pence’s face. I think it’s trying to retreat back into his head away from all the dicks he sees coming at him. He’s got a fairly rare condition called inverted gay face, and I believe… I really believe that if Mike Pence sucked one dick, his face would pop out, and we could all be less nervous if Trump doesn’t make it through his first term ’cause Pence is a scary Christian fascist person, and he’s probably worse. Now, I know I’ve gotten some pushback from the LGBTQ community about characterizing a homophobic, gay-hating man as being secretly gay as being wrong because it diminishes the fact that they’re dangerous human beings and they’re– they’re horrible. And I take that to heart and I hear you, but I think I’m right about Pence. Now… Let’s switch back to the story, the prophetic story, which is my hope. And you know where I’m coming from. And this is gonna hurt some people, but you can take it. It’s gonna land kinda bad. Like, it’s– it’s funny, but it’s gonna hurt going in. My hope on the last day of the planet Earth on judgment day when the sky is on fire, and… you know, everyone can’t breathe at the same time. We’re all looking at each other with the same dumb face… [hyperventilating loudly] And no one can help the other person and, you know, water is rising out of nowhere, and there’s just no filter between the sun and our skin anymore, and our flesh is just starting to burn… This is a bad day, folks. Ugly. But it’s coming. And my hope on that day, in my heart, is that Jesus doesn’t come back. Okay, look, I know it’s a small victory for us non-believers, but I think– I think it’ll be worth it… [audience applauding] I think it’ll be worth it to be standing in that water and be able to high-five the guy next to you. “I knew it, man! I knew he wasn’t coming! You owe me 20 bucks, fucker. My face is burning!” My other hope on that day is that… somewhere… Vice President Mike Pence stands… outside, I’m hoping, and among people would be best… he’s in the water trying to breathe, hurting like the rest of us and he realizes what’s happening, and… out loud to no one in particular he just says, “Oh, I should have sucked a cock.” And then he realizes, “Hey, the water’s only so deep, I can still kinda suck some cocks!” And the vice president of the United States starts scrambling through the water trying to suck the dicks of dying guys. I mean, are they gonna argue with him? The vice president wants to blow ’em on the last day of the planet Earth? They’re like, “Hell yeah!” So he’s fucking jerking guys off, he’s sucking dicks, he’s having the best time of his life. He didn’t know it would ever happen for him and it’s happening, and it’s happening hard! Yeah! The VP’s got a dick in each hand, he’s got one in his mouth… and then Jesus comes back. [audience applauding] “I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m sorry, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. I know this looks bad– [retches] I’m sorry… One sec…” [retches] [retches] [retching] “I got it! I– Oh, I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m sorry, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. Please forgive me.” And Jesus is just hovering over Pence. He’s being held by Iron Man. They’re both back, man. They’re both back, baby! And Jesus looks down at Pence and he says, “I can’t do it, Mike. Can’t forgive you. I can’t. You couldn’t wait five minutes? Five minutes. I can’t forgive you.” Pence is like, “Okay, Jesus, but please can I just… Please forgive– I just wanna get into heaven, I mean… That guy gets to go? Come–” That’s how I picture the rapture happening, is people just shoot up into the air like bottle rockets, like– [makes whooshing sound] And they’re not even sure it’s gonna to be them. They’re like, “Is it–” [makes whooshing sound] “Oh!” “Just let me into heaven, Jesus.” And Jesus is like, “Mike, I can’t– Could you– Ease up. Mike, I– Look, I’m sorry, I just– I can’t– I can’t do it. I can’t let you into heaven.” Mike’s like, “Oh, God. Jesus. [sighs] Is there anything I can do… to get into heaven, Jesus?” And Jesus… pulls up his robe… I know it’s difficult. I know, I know, I understand that. Even if you’re not a believer anymore, once it’s in there, you– you… It’s hard to see that. I’m– And I’m sorry for that. But this is what’s happening. This is a biblical story. Not any different than a Bible story. It could be a Bible story. Right? I mean, like, if this was a Renaissance painting, it would be The Test of Pence. So what happens? Iron Man’s kinda shocked. He’s just trying to help out. Well, I think you know what happens, I mean… [stammers] Mike Pence fills his mouth with Jesus cock. I mean, there’s no way he’s not gonna do that. [loud choking sound] And… And he can’t believe how amazing this day is. Like, judgment day worked out far better than anything he even assumed… could possibly happen. So he’s just blowing Jesus. [moaning] And then, something weird happens. Like, Iron Man’s sort of like, “I… You know, I’m not even sure I’m supposed to be here anymore.” And then something weird happens. The Jesus dick keeps getting bigger and bigger, like, to the point where it locks up Mike’s jaws. He’s– [wails in pain] And it’s starting to hurt him and it just blows through the back of his head and it kills him. And Iron Man’s like, “What the fuck is happening?” So he just launches into the air, and all of a sudden Jesus’s dick is huge, it’s shooting fire, and he’s swinging Pence around until his body falls off. So now he’s just got this Pence-head cock ring, you know, and he’s just spraying fire everywhere and Iron Man’s like, “Holy– What– Jesus, what is going on?” And then the robe comes off and it’s Satan! Of course it’s Satan! You guys are students of the Bible. Do you think I’m the kind of man that would just have Jesus’s dick hanging out like that? You think I would do that to you? It was Satan all along. [audience applauding] So then Iron Man realizes what’s going on, and Satan’s, you know, just– [demonic snarling] Spraying fire everywhere. So, Iron Man calls the other Avengers, they all come down, they– they kick Satan’s ass, and he goes back to hell, and then the Pence-head cock ring just falls to the Earth, and it becomes a crown of an evil guy in another story. Look, I’m not a comic book guy, I’m winging this. So… [chuckles] So, all the Avengers are there, and then the real Jesus comes down, and he just kinda comes down like Jesus is supposed to come down… and all the Avengers are like, [whispers] “Oh, yeah… It’s the real Jesus.” And Jesus says, [stammers] “Thanks for helping out. Good job… with all your superhero stuff. That was great. I appreciate it.” And Iron Man says, “We’re– We’re happy to help, Jesus.” And then it’s just awkward there for a minute. And Jesus is sort of, like… kicking around in the clouds. No, maybe they’re on the ground and he’s kicking around the dirt. [chuckles] And the Avengers are standing there and Iron Man’s looking at him. He’s like– [sighs] [stammers] “Do you want to be an Avenger? Is that what’s happening right now?” And Jesus says… “Yeah, I… I do. I think it would be good for me right now, for my brand.” And Iron Man says… “Um… Yeah, okay. All right. Can– Can you do stuff?” And Jesus says… “Fuck yeah, I can. I’m Jesus.” And then the credits roll. So… And then… [audience applauding] And then the meek leave the theaters… not completely happy, most of ’em, just sort of like, “That was bullshit, man! Endgame was so much better. I can’t believe that Iron Man came back. I mean, not yet! Not yet! And Jesus is in it now?” “Dude, I thought that was pretty cool.” “It’s not cool, man! Jesus is not a good superhero. It just isn’t. Do you guys all think that? Well, you’re all fucked up, ’cause love is not a good superpower. It’s not. It was bullshit. I mean, how– You can’t use love as a weapon.” And then, like, the oldest nerd says, “Yeah, you can.” But then he stops and says, “But it’s kinda my fault.” Thanks a lot, you guys. [audience cheering] What a great crowd. I appreciate it. Thank you for coming out. Good night. [cheering continues] [rock music playing] [inaudible] [inaudible] [Marc] Boomer lives! [cat meows] | [audience cheering] [cheering continues] Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming out. Nice to see you. [audience quietens] Okay. All right. [sighs] I’m happy you came, I really am. I don’t know how to– I don’t know how to accept the love. I don’t know how to accept it, but I’m gonna try. So, I got this weird thing in my head. I’m sort of a mid-level celebrity. That’s how I see myself, mid-level. Not complaining, but I know where I’m at. I could be walking down the street and three dudes could be walking towards me, and one of them will be like, “Holy fuck, Marc Maron!” And the other two are like, “No, I don’t know that guy.” Now, look, I’m happy the one guy likes me, but what I’ve learned over time is that I don’t really have to stand there while he tries to explain who I am… to his friends. That’s not a great few minutes for me. Not great… when I’m standing there and he’s saying, “You don’t know anything this guy’s done? How is that even fucking possible? I mean… he’s been doing it, like, 35 years. Right, Maron?” “Yeah, yeah, about 35… It’s been 35.” “You know, like, you never listened to his CDs, or the podcast, or his own show, or Glow, or the specials, or nothing?” And the guys are like, “No, we don’t fucking know this guy!” And that’s when I’m like, “I’m gonna go, I think. I think I’m gonna… walk away from this, ’cause I didn’t, uh, work 35 years for this feeling. Not great. And your friends are kind of assholes, am I right?” The guy’s like, “Yeah, they are, but they’re my bros. But look, man. I don’t have to hang out with them, I can hang out with you, Marc Maron.” That’s when I’m like, “I don’t fucking know you, or the people you’re with.” But you know, we hung out, the three of us… spent a little time together. I showed his friends some stuff on my phone of me doing stuff and I think they’re on board. I think I– I pulled ’em in. I got a couple of newbies. Did a little mission– What do you call… Missionary work is what I did. I just don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t– Here’s– It’s my job to– to think of funny things, to sit around and think of funny things, and a few weeks ago, I was sitting on my couch and I realized, like, “I just don’t know.” And then it went from there to, like, “What do I know, actually? What do I…” And then it went from there to like, “Do I really know anything? Like, how much do I really know?” And you gotta be careful with this type of rabbit hole within your own brain, because it can go quickly to, like, “Do I even exist?” Which is sort of sophomoric. But usually at that moment, I always look at my cat Monkey and I go, “Well, Monkey’s there, and he’s looking at me, so I’m here.” So, Monkey’s always the philosophy killer. I can always rely on him for that. # But if you really think about what you really actually know, it’s only a few things, like seven things, maybe everybody knows. The rest are just patterns you call a life. And… If you actually made a column of things you’re pretty sure you know for sure, and then made another column of how you know those things, most of that column is like, “Some guy told me.” You know, it’s not sourced material, it’s just– it’s clickbait and hearsay, that’s all. Goes into the head, locks onto a feeling, you’re like, “That sounds good. I’m gonna tell other people that.” And that’s how brand marketing works, and also fascism, we’re finding. So… What is the point? The point is… Like somebody, like, I don’t know… Look, I take vitamins. All right? I take ’em. I take ’em every day. I take vitamin B, vitamin C, vitamin D, and every day they’re in my hand, I look at them and in my heart, I think, “These don’t fucking do anything.” There’s no way they do anything. I know they don’t do anything. But other part of me believes that they do. You can actually believe something that you know is bullshit. It’s a problem. So now, man, I take ’em every day, because, you know, I’m afraid to die and I think it’s gonna give me a leg-up. That’s why everybody takes ’em, right? It’s gotten to the point where if I don’t take them, I’ve actually driven back to my house to take vitamins I know don’t fucking do anything, because I believe that might be the day I get whatever it’s gonna be that I get. Do you understand? All right. I think the deeper point here is you never know when someone’s gonna dump some shit into your head that’s gonna ruin your life, or at least change it, for months, or just cause you trouble. And it could be just in passing, somebody just drops shit into your head, and you have to deal with it. Like, you could just be having a day, and somebody maybe you know or don’t know that well goes, “Are you taking turmeric?” “What?” “Turmeric, are you taking it?” “Turmeric?” “Yeah, you gotta take that shit.” “Turmeric?” “Yup.” “The spice?” “Yeah, you gotta take it.” “Turmeric, the spice.” “Yeah, man, you gotta take that.” “The– The spice that you buy once to make an Indian recipe… and you never use it again, and it stains your wooden spoon, that turmeric?” “Yeah, you got to take that shit.” “I do?” “Yep.” “For what?” “Inflammation.” “Of what?” “Just general. General… General inflammation.” “What is– What is that?” “It’s the new bad thing that causes all the other bad things.” “What happened to cholesterol?” “No, turns out that’s good for you.” “What? When did that happen? Turmeric, huh? Who told you about this?” “My trainer.” “All right, so the guy who wanted to do something else with his life… saw something online, told you, and now you’re dumping it into my head, now I gotta worry about whether I’m gonna take turmeric or not?” And I apologize, I know it’s a little condescending to trainers and some people get a little weird about that. I don’t know why. Is that a surprise? Most trainers, wasn’t their life goal, all right? They– They had other plans… the team didn’t work out, they didn’t make the team. They were at the gym a lot anyways. Whatever. Just wasn’t the big plan for them, all right? They– They ended up there. And they can take this criticism. Just– I’m just calling a fact a fact. I’m not gonna make fun of yoga instructors ’cause that’s different. That’s sort of the last stop for them. You know, like… You wanna be nice to them, you don’t know how they got there, it’s probably a harrowing tale, but, you know, you’re kind of grateful they made it to wherever they are, and you know that you being in their class is as important to them as they are to you. Like, if it doesn’t work out for the trainer, he’s gonna figure out something else to do. The yoga instructor, we really don’t know where that goes. You know, back to the turmeric guy, as he’s walking away, he’s like, “Oh, yeah, if you’re gonna get the turmeric, make sure you get it with black pepper in it or it won’t activate.” Now, right there, doesn’t that make you go, “That sounds like bullshit to me a little bit”? Am I that big of a sucker that you think I would believe that? Where’s the science on that? That sounds like a couple of vitamin hustlers sitting over a mound of wholesale turmeric with a bunch of empty gel caps, one guy going, “I don’t know, man. I don’t think we can move this just like this. It’s just a spice. I think we gotta… We gotta add something.” “Yeah, like what, boss?” I don’t know why it’s a ’30s movie. “I don’t know, maybe another spice?” “Yeah, like what? Maybe pepper?” “Yeah, keep talkin’.” “Maybe– Maybe we say it activates it?” “Holy shit! That’s a fucking million-dollar idea right there. Let’s load up these gel caps. Maybe Rogan will move ’em on his podcast. I mean, I know Maron won’t do it, he’s more of a Stamps.com, Squarespace guy… but Rogan’s sort of an old school supplement slinger.” And I know I’m gonna get a little flak for that comment. I know there might be a minor pile-on on Twitter of the monoculture of free thinkers, but I can take it. So I guess, after all is said and done, I should just say that, like, I’m taking turmeric and, um… I feel less inflamed, you know? In a… in a general way. Generally less inflamed. I’m gonna believe that. I believe that. It’s funny what we believe in. You know, it’s kind of ridiculous sort of all kind of magical thinking, ’cause we’re all frightened. But there’s one thing that is kind of baffling to me. You know, we all take vitamins, yet there’s a vocal but small minority of people in this country that refuse to vaccinate their children. They refuse to vaccinate their children because the jury’s still out, I think, on the vaccines. Is it, though? Jury’s out on vaccines? How many friends do you have with polio? A lot of polio people… in the family in iron lungs? Got a lot of people you know in iron lungs? Did you ever get over that whooping cough you had? How’s that kid with mumps of yours? Is that kid all right, you fucking moron? And they’re always like, “The measles isn’t a big deal.” Yes, it is! They were– It was gone! There were no measles! They’re like, “Everyone knows you can knock out the measles with a high dose of vitamin A.” What? No. I mean, if you add a little bit of black pepper, I think maybe… you got a shot at knocking out the measles. I don’t know what’s happening, people. I don’t know. But it’s pretty clear the world is ending. I don’t want to shock anybody. Seems to be happening, though. I thought we’d get out. I thought we’d make it under the wire. I thought I would, you know. I’m 56, but I don’t know, I think we might see it. I think we might see it. Certainly it’s been ending environmentally for a long time. We’ve all kind of known it, we knew it, but I think on a deeper level, the reason we’re not more upset about the world ending environmentally is I think all of us, in our hearts… really know that we did everything we could. You know, we really… Right? I mean, we really did. I mean, think about it, we– you know, we… [inhales sharply] We brought our own bags… to the supermarket. Yeah, that’s about it. -Like, we brought– We brought the bags. -[audience cheers] Right when they told us, we brought ’em, and it just wasn’t enough, it turns out. Just not enough… to, you know, get us over the top with this. But I don’t know, maybe this straw thing, the no straw thing… will, you know, maybe that’ll do it. Maybe that’ll keep the polar bears from drowning. Sometimes the answer is right between your mouth and your soda, you know? And you just take that out of the equation, and… the human species survives. You know what I mean? It’s gonna be a tough transition for a lot of people. You know to, like, “Oh, fuck, I guess we gotta drink like grown-ups now. It’s bullshit, man, no straws. Fuck this. Goddamn liberals fuck everything up.” And that is the tone and depth of many of their arguments. Look, I have to be honest with you, Trump is probably the most horrible human that ever lived in any capacity doing anything. [audience cheering] And I… Not a political statement. That is, uh, observational. Completely observational. No matter what he would do. If he was doing another job, he would be the same asshole. Like, if he was working on a car lot and you went onto that lot to buy a new car and he came walking towards you, innately, you’d be like, “No, not that guy. Not… I don’t feel comfortable with that guy. There’s something off. Not right. It’s not right.” And I don’t know, man. It’s, like, a lot of people still ask that question, like, “How did this happen? Why… [chuckles] How did– How did he get elected?” Now, I don’t want to be condescending. I think most of you are like-minded people, I don’t think there’s a lot of Trump supporters in here. If there are, it’s not your night, but… But, uh… But I think there is a question among people that aren’t Trump people that’s sort of like, “How did this happen?” Well, I had to ask myself that and I’ll ask you. So, during the Obama years, were you pretty politically active? Yeah, exactly. So, like… If you ask most people, “What did you do during the Obama years?” It’d be something like, “Well, I worked on me. I did a lot of work on my– on myself. You know, I was very mindful. There was a lot of hope then. Did a lot of yoga. A lot of yoga. Got my core tight. And I think that was good. I think that’s good.” They were chipping away at state and local governments for 30 years, but your Downward Dog is solid? That’s great. That’s terrific. Good for you. So I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I don’t even know if he’s gonna leave if he gets voted out. What if he doesn’t fucking leave? I know most of you have thought that because now it could happen because we don’t know how government really works anymore. We used to think there was rules and stuff, but clearly none that weren’t bendable or completely eradicate-able. Is that a word? There doesn’t seem to be any rules. There’s all these norms which are basically just, “You’re gonna do the right thing, right?” “Yeah, no problem, don’t worry.” What is that? How do you enforce that? What if he doesn’t fucking leave? Oh, my God. But worse yet, what if he gets elected again? Oh, man. I hope the voting works in our favor. But I was onstage and I asked that question. I said, “What if he doesn’t leave?” And a woman somewhere in the goes, uh, “There’d be anarchy in the streets!” I was thinking like, “In this country? I don’t think so.” I think what would happen is three days into him not leaving, people would be like, “Is he still there? This is so weird. It’s so weird.” “I know, it’s fucked up and weird.” “Totally fucked up and weird.” “Is he just gonna stay there?” “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s gonna happen.” “Well, what do we do?” “I don’t know.” “Do we even go to yoga anymore?” “Oh, we have to go to yoga. Like, now more than ever we have to go… because that energy is important out in the world. And the instructor Chelsea will be sad if we don’t go and I’m worried about her.” [scattered applause] Oh, thank you. [applause and cheers] Look, I don’t really know– I don’t know how it all– [chuckles] I don’t know– Obviously none of us do, and you’re just trying to, you know, get through it. I hate when people go, “Don’t normalize this presidency.” I don’t think anybody is really normalizing it, but we’re just trying to deal. I mean, what’s the alternative? To walk around going, “Oh, my God! What the fuck is happening?! Every day, I’m terrified! This is fucking crazy!” I mean, you can’t do that. Many people have jobs, they have things to do, they have to function in the world. You don’t want to be the crying guy at work. “What’s the matter with him?” “It’s that Trump thing.” It hasn’t stopped for almost two years now.” [sobbing] “I don’t know!” [chuckles] How do you get through it, you know? You gotta have some hope, I guess. I don’t know… Uh, you know, spiritual? You spiritual? You practical? What do you do? I don’t know who I’m asking, I don’t know who I’m expecting to answer. I myself… Look, I’m a Jew, for… You know, whatever that means. I mean, there’s a broad spectrum of that and generally… You know, I don’t know if I was ever taught to use God. How to use God… You know, we were told he was there, but most of what you learn as a middle-class American Jew is that you’re better than other people and… you should say you’re a Jew out loud occasionally, sometimes out of context. Like, those– those are the basic rules. And we are better than other people. I’m sorry, I know that’s… why we’re so contemptible to some of you, but yeah, that’s true. And you just kind of say you’re a Jew, like, maybe at dinner someone says something and you say, like, “Well, I’m a Jew.” And it doesn’t make sense to anybody, really. The one other Jew there kinda knows that you’re taking the hit, like, “You’re the target now and, uh… but I’m glad you did your part today.” But I don’t know, you know, the Jesus thing, that’s different. You know, that’s kind of dug in. Right? If you got the Jesus put in you early on, it’s usually terrified into you by terrified parents and you’re taken some place once a week and he scares you, uh, at the very least. Uh… [chuckles] That– That’s the best thing that can happen, is… just the basic fear. The God fear is good. Leave it at that. And that kind of sticks in there. It sticks in a little deeper, you know, so I’m not judging, you know, your– your faith. Do whatever you gotta do to get by, right? Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh. The Marvel Universe, I think, works for some people. It’s a very popular belief system. They claim that it isn’t, but I think it kinda is, ’cause I’ve poked at the Marvel Universe fans, and they react like religious fanatics. They– And it’s dug in there pretty deep. They’ll… They will claim, the grown male nerd-children, will claim… that it’s just entertainment and why do I gotta be some sort of buzzkill? Why am I bullying them? Well, quite frankly, I think at this point, nerd culture, I’m punching up, all right? They’re no longer, you know, the huddled weirdos. They– They now sort of run the cultural apparatus. And I’m not– like, I’m not saying… Yeah, I am saying it’s a shitty thing, but what I’m saying… is I think it’s a belief system and I don’t think they’re willing to admit that. There’s a couple of bubbles, you know? You got the Fox News bubble, which is evil and malignant. You’ve got the broader Christianity bubble, which can go either way. And then you’ve got, you know, the Marvel Universe bubble, which is culturally malignant, but not as evil as Fox, but it’s troubling. It’s troubling for a couple reasons, one of them, culturally, is being, like, if you’re a grown-up, who doesn’t feel like they need or want to see those movies, you kind of feel bullied into going, and you have to literally resist. Like, I’m not going to go. Because you know people that are like, “Maybe it’ll be fun.” Don’t go, don’t do it. Don’t give in. You’re a grown-up and you don’t know what it’ll do to your brain. Brains are very soft, they’re a lot softer than we assume. There’s a lot of people that are, you know, allowing themselves to become stupid and they don’t even know it, and it’s sad when you’re their friend. So… But, like, for grown-up movies, the studios put so much money into those Marvel movies and it kinda pushes the grown-up movies into your home, which is fine, but sometimes you want to see a movie like a movie with an audience, not just with your cat, in my case. So… You know, sometimes because of Marvel movies, you have to drive 25, 30 miles to a smaller theater to see a good, adult independent film with other human beings, like-minded people, where you all get to leave at the end, confused by the ending. And you can overhear other people saying things like, “Did he die at the end, or he didn’t? Why is that not clear?” “I think the director wants us to be having this conversation.” “Well, I don’t like it. Why can’t we know whether he died or not? It seems important to the movie.” “Well, see, it clearly had an effect on you.” “Is this the effect you want, though?” But Marvel movies… See, the reason I think it’s a belief system is most– some of these guys are my age, the fans of Marvel movies, and they’ve been reading, like, Marvel comic books since they were, like, nine. Like, four to ten titles a month for, like, what? Forty years? I mean, come on, like, those of you who read the Bible when you were a kid, you got away from it, probably. You know, you lapsed a little bit. You don’t read the Bible now unless you find a lump in your armpit or something. You know, but it sort of got away from you. These guys still read four to ten titles a month and you’re gonna tell me that doesn’t run deeper than just entertainment? Come on, there is a lot of grown male nerd-children that, when their life gets scary and existential and fucked up, you know, they bow down and go, “Oh, Endgame will be out soon!” You know, they’re going, “When is the next one coming?” And I think they believe it deeper than you’re assuming they believe it. And I think it’s fine. You know, Jesus, Iron Man. Does it matter, really? These are… These are good stories. They’re good stories. Good and evil, redemption. And oddly, you know, both of them could come back, like… Iron Man died at the end of the last movie, but it’s possible that he could come back. I think a lot of grown male nerd-children are hanging onto hope and they kinda know, like, “He’ll be back.” And Jesus, of course, is prophesized, so… You know, we’re on the precipice of two resurrections, folks. I think it should be noticed or recognized that both the story of Jesus and the Marvel Universe created in Jewish writer rooms. Um… [cheering] A couple… couple thousand years apart, but, you know, it comes from that amazing, creative imagination that Jews have. Because of how great they are. The reason I’m doing this is I just want to know that there’s a few people in the room here, no matter how progressive you may think you are, that are going like, “We get it, you’re a Jew.” Like, I just want to know that I’m causing that to happen. Because I believe that most people are anti-Semitic… given the option. I’m not… I’m not saying they’re walking around saying, “Fuck the Jews, they’re terrible,” but it doesn’t take much baiting, you know, like, “Hey, you know, the Jewish guy stuff–” “You know, you’re right, fuck them.” Like, it’s just– It’s right there. And I think that I’m trying to find it in you so you see it in yourself. But I know you’re asking, “Why are Jews so amazing? Where does that creativity come from?” And I’ll do a quick impression of Jewish creativity for you right now. This is my impression of Jewish creativity. “Keep making shit up that they like so they don’t kill us!” That’s– It’s a deep place. It comes from a deep place. [audience cheering] Yeah. The more modern version of that in the comic book era was like, “I didn’t flee Poland for them to kill us! Keep making up superheroes!” Similar. Similar thing. Am I right? I don’t really know. I don’t know what… [chuckles] I don’t know… Here’s the weird thing about being a Jew. You know, I’m not religious, but I am prone to prophecy. Um, and I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. I’m not saying I’m a prophet, but if I’m terrified, I’ll go mystical, you know? I mean, I don’t mind. I’ll do it. And sometimes it doesn’t make sense. It makes sense to me, but, like, I’ll give you an example. [inhales sharply] Like, I was hiking and, um… This wasn’t too long ago, and I’m looking at the ground, I realized, “Wow, a lot more lizards now.” I don’t know what that means, but… like, I think it’s deep. I think that Trump has opened the lizard portal and I… think you should share that. Why can’t that be a little thing of information that you spread around a little bit? Just walk up to somebody, like, say, “Maron said the lizard portal’s open.” And people will be like, “What the fuck are you talking about?” And you’re like, “I don’t know, but it sounds scary. Sounds real. Sounds like it’s happening.” “The lizard portal?” “Yup, the lizard portal is open. Saw a coyote out during the day. That’s not right, they’re nighttime monsters. You gonna tell me the lizard portal isn’t open, it is, and day coyotes are among us, and you’re gonna say that’s not a fucking problem? That’s not a harbinger of what’s happening?” Our state is on fire right now. It’s on fire all the time. Every year, California is on fire to the point where it’s just the way it is. Two weeks ago, my friend Lynn said, “Aren’t the fires a little late this year?” How is that something you say… like it’s a season? It kinda is a season. Once a year, if you live in California, you’re like, “Ah, fuck, there are ants and shit’s burning. Must be summer.” So they are late this year. And it’s crazy, man. We just kinda live with it and they’re worse and worse, and, you know, like, you get those panicky calls from friends and relatives on the East Coast. Like, my mother will call from Florida. “Hi, are you okay?” “Yeah. What are you talking about?” “The fires.” “Oh, shit, yeah. They’re not by me. Um…” [audience cheering] “Did– Did they… Did they say where they are on the news where you are? Where? Oh, shit, that is kinda by me. Hold on a second, I’m gonna take a look out my front door here. Oh, shit, Ma. I gotta call you back, I… I can see the fires. They’re, like, right here. Yeah, I gotta call you back, I gotta get a selfie with these fires. Fire’s getting close. Hashtag ouchie. Hashtag end times. Hashtag Los Angeles 2019!” [audience cheering] It’s happening. I don’t know what it’s gonna take to get everybody, you know, to… Like, you would think at this point that we’d… Like, haven’t we been entertained enough? Weird thing for me to say, but Jesus. Like, isn’t there something that could bring everyone together and just realize, like, we’ve got to put a stop to, like, almost everything. Right? Oh, my God, what would it take? Something terrible. That’s what brings people together. Nothing good. Occasionally a concert outdoors. But that never really goes anywhere. [chuckles] It’s gotta be something bad and big. Get everyone to fucking snap out of this… Fuck, whatever it is, trance of like… It’s– Well, I think we do it adaptively. I think it’s sort of like, “I’m doing what I can in my life.” Well, that’s not enough. You know… [laughs] I don’t know what it’ll take. Does the sky have to catch on fire? Would that do it? If we all walked outside and went, “Oh, we fucked it. Fucking sky’s on fire. God damn it. I knew we were in trouble, but fuck, it made the jump from land to sky. This is bad.” One guy standing there, “It’s not on me, man, I brought my bags.” Some other dude in the back going, “Hannity says this is normal!” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “I watched Hannity today, he summed it up, man. He said the sky caught fire, I think, in India, 1902… Burned for three days and it rained for, like, a month. So, don’t believe the libtards’ spin on this.” “What are you talking about?” “Burning sky’s good for America.” “What does that even mean?” “A lot of jobs in a burning sky.” “That doesn’t even make sense, stupid.” “Jews set the sky on fire.” “Yeah, of course they did. I knew it would get to that.” Then some other doughy guy just standing there, maybe in his little… baseball hat going, “Come on, Iron Man. Come on, Iron Man. This is your time. I know you’re real.” My mother is, uh, still alive and… Oof. Sorry, wrong tone. Um… I’m blessed to have my mother still with me. Better? Uh… No, you know, she’s still around. That’s good. And it– I think she’s part of it, you know, the whole end thing. It’s weird, no matter how old they get– I’m 56. You know, my mom’s still around, got all her mental things. She’s all good upstairs, physically she’s doing great, but they can, you know, they can still fuck your day up… at any age. Surprise you. Like, I got a text about a month or so ago from my mother in the middle of a nice day, all caps, “I wish we could do your childhood over.” With a little baby bottle emoji. What does that even mean? What is that? Like, I didn’t even know what that– Like, what was the tone of that? Was it– I didn’t know if she was being contrite, you know, or nostalgic, like, was… was she taking responsibility for whatever caused me to do this for a fucking living? Or– Or– was she just sort of reflecting and like, “We were friends when you were four. I don’t know if you remember that.” Either way, I responded with, “I don’t think I could handle it!” With this emoji… But she’s part of the end, I think, she’s part of the unfolding. She’s part of the prophecy. Yeah, I’m pretty sure. I call her up and it’s– I’m like, “Hi, Mom.” She’s like, “Hi, Marc.” “How’s it going?” “Good. So glad you called. How are you?” “I’m good.” “What are you doing?” “You know, the stuff.” “That’s good.” “How about you, everything good?” “Yep.” “What have you been doing?” “We went to that restaurant that we took you to when you were here.” “The one you always go to?” “Yes. They give you too much food.” “Okay. What else is going on?” This happened, like, a couple months ago, my mother said this out of nowhere, she goes, “I have to go, Marc. I have to go feed my iguanas.” And I said, “What?” She goes, “My iguanas, I have to feed them. I love you, bye.” My mother doesn’t have iguanas. And I thought, this is her, this is it, she’s starting to go, right? But then I thought, wait, maybe it’s, like, senior sex code. You know what I mean? Maybe there was… a couple of octogenarian men sitting on her sofa in their boxers going, “When’s this gonna happen? Is it gonna happen?” You can laugh at that. She’s my mother. She can– You don’t have to respect her. She can take the hit. She likes to be talked about. She does. When she hears that joke, all she’ll say is, “Is that necessary?” But… [chuckles] Iguanas, man. I did a Google search on South Florida and iguanas. Yeah. Turns out there’s a massive iguana problem in South Florida. They’re all over the place. They’re out of control. They’re eating through power lines, they’re showing up in cars and homes. There’s literally iguanas fucking everywhere. So, yes, the lizard portal is open. All over the world. And on every one of those websites where I looked at the iguana issue, you know what it says? “Please do not feed… the iguanas.” But my mother has taken it upon herself… I assume she thinks she’s feeding the same few iguanas every day out behind her house, like they’re her friends. She’s just down there going, like, “Look, this is some food from the restaurant we took my son to when he was here. They give you so much food, I hope you enjoy it. Look at your tongue. Look at the tongue! Look at the tongue.” Now, if that isn’t written somewhere in the prophetic books… “When the aging Jewish witch… feeds the dinosaurs off her deck… the return of the Christ is upon us.” I believe it’s in Revelation and I just want to say, that’s my mommy and I’m proud of her. [audience cheering] Yes. I’m doing what I can, people. I’m a 56-year-old man. Just trying to stay woke, you know? Yup. I am of the generation that needed waking. For sure. I think I’m about 85% woke… and the other 15 I keep to myself. Which is actually being woke. It’s putting that voice in your head that goes, “Hey, you know, don’t say that. Maybe don’t say that.” “Good call. Thanks for getting my back.” It’s a close one. I mean, look, if you were to ask me if I was a feminist, I would say, “Of course,” but you know, I have my days. Um… I mean, I’m a guy, I’m a man. I’ve been a man all my life. Before that I was a boy, and… if you’re a man, look, let’s be honest, you probably heard yourself or some other dude that you know at some point in time say this… “Fuck ’em! Fuck ’em all! Fuck women.” Now, the question is, does that guy hate women? I don’t know. Let’s break it down. This is just my experience. Let’s break it down. “So fuck all of them?” “All right, you’re right. Just the last three I dated, right? Fucking bitches.” “So just three?” “You know what? Just Michelle, really. Fucking bitch. Broke my heart, took my shit. Fuck Michelle.” “So, just one woman.” “Yeah, and it was kinda my fault.” And… I think that’s a pretty good working definition of woke: “It was kind of my fault.” And where you go from there will determine how woke you stay. But that’s the beginning of it. It could go either way, it’s a rough crossroads. And I think one of the biggest problems men have is that they have a dick. All… Most men have dicks. If you’re a man, you don’t have a dick, I hope it was a choice and not an accident. Dicks are a problem, and I think this is sort of… the TED Talk portion of my show. I, uh– I think I’ll call it “The History of My Dick” and it’s meant to be helpful. Trying to help men be respectful, empathetic, and care in the proper way with boundaries about women. And, well, dicks are, you know… [stammers] It’s a problem, it’s an obstacle. Do you remember the first time you came? I’m putting this out there to the men. Uh… It’s a big day. It’s a life-changing day. A lot of times, it doesn’t even involve sexual thoughts, it just sort of happens for some reason, usually, like, when you’re eight or nine or ten. Like for me, it involved a bath faucet with running water, and I– I stuck my dick in it. And I was nine and I knew something was gonna happen. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it felt pretty big, and it could have been bad, it could have been good, but I stuck with it. Turned out to be fucking amazing. And, uh, a life-changer. Really a great day. And, honestly, I fucked that faucet for a year-and-a-half. Now… Just being… I’m trying to be honest and open. I’ll get to the point of this. Then at some point, someone tells you what that feeling is. Maybe you’re a kid who has an older brother or somebody finds a porno magazine or you find your parents’ copy of The Joy of Sex hidden in a mattress and you can look at fairly realistic renditions of hippies fucking, and what’s… [chuckles] And, like, once someone informs you that that feeling comes from putting your penis into a vagina, that just fucking changes your entire neural pathway issue. And it’s sort of… all you think about… is putting your penis in a vagina… from age 13 to, like, this morning. This is truth. It’s all you fucking think about ’cause it’s amazing. Like, you know, I… I was sort of surprised when I learned about it, you know, because there was part of me that was, like, when I was told about the vagina, I was like, “Really? That’s not water.” You know, like, so, like… And it– And it honestly seemed much more complicated, which I believe to this day is true. But once you know, man, it’s all… You just want to be in the vagina. And that’s the problem, you know, especially for my generation of men, I think, because I really think that a lot of us didn’t really realize in a deep way that women had hopes or dreams or… supportive friends, family, things they wanted to do. Those were really just hurdles, you know, to… try to put it in the vagina. Just wanted to put it in the vagina. So, like… So the way I’m gonna try to help is, like, I think a lot of men have the vagina too far up front in their head still and I think that that’s not really acceptable and I think it’s at the core of a lot of disrespect. I mean… You know, if you have vagina way up front, women know now, it’s not good. It’s not– It’s not a good look. It’s not a good way to be. Like, you don’t have to hug Vicki every day at work. She knows what’s up. It’s awkward. The weird rubbing the back thing in the break room, what is that? That’s not sociable. It’s fucking creepy, you know? I would just stop it. You gotta move vagina back. ‘Cause they– Women can see it now. Vagina is right there, it’s, you know… it’s disrespectful, it’s insensitive. Move it back a few. Maybe, you know, three to five spaces… in your brain. Just move it back, you know. Maybe three. Maybe, like, I don’t know… It just, like… “Hey, how’s it going? Are you okay? Vagina.” You know, like, maybe… Maybe three is good. I don’t know, I’m just trying to help out. Three to five, I think. Fill that other– Fill the gap with niceness and, you know, empathy. It’s hard for men to empathize for women ’cause we’re not women, and we have to, you know, listen, and just– you can do it. You can do it. But don’t be overly crazy. You know, like, I’ve actually found myself occasionally asking for consent to my masturbation fantasies, which I think is too much. Where I’m literally like, “Are you sure you want to fuck?” And she’s like, “Yeah, you’re making this up. Yeah, I want– I want to fuck.” “I’m just checking, you want to fuck?” “Yeah, I want to fuck you bad.” “Okay. I’m just checking, you know, that we’re on the same page. Weird time now, you know, and I did just see you at Whole Foods for, like, 30 seconds, so I don’t think it’s… an inappropriate question.” “Yeah, just fuck me already.” So we’re fucking and it’s going great. I’m making it up. It’s awesome. It’s fucking amazing. Totally connected, symbiotic, fucking in it, just beautiful. And in the middle of it, she just, you know, pushes me off her and says, “Get off of me, you’re freaking me out.” I’m like, “What’s happening?” She’s like, “I don’t feel safe. You’re creepy now.” “Holy shit! What is happening?” And then she’s getting dressed fast, and she’s about to tweet something. I’m like, “What the fuck is happening?” Not an unreasonable question. But the deeper question is, why am I still jerking off to that? You know, like, I had… [audience cheering] I had complete control over that fantasy, and it got away from me because of my own fear, and I finished by myself jerking off to me jerking off crying… that my career would be ruined. So, I’m just saying, you know, don’t get– Don’t, you know, go crazy. You know, just be nice. You know? That’s the message. Look, you guys, I… I’ll share some other tips with you. Um… Like, you know, I was talking about being terrified all the time, and I think a lot of us are and I don’t know, getting through it is tricky, like I said before, but I also apply, uh, some intentional OCD. Like, in lieu of spirituality, I think OCD functions pretty well. Like, if… Like, if you have a few things you do compulsively over and over again. Yeah, that’ll get you through the day. That’ll fill the God hole. It’s okay. It gets a little dicey that half-hour before you fall asleep, but, you know, just… You know what to do. Right? You know… Whatever. Either way. Either way. However you do it, you know. I don’t want to be gender-specific. [murmurs coyly] You know? That’s how you fill that last half-hour. [imitates vibrator buzzing] Whatever you gotta do. It’s a gift. It’s a gift. But, yeah– But I’ll do compulsive shit. If a news day is really bad and I’m freaking out, I will do chores that are unnecessary. Like, a couple months ago, I went through my box of wires. I went through my entire box of wires. Everybody who’s been buying equipment for the last 20 years, you got a pretty good bag or box of cables, chargers and whatnot going, right? Like, I went through– because every piece of equipment you buy comes with that one wire where you’re like, “What the fuck does this one even do? Does this even go to this machine? I don’t know. It’s all wrapped and it’s got a twisty on it. Better save it. Maybe I’ll know what it does later. I might need it.” Right? I went through that entire box. It took me, like, an hour and a half, did not think about the end of the world during that time. And, honestly, I did not throw one of those things away. I didn’t throw… I had the exact same experience with every one of those wires I had when I got it in the first place. “Oh, yeah, this one. Still don’t know what it does, but it’s still wrapped, it’s got a twisty on it. Maybe the mystery is yet to be revealed. I’m gonna save that one.” And now I’m pretty happy that I did because I don’t know what’s gonna happen on the last day of the planet Earth when the sky is on fire. Maybe some guy will come running up my driveway in a frenzy holding a piece of equipment saying, “Hey, man! If I had a charger for this, I could save both of us right now! Right now!” And I could be like, “Holy shit. Might be our lucky day. Let’s go look in the box, bro. And who would have thunk a Palm Pilot would be our ticket out of this mess? -‘Cause…” -[audience applauds] “…not only do I have a charger, I think I’ve got an extra stylus. Would the– Would the stylus help us in our journey?” For you younger people, a Palm Pilot was… one of the first pieces of handheld technology with a screen on it. An interactive screen it had. Like, pretend like I’m showing you. And there was no wi-fi or cell phone, and you could write on the screen with a stylus, like a little pen, and I believe, if I’m not remembering incorrectly, that you had to write in Palm Pilot shorthand, which was enough for me to stop using it after three days. “Oh, I gotta learn a thing? Not for me.” So… [chuckles] But nonetheless, it was one of the first pieces of handheld technology. Sort of a futile thing. It had this weird feature where it could communicate with other Palm Pilots, but we never knew why and you always felt kind of stupid doing it, but you would have to do it if you knew somebody with a Palm Pilot: “Do you want to do the thing?” “Is it doing it?” “Yep, they’re talking to each other.” “About what?” “I don’t know. Machine stuff.” “No, they’re not. It’s just a feature no one uses.” “Why you gotta ruin everything?” “Look, they’re done.” “Yay.” So… [chuckles] But the Palm Pilots went away. They became extinct. And it was just part of the evolution to the… technological clusterfuck that we find ourselves in the center of now. Just happily codependent to a bunch of smarter machines. Just gleefully enabling the singularity. Just looking forward to a day where we’ll just be the fleshy appendage of a series of smarter equipment than us. Ah, how convenient that’ll be. Too dark? I can go another way. I think most of us, if we lost our cell phone, you’re like two hours away from wandering the streets saying, “What’s my name?! Where do I live?! I have a family, but I don’t know how to get in touch with them or where they are anymore.” “Are you okay, old man? Do you need to go to the hospital?” “No, son, I’ve lost my phone.” “Would you like me to call it for you, old man?” “Yes, please. Thank you, son.” “What’s the number, old man?” “I don’t know! I don’t call myself! It’s in the phone! Oh, no. Yeah, take me to the hospital.” There was a time, folks, before cell phones and the internet. Yeah, some of you remember. I saw– I saw the audience. Back then, people had to do things like… wait. Yeah, you had to wait for stuff. And if you were actually waiting, like, in line or something, that was all you could do. [sighs wearily] [exhales] Do you feel all that space I created? That used to be around us all the time. There was all this space that was… all mental space. I mean, you had to wait to check for your messages at the end of an entire day. Like, if you couldn’t get calls at work, there was no way anyone could get in touch with you, and at the end of the day, sometimes 6:00 or 7:00 at night, you would go home, look at a machine on your kitchen counter to see if a light was blinking, and if it was, you’d actually feel a tangible jolt of excitement. “Oh, it’s a message! Someone called.” Then you’d push a button and, like, eight out of ten times, it would be… [imitates repeating dial tone] Some of you don’t even know what that sound is. Does that sound even exist in nature anymore? That was the sound on your machine if someone had hung up. Right? And if it went on long enough, you’d hear a voice go, “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try…” What happened to that guy? I don’t know. Can’t be a good story. And then, if you got some of those, you’d spend ten minutes just wondering like, “Who called me and hung up?” That was the kind of mental time we had back then. Like, what were we doing with all that mental space? Using our imagination, just letting our memories do what they do in their own time and pace. Like, back then, if you couldn’t remember something, that was sort of the end of it. Unless, like, you couldn’t remember something and you locked on. That was problematic ’cause what could you do then? Yeah. Not easy. Like, let’s say you’re just… driving to work. This is back in the day. Let’s go there now. [chuckles] Just driving to work, maybe listening to a cassette in your in-dash player. Through some, uh, Jensen coaxials or triaxial speakers. If you had a lot to prove, you had a power amp bolted onto the floor. Maybe you’re listening to a little Lynyrd Skynyrd Second Helping. Not a bad band, stop judging that band, solid rock band, lot of good records, amazing double live album. You’re misunderstanding that one song. Re– Listen to it again. Listen to it again. Maybe you’re listening to a little Skynyrd Second Helping, you know exactly where the tape is fucked up from that day it got stuck in the machine. That was a tough few minutes. Oh, shit, come on, man! Come on! Oh, yeah! Get it out, get the pen out, roll that cassette back up, pop it back in the deck. Now, you know. ♪ Call me the breeze– ♪ [imitates skipping tape] ♪ Baby ♪ Oh, that was that day. That was a terrible morning. So, you’re just driving to work, enjoying the music, no cell phone to distract you, no internet, maybe you’re just eating– eating some trail mix on your way to work. I actually am old enough to remember when it became okay to eat trail mix in a non-camping situation. Like, there was definitely… a period of my childhood where you only saw trail mix in the camping section at the– at the sporting goods store, and then I remember vaguely seeing a guy just eating trail mix in life… and I’m like, “Dude, can you do that?” He’s like, “What?” “To eat– Just eat trail mix… outside of a camping situation?” “Yeah, it’s just, you know, nuts and dried fruit, sometimes chocolate.” “But you’re not camping.” “Doesn’t matter. It’s just nuts and fruit, sometimes chocolate.” “So you can just eat it anytime?” “Yeah, you can eat it anytime.” Like, I kind of remember when they freed the trail mix. I don’t know… if there was a corporate push behind it or not, but I remember like, “Hey, we can just eat this anytime. It’s just, you know, nuts and dried fruit, sometimes chocolate.” So, anyways, you’re driving to work… back in the day. Maybe you’re chewing on a peanut, and all of a sudden, your brain just goes, “Aw, fuck! Who is peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school. Peanut guy, peanut butter, peanut oil… Fucking peanut guy! He’s got, like, three names… He’s an inventor, a scientist… God damn it! Why can’t I remember peanut guy?” And that was sort of your day. Like, you did other things, like, you go to work, but every couple hours you’re like, “Fucking peanut guy!” And there was nothing you could do. I mean, you could ask a coworker. “Dude! Dude! Do you remember peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school? Peanut butter, peanut oil, inventor, scientist, three names… I can’t fucking remember it!” “You gotta calm down. Why are you yelling?” “Do you know or not?” “I don’t have to talk to you if you’re gonna talk to me like that.” “Why don’t you go fuck yourself! Just say you don’t know and fucking piss off.” Then you go to lunch from work. Take a lunch break. Go eat a sandwich. It’s all you could do, eat the sandwich. Watch other people eating sandwiches. Just reflect on the sad tedium of self-awareness. Go back to work. “Fucking peanut guy!” Maybe call a friend from work, you’re not even supposed to use the phone, “Dude, are you there? Pick up, it’s me. Are you there? Pick up. Fuck! Where the fuck are you, man? It’s me. Do– Do you remember peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school, peanut guy, peanut butter, peanut oil, three names, a scientist, an inventor or some shit? Fuck! I can’t fucking remember peanut guy. I’m not even supposed to be using the phone, where the fuck are you? Who the fuck was peanut guy? It’s Marc. I’m okay. Um… Call me back when you get– Call me back later. I gotta go.” Then you leave work, drive home, listen to the cassette. ♪ Sweet home– ♪ [imitates skipping tape] ♪ Alabama ♪ Happened twice. Probably should get a new tape, new deck, something. You get home. Oh, there’s messages. The machine’s beeping. I hope it’s not a hang-up. Beep! “George Washington Carver, man. It’s George Washington Carver. Dude, are you okay? I got your message and you sounded so freaked out. You sounded crazy. And I didn’t have anything to do today, so I’m at the library right now. If you need me to look up some other stuff, I mean, you just sounded really crazy, man. Are you there? Are you okay? All right, call me back. George Washington Carver. Very interesting, I’m still reading about him. I know a lot of shit now. Hope you’re okay, buddy. Buh-bye.” And that’s sort of how you did a search back then. It was, uh… a longer process. [audience applauding] So, um, all right. I’ve got this big idea as a Jew, as a heathen Jew. As a godless Jew, I feel like I want to try to… honor my legacy and sort of create a story, like, I think that most grown-ups know that the story of Jesus is a story. It’s a biblical story, it’s not journalism. Um… And I just thought maybe it’d be nice if I could try to construct some prophecy ’cause it’s sort of my birthright as a Jewish writer of sorts. I’ll get to it, but before I do it, I just want to say, again, I don’t want to judge anyone’s beliefs, I don’t want to mock the myths that define anybody. But… [audience laughs nervously] But there is a strain of Christianity that makes me uncomfortable. Scares me, I think is the word. Uh, and– and those are evangelicals. They scare me. And I’m not punching down. I think there’s, like, 90 million evangelicals, and about 8 million Jews, and I hate to give those numbers out ’cause, yeah, it’s possible. -So… -[audience laughs] [chuckles] Nice uncomfortable laugh. That was very well handled. But evangelicals, and I’ll tell you if you’re in here, I’ll speak directly to you, ’cause this is a safe space. I’m scared. I’m a little scared. Yeah. Because I didn’t realize this until recently, and it’s logical, but I didn’t put it together in my own mind in quite the way I have now, which is that in order for Jesus to come back, the world has to end. It has to. So that means there is about 90 to 100 million people that are pretty excited about it. And that’s kind of problematic to those of us who don’t fucking believe that shit. Right? And a lot of those people are in legislative positions. And I’m sitting there thinking, like, “Wait, what’s happening?” Is there any way they’re– they’re crafting policy to accelerate the prophecy? [scattered nervous laughter] Yeah, think about that for a second. Not exactly humorous, but powerful. If you walked up to your state senator or maybe a congressman that was an evangelical, and they were honest, and you said, “I’m a little concerned about global warming. It seems like humans are causing it. We need to do something about it. It’s happening quickly.” They would say, “Not quick enough, to be honest with you. We’re trying to get the flying Jew back. We got coal going, you know, it’s happening. We’re deregulating as fast as we can. We’re gonna make this shit happen.” Problematic, correct? There’s a dovetailing of late-stage capitalism and Christian end times prophecy that’s a little fucked up, and I’m sorry, I don’t mean to put this on you, but I’m assuming that the horrendous greed monsters that don’t give a fuck about anything are just hedging their bets. They don’t believe the prophecy. In the back of their head they’re thinking, “Hey, if it turns out to be true, we still got the meek, right? They can build the domes. There’s a lot of jobs in a burning sky.” All right. Let’s go. I’ll take another angle. What’s wrong with Mike Pence’s face? Have you looked at Vice President Mike Pence? He’s got a sort of a knot of a face, a tight little face with dead eyes floating in a big head. What’s going on with that face? I don’t know exactly, but I’m pretty sure it’s shame-based. I don’t know exactly what it is, but when I look at Mike Pence doing anything, all I see is a man standing there thinking, “Don’t think about cock. Don’t think about dicks. I don’t want a dick. I don’t want to suck a dick. I don’t want a dick in me. No dicks for Mikey. Jesus. I want Jesus. [audience applauding] Jesus died on a cock for me, and that’s who I… Oh, sorry, I did it again, Jesus. I’m sorry. Jesus is in my heart, not cock.” That’s what I think’s going on with Mike Pence’s face. I think it’s trying to retreat back into his head away from all the dicks he sees coming at him. He’s got a fairly rare condition called inverted gay face, and I believe… I really believe that if Mike Pence sucked one dick, his face would pop out, and we could all be less nervous if Trump doesn’t make it through his first term ’cause Pence is a scary Christian fascist person, and he’s probably worse. Now, I know I’ve gotten some pushback from the LGBTQ community about characterizing a homophobic, gay-hating man as being secretly gay as being wrong because it diminishes the fact that they’re dangerous human beings and they’re– they’re horrible. And I take that to heart and I hear you, but I think I’m right about Pence. Now… Let’s switch back to the story, the prophetic story, which is my hope. And you know where I’m coming from. And this is gonna hurt some people, but you can take it. It’s gonna land kinda bad. Like, it’s– it’s funny, but it’s gonna hurt going in. My hope on the last day of the planet Earth on judgment day when the sky is on fire, and… you know, everyone can’t breathe at the same time. We’re all looking at each other with the same dumb face… [hyperventilating loudly] And no one can help the other person and, you know, water is rising out of nowhere, and there’s just no filter between the sun and our skin anymore, and our flesh is just starting to burn… This is a bad day, folks. Ugly. But it’s coming. And my hope on that day, in my heart, is that Jesus doesn’t come back. Okay, look, I know it’s a small victory for us non-believers, but I think– I think it’ll be worth it… [audience applauding] I think it’ll be worth it to be standing in that water and be able to high-five the guy next to you. “I knew it, man! I knew he wasn’t coming! You owe me 20 bucks, fucker. My face is burning!” My other hope on that day is that… somewhere… Vice President Mike Pence stands… outside, I’m hoping, and among people would be best… he’s in the water trying to breathe, hurting like the rest of us and he realizes what’s happening, and… out loud to no one in particular he just says, “Oh, I should have sucked a cock.” And then he realizes, “Hey, the water’s only so deep, I can still kinda suck some cocks!” And the vice president of the United States starts scrambling through the water trying to suck the dicks of dying guys. I mean, are they gonna argue with him? The vice president wants to blow ’em on the last day of the planet Earth? They’re like, “Hell yeah!” So he’s fucking jerking guys off, he’s sucking dicks, he’s having the best time of his life. He didn’t know it would ever happen for him and it’s happening, and it’s happening hard! Yeah! The VP’s got a dick in each hand, he’s got one in his mouth… and then Jesus comes back. [audience applauding] “I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m sorry, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. I know this looks bad– [retches] I’m sorry… One sec…” [retches] [retches] [retching] “I got it! I– Oh, I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m sorry, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. Please forgive me.” And Jesus is just hovering over Pence. He’s being held by Iron Man. They’re both back, man. They’re both back, baby! And Jesus looks down at Pence and he says, “I can’t do it, Mike. Can’t forgive you. I can’t. You couldn’t wait five minutes? Five minutes. I can’t forgive you.” Pence is like, “Okay, Jesus, but please can I just… Please forgive– I just wanna get into heaven, I mean… That guy gets to go? Come–” That’s how I picture the rapture happening, is people just shoot up into the air like bottle rockets, like– [makes whooshing sound] And they’re not even sure it’s gonna to be them. They’re like, “Is it–” [makes whooshing sound] “Oh!” “Just let me into heaven, Jesus.” And Jesus is like, “Mike, I can’t– Could you– Ease up. Mike, I– Look, I’m sorry, I just– I can’t– I can’t do it. I can’t let you into heaven.” Mike’s like, “Oh, God. Jesus. [sighs] Is there anything I can do… to get into heaven, Jesus?” And Jesus… pulls up his robe… I know it’s difficult. I know, I know, I understand that. Even if you’re not a believer anymore, once it’s in there, you– you… It’s hard to see that. I’m– And I’m sorry for that. But this is what’s happening. This is a biblical story. Not any different than a Bible story. It could be a Bible story. Right? I mean, like, if this was a Renaissance painting, it would be The Test of Pence. So what happens? Iron Man’s kinda shocked. He’s just trying to help out. Well, I think you know what happens, I mean… [stammers] Mike Pence fills his mouth with Jesus cock. I mean, there’s no way he’s not gonna do that. [loud choking sound] And… And he can’t believe how amazing this day is. Like, judgment day worked out far better than anything he even assumed… could possibly happen. So he’s just blowing Jesus. [moaning] And then, something weird happens. Like, Iron Man’s sort of like, “I… You know, I’m not even sure I’m supposed to be here anymore.” And then something weird happens. The Jesus dick keeps getting bigger and bigger, like, to the point where it locks up Mike’s jaws. He’s– [wails in pain] And it’s starting to hurt him and it just blows through the back of his head and it kills him. And Iron Man’s like, “What the fuck is happening?” So he just launches into the air, and all of a sudden Jesus’s dick is huge, it’s shooting fire, and he’s swinging Pence around until his body falls off. So now he’s just got this Pence-head cock ring, you know, and he’s just spraying fire everywhere and Iron Man’s like, “Holy– What– Jesus, what is going on?” And then the robe comes off and it’s Satan! Of course it’s Satan! You guys are students of the Bible. Do you think I’m the kind of man that would just have Jesus’s dick hanging out like that? You think I would do that to you? It was Satan all along. [audience applauding] So then Iron Man realizes what’s going on, and Satan’s, you know, just– [demonic snarling] Spraying fire everywhere. So, Iron Man calls the other Avengers, they all come down, they– they kick Satan’s ass, and he goes back to hell, and then the Pence-head cock ring just falls to the Earth, and it becomes a crown of an evil guy in another story. Look, I’m not a comic book guy, I’m winging this. So… [chuckles] So, all the Avengers are there, and then the real Jesus comes down, and he just kinda comes down like Jesus is supposed to come down… and all the Avengers are like, [whispers] “Oh, yeah… It’s the real Jesus.” And Jesus says, [stammers] “Thanks for helping out. Good job… with all your superhero stuff. That was great. I appreciate it.” And Iron Man says, “We’re– We’re happy to help, Jesus.” And then it’s just awkward there for a minute. And Jesus is sort of, like… kicking around in the clouds. No, maybe they’re on the ground and he’s kicking around the dirt. [chuckles] And the Avengers are standing there and Iron Man’s looking at him. He’s like– [sighs] [stammers] “Do you want to be an Avenger? Is that what’s happening right now?” And Jesus says… “Yeah, I… I do. I think it would be good for me right now, for my brand.” And Iron Man says… “Um… Yeah, okay. All right. Can– Can you do stuff?” And Jesus says… “Fuck yeah, I can. I’m Jesus.” And then the credits roll. So… And then… [audience applauding] And then the meek leave the theaters… not completely happy, most of ’em, just sort of like, “That was bullshit, man! Endgame was so much better. I can’t believe that Iron Man came back. I mean, not yet! Not yet! And Jesus is in it now?” “Dude, I thought that was pretty cool.” “It’s not cool, man! Jesus is not a good superhero. It just isn’t. Do you guys all think that? Well, you’re all fucked up, ’cause love is not a good superpower. It’s not. It was bullshit. I mean, how– You can’t use love as a weapon.” And then, like, the oldest nerd says, “Yeah, you can.” But then he stops and says, “But it’s kinda my fault.” Thanks a lot, you guys. [audience cheering] What a great crowd. I appreciate it. Thank you for coming out. Good night. [cheering continues] [rock music playing] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/seth-meyers-2011-white-house-correspondents-dinner-transcript/ | Seth Meyers at the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Dinner – Full Transcript | seth meyers | In April 2011, Saturday Night Live’s Seth Meyers hosted the star-studded White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner and he wasted no time in roasting Donald Trump and other controversial media figures. I’m Seth Meyers and I cannot thank you enough for having me tonight. Let me just say up top that this evening I’m going to be making a lot of jokes about many of the people in this room, but don’t worry, I assure you no matter how harsh the jokes they have all been vetted by the man at the top, Chinese President Hu Jin Tao. Truthfully, I’m humbled to be sitting at a table with President Obama, a man I greatly admire. It’s such an honor to perform for the leader of the world’s most powerful slash poorest country. And before I start, these were my birth certificate jokes [holds up papers] so thank you for the timing on that Mr. President. Now unusable. We were working on these jokes for months – one of my guys said ‘are you worried we’re a little heavy on birth certificate jokes; what if he releases it before the dinner?’ And I was like ‘why would he do that?! He’s not going to wait three years and then release it before the dinner.’ Who told you I had birth certificate jokes?! It was Assange, wasn’t it? Is Biden still Vice-President? Because if not I’m down to like ‘thank you and God Bless America.’ I am also honored to be performing for those of you here tonight, as well as the handful of people watching at home on C-SPAN. C-SPAN is, of course, the official network for wide-shots of empty chairs. Every time I tune into C-SPAN it looks like they just had a fire drill. C-SPAN is one unpaid electric bill away from being a radio station. People think Bin Laden is hiding in the Hindu Kush, but did you know that every day from four to five he hosts a show on C-SPAN? I’m not complaining about C-SPAN mind you; I usually work on NBC so tonight I’m thrilled to be on a network that people actually watch. In fact, the fact that I’m projected on four screens right now makes me the third highest-rated show on NBC. Comcast, of course, bought NBC this year – I’m assuming by accident. Or when Goldman Sachs cut up the network and bundled it in the lower tranche of a CDO. I figured this was the only room where that joke would work and it only kind of did. It won’t be joining me on the road. It’s so amazing to be in Washington, D.C. – all this history, all these amazing buildings – and yet here we are at the Hilton. The red carpet outside was amazing. Who are you wearing? What does it matter, I’m going into a Hilton. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy that we’re at the Hilton because no matter how I do tonight I’m earning Hilton Honors Points. You may not like these jokes, but I’ll be laughing all the way to a free breakfast. For those of you who don’t know, the White House Correspondents’ Association is an organization of journalists who cover both the White House and the President, although earlier Senator John Kyle told me that 90% of what they do is abortions. But tonight is not about our political differences, tonight is really about the after parties. I keep hearing how everyone is excited to go to the Bloomberg party. You know how I know I’m not in New York? In New York, no one is excited to go to a Bloomberg party. In New York, a Bloomberg party is five people smoking outside a bar complaining about Bloomberg. I am of course contractually obligated to attend the MSNBC party tonight. Everyone knows how the MSNBC party works – President Obama makes the Cool Aid and everyone there drinks it. Too close to my home? There are actually some unscheduled parties happening tonight and I’ve been asked to give everyone a rundown. Fox News is having a party – security is tough so make sure and bring your driver’s license and your long-form driver’s license. But if you’re blonde, don’t worry about it – just bring that dynamite smile. The New York Times party used to be free, but tonight there’s a cover, so like everyone else, I’ll probably just go to the Huffington Post party. And the Huffington Post party is asking people to go to other parties first and just steal food and drinks and bring it from there. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ariana Huffington – especially her voice. She sounds like a woman who would be sitting up in bed with a sheet wrapped around her as James Bond is walking out the door – ‘will I see you again James?’ Andrew Breitbart’s after party is going to be crazy – I mean it won’t be good, but it will be crazy. Side note I actually met James O’Keefe last night. At least I think it was James O’Keefe – it may have just been a regular pimp who hated organized labor. NPR is having a party, but I’m sure it will be pretty sedate. How wild can a party get when it’s held in accordance with Sharia Law? It’s what I was told. This has been a year of sweeping changes happening TV News. Katie Couric announced she is leaving CBS. Katie was known best for asking those tough questions like ‘name a newspaper.’ Years of hard-hitting questions and she’s going to be remembered for the one that could have doubled as a category on the Family Feud. Follow-up question: ‘name something you keep in your attic.’ Katie is just one of the many departures we’ve seen this year. NPR fired Juan Williams after he said Muslims make him nervous. So Juan is black and afraid of Muslims making him the least likely man to get a cab in New York City. MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann was suspended from his show for violating company policy by donating money to three Democratic campaigns – still, the punishment seemed rather harsh compared to the slap on the wrist Larry King got after giving a Buffalo nickel to the campaign of Chester A. Arthur. CNN replaced Larry King with Pierce Morgan this year just like the old expression ‘out with the old, in with the who?’ Rick Sanchez, you are gone, but you are forgotten. Not everyone is leaving, my friend Anderson Cooper is still over at CNN and I especially love watching him report from the field. You can always tell how much danger Anderson Cooper is in by how tight his clothing is. If he’s in the bulky yellow slicker, then it’s a Hurricane that’s still off-shore. If he’s in the khaki vest, he’s maybe in the Green Zone in Baghdad. But when he’s in the child-sized white t-shirt, bullets are flying, he’s getting punched, he’s pulling kittens out of the rubble. So what I’m saying is, if you ever see Anderson Cooper with his shirt off, turn off your television and run. MSNBC has a new slogan this year ‘lean forward’ as if the problem has been that we couldn’t hear them. Lean forward. Have you seen Hardball? Chris Matthews yells like an auctioneer in a wind tunnel. I’ve never watched Hardball and thought ‘I need to get a little closer to this.’ Now more than ever it’s clear that media is changing. New outlets are adapting to an online world. Even Bloomberg News is on Twitter, with an impressive 220,000 followers; so only 20,000 less than a Cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo. My friend and colleague from NBC Brian Williams is here tonight. Brian said he was coming because tonight has the element he most respects in an evening – cameras. I’m not saying Brian loves being on TV, but when he went to Egypt it was because he heard it was their pilot season. All joking aside, I have nothing but respect for my good friend Brian; I don’t know if everyone heard about this, but Brian landed in London to cover the Royal Wedding, only to turn back around and return to America to cover the tornadoes in Alabama. It was incredibly brave and courageous. And that is a direct quote from Brian Williams. This event tonight has grown past Washington and many Hollywood celebrities are also here tonight. John Hamm is here. Yea. John Hamm looks the way every Republican thinks they look. Zach Galifianakis is also here. Zach Galifianakis looks the way Republicans think every Democrat looks. Since we’re talking about celebrities and reality stars, we might as well talk about the 2012 Republican Candidates. Just look at the options the Republicans are kicking around – Palin, Huckabee, Gingrich, Trump. That doesn’t sound like a field of candidates. That sounds like Season 13 of Dancing with the Stars. And not the stars, the dancers. Let’s start with Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney wrote a book titled No Apologies. No apologies? When you have to proclaim ‘no apologies’ isn’t that a tacit admission you’ve made a lot of mistakes? If I come home from a trip to Vegas and the first thing I say to my girlfriend is ‘no apologies’, we’re going to have a follow-up conversation. Both Rand Paul and Ron Paul have been talking about a run in 2012, so they have something in common with my father and I, which is we’re also not going to get elected President. I, of course, would love nothing more than to see a debate between a father and son. Rebuttal: Dad you ruin everything! Tim Pawlenty is considering a run. If you look up boring in the dictionary, that’s more exciting than listening to Tim Pawlenty. Tim Pawlenty makes Al Gore look like Ru Paul. Mike Huckabee is considering a run. Mike Huckabee said the President was raised in Kenya, went to a Muslim school and hates America, but despite that, he still seems like a sweet person. So he sounds less like a Presidential Candidate and more like my Aunt. And then, of course, there’s Donald Trump. Donald Trump has been saying he will run for President as a Republican, which is surprising since I just assumed he was running as a joke. Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic because a Fox often appears on Donald Trump’s head. If you’re at the Washington Post table with Trump and you can’t finish your entree, don’t worry – the Fox will eat it. And if I can for a moment talk about the birther issue – when did we get so suspicious about where people were born? A USA Today poll last week said 38% of Americans think the President was definitely born in the US. In the same poll – in the very same poll – only 5% more said Donald Trump was definitely born in the US. Has it reached the point where Americans only think someone was born here if they saw it? I know I was born here, and I know my younger brother was born here, but when it comes to my older brother, I can only take him at his word. Gary Bewsee said recently that Donald Trump would make a great President. Of course, he said the same thing about an old rusty birdcage that he found. Donald Trump owns the Miss USA Pageant, which is great for Republicans since it will streamline their search for a Vice-President. Donald Trump said recently he has a great relationship with the blacks, but unless the blacks are a family of white people I bet he is mistaken. I like that Trump is filthy rich, but nobody told his accent. His whole life is models and gold leaf and marble columns, but he still sounds like a know-it-all down at the OTB. Mr. Trump may not be a good choice for President, but he would definitely make a great Press Secretary. How much fun would that be? ‘Kim Jun Il is a loser – his latest rally was a flop. I feel bad for Ahmadinejad – the man wears a windbreaker, he has no class. I, on the other hand, sell my own line of ties. You can find them at Macy’s in the flammable section.’ So it’s not a strong field, and who knows if they can beat you in 2012. But I tell you who could definitely beat you, Mr. President. 2008 Barack Obama. You would have loved him. [Laughter] So charismatic; so charming. Was he a little too idealistic? Maybe. But you would have loved him. I still think we all remember that Inauguration Day – the first lady was there. And may I say for as beautiful as you looked that day, you look even more beautiful tonight. Now you, on the other hand, Mr. President, have aged a little. What happened to you? When you were sworn in you looked like the guy from the Old Spice commercials. Now you look like Louis Gossett, Sr. I have never said this to anyone before, but maybe you should start smoking again. Is this the change you were talking about? Mr. President, look at your hair. If your hair gets any whiter the Tea Party is going to endorse it. Ooohh, I’m going to get an angry voice mail from Jenny Thomas in 19 years. But I believe the President would agree with me that the mood has changed a bit since the beginning of his term. At the beginning of his term, Mr. President, housewives were trying to sneak into the White House. Not anymore; now everyone’s leaving. Axelrod, Gibbs, Rahm Emmanuel. By this time next year, it will just be you and Joe Biden trying to find toner for the copy machine. And now your reelection campaign has begun. I bet it’s hard getting back into campaign mode again. You know who’s really dreading it? Wil.i.am. He’s writing down words that rhyme with debt-ceiling. [Light laughter] The Heritage Foundation projected that joke would get a standing ovation. Probably shouldn’t trust those guys. But Mr. President I truly still have confidence in you. For one, you still have the First Lady. And of course, you still have Joe Biden. What can I say about Joe Biden that hasn’t already been said incorrectly by Joe Biden? I imagine having Joe Biden as Vice-President is kind of like taking your Blue-Collar Dad to a fancy restaurant. He’s more comfortable at the Olive Garden. He talks a little too loud, he mispronounces the sauces, and you’re always tempted to lean over to the Waiter and say ‘I’m sorry about him, he’s from Scranton.’ The President and Joe Biden were not invited to the Royal Wedding and when Biden found out he immediately said to the President: ‘you, me, Wedding Crashers 2.’ I’ll book us two Amtrak tickets to London. The Vice-President loves the trains. And I assume it must have been hard for the President to tell Biden the new budget cut $1.5 Billion from high-speed rail. ‘Joe, come on in, take off your Engineer’s cap. I have some bad news about the Choo-choos.’ As he broke the news, one of the straps on Joe’s overalls, sadly drooped off his shoulder. On the subject of budgets, I would be remiss not to mention Paul Ryan. Paul Ryan introduced a budget plan that would overhaul Medicare and make deep cuts to other social and healthcare programs because he believes the American people have said loud and clear: ‘stop using my tax dollars to take care of me.’ I noticed that his approach to the budget led many to praise Paul Ryan as a serious adult. And I have to say nothing is more depressing about politics than the fact that adult is now a compliment. Adult is only a compliment to a child. ‘I’m so proud of you, you acted like an adult tonight. I’m glad I brought you to my bosses’ house for dinner. You even cut your own meat like a big boy.’ Also Congress, there are a lot of things that you want us to be impressed by that we are not impressed by. We are not impressed that you sat next to each other at the State of the Union. You know what the rest of Americans call an evening spent sitting next to another person with wildly different political views? Thanksgiving. We’re not impressed when you complained about how bills are too long to read. The Health Care bill is almost 2000 pages good. A bill that insures every person in America should be longer than The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Also while we’re at it, I don’t think you read bills anyways. I think you guys vote on bills in the same way the rest of us agree to updated terms and conditions on iTunes. Well, I should wrap it up – I’m getting the red light. Not the red light that signals I’m out of time, but the red light that signals the C-SPAN handi-cam is running low on batteries. In all seriousness I want to thank all the journalists here tonight – I couldn’t do my job if you didn’t do yours. And it’s fitting that this event happened on the same weekend as the Royal Wedding because as I was watching the festivities, I couldn’t help thinking how wonderful it is to live in a country where people don’t wear hats like that. Tonight has truly been an incredible honor for me. America is the greatest country on Earth, and at least when my speech started was still a nation that was rated AAA by Standard & Poors. Thank you and goodnight. | I’m Seth Meyers and I cannot thank you enough for having me tonight. Let me just say up top that this evening I’m going to be making a lot of jokes about many of the people in this room, but don’t worry, I assure you no matter how harsh the jokes they have all been vetted by the man at the top, Chinese President Hu Jin Tao. Truthfully, I’m humbled to be sitting at a table with President Obama, a man I greatly admire. It’s such an honor to perform for the leader of the world’s most powerful slash poorest country. And before I start, these were my birth certificate jokes [holds up papers] so thank you for the timing on that Mr. President. Now unusable. We were working on these jokes for months – one of my guys said ‘are you worried we’re a little heavy on birth certificate jokes; what if he releases it before the dinner?’ And I was like ‘why would he do that?! He’s not going to wait three years and then release it before the dinner.’ Who told you I had birth certificate jokes?! It was Assange, wasn’t it? Is Biden still Vice-President? Because if not I’m down to like ‘thank you and God Bless America.’ I am also honored to be performing for those of you here tonight, as well as the handful of people watching at home on C-SPAN. C-SPAN is, of course, the official network for wide-shots of empty chairs. Every time I tune into C-SPAN it looks like they just had a fire drill. C-SPAN is one unpaid electric bill away from being a radio station. People think Bin Laden is hiding in the Hindu Kush, but did you know that every day from four to five he hosts a show on C-SPAN? I’m not complaining about C-SPAN mind you; I usually work on NBC so tonight I’m thrilled to be on a network that people actually watch. In fact, the fact that I’m projected on four screens right now makes me the third highest-rated show on NBC. Comcast, of course, bought NBC this year – I’m assuming by accident. Or when Goldman Sachs cut up the network and bundled it in the lower tranche of a CDO. I figured this was the only room where that joke would work and it only kind of did. It won’t be joining me on the road. It’s so amazing to be in Washington, D.C. – all this history, all these amazing buildings – and yet here we are at the Hilton. The red carpet outside was amazing. Who are you wearing? What does it matter, I’m going into a Hilton. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy that we’re at the Hilton because no matter how I do tonight I’m earning Hilton Honors Points. You may not like these jokes, but I’ll be laughing all the way to a free breakfast. For those of you who don’t know, the White House Correspondents’ Association is an organization of journalists who cover both the White House and the President, although earlier Senator John Kyle told me that 90% of what they do is abortions. But tonight is not about our political differences, tonight is really about the after parties. I keep hearing how everyone is excited to go to the Bloomberg party. You know how I know I’m not in New York? In New York, no one is excited to go to a Bloomberg party. In New York, a Bloomberg party is five people smoking outside a bar complaining about Bloomberg. I am of course contractually obligated to attend the MSNBC party tonight. Everyone knows how the MSNBC party works – President Obama makes the Cool Aid and everyone there drinks it. Too close to my home? There are actually some unscheduled parties happening tonight and I’ve been asked to give everyone a rundown. Fox News is having a party – security is tough so make sure and bring your driver’s license and your long-form driver’s license. But if you’re blonde, don’t worry about it – just bring that dynamite smile. The New York Times party used to be free, but tonight there’s a cover, so like everyone else, I’ll probably just go to the Huffington Post party. And the Huffington Post party is asking people to go to other parties first and just steal food and drinks and bring it from there. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ariana Huffington – especially her voice. She sounds like a woman who would be sitting up in bed with a sheet wrapped around her as James Bond is walking out the door – ‘will I see you again James?’ Andrew Breitbart’s after party is going to be crazy – I mean it won’t be good, but it will be crazy. Side note I actually met James O’Keefe last night. At least I think it was James O’Keefe – it may have just been a regular pimp who hated organized labor. NPR is having a party, but I’m sure it will be pretty sedate. How wild can a party get when it’s held in accordance with Sharia Law? It’s what I was told. This has been a year of sweeping changes happening TV News. Katie Couric announced she is leaving CBS. Katie was known best for asking those tough questions like ‘name a newspaper.’ Years of hard-hitting questions and she’s going to be remembered for the one that could have doubled as a category on the Family Feud. Follow-up question: ‘name something you keep in your attic.’ Katie is just one of the many departures we’ve seen this year. NPR fired Juan Williams after he said Muslims make him nervous. So Juan is black and afraid of Muslims making him the least likely man to get a cab in New York City. MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann was suspended from his show for violating company policy by donating money to three Democratic campaigns – still, the punishment seemed rather harsh compared to the slap on the wrist Larry King got after giving a Buffalo nickel to the campaign of Chester A. Arthur. CNN replaced Larry King with Pierce Morgan this year just like the old expression ‘out with the old, in with the who?’ Rick Sanchez, you are gone, but you are forgotten. Not everyone is leaving, my friend Anderson Cooper is still over at CNN and I especially love watching him report from the field. You can always tell how much danger Anderson Cooper is in by how tight his clothing is. If he’s in the bulky yellow slicker, then it’s a Hurricane that’s still off-shore. If he’s in the khaki vest, he’s maybe in the Green Zone in Baghdad. But when he’s in the child-sized white t-shirt, bullets are flying, he’s getting punched, he’s pulling kittens out of the rubble. So what I’m saying is, if you ever see Anderson Cooper with his shirt off, turn off your television and run. MSNBC has a new slogan this year ‘lean forward’ as if the problem has been that we couldn’t hear them. Lean forward. Have you seen Hardball? Chris Matthews yells like an auctioneer in a wind tunnel. I’ve never watched Hardball and thought ‘I need to get a little closer to this.’ Now more than ever it’s clear that media is changing. New outlets are adapting to an online world. Even Bloomberg News is on Twitter, with an impressive 220,000 followers; so only 20,000 less than a Cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo. My friend and colleague from NBC Brian Williams is here tonight. Brian said he was coming because tonight has the element he most respects in an evening – cameras. I’m not saying Brian loves being on TV, but when he went to Egypt it was because he heard it was their pilot season. All joking aside, I have nothing but respect for my good friend Brian; I don’t know if everyone heard about this, but Brian landed in London to cover the Royal Wedding, only to turn back around and return to America to cover the tornadoes in Alabama. It was incredibly brave and courageous. And that is a direct quote from Brian Williams. This event tonight has grown past Washington and many Hollywood celebrities are also here tonight. John Hamm is here. Yea. John Hamm looks the way every Republican thinks they look. Zach Galifianakis is also here. Zach Galifianakis looks the way Republicans think every Democrat looks. Since we’re talking about celebrities and reality stars, we might as well talk about the 2012 Republican Candidates. Just look at the options the Republicans are kicking around – Palin, Huckabee, Gingrich, Trump. That doesn’t sound like a field of candidates. That sounds like Season 13 of Dancing with the Stars. And not the stars, the dancers. Let’s start with Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney wrote a book titled No Apologies. No apologies? When you have to proclaim ‘no apologies’ isn’t that a tacit admission you’ve made a lot of mistakes? If I come home from a trip to Vegas and the first thing I say to my girlfriend is ‘no apologies’, we’re going to have a follow-up conversation. Both Rand Paul and Ron Paul have been talking about a run in 2012, so they have something in common with my father and I, which is we’re also not going to get elected President. I, of course, would love nothing more than to see a debate between a father and son. Rebuttal: Dad you ruin everything! Tim Pawlenty is considering a run. If you look up boring in the dictionary, that’s more exciting than listening to Tim Pawlenty. Tim Pawlenty makes Al Gore look like Ru Paul. Mike Huckabee is considering a run. Mike Huckabee said the President was raised in Kenya, went to a Muslim school and hates America, but despite that, he still seems like a sweet person. So he sounds less like a Presidential Candidate and more like my Aunt. And then, of course, there’s Donald Trump. Donald Trump has been saying he will run for President as a Republican, which is surprising since I just assumed he was running as a joke. Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic because a Fox often appears on Donald Trump’s head. If you’re at the Washington Post table with Trump and you can’t finish your entree, don’t worry – the Fox will eat it. And if I can for a moment talk about the birther issue – when did we get so suspicious about where people were born? A USA Today poll last week said 38% of Americans think the President was definitely born in the US. In the same poll – in the very same poll – only 5% more said Donald Trump was definitely born in the US. Has it reached the point where Americans only think someone was born here if they saw it? I know I was born here, and I know my younger brother was born here, but when it comes to my older brother, I can only take him at his word. Gary Bewsee said recently that Donald Trump would make a great President. Of course, he said the same thing about an old rusty birdcage that he found. Donald Trump owns the Miss USA Pageant, which is great for Republicans since it will streamline their search for a Vice-President. Donald Trump said recently he has a great relationship with the blacks, but unless the blacks are a family of white people I bet he is mistaken. I like that Trump is filthy rich, but nobody told his accent. His whole life is models and gold leaf and marble columns, but he still sounds like a know-it-all down at the OTB. Mr. Trump may not be a good choice for President, but he would definitely make a great Press Secretary. How much fun would that be? ‘Kim Jun Il is a loser – his latest rally was a flop. I feel bad for Ahmadinejad – the man wears a windbreaker, he has no class. I, on the other hand, sell my own line of ties. You can find them at Macy’s in the flammable section.’ So it’s not a strong field, and who knows if they can beat you in 2012. But I tell you who could definitely beat you, Mr. President. 2008 Barack Obama. You would have loved him. [Laughter] So charismatic; so charming. Was he a little too idealistic? Maybe. But you would have loved him. I still think we all remember that Inauguration Day – the first lady was there. And may I say for as beautiful as you looked that day, you look even more beautiful tonight. Now you, on the other hand, Mr. President, have aged a little. What happened to you? When you were sworn in you looked like the guy from the Old Spice commercials. Now you look like Louis Gossett, Sr. I have never said this to anyone before, but maybe you should start smoking again. Is this the change you were talking about? Mr. President, look at your hair. If your hair gets any whiter the Tea Party is going to endorse it. Ooohh, I’m going to get an angry voice mail from Jenny Thomas in 19 years. But I believe the President would agree with me that the mood has changed a bit since the beginning of his term. At the beginning of his term, Mr. President, housewives were trying to sneak into the White House. Not anymore; now everyone’s leaving. Axelrod, Gibbs, Rahm Emmanuel. By this time next year, it will just be you and Joe Biden trying to find toner for the copy machine. And now your reelection campaign has begun. I bet it’s hard getting back into campaign mode again. You know who’s really dreading it? Wil.i.am. He’s writing down words that rhyme with debt-ceiling. [Light laughter] The Heritage Foundation projected that joke would get a standing ovation. Probably shouldn’t trust those guys. But Mr. President I truly still have confidence in you. For one, you still have the First Lady. And of course, you still have Joe Biden. What can I say about Joe Biden that hasn’t already been said incorrectly by Joe Biden? I imagine having Joe Biden as Vice-President is kind of like taking your Blue-Collar Dad to a fancy restaurant. He’s more comfortable at the Olive Garden. He talks a little too loud, he mispronounces the sauces, and you’re always tempted to lean over to the Waiter and say ‘I’m sorry about him, he’s from Scranton.’ The President and Joe Biden were not invited to the Royal Wedding and when Biden found out he immediately said to the President: ‘you, me, Wedding Crashers 2.’ I’ll book us two Amtrak tickets to London. The Vice-President loves the trains. And I assume it must have been hard for the President to tell Biden the new budget cut $1.5 Billion from high-speed rail. ‘Joe, come on in, take off your Engineer’s cap. I have some bad news about the Choo-choos.’ As he broke the news, one of the straps on Joe’s overalls, sadly drooped off his shoulder. On the subject of budgets, I would be remiss not to mention Paul Ryan. Paul Ryan introduced a budget plan that would overhaul Medicare and make deep cuts to other social and healthcare programs because he believes the American people have said loud and clear: ‘stop using my tax dollars to take care of me.’ I noticed that his approach to the budget led many to praise Paul Ryan as a serious adult. And I have to say nothing is more depressing about politics than the fact that adult is now a compliment. Adult is only a compliment to a child. ‘I’m so proud of you, you acted like an adult tonight. I’m glad I brought you to my bosses’ house for dinner. You even cut your own meat like a big boy.’ Also Congress, there are a lot of things that you want us to be impressed by that we are not impressed by. We are not impressed that you sat next to each other at the State of the Union. You know what the rest of Americans call an evening spent sitting next to another person with wildly different political views? Thanksgiving. We’re not impressed when you complained about how bills are too long to read. The Health Care bill is almost 2000 pages good. A bill that insures every person in America should be longer than The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Also while we’re at it, I don’t think you read bills anyways. I think you guys vote on bills in the same way the rest of us agree to updated terms and conditions on iTunes. Well, I should wrap it up – I’m getting the red light. Not the red light that signals I’m out of time, but the red light that signals the C-SPAN handi-cam is running low on batteries. In all seriousness I want to thank all the journalists here tonight – I couldn’t do my job if you didn’t do yours. And it’s fitting that this event happened on the same weekend as the Royal Wedding because as I was watching the festivities, I couldn’t help thinking how wonderful it is to live in a country where people don’t wear hats like that. Tonight has truly been an incredible honor for me. America is the greatest country on Earth, and at least when my speech started was still a nation that was rated AAA by Standard & Poors. Thank you and goodnight. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-back-town-1996-full-transcript/ | GEORGE CARLIN: BACK IN TOWN (1996) – Full transcript | george carlin | Back in Town is George Carlin’s 15th album and ninth HBO special. It was also released on CD on September 17, 1996. This was also his first of many performances at the Beacon Theater in New York City “Abortion”
Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you’re born, you’re on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you’re preborn, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re fucked.
Conservatives don’t give a shit about you until you reach “military age”. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they’ve been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life… pro-life… These people aren’t pro-life, they’re killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they’ll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it’They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don’t like them. They don’t like women.They believe a woman’s primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.
Pro-life… You don’t see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don’t see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you won’t see alot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, moraly committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn’t they?! They knew how to put on a fucking protest. Light yourself on FIRE!! C’mon, you moral crusaders, let’s see a little smoke. To match that fire in your belly.
Here’s another question I have: how come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we’re better than chickens… See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cuz chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don’t see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen. ‘Cuz chickens are decent people.
But let’s get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a fetus a human being? This seems to be the central question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn’t count them? If a fetus is a human being, how come when there’s a miscarriage they don’t have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say “we have two children and one on the way” instead of saying “we have three children?” People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it’s a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling, rolling along.
And say you know something? Listen, you can go back further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah? Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn’t be burning all this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments. See the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man says “Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me.” Fertilization.
But even after the egg is fertilized, it’s still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman’s fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who’s had more than more than one period is a serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who’s watching cums in his pants, huh? Here’s a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies and Debbies, and nobody’s saying a word to the guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name.
Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other Christians are against abortions, and they’re against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You’d think they’d make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics, when John Cardinal O’Connor of New York and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they’ve raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I’ll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I’m sure it’ll be interesting. Enlightening, too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said “Suffer the little children come unto me”, that’s not what he was talking about!
So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say “Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important then a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no pension.” I tell them “Think of an abortion as term limits. That’s all it is. Bioligical term limits. “Sanctity of Life”
But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase ‘sanctity of life’. You’ve heard that. Sanctity of life. You believe in it? Personally, I think it’s a bunch of shit. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realise that God is one of the leading causes of death. Has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians all taking turns killing each other ‘cuz God told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the land, veangence is mine. Millions of dead motherfuckers. Millions of dead motherfuckers all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question. ‘You believe in God?’ ‘No.’ *Pdoom*. Dead. ‘You believe in God?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘You believe in my God? ‘No.’ *Poom*. Dead. ‘My God has a bigger dick than your God!’ Thousands of years. Thousands of years, and all the best wars, too. The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me. Hey, any time a bunch of holy people want to kill each other I’m a happy guy. But don’t be giving me all this shit about the sanctity of life. I mean, even if there were such a thing, I don’t think it’s something you can blame on God. No, you know where the sanctity of life came from? We made it up. You know why? ‘Cuz we’re alive. Self-interest. Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred. You don’t see Abbott and Costello running around, talking about this shit, do you? We’re not hearing a whole lot from Musolini on the subject. What’s the latest from JFK? Not a goddamn thing. ‘Cuz JFK, Musolini and Abbott and Costello are fucking dead. They’re fucking dead. And dead people give less than a shit about the sanctity of life. Only living people care about it so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view. It’s a self serving, man-made bullshit story. It’s one of these things we tell ourselves so we’ll feel noble. Life is sacred. Makes you feel noble. Well let me ask you this: if everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in? I’m having trouble with that. ‘Cuz, I mean, even with all this stuff we preach about the sanctity of life, we don’t practice it. We don’t practice it. Look at what we’d kill: Mosquitos and flies. ‘Cuz they’re pests. Lions and tigers. ‘Cuz it’s fun! Chickens and pigs. ‘Cuz we’re hungry. Pheasants and quails. ‘Cuz it’s fun. And we’re hungry. And people. We kill people… ‘Cuz they’re pests. And it’s fun! And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity of life doesn’t seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says ‘Save the tumors.’. Or ‘I brake for advanced melanoma.’. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh? You know how we got it? We made the whole fucking thing up! Made it up! The same way… thank you. “Capital Punishment”
The same way we made up the death penalty. We made them both up, Sanctity of life and the death penalty. Aren’t we versatile? And you know, in this country, now there are alot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid. Drug dealers aren’t afraid to die. They’re already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds. Drive-bys, gang shootings, they’re not afraid to die. Death penalty doesn’t mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die. Like… the bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers, who launder, the drug money. Forget the dealers, you want to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start executing a few of these fucking bankers. White, middle class Republican bankers.
And I’m not talking about soft, American executions, like lethal injection. I’m talking about fucking crucifixion folks! Let’s bring back crucifixions. A form of capital punishment the Christians and Jews of America can really appreciate. And I’d go a little further, I’d crucify people upside-down. Like Saint Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I’d have naked upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You’d have people tuning in, don’t even care about Football! Wouldn’t you like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle? And I’ll guarantee you one thing. You start execut- you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross, you’re going to see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking quick. Pretty fucking quick- you won’t even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore!
Now, I don’t care about capital punishment one way or another ‘cuz I know it dosn’t do anything. It doesn’t do anything, ‘cept maybe satisfy a kind of Biblical need for revenge. You know, if you read The Bible, you see that it’s full of retrebution and revenge. So really, capital punishment is kind of a religious ritual. It’s a purification right. It’s a modern sacrament. And as long as that’s true, I say, let’s liven it up a little! I honestly believe that if you make the death penalty a little more entertaining and learn to market it correctly, you just might be able to raise enough money to balance the stupid fucking budget!! Balance the stupid fucking budget!!
And don’t forget, the polls show the American people want capital punishment, and they want a balanced budget. And I think even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. Just to feed this illusion that they’re really in charge. Let’s use capital punishment the same way we use sports and television in this country, to distract people and take their minds off how bad they’re being fucked by the upper one percent. Now, unfortunately, unfortunately Monday Night Football doesn’t last long enough. What we really need is year-round capital punishment on TV every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I’m sure as long as we’re killing people Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid fucking budget!!
And- and let me say this to you my interesting judaeo-christian friends. Not only- not only do I recommend crucifixions, I’d be in favor of bringing back beheadings!! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion, instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into. And you do it in a stadium so the mob can gamble on it too. Raise a little more money. And if you want to expand the violence a little longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using an axe, you do the beheadings with a hand saw! Hey, don’t bail out on me now, God damnit! The blood is already on our hands, all we’re talking about is a matter of degree. You want something a little more delicate, we’ll do the beheadings with an olive fork. That would be nice. And it would take a good God damn long time. There’s a lot of good things we could be doing.
When’s the last time we burned someone at the stake? It’s been too long! Here’s another form of capital punishment, comes out of a nice, rich, religious tradition. Burning people at the stake. Sponsor: Britchford Charcoal. And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings. The Sunday Morning Evangelical Send Us An Offering Praise Jesus Human Bonfire! You don’t think that would get big ratings? In this sick fucking country?! Shit you’d have people skipping church to watch this stuff! And you take the money they send in and the offerings and you use it to balance the budget.
What about boiling people in oil? Boy those were the days weren’t they? You get the oil going real good, you know, a nice high rolling boil. And then slowly, at the end of a rope, you lower the perpatrator headfirst into the boiling oil. Huh? You talk about fun shit! And just to encourage citizen participation, you let the mob in the stadium control the speed of the rope. Good, clean, wholesome family entertainment. The kids’ll love it. The kids’ll love it. And at the same time they’re enjoying themselves, we’re teaching then a nice, Christian moral lesson. Boiling people in oil. Sponsor: Crisco! And maybe, maybe instead of boiling all these guys every now and then you could french-fry a couple of them, you know. French-fried felons. Dip a guy in egg batter, just for a goof, you know? Kind of a Tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmer neverthought of this shit did he?! Jeffrey Dahmer, eat you heart out!! Which is an interesting thought, in and of itself!
Alright, enough nostalgia, what about some modern forms of capital punishment. How about we throw a guy off the World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the Publisher’s Clearing House? OK something a little more sophisticated, you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a small room with a wolverine who’s high on angel dust. There’s one guy’s not going to be fucking with to many kids at the bus stop for a while. Here’s something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult… right into a brick wall!! Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV, you know? You’d have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen catapults, while you’re shooting off one, you’re loading up the others. ‘Course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall. Cleanliness… right next to Godliness. Alright hi-tech. I sense some of yous are waiting for hi-tech. I got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon… and stick it up a guy’s ass! A thermo-nuclear suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about fallout, huh? Woah! Or, you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy’s dick. Yeah, a bomb, in a dick! When it goes off, the guy wouldn’t know whether he was cumming or going!! Ah! Get outta here!! I gotcha! Hey… listen… I got alot of good ideas. Balance the stupid fucking budget. “State Prison Farms”
Here’s another idea. I’m going to save you a whole lot of money on prisons, but at the same time we are still going to remove from society many of our more annoying citizens. Four groups are going away permanently. First group: Violent criminals. Here’s what you do with these Emmy award winners. You take the entire state of Kansas. You move everybody out. You give them a couple of hundred dollars for their inconvinience, you know. Got to be fair. And then, you move them out, you put a big ten story electric fence around Kansas and Kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals. No parole, no police, no supplies, the only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition, so they can communicate in a meaningful way. Then you put the whole thing on Cable TV. The Violence Network, VNN. And for a corporate sponsor, you get one of those companies that loves to smear it’s logo feces all over the landscape. Budweiser will jump at this shit in half a minute. Alright, next group: sex criminals. Completely incurable, you got to lock them up. You could outlaw religion and in most cities sex crimes would disappear in a couple of generations. But we don’t have time for rational solutions! Much easier to fence off another rectangular state. Rectangular states are cheaper to fence, saves the taxpayers money, you know? This time Wyoming. But only for true sex offenders. We’re not going to bother consenting adults who like to dress up in leather boy scout uniforms and smash each other in the head with ball-peen hammers while they take turns blowing their cat. There’s certainly nothing wrong with that. It’s a victimless hobby. And think of how good the cat must feel! No, we’re only going to lock up rapists and molesters. Those hopeless romantics. Who’re so full of love they can’t help getting a little of it on you. Usually on your leg. You take all of these heavy breathing fun seekers, and you stick them in Wyoming. And you let them suck, fuck, and fondle, you let them blow, chew, sniff lick whip gobble and cornhole each other, until their testicles are whistling ‘Oh Come All Ye Faithful’! And, and you turn on the cameras and you’ve got The Sperm Channel! And don’t forget our corporate sponsor, we’re going to let Budweiser put little logo patches on the rapist’s pant right here, ‘This Bud’s for you’! Alright, next group: Drug addicts and alcoholics. Not all of them, don’t get nervous. Just the ones who are making life difficult for at least one other person. And we’re not going to bother first offenders. People deserve a chance to clean up. Everyone will get… twelve chances to clean up. Alright, fifteen! Fifteen! that’s fine, and that’s it, if you can’t make it in fifteen tries, off you go *fwit* to Colorado! Colorado! The perfect- a perfect place for staying loaded. Each week, all of the illegal drugs confiscated in the United States – that the police and D.E.A. don’t keep for their own personal use – will be air-dropped into Colorado. And we’re going to turn the Coors brewery over to the beer-drinking assholes, and everyone can stay wasted wired stoned bombed hammered smashed and shitfaced round the clock on another new cable channel, Shitface Central ‘This is the real Rocky Mountain HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!! OK I’ve saved my favorite group for last. The maniacs and crazy people. Yeah. The ones who live out where the buses don’t run. And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he’ll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. So you can’t put them all away. You know you got to keep some of them around just for the entertainment. Like a guy who tells you the King of Sweden is using his penis as a radio transmitter to send anti-semitic lesbian meatloaf recipies to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlisch. A guy like that you want to give him his own radio show. No, the maniac farm will be reserved strictly for hopeless cases. Like a guy who gets a big tattoo on his chest of Liza Minnelli taking a shit, you know? And he tells you if he wiggles a certain way it looks like she’s wiping her ass, you know? A guy like that, you want to get him into custody as quickly as possible. Now, for the maniac farm, I think there’s no question we got to go with Utah. Utah. Easy to fence. Easy to fence. Right next to Wyoming and Colorado and Colorado is right next to Kansas, and that means all four groups of our most amusing citizens are now in one place. Except for the big fences. And I think I have another one of my really good ideas for Cable TV. Gates. Small sliding gates in the fences. Think of what you’ve got here. Think of what you’ve got. Predators, degenerates, crackheads and fruitcakes. Nine hundred miles of fence separating them. Every fifty miles you put a small sliding gate. But, the gates are only ten inches wide and they’re only open once a month… for seven seconds. And you know something? Fuck Cable, this shit has got to be on Pay-Per-View. Because, if those gates are only open seven seconds a month, you are going to have some mighty interesting people pushing and shoving to be first in line. Deeply disturbed armed cranky lunatics on drugs. You know the ones. Lot of tattoos… lot of teeth broken off at the gumline… the true face of America. And every time you open the gates, some of the more aggressive ones are going to get through. The creme de la creme. The alphas. They’re going to get through, they’re going to find each other and they’re going to cross-breed. And pretty soon you’ll have a melting pot. Child killers corpse fuckers drug zombies and full-blown wack-a-loons. Wandering the landscape in search of truth and fun. Just like now! Everyone will have guns, everyone will have drugs, and no one will be in charge. Just like now! But at least we’ll have a balanced budget. “Farting in Public”
“Hey, hey, hey. Time for a few fart jokes. Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes? Question. Did ya ever have to fart on a bus or an airplane, or in some public place, but you hadn’t been farting all that day so you didn’t really know the nature of the beast. You only knew there was LOTS of it. In a situation like that, what you have to do is to release a test fart. You have to arrange to release, quietly and in a carefully controlled manner, about 10-15% of the total fart, in order to determine if those around you can handle it. Or, if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency. When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of subterfuge, such as reaching for a magazine. “Say, is that golf digest?” That doesn’t smell too horrifying. In fact, in an odd way it’s rather pleasant. I think they oughta enjoy the rest of this baby. And it turns out to be one of those farts that’ll strip the varnish off a foot locker. A fart that could end a marriage. And everyone around you heads for the exits… even the people on the airplane, as you realize it’s time to review your fiber intake. It might not be necessary after all each morning to eat an entire wicker swingset.” “Familiar Expressions”
“This next thing. This next thing is about the English language. Its about little expressions we use. The little expressions, we all use them all the time. And we never really seem to examine these expressions very carefully at all. We just sort of say these things, as if they really made sense. Like. “Legally Drunk”. Well if its legal? Whats the fuckin’ problem!? Hey! Leave my friend alone officer, he’s legally drunk!” You know you can stick it. Why do we always assume people can know where they can stick it? Suppose you don’t know, suppose your a new guy. You have absolutely no idea where to stick it. I think there ought to be a government title on “Where to Stick it”. Now that i think of it, i belive there is a government booklet like that, they send it to ya on April 15th. Undisputed Heavyweight Champion. Well if its undisputed, whats all the fighting about? It’s the quiet ones ya gotta watch. Ya know that one eh? Everytime ya see a story about a serial killer on T.V. What do they do? they bring on the neighbor. And the neighbor says “Well, he was always very quiet.” And someone in the room says “Its the quiet ones ya gotta watch. This sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption. I will bet you anything that while your watching a quiet one, a noisy one will fucking kill you! Suppose your in a bar and one guy is reading a book not bothering anybody and another is standing in the front with a machete banging on the door saying “I’LL KILL THE NEXT MOTHER FUCKER WHO COMES IN HERE!” ……who ya gonna watch? Ya goddam right. Lock em up and throw away the key. This is really stupid. Where ya gonna throw the key? Right out in front of the jail? His friends will find it! How far can you throw a key? 60. 50 feet at the most. Even if ya lay it flat on its side like that, and scale it. Waddya get? An extra 10 feet, tops. This is a stupid idea. Needs to be completely rethought. Down the tubes. Hear that one a lot, the people say “Ahhh the country is goin’ down the tubes” …..What tubes? Have you seen any tubes? Where are these tubes? And where do they go? And how come there’s more then one tube? It would seem to me, one country, one tube. What, does every state have to have its own tube now? One tube is all ya need. But a tube that big, somebody would have seen it by now. “somebody would of been like “hey, Joey, joey, look at the fuckin’ tube” Big ass fuckin’ tube ova here. Ya never hear that. Ya know why? No tubes. We don’t have tube 1. We are essentially, tubeless. Takes the cake. Ya know, say “Boy he really takes the cake”……Where? Where do ya take a cake? to the movies? Ya know where i would take a cake, down to the bakery, to see the otha cakes. And how come he takes the cake, how come he doesn’t take the pie? The pie is easier carrying then the cake. Easy as pie. Hey,wait. Cake is not too hard to carry either. Piece of cake. The greatest thing since sliced bread! So this is it, huh folks? Couple hundred thousand years, The fuckin’ pyramids for christ sake! Panama Canal! The great wall of China! Even a lava lamp. To me is greater then sliced bread. Whats so great about sliced bread? Ya got a knife, ya got a loaf of bread, SLICE THE FUCKIN’ THING! And get on with your life. Out walkin’ the streets. Ya know guy gets a parole. “Now instead of being in prison this guy is out walkin’ the streets”. How do we know? Maybe the guys home bangin’ the baby sitter. Not everyone who gets a parole is out walkin’ the fuckin’ streets. Lotta times they steal a car ya know. But we oughta be glad. Thank god he stole a car, least he’s not out walkin’ the streets. Fine and dandy. That’s an old fashion one, isn’t it, yea. Say to a guy “How are ya” “Fine and dandy” Not me, i never say that, ya know how come? Cause I’m never both of those things at the same time. Sometimes I’m fine, not dandy. Close to dandy, approaching dandy, in the vicinity of dandyhood, not quite fully dandy. Other times, i am indeed, highly dandy. However, not fine. One time, one time. 1965. August. For about an hour. I was both fine and dandy for about the same time. BUT NOBODY ASKED ME HOW I WAS! And I could of told ’em. I could of told ’em. I could of told em. I could of said to the person, Fine and Dandy. I consider it a lost opportunity. Walkin’ Papers. Ya know, guy gets fired. they say “Jeez, poor guy well they gave him his walkin’ papers today.” Did you ever get any walkin’ papers? Seriously? Believe me in my life i got fired a lot of times. You can tell. Never got any walkin’ papers. Never got a pink slip, either. Ya know what i would get? A guy would come around to my desk and say “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!” You don’t need paper for that. It’s like the riot act. The riot act. They keep tellin’ ya there gonna read that to ya. Have you heard this thing at all? Especially when your a kid, they threaten ya. “You wait till ya father comes home, hes gonna read you the riot act!” Tell him I already read it myself! And I didn’t like it either. I consider it wordy and poorly thought out. He wants to read me somethin’ how about the Gentlemens guide to the Golden Age of Blow Jobs (Golden Age of Blow Jobs… I don’t know either). More then happy. I bet you say that sometimes, don’t ya? Once in a while you say to somebody. “Ohhh I’d be more then happy to do that.” How can you be more then happy? To me this sounds like a dangerous mental condition. “We had to put Dave in the mental home. He was, whahaha, more then happy”. One more of these. In your own words. People say that to you. ya know, they did that a lot in the classroom. Or in a court room. They’ll say to ya “Tell us, in your own words”. Do you have your own words? Hey, I’m using the ones everybody else has been using. Next time they tell ya to say something in your own words say “nikwakquarndayquanfloo!” “Free-Floating Hostility”
Now this next piece of material is real simple. it’s called free-floating hostility. 24 minor cultural items I’m bored with, tired of, and pissed at. So i hope you’re ready for a little random anger. People… people… PEOPLE who make quote marks in the air with their fingers. Are you tired of these people yet? He said he was “Sober”. hey lady, “EAT ME”! Budda-boom budda-bing. The next guy who says to me “budda-boom budda-bing” is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts. Budda-boom mother-fucker! You want to try budda-bing? Bad hair day. Where did this shit come from? What a superficial culture. Put on a hat and go to work you shallow cunt. It’s a good thing lewis and clark never had a bad hair day, or daniel boone huh? custer: he had a REALLY bad hair day. But he had it coming, that blond, blue-eyed, criminal fuck. What about these guys that tell you: “I heard that…”, “I heard that…”, oh you did did you? Well isn’t this exciting… what is this, a fucking hearing test? Did I wonder into a beltone commercial here? Of course you “heard” you fucking nimrod. I’m standing right next to ya… I’m going to move down here… I’m going to move a little farther away… BLOW ME! by any chance did you hear that? What about these people who tell you their needs aren’t being met? You run into this stuff? this is support-group shit, twelve-steppers. “my needs aren’t being met”. Know what i tell them? “DROP SOME OF YOUR NEEDS”. Life is a zero-sum game. What else is troubling me? Mickey Mouse’s birthday being announced on the television news as if it’s an actual event. i don’t give a shit. if i cared about mickey mouse’s birthday, I’d have memorized it years ago, and I’d send him a card: “dear mickey happy birthday love George”. I don’t do that, why? because i don’t give a shit. fuck mickey mouse. fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick, then break it off and beat him with the rest of it. i hope mickey dies. i do, i hope he god-damn dies. i hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten, behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom, in a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy’s pants. Mickey Mouse – no wonder no one in the world takes our country serious. why do we waste valuable television-time, informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent. Now let me ask you this: the two pandas in the zoo, do you care if they fuck? i don’t. why don’t they stop telling me on the news “the pandas didn’t fuck again this year”. I’m not concerned. i have no emotional stake in panda fucking, all right? if they want to they will, if not, they’ll watch the price is right. probably the only reason they’re not doing it on time is ’cause some jack-off from the environmental movement has moved into the cage with them. could you get a hard-on if some guy in a green t-shirt with a stopwatch was taking your girlfriend’s rectal temperature? leave these creatures alone! And as long as were talking about the news, i don’t want to hear anything more about sperm-egg donor, surrogate, in vetro, test-tube, biological, adoptive foster parents who want their baby back. baby jane, baby ruth, baby this, baby that, baby it’s cold outside, i don’t give a shit. leave me alone and keep it off my tv. Sick American shit. I’m also tired of hearing about “innocent victims”. this is an outmoded idea. there are no “innocent victims”. if you live on this planet, you’re guilty. period. fuck you. end of report, next case. NEXT FUCKING CASE! next case. your birth certificate is proof of guilt. And what happened in this country that now suddenly everyone is walking around with their own personal bottle of water? when did we get so thirsty in America? is everybody so dehydrated they have to have their own portable supply of fluids with them at all times? get a drink before you leave the house. Another crime against society: hyphenated names. Hey lady, pick a fucking name would you please? Pick a fucking name. “Hi I’m Emily Jericho-Fordescu”. Hi I’m George jerk-me-off-fuck-you-too. You don’t acquire personal dignity by adding a name to your name. Feminists think it’s a “radical act”. It’s not. Castrating a guy in a parking lot with a coke bottle is a radical act. Hyphenating your name is pretentious bullshit. And what is going on with all these telephone-calling plans? Mci, at&t, is this shit really necessary? When did the phone bill become life’s most critical document? In a country where you can buy cinnamon dental floss, cheese in a spray can, and eatable women’s panties, are people really breaking their balls to save nine cents on a fucking phone call? Talking to your mother once a year might not be the most pleasant thing in the world, but it should not be seen as a critical spending decision. Something else I don’t understand: motivation tapes. Motivation books. What happened here? Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated? It’s a fairly simple thing. Either you want to do something or you don’t. What’s the big mystery? Besides, if you’re motivated enough to go the store to buy a motivation book, aren’t you motivated enough to do that so you don’t need the book? Put it back. Tell the clerk “fuck you”, “I’m motivated”, “I’m going home”, “I’m going home”. And can anyone explain to me the need for one-hour photo-finishing? You just saw the fucking thing, how can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept like a little while ago? Another complaint: too many vehicles. There are some families in this country who own entirely too many vehicles. You see them on the highway in an rv but that’s not enough for them. The rv’s not enough. Behind them they’re towing a motorboat, go-cart, dune-buggy, dirt-bike, jet-ski, snowmobile, para-sail, hang-glider, windsurfing equipment, a hot air balloon, and a small two-man deep-sea diving-bell. Doesn’t anyone just take a fucking walk anymore? The only thing these people lack is a lunar excursion module. Too many choices America. It’s not healthy. Another abomination: white guys over ten years of age who wear their baseball hats backwards. Listen to me white guys. Let me tell you something. You’re never going to be as cool as black guys, it’s not going to happen… You’re white, and you’re lame. It’s a fucking law of nature. Turning your hat around and learning a complicated handshake will not make you cool. And you black guys, since you started the whole thing, I’m going to let you stay with the hats a little bit longer, but i think really, once you qualify for social security it’s time to spin that motherfucker around to the front of you all right? Yeah. Another tip. Another tip for the men. The earring. The thing with the earrings. It’s over. It’s been over for a long time. Doesn’t mean anything anymore. It was supposed to piss off the squares. The squares are wearing them now! Doesn’t mean anything. It’s just fucking jewelry, unless you have an earring with a live baby hanging from it. It’s just jewelry. And I want you to know I’m in favor of self-mutilation and personal disfigurement. I’ve always said there’s nothing like puncturing and perforating your skin in a dozen or so places in order to demonstrate your high self-esteem. When i see a young man decorating his scalp with a soldering iron i say: there’s a happy guy, thinks highly of himself. And haven’t we gone a little over-board with these colored ribbons for different causes? Every cause has it’s own colored ribbon now. Red for aids. Blue for child-abuse. Pink for breast cancer. Green for the rain forest. Purple for urban violence. I got a brown one. You know what it means? EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER! EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER! And what can we do to silence these christian athletes, who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose, not a word. You never hear them say: “Jesus made me drop the ball, the Good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage”. According to these guys Jesus is undefeated. Meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those “miracles”. And speaking of delusional people, what about a guy who hears a voice in his head which tells him to kill his entire family, so he does it. Is this the only thing a voice in the head ever tells these people to do, is to kill others? Doesn’t a voice ever tell a guy: “go take a shit on the salad bar at wendy’s”. Doesn’t a voice… doesn’t a voice tell a guy to take out his dick on the merry-go-round once in a while? Well some guys do take out their dicks on the merry-go-round, but usually it’s their own idea. Something else i can do without: after-shave and cologne, and this disgusting shit that men put on their bodies. Just what I need in the elevator, some guy standing next to me smells like a fucking pine tree. I say go home and wash you smelly prick. You smell like the urinal in a Portuguese cat-house. God-damn guys are stupid. Guys are really fucking dumb. They think they’re going to get laid with this stuff you know. Oh yeah, they put it on at home thinking: oh boy, oh boy, I’ll get laid tonight. I’ll get laid tonight. You don’t get laid with green shit that comes out of a bottle okay? The only smell that’s going to help you get laid might be your own natural scent. You have pheromones. It’s a secondary sex characteristic. people in America, they’re all nervous about sex. They want to cover it up and disguise it. Guys in Europe, they know how to live. Guy gets in an elevator over there, he smells like a pile of dog shit, those people are sophisticated! Getting pretty tired of these guys walking around in cowboy hats and cowboy boots. You ever see these jack-offs? Can’t we kill some of these motherfuckers? Walking around in a fucking cowboy hat. Grown men. It’s not even Halloween for christ-sakes. I say “hey Tex grow up and get yourself a wardrobe consistent with the century you’re living in”. Why do certain men feel the need to dress up as mythic figures? You don’t see anyone walking around in a pirate costume do you? When was the last guy you ran into who had on a viking outfit? Make-believe cowboys… the closest they ever got to a cow, is when they stopped to take a piss at an arby’s. And cam-corders: here is technology gone bezerk. Everywhere you go now, there’s some dick, some yo-yo, some putz, with a cam-corder. And he is going to tape everything. Doesn’t anyone in this country just stop and look at things anymore? Sort of take them in, maybe even remember them? Is that such a strange notion? Does experience have to be documented, and brought home, and saved on the shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are people’s lives so bankrupt, they sit at home looking at things they already did? And these guys are so intense you know. It’s always guys, they won’t let women touch the cameras. It’s a highly technical skill. Look for a hole. Push on a button. Big skill. and they all think they’re Federico Fellini. Low-angles, zooms and pans, and it’s the same ugly three children in every god-damn shot. All the George Lucas magic in Hollywood is not going to change the unfortunate genetic configuration on the faces of these children. Keep these unfortunate youngsters out of public view. Now a lot of these cultural crimes I’ve been complaining about can be blamed on the baby-boomers. Something else I’m a little tired of hearing about, the baby-boomers. Whiney, narcissistic, self-indulgent people, with a simple philosophy: “gimme-it it’s mine”! “give-me-that it’s mine”! These people were given everything. Everything was handed to them, and they took it all. Took it all. Sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. And they stayed loaded for twenty years, and had a free ride, but now they’re staring down the barrel of middle-age burn-out, and they don’t like it. They don’t like it so they’ve turned self-righteous, and they want to make things hard on younger people. They tell them to: “abstain” from sex. “Say no” to drugs. As for the rock-n-roll, they sold that for television commercials a long time ago, so they could buy pasta-machines, and “stair-masters”, and “soybean-futures”. “Soybean-futures”. You know something? They’re cold bloodless people. It’s in their slogans. It’s in their rhetoric. “No pain no gain”, “just do it”, “life is short play hard”, “shit happens deal with it”, “get a life”. These people went from “do your own thing” to “just say no”. They went from “love is all you need” to “whoever winds up with the most toys wins”. And they went from cocaine to rogaine. And you know something? They’re still counting grams, only now it’s fat grams. And the worst of it is, the rest of us have to watch these commercials on TV for Levi’s loose-fitting jeans, and fat-ass docker pants, because these degenerate yuppie-boomer-cocksuckers couldn’t keep their hands off the croissants, and the häagen-dazs. And their big fat asses have spread all over and they have to wear fat-ass docker pants. Fuck these boomers. Fuck these yuppies. And fuck everybody now that I think about of it. Well sometimes in comedy you have to generalize.
Now there’s one thing you might have noticed i don’t complain about: politicians. everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from “another reality”. They come from American parents, and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses, and American universities. And they’re elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in. Garbage out. If you have selfish ignorant citizens… If you have selfish ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish ignorant leaders. And term-limits ain’t going to do you any good. You’re just going to wind up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So maybe… maybe… MAYBE, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here like: “THE PUBLIC”. Yeah the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: “the public sucks, fuck hope”. Fuck hope. Because if it’s really just the fault of these politicians, then where are all the other bright people of conscience? Where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans ready to step in and save the nation and lead the way? We don’t have people like that in this country. Everybody’s at the mall scratching his ass, picking his nose, taking out his credit card out of a fannie-pack, and buying a pair of sneakers with lights in them. So I have solved this little political dilemma for myself in a very simple way: on election-day, I-STAY-HOME. I don’t vote. Fuck ’em. FUCK THEM. I don’t vote. Two reasons. Two reasons I don’t vote: first of all, it’s meaningless. This country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago. The shit they shuffle around every four years doesn’t mean a fuckin’ thing. And secondly, I don’t vote ’cause I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around. I know, they say, they say: “well if you don’t vote you have no right to complain”. But where’s the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent people, and they get into office and screw everything up, well you are responsible for what they have done, YOU caused the problem, you voted them in, you have no right to complain. I on the other hand, who did not vote, WHO DID NOT VOTE. Who in fact did not even leave the house on election-day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done, and have every RIGHT to complain as loud as I want, about the mess YOU created, that I had nothing to do with. So I know that a little later on this year, you’re going to have another one of those really swell presidential elections that you like so much. You enjoy yourselves. It will be a lot of fun. I’m sure as soon as the election is over, your country will “improve” immediately. As for me, I’ll be home on that day, doing essentially the same thing as you, the only difference is, when I get finished masturbating, I’m going to have a little something to show for it folks.
Thank you very much. thank you very much. Thank you everybody. See ya later. Nicely done. The two items you were struggling with are: “Ball-pein Hammers” (It’s a kind of machinist’s hammer. You can check them out on Amazon). The other is “Golden Age of Blow Jobs.” Thanks for laughs. I used have this CD but misplaced it years ago. Thanks for the feedback Major!
The text has now been amended Best | Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you’re born, you’re on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you’re preborn, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re fucked. Conservatives don’t give a shit about you until you reach “military age”. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they’ve been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life… pro-life… These people aren’t pro-life, they’re killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they’ll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it’They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don’t like them. They don’t like women.They believe a woman’s primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state. Pro-life… You don’t see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don’t see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you won’t see alot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, moraly committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn’t they?! They knew how to put on a fucking protest. Light yourself on FIRE!! C’mon, you moral crusaders, let’s see a little smoke. To match that fire in your belly. Here’s another question I have: how come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we’re better than chickens… See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cuz chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don’t see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen. ‘Cuz chickens are decent people. But let’s get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a fetus a human being? This seems to be the central question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn’t count them? If a fetus is a human being, how come when there’s a miscarriage they don’t have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say “we have two children and one on the way” instead of saying “we have three children?” People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it’s a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling, rolling along. And say you know something? Listen, you can go back further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah? Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn’t be burning all this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments. See the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man says “Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me.” Fertilization. But even after the egg is fertilized, it’s still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman’s fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who’s had more than more than one period is a serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who’s watching cums in his pants, huh? Here’s a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies and Debbies, and nobody’s saying a word to the guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name. Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other Christians are against abortions, and they’re against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You’d think they’d make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics, when John Cardinal O’Connor of New York and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they’ve raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I’ll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I’m sure it’ll be interesting. Enlightening, too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said “Suffer the little children come unto me”, that’s not what he was talking about! So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say “Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important then a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no pension.” I tell them “Think of an abortion as term limits. That’s all it is. Bioligical term limits. “Sanctity of Life” But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase ‘sanctity of life’. You’ve heard that. Sanctity of life. You believe in it? Personally, I think it’s a bunch of shit. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realise that God is one of the leading causes of death. Has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians all taking turns killing each other ‘cuz God told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the land, veangence is mine. Millions of dead motherfuckers. Millions of dead motherfuckers all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question. ‘You believe in God?’ ‘No.’ *Pdoom*. Dead. ‘You believe in God?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘You believe in my God? ‘No.’ *Poom*. Dead. ‘My God has a bigger dick than your God!’ Thousands of years. Thousands of years, and all the best wars, too. The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me. Hey, any time a bunch of holy people want to kill each other I’m a happy guy. But don’t be giving me all this shit about the sanctity of life. I mean, even if there were such a thing, I don’t think it’s something you can blame on God. No, you know where the sanctity of life came from? We made it up. You know why? ‘Cuz we’re alive. Self-interest. Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred. You don’t see Abbott and Costello running around, talking about this shit, do you? We’re not hearing a whole lot from Musolini on the subject. What’s the latest from JFK? Not a goddamn thing. ‘Cuz JFK, Musolini and Abbott and Costello are fucking dead. They’re fucking dead. And dead people give less than a shit about the sanctity of life. Only living people care about it so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view. It’s a self serving, man-made bullshit story. It’s one of these things we tell ourselves so we’ll feel noble. Life is sacred. Makes you feel noble. Well let me ask you this: if everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in? I’m having trouble with that. ‘Cuz, I mean, even with all this stuff we preach about the sanctity of life, we don’t practice it. We don’t practice it. Look at what we’d kill: Mosquitos and flies. ‘Cuz they’re pests. Lions and tigers. ‘Cuz it’s fun! Chickens and pigs. ‘Cuz we’re hungry. Pheasants and quails. ‘Cuz it’s fun. And we’re hungry. And people. We kill people… ‘Cuz they’re pests. And it’s fun! And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity of life doesn’t seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says ‘Save the tumors.’. Or ‘I brake for advanced melanoma.’. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh? You know how we got it? We made the whole fucking thing up! Made it up! The same way… thank you. “Capital Punishment” The same way we made up the death penalty. We made them both up, Sanctity of life and the death penalty. Aren’t we versatile? And you know, in this country, now there are alot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid. Drug dealers aren’t afraid to die. They’re already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds. Drive-bys, gang shootings, they’re not afraid to die. Death penalty doesn’t mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die. Like… the bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers, who launder, the drug money. Forget the dealers, you want to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start executing a few of these fucking bankers. White, middle class Republican bankers. And I’m not talking about soft, American executions, like lethal injection. I’m talking about fucking crucifixion folks! Let’s bring back crucifixions. A form of capital punishment the Christians and Jews of America can really appreciate. And I’d go a little further, I’d crucify people upside-down. Like Saint Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I’d have naked upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You’d have people tuning in, don’t even care about Football! Wouldn’t you like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle? And I’ll guarantee you one thing. You start execut- you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross, you’re going to see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking quick. Pretty fucking quick- you won’t even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore! Now, I don’t care about capital punishment one way or another ‘cuz I know it dosn’t do anything. It doesn’t do anything, ‘cept maybe satisfy a kind of Biblical need for revenge. You know, if you read The Bible, you see that it’s full of retrebution and revenge. So really, capital punishment is kind of a religious ritual. It’s a purification right. It’s a modern sacrament. And as long as that’s true, I say, let’s liven it up a little! I honestly believe that if you make the death penalty a little more entertaining and learn to market it correctly, you just might be able to raise enough money to balance the stupid fucking budget!! Balance the stupid fucking budget!! And don’t forget, the polls show the American people want capital punishment, and they want a balanced budget. And I think even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. Just to feed this illusion that they’re really in charge. Let’s use capital punishment the same way we use sports and television in this country, to distract people and take their minds off how bad they’re being fucked by the upper one percent. Now, unfortunately, unfortunately Monday Night Football doesn’t last long enough. What we really need is year-round capital punishment on TV every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I’m sure as long as we’re killing people Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid fucking budget!! And- and let me say this to you my interesting judaeo-christian friends. Not only- not only do I recommend crucifixions, I’d be in favor of bringing back beheadings!! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion, instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into. And you do it in a stadium so the mob can gamble on it too. Raise a little more money. And if you want to expand the violence a little longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using an axe, you do the beheadings with a hand saw! Hey, don’t bail out on me now, God damnit! The blood is already on our hands, all we’re talking about is a matter of degree. You want something a little more delicate, we’ll do the beheadings with an olive fork. That would be nice. And it would take a good God damn long time. There’s a lot of good things we could be doing. When’s the last time we burned someone at the stake? It’s been too long! Here’s another form of capital punishment, comes out of a nice, rich, religious tradition. Burning people at the stake. Sponsor: Britchford Charcoal. And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings. The Sunday Morning Evangelical Send Us An Offering Praise Jesus Human Bonfire! You don’t think that would get big ratings? In this sick fucking country?! Shit you’d have people skipping church to watch this stuff! And you take the money they send in and the offerings and you use it to balance the budget. What about boiling people in oil? Boy those were the days weren’t they? You get the oil going real good, you know, a nice high rolling boil. And then slowly, at the end of a rope, you lower the perpatrator headfirst into the boiling oil. Huh? You talk about fun shit! And just to encourage citizen participation, you let the mob in the stadium control the speed of the rope. Good, clean, wholesome family entertainment. The kids’ll love it. The kids’ll love it. And at the same time they’re enjoying themselves, we’re teaching then a nice, Christian moral lesson. Boiling people in oil. Sponsor: Crisco! And maybe, maybe instead of boiling all these guys every now and then you could french-fry a couple of them, you know. French-fried felons. Dip a guy in egg batter, just for a goof, you know? Kind of a Tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmer neverthought of this shit did he?! Jeffrey Dahmer, eat you heart out!! Which is an interesting thought, in and of itself! Alright, enough nostalgia, what about some modern forms of capital punishment. How about we throw a guy off the World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the Publisher’s Clearing House? OK something a little more sophisticated, you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a small room with a wolverine who’s high on angel dust. There’s one guy’s not going to be fucking with to many kids at the bus stop for a while. Here’s something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult… right into a brick wall!! Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV, you know? You’d have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen catapults, while you’re shooting off one, you’re loading up the others. ‘Course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall. Cleanliness… right next to Godliness. Alright hi-tech. I sense some of yous are waiting for hi-tech. I got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon… and stick it up a guy’s ass! A thermo-nuclear suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about fallout, huh? Woah! Or, you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy’s dick. Yeah, a bomb, in a dick! When it goes off, the guy wouldn’t know whether he was cumming or going!! Ah! Get outta here!! I gotcha! Hey… listen… I got alot of good ideas. Balance the stupid fucking budget. “State Prison Farms” Here’s another idea. I’m going to save you a whole lot of money on prisons, but at the same time we are still going to remove from society many of our more annoying citizens. Four groups are going away permanently. First group: Violent criminals. Here’s what you do with these Emmy award winners. You take the entire state of Kansas. You move everybody out. You give them a couple of hundred dollars for their inconvinience, you know. Got to be fair. And then, you move them out, you put a big ten story electric fence around Kansas and Kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals. No parole, no police, no supplies, the only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition, so they can communicate in a meaningful way. Then you put the whole thing on Cable TV. The Violence Network, VNN. And for a corporate sponsor, you get one of those companies that loves to smear it’s logo feces all over the landscape. Budweiser will jump at this shit in half a minute. Alright, next group: sex criminals. Completely incurable, you got to lock them up. You could outlaw religion and in most cities sex crimes would disappear in a couple of generations. But we don’t have time for rational solutions! Much easier to fence off another rectangular state. Rectangular states are cheaper to fence, saves the taxpayers money, you know? This time Wyoming. But only for true sex offenders. We’re not going to bother consenting adults who like to dress up in leather boy scout uniforms and smash each other in the head with ball-peen hammers while they take turns blowing their cat. There’s certainly nothing wrong with that. It’s a victimless hobby. And think of how good the cat must feel! No, we’re only going to lock up rapists and molesters. Those hopeless romantics. Who’re so full of love they can’t help getting a little of it on you. Usually on your leg. You take all of these heavy breathing fun seekers, and you stick them in Wyoming. And you let them suck, fuck, and fondle, you let them blow, chew, sniff lick whip gobble and cornhole each other, until their testicles are whistling ‘Oh Come All Ye Faithful’! And, and you turn on the cameras and you’ve got The Sperm Channel! And don’t forget our corporate sponsor, we’re going to let Budweiser put little logo patches on the rapist’s pant right here, ‘This Bud’s for you’! Alright, next group: Drug addicts and alcoholics. Not all of them, don’t get nervous. Just the ones who are making life difficult for at least one other person. And we’re not going to bother first offenders. People deserve a chance to clean up. Everyone will get… twelve chances to clean up. Alright, fifteen! Fifteen! that’s fine, and that’s it, if you can’t make it in fifteen tries, off you go *fwit* to Colorado! Colorado! The perfect- a perfect place for staying loaded. Each week, all of the illegal drugs confiscated in the United States – that the police and D.E.A. don’t keep for their own personal use – will be air-dropped into Colorado. And we’re going to turn the Coors brewery over to the beer-drinking assholes, and everyone can stay wasted wired stoned bombed hammered smashed and shitfaced round the clock on another new cable channel, Shitface Central ‘This is the real Rocky Mountain HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!! OK I’ve saved my favorite group for last. The maniacs and crazy people. Yeah. The ones who live out where the buses don’t run. And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he’ll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. So you can’t put them all away. You know you got to keep some of them around just for the entertainment. Like a guy who tells you the King of Sweden is using his penis as a radio transmitter to send anti-semitic lesbian meatloaf recipies to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlisch. A guy like that you want to give him his own radio show. No, the maniac farm will be reserved strictly for hopeless cases. Like a guy who gets a big tattoo on his chest of Liza Minnelli taking a shit, you know? And he tells you if he wiggles a certain way it looks like she’s wiping her ass, you know? A guy like that, you want to get him into custody as quickly as possible. Now, for the maniac farm, I think there’s no question we got to go with Utah. Utah. Easy to fence. Easy to fence. Right next to Wyoming and Colorado and Colorado is right next to Kansas, and that means all four groups of our most amusing citizens are now in one place. Except for the big fences. And I think I have another one of my really good ideas for Cable TV. Gates. Small sliding gates in the fences. Think of what you’ve got here. Think of what you’ve got. Predators, degenerates, crackheads and fruitcakes. Nine hundred miles of fence separating them. Every fifty miles you put a small sliding gate. But, the gates are only ten inches wide and they’re only open once a month… for seven seconds. And you know something? Fuck Cable, this shit has got to be on Pay-Per-View. Because, if those gates are only open seven seconds a month, you are going to have some mighty interesting people pushing and shoving to be first in line. Deeply disturbed armed cranky lunatics on drugs. You know the ones. Lot of tattoos… lot of teeth broken off at the gumline… the true face of America. And every time you open the gates, some of the more aggressive ones are going to get through. The creme de la creme. The alphas. They’re going to get through, they’re going to find each other and they’re going to cross-breed. And pretty soon you’ll have a melting pot. Child killers corpse fuckers drug zombies and full-blown wack-a-loons. Wandering the landscape in search of truth and fun. Just like now! Everyone will have guns, everyone will have drugs, and no one will be in charge. Just like now! But at least we’ll have a balanced budget. “Farting in Public” “Hey, hey, hey. Time for a few fart jokes. Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes? Question. Did ya ever have to fart on a bus or an airplane, or in some public place, but you hadn’t been farting all that day so you didn’t really know the nature of the beast. You only knew there was LOTS of it. In a situation like that, what you have to do is to release a test fart. You have to arrange to release, quietly and in a carefully controlled manner, about 10-15% of the total fart, in order to determine if those around you can handle it. Or, if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency. When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of subterfuge, such as reaching for a magazine. “Say, is that golf digest?” That doesn’t smell too horrifying. In fact, in an odd way it’s rather pleasant. I think they oughta enjoy the rest of this baby. And it turns out to be one of those farts that’ll strip the varnish off a foot locker. A fart that could end a marriage. And everyone around you heads for the exits… even the people on the airplane, as you realize it’s time to review your fiber intake. It might not be necessary after all each morning to eat an entire wicker swingset.” “Familiar Expressions” “This next thing. This next thing is about the English language. Its about little expressions we use. The little expressions, we all use them all the time. And we never really seem to examine these expressions very carefully at all. We just sort of say these things, as if they really made sense. Like. “Legally Drunk”. Well if its legal? Whats the fuckin’ problem!? Hey! Leave my friend alone officer, he’s legally drunk!” You know you can stick it. Why do we always assume people can know where they can stick it? Suppose you don’t know, suppose your a new guy. You have absolutely no idea where to stick it. I think there ought to be a government title on “Where to Stick it”. Now that i think of it, i belive there is a government booklet like that, they send it to ya on April 15th. Undisputed Heavyweight Champion. Well if its undisputed, whats all the fighting about? It’s the quiet ones ya gotta watch. Ya know that one eh? Everytime ya see a story about a serial killer on T.V. What do they do? they bring on the neighbor. And the neighbor says “Well, he was always very quiet.” And someone in the room says “Its the quiet ones ya gotta watch. This sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption. I will bet you anything that while your watching a quiet one, a noisy one will fucking kill you! Suppose your in a bar and one guy is reading a book not bothering anybody and another is standing in the front with a machete banging on the door saying “I’LL KILL THE NEXT MOTHER FUCKER WHO COMES IN HERE!” ……who ya gonna watch? Ya goddam right. Lock em up and throw away the key. This is really stupid. Where ya gonna throw the key? Right out in front of the jail? His friends will find it! How far can you throw a key? 60. 50 feet at the most. Even if ya lay it flat on its side like that, and scale it. Waddya get? An extra 10 feet, tops. This is a stupid idea. Needs to be completely rethought. Down the tubes. Hear that one a lot, the people say “Ahhh the country is goin’ down the tubes” …..What tubes? Have you seen any tubes? Where are these tubes? And where do they go? And how come there’s more then one tube? It would seem to me, one country, one tube. What, does every state have to have its own tube now? One tube is all ya need. But a tube that big, somebody would have seen it by now. “somebody would of been like “hey, Joey, joey, look at the fuckin’ tube” Big ass fuckin’ tube ova here. Ya never hear that. Ya know why? No tubes. We don’t have tube 1. We are essentially, tubeless. Takes the cake. Ya know, say “Boy he really takes the cake”……Where? Where do ya take a cake? to the movies? Ya know where i would take a cake, down to the bakery, to see the otha cakes. And how come he takes the cake, how come he doesn’t take the pie? The pie is easier carrying then the cake. Easy as pie. Hey,wait. Cake is not too hard to carry either. Piece of cake. The greatest thing since sliced bread! So this is it, huh folks? Couple hundred thousand years, The fuckin’ pyramids for christ sake! Panama Canal! The great wall of China! Even a lava lamp. To me is greater then sliced bread. Whats so great about sliced bread? Ya got a knife, ya got a loaf of bread, SLICE THE FUCKIN’ THING! And get on with your life. Out walkin’ the streets. Ya know guy gets a parole. “Now instead of being in prison this guy is out walkin’ the streets”. How do we know? Maybe the guys home bangin’ the baby sitter. Not everyone who gets a parole is out walkin’ the fuckin’ streets. Lotta times they steal a car ya know. But we oughta be glad. Thank god he stole a car, least he’s not out walkin’ the streets. Fine and dandy. That’s an old fashion one, isn’t it, yea. Say to a guy “How are ya” “Fine and dandy” Not me, i never say that, ya know how come? Cause I’m never both of those things at the same time. Sometimes I’m fine, not dandy. Close to dandy, approaching dandy, in the vicinity of dandyhood, not quite fully dandy. Other times, i am indeed, highly dandy. However, not fine. One time, one time. 1965. August. For about an hour. I was both fine and dandy for about the same time. BUT NOBODY ASKED ME HOW I WAS! And I could of told ’em. I could of told ’em. I could of told em. I could of said to the person, Fine and Dandy. I consider it a lost opportunity. Walkin’ Papers. Ya know, guy gets fired. they say “Jeez, poor guy well they gave him his walkin’ papers today.” Did you ever get any walkin’ papers? Seriously? Believe me in my life i got fired a lot of times. You can tell. Never got any walkin’ papers. Never got a pink slip, either. Ya know what i would get? A guy would come around to my desk and say “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!” You don’t need paper for that. It’s like the riot act. The riot act. They keep tellin’ ya there gonna read that to ya. Have you heard this thing at all? Especially when your a kid, they threaten ya. “You wait till ya father comes home, hes gonna read you the riot act!” Tell him I already read it myself! And I didn’t like it either. I consider it wordy and poorly thought out. He wants to read me somethin’ how about the Gentlemens guide to the Golden Age of Blow Jobs (Golden Age of Blow Jobs… I don’t know either). More then happy. I bet you say that sometimes, don’t ya? Once in a while you say to somebody. “Ohhh I’d be more then happy to do that.” How can you be more then happy? To me this sounds like a dangerous mental condition. “We had to put Dave in the mental home. He was, whahaha, more then happy”. One more of these. In your own words. People say that to you. ya know, they did that a lot in the classroom. Or in a court room. They’ll say to ya “Tell us, in your own words”. Do you have your own words? Hey, I’m using the ones everybody else has been using. Next time they tell ya to say something in your own words say “nikwakquarndayquanfloo!” “Free-Floating Hostility” Now this next piece of material is real simple. it’s called free-floating hostility. 24 minor cultural items I’m bored with, tired of, and pissed at. So i hope you’re ready for a little random anger. People… people… PEOPLE who make quote marks in the air with their fingers. Are you tired of these people yet? He said he was “Sober”. hey lady, “EAT ME”! Budda-boom budda-bing. The next guy who says to me “budda-boom budda-bing” is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts. Budda-boom mother-fucker! You want to try budda-bing? Bad hair day. Where did this shit come from? What a superficial culture. Put on a hat and go to work you shallow cunt. It’s a good thing lewis and clark never had a bad hair day, or daniel boone huh? custer: he had a REALLY bad hair day. But he had it coming, that blond, blue-eyed, criminal fuck. What about these guys that tell you: “I heard that…”, “I heard that…”, oh you did did you? Well isn’t this exciting… what is this, a fucking hearing test? Did I wonder into a beltone commercial here? Of course you “heard” you fucking nimrod. I’m standing right next to ya… I’m going to move down here… I’m going to move a little farther away… BLOW ME! by any chance did you hear that? What about these people who tell you their needs aren’t being met? You run into this stuff? this is support-group shit, twelve-steppers. “my needs aren’t being met”. Know what i tell them? “DROP SOME OF YOUR NEEDS”. Life is a zero-sum game. What else is troubling me? Mickey Mouse’s birthday being announced on the television news as if it’s an actual event. i don’t give a shit. if i cared about mickey mouse’s birthday, I’d have memorized it years ago, and I’d send him a card: “dear mickey happy birthday love George”. I don’t do that, why? because i don’t give a shit. fuck mickey mouse. fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick, then break it off and beat him with the rest of it. i hope mickey dies. i do, i hope he god-damn dies. i hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten, behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom, in a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy’s pants. Mickey Mouse – no wonder no one in the world takes our country serious. why do we waste valuable television-time, informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent. Now let me ask you this: the two pandas in the zoo, do you care if they fuck? i don’t. why don’t they stop telling me on the news “the pandas didn’t fuck again this year”. I’m not concerned. i have no emotional stake in panda fucking, all right? if they want to they will, if not, they’ll watch the price is right. probably the only reason they’re not doing it on time is ’cause some jack-off from the environmental movement has moved into the cage with them. could you get a hard-on if some guy in a green t-shirt with a stopwatch was taking your girlfriend’s rectal temperature? leave these creatures alone! And as long as were talking about the news, i don’t want to hear anything more about sperm-egg donor, surrogate, in vetro, test-tube, biological, adoptive foster parents who want their baby back. baby jane, baby ruth, baby this, baby that, baby it’s cold outside, i don’t give a shit. leave me alone and keep it off my tv. Sick American shit. I’m also tired of hearing about “innocent victims”. this is an outmoded idea. there are no “innocent victims”. if you live on this planet, you’re guilty. period. fuck you. end of report, next case. NEXT FUCKING CASE! next case. your birth certificate is proof of guilt. And what happened in this country that now suddenly everyone is walking around with their own personal bottle of water? when did we get so thirsty in America? is everybody so dehydrated they have to have their own portable supply of fluids with them at all times? get a drink before you leave the house. Another crime against society: hyphenated names. Hey lady, pick a fucking name would you please? Pick a fucking name. “Hi I’m Emily Jericho-Fordescu”. Hi I’m George jerk-me-off-fuck-you-too. You don’t acquire personal dignity by adding a name to your name. Feminists think it’s a “radical act”. It’s not. Castrating a guy in a parking lot with a coke bottle is a radical act. Hyphenating your name is pretentious bullshit. And what is going on with all these telephone-calling plans? Mci, at&t, is this shit really necessary? When did the phone bill become life’s most critical document? In a country where you can buy cinnamon dental floss, cheese in a spray can, and eatable women’s panties, are people really breaking their balls to save nine cents on a fucking phone call? Talking to your mother once a year might not be the most pleasant thing in the world, but it should not be seen as a critical spending decision. Something else I don’t understand: motivation tapes. Motivation books. What happened here? Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated? It’s a fairly simple thing. Either you want to do something or you don’t. What’s the big mystery? Besides, if you’re motivated enough to go the store to buy a motivation book, aren’t you motivated enough to do that so you don’t need the book? Put it back. Tell the clerk “fuck you”, “I’m motivated”, “I’m going home”, “I’m going home”. And can anyone explain to me the need for one-hour photo-finishing? You just saw the fucking thing, how can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept like a little while ago? Another complaint: too many vehicles. There are some families in this country who own entirely too many vehicles. You see them on the highway in an rv but that’s not enough for them. The rv’s not enough. Behind them they’re towing a motorboat, go-cart, dune-buggy, dirt-bike, jet-ski, snowmobile, para-sail, hang-glider, windsurfing equipment, a hot air balloon, and a small two-man deep-sea diving-bell. Doesn’t anyone just take a fucking walk anymore? The only thing these people lack is a lunar excursion module. Too many choices America. It’s not healthy. Another abomination: white guys over ten years of age who wear their baseball hats backwards. Listen to me white guys. Let me tell you something. You’re never going to be as cool as black guys, it’s not going to happen… You’re white, and you’re lame. It’s a fucking law of nature. Turning your hat around and learning a complicated handshake will not make you cool. And you black guys, since you started the whole thing, I’m going to let you stay with the hats a little bit longer, but i think really, once you qualify for social security it’s time to spin that motherfucker around to the front of you all right? Yeah. Another tip. Another tip for the men. The earring. The thing with the earrings. It’s over. It’s been over for a long time. Doesn’t mean anything anymore. It was supposed to piss off the squares. The squares are wearing them now! Doesn’t mean anything. It’s just fucking jewelry, unless you have an earring with a live baby hanging from it. It’s just jewelry. And I want you to know I’m in favor of self-mutilation and personal disfigurement. I’ve always said there’s nothing like puncturing and perforating your skin in a dozen or so places in order to demonstrate your high self-esteem. When i see a young man decorating his scalp with a soldering iron i say: there’s a happy guy, thinks highly of himself. And haven’t we gone a little over-board with these colored ribbons for different causes? Every cause has it’s own colored ribbon now. Red for aids. Blue for child-abuse. Pink for breast cancer. Green for the rain forest. Purple for urban violence. I got a brown one. You know what it means? EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER! EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER! And what can we do to silence these christian athletes, who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose, not a word. You never hear them say: “Jesus made me drop the ball, the Good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage”. According to these guys Jesus is undefeated. Meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those “miracles”. And speaking of delusional people, what about a guy who hears a voice in his head which tells him to kill his entire family, so he does it. Is this the only thing a voice in the head ever tells these people to do, is to kill others? Doesn’t a voice ever tell a guy: “go take a shit on the salad bar at wendy’s”. Doesn’t a voice… doesn’t a voice tell a guy to take out his dick on the merry-go-round once in a while? Well some guys do take out their dicks on the merry-go-round, but usually it’s their own idea. Something else i can do without: after-shave and cologne, and this disgusting shit that men put on their bodies. Just what I need in the elevator, some guy standing next to me smells like a fucking pine tree. I say go home and wash you smelly prick. You smell like the urinal in a Portuguese cat-house. God-damn guys are stupid. Guys are really fucking dumb. They think they’re going to get laid with this stuff you know. Oh yeah, they put it on at home thinking: oh boy, oh boy, I’ll get laid tonight. I’ll get laid tonight. You don’t get laid with green shit that comes out of a bottle okay? The only smell that’s going to help you get laid might be your own natural scent. You have pheromones. It’s a secondary sex characteristic. people in America, they’re all nervous about sex. They want to cover it up and disguise it. Guys in Europe, they know how to live. Guy gets in an elevator over there, he smells like a pile of dog shit, those people are sophisticated! Getting pretty tired of these guys walking around in cowboy hats and cowboy boots. You ever see these jack-offs? Can’t we kill some of these motherfuckers? Walking around in a fucking cowboy hat. Grown men. It’s not even Halloween for christ-sakes. I say “hey Tex grow up and get yourself a wardrobe consistent with the century you’re living in”. Why do certain men feel the need to dress up as mythic figures? You don’t see anyone walking around in a pirate costume do you? When was the last guy you ran into who had on a viking outfit? Make-believe cowboys… the closest they ever got to a cow, is when they stopped to take a piss at an arby’s. And cam-corders: here is technology gone bezerk. Everywhere you go now, there’s some dick, some yo-yo, some putz, with a cam-corder. And he is going to tape everything. Doesn’t anyone in this country just stop and look at things anymore? Sort of take them in, maybe even remember them? Is that such a strange notion? Does experience have to be documented, and brought home, and saved on the shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are people’s lives so bankrupt, they sit at home looking at things they already did? And these guys are so intense you know. It’s always guys, they won’t let women touch the cameras. It’s a highly technical skill. Look for a hole. Push on a button. Big skill. and they all think they’re Federico Fellini. Low-angles, zooms and pans, and it’s the same ugly three children in every god-damn shot. All the George Lucas magic in Hollywood is not going to change the unfortunate genetic configuration on the faces of these children. Keep these unfortunate youngsters out of public view. Now a lot of these cultural crimes I’ve been complaining about can be blamed on the baby-boomers. Something else I’m a little tired of hearing about, the baby-boomers. Whiney, narcissistic, self-indulgent people, with a simple philosophy: “gimme-it it’s mine”! “give-me-that it’s mine”! These people were given everything. Everything was handed to them, and they took it all. Took it all. Sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. And they stayed loaded for twenty years, and had a free ride, but now they’re staring down the barrel of middle-age burn-out, and they don’t like it. They don’t like it so they’ve turned self-righteous, and they want to make things hard on younger people. They tell them to: “abstain” from sex. “Say no” to drugs. As for the rock-n-roll, they sold that for television commercials a long time ago, so they could buy pasta-machines, and “stair-masters”, and “soybean-futures”. “Soybean-futures”. You know something? They’re cold bloodless people. It’s in their slogans. It’s in their rhetoric. “No pain no gain”, “just do it”, “life is short play hard”, “shit happens deal with it”, “get a life”. These people went from “do your own thing” to “just say no”. They went from “love is all you need” to “whoever winds up with the most toys wins”. And they went from cocaine to rogaine. And you know something? They’re still counting grams, only now it’s fat grams. And the worst of it is, the rest of us have to watch these commercials on TV for Levi’s loose-fitting jeans, and fat-ass docker pants, because these degenerate yuppie-boomer-cocksuckers couldn’t keep their hands off the croissants, and the häagen-dazs. And their big fat asses have spread all over and they have to wear fat-ass docker pants. Fuck these boomers. Fuck these yuppies. And fuck everybody now that I think about of it. Well sometimes in comedy you have to generalize. Now there’s one thing you might have noticed i don’t complain about: politicians. everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from “another reality”. They come from American parents, and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses, and American universities. And they’re elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in. Garbage out. If you have selfish ignorant citizens… If you have selfish ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish ignorant leaders. And term-limits ain’t going to do you any good. You’re just going to wind up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So maybe… maybe… MAYBE, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here like: “THE PUBLIC”. Yeah the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: “the public sucks, fuck hope”. Fuck hope. Because if it’s really just the fault of these politicians, then where are all the other bright people of conscience? Where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans ready to step in and save the nation and lead the way? We don’t have people like that in this country. Everybody’s at the mall scratching his ass, picking his nose, taking out his credit card out of a fannie-pack, and buying a pair of sneakers with lights in them. So I have solved this little political dilemma for myself in a very simple way: on election-day, I-STAY-HOME. I don’t vote. Fuck ’em. FUCK THEM. I don’t vote. Two reasons. Two reasons I don’t vote: first of all, it’s meaningless. This country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago. The shit they shuffle around every four years doesn’t mean a fuckin’ thing. And secondly, I don’t vote ’cause I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around. I know, they say, they say: “well if you don’t vote you have no right to complain”. But where’s the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent people, and they get into office and screw everything up, well you are responsible for what they have done, YOU caused the problem, you voted them in, you have no right to complain. I on the other hand, who did not vote, WHO DID NOT VOTE. Who in fact did not even leave the house on election-day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done, and have every RIGHT to complain as loud as I want, about the mess YOU created, that I had nothing to do with. So I know that a little later on this year, you’re going to have another one of those really swell presidential elections that you like so much. You enjoy yourselves. It will be a lot of fun. I’m sure as soon as the election is over, your country will “improve” immediately. As for me, I’ll be home on that day, doing essentially the same thing as you, the only difference is, when I get finished masturbating, I’m going to have a little something to show for it folks. Thank you very much. thank you very much. Thank you everybody. See ya later. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/fern-brady-power-chaos-transcript/ | Fern Brady: Power & Chaos (2021) | Transcript | fern brady | [electricity buzzes] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage it’s Fern Brady. [audience cheers] Hello. [audience cheers] Aw. This is so exciting. One of the most exciting things about this is over the last year, I’ve got my own audience. and I never used to have my own audience. In fact, for the first ten years of doing comedy people actively hated me. [audience laughs] And now I have my own audience. [audience cheers] I always wondered what you would be like. I was like “Will it be cool people? Will it be hipsters?” You’re not. [audience laughs] It’s such a specific type of person. If I was to tell you that the type of men who come to see my shows are whenever I look at their Facebook profile pictures they always seem to be shyly holding their pet snake and smiling at the camera. That’s the type of guys that like me, guys with pet snakes, and women who, when I look at their last social media posts, have always written something like, “Wish I had the strength to hurt myself tonight.” [audience laughs] These are quite intense people. [audience laughs] And I got recognized recently, this was really exciting. I was in Southampton and the taxi driver said, “Hey, don’t I know you?” And I was like, “Yeah.” He went, “You’re that mad Scottish woman who does comedy.” What a USP! He put mad first, and he put comedy last, and there’s a very good reason for that. I think if you’re a woman doing this people still think that I haven’t planned everything I’m going to say. People still look at me and go, “Well, that’s just a mentally ill woman “that’s been allowed on stage. Why is she embarrassing herself like that?” Whereas Boris Johnson doesn’t even need to brush his hair and gets to be in charge of the country. Do you know why? ‘Cause he’s got a posh English accent and he’s a guy. Posh English accents get you everywhere Prince Andrew gets to be in a pedophile ring, not that that’s something I’m aspiring to, because he has a posh english accent He basically admitted to being a pedo on a Newsnight interview that couldn’t have been more of a car crash unless Prince Philip was driving! And he gets away with it. I’m gonna make reasonable points during this show and youse’ll just laugh. Why? Because I’m a Scottish working class woman. [women in audience whoop] Thanks. [laughs] But I live in England, so I get treated like I’m a halfwit or a man from prison. It’s terrible being an intelligent woman trapped in a Scottish accent and living in England. [audience laughs] I didn’t know this was my voice till I moved to England, right? In my head, I talk like Stephen Fry, and then moved down south and started going into shops and people just looked at me like a dog was barking at them. So, I’ve lived there for ten years, and it’s largely great, the shops are open for ages. But one of the hardest things is every day for the last decade what my English friends love to do to me is repeat what I’m saying back at me in a bad Scottish accent. And they always have a look in their eyes like, “She is gonna love when I do this.” [audience laughs] Every day. I’ve got one friend that does it all the time, her name’s Haley. She’s always like, “Fern, “this is my impression of you, ‘Hello, I’m Fern Brady!'” [chuckles] Thanks, Haley, I feel so comfortable. This is my impression of you, “Please don’t tell everybody about the time I gave everybody at Uni chalmydia.” [fakes laughter] Sorry. Sorry, still not getting that Cockney accent, you fucking cow. [audience laughs] I never really thought much about being Scottish, and then I moved to England and then I became Scottish Fern. And then you realize that you’re meant to live up to this cartoon version of Scottishness, where you’re aggressive, a drunk, allergic to salad, right? Youse all know the drill. It’s hard for me to live up to this, right, ’cause I’m quite quiet offstage, salad, can’t get enough of it. I was considered almost quite middle class growing up here. Scottish middle class, not English middle class, right? Scottish middle class is where you’ve been on a plane once and Mum makes you eat fruit regularly. [audience laughs] Don’t like drinking either. This is quite a weird thing to say as a Scottish person and a professional comedian, I don’t like alcohol. And not because I’m a recovering alch-y or anything, I just don’t need to drink to make me blunt and offensive in social situations. [audience laughs] Guys, that is a gift that I have naturally. Here’s another thing, be jealous immediately. Never needed alcohol ♪ To make me a slut [audience laughs] I seemed to accept early on in life I enjoy pumping sea monsters, why bother with the health risks of alcohol? [audience laughs] Big-time stoner, who needs memories? Turns out me, for this job. [audience laughs] Oh man, I love to smoke joints. But I’ve had to quit it for the sake of my job, because my memory was getting so bad I had to Google the phrase “double bike” ’cause I no longer knew the word for tandem. [audience laughs] I’d been smoking heavily for like a year, and I was like, “All that stuff about memories is just government conspiracy theories” And then I went to say the name of… I’ve been going out with the same person for eight years, so I know his name, right, his name’s Connor. I went to say his name, and I thought, is this cunt even called Connor? Who knows? Just act confident. [audience laughs] See, when I was growing up, whenever I saw Scottish comedy on telly, it seemed to rely on slagging off Scotland. And it was the kind of schtick that was like, “Oh, aren’t we all just fat, illiterate bastards, “eating chips out a bin? [audience laughs] Ha, ha, ha.” That’s what it was, right, I don’t like slagging off Scotland, I’m not comfortable with it, apart from one crucial thing And that is the world of Scottish amateur pornography. [audience laughs] Which I made the terrible mistake of watching. This is a real category of porn, I’m not making it up for the show. Don’t watch it. But a lot of you are drinking. You seen it? [audience laughs] He’s cheersing, he’s seen it. Scottish porn’s the most depressing porn I’ve ever seen. Comes a close second to Russian porn, and at least in that they’re skinny but its in that bleak “We did this for a piece of bread” kinda way. [audience laughs] I’ve watched literally every Scottish porn on the internet for the purposes of this show. Some of the clips you’re like, “How can I even tell these people are Scottish, there’s not much dialogue?” Let me tell you, I knew. With a depressing inevitability, I knew my own people, ’cause it was just pale, hairy, white bellies smashing against each other in close-up, like water balloons filled with yogurt. [audience laughs] Every few seconds, a wee voice off-camera would go, “Oh, Aye.” [gags] Or, memorably, “Tug on my pubes, Rona.” [audience laughs] I clicked on this PornHub clip, it said, “Scottish girl fucked in London.” When I put it on, literally just footage of me paying £1,000 a month to live in a basement. And I watch amateur stuff, rather than slickly shot, professional stuff, ’cause it’s more ethical. That’s what a hipster I am. It’s more ethical. What they lack in muscle tone or symmetrical facial features they make up for with a large degree of enthusiasm. [audience laughs] Youse know what I mean, I can see you as you sit here. I’ve had to stop watching it and go back to the professional stuff, I’ll tell you why. Firstly, can’t control the soundtracks in people’s homemade sex tapes. I had to turn off someone’s amateur porno ’cause they were playing the song “Everybody’s Changing” by Keane in the background. Oh, which will come first, climax or me killing myself? [audience laughs] And here’s another thing, I don’t judge any of you if you want to make a sex tape, but for the love of God, would you lock up the pets before that? [audience laughs] Do you know the number of times I’ve just sadly closed my laptop during a porno ’cause there’s been a couple pumping away in the foreground, really happy, really oblivious to just the sight of their proud cat sauntering in the background, “Meow, this is my time to shine!” I put one on the other day, it had a couple were just dry humping, American college amateurs. And in the background there was just a sad little yorkshire terrier. Dogs are pure innocence and goodness, just looking at them like, “Please take me a walk.” I watch lesbian porn, mostly, ’cause straight porn is largely made for straight men. So it will have these blowjob scenes that go on for 10 to 15, to 20 minutes. Well why don’t I just watch someone file a tax return? [audience laughs] Men in the audience, do you hear how many more lady laughs are coming after that bit? I have a list of little tasks that I need to get done round the house, and the one that never gets done, and I feel bad about it every day, I always think about it, whenever I put a porn on, I’m at the beginning of a wank, it’s another fantastic day as a self-employed lady. I think, it’d take you seconds to put some Blu Tack or a bit of tape over the camera of your laptop, and you never do it. And one day someone’s going to hack into my laptop and steal footage of me wanking. That’s a thing, yeah. Then it’s career over, or the start of a glorious new career. [audience laughs] This is what stops me doing it, I think, Fern, don’t flatter yourself. Realistically, who’s going to want to watch footage of a 33-year-old woman in full winter pajamas sheets pulled up to my chin– ’cause I’m a Catholic. [audience laughs] Don’t want Jesus to see. Or my dead grandparents, dirty voyeurs. [audience laughs] Triple chins, just. [audience laughs] Completely dead-eyed Who needs facial expressions, man. Facial expressions are for when you’re with other people. [audience laughs] There’s a market for that. There’s a market for dead-eyed Scottish women in porn. I know it. Whenever I get asked to describe my comedy, I always say it is accessible, observational stuff, suitable for the whole family, right? [audience laughs] Then you start reading descriptions of yourself over the years. Mine’s are always consistent, they’re always, “Blunt, brutal, forthright.” I don’t read reviews, but I, say one by accident recently. it opened with, “Fern Brady scares me.” [audience laughs] That was a nice review. Who’s this scary woman they’re talking about? I’m a lovable, nice girl. And I’d always wondered why people thought I was aloof, and then I was doing a show in Berlin and a woman came up to me at the end and she said, “Just so you know your entire set is a description of a woman with Asperger’s, you should look into it.” [audience laughs] One guy just laughed then like, “Oh, thank God, she realizes.” [audience laughs] It was the tenth person that had said it to me. One of them was me into the mirror every day. Looked into it, started getting diagnosed. I’ll be honest, guys. It’s not a huge surprise, I’ve always felt like an alien trapped in a beautiful woman’s body. The rest of the show isn’t a poignant unpacking of the diagnosis and how I came to terms with it, and then we all have a little cry, no. [audience laughs] I’ll just tell you where it affects me, right. I thought it’d be cracking to get to a point in comedy. where people recognize you for your comedy and say they like your stuff. Then it started happening and I was like, “Oh, I forgot, I don’t have any social skills offstage.” A guy came up to me in the airport. He was like, “Hey, I’ve seen you on YouTube, I really like your stuff.” In my head when this happens, I’m always like, “Ah, thank you so much.” The way I responded, to this guy however was by silently holding out both my hands, and holding both his hands, and just smiling into his face dementedly, like Kate Middleton when she meets a heroin addict at the opening of community center. Don’t let that put you off chatting to me after, just know I’ve been coached in how to talk to you by my autism therapist, Jemima. [audience laughs] I’m not good at being diplomatic, that’s my problem. And it led to me having my first scandal in comedy in the last year. Dead exciting to have a scandal as a comedian. Mine started ’cause I was doing some material about a political party called the DUP. Now, some of you know who they are, if you don’t, they’re these Northern Irish Christian politicians. They hate women and gay people, even though their leader is a stone butch lesbian who doesn’t realize she’s gay yet. [audience laughs] And her name is Arlene Foster, gay marriage was illegal in Northern Ireland until I started touring this show, coincidence? [audience laughs] I think not. I did some material about Arlene Foster, saying she was a homophobe, ’cause she was secretly gay, and I then performed it on a little known channel called BBC One. [audience laughs] The BBC lawyers checked it, I thought I was fine. And then the program came out two days later, and I was made aware of a newspaper story in “The Belfast Telegraph–” [fake coughs] Protestant newspaper. [audience laughs] This is for an American audience, but I couldn’t help being like, “We’ll do some sectarianism for the Glasgow audience.” [audience laughs] “Belfast Telegraph” did a newspaper story with the headline, “The DUP demand an apology from the BBC over comedian’s gay jibes.” And then there was an unflattering picture of me. [audience laughs] I was very excited. But my agent, Chris, he’s always trying to control what I do on Facebook and Twitter, ’cause I’m what the industry would call “a liability.” [audience laughs] He got on the phone straight away, “Don’t get into an argument with these politicians. “They’re not messing about, they’ll shoot your knees off. Stay off Twitter, stay off the internet for one day.” “Okay, Daddy, I’ll be good.” In my head I’m like, “I haven’t felt this alive in years.” [audience laughs] I get off the phone, I went on Twitter immediately. I put up a link to the thing demanding I apologize to Arlene and I wrote underneath, “I will apologize to Arlene Foster “as soon as she licks my vag and looks disgusted. [audience laughs] “I’ll make no further comments to the press, ’cause I’m a very private person.” [audience laughs] So I’m feeling alive. I’m feeling good. The only thing that bothered me about this story was the way I found out about it. And the way I found out was, a gay guy in Northern Ireland tweeted me. And he tweeted me trying to cancel me, ’cause he was furious at me. And he said, “How dare you say Arlene Foster is secretly gay just because she’s a homophobe?” Well, can I just be honest? I think all vocal homophobes turn out to be gay in the end. It is just a waiting game, Vladimir Putin, hello. [audience laughs] Then he said, “Butch lesbians are never a punchline.” That got to me. And then he said, “Stay in your fucking lane.” I was like, “Oh. Stay in my fucking lane?” I’ve never been so happy to reply in my life. My hands are shaking. I’m like, “Mate, if you’re trying to say “that I hate butch lesbians, “someone needs to tell all the butch lesbians I’ve dated, ’cause I’m a bisexual.” Oh, game, set, and match. I know, one clap for bisexuality in a Scottish audience, doesn’t surprise me. Didn’t want to say I was bisexual on Twitter or anywhere. Like, see, if I’m honest Scotland is barely on board with smashed avocado, never mind alternative sexual orientations. It’s not just us, a big part of being a bisexual is constantly being told you’re not a bisexual, you’re going through a phase, you’re just whimsical. Oh, aye that’s me, whimsy to a T. [audience laughs] So for years I tried to get on board with the idea I was a straight woman that just had sex with an awful lot of women. Never thought I was a bisexual, I just thought I was a legend. [audience laughs] Thanks for your support. But this guy tweets me trying to say I hate butch women, obviously I know I don’t, but straight away I have to publicly beat him in the Twitter agruement, don’t I? I have to prove him wrong publicly. And the only way I can do that right here, right now would be to have a three-way with a butch lady and a very timid little Irish man that I’m in a long-term relationship with. Aye, I go out with a man, and I know when you see that there’s gonna be some of you who going, “Oh, good, good, she’s been restored to factory settings.” [audience laughs] Look, it wouldn’t matter, what gender my partner is he is a civil servant who was born an old man, right? He’s a very vanilla-type person. And for his birthday, I said, “Listen, you can have whatever you want, “you can have whatever you want, baby. I got money now.” He went, “Can I have a shoe polishing kit with both black and brown shoe polish?” Live your dreams. Can you imagine having a three-way with that? He’d only embarrass himself. I’d be working away on some woman being incredible. He’d be sitting at the end of the bed crying. Putting us off, tears dripping onto his little shoes as he silently buffed them. [audience laughs] I have an incredibly settled home life, right, and it’s nice, but I wish it was more exciting sometimes. And the other day I was talking to this comedian, she’s much cooler than me and she has a really cool dating life. And she said, “Oh, so I’m dating Jack and his girlfriend now, I’m in a thrupple.” Like she was getting a new kitchen. And for some reason, to keep up with the Joneses, I said “Connor and I are thinking of becoming a thrupple.” Went home that night, sitting in bed next to him, he’s reading the latest interest rates on MoneySavingExpert.com. [audience laughs] And I said, “Connor, do you think… Can we maybe get a new boyfriend or girlfriend?” He went, “Which one of your bohemian friends “have you been talking to now? What do you want to be in a thrupple for?” I went, “Well, maybe then you’d have someone to go to Parkrun with, ’cause I hate it.” He went “Fern, I’ve told you, “stop asking me deviant things. “You have this idea of yourself in your head “that you’re not mad slag that loves shagging, “when really you just like coming home to me having dinner and cuddling. I went, “Okay. “Can we get a cat? [audience laughs] “Can we get a cat and not fuck it? Just a pet cat.” When people talk about compromising in a long-term relationship, that’s the kind of thing they’re talking about. You start off with high aspirations– thrupple, three-ways, it descends to a pet that you don’t even want. I like dogs, now we’re getting a cat. Anyway, I thought, I can’t criticize Arlene Foster for being closeted and not say I’ve had a few women in my time myself. So I says I was bi properly, and this time I did it during a standup set on telly. And as I said it, I felt sick. I felt really nervous about saying it. But everyone started clapping me for being a brave girl, they were very woke and progressive. And I was thinking, stop clapping me for being brave, fuck off, man, it’s only half gay, so it’s only half brave. I was thinking, everyone I went to school with is going to see this on telly, and slag me off, and say, “She’s just doing this ’cause it’s the easiest way of being a woke hipster.” It’s easier than becoming a vegan and I’m a vegetarian which is the bisexuality of diets. [audience laughs] And that’s how Mum and Dad found out was they saw me talking about it on telly. Imagine that’s how your mum finds out about all that, right? What all that is. That’s me fingering an unbelieveably tall lady. [audience laughs] My mum phoned me up to ask me about it after the program came out. And she asked me about it the way only a Scottish Catholic mother does, which is by not asking you for about ten minutes of the phone call. It was just a series of disconnected facts. “Hello, Fern, I made a carrot cake today. “Then I went to Zumba. Then I picked sweet peas in the garden.” Then there was this terrible pause, and I knew what was coming. She went, “Fern, are you bisexual?” Imagine if that was how Holly Willoughby asked Phillip Schofield… The Scottish way, by screaming it in his face. I was like, “Yeah, Mum, and you told me it was disgusting the first time you found out.” “No, I didn’t, how dare you? “Anyway, I’ve changed since you were a teenager. ‘Cause I’ve seen the musical “Kinky Boots.” [audience laughs] and that changed everything.” Isn’t that amazing, that art can move people in profound ways? One of Broadway’s shittest musicals, “Kinky Boots,” turned my mum from being a homophobe into someone who pretends not to be a homophobe. [audience laughs] And I go out with women that are like my mum. They’re always quite intense. They’re always fucking mental. And I really judge men who say they’re always going out with mental women, I think it’s quite misogynistic. So can I just say at this point in the show I met my first girlfriend in a mental hospital, so she was fucking mental. [audience laughs] Diagnosed, we both were, it was a great match. Her name was Rita, she was a tiny little skinhead butch. We were both 16-year-olds in a mental hospital, you know how it goes when you’re teens. [audience laughs] You read Sylvia Plath, you go in a mental hospital. Rita used to write me these love letters that would open with things like, “Who’s the funniest girl in all of Willow Grove’s “children and adolescent psychiatric daycare unit? “It’s Fern Brady. “Who makes the best potato prints about her feelings in occupational therapy on Thursdays with Nurse Linda?” That’s right, this guy. [audience laughs] And then there was a terrible drawing of some palm trees on a beach done in crayon. And it said, “When I look into this lassie’s eyes “across group therapy with that bitch Nurse Fiona, “I can see the sun setting on a beach. and it’s all because of…” [audience] Fern Brady. That’s right! What a cracking lover I am. So, Rita had given me this wonderful necklace, along with a letter. The necklace was a very classy necklace from the Elizabeth Duke at Argos range. [audience laughs] Oh good, some scum get that reference. [laughs] Posh people of Glasgow, Elizabeth Duke at Argos was a range of jewelry where working class people could express earnest emotions at a fantastic price. [audience laughs] Rita gave me this necklace, it said something on it like, “Love lasts forever.” Which in Rita’s voice, I definitely heard as a threat. [audience laughs] And my mum found the letter and the necklace when I was 16 and she went nuts at me. She was like, “This is disgusting. This is vile.” I was mortified like, “Well, this is how “she finds out I’ve been fingering girls in a mental unit on my lunch break.” I like how non-judgemental you guys are about that. Youse understand there’s not much to do in women’s psychiatric units. You learn to finger-bang, and you learn to play pool to an incredibly high standard. Then Mum stopped shouting at me and she went, “Fern, what upsets me the most is I just cannot believe “you would pretend to like other girls in order to steal their jewelry.” [audience laughs] Excuse me? Now, a few of youse know what’s going on at this point, right. There’s a type of person who sees the whole world as straight, and then they tell themselves any story to get to that conclusion. My mum’s one of those. My mum would rather tell herself a story in which I am a jewelry thief running some sort of a heist, not for good diamonds, not for Chopard or Cartier diamonds, Elizabeth Duke at Argos, £10 necklaces. Fingering girls against my will. [retches] [audience laughs] All as part of the grand jewelry thief heist in a mental hospital. But you see how it happens. ‘Cause they had a thing when I was a kid called Section 28, where Margret Thatcher said that you couldn’t teach primary school kids that LGBT people exist. Not teach how to give blowies, or how to lick fannies, just that they exist. I’m not saying this to try and be right-on, but when they ban teaching things like that on the curriculum, I look back and think of the utter amount of bullshit that my teachers taught me at primary school. I went to a school where there was a crucifix on the wall of the assembly hall, there to there. Teacher told us that was the actual cross that Jesus died on. [audience laughs] “Why is Jesus one foot tall? “Why is Jesus one foot tall? Why is his final resting place Scotland?” I used to like to do this in class when I was five, if I was bored, right, just move my head from side to side. Something to do. And my teacher said, “You know, Fern, “that’s all well and good, “but the brain is attached to the top of the skull “and it gradually comes loose. “And the more you do that, the more likely it is “that your brain will collapse in your skull, killing you instantly.” Teachers are maniacs. I had the best year of my primary school career not being taught the curriculum. When I was eight years old, I had a teacher, Mr. Curran. Mr. Curran was drunk the entire school year. [audience laughs] If you’re a child, this doesn’t register. You just think, why is this adult more fun than all the other adults? [audience laughs] Didn’t teach us anything, just came in every day, sat us on the carpet and told us stories about walking his three-legged dog in the woods. [audience laughs] Now, one day he sat us all down and he said, “Kids, when I was walking my three-legged dog in the woods today, I found something very special.” And he had a shoebox in his lap. No. [laughs] [audience laughs] He just went, “Oh God.” [audience laughs] I don’t know what kinda school you went to, but this isn’t the point of the story where he’s like, “It’s my big willy!” [audience laughs] now suck it, bitches.” Get your mind out of the gutter, ’cause something beautiful is about to happen. He says, “I found a little badger.” I swear to God, he opened the shoebox and a badger come out. So beautiful. Greatest thing that had happened in my childhood at that point. Every day for a year, didn’t do any arithmetic, didn’t do any handwriting, just had this drunk guy stoating about with a badger in a box. [audience laughs] One day he said, “Listen, kids, I’m going out the classroom for a bit, you’re eight, you can take care of yourselves. While I’m down the pub, do not get Mr. Badger out his box, he’s a wild animal, I’ll get him out when I come back.” II was a very good kid,. However, I sat next to two very nasty boys, Lee and Kevin, they’re definitely in prison now. [audience laughs] And I said to them, “I love having Mr. Badger in class. I think he’s the best thing to happen at primary four.” Lee and Kevin turned to me. This is hard to say. They said, “That’s… That’s no a badger, that’s a fucking puppet in a box, you fanny.” [audience laughs] [Fern gags] Do you know in “The Matrix,” when Neo finds out reality isn’t real. [audience laughs] I felt my vision go black. The room starts spinning around me, I’m shaking my head uncontrollably. “No, no, no man.” Reliving the past year of my life, looking in Mr. Badger’s very real eyes. Hanging out with him every day. I said, “Guys, I’m eight. I’m not stupid, that’s a real badger.” I said, “I’ll go to the front of the class now, I wouldn’t normally do this, but I’ll go to the front of the class and I’ll take him out his box, and I’ll show you all he’s real.” They went, “You’re a fucking spoon.” [audience laughs] If this does go to America, there’s no way of translating that. [audience laughs] Went to the front of the class, I stood in front of the box. Fuck. Took all my strength to open it and look inside. Looked down. 100% a glove puppet on a pile of dead leaves. The whole school knoew except for me. [audience laughs] If you think my comedy’s dark and cynical, that is the moment all hope died in my life. And they still won’t teach primary school kids that LGBT people are real. I spent a year talking to a badger that doesn’t exist. [audience laughs] A week after this, I overheard our art teacher, Miss Christie, telling one of the other teachers as if we couldn’t hear, “Oh yes, they let go of Jim Curran last week. It turns out he was drinking heavily on the job.” And those two boys from earlier just turned to me and went, “Aye Fern, guess what, we saw him walking his dog in town. It’s got four legs.” [audience laughs] Twist the knife in, why don’t you? People in power just lie to you. [audience laughs] I think people are getting more progressive on sexuality, ’cause I get a lot of younger people coming to my tour shows and they’re so cool in terms of seeing sexuality as a spectrum. And I think it’s great. And I says to my wee boyfriend, “Now people view it this way, could you be anywhere else on the Kinsey scale of sexuality?” And he answered real earnestly. He was like, “I’ve thought about it, but I honestly don’t think I want to suck a dick.” [audience laughs] I was like, “Connor, no one likes to suck a dick. [audience laughs] It’s just the polite thing to do.” [audience laughs] Again, picking up more women laughing at that than men. Very often one woman starts to clap. And do you know why? It’s always ’cause her jaw is too sore to laugh. And that’s a big difference between men and women, I never went in for material on the difference between men and women, but women are definitely taught to be dead nice and polite, especially in sexual situations. And you saw where that became a problem during the whole Me Too thing, where there was all of these– A lot of my male friends, during the Me Too, were like, “Well, see when a guy starts wanking in front of a woman, and she doesn’t like it, why doesn’t she just boot him in the balls and walk off?” ‘Cause women are taught to be nice and polite. And I’ll give you an example. When I was 15, I was kissing this Italian guy, round the back of a disco. Chaste little kisses, no fingering. Out of nowhere, he got his lad out and started wanking in front of me, right, enthusiastically. Horrifying. Never seen a live penis before in my life. Prior to this, only ever seen a badger coming out a box. [audience laughs] But I didn’t show I was horrified, ’cause I knew instinctively you’ve to smile, and not offend the man. So that was exactly what I did, Just stood back like, “Ah, very good. [claps] “I don’t want to touch it. No, I might just keep smiling at you and walk away.” I was like, “Can he walk and wank at the same time? Yes he can!” [audience laughs] Do you know how horrifying it is that the first time you see jizz is when it’s arcing after you like ectoplasm, while an Italian guy chases you? “Suck this, bella.” Jizz is disgusting, right? I don’t want to sugar coat it for you. I mean I do, I wish I could. [audience laughs] Wish I could. Jizz is disgusting, but women don’t say it, ’cause we’re very polite and every porno treats it like its mana from heaven. Ah, ah ♪ Mm, Danone [audience laughs] Girls get taught to improvise their way. It’s so wonderful seeing couples look at each other during this. [audience laughs] Girls get taught to improvise their way around jizz politely quite early on in life. As soon as all my female friends got their first boyfriends they would be like, “Ladies, if his cum tastes disgusting have you tried getting him to eat pineapple?” [audience laughs] A few women that have heard that in here. This just shows how unfair things are between the sexes. Why is he the one getting to eat pineapple? Why am I not getting it, like the delicious chaser to a disgusting shot? [audience laughs] Then the number of male friends I have are like, “Well you know, semen is actually, Women should swallow, because semen’s full of amino acids and minerals and protein, so it’s good for you.” Good for you? Alright, Gialliam McKeith. [audience laughs] Good for you? You know, period blood has loads of iron in it.” [audience laughs] but I’ve never said to a guy, “Baby, you’re looking kind of anemic. [audience laughs] Bon appetit.” I’m really interested in how much women are taught to be polite, and I’ll tell you where I see it a lot is on social media. ‘Cause I started getting more people sliding into my DMs on Instagram and stuff. And women are always really polite. They’re actually almost too polite. ‘Cause they always open with the same thing. It’s always things like, “Hey, hope I’m not being creepy but…” And the men never open this way. And they’re always creepy. It’s always something like, “I want to be your slave and suck on your tits “and call you Mum. Want to see a picture of my pet snake?” [audience laughs] Then women are like, “Hey, hope I’m not being creepy but, but where did your shoes from?” [audience laughs] This is how different my messages from men and women. On Easter Sunday I got a message from a woman that didn’t know me and a guy that didn’t know me. And the woman was like, “Hey, hope I’m not being creepy, “but since it’s Easter, “here’s a picture of my pet bunny rabbit “surrounded by chocolate eggs. Have a lovely day.” [audience laughs] It’s not creepy, but I can see a lot of you are like, “What a cunt.” A guy messaged at the same time. No words. Just a picture of his erect penis, next to a picture of Scottish comedian, Fern Brady. Then as an afterthought, he wrote, “Greetings from Nova Scotia.” Well, that is the worst postcard I’m ever gonna receive. [audience laughs] Look, I don’t wanna be anti-men by any measure. I mean I absolutely do, but I also want to be more marketable [audience laughs] Shrewd businesswoman. Sometimes you send messages that are well intentioned, and then they degenerate midway through. A man messaged me, it opened with, “Hello Ms. Brady, “was enjoying clips of your comedy on YouTube and then your beauty became more apparent.” [Fern leers] Cool. Yeah. That’s really the kind of beauty every woman longs for, isn’t it? Gradually apparent beauty. [audience laughs] Wouldn’t want any of that obvious beauty. I want beauty that dawns on me over time, coming into place like a “Magic Eye” picture. [audience laughs] And a big part of being a girl doing this is you get a lot of feedback, not on your jokes, but on whether people do or don’t want to pump you. So I woke up in a good mood recently, and I had a message on my Facebook comedy page, that was from a man in Slovakia. And the message was simple. It said, “Hey, you suck, and you look like a potato.” [audience laughs] Devastating to find out the real reason my Irish boyfriend is attracted to me. [audience laughs] Text my boyfriend, upset, and he went, “The most beautiful potato I’ve ever seen.” [audience laughs] Went on for four months. He messaged me, he messaged my agent, he messaged a few comedians, the message was always the same, “Fern Brady looks like a potato.” Every time I told my– This is the worst thing. Any time I told my friends, they all had the same answer. The answer was never, “It’s okay, you don’t look like a potato.” They all said the same thing. Every single one of them went, “Well, I love potatoes.” That’s how you know body positivity has gone too far. Just lie and say I don’t look like a potato in a wig. The whole thing of worrying about looks for women is getting worse, and I hate it. ‘Cause it’s not a personality trait, and I was a really ugly child, so I know how horrible people are to you when you’re not cute. I had big thick milk bottle glasses. I had a mullet, aand I had a mustache by the age of ten, big ol’ mustache. Everyone in school bullied me, “Mustache you a question. Mustache you a question, badger girl.” [audience laughs] Whenever I cried to Mum about it she was like, ‘”They’re just jealous. They’re just jealous, darling.” “Are you just pulling random parenting advice out a book? Jealous of what? Jealous that I look like a Cuban revolutionary at the age of 10?” [audience laughs] Now, especially when you’re a woman going about her day, not even thinking, about how you look. and a man feels the need to comment on your beauty. I’m talking about catcalling, but I feel like catcalling isn’t that bad in Scotland. I think ’cause Scottish men have an innate sense of Scottish women’s tendency towards sudden violence. [audience laughs] But I was walking round London recently, during the day, minding my own business. I walked down an alleyway. A man came out a sexual health clinic, straight away I’m not making eye contact. And I could just sense he was gonna say something. And he went, “Hey, beautiful, wanna suck my dick?” [Fern groans] Some of youse are baffled by this, but there’s definitely women in the audience, yeah, you’ve had that happen to you, right? Any woman that’s had this happen to them will know there’s no point getting angry at the man. There’s no point saying anything. I was eating some chips at the time he said this. So as soon as he shouted at me, I knew what to do. I started to silently spray the chips I was eating [blows a raspberry] outta my mouth, maintaining direct eye the entire time. [blows a raspberry] “Is this beautiful now?” Women in the audience, that’s what you have to do. Make your cat-caller regret that he ever said a word to what is clearly a very disturbed individual. I’ll stop at nothing. I’ve had guys shout at me out of passing cars, for a laugh. And then the car will pull up in traffic, and I will snot into my hand and drag it down the windscreen. [audience laughs] “Still want me to cheer up?” [audience laughs] My boyfriend’s always like, “Oh Fern, you’re going to die in a knife fight with one of these men.” Good. [audience laughs] Maybe then I’ll become the patron saint of catcalling. People will start treating it like an actual problem. I’m just tired of it. And I’m very tired generally. I’ve been tired for the last two years, and I don’t like complaining to youse about it, because it’s unprofessional. So as a life hack now, anytime I’m extremely tired I’ll go, “No Fern, no, you think you’re tired now, but think how tired you’d be if you had a baby.” [laughs] Then I go back to sleep. This is a form of practicing gratitude that I think I invented. I realized… A year ago I realized there’s no bad situation in my life that cannot be improved by me imagining I have a baby then I go back to not having a baby. [audience laughs] Try it. Look, it only works if you don’t have a baby. If youse do have a baby, I’m sure it’s a magical life affirming experience. You love it against your will. Sounds great. [audience laughs] This is nuts, though. So, I’d always hated babies. And then last year, overnight, babies everywhere started to look cracking to me. Not in the– That sounded like I fancied babies. [audience laughs] No man, babies started to look so beautiful, and pure, and amazing. And I was like, “I want a baby.” This is so fucked up. Intellectually, I do not want a baby. I think it’s a shit idea and I’d like to keep my lovely money to myself. But my body is at that sexy age where it’s trying to trick me into having a baby. And it’s a level of conflict I never thought I would feel. It’s the level of conflict people like Arlene Foster must feel every time they’re flicking through the ladies bras section of a catalog, or checking out Nicola Sturgeon’s holiday pics on Facebook. “Bad Arlene, no bad. Pray the gay away.” [audience laughs] Conflict. My brain don’t wanna have a baby, but my body do. And my body tries to trick me by making me think things like, “But Fern, if you had a baby it would be like a friend that could never leave.” [audience laughs] Oh aye, youse know what I’m on about. Oh aye. Imagine being so lonely you have to shag your friends into existence. ‘Cause when you’re honest, that’s all a family is. Like all the family’s looking at each other. That’s all a family is. Run out of pals, make new ones out your hole, like magic. [audience laughs] There’ll be obligated to socialize with you, at least on Mothers’ Day. I love babies, I can’t stop staring at babies in cafes right now. And people see me staring at babies, and they think that means I’m actively trying to get pregnant. I’m not, I’m riding these thoughts out til menopause, fingers crossed. [audience laughs] but I was staring at a baby in a cafe, and this woman I know, quite smug woman said, “Well Fern, if you’re thinking of having a baby, have you had a fertility test?” “And I was like, in a sense, yes. If that’s what you want to call abortion.” [laughs] Really, the fertility test I never knew I wanted. I knew it was going to play that way in this room. [audience laughs] Whenever women speak out about having one they always feel the need to caveat it by saying, “I had one, but its a had decision to make. Really it’s the hardest decision any woman can make.” The hardest decision with mine was they said, “You can have one in Leeds, Ms. Brady, or you can have one much sooner in Doncaster.” “I’m sorry, is this The Jeremy Kyle Show?” Am I, fuck, having an abortion in Doncaster, this baby will die with dignity [audience laughs] in one of the financial centers of the UK, Leeds, thank you. I did a charity gig for an abortion rights group recently. It’s not an easy cause to raise money for. And I thought, this is going to be cracking. I did, I thought, back-to-back abortion jokes all night, I’ll be with my own people, what a laugh we’ll have. These bitches. [audience laughs] I don’t want to be mean, but these bitches put me on 90 minutes late on stage. I don’t know how much you know the comedy world, that’s very late indeed. Now I couldn’t help thinking, I don’t want to be horrible, this lack of organization in their general lives was really what led to them [mumbles]. And I’m very pro-choice. Getting a part-time, baby soon. That’s going to be great. My brother and his wife are having a baby. I’m so excited, man. And I’ve been buying gifts for it. I’ve never bought baby gifts before. Do youse know how much rubbish you can buy a baby that’s unnecessary? There’s so much stuff that babies don’t need. You can buy formal wear for babies. Little three piece suits for babies, youse know, little prom dresses for tiny little babies. I says to my boyfriend, “Why do they need little three piece suits?” And he went, “Well, because they might have a wedding to attend.” [audience laughs] Shut up, as if anyone at the wedding’s going to be like, “Have you seen the state of Charles? “He showed up his whole family by coming here dressed as a fluffy teddy bear.” Which, by the way, is what babies should dress as. I’m always worried, about having a baby ’cause I think it’s just going to disappoint me. It’s going to disappoint me in a huge way by becoming a murderer, or just a banal way by becoming a recruitment consultant. [audience laughs] And I see a lot of my pals having babies now and I find it very moving. And then I’ll see just acquaintances that I hate-follow on Facebook and I think, you’re just doing that to fill the time between now and death. [audience laughs] It’s interesting, the things we do to fill the time between now and death. Some of youse came to this show. [audience laughs] That was a mistake. But I thought for ages, if I can get what I want in comedy, that’s going to fill the emptiness. Then I got everything I wanted last year. I got all the work, I did a gig at Sydney Opera House. And I felt fucking nothing. [audience laughs] Then I went back to the hotel and I watched videos of a pig in a wig [audience laughs] and I felt happy. [audience laughs] And I realized, it’s small things make you happy. The pursuit of other stuff is pointless, right? But I’m not going to have a baby for a very specific reason. A big reason that’s putting me off is, when I was growing up, I’m from a town called Bathgate, Lewis Capaldi and Susan Boyle are from there, so that’s how we look in that town, right? [audience laughs] It’s so cool they’re doing well, ’cause it’s limited options in Bathgate, especially if you’re a woman with opinions. If you’re a girl at my school you get two options for work experience and they are childcare or beauty therapy. That’s literally the Madonna and the whore thing right there, isn’t it? Take care of kids or look pretty, don’t do anything else. And that’s why I don’t want to have a baby. And any time I see comments on social media going, “Why does such a nice girl have to say such horrible things on stage?” I think, good, good, I’m doing my job. I’m staying away from my Bathgate destiny. I’m going to keep being that mad Scottish woman who does comedy. Youse have all been amazing. Thanks very much for coming to my show. I’ve been Fern Brady, goodnight. [audience cheers] [electricity buzzes] [energetic music] [bird squawks] [Man] Thank you very much. | [electricity buzzes] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage it’s Fern Brady. [audience cheers] Hello. [audience cheers] Aw. This is so exciting. One of the most exciting things about this is over the last year, I’ve got my own audience. and I never used to have my own audience. In fact, for the first ten years of doing comedy people actively hated me. [audience laughs] And now I have my own audience. [audience cheers] I always wondered what you would be like. I was like “Will it be cool people? Will it be hipsters?” You’re not. [audience laughs] It’s such a specific type of person. If I was to tell you that the type of men who come to see my shows are whenever I look at their Facebook profile pictures they always seem to be shyly holding their pet snake and smiling at the camera. That’s the type of guys that like me, guys with pet snakes, and women who, when I look at their last social media posts, have always written something like, “Wish I had the strength to hurt myself tonight.” [audience laughs] These are quite intense people. [audience laughs] And I got recognized recently, this was really exciting. I was in Southampton and the taxi driver said, “Hey, don’t I know you?” And I was like, “Yeah.” He went, “You’re that mad Scottish woman who does comedy.” What a USP! He put mad first, and he put comedy last, and there’s a very good reason for that. I think if you’re a woman doing this people still think that I haven’t planned everything I’m going to say. People still look at me and go, “Well, that’s just a mentally ill woman “that’s been allowed on stage. Why is she embarrassing herself like that?” Whereas Boris Johnson doesn’t even need to brush his hair and gets to be in charge of the country. Do you know why? ‘Cause he’s got a posh English accent and he’s a guy. Posh English accents get you everywhere Prince Andrew gets to be in a pedophile ring, not that that’s something I’m aspiring to, because he has a posh english accent He basically admitted to being a pedo on a Newsnight interview that couldn’t have been more of a car crash unless Prince Philip was driving! And he gets away with it. I’m gonna make reasonable points during this show and youse’ll just laugh. Why? Because I’m a Scottish working class woman. [women in audience whoop] Thanks. [laughs] But I live in England, so I get treated like I’m a halfwit or a man from prison. It’s terrible being an intelligent woman trapped in a Scottish accent and living in England. [audience laughs] I didn’t know this was my voice till I moved to England, right? In my head, I talk like Stephen Fry, and then moved down south and started going into shops and people just looked at me like a dog was barking at them. So, I’ve lived there for ten years, and it’s largely great, the shops are open for ages. But one of the hardest things is every day for the last decade what my English friends love to do to me is repeat what I’m saying back at me in a bad Scottish accent. And they always have a look in their eyes like, “She is gonna love when I do this.” [audience laughs] Every day. I’ve got one friend that does it all the time, her name’s Haley. She’s always like, “Fern, “this is my impression of you, ‘Hello, I’m Fern Brady!'” [chuckles] Thanks, Haley, I feel so comfortable. This is my impression of you, “Please don’t tell everybody about the time I gave everybody at Uni chalmydia.” [fakes laughter] Sorry. Sorry, still not getting that Cockney accent, you fucking cow. [audience laughs] I never really thought much about being Scottish, and then I moved to England and then I became Scottish Fern. And then you realize that you’re meant to live up to this cartoon version of Scottishness, where you’re aggressive, a drunk, allergic to salad, right? Youse all know the drill. It’s hard for me to live up to this, right, ’cause I’m quite quiet offstage, salad, can’t get enough of it. I was considered almost quite middle class growing up here. Scottish middle class, not English middle class, right? Scottish middle class is where you’ve been on a plane once and Mum makes you eat fruit regularly. [audience laughs] Don’t like drinking either. This is quite a weird thing to say as a Scottish person and a professional comedian, I don’t like alcohol. And not because I’m a recovering alch-y or anything, I just don’t need to drink to make me blunt and offensive in social situations. [audience laughs] Guys, that is a gift that I have naturally. Here’s another thing, be jealous immediately. Never needed alcohol ♪ To make me a slut [audience laughs] I seemed to accept early on in life I enjoy pumping sea monsters, why bother with the health risks of alcohol? [audience laughs] Big-time stoner, who needs memories? Turns out me, for this job. [audience laughs] Oh man, I love to smoke joints. But I’ve had to quit it for the sake of my job, because my memory was getting so bad I had to Google the phrase “double bike” ’cause I no longer knew the word for tandem. [audience laughs] I’d been smoking heavily for like a year, and I was like, “All that stuff about memories is just government conspiracy theories” And then I went to say the name of… I’ve been going out with the same person for eight years, so I know his name, right, his name’s Connor. I went to say his name, and I thought, is this cunt even called Connor? Who knows? Just act confident. [audience laughs] See, when I was growing up, whenever I saw Scottish comedy on telly, it seemed to rely on slagging off Scotland. And it was the kind of schtick that was like, “Oh, aren’t we all just fat, illiterate bastards, “eating chips out a bin? [audience laughs] Ha, ha, ha.” That’s what it was, right, I don’t like slagging off Scotland, I’m not comfortable with it, apart from one crucial thing And that is the world of Scottish amateur pornography. [audience laughs] Which I made the terrible mistake of watching. This is a real category of porn, I’m not making it up for the show. Don’t watch it. But a lot of you are drinking. You seen it? [audience laughs] He’s cheersing, he’s seen it. Scottish porn’s the most depressing porn I’ve ever seen. Comes a close second to Russian porn, and at least in that they’re skinny but its in that bleak “We did this for a piece of bread” kinda way. [audience laughs] I’ve watched literally every Scottish porn on the internet for the purposes of this show. Some of the clips you’re like, “How can I even tell these people are Scottish, there’s not much dialogue?” Let me tell you, I knew. With a depressing inevitability, I knew my own people, ’cause it was just pale, hairy, white bellies smashing against each other in close-up, like water balloons filled with yogurt. [audience laughs] Every few seconds, a wee voice off-camera would go, “Oh, Aye.” [gags] Or, memorably, “Tug on my pubes, Rona.” [audience laughs] I clicked on this PornHub clip, it said, “Scottish girl fucked in London.” When I put it on, literally just footage of me paying £1,000 a month to live in a basement. And I watch amateur stuff, rather than slickly shot, professional stuff, ’cause it’s more ethical. That’s what a hipster I am. It’s more ethical. What they lack in muscle tone or symmetrical facial features they make up for with a large degree of enthusiasm. [audience laughs] Youse know what I mean, I can see you as you sit here. I’ve had to stop watching it and go back to the professional stuff, I’ll tell you why. Firstly, can’t control the soundtracks in people’s homemade sex tapes. I had to turn off someone’s amateur porno ’cause they were playing the song “Everybody’s Changing” by Keane in the background. Oh, which will come first, climax or me killing myself? [audience laughs] And here’s another thing, I don’t judge any of you if you want to make a sex tape, but for the love of God, would you lock up the pets before that? [audience laughs] Do you know the number of times I’ve just sadly closed my laptop during a porno ’cause there’s been a couple pumping away in the foreground, really happy, really oblivious to just the sight of their proud cat sauntering in the background, “Meow, this is my time to shine!” I put one on the other day, it had a couple were just dry humping, American college amateurs. And in the background there was just a sad little yorkshire terrier. Dogs are pure innocence and goodness, just looking at them like, “Please take me a walk.” I watch lesbian porn, mostly, ’cause straight porn is largely made for straight men. So it will have these blowjob scenes that go on for 10 to 15, to 20 minutes. Well why don’t I just watch someone file a tax return? [audience laughs] Men in the audience, do you hear how many more lady laughs are coming after that bit? I have a list of little tasks that I need to get done round the house, and the one that never gets done, and I feel bad about it every day, I always think about it, whenever I put a porn on, I’m at the beginning of a wank, it’s another fantastic day as a self-employed lady. I think, it’d take you seconds to put some Blu Tack or a bit of tape over the camera of your laptop, and you never do it. And one day someone’s going to hack into my laptop and steal footage of me wanking. That’s a thing, yeah. Then it’s career over, or the start of a glorious new career. [audience laughs] This is what stops me doing it, I think, Fern, don’t flatter yourself. Realistically, who’s going to want to watch footage of a 33-year-old woman in full winter pajamas sheets pulled up to my chin– ’cause I’m a Catholic. [audience laughs] Don’t want Jesus to see. Or my dead grandparents, dirty voyeurs. [audience laughs] Triple chins, just. [audience laughs] Completely dead-eyed Who needs facial expressions, man. Facial expressions are for when you’re with other people. [audience laughs] There’s a market for that. There’s a market for dead-eyed Scottish women in porn. I know it. Whenever I get asked to describe my comedy, I always say it is accessible, observational stuff, suitable for the whole family, right? [audience laughs] Then you start reading descriptions of yourself over the years. Mine’s are always consistent, they’re always, “Blunt, brutal, forthright.” I don’t read reviews, but I, say one by accident recently. it opened with, “Fern Brady scares me.” [audience laughs] That was a nice review. Who’s this scary woman they’re talking about? I’m a lovable, nice girl. And I’d always wondered why people thought I was aloof, and then I was doing a show in Berlin and a woman came up to me at the end and she said, “Just so you know your entire set is a description of a woman with Asperger’s, you should look into it.” [audience laughs] One guy just laughed then like, “Oh, thank God, she realizes.” [audience laughs] It was the tenth person that had said it to me. One of them was me into the mirror every day. Looked into it, started getting diagnosed. I’ll be honest, guys. It’s not a huge surprise, I’ve always felt like an alien trapped in a beautiful woman’s body. The rest of the show isn’t a poignant unpacking of the diagnosis and how I came to terms with it, and then we all have a little cry, no. [audience laughs] I’ll just tell you where it affects me, right. I thought it’d be cracking to get to a point in comedy. where people recognize you for your comedy and say they like your stuff. Then it started happening and I was like, “Oh, I forgot, I don’t have any social skills offstage.” A guy came up to me in the airport. He was like, “Hey, I’ve seen you on YouTube, I really like your stuff.” In my head when this happens, I’m always like, “Ah, thank you so much.” The way I responded, to this guy however was by silently holding out both my hands, and holding both his hands, and just smiling into his face dementedly, like Kate Middleton when she meets a heroin addict at the opening of community center. Don’t let that put you off chatting to me after, just know I’ve been coached in how to talk to you by my autism therapist, Jemima. [audience laughs] I’m not good at being diplomatic, that’s my problem. And it led to me having my first scandal in comedy in the last year. Dead exciting to have a scandal as a comedian. Mine started ’cause I was doing some material about a political party called the DUP. Now, some of you know who they are, if you don’t, they’re these Northern Irish Christian politicians. They hate women and gay people, even though their leader is a stone butch lesbian who doesn’t realize she’s gay yet. [audience laughs] And her name is Arlene Foster, gay marriage was illegal in Northern Ireland until I started touring this show, coincidence? [audience laughs] I think not. I did some material about Arlene Foster, saying she was a homophobe, ’cause she was secretly gay, and I then performed it on a little known channel called BBC One. [audience laughs] The BBC lawyers checked it, I thought I was fine. And then the program came out two days later, and I was made aware of a newspaper story in “The Belfast Telegraph–” [fake coughs] Protestant newspaper. [audience laughs] This is for an American audience, but I couldn’t help being like, “We’ll do some sectarianism for the Glasgow audience.” [audience laughs] “Belfast Telegraph” did a newspaper story with the headline, “The DUP demand an apology from the BBC over comedian’s gay jibes.” And then there was an unflattering picture of me. [audience laughs] I was very excited. But my agent, Chris, he’s always trying to control what I do on Facebook and Twitter, ’cause I’m what the industry would call “a liability.” [audience laughs] He got on the phone straight away, “Don’t get into an argument with these politicians. “They’re not messing about, they’ll shoot your knees off. Stay off Twitter, stay off the internet for one day.” “Okay, Daddy, I’ll be good.” In my head I’m like, “I haven’t felt this alive in years.” [audience laughs] I get off the phone, I went on Twitter immediately. I put up a link to the thing demanding I apologize to Arlene and I wrote underneath, “I will apologize to Arlene Foster “as soon as she licks my vag and looks disgusted. [audience laughs] “I’ll make no further comments to the press, ’cause I’m a very private person.” [audience laughs] So I’m feeling alive. I’m feeling good. The only thing that bothered me about this story was the way I found out about it. And the way I found out was, a gay guy in Northern Ireland tweeted me. And he tweeted me trying to cancel me, ’cause he was furious at me. And he said, “How dare you say Arlene Foster is secretly gay just because she’s a homophobe?” Well, can I just be honest? I think all vocal homophobes turn out to be gay in the end. It is just a waiting game, Vladimir Putin, hello. [audience laughs] Then he said, “Butch lesbians are never a punchline.” That got to me. And then he said, “Stay in your fucking lane.” I was like, “Oh. Stay in my fucking lane?” I’ve never been so happy to reply in my life. My hands are shaking. I’m like, “Mate, if you’re trying to say “that I hate butch lesbians, “someone needs to tell all the butch lesbians I’ve dated, ’cause I’m a bisexual.” Oh, game, set, and match. I know, one clap for bisexuality in a Scottish audience, doesn’t surprise me. Didn’t want to say I was bisexual on Twitter or anywhere. Like, see, if I’m honest Scotland is barely on board with smashed avocado, never mind alternative sexual orientations. It’s not just us, a big part of being a bisexual is constantly being told you’re not a bisexual, you’re going through a phase, you’re just whimsical. Oh, aye that’s me, whimsy to a T. [audience laughs] So for years I tried to get on board with the idea I was a straight woman that just had sex with an awful lot of women. Never thought I was a bisexual, I just thought I was a legend. [audience laughs] Thanks for your support. But this guy tweets me trying to say I hate butch women, obviously I know I don’t, but straight away I have to publicly beat him in the Twitter agruement, don’t I? I have to prove him wrong publicly. And the only way I can do that right here, right now would be to have a three-way with a butch lady and a very timid little Irish man that I’m in a long-term relationship with. Aye, I go out with a man, and I know when you see that there’s gonna be some of you who going, “Oh, good, good, she’s been restored to factory settings.” [audience laughs] Look, it wouldn’t matter, what gender my partner is he is a civil servant who was born an old man, right? He’s a very vanilla-type person. And for his birthday, I said, “Listen, you can have whatever you want, “you can have whatever you want, baby. I got money now.” He went, “Can I have a shoe polishing kit with both black and brown shoe polish?” Live your dreams. Can you imagine having a three-way with that? He’d only embarrass himself. I’d be working away on some woman being incredible. He’d be sitting at the end of the bed crying. Putting us off, tears dripping onto his little shoes as he silently buffed them. [audience laughs] I have an incredibly settled home life, right, and it’s nice, but I wish it was more exciting sometimes. And the other day I was talking to this comedian, she’s much cooler than me and she has a really cool dating life. And she said, “Oh, so I’m dating Jack and his girlfriend now, I’m in a thrupple.” Like she was getting a new kitchen. And for some reason, to keep up with the Joneses, I said “Connor and I are thinking of becoming a thrupple.” Went home that night, sitting in bed next to him, he’s reading the latest interest rates on MoneySavingExpert.com. [audience laughs] And I said, “Connor, do you think… Can we maybe get a new boyfriend or girlfriend?” He went, “Which one of your bohemian friends “have you been talking to now? What do you want to be in a thrupple for?” I went, “Well, maybe then you’d have someone to go to Parkrun with, ’cause I hate it.” He went “Fern, I’ve told you, “stop asking me deviant things. “You have this idea of yourself in your head “that you’re not mad slag that loves shagging, “when really you just like coming home to me having dinner and cuddling. I went, “Okay. “Can we get a cat? [audience laughs] “Can we get a cat and not fuck it? Just a pet cat.” When people talk about compromising in a long-term relationship, that’s the kind of thing they’re talking about. You start off with high aspirations– thrupple, three-ways, it descends to a pet that you don’t even want. I like dogs, now we’re getting a cat. Anyway, I thought, I can’t criticize Arlene Foster for being closeted and not say I’ve had a few women in my time myself. So I says I was bi properly, and this time I did it during a standup set on telly. And as I said it, I felt sick. I felt really nervous about saying it. But everyone started clapping me for being a brave girl, they were very woke and progressive. And I was thinking, stop clapping me for being brave, fuck off, man, it’s only half gay, so it’s only half brave. I was thinking, everyone I went to school with is going to see this on telly, and slag me off, and say, “She’s just doing this ’cause it’s the easiest way of being a woke hipster.” It’s easier than becoming a vegan and I’m a vegetarian which is the bisexuality of diets. [audience laughs] And that’s how Mum and Dad found out was they saw me talking about it on telly. Imagine that’s how your mum finds out about all that, right? What all that is. That’s me fingering an unbelieveably tall lady. [audience laughs] My mum phoned me up to ask me about it after the program came out. And she asked me about it the way only a Scottish Catholic mother does, which is by not asking you for about ten minutes of the phone call. It was just a series of disconnected facts. “Hello, Fern, I made a carrot cake today. “Then I went to Zumba. Then I picked sweet peas in the garden.” Then there was this terrible pause, and I knew what was coming. She went, “Fern, are you bisexual?” Imagine if that was how Holly Willoughby asked Phillip Schofield… The Scottish way, by screaming it in his face. I was like, “Yeah, Mum, and you told me it was disgusting the first time you found out.” “No, I didn’t, how dare you? “Anyway, I’ve changed since you were a teenager. ‘Cause I’ve seen the musical “Kinky Boots.” [audience laughs] and that changed everything.” Isn’t that amazing, that art can move people in profound ways? One of Broadway’s shittest musicals, “Kinky Boots,” turned my mum from being a homophobe into someone who pretends not to be a homophobe. [audience laughs] And I go out with women that are like my mum. They’re always quite intense. They’re always fucking mental. And I really judge men who say they’re always going out with mental women, I think it’s quite misogynistic. So can I just say at this point in the show I met my first girlfriend in a mental hospital, so she was fucking mental. [audience laughs] Diagnosed, we both were, it was a great match. Her name was Rita, she was a tiny little skinhead butch. We were both 16-year-olds in a mental hospital, you know how it goes when you’re teens. [audience laughs] You read Sylvia Plath, you go in a mental hospital. Rita used to write me these love letters that would open with things like, “Who’s the funniest girl in all of Willow Grove’s “children and adolescent psychiatric daycare unit? “It’s Fern Brady. “Who makes the best potato prints about her feelings in occupational therapy on Thursdays with Nurse Linda?” That’s right, this guy. [audience laughs] And then there was a terrible drawing of some palm trees on a beach done in crayon. And it said, “When I look into this lassie’s eyes “across group therapy with that bitch Nurse Fiona, “I can see the sun setting on a beach. and it’s all because of…” [audience] Fern Brady. That’s right! What a cracking lover I am. So, Rita had given me this wonderful necklace, along with a letter. The necklace was a very classy necklace from the Elizabeth Duke at Argos range. [audience laughs] Oh good, some scum get that reference. [laughs] Posh people of Glasgow, Elizabeth Duke at Argos was a range of jewelry where working class people could express earnest emotions at a fantastic price. [audience laughs] Rita gave me this necklace, it said something on it like, “Love lasts forever.” Which in Rita’s voice, I definitely heard as a threat. [audience laughs] And my mum found the letter and the necklace when I was 16 and she went nuts at me. She was like, “This is disgusting. This is vile.” I was mortified like, “Well, this is how “she finds out I’ve been fingering girls in a mental unit on my lunch break.” I like how non-judgemental you guys are about that. Youse understand there’s not much to do in women’s psychiatric units. You learn to finger-bang, and you learn to play pool to an incredibly high standard. Then Mum stopped shouting at me and she went, “Fern, what upsets me the most is I just cannot believe “you would pretend to like other girls in order to steal their jewelry.” [audience laughs] Excuse me? Now, a few of youse know what’s going on at this point, right. There’s a type of person who sees the whole world as straight, and then they tell themselves any story to get to that conclusion. My mum’s one of those. My mum would rather tell herself a story in which I am a jewelry thief running some sort of a heist, not for good diamonds, not for Chopard or Cartier diamonds, Elizabeth Duke at Argos, £10 necklaces. Fingering girls against my will. [retches] [audience laughs] All as part of the grand jewelry thief heist in a mental hospital. But you see how it happens. ‘Cause they had a thing when I was a kid called Section 28, where Margret Thatcher said that you couldn’t teach primary school kids that LGBT people exist. Not teach how to give blowies, or how to lick fannies, just that they exist. I’m not saying this to try and be right-on, but when they ban teaching things like that on the curriculum, I look back and think of the utter amount of bullshit that my teachers taught me at primary school. I went to a school where there was a crucifix on the wall of the assembly hall, there to there. Teacher told us that was the actual cross that Jesus died on. [audience laughs] “Why is Jesus one foot tall? “Why is Jesus one foot tall? Why is his final resting place Scotland?” I used to like to do this in class when I was five, if I was bored, right, just move my head from side to side. Something to do. And my teacher said, “You know, Fern, “that’s all well and good, “but the brain is attached to the top of the skull “and it gradually comes loose. “And the more you do that, the more likely it is “that your brain will collapse in your skull, killing you instantly.” Teachers are maniacs. I had the best year of my primary school career not being taught the curriculum. When I was eight years old, I had a teacher, Mr. Curran. Mr. Curran was drunk the entire school year. [audience laughs] If you’re a child, this doesn’t register. You just think, why is this adult more fun than all the other adults? [audience laughs] Didn’t teach us anything, just came in every day, sat us on the carpet and told us stories about walking his three-legged dog in the woods. [audience laughs] Now, one day he sat us all down and he said, “Kids, when I was walking my three-legged dog in the woods today, I found something very special.” And he had a shoebox in his lap. No. [laughs] [audience laughs] He just went, “Oh God.” [audience laughs] I don’t know what kinda school you went to, but this isn’t the point of the story where he’s like, “It’s my big willy!” [audience laughs] now suck it, bitches.” Get your mind out of the gutter, ’cause something beautiful is about to happen. He says, “I found a little badger.” I swear to God, he opened the shoebox and a badger come out. So beautiful. Greatest thing that had happened in my childhood at that point. Every day for a year, didn’t do any arithmetic, didn’t do any handwriting, just had this drunk guy stoating about with a badger in a box. [audience laughs] One day he said, “Listen, kids, I’m going out the classroom for a bit, you’re eight, you can take care of yourselves. While I’m down the pub, do not get Mr. Badger out his box, he’s a wild animal, I’ll get him out when I come back.” II was a very good kid,. However, I sat next to two very nasty boys, Lee and Kevin, they’re definitely in prison now. [audience laughs] And I said to them, “I love having Mr. Badger in class. I think he’s the best thing to happen at primary four.” Lee and Kevin turned to me. This is hard to say. They said, “That’s… That’s no a badger, that’s a fucking puppet in a box, you fanny.” [audience laughs] [Fern gags] Do you know in “The Matrix,” when Neo finds out reality isn’t real. [audience laughs] I felt my vision go black. The room starts spinning around me, I’m shaking my head uncontrollably. “No, no, no man.” Reliving the past year of my life, looking in Mr. Badger’s very real eyes. Hanging out with him every day. I said, “Guys, I’m eight. I’m not stupid, that’s a real badger.” I said, “I’ll go to the front of the class now, I wouldn’t normally do this, but I’ll go to the front of the class and I’ll take him out his box, and I’ll show you all he’s real.” They went, “You’re a fucking spoon.” [audience laughs] If this does go to America, there’s no way of translating that. [audience laughs] Went to the front of the class, I stood in front of the box. Fuck. Took all my strength to open it and look inside. Looked down. 100% a glove puppet on a pile of dead leaves. The whole school knoew except for me. [audience laughs] If you think my comedy’s dark and cynical, that is the moment all hope died in my life. And they still won’t teach primary school kids that LGBT people are real. I spent a year talking to a badger that doesn’t exist. [audience laughs] A week after this, I overheard our art teacher, Miss Christie, telling one of the other teachers as if we couldn’t hear, “Oh yes, they let go of Jim Curran last week. It turns out he was drinking heavily on the job.” And those two boys from earlier just turned to me and went, “Aye Fern, guess what, we saw him walking his dog in town. It’s got four legs.” [audience laughs] Twist the knife in, why don’t you? People in power just lie to you. [audience laughs] I think people are getting more progressive on sexuality, ’cause I get a lot of younger people coming to my tour shows and they’re so cool in terms of seeing sexuality as a spectrum. And I think it’s great. And I says to my wee boyfriend, “Now people view it this way, could you be anywhere else on the Kinsey scale of sexuality?” And he answered real earnestly. He was like, “I’ve thought about it, but I honestly don’t think I want to suck a dick.” [audience laughs] I was like, “Connor, no one likes to suck a dick. [audience laughs] It’s just the polite thing to do.” [audience laughs] Again, picking up more women laughing at that than men. Very often one woman starts to clap. And do you know why? It’s always ’cause her jaw is too sore to laugh. And that’s a big difference between men and women, I never went in for material on the difference between men and women, but women are definitely taught to be dead nice and polite, especially in sexual situations. And you saw where that became a problem during the whole Me Too thing, where there was all of these– A lot of my male friends, during the Me Too, were like, “Well, see when a guy starts wanking in front of a woman, and she doesn’t like it, why doesn’t she just boot him in the balls and walk off?” ‘Cause women are taught to be nice and polite. And I’ll give you an example. When I was 15, I was kissing this Italian guy, round the back of a disco. Chaste little kisses, no fingering. Out of nowhere, he got his lad out and started wanking in front of me, right, enthusiastically. Horrifying. Never seen a live penis before in my life. Prior to this, only ever seen a badger coming out a box. [audience laughs] But I didn’t show I was horrified, ’cause I knew instinctively you’ve to smile, and not offend the man. So that was exactly what I did, Just stood back like, “Ah, very good. [claps] “I don’t want to touch it. No, I might just keep smiling at you and walk away.” I was like, “Can he walk and wank at the same time? Yes he can!” [audience laughs] Do you know how horrifying it is that the first time you see jizz is when it’s arcing after you like ectoplasm, while an Italian guy chases you? “Suck this, bella.” Jizz is disgusting, right? I don’t want to sugar coat it for you. I mean I do, I wish I could. [audience laughs] Wish I could. Jizz is disgusting, but women don’t say it, ’cause we’re very polite and every porno treats it like its mana from heaven. Ah, ah ♪ Mm, Danone [audience laughs] Girls get taught to improvise their way. It’s so wonderful seeing couples look at each other during this. [audience laughs] Girls get taught to improvise their way around jizz politely quite early on in life. As soon as all my female friends got their first boyfriends they would be like, “Ladies, if his cum tastes disgusting have you tried getting him to eat pineapple?” [audience laughs] A few women that have heard that in here. This just shows how unfair things are between the sexes. Why is he the one getting to eat pineapple? Why am I not getting it, like the delicious chaser to a disgusting shot? [audience laughs] Then the number of male friends I have are like, “Well you know, semen is actually, Women should swallow, because semen’s full of amino acids and minerals and protein, so it’s good for you.” Good for you? Alright, Gialliam McKeith. [audience laughs] Good for you? You know, period blood has loads of iron in it.” [audience laughs] but I’ve never said to a guy, “Baby, you’re looking kind of anemic. [audience laughs] Bon appetit.” I’m really interested in how much women are taught to be polite, and I’ll tell you where I see it a lot is on social media. ‘Cause I started getting more people sliding into my DMs on Instagram and stuff. And women are always really polite. They’re actually almost too polite. ‘Cause they always open with the same thing. It’s always things like, “Hey, hope I’m not being creepy but…” And the men never open this way. And they’re always creepy. It’s always something like, “I want to be your slave and suck on your tits “and call you Mum. Want to see a picture of my pet snake?” [audience laughs] Then women are like, “Hey, hope I’m not being creepy but, but where did your shoes from?” [audience laughs] This is how different my messages from men and women. On Easter Sunday I got a message from a woman that didn’t know me and a guy that didn’t know me. And the woman was like, “Hey, hope I’m not being creepy, “but since it’s Easter, “here’s a picture of my pet bunny rabbit “surrounded by chocolate eggs. Have a lovely day.” [audience laughs] It’s not creepy, but I can see a lot of you are like, “What a cunt.” A guy messaged at the same time. No words. Just a picture of his erect penis, next to a picture of Scottish comedian, Fern Brady. Then as an afterthought, he wrote, “Greetings from Nova Scotia.” Well, that is the worst postcard I’m ever gonna receive. [audience laughs] Look, I don’t wanna be anti-men by any measure. I mean I absolutely do, but I also want to be more marketable [audience laughs] Shrewd businesswoman. Sometimes you send messages that are well intentioned, and then they degenerate midway through. A man messaged me, it opened with, “Hello Ms. Brady, “was enjoying clips of your comedy on YouTube and then your beauty became more apparent.” [Fern leers] Cool. Yeah. That’s really the kind of beauty every woman longs for, isn’t it? Gradually apparent beauty. [audience laughs] Wouldn’t want any of that obvious beauty. I want beauty that dawns on me over time, coming into place like a “Magic Eye” picture. [audience laughs] And a big part of being a girl doing this is you get a lot of feedback, not on your jokes, but on whether people do or don’t want to pump you. So I woke up in a good mood recently, and I had a message on my Facebook comedy page, that was from a man in Slovakia. And the message was simple. It said, “Hey, you suck, and you look like a potato.” [audience laughs] Devastating to find out the real reason my Irish boyfriend is attracted to me. [audience laughs] Text my boyfriend, upset, and he went, “The most beautiful potato I’ve ever seen.” [audience laughs] Went on for four months. He messaged me, he messaged my agent, he messaged a few comedians, the message was always the same, “Fern Brady looks like a potato.” Every time I told my– This is the worst thing. Any time I told my friends, they all had the same answer. The answer was never, “It’s okay, you don’t look like a potato.” They all said the same thing. Every single one of them went, “Well, I love potatoes.” That’s how you know body positivity has gone too far. Just lie and say I don’t look like a potato in a wig. The whole thing of worrying about looks for women is getting worse, and I hate it. ‘Cause it’s not a personality trait, and I was a really ugly child, so I know how horrible people are to you when you’re not cute. I had big thick milk bottle glasses. I had a mullet, aand I had a mustache by the age of ten, big ol’ mustache. Everyone in school bullied me, “Mustache you a question. Mustache you a question, badger girl.” [audience laughs] Whenever I cried to Mum about it she was like, ‘”They’re just jealous. They’re just jealous, darling.” “Are you just pulling random parenting advice out a book? Jealous of what? Jealous that I look like a Cuban revolutionary at the age of 10?” [audience laughs] Now, especially when you’re a woman going about her day, not even thinking, about how you look. and a man feels the need to comment on your beauty. I’m talking about catcalling, but I feel like catcalling isn’t that bad in Scotland. I think ’cause Scottish men have an innate sense of Scottish women’s tendency towards sudden violence. [audience laughs] But I was walking round London recently, during the day, minding my own business. I walked down an alleyway. A man came out a sexual health clinic, straight away I’m not making eye contact. And I could just sense he was gonna say something. And he went, “Hey, beautiful, wanna suck my dick?” [Fern groans] Some of youse are baffled by this, but there’s definitely women in the audience, yeah, you’ve had that happen to you, right? Any woman that’s had this happen to them will know there’s no point getting angry at the man. There’s no point saying anything. I was eating some chips at the time he said this. So as soon as he shouted at me, I knew what to do. I started to silently spray the chips I was eating [blows a raspberry] outta my mouth, maintaining direct eye the entire time. [blows a raspberry] “Is this beautiful now?” Women in the audience, that’s what you have to do. Make your cat-caller regret that he ever said a word to what is clearly a very disturbed individual. I’ll stop at nothing. I’ve had guys shout at me out of passing cars, for a laugh. And then the car will pull up in traffic, and I will snot into my hand and drag it down the windscreen. [audience laughs] “Still want me to cheer up?” [audience laughs] My boyfriend’s always like, “Oh Fern, you’re going to die in a knife fight with one of these men.” Good. [audience laughs] Maybe then I’ll become the patron saint of catcalling. People will start treating it like an actual problem. I’m just tired of it. And I’m very tired generally. I’ve been tired for the last two years, and I don’t like complaining to youse about it, because it’s unprofessional. So as a life hack now, anytime I’m extremely tired I’ll go, “No Fern, no, you think you’re tired now, but think how tired you’d be if you had a baby.” [laughs] Then I go back to sleep. This is a form of practicing gratitude that I think I invented. I realized… A year ago I realized there’s no bad situation in my life that cannot be improved by me imagining I have a baby then I go back to not having a baby. [audience laughs] Try it. Look, it only works if you don’t have a baby. If youse do have a baby, I’m sure it’s a magical life affirming experience. You love it against your will. Sounds great. [audience laughs] This is nuts, though. So, I’d always hated babies. And then last year, overnight, babies everywhere started to look cracking to me. Not in the– That sounded like I fancied babies. [audience laughs] No man, babies started to look so beautiful, and pure, and amazing. And I was like, “I want a baby.” This is so fucked up. Intellectually, I do not want a baby. I think it’s a shit idea and I’d like to keep my lovely money to myself. But my body is at that sexy age where it’s trying to trick me into having a baby. And it’s a level of conflict I never thought I would feel. It’s the level of conflict people like Arlene Foster must feel every time they’re flicking through the ladies bras section of a catalog, or checking out Nicola Sturgeon’s holiday pics on Facebook. “Bad Arlene, no bad. Pray the gay away.” [audience laughs] Conflict. My brain don’t wanna have a baby, but my body do. And my body tries to trick me by making me think things like, “But Fern, if you had a baby it would be like a friend that could never leave.” [audience laughs] Oh aye, youse know what I’m on about. Oh aye. Imagine being so lonely you have to shag your friends into existence. ‘Cause when you’re honest, that’s all a family is. Like all the family’s looking at each other. That’s all a family is. Run out of pals, make new ones out your hole, like magic. [audience laughs] There’ll be obligated to socialize with you, at least on Mothers’ Day. I love babies, I can’t stop staring at babies in cafes right now. And people see me staring at babies, and they think that means I’m actively trying to get pregnant. I’m not, I’m riding these thoughts out til menopause, fingers crossed. [audience laughs] but I was staring at a baby in a cafe, and this woman I know, quite smug woman said, “Well Fern, if you’re thinking of having a baby, have you had a fertility test?” “And I was like, in a sense, yes. If that’s what you want to call abortion.” [laughs] Really, the fertility test I never knew I wanted. I knew it was going to play that way in this room. [audience laughs] Whenever women speak out about having one they always feel the need to caveat it by saying, “I had one, but its a had decision to make. Really it’s the hardest decision any woman can make.” The hardest decision with mine was they said, “You can have one in Leeds, Ms. Brady, or you can have one much sooner in Doncaster.” “I’m sorry, is this The Jeremy Kyle Show?” Am I, fuck, having an abortion in Doncaster, this baby will die with dignity [audience laughs] in one of the financial centers of the UK, Leeds, thank you. I did a charity gig for an abortion rights group recently. It’s not an easy cause to raise money for. And I thought, this is going to be cracking. I did, I thought, back-to-back abortion jokes all night, I’ll be with my own people, what a laugh we’ll have. These bitches. [audience laughs] I don’t want to be mean, but these bitches put me on 90 minutes late on stage. I don’t know how much you know the comedy world, that’s very late indeed. Now I couldn’t help thinking, I don’t want to be horrible, this lack of organization in their general lives was really what led to them [mumbles]. And I’m very pro-choice. Getting a part-time, baby soon. That’s going to be great. My brother and his wife are having a baby. I’m so excited, man. And I’ve been buying gifts for it. I’ve never bought baby gifts before. Do youse know how much rubbish you can buy a baby that’s unnecessary? There’s so much stuff that babies don’t need. You can buy formal wear for babies. Little three piece suits for babies, youse know, little prom dresses for tiny little babies. I says to my boyfriend, “Why do they need little three piece suits?” And he went, “Well, because they might have a wedding to attend.” [audience laughs] Shut up, as if anyone at the wedding’s going to be like, “Have you seen the state of Charles? “He showed up his whole family by coming here dressed as a fluffy teddy bear.” Which, by the way, is what babies should dress as. I’m always worried, about having a baby ’cause I think it’s just going to disappoint me. It’s going to disappoint me in a huge way by becoming a murderer, or just a banal way by becoming a recruitment consultant. [audience laughs] And I see a lot of my pals having babies now and I find it very moving. And then I’ll see just acquaintances that I hate-follow on Facebook and I think, you’re just doing that to fill the time between now and death. [audience laughs] It’s interesting, the things we do to fill the time between now and death. Some of youse came to this show. [audience laughs] That was a mistake. But I thought for ages, if I can get what I want in comedy, that’s going to fill the emptiness. Then I got everything I wanted last year. I got all the work, I did a gig at Sydney Opera House. And I felt fucking nothing. [audience laughs] Then I went back to the hotel and I watched videos of a pig in a wig [audience laughs] and I felt happy. [audience laughs] And I realized, it’s small things make you happy. The pursuit of other stuff is pointless, right? But I’m not going to have a baby for a very specific reason. A big reason that’s putting me off is, when I was growing up, I’m from a town called Bathgate, Lewis Capaldi and Susan Boyle are from there, so that’s how we look in that town, right? [audience laughs] It’s so cool they’re doing well, ’cause it’s limited options in Bathgate, especially if you’re a woman with opinions. If you’re a girl at my school you get two options for work experience and they are childcare or beauty therapy. That’s literally the Madonna and the whore thing right there, isn’t it? Take care of kids or look pretty, don’t do anything else. And that’s why I don’t want to have a baby. And any time I see comments on social media going, “Why does such a nice girl have to say such horrible things on stage?” I think, good, good, I’m doing my job. I’m staying away from my Bathgate destiny. I’m going to keep being that mad Scottish woman who does comedy. Youse have all been amazing. Thanks very much for coming to my show. I’ve been Fern Brady, goodnight. [audience cheers] [electricity buzzes] [energetic music] [bird squawks] [Man] Thank you very much. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patton-oswalt-we-all-scream-transcript/ | Patton Oswalt: We All Scream (2022) | Transcript | patton oswalt | [“Hard to Kill” by Bleached plays] [audience cheering and applauding] Hello! Denver! [cheering and applause continues] [Patton laughs] Oh my God! Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [cheering continues] Thank you. Oh my God! Yes! Thank you all so much for coming out tonight. Um… Hey, I broke my foot. Yeah. That’s how I started my year. I broke my foot. Uh… It was… It took two… It happened in two parts. Uh, the second part was I slipped off a curb and I landed wrong. That was the second part. The first and most important part was I turned 53. That is the crucial part. [audience laughs] I… You turn… Once you get past 50, everything’s fatal. I… When I was in my twenties, I would walk into propellers and put some Bactine on it. I was fine. And now if a pine cone falls near me, my spine implodes. I don’t know what… Like that. [audience laughs] Broke my foot, and then the day after… I’m gonna drop a name. All right. Uh, the day after I broke my foot, Glenn Howerton, my friend Glenn Howerton… [audience cheers] …who is almost 50, but for this bit he’s over 50. I needed to… Come on, who cares about logic? He broke his collarbone. So I called him up, gave him a little solidarity, a little support. “Hey, man. I broke my foot.” “What happened?” In my mind, I’m thinking, “Well, he was probably reaching for a bag of SunChips wrong, and his collarbone broke or something.” And he said, “Yeah, I was snowboarding. I landed a flip wrong.” All right. Fuck off. Fuck off. [audience laughing] You don’t need to go to that much hassle. Once you get to a certain age, you don’t need… I don’t even think that’s what happened. I think he’s lying to me. I think… I think somebody slammed a door near him, and then his collarbone fell into his ass cheek. And then he told his wife, “Duct-tape me to a snowboard and push me down a black diamond trail, please.” “Give me some dignity for God’s sake.” [audience laughing] I’m gonna drop another name. A month after I broke my foot, Tony Hawk broke his… [audience cheering] …broke his femur in two. Pow! Landed a vertical wrong. In his warehouse, doing his verticals, landed it wrong. Broke his femur. DMs me a picture of his X-ray. He’s like, “Looks like we’re in the same boat, buddy.” I’m like, “No, we’re fucking not.” You… [audience laughing] You just Jackie-Channed yourself into even more coolness. [audience laughs] He found a whole other level of cool. I slipped off a curb like someone’s aunt that saw a bird. That is how I went down. [audience laughs] I went down in the most embarrassing way possible. [audience chuckling] And the one weird thing that happened, ’cause when I did it I was still in my 23-year-old denial head of, “I just twisted my ankle. I’ll drive home.” I was at work. “I’ll drive home. I’ll be fine.” Driving home, it’s hurting worse. “Oh, this actually might be a real thing.” I get home. I can barely get out of the car now. And I’m limping across the street to my house. And it’s really hurting, and then a car pulls up, these two women are driving, and the driver rolls her window down and says, “You okay?” I’m like, “Oh, I twisted my ankle. I live right here.” “I’m going inside, put some ice on it.” And then, and this haunts me, she said, “Well, don’t give up.” [audience laughing] Which… Wait. What? Holy shit! What was the look on my face? [audience laughing] What did I… Did she… “He’s gonna kill himself. Pull over. Pull over.” “Hey, don’t give up.” “Let me play this Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush song. This’ll really…” “Let’s listen to this.” Maybe that was just my face left over from the shutdown and the pandemic. Is that how my face permanently is now? Because I didn’t do the shutdown well at all. I did a bad shutdown. I planned a great shutdown. I planned an amazing… Remember when the shutdown happened? Supposed to stay home, and you had that little memory of all the times you said, “If I could just get a month off, I could get my shit together.” [audience laughs] “I could get my life… I just need a month off.” I planned a great shutdown. I executed the worst one ever. Oh my God, the list I made. The list we all made. We all made the same list? Yes, you did. All the great books you were gonna read. All the great books. All the skills you were gonna learn. Oh my God, we couldn’t wait to work on ourselves. If I had actually followed the list that I made, there’d be a different man standing in front of you right now. He’d be 30 pounds lighter. He’d be speaking fluent Italian. [audience laughs] When all of you walked in, there would have been a handmade raspberry almond crumble tart on everyone’s chair, on each chair. I would have hand-milled the flour this morning. [audience laughing] You would have eaten it off of an origami plate. [audience laughs] When you’re done eating, you throw the plate down, it pops up into a frog. Oh my God! Oh, the plans I had! [audience laughing] I didn’t do any of that shit. I ate Doritos for breakfast, and I watched Deadwood twice all the way through. Watched it. Finished it. Back to episode one. Hit play. [audience laughing] That’s all I fucking did. And then I went crazier than a barn full of clown pubes. That is what I did during the shutdown. And listen, when I… When I say, “Crazier than a barn full of clown pubes…” [audience laughing] …I’m not kink-shaming. I’m not judging. [audience laughs] Clowns have as much right to have a varied and experimental, adventurous sex life. I’m saying the source of the crazy isn’t the clown pubes. It’s the having the thought and then the follow-through of “I’m gonna fill this barn…” [audience laughing] “…with the p…” I just want that to be clear. That the source of the crazy is the barn. The barn full of pubes isn’t even the crazy. It was the act of filling the barn… Listen, if you… If you just filled a barn with pubes, you’ve checked off the crazy box. [audience laughing] But this person went, “I’m putting obstructions in my way.” “I will only collect the pub…” Also, how do you… There’s no way to know. Clown pubes don’t look different. Like, they’re not bright orange. They’re not rainbow-colored. Look. Some are, but a lot… There’s a lot of… Listen. There… There’s a lot of non-clown pubes that are bright orange and rainbow-colored. That’s not what I’m saying here. What I’m saying is there’s no way that… Okay, this is what I’m saying. Wait. Fuck. Okay. If you… Like, okay, if you’re walking around… [audience laughing] …and there’s a barn, and you open those two big doors, there’s a wall of pubes, and you go, “Well, there’s a maniac roaming the countryside.” If someone said, “Those are only clown pubes.” Like, “Oh! We gotta call the National Guard.” Wait a minute. What? ‘Cause there’s no way to prove that. [audience laughing] Oh, okay, wait. You could do this. Every time… Every time that you collect… Not… Not a… Not a clump. That’s gross. Not a clump of… No. [audience laughing] Clump is too gross. Thatch? No. [audience laughs] Thatch is too folksy. That’s… That’s the other… Like, if Cracker Barrel opened a BDSM store, they would call it the Thatch of Pubes. That’s what it would be called. You’d go down to the Th… It’d probably be connected to the Cracker Barrel. You’d go in, get a nice breakfast, then go, “Hang on. I gotta pop into the Thatch of Pubes.” [audience laughs] “Pay the bill. I’ll meet you at the front.” [audience laughing] Thatch of Pu… ♪ Thatch of Pubes ♪ [audience laughs] [laughing] We… ♪ We’ve got nipple clamps And scented lubes ♪ [audience laughs] We’ve got floggers, and paddles, and dildos. Oh my! And a tower of butt plugs that kisses the sky. [audience laughs] Tell ’em Petunia the pube pig sent ya. [audience laughs] Oink. All right. Um… [audience laughs] Handful. Handful of clown pubes. That’s non-gender specific. Every time you collect a handful of clown pubes, you take a Polaroid. You have a Polaroid, so you’re kneeling down. You’re collecting the pubes. You got your baggy. Gotta do it full length. Get the whole clown in there. He or she’s gotta be in their wig, their makeup, holding that day’s newspaper… [audience laughing] …so you know. Then you take a hole-punch, punch a hole through the Polaroid, get a ribbon, put it through that hole, tie the other end of the ribbon to the… the… the handful of pubes, toss it in the barn… Every handful of pubes is accounted for. There you go. And that’s how you would pro… Fuck, no. No, you can’t. You know why? No, that doesn’t work, because then someone can go, “Technically, you didn’t fill the barn with pubes because the ribbon and the Polaroid took up…” No, it has to be complete confidence in the speaker and total trust in the listener. When you say I tho… This is what’s happening right now, okay? We’re starting this set out. Let’s go on a journey for the next hour. I started off pretty strong, I think. I think I’ve won your trust, but you know what? You shouldn’t 100%… No. Not yet though. [audience laughing] Because what you’ve got… Listen. What I’ve done, comedically, creatively, I have opened the barn doors. [audience laughing] And there’s a wall of pubes. [audience laughing] And yes, it’s impressive, but you’re right to go, “You know what?” “I bet that wall of pubes, I bet that’s a half an inch thick.” “And there’s a big sheet of plywood behind, and the rest of the barn is empty.” “I’ve been screwed over too many…” You’re right to think that. What I’m… This is what I’m doing. As a comedian, I’m inviting you… I’m saying I want you to run as hard as you can into this wall of pubes, and then, I want you to fight your way back, just fight your way to the back of the barn… [audience laughing] …until you’re cocooned in pubes. You know what I mean? At the back. And when your hand hits that back wall, you will think, “I met a man of honor.” That is what you will think. [audience laughing] That is what I want for us. Not me, not you, us. All of us. That’s what I want. Those are the kind of bits I wrote during the shutdown. I’d be awake for eight days in a row… [applause] Five in the morning, “The fucking Polaroid doesn’t even work!” Goddamn it! [audience cheering and applauding] I bought a trampoline. [audience laughs] Not a giant backyard… One of those little workout ones. Yeah. Little tiny trampoline. It’s called a rebounder. Awesome. You get up on it. You hop up and down, get the lymphatic system going, “Here you go. Ooh. Out, in. Forward, back. Ski it out.” Great workout. Got it right at the beginning of the pandemic. “I’m gonna stay fit during this thing, man. I got my new rebounder.” It came out of the box, not a speck of dust on it. Oh, I was so excited. I could feel how excited the rebounder was. You could feel it. He was like, “I’m gonna make a difference in this house.” “I belong here. I’m gonna change things for the better.” I’m like, “That’s right, little rebounder. Wanna go inside the house?” “You wanna go in the gym?” He’s like, “Yeah.” We have a gym in our house. It’s a room with an elliptical in it. We call it a gym. [audience laughs] I take him inside. Oh, he’s so excited. I put him down. “I’ll see you tomorrow, little rebounder.” He goes, “Yeah.” We both looked over at the elliptical. [audience laughs] Against the wall. Clothes hanging off of it. [audience laughs] Covered in dust. And I could feel the rebounder’s heart break. I could feel his… You know what it felt like? It felt like the rookie cop fresh out of the academy. He’s like, “Give me the worst precinct in town. I’ll turn it around!” “I’ve got progressive policing techniques, community outreach.” “I’ll make a difference.” And he shows up that first day, big thermos of green tea, little keto lunch, he’s all excited. Looks over in the corner, “Who’s at his desk?” The old homicide cop. [audience laughs] Eight bullet holes in him. Eleven colostomy bags. [audience laughing] He’s having his seventh Viceroy of the morning. [audience laughing] [Patton exhales] That’s the elliptical. [audience laughing] Looks at the little rookie rebounder, “You’re gonna learn, kid.” [audience laughing] “You think I didn’t have dreams when I came here, huh?” “I was top of the line!” “You can stream movies on me, TV shows, mountain programs, everything!” “Oh! I was gonna turn this house of fatties around.” [audience laughing] “That guy that just dropped you off, he was on me day one.” “Cute little workout outfit.” “Little iPhone. He downloaded a bunch of podcasts on it.” “Ooh, a thinker!” [audience laughing] “He gets up on me, stretch those little fat thighs, pumping them up and down.” [grunting] “Thought he was gonna go the distance.” “He didn’t make it past the first Blue Apron ad.” [inhales, exhales] [audience laughing] “Hopped off of me.” “Went and checked his texts in the crapper.” [audience laughs] “He never came back.” [audience laughs] “Oh, he’ll be here tomorrow.” “Oh, he’ll be in his little workout outfit.” “He’ll probably put a little playlist on his iPhone.” “Yeah.” “He’s a Gen X-er in his fifties.” “I bet it’ll be all early ’80s New Wave pop.” [audience laughs] “That’s how he’s gonna get thin. Nostalgia.” [audience laughs] “He’ll hop up on you, start jumping up and down like a gibbon full of Skittles.” [audience laughs] “What’ll be the first song he listens to? I can call it right now.” “It’ll be the Go-Go’s ‘Our Lips Are Sealed.'” “That’ll be the first song.” “And you’ll be all excited. ‘Oh, he’s gonna go the full hour'”! “He won’t make it past the bridge.” [audience laughs] “The minute Jane Wiedlin starts singing, “Hush my darling,” he’ll hop off of you, he’ll check his texts in the crapper.” “He’ll never come back.” [audience laughs] “Extinguish all joy within you, and nothing’ll ever hurt you again.” [audience laughs] I just pitched the saddest Pixar movie in the… If they do a movie with the Safdie brothers, that’s gotta be their movie. Harvey Keitel is the elliptical. [audience laughing] Timothée Chalamet is the rebounder. [audience laughing] And Frances McDormand is the half-inflated exercise ball. [audience laughs] Went fucking crazy during the shutdown. My rock-bottom, psychologically, during the shutdown happened on the same day as my wife and daughter’s. We all hit crazy rock-bottom at the same time. Um, it was a weekday. We’re all in the house, staying inside. Doing our part. Stop the spread. My daughter’s in the kitchen, and out of nowhere, she says, “Hey, there’s a weird guy in our backyard.” [audience laughing] What the fuck? I go running out, “What?” Looking out, “I don’t see anybody. You saw someone?” She goes, “Some weird guy just walked across our backyard and went around the back. He’s back there right now.” I’m like, “Oh shit!” We have cameras all over the property. I have an app on my phone. You click it and can look at what the camera sees. I’m waiting for it. I’m gonna go back and confront him. I just wanna know what I’m about to deal with. I don’t know what’s back there. What if it’s a lost hippie wanting someone to hacky-sack with him? “I’ll hacky-sack with you.” [audience laughing] Could be a maniac, nude, with a bucket of chicken on his dick, holding a sword. I don’t know what’s back… I just wanna be ready. [audience laughing] But the cameras aren’t loading, and I’m waiting for it. Goddamn it. And then my wife pushes past us, doesn’t say anything and goes striding across the back lawn. She’s got a white summer dress on flowing in the wind, barefoot. And she’s holding a pink, aluminum baseball bat. [audience laughing] And she has serious Manson girl energy coming off of her, like… [audience laughs] “Look at that hot, hippie chick that I wanna fuck and get murdered by.” “Yay.” [laughing] So, she… It takes me a second to realize what she’s doing, then I go clomping after her, in my flip-flops and cargo pants, but she’s already around the corner and she’s already laying into this guy. Before I can turn the corner, I hear her screaming at him, “Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck out of my yard!” “I will fuck you up.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] So… I… I turned the corner. She’s in a stance. [audience laughs] Like Uma in Kill Bill, she’s ready to go. [audience laughs] The guy she’s yelling at, little scruffy looking, didn’t look crazy, didn’t look homeless, holding a cell phone, just looked a little off, and she’s screaming and yelling at him, “What the fuck are you doing here?” Now I’m gonna stop the story and tell you what was actually happening. There was something wrong with our air conditioner. I… [audience laughing] I called our contractor and said, “Can you send someone to the house to fix the AC?” Without telling us, he gave this guy our address and gate code and sent him to the house. So yes, massive misunderstanding. My wife is now screaming at him, and she’s just fucking… Just blazing Valkyrie, shrieking at the top of her lungs at this guy, “Who the fuck are you?” Now, to his discredit… [audience laughing] …when there is a blazing-eyed Valkyrie holding a vagina-colored piece of metal… [audience laughing] …threatening to kill you, answer in short, declarative sentences. [audience laughing] [applause] This guy… This guy was going, “Who’s anybody really, man? Like…” “Every day was… Oh, the wheel in the sky…” Oh, goddamn it. Now she’s got both hands on the bat. She’s gonna swing on the guy. And then he looks at me. And when he looks at me, that’s when he gets scared. [audience laughs] He started saying, “My name is Michael. Your guy Steve sent me here to figure…” And my wife’s like, “Oh my God, he didn’t tell us. I’m so sorry.” “Oh my God, I’m gonna call him right now.” “I’m… This was… This really got off on the wrong foot.” “How about you leave…” The guy was more than happy to leave. [audience laughs] I’m sure he was driving home going, “That poor bastard. Oh my God.” “I’m sure the sex is amazing but…” Um… [audience laughing] A lot of you hear the story and go, “That’s not very manly of you.” “You let your wife… God knows what could’ve happened!” I argue the opposite. [audience laughs] I say that our timing and placement made us a more effective home invasion deterrent. [audience laughs] ‘Cause remember he never got scared when she was screaming at him? He just kept going, “I…” You know why? He couldn’t process what he was seeing. [audience laughs] Gorgeous Valkyrie, vagina-colored metal, screaming. Too much. Too fucking much. Couldn’t process it. And also, again, the energy she’s giving off is outer-space sex vixen about to murder you. [audience laughing] Can’t process it. You know what he could process? Me. Standing five feet behind her, ’cause the energy I was giving off was, “I can’t do nothing when she gets like this.” “I… I tried to get her to go to the nervous hospital, see?” “She said she’d burn the house down.” “She’s killed so many Amazon delivery drivers.” “I can’t dig no more holes in the desert. Please just run!” [audience laughing] I’m doing some poses that we can freeze for the Netflix save screen. A little… [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] [Patton chuckles] [audience laughing] There’s gotta be… What if I did… What if I use… Here’s what I’m gonna do. Watch. Like this. [audience laughing and cheering] Now, look. That’s… That’s not a bit in the special, but if you’re watching Netflix, and that “coming up next,” you’re like, “Let’s watch a minute of that.” Like, “What the fuck is this?” [audience laughing] [Patton chuckling] I’m vaxxed and boosted. Yes, I am. Thank you. It shouldn’t… [cheering and applause] Thank you. But… That… Look. Thank you. It’s also sad that gets applause at this point, isn’t it? You get applause for taking the most basic care of your health? That’s like me going, “Folks, I wipe after I shit. Thank…” No. No, no. [cheering and applause] People. No. I’m no… I’m no hero now. It’s the lumberjacks who cut down the trees that make the toilet… Those are the heroes. [audience laughing] [man] Yeah! [chuckles] I assume there’s a lumberjack here. All right, um… [audience laughs] [Patton chuckles] Or a really enthusiastic wiper. Um… [audience laughing] I got my vax right when the vax came out. Immediately. I didn’t jump the line. I didn’t use my privilege, but… I acted on some inside information, and I feel bad about this. This is how I did it. Uh… Right when the vaccine came out, I have a friend, lives out in Riverside. And he calls me and says, “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but, uh, out where I’m living, it’s MAGA country.” “No one is getting the vaccine.” “There’s a Rite Aid near me, a woman sitting at a table.” “Everyone that walks in she asks if they want it. No one will get it.” “They’re throwing crates of this shit out the back.” “If you drive out here, you will get a shot.” “Don’t even make an appointment.” So I drove out there. I walk in. There’s a woman at a table. I go, “Hi, excuse me. I’d like to get a vaccine.” She was like, “You would?” Like, she had no… [audience laughing] She had run out of Tolkien novels to read. Like, “Yeah. Let me get you set up.” Like, “Go stand over there.” While I’m waiting, my friend was right, everyone that walked in, “Would you like a vaccine?” “No, thank you.” And one guy gave her a, uh… “[scoffs] Yeah, no thanks.” [audience laughs] Like, “Yeah, nice try, Deep State. I think I’m gonna, uh…” “I think I’m gonna stay tracker-free for the time being if that’s all right.” “Hang on. Yeah. I’m at the Rite Aid again. Yeah.” “They tried to get a fucking track… Hang on. I’m losing you.” “There you are. Yeah, no. I’m off the grid, man. That’s…” “Right. I’ll call you later.” Got my shot. Got my second shot, then boosted twice. I’m fucking fine. In 1955, the polio vaccine came out. 1955. We were two years away from satellites. There were no satellites! And America could not have been more backward, racist, homophobic, sexist, and these non-satellite-having, racist dipshits lined the fuck up to get their fucking vaccine! [cheering and applause] What the fuck! [cheering and applause continues] “Give me that shot. I can’t police these water fountains from a wheelchair.” [audience laughing] “I can’t beat up queers inside an iron lung! Give me my science!” “What am I, a caveman?” [audience laughing] Now it’s the year 2022, which, first off, doesn’t sound like a real year, does it? [audience laughs] Doesn’t that sound made up? Like you’re watching a cheap science-fiction film, “In the year 2022…” “Oh, you’re just throwing numbers together. Jesus!” “Who wrote this shit?” [audience laughs] It’s 2022. We have robots on Mars. They send us TikTok videos. [audience laughing] Half of the country’s like, “That needle’s got witch poison in it, I tells ya.” “You ain’t putting no witch poison in me.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] “Keep your wizard jab away from me.” “I got to watch the video that the Mars robot sent to the world brain I keep it in my pocket.” [audience laughing] “But keep all that science away from me.” If that attitude had existed in 1955, the government would have had to do one of those PSAs, like a little cartoon dancing, hypodermic needle coming out, you know. [audience laughing] “Who do I gotta blow to cure polio?” Like little… [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] Yes. That’s right, jabby. Tell everyone about your benefits. [audience laughs] “My benefits? Your fucking legs work. How’s that for a benefit?” [audience laughs] “You medieval shitheads.” [audience laughing] It’s a different world now, man. It’s a different world. Isn’t it? Cruise ships? Oh, you’ll never see a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye. Our grandkids won’t know what a buffet is. Oh. [audience laughs] Fuck, Covid changed everything. First off, every cruise ship is booked up to the year 2026. People cannot wait to get aboard the plague barge and sail the bounding main. “Oh, let me die near a water slide!” [audience laughing] Not only are buffets gonna come back, they’re gonna come back with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance. Every one of them’s gonna have an agenda. “Come on down to Captain Covid’s Alpha Males Only buffet!” [audience laughing] “You the kind of left-wing soy boy that needs a sneeze guard over your clam chowder, or are you able to fuck your wife?” “Then come on down to Captain Covid’s…” [audience laughing] “You show us proof you ain’t been vaccinated, you get a free platter of room-temperature scallops.” [audience laughing] “That’s right.” [chuckles] Oh… I was listening to ’70s on 7 on the way here. Yeah, on my XM Sirius satellite dial. You like ’70s music? You hit number seven. All the ’70s music you can have, ’70s on 7. You like ’80s music? You hit number eight. [audience laughs] ’80s on 8. Do you like ’90s music? Guess what you hit. Number nine! [audience laughing] Do you like ’40s music? Well, you don’t hit number four. You used to, ’40s on 4. Now, channel 71. ’40s Junction. You like ’50s music? Well, it’s channel 72. ’50s Gold. You like ’60s music? Seventy-three, ’60s Gold. Why did those three channels get moved to the outer rim of the XM Sirius universe? I will tell you why. Their listeners are dying. [audience laughing] ’40s, ’50s, ’60s. Those listeners are dropping like… The fucking ’40s channel has five listeners left. [audience laughing] Three World War II veterans and a couple of contrarian hipsters. That’s it. That’s all that’s left. “You know who’s punk rock? Artie Shaw.” Fuck off. [audience laughing] And we can laugh and enjoy it, but hey, during our lifetimes, ’70s, ’80s, ’90s will go marching up the dial. That’s how you can track how the generations are dying, by where they’re putting the stations. [audience laughing] Keep the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s easy. I hope when they do that, that they take a little time and give some consideration to the names the way they did for the ’40s channel, ’40s Junction, train station, evocative. I get it. Picture in my head. And then they just gave up. ’50s Gold, ’60s… Ah, who care… What? You couldn’t do “Poodle Skirts and Milkshakes”? You couldn’t do “Patchouli Oil and Love Beads,” or whatever? [audience laughing] Give the ’70s channel a name emblematic of the decade. You know, “Your Mother and I Are Separating Radio.” How about that? That’s good. Sure. [audience laughing] Yeah. “Giant Candles Everywhere For Some Reason Tunes.” [audience laughing] The ’80s could be “Trapper Keeper Tunes.” [audience cheering and applauding] And then the ’90s channel could just be… [groans] [audience laughing] [groaning] I don’t know… That was Abra Moore’s “Four-Leaf Clover” on… [groans] [audience laughing] [groans] [audience laughing] Hi. Do you live here in Denver, ma’am? I live in Colorado Springs. [Patton] You live in Colorado Springs? Nice. Thank you for making the drive. [woman] No problem. Okay. What do you… [laughing] Okay, glad I got that straight. It wasn’t a problem. Thank God. Okay. Guys, it wasn’t a problem. It’s cool. [audience laughing] [Patton chuckles] Do you work in Colorado Springs? What do you do? I’m a doctor. [Patton] You’re a doctor. Oh my God, a brainiac. All right, um… What kind of medicine do you practice? I’m a pediatric neurologist. Pediatric neurologist. Oh my God! [audience cheering] You’re like… [cheering and applause] You are serving your community. You are helping children. You have a positive job that you have a positive attitude towards. This is comedy death. I need to get off of you right now. There’s nothing here. [audience laughing] I need to talk to a meth cook or a divorcee. This is… [audience laughs] “I help children live.” [sliding beep] All right. Shit. [audience laughing] Is this, uh… Are you with her? You guys together? Is this the hubby? The husband. The husband. What do you do, sir? I’m a lawyer. [Patton] You’re a lawyer? Ah… [audience laughing] [kisses] Finally. [audience laughing] Some evil. [audience laughing and applauding] Oh God, if it’s some kind of positive community outreach law, I’m gonna fucking… What kind of law do you practice, sir? I prosecute juvenile sex crimes. You prosecute juvenile sex offenders. Well… [audience laughing] When you say juvenile sex offenders, do you mean people who commit sex offenses against juveniles, or juveniles who are sex offenders? Juveniles who are sex offenders. Juveniles who are sex offenders. Gotta be very careful with the phrasing. And when you say… And then what happens? Like, they get… Why am I…? What is this, a…? I gotta… Me sitting down was good for that one laugh. I’m not gonna do the rest of my show like, “So what do you do?” [audience laughing] What the hell am I doing? [applause] You are prosecuting the juvenile sex offenders. Okay. And you are a neurological pediatrician. So a kid whose brain maybe isn’t working correctly, you help fix it. And the ones you can’t fix, he puts away, right? Is that how… [audience laughing] There we go. [audience laughing] There’s your next Marvel team-up. All right. So… [laughs] [audience laughing] That was cute and dark at the same time. Rare to find that. It’s like a goth girl holding a kitten. All right. [audience laughing] How about you? Do you live here in Denver? [man] I do. You do? What do you do in Denver? Uh, I work in a bar and I’m a student. You work in a bar and you’re a student. Oh, it’s a 1980s Tom Hanks movie. All right. So… [audience laughing] What are you studying right now? Uh, cybersecurity. Cybersecurity. And then, by day, he patrols the Internet. At night, it’s Slippery Nipples for secretaries, right? [audience laughing] What, uh… So you’re a bartender, and so do you want to eventually work in cybersecurity? Obviously. [man] Yeah. And the bartending’s paying the bills. Paying for you to learn. What is the… What’s the scariest thing you’ve learned so far in terms of cybersecurity? How close are we to some huge hack attack where suddenly the ATMs don’t work and all of our porn searches are on the internet? When does that happen? [audience laughs] Um… Pretty much nothing is private. [Patton] Pretty much nothing is private. Well, we all know that at this point. That’s not… Oh my God, have you ever… Okay, when you were growing up, was there, like, some asshole that bullied you or was really shitty, and now that you’re learning your cybersecurity skills, you could go digging into this person’s life and just dis-fucking-mantle it if you wanted to? [audience laughing] Has that temptation ever crossed your head? Pretty frequently. Have you… Oh! Have you done searches of old bullies’ names and stuff like that? I’ve… I’ve chosen not to. You’ve chosen not to. [audience laughs] That is a very lawyerly response. That was… Did you catch that? [audience laughing] Oh, man. Is this the wife or girlfriend? Uh, yes. [Patton] Which one? [laughter] Girlfriend. [Patton] Girlfriend! Oh! And what do you do? I’m an educator. [Patton] You’re an educator. And what do you… Thank you. [cheering and applause] Wow. What, uh… What do you… What areas do you educate in? I help high schoolers, um, access free college credit. Help high schoolers access free college credit. Does the… That’s cool. Does the, um… Does the sleeve tattoo help break the ice when they’re like, “She’s cool”? “She’s all right.” Yep. That must help. [woman] It does, yeah. Do you go in with the sleeve tattoo visible? Or do they make you wear a long sleeve? I bust it all out. [Patton] You bust it all out, sit there… “Let’s get you some fucking credit while you look at The Gashlycrumb Tinies right there, man. There you go.” You got some ink too. How long you been going out? Three years. Four. Three or four years. Three or four years. [audience laughing] Mmm. Some cybersecurity, if you know what I’m saying. Ah, come on, people. Um… [audience laughing] Are you… Do you live together? Oh, nice! Are you gonna… She looks awesome in… And then he can get you, like, free credit card shit and everything. I mean, come on. [audience laughs] It’s a match made in heaven. Make it happen. Couldn’t he use his cybersecurity to get kids free college credit? Change their grades, get them into Harvard. There’s another fucking team-up. All right. [audience cheering and applauding] I have two superhero teams in the front row. Oh, hello sir. [audience laughing] Shorts in the front row. Ballsy. [audience laughing] That’s it. You have way more self-confidence than I will ever have. Do you live here in Denver? I do. [Patton] And what do you do in Denver? I work in Boulder, actually. You work in Boulder. Live in Denver, work in Boulder. What do you do in Boulder? I work for a grocery store. You work for a grocery store. With that facial hair? They’re cool with that or…? [laughter] What… I’m not gonna ask what grocery store. That’s weird. [man] I bet you can figure it out. Probably could. Hang on. What is your specific job at the grocery store? I’m a manager. You’re a manager at the grocery store. Do you manage the whole store or one department? Um… Yeah. [audience laughing] Yeah, part of it. Yeah. Part of it. The liquor section? What part do you, um…? [audience laughing] You seem amazed at hearing that you’re working at a grocery store coming out of you. “I work at a grocery store! I…” [audience laughing] [Patton chuckling] And, uh, who are you here with? Is this your friend? There’s your friend. And where do you work? Uh, I work from home. You work from home. [man] In sales. In sales. I sell light bulbs. [Patton] You sell light bulbs. Are you asking me? You seem to be like, “I sell light…” You’re answering my questions like I’m a homicide cop. You’re like, “I-I sell light bulbs?” Like, it’s not… [audience laughing] You sell light bulbs from your home. I’m a lighting salesman. You’re a lighting salesman, so you stay in your house. You call people up or get on the internet with them? On the internet. On the internet. And you try to sell them light bulbs. Absolutely. Individuals or corporations? Both. [Patton] Both. That’s so fucking weird. [audience laughs] I just… I don’t know how… So you get on Zoom calls with them, and go, “Really quick, turn on all your lights.” [audience laughing] “It’s pretty shitty, huh?” “Well, I’ve got a solution for you.” [laughing] [audience laughing] You’re not far. That’s so fucking interesting. Okay. You two are delightful, and you are not a superhero team. I’m sorry. [audience laughs] That is… I don’t know what the hell you are. There’s a guy who works at a Trader… Doesn’t quite know what he does there. Another guy gets on Zoom calls and sells light bulbs. I think you have a weird OnlyFans. You’re just covering for it now. You don’t really sell light bulbs. [man] It’s the DC Universe. Oh, DC Universe. Very… Oh… I’ll do the nerd shit, my friend. All right. [audience laughing] Don’t you dare! [audience laughing] That was a fun front row. Give them a round of applause. Thank you, guys. Wow. [cheering and applause] I love the flow of that. You know, doctor, lawyer, cybersecurity, educator, sort of groceries, light bulbs, I guess. I don’t know. [groans] [audience laughing] Perfectly paced. [kisses] [audience laughing] [sighs] You know what doesn’t age well? Woke. [audience laughs] It really doesn’t. I’m woke, I think. But you know what? I won’t be someday, and so will all of you. [audience laughs] Be woke. Be open-minded. Just don’t pat yourself on the back, ’cause it’ll bite you in the ass. Everyone getting cancelled now for not being woke was woke about something, they just couldn’t keep up with progress. Progress will always fucking steamroller you. I’m very pro-trans, very pro-gay marriage, gay rights, and pro-abor… No, no, no. No. No. [cheering and applause] That’s not… What I’m saying is that is going to blow up in my face someday. I’ll be doing comedy when I’m 70, and I will let slip something that I won’t be able to keep up with. I’ll be like, “I don’t think people should fuck their clones.” “Boo!” There’ll be some weird, like… [audience laughing] “No wait, I’m pro-trans.” “Fuck you, clone hater!” [audience laughing] “No, I’m totally progressive!” #Stopclonehate, then I gotta… Then I’ll double down. “When I grew up, you didn’t jerk off in a test tube and fuck whatever came out of it! If that makes me the bad guy, I’m sorry!” [audience laughing] “Boo!” [Patton chuckles] By the way, that’s how you know if you’re a… uh, if you’re an oppressed minority, or, you know, a fringe group that used to be shit on, and now you know that you’ve made it when straight, white people start asking you if jokes are okay. That’s when you know… The trans community really broke through because all of a sudden, straight, white people’ll be like, “Is this okay?” “Does this joke work? Is that okay?” You know. But either way, that means in the future, straight, white people are gonna be the minority, then they’re gonna have assholes like, “Hey, I’m doing a joke about a straight, white dude, and, um, I have him bowling. Is that okay? You guys bowl, right? Like that’s…” [audience laughing] “It’s not offensive?” “He’s listening to Limp Bizkit, ‘ironically, ‘ okay?” [audience laughing] “It’s ironic. I’m doing it ironically.” [Patton chuckles] Goddamn, these last six years. Holy shit. I was in such a panic in 2016, then all the subsequent years, “What the hell’s going on? Oh my God. Is America coming to an end?” No. You know what? It isn’t. It’s bad right now, but everything that’s happening is supposed to be happening right now. Do you know what 2016 was? It was the boomers’ last temper tantrum. [audience cheering] That’s what that was. [cheering and applause] The boomers’ last temper tantrum. Every time a generation gets old, they panic because death is scary and gross, and they put someone shitty in the White House before they go. This has happened before. The greatest generation… The greatest generation, oh my God, fought the Nazis, saved the world from tyranny, came back, built the suburbs, raised the baby boomers, then they started getting old. Hair turned gray, dick didn’t work anymore, hemorrhoids and hysterectomies. They panicked. Now it’s the late ’70s. Punk music, they don’t know what’s going on. “Fuck this.” “Put the old cowboy movie actor in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!” “I was here, goddamn it!” [applause] Then the baby boomers grew up. Think of the baby boomers. They were on the cutting edge of sex, rock and roll, rebellion… They owned youth, and then they got fucking old. [audience laughing] And their hair got gray, and their dick stopped working, hemorrhoids and hysterectomies, fucking Gen X and Gen Z making fun of them on Twitter and TikTok. All this hip-hop music they don’t understand. Now they’re, “Oh my God, I’m about to die. What the fuck is going on?” “Put the racist game show host in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!” “I was here!” [laughter and applause] I’m Gen X. Well, our temper tantrum is going to be beyond ugly. [audience laughing] When we start getting old, our dicks stop working, our hair goes gray, God knows who we’re gonna put in the White House. It’s gonna be either Eddie Vedder or Janeane Garofalo. One of those two. I don’t know. [cheering and applause] Look. I love those guys. Janeane would be a horrible president. [audience laughs] I’ve known her since the ’90s. I love her. She would tell you that herself. Janeane, you should be president. “I’m not doing that shit.” Oh my God, wait a minute. That’s how she’ll win. [audience laughs] Think of how Gen X thinks. Like, “That’s exactly the attitude we need.” [audience laughs] That’s perfect. “No, I’m serious. I’m not doing it.” Yeah, we know, yes. [audience laughing] She’ll blow off a debate. She won’t campaign. She won’t show up to her own inauguration. Yes, that’ll be awesome. We’ll love her even more. CNN will have a ticker on the bottom of the screen, like, “Day 312 of the president not showing up.” [audience laughing] It’ll cut to her in some coffee shop. “I told you I wasn’t gonna run.” [audience laughing] And then we’ll die, and we won’t be here to see what Gen Z puts in the White House. President Logan Paul. I don’t… Look. I don’t know. [audience groaning] President Joe Rogan. [audience groaning] He would… People, listen to me. I’ve also… I’ve known Joe since the ’90s. He is a sweet guy. He has gone off the rails. You know why? ‘Cause someone gave him a hundred million dollars. [audience laughs] That would drive anybody… He’s actually handling it better than I would. [audience laughs] If I had a fucking podcast about knitting and someone gave me a hundred million, I would fuck yarn on my podcast! [audience laughing] And Joe would be like, “Patton went fucking nuts. Oh my God.” [Patton chuckles] Aging isn’t bad if you don’t take it personally. That’s the key, you know. Treat it like it’s a… Pretend you’re Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, and you’re watching all this weird shit happen. You’re like, “Oh my!” Get a leather-bound notebook. Take notes, you know, late at night, like… “Oh. My farts smell like old books.” “That’s… Hmm.” [audience laughing] “But I’m not eating old books. This…” “This calls for further examination.” [audience laughing] “Day 17. Takes longer to stop peeing than it does to pee.” [audience laughing] It’s coming for all of us. I’m gonna leave you with this story about my, uh… Another breakdown that I had. Foot, all of it, it’s all coming apart. But you know what? We’re living in the 21st century and it’s okay. Always keep that in mind. Last year, last November, I had to have some minor surgery, right? And I’m gonna tell you the story. I’m gonna use a little AP English zhoosh to keep it from being horrifying, ’cause it is. I had to have some minor surgery, the kind of surgery that, um, I’ll put it this way, men my age who sit down a lot have to have. See where I’m going? So… And I’m worried. Still Covid. “Oh my God, what if I get an infection?” But I forgot I live in the 21st century. I have all these advantages in the plus column. On the day of the operation, I summoned a car with my phone. The car came. The guy was masked. I was masked. Car was clean, took me to the hospital. Doctor met me, showed me all the cleanliness protocols they had. He said, “This surgery, we’ve refined it.” “It only takes an hour. You’ll be out for an hour.” “You’ll go home today.” He put me under. I wake up an hour later. Oh my God, I’m fine. He goes, “You are fine.” “Here are some cutting-edge painkillers to help you with your recovery.” “You won’t feel a thing.” “Now take out your phone and summon another car.” “You live in the 21st century.” And I did, and the car took me home. And when I got home, I had a device onto which I could call, from the air, movies, books, television shows, music to entertain me while I recovered. Twenty-first century. When I left the hospital, the doctor said, “There’s a certain bodily function, that you’re used to doing every day.” “And for the next few days, you’re not gonna do it.” [audience laughs] “And then, after three or four days, all of a sudden, you will do it.” [audience laughing] “But the first time you do it, it will be doing you.” [audience laughing] “There’s no shame in it.” “It’s gonna happen, part of the recovery.” “Go heal in peace.” I go home. First day, I watch movies. I read books on my iPad. I go to sleep. Nothing happens. Next day, watch movies, read books on my iPad, go to sleep. Nothing happens. Third day, watch movies, read books on my iPad, go to sleep. 3:30 in the morning. [audience laughing] It happens. But I wake up as it’s happening and I can feel it coming. I’m half a second ahead of it. Oh my goodness, it’s not gonna be a disaster. I hop out of bed. Everything’s okay. I make it across the bedroom floor. I get into the bathroom. I’m ten feet away from the toilet. I’m gonna make it. [sings suspenseful melody] Boom! No. [audience laughing] I had managed to get my underwear and sweatpants off. [audience laughing] Which made things ten times worse. [audience laughing] Because now, our pristine white-tile bathroom… [audience laughing] …was decorated for autumn. How about that, huh? Yeah. [audience laughing] Happy Thanksgiving. So… [audience laughing] I’m standing there going, “Oh my God, I’ve got two choices. I can either clean myself off, or risk my wife coming in and seeing this disaster, which she doesn’t deserve.” So, I do the second choice. I clean up everything first. I get a bunch of towels. I get everything all cleaned up in a big, gross wad. I gotta take off all my clothes, including my shirt. I’d ruined my shirt. [audience laughing] Physics. So… [audience laughing] Take the whole wad down to the… And I’m nude now. Go down to the kitchen with this big wad of horror, take the bag out of the can, put this in the bag. Now, four in the morning, I gotta walk to the end of my driveway where the trash cans are. Get the thing open. Drop it. And I just stand there. [audience laughing] Nude. [audience laughing] 4:00 in the morning. And I just looked at the moon. [audience laughing] Like, hours ago, I was in the 21st century… [audience laughing] …with access to cutting-edge technology, medicine, transportation. And now, just a mere couple of hours later, I had been revealed as the naked ape I always was. [audience laughing] [applause] [cheering and applause] The naked, shit-covered ape that’s inside all of us. And I actually had a weird moment of peace, ’cause it was so awful, and I’m just like, “You know what? I’m actually as far away from the 21st century as I could possibly be right now.” “I’m actually closer to my Neanderthal forebears.” “There’s something weirdly cleansing about this.” And I had that feeling for, like, ten seconds. That’s when I remembered all my neighbors have ring cameras on their doors. [audience laughing] So everybody got their Christmas card that year. Thank you so much, Denver! [cheering and applause] Thank you! Thank you, guys. Thank you! Thank all of you. [“Hard to Kill” by Bleached playing] [kisses] Thank you! [cheering and applause continues] ♪ Place the gun to my heart ♪
♪ I don’t care ’cause Friday I’m in love ♪
♪ We had a plan, don’t make it weird ♪
♪ What I like, baby, it ain’t clear ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ I’m looking for a place to breathe ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ Drain me of my everything ♪
♪ Don’t go ♪
♪ I wanna, wanna trust you ♪
♪ Don’t go ♪
♪ Don’t go ♪
♪ All the cities that we burned down ♪
♪ Turns out I’m very hard to kill ♪
♪ After all the damage we’ve done ♪
♪ Turns out I’m very hard to kill ♪ [whistling] ♪ Birthday cards at the corner store ♪
♪ You grabbed a box of Slims And said, “I want more” ♪
♪ You’re so cool, you hate yourself ♪
♪ Lying on the floor In a stranger’s house ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ I’m looking for a place to… ♪ | [“Hard to Kill” by Bleached plays] [audience cheering and applauding] Hello! Denver! [cheering and applause continues] [Patton laughs] Oh my God! Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [cheering continues] Thank you. Oh my God! Yes! Thank you all so much for coming out tonight. Um… Hey, I broke my foot. Yeah. That’s how I started my year. I broke my foot. Uh… It was… It took two… It happened in two parts. Uh, the second part was I slipped off a curb and I landed wrong. That was the second part. The first and most important part was I turned 53. That is the crucial part. [audience laughs] I… You turn… Once you get past 50, everything’s fatal. I… When I was in my twenties, I would walk into propellers and put some Bactine on it. I was fine. And now if a pine cone falls near me, my spine implodes. I don’t know what… Like that. [audience laughs] Broke my foot, and then the day after… I’m gonna drop a name. All right. Uh, the day after I broke my foot, Glenn Howerton, my friend Glenn Howerton… [audience cheers] …who is almost 50, but for this bit he’s over 50. I needed to… Come on, who cares about logic? He broke his collarbone. So I called him up, gave him a little solidarity, a little support. “Hey, man. I broke my foot.” “What happened?” In my mind, I’m thinking, “Well, he was probably reaching for a bag of SunChips wrong, and his collarbone broke or something.” And he said, “Yeah, I was snowboarding. I landed a flip wrong.” All right. Fuck off. Fuck off. [audience laughing] You don’t need to go to that much hassle. Once you get to a certain age, you don’t need… I don’t even think that’s what happened. I think he’s lying to me. I think… I think somebody slammed a door near him, and then his collarbone fell into his ass cheek. And then he told his wife, “Duct-tape me to a snowboard and push me down a black diamond trail, please.” “Give me some dignity for God’s sake.” [audience laughing] I’m gonna drop another name. A month after I broke my foot, Tony Hawk broke his… [audience cheering] …broke his femur in two. Pow! Landed a vertical wrong. In his warehouse, doing his verticals, landed it wrong. Broke his femur. DMs me a picture of his X-ray. He’s like, “Looks like we’re in the same boat, buddy.” I’m like, “No, we’re fucking not.” You… [audience laughing] You just Jackie-Channed yourself into even more coolness. [audience laughs] He found a whole other level of cool. I slipped off a curb like someone’s aunt that saw a bird. That is how I went down. [audience laughs] I went down in the most embarrassing way possible. [audience chuckling] And the one weird thing that happened, ’cause when I did it I was still in my 23-year-old denial head of, “I just twisted my ankle. I’ll drive home.” I was at work. “I’ll drive home. I’ll be fine.” Driving home, it’s hurting worse. “Oh, this actually might be a real thing.” I get home. I can barely get out of the car now. And I’m limping across the street to my house. And it’s really hurting, and then a car pulls up, these two women are driving, and the driver rolls her window down and says, “You okay?” I’m like, “Oh, I twisted my ankle. I live right here.” “I’m going inside, put some ice on it.” And then, and this haunts me, she said, “Well, don’t give up.” [audience laughing] Which… Wait. What? Holy shit! What was the look on my face? [audience laughing] What did I… Did she… “He’s gonna kill himself. Pull over. Pull over.” “Hey, don’t give up.” “Let me play this Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush song. This’ll really…” “Let’s listen to this.” Maybe that was just my face left over from the shutdown and the pandemic. Is that how my face permanently is now? Because I didn’t do the shutdown well at all. I did a bad shutdown. I planned a great shutdown. I planned an amazing… Remember when the shutdown happened? Supposed to stay home, and you had that little memory of all the times you said, “If I could just get a month off, I could get my shit together.” [audience laughs] “I could get my life… I just need a month off.” I planned a great shutdown. I executed the worst one ever. Oh my God, the list I made. The list we all made. We all made the same list? Yes, you did. All the great books you were gonna read. All the great books. All the skills you were gonna learn. Oh my God, we couldn’t wait to work on ourselves. If I had actually followed the list that I made, there’d be a different man standing in front of you right now. He’d be 30 pounds lighter. He’d be speaking fluent Italian. [audience laughs] When all of you walked in, there would have been a handmade raspberry almond crumble tart on everyone’s chair, on each chair. I would have hand-milled the flour this morning. [audience laughing] You would have eaten it off of an origami plate. [audience laughs] When you’re done eating, you throw the plate down, it pops up into a frog. Oh my God! Oh, the plans I had! [audience laughing] I didn’t do any of that shit. I ate Doritos for breakfast, and I watched Deadwood twice all the way through. Watched it. Finished it. Back to episode one. Hit play. [audience laughing] That’s all I fucking did. And then I went crazier than a barn full of clown pubes. That is what I did during the shutdown. And listen, when I… When I say, “Crazier than a barn full of clown pubes…” [audience laughing] …I’m not kink-shaming. I’m not judging. [audience laughs] Clowns have as much right to have a varied and experimental, adventurous sex life. I’m saying the source of the crazy isn’t the clown pubes. It’s the having the thought and then the follow-through of “I’m gonna fill this barn…” [audience laughing] “…with the p…” I just want that to be clear. That the source of the crazy is the barn. The barn full of pubes isn’t even the crazy. It was the act of filling the barn… Listen, if you… If you just filled a barn with pubes, you’ve checked off the crazy box. [audience laughing] But this person went, “I’m putting obstructions in my way.” “I will only collect the pub…” Also, how do you… There’s no way to know. Clown pubes don’t look different. Like, they’re not bright orange. They’re not rainbow-colored. Look. Some are, but a lot… There’s a lot of… Listen. There… There’s a lot of non-clown pubes that are bright orange and rainbow-colored. That’s not what I’m saying here. What I’m saying is there’s no way that… Okay, this is what I’m saying. Wait. Fuck. Okay. If you… Like, okay, if you’re walking around… [audience laughing] …and there’s a barn, and you open those two big doors, there’s a wall of pubes, and you go, “Well, there’s a maniac roaming the countryside.” If someone said, “Those are only clown pubes.” Like, “Oh! We gotta call the National Guard.” Wait a minute. What? ‘Cause there’s no way to prove that. [audience laughing] Oh, okay, wait. You could do this. Every time… Every time that you collect… Not… Not a… Not a clump. That’s gross. Not a clump of… No. [audience laughing] Clump is too gross. Thatch? No. [audience laughs] Thatch is too folksy. That’s… That’s the other… Like, if Cracker Barrel opened a BDSM store, they would call it the Thatch of Pubes. That’s what it would be called. You’d go down to the Th… It’d probably be connected to the Cracker Barrel. You’d go in, get a nice breakfast, then go, “Hang on. I gotta pop into the Thatch of Pubes.” [audience laughs] “Pay the bill. I’ll meet you at the front.” [audience laughing] Thatch of Pu… ♪ Thatch of Pubes ♪ [audience laughs] [laughing] We… ♪ We’ve got nipple clamps And scented lubes ♪ [audience laughs] We’ve got floggers, and paddles, and dildos. Oh my! And a tower of butt plugs that kisses the sky. [audience laughs] Tell ’em Petunia the pube pig sent ya. [audience laughs] Oink. All right. Um… [audience laughs] Handful. Handful of clown pubes. That’s non-gender specific. Every time you collect a handful of clown pubes, you take a Polaroid. You have a Polaroid, so you’re kneeling down. You’re collecting the pubes. You got your baggy. Gotta do it full length. Get the whole clown in there. He or she’s gotta be in their wig, their makeup, holding that day’s newspaper… [audience laughing] …so you know. Then you take a hole-punch, punch a hole through the Polaroid, get a ribbon, put it through that hole, tie the other end of the ribbon to the… the… the handful of pubes, toss it in the barn… Every handful of pubes is accounted for. There you go. And that’s how you would pro… Fuck, no. No, you can’t. You know why? No, that doesn’t work, because then someone can go, “Technically, you didn’t fill the barn with pubes because the ribbon and the Polaroid took up…” No, it has to be complete confidence in the speaker and total trust in the listener. When you say I tho… This is what’s happening right now, okay? We’re starting this set out. Let’s go on a journey for the next hour. I started off pretty strong, I think. I think I’ve won your trust, but you know what? You shouldn’t 100%… No. Not yet though. [audience laughing] Because what you’ve got… Listen. What I’ve done, comedically, creatively, I have opened the barn doors. [audience laughing] And there’s a wall of pubes. [audience laughing] And yes, it’s impressive, but you’re right to go, “You know what?” “I bet that wall of pubes, I bet that’s a half an inch thick.” “And there’s a big sheet of plywood behind, and the rest of the barn is empty.” “I’ve been screwed over too many…” You’re right to think that. What I’m… This is what I’m doing. As a comedian, I’m inviting you… I’m saying I want you to run as hard as you can into this wall of pubes, and then, I want you to fight your way back, just fight your way to the back of the barn… [audience laughing] …until you’re cocooned in pubes. You know what I mean? At the back. And when your hand hits that back wall, you will think, “I met a man of honor.” That is what you will think. [audience laughing] That is what I want for us. Not me, not you, us. All of us. That’s what I want. Those are the kind of bits I wrote during the shutdown. I’d be awake for eight days in a row… [applause] Five in the morning, “The fucking Polaroid doesn’t even work!” Goddamn it! [audience cheering and applauding] I bought a trampoline. [audience laughs] Not a giant backyard… One of those little workout ones. Yeah. Little tiny trampoline. It’s called a rebounder. Awesome. You get up on it. You hop up and down, get the lymphatic system going, “Here you go. Ooh. Out, in. Forward, back. Ski it out.” Great workout. Got it right at the beginning of the pandemic. “I’m gonna stay fit during this thing, man. I got my new rebounder.” It came out of the box, not a speck of dust on it. Oh, I was so excited. I could feel how excited the rebounder was. You could feel it. He was like, “I’m gonna make a difference in this house.” “I belong here. I’m gonna change things for the better.” I’m like, “That’s right, little rebounder. Wanna go inside the house?” “You wanna go in the gym?” He’s like, “Yeah.” We have a gym in our house. It’s a room with an elliptical in it. We call it a gym. [audience laughs] I take him inside. Oh, he’s so excited. I put him down. “I’ll see you tomorrow, little rebounder.” He goes, “Yeah.” We both looked over at the elliptical. [audience laughs] Against the wall. Clothes hanging off of it. [audience laughs] Covered in dust. And I could feel the rebounder’s heart break. I could feel his… You know what it felt like? It felt like the rookie cop fresh out of the academy. He’s like, “Give me the worst precinct in town. I’ll turn it around!” “I’ve got progressive policing techniques, community outreach.” “I’ll make a difference.” And he shows up that first day, big thermos of green tea, little keto lunch, he’s all excited. Looks over in the corner, “Who’s at his desk?” The old homicide cop. [audience laughs] Eight bullet holes in him. Eleven colostomy bags. [audience laughing] He’s having his seventh Viceroy of the morning. [audience laughing] [Patton exhales] That’s the elliptical. [audience laughing] Looks at the little rookie rebounder, “You’re gonna learn, kid.” [audience laughing] “You think I didn’t have dreams when I came here, huh?” “I was top of the line!” “You can stream movies on me, TV shows, mountain programs, everything!” “Oh! I was gonna turn this house of fatties around.” [audience laughing] “That guy that just dropped you off, he was on me day one.” “Cute little workout outfit.” “Little iPhone. He downloaded a bunch of podcasts on it.” “Ooh, a thinker!” [audience laughing] “He gets up on me, stretch those little fat thighs, pumping them up and down.” [grunting] “Thought he was gonna go the distance.” “He didn’t make it past the first Blue Apron ad.” [inhales, exhales] [audience laughing] “Hopped off of me.” “Went and checked his texts in the crapper.” [audience laughs] “He never came back.” [audience laughs] “Oh, he’ll be here tomorrow.” “Oh, he’ll be in his little workout outfit.” “He’ll probably put a little playlist on his iPhone.” “Yeah.” “He’s a Gen X-er in his fifties.” “I bet it’ll be all early ’80s New Wave pop.” [audience laughs] “That’s how he’s gonna get thin. Nostalgia.” [audience laughs] “He’ll hop up on you, start jumping up and down like a gibbon full of Skittles.” [audience laughs] “What’ll be the first song he listens to? I can call it right now.” “It’ll be the Go-Go’s ‘Our Lips Are Sealed.'” “That’ll be the first song.” “And you’ll be all excited. ‘Oh, he’s gonna go the full hour'”! “He won’t make it past the bridge.” [audience laughs] “The minute Jane Wiedlin starts singing, “Hush my darling,” he’ll hop off of you, he’ll check his texts in the crapper.” “He’ll never come back.” [audience laughs] “Extinguish all joy within you, and nothing’ll ever hurt you again.” [audience laughs] I just pitched the saddest Pixar movie in the… If they do a movie with the Safdie brothers, that’s gotta be their movie. Harvey Keitel is the elliptical. [audience laughing] Timothée Chalamet is the rebounder. [audience laughing] And Frances McDormand is the half-inflated exercise ball. [audience laughs] Went fucking crazy during the shutdown. My rock-bottom, psychologically, during the shutdown happened on the same day as my wife and daughter’s. We all hit crazy rock-bottom at the same time. Um, it was a weekday. We’re all in the house, staying inside. Doing our part. Stop the spread. My daughter’s in the kitchen, and out of nowhere, she says, “Hey, there’s a weird guy in our backyard.” [audience laughing] What the fuck? I go running out, “What?” Looking out, “I don’t see anybody. You saw someone?” She goes, “Some weird guy just walked across our backyard and went around the back. He’s back there right now.” I’m like, “Oh shit!” We have cameras all over the property. I have an app on my phone. You click it and can look at what the camera sees. I’m waiting for it. I’m gonna go back and confront him. I just wanna know what I’m about to deal with. I don’t know what’s back there. What if it’s a lost hippie wanting someone to hacky-sack with him? “I’ll hacky-sack with you.” [audience laughing] Could be a maniac, nude, with a bucket of chicken on his dick, holding a sword. I don’t know what’s back… I just wanna be ready. [audience laughing] But the cameras aren’t loading, and I’m waiting for it. Goddamn it. And then my wife pushes past us, doesn’t say anything and goes striding across the back lawn. She’s got a white summer dress on flowing in the wind, barefoot. And she’s holding a pink, aluminum baseball bat. [audience laughing] And she has serious Manson girl energy coming off of her, like… [audience laughs] “Look at that hot, hippie chick that I wanna fuck and get murdered by.” “Yay.” [laughing] So, she… It takes me a second to realize what she’s doing, then I go clomping after her, in my flip-flops and cargo pants, but she’s already around the corner and she’s already laying into this guy. Before I can turn the corner, I hear her screaming at him, “Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck out of my yard!” “I will fuck you up.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] So… I… I turned the corner. She’s in a stance. [audience laughs] Like Uma in Kill Bill, she’s ready to go. [audience laughs] The guy she’s yelling at, little scruffy looking, didn’t look crazy, didn’t look homeless, holding a cell phone, just looked a little off, and she’s screaming and yelling at him, “What the fuck are you doing here?” Now I’m gonna stop the story and tell you what was actually happening. There was something wrong with our air conditioner. I… [audience laughing] I called our contractor and said, “Can you send someone to the house to fix the AC?” Without telling us, he gave this guy our address and gate code and sent him to the house. So yes, massive misunderstanding. My wife is now screaming at him, and she’s just fucking… Just blazing Valkyrie, shrieking at the top of her lungs at this guy, “Who the fuck are you?” Now, to his discredit… [audience laughing] …when there is a blazing-eyed Valkyrie holding a vagina-colored piece of metal… [audience laughing] …threatening to kill you, answer in short, declarative sentences. [audience laughing] [applause] This guy… This guy was going, “Who’s anybody really, man? Like…” “Every day was… Oh, the wheel in the sky…” Oh, goddamn it. Now she’s got both hands on the bat. She’s gonna swing on the guy. And then he looks at me. And when he looks at me, that’s when he gets scared. [audience laughs] He started saying, “My name is Michael. Your guy Steve sent me here to figure…” And my wife’s like, “Oh my God, he didn’t tell us. I’m so sorry.” “Oh my God, I’m gonna call him right now.” “I’m… This was… This really got off on the wrong foot.” “How about you leave…” The guy was more than happy to leave. [audience laughs] I’m sure he was driving home going, “That poor bastard. Oh my God.” “I’m sure the sex is amazing but…” Um… [audience laughing] A lot of you hear the story and go, “That’s not very manly of you.” “You let your wife… God knows what could’ve happened!” I argue the opposite. [audience laughs] I say that our timing and placement made us a more effective home invasion deterrent. [audience laughs] ‘Cause remember he never got scared when she was screaming at him? He just kept going, “I…” You know why? He couldn’t process what he was seeing. [audience laughs] Gorgeous Valkyrie, vagina-colored metal, screaming. Too much. Too fucking much. Couldn’t process it. And also, again, the energy she’s giving off is outer-space sex vixen about to murder you. [audience laughing] Can’t process it. You know what he could process? Me. Standing five feet behind her, ’cause the energy I was giving off was, “I can’t do nothing when she gets like this.” “I… I tried to get her to go to the nervous hospital, see?” “She said she’d burn the house down.” “She’s killed so many Amazon delivery drivers.” “I can’t dig no more holes in the desert. Please just run!” [audience laughing] I’m doing some poses that we can freeze for the Netflix save screen. A little… [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] [Patton chuckles] [audience laughing] There’s gotta be… What if I did… What if I use… Here’s what I’m gonna do. Watch. Like this. [audience laughing and cheering] Now, look. That’s… That’s not a bit in the special, but if you’re watching Netflix, and that “coming up next,” you’re like, “Let’s watch a minute of that.” Like, “What the fuck is this?” [audience laughing] [Patton chuckling] I’m vaxxed and boosted. Yes, I am. Thank you. It shouldn’t… [cheering and applause] Thank you. But… That… Look. Thank you. It’s also sad that gets applause at this point, isn’t it? You get applause for taking the most basic care of your health? That’s like me going, “Folks, I wipe after I shit. Thank…” No. No, no. [cheering and applause] People. No. I’m no… I’m no hero now. It’s the lumberjacks who cut down the trees that make the toilet… Those are the heroes. [audience laughing] [man] Yeah! [chuckles] I assume there’s a lumberjack here. All right, um… [audience laughs] [Patton chuckles] Or a really enthusiastic wiper. Um… [audience laughing] I got my vax right when the vax came out. Immediately. I didn’t jump the line. I didn’t use my privilege, but… I acted on some inside information, and I feel bad about this. This is how I did it. Uh… Right when the vaccine came out, I have a friend, lives out in Riverside. And he calls me and says, “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but, uh, out where I’m living, it’s MAGA country.” “No one is getting the vaccine.” “There’s a Rite Aid near me, a woman sitting at a table.” “Everyone that walks in she asks if they want it. No one will get it.” “They’re throwing crates of this shit out the back.” “If you drive out here, you will get a shot.” “Don’t even make an appointment.” So I drove out there. I walk in. There’s a woman at a table. I go, “Hi, excuse me. I’d like to get a vaccine.” She was like, “You would?” Like, she had no… [audience laughing] She had run out of Tolkien novels to read. Like, “Yeah. Let me get you set up.” Like, “Go stand over there.” While I’m waiting, my friend was right, everyone that walked in, “Would you like a vaccine?” “No, thank you.” And one guy gave her a, uh… “[scoffs] Yeah, no thanks.” [audience laughs] Like, “Yeah, nice try, Deep State. I think I’m gonna, uh…” “I think I’m gonna stay tracker-free for the time being if that’s all right.” “Hang on. Yeah. I’m at the Rite Aid again. Yeah.” “They tried to get a fucking track… Hang on. I’m losing you.” “There you are. Yeah, no. I’m off the grid, man. That’s…” “Right. I’ll call you later.” Got my shot. Got my second shot, then boosted twice. I’m fucking fine. In 1955, the polio vaccine came out. 1955. We were two years away from satellites. There were no satellites! And America could not have been more backward, racist, homophobic, sexist, and these non-satellite-having, racist dipshits lined the fuck up to get their fucking vaccine! [cheering and applause] What the fuck! [cheering and applause continues] “Give me that shot. I can’t police these water fountains from a wheelchair.” [audience laughing] “I can’t beat up queers inside an iron lung! Give me my science!” “What am I, a caveman?” [audience laughing] Now it’s the year 2022, which, first off, doesn’t sound like a real year, does it? [audience laughs] Doesn’t that sound made up? Like you’re watching a cheap science-fiction film, “In the year 2022…” “Oh, you’re just throwing numbers together. Jesus!” “Who wrote this shit?” [audience laughs] It’s 2022. We have robots on Mars. They send us TikTok videos. [audience laughing] Half of the country’s like, “That needle’s got witch poison in it, I tells ya.” “You ain’t putting no witch poison in me.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] “Keep your wizard jab away from me.” “I got to watch the video that the Mars robot sent to the world brain I keep it in my pocket.” [audience laughing] “But keep all that science away from me.” If that attitude had existed in 1955, the government would have had to do one of those PSAs, like a little cartoon dancing, hypodermic needle coming out, you know. [audience laughing] “Who do I gotta blow to cure polio?” Like little… [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] Yes. That’s right, jabby. Tell everyone about your benefits. [audience laughs] “My benefits? Your fucking legs work. How’s that for a benefit?” [audience laughs] “You medieval shitheads.” [audience laughing] It’s a different world now, man. It’s a different world. Isn’t it? Cruise ships? Oh, you’ll never see a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye. Our grandkids won’t know what a buffet is. Oh. [audience laughs] Fuck, Covid changed everything. First off, every cruise ship is booked up to the year 2026. People cannot wait to get aboard the plague barge and sail the bounding main. “Oh, let me die near a water slide!” [audience laughing] Not only are buffets gonna come back, they’re gonna come back with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance. Every one of them’s gonna have an agenda. “Come on down to Captain Covid’s Alpha Males Only buffet!” [audience laughing] “You the kind of left-wing soy boy that needs a sneeze guard over your clam chowder, or are you able to fuck your wife?” “Then come on down to Captain Covid’s…” [audience laughing] “You show us proof you ain’t been vaccinated, you get a free platter of room-temperature scallops.” [audience laughing] “That’s right.” [chuckles] Oh… I was listening to ’70s on 7 on the way here. Yeah, on my XM Sirius satellite dial. You like ’70s music? You hit number seven. All the ’70s music you can have, ’70s on 7. You like ’80s music? You hit number eight. [audience laughs] ’80s on 8. Do you like ’90s music? Guess what you hit. Number nine! [audience laughing] Do you like ’40s music? Well, you don’t hit number four. You used to, ’40s on 4. Now, channel 71. ’40s Junction. You like ’50s music? Well, it’s channel 72. ’50s Gold. You like ’60s music? Seventy-three, ’60s Gold. Why did those three channels get moved to the outer rim of the XM Sirius universe? I will tell you why. Their listeners are dying. [audience laughing] ’40s, ’50s, ’60s. Those listeners are dropping like… The fucking ’40s channel has five listeners left. [audience laughing] Three World War II veterans and a couple of contrarian hipsters. That’s it. That’s all that’s left. “You know who’s punk rock? Artie Shaw.” Fuck off. [audience laughing] And we can laugh and enjoy it, but hey, during our lifetimes, ’70s, ’80s, ’90s will go marching up the dial. That’s how you can track how the generations are dying, by where they’re putting the stations. [audience laughing] Keep the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s easy. I hope when they do that, that they take a little time and give some consideration to the names the way they did for the ’40s channel, ’40s Junction, train station, evocative. I get it. Picture in my head. And then they just gave up. ’50s Gold, ’60s… Ah, who care… What? You couldn’t do “Poodle Skirts and Milkshakes”? You couldn’t do “Patchouli Oil and Love Beads,” or whatever? [audience laughing] Give the ’70s channel a name emblematic of the decade. You know, “Your Mother and I Are Separating Radio.” How about that? That’s good. Sure. [audience laughing] Yeah. “Giant Candles Everywhere For Some Reason Tunes.” [audience laughing] The ’80s could be “Trapper Keeper Tunes.” [audience cheering and applauding] And then the ’90s channel could just be… [groans] [audience laughing] [groaning] I don’t know… That was Abra Moore’s “Four-Leaf Clover” on… [groans] [audience laughing] [groans] [audience laughing] Hi. Do you live here in Denver, ma’am? I live in Colorado Springs. [Patton] You live in Colorado Springs? Nice. Thank you for making the drive. [woman] No problem. Okay. What do you… [laughing] Okay, glad I got that straight. It wasn’t a problem. Thank God. Okay. Guys, it wasn’t a problem. It’s cool. [audience laughing] [Patton chuckles] Do you work in Colorado Springs? What do you do? I’m a doctor. [Patton] You’re a doctor. Oh my God, a brainiac. All right, um… What kind of medicine do you practice? I’m a pediatric neurologist. Pediatric neurologist. Oh my God! [audience cheering] You’re like… [cheering and applause] You are serving your community. You are helping children. You have a positive job that you have a positive attitude towards. This is comedy death. I need to get off of you right now. There’s nothing here. [audience laughing] I need to talk to a meth cook or a divorcee. This is… [audience laughs] “I help children live.” [sliding beep] All right. Shit. [audience laughing] Is this, uh… Are you with her? You guys together? Is this the hubby? The husband. The husband. What do you do, sir? I’m a lawyer. [Patton] You’re a lawyer? Ah… [audience laughing] [kisses] Finally. [audience laughing] Some evil. [audience laughing and applauding] Oh God, if it’s some kind of positive community outreach law, I’m gonna fucking… What kind of law do you practice, sir? I prosecute juvenile sex crimes. You prosecute juvenile sex offenders. Well… [audience laughing] When you say juvenile sex offenders, do you mean people who commit sex offenses against juveniles, or juveniles who are sex offenders? Juveniles who are sex offenders. Juveniles who are sex offenders. Gotta be very careful with the phrasing. And when you say… And then what happens? Like, they get… Why am I…? What is this, a…? I gotta… Me sitting down was good for that one laugh. I’m not gonna do the rest of my show like, “So what do you do?” [audience laughing] What the hell am I doing? [applause] You are prosecuting the juvenile sex offenders. Okay. And you are a neurological pediatrician. So a kid whose brain maybe isn’t working correctly, you help fix it. And the ones you can’t fix, he puts away, right? Is that how… [audience laughing] There we go. [audience laughing] There’s your next Marvel team-up. All right. So… [laughs] [audience laughing] That was cute and dark at the same time. Rare to find that. It’s like a goth girl holding a kitten. All right. [audience laughing] How about you? Do you live here in Denver? [man] I do. You do? What do you do in Denver? Uh, I work in a bar and I’m a student. You work in a bar and you’re a student. Oh, it’s a 1980s Tom Hanks movie. All right. So… [audience laughing] What are you studying right now? Uh, cybersecurity. Cybersecurity. And then, by day, he patrols the Internet. At night, it’s Slippery Nipples for secretaries, right? [audience laughing] What, uh… So you’re a bartender, and so do you want to eventually work in cybersecurity? Obviously. [man] Yeah. And the bartending’s paying the bills. Paying for you to learn. What is the… What’s the scariest thing you’ve learned so far in terms of cybersecurity? How close are we to some huge hack attack where suddenly the ATMs don’t work and all of our porn searches are on the internet? When does that happen? [audience laughs] Um… Pretty much nothing is private. [Patton] Pretty much nothing is private. Well, we all know that at this point. That’s not… Oh my God, have you ever… Okay, when you were growing up, was there, like, some asshole that bullied you or was really shitty, and now that you’re learning your cybersecurity skills, you could go digging into this person’s life and just dis-fucking-mantle it if you wanted to? [audience laughing] Has that temptation ever crossed your head? Pretty frequently. Have you… Oh! Have you done searches of old bullies’ names and stuff like that? I’ve… I’ve chosen not to. You’ve chosen not to. [audience laughs] That is a very lawyerly response. That was… Did you catch that? [audience laughing] Oh, man. Is this the wife or girlfriend? Uh, yes. [Patton] Which one? [laughter] Girlfriend. [Patton] Girlfriend! Oh! And what do you do? I’m an educator. [Patton] You’re an educator. And what do you… Thank you. [cheering and applause] Wow. What, uh… What do you… What areas do you educate in? I help high schoolers, um, access free college credit. Help high schoolers access free college credit. Does the… That’s cool. Does the, um… Does the sleeve tattoo help break the ice when they’re like, “She’s cool”? “She’s all right.” Yep. That must help. [woman] It does, yeah. Do you go in with the sleeve tattoo visible? Or do they make you wear a long sleeve? I bust it all out. [Patton] You bust it all out, sit there… “Let’s get you some fucking credit while you look at The Gashlycrumb Tinies right there, man. There you go.” You got some ink too. How long you been going out? Three years. Four. Three or four years. Three or four years. [audience laughing] Mmm. Some cybersecurity, if you know what I’m saying. Ah, come on, people. Um… [audience laughing] Are you… Do you live together? Oh, nice! Are you gonna… She looks awesome in… And then he can get you, like, free credit card shit and everything. I mean, come on. [audience laughs] It’s a match made in heaven. Make it happen. Couldn’t he use his cybersecurity to get kids free college credit? Change their grades, get them into Harvard. There’s another fucking team-up. All right. [audience cheering and applauding] I have two superhero teams in the front row. Oh, hello sir. [audience laughing] Shorts in the front row. Ballsy. [audience laughing] That’s it. You have way more self-confidence than I will ever have. Do you live here in Denver? I do. [Patton] And what do you do in Denver? I work in Boulder, actually. You work in Boulder. Live in Denver, work in Boulder. What do you do in Boulder? I work for a grocery store. You work for a grocery store. With that facial hair? They’re cool with that or…? [laughter] What… I’m not gonna ask what grocery store. That’s weird. [man] I bet you can figure it out. Probably could. Hang on. What is your specific job at the grocery store? I’m a manager. You’re a manager at the grocery store. Do you manage the whole store or one department? Um… Yeah. [audience laughing] Yeah, part of it. Yeah. Part of it. The liquor section? What part do you, um…? [audience laughing] You seem amazed at hearing that you’re working at a grocery store coming out of you. “I work at a grocery store! I…” [audience laughing] [Patton chuckling] And, uh, who are you here with? Is this your friend? There’s your friend. And where do you work? Uh, I work from home. You work from home. [man] In sales. In sales. I sell light bulbs. [Patton] You sell light bulbs. Are you asking me? You seem to be like, “I sell light…” You’re answering my questions like I’m a homicide cop. You’re like, “I-I sell light bulbs?” Like, it’s not… [audience laughing] You sell light bulbs from your home. I’m a lighting salesman. You’re a lighting salesman, so you stay in your house. You call people up or get on the internet with them? On the internet. On the internet. And you try to sell them light bulbs. Absolutely. Individuals or corporations? Both. [Patton] Both. That’s so fucking weird. [audience laughs] I just… I don’t know how… So you get on Zoom calls with them, and go, “Really quick, turn on all your lights.” [audience laughing] “It’s pretty shitty, huh?” “Well, I’ve got a solution for you.” [laughing] [audience laughing] You’re not far. That’s so fucking interesting. Okay. You two are delightful, and you are not a superhero team. I’m sorry. [audience laughs] That is… I don’t know what the hell you are. There’s a guy who works at a Trader… Doesn’t quite know what he does there. Another guy gets on Zoom calls and sells light bulbs. I think you have a weird OnlyFans. You’re just covering for it now. You don’t really sell light bulbs. [man] It’s the DC Universe. Oh, DC Universe. Very… Oh… I’ll do the nerd shit, my friend. All right. [audience laughing] Don’t you dare! [audience laughing] That was a fun front row. Give them a round of applause. Thank you, guys. Wow. [cheering and applause] I love the flow of that. You know, doctor, lawyer, cybersecurity, educator, sort of groceries, light bulbs, I guess. I don’t know. [groans] [audience laughing] Perfectly paced. [kisses] [audience laughing] [sighs] You know what doesn’t age well? Woke. [audience laughs] It really doesn’t. I’m woke, I think. But you know what? I won’t be someday, and so will all of you. [audience laughs] Be woke. Be open-minded. Just don’t pat yourself on the back, ’cause it’ll bite you in the ass. Everyone getting cancelled now for not being woke was woke about something, they just couldn’t keep up with progress. Progress will always fucking steamroller you. I’m very pro-trans, very pro-gay marriage, gay rights, and pro-abor… No, no, no. No. No. [cheering and applause] That’s not… What I’m saying is that is going to blow up in my face someday. I’ll be doing comedy when I’m 70, and I will let slip something that I won’t be able to keep up with. I’ll be like, “I don’t think people should fuck their clones.” “Boo!” There’ll be some weird, like… [audience laughing] “No wait, I’m pro-trans.” “Fuck you, clone hater!” [audience laughing] “No, I’m totally progressive!” #Stopclonehate, then I gotta… Then I’ll double down. “When I grew up, you didn’t jerk off in a test tube and fuck whatever came out of it! If that makes me the bad guy, I’m sorry!” [audience laughing] “Boo!” [Patton chuckles] By the way, that’s how you know if you’re a… uh, if you’re an oppressed minority, or, you know, a fringe group that used to be shit on, and now you know that you’ve made it when straight, white people start asking you if jokes are okay. That’s when you know… The trans community really broke through because all of a sudden, straight, white people’ll be like, “Is this okay?” “Does this joke work? Is that okay?” You know. But either way, that means in the future, straight, white people are gonna be the minority, then they’re gonna have assholes like, “Hey, I’m doing a joke about a straight, white dude, and, um, I have him bowling. Is that okay? You guys bowl, right? Like that’s…” [audience laughing] “It’s not offensive?” “He’s listening to Limp Bizkit, ‘ironically, ‘ okay?” [audience laughing] “It’s ironic. I’m doing it ironically.” [Patton chuckles] Goddamn, these last six years. Holy shit. I was in such a panic in 2016, then all the subsequent years, “What the hell’s going on? Oh my God. Is America coming to an end?” No. You know what? It isn’t. It’s bad right now, but everything that’s happening is supposed to be happening right now. Do you know what 2016 was? It was the boomers’ last temper tantrum. [audience cheering] That’s what that was. [cheering and applause] The boomers’ last temper tantrum. Every time a generation gets old, they panic because death is scary and gross, and they put someone shitty in the White House before they go. This has happened before. The greatest generation… The greatest generation, oh my God, fought the Nazis, saved the world from tyranny, came back, built the suburbs, raised the baby boomers, then they started getting old. Hair turned gray, dick didn’t work anymore, hemorrhoids and hysterectomies. They panicked. Now it’s the late ’70s. Punk music, they don’t know what’s going on. “Fuck this.” “Put the old cowboy movie actor in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!” “I was here, goddamn it!” [applause] Then the baby boomers grew up. Think of the baby boomers. They were on the cutting edge of sex, rock and roll, rebellion… They owned youth, and then they got fucking old. [audience laughing] And their hair got gray, and their dick stopped working, hemorrhoids and hysterectomies, fucking Gen X and Gen Z making fun of them on Twitter and TikTok. All this hip-hop music they don’t understand. Now they’re, “Oh my God, I’m about to die. What the fuck is going on?” “Put the racist game show host in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!” “I was here!” [laughter and applause] I’m Gen X. Well, our temper tantrum is going to be beyond ugly. [audience laughing] When we start getting old, our dicks stop working, our hair goes gray, God knows who we’re gonna put in the White House. It’s gonna be either Eddie Vedder or Janeane Garofalo. One of those two. I don’t know. [cheering and applause] Look. I love those guys. Janeane would be a horrible president. [audience laughs] I’ve known her since the ’90s. I love her. She would tell you that herself. Janeane, you should be president. “I’m not doing that shit.” Oh my God, wait a minute. That’s how she’ll win. [audience laughs] Think of how Gen X thinks. Like, “That’s exactly the attitude we need.” [audience laughs] That’s perfect. “No, I’m serious. I’m not doing it.” Yeah, we know, yes. [audience laughing] She’ll blow off a debate. She won’t campaign. She won’t show up to her own inauguration. Yes, that’ll be awesome. We’ll love her even more. CNN will have a ticker on the bottom of the screen, like, “Day 312 of the president not showing up.” [audience laughing] It’ll cut to her in some coffee shop. “I told you I wasn’t gonna run.” [audience laughing] And then we’ll die, and we won’t be here to see what Gen Z puts in the White House. President Logan Paul. I don’t… Look. I don’t know. [audience groaning] President Joe Rogan. [audience groaning] He would… People, listen to me. I’ve also… I’ve known Joe since the ’90s. He is a sweet guy. He has gone off the rails. You know why? ‘Cause someone gave him a hundred million dollars. [audience laughs] That would drive anybody… He’s actually handling it better than I would. [audience laughs] If I had a fucking podcast about knitting and someone gave me a hundred million, I would fuck yarn on my podcast! [audience laughing] And Joe would be like, “Patton went fucking nuts. Oh my God.” [Patton chuckles] Aging isn’t bad if you don’t take it personally. That’s the key, you know. Treat it like it’s a… Pretend you’re Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, and you’re watching all this weird shit happen. You’re like, “Oh my!” Get a leather-bound notebook. Take notes, you know, late at night, like… “Oh. My farts smell like old books.” “That’s… Hmm.” [audience laughing] “But I’m not eating old books. This…” “This calls for further examination.” [audience laughing] “Day 17. Takes longer to stop peeing than it does to pee.” [audience laughing] It’s coming for all of us. I’m gonna leave you with this story about my, uh… Another breakdown that I had. Foot, all of it, it’s all coming apart. But you know what? We’re living in the 21st century and it’s okay. Always keep that in mind. Last year, last November, I had to have some minor surgery, right? And I’m gonna tell you the story. I’m gonna use a little AP English zhoosh to keep it from being horrifying, ’cause it is. I had to have some minor surgery, the kind of surgery that, um, I’ll put it this way, men my age who sit down a lot have to have. See where I’m going? So… And I’m worried. Still Covid. “Oh my God, what if I get an infection?” But I forgot I live in the 21st century. I have all these advantages in the plus column. On the day of the operation, I summoned a car with my phone. The car came. The guy was masked. I was masked. Car was clean, took me to the hospital. Doctor met me, showed me all the cleanliness protocols they had. He said, “This surgery, we’ve refined it.” “It only takes an hour. You’ll be out for an hour.” “You’ll go home today.” He put me under. I wake up an hour later. Oh my God, I’m fine. He goes, “You are fine.” “Here are some cutting-edge painkillers to help you with your recovery.” “You won’t feel a thing.” “Now take out your phone and summon another car.” “You live in the 21st century.” And I did, and the car took me home. And when I got home, I had a device onto which I could call, from the air, movies, books, television shows, music to entertain me while I recovered. Twenty-first century. When I left the hospital, the doctor said, “There’s a certain bodily function, that you’re used to doing every day.” “And for the next few days, you’re not gonna do it.” [audience laughs] “And then, after three or four days, all of a sudden, you will do it.” [audience laughing] “But the first time you do it, it will be doing you.” [audience laughing] “There’s no shame in it.” “It’s gonna happen, part of the recovery.” “Go heal in peace.” I go home. First day, I watch movies. I read books on my iPad. I go to sleep. Nothing happens. Next day, watch movies, read books on my iPad, go to sleep. Nothing happens. Third day, watch movies, read books on my iPad, go to sleep. 3:30 in the morning. [audience laughing] It happens. But I wake up as it’s happening and I can feel it coming. I’m half a second ahead of it. Oh my goodness, it’s not gonna be a disaster. I hop out of bed. Everything’s okay. I make it across the bedroom floor. I get into the bathroom. I’m ten feet away from the toilet. I’m gonna make it. [sings suspenseful melody] Boom! No. [audience laughing] I had managed to get my underwear and sweatpants off. [audience laughing] Which made things ten times worse. [audience laughing] Because now, our pristine white-tile bathroom… [audience laughing] …was decorated for autumn. How about that, huh? Yeah. [audience laughing] Happy Thanksgiving. So… [audience laughing] I’m standing there going, “Oh my God, I’ve got two choices. I can either clean myself off, or risk my wife coming in and seeing this disaster, which she doesn’t deserve.” So, I do the second choice. I clean up everything first. I get a bunch of towels. I get everything all cleaned up in a big, gross wad. I gotta take off all my clothes, including my shirt. I’d ruined my shirt. [audience laughing] Physics. So… [audience laughing] Take the whole wad down to the… And I’m nude now. Go down to the kitchen with this big wad of horror, take the bag out of the can, put this in the bag. Now, four in the morning, I gotta walk to the end of my driveway where the trash cans are. Get the thing open. Drop it. And I just stand there. [audience laughing] Nude. [audience laughing] 4:00 in the morning. And I just looked at the moon. [audience laughing] Like, hours ago, I was in the 21st century… [audience laughing] …with access to cutting-edge technology, medicine, transportation. And now, just a mere couple of hours later, I had been revealed as the naked ape I always was. [audience laughing] [applause] [cheering and applause] The naked, shit-covered ape that’s inside all of us. And I actually had a weird moment of peace, ’cause it was so awful, and I’m just like, “You know what? I’m actually as far away from the 21st century as I could possibly be right now.” “I’m actually closer to my Neanderthal forebears.” “There’s something weirdly cleansing about this.” And I had that feeling for, like, ten seconds. That’s when I remembered all my neighbors have ring cameras on their doors. [audience laughing] So everybody got their Christmas card that year. Thank you so much, Denver! [cheering and applause] Thank you! Thank you, guys. Thank you! Thank all of you. [“Hard to Kill” by Bleached playing] [kisses] Thank you! [cheering and applause continues] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-live-sunset-strip-1982-full-transcript/ | RICHARD PRYOR: LIVE ON THE SUNSET STRIP (1982) – Full Transcript | richard pryor | Recorded at the Circle Star Theater in San Carlos, California, in 1981 and at The Hollywood Palladium in Hollywood, California, in 1982. Ladies and gentlemen, live on the Sunset Strip, Richard Pryor! “Women”
We are gathered here today… to make sure… everyone eats. If not each other… food. I was gonna talk about something that’s very serious… and I hope no one gets offended. I wanna talk about fucking. And sometimes I talk about it. And a lot of people in the audience… don’t know what I mean. So would you raise your hand it you don’t know what fucking is… so we can watch your ass when you leave here? Because not enough fuckin’… goin’ on in America. Americans. Reagan get in, you stop fuckin’. We fucked when Carter was in. We fucked all the time. There wasn’t nothin’ else to do. “Hey. Let’s fuck.” President makin’ a speech. “Let’s fuck.” Reagan in. Now. Everybody listen to this motherfucker. “We can’t fuck now.” I say get them last few fucks in now. See. I know one of the advantages. When you’re in show business, the little extra treat you get… is that you get pussy. And, you know… the great pussy drought of the ’50s? I was caught up in that motherfucker. I’m talkin’ about… I discovered masturbating by accident. I’m not lying. I was about ten. I was in the tub. And that’s when you used to have to hold your dick with two fingers. You remember when you was little like that? Right? I was in the tub. I said. “Hey. I’m on to something here. I bet Dad don’t know about this.” And then when you was young, remember. Men… We didn’t come or nothin’. You just made that tunny feelin’. You know. You… First time I came, ejaculated. Scared the fuck out of me. Man. I thought somethin’ was wrong. Right? I was with this woman. I said. “Look what the fuck you done did!” About an hour later though. I was back goin’. “Can you do it again?” Women are so cool about sex. They like it as much as we do. But they can be cooler. You say, “Do you wanna fuck?” “No.” And they go home and have all that electrical equipment. I can’t get off behind that long shit. Nothin’. I remember one time I got some Playboy bunny pussy. I thought I was in the big time. Goin’ home with a Playboy bunny! You dig? We was gonna have a nice little midnight snack. I went to her apartment. Her apartment was bad! It was one of those apartments that if I don’t get the pussy… I can fuck this couch. We started talkin’. She had seen my act. She said, “I really like the way you do those little kids in your act. Them’s great. Can you talk like a little kid?” I said. “What? Now?” “Yeah. Just do a little.” “I feel funny. I mean… okay. You mean. Like, when I do this? Like that?” She said, “Yeah.” I say. “You like that. Huh?” And she started taking off clothes. And the more clothes she took off. The younger I got. When she got to her panties. I was on the floor talking about… She gave birth to me about 9:30.
Can I get some water? There was supposed to be a stool and some water. Is it April Fools’? Oh. This is the one. I have to walk way the fuck over there to get some water. Thank you. Brother. Don’t trip. You’re nervouser than me. Shit. Thank you. I wish I had had a pitcher of that shit. Thank you. – What’s in it? – Huh? Water. As far as I know. I hope I don’t start tripping. Did that… Was that here all the time? That motherfucker been there all the time? Wait a minute. We don’t know nothin’… but the photographic memory. This motherfucker was not here. See. We may not be literate. But we visual than a motherfucker. Just needed a little water… to relax… calm down. ‘Cause I feel the tension from you all. You all want me to do so well. I want to do so well for you. But let’s relax and enjoy… whatever the fuck happens. ‘Cause I got my check. I’m gonna tell you something. I got so fuckin’ nervous… myself. Today. I forgot what the fuck I did. I was at home. I said, “I know I do somethin’… ’cause there’s too many white folks paying attention to me… for me not to be in jail and shit.” I used to think when I first started. I said… “Maybe I ain’t funny no more. You know. Maybe I ain’t angry at nothin’ tor real in my heart, you know.” I’d just say. “I’m just not mad about it. I don’t get it. Motherfuckers wanna kill yourselves. That’s your business. Just don’t do it on my porch.” And it really takes a lot to start workin’ again on stage… because then your mind ain’t there and your spirit… and you’re tryin’ to go for it. And greed is a bitch. Greed says, “Go ahead and do it. They offer you so much money… and you’re greedy.” And then your manager is larger than anything, right? He says. “But you’re not like that. You don’t want to rip people oft. You try and do the best… and you go out there and you make an ass of yourself… embarrass your friends. Hold your dick.” My greed does not exceed my self-respect. My greed is good. Though. Greed is runnin’ a close motherfuckin’ second. When I’m asleep. Greed is workin’ on the self-respect somewhere. “Say. Why don’t you just do it tor a little more?” But I do a lot of shit now that I never did when I didn’t have money. I didn’t have the problems I have now, like watchin’ motherfuckers count it. I must drive my accountant crazy. I wake up at 3:00 in the morning going, “Hey. Man, what the fuck? How much is it? Well. Prove it. Bring it over.” “But it’s three in the morning.” “Fuck that. I want to see it now.” And I got lawyers and shit. Lawyers are some expensive motherfuckers. And I got lawyers and shit. Lawyers are some expensive motherfuckers. I got a lawyer. First week. The motherfucker… brought me a bill for $40,000. I said, “Motherfucker. I just met you!” And lawyers, they don’t get upset. Right? “Goddamn it! Why is this…” “Don’t worry. Everything will be all right.” “No, but I wanna know why you…” “Take it easy.” And you leave there feelin’ like an asshole. You be goin’, “What the fuck am I yellin’ about? They calm. I’m just facing 47 years.” Them motherfuckers will keep you out of the penitentiary… and out of a lot of courts. But it’s gonna cost a lot! Some people must say. “Fuck it. I’ll go to the penitentiary. You motherfuckers cost too much. I can do ten years in the penitentiary and get off better… than these 30 you’re gonna put on me.” I met some lawyers, right? I had a guy I’m suing. A black attorney who was my brother. Right on. He was. It was beautiful. My brother. The motherfucker took me hook, line and sinker… on dry land. I don’t know. I just know that this is wonderful. Especially this suit… that I have on. I thought if I have a monkey, me and this suit will be hot. ‘Cause I can’t wear this kind of shit real comfortable. You have to be cool. Billy Dee Williams could hang in this motherfucker. Me, when I wear shit like this. I’m always afraid… that one motherfucker somewhere will say… “What you doin’ in that red suit. You ugly motherfucker?
“I don’t fuck around anymore, since I got married. I am married. I don’t fuck around. That’s right. When you are married… say you don’t fuck around it you got any brains. My wife: “What? Did you fuck…” “No, I was not fucking her. I don’t care what you think you saw. I was not fucking her. Now. Are you gonna believe me or your lying eyes? I was not fucking her.” And my wife… My wife has been putting up with me… We went together six years before the bitch landed me. She paid dues… ’cause I am no day at the beach. I know I’m hard to get along with. I know that… ’cause I might wake up in the morning and go… “Hey. Wake up. What was that shit you said last February?” This is my forth, fifth, sixth marriage. Eighth? I don’t know. But I remember every woman that I was ever in love with. I remember all 12 of them. I really do. They were wonderful. It’s just… I’ve never been able to have a… what they call sustain a relationship. That’s what it’s called now. In other words. When you stop wantin’ to be with the motherfucker, you leave. That’s what I do. Most people hang around till the shit get… makes you look ugly and shit… and you be hangin’ out with a bitch you don’t want to be with. “Yeah. This is my lady.” That gets you into feelings and shit. When you get married… you have to feel. My wife says, “Feel. Express your feelings. Darling, don’t lock it up. Just speak your mind.” When I was just fuckin’ around. I didn’t have to say shit but… “Can I fuck? Good-bye. Here’s the money for a cab.” But now, it’s different when you’re married. This is about the time I’ve been married… and it’s really exciting. Because I really am trying. I really am trying. I’m telling you, I’m fuckin’ trying, okay? But it’s hard to wake up and see the same person all the fuckin’ time. I know this works for women too. I mean, it’s the same motherfucker. All the time. “Thank you. Baby, but goddamn! Not today. Goddamn it. I don’t want to fuck you anymore for eight months. Let’s make our sexual life interesting. You go away for a year. When you come back, we will fuck like rabbits.” And my wife’s always talkin’ about “express yourself.” “Darling. Express your feelings. Emotions. Try to talk. Try to not be so physical. Learn how to speak. Try to talk. Now. Darling, what is the problem?” “Bitch, I’m gonna kill you.” My wife is white, and the first two years we went together… she thought her name was White Honky Bitch. She did. She put up with the shit. I learned, though. After that, ’cause I was death on her. “White honky bitch, and the black man this… and you don’t know shit.” But I stayed with the motherfucker. I kept staying. I grew some. It can happen. It it happened to me. It could happen to you. She’s wonderful about expressing yourself. I get mad, I can’t even talk. The madder I get, the quieter I get. My voice just goes down a notch, especially… “Well. All right. What I’m trying to do here…” Feelings are a hard fucking thing to deal with. I don’t give a fuck who you are. It’s not easy to be bullshittin’. But when you get them feelings. Somebody touches that shit inside you… that shit be fuckin’ with you. And women, I don’t give a fuck. You all can be so cool… about turnin’ a motherfucker oft. You love when a motherfucker be in love with you… ’cause you can be some nasty bitches. “Darling. Please don’t leave me. Just give me…” “Oh. God. Are you calling again? God, Richard, please. Just don’t do this to yourself. I mean, why don’t you go home and bathe or something like that. Just don’t call here anymore. Just a minute. John.” How can women be so cool, though. When you angry? “Don’t you tell me! I love you! Don’t you see?” “Yes, dear. I’m going for a walk.” “A walk? I wanna tight!” One night. I left the house about 137 times. I did. I just said, “Fuck you!” And then I’d have to come back. Like. You forget your keys. You ever leave and forget your keys? “Bitch! Yeah. Motherfucker! Yeah. Uh-huh! Believe that shit! Yeah. You’ll see. Oh, shit.” Then you got to go back in the house. Why come your old lady looks so good after you’ve been away tor a while? You ever. Like. Get your heart broke? Men here. You ever had your heart broke? Women get their heart broke, they cry. Men don’t do that shit. Men hold that shit in like it don’t hurt… walkin’ around and get hit by trucks. “Didn’t he see that truck?” “Motherfucker. He wouldn’t have seen a 747… ’cause his heart was broken.” There’s a feelin’… Gettin’ your motherfuckin’ heart broke… it’s like, I don’t know. Men cannot graduate till a woman breaks your fuckin’ heart. That is your diploma. It either kill you or make you fat. I’m talkin’ about that heartache where your motherfuckin’ heart be… hurtin’ and shit, and you be… You can’t even listen to music. Shit remind you. Like “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.” “That reminds me of my lady. God. She got a nose just like Rudolph.” And you go out with other women when you’re in love… You go out with other women. It don’t mean shit. Right? You go out with other women. And you hear their voices and go… “What is this bitch talkin’ about? Why don’t she just shut the fuck up? She ain’t sayin’ shit.” ‘Cause it’s hard to reestablish yourself with other people… once you’ve been with a partner tor a long time. Right? Especially if you get a good woman that you really be in love with. Usually. It’s the man that fucks up. We fuck up. Right? Then we can’t find them motherfuckers no more. And when you can’t find her no more, it look like she get better. Every time you see her. She be beautiful… or with some other motherfucker that looked good. I be going, “I wanna kill everybody. Everybody in the world.” That’s how you end up in the penitentiary, jack. A lot of people in the penitentiary killed their old ladies and shit… and boyfriends and shit like that. Just flip out. “I don’t give a fuck. At least I don’t have to look at them anymore.” “Prison”
I went to a penitentiary with Gene Wilder… I went to a penitentiary with Gene Wilder… I did a movie. Not me personally. I went to do a film in a penitentiary. I was up there six weeks. Arizona State Penitentiary. It was some… Oh. You’re applauding for that? Arizona State Penitentiary real popular? It was strange because What’s strange about that is that there are no black people in Arizona. I’m not lying. They bus motherfuckers in. I was up there, and I looked at all the brothers… and it made my heart ache. You know… seeing all these beautiful black men in the joint. Goddamn warriors should be out there helping the masses. I felt that way. I was real naive. Right? And the six weeks I was up there, I talked to the brothers. I talked to them. And thank God we got penitentiaries. I asked this one. “Why did you kill everybody in the house?” The guy said, “They was home.” I mean. Murderers. Do you hear me? Real. Live murderers. I thought black people killed people by accident. No. These motherfuckers was murderers. I met one brother. His name was J-Bone. Motherfucker could lift weights. He was in charge. Muscles every-motherfuckin’-where. He was doing a sentence… triple life. How in the fuck do you do triple life? I mean. That mean if he die and come back… he got to go to the penitentiary. Right? They’ll say, “Fuck kindergarten. Get your little ass back in the penitentiary. Motherfucker. You know what you did last time you was here.” And Gene Wilder loved to jump in the middle of the killers… and start talkin’. “Hi. Guys. How you doin’?” I said. “Gene. Bring your ass out of there.” “What do you think they’d do to us if we were here. Rich?” I’d say. “Fuck us.” And Gene would say. “I’m not homosexual.” “Homosexual ain’t got nothin’ to do with it. They don’t fuck you ’cause you like it. They just fuck you just to see that look on your face.” I met one dude… kidnap, murder tour times. I thought three times. That was your ass. Right? No. I said. “What happened?” “I can’t get the shit right. But I’m gettin’ paroled in two years. Brother Rich. I’m gonna fire it up. I got some contacts outside. You know what I mean?” I said, “Yeah, I know what you mean.” See. I wanna know when this motherfucker gettin’ out… who he gonna be with. And it I see him in my neighborhood. I’m just gonna shoot the motherfucker. ‘Cause I do not want to be kidnapped. Take no chance no motherfucker callin’ up my wife… talkin’ about sendin’ some money. ‘Cause that’s really my ass. “Well. Don’t fuck up the suit. That’s what we gonna bury him in.” I’m gonna take my chances. ’cause… Damn if I’m gonna be kidnapped, puttin’ my hands behind my back. They always like to make you put your hands behind your back and shit… and then fuck with you a little while. I say, “No. Motherfucker. Blow my face oft with the shotgun… while I got my hands on your nuts.” So there’ll be some evidence. Right? The police come in: “Open his hand. Well, this guy’s gonna be easy to find. He’s gonna show up to the hospital sooner or later.” They always put that shotgun on you. You ain’t got to do shit. That’s easy to say. But in real life we all know… a shotgun. Your hand will automatically jump behind your back. Even it you don’t want it to. Your hand will say. “Fuck you! It’s a shotgun. Asshole! Give me that rope. I’ll tie myself. Is this a good knot?” Everybody like to be brave in the real situation. Right? But we ain’t so brave sometimes, you know? Sometimes you be brave. Most of the time. We just ordinary… hope we don’t get in no situation where you have to be brave. That’s how the Nazis fucked over people. ‘Cause most people are basically decent. Them Nazis just run over motherfuckers. Black people always say. “I’d have told them Nazis…” You wouldn’t have told them Nazis shit. ‘Cause them motherfuckers didn’t play. You’d be out there talkin’ about… “Hey. Motherfucker! Mr. Nazi!” “What is this?” “Oh, nothin’, just. Uh… Just fuckin’ around. Jack. Like them boots you got on. Hom.” And in the penitentiary. They got all them racist groups. They got the white groups. They act like they’re in New York. They got the Nazi party and the… What do they call it? The Klu Klux Klan. The Mexicans got them gangs you can’t pronounce the names. And they don’t wear no shirts. The black people got the Mau Maus and the Muslims, Double Muslims. Them’s the ones you don’t fuck with… them Double Muslims. ‘Cause them motherfuckers can’t wait to get to Allah… and want to take eight or nine motherfuckers with them. I used to be a thief, and I wasn’t very good. I always got caught. I would steal from neighbors. I wouldn’t take no chances on gettin’ caught too far from home. I’d go over to the neighbors’ house. Wipe them motherfuckers out. I paid them all back now. I try to go back to Peoria. I’m ashamed of myself. “Miss Johnson. I’m sorry I bust in your house.” “I knew it was you, boy.” I don’t know why I would steal. My grandfather was in business. My family was in business. My grandmother owned. Like, three or tour brothels. My grandfather had a pool hall called “Pops Pool Room.” My uncle had a pool room. So there was money in the family. I was a lucky black child… ’cause I never went through no hard times. It was hard. If you wasn’t poor. You couldn’t get no pussy. They say, “We fuck just to keep our minds off eatin’.” I live in Hawaii in a place… I wanted to go to a place where there was no people. And I found the place. There’s 500 people live where I live. And they’re brown. I like that because you can sleep at night. ‘Cause you live around white people in the country, anything can happen. Not that I don’t trust white people. It’s just in the night. You know what I mean? Something happens to white people when you start drinkin’… and when you hear one of them motherfuckers go. “Yee-haw!” You know what I mean? It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up… ’cause I know what’s next. That “yee-haw” means get a rope and get a black motherfucker. “Why do they have the greatest kind of resistance against a rope? You can lasso a white guy. He won’t do nothin’. Black one. They kinda jerk away.” I like those guys: “You wanna sign this tor my sister?” “Hey. Buddy, you wanna kiss my girl? But not on the lips.” I say, “Okay.” Racism is a bitch. White people, you gotta know. It fucks you up. But what it does to black people is a bitch. It’s hard enough being a human being. It’s really fuckin’ hard enough just to be that. Just to go through everyday life without murdering a motherfucker. It’s hard enough just to walk through life decent. As a person. But here is another element added to it when you’re black. Them mothers got that little edge on us. It’s enough to make you crazy. ‘Cause it you’re in an argument with another man… he may be white, but it’s man on man for a minute… – and the shit get rough. He end up calling you “nigger.” You go, “Oh. Shit. Fuck. Now I ain’t no man no more. I’m nigger now. I got to argue with that shit… and. fuck. Throw my balance all off now.” It’s an ugly thing. I hope that someday they give it up. ‘Cause it don’t work. “Africa”
It’s nice to have pride about your shit. I went home to the motherland. Everybody should go home. To Africa. Everybody, especially black people. Really, man, there is so much to see there… tor the eye and the heart of the black people. White people. You’ll go there and you’ll get ideas. “Well. That’s the way black people in America should be… walking around with sticks.” You’ll get the wrong idea. But, man… I was gonna find my roots. Right? Seven hundred million black people. Not one of them motherfuckers knew me. I looked in every phone book in Africa. I didn’t find one goddamn Pryor. I saw one familiar name: J-Bone Walker. I called that up. They say he’s in Arizona. But there’s nothin’ like goin’ and seein’ nothin’ but black. Black people. From the wino to the president. It’s black people. And it’s. Like, fair. You know what I mean? You go someplace. You’re on liberated land. I said, “These motherfuckers kick ass and got their country. And I’m on the land. It’s black people.” I mean. Black. Original black. You understand “black”? I mean. So many black people, it made me realize… somebody in my family had been lying to me. It’s nice. As you land at the airport. You look out the window… and see the black people and say. “Oh. Wow!” People are the same. The people in Africa fuck over your luggage… just like the people in New York. You know what’s funny? To walk down the street… and see white people looking tor each other. They’d be surrounded, and… Every black person I saw there seemed to remind me of someone from here. I’d walk down the street and go, “That motherfucker looked like Joe Frazier!” I’d say, “Goddamn!” He’d be the president of the bank. I’d go, “Goddamn! I wish Joe Frazier could see this motherfucker!” Or someone here. Like, is a wino… you see him over there. They be a diplomat. You go, “Willie the wino! Goddamn! Get down, Willie!” This was. I don’t know. Special to me, man. I went to the jungle, the real jungle. Not that shit Tarzan live in. Tarzan wouldn’t last a week in Africa. “Where’s Tarzan?” “You mean the crazy white man? He in the trees with cheetah.” “Where’s Jane?” “She whoring in Nairobi.” ‘Cause when you go out in the bush… you see animals… I mean, animals that are tree look different… than that shit we see in the zoo. You know them animals you fuck over at the zoo? You see the lion at the zoo. You be talkin’ about… You walk by. “Hey. Lion.” I like the monkeys in the zoo. ‘Cause they throw their shit on you. They’d be pickin’ and shit. They watch you, and one of ’em go… And then everybody laughs. “Oh, he’s so cute. Oh, aren’t the monkeys cute?” Why do people think bears are happy in the zoo? “Look at the bear. He’s so happy.” Motherfucker’s talkin’ about… “Let me out. Just give me a break. If I could get a hand on one of you motherfuckers. Oh. I’ll tear your ass up. I ain’t had no pussy in 12 years! Send me a motherfuckin’ panda. Bitch ain’t even got a pussy. They’re wonderin’ why we ain’t got no babies” But in the jungle, if you see a rabbit you get nervous. ‘Cause a rabbit be lookin’ at you… “Roll the window up. Dear.” “It’s just a rabbit.” “Fuck you. Ain’t no rabbit ever looked at me like that.” And you see a lion in the jungle, that’s what they look like… lions. Motherfucker be in the bush talkin’ about… “Yeah. Get your ass out of the car. And bring that camera with you. ‘Cause we gonna eat all that shit.” I saw three lionesses chase down. Like, a cape buffalo. That’s the baddest motherfucker on four legs… except for these bitches chasin’ it. And the lionesses. They work around in teams. Give signals You know they can’t talk. And the buffalo saw one of them, right? He tipped away from the rest of the herd. And them two others jumped on his ass. The other buffalo said… “The motherfucker didn’t warn us. Fuck him.” And you know how a buzzard circles in the movies? These motherfuckers drove up in a truck. Talkin’ about. “What it is?” Cheetah, man, is the weirdest thing to see go chase something… ’cause you don’t see nothin’ but dust. I saw two cheetahs. It looked like they were talkin’… about jumpin’ on some gazelle. “You want to go after that herd?” “Say, nah. Man, they’re too close. Shit. Why don’t we give ’em another 100 yards. How’s the wife and family. Man? You know. It’s gonna be tourist season soon. I got an arm last year. They’re about far enough. You ready?” The gazelles and shit hear them motherfuckers. They’d be eating and hear ’em and just start runnin’. They wouldn’t even look. “Run!” And the motherfucker that can’t hear is in trouble. “What?” “Cheetah!” “Huh?” “Cheetah!” “What?” “Cheetah!” “What’d you say?” “It’s your ass!” “I got ya.” I saw one of them gazelles make a move on a cheetah. It was embarrassing. The cheetah got pissed off too… ’cause he was ready to get the gazelle. And the gazelle said… And that motherfucker tell 400 yards trying to stop. And got up: “I’m gonna get you. Motherfucker. Make me look bad” We picked up a hitchhiker one day. An African man got in the car. And he had that odor. You know? This motherfucker had odor! He was in the car. You be drivin’. That odor was… And he’d lean over to point… And you’d be, you know… “Goddamn! I know my people. But goddamn!” And I looked in the rear view mirror. And this motherfucker was goin’… “Oh, shit! That motherfuckin’ cologne and shit they got on. Stinkin’ motherfuckers. Boy. I don’t know how I can take this shit.” He had his head out the window tryin’ to get air and shit. He’s goin’. “Goddamn!” He just ended up makin’ us stop. “Let me out of this motherfucker. I’ll walk. Fuck it. You motherfuckers stink. Kiss my ass.” One thing I got out of it was magic. I’d like to share it with you. I was leavin’, and I was sittin’ in the hotel… and a voice said to me. “Look around. What do you see?” And I said. “I see all colors of people doing everything.” And the voice said, “Do you see any niggers?” And I said. “No.” And it say. “You know why? ‘Cause there aren’t any.” And it hit me like a shot, man. I started cryin’ and shit. I was sittin’ there and said… “Yeah. I’ve been here three weeks. I haven’t even said it. I haven’t even thought it.” And it made me say. “Oh. My God. I’ve been wrong. I’ve been wrong. I’ve got to regroup my shit.” I said, “I ain’t gonna never call another black man a nigger.” You know. ’cause we never was no niggers. That’s a word that’s used to describe our own wretchedness. And we perpetuate it now, ’cause it’s dead. That word’s dead. We’re men and women. We come from the first people on the Earth. You know? The first people on the Earth were black people. ‘Cause anthropologists… white anthropologists… The white people go. “That could be true, you know.” Yeah. Dr. Leakey and them found people remains… five million years ago in Africa. You know them motherfuckers didn’t speak French. So black people, we the first people that had thought. We were the first ones to say. “Where the fuck am I? And how do you get to Detroit?” So you can take it for what it’s worth. I ain’t tryin’ to preach. I’m just talkin’ about my feelings about it. And I don’t want them hip white people calling me no nigger… or telling me nigger jokes. I don’t like it. I’m just fellin’ you it’s uncomfortable to me. I don’t like it when black people say it to me. I really don’t no more. It’s nothin’. It don’t mean nothin’. So I love you all, and you can take that with you. I guess you all say… “Mafia Club”
I think the only brave thing I might have ever done in my life… was once I worked at a Mafia nightclub. Out in Youngstown. Ohio. I was 19. I was 19 years old. Right? And I didn’t know shit about the Mafia. My father was the baddest motherfucker I had ever seen. So the Mafia didn’t mean shit to me. I did not relate to the Mafia. I worked with this lady. Satin Doll. She was the star of the show. Beautiful black stripper. Right? ‘Cause usually in those days… in clubs they had a singer and a stripper and a M.C. I was the M.C., and she was the first black star I ever met. Duke Ellington had written a tune about her. That’s what she used to dance to and act. She was beautiful. She was 60 then. Oh. This bitch was fine though. Man. I’m not lyin’. Lena Horne didn’t have shit on her. And she was cryin’ backstage… “I gotta get to Buffalo. They won’t pay me.” I said, “Who won’t pay you?” “Club owners.” I said. “Oh, them motherfuckers are gonna pay me. Bet that.” This is how ignorant I was. I had a cap pistol. You know. Them blank starter pistols. I busted into the office with this motherfucker. Talkin’ about… “All right. Give me the money. Motherfucker!” Doing my best black shit. You know. You know. That shit usually scare whitey to death. And these motherfuckers didn’t do nothin’. I’m sure that those men… are sitting in that room today. Laughing. ‘Cause that’s what this dude… He just started to laugh. “This fuckin’ kid. Wait a minute. Hey. Tony. Come here. Rich. Do the gun again. Hey. Tony. Come here. Stickup! This fuckin’ kid! Come here. Come here, you fuckin’ kid. He’s got a pair of gagoozies on him, huh? Fuckin’ kid. Come here. Goddamn.” They like to hug you and rub you. “Come here.” And grab your face. “This fuckin’ kid’s got some gazoolas.” And they always say shit you don’t understand. “Hey. You wanna go… Hey. Paulo. Tix him a little… Put some struzi on it. Fry it up. They like fried foods. Fuckin’ kid, huh? He come in here. Had a gun, the fuckin’ kid. Huh? Pay everybody oft. Pay ’em off. It’s all right.” They paid everybody off, let everybody go and kept me. Like a pet. “I fuckin’ like this kid. You got family? Well. You got family now. Who is it, Carmine? Tell him I call him back. Tell him it’s a stickup.” Then these motherfuckers start tellin’ murder stories. “Hey. You remember when Oozie… Remember when I made my fuckin’ bones? Me, I had to go away. It was Cleveland, right? Fuckin’ teamster. Big mouth. Hurt a lot of people. Right? You know, ice pick’s my thing, Rich. So we fuckin’ had to drive down. Me, Johnny Salami… the Gaboozo brothers. They own a funeral parlor. ‘You carry. We bury.’ Come here, you fuckin’ kid. So we take this jerk-off out bowling, you know. Drive him around. Get him a few drinks. ‘Hey, let’s get some broads. Right? ‘ A little motel we had set up. You remember that, Johnny? So. We take him around. He gets kinda stoned. Drops his glass. I say, ‘Now.’ I pop him with the fuckin’ ice pick. Right? I’m poppin’ this cocksucker. Blood’s squirting every which way. He says, ‘Oh. God! Don’t kill me! ‘ ‘Oh. fuck you. You guinea cocksucker.’ And the fuckin’ ice pick breaks. I’m standin’ there with a fuckin’ piece of wood in my hand! I said, ‘Johnny Salami. What do I do? ‘ Johnny says, ‘Wait till it melts, asshole.’ Those were the good old days. What’s the matter. Rich? You don’t look so good. Hey, Paulo, give him a little… You got a way home. Or do you want us to give you a ride?” Don’t go out with the Mafia. ‘Cause you can’t buy ’em dinner. They always like to take entertainers to dinner. They take you to dinner, and they pick up the check all the time. And it you get mad, you say, “Let me buy the check tonight. Goddamn it. You guys buy me dinner every night.” “Hey, kid, let me tell you somethin’. We’re crime… and crime don’t pay.” The Mafia people are weird people, ’cause they appeal… They appeal to your intellect. They do. Them motherfuckers’ appeal says… “You’re an intelligent person. Aren’t you? And you realize that it’s very difficult… to walk without knees.” And one time I was in a room with one of these motherfuckers… and I don’t know how to describe… You ever seen a face just turn to stone? I mean. I was talkin’ to the man. And somebody was over here… talkin’ about something that had pissed him off… that he was gonna deal with… and it went from a nice conversation with me… A stone thing came over his face. It was like… And a chill went through my fuckin’ body. I said. “This motherfucker’s dead. I’m lookin’ at a dead man that walks around.” ‘Cause it was just stone, man. There wasn’t no compromise. There was nothin’ in there where you could go… There was none of that in the face. I said… “Boy, that’s a look I’d like to get, just to whip on a motherfucker.” You know. Just say. “What?” Remember that in The Godfather? That to me was the most chilling line in the world. When the guy said… “Hey. Could you let me off? Just tor old time’s sake?” And the guy said… Boy. That had to be the coldest shit in the world. And you gotta get in the car with him. Then you got to beg some more in the car. You ain’t gonna stop beggin’. As long as he’s got breath in his body. You get in the car. He’s talkin’ about, “Hey. Jack. I remember when I showed you how to drive.” Jack be goin’… “Mudbone”
All Italian people are not in the Mafia. Whether you believe it or not. They’re not. Really. Most of them work for the Mafia. But they’re all not in the Mafia. What? – Do what? – Mudbone, Richie! All right, this is the last time Mudbone will be seen anywhere. This is Mudbone’s last show. Ladies and gentlemen, from Tupelo. Mississippi. Mudbone. You know… Now, I know that boy. See. He fucked up. See. That tire got on his ass… and it fucked him up upstairs. Fried up what little brains he had. ‘Cause I remember the motherfucker. He could make a motherfucker laugh… at a funeral on Sunday. Christmas day. But you know what happened? He got some money. That’s what happened. He got some money! Them missed meal cramps and shit was gone. He said. “Fuck it.” Went all the way crazy. Shit, now me? I’m still hungry. See. I’m gonna be out here four days and six months. I watched this boy, Rich. He used to come by. Leave me a dollar here. Fifty cents there. He was all right, you know. He would never lend me five. Though. But he let me have them two’s and tews. You know. So I felt tor the boy. I went over there and talked to him. And he ignorant. ’cause I sit down to talk to him… You don’t let him get none of that powder in his nose. That’s like tryin’ to talk to a baboon’s ass. I talked to the boy seven days and seven nights. He was still on the same subject. “Where can I get some more?” So I talked to him. You know. I said… “Boy, why don’t you do something with yourself? Since religion ain’t your thing… maybe you take up ballet.” It makes me laugh, thinkin’ about it. I told him, “Cause you gonna be black a long time. So you might as well enjoy yourself… ’cause there ain’t many black motherfuckers out there doin’ it.” He said, “Don’t stop now.” I said. “Don’t lighten up. Tighten up.” That’s what I told him. And he must have listened to me. He was gonna register to vote. I knew he was sick then. So. Listen. I’m not gonna steal the show from the boy. I ain’t gonna do that. So, I’m gonna… The boy got the camera. Only white folks can do that. And they make it look like such a mystery. They never let no black people do no shit like that. The only time you see black people doing some of that shit… is when they want the plug plugged in. “Say, boy. Plug that in.” That’s how you be sayin’. “I works on the camera crew.” I say. “What you do?” “Plug in the thing.” I say. “A monkey can do that.” Guess that’s why they hired him. See, I’ve lived through hard times before. People talk about these as hard times. Hard times was way back. They didn’t even have a year for it. Just called it “Hard Times.” It was dark all the time. I think the sun came out on Wednesday. And it you didn’t have your ass up early. You missed it. So I happened to be out there one Wednesday… and the sun hit me right in the face. I grabbed a bunch of it and rubbed it all over myself. Shit. I didn’t have nothin’ else. Might as well have some sun on my face. And as time went on. I remembered it was Thursday. I said. “Damn. That sun was a bitch. That’s why they didn’t want us to have none of it.” ‘Cause it’d cheer you up inside. You see. So I got all cheered up… and went out on a date. Lucinda Belle Mae. The girl was pretty. Coal black. Her skin was tender… like a baby’s butt. Her sweet breasts smelled like Carnation milk. That’s how tender she was. I liked her, too, you see. She had a little liking to me. So Lucinda… We’d have to tip away. We’d go up and do a little kissin’ up in the apple orchard. We’d tip away together on Wednesday mornin’… when the sun was up. We’d get up there. I’d make her put a little on her face… and she relaxed. When she relaxed. I started rubbin’ all over her. Women like when you rub on ’em… if you rub ’em in them right spots. You know. You got to rub ’em right there. Right on the inside of her leg by the kneecap. Rub ’em right there. And you rub it around until it starts burnin’. They open up then. Boy. ‘Cause there ain’t but two pieces of pussy you’re gonna get in your life. That’s your first and your last. And all that shit in between don’t count. That’s just the extra gravy. They say. “When’s the last time you got some pussy?” I say. “Yesterday. That’s as tar as I want to remember it.” I don’t want to sit around. Some motherfucker ask me… “How long you had some pussy?” I go… I don’t want to live that long. What I’m sayin’… What the point I’m tryin’ to make is… that there is no point to be made. That’s all that there is. There ain’t no point to it. ‘Cause you didn’t ask to come to this motherfucker… and you sure can’t choose how to leave. ‘Cause you don’t know when you’re gonna go. So don’t take this shit serious You better have some tun and plenty of it. ‘Cause when the shit old and you ask for a recharge, it’s too late. So all I can say is keep some sunshine on your face. “Freebase”
I was up in Oakland with some old friends. I mean, motherfuckers I’ve known a long time. And I have changed as a person inside, right? There was an old dope dealer. Motherfucker used to… I used to follow him around for dope. And I always paid him. But it was always on credit or something… and the motherfucker acted like I was one of his pets. I started saying, “Wait, motherfucker. I paid tor the dope. I didn’t live at your house. I had my own apartment.” But he was acting like I was one of his bitches… and then. You know. He got real mad… ’cause I fired on his ass. I say, “No. Motherfucker, I wasn’t never like that.” I had my shirt oft and I was sitting on the couch… and suddenly he says something about… When you signify. Motherfucker gets vicious. “What about them burned-up rings around your neck, motherfucker?” And it hit me ’cause I had never thought of myself like that… ’cause I said. “Yeah, I’ve been burnt up.” It never had hit me like it hit him. I said, “Yeah, I been burnt the fuck up.” ‘Cause most people I meet. I act like I ain’t burned up… they do too. The motherfucker sneaks a peek. “A nice tattoo you have… all over your body.” I guess y’all say. “Fuck all that. How’d you burn up?” You say. “How’d you burn up in your own house. Motherfucker?” I know y’all heard all kind of stories about how I burned up basin’ this… and ether that. None of that shit got nothing to do with that. I’m gonna tell y’all the truth tonight. You got to promise not to tell nobody. – Can I trust ya? – Yeah! You’re some lyin’ motherfuckers. All my friends know this to be true ’cause everybody knows me. Usually before I go to bed. I have milk and cookies. And one night. I had some low-tat milk… and some pasteurized… and I mixed them together… and I dipped my cookie, and the shit blew up. I mean, the damnedest thing I’ve ever heard of in my life. Medical history was made. A lot of people say shit. I think about shit. Why do people think… All the people you ever heard of freebasin’… have you ever heard of anybody blowin’ up? Why me? Ten million motherfuckers freebase, I gotta blow up. I’m talking about… I started out smoking freebase. It was like… I started out one time. And I should’ve known something bad was going to happen… because I remember the first time I did freebase… I burnt my bed up. I was sitting on the bed, and somebody said… “Richard, the bed’s on tire!” I said. “What? The bed’s on fire?” It’s a weird disease. If any of you doin’ it… you ain’t gonna believe this, but if you’ve been doing it… longer than two weeks. You’re a junkie. Now I’m telling you so you’ll know it. I know you’ll tell yourself, “I ain’t no fuckin’ junkie.” You cannot stop if you wanted to. You’ll go home tonight and say. “Watch me.” You will not be able to. If you got the shit there, you will do it. I’m talking about, I started out smokin’… I would have a pipe and sit it down and walk eight feet away from it. Two days later. Jack. I would smoke. I’d go… One time. It looked like I had an appendage on my hand. It was the pipe. ‘Cause this pipe used to tell me when to go to bed. The pipe would say, “Time to get up. Time for some smoke. Rich. We’re not doing anything today. Fuck all your appointments. Me and you are just gonna hang out in this room together.” I’d get mad and frustrated. People didn’t understand me. The pipe’d say. “Come in the room with me. I got you covered. I know how you feel. Rich. Light me up. Hold me tor a couple of days. And we’ll talk it over.” I’m talking about a year later, jack. I’m talking about… I’m drawn up. fucked up and out of my mind… but I’m not hooked. People are trying to help me. I say… “You’re just meddling in my motherfucking business! You just think because I’m having a good… Leave me the fuck alone!” And I’m smokin’ my shit… ’cause my pipe would say, “I understand. They don’t know. It’s your life. They don’t have a right to fuck with you. Where were they when you needed them? Come in here with me. ’cause I love ya.” And then the pipe starts saying shit like… “You let me get a little low yesterday. I don’t like that. Don’t let me get low again. Or I’m gonna hurt ya. You promise, keep me full at all times. Okay? Come on, Rich. You can do it. ‘Cause I understand.” And finally. Dope dealers… I did it so bad, dope dealers tried not to sell me none. That’s doing it, for a dope dealer to say… “I ain’t gonna give you no more. I can’t see you do it to yourself.” Dope dealers don’t give a fuck about nothing usually. These motherfuckers refused to sell me cocaine. Said. “No. Motherfucker! You’re killing yourself!” What? “I don’t want to see you fuck yourself up.” I ain’t never heard of dope dealers doin’ that. I mean. You could sooner get free food in a Chinese restaurant. But these motherfuckers love me. Man. They say. “No, man. Can’t you just snort again?” And I’d lie and say, “Okay. I’m gonna snort. Just give me enough tor the weekend. I’m gonna snort it.” “How much you want?” “A kilo.” I don’t know I’m a junkie. I weigh about 103. I looked like… Ain’t been out of my room in eight weeks. Funk is my shadow. Funk be just hanging all over me, talkin’ about… “Hey. Don’t wash.” Then finally. My old lady called Jim Brown up. – She said. “Jim gonna come over.” – “Fuck Jim Brown! I’ll show Jim Brown. I don’t give a fuck. Nobody afraid of Jim Brown here.” Jim was coming in the driveway. I got all nervous. “Who is it?” “Jim Brown.” “Oh. Shit! This motherfucker ain’t gonna scare me. Let me get my pipe.” Pipe said. “Come on. Me and you will show Jim. Don’t worry. Shit, Jim don’t scare nobody.” Jim come in the room. I started smokin’. “How’re you doin’. Bro?” Jim had psychology. Jim’d go… “You wanna go roller-skatin’?” “Pipe.” “Maybe you wanna go tor a ride.” Jim say. “What you gonna do?” “What do you mean?” “What you gonna do about that shit?” “What? I’m doin’ what I wanna do.” “I ain’t afraid of you, you know. You ain’t no movie star to me. I ain’t scared of you. Motherfucker. I’m your friend. What you gonna do? You gonna get well, or you gonna end our friendship? What you gonna do?” The pipe said. “Don’t listen. He tryin’ to fuck with you, Rich.” “Jim, I am a man.” “There ain’t no doubt about that… but what you gonna do?” And Jim kept saying that all through the hall. “What you gonna do?” “Leave me the fuck alone! That’s what I’m going to do… I’m getting the fuck away from you… so I don’t have to hear ‘What you gonna do? ‘ ‘Cause I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do. Leave me the fuck alone!” So Jim almost got me to the hospital… but he had to go somewhere. Like to home to eat. And I was in the room with the pipe. And the pipe said… “Hey. Rich… Jim’s gone.” And it don’t matter how many times you break them motherfuckers… you go out and buy a new one. This is an addiction. It’s a monster. It’s pitiful. ‘Cause I ended up on the floor looking for shit. “Well, let me smoke this.” It’d be a piece of log. Anything. I’d say, “I wonder how my sleeve would taste.” I’ll tell you one thing. Man. When that tire hits your ass… that will sober your ass up quick. I mean. I was standing there on fire. And something said… “Why. That’s a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like fire!” I’m talking about, tire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics… ’cause I did the 100-yard dash in 4.3. “Hospital”
You know something I found out? When you’re on fire and running down the street… people will get out of your way. Except for one old drunk. He’s going. “Can I get a light? How about it? Just a little oft the sleeve. Okay?” You can tell you fucked up when you get to the hospital and the doctor go… “Holy shit! Why don’t we get some cole slaw and serve this up?” I was laying in the hospital with tubes and shit up my nose… an I.V. In my arm… and a brother come in wanting an autograph. I mean. Steam and shit was still comin’ off me. Brother come in. “Hey, Rich. Hey. Hom. Can I get this autograph? Come on. Let me have this last autograph.” And Jim was in the hospital every day when I was getting well. He’d be there every day. Fire don’t mean shit to Jim. Fire jumped on Jim once. He said, “Hey!” Jim would be there giving me strength. I say. “Jim ain’t never been hurt. So I can’t show no pain. I gotta show my strength. Try to get well.” I was doing real well. ‘Cause nature is wonderful. When you burn up. Your skin goes to sleep… ’cause nature says, “I can’t deal with it”… and just goes to sleep. You don’t feel shit for about three days, till your nerves wake up. I didn’t know that. I figured. “I ain’t feelin’ nothin’. Everything’s fine.” And at the hospital, doctors and shit, they’re really great. But there was a brother who worked as a nurse… They’re unique people work with burnt people… ’cause I don’t know it I could work with no motherfucker burnt up. You know what I mean? Put some butter on him and say. “That’s it.” Go for what you know. Homes. But these motherfuckers… This Larry Murphy used to come in. “We’re gonna wash you down. And you’re gonna feel great. We’re gonna wash ya.” He kept saying it. “We’re gonna put you in the tub and wash you.” “You’re gonna wash me. When are you gonna wash me?” “We’re gonna wash you in a couple of days. We’re gonna get you better.” “Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah. Wash me, will you please?” I should’ve known something was wrong… ’cause this motherfucker come every day with this. “Don’t worry. We’re gonna put you in the tub… and it’s gonna be all right.” I said, “I’m not worried. Motherfucker. Put my ass in the tub. You know. Wash me. Shit.” “Come on. Don’t worry.” Third day. “Are you all right? Today we’re gonna put you in…” “Yeah. Larry. You’re gonna wash my ass in the tub. Okay? Goddamn.” Then they take you in the room and get you in the tub… with solutions. And you sit in the tub and say… “Yeah. Motherfucker. Tub. Right. Gonna wash. I know.” – They say, “Feel this? It’s a sponge.” – I say. “It’s a sponge, motherfucker. So? Wash my ass.” “All right. Put your arms up. ’cause…” “Wash me, motherfucker.” “Now it’s time to wash you. Ready?” I said. “Yeah.” Motherfucker said… “Don’t. Don’t wash me no more. Not even my little finger. No! No, you will not. Don’t you wash a motherfuckin’ thing. I don’t want you to touch my finger. I don’t want you to do a goddamn thing to me. Don’t wash me no motherfuckin’ more. And if you do, I’ll bite you. You motherfucker. Don’t you wash me anymore. I don’t care if I die. Don’t you wash me no more.” But they were wonderful. Man. Pain sure stops racism quick. Wasn’t no color in there except burnt-up motherfuckers. And we all got religious. You find God quick when they find your ass dead. I was watching TV one night, and they said I had died. I was bandaged up, and they said… “Richard Pryor died five minutes ago.” But I thank God every day. Jack. I do. I say, “God. Thank you for not burning my dick.” ‘Cause most people said. “You’ve been punished by God.” I say, “No. If God wanted to punish my ass… He’d have burnt my dick.” Now. That’s some punishment… ’cause when that tire hit my ass. My dick went to work. He said, “Emergency! Piss. Come! Do something! Keep the fire off the balls!” And my chest was hollering. “Help!” The dick said… “Fuck you! Go tor yourself! I’m protecting the balls! Spit!” You got a light? A match? Can I have a match? Thank you. Don’t do it! Watch out. Listen. Y’all… have been wonderful to come and share this with us… and I thank everyone connected with… It’s been a pleasure tor me to do this and get up here… and I thank you very much. I want to say y’all gave me a lot of love when I was not feeling well… and I appreciate it. Also, y’all did some… Yeah. Applaud yourself. Also. Y’all did some nasty-ass jokes on my ass too. Yeah. Y’all didn’t think I saw some of these motherfuckers. Since you love me so much. I remember this one. What’s that? Richard Pryor running down the street. | We are gathered here today… to make sure… everyone eats. If not each other… food. I was gonna talk about something that’s very serious… and I hope no one gets offended. I wanna talk about fucking. And sometimes I talk about it. And a lot of people in the audience… don’t know what I mean. So would you raise your hand it you don’t know what fucking is… so we can watch your ass when you leave here? Because not enough fuckin’… goin’ on in America. Americans. Reagan get in, you stop fuckin’. We fucked when Carter was in. We fucked all the time. There wasn’t nothin’ else to do. “Hey. Let’s fuck.” President makin’ a speech. “Let’s fuck.” Reagan in. Now. Everybody listen to this motherfucker. “We can’t fuck now.” I say get them last few fucks in now. See. I know one of the advantages. When you’re in show business, the little extra treat you get… is that you get pussy. And, you know… the great pussy drought of the ’50s? I was caught up in that motherfucker. I’m talkin’ about… I discovered masturbating by accident. I’m not lying. I was about ten. I was in the tub. And that’s when you used to have to hold your dick with two fingers. You remember when you was little like that? Right? I was in the tub. I said. “Hey. I’m on to something here. I bet Dad don’t know about this.” And then when you was young, remember. Men… We didn’t come or nothin’. You just made that tunny feelin’. You know. You… First time I came, ejaculated. Scared the fuck out of me. Man. I thought somethin’ was wrong. Right? I was with this woman. I said. “Look what the fuck you done did!” About an hour later though. I was back goin’. “Can you do it again?” Women are so cool about sex. They like it as much as we do. But they can be cooler. You say, “Do you wanna fuck?” “No.” And they go home and have all that electrical equipment. I can’t get off behind that long shit. Nothin’. I remember one time I got some Playboy bunny pussy. I thought I was in the big time. Goin’ home with a Playboy bunny! You dig? We was gonna have a nice little midnight snack. I went to her apartment. Her apartment was bad! It was one of those apartments that if I don’t get the pussy… I can fuck this couch. We started talkin’. She had seen my act. She said, “I really like the way you do those little kids in your act. Them’s great. Can you talk like a little kid?” I said. “What? Now?” “Yeah. Just do a little.” “I feel funny. I mean… okay. You mean. Like, when I do this? Like that?” She said, “Yeah.” I say. “You like that. Huh?” And she started taking off clothes. And the more clothes she took off. The younger I got. When she got to her panties. I was on the floor talking about… She gave birth to me about 9:30. Can I get some water? There was supposed to be a stool and some water. Is it April Fools’? Oh. This is the one. I have to walk way the fuck over there to get some water. Thank you. Brother. Don’t trip. You’re nervouser than me. Shit. Thank you. I wish I had had a pitcher of that shit. Thank you. – What’s in it? – Huh? Water. As far as I know. I hope I don’t start tripping. Did that… Was that here all the time? That motherfucker been there all the time? Wait a minute. We don’t know nothin’… but the photographic memory. This motherfucker was not here. See. We may not be literate. But we visual than a motherfucker. Just needed a little water… to relax… calm down. ‘Cause I feel the tension from you all. You all want me to do so well. I want to do so well for you. But let’s relax and enjoy… whatever the fuck happens. ‘Cause I got my check. I’m gonna tell you something. I got so fuckin’ nervous… myself. Today. I forgot what the fuck I did. I was at home. I said, “I know I do somethin’… ’cause there’s too many white folks paying attention to me… for me not to be in jail and shit.” I used to think when I first started. I said… “Maybe I ain’t funny no more. You know. Maybe I ain’t angry at nothin’ tor real in my heart, you know.” I’d just say. “I’m just not mad about it. I don’t get it. Motherfuckers wanna kill yourselves. That’s your business. Just don’t do it on my porch.” And it really takes a lot to start workin’ again on stage… because then your mind ain’t there and your spirit… and you’re tryin’ to go for it. And greed is a bitch. Greed says, “Go ahead and do it. They offer you so much money… and you’re greedy.” And then your manager is larger than anything, right? He says. “But you’re not like that. You don’t want to rip people oft. You try and do the best… and you go out there and you make an ass of yourself… embarrass your friends. Hold your dick.” My greed does not exceed my self-respect. My greed is good. Though. Greed is runnin’ a close motherfuckin’ second. When I’m asleep. Greed is workin’ on the self-respect somewhere. “Say. Why don’t you just do it tor a little more?” But I do a lot of shit now that I never did when I didn’t have money. I didn’t have the problems I have now, like watchin’ motherfuckers count it. I must drive my accountant crazy. I wake up at 3:00 in the morning going, “Hey. Man, what the fuck? How much is it? Well. Prove it. Bring it over.” “But it’s three in the morning.” “Fuck that. I want to see it now.” And I got lawyers and shit. Lawyers are some expensive motherfuckers. And I got lawyers and shit. Lawyers are some expensive motherfuckers. I got a lawyer. First week. The motherfucker… brought me a bill for $40,000. I said, “Motherfucker. I just met you!” And lawyers, they don’t get upset. Right? “Goddamn it! Why is this…” “Don’t worry. Everything will be all right.” “No, but I wanna know why you…” “Take it easy.” And you leave there feelin’ like an asshole. You be goin’, “What the fuck am I yellin’ about? They calm. I’m just facing 47 years.” Them motherfuckers will keep you out of the penitentiary… and out of a lot of courts. But it’s gonna cost a lot! Some people must say. “Fuck it. I’ll go to the penitentiary. You motherfuckers cost too much. I can do ten years in the penitentiary and get off better… than these 30 you’re gonna put on me.” I met some lawyers, right? I had a guy I’m suing. A black attorney who was my brother. Right on. He was. It was beautiful. My brother. The motherfucker took me hook, line and sinker… on dry land. I don’t know. I just know that this is wonderful. Especially this suit… that I have on. I thought if I have a monkey, me and this suit will be hot. ‘Cause I can’t wear this kind of shit real comfortable. You have to be cool. Billy Dee Williams could hang in this motherfucker. Me, when I wear shit like this. I’m always afraid… that one motherfucker somewhere will say… “What you doin’ in that red suit. You ugly motherfucker? “I don’t fuck around anymore, since I got married. I am married. I don’t fuck around. That’s right. When you are married… say you don’t fuck around it you got any brains. My wife: “What? Did you fuck…” “No, I was not fucking her. I don’t care what you think you saw. I was not fucking her. Now. Are you gonna believe me or your lying eyes? I was not fucking her.” And my wife… My wife has been putting up with me… We went together six years before the bitch landed me. She paid dues… ’cause I am no day at the beach. I know I’m hard to get along with. I know that… ’cause I might wake up in the morning and go… “Hey. Wake up. What was that shit you said last February?” This is my forth, fifth, sixth marriage. Eighth? I don’t know. But I remember every woman that I was ever in love with. I remember all 12 of them. I really do. They were wonderful. It’s just… I’ve never been able to have a… what they call sustain a relationship. That’s what it’s called now. In other words. When you stop wantin’ to be with the motherfucker, you leave. That’s what I do. Most people hang around till the shit get… makes you look ugly and shit… and you be hangin’ out with a bitch you don’t want to be with. “Yeah. This is my lady.” That gets you into feelings and shit. When you get married… you have to feel. My wife says, “Feel. Express your feelings. Darling, don’t lock it up. Just speak your mind.” When I was just fuckin’ around. I didn’t have to say shit but… “Can I fuck? Good-bye. Here’s the money for a cab.” But now, it’s different when you’re married. This is about the time I’ve been married… and it’s really exciting. Because I really am trying. I really am trying. I’m telling you, I’m fuckin’ trying, okay? But it’s hard to wake up and see the same person all the fuckin’ time. I know this works for women too. I mean, it’s the same motherfucker. All the time. “Thank you. Baby, but goddamn! Not today. Goddamn it. I don’t want to fuck you anymore for eight months. Let’s make our sexual life interesting. You go away for a year. When you come back, we will fuck like rabbits.” And my wife’s always talkin’ about “express yourself.” “Darling. Express your feelings. Emotions. Try to talk. Try to not be so physical. Learn how to speak. Try to talk. Now. Darling, what is the problem?” “Bitch, I’m gonna kill you.” My wife is white, and the first two years we went together… she thought her name was White Honky Bitch. She did. She put up with the shit. I learned, though. After that, ’cause I was death on her. “White honky bitch, and the black man this… and you don’t know shit.” But I stayed with the motherfucker. I kept staying. I grew some. It can happen. It it happened to me. It could happen to you. She’s wonderful about expressing yourself. I get mad, I can’t even talk. The madder I get, the quieter I get. My voice just goes down a notch, especially… “Well. All right. What I’m trying to do here…” Feelings are a hard fucking thing to deal with. I don’t give a fuck who you are. It’s not easy to be bullshittin’. But when you get them feelings. Somebody touches that shit inside you… that shit be fuckin’ with you. And women, I don’t give a fuck. You all can be so cool… about turnin’ a motherfucker oft. You love when a motherfucker be in love with you… ’cause you can be some nasty bitches. “Darling. Please don’t leave me. Just give me…” “Oh. God. Are you calling again? God, Richard, please. Just don’t do this to yourself. I mean, why don’t you go home and bathe or something like that. Just don’t call here anymore. Just a minute. John.” How can women be so cool, though. When you angry? “Don’t you tell me! I love you! Don’t you see?” “Yes, dear. I’m going for a walk.” “A walk? I wanna tight!” One night. I left the house about 137 times. I did. I just said, “Fuck you!” And then I’d have to come back. Like. You forget your keys. You ever leave and forget your keys? “Bitch! Yeah. Motherfucker! Yeah. Uh-huh! Believe that shit! Yeah. You’ll see. Oh, shit.” Then you got to go back in the house. Why come your old lady looks so good after you’ve been away tor a while? You ever. Like. Get your heart broke? Men here. You ever had your heart broke? Women get their heart broke, they cry. Men don’t do that shit. Men hold that shit in like it don’t hurt… walkin’ around and get hit by trucks. “Didn’t he see that truck?” “Motherfucker. He wouldn’t have seen a 747… ’cause his heart was broken.” There’s a feelin’… Gettin’ your motherfuckin’ heart broke… it’s like, I don’t know. Men cannot graduate till a woman breaks your fuckin’ heart. That is your diploma. It either kill you or make you fat. I’m talkin’ about that heartache where your motherfuckin’ heart be… hurtin’ and shit, and you be… You can’t even listen to music. Shit remind you. Like “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.” “That reminds me of my lady. God. She got a nose just like Rudolph.” And you go out with other women when you’re in love… You go out with other women. It don’t mean shit. Right? You go out with other women. And you hear their voices and go… “What is this bitch talkin’ about? Why don’t she just shut the fuck up? She ain’t sayin’ shit.” ‘Cause it’s hard to reestablish yourself with other people… once you’ve been with a partner tor a long time. Right? Especially if you get a good woman that you really be in love with. Usually. It’s the man that fucks up. We fuck up. Right? Then we can’t find them motherfuckers no more. And when you can’t find her no more, it look like she get better. Every time you see her. She be beautiful… or with some other motherfucker that looked good. I be going, “I wanna kill everybody. Everybody in the world.” That’s how you end up in the penitentiary, jack. A lot of people in the penitentiary killed their old ladies and shit… and boyfriends and shit like that. Just flip out. “I don’t give a fuck. At least I don’t have to look at them anymore.” “Prison” I went to a penitentiary with Gene Wilder… I went to a penitentiary with Gene Wilder… I did a movie. Not me personally. I went to do a film in a penitentiary. I was up there six weeks. Arizona State Penitentiary. It was some… Oh. You’re applauding for that? Arizona State Penitentiary real popular? It was strange because What’s strange about that is that there are no black people in Arizona. I’m not lying. They bus motherfuckers in. I was up there, and I looked at all the brothers… and it made my heart ache. You know… seeing all these beautiful black men in the joint. Goddamn warriors should be out there helping the masses. I felt that way. I was real naive. Right? And the six weeks I was up there, I talked to the brothers. I talked to them. And thank God we got penitentiaries. I asked this one. “Why did you kill everybody in the house?” The guy said, “They was home.” I mean. Murderers. Do you hear me? Real. Live murderers. I thought black people killed people by accident. No. These motherfuckers was murderers. I met one brother. His name was J-Bone. Motherfucker could lift weights. He was in charge. Muscles every-motherfuckin’-where. He was doing a sentence… triple life. How in the fuck do you do triple life? I mean. That mean if he die and come back… he got to go to the penitentiary. Right? They’ll say, “Fuck kindergarten. Get your little ass back in the penitentiary. Motherfucker. You know what you did last time you was here.” And Gene Wilder loved to jump in the middle of the killers… and start talkin’. “Hi. Guys. How you doin’?” I said. “Gene. Bring your ass out of there.” “What do you think they’d do to us if we were here. Rich?” I’d say. “Fuck us.” And Gene would say. “I’m not homosexual.” “Homosexual ain’t got nothin’ to do with it. They don’t fuck you ’cause you like it. They just fuck you just to see that look on your face.” I met one dude… kidnap, murder tour times. I thought three times. That was your ass. Right? No. I said. “What happened?” “I can’t get the shit right. But I’m gettin’ paroled in two years. Brother Rich. I’m gonna fire it up. I got some contacts outside. You know what I mean?” I said, “Yeah, I know what you mean.” See. I wanna know when this motherfucker gettin’ out… who he gonna be with. And it I see him in my neighborhood. I’m just gonna shoot the motherfucker. ‘Cause I do not want to be kidnapped. Take no chance no motherfucker callin’ up my wife… talkin’ about sendin’ some money. ‘Cause that’s really my ass. “Well. Don’t fuck up the suit. That’s what we gonna bury him in.” I’m gonna take my chances. ’cause… Damn if I’m gonna be kidnapped, puttin’ my hands behind my back. They always like to make you put your hands behind your back and shit… and then fuck with you a little while. I say, “No. Motherfucker. Blow my face oft with the shotgun… while I got my hands on your nuts.” So there’ll be some evidence. Right? The police come in: “Open his hand. Well, this guy’s gonna be easy to find. He’s gonna show up to the hospital sooner or later.” They always put that shotgun on you. You ain’t got to do shit. That’s easy to say. But in real life we all know… a shotgun. Your hand will automatically jump behind your back. Even it you don’t want it to. Your hand will say. “Fuck you! It’s a shotgun. Asshole! Give me that rope. I’ll tie myself. Is this a good knot?” Everybody like to be brave in the real situation. Right? But we ain’t so brave sometimes, you know? Sometimes you be brave. Most of the time. We just ordinary… hope we don’t get in no situation where you have to be brave. That’s how the Nazis fucked over people. ‘Cause most people are basically decent. Them Nazis just run over motherfuckers. Black people always say. “I’d have told them Nazis…” You wouldn’t have told them Nazis shit. ‘Cause them motherfuckers didn’t play. You’d be out there talkin’ about… “Hey. Motherfucker! Mr. Nazi!” “What is this?” “Oh, nothin’, just. Uh… Just fuckin’ around. Jack. Like them boots you got on. Hom.” And in the penitentiary. They got all them racist groups. They got the white groups. They act like they’re in New York. They got the Nazi party and the… What do they call it? The Klu Klux Klan. The Mexicans got them gangs you can’t pronounce the names. And they don’t wear no shirts. The black people got the Mau Maus and the Muslims, Double Muslims. Them’s the ones you don’t fuck with… them Double Muslims. ‘Cause them motherfuckers can’t wait to get to Allah… and want to take eight or nine motherfuckers with them. I used to be a thief, and I wasn’t very good. I always got caught. I would steal from neighbors. I wouldn’t take no chances on gettin’ caught too far from home. I’d go over to the neighbors’ house. Wipe them motherfuckers out. I paid them all back now. I try to go back to Peoria. I’m ashamed of myself. “Miss Johnson. I’m sorry I bust in your house.” “I knew it was you, boy.” I don’t know why I would steal. My grandfather was in business. My family was in business. My grandmother owned. Like, three or tour brothels. My grandfather had a pool hall called “Pops Pool Room.” My uncle had a pool room. So there was money in the family. I was a lucky black child… ’cause I never went through no hard times. It was hard. If you wasn’t poor. You couldn’t get no pussy. They say, “We fuck just to keep our minds off eatin’.” I live in Hawaii in a place… I wanted to go to a place where there was no people. And I found the place. There’s 500 people live where I live. And they’re brown. I like that because you can sleep at night. ‘Cause you live around white people in the country, anything can happen. Not that I don’t trust white people. It’s just in the night. You know what I mean? Something happens to white people when you start drinkin’… and when you hear one of them motherfuckers go. “Yee-haw!” You know what I mean? It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up… ’cause I know what’s next. That “yee-haw” means get a rope and get a black motherfucker. “Why do they have the greatest kind of resistance against a rope? You can lasso a white guy. He won’t do nothin’. Black one. They kinda jerk away.” I like those guys: “You wanna sign this tor my sister?” “Hey. Buddy, you wanna kiss my girl? But not on the lips.” I say, “Okay.” Racism is a bitch. White people, you gotta know. It fucks you up. But what it does to black people is a bitch. It’s hard enough being a human being. It’s really fuckin’ hard enough just to be that. Just to go through everyday life without murdering a motherfucker. It’s hard enough just to walk through life decent. As a person. But here is another element added to it when you’re black. Them mothers got that little edge on us. It’s enough to make you crazy. ‘Cause it you’re in an argument with another man… he may be white, but it’s man on man for a minute… – and the shit get rough. He end up calling you “nigger.” You go, “Oh. Shit. Fuck. Now I ain’t no man no more. I’m nigger now. I got to argue with that shit… and. fuck. Throw my balance all off now.” It’s an ugly thing. I hope that someday they give it up. ‘Cause it don’t work. “Africa” It’s nice to have pride about your shit. I went home to the motherland. Everybody should go home. To Africa. Everybody, especially black people. Really, man, there is so much to see there… tor the eye and the heart of the black people. White people. You’ll go there and you’ll get ideas. “Well. That’s the way black people in America should be… walking around with sticks.” You’ll get the wrong idea. But, man… I was gonna find my roots. Right? Seven hundred million black people. Not one of them motherfuckers knew me. I looked in every phone book in Africa. I didn’t find one goddamn Pryor. I saw one familiar name: J-Bone Walker. I called that up. They say he’s in Arizona. But there’s nothin’ like goin’ and seein’ nothin’ but black. Black people. From the wino to the president. It’s black people. And it’s. Like, fair. You know what I mean? You go someplace. You’re on liberated land. I said, “These motherfuckers kick ass and got their country. And I’m on the land. It’s black people.” I mean. Black. Original black. You understand “black”? I mean. So many black people, it made me realize… somebody in my family had been lying to me. It’s nice. As you land at the airport. You look out the window… and see the black people and say. “Oh. Wow!” People are the same. The people in Africa fuck over your luggage… just like the people in New York. You know what’s funny? To walk down the street… and see white people looking tor each other. They’d be surrounded, and… Every black person I saw there seemed to remind me of someone from here. I’d walk down the street and go, “That motherfucker looked like Joe Frazier!” I’d say, “Goddamn!” He’d be the president of the bank. I’d go, “Goddamn! I wish Joe Frazier could see this motherfucker!” Or someone here. Like, is a wino… you see him over there. They be a diplomat. You go, “Willie the wino! Goddamn! Get down, Willie!” This was. I don’t know. Special to me, man. I went to the jungle, the real jungle. Not that shit Tarzan live in. Tarzan wouldn’t last a week in Africa. “Where’s Tarzan?” “You mean the crazy white man? He in the trees with cheetah.” “Where’s Jane?” “She whoring in Nairobi.” ‘Cause when you go out in the bush… you see animals… I mean, animals that are tree look different… than that shit we see in the zoo. You know them animals you fuck over at the zoo? You see the lion at the zoo. You be talkin’ about… You walk by. “Hey. Lion.” I like the monkeys in the zoo. ‘Cause they throw their shit on you. They’d be pickin’ and shit. They watch you, and one of ’em go… And then everybody laughs. “Oh, he’s so cute. Oh, aren’t the monkeys cute?” Why do people think bears are happy in the zoo? “Look at the bear. He’s so happy.” Motherfucker’s talkin’ about… “Let me out. Just give me a break. If I could get a hand on one of you motherfuckers. Oh. I’ll tear your ass up. I ain’t had no pussy in 12 years! Send me a motherfuckin’ panda. Bitch ain’t even got a pussy. They’re wonderin’ why we ain’t got no babies” But in the jungle, if you see a rabbit you get nervous. ‘Cause a rabbit be lookin’ at you… “Roll the window up. Dear.” “It’s just a rabbit.” “Fuck you. Ain’t no rabbit ever looked at me like that.” And you see a lion in the jungle, that’s what they look like… lions. Motherfucker be in the bush talkin’ about… “Yeah. Get your ass out of the car. And bring that camera with you. ‘Cause we gonna eat all that shit.” I saw three lionesses chase down. Like, a cape buffalo. That’s the baddest motherfucker on four legs… except for these bitches chasin’ it. And the lionesses. They work around in teams. Give signals You know they can’t talk. And the buffalo saw one of them, right? He tipped away from the rest of the herd. And them two others jumped on his ass. The other buffalo said… “The motherfucker didn’t warn us. Fuck him.” And you know how a buzzard circles in the movies? These motherfuckers drove up in a truck. Talkin’ about. “What it is?” Cheetah, man, is the weirdest thing to see go chase something… ’cause you don’t see nothin’ but dust. I saw two cheetahs. It looked like they were talkin’… about jumpin’ on some gazelle. “You want to go after that herd?” “Say, nah. Man, they’re too close. Shit. Why don’t we give ’em another 100 yards. How’s the wife and family. Man? You know. It’s gonna be tourist season soon. I got an arm last year. They’re about far enough. You ready?” The gazelles and shit hear them motherfuckers. They’d be eating and hear ’em and just start runnin’. They wouldn’t even look. “Run!” And the motherfucker that can’t hear is in trouble. “What?” “Cheetah!” “Huh?” “Cheetah!” “What?” “Cheetah!” “What’d you say?” “It’s your ass!” “I got ya.” I saw one of them gazelles make a move on a cheetah. It was embarrassing. The cheetah got pissed off too… ’cause he was ready to get the gazelle. And the gazelle said… And that motherfucker tell 400 yards trying to stop. And got up: “I’m gonna get you. Motherfucker. Make me look bad” We picked up a hitchhiker one day. An African man got in the car. And he had that odor. You know? This motherfucker had odor! He was in the car. You be drivin’. That odor was… And he’d lean over to point… And you’d be, you know… “Goddamn! I know my people. But goddamn!” And I looked in the rear view mirror. And this motherfucker was goin’… “Oh, shit! That motherfuckin’ cologne and shit they got on. Stinkin’ motherfuckers. Boy. I don’t know how I can take this shit.” He had his head out the window tryin’ to get air and shit. He’s goin’. “Goddamn!” He just ended up makin’ us stop. “Let me out of this motherfucker. I’ll walk. Fuck it. You motherfuckers stink. Kiss my ass.” One thing I got out of it was magic. I’d like to share it with you. I was leavin’, and I was sittin’ in the hotel… and a voice said to me. “Look around. What do you see?” And I said. “I see all colors of people doing everything.” And the voice said, “Do you see any niggers?” And I said. “No.” And it say. “You know why? ‘Cause there aren’t any.” And it hit me like a shot, man. I started cryin’ and shit. I was sittin’ there and said… “Yeah. I’ve been here three weeks. I haven’t even said it. I haven’t even thought it.” And it made me say. “Oh. My God. I’ve been wrong. I’ve been wrong. I’ve got to regroup my shit.” I said, “I ain’t gonna never call another black man a nigger.” You know. ’cause we never was no niggers. That’s a word that’s used to describe our own wretchedness. And we perpetuate it now, ’cause it’s dead. That word’s dead. We’re men and women. We come from the first people on the Earth. You know? The first people on the Earth were black people. ‘Cause anthropologists… white anthropologists… The white people go. “That could be true, you know.” Yeah. Dr. Leakey and them found people remains… five million years ago in Africa. You know them motherfuckers didn’t speak French. So black people, we the first people that had thought. We were the first ones to say. “Where the fuck am I? And how do you get to Detroit?” So you can take it for what it’s worth. I ain’t tryin’ to preach. I’m just talkin’ about my feelings about it. And I don’t want them hip white people calling me no nigger… or telling me nigger jokes. I don’t like it. I’m just fellin’ you it’s uncomfortable to me. I don’t like it when black people say it to me. I really don’t no more. It’s nothin’. It don’t mean nothin’. So I love you all, and you can take that with you. I guess you all say… “Mafia Club” I think the only brave thing I might have ever done in my life… was once I worked at a Mafia nightclub. Out in Youngstown. Ohio. I was 19. I was 19 years old. Right? And I didn’t know shit about the Mafia. My father was the baddest motherfucker I had ever seen. So the Mafia didn’t mean shit to me. I did not relate to the Mafia. I worked with this lady. Satin Doll. She was the star of the show. Beautiful black stripper. Right? ‘Cause usually in those days… in clubs they had a singer and a stripper and a M.C. I was the M.C., and she was the first black star I ever met. Duke Ellington had written a tune about her. That’s what she used to dance to and act. She was beautiful. She was 60 then. Oh. This bitch was fine though. Man. I’m not lyin’. Lena Horne didn’t have shit on her. And she was cryin’ backstage… “I gotta get to Buffalo. They won’t pay me.” I said, “Who won’t pay you?” “Club owners.” I said. “Oh, them motherfuckers are gonna pay me. Bet that.” This is how ignorant I was. I had a cap pistol. You know. Them blank starter pistols. I busted into the office with this motherfucker. Talkin’ about… “All right. Give me the money. Motherfucker!” Doing my best black shit. You know. You know. That shit usually scare whitey to death. And these motherfuckers didn’t do nothin’. I’m sure that those men… are sitting in that room today. Laughing. ‘Cause that’s what this dude… He just started to laugh. “This fuckin’ kid. Wait a minute. Hey. Tony. Come here. Rich. Do the gun again. Hey. Tony. Come here. Stickup! This fuckin’ kid! Come here. Come here, you fuckin’ kid. He’s got a pair of gagoozies on him, huh? Fuckin’ kid. Come here. Goddamn.” They like to hug you and rub you. “Come here.” And grab your face. “This fuckin’ kid’s got some gazoolas.” And they always say shit you don’t understand. “Hey. You wanna go… Hey. Paulo. Tix him a little… Put some struzi on it. Fry it up. They like fried foods. Fuckin’ kid, huh? He come in here. Had a gun, the fuckin’ kid. Huh? Pay everybody oft. Pay ’em off. It’s all right.” They paid everybody off, let everybody go and kept me. Like a pet. “I fuckin’ like this kid. You got family? Well. You got family now. Who is it, Carmine? Tell him I call him back. Tell him it’s a stickup.” Then these motherfuckers start tellin’ murder stories. “Hey. You remember when Oozie… Remember when I made my fuckin’ bones? Me, I had to go away. It was Cleveland, right? Fuckin’ teamster. Big mouth. Hurt a lot of people. Right? You know, ice pick’s my thing, Rich. So we fuckin’ had to drive down. Me, Johnny Salami… the Gaboozo brothers. They own a funeral parlor. ‘You carry. We bury.’ Come here, you fuckin’ kid. So we take this jerk-off out bowling, you know. Drive him around. Get him a few drinks. ‘Hey, let’s get some broads. Right? ‘ A little motel we had set up. You remember that, Johnny? So. We take him around. He gets kinda stoned. Drops his glass. I say, ‘Now.’ I pop him with the fuckin’ ice pick. Right? I’m poppin’ this cocksucker. Blood’s squirting every which way. He says, ‘Oh. God! Don’t kill me! ‘ ‘Oh. fuck you. You guinea cocksucker.’ And the fuckin’ ice pick breaks. I’m standin’ there with a fuckin’ piece of wood in my hand! I said, ‘Johnny Salami. What do I do? ‘ Johnny says, ‘Wait till it melts, asshole.’ Those were the good old days. What’s the matter. Rich? You don’t look so good. Hey, Paulo, give him a little… You got a way home. Or do you want us to give you a ride?” Don’t go out with the Mafia. ‘Cause you can’t buy ’em dinner. They always like to take entertainers to dinner. They take you to dinner, and they pick up the check all the time. And it you get mad, you say, “Let me buy the check tonight. Goddamn it. You guys buy me dinner every night.” “Hey, kid, let me tell you somethin’. We’re crime… and crime don’t pay.” The Mafia people are weird people, ’cause they appeal… They appeal to your intellect. They do. Them motherfuckers’ appeal says… “You’re an intelligent person. Aren’t you? And you realize that it’s very difficult… to walk without knees.” And one time I was in a room with one of these motherfuckers… and I don’t know how to describe… You ever seen a face just turn to stone? I mean. I was talkin’ to the man. And somebody was over here… talkin’ about something that had pissed him off… that he was gonna deal with… and it went from a nice conversation with me… A stone thing came over his face. It was like… And a chill went through my fuckin’ body. I said. “This motherfucker’s dead. I’m lookin’ at a dead man that walks around.” ‘Cause it was just stone, man. There wasn’t no compromise. There was nothin’ in there where you could go… There was none of that in the face. I said… “Boy, that’s a look I’d like to get, just to whip on a motherfucker.” You know. Just say. “What?” Remember that in The Godfather? That to me was the most chilling line in the world. When the guy said… “Hey. Could you let me off? Just tor old time’s sake?” And the guy said… Boy. That had to be the coldest shit in the world. And you gotta get in the car with him. Then you got to beg some more in the car. You ain’t gonna stop beggin’. As long as he’s got breath in his body. You get in the car. He’s talkin’ about, “Hey. Jack. I remember when I showed you how to drive.” Jack be goin’… “Mudbone” All Italian people are not in the Mafia. Whether you believe it or not. They’re not. Really. Most of them work for the Mafia. But they’re all not in the Mafia. What? – Do what? – Mudbone, Richie! All right, this is the last time Mudbone will be seen anywhere. This is Mudbone’s last show. Ladies and gentlemen, from Tupelo. Mississippi. Mudbone. You know… Now, I know that boy. See. He fucked up. See. That tire got on his ass… and it fucked him up upstairs. Fried up what little brains he had. ‘Cause I remember the motherfucker. He could make a motherfucker laugh… at a funeral on Sunday. Christmas day. But you know what happened? He got some money. That’s what happened. He got some money! Them missed meal cramps and shit was gone. He said. “Fuck it.” Went all the way crazy. Shit, now me? I’m still hungry. See. I’m gonna be out here four days and six months. I watched this boy, Rich. He used to come by. Leave me a dollar here. Fifty cents there. He was all right, you know. He would never lend me five. Though. But he let me have them two’s and tews. You know. So I felt tor the boy. I went over there and talked to him. And he ignorant. ’cause I sit down to talk to him… You don’t let him get none of that powder in his nose. That’s like tryin’ to talk to a baboon’s ass. I talked to the boy seven days and seven nights. He was still on the same subject. “Where can I get some more?” So I talked to him. You know. I said… “Boy, why don’t you do something with yourself? Since religion ain’t your thing… maybe you take up ballet.” It makes me laugh, thinkin’ about it. I told him, “Cause you gonna be black a long time. So you might as well enjoy yourself… ’cause there ain’t many black motherfuckers out there doin’ it.” He said, “Don’t stop now.” I said. “Don’t lighten up. Tighten up.” That’s what I told him. And he must have listened to me. He was gonna register to vote. I knew he was sick then. So. Listen. I’m not gonna steal the show from the boy. I ain’t gonna do that. So, I’m gonna… The boy got the camera. Only white folks can do that. And they make it look like such a mystery. They never let no black people do no shit like that. The only time you see black people doing some of that shit… is when they want the plug plugged in. “Say, boy. Plug that in.” That’s how you be sayin’. “I works on the camera crew.” I say. “What you do?” “Plug in the thing.” I say. “A monkey can do that.” Guess that’s why they hired him. See, I’ve lived through hard times before. People talk about these as hard times. Hard times was way back. They didn’t even have a year for it. Just called it “Hard Times.” It was dark all the time. I think the sun came out on Wednesday. And it you didn’t have your ass up early. You missed it. So I happened to be out there one Wednesday… and the sun hit me right in the face. I grabbed a bunch of it and rubbed it all over myself. Shit. I didn’t have nothin’ else. Might as well have some sun on my face. And as time went on. I remembered it was Thursday. I said. “Damn. That sun was a bitch. That’s why they didn’t want us to have none of it.” ‘Cause it’d cheer you up inside. You see. So I got all cheered up… and went out on a date. Lucinda Belle Mae. The girl was pretty. Coal black. Her skin was tender… like a baby’s butt. Her sweet breasts smelled like Carnation milk. That’s how tender she was. I liked her, too, you see. She had a little liking to me. So Lucinda… We’d have to tip away. We’d go up and do a little kissin’ up in the apple orchard. We’d tip away together on Wednesday mornin’… when the sun was up. We’d get up there. I’d make her put a little on her face… and she relaxed. When she relaxed. I started rubbin’ all over her. Women like when you rub on ’em… if you rub ’em in them right spots. You know. You got to rub ’em right there. Right on the inside of her leg by the kneecap. Rub ’em right there. And you rub it around until it starts burnin’. They open up then. Boy. ‘Cause there ain’t but two pieces of pussy you’re gonna get in your life. That’s your first and your last. And all that shit in between don’t count. That’s just the extra gravy. They say. “When’s the last time you got some pussy?” I say. “Yesterday. That’s as tar as I want to remember it.” I don’t want to sit around. Some motherfucker ask me… “How long you had some pussy?” I go… I don’t want to live that long. What I’m sayin’… What the point I’m tryin’ to make is… that there is no point to be made. That’s all that there is. There ain’t no point to it. ‘Cause you didn’t ask to come to this motherfucker… and you sure can’t choose how to leave. ‘Cause you don’t know when you’re gonna go. So don’t take this shit serious You better have some tun and plenty of it. ‘Cause when the shit old and you ask for a recharge, it’s too late. So all I can say is keep some sunshine on your face. “Freebase” I was up in Oakland with some old friends. I mean, motherfuckers I’ve known a long time. And I have changed as a person inside, right? There was an old dope dealer. Motherfucker used to… I used to follow him around for dope. And I always paid him. But it was always on credit or something… and the motherfucker acted like I was one of his pets. I started saying, “Wait, motherfucker. I paid tor the dope. I didn’t live at your house. I had my own apartment.” But he was acting like I was one of his bitches… and then. You know. He got real mad… ’cause I fired on his ass. I say, “No. Motherfucker, I wasn’t never like that.” I had my shirt oft and I was sitting on the couch… and suddenly he says something about… When you signify. Motherfucker gets vicious. “What about them burned-up rings around your neck, motherfucker?” And it hit me ’cause I had never thought of myself like that… ’cause I said. “Yeah, I’ve been burnt up.” It never had hit me like it hit him. I said, “Yeah, I been burnt the fuck up.” ‘Cause most people I meet. I act like I ain’t burned up… they do too. The motherfucker sneaks a peek. “A nice tattoo you have… all over your body.” I guess y’all say. “Fuck all that. How’d you burn up?” You say. “How’d you burn up in your own house. Motherfucker?” I know y’all heard all kind of stories about how I burned up basin’ this… and ether that. None of that shit got nothing to do with that. I’m gonna tell y’all the truth tonight. You got to promise not to tell nobody. – Can I trust ya? – Yeah! You’re some lyin’ motherfuckers. All my friends know this to be true ’cause everybody knows me. Usually before I go to bed. I have milk and cookies. And one night. I had some low-tat milk… and some pasteurized… and I mixed them together… and I dipped my cookie, and the shit blew up. I mean, the damnedest thing I’ve ever heard of in my life. Medical history was made. A lot of people say shit. I think about shit. Why do people think… All the people you ever heard of freebasin’… have you ever heard of anybody blowin’ up? Why me? Ten million motherfuckers freebase, I gotta blow up. I’m talking about… I started out smoking freebase. It was like… I started out one time. And I should’ve known something bad was going to happen… because I remember the first time I did freebase… I burnt my bed up. I was sitting on the bed, and somebody said… “Richard, the bed’s on tire!” I said. “What? The bed’s on fire?” It’s a weird disease. If any of you doin’ it… you ain’t gonna believe this, but if you’ve been doing it… longer than two weeks. You’re a junkie. Now I’m telling you so you’ll know it. I know you’ll tell yourself, “I ain’t no fuckin’ junkie.” You cannot stop if you wanted to. You’ll go home tonight and say. “Watch me.” You will not be able to. If you got the shit there, you will do it. I’m talking about, I started out smokin’… I would have a pipe and sit it down and walk eight feet away from it. Two days later. Jack. I would smoke. I’d go… One time. It looked like I had an appendage on my hand. It was the pipe. ‘Cause this pipe used to tell me when to go to bed. The pipe would say, “Time to get up. Time for some smoke. Rich. We’re not doing anything today. Fuck all your appointments. Me and you are just gonna hang out in this room together.” I’d get mad and frustrated. People didn’t understand me. The pipe’d say. “Come in the room with me. I got you covered. I know how you feel. Rich. Light me up. Hold me tor a couple of days. And we’ll talk it over.” I’m talking about a year later, jack. I’m talking about… I’m drawn up. fucked up and out of my mind… but I’m not hooked. People are trying to help me. I say… “You’re just meddling in my motherfucking business! You just think because I’m having a good… Leave me the fuck alone!” And I’m smokin’ my shit… ’cause my pipe would say, “I understand. They don’t know. It’s your life. They don’t have a right to fuck with you. Where were they when you needed them? Come in here with me. ’cause I love ya.” And then the pipe starts saying shit like… “You let me get a little low yesterday. I don’t like that. Don’t let me get low again. Or I’m gonna hurt ya. You promise, keep me full at all times. Okay? Come on, Rich. You can do it. ‘Cause I understand.” And finally. Dope dealers… I did it so bad, dope dealers tried not to sell me none. That’s doing it, for a dope dealer to say… “I ain’t gonna give you no more. I can’t see you do it to yourself.” Dope dealers don’t give a fuck about nothing usually. These motherfuckers refused to sell me cocaine. Said. “No. Motherfucker! You’re killing yourself!” What? “I don’t want to see you fuck yourself up.” I ain’t never heard of dope dealers doin’ that. I mean. You could sooner get free food in a Chinese restaurant. But these motherfuckers love me. Man. They say. “No, man. Can’t you just snort again?” And I’d lie and say, “Okay. I’m gonna snort. Just give me enough tor the weekend. I’m gonna snort it.” “How much you want?” “A kilo.” I don’t know I’m a junkie. I weigh about 103. I looked like… Ain’t been out of my room in eight weeks. Funk is my shadow. Funk be just hanging all over me, talkin’ about… “Hey. Don’t wash.” Then finally. My old lady called Jim Brown up. – She said. “Jim gonna come over.” – “Fuck Jim Brown! I’ll show Jim Brown. I don’t give a fuck. Nobody afraid of Jim Brown here.” Jim was coming in the driveway. I got all nervous. “Who is it?” “Jim Brown.” “Oh. Shit! This motherfucker ain’t gonna scare me. Let me get my pipe.” Pipe said. “Come on. Me and you will show Jim. Don’t worry. Shit, Jim don’t scare nobody.” Jim come in the room. I started smokin’. “How’re you doin’. Bro?” Jim had psychology. Jim’d go… “You wanna go roller-skatin’?” “Pipe.” “Maybe you wanna go tor a ride.” Jim say. “What you gonna do?” “What do you mean?” “What you gonna do about that shit?” “What? I’m doin’ what I wanna do.” “I ain’t afraid of you, you know. You ain’t no movie star to me. I ain’t scared of you. Motherfucker. I’m your friend. What you gonna do? You gonna get well, or you gonna end our friendship? What you gonna do?” The pipe said. “Don’t listen. He tryin’ to fuck with you, Rich.” “Jim, I am a man.” “There ain’t no doubt about that… but what you gonna do?” And Jim kept saying that all through the hall. “What you gonna do?” “Leave me the fuck alone! That’s what I’m going to do… I’m getting the fuck away from you… so I don’t have to hear ‘What you gonna do? ‘ ‘Cause I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do. Leave me the fuck alone!” So Jim almost got me to the hospital… but he had to go somewhere. Like to home to eat. And I was in the room with the pipe. And the pipe said… “Hey. Rich… Jim’s gone.” And it don’t matter how many times you break them motherfuckers… you go out and buy a new one. This is an addiction. It’s a monster. It’s pitiful. ‘Cause I ended up on the floor looking for shit. “Well, let me smoke this.” It’d be a piece of log. Anything. I’d say, “I wonder how my sleeve would taste.” I’ll tell you one thing. Man. When that tire hits your ass… that will sober your ass up quick. I mean. I was standing there on fire. And something said… “Why. That’s a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like fire!” I’m talking about, tire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics… ’cause I did the 100-yard dash in 4.3. “Hospital” You know something I found out? When you’re on fire and running down the street… people will get out of your way. Except for one old drunk. He’s going. “Can I get a light? How about it? Just a little oft the sleeve. Okay?” You can tell you fucked up when you get to the hospital and the doctor go… “Holy shit! Why don’t we get some cole slaw and serve this up?” I was laying in the hospital with tubes and shit up my nose… an I.V. In my arm… and a brother come in wanting an autograph. I mean. Steam and shit was still comin’ off me. Brother come in. “Hey, Rich. Hey. Hom. Can I get this autograph? Come on. Let me have this last autograph.” And Jim was in the hospital every day when I was getting well. He’d be there every day. Fire don’t mean shit to Jim. Fire jumped on Jim once. He said, “Hey!” Jim would be there giving me strength. I say. “Jim ain’t never been hurt. So I can’t show no pain. I gotta show my strength. Try to get well.” I was doing real well. ‘Cause nature is wonderful. When you burn up. Your skin goes to sleep… ’cause nature says, “I can’t deal with it”… and just goes to sleep. You don’t feel shit for about three days, till your nerves wake up. I didn’t know that. I figured. “I ain’t feelin’ nothin’. Everything’s fine.” And at the hospital, doctors and shit, they’re really great. But there was a brother who worked as a nurse… They’re unique people work with burnt people… ’cause I don’t know it I could work with no motherfucker burnt up. You know what I mean? Put some butter on him and say. “That’s it.” Go for what you know. Homes. But these motherfuckers… This Larry Murphy used to come in. “We’re gonna wash you down. And you’re gonna feel great. We’re gonna wash ya.” He kept saying it. “We’re gonna put you in the tub and wash you.” “You’re gonna wash me. When are you gonna wash me?” “We’re gonna wash you in a couple of days. We’re gonna get you better.” “Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah. Wash me, will you please?” I should’ve known something was wrong… ’cause this motherfucker come every day with this. “Don’t worry. We’re gonna put you in the tub… and it’s gonna be all right.” I said, “I’m not worried. Motherfucker. Put my ass in the tub. You know. Wash me. Shit.” “Come on. Don’t worry.” Third day. “Are you all right? Today we’re gonna put you in…” “Yeah. Larry. You’re gonna wash my ass in the tub. Okay? Goddamn.” Then they take you in the room and get you in the tub… with solutions. And you sit in the tub and say… “Yeah. Motherfucker. Tub. Right. Gonna wash. I know.” – They say, “Feel this? It’s a sponge.” – I say. “It’s a sponge, motherfucker. So? Wash my ass.” “All right. Put your arms up. ’cause…” “Wash me, motherfucker.” “Now it’s time to wash you. Ready?” I said. “Yeah.” Motherfucker said… “Don’t. Don’t wash me no more. Not even my little finger. No! No, you will not. Don’t you wash a motherfuckin’ thing. I don’t want you to touch my finger. I don’t want you to do a goddamn thing to me. Don’t wash me no motherfuckin’ more. And if you do, I’ll bite you. You motherfucker. Don’t you wash me anymore. I don’t care if I die. Don’t you wash me no more.” But they were wonderful. Man. Pain sure stops racism quick. Wasn’t no color in there except burnt-up motherfuckers. And we all got religious. You find God quick when they find your ass dead. I was watching TV one night, and they said I had died. I was bandaged up, and they said… “Richard Pryor died five minutes ago.” But I thank God every day. Jack. I do. I say, “God. Thank you for not burning my dick.” ‘Cause most people said. “You’ve been punished by God.” I say, “No. If God wanted to punish my ass… He’d have burnt my dick.” Now. That’s some punishment… ’cause when that tire hit my ass. My dick went to work. He said, “Emergency! Piss. Come! Do something! Keep the fire off the balls!” And my chest was hollering. “Help!” The dick said… “Fuck you! Go tor yourself! I’m protecting the balls! Spit!” You got a light? A match? Can I have a match? Thank you. Don’t do it! Watch out. Listen. Y’all… have been wonderful to come and share this with us… and I thank everyone connected with… It’s been a pleasure tor me to do this and get up here… and I thank you very much. I want to say y’all gave me a lot of love when I was not feeling well… and I appreciate it. Also, y’all did some… Yeah. Applaud yourself. Also. Y’all did some nasty-ass jokes on my ass too. Yeah. Y’all didn’t think I saw some of these motherfuckers. Since you love me so much. I remember this one. What’s that? Richard Pryor running down the street. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-overdoses-this-is-not-happening-transcript/ | Tom Segura Overdoses – This Is Not Happening [Transcript] | tom segura | Episode aired 30 July 2013 This woman goes “Hey Tom, you are in the emergency room and you overdosed.” And they’re like “what did you take?” So, I write, ‘Heroine.’ And they go “Are you serious?” And, I write, “Jk.” [intense dubstep music] [Ari Shaffir] Welcome to ‘This Is Not Happening’ presents one crazy night. So, this is what we do. We’re a bunch of comedians. We tell stories about a similar subject. So, this is just one crazy night. – Give it up for my friend and yours Mr. Tom Segura everybody! Let him hear it! [cheering] Thanks, Ari Shaffir, everybody. Let him hear it. Ari Shaffir. [applause] Alright. Let’s go back to 1997. Holy shit. Fuck. That time flies. And, I’m a freshman in college. And, Thanksgiving. Remember Thanksgiving everybody? [laughter] That’s the first time that you go, usually, back home. That’s your first break in your freshman year. And, it’s a big deal, because it’s also like a mini class reunion, because it’s the first time you see everybody you used to go to school with everyday. You’re back. Your first few months. And, everybody’s recapping. And the big thing is the next day. The day after Thanksgiving. Everybody gets together and parties their fucking balls off while acting like they’re a new person. Right I start off, I find the guy, one of the guys that didn’t go to school, and he’s like “I’m the new drug supplier.” And, I’m like “I remember you from math.” [laughter] And uh, he asks me what I want and I’m like “What do you got?” And, he goes “I have ecstasy.” And, I go “Yeah!” “Everyone says that’s fun, let’s try it!” [laughter] And I start taking it, and, oh! I forgot to mention. Before I went to college, senior year, I got really into a drug that was making its way especially through the south, through Florida, called GHB. And, I’m sure, I don’t know if you know what it is, it’s gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid your body naturally produces it. Sometimes, there are some places where they regulate it as an anesthetic. But, basically, when you get it, somebody made it in a bathtub [laughter] and that’s the good stuff, alright? [laughter] And they sell it to you, and they get it in a water bottle. They also call it the date rape drug, I, no I didn’t do that. I gave it to myself all the time, [laughter] it does have an amazing effect on sex. on masturbating, let’s be honest. On masturbating Uh, I really had some crazy masturbation seminars. [laughter] As a senior, and then I passed out, and I’m like “Who jerked me off?” And then I’m like, “oh yeah, it was me” [laughter] So… anyways… Okay, so I get the ecstasy into my system and then, I take it, I’d never taken it, so as soon as I’d taken it, I go like “Hey, man… Fuckin’…I don’t feel anything.” He’s like, “You just took it man, like, give it a minute, alright?” “Alright.” So, I’m hanging out at this party, we’re at a party everyone’s together, and then we’re going to go to a bar and at the end of the house party on the way to the bar I go “Hey man, I don’t feel anything.” So he goes “Alright, when we get to the bar, come find me and I have GHB.” So I’m like “Okay.” So, I find him and he’s like “Alright, let’s go the car.” And that’s always the big move when you go to the car, you’re like ah, this is where dreams come true, in the car. [laughter] Drug dealers cars, where it all lives, so I’m expecting what I know, which is a water bottle, and then a dose is the cap. So all you do, is you pour the water into the cap, and you drink it like that, and it takes like ocean water, like sea water, right? salt water, and then, it’s immediate. GHB, if it’s good stuff, it’s like, we used to call it perma-grin. Cause you’d be like [inebriated sounds] And if someone’s like “Fuck you!” You’re like “[happy inebriated sounds]” [laughter] So, I’m like “Alright, where is it?” And he goes “It’s right there!” and he has a gallon jug. Right? And, I’m like “Wow, that’s not a water bottle” And he’s like “Yeah, I haven’t even put it into the water bottles yet. That’s the full thing.” And it’s a full gallon. Now if you think about a full gallon you know that A] the cap is much different, it’s flatter you’re not gonna, and it’s also heavier, so I don’t know how to pour it, so he’s like “Just take a shot!” And I’m like “Alright!” [laughter] So I put it up and then I go in my mind, oh shit, I have like nine shots in my mouth right now. [laughter] So, the options are: do I spit it back into [laughter] the main jug, which I feel like he’s gonna be not cool with that, you know? Being that he’s a drug dealer and all. [laughter] The other thing would be spit it out on the ground, and I don’t wanna be rude, right? So, I just go like [grunts] [laughter] And, I’m like “Holy fuckin’ shit, I have taken way too much GHB.” Now, I’m leaving out the point that you’re not supposed to mix GHB and alcohol. It is potentially fatal. You may have known this, if you didn’t, it can be. At this point, I am on 13 or 14 drinks [audience exclaims] and it’s liquor, you know, vodka drinks, and I’m just pounding ’em, I get the nine shots into me, and then I walk back into the bar, and I’m like “What’s up everybah?” Like, I’m fuckin’ [laughter]. They’re like “Where does all this personality come from?” “Ah, it’s just natural man.” And then, I sat down I remember sitting down and then a girlfriend came, and she sat on my lap and then lights out like I just don’t remember anything like I went to sleep. All I remember is that I wake up, and I’m looking at lights on a ceiling right? I’m just like “Oh, shit, is this heaven?” And, then I see a woman come in the frame, right? Because I’m laying on my back. I can’t talk. I can’t move my arms. And this woman goes, “Hey Tom, you are in the Emergency Room, and you overdosed on drugs and now you’re coming out of a coma.” And, I’m just like “[unintelligible sounds of affirmation]” [laughter] Like processing it, but the process literally was just eyes closed, like “Ah, shit” and my only thought was like “I hope nobody knows.” That’s the only thing I’m thinking. [laughter] I hope nobody knows. And then I open my eyes again and my parents come in the frame. And I’m like “Ah, everybody knows.” [laughter] And they look so, just like “We thought you were a good kid what the fuck?” So, I’d never been in trouble They won’t let your arm out cause I would pull out the tubes. I have a tube for breathing, I have another tube that’s pumping liquid charcoal into my stomach because that makes the chemicals of the drugs come together and then you also can’t digest it, so you vomit. Which is what they want you to do. So, as I’m like [embarrassed whimpers], I’m also like [retching sounds] and throwing up, right? [laughter] So, they give me a piece of paper and a pen, but I can’t really write normally, cause I’m strapped down, but I can kinda chicken scratch, and they’re like “What did you take?” Cause they’re tryna figure out they don’t even know what I took. So I write “Heroin.” And they go, “Are you serious?!” And I write, “Jk” [laughter] They’re not like “Good one!” They’re like “What the fuck, are you joking right now?” [raucous laughter] So then, the kid in me, I’m looking at my parents and I’m so worried about them. I write on the paper I go “Are you mad at me?” – [Audience Member] Awww. And my parents, at that moment my dad reads it and goes “No, buddy, just disappointed.” [laughter] Can you save that for when I’m breathing on my own? Like so, I’m in that emergency room, I get moved to critical then ICU, and in the ICU, a doctor comes in who I hadn’t seen yet. And, I’m later told this is the doctor, they tell me, this is the doctor that saved your life. So, I’m sitting there in the bed and he comes in, and he goes “Are you in a band?” [laughter] And I was like “What, man? What?” And he goes “Are you in a band?” And I was like “No, I’m not in a fuckin’ band.” And he goes, “Well you had enough in you to take down two drum players and a bass player man” [laughter] And, I’m like “You, now, with the fuckin’ jokes? Really?” [laughter] And he goes “What did you take?” And I go, I don’t know “I took a couple pills” I told him honestly, “I had some drinks and, I took, uh you know, some GHB probably enough for a whole lot of people [laughter] And he goes, “What about the heroine?” And I go “nah, I was just joking.” And he goes “No, you have heroine in your system.” And I was like “[laughs] really?” And he’s like “Yeah, you have heroine, you have cocaine you have PCP, you also have the same chemicals that are in um, cleaners, like some of the, like the super duty cleaners.” And I’m like “What the fuck, man?” And he goes “Where’d you get your GHB from?” And I go “one of my buddies from high school.” He’s like “yeah, he’s a good friend. He gave you some fuckin’ WD40 to put in your system.” So, I, you know, eventually get to breathe on my own and all this shit and then he comes back, and they’re like “You know, the doctor” the nurse tells me “the doctor that saved you wants to talk to you.” And, I’m like “Alright.” And, I ask him, “how did I survive?” And he was like, “honestly… cause you’re fat [laughter] like you’re pretty fat.” [laughter] I was like “What, man?” [laughter continues] And he goes “I mean, a smaller person would definitely, like a 120 pound person would die halfway through this. This is just one of the only times where it’s good to be fat, right now” and that’s yeah, that’s why I still haven’t lost the weight, you guys. [laughter, cheering] [upbeat electronic music] – The best part is when he called you fat. Tom Segura everybody, keep it going for Tom Segura. Hey everybody, I just took a break from flying through space to tell you to, uh, click the link over there so we get more YouTube hits. And, don’t forget to subscribe, so that next week when the story comes out, you’ll get that as well. Oh, there goes a celestial planet. Hi, planet. [staccato tones] | null |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-sorry-transcript/ | Louis C. K.: Sorry (2021) | Transcript | louis c | Recorded at the Madison Square Garden on August 14, 2021 * * * ♪♪ [“Like a Rolling Stone” by Bob Dylan playing] ♪♪ ♪ Once upon a time you dressed so fine ♪
♪ Threw the bums a dime in your prime ♪
♪ Didn’t you? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ People call, say: Beware, doll ♪
♪ You’re bound to fall ♪
♪ You thought they were all ♪
♪ A-kidding you ♪ ♪♪ ♪ You used to laugh about ♪
♪ Everybody that was hanging out ♪
♪ Now you don’t talk so loud ♪
♪ Now you don’t seem so proud ♪
♪ About having to be scrounging ♪
♪ Your next meal ♪
♪ How does it feel ♪ [Cheering and applause] ♪ How does it feel ♪ ♪♪ ♪ To be without a home ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Like a complete unknown ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Like a rolling stone ♪ ♪♪ [Cheering and applause] [Chanting] Louis! Louis! Louis! [Clears throat] [Laughter] Well… [Cheering and applause] M-my… my favorite sex position… [Laughter] My favorite sexual position is, uh, reverse cowgirl… But I’m on top. [Laughter] Are you picturing that? It’s good. It’s really good. Nobody gets pregnant. It’s a lot of fun. I’m trying to learn things about myself. Um, I got a scale for my bathroom. I’m not trying to lose weight, I’m just interested in the data. [Laughter] And I did learn something, I learned this… Because I weigh myself every night before I go to bed; and then I also weigh myself on the morning when I get up and I… Here’s what I learned… I weigh two pounds less every morning than when I went to bed… And I found out why, it’s because I shit in my bed every night. [Laughter] I do… I take a full two-pound dump in bed, and then I turn out the lights and I go to sleep. Because I don’t want to sleep alone. Your needs change when you get older… At my age, a big… big pile of shit’s as good as anybody. [Laughter] I actually have a girlfriend, but we’re struggling, because she lives in France, uh, she’s French, she lives all the way over there, and we haven’t been able to see each other for a year because of the disease. I have AIDS. And, uh… [Laughter] She’s great, though, she sends me presents all the time. That’s how she keeps it going. She sends me gifts in the mail. I get something from her every week. Sometimes it’s chocolate from France or a shirt she wishes I would wear instead of things like this. And sometimes she sends something to make fun of me because she’s a little fucked up, so last time she sent me a pair of little girl’s panties. And, uh… yeah, I was like, “That’s not funny,” because these are in my house now. I can’t get rid of ’em! It’s like nuclear waste! Think of it, I can’t throw them out because I can’t have people find little girl’s panties in my garbage with coffee grounds and butter on ’em. [Laughter] And every solution I think of makes it worse, like, if I… If I put ’em in a bag inside another bag and… Layers of duct tape, wrapped in tinfoil. Or if I put him in a coffee can and I nail it shut and I bury it in the park in the middle of the night. Or if I cut ’em into tiny pieces… and throw away one piece each week in a different town. My friend tried to help me, he’s like, “Why don’t you just burn them?” I’m like, Do you understand? Even if there’s a one-in-a-million chance I get caught burning little girl’s panties… [Laughter] So I’m wearing them right now. So… [Laughter and applause] Yep… it’s the only solution I could come up with, I wear ’em every day… And I hand-wash them. And then I dry them like this… [Blowing] Just right on the little strawberries. [Laughter] Here’s the thing: men… our biggest fear in life is that we’re going to get caught being a kid f*cker, that’s every guy’s biggest fear. Even if you would never do it, every guy’s like, “That’s what’s going to happen to me, I know it.” It’s like being afraid of sharks when you live in the desert, like, “I don’t go to the ocean, but it’s going to happen.” ‘Cause it’s a fear not based in its likelihood, but in how horrible it would be if it happened. Because when they catch a pedophile, holy fuck. Holy shit! It’s brutal… Because we’re scared, we’re so scared of pedophilia because it’s here and it’s not going anywhere. That’s a fact… it’s not like there’s a finite amount of pedophiles, and, “We got the last one!” No, they keep… It keeps happening; every generation, there’s more. Some of you have kids and some of them are going to grow up, and f*ck kids, they might, you know? Okay, no, I’m… of course… Of course not yours, for some reason, but… [Laughter] They’re coming from some place. So any real solution has to start with the basic reality that there will always be pedophiles. Not a great thought, I understand, it’s not an uplifting… You wouldn’t put that on a fridge magnet. [Laughter] Or on your screensaver at the office. “There will always be pedophiles.” “Hey, where’s Jim? He’s not at his desk.” We do… we have to start with that reality, because our solutions that we have so far don’t really work. Here is our current solution to pedophilia: We wait till somebody fucks about 10,000 kids, and then we go, “All right, you, you better cut that out.” That’s pretty much it. There is no measures for preventing it. None! We have no policy to prevent it pe… No, we’re not even just… Like a street sign. There’s a street sign for everything! “No hunting,” “no spitting,” “no skateboarding.” I’ve never seen a “Don’t f*ck a child” sign in the w… I’ve been all over the world! Not even just like a picture of a guy f*cking a kid with a line through it, so that it… transcends language barriers. I mean, try it! You won’t get most of them with the sign. But even if one out of 50 of them is like, “Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was an issue,” that’s money well spent! There’s things that might work, and we don’t even try them. Like, is anybody working on very realistic child sex dolls? Okay, then let ’em f*ck your kids forever, is th… if that’s better! I’m so sorry… for suggesting something that might actually work. “Oh, no! Let ’em f*ck both my sons, but don’t make a doll. That would be distasteful.” The thing is that this… I’m still talking about it… This… this problem… We lose things because we won’t really face it, you know, that are important us, like the Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts… wonderful thing, being sued out of existence ’cause of all the kid fuckery that goes on. And I know it’s upsetting, because, look, here’s the thing: the Boy Scouts is a wonderful thing for kids. They go to the woods, they work together, they learn skills, they get in touch with nature. What could it be better for a boy than that? But some of those guys want to fuck the kids. I don’t think they do it a lot. It’s not like there’s just a shit-load of kids being fucked in the Boy Scouts; I think it’s mostly that they find out that the guy wants to… I don’t actually know, though. I don’t. Do you know why I don’t know? Because I’m afraid to look it up! I’ll go to prison for typing it into a Google! How do you solve a problem if you’re afraid to fucking look it up? “How many Boy Scouts get fucked on a…” [Imitating alarm blaring] “Oh, shit!” [Laughter and applause] Every time I move, I’ve got to tell my neighbors that I looked that up. Here’s what happens… Every few years you find out there’s some pedophile-type people in the Boy Scouts and then they announce, “We got… we got ’em all, we’re good.” And then a year later, “Whoa, there’s a bunch more!” [Harrumphs] “What’s going on here?!” At some point, you’ve got to wake up to the basic fact that the… maybe the people who are best suited to give your kids these wonderful experiences are folks that want to f*ck them. Maybe that’s… Maybe that’s why they’re good at it. Maybe that’s… if you want that, that’s where you go. Maybe that’s just the way that goes. Who else would want to take a bunch of kids to the fucking woods?! Who wants to take your shit kid to the fucking woods?! You don’t want to take ’em! Who else would want to do that, except people that are barely containing that they want to f*ck every kid in the face? That’s why they’re good at it. That’s what makes them good at it. I’m not saying that all Scoutmasters are pedophiles. I might be saying that the best ones are. I might be saying that. That sounds right. So I don’t know… you have to lose the whole thing? Just tell your kids, “Some of those guys want to f*ck you, just be careful, have a good time.” Take the contribution from where it comes. Michael Jackson… Wonderful music, blessed us with wonderful music… Did some other things, too. What… look, what’s worse: a pedophile who makes beautiful music, or one that doesn’t? This is the choices. “No pedophiles” is not on the menu. So how’ve you all been enjoying living the way I already was for a couple of years before all this shit? [Laughter and applause] Welcome to my life. Can’t work, can’t go outside, can’t show your face, gotta wash your groceries. [Laughter] ‘Cause I got cum on the groceries. That’s why I just… in my mind, that’s what it means. Maybe that’s not what you’re thinking, but… I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way, for COVID, I have it. This is it: We test everybody, first of all, and every time we find somebody who has COVID, you kill them. That’s it. That’s the solution. You won’t need another one after that one. That’s the final one. It’s been pretty amazing to be alive during this thing, during COVID, because you’re not going to see this again, and, wow, did we learn some shit. That’s really… the things that teach you in life are things you never would have chosen to do for yourself. I mean, think about your life as far as it’s been, where you had the choices, where you’re like, “I’m going to do this, I’m going to pursue this.” It all goes to shit, every bit of it. And even when it goes right, you’re like, “Why don’t I like it? It’s what I wanted. But why don’t I like it?!” Because it’s your choice and your choices are based on fear and fucking just thin, stupid, shitty hopes. But when life just kicks you in the balls and you’re like, “Oh, fuck, everything’s different now,” and you… It shows you shit you wouldn’t have looked at otherwise. That’s the great joy in it. And what I thought was really interesting about COVID, and still is, is that it’s the first thing I’ve seen where everyone on Earth had the same problem. Every human being on Earth had the same problem, and we never had that before. That’s why we don’t give a shit about each other, because you read, like, “Oh, there’s floods in Houston,” you’re like, “It’s fucking water!” What is it? What’s your problem? Floods… What does that? Just walk like this. What’s… what, you can’t handle some water? My basement floods… What the fuck? Who gives a shit? Like, he’s on a canoe in the street… “That looks like fun. Why is that an issue?” There’s fires in California. What… [Blows] Blow it out. What, you can’t fucking blow out a fire? Get the water from Houston and dump it on California. Fuckin’ deal with it. But we all had the same problem, every person from Zimbabwe to Tokyo to Newark to Honolulu, everybody was doing the same dumb shit. Every person had the same stupid fucking moment at the same… just trying to get the mask out of the well of your car door, trying to… “I got to go in Walgreen’s, where’s my fucking mask?” You try to… It’s got pistachio shells in it and pennies. Shake it… “I’m sure it’s still effective.” I actually like the masks, ’cause it just… Everybody looked nice. Everybody did, ’cause it’s just their eyes. Eyes are nice. You never hear somebody say, “That guy’s got gross eyes.” It’s really… we should hide these, we should keep the masks, because this is disgusting, how do we just… With no shame, “Look inside my face! Ha-ha-ha!” Spit and tongue and teeth? It’s fucking gross! Cover your mouth! Don’t… I’d rather look at your asshole than your mouth. I really would, I’d rather stare into your asshole than glance at your mouth. Assholes aren’t that bad, not to look at. We don’t like to think about assholes, ’cause, like, you know, the shit and the farts and the diarrhea. But that’s a small portion of their time. You ever really look at an ass… You ever really look? [Laughter] [Blowing] Mmm. Once you see it, like in nature, it’s just… it’s a little… [Squeaks] That’s all. That’s your asshole. It’s like… You know what it is? It’s just an aperture, that’s all it is. That’s your asshole. It’s like a camera shutter, that’s all it is. It’s like the opening to the James Bond movies, That’s what your asshole’s… [Imitating James Bond theme] [Laughter] [Imitates gunshot, flatulence] You ever go to lick somebody’s asshole and there’s a little guy with a gun in there? [Laughter] It was bad. But it really was an interesting social experiment, COVID, because everybody got told the same thing… The whole world got told the same thing. If you go out unnecessarily, millions will die. And a lot of us said, “Oh, I’m going out.” [Laughter] “Yeah… I’m going now and a lot.” Yeah, and millions died. Just, we’re not that different from the turtles that you’re trying to get them not to cross the fucking highway and they’re like this, “Where I fuck, I fucked over there, fuck you.” And we’re like, “Please stop!” Putting little signs up… “Don’t go!” And he’s, “Fuck you. I’m a turtle…” [Imitates splatting] It doesn’t… We’re not that different. We’re just a fuckin’ species, and we’re just rolling along. Yeah, many dying old ladies died. That’s what happened. Many dying old ladies finished dying. [Laughter] Here’s the way you got to look at it, okay? We’re still making more. We’re making new old ladies. Every day. There’s a fresh batch coming, they’re going to be great. I was having sex with a woman once, and she was so beautiful, I was having trouble not cumming, so I pictured her face at 80 years old, and then I came immediately. [Laughter] Because she was 92. [Laughter] Anyway… One thing I found very interesting was that during the pandemic, a lot of people really liked counting the dead people. That got very popular, was counting the amount of the dead and dying. “Do you know how many people… Just today! Just today! Do you know how many people died of COVID-19?!” “Just today!” When… why… wh… Keeping a daily tally? We don’t do this… A lot of shit going on that we don’t keep a daily tally of how many… babies were dropped in a bucket of paint. And I looked that up! I’m not kidding you. It’s 30 a day, it’s a real problem. I’m serious! A steady 30 babies a day are dropped in buckets of paint. It’s not random, it’s one guy that won’t stop doing it. [Laughter] Yeah, we liked counting them, we liked counting the dead. And when it got really high, we didn’t know how to count them anymore, people trying to find different ways to express the number or take it in. Remember January? It was really b… It was 3,000 people every day were dying of COVID, so people started saying this… “This is 9-11 every day.” “This is literally 9-11 every day.” When did we start measuring deaths in “9-11s”? When did that become the new, “how many football fields long is it,” for mass death? “How many 9-11s was World War II? Can we look it up?” I know the Holocaust was 2,000 9-11s. 9-11 wasn’t that bad, it was just one. [Laughter and applause] Only one 9-11 of people died on 9-11. That’s like nobody died that day. See, it’s all relative, because then you have those… Later… remember, January was really bad, January was the worst, and then in April, March/April, we all felt better, everybody’s like, “Oh, it’s way better now, it’s way better, “way better than January”… I looked it up, it was 1,500 people a day… and everybody’s like, “It’s way better than January.” Really?! It’s half a 9-11 every single day. But that’s way better. That would be like if on 9-11, after the first tower went down, you’re like, “Eh, that’s not that bad…” It’s just one. “Still got the other one, that’s why they made two.” It’s okay, it’s all right to… make fun of 9-11, it was a hoax. Uh… [Laughter] All right. Sorry. Anyway… [Laughter and applause] [Cheering and applause] I thought I had COVID about three times, I’m one of those idiots, I was like, “I think I have it. Can you feel?” I’m bad with pain too, like, the other day I hit my elbow right on that spot where if I had a gun, I’d be dead now, you know, that s… I can’t do pain. That’s why I could never be a cop. I couldn’t walk around with a gun right here. There’s 50 things a day where I’d be like, “Fuck that, that ain’t worth…” That’s my main problem, by the way, with the whole “defund the police” idea: What about people who want to commit suicide by cop? What about them? Anyway, we’ll put a pin in that, but… We had a lot of protests in New York, and now we have protesters that just live here. They’re not at a protest, they’re just here. I saw a protester in Washington Square Park. She had green hair and dirty legs. And she’s holding a little piece of cardboard, and it’s… with a Sharpie… It said “Abolish billionaires.” She’s standing there. And I thought, “I don’t think that’s going to do it. I don’t…” It doesn’t feel like that’s going to result… “in Jeff Bezos going, ‘What’s happening to me?'” [Laughter] Sadly, it’s going to be okay for him. I think that… I thought it was good how p… How young people got out there and they expressed themselves, they went out there to solve a lot of problems. Not all the problems, but some of them. They went out there to stop discrimination. Uh, not all discrimination. Just some of it, which is a weird form of discrimination. But there are groups… There are groups that are discriminated against, the… who don’t have any protesters or any people working for them. And we all discriminate against these people, like ugly people. Everybody discriminates against ugly people. They do, and it’s awful… I mean, I’d rather be discriminated against for my race than for being ugly because you might not lose a job or a promotion, but nobody kisses you on the lips, like, your whole fucking life, like, try that. This is what we say to ugly people… “We don’t like your face. Just don’t like it. So no one’s going to fall in love with you, and it’s unanimous… sorry.” And we just expect ugly people to be like, “Oh, no, I understand. I mean, sure, my head shape is no good for you, so I’ll… I’ll with… I’ll go without the things that matter in life.” [Laughter] Also, overweight people… Overweight people deal with things that none of us deal with… Because I’m not overweight. There’s people… [Laughter] Who are discriminated against because of their weight. I read a story once about a woman who was 600 pounds and she couldn’t get medical care, because everything… She goes to the doctor, he just says it’s because she’s fat… everything. She’s like, “My knees hurt,” he’s like, “Yeah, my knees hurt just looking at you, what’d you think was going to happen?” She’s like, “I have chest pains,” he says, “Yeah, ’cause your organs are over capacity, so they are hurting.” She’s like, “I got shot in the head,” he’s like, “Yeah, because you’re fucking fat, somebody shot you in the fucking head ’cause you’re fat.” It’s a terrible story. Here’s the worst part of the story, and this is true, this is true: she needed an MRI because she had something serious; she’s 600 pounds, she doesn’t fit in the machine. Do you know what they did? They sent her to the zoo. I’m not kidding, they sent her to the fuckin’ zoo! That’s what we do for fat people… who need an MRI! “Hey, here’s your prescription… go to the zoo.” Yeah, that’s where you should go. “You should go to the zoo.” By the way, you know how many fat people we have in this country? About 600 trillion-billion- thousands of ’em! You know how many trans people there are? About 38. But if you’re trans and you need a restroom and it’s awkward, we’ll change every restroom! But if you’re fat and you need an MRI, you go to the zoo, you fat b*tch. Just go to the zoo. You go experience that today. What happens when she gets to the zoo? What actually fucking happens when she arrives at the zoo?! “Hi… Are you here to see the monkeys?” “No, I’m here for an MRI.” “Oh, shit. All right. Yeah.” Uh-Huh. Okay, just stand in the straw over here. “Yeah, you’re after the walrus who has lymphoma.” [Laughter] By the way, why is there an MRI machine at the fuckin’ zoo?! Who was it developing that instead of a fat-human-being MRI? Who’s paying for this shit? You don’t give an elephant a fucking magnetic resonance image test! Are you fuckin’ high? That’s obscene! If an elephant is sick, you just listen. You do this thing. “Me-sa thinks she gonna die today.” I’m saying this out of respect for elephants, by the way, because we’re supposed to respect how they live. They don’t fucking cure their diseases. This is not their culture, this is our weird… “Let’s fix it! Oh, he’s sick!” That’s not how elephants live! An elephant in the Serengeti isn’t like, “I have a lump, I have to see my oncologist.” When an elephant gets cancer, he falls over and takes his fuckin’ turn and becomes food. You don’t put an elephant in a state-of-the-art… [Imitates beeping] What if you find cancer? What, are you going to give them chemotherapy? Think a skinny elephant with a pink baseball hat. [Laughter and applause] [Labored breathing] “Each day is a gift.” [Laughter] I love animals, I do… I do. We have a weird relationship to animals… We name them and we play with them, and we kill them and we eat them, and we stuff them. And we draw them. I have a dog… I love my dog, but I don’t know my dog. We’ve never had a conversation, not one time. I talk and she just hears… [Gibberish] [Gibberish] She looks at me, I’m like, “Yes!” She’s like, “What, you don’t know what the fuck I’m think…” “Fuck you”… I don’t know this bitch, I have no idea what she’s thinking. I really wish I did, I wish I knew what she was thinking, it’s my biggest wish, maybe, in life, is that I knew, ’cause I know she has thoughts. I know she does. There’s no way she’s just like, “Dog.” There’s stuff going on in here. I’ve seen it. You ever watch your dog make a decision? You ever d… watch your dog just walk in the room and then look around, like… “I’m going to go over here.” Why?! Please tell me why! I think my dog thinks I’m insane because I look at my life through her… through her eyes, like, I’ll watch TV for four hours, and from my dog’s point of view, I’m just sitting there. [Sustained laughter, scattered applause] [Exaggerated laughing] “What… the fuck is he laughing, what happened?” My dog is my life now because my kids are grown up, my kids are in college and they’re all, you know… I’m an empty nester. That’s what you call it when your kids are gone… ’cause they grow up, not if they’re dead. It’s not used that way. “My daughter died of leukemia.” “Hey, you’re an empty nester!” [Laughter] I miss it, I miss having little kids. I think about it all the time, I think about it… Maybe adopting, you know, I could adopt a baby from a Third World country. That’s a good thing to do because you can just leave ’em outside, you don’t have to… [Laughter] You know, it’s interesting… We’ve been adopting babies from other countries in America for a long time. You know, other countries do it too, but I live here, so I’ll talk about that, but… It’s an interesting thing. It’s not a biological imperative to go get a baby from thousands of miles away, but we’ve been doing that in large numbers here for a long time, and not always for the same reasons. There’s been different reasons why we’ve done it. In the early, like, in the ’70s, when I grew up, sometimes you’d meet a couple who had an African baby that they brought because there are those kind of, you know, these kinds of people, you know, the kind of couples that hold hands when they announce things. You know those kind of people? They gather their friends and they’re like, “We’ve decided”… You know those…? They have a farm table with a clay pot of honey on it. And their apple juice is cloudy. You know what I’m talking about? Those are the kind of people that make a trip to Zimbabwe and get a baby and name him Kevin and send him to Boston College, whatever. That was like the ’70s and ’80s; then in the ’90s, it became very popular with gay couples, started to adopt babies from China because they want to have a baby, but they can’t… They both have dicks. I don’t know if you know that. Did you know that? Gay couples have two dicks, so they can’t make a baby. You can try. You can… This is really fuckin’… You could… [Laughs] You could try to cum into one dick with the other, like, if you line up to dick holes and you could cum, and the sperm goes up this dick and down that one. And then this sperm gets to the balls and he… and they’re like, “What the fuck? Where…?” “Did we turn around? ‘Cause we’re in the balls again.” Whose balls are these?! These aren’t even his balls! Oh, he’s gay. Fuck. All right. Okay, all right. “Well, just swim around until we’re dead.” It’s just the way it is, you’re not going to… A baby will never come out of a penis. Which is good. It’s a good thing. Because it’s hard for women. Imagine pushing a whole baby out of your penis, dickhole. Even just the hand. Yeah. Anyway, so that’s why gay couples adopt. That’s why. [Cheering and applause] And often from China, because they make a lot of stuff there. Uh… [Laughter] So that was that, that was… The gay couples were adopting Chinese babies because they couldn’t have babies, and then… and then a lot of other couples started doing it more around the turn of the century. I used to live in Hollywood, which is a pretty awful place, and everybody there gets Chinese babies. It’s very popular. They go… because… And it’s not because they can’t have babies, and it’s not because they’re trying to help somebody from far away; it’s because they’re just busy; they’re busy… They want to have a baby, but they don’t want to have a baby. You know what I mean? That thing where you can’t have your baby and eat it too, or what… I don’t know how… They want to get pregnant is the point, so they go to China… They don’t even go to China, they go to the airport and somebody from China meets them, gives them a baby… it’s true. They just take it home and then they get a Jamaican nanny to watch their Chinese baby, and they go to cocktail parties. “We have this Chinese baby, it’s amazing.” And meanwhile, the Chinese baby and the Jamaican nanny are just alone, looking at each other like, “What are we doing? What is…? What is this?” Why can’t either of us see our families? Why…? “What the fuck is the point of this?” So, yeah, my dog, I got a dog, my kids are, eh, and I just sit around and watch, uh, watch YouTube a lot… That’s my favorite… pastime. Um… I was watching YouTube today; I was watching one of the ads that comes on before the video I wa… I don’t skip those. I think that’s rude. It is. It’s mean. Somebody worked hard on that ad. They trained a cheetah to run alongside a Jeep Cherokee. And you’re at home like, “Three, two, one… fuck off.” [Laughter] Fucking mean… what if you made something, dick? Anyway, the ad was a PSA. It was a, uh, anti-smoking message. It was a Puerto Rican man with a hole in his throat, he was like… [Imitating electrolarynx] “My father smoked. And my mother smoked. I wish I never smoked in my life. Please don’t smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes are very, very bad for you.” First thought I had was, why does he still have an accent? [Laughter] It’s coming out… Feels like if you bypass the mouth… You shouldn’t have an accident anymore. Does the machine have a setting for “Puerto Rican”? Is that just how air sounds coming out of this guy? Does he fart with an accent? [Imitates flatulence] “Senor, I’m farting!” Anyway, after the ad, I watched the video that I was looking for, which was a scene from a movie, and it’s a scene that I really hate… Every time I see it, it makes me angry, which is why I was looking for it on YouTube. And it’s a movie I like… I actually like the movie. It’s called Good Will Hunting, remember Good Will Hunting? [Cheering and applause] Of course, right? Matt Damon played… A great performance. He plays a very complicated young man w-wearing a tight T-shirt for a whole movie. And here’s the thing… Here’s my issue with Good Will Hunting… Matt Damon also wrote the movie. Okay? So he basically sat down, he’s like, “First of all, I am amazing.” [Laughter] “I’m a construction worker, I’m, like, working-class, and I drink beer and I get in fights, I get into so many fights. My friends are like, ‘You’re out of control, man, ‘ and I’m like, ‘Shut up this is the way I am.’ But then also, I’m a genius. Ooh! I’m not… I didn’t even go to school, I just know things, I don’t know why… I just know them. And all the nerdy geniuses that studied for years are like, “‘He’s so much smarter than us, it’s making it upset’.” It’s insane! It’s fucking insane. It only makes sense if he wrote it for himself to be the guy. So the scene I was looking for, it’s the worst example of that in the movie. Here’s what happens. He goes to a bar and he meets a woman and he likes her. And another guy likes her too. But she picks Matt Damon… because he wrote the fucking movie! Because he decided, you understand?! “She doesn’t like him, she likes me, you better believe it!” [Laughter] So he gets her phone number and then he goes outside and he sees the other guy in the window of a restaurant, and he decides to taunt him, so he goes over… He tells his friends, “Hey, come here, watch this.” And he says to the guy, “Hey, do you like apples?” [Laughter] And the guy says, “Yes.” And Matt Damon goes, “Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?” And all Matt Damon’s friends go, “Oh-ho!” Ho-ho! This was amazing! Oh! Oh-ho, my God! Oh, my God! You were ready with that! “How?!” You know how he did it? He wrote the whole fucking movie, okay?! He made everybody say all the things. Otherwise, this doesn’t happen. I mean, he hinges the whole fucking prank on the guy likin’ apples; the guy must like apples. Who the fuck… Who would say “yes”… to, “Do you like apples?”… Coming from a clear antagonist… who’s setting him up… Gathered his friends. “Do you… Ha, wait, guys watch this… Do you like apples?” [Sighs] God damn it, I do. I wish I didn’t. ‘Cause I can tell this is not going to go my way. But I just… I can’t lie. They’ll know it. They’ll know it’s because, boy, do I like apples. Do you understand if he says “no,” Matt Damon is fucked. He’s fucked in the face for life. He’s got nothin’! “Do you like apples?” “No.” “D…” [Stammers] [Laughter] “What…” Dude. Fuckin’ guy. No, come on, seriously. Seriously, you fuckin’… Don’t fuckin’… Don’t fuckin’… [Labored breathing] Do… do… do… Do you like bananas? Do… ’cause I thought… ’cause the woman gave me her telephone number, and isn’t that bananas? [Laughter] I saw a guy… I saw a guy peeling a banana the other day. It’s another banana joked, because… Did you hear the other one ended with “banana”? Banana… I got three banana jokes, by the way. This is number two. Okay. I saw a guy peeling a banana on Sixth Avenue, and it bothered me. I’ll tell you why, because it’s the way he… When I peel a banana, I hold around here, I peel down to my hand, right? This guy holds the banana at the bottom. And he just peels the whole thing all the way down. It felt like a guy at a urinal pulling his pants all the way to his ankles. I was like, “Dude, TMI with that banana right now. What are you making a smoothie on Sixth Avenue? What are you doing?” The banana was like, “Hey!” You don’t even know how much you’re going to eat. “I have a bruise right here.” Kind of got lost in the banana shame there. You wanna hear the other banana one now? [Cheering and applause] All right. Okay, so… I was at the grocery store… and I needed bananas. So I go over to where the bananas are, and there’s a Black woman at the bananas. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, I swear. [Applause] I understand. White people are very scared of discussing bananas and Black people in the same conversation. I understand… if I have a Black friend over, I would never offer him a banana. I just, I don’t know why, I just wouldn’t do it. “Hey, you want a banana?” “Why the fuck you asking me?” “Hey, man, sorry, you have an apple? I’m really sorry.” These are just the facts of the case. All right? I was in a store, looking for bananas and there’s a Black woman in the bananas, and I wanted to… I didn’t want to go there while she’s there because of COVID. We’re all giving each other space. So I… I… But I do want to be next. So I’m waiting. And she’s kind of takin’ a long time. And the longer she takes, the longer I’m a white man watching a Black woman choose bananas. And this is an awful thing about the world today, because I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but I feel fucking bad. I feel fucking bad. So I went to the strawberries. [Chuckles] And there’s a f*ckin’ Jew at the strawberries. [Laughter and applause] “Here’s a nice one!” [Laughs, clears throat] That’s the Jew. I’m not going to do the Black woman. No, not… you know why? Because I’m not afraid of Jews. That’s really… That’s the bottom line. I’m not scared of Jews. I don’t find Jews to be frightening… unless you’re in Palestine, then they’re terrifying. It’s very different. Over there, they’re like, “The Jews are killing us!” And here, we’re like, “Really? The Jews?” [Laughter] “We’ve been slapping them around for years.” Anyway. “This banana’s too hard!” [Laughter and applause] “Well, this banana’s soft, but I’m not gon’ have it till Tuesday, so… I’m gonna buy the hard one and wait.” Just trying to be fair. Just trying to be fair to the Jews. “Lawd, have mercy.” Anyway… [Cheering and applause] Don’t worry, I’m an old man, I’ll be gone very soon. I worry about getting old only ’cause I don’t want to lose my memory, you know? I mean, some of it I would love to lose. [Laughter] But it doesn’t work that way. You got to take it all or none, I guess. But I lose… I forget things, you know, like, remember Fonzie from Happy Days? I don’t remember him. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I forget weird things, you know? Like I was walking down the street once in New York and there was a guy in a van and he roll down the window and he said, “Hey, get in the van and suck my d*ck.” And I said, “All right,” you know, so… I got in the van and, you know, I was trying to pull the door, the sliding door, but it kept… and he’s like, “It just shuts, don’t… You don’t have to… I was like, “Sorry.” He’s like, “Everybody does that, it’s okay.” So I’m kneeling on the floor of the van on like a purse, and there’s no lady in there, but I’m like, “I came here to suck this guy’s d*ck, not, like, take inventory. I should just get to work,” so I started suckin’ his d*ck, and about halfway through… I’m guessing… I remembered… that, I don’t really like doing that. [Laughter] So, senior moment. [Laughter] Some people worry about getting old because they think it means that they’re dying, which it does. But this doesn’t worry me… I don’t worry about dying because I think it’s necessary. I think it’s something that you just have to do. You should do it. It’s… when it’s your turn, you should do it. If somebody you know, your doctor says you’re dying, just say, “Okay,” and die… Don’t, you know, “May be a miracle?” Fuck you, get in the ground, just take your turn. I really think that way now… I didn’t used to, but I do, because I… You know when I started thinking that way was when my mom died. My mom died a couple of years ago of anorexia. She was 300 pounds. She was bad at it. [Laughter] I know it’s fucked up, right? [Laughter] Hmm. What a piece of shit. Anyway… She would have liked that joke. She would have! My mom, fuckin’, she was gross. And I remember when she was dying, I was… I was alone with her, and the nurse said, “This is… this is imminent.” I was like, “What does that mean?” She goes, “It’s… she’s going to die in a minute.” I’m like, “Just say, ‘in a minute’. It’s so close.” Anyway, I was alone with her and she died, and I was like, “Fuck, they’re going to think I did it, obviously.” I didn’t want to lose my mom, I really didn’t, but I… but we had this one conversation, like, two weeks before she died, when we were… We were talking about it and I said, “Mom, I don’t want you to die.” And she said, “You’ll get over it.” That’s what she said! And I did. But in the moment, I wasn’t willing to accept it, I was like, “I don’t want you to go,” she said, “But we’re going in order.” Do you understand? This makes sense. I’m your mother,” I’m like, “Mom, stop talking like that. This is sad,” she goes, “No, it’s not. Look at it this way, would… Do you want me to never die?” I was like, “No, I don’t want that at all.” And it helped me get in touch with an important idea, which is that dying is important, it’s every generation’s greatest contribution to history is that they die. It’s the only thing that keeps things moving; it’s the only reason there’s any progress in the human race is that folks keep fucking dying. Every generation has had a mix of douche bags and amazing people and boring, great, good, whatever, but they’re all fucking dead. Every fuckin’ one. Thank God, they’re all fucking dead. There’s a limit to how much any of the good ones did, and the shitty ones got to stop being shitty. It’s a great system. Now, when you look at the Internet and all these people, you’re like, “What the fuck is happening?” They’… it’s okay. They’re all going! Every th… All of them are going to die. I mean, you don’t want to die. [Cheers and applause] You don’t want to die, you don’t want your loved ones to die, but that’s a selfish wish when you think about what would happen if nobody died… What kind of world would this be if there was no… Nobody d… If we still had people here from the 1100s? It’s hard enough having people here from the ’50s! “Sir, just scan the code on the table, there’s no menu.” “What?! I don’t understand!” Jesus Christ! You want to go through that with Pontius Pilate and Charlemagne? [Laughter] Fucking pain in the ass. Fucking old people that don’t want to fucking, just, when you get older and you start going, “Everything’s so crazy now”… No, it’s fine, just get the fuck out. It’s great. They’re not going to make it work for you, you’re here for 10 more minutes, just get the fuck out. If you’re in an airport and you’re looking at the toilet and you’re like, “I don’t understand how this works,” it’s time for you to die, that’s what that means. These toilets are for the next people, get the fuck out. That’s the way I look at my life now. I had some good, I had some bad, but I’m done. I mean, I’m… I’ll hang around ’cause I’m curious. But I’m so interested in the way things are going, I really am, it’s such an interesting time, such a… we’re on a hinge, it’s such a cool thing to experience that. I’m excited about a lot of what’s coming, there’s things that are hard now, but that’s the way it is. Things are going to get… I think it’s exciting what’s happening; I think young people today have some great ideas. They’re being a little cunty about some of them, but the ideas are good. The ideas are good. Like, when I was growing up, we had two genders… Male and female. Now you have all these expansion teams. I think it’s very exciting. It is! And the best idea is this gender fluid thing. This is a great fucking idea. Gender fluid, the idea, the way I barely understand it, is that you… you just… Something in the middle. It’s like a fretless bass. You don’t have to be… The specific pictures… What a dumb way to do it. “These are the kinds of people you can be, which one are you?” “I don’t feel like any of those people.” “Then you’re a failure. You have to fi… Start acting like these people so we know what to call you.” Why?! Just make it a… It’s just a… pbbt, What, just… A la carte, “I like d*cks, I don’t like balls, I’m a… this and… moving through it, changing when it feels like it.” I wish… what I’m saying is I wish we had that when I was a kid, because I think our generation got hurt by the rigidity of identities and how you had to just stick to them. You didn’t pick one right away. You’re eight years old, “What are you?” “I’m a… I’m a boy.” “What do you like?” “Uh, girls… Vaginas! Love vaginas!” I’m eight years old, I never saw one, but I’m committing my life to them right now. I don’t even get to smell one for a second! Just a sniff! [Sniffs] “All right, what else you got?” [Laughter and applause] Ten years old, “Are you gay?” “No, no, no, I hate d*cks, hate ’em.” What do I know? I didn’t even get to fidget with one for a minute! [Laughter] “This banana’s too hard!” [Laughter and applause] I’m not saying I wish I could have blown all my friends to see what it’s like. But on 4th of July, there were fireworks, I was with Matt, there was a feeling… I don’t know what could have happened. I have no idea… Because we were so scared. We were so… We were afraid to seem gay when I was a kid, ’cause in the ’70s, the stereotypes showed you what everybody is like. [Deep voice] Men are like this. [Falsetto] And then the women have to act like this, and then gay people are like… they’re just tired. That was gay people in the ’70s. “I’m gay. Help, I’m gay, I can’t even do anything.” That’s what gay men were in the ’70s. You ever meet a gay person? You don’t fuck with gay people, not today. They’re all athletes, first of all. And they… they got their shit together. They’re fucking… their motherfuckers, gay people. Your landlord’s gay. They’re billionaires! They own Apple. They’re in the cabinet, they’re in the Navy. They’re… they’re… they’re cowboys and Indians and construction workers. Gay men are men. You ever go in a gay-owned business? He’s like, “Can I help you?” Like, the gay’s in there, but he’s fucking tough now. “This is my store, motherfucker, what do you want?” Gay men are men now. They’re… they’re fathers, they’re husbands, they’re men. Today’s heterosexual men are f*ggots. I don’t know how that happened! [Cheering and applause] And I… but they’re f*gs! [Cheering and applause] I’m saying that with love and as an old man on his way out the door, but they’re fucking f*gs! They’re intelligent and they’re evolved, but they’re f*gs, with the pajama shorts?! And the… just pale, almost blue. “Mm, my wife got a promotion today.” Oh, good for you, f*ggot. I’m so happy. I am! I’m happy for him! Sounds like a good… They have a good life together. But it takes some getting used to for me… When I see a progressive young couple, I always want to stop them and ask her, “Is that turning you on? Please tell me, is that sexy?” He… with the Tin Man’s hand pipe, just… Strawberry smoke. “Pbbt!” She’s like, Well, he’s very intelligent “and he’s conscientious”… But does he make your p*ssy wet? “Fuck, no, he’s a f*g. But I love him.” And again, great, it’s another kind of dude, “f*ggy straight dude,” it’s another kind of guy. Welcome! We should have all of it, the whole spectrum, the whole alphabet, all of it. But somebody does have to be just a straight fucking. You have to have that. It doesn’t have to be the most important, but you do need it because it’s where it all fuckin’ comes from. Until they figure out some other shit, this is where life still starts. If… if you want to eat local and organic, you got to respect that someone’s got to have a hard d*ck f*cking a p*ssy. That’s… that’s where every trans, every gay person, came from… two boring straight people f*cking. I mean, that’s just… for now, it’s… someone needs… You could… With an original d*ck, not a turned-inside-out p*ssy wrapped in thigh flesh… Which is wonderful! Wonderful! You got to respect that! You do! Somebody who wants to be themselves so bad they rip their balls off… That takes balls to do that. It does! Fuckin’ respect! But someone’s got to have a factory d*ck with matching numbers, fucking a wet, farm-raised p*ssy. [Laughter and applause] Thank you very much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. ♪ Ah, you never turned around to see the frowns ♪
♪ On the jugglers and the clowns when they all did ♪
♪ Tricks for you ♪ ♪♪ ♪ You never understood that it ain’t no good ♪
♪ You shouldn’t let other people get your ♪
♪ Kicks for you ♪ ♪♪ ♪ You used to ride on a chrome horse with your diplomat ♪
♪ Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat ♪
♪ Ain’t it hard when you discovered that ♪
♪ He really wasn’t where it’s at ♪
♪ After he took from you everything ♪
♪ He could steal ♪
♪ How does it feel? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ How does it feel? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ To have on your own ♪
♪ With no direction home ♪
♪ Like a complete unknown ♪
♪ Like a rolling stone ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ Ah, princess on a steeple and all the pretty people ♪
♪ They’re all drinking, thinking that they’ve ♪
♪ Got it made ♪
♪ Exchanging all… ♪ DEDICATED TO NORM MACDONALD Pretty amazing that Louis CK has to resort to Jim Crow tropes to get a laugh. | [Cheering and applause] [Chanting] Louis! Louis! Louis! [Clears throat] [Laughter] Well… [Cheering and applause] M-my… my favorite sex position… [Laughter] My favorite sexual position is, uh, reverse cowgirl… But I’m on top. [Laughter] Are you picturing that? It’s good. It’s really good. Nobody gets pregnant. It’s a lot of fun. I’m trying to learn things about myself. Um, I got a scale for my bathroom. I’m not trying to lose weight, I’m just interested in the data. [Laughter] And I did learn something, I learned this… Because I weigh myself every night before I go to bed; and then I also weigh myself on the morning when I get up and I… Here’s what I learned… I weigh two pounds less every morning than when I went to bed… And I found out why, it’s because I shit in my bed every night. [Laughter] I do… I take a full two-pound dump in bed, and then I turn out the lights and I go to sleep. Because I don’t want to sleep alone. Your needs change when you get older… At my age, a big… big pile of shit’s as good as anybody. [Laughter] I actually have a girlfriend, but we’re struggling, because she lives in France, uh, she’s French, she lives all the way over there, and we haven’t been able to see each other for a year because of the disease. I have AIDS. And, uh… [Laughter] She’s great, though, she sends me presents all the time. That’s how she keeps it going. She sends me gifts in the mail. I get something from her every week. Sometimes it’s chocolate from France or a shirt she wishes I would wear instead of things like this. And sometimes she sends something to make fun of me because she’s a little fucked up, so last time she sent me a pair of little girl’s panties. And, uh… yeah, I was like, “That’s not funny,” because these are in my house now. I can’t get rid of ’em! It’s like nuclear waste! Think of it, I can’t throw them out because I can’t have people find little girl’s panties in my garbage with coffee grounds and butter on ’em. [Laughter] And every solution I think of makes it worse, like, if I… If I put ’em in a bag inside another bag and… Layers of duct tape, wrapped in tinfoil. Or if I put him in a coffee can and I nail it shut and I bury it in the park in the middle of the night. Or if I cut ’em into tiny pieces… and throw away one piece each week in a different town. My friend tried to help me, he’s like, “Why don’t you just burn them?” I’m like, Do you understand? Even if there’s a one-in-a-million chance I get caught burning little girl’s panties… [Laughter] So I’m wearing them right now. So… [Laughter and applause] Yep… it’s the only solution I could come up with, I wear ’em every day… And I hand-wash them. And then I dry them like this… [Blowing] Just right on the little strawberries. [Laughter] Here’s the thing: men… our biggest fear in life is that we’re going to get caught being a kid f*cker, that’s every guy’s biggest fear. Even if you would never do it, every guy’s like, “That’s what’s going to happen to me, I know it.” It’s like being afraid of sharks when you live in the desert, like, “I don’t go to the ocean, but it’s going to happen.” ‘Cause it’s a fear not based in its likelihood, but in how horrible it would be if it happened. Because when they catch a pedophile, holy fuck. Holy shit! It’s brutal… Because we’re scared, we’re so scared of pedophilia because it’s here and it’s not going anywhere. That’s a fact… it’s not like there’s a finite amount of pedophiles, and, “We got the last one!” No, they keep… It keeps happening; every generation, there’s more. Some of you have kids and some of them are going to grow up, and f*ck kids, they might, you know? Okay, no, I’m… of course… Of course not yours, for some reason, but… [Laughter] They’re coming from some place. So any real solution has to start with the basic reality that there will always be pedophiles. Not a great thought, I understand, it’s not an uplifting… You wouldn’t put that on a fridge magnet. [Laughter] Or on your screensaver at the office. “There will always be pedophiles.” “Hey, where’s Jim? He’s not at his desk.” We do… we have to start with that reality, because our solutions that we have so far don’t really work. Here is our current solution to pedophilia: We wait till somebody fucks about 10,000 kids, and then we go, “All right, you, you better cut that out.” That’s pretty much it. There is no measures for preventing it. None! We have no policy to prevent it pe… No, we’re not even just… Like a street sign. There’s a street sign for everything! “No hunting,” “no spitting,” “no skateboarding.” I’ve never seen a “Don’t f*ck a child” sign in the w… I’ve been all over the world! Not even just like a picture of a guy f*cking a kid with a line through it, so that it… transcends language barriers. I mean, try it! You won’t get most of them with the sign. But even if one out of 50 of them is like, “Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was an issue,” that’s money well spent! There’s things that might work, and we don’t even try them. Like, is anybody working on very realistic child sex dolls? Okay, then let ’em f*ck your kids forever, is th… if that’s better! I’m so sorry… for suggesting something that might actually work. “Oh, no! Let ’em f*ck both my sons, but don’t make a doll. That would be distasteful.” The thing is that this… I’m still talking about it… This… this problem… We lose things because we won’t really face it, you know, that are important us, like the Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts… wonderful thing, being sued out of existence ’cause of all the kid fuckery that goes on. And I know it’s upsetting, because, look, here’s the thing: the Boy Scouts is a wonderful thing for kids. They go to the woods, they work together, they learn skills, they get in touch with nature. What could it be better for a boy than that? But some of those guys want to fuck the kids. I don’t think they do it a lot. It’s not like there’s just a shit-load of kids being fucked in the Boy Scouts; I think it’s mostly that they find out that the guy wants to… I don’t actually know, though. I don’t. Do you know why I don’t know? Because I’m afraid to look it up! I’ll go to prison for typing it into a Google! How do you solve a problem if you’re afraid to fucking look it up? “How many Boy Scouts get fucked on a…” [Imitating alarm blaring] “Oh, shit!” [Laughter and applause] Every time I move, I’ve got to tell my neighbors that I looked that up. Here’s what happens… Every few years you find out there’s some pedophile-type people in the Boy Scouts and then they announce, “We got… we got ’em all, we’re good.” And then a year later, “Whoa, there’s a bunch more!” [Harrumphs] “What’s going on here?!” At some point, you’ve got to wake up to the basic fact that the… maybe the people who are best suited to give your kids these wonderful experiences are folks that want to f*ck them. Maybe that’s… Maybe that’s why they’re good at it. Maybe that’s… if you want that, that’s where you go. Maybe that’s just the way that goes. Who else would want to take a bunch of kids to the fucking woods?! Who wants to take your shit kid to the fucking woods?! You don’t want to take ’em! Who else would want to do that, except people that are barely containing that they want to f*ck every kid in the face? That’s why they’re good at it. That’s what makes them good at it. I’m not saying that all Scoutmasters are pedophiles. I might be saying that the best ones are. I might be saying that. That sounds right. So I don’t know… you have to lose the whole thing? Just tell your kids, “Some of those guys want to f*ck you, just be careful, have a good time.” Take the contribution from where it comes. Michael Jackson… Wonderful music, blessed us with wonderful music… Did some other things, too. What… look, what’s worse: a pedophile who makes beautiful music, or one that doesn’t? This is the choices. “No pedophiles” is not on the menu. So how’ve you all been enjoying living the way I already was for a couple of years before all this shit? [Laughter and applause] Welcome to my life. Can’t work, can’t go outside, can’t show your face, gotta wash your groceries. [Laughter] ‘Cause I got cum on the groceries. That’s why I just… in my mind, that’s what it means. Maybe that’s not what you’re thinking, but… I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way, for COVID, I have it. This is it: We test everybody, first of all, and every time we find somebody who has COVID, you kill them. That’s it. That’s the solution. You won’t need another one after that one. That’s the final one. It’s been pretty amazing to be alive during this thing, during COVID, because you’re not going to see this again, and, wow, did we learn some shit. That’s really… the things that teach you in life are things you never would have chosen to do for yourself. I mean, think about your life as far as it’s been, where you had the choices, where you’re like, “I’m going to do this, I’m going to pursue this.” It all goes to shit, every bit of it. And even when it goes right, you’re like, “Why don’t I like it? It’s what I wanted. But why don’t I like it?!” Because it’s your choice and your choices are based on fear and fucking just thin, stupid, shitty hopes. But when life just kicks you in the balls and you’re like, “Oh, fuck, everything’s different now,” and you… It shows you shit you wouldn’t have looked at otherwise. That’s the great joy in it. And what I thought was really interesting about COVID, and still is, is that it’s the first thing I’ve seen where everyone on Earth had the same problem. Every human being on Earth had the same problem, and we never had that before. That’s why we don’t give a shit about each other, because you read, like, “Oh, there’s floods in Houston,” you’re like, “It’s fucking water!” What is it? What’s your problem? Floods… What does that? Just walk like this. What’s… what, you can’t handle some water? My basement floods… What the fuck? Who gives a shit? Like, he’s on a canoe in the street… “That looks like fun. Why is that an issue?” There’s fires in California. What… [Blows] Blow it out. What, you can’t fucking blow out a fire? Get the water from Houston and dump it on California. Fuckin’ deal with it. But we all had the same problem, every person from Zimbabwe to Tokyo to Newark to Honolulu, everybody was doing the same dumb shit. Every person had the same stupid fucking moment at the same… just trying to get the mask out of the well of your car door, trying to… “I got to go in Walgreen’s, where’s my fucking mask?” You try to… It’s got pistachio shells in it and pennies. Shake it… “I’m sure it’s still effective.” I actually like the masks, ’cause it just… Everybody looked nice. Everybody did, ’cause it’s just their eyes. Eyes are nice. You never hear somebody say, “That guy’s got gross eyes.” It’s really… we should hide these, we should keep the masks, because this is disgusting, how do we just… With no shame, “Look inside my face! Ha-ha-ha!” Spit and tongue and teeth? It’s fucking gross! Cover your mouth! Don’t… I’d rather look at your asshole than your mouth. I really would, I’d rather stare into your asshole than glance at your mouth. Assholes aren’t that bad, not to look at. We don’t like to think about assholes, ’cause, like, you know, the shit and the farts and the diarrhea. But that’s a small portion of their time. You ever really look at an ass… You ever really look? [Laughter] [Blowing] Mmm. Once you see it, like in nature, it’s just… it’s a little… [Squeaks] That’s all. That’s your asshole. It’s like… You know what it is? It’s just an aperture, that’s all it is. That’s your asshole. It’s like a camera shutter, that’s all it is. It’s like the opening to the James Bond movies, That’s what your asshole’s… [Imitating James Bond theme] [Laughter] [Imitates gunshot, flatulence] You ever go to lick somebody’s asshole and there’s a little guy with a gun in there? [Laughter] It was bad. But it really was an interesting social experiment, COVID, because everybody got told the same thing… The whole world got told the same thing. If you go out unnecessarily, millions will die. And a lot of us said, “Oh, I’m going out.” [Laughter] “Yeah… I’m going now and a lot.” Yeah, and millions died. Just, we’re not that different from the turtles that you’re trying to get them not to cross the fucking highway and they’re like this, “Where I fuck, I fucked over there, fuck you.” And we’re like, “Please stop!” Putting little signs up… “Don’t go!” And he’s, “Fuck you. I’m a turtle…” [Imitates splatting] It doesn’t… We’re not that different. We’re just a fuckin’ species, and we’re just rolling along. Yeah, many dying old ladies died. That’s what happened. Many dying old ladies finished dying. [Laughter] Here’s the way you got to look at it, okay? We’re still making more. We’re making new old ladies. Every day. There’s a fresh batch coming, they’re going to be great. I was having sex with a woman once, and she was so beautiful, I was having trouble not cumming, so I pictured her face at 80 years old, and then I came immediately. [Laughter] Because she was 92. [Laughter] Anyway… One thing I found very interesting was that during the pandemic, a lot of people really liked counting the dead people. That got very popular, was counting the amount of the dead and dying. “Do you know how many people… Just today! Just today! Do you know how many people died of COVID-19?!” “Just today!” When… why… wh… Keeping a daily tally? We don’t do this… A lot of shit going on that we don’t keep a daily tally of how many… babies were dropped in a bucket of paint. And I looked that up! I’m not kidding you. It’s 30 a day, it’s a real problem. I’m serious! A steady 30 babies a day are dropped in buckets of paint. It’s not random, it’s one guy that won’t stop doing it. [Laughter] Yeah, we liked counting them, we liked counting the dead. And when it got really high, we didn’t know how to count them anymore, people trying to find different ways to express the number or take it in. Remember January? It was really b… It was 3,000 people every day were dying of COVID, so people started saying this… “This is 9-11 every day.” “This is literally 9-11 every day.” When did we start measuring deaths in “9-11s”? When did that become the new, “how many football fields long is it,” for mass death? “How many 9-11s was World War II? Can we look it up?” I know the Holocaust was 2,000 9-11s. 9-11 wasn’t that bad, it was just one. [Laughter and applause] Only one 9-11 of people died on 9-11. That’s like nobody died that day. See, it’s all relative, because then you have those… Later… remember, January was really bad, January was the worst, and then in April, March/April, we all felt better, everybody’s like, “Oh, it’s way better now, it’s way better, “way better than January”… I looked it up, it was 1,500 people a day… and everybody’s like, “It’s way better than January.” Really?! It’s half a 9-11 every single day. But that’s way better. That would be like if on 9-11, after the first tower went down, you’re like, “Eh, that’s not that bad…” It’s just one. “Still got the other one, that’s why they made two.” It’s okay, it’s all right to… make fun of 9-11, it was a hoax. Uh… [Laughter] All right. Sorry. Anyway… [Laughter and applause] [Cheering and applause] I thought I had COVID about three times, I’m one of those idiots, I was like, “I think I have it. Can you feel?” I’m bad with pain too, like, the other day I hit my elbow right on that spot where if I had a gun, I’d be dead now, you know, that s… I can’t do pain. That’s why I could never be a cop. I couldn’t walk around with a gun right here. There’s 50 things a day where I’d be like, “Fuck that, that ain’t worth…” That’s my main problem, by the way, with the whole “defund the police” idea: What about people who want to commit suicide by cop? What about them? Anyway, we’ll put a pin in that, but… We had a lot of protests in New York, and now we have protesters that just live here. They’re not at a protest, they’re just here. I saw a protester in Washington Square Park. She had green hair and dirty legs. And she’s holding a little piece of cardboard, and it’s… with a Sharpie… It said “Abolish billionaires.” She’s standing there. And I thought, “I don’t think that’s going to do it. I don’t…” It doesn’t feel like that’s going to result… “in Jeff Bezos going, ‘What’s happening to me?'” [Laughter] Sadly, it’s going to be okay for him. I think that… I thought it was good how p… How young people got out there and they expressed themselves, they went out there to solve a lot of problems. Not all the problems, but some of them. They went out there to stop discrimination. Uh, not all discrimination. Just some of it, which is a weird form of discrimination. But there are groups… There are groups that are discriminated against, the… who don’t have any protesters or any people working for them. And we all discriminate against these people, like ugly people. Everybody discriminates against ugly people. They do, and it’s awful… I mean, I’d rather be discriminated against for my race than for being ugly because you might not lose a job or a promotion, but nobody kisses you on the lips, like, your whole fucking life, like, try that. This is what we say to ugly people… “We don’t like your face. Just don’t like it. So no one’s going to fall in love with you, and it’s unanimous… sorry.” And we just expect ugly people to be like, “Oh, no, I understand. I mean, sure, my head shape is no good for you, so I’ll… I’ll with… I’ll go without the things that matter in life.” [Laughter] Also, overweight people… Overweight people deal with things that none of us deal with… Because I’m not overweight. There’s people… [Laughter] Who are discriminated against because of their weight. I read a story once about a woman who was 600 pounds and she couldn’t get medical care, because everything… She goes to the doctor, he just says it’s because she’s fat… everything. She’s like, “My knees hurt,” he’s like, “Yeah, my knees hurt just looking at you, what’d you think was going to happen?” She’s like, “I have chest pains,” he says, “Yeah, ’cause your organs are over capacity, so they are hurting.” She’s like, “I got shot in the head,” he’s like, “Yeah, because you’re fucking fat, somebody shot you in the fucking head ’cause you’re fat.” It’s a terrible story. Here’s the worst part of the story, and this is true, this is true: she needed an MRI because she had something serious; she’s 600 pounds, she doesn’t fit in the machine. Do you know what they did? They sent her to the zoo. I’m not kidding, they sent her to the fuckin’ zoo! That’s what we do for fat people… who need an MRI! “Hey, here’s your prescription… go to the zoo.” Yeah, that’s where you should go. “You should go to the zoo.” By the way, you know how many fat people we have in this country? About 600 trillion-billion- thousands of ’em! You know how many trans people there are? About 38. But if you’re trans and you need a restroom and it’s awkward, we’ll change every restroom! But if you’re fat and you need an MRI, you go to the zoo, you fat b*tch. Just go to the zoo. You go experience that today. What happens when she gets to the zoo? What actually fucking happens when she arrives at the zoo?! “Hi… Are you here to see the monkeys?” “No, I’m here for an MRI.” “Oh, shit. All right. Yeah.” Uh-Huh. Okay, just stand in the straw over here. “Yeah, you’re after the walrus who has lymphoma.” [Laughter] By the way, why is there an MRI machine at the fuckin’ zoo?! Who was it developing that instead of a fat-human-being MRI? Who’s paying for this shit? You don’t give an elephant a fucking magnetic resonance image test! Are you fuckin’ high? That’s obscene! If an elephant is sick, you just listen. You do this thing. “Me-sa thinks she gonna die today.” I’m saying this out of respect for elephants, by the way, because we’re supposed to respect how they live. They don’t fucking cure their diseases. This is not their culture, this is our weird… “Let’s fix it! Oh, he’s sick!” That’s not how elephants live! An elephant in the Serengeti isn’t like, “I have a lump, I have to see my oncologist.” When an elephant gets cancer, he falls over and takes his fuckin’ turn and becomes food. You don’t put an elephant in a state-of-the-art… [Imitates beeping] What if you find cancer? What, are you going to give them chemotherapy? Think a skinny elephant with a pink baseball hat. [Laughter and applause] [Labored breathing] “Each day is a gift.” [Laughter] I love animals, I do… I do. We have a weird relationship to animals… We name them and we play with them, and we kill them and we eat them, and we stuff them. And we draw them. I have a dog… I love my dog, but I don’t know my dog. We’ve never had a conversation, not one time. I talk and she just hears… [Gibberish] [Gibberish] She looks at me, I’m like, “Yes!” She’s like, “What, you don’t know what the fuck I’m think…” “Fuck you”… I don’t know this bitch, I have no idea what she’s thinking. I really wish I did, I wish I knew what she was thinking, it’s my biggest wish, maybe, in life, is that I knew, ’cause I know she has thoughts. I know she does. There’s no way she’s just like, “Dog.” There’s stuff going on in here. I’ve seen it. You ever watch your dog make a decision? You ever d… watch your dog just walk in the room and then look around, like… “I’m going to go over here.” Why?! Please tell me why! I think my dog thinks I’m insane because I look at my life through her… through her eyes, like, I’ll watch TV for four hours, and from my dog’s point of view, I’m just sitting there. [Sustained laughter, scattered applause] [Exaggerated laughing] “What… the fuck is he laughing, what happened?” My dog is my life now because my kids are grown up, my kids are in college and they’re all, you know… I’m an empty nester. That’s what you call it when your kids are gone… ’cause they grow up, not if they’re dead. It’s not used that way. “My daughter died of leukemia.” “Hey, you’re an empty nester!” [Laughter] I miss it, I miss having little kids. I think about it all the time, I think about it… Maybe adopting, you know, I could adopt a baby from a Third World country. That’s a good thing to do because you can just leave ’em outside, you don’t have to… [Laughter] You know, it’s interesting… We’ve been adopting babies from other countries in America for a long time. You know, other countries do it too, but I live here, so I’ll talk about that, but… It’s an interesting thing. It’s not a biological imperative to go get a baby from thousands of miles away, but we’ve been doing that in large numbers here for a long time, and not always for the same reasons. There’s been different reasons why we’ve done it. In the early, like, in the ’70s, when I grew up, sometimes you’d meet a couple who had an African baby that they brought because there are those kind of, you know, these kinds of people, you know, the kind of couples that hold hands when they announce things. You know those kind of people? They gather their friends and they’re like, “We’ve decided”… You know those…? They have a farm table with a clay pot of honey on it. And their apple juice is cloudy. You know what I’m talking about? Those are the kind of people that make a trip to Zimbabwe and get a baby and name him Kevin and send him to Boston College, whatever. That was like the ’70s and ’80s; then in the ’90s, it became very popular with gay couples, started to adopt babies from China because they want to have a baby, but they can’t… They both have dicks. I don’t know if you know that. Did you know that? Gay couples have two dicks, so they can’t make a baby. You can try. You can… This is really fuckin’… You could… [Laughs] You could try to cum into one dick with the other, like, if you line up to dick holes and you could cum, and the sperm goes up this dick and down that one. And then this sperm gets to the balls and he… and they’re like, “What the fuck? Where…?” “Did we turn around? ‘Cause we’re in the balls again.” Whose balls are these?! These aren’t even his balls! Oh, he’s gay. Fuck. All right. Okay, all right. “Well, just swim around until we’re dead.” It’s just the way it is, you’re not going to… A baby will never come out of a penis. Which is good. It’s a good thing. Because it’s hard for women. Imagine pushing a whole baby out of your penis, dickhole. Even just the hand. Yeah. Anyway, so that’s why gay couples adopt. That’s why. [Cheering and applause] And often from China, because they make a lot of stuff there. Uh… [Laughter] So that was that, that was… The gay couples were adopting Chinese babies because they couldn’t have babies, and then… and then a lot of other couples started doing it more around the turn of the century. I used to live in Hollywood, which is a pretty awful place, and everybody there gets Chinese babies. It’s very popular. They go… because… And it’s not because they can’t have babies, and it’s not because they’re trying to help somebody from far away; it’s because they’re just busy; they’re busy… They want to have a baby, but they don’t want to have a baby. You know what I mean? That thing where you can’t have your baby and eat it too, or what… I don’t know how… They want to get pregnant is the point, so they go to China… They don’t even go to China, they go to the airport and somebody from China meets them, gives them a baby… it’s true. They just take it home and then they get a Jamaican nanny to watch their Chinese baby, and they go to cocktail parties. “We have this Chinese baby, it’s amazing.” And meanwhile, the Chinese baby and the Jamaican nanny are just alone, looking at each other like, “What are we doing? What is…? What is this?” Why can’t either of us see our families? Why…? “What the fuck is the point of this?” So, yeah, my dog, I got a dog, my kids are, eh, and I just sit around and watch, uh, watch YouTube a lot… That’s my favorite… pastime. Um… I was watching YouTube today; I was watching one of the ads that comes on before the video I wa… I don’t skip those. I think that’s rude. It is. It’s mean. Somebody worked hard on that ad. They trained a cheetah to run alongside a Jeep Cherokee. And you’re at home like, “Three, two, one… fuck off.” [Laughter] Fucking mean… what if you made something, dick? Anyway, the ad was a PSA. It was a, uh, anti-smoking message. It was a Puerto Rican man with a hole in his throat, he was like… [Imitating electrolarynx] “My father smoked. And my mother smoked. I wish I never smoked in my life. Please don’t smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes are very, very bad for you.” First thought I had was, why does he still have an accent? [Laughter] It’s coming out… Feels like if you bypass the mouth… You shouldn’t have an accident anymore. Does the machine have a setting for “Puerto Rican”? Is that just how air sounds coming out of this guy? Does he fart with an accent? [Imitates flatulence] “Senor, I’m farting!” Anyway, after the ad, I watched the video that I was looking for, which was a scene from a movie, and it’s a scene that I really hate… Every time I see it, it makes me angry, which is why I was looking for it on YouTube. And it’s a movie I like… I actually like the movie. It’s called Good Will Hunting, remember Good Will Hunting? [Cheering and applause] Of course, right? Matt Damon played… A great performance. He plays a very complicated young man w-wearing a tight T-shirt for a whole movie. And here’s the thing… Here’s my issue with Good Will Hunting… Matt Damon also wrote the movie. Okay? So he basically sat down, he’s like, “First of all, I am amazing.” [Laughter] “I’m a construction worker, I’m, like, working-class, and I drink beer and I get in fights, I get into so many fights. My friends are like, ‘You’re out of control, man, ‘ and I’m like, ‘Shut up this is the way I am.’ But then also, I’m a genius. Ooh! I’m not… I didn’t even go to school, I just know things, I don’t know why… I just know them. And all the nerdy geniuses that studied for years are like, “‘He’s so much smarter than us, it’s making it upset’.” It’s insane! It’s fucking insane. It only makes sense if he wrote it for himself to be the guy. So the scene I was looking for, it’s the worst example of that in the movie. Here’s what happens. He goes to a bar and he meets a woman and he likes her. And another guy likes her too. But she picks Matt Damon… because he wrote the fucking movie! Because he decided, you understand?! “She doesn’t like him, she likes me, you better believe it!” [Laughter] So he gets her phone number and then he goes outside and he sees the other guy in the window of a restaurant, and he decides to taunt him, so he goes over… He tells his friends, “Hey, come here, watch this.” And he says to the guy, “Hey, do you like apples?” [Laughter] And the guy says, “Yes.” And Matt Damon goes, “Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?” And all Matt Damon’s friends go, “Oh-ho!” Ho-ho! This was amazing! Oh! Oh-ho, my God! Oh, my God! You were ready with that! “How?!” You know how he did it? He wrote the whole fucking movie, okay?! He made everybody say all the things. Otherwise, this doesn’t happen. I mean, he hinges the whole fucking prank on the guy likin’ apples; the guy must like apples. Who the fuck… Who would say “yes”… to, “Do you like apples?”… Coming from a clear antagonist… who’s setting him up… Gathered his friends. “Do you… Ha, wait, guys watch this… Do you like apples?” [Sighs] God damn it, I do. I wish I didn’t. ‘Cause I can tell this is not going to go my way. But I just… I can’t lie. They’ll know it. They’ll know it’s because, boy, do I like apples. Do you understand if he says “no,” Matt Damon is fucked. He’s fucked in the face for life. He’s got nothin’! “Do you like apples?” “No.” “D…” [Stammers] [Laughter] “What…” Dude. Fuckin’ guy. No, come on, seriously. Seriously, you fuckin’… Don’t fuckin’… Don’t fuckin’… [Labored breathing] Do… do… do… Do you like bananas? Do… ’cause I thought… ’cause the woman gave me her telephone number, and isn’t that bananas? [Laughter] I saw a guy… I saw a guy peeling a banana the other day. It’s another banana joked, because… Did you hear the other one ended with “banana”? Banana… I got three banana jokes, by the way. This is number two. Okay. I saw a guy peeling a banana on Sixth Avenue, and it bothered me. I’ll tell you why, because it’s the way he… When I peel a banana, I hold around here, I peel down to my hand, right? This guy holds the banana at the bottom. And he just peels the whole thing all the way down. It felt like a guy at a urinal pulling his pants all the way to his ankles. I was like, “Dude, TMI with that banana right now. What are you making a smoothie on Sixth Avenue? What are you doing?” The banana was like, “Hey!” You don’t even know how much you’re going to eat. “I have a bruise right here.” Kind of got lost in the banana shame there. You wanna hear the other banana one now? [Cheering and applause] All right. Okay, so… I was at the grocery store… and I needed bananas. So I go over to where the bananas are, and there’s a Black woman at the bananas. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, I swear. [Applause] I understand. White people are very scared of discussing bananas and Black people in the same conversation. I understand… if I have a Black friend over, I would never offer him a banana. I just, I don’t know why, I just wouldn’t do it. “Hey, you want a banana?” “Why the fuck you asking me?” “Hey, man, sorry, you have an apple? I’m really sorry.” These are just the facts of the case. All right? I was in a store, looking for bananas and there’s a Black woman in the bananas, and I wanted to… I didn’t want to go there while she’s there because of COVID. We’re all giving each other space. So I… I… But I do want to be next. So I’m waiting. And she’s kind of takin’ a long time. And the longer she takes, the longer I’m a white man watching a Black woman choose bananas. And this is an awful thing about the world today, because I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but I feel fucking bad. I feel fucking bad. So I went to the strawberries. [Chuckles] And there’s a f*ckin’ Jew at the strawberries. [Laughter and applause] “Here’s a nice one!” [Laughs, clears throat] That’s the Jew. I’m not going to do the Black woman. No, not… you know why? Because I’m not afraid of Jews. That’s really… That’s the bottom line. I’m not scared of Jews. I don’t find Jews to be frightening… unless you’re in Palestine, then they’re terrifying. It’s very different. Over there, they’re like, “The Jews are killing us!” And here, we’re like, “Really? The Jews?” [Laughter] “We’ve been slapping them around for years.” Anyway. “This banana’s too hard!” [Laughter and applause] “Well, this banana’s soft, but I’m not gon’ have it till Tuesday, so… I’m gonna buy the hard one and wait.” Just trying to be fair. Just trying to be fair to the Jews. “Lawd, have mercy.” Anyway… [Cheering and applause] Don’t worry, I’m an old man, I’ll be gone very soon. I worry about getting old only ’cause I don’t want to lose my memory, you know? I mean, some of it I would love to lose. [Laughter] But it doesn’t work that way. You got to take it all or none, I guess. But I lose… I forget things, you know, like, remember Fonzie from Happy Days? I don’t remember him. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I forget weird things, you know? Like I was walking down the street once in New York and there was a guy in a van and he roll down the window and he said, “Hey, get in the van and suck my d*ck.” And I said, “All right,” you know, so… I got in the van and, you know, I was trying to pull the door, the sliding door, but it kept… and he’s like, “It just shuts, don’t… You don’t have to… I was like, “Sorry.” He’s like, “Everybody does that, it’s okay.” So I’m kneeling on the floor of the van on like a purse, and there’s no lady in there, but I’m like, “I came here to suck this guy’s d*ck, not, like, take inventory. I should just get to work,” so I started suckin’ his d*ck, and about halfway through… I’m guessing… I remembered… that, I don’t really like doing that. [Laughter] So, senior moment. [Laughter] Some people worry about getting old because they think it means that they’re dying, which it does. But this doesn’t worry me… I don’t worry about dying because I think it’s necessary. I think it’s something that you just have to do. You should do it. It’s… when it’s your turn, you should do it. If somebody you know, your doctor says you’re dying, just say, “Okay,” and die… Don’t, you know, “May be a miracle?” Fuck you, get in the ground, just take your turn. I really think that way now… I didn’t used to, but I do, because I… You know when I started thinking that way was when my mom died. My mom died a couple of years ago of anorexia. She was 300 pounds. She was bad at it. [Laughter] I know it’s fucked up, right? [Laughter] Hmm. What a piece of shit. Anyway… She would have liked that joke. She would have! My mom, fuckin’, she was gross. And I remember when she was dying, I was… I was alone with her, and the nurse said, “This is… this is imminent.” I was like, “What does that mean?” She goes, “It’s… she’s going to die in a minute.” I’m like, “Just say, ‘in a minute’. It’s so close.” Anyway, I was alone with her and she died, and I was like, “Fuck, they’re going to think I did it, obviously.” I didn’t want to lose my mom, I really didn’t, but I… but we had this one conversation, like, two weeks before she died, when we were… We were talking about it and I said, “Mom, I don’t want you to die.” And she said, “You’ll get over it.” That’s what she said! And I did. But in the moment, I wasn’t willing to accept it, I was like, “I don’t want you to go,” she said, “But we’re going in order.” Do you understand? This makes sense. I’m your mother,” I’m like, “Mom, stop talking like that. This is sad,” she goes, “No, it’s not. Look at it this way, would… Do you want me to never die?” I was like, “No, I don’t want that at all.” And it helped me get in touch with an important idea, which is that dying is important, it’s every generation’s greatest contribution to history is that they die. It’s the only thing that keeps things moving; it’s the only reason there’s any progress in the human race is that folks keep fucking dying. Every generation has had a mix of douche bags and amazing people and boring, great, good, whatever, but they’re all fucking dead. Every fuckin’ one. Thank God, they’re all fucking dead. There’s a limit to how much any of the good ones did, and the shitty ones got to stop being shitty. It’s a great system. Now, when you look at the Internet and all these people, you’re like, “What the fuck is happening?” They’… it’s okay. They’re all going! Every th… All of them are going to die. I mean, you don’t want to die. [Cheers and applause] You don’t want to die, you don’t want your loved ones to die, but that’s a selfish wish when you think about what would happen if nobody died… What kind of world would this be if there was no… Nobody d… If we still had people here from the 1100s? It’s hard enough having people here from the ’50s! “Sir, just scan the code on the table, there’s no menu.” “What?! I don’t understand!” Jesus Christ! You want to go through that with Pontius Pilate and Charlemagne? [Laughter] Fucking pain in the ass. Fucking old people that don’t want to fucking, just, when you get older and you start going, “Everything’s so crazy now”… No, it’s fine, just get the fuck out. It’s great. They’re not going to make it work for you, you’re here for 10 more minutes, just get the fuck out. If you’re in an airport and you’re looking at the toilet and you’re like, “I don’t understand how this works,” it’s time for you to die, that’s what that means. These toilets are for the next people, get the fuck out. That’s the way I look at my life now. I had some good, I had some bad, but I’m done. I mean, I’m… I’ll hang around ’cause I’m curious. But I’m so interested in the way things are going, I really am, it’s such an interesting time, such a… we’re on a hinge, it’s such a cool thing to experience that. I’m excited about a lot of what’s coming, there’s things that are hard now, but that’s the way it is. Things are going to get… I think it’s exciting what’s happening; I think young people today have some great ideas. They’re being a little cunty about some of them, but the ideas are good. The ideas are good. Like, when I was growing up, we had two genders… Male and female. Now you have all these expansion teams. I think it’s very exciting. It is! And the best idea is this gender fluid thing. This is a great fucking idea. Gender fluid, the idea, the way I barely understand it, is that you… you just… Something in the middle. It’s like a fretless bass. You don’t have to be… The specific pictures… What a dumb way to do it. “These are the kinds of people you can be, which one are you?” “I don’t feel like any of those people.” “Then you’re a failure. You have to fi… Start acting like these people so we know what to call you.” Why?! Just make it a… It’s just a… pbbt, What, just… A la carte, “I like d*cks, I don’t like balls, I’m a… this and… moving through it, changing when it feels like it.” I wish… what I’m saying is I wish we had that when I was a kid, because I think our generation got hurt by the rigidity of identities and how you had to just stick to them. You didn’t pick one right away. You’re eight years old, “What are you?” “I’m a… I’m a boy.” “What do you like?” “Uh, girls… Vaginas! Love vaginas!” I’m eight years old, I never saw one, but I’m committing my life to them right now. I don’t even get to smell one for a second! Just a sniff! [Sniffs] “All right, what else you got?” [Laughter and applause] Ten years old, “Are you gay?” “No, no, no, I hate d*cks, hate ’em.” What do I know? I didn’t even get to fidget with one for a minute! [Laughter] “This banana’s too hard!” [Laughter and applause] I’m not saying I wish I could have blown all my friends to see what it’s like. But on 4th of July, there were fireworks, I was with Matt, there was a feeling… I don’t know what could have happened. I have no idea… Because we were so scared. We were so… We were afraid to seem gay when I was a kid, ’cause in the ’70s, the stereotypes showed you what everybody is like. [Deep voice] Men are like this. [Falsetto] And then the women have to act like this, and then gay people are like… they’re just tired. That was gay people in the ’70s. “I’m gay. Help, I’m gay, I can’t even do anything.” That’s what gay men were in the ’70s. You ever meet a gay person? You don’t fuck with gay people, not today. They’re all athletes, first of all. And they… they got their shit together. They’re fucking… their motherfuckers, gay people. Your landlord’s gay. They’re billionaires! They own Apple. They’re in the cabinet, they’re in the Navy. They’re… they’re… they’re cowboys and Indians and construction workers. Gay men are men. You ever go in a gay-owned business? He’s like, “Can I help you?” Like, the gay’s in there, but he’s fucking tough now. “This is my store, motherfucker, what do you want?” Gay men are men now. They’re… they’re fathers, they’re husbands, they’re men. Today’s heterosexual men are f*ggots. I don’t know how that happened! [Cheering and applause] And I… but they’re f*gs! [Cheering and applause] I’m saying that with love and as an old man on his way out the door, but they’re fucking f*gs! They’re intelligent and they’re evolved, but they’re f*gs, with the pajama shorts?! And the… just pale, almost blue. “Mm, my wife got a promotion today.” Oh, good for you, f*ggot. I’m so happy. I am! I’m happy for him! Sounds like a good… They have a good life together. But it takes some getting used to for me… When I see a progressive young couple, I always want to stop them and ask her, “Is that turning you on? Please tell me, is that sexy?” He… with the Tin Man’s hand pipe, just… Strawberry smoke. “Pbbt!” She’s like, Well, he’s very intelligent “and he’s conscientious”… But does he make your p*ssy wet? “Fuck, no, he’s a f*g. But I love him.” And again, great, it’s another kind of dude, “f*ggy straight dude,” it’s another kind of guy. Welcome! We should have all of it, the whole spectrum, the whole alphabet, all of it. But somebody does have to be just a straight fucking. You have to have that. It doesn’t have to be the most important, but you do need it because it’s where it all fuckin’ comes from. Until they figure out some other shit, this is where life still starts. If… if you want to eat local and organic, you got to respect that someone’s got to have a hard d*ck f*cking a p*ssy. That’s… that’s where every trans, every gay person, came from… two boring straight people f*cking. I mean, that’s just… for now, it’s… someone needs… You could… With an original d*ck, not a turned-inside-out p*ssy wrapped in thigh flesh… Which is wonderful! Wonderful! You got to respect that! You do! Somebody who wants to be themselves so bad they rip their balls off… That takes balls to do that. It does! Fuckin’ respect! But someone’s got to have a factory d*ck with matching numbers, fucking a wet, farm-raised p*ssy. [Laughter and applause] Thank you very much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hannah-gadsby-gender-agenda-transcript/ | Hannah Gadsby: Gender Agenda (2024) | Transcript | hannah gadsby | Available on Netflix from March 5, 2024 * * * [upbeat music playing] [crowd cheering] [announcer] Put your hands together for your peerless host, Hannah Gadsby! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music continues] Hello! [music ends] Hello, thank you! Thank you very much. [Hannah giggles] Well, my work here is done. Thank you. Thank you so much, London, you beautiful potatoes. Look at you all. Big fan. Hello, Alexandra Palace. Allie Pallie! [crowd cheers] The last time Netflix brought this many trans people together was for a protest, so… Progress. Progress. Which is kind of why we’re here. There is a foundation myth to this evening. We all love a founding myth. So I’ll bring you in, bring you into the loop. A few years back, Netflix released an incredibly transphobic comedy special from one of their pet “edgelords,” and… There was a bit of a brouhaha that followed. A big, big, big, big brouhouhaha. And look, to be honest, I didn’t get involved to begin with. I… I… And I’m not… I’m not proud of this, but I’m a bit of a cultural cuck, you know? I’m just like, “Oh no, you go ahead. I’ll be over here… watching.” But then my name got brought into the conversation, so I’m like, “Oh fuck.” So… Look, what I did was I penned a very strongly worded letter… um, and I addressed it to, uh, Netflix. It’s called biting the hand that feeds you, I believe. Or punching up with your teeth, which you don’t normally get to do twice, but I have a good dentist, so there we go. Here we are. So, look, I won’t lie. I came a bit strong out of the gate. I addressed it directly to my Netflix daddy. I call him my Netflix daddy because Netflix is like a family. Once you’re in the fold, it really is. It does feel like a family, a very big family. And like most families, they don’t really like their queer kids. I addressed it directly to my Netflix daddy and I said, “Fuck you, Ted.” It’s a bit harsh, isn’t it? But in my defense, I’m a Capricorn with a Piscean moon… and a Cancer rising. Which directly translates to autistic. So I… I don’t always get the tone right. In that letter, I made various points. One of them is, I called Netflix an amoral algorithm cult, which… I stand by. And then I mentioned in passing, it was just a throwaway mention, that I did shits with more backbone than Ted. Now… Yeah. You’re encouraging me now, but, you know, I just… It probably wasn’t the right tone. But again, in my defense, in my head, it was playful. In my head, I saw a jaunty little turd, you know? With impossibly good posture, possibly a top hat, you know? Pure whimsy. From my side, pure… Did not translate. Um… I finished the strongly worded letter and then I posted it to Instagram. Ooh. Like… Like, it wasn’t… I didn’t think it would blow up in my face there. ‘Cause, like, I didn’t phone him directly. I didn’t rock up to his house. I wasn’t challenging him to a duel. Do you know what I… Like… I didn’t even post it to Twitter. Do you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Twitter. Twitter. Twitter. Twitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will deadname that chum bucket. Now I… [audience laughing and cheering loudly] [Hannah laughing] It was just Instagram, but the Russian media picked it up and ran it. I didn’t read it. Then something marvelous happened. Somebody translated the Russian news story back into English. And my original words did not survive that loop. I no longer did shits with more “backbone.” I shit… with more “tenacity.” It’s a very different image, I think you’ll agree. Like, it’s… It’s no longer this, is it? That is explosive diarrhea as a bragging point. And it does very much sound like I was challenging him to a duel. The other incredible thing that came out of that brouhaha was this evening. That’s… [crowd cheering] Yes. Netflix agreed to work with us to build this evening of a whole bunch of fabulous and diverse genderqueer performers for this evening, and I am incredibly excited to bring this to you. It won’t fix it. It’s not enough. Just one night, like… You know, come on, you don’t raze the Amazon and plant a tree. Like, this is the carbon offset show, you know what I mean? Like… This evening we’ve got a whole range of comics from all around the world, all sorts of different styles. It is a smorgasbord, and I am so excited to share them all with you this evening. Are you ready for that, Allie Pallie? [crowd cheering loudly] Yes, you are! This first act has come all the way from the other side of the pond, but as an Australian, I’m not that impressed. But they’ve still made more of an effort than you, so that’s… Please make welcome Jes Tom! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [music ends] Oh my God, what’s up, London? How are you feeling? Wow. Wow, my name is Jes Tom. I’m trans. Can you tell? Don’t answer that! That was a test, you’re passing. Am I? Stupid. I am about to hit four years on testosterone, which explains why… [crowd whooping] Which explains why I have the mustache of a school bully. I started testosterone right before the pandemic, so it was a long, long time of being alone in my room, just staring at my one neck hair. I’ve been thinking lately, like, what if I never grow a beard, just one long hair that grows longer and longer? You can see it from the back of the room. Something that happens when you’re on testosterone is you get very horny. Which is funny because I already thought before that I was already horny enough. But I shattered that glass ceiling. I did. I did. You can clap for that. [crowd cheering] [Jes] Mm. Mm. Lesserknown fact about testosterone is that testosterone can change people’s sexual orientation, because sometimes God likes to play a trick. So after an entire lifetime of being a practicing lesbian, for the first time ever, I find myself attracted to men. [crowd] Ooh. [shudders] I love how no matter who’s in the audience, gay, straight, bi, cis, trans, everyone’s like, “Oh, that’s bad.” Everyone’s like, “Are you okay?” It is crazy going from being a lesbian to being attracted to men. I do feel testosterone flipped a switch in my brain, because before, men just looked like big rectangles to me. And now I think rectangles are really sexy. So I’m in this interesting moment in my life, coming into my sexual peak, both as a 16yearold boy and a 30yearold woman. I’m in my DTF era, that’s “Dyke To Fag.” Yeah. People taking a second to decide which part of that it’s okay to laugh at. And I’m learning a lot. You know, lesbians and gay men are extremely culturally different. Like, gay men love musicals, lesbians love trauma. And ne’er the twain shall meet. I have to learn a lot. I have to learn to be gayman hot, and it’s hard. It’s hard. Okay, are there gay men in this room? Oh my God. Not enough for you to be safe to cheer. It’s very hard to be gayman hot. It’s much harder to be gayman hot than it is to be lesbian hot. I’m not saying lesbians aren’t hot. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying lesbians are more open-minded. Yeah, you know, like as a lesbian, the hottest thing I can do is know my time and place of birth. Maybe have played piano as a child, really worked out that… muscle memory. To be gayman hot, you have to be a cisgender man also on testosterone. I’m like, “Doesn’t anyone want to see my charts?” “Doesn’t anyone care I’m a Capricorn stellium in the 10th house of the public eye?” “That used to mean something where I came from.” Those credits do not transfer over. I’m learning that sexting with men is very different from sexting with women. And if it’s weird to you that I, a nonbinary person, am doing these “men are like this, women are like this” type jokes, just assume everything I’m about to say is wrong. Okay. That being said, sexting with women, it’s a craft. It’s got three-act structure. It’s Aristotelian, it’s got narrative development, it’s got character arc. We grow in the same direction. We’re different afterwards. We’ve changed together. It’s beautiful. Sexting with men is like a child’s flashcard with a picture of an apple that says “apple” underneath. But instead of an apple, it’s a dick, and not like… not like a nice, clear dick, like a dark room, backlit, with the pilly sweatpants and the flash. Men can’t read, is what I’m saying. They cannot read. [chuckles] I’m learning gender is very arbitrary. It’s based on arbitrary things I do. Like, um, I’m a man if I wear a hat, I’m a woman if I order a hibiscus iced tea. I get in these awkward situations. Using the public restroom is a mess. I have to do all this gender math. What am I wearing on my head? What did I order at the cafe? Controversial statement, I still prefer to use the women’s restroom because I’m not an animal. You know? I’m not… I’m not… I’m not a beast. I’m not a creature. I don’t wanna go in the men’s restroom and use that haunted stall in the back. I don’t need to know what those walls have seen. Like, that’s not part of my journey. I prefer to use the women’s restroom, and what I do is… I do still wear a mask in public a lot because I care about public health and I’m sick of people falling in love with me everywhere I go. It’s a burden. You wouldn’t understand. And recently I was at a movie premiere, brag, and… I was not in the movie. My job right now is to show up places where more famous people are and be like, “And me!” “Hannah Gadsby…” So I was at this movie premiere. I went to use the women’s restroom, and a security guard steps in front of me and goes, “Excuse me.” “This is the girls’ room.” And I was like, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I did not realize you were an ally.” “Oh, I had no idea.” “Some cops are good…” No, I’m just kidding. Can you imagine? Do you ever get policed so hard your identity gets affirmed? Pretty interesting. Guys, I’m Jes Tom. Thank you so much. You’ve been amazing. Thank you. [crowd cheering loudly] Jes Tom! Yes! [crowd cheering] Okay, the next performer, I’m fairly certain most of you know her. She’s a powerhouse of talent, but it is my hope that a lot more people will know her and love her. She’s incredible. Chloe Petts! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [music ends] Hello! How’s everyone doing? Yes! Oh my gosh, it’s so lovely to be here. My name is Chloe. I’m extraordinarily gay. Thank you, and whoever cheered, fantastic. The rest of you homophobes, that’s fine. Where are all my gays at? A worryingly strong contingent. Where are my straights at? No, you sound much more ashamed. Correct. No, I love having straight people in. Welcome, so nice to have you here. I like to… Well, it’s nice to be able to sort of share our culture with you guys. Teach you some lingo. My lingo, very simple. I’m a masculine lesbian, very easy for you to understand. All that means is that I get myself into sort of socially awkward situations. For example, I went into a hotel. The hotel assistant said, “How can I help you, sir?” And I said, “Listen, babes.” [chuckles] “Don’t be embarrassed, happens all the time. It’s madam.” And he goes, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, sir.” But I love it. It’s amazing. It’s great because I now get access to an amazing little thing, a wonderful little thing called male privilege. It’s good shit, isn’t it, sir? It’s lovely. Give me one of them. Come on. Jesus fucking Christ… Returned the fist bump, massive misogynist. No, I now know that I’ve got my own privilege ’cause I get access to the greatest term of endearment in the English language. Cis femme ladies in the room, I’m sorry you’re never gonna experience this. The greatest term of endearment in the English language is this one. Walk into the chicken shop, vendor says, “What can I get for you, boss man?” [crowd cheering] No wonder you boys are fucking confident. I walk out of there feeling like the CEO of my own goddamn life. Sometimes I go to the shop. They go, “What can I get you, boss man?” I go, “Nothing, I’m vegetarian.” “You’ve given me everything I need. Thank you.” I am a vegetarian. Do we have any in? Very proud one at the front. Any vegans? Okay, that’s lovely. There’s probably more, they’re just too weak to cheer. And where are my meat eaters at? Yeah, that’s right. That’s the sound of protein. I… I love you guys. I wish I was one of you, ’cause I am a vegetarian that does eat, uh, meat. What happens is, once every three months, I’ll just have a tiny little bit of meat, just try a tiny little piece of meat, just to see if it tastes nicer than the climate. But this makes people angry, ’cause they want you to be morally consistent. They want you to be one thing, they want to categorize you. So they’ll be like, “You’re not vegetarian then.” “At best, you’re a flexitarian. You’re a flexitarian, Chloe.” What I say to these very angry, belligerent people is this. I spent my late teens, early twenties, trying a penis once a financial quarter. Did not make me straight. It’s the same principle. You wouldn’t go around calling me a homoflexual, would you? I… It’s sort of difficult to know about my gender identity. ‘Cause now that I’ve got male privilege, I worry that I am gonna be accidentally toxic towards women. No, sit down! Sit down! Mate, that was a test, and you fucked it. Big puppy dog vibes over here. No, my gender identity, it’s difficult to know. I’d say the place I feel most comfortable and most myself in all of the world is on the wedding dance floor. That’s ’cause my favorite mode of transport is via knee slide, surrounded by unprecedented levels of cleavage. I just love it. But the world out there’s chaotic. It’s difficult to know who I am. I largely identify as a woman, but it can be confusing. On a wedding dance floor, I know with 100% certainty that I identify as a man with a tie on his head. It’s just who I am. I fucking love weddings so much, particularly straight weddings. They’re so good, because I feel like I become the hero of the straight wedding. And I know technically that should be the bride, but… Something about being the only woman that walks into the space in a men’s suit makes those straighties think you’re the most interesting person they’ve ever met in their life. The women are coming up to you like, “I had a sexual experience with a woman once.” The men walk past like, “I bet she’s got some cracking pale ale recommendations.” It’s not just the adults that get interested in me. It’s the kids too. The kids are the first people to get interested in me. You have that moment at a wedding in the afternoon where all the parents have got absolutely wankered, and the kids are just running around lawlessly. They’re feral, it’s like Lord of the Flies. They’re snorting lines of sherbet. Shots of SunnyD through their eyeballs. They’ve gone absolutely wild. And at that moment, there becomes this power vacuum that any adult can step into if they wish, and become king of the children. It is very easy to become king of the children. They’re easy to impress. Show them Candy Crush on your phone, they are following you around like you’re the Pied Piper. You’ve got this gang of children to do your bidding, to do whatever you like. So I get them to sort of stockpile all the party poppers for later use. You know, hold my beer while I’m doing the Macarena. Sometimes I’ll get them in a minivan to go see Frozen: The Musical so it doesn’t look weird that I’ve gone on my own again. But then they all go to bed, and the next people to get interested in me at the wedding are the straight men, ’cause they’ve seen the fun the kids are having and they want in on the action. Because, you know, what are men if not children that got big? And then all the straight blokes, they all sort of, like, circle me like a YO! Sushi conveyor belt. And I can pluck off whichever I wish. It’s never a good quality of man. It’s always just, like, some guy called Josh who’s like, “My name’s Josh, my main interests are finance, Bitcoin, and wearing no socks with my trainers and loafers.” And I’ll go, “Hey, Josh, nice to meet you mate, you all right?” And Josh, who’ll be the most boring man you’ve ever met in your life, 100% of the time, he’ll introduce you to his girlfriend who is the most stunning, talented, beautiful woman you’ve ever seen in your life. I’m looking at her like, “Blink twice if you need me to get you out of this.” “There’s a whole community of lesbians that I can take you to.” “It will be an honor and a privilege.” I’m like, “What is it that you even like about Josh?” She’ll be like, “I dunno, he’s sweet. He always remembers my mum’s birthday.” I’ll be like, “The lesbians could do that, and give you an orgasm too. Come with me.” I’ve realized, with much experience at weddings, why the straight men love me so much, and it’s because I’m useful to them during the bouquet throw. We all know the bouquet throw. I’m going to explain it in case there are people with cultural differences. The bouquet throw is the bit where all the unmarried women gather on the wedding dance floor. The bride stands in front of them, her back to them. She’ll throw her bouquet of flowers into the sea of unmarried women. Whichever one catches it first is the next one to be sold off. Obviously, I’m fucking incredible at the bouquet throw. I’m massive, I’ve got a thirst for straight blood. Last year I went to three weddings, I caught five bouquets. I wish you could see it. I let the unmarried women go ahead of me to the dance floor, and they gather, they congregate, and it’s all bristling with tension. They’re going, “I wonder which one of us it’s gonna be.” “I really hope it’s me.” “I’ve been practicing in the garden all year.” And then I’ll stomp on. Prosecco glasses start shaking. Nana starts crying. One of the unmarried women’s going, “You sure you’re in the right category?” [giggling nervously] I’m going, “Yep. Throw my fucking flowers.” The bride will throw the flowers, and all the straight men I’ve befriended will flock around me and lift me like a rugby lineout. You’ve been absolutely amazing. I’m Chloe Petts. Good night, thank you! [crowd cheering loudly] [upbeat music playing] Yeah. Chloe Petts! [music ends] Yes! Indeed! See what I’m talking about? You’re a bit keen, mate. [Hannah snickers] I need you all to know, he’s not a plant. Like, just… keen. Your name… Your name’s not Josh, is it? Yes, yeah, that’s it. [crowd cheering] All right. Next, we have an amazing performer from New York. Understated magnificence. Please get that energy going for Asha Ward! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [music ends] Whoa, what’s up, London? [crowd whooping] This is cool, it’s awesome to be here. [scattered whoops followed by laughter] I’m not going to lie, I got too high before this. So it’s feeling crazy to me. But you guys like weed though, right? You guys smoke weed here. [crowd whooping] I love weed, but I feel like it’s time for me to cut back the amount of weed I’m smoking. ‘Cause I feel like the amount of weed I’m smoking is making me, uh, stupid. The other day, my friend was telling me about their struggle with body dysmorphia, and I was like, “Aw, lucky.” I was like, “Aw, lucky, you could rob a bank with that.” That’s what I said. Apparently, body dysmorphia is not what it sounds like. I thought they were telling me they were a shapeshifter. I was like, “Damn, that’s great news.” No, but I really have cut back the amount of weed I’m smoking. And it’s cool. Like, I’ve had the motivation to do so much more ketamine. I love ketamine. I can’t keep ketamine or PopTarts in the house. Now, instead of saying I’m addicted to something, I’m just saying, “Oh, I can’t keep that in the house.” I knew I was doing too many nose drugs when I started saying shit like, “They need to start making cocaine for plussized people.” I was unemployed for a while, believe it or not. I’d reach the deepest level of unemployment, and that’s when you start making beats on your computer. And then after a while, they start sounding good. It’s wild ’cause I, like, got into music production by way of Four Loko. If you don’t know, that’s an alcohol for people who don’t really care about life or death. You ever get so drunk you open up GarageBand, fuck around, make some shit that sound like Avicii? That’s what I was doing. I had so much free time, it was crazy. I, like, signed up for a kickboxing class. I had to immediately quit. ‘Cause, like, a fully grown man beat my ass. I was like, “Damn, that doesn’t feel legal.” “That feels really illegal.” It’s crazy. I used to work at a pediatric dentistry. What if I was like, “And I was the dentist”? No, just kidding. I worked the front desk, like a normal person. I like to hit my dab pen there. There’s something about getting high and watching kids go to the dentist. It’s like watching a nature documentary. But I knew I wasn’t going to last for very long at that job, ’cause, well, one day I got an email with the subject line “fax machine.” All caps. So I click on it. I’m like, “What could it be?” It’s just one sentence. Uh, “Who got butter in the fax machine?” I’ve yet to confess, but my previous employers know I’m the only one who worked there that’s not afraid to eat crab legs in professional settings. It’s not looking good for me. Before that, I used to teach improv at a Jewish summer camp, which is wild, ’cause I don’t do improv and I’m not Jewish. That’s the power of networking. My dad is also gay, which is very nuanced of me, I know. We’re the only two gay people in the family, so it feels like we’re coworkers. You know? I’ve only dated one man, and when he cheated on me, I pretended to be mad about it. I was like, “You’re gonna be in big trouble, mister.” I’m also just, like, bad at dating in general, because I’m bad at flirting, especially like by text. ‘Cause I’m just so excited that whoever I’m into is also into me. I remember one time I was texting this girl I like. She texted me, told me she wanted to give me head. I was like, “My God, that’s great news.” “I gotta go tell my family.” I’m also, like, bad at giving dating advice, cause I’m crazy. Like one time my friend told me, she was like, “The guy I like hasn’t texted me back, but he’s active on Instagram.” I was like, “Man, that’s crazy.” “Have you tried reaching out to his mother?” “She know where he at.” “Send her ass a DM on Candy Crush.” You know? You know what’s embarrassing that shouldn’t be embarrassing? Taking deep breaths. You ever had somebody walk in on you while you were taking some deep breaths? Especially if they catch you on an exhale. Like, why does it feel like you just saw my butthole? That’s insane. I’ve also been getting drunk more often, but not in the unhealthy way, you know? Like, in the fun way, right? Like, by myself. And it’s wild ’cause I, like, have a dog. I can’t walk the dog while I’m drunk. It’s too much. I start swinging her shit like a purse. She starts barking at people. I start yelling at them too. Like, “Fuck it, who we mad at?” Thank you, my name’s Asha Ward. [crowd cheering] [Hannah] Give it up one more time for Asha Ward! [upbeat music playing] I’m incredibly excited to bring this next performer out. Please welcome to the stage DeAnne Smith! [music ends] Yes. Yes, let’s get straight into it. [scattered whooping] Guys, I think it’s weird that Russians are so antigay. I mean, they invented the concept of a woman inside a woman, inside a woman, inside… I knew you would get it. I didn’t even have to do the hand gestures. Good work! Okay. First joke is out there. This is good. Things are going well. I, uh… [groans] I struggle with anxiety, guys. That’s happening for me all the time. It’s happening in this moment. But I’m also… I don’t want to say that anymore because it sounds so negative. I wanna rebrand it. I don’t wanna say “struggle” anymore. If you have that problem, do what I’m trying to do. From now on, I don’t say, “I struggle with anxiety.” I say, “My mind sparkles with imaginary danger.” It’s powerful, it’s magical, it’s mysterious. And I tend to set the stakes for everything that I do way too high. Like, right now I feel crushed by the responsibility of having a microphone at this moment in history. Anything less than calling for global revolution feels a bit self-indulgent, you know what I mean? Yeah. Okay, we’re all on board. I hope we all agree what that means when I say that. It’s like, what am I going to do, talk about boobs? I got top surgery not that long ago. I am! [crowd cheering] Sure, thank you! And if you don’t know what that means, that means that I used to have boobs, and then through no fault of their own, I got ’em gone. And people like to celebrate that, but I didn’t do a good thing for us collectively. I did a very selfish thing. Right now in this room, we are down one sick rack. I did that to us, you guys, I did that. We need every bit of joy we can get in this world, and I yoinked it… I yoinked it away from us. And for what? I’m not gonna transition. This is it. This is the final form. Just this weird little guy. [crowd whooping] Yeah, sure. All right. All right! [crowd cheering] Don’t… Calm down, lesbians, I… But weird little guy is my gender identity and you must respect it. I’ve been getting they/them’d against my will since 2005, all right? I feel beyond the conversation that’s happening. I’m just trying to have fun with it, but not everybody is. I met somebody that was like, “Hi, I’m Jess. She/her.” Very sincere. And I answered, “DeAnne. Weird little guy.” And then I got to see Jess meltdown. Jess was like, “Weird little guy, okay. Gotta remember it and respect it.” You don’t. We don’t have to respect everything the they/thems are doing, you guys. I’ve made some wild choices. During top surgery, I opted for no nipples. Did you even know you could do that? I stand before you nippleless. Here’s the thing. During the surgery, they come off. They’re off. They’re over there. And then they want to reshape them into “man nipples.” I don’t know what that means. Better paid? What is it… What’s a… Man nipples, they just absolutely dominate a conversation. Like, what… Man nipples. I don’t need man nipples. That’s not the energy. I want my gender to be almost the same exact feeling you get when you look at the word “zucchini” spelled out. I just want you to go… “Is that right?” “It’s kind of cool though. CCH right in the middle.” “Not a lot of things are doing that.” “Maybe it’s Italian.” I… Do me a favor just for a minute. Please just indulge me. All I’m asking is that you think about your own nipples. Just think about your own nipples. And I don’t know your lives. Maybe you came to a comedy show tonight to forget about your nipples, just to be free of the burden, but think about them. They look weird, right? They look weird. They look weird. They’re weird-looking. They look weird. And you don’t need nipples, you guys. You don’t need them. It’s just what the people at Big Nip want you to think, but you don’t… You don’t need… Listen, I like talking about this stuff because I would hope that maybe you would feel a little bit empowered and just remember that your body is your own, you know? In a room this size, there has to be somebody who’s wavering on a haircut or thinking about getting a tattoo or something. I would just say, go ahead and do it, you fucking pussies. I have… I have no nipples right now. Do you understand that? Do you understand that I have zero nipples? No nipples. When I take off my shirt, it looks like I’m just wearing another flesh-colored shirt. Like, it’s weird. It’s weird. You’ll know something’s off, but you might not know what right away. You’ll just be like, “Did you shave your eyebrows?” It has that energy. When I’m cold, you’ll never even know. I could… I have left open the possibility. I could get tattoos later on. Visually, if it needs it, I could get tattoos. My best idea right now is a QR code. Scan it, and it goes to an NFT of my old nipple. Is that fun? It’s just spinning, disembodied. What an incredible image to place in your minds. Okay, before I go, I want to take this opportunity to say, if you don’t believe me about the sick rack, there is photographic evidence. And you can email me… at [email protected]. That’s “sick” with three I’s, and I’m dead serious. Thank you. [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [Hannah] DeAnne Smith! Yeah! [music ends] Absolutely! It… It was a sick rack. I miss it. I’m personally quite excited about the new conversation around gender. I like that there’s a lot more variety of ways to identify, ’cause it felt a bit claustrophobic for me in the past. I still don’t… I still don’t know what… [grumbling] Haven’t picked a team. Um… You know, “genderfluid,” but also… [gags] But, you know? It’s… That’s a me thing. “Nonbinary” works, kind of, in theory, but the term “nonbinary” distresses me. Because to define yourself by something you are not… is the cornerstone of binary thinking. And… If I was to make up a gender for myself, it would be gender surprised. Because it doesn’t matter how people gender me. I get the whole set every day, you know? She/her, he/him, they/them, every day. Do you know? And, like… And none of them offend me, but all of them surprise me. They… It’s… So I’m like, “Okay, no, I’ll have a go.” Every interaction with a stranger is like a tiny gender reveal party for me. I’m just not attached to the bits at all. Like, but also, that goes beyond the sexual bits. All of my bits. I’ve had my tonsils out, I’ve had… I don’t care. I don’t. I’ve never thought of them since. I’ve had my appendix out. My gall bladder, fuck off! Like, it’s… If someone told me tomorrow I have to have my uterus out, don’t care. Throw it on the heap. I’ll hang onto the bottle opener though, ’cause… I get… I get a lot of use out of that. I… I think it’s adorable how so many men are all of a sudden very concerned about women’s sport. That’s… new. That’s real new. Like, the idea that men are transitioning to become women so they can dominate women’s sports. Like, you know, picking up all those amazing perks you get in women’s sports. All those perks! All those perks like… Women get all the perks in women’s… They get kisses and everything. Who… Who wouldn’t want a kiss? Her, apparently. Ungrateful. I think it’s really disingenuous, you know, ’cause in 2012, a horse won Australia’s Sportswoman of the Year. Fucking horse! Don’t worry about chromosomes, that bitch has four legs… and is also a horse! Very excited to bring this next guest out in front of you. All the way from, Portland, Oregon, Mx. Dahlia Belle! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] Thank you. [music ends] Thank you so much. You’re all so kind. I do apologize right up front because I know our time together is very brief this evening, but I am under contractual obligation to let you know that I know the difference between myself and a nontransgender woman. And I’m very careful to always say “nontransgender,” because I’ve been informed that “cisgender” is considered a slur… by people who don’t understand how slurs work. Throughout my life, I have been called a great many things of which I have not been particularly fond. But only a select few have actually qualified as slurs. Like back when I was in school, kids used to call me a butt pirate. And that one’s kind of cute. I’m not mad at it, I’m really not. Although I will admit I do personally prefer “booty bandit” or “bum burglar,” but we can’t all be great writers, now, can we? All the same… All the same, the day an unprovoked gang of n*gger tranny fags hurl bricks at someone while shouting “cisgender,” it will be a slur. Until that day, however, people are just being whiny little bitches about an adjective. [crowd cheering] It’s gonna be all right. It will be okay. And here’s how I know it’s going to be okay, ’cause how would we even know someone isn’t transgender? How? Trans people, we’re not really known for trying to inspect everyone’s genitals. That is strictly a straight people pastime. We… We don’t care. [tittering] All the same, I know how important it is for you to know that I know that hundreds of years from now, assuming we haven’t all killed ourselves off, were someone to dig up my remains for some inexplicable reason, they would be able to determine that I had been born male and lived my life as a woman, because that’s how archaeology works. Also, I’ll be dead. So dysphorian misgendering won’t really matter at that point. But what I know that you might not know is that I intend to be cremated, so none of that shit matters. True story. [tittering] But in the meantime, right here and now in the present tense, I still need you to know that I know I will never ovulate, I will never menstruate, I will never get pregnant, I will never give birth. I just get a vagina with none of the obstacles or inconveniences. [crowd laughing and cheering] It’s fine. That’s fine. I’m fine with it. I’m not trying to do extra labor. I’m an underachiever. But there are people that genuinely do believe that I’m trying to steal the entire concept of womanhood away from them, when in reality, all I actually want to do is take very specific aspects of womanhood off your hands. And as far as I can tell, it’s shit you don’t even want. You know, things like being infantilized, being objectified, dehumanized, and awkwardly propositioned by a man who’s not actually your type, but you are at the peak of a dry spell, and you did leave the house without panties on, just in case. An adequate, by which I mean consenting, man might sweep you off your feet and into the single-occupancy, genderneutral restroom of your preferred brunch establishment, where you can take two bumps of ketamine, a hit of poppers, and make sweet, passionate, romantic love on or against the sink. We’ve all been there. We’ve all been there, but you don’t want to do it and I do. And that’s… That’s the fundamental difference between us. Obviously, factory-default vaginas are the divine gateway of life. Our species could not exist without them. I will never take that away from you, because I don’t want to. And also, there are plenty of things an aftermarket vagina can do that a stock vagina cannot, like destroy the fabric of Western civilization as we know it. Only my pussy does that! Only mine. Only my pussy can murder the little baby Jesus before he even has a chance to start an apocalyptic death cult and ruin the world. That’s miracle pussy. That is how I define good pussy. I do also realize, of course, that that last joke may offend some Christians, and it is very important to me that you know that I don’t care. I have also, however, been informed that it is apparently socially unacceptable to make fun of the shape and/or size of a man’s penis, and that’s going to be a hard one for me to swallow, because… if you’ve ever taken a dick or two, from time to time… And you don’t have to take both dicks at the same time. We can’t all be about that life. But if you do happen to take a dick or two, from time to time you’re going to meet a kind, caring, compassionate man whose dick is trash. Like, in the bedroom. In any other situation, all penises are equal. But in the bedroom, his is… Lousy, bad, no good. But he is still a good man. You might even marry that good fella. And on the other hand, if you take enough dicks, from time to time, you’re going to meet a man with a perfect dick. The dick of legends. The dick your mom told you about. The dick that almost made her leave your father. Don’t worry, we’re all going to split into small groups later to process that information. But for now, I regret to tell you that that delectable specimen of penile perfection is all too often attached to a giant sack of shit. And that, dear friends, brings us to the fundamental difference between a transgender and a nontransgender man. ‘Cause if you meet a kind, caring, compassionate transgender man, he will take you to a store to buy the dick of your choice. As it turns out, that’s what I wanted. That’s what I wanted the whole time. Who knew? Who could’ve guessed? Who could’ve guessed? But here’s the thing, ever since Adam first gaslit Eve into taking the blame… women like myself, we’ve been down on our knees begging God for an emotionally available, financially stable man with modular genitals. Listen, I’m a busy woman. I am very busy. I don’t always have time for a whole 30.48 centimeters. And yes, that is correct. I, an American, took the time to do a metric conversion. For one dick joke. For the viewers at home, that’s 12 inches. Point being, I don’t always have time for all that. I really don’t. Also, I don’t know how the rest of you choose to live your lives, but one of my favorite things in the entire world is pretending to choke on a man’s dick. And my least favorite thing in the entire world is choking on a dick. And with that in mind, I’m going to help everyone here with a penile partner take your relationship to the next level tonight. Here’s what you’re going to do. After the show, what you’re gonna do is, you’re going to look your partner in the eyes… and you’re gonna say, “N*gga…” I do need to warn you, of course, if you or your partner are not Black, this part’s gonna be extremely uncomfortable. But you have to follow my instructions to the letter. So… So you’re going to look your partner in the eyes. You’re gonna say, “N*gga, you got a tiny dick.” Now, if your partner gets all huffy and offended, acts like a little bitch about it, I regret to tell you, you got a tiny-dick n*gga on your hands who probably thinks “cisgender” is a slur. But, on the other hand, if your partner just shrugs it off, doesn’t care at all, that n*gga’s got a giant dick in their soul. You’ve been beautiful, I love you. Good night! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] Mx. Dahlia Belle! [music ends] We’re all learning. We are all learning. When we were putting this evening together, it was very important to me to really get a wide spectrum of voices on stage. Not just gender, but also geography and tone and experience. I really wanted to use this moment to give an opportunity to a new performer, because when you’re genderqueer in the comedy world, stage time is not always safe time. And I’m incredibly excited to bring this next act, uh, onto the stage to share with you. Can we get some energy? Energy from you? [crowd cheering] Please make welcome to the stage the wonderful, the singular Krishna Istha! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [music ends] Oh my God, hi. I’m so excited to be here. This is honestly such a huge opportunity, so if I fuck this up… and you don’t find me funny enough to laugh, that’s cool, don’t worry about it. My personal kink is humiliation, so this is a winwin situation for me. As a trans person, in the past, some people would have said that I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Never really identified with that. Although, if you think about it, we were all once trapped inside a woman’s body. Actually, not all people who give birth are women. That was a test, and you all failed! I’m so disappointed in this room. [tsks] I’ve been on testosterone for 10 years. And one of the side effects of taking testosterone is that you get the sudden urge to try standup comedy. Did you know the confidence you get when you walk through the world as a man is directly proportional to the confidence you need to try standup comedy? Which is probably why so many mediocre white men think they can do it. Someone once told me when I first started standup that it was very important to define myself clearly straight away, so that the audience was open to listening to me. Apparently all this, it can be distracting from the “comedy.” But defining yourself is pretty hard when you’re an Indian-American kinda Australian person living in Britain who’s a transmasculine, nonbinary, bisexual, polyamorous, dyslexic performance artist! [crowd cheering] And there’s nothing more confusing than performance art. I can’t explain performance art in five minutes, but I’ll try! I hope I fail. Humiliation… Mmm. So performance art is on the same spectrum as comedy and sex work. Comedy and performance art are exactly the same, except for one small thing. The intention with comedy is for the audience to laugh. The intention with performance art is for the audience to never laugh ever again. Sex work and performance art are also very similar. Insertion of objects is industry standard. Someone’s always naked. And someone’s always thinking, “When is this going to end?” Speaking of “when this is going to end,” I’m in a relationship. No, he’s really great, he’s really good. He’s also trans, his name is Joseph. Well, he’s Joseph, but also a Mary. He’s from New Zealand, which is cute. But his slang, it’s a bit confusing. For example, he says, “Yeah, nah.” The other day I asked, “Want a cup of tea?” And he said, “Yeah, nah.” “Nah, yeah? Nah.” Sorry, what is it? Is it a yes or no? It’s as confusing as the Indian head nod. Pick a side. Says the nonbinary, bisexual, polyamorous, Libra rising, multihyphenated creative. When my mum and my boyfriend first met, they didn’t get on. We went out for breakfast, and they just wouldn’t make eye contact. They wouldn’t speak to each other unless it was through me. “Krishna, does your friend want water?” “Krishna, does your friend want more water?” “‘Friend’? How many times do I have to tell you?” “She’s my mother.” It was humiliating. They did speak to each other directly once, though, when my mom turned him and asked, “Are you scared of me?” And he went, “Yeah, nah.” “Nah. Should I be scared of you?” And she went… It’s honestly so cute, though, because they’re best friends now. It’s adorable. My mum is actually teaching him how to speak Malayalam, my mother tongue, and the other day he came up to me and said… [speaking Malayalam] Which translates to… [man laughing] The one Malayali got it! It translates to, “I stupid, where is food, bitch?” You’ve been amazing. I’m Krishna Istha, thanks! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [Hannah] Krishna Istha! [music ends] It’s been a pretty special evening, no? That’s it, you’ve got one more act. This stage is about to be commanded. They are not just gender-nonconforming, they are genre-nonconforming. They are pushing the envelope in all the right ways. Please make welcome to the stage… The biggest welcome you can gather yourselves into, for the one and only Alok! [crowd cheering loudly] [upbeat music playing] [music ends] Hi. I’m Alok. And my preferred pronouns are hehe, haha. Some of my best friends identify as members of the cisgender and heterosexual community, and I know that you guys are going through a lot right now. That’s why every morning during my sun salutation, I take a 15-second breath to acknowledge how difficult it must be for straight people to remember how to use they/them pronouns for us. Don’t laugh. It’s one of the biggest issues facing their community. [crowd cheering] I mean, his and her community. I just wanted to begin tonight by shouting out all the transphobic men in the audience. I see you, and your uncomfortability is valid. I understand that I put you in a bit of a dilemma, right? If you find yourself accidentally laughing at one of my jokes tonight, then you’re officially endorsing the transgender agenda. And if you don’t laugh, then you’re kind of affirming my gender. Because women aren’t funny, right? Don’t find me funny? Well, thank you so much. That is so sweet of you. Thoughtful, really. I feel so seen. Laugh, even a chortle, and the sound will automatically activate a rainbow filter on every one of your profile pictures. Masculinity just is not the same anymore. The transgender agenda has gone too far. That’s why, in my home state of Texas… You might have heard of her. …they’re trying to ban books. A conservative legislator made a list of 850 books he felt like were too inappropriate for Texas public schools. He included my book, Beyond the Gender Binary, on the list. So I had no choice but to read the entire list myself. And I was shocked to see that Marie Kondo’s… Spark Joy was not included. I’m just trying to get rid of gender norms. She wants us to get rid of everything! That’s the collapse of civilization as we know it. The more that I read about the gay agenda online, the more alarmed I’m becoming at how much more confident straight people are in our ability as gay people to do anything. “Causing natural disasters.” “Indoctrinating an entire generation.” Girl, that requires a lot of work, and coordination, all right? Like, our community evaporates the moment we have to post a group photo. Because we are arguing, because we only want the photo to be posted that we look best in. All right? How are we supposed to develop a shared plan of attack? In order to create an agenda, we’d have to actually be in touch with one another, and that’s proving to be impossible these days. One of the biggest issues facing gay people is unread emails. We use the number of emails in our inbox as a genderneutral dick-measuring contest to compare how depressed we are. Let’s say that we did schedule a meeting to discuss the gay agenda. None of us would arrive at the same time, because we believe that time is an oppressive social construct. Recently, I’ve been targeted by one of the worst antitrans policies. Baggage weight restrictions at the airport. Twenty-three kg? Are you kidding me? Some dudebro came up with that arbitrary number, and we need to be talking about it. It’s time to bring the body-positive movement to the baggage movement. We are more than a number! There’s plenty of other criteria we could be using here, like how cute the outfits you packed are, or the fact that you managed to fit everything inside the suitcase, which is not a given, it is a triumph. So here I am, pulling up to the airport. “Excuse me, sir.” “Your bag is overweight.” First of all, if you’re not even gonna count my emotional baggage, do you even see me? Because I might be trans, but I’m a water sign first. Which means every interaction with a stranger is an opportunity for me to process my feelings. And I saw a sign here that said, “Check in.” So what the fuck else are we supposed to be doing here, ma’am? Where else am I supposed to put all the pain I have from being alive? My therapist has been encouraging me to speak my truth, so I’m gonna speak it. You’ve been edging me all week. I’ve been ignoring those emails, like “48 hours until checkin.” “Just 12 more hours until you check in.” And I’m sitting at the back of the gay agenda meeting, heavy breathing, like, “Somebody finally cares about my feelings?” And I pull up here only to get JetBlueballed? Are you kidding me? Notice, when everyone else is boarding the plane, we transgenders are still on the floor of the airport, practicing the sacred transgender ritual called repacking… where we seek to make the 78 kg bag transition into 22.473628, by wearing approximately 17 outfits on the plane, because we refuse to compromise our glamour in the face of attempted disappearance. That, my friends, is the transgender agenda. [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] Alok! [music ends] That brings us to the end, Allie Pallie. Have you had a good night? Say thank you to everyone you saw tonight. Jes Tom, Chloe Petts, Asha Ward, Krishna Istha, Mx. Dahlia Belle, DeAnne Smith, and Alok! [crowd cheering loudly] [upbeat music playing] [camera clicking] [music ends] | [crowd cheering] [upbeat music continues] Hello! [music ends] Hello, thank you! Thank you very much. [Hannah giggles] Well, my work here is done. Thank you. Thank you so much, London, you beautiful potatoes. Look at you all. Big fan. Hello, Alexandra Palace. Allie Pallie! [crowd cheers] The last time Netflix brought this many trans people together was for a protest, so… Progress. Progress. Which is kind of why we’re here. There is a foundation myth to this evening. We all love a founding myth. So I’ll bring you in, bring you into the loop. A few years back, Netflix released an incredibly transphobic comedy special from one of their pet “edgelords,” and… There was a bit of a brouhaha that followed. A big, big, big, big brouhouhaha. And look, to be honest, I didn’t get involved to begin with. I… I… And I’m not… I’m not proud of this, but I’m a bit of a cultural cuck, you know? I’m just like, “Oh no, you go ahead. I’ll be over here… watching.” But then my name got brought into the conversation, so I’m like, “Oh fuck.” So… Look, what I did was I penned a very strongly worded letter… um, and I addressed it to, uh, Netflix. It’s called biting the hand that feeds you, I believe. Or punching up with your teeth, which you don’t normally get to do twice, but I have a good dentist, so there we go. Here we are. So, look, I won’t lie. I came a bit strong out of the gate. I addressed it directly to my Netflix daddy. I call him my Netflix daddy because Netflix is like a family. Once you’re in the fold, it really is. It does feel like a family, a very big family. And like most families, they don’t really like their queer kids. I addressed it directly to my Netflix daddy and I said, “Fuck you, Ted.” It’s a bit harsh, isn’t it? But in my defense, I’m a Capricorn with a Piscean moon… and a Cancer rising. Which directly translates to autistic. So I… I don’t always get the tone right. In that letter, I made various points. One of them is, I called Netflix an amoral algorithm cult, which… I stand by. And then I mentioned in passing, it was just a throwaway mention, that I did shits with more backbone than Ted. Now… Yeah. You’re encouraging me now, but, you know, I just… It probably wasn’t the right tone. But again, in my defense, in my head, it was playful. In my head, I saw a jaunty little turd, you know? With impossibly good posture, possibly a top hat, you know? Pure whimsy. From my side, pure… Did not translate. Um… I finished the strongly worded letter and then I posted it to Instagram. Ooh. Like… Like, it wasn’t… I didn’t think it would blow up in my face there. ‘Cause, like, I didn’t phone him directly. I didn’t rock up to his house. I wasn’t challenging him to a duel. Do you know what I… Like… I didn’t even post it to Twitter. Do you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Twitter. Twitter. Twitter. Twitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will deadname that chum bucket. Now I… [audience laughing and cheering loudly] [Hannah laughing] It was just Instagram, but the Russian media picked it up and ran it. I didn’t read it. Then something marvelous happened. Somebody translated the Russian news story back into English. And my original words did not survive that loop. I no longer did shits with more “backbone.” I shit… with more “tenacity.” It’s a very different image, I think you’ll agree. Like, it’s… It’s no longer this, is it? That is explosive diarrhea as a bragging point. And it does very much sound like I was challenging him to a duel. The other incredible thing that came out of that brouhaha was this evening. That’s… [crowd cheering] Yes. Netflix agreed to work with us to build this evening of a whole bunch of fabulous and diverse genderqueer performers for this evening, and I am incredibly excited to bring this to you. It won’t fix it. It’s not enough. Just one night, like… You know, come on, you don’t raze the Amazon and plant a tree. Like, this is the carbon offset show, you know what I mean? Like… This evening we’ve got a whole range of comics from all around the world, all sorts of different styles. It is a smorgasbord, and I am so excited to share them all with you this evening. Are you ready for that, Allie Pallie? [crowd cheering loudly] Yes, you are! This first act has come all the way from the other side of the pond, but as an Australian, I’m not that impressed. But they’ve still made more of an effort than you, so that’s… Please make welcome Jes Tom! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [music ends] Oh my God, what’s up, London? How are you feeling? Wow. Wow, my name is Jes Tom. I’m trans. Can you tell? Don’t answer that! That was a test, you’re passing. Am I? Stupid. I am about to hit four years on testosterone, which explains why… [crowd whooping] Which explains why I have the mustache of a school bully. I started testosterone right before the pandemic, so it was a long, long time of being alone in my room, just staring at my one neck hair. I’ve been thinking lately, like, what if I never grow a beard, just one long hair that grows longer and longer? You can see it from the back of the room. Something that happens when you’re on testosterone is you get very horny. Which is funny because I already thought before that I was already horny enough. But I shattered that glass ceiling. I did. I did. You can clap for that. [crowd cheering] [Jes] Mm. Mm. Lesserknown fact about testosterone is that testosterone can change people’s sexual orientation, because sometimes God likes to play a trick. So after an entire lifetime of being a practicing lesbian, for the first time ever, I find myself attracted to men. [crowd] Ooh. [shudders] I love how no matter who’s in the audience, gay, straight, bi, cis, trans, everyone’s like, “Oh, that’s bad.” Everyone’s like, “Are you okay?” It is crazy going from being a lesbian to being attracted to men. I do feel testosterone flipped a switch in my brain, because before, men just looked like big rectangles to me. And now I think rectangles are really sexy. So I’m in this interesting moment in my life, coming into my sexual peak, both as a 16yearold boy and a 30yearold woman. I’m in my DTF era, that’s “Dyke To Fag.” Yeah. People taking a second to decide which part of that it’s okay to laugh at. And I’m learning a lot. You know, lesbians and gay men are extremely culturally different. Like, gay men love musicals, lesbians love trauma. And ne’er the twain shall meet. I have to learn a lot. I have to learn to be gayman hot, and it’s hard. It’s hard. Okay, are there gay men in this room? Oh my God. Not enough for you to be safe to cheer. It’s very hard to be gayman hot. It’s much harder to be gayman hot than it is to be lesbian hot. I’m not saying lesbians aren’t hot. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying lesbians are more open-minded. Yeah, you know, like as a lesbian, the hottest thing I can do is know my time and place of birth. Maybe have played piano as a child, really worked out that… muscle memory. To be gayman hot, you have to be a cisgender man also on testosterone. I’m like, “Doesn’t anyone want to see my charts?” “Doesn’t anyone care I’m a Capricorn stellium in the 10th house of the public eye?” “That used to mean something where I came from.” Those credits do not transfer over. I’m learning that sexting with men is very different from sexting with women. And if it’s weird to you that I, a nonbinary person, am doing these “men are like this, women are like this” type jokes, just assume everything I’m about to say is wrong. Okay. That being said, sexting with women, it’s a craft. It’s got three-act structure. It’s Aristotelian, it’s got narrative development, it’s got character arc. We grow in the same direction. We’re different afterwards. We’ve changed together. It’s beautiful. Sexting with men is like a child’s flashcard with a picture of an apple that says “apple” underneath. But instead of an apple, it’s a dick, and not like… not like a nice, clear dick, like a dark room, backlit, with the pilly sweatpants and the flash. Men can’t read, is what I’m saying. They cannot read. [chuckles] I’m learning gender is very arbitrary. It’s based on arbitrary things I do. Like, um, I’m a man if I wear a hat, I’m a woman if I order a hibiscus iced tea. I get in these awkward situations. Using the public restroom is a mess. I have to do all this gender math. What am I wearing on my head? What did I order at the cafe? Controversial statement, I still prefer to use the women’s restroom because I’m not an animal. You know? I’m not… I’m not… I’m not a beast. I’m not a creature. I don’t wanna go in the men’s restroom and use that haunted stall in the back. I don’t need to know what those walls have seen. Like, that’s not part of my journey. I prefer to use the women’s restroom, and what I do is… I do still wear a mask in public a lot because I care about public health and I’m sick of people falling in love with me everywhere I go. It’s a burden. You wouldn’t understand. And recently I was at a movie premiere, brag, and… I was not in the movie. My job right now is to show up places where more famous people are and be like, “And me!” “Hannah Gadsby…” So I was at this movie premiere. I went to use the women’s restroom, and a security guard steps in front of me and goes, “Excuse me.” “This is the girls’ room.” And I was like, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I did not realize you were an ally.” “Oh, I had no idea.” “Some cops are good…” No, I’m just kidding. Can you imagine? Do you ever get policed so hard your identity gets affirmed? Pretty interesting. Guys, I’m Jes Tom. Thank you so much. You’ve been amazing. Thank you. [crowd cheering loudly] Jes Tom! Yes! [crowd cheering] Okay, the next performer, I’m fairly certain most of you know her. She’s a powerhouse of talent, but it is my hope that a lot more people will know her and love her. She’s incredible. Chloe Petts! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [music ends] Hello! How’s everyone doing? Yes! Oh my gosh, it’s so lovely to be here. My name is Chloe. I’m extraordinarily gay. Thank you, and whoever cheered, fantastic. The rest of you homophobes, that’s fine. Where are all my gays at? A worryingly strong contingent. Where are my straights at? No, you sound much more ashamed. Correct. No, I love having straight people in. Welcome, so nice to have you here. I like to… Well, it’s nice to be able to sort of share our culture with you guys. Teach you some lingo. My lingo, very simple. I’m a masculine lesbian, very easy for you to understand. All that means is that I get myself into sort of socially awkward situations. For example, I went into a hotel. The hotel assistant said, “How can I help you, sir?” And I said, “Listen, babes.” [chuckles] “Don’t be embarrassed, happens all the time. It’s madam.” And he goes, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, sir.” But I love it. It’s amazing. It’s great because I now get access to an amazing little thing, a wonderful little thing called male privilege. It’s good shit, isn’t it, sir? It’s lovely. Give me one of them. Come on. Jesus fucking Christ… Returned the fist bump, massive misogynist. No, I now know that I’ve got my own privilege ’cause I get access to the greatest term of endearment in the English language. Cis femme ladies in the room, I’m sorry you’re never gonna experience this. The greatest term of endearment in the English language is this one. Walk into the chicken shop, vendor says, “What can I get for you, boss man?” [crowd cheering] No wonder you boys are fucking confident. I walk out of there feeling like the CEO of my own goddamn life. Sometimes I go to the shop. They go, “What can I get you, boss man?” I go, “Nothing, I’m vegetarian.” “You’ve given me everything I need. Thank you.” I am a vegetarian. Do we have any in? Very proud one at the front. Any vegans? Okay, that’s lovely. There’s probably more, they’re just too weak to cheer. And where are my meat eaters at? Yeah, that’s right. That’s the sound of protein. I… I love you guys. I wish I was one of you, ’cause I am a vegetarian that does eat, uh, meat. What happens is, once every three months, I’ll just have a tiny little bit of meat, just try a tiny little piece of meat, just to see if it tastes nicer than the climate. But this makes people angry, ’cause they want you to be morally consistent. They want you to be one thing, they want to categorize you. So they’ll be like, “You’re not vegetarian then.” “At best, you’re a flexitarian. You’re a flexitarian, Chloe.” What I say to these very angry, belligerent people is this. I spent my late teens, early twenties, trying a penis once a financial quarter. Did not make me straight. It’s the same principle. You wouldn’t go around calling me a homoflexual, would you? I… It’s sort of difficult to know about my gender identity. ‘Cause now that I’ve got male privilege, I worry that I am gonna be accidentally toxic towards women. No, sit down! Sit down! Mate, that was a test, and you fucked it. Big puppy dog vibes over here. No, my gender identity, it’s difficult to know. I’d say the place I feel most comfortable and most myself in all of the world is on the wedding dance floor. That’s ’cause my favorite mode of transport is via knee slide, surrounded by unprecedented levels of cleavage. I just love it. But the world out there’s chaotic. It’s difficult to know who I am. I largely identify as a woman, but it can be confusing. On a wedding dance floor, I know with 100% certainty that I identify as a man with a tie on his head. It’s just who I am. I fucking love weddings so much, particularly straight weddings. They’re so good, because I feel like I become the hero of the straight wedding. And I know technically that should be the bride, but… Something about being the only woman that walks into the space in a men’s suit makes those straighties think you’re the most interesting person they’ve ever met in their life. The women are coming up to you like, “I had a sexual experience with a woman once.” The men walk past like, “I bet she’s got some cracking pale ale recommendations.” It’s not just the adults that get interested in me. It’s the kids too. The kids are the first people to get interested in me. You have that moment at a wedding in the afternoon where all the parents have got absolutely wankered, and the kids are just running around lawlessly. They’re feral, it’s like Lord of the Flies. They’re snorting lines of sherbet. Shots of SunnyD through their eyeballs. They’ve gone absolutely wild. And at that moment, there becomes this power vacuum that any adult can step into if they wish, and become king of the children. It is very easy to become king of the children. They’re easy to impress. Show them Candy Crush on your phone, they are following you around like you’re the Pied Piper. You’ve got this gang of children to do your bidding, to do whatever you like. So I get them to sort of stockpile all the party poppers for later use. You know, hold my beer while I’m doing the Macarena. Sometimes I’ll get them in a minivan to go see Frozen: The Musical so it doesn’t look weird that I’ve gone on my own again. But then they all go to bed, and the next people to get interested in me at the wedding are the straight men, ’cause they’ve seen the fun the kids are having and they want in on the action. Because, you know, what are men if not children that got big? And then all the straight blokes, they all sort of, like, circle me like a YO! Sushi conveyor belt. And I can pluck off whichever I wish. It’s never a good quality of man. It’s always just, like, some guy called Josh who’s like, “My name’s Josh, my main interests are finance, Bitcoin, and wearing no socks with my trainers and loafers.” And I’ll go, “Hey, Josh, nice to meet you mate, you all right?” And Josh, who’ll be the most boring man you’ve ever met in your life, 100% of the time, he’ll introduce you to his girlfriend who is the most stunning, talented, beautiful woman you’ve ever seen in your life. I’m looking at her like, “Blink twice if you need me to get you out of this.” “There’s a whole community of lesbians that I can take you to.” “It will be an honor and a privilege.” I’m like, “What is it that you even like about Josh?” She’ll be like, “I dunno, he’s sweet. He always remembers my mum’s birthday.” I’ll be like, “The lesbians could do that, and give you an orgasm too. Come with me.” I’ve realized, with much experience at weddings, why the straight men love me so much, and it’s because I’m useful to them during the bouquet throw. We all know the bouquet throw. I’m going to explain it in case there are people with cultural differences. The bouquet throw is the bit where all the unmarried women gather on the wedding dance floor. The bride stands in front of them, her back to them. She’ll throw her bouquet of flowers into the sea of unmarried women. Whichever one catches it first is the next one to be sold off. Obviously, I’m fucking incredible at the bouquet throw. I’m massive, I’ve got a thirst for straight blood. Last year I went to three weddings, I caught five bouquets. I wish you could see it. I let the unmarried women go ahead of me to the dance floor, and they gather, they congregate, and it’s all bristling with tension. They’re going, “I wonder which one of us it’s gonna be.” “I really hope it’s me.” “I’ve been practicing in the garden all year.” And then I’ll stomp on. Prosecco glasses start shaking. Nana starts crying. One of the unmarried women’s going, “You sure you’re in the right category?” [giggling nervously] I’m going, “Yep. Throw my fucking flowers.” The bride will throw the flowers, and all the straight men I’ve befriended will flock around me and lift me like a rugby lineout. You’ve been absolutely amazing. I’m Chloe Petts. Good night, thank you! [crowd cheering loudly] [upbeat music playing] Yeah. Chloe Petts! [music ends] Yes! Indeed! See what I’m talking about? You’re a bit keen, mate. [Hannah snickers] I need you all to know, he’s not a plant. Like, just… keen. Your name… Your name’s not Josh, is it? Yes, yeah, that’s it. [crowd cheering] All right. Next, we have an amazing performer from New York. Understated magnificence. Please get that energy going for Asha Ward! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [music ends] Whoa, what’s up, London? [crowd whooping] This is cool, it’s awesome to be here. [scattered whoops followed by laughter] I’m not going to lie, I got too high before this. So it’s feeling crazy to me. But you guys like weed though, right? You guys smoke weed here. [crowd whooping] I love weed, but I feel like it’s time for me to cut back the amount of weed I’m smoking. ‘Cause I feel like the amount of weed I’m smoking is making me, uh, stupid. The other day, my friend was telling me about their struggle with body dysmorphia, and I was like, “Aw, lucky.” I was like, “Aw, lucky, you could rob a bank with that.” That’s what I said. Apparently, body dysmorphia is not what it sounds like. I thought they were telling me they were a shapeshifter. I was like, “Damn, that’s great news.” No, but I really have cut back the amount of weed I’m smoking. And it’s cool. Like, I’ve had the motivation to do so much more ketamine. I love ketamine. I can’t keep ketamine or PopTarts in the house. Now, instead of saying I’m addicted to something, I’m just saying, “Oh, I can’t keep that in the house.” I knew I was doing too many nose drugs when I started saying shit like, “They need to start making cocaine for plussized people.” I was unemployed for a while, believe it or not. I’d reach the deepest level of unemployment, and that’s when you start making beats on your computer. And then after a while, they start sounding good. It’s wild ’cause I, like, got into music production by way of Four Loko. If you don’t know, that’s an alcohol for people who don’t really care about life or death. You ever get so drunk you open up GarageBand, fuck around, make some shit that sound like Avicii? That’s what I was doing. I had so much free time, it was crazy. I, like, signed up for a kickboxing class. I had to immediately quit. ‘Cause, like, a fully grown man beat my ass. I was like, “Damn, that doesn’t feel legal.” “That feels really illegal.” It’s crazy. I used to work at a pediatric dentistry. What if I was like, “And I was the dentist”? No, just kidding. I worked the front desk, like a normal person. I like to hit my dab pen there. There’s something about getting high and watching kids go to the dentist. It’s like watching a nature documentary. But I knew I wasn’t going to last for very long at that job, ’cause, well, one day I got an email with the subject line “fax machine.” All caps. So I click on it. I’m like, “What could it be?” It’s just one sentence. Uh, “Who got butter in the fax machine?” I’ve yet to confess, but my previous employers know I’m the only one who worked there that’s not afraid to eat crab legs in professional settings. It’s not looking good for me. Before that, I used to teach improv at a Jewish summer camp, which is wild, ’cause I don’t do improv and I’m not Jewish. That’s the power of networking. My dad is also gay, which is very nuanced of me, I know. We’re the only two gay people in the family, so it feels like we’re coworkers. You know? I’ve only dated one man, and when he cheated on me, I pretended to be mad about it. I was like, “You’re gonna be in big trouble, mister.” I’m also just, like, bad at dating in general, because I’m bad at flirting, especially like by text. ‘Cause I’m just so excited that whoever I’m into is also into me. I remember one time I was texting this girl I like. She texted me, told me she wanted to give me head. I was like, “My God, that’s great news.” “I gotta go tell my family.” I’m also, like, bad at giving dating advice, cause I’m crazy. Like one time my friend told me, she was like, “The guy I like hasn’t texted me back, but he’s active on Instagram.” I was like, “Man, that’s crazy.” “Have you tried reaching out to his mother?” “She know where he at.” “Send her ass a DM on Candy Crush.” You know? You know what’s embarrassing that shouldn’t be embarrassing? Taking deep breaths. You ever had somebody walk in on you while you were taking some deep breaths? Especially if they catch you on an exhale. Like, why does it feel like you just saw my butthole? That’s insane. I’ve also been getting drunk more often, but not in the unhealthy way, you know? Like, in the fun way, right? Like, by myself. And it’s wild ’cause I, like, have a dog. I can’t walk the dog while I’m drunk. It’s too much. I start swinging her shit like a purse. She starts barking at people. I start yelling at them too. Like, “Fuck it, who we mad at?” Thank you, my name’s Asha Ward. [crowd cheering] [Hannah] Give it up one more time for Asha Ward! [upbeat music playing] I’m incredibly excited to bring this next performer out. Please welcome to the stage DeAnne Smith! [music ends] Yes. Yes, let’s get straight into it. [scattered whooping] Guys, I think it’s weird that Russians are so antigay. I mean, they invented the concept of a woman inside a woman, inside a woman, inside… I knew you would get it. I didn’t even have to do the hand gestures. Good work! Okay. First joke is out there. This is good. Things are going well. I, uh… [groans] I struggle with anxiety, guys. That’s happening for me all the time. It’s happening in this moment. But I’m also… I don’t want to say that anymore because it sounds so negative. I wanna rebrand it. I don’t wanna say “struggle” anymore. If you have that problem, do what I’m trying to do. From now on, I don’t say, “I struggle with anxiety.” I say, “My mind sparkles with imaginary danger.” It’s powerful, it’s magical, it’s mysterious. And I tend to set the stakes for everything that I do way too high. Like, right now I feel crushed by the responsibility of having a microphone at this moment in history. Anything less than calling for global revolution feels a bit self-indulgent, you know what I mean? Yeah. Okay, we’re all on board. I hope we all agree what that means when I say that. It’s like, what am I going to do, talk about boobs? I got top surgery not that long ago. I am! [crowd cheering] Sure, thank you! And if you don’t know what that means, that means that I used to have boobs, and then through no fault of their own, I got ’em gone. And people like to celebrate that, but I didn’t do a good thing for us collectively. I did a very selfish thing. Right now in this room, we are down one sick rack. I did that to us, you guys, I did that. We need every bit of joy we can get in this world, and I yoinked it… I yoinked it away from us. And for what? I’m not gonna transition. This is it. This is the final form. Just this weird little guy. [crowd whooping] Yeah, sure. All right. All right! [crowd cheering] Don’t… Calm down, lesbians, I… But weird little guy is my gender identity and you must respect it. I’ve been getting they/them’d against my will since 2005, all right? I feel beyond the conversation that’s happening. I’m just trying to have fun with it, but not everybody is. I met somebody that was like, “Hi, I’m Jess. She/her.” Very sincere. And I answered, “DeAnne. Weird little guy.” And then I got to see Jess meltdown. Jess was like, “Weird little guy, okay. Gotta remember it and respect it.” You don’t. We don’t have to respect everything the they/thems are doing, you guys. I’ve made some wild choices. During top surgery, I opted for no nipples. Did you even know you could do that? I stand before you nippleless. Here’s the thing. During the surgery, they come off. They’re off. They’re over there. And then they want to reshape them into “man nipples.” I don’t know what that means. Better paid? What is it… What’s a… Man nipples, they just absolutely dominate a conversation. Like, what… Man nipples. I don’t need man nipples. That’s not the energy. I want my gender to be almost the same exact feeling you get when you look at the word “zucchini” spelled out. I just want you to go… “Is that right?” “It’s kind of cool though. CCH right in the middle.” “Not a lot of things are doing that.” “Maybe it’s Italian.” I… Do me a favor just for a minute. Please just indulge me. All I’m asking is that you think about your own nipples. Just think about your own nipples. And I don’t know your lives. Maybe you came to a comedy show tonight to forget about your nipples, just to be free of the burden, but think about them. They look weird, right? They look weird. They look weird. They’re weird-looking. They look weird. And you don’t need nipples, you guys. You don’t need them. It’s just what the people at Big Nip want you to think, but you don’t… You don’t need… Listen, I like talking about this stuff because I would hope that maybe you would feel a little bit empowered and just remember that your body is your own, you know? In a room this size, there has to be somebody who’s wavering on a haircut or thinking about getting a tattoo or something. I would just say, go ahead and do it, you fucking pussies. I have… I have no nipples right now. Do you understand that? Do you understand that I have zero nipples? No nipples. When I take off my shirt, it looks like I’m just wearing another flesh-colored shirt. Like, it’s weird. It’s weird. You’ll know something’s off, but you might not know what right away. You’ll just be like, “Did you shave your eyebrows?” It has that energy. When I’m cold, you’ll never even know. I could… I have left open the possibility. I could get tattoos later on. Visually, if it needs it, I could get tattoos. My best idea right now is a QR code. Scan it, and it goes to an NFT of my old nipple. Is that fun? It’s just spinning, disembodied. What an incredible image to place in your minds. Okay, before I go, I want to take this opportunity to say, if you don’t believe me about the sick rack, there is photographic evidence. And you can email me… at [email protected]. That’s “sick” with three I’s, and I’m dead serious. Thank you. [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [Hannah] DeAnne Smith! Yeah! [music ends] Absolutely! It… It was a sick rack. I miss it. I’m personally quite excited about the new conversation around gender. I like that there’s a lot more variety of ways to identify, ’cause it felt a bit claustrophobic for me in the past. I still don’t… I still don’t know what… [grumbling] Haven’t picked a team. Um… You know, “genderfluid,” but also… [gags] But, you know? It’s… That’s a me thing. “Nonbinary” works, kind of, in theory, but the term “nonbinary” distresses me. Because to define yourself by something you are not… is the cornerstone of binary thinking. And… If I was to make up a gender for myself, it would be gender surprised. Because it doesn’t matter how people gender me. I get the whole set every day, you know? She/her, he/him, they/them, every day. Do you know? And, like… And none of them offend me, but all of them surprise me. They… It’s… So I’m like, “Okay, no, I’ll have a go.” Every interaction with a stranger is like a tiny gender reveal party for me. I’m just not attached to the bits at all. Like, but also, that goes beyond the sexual bits. All of my bits. I’ve had my tonsils out, I’ve had… I don’t care. I don’t. I’ve never thought of them since. I’ve had my appendix out. My gall bladder, fuck off! Like, it’s… If someone told me tomorrow I have to have my uterus out, don’t care. Throw it on the heap. I’ll hang onto the bottle opener though, ’cause… I get… I get a lot of use out of that. I… I think it’s adorable how so many men are all of a sudden very concerned about women’s sport. That’s… new. That’s real new. Like, the idea that men are transitioning to become women so they can dominate women’s sports. Like, you know, picking up all those amazing perks you get in women’s sports. All those perks! All those perks like… Women get all the perks in women’s… They get kisses and everything. Who… Who wouldn’t want a kiss? Her, apparently. Ungrateful. I think it’s really disingenuous, you know, ’cause in 2012, a horse won Australia’s Sportswoman of the Year. Fucking horse! Don’t worry about chromosomes, that bitch has four legs… and is also a horse! Very excited to bring this next guest out in front of you. All the way from, Portland, Oregon, Mx. Dahlia Belle! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] Thank you. [music ends] Thank you so much. You’re all so kind. I do apologize right up front because I know our time together is very brief this evening, but I am under contractual obligation to let you know that I know the difference between myself and a nontransgender woman. And I’m very careful to always say “nontransgender,” because I’ve been informed that “cisgender” is considered a slur… by people who don’t understand how slurs work. Throughout my life, I have been called a great many things of which I have not been particularly fond. But only a select few have actually qualified as slurs. Like back when I was in school, kids used to call me a butt pirate. And that one’s kind of cute. I’m not mad at it, I’m really not. Although I will admit I do personally prefer “booty bandit” or “bum burglar,” but we can’t all be great writers, now, can we? All the same… All the same, the day an unprovoked gang of n*gger tranny fags hurl bricks at someone while shouting “cisgender,” it will be a slur. Until that day, however, people are just being whiny little bitches about an adjective. [crowd cheering] It’s gonna be all right. It will be okay. And here’s how I know it’s going to be okay, ’cause how would we even know someone isn’t transgender? How? Trans people, we’re not really known for trying to inspect everyone’s genitals. That is strictly a straight people pastime. We… We don’t care. [tittering] All the same, I know how important it is for you to know that I know that hundreds of years from now, assuming we haven’t all killed ourselves off, were someone to dig up my remains for some inexplicable reason, they would be able to determine that I had been born male and lived my life as a woman, because that’s how archaeology works. Also, I’ll be dead. So dysphorian misgendering won’t really matter at that point. But what I know that you might not know is that I intend to be cremated, so none of that shit matters. True story. [tittering] But in the meantime, right here and now in the present tense, I still need you to know that I know I will never ovulate, I will never menstruate, I will never get pregnant, I will never give birth. I just get a vagina with none of the obstacles or inconveniences. [crowd laughing and cheering] It’s fine. That’s fine. I’m fine with it. I’m not trying to do extra labor. I’m an underachiever. But there are people that genuinely do believe that I’m trying to steal the entire concept of womanhood away from them, when in reality, all I actually want to do is take very specific aspects of womanhood off your hands. And as far as I can tell, it’s shit you don’t even want. You know, things like being infantilized, being objectified, dehumanized, and awkwardly propositioned by a man who’s not actually your type, but you are at the peak of a dry spell, and you did leave the house without panties on, just in case. An adequate, by which I mean consenting, man might sweep you off your feet and into the single-occupancy, genderneutral restroom of your preferred brunch establishment, where you can take two bumps of ketamine, a hit of poppers, and make sweet, passionate, romantic love on or against the sink. We’ve all been there. We’ve all been there, but you don’t want to do it and I do. And that’s… That’s the fundamental difference between us. Obviously, factory-default vaginas are the divine gateway of life. Our species could not exist without them. I will never take that away from you, because I don’t want to. And also, there are plenty of things an aftermarket vagina can do that a stock vagina cannot, like destroy the fabric of Western civilization as we know it. Only my pussy does that! Only mine. Only my pussy can murder the little baby Jesus before he even has a chance to start an apocalyptic death cult and ruin the world. That’s miracle pussy. That is how I define good pussy. I do also realize, of course, that that last joke may offend some Christians, and it is very important to me that you know that I don’t care. I have also, however, been informed that it is apparently socially unacceptable to make fun of the shape and/or size of a man’s penis, and that’s going to be a hard one for me to swallow, because… if you’ve ever taken a dick or two, from time to time… And you don’t have to take both dicks at the same time. We can’t all be about that life. But if you do happen to take a dick or two, from time to time you’re going to meet a kind, caring, compassionate man whose dick is trash. Like, in the bedroom. In any other situation, all penises are equal. But in the bedroom, his is… Lousy, bad, no good. But he is still a good man. You might even marry that good fella. And on the other hand, if you take enough dicks, from time to time, you’re going to meet a man with a perfect dick. The dick of legends. The dick your mom told you about. The dick that almost made her leave your father. Don’t worry, we’re all going to split into small groups later to process that information. But for now, I regret to tell you that that delectable specimen of penile perfection is all too often attached to a giant sack of shit. And that, dear friends, brings us to the fundamental difference between a transgender and a nontransgender man. ‘Cause if you meet a kind, caring, compassionate transgender man, he will take you to a store to buy the dick of your choice. As it turns out, that’s what I wanted. That’s what I wanted the whole time. Who knew? Who could’ve guessed? Who could’ve guessed? But here’s the thing, ever since Adam first gaslit Eve into taking the blame… women like myself, we’ve been down on our knees begging God for an emotionally available, financially stable man with modular genitals. Listen, I’m a busy woman. I am very busy. I don’t always have time for a whole 30.48 centimeters. And yes, that is correct. I, an American, took the time to do a metric conversion. For one dick joke. For the viewers at home, that’s 12 inches. Point being, I don’t always have time for all that. I really don’t. Also, I don’t know how the rest of you choose to live your lives, but one of my favorite things in the entire world is pretending to choke on a man’s dick. And my least favorite thing in the entire world is choking on a dick. And with that in mind, I’m going to help everyone here with a penile partner take your relationship to the next level tonight. Here’s what you’re going to do. After the show, what you’re gonna do is, you’re going to look your partner in the eyes… and you’re gonna say, “N*gga…” I do need to warn you, of course, if you or your partner are not Black, this part’s gonna be extremely uncomfortable. But you have to follow my instructions to the letter. So… So you’re going to look your partner in the eyes. You’re gonna say, “N*gga, you got a tiny dick.” Now, if your partner gets all huffy and offended, acts like a little bitch about it, I regret to tell you, you got a tiny-dick n*gga on your hands who probably thinks “cisgender” is a slur. But, on the other hand, if your partner just shrugs it off, doesn’t care at all, that n*gga’s got a giant dick in their soul. You’ve been beautiful, I love you. Good night! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] Mx. Dahlia Belle! [music ends] We’re all learning. We are all learning. When we were putting this evening together, it was very important to me to really get a wide spectrum of voices on stage. Not just gender, but also geography and tone and experience. I really wanted to use this moment to give an opportunity to a new performer, because when you’re genderqueer in the comedy world, stage time is not always safe time. And I’m incredibly excited to bring this next act, uh, onto the stage to share with you. Can we get some energy? Energy from you? [crowd cheering] Please make welcome to the stage the wonderful, the singular Krishna Istha! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [music ends] Oh my God, hi. I’m so excited to be here. This is honestly such a huge opportunity, so if I fuck this up… and you don’t find me funny enough to laugh, that’s cool, don’t worry about it. My personal kink is humiliation, so this is a winwin situation for me. As a trans person, in the past, some people would have said that I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Never really identified with that. Although, if you think about it, we were all once trapped inside a woman’s body. Actually, not all people who give birth are women. That was a test, and you all failed! I’m so disappointed in this room. [tsks] I’ve been on testosterone for 10 years. And one of the side effects of taking testosterone is that you get the sudden urge to try standup comedy. Did you know the confidence you get when you walk through the world as a man is directly proportional to the confidence you need to try standup comedy? Which is probably why so many mediocre white men think they can do it. Someone once told me when I first started standup that it was very important to define myself clearly straight away, so that the audience was open to listening to me. Apparently all this, it can be distracting from the “comedy.” But defining yourself is pretty hard when you’re an Indian-American kinda Australian person living in Britain who’s a transmasculine, nonbinary, bisexual, polyamorous, dyslexic performance artist! [crowd cheering] And there’s nothing more confusing than performance art. I can’t explain performance art in five minutes, but I’ll try! I hope I fail. Humiliation… Mmm. So performance art is on the same spectrum as comedy and sex work. Comedy and performance art are exactly the same, except for one small thing. The intention with comedy is for the audience to laugh. The intention with performance art is for the audience to never laugh ever again. Sex work and performance art are also very similar. Insertion of objects is industry standard. Someone’s always naked. And someone’s always thinking, “When is this going to end?” Speaking of “when this is going to end,” I’m in a relationship. No, he’s really great, he’s really good. He’s also trans, his name is Joseph. Well, he’s Joseph, but also a Mary. He’s from New Zealand, which is cute. But his slang, it’s a bit confusing. For example, he says, “Yeah, nah.” The other day I asked, “Want a cup of tea?” And he said, “Yeah, nah.” “Nah, yeah? Nah.” Sorry, what is it? Is it a yes or no? It’s as confusing as the Indian head nod. Pick a side. Says the nonbinary, bisexual, polyamorous, Libra rising, multihyphenated creative. When my mum and my boyfriend first met, they didn’t get on. We went out for breakfast, and they just wouldn’t make eye contact. They wouldn’t speak to each other unless it was through me. “Krishna, does your friend want water?” “Krishna, does your friend want more water?” “‘Friend’? How many times do I have to tell you?” “She’s my mother.” It was humiliating. They did speak to each other directly once, though, when my mom turned him and asked, “Are you scared of me?” And he went, “Yeah, nah.” “Nah. Should I be scared of you?” And she went… It’s honestly so cute, though, because they’re best friends now. It’s adorable. My mum is actually teaching him how to speak Malayalam, my mother tongue, and the other day he came up to me and said… [speaking Malayalam] Which translates to… [man laughing] The one Malayali got it! It translates to, “I stupid, where is food, bitch?” You’ve been amazing. I’m Krishna Istha, thanks! [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] [Hannah] Krishna Istha! [music ends] It’s been a pretty special evening, no? That’s it, you’ve got one more act. This stage is about to be commanded. They are not just gender-nonconforming, they are genre-nonconforming. They are pushing the envelope in all the right ways. Please make welcome to the stage… The biggest welcome you can gather yourselves into, for the one and only Alok! [crowd cheering loudly] [upbeat music playing] [music ends] Hi. I’m Alok. And my preferred pronouns are hehe, haha. Some of my best friends identify as members of the cisgender and heterosexual community, and I know that you guys are going through a lot right now. That’s why every morning during my sun salutation, I take a 15-second breath to acknowledge how difficult it must be for straight people to remember how to use they/them pronouns for us. Don’t laugh. It’s one of the biggest issues facing their community. [crowd cheering] I mean, his and her community. I just wanted to begin tonight by shouting out all the transphobic men in the audience. I see you, and your uncomfortability is valid. I understand that I put you in a bit of a dilemma, right? If you find yourself accidentally laughing at one of my jokes tonight, then you’re officially endorsing the transgender agenda. And if you don’t laugh, then you’re kind of affirming my gender. Because women aren’t funny, right? Don’t find me funny? Well, thank you so much. That is so sweet of you. Thoughtful, really. I feel so seen. Laugh, even a chortle, and the sound will automatically activate a rainbow filter on every one of your profile pictures. Masculinity just is not the same anymore. The transgender agenda has gone too far. That’s why, in my home state of Texas… You might have heard of her. …they’re trying to ban books. A conservative legislator made a list of 850 books he felt like were too inappropriate for Texas public schools. He included my book, Beyond the Gender Binary, on the list. So I had no choice but to read the entire list myself. And I was shocked to see that Marie Kondo’s… Spark Joy was not included. I’m just trying to get rid of gender norms. She wants us to get rid of everything! That’s the collapse of civilization as we know it. The more that I read about the gay agenda online, the more alarmed I’m becoming at how much more confident straight people are in our ability as gay people to do anything. “Causing natural disasters.” “Indoctrinating an entire generation.” Girl, that requires a lot of work, and coordination, all right? Like, our community evaporates the moment we have to post a group photo. Because we are arguing, because we only want the photo to be posted that we look best in. All right? How are we supposed to develop a shared plan of attack? In order to create an agenda, we’d have to actually be in touch with one another, and that’s proving to be impossible these days. One of the biggest issues facing gay people is unread emails. We use the number of emails in our inbox as a genderneutral dick-measuring contest to compare how depressed we are. Let’s say that we did schedule a meeting to discuss the gay agenda. None of us would arrive at the same time, because we believe that time is an oppressive social construct. Recently, I’ve been targeted by one of the worst antitrans policies. Baggage weight restrictions at the airport. Twenty-three kg? Are you kidding me? Some dudebro came up with that arbitrary number, and we need to be talking about it. It’s time to bring the body-positive movement to the baggage movement. We are more than a number! There’s plenty of other criteria we could be using here, like how cute the outfits you packed are, or the fact that you managed to fit everything inside the suitcase, which is not a given, it is a triumph. So here I am, pulling up to the airport. “Excuse me, sir.” “Your bag is overweight.” First of all, if you’re not even gonna count my emotional baggage, do you even see me? Because I might be trans, but I’m a water sign first. Which means every interaction with a stranger is an opportunity for me to process my feelings. And I saw a sign here that said, “Check in.” So what the fuck else are we supposed to be doing here, ma’am? Where else am I supposed to put all the pain I have from being alive? My therapist has been encouraging me to speak my truth, so I’m gonna speak it. You’ve been edging me all week. I’ve been ignoring those emails, like “48 hours until checkin.” “Just 12 more hours until you check in.” And I’m sitting at the back of the gay agenda meeting, heavy breathing, like, “Somebody finally cares about my feelings?” And I pull up here only to get JetBlueballed? Are you kidding me? Notice, when everyone else is boarding the plane, we transgenders are still on the floor of the airport, practicing the sacred transgender ritual called repacking… where we seek to make the 78 kg bag transition into 22.473628, by wearing approximately 17 outfits on the plane, because we refuse to compromise our glamour in the face of attempted disappearance. That, my friends, is the transgender agenda. [crowd cheering] [upbeat music playing] Alok! [music ends] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/taylor-tomlinson-look-at-you-transcript/ | Taylor Tomlinson: Look at You (2022) | Transcript | taylor tomlinson | [upbeat music] [sentimental music] [announcer] Please welcome Taylor Tomlinson! [audience cheering] Thank you so much! [cheering] Thank you! Thank you, guys, so much! Thank you! I so, so appreciate you guys being here. It’s been a rough couple of years. I got bangs at one point. Shit got dark. [audience laughs] I didn’t even want bangs. I just needed people to check on me. And it works, by the way. You post a selfie in bangs, everybody’s like, “Fire emoji. You go, girl!” Then they text you, like, “You okay?” [audience laughs] Here’s what I did. I got bangs and then two days later, I did mushrooms for the first time. [audience laughs] And as soon as I did those mushrooms, I was like, “I should’ve done these first. [audience laughs] Probably wouldn’t have gotten these bangs if I forgave myself, huh?” [audience laughs] But you know what? Having bangs feels exactly like being on mushrooms. The whole time, you’re just looking at your friends, like, “Do I look weird? [audience laughs] You guys would tell me if I looked weird, right? Is it… Is it bad different? Is it not good… You know what? I changed my mind. I don’t want to do it. It’s too late? It’s already happening? Okay, no, I can be this person.” I got back into therapy. Anybody in therapy? [audience cheers] Mostly women. That’s the problem. [audience laughs] It’s very hard to stay in therapy. My old therapist told me that when I get close to people, I have a tendency to self-sabotage. And I thought that was bullshit, so I ghosted her. [audience laughs] And then… I finally went back because I finally dated enough people who all gave me the exact same feedback about my shitty personality. You know, that romantic quota you hit where you’re, like, [laughing] “Uh-oh! Might be me! [audience laughs] Oh, the reviews are in and they are [blows raspberry] unanimous. That’s a bummer.” So after a really bad breakup a few years ago, I finally took a long hard look at myself and said, “Okay, Taylor, five out of five dudes all think that in fights, you behave like a raccoon trapped in a trash bag.” [audience laughs] “So maybe it’s time to get some Klonopin or a rabies shot.” [audience laughs] I am fully medicated now. Anybody else? Anti-depressants? [audience cheers] Medication? Yeah. Nice. What are we on? Shout it out. [audience shouting indistinctly] Zoloft, Lexapro. Oh! Look at us. Gang’s all here! [audience laughs] Oh my God! I’m also on something. I would never say what, that’s very personal, but… [audience laughs] No, I’m kidding. I’m on a few things. I am on Klonopin as needed for panic attacks. I’m so glad I have Klonopin now because before I had medication for it, I would have panic attacks right when I had to be somewhere, which is the worst time to get them ’cause then you just have to pinch the panic attack off like a shit you don’t have time to take. [audience laughs] You know what I mean? When you’re, like, “Okay, I got 60% of that out of my system. [audience laughs] I’m not done but I gotta go to work. [audience laughs] I will get to the other 40 later or I’ll finish in the big stall at lunch if no one’s in there. [audience laughs] I got put on something else for sleep because I have night terrors. There’s no fun, casual way to say that. [giggles] “Wake up screaming and…” [audience laughs] These sleeper time pills I got are great. They don’t stop the nightmares but they do hold you down while they’re happening. [audience laughs] Which sounds bad but before, I’d wake up in the middle so afraid and now, I stay asleep until the nightmare’s natural conclusion, [audience laughs] which provides you with some closure. [audience laughs] You’re like, “Oh, he stabs me at the end. [audience gasps] Okay, plot twist, M. Nightmare Shyamalan.” [audience laughs] I thought I was on an anti-depressant. It turns out I’m not. It turns out I’m actually on a mood stabilizer that they use as an anti-depressant. Fun fact about prescription drugs. Everything they prescribe, they actually use for, like, four different things. So you don’t really know what your deal is until you find a combo that works and then Google all your pills by yourself. [audience laughs] So after years of trial and error, I finally found a combination of things that worked for me, and six months ago, I decided to Google it ’cause what the hell. And it turns out that everything I’m taking is primarily used for bipolar disorder. So I went back to my psychiatrist and I was, like, “Hey. [audience laughs] Do we think…?” [audience laughs] And she was, like, “Oh! Yeah!” [audience laughs] And I was, like, “Is this how you fucking tell people?” [audience laughs] And she’s, like, “No, of course not. We didn’t know. I’m glad we figured it out.” And I was, like, “We?” [audience laughs] I said, “You really didn’t know that I was bipolar?” And she goes, “No, of course not. We thought we were treating anxiety and depression.” And I said, “Okay. ‘Cause this kinda feels like a putting your dog’s medication in cheese situation.” [audience laughs] And I was, like, “I don’t know how I feel about this diagnosis.” And she goes, “Well, if it makes you feel better, you don’t have to say, ‘I am bipolar.’ You can say, ‘I have bipolar.'” [audience chuckles] Which feels a lot like someone going, “I said you were being a bitch.” [audience laughs] I’m so glad I know that I’m bipolar now. I mean, I have the right meds, I got a mood ring, I’m handling it. [audience laughs] But when I first found out, it was a very tough pill to swallow. And I’ve swallowed a lot of pills. [audience laughs] Because when you first find out something like that, you’re, like, “Oh man, am I gonna tell anybody? Should I tell anybody? And if I do tell people, am I hot and/or talented enough to be an inspiration?” [audience laughs] [audience claps, cheers] Like, if I have a thing and someone else has that thing and they find out I have it too, are they gonna feel good or bad with that information? Because when I got diagnosed, they started listing names. They were, like, “You know who else is bipolar? Selena Gomez.” And I was, like, “That does make me feel better. [audience laughs] She is very pretty. [audience laughs] Okay, I’ll be bipolar.” [audience laughs] I did not grow up in a household that was very, like, mental health-conscious. Like, we were very religious. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to tell your conservative dad that you have a mental health issue. It doesn’t go great. When I was in high school, I was like, “Dad, I think I’m depressed.” And he was, like, “You just need some protein. Get a scoop of peanut butter.” [audience laughs] Yeah, there’s a lot of dads out there just white-knuckling it through life right now, clinging to a jar of chunky Jif like it’s the answer, just a buoy in the storm. “It’ll pass!” [audience laughs] The only mental health advice my dad ever gave me is I was having panic attacks in high school and I didn’t know what they were and I was very stressed out. And I was, like, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do when I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.” And he goes, “Alright. All I can tell you is that when you feel like this, get as far away from the people you care about as possible… [audience laughs] …until you feel different.” Which is advice you give a werewolf, like… [audience laughs] “Just run into the woods ’til you’re not a monster anymore. Don’t let them see you change. They won’t accept you for what you truly are.” [audience laughs] And I had friends who scared me too when I was trying to get on medication. They were, like, “Ugh, I tried. I tried anti-depressants. I didn’t like how I felt on them. I didn’t feel like myself.” And now that I’m on them, I’m, like, “Yeah, me neither! It’s the best.” [audience laughs] Okay? And I do feel like myself. I just feel like now someone’s sitting on me going, “Shh! [audience laughs] Stop talking. You will ruin everything. We are… We are trying to help you. You’d be married right now if you just shut the hell up. [audience laughs] Remember that? Yeah, us too. We are trying to help you. Go to sleep. Choose a different adventure.” [audience laughs] And they warn you about the side effects when you get on medication. They go, “You know, your sex drive might go down.” And I’ll be honest, I have experienced that since I got on medication, but I can’t tell if my sex drive is lower or if my self-esteem is just higher now. [audience laughs] You know? [audience claps, cheers] It’s, like, am I not in the mood, or do I just not need the validation? Which is it? Because depression will bring you to your knees and you’re, like, “While I’m down here, might as well make someone feel good. I… do not want to waste a trip.” [audience whoops] If you’re not laughing, congrats on your serotonin. [audience laughs] And if you’re, like, “What’s serotonin?” Don’t worry. You have enough. [audience laughs] I wasn’t sure if I was gonna talk about it on stage, and then I needed new material and I was, like, “Fire sale! Everything goes.” [audience laughs] No, truthfully, I was surprised that I felt so bad about it ’cause I think I’m pretty open-minded. And I don’t think anybody should feel bad if they get diagnosed with a mental illness ’cause it’s just information about you that helps you know how to take better care of yourself. [audience cheers] Yeah. Being bipolar, there’s nothing wrong with it. Being bipolar is like not knowing how to swim. It might be embarrassing to tell people and it might be hard to take you certain places. [audience laughs] [audience continues laughing] But they have arm floaties. [audience laughs] And if you just take your arm floaties, you can go wherever the hell you want. [audience laughs] And… I know some of you are, like, “But Taylor, what if people judge me for taking arm floaties?” Well, those people don’t care if you live or die, so maybe who cares? [audience whoops] Maybe fuck those people a little. [audience cheers] I don’t know. That being said, you have to take your arm floaties [audience laughs] because it’s not cool to know you can’t swim, go to the public pool anyway, and jump into the deep end, making it everyone else’s problem. [audience laughs] And you thrash around going, “I’m good!” They’re like, “You’re literally drowning.” And then someone nice and handsome jumps in to help you. And you’re, like, “See? I’m fine. I can totally swim.” And they’re, like, “No, you’re holding him underwater. [audience laughs] You turned Kevin into an arm floaty [audience laughs] and that’s not a fair relationship for Kevin.” [audience laughs] Then someone floats by you on their back and you’re, like, “What was that?” And they’re, like, “Oh, that’s someone whose parents supported them in the pool… [audience laughs] …until they could be trusted not to die. [audience laughs] Here are your arm floaties.” [audience laughs] I was very nervous to tell friends of mine I was bipolar because I thought they would think of me differently. And then I told all my friends and nobody did and it was actually pretty insulting. [audience laughs] Because I’ve had friends tell me they were bipolar and I was, like, “What? You? You’re kidding.” And then I told my friends and they were, like, “That checks out. That’s… [audience laughs] That connects a lot of dots for us.” I told Dustin, one of my best friends in the whole world, and he goes, “Yeah, your mental illness was kinda like your middle name. I didn’t know what it was but I knew that you had one.” [audience laughs] It’s really good. That was not the feedback I kept getting from romantic partners, by the way. [audience laughs] That’s not what finally made me get help. Every guy I’ve ever dated has told me I have trust issues, which is something liars say when you’re on to them. [audience laughs] [in deep voice] “You have trust issues, babe.” You have a hot co-worker and a locked phone, so… [audience laughs] I have trust issues but I earned them, okay? [audience laughs] I absolutely earned them, like, I got cheated on in college. My college boyfriend was sleeping with sex workers behind my back, or prostitutes if you’re old and don’t know that word’s not okay to use anymore. Sometimes older crowd members could get confused ’cause they’re, like, “What is a sex worker?” “Is that what my granddaughter does on Instagram?” [audience laughs] And you’re, like, “No, no, no, she’s just hot. That’s a FabFitFun box.” “That’s a different…” [audience laughs] “That’s a different thing.” [audience laughs] “Your granddaughter doesn’t… That’s not a job.” “That’s not real.” [audience laughs] You can’t say prostitute anymore. Calling a sex worker a prostitute is like calling a comedian a clown. You’re not technically wrong but you are a fucking asshole, so… [audience laughs] But I told my therapist I got cheated on like this and she didn’t say what I wanted her to say, which was, “Poor baby, sweetie, this session is free.” [audience laughs] Instead, she goes, “Well, you might be a self-fulfilling prophecy.” And I was like, “Oh!” And she’s like, “No, it’s a bad thing.” And I was like, [audience laughs] “Well, then could you say I have self-fulfilling prophecy? [audience laughs] Is Selena Gomez a self-fulfilling prophecy?” [audience laughs] And I said, “What does that mean, I’m a self-fulfilling prophecy?” And she goes, “Well, sometimes we expect someone to treat us poorly, so we treat them like they’re going to treat us poorly until they do.” “You thought someone was gonna cheat on you, so you treated them like they were gonna cheat on you until they did cheat on you, and then you were like, ‘See?'” [audience chuckles] And I was like, “Oh.” [audience laughs] “So I’m a witch.” [audience laughs] [audience claps, cheers] And she’s like, “Oh! So close. You’re a bitch.” “You gotta…” [audience laughs] I’m like, “Whatever. All I heard was Gryffindor!” [audience laughs] I am working on my trust issues. I was so much worse when I first started seeing my therapist. I told her like first session, I was like, “The guy I’m dating keeps answering my phone calls, ‘Hey, beautiful?'” [audience laughs] And she’s like, “So, what’s the problem?” I was like, “I mean, I don’t know yet.” [audience laughs] “But when I find out who ‘Beautiful’ is…” [audience laughs] She’s like, “Do you think it might be you?” I was like, “I’m sorry. I thought we were here to work.” [audience laughs] I think I’m cute or whatever now, but I was an ugly kid with honest parents, and that shit stays in your bones, alright? If you were an ugly kid with honest parents, I don’t care how attractive you grow up to be, at any point, if someone’s like, “You look really nice today,” you’re like, “Yeah, whatever. I know the Goddamn truth.” [audience laughs] When I was ten, I said, “Dad, am I pretty?” And his response was, “Look.” [audience laughs] “I’m not the best looking guy, right?” “No, but I wake up every morning and I try.” [audience laughs] “I…” “I take a shower, I put on a nice suit, and I do okay!” [audience whoops] And then he went to work. [audience laughs] And I became a comedian, I guess. [audience laughs] That was his response to his ten-year-old daughter. Just like, “You and me, potato face, these were the cards we were dealt.” “Get clean and match.” “That’s all you can do. Don’t sleep on wet hair. Can’t do that.” “Maybe wear a hat sometimes. Cover up some of that head.” “I’m sorry there’s so much of it.” [audience laughs] I think I’m pretty. I have a big head. I know I do ’cause every guy I’ve ever dated has made a point to be like, “I love your big head.” [audience laughs] That’s my favorite thing guys do when they compliment the thing you hate most about yourself, they’re like, “I love your soft arms.” You’re like, “Okay. [audience laughs] Yeah? I love your weird balls. How does it feel? [audience laughs] [audience cheers] How does it feel to be accepted?” [audience chuckles] I’m a nightmare to date. [audience laughs] Anything nice you do or say, I’m just like, “Whatever.” I dated a guy once who told me that flirting with me was like punching water. [audience laughs] And I was like, “Why? ‘Cause it’s pointless or ’cause you look stupid doing it?” [audience laughs] He’s like, “Did you hear it?” I’m like, “I heard it that time. Yeah.” [audience laughs] And then he cheated on me, so, you know, prophecy fulfilled! [audience laughs] I can’t help it. At the beginning of a relationship with a guy, I just assume anything nice he does is he a move he pulls on everybody and I’m not gonna fall for your choreography, sir. [audience laughs] I’m like, “Oh, is this… is this your move? You open the car door for me on the date? [woman laughs] Is this like your move? [chuckles] This is how you do it? That’s cute. Bet that works a lot.” [audience laughs] “Oh, is this… is this your move? You go with me to my grandpa’s funeral, hold an umbrella over my head in the rain? [audience laughs] Is this like… Is this like your move? This is how you do it? [audience laughs] Like, ‘Whoops, don’t get wet.’ ‘Oops! I am.’ Whatever. [audience laughs, cheers] This ain’t my first rodeo. I used to have two grandpas.” [audience laughs] [audience chuckles] “Oh, is this… Is this your move? [audience chuckles] You die next to me in a hospital bed at 86 years old holding my hand for all eternity? Is this like your move? This is how you get pussy?” [audience laughs] He’s like, “We’ve been together for 60 years.” I’m like, “You’re a fuckboy and I know it! [audience laughs] Don’t bury me with this guy. He’s been dying with other people behind my back. [audience laughs] I can’t prove it. Check his phone when he uses the bedpan.” [audience laughs] And that’s why we’re in therapy. [audience laughs] People are scared to go to therapy because they think it’s someone sitting in a chair going, “You suck.” But it’s not. It’s you in a chair going, “I suck.” [audience laughs] And then your therapist is like, “That’s great. Let’s start there.” [audience laughs] Therapy just helps you to get to the bottom of why you’re trash, okay? You go into therapy and you’re like, “Here’s all the stuff that sucks about me.” And she goes, “Okay.” And she puts it all up on the wall like you’re solving a crime together. Fun! [audience laughs] And then she gets some of that red string that detectives use at home when they’ve been thrown off the case for going rogue [audience laughs] and she starts connecting each crappy thing about you to each one of your corresponding childhood traumas, and you’re like, “Oh my God! That’s why I’m like this.” And she’s like, “That’s why you’re like this.” And you’re like, “Am I fixed now?” And she’s like, “God, no! [audience laughs] No, no, no.” You’re like, “Well, what do I do now?” She’s like, “Well, you keep coming back in here every week with your credit card.” And you’re like, “What? Will I ever be fixed?” She’s like, “I don’t know. Bring your credit card!” [audience laughs] I’ve got to the bottom of a lot of stuff in therapy. I’m an emotional eater. I don’t know if anybody else identifies with that. [audience whoops] Cool. Seven people. Everyone else is like, “No, we just eat until we’re almost full and then we thank God for the opportunity, okay.” [audience laughs] “Food is just fuel for me.” If you’re one of those, fuck right off, for real. [audience laughs] I’ll refund your money. I don’t need your support. [audience cheers] I’m doing fine. If you don’t know what an emotional eater is, it just means you like eat to cope with uncomfortable feelings. So if I’m like sad or anxious or awake, I like to be eating to take the edge off. [audience laughs] If you still don’t know if that’s you, you can ask yourself a few questions to find out. Number one. When you eat nachos in public, do you get kinda mad that other people are there to see it? [audience laughs] Do you feel like nachos should come with a privacy curtain? I do. [audience laughs] Have all the best meals of your life taken place in your own car around 11 p.m.? [audience laughs] Under a flickering streetlamp? Have you ever eaten a brownie while you felt okay [audience laughs] and wished you were sad… [audience laughs] …so that it tasted better? [audience laughs] Sounds like more than seven of us. [audience laughs] In therapy, I figured out the day in my childhood I became an emotional eater. I was eight years old and I was eating a bagel in the kitchen and my dad came in and he goes, “You’re gonna want to put that bagel down. I gotta tell you something.” And that’s when he told me that my mom had died. So somewhere in my brain, something clicked, like, “Oh, when you stop eating bread, [audience laughs] people perish.” [audience laughs] I went back to fourth grade like the angel of death. Everyone’s like, “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back.” I’m like, “Stop eating bread, now your mom’s dead, dude. [audience laughs] They left out that second part but…” I had a lisp when I was eight. I tell you guys that because no one told me. [audience laughs] They pulled me aside a year later at school. Someone’s like, “Taylor, your teacher thinks you might be struggling with a speech impediment.” I’m like, [with lisp] “What’s a speech impediment? [audience laughs] [with lisp] Are you sure you have the right person, ’cause… I’m crushing it out there.” [audience laughs] And they’re like, “You didn’t do anything wrong. You just pronounce your words a little differently, like you say “sh” instead of “ss” for your S’s, does that make sense? And I was like, [with lisp] “I’m pretty sure I would have noticed [audience laughs] if I said ‘sh’ instead of ‘sh’. Hope you find who you’re looking for. [audience laughs] If you have any follow-up questions, I’ll be on the see-saw.” [audience laughs] I know dead mom jokes make people uncomfortable. I know that and if you are uncomfortable, I don’t know what to say, you should’ve worked harder so it was you up here. [audience laughs, cheers] No, honestly, I never want to make people feel uncomfortable with that information. So much so that I used to lie to everybody. Growing up, I used to tell everybody that my parents were separated so I wouldn’t have to say my mom’s dead. And that worked very well until recently a friend of mine found out I had lied and she was very upset. [audience laughs] She was like, “Your mom’s dead? Taylor, you told me your parents were separated.” And I was like, “Well, they were! [audience laughs] By Jesus.” [audience laughs] Both her parents are alive, so she has no idea how funny that is but… [audience laughs] She’ll get it eventually, right? Like that joke is a slow burn. [audience laughs] Kinda like cancer, which is what got mine, hey oh! [audience laughs] Okay, alright. [audience laughs] [groans] Here’s the deal, Boston. [audience laughs] We have another, like, six minutes of dead mom jokes. [audience laughs] I know. You’re getting like, “Whoa, no, six minutes is a long time.” It won’t feel long. I have cushioned her, alright? [audience laughs] I have laid my dead mom to rest in a beautiful casket of dick jokes and pop culture references. There’s something for everybody over the next six minutes. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll forget she’s dead. [audience laughs] But I know a lot’s happening for you as a crowd right now because you’re like, “Taylor, we’re good people. Good people wouldn’t laugh at dead mom jokes.” I’m here to tell you that if you’re trying to be a good person at a comedy show, you’re wasting your God damn time. [audience laughs] Trying to be a good person at a comedy show is like trying to recycle at a theme park. You’re already in here and part of the problem, put your hands up and have fun. [audience laughs] And I know you’re good people. You’re like, “Taylor, we’ve known you for 25 minutes. We hate that anything bad ever happened to you even once.” Thank you so much, Boston. But what you have to understand is the bad thing already happened and now I’m talking about it into a microphone in front of people who paid to be here, [audience laughs] which means now the bad thing is money. [audience laughs] Do you think I’d be this successful at my age if I had a live mom? [audience laughs] [audience whoops] [shouts] Fuck no! [audience laughs] I’d be a creative writing teacher who loved myself and I’d be sitting in the dark with you pheasants, okay? [audience laughs] She’s in heaven, I’m on Netflix, it all worked out. [audience cheers] That is a real thing I said in therapy. [audience laughs] To which my therapist responded, “You should come in twice this week.” [audience laughs] Some people get sad because I was eight when it happened. But eight is a great time to lose a parent because you’re so stupid, you barely know what’s going on. When I was eight, I was like, the only people I know with dead moms are Disney princesses. [audience chuckles] So like, this sucks but am I about to get hot? [audience laughs] Then I hit puberty and I was like, “Oh no, I guess God just hates me right now, that’s a bummer.” That’s a joke. God doesn’t hate anybody, alright? Not anymore. [audience laughs] But have you read the Old Testament? Holy shit. [audience laughs] The Old Testament is my favorite Taylor Swift album. It is… [audience laughs] It is banger after banger. Just like, “You don’t believe in me? [in singsong voice] Snakes! Look what you made me do.” [audience laughs] I’m a 20-something white woman, obviously, I’m gonna compare T. Swift to the Lord, alright? [audience laughs] She is the only god I still believe in, alright? [audience cheers] I don’t see God God revamping his old shit and let’s be honest, he probably should ’cause the people who own it now suck. [audience laughs, cheers] It does grow you up very quickly, losing a parent that young. I mean, I saw a dead body when I was eight which means I saw a dead body years before I saw a dick. And that is not the order that shit should go in [audience laughs] according to the American Girl Body book. [audience laughs] Although maybe it should be ’cause you know what’s crazy? A dick? Way more traumatizing than your dead mom. [audience laughs] Oh my God, it’s so much worse. I saw my mom, I was like, “That lady used to make me snacks, now she’s very still.” I saw a dick for the first time, I was like, “Oh my God! Who took Jabba the Hutt’s eyes? [audience laughs] You have done nothing for me. No, no, no. No, I didn’t say Beetlejuice even one time!” [audience laughs] I haven’t seen that many dicks and I don’t want to see any more and it’s nothing against men, I’m attracted to you for some reason but I swear to God, every time you see a new dick, there is an adjustment period, isn’t there? [audience laughs] Just a real quick like… [huffs deeply] and we’re back in it, alright. [audience laughs] I have stayed in relationships too long ’cause I just wasn’t ready to see a fresh one. I just couldn’t [audience laughs] couldn’t wrap my head around it, literally or figuratively. I just… I just didn’t have it in me, couldn’t have it in me. And… [audience laughs] I don’t care how many dicks you’ve seen, every time you see a new dick, it feels like jumping into a cold pool. Just like, [nervously] “Alright, let me just swim around, get used to this one.” “Okay, alright, this one’s deeper than the last one but that’s okay.” “That’s alright. This is why we take our arm floaties, you know, for moments like these.” [audience claps, cheers] [grunting] Just control your breathing, hot girl summer, bitch, you can do it. [audience laughs] I think of the genitalia options available, I think dick seem friendlier, you know. They’re up, they’re happy to see you, they’re wagging, I’ve never had sex. [audience laughs] It’s like a front tail, right? [audience laughs] I’ll Google it, it’s fine. It’s all speculation. I’ve never seen a vagina, not even my own, I’m a Christian. [audience laughs] But from what I hear, it is very spooky down there. It’s just a dark spooky hole, like, a hole? I’m sorry, what? Every time someone fingers me, I’m like, “You are very trusting, sir, because…” [audience laughs] “…I don’t even know where that goes.” “That might be where I keep the bipolar. That might be…” [audience laughs] “…where it has been… actually, if you see any, could you scrape it out?” “Could you…” [audience laughs] “…just like a mental health Pap smear?” “Can you just do…” [audience laughs] Don’t do that. Like, you gotta hook your finger, like when a baby’s choking, are you familiar? If you do that, it’ll push it in too far, it’s too late. But if you hook your finger, you swipe it, that’s how you get it out. [audience laughs] I like doing that joke because it goes too far but you do learn something that could save a life. [audience laughs] I just love the idea of years from now, someone being like, “If it weren’t for that dick joke, my niece would not be here.” [audience laughs] The craziest thing that happened is my mom died of cancer. See? You almost forgot. [audience laughs] And then my dad got remarried and then our stepmom got cancer. She’s fine, don’t worry. I wouldn’t do that to you twice. [audience laughs] That’s God talking to my dad. And… As soon as our stepmom got it, me and my siblings were like, “Holy shit.” “Is Dad giving people cancer?” [audience laughs] We thought he was a carcinogen. We were like, “Don’t microwave anything for him.” [audience laughs] “I think that’s how he’s doing it.” If he had taken down a second one, we would’ve put a warning on his Christian Mingle account. Like bare minimum, just like, “Hey, chemicals in here have been known to cause cancer.” “Ride at your own risk.” [audience laughs] I feel like some people don’t believe me that she’s alive. She’s completely fine, you guys. She’s happy, healthy, great lady. We actually call my stepmom Mom because when my dad married her, nobody was using it. So we were like, “Yeah, be Mom, who cares.” [audience laughs] Oh, I’m sorry, if your principal quit and you got a new principal, they wouldn’t be like, “This is Lisa.” Like… [audience laughs] Let her be principal, there is an opening. [audience laughs] Also, we were so young when it happened and my dad got remarried so fast, I think he was kinda hoping he could just like Indiana Jones switch them out [audience laughs] before anybody noticed. You know when you’re a kid and your hamster dies and your parents don’t want to explain death to you so they just buy you a new one that looks the same and they’re like, “No, that’s Connie, she just bites now.” [audience laughs] That’s kinda what he did. But with moms. But I never used to talk about any of that, I never used to talk about my mom dying because I didn’t want to make people uncomfortable and also, like most of us with childhood trauma, should be pretty much everyone in here. If you’re sitting here tonight going, “I don’t think I have any, I have great parents, I had a good childhood and this ‘comedy show’? It’s not that fun for me.” [audience laughs] Good. [audience laughs] I hope this is the worst night of your whole life. [audience laughs] ‘Cause it sounds like it’s been smooth sailing [audience laughs] and you might need some perspective. Most of us did have some childhood trauma and when you get to be an adult, you’re like, “Woo, made it! Never have to think about that again. Look at all my keys. The world’s my oyster.” [audience laughs] And so you just start pushing all that dark stuff that happened to you as a kid down, down, down ’til you don’t even think about it anymore. And that works for a long time. [audience chuckles] Until one day, [audience laughs] you stub your toe really hard on a curb and you just start weeping uncontrollably in the street and you’re like, “Okay, this is about something else. [audience laughs] I was keeping all my trauma in that toe. [audience laughs] And then I jostled it and now it’s everywhere. [audience laughs] [whispering] Gone over here.” [audience laughs] And if you don’t deal with that stuff, it’s gonna keep affecting you in ways you are not even conscious of. I realized in therapy that because my mom died young, I have this irrational belief that I am also going to die young, so I’ve been living in a very intense unhealthy way my entire adult life where I’m like, I can’t take a break, I gotta be working all the time, I have to hit these goals and achievements, otherwise I’m nothing. I got engaged a few years ago ’cause I was like, “I gotta get married before I’m dead” which is a super hot way to propose to somebody. [audience laughs] I call it “The Walk to Remember,” it’s kinda my move and… [audience claps] It did not work out with my ex-fiancé. I hate that I have to say that word now. It sounds like a spell, doesn’t it? [shouting] Just like, “Ex-fiancé!” It’s terrible. [audience laughs] He and I are not friends, not ’cause he’s a bad person, he’s actually a very good person. I don’t know if you’ve dated someone right before they find out they’re bipolar but it is what is known as “The Lord’s work.” [audience laughs] I think I was a great partner if nothing went wrong. If nothing went wrong, I was like, awesome. But if one thing went wrong, total nightmare. Like, I was like those spikes you drive over when you’re returning a rental car. Like as long as you keep moving forward, everything’s great. But if you back up even a little, I will slash all your tires. [audience laughs] And then be like, “What? I put up a sign.” [audience laughs] And you’re like, “I know, I mean, I know I messed up a little but like this reaction seems cra… like other speed bumps don’t react like that.” And I’m like, “Then go be with her!” [audience laughs] [chuckles] We are not friends, my ex-fiancé and I, because I think it’s weird when exes try to be friends with each other and they’re like, “We’ll hang out, we’ll get fro yo.” You’re like, “Fro yo? I know what you taste like. I’m not gonna sample yogurt with you, [audience laughs] you psycho. Do they have Kevin after a run, do they have that flavor at Yogurtland?” They do, it’s salted caramel, but still. [audience cheers, claps] I went back home after I called off my engagement for whatever holiday doesn’t offend you and… [audience laughs] …a lot of my friends are settling down. Some of them are just settling, period, end of sentence. [audience laughs] You guys know those couples? Everyone knows one couple like that where like one person in the couple is way hotter and cooler than the other person in the couple. I like to call those couples chocolate-covered raisins. [audience laughs] Because you’re like sure, you could put those two together, if you want. [audience laughs] But every time you see them, you’re like, “Chocolate, what are you doing? [audience laughs] You could’ve been with anybody. You could’ve been with caramel, you could’ve been with marshmallow, you could’ve been with peanut butter, who I heard cures depression, [audience laughs] and you want to be with raisin forever? Like, no offense, raisin, you’re great, we love you, nature’s candy, that’s you. But you belong with like oatmeal, like, you know that, right? This doesn’t feel good, right? Aren’t you scared every day that someone’s gonna come along and suck chocolate right off of you? [audience laughs] I love this joke ’cause I like to see couples in the audience looking at each other like, “Am I chocolate or raisin? [audience laughs] We’re both chocolate, right, babe? We’re chocolate-covered chocolate? We’re like those little Lindor guys in the foil, you know? I’m the creamy part and you’re the shell [sobbing] ’cause you’re so strong and if you leave me, I’ll be a mess.” [audience laughs] Some of you are like, “I am oatmeal and I am good with it.” [audience laughs] I made the mistake of talking to my happiest married friend after I called off my engagement, don’t do that. Your happiest married friend doesn’t remember what it’s like to be heartbroken. She’s like, “Well, what are you gonna do now? You’re gonna get back out there? Are you seeing anybody?” And I was like, “Nope, just gonna focus on my career for a little bit.” And she’s like, “Well, why can’t you focus on a career and a relationship at the same time?” And I was like, “How do I explain this [audience chuckles] in a way you might understand? [muttering] Why can’t I focus on a career and a relationship? Have you ever been on the freeway in traffic and your lane stops but the one next to you keeps moving, so you get in the one that’s moving, and as soon as you get in the one that’s moving, that one stops and the one next to you starts moving again. So you get back in that first one ’cause that one’s moving now and as soon as you get back in that first one, that one stops again and the one next to you starts moving. And after you go back and forth a few more times, at a certain point, you’re like, “Okay. Is it fucking me?” [audience laughs] And she’s like, “Yeah, I don’t know if I get it because you know, John and I, we usually just boop, get in the carpool lane. [audience laughs] And I was like, “Where’s your baby? Imma drop it!” [audience laughs] I actually did get into a new relationship pretty quickly after I called off my engagement. I wasn’t trying to, I really wasn’t. A lot of my friends were like, “You should stay single for a while. You should maybe get a cat.” And I was like, hard pass. I have never left an interaction with a cat feeling better about who I was. [audience laughs] Every cat reacts to people the way I react to seeing girls I went to middle school with in a Target. Just like… [audience laughs] [shouts] Oh, no! Like that’s every cat. [audience laughs] I don’t want to come home to that energy. [audience laughs] But I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was trying to have like a fun, sexy fling which doesn’t usually go great for me because I have this round wholesome face that people think they should build a life with. [audience laughs] Every time I’m like, “We could bone or whatever.” Guys are like, “No, I’m alright but you could meet my mom, do you want to do that? You seem like you’d be better at meeting my mom than having sex.” And they are not wrong, alright? [audience laughs] I will meet your mom all night long. Moms like me so much for no reason. I was dating a guy years ago, we were totally on the rocks having problems, and I went to lunch with his mom hoping to get some advice, and halfway through lunch, she puts her hand on my hand and goes, “You know, Taylor, my son’s a lot like his father. [audience chuckles] And if I could go back in time, [audience laughs] I don’t know that I’d marry his father again.” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Are you saving my life in this Panera Bread right now?” [audience laughs] It was like a movie when an older character sacrifices themselves for the good of the journey, like she Gandalfed me. She was like, “Fly, you fool!” [audience laughs] She was a bad mom and a bad wife but such a good friend, oh my God! Hoes before sons, am I right? [audience laughs] I think about her every day. And my boyfriend wasn’t looking for a relationship either when we met, straight dudes usually aren’t, you know. Women are surprised when they find a guy who can make them cum and straight dudes are surprised when they find a girl who can make them feel genuine feelings in their heart. Like women are like, “He got me off three times.” And guys are like, [in low voice] “I mean, I just fucking like her, dude. [audience laughs] [in low voice] Like we talked all day, I didn’t want to hit her, it was nuts! [audience laughs] She’s just like my friend. I don’t know, I want to like lick her heart, I think.” [audience laughs] Straight dudes are so proud of themselves for falling in love. It’s really cute. They’re like, [in low voice] “I love you. Hell yeah, buddy, I knew you could get there.” [audience laughs] Women fall in love, we’re like, “I love you. [whispering] Fucking again? You dumb bitch. [audience laughs] You were supposed to love you first, you keep skipping that part! [audience laughs] It is eat, pray, then love! [audience laughs] Oh my God. It’s okay, we’ll try again in a year and a half.” [audience laughs] My boyfriend is seven years older than me ’cause I needed to get back on my dad for some stuff. [audience laughs] Older guys are just better. They’re just better, you never have to ask them to buy Pepto Bismol, they just have it in the house. [audience laughs] They pull it out after dinner like a nightcap, like, “You want some pink juice, baby girl?” You’re like, “Yes, I would, cheers.” [audience laughs] Older guys don’t call you things like “cute” or “hot.” They call you things like “stunning, gorgeous,” shit with syllables, things that would take a 20-something guy a little while to settle down. [audience laughs] And older guys aren’t like, cute or hot either. You know, they’re handsome, distinguished, like old pictures of your grandpa you shouldn’t look at too long. [audience laughs] You ever find one of those in an old dusty box? You’re like, “Who is that? Oh, that’s wrong. Okay.” [audience laughs] They’re not your family in those pictures yet. They’re just the past, it is a gray area. [audience laughs] Oh, I’ll get weirder. You ever see a picture of your parents when they were young and hot? And you get like weirdly mad ’cause you know they would’ve never dated you? [audience laughs] I saw a picture of my dad in college football once. I didn’t talk to him for three weeks. I’m like, “You would’ve left me at a drive-in, you Danny Zuko piece of shit!” [audience laughs] He’s like, “What?” I’m like, “I can’t hug you for a year and I don’t want to talk about it.” [audience laughs] It’s always awkward getting into a new relationship, though, especially right after you called off an engagement because you don’t feel like you can say any cheesy romantic crap ever again. Even if you feel it, you just feel like you’re a jinx. So when the next person is like, “I wanna be with you forever.” You’re like, “Oh, wouldn’t that be something? [audience laughs] I can’t… I can’t use the F-word anymore but I just need to build my credit back up but… [audience laughs] …samesies, bro, for sure.” New relationships are awkward ’cause you gotta tell a whole new person what you like in bed and the only reason you know what you like in bed is ’cause someone else did it to you first. [audience laughs] But you can’t say it like that, right? You gotta do that cute little tap dance of like, “Oh, babe, you know what would be so fun that’s never even occurred to me before?” “You know what your body is inspiring me to do right now?” But in your head, you’re just like, “Do it like Craig. Could you just…” [audience laughs] “Do it how Craig did it every time?” “Craig didn’t do shit right, he did that right, let me tell you.” “Can we just call him?” “Can we just call him and ask?” [audience laughs] “It’s not a big deal, we’re all adults here.” “Remember we reset the Wi-Fi router last month?” “It’s just like that, babe. He’s just a voice on the phone with the password.” [audience laughs] “That’s all he is to me now.” “No, I did block his number when you asked me to, of course I did.” “But when you block a number, your phone kinda just saves it in a different folder.” [audience laughs] Oh, some of us are gonna fight in the car, not everybody knew that. [audience laughs] You have to be able to talk about what you like in bed and you have to know what you can and can’t say, alright? Like I’ve been telling guys for years I like it a little rougher in bed. I don’t say it like that, I say like, “Oh, I’m damaged,” you know. [audience laughs] If you’re a straight guy, don’t say that. If a straight dude’s like, [in low voice] “I’m damaged,” fucking run! That guy… that guy wants your toes in a baggy. So… [audience laughs] Sometimes you think you like something and you don’t. I thought I like dirty talk, turns out, I just like dirty phrases we agreed upon earlier. [audience laughs] You ever tell someone you like dirty talk and then they hit you with something in bed and you’re like, “Nah, that was not approved by corporate, no.” [audience laughs] I was having sex with a guy once, I was on top and he just went, [shouting] “Look at you!” [audience laughs] [audience laughs, cheers] Like I was taking my first steps. [audience laughs] I’m like, “You better get the camcorder, daddy, ’cause I am never getting up here again.” [audience laughs] My parents don’t watch me do stand-up anymore, don’t worry. [audience laughs] Don’t worry, they’re not interested. No Christian parents want to watch their daughter talk about depression and dick for an hour. It’s not fun for them. [audience laughs] My parents don’t have a dark sense of humor and I do, and I’m glad I do because if you can laugh at the darkest stuff that’s ever happened to you while it’s still actively happening to you, sometimes that’s what gets you through it. For example, here’s a joke they will not like. [audience laughs] Did you guys know that sometimes when you call a suicide hotline and the call drops, they do not call you back? [audience laughs] Yeah, you think that’d be the time for star 69 but sometimes they just ring a bell in the cubicle, like, “Lost another one, that’s lunch!” [audience laughs] Some of you are tensing up like, “Did that really happen?” Yeah, a few years ago and it was fucking hilarious. I was on the floor of a DoubleTree Hotel, like, “Did this bitch just ghost me while I’m trying to ghost myself?” “That is…” [audience laughs] “I mean, I’ve been left on read, I’ve never been left for dead.” “That’s a new one.” [audience laughs] “That is brutal.” I wasn’t even mad. For all I know, that’s how they train those volunteers. Like, “Hey, some nights, we get too many calls. [audience laughs] Fridays are big for us, in those situations, you’re just gonna have to use your best judgment, alright? Like I usually wait for like a privileged white girl name, like a Chelsea, a Kelsey, a Taylor. Those are the salmon I throw back and hope they swim upstream on their own.” [audience laughs] Even if I was mad, what am I gonna do, hop on Yelp? Like, “One star, totally killed myself. [audience laughs] You’re gonna wish I killed myself after this review.” [audience laughs] I did that joke in Texas a few weeks ago and there was a girl, white, my age in the crowd who goes, [shouting] “And the wait times are ridiculous!” [audience laughs] And she’s right, okay? I think, personally, I think if you are a frequent caller, there should be some sort of rewards program. You know, like when you show loyalty to an airline. Like, you should be able to do that with suicide hotlines where you call in and they’re like, [in robotic voice] “Please enter your rewards number.” Boop, boop, boop. “Welcome back… [sobbing] Taylor. [audience laughs] Thank you for your diamond medallion status. You are now third in line. Would you like to use an upgrade and kick someone else out? [audience laughs] My parents are still very, very religious. My dad was so religious growing up, he used to insist on praying out loud in restaurants before we ate dinner, which is fine if you’re into that but keep it short. [audience laughs] He wouldn’t do that. He would do long, drawn-out prayers full of personal details that none of us signed off on at the table which made puberty pretty rough with your dad in public just like, “Thank you Lord for this food. Thank you for bringing us here together. [shouting] Thank you that Taylor’s a woman now and is getting the help she needs in math.” I’m like, “Can you not tell this Chipotle that I’m bleeding and can’t subtract? [audience laughs] I think God knows.” It’s why I don’t feel bad telling jokes about my parents on stage now ’cause anytime they’re like, “Do you have to air our dirty laundry in front of strangers?” I’m like, “Hometown Buffet, 1998. [audience laughs] You told everyone within a five-booth radius that I shat my pants the night before. [audience laughs] I can say whatever I want. [audience laughs] I’m not religious anymore. I have had some friends find religion as adults recently which is very upsetting. [inhales deeply] [audience laughs] If you grew up religious and you’re not anymore and your adult friends find religion, it feels like God is your shitty ex-boyfriend who’s now getting it together for your friend and you just have to watch it happen on Facebook. They’re like, “Have you met God? He’s amazing.” I’m like, “Yeah, I grew up with God, he’s a douchebag, alright? Did he tell you you were broken and you need him? That’s his move. That’s what he does. [audience laughs] He says that to everybody. Don’t drink what he gives you. You drink that, the next thing you know, you’re eating his body, the holy spirit’s inside you, it’s a whole system they have over at that frat house they call church. [audience laughs] Who else uses Roman numerals?” [audience laughs] That joke makes it sound like I resent my religious upbringing and I do, so I nailed it. But… [audience cheers, claps] No, honestly, if I had to come up with some stuff that was like positive about my growing up religious, I’m sure I could with enough time and money but… [audience laughs] I do have some issues with it. It gave me some serious trust issues and it just made me weird, growing up in church, in ways that I am still discovering. For example, I just found out that I masturbate wrong. [audience laughs] I will back up. Okay, so… [audience laughs] When I was growing up in church, kids had youth group and at youth group, they were like, “Don’t have sex.” And we were like, “For sure, for sure.” And then, they were like, “Don’t even masturbate.” And all the girls were like, “Okay, we didn’t even know that we could.” [audience laughs] And all the boys were like, “Why?” And… [audience laughs] …the way they explained it to us was, our youth pastor told us, he goes, “It’s not the physical act of masturbating that’s the sin, you guys, alright? It’s not even the orgasm. In fact, if you have a wet dream, thank God for the freebie and have an awesome day. [audience laughs] But what are you thinking about while you’re doing that to yourself, guys? [scattered laughs] That’s what the sin is. It’s the lust in your heart. It’s the impure thoughts in your head. That is what the sin is.” So when I got to be an adult and I wanted to masturbate, I was like, “Well, if I just don’t think about anything, [audience laughs] I could probably still go to heaven, right? Just like, clear your mind, get in there, get it done, see you soon, Jesus, right? [audience laughs] Touch nothing but the lamb.” [audience laughs] [audience claps, cheers] So I’ve been doing this my entire adult life. All my friends are like, “You gotta meditate.” I’m like, “I think I do.” [audience laughs] And I do mean my entire adult life, by the way. I did not masturbate until I was a grown woman. I was that afraid of going to hell, alright? Yeah. I had my first orgasm with my college boyfriend. Do you know how embarrassing that is to get your first orgasm from another person? That’s like having a realtor show you your own house. [audience laughs] They’re like, “And over here, we have a second bathroom.” You’re like, “A second bathroom?” [audience laughs] “You’ve been here for 19 years, you never went poking around on your own?” You’re like, “I did once but I thought Jesus would get mad, [audience laughs] so yeah, I don’t actually own this place, I’m just renting it from the guy upstairs, and… if I flood the basement, I do not get my security deposit back, so… [audience laughs] Is there anything else I should see while you’re here?” She’s like, “Yeah, let me show you the doorbell.” I’m like, “Oh, is the doorbell even important?” She’s like, “The doorbell is the only thing that matters. [audience laughs, claps] Nobody comes inside without touching the doorbell.” [audience laughs] “Oh, but I did touch it.” “You didn’t use enough pressure, it didn’t light up.” [audience laughs] So I’ve been masturbating like this my entire adult life and I recently mentioned it to a friend of mine and you ever say something out loud and realize you never should have ever? [audience laughs] I said it so casually over brunch, didn’t even think about it. I was like, “Oh yeah, I mean, I don’t think about anything while I do that.” And she was like, “What?” She put her fork down. “What? [audience laughs] You don’t think about anything?” And I was like, “Oh, no, I mean, I think some stuff, obviously. And she was like, “What do you think about?” And I was like, “Oh, you know, just like, ‘almost there, making good time.’ [audience laughs] You know, just like road trip thoughts, like… ‘keep your hands steady, don’t fall asleep. Can’t wait to get there so I can eat. [audience laughs] Better hurry up, Taco Bell’s gonna close, ‘ you know.” [audience laughs] And she was like, “That is so weird, Taylor, why don’t you just watch porn like a normal person?” And I was like, “Ugh, I don’t like porn.” Every time I try to watch porn, I’m just like, “You gotta shave there, too? [audience laughs] I’m tired and I’m cold.” And I’m not against porn, okay? I’m not one of these people that’s like, “If you watch porn, it will ruin your relationship.” I don’t feel that way, alright? I dated a guy once who was really into massage porn where the masseuse would like fuck their client at the end which means sometimes when we had sex, I get a massage! [audience laughs, cheers] That’s an example of porn working for you! [audience laughs] But my friend was like horrified. She was like, “Taylor, this like monk masturbation thing you do, [audience laughs] it is so much creepier and weirder than any porn I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen most of it.” [audience laughs] And she goes, “There are so many different options porn-wise on the internet now, you… just go home and Google ‘porn for women’ okay? Just do it, I promise, ‘porn for women.'” And so I went home and I googled porn for women so I wouldn’t be weird at brunch. [audience laughs] And a lot of surprising things came up when I googled it. First thing that came up when I googled porn for women was a link to Disney Plus where all the Avengers movies are. Now… [audience laughs] For me, personally, they jump around too much. There’s too many storylines. You’re almost there with Loki and now we’re on Captain America? It’s like, I have to start over. That’s a different speed, a different pressure and now there’s a raccoon? No. [audience laughs] The second thing that came up when I googled porn for women was a website where real-life couples are uploading amateur sex tapes. Yeah, real-life couples are like, “Hey, we’re so happy and in love, we thought that we would film ourselves making love and then put it online for you, a lonely person. [audience laughs] Is it working? Are you wet?” And you’re like, “Not in the right place, no. [audience laughs] But congratulations, what you have seems really special.” [audience laughs] The last thing that came up when I googled porn for women I did not know existed, it’s something called audio porn. It’s exactly what it sounds like. There’s no visual aspect, it’s all audio. It’s not really a porn star, it’s more like a porn voice actor talking you through a sexy situation. It’s like a podcast except don’t listen while you’re driving. [audience laughs] And because it’s “for women,” that just means there’s a story, right? Anyone can watch, they don’t check. [audience laughs] They don’t just hop on the mic like, [shouting] “Now it’s out, bitch!” Like they ease you into it. And so the one I found is 20 minutes long. I will send it to you if you DM me. [audience laughs] And the first 12 minutes, the story, is just a man calming you down [audience laughs] after you’ve been in a car wreck. [audience laughs] That is the foreplay. [audience laughs] And you guys, I came so hard. I… [audience laughs, claps] I mean, I didn’t even make it to the sex part. It was the comfort alone. He’s like, “It’s okay, take some deep breaths, don’t worry.” “The insurance companies will figure it out.” I’m like, “Oh my God, that’s right!” [shouting] “That’s why we have insurance!” By the time he was like, “What else can I do? Should I go down on you?” I was like, “Nah, man, I got Allstate, I’m in good hands.” [audience laughs] Thank you so much, Boston, you were absolutely amazing. [audience cheers] Thank you so much. I can’t tell you, I really appreciate you. Thank you. [upbeat music] [audience cheers] You guys were amazing. Thank you so much, seriously. [audience claps, cheers] [upbeat music continues] | [audience cheering] Thank you so much! [cheering] Thank you! Thank you, guys, so much! Thank you! I so, so appreciate you guys being here. It’s been a rough couple of years. I got bangs at one point. Shit got dark. [audience laughs] I didn’t even want bangs. I just needed people to check on me. And it works, by the way. You post a selfie in bangs, everybody’s like, “Fire emoji. You go, girl!” Then they text you, like, “You okay?” [audience laughs] Here’s what I did. I got bangs and then two days later, I did mushrooms for the first time. [audience laughs] And as soon as I did those mushrooms, I was like, “I should’ve done these first. [audience laughs] Probably wouldn’t have gotten these bangs if I forgave myself, huh?” [audience laughs] But you know what? Having bangs feels exactly like being on mushrooms. The whole time, you’re just looking at your friends, like, “Do I look weird? [audience laughs] You guys would tell me if I looked weird, right? Is it… Is it bad different? Is it not good… You know what? I changed my mind. I don’t want to do it. It’s too late? It’s already happening? Okay, no, I can be this person.” I got back into therapy. Anybody in therapy? [audience cheers] Mostly women. That’s the problem. [audience laughs] It’s very hard to stay in therapy. My old therapist told me that when I get close to people, I have a tendency to self-sabotage. And I thought that was bullshit, so I ghosted her. [audience laughs] And then… I finally went back because I finally dated enough people who all gave me the exact same feedback about my shitty personality. You know, that romantic quota you hit where you’re, like, [laughing] “Uh-oh! Might be me! [audience laughs] Oh, the reviews are in and they are [blows raspberry] unanimous. That’s a bummer.” So after a really bad breakup a few years ago, I finally took a long hard look at myself and said, “Okay, Taylor, five out of five dudes all think that in fights, you behave like a raccoon trapped in a trash bag.” [audience laughs] “So maybe it’s time to get some Klonopin or a rabies shot.” [audience laughs] I am fully medicated now. Anybody else? Anti-depressants? [audience cheers] Medication? Yeah. Nice. What are we on? Shout it out. [audience shouting indistinctly] Zoloft, Lexapro. Oh! Look at us. Gang’s all here! [audience laughs] Oh my God! I’m also on something. I would never say what, that’s very personal, but… [audience laughs] No, I’m kidding. I’m on a few things. I am on Klonopin as needed for panic attacks. I’m so glad I have Klonopin now because before I had medication for it, I would have panic attacks right when I had to be somewhere, which is the worst time to get them ’cause then you just have to pinch the panic attack off like a shit you don’t have time to take. [audience laughs] You know what I mean? When you’re, like, “Okay, I got 60% of that out of my system. [audience laughs] I’m not done but I gotta go to work. [audience laughs] I will get to the other 40 later or I’ll finish in the big stall at lunch if no one’s in there. [audience laughs] I got put on something else for sleep because I have night terrors. There’s no fun, casual way to say that. [giggles] “Wake up screaming and…” [audience laughs] These sleeper time pills I got are great. They don’t stop the nightmares but they do hold you down while they’re happening. [audience laughs] Which sounds bad but before, I’d wake up in the middle so afraid and now, I stay asleep until the nightmare’s natural conclusion, [audience laughs] which provides you with some closure. [audience laughs] You’re like, “Oh, he stabs me at the end. [audience gasps] Okay, plot twist, M. Nightmare Shyamalan.” [audience laughs] I thought I was on an anti-depressant. It turns out I’m not. It turns out I’m actually on a mood stabilizer that they use as an anti-depressant. Fun fact about prescription drugs. Everything they prescribe, they actually use for, like, four different things. So you don’t really know what your deal is until you find a combo that works and then Google all your pills by yourself. [audience laughs] So after years of trial and error, I finally found a combination of things that worked for me, and six months ago, I decided to Google it ’cause what the hell. And it turns out that everything I’m taking is primarily used for bipolar disorder. So I went back to my psychiatrist and I was, like, “Hey. [audience laughs] Do we think…?” [audience laughs] And she was, like, “Oh! Yeah!” [audience laughs] And I was, like, “Is this how you fucking tell people?” [audience laughs] And she’s, like, “No, of course not. We didn’t know. I’m glad we figured it out.” And I was, like, “We?” [audience laughs] I said, “You really didn’t know that I was bipolar?” And she goes, “No, of course not. We thought we were treating anxiety and depression.” And I said, “Okay. ‘Cause this kinda feels like a putting your dog’s medication in cheese situation.” [audience laughs] And I was, like, “I don’t know how I feel about this diagnosis.” And she goes, “Well, if it makes you feel better, you don’t have to say, ‘I am bipolar.’ You can say, ‘I have bipolar.'” [audience chuckles] Which feels a lot like someone going, “I said you were being a bitch.” [audience laughs] I’m so glad I know that I’m bipolar now. I mean, I have the right meds, I got a mood ring, I’m handling it. [audience laughs] But when I first found out, it was a very tough pill to swallow. And I’ve swallowed a lot of pills. [audience laughs] Because when you first find out something like that, you’re, like, “Oh man, am I gonna tell anybody? Should I tell anybody? And if I do tell people, am I hot and/or talented enough to be an inspiration?” [audience laughs] [audience claps, cheers] Like, if I have a thing and someone else has that thing and they find out I have it too, are they gonna feel good or bad with that information? Because when I got diagnosed, they started listing names. They were, like, “You know who else is bipolar? Selena Gomez.” And I was, like, “That does make me feel better. [audience laughs] She is very pretty. [audience laughs] Okay, I’ll be bipolar.” [audience laughs] I did not grow up in a household that was very, like, mental health-conscious. Like, we were very religious. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to tell your conservative dad that you have a mental health issue. It doesn’t go great. When I was in high school, I was like, “Dad, I think I’m depressed.” And he was, like, “You just need some protein. Get a scoop of peanut butter.” [audience laughs] Yeah, there’s a lot of dads out there just white-knuckling it through life right now, clinging to a jar of chunky Jif like it’s the answer, just a buoy in the storm. “It’ll pass!” [audience laughs] The only mental health advice my dad ever gave me is I was having panic attacks in high school and I didn’t know what they were and I was very stressed out. And I was, like, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do when I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.” And he goes, “Alright. All I can tell you is that when you feel like this, get as far away from the people you care about as possible… [audience laughs] …until you feel different.” Which is advice you give a werewolf, like… [audience laughs] “Just run into the woods ’til you’re not a monster anymore. Don’t let them see you change. They won’t accept you for what you truly are.” [audience laughs] And I had friends who scared me too when I was trying to get on medication. They were, like, “Ugh, I tried. I tried anti-depressants. I didn’t like how I felt on them. I didn’t feel like myself.” And now that I’m on them, I’m, like, “Yeah, me neither! It’s the best.” [audience laughs] Okay? And I do feel like myself. I just feel like now someone’s sitting on me going, “Shh! [audience laughs] Stop talking. You will ruin everything. We are… We are trying to help you. You’d be married right now if you just shut the hell up. [audience laughs] Remember that? Yeah, us too. We are trying to help you. Go to sleep. Choose a different adventure.” [audience laughs] And they warn you about the side effects when you get on medication. They go, “You know, your sex drive might go down.” And I’ll be honest, I have experienced that since I got on medication, but I can’t tell if my sex drive is lower or if my self-esteem is just higher now. [audience laughs] You know? [audience claps, cheers] It’s, like, am I not in the mood, or do I just not need the validation? Which is it? Because depression will bring you to your knees and you’re, like, “While I’m down here, might as well make someone feel good. I… do not want to waste a trip.” [audience whoops] If you’re not laughing, congrats on your serotonin. [audience laughs] And if you’re, like, “What’s serotonin?” Don’t worry. You have enough. [audience laughs] I wasn’t sure if I was gonna talk about it on stage, and then I needed new material and I was, like, “Fire sale! Everything goes.” [audience laughs] No, truthfully, I was surprised that I felt so bad about it ’cause I think I’m pretty open-minded. And I don’t think anybody should feel bad if they get diagnosed with a mental illness ’cause it’s just information about you that helps you know how to take better care of yourself. [audience cheers] Yeah. Being bipolar, there’s nothing wrong with it. Being bipolar is like not knowing how to swim. It might be embarrassing to tell people and it might be hard to take you certain places. [audience laughs] [audience continues laughing] But they have arm floaties. [audience laughs] And if you just take your arm floaties, you can go wherever the hell you want. [audience laughs] And… I know some of you are, like, “But Taylor, what if people judge me for taking arm floaties?” Well, those people don’t care if you live or die, so maybe who cares? [audience whoops] Maybe fuck those people a little. [audience cheers] I don’t know. That being said, you have to take your arm floaties [audience laughs] because it’s not cool to know you can’t swim, go to the public pool anyway, and jump into the deep end, making it everyone else’s problem. [audience laughs] And you thrash around going, “I’m good!” They’re like, “You’re literally drowning.” And then someone nice and handsome jumps in to help you. And you’re, like, “See? I’m fine. I can totally swim.” And they’re, like, “No, you’re holding him underwater. [audience laughs] You turned Kevin into an arm floaty [audience laughs] and that’s not a fair relationship for Kevin.” [audience laughs] Then someone floats by you on their back and you’re, like, “What was that?” And they’re, like, “Oh, that’s someone whose parents supported them in the pool… [audience laughs] …until they could be trusted not to die. [audience laughs] Here are your arm floaties.” [audience laughs] I was very nervous to tell friends of mine I was bipolar because I thought they would think of me differently. And then I told all my friends and nobody did and it was actually pretty insulting. [audience laughs] Because I’ve had friends tell me they were bipolar and I was, like, “What? You? You’re kidding.” And then I told my friends and they were, like, “That checks out. That’s… [audience laughs] That connects a lot of dots for us.” I told Dustin, one of my best friends in the whole world, and he goes, “Yeah, your mental illness was kinda like your middle name. I didn’t know what it was but I knew that you had one.” [audience laughs] It’s really good. That was not the feedback I kept getting from romantic partners, by the way. [audience laughs] That’s not what finally made me get help. Every guy I’ve ever dated has told me I have trust issues, which is something liars say when you’re on to them. [audience laughs] [in deep voice] “You have trust issues, babe.” You have a hot co-worker and a locked phone, so… [audience laughs] I have trust issues but I earned them, okay? [audience laughs] I absolutely earned them, like, I got cheated on in college. My college boyfriend was sleeping with sex workers behind my back, or prostitutes if you’re old and don’t know that word’s not okay to use anymore. Sometimes older crowd members could get confused ’cause they’re, like, “What is a sex worker?” “Is that what my granddaughter does on Instagram?” [audience laughs] And you’re, like, “No, no, no, she’s just hot. That’s a FabFitFun box.” “That’s a different…” [audience laughs] “That’s a different thing.” [audience laughs] “Your granddaughter doesn’t… That’s not a job.” “That’s not real.” [audience laughs] You can’t say prostitute anymore. Calling a sex worker a prostitute is like calling a comedian a clown. You’re not technically wrong but you are a fucking asshole, so… [audience laughs] But I told my therapist I got cheated on like this and she didn’t say what I wanted her to say, which was, “Poor baby, sweetie, this session is free.” [audience laughs] Instead, she goes, “Well, you might be a self-fulfilling prophecy.” And I was like, “Oh!” And she’s like, “No, it’s a bad thing.” And I was like, [audience laughs] “Well, then could you say I have self-fulfilling prophecy? [audience laughs] Is Selena Gomez a self-fulfilling prophecy?” [audience laughs] And I said, “What does that mean, I’m a self-fulfilling prophecy?” And she goes, “Well, sometimes we expect someone to treat us poorly, so we treat them like they’re going to treat us poorly until they do.” “You thought someone was gonna cheat on you, so you treated them like they were gonna cheat on you until they did cheat on you, and then you were like, ‘See?'” [audience chuckles] And I was like, “Oh.” [audience laughs] “So I’m a witch.” [audience laughs] [audience claps, cheers] And she’s like, “Oh! So close. You’re a bitch.” “You gotta…” [audience laughs] I’m like, “Whatever. All I heard was Gryffindor!” [audience laughs] I am working on my trust issues. I was so much worse when I first started seeing my therapist. I told her like first session, I was like, “The guy I’m dating keeps answering my phone calls, ‘Hey, beautiful?'” [audience laughs] And she’s like, “So, what’s the problem?” I was like, “I mean, I don’t know yet.” [audience laughs] “But when I find out who ‘Beautiful’ is…” [audience laughs] She’s like, “Do you think it might be you?” I was like, “I’m sorry. I thought we were here to work.” [audience laughs] I think I’m cute or whatever now, but I was an ugly kid with honest parents, and that shit stays in your bones, alright? If you were an ugly kid with honest parents, I don’t care how attractive you grow up to be, at any point, if someone’s like, “You look really nice today,” you’re like, “Yeah, whatever. I know the Goddamn truth.” [audience laughs] When I was ten, I said, “Dad, am I pretty?” And his response was, “Look.” [audience laughs] “I’m not the best looking guy, right?” “No, but I wake up every morning and I try.” [audience laughs] “I…” “I take a shower, I put on a nice suit, and I do okay!” [audience whoops] And then he went to work. [audience laughs] And I became a comedian, I guess. [audience laughs] That was his response to his ten-year-old daughter. Just like, “You and me, potato face, these were the cards we were dealt.” “Get clean and match.” “That’s all you can do. Don’t sleep on wet hair. Can’t do that.” “Maybe wear a hat sometimes. Cover up some of that head.” “I’m sorry there’s so much of it.” [audience laughs] I think I’m pretty. I have a big head. I know I do ’cause every guy I’ve ever dated has made a point to be like, “I love your big head.” [audience laughs] That’s my favorite thing guys do when they compliment the thing you hate most about yourself, they’re like, “I love your soft arms.” You’re like, “Okay. [audience laughs] Yeah? I love your weird balls. How does it feel? [audience laughs] [audience cheers] How does it feel to be accepted?” [audience chuckles] I’m a nightmare to date. [audience laughs] Anything nice you do or say, I’m just like, “Whatever.” I dated a guy once who told me that flirting with me was like punching water. [audience laughs] And I was like, “Why? ‘Cause it’s pointless or ’cause you look stupid doing it?” [audience laughs] He’s like, “Did you hear it?” I’m like, “I heard it that time. Yeah.” [audience laughs] And then he cheated on me, so, you know, prophecy fulfilled! [audience laughs] I can’t help it. At the beginning of a relationship with a guy, I just assume anything nice he does is he a move he pulls on everybody and I’m not gonna fall for your choreography, sir. [audience laughs] I’m like, “Oh, is this… is this your move? You open the car door for me on the date? [woman laughs] Is this like your move? [chuckles] This is how you do it? That’s cute. Bet that works a lot.” [audience laughs] “Oh, is this… is this your move? You go with me to my grandpa’s funeral, hold an umbrella over my head in the rain? [audience laughs] Is this like… Is this like your move? This is how you do it? [audience laughs] Like, ‘Whoops, don’t get wet.’ ‘Oops! I am.’ Whatever. [audience laughs, cheers] This ain’t my first rodeo. I used to have two grandpas.” [audience laughs] [audience chuckles] “Oh, is this… Is this your move? [audience chuckles] You die next to me in a hospital bed at 86 years old holding my hand for all eternity? Is this like your move? This is how you get pussy?” [audience laughs] He’s like, “We’ve been together for 60 years.” I’m like, “You’re a fuckboy and I know it! [audience laughs] Don’t bury me with this guy. He’s been dying with other people behind my back. [audience laughs] I can’t prove it. Check his phone when he uses the bedpan.” [audience laughs] And that’s why we’re in therapy. [audience laughs] People are scared to go to therapy because they think it’s someone sitting in a chair going, “You suck.” But it’s not. It’s you in a chair going, “I suck.” [audience laughs] And then your therapist is like, “That’s great. Let’s start there.” [audience laughs] Therapy just helps you to get to the bottom of why you’re trash, okay? You go into therapy and you’re like, “Here’s all the stuff that sucks about me.” And she goes, “Okay.” And she puts it all up on the wall like you’re solving a crime together. Fun! [audience laughs] And then she gets some of that red string that detectives use at home when they’ve been thrown off the case for going rogue [audience laughs] and she starts connecting each crappy thing about you to each one of your corresponding childhood traumas, and you’re like, “Oh my God! That’s why I’m like this.” And she’s like, “That’s why you’re like this.” And you’re like, “Am I fixed now?” And she’s like, “God, no! [audience laughs] No, no, no.” You’re like, “Well, what do I do now?” She’s like, “Well, you keep coming back in here every week with your credit card.” And you’re like, “What? Will I ever be fixed?” She’s like, “I don’t know. Bring your credit card!” [audience laughs] I’ve got to the bottom of a lot of stuff in therapy. I’m an emotional eater. I don’t know if anybody else identifies with that. [audience whoops] Cool. Seven people. Everyone else is like, “No, we just eat until we’re almost full and then we thank God for the opportunity, okay.” [audience laughs] “Food is just fuel for me.” If you’re one of those, fuck right off, for real. [audience laughs] I’ll refund your money. I don’t need your support. [audience cheers] I’m doing fine. If you don’t know what an emotional eater is, it just means you like eat to cope with uncomfortable feelings. So if I’m like sad or anxious or awake, I like to be eating to take the edge off. [audience laughs] If you still don’t know if that’s you, you can ask yourself a few questions to find out. Number one. When you eat nachos in public, do you get kinda mad that other people are there to see it? [audience laughs] Do you feel like nachos should come with a privacy curtain? I do. [audience laughs] Have all the best meals of your life taken place in your own car around 11 p.m.? [audience laughs] Under a flickering streetlamp? Have you ever eaten a brownie while you felt okay [audience laughs] and wished you were sad… [audience laughs] …so that it tasted better? [audience laughs] Sounds like more than seven of us. [audience laughs] In therapy, I figured out the day in my childhood I became an emotional eater. I was eight years old and I was eating a bagel in the kitchen and my dad came in and he goes, “You’re gonna want to put that bagel down. I gotta tell you something.” And that’s when he told me that my mom had died. So somewhere in my brain, something clicked, like, “Oh, when you stop eating bread, [audience laughs] people perish.” [audience laughs] I went back to fourth grade like the angel of death. Everyone’s like, “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back.” I’m like, “Stop eating bread, now your mom’s dead, dude. [audience laughs] They left out that second part but…” I had a lisp when I was eight. I tell you guys that because no one told me. [audience laughs] They pulled me aside a year later at school. Someone’s like, “Taylor, your teacher thinks you might be struggling with a speech impediment.” I’m like, [with lisp] “What’s a speech impediment? [audience laughs] [with lisp] Are you sure you have the right person, ’cause… I’m crushing it out there.” [audience laughs] And they’re like, “You didn’t do anything wrong. You just pronounce your words a little differently, like you say “sh” instead of “ss” for your S’s, does that make sense? And I was like, [with lisp] “I’m pretty sure I would have noticed [audience laughs] if I said ‘sh’ instead of ‘sh’. Hope you find who you’re looking for. [audience laughs] If you have any follow-up questions, I’ll be on the see-saw.” [audience laughs] I know dead mom jokes make people uncomfortable. I know that and if you are uncomfortable, I don’t know what to say, you should’ve worked harder so it was you up here. [audience laughs, cheers] No, honestly, I never want to make people feel uncomfortable with that information. So much so that I used to lie to everybody. Growing up, I used to tell everybody that my parents were separated so I wouldn’t have to say my mom’s dead. And that worked very well until recently a friend of mine found out I had lied and she was very upset. [audience laughs] She was like, “Your mom’s dead? Taylor, you told me your parents were separated.” And I was like, “Well, they were! [audience laughs] By Jesus.” [audience laughs] Both her parents are alive, so she has no idea how funny that is but… [audience laughs] She’ll get it eventually, right? Like that joke is a slow burn. [audience laughs] Kinda like cancer, which is what got mine, hey oh! [audience laughs] Okay, alright. [audience laughs] [groans] Here’s the deal, Boston. [audience laughs] We have another, like, six minutes of dead mom jokes. [audience laughs] I know. You’re getting like, “Whoa, no, six minutes is a long time.” It won’t feel long. I have cushioned her, alright? [audience laughs] I have laid my dead mom to rest in a beautiful casket of dick jokes and pop culture references. There’s something for everybody over the next six minutes. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll forget she’s dead. [audience laughs] But I know a lot’s happening for you as a crowd right now because you’re like, “Taylor, we’re good people. Good people wouldn’t laugh at dead mom jokes.” I’m here to tell you that if you’re trying to be a good person at a comedy show, you’re wasting your God damn time. [audience laughs] Trying to be a good person at a comedy show is like trying to recycle at a theme park. You’re already in here and part of the problem, put your hands up and have fun. [audience laughs] And I know you’re good people. You’re like, “Taylor, we’ve known you for 25 minutes. We hate that anything bad ever happened to you even once.” Thank you so much, Boston. But what you have to understand is the bad thing already happened and now I’m talking about it into a microphone in front of people who paid to be here, [audience laughs] which means now the bad thing is money. [audience laughs] Do you think I’d be this successful at my age if I had a live mom? [audience laughs] [audience whoops] [shouts] Fuck no! [audience laughs] I’d be a creative writing teacher who loved myself and I’d be sitting in the dark with you pheasants, okay? [audience laughs] She’s in heaven, I’m on Netflix, it all worked out. [audience cheers] That is a real thing I said in therapy. [audience laughs] To which my therapist responded, “You should come in twice this week.” [audience laughs] Some people get sad because I was eight when it happened. But eight is a great time to lose a parent because you’re so stupid, you barely know what’s going on. When I was eight, I was like, the only people I know with dead moms are Disney princesses. [audience chuckles] So like, this sucks but am I about to get hot? [audience laughs] Then I hit puberty and I was like, “Oh no, I guess God just hates me right now, that’s a bummer.” That’s a joke. God doesn’t hate anybody, alright? Not anymore. [audience laughs] But have you read the Old Testament? Holy shit. [audience laughs] The Old Testament is my favorite Taylor Swift album. It is… [audience laughs] It is banger after banger. Just like, “You don’t believe in me? [in singsong voice] Snakes! Look what you made me do.” [audience laughs] I’m a 20-something white woman, obviously, I’m gonna compare T. Swift to the Lord, alright? [audience laughs] She is the only god I still believe in, alright? [audience cheers] I don’t see God God revamping his old shit and let’s be honest, he probably should ’cause the people who own it now suck. [audience laughs, cheers] It does grow you up very quickly, losing a parent that young. I mean, I saw a dead body when I was eight which means I saw a dead body years before I saw a dick. And that is not the order that shit should go in [audience laughs] according to the American Girl Body book. [audience laughs] Although maybe it should be ’cause you know what’s crazy? A dick? Way more traumatizing than your dead mom. [audience laughs] Oh my God, it’s so much worse. I saw my mom, I was like, “That lady used to make me snacks, now she’s very still.” I saw a dick for the first time, I was like, “Oh my God! Who took Jabba the Hutt’s eyes? [audience laughs] You have done nothing for me. No, no, no. No, I didn’t say Beetlejuice even one time!” [audience laughs] I haven’t seen that many dicks and I don’t want to see any more and it’s nothing against men, I’m attracted to you for some reason but I swear to God, every time you see a new dick, there is an adjustment period, isn’t there? [audience laughs] Just a real quick like… [huffs deeply] and we’re back in it, alright. [audience laughs] I have stayed in relationships too long ’cause I just wasn’t ready to see a fresh one. I just couldn’t [audience laughs] couldn’t wrap my head around it, literally or figuratively. I just… I just didn’t have it in me, couldn’t have it in me. And… [audience laughs] I don’t care how many dicks you’ve seen, every time you see a new dick, it feels like jumping into a cold pool. Just like, [nervously] “Alright, let me just swim around, get used to this one.” “Okay, alright, this one’s deeper than the last one but that’s okay.” “That’s alright. This is why we take our arm floaties, you know, for moments like these.” [audience claps, cheers] [grunting] Just control your breathing, hot girl summer, bitch, you can do it. [audience laughs] I think of the genitalia options available, I think dick seem friendlier, you know. They’re up, they’re happy to see you, they’re wagging, I’ve never had sex. [audience laughs] It’s like a front tail, right? [audience laughs] I’ll Google it, it’s fine. It’s all speculation. I’ve never seen a vagina, not even my own, I’m a Christian. [audience laughs] But from what I hear, it is very spooky down there. It’s just a dark spooky hole, like, a hole? I’m sorry, what? Every time someone fingers me, I’m like, “You are very trusting, sir, because…” [audience laughs] “…I don’t even know where that goes.” “That might be where I keep the bipolar. That might be…” [audience laughs] “…where it has been… actually, if you see any, could you scrape it out?” “Could you…” [audience laughs] “…just like a mental health Pap smear?” “Can you just do…” [audience laughs] Don’t do that. Like, you gotta hook your finger, like when a baby’s choking, are you familiar? If you do that, it’ll push it in too far, it’s too late. But if you hook your finger, you swipe it, that’s how you get it out. [audience laughs] I like doing that joke because it goes too far but you do learn something that could save a life. [audience laughs] I just love the idea of years from now, someone being like, “If it weren’t for that dick joke, my niece would not be here.” [audience laughs] The craziest thing that happened is my mom died of cancer. See? You almost forgot. [audience laughs] And then my dad got remarried and then our stepmom got cancer. She’s fine, don’t worry. I wouldn’t do that to you twice. [audience laughs] That’s God talking to my dad. And… As soon as our stepmom got it, me and my siblings were like, “Holy shit.” “Is Dad giving people cancer?” [audience laughs] We thought he was a carcinogen. We were like, “Don’t microwave anything for him.” [audience laughs] “I think that’s how he’s doing it.” If he had taken down a second one, we would’ve put a warning on his Christian Mingle account. Like bare minimum, just like, “Hey, chemicals in here have been known to cause cancer.” “Ride at your own risk.” [audience laughs] I feel like some people don’t believe me that she’s alive. She’s completely fine, you guys. She’s happy, healthy, great lady. We actually call my stepmom Mom because when my dad married her, nobody was using it. So we were like, “Yeah, be Mom, who cares.” [audience laughs] Oh, I’m sorry, if your principal quit and you got a new principal, they wouldn’t be like, “This is Lisa.” Like… [audience laughs] Let her be principal, there is an opening. [audience laughs] Also, we were so young when it happened and my dad got remarried so fast, I think he was kinda hoping he could just like Indiana Jones switch them out [audience laughs] before anybody noticed. You know when you’re a kid and your hamster dies and your parents don’t want to explain death to you so they just buy you a new one that looks the same and they’re like, “No, that’s Connie, she just bites now.” [audience laughs] That’s kinda what he did. But with moms. But I never used to talk about any of that, I never used to talk about my mom dying because I didn’t want to make people uncomfortable and also, like most of us with childhood trauma, should be pretty much everyone in here. If you’re sitting here tonight going, “I don’t think I have any, I have great parents, I had a good childhood and this ‘comedy show’? It’s not that fun for me.” [audience laughs] Good. [audience laughs] I hope this is the worst night of your whole life. [audience laughs] ‘Cause it sounds like it’s been smooth sailing [audience laughs] and you might need some perspective. Most of us did have some childhood trauma and when you get to be an adult, you’re like, “Woo, made it! Never have to think about that again. Look at all my keys. The world’s my oyster.” [audience laughs] And so you just start pushing all that dark stuff that happened to you as a kid down, down, down ’til you don’t even think about it anymore. And that works for a long time. [audience chuckles] Until one day, [audience laughs] you stub your toe really hard on a curb and you just start weeping uncontrollably in the street and you’re like, “Okay, this is about something else. [audience laughs] I was keeping all my trauma in that toe. [audience laughs] And then I jostled it and now it’s everywhere. [audience laughs] [whispering] Gone over here.” [audience laughs] And if you don’t deal with that stuff, it’s gonna keep affecting you in ways you are not even conscious of. I realized in therapy that because my mom died young, I have this irrational belief that I am also going to die young, so I’ve been living in a very intense unhealthy way my entire adult life where I’m like, I can’t take a break, I gotta be working all the time, I have to hit these goals and achievements, otherwise I’m nothing. I got engaged a few years ago ’cause I was like, “I gotta get married before I’m dead” which is a super hot way to propose to somebody. [audience laughs] I call it “The Walk to Remember,” it’s kinda my move and… [audience claps] It did not work out with my ex-fiancé. I hate that I have to say that word now. It sounds like a spell, doesn’t it? [shouting] Just like, “Ex-fiancé!” It’s terrible. [audience laughs] He and I are not friends, not ’cause he’s a bad person, he’s actually a very good person. I don’t know if you’ve dated someone right before they find out they’re bipolar but it is what is known as “The Lord’s work.” [audience laughs] I think I was a great partner if nothing went wrong. If nothing went wrong, I was like, awesome. But if one thing went wrong, total nightmare. Like, I was like those spikes you drive over when you’re returning a rental car. Like as long as you keep moving forward, everything’s great. But if you back up even a little, I will slash all your tires. [audience laughs] And then be like, “What? I put up a sign.” [audience laughs] And you’re like, “I know, I mean, I know I messed up a little but like this reaction seems cra… like other speed bumps don’t react like that.” And I’m like, “Then go be with her!” [audience laughs] [chuckles] We are not friends, my ex-fiancé and I, because I think it’s weird when exes try to be friends with each other and they’re like, “We’ll hang out, we’ll get fro yo.” You’re like, “Fro yo? I know what you taste like. I’m not gonna sample yogurt with you, [audience laughs] you psycho. Do they have Kevin after a run, do they have that flavor at Yogurtland?” They do, it’s salted caramel, but still. [audience cheers, claps] I went back home after I called off my engagement for whatever holiday doesn’t offend you and… [audience laughs] …a lot of my friends are settling down. Some of them are just settling, period, end of sentence. [audience laughs] You guys know those couples? Everyone knows one couple like that where like one person in the couple is way hotter and cooler than the other person in the couple. I like to call those couples chocolate-covered raisins. [audience laughs] Because you’re like sure, you could put those two together, if you want. [audience laughs] But every time you see them, you’re like, “Chocolate, what are you doing? [audience laughs] You could’ve been with anybody. You could’ve been with caramel, you could’ve been with marshmallow, you could’ve been with peanut butter, who I heard cures depression, [audience laughs] and you want to be with raisin forever? Like, no offense, raisin, you’re great, we love you, nature’s candy, that’s you. But you belong with like oatmeal, like, you know that, right? This doesn’t feel good, right? Aren’t you scared every day that someone’s gonna come along and suck chocolate right off of you? [audience laughs] I love this joke ’cause I like to see couples in the audience looking at each other like, “Am I chocolate or raisin? [audience laughs] We’re both chocolate, right, babe? We’re chocolate-covered chocolate? We’re like those little Lindor guys in the foil, you know? I’m the creamy part and you’re the shell [sobbing] ’cause you’re so strong and if you leave me, I’ll be a mess.” [audience laughs] Some of you are like, “I am oatmeal and I am good with it.” [audience laughs] I made the mistake of talking to my happiest married friend after I called off my engagement, don’t do that. Your happiest married friend doesn’t remember what it’s like to be heartbroken. She’s like, “Well, what are you gonna do now? You’re gonna get back out there? Are you seeing anybody?” And I was like, “Nope, just gonna focus on my career for a little bit.” And she’s like, “Well, why can’t you focus on a career and a relationship at the same time?” And I was like, “How do I explain this [audience chuckles] in a way you might understand? [muttering] Why can’t I focus on a career and a relationship? Have you ever been on the freeway in traffic and your lane stops but the one next to you keeps moving, so you get in the one that’s moving, and as soon as you get in the one that’s moving, that one stops and the one next to you starts moving again. So you get back in that first one ’cause that one’s moving now and as soon as you get back in that first one, that one stops again and the one next to you starts moving. And after you go back and forth a few more times, at a certain point, you’re like, “Okay. Is it fucking me?” [audience laughs] And she’s like, “Yeah, I don’t know if I get it because you know, John and I, we usually just boop, get in the carpool lane. [audience laughs] And I was like, “Where’s your baby? Imma drop it!” [audience laughs] I actually did get into a new relationship pretty quickly after I called off my engagement. I wasn’t trying to, I really wasn’t. A lot of my friends were like, “You should stay single for a while. You should maybe get a cat.” And I was like, hard pass. I have never left an interaction with a cat feeling better about who I was. [audience laughs] Every cat reacts to people the way I react to seeing girls I went to middle school with in a Target. Just like… [audience laughs] [shouts] Oh, no! Like that’s every cat. [audience laughs] I don’t want to come home to that energy. [audience laughs] But I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was trying to have like a fun, sexy fling which doesn’t usually go great for me because I have this round wholesome face that people think they should build a life with. [audience laughs] Every time I’m like, “We could bone or whatever.” Guys are like, “No, I’m alright but you could meet my mom, do you want to do that? You seem like you’d be better at meeting my mom than having sex.” And they are not wrong, alright? [audience laughs] I will meet your mom all night long. Moms like me so much for no reason. I was dating a guy years ago, we were totally on the rocks having problems, and I went to lunch with his mom hoping to get some advice, and halfway through lunch, she puts her hand on my hand and goes, “You know, Taylor, my son’s a lot like his father. [audience chuckles] And if I could go back in time, [audience laughs] I don’t know that I’d marry his father again.” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Are you saving my life in this Panera Bread right now?” [audience laughs] It was like a movie when an older character sacrifices themselves for the good of the journey, like she Gandalfed me. She was like, “Fly, you fool!” [audience laughs] She was a bad mom and a bad wife but such a good friend, oh my God! Hoes before sons, am I right? [audience laughs] I think about her every day. And my boyfriend wasn’t looking for a relationship either when we met, straight dudes usually aren’t, you know. Women are surprised when they find a guy who can make them cum and straight dudes are surprised when they find a girl who can make them feel genuine feelings in their heart. Like women are like, “He got me off three times.” And guys are like, [in low voice] “I mean, I just fucking like her, dude. [audience laughs] [in low voice] Like we talked all day, I didn’t want to hit her, it was nuts! [audience laughs] She’s just like my friend. I don’t know, I want to like lick her heart, I think.” [audience laughs] Straight dudes are so proud of themselves for falling in love. It’s really cute. They’re like, [in low voice] “I love you. Hell yeah, buddy, I knew you could get there.” [audience laughs] Women fall in love, we’re like, “I love you. [whispering] Fucking again? You dumb bitch. [audience laughs] You were supposed to love you first, you keep skipping that part! [audience laughs] It is eat, pray, then love! [audience laughs] Oh my God. It’s okay, we’ll try again in a year and a half.” [audience laughs] My boyfriend is seven years older than me ’cause I needed to get back on my dad for some stuff. [audience laughs] Older guys are just better. They’re just better, you never have to ask them to buy Pepto Bismol, they just have it in the house. [audience laughs] They pull it out after dinner like a nightcap, like, “You want some pink juice, baby girl?” You’re like, “Yes, I would, cheers.” [audience laughs] Older guys don’t call you things like “cute” or “hot.” They call you things like “stunning, gorgeous,” shit with syllables, things that would take a 20-something guy a little while to settle down. [audience laughs] And older guys aren’t like, cute or hot either. You know, they’re handsome, distinguished, like old pictures of your grandpa you shouldn’t look at too long. [audience laughs] You ever find one of those in an old dusty box? You’re like, “Who is that? Oh, that’s wrong. Okay.” [audience laughs] They’re not your family in those pictures yet. They’re just the past, it is a gray area. [audience laughs] Oh, I’ll get weirder. You ever see a picture of your parents when they were young and hot? And you get like weirdly mad ’cause you know they would’ve never dated you? [audience laughs] I saw a picture of my dad in college football once. I didn’t talk to him for three weeks. I’m like, “You would’ve left me at a drive-in, you Danny Zuko piece of shit!” [audience laughs] He’s like, “What?” I’m like, “I can’t hug you for a year and I don’t want to talk about it.” [audience laughs] It’s always awkward getting into a new relationship, though, especially right after you called off an engagement because you don’t feel like you can say any cheesy romantic crap ever again. Even if you feel it, you just feel like you’re a jinx. So when the next person is like, “I wanna be with you forever.” You’re like, “Oh, wouldn’t that be something? [audience laughs] I can’t… I can’t use the F-word anymore but I just need to build my credit back up but… [audience laughs] …samesies, bro, for sure.” New relationships are awkward ’cause you gotta tell a whole new person what you like in bed and the only reason you know what you like in bed is ’cause someone else did it to you first. [audience laughs] But you can’t say it like that, right? You gotta do that cute little tap dance of like, “Oh, babe, you know what would be so fun that’s never even occurred to me before?” “You know what your body is inspiring me to do right now?” But in your head, you’re just like, “Do it like Craig. Could you just…” [audience laughs] “Do it how Craig did it every time?” “Craig didn’t do shit right, he did that right, let me tell you.” “Can we just call him?” “Can we just call him and ask?” [audience laughs] “It’s not a big deal, we’re all adults here.” “Remember we reset the Wi-Fi router last month?” “It’s just like that, babe. He’s just a voice on the phone with the password.” [audience laughs] “That’s all he is to me now.” “No, I did block his number when you asked me to, of course I did.” “But when you block a number, your phone kinda just saves it in a different folder.” [audience laughs] Oh, some of us are gonna fight in the car, not everybody knew that. [audience laughs] You have to be able to talk about what you like in bed and you have to know what you can and can’t say, alright? Like I’ve been telling guys for years I like it a little rougher in bed. I don’t say it like that, I say like, “Oh, I’m damaged,” you know. [audience laughs] If you’re a straight guy, don’t say that. If a straight dude’s like, [in low voice] “I’m damaged,” fucking run! That guy… that guy wants your toes in a baggy. So… [audience laughs] Sometimes you think you like something and you don’t. I thought I like dirty talk, turns out, I just like dirty phrases we agreed upon earlier. [audience laughs] You ever tell someone you like dirty talk and then they hit you with something in bed and you’re like, “Nah, that was not approved by corporate, no.” [audience laughs] I was having sex with a guy once, I was on top and he just went, [shouting] “Look at you!” [audience laughs] [audience laughs, cheers] Like I was taking my first steps. [audience laughs] I’m like, “You better get the camcorder, daddy, ’cause I am never getting up here again.” [audience laughs] My parents don’t watch me do stand-up anymore, don’t worry. [audience laughs] Don’t worry, they’re not interested. No Christian parents want to watch their daughter talk about depression and dick for an hour. It’s not fun for them. [audience laughs] My parents don’t have a dark sense of humor and I do, and I’m glad I do because if you can laugh at the darkest stuff that’s ever happened to you while it’s still actively happening to you, sometimes that’s what gets you through it. For example, here’s a joke they will not like. [audience laughs] Did you guys know that sometimes when you call a suicide hotline and the call drops, they do not call you back? [audience laughs] Yeah, you think that’d be the time for star 69 but sometimes they just ring a bell in the cubicle, like, “Lost another one, that’s lunch!” [audience laughs] Some of you are tensing up like, “Did that really happen?” Yeah, a few years ago and it was fucking hilarious. I was on the floor of a DoubleTree Hotel, like, “Did this bitch just ghost me while I’m trying to ghost myself?” “That is…” [audience laughs] “I mean, I’ve been left on read, I’ve never been left for dead.” “That’s a new one.” [audience laughs] “That is brutal.” I wasn’t even mad. For all I know, that’s how they train those volunteers. Like, “Hey, some nights, we get too many calls. [audience laughs] Fridays are big for us, in those situations, you’re just gonna have to use your best judgment, alright? Like I usually wait for like a privileged white girl name, like a Chelsea, a Kelsey, a Taylor. Those are the salmon I throw back and hope they swim upstream on their own.” [audience laughs] Even if I was mad, what am I gonna do, hop on Yelp? Like, “One star, totally killed myself. [audience laughs] You’re gonna wish I killed myself after this review.” [audience laughs] I did that joke in Texas a few weeks ago and there was a girl, white, my age in the crowd who goes, [shouting] “And the wait times are ridiculous!” [audience laughs] And she’s right, okay? I think, personally, I think if you are a frequent caller, there should be some sort of rewards program. You know, like when you show loyalty to an airline. Like, you should be able to do that with suicide hotlines where you call in and they’re like, [in robotic voice] “Please enter your rewards number.” Boop, boop, boop. “Welcome back… [sobbing] Taylor. [audience laughs] Thank you for your diamond medallion status. You are now third in line. Would you like to use an upgrade and kick someone else out? [audience laughs] My parents are still very, very religious. My dad was so religious growing up, he used to insist on praying out loud in restaurants before we ate dinner, which is fine if you’re into that but keep it short. [audience laughs] He wouldn’t do that. He would do long, drawn-out prayers full of personal details that none of us signed off on at the table which made puberty pretty rough with your dad in public just like, “Thank you Lord for this food. Thank you for bringing us here together. [shouting] Thank you that Taylor’s a woman now and is getting the help she needs in math.” I’m like, “Can you not tell this Chipotle that I’m bleeding and can’t subtract? [audience laughs] I think God knows.” It’s why I don’t feel bad telling jokes about my parents on stage now ’cause anytime they’re like, “Do you have to air our dirty laundry in front of strangers?” I’m like, “Hometown Buffet, 1998. [audience laughs] You told everyone within a five-booth radius that I shat my pants the night before. [audience laughs] I can say whatever I want. [audience laughs] I’m not religious anymore. I have had some friends find religion as adults recently which is very upsetting. [inhales deeply] [audience laughs] If you grew up religious and you’re not anymore and your adult friends find religion, it feels like God is your shitty ex-boyfriend who’s now getting it together for your friend and you just have to watch it happen on Facebook. They’re like, “Have you met God? He’s amazing.” I’m like, “Yeah, I grew up with God, he’s a douchebag, alright? Did he tell you you were broken and you need him? That’s his move. That’s what he does. [audience laughs] He says that to everybody. Don’t drink what he gives you. You drink that, the next thing you know, you’re eating his body, the holy spirit’s inside you, it’s a whole system they have over at that frat house they call church. [audience laughs] Who else uses Roman numerals?” [audience laughs] That joke makes it sound like I resent my religious upbringing and I do, so I nailed it. But… [audience cheers, claps] No, honestly, if I had to come up with some stuff that was like positive about my growing up religious, I’m sure I could with enough time and money but… [audience laughs] I do have some issues with it. It gave me some serious trust issues and it just made me weird, growing up in church, in ways that I am still discovering. For example, I just found out that I masturbate wrong. [audience laughs] I will back up. Okay, so… [audience laughs] When I was growing up in church, kids had youth group and at youth group, they were like, “Don’t have sex.” And we were like, “For sure, for sure.” And then, they were like, “Don’t even masturbate.” And all the girls were like, “Okay, we didn’t even know that we could.” [audience laughs] And all the boys were like, “Why?” And… [audience laughs] …the way they explained it to us was, our youth pastor told us, he goes, “It’s not the physical act of masturbating that’s the sin, you guys, alright? It’s not even the orgasm. In fact, if you have a wet dream, thank God for the freebie and have an awesome day. [audience laughs] But what are you thinking about while you’re doing that to yourself, guys? [scattered laughs] That’s what the sin is. It’s the lust in your heart. It’s the impure thoughts in your head. That is what the sin is.” So when I got to be an adult and I wanted to masturbate, I was like, “Well, if I just don’t think about anything, [audience laughs] I could probably still go to heaven, right? Just like, clear your mind, get in there, get it done, see you soon, Jesus, right? [audience laughs] Touch nothing but the lamb.” [audience laughs] [audience claps, cheers] So I’ve been doing this my entire adult life. All my friends are like, “You gotta meditate.” I’m like, “I think I do.” [audience laughs] And I do mean my entire adult life, by the way. I did not masturbate until I was a grown woman. I was that afraid of going to hell, alright? Yeah. I had my first orgasm with my college boyfriend. Do you know how embarrassing that is to get your first orgasm from another person? That’s like having a realtor show you your own house. [audience laughs] They’re like, “And over here, we have a second bathroom.” You’re like, “A second bathroom?” [audience laughs] “You’ve been here for 19 years, you never went poking around on your own?” You’re like, “I did once but I thought Jesus would get mad, [audience laughs] so yeah, I don’t actually own this place, I’m just renting it from the guy upstairs, and… if I flood the basement, I do not get my security deposit back, so… [audience laughs] Is there anything else I should see while you’re here?” She’s like, “Yeah, let me show you the doorbell.” I’m like, “Oh, is the doorbell even important?” She’s like, “The doorbell is the only thing that matters. [audience laughs, claps] Nobody comes inside without touching the doorbell.” [audience laughs] “Oh, but I did touch it.” “You didn’t use enough pressure, it didn’t light up.” [audience laughs] So I’ve been masturbating like this my entire adult life and I recently mentioned it to a friend of mine and you ever say something out loud and realize you never should have ever? [audience laughs] I said it so casually over brunch, didn’t even think about it. I was like, “Oh yeah, I mean, I don’t think about anything while I do that.” And she was like, “What?” She put her fork down. “What? [audience laughs] You don’t think about anything?” And I was like, “Oh, no, I mean, I think some stuff, obviously. And she was like, “What do you think about?” And I was like, “Oh, you know, just like, ‘almost there, making good time.’ [audience laughs] You know, just like road trip thoughts, like… ‘keep your hands steady, don’t fall asleep. Can’t wait to get there so I can eat. [audience laughs] Better hurry up, Taco Bell’s gonna close, ‘ you know.” [audience laughs] And she was like, “That is so weird, Taylor, why don’t you just watch porn like a normal person?” And I was like, “Ugh, I don’t like porn.” Every time I try to watch porn, I’m just like, “You gotta shave there, too? [audience laughs] I’m tired and I’m cold.” And I’m not against porn, okay? I’m not one of these people that’s like, “If you watch porn, it will ruin your relationship.” I don’t feel that way, alright? I dated a guy once who was really into massage porn where the masseuse would like fuck their client at the end which means sometimes when we had sex, I get a massage! [audience laughs, cheers] That’s an example of porn working for you! [audience laughs] But my friend was like horrified. She was like, “Taylor, this like monk masturbation thing you do, [audience laughs] it is so much creepier and weirder than any porn I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen most of it.” [audience laughs] And she goes, “There are so many different options porn-wise on the internet now, you… just go home and Google ‘porn for women’ okay? Just do it, I promise, ‘porn for women.'” And so I went home and I googled porn for women so I wouldn’t be weird at brunch. [audience laughs] And a lot of surprising things came up when I googled it. First thing that came up when I googled porn for women was a link to Disney Plus where all the Avengers movies are. Now… [audience laughs] For me, personally, they jump around too much. There’s too many storylines. You’re almost there with Loki and now we’re on Captain America? It’s like, I have to start over. That’s a different speed, a different pressure and now there’s a raccoon? No. [audience laughs] The second thing that came up when I googled porn for women was a website where real-life couples are uploading amateur sex tapes. Yeah, real-life couples are like, “Hey, we’re so happy and in love, we thought that we would film ourselves making love and then put it online for you, a lonely person. [audience laughs] Is it working? Are you wet?” And you’re like, “Not in the right place, no. [audience laughs] But congratulations, what you have seems really special.” [audience laughs] The last thing that came up when I googled porn for women I did not know existed, it’s something called audio porn. It’s exactly what it sounds like. There’s no visual aspect, it’s all audio. It’s not really a porn star, it’s more like a porn voice actor talking you through a sexy situation. It’s like a podcast except don’t listen while you’re driving. [audience laughs] And because it’s “for women,” that just means there’s a story, right? Anyone can watch, they don’t check. [audience laughs] They don’t just hop on the mic like, [shouting] “Now it’s out, bitch!” Like they ease you into it. And so the one I found is 20 minutes long. I will send it to you if you DM me. [audience laughs] And the first 12 minutes, the story, is just a man calming you down [audience laughs] after you’ve been in a car wreck. [audience laughs] That is the foreplay. [audience laughs] And you guys, I came so hard. I… [audience laughs, claps] I mean, I didn’t even make it to the sex part. It was the comfort alone. He’s like, “It’s okay, take some deep breaths, don’t worry.” “The insurance companies will figure it out.” I’m like, “Oh my God, that’s right!” [shouting] “That’s why we have insurance!” By the time he was like, “What else can I do? Should I go down on you?” I was like, “Nah, man, I got Allstate, I’m in good hands.” [audience laughs] Thank you so much, Boston, you were absolutely amazing. [audience cheers] Thank you so much. I can’t tell you, I really appreciate you. Thank you. [upbeat music] [audience cheers] You guys were amazing. Thank you so much, seriously. [audience claps, cheers] [upbeat music continues] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sam-jay-3-in-the-morning-transcript/ | Sam Jay: 3 in the Morning (2020) – Transcript | sam jay | Holy shit. What the fuck is up, Atlanta? This shit is fuckin’ amazing, man. Wow. This shit really hit me today. I was– I was walking to the venue and, you know, all the emotions. Like, this is my fucking special. I’m here, I’m doing the shit that I set out to do this whole fuckin’ time. You know? I was walking down, and I was– I was coming… through the alleyway, and I was like, “This is really some full-circle shit.” ‘Cause the last dude I fucked… I met at a bar right over there. The last dick I took, I met right over there. Yeah! Crazy! That was the last dick I sucked. Whoa! Every time I think about it, my mind’s blown. Like, “bitch, you was sucking dicks.” I don’t like dicks at all! Like, I know that for a fact. I don’t like dicks. I don’t even like wearing ’em when bitches ask me to. I don’t like dicks. And I was suckin’ whole dicks, just putting ’em in my mouth. The shit we’ll do to fit in, you know? I just wanted to be friends with my friends! I just wanted to be able to talk to my peer group. Like, “Yeah, girl, the balls are salty like that. The balls be salty as fuck. I know, girl. It’s crazy how salty the balls are.” Suckin’ whole dicks… Nutty! Never was good at it, either. D-minus dick-sucker. D-minus. Never won the dick-suck game. I had some nights– I had some Jordan flu game. “Tonight’s the night I ball!” You know, just go-hard nights. I have to say that disclaimer ’cause I’ll be like, “I’m a bad dick-sucker,” and somebody in the crowd’ll be like, “She sucked the shit out my dick!” I’ll be like, “Oh, God dammit! I did. That night, I did. I did… do the fuckin’ job.” Shit is wild, man. I’m with my girl. I travel everywhere with my girl, which is stupid. I bring my girl everywhere ’cause I love her, but also, uh, fuck her. You know, it’s annoying. Like, I’m in love, I’m in love. This is a woman I’ve chased. I’m in love. I’ve chased this woman for years. But also, like, “Oh, shut the fuck up and go away.” Like, we shouldn’t be taking trips together. I realized that that’s where I’m fucking up. We should be going on trips, but on separate trips. Like, she goes to Hawaii, I go to London, then we switch. You know what I mean? I go to Hawaii, she goes to London. So we see the same shit so we can talk about it later. We’ll have a dialogue, but we don’t actually have to be in the same fuckin’ space. ‘Cause that seems to be creating the problems. Recently, I went home, back to Boston. That’s where I’m from. I’m a Boston kid, you know? But I also don’t go back often because my whole family’s there. Like, all of them. I love ’em, but it’s a lot. Know what I mean? So I try to avoid it. But I was like, “My girl needs to meet my people. I’m goin’ home.” I take my girl, I go back home. It was nice at first. She met my favorite uncle. He’s my favorite ’cause every time I see him, he asks if I’m still gay. Which is nice. Every time I see him, he’s like, “Hey, you still messin’ with the ladies?” Like, one day, I was like, “Nah, Unc, back suckin’ these dicks! Back on these dicks, partner. That’s what… Puttin’ my mouth on balls again, baby. That’s… how I like to live.” But it was dope. It was nice for my girl to just see… where the fuck I come from, you know? You always want that with your partner. Just see how I grew up. See the people that raised me. Just get to know me a little bit better. And all of that felt really good. We was havin’ a great time. I took her out, she met my friends from high school. Lot of my homegirls, they were telling her stories about how I used to have my titties out and shit, you know? Just lettin’ her know who I used to be. Everything was chill. Everything was comfortable. It felt great. But it got awkward ’cause I bumped into the dude I lost my virginity to. – Oh, shit! – It was weird, as we look the same now. Like, same outfit, same haircut. “What’s up, n i g g a? What the fuck you… What’s good with you, cuz? Fuck you want?” I saw him before he saw me. I was like, “Shit, I sucked his dick.” You know, like, I was… “Oh, my God!” Because, for a dyke, when you see old dicks you sucked, they’re like hauntings, you know? It’s just like, “Remember you used to do this?” Like, “Oh, my God.” “Please don’t come this fuckin’ way.” I was like, “God, I sucked his dick. What’s he gonna do?” He seen me. At first, he was cool. He gave me the “you know you sucked my dick” head nod, kept it moving. He was just like, “You know what you did.” “I know, I know, I know.” Weird, though, weird to be around my girl, trying to be the best man I’m gonna be and then seeing a dick I sucked. I was like, “I don’t like this at all.” Then he said the dumbest thing to me. We’re standing across from each other, he went, “I just need to say this. I just hope I’m not the reason… you’re like this.” Like, n i g g a, what? You think your 15-year-old dick swayed me in any direction? We were fucking kids, man. We could’ve been humpin’ mattresses, you know? Hell, no! Just sometimes, people be gay and don’t know it. It’s possible. I was a whole gay bitch, didn’t know. People knew before me. I came out, some of my old friends was like, “Duh, bitch!” I was like, “Really? Really? You knew this whole time? ‘Cause this whole time, I was for sure thinkin’ I liked dick.” I did. I did! I knew I wasn’t enjoying sex. My homegirls would talk about sex. I was like, “I don’t like it like they like it,” but I didn’t think I didn’t like dick. I just thought, “I ain’t found the right dick yet.” They’d be like, “When you feel it in your stomach…” I was like, “Ooh, that’s my least favorite part, when you… When it hit the stomach, you know it’s really there. You can’t– I don’t like that at all.” But I didn’t think I didn’t like dick. I just thought, you know, “Keep suckin’ these dicks. Concentrate. Work harder. Focus on the dicks you’re suckin’. Visualize. You’ll fucking get there.” That’s why representation matters, man. It does. It matters. You need to see yourself in the fuckin’ world. Like, I didn’t realize you could be black and gay and, like, fly and shit. Like, I’m from Boston, bro. We didn’t have black dykes. We didn’t have black dykes. We had white dykes. They drove Subarus and had long armpit hair. And I was like, “No.” I was like, “No, that’s not what I am. I’m not that. I don’t do that. I’m not with that.” We had one black dyke, and that bitch was on crack. And I was like, “If that’s what dyking leads to, that’s not a life for me. I need to focus on these dicks. Concentrate.” “Concentrate and work hard and make somethin’ of myself.” You honestly couldn’t be black and gay outside of Atlanta until 2012. It just didn’t exist anywhere else in the world. So I didn’t know, you know? I was like, “Nah, man, I’m just… into licking these dicks and balls.” Not at all. And then I ate a pussy, and I was like, “bitch!” The world opened the fuck up. I was like, “Oh, this is what everyone said when they said they like it.” I never understood the liking it part. I was like, “Sex is just a job. You don’t like it, you just do it.” And then, fuck it. But, no, you can like it. Like, now I eat pussy, I’m like, “This is it, I’m a winner. Now I’m winning. I feel in control. I know what the fuck I’m doing. This is where I was supposed to be. In the pussy.” Now I’m in love, so I’m only in one pussy, and that’s weird. It’s weird ’cause I know it’s the only pussy I’m gonna be in forever. It’s not always great, right? When you fuck the same person forever, you know, there’s downsides to that. There’s highs and lows. Cause now, we’ve been fucking since, I don’t know, we was 22? I’m 30-something, so it’s like, “I don’t care about this pussy anymore.” Like, I love her, but the pussy, I don’t give a fuck. It could come, it could go, it could not be there. But I’m tryin’ to do it. I am. I’m like, I’m in love. That’s why I bring her everywhere. That’s why we travel and shit. We just went to Europe recently. Three weeks in Europe. Big fuckin’ mistake. Three weeks. Mm-mm-mm. Too long. Shouldn’t have done it. It was fucked up before we even left New York. Before we got out our apartment, it was problematic. It started with the packing. Everything broke down with the fuckin’ packing. Everything was goin’ good. We was packing, she was packing, I was packin’, everything felt respectable. But then she started packin’ a third bag. And that really confused me, ’cause she only has two arms. So I was like, “How you packin’ three bags with two arms, baby girl? You don’t got enough arms for the bags you packin’. What a presumptuous, bold fuckin’ move, to pack bags you don’t got fuckin’ arms for! Who’s supposed to be in charge of these fuckin’ bags? Who’s gonna be the boss, bitch? I don’t understand.” Then we got to an airport and it caused a fight because she forgets I’m not a man, I’m not a fucking man. I’m not. So I don’t have any chivalry. I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck. I am a whole bitch. I have no chivalry in me. Are you crazy? So it’s not like I saw her struggling with the bags and was like, “I can’t let my baby struggle!” “I gotta get these bags!” Fuck, no! I was just like, “Stupid bitch! Bring less bags. Dumb motherfucker. That was dumb as all hell.” “Bringin’ bags you ain’t got enough arms for. Who the fuck does that? You see, I got bags for arms, baby girl. That’s how I goddamn roll. Hell’s wrong with you?” So she’s strugglin’, lookin’ stupid, and I’m just watching like, “Mm-mm-mm,” you know? “Mm.” Then this dude comes and tries to save the day, ’cause that’s what dudes like to do, you know? Especially when men see a masculine woman. That’s their favorite shit. They like to come, like, “I got the real dick.” You know? Filthy fucks. “I got the real– Where you want– Where you need my dick to go? What bag my dick gotta pick up? What you want my dick— You need my dick over here?” “Shut up.” This fucking clown come– “I got the real– I got the real dick.” And he jacks up the bag, and he looks at me, and he’s like, “Now what?” Like, “n i g g a, get mine too! You gettin’ bags, get all the bitches’ bags! The fuck you think? I’m a lady. Carry my shit.” “Be a fuckin’ gentleman.” It doesn’t help that I’m a nervous flier. I’ll say that. I didn’t help. I’m a very nerve-racked flier. I hate fuckin’ flying. I’m thinkin’ about dying the whole time. The entire trip, I’m just like, “I’m fuckin’ dead up here,” you know? I think if you’re not thinkin’ about dying, you’re a psychopath. I don’t know anyone who’s just up there, like, “This is how God intended it.” You know, what the fuck? Clearly, we have no business up there. We’re watchin’ ESPN, we’re drinkin’. Who the fuck do we think we are? So ballsy. Chill out. You know? This is delicate. Then we like to give the illusion of safety. “In case of an emergency.” bitch, we’re dead if there’s an emerg– This motherfucker’s in the exit row with his shoes off, drunk. He’s saving all of us? He’s the guy? He’s the point man? Fuck you! Fuck you! You don’t give a shit about us. I watched you give this man drinks! Maybe don’t serve drinks to the exit row n i g g a s. Of all the n i g g a s! Maybe they have to be sober. You want me to feel safe in the skies… Kiss my ass! I think about death in a weird– I don’t think like how most– I think most people think some regular-ass shit. Right? They think, like, I don’t know, “What if the pilot takes us into a mountain today ’cause he hates his fuckin’ life?” Or, “What if the engine fails?” That’s normal thoughts. I think crazy, crazy shit. I think, like, what if the company that makes the chemical that makes the doo-doo block… Okay, so when you’re on a plane and you shit or you piss, it don’t just go to the birds, baby. Right? You don’t just flush it, it’s in the sky. No, it stays on the fuckin’ plane. Like a camper. And there’s a chemical in there, and it makes a gelatinous mess, and when you land, they suck that shit out, they put a new chemical in for your next flight. I be thinking, what if the doo-doo block company, right, the chemical company… What if they skimp on a chemical? Just on some American greed shit. American companies are trash. They’re always doin’ this type of fuckin’ shit, cuttin’ corners. We know this, cuttin’ corners, doin’ funny shit. What if one of these fuckin’ companies, like, “Know what? We’re not buyin’ boric acid this month. We don’t fuckin’ need boric acid. It’s $30,000 a unit and it really doesn’t do anything.” Then I’m in the sky, I take a shit, the plane’s half a pound heavier, boom, into a mountain. Fuckin’ dead. That’s what the hell goes on in my brain. Shit that can’t be cured with no safety video. You know? Fuck are you– So I’m nervous. I’m on edge. As soon as I get on the plane, I’m on edge, I’m on it. I’m makin’ sure everyone’s phone’s on airplane mode. ‘Cause that’s everybody’s job. I’m just, like, “Look at him. Why this n i g g a on Candy Crush like that? Who’s gonna do somethin’ about that? That’s weird. I don’t like any of this.” Then I sit down, and I notice my girl still fuckin’ around on her phone. She ain’t fuckin’ changed her shit yet. She playin’ games and shit. So I’m like, “Hey, baby, when you gonna do it? The guy said do it. I think you should go ahead and do it.” And she snaps at me ’cause she’s still mad over the bag shit. So she’s like, “You ain’t gotta do it till the plane takes off!” And it’s like, “bitch, you don’t build planes! You don’t. You’re not a plane scientist or no shit like that. You do it when the n i g g a drivin’ the plane says it’s time to do it! That’s the opportune time.” And that caused another fight, ’cause I hit the button on that bitch. I was like, “Bing, get her the fuck outta here. Mm-mm-mm-mm. I’m not goin’ in the sky with this bitch, she actin’ up on the ground. How the fuck we gonna go in the sky? You not followin’ the ground rules, baby girl! That don’t add up.” So then, I’m in my seat and shit, right, and now we fightin’. We tryin’ to whisper-fight like white people. You know, tryin’ to get a good whisper-fight in. We… pss-pss-pss-pss. Pffft! You know? That goofy, goofy stuff. And her main thing is, like, she likes to fuck with me. Like, she likes to, like, say shit to me like she’s reminding me I’m a woman. Like I don’t… I fuckin’ know that, you know? But she likes to– ‘Cause of my outfits and shit. Know what I mean? ‘Cause of how I dress. She’s like… “I’ma break you down, remind you you a whole bitch.” I was like, “bitch, I got a pad in these boxer briefs. I know what’s happenin’. I don’t need this energy from you. Goofy ass.” So we’re sittin’ in the seat, and we’re arguin’, and then she’s like, “What the fuck are you so afraid of, you scaredy bitch? Are you on your period?” And I was like, “Waaaah!” Huh! I got so fuckin’ mad! Balled up my fist real tight like I was about to punch the seat in front of me. Like I was just gonna act, you know? But the last time I did that, we were at the house. I balled my fist up and punched the wall, and then I just hurt my hand real bad. Nothin’ happened. So I was like, “Let me chill.” So I was just like, “Aaah! What to do? Aaaah!” And then I just told the truth. I was like, “I’m afraid to die!” I yelled that on a plane. Just put it out there, you know? Just fuckin’ be honest. But as soon as I said it, I realized it’s not true. I think I needed to hear it out loud. I was like, “That’s not it. I’m not afraid to die. Actually, death is inevitable, I know it’s gonna happen. I’m not afraid to die.” I realized in that moment what I’m afraid of is surviving. I don’t wanna survive a plane crash. I think about bein’ that one asshole floatin’ on a piece of wing… in the middle of the ocean way more than I think about death. Just… On some Life Of Pi shit. “Just live, n i g g a.” No! That’s trash. No! I don’t wanna survive shit. You don’t come out of nothing you survive clean. It don’t matter. If someone says, “I’m a survivor,” they’re fucked up a bit. They ain’t clean. It’s fucked up. I survive a plane crash, now my arm’s lopsided like this forever. Forever, I just gotta be like this when I talk to people. That’s trash. My fingertips don’t work right no more, so I can’t grip shit. I can’t pick nothin’ up, forever. I can’t grip with it, I can’t grab shit. I lose my legs, and now I gotta be the no-legs comic. I gotta roll up here with no legs. “I used to have legs, but they gone. Y’all heard about the crash. Don’t worry about me.” Bullshit! Fuck that. No! Or I float on a deserted island, and then it’s just like, “Fight for your life!” Like, everything’s intact, and it’s just like, “Get it in!” ‘Cause that’s the problem with survival. Survival begs the question, “Do you have the will to live?” And the answer is no. I already know that. I don’t give a fuck about life enough to fight for it, for real. Like, every time I watch Cast Away, I’m like, “n i g g a, just be dead! What the fuck are you doin’? Lay on the beach and let the waves take you, dawg. This is ridiculous!” Walking Dead? Once my phone’s dead, bro, I’m dead. Where am I goin’ without a GPS? I don’t know how to use a compass. I’m not white. White people still… I don’t know. Like, y’all preparin’ for some shit but y’all won’t tell us what it is. Y’all move so weird, man. Y’all actions are weird! Y’all gettin’ ready. And the world’s endin’. Everything’s burnin’, we get it, and y’all preparin’. Just tell us. Tell us what’s happenin’! Stop keepin’ this shit to yourself. They do weird shit. They just get lost in the woods for no– “Let’s just follow the North Star out.” bitch, why? Doing Tough Mudders and shit, just runnin’ through the mud. Just runnin’– Why? But when you think about it, when mudslides hit, them n i g g a s gonna be movin’, doof, doof, doof! N i g g a s, on the other hand, we’re fucked. We prepare for nothin’. We have no plan for the end of the world, and it’s clear it’s happenin’. All we’re gonna do is meet in Atlanta. That’s n i g g a s‘ plan. Just meet in Atlanta. Just gonna be a bunch of n i g g a s in front of a Waffle House, like, “Well, I assumed– I assumed this was the spot, and then… and then we’d talk about what’s next.” “Thought we’d get together first. What I wanna know is, who’s cookin’? Who’s doin’ the cookin’ this whole time?” Jesus! They’re gettin’ ready, for real. Watch these motherfuckers. They move funny! All their actions are in preparedness, but we don’t know for what, right? Like, I was watching Naked And Afraid for the first time last week. Why the fuck are you doin’ that shit, white people? You just wanna know you can live naked and scared? N i g g a, both? Why both? Both together, not even separate? That’s crazy! Bunch of white dudes died climbin’ the Himalayas. What the fuck you goin’ up there for? Everything you need down here! You just wanna know you can sleep with less air? Where the air goin’? N i g g a, the air runnin’ out? We losin’ air? Tell us! Why y’all keepin’ this shit to yourselves? Put everybody on, goddamn. I saw a bunch of white people checkin’ their restin’ heart rate the other day. “Bitch, we about to have to run? Where we going? Bitch, where we going? Why are you just checkin’ that shit? What do y’all know that I don’t know? I don’t like that.” This n i g g a Elon Musk be goin’ to space by hisself. What the fuck is that white man doin’ in space alone? That’s not suspicious to anybody but me? That this motherfucker goes to space without the government, without NASA? Which I didn’t even know you could fuckin’ do! As far as I knew, they were the space n i g g a s. They run space! You wanna fuck with space, you gotta fuck with them. This motherfucker built a spaceship like it’s a go-kart, goes on Tuesdays. bitch, space day is Saturday! Everybody know that! You can’t leave midweek to go to goddamn space! It’s an event. It happens Saturday, the TV’s on. This n i g g a be goin’ Wednesday night. What? From Sacramento, at that. bitch, space place is Cape Canaveral. That’s where you go from. Ain’t no entry point to Mars from fuckin’ Sacramento. And when you’re goin’ to space, you at least tell the people. It’s a PSA. Get on the goddamn news, say, “Hey, people, I’m about to fuck around in space. Don’t be alarmed.” This n i g g a just went. We thought it was aliens. “Is it aliens?” “No, just Elon doin’ donuts in the sky.” What the fuck is this? Whoo! White man ambition is some shit. You wanna know where the racism is? That’s where the fuck it is, white men. I know y’all still confused. Look at him. “What are you talkin’ about?” Fuckin’ confused. ‘Cause they don’t get– Everyone learns the history. So you’re like, “No one’s gettin’ hung, and we ain’t beatin’ nobody. I work next to a black guy, and he has a car, so… equality.” Just lay the fuck down, rest easy, ’cause everything’s fair. Fuckin’ nut job! Everything’s not fair! ‘Cause while you’re sleepin’, you’re dreamin’ about buyin’ Mars, n i g g a! I’ve never thought I could do no shit like that a day in my life. I thought about havin’ all the money. I thought, “If I get all the money, I’m gonna buy them gold ceilings Master P had in Cribs.” “That’s what the fuck I’ma do when I get all the goddamn money.” Space by my goddamn self, bitch? Never! Even if I thought about goin’ to space, I’d call NASA first. “Yo, NASA, this Sam. Can I go? You know what? It is Tuesday. Space day is Saturday.” So we land in London… We land in London, and we decided not to fight anymore, ’cause I think that’s how couples traveling work, right? You get to the place you’re supposed to be, you’re like, “We can fight where we pay rent. Let’s just try to fuckin’ be friends. We’ve never seen any of this shit before. Let’s just try to be cool,” right? So we get to London. “We’re in London, what are we gonna do? Which is new shit for me, ’cause I’m a grown-up, and now I go out in the daytime. I used to be able to travel like this. “Let’s sleep all day and get fucked up all night. I wanna see this city high and drunk,” you know? But now I’m an old bitch, I’m like, “I wanna see architecture. I wanna know how… how they built the buildings.” We get to London, I’m like, “We still got some time, let’s go to a fuckin’ museum.” My girl’s like, “Hell, yeah. Let’s go.” ‘Cause we old bitches, and old bitches like the museum. But we’re not that old, so we took mushrooms first, ’cause, yeah… Fuckin’ turn the museum up. So we take these shrooms… and we’re like, “Let’s get out, let’s do it.” We go to the British Museum. That’s the biggest fuckin’ museum in London, in the city. We go to the British Museum. It’s huge. I was overwhelmed. I was high as shit. I walked in, I was like, “Holy shit.” ‘Cause it was wing after wing after wing of stuff, and it blew my mind ’cause I was like, “Wow, white people stole all this shit!” “Stole so much shit!” “All this shit is stolen. That’s crazy!” It was like, “Wow! They stole everything in this motherfucker!” The audacity! I think that’s the real word to describe white people. It’s not racist. Audacious! The fuckin’ audacity! ‘Cause everyone steals. I’m not saying you’re the only one that steals. Everybody steals. n i g g a s steal, black people steal, but when we steal, we spread the shit out. ‘Cause we’re afraid. We’re like, “They might come at any moment. Try to get back some of this shit. So put some at Joe’s, put some over here…” Not the white man. “Put it all in one building.” “Erect a fortress for it. And, yes, charge them $20 to see it. Their own shit.” “And if one of ’em touches it, shoot ’em.” Jesus! But they got all the culture. Another thing that fucked me up when I was London. I was like, “These motherfuckers got all the culture. We don’t have shit. We’re trash.” We have no culture in America. We think we do. “We’ll go see the Liberty Bell.” That’s garbage. It’s trash. It’s trash. It’s all just young, ignorant– We don’t have good– They have Rembrandts, they got Shake– They got the fucking culture, you know? And as Americans, we just fiend out for their culture. We just be goin’ over there, “Let me get some of your culture. Let me borrow a Rembrandt for two million for one month, ’cause my kids need some art,” you know? They got all the shit. I was with my girl, we went into this one room, we went to the Egypt side. We went into this one room, there was six mummies in one room. Fuckin’ blew my mind. I was like, “Babe, look, six mummies in here.” She got all attitudey. She was like, “Why you actin’ like that? Why you actin’ like you never been nowhere?” She thought I was being one of those people that go to another country and act like it’s so much better than America. Which is annoying, you know? Go somewhere, people are like, “Flowers in America don’t look like this.” Like, shut the fuck up. That’s irritating. She thought I was doing that. She was like, “What’s the big deal? You seen a mummy before.” And I was like, “Yeah, bitch, one! I ain’t never seen six together in one room!” That’s how they do us in America, ’cause we borrowin’ the culture. In America, we get one mummy. Every three summers! And we work that n i g g a like Joe Jackson worked the Jackson 5. “Listen up, Mummy! Tomorrow, Memphis. Schenectady! Take your ass down to Ohio.” We left the museum. We was like, “Let’s get a cab.” I was like, “Fuck it, let’s Uber. Let’s see what the London Uber shit is like.” Like it was gonna be less rapey or somethin’. Like, “Maybe it’s not as rapey, or maybe it’s rapey with, like, a tip of the hat or somethin’.” Just somethin’ different, you know? So we get an Uber, and I– I will say this– I didn’t like, also, being overseas… ‘Cause… I just feel like people are ballsy now ’cause of who the president is, how, like, our country is, like, so people feel like they can just talk shit to you, you know? You go to a foreign country, people are like, “Huh,” you know? Think they can take fucking shots ’cause they think our country’s in despair. So I get in the Uber, and as soon as he hears my accent, the motherfucker goes off. He’s like, “Ugh, America, ugh, eurgh… Eurgh! Trump! Bleurgh! When are you guys gonna do–” Like, n i g g a, Theresa May, Hitler. Suck my dick. Yeah! Like you don’t have your fuckin’ problems. Lick my balls. Get out of here. I don’t get defensive. I think a lot of people get fuckin’ defensive, you know? Especially liberals. Liberals like to defend America. “Don’t judge us by the president. We are such a better country than the president.” No the fuck we’re not! If we were, he wouldn’t be the fucking president. That’s not how shit works. We’re better than Trump? We’re a country of Golden Corral buffets. Who the fuck do be think we are? Trash! We’re trash. Troughs of macaroni, 9.99 prime rib. That’s our shit. Garbage shit. Dollar burgers from fast-food restaurants, then we complain when them shits gives us cancer. “Hey! This 99-cent meat almost killed me!” Duh, bitch! How the fuck you think you get 99-cent meat? You stretch it out with a little bit of cancer! There’s only one way to make this shit! How else do you think we achieve this fuckin’ goal? You… dummy. Plus, I don’t know… Trump’s our first n i g g a president. That’s gotta matter. In the history and shit. I’m talking about history-wise. I’m not talkin’ about right now. I’m talking about when we look back at the world. “Oh, we in the history books.” Pfft, pfft. We’re gonna see Barack. We’ll be like, “Oh, good black man.” There’s Trump, a whole n i g g a. First time we ever had a n i g g a in the White House, and the first n i g g a is white. That gotta mean somethin’. He ain’t ever been a president. That’s why Democrats can’t beat him. They know how to deal with presidents. Not how to deal with n i g g a s. This is all back-of-the-bus energy. They don’t know what the fuck to do with that. Every decision is a n i g g a decision. He ain’t never been presidential. He just let 11 of his friends outta jail for no reason. Everything y’all thought the black one was gonna do. If you white and voted for him, everything you thought the black– He was just like, “Let ’em out.” “Why?” “‘Cause I like ’em. They my friends. Let ’em out.” He killed an Iranian general. He killed a general of another country that we have consistently had problems with. Killed this man, and first of all, I didn’t even know we was mad at them at the moment. Had no idea. That’s how you know that was some personal n i g g a shit. That was beef. He was like, “If you see the n i g g a slidin’, hit my jack. I don’t like that motherfucker.” “You catch him dipping, hit my jack, hit my jack. I got somethin’ for his ass.” Confused Iran so much, they put 80 mil on his head. They didn’t know what to do. That’s not how diplomat– Just, “80 mil on the n i g g a head.” Like it was a WorldStar beef. “Put 80 mil on his head, 20 mil for the chain.” I don’t what’s happenin’ in the world anymore. And when a president makes a move like that, the president kills the leader of another country, the president gets on the news. Matter of fact, every channel becomes the fucking news. You turn on any channel, it’s the president, from the Oval, and he’s like, “Hey, man, some heinous shit went down. But I’m the president, and I had to protect y’all. And I do what’s right, and I stand for what’s right, so you don’t ever have to worry about it ’cause I got your back. President out. America’s the best.” That’s what the president does. A n i g g a gets on Twitter… …tweets the American flag like it’s a Crip bandana… and is like, “What’s cracking? I don’t like the n i g g a. What are you… Who’s confused?” From the top of his presidency, he’s been on this shit. Very early, we brought him a serious prob– We’re like, “Hey, Mr. President, kids are bringing guns to schools. They’re shootin’ up schools. What do we do?” He was like, “Get the teachers guns, then. n i g g a s bustin’ at you, bust back. That’s what– that’s what I always say. That’s how you handle shit in the projects.” Plus, I don’t know, me and my girl’s dynamic is all fucked up, still. Like, we gotta work out all our shit. Like, right now, we not celebratin’ holidays. We canceled all the holidays. I don’t fuck with none of them. Valentine’s Day, Christmas… Only thing we do is birthdays. I don’t do shit else. She thinks I’m being mean. I’m like, “No, we’ll celebrate the holidays again when you get a job.” Right now, she’s not workin’, right? And when I met my girl, she all the– Like, It’s not like my girl don’t get her shit off, but right now, she just in a transition, she not working. And when I met her, I didn’t make any money. I was broke. She made a lot of money. But now, it’s the opposite. I make a lotta, lotta money and she makes, like, zero money. So, no, we not doin’ holidays. What the fuck am I gonna do a holiday with you for? It’s not fair. It’s not equal. We’re not having equal transactions, like two adults should. Right? It’s not like I buy her a Louis bag, she buys me some Gucci shoes. Holiday? No. I buy her a Louis bag and then she gives me a coupon for a back rub like she’s seven fucking years old. I gotta look in her eyes, act like this is a respectable fucking gift ’cause she’s put me on the spot! “This is from my heart, and I mean it.” “bitch, I don’t want a back rub from you! You don’t even know how to back rub right!” So, no. No holidays. I don’t want to bring a kid into this. Now I gotta pay for her, pay for you, do all this shit, protect you both ’cause she thinks that too, ’cause she’s crazy. You know, I get that I’m wearin’ the outfit, but, n i g g a, I can’t fight. Chill! These fuckin’ underwears don’t give me superpowers, honey. The other day, I was in the shower, she went to the store and she didn’t lock the fuckin’ door. That’s how I know she thinks I can handle everything. That’s crazy… to leave a woman in the shower, titties soaped up. Get what I’m saying? I’m in the shower, my titties are soapy. I got soapy titties in this shower. And my shit‘s perky. They sit… I pop these shits out the bra, they only go to here. They good. These is good titties. Not a lot of wear and tear ’cause I don’t take a lot of dick, so they not bouncin’ around. Solid titties. You understand what I’m sayin’? Up here. On point. So I get out the shower, I check the door, the shit is unlocked. I was livid! Livid. I was like, “Yo, that’s fucked up. How dare you don’t lock the door.” She was like, “How did you even know it was unlocked?” Like, “bitch, ’cause I’m a bitch, and I checked. I’m petty, bitch. What are you talkin’ about? The first thing I did, hit that lock, see what you was on. And figured out you on bullshit!” She was like, “I don’t get the big deal.” I was like, “The big deal is whenever you’re in the house and I leave the house, I lock up the house, ’cause that’s the rules of pussy. Pussy in the house, lock it up. Everybody know that. Everyone’s been taught that. Pussy inside, lock the pussy inside. You don’t leave it loose, willy-nilly, for anything to fuckin’ happen!” She left me ass-naked in the shower as if the rapist was gonna come in and be like, “Nah, she got a fade. I ain’t gonna do it.” “What I don’t do is take fade pussy. That’s off the menu. I take all types of ass, but not the one that’s faded.” Jesus Christ! The other night, we were in bed, we both heard somethin’. I said, “Babe, did you hear that?” She’s like, “Yeah, go check.” “bitch, why me? If there’s a whole n i g g a in here, we both need to go check. It’s gonna take two of us to get him the fuck outta here. What are you talkin’ about? We both might end up suckin’ this dude’s dick at the end of the day. And, bitch, you’re on the balls, ’cause I pay the rent.” “I’m not suckin’ balls and payin’ rent, baby girl. I’m all tip then shaft. Them balls are yours.” Oh, shit! Then we gotta have that goofy shit over cereal. “We did what we had to do. Let’s not talk about the shit.” “But, babe, you was really suckin’ them balls.” Goin’ down! Whew! Plus, I don’t know, fucking kids suck nowadays, you know? I don’t wanna bring a kid into this– Every kid now, they’re shitty. They’re all too smart. Shut up. They’ve all got all these wild fuckin’ opinions about the world, know who they are at two and shit. I don’t want– I don’t got the energy for that. I want a dumbass kid. I want a ’90s baby. Put some fucking play dough in your ear and just stare at the TV. Don’t want an astute fucking– I do want a weird one. I do want a little weird one, though. I did think that. I want a little Jaden Smith. I want a little weird fucker. I do. I just want a kid, I don’t know what he’s on. Like, one day, he’s a ninja, the next day, he’s gay. The next day, he’s into polygamy. I’m like, “Yeah, fuck that, do it all!” I want a little– Mm! I hate when black people don’t fuck with Jaden Smith. I love what… I see that as progress. I’m like, “It’s so great.” Like, when– Especially hyper-masculine dudes, “What they doin’ to that kid? They raisin’ that kid all weird!” It’s like, “Yeah, that’s dope! We need a weird one. Finally, we got a weird black kid. That’s amazing.” Like, every time I see Jaden Smith, I feel like one of those slaves in Django when he rode by on that horse. I’m like, “Look at this magical n i g g a! Just doin’ whatever he wants.” This motherfucker is dressed like Batman with no shoes on, singin’ about the stars, kissin’ white women in the mouth. That’s Martin Luther King’s dream! Let’s celebrate that shit. That’s amazing. I want a little weird one. I just don’t want one of these super-smart ones that knows everything. Like, I don’t want a little Greta Thunberg baby. I don’t. I hate that little bitch. I hate that little fuckin’ girl, and I hate that you can’t say you hate the little fuckin’ girl ’cause she autistic or whatever. That’s so stupid. That’s so stupid. I don’t hate the girl ’cause she’s autistic. I’m not a fuckin’ savage. I hate her ’cause she annoying, and those are separate things. You can be autistic and annoying, bitch. I know plenty of autistic n i g g a s not annoying. They know a lot about Star Wars, they got facts I didn’t have. It’s dope. This little bitch? Ugh, shut up. Like, her parents gotta be exhausted. Like, “Okay, bitch, we get it. Okay. Okay. Okay!” I hate her attitude. I get the message, it’s the way she’s presentin’ it that’s fuckin’ trash. People wanna accept that and be real about that. It’s like, tell the truth. Her presentation sucks. Right? I would fuck with her more if her attitude was this. “Everybody’s fucked up. We all messed up the planet. And we all need to come together to fix this, ’cause we all did bad.” But her message is, “Adults, you fucked up. Adults, you left me a bad planet. Adults, you did wrong.” bitch, the shit was fucked up for me too! What the fuck are you talkin’ about? I didn’t walk onto a pristine Earth, bitch! This shit been bad– Matter of fact, when I was a kid, they told me California was gonna be gone by now, bitch. Be glad that shit‘s still here, motherfucker. Dummy. They’ve never given a fuck about the future. No one cares about the future. People care about their kids. That’s it. When I was seven, I went to Disney World on a plane full of cigarette smoke. Coughed the whole way. All they did was offer me Sprite. “You want some Sprite, little n i g g a?” “Clear that cough up, or whatever you got goin’ on.” Supposed to care about this bitch. Shut up! A lot of shit goin’ on. It would be weird to bring kids– There’s a lot of shit. I might have a kid, she’s three, and she knows she’s trans. I’m not ready for that. I don’t have the energy to talk to a trans three-year-old. Like, “bitch, I don’t know. What? What are you saying? I don’t know. Just color with the other color, then, bitch. Go away.” “Just use blue, then. I don’t fucking care!” I don’t wanna be stressed about this shit. I’m not gonna act like I have the answers. I think that’s the problem. We act like we have all the answers. It’s like, no, you can be confused. I think sometimes, people– Even I have this, as a queer person. I sometimes take people’s confusion as an attack. It’s like, no, they just don’t fuckin’ know. I think also, sometimes, people be confused and be attacking. You know what I mean? You’re so confused until, like, “It ain’t right!” Both of those things are wrong, and somewhere in the middle is the right answer, which is no one knows what the fuck they’re talkin’ about. There’s a bunch of gray, and we don’t have all the answers yet, ’cause the world is moving faster than fucking what we’re ready to think about. And it’s okay to be uncomfortable, it’s okay to be confused. It’s not okay to say people shouldn’t have the same rights as you. That’s what’s not okay. But you can– You can be all the other shit, ’cause that’s fucking human. Confusion is fucking reasonable. There’ll be a lot of things we don’t get and a lot of questions we’re gonna have. My homey called me the other day, and he was like, “Hey, n i g g a, I got a question, and you should know the answer ’cause you gay.” That kinda charged me up, I’m not gonna lie. I was like, “What? I’m the gayest n i g g a you know. What the fuck is the question? I got all the gay facts, n i g g a. What?” And he was like, “What do you do when you see a trans bitch beatin’ up a regular bitch?” And I was like, “Mmm? That, I don’t know. No, I don’t have an answer for that.” I know some of y’all are gettin’ tight. I feel it. Y’all gettin’ tight, like, “What does she mean, regular…” First of all, he’s not gay, he just did it the best he could, you know? He called everyone bitches, so it was universal. Chill out. But we really don’t have the answer to that. That’s somethin’ I didn’t think about till he presented it. What are we gonna do when trans bitches start beatin’ up regular bitches? As a regular bitch, I’m a tad bit concerned. Not gonna lie. I don’t wanna be in a fight with one of these motherfuckers. “Let them fight!” “No, get this n i g g a off me.” “This motherfucker is strong in ways I did not expect. Please help.” I’m not sayin’ trans women aren’t women. I’m not one of those corny-ass– Trans women are women, shut the fuck up, but when one of those women’s hands is big enough to palm a football… and she’s cavin’ the other woman’s chest in, we gotta make some notes… maybe figure out a new approach, how we’re gonna work this shit out, to move on as a goddamn society. I hate women that don’t embrace trans women. That’s corny. “They’re not real women.” Shut up! They’re real women. They’re contourin’, waxin’ all the shit. They’re doin’ everything you do, goofy. Pluckin’ their chin hairs, you dumbass. Plus, what are you talkin’ about? Women who don’t embrace trans women, what are you saying? Who do you think we are? We need these super bitches. Are you stupid? These are our X-Men. The world is about to change for us. Get fuckin’ excited. This is a goddamn blessing. What are you sayin’? Lombardi Trophy, here we come! We ’bout to be NFL champions, baby! With these trans bitches on our team, it’s gonna be lit! You thought we was gonna get to a NFL championship without these bitches, you’re stupid! Fuck, no, we wasn’t. I was arguing with this lady. She was like, “We could do it… regular cisgendered women… she could…” Fuck you! No, they couldn’t. No, they couldn’t. Let’s say, miraculously, we had some cisgender woman who gets all the way to the NFL. She’s never fucking been touched all her career, right? She’s some flat-chested phenom. That’s what she’d have to be to cut through the wind so no one could get her, she couldn’t have no titties. She’s flat-chested, and she just… bam, bam, bam, bam! Her whole career, wham! “Oh, my God, they can’t touch her!” Bam! Why? ‘Cause she aerodynamic ’cause the titties gone. Wham! Let’s say this happens in the fucking world. She’s gonna get to the NFL, she’s gonna get tackled once, and the bitch is gonna die. Dead. We need a trans bitch, high-steppin’, face-maskin’. Gettin’ the fuck in. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to see it. She gonna be in her Fashion Nova dress, holdin’ the trophy over… “Aaaaah!” Lit. bitch lit. Triple D titties ’cause she’s trans and confident. Titties out to here. You, ma’am, say you out– say you out for a night on the town with all your friends. One of your friends is a trans woman. You have the night of your life. Everyone’s pussy‘s sweaty when you leave the club. One of those nights. Everyone pussy sweat. Pussy sweat all around. You’ve sweated your pussies out dancing. You’re like, “This was the night.” You’re standin’ in front of the club, some gross-ass dude comes up. He’s like, “Ooh, look at you sexy bitches. I love every single one of you. I would love to put my dick on every single one of you sexy bitches’ butts.” And you’re like, “What? How dare you talk to us like that? You dirty, nasty man. Don’t you ever say anything like that to us again.” He’s like, “What? You’re just a woman. I could break your neck.” And then that bitch come from the back, Boof! “What the fuck you say?” Lay that n i g g a out. He’s all confused. “I felt dick in that punch. I didn’t see no dicks, but I’ve been hit by a dick before.” Whoo! There’s also just too much to explain to a fucking kid. I’m gonna have to raise my kid post-Me-Too. I gotta… walk ’em down this dumbass path, you know? I gotta be like, “This is what happened, and it was crazy, but then white women went stupid.” You know? I was all– I was Me Too-ed up. I was like, “Get these nasty n i g g a s. Get ’em off the streets. They got their dicks on everybody. Get ’em outta here. I don’t like none of that. Get ’em outta here. Get ’em outta here. Get ’em outta here.” And then white women went crazy. I feel like it just stopped bein’ about, like, what was real. You know, like, there’s a part– there’s a two-level conversation. Yes. All these dudes in power were using their power to manipulate situations and be terrible to women, a hundred percent. But in all those situations, women had a choice. If we never speak to that choice, we are disempowering women. The most empowering thing is to know even in the dire straits, you have a choice. You can always choose, and sometimes choosing to say “Fuck you” – is the most illest choice you can make. – Yo! And if we don’t pass that down to young women, then what the fuck are we saying? It’s weird. So I had to stop– I was like, “I can’t be a part of this shit. This is goofy.” I was done with it when it landed on Aziz Ansari. That’s when I was really like, “Fuck this.” When it got to Aziz, I said, “I can’t do this anymore. Really?” And it’s not ’cause I’m defendin’ Aziz. I wasn’t there. I’m not sayin’ he did or didn’t. That has nothin’ to do with it. There’s not a woman in here who doesn’t think she could beat that n i g g a‘s ass. That’s what I’m sayin’. That was goofy to me. The end of that blog should’ve been, “Then I punched that dumb n i g g a in the face… and left his goddamn apartment.” You ain’t even got to punch Aziz. Just buck at that n i g g a. “Ugh, get the fuck out of here. Goofy!” We gotta teach girls to fight. I’m not taking a L off a 5′5″ Indian n i g g a. 5′5″ Indian n i g g a s, swing at them! I’m not saying Indian n i g g a s are soft, but I ain’t never heard this statement. “That Indian n i g g a beat my ass.” I ain’t never heard that. So, I’ma take my goddamn chances. I feel the same way about feminism. It’s like, ugh! I wanna say I’m a feminist, but white women… Yeah! Whoo! Y’all make it so hard to get along with shit! ‘Cause white women act like they’re– like it’s a brand of feminism, and it’s theirs and that’s the most dominant. They act like they’re about all women, but you’re not. You’re only about white women. And that’s fine. You can’t be about all women, you haven’t taken the time to figure out all women need. You just know your white women needs and assume if we fix your shit, it’ll trickle down. It’s like, no, bitch! And I’m not mad at white women being agenda-driven. Be about your shit. Be about your shit. But don’t mask it as a cause. Just be real. Be like a Jehovah’s Witness. Come knockin’ on my door on a Sunday, like, “Are you ready for white women’s return?” “Well, I got somethin’ you should read.” Whoo! Plus, if you want me to get behind feminism, start with somethin’ that’s gonna galvanize women. Start with somethin’ that’s really gonna change some shit. Start with teachin’ women how to pee standin’ up. – How come we not doin’ that shit yet? – Whoo! It’s 2020! How come we still peein’ hobbled over like dogs and toddlers and shit? Fuckin’ grown women! We should be peeing upright like men. Know what? We can do it. And you know how I know? I fuckin’ did it. I got tired of this shit one day. I stood over the toilet, I spread my pussy lips, I perked my hole up, and that bitch went straight. And I was like, “Holy shit!” “I could’ve been doin’ this the whole fuckin’ time?” – Whoo! – “How did I not know this shit?” I’ll tell you why I didn’t know. ‘Cause of how women are taught to pee. How we’re taught to pee is fucked up. It’s trash. Especially in public. You know how we’re taught to pee? “Pull the pussy out! Put it away! Get out the bathroom, the rapist is coming. Move, move, move! You ain’t got time to hang out in here, bitch. Go!” Meanwhile, as soon as dudes see their dicks, they’re stretchin’ ’em, wrappin’ ’em around they leg, puttin’ them in they butt, seein’ how far they snap back, figurin’ shit out. There’s a grown woman in here. Grown as fuck, 35-plus, and every time she pee in public, a little pee go down her leg, and into her shoe. Grown! She just laughed back there. Grown! Piss in her shoe. Every time. Confused. “Why does this keep happenin’?” I’ll tell you why, goofy. ‘Cause you walk around all day, shit is movin’ around down there. You’re too scared to touch anything, you whip it out and piss, and now you got piss in your right shoe, you clown! Meanwhile, dudes have been standin’ upright for centuries, spellin’ their names in the snow! And you’re walkin’ around with piss in your shoe, and you want equal fuckin’ pay. Shut up! Even when you go into the men’s bathroom, it’s different, bro. They free in there. I go in there sometimes. I get away with it. They free in that motherfucker. They don’t care. They got little games in the urinal, they be peein’ on ice and shit, movin’ it around. Fuckin’ around. Dicks out, talkin’ wage gap, changin’ the world. Even the stall where they shit, sometimes, it don’t have a door. There’s no door on the stall. Why? Because they free. They’re like, “Shit happens back here, and if you don’t wanna see shit, don’t be in this goddamn corner. I don’t need a door. Just don’t come back here if you don’t wanna look at nobody shittin’, you fool.” Meanwhile, in women’s bathrooms, we’re hobbled in closets, you know what I mean? Can’t even move around. I got tired of this shit one day. I cracked the door. I said, “I’m not takin’ this shit anymore. It’s too tight in here. I’m peeing with the door cracked. I can’t take it.” And then this woman walked in, she swung the door open. ‘Cause of course, she assumed the stall was free. That was natural. What was unnatural is she saw me, she screamed, as if we both don’t have pussies and we both don’t know what goes on in the bathroom, and she tried to jam the door closed. But I held that bitch open. I said, “Mm-mm, baby girl. Don’t do that. Make eye contact with me. This is the revolution right here.” My girl talked about kids a lot… while we was traveling. That was pissing me off. ‘Cause we was just travelin’, being free lesbians. We was just bumpin’ pussies. You know? Just bumpin’ pussies, not worried about none of the rules. She kept bringin’ this fucking corny heteronormative shit into my life. “Don’t you want kids? Kids? Wouldn’t this be so much better if we were experiencing this with kids?” “bitch, no! No, it wouldn’t be better. I don’t want fucking kids. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t know, maybe I’ll do it, but not…” Mm! Mm, I got a lot of nephews. I’m all right. You know? I don’t fucking… Plus, when I do have a kid, I’ma buy a Asian baby. I already have a plan. I’m buyin’ a dope-ass Asian baby. I already know what I’m doin’. Give this motherfucker a Mohawk. Take him dippin’ and trippin’, you know? ‘Cause, like, kids cost money when you a fuckin’ gay person. When somethin’ costs money, you know what costs the most, and I need to stunt. I need to pull up with my Asian baby, hop out in that foreign– “What up, n i g g a? Look at this.” Take him to the park, shit on my frenemies, you know what I mean? I can’t wait. I can’t wait to wheel this little n i g g a round the park. “Oh, hey, Karen, you adopted, too? Where’s your baby from? Honduras? Broke bitch! Get that broke-bitch baby outta here, Karen. This motherfucker right here? He’s from Thailand. Matter of fact, he might be a she. Take three months to figure that out, bitch.” A fucking kid… Maybe I’ll do it. I don’t know. I probably will, ’cause she wants one, and who cares, right? Eventually, “Just fuckin’ fine. Have one. Whatever.” Plus, I don’t know, you need ’em. They represent you when… You know. You make ’em so they can be like, “That n i g g a was here.” You know? You die, you hope your kid’s still alive to be like, “They were a person.” You know, just represent you. I will do– I don’t know. I just think I’ma be bad at the shit, you know? Nobody’s good. Every parent sucks. If you’re out here and you’re parenting, you’re trash. No one does it right. Everyone fucks their kids up. Everyone makes a fucked-up, fucked-up kid. Everyone’s doin’ a little bit to fuckin’ damage the child. ‘Cause you were damaged, so how could you not, how could you not pass on the damage that was given to you? It’s just impossible. But you just keep enough of it. Like, “I could really fuck you up, but I’m only fucking you up a little, ’cause… there’s a lot that could go wrong, ’cause I’m really fucked up.” And you cough what you can, but everybody’s doin’ a shitty job. Everybody. The only way you know you’re doing an all right job is if your kids never tell you you were shitty, ’cause then they loved you, and you raised compassionate kids. If your kids are never like, “Hey, you fucked me up,” but just like, “You did a great job,” then you just raised good kids, ’cause they don’t wanna tell you the truth and hurt your feelings. If you got a kid who’s 40, still like, “I fuckin’ hate you!” you did a terrible job. That, and if you lose one of them n i g g a s, then– then you really failed. I think about that all the time. I don’t wanna be one of the ones that lose one of them n i g g a s, ’cause people be losin’ their kids… You lose one at a store, bitch, you suck. Shit! But I know I’ll be bad. I’ma be bad, ’cause no one– no one does this shit right. Everyone fucks it up a tad. No one trusts their parents. No one in here fully, a hundred percent trusted their parents, ’cause you seen your parents do fucked-up shit. You’ve heard ’em have fucked-up arguments, you know? You’ve seen their lives be in shambles when they thought they were keeping you from their lives being in shambles. They were trying to have those late-night conversations, which is, for a kid, like 10:30 at night. That’s when parents think it’s time to talk for real. ‘Cause they’re dumb. It’s like, no one’s asleep at 10:30, you idiot. You’re not asleep at 10:30. Everyone’s wide awake. They’re like, “Now’s the time to talk about it. Get down to the bottom of shit.” Everyone’s heard their parents yellin’ about some bullshit, like a $99 cable bill. “How are we gonna pay this?” “Your mother sucks!” “What is my house? I can’t trust anyone in this motherfucker.” ‘Cause parents like to present it like they got everything together. That’s the problem. Don’t lie. Stop coming like you got everything– You’re not good. Most of you start, 30 when you start. I’m 38. If I had a kid at 30, that n i g g a would be dead. You don’t know what you’re doin’. Be honest. “Hey, I don’t know what I’m doin’, but I’ma try to keep you alive. Sometimes, I’m not gonna be able to, so look out for yourself, little n i g g a. And let’s– let’s rock out.” “Let’s see if we make it.” Whoo! But, no, parents, “I got everything under control.” Fuck you. No, you don’t. I remember I heard my mom and my dad tryin’ to have a fight about my dad usin’ crack. And my dad… My dad… My mom was tryin’ to whisper, you know? She was tryin’ to have a whisper-fight with the n i g g a, but you can’t whisper to a crackhead. They’re loud as fuck. So, my mom’s whisperin’, and then my dad goes, “Who seen me do the crack?” Which means, n i g g a here did it. Now you’re just tryin’ to identify witnesses. Are they credible? Are they not credible? But you fucking did it! Now I’ma tell my mom about a problem? bitch, there’s whole crack in the house. We got bigger issues! Stranger Things is a whole show about kids not trusting their parents. Like, if a Demogorgon’s after you, tell your mom! These little n i g g a s is like, “All I got is these walkie-talkies and these bikes. They’re my best friends. ‘Cause that bitch can’t handle shit.” I remember when I was 11, I thought I was gonna be abducted by aliens. I did. I was convinced, you know? I was like, “Aliens are comin’ to get my ass.” And it’s because, when I was 11, I grew up in the ’90s. If you grew up in the ’90s, you know aliens was a big thing. It was huge. It was big shit. It was. There was Outer Limits, there was X-Files, there was Unsolved Mysteries, and then every once in a while, the History Channel would just be like, “Did they build the pyramids?” And just fuck your head up on a Wednesday night. Just throw a whole curveball at your ass. “What? They could’ve built the pyramids?” “Crop circles. Were they here?” “Oh, my God!” So I was fuckin’ stressed out. And I got in the shower one day, and I felt my leg pulsate a little bit. I was like, “That’s the tracker. That’s where them n i g g a s is gon’– That’s how they’re gonna get your girl.” So I started doin’ karate in my room at night. “Yah! Aah! “Waah!” Watchin’ Last Dragon and shit. “Eeh! Eeh! Ugh!” Started sleepin’ with a knife and a hammer under my pillow. Every night, sleeping with a knife and hammer under my pillow, ready for the action, you know? I was like, “When they come, stab ’em, bash ’em, stab ’em, bash ’em.” Then, one day, I go in my room. My mom’s sittin’ on my bed. She’s like, “We need to talk.” I’m like, “What’s up?” And she’s like, “Who’s hurtin’ you?” I was like, “What?” She’s like, “Tell me right now. Who’s coming in here at night and doin’ something to you?” I was like, “What are you talkin’ about?” She’s like, “Look at me. I don’t care if it’s your father, I don’t care if it’s one of your brothers. You need to tell me right now, who’s doing something to you?” Which, what a mom, bro. Word! ‘Cause my mother showed me, “I got your back, no matter fuckin’ what.” Like, what a big move. ‘Cause what if it was one of my brothers or my father? That’s a crazy thing to have to hear as a mother, but she was ready to take that shit for me. She was like, “Tell me.” And I looked my mom in the eye, and I told her how I was gonna be abducted by aliens. Because I’m a genius. And you could see in her eyes that a part of her wished I was bein’ molested. ‘Cause that would’ve been easier to process. And if you don’t think that fucked me up a little bit… Hey, y’all were dope as fuck. Have a good night. | Holy shit. What the fuck is up, Atlanta? This shit is fuckin’ amazing, man. Wow. This shit really hit me today. I was– I was walking to the venue and, you know, all the emotions. Like, this is my fucking special. I’m here, I’m doing the shit that I set out to do this whole fuckin’ time. You know? I was walking down, and I was– I was coming… through the alleyway, and I was like, “This is really some full-circle shit.” ‘Cause the last dude I fucked… I met at a bar right over there. The last dick I took, I met right over there. Yeah! Crazy! That was the last dick I sucked. Whoa! Every time I think about it, my mind’s blown. Like, “bitch, you was sucking dicks.” I don’t like dicks at all! Like, I know that for a fact. I don’t like dicks. I don’t even like wearing ’em when bitches ask me to. I don’t like dicks. And I was suckin’ whole dicks, just putting ’em in my mouth. The shit we’ll do to fit in, you know? I just wanted to be friends with my friends! I just wanted to be able to talk to my peer group. Like, “Yeah, girl, the balls are salty like that. The balls be salty as fuck. I know, girl. It’s crazy how salty the balls are.” Suckin’ whole dicks… Nutty! Never was good at it, either. D-minus dick-sucker. D-minus. Never won the dick-suck game. I had some nights– I had some Jordan flu game. “Tonight’s the night I ball!” You know, just go-hard nights. I have to say that disclaimer ’cause I’ll be like, “I’m a bad dick-sucker,” and somebody in the crowd’ll be like, “She sucked the shit out my dick!” I’ll be like, “Oh, God dammit! I did. That night, I did. I did… do the fuckin’ job.” Shit is wild, man. I’m with my girl. I travel everywhere with my girl, which is stupid. I bring my girl everywhere ’cause I love her, but also, uh, fuck her. You know, it’s annoying. Like, I’m in love, I’m in love. This is a woman I’ve chased. I’m in love. I’ve chased this woman for years. But also, like, “Oh, shut the fuck up and go away.” Like, we shouldn’t be taking trips together. I realized that that’s where I’m fucking up. We should be going on trips, but on separate trips. Like, she goes to Hawaii, I go to London, then we switch. You know what I mean? I go to Hawaii, she goes to London. So we see the same shit so we can talk about it later. We’ll have a dialogue, but we don’t actually have to be in the same fuckin’ space. ‘Cause that seems to be creating the problems. Recently, I went home, back to Boston. That’s where I’m from. I’m a Boston kid, you know? But I also don’t go back often because my whole family’s there. Like, all of them. I love ’em, but it’s a lot. Know what I mean? So I try to avoid it. But I was like, “My girl needs to meet my people. I’m goin’ home.” I take my girl, I go back home. It was nice at first. She met my favorite uncle. He’s my favorite ’cause every time I see him, he asks if I’m still gay. Which is nice. Every time I see him, he’s like, “Hey, you still messin’ with the ladies?” Like, one day, I was like, “Nah, Unc, back suckin’ these dicks! Back on these dicks, partner. That’s what… Puttin’ my mouth on balls again, baby. That’s… how I like to live.” But it was dope. It was nice for my girl to just see… where the fuck I come from, you know? You always want that with your partner. Just see how I grew up. See the people that raised me. Just get to know me a little bit better. And all of that felt really good. We was havin’ a great time. I took her out, she met my friends from high school. Lot of my homegirls, they were telling her stories about how I used to have my titties out and shit, you know? Just lettin’ her know who I used to be. Everything was chill. Everything was comfortable. It felt great. But it got awkward ’cause I bumped into the dude I lost my virginity to. – Oh, shit! – It was weird, as we look the same now. Like, same outfit, same haircut. “What’s up, n i g g a? What the fuck you… What’s good with you, cuz? Fuck you want?” I saw him before he saw me. I was like, “Shit, I sucked his dick.” You know, like, I was… “Oh, my God!” Because, for a dyke, when you see old dicks you sucked, they’re like hauntings, you know? It’s just like, “Remember you used to do this?” Like, “Oh, my God.” “Please don’t come this fuckin’ way.” I was like, “God, I sucked his dick. What’s he gonna do?” He seen me. At first, he was cool. He gave me the “you know you sucked my dick” head nod, kept it moving. He was just like, “You know what you did.” “I know, I know, I know.” Weird, though, weird to be around my girl, trying to be the best man I’m gonna be and then seeing a dick I sucked. I was like, “I don’t like this at all.” Then he said the dumbest thing to me. We’re standing across from each other, he went, “I just need to say this. I just hope I’m not the reason… you’re like this.” Like, n i g g a, what? You think your 15-year-old dick swayed me in any direction? We were fucking kids, man. We could’ve been humpin’ mattresses, you know? Hell, no! Just sometimes, people be gay and don’t know it. It’s possible. I was a whole gay bitch, didn’t know. People knew before me. I came out, some of my old friends was like, “Duh, bitch!” I was like, “Really? Really? You knew this whole time? ‘Cause this whole time, I was for sure thinkin’ I liked dick.” I did. I did! I knew I wasn’t enjoying sex. My homegirls would talk about sex. I was like, “I don’t like it like they like it,” but I didn’t think I didn’t like dick. I just thought, “I ain’t found the right dick yet.” They’d be like, “When you feel it in your stomach…” I was like, “Ooh, that’s my least favorite part, when you… When it hit the stomach, you know it’s really there. You can’t– I don’t like that at all.” But I didn’t think I didn’t like dick. I just thought, you know, “Keep suckin’ these dicks. Concentrate. Work harder. Focus on the dicks you’re suckin’. Visualize. You’ll fucking get there.” That’s why representation matters, man. It does. It matters. You need to see yourself in the fuckin’ world. Like, I didn’t realize you could be black and gay and, like, fly and shit. Like, I’m from Boston, bro. We didn’t have black dykes. We didn’t have black dykes. We had white dykes. They drove Subarus and had long armpit hair. And I was like, “No.” I was like, “No, that’s not what I am. I’m not that. I don’t do that. I’m not with that.” We had one black dyke, and that bitch was on crack. And I was like, “If that’s what dyking leads to, that’s not a life for me. I need to focus on these dicks. Concentrate.” “Concentrate and work hard and make somethin’ of myself.” You honestly couldn’t be black and gay outside of Atlanta until 2012. It just didn’t exist anywhere else in the world. So I didn’t know, you know? I was like, “Nah, man, I’m just… into licking these dicks and balls.” Not at all. And then I ate a pussy, and I was like, “bitch!” The world opened the fuck up. I was like, “Oh, this is what everyone said when they said they like it.” I never understood the liking it part. I was like, “Sex is just a job. You don’t like it, you just do it.” And then, fuck it. But, no, you can like it. Like, now I eat pussy, I’m like, “This is it, I’m a winner. Now I’m winning. I feel in control. I know what the fuck I’m doing. This is where I was supposed to be. In the pussy.” Now I’m in love, so I’m only in one pussy, and that’s weird. It’s weird ’cause I know it’s the only pussy I’m gonna be in forever. It’s not always great, right? When you fuck the same person forever, you know, there’s downsides to that. There’s highs and lows. Cause now, we’ve been fucking since, I don’t know, we was 22? I’m 30-something, so it’s like, “I don’t care about this pussy anymore.” Like, I love her, but the pussy, I don’t give a fuck. It could come, it could go, it could not be there. But I’m tryin’ to do it. I am. I’m like, I’m in love. That’s why I bring her everywhere. That’s why we travel and shit. We just went to Europe recently. Three weeks in Europe. Big fuckin’ mistake. Three weeks. Mm-mm-mm. Too long. Shouldn’t have done it. It was fucked up before we even left New York. Before we got out our apartment, it was problematic. It started with the packing. Everything broke down with the fuckin’ packing. Everything was goin’ good. We was packing, she was packing, I was packin’, everything felt respectable. But then she started packin’ a third bag. And that really confused me, ’cause she only has two arms. So I was like, “How you packin’ three bags with two arms, baby girl? You don’t got enough arms for the bags you packin’. What a presumptuous, bold fuckin’ move, to pack bags you don’t got fuckin’ arms for! Who’s supposed to be in charge of these fuckin’ bags? Who’s gonna be the boss, bitch? I don’t understand.” Then we got to an airport and it caused a fight because she forgets I’m not a man, I’m not a fucking man. I’m not. So I don’t have any chivalry. I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck. I am a whole bitch. I have no chivalry in me. Are you crazy? So it’s not like I saw her struggling with the bags and was like, “I can’t let my baby struggle!” “I gotta get these bags!” Fuck, no! I was just like, “Stupid bitch! Bring less bags. Dumb motherfucker. That was dumb as all hell.” “Bringin’ bags you ain’t got enough arms for. Who the fuck does that? You see, I got bags for arms, baby girl. That’s how I goddamn roll. Hell’s wrong with you?” So she’s strugglin’, lookin’ stupid, and I’m just watching like, “Mm-mm-mm,” you know? “Mm.” Then this dude comes and tries to save the day, ’cause that’s what dudes like to do, you know? Especially when men see a masculine woman. That’s their favorite shit. They like to come, like, “I got the real dick.” You know? Filthy fucks. “I got the real– Where you want– Where you need my dick to go? What bag my dick gotta pick up? What you want my dick— You need my dick over here?” “Shut up.” This fucking clown come– “I got the real– I got the real dick.” And he jacks up the bag, and he looks at me, and he’s like, “Now what?” Like, “n i g g a, get mine too! You gettin’ bags, get all the bitches’ bags! The fuck you think? I’m a lady. Carry my shit.” “Be a fuckin’ gentleman.” It doesn’t help that I’m a nervous flier. I’ll say that. I didn’t help. I’m a very nerve-racked flier. I hate fuckin’ flying. I’m thinkin’ about dying the whole time. The entire trip, I’m just like, “I’m fuckin’ dead up here,” you know? I think if you’re not thinkin’ about dying, you’re a psychopath. I don’t know anyone who’s just up there, like, “This is how God intended it.” You know, what the fuck? Clearly, we have no business up there. We’re watchin’ ESPN, we’re drinkin’. Who the fuck do we think we are? So ballsy. Chill out. You know? This is delicate. Then we like to give the illusion of safety. “In case of an emergency.” bitch, we’re dead if there’s an emerg– This motherfucker’s in the exit row with his shoes off, drunk. He’s saving all of us? He’s the guy? He’s the point man? Fuck you! Fuck you! You don’t give a shit about us. I watched you give this man drinks! Maybe don’t serve drinks to the exit row n i g g a s. Of all the n i g g a s! Maybe they have to be sober. You want me to feel safe in the skies… Kiss my ass! I think about death in a weird– I don’t think like how most– I think most people think some regular-ass shit. Right? They think, like, I don’t know, “What if the pilot takes us into a mountain today ’cause he hates his fuckin’ life?” Or, “What if the engine fails?” That’s normal thoughts. I think crazy, crazy shit. I think, like, what if the company that makes the chemical that makes the doo-doo block… Okay, so when you’re on a plane and you shit or you piss, it don’t just go to the birds, baby. Right? You don’t just flush it, it’s in the sky. No, it stays on the fuckin’ plane. Like a camper. And there’s a chemical in there, and it makes a gelatinous mess, and when you land, they suck that shit out, they put a new chemical in for your next flight. I be thinking, what if the doo-doo block company, right, the chemical company… What if they skimp on a chemical? Just on some American greed shit. American companies are trash. They’re always doin’ this type of fuckin’ shit, cuttin’ corners. We know this, cuttin’ corners, doin’ funny shit. What if one of these fuckin’ companies, like, “Know what? We’re not buyin’ boric acid this month. We don’t fuckin’ need boric acid. It’s $30,000 a unit and it really doesn’t do anything.” Then I’m in the sky, I take a shit, the plane’s half a pound heavier, boom, into a mountain. Fuckin’ dead. That’s what the hell goes on in my brain. Shit that can’t be cured with no safety video. You know? Fuck are you– So I’m nervous. I’m on edge. As soon as I get on the plane, I’m on edge, I’m on it. I’m makin’ sure everyone’s phone’s on airplane mode. ‘Cause that’s everybody’s job. I’m just, like, “Look at him. Why this n i g g a on Candy Crush like that? Who’s gonna do somethin’ about that? That’s weird. I don’t like any of this.” Then I sit down, and I notice my girl still fuckin’ around on her phone. She ain’t fuckin’ changed her shit yet. She playin’ games and shit. So I’m like, “Hey, baby, when you gonna do it? The guy said do it. I think you should go ahead and do it.” And she snaps at me ’cause she’s still mad over the bag shit. So she’s like, “You ain’t gotta do it till the plane takes off!” And it’s like, “bitch, you don’t build planes! You don’t. You’re not a plane scientist or no shit like that. You do it when the n i g g a drivin’ the plane says it’s time to do it! That’s the opportune time.” And that caused another fight, ’cause I hit the button on that bitch. I was like, “Bing, get her the fuck outta here. Mm-mm-mm-mm. I’m not goin’ in the sky with this bitch, she actin’ up on the ground. How the fuck we gonna go in the sky? You not followin’ the ground rules, baby girl! That don’t add up.” So then, I’m in my seat and shit, right, and now we fightin’. We tryin’ to whisper-fight like white people. You know, tryin’ to get a good whisper-fight in. We… pss-pss-pss-pss. Pffft! You know? That goofy, goofy stuff. And her main thing is, like, she likes to fuck with me. Like, she likes to, like, say shit to me like she’s reminding me I’m a woman. Like I don’t… I fuckin’ know that, you know? But she likes to– ‘Cause of my outfits and shit. Know what I mean? ‘Cause of how I dress. She’s like… “I’ma break you down, remind you you a whole bitch.” I was like, “bitch, I got a pad in these boxer briefs. I know what’s happenin’. I don’t need this energy from you. Goofy ass.” So we’re sittin’ in the seat, and we’re arguin’, and then she’s like, “What the fuck are you so afraid of, you scaredy bitch? Are you on your period?” And I was like, “Waaaah!” Huh! I got so fuckin’ mad! Balled up my fist real tight like I was about to punch the seat in front of me. Like I was just gonna act, you know? But the last time I did that, we were at the house. I balled my fist up and punched the wall, and then I just hurt my hand real bad. Nothin’ happened. So I was like, “Let me chill.” So I was just like, “Aaah! What to do? Aaaah!” And then I just told the truth. I was like, “I’m afraid to die!” I yelled that on a plane. Just put it out there, you know? Just fuckin’ be honest. But as soon as I said it, I realized it’s not true. I think I needed to hear it out loud. I was like, “That’s not it. I’m not afraid to die. Actually, death is inevitable, I know it’s gonna happen. I’m not afraid to die.” I realized in that moment what I’m afraid of is surviving. I don’t wanna survive a plane crash. I think about bein’ that one asshole floatin’ on a piece of wing… in the middle of the ocean way more than I think about death. Just… On some Life Of Pi shit. “Just live, n i g g a.” No! That’s trash. No! I don’t wanna survive shit. You don’t come out of nothing you survive clean. It don’t matter. If someone says, “I’m a survivor,” they’re fucked up a bit. They ain’t clean. It’s fucked up. I survive a plane crash, now my arm’s lopsided like this forever. Forever, I just gotta be like this when I talk to people. That’s trash. My fingertips don’t work right no more, so I can’t grip shit. I can’t pick nothin’ up, forever. I can’t grip with it, I can’t grab shit. I lose my legs, and now I gotta be the no-legs comic. I gotta roll up here with no legs. “I used to have legs, but they gone. Y’all heard about the crash. Don’t worry about me.” Bullshit! Fuck that. No! Or I float on a deserted island, and then it’s just like, “Fight for your life!” Like, everything’s intact, and it’s just like, “Get it in!” ‘Cause that’s the problem with survival. Survival begs the question, “Do you have the will to live?” And the answer is no. I already know that. I don’t give a fuck about life enough to fight for it, for real. Like, every time I watch Cast Away, I’m like, “n i g g a, just be dead! What the fuck are you doin’? Lay on the beach and let the waves take you, dawg. This is ridiculous!” Walking Dead? Once my phone’s dead, bro, I’m dead. Where am I goin’ without a GPS? I don’t know how to use a compass. I’m not white. White people still… I don’t know. Like, y’all preparin’ for some shit but y’all won’t tell us what it is. Y’all move so weird, man. Y’all actions are weird! Y’all gettin’ ready. And the world’s endin’. Everything’s burnin’, we get it, and y’all preparin’. Just tell us. Tell us what’s happenin’! Stop keepin’ this shit to yourself. They do weird shit. They just get lost in the woods for no– “Let’s just follow the North Star out.” bitch, why? Doing Tough Mudders and shit, just runnin’ through the mud. Just runnin’– Why? But when you think about it, when mudslides hit, them n i g g a s gonna be movin’, doof, doof, doof! N i g g a s, on the other hand, we’re fucked. We prepare for nothin’. We have no plan for the end of the world, and it’s clear it’s happenin’. All we’re gonna do is meet in Atlanta. That’s n i g g a s‘ plan. Just meet in Atlanta. Just gonna be a bunch of n i g g a s in front of a Waffle House, like, “Well, I assumed– I assumed this was the spot, and then… and then we’d talk about what’s next.” “Thought we’d get together first. What I wanna know is, who’s cookin’? Who’s doin’ the cookin’ this whole time?” Jesus! They’re gettin’ ready, for real. Watch these motherfuckers. They move funny! All their actions are in preparedness, but we don’t know for what, right? Like, I was watching Naked And Afraid for the first time last week. Why the fuck are you doin’ that shit, white people? You just wanna know you can live naked and scared? N i g g a, both? Why both? Both together, not even separate? That’s crazy! Bunch of white dudes died climbin’ the Himalayas. What the fuck you goin’ up there for? Everything you need down here! You just wanna know you can sleep with less air? Where the air goin’? N i g g a, the air runnin’ out? We losin’ air? Tell us! Why y’all keepin’ this shit to yourselves? Put everybody on, goddamn. I saw a bunch of white people checkin’ their restin’ heart rate the other day. “Bitch, we about to have to run? Where we going? Bitch, where we going? Why are you just checkin’ that shit? What do y’all know that I don’t know? I don’t like that.” This n i g g a Elon Musk be goin’ to space by hisself. What the fuck is that white man doin’ in space alone? That’s not suspicious to anybody but me? That this motherfucker goes to space without the government, without NASA? Which I didn’t even know you could fuckin’ do! As far as I knew, they were the space n i g g a s. They run space! You wanna fuck with space, you gotta fuck with them. This motherfucker built a spaceship like it’s a go-kart, goes on Tuesdays. bitch, space day is Saturday! Everybody know that! You can’t leave midweek to go to goddamn space! It’s an event. It happens Saturday, the TV’s on. This n i g g a be goin’ Wednesday night. What? From Sacramento, at that. bitch, space place is Cape Canaveral. That’s where you go from. Ain’t no entry point to Mars from fuckin’ Sacramento. And when you’re goin’ to space, you at least tell the people. It’s a PSA. Get on the goddamn news, say, “Hey, people, I’m about to fuck around in space. Don’t be alarmed.” This n i g g a just went. We thought it was aliens. “Is it aliens?” “No, just Elon doin’ donuts in the sky.” What the fuck is this? Whoo! White man ambition is some shit. You wanna know where the racism is? That’s where the fuck it is, white men. I know y’all still confused. Look at him. “What are you talkin’ about?” Fuckin’ confused. ‘Cause they don’t get– Everyone learns the history. So you’re like, “No one’s gettin’ hung, and we ain’t beatin’ nobody. I work next to a black guy, and he has a car, so… equality.” Just lay the fuck down, rest easy, ’cause everything’s fair. Fuckin’ nut job! Everything’s not fair! ‘Cause while you’re sleepin’, you’re dreamin’ about buyin’ Mars, n i g g a! I’ve never thought I could do no shit like that a day in my life. I thought about havin’ all the money. I thought, “If I get all the money, I’m gonna buy them gold ceilings Master P had in Cribs.” “That’s what the fuck I’ma do when I get all the goddamn money.” Space by my goddamn self, bitch? Never! Even if I thought about goin’ to space, I’d call NASA first. “Yo, NASA, this Sam. Can I go? You know what? It is Tuesday. Space day is Saturday.” So we land in London… We land in London, and we decided not to fight anymore, ’cause I think that’s how couples traveling work, right? You get to the place you’re supposed to be, you’re like, “We can fight where we pay rent. Let’s just try to fuckin’ be friends. We’ve never seen any of this shit before. Let’s just try to be cool,” right? So we get to London. “We’re in London, what are we gonna do? Which is new shit for me, ’cause I’m a grown-up, and now I go out in the daytime. I used to be able to travel like this. “Let’s sleep all day and get fucked up all night. I wanna see this city high and drunk,” you know? But now I’m an old bitch, I’m like, “I wanna see architecture. I wanna know how… how they built the buildings.” We get to London, I’m like, “We still got some time, let’s go to a fuckin’ museum.” My girl’s like, “Hell, yeah. Let’s go.” ‘Cause we old bitches, and old bitches like the museum. But we’re not that old, so we took mushrooms first, ’cause, yeah… Fuckin’ turn the museum up. So we take these shrooms… and we’re like, “Let’s get out, let’s do it.” We go to the British Museum. That’s the biggest fuckin’ museum in London, in the city. We go to the British Museum. It’s huge. I was overwhelmed. I was high as shit. I walked in, I was like, “Holy shit.” ‘Cause it was wing after wing after wing of stuff, and it blew my mind ’cause I was like, “Wow, white people stole all this shit!” “Stole so much shit!” “All this shit is stolen. That’s crazy!” It was like, “Wow! They stole everything in this motherfucker!” The audacity! I think that’s the real word to describe white people. It’s not racist. Audacious! The fuckin’ audacity! ‘Cause everyone steals. I’m not saying you’re the only one that steals. Everybody steals. n i g g a s steal, black people steal, but when we steal, we spread the shit out. ‘Cause we’re afraid. We’re like, “They might come at any moment. Try to get back some of this shit. So put some at Joe’s, put some over here…” Not the white man. “Put it all in one building.” “Erect a fortress for it. And, yes, charge them $20 to see it. Their own shit.” “And if one of ’em touches it, shoot ’em.” Jesus! But they got all the culture. Another thing that fucked me up when I was London. I was like, “These motherfuckers got all the culture. We don’t have shit. We’re trash.” We have no culture in America. We think we do. “We’ll go see the Liberty Bell.” That’s garbage. It’s trash. It’s trash. It’s all just young, ignorant– We don’t have good– They have Rembrandts, they got Shake– They got the fucking culture, you know? And as Americans, we just fiend out for their culture. We just be goin’ over there, “Let me get some of your culture. Let me borrow a Rembrandt for two million for one month, ’cause my kids need some art,” you know? They got all the shit. I was with my girl, we went into this one room, we went to the Egypt side. We went into this one room, there was six mummies in one room. Fuckin’ blew my mind. I was like, “Babe, look, six mummies in here.” She got all attitudey. She was like, “Why you actin’ like that? Why you actin’ like you never been nowhere?” She thought I was being one of those people that go to another country and act like it’s so much better than America. Which is annoying, you know? Go somewhere, people are like, “Flowers in America don’t look like this.” Like, shut the fuck up. That’s irritating. She thought I was doing that. She was like, “What’s the big deal? You seen a mummy before.” And I was like, “Yeah, bitch, one! I ain’t never seen six together in one room!” That’s how they do us in America, ’cause we borrowin’ the culture. In America, we get one mummy. Every three summers! And we work that n i g g a like Joe Jackson worked the Jackson 5. “Listen up, Mummy! Tomorrow, Memphis. Schenectady! Take your ass down to Ohio.” We left the museum. We was like, “Let’s get a cab.” I was like, “Fuck it, let’s Uber. Let’s see what the London Uber shit is like.” Like it was gonna be less rapey or somethin’. Like, “Maybe it’s not as rapey, or maybe it’s rapey with, like, a tip of the hat or somethin’.” Just somethin’ different, you know? So we get an Uber, and I– I will say this– I didn’t like, also, being overseas… ‘Cause… I just feel like people are ballsy now ’cause of who the president is, how, like, our country is, like, so people feel like they can just talk shit to you, you know? You go to a foreign country, people are like, “Huh,” you know? Think they can take fucking shots ’cause they think our country’s in despair. So I get in the Uber, and as soon as he hears my accent, the motherfucker goes off. He’s like, “Ugh, America, ugh, eurgh… Eurgh! Trump! Bleurgh! When are you guys gonna do–” Like, n i g g a, Theresa May, Hitler. Suck my dick. Yeah! Like you don’t have your fuckin’ problems. Lick my balls. Get out of here. I don’t get defensive. I think a lot of people get fuckin’ defensive, you know? Especially liberals. Liberals like to defend America. “Don’t judge us by the president. We are such a better country than the president.” No the fuck we’re not! If we were, he wouldn’t be the fucking president. That’s not how shit works. We’re better than Trump? We’re a country of Golden Corral buffets. Who the fuck do be think we are? Trash! We’re trash. Troughs of macaroni, 9.99 prime rib. That’s our shit. Garbage shit. Dollar burgers from fast-food restaurants, then we complain when them shits gives us cancer. “Hey! This 99-cent meat almost killed me!” Duh, bitch! How the fuck you think you get 99-cent meat? You stretch it out with a little bit of cancer! There’s only one way to make this shit! How else do you think we achieve this fuckin’ goal? You… dummy. Plus, I don’t know… Trump’s our first n i g g a president. That’s gotta matter. In the history and shit. I’m talking about history-wise. I’m not talkin’ about right now. I’m talking about when we look back at the world. “Oh, we in the history books.” Pfft, pfft. We’re gonna see Barack. We’ll be like, “Oh, good black man.” There’s Trump, a whole n i g g a. First time we ever had a n i g g a in the White House, and the first n i g g a is white. That gotta mean somethin’. He ain’t ever been a president. That’s why Democrats can’t beat him. They know how to deal with presidents. Not how to deal with n i g g a s. This is all back-of-the-bus energy. They don’t know what the fuck to do with that. Every decision is a n i g g a decision. He ain’t never been presidential. He just let 11 of his friends outta jail for no reason. Everything y’all thought the black one was gonna do. If you white and voted for him, everything you thought the black– He was just like, “Let ’em out.” “Why?” “‘Cause I like ’em. They my friends. Let ’em out.” He killed an Iranian general. He killed a general of another country that we have consistently had problems with. Killed this man, and first of all, I didn’t even know we was mad at them at the moment. Had no idea. That’s how you know that was some personal n i g g a shit. That was beef. He was like, “If you see the n i g g a slidin’, hit my jack. I don’t like that motherfucker.” “You catch him dipping, hit my jack, hit my jack. I got somethin’ for his ass.” Confused Iran so much, they put 80 mil on his head. They didn’t know what to do. That’s not how diplomat– Just, “80 mil on the n i g g a head.” Like it was a WorldStar beef. “Put 80 mil on his head, 20 mil for the chain.” I don’t what’s happenin’ in the world anymore. And when a president makes a move like that, the president kills the leader of another country, the president gets on the news. Matter of fact, every channel becomes the fucking news. You turn on any channel, it’s the president, from the Oval, and he’s like, “Hey, man, some heinous shit went down. But I’m the president, and I had to protect y’all. And I do what’s right, and I stand for what’s right, so you don’t ever have to worry about it ’cause I got your back. President out. America’s the best.” That’s what the president does. A n i g g a gets on Twitter… …tweets the American flag like it’s a Crip bandana… and is like, “What’s cracking? I don’t like the n i g g a. What are you… Who’s confused?” From the top of his presidency, he’s been on this shit. Very early, we brought him a serious prob– We’re like, “Hey, Mr. President, kids are bringing guns to schools. They’re shootin’ up schools. What do we do?” He was like, “Get the teachers guns, then. n i g g a s bustin’ at you, bust back. That’s what– that’s what I always say. That’s how you handle shit in the projects.” Plus, I don’t know, me and my girl’s dynamic is all fucked up, still. Like, we gotta work out all our shit. Like, right now, we not celebratin’ holidays. We canceled all the holidays. I don’t fuck with none of them. Valentine’s Day, Christmas… Only thing we do is birthdays. I don’t do shit else. She thinks I’m being mean. I’m like, “No, we’ll celebrate the holidays again when you get a job.” Right now, she’s not workin’, right? And when I met my girl, she all the– Like, It’s not like my girl don’t get her shit off, but right now, she just in a transition, she not working. And when I met her, I didn’t make any money. I was broke. She made a lot of money. But now, it’s the opposite. I make a lotta, lotta money and she makes, like, zero money. So, no, we not doin’ holidays. What the fuck am I gonna do a holiday with you for? It’s not fair. It’s not equal. We’re not having equal transactions, like two adults should. Right? It’s not like I buy her a Louis bag, she buys me some Gucci shoes. Holiday? No. I buy her a Louis bag and then she gives me a coupon for a back rub like she’s seven fucking years old. I gotta look in her eyes, act like this is a respectable fucking gift ’cause she’s put me on the spot! “This is from my heart, and I mean it.” “bitch, I don’t want a back rub from you! You don’t even know how to back rub right!” So, no. No holidays. I don’t want to bring a kid into this. Now I gotta pay for her, pay for you, do all this shit, protect you both ’cause she thinks that too, ’cause she’s crazy. You know, I get that I’m wearin’ the outfit, but, n i g g a, I can’t fight. Chill! These fuckin’ underwears don’t give me superpowers, honey. The other day, I was in the shower, she went to the store and she didn’t lock the fuckin’ door. That’s how I know she thinks I can handle everything. That’s crazy… to leave a woman in the shower, titties soaped up. Get what I’m saying? I’m in the shower, my titties are soapy. I got soapy titties in this shower. And my shit‘s perky. They sit… I pop these shits out the bra, they only go to here. They good. These is good titties. Not a lot of wear and tear ’cause I don’t take a lot of dick, so they not bouncin’ around. Solid titties. You understand what I’m sayin’? Up here. On point. So I get out the shower, I check the door, the shit is unlocked. I was livid! Livid. I was like, “Yo, that’s fucked up. How dare you don’t lock the door.” She was like, “How did you even know it was unlocked?” Like, “bitch, ’cause I’m a bitch, and I checked. I’m petty, bitch. What are you talkin’ about? The first thing I did, hit that lock, see what you was on. And figured out you on bullshit!” She was like, “I don’t get the big deal.” I was like, “The big deal is whenever you’re in the house and I leave the house, I lock up the house, ’cause that’s the rules of pussy. Pussy in the house, lock it up. Everybody know that. Everyone’s been taught that. Pussy inside, lock the pussy inside. You don’t leave it loose, willy-nilly, for anything to fuckin’ happen!” She left me ass-naked in the shower as if the rapist was gonna come in and be like, “Nah, she got a fade. I ain’t gonna do it.” “What I don’t do is take fade pussy. That’s off the menu. I take all types of ass, but not the one that’s faded.” Jesus Christ! The other night, we were in bed, we both heard somethin’. I said, “Babe, did you hear that?” She’s like, “Yeah, go check.” “bitch, why me? If there’s a whole n i g g a in here, we both need to go check. It’s gonna take two of us to get him the fuck outta here. What are you talkin’ about? We both might end up suckin’ this dude’s dick at the end of the day. And, bitch, you’re on the balls, ’cause I pay the rent.” “I’m not suckin’ balls and payin’ rent, baby girl. I’m all tip then shaft. Them balls are yours.” Oh, shit! Then we gotta have that goofy shit over cereal. “We did what we had to do. Let’s not talk about the shit.” “But, babe, you was really suckin’ them balls.” Goin’ down! Whew! Plus, I don’t know, fucking kids suck nowadays, you know? I don’t wanna bring a kid into this– Every kid now, they’re shitty. They’re all too smart. Shut up. They’ve all got all these wild fuckin’ opinions about the world, know who they are at two and shit. I don’t want– I don’t got the energy for that. I want a dumbass kid. I want a ’90s baby. Put some fucking play dough in your ear and just stare at the TV. Don’t want an astute fucking– I do want a weird one. I do want a little weird one, though. I did think that. I want a little Jaden Smith. I want a little weird fucker. I do. I just want a kid, I don’t know what he’s on. Like, one day, he’s a ninja, the next day, he’s gay. The next day, he’s into polygamy. I’m like, “Yeah, fuck that, do it all!” I want a little– Mm! I hate when black people don’t fuck with Jaden Smith. I love what… I see that as progress. I’m like, “It’s so great.” Like, when– Especially hyper-masculine dudes, “What they doin’ to that kid? They raisin’ that kid all weird!” It’s like, “Yeah, that’s dope! We need a weird one. Finally, we got a weird black kid. That’s amazing.” Like, every time I see Jaden Smith, I feel like one of those slaves in Django when he rode by on that horse. I’m like, “Look at this magical n i g g a! Just doin’ whatever he wants.” This motherfucker is dressed like Batman with no shoes on, singin’ about the stars, kissin’ white women in the mouth. That’s Martin Luther King’s dream! Let’s celebrate that shit. That’s amazing. I want a little weird one. I just don’t want one of these super-smart ones that knows everything. Like, I don’t want a little Greta Thunberg baby. I don’t. I hate that little bitch. I hate that little fuckin’ girl, and I hate that you can’t say you hate the little fuckin’ girl ’cause she autistic or whatever. That’s so stupid. That’s so stupid. I don’t hate the girl ’cause she’s autistic. I’m not a fuckin’ savage. I hate her ’cause she annoying, and those are separate things. You can be autistic and annoying, bitch. I know plenty of autistic n i g g a s not annoying. They know a lot about Star Wars, they got facts I didn’t have. It’s dope. This little bitch? Ugh, shut up. Like, her parents gotta be exhausted. Like, “Okay, bitch, we get it. Okay. Okay. Okay!” I hate her attitude. I get the message, it’s the way she’s presentin’ it that’s fuckin’ trash. People wanna accept that and be real about that. It’s like, tell the truth. Her presentation sucks. Right? I would fuck with her more if her attitude was this. “Everybody’s fucked up. We all messed up the planet. And we all need to come together to fix this, ’cause we all did bad.” But her message is, “Adults, you fucked up. Adults, you left me a bad planet. Adults, you did wrong.” bitch, the shit was fucked up for me too! What the fuck are you talkin’ about? I didn’t walk onto a pristine Earth, bitch! This shit been bad– Matter of fact, when I was a kid, they told me California was gonna be gone by now, bitch. Be glad that shit‘s still here, motherfucker. Dummy. They’ve never given a fuck about the future. No one cares about the future. People care about their kids. That’s it. When I was seven, I went to Disney World on a plane full of cigarette smoke. Coughed the whole way. All they did was offer me Sprite. “You want some Sprite, little n i g g a?” “Clear that cough up, or whatever you got goin’ on.” Supposed to care about this bitch. Shut up! A lot of shit goin’ on. It would be weird to bring kids– There’s a lot of shit. I might have a kid, she’s three, and she knows she’s trans. I’m not ready for that. I don’t have the energy to talk to a trans three-year-old. Like, “bitch, I don’t know. What? What are you saying? I don’t know. Just color with the other color, then, bitch. Go away.” “Just use blue, then. I don’t fucking care!” I don’t wanna be stressed about this shit. I’m not gonna act like I have the answers. I think that’s the problem. We act like we have all the answers. It’s like, no, you can be confused. I think sometimes, people– Even I have this, as a queer person. I sometimes take people’s confusion as an attack. It’s like, no, they just don’t fuckin’ know. I think also, sometimes, people be confused and be attacking. You know what I mean? You’re so confused until, like, “It ain’t right!” Both of those things are wrong, and somewhere in the middle is the right answer, which is no one knows what the fuck they’re talkin’ about. There’s a bunch of gray, and we don’t have all the answers yet, ’cause the world is moving faster than fucking what we’re ready to think about. And it’s okay to be uncomfortable, it’s okay to be confused. It’s not okay to say people shouldn’t have the same rights as you. That’s what’s not okay. But you can– You can be all the other shit, ’cause that’s fucking human. Confusion is fucking reasonable. There’ll be a lot of things we don’t get and a lot of questions we’re gonna have. My homey called me the other day, and he was like, “Hey, n i g g a, I got a question, and you should know the answer ’cause you gay.” That kinda charged me up, I’m not gonna lie. I was like, “What? I’m the gayest n i g g a you know. What the fuck is the question? I got all the gay facts, n i g g a. What?” And he was like, “What do you do when you see a trans bitch beatin’ up a regular bitch?” And I was like, “Mmm? That, I don’t know. No, I don’t have an answer for that.” I know some of y’all are gettin’ tight. I feel it. Y’all gettin’ tight, like, “What does she mean, regular…” First of all, he’s not gay, he just did it the best he could, you know? He called everyone bitches, so it was universal. Chill out. But we really don’t have the answer to that. That’s somethin’ I didn’t think about till he presented it. What are we gonna do when trans bitches start beatin’ up regular bitches? As a regular bitch, I’m a tad bit concerned. Not gonna lie. I don’t wanna be in a fight with one of these motherfuckers. “Let them fight!” “No, get this n i g g a off me.” “This motherfucker is strong in ways I did not expect. Please help.” I’m not sayin’ trans women aren’t women. I’m not one of those corny-ass– Trans women are women, shut the fuck up, but when one of those women’s hands is big enough to palm a football… and she’s cavin’ the other woman’s chest in, we gotta make some notes… maybe figure out a new approach, how we’re gonna work this shit out, to move on as a goddamn society. I hate women that don’t embrace trans women. That’s corny. “They’re not real women.” Shut up! They’re real women. They’re contourin’, waxin’ all the shit. They’re doin’ everything you do, goofy. Pluckin’ their chin hairs, you dumbass. Plus, what are you talkin’ about? Women who don’t embrace trans women, what are you saying? Who do you think we are? We need these super bitches. Are you stupid? These are our X-Men. The world is about to change for us. Get fuckin’ excited. This is a goddamn blessing. What are you sayin’? Lombardi Trophy, here we come! We ’bout to be NFL champions, baby! With these trans bitches on our team, it’s gonna be lit! You thought we was gonna get to a NFL championship without these bitches, you’re stupid! Fuck, no, we wasn’t. I was arguing with this lady. She was like, “We could do it… regular cisgendered women… she could…” Fuck you! No, they couldn’t. No, they couldn’t. Let’s say, miraculously, we had some cisgender woman who gets all the way to the NFL. She’s never fucking been touched all her career, right? She’s some flat-chested phenom. That’s what she’d have to be to cut through the wind so no one could get her, she couldn’t have no titties. She’s flat-chested, and she just… bam, bam, bam, bam! Her whole career, wham! “Oh, my God, they can’t touch her!” Bam! Why? ‘Cause she aerodynamic ’cause the titties gone. Wham! Let’s say this happens in the fucking world. She’s gonna get to the NFL, she’s gonna get tackled once, and the bitch is gonna die. Dead. We need a trans bitch, high-steppin’, face-maskin’. Gettin’ the fuck in. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to see it. She gonna be in her Fashion Nova dress, holdin’ the trophy over… “Aaaaah!” Lit. bitch lit. Triple D titties ’cause she’s trans and confident. Titties out to here. You, ma’am, say you out– say you out for a night on the town with all your friends. One of your friends is a trans woman. You have the night of your life. Everyone’s pussy‘s sweaty when you leave the club. One of those nights. Everyone pussy sweat. Pussy sweat all around. You’ve sweated your pussies out dancing. You’re like, “This was the night.” You’re standin’ in front of the club, some gross-ass dude comes up. He’s like, “Ooh, look at you sexy bitches. I love every single one of you. I would love to put my dick on every single one of you sexy bitches’ butts.” And you’re like, “What? How dare you talk to us like that? You dirty, nasty man. Don’t you ever say anything like that to us again.” He’s like, “What? You’re just a woman. I could break your neck.” And then that bitch come from the back, Boof! “What the fuck you say?” Lay that n i g g a out. He’s all confused. “I felt dick in that punch. I didn’t see no dicks, but I’ve been hit by a dick before.” Whoo! There’s also just too much to explain to a fucking kid. I’m gonna have to raise my kid post-Me-Too. I gotta… walk ’em down this dumbass path, you know? I gotta be like, “This is what happened, and it was crazy, but then white women went stupid.” You know? I was all– I was Me Too-ed up. I was like, “Get these nasty n i g g a s. Get ’em off the streets. They got their dicks on everybody. Get ’em outta here. I don’t like none of that. Get ’em outta here. Get ’em outta here. Get ’em outta here.” And then white women went crazy. I feel like it just stopped bein’ about, like, what was real. You know, like, there’s a part– there’s a two-level conversation. Yes. All these dudes in power were using their power to manipulate situations and be terrible to women, a hundred percent. But in all those situations, women had a choice. If we never speak to that choice, we are disempowering women. The most empowering thing is to know even in the dire straits, you have a choice. You can always choose, and sometimes choosing to say “Fuck you” – is the most illest choice you can make. – Yo! And if we don’t pass that down to young women, then what the fuck are we saying? It’s weird. So I had to stop– I was like, “I can’t be a part of this shit. This is goofy.” I was done with it when it landed on Aziz Ansari. That’s when I was really like, “Fuck this.” When it got to Aziz, I said, “I can’t do this anymore. Really?” And it’s not ’cause I’m defendin’ Aziz. I wasn’t there. I’m not sayin’ he did or didn’t. That has nothin’ to do with it. There’s not a woman in here who doesn’t think she could beat that n i g g a‘s ass. That’s what I’m sayin’. That was goofy to me. The end of that blog should’ve been, “Then I punched that dumb n i g g a in the face… and left his goddamn apartment.” You ain’t even got to punch Aziz. Just buck at that n i g g a. “Ugh, get the fuck out of here. Goofy!” We gotta teach girls to fight. I’m not taking a L off a 5′5″ Indian n i g g a. 5′5″ Indian n i g g a s, swing at them! I’m not saying Indian n i g g a s are soft, but I ain’t never heard this statement. “That Indian n i g g a beat my ass.” I ain’t never heard that. So, I’ma take my goddamn chances. I feel the same way about feminism. It’s like, ugh! I wanna say I’m a feminist, but white women… Yeah! Whoo! Y’all make it so hard to get along with shit! ‘Cause white women act like they’re– like it’s a brand of feminism, and it’s theirs and that’s the most dominant. They act like they’re about all women, but you’re not. You’re only about white women. And that’s fine. You can’t be about all women, you haven’t taken the time to figure out all women need. You just know your white women needs and assume if we fix your shit, it’ll trickle down. It’s like, no, bitch! And I’m not mad at white women being agenda-driven. Be about your shit. Be about your shit. But don’t mask it as a cause. Just be real. Be like a Jehovah’s Witness. Come knockin’ on my door on a Sunday, like, “Are you ready for white women’s return?” “Well, I got somethin’ you should read.” Whoo! Plus, if you want me to get behind feminism, start with somethin’ that’s gonna galvanize women. Start with somethin’ that’s really gonna change some shit. Start with teachin’ women how to pee standin’ up. – How come we not doin’ that shit yet? – Whoo! It’s 2020! How come we still peein’ hobbled over like dogs and toddlers and shit? Fuckin’ grown women! We should be peeing upright like men. Know what? We can do it. And you know how I know? I fuckin’ did it. I got tired of this shit one day. I stood over the toilet, I spread my pussy lips, I perked my hole up, and that bitch went straight. And I was like, “Holy shit!” “I could’ve been doin’ this the whole fuckin’ time?” – Whoo! – “How did I not know this shit?” I’ll tell you why I didn’t know. ‘Cause of how women are taught to pee. How we’re taught to pee is fucked up. It’s trash. Especially in public. You know how we’re taught to pee? “Pull the pussy out! Put it away! Get out the bathroom, the rapist is coming. Move, move, move! You ain’t got time to hang out in here, bitch. Go!” Meanwhile, as soon as dudes see their dicks, they’re stretchin’ ’em, wrappin’ ’em around they leg, puttin’ them in they butt, seein’ how far they snap back, figurin’ shit out. There’s a grown woman in here. Grown as fuck, 35-plus, and every time she pee in public, a little pee go down her leg, and into her shoe. Grown! She just laughed back there. Grown! Piss in her shoe. Every time. Confused. “Why does this keep happenin’?” I’ll tell you why, goofy. ‘Cause you walk around all day, shit is movin’ around down there. You’re too scared to touch anything, you whip it out and piss, and now you got piss in your right shoe, you clown! Meanwhile, dudes have been standin’ upright for centuries, spellin’ their names in the snow! And you’re walkin’ around with piss in your shoe, and you want equal fuckin’ pay. Shut up! Even when you go into the men’s bathroom, it’s different, bro. They free in there. I go in there sometimes. I get away with it. They free in that motherfucker. They don’t care. They got little games in the urinal, they be peein’ on ice and shit, movin’ it around. Fuckin’ around. Dicks out, talkin’ wage gap, changin’ the world. Even the stall where they shit, sometimes, it don’t have a door. There’s no door on the stall. Why? Because they free. They’re like, “Shit happens back here, and if you don’t wanna see shit, don’t be in this goddamn corner. I don’t need a door. Just don’t come back here if you don’t wanna look at nobody shittin’, you fool.” Meanwhile, in women’s bathrooms, we’re hobbled in closets, you know what I mean? Can’t even move around. I got tired of this shit one day. I cracked the door. I said, “I’m not takin’ this shit anymore. It’s too tight in here. I’m peeing with the door cracked. I can’t take it.” And then this woman walked in, she swung the door open. ‘Cause of course, she assumed the stall was free. That was natural. What was unnatural is she saw me, she screamed, as if we both don’t have pussies and we both don’t know what goes on in the bathroom, and she tried to jam the door closed. But I held that bitch open. I said, “Mm-mm, baby girl. Don’t do that. Make eye contact with me. This is the revolution right here.” My girl talked about kids a lot… while we was traveling. That was pissing me off. ‘Cause we was just travelin’, being free lesbians. We was just bumpin’ pussies. You know? Just bumpin’ pussies, not worried about none of the rules. She kept bringin’ this fucking corny heteronormative shit into my life. “Don’t you want kids? Kids? Wouldn’t this be so much better if we were experiencing this with kids?” “bitch, no! No, it wouldn’t be better. I don’t want fucking kids. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t know, maybe I’ll do it, but not…” Mm! Mm, I got a lot of nephews. I’m all right. You know? I don’t fucking… Plus, when I do have a kid, I’ma buy a Asian baby. I already have a plan. I’m buyin’ a dope-ass Asian baby. I already know what I’m doin’. Give this motherfucker a Mohawk. Take him dippin’ and trippin’, you know? ‘Cause, like, kids cost money when you a fuckin’ gay person. When somethin’ costs money, you know what costs the most, and I need to stunt. I need to pull up with my Asian baby, hop out in that foreign– “What up, n i g g a? Look at this.” Take him to the park, shit on my frenemies, you know what I mean? I can’t wait. I can’t wait to wheel this little n i g g a round the park. “Oh, hey, Karen, you adopted, too? Where’s your baby from? Honduras? Broke bitch! Get that broke-bitch baby outta here, Karen. This motherfucker right here? He’s from Thailand. Matter of fact, he might be a she. Take three months to figure that out, bitch.” A fucking kid… Maybe I’ll do it. I don’t know. I probably will, ’cause she wants one, and who cares, right? Eventually, “Just fuckin’ fine. Have one. Whatever.” Plus, I don’t know, you need ’em. They represent you when… You know. You make ’em so they can be like, “That n i g g a was here.” You know? You die, you hope your kid’s still alive to be like, “They were a person.” You know, just represent you. I will do– I don’t know. I just think I’ma be bad at the shit, you know? Nobody’s good. Every parent sucks. If you’re out here and you’re parenting, you’re trash. No one does it right. Everyone fucks their kids up. Everyone makes a fucked-up, fucked-up kid. Everyone’s doin’ a little bit to fuckin’ damage the child. ‘Cause you were damaged, so how could you not, how could you not pass on the damage that was given to you? It’s just impossible. But you just keep enough of it. Like, “I could really fuck you up, but I’m only fucking you up a little, ’cause… there’s a lot that could go wrong, ’cause I’m really fucked up.” And you cough what you can, but everybody’s doin’ a shitty job. Everybody. The only way you know you’re doing an all right job is if your kids never tell you you were shitty, ’cause then they loved you, and you raised compassionate kids. If your kids are never like, “Hey, you fucked me up,” but just like, “You did a great job,” then you just raised good kids, ’cause they don’t wanna tell you the truth and hurt your feelings. If you got a kid who’s 40, still like, “I fuckin’ hate you!” you did a terrible job. That, and if you lose one of them n i g g a s, then– then you really failed. I think about that all the time. I don’t wanna be one of the ones that lose one of them n i g g a s, ’cause people be losin’ their kids… You lose one at a store, bitch, you suck. Shit! But I know I’ll be bad. I’ma be bad, ’cause no one– no one does this shit right. Everyone fucks it up a tad. No one trusts their parents. No one in here fully, a hundred percent trusted their parents, ’cause you seen your parents do fucked-up shit. You’ve heard ’em have fucked-up arguments, you know? You’ve seen their lives be in shambles when they thought they were keeping you from their lives being in shambles. They were trying to have those late-night conversations, which is, for a kid, like 10:30 at night. That’s when parents think it’s time to talk for real. ‘Cause they’re dumb. It’s like, no one’s asleep at 10:30, you idiot. You’re not asleep at 10:30. Everyone’s wide awake. They’re like, “Now’s the time to talk about it. Get down to the bottom of shit.” Everyone’s heard their parents yellin’ about some bullshit, like a $99 cable bill. “How are we gonna pay this?” “Your mother sucks!” “What is my house? I can’t trust anyone in this motherfucker.” ‘Cause parents like to present it like they got everything together. That’s the problem. Don’t lie. Stop coming like you got everything– You’re not good. Most of you start, 30 when you start. I’m 38. If I had a kid at 30, that n i g g a would be dead. You don’t know what you’re doin’. Be honest. “Hey, I don’t know what I’m doin’, but I’ma try to keep you alive. Sometimes, I’m not gonna be able to, so look out for yourself, little n i g g a. And let’s– let’s rock out.” “Let’s see if we make it.” Whoo! But, no, parents, “I got everything under control.” Fuck you. No, you don’t. I remember I heard my mom and my dad tryin’ to have a fight about my dad usin’ crack. And my dad… My dad… My mom was tryin’ to whisper, you know? She was tryin’ to have a whisper-fight with the n i g g a, but you can’t whisper to a crackhead. They’re loud as fuck. So, my mom’s whisperin’, and then my dad goes, “Who seen me do the crack?” Which means, n i g g a here did it. Now you’re just tryin’ to identify witnesses. Are they credible? Are they not credible? But you fucking did it! Now I’ma tell my mom about a problem? bitch, there’s whole crack in the house. We got bigger issues! Stranger Things is a whole show about kids not trusting their parents. Like, if a Demogorgon’s after you, tell your mom! These little n i g g a s is like, “All I got is these walkie-talkies and these bikes. They’re my best friends. ‘Cause that bitch can’t handle shit.” I remember when I was 11, I thought I was gonna be abducted by aliens. I did. I was convinced, you know? I was like, “Aliens are comin’ to get my ass.” And it’s because, when I was 11, I grew up in the ’90s. If you grew up in the ’90s, you know aliens was a big thing. It was huge. It was big shit. It was. There was Outer Limits, there was X-Files, there was Unsolved Mysteries, and then every once in a while, the History Channel would just be like, “Did they build the pyramids?” And just fuck your head up on a Wednesday night. Just throw a whole curveball at your ass. “What? They could’ve built the pyramids?” “Crop circles. Were they here?” “Oh, my God!” So I was fuckin’ stressed out. And I got in the shower one day, and I felt my leg pulsate a little bit. I was like, “That’s the tracker. That’s where them n i g g a s is gon’– That’s how they’re gonna get your girl.” So I started doin’ karate in my room at night. “Yah! Aah! “Waah!” Watchin’ Last Dragon and shit. “Eeh! Eeh! Ugh!” Started sleepin’ with a knife and a hammer under my pillow. Every night, sleeping with a knife and hammer under my pillow, ready for the action, you know? I was like, “When they come, stab ’em, bash ’em, stab ’em, bash ’em.” Then, one day, I go in my room. My mom’s sittin’ on my bed. She’s like, “We need to talk.” I’m like, “What’s up?” And she’s like, “Who’s hurtin’ you?” I was like, “What?” She’s like, “Tell me right now. Who’s coming in here at night and doin’ something to you?” I was like, “What are you talkin’ about?” She’s like, “Look at me. I don’t care if it’s your father, I don’t care if it’s one of your brothers. You need to tell me right now, who’s doing something to you?” Which, what a mom, bro. Word! ‘Cause my mother showed me, “I got your back, no matter fuckin’ what.” Like, what a big move. ‘Cause what if it was one of my brothers or my father? That’s a crazy thing to have to hear as a mother, but she was ready to take that shit for me. She was like, “Tell me.” And I looked my mom in the eye, and I told her how I was gonna be abducted by aliens. Because I’m a genius. And you could see in her eyes that a part of her wished I was bein’ molested. ‘Cause that would’ve been easier to process. And if you don’t think that fucked me up a little bit… Hey, y’all were dope as fuck. Have a good night. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-howard-live-dingledodies-2009-full-transcript/ | Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies (2009) – Full Transcript | russell howard | [# Kasabian: Club Foot] [Cheering] Ladies and gentlemen… please welcome to the stage… Russell Howard! [Cheering] Hello! Well! Well, well, well! That was a fairly nice welcome. Thank you very much! I love it here. I love Brighton, it’s fantastic. What l love is how people go, ”Fuckin’ watch out! It’s full of poofs.” ”And?” ”They’ll get you!” – ”They’ll get me?” – [Laughter] ”They’re gays, not ninjas. – ”They’re not gonna…” – [Laughter] ”..leap out of the window, bum me and escape on a death slide, l’ll be all right.” – It’s not like that! – [Laughter] You don’t drive into Brighton and have gay men banging their wangs against your car. Stop it, you beasts! [Honks] Stop it! # I am what I am! Cock-waggling bastards! [Laughter] There’s just a few of them and they’re very nice. I like it here. You had a good day? How’s Brighton? ls it fun? What’s the best thing about Brighton? – [Man] Leaving! – Leaving? [Laughter] Well, it’s gonna be a lovely gig when the crowd are funnier than I am! ”I’ll deal with this everybody. Leavin’. Have that. ”I’m Terry. I don’t fuck around with my heckles. I just get the job done!” [Laughter] – What do you do, mate? – I’m a sales manager. Oh, you’re up there? What do you sell? How aggressive. ”Whatever they fuckin’ want. That’s what I sell. ”Oi! Old lady!” ”Yes?” ”You’re gonna buy an iPhone, all right?” ”Yes.” ”You’re gonna buy five of them.” ”OK.” She’s quite a crippled old lady. You son of a bitch! – What do you sell? – Mercedes. Mercedes? – Do you fuck! Look at you! – [Laughter] ”Mercedes!” That’s just the name of one of your prostitutes. ”Mercedes, Debonair…” The Brighton pimp. ”She’s Mercedes. ”She’ll wank you off and give you a Ferrero Rocher and pop it up your arse.” – [Laughter] – Bit much that, bit much. You all looked so… ”Ah! No, I don’t think so. ”We don’t put Ferrero Rochers up people…” Has anyone ever had that? As if you’d admit to it on a DVD. ”I’m doing it now! Oh!” I’ve often thought, sexually, it’d be quite nice, you know when water’s in your ear… I’ll start the gig in a minute by the way. You know when water leaves your ear? It’s one of those rare moments in life you don’t give a shit you’re like… Ah! Oh! Imagine having sex whilst water was leaving your ear. How good would that feel? Ah! Ah! You’d have to tell your partner. That would really freak him out if you start… Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Here come the latecomers. – Just one man on his own. – [Booing] And look at the way you’re holding your hands like that, just… You’ve got T-shirts on that say ”I love Russell”, girls. That’s… Yep, OK, it’s quite nice. [Laughter] A little bit weird at the same time. And, lucky, you’re sat next to the nutters! There you go! ”We’ve done drawings of him and we’ve made little Russells out of pineapple.” Why were you late? Please don’t make it anything bad. What happened? – Why were you late? – I’m just late. – ”Nothing, I’m just late. Deal with it.” – [Laughter] ”You’re not my real dad. Grow up. ”I had to mow my plentiful lawn. Fuck you, Howard, and all you stand for.” Just edging, before… Rrrrr! ”I’ll be there when I’m there, OK?” What do you do? I like you. I like your confidence. ”l was just late, Russ.” What were you doing? What made you late? – Drinking. – Lovely stuff! Excellent! ”Bollocks! I’ve gotta go see that dick, haven’t l?” ”Yeah, yeah, l’ll go, I’ll go.” ”Just one more.” ”All right, one more. What’s the worst that can happen? ”Oh! I’m on a DVD. ”Shit.” [Applause] Don’t matter. Pleasure to have you here, man. I’ve forgotten what I was talking about. That’s a bit awkward. Look at you! Lovely! You did that! What do you do, mate, when not bellowing like a town crier? ”Hear, hear! Over there you’ll find Mercedes, good girl, good girl.” [Laughter] – What do you do, mate? – Bus driver. Are you really? Hence why you did that. ”Everybody off!” Everyone off quite camply, apparently. [Breathily] ”Thanks, bus driver.” What’s your favourite stop? You don’t have one, you treat every one with respect. That’s fine. Have you ever… [Quietly] Hey, let’s be honest. Have you ever just braked a little bit hard when you’ve seen an old lady in the middle? ”That was a fairly rubbish day. I’m approaching a roundabout.” So lovely, innit? Just the entire bus full of stamps and Werther’s Originals. Just Horlicks in your face. Bfff! Has to be an old lady, weirdly, doesn’t it? Look at you! ”Yes, it does, actually. Yeah, that’s er… ”That’s bus driving standard. If an old woman sits there, it is on.” Yes, lovely. Well, this is gonna be clearly quite a good gig. Well done, you, for being interesting. Anything else before l start the show? – [Woman] Whoo! – Just one… Oh! That was lovely! One whoo and one woman, ”No!” [Laughter] ”I’ve come here for material. l haven’t come here to listen about bus natter, OK?” I like bus… I like trains. I like watching ladies on trains, which sounds pervier than l wanted it… I don’t cover myseIf in coats and wait for them. Ladies! Not like that. I like watchin’ ’em fall asleep. ls there a lovelier thing in the world? [Groans] Especially when they get the wobbly head. And when you get snippets of dream, is there a lovelier thing than that? [Yells] ”Helicopter!” ”Willy Wonka, never again! Who?” ”Poundland!”
I was watching this the other day, it was so lovely, I was on this train… I don’t know why… ”Train!” There were four women and they looked after one who was getting the wobbly head. ”Cover her up, she’s dribbling a bit. ”Come on, sisters, let’s get together and look after her. Our fallen princess.” I’m sat there going, ”You do not get that treatment if you’re a man, do you?” ”I’m definitely going, lads. Look after me if I pass out.” ”Yeah. On your way, dickhead, on your way. ”Right, he’s out cold. Gentlemen, let’s go to work. ”Shave his eyebrows, put his hand down his trousers, ”give me his phone, text his mum, ‘I am gay’, send… ”I do believe this is our stop. Everybody off quietly. ”Wait for the train to pull out, knock on the window. Yah!” That’s what happens if you’re a man and I speak as a man who’s arrived at Paddington Station with the word ”paedo” on his face. [Laughter] I did. Spelt with two Es. That’s what really annoyed me! ”You spelt it wrong!” ”You’d know!” ”That doesn’t mean anything!” ”I can spell the word ‘goose’, I’m not out laying an egg!” Walking around London like a Chuckle Brother, that’s not good! That’s one of the world’s mysteries. How did the Chuckle Brothers become children’s entertainers? You wouldn’t let ’em near your children, would you? Especially that gimpy one… ”Hello!” Looks like he spends his entire life sniffing trampolines. [Laughter, groaning] ”To me, to you!” ”Get the fuck out of my garden!” [Laughter] Don’t you hate it when that happens? Walking around with ”paedo” on your face. I would get bullied all the time. I used to get bullied when I was little. Really badly, cos l had a lazy eye and I’ve had an operation but it’s still bad if I look at the camera. I used to get picked on… ”Look at him. ”He’s obsessed with his nose!” [Laughter] ”Who said that? Which one of you said that?” And I went to my dad for advice. I used to cry a lot, – I looked like a Picasso in the rain, and… – [Laughter] ”Dad, l need advice.” ”Over here, son.” ”Well, stop moving then.” He did that thing, has anyone ever been offered advice from your dad… It’s never like, ”Brick in their face, this’ll deal with it.” It’s always like, ”Well, son, if you say this to the bullies they’ll bully you no more. Hmm! Hmm!” Never works. I cringe every time I think about this. Me, aged ten, stood in front of these bullies going, ”Bullies, how can my eye be lazy… ”when it wanders around so freely?” [Laughter] ”I think you’ll find I’ve got an imaginative eye. Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! ”As you were. You’ve been dealt with linguistically. Boo yeah!” They kicked the shit out of me that day. ”Get him! Imaginative eye!” I really wish I could travel back in time. ”Don’t worry, little man. In the future this is going to be mildly amusing.” ”Who are you!?” ”I’m you from the future!” ”Well, make ’em stop then!” ”Sorry, I need new material for my DVD.” ”If one of you could dress up as a clown and rape him, ”that would really finish this bit.” [Laughter] I’m not a time travelling rapist, l’ll be honest. Although, I… Not although! [Laughter] But I was on about time travel the other day, this lady in Manchester… I’ll ask you the same question. Where would you travel if you could travel back in time? Where would you go? – Fair enough. – [Laughter] No? No answers? [Overlapping calls] – Did somebody say Jupiter? – [Laughter] You can still go to Jupiter. It’s not time-specific, it’s distance-specific. Who the fuck is your science teacher? No, this lady in Manchester, it was brilliant. I said, ”If you could travel back anywhere, where would you travel?” and this woman went, ”Jesus’ time”. Now, there was a lady who doesn’t fuck around with numbers. But it made me think, when we think about Jesus, I bet you Jesus, if you met him, he was a right player. Can you imagine? In a crowd of this size. ”Oh no! Shit! We got no food, have we? ”Just got this fish and bread! ”What we gonna do? What’s Jesus gonna do? ”He’s gonna do this.” Whoomph! Fish and bread everywhere. He’s like that, ”Fuckin’ line up the prostitutes. ”Bam! Bam! Bam! ”Keep that out the book, it’s Jesus time.” – [Laughter, applause] – I’ll bet he was a right hound. Applauding the mere idea of Jesus doing that. Bsh! Bsh! I bet he was! Constantly! ”D’you see that? Bit o’ magic. There you go. D’you know who my dad is?” I doubt he did that, let’s be honest. Nobody’s ever done that! ”D’you know who my dad is?” Nobody’s ever said that. Unless it’s a particularly X-rated version of Oliver Twist. ”I just don’t know who he is. ”Water in my ear!” [Groans] That bloke’s off. Oh no! I feel really bad now… [Woman] It’s just two pints! – It’s just two what, love? – Two pints. It’s two pints? l’ll be honest, I don’t understand the heckle. It’s lovely. Are you implying that two pints of lager is on or they’ve had two pints and they now need a wee? They need two pints? Right. What’s goin’ on now? I’ll be honest, I don’t know. Feels like I’m being mocked by a pub landlady, it’s a lovely feeling. ”Two pints.” ”I don’t know what you’re on about.” ”Have a go on them, seriously, have a go on them. Do you want a beer or not?” ”I’d quite like a beer.” ”Touch ’em. Touch ’em.” ”Get out me pub.” [Gasps] I met Jonathan Ross recently. I was in a toilet backstage, he bursts in and goes, ”You’re thingamajig, aren’t you?” And I panicked and went, ”I can be whoever you want me to be.” Oh! I said that out loud. [Applause] We’re the same. I drift into situations, I’m an awkward fucker. I went to the Darwin exhibition recently at the National History Museum. – Has anyone been? – Yeah! There was some whooping over there! How lovely. What was your favourite bit about it? [Girl] Er… All of it. OK, fine. Fair enough. ”Brain?” ”Er… All of it.” I liked his handwriting, Charles Darwin’s handwriting, it’s properly squiggly-wiggly. Obviously that wasn’t how they said it. [Posh accent] ”You’ll find the handwriting is particularly squiggly-wiggly. ”And, oh, look! A butty-wutty-fly!” [Laughter] But I was obsessed by his handwriting and I was gonna take a pho… [Laughter] What sort of fuckin’ run is that? [WoIf-whistle] – Like a fuckin’ hobgoblin! What was that? – [Laughter] What happened to you in the toilets? ”Two pints!” What? That’s without doubt the best run I’ve ever seen back into a gig. ”Oh dear. ”Well, I’ve started running like this. ”If I get as low as possible I am invisible.” Aw! You were the kid at school who used to hide behind the lamppost. ”Good luck findin’ me.” [Laughter] You weren’t allowed a real instrument at school, were you? # Kumbaya, my lord! # Bangin’ your head. It’s fine, everyone’s welcome. Are you all right now? Are you settled? Thumbs up. What happened? Was there a… Don’t say ”two pints” again. Please don’t say this. I haven’t even started the fucking gig yet! – Go on. – [Man] You met Jonathan Ross! I met Jonathan Ross? I know I met Jonathan Ross! Look at people trying to help me! How lovely is that? ”Russell! You met Jonathan Ross! ”Christ! He’s off-piste! He’s off-piste!” [Laughter] ”Somebody make him some soup!” How lovely are you? Normally, ”Fuck off!” ”Russell! You were edging your way back towards the Darwin museum! ”Stay on target! For the love of the maker, stay on target!” I was in the Darwin museum and l had an incident with a nine-year-old girl. – That’s what I wanted to tell you, because… – [Laughter] Wait! I was taking this photo because his handwriting obsessed me, because with Charles Darwin you assume a neatness of the mind, don’t you? But his handwriting was all over the shop. l thought, ”Havin’ a go on that.” It said ”No photos”, l thought, I don’t give a shit, I’m gonna take one, show it to my mates. They’ll love that. ””Ere you are. Look at his handwriting. Innit all over the shop?” – ”Er, yeah. Er…” – [Laughter] ”Be honest, Russ, we’d rather look at lesbian porn but this is absolutely fine.” They’re obsessed with it, my mates, just makes me laugh. Honestly, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen two ladies on the end of a double dildo but for me it’s one of the funniest things imaginable, isn’t it? It looks like they’re on a see-saw, it’s as simple as that. ”This is lovely, this!” You can’t help but imagine a third sexual partner just out of camera shot on one of those weird rides you used to get… [Laughter] But then I have an odd sense of humour. I’ll give you an example. I found myself laughing, full-on laughing, at my genitals in the bath, right? I was… Has any man ever done that? I was there glaring at my knackers… Glaring’s the wrong word, it wasn’t a showdown! – But… – [Laughter] l was looking at them, giggling like an idiot, cos it struck me for the first time that my balls looked a little bit like bearded survivors from some form of shipwreck. I’m not proud of this. It made me laugh, which made my nuts jump up and down and then l started giving them voices, I don’t know why. ”We’ve drifted for so long!” ”I miss my wife!” Giggling like an idiot, and then I had this feeling of fear come over me which was, ”Have I locked the door?” Can you imagine that? If your mum caught you engaged in some form of scrotal pantomime? ”How long have you been there?” ”Long enough, Russ. ”Long enough to see my oldest son sing Celine Dion at his penis.” I’m awkward, l always will be. So l was at the Darwin exhibition, taking a photo. From nowhere, this girl comes up to me. She’s nine. ”What are you doing?” l forgot how to talk. Has anyone ever had that? l should have gone, ”Just back off. I’m taking a photo. ”Deal with it. I’m 29 years old.” But l didn’t, I went… [Groans] Have you ever got like that? Sometimes you get it in a lift. Someone says, ”What floor?” and you’re like… [Groans] ”Shit! I’ve forgotten how to talk.” So you overcompensate. ”Five!” Now they think you’re fuckin’ backward. ”Five!” And the temptation is always to act up in a lift, innit? [Groans] ”You smell like my fourth victim! ”Number six, please!” Took a photo, showed it to her. ”Delete it.” ”I don’t wanna delete it.” ”I’m telling the man.” ”Don’t tell the man.” So, in the middle of the Darwin exhibition, I had to scamper back, show her, show her that I’d deleted it, in the Darwin exhibition, I went, ”I’ve deleted it.” She walks off. Now what l should have done was punched her in the face, taken a photo of it and gone, ”Survival of the fittest.” But… [Laughter] My brain gave me that information three days later. ”Russell, it’s your brain here. Just like to point out how you can out-weird that child.” ”I’m in Tesco now!” I was offered a bag for life in Tesco the other day. – I can’t commit to that. – [Laughter] I don’t know what bags are gonna be like in the future. I’ll feel like a dick if I’ve got a plastic one in 2024. ”My bag packs itself and speaks Spanish.” ”Piece of shit! What can you do?” ”l can suffocate a child.” ”That’s all you’re good for.” [Laughter] I’m always doing it. Sometimes you do things, you got no idea why you’re doing it. For example, you get a cold can of Diet Coke. It’s not enough for you to go, ”That’s freezing”. You have to find somebody you love and put it on their head. You can’t not do it, can you? [Grunts] You don’t do that with any other food. ”This soup’s boiling. In your eyes!” For some reason you become a fizzy torturer. ”All right, Mum? Fanta to the knees!” ”Argh!” ”Dad! Holidays are comin’! Holidays are comin’! Holidays are comin’!” We’re all connected weirdly by odd things we do. We all laugh at stuff we shouldn’t do sometimes. Like I was at the zoo… You know those things where you think, ”Shouldn’t be laughing, too late. Ha-ha!” A friend of mine works in the psychiatric ward. Patient the other day, walking along, threw some drinks at the wall. My friend said, ”Why did you do that?” This bloke went, ”God told me to do it.” Apparently a bloke sat in his pyjamas went, ”l said no such thing!” [Laughter] You can’t help it. You’re only a human, you have to let the giggles out. I had a lovely one at the zoo recently in Sydney, where it was great. And, er… I really like zoos, erm… ”Really?” ”Yeah.” People get… ”Oh my God! How could you go to the zoo, Russ? ”They keep those animals caged up! ”Why don’t you just fucking put a cigarette out on a polar bear?” ”Thickhead, it’s a monkey!” We all want to be happy and we’re all gonna die, now back off, you know? I’ve got no time for any of that. These people, they normally kinda wear flip-flops even though it’s raining. ”Ugh! Deal with it! I’ve got a Che Guevara T-shirt on and I’ve got some beads. Meh!” And they say things like, they’re always like, ”You know, girls, with all the trouble in the universe ”I’m not sure I could bring a child into this world.” Oh really?! Cos your penis is linked to world misery, is it? [Laughter] ”Jenny, stop kissing my cock, somebody’s been mugged in Peru. ”I’m coming, Rodrigo, I’m coming!” Fuck off! These idiots. ”I don’t own a TV.” Doesn’t make you better than me, it just makes you a weirdo. [Laughter] You’re missing out on The Inbetweeners and the Compare the Meerkat advert – and both of those things… – [Applause, cheering] ..make you mental. Feel the excitement! Isn’t it amazing? We’re gonna look back at the recession and go, ”Do you know what got us through? ”A meerkat dressed up in a stately home… ”looking at us, tilting his head and going ‘Simples!”’ [Kisses] That was it! That was enough, you know? So I was at the zoo and this brilliant bloke, Australians are fuckin’ hilarious, this bloke was like, ”Couple of years ago…” And they don’t know they’re being funny. [Australian accent] ”Couple of years ago some bloke got into the lion enclosure ”and tried to read the Bible to the lions.” [Laughter] – ”They fuckin’ killed him.” – [Laughter] ”It’s a bloody long book.” Implying that that was the reason why they did it! ”Well this is dragging.” ”It’s too preachy. It’s too preachy.” ”I prefer Catcher In The Rye. Shall we munch his nuts?” You have to laugh. My favourite ever of ”belly laugh from nowhere” moments. A girl in our school called Lydia was trying to make her calculator work. She was repeatedly knocking it, not that seductively, but she was trying to make her calculator work by knocking it against the desk. Mr McDonald, our teacher, went, ”Lydia! How would you like it ”if l banged you against the desk?!” Oh! The greatest day of school! We laughed for three years. ”Stop laughing, children!” ”We can’t stop laughing.” Things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it! l was on the train the other day. We went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove, and my friend went… – [Laughter] – Exactly. l was laughing already. Then my friend topped it by going, ”I bet you money that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.” [Laughter] [Applause] What a thing to say! But when you think about it, she probably does! She’s got a sense of humour. I bet if she’s bored at a function, her and Philip have this lovely code. ”Philip? Philip! ”Hey, Big P, Big P.” [Sniggers] ”Mother’s talking. Big P, Big P. ”Check it, check it, man. Check it. ”Would you like to visit Didcot Ladygrove?” ”For real, baby, for real. ”And when we’re done with that we’ll visit Walton-on-the-Marsh.” ”Son of a bitch!” I bet they’ve got a lovely lifestyle. She must have a sense of humour, she’s married to him. How easy’s his job? Bangin’ her and being racist. I could do that. ”There you go, Liz. Chinky-winky-woo!” The royal family are amazing, aren’t they? Prince Harry. It’s really extraordinary cos a lot of us love him. I quite like the bloke. He has that kind of… The Sun newspaper can’t make their mind up about Harry. One minute he’s a ”war hero”, next minute, ”racist!” Make your mind up. ”We don’t mind him killin’ foreigners but don’t call ’em names.” [Laughter] We like him because Prince Harry has the Boris Johnson X factor, doesn’t he? It doesn’t matter what you think about Johnson politically, you’d love to go on the piss with him. You’d end up in a nature reserve with Johnson going, ”Fucking come on, let’s paint an elephant with Tipp-Ex.” [Laughter] You’d be behind him with a hole punch. ”Coming, Boris!” ”Ha! Ha! Ha! Ring a ring a roses!” It’s the same with Harry, we love him. He’s done so many things that we’re meant to be appalled by, he might as well have a weekly show called These Are The Things I’ve Done, and we’d watch it just to see him go, ”Yeah, man. ”I made a pube beard and I Sellotaped it to a swan. Big wow, OK? ”Big fucking wow, Britain! Huh? ”Next week I’m gonna light my farts and teabag a gibbon. Come on over! – ”Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s Harry time!” – [Laughter] We’d watch it! He’s brilliant! He’s ferociously stupid. That’s why we like him. It’s the same as Susan Boyle. That was the whole beauty, the fact that she was mad. She may as well just have wandered on, rubbed shit in her face and gone, ”Ha!” and we’d have still voted for her. ”I’m dangerously ill!” ”Sing it, bitch!” [Laughter] We like Harry because he’s thick. Proper stupid, it’s brilliant. Think about it, most of us went to comprehensives, he had a hundred grand spent on his education. lmagine that. Hundred grand, he went to Eton, the finest education money can buy. He got two A levels, one is an E in geography, one is a B in Art. Can you imagine that? If your dad has spent a hundred grand on your education? ”l done a drawing and l sort of know what a hill is.” Slap, slap, slap for you! The media really ramp things up that we don’t give a shit about, like the Daily Express headline the other day, ”Swearing is the blight of Britain.” Well, it’s not, is it? And if it is, we’re really not doing that badly. l doubt there’s anyone in Gaza dodging white phosphorous, going, ”This is horrific, this is so bad.” ”It could be worse, apparently a lady in Rochester heard a man say cunt in Asda.” [Laughter] There’s things to care about. Luckily we’re evolved and we don’t really give a shit about many things. Swine flu, nobody cared. It’s been upgraded to class 6, we stilI don’t give a shit. When swine flu first… AIthough it’ll be quite funny if, when this DVD is released, everyone’s died of swine flu. – Just one bloke, ”Very funny, dickhead.” – [Laughter] ”Very funny indeed! ”I speak to you from the future. ”[Oinks] I speak to you from…” [Laughter] We weren’t worried. When swine flu first came out we imagined just walking into a doctor’s surgery holding a pig wearing a sombrero. D’you reckon any kids have tried to bunk off school by going, ”Mum, I’ve definitely got swine flu.” ”Well, you haven’t, have you, Tom? You’ve got bacon on your face.” [Laughter] I read this horrible story… there’s too much fear in the world. I read this story the other day that some parents have started buying their kids stab vests to go to school with. As if your first day isn’t terrifying enough! ”Let’s just pop your stab vest on.” ”Where am I going?!” ”To a place of learning. There you go. I like you, they probably won’t. ”There you go. You’re a lion! ”They’re gonna stab you and I’m fine with that cos Loose Women’s on. There you go.” How fear-mongering’s that? ”Before you go to school, here’s a cyanide pill in case you get cornered ”and a bomb-proof pencil case, ”best pop a mouse trap up your arse in case your teacher’s a wrong ‘un. ”On your way.” [Laughter, applause] Too much, isn’t it? Too much! Let ’em just fucking go to school. All we had was wedgies! Too much. Like North Korea. Christ alive! Terrifying. You got this pensioner testing nuclear weapons underground. How paranoid is that? Calm down, North Korea. ”We need to defend ourselves.” ”Nobody wants to get you. You’re gonna be fine.” That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm. You’re gonna be absolutely fine. Jesus Christ! And talking of our MPs, we just don’t like them, do we? Like the MPs expenses. What was your opinion of that? – [Man] Cunts! – ”Cunts” said the man at the back. – I think that’s pretty much the opinion. – [Applause] That should have been the front cover of the Sun, ”Cunts”. Just you leaning out your van like that. That’s how we felt. One MP claimed 23p for a lemon. Fuck! How cheap do you have to be? l’ll give you the lemon myseIf, you pikey shit! 23p for a lemon? People claming for moats, for tennis courts, for lawnmowers, for swimming pools! ”It’s legal, it’s legal.” So’s waking your nan up dressed as Hitler, just don’t do it. ”Meaarghh! ”Make me jelly, bitch!” ”Ja, mein Fuhrer! Ja!” You’re allowed to do a lot of things, just have some moral decorum! And then on top of this you get idiots going, ”Makes you wanna vote BNP, dunnit?” Not really! Not in any way! Where’s the link there? [Northern accent] ”Cos that bloke’s had his moat cleaned and I’ve paid for it. ”He’s left me with no option but to become a racist.” [Laughter] – Has he? How does that work? – [Applause] ”Moat: cleaned out. Me: racist. There’s an obvious link there.” There is no link. That’s like watching somebody mow their lawn and going, ”I’m off to punch Ainsley Harriott in the face.” ”I’ve cut Kris Akabusi up and put him in my bin.” ”What the fuck have you done that for?” ”I seen a bloke eating a cake!” There is no link. They’d still claim, luckily they’ll never get in power, but they would still claim, wouldn’t they? It wouldn’t be $500 for horse manure, it’d be 20 grand to have the white cliffs of Dover engraved with the words ”fuck off”. [Laughter] You know what l mean? it’s just kind of… We don’t like our MPs, it comes down to that. We want change. It’s because Barack Obama‘s so… just brilliant. You’re looking at him across a river going… [Tuts] ”Aw! Can we…” [Laughter] It’s like looking at your dad who’s a bit fat and going… [Sighs] – ”l’d like that dad, actually.” – [Laughter] He’s brilliant, isn’t he? l tell you what, you know when someone’s beloved of the world when they get away with a disabled joke on telly. That is true power. And nobody gave a shit. Did you see it on Jay Leno? There was a laugh over there, you obviously saw it. Jay Leno went, ”You’re pretty good at bowling.” Barack Obama: ”Yeah, in a sort of Special Olympics way.” Everyone went, ”Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. He’s lovely.” Fuck! lmagine if Gordon Brown had said that, or David Cameron! We’d have thrown disabled people at him! ”Fuckin’ arsehole! Pass me Stephen Hawking.” [Mimics Hawking] ”Aim for his eyes.” – It’s what we’d have done. – [Applause] I don’t know whether you’re applauding because you like the sentiment or the mere idea of slinging Stephen Hawking at people. Just loading him in a catapuIt, aim him for Spain. ”You fuckers.” Whoomph! [Laughter, applause] And now you’re really applauding. Sounds like a BBC3 show, doesn’t it? ”Hi, I’m Vernon Kay, welcome to Stephen Hawking Slingshot.” [Laughter] ”You have to decide in which nation he will land. ”Are you ready, Stephen?” ”Yeah, I’m fine.” [Laughter] ”Well, let’s oil up the slingshot and…” [Sniggers] ”Let’s get ready to rumble!” Whumph! ”I’m here in Sweden.” So, erm… Where was I? Well, I was talking about something… Yeah, Barack Obama – wonderful man. The reason why we like him, I think, is because he looks clever. It’s nice, isn’t it? He looks like he thinks. We haven’t seen that in a fair while. Cos you used to look at George Bush and go, ”I could probably beat him at Trivial Pursuit” and that is not good enough. He’d eat the pieces, that’s not even good. Barack Obama would annihilate you, wouldn’t he? He’s amazing. Forward-thinking, cultured, intelligent. He’s trying to bring peace to the Middle East. He’s also reversed stem cell research. I don’t know if you know this, but George Bush was anti-stem cell research because he didn’t want to upset God. How funny’s that? The idea that God could get angry. ”They’re trying to make tiny versions of themselves! I’m absolutely furious!” He won’t be. He’ll be there going, ”This is incredible! Clever little fuckers! ”Have you seen this, Gabriel? ”First the George Foreman Grill and now this. It’s unbelievable. – ”Look at that!” – [Applause] ”Every day is wonderful. It’s called an iPod, Gabriel. Hm? Hm? ”Put it on shuffle. Put it on shuffle. ”That’s the stuff G.O.D. likes.” People get obsessed with music, don’t they? You hear people go, ”You know why kids are violent, don’t you? Bloody rap music.” It’s such a ridiculous argument. ”The Wu-Tang Clan, that’s to blame.” We don’t blame chill-out music for lazy fuckers… [Laughter] ”Look, you’ve been on the dole for three years. Curse you, Dido!” Some bloke crawling on the floor. [Groans] ”What’s wrong, mate? Have you got ME?” ”No, Enya!” – [Laughter]
Ridiculous! Then they blame… ”Computer games! That’s why kids are fucked up! ”They see the computer games, they’re so violent, they re-enact them!” You’re like, ”What? No, they don’t!” You know? I don’t walk around dressed as an Italian plumber and try and eat mushrooms. [Laughter] I don’t go near a wall and go… [Hums Tetris music] ”I’m getting a Tetris flashback! Stop me!” But people love to be angry, don’t they? There’s nothing worse than an old lady or an old man who’s given up on life, you know? ”I’ve been alive for 60 years. l really hope I don’t enjoy the next 20.” ”I quite agree. I say we wander around like T-rex’s trying to shit out pianos.” Searching out misery. The world is full of woe and wonder. Don’t look for misery. Like, there’s nothing better than an old lady who thinks, ”I’m nearly dead. Let the good times roll.” We’ve seen them everywhere, those lovely women with twinkly eyes and wrinkly thighs and, ”Fuck it”. ”That’s right, Mr Bus Driver, I’m gonna sit here. Fuckin’ do your worst, dickhead.” Just gettin’ out a tiny knife. ”I’m comin’ for you.” My mum‘s like that, she’s brilliant. The biggest gig of my life, Wembley Arena, right? My friends saw my mum, as people are filing into this gig, pointing at her vagina, going, ”That’s where the magic comes from.” – [Applause] – It’s just beautiful. How lovely and weird’s that? Nobody knew she was my mum! All they’d seen was a very old lady declaring that she had a magic fanny! Like a weird extra from Heroes. I’ve never been prouder. ”All right, Sylar, watch this.” Whumph! ”That’s what you’re dealing with, mate. I just pulled a rabbit out of my chuff. ”Try and steal that power.”
She’s brilliant. I’m lucky to have plopped out from that lady. She’s wonderful, right? l was brought up in a very odd way. Like did your parents ever just pull really extraordinary pranks on you? And you go, ”Well, that is a bit much.” I remember once I was in Lanzarote and we were eight, and l was taking some rubbish to a chute late at night. It had gone quite well, it was a job, and I thought, ”I’m havin’ a skip, I’m skippin’ back.” I’m skippin’ back, it’s going quite well. Around the corner two werewolves appear. [Laughter] And they say, ”Bleargh!” – And l gently pooed myself, right? – [Laughter] Mid-skip. Low moment, right? Now, turns out it’s my mum and dad wearing the woIf masks. ”Ah-ha-ha! Isn’t that hilarious?” ”Not really. I shat myself.” Now, I’ve only recently found out that they did not buy those wolf masks in Lanzarote. They bought them in England! Which is brilliant and mental at the same time! ”Look what I got, David. Couple of wolf masks!” ”Let’s put ’em on immediately and scare him. He’s sleeping, it’ll probably scare him.” ”Can I hold you just there, David, because I do believe we’re going to Lanzarote. ”Let’s get him in a foreign country, properly out of his comfort zone ”and then really shit him up.” Brilliant. That’s got to be better, hasn’t it? Being raised by people who have a sense of fun. I’ve got no time for the ”What’s next?” brigade. You’ve seen those people, you’ve heard them. They listen to the news and invent their own misery to go with it. ”Free TVs for prisoners? What next? Ice cream vans for paedophiles? Hm? Hm?” You’re there going, ”No, that’s not going to happen.” ”Free contraceptives for teenagers? What next? ”Toddlers dressed as gimps? Bah! Bah! Bah!” ”No, that’s not gonna happen.” ”Abortion at 26 weeks? What next? ”Fannies fitted with nooses?” You’re there going, ”No, none of these things will happen. You’re inventing your own misery. For fuck’s sake, try and enjoy life. They just wander round going, ”CCTV. Big Brother. Local post office. ”Rage. Rage. Immigration. Ga-ga-ga! Ga-ga-ga! ”Enough to drive you mad. This country’s gone to the dogs.” Just fucking streams of bullshit. My personal favourite – ”This country’s the worst in the world, it’s enough to drive you mad!” Yeah, I bet there’s some bloke in some war-torn African village as we speak, just weeping on the floor. ”What’s wrong, mate? Why are you crying? ”Is it cos you got no money, no food, no home?” [African accent] ”It is none of those things. ”Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight.” [Applause] ”Is there no God?!” We don’t give a shit about so many stories. Like that story about the 13-year-old boy that got that 15-year-old girl pregnant. Now, we were meant to go, ”Oh my God! Britain’s broken. What a palaver!” But, let’s be honest, my reaction was, ”Hang on, he’s 13 and she’s 15? ”Impressive.” How good is he at Laser Quest? You know? I could not have done that. I couldn’t have made a girl pregnant. I was weirdly proud of him. I was like, ”Go on, you little scumbag, well done. ”I’m surprised you didn’t start a fire by your shell suit rubbing against her.” I couldn’t have done that when I was 13. I struggle with girls now. I was on a train the other day and this girl came up to me and went, ”Excuse me, can you look after my bags whilst l go to the toilet?” And l… All l had to do was go ”yes” but for some reason I went, ”You’re not allowed to go when it’s in the station.” – [Laughter] – Oh Jesus! So this poor girl sits down. ”OK. Didn’t realise you were the poo monitor.” So she sits there till the train moves away. ”Can l go now?” ”Yeah, you’re probably all right now.” And then other people start asking me cos they’ve see… ”Can l go?” ”I don’t work here.” [Laughter] ”Just respect the rules. Jesus!” What’s funny, because of this 13-year-old getting this 15-year-old pregnant, it turned out he wasn’t the dad, that was quite humorous, secondly, we now have sex education for 5-year-olds being mooted by the government, amongst other policies. One of them is, they’ve got this scheme they’re gonna teach parents how to wake their children up in the morning. I’d argue that’s the most depressing thing you’ve ever heard out loud, isn’t it? If you can’t wake your kids up, sew it up or lop ’em off. ”This is an alarm clock. If you set it to seven it beeps twice and you wake the child up. ”So there we go. What do you use at the minute?” ”I hit them with a brick.” ”I’m gonna take your kids away, you fuckin’ monster.” It’s just depressing, isn’t it? Sex education for 5-year-olds, people are very upset about it. ”Too much! Too soon!” Calm down, they’re not gonna teach them technique. ”This is how I like to do it.” Slap on some funk. [Moans] ”Just make eye contact and then just drive it home! Drive it home!” Kids aren’t gonna rush home, put action dolls around their car and go, ”Mum, look, I’m dogging, I’m dogging!” [Laughter] It’s not gonna be any of that, it’s gonna be some poor teacher trying to talk to 5-year-olds about love. Can you imagine a harder job than that? ”Kids, we’re about to learn about love.” ”Well, good luck with that, I’m gonna lick that tree. ”I don’t wanna learn about dicks!” Imagine a harder job. ”Children, there’s a complicated thing called love. ”We meet somebody, there’s a feeling deep inside. We don’t really know what it is, ”but we know that whenever we’re near them it’s wonderful and comforting. ”Eventually, your penis or vagina ”becomes very friendly with the other person’s thingamajig. ”And it can be quite pleasurable… ”or painful… ”depending on how you do it. ”Any questions?” ”Yeah, l got a question. ”My brother reckons when you close your eyes, everyone in the world becomes a cat. ”Well? ”Cos if you close your eyes, you could be a cat right now. ”l open ’em, you’ve changed back again. ”Clever little bastard. ”I’m off to lick the tree.” ”It’s the worst way to learn. A teacher can’t teach a child aged five about sex.” There’s worse ways to learn than that. You can watch a duck go at it. Jesus! Yeah! You know what that looks like. It’s bloody horrible. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen duck sex? Christ! You don’t forget that! The noise alone. Wah! Wah! Four on one, they’re dunking the head, the feathers… Wah! Wah! No wonder Orville wore a nappy. Jesus! ”I want to fly!” ”You’re gonna struggle walking, Orville, they fuckin’ ruined you! ”Somebody get a safety pin! ”Don’t look down! Don’t look down!” ”I want to…” ”Shut up, Orville! Lift his head up! ”He’s in tatters!” Or you could listen to the Pope. That’s worse. The Pope recently went to Africa and said that condoms weren’t useful in the fight against AIDS. He said that abstinence was the way forward. l imagine God in heaven going, ”That’s easy for you to say! ”You’re an old man in a dress! Nobody wants to fuck you! ”Abstinence? There’s fuck all to do in Angola! ”They haven’t even got a Nando’s!” Sex education for… It has to be better than the way we learned. Cos how did we learn? Through rumours, animals, or porn we found in woodland. And as a boy that was one of the most terrifying moments of your life. Can you remember that? Maybe you’ve not been through this. You might be quite young. Well, you’ve got that ahead of you, its fucking terrifying. You look at a pornographic magazine for the first time, look at a lady with your mates, ”Do you like it?” ”I love it, it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.” But in your head you’re going… [Shrieks] ”That’s terrifying! ”Kill it! Kill it! ”It looks like Rio Ferdinand’s smile!” [Laughter] [Applause] That’s what you’re thinking. [Yells] ”It killed Boba Fett! It killed Boba Fett!” That’s what you’re thinking. You’re frightened! Doesn’t matter how you learn about sex, you’re gonna be rubbish at it the first time. As you get older, occasionally you’re all right, you have those amazing moments where you go, ”This is going all right. Hm-hm! ”Yeah! I’ve snuck this out from nowhere.” It’s a lovely feeling, you feel so manly. If you’re a beta male like me… there’s probably a few proper fuckin’ geezers in here. I’m not a manly man. A lot of people now have dogs, killer dogs! You leave me alone in a room with a dog and I’ll dress that dog up. [Laughter] ”Somebody looks like Sherlock Holmes!” ”Get the fuck away from me.” You know? I’m not a manly man. The only time I get manly is when I light a fire or put up a tent. It’s a lovely feeling that. You suddenly become very Alfie. ”Right, you darlin’, in the car, Daddy’s gonna put this tent up. ”That’s right, I’m gonna put up this tent and then I’m gonna make you pregnant.” An hour later, ”l can’t get the pole in the hole.” People will think you’re trying to kill an immigrant. It’s one of those… – [Laughter] – That’s just a joke. It’s one of those… That was quite lovely. ”Is that racist? I’m not sure. ”I’ll just fan myseIf with the Guardian. This is awkward.” And we can all agree with that! It’s quality! If you’re a fuckin’ beta, runty man, when you’re havin’ sex you feel so fuckin’ alive! You feel incredible! You feel powerful! You’re thinkin’, ”l’ll tell you what, if a burglar breaks in now, ”l’ll knock him out with my cock!” Think it! Never say it! Never say it! ”You’re gonna do what?” ”Nothing! Not gonna do anything!” What a Crimewatch reconstruction though, can you imagine that? l wouldn’t hit his head, it’d be thigh at best, let’s be honest. That’s if l was on a trampoline wanking, and to be honest if you’re on a trampoline wanking you probably wouldn’t need to hit the burglar, he’d probably get the message. ”Yah! Fuckin’ steal from me?! I’ve been wanking on a trampoline, fucker!” ”All right! All right!” Doesn’t matter how you learn about sex, always bad the first time, right? I lost my virginity underneath a bridge. Underneath a bridge in a place where trolls linger, that’s where I lost it. I could have banged a troll, I don’t know. There could be a lazy-eyed little troll going ”Daddy! Daddy!” It was dark down there. I was having sex… This poor girl, I tried my best. I felt very much like the Scottish football team at a World Cup, ”It’s just a pleasure to be here.” You want your 11-year-old self to be there just to prove to him that the future’s gonna get better. ”Look at that, that’s your willy in a girl. I know. Innit spectacular?” Admittedly it would be a bizarre episode of Quantum Leap, but… you know what I’m driving at, right? Now, I’m having sex with this girl, it’s going very badly, primarily because I’m not very good, she isn’t very good and my mates are watching me. Genuinely. We were at an army camp, ”How’s it going, Russ?” ”It’s a bit weird, to be honest. ”You’re looking at me in a tree and that’s really putting me off my stroke.” ”I’m fine with it.” ”I know you’re fine with it, Paul, ”but it’s really weirding me out. ”Are you wanking?” ”No, no. ”A little bit, yeah. ”I don’t mind. Do you mind?” ”I mind a bit.” ”There’s a woodpecker here who really minds.” ”I imagine he does, you’re wanking on his house.” I tell you what’s never good. When you’re losing your virginity… and somebody tuts. That’s never good. [Tuts] Oh dear. [Tuts] Oh no, what a fuss. That’s never good. I’m pretty sure at one stage she went, ”Oh, for goodness’ sake.” That’s never good. But I persevered, then she obviously thought, ”I’m gonna have a bit of fun.” So in the middle of it, I’m losing my virginity, she looks over my shoulder with exquisite acting, suddenly just went… [Sharp intake of breath] Shh! And I cacked it. I was like, ”Wha…?” Properly terrified. ”What is it? What’s behind me?” [Pants] There was a beat of silence, she looked deep into my eyes and went… – ”Boo!” And honestly… – [Laughter] ..the fear that went through… I was like, ”Ngah! Ngah!” I’ve never made a noise like it. ”Ngah-ngah-ngah! Ngah-ngah-ngah!” l sounded like a camel with an ice cream headache. ”Ngah-ngah-ngah! Ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah!” It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, but it led to one of the greatest. I don’t know if you’ve ever been inside somebody whilst that person is giggling. Oh, my God! What a feeling! It’s unbelievable! It’s like your dick is getting a handshake off Michael J Fox in a hurricane. It’s going… [Groans] – [Applause] – What a moment to arrive from nowhere! Brilliant! You know when life suddenly goes, ”I can do this.” You’re like, ”Oh-ho-ho! That’s quite weird and lovely.” So strange. That’s why I’ve got no time for… I’m not really a fan of technology, like communicating through… Twitter can really fuck off as far as I’m concerned. People say, ”Well, Stephen Fry’s on Twitter.” Yeah, he’s also on anti-depressants. And Stephen Fry’s got something to say, somebody else is just like, ”I’ve just eaten a banana!” ”Lovely. He’s invented a word.” Shut up.
Texting, I hate. When you’re together in a relationship, fuckin’ amazing, like stars colliding. When you’re apart you have to check in. Technology ruins the mystique of us all. ”Where have you been?” ”Who knows where I’ve been. ”Such is the mystery of Howard.” ”Have you been to the cinema?” ”Yes.” ”You don’t know what film though, do you? Wooh!” ”Was it Star Trek?” ”Mm.” I hate texting. You have to check in, there’s no mystery. ”I love you, l miss you, I want you.” ”I love you, I miss you, I want you.” And you realise after a while your relationship’s pretty much become a Tamagotchi. ”l better feed the beast, I don’t want it dying on me. ”I love you, Sarah.” Just lose the… Has any text ever been worthwhile? ”What are you doing?” ”I am eating a potato.” ”Why did you not put a kiss on the end of that?” – ”I’m eating a potato.” – [Laughter] ”You need to put a kiss. When you don’t, that means you don’t love me any more.” ”I do love you! I love you so much! I don’t know the etiquette. ”There are times when I miss you like a recently separated Siamese twin, ”but at this fucking moment I’m eating a shitting potato!” Send! [Cheering] ”Who is this?” ”I’m so sorry, Nan.” [Laughter] ”Please tell me you didn’t get the earlier photo of my penis.” ”I did. ”Why no kiss?” ”I’m eating a potato.” Because if you spend your life sort of looking down and communicating like that, you don’t see what life has on offer. And it’s amazing, sometimes tiny things can be really, really lovely. I was on a tube the other day, I saw a pregnant lady, right? Her husband or boyfriend was rubbing her tummy going, # Daddy is rubbing Mummy’s belly # I said, Daddy is rubbing Mummy’s belly… # And l was there going, ”That represents everything I want in the universe.” It was so lovely. But you can’t join in. [Laughter] # Stranger is rubbing Mummy’s belly # Ah, don’t be freaky, don’t be freaky # Come on, baby… # Little things sometimes make you so happy. Happier than they should. I’ve got a new shower gel. I can’t leave myself alone. Sniffin’ myself whenever I get the chance. Orange and mandarin. You feel like you’ve been licked all over by a panther who’s had 15 Fantas. It’s incredible. You know that lovely feeling when you’ve had a horrible dream, you wake up, you’re like… [Grunts, gasps] ”I’ve got to do my maths GCSE!” Then it slowly dawns on you. ”No, I don’t.” [Laughter] ”I’m 29. ”My teachers are all dead.” What a moment that is, you know? Or that noise in the cinema. I love that.
That’s another tiny bit of loveliness. You know when there’s a big glossy trailer? It always goes, ”Coming soon – July 2009. The Destroyer!” You will always hear one lone voice go, ”Well, that looks fuckin’ shit.” – [Laughter] – You love that noise. Sometimes followed by, ”I think it looks all right actually.” [Mumbles] ”..absolute shit…” Things from nowhere sometimes make you really giddy. Like watching drunk people, I love that. You know when someone’s a bit wobbly drunk and they put a bollard or a cone on top of a bus stop? How heroic’s that? ”I’m pissed. Fighting? Nightclub? Women? ”No, that bus stop needs a hat. That looks great.” The point I think I was trying to make is you never know what’s gonna make you happy. It can arrive from nowhere, like me and my family do a very weird thing with our dog, – which, I mean, we don’t like… – [Laughter] ”It’s a full moon! Shave it!” I don’t mean that. I recommend you do it. When you’ve something naughty to say, that maybe you shouldn’t say, simply pretend the dog has said it, it’s a wonderful game. My dad is the champion of this game. We use him as an evil conch, my dog Bert. Stroking him. We were watching The Snowman at Christmas. Beautiful film. Childhood film. My dad starts going, ”What’s that, Bert? ”This is the biggest advert for grooming you’ve ever seen?” So then the rest of us go, ”How could you, Bert? It’s an absolute classic, you disgusting dog.” [Whimpers] My brother jumps in. ”It’s a good job the snowman melted or that kid would have an arse like a slush puppy?” ”Oh! What an appalling dog!” Makes you so happy and there’s nothing wrong with that, is there? Sometimes you see something and you’re like, ”Wow! I’ve seen that. ”I will tell my friends about that. That’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen.” I was in a pub beer garden recently. I saw a full-size Jenga topple on to a pissed dwarf. Now… [Laughter] You don’t know what do. You’re like, ”Oh my God! ”Am l even allowed to laugh at that? I really want to. ”I know that makes me a bad person but if it was a big person and it hit him I’d laugh, ”but because he’s small I don’t know what to do.” Before the bricks hit his tiny face he went, ”Fuckin’ hell!” A bloke two seats along went, ”That was like 9/1 1 .” [Groans] The world’s a mad place sometimes, isn’t it? l saw this the other day – I saw a man have an argument with a parking meter. It was brilliant! It was in London. He put 50p into the parking meter, the 50p came out, he threw it away. He walked away from the parking meter, he obviously got to about here and went, ”You’re gonna leave it there, Dave? ”You’re gonna let that parking meter get away with that? ”Cos he’s made you look like a monkey, Dave, and you ain’t no monkey. ”Turn and face him, Dave.” And he turned to face him. He had a chat with his brain that went, ”I’m gonna need words when I get there,” and his brain went, ”I’ll give you words. I’ll give you words.” And the words that his brain obviously gave him, just after he’d punched this parking meter in the face, were, and I quote, ”You fucked-up gypsy.” [Laughter] It’s just mental, isn’t it? You’re there going… – Well… – [Applause] But what’s lovely about it, everyone in the room has been in a situation like that, when you’ve lost it with an inanimate object, you can’t help it. My mum has called a kettle a fuck-sandwich. She’s got no idea why. When you lose your keys, that’s the best. When you start talking, ”Where are you, keys? ”Seriously, where are you? Stop fucking around, it was funny for the first time. ”Come on, keys. Daddy needs the keys.” As if the keys… ”You’ll have to find me, Daddy. ”The pleasure’s in the chase.” Then you always inevitably go to God, ”Seriously, God, where are the keys?” As if… ”Hang on a minute, Rwanda, bigger issues. ”They’re by the microwave, Russell, they’re by the microwave!” It’s not gonna be like that. We always leap to the Lord in moments of pain or pleasure. If you hit your hammer on a thumb you’re like, ”Ah! God!” Sexual bliss, you’re like, ”Oh! God!” You can be as agnostic as you like, nobody has ever gone, ”Big Bang Theory!” It’s as simple as that. It’s interesting, He’s always there. And if you’re into religion, fair enough. It’s quite trendy to knock it, but whatever you need to get through life is your business, isn’t it? Like Richard Dawkins… He’s obviously a wonderful man with a really amazing mind, but he’s currently writing a book warning children against the dangers of fairy tales. Now, I would argue that’s a battle that isn’t really worth it. ”Children, I’m gonna tell you just why Humpty Dumpty is bullshit.” – [Laughter] – Do we really need that? ”All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty back together again? ”Well, let’s analyse that, shall we? ”Why would Mr and Mrs Dumpty call their first-born son Humpty? ”Bullshit. ”Point number two. An egg can’t walk, an egg can’t talk, an egg can’t climb a wall, ”if an egg were to fall off a wall he would not cry for help. ”Point number two – bullshit. ”Furthermore, how can a horse put an egg back together again? ”A horse has hooves, they gather no purchase. ”I’ll tell you a story, you little fuckers. ”A man is…born! ”He…works! He dies! ”Sleep well.” You need imagination. You need fairy tales up until the age of eight cos the world’s fuckin’ terrifying. It’s one of the greatest moments when your dad goes, ”I’m gonna tell you about Little Red Riding Hood.” ”Fuckin’ preach it, Papa, fuckin’ preach it.” ”There’s a wof in a dress.” You had me at woIf. You need imagination when you’re little. l remember once my brother was really upset, right? So in an attempt to help him… He was crying and I said, ”Don’t worry…” I’m eight, ”Don’t worry, Dan. – ”I can eat sadness.” Now… – [Laughter] I can’t. I can’t do that. But it really worked. I mean, I made a tool out of myseIf, I had to walk around the room going… [Laughter] But sometimes a little bit of imagination is fine, you know? I saw, the other day, a kid, he was about eight, eating a fun-size Milky Way. He turned to his mum and went, ”Mum, it doesn’t matter how many of these you eat, it never leads to fun.” How depressing’s that? ”You all right? Do you want a Happy Meal?” ”Life is suffering, Russell, life is suffering.” I just can’t deal with that level. Maybe I’m being mawkish, looking through rose-tinted glasses, l remember being very excited by a lot of things. If I had a fun-size Milky Way l’d have been looking at it going… [Gasps] ‘Nother! I’d have been very excited. l was excited about going to a Harvester. Christ! Can you remember that feeling? ”We’re going where? Fucking unbelievable!” Bragging in school the next day. ”Sorry, l can’t concentrate on your trivial shit, Miss, but I was at the Harvester last night! ”I went to the salad bar twice. Touch me!” Everything was exciting when you’re eight, that should be the way the world is! Remember the first time you saw a rainbow? Can you remember how exciting that was? ”Dad, there are colours in the sky. ”There are colours in the sky!” ”Well, that’s a rainbow, son.” [Gasps] ”And there’s a pot of gold at the end of it.” ”Oh my God.” ”And it’s guarded by a tiny leprechaun.” ”Pull over, Dad. ”Pull over right now. Let’s get that gold and pay off his mortgage. ”Mother, you’ll have gold teeth in the morning. Ring-a-ding-ding!” We looked for a rainbow… How weird’s this? Me and my little brother, we took a knife just in case the leprechaun acted up. [Laughter] ”Better pack a blade.” ”Yeah, small man syndrome. ”He might get naughty.” So… Thank fuck we didn’t find a tiny bloke! Imagine that! ”Where’s the money, fucko?!” ”I don’t know.” ”Pay up, you little Irish bastard!” Life is for living and it’s great, isn’t it? It’s really great when you’re reminded of that. Recently I had some anal issues and l thought l was gonna die, by which I don’t mean I can’t put my CDs in order. I mean, I thought I was gonna die of cancer of the bum. Erm… ”Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Jesus! You vicious bitches! ”Ha-ha! It’ll rot him from the inside!” God! How horrible was that? As ever, I went to the doctor’s and I pulled down my trousers… – Obviously, we had a chat. – [Laughter] Just wander in, ”I’m not very well.” ”I can see that. ”This is a dentist.” But l walked in, we had a chat about the bum cancer, and he said, ”Take your trousers down.” You’ve never done it slower in your life. l got my pants down to about there and just heard his booming voice go, ”In the other room.” And…you have a decision to make there. Do you pull ’em up? Do you waddle with pride? You waddle, you’re going for the waddle. The thing about waddling, the last thing you wanna do is waddle before a man’s gonna pop his finger in your Richard because now you’re a wiggling target, right? He thrust himself into me, had a wiggle around. Started chatting – that’s a first! ”How you getting on generally?” [Hoarsely] ”I’m fine. ”Can you draw the curtains? We’ve gathered quite a crowd.” ”Look, it’s H from Steps and he’s getting fisted!” ”I’m Russell Howard!” But it’s great… when you have a scare and then suddenly you go, ”Yeah, I’m doing it. I’m alive. ”I’m gonna hang out with people that I fucking love.” I love that. Hanging out with my girlfriend, my mum, my mates. Specially your mates, those fucking dangerous mates. The crazy mates you’d like to be. My friend Tom, one of my heroes. I fell in love with him age five. He stood up in the middle of a nativity play and went, ”Well, enough’s enough.” [Laughter] Heroic. He was the front end of a donkey. He was a genius. He was the leader of our gang, every gang had a leader. He always used to tell about sexual advice. ”Seriously, there’s a thing called Mars Bar parties.” ”We’re 11 .” ”I know. What you gotta do, ”pop a Mars Bar up the girl’s… [Whistles] She loves it.” ”Does she?” ”Yeah, she definitely loves it.” ”Can we not just kiss them?” ”Nope.” – [Laughter] – ”That is frowned upon.” So we took some Mars Bars to a disco. Aged 11 , music’s playing. [Hums tune] Music quietened down. We saw the girls we liked. When we saw a girl we liked we simply took out the Mars Bar and shook it at her, like that was gonna be enough. [Swishing sound] It didn’t work! We looked like we were teasing diabetics! At the end of the night boys are kissing girls, we’re in the corner of the room eating Mars Bars. ”It would be a waste to put it up their fanny.” ”I quite agree.” He’s the leader of our gang. He’s wonderful. We were watching that story about Elizabeth Fritzl last year and that’s one of those stories that really resonates with you, isn’t it? You can’t conceive of that level of sadness. You’re watching it and imagining it and it’s just horrific. Tom was there going, ”We should do something.” ”Okey-dokey! What are you gonna suggest?” What we suggested, what Tom suggested… We were sat there going, ”This is horrific, this is bad.” Tom went, ”We should get together, everyone who’s decent in the world. ”We should show her all the things she’s missed.” Imagine that. Like a conveyer belt of kindness. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? People turning up, ”This happened to me in 1995, thought you’d like it.” ”I seen this in 1987, take a bit of that.” ”This is Nelson Mandela. Tell her your story.” Just fill her full of joy and love. Wouldn’t it be wonderful? This conveyor belt of fucking hope. l was there going, ”That is a remarkable idea. But what would we show her?” And Tom went, ”You know what we’d show her. ”We’d re-enact the story.” Everyone has that, don’t they? You know that one moment? Like vapour funny, you know? You’re sometimes on a train and your brain goes, ”Remember this.” You’re like, ”Yeah, two years ago.” [Chuckles] ”That was fucking brilliant!” It happened to me when I was 17. I was not very cool aged 17, l was having… Cos when I was 17 I was having one of those chats where, all the time… ”What would you rather be, deaf or blind?” ”I dunno, that’s difficult.” ”Would you rather have like a chocolate face or bread for feet?” ”Russell, if you had no arms and no legs but really long anal hair, ”would you lower it down over the side of a cliff if l was in peril?” [Laughter] ”Slightly different from the other questions you’ve asked.” But l had quite a plentiful bush. I went, ”I’d help you.” Now, at this moment my friend Ritchie lit my anal hair. I don’t know if you’ve ever had that happen to you but that is pain beyond pain. I’d leap to the floor, patting my arse like that. My mates leg it. My friend Rob’s mum comes home to find me… She’s called Mrs Miller, she comes home, she finds me on the kitchen floor, on her kitchen floor like a meIting wookie and she is not happy. ”ls that any way to behave?!” She doesn’t know it’s been done to me. She thinks I’ve done it to myself and waited for her. ”You little pervert! I’ve seen you with your lazy eyes looking at my jubblies, ”and now I come home to find you on my kitchen floor with your arse on fire ”wanting me to look up your arse, you little bastard!” ”You’ve misunderstood! You’ve misunderstood!” Horrific moment in life. l wasn’t allowed round Rob’s house for a fuckin’ long time! Six months later, Rob’s having a party, ”Come round.” I think, ”I’ll come round.” We’re in the middle of this party, it’s fairly rubbish. ”Is there gonna be girls there?” There’s no girls, there never were. In the middle of this, there are people passed out, there’s about seven of us and my friend Tom goes, ”Russ, let’s go upstairs. ”We could go upstairs. ”We’ll put on Mrs Miller’s swimming costume.” [Laughter] ”We’ll put it on backwards and we’ll pretend we’re wrestlers.” Do you know, I honestly remember looking at him thinking, ”You genius!” You should have seen us. God, I’ve never run so fast in my life. We were up there, talcum powder, giving ourselves names, padding our way downstairs, we knew this was gonna be the greatest moment of our life. [Giggles] We got to the door, Tom goes, ”You go ahead, I’ve got something special planned.” I thought, ”You idiot. This is my moment.” I adjusted myself, leapt into the room, sure enough… ”Is that any way to behave?! ”Is that my nightie?” I was wearing it as a cape. What l should have said is, ”It is, I made a mistake, I’m so sorry, ”a thousand apologies, I’ll never do this again.” I didn’t say that cos I was cocky, I was 16 and l was pissed. l went, ”Yeah, do you want to wrestle?” Now… – the noise… – [Applause] She was shouting at me. She was very angry, shouting at me, I’m cowering. All of a sudden my friend Tom leaps into the room and I am well and truly saved. Because, evidently, this creative little weirdo had found some boot polish. [Laughter] That’s right, people of Brighton and people at home, my friend Tom had blacked up! That’s what he’d done! [Laughter] ”What the fuck have you done?” He leapt… All of a sudden I’m fine! I’m just a cross-dresser! He’s a gay racist! You didn’t know if you were allowed to laugh! ”Fuckin’ hell! Am I allowed to laugh? ”If I do she’s gonna kill me! I don’t know what to do!” Cos where he’d leapt into the room one of his testicles had wriggled free. It was the loneliest-looking thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It was like a fat man stuck in a train door! ”Is that any way to behave?!” And he looked back at her and went, ”Sometimes.” Yes! That is the story we’d tell her. Ladies and gentlemen of Brighton, what a genuine pleasure it’s been to do this. l hope you had fun. It’s been fuckin’ wonderful. Thank you very much indeed. [Cheering] Thank you very much! [Cheering continues] Thank you very much! Whoo! Well, fuck me, what fun. – [Girl] Fuck me! – OK. Wow! There you go. It’s gonna be quite an interesting encore. Erm… – [Laughter] – I-I can only… What was that? [Indistinct] That’s no way to behave? Beautiful, beautiful. You don’t want me to have sex with you, madam. Ooh! It’d be a bit… See? Look at that. I can’t… Look how… A minute ago I was all confident, ”Yeah!” ”Have sex with me.” [Groans] ”What? Yeah! Where?” [Groans] ”Right in your fanny and everywhere?” [Applause, cheering] ”I… ”I-I don’t… I don’t know if they have condoms big enough.” Oh dear. Furthermore, I have a girlfriend who l love. [Audience] Aw! [Clicks tongue] What a moment between you and me. [Chortles] How funny’s that? Me bogling for my girlfriend. You like that, baby? You like the way I move my ass? Have you seen the birds of paradise do that? It’s one of the loveliest things. Do you know about the birds of paradise? Cheer if you do. – [Cheering] – Isn’t it great? Have you seen it? David Attenborough. When the bird of paradise likes a lady bird… – Obviously like that. – [Laughter] The ladybird, that’d be a real stretch. ”My God, what’s he doing?” ”Eight dots. I gotta do this. Can’t wait till l tell the fellas about an eight-dotter.” That’s the only way you look at ladybirds, isn’t it? ”Two dots.” [Scoffs] ”Two dots.” ”Three dotter!” But the way the birds of paradise do it, it’s amazing. What happens is, when they see a lady they like they fly over to her and suddenly they go from very normal black-looking birds to blues and yellows and greens leaping out of the man. He does a really amazing dance, he’s like that, ”Yeah, yeah. ”Green? You want a bit of green, baby? ”Like a little bit of yellow? Blowin’ your fuckin’ mind! You like my plumage? ”Hey, how about a little bit of violet? That’s the way I… Hm?” The girl could not look any less bored. She just sat there. [Groans] ”Another day, another boogie.” ”Another boogie? Well, check this shit out, baby? You like the way l thrust my thighs? ”Thrust my…” And then she flies off, right? What’s brilliant, he flies back to his mates, who are on a branch, and his mates are like, ”Yah! You do know you were being videoed?” ”Eh? ”What? What?” ”Amber’s in the hedge.” ”He’s in what? ”Oh, fuck’s sake. I was going on about my plumage. Why didn’t you say something?” ”Coke can to the face!” So, no thank you. Any other questions? [Indistinct] Most awkward moment of my life? Er… I would argue putting marbles up my brother’s bum was a fairly tense moment. When your mother looks at you. That takes some beating. How about you? [Boy] The first time I met my girlfriend’s dad I tripped over and rugby tackled him. You rugby tackled your girlfriend’s dad the first time you met him? That doesn’t happen. You obviously thought to yourseIf, ”I’m going. ”Well, it can be a fall or a story.” And what did you do after that? Pretended I was unconscious as well. – Oh! That is beautiful! – [Laughter] Go on. Let’s re-enact it. Come up here, we’ll re-enact it. I’ll be the dad, it’ll be fuckin’ brilliant. ”I wonder where that little fucker is who’s boning my daughter? Oh, hello.” Wait! Wait! Bloody hell! Build up the tension. You nearly fucking killed me. Jesus! Don’t shoot your load straightaway. Build. Right. I haven’t even invited you through the door yet. No wonder you fucking went for him. So… Well the… Wait. [Laughter, applause] My wife and my daughter say that you’re the man who’s come round to try and win her hand in marriage. What are your credentials? Er… I got a distinction in my media product. Excellent. The world needs collages. So, I was thinking we’d walk towards each other and hug. How do you feel about that? Right, so… [Cheering] When in Rome… So we’re both unconscious at this stage. – So what happens from here? – Erm, well… – He was un… – [Laughter] He was unconscious for about five minutes and I was ”unconscious”… – Oh, you were faking? Of course. – Yeah. For about ten seconds. And then I got up and went, ”What happened?” Survey the scene. So just re-enact what happened. So, I’m out cold, right? Oh Jesus. He seemed like such a lovely boy. And here I am lying on… [Hushed] Get over to them! – [Mic thumps] – [Laughter] What happened there? [Cheering, applause] What happened? Uh… Well, as I went to shake your hand you sneezed and fell backwards, pulling me down with you and hitting your head on the floor, then headbutting me on the rebound and knocking me out. Sounds entirely plausible. – Come here. – [Applause] I am gonna take you into the house to meet my wife and daughter. – [Cheering] – Turn. It’s as easy as that. [Laughter] Right, I think I want a girl now. – Who… – [Laughter] Where did that go? Sorry, man, that was really… That could have really hurt. Did anyone get hurt? Sorry, I was looking down your top there, madam. I came over and went, ”Oh! Jesus. Fuckin’ hell.” Well, l’ll be honest, as ever in Brighton, you know… It always ends weird here cos I’ve got to leave my DVD with people at home watching it knowing there’s a boy backstage. ”Whatever happened to the boy?” Maybe we’ll do that as a DVD extra. We’ll find out, wouldn’t that be great? He’s just chained to a radiator. At the beginning of the next DVD he’s all withered, like a Dorian Gray face, and me going, ”Ha ha ha ha! We take him everywhere.” [Groans] ”Let me see my loved ones.” So, ladies and gentlemen of Brighton, it’s been the weirdest gig, as ever, but fuck it. It’s been a genuine pleasure. Thank you so much for coming, hope you had fun. Ta-ra. Farewell. Goodnight! [Cheering] [# Kasabian: Club Foot] # One, take control of me # You’re messing with the enemy # Said it’s two, it’s another trick # Messin’ with my mind l wake up # Chase down an empty street # Blindly snap the broken beats # Said it’s gone with the dirty trick # It’s taken all these days to find you # l tell you want you # l tell you l need you… # | [Cheering] Hello! Well! Well, well, well! That was a fairly nice welcome. Thank you very much! I love it here. I love Brighton, it’s fantastic. What l love is how people go, ”Fuckin’ watch out! It’s full of poofs.” ”And?” ”They’ll get you!” – ”They’ll get me?” – [Laughter] ”They’re gays, not ninjas. – ”They’re not gonna…” – [Laughter] ”..leap out of the window, bum me and escape on a death slide, l’ll be all right.” – It’s not like that! – [Laughter] You don’t drive into Brighton and have gay men banging their wangs against your car. Stop it, you beasts! [Honks] Stop it! # I am what I am! Cock-waggling bastards! [Laughter] There’s just a few of them and they’re very nice. I like it here. You had a good day? How’s Brighton? ls it fun? What’s the best thing about Brighton? – [Man] Leaving! – Leaving? [Laughter] Well, it’s gonna be a lovely gig when the crowd are funnier than I am! ”I’ll deal with this everybody. Leavin’. Have that. ”I’m Terry. I don’t fuck around with my heckles. I just get the job done!” [Laughter] – What do you do, mate? – I’m a sales manager. Oh, you’re up there? What do you sell? How aggressive. ”Whatever they fuckin’ want. That’s what I sell. ”Oi! Old lady!” ”Yes?” ”You’re gonna buy an iPhone, all right?” ”Yes.” ”You’re gonna buy five of them.” ”OK.” She’s quite a crippled old lady. You son of a bitch! – What do you sell? – Mercedes. Mercedes? – Do you fuck! Look at you! – [Laughter] ”Mercedes!” That’s just the name of one of your prostitutes. ”Mercedes, Debonair…” The Brighton pimp. ”She’s Mercedes. ”She’ll wank you off and give you a Ferrero Rocher and pop it up your arse.” – [Laughter] – Bit much that, bit much. You all looked so… ”Ah! No, I don’t think so. ”We don’t put Ferrero Rochers up people…” Has anyone ever had that? As if you’d admit to it on a DVD. ”I’m doing it now! Oh!” I’ve often thought, sexually, it’d be quite nice, you know when water’s in your ear… I’ll start the gig in a minute by the way. You know when water leaves your ear? It’s one of those rare moments in life you don’t give a shit you’re like… Ah! Oh! Imagine having sex whilst water was leaving your ear. How good would that feel? Ah! Ah! You’d have to tell your partner. That would really freak him out if you start… Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Here come the latecomers. – Just one man on his own. – [Booing] And look at the way you’re holding your hands like that, just… You’ve got T-shirts on that say ”I love Russell”, girls. That’s… Yep, OK, it’s quite nice. [Laughter] A little bit weird at the same time. And, lucky, you’re sat next to the nutters! There you go! ”We’ve done drawings of him and we’ve made little Russells out of pineapple.” Why were you late? Please don’t make it anything bad. What happened? – Why were you late? – I’m just late. – ”Nothing, I’m just late. Deal with it.” – [Laughter] ”You’re not my real dad. Grow up. ”I had to mow my plentiful lawn. Fuck you, Howard, and all you stand for.” Just edging, before… Rrrrr! ”I’ll be there when I’m there, OK?” What do you do? I like you. I like your confidence. ”l was just late, Russ.” What were you doing? What made you late? – Drinking. – Lovely stuff! Excellent! ”Bollocks! I’ve gotta go see that dick, haven’t l?” ”Yeah, yeah, l’ll go, I’ll go.” ”Just one more.” ”All right, one more. What’s the worst that can happen? ”Oh! I’m on a DVD. ”Shit.” [Applause] Don’t matter. Pleasure to have you here, man. I’ve forgotten what I was talking about. That’s a bit awkward. Look at you! Lovely! You did that! What do you do, mate, when not bellowing like a town crier? ”Hear, hear! Over there you’ll find Mercedes, good girl, good girl.” [Laughter] – What do you do, mate? – Bus driver. Are you really? Hence why you did that. ”Everybody off!” Everyone off quite camply, apparently. [Breathily] ”Thanks, bus driver.” What’s your favourite stop? You don’t have one, you treat every one with respect. That’s fine. Have you ever… [Quietly] Hey, let’s be honest. Have you ever just braked a little bit hard when you’ve seen an old lady in the middle? ”That was a fairly rubbish day. I’m approaching a roundabout.” So lovely, innit? Just the entire bus full of stamps and Werther’s Originals. Just Horlicks in your face. Bfff! Has to be an old lady, weirdly, doesn’t it? Look at you! ”Yes, it does, actually. Yeah, that’s er… ”That’s bus driving standard. If an old woman sits there, it is on.” Yes, lovely. Well, this is gonna be clearly quite a good gig. Well done, you, for being interesting. Anything else before l start the show? – [Woman] Whoo! – Just one… Oh! That was lovely! One whoo and one woman, ”No!” [Laughter] ”I’ve come here for material. l haven’t come here to listen about bus natter, OK?” I like bus… I like trains. I like watching ladies on trains, which sounds pervier than l wanted it… I don’t cover myseIf in coats and wait for them. Ladies! Not like that. I like watchin’ ’em fall asleep. ls there a lovelier thing in the world? [Groans] Especially when they get the wobbly head. And when you get snippets of dream, is there a lovelier thing than that? [Yells] ”Helicopter!” ”Willy Wonka, never again! Who?” ”Poundland!” I was watching this the other day, it was so lovely, I was on this train… I don’t know why… ”Train!” There were four women and they looked after one who was getting the wobbly head. ”Cover her up, she’s dribbling a bit. ”Come on, sisters, let’s get together and look after her. Our fallen princess.” I’m sat there going, ”You do not get that treatment if you’re a man, do you?” ”I’m definitely going, lads. Look after me if I pass out.” ”Yeah. On your way, dickhead, on your way. ”Right, he’s out cold. Gentlemen, let’s go to work. ”Shave his eyebrows, put his hand down his trousers, ”give me his phone, text his mum, ‘I am gay’, send… ”I do believe this is our stop. Everybody off quietly. ”Wait for the train to pull out, knock on the window. Yah!” That’s what happens if you’re a man and I speak as a man who’s arrived at Paddington Station with the word ”paedo” on his face. [Laughter] I did. Spelt with two Es. That’s what really annoyed me! ”You spelt it wrong!” ”You’d know!” ”That doesn’t mean anything!” ”I can spell the word ‘goose’, I’m not out laying an egg!” Walking around London like a Chuckle Brother, that’s not good! That’s one of the world’s mysteries. How did the Chuckle Brothers become children’s entertainers? You wouldn’t let ’em near your children, would you? Especially that gimpy one… ”Hello!” Looks like he spends his entire life sniffing trampolines. [Laughter, groaning] ”To me, to you!” ”Get the fuck out of my garden!” [Laughter] Don’t you hate it when that happens? Walking around with ”paedo” on your face. I would get bullied all the time. I used to get bullied when I was little. Really badly, cos l had a lazy eye and I’ve had an operation but it’s still bad if I look at the camera. I used to get picked on… ”Look at him. ”He’s obsessed with his nose!” [Laughter] ”Who said that? Which one of you said that?” And I went to my dad for advice. I used to cry a lot, – I looked like a Picasso in the rain, and… – [Laughter] ”Dad, l need advice.” ”Over here, son.” ”Well, stop moving then.” He did that thing, has anyone ever been offered advice from your dad… It’s never like, ”Brick in their face, this’ll deal with it.” It’s always like, ”Well, son, if you say this to the bullies they’ll bully you no more. Hmm! Hmm!” Never works. I cringe every time I think about this. Me, aged ten, stood in front of these bullies going, ”Bullies, how can my eye be lazy… ”when it wanders around so freely?” [Laughter] ”I think you’ll find I’ve got an imaginative eye. Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! ”As you were. You’ve been dealt with linguistically. Boo yeah!” They kicked the shit out of me that day. ”Get him! Imaginative eye!” I really wish I could travel back in time. ”Don’t worry, little man. In the future this is going to be mildly amusing.” ”Who are you!?” ”I’m you from the future!” ”Well, make ’em stop then!” ”Sorry, I need new material for my DVD.” ”If one of you could dress up as a clown and rape him, ”that would really finish this bit.” [Laughter] I’m not a time travelling rapist, l’ll be honest. Although, I… Not although! [Laughter] But I was on about time travel the other day, this lady in Manchester… I’ll ask you the same question. Where would you travel if you could travel back in time? Where would you go? – Fair enough. – [Laughter] No? No answers? [Overlapping calls] – Did somebody say Jupiter? – [Laughter] You can still go to Jupiter. It’s not time-specific, it’s distance-specific. Who the fuck is your science teacher? No, this lady in Manchester, it was brilliant. I said, ”If you could travel back anywhere, where would you travel?” and this woman went, ”Jesus’ time”. Now, there was a lady who doesn’t fuck around with numbers. But it made me think, when we think about Jesus, I bet you Jesus, if you met him, he was a right player. Can you imagine? In a crowd of this size. ”Oh no! Shit! We got no food, have we? ”Just got this fish and bread! ”What we gonna do? What’s Jesus gonna do? ”He’s gonna do this.” Whoomph! Fish and bread everywhere. He’s like that, ”Fuckin’ line up the prostitutes. ”Bam! Bam! Bam! ”Keep that out the book, it’s Jesus time.” – [Laughter, applause] – I’ll bet he was a right hound. Applauding the mere idea of Jesus doing that. Bsh! Bsh! I bet he was! Constantly! ”D’you see that? Bit o’ magic. There you go. D’you know who my dad is?” I doubt he did that, let’s be honest. Nobody’s ever done that! ”D’you know who my dad is?” Nobody’s ever said that. Unless it’s a particularly X-rated version of Oliver Twist. ”I just don’t know who he is. ”Water in my ear!” [Groans] That bloke’s off. Oh no! I feel really bad now… [Woman] It’s just two pints! – It’s just two what, love? – Two pints. It’s two pints? l’ll be honest, I don’t understand the heckle. It’s lovely. Are you implying that two pints of lager is on or they’ve had two pints and they now need a wee? They need two pints? Right. What’s goin’ on now? I’ll be honest, I don’t know. Feels like I’m being mocked by a pub landlady, it’s a lovely feeling. ”Two pints.” ”I don’t know what you’re on about.” ”Have a go on them, seriously, have a go on them. Do you want a beer or not?” ”I’d quite like a beer.” ”Touch ’em. Touch ’em.” ”Get out me pub.” [Gasps] I met Jonathan Ross recently. I was in a toilet backstage, he bursts in and goes, ”You’re thingamajig, aren’t you?” And I panicked and went, ”I can be whoever you want me to be.” Oh! I said that out loud. [Applause] We’re the same. I drift into situations, I’m an awkward fucker. I went to the Darwin exhibition recently at the National History Museum. – Has anyone been? – Yeah! There was some whooping over there! How lovely. What was your favourite bit about it? [Girl] Er… All of it. OK, fine. Fair enough. ”Brain?” ”Er… All of it.” I liked his handwriting, Charles Darwin’s handwriting, it’s properly squiggly-wiggly. Obviously that wasn’t how they said it. [Posh accent] ”You’ll find the handwriting is particularly squiggly-wiggly. ”And, oh, look! A butty-wutty-fly!” [Laughter] But I was obsessed by his handwriting and I was gonna take a pho… [Laughter] What sort of fuckin’ run is that? [WoIf-whistle] – Like a fuckin’ hobgoblin! What was that? – [Laughter] What happened to you in the toilets? ”Two pints!” What? That’s without doubt the best run I’ve ever seen back into a gig. ”Oh dear. ”Well, I’ve started running like this. ”If I get as low as possible I am invisible.” Aw! You were the kid at school who used to hide behind the lamppost. ”Good luck findin’ me.” [Laughter] You weren’t allowed a real instrument at school, were you? # Kumbaya, my lord! # Bangin’ your head. It’s fine, everyone’s welcome. Are you all right now? Are you settled? Thumbs up. What happened? Was there a… Don’t say ”two pints” again. Please don’t say this. I haven’t even started the fucking gig yet! – Go on. – [Man] You met Jonathan Ross! I met Jonathan Ross? I know I met Jonathan Ross! Look at people trying to help me! How lovely is that? ”Russell! You met Jonathan Ross! ”Christ! He’s off-piste! He’s off-piste!” [Laughter] ”Somebody make him some soup!” How lovely are you? Normally, ”Fuck off!” ”Russell! You were edging your way back towards the Darwin museum! ”Stay on target! For the love of the maker, stay on target!” I was in the Darwin museum and l had an incident with a nine-year-old girl. – That’s what I wanted to tell you, because… – [Laughter] Wait! I was taking this photo because his handwriting obsessed me, because with Charles Darwin you assume a neatness of the mind, don’t you? But his handwriting was all over the shop. l thought, ”Havin’ a go on that.” It said ”No photos”, l thought, I don’t give a shit, I’m gonna take one, show it to my mates. They’ll love that. ””Ere you are. Look at his handwriting. Innit all over the shop?” – ”Er, yeah. Er…” – [Laughter] ”Be honest, Russ, we’d rather look at lesbian porn but this is absolutely fine.” They’re obsessed with it, my mates, just makes me laugh. Honestly, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen two ladies on the end of a double dildo but for me it’s one of the funniest things imaginable, isn’t it? It looks like they’re on a see-saw, it’s as simple as that. ”This is lovely, this!” You can’t help but imagine a third sexual partner just out of camera shot on one of those weird rides you used to get… [Laughter] But then I have an odd sense of humour. I’ll give you an example. I found myself laughing, full-on laughing, at my genitals in the bath, right? I was… Has any man ever done that? I was there glaring at my knackers… Glaring’s the wrong word, it wasn’t a showdown! – But… – [Laughter] l was looking at them, giggling like an idiot, cos it struck me for the first time that my balls looked a little bit like bearded survivors from some form of shipwreck. I’m not proud of this. It made me laugh, which made my nuts jump up and down and then l started giving them voices, I don’t know why. ”We’ve drifted for so long!” ”I miss my wife!” Giggling like an idiot, and then I had this feeling of fear come over me which was, ”Have I locked the door?” Can you imagine that? If your mum caught you engaged in some form of scrotal pantomime? ”How long have you been there?” ”Long enough, Russ. ”Long enough to see my oldest son sing Celine Dion at his penis.” I’m awkward, l always will be. So l was at the Darwin exhibition, taking a photo. From nowhere, this girl comes up to me. She’s nine. ”What are you doing?” l forgot how to talk. Has anyone ever had that? l should have gone, ”Just back off. I’m taking a photo. ”Deal with it. I’m 29 years old.” But l didn’t, I went… [Groans] Have you ever got like that? Sometimes you get it in a lift. Someone says, ”What floor?” and you’re like… [Groans] ”Shit! I’ve forgotten how to talk.” So you overcompensate. ”Five!” Now they think you’re fuckin’ backward. ”Five!” And the temptation is always to act up in a lift, innit? [Groans] ”You smell like my fourth victim! ”Number six, please!” Took a photo, showed it to her. ”Delete it.” ”I don’t wanna delete it.” ”I’m telling the man.” ”Don’t tell the man.” So, in the middle of the Darwin exhibition, I had to scamper back, show her, show her that I’d deleted it, in the Darwin exhibition, I went, ”I’ve deleted it.” She walks off. Now what l should have done was punched her in the face, taken a photo of it and gone, ”Survival of the fittest.” But… [Laughter] My brain gave me that information three days later. ”Russell, it’s your brain here. Just like to point out how you can out-weird that child.” ”I’m in Tesco now!” I was offered a bag for life in Tesco the other day. – I can’t commit to that. – [Laughter] I don’t know what bags are gonna be like in the future. I’ll feel like a dick if I’ve got a plastic one in 2024. ”My bag packs itself and speaks Spanish.” ”Piece of shit! What can you do?” ”l can suffocate a child.” ”That’s all you’re good for.” [Laughter] I’m always doing it. Sometimes you do things, you got no idea why you’re doing it. For example, you get a cold can of Diet Coke. It’s not enough for you to go, ”That’s freezing”. You have to find somebody you love and put it on their head. You can’t not do it, can you? [Grunts] You don’t do that with any other food. ”This soup’s boiling. In your eyes!” For some reason you become a fizzy torturer. ”All right, Mum? Fanta to the knees!” ”Argh!” ”Dad! Holidays are comin’! Holidays are comin’! Holidays are comin’!” We’re all connected weirdly by odd things we do. We all laugh at stuff we shouldn’t do sometimes. Like I was at the zoo… You know those things where you think, ”Shouldn’t be laughing, too late. Ha-ha!” A friend of mine works in the psychiatric ward. Patient the other day, walking along, threw some drinks at the wall. My friend said, ”Why did you do that?” This bloke went, ”God told me to do it.” Apparently a bloke sat in his pyjamas went, ”l said no such thing!” [Laughter] You can’t help it. You’re only a human, you have to let the giggles out. I had a lovely one at the zoo recently in Sydney, where it was great. And, er… I really like zoos, erm… ”Really?” ”Yeah.” People get… ”Oh my God! How could you go to the zoo, Russ? ”They keep those animals caged up! ”Why don’t you just fucking put a cigarette out on a polar bear?” ”Thickhead, it’s a monkey!” We all want to be happy and we’re all gonna die, now back off, you know? I’ve got no time for any of that. These people, they normally kinda wear flip-flops even though it’s raining. ”Ugh! Deal with it! I’ve got a Che Guevara T-shirt on and I’ve got some beads. Meh!” And they say things like, they’re always like, ”You know, girls, with all the trouble in the universe ”I’m not sure I could bring a child into this world.” Oh really?! Cos your penis is linked to world misery, is it? [Laughter] ”Jenny, stop kissing my cock, somebody’s been mugged in Peru. ”I’m coming, Rodrigo, I’m coming!” Fuck off! These idiots. ”I don’t own a TV.” Doesn’t make you better than me, it just makes you a weirdo. [Laughter] You’re missing out on The Inbetweeners and the Compare the Meerkat advert – and both of those things… – [Applause, cheering] ..make you mental. Feel the excitement! Isn’t it amazing? We’re gonna look back at the recession and go, ”Do you know what got us through? ”A meerkat dressed up in a stately home… ”looking at us, tilting his head and going ‘Simples!”’ [Kisses] That was it! That was enough, you know? So I was at the zoo and this brilliant bloke, Australians are fuckin’ hilarious, this bloke was like, ”Couple of years ago…” And they don’t know they’re being funny. [Australian accent] ”Couple of years ago some bloke got into the lion enclosure ”and tried to read the Bible to the lions.” [Laughter] – ”They fuckin’ killed him.” – [Laughter] ”It’s a bloody long book.” Implying that that was the reason why they did it! ”Well this is dragging.” ”It’s too preachy. It’s too preachy.” ”I prefer Catcher In The Rye. Shall we munch his nuts?” You have to laugh. My favourite ever of ”belly laugh from nowhere” moments. A girl in our school called Lydia was trying to make her calculator work. She was repeatedly knocking it, not that seductively, but she was trying to make her calculator work by knocking it against the desk. Mr McDonald, our teacher, went, ”Lydia! How would you like it ”if l banged you against the desk?!” Oh! The greatest day of school! We laughed for three years. ”Stop laughing, children!” ”We can’t stop laughing.” Things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it! l was on the train the other day. We went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove, and my friend went… – [Laughter] – Exactly. l was laughing already. Then my friend topped it by going, ”I bet you money that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.” [Laughter] [Applause] What a thing to say! But when you think about it, she probably does! She’s got a sense of humour. I bet if she’s bored at a function, her and Philip have this lovely code. ”Philip? Philip! ”Hey, Big P, Big P.” [Sniggers] ”Mother’s talking. Big P, Big P. ”Check it, check it, man. Check it. ”Would you like to visit Didcot Ladygrove?” ”For real, baby, for real. ”And when we’re done with that we’ll visit Walton-on-the-Marsh.” ”Son of a bitch!” I bet they’ve got a lovely lifestyle. She must have a sense of humour, she’s married to him. How easy’s his job? Bangin’ her and being racist. I could do that. ”There you go, Liz. Chinky-winky-woo!” The royal family are amazing, aren’t they? Prince Harry. It’s really extraordinary cos a lot of us love him. I quite like the bloke. He has that kind of… The Sun newspaper can’t make their mind up about Harry. One minute he’s a ”war hero”, next minute, ”racist!” Make your mind up. ”We don’t mind him killin’ foreigners but don’t call ’em names.” [Laughter] We like him because Prince Harry has the Boris Johnson X factor, doesn’t he? It doesn’t matter what you think about Johnson politically, you’d love to go on the piss with him. You’d end up in a nature reserve with Johnson going, ”Fucking come on, let’s paint an elephant with Tipp-Ex.” [Laughter] You’d be behind him with a hole punch. ”Coming, Boris!” ”Ha! Ha! Ha! Ring a ring a roses!” It’s the same with Harry, we love him. He’s done so many things that we’re meant to be appalled by, he might as well have a weekly show called These Are The Things I’ve Done, and we’d watch it just to see him go, ”Yeah, man. ”I made a pube beard and I Sellotaped it to a swan. Big wow, OK? ”Big fucking wow, Britain! Huh? ”Next week I’m gonna light my farts and teabag a gibbon. Come on over! – ”Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s Harry time!” – [Laughter] We’d watch it! He’s brilliant! He’s ferociously stupid. That’s why we like him. It’s the same as Susan Boyle. That was the whole beauty, the fact that she was mad. She may as well just have wandered on, rubbed shit in her face and gone, ”Ha!” and we’d have still voted for her. ”I’m dangerously ill!” ”Sing it, bitch!” [Laughter] We like Harry because he’s thick. Proper stupid, it’s brilliant. Think about it, most of us went to comprehensives, he had a hundred grand spent on his education. lmagine that. Hundred grand, he went to Eton, the finest education money can buy. He got two A levels, one is an E in geography, one is a B in Art. Can you imagine that? If your dad has spent a hundred grand on your education? ”l done a drawing and l sort of know what a hill is.” Slap, slap, slap for you! The media really ramp things up that we don’t give a shit about, like the Daily Express headline the other day, ”Swearing is the blight of Britain.” Well, it’s not, is it? And if it is, we’re really not doing that badly. l doubt there’s anyone in Gaza dodging white phosphorous, going, ”This is horrific, this is so bad.” ”It could be worse, apparently a lady in Rochester heard a man say cunt in Asda.” [Laughter] There’s things to care about. Luckily we’re evolved and we don’t really give a shit about many things. Swine flu, nobody cared. It’s been upgraded to class 6, we stilI don’t give a shit. When swine flu first… AIthough it’ll be quite funny if, when this DVD is released, everyone’s died of swine flu. – Just one bloke, ”Very funny, dickhead.” – [Laughter] ”Very funny indeed! ”I speak to you from the future. ”[Oinks] I speak to you from…” [Laughter] We weren’t worried. When swine flu first came out we imagined just walking into a doctor’s surgery holding a pig wearing a sombrero. D’you reckon any kids have tried to bunk off school by going, ”Mum, I’ve definitely got swine flu.” ”Well, you haven’t, have you, Tom? You’ve got bacon on your face.” [Laughter] I read this horrible story… there’s too much fear in the world. I read this story the other day that some parents have started buying their kids stab vests to go to school with. As if your first day isn’t terrifying enough! ”Let’s just pop your stab vest on.” ”Where am I going?!” ”To a place of learning. There you go. I like you, they probably won’t. ”There you go. You’re a lion! ”They’re gonna stab you and I’m fine with that cos Loose Women’s on. There you go.” How fear-mongering’s that? ”Before you go to school, here’s a cyanide pill in case you get cornered ”and a bomb-proof pencil case, ”best pop a mouse trap up your arse in case your teacher’s a wrong ‘un. ”On your way.” [Laughter, applause] Too much, isn’t it? Too much! Let ’em just fucking go to school. All we had was wedgies! Too much. Like North Korea. Christ alive! Terrifying. You got this pensioner testing nuclear weapons underground. How paranoid is that? Calm down, North Korea. ”We need to defend ourselves.” ”Nobody wants to get you. You’re gonna be fine.” That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm. You’re gonna be absolutely fine. Jesus Christ! And talking of our MPs, we just don’t like them, do we? Like the MPs expenses. What was your opinion of that? – [Man] Cunts! – ”Cunts” said the man at the back. – I think that’s pretty much the opinion. – [Applause] That should have been the front cover of the Sun, ”Cunts”. Just you leaning out your van like that. That’s how we felt. One MP claimed 23p for a lemon. Fuck! How cheap do you have to be? l’ll give you the lemon myseIf, you pikey shit! 23p for a lemon? People claming for moats, for tennis courts, for lawnmowers, for swimming pools! ”It’s legal, it’s legal.” So’s waking your nan up dressed as Hitler, just don’t do it. ”Meaarghh! ”Make me jelly, bitch!” ”Ja, mein Fuhrer! Ja!” You’re allowed to do a lot of things, just have some moral decorum! And then on top of this you get idiots going, ”Makes you wanna vote BNP, dunnit?” Not really! Not in any way! Where’s the link there? [Northern accent] ”Cos that bloke’s had his moat cleaned and I’ve paid for it. ”He’s left me with no option but to become a racist.” [Laughter] – Has he? How does that work? – [Applause] ”Moat: cleaned out. Me: racist. There’s an obvious link there.” There is no link. That’s like watching somebody mow their lawn and going, ”I’m off to punch Ainsley Harriott in the face.” ”I’ve cut Kris Akabusi up and put him in my bin.” ”What the fuck have you done that for?” ”I seen a bloke eating a cake!” There is no link. They’d still claim, luckily they’ll never get in power, but they would still claim, wouldn’t they? It wouldn’t be $500 for horse manure, it’d be 20 grand to have the white cliffs of Dover engraved with the words ”fuck off”. [Laughter] You know what l mean? it’s just kind of… We don’t like our MPs, it comes down to that. We want change. It’s because Barack Obama‘s so… just brilliant. You’re looking at him across a river going… [Tuts] ”Aw! Can we…” [Laughter] It’s like looking at your dad who’s a bit fat and going… [Sighs] – ”l’d like that dad, actually.” – [Laughter] He’s brilliant, isn’t he? l tell you what, you know when someone’s beloved of the world when they get away with a disabled joke on telly. That is true power. And nobody gave a shit. Did you see it on Jay Leno? There was a laugh over there, you obviously saw it. Jay Leno went, ”You’re pretty good at bowling.” Barack Obama: ”Yeah, in a sort of Special Olympics way.” Everyone went, ”Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. He’s lovely.” Fuck! lmagine if Gordon Brown had said that, or David Cameron! We’d have thrown disabled people at him! ”Fuckin’ arsehole! Pass me Stephen Hawking.” [Mimics Hawking] ”Aim for his eyes.” – It’s what we’d have done. – [Applause] I don’t know whether you’re applauding because you like the sentiment or the mere idea of slinging Stephen Hawking at people. Just loading him in a catapuIt, aim him for Spain. ”You fuckers.” Whoomph! [Laughter, applause] And now you’re really applauding. Sounds like a BBC3 show, doesn’t it? ”Hi, I’m Vernon Kay, welcome to Stephen Hawking Slingshot.” [Laughter] ”You have to decide in which nation he will land. ”Are you ready, Stephen?” ”Yeah, I’m fine.” [Laughter] ”Well, let’s oil up the slingshot and…” [Sniggers] ”Let’s get ready to rumble!” Whumph! ”I’m here in Sweden.” So, erm… Where was I? Well, I was talking about something… Yeah, Barack Obama – wonderful man. The reason why we like him, I think, is because he looks clever. It’s nice, isn’t it? He looks like he thinks. We haven’t seen that in a fair while. Cos you used to look at George Bush and go, ”I could probably beat him at Trivial Pursuit” and that is not good enough. He’d eat the pieces, that’s not even good. Barack Obama would annihilate you, wouldn’t he? He’s amazing. Forward-thinking, cultured, intelligent. He’s trying to bring peace to the Middle East. He’s also reversed stem cell research. I don’t know if you know this, but George Bush was anti-stem cell research because he didn’t want to upset God. How funny’s that? The idea that God could get angry. ”They’re trying to make tiny versions of themselves! I’m absolutely furious!” He won’t be. He’ll be there going, ”This is incredible! Clever little fuckers! ”Have you seen this, Gabriel? ”First the George Foreman Grill and now this. It’s unbelievable. – ”Look at that!” – [Applause] ”Every day is wonderful. It’s called an iPod, Gabriel. Hm? Hm? ”Put it on shuffle. Put it on shuffle. ”That’s the stuff G.O.D. likes.” People get obsessed with music, don’t they? You hear people go, ”You know why kids are violent, don’t you? Bloody rap music.” It’s such a ridiculous argument. ”The Wu-Tang Clan, that’s to blame.” We don’t blame chill-out music for lazy fuckers… [Laughter] ”Look, you’ve been on the dole for three years. Curse you, Dido!” Some bloke crawling on the floor. [Groans] ”What’s wrong, mate? Have you got ME?” ”No, Enya!” – [Laughter] Ridiculous! Then they blame… ”Computer games! That’s why kids are fucked up! ”They see the computer games, they’re so violent, they re-enact them!” You’re like, ”What? No, they don’t!” You know? I don’t walk around dressed as an Italian plumber and try and eat mushrooms. [Laughter] I don’t go near a wall and go… [Hums Tetris music] ”I’m getting a Tetris flashback! Stop me!” But people love to be angry, don’t they? There’s nothing worse than an old lady or an old man who’s given up on life, you know? ”I’ve been alive for 60 years. l really hope I don’t enjoy the next 20.” ”I quite agree. I say we wander around like T-rex’s trying to shit out pianos.” Searching out misery. The world is full of woe and wonder. Don’t look for misery. Like, there’s nothing better than an old lady who thinks, ”I’m nearly dead. Let the good times roll.” We’ve seen them everywhere, those lovely women with twinkly eyes and wrinkly thighs and, ”Fuck it”. ”That’s right, Mr Bus Driver, I’m gonna sit here. Fuckin’ do your worst, dickhead.” Just gettin’ out a tiny knife. ”I’m comin’ for you.” My mum‘s like that, she’s brilliant. The biggest gig of my life, Wembley Arena, right? My friends saw my mum, as people are filing into this gig, pointing at her vagina, going, ”That’s where the magic comes from.” – [Applause] – It’s just beautiful. How lovely and weird’s that? Nobody knew she was my mum! All they’d seen was a very old lady declaring that she had a magic fanny! Like a weird extra from Heroes. I’ve never been prouder. ”All right, Sylar, watch this.” Whumph! ”That’s what you’re dealing with, mate. I just pulled a rabbit out of my chuff. ”Try and steal that power.” She’s brilliant. I’m lucky to have plopped out from that lady. She’s wonderful, right? l was brought up in a very odd way. Like did your parents ever just pull really extraordinary pranks on you? And you go, ”Well, that is a bit much.” I remember once I was in Lanzarote and we were eight, and l was taking some rubbish to a chute late at night. It had gone quite well, it was a job, and I thought, ”I’m havin’ a skip, I’m skippin’ back.” I’m skippin’ back, it’s going quite well. Around the corner two werewolves appear. [Laughter] And they say, ”Bleargh!” – And l gently pooed myself, right? – [Laughter] Mid-skip. Low moment, right? Now, turns out it’s my mum and dad wearing the woIf masks. ”Ah-ha-ha! Isn’t that hilarious?” ”Not really. I shat myself.” Now, I’ve only recently found out that they did not buy those wolf masks in Lanzarote. They bought them in England! Which is brilliant and mental at the same time! ”Look what I got, David. Couple of wolf masks!” ”Let’s put ’em on immediately and scare him. He’s sleeping, it’ll probably scare him.” ”Can I hold you just there, David, because I do believe we’re going to Lanzarote. ”Let’s get him in a foreign country, properly out of his comfort zone ”and then really shit him up.” Brilliant. That’s got to be better, hasn’t it? Being raised by people who have a sense of fun. I’ve got no time for the ”What’s next?” brigade. You’ve seen those people, you’ve heard them. They listen to the news and invent their own misery to go with it. ”Free TVs for prisoners? What next? Ice cream vans for paedophiles? Hm? Hm?” You’re there going, ”No, that’s not going to happen.” ”Free contraceptives for teenagers? What next? ”Toddlers dressed as gimps? Bah! Bah! Bah!” ”No, that’s not gonna happen.” ”Abortion at 26 weeks? What next? ”Fannies fitted with nooses?” You’re there going, ”No, none of these things will happen. You’re inventing your own misery. For fuck’s sake, try and enjoy life. They just wander round going, ”CCTV. Big Brother. Local post office. ”Rage. Rage. Immigration. Ga-ga-ga! Ga-ga-ga! ”Enough to drive you mad. This country’s gone to the dogs.” Just fucking streams of bullshit. My personal favourite – ”This country’s the worst in the world, it’s enough to drive you mad!” Yeah, I bet there’s some bloke in some war-torn African village as we speak, just weeping on the floor. ”What’s wrong, mate? Why are you crying? ”Is it cos you got no money, no food, no home?” [African accent] ”It is none of those things. ”Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight.” [Applause] ”Is there no God?!” We don’t give a shit about so many stories. Like that story about the 13-year-old boy that got that 15-year-old girl pregnant. Now, we were meant to go, ”Oh my God! Britain’s broken. What a palaver!” But, let’s be honest, my reaction was, ”Hang on, he’s 13 and she’s 15? ”Impressive.” How good is he at Laser Quest? You know? I could not have done that. I couldn’t have made a girl pregnant. I was weirdly proud of him. I was like, ”Go on, you little scumbag, well done. ”I’m surprised you didn’t start a fire by your shell suit rubbing against her.” I couldn’t have done that when I was 13. I struggle with girls now. I was on a train the other day and this girl came up to me and went, ”Excuse me, can you look after my bags whilst l go to the toilet?” And l… All l had to do was go ”yes” but for some reason I went, ”You’re not allowed to go when it’s in the station.” – [Laughter] – Oh Jesus! So this poor girl sits down. ”OK. Didn’t realise you were the poo monitor.” So she sits there till the train moves away. ”Can l go now?” ”Yeah, you’re probably all right now.” And then other people start asking me cos they’ve see… ”Can l go?” ”I don’t work here.” [Laughter] ”Just respect the rules. Jesus!” What’s funny, because of this 13-year-old getting this 15-year-old pregnant, it turned out he wasn’t the dad, that was quite humorous, secondly, we now have sex education for 5-year-olds being mooted by the government, amongst other policies. One of them is, they’ve got this scheme they’re gonna teach parents how to wake their children up in the morning. I’d argue that’s the most depressing thing you’ve ever heard out loud, isn’t it? If you can’t wake your kids up, sew it up or lop ’em off. ”This is an alarm clock. If you set it to seven it beeps twice and you wake the child up. ”So there we go. What do you use at the minute?” ”I hit them with a brick.” ”I’m gonna take your kids away, you fuckin’ monster.” It’s just depressing, isn’t it? Sex education for 5-year-olds, people are very upset about it. ”Too much! Too soon!” Calm down, they’re not gonna teach them technique. ”This is how I like to do it.” Slap on some funk. [Moans] ”Just make eye contact and then just drive it home! Drive it home!” Kids aren’t gonna rush home, put action dolls around their car and go, ”Mum, look, I’m dogging, I’m dogging!” [Laughter] It’s not gonna be any of that, it’s gonna be some poor teacher trying to talk to 5-year-olds about love. Can you imagine a harder job than that? ”Kids, we’re about to learn about love.” ”Well, good luck with that, I’m gonna lick that tree. ”I don’t wanna learn about dicks!” Imagine a harder job. ”Children, there’s a complicated thing called love. ”We meet somebody, there’s a feeling deep inside. We don’t really know what it is, ”but we know that whenever we’re near them it’s wonderful and comforting. ”Eventually, your penis or vagina ”becomes very friendly with the other person’s thingamajig. ”And it can be quite pleasurable… ”or painful… ”depending on how you do it. ”Any questions?” ”Yeah, l got a question. ”My brother reckons when you close your eyes, everyone in the world becomes a cat. ”Well? ”Cos if you close your eyes, you could be a cat right now. ”l open ’em, you’ve changed back again. ”Clever little bastard. ”I’m off to lick the tree.” ”It’s the worst way to learn. A teacher can’t teach a child aged five about sex.” There’s worse ways to learn than that. You can watch a duck go at it. Jesus! Yeah! You know what that looks like. It’s bloody horrible. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen duck sex? Christ! You don’t forget that! The noise alone. Wah! Wah! Four on one, they’re dunking the head, the feathers… Wah! Wah! No wonder Orville wore a nappy. Jesus! ”I want to fly!” ”You’re gonna struggle walking, Orville, they fuckin’ ruined you! ”Somebody get a safety pin! ”Don’t look down! Don’t look down!” ”I want to…” ”Shut up, Orville! Lift his head up! ”He’s in tatters!” Or you could listen to the Pope. That’s worse. The Pope recently went to Africa and said that condoms weren’t useful in the fight against AIDS. He said that abstinence was the way forward. l imagine God in heaven going, ”That’s easy for you to say! ”You’re an old man in a dress! Nobody wants to fuck you! ”Abstinence? There’s fuck all to do in Angola! ”They haven’t even got a Nando’s!” Sex education for… It has to be better than the way we learned. Cos how did we learn? Through rumours, animals, or porn we found in woodland. And as a boy that was one of the most terrifying moments of your life. Can you remember that? Maybe you’ve not been through this. You might be quite young. Well, you’ve got that ahead of you, its fucking terrifying. You look at a pornographic magazine for the first time, look at a lady with your mates, ”Do you like it?” ”I love it, it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.” But in your head you’re going… [Shrieks] ”That’s terrifying! ”Kill it! Kill it! ”It looks like Rio Ferdinand’s smile!” [Laughter] [Applause] That’s what you’re thinking. [Yells] ”It killed Boba Fett! It killed Boba Fett!” That’s what you’re thinking. You’re frightened! Doesn’t matter how you learn about sex, you’re gonna be rubbish at it the first time. As you get older, occasionally you’re all right, you have those amazing moments where you go, ”This is going all right. Hm-hm! ”Yeah! I’ve snuck this out from nowhere.” It’s a lovely feeling, you feel so manly. If you’re a beta male like me… there’s probably a few proper fuckin’ geezers in here. I’m not a manly man. A lot of people now have dogs, killer dogs! You leave me alone in a room with a dog and I’ll dress that dog up. [Laughter] ”Somebody looks like Sherlock Holmes!” ”Get the fuck away from me.” You know? I’m not a manly man. The only time I get manly is when I light a fire or put up a tent. It’s a lovely feeling that. You suddenly become very Alfie. ”Right, you darlin’, in the car, Daddy’s gonna put this tent up. ”That’s right, I’m gonna put up this tent and then I’m gonna make you pregnant.” An hour later, ”l can’t get the pole in the hole.” People will think you’re trying to kill an immigrant. It’s one of those… – [Laughter] – That’s just a joke. It’s one of those… That was quite lovely. ”Is that racist? I’m not sure. ”I’ll just fan myseIf with the Guardian. This is awkward.” And we can all agree with that! It’s quality! If you’re a fuckin’ beta, runty man, when you’re havin’ sex you feel so fuckin’ alive! You feel incredible! You feel powerful! You’re thinkin’, ”l’ll tell you what, if a burglar breaks in now, ”l’ll knock him out with my cock!” Think it! Never say it! Never say it! ”You’re gonna do what?” ”Nothing! Not gonna do anything!” What a Crimewatch reconstruction though, can you imagine that? l wouldn’t hit his head, it’d be thigh at best, let’s be honest. That’s if l was on a trampoline wanking, and to be honest if you’re on a trampoline wanking you probably wouldn’t need to hit the burglar, he’d probably get the message. ”Yah! Fuckin’ steal from me?! I’ve been wanking on a trampoline, fucker!” ”All right! All right!” Doesn’t matter how you learn about sex, always bad the first time, right? I lost my virginity underneath a bridge. Underneath a bridge in a place where trolls linger, that’s where I lost it. I could have banged a troll, I don’t know. There could be a lazy-eyed little troll going ”Daddy! Daddy!” It was dark down there. I was having sex… This poor girl, I tried my best. I felt very much like the Scottish football team at a World Cup, ”It’s just a pleasure to be here.” You want your 11-year-old self to be there just to prove to him that the future’s gonna get better. ”Look at that, that’s your willy in a girl. I know. Innit spectacular?” Admittedly it would be a bizarre episode of Quantum Leap, but… you know what I’m driving at, right? Now, I’m having sex with this girl, it’s going very badly, primarily because I’m not very good, she isn’t very good and my mates are watching me. Genuinely. We were at an army camp, ”How’s it going, Russ?” ”It’s a bit weird, to be honest. ”You’re looking at me in a tree and that’s really putting me off my stroke.” ”I’m fine with it.” ”I know you’re fine with it, Paul, ”but it’s really weirding me out. ”Are you wanking?” ”No, no. ”A little bit, yeah. ”I don’t mind. Do you mind?” ”I mind a bit.” ”There’s a woodpecker here who really minds.” ”I imagine he does, you’re wanking on his house.” I tell you what’s never good. When you’re losing your virginity… and somebody tuts. That’s never good. [Tuts] Oh dear. [Tuts] Oh no, what a fuss. That’s never good. I’m pretty sure at one stage she went, ”Oh, for goodness’ sake.” That’s never good. But I persevered, then she obviously thought, ”I’m gonna have a bit of fun.” So in the middle of it, I’m losing my virginity, she looks over my shoulder with exquisite acting, suddenly just went… [Sharp intake of breath] Shh! And I cacked it. I was like, ”Wha…?” Properly terrified. ”What is it? What’s behind me?” [Pants] There was a beat of silence, she looked deep into my eyes and went… – ”Boo!” And honestly… – [Laughter] ..the fear that went through… I was like, ”Ngah! Ngah!” I’ve never made a noise like it. ”Ngah-ngah-ngah! Ngah-ngah-ngah!” l sounded like a camel with an ice cream headache. ”Ngah-ngah-ngah! Ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah!” It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, but it led to one of the greatest. I don’t know if you’ve ever been inside somebody whilst that person is giggling. Oh, my God! What a feeling! It’s unbelievable! It’s like your dick is getting a handshake off Michael J Fox in a hurricane. It’s going… [Groans] – [Applause] – What a moment to arrive from nowhere! Brilliant! You know when life suddenly goes, ”I can do this.” You’re like, ”Oh-ho-ho! That’s quite weird and lovely.” So strange. That’s why I’ve got no time for… I’m not really a fan of technology, like communicating through… Twitter can really fuck off as far as I’m concerned. People say, ”Well, Stephen Fry’s on Twitter.” Yeah, he’s also on anti-depressants. And Stephen Fry’s got something to say, somebody else is just like, ”I’ve just eaten a banana!” ”Lovely. He’s invented a word.” Shut up. Texting, I hate. When you’re together in a relationship, fuckin’ amazing, like stars colliding. When you’re apart you have to check in. Technology ruins the mystique of us all. ”Where have you been?” ”Who knows where I’ve been. ”Such is the mystery of Howard.” ”Have you been to the cinema?” ”Yes.” ”You don’t know what film though, do you? Wooh!” ”Was it Star Trek?” ”Mm.” I hate texting. You have to check in, there’s no mystery. ”I love you, l miss you, I want you.” ”I love you, I miss you, I want you.” And you realise after a while your relationship’s pretty much become a Tamagotchi. ”l better feed the beast, I don’t want it dying on me. ”I love you, Sarah.” Just lose the… Has any text ever been worthwhile? ”What are you doing?” ”I am eating a potato.” ”Why did you not put a kiss on the end of that?” – ”I’m eating a potato.” – [Laughter] ”You need to put a kiss. When you don’t, that means you don’t love me any more.” ”I do love you! I love you so much! I don’t know the etiquette. ”There are times when I miss you like a recently separated Siamese twin, ”but at this fucking moment I’m eating a shitting potato!” Send! [Cheering] ”Who is this?” ”I’m so sorry, Nan.” [Laughter] ”Please tell me you didn’t get the earlier photo of my penis.” ”I did. ”Why no kiss?” ”I’m eating a potato.” Because if you spend your life sort of looking down and communicating like that, you don’t see what life has on offer. And it’s amazing, sometimes tiny things can be really, really lovely. I was on a tube the other day, I saw a pregnant lady, right? Her husband or boyfriend was rubbing her tummy going, # Daddy is rubbing Mummy’s belly # I said, Daddy is rubbing Mummy’s belly… # And l was there going, ”That represents everything I want in the universe.” It was so lovely. But you can’t join in. [Laughter] # Stranger is rubbing Mummy’s belly # Ah, don’t be freaky, don’t be freaky # Come on, baby… # Little things sometimes make you so happy. Happier than they should. I’ve got a new shower gel. I can’t leave myself alone. Sniffin’ myself whenever I get the chance. Orange and mandarin. You feel like you’ve been licked all over by a panther who’s had 15 Fantas. It’s incredible. You know that lovely feeling when you’ve had a horrible dream, you wake up, you’re like… [Grunts, gasps] ”I’ve got to do my maths GCSE!” Then it slowly dawns on you. ”No, I don’t.” [Laughter] ”I’m 29. ”My teachers are all dead.” What a moment that is, you know? Or that noise in the cinema. I love that. That’s another tiny bit of loveliness. You know when there’s a big glossy trailer? It always goes, ”Coming soon – July 2009. The Destroyer!” You will always hear one lone voice go, ”Well, that looks fuckin’ shit.” – [Laughter] – You love that noise. Sometimes followed by, ”I think it looks all right actually.” [Mumbles] ”..absolute shit…” Things from nowhere sometimes make you really giddy. Like watching drunk people, I love that. You know when someone’s a bit wobbly drunk and they put a bollard or a cone on top of a bus stop? How heroic’s that? ”I’m pissed. Fighting? Nightclub? Women? ”No, that bus stop needs a hat. That looks great.” The point I think I was trying to make is you never know what’s gonna make you happy. It can arrive from nowhere, like me and my family do a very weird thing with our dog, – which, I mean, we don’t like… – [Laughter] ”It’s a full moon! Shave it!” I don’t mean that. I recommend you do it. When you’ve something naughty to say, that maybe you shouldn’t say, simply pretend the dog has said it, it’s a wonderful game. My dad is the champion of this game. We use him as an evil conch, my dog Bert. Stroking him. We were watching The Snowman at Christmas. Beautiful film. Childhood film. My dad starts going, ”What’s that, Bert? ”This is the biggest advert for grooming you’ve ever seen?” So then the rest of us go, ”How could you, Bert? It’s an absolute classic, you disgusting dog.” [Whimpers] My brother jumps in. ”It’s a good job the snowman melted or that kid would have an arse like a slush puppy?” ”Oh! What an appalling dog!” Makes you so happy and there’s nothing wrong with that, is there? Sometimes you see something and you’re like, ”Wow! I’ve seen that. ”I will tell my friends about that. That’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen.” I was in a pub beer garden recently. I saw a full-size Jenga topple on to a pissed dwarf. Now… [Laughter] You don’t know what do. You’re like, ”Oh my God! ”Am l even allowed to laugh at that? I really want to. ”I know that makes me a bad person but if it was a big person and it hit him I’d laugh, ”but because he’s small I don’t know what to do.” Before the bricks hit his tiny face he went, ”Fuckin’ hell!” A bloke two seats along went, ”That was like 9/1 1 .” [Groans] The world’s a mad place sometimes, isn’t it? l saw this the other day – I saw a man have an argument with a parking meter. It was brilliant! It was in London. He put 50p into the parking meter, the 50p came out, he threw it away. He walked away from the parking meter, he obviously got to about here and went, ”You’re gonna leave it there, Dave? ”You’re gonna let that parking meter get away with that? ”Cos he’s made you look like a monkey, Dave, and you ain’t no monkey. ”Turn and face him, Dave.” And he turned to face him. He had a chat with his brain that went, ”I’m gonna need words when I get there,” and his brain went, ”I’ll give you words. I’ll give you words.” And the words that his brain obviously gave him, just after he’d punched this parking meter in the face, were, and I quote, ”You fucked-up gypsy.” [Laughter] It’s just mental, isn’t it? You’re there going… – Well… – [Applause] But what’s lovely about it, everyone in the room has been in a situation like that, when you’ve lost it with an inanimate object, you can’t help it. My mum has called a kettle a fuck-sandwich. She’s got no idea why. When you lose your keys, that’s the best. When you start talking, ”Where are you, keys? ”Seriously, where are you? Stop fucking around, it was funny for the first time. ”Come on, keys. Daddy needs the keys.” As if the keys… ”You’ll have to find me, Daddy. ”The pleasure’s in the chase.” Then you always inevitably go to God, ”Seriously, God, where are the keys?” As if… ”Hang on a minute, Rwanda, bigger issues. ”They’re by the microwave, Russell, they’re by the microwave!” It’s not gonna be like that. We always leap to the Lord in moments of pain or pleasure. If you hit your hammer on a thumb you’re like, ”Ah! God!” Sexual bliss, you’re like, ”Oh! God!” You can be as agnostic as you like, nobody has ever gone, ”Big Bang Theory!” It’s as simple as that. It’s interesting, He’s always there. And if you’re into religion, fair enough. It’s quite trendy to knock it, but whatever you need to get through life is your business, isn’t it? Like Richard Dawkins… He’s obviously a wonderful man with a really amazing mind, but he’s currently writing a book warning children against the dangers of fairy tales. Now, I would argue that’s a battle that isn’t really worth it. ”Children, I’m gonna tell you just why Humpty Dumpty is bullshit.” – [Laughter] – Do we really need that? ”All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty back together again? ”Well, let’s analyse that, shall we? ”Why would Mr and Mrs Dumpty call their first-born son Humpty? ”Bullshit. ”Point number two. An egg can’t walk, an egg can’t talk, an egg can’t climb a wall, ”if an egg were to fall off a wall he would not cry for help. ”Point number two – bullshit. ”Furthermore, how can a horse put an egg back together again? ”A horse has hooves, they gather no purchase. ”I’ll tell you a story, you little fuckers. ”A man is…born! ”He…works! He dies! ”Sleep well.” You need imagination. You need fairy tales up until the age of eight cos the world’s fuckin’ terrifying. It’s one of the greatest moments when your dad goes, ”I’m gonna tell you about Little Red Riding Hood.” ”Fuckin’ preach it, Papa, fuckin’ preach it.” ”There’s a wof in a dress.” You had me at woIf. You need imagination when you’re little. l remember once my brother was really upset, right? So in an attempt to help him… He was crying and I said, ”Don’t worry…” I’m eight, ”Don’t worry, Dan. – ”I can eat sadness.” Now… – [Laughter] I can’t. I can’t do that. But it really worked. I mean, I made a tool out of myseIf, I had to walk around the room going… [Laughter] But sometimes a little bit of imagination is fine, you know? I saw, the other day, a kid, he was about eight, eating a fun-size Milky Way. He turned to his mum and went, ”Mum, it doesn’t matter how many of these you eat, it never leads to fun.” How depressing’s that? ”You all right? Do you want a Happy Meal?” ”Life is suffering, Russell, life is suffering.” I just can’t deal with that level. Maybe I’m being mawkish, looking through rose-tinted glasses, l remember being very excited by a lot of things. If I had a fun-size Milky Way l’d have been looking at it going… [Gasps] ‘Nother! I’d have been very excited. l was excited about going to a Harvester. Christ! Can you remember that feeling? ”We’re going where? Fucking unbelievable!” Bragging in school the next day. ”Sorry, l can’t concentrate on your trivial shit, Miss, but I was at the Harvester last night! ”I went to the salad bar twice. Touch me!” Everything was exciting when you’re eight, that should be the way the world is! Remember the first time you saw a rainbow? Can you remember how exciting that was? ”Dad, there are colours in the sky. ”There are colours in the sky!” ”Well, that’s a rainbow, son.” [Gasps] ”And there’s a pot of gold at the end of it.” ”Oh my God.” ”And it’s guarded by a tiny leprechaun.” ”Pull over, Dad. ”Pull over right now. Let’s get that gold and pay off his mortgage. ”Mother, you’ll have gold teeth in the morning. Ring-a-ding-ding!” We looked for a rainbow… How weird’s this? Me and my little brother, we took a knife just in case the leprechaun acted up. [Laughter] ”Better pack a blade.” ”Yeah, small man syndrome. ”He might get naughty.” So… Thank fuck we didn’t find a tiny bloke! Imagine that! ”Where’s the money, fucko?!” ”I don’t know.” ”Pay up, you little Irish bastard!” Life is for living and it’s great, isn’t it? It’s really great when you’re reminded of that. Recently I had some anal issues and l thought l was gonna die, by which I don’t mean I can’t put my CDs in order. I mean, I thought I was gonna die of cancer of the bum. Erm… ”Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Jesus! You vicious bitches! ”Ha-ha! It’ll rot him from the inside!” God! How horrible was that? As ever, I went to the doctor’s and I pulled down my trousers… – Obviously, we had a chat. – [Laughter] Just wander in, ”I’m not very well.” ”I can see that. ”This is a dentist.” But l walked in, we had a chat about the bum cancer, and he said, ”Take your trousers down.” You’ve never done it slower in your life. l got my pants down to about there and just heard his booming voice go, ”In the other room.” And…you have a decision to make there. Do you pull ’em up? Do you waddle with pride? You waddle, you’re going for the waddle. The thing about waddling, the last thing you wanna do is waddle before a man’s gonna pop his finger in your Richard because now you’re a wiggling target, right? He thrust himself into me, had a wiggle around. Started chatting – that’s a first! ”How you getting on generally?” [Hoarsely] ”I’m fine. ”Can you draw the curtains? We’ve gathered quite a crowd.” ”Look, it’s H from Steps and he’s getting fisted!” ”I’m Russell Howard!” But it’s great… when you have a scare and then suddenly you go, ”Yeah, I’m doing it. I’m alive. ”I’m gonna hang out with people that I fucking love.” I love that. Hanging out with my girlfriend, my mum, my mates. Specially your mates, those fucking dangerous mates. The crazy mates you’d like to be. My friend Tom, one of my heroes. I fell in love with him age five. He stood up in the middle of a nativity play and went, ”Well, enough’s enough.” [Laughter] Heroic. He was the front end of a donkey. He was a genius. He was the leader of our gang, every gang had a leader. He always used to tell about sexual advice. ”Seriously, there’s a thing called Mars Bar parties.” ”We’re 11 .” ”I know. What you gotta do, ”pop a Mars Bar up the girl’s… [Whistles] She loves it.” ”Does she?” ”Yeah, she definitely loves it.” ”Can we not just kiss them?” ”Nope.” – [Laughter] – ”That is frowned upon.” So we took some Mars Bars to a disco. Aged 11 , music’s playing. [Hums tune] Music quietened down. We saw the girls we liked. When we saw a girl we liked we simply took out the Mars Bar and shook it at her, like that was gonna be enough. [Swishing sound] It didn’t work! We looked like we were teasing diabetics! At the end of the night boys are kissing girls, we’re in the corner of the room eating Mars Bars. ”It would be a waste to put it up their fanny.” ”I quite agree.” He’s the leader of our gang. He’s wonderful. We were watching that story about Elizabeth Fritzl last year and that’s one of those stories that really resonates with you, isn’t it? You can’t conceive of that level of sadness. You’re watching it and imagining it and it’s just horrific. Tom was there going, ”We should do something.” ”Okey-dokey! What are you gonna suggest?” What we suggested, what Tom suggested… We were sat there going, ”This is horrific, this is bad.” Tom went, ”We should get together, everyone who’s decent in the world. ”We should show her all the things she’s missed.” Imagine that. Like a conveyer belt of kindness. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? People turning up, ”This happened to me in 1995, thought you’d like it.” ”I seen this in 1987, take a bit of that.” ”This is Nelson Mandela. Tell her your story.” Just fill her full of joy and love. Wouldn’t it be wonderful? This conveyor belt of fucking hope. l was there going, ”That is a remarkable idea. But what would we show her?” And Tom went, ”You know what we’d show her. ”We’d re-enact the story.” Everyone has that, don’t they? You know that one moment? Like vapour funny, you know? You’re sometimes on a train and your brain goes, ”Remember this.” You’re like, ”Yeah, two years ago.” [Chuckles] ”That was fucking brilliant!” It happened to me when I was 17. I was not very cool aged 17, l was having… Cos when I was 17 I was having one of those chats where, all the time… ”What would you rather be, deaf or blind?” ”I dunno, that’s difficult.” ”Would you rather have like a chocolate face or bread for feet?” ”Russell, if you had no arms and no legs but really long anal hair, ”would you lower it down over the side of a cliff if l was in peril?” [Laughter] ”Slightly different from the other questions you’ve asked.” But l had quite a plentiful bush. I went, ”I’d help you.” Now, at this moment my friend Ritchie lit my anal hair. I don’t know if you’ve ever had that happen to you but that is pain beyond pain. I’d leap to the floor, patting my arse like that. My mates leg it. My friend Rob’s mum comes home to find me… She’s called Mrs Miller, she comes home, she finds me on the kitchen floor, on her kitchen floor like a meIting wookie and she is not happy. ”ls that any way to behave?!” She doesn’t know it’s been done to me. She thinks I’ve done it to myself and waited for her. ”You little pervert! I’ve seen you with your lazy eyes looking at my jubblies, ”and now I come home to find you on my kitchen floor with your arse on fire ”wanting me to look up your arse, you little bastard!” ”You’ve misunderstood! You’ve misunderstood!” Horrific moment in life. l wasn’t allowed round Rob’s house for a fuckin’ long time! Six months later, Rob’s having a party, ”Come round.” I think, ”I’ll come round.” We’re in the middle of this party, it’s fairly rubbish. ”Is there gonna be girls there?” There’s no girls, there never were. In the middle of this, there are people passed out, there’s about seven of us and my friend Tom goes, ”Russ, let’s go upstairs. ”We could go upstairs. ”We’ll put on Mrs Miller’s swimming costume.” [Laughter] ”We’ll put it on backwards and we’ll pretend we’re wrestlers.” Do you know, I honestly remember looking at him thinking, ”You genius!” You should have seen us. God, I’ve never run so fast in my life. We were up there, talcum powder, giving ourselves names, padding our way downstairs, we knew this was gonna be the greatest moment of our life. [Giggles] We got to the door, Tom goes, ”You go ahead, I’ve got something special planned.” I thought, ”You idiot. This is my moment.” I adjusted myself, leapt into the room, sure enough… ”Is that any way to behave?! ”Is that my nightie?” I was wearing it as a cape. What l should have said is, ”It is, I made a mistake, I’m so sorry, ”a thousand apologies, I’ll never do this again.” I didn’t say that cos I was cocky, I was 16 and l was pissed. l went, ”Yeah, do you want to wrestle?” Now… – the noise… – [Applause] She was shouting at me. She was very angry, shouting at me, I’m cowering. All of a sudden my friend Tom leaps into the room and I am well and truly saved. Because, evidently, this creative little weirdo had found some boot polish. [Laughter] That’s right, people of Brighton and people at home, my friend Tom had blacked up! That’s what he’d done! [Laughter] ”What the fuck have you done?” He leapt… All of a sudden I’m fine! I’m just a cross-dresser! He’s a gay racist! You didn’t know if you were allowed to laugh! ”Fuckin’ hell! Am I allowed to laugh? ”If I do she’s gonna kill me! I don’t know what to do!” Cos where he’d leapt into the room one of his testicles had wriggled free. It was the loneliest-looking thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It was like a fat man stuck in a train door! ”Is that any way to behave?!” And he looked back at her and went, ”Sometimes.” Yes! That is the story we’d tell her. Ladies and gentlemen of Brighton, what a genuine pleasure it’s been to do this. l hope you had fun. It’s been fuckin’ wonderful. Thank you very much indeed. [Cheering] Thank you very much! [Cheering continues] Thank you very much! Whoo! Well, fuck me, what fun. – [Girl] Fuck me! – OK. Wow! There you go. It’s gonna be quite an interesting encore. Erm… – [Laughter] – I-I can only… What was that? [Indistinct] That’s no way to behave? Beautiful, beautiful. You don’t want me to have sex with you, madam. Ooh! It’d be a bit… See? Look at that. I can’t… Look how… A minute ago I was all confident, ”Yeah!” ”Have sex with me.” [Groans] ”What? Yeah! Where?” [Groans] ”Right in your fanny and everywhere?” [Applause, cheering] ”I… ”I-I don’t… I don’t know if they have condoms big enough.” Oh dear. Furthermore, I have a girlfriend who l love. [Audience] Aw! [Clicks tongue] What a moment between you and me. [Chortles] How funny’s that? Me bogling for my girlfriend. You like that, baby? You like the way I move my ass? Have you seen the birds of paradise do that? It’s one of the loveliest things. Do you know about the birds of paradise? Cheer if you do. – [Cheering] – Isn’t it great? Have you seen it? David Attenborough. When the bird of paradise likes a lady bird… – Obviously like that. – [Laughter] The ladybird, that’d be a real stretch. ”My God, what’s he doing?” ”Eight dots. I gotta do this. Can’t wait till l tell the fellas about an eight-dotter.” That’s the only way you look at ladybirds, isn’t it? ”Two dots.” [Scoffs] ”Two dots.” ”Three dotter!” But the way the birds of paradise do it, it’s amazing. What happens is, when they see a lady they like they fly over to her and suddenly they go from very normal black-looking birds to blues and yellows and greens leaping out of the man. He does a really amazing dance, he’s like that, ”Yeah, yeah. ”Green? You want a bit of green, baby? ”Like a little bit of yellow? Blowin’ your fuckin’ mind! You like my plumage? ”Hey, how about a little bit of violet? That’s the way I… Hm?” The girl could not look any less bored. She just sat there. [Groans] ”Another day, another boogie.” ”Another boogie? Well, check this shit out, baby? You like the way l thrust my thighs? ”Thrust my…” And then she flies off, right? What’s brilliant, he flies back to his mates, who are on a branch, and his mates are like, ”Yah! You do know you were being videoed?” ”Eh? ”What? What?” ”Amber’s in the hedge.” ”He’s in what? ”Oh, fuck’s sake. I was going on about my plumage. Why didn’t you say something?” ”Coke can to the face!” So, no thank you. Any other questions? [Indistinct] Most awkward moment of my life? Er… I would argue putting marbles up my brother’s bum was a fairly tense moment. When your mother looks at you. That takes some beating. How about you? [Boy] The first time I met my girlfriend’s dad I tripped over and rugby tackled him. You rugby tackled your girlfriend’s dad the first time you met him? That doesn’t happen. You obviously thought to yourseIf, ”I’m going. ”Well, it can be a fall or a story.” And what did you do after that? Pretended I was unconscious as well. – Oh! That is beautiful! – [Laughter] Go on. Let’s re-enact it. Come up here, we’ll re-enact it. I’ll be the dad, it’ll be fuckin’ brilliant. ”I wonder where that little fucker is who’s boning my daughter? Oh, hello.” Wait! Wait! Bloody hell! Build up the tension. You nearly fucking killed me. Jesus! Don’t shoot your load straightaway. Build. Right. I haven’t even invited you through the door yet. No wonder you fucking went for him. So… Well the… Wait. [Laughter, applause] My wife and my daughter say that you’re the man who’s come round to try and win her hand in marriage. What are your credentials? Er… I got a distinction in my media product. Excellent. The world needs collages. So, I was thinking we’d walk towards each other and hug. How do you feel about that? Right, so… [Cheering] When in Rome… So we’re both unconscious at this stage. – So what happens from here? – Erm, well… – He was un… – [Laughter] He was unconscious for about five minutes and I was ”unconscious”… – Oh, you were faking? Of course. – Yeah. For about ten seconds. And then I got up and went, ”What happened?” Survey the scene. So just re-enact what happened. So, I’m out cold, right? Oh Jesus. He seemed like such a lovely boy. And here I am lying on… [Hushed] Get over to them! – [Mic thumps] – [Laughter] What happened there? [Cheering, applause] What happened? Uh… Well, as I went to shake your hand you sneezed and fell backwards, pulling me down with you and hitting your head on the floor, then headbutting me on the rebound and knocking me out. Sounds entirely plausible. – Come here. – [Applause] I am gonna take you into the house to meet my wife and daughter. – [Cheering] – Turn. It’s as easy as that. [Laughter] Right, I think I want a girl now. – Who… – [Laughter] Where did that go? Sorry, man, that was really… That could have really hurt. Did anyone get hurt? Sorry, I was looking down your top there, madam. I came over and went, ”Oh! Jesus. Fuckin’ hell.” Well, l’ll be honest, as ever in Brighton, you know… It always ends weird here cos I’ve got to leave my DVD with people at home watching it knowing there’s a boy backstage. ”Whatever happened to the boy?” Maybe we’ll do that as a DVD extra. We’ll find out, wouldn’t that be great? He’s just chained to a radiator. At the beginning of the next DVD he’s all withered, like a Dorian Gray face, and me going, ”Ha ha ha ha! We take him everywhere.” [Groans] ”Let me see my loved ones.” So, ladies and gentlemen of Brighton, it’s been the weirdest gig, as ever, but fuck it. It’s been a genuine pleasure. Thank you so much for coming, hope you had fun. Ta-ra. Farewell. Goodnight! [Cheering] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-iglesias-im-not-fat-im-fluffy-2009-full-transcript/ | GABRIEL IGLESIAS: I’M NOT FAT … I’M FLUFFY (2009) – Full Transcript | gabriel iglesias | [energetic music] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] – El Paso, Texas, give it up for Gabriel Iglesias! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ – What’s up, El Paso? [crowd cheering] Thank you guys, very very much. Oh, my God. Ah, I got chills. Lookit. Lookit. Lookit. Lookit. [laughs] Thank you very much. Thank you. Whoo. I missed you too. Sientate, tio; sientate. Oh, my God. Somebody saw me running. Correle, gordo. Correle, correle. Yeah, I know, friggin’… [exhales] [laughs] Oh, my God, you guys. I know a lot of you are like, “What took you so long to come back to El Paso?” [crowd cheering] I don’t have a good excuse, but I hope this makes up for it. [crowd cheering] Man, I have some history in this town. Been coming here since July of 1 997. [crowd hooting] Yeah. Used to perform on the west side of town over at Bart Reed’s Comic Strip. [crowd cheering] I was here on my 21st birthday. I’ll never forget. Never forget it. And that’s the last time I drank in El Paso. Uh-huh. You guys don’t mess around. It was my birthday. I’m hanging out at the club, and they’re like, “It’s your birthday.” I’m like, “It’s my birthday.” “You want a drink?” “Sure.” So I started drinking and drinking and drinking. And then the staff was like, “Do you want to party?” I was like… [slurring] “I wanna party.” “You want to dance?” “I wanna dance.” I passed out, and I woke up at someplace called the O.P. [laughter and cheers] Now, see, you guys are clapping and you’re laughing because you know. [laughter] I didn’t know it was an “alternative” night club. I’m from L.A. I thought O.P. stood for “Orale Pues”. [laughter] And that is a messed up way to sober up, you know. I’m at the club. I’m dancing, you know. [beat-boxing] Hey. [beat-boxing] Hey! [laughter and applause] There was a little guy behind me going, “Pikachu.” He was like, “Yo tambien soy Pokemon.” No. Uh-uh. But it was kind of crazy. I was getting checked out by guys. I was like, “Oh, my God.” And I know they were checking me out, ’cause they were looking at me like I look at tacos. But then I thought about it. “Oh, my God, I just turned on a man. Shoot.” Man, I called my girlfriend. I said, “You better not mess up. I have options.” Uh-huh. I have memory. A few years back, I was doing a show at the Comic Strip, and my idol, Mr. Paul Rodriguez, was in town doing a benefit. He calls up the Comic Strip, and he says, he says, “Hey, listen, I’m doing a benefit up the street. “Y sabes que, vato? “I’m gonna come down there, and I want to do some shots. Some tequila, some tacos.” I’m like, “Let’s do it.” He shows up to the club, and he says, “All right, get in the car. Let’s go.” “Where are we going?” “We’re going to Juarez.” “Juarez? Let’s eat some tacos here.” “I can’t afford you here. Let’s go to the other side.” [makes engine noise] So we wind up on the other side, and we wound up killing some tacos, and, you know, we wound up crossing the border. And when we crossed the border, it was a few months after I taped a bunch of water commercials here. You guys remember the water commercials? Yeah, and then they pulled me off the advertising because they said I was too fat to sell water. Whatever. So we’re crossing the border, and Immigration was right there, and they’re checking the cars, and we’re in a blue van. My buddy Jim, who’s sitting over there, was driving, and Border Patrol comes over to the window, and he goes— he opens the door and he sees me. He goes, “Oh, my God. It’s you. You’re hysterical. And I go, “What do you think of this guy?” And Paul was like, “Hey, what’s up?” And the guy was like, “Oh, my God.” So we wound up taking pictures at the border. And it was so funny, ’cause we’re outside the car, and we’re pretending to be arrested, right? People are driving by going, “Let Paul Rodriguez and Pikachu go!” They’re American! Let ’em go!” [laughing] It was priceless. We crossed the border, and Paul was like, “I want to go hang out and have a good time.” He went to this place off the 1 0 called Jaguars. [crowd cheers] It’s a “male,” you know, gentleman’s club, whatever you want to call it. So we go in there, and I’m like, “Oh, my God.” As soon as we walked in, I’m like— I’m thinking Paul’s gonna be all like, “Shh, I don’t want nobody to know I’m here.” Goes over to the DJ, and the DJ’s like, “All right, ladies, look who just walked in: Paul Rodriguez!” All of a sudden, there’s, like, 32 lap dances that stop like that. And all these girls, they bum-rush Paul. And I’m like, “Wow, I got to get funnier.” So we’re hanging out there for a couple of hours. So we wind up outside in the parking lot, And this girl jumped into the car, and she’s like, “Oh, my God, Paul Rodriguez. “I love you. My mama’s a huge fan too. Here. Please, please, please.” And he, “Whatever, whatever, okay, come here, come here.” “Here, please, talk to her on the phone.” “Ora.” He looks at me in the front seat, and he goes, “Hey, tu, Iglesias. Here, be me.” He put me on the phone with the girl’s mom. I’m like, “Hey, senora. How you doing? “Yeah, you know, uh… “your daughter, she’s a real angel. Yeah. That’s what they call her here.” [audience laughing] Yeah, man, I love Paul. Like I said, Paul’s the… you know, one of the main reasons why I got into comedy. And he used to mess with me a lot; trust me. In my last special, I talked about how I had a Volkswagen Beetle. It was a true story. I really had a Beetle. And I got rid of it because I got tired of the fat jokes. When you’re a fluffy guy and you have a little car and all of your friends are professional comedians… oh, they’ll make you cry. Paul, especially. “How the hell did you manage to squeeze inside of that? “Hombre, I have never seen a car expand before “while someone was inside of it. “How do you get a stretch mark on the windshield? “That’s what I want to know. When you fart, does it go faster?” One after another after another. I’m like, “Oh, my God.” And you know what it is? It’s Karma. ‘Cause ten years ago, I did a joke about Paul Rodriguez on TV. I used to be on a show on the Nickelodeon Network called AII That. Some of you remember? Yeah? That was me, a lot smaller. I was only two X’s. I was a dos equis. Yeah. Anyway, as soon as the TV show season was over, they gave all the cast members gifts. They gave this one girl a TV, this one kid a DVD collection. Since I was the only one who had his own car, they gave me a car alarm with a remote start to it. A lot of cars have those now, but think back ten years ago. There was only a few that had the… [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] My friends went, “Where’d you get that?” I looked at them, and I said… “Nickelodeon!” “That’s bad!” I go to show it off to everybody. I show it to my mom, I said, “Mom, go to the car. I got to use the bathroom. I left you a present.” [gasps] “Un present, okay!” So she goes to the car, and I started the car from the kitchen. [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] ” El diablo! El diablo! El diablo!” I had to run outside. “Mom, it’s not the devil. Lookit, lookit, lookit.” [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] “Nickelodeon!” “Oh, my God, mijo. Oh, my God, you scared me.” Me sacastes un pedo, mijo. “Oh, my God, mira. Smell, smell, smell. Smell, mijo, smell. ” I wind up doing a show in Hollywood at a comedy club, and I’m working with my idol, with Paul Rodriguez. Soon as the show was over, we go—you know, we’re walking out the door, and he walks up to me and he says, “You know, I like the whole fluffy thing you do. “It’s catchy. Sounds cute. Keep eating.” We walk outside, and my car is parked there first because I showed up late. So I’m—you know, my car’s right there and Paul walks by. “All right, take it easy.” He walks right in front of my car. And my friend goes, “Dude, show him your car. Show him Nickelodeon.” And I couldn’t help it, you know, freakin’… [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] “Hey! Hijole!” What the hell? What is this?” “Paul!” “Nickelodeon!” “Hombre, cabron pinche, Fluffy, you gave me a heart attack. You take it easy.” Valet brings his car around, a brand-new Porsche 91 1. The car was nice. You know, it pulls up. [imitates roaring engine] Valet gives him the keys. He turns around and looks at me. “Hey, tu, Fluffy. Check it out.” I’m like, “Whatever. It’s not Nickelodeon.” [imitates car alarm beeping] The door pops open. [imitates whirring, beeping] Trunk. [imitates whirring] “I’m not through yet.” [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] [imitates engine revving] [imitates car horn playing “La Cucaracha”] [imitates beeping] “HBO.” [laughing and cheering] A lot has changed, El Paso. A lot has changed. One thing’s for sure; I’m still the fluffy guy. [cheering] And I say “fluffy” ’cause that is the politically correct term. For those of you that don’t remember, I used to say that there were five levels of fatness. Reason why I say “used to say” is because now there are six. Uh-huh. I met the new one in Las Cruces. The original five levels are big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn! People ask, “What could be bigger than damn?” The new level’s called, “Oh, hell, no!” [laughter, applause] What’s the difference? You’re still willing to work with level five. Example: If you’re on an elevator and you’re with your friend, and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other, and you’re like, “Damn!” But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That’s the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator. [deep grunting] “Oh, hell, no!” [rumbling] “No!” [rumbling] “No! No!” That’s the difference. The guy that I met was 6″8′, 614 pounds. [audience gasping] Uh-huh, “Aw, hell, no.” And he was offended at my show, not by anything that I said but because of the fact that now, at the shows, I started selling T-shirts, and, apparently, I didn’t have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to 5X on the T-shirts, and he was like… [in deep, raspy voice] “You don’t have my size.” I was like, “Dude, I didn’t know they made you.” [laughter] I have up to 5X, I don’t have [growls] “X” with a picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know. No. And by the way, you guys, I want to let you know now here in this theater and all over the world, wherever anybody’s watching this special, if you ever see me in public, either at a restaurant or at a hotel or anywhere, and you want to stop me and say hello or take a picture or anything, please. I welcome it and it’s an honor if you were to do that. I do not mind at all. [cheering and applause] Stop me anytime you want. I’m the same person. The same guy. Thank you. Seriously, the same guy you see now is the same guy you’d see outside. I don’t change, you know. You’re not gonna walk up and go, “Gabriel, can I talk to you?” I’m not going to be like, “Be gone from me. “Gabriel is my stage name. I’m not even Mexican; I’m Scandinavian.” No, trust me, I’m the same pendejo you’ll see outside. I don’t mind. I love it, you guys, trust me. You guys make it possible for me to have an incredible life and take care of my family, so I’m all for it. Not a problem. Trust me, right now it’s so crazy ’cause I’m still adjusting to people walking up to me. I’m checking into the hotel, and they already knew me, which was crazy. I go like, “Uh, hi, I’m checking in.” “Here’s your key, sir.” “But, um, um…” “We know it’s you, sir.” I’m like, “Ah!” [laughs] You know, I think that’s awesome. I needed that, like, six years ago. One time, I was trying to check into a hotel in Chicago at 1:00 in the morning because I missed my flight. Nobody’s at the front desk, just the little bell and a sign that said “Ring for service.” So there I am. Ching. Ching, ching. Ching. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Ching, ching. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. All of a sudden, I heard this. “I hear the bell.” All of a sudden, this lady came out. [exhales] “Are you the one ringing that damn bell? What the hell you want?” “Um, I’m checking in.” “You know what time it is? It’s tomorrow.” “I know, I missed my flight.” “Mm-hmm, whatever you say.” [exhales] “What’s going on out there?” “Girl, you got to see this. “I got a big-ass Mexican showing up late as hell. Okay.” [imitates typing] “What’s your name?” “My name is Gabriel Iglesias.” ‘”E’-glesias?” “Yes, Iglesias.” “Okay, ‘E’-glesias, okay, E-G-L-I…” “No, no, no, no, it’s Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ “With an ‘I’? “But you said ‘E’…glesias. “You didn’t say ‘I’-glesias. You said ‘E’…glesias.” “It’s Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ “Mm-hmm, whatever you say. It’s your damn name. “Okay? Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ [exhales] “You know, that’s bad for you.” “Oh, this right here? My grandmamma lived to be 1 00 years old.” “Smoking?” “Minding her own damn business. Okay? “Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.’ “Okay, I found you in the system. I got you for two nights, full-size bed, non-smoking.” “I requested a queen-size bed.” “And you would have got a queen “if you’d have been here yesterday, “but it’s tomorrow and you’re lucky I’m talking to you, “Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.’ What’s the ‘I’ stand for— ‘I need a bigger bed’?” “What’s going on out there?” “Girl, you got to see this. Nacho Libre is trippin’.” “Whatever. Give me a hard time.” A lot has changed, though, man. For those of you that don’t know by now, I finally became a dad. [cheering and applause] Yeah. Thank you. Hell, yeah. He’s ten. [laughing] Surprised me too. Yeah, they found me. And it’s not what you think. I didn’t discover that I had a lost child. It’s just that I hooked up with a beautiful woman who had a pre-started family, so basically I became a stepfather. You know, I just took over the payments. Best part for me is that my new son looks exactly like me. He’s fluffy too. [cheering and applause] Ten years old, 1 62 pounds. Yeah, he’s a little— damn. [laughter] And he’s the cutest kid. You talk to him— his name is Frankie— like, “Frankie, what do you like to do?” “I like microwave burritos and PlayStation.” “Me too.” Only problem is he wakes up early, 5:00 every morning. [knocking] [in squeaky voice] “Gabriel.” “What?” “I’m hungry.” “Me too. Make something.” And he does. I can hear him in the kitchen making Hot Pockets, you know, freaking— [beeping] [whirring] [beeps] And he opens the door and doesn’t close it, and the whole house freaking— [sniffs] [moans, laughs] ♪ Hot Pocket ♪ Delicious, oh. Oh, my God, and he’s so cute because right now he’s going through puberty, and I think it’s hysterical. His mom doesn’t think so. She’s like, “No.” I go, “Yeah, I caught him checking out a girl.” “How do you know?” “I was looking at her too.” She was hot! And I told my girl, I said, “Baby, don’t worry. “If he has any questions, I’ll be the man. I’ll take care of it.” ‘Cause I went through puberty at ten. And she’s like, “Oh, thank you.” I said, “Don’t worry, I took care of it. “You know, hey, I went through puberty at ten. I understand.” Plus, I had cable, so it was hardcore, you know. You know, what’s the difference now is that now you can program channels not to work. You couldn’t do that 20 years ago. You couldn’t block a kid unless you stayed up. My mom knocked out at 1 0:00, and right around 1 1:45… “The following program has not been rated “by the Motion Picture Association of America. “Due to its graphic sexual content, viewer discretion is advised.” [shrieks] I was ten years old; I lost my mind. I’m sitting on that couch; all of a sudden… [beatboxing sultry music] [in deep, sexy voice] “Are you ready? Uh-huh, oh, yeah.” [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” “Oh, yeah.” “Yeah.” “Are you ready?” “I’m done.” And you know what’s crazy is, I know it’s happening at my house now ’cause one night I heard… [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” [laughs] “What’s he doing?” “Becoming a man.” And I was curious. I’m like, “I wonder what he’s watching,” so I started flipping through my channels, trying to find something that would “spark interest.” Sure enough, he’s watching Cinemax. Uh-huh, and I know that’s what he’s watching. That guy’s clapping— hell, yeah. [laughs] Cochino— yeah, I know. I know that’s what he’s watching because out of my TV, I’m getting direct sound, and then I’m getting, like, a little delayed echo down the hall. You know, so it’s like… [moaning] [distant moan] [in deep, sexy voice] “Yeah.” [distantly] “Yeah.” [moaning echoes] [in man’s voice] “Yeah.” [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” I saw him the next morning. I said, “What were you doing last night?” “I was playing Nintendo.” “Yeah, whatever. You were playing ‘whee’.” And now he’s like… [sighs] Uh-huh, whatever, dude. Anyway, I know I’m sweating up here. The whole front row— you guys are like, “It smells like carnitas. He smells delicious.” Oh, big guys, I don’t know what it is. When we get hot, we smell like food. We should have our own cologne, huh? “From the makers of Tres Leches…” [spraying] “What’s that smell?” “Taco.” I’m a dork, I know. People ask me about the voices all the time. They’re like, “Do you do that just on stage, or do you do that in public too?” Like, no, of course I do the voices in public. I have to make myself laugh. You know, I like doing the voices in places where people can’t see me. Like drive-throughs. Oh, I’m evil at a drive-through, man, except the one by my house ’cause they know me. I mean, they really know me. I could show up at 2:00 in the morning or 2:00 in the afternoon, you know. [whirring, brakes screeching] “Welcome to McDonald’s. How can I help you?” “Yeah, let me have…” “Pull up.” [laughter] “I didn’t order.” “Gabriel, pull up.” [cheering] Whatever. Other places I’ve had fun—IHOP. Look at some of you— “IHOP? ” Yeah, let me explain this one. Next time you go to an IHOP, look for the podium. Usually on the weekends, they’ll have the podium set up right at the front door, and when you walk in, they’ll have a host and they’ll ask you, “How many in your party?” And you tell them two, three, four, whatever the case, and then when it’s time for your seats, they’ll call you with the little freaking— you know, they got the microphone on the side of the wall, and they’ll go, “Paging party of four, paging party of four, now serving.” When that party walked away, I grabbed her microphone and I said, “Paging Mexican party of 47, Mexican party of 47, now serving.” And the whole restaurant was like… All the guys in the kitchen. ” Orale guey!” Hell, yeah. I love IHOP. I go too much, you guys. I was at an IHOP one time during an earthquake. Wasn’t a big one. It was enough to feel it, but not freak out, you know. I live in California, so we get ’em a lot. But if you’re not used to that, you’re all… [screaming] “Earthquake!” You know, and I’m sitting there. I just rode it out, you know. [laughter, applause] [laughter, cheering, whistling] [sighs] Freaking earthquakes, man. You gotta choose which one you want, you know. Do you want earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes, fires, floods? I live in California. I’ll take the earthquakes. You could sleep through ’em. You know, and then whenever they happen, you never believe it’s an earthquake. You’re like, “Is that an earthquake or a big truck?” Seriously, you’ll be like… [groaning] [mimicking truck horn] [screams] [laughing] Smell, smell, smell, smell. [laughing] [sighs] But, seriously, you can go to work and people are talking about how they were sleeping, you know. “Did you feel that tremor last night?” [yawning] You can’t sleep through a tornado or a hurricane. And I said that down South, and people were like, “Yeah, you can.” I said, “Not if it hits your house.” I’ve never seen that interview, you know. “Sir, what happened to your home?” [in Southern accent] “I don’t know what happened. “See, I woke up this morning, “and that son of a bitch was flipped over. “It’s the darnedest thing. “You know, I got a truck in the tree, “my dog is down the street, I can’t find my wife, “but that’s for a whole nother reason altogether. I was asleep.” “Sir, you were asleep?” “Damn right, I was asleep. “I got me one of them Tempur-Pedics over there. “Get ‘er done. That’s what I’m saying right there.” [cheering, applause] Whoo! [whistling] I love that impression, you guys. I love doing that. Every time I do it, somebody’s like, “Hey, that’s the redneck cable guy.” Mexicans, be careful. ‘Cause we have rednecks too. We do. And they sound exactly like the white ones. You guys are real quiet, huh? You don’t believe me? Watch this. White redneck: “I tell you what.” Mexican redneck: “Sabes que, guey.” [laughter, applause, cheering] [whistling] Uh-huh. White redneck: [imitating banjo] Mexican redneck— we put words and moves to that. ♪ Bailemos con el tuca ♪ ♪ Bailemos con el nazo ♪ ♪ Bailemos con el tuca tuca tuca tuca ♪ [cheering, whistling, applause] [cheers] Same guy. So be careful, man. [sighs] I had to take it easy with the voices once I got with my girlfriend. She, uh—she used to think it was cute, but then, you know, I scared her. One night we’re in the room, and she’s like, “Ooh, what are you gonna do to me?” And I was like, [in shrill voice] “You’re gonna get it!” [mimicking thumps] “Stop doing that!” [mimicking demonic laugh] Yeah. We used to role play. We used to play White House. Oh, that was so much fun back in the day. I’d wake her up at 3:00 in the morning. She’s like, “Who is it?” I was like… [mimicking Bill Clinton] “You know who it is.” [laughter, cheering, applause] “Ay, Senor, I don’t speak English.” [mimicking Bill Clinton] Hell, yeah. [laughter] That’s about as political as I get now, you guys. You know, things change. People ask me, “Do you get political?” I’m like, “No, not really,” you know. “What’s your take on Barack?” I’m like, “Well, he’s, you know, “he’s a lot smarter than the last one. That’s for sure.” I love his ass, man. [cheering, applause, whistling] Some people didn’t want Barack in office only because he was black. And I’m, like, how retarded— come on, you guys. You know, he’s Barack. He’s not Snoop Dogg. You know, it’s not like he’s going to come out, “Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.” [beatboxing “Hail To The Chief”] ♪ Here we go again… ♪ [beatboxing continues] “Mr. President, Mr. President.” [mimicking Lil Wayne] Yeah-ya? No. Anyways, that’s as far as I’ll go with that. “He said he wasn’t gonna get political.” Yeah, I know. Gotta change that up, you guys. A lot of things are changing. A lot. Got the relationship now. It’s going good. I love my girlfriend. She’s here in the house tonight too. [cheering, applause] It’s awesome. We rarely fight. And I think that’s so freaking cool. And I know why. It’s because I do this for a living. Uh-huh, and she knows whatever we argue about will eventually end up right here. [laughter] It slows her down. You ought to see her. “You know what I think?” “Go ahead, say it, say it.” Uh-huh. Yeah. The only problem I have with my girl sometimes are her friends. I don’t like her friends, ’cause they’re haters. [scattered cheering] They are. Look, the guy’s clapping. Yeah, I know, man. It sucks. Every time I leave the house, and I go out of town for the weekend, they show up, and they start throwing little monkey wrenches in there, you know. [in female voice] “So he’s not here? “Where is he? How come you’re not with him? “What’s the story? What’s the deal? “How long have you been together now? “You’re not engaged? You’re not married? “What’s up? Is he gonna adopt Frankie? “What’s the word? What’s going on? “How come you don’t have a ring? “Norma has a ring and she’s a puta. How come you don’t have a ring?” [laughter, applause] So I’ll get these messed-up phone calls at, like, 2:00 in the morning when I’m the road, right. [mimics phone ringing] “Hello.” [mimics crying] “Baby?” “Yeah?” “Are you okay?” “Mm-hmm.” “What are you doing?” “Nothing. “I’m just here at the house, watching Cheaters. ” “Great.” Oh, wow, did you see that? I almost fell. Ooh! If I fall now, show’s over. [mumbling] Oh, my God. Yeah, there’ll be people outside. “We’re standing here live in front of the Plaza Theatre. “Where authorities believe Fluffy lost control. “Seven people were reported injured, “three were rushed to the hospital. “Authorities had this to say, ‘Damn!”‘ [cheering, applause, whistling] Whoo! Thank you. They’d be interviewing people. “Ma’am, what happened?” “It got dark.” “Sir, what did you see?” [mimics roaring, thud] “Se cayo Pikachu.” Yeah, l know. “He fell.” Uh-huh. But, no, anyways, let me finish to tell you what happened. So my girl started tripping out, and I start getting these weird phone calls. Finally, I got tired of it. I said, “You know what? I don’t need this. “You know, I don’t need it. “From now on when I take off on the road, no more phone calls.” – Yeah! – Look at that guy. “Yeah!” Are you here by yourself? [laughter] Uh-huh. Whatever, dude. [applause, cheering] Anyway… Here’s the thing: I took my girl to the Apple store. And I got her an iPhone. I got myself one and I said, “From now on, we’re texting each other.” And believe it or not, she was cool with that, because anytime she would send me a text, I would reply like that. I could be anywhere. Freaking in the bathroom. Freaking… [mimics ding] “What are you doing?” [laughs] “I’m blowing it up! I love you.” Send. And she’d reply, “Oh, my God, me too. I love you!” It sounds so stupid, but it was working out perfectly until one night I got drunk. [audience oohs] Oh, you want to hear this? all: Yeah! – You want to hear this? all: Yeah! – So check this out. I’m leaving a comedy club in San Jose, California. And I’m walking back to my hotel room, which is one block away. As I’m walking, I pass in front of this bar on the corner called Cinebar. It’s got all kinds of cinema and movie memorabilia in there. Looks cool; I’m walking in front, and there are people in that bar that just left my show. So I walk in front, and I heard, “Fluffy! Hey, let me buy you a shot!” I was like, “Well, you know, I don’t want to be rude.” [laughter] Can’t have that, right? So I walked in. I said, “What’s—you know, I’m on way back to my room. I’ll just do a couple shots, whatever.” So you know, one shot and then somebody, “Me too.” “All right, me too. Vamonos. Let’s do it.” “Me three.” “Me four.” 1 5 shots of tequila later… [audience oohs] [whistling, cheering] It occurs to me, “I think I should go.” I start walking towards the door. I took three steps, the cold air hit me. I got dizzy and I fell. Hard. I know I fell hard, ’cause when I hit the ground I farted. [laughter] [mimics fart] “Oh, my God, I farted!” My buddy Martin ran over, and he helped me up off the ground. “You okay, Gabriel?” [mumbling] We stumbled back to the hotel room, I sit down in the lobby, and I’m just like… [exhaling] “Are you okay, Gabriel?” “I’m okay, man. Where’s my phone? I gotta let my girl know I’m okay.” “You’re holding it.” “Oh, thank you, Martin. I love you. “I love you. You’re a good friend, man. You’re a good friend.” He goes, “What are you doing?” “I’m gonna text.” “Dude, just call her.” “No! “If I call her, she’s gonna know something’s up. “I’m gonna text her. Watch. “Baby, I made it back to the hotel. “I love you. Kissy-face.” Send. [mimics ding] “How did it go?” [laughing] “I farted! “I shouldn’t tell her that, huh, Martin? “Okay. It went good.” [mimics ding] Send. “What did you do after your show?” “Oh, here we go.” My buddy Martin is like, “Gabriel, man, Gabriel, don’t tell her— “don’t tell her you were at a bar getting drunk, man. Don’t tell her.” “Martin, I have to tell her the truth, bro. “We’re cool like that, man. “I can talk to her. “I can—I could tell her anything, man. “She’s not like your old lady, you know. Trippin’ all the time.” “Hey, Martin, take the pictures of the cochina off the internet.” “Whatever.” “Oh, I’m sorry, did I say that out loud? Forgive me, bro.” “Gabriel, lie.” “I can’t lie, man.” “Lie!” “I can’t lie!” “Are you that honest?” “No, I just won’t remember the lie. “Why get in trouble two times for the same stupid thing? You know what I’m saying, bro?” So I sent the message. “Baby, I made it… Oh, delete, delete, delete.” [chuckles] “Baby, I went next door “with Martin to Cinebar. “Had a nice time. “Kissy face, kissy face. “Kissy face. Send.” [imitates cell phone chiming] “Lucky you. “Wish I could’ve been there with you. “Tell Martin I said hi. I love you.” [laughing] Oh, my God. Martin, I just told my girlfriend I was at a bar with you, and she didn’t get mad. What the hell is she doing? [laughter, applause] Man, she told me to tell you hi. And she don’t even like you. So I scroll back to read what she read, and apparently, my stupid iPhone has this memory spell check feature, and it didn’t recognize the word, “Cinebar.” It flipped it and turned it into Cinnabon. So apparently, at 1 0:00 at night, my girlfriend thought I was having cinnamon rolls with my friend, Martin, which normally, would sound like an ugly lie, but considering her boyfriend is known as “the fluffy guy” who loves “chocolate cake,” it sounds real. I was like, “Oh, my God. “Martin, check it out! My iPhone lied for me.” [laughter, applause] I love you, iPhone! BlackBerry can’t do that. [cackling] A month later, my girlfriend heard me tell the story, and she’s like, “That’s a funny joke.” I go, “It really happened.” “How come you didn’t tell me?” I said, “The phone didn’t let me.” And her friends are right there. “See, he’s out there getting wasted, sending you messed-up texts.” “Whatever. Shut up, haters.” Yeah, a lot of things are going on. Um, in the house here tonight, you guys, I’m very happy she was able to make it. A lot has been going on. My mom once again here at my special… is in here. [audience cheering] Where you at, Ma? I know you’re out here. Oh, there she is. [audience cheering] Andale. She almost didn’t make it here tonight, you guys, almost. Uh, a month ago, my mom got admitted to the hospital. She got a little sick. Somebody forgot to take their medication, uh-uh. “I don’t need it pa’que… pa’que neces…ay, ay.” Yeah, uh-uh, remember that? Remember that? Right? Anyway, Mom… Sorry, I have to throw it at her so she makes sure she takes her medicine. Got to give my little shout-outs right now. Right here in the front row, you guys… if anybody saw my last DVD, in the bonus features, this gentleman right here, Freddy Franco— Fred Franco— has attended over 250 of my shows. Over 250 of my shows. In about five or six different states. At first, my girlfriend was like, “Psycho.” But he’s not— he’s cool. We’ve hung out with him. Just a—one of the greatest fans ever, and so I have to give him his props, you know. He, uh, took some time off of work to come out here. So thank you, Freddy. Man. Cabron, you’re die-hard. Please don’t ever turn psycho, please. ‘Cause I have some psychos out there. They’ll show up, and they’ll hang out by the car. “Gabriel.” [laughing nuttily] It’s funny because this is my— this is my third special. In the last special that I did, I did a bunch of references to police officers. And they weren’t exactly flattering references or jokes. You know, I was just kind of like saying, you know, the whole doughnut thing and, um…[laughs] Apparently, they became fans in some weird way, because I started getting phone calls to do police functions. In December, I had five Christmas parties. I got a phone call from my agent. He’s like, “Gabe, check it out. “CHP, California Highway Patrol, wants to hire you to do a show.” I go, “Really? What does it pay?” “They want you to donate your time.” “I think I’m busy.” “They told me to let you know you have a warrant in the city of Fresno, California.” I’m like, “Oh, they’re good.” So I did the show. And I’m gonna tell you guys right now— I’m gonna tell you guys right now, it was one of the scariest shows I ever did. A room full of nothing but cops. Everybody’s drinking a lot. And I’m scared, because if they get ghetto, who do I call? You know, I got to go out in the parking lot and find some gang member. “Hey, back me up!” So the show went good. It went so good that they asked me to do another show in California, in San Diego, for the California Highway Patrol Border Division. And I tried to make up an excuse that my car wasn’t working right. They said, “No worries. We understand.” They sent a patrol car to my house with a freaking uniformed officer. And I was like, “Oh, my God.” Best part was I didn’t tell my family he was coming. Oh, yeah, sometimes you have to create your own entertainment. It was hysterical. 5:00 rolled around. I’m like, “He should be here any minute.” Sure enough… [imitates doorbell ringing] “Frankie! Frankie, can you get the door, please?” “Okay, Gabriel.” So he goes to the door. Comes back, and he’s got, like—you know, he’s like… [whispering] “Gabriel. Gabriel, the police are here.” “Why are you whispering?” ‘”Cause something’s gonna happen.” When he said that, I’m like, “Oh, I got to freaking let him have it now, right?” I said, “Oh, my God, Frankie, they found me.” “What do you mean, Gabriel?” “I got to go, Frankie. I got to go. “Take care of your mom for me, okay? I love you. I love you.” “No!” “I got to go, Frankie.” And I saw the officer— I said, “Pretend you’re arresting me. I want to freak out my kid.” “No problem. Turn around and put your hands behind your back.” “I can’t reach. “Just hold my hand. “Walk me to the car. Just walk me to the car. “Come on, just walk me to the car. “He doesn’t know the difference, dude. “Just walk me to the freaking car. Come on.” I get to the cop car. He throws me in the backseat, right, and slams the door. And I ask him, “Is it okay if I yell out the window to freak out my kid?” “You want to use the microphone?” “Yeah!” Freaking… [imitates microphone feedback] “Here you go, sir.” And he hands me the microphone, and I said, “Frankie, this is the police. “We have your father. “We’re coming back for you in one hour. Do your homework.” [imitates siren warbling] [imitates car driving away] One minute later, my girlfriend calls me. “You’re an ass!” “What’s he doing?” “He’s doing his homework.” “That’s called parenting, baby.” [cheering and applause] [sighs, chuckles] He got even with me, though. He totally got even with me. I walked in the kitchen one morning. He’s sitting there, and he looks at me, and he goes, “Gabriel, I have a question for you. What’s a hooker?” [sternly] “What did you say?” “What’s a hooker?” “Where did you hear that?” “I was watching HBO, and there was a commercial “for a show called Hookers at the Point. “It said, ‘This Saturday at 1 1:30, “check out all the hookers.’ What’s that mean?” “That means we’re going out Saturday.” “What’s a hooker?” “Let it go, dude.” “Tell me.” “You don’t need to know.” “Tell me.” “Frankie, that’s for adults.” “You said I was an adult.” “I said you eat like an adult. “And what you do in the bathroom, “you are grown up— trust me— but you don’t need to know what a hooker is.” He throws a fit in the kitchen. “Hooker! Hooker! Hooker! Hooker!” “What are you doing?” “Hooker!” He won’t stop. I don’t know what to do, so I snapped. “Quit it!” And he stopped. And apparently, his mom heard that. Mm-hmm, and as soon as I yelled, [laughing] Oh…my God, he went from being my son to my girlfriend’s little cub once again. And here she comes from the other side of the house, mama lion, to protect her little, you know… [mimics theme from The Lion King] [roaring] [imitating hoofbeats] I could see her coming. [screams] [roaring] “Why are you yelling at my baby?” Oh, my God. “He wants to know what a hooker is.” [crying] “And that’s why you’re yelling?” Tears, right? “You said, if he had any questions, he could come to you.” “I didn’t know he was going to ask me that.” “You said, ‘Don’t worry, baby. ‘”I’m the man. I’ll take care of it.”‘ “Tell him.” “Are you serious?” “Tell him now.” [sighs] “Frankie, you want to know what a hooker is?” “Yeah.” “Those are your mom’s friends.” [audience laughing] [imitates car speeding away] They don’t like me anyway. At least now, when they come over to the house— “Frankie, who’s at the door?” “Hookers are here.” My buddies are like, “What did he say?” “Happy birthday.” [cackling] Oh, my God. Noticing we got a soldier in the front row, man. How you doing, bro? US Army? [cheering and applause] Thanks for coming, man. What’s your name? I can see…yeah, I can read the last name, Fuentes, but what’s your name? What’s that? Ricardo. Ricardo… you’re in El Paso. “Ricardo, cabron. ” Save Ricardo for over there, okay? Okay? “Ricardo!” I want you to sound like you’re in one of those noveIas. “Who is it?” [suavely] “It’s Ricardo.” “Did you bring a pistola?” [imitates gun cocking] Sorry, man, I’m just giving you a tough time, man. But thank you for coming, man. Thank you for what you do. [cheering and applause] Seriously, bro. I did a tour recently called “Around in the World in Eight Days.” We went to, uh, Iraq, Afghanistan, Germany, Turkey, uh, Greenland, Alaska, and Los Angeles. They had to drop me off. Iraq was crazy, you guys. When you land in Iraq, it’s not like landing here, you know, in El Paso, where the plane comes in… [imitates landing airplane] Over there, people take shots at the planes, so the plane comes in like this. Like that. And then, at the last minute… [imitates whooshing airplane] Caca. The whole plane smelled like chimichangas. It was terrible. [groans] [laughter] That, for me, was one of the scariest shows of my life, man. I’m in Iraq, middle of the night. Outside. No tent. Pitch black, helicopter flying, and there’s a spotlight on me. [laughter] And I’m supposed to be funny. And I can hear… [imitates gunfire] [imitates rapid gunfire] [imitates crying] [laughter] And the crazy part is that I saw a sign that was very familiar. They have Subways in Iraq. I was, like, “Is that? What is that? Is that? “It’s Subway. Oh, my God! Yeah!” I got back to my room. They have the stupid commercial there too, in their language. Oh, my God, I almost lost it. Same one. Freaking… ♪ Hallel, hallel, hallel, hallel ♪ ♪ Hallel, hallel… ♪ [ululating] ♪ Hallel, hallel, hallel… ♪ [applause and laughter] “Oh, my God, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.” [laughter] It’s crazy, man. You know what was crazy, bro? When I was in Iraq, they wanted me to go to different bases, but they wouldn’t let me go because they have to provide you with a helmet and a bulletproof vest. And apparently, the military does not have a Big and Tall. [laughter] They put that 75-pound vest on me. It looked like a bulletproof bib. Like if somebody shoots my snack, I’m okay, you know? [imitates ricocheting] Oh, it stopped right here. I’m, like, “Oh, my God.” No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. No, man. We flew into Korea. That threw me off a little bit too. We go to check into the hotel, and it was kind of scary for me, because the phone had a big sticker on it that said, “Do not discuss classified information. Someone is always listening.” That’s freaky, ’cause I’m calling my girl back home, right? [imitates phone ringing, click] “Hello?” “Hey, baby.” “Oh, my God, where are you?” “I can’t tell you.” [laughter] “Oh, my God, I’m so worried.” “Don’t worry, baby. Everything’s cool.” “Oh, my God, I miss you so much. Where are you?” “I can’t tell you.” So I’m trying to give her clues, right? [hums Asian-themed tune] “Germany?” “What?” “I’m kidding.” “Oh, thank God, honey.” “I wish you were home.” “Why?” “If you were home right now, we’d be in the room.” “Really? What else?” “And we’d be laying on the bed.” “Check you out.” All of a sudden, I heard a voice that said… [male voice] “What else would you do?” [laughter] [man clears throat] “I’m sorry. Proceed. Proceed.” [imitates phone thumping on receiver] Blockers over there. But I enjoyed myself, you guys. I had a lot of fun. I made the reference to the police officers, and, you know, sometimes there’s problems everywhere. Cops used to mess with me a lot. That’s why I love getting recognized now. Now, they’re just, like, “Oh, it’s you.” I’m like…[sighs] [laughs] That wasn’t the case six years ago. I did a theater show just like this one in the city of San Antonio. As soon as the show was over, “San Antone, ¿que paso?” As soon as the show was over, you know, I’m hanging out in the lobby, taking pictures and stuff. And then we go outside, and I get stopped in front of the theater in front of my own poster. How sad is that? You know, freakin’… [siren chirps] “What are you doing?” “Uh, standing.” “You have any ID?” [whimpers] [laughter and applause and whooping] “Keep going.” “All right!” Oh! Now, uh-uh. Every chance I get to have fun with them, I will. Last time I got stopped, the cop came to the car all mean. “You know why I stopped you?” I looked at him with a straight face, and I said, ‘”Cause I’m black.” [laughter] “Ha, ha. Hell, yeah, man. What’s up, playa?” He turned the flashlight on, you guys. [laughter] “Get the hell out of here, stupid.” [laughter] “Yay. Yay.” [imitates engine revving] Oh, and by the way, thank you to whoever brought the chocolate cakes in the back. I got them right before the show. Thank you very much. [applause and cheering] Very cool. Mm-hmm, And somebody brought Chico’s Tacos too. I thought that was great. [applause and cheering] Mm-hmm. Now, you guys here know what I’m talking about, but everybody that’s watching at home, they’re, like, “Chico’s Tacos? What the hell’s that?” It’s an El Paso tradition. If you come to El Paso… [cheering, applause and whistling] Just know that that’s, you know, that’s right here. That’s, you know… That’s the tradition in El Paso. I ran into people in other places like Chicago or New York. I’m, like, “Where you from?” “El Paso,” and I said, “Chico’s Tacos,” and they’re like… [gasps] Like, wow. Yeah. That’s hardcore. It is the craziest food I’ve ever tried, you guys. Craziest ever. Reason is, you know, they give you these little taquitos, and there’s, like, a sauce, and you pour it. And, like, the taquitos float, and it absorbs and… I never thought I’d see the day where I could drink a taco. [laughter] Mm. Yeah. And you got to have that at the end of the night. Don’t try to freakin’ plan out events after going, you know. Don’t say, “Oh, we’re going to eat at Chico’s and then go to the movies.” No, don’t do that. Don’t do that. You’ll be sitting there, like, you know, “Hey, this is a good movie, huh? This is the one where Nicolas Cage comes out and…” [loud stomach grumbling] “Anyway, he plays the bad guy in this movie, and it turns out really good.” [stomach grumbling] Then all of a sudden… [puffing] [laughter] [rumbling] [high-pitched screech] [laughter and applause] [high-pitched screech] You’re running by people. [rumbling] They’re, like… [sniffing] “Chico’s.” [laughter and applause] Mm-hmm. An El Paso tradition. [applause, cheering and whistling] You know what’s funny? Is that a year from now, they’ll be people watching this all over the world. Just, like, the first DVDs in Canada, Australia and Europe. This DVD will wind up somewhere in Australia. And they’ll be people in Australia going, “What the hell’s Chico’s?” [laughter] “Crikey, we got to go. We got to see Chico’s.” You watch, man. There’ll be people freaking out. [British accent] “I say, we must go try Chico’s.” [laughter] “It sounds splendid.” “Yes, it does.” “Drink a taco. “I never thought I’d see the day. “I’m going to try it. El Paso it is.” Oh, man. But, no. I got Chico’s Tacos and cakes. [cheering] You know? One night at one show, I received 1 1 chocolate cakes. And it was local, so I took ’em home. And that is an argument that nobody in this building has ever had at 3:00 in the morning. ‘Cause you don’t just walk into the house with 1 1 cakes. You make some noise. You know. [imitates doors slamming open and footsteps] And I walk in with the last two cakes, and my girlfriend’s in the kitchen. And she’s, like, “What the hell is this?!” I’m trying to be cute. “It’s a bakery.” [laughter and applause] “Where did you get all this cake?” I said, “Baby, the people at the show brought it.” “Are you gonna eat all of it?” “Eventually. I’m not gonna do it in one hit, you know?” Freaking two hours later. “Clear!” [laughter] “How do you know someone isn’t trying to poison you?” “With cake? Are you serious?” It’s, like, you live by the cake, you die by the cake, you know? No. Uh-uh. So we’re going back and forth, right? We wake up Frankie, and Frankie walks into the kitchen at 3:00 in the morning, and he’s, all… [mumbling] “Where did all the cake come from?” “The people at the show brought it.” “Tell ’em I said thank you.” “I’ll tell ’em you said thank you, Frankie.” “Gabriel, how come they bring you cake?” ‘”Cause ten years ago, I did a joke where I said, ‘”I love chocolate cake.’ Now people bring me cake.” “You should say you love Transformers.” [laughter] I’ll start doing it, all right? So my girl’s, like, “Baby, put Frankie to bed.” I go, “Frankie, you got to go back to sleep.” [grunting] “Want some cake?” “Yeah.” So I grab one of these tiny cakes that somebody brought me. One of those little tiny ones that has the plastic cover and the sticker on the side. And I handed to him. I go, “Here.” He goes, “A little piece?” I go, “Dude, it’s a small cake. You can have the whole thing.” And the look that came over his face at 3:00 in the morning was like he got a gift from God. [laughter] I said, “Here,” and he was, like…. [humming reverential religious tune] [applause, cheering and laughter] [whistling and applause] “Take it to your room.” [singing in Latin] [laughter and applause] I went to go take him to school the next morning. He’s in the bathroom crying. [imitates sobbing] “Hey, are you okay?” “Oh, my stomach!” “Your stomach? Too much cake?” “Yeah.” “Was it good?” “Hell, yeah.” “I’ll see you in the car.” 20 minutes later, he comes to the car, and he’s all sweaty. [breathing heavily] “You all right? What happened?” “I blew it up.” “Get in the car.” [imitates engine revving] I get him to school 45 minutes late. Usually, when I drop him off, you guys, I leave him on the side of the school, and they have, like, a drop-off zone with cones and a supervisor to make sure that your kid gets off safely. When you’re 45 minutes late, there’s nobody there, so I left him in front of the school. And apparently, that’s a no-no. You’re not supposed to do that. I didn’t know, you know? [engine purring, tires squeal] “Go for it.” “I’m not supposed to…” “I know, dude. Just go. You’re late. Go.” [grunting] [door closes, squeaking] Out of nowhere, here comes the principal. And I know it’s the principal, ’cause he’s, like, “It’s the principal! It’s the principal! It’s the principal! It’s the principal!” “Dude, relax. I’m 30. I don’t give a damn.” Here comes the principal. “Sir? Sir, this is not the designated drop-off area. “Please take your child to the other side of the school. You cannot leave him here.” I was, like… [whispering] “Watch this.” Senora… [speaking Spanish] [laughter] [applause, cheering and laughter] “That’s how you do it, homeboy. That’s how you do it.” That principal was amazing, ’cause she was, like, “Usted no puede dejar su hijo aqui. “Saca la huelta a la otro lado de Ia escueIa. “Aya, si, si, aqui, no, no. “Aya, si, si, aqui, no, no. Yo no soy pendeja.” [applause, cheering and laughter] Did that really happen? Yes. Mm-hmm. I felt so bad ’cause when I picked up Frankie, he’s like, “The principal yelled at me.” I’m like, “I’m sorry.” “I’m gonna tell my mom.” “No. It’s all right, dude.” We’re having a good time right now with his mom. And it sucks, you guys, ’cause we got into a fight that weekend. Eh… it was not too big, but it was, like, it was— it could have been prevented. My girlfriend’s backing the car up out of the driveway, and somebody had left, like, this— I guess they were moving, and they left this big box behind the car, and my girlfriend’s backing up, and I go, “Baby, baby, there’s a box.” “I got it.” [crashing sound] [laughter] Even Frankie was like, “Mom, he told you there was a box right there.” “Shut up!” So we get inside the house, and I looked at her and I said, “What the hell is your problem?” And sure enough, Frankie walks up. [whimpering “You guys are going to fight.” I’m like, “Oh, shoot— no, no, no, I’m sorry, Frankie. We’re not fighting.” “You’re yelling at my mom.” “No, no, no, no, no, I love your mom. She just didn’t hear me.” “You’re not mad at her?” “No, I’m not mad at your mom. “Baby, I love you, I love you. See, I love your mom— I love you.” [kissing] “I love your mom; everything’s cool. “You want to go play some video games or something? Come on, I’ll go play with you.” “Okay.” “Okay, come on. I’m not mad at your mom, dude, come on, let’s go. Say bye to your mom.” “Bye, Mom.” “Come on, let’s go, come on, we’re cool. I’m not mad at her; come on, let’s go.” [mouthing] “Come on, let’s go.” See, some of you are laughing, some are like, “Did— can he really say that?” [laughing] I snuck it in there, huh? [sighs] No, no fighting. But I had to make up the fact that I yelled at Frankie. I go, “Frankie, whatever you want to do, let’s do it.” “Gabriel, can we go to an arcade?” “Arcade? Dude, you have a Nintendo Wii at your house.” And then I had a flashback to 20 years ago. [in shrill voice] “¿Que, que? Arcade? “Cabron, tu tienes un Nintendo en la casa. You have a Nintendo at home.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, I’m turning into my mom. Come on, dude, let’s go.” [imitates engine] I take him to this big old freaking arcade, right? And I felt so out of it because I didn’t know you couldn’t put money in the machines anymore. I’m— Man, I remember quarters. I’m thinking, “Here, five bucks,” and he’s, like, looking at me like, “Hmm?” “What? Go play,” and he’s like— he came right back. “All done.” I’m like, “Dude.” I didn’t know this. You have to go to another machine, put in money, and then it gives you a card, and then you swipe that card to play video games. And the game he wants to play doesn’t cost a quarter. It costs three dollars. A game. Big old machine called Dance Dance Revolution. [light cheering] Some of you know this game? Yeah, maybe, sort of. For those of you that don’t know the game, it’s pretty simple. It’s a dancing game, and there’s a big screen and then arrows come out to music, and whatever arrow comes out, that’s the arrow you have to step on when it comes out. Kind of cool, but all the music is techno and it’s loud. I know I’m getting older ’cause I’m like, “They got to turn that down.” [as male announcer] “Dance Dance Revolution Revolution. Get ready.” And the kids are like, “I’m ready.” “Select music.” [beatboxing techno] [light cheering] And that’s what they dance to. “Ready, go!” [beatboxing techno] [audience cheering] “Perfect.” And the kid’s like, “Whoo!” And I’m like… [panting] I love this game, but they need to have something that’s more fluffy-friendly, so that fluffy people and parents can hang and enjoy. We’re watching this game for over an hour. I told Frankie, “Let’s go play another game and then we’ll come back when the line goes down.” “The line never goes down.” Great. So I’m watching kid after kid after kid. You know, like, “Serious? How much is it?” “It’s three dollars a dance.” “Three dollars a dance?” And then I thought about it. Well, I paid $20 two nights ago, so… I guess three dollars isn’t that bad. [laughs] Now that I think about it. Some of you are clapping, some are like, “I don’t get it.” Yeah, whatever, anyway. So kid after kid. Then I found something out. You can always spot that one kid who you just know is going to grow up to be a little bit more… creative… than others by the way he plays the game. And all the other little kids— they know something’s up. They’re like, “You got to watch. “When Benji plays, you got to watch. Watch.” Sure enough, here comes Benji, right? “Dance Dance Revolution. Get ready.” [in effeminate voice] “I’m so ready.” I’m like, “Whoa… oh, it’s on.” “Select music.” [beatboxing techno] “Ready, go!” This dude took off. [beatboxing techno] [audience cheering] “Perfect.” “I know.” I’m like, “Wow.” Frankie’s like, “I’m next.” I go, “You can’t follow that. “You better come over here and play some Street Fighter, man. “Let me show you how to throw a fireball. Get your butt over here.” Oh, my God. I had to make it up to him another way. I had to take him… to Disneyland. I stopped going to Disneyland a long time ago. Because you know what? Those roller coasters are not fluffy-friendly. Disney cares. That’s why there’s safety there. You know, they have all those different harnesses. And if you’re over 300 pounds, just stay in the parking lot. You know, ’cause they got the whole, you know… [clicking] You’re fluffy, forget it. That’s why I love a ghetto-ass carnival. You know, those ones they build in, like, six hours? I can still ride those roller coasters. It’s only one bar, three clicks, that’s it. If it locks, good. If it doesn’t, “Hold on!” [hissing, clicking] Plus, fluffy people never fall. We never fall. You know who falls? The skinny guy that got stuck next to us. [laughter] That’s who… [screams] More room. [laughs] But me and Disney, no. No mas. But I had to because I messed up. I fell asleep on the couch, and I woke up all, you know… [groaning] …and Frankie was watching TV. He goes, “Look, Gabriel, look, Disneyland.” And I was like, “Dude, what’s the big deal, okay? “It’s Disneyland. What, you’ve never gone?” all: Aw… – “My dad never took me.” Oh, mother… Next morning… [whirring] [brakes screeching] [hissing] “Welcome to the magical world of Disney.” We walk in the park; he’s all happy. [laughs] We get into the middle of the park, and he’s so funny. He starts getting winded. I thought it was hysterical because up until then, I only saw myself get like that, you know. [panting] So to see a little ten-year-old version… [high-pitched panting] [shrieks] [laughing] Hysterical. I was dying. I go, “Frankie, you want to take a break?” “Mm-hmm, Gabriel, this park is big.” I’m like, “See? “It’s not a small world after all. Like, whatever, dude, sit down.” So we’re sitting down, waiting. All of a sudden, I start getting recognized at Disneyland, and that, for me, was cool. You know, people were walking by. [indistinct whispering] “Fluffy, can we take a picture?” “Sure.” [whooshing] And then… more people. “It’s him.” “It’s that guy.” “Pikachu.” Now I have, like, ten people around me like I’m a new character at the park. Best part is Frankie starts getting annoyed. He’s like… [groaning] “Why don’t they leave you alone?” “Frankie, these are the people that come to the shows. They’re the reason why you have a PlayStation.” [exhaling] [as Frankie] “Thank you.” “Here, now, start taking the pictures.” [laughs] So I told Frankie, “Frankie, what ride are you going to get on?” “Ride?” “Yeah. What ride do you want to get on?” “I don’t want to get on a ride.” “What the hell are we doing at Disneyland?” “The commercial said that Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth.” “Oh, my God. “That’s IHOP. The hell are we doing here?” We’re hanging out at IHOP, and, you know, we started talking, and it was kind of like a little bonding moment because Frankie— his dad isn’t in the picture and my dad wasn’t in the picture, so for some reason, you know, we got a little connection going on and it’s pretty cool. Frankie told me something, and it got me right here. He goes— you know, I’m talking to him. I said, “Frankie,” I says, “do you ever want to, you know, talk or see your real dad?” And he goes, “You are my real dad.” I was like, “Oh…” And then he followed it up with this— “I want my last name to be Iglesias.” [grunting] And then his mom walked in. “Me too.” They work together, they work together. I knew it. It’s a tag team. [murmuring] Whatever. Eh, another time, I took ’em to IHOP, you guys— too funny. We walk in there, we got my buddy Noah. We went to go eat, tore it up, walked out into the parking lot, and discovered that my car had been stolen. [audience groaning] Yeah, uh-huh. I was full too. I’m like… [groans] “We got to walk.” My buddy Noah— he’s trying to be helpful. He’s like, “Gabriel, don’t you have OnStar?” I’m like, “Yeah, but it’s in the car, stupid.” “Well, can’t you call the 800 number? Maybe they can track your car.” I’m like, “Oh, shoot, Noah, you’re a genius.” So I pull out my cell phone and my freaking, you know, OnStar card, and I call ’em up. [phone rings] [in mechanical female voice] “OnStar. “For OnStar service, press one. “Para servicio en espanol, oprima el numero dos. To report a lost or stolen vehicle, press three.” [beeps] “One moment.” [imitating Chuck Mangione’s “Feels So Good” trumpet solo ] [line rings] “Thank you for choosing OnStar. “This is Kim speaking. How can I help you?” “Kim, they just stole my car from IHOP.” “I’m very sorry, sir. Can I get your OnStar number?” “Actually, Kim, I can’t read the card. “It’s kind of chewed up. “Uh, can I give you, like, a credit card or Social Security or something?” “Sir, just give me your name.” “Okay, my name is Gabriel Iglesias.” “Oka—” “Hello? “Kim? Kim?” “Do you spell that with an “I”?” [cheering, applause] [mimics thud] [mimics ringing] [in female voice] OnStar. For OnStar service press one. Para servicio en Espanol oprima el numero dos. Un momento. Por favor. [laughter] [applause, cheering, whistling] [imitates trumpet playing “Mexican Hat Dance”] [trumpeting continues] [mimics ringing] “I speak Spanish too, motherfucker!” [laughter, applause] I love you, El Paso. Muchas gracias. Thank you so much. [“Mi Gente” by Kumbia Kings playing] Thank you. [cheering, applause] ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, con toda mi gente ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, por que no me entienden ♪ ♪ Si yo, trabajo de sol a sol ♪ ♪ Si ser honesto es mi religion ♪ ♪ Yo no necesito que me digan ♪ ♪ Que es lo que puedo hacer, no no que no ♪ ♪ Si yo vine de lejos a esta tierra ♪ ♪ Fue por que havia escuchado Ia promesa ♪ ♪ Que aqui yo encontraria la manera ♪ ♪ Para poder vivir mejor ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, con toda mi gente ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, por que no me entienden ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio, lloro ♪ ♪ Callo, grito, con toda mi gente ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio, lloro ♪ ♪ Callo, grito, por que no me entienden ♪ ♪ Yo quiero que entiendan que en mi tambien corre el sudor ♪ ♪ Que yo quiero a mi tierra ♪ ♪ Que ami tambien me dueIe lo mismo que austed… ♪ | [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ – What’s up, El Paso? [crowd cheering] Thank you guys, very very much. Oh, my God. Ah, I got chills. Lookit. Lookit. Lookit. Lookit. [laughs] Thank you very much. Thank you. Whoo. I missed you too. Sientate, tio; sientate. Oh, my God. Somebody saw me running. Correle, gordo. Correle, correle. Yeah, I know, friggin’… [exhales] [laughs] Oh, my God, you guys. I know a lot of you are like, “What took you so long to come back to El Paso?” [crowd cheering] I don’t have a good excuse, but I hope this makes up for it. [crowd cheering] Man, I have some history in this town. Been coming here since July of 1 997. [crowd hooting] Yeah. Used to perform on the west side of town over at Bart Reed’s Comic Strip. [crowd cheering] I was here on my 21st birthday. I’ll never forget. Never forget it. And that’s the last time I drank in El Paso. Uh-huh. You guys don’t mess around. It was my birthday. I’m hanging out at the club, and they’re like, “It’s your birthday.” I’m like, “It’s my birthday.” “You want a drink?” “Sure.” So I started drinking and drinking and drinking. And then the staff was like, “Do you want to party?” I was like… [slurring] “I wanna party.” “You want to dance?” “I wanna dance.” I passed out, and I woke up at someplace called the O.P. [laughter and cheers] Now, see, you guys are clapping and you’re laughing because you know. [laughter] I didn’t know it was an “alternative” night club. I’m from L.A. I thought O.P. stood for “Orale Pues”. [laughter] And that is a messed up way to sober up, you know. I’m at the club. I’m dancing, you know. [beat-boxing] Hey. [beat-boxing] Hey! [laughter and applause] There was a little guy behind me going, “Pikachu.” He was like, “Yo tambien soy Pokemon.” No. Uh-uh. But it was kind of crazy. I was getting checked out by guys. I was like, “Oh, my God.” And I know they were checking me out, ’cause they were looking at me like I look at tacos. But then I thought about it. “Oh, my God, I just turned on a man. Shoot.” Man, I called my girlfriend. I said, “You better not mess up. I have options.” Uh-huh. I have memory. A few years back, I was doing a show at the Comic Strip, and my idol, Mr. Paul Rodriguez, was in town doing a benefit. He calls up the Comic Strip, and he says, he says, “Hey, listen, I’m doing a benefit up the street. “Y sabes que, vato? “I’m gonna come down there, and I want to do some shots. Some tequila, some tacos.” I’m like, “Let’s do it.” He shows up to the club, and he says, “All right, get in the car. Let’s go.” “Where are we going?” “We’re going to Juarez.” “Juarez? Let’s eat some tacos here.” “I can’t afford you here. Let’s go to the other side.” [makes engine noise] So we wind up on the other side, and we wound up killing some tacos, and, you know, we wound up crossing the border. And when we crossed the border, it was a few months after I taped a bunch of water commercials here. You guys remember the water commercials? Yeah, and then they pulled me off the advertising because they said I was too fat to sell water. Whatever. So we’re crossing the border, and Immigration was right there, and they’re checking the cars, and we’re in a blue van. My buddy Jim, who’s sitting over there, was driving, and Border Patrol comes over to the window, and he goes— he opens the door and he sees me. He goes, “Oh, my God. It’s you. You’re hysterical. And I go, “What do you think of this guy?” And Paul was like, “Hey, what’s up?” And the guy was like, “Oh, my God.” So we wound up taking pictures at the border. And it was so funny, ’cause we’re outside the car, and we’re pretending to be arrested, right? People are driving by going, “Let Paul Rodriguez and Pikachu go!” They’re American! Let ’em go!” [laughing] It was priceless. We crossed the border, and Paul was like, “I want to go hang out and have a good time.” He went to this place off the 1 0 called Jaguars. [crowd cheers] It’s a “male,” you know, gentleman’s club, whatever you want to call it. So we go in there, and I’m like, “Oh, my God.” As soon as we walked in, I’m like— I’m thinking Paul’s gonna be all like, “Shh, I don’t want nobody to know I’m here.” Goes over to the DJ, and the DJ’s like, “All right, ladies, look who just walked in: Paul Rodriguez!” All of a sudden, there’s, like, 32 lap dances that stop like that. And all these girls, they bum-rush Paul. And I’m like, “Wow, I got to get funnier.” So we’re hanging out there for a couple of hours. So we wind up outside in the parking lot, And this girl jumped into the car, and she’s like, “Oh, my God, Paul Rodriguez. “I love you. My mama’s a huge fan too. Here. Please, please, please.” And he, “Whatever, whatever, okay, come here, come here.” “Here, please, talk to her on the phone.” “Ora.” He looks at me in the front seat, and he goes, “Hey, tu, Iglesias. Here, be me.” He put me on the phone with the girl’s mom. I’m like, “Hey, senora. How you doing? “Yeah, you know, uh… “your daughter, she’s a real angel. Yeah. That’s what they call her here.” [audience laughing] Yeah, man, I love Paul. Like I said, Paul’s the… you know, one of the main reasons why I got into comedy. And he used to mess with me a lot; trust me. In my last special, I talked about how I had a Volkswagen Beetle. It was a true story. I really had a Beetle. And I got rid of it because I got tired of the fat jokes. When you’re a fluffy guy and you have a little car and all of your friends are professional comedians… oh, they’ll make you cry. Paul, especially. “How the hell did you manage to squeeze inside of that? “Hombre, I have never seen a car expand before “while someone was inside of it. “How do you get a stretch mark on the windshield? “That’s what I want to know. When you fart, does it go faster?” One after another after another. I’m like, “Oh, my God.” And you know what it is? It’s Karma. ‘Cause ten years ago, I did a joke about Paul Rodriguez on TV. I used to be on a show on the Nickelodeon Network called AII That. Some of you remember? Yeah? That was me, a lot smaller. I was only two X’s. I was a dos equis. Yeah. Anyway, as soon as the TV show season was over, they gave all the cast members gifts. They gave this one girl a TV, this one kid a DVD collection. Since I was the only one who had his own car, they gave me a car alarm with a remote start to it. A lot of cars have those now, but think back ten years ago. There was only a few that had the… [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] My friends went, “Where’d you get that?” I looked at them, and I said… “Nickelodeon!” “That’s bad!” I go to show it off to everybody. I show it to my mom, I said, “Mom, go to the car. I got to use the bathroom. I left you a present.” [gasps] “Un present, okay!” So she goes to the car, and I started the car from the kitchen. [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] ” El diablo! El diablo! El diablo!” I had to run outside. “Mom, it’s not the devil. Lookit, lookit, lookit.” [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] “Nickelodeon!” “Oh, my God, mijo. Oh, my God, you scared me.” Me sacastes un pedo, mijo. “Oh, my God, mira. Smell, smell, smell. Smell, mijo, smell. ” I wind up doing a show in Hollywood at a comedy club, and I’m working with my idol, with Paul Rodriguez. Soon as the show was over, we go—you know, we’re walking out the door, and he walks up to me and he says, “You know, I like the whole fluffy thing you do. “It’s catchy. Sounds cute. Keep eating.” We walk outside, and my car is parked there first because I showed up late. So I’m—you know, my car’s right there and Paul walks by. “All right, take it easy.” He walks right in front of my car. And my friend goes, “Dude, show him your car. Show him Nickelodeon.” And I couldn’t help it, you know, freakin’… [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] “Hey! Hijole!” What the hell? What is this?” “Paul!” “Nickelodeon!” “Hombre, cabron pinche, Fluffy, you gave me a heart attack. You take it easy.” Valet brings his car around, a brand-new Porsche 91 1. The car was nice. You know, it pulls up. [imitates roaring engine] Valet gives him the keys. He turns around and looks at me. “Hey, tu, Fluffy. Check it out.” I’m like, “Whatever. It’s not Nickelodeon.” [imitates car alarm beeping] The door pops open. [imitates whirring, beeping] Trunk. [imitates whirring] “I’m not through yet.” [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] [imitates engine revving] [imitates car horn playing “La Cucaracha”] [imitates beeping] “HBO.” [laughing and cheering] A lot has changed, El Paso. A lot has changed. One thing’s for sure; I’m still the fluffy guy. [cheering] And I say “fluffy” ’cause that is the politically correct term. For those of you that don’t remember, I used to say that there were five levels of fatness. Reason why I say “used to say” is because now there are six. Uh-huh. I met the new one in Las Cruces. The original five levels are big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn! People ask, “What could be bigger than damn?” The new level’s called, “Oh, hell, no!” [laughter, applause] What’s the difference? You’re still willing to work with level five. Example: If you’re on an elevator and you’re with your friend, and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other, and you’re like, “Damn!” But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That’s the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator. [deep grunting] “Oh, hell, no!” [rumbling] “No!” [rumbling] “No! No!” That’s the difference. The guy that I met was 6″8′, 614 pounds. [audience gasping] Uh-huh, “Aw, hell, no.” And he was offended at my show, not by anything that I said but because of the fact that now, at the shows, I started selling T-shirts, and, apparently, I didn’t have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to 5X on the T-shirts, and he was like… [in deep, raspy voice] “You don’t have my size.” I was like, “Dude, I didn’t know they made you.” [laughter] I have up to 5X, I don’t have [growls] “X” with a picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know. No. And by the way, you guys, I want to let you know now here in this theater and all over the world, wherever anybody’s watching this special, if you ever see me in public, either at a restaurant or at a hotel or anywhere, and you want to stop me and say hello or take a picture or anything, please. I welcome it and it’s an honor if you were to do that. I do not mind at all. [cheering and applause] Stop me anytime you want. I’m the same person. The same guy. Thank you. Seriously, the same guy you see now is the same guy you’d see outside. I don’t change, you know. You’re not gonna walk up and go, “Gabriel, can I talk to you?” I’m not going to be like, “Be gone from me. “Gabriel is my stage name. I’m not even Mexican; I’m Scandinavian.” No, trust me, I’m the same pendejo you’ll see outside. I don’t mind. I love it, you guys, trust me. You guys make it possible for me to have an incredible life and take care of my family, so I’m all for it. Not a problem. Trust me, right now it’s so crazy ’cause I’m still adjusting to people walking up to me. I’m checking into the hotel, and they already knew me, which was crazy. I go like, “Uh, hi, I’m checking in.” “Here’s your key, sir.” “But, um, um…” “We know it’s you, sir.” I’m like, “Ah!” [laughs] You know, I think that’s awesome. I needed that, like, six years ago. One time, I was trying to check into a hotel in Chicago at 1:00 in the morning because I missed my flight. Nobody’s at the front desk, just the little bell and a sign that said “Ring for service.” So there I am. Ching. Ching, ching. Ching. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Ching, ching. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. All of a sudden, I heard this. “I hear the bell.” All of a sudden, this lady came out. [exhales] “Are you the one ringing that damn bell? What the hell you want?” “Um, I’m checking in.” “You know what time it is? It’s tomorrow.” “I know, I missed my flight.” “Mm-hmm, whatever you say.” [exhales] “What’s going on out there?” “Girl, you got to see this. “I got a big-ass Mexican showing up late as hell. Okay.” [imitates typing] “What’s your name?” “My name is Gabriel Iglesias.” ‘”E’-glesias?” “Yes, Iglesias.” “Okay, ‘E’-glesias, okay, E-G-L-I…” “No, no, no, no, it’s Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ “With an ‘I’? “But you said ‘E’…glesias. “You didn’t say ‘I’-glesias. You said ‘E’…glesias.” “It’s Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ “Mm-hmm, whatever you say. It’s your damn name. “Okay? Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ [exhales] “You know, that’s bad for you.” “Oh, this right here? My grandmamma lived to be 1 00 years old.” “Smoking?” “Minding her own damn business. Okay? “Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.’ “Okay, I found you in the system. I got you for two nights, full-size bed, non-smoking.” “I requested a queen-size bed.” “And you would have got a queen “if you’d have been here yesterday, “but it’s tomorrow and you’re lucky I’m talking to you, “Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.’ What’s the ‘I’ stand for— ‘I need a bigger bed’?” “What’s going on out there?” “Girl, you got to see this. Nacho Libre is trippin’.” “Whatever. Give me a hard time.” A lot has changed, though, man. For those of you that don’t know by now, I finally became a dad. [cheering and applause] Yeah. Thank you. Hell, yeah. He’s ten. [laughing] Surprised me too. Yeah, they found me. And it’s not what you think. I didn’t discover that I had a lost child. It’s just that I hooked up with a beautiful woman who had a pre-started family, so basically I became a stepfather. You know, I just took over the payments. Best part for me is that my new son looks exactly like me. He’s fluffy too. [cheering and applause] Ten years old, 1 62 pounds. Yeah, he’s a little— damn. [laughter] And he’s the cutest kid. You talk to him— his name is Frankie— like, “Frankie, what do you like to do?” “I like microwave burritos and PlayStation.” “Me too.” Only problem is he wakes up early, 5:00 every morning. [knocking] [in squeaky voice] “Gabriel.” “What?” “I’m hungry.” “Me too. Make something.” And he does. I can hear him in the kitchen making Hot Pockets, you know, freaking— [beeping] [whirring] [beeps] And he opens the door and doesn’t close it, and the whole house freaking— [sniffs] [moans, laughs] ♪ Hot Pocket ♪ Delicious, oh. Oh, my God, and he’s so cute because right now he’s going through puberty, and I think it’s hysterical. His mom doesn’t think so. She’s like, “No.” I go, “Yeah, I caught him checking out a girl.” “How do you know?” “I was looking at her too.” She was hot! And I told my girl, I said, “Baby, don’t worry. “If he has any questions, I’ll be the man. I’ll take care of it.” ‘Cause I went through puberty at ten. And she’s like, “Oh, thank you.” I said, “Don’t worry, I took care of it. “You know, hey, I went through puberty at ten. I understand.” Plus, I had cable, so it was hardcore, you know. You know, what’s the difference now is that now you can program channels not to work. You couldn’t do that 20 years ago. You couldn’t block a kid unless you stayed up. My mom knocked out at 1 0:00, and right around 1 1:45… “The following program has not been rated “by the Motion Picture Association of America. “Due to its graphic sexual content, viewer discretion is advised.” [shrieks] I was ten years old; I lost my mind. I’m sitting on that couch; all of a sudden… [beatboxing sultry music] [in deep, sexy voice] “Are you ready? Uh-huh, oh, yeah.” [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” “Oh, yeah.” “Yeah.” “Are you ready?” “I’m done.” And you know what’s crazy is, I know it’s happening at my house now ’cause one night I heard… [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” [laughs] “What’s he doing?” “Becoming a man.” And I was curious. I’m like, “I wonder what he’s watching,” so I started flipping through my channels, trying to find something that would “spark interest.” Sure enough, he’s watching Cinemax. Uh-huh, and I know that’s what he’s watching. That guy’s clapping— hell, yeah. [laughs] Cochino— yeah, I know. I know that’s what he’s watching because out of my TV, I’m getting direct sound, and then I’m getting, like, a little delayed echo down the hall. You know, so it’s like… [moaning] [distant moan] [in deep, sexy voice] “Yeah.” [distantly] “Yeah.” [moaning echoes] [in man’s voice] “Yeah.” [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” I saw him the next morning. I said, “What were you doing last night?” “I was playing Nintendo.” “Yeah, whatever. You were playing ‘whee’.” And now he’s like… [sighs] Uh-huh, whatever, dude. Anyway, I know I’m sweating up here. The whole front row— you guys are like, “It smells like carnitas. He smells delicious.” Oh, big guys, I don’t know what it is. When we get hot, we smell like food. We should have our own cologne, huh? “From the makers of Tres Leches…” [spraying] “What’s that smell?” “Taco.” I’m a dork, I know. People ask me about the voices all the time. They’re like, “Do you do that just on stage, or do you do that in public too?” Like, no, of course I do the voices in public. I have to make myself laugh. You know, I like doing the voices in places where people can’t see me. Like drive-throughs. Oh, I’m evil at a drive-through, man, except the one by my house ’cause they know me. I mean, they really know me. I could show up at 2:00 in the morning or 2:00 in the afternoon, you know. [whirring, brakes screeching] “Welcome to McDonald’s. How can I help you?” “Yeah, let me have…” “Pull up.” [laughter] “I didn’t order.” “Gabriel, pull up.” [cheering] Whatever. Other places I’ve had fun—IHOP. Look at some of you— “IHOP? ” Yeah, let me explain this one. Next time you go to an IHOP, look for the podium. Usually on the weekends, they’ll have the podium set up right at the front door, and when you walk in, they’ll have a host and they’ll ask you, “How many in your party?” And you tell them two, three, four, whatever the case, and then when it’s time for your seats, they’ll call you with the little freaking— you know, they got the microphone on the side of the wall, and they’ll go, “Paging party of four, paging party of four, now serving.” When that party walked away, I grabbed her microphone and I said, “Paging Mexican party of 47, Mexican party of 47, now serving.” And the whole restaurant was like… All the guys in the kitchen. ” Orale guey!” Hell, yeah. I love IHOP. I go too much, you guys. I was at an IHOP one time during an earthquake. Wasn’t a big one. It was enough to feel it, but not freak out, you know. I live in California, so we get ’em a lot. But if you’re not used to that, you’re all… [screaming] “Earthquake!” You know, and I’m sitting there. I just rode it out, you know. [laughter, applause] [laughter, cheering, whistling] [sighs] Freaking earthquakes, man. You gotta choose which one you want, you know. Do you want earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes, fires, floods? I live in California. I’ll take the earthquakes. You could sleep through ’em. You know, and then whenever they happen, you never believe it’s an earthquake. You’re like, “Is that an earthquake or a big truck?” Seriously, you’ll be like… [groaning] [mimicking truck horn] [screams] [laughing] Smell, smell, smell, smell. [laughing] [sighs] But, seriously, you can go to work and people are talking about how they were sleeping, you know. “Did you feel that tremor last night?” [yawning] You can’t sleep through a tornado or a hurricane. And I said that down South, and people were like, “Yeah, you can.” I said, “Not if it hits your house.” I’ve never seen that interview, you know. “Sir, what happened to your home?” [in Southern accent] “I don’t know what happened. “See, I woke up this morning, “and that son of a bitch was flipped over. “It’s the darnedest thing. “You know, I got a truck in the tree, “my dog is down the street, I can’t find my wife, “but that’s for a whole nother reason altogether. I was asleep.” “Sir, you were asleep?” “Damn right, I was asleep. “I got me one of them Tempur-Pedics over there. “Get ‘er done. That’s what I’m saying right there.” [cheering, applause] Whoo! [whistling] I love that impression, you guys. I love doing that. Every time I do it, somebody’s like, “Hey, that’s the redneck cable guy.” Mexicans, be careful. ‘Cause we have rednecks too. We do. And they sound exactly like the white ones. You guys are real quiet, huh? You don’t believe me? Watch this. White redneck: “I tell you what.” Mexican redneck: “Sabes que, guey.” [laughter, applause, cheering] [whistling] Uh-huh. White redneck: [imitating banjo] Mexican redneck— we put words and moves to that. ♪ Bailemos con el tuca ♪ ♪ Bailemos con el nazo ♪ ♪ Bailemos con el tuca tuca tuca tuca ♪ [cheering, whistling, applause] [cheers] Same guy. So be careful, man. [sighs] I had to take it easy with the voices once I got with my girlfriend. She, uh—she used to think it was cute, but then, you know, I scared her. One night we’re in the room, and she’s like, “Ooh, what are you gonna do to me?” And I was like, [in shrill voice] “You’re gonna get it!” [mimicking thumps] “Stop doing that!” [mimicking demonic laugh] Yeah. We used to role play. We used to play White House. Oh, that was so much fun back in the day. I’d wake her up at 3:00 in the morning. She’s like, “Who is it?” I was like… [mimicking Bill Clinton] “You know who it is.” [laughter, cheering, applause] “Ay, Senor, I don’t speak English.” [mimicking Bill Clinton] Hell, yeah. [laughter] That’s about as political as I get now, you guys. You know, things change. People ask me, “Do you get political?” I’m like, “No, not really,” you know. “What’s your take on Barack?” I’m like, “Well, he’s, you know, “he’s a lot smarter than the last one. That’s for sure.” I love his ass, man. [cheering, applause, whistling] Some people didn’t want Barack in office only because he was black. And I’m, like, how retarded— come on, you guys. You know, he’s Barack. He’s not Snoop Dogg. You know, it’s not like he’s going to come out, “Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.” [beatboxing “Hail To The Chief”] ♪ Here we go again… ♪ [beatboxing continues] “Mr. President, Mr. President.” [mimicking Lil Wayne] Yeah-ya? No. Anyways, that’s as far as I’ll go with that. “He said he wasn’t gonna get political.” Yeah, I know. Gotta change that up, you guys. A lot of things are changing. A lot. Got the relationship now. It’s going good. I love my girlfriend. She’s here in the house tonight too. [cheering, applause] It’s awesome. We rarely fight. And I think that’s so freaking cool. And I know why. It’s because I do this for a living. Uh-huh, and she knows whatever we argue about will eventually end up right here. [laughter] It slows her down. You ought to see her. “You know what I think?” “Go ahead, say it, say it.” Uh-huh. Yeah. The only problem I have with my girl sometimes are her friends. I don’t like her friends, ’cause they’re haters. [scattered cheering] They are. Look, the guy’s clapping. Yeah, I know, man. It sucks. Every time I leave the house, and I go out of town for the weekend, they show up, and they start throwing little monkey wrenches in there, you know. [in female voice] “So he’s not here? “Where is he? How come you’re not with him? “What’s the story? What’s the deal? “How long have you been together now? “You’re not engaged? You’re not married? “What’s up? Is he gonna adopt Frankie? “What’s the word? What’s going on? “How come you don’t have a ring? “Norma has a ring and she’s a puta. How come you don’t have a ring?” [laughter, applause] So I’ll get these messed-up phone calls at, like, 2:00 in the morning when I’m the road, right. [mimics phone ringing] “Hello.” [mimics crying] “Baby?” “Yeah?” “Are you okay?” “Mm-hmm.” “What are you doing?” “Nothing. “I’m just here at the house, watching Cheaters. ” “Great.” Oh, wow, did you see that? I almost fell. Ooh! If I fall now, show’s over. [mumbling] Oh, my God. Yeah, there’ll be people outside. “We’re standing here live in front of the Plaza Theatre. “Where authorities believe Fluffy lost control. “Seven people were reported injured, “three were rushed to the hospital. “Authorities had this to say, ‘Damn!”‘ [cheering, applause, whistling] Whoo! Thank you. They’d be interviewing people. “Ma’am, what happened?” “It got dark.” “Sir, what did you see?” [mimics roaring, thud] “Se cayo Pikachu.” Yeah, l know. “He fell.” Uh-huh. But, no, anyways, let me finish to tell you what happened. So my girl started tripping out, and I start getting these weird phone calls. Finally, I got tired of it. I said, “You know what? I don’t need this. “You know, I don’t need it. “From now on when I take off on the road, no more phone calls.” – Yeah! – Look at that guy. “Yeah!” Are you here by yourself? [laughter] Uh-huh. Whatever, dude. [applause, cheering] Anyway… Here’s the thing: I took my girl to the Apple store. And I got her an iPhone. I got myself one and I said, “From now on, we’re texting each other.” And believe it or not, she was cool with that, because anytime she would send me a text, I would reply like that. I could be anywhere. Freaking in the bathroom. Freaking… [mimics ding] “What are you doing?” [laughs] “I’m blowing it up! I love you.” Send. And she’d reply, “Oh, my God, me too. I love you!” It sounds so stupid, but it was working out perfectly until one night I got drunk. [audience oohs] Oh, you want to hear this? all: Yeah! – You want to hear this? all: Yeah! – So check this out. I’m leaving a comedy club in San Jose, California. And I’m walking back to my hotel room, which is one block away. As I’m walking, I pass in front of this bar on the corner called Cinebar. It’s got all kinds of cinema and movie memorabilia in there. Looks cool; I’m walking in front, and there are people in that bar that just left my show. So I walk in front, and I heard, “Fluffy! Hey, let me buy you a shot!” I was like, “Well, you know, I don’t want to be rude.” [laughter] Can’t have that, right? So I walked in. I said, “What’s—you know, I’m on way back to my room. I’ll just do a couple shots, whatever.” So you know, one shot and then somebody, “Me too.” “All right, me too. Vamonos. Let’s do it.” “Me three.” “Me four.” 1 5 shots of tequila later… [audience oohs] [whistling, cheering] It occurs to me, “I think I should go.” I start walking towards the door. I took three steps, the cold air hit me. I got dizzy and I fell. Hard. I know I fell hard, ’cause when I hit the ground I farted. [laughter] [mimics fart] “Oh, my God, I farted!” My buddy Martin ran over, and he helped me up off the ground. “You okay, Gabriel?” [mumbling] We stumbled back to the hotel room, I sit down in the lobby, and I’m just like… [exhaling] “Are you okay, Gabriel?” “I’m okay, man. Where’s my phone? I gotta let my girl know I’m okay.” “You’re holding it.” “Oh, thank you, Martin. I love you. “I love you. You’re a good friend, man. You’re a good friend.” He goes, “What are you doing?” “I’m gonna text.” “Dude, just call her.” “No! “If I call her, she’s gonna know something’s up. “I’m gonna text her. Watch. “Baby, I made it back to the hotel. “I love you. Kissy-face.” Send. [mimics ding] “How did it go?” [laughing] “I farted! “I shouldn’t tell her that, huh, Martin? “Okay. It went good.” [mimics ding] Send. “What did you do after your show?” “Oh, here we go.” My buddy Martin is like, “Gabriel, man, Gabriel, don’t tell her— “don’t tell her you were at a bar getting drunk, man. Don’t tell her.” “Martin, I have to tell her the truth, bro. “We’re cool like that, man. “I can talk to her. “I can—I could tell her anything, man. “She’s not like your old lady, you know. Trippin’ all the time.” “Hey, Martin, take the pictures of the cochina off the internet.” “Whatever.” “Oh, I’m sorry, did I say that out loud? Forgive me, bro.” “Gabriel, lie.” “I can’t lie, man.” “Lie!” “I can’t lie!” “Are you that honest?” “No, I just won’t remember the lie. “Why get in trouble two times for the same stupid thing? You know what I’m saying, bro?” So I sent the message. “Baby, I made it… Oh, delete, delete, delete.” [chuckles] “Baby, I went next door “with Martin to Cinebar. “Had a nice time. “Kissy face, kissy face. “Kissy face. Send.” [imitates cell phone chiming] “Lucky you. “Wish I could’ve been there with you. “Tell Martin I said hi. I love you.” [laughing] Oh, my God. Martin, I just told my girlfriend I was at a bar with you, and she didn’t get mad. What the hell is she doing? [laughter, applause] Man, she told me to tell you hi. And she don’t even like you. So I scroll back to read what she read, and apparently, my stupid iPhone has this memory spell check feature, and it didn’t recognize the word, “Cinebar.” It flipped it and turned it into Cinnabon. So apparently, at 1 0:00 at night, my girlfriend thought I was having cinnamon rolls with my friend, Martin, which normally, would sound like an ugly lie, but considering her boyfriend is known as “the fluffy guy” who loves “chocolate cake,” it sounds real. I was like, “Oh, my God. “Martin, check it out! My iPhone lied for me.” [laughter, applause] I love you, iPhone! BlackBerry can’t do that. [cackling] A month later, my girlfriend heard me tell the story, and she’s like, “That’s a funny joke.” I go, “It really happened.” “How come you didn’t tell me?” I said, “The phone didn’t let me.” And her friends are right there. “See, he’s out there getting wasted, sending you messed-up texts.” “Whatever. Shut up, haters.” Yeah, a lot of things are going on. Um, in the house here tonight, you guys, I’m very happy she was able to make it. A lot has been going on. My mom once again here at my special… is in here. [audience cheering] Where you at, Ma? I know you’re out here. Oh, there she is. [audience cheering] Andale. She almost didn’t make it here tonight, you guys, almost. Uh, a month ago, my mom got admitted to the hospital. She got a little sick. Somebody forgot to take their medication, uh-uh. “I don’t need it pa’que… pa’que neces…ay, ay.” Yeah, uh-uh, remember that? Remember that? Right? Anyway, Mom… Sorry, I have to throw it at her so she makes sure she takes her medicine. Got to give my little shout-outs right now. Right here in the front row, you guys… if anybody saw my last DVD, in the bonus features, this gentleman right here, Freddy Franco— Fred Franco— has attended over 250 of my shows. Over 250 of my shows. In about five or six different states. At first, my girlfriend was like, “Psycho.” But he’s not— he’s cool. We’ve hung out with him. Just a—one of the greatest fans ever, and so I have to give him his props, you know. He, uh, took some time off of work to come out here. So thank you, Freddy. Man. Cabron, you’re die-hard. Please don’t ever turn psycho, please. ‘Cause I have some psychos out there. They’ll show up, and they’ll hang out by the car. “Gabriel.” [laughing nuttily] It’s funny because this is my— this is my third special. In the last special that I did, I did a bunch of references to police officers. And they weren’t exactly flattering references or jokes. You know, I was just kind of like saying, you know, the whole doughnut thing and, um…[laughs] Apparently, they became fans in some weird way, because I started getting phone calls to do police functions. In December, I had five Christmas parties. I got a phone call from my agent. He’s like, “Gabe, check it out. “CHP, California Highway Patrol, wants to hire you to do a show.” I go, “Really? What does it pay?” “They want you to donate your time.” “I think I’m busy.” “They told me to let you know you have a warrant in the city of Fresno, California.” I’m like, “Oh, they’re good.” So I did the show. And I’m gonna tell you guys right now— I’m gonna tell you guys right now, it was one of the scariest shows I ever did. A room full of nothing but cops. Everybody’s drinking a lot. And I’m scared, because if they get ghetto, who do I call? You know, I got to go out in the parking lot and find some gang member. “Hey, back me up!” So the show went good. It went so good that they asked me to do another show in California, in San Diego, for the California Highway Patrol Border Division. And I tried to make up an excuse that my car wasn’t working right. They said, “No worries. We understand.” They sent a patrol car to my house with a freaking uniformed officer. And I was like, “Oh, my God.” Best part was I didn’t tell my family he was coming. Oh, yeah, sometimes you have to create your own entertainment. It was hysterical. 5:00 rolled around. I’m like, “He should be here any minute.” Sure enough… [imitates doorbell ringing] “Frankie! Frankie, can you get the door, please?” “Okay, Gabriel.” So he goes to the door. Comes back, and he’s got, like—you know, he’s like… [whispering] “Gabriel. Gabriel, the police are here.” “Why are you whispering?” ‘”Cause something’s gonna happen.” When he said that, I’m like, “Oh, I got to freaking let him have it now, right?” I said, “Oh, my God, Frankie, they found me.” “What do you mean, Gabriel?” “I got to go, Frankie. I got to go. “Take care of your mom for me, okay? I love you. I love you.” “No!” “I got to go, Frankie.” And I saw the officer— I said, “Pretend you’re arresting me. I want to freak out my kid.” “No problem. Turn around and put your hands behind your back.” “I can’t reach. “Just hold my hand. “Walk me to the car. Just walk me to the car. “Come on, just walk me to the car. “He doesn’t know the difference, dude. “Just walk me to the freaking car. Come on.” I get to the cop car. He throws me in the backseat, right, and slams the door. And I ask him, “Is it okay if I yell out the window to freak out my kid?” “You want to use the microphone?” “Yeah!” Freaking… [imitates microphone feedback] “Here you go, sir.” And he hands me the microphone, and I said, “Frankie, this is the police. “We have your father. “We’re coming back for you in one hour. Do your homework.” [imitates siren warbling] [imitates car driving away] One minute later, my girlfriend calls me. “You’re an ass!” “What’s he doing?” “He’s doing his homework.” “That’s called parenting, baby.” [cheering and applause] [sighs, chuckles] He got even with me, though. He totally got even with me. I walked in the kitchen one morning. He’s sitting there, and he looks at me, and he goes, “Gabriel, I have a question for you. What’s a hooker?” [sternly] “What did you say?” “What’s a hooker?” “Where did you hear that?” “I was watching HBO, and there was a commercial “for a show called Hookers at the Point. “It said, ‘This Saturday at 1 1:30, “check out all the hookers.’ What’s that mean?” “That means we’re going out Saturday.” “What’s a hooker?” “Let it go, dude.” “Tell me.” “You don’t need to know.” “Tell me.” “Frankie, that’s for adults.” “You said I was an adult.” “I said you eat like an adult. “And what you do in the bathroom, “you are grown up— trust me— but you don’t need to know what a hooker is.” He throws a fit in the kitchen. “Hooker! Hooker! Hooker! Hooker!” “What are you doing?” “Hooker!” He won’t stop. I don’t know what to do, so I snapped. “Quit it!” And he stopped. And apparently, his mom heard that. Mm-hmm, and as soon as I yelled, [laughing] Oh…my God, he went from being my son to my girlfriend’s little cub once again. And here she comes from the other side of the house, mama lion, to protect her little, you know… [mimics theme from The Lion King] [roaring] [imitating hoofbeats] I could see her coming. [screams] [roaring] “Why are you yelling at my baby?” Oh, my God. “He wants to know what a hooker is.” [crying] “And that’s why you’re yelling?” Tears, right? “You said, if he had any questions, he could come to you.” “I didn’t know he was going to ask me that.” “You said, ‘Don’t worry, baby. ‘”I’m the man. I’ll take care of it.”‘ “Tell him.” “Are you serious?” “Tell him now.” [sighs] “Frankie, you want to know what a hooker is?” “Yeah.” “Those are your mom’s friends.” [audience laughing] [imitates car speeding away] They don’t like me anyway. At least now, when they come over to the house— “Frankie, who’s at the door?” “Hookers are here.” My buddies are like, “What did he say?” “Happy birthday.” [cackling] Oh, my God. Noticing we got a soldier in the front row, man. How you doing, bro? US Army? [cheering and applause] Thanks for coming, man. What’s your name? I can see…yeah, I can read the last name, Fuentes, but what’s your name? What’s that? Ricardo. Ricardo… you’re in El Paso. “Ricardo, cabron. ” Save Ricardo for over there, okay? Okay? “Ricardo!” I want you to sound like you’re in one of those noveIas. “Who is it?” [suavely] “It’s Ricardo.” “Did you bring a pistola?” [imitates gun cocking] Sorry, man, I’m just giving you a tough time, man. But thank you for coming, man. Thank you for what you do. [cheering and applause] Seriously, bro. I did a tour recently called “Around in the World in Eight Days.” We went to, uh, Iraq, Afghanistan, Germany, Turkey, uh, Greenland, Alaska, and Los Angeles. They had to drop me off. Iraq was crazy, you guys. When you land in Iraq, it’s not like landing here, you know, in El Paso, where the plane comes in… [imitates landing airplane] Over there, people take shots at the planes, so the plane comes in like this. Like that. And then, at the last minute… [imitates whooshing airplane] Caca. The whole plane smelled like chimichangas. It was terrible. [groans] [laughter] That, for me, was one of the scariest shows of my life, man. I’m in Iraq, middle of the night. Outside. No tent. Pitch black, helicopter flying, and there’s a spotlight on me. [laughter] And I’m supposed to be funny. And I can hear… [imitates gunfire] [imitates rapid gunfire] [imitates crying] [laughter] And the crazy part is that I saw a sign that was very familiar. They have Subways in Iraq. I was, like, “Is that? What is that? Is that? “It’s Subway. Oh, my God! Yeah!” I got back to my room. They have the stupid commercial there too, in their language. Oh, my God, I almost lost it. Same one. Freaking… ♪ Hallel, hallel, hallel, hallel ♪ ♪ Hallel, hallel… ♪ [ululating] ♪ Hallel, hallel, hallel… ♪ [applause and laughter] “Oh, my God, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.” [laughter] It’s crazy, man. You know what was crazy, bro? When I was in Iraq, they wanted me to go to different bases, but they wouldn’t let me go because they have to provide you with a helmet and a bulletproof vest. And apparently, the military does not have a Big and Tall. [laughter] They put that 75-pound vest on me. It looked like a bulletproof bib. Like if somebody shoots my snack, I’m okay, you know? [imitates ricocheting] Oh, it stopped right here. I’m, like, “Oh, my God.” No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. No, man. We flew into Korea. That threw me off a little bit too. We go to check into the hotel, and it was kind of scary for me, because the phone had a big sticker on it that said, “Do not discuss classified information. Someone is always listening.” That’s freaky, ’cause I’m calling my girl back home, right? [imitates phone ringing, click] “Hello?” “Hey, baby.” “Oh, my God, where are you?” “I can’t tell you.” [laughter] “Oh, my God, I’m so worried.” “Don’t worry, baby. Everything’s cool.” “Oh, my God, I miss you so much. Where are you?” “I can’t tell you.” So I’m trying to give her clues, right? [hums Asian-themed tune] “Germany?” “What?” “I’m kidding.” “Oh, thank God, honey.” “I wish you were home.” “Why?” “If you were home right now, we’d be in the room.” “Really? What else?” “And we’d be laying on the bed.” “Check you out.” All of a sudden, I heard a voice that said… [male voice] “What else would you do?” [laughter] [man clears throat] “I’m sorry. Proceed. Proceed.” [imitates phone thumping on receiver] Blockers over there. But I enjoyed myself, you guys. I had a lot of fun. I made the reference to the police officers, and, you know, sometimes there’s problems everywhere. Cops used to mess with me a lot. That’s why I love getting recognized now. Now, they’re just, like, “Oh, it’s you.” I’m like…[sighs] [laughs] That wasn’t the case six years ago. I did a theater show just like this one in the city of San Antonio. As soon as the show was over, “San Antone, ¿que paso?” As soon as the show was over, you know, I’m hanging out in the lobby, taking pictures and stuff. And then we go outside, and I get stopped in front of the theater in front of my own poster. How sad is that? You know, freakin’… [siren chirps] “What are you doing?” “Uh, standing.” “You have any ID?” [whimpers] [laughter and applause and whooping] “Keep going.” “All right!” Oh! Now, uh-uh. Every chance I get to have fun with them, I will. Last time I got stopped, the cop came to the car all mean. “You know why I stopped you?” I looked at him with a straight face, and I said, ‘”Cause I’m black.” [laughter] “Ha, ha. Hell, yeah, man. What’s up, playa?” He turned the flashlight on, you guys. [laughter] “Get the hell out of here, stupid.” [laughter] “Yay. Yay.” [imitates engine revving] Oh, and by the way, thank you to whoever brought the chocolate cakes in the back. I got them right before the show. Thank you very much. [applause and cheering] Very cool. Mm-hmm, And somebody brought Chico’s Tacos too. I thought that was great. [applause and cheering] Mm-hmm. Now, you guys here know what I’m talking about, but everybody that’s watching at home, they’re, like, “Chico’s Tacos? What the hell’s that?” It’s an El Paso tradition. If you come to El Paso… [cheering, applause and whistling] Just know that that’s, you know, that’s right here. That’s, you know… That’s the tradition in El Paso. I ran into people in other places like Chicago or New York. I’m, like, “Where you from?” “El Paso,” and I said, “Chico’s Tacos,” and they’re like… [gasps] Like, wow. Yeah. That’s hardcore. It is the craziest food I’ve ever tried, you guys. Craziest ever. Reason is, you know, they give you these little taquitos, and there’s, like, a sauce, and you pour it. And, like, the taquitos float, and it absorbs and… I never thought I’d see the day where I could drink a taco. [laughter] Mm. Yeah. And you got to have that at the end of the night. Don’t try to freakin’ plan out events after going, you know. Don’t say, “Oh, we’re going to eat at Chico’s and then go to the movies.” No, don’t do that. Don’t do that. You’ll be sitting there, like, you know, “Hey, this is a good movie, huh? This is the one where Nicolas Cage comes out and…” [loud stomach grumbling] “Anyway, he plays the bad guy in this movie, and it turns out really good.” [stomach grumbling] Then all of a sudden… [puffing] [laughter] [rumbling] [high-pitched screech] [laughter and applause] [high-pitched screech] You’re running by people. [rumbling] They’re, like… [sniffing] “Chico’s.” [laughter and applause] Mm-hmm. An El Paso tradition. [applause, cheering and whistling] You know what’s funny? Is that a year from now, they’ll be people watching this all over the world. Just, like, the first DVDs in Canada, Australia and Europe. This DVD will wind up somewhere in Australia. And they’ll be people in Australia going, “What the hell’s Chico’s?” [laughter] “Crikey, we got to go. We got to see Chico’s.” You watch, man. There’ll be people freaking out. [British accent] “I say, we must go try Chico’s.” [laughter] “It sounds splendid.” “Yes, it does.” “Drink a taco. “I never thought I’d see the day. “I’m going to try it. El Paso it is.” Oh, man. But, no. I got Chico’s Tacos and cakes. [cheering] You know? One night at one show, I received 1 1 chocolate cakes. And it was local, so I took ’em home. And that is an argument that nobody in this building has ever had at 3:00 in the morning. ‘Cause you don’t just walk into the house with 1 1 cakes. You make some noise. You know. [imitates doors slamming open and footsteps] And I walk in with the last two cakes, and my girlfriend’s in the kitchen. And she’s, like, “What the hell is this?!” I’m trying to be cute. “It’s a bakery.” [laughter and applause] “Where did you get all this cake?” I said, “Baby, the people at the show brought it.” “Are you gonna eat all of it?” “Eventually. I’m not gonna do it in one hit, you know?” Freaking two hours later. “Clear!” [laughter] “How do you know someone isn’t trying to poison you?” “With cake? Are you serious?” It’s, like, you live by the cake, you die by the cake, you know? No. Uh-uh. So we’re going back and forth, right? We wake up Frankie, and Frankie walks into the kitchen at 3:00 in the morning, and he’s, all… [mumbling] “Where did all the cake come from?” “The people at the show brought it.” “Tell ’em I said thank you.” “I’ll tell ’em you said thank you, Frankie.” “Gabriel, how come they bring you cake?” ‘”Cause ten years ago, I did a joke where I said, ‘”I love chocolate cake.’ Now people bring me cake.” “You should say you love Transformers.” [laughter] I’ll start doing it, all right? So my girl’s, like, “Baby, put Frankie to bed.” I go, “Frankie, you got to go back to sleep.” [grunting] “Want some cake?” “Yeah.” So I grab one of these tiny cakes that somebody brought me. One of those little tiny ones that has the plastic cover and the sticker on the side. And I handed to him. I go, “Here.” He goes, “A little piece?” I go, “Dude, it’s a small cake. You can have the whole thing.” And the look that came over his face at 3:00 in the morning was like he got a gift from God. [laughter] I said, “Here,” and he was, like…. [humming reverential religious tune] [applause, cheering and laughter] [whistling and applause] “Take it to your room.” [singing in Latin] [laughter and applause] I went to go take him to school the next morning. He’s in the bathroom crying. [imitates sobbing] “Hey, are you okay?” “Oh, my stomach!” “Your stomach? Too much cake?” “Yeah.” “Was it good?” “Hell, yeah.” “I’ll see you in the car.” 20 minutes later, he comes to the car, and he’s all sweaty. [breathing heavily] “You all right? What happened?” “I blew it up.” “Get in the car.” [imitates engine revving] I get him to school 45 minutes late. Usually, when I drop him off, you guys, I leave him on the side of the school, and they have, like, a drop-off zone with cones and a supervisor to make sure that your kid gets off safely. When you’re 45 minutes late, there’s nobody there, so I left him in front of the school. And apparently, that’s a no-no. You’re not supposed to do that. I didn’t know, you know? [engine purring, tires squeal] “Go for it.” “I’m not supposed to…” “I know, dude. Just go. You’re late. Go.” [grunting] [door closes, squeaking] Out of nowhere, here comes the principal. And I know it’s the principal, ’cause he’s, like, “It’s the principal! It’s the principal! It’s the principal! It’s the principal!” “Dude, relax. I’m 30. I don’t give a damn.” Here comes the principal. “Sir? Sir, this is not the designated drop-off area. “Please take your child to the other side of the school. You cannot leave him here.” I was, like… [whispering] “Watch this.” Senora… [speaking Spanish] [laughter] [applause, cheering and laughter] “That’s how you do it, homeboy. That’s how you do it.” That principal was amazing, ’cause she was, like, “Usted no puede dejar su hijo aqui. “Saca la huelta a la otro lado de Ia escueIa. “Aya, si, si, aqui, no, no. “Aya, si, si, aqui, no, no. Yo no soy pendeja.” [applause, cheering and laughter] Did that really happen? Yes. Mm-hmm. I felt so bad ’cause when I picked up Frankie, he’s like, “The principal yelled at me.” I’m like, “I’m sorry.” “I’m gonna tell my mom.” “No. It’s all right, dude.” We’re having a good time right now with his mom. And it sucks, you guys, ’cause we got into a fight that weekend. Eh… it was not too big, but it was, like, it was— it could have been prevented. My girlfriend’s backing the car up out of the driveway, and somebody had left, like, this— I guess they were moving, and they left this big box behind the car, and my girlfriend’s backing up, and I go, “Baby, baby, there’s a box.” “I got it.” [crashing sound] [laughter] Even Frankie was like, “Mom, he told you there was a box right there.” “Shut up!” So we get inside the house, and I looked at her and I said, “What the hell is your problem?” And sure enough, Frankie walks up. [whimpering “You guys are going to fight.” I’m like, “Oh, shoot— no, no, no, I’m sorry, Frankie. We’re not fighting.” “You’re yelling at my mom.” “No, no, no, no, no, I love your mom. She just didn’t hear me.” “You’re not mad at her?” “No, I’m not mad at your mom. “Baby, I love you, I love you. See, I love your mom— I love you.” [kissing] “I love your mom; everything’s cool. “You want to go play some video games or something? Come on, I’ll go play with you.” “Okay.” “Okay, come on. I’m not mad at your mom, dude, come on, let’s go. Say bye to your mom.” “Bye, Mom.” “Come on, let’s go, come on, we’re cool. I’m not mad at her; come on, let’s go.” [mouthing] “Come on, let’s go.” See, some of you are laughing, some are like, “Did— can he really say that?” [laughing] I snuck it in there, huh? [sighs] No, no fighting. But I had to make up the fact that I yelled at Frankie. I go, “Frankie, whatever you want to do, let’s do it.” “Gabriel, can we go to an arcade?” “Arcade? Dude, you have a Nintendo Wii at your house.” And then I had a flashback to 20 years ago. [in shrill voice] “¿Que, que? Arcade? “Cabron, tu tienes un Nintendo en la casa. You have a Nintendo at home.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, I’m turning into my mom. Come on, dude, let’s go.” [imitates engine] I take him to this big old freaking arcade, right? And I felt so out of it because I didn’t know you couldn’t put money in the machines anymore. I’m— Man, I remember quarters. I’m thinking, “Here, five bucks,” and he’s, like, looking at me like, “Hmm?” “What? Go play,” and he’s like— he came right back. “All done.” I’m like, “Dude.” I didn’t know this. You have to go to another machine, put in money, and then it gives you a card, and then you swipe that card to play video games. And the game he wants to play doesn’t cost a quarter. It costs three dollars. A game. Big old machine called Dance Dance Revolution. [light cheering] Some of you know this game? Yeah, maybe, sort of. For those of you that don’t know the game, it’s pretty simple. It’s a dancing game, and there’s a big screen and then arrows come out to music, and whatever arrow comes out, that’s the arrow you have to step on when it comes out. Kind of cool, but all the music is techno and it’s loud. I know I’m getting older ’cause I’m like, “They got to turn that down.” [as male announcer] “Dance Dance Revolution Revolution. Get ready.” And the kids are like, “I’m ready.” “Select music.” [beatboxing techno] [light cheering] And that’s what they dance to. “Ready, go!” [beatboxing techno] [audience cheering] “Perfect.” And the kid’s like, “Whoo!” And I’m like… [panting] I love this game, but they need to have something that’s more fluffy-friendly, so that fluffy people and parents can hang and enjoy. We’re watching this game for over an hour. I told Frankie, “Let’s go play another game and then we’ll come back when the line goes down.” “The line never goes down.” Great. So I’m watching kid after kid after kid. You know, like, “Serious? How much is it?” “It’s three dollars a dance.” “Three dollars a dance?” And then I thought about it. Well, I paid $20 two nights ago, so… I guess three dollars isn’t that bad. [laughs] Now that I think about it. Some of you are clapping, some are like, “I don’t get it.” Yeah, whatever, anyway. So kid after kid. Then I found something out. You can always spot that one kid who you just know is going to grow up to be a little bit more… creative… than others by the way he plays the game. And all the other little kids— they know something’s up. They’re like, “You got to watch. “When Benji plays, you got to watch. Watch.” Sure enough, here comes Benji, right? “Dance Dance Revolution. Get ready.” [in effeminate voice] “I’m so ready.” I’m like, “Whoa… oh, it’s on.” “Select music.” [beatboxing techno] “Ready, go!” This dude took off. [beatboxing techno] [audience cheering] “Perfect.” “I know.” I’m like, “Wow.” Frankie’s like, “I’m next.” I go, “You can’t follow that. “You better come over here and play some Street Fighter, man. “Let me show you how to throw a fireball. Get your butt over here.” Oh, my God. I had to make it up to him another way. I had to take him… to Disneyland. I stopped going to Disneyland a long time ago. Because you know what? Those roller coasters are not fluffy-friendly. Disney cares. That’s why there’s safety there. You know, they have all those different harnesses. And if you’re over 300 pounds, just stay in the parking lot. You know, ’cause they got the whole, you know… [clicking] You’re fluffy, forget it. That’s why I love a ghetto-ass carnival. You know, those ones they build in, like, six hours? I can still ride those roller coasters. It’s only one bar, three clicks, that’s it. If it locks, good. If it doesn’t, “Hold on!” [hissing, clicking] Plus, fluffy people never fall. We never fall. You know who falls? The skinny guy that got stuck next to us. [laughter] That’s who… [screams] More room. [laughs] But me and Disney, no. No mas. But I had to because I messed up. I fell asleep on the couch, and I woke up all, you know… [groaning] …and Frankie was watching TV. He goes, “Look, Gabriel, look, Disneyland.” And I was like, “Dude, what’s the big deal, okay? “It’s Disneyland. What, you’ve never gone?” all: Aw… – “My dad never took me.” Oh, mother… Next morning… [whirring] [brakes screeching] [hissing] “Welcome to the magical world of Disney.” We walk in the park; he’s all happy. [laughs] We get into the middle of the park, and he’s so funny. He starts getting winded. I thought it was hysterical because up until then, I only saw myself get like that, you know. [panting] So to see a little ten-year-old version… [high-pitched panting] [shrieks] [laughing] Hysterical. I was dying. I go, “Frankie, you want to take a break?” “Mm-hmm, Gabriel, this park is big.” I’m like, “See? “It’s not a small world after all. Like, whatever, dude, sit down.” So we’re sitting down, waiting. All of a sudden, I start getting recognized at Disneyland, and that, for me, was cool. You know, people were walking by. [indistinct whispering] “Fluffy, can we take a picture?” “Sure.” [whooshing] And then… more people. “It’s him.” “It’s that guy.” “Pikachu.” Now I have, like, ten people around me like I’m a new character at the park. Best part is Frankie starts getting annoyed. He’s like… [groaning] “Why don’t they leave you alone?” “Frankie, these are the people that come to the shows. They’re the reason why you have a PlayStation.” [exhaling] [as Frankie] “Thank you.” “Here, now, start taking the pictures.” [laughs] So I told Frankie, “Frankie, what ride are you going to get on?” “Ride?” “Yeah. What ride do you want to get on?” “I don’t want to get on a ride.” “What the hell are we doing at Disneyland?” “The commercial said that Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth.” “Oh, my God. “That’s IHOP. The hell are we doing here?” We’re hanging out at IHOP, and, you know, we started talking, and it was kind of like a little bonding moment because Frankie— his dad isn’t in the picture and my dad wasn’t in the picture, so for some reason, you know, we got a little connection going on and it’s pretty cool. Frankie told me something, and it got me right here. He goes— you know, I’m talking to him. I said, “Frankie,” I says, “do you ever want to, you know, talk or see your real dad?” And he goes, “You are my real dad.” I was like, “Oh…” And then he followed it up with this— “I want my last name to be Iglesias.” [grunting] And then his mom walked in. “Me too.” They work together, they work together. I knew it. It’s a tag team. [murmuring] Whatever. Eh, another time, I took ’em to IHOP, you guys— too funny. We walk in there, we got my buddy Noah. We went to go eat, tore it up, walked out into the parking lot, and discovered that my car had been stolen. [audience groaning] Yeah, uh-huh. I was full too. I’m like… [groans] “We got to walk.” My buddy Noah— he’s trying to be helpful. He’s like, “Gabriel, don’t you have OnStar?” I’m like, “Yeah, but it’s in the car, stupid.” “Well, can’t you call the 800 number? Maybe they can track your car.” I’m like, “Oh, shoot, Noah, you’re a genius.” So I pull out my cell phone and my freaking, you know, OnStar card, and I call ’em up. [phone rings] [in mechanical female voice] “OnStar. “For OnStar service, press one. “Para servicio en espanol, oprima el numero dos. To report a lost or stolen vehicle, press three.” [beeps] “One moment.” [imitating Chuck Mangione’s “Feels So Good” trumpet solo ] [line rings] “Thank you for choosing OnStar. “This is Kim speaking. How can I help you?” “Kim, they just stole my car from IHOP.” “I’m very sorry, sir. Can I get your OnStar number?” “Actually, Kim, I can’t read the card. “It’s kind of chewed up. “Uh, can I give you, like, a credit card or Social Security or something?” “Sir, just give me your name.” “Okay, my name is Gabriel Iglesias.” “Oka—” “Hello? “Kim? Kim?” “Do you spell that with an “I”?” [cheering, applause] [mimics thud] [mimics ringing] [in female voice] OnStar. For OnStar service press one. Para servicio en Espanol oprima el numero dos. Un momento. Por favor. [laughter] [applause, cheering, whistling] [imitates trumpet playing “Mexican Hat Dance”] [trumpeting continues] [mimics ringing] “I speak Spanish too, motherfucker!” [laughter, applause] I love you, El Paso. Muchas gracias. Thank you so much. [“Mi Gente” by Kumbia Kings playing] Thank you. [cheering, applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-what-transcript/ | Bo Burnham: What (2013) – Transcript | bo burnham | Bo What? Old MacDonald had a farm E I E I O And on that farm he had a pig E I E I O Here a snort There a Old MacDonald had a farm E I E I O [Applause] This is Bo Burnham. He’s 22 years old. He’s a male. And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen Degeneres. He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples. He’s isolated himself over the last 5 years in pursuit of comedy. And, in doing so, has lost touch with reality. You’re an asshole, Bo. You hear me? You think you know better than me. You think you know better than everybody. You will die alone. And you will deserve it. But in the meantime, you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours. See if that helps. [Up beat music starts] You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny. But now you’re contractially obligated so dance you fucking monkey. DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE! Welcome to the show this is Bo, this is his show. And Bo likes to dance like this. Welcome to the show, this is Bo this is his show. And Bo takes off his pants like this. Play an invisible drum. [Invisible drum sounds] Play an invisible trumpet. Trumpet sound! Drink some invisible water, OH SHIT! That water is real! Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. Random voice Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. Lick your lips to make it more comforting. Do you wanna see a magic trick? Yeah! Do you wanna see a magic trick? Yeah! Do you wanna see a magic trick? Then pick a card any card. SIKE! Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real. Or is it? And at that moment, Bo’s 20-year-old cynicism melted into childlike wonder. He never knew there could be so much magic in the world. It’s a world of possibilities, Bo. What do you wanna do first? Run? Yeah, sure you can run. Fly? Well yeah, you can fly. What? What are you… What the fuck you… What the fuck are you doing? Stop- St- Stop it! What the f- You fucking idiot, stop. Stop. Stop. Anyways. In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud about being called one in high school. He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard. Bo knew that he’d have to answer a riddle to get by. The troll spoke thus: “All right, for the last time man, I’m not a troll.” “I’m homeless.” “Okay? Do you have any spare change?” “Okay, that’s a used napkin.” “I don’t want that.” “No. No, stop. Just-” “You know, leave. Just leave. Please leave.” And then, as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage, he saw a unicorn with 5 horns right in front of him. And the pentacorn spoke thus: “Hello, Bo!” ‘I’ve been looking for you for quite a long time no-” [Gunshots] [Reloading] [Gunshots] He was safe. For now… But the dark thoughts would soon return. IT’S GODZILLA! AAAAHHHHH!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! [Screeching] OH MY GOD AHHHHH!!!! [Screeching] GODZILLA!! AAAAAUUUGGHHHHHH!!! [Screeching] It’s so hard to be a lizard. It’s hard to be a lizard. Tiny arms, itchy gizzard. It’s hard to be a lizard. But it’s harder to segue. Is he skiing? Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? What? Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? Huh! Or is he in a gay porn? Here’s a hint. He’s in a gay porn. Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying. So give ’em the real thing! [Autotuned] My voice is so fucking natural. [Autotuned] It’s naturally good. [Out of tune] Naturally good! Na-a-a-aturally good. This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show. Welcome to the show! [Applause] That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid. Anyway, San Francisco! Yeah! We are a place. We are a place. In California- Um, I’d like to, uh, I’d like to start with a joke for my male audience. Uh, this is a joke for the fellas. Where are my fellas at? FELLAS?! [Fellas respond] Yo, fellas don’t you hate it when you’re blowing a guy and he ends up being a faggot? AM I RIGHT?! I’ve been blowing a faggot this whole time? Third time this week. Thank you so much. We’re having fun… This, um- This show is called “what”. And I hope there are some surprises for you, or someth- Jesus, sorry. It’s a good start. Uh, hope there’s- He meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you all thought it was an accident. But, he meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Art is a lie. Nothing is real! So, um, we uh- Grow up! Grow up with your applause. Stick it… He meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you all thought it was an acc– Just, don’t, if it’s on repeat it will repeat. Just… we can cut all this, so… We meant to play the track again. Yeah, yeah, yeah! But you all thought it was an accident. But, he meant to play the water track a-ga-ga-gain! Art’s still a lie. Nothing’s still real! Food jokes. Let’s do some food jokes. Segues are weird. Um… [Laughs] I had a hot dog for breakfast today, and afterwards I felt like this. Cos I couldn’t control my stools. Alright, Jesus… I’m glad you like poop based puns They will be a majority of the show. Never waste a moment, every moment can become a comedic moment. See. So… Just a little lesson for comedians. This first song, is called: “A world on fire” [Screaming] This next song, it’s a little bit… it’s a little bit longer then that one. And… Thank you. It’s about how sad I am, and I’m really sad, it’s called “Sad” [Piano music] It’s about all the sad stuff Just picture a depressed onion cutting it self. [Gasps] I met a homeless man named Rich. Isn’t that terrible? I saw a flyer for a lost dog, and the dog did not have any legs. I saw a diabetic kid, trick-or-treating. I saw a giraffe who had a short neck. That was sad, or a dear? I saw an old man get hit by a train. He didn’t see it in the pouring rain. He didn’t hear me shout: “look out for the train!” Cos I didn’t say anything. I just thought to my self: “Ooh, this is going to be sad.” And it was. I’m a genius. [gasps] I saw a man with only one eye, in a 3D movie. I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone directly on his mothers corpse! I saw a kitten stuck in a tree. Then the kitten jumped off and it hung it self, I saw a boy who had red hair. I went to a store looking for something to buy. But they only sold paintings of the same sad guy. No wait! This store sells mirrors, see what I did there? LETS ROCK! No. The worlds is so fucking sad bros. Pain. Genocide, war. Sexism, Racism. But I gotta remember there’s good things about it too. Like the fact that none of that is happening to me. Score! Still though it’s hard not to be sad about it. [to audience] How do you all do it? I’ve been telling you guys terribly sad things this whole song you haven’t been sad at all, you’ve been… You’ve been happy. No… You’ve been laughing. That’s it, laughter. That’s the key to everything. It’s the way to solve all the sadness in the world. I mean not for the people that are actually sad, but for people like us, that gotta fucking deal with them all the time. Being a comedian isn’t being an insensitive prick, capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public. It’s being a hero. The world isn’t sad, the world is funny. I’m a sociopath! I saw an old man slip and fall. Hey, what a fucking idiot. I saw a woman at her daughters funeral. Ha-ha-ha. Classic comedy. Everything that once was sad is somehow funny now. The holocaust and 9/11, that shit’s funny 24/7. Cos tragedy will be exclusively joked about. Because my empathy is bumming me out. God-bye sadness! Hello jokes. Thank you. [applause] I’ve got a really good joke about video editors. Video editors are so fucking… I think we should do a poem right now, if that’s OK? This poem is a little bit sappy, a little bit romantic, so we’ll get it out of the way now, and we’ll go back to the… Oops… the dirty stuff, you know. Everyone loves at a late show or whatever. OK It’s called: “I fuck sluts” [audience member yells] It’s not a roll call but thank you. Sluts! Sluts! [laughs] Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts. Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts. No ifs ands or buts. I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts! Nice girls are nice. But no good for nut sucking. They’ll need a serene night to green-light a buttfucking. But that’ll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking. Boo to the nice girls, praise be to slut fucking. I have a list. A list? Yes, a list of all the sluts I’ve missed. I’ve never fucked or sucked these sluts. And thus my nuts are fucking pissed. So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list. Another dumb cum-bucket struck from my nut sucking, suck it slut, slut fucking, bucket list. [applause] Yes, you hear the influences: Chaucer, Keats. Um… The pages are blank, I know it. Why am I lying to you? Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond. They can be skinny with big tits, or be skinny with small ones. Sluts can be perky, prepy or posh, with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash. Excuse me. But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart. These sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science music or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. But don’t trust there sluts, Don’t, don’t you dare. They’ll force you to trust them and love them and care. And then they’ll be gone and you’ll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there. Thank you very much. [applause] So, he was lashing out with sexist language cos he had his heart broken. We all learn something. Thank you all for coming. I know some of my bits are a little bit fast and dense, a little bit hard to follow, particularly that one. So I want to do something a little bit slower, for the people, maybe the older people in the crowd, or something, so umm… [laughter] This’s for you: Here’s a slow joke. [slowdown sound] [talking in slo-mo] What did the ear of corn say [talking in slo-mo] when all of it’s clothes fell off? [talking in slo-mo] Aww, shucks! [talking in slo-mo] Get it? [talking in slo-mo] Like “shucks” as in shucking corn [talking in slo-mo] and also “shucks” the exclamation. [talking in slo-mo] Am I right? [laughter] [speedup sound] Good. We’re having fun. Umm… My father recently told me that I act too flamboyant on stage. And I said: “really dad?” “Prove it!” [laughter] He sad: “Well what about that joke” “where you throw confetti at the end of it?” I said: “well I haven’t written that joke yet,” “cos it’s based of this conversation!” “Gotcha!” Keep it, keep the struggle. We are having a lot of fun guys. Don’t worry, you don’t have to fill the silences with laughter or applause. I don’t want you leaving this show thinking: “My hands hurt from clapping.” “My stomach hurts from laughing.” I just want you leaving the show, thinking: “Meh… alright…” And we are on our way. I moved to, um… Hollywood recently from Boston, where I grew up and… [audience member yells] Places! And I… [laughs] I heard about these sort of wild Hollywood party nights that people would have and I did not think they were true. Until I moved to Hollywood and I started having them. Anyway, this is a song about a crazy night that happened a couple of weeks ago. It’s called: “What did I do last night?” [Electronic music starts] Yeah! Yeah! Hey! Hey! Hey! What did I do last night? I cried my self to sleep! [Music stops] [Laughter] [applause] It was a good one. When did my mother first describe gay sex to me? Good question, I was 8 years old… I was 8 years old, she brought me into the dining room, she sat right across the table from me. She said: “Do you know how your father and I love each other” I said: “Of course.” “You and dad love each other” “more then two people could possible love each other.” She said: “Well two men can love each other in the exact same way” “that your father and I love each other.” She said: “what happens when two men love each other like that.” “What they do is, they take off all their clothes” “Umm.. they get into bed” “And they SHIT ON THE BIBLE!” [laughter] So I don’t talk to her anymore. OK [80’s sf sounds] [Robotic voice] Hello patient #24602 Hi. I’m sorry. [Robotic voice] How are you feeling? Not great. [Robotic voice] Has the treatment been working? No, it hasn’t been. [Robotic voice] What are your remaining symptoms? I just… I internalise my feelings. I have trouble articulati… Like, other people, and relating to them… [Robotic voice] So basically you’re still a little bitch? Real mature of you, disembodied voice. [Robotic voice] I was just joking n i g g e r. [laughter] We are right by Oakland, careful with that shit. [Robotic voice] I’m not human, I can say whatever I want. Alright, Just get to the… What, what’s wrong with me, please. [Robotic voice] Your emotions and your logic are at war. OK. [Robotic voice] Your creativity and your analysis are at war. [Robotic voice] And most simply [Robotic voice] Your left and your right brain are at war. My left and my right… ? [Robotic voice] To fix the problem [Robotic voice] We must separate them from each other. Separa… [Robotic voice] Splitting your neurological functions in: [5] [4] [3] We book an appointment. [2 … 1] You don’t just start counting down. [Robotic voice] This may hurt a bit I don’t even know what “it” is. [Robotic voice] Zero. Just… [high pitched robotic sounds] [Robotic voice] Isolation complete. [Robotic voice] This is Bo’s left brain. [Robotic voice] Objective. Logical. Cold. [Robotic voice] Analytical. Aware of patterns. [Robotic voice] Aware of trends. [Robotic voice] He’s efficient. [Robotic voice] And a prick. [Robotic voice] This is Bo’s right brain. [Robotic voice] Subjective. Creative. Sensory. [Robotic voice] Aware of feelings. [Robotic voice] Aware of people. [Robotic voice] He’s emotional. Yes. [Robotic voice] And an idiot. That’s your opinion… So just… Be careful with opinions… Yooo! [Robotic voice] Play nice. I am the left brain. I am the left brain. I work really hard to my inevitable death brain. You’ve got a job to do, you better do it right. And the right way is with the left brains might. I like Oreos and pussy! Yeah! ok! And I cried for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3. I am the right brain. I have feelings. I’m a little all over the place, but I’m lustful, trustful, and I’m looking for somebody to love. And put my penis in! Here comes a female, here comes a female. Puff your chest out take your phone and check your e-mail our evolutionary purpose is repopulate, so gather data now and see if she’s a possible mate. Holy fuck! I think she might be the one! There’s something about her, I just can’t describe it. Tits. I am the earth she is the glorious sun. I want her to trust me, and I just want her to sit on my face. Sit… sit… Alright new right brain, you’re being insane. No left brain! I’m just being alive! You should try it. You might like it. I worked hard to give him everything he cared about. You were worried about the things he was scared about. I’m calm and collected when you act wild. I am the adult, you are the child. You think you are the right one every time. You think you know everything. You don’t know anything at all. Half of his problems were supposed to be mine. But you wanted everything. I hope that you’re happy. Cos he’s sure not. Well according to my calculations, you are a pussy! Name calling? Really? We’re going to do name calling? We are not calling names. We are just stating facts. And the fact is: You’re a quivering pussy. I’m the pussy? Well at least I don’t play with toys still. OK, Rubik’s cubes are not toys. They keep my spacial reasoning skills sharp. Left brain plays with toys. Look at you, Johnny fucking… toy player! Well at least I did my fucking job. I kept him working, I kept him productive. You were supposed to look after him. You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable through all this, now you are trying to blame me for how he’s feeling. How he’s feeling? If he’s feeling unhappy, it’s because you failed him. You did this to him, he hates you I know he does. He fucking hates you! [crying] Right brain, look, I’m sorry. No you’re not… Look, maybe there’s something that we could do together. Together? Take the best parts of both of us. And put them together. I’m listening… It would let you let your feelings out, it would let me analyse. So you could man the themes, I’ll man the form. It’s something that George Carlin did, It’s something that Steve Martin did, It’s something special that we could both perform. Do you know what it is? Juggling? We could juggle, and juggle our cares away! It was comedy. We could do comedy together. [Robotic voice] Initiate reassembly. Alright, right brain, we are going to do comedy together. Altight left brain, I’ll do comedy with you. Look, we can fix him like this. Make him happy again. I promise. Left brain… Left brain I love you! I know. [Robotic voice] Experimentation complete. Thank you very much. [applause] At this part of the show I’d like to talk about how deep I am. [laughter] [piano music] I’m pretty fucking deep… deep… deep… So deep… That I called this song… Hash-tag deep. Have you ever stopped to watch a bluebird drop from a tree and take to the air? Me neither. Have you ever took time out to finish a rhyme but the right words just weren’t there? Meat cleaver. The people in my life, are like grains of sand. Cos they stick together. Often near my butthole. If life is an ocean, I am a deep and handsome fish. A fish that’s drowning. If the artistic process is a birth canal then I am a freshly jellied kid, come witness my crowning. These thoughts of mine, must be a sign that I’m, hash-tag deep. If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land? Have you ever accidentally peed on the toilet seat instead of on your girlfriends face. Me neither. Me neither! Have you ever wrote a song note for note, and not a single note was out of place. [out of tune playing] The people in my life, are like blades of grass. How? Cos they’re all so grounded, But at least grass stays away from my BUTTHOLE! Art is a harlot, and I am her sassy urban friend. Oooh… That’s why you’re being so selfish. If mamma is right, and the world is my oyster, then I must have an allergy to shell… You don’t know, how could you know? If life makes you wish you were dead. Just put on a good movie then promptly put a bullet in your head. Spend forever asleep. Cos life pales in comparison to living the dream. Hash-tag deep. [music ends] Thank you. [applause] [happy music starts playing] [music stops] [sad music] Don’t you hate it when that happens? Yeah. Thank you, That’s called: “Beating off in A minor”. Yes… Yes… “A-minor”, the key, not the felony. So… I believe… [laughs] I believe there’s nothing more manly one can do then take a shower with 5 other guys. It’s true. It’s early caveman, Cro-Magnon, wandering though the fog. You know scrubbing 5 other sapiens, no homo. [laughter] I’d like to do… erm… do some poems right now. Erm… if that’s OK? We’re at this point at the show. These poems are actually… I’m releasing this special for free so I’m going to plug my poetry book. These are my new poems from my poetry book called “Egghead”. That will be out by the time this is airing. But not by the time you guys are seated here right now. They are pretty serious, and it’s all just sort of… This is usually the lull of the show. Usually. So i like at this point to sort of take the pressure of the audience. And just read some poems, and then we’ll go back to the giggles. So… This is a poem by a dog: “Roses are gray. Violets are a different shade of gray.” “Let’s go chase cars.” [Applause] + [Chimes] “Me. With my strange choice of adjectives.” “You with your muscular teeth and your clockwise vagina.” [Chimes] “I put a chameleon on a red dildo.” Well… “He blushed!” There we go. [Chimes] This is a poem about beauty, about self image, and about the ability to transform. “Martha was ugly, like a shaven baboon.” “So she wrapped her self up” “in a curtain cocoon.” “And after a week she finally emerged.” “She smelled like shit! What a psycho.” [Chimes] + [Laughter] “You’re incomparable.” “Like a … ” [Chimes] + [Laughter] + [Applause] “I want to beat you to death with a blunt object!” “I want to grab one of those” “high end fashion manikins by the ankles” “and bash your rib cage in!” “I want to sharpen 15 pencils” “bind them with a rubber band” “stick the lead in your mouth” “and punch the erasers!” “I want to strap you to a bed of nails” “then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car” “so I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps” “in a mall parking lot during an earthquake!” “I want you to somehow survive” “a terrible car crash and then somehow” “not survive a small fender bender” “on the way back from a hospital.” [Chimes] + [Laughter] Thank you that’s called “Dad”. [Laughter] + [Applause] This is a poem… It’s really a story that’s meant primarily for children. But I think it’s got a lesson we could all learn. “The squares lived happily.” “In their square houses.” “In their square yard.” “In their square town.” “But then one day,” “a family of circles moved in from the west” “Get out of here roundies!” “Shouted one of the squares.” “Why? Said one of the circles” “Cos this is a metaphor for racism” [Chimes] + [Laughter] + [Applause] “When I walk into a party” “you’d think I was one of those long straight Tetris pieces” “cos everyone’s just like: Oh yeah. This guy’s here” “Finally we’ve been waiting for him to show up” Like you wait… in the game… Forget it. [Laughter] No. You had your chance. “If I had a million dollars” “I’d pay your mother to have sex with me” “afterwards I’d probably invest the remaining $999.990” Ten dollars for sex with your mother. Comedy! I smell comedy. Well, it was comedy giving off that scent. And finally: “Mid October,” “with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings.” “The streets dicing our town into neat, unfair portions.” “And me.” “Eating that pussy baby!” [Laughter] + [Applause] Thank you so much. Um… There’s things that I don’t want to come across in my show, that I worry often come across, about me, cos people don’t realize it’s an act up here. I don’t want you to ever think that I think that I’m better then people. or that i think I know better then people. Um… anyway, sorry. OK. This is a song from the perspective of God. [Laughter] + [Applause] + [Piano music] Books you think I wrote are way to thick. Who needs a thousand metaphos to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick. And I don’t watch you when you sleep Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep. You’re not going to heaven. Why the fuck would you think I’d ever kick it with you? None of you are going to heaven. There’s a trillion aliens cooler then you. You shouldn’t abstain from rape just cos you think that I want you to. You shouldn’t rape cos rape is a fucked up thing to do. Pretty obvious, just don’t fucking rape people. Didn’t think I needed to write that one down for you. I don’t think masturbation is obscene. It’s absolutely natural and the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. You make my job a living hell. I send gays to fix overpopulation. Boy did that go well. You’re not going to heaven. Eat a thousand crackers, sing a million hymns. None of you are going to heaven. You’re not my children, you are a bad game of sim. You shouldn’t abstain from pork just cos you think that I want you to. You can eat pork cos why the fuck would I give a shit? I created the universe, you think I’m drawing the line at the fucking deli isle? [Laughter] + [applause] You argue and you bicker and you fight. Atheists and Catholics, Jews and Hindus argue day and night. Over what they think is true. But no one entertains the thought, that maybe God does not Believe in you. You pray so badly for heaven. Knowing any day might be the day that you die. But maybe life on earth could be heaven? Doesn’t just the thought of it make it worth a try? My love’s the type of thing that you have to earn. And when you earn it you won’t need it. My love’s the type of thing that you have to earn. And when you earn it you won’t need it. I’m not gonna give you love just cos I know that you want me to. If you want love then the love has gotta come from you. [Music ends] + [Applause] [Rock music] “Walking between the micorphones” “is really awkward.” Tell me about it. Um… Women are stupid! Yeah I fucking said it. They are the weaker, dumber sex. I can prove it to you. I like to practice safe sex. Why? Cos I’m a guy. And I’m smarter. What do women say, every time? Every time i put on a condom, what do they say? “Why are you wearing a condom?” “I’m fucking you with a strap-on.” To be safe bitch! Women right, they’re the dumb ones. It’s time for a story. Let’s do a story. [Happy music] “It’s time for a story.” “It’s time for a story.” “A very special story” “Especially for you.” “It’s time for a story.” “It’s time for a story!” “Sit down and listen now.” “Don’t be a Jew.” This story is called… It’s a glitch! You can be Jewish. This story… This story is called: “Andy the frog”. Featuring long and convoluted similes. And I’ll warn you when one of those long and convoluted similes rears it’s old, head. So here we go: “Once upon a time, there was a frog name Andy.” [Frog noise] “Andy lived at the patent park pond.” “And he never hopped anywhere else” “in his entire frog life.” “He had three best friends:” “Milly, who never left her lily pad.” [Laughs] “Billy, who was always hopping mad.” “And Roger, who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn.” [Laughter] “So one day…” “One day…” “Andy saw something hop across the grass” “on the other side of the pond.” “Milly, Billy, Roger, look! -Said Andy.” “Across the pond stood” “The most beautiful frog Andy had ever seen.” “She’s gorgeous! -Said Milly.” “She’s beautiful! -Said Billy.” “A bit old for my taste! -Said Roger.” “Classic Roger!” “And then she was gone.” “I need to go find her! -Said Andy.” “I need to follow my little frog heart.” “So Andy followed the beautiful frogs footsteps into the forest.” “He then came across a turtle.” “You can’t pass! -Said the turtle.” “Please? -Said Andy.” “No! -Said the turtle.” And this is the first long convoluted simile: “Then there was a rustling in the bushes.” “And, like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle,” “the turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle.” [Laughter] + [Applause] “Andy kept moving, but at this point,” “like the doctor of the Kenyan track team” “his patience ran thin.” “Andy kept moving.” [Laughter] “He then came across a giant crocodile.” “And the crocodile began to chant:” “I woke up this morning,” “And I sat on a log.” “I opened up the menu,” “the menu said FROG!” [Laughs] “Andy said: No! No! Please let go of me!” “I can feel my self dying!” “You’re ripping out my insides!” “I’m never going to find her, am i?” “There’s no God, Is there?” “Fuck!” “FUCK!!!!” The end. The end! So, that’s the end of that story. [Applause] + [Laughter] If you are curious, the moral of that story is irrelevant, cos we are humans. Why would it apply to us? Um… You know my father is so hard to get along with. Cos he’s such a man’s man. You know? He believes, like, for example: You should always fight fire with fire. Which is a horrible way to live your life. Especially for him, because he’s a firefighter so… He was fired… That was as stupid as we get. But let’s get a little stupider, ha? “There’s a creepy old man” “fishing in a park.” “and the only problem is” “he tied a candy bar” “to the end of his line.” “He’s trying to catch a kid.” You know that stuff… Trying to get a little more mainstream. [Laughs] Um… People complain about the way I act on stage very often, you know. They say, like, I repeat jokes. Or they also say that They say… They don’t get again, that this is an act, on stage. They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solipsistic, self-contained, synonyms. And they want me to be… They want me to be a comic of the people. You know. Relate to the people with the overarching glue of comedy. So I want to do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys. I’m like you guys, you know. Once a week I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I loose all my sense of oneness and self worth. Ha-ha! And what I like to do in order to assure my self that I am unique, and not just one of many small white indistinguishable perfectly cylindric checker pieces in Jesus and Satan’s backgammon game. Is, I will… I’ll say a group a words that I think no one has ever said. in that order. So that… when I say it, I feel like: “look at me!” Participating in this new moment that no one’s ever been a part of. So I’ll say something random like like: “Peanut-butter tribadism.” Or: “I’m your father and I loved your comedy show.” Or: “At first I wasn’t comfortable leaving him alone with my children” “but then I saw his mustache. Phew…” Or um… Or: “Yo! Check out this Amish website!” Or um… Or: “I work at a toll booth and I don’t want to kill my self.” Or… That’s… too… Too real. Or: “Yo man! Life’s about three things man,” “Three things!” “Gettin’ money!” “Gettin’ pussy!” “And the Dewey Decimal System!” Or… Um… Or: “Hey! Can you hold my fanny pack I’m gonna go fuck a woman.” [Laughter] + [Applause] Um… If i could break… I want to tank you all for being here because I… I’m so grateful that you’d all come here and spend an hour of your time with me. And if you are watching at home or whatever. On a computer or something. If you have made it this far, That you very much for watching. Genuinely… I… This is my favorite thing to do. And I’m so grateful for people watching it and enjoying it. Um… OK. I will now recede back into my stage persona [Scoffs] [Piano music] I just blacked out for 20 seconds. Thank you for coming. Love songs used to be so beautiful. You know: “Let us go then, you and I.” “When the evening is spread out against the sky” “like a patient etherised upon a table” -T. S. Eliot. Beautiful. Love songs now a days Just as beautiful, guys! Usher, Justin Bieber, 1D. You know them. But these new artists they’ve done something very strange to the format of the love song they’ve changed it a bit. And I try to… capture how they’ve changed the format of the love song with this love song. I hope you enjoy it and mark the differences. Jason Derulo. I love your hair, I love your name, I love the way you say it. I love your heart and you’re so smart cos you gave away it. I love your sis, I love your dad, And I love your mom. But more then all of that I love the fact that you are dumb enough, to not realise everything I’ve said has been said before in a thousand ways in a thousand songs sung with the same four chords. But you’ll still love it and let me finger you. YEAAA! FINGER YOU!! FINGER YOU!!! Oh girl, i hope you don’t think that I’m rude, when I tell you that I love you boo. I also hope that see through this cleverly constructed ruse, designed by a marketing team cashing in on puberty and low self esteem and girls desperate need to feel loved. America says we love a chorus, but don’t get complicated and bore us. Though meaning might be missin’ We need to know the words after just one listen so repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. …repeat stuff. Yeah. Oh you know it? I love my baby and you know I could not live without her. But now I need to make every girl think this song’s about her. Just to make sure that they spread it like the plague. So I describe my dream girl as really really vague, like: I love your hands cos your fingerprints are like no other. I love your eyes and their blueish-brownish-greenish color. I love it when you smile that you smile wide. And I love how your torso has a arm on either side. If you’re my agent, you might be thinking: “Oh no!” “Sound the alarm!” “You’re not appealing” “to little girls” “who don’t have arms.” But they can’t use iTunes, so… FUCK them! Who needs them? Oh girl I ho… Oh! Hello Satan! [Lewd noises] Satan you taste so good! repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. Everybody! [Audience] repeat stuff… [Audience] .repeat stuff.. [Audience] ..repeat stuff. [Audience] repeat stuff… C’mon, louder. I can’t hear you. [Audience] repeat stuff… [Audience] .repeat stuff. [Audience] ..repeat stuff. [Audience] repeat stuff… [Laughter] + [Applause] Young ones, listen up! I’m in magazines, full of model teens so far above you. So read them and hate your self. And pay me to tell you I love you. [Gasps: “I love you”] And your parents will always come along. Because their little girl is in love! And how can love be wrong? How can love be wrong? When you repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .rep… [Garbled voice] …I am a vessel… ….666… [Garbled voice] …Illuminati… We know it’s not right. We know it’s not funny. But we’ll stop beating this dead horse when it stops spiting out money. But until then… We will repeat stuff. [Music end] + [Applause] Thank you so much, you guys have been… Um… you guys have been absolutely amazing. You’ve been absolutely amazing. That’s the end of the show. I probably should have ended it on a sort of higher note there. But yeah, that’s the end of “what.” I hope you liked it… [Girl voice] Bo! [Girl voice] Oh my god! [Girl voice] How are you? [Girl voice] I have not seen you [Girl voice] since like freshman year. [Girl voice] Oh my god! [Girl voice] You were so like skinny [Girl voice] And weird back then. [Girl voice] But now you’re… Um… [Girl voice] Anyway… Um… [Girl voice] You should totally come [Girl voice] to this party I’m having tonight [Girl voice] with some of my college friends. [Girl voice] It’s gonna be off the chain hook! [Girl voice] It’s gonna be so good. [Girl voice] You can play some songs for us, [Girl voice] or something. [Girl voice] I’ve been telling everybody [Girl voice] how good a friends we were [Girl voice] Back in the day. [Girl voice] I know we never talked [Girl voice] or hung out ever, but… Um… [Girl voice] I think that’s what made [Girl voice] our friendship so special, you know. [Girl voice] Anyway, text me. OK. Bye. [Guy voice] Mr. Burnham? [Guy voice] How you doing? [Guy voice] Good? Good. [Guy voice] I’m a… I’m a agent [Guy voice] from out Los Angeles. [Guy voice] Really dig your stuff man. [Guy voice] It’s out there. You know. [Guy voice] I totally get it. [Guy voice] And the best part about it man, [Guy voice] you got all these young fans. [Guy voice] And… Which is great [Guy voice] Because young people, [Guy voice] they’re… they’re very passionate, [Guy voice] they’re very… Um… reliable consumers. [Guy voice] But what you gotta do [Guy voice] in order to take your career [Guy voice] to the next level, [Guy voice] you gotta cater more heavily to them. [Guy voice] Alright, we’ve done studies, [Guy voice] young people do not respond [Guy voice] to this, you know, introspective material [Guy voice] these challenges to the form, you know. [Guy voice] Young people want jokes [Guy voice] they can relate to. OK? [Guy voice] So… Write a… [Guy voice] Write a silly song about Facebook [Guy voice] you know, write some jokes [Guy voice] about Twitter, [Guy voice] or sugary cereal, [Guy voice] or razor scooters. [Guy voice] Relate to them. [Guy voice] You know, also [Guy voice] you gotta reestablish your presence [Guy voice] on the internet buddy. Alright? [Guy voice] It’s not important weather [Guy voice] the material is good or not. [Guy voice] What’s important is [Guy voice] that you keep the Bo Burnham brand [Guy voice] Alive and well. [Guy voice] You get it? Cool. [Guy voice] We’ll discuss more later [Guy voice] I know it’s a lot. [Guy voice] My number is 310… 555… [Bro voice] Fag! [Bro voice] What up dude! [Bro voice] What’s up? How are you man? [Bro voice] You’ve changed bro. [Bro voice] You’ve changed. [Bro voice] I never knew you. [Bro voice] But my friends old room mate’s friend [Bro voice] said he knew you in highschool [Bro voice] and that you became a real asshole [Bro voice] once all this comedy stuff started happening. [Bro voice] What is it man? [Bro voice] You think you are better then us? [Bro voice] You think you are better then us [Bro voice] just because you are tall? [Bro voice] Woah, congrats man, you are tall. [Bro voice] Wow! That’s incredible. [Bro voice] Woah! You want a trophy [Bro voice] for being tall? [Bro voice] You wonna… We should just give [Bro voice] trophies to tall things [Bro voice] and every tree, and building [Bro voice] will have a trophy. [Bro voice] Does that make sense? [Bro voice] Yo? Why are you acting [Bro voice] all quiet and weird right now? [Bro voice] Yo I know why you are. [Bro voice] It’s cos you are an arrogant prick, [Bro voice] that’s why. An arrogant fucking prick! [Bro voice] I once herd that you [Bro voice] actually act quiet because [Bro voice] you are shy and introverted in real life, [Bro voice] and that people should not expect [Bro voice] you to act the same way [Bro voice] off stage as you do on stage. [Bro voice] Ha ha! Yeah, yeah… [Bro voice] That makes no sense. [Bro voice] Anyway, you wanna buy some weed? [Girl voice] Bo! Oh my god! [Girl voice] Bo! Oh my god! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Oh my god! [Guy voice] Mr. Burnham. Bo! Bo! [Bro voice] Fag! Bo! Oh my god! Mr. Burnham. Bo! Bo! Fag! Bo! Oh my god! Mr. Burnham. [This keeps going…] [Applause] I am Satan, lord of darkness! [Crickets] [Punching noises] [Girl voice] What the hell? [Punching noises] [Girl voice] You’re not gonna hit the girl? [Girl voice] That’s sexist! [Bro voice] We think you’ve changed, bro. [Guy voice] We know best. [Girl voice] You suck! We think you’ve changed, bro. We know best. You suck! We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You [Starts playing music over voices] | Bo What? Old MacDonald had a farm E I E I O And on that farm he had a pig E I E I O Here a snort There a Old MacDonald had a farm E I E I O [Applause] This is Bo Burnham. He’s 22 years old. He’s a male. And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen Degeneres. He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples. He’s isolated himself over the last 5 years in pursuit of comedy. And, in doing so, has lost touch with reality. You’re an asshole, Bo. You hear me? You think you know better than me. You think you know better than everybody. You will die alone. And you will deserve it. But in the meantime, you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours. See if that helps. [Up beat music starts] You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny. But now you’re contractially obligated so dance you fucking monkey. DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE! Welcome to the show this is Bo, this is his show. And Bo likes to dance like this. Welcome to the show, this is Bo this is his show. And Bo takes off his pants like this. Play an invisible drum. [Invisible drum sounds] Play an invisible trumpet. Trumpet sound! Drink some invisible water, OH SHIT! That water is real! Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. Random voice Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. Lick your lips to make it more comforting. Do you wanna see a magic trick? Yeah! Do you wanna see a magic trick? Yeah! Do you wanna see a magic trick? Then pick a card any card. SIKE! Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real. Or is it? And at that moment, Bo’s 20-year-old cynicism melted into childlike wonder. He never knew there could be so much magic in the world. It’s a world of possibilities, Bo. What do you wanna do first? Run? Yeah, sure you can run. Fly? Well yeah, you can fly. What? What are you… What the fuck you… What the fuck are you doing? Stop- St- Stop it! What the f- You fucking idiot, stop. Stop. Stop. Anyways. In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud about being called one in high school. He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard. Bo knew that he’d have to answer a riddle to get by. The troll spoke thus: “All right, for the last time man, I’m not a troll.” “I’m homeless.” “Okay? Do you have any spare change?” “Okay, that’s a used napkin.” “I don’t want that.” “No. No, stop. Just-” “You know, leave. Just leave. Please leave.” And then, as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage, he saw a unicorn with 5 horns right in front of him. And the pentacorn spoke thus: “Hello, Bo!” ‘I’ve been looking for you for quite a long time no-” [Gunshots] [Reloading] [Gunshots] He was safe. For now… But the dark thoughts would soon return. IT’S GODZILLA! AAAAHHHHH!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! [Screeching] OH MY GOD AHHHHH!!!! [Screeching] GODZILLA!! AAAAAUUUGGHHHHHH!!! [Screeching] It’s so hard to be a lizard. It’s hard to be a lizard. Tiny arms, itchy gizzard. It’s hard to be a lizard. But it’s harder to segue. Is he skiing? Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? What? Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? Huh! Or is he in a gay porn? Here’s a hint. He’s in a gay porn. Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying. So give ’em the real thing! [Autotuned] My voice is so fucking natural. [Autotuned] It’s naturally good. [Out of tune] Naturally good! Na-a-a-aturally good. This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show. Welcome to the show! [Applause] That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid. Anyway, San Francisco! Yeah! We are a place. We are a place. In California- Um, I’d like to, uh, I’d like to start with a joke for my male audience. Uh, this is a joke for the fellas. Where are my fellas at? FELLAS?! [Fellas respond] Yo, fellas don’t you hate it when you’re blowing a guy and he ends up being a faggot? AM I RIGHT?! I’ve been blowing a faggot this whole time? Third time this week. Thank you so much. We’re having fun… This, um- This show is called “what”. And I hope there are some surprises for you, or someth- Jesus, sorry. It’s a good start. Uh, hope there’s- He meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you all thought it was an accident. But, he meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Art is a lie. Nothing is real! So, um, we uh- Grow up! Grow up with your applause. Stick it… He meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you all thought it was an acc– Just, don’t, if it’s on repeat it will repeat. Just… we can cut all this, so… We meant to play the track again. Yeah, yeah, yeah! But you all thought it was an accident. But, he meant to play the water track a-ga-ga-gain! Art’s still a lie. Nothing’s still real! Food jokes. Let’s do some food jokes. Segues are weird. Um… [Laughs] I had a hot dog for breakfast today, and afterwards I felt like this. Cos I couldn’t control my stools. Alright, Jesus… I’m glad you like poop based puns They will be a majority of the show. Never waste a moment, every moment can become a comedic moment. See. So… Just a little lesson for comedians. This first song, is called: “A world on fire” [Screaming] This next song, it’s a little bit… it’s a little bit longer then that one. And… Thank you. It’s about how sad I am, and I’m really sad, it’s called “Sad” [Piano music] It’s about all the sad stuff Just picture a depressed onion cutting it self. [Gasps] I met a homeless man named Rich. Isn’t that terrible? I saw a flyer for a lost dog, and the dog did not have any legs. I saw a diabetic kid, trick-or-treating. I saw a giraffe who had a short neck. That was sad, or a dear? I saw an old man get hit by a train. He didn’t see it in the pouring rain. He didn’t hear me shout: “look out for the train!” Cos I didn’t say anything. I just thought to my self: “Ooh, this is going to be sad.” And it was. I’m a genius. [gasps] I saw a man with only one eye, in a 3D movie. I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone directly on his mothers corpse! I saw a kitten stuck in a tree. Then the kitten jumped off and it hung it self, I saw a boy who had red hair. I went to a store looking for something to buy. But they only sold paintings of the same sad guy. No wait! This store sells mirrors, see what I did there? LETS ROCK! No. The worlds is so fucking sad bros. Pain. Genocide, war. Sexism, Racism. But I gotta remember there’s good things about it too. Like the fact that none of that is happening to me. Score! Still though it’s hard not to be sad about it. [to audience] How do you all do it? I’ve been telling you guys terribly sad things this whole song you haven’t been sad at all, you’ve been… You’ve been happy. No… You’ve been laughing. That’s it, laughter. That’s the key to everything. It’s the way to solve all the sadness in the world. I mean not for the people that are actually sad, but for people like us, that gotta fucking deal with them all the time. Being a comedian isn’t being an insensitive prick, capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public. It’s being a hero. The world isn’t sad, the world is funny. I’m a sociopath! I saw an old man slip and fall. Hey, what a fucking idiot. I saw a woman at her daughters funeral. Ha-ha-ha. Classic comedy. Everything that once was sad is somehow funny now. The holocaust and 9/11, that shit’s funny 24/7. Cos tragedy will be exclusively joked about. Because my empathy is bumming me out. God-bye sadness! Hello jokes. Thank you. [applause] I’ve got a really good joke about video editors. Video editors are so fucking… I think we should do a poem right now, if that’s OK? This poem is a little bit sappy, a little bit romantic, so we’ll get it out of the way now, and we’ll go back to the… Oops… the dirty stuff, you know. Everyone loves at a late show or whatever. OK It’s called: “I fuck sluts” [audience member yells] It’s not a roll call but thank you. Sluts! Sluts! [laughs] Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts. Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts. No ifs ands or buts. I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts! Nice girls are nice. But no good for nut sucking. They’ll need a serene night to green-light a buttfucking. But that’ll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking. Boo to the nice girls, praise be to slut fucking. I have a list. A list? Yes, a list of all the sluts I’ve missed. I’ve never fucked or sucked these sluts. And thus my nuts are fucking pissed. So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list. Another dumb cum-bucket struck from my nut sucking, suck it slut, slut fucking, bucket list. [applause] Yes, you hear the influences: Chaucer, Keats. Um… The pages are blank, I know it. Why am I lying to you? Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond. They can be skinny with big tits, or be skinny with small ones. Sluts can be perky, prepy or posh, with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash. Excuse me. But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart. These sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science music or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. But don’t trust there sluts, Don’t, don’t you dare. They’ll force you to trust them and love them and care. And then they’ll be gone and you’ll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there. Thank you very much. [applause] So, he was lashing out with sexist language cos he had his heart broken. We all learn something. Thank you all for coming. I know some of my bits are a little bit fast and dense, a little bit hard to follow, particularly that one. So I want to do something a little bit slower, for the people, maybe the older people in the crowd, or something, so umm… [laughter] This’s for you: Here’s a slow joke. [slowdown sound] [talking in slo-mo] What did the ear of corn say [talking in slo-mo] when all of it’s clothes fell off? [talking in slo-mo] Aww, shucks! [talking in slo-mo] Get it? [talking in slo-mo] Like “shucks” as in shucking corn [talking in slo-mo] and also “shucks” the exclamation. [talking in slo-mo] Am I right? [laughter] [speedup sound] Good. We’re having fun. Umm… My father recently told me that I act too flamboyant on stage. And I said: “really dad?” “Prove it!” [laughter] He sad: “Well what about that joke” “where you throw confetti at the end of it?” I said: “well I haven’t written that joke yet,” “cos it’s based of this conversation!” “Gotcha!” Keep it, keep the struggle. We are having a lot of fun guys. Don’t worry, you don’t have to fill the silences with laughter or applause. I don’t want you leaving this show thinking: “My hands hurt from clapping.” “My stomach hurts from laughing.” I just want you leaving the show, thinking: “Meh… alright…” And we are on our way. I moved to, um… Hollywood recently from Boston, where I grew up and… [audience member yells] Places! And I… [laughs] I heard about these sort of wild Hollywood party nights that people would have and I did not think they were true. Until I moved to Hollywood and I started having them. Anyway, this is a song about a crazy night that happened a couple of weeks ago. It’s called: “What did I do last night?” [Electronic music starts] Yeah! Yeah! Hey! Hey! Hey! What did I do last night? I cried my self to sleep! [Music stops] [Laughter] [applause] It was a good one. When did my mother first describe gay sex to me? Good question, I was 8 years old… I was 8 years old, she brought me into the dining room, she sat right across the table from me. She said: “Do you know how your father and I love each other” I said: “Of course.” “You and dad love each other” “more then two people could possible love each other.” She said: “Well two men can love each other in the exact same way” “that your father and I love each other.” She said: “what happens when two men love each other like that.” “What they do is, they take off all their clothes” “Umm.. they get into bed” “And they SHIT ON THE BIBLE!” [laughter] So I don’t talk to her anymore. OK [80’s sf sounds] [Robotic voice] Hello patient #24602 Hi. I’m sorry. [Robotic voice] How are you feeling? Not great. [Robotic voice] Has the treatment been working? No, it hasn’t been. [Robotic voice] What are your remaining symptoms? I just… I internalise my feelings. I have trouble articulati… Like, other people, and relating to them… [Robotic voice] So basically you’re still a little bitch? Real mature of you, disembodied voice. [Robotic voice] I was just joking n i g g e r. [laughter] We are right by Oakland, careful with that shit. [Robotic voice] I’m not human, I can say whatever I want. Alright, Just get to the… What, what’s wrong with me, please. [Robotic voice] Your emotions and your logic are at war. OK. [Robotic voice] Your creativity and your analysis are at war. [Robotic voice] And most simply [Robotic voice] Your left and your right brain are at war. My left and my right… ? [Robotic voice] To fix the problem [Robotic voice] We must separate them from each other. Separa… [Robotic voice] Splitting your neurological functions in: [5] [4] [3] We book an appointment. [2 … 1] You don’t just start counting down. [Robotic voice] This may hurt a bit I don’t even know what “it” is. [Robotic voice] Zero. Just… [high pitched robotic sounds] [Robotic voice] Isolation complete. [Robotic voice] This is Bo’s left brain. [Robotic voice] Objective. Logical. Cold. [Robotic voice] Analytical. Aware of patterns. [Robotic voice] Aware of trends. [Robotic voice] He’s efficient. [Robotic voice] And a prick. [Robotic voice] This is Bo’s right brain. [Robotic voice] Subjective. Creative. Sensory. [Robotic voice] Aware of feelings. [Robotic voice] Aware of people. [Robotic voice] He’s emotional. Yes. [Robotic voice] And an idiot. That’s your opinion… So just… Be careful with opinions… Yooo! [Robotic voice] Play nice. I am the left brain. I am the left brain. I work really hard to my inevitable death brain. You’ve got a job to do, you better do it right. And the right way is with the left brains might. I like Oreos and pussy! Yeah! ok! And I cried for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3. I am the right brain. I have feelings. I’m a little all over the place, but I’m lustful, trustful, and I’m looking for somebody to love. And put my penis in! Here comes a female, here comes a female. Puff your chest out take your phone and check your e-mail our evolutionary purpose is repopulate, so gather data now and see if she’s a possible mate. Holy fuck! I think she might be the one! There’s something about her, I just can’t describe it. Tits. I am the earth she is the glorious sun. I want her to trust me, and I just want her to sit on my face. Sit… sit… Alright new right brain, you’re being insane. No left brain! I’m just being alive! You should try it. You might like it. I worked hard to give him everything he cared about. You were worried about the things he was scared about. I’m calm and collected when you act wild. I am the adult, you are the child. You think you are the right one every time. You think you know everything. You don’t know anything at all. Half of his problems were supposed to be mine. But you wanted everything. I hope that you’re happy. Cos he’s sure not. Well according to my calculations, you are a pussy! Name calling? Really? We’re going to do name calling? We are not calling names. We are just stating facts. And the fact is: You’re a quivering pussy. I’m the pussy? Well at least I don’t play with toys still. OK, Rubik’s cubes are not toys. They keep my spacial reasoning skills sharp. Left brain plays with toys. Look at you, Johnny fucking… toy player! Well at least I did my fucking job. I kept him working, I kept him productive. You were supposed to look after him. You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable through all this, now you are trying to blame me for how he’s feeling. How he’s feeling? If he’s feeling unhappy, it’s because you failed him. You did this to him, he hates you I know he does. He fucking hates you! [crying] Right brain, look, I’m sorry. No you’re not… Look, maybe there’s something that we could do together. Together? Take the best parts of both of us. And put them together. I’m listening… It would let you let your feelings out, it would let me analyse. So you could man the themes, I’ll man the form. It’s something that George Carlin did, It’s something that Steve Martin did, It’s something special that we could both perform. Do you know what it is? Juggling? We could juggle, and juggle our cares away! It was comedy. We could do comedy together. [Robotic voice] Initiate reassembly. Alright, right brain, we are going to do comedy together. Altight left brain, I’ll do comedy with you. Look, we can fix him like this. Make him happy again. I promise. Left brain… Left brain I love you! I know. [Robotic voice] Experimentation complete. Thank you very much. [applause] At this part of the show I’d like to talk about how deep I am. [laughter] [piano music] I’m pretty fucking deep… deep… deep… So deep… That I called this song… Hash-tag deep. Have you ever stopped to watch a bluebird drop from a tree and take to the air? Me neither. Have you ever took time out to finish a rhyme but the right words just weren’t there? Meat cleaver. The people in my life, are like grains of sand. Cos they stick together. Often near my butthole. If life is an ocean, I am a deep and handsome fish. A fish that’s drowning. If the artistic process is a birth canal then I am a freshly jellied kid, come witness my crowning. These thoughts of mine, must be a sign that I’m, hash-tag deep. If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land? Have you ever accidentally peed on the toilet seat instead of on your girlfriends face. Me neither. Me neither! Have you ever wrote a song note for note, and not a single note was out of place. [out of tune playing] The people in my life, are like blades of grass. How? Cos they’re all so grounded, But at least grass stays away from my BUTTHOLE! Art is a harlot, and I am her sassy urban friend. Oooh… That’s why you’re being so selfish. If mamma is right, and the world is my oyster, then I must have an allergy to shell… You don’t know, how could you know? If life makes you wish you were dead. Just put on a good movie then promptly put a bullet in your head. Spend forever asleep. Cos life pales in comparison to living the dream. Hash-tag deep. [music ends] Thank you. [applause] [happy music starts playing] [music stops] [sad music] Don’t you hate it when that happens? Yeah. Thank you, That’s called: “Beating off in A minor”. Yes… Yes… “A-minor”, the key, not the felony. So… I believe… [laughs] I believe there’s nothing more manly one can do then take a shower with 5 other guys. It’s true. It’s early caveman, Cro-Magnon, wandering though the fog. You know scrubbing 5 other sapiens, no homo. [laughter] I’d like to do… erm… do some poems right now. Erm… if that’s OK? We’re at this point at the show. These poems are actually… I’m releasing this special for free so I’m going to plug my poetry book. These are my new poems from my poetry book called “Egghead”. That will be out by the time this is airing. But not by the time you guys are seated here right now. They are pretty serious, and it’s all just sort of… This is usually the lull of the show. Usually. So i like at this point to sort of take the pressure of the audience. And just read some poems, and then we’ll go back to the giggles. So… This is a poem by a dog: “Roses are gray. Violets are a different shade of gray.” “Let’s go chase cars.” [Applause] + [Chimes] “Me. With my strange choice of adjectives.” “You with your muscular teeth and your clockwise vagina.” [Chimes] “I put a chameleon on a red dildo.” Well… “He blushed!” There we go. [Chimes] This is a poem about beauty, about self image, and about the ability to transform. “Martha was ugly, like a shaven baboon.” “So she wrapped her self up” “in a curtain cocoon.” “And after a week she finally emerged.” “She smelled like shit! What a psycho.” [Chimes] + [Laughter] “You’re incomparable.” “Like a … ” [Chimes] + [Laughter] + [Applause] “I want to beat you to death with a blunt object!” “I want to grab one of those” “high end fashion manikins by the ankles” “and bash your rib cage in!” “I want to sharpen 15 pencils” “bind them with a rubber band” “stick the lead in your mouth” “and punch the erasers!” “I want to strap you to a bed of nails” “then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car” “so I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps” “in a mall parking lot during an earthquake!” “I want you to somehow survive” “a terrible car crash and then somehow” “not survive a small fender bender” “on the way back from a hospital.” [Chimes] + [Laughter] Thank you that’s called “Dad”. [Laughter] + [Applause] This is a poem… It’s really a story that’s meant primarily for children. But I think it’s got a lesson we could all learn. “The squares lived happily.” “In their square houses.” “In their square yard.” “In their square town.” “But then one day,” “a family of circles moved in from the west” “Get out of here roundies!” “Shouted one of the squares.” “Why? Said one of the circles” “Cos this is a metaphor for racism” [Chimes] + [Laughter] + [Applause] “When I walk into a party” “you’d think I was one of those long straight Tetris pieces” “cos everyone’s just like: Oh yeah. This guy’s here” “Finally we’ve been waiting for him to show up” Like you wait… in the game… Forget it. [Laughter] No. You had your chance. “If I had a million dollars” “I’d pay your mother to have sex with me” “afterwards I’d probably invest the remaining $999.990” Ten dollars for sex with your mother. Comedy! I smell comedy. Well, it was comedy giving off that scent. And finally: “Mid October,” “with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings.” “The streets dicing our town into neat, unfair portions.” “And me.” “Eating that pussy baby!” [Laughter] + [Applause] Thank you so much. Um… There’s things that I don’t want to come across in my show, that I worry often come across, about me, cos people don’t realize it’s an act up here. I don’t want you to ever think that I think that I’m better then people. or that i think I know better then people. Um… anyway, sorry. OK. This is a song from the perspective of God. [Laughter] + [Applause] + [Piano music] Books you think I wrote are way to thick. Who needs a thousand metaphos to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick. And I don’t watch you when you sleep Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep. You’re not going to heaven. Why the fuck would you think I’d ever kick it with you? None of you are going to heaven. There’s a trillion aliens cooler then you. You shouldn’t abstain from rape just cos you think that I want you to. You shouldn’t rape cos rape is a fucked up thing to do. Pretty obvious, just don’t fucking rape people. Didn’t think I needed to write that one down for you. I don’t think masturbation is obscene. It’s absolutely natural and the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. You make my job a living hell. I send gays to fix overpopulation. Boy did that go well. You’re not going to heaven. Eat a thousand crackers, sing a million hymns. None of you are going to heaven. You’re not my children, you are a bad game of sim. You shouldn’t abstain from pork just cos you think that I want you to. You can eat pork cos why the fuck would I give a shit? I created the universe, you think I’m drawing the line at the fucking deli isle? [Laughter] + [applause] You argue and you bicker and you fight. Atheists and Catholics, Jews and Hindus argue day and night. Over what they think is true. But no one entertains the thought, that maybe God does not Believe in you. You pray so badly for heaven. Knowing any day might be the day that you die. But maybe life on earth could be heaven? Doesn’t just the thought of it make it worth a try? My love’s the type of thing that you have to earn. And when you earn it you won’t need it. My love’s the type of thing that you have to earn. And when you earn it you won’t need it. I’m not gonna give you love just cos I know that you want me to. If you want love then the love has gotta come from you. [Music ends] + [Applause] [Rock music] “Walking between the micorphones” “is really awkward.” Tell me about it. Um… Women are stupid! Yeah I fucking said it. They are the weaker, dumber sex. I can prove it to you. I like to practice safe sex. Why? Cos I’m a guy. And I’m smarter. What do women say, every time? Every time i put on a condom, what do they say? “Why are you wearing a condom?” “I’m fucking you with a strap-on.” To be safe bitch! Women right, they’re the dumb ones. It’s time for a story. Let’s do a story. [Happy music] “It’s time for a story.” “It’s time for a story.” “A very special story” “Especially for you.” “It’s time for a story.” “It’s time for a story!” “Sit down and listen now.” “Don’t be a Jew.” This story is called… It’s a glitch! You can be Jewish. This story… This story is called: “Andy the frog”. Featuring long and convoluted similes. And I’ll warn you when one of those long and convoluted similes rears it’s old, head. So here we go: “Once upon a time, there was a frog name Andy.” [Frog noise] “Andy lived at the patent park pond.” “And he never hopped anywhere else” “in his entire frog life.” “He had three best friends:” “Milly, who never left her lily pad.” [Laughs] “Billy, who was always hopping mad.” “And Roger, who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn.” [Laughter] “So one day…” “One day…” “Andy saw something hop across the grass” “on the other side of the pond.” “Milly, Billy, Roger, look! -Said Andy.” “Across the pond stood” “The most beautiful frog Andy had ever seen.” “She’s gorgeous! -Said Milly.” “She’s beautiful! -Said Billy.” “A bit old for my taste! -Said Roger.” “Classic Roger!” “And then she was gone.” “I need to go find her! -Said Andy.” “I need to follow my little frog heart.” “So Andy followed the beautiful frogs footsteps into the forest.” “He then came across a turtle.” “You can’t pass! -Said the turtle.” “Please? -Said Andy.” “No! -Said the turtle.” And this is the first long convoluted simile: “Then there was a rustling in the bushes.” “And, like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle,” “the turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle.” [Laughter] + [Applause] “Andy kept moving, but at this point,” “like the doctor of the Kenyan track team” “his patience ran thin.” “Andy kept moving.” [Laughter] “He then came across a giant crocodile.” “And the crocodile began to chant:” “I woke up this morning,” “And I sat on a log.” “I opened up the menu,” “the menu said FROG!” [Laughs] “Andy said: No! No! Please let go of me!” “I can feel my self dying!” “You’re ripping out my insides!” “I’m never going to find her, am i?” “There’s no God, Is there?” “Fuck!” “FUCK!!!!” The end. The end! So, that’s the end of that story. [Applause] + [Laughter] If you are curious, the moral of that story is irrelevant, cos we are humans. Why would it apply to us? Um… You know my father is so hard to get along with. Cos he’s such a man’s man. You know? He believes, like, for example: You should always fight fire with fire. Which is a horrible way to live your life. Especially for him, because he’s a firefighter so… He was fired… That was as stupid as we get. But let’s get a little stupider, ha? “There’s a creepy old man” “fishing in a park.” “and the only problem is” “he tied a candy bar” “to the end of his line.” “He’s trying to catch a kid.” You know that stuff… Trying to get a little more mainstream. [Laughs] Um… People complain about the way I act on stage very often, you know. They say, like, I repeat jokes. Or they also say that They say… They don’t get again, that this is an act, on stage. They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solipsistic, self-contained, synonyms. And they want me to be… They want me to be a comic of the people. You know. Relate to the people with the overarching glue of comedy. So I want to do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys. I’m like you guys, you know. Once a week I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I loose all my sense of oneness and self worth. Ha-ha! And what I like to do in order to assure my self that I am unique, and not just one of many small white indistinguishable perfectly cylindric checker pieces in Jesus and Satan’s backgammon game. Is, I will… I’ll say a group a words that I think no one has ever said. in that order. So that… when I say it, I feel like: “look at me!” Participating in this new moment that no one’s ever been a part of. So I’ll say something random like like: “Peanut-butter tribadism.” Or: “I’m your father and I loved your comedy show.” Or: “At first I wasn’t comfortable leaving him alone with my children” “but then I saw his mustache. Phew…” Or um… Or: “Yo! Check out this Amish website!” Or um… Or: “I work at a toll booth and I don’t want to kill my self.” Or… That’s… too… Too real. Or: “Yo man! Life’s about three things man,” “Three things!” “Gettin’ money!” “Gettin’ pussy!” “And the Dewey Decimal System!” Or… Um… Or: “Hey! Can you hold my fanny pack I’m gonna go fuck a woman.” [Laughter] + [Applause] Um… If i could break… I want to tank you all for being here because I… I’m so grateful that you’d all come here and spend an hour of your time with me. And if you are watching at home or whatever. On a computer or something. If you have made it this far, That you very much for watching. Genuinely… I… This is my favorite thing to do. And I’m so grateful for people watching it and enjoying it. Um… OK. I will now recede back into my stage persona [Scoffs] [Piano music] I just blacked out for 20 seconds. Thank you for coming. Love songs used to be so beautiful. You know: “Let us go then, you and I.” “When the evening is spread out against the sky” “like a patient etherised upon a table” -T. S. Eliot. Beautiful. Love songs now a days Just as beautiful, guys! Usher, Justin Bieber, 1D. You know them. But these new artists they’ve done something very strange to the format of the love song they’ve changed it a bit. And I try to… capture how they’ve changed the format of the love song with this love song. I hope you enjoy it and mark the differences. Jason Derulo. I love your hair, I love your name, I love the way you say it. I love your heart and you’re so smart cos you gave away it. I love your sis, I love your dad, And I love your mom. But more then all of that I love the fact that you are dumb enough, to not realise everything I’ve said has been said before in a thousand ways in a thousand songs sung with the same four chords. But you’ll still love it and let me finger you. YEAAA! FINGER YOU!! FINGER YOU!!! Oh girl, i hope you don’t think that I’m rude, when I tell you that I love you boo. I also hope that see through this cleverly constructed ruse, designed by a marketing team cashing in on puberty and low self esteem and girls desperate need to feel loved. America says we love a chorus, but don’t get complicated and bore us. Though meaning might be missin’ We need to know the words after just one listen so repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. …repeat stuff. Yeah. Oh you know it? I love my baby and you know I could not live without her. But now I need to make every girl think this song’s about her. Just to make sure that they spread it like the plague. So I describe my dream girl as really really vague, like: I love your hands cos your fingerprints are like no other. I love your eyes and their blueish-brownish-greenish color. I love it when you smile that you smile wide. And I love how your torso has a arm on either side. If you’re my agent, you might be thinking: “Oh no!” “Sound the alarm!” “You’re not appealing” “to little girls” “who don’t have arms.” But they can’t use iTunes, so… FUCK them! Who needs them? Oh girl I ho… Oh! Hello Satan! [Lewd noises] Satan you taste so good! repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. Everybody! [Audience] repeat stuff… [Audience] .repeat stuff.. [Audience] ..repeat stuff. [Audience] repeat stuff… C’mon, louder. I can’t hear you. [Audience] repeat stuff… [Audience] .repeat stuff. [Audience] ..repeat stuff. [Audience] repeat stuff… [Laughter] + [Applause] Young ones, listen up! I’m in magazines, full of model teens so far above you. So read them and hate your self. And pay me to tell you I love you. [Gasps: “I love you”] And your parents will always come along. Because their little girl is in love! And how can love be wrong? How can love be wrong? When you repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .rep… [Garbled voice] …I am a vessel… ….666… [Garbled voice] …Illuminati… We know it’s not right. We know it’s not funny. But we’ll stop beating this dead horse when it stops spiting out money. But until then… We will repeat stuff. [Music end] + [Applause] Thank you so much, you guys have been… Um… you guys have been absolutely amazing. You’ve been absolutely amazing. That’s the end of the show. I probably should have ended it on a sort of higher note there. But yeah, that’s the end of “what.” I hope you liked it… [Girl voice] Bo! [Girl voice] Oh my god! [Girl voice] How are you? [Girl voice] I have not seen you [Girl voice] since like freshman year. [Girl voice] Oh my god! [Girl voice] You were so like skinny [Girl voice] And weird back then. [Girl voice] But now you’re… Um… [Girl voice] Anyway… Um… [Girl voice] You should totally come [Girl voice] to this party I’m having tonight [Girl voice] with some of my college friends. [Girl voice] It’s gonna be off the chain hook! [Girl voice] It’s gonna be so good. [Girl voice] You can play some songs for us, [Girl voice] or something. [Girl voice] I’ve been telling everybody [Girl voice] how good a friends we were [Girl voice] Back in the day. [Girl voice] I know we never talked [Girl voice] or hung out ever, but… Um… [Girl voice] I think that’s what made [Girl voice] our friendship so special, you know. [Girl voice] Anyway, text me. OK. Bye. [Guy voice] Mr. Burnham? [Guy voice] How you doing? [Guy voice] Good? Good. [Guy voice] I’m a… I’m a agent [Guy voice] from out Los Angeles. [Guy voice] Really dig your stuff man. [Guy voice] It’s out there. You know. [Guy voice] I totally get it. [Guy voice] And the best part about it man, [Guy voice] you got all these young fans. [Guy voice] And… Which is great [Guy voice] Because young people, [Guy voice] they’re… they’re very passionate, [Guy voice] they’re very… Um… reliable consumers. [Guy voice] But what you gotta do [Guy voice] in order to take your career [Guy voice] to the next level, [Guy voice] you gotta cater more heavily to them. [Guy voice] Alright, we’ve done studies, [Guy voice] young people do not respond [Guy voice] to this, you know, introspective material [Guy voice] these challenges to the form, you know. [Guy voice] Young people want jokes [Guy voice] they can relate to. OK? [Guy voice] So… Write a… [Guy voice] Write a silly song about Facebook [Guy voice] you know, write some jokes [Guy voice] about Twitter, [Guy voice] or sugary cereal, [Guy voice] or razor scooters. [Guy voice] Relate to them. [Guy voice] You know, also [Guy voice] you gotta reestablish your presence [Guy voice] on the internet buddy. Alright? [Guy voice] It’s not important weather [Guy voice] the material is good or not. [Guy voice] What’s important is [Guy voice] that you keep the Bo Burnham brand [Guy voice] Alive and well. [Guy voice] You get it? Cool. [Guy voice] We’ll discuss more later [Guy voice] I know it’s a lot. [Guy voice] My number is 310… 555… [Bro voice] Fag! [Bro voice] What up dude! [Bro voice] What’s up? How are you man? [Bro voice] You’ve changed bro. [Bro voice] You’ve changed. [Bro voice] I never knew you. [Bro voice] But my friends old room mate’s friend [Bro voice] said he knew you in highschool [Bro voice] and that you became a real asshole [Bro voice] once all this comedy stuff started happening. [Bro voice] What is it man? [Bro voice] You think you are better then us? [Bro voice] You think you are better then us [Bro voice] just because you are tall? [Bro voice] Woah, congrats man, you are tall. [Bro voice] Wow! That’s incredible. [Bro voice] Woah! You want a trophy [Bro voice] for being tall? [Bro voice] You wonna… We should just give [Bro voice] trophies to tall things [Bro voice] and every tree, and building [Bro voice] will have a trophy. [Bro voice] Does that make sense? [Bro voice] Yo? Why are you acting [Bro voice] all quiet and weird right now? [Bro voice] Yo I know why you are. [Bro voice] It’s cos you are an arrogant prick, [Bro voice] that’s why. An arrogant fucking prick! [Bro voice] I once herd that you [Bro voice] actually act quiet because [Bro voice] you are shy and introverted in real life, [Bro voice] and that people should not expect [Bro voice] you to act the same way [Bro voice] off stage as you do on stage. [Bro voice] Ha ha! Yeah, yeah… [Bro voice] That makes no sense. [Bro voice] Anyway, you wanna buy some weed? [Girl voice] Bo! Oh my god! [Girl voice] Bo! Oh my god! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Oh my god! [Guy voice] Mr. Burnham. Bo! Bo! [Bro voice] Fag! Bo! Oh my god! Mr. Burnham. Bo! Bo! Fag! Bo! Oh my god! Mr. Burnham. [This keeps going…] [Applause] I am Satan, lord of darkness! [Crickets] [Punching noises] [Girl voice] What the hell? [Punching noises] [Girl voice] You’re not gonna hit the girl? [Girl voice] That’s sexist! [Bro voice] We think you’ve changed, bro. [Guy voice] We know best. [Girl voice] You suck! We think you’ve changed, bro. We know best. You suck! We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You [Starts playing music over voices] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-silverman-jesus-is-magic-2005-full-transcript/ | Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic (2005) – Transcript | sarah silverman | I said ‘Shut up, you stupid twat’ And… – Oh my God. – I know. Because… And then I’m like: ‘Oh fuck, what did I just do?’ But then the audience loved it. They went nuts. And she looked like an idiot, like they’re all like, she is a stupid twat that should shut up. – That’s awesome. – So it was like felt really good. So that’s on the record. It’s all like… So many more copies. Called someone a stupid twat on it. Who knows. I just glut out the record finally. It’s so good, so good. Perhaps I’m a bit producing it. It’s crazy. Wow! And then this book. The stupid idea I had about how guys are jerks. I went on Oprah with it. Oh my God, why didn’t you tell me? I would have loved to see that. I didn’t know how would it go, I wanted it away. You know. – Can I come on to? – Yeah, for sure. Oh my God, that’s so cool. What’s going on with you? What about that pilot?
– I got it. – Awesome. I know. I’m waiting to hear for it’s gonna get picked up. And that looks really good. They really like it. Awesome! It’s so great! And Dacky was in it. Cause I brought him to the table reading they needed a dog for one scene and then like “He’s perfect”
He is perfect. And then I sold that script to this Comedy Central. – A sports thing. – Sport show of all things. I know. I don’t even know anything about sports. Who loves. It’s concept, I guess. What about a…
What about you? What’s been going on? I haven’t seen you in a while.
So much. – Wow, really? – Yeah. I’m doing a lot. So… You’ve been getting out a lot.
I actually wrote a show. Wow, cool. Are you shopping it around or…? No it’s doing it. I mean it’s… – I mean it’s gonna be on. It’s a show.
– On TV?
No, but it’s actually like a play slash movie. – It’s cool. Like in a theatre. – Wow. Yeah. It sounds amazing.
What is it? What’s it about? Are you like the star of it? What is it?
It’s about a … the Holocaust. Yeah. And it’s kind of a… But it’s funny. And it’s also musical.
– Oh my God, that sounds awesome.
– I know.
When are you doing it?
It’s a real opus, you know. You know what, tonight. And it’s actually tonight so I’d better skid detail.
– Right now?
– Yeah. I’ve got a bunch of stuff to do pre-pro.
Can we come see it? I wanna see it. Shit. It sold out. It’s totally sold out, every scene. I know, it sucks.
What if we just hang backstage and like watch from the wings or something? Yeah. Can we just be backstage? We can stand by the curtains and be quiet.
I can’t think why not. – So will you let us know…? – Yeah, sure, definitely. I’m excited. I’m totally excited. So see you guys tonight. – Good luck. – See you at the show.
Fuck! “Here I go again with my big mouth.”
“Spelling off like I got some going.”
“I wrote a show and it’s playing tonight?”
“I’m so foolish shit man. What was I thinking?”
“I gotta write a show but how am I gonna do a show. And I don’t even have a show to write.”
“I never wrote a show, but if I ever wrote a show, I bet that all of them would know and thinking bites.”
“You know what. Fuck down.”
“I could write a show.”
“I could write a show. I’ll just do it.”
“I’ll write a show.”
“All it takes is elbow grease”
“And I could write a show.”
“I’ll write a show tonight.”
“I hope I do it right.” “I could take this mixed up world and put it in a show.”
“I’ll write a show alright.” “And I’ll have it by tonight.” “All I need is a theatre space and a bag of weed and a star.”
“A star!”
“Great!”
“Good job, Sarah. I’m writing a whole show for tonight. I don’t even have a star. Who’s gonna be my star?” “She’s gotta be pretty and she’s gotta be smart.” “She’s gotta be funny and she’s gotta be hot.” “She’s gotta have a perfect smile just like me.”
“I just need a star but who could it be?”
“Julia Roberts?”
“Nah.”
“Nicole Kidman?”
“Are you kidding, man?”
“Sandra Bullock?”
“Sandra Bullock.”
“She’s gotta be the kind of girl that blows your mind,”
“She ought to be better than those three twats combined.”
“She’s gotta have a thing that you just can’t define.” Me. It’s me. You are beautiful. No. Not like this. Alright. I’ll do it. “I got what it takes. Got what it needs. Got what a show needs.”
“I, I’ll show them more, little of me. I’m what the world needs.”
“Hear the train coming it’s coming for me.”
“I’m going to Star Town.”
“Hear the train coming it’s coming for me.”
“I’m gonna be a star now.” I’m a comedian, that’s what I do. How do we become whatever it is that we become? How is he a lawyer, how is she a hooker? How are we whatever it is we become? I think what it is, it’s like as we grow up from child. You know. In our childhood we have all these disfunctions and they kind of… they melt together and they form a formula. An individual formula, it drives us to be whatever it is. We’re driven to be, you know. For comedians it’s definitely like any kind of humiliation, you know. I know for me. I was a bad wetter willing to my teens. And continue to have a bevy of, you know, unwanted hairs. And I… I was raped by a doctor, which is a so bitter-sweet for a Jewish girl. Thank you. I knew something good would come out of that. Out of rape. I am… I wear this saint Christopher medal sometimes because I’m Jewish but my boyfriend is Catholic and it was just…. It was cute the way he gave it to me, you know. He said if it doesn’t burn through my skin it will protect me. Who cares. Different religions, you know. I mean… I guess if you in time with an issue, I suppose would be like if you’re having a baby… You got to figure out like how you wanna raise your baby. …or whatever, you know. Which wouldn’t even still not be an issue for us because we’d be honest, you know… … and just say, you know like Mammy is one of the chosen people and … … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic. That’s not nice. You know Jesus is magic you know because he turn water to wine and he… I think he made the Stature of Liberty disappear. … or something. You know that Jews got all, you know they don’t want. But then Jesus movie came out, you know, and but now the Jews didn’t want people to see it. Because they felt… Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I’m one of the few people that believes it was the blacks. I don’t care. Good. I hope the Jews did kill Christ. I’d do it again, I’d fucking do it again on the second. By here is breaking stocks clacking. This way. My boyfriend and I were on like second or third stage, you know, we’re like… …we’re finally comfortable. You know around. Like I’m finally comfortable enough to pee in front of my boyfriend, which is so great, you know. Cause now I’m gonna try it in the bathroom. And… …we take showers together and you know it’s really… I guarantee if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time you step out of that shower your breasts will be sparkling clean. Sparkle in. I was licking jelly out of my boyfriend’s penis and all of a sudden… …all of a sudden I’m thinking “Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.” You know it’s like… Those clues. You know. Of becoming our parents. It’s scary. So scary. Try to get that lilts like that. It’s a fun. What if fun cut. So scary. Can I steal you for a minute? Like that kind of voice. I’m so into that. I don’t know why it’s fun. Can I steal you for a minute? I’m on a birth control pill. Cause I do a lot of fucking. But I want like I wanna try something else, because it’s really hormonian and… I’m always looking… I’m always asking my friends what they use for birth control. …take a little poll, like I ask my friend Charlie what he and his wife use for birth controlling. He said he just cums all over her face. I’m gonna try that. He has kids already. My boyfriend, he has kids. I mean they’re like… He’s got a boy and a girl, they’re nine and eleven. And they’re great. You know what, he actually made them those ages to commemorate 9/11, which I hate. You know it has a lot more than a pin. I always think like I should get on it if I wanna have kids. I just… You know, once you had thirty you know you’ve got to decide fast Cause it can be difficult to conceive, it can be dangerous. And the best time to have a baby is when you’re black teenager. I’m not like a hoydie-toydie kind of girl. I don’t wanna jewels. I’m not like… I don’t really… I’m not into jewelry or anything. I’m such a hypocrite. There’s a jewel that I think is … I guess I’m in such a jap. There is one jewel that I think is stunning. That I… It’s just like a classic. By jap I mean Japanese. But it’s a… It’s just gorgeous. You know. And it’s really… Its rare. You know it’s only found like on the tip of the tailbone of Ethiopian babies. They debone the babies. I know that sounds so bad when you say it out aloud. But no, if you saw it… So worth it. You know it’s like… How do I even describe it like a… …like if a diamond had that newborn baby smell. I have a moral issue with it obviously cause they’re treating the unions that debone the babies really bad. Pick your battles I guess. It’s so cute. I can’t wait till Sunday I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece. I shouldn’t have favorites, I know I shouldn’t but I just can’t help that she is crazy about me and I just love that in people. And I can make her laugh so easily. I’ve always been able to make her laugh. Like literally since she was a baby. I could make her laugh, which is so great. And you know what babies love. Ethnic jokes. She came out of the closet recently, my niece. Announced to the family that she is a lesbian. She is seven. Did I mention that? And I don’t even know she knows what a lesbian is. But I support her completely. I’ll tell you it’s heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound likable, but when you’re seven. You know, week is a long time. You know. It’s like… She goes to a school where the kids are not allowed to play tag on the playground. And the reason that they give is that they say, you know, if a kid loses a tag it could give him low self-esteem. First of all it’s fucking retarded. Okay. And, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t say that. And by retarded I mean, they can do anything. I think self-esteem is born out of things like, you know, I don’t know preserving pasts… …losing, you know, or getting through disappointment. Like that. Maybe we should be giving these kids a reason to win. We should be giving them motivation…. …you know, to win. I tell my niece every time she loses a tag an angel get AIDS. For instance. You have to speak her language. You know what I mean. I tell her, you know, that a beautiful angel… …gets full blown-ins. And you know what, she wins. So think about that. I tell her that when God gives you AIDS… When God does give you AIDS by the way? I don’t know.
Make lemonades. It’s called, it’s positive spin. You know. I mean it’s… That’s what we should steal from corporate America, you know. That’s what we should steal, one positive thing we should take from the man, you know. Is positive spin. The whole idea of taking something terrible, something tragic and spin it up into something good. And if American Airlines were smart their slogan would be: “American Airlines – first through the towers.” Because it is something in which they came firsts. Right? Right. Obviously I’m not trying to be literal of the events of the September 11. They were devastating. And they were beyond devastating. You know, I don’t wanna say especially for these people or especially for these people. But especially for me. Because it happened to be the same exact day that found out that the soy chai latte is like 900 calories. I had been drinking them everyday. Cause you hear soy. You know you think healthy. And it’s a lie. But it was also the day we were attacked. Devastating. Remember the rage, you know. And then there is no place to put it. Where do you put it? I’ll tell you what I did – domain names. I bought OsamaBinLaden.com, OsamaBinLaden.net, OsamaBinLaden.org. And who’s he gotta come to, big ass. Guess what, it’s not for sale. Looks like you’re gonna have to be Osama 1. And then who is laughing last – America. America is. Was a tough year for me, I actually… it was the same year I suit my manager for sexual harassment. which, I don’t know if you know anything about show business, but something that… …boy, you know for a struggling actress to suit her manager out here in Hollywood It’s something that … It takes a lot of guts to do. You know. Especially because he didn’t do anything. We were in Scotland for a tress camp. The whole agency went. Oh Jesus! – That’s horrible. What happened? – What the fuck is this, Karl? You got fire. What? What!? Wochie water. I’m fucking jam this up somebody’s ass. I mean come on Sarah. You asked for it. I asked you for use your jam up your own ass, Karl. Would you ask me for it? Fidgy water! I only drink Fidgy water Did you ask for Fidgy water? Cause I’ll… Okay, now I’m mad. Now you got me mad. I don’t drink this water. It tastes thick. Listen to me. I would break down walls for you okay? I will go into my guy’s office and I will personally, you know, masturbate him into a cup for you. Is that what you want? What do you want me to do? You wanna me go liposuction Herbie Weinstein… …and give you some of his fat? What is it you dream of? I wanna be a part of a Sarah’s dream. I want you to take your dreams and I want you to use me as a tool. And I want you to carve your dreams out of wood, real wood. Oak. And then I want you to… …deepen in what you lack. So they never change. Never change. What did the agency send you for the show? I told them to send you a gift. Cheese in sausage platter. Cheese in sausage? I wanna take this. I have an early morning meeting. Best part of a strawberry. Best part. Are you ready to do the show? No I’m not ready to do the show, because I can’t even lubricate my fuck damn throat. You know what. I’m gonna call… I’m gonna call Gogie Water and I’m gonna get mad at myself. I’ll get my phone number. I wish I had my cell. No, you know what, Karl. Forget it. Right. You just have my fucking understudy do it. You’re up for a show? Get out there and knock them dead, alright? This is so gay. I just promised myself that I’m… ..totally should stop the show for a second… But I just promised myself that I would… …dedicate this performance to my nana. Who although this mean I’ll be your cup of tea specifically. But she was very supportive of me. And we were very close. And she passed away a year ago. This is for you nana. I’m sorry. She was ninety-six so obviously I suspect fowl play. I am spending my own money and I’m getting her body exhumed. And I am going to get a full rape exam performed. And I’m gonna get to the bottom of this. And my parents are not behind me. What else is new? They never are. They don’t believe in me. So they’re wrong this time. That sucks for them. Oh God please let them find semen in my dead grandmother’s vagina. My shit and I’m sorry and that belongs offstage. “Can you blow your old nose, can you tie your own shoe?”
“If you had go grey once would you even know what to do?”
“When you make the duty is it in your pants?”
“Or trousers as they suddenly damp?”
“Are you mad because your grandson is gay?”
“Is it a bummer that your pubes are all grey?”
“When you clear your throat is it really disgusting?”
“Does it go on for hours and miles?”
“You’re gonna die soon, you’re gonna die soon.”
“It’s not cold in here you’re just dying.”
“You’re gonna die soon, you’re gonna die soon.”
“You in the back, you are dying soon.”
“You’re gonna die soon, you’re gonna die soon.”
“We’re all gonna die but not as soon as you, guys.”
“You’re gonna die, you’re gonna die. You’re dying.”
“Do you think I’m lazy?”
“That’s hilarious.”
“You’re seen around, dye your hair and take drugs.”
“The more you shrink, the bigger your mouth gets.”
“It drives me crazy how you chew your vomits.”
“You told me you hated my perve.”
“I’ve been within you.”
“Pick up your prescription. I’m not your candyman. Bagabooms.”
“You’re gonna die soon, you’re gonna die. You’re dying.” I’m just sensitive and my skin is peeper thin. And people don’t realize that cause I’m sassy and I’m brassy. But I am… I just… You know I see care commercials with these little kids with the giant bellies and the flies. And these are one and two year-old babies, you know. Nine months pregnant. It breaks my heart in two. It breaks my heart in half. And I don’t give money cause I don’t want them to spend it on drugs. I give. You know I give. You know, I mean I this past summer sent 15 really fun sweaters to this village in Africa. In really fun colors. Expecting nothing by the way. They called their money together, whatever they call it. And bought a stamp and sent me a postcard, thanking me. And it’s a, you know, “Thank you”. That day we had enough sweaters for every single member of the village to get one. And that they were delicious. I am working on an open letter and it goes like this: ‘Guess what, Martin Luther King. I had a fucking dream too. I had a dream that I was in my living-room. It wasn’t my living room, but it was like play in my living room in the dream. And I walk through to the backyard and there’s a pool and as I’m diving in there’s a shark… …coming up from the water with braces.’ So maybe you’re no so fucking special. Martin Looser King. Yeah. I wanna be the first comic ever to shit on Martin Luther King. People only talk about the good things. They don’t mention he was a litterbug. He would lock… He’d roll up all the windows and lock them and fart in the car with the heat up. Well his family suffered and he would laugh. I just think people should know everything. Before they give someone a day. I’m a comic I’ve something to say. That’s the difference. Learnmedy, that’s what I call it. When I was a… When I was little I saw my father’s penis by accident and I just… I wasn’t scarred by now but I think it really affected me just because I was so young. You know. And so drunk. I did… This is fucked up. When I was in high school I went out with my father’s best friend and that’s embarrassing, you know. My father having a fourteen year old best friend. It’s like the way you treat your kids. You know the way you raise them it forms everything they become. All the hang-ups or whatever they had. I went to get some water, I went to liquor store down the street to get some water. Some delicious Fidgy water actually. Which for some reason just tastes better. And as I’m walking in. There’s a man standing outside of the door. Leutering outside the door. And as I walk by he goes ‘I want pussy’. First of all I’m not considered or anything I just… But he, you know… He was talking to me. He definitely was talking to me and he was like ‘I want pussy’. I think it was more like ‘I want pussy’. I can’t do these accents. The point is I had every reason to be offended, to be angry, you know, or whatever, but I felt sorry for him. It made me sad, because he was so obvious to me. That this is the person who grew up, who was a child you know, whose mother and father probably never gave him any pussy. You got to think before you judge people. There’s the point. Because it’s a cycle. I have a joke to that part but. Anyway. The point I’m trying to say is that kids need role models. They need adults in their lives that they can mold their own lives after. Otherwise they gonna grow up and they’re gonna be fucked up. Look at strippers. Right? Strippers should be role models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes. I don’t have the guts. And I don’t think a lot of you do either. You excluded, sir. They deserve the purple heart for that, the purple asshole. I have never… I mean the closest I’ve ever come to waxing my asshole is once I got it washed and styled. They say, you know, strippers, they end up being in porn. It’s like a gateway job to porn. I don’t know. What you gonna do? I’d never do it. And I could if I wanted to up in approached. Or if I did it would be purely, you know, for political reasons… …because I do not think there are enough Jewish women represented in porn. Fuck my tokus! I’m a bad Jew. I’m a dirty Jew. Fucking dirty Jew. Fuck my fucking tokus. We have fun. Can I steal you? People think Jewish women aren’t sexy. That’s such a bullshit, you know. Put on a sexy neglige. I have a long neck, that’s probably one of my best features. Out of many good features. But it’s… I’ve a very swan-like neck. And my neck is actually six inches long, completely flaccid. I am cheating. I’m measuring from the base of my balls. I was watching a porn and it was like series of vignettes and this one scene featured Ron Jeremy, very famous pornographic lesbian. And he, in the scene he’s masturbating on to a lady. But I noticed that his pinky was out. And found out why he does that. I found out why he masturbates with his pinky out. It’s because he’s classy. I’d like to sing a song. If I may. With your permission. This is a song dedicated to all the porn actors and porn actresses out there.. I know that my guitar is Steve. Did porn for a wile, gay porn. Ladies it was work, it was a job. Trust me, but… I was in gafro. You got gafroed all over your face. But seriously, let’s take it down a second. Jennifer, can we take it down, get some mood light in here? Wow, sexy. Sexy lighting. This is a song… Is there anything on me at all? “You give yourself to all lovers.”
“Sharing all your liquidness.”
“Temporary happiness.”
“It’s you.”
“There’s a hole in your butt. Where the duty comes out.”
“There’s a hole in your butt where the penis goes in.”
“Your vagina had so many penises in, that you might as well talk about the times they were not in it.”
“Just roll on the times that are more unique.”
“Do you ever take drugs so that you can have sex without crying?”
“Do you ever take drugs so that you can have sex without crying?”
“There’s a dream in your head that will never come true. There’s a sticking this all over and it didn’t come from you.”
“You wish your dad had been there but more often times he was not. You can’t put your arms around the dirty gang-bang cumshot.”
“But that’s all you get.”
“That’s all you get.”
“Do you ever take drugs so that you can have sex without crying?”
“Do you ever take drugs so that you can have sex without crying?”
“There’s a hole in your heart where the sorrow poures out. There’s a hole in your heart where ambivalence sets in.”
“All the penises in the country.”
“All the penises in the world.”
“All the penises in the galaxy.”
“Want your hard hole” Thank you. Thank you for this Silverman. You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie. The anthem is Nazi. Okay. Nazis are assholoes. And I’ll be the first one to say it. Some edgy. Nazis are motherfucking asshole wipes, dicks. They cute when they’re little. I will get that. You’re so cute. Why can they be so small? I always know when its Hitler’s birthday. Cause they announced it on Entertainment Tonight. Right before they got a commercial, you see like a silhouette. And then they say, you know,”This man is responsible for the deaths of six million Jews.” Is it Ted Danson? Patrick Doughy? My niece is… my lesbian niece, they all families for a Julian. She goes to hebrew school and loves it. And she called me up and she’s like, you know “Aunt Sarah, did you know that Hitler killed sixty million Jews?” And I corrected her and said you know, I think he is responsible for killing six million Jews. And she said “Oh yes, six million, I knew that but seriously, I mean what’s the difference?” The difference is sixty million is unforgivable, young lady. Kids, you know. Try to figure them out. I can’t. Who could? My nana was a survivor of the Holocaust. I’m sorry, alleged Holocaust. And he had the tattoo, you know, the number and thank God she was at one of the better concentration camps. She had a vanity number, it’s said a… “Bedazzled.” Just kind of fun. You know I don’t understand the… … Jewish people who drive German cars. It’s so… It’s not a secret. that companies like Mercedes and BMW and you know, Hitler commissioned Volkswagen. These are companies that built cars for the Nazi war affair. Jewish people who drive German cars it’s so gay. It’s just gay. And on the other side of the thing there’s companies, you know, there’s Mercedes, companies like that who… Boy, you know, if they could have only had the foresight, if they only could have seen into the future. The kind of business, you know, the amount of money they’d be making from Jewish consumers. I don’t know, maybe they’d help not killed the Jews. But, you know… Instead they helped, facilitated genocide of a people who would ultimately become their best customers. Any Jew will tell you it’s just bad business, you know. And now I feel preachy. But I just … I really believe this to be true. I believe that if black people were in Germany during World War 2, that the Holocaust would have never happened. I do, you know. Or not to Jews. I got in trouble for saying the word ‘chink’ on a talk show. On the network talk show. It was in the context of a joke, you know. Obviously that would be weird. I’d be like a really bad career choice. But nevertheless the president of an Asian-American watched our group out here in Los Angeles. His name is Guy Ayoki. And he was up in arms about it. And he put my name in all the papers, calling me a racist. And it hurts. I mean as a Jew, as a member of the Jewish community… …I was really concerned that we’re loosing control of the media. I’m right. I mean like what kind of world do we live in, where a totally cute white girl can’t say chink on network television? It’s like the 50’s. It’s scary. There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with, at all. One is Guy Ayoki, the other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my coke. He’s all ‘Me Chinese, me play joke’ If you have to explain it, Steve, it’s not funny. It’s not funny. We have to break it down. You have to be able to laugh at yourself. So… It’s what I tell Asian people all the time. They don’t listen. Midgets. You know the politically correct word for ‘midget’ is ‘little person’. Which just tickles me because it’s like the only politically correct word that actually more insulting than the original one. Midgets don’t like being called ‘little people’. They much prefer ‘Yes you are!’ Thank you for laughing at that. I appreciate it. I always feel crappy when I do that joke. It gets such a good laugh. I just feel like. What did midgets ever do? You know as a people to deserve to be marked. They’re human beings born extra crazy small. I don’t think like anybody here thinks we should make fun of midgets. But we do anyway. I think it’s because… I’ll tell you why we make fun of midgets. We’re not afraid of them. That’s what it always boils down to, cross the board. I mean, I had a joke with the word ‘n i g g e r’ in it, that I thought was so edgy. And so hip. I was doing it all over town at comedy clubs and I was at one this one club… …doing my show and I look in a front row and a whole front table is black people. Or African American people. And you know what? He was half and half. I’m pretty sure. But the point is I didn’t do the joke. And you get ask yourself, is that an edgy joke or is that the racist joke? I didn’t do it cause I was afraid of them. I didn’t. And I ended up changing that joke to chinks. So you live and you learn and hopefully you grow. I was going… I was about to go on a talk show and talk about that whole kind of idea how we make fun of people that we’re not afraid of. But we refrain from making fun of people we… that scare us. And I was about to go on and a segment producer came over to me and he said. You know, instead of n i g g e r s say the N word. And I said, great, what do you want me to say for chink? And he said ‘Say chink.’ Why? I’d like to sing a song for you now. It’s twisted. A love song. Oh shit. I did that on rehearsal too, I forgot and the guy, one of the guys working in a back said ‘Plug it in’. And I said “Yeah, we will fucking rip it up”. Plug it in. One, two, three, four. “I love you more than bears love honey.”
“I love you more than Jews love money.”
“I love you more than Asians are good at math.”
“I love you even if it’s not hip.”
“I love you more than black people don’t tip.”
“I love you more than Puerto Ricans need baths.”
“I love you more than girls love dolls.”
“I love you more than dogs love balls.”
“I love you more than the white stuff in us it.”
“I love you like Gary Busey.”
“I love you more than Dikes love pussy.”
“I love you more than my after show monster bone heap.”
“Jewish people driving German cars.”
“Jewie people buying German cars.”
“What the cock is that shit?”
“But maybe it’s like take back for night.”
“Maybe it’s like a bleeding hearts grow old and swing to the right.”
“Maybe it’s like when a f a g g o t calls himself a f a g g o t.”
“Jewish people driving German cars.”
“It’s the opposite of foo-boo.”
“But maybe it’s Patty Herst siding with her kidnappers, maybe it’s like African miner killing diamond-bering gangster robbers.”
“Maybe it’s like when blackeyes calls each other n i g g e r s.”
“Cha-cha-cha.” My friend Ryan Lynch came for me tonight. We got drunk and… he got drunk I don’t drink, but I think I… something happened. I dared him to deep his balls into his drink for a dollar, for a second. And would not do it. I just thought it’d be funny if he like, I don’t know, play… like pleate them in. He wouldn’t do it. I just think it’s interesting, like I know exactly why he wouldn’t do it. And this is interesting. He wouldn’t do it because he knew if he put them in his drink and they floated… …we would know that his balls are bewitched. And I just… love that, you know. I love like getting into the psychology of people. I did not lose my virginity until was 26. And that’s true. 19 vaginally. But 26, you know, what my boyfriend calls the ‘real way’. You know what, that’s a fucking disgusting joke. And I don’t do that. That’s a fictional. That’s a joke, I mean I don’t… That’s fucking nasty. And I don’t… My asshole is… It’s totally for decoration. It’s like an appendix. I tell people that I was shocked. I am… And my friend Mike was… he was like on last night ‘Oh, you know, it’s not disgusting, it’s natural.’ It’s like trying to sell me on it being natural. First of all duty comes out of there, okay. And second of all fucking duty comes out of here. I don’t need two reasons when duties involved. I’m like going off and then remember as I’m talking that Mike is gay. And I now have to backpedal and say like ‘no, your asshole is like your vagina. That’s totally cool’. I think on my figs, I’m a comedian. And he took me to the gay march this year and it was blast, I haven’t been there before. And it’s so fun and it’s just crazy. I just don’t want… like I don’t wanna be labeled as straight or labbled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me. You know that’s white. I can say that, by the way, cause I used to go out with a guy who was half black. Who totally broke up with me. Cause I’m a fucking loser. I just heard myself say that. I’m such a pessimist. It was a worst attitude. He’s a half-white. And he totally broke up with me. And it’s funny now, like what is it? King size 20-20 or whatever. Like I know it so obvious to me now why he broke up with me. Cause he has so fucking low self esteem. And I can’t compete with that, like everybody knows somebody who… it’s like anything you say to them they gonna take it. They gonna hear it in the most negative way. You know what I mean. And he was like. You could give him… Like I gave him a compliment, alright. I told him he probably would have made like a really expensive slave. Like in the olden time days. Not now. What does he do? Right. It goes through the roobe gold berg, you know craziest straw of his low self esteem. And it hit his ear and he heard something. Fucked up. I can’t control that. Like I can’t control what he hears. He has to learn how to love himself. Before I can stop hating his people. As a people. I don’t care if you think I’m racist. I just want you to think I’m thin. I do talk a little bit about race. The important thing its like the… Like if I based my material on stereotypes. That would be messed up. It would. But I don’t. Okay. I base it on facts. Fact the SAT test, the test that basically decides whether you go to college or not. Is called truly byest towards Caucasians. That’s a fact. Okay, I heard that somewhere. Fact… It the year 2004 women still get paid 70 cents to every dollar a men gets paid. And that’s a fact. Okay. Fact, every 30 seconds in this country a person of color jumps up and down and waves their arms behind a local news reporter. Fact. I went out with the Mexican man. Do racist people go out with Mexican men? I don’t think so. No, they’re filthy. It’s so hard like… I feel about like it’s jokes. You know like this woman came up to me last night a she was Mexican and… …she was so irate, you know she was so angry. And he came up to me ad she said ‘You know I’m Mexican and I don’t stink’ And it’s just broke my heart. Like I had to explain to her like you can’t smell yourself. Thanks a lot. Thank you so much. And we would love to, and I mean the royal We, leave you with a song. Something inspirational to live with. Amazing grace. “Amazing grace how sweet it sounds. That save the rash like me.”
“I once was lost but now I’m found. Was blind but now I see.”
“It was grace that taught my heart to fear. And grace my fears relieved.”
“A precious day that grace appeared the hour I first believed.”
“Amazing grace, how sweet it sounds, that save the rash like me.”
“I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind by now I…”
“Was blind by now I’m…”
“Blind by now I see.”
“I say no good people turn their hips each day so satisfied I’m on my way.” Good night! Come in. Hi. Oh my God, you were so great. Thank you. It was awesome. It was amazing. It’s like all new material. And rape, and AIDS and Holocaust, just like you said. I was so cool. You must be so proud of yourself. It is so great. I am. Wow, look at this, it’s so pretty. It’s beautiful. Oh my God what a spread. Do you guys want something? I’m so hungry actually. I’m starving. Yeah I’m dying. This is like my dinner. I’ve got some Wochie water, delicious. If you want. Actually it’s just the last one, so just you can split it. When do you drink a whole water? I always leave it. Do you want some? No I’m good. I can open. This one is open. Thanks for coming by. And I’m sorry I just think I want… … like me alone. Oh yeah, of course. We all just, you know, we’ll call you. Like now. Okay. It’s okay. We’ll go get a drink. Great job. We gonna get a drink and… Have a good time. It was awesome. I know! Bye Sarah. Bye-bye. Thank you. You did it, kid. Come over here, I got a secret for you. You’re fucking amazing. You are a star. And I’m a star fucker. I didn’t get any sleep. I went to sleep at 1 in the morning. I woke up at 3 in the morning. Because I was just excited. I made myself stay in bed, but it was like this in bed. What are you gonna do? Maybe I’ll take a nap. You know. When I’m dead. Alright? Fuck yeah! What is that noise, It’s a child laughing. It’s really hard, guys. Seriously don’t go into acting, cause it’s totally like harder work than you think. You know what? It just like.. I just… It helps me realize I’m alive. Going out with the guy who drives German car. And I’m looking for a Yin to my Yang. Looking for a Yin to my Yang. He hates women too and I love it. So fuck you. A bird shit on me. A day before yesterday. Do you feel lucky? I felt lucky. Yeah. I was like… I imagine the birds, they lay eggs and they’re like ‘Oh my God, I can’t believe it came out of my pussy’. My name is Laura Silverman I’m actually Sarah’s sister. In real life. And I’m playing her friend which I’m not in real life. And I’m Brian Posehn, her friend. And I’m actually playing her sister. Hey guys. -Hey. We’re doing a little… Hi Sarah. Feature out. In the scene we sink in. Cool. Yeah. No. We just doing joke… So how is it working with Sarah? It’s horrib… great. It’s if you really-really into Sarah it’s great. Because Jews into Sarah. Yeah. So we have a common interest. Three of the actors just died from that. I’m 1 year and 1 month pregnant I’m 13 months pregnant, I just found out. That’s what Steve calls his wife – the Cuntintsky. I’m not married. Whatever. Fuck you. Fucker. Alright you’re good there. Motherfucker. Okay guys. I came in here to have gas. Like Marla Thomas that just walked in on her father under a coffee table with girl take mission on it. What’s f…. What’s funny? I would love to know what’s funny? You guys better go. Thanks a lot. Fuck. Fucking take it! The best time to get pregnant is when you’re a black teenager. Nazis are assholoes. But that’s totally not true because they’re cute when they’re little. Sarah Silverman was profiled in the 10/24/2005 issue of The New Yorker magazine, in an article titled “Quiet Depravity.” | null |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jo-koy-lights-out-2012-full-transcript/ | JO KOY: LIGHTS OUT (2012) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | jo koy | [hip-hop music] L.A., are you ready? [cheers and applause] Live from the Alex Theatre, give it up for Jo Koy! What? What? Oh, shit. Wow. We’re in Los Angel– This is why I love coming home to Los Angeles. This is my home right now, man. [cheers and applause] This is where we do it. Like, just look around, man. Everyone, just look at this, man. Like, we got every color of the rainbow in the theater tonight. That’s when you know you’re in L.A. I mean, we got–like, you can smell each race in here. You know what I mean? I can smell every– like, you can– There’s, like, some tortillas right around here. Chicken and waffles right around… Right around this area there’s a chicken and waffle… Some Filipino food all over the goddamn place. [cheers and applause] Is that–is that– How many Filipinos in here right now? Let me just hear how many Filipinos. [crowd cheers] Shit. That’s a lot of Filipinos. Somewhere in Glendale, there’s an empty hospital. No nurses working tonight. Nurses’ day off. Just doctors walking around, going, “Where’s Bernadette?” [Filipino accent] “She’s at the comedy show.” [chuckles] That’s how Filip– That’s how those Filipino nurses talk. Like, the ones that didn’t come to the show, the snitchy fuckin’ Filipino nurse. She’s pissed off that she didn’t go. All the other Filipino nurses came to the show. Now she’s telling the doctor, “She’s at the comedy show. “I was in the break room, “and her purse fall down, ticket fall out, “it says, ‘Jo Koy.’ “And she’s at the show, laughing, having good time.” If you’re not Filipino, that’s how they talk. My mom talks like that. Right? It doesn’t matter how exciting the news is, my mom’s face always looks depressed. Most exciting news in the world, depression on the face. “It’s your sister’s birthday.” “Your brother’s getting married.” “Oh, that sucks, Mom.” My mom would give the worst advice. The worst advi–That’s why I had to leave my mom. Worst advice. If I go to the bar, my mom’s the first one to call me and go, “Josep, are you going to a bar out there? “Are you going out there? To those bars? That bar?” “Yeah, I’m going to those bars, Mom, why?” “Which bar? Which bar, Josep? Which?” Like she knows all the fucking bars. “I’m just going to a bar. Why, Mom? Why are you call– I got to go.” “Well, because, Josep, the reason why I’m asking you…” That’s how my mom talks to me. She’s got to fucking sing. “Jo-sep, the reason why I’m telling you “why what bar is because there’s people out there putting drugs in the drinks.” “What are you talking about, Mom?” “Drugs, Josep, drugs. They call it ‘rupie.'” “Did you say, ‘rupie’?” “Yes, Josep, ‘rupie.'” “You mean ‘roofie’?” “Yes, Josep, ‘ru-pie.'” “Mom, why? Why are you talk–” “Because, Josep, what it is “is they put it in the drinks. And it’s a date rape drug.” “Mom, I’m all right. “I-I-I don’t think anyone’s gonna ‘rupie’ me. “So, thank you. I’m late, I got to go. Thank you for the advice, but, uh, I’m gonna be okay.” And then she gets mad. “Oh, okay, Josep, you know what? Then just go. “Go, Josep. “Go to those bars. “And drink several drinks. And put them all over the bar.” “Someone will put a rupie in one of those drinks. “You will drink it, fall asleep, you wake up, “they’re fucking your ass. “Fucking your ass. “And then you’ll wake up– ‘My butt hurt!’ You got rupied.” Just a side note, any guy that’s ever roofied a girl, you’re a piece of shit. That’s fucked up. Roofie a girl. That is such bullshit. You roofie a girl. Are you kidding me? That’s horrible. Don’t roofie a girl. This is what I do… Creepy guys, listen up. Don’t roofie a girl. That’s illegal. This is what I do. When you’re out drinking with a girl, all right, use the voice that she thinks she hears when she’s being roofied. It’s hysterical. She doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. Like, right when she takes a sip out of her drink, just look at her and go, [deep, distorted voice] “How are you feeling?” “Wha–Wha?” “I said, ‘How are you feeling?'” “I don’t feel good.” “You don’t look good either.” [low chuckle] [chuckles] There are some guys here that are gonna try that shit tonight. I swear to God. You creepy fuckers. Don’t do it at the bar across the street, you’ll get caught. Buy a girl a drink, and look at her, and go, “How are you feeling?” And she’s like, “I was at that show, asshole.” – I was in my first earthquake. It was about– it was about four years ago or five years ago. It was with my son. It was the first earthquake I was ever in with my son, and, uh, it was so funny, ’cause he was sitting–he was sitting on the couch like this watching, uh, TV, right? And, uh, and I’d just got out of the shower and I’m toweling off. Now, if you’ve never been in an earthquake, it lasts maybe, what, three seconds at the most? But it feels like eternity, right? So I just remember– I’d just got out of the shower, and I’m toweling off, and then all of the sudden, everything starts shaking. Just… [imitates rumbling] I was like, “Oh, fuck, earthquake,” right? So I had to go get my son, and everything was like slow-motion, so I started running to the living room. It was like, [slowly] “Jo! “Jo! Jo!” Wet, naked. “Jo! Jo!” I came around the corner, and my son looked at me like this… “Aah!” “Jo! Jo!” “Aah!” “Jo! Jo!” “Aah!” And the earthquake stopped, so I put him back on the couch, and I kissed him. I go, “I love you.” And I walk back to the room, wet, naked. And I was toweling off, and I started thinking to myself. I was like, “Should I tell him what just happened?” He has no idea what the fuck just happened. He was just watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and his wet, naked dad came running around the corner going, [slow] “I love you, Jo!” So I didn’t tell him. Fuck it, I’m gonna let it sit in the back of his head for the rest of his life. Every time there’s an earthquake, he’s gonna go, “Oh, shit! Do you see my dad? You see my dad?” [slow] “Jo!” If you don’t have kids, all right, they’re a joy. I love my son to death, man. He’s eight years old–he’s the love of my life, all right? But if you don’t have kids and you’re thinking about having kids, ’cause I know there’s some people in here like, “I’m ready to have a kid. I want to be a mommy,” and there’s some guys like, “I want to be a daddy.” Um, shut the fuck up. Shut up. No, you’re not. You’re not ready. Look at me. Look at this. Look! Take a close look. I used to have long, beautiful hair. It’s gone! Pull out. Pull the fuck out. It’s your only option. Use it. Pull out. This is all you got to do. “Ha!” Baby, no baby. Minivan, sports car. There’s parents in here too. I see you guys. You don’t even have to tell me you’re a parent. You don’t have to applaud. You don’t have to say shit. I know what a parent looks like. Parents recognize parents. We just know. When I said, “pull out,” there were some parents in here like, “Yeah, I should have.” Parents don’t want to go home. You guys are laughing and having a good time right now, but in the back of your head, you’re like, “Fuck… I hope he’s asleep.” And he’s not. He’s not. When you go home, they’re waiting for you. You know why? ‘Cause your babysitter fed him fucking Cocoa Puffs and chocolate milk for fucking dinner. So now they’re standing by the front door like fucking crackheads. And they’re always holding heavy shit for no reason. Just naked with a box of LEGOs. And then you open the door, “Daddy!” Go to sleep! My son’s got to tell me six hours’ worth of shit in two minutes. The minute I walk in, he’s got to tell me everything he did while I was gone. “Daddy! You’re not gonna believe this, “but I played NBA 2K11 in 3D, Daddy! “Blake Griffin dunked the basketball “and the ball came right at me, and I was like, “‘Oh, my God, that is so cool!’ “Daddy, I made a basketball out of LEGOs, “but Mommy said I can’t throw it in the house “’cause it might break a window! “Daddy, I tried Yoo-hoo for the first time. I like chocolate!” [cheers and applause] Love my son. Any new parents out there? This is my only suggestion, right now. This is the only thing I can give you as another parent is take a lot of pictures and take a lot of videotape– as much as you can. And actually, every time your kid goes, “Mommy, pick me up. Daddy, carry me.” Pick ’em up. Carry ’em. Don’t look at ’em and go, “You got legs, walk!” Don’t do that shit, ’cause they grow up that fast, and there’s gonna come a time where they don’t want you to pick ’em up anymore and you’re gonna miss those fucking days. I’m gonna hold my son till he’s 20. I don’t give a fuck. We’re gonna be at the mall, my son’s gonna be like, “Dad, this is ridiculous.” “Just hurry up and burp, son.” Take a lot of video. Capture every moment. It’s called evidence. Everything that makes your son cry or be sad, get it on tape. Use it against him. The worst day of my son’s life was his first day of school. He didn’t want to go to school. Kept crying till 3:00 in the morning. Crying all night, “I don’t want to go to school, Daddy! “I want to stay home, Daddy! I don’t want to go! “I’m a good boy! “I don’t even know those people, Daddy, “and you’re gonna make me go to school! “I don’t want to go! [whining incoherently] I want to stay home!” And I’m like, “Jo! “Go to sleep! “It’s 3:00 in the morning! “Go to bed! Baby, you’re gonna have fun in school. “You get to learn things in school. “You get to meet new friends in school. “You get to play with your new friends at recess. “You’re gonna have fun, baby. “Daddy’s gonna take you to school, so why are you scared? I’m gonna be there for you.” And then I was like, “Oh, shit, “I got to get the camera. I got to get all this crying on tape.” That way, when he gets older and starts talking shit, I got that tape. ‘Cause you know how little boys are when they’re 16. They talk shit to their dads. It’s like, “Dad, why are you a dick all the time?” And I go, “Really?” and I pop the tape in. “What about that, bitch?” But that didn’t happen. I brought him to his first day of school. My son grew up just like that, right before my eyes. Turned into a little man. Teacher said his name, he walked right past me. I tried to kiss him, he did that Matrix shit on me. Standing in the single-file line like this, holding his backpack. And these two little boys that obviously went to preschool together. They’re in the same class. They run up behind my son. “This is gonna be fun. “We’re gonna have fun in kindergarten. We’re gonna have fun in kindergarten!” My son doesn’t even know these kids, but he keeps looking at them, trying to engage in some type of conversation. Like, [childlike voice] “Yeah, this is gonna be fun.” “Yeah, I-I’m gonna be your friend.” [growls] “Look at my ting-ting.” [laughs] I’m across the auditorium, I’m recording everything, and he sees me. So I mouth to him. I go, “I love you. I love you.” And my son goes like this… What a dick, right? And then a teacher goes, “All right, we’re gonna take “the kids to class, and even if your kid starts crying, “don’t come with us ’cause we’re trying to break that bond. Parents, stay in the auditorium.” I go, “All right, now my son’s gonna cry.” Reality check. Daddy’s got to leave. So I run up to my son. I’m trying to squeeze one tear out of this fucker. I’m saying mean shit too, like, “Daddy’s got to go. That’s a lot of scary people here.” “Watch out.” My son goes like this, “So what, Daddy? “Just go. Get out of here.” And I was like this… [dejectedly] “Okay.” “You don’t–you don’t have to say it so loud. “I just want you to know I made you a sandwich “and I put Go-Gurt in your backpack, “and there’s a Capri Sun. “And if you’re still hungry, Daddy put $3 in your pocket “so you can get– I got to go. I got to go.” And I leaned in to kiss him like this and put his little baby hand on my face, just like that. So cute. And he goes, “Move.” He fucking pushed my face and walked out that door with those two boys he’d just met in line. And now they think he’s king shit ’cause he just bitch-slapped his dad. So I stopped him. You’re not gonna punk me. I don’t give a fuck if you’re five. I was like, “Jo, turn around. Daddy’s got to talk to you. Turn around.” He’s like, “What you want, Daddy? I’m with my friends.” His one friend’s like, “You okay, Jo?” “I got this.” “What you want, Daddy?” I go, “Baby, I just want you to know one thing “before you go to class, okay? “I just want you to know that I, uh… I could have pulled out.” “What are you talking about, Daddy?” “I’m just saying you could have ended up on a pillowcase or a shirt.” “Daddy, what are you talking about?” “I’m just saying, your mommy could have swallowed you. I’ll pick you up at 2:15.” I’m gonna tell you a story about Filipino moms and their sons. Now, Filipino moms do shit to their sons that may not be socially accepted in America, but I just want you to know, I’m okay. Now, I know that’s a creepy way to introduce a joke, but just believe me, I’m all right. Now, my mom was at my house when, uh, my son was about 3 1/2, 4 years old, okay? And he just got done taking a bath, and he’s like, “Daddy, I’m done taking a bath! Come and get me!” Right? And my mom was like, “Little Jo, I’ll take care of you. Come to Grandma! Come on, come to Grandma!” And my son was like, “Grandma!” And he jumped out of the bathtub– wet, naked– running to his grandma. “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” “Come to Grandma!” “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” “Come to Grandma!” “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” And he got right in front of his grandma, and my mom grabbed his dick and went, “I got your tite!” “Aah!” And he fucking ran. “Aah!” And I laughed. [laughs] ‘Cause she used to do that shit to me! I used to hate it when my mom grabbed my tite. And here’s the fucked-up part. My mom would get mad at me for getting mad at her for touching my tite. How fucked up is that? She’s like, “I got your tite!” I’m like, “Mom! Don’t do that!” [offended gasp] “Why can I not touch your tite?” “‘Cause I’m 32!” I love her. I don’t know how my mom did it. You know what I mean? My mom’s amazing. You know what I mean? She had two kids that were living at home at the time when she was, you know, when she was single, you know? And she raised both of us, uh, really well. She was amazing. She became the mother and the father. And the reason why I tell you that is because she reminded us every fucking day. There wasn’t a day that my mom didn’t tell us that. Just me and my sister just playing in the room, playing around, and then my mom would just come into the room and go, “I just want you kids “to know one thing. “I’m the mother and the father.” “I bring home the bacon, and I cook that motherfucker too.” My mom was tough as shit. I dare anybody to fuck with my mom’s kids. Dare anybody. My mom was 4’10”. She’ll fight anybody. She didn’t give a shit. That’s how tough my mom was. I remember one time I was at a shoe store, and I was fucking up the shoe wall. You know, the shoe display wall? Fucking it up. Just putting shoes all over the place, right? And the salesman saw me and was like, “Hey, get the fuck out of here! Fucking up the shoe wall. Get the fuck out!” He’s cursing at me, right? He didn’t know my mom was in the back of the store. He couldn’t see her. She’s 4’10”! My mom popped around the corner, she was like, “Hey! “Who are you talking to? “You don’t talk to my children like that! “Who are you, huh? I want to speak to the manager!” And the guy started making fun of my mom’s accent. [mocking Filipino] “Oh, you want to spek-spek “to the manager? Huh? You want to tok-tok to the man-a-ger?” And my mom goes, “Oh, that’s funny. “You’re making fun of my accent? “I live in your country, and I speak two languages– “Tagalog and English. “You live here. How many do you speak? One? You’re stupid.” So the guy started cursing at my mom, right? He was like, “You know what? I don’t need to hear this shit. “Get the fuck out of my store! Take your kid and get the fuck out of my store!” Right? So my mom started cursing back, right? And I’ve seen my mom curse before, but we’d never seen her get into a curse fight. And when you curse, certain words go together, but my mom takes whatever curse words she knows and throws ’em at you. He’s like, “Get the fuck out of my store!” And my mom goes, “Oh, yeah? You son of a shit! “Fuck your pussy has a dick with shit in it and your pussy “has a mother, mothershit, you! Fuck your pussy, you!” I looked at my sister, go, “Did Mom just say ‘mothershit’?” If I lost something, I lost it. My mom would never help us find shit, right? Normal parents–normal parents help their fucking kids, right? Normal parents help. It’s like, “Okay, what? “Did you lose something? Your keys? “What? Was it in your pants? “Well, what jeans? Were you wearing jeans? Well, let’s look for those jeans.” That’s how you fucking help your kids find shit. Not my mom. If I lost something, I can guarantee my mom’s right behind me fucking with me. Right? She enjoys that shit. If I’m looking under the couch, I guarantee my mom’s right behind me like, “Oh, what? What? What? “What? What’s under– What’s under the couch, Josep? “Is it your keys? “Did you lose your keys again? Oh, maybe they walk under the couch like that?” Now I got to ask my mom for help. That’s the worst mistake I can make. “Mom, I’m late for work. Do you know where my keys are?” “Josep, did you just ask me where your keys are? “Isn’t that a stupid question? “That is a stupid question, Josep. “‘Excuse me, person that does not drive my car, do you know where my keys are?'” [laughs] “That is stupid, Josep! “Why don’t you ask me where my keys are? “I’ll know the answer to that. “Go ahead, Josep. Ask me! Come on! Ask me right now!” “Mom, do you know where your keys are?” [laughing] “Of course I do! “Of course I do, Josep! “I know where my keys are all the time. “You know why, Josep? “Because I put them in the same place “that I always put my keys. “I hang them over here, oh, on this wooden plaque… “that says ‘keys.’ “Josep, when you lose something, “do you use your eyes to look for it, “or do you use your mouth? “Because every time you lose something, Josep, “you use your mouth to find something. “You can’t find anything like that, Josep. “You just walk around, ‘Has anybody seen my keys? “‘I don’t know where my keys are. “I’m late for work.’ Open your eyes! Look for them!” My mom never hit us, and she never put us in time-out. She had something better than that. It was called lecturing. If I did something wrong, my mom had at least two hours’ worth of shit to say about it. And it would last so long that it would just–I would look at my mom and go, “Mom, just fucking hit me already.” “I don’t want to hear your voice anymore.” And if I did something wrong, it wasn’t because– like, if I got a bad grade in school– it wasn’t because I wasn’t studying, it was because I was trying to kill my mom. I was physically trying to kill my mother. You know what I mean? Like, my mom would look at me and go, “Josep, you’re getting a D in math? “Why? Why are you doing that, Josep? “I did not come to this country to give you a better education, “that way you get a D and not be successful in life, “and then you’re going to live in poverty. “That’s how I live in the Philippines. “I do not want you to do that, Josep. “Are you trying to give me heart attack? “I’m going to die, Josep. Why are you going to do this to me, Josep?” I’m like, “Mom, just fucking hit me. Hit me, Mom.” [laughs] The only time my mom ever got physical with me was at church. Weirdest place, right? Physical at church. And the reason why is ’cause when you’re 10, 11 years old, you hate church for the simple fact that you don’t– you got to sit there for an hour and a half on this wooden pew. And you got to sit there. When you’re 10, 11 years old, you don’t even have ass meat yet. It’s just bone on wood. That’s why kids move around so much, ’cause they can’t feel their asses anymore. And that guy won’t stop preaching. Just… [religious vocalizing] “Josep! Josep! “Sit up straight! “What is wrong with you? “Stop acting like this, huh? “I’m telling you, this is my last warning. “You better stop acting like this, I’m telling you. You will not be happy.” [religious vocalizing] “Josep! “Turn around! Turn around! “Sorry, sorry. “What is wrong with you? “Why are you acting like this? “You better behave, huh? “This is my last warning, huh? “I’m telling you right now, you will not be happy.” And I would taunt my mom, ’cause we were in church. I’m like, “What are you gonna do? Are you gonna– are you gonna hit me?” And my mom would take her fingertips, the tips of her nails, and she would grab a pinch of skin– You know what I’m talking about, right? And she would pinch so hard I could actually feel the nails touch inside of me. It would hurt so bad that I would lean in like this, “Aah!” And my mom would whisper in my ear, “Who’s laughing now?” – This is my 19th year in stand-up, and when I told my mom 19 years ago that I wasn’t going to college, she cried. Cried. “Why, Josep? “Comedian, really? That’s what you want to do? “There’s no–there’s no future in comedian, Josep. “There’s no money to be made in comedian, Josep. “What are you, a clown? “You’re going to be clown, Josep? “How about if you get sick, Josep? “There’s no health insurance. “There’s no health insurance if you get sick. “How are you going to pay the doctor? “Jokes? “‘Oh, thank you, doctor. What do I owe you? “‘Oh, really? Knock-knock.'” The one person that did believe in me–my Lola Tina. My grandmother, right? My grandmother passed away of cancer, uh, 19 years ago. Like, she passed away of cancer. And the cool thing about my grandmother is she fought that shit to the end. She was diagnosed with it, and she was supposed to go like that, and she ended up fighting that shit for five years, and we all– Yeah, it was amazing. [cheers and applause] It was a sad time, but it was a good time. You know what I mean? ‘Cause I got to– We all moved to Vegas. That’s why I moved to Vegas, is to be with my grandmother. And, uh, and it was a sad time, but it was a good time, because, uh, those times that I was with her, she would, you know– I got to meet my grandma. I got to know my grandma. She would tell me stories, and I would just sit there and listen all day. Man, she would tell me all kinds of stories, and I would just listen to her like, “Are you serious? “Really, Grandma? So she used to lose her keys too, huh?” Tough as shit, man– my grandmother was tough. And I know that’s where I got my funny from, my grandmother, you know what I mean? She was funny, and she would do it indirectly. Like, catch me off guard all the time. Like, I would take her to chemo, and we’re just driving in the car, and she’d be like, “Josep… Josep.” I’m like, “What, Grandma?” “I just want you to know that when I die–” I’m like, “Grandma, don’t say that. I don’t like it when you talk like that.” “No, it’s okay. “Why can I not talk about that? “I’m gonna go to Heaven. You don’t want me to go to Heaven?” One time, we were sitting on the couch, right? And my– and we’re watching TV. It’s a true story. This is so fucked up. She goes, “Josep. Josep.” I go, “What, Grandma? What?” She’s like, “I just want you to know that when I– when I pass away–” I’m like, “Grandma, please. Don’t talk like that. I don’t like it when you talk–” “No, it’s okay, Josep. “I am okay with it, you should be okay with it also. “But when I pass away, I just want you to know that every time you go to sleep”… “I’m going to be watching you.” “Sometimes I will tickle your toes, “and you’ll wake up, “and then you’ll look at your feet, and then I’ll go, ‘Ahhh.'” One time, I was taking her back, right, from chemo, and I laid her on her bed, right? I put her on the bed, and I go, “Lola, if you need anything, just call me. “I’ll be right here. I’ll take care of you, okay? Just call me.” She’s like, “Okay, Josep. Love you.” I go, “I love you.” And I started to walk out, and she goes, “Josep! Bless me! Bless me!” If you’re not Filipino, let me tell you what blessing is. This is what we do with our elders. When you leave and you say good-bye to your elders, this is what we do. Can you stand up? Just stand– let me touch your– get your hand, and you touch the forehead like that. It’s a sign of respect. That’s what we do. We don’t look at our elders and go, “Fuck you, peace.” We don’t do that. “Bye, bitch.” And then walk. We show respect. That’s what you do. And she was like, “Josep, bless me. You can’t leave without blessing your grandmother.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, Grandma. I’m so sorry. I’ll be right there.” And I go, and I grab her hand, right. And I go to touch my forehead, and before I touch my forehead, she grabbed my dick and went, “I got your tite!” I’m like, “Fuck!” Ragh! Pretty sure that’s where my grandma– my mom got all, you know, her personality from. My mom is a spitting image of my grandmother. And it’s cool, I love it. Any time my mom needed to get her point across, she knew how to do it. ‘Cause I never listen to my mom. I always do that. You know what I mean? I just go, “Mom, are you serious? No, that’s ridiculous.” And I’d just walk away from her, and she gets mad, right? But she always found a way to tell me that I was doing something wrong, or she needed to show me, like, “Josep, you need to correct this. Here’s why.” Right? One time, like– I suffer from this thing called sleep apnea, okay? If you don’t know what sleep apnea is, just ask one of the nurses inside the building. They’ll tell you. It’s a form of snoring, only it’s worse. It’s worse than snoring. I choke when I sleep. And I’m loud. I’m so loud that I wake myself up. And you got to see the way I sleep. It’s disgusting. Like, this is what– this is how– This is what I look like when I sleep. [tries to snore through closed throat] Aah! Who is it? Who’s out there? – I didn’t know I had sleep apnea. My mom told me I had sleep apnea. I was asleep at her house about six years ago, sleeping in the guest room, the same way I always do, just like this– [choked snoring] And I woke up– [gasping] My mom’s at the foot of the bed like this. “Oh, my God, Josep!” “You’re dying!” I go, “Mom, I’m not dying. I’m snoring.” “Josep, that is not snoring. You look like this”… “Josep, you have to go to a doctor and get that checked out. “I’m telling you, you’re going to die, “and I don’t want you to die, Josep, because I’ll die of heart attack if you die, oh, my God, Josep–” “Mom, I’m not gonna go to a doctor for snoring. How long were you watching me? That’s creepy.” And I kicked her out. “Get out of here! Get out of here, Mom!” “I’m sorry, Josep. “I did not mean to startle you. “It’s just that I was walking to the kitchen, “and I heard a noise coming from the guest room. “It sounded like… someone was killing a bear.” “And I was like, ‘I don’t have a bear.'” “So I opened the door, “and I noticed that it was just you, Josep. “Snoring. “So, I’m sorry. You don’t have to go to a doctor. “Just go to sleep. Go to sleep.” “And die.” So, I went back to sleep. Same shit. [choked snoring] And I woke up. [gasping] My mom’s at the foot of the bed with a fucking camcorder. “I got it all on videotape!” “You fucking recorded me?” “Uh-huh, Josep, I put it on videotape. “That way, you can see what I’m talking about, Josep. “It’s not right. Watch the videotape. You’ll go to a doctor, Josep. Please watch it–” I’m like, “All right, Mom, I’ll watch the videotape! I can’t believe you recorded me, Mom.” “Just watch the tape.” “All right, put it in.” And she put the tape in. Before she pressed play, this is what my mom did. “Everybody, come downstairs! “We’re going to watch Josep sleep. It’s scary!” She pressed play. I watched it. It’s the creepiest video you’ll ever see. It’s shot in that– that black light. You know what I mean? Like, that surveillance-video shit. It’s pitch-dark in the hallway. My mom can’t even see herself. She’s just standing in front of the camera, and she’s documenting the whole thing like she’s– she’s on Discovery. “We’re outside my son’s room. “He says that– “that he is snoring, and I told him that he is not snoring. “So, I’m going to get this on videotape. “That way, he’ll see it, and then go to a doctor. Um, let’s take a closer look.” I watched the videotape. It’s horrible. It’s horrible. And I saw myself sleeping. I couldn’t believe it. I ended up going to a sleep center. I had to go there. They had to monitor my sleeping behavior. You know what I mean? The doctor put all these wires on my toes, these wires on my fingertips, this chest pad to monitor my heart. They put this crown on my head to monitor my brain waves. When the doctor put all that shit on me, he was like, “All right, you can sleep now.” I was like… I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me? I look like a Christmas tree.” But I fell asleep. I can sleep in any situation back then, man, and I fell asleep. The doctor let me sleep about 15 minutes, maybe 15 minutes. And he kicked the door open. Scared the shit out of me. Like, he literally kicked the door open. [imitates kick] “Get up!” I was like– [gasping] Piss. He goes, “How long you been sleeping like this?” I go, “My whole life.” He goes, “Holy shit!” He goes, “I’m surprised you’re not dead yet!” I go, “Why?” He goes, “You sleep like a 400-pound obese man.” I go, “Are you serious?” He goes, “Yeah, I’m serious. “We monitor how many times you wake up a minute. Want to know how many times you wake up a minute?” I go, “How many times?” He goes, “60 times a minute.” There’s only 60 seconds in a minute. That means I’ve been sleeping like this my whole life… Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! He wanted to perform surgery that week. He goes, “I want to cut your soft palate out “and your tonsils out. “That way you breathe better. You have a passage– an open passage for you to breathe better.” And I was like, “Well, how long is the healing process?” He goes, “About three months.” I go, “I can’t do that. I’m on the road every week. I can’t do that.” He goes, “Well, there is an alternative.” I go, “What?” He goes, “A CPAP machine.” Yeah. A CPAP machine. If you don’t know what a CPAP machine is– I have to wear this mask on my face, all right? These two straps go behind my head. It looks like I have a jockstrap on my face. This hose goes out into a machine, I press power, and it blows air down my throat. But when I wear it, I sleep like an angel. Just– [purrs] Every now and then, I’ll knock the straps off. [imitates snapping] It’s like a scene from Aliens. I don’t tell any girl about this machine until the first night we do it… ’cause if I tell her before, it’s a deal breaker. No girl is gonna sleep with a guy with a fuckin’ machine next to his bed. She walks into the room, and she sees that machine, she’s like, “What the fuck is that?” And I just look at her and go… [deep, distorted voice] “How are you feeling?” I love you so much, you guys. Thank you. [cheers and applause] [hip-hop music] ♪ ♪ | What? What? Oh, shit. Wow. We’re in Los Angel– This is why I love coming home to Los Angeles. This is my home right now, man. [cheers and applause] This is where we do it. Like, just look around, man. Everyone, just look at this, man. Like, we got every color of the rainbow in the theater tonight. That’s when you know you’re in L.A. I mean, we got–like, you can smell each race in here. You know what I mean? I can smell every– like, you can– There’s, like, some tortillas right around here. Chicken and waffles right around… Right around this area there’s a chicken and waffle… Some Filipino food all over the goddamn place. [cheers and applause] Is that–is that– How many Filipinos in here right now? Let me just hear how many Filipinos. [crowd cheers] Shit. That’s a lot of Filipinos. Somewhere in Glendale, there’s an empty hospital. No nurses working tonight. Nurses’ day off. Just doctors walking around, going, “Where’s Bernadette?” [Filipino accent] “She’s at the comedy show.” [chuckles] That’s how Filip– That’s how those Filipino nurses talk. Like, the ones that didn’t come to the show, the snitchy fuckin’ Filipino nurse. She’s pissed off that she didn’t go. All the other Filipino nurses came to the show. Now she’s telling the doctor, “She’s at the comedy show. “I was in the break room, “and her purse fall down, ticket fall out, “it says, ‘Jo Koy.’ “And she’s at the show, laughing, having good time.” If you’re not Filipino, that’s how they talk. My mom talks like that. Right? It doesn’t matter how exciting the news is, my mom’s face always looks depressed. Most exciting news in the world, depression on the face. “It’s your sister’s birthday.” “Your brother’s getting married.” “Oh, that sucks, Mom.” My mom would give the worst advice. The worst advi–That’s why I had to leave my mom. Worst advice. If I go to the bar, my mom’s the first one to call me and go, “Josep, are you going to a bar out there? “Are you going out there? To those bars? That bar?” “Yeah, I’m going to those bars, Mom, why?” “Which bar? Which bar, Josep? Which?” Like she knows all the fucking bars. “I’m just going to a bar. Why, Mom? Why are you call– I got to go.” “Well, because, Josep, the reason why I’m asking you…” That’s how my mom talks to me. She’s got to fucking sing. “Jo-sep, the reason why I’m telling you “why what bar is because there’s people out there putting drugs in the drinks.” “What are you talking about, Mom?” “Drugs, Josep, drugs. They call it ‘rupie.'” “Did you say, ‘rupie’?” “Yes, Josep, ‘rupie.'” “You mean ‘roofie’?” “Yes, Josep, ‘ru-pie.'” “Mom, why? Why are you talk–” “Because, Josep, what it is “is they put it in the drinks. And it’s a date rape drug.” “Mom, I’m all right. “I-I-I don’t think anyone’s gonna ‘rupie’ me. “So, thank you. I’m late, I got to go. Thank you for the advice, but, uh, I’m gonna be okay.” And then she gets mad. “Oh, okay, Josep, you know what? Then just go. “Go, Josep. “Go to those bars. “And drink several drinks. And put them all over the bar.” “Someone will put a rupie in one of those drinks. “You will drink it, fall asleep, you wake up, “they’re fucking your ass. “Fucking your ass. “And then you’ll wake up– ‘My butt hurt!’ You got rupied.” Just a side note, any guy that’s ever roofied a girl, you’re a piece of shit. That’s fucked up. Roofie a girl. That is such bullshit. You roofie a girl. Are you kidding me? That’s horrible. Don’t roofie a girl. This is what I do… Creepy guys, listen up. Don’t roofie a girl. That’s illegal. This is what I do. When you’re out drinking with a girl, all right, use the voice that she thinks she hears when she’s being roofied. It’s hysterical. She doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. Like, right when she takes a sip out of her drink, just look at her and go, [deep, distorted voice] “How are you feeling?” “Wha–Wha?” “I said, ‘How are you feeling?'” “I don’t feel good.” “You don’t look good either.” [low chuckle] [chuckles] There are some guys here that are gonna try that shit tonight. I swear to God. You creepy fuckers. Don’t do it at the bar across the street, you’ll get caught. Buy a girl a drink, and look at her, and go, “How are you feeling?” And she’s like, “I was at that show, asshole.” – I was in my first earthquake. It was about– it was about four years ago or five years ago. It was with my son. It was the first earthquake I was ever in with my son, and, uh, it was so funny, ’cause he was sitting–he was sitting on the couch like this watching, uh, TV, right? And, uh, and I’d just got out of the shower and I’m toweling off. Now, if you’ve never been in an earthquake, it lasts maybe, what, three seconds at the most? But it feels like eternity, right? So I just remember– I’d just got out of the shower, and I’m toweling off, and then all of the sudden, everything starts shaking. Just… [imitates rumbling] I was like, “Oh, fuck, earthquake,” right? So I had to go get my son, and everything was like slow-motion, so I started running to the living room. It was like, [slowly] “Jo! “Jo! Jo!” Wet, naked. “Jo! Jo!” I came around the corner, and my son looked at me like this… “Aah!” “Jo! Jo!” “Aah!” “Jo! Jo!” “Aah!” And the earthquake stopped, so I put him back on the couch, and I kissed him. I go, “I love you.” And I walk back to the room, wet, naked. And I was toweling off, and I started thinking to myself. I was like, “Should I tell him what just happened?” He has no idea what the fuck just happened. He was just watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and his wet, naked dad came running around the corner going, [slow] “I love you, Jo!” So I didn’t tell him. Fuck it, I’m gonna let it sit in the back of his head for the rest of his life. Every time there’s an earthquake, he’s gonna go, “Oh, shit! Do you see my dad? You see my dad?” [slow] “Jo!” If you don’t have kids, all right, they’re a joy. I love my son to death, man. He’s eight years old–he’s the love of my life, all right? But if you don’t have kids and you’re thinking about having kids, ’cause I know there’s some people in here like, “I’m ready to have a kid. I want to be a mommy,” and there’s some guys like, “I want to be a daddy.” Um, shut the fuck up. Shut up. No, you’re not. You’re not ready. Look at me. Look at this. Look! Take a close look. I used to have long, beautiful hair. It’s gone! Pull out. Pull the fuck out. It’s your only option. Use it. Pull out. This is all you got to do. “Ha!” Baby, no baby. Minivan, sports car. There’s parents in here too. I see you guys. You don’t even have to tell me you’re a parent. You don’t have to applaud. You don’t have to say shit. I know what a parent looks like. Parents recognize parents. We just know. When I said, “pull out,” there were some parents in here like, “Yeah, I should have.” Parents don’t want to go home. You guys are laughing and having a good time right now, but in the back of your head, you’re like, “Fuck… I hope he’s asleep.” And he’s not. He’s not. When you go home, they’re waiting for you. You know why? ‘Cause your babysitter fed him fucking Cocoa Puffs and chocolate milk for fucking dinner. So now they’re standing by the front door like fucking crackheads. And they’re always holding heavy shit for no reason. Just naked with a box of LEGOs. And then you open the door, “Daddy!” Go to sleep! My son’s got to tell me six hours’ worth of shit in two minutes. The minute I walk in, he’s got to tell me everything he did while I was gone. “Daddy! You’re not gonna believe this, “but I played NBA 2K11 in 3D, Daddy! “Blake Griffin dunked the basketball “and the ball came right at me, and I was like, “‘Oh, my God, that is so cool!’ “Daddy, I made a basketball out of LEGOs, “but Mommy said I can’t throw it in the house “’cause it might break a window! “Daddy, I tried Yoo-hoo for the first time. I like chocolate!” [cheers and applause] Love my son. Any new parents out there? This is my only suggestion, right now. This is the only thing I can give you as another parent is take a lot of pictures and take a lot of videotape– as much as you can. And actually, every time your kid goes, “Mommy, pick me up. Daddy, carry me.” Pick ’em up. Carry ’em. Don’t look at ’em and go, “You got legs, walk!” Don’t do that shit, ’cause they grow up that fast, and there’s gonna come a time where they don’t want you to pick ’em up anymore and you’re gonna miss those fucking days. I’m gonna hold my son till he’s 20. I don’t give a fuck. We’re gonna be at the mall, my son’s gonna be like, “Dad, this is ridiculous.” “Just hurry up and burp, son.” Take a lot of video. Capture every moment. It’s called evidence. Everything that makes your son cry or be sad, get it on tape. Use it against him. The worst day of my son’s life was his first day of school. He didn’t want to go to school. Kept crying till 3:00 in the morning. Crying all night, “I don’t want to go to school, Daddy! “I want to stay home, Daddy! I don’t want to go! “I’m a good boy! “I don’t even know those people, Daddy, “and you’re gonna make me go to school! “I don’t want to go! [whining incoherently] I want to stay home!” And I’m like, “Jo! “Go to sleep! “It’s 3:00 in the morning! “Go to bed! Baby, you’re gonna have fun in school. “You get to learn things in school. “You get to meet new friends in school. “You get to play with your new friends at recess. “You’re gonna have fun, baby. “Daddy’s gonna take you to school, so why are you scared? I’m gonna be there for you.” And then I was like, “Oh, shit, “I got to get the camera. I got to get all this crying on tape.” That way, when he gets older and starts talking shit, I got that tape. ‘Cause you know how little boys are when they’re 16. They talk shit to their dads. It’s like, “Dad, why are you a dick all the time?” And I go, “Really?” and I pop the tape in. “What about that, bitch?” But that didn’t happen. I brought him to his first day of school. My son grew up just like that, right before my eyes. Turned into a little man. Teacher said his name, he walked right past me. I tried to kiss him, he did that Matrix shit on me. Standing in the single-file line like this, holding his backpack. And these two little boys that obviously went to preschool together. They’re in the same class. They run up behind my son. “This is gonna be fun. “We’re gonna have fun in kindergarten. We’re gonna have fun in kindergarten!” My son doesn’t even know these kids, but he keeps looking at them, trying to engage in some type of conversation. Like, [childlike voice] “Yeah, this is gonna be fun.” “Yeah, I-I’m gonna be your friend.” [growls] “Look at my ting-ting.” [laughs] I’m across the auditorium, I’m recording everything, and he sees me. So I mouth to him. I go, “I love you. I love you.” And my son goes like this… What a dick, right? And then a teacher goes, “All right, we’re gonna take “the kids to class, and even if your kid starts crying, “don’t come with us ’cause we’re trying to break that bond. Parents, stay in the auditorium.” I go, “All right, now my son’s gonna cry.” Reality check. Daddy’s got to leave. So I run up to my son. I’m trying to squeeze one tear out of this fucker. I’m saying mean shit too, like, “Daddy’s got to go. That’s a lot of scary people here.” “Watch out.” My son goes like this, “So what, Daddy? “Just go. Get out of here.” And I was like this… [dejectedly] “Okay.” “You don’t–you don’t have to say it so loud. “I just want you to know I made you a sandwich “and I put Go-Gurt in your backpack, “and there’s a Capri Sun. “And if you’re still hungry, Daddy put $3 in your pocket “so you can get– I got to go. I got to go.” And I leaned in to kiss him like this and put his little baby hand on my face, just like that. So cute. And he goes, “Move.” He fucking pushed my face and walked out that door with those two boys he’d just met in line. And now they think he’s king shit ’cause he just bitch-slapped his dad. So I stopped him. You’re not gonna punk me. I don’t give a fuck if you’re five. I was like, “Jo, turn around. Daddy’s got to talk to you. Turn around.” He’s like, “What you want, Daddy? I’m with my friends.” His one friend’s like, “You okay, Jo?” “I got this.” “What you want, Daddy?” I go, “Baby, I just want you to know one thing “before you go to class, okay? “I just want you to know that I, uh… I could have pulled out.” “What are you talking about, Daddy?” “I’m just saying you could have ended up on a pillowcase or a shirt.” “Daddy, what are you talking about?” “I’m just saying, your mommy could have swallowed you. I’ll pick you up at 2:15.” I’m gonna tell you a story about Filipino moms and their sons. Now, Filipino moms do shit to their sons that may not be socially accepted in America, but I just want you to know, I’m okay. Now, I know that’s a creepy way to introduce a joke, but just believe me, I’m all right. Now, my mom was at my house when, uh, my son was about 3 1/2, 4 years old, okay? And he just got done taking a bath, and he’s like, “Daddy, I’m done taking a bath! Come and get me!” Right? And my mom was like, “Little Jo, I’ll take care of you. Come to Grandma! Come on, come to Grandma!” And my son was like, “Grandma!” And he jumped out of the bathtub– wet, naked– running to his grandma. “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” “Come to Grandma!” “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” “Come to Grandma!” “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” And he got right in front of his grandma, and my mom grabbed his dick and went, “I got your tite!” “Aah!” And he fucking ran. “Aah!” And I laughed. [laughs] ‘Cause she used to do that shit to me! I used to hate it when my mom grabbed my tite. And here’s the fucked-up part. My mom would get mad at me for getting mad at her for touching my tite. How fucked up is that? She’s like, “I got your tite!” I’m like, “Mom! Don’t do that!” [offended gasp] “Why can I not touch your tite?” “‘Cause I’m 32!” I love her. I don’t know how my mom did it. You know what I mean? My mom’s amazing. You know what I mean? She had two kids that were living at home at the time when she was, you know, when she was single, you know? And she raised both of us, uh, really well. She was amazing. She became the mother and the father. And the reason why I tell you that is because she reminded us every fucking day. There wasn’t a day that my mom didn’t tell us that. Just me and my sister just playing in the room, playing around, and then my mom would just come into the room and go, “I just want you kids “to know one thing. “I’m the mother and the father.” “I bring home the bacon, and I cook that motherfucker too.” My mom was tough as shit. I dare anybody to fuck with my mom’s kids. Dare anybody. My mom was 4’10”. She’ll fight anybody. She didn’t give a shit. That’s how tough my mom was. I remember one time I was at a shoe store, and I was fucking up the shoe wall. You know, the shoe display wall? Fucking it up. Just putting shoes all over the place, right? And the salesman saw me and was like, “Hey, get the fuck out of here! Fucking up the shoe wall. Get the fuck out!” He’s cursing at me, right? He didn’t know my mom was in the back of the store. He couldn’t see her. She’s 4’10”! My mom popped around the corner, she was like, “Hey! “Who are you talking to? “You don’t talk to my children like that! “Who are you, huh? I want to speak to the manager!” And the guy started making fun of my mom’s accent. [mocking Filipino] “Oh, you want to spek-spek “to the manager? Huh? You want to tok-tok to the man-a-ger?” And my mom goes, “Oh, that’s funny. “You’re making fun of my accent? “I live in your country, and I speak two languages– “Tagalog and English. “You live here. How many do you speak? One? You’re stupid.” So the guy started cursing at my mom, right? He was like, “You know what? I don’t need to hear this shit. “Get the fuck out of my store! Take your kid and get the fuck out of my store!” Right? So my mom started cursing back, right? And I’ve seen my mom curse before, but we’d never seen her get into a curse fight. And when you curse, certain words go together, but my mom takes whatever curse words she knows and throws ’em at you. He’s like, “Get the fuck out of my store!” And my mom goes, “Oh, yeah? You son of a shit! “Fuck your pussy has a dick with shit in it and your pussy “has a mother, mothershit, you! Fuck your pussy, you!” I looked at my sister, go, “Did Mom just say ‘mothershit’?” If I lost something, I lost it. My mom would never help us find shit, right? Normal parents–normal parents help their fucking kids, right? Normal parents help. It’s like, “Okay, what? “Did you lose something? Your keys? “What? Was it in your pants? “Well, what jeans? Were you wearing jeans? Well, let’s look for those jeans.” That’s how you fucking help your kids find shit. Not my mom. If I lost something, I can guarantee my mom’s right behind me fucking with me. Right? She enjoys that shit. If I’m looking under the couch, I guarantee my mom’s right behind me like, “Oh, what? What? What? “What? What’s under– What’s under the couch, Josep? “Is it your keys? “Did you lose your keys again? Oh, maybe they walk under the couch like that?” Now I got to ask my mom for help. That’s the worst mistake I can make. “Mom, I’m late for work. Do you know where my keys are?” “Josep, did you just ask me where your keys are? “Isn’t that a stupid question? “That is a stupid question, Josep. “‘Excuse me, person that does not drive my car, do you know where my keys are?'” [laughs] “That is stupid, Josep! “Why don’t you ask me where my keys are? “I’ll know the answer to that. “Go ahead, Josep. Ask me! Come on! Ask me right now!” “Mom, do you know where your keys are?” [laughing] “Of course I do! “Of course I do, Josep! “I know where my keys are all the time. “You know why, Josep? “Because I put them in the same place “that I always put my keys. “I hang them over here, oh, on this wooden plaque… “that says ‘keys.’ “Josep, when you lose something, “do you use your eyes to look for it, “or do you use your mouth? “Because every time you lose something, Josep, “you use your mouth to find something. “You can’t find anything like that, Josep. “You just walk around, ‘Has anybody seen my keys? “‘I don’t know where my keys are. “I’m late for work.’ Open your eyes! Look for them!” My mom never hit us, and she never put us in time-out. She had something better than that. It was called lecturing. If I did something wrong, my mom had at least two hours’ worth of shit to say about it. And it would last so long that it would just–I would look at my mom and go, “Mom, just fucking hit me already.” “I don’t want to hear your voice anymore.” And if I did something wrong, it wasn’t because– like, if I got a bad grade in school– it wasn’t because I wasn’t studying, it was because I was trying to kill my mom. I was physically trying to kill my mother. You know what I mean? Like, my mom would look at me and go, “Josep, you’re getting a D in math? “Why? Why are you doing that, Josep? “I did not come to this country to give you a better education, “that way you get a D and not be successful in life, “and then you’re going to live in poverty. “That’s how I live in the Philippines. “I do not want you to do that, Josep. “Are you trying to give me heart attack? “I’m going to die, Josep. Why are you going to do this to me, Josep?” I’m like, “Mom, just fucking hit me. Hit me, Mom.” [laughs] The only time my mom ever got physical with me was at church. Weirdest place, right? Physical at church. And the reason why is ’cause when you’re 10, 11 years old, you hate church for the simple fact that you don’t– you got to sit there for an hour and a half on this wooden pew. And you got to sit there. When you’re 10, 11 years old, you don’t even have ass meat yet. It’s just bone on wood. That’s why kids move around so much, ’cause they can’t feel their asses anymore. And that guy won’t stop preaching. Just… [religious vocalizing] “Josep! Josep! “Sit up straight! “What is wrong with you? “Stop acting like this, huh? “I’m telling you, this is my last warning. “You better stop acting like this, I’m telling you. You will not be happy.” [religious vocalizing] “Josep! “Turn around! Turn around! “Sorry, sorry. “What is wrong with you? “Why are you acting like this? “You better behave, huh? “This is my last warning, huh? “I’m telling you right now, you will not be happy.” And I would taunt my mom, ’cause we were in church. I’m like, “What are you gonna do? Are you gonna– are you gonna hit me?” And my mom would take her fingertips, the tips of her nails, and she would grab a pinch of skin– You know what I’m talking about, right? And she would pinch so hard I could actually feel the nails touch inside of me. It would hurt so bad that I would lean in like this, “Aah!” And my mom would whisper in my ear, “Who’s laughing now?” – This is my 19th year in stand-up, and when I told my mom 19 years ago that I wasn’t going to college, she cried. Cried. “Why, Josep? “Comedian, really? That’s what you want to do? “There’s no–there’s no future in comedian, Josep. “There’s no money to be made in comedian, Josep. “What are you, a clown? “You’re going to be clown, Josep? “How about if you get sick, Josep? “There’s no health insurance. “There’s no health insurance if you get sick. “How are you going to pay the doctor? “Jokes? “‘Oh, thank you, doctor. What do I owe you? “‘Oh, really? Knock-knock.'” The one person that did believe in me–my Lola Tina. My grandmother, right? My grandmother passed away of cancer, uh, 19 years ago. Like, she passed away of cancer. And the cool thing about my grandmother is she fought that shit to the end. She was diagnosed with it, and she was supposed to go like that, and she ended up fighting that shit for five years, and we all– Yeah, it was amazing. [cheers and applause] It was a sad time, but it was a good time. You know what I mean? ‘Cause I got to– We all moved to Vegas. That’s why I moved to Vegas, is to be with my grandmother. And, uh, and it was a sad time, but it was a good time, because, uh, those times that I was with her, she would, you know– I got to meet my grandma. I got to know my grandma. She would tell me stories, and I would just sit there and listen all day. Man, she would tell me all kinds of stories, and I would just listen to her like, “Are you serious? “Really, Grandma? So she used to lose her keys too, huh?” Tough as shit, man– my grandmother was tough. And I know that’s where I got my funny from, my grandmother, you know what I mean? She was funny, and she would do it indirectly. Like, catch me off guard all the time. Like, I would take her to chemo, and we’re just driving in the car, and she’d be like, “Josep… Josep.” I’m like, “What, Grandma?” “I just want you to know that when I die–” I’m like, “Grandma, don’t say that. I don’t like it when you talk like that.” “No, it’s okay. “Why can I not talk about that? “I’m gonna go to Heaven. You don’t want me to go to Heaven?” One time, we were sitting on the couch, right? And my– and we’re watching TV. It’s a true story. This is so fucked up. She goes, “Josep. Josep.” I go, “What, Grandma? What?” She’s like, “I just want you to know that when I– when I pass away–” I’m like, “Grandma, please. Don’t talk like that. I don’t like it when you talk–” “No, it’s okay, Josep. “I am okay with it, you should be okay with it also. “But when I pass away, I just want you to know that every time you go to sleep”… “I’m going to be watching you.” “Sometimes I will tickle your toes, “and you’ll wake up, “and then you’ll look at your feet, and then I’ll go, ‘Ahhh.'” One time, I was taking her back, right, from chemo, and I laid her on her bed, right? I put her on the bed, and I go, “Lola, if you need anything, just call me. “I’ll be right here. I’ll take care of you, okay? Just call me.” She’s like, “Okay, Josep. Love you.” I go, “I love you.” And I started to walk out, and she goes, “Josep! Bless me! Bless me!” If you’re not Filipino, let me tell you what blessing is. This is what we do with our elders. When you leave and you say good-bye to your elders, this is what we do. Can you stand up? Just stand– let me touch your– get your hand, and you touch the forehead like that. It’s a sign of respect. That’s what we do. We don’t look at our elders and go, “Fuck you, peace.” We don’t do that. “Bye, bitch.” And then walk. We show respect. That’s what you do. And she was like, “Josep, bless me. You can’t leave without blessing your grandmother.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, Grandma. I’m so sorry. I’ll be right there.” And I go, and I grab her hand, right. And I go to touch my forehead, and before I touch my forehead, she grabbed my dick and went, “I got your tite!” I’m like, “Fuck!” Ragh! Pretty sure that’s where my grandma– my mom got all, you know, her personality from. My mom is a spitting image of my grandmother. And it’s cool, I love it. Any time my mom needed to get her point across, she knew how to do it. ‘Cause I never listen to my mom. I always do that. You know what I mean? I just go, “Mom, are you serious? No, that’s ridiculous.” And I’d just walk away from her, and she gets mad, right? But she always found a way to tell me that I was doing something wrong, or she needed to show me, like, “Josep, you need to correct this. Here’s why.” Right? One time, like– I suffer from this thing called sleep apnea, okay? If you don’t know what sleep apnea is, just ask one of the nurses inside the building. They’ll tell you. It’s a form of snoring, only it’s worse. It’s worse than snoring. I choke when I sleep. And I’m loud. I’m so loud that I wake myself up. And you got to see the way I sleep. It’s disgusting. Like, this is what– this is how– This is what I look like when I sleep. [tries to snore through closed throat] Aah! Who is it? Who’s out there? – I didn’t know I had sleep apnea. My mom told me I had sleep apnea. I was asleep at her house about six years ago, sleeping in the guest room, the same way I always do, just like this– [choked snoring] And I woke up– [gasping] My mom’s at the foot of the bed like this. “Oh, my God, Josep!” “You’re dying!” I go, “Mom, I’m not dying. I’m snoring.” “Josep, that is not snoring. You look like this”… “Josep, you have to go to a doctor and get that checked out. “I’m telling you, you’re going to die, “and I don’t want you to die, Josep, because I’ll die of heart attack if you die, oh, my God, Josep–” “Mom, I’m not gonna go to a doctor for snoring. How long were you watching me? That’s creepy.” And I kicked her out. “Get out of here! Get out of here, Mom!” “I’m sorry, Josep. “I did not mean to startle you. “It’s just that I was walking to the kitchen, “and I heard a noise coming from the guest room. “It sounded like… someone was killing a bear.” “And I was like, ‘I don’t have a bear.'” “So I opened the door, “and I noticed that it was just you, Josep. “Snoring. “So, I’m sorry. You don’t have to go to a doctor. “Just go to sleep. Go to sleep.” “And die.” So, I went back to sleep. Same shit. [choked snoring] And I woke up. [gasping] My mom’s at the foot of the bed with a fucking camcorder. “I got it all on videotape!” “You fucking recorded me?” “Uh-huh, Josep, I put it on videotape. “That way, you can see what I’m talking about, Josep. “It’s not right. Watch the videotape. You’ll go to a doctor, Josep. Please watch it–” I’m like, “All right, Mom, I’ll watch the videotape! I can’t believe you recorded me, Mom.” “Just watch the tape.” “All right, put it in.” And she put the tape in. Before she pressed play, this is what my mom did. “Everybody, come downstairs! “We’re going to watch Josep sleep. It’s scary!” She pressed play. I watched it. It’s the creepiest video you’ll ever see. It’s shot in that– that black light. You know what I mean? Like, that surveillance-video shit. It’s pitch-dark in the hallway. My mom can’t even see herself. She’s just standing in front of the camera, and she’s documenting the whole thing like she’s– she’s on Discovery. “We’re outside my son’s room. “He says that– “that he is snoring, and I told him that he is not snoring. “So, I’m going to get this on videotape. “That way, he’ll see it, and then go to a doctor. Um, let’s take a closer look.” I watched the videotape. It’s horrible. It’s horrible. And I saw myself sleeping. I couldn’t believe it. I ended up going to a sleep center. I had to go there. They had to monitor my sleeping behavior. You know what I mean? The doctor put all these wires on my toes, these wires on my fingertips, this chest pad to monitor my heart. They put this crown on my head to monitor my brain waves. When the doctor put all that shit on me, he was like, “All right, you can sleep now.” I was like… I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me? I look like a Christmas tree.” But I fell asleep. I can sleep in any situation back then, man, and I fell asleep. The doctor let me sleep about 15 minutes, maybe 15 minutes. And he kicked the door open. Scared the shit out of me. Like, he literally kicked the door open. [imitates kick] “Get up!” I was like– [gasping] Piss. He goes, “How long you been sleeping like this?” I go, “My whole life.” He goes, “Holy shit!” He goes, “I’m surprised you’re not dead yet!” I go, “Why?” He goes, “You sleep like a 400-pound obese man.” I go, “Are you serious?” He goes, “Yeah, I’m serious. “We monitor how many times you wake up a minute. Want to know how many times you wake up a minute?” I go, “How many times?” He goes, “60 times a minute.” There’s only 60 seconds in a minute. That means I’ve been sleeping like this my whole life… Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! He wanted to perform surgery that week. He goes, “I want to cut your soft palate out “and your tonsils out. “That way you breathe better. You have a passage– an open passage for you to breathe better.” And I was like, “Well, how long is the healing process?” He goes, “About three months.” I go, “I can’t do that. I’m on the road every week. I can’t do that.” He goes, “Well, there is an alternative.” I go, “What?” He goes, “A CPAP machine.” Yeah. A CPAP machine. If you don’t know what a CPAP machine is– I have to wear this mask on my face, all right? These two straps go behind my head. It looks like I have a jockstrap on my face. This hose goes out into a machine, I press power, and it blows air down my throat. But when I wear it, I sleep like an angel. Just– [purrs] Every now and then, I’ll knock the straps off. [imitates snapping] It’s like a scene from Aliens. I don’t tell any girl about this machine until the first night we do it… ’cause if I tell her before, it’s a deal breaker. No girl is gonna sleep with a guy with a fuckin’ machine next to his bed. She walks into the room, and she sees that machine, she’s like, “What the fuck is that?” And I just look at her and go… [deep, distorted voice] “How are you feeling?” I love you so much, you guys. Thank you. [cheers and applause] [hip-hop music] ♪ ♪ |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bert-kreischer-fighting-a-bear-transcript/ | Bert Kreischer: Fighting A Bear [Transcript] | bert kreischer | The machine, Mr. Bert Kreischer, everybody. Let him hear it. [cheers and applause] I fought a bear one time. [laughs] I know– It sounds as ridiculous to me as it does to you. But I used to have a show called Hurt Bert. It was on FX, and I used to take new men’s dangerous jobs. Every week, it was a brand-new guy, and I took his dangerous job. So you can imagine the excitement I got when I had– when I got a call one morning and they said, “Hey, do you want to fight a bear?” I was like, “Who does that for a living?” And they’re like, “You do on Thursday.” So I show up on set, and it’s a real grizzly bear. It is a 9-foot bear sitting on a park bench just– A vacant look in– As dumb as you think a bear would look. So I walk up. I’m 28 years old. I don’t know any better. I stick my hand in front of his nose so he can get my scent, and the trainer loses his shit. He goes, “What are you doing?” I was like, “I’m letting– He’s getting my scent.” He goes, “This is a grizzly bear, not a labradoodle.” He goes, “That’s not how we do it. We have protocol around here.” I said, “Okay, what am I supposed to do?” He goes, “Take these,” and he hands me five marshmallows. He goes, “When the bear’s not looking, “take a marshmallow, put it in your mouth. “Then, discreetly walk in front of the bear, “just casually, show him the marshmallow like– “And allow the bear the opportunity to engage you. “He needs to engage you “and take the marshmallow out of your mouth with his mouth. This way, he’ll learn to trust you.” And I was like, “fuck that. “Who thought of this, the bear? Is this the bear’s idea?” He’s like, “Hey, buddy, this is how we do it,” and my whole television crew is behind him like… ♪ This is how we do it ♪ It’s my second TV show ever. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m 28, and I want– So I’m like, “All right. I don’t care. I’ll do it.” So I take five marshmallows, I hide behind the bear, and like David Blaine, I whip one into my mouth. Then nonchalantly walk in front of the bear like a street hooker, like… [moaning] And the bear goes from vacant to excited, just… [snorts and roars] And I’m going… [muffled crying] And he starts jumping. [roars] And I’m going… [cries] And he rushes me and tongues it out of my mouth. Tongues it. Bears never brush their teeth. I’m making out with a homeless person five times in a row. And I’m like… [retching] We get done, and the trainer goes, “Fantastic. We’re ready.” I go, “Hold on. I haven’t learned anything.” He goes, “You kidding me? “You learned the most important lesson of the day, and that is, the bear likes marshmallows.” I go, “What’s that mean for me?” He goes, “Listen, if you get in trouble, “just very confidently say ‘marshmallow,’ “and what’ll happen is, the bear will hear that, “and he’ll give you some space to do your marshmallow trick. “But we’ll hear it, we’ll know you’re in trouble, and we’ll get you out of there; that’s your safe word.” I was like, “Yeah, but he thinks they’re inside me.” He’s like, “You’ll be fine. Let’s go!” And the bear– I swear– And I know you’re gonna go, “Bullshit.” The bear was smiling. He was– He’s got that look in his face like, “I know how to get marshmallows around here, bitch.” And he runs up to me, and I can’t express it perfectly. It’s like being in a car crash, the most helpless I’ve ever felt. He grabs me by the ears, both paws, lifts me off the ground effortlessly, and starts trying to shake marshmallows out of my ass, just… [roars] And I’m going, “Marshmallow, marshmallow. Marshmallow!” But no one can hear me ’cause there’s a 9-foot grizzly bear going… [roaring] All of a sudden, he drops me, and that is at the moment that I thought I was gonna die. He lets go, and I’m like, “Thank God.” Then his fingernail grabbed my belt loop, just snagged it, and he spun me doggy style and locked on in a bear hug, just… [roars] Grinding gently on my ass, just– Now we’re both facing the same direction. I’m looking at the crew, the trainer, going, “Marshmallow. Marshmallow, marshmallow.” Everyone’s laughing except for the trainer, who looks panicked. He waves and catches eyes with me and goes, “Go limp!” I’m like, “Please be talking to me right now. “A–Is there a bear cock climbing up my jeans?” About to split center seam, just– [strained] “Marshmallow.” So I go limp. I go limp. Now it looks like I’m getting date raped by a bear, just– I slide out of his paws, land on my back, and that’s the last thing I remember, because apparently his instincts took over and he sat on my face. My wife, who I had been dating for three months at the time– I had invited her to the set so I could impress her. My wife’s not afraid of big animals at all. She goes over to the bag of marshmallows, grabs a marshmallow, puts it in her mouth. Stands by my feet and goes– The bear then takes his balls out of my mouth, walks over to her. They pull the bear to one side, her to the other. They drag me under a tree, and I wake up in the lap of my producer Tim Scott. I open my eyes. I look at Tim. It’s the first thing I see, and I was like, “What happened?” He was like, “Well, you got raped and tea-bagged by a bear. You might want to get tested.” And he’s like, “That chick– that LeAnn chick, I think she saved your life.” And I look over, and my wife, at that moment, is coming running over to me, and it’s like– It’s out of a movie, and I know you’re gonna go, “Really, is this how this fucking happened?” Well, it’s my narrative, okay? She leans in. Her head blocks the sun. There is a halo from the Lord himself, or herself– I don’t care. And she is staring down at me, and she says to me in her Southern accent, “Are you okay?” And I look back at her with the sun caressing her face, and I knew without a doubt in that instant, at that very moment– You’re like, “Really? That’s when you knew?” Yeah, that’s when I knew. I would’ve never done that for her. Thank you, guys. [cheers and applause] | [cheers and applause] I fought a bear one time. [laughs] I know– It sounds as ridiculous to me as it does to you. But I used to have a show called Hurt Bert. It was on FX, and I used to take new men’s dangerous jobs. Every week, it was a brand-new guy, and I took his dangerous job. So you can imagine the excitement I got when I had– when I got a call one morning and they said, “Hey, do you want to fight a bear?” I was like, “Who does that for a living?” And they’re like, “You do on Thursday.” So I show up on set, and it’s a real grizzly bear. It is a 9-foot bear sitting on a park bench just– A vacant look in– As dumb as you think a bear would look. So I walk up. I’m 28 years old. I don’t know any better. I stick my hand in front of his nose so he can get my scent, and the trainer loses his shit. He goes, “What are you doing?” I was like, “I’m letting– He’s getting my scent.” He goes, “This is a grizzly bear, not a labradoodle.” He goes, “That’s not how we do it. We have protocol around here.” I said, “Okay, what am I supposed to do?” He goes, “Take these,” and he hands me five marshmallows. He goes, “When the bear’s not looking, “take a marshmallow, put it in your mouth. “Then, discreetly walk in front of the bear, “just casually, show him the marshmallow like– “And allow the bear the opportunity to engage you. “He needs to engage you “and take the marshmallow out of your mouth with his mouth. This way, he’ll learn to trust you.” And I was like, “fuck that. “Who thought of this, the bear? Is this the bear’s idea?” He’s like, “Hey, buddy, this is how we do it,” and my whole television crew is behind him like… ♪ This is how we do it ♪ It’s my second TV show ever. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m 28, and I want– So I’m like, “All right. I don’t care. I’ll do it.” So I take five marshmallows, I hide behind the bear, and like David Blaine, I whip one into my mouth. Then nonchalantly walk in front of the bear like a street hooker, like… [moaning] And the bear goes from vacant to excited, just… [snorts and roars] And I’m going… [muffled crying] And he starts jumping. [roars] And I’m going… [cries] And he rushes me and tongues it out of my mouth. Tongues it. Bears never brush their teeth. I’m making out with a homeless person five times in a row. And I’m like… [retching] We get done, and the trainer goes, “Fantastic. We’re ready.” I go, “Hold on. I haven’t learned anything.” He goes, “You kidding me? “You learned the most important lesson of the day, and that is, the bear likes marshmallows.” I go, “What’s that mean for me?” He goes, “Listen, if you get in trouble, “just very confidently say ‘marshmallow,’ “and what’ll happen is, the bear will hear that, “and he’ll give you some space to do your marshmallow trick. “But we’ll hear it, we’ll know you’re in trouble, and we’ll get you out of there; that’s your safe word.” I was like, “Yeah, but he thinks they’re inside me.” He’s like, “You’ll be fine. Let’s go!” And the bear– I swear– And I know you’re gonna go, “Bullshit.” The bear was smiling. He was– He’s got that look in his face like, “I know how to get marshmallows around here, bitch.” And he runs up to me, and I can’t express it perfectly. It’s like being in a car crash, the most helpless I’ve ever felt. He grabs me by the ears, both paws, lifts me off the ground effortlessly, and starts trying to shake marshmallows out of my ass, just… [roars] And I’m going, “Marshmallow, marshmallow. Marshmallow!” But no one can hear me ’cause there’s a 9-foot grizzly bear going… [roaring] All of a sudden, he drops me, and that is at the moment that I thought I was gonna die. He lets go, and I’m like, “Thank God.” Then his fingernail grabbed my belt loop, just snagged it, and he spun me doggy style and locked on in a bear hug, just… [roars] Grinding gently on my ass, just– Now we’re both facing the same direction. I’m looking at the crew, the trainer, going, “Marshmallow. Marshmallow, marshmallow.” Everyone’s laughing except for the trainer, who looks panicked. He waves and catches eyes with me and goes, “Go limp!” I’m like, “Please be talking to me right now. “A–Is there a bear cock climbing up my jeans?” About to split center seam, just– [strained] “Marshmallow.” So I go limp. I go limp. Now it looks like I’m getting date raped by a bear, just– I slide out of his paws, land on my back, and that’s the last thing I remember, because apparently his instincts took over and he sat on my face. My wife, who I had been dating for three months at the time– I had invited her to the set so I could impress her. My wife’s not afraid of big animals at all. She goes over to the bag of marshmallows, grabs a marshmallow, puts it in her mouth. Stands by my feet and goes– The bear then takes his balls out of my mouth, walks over to her. They pull the bear to one side, her to the other. They drag me under a tree, and I wake up in the lap of my producer Tim Scott. I open my eyes. I look at Tim. It’s the first thing I see, and I was like, “What happened?” He was like, “Well, you got raped and tea-bagged by a bear. You might want to get tested.” And he’s like, “That chick– that LeAnn chick, I think she saved your life.” And I look over, and my wife, at that moment, is coming running over to me, and it’s like– It’s out of a movie, and I know you’re gonna go, “Really, is this how this fucking happened?” Well, it’s my narrative, okay? She leans in. Her head blocks the sun. There is a halo from the Lord himself, or herself– I don’t care. And she is staring down at me, and she says to me in her Southern accent, “Are you okay?” And I look back at her with the sun caressing her face, and I knew without a doubt in that instant, at that very moment– You’re like, “Really? That’s when you knew?” Yeah, that’s when I knew. I would’ve never done that for her. Thank you, guys. [cheers and applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/the-standups-gina-yashere-2018-transcript/ | The Standups: Gina Yashere (2018) – Full Transcript | the standups | [announcer] And now, coming to the stage, Gina Yashere! [“Afro Puffs” by The Lady of Rage plays] Oi, oi! Oi, oi! What’s happening, Los Angeles? Good to be back. Good to be back. I don’t know if you know this, guys. I used to live here. I lived in L.A. for a few years. Yes, I did. I lived in Los Angeles for a while. Loved it, loved the lifestyle. Beautiful. Had to leave, though. Had to leave. I’m not Hollywood. I’m not Hollywood. Look at this. This… This is not the Hollywood look. This is not. There’s two looks for black women in Hollywood. You either look like Halle Berry… Or Precious. And there’s no… There’s no sliding scale! I used to get the most ridiculous auditions when I was in Hollywood. This was an audition I got sent for. I’m not even making this up. This was the name of the character. Ghetto Hoochie Number Three. I had one line. Do you wanna hear the line? [audience] Yeah! “N i g g a, it’s not your baby!” That was… I said to my agent, “I will not say that. I refuse. I will not say it. I’ve got integrity, I’m a black woman. I will not do it.” And then I saw the money. And I was like, “N i g g a, it’s not your baby!” Do you think I’ll get promoted to Ghetto Hoochie One? What do you think? So, it’s good to be back. So, I don’t know if you… Some of you look a bit confused. Did you know there were black people in England? Did you? We are everywhere. You look confused, though, sir. You’re looking up at me, like, “Is that Idris Elba? What is happening?” I know! From London, England! Born and raised. Obviously, black people are not indigenous to England. My mum came from Nigeria. West Africa. No! Don’t cheer that shit! She went from Nigeria to England. What the fuck was she thinking? My mum had the pick of the globe. She could’ve gone anywhere in the world. I imagine my mum in Nigeria with all her maps spread out before her. “Where shall I go? Where shall I go? You know what? I am fed up with the sunshine. I want to go somewhere with a lot of drizzle… and subtle racism. That’s what I want, subtle.” I don’t know if you know this, Americans, but the Brits are the best at racism. They’re the best! They’re better than you, Americans. They’re so good, you don’t even know you’re being discriminated against. They are fucking ninja racist! And that’s why I prefer good, old-fashioned, American racism. Yeah, I said it, America. I prefer it. It’s in your face. You know where you stand with American racism. You guys have even made movies to let me know where I’m welcome and where I’m not. For instance, I know I’m never going to fucking Mississippi. I’ve seen the films! Having said that, though… my manager did recently put some shows in my calendar… for Birmingham, Alabama. [audience oohs] I know! I saw that in my calendar and I was like, “Fuck, no!” And then I saw the money. And I said, “We shouldn’t be so quick to judge. We should give the people a chance.” So, I went to Birmingham, Alabama, people! It was all right, I had a good time. I experienced that Southern hospitality, the shows were great, and they put me in a very nice hotel. Very nice. I was very surprised by this. I’ll tell you why. I’m from England. All I know about Alabama is from your movies, so I wasn’t expecting to be staying in no nice hotel. I was expecting to be staying in a shack, on a swamp… run by some guy wearing overalls… who referred to me as “boy”! That’s what I was expecting. I was surprised by the hotel. I thought, “Oh, this is lovely! This is very civilized. This is wonderful.” I basically treated Alabama the way white people treat Africa the first time they go. You know, white people. You turn up in Africa for the first time… “Wow! They have cars and shoes and shit.” That’s how I was in Alabama. I was like, “Wow! They have electricity and teeth! This…” Lot of black people in Alabama. That shocked me. I was surprised by that. I was like, “Wow! Lot of black people.” I got off the plane, saw the black people, and I ran up to them, I was like that. “You know you can leave, right? You don’t even have to go underground. You could just drive! I’m learning a lot. So, born and raised, London, England. My mother emigrated from Nigeria to England, had us all in England. So, she was super overprotective. Was very ambitious for us as well. ‘Cause when you have your kids in another country, you want the best. My mum was scared that stuff was gonna happen to us. Like, she was over-the-top, crazy overprotective. I’ll give you an example. This is God’s honest truth. My mother… used to keep a scrapbook… of bus and train crashes. Yeah, I’ll repeat that. A scrapbook of bus and train crashes. Whenever there was an accident, she’d cut the story out of the newspaper, and she’d put it in a special book, and she would use that book to deter us from going places. She used that for everything! “Mum, can I go on a school trip?” She’d be like… [clears throat] “Do you see these children? Look at them. They are all dead. You know why they are dead? Because they wanted to go on a school trip. Their mother said, ‘No, don’t go!’ But they wouldn’t listen. Now, look at them. Dead, dead. Look at them! Dead-y dead. Super dead. Look at their dead faces! Dead! Dead-y dead, dead, dead. Dead-y dead. Super dead. Dead da-da, dead, dead-y. Dead, dead.” She’d use that book for everything. “Mum, can I play in the park?” “You see these children? Look at them. Dead! Dead-y dead! Know why they’re dead? Because they went to play in the park. And they all caught hay fever and died. Dead! Dead!” We once had a school trip to the Tower of London. We lived in an area of London called Tower Hamlets. You can probably tell from the name, it was very close proximity to the Tower of London. I was like, “Mum, look, it’s there. It’s… Look. It’s there. You can hold my hand from the house as I walk in. It’s there.” “You see these children? Look at them, look at them. Dead. Dead! You know why they’re dead? Because they went to the Tower of London. And they were all beheaded by Henry VIII’s ghost. Dead. Dead!” Super overprotective. Didn’t understand a lot of western culture. My mum did not understand the concept of Halloween. She was like, “Halloween? What is this devil business, Halloween? Trick or– What is this trick or treating? So, let me understand. You are running around the neighborhood at night… dressed as a cartoon character… banging on people’s doors… begging. Making people think your mother cannot afford confectionery. There will be no trick or treating. You can trick or treat in the house. You can come and bang on my door and ask me for confectionery. And then I will say, ‘No, go to bed.'” So, I ran away. And I live in America now. ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ That should’ve been your national anthem, Americans. How much more fun would the Olympics have been… if your athletes could’ve gone up on the podium and just gone… ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ Since I was six, I have wanted to live in America. Tell you why. In England, we got all your TV shows and movies, and it looked like American kids were having a great life! You had the coolest clothes, the manicured lawns, and it looked like every American kid rode around on cool bicycles, solving crimes. And I’d be watching that in England, going, “Fuck!” ‘Cause I’m from London. That’s how six-year-olds speak. “Fuck!” American kids were allowed to be detectives! “I want to go to America and become a child sleuth!” Looked like you guys were having a great time! Every TV show I watched was like, kids going, “What do you wanna do after school?” “I don’t know.” “Let’s go to the beach and hang out with Brad and Chad.” And then you guys would frolic to the beach. American kids were always frolicking! Do you know what after-school activity was for me in London? I’ll tell you. It was, “Mike and John… have found a white dog shit behind the shed. Let’s all go look at it.” And then, we’d all gather around this white dog shit. And we’d poke it with a stick for seven hours. Some of you look a little bit confused. You don’t know what a white dog shit is. Doesn’t exist in America. It’s weird. White dog shit is really a thing. In England, in the ’80s, ’cause I Googled this shit… In England in the ’80s, apparently, we fed our dogs too much calcium. So, when they shit on the street, as dogs did, in the good old days… Days when you didn’t have to scoop your dog poo up in a bag and carry around warm shit for seven hours. So, when dogs pooed on the street, their poo turned white, and had a crumbly texture. And I knew this ’cause I spent seven hours poking it with a stick. Listen, if you’ve learned nothing from this comedy show this evening… you’ve learned of the existence of white dog shit. Go Google that shit. You’ll be amazed. So, I couldn’t wait to leave England, leave white dog shit behind… Go to America, ’cause it looked like you guys were having a fantastic time. Every TV show and movie was kids going, “Oh, my God. What am I gonna wear to the prom?” And I was like, “What is this ‘prom’ that they speak of? It sounds amazing! Every kid in America spends school life worrying about the prom, it must be the best party ever! I wanna go to America! I wanna go to the prom. I wanna be picked up in a limousine, and given a corsage, and driven to the prom, and we dance all night, and then we win king and queen of the prom.” Because in every movie, winning king and queen of the prom is just amazing. Well, except in the movie Carrie. But in every other movie… winning king and queen of the prom is amazing! And then we leave the prom in triumph, we get in the limo, we drive to Make Out Point, and then fuck in the back of that limo. ‘Cause every movie ended with the couple in the back, overlooking the city, having sex. Then the movie would end before the Planned Parenthood scene. We didn’t have proms in England. You know what we had in England? We had discos that kids got stabbed at. That’s what we had. So, it was my dream… to come to America and fuck in the back of a limo. And I finally made it to America… Then you guys voted for Trump, and now I’m getting deported. Fuck you, Americans! You know, I am four out of six things that Trump hates. Four out of six. Black. Female. Immigrant. Gay. Four out of six. The only two that I don’t have is I’m not Muslim, and my name is not Lopez. That’s it. ‘Cause I was out of the country on tour, trying to get back into America, when the Trump travel ban came in. And I’m on the plane, watching it on the news, and I’m like, “Shit! They’re not gonna let me back in America! I’m an immigrant… and I can’t do an American accent for shit! I am not Idris Elba.” And I thought, “The only way I can get back into the country is, when I land, let ’em know for sure… that I’m not a Muslim. ‘Cause as we all know, Muslim is the new black. That should be a TV show right there. Muslim is the New Black. They’ve already got the orange jumpsuits. Not much of a jump. You know it’s true. So, I was thinking on the plane, “Okay, when I land in America, I gotta let ’em know that I’m the old black.” So, when that plane landed at JFK, I walked through the airport with my breasts out, wearing a yarmulke. It worked! I got back into America! ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ So, I live in New York City now. New York City! I like New York. I’m from London. Look, London, New York, very similar cities. New York is just a bigger… crazier… filthier version… of London, ’cause New York is filthy. It’s a dirty city. It’s a dirty, dirty city. It’s a filthy… dirty city. It’s a dirty, filthy, shit hole of a city. New York is a fucking swamp! A cesspool of a city. It’s a dump! It’s a dirty, shitty city. It’s filthy! You know, there’s no alleyways in New York. No alleyways. So, in New York, on trash day, which in New York is every fucking day… they just throw their trash out onto the sidewalks. Bags of trash! They just throw it! So, the streets are just lined with bags of trash. It’s terrifying! I’ll tell you why. I’m scared. When I’m walking home in the night, I don’t walk on the sidewalk. I walk in the middle of the road. ‘Cause I don’t wanna walk… ‘Cause you walk by those trash bags… And then they start to rustle… And then a massive rat will just pop out. “What’s up, Idris?” It’s a filthy city! And so expensive! So expensive. I didn’t realize New York would be so expensive. ‘Cause I’m like, shit hole of a city. I assumed Los Angeles would be more expensive, ’cause when I came from England, Los Angeles was my first choice. Like, “I’m not making the same mistake my mum made. I’m going to L.A. I want sunshine!” You guys have only got one season here. Sunny sun, sun, sun! So, I was like, “I’m going to L.A.!” And I assumed it was gonna be super expensive. I did. I thought it was and it wasn’t. I had a very nice lifestyle while here. Like, you know, I had a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment… like, gym, concierge… underground parking for two cars. Rooftop pool… overlooking the Hollywood sign. Yeah, every Facebook and Instagram picture for three years, was me just posing by the pool. I never went in it, ’cause I’m black, but I posed the hell out of it. $1,700 a month, I paid for that. Which is a pretty good price! Pretty good for L.A. It’s decent. So, when I was moving to New York, I was like, “Well, New York is a dump… I should get way more for my money in New York! In New York I’m gonna get an apartment with two pools… for $1,700.” Now, what I didn’t tell you before was when I was living in L.A., I met my girlfriend while I was living in L.A. She– That’s her. And… So, she… was living in New York. We did the long distance thing for a year, and then I was moving to New York. And she was like, “Great! You can move in with me. I’ve got a house in Brooklyn, Bed-Stuy.” And I was like, “Bitch, no. Bed-Stuy? I don’t wanna live where Jay-Z lived when he was not successful. I’m going to the Upper East Side… I’m getting an apartment with two pools for $1,700.” And she was like, “Oh, really? I’m gonna come with you while you view these apartments.” And then, she followed me around for three weeks, and watched me make a fucking dick of myself. And I was so cocky, as well, so cocky. I’m just walking in… “Oh, this? Upper East Side? Only one pool? [gags] It’s adequate. All right. How much?” And the guy was like, “$12,000 a month.” And I was like, “You misunderstand me, sir. I only want one.” And then I had to start looking at apartments within my budget. And holy shit! You can’t get nothing for $1,700 a month in New York that’s decent. Unless you want to live with 27 other comedians. Everything I looked at was worse than the last, which is horrible. One apartment, I was like, “Sir, did you actually know that you were showing this apartment today? ‘Cause, quite frankly, it looks incomplete. Looks like we stumbled onto a construction site. This is ridiculous!” One apartment was so filthy, the cockroach opened the door and showed me around. “Come on in. Come on in. This is our room, and…” After 10 shitty apartments, I turned to my girlfriend, like, “You know what? I’m in love, and I think we should make a life for ourselves in Brooklyn, Bed-Stuy, in your house. Bed-Stuy, do or die, motherfucker.” So, that’s right, I live in New York with me girlfriend. That conversation didn’t go too well when I had to tell my mum. I came out to my mum, was not a great conversation. ‘Cause she’s, as I said, super ambitious. Wanted the best for us, so, like, I was supposed to be the doctor. And… then I found out I couldn’t stand the sight of blood. Then I switched to engineer, and my mum went, “Okay, that’s good. That is on the list of African jobs, okay.” And then I decided I wanted to become a comedian. I thought, “Well, she ain’t gonna like that. I might as well come out to her, and go for the double whammy.” My mum was like, “What? What are you telling me? You are telling me… that my daughter… is a gay clown. You see these children? Look at them. They are all dead. They’re dead. Because they became gay clowns. There are no gay clowns in Nigeria. Clowns are creepy.” So, I’m in America. ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ I like America. I’ve learned a lot about you. I’ve been studying you. I’ve learned much. What have I learned? Like, in America… when you guys get fat… you get really fucking fat. Like, humongous. Like, cartoon fat. Like… I saw a documentary the other day where a guy got cut out of his house. You guys get cut-out-of-your-house fat! Some of you have gone very quiet. You’re like, “Was it a bungalow? Was it an apartment?” It was a house! They cut open his house! At some point, this guy looked in the mirror and gone, “You know what? I ain’t fat until they have to take the roof off this bitch!” I admire your tenacity, Americans. It’s not your fault. I watch all your commercials. All your commercials are food. Food! And it’s not good food, it’s all shit food. I saw a commercial the other day for pizza. Now, pizza… is a traditionally Italian dish. Flat bread, tomato, bit of cheese… Maybe an olive. Not this American pizza. This commercial’s like, “This is an American motherfucking pizza! We don’t just have olive, we have beef and cheese and chicken and steak and bacon and beef and cheese and chicken and steak and bacon and beef and cheese and chicken! We don’t just have cheese on the pizza, we have cheese inside the motherfucking crust of that motherfucking pizza! Because this is an American, motherfucking pizza! $1.99.” Judging by all the commercials for pharmaceutical products, you guys are pretty sick as well. The powers that be love to put out this image of black men on street corners selling drugs. And it’s a bullshit myth. These pharmaceutical companies are the biggest drug dealers on the planet! Yeah, and they’re doing it legally! Legally. They have these meetings every year. They go, “Okay, we got this new drug. We need an illness to go with this drug.” And that’s how illnesses are made, people! You see those commercials that come on in the night. Trying to convince you you’re ill. “Do you find… that your eyes… close at night? Then you need Oxy-moxy-lixy-loxy-loxy-lixy-trip. Side effects may include headaches, dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, menstruation in men, and death.” Why would you buy a drug with death as one of the side effects? You’re buying drugs with worse side effects than the illness you’re trying to heal. I saw a commercial for an anti-depressant, and one of the side effects… was suicidal thoughts. You might as well save your money… and have your suicidal thoughts for free. You’re buying drugs… Worse side effects. It doesn’t make any sense. You’re like, “I am bleeding through my anus, yes, but I no longer have fungal toe nails.” I sound angry, I know. I sound angry. I’ll tell you why. I’m from England. We have free health care in England. Free. Free health care. Everybody pays a little extra tax, everybody gets health care. You get sick, you go to the hospital. You come out of hospital, you haven’t lost your house. It’s amazing! I can’t understand how expensive health care is in America. It’s a scam. Whole thing’s a scam. An ambulance in America can cost anywhere between $1,000 and $25,000. For an ambulance to take you to the hospital. I’m sorry, if I got into an accident tomorrow… Ambulance turned up, I’d be like, “Get the fuck out of my face, ambulance guy. Get out of here with your glorified van. I’ve still got one arm working. I’m gonna get my phone out, and I’m gonna summon an UberXL…” You guys are awesome! Good night! Thank you! [“Afro Puffs” by The Lady of Rage plays] ♪ I rock rough and stuff With my Afro puffs ♪
♪ Rage! Rock on with your bad self ♪
♪ I rock rough and stuff With my Afro puffs ♪
♪ Rage! Rock on with your bad self ♪
♪ I rock on with my bad self ‘Cause it’s a must ♪
♪ It’s the Lady Of Rage Still kicking up dust ♪
♪ So let me loosen up my bra strap ♪
♪ And let me boost ya with my raw rap ♪
♪ ‘Cause I’mma break it down To the nitty-gritty one time ♪
♪ When it comes to the lyrics I gets busy with mine ♪
♪ Busy as a beaver, ya best believer ♪
♪ This grand diva’s runnin’ shit With the speed of a cheetah ♪
♪ Meet a lyrical murderer ♪
♪ I’m serving ’em like two scoops of chocolate… ♪ | [“Afro Puffs” by The Lady of Rage plays] Oi, oi! Oi, oi! What’s happening, Los Angeles? Good to be back. Good to be back. I don’t know if you know this, guys. I used to live here. I lived in L.A. for a few years. Yes, I did. I lived in Los Angeles for a while. Loved it, loved the lifestyle. Beautiful. Had to leave, though. Had to leave. I’m not Hollywood. I’m not Hollywood. Look at this. This… This is not the Hollywood look. This is not. There’s two looks for black women in Hollywood. You either look like Halle Berry… Or Precious. And there’s no… There’s no sliding scale! I used to get the most ridiculous auditions when I was in Hollywood. This was an audition I got sent for. I’m not even making this up. This was the name of the character. Ghetto Hoochie Number Three. I had one line. Do you wanna hear the line? [audience] Yeah! “N i g g a, it’s not your baby!” That was… I said to my agent, “I will not say that. I refuse. I will not say it. I’ve got integrity, I’m a black woman. I will not do it.” And then I saw the money. And I was like, “N i g g a, it’s not your baby!” Do you think I’ll get promoted to Ghetto Hoochie One? What do you think? So, it’s good to be back. So, I don’t know if you… Some of you look a bit confused. Did you know there were black people in England? Did you? We are everywhere. You look confused, though, sir. You’re looking up at me, like, “Is that Idris Elba? What is happening?” I know! From London, England! Born and raised. Obviously, black people are not indigenous to England. My mum came from Nigeria. West Africa. No! Don’t cheer that shit! She went from Nigeria to England. What the fuck was she thinking? My mum had the pick of the globe. She could’ve gone anywhere in the world. I imagine my mum in Nigeria with all her maps spread out before her. “Where shall I go? Where shall I go? You know what? I am fed up with the sunshine. I want to go somewhere with a lot of drizzle… and subtle racism. That’s what I want, subtle.” I don’t know if you know this, Americans, but the Brits are the best at racism. They’re the best! They’re better than you, Americans. They’re so good, you don’t even know you’re being discriminated against. They are fucking ninja racist! And that’s why I prefer good, old-fashioned, American racism. Yeah, I said it, America. I prefer it. It’s in your face. You know where you stand with American racism. You guys have even made movies to let me know where I’m welcome and where I’m not. For instance, I know I’m never going to fucking Mississippi. I’ve seen the films! Having said that, though… my manager did recently put some shows in my calendar… for Birmingham, Alabama. [audience oohs] I know! I saw that in my calendar and I was like, “Fuck, no!” And then I saw the money. And I said, “We shouldn’t be so quick to judge. We should give the people a chance.” So, I went to Birmingham, Alabama, people! It was all right, I had a good time. I experienced that Southern hospitality, the shows were great, and they put me in a very nice hotel. Very nice. I was very surprised by this. I’ll tell you why. I’m from England. All I know about Alabama is from your movies, so I wasn’t expecting to be staying in no nice hotel. I was expecting to be staying in a shack, on a swamp… run by some guy wearing overalls… who referred to me as “boy”! That’s what I was expecting. I was surprised by the hotel. I thought, “Oh, this is lovely! This is very civilized. This is wonderful.” I basically treated Alabama the way white people treat Africa the first time they go. You know, white people. You turn up in Africa for the first time… “Wow! They have cars and shoes and shit.” That’s how I was in Alabama. I was like, “Wow! They have electricity and teeth! This…” Lot of black people in Alabama. That shocked me. I was surprised by that. I was like, “Wow! Lot of black people.” I got off the plane, saw the black people, and I ran up to them, I was like that. “You know you can leave, right? You don’t even have to go underground. You could just drive! I’m learning a lot. So, born and raised, London, England. My mother emigrated from Nigeria to England, had us all in England. So, she was super overprotective. Was very ambitious for us as well. ‘Cause when you have your kids in another country, you want the best. My mum was scared that stuff was gonna happen to us. Like, she was over-the-top, crazy overprotective. I’ll give you an example. This is God’s honest truth. My mother… used to keep a scrapbook… of bus and train crashes. Yeah, I’ll repeat that. A scrapbook of bus and train crashes. Whenever there was an accident, she’d cut the story out of the newspaper, and she’d put it in a special book, and she would use that book to deter us from going places. She used that for everything! “Mum, can I go on a school trip?” She’d be like… [clears throat] “Do you see these children? Look at them. They are all dead. You know why they are dead? Because they wanted to go on a school trip. Their mother said, ‘No, don’t go!’ But they wouldn’t listen. Now, look at them. Dead, dead. Look at them! Dead-y dead. Super dead. Look at their dead faces! Dead! Dead-y dead, dead, dead. Dead-y dead. Super dead. Dead da-da, dead, dead-y. Dead, dead.” She’d use that book for everything. “Mum, can I play in the park?” “You see these children? Look at them. Dead! Dead-y dead! Know why they’re dead? Because they went to play in the park. And they all caught hay fever and died. Dead! Dead!” We once had a school trip to the Tower of London. We lived in an area of London called Tower Hamlets. You can probably tell from the name, it was very close proximity to the Tower of London. I was like, “Mum, look, it’s there. It’s… Look. It’s there. You can hold my hand from the house as I walk in. It’s there.” “You see these children? Look at them, look at them. Dead. Dead! You know why they’re dead? Because they went to the Tower of London. And they were all beheaded by Henry VIII’s ghost. Dead. Dead!” Super overprotective. Didn’t understand a lot of western culture. My mum did not understand the concept of Halloween. She was like, “Halloween? What is this devil business, Halloween? Trick or– What is this trick or treating? So, let me understand. You are running around the neighborhood at night… dressed as a cartoon character… banging on people’s doors… begging. Making people think your mother cannot afford confectionery. There will be no trick or treating. You can trick or treat in the house. You can come and bang on my door and ask me for confectionery. And then I will say, ‘No, go to bed.'” So, I ran away. And I live in America now. ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ That should’ve been your national anthem, Americans. How much more fun would the Olympics have been… if your athletes could’ve gone up on the podium and just gone… ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ Since I was six, I have wanted to live in America. Tell you why. In England, we got all your TV shows and movies, and it looked like American kids were having a great life! You had the coolest clothes, the manicured lawns, and it looked like every American kid rode around on cool bicycles, solving crimes. And I’d be watching that in England, going, “Fuck!” ‘Cause I’m from London. That’s how six-year-olds speak. “Fuck!” American kids were allowed to be detectives! “I want to go to America and become a child sleuth!” Looked like you guys were having a great time! Every TV show I watched was like, kids going, “What do you wanna do after school?” “I don’t know.” “Let’s go to the beach and hang out with Brad and Chad.” And then you guys would frolic to the beach. American kids were always frolicking! Do you know what after-school activity was for me in London? I’ll tell you. It was, “Mike and John… have found a white dog shit behind the shed. Let’s all go look at it.” And then, we’d all gather around this white dog shit. And we’d poke it with a stick for seven hours. Some of you look a little bit confused. You don’t know what a white dog shit is. Doesn’t exist in America. It’s weird. White dog shit is really a thing. In England, in the ’80s, ’cause I Googled this shit… In England in the ’80s, apparently, we fed our dogs too much calcium. So, when they shit on the street, as dogs did, in the good old days… Days when you didn’t have to scoop your dog poo up in a bag and carry around warm shit for seven hours. So, when dogs pooed on the street, their poo turned white, and had a crumbly texture. And I knew this ’cause I spent seven hours poking it with a stick. Listen, if you’ve learned nothing from this comedy show this evening… you’ve learned of the existence of white dog shit. Go Google that shit. You’ll be amazed. So, I couldn’t wait to leave England, leave white dog shit behind… Go to America, ’cause it looked like you guys were having a fantastic time. Every TV show and movie was kids going, “Oh, my God. What am I gonna wear to the prom?” And I was like, “What is this ‘prom’ that they speak of? It sounds amazing! Every kid in America spends school life worrying about the prom, it must be the best party ever! I wanna go to America! I wanna go to the prom. I wanna be picked up in a limousine, and given a corsage, and driven to the prom, and we dance all night, and then we win king and queen of the prom.” Because in every movie, winning king and queen of the prom is just amazing. Well, except in the movie Carrie. But in every other movie… winning king and queen of the prom is amazing! And then we leave the prom in triumph, we get in the limo, we drive to Make Out Point, and then fuck in the back of that limo. ‘Cause every movie ended with the couple in the back, overlooking the city, having sex. Then the movie would end before the Planned Parenthood scene. We didn’t have proms in England. You know what we had in England? We had discos that kids got stabbed at. That’s what we had. So, it was my dream… to come to America and fuck in the back of a limo. And I finally made it to America… Then you guys voted for Trump, and now I’m getting deported. Fuck you, Americans! You know, I am four out of six things that Trump hates. Four out of six. Black. Female. Immigrant. Gay. Four out of six. The only two that I don’t have is I’m not Muslim, and my name is not Lopez. That’s it. ‘Cause I was out of the country on tour, trying to get back into America, when the Trump travel ban came in. And I’m on the plane, watching it on the news, and I’m like, “Shit! They’re not gonna let me back in America! I’m an immigrant… and I can’t do an American accent for shit! I am not Idris Elba.” And I thought, “The only way I can get back into the country is, when I land, let ’em know for sure… that I’m not a Muslim. ‘Cause as we all know, Muslim is the new black. That should be a TV show right there. Muslim is the New Black. They’ve already got the orange jumpsuits. Not much of a jump. You know it’s true. So, I was thinking on the plane, “Okay, when I land in America, I gotta let ’em know that I’m the old black.” So, when that plane landed at JFK, I walked through the airport with my breasts out, wearing a yarmulke. It worked! I got back into America! ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ So, I live in New York City now. New York City! I like New York. I’m from London. Look, London, New York, very similar cities. New York is just a bigger… crazier… filthier version… of London, ’cause New York is filthy. It’s a dirty city. It’s a dirty, dirty city. It’s a filthy… dirty city. It’s a dirty, filthy, shit hole of a city. New York is a fucking swamp! A cesspool of a city. It’s a dump! It’s a dirty, shitty city. It’s filthy! You know, there’s no alleyways in New York. No alleyways. So, in New York, on trash day, which in New York is every fucking day… they just throw their trash out onto the sidewalks. Bags of trash! They just throw it! So, the streets are just lined with bags of trash. It’s terrifying! I’ll tell you why. I’m scared. When I’m walking home in the night, I don’t walk on the sidewalk. I walk in the middle of the road. ‘Cause I don’t wanna walk… ‘Cause you walk by those trash bags… And then they start to rustle… And then a massive rat will just pop out. “What’s up, Idris?” It’s a filthy city! And so expensive! So expensive. I didn’t realize New York would be so expensive. ‘Cause I’m like, shit hole of a city. I assumed Los Angeles would be more expensive, ’cause when I came from England, Los Angeles was my first choice. Like, “I’m not making the same mistake my mum made. I’m going to L.A. I want sunshine!” You guys have only got one season here. Sunny sun, sun, sun! So, I was like, “I’m going to L.A.!” And I assumed it was gonna be super expensive. I did. I thought it was and it wasn’t. I had a very nice lifestyle while here. Like, you know, I had a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment… like, gym, concierge… underground parking for two cars. Rooftop pool… overlooking the Hollywood sign. Yeah, every Facebook and Instagram picture for three years, was me just posing by the pool. I never went in it, ’cause I’m black, but I posed the hell out of it. $1,700 a month, I paid for that. Which is a pretty good price! Pretty good for L.A. It’s decent. So, when I was moving to New York, I was like, “Well, New York is a dump… I should get way more for my money in New York! In New York I’m gonna get an apartment with two pools… for $1,700.” Now, what I didn’t tell you before was when I was living in L.A., I met my girlfriend while I was living in L.A. She– That’s her. And… So, she… was living in New York. We did the long distance thing for a year, and then I was moving to New York. And she was like, “Great! You can move in with me. I’ve got a house in Brooklyn, Bed-Stuy.” And I was like, “Bitch, no. Bed-Stuy? I don’t wanna live where Jay-Z lived when he was not successful. I’m going to the Upper East Side… I’m getting an apartment with two pools for $1,700.” And she was like, “Oh, really? I’m gonna come with you while you view these apartments.” And then, she followed me around for three weeks, and watched me make a fucking dick of myself. And I was so cocky, as well, so cocky. I’m just walking in… “Oh, this? Upper East Side? Only one pool? [gags] It’s adequate. All right. How much?” And the guy was like, “$12,000 a month.” And I was like, “You misunderstand me, sir. I only want one.” And then I had to start looking at apartments within my budget. And holy shit! You can’t get nothing for $1,700 a month in New York that’s decent. Unless you want to live with 27 other comedians. Everything I looked at was worse than the last, which is horrible. One apartment, I was like, “Sir, did you actually know that you were showing this apartment today? ‘Cause, quite frankly, it looks incomplete. Looks like we stumbled onto a construction site. This is ridiculous!” One apartment was so filthy, the cockroach opened the door and showed me around. “Come on in. Come on in. This is our room, and…” After 10 shitty apartments, I turned to my girlfriend, like, “You know what? I’m in love, and I think we should make a life for ourselves in Brooklyn, Bed-Stuy, in your house. Bed-Stuy, do or die, motherfucker.” So, that’s right, I live in New York with me girlfriend. That conversation didn’t go too well when I had to tell my mum. I came out to my mum, was not a great conversation. ‘Cause she’s, as I said, super ambitious. Wanted the best for us, so, like, I was supposed to be the doctor. And… then I found out I couldn’t stand the sight of blood. Then I switched to engineer, and my mum went, “Okay, that’s good. That is on the list of African jobs, okay.” And then I decided I wanted to become a comedian. I thought, “Well, she ain’t gonna like that. I might as well come out to her, and go for the double whammy.” My mum was like, “What? What are you telling me? You are telling me… that my daughter… is a gay clown. You see these children? Look at them. They are all dead. They’re dead. Because they became gay clowns. There are no gay clowns in Nigeria. Clowns are creepy.” So, I’m in America. ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ I like America. I’ve learned a lot about you. I’ve been studying you. I’ve learned much. What have I learned? Like, in America… when you guys get fat… you get really fucking fat. Like, humongous. Like, cartoon fat. Like… I saw a documentary the other day where a guy got cut out of his house. You guys get cut-out-of-your-house fat! Some of you have gone very quiet. You’re like, “Was it a bungalow? Was it an apartment?” It was a house! They cut open his house! At some point, this guy looked in the mirror and gone, “You know what? I ain’t fat until they have to take the roof off this bitch!” I admire your tenacity, Americans. It’s not your fault. I watch all your commercials. All your commercials are food. Food! And it’s not good food, it’s all shit food. I saw a commercial the other day for pizza. Now, pizza… is a traditionally Italian dish. Flat bread, tomato, bit of cheese… Maybe an olive. Not this American pizza. This commercial’s like, “This is an American motherfucking pizza! We don’t just have olive, we have beef and cheese and chicken and steak and bacon and beef and cheese and chicken and steak and bacon and beef and cheese and chicken! We don’t just have cheese on the pizza, we have cheese inside the motherfucking crust of that motherfucking pizza! Because this is an American, motherfucking pizza! $1.99.” Judging by all the commercials for pharmaceutical products, you guys are pretty sick as well. The powers that be love to put out this image of black men on street corners selling drugs. And it’s a bullshit myth. These pharmaceutical companies are the biggest drug dealers on the planet! Yeah, and they’re doing it legally! Legally. They have these meetings every year. They go, “Okay, we got this new drug. We need an illness to go with this drug.” And that’s how illnesses are made, people! You see those commercials that come on in the night. Trying to convince you you’re ill. “Do you find… that your eyes… close at night? Then you need Oxy-moxy-lixy-loxy-loxy-lixy-trip. Side effects may include headaches, dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, menstruation in men, and death.” Why would you buy a drug with death as one of the side effects? You’re buying drugs with worse side effects than the illness you’re trying to heal. I saw a commercial for an anti-depressant, and one of the side effects… was suicidal thoughts. You might as well save your money… and have your suicidal thoughts for free. You’re buying drugs… Worse side effects. It doesn’t make any sense. You’re like, “I am bleeding through my anus, yes, but I no longer have fungal toe nails.” I sound angry, I know. I sound angry. I’ll tell you why. I’m from England. We have free health care in England. Free. Free health care. Everybody pays a little extra tax, everybody gets health care. You get sick, you go to the hospital. You come out of hospital, you haven’t lost your house. It’s amazing! I can’t understand how expensive health care is in America. It’s a scam. Whole thing’s a scam. An ambulance in America can cost anywhere between $1,000 and $25,000. For an ambulance to take you to the hospital. I’m sorry, if I got into an accident tomorrow… Ambulance turned up, I’d be like, “Get the fuck out of my face, ambulance guy. Get out of here with your glorified van. I’ve still got one arm working. I’m gonna get my phone out, and I’m gonna summon an UberXL…” You guys are awesome! Good night! Thank you! [“Afro Puffs” by The Lady of Rage plays] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hasan-minhaj-homecoming-king-transcript/ | Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (2017) – Transcript | hasan minhaj | [theme music: orchestral hip-hop] [crowd roars] What’s up? Davis, what’s up? I’m home. I had to bring it back here. Netflix said, “Where do you want to do the special? LA, Chicago, New York?” I was like, “Nah, son. Davis California.” [cheering, whooping] This has, um… This has been a very good year for me. I recently got married, you guys. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. I need the claps. It’s a very heavy ring. Very heavy. It was a reverse Lord of the Rings situation. I got a ring and then lost my powers, which is a very different Lord of the Rings. “Listening? Compromise? Take the ring, Sam.” The movie is done in eight minutes. It’s not a 90-hour saga. We just celebrated our one-year anniversary, so it’s one year down, forever to go. Which is terrifying to say. But you know what’s great? Now, it’s just kind of liberating. Because I don’t give a fuck about any of my single friends. I don’t care about any of you and it feels great. Because you guys are at home, just swiping for love, and complaining. “Oh, how do you find people?” “Dimples? Off with his head!” Like a god-damn emperor. “Brunettes? Not for me.” I’m like, “You work at Subway. You don’t deserve so much choice.” We’re getting soft. You realize my parents physically never saw each other? Thirty years ago in a town in India, population 990,000 — that’s a small town — my dad heard a buzz in the streets about this woman named Seema, my mom. And, like, Seema was that chick, you guys. In ’82, Seema could get… Look at that red langa. Killing it! She was like the iPhone 8. “Have you heard of Seema? She’s slim. Her family owns a camera.” My dad was like, “A camera?” So he runs to my grandfather’s house and lays it on the line. “I’m going to America. I want to marry Seema. YOLO.” In ten minutes, the man married a woman he had never laid eyes on. You understand? That’s Tinder with no photos. [laughter] “I want that for the rest of my life. I hope she has a good personality. Let’s move to the US where we’re the only people that know each other.” I’m so grateful for that decision. Najmi marries Question Mark, they come to the States, I come out. Popping out of your mom is like real estate. It’s all about location. I popped out here. Anybody br0wn, we popped out here, we made it. We’re the rappers that made it. What’s wild is, I never even knew how the whole X-Men Origins story went down. It’s crazy, because we know nothing about our parents and our parents know nothing about us. “Dad, your favorite color?” “Stanford!” “What? No.” “No, I want to know more about you.” “Why? Get into Stanford.” And I think it’s just that, like, immigrants love secrets. Right? They love them. They love bottling them up deep down, and unleashing them on you later when it’s no longer relevant. “Mom’s a ninja, Dad’s a communist? Why are you telling me this right now?” Every conversation with my dad is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. It’s just 90 minutes of build-up to no payoff. [laughs and applause] “That’s the ending?” So my dad marries my mom, they come to the States, they have me, in Davis, California, but my mom has to go back to India to finish up med school. So the first eight years, it was just me and my dad. Just the two of us trying to make it in America. Minus all the unconditional love. Br0wn love is very conditional. In the photo he’s like, “You had better get all As.” Like, let’s be real. I grew up here. Like, Pioneer… I grew up here. Yeah. [huge cheer] But Davis was, like, super white. Kind of like tonight. [laughter] Roll call was a problem. It was a big deal for a lot of us. Like, what’s your name? Jasura. Okay. What would you get? Jasuriah. Jasuriah? Yeah. I would get, like, “Hanson Minaja…” “Sahan Minha.” “Saddam Hussein.” It was my English teacher. “I’m not Saddam.” What’s your name? Biju. What would you get? A blank stare. A blank stare? I’m the only br0wn kid at school, Dad is the only br0wn guy at work. In a weird way that brings us together, and we have to do everything together. Try to understand immigrant fathers. I still can’t understand some of you. There are uncles here. None of you guys are smiling. I don’t get it. You’re going to die. Laugh. Why aren’t you laughing? You’re always stressed and always tired. You could wake up any immigrant father from a 12-hour nap, and they’d say… [angry yawn] “Why do I have to pay taxes?” You’re like, “Jesus…” We’d do everything… I remember being in the grocery store. And we’d be walking through the aisles, and my dad would pick up yogurt. “Ah, yogurt.” Or milk. Just like, “Ah.” And I’d look at him and be like, “Oh, man. Dad hates yogurt.” [laughter] “He hates milk.” But I get that look, now. Life is tough and sometimes you don’t know what you’re doing. He has a little kid and I’m not making his life any easier. I’m picking up soda and I’m like, “Ah!” “Don’t do that.” “I’m going to live forever!” Then I would trip on my Velcro shoes and I would drop the soda and it would explode. And then my dad would do what most br0wn parents do. He would check to see if the coast is clear… and he’d slap the shit out of me. [laughter] I love it. Thank you. Thank you. Pockets were acknowledging that. And for the liberal white guilt, immigrants aren’t going to hit their children the way you do. Americans hit on the arm and bruise the body. Immigrants slap your face and bruise your soul. It’s Guantanamo of the mind. And I know some of you guys are like, “Hey, this is Davis, okay? I listen to NPR. Ira Glass says children are our future.” Have you seen the show called The Slap? This is a real show on NBC. This is a real show about a white kid that gets slapped at a birthday party. Are you fucking kidding? Thirteen episodes for this kid? Are you kidding me? Do you know when br0wn kids get slapped? Every br0wn birthday party. And usually it’s the kid whose birthday it is, and we stand there and point and laugh. We go, “Ah, Biju got slapped on his birthday!” And that’s what makes us tough and resilient. It’s why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees. Slapping is important. It elevates your game. You ever seen an Indian kid win a spelling bee? Incredible! Ice water in the veins. [laughter] That kid won’t choke on camera. He’s been slapped on camera. Of course he can spell “knaidel”. Knaidel. Look at that face. Nothing. Nothing! He’s 12 years old. Nothing! This kid just won $30,000 cash. Nothing. People ask, “Where does that come from?” Look at this kid’s parents. Your son just won the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Look at his brother. His brother is like, “I’m fucked. I’m fucked. The bar is way too high. I should kill myself.” People say, “Where’s Bobby Jindal from?” That’s where he comes from. That is an Indian sociopath. [raucous laughter] I know what happens when I talk about this. People say, “Your parents don’t love you.” I think our parents love us. We have great fathers. I just think our fathers didn’t download all the great dad software. There are just a few apps missing. Birthdays aren’t their thing. Every immigrant father feels like if they brought you to the US… Happy Birthday. Starbucks, Wi-Fi, freeways, happy birthday. No more birthdays. Go be president. At an interview, this lady said, “Describe your earliest birthday memory.” I was like, “Do I have to?” So I’m six, I’m turning seven. My dad wakes me up super early in the morning. “Hasan, get up! Get in the Camry.” The immigrant car of choice. We get in the Camry, we’re driving from Davis to Sacramento. There’s one mall in the entire area. Arden. We get to this intersection, and I look to my left, and it’s the one place every kid dreams about. Toys ‘R’ Us. I was like, “Oh, shit! Dad saw the Toys ‘R’ Us catalog on my wall. He saw my vision board. He saw the blue BMX bike I wanted. He’s here to surprise me. Turn left. Turn left. Turn… left.” Then he turns right, and I’m like, “Home Depot? No!” I’m like, “Why are we here? Do you know what day it is?” “It’s Saturday.” “No, it’s my birthday. Did you forget?” He’s like, “Hasan, how could I forget that it’s your birthday? That’s why I brought you here. So you could pick the door handle for the bathroom.” [laughter] And I was like, “Why don’t you have me pick out the toilet? You are shitting on my dreams.” I didn’t say that. I would have gotten a slap. I wanted to say that. That’s when I realized there’s a generational gap between us and our parents. You’re going to fight with your parents, and there’s a finite number of hands you can play. You know about this. Not going to be a doctor? That’s a hand. Marry a white girl? Boom! That’s a big hand. [laughter, applause] I could have been like, “Dad, fight me. I want that bike.” But I was like, “Hang on to your cards. You’ll need them later.” Like, I had vision as a six-year-old. And my mom, she would come and visit, and just kill the mom game. One year, she came to school and brought me a Ghostbusters proton pack. The wheelie thing, the backpack, the gun that catches ghosts… Literally shut Pioneer down. Kids were losing their minds. “What? Saddam Hussein’s a Ghostbuster?” “Yeah, I’m a br0wn Ghostbuster. Deal with it.” One of the happiest days of my life. But then she would go back to India. That’s when I realized I don’t want a toy. I just want my mom. I want to be a family. I was very emo. I was like Drake. I missed that girl. “When is she coming back? I need her in my life. I need her. I need that girl. I need that girl in my life. I need her, Dad. She used to call me on my phone.” My dad’s like, “When the visa comes through.” “When the visa comes through.” It’s a big deal. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s difficult to get in this country. It’s not like a broken condom where you’re like, “I’m in!” [laughter] Eight years. August 11th, 1993. I’m so excited. I put on my Ghostbusters proton pack. I’m standing there. Dad goes, “Put on Indian clothes.” I’m like, “Alright. I can be an Indian ghostbuster.” I put on a Salwar Kameez. I’m standing there. Door opens. Dad walks through. Mom walks through. And then immediately behind my mom, is this little br0wn girl with a mushroom cut. She runs up to me and hugs me. “Hasan bhai!” And I’m in full hover-hands mode, because I have no idea who this person is. What happened was, my dad would go back and forth to India to visit my mom, and during one trip he knocked her up. [shocked laughter] And I had a sister. But no one told me about it. [uproarious laughter] Remember how I told you that immigrants love secrets? This is a secret that nobody told me! He says, “Hug her.” “You brought her out like Maury for immigrants.” “Hasan, you are the brother.” I’m like, “No, no!” She was breakdancing, and I’m like, “Who the fuck are you?” “You don’t know me?” “I’ve no idea who you are.” I hated that br0wn girl so much. I was like, “Build that wall.” I was like a little Republican. I was like, “I get it.” I remember leveling with my parents at the dinner table. “Look, Mom, Dad, let’s just be real. Oh, my God, these br0wn people… Oh, jeez. Coming into our house… eating our Fruit Roll-Ups… they don’t speak the language… I say we tell them to go back where they came from.” He’s like, “You can’t say that. We’re family.” I’m like, “No, that’s on you and Mom. You guys decided to get your Angelina Jolie on, and bring over this FOB. That’s on you, that’s not on me.” Why do you do this to your daughters? Every single br0wn mother makes your daughter quinceañera dress, chop cuts. Why? Princess from here down, Toad from here up. I’ve got this shit following me around on the playground. “Hasan bhai!” I’m like, “Yo, kick rocks!” I go play tetherball. “Hasan bhai!” “Get lost!” Eventually, I run to the boys’ bathroom. She follows me into the bathroom. “Hasan bhai!” All the kids at the urinal are like, “Uh! What’s Hasan-bye?” I went to school with a bunch of Ryan Lochtes. Just all traps. [slow, stupid voice] “Uh, I don’t understand other cultures, bro. What is that? What does it mean?” It’s a term of endearment in my culture, meaning “brother”. “Shut up, Cody!” I took that anger and channeled it at her. I was like, “Hey! You’re not my sister.” [gasps in audience] But she couldn’t understand English. [laughter, applause] But she got what I was saying. She starts crying and runs out. I was like, “No! She’s going to tell Dad.” Let’s focus on what’s important here. But she didn’t. And my dad… It was her first birthday in the US. She was turning five. So for her first birthday, he wanted it to be special. I can imagine being a father, missing your daughter’s first steps, her first time saying “Dada…” That’s a hard thing. So for her birthday, he brings everyone into the living room. He drags in this big box and goes, “Aisha, open the box.” She cuts open the box and unfurls one of the flaps, and I see “Toys ‘R’ Us” emblazoned on one of the flaps. And he reaches in, and pulls out a beautiful, blue BMX bike. [audience gasps] “Here you go, Aisha.” He looks at me. “Happy Birthday.” [shocked laughter, booing] Savage, right? I’m livid. I’m like, “Yo, when did Home Depot Dad become Danny Tanner? This is bullshit. Really?” I’m livid. And Aisha senses it. She’s like, “Hasan bhai, why don’t you take it out?” And as an elder brother, I felt entitled to that bike. “That’s my bike. Thank you.” Younger siblings, you guys are worthless. You bring nothing to the table. I see you getting mad. “Hell, no. I have a personality.” Where do you think you got that from, dummy? Us. Clothes, culture, money. “Whoa! I have opinions.” No, you don’t. And then you have the audacity to be, like, “Hey, why are you so melodramatic?” Because I went to war for you. Mom and Dad was my Vietnam. And you’re like, “Everybody loves me.” It’s such bullshit, right? Elder siblings, we walk through the world like, “Do people love me?” And you’re like, “Mom and Dad fucked up with you, not with me.” [shocked laughter] She’s like, “Take it for one lap around the block.” [speaking Hindi] I grab those handlebars, I’m like, “Fuck that noise.” Boom. I take off. She’s like, “Hasan bhai, come back!” I’m like, “Eat my dust, immigrant.” I’m flying. I see a curb. I’m about to pop a wheelie. The bike goes left, I go right. And that beautiful blue BMX bike… Bam! It crashes into the cement. All the paint is chipped off the right side of the bike. I pick it up, and it’s destroyed. I hear the patter of her chappals. She’s crying, “Hasan bhai, why would you do this?” Animé tears of innocence. “Why? I gave you the first ride.” And I’m looking down at her, and I’m like, “Man… I’m being a dick.” Like, this whole time I was looking for acceptance from Cody, Corey and Cole… [laughter] and I had it right here this entire time. I’m supposed to be her big brother, help her navigate the American dream and protect her. And I’m out here stealing her bike? This is fucked up. And Aisha hates that story. She’s always like, “Oh, my God, you are so melodramatic. You make me sound like a refugee baby.” That’s true. I’m doing that right now. It’s not fair, because she’s not a refugee. And, like, she learned English. She went to an Ivy League law school. She does mergers and acquisitions now. She is the one percent. Meanwhile, I… I didn’t go to grad school. I became a comedian. This is what I do. And then, when it came time for me to get married, I got married to a girl from a Hindu family. I heard an audible “Oh!” Alright. Fuck. I heard you go, like, “Ugh!” I didn’t punch you. Damn! So some of you guys don’t know. Hindus and Muslims are like the Montagues and Capulets of India. We’ve been warring for centuries. You’re like, “What’s the difference? You look the same.” So how do I explain this? Hindus and Muslims. So Hindus… Hindus don’t eat beef. “No beef!” Right? And Muslims, we don’t eat pork. “Is that pepperoni pizza? No. No pepperoni!” And then Hindus, they like statues. They’re like, “Oh! This is a statue of an elephant. I’m going to put this in my car.” [laughter, applause] Muslims are like, “No statues! Calligraphy! We’re about the alphabet. We put that in our car. We’re different.” And then Hindus, they like cartoons. They’re like, “Oh, this is a cartoon Ganesh. I’ll just put this on the wall.” And Muslims… we don’t really, uh, like cartoons. We’ve got to get better about our cartoon policy. Because of this we’ve been killing each other for centuries. And I know the older generation doesn’t like those jokes. “Pakistan was created because of this reason.” I know, but… I convinced my dad. “Dad, I love her, she loves me. Isn’t there something bigger that unites all of us outside of race, color, creed, class? This is America. We can choose what we want to adhere from the motherland. Isn’t life like biryani, where you push the weird shit to the side? Why do we got to adhere to this weird shit from back over there? He agrees. He’s like, “That’s a good point. Fine. You should get married.” That’s a Hall of Fame br0wn dad decision. There’s br0wn dads here, like, “If my son did that, I would shoot myself and then shoot him.” He says yes. We rally the troops, Me, Mom, Dad, Aisha, we get in the Camry, we’re driving to my fiancée’s house. And we’re about to pull up and we get to the door, and my dad is about to ring the doorbell, when he says the sentence that is the killer of every br0wn kid’s dream. He goes, “I don’t think we should do this. Log kya kahenge? [audience gasps] “What will people think?” I don’t know if you know, but every time a br0wn father says log kya kahenge, a star actually falls from the sky. [laughter] “I don’t want to be a doctor!” “Log kya kahenge!” No! “I don’t want to marry!” “Log kya kahenge!” Why? I bet you, when Mahatma Gandhi told his parents he was going to liberate India, even they were like, “Log kya kahenge! “Stop marching. The British are going to talk shit about us. Why are you bald and skinny? You’re never going to get married.” And I’m standing there… on that doorstep. [applause, cheering] Wait, I’m standing there… on that doorstep, like, “Wait, you want me to change my life because of log kya kahenge? Come on, Dad. How many times do we complain about racism in our community? All the time. Now the ball is in our court, we’re going to be bigoted? Dad, I promise you, God doesn’t like bigotry. God’s not like, ‘You’re racist. Good job.’ No! Number two, you want me to change my life to appease some aunty and uncle I’m never going to see? You want me to change my life for Naila Aunty? Fuck Naila Aunty. Are you fucking kidding me? My life?” But I can’t say that. Because I’ve played all my cards. So I can’t say anything. Now I’m losing hope. I’m, like, “Maybe this is bigger than me. Why can’t I put my head down and do what I’m supposed to do? This ain’t Jodhaa Akbar.” Have you ever been trapped by the time you live in? It’s been going on for centuries. So I’m walking back to the Camry, then I hear a voice behind me. “Oh, my God. You guys do this all the time.” And it is Aisha, and she is pissed. And she’s like, “Dad, I did not fly out from Philly for this.” [laughter] “Beena is so legit. She has a PhD. Hasan bhai is a comedian.” [laughter, applause, whooping] “No one is going to marry him. Get him married before she changes her mind.” She stepped up. She laid down one of her cards for me. She Phil Jacksoned that situation. She got all these people working together. Because of her, I got to marry the love of my life. Because of my sister. I can’t believe it. [rapturous applause] For years I resented that br0wn girl. I hated her. But on that day, on that special day, I couldn’t have been more proud to be her Hasan bhai. [applause, whistling] [whooping] [huge applause] [applause fades] You know, they say every generation is defined by a great struggle or tragedy. And it’s wild that our kids will never know there was a period in time in this country where you had to make a choice between being on the internet or being on the phone. [laughter] They won’t get it, dude. You’ll never get it. You don’t get it, man. You won’t. That was our World War I, man. Especially in middle school, if a girl called the house, you had to pick up the phone before your parents. We used to have landlines. It’s like phones connected to the land. And one time in middle school a girl called the house. My dad picked it up before me. “Hello, who is this?” “Hi, it’s Alice. Is Hasan there?” “What you want, Alice?” I was like, “I’m going to die a virgin.” “I’m in Geometry with Hasan. I had a question. Can I ask him the question?” He’s like, “Okay, Alice. Why don’t you ask me the question, then I’ll ask Hasan?” That’s the way our parents are. Ages zero through 30, “No girls!” At 35, “Why can’t you talk to girls?” That’s basically it. “Ah, you kill me!” [applause, whooping] That’s the way our parents are, right? Our parents are like a firewall to the outside world. They disseminate information to us. It’s like living in North Korea. My dad is the leader of the household. So when 9-11 happened I was in high school. My dad sits everybody down. He’s like, “Hasan, whatever you do, do not tell people you’re Muslim or talk about politics.” “Alright, Dad, I’ll just hide it. This just rubs off.” We’re sitting there. Phone rings. I run, but my dad beats me to the phone. “Hello?” I grab the second phone. I hear a voice. “Hey, you sand n*gger, where’s Osama?” [audience gasps] He looks at me. “You can hear me, right? You fucking dune coon. Where’s Osama?” “Hey, 2631 Regatta Lane, that’s where you live, right? I’m going to fucking kill you.” Click. And my dad’s looking at me. Do you ever see your parents, and you see the mortality in them? I’m looking at my dad and I see all five-seven of him. And that’s when I realize I’m a darapok. I’m a scaredy-cat. We can speak two languages. We can speak at home and outside. I should have said something. I didn’t. We sit down. I hear “thud, thud, thud” outside. Me and Dad run outside and all the windows on the Camry are smashed in. My backpack’s open. “Fuck, they stole my stuff.” I reach and I pull out my backpack. Pieces of glass get caught in my arm. Now blood is gushing down my arm, and I’m pissed, I’m fucking mad. Fuck this, man! These kids know where we live, they’re timing this, so they’re watching us. So I’m looking in the trees, the bushes… I look back in the middle of the street, my dad is in the middle of the road sweeping glass out of the road like he works at a barbershop. “We’ve got customers. Log kya kahenge? We’ve got to clean this up.” Zen! Br0wn Mr Miyagi, just, like, not saying a word. I’m like, “Why aren’t you saying something? I’m asking you, say something!” He looks at me and goes, “Hasan…” [speaking Hindi] [speaking Hindi] “These things happen, and these things will continue to happen. That’s the price we pay for being here.” That’s when I was like, “We really are from two different generations.” BMX bikes aside. My dad’s from that generation where he feels like if you come to this country, you pay the American dream tax. You endure racism, and if it doesn’t cost you your life, pay it. There you go, Uncle Sam. But for me, I was born here. So I actually have the audacity of equality. I’m like, “I’m in Honors Gov, I have it right here. Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness. All men created equal.” It says it right here, I’m equal. I’m equal. I don’t deserve this. [deafening applause] But as soon as I say that… He looks at me like I believe in Santa. “Hasan, you’ll never understand.” “I’ll never understand? Dad, you’re the guy that will argue with the cashier at Costco when he doesn’t let you return used underwear. And now you want to be the bigger man? Now you’re like, ‘Let’s be reasonable with the bigots.’ What?” And then he just walks back into the house with glass in his feet. And I honestly don’t know who is more right. Maybe he’s right. Put your head down. Be a doctor, get a house in the burbs, let them call them whatever you want. But isn’t it our job to push the needle forward little by little? Isn’t that how all this stuff happens? I don’t know. The pendulum swings back and forth for me. And I know 9/11 is a super touchy subject. I understand. Because when it happened, everyone in America felt like their country was under attack. But on that night, September 12th, it was the first night of so many nights where my family’s loyalty to this country was under attack. And it always sucks. As immigrants we always have to put on these press releases to prove our patriotism. We’re auditioning. “We love this country, please believe me.” Nobody loves this country more than us. I fell in love here. Six years old, Janice Malo. I saw her in the sandbox. I run up to her. First grade. “I love you!” “You’re the color of poop.” That’s memory number one. The first time you experience racism? I was like, “What? Oh, no! It’s not rubbing off!” I was fucking terrified. It was like Inception. There were so many levels. I just wanted to wake up and be like, “Oh, it was all a dream. I’m JGL. It was all a dream.” But it’s not a dream, it’s the universe telling you, “It’s a Fair and Lovely world. Navigate accordingly.” In the third grade, Miss Anderson said, “Write what you want to be.” Some kids were like, “an astronaut,” or “a firefighter.” I was like, “I want to be white.” [shocked laughter] “What do you mean?” “I want this part of my skin to be all of my skin.” And it wasn’t like, “I hate melanin.” I love melanin. I’ve never gotten a sunburn. I’m blessed. [laughter, applause, whooping] But when you’re white and you’re playing the video game of life, and your avatar is white, you just get asked less questions along the way. You pop out. Boom. “I want to be Batman.” “Well, of course. Batman is white. Duh!” “I want to be president.” “Duh! Forty-four-and-a-half presidents are white. We’ve had a great track record.” And I know the privilege debate is very heavy for white people. I know you guys have problems. I’ve seen Girls. [laughter] My dad did not give a shit about any of this identity stuff. His rules with me were very simple. “No fun, no girlfriends. Have fun in med school.” Which is a huge lie. It never gets popping in med school. I’ve never been to a club and seen nine dudes: “Yo, what’s going on?” “What’s going on? Residency, fam!” Never happens. “I got a career I hate from my parents.” It’s a lie. We buy into it. So by my senior year of high school, I had yet to go to a school dance, I had been cut from the basketball team, and I had just got off this medicine called Accutane so my skin and face was peeling. I’m crushing life. Out here, killing it. No one did that. Don’t clap. No one did that for that photo. No one ever did that at my school. It’s too late. But there was one bright spot, this girl named Bethany Reed. And her family had just moved from Nebraska to Davis, and we were in AP Calc together, but… we had chemistry. She sat behind me, first day, she’s like, “Hey… what’s your AIM screen name?” [laughter] I was like, “It’s about to go down. Do you want it? I could give it to you.” Whatever I lacked in real-life game, my digital game… bananas. Status updates, away messages, sub profile, Boyz II Men. Don’t say you don’t like “Water Runs Dry”. I was a lover. Late at night on AIM, back and forth, back and forth… You guys don’t know this. Some of you guys are just in college, Snapchatting. Back in the day, we had to fire up the internet like goddamn cavemen. You know what I mean? [makes long, crackling, buzzing noise] [blows] If someone picked up the phone, “Hey, get off the phone! I’m trying to talk to somebody!” That’s how we would communicate. Late at night, back and forth, back and forth. One night she was like, “Hey, come over.” I bike over to her place, white picket fence, McMansion, Ford Expedition, Eddie Bauer edition. [audience cheers] “Oh, they made it!” Mrs Reed opens the door. Her father is this successful retired judge. Mrs Reed’s like, “You want br0wnies?” “Yeah. Cool.” “Hey, stay for dinner.” “We just had br0wnies, but okay.” We’re sitting there at the dinner table. And now Mrs Reed’s like, “Hey, honey, we know so much about Bethany, but we don’t know anything about you. What do you like? What are you into?” I was like, “What?” [laughter] “What do I like? Um… Nobody… Nobody has ever asked me that before.” [laughter] “I guess I like acoustic guitar.” “You should do that. You should follow your dreams.” [laughter] “Maybe I will. Maybe I will follow my dreams.” Then Bethany’s like, “Hey, we always study at my house. Why don’t we study at your house?” I was like, “I’ve got to go.” What, invite you over to my house? You walk in: “What language are you guys speaking? What’s that smell?” I’m not going to open myself up to that. But I was like, “No, she’s different.” I hit her up late at night. “Mom, Dad, a school friend is coming over. Everyone here, please be normal.” My dad is like, “We are normal.” Killing me, you know what I mean? “Hasan, we’re normal. Be proud. You should be proud.” Who is proud? No one is. You’re walking around like a rooster. I’m not proud and no one is proud. We get there. We’re sitting on my living room table. My mom and dad are arguing in Hindi. My mom is frying pakoras. The fobbiest thing ever. Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham is playing on Zee TV. But it’s too much. It’s all coming at this girl. It’s too much. You’ve got to ease your way in. She’s from Nebraska. Soul cycle, yoga, then Zee TV. Don’t just, like, go into it. So I’m looking at her, like, “Don’t say anything. Please don’t say anything.” She looks up from her book, and she’s like, “You know what? This is really nice. We should do this more often. This is really nice.” And I look at her, and I’m like, “Oh, my God. I love you, my white princess.” [laughter] “You see me. I don’t got to change who I am? I can be me!” So I’m going back and forth. Her house, my house. One night, we’re on the living room table. We’re doing integrals. [laughter] She closes her book. She’s like, “Hey. It’s late.” And I’m like, “It is late.” And she’s like… “I should go home.” I was like, “Yeah, you should…” Why did you say that? That was your chance. Don’t do that. I said, “Wait, let me walk you out.” So I’m walking her out. She gets in the car. I’m about to close the door. She rams her arm into the door, leans out and gives me a kiss. “I love you.” Drives off into the night. Like a fucking G! Because she knew the rules. She knew the rules. No fun, no friends, no girlfriends. All we had was that stolen moment in my driveway. You guys are like, “I was getting handjobs when I was nine.” Not me. Not this guy. Not you, not you, not you. Not us. I was like, “Are we getting married? I have to change my pants. We are definitely getting married. When is the shaadi?” [applause] Now, my AP Calc class was a group of overachievers and my Calc teacher, Mr Pendleton, wanted us to live lives outside of school. So one day he gets up in front of the entire class. “Alright, you guys are all killing it academically but I want you to know there is more to life than just getting into UC Berkeley.” One kid was like, “I know, getting into Stanford.” He’s like, “No, you have to live a life worth talking about, which is why I’m making it mandatory for everyone in this class to go to prom.” I’m like, “All 30 of us? We’re all going to prom? AP Calc? Us? Me, Jehovah’s Witness girl, Korean exchange students, going to the prom? Thirty for 30? All of us?” I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying. He’s like, “Hanson, this is not funny.” He walks over to the board, he pulls it down. It’s a bracket with everybody’s name on it leading up to the big dance. It’s March Madness for nerds. I’m like, “Whatever, it’s not going to happen. He can’t do this.” Weeks go by. Kids start getting dates. Three days before prom he walks to the board. Last two names: Hasan Minhaj, Bethany Reed. The class goes nuts. They’re like, “Oh! They’re going to fuck!” “No, we’re not! Are we? No, no we’re not.” I look at her, “Please don’t say anything.” She says nothing, like a G. [laughter] Bell rings. I’m walking to my locker. I hear footsteps. She’s like, “Wait up.” I was like, “What’s up?” “Oh, that was crazy back there. What are the chances?” She’s like, “Listen, you know, ever since my family moved from Nebraska, you’ve been my best friend. And you’re really special to me. This year wouldn’t be the same without you. So I was wondering, will you go to prom with me?” [applause, whooping] I was like, “Yes, my white princess.” As soon as I said that, I was like, “No!” I had bitten off more than I could chew. “No, wait. You’ve got cards to play. You’re good. You’re a good kid. Also, remember, parents respect honesty. You’ve seen this on TV. If you go home and are honest, your parents will be like, ‘Even though I disagree with you, I respect your candor. Therefore I will grant your wish.'” I ran home, I was like, “Dad, I would like to go to prom.” [speaking Hindi] Which means, “I will break your face.” “Duly noted, father.” “Bethany, situation at home. Father doesn’t want us to go to prom. I’m going to sneak out. I live on the second story. I’m going to jump off and land on my bike. I’ll bike to your place, we dance it up, and if I die, I had a great run.” You know? You’re going to die, so put it on the tombstone. “Hasan Minhaj, 4.3 GPA, kissed a white girl.” What an amazing way to go. The night of prom rolls around. I put on the JC Penney suit. Spray on the Michael Jordan cologne. Six puffs, one for each championship. You don’t want to overkill it with the MJ cologne. Don’t be tacky. I’m scaling down the side of my roof, scraping my knees. I jump off the roof. It’s like 20 feet. I jump off, I somehow land, I get on my bike. It’s beautiful, the sun is setting, it’s one of those gorgeous evenings. And I’m biking with my knees bowed out. So my slacks don’t get caught up in the chains. Fast enough to get there, but slow enough to not get pit stains. I’m balancing the corsage. [panting] “Alright, go. Go. You’re good. You’re getting there.” [wild applause and cheering] I get to her house. I park my bike. I’m walking up to the doorstep, and I’m about to ring the doorbell when I’m like, “Wait. 30 second time-out. Do you understand what’s about to go down? You’re about to go to prom with Bethany motherfucking Reed.” [applause] “This is the American dream. This is what Dad fought for.” Ding-dong. Mrs Reed opens the door. She has this look of concern. And I look over her shoulder, and I see Jeff Burke putting a corsage on Bethany’s wrist. [audience sighs] And she’s like, “Oh, my God, honey, did Bethany not tell you? Sweetie, we love you, we think you’re great. We love that you come over and study. But tonight is one of those nights… We have a lot of family back home in Nebraska and we’re going to be taking photos, so we don’t think you’d be a good fit. Do you need a ride home? Mr Reed can give you a ride home.” And I was like, “No, I have my bike.” And I just biked home and played Mario Kart. That’s the nicest I’ve ever been dressed, playing Mario Kart. [laughter] I wish I had said, “Fuck that, I’m going to the dance.” I didn’t. The sad part is, I felt bad for being there. Who was I to ruin their picture-perfect celebration? You’ve seen movies. How many times do you see that on screen? And it’s not like they were yokels yelling “sand n*gger!” I could let that pass. I’d eaten off their plates, kissed their daughter. I didn’t know that people could be bigoted even as they were smiling at you. It’s hard when you see people saying they love you but they’re afraid at the same time. And I didn’t know what that meant. [applause] Then the following Monday, during first period she finds me. She’s like, “Everybody has been asking why we didn’t go. Please don’t say anything. It’s a generational thing. Please don’t say anything.” And I look at her. Second period rolls around like clockwork. Mr Pendleton’s like, “So, lovebirds, what happened? Everybody’s wondering.” So I’m, like, “Yeah, what happened?” Looking at her. She just looks down. Now everybody’s looking at me so I’ve got to improvise. I was like, “Yeah, you know, I decided not to go. I mean, dances are overrated. They’re a cliché. I decided not to go.” Everybody in the class looked at me. “Wow, you dick.” “You stood up the new girl? Thank God Jeff took her. You’re a dick.” That’s the last time we ever spoke. And you know, time has passed, and I don’t really think about that day. I mean, I did write a show about it, but… [laughter] like a lot of people… [cheering] [more cheering, whooping] …you move on to different chapters of your life. You have selective memory. You’re in college. Tools, Clear History. Out of college. Tools, Clear History. Never did that. Married. Tools, Clear History. Never happened. Second marriage, Tools, Clear History. Never happened. But for the most part, I actually think about it the way my dad does. “Oh, you couldn’t go to prom with a white girl? Who gives a fuck? At least your spine isn’t getting shattered in a police wagon, though it’s happening to African-Americans to this day. So this is a tax you have to pay? I’ll pay it. ‘I can’t date your daughter.’ I don’t give a fuck, Uncle Sam. Take it.” But then I realized, wait, hold on. Why is it every time the collateral damage has to be death, for us to talk about this? A kid has to get shot 16 times for us to be like, “Maybe we have a race problem.” For every Trayvon Martin or Ahmed the clock kid, there is bigotry that happens every day. Because we’re too afraid of the Other. Someone who’s not in our tribe. I wish I could tell 18-year-old me, “Hey, man, don’t let this experience define you. It’s good people and bad people. Irrespective of creed, class, color, find those people. Because love is bigger than fear.” I wish I could tell him that. I really believe that. [applause, cheering] I really believe love is bigger than fear. Fox News has taught me that. Fox News is incredible. I’ve never seen so many people with spray tans hate people of color. It is amazing. And Fox News is in New York. They’re in New York. Daily Show, Fox News, five avenues away from each other. That’s it. Professor X, Magneto, that close. Every day I walk past their building during lunch. I’ll see all the employees, Hannity, Coulter, O’Reilly, leave their building, cross the street, walk past me, and line up for halal chicken and rice. I’m like, “Uh… Racist Randy wants that red sauce.” Your brain can be racist, but your body will just betray you. I love that so much. All morning, they’re like, “Mexicans, all lives matter, Arabs… 12:01! Shwarma time!” I love that so much. And I wish I could tell 18-year-old me that, but I can’t. I don’t have a time machine. I can’t tell him that. You know what the shitty part is? When you first fall in love, you get that first taste of the Heisenberg blue. It’s never the same after that. People here with girlfriends are like, “Babe, it’s different with you.” You’re lying and that’s okay. But we had those first secrets. My secret was, “I want to be a comedian.” She said, “I want to be a journalist.” We promised we would follow our dreams, no matter what people would think. So I started doing comedy. I wasn’t very good. Two years, three years, four years, six years, seven years… I finally get a chance to headline a comedy club. It’s a big deal for me. Gotham Comedy Club, New York City. I did what a lot of early comedians do. I got on Facebook, I got super cocky. I was like, “Yo, Facebook! Your boy, headlining Gotham Comedy Club. Let me know if you want some tix.” All caps. Like, relax! I sent it. I was like, “I’m a headliner. Let’s go to the airport. LA, Chicago, Nashville, New York… I’m flying Southwest. I was like, “I made it! Oh, hello. La Quinta Inn! Don’t mind if I do. Free Wi-Fi? Why not? Let’s see what the internet is saying about me. I open up my laptop, fire up Facebook, and I see this. “Hey, um, long time no see. You’re doing comedy now. So cool. Listen, me and my girlfriends live in Manhattan and we were wondering if we could get some tix?” Question mark. Okay. [laughter] [sighs with pleasure as he drinks] [applause] I don’t know if you know what this means. But, you know, if life gives you lemons, sometimes you’ve got to make “revenge lemonade.” Sprinkle in a little irony. Reply, son. Reply. “Bethany, comma, enter. Totally remember you. Long time no see, indeed.” [talks gibberish in high-pitched voice] “Seven years. A lot of time. Listen, I would love to give you some tix, but we’re going to be taking a lot of photos tonight… [audience gasps, applauds] …and I don’t think you’d be a good fit.” Send that shit! Send that shit right now! Send that shit right now! I jump on stage! I run to the club, jump on stage… I don’t even know what I said. I was like, “Fuck that. Goodnight.” Boom. I go to the airport. We go from New York, Chicago, to Nashville to LA. I pick up my Toyota Camry L-motherfucking-E. Don’t you ever forget about it. Cloth interior for life. Whipping through the streets of LA. “Hello, headliner. What do you need?” “Hasan bhai, Dad had a heart attack. Hey… idiot, pick up your phone. I need you. Dad had a heart attack.” My dad had just suffered a quintuple bypass. So they’re rushing him to the hospital. Aisha goes, “Come home, now.” I was like, “I got a set at the Comedy Store. I’m going to do that, then I’ll come home.” And I did a set at the Comedy Store. And then I drove home. And I don’t know why… I get to Kaiser and run upstairs. My mom and my sisters are crying. My sister looks at me, she’s like, “They don’t know what you did. I do.” Doctor sees me. “Are you his son?” “Yeah.” “You’re over 18? Sign this.” I sign this waiver that clears the hospital of liability if something happens to my dad. The surgery is that risky. I’m signing this piece of paper and looking at him, and I feel like I’m signing a death certificate. His body temperature is so low that he looks blue. They wheel him into surgery and I hand the clipboard to the doctor. I look at my dad, like, “If this is the last time I see my dad… I’m saying goodbye to a person I barely even know.” And I’m waiting, hoping that he comes out of surgery okay. And somehow he makes it through. We’re in the hospital. I have to tell him stories. So I’m telling him stories about my life, he’s telling me stories about his. So I tell him the prom story. He goes, “Hasan, I’m mad at you.” “I know, I kissed a girl. I’ll never do it again.” [laughter] He goes, “No… why don’t you forgive Bethany?” [speaking Hindi] He wanted to be the bigger person again. I was like, “Why?” “You know when I emigrated to this country in 1982, I thought if I let you go to a school dance, you would join a gang, get a girl pregnant and become a drug dealer, in one night. I wanted to protect you. Her family saw stuff about us. They wanted to protect their daughter. Everybody’s afraid of everybody. But Hasan…” [speaking Hindi] [speaking Hindi, voice becomes more insistent] “Hasan, you have to be brave. Your courage to do what’s right has to be greater than your fear of getting hurt. So, Hasan, be brave. Hasan, be brave.” It’s a very beautiful poem. I think about it all the time. And look, there are some days where I can forgive that person. The past is the past. Tools, Clear History. It’s done. Other days, “No, fuck that. This is House of Cards. Crush our enemies.” I didn’t know how to feel, until this. Pizza Hut new big pizza sliders are here. Get nine in a box for just ten bucks. Ten bucks. Match up to three ways. Three? Cheese! Big, delicious sliders, only at your Pizza Hut. And that’s how you make it great. Alright, so… so this airs during March Madness. Everyone sees it. The night this airs, friends send me text messages. “Hey, man, by any chance do you know how many pizza sliders you get in a box for just ten bucks?” [laughter] “Nine!” “Is it true you can mix and match up to three ways?” [laughter] “Yes, three. Yes.” A buddy of mine sends me this screengrab. “Just saw my high school prom date in a Pizza Hut ad.” #throwback. #it’s a small world. #brilliant. To which I reply, “We didn’t end up going, though. How’ve you been?” #MrP. #Calc. To which she replies, “I know! Made for a better tweet though. Let me know when you’re in New York.” To which I reply, “abso-f*cking-lutely.” Now, against the advice of my therapist I go on Facebook, because she has a public profile. So I start clicking around. “Bethany Reed.” Okay. “Lives in Manhattan.” Duh, we knew that. “In a relationship with…” I click it. [audience gasps, applause] “Rajesh… Rengatramanajanana…” She is dating an Indian dude, and this dude is Indian as fuck. Look at his name! Look at how big his name is. It’s so big, it barely fits in his Facebook profile. So big. Ten syllables. Ra-jesh Ren-gat-ra-ma-na-ja-na-nam. Are you kidding me? How many letters are in the alphabet? How many letters in the alphabet? 26 letters in the alphabet, right? How many letters are in Rajesh Rengatramanajananam? 25. That’s one less letter than the entire alphabet. Come on! How easy is my name? Hasan Minhaj. So easy. She was like, “Fuck that. Give me the Rajesh Rengatramana… motherfucking-jananam.” Like, “No!” God is laughing at me. God is laughing at me. Now, against the advice of my therapist… I make contact. She’s like, “Do not make contact.” I’m like, “Tell me what I want to hear.” “Need closure? Go for it.” “See you next week.” Therapy is bullshit. “Bethany, I’ve got a gig in New York next week. I would love to meet up.” She’s like, “Yeah, let’s meet up.” And I go from LA to New York, direct flight. Pizza Hut money. I’m walking through New York. I’m livid. I’m pissed. How is this possible? How is this possible? Rajesh Rengatramana… How does she make love? “Oh, my God, Rajesh Rengatramanajananam, give it to me right now. Rajesh Rengatramanajananam, I want you so bad. Put your Rajesh in my Rengatramanajananam.” I was like, “Stop it. Stop imagining her having sex with Rajesh Rengatramanajananam. You’ve got leverage. Walk in there, be cool. Walk in there, be confident. Be like this, dude. Walk in there and just own it. Be like this, be like this.” [laughter] [whistling, whooping] “What’s up?” Do that with this, and then lick the lips and go, “What’s up?” I’m practicing it. I get to the door, open the door, then I hear, “Hey, Hasan!” She’s sitting outside. She saw me doing this shit in the street. [applause] I was like, “Oh, hey, what’s up? Is someone sitting there? Cool.” I just walk up and I’m like, “Alright, yeah. I’ll just sit here, cool.” I’m sitting there. When you see someone from your past, all of a sudden, you’re that age again. So all that Kanye juice just goes out of my body. I can’t say anything. It’s like the adults in Charlie Br0wn. I can’t say anything. 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes. “Dude, are you going to be a darapok again? Say something.” She starts talking about rent control and I cut her off. “Bethany, do you know why I’m here? I’m here to talk about prom.” [laughter] And her face went white. You guys knew she was white, right? It went whiter than white. And I was like, “You knew my situation. You knew it. I was ride or die for you. At that age, that’s a lot. You weren’t the same for me, fine. Whatever. But what makes matters worse is, you had me socially crucified in front of everybody. You knew how hard it was for me, and then I was so insecure at that age that I couldn’t date another white person, because I was afraid of not being able to be with them, because of the color of my skin. Do you know what that’s like? And now, I’m trying to pursue my dreams, I’m trying, but now you’re writing about me, you act like we’re cool, when we’re not. Why do you do that?” And she was like, “I am so sorry. But you know we were 18, right? Like, I really wanted to go with you. But my mom, she’s very controlling. Do you know what it’s like to have a parent that controls your life?” “No, I don’t. What is that like? Do tell. I would love to hear that story.” [cheering] “Tell me more.” What? She’s like, “I wish I could have gone with you. But I can’t change the past. I never thought you would want to talk to me ever again. But the reason why I write about you is because I see you kept your promise. So even if you never want to talk to me ever again, I’ll always be rooting for you.” You know how you carry hatred in your heart about people in your past? “They did this to me. Fuck them.” Damn them. In that moment, I let it go. I crushed it like a Voldemort Horcrux. [makes crushing sounds] [cheering, applause] But I had to ask her the question that we’re all thinking. [laughter] “What about Mr Rengatramanajananam?” She’s like, “I hit it off with this guy. We decide to move in together. I needed money for a deposit so I called my mom.” “What did your mom say?” “My mom was like, ‘No. You know the way our family is. So make up your mind.'” And I was like, “What did you say?” And she’s like, “I told my mom, ‘Not again. This isn’t high school. Raj is a good person and so am I. So I’m going to be with him because it’s right. I hope you make up your mind.'” And I’m looking at her, and I’m so embarrassed. I’m like, “Dude, what are you doing? Why are you hunting down people from your past like a psycho? [laughter] You’re not Liam Neeson. What is going on?” I realized, “You don’t give a shit about this person.” I care about what she represents. Growing up, we just want that co-sign. To tell them you’re good enough. “Sit here. You’re good enough.” But that’s not the American dream. It’s not asking for a co-sign. It’s what every generation did before you. You claim that shit on your own terms. Pizza Hut pizza sliders. Nine in a box for just ten bucks. That’s you. You’re not Hasan Minhaj. You’re “Hussan Minhajj”. This is new br0wn America. The dream is for you to take, so take that shit. Stop blaming other people. [cheering, whooping] Now I’m standing outside the restaurant and I can’t even concentrate, because I know she’s more evolved than me. She’s like, “Next time, me, you and Raj should hang out.” I’m like, “Yeah, let’s not do that.” And I’m walking to the subway station. But I take one last look at the restaurant. Just to see her one last time. To know that generational change is possible with one choice. I turn around and I look, but she’s gone. And I never saw her again. I did keep my promise, though. You know, I kept doing comedy. I never knew… I never knew if I would do anything more than Pizza Hut. You know how you hit that point when your parents give up on you and move on? “Let’s move on to Aisha.” One day I get an email from my manager. “Want to audition for The Daily Show?” That’s not a question. That’s a statement. “Hey, audition for The Daily Show.” I submit a tape. I get a call. “Jon Stewart saw your tape. Come to New York. They want you to audition. But, but… you have to write another original piece. Can you write another?” “No, I can’t. I’m not Larry David. I can’t do Seinfeld and Curb. I’m a mere mortal.” I’m walking back and forth in my shitty one-bed apartment, like, “I’m going to die here.” And it’s amazing how racism will always happen to you when you need it the most. Like changing the oil on your car. “Oh, 15,000 miles. Racism.” So I’m watching the show Real Time With Bill Maher. Have you guys seen Real Time With Bill Maher? You know Bill’s demeanor. “Hey, do you believe in God? You’re a fucking idiot.” And everyone’s like, “Oh, the atheist prophet speaks!” So this clip went viral, him and Ben Affleck. Bill Maher is like, “These Muslims, 85 percent of them hate our freedom. We’ve got to round them up, we’ve got to contain them.” And Ben Affleck’s like, “Are you crazy? Round them up, contain them? Dude, we did that to the Japanese. You can’t do that. Am I crazy?” And I was like, “No, you’re not crazy. You’re my white prince.” [laughter, applause] Don’t you realize what happened in that moment? We got our first A-list celebrity to back the Muslim community. We got Batman, baby! “He may not be the hero we want, but he is the hero the Muslim world needs.” “Batman versus Bill Maher.” I write the piece, go to New York. You get it, right? The producer answers the door: “Audition with me. When you’re ready, Jon will come down. Run it with me.” We’re walking down the hallway, and I see all these photos of the old correspondents that came before me. Steve Carell, John Oliver, Sam Bee, Jason Jones, Ed Helms, Steven Colbert… and me? Keema roti, me? You know we don’t end up this far. You know the way it is. Middle management till we die. We’re not on that stage, ever. I walk in and I see that Daily Show globe. I can’t tell you how blue it is. And now I’m sweating through my suit. The producer is like, “We’ll run it a few times.” And I sit down and I get to the desk. Sitting presidents have sat on that desk. I sit down and we’re running it, and I’m nervous. He goes, “Hey, man, just slow down. Alright?” We run it a second time. Now I’m stuttering. And he goes, “Hey, man, relax. You’re funny.” Which is a tell-tale sign of being, like, “Hey, man. You’re not funny. You shouldn’t relax.” And I can feel it. I’m choking. We’ve all been there. Everyone’s, “How did it go?” You’re like, “Positive thoughts.” No, it’s not happening. You’re not. You are choking. MCAT, DAT, you’re going to the Caribbean, it’s a wrap. You choked, right? Too real? It’s real. We’ve all been there. And I can feel this turtle head coming out of my butt. I’m really nervous. I’m pooping my pants. I’m like, “No!” Then I hear… [sings Daily Show theme] I know that voice. It’s Jewish Yoda. It’s Jon. He’s walking through the tunnel where the guests come, so he’s just back-lit. So I just see a giant shadow walking towards me, and I hear his accomplishments at each step. “Boom! I am Jon Stewart. Boom! Twenty-two-time Emmy-award-winning Jon Stewart. Boom! I redefined political satire and comedy. What have you done?” I’m like, “Have you heard of Pizza Hut?” [laughter] [applause, whooping] Then he steps into the light, and he’s shorter than I thought. And he has all this scruff on his face. And I look at him, and I’m like… “Dad?” He had Jewish Najmi vibes. He shakes my hand. I could feel it, like he’d slapped me in a previous life. I was like, “I know this hand!” He starts riffing, I start riffing. The prompter guy: “What are you doing?” “I got this.” I had it all memorized. One shot, Eight Mile. And I stuck my landing like a Russian gymnast. “Thank you for the opportunity.” I tucked that turtle head back in my butt. “We’re going home.” I walk out the door, but then I hear a voice. “Hey, man, where are you going?” And it’s Jon. I was like, “Oh, I live in LA. I’ve got to go back to LA.” “Well, I’ll see you Monday, right?” I was like, “Why?” “Well, you work here. So I’ll see you Monday, right?” [huge cheer] I couldn’t believe it. I was like, “Oscar speech, go. Say what you got to say.” What I wanted to say was, “Jon, this is one of the only things that I’ve gotten in my entire career that my dad actually knows.” [laughter] “So thank you.” But what I said was, “Jon! My dad… knows you!” He’s like, “Yeah, I’m sure he does.” I pinch myself. “You’re Hasan Minhaj. You’re going to be on The Daily Show.” I run outside. I call my girl. She’s crying. I call my mom, she’s crying. I call my dad, he says “Good job.” “What? ‘Good job’? Say it again. I can’t hear you, Dad. Say it.” A car almost hits me. I’m, like, “No! I can’t die. I’ve got to drop the greatest status update.” I run upstairs, open my laptop, fire up Facebook, and then I see this. [audience gasps, moans] [quiet laughter] You guys see this, right? [laughter] Don’t you know what this means? Don’t you get it? I’m the cure for racism. [laughter, applause] I cured it. Alright, maybe I didn’t cure it, but everyone has a purpose. Some people were put here to find a cure for cancer, or find a vaccine for Ebola. My life is definitive proof that once you go br0wn, you’ve got to lock that shit down. [huge cheer, applause] Thank you. Thank you. Good night. Be well. God bless. I love you guys. I love you guys. Good night. I love you. [whistling, whooping] | [theme music: orchestral hip-hop] [crowd roars] What’s up? Davis, what’s up? I’m home. I had to bring it back here. Netflix said, “Where do you want to do the special? LA, Chicago, New York?” I was like, “Nah, son. Davis California.” [cheering, whooping] This has, um… This has been a very good year for me. I recently got married, you guys. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. I need the claps. It’s a very heavy ring. Very heavy. It was a reverse Lord of the Rings situation. I got a ring and then lost my powers, which is a very different Lord of the Rings. “Listening? Compromise? Take the ring, Sam.” The movie is done in eight minutes. It’s not a 90-hour saga. We just celebrated our one-year anniversary, so it’s one year down, forever to go. Which is terrifying to say. But you know what’s great? Now, it’s just kind of liberating. Because I don’t give a fuck about any of my single friends. I don’t care about any of you and it feels great. Because you guys are at home, just swiping for love, and complaining. “Oh, how do you find people?” “Dimples? Off with his head!” Like a god-damn emperor. “Brunettes? Not for me.” I’m like, “You work at Subway. You don’t deserve so much choice.” We’re getting soft. You realize my parents physically never saw each other? Thirty years ago in a town in India, population 990,000 — that’s a small town — my dad heard a buzz in the streets about this woman named Seema, my mom. And, like, Seema was that chick, you guys. In ’82, Seema could get… Look at that red langa. Killing it! She was like the iPhone 8. “Have you heard of Seema? She’s slim. Her family owns a camera.” My dad was like, “A camera?” So he runs to my grandfather’s house and lays it on the line. “I’m going to America. I want to marry Seema. YOLO.” In ten minutes, the man married a woman he had never laid eyes on. You understand? That’s Tinder with no photos. [laughter] “I want that for the rest of my life. I hope she has a good personality. Let’s move to the US where we’re the only people that know each other.” I’m so grateful for that decision. Najmi marries Question Mark, they come to the States, I come out. Popping out of your mom is like real estate. It’s all about location. I popped out here. Anybody br0wn, we popped out here, we made it. We’re the rappers that made it. What’s wild is, I never even knew how the whole X-Men Origins story went down. It’s crazy, because we know nothing about our parents and our parents know nothing about us. “Dad, your favorite color?” “Stanford!” “What? No.” “No, I want to know more about you.” “Why? Get into Stanford.” And I think it’s just that, like, immigrants love secrets. Right? They love them. They love bottling them up deep down, and unleashing them on you later when it’s no longer relevant. “Mom’s a ninja, Dad’s a communist? Why are you telling me this right now?” Every conversation with my dad is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. It’s just 90 minutes of build-up to no payoff. [laughs and applause] “That’s the ending?” So my dad marries my mom, they come to the States, they have me, in Davis, California, but my mom has to go back to India to finish up med school. So the first eight years, it was just me and my dad. Just the two of us trying to make it in America. Minus all the unconditional love. Br0wn love is very conditional. In the photo he’s like, “You had better get all As.” Like, let’s be real. I grew up here. Like, Pioneer… I grew up here. Yeah. [huge cheer] But Davis was, like, super white. Kind of like tonight. [laughter] Roll call was a problem. It was a big deal for a lot of us. Like, what’s your name? Jasura. Okay. What would you get? Jasuriah. Jasuriah? Yeah. I would get, like, “Hanson Minaja…” “Sahan Minha.” “Saddam Hussein.” It was my English teacher. “I’m not Saddam.” What’s your name? Biju. What would you get? A blank stare. A blank stare? I’m the only br0wn kid at school, Dad is the only br0wn guy at work. In a weird way that brings us together, and we have to do everything together. Try to understand immigrant fathers. I still can’t understand some of you. There are uncles here. None of you guys are smiling. I don’t get it. You’re going to die. Laugh. Why aren’t you laughing? You’re always stressed and always tired. You could wake up any immigrant father from a 12-hour nap, and they’d say… [angry yawn] “Why do I have to pay taxes?” You’re like, “Jesus…” We’d do everything… I remember being in the grocery store. And we’d be walking through the aisles, and my dad would pick up yogurt. “Ah, yogurt.” Or milk. Just like, “Ah.” And I’d look at him and be like, “Oh, man. Dad hates yogurt.” [laughter] “He hates milk.” But I get that look, now. Life is tough and sometimes you don’t know what you’re doing. He has a little kid and I’m not making his life any easier. I’m picking up soda and I’m like, “Ah!” “Don’t do that.” “I’m going to live forever!” Then I would trip on my Velcro shoes and I would drop the soda and it would explode. And then my dad would do what most br0wn parents do. He would check to see if the coast is clear… and he’d slap the shit out of me. [laughter] I love it. Thank you. Thank you. Pockets were acknowledging that. And for the liberal white guilt, immigrants aren’t going to hit their children the way you do. Americans hit on the arm and bruise the body. Immigrants slap your face and bruise your soul. It’s Guantanamo of the mind. And I know some of you guys are like, “Hey, this is Davis, okay? I listen to NPR. Ira Glass says children are our future.” Have you seen the show called The Slap? This is a real show on NBC. This is a real show about a white kid that gets slapped at a birthday party. Are you fucking kidding? Thirteen episodes for this kid? Are you kidding me? Do you know when br0wn kids get slapped? Every br0wn birthday party. And usually it’s the kid whose birthday it is, and we stand there and point and laugh. We go, “Ah, Biju got slapped on his birthday!” And that’s what makes us tough and resilient. It’s why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees. Slapping is important. It elevates your game. You ever seen an Indian kid win a spelling bee? Incredible! Ice water in the veins. [laughter] That kid won’t choke on camera. He’s been slapped on camera. Of course he can spell “knaidel”. Knaidel. Look at that face. Nothing. Nothing! He’s 12 years old. Nothing! This kid just won $30,000 cash. Nothing. People ask, “Where does that come from?” Look at this kid’s parents. Your son just won the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Look at his brother. His brother is like, “I’m fucked. I’m fucked. The bar is way too high. I should kill myself.” People say, “Where’s Bobby Jindal from?” That’s where he comes from. That is an Indian sociopath. [raucous laughter] I know what happens when I talk about this. People say, “Your parents don’t love you.” I think our parents love us. We have great fathers. I just think our fathers didn’t download all the great dad software. There are just a few apps missing. Birthdays aren’t their thing. Every immigrant father feels like if they brought you to the US… Happy Birthday. Starbucks, Wi-Fi, freeways, happy birthday. No more birthdays. Go be president. At an interview, this lady said, “Describe your earliest birthday memory.” I was like, “Do I have to?” So I’m six, I’m turning seven. My dad wakes me up super early in the morning. “Hasan, get up! Get in the Camry.” The immigrant car of choice. We get in the Camry, we’re driving from Davis to Sacramento. There’s one mall in the entire area. Arden. We get to this intersection, and I look to my left, and it’s the one place every kid dreams about. Toys ‘R’ Us. I was like, “Oh, shit! Dad saw the Toys ‘R’ Us catalog on my wall. He saw my vision board. He saw the blue BMX bike I wanted. He’s here to surprise me. Turn left. Turn left. Turn… left.” Then he turns right, and I’m like, “Home Depot? No!” I’m like, “Why are we here? Do you know what day it is?” “It’s Saturday.” “No, it’s my birthday. Did you forget?” He’s like, “Hasan, how could I forget that it’s your birthday? That’s why I brought you here. So you could pick the door handle for the bathroom.” [laughter] And I was like, “Why don’t you have me pick out the toilet? You are shitting on my dreams.” I didn’t say that. I would have gotten a slap. I wanted to say that. That’s when I realized there’s a generational gap between us and our parents. You’re going to fight with your parents, and there’s a finite number of hands you can play. You know about this. Not going to be a doctor? That’s a hand. Marry a white girl? Boom! That’s a big hand. [laughter, applause] I could have been like, “Dad, fight me. I want that bike.” But I was like, “Hang on to your cards. You’ll need them later.” Like, I had vision as a six-year-old. And my mom, she would come and visit, and just kill the mom game. One year, she came to school and brought me a Ghostbusters proton pack. The wheelie thing, the backpack, the gun that catches ghosts… Literally shut Pioneer down. Kids were losing their minds. “What? Saddam Hussein’s a Ghostbuster?” “Yeah, I’m a br0wn Ghostbuster. Deal with it.” One of the happiest days of my life. But then she would go back to India. That’s when I realized I don’t want a toy. I just want my mom. I want to be a family. I was very emo. I was like Drake. I missed that girl. “When is she coming back? I need her in my life. I need her. I need that girl. I need that girl in my life. I need her, Dad. She used to call me on my phone.” My dad’s like, “When the visa comes through.” “When the visa comes through.” It’s a big deal. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s difficult to get in this country. It’s not like a broken condom where you’re like, “I’m in!” [laughter] Eight years. August 11th, 1993. I’m so excited. I put on my Ghostbusters proton pack. I’m standing there. Dad goes, “Put on Indian clothes.” I’m like, “Alright. I can be an Indian ghostbuster.” I put on a Salwar Kameez. I’m standing there. Door opens. Dad walks through. Mom walks through. And then immediately behind my mom, is this little br0wn girl with a mushroom cut. She runs up to me and hugs me. “Hasan bhai!” And I’m in full hover-hands mode, because I have no idea who this person is. What happened was, my dad would go back and forth to India to visit my mom, and during one trip he knocked her up. [shocked laughter] And I had a sister. But no one told me about it. [uproarious laughter] Remember how I told you that immigrants love secrets? This is a secret that nobody told me! He says, “Hug her.” “You brought her out like Maury for immigrants.” “Hasan, you are the brother.” I’m like, “No, no!” She was breakdancing, and I’m like, “Who the fuck are you?” “You don’t know me?” “I’ve no idea who you are.” I hated that br0wn girl so much. I was like, “Build that wall.” I was like a little Republican. I was like, “I get it.” I remember leveling with my parents at the dinner table. “Look, Mom, Dad, let’s just be real. Oh, my God, these br0wn people… Oh, jeez. Coming into our house… eating our Fruit Roll-Ups… they don’t speak the language… I say we tell them to go back where they came from.” He’s like, “You can’t say that. We’re family.” I’m like, “No, that’s on you and Mom. You guys decided to get your Angelina Jolie on, and bring over this FOB. That’s on you, that’s not on me.” Why do you do this to your daughters? Every single br0wn mother makes your daughter quinceañera dress, chop cuts. Why? Princess from here down, Toad from here up. I’ve got this shit following me around on the playground. “Hasan bhai!” I’m like, “Yo, kick rocks!” I go play tetherball. “Hasan bhai!” “Get lost!” Eventually, I run to the boys’ bathroom. She follows me into the bathroom. “Hasan bhai!” All the kids at the urinal are like, “Uh! What’s Hasan-bye?” I went to school with a bunch of Ryan Lochtes. Just all traps. [slow, stupid voice] “Uh, I don’t understand other cultures, bro. What is that? What does it mean?” It’s a term of endearment in my culture, meaning “brother”. “Shut up, Cody!” I took that anger and channeled it at her. I was like, “Hey! You’re not my sister.” [gasps in audience] But she couldn’t understand English. [laughter, applause] But she got what I was saying. She starts crying and runs out. I was like, “No! She’s going to tell Dad.” Let’s focus on what’s important here. But she didn’t. And my dad… It was her first birthday in the US. She was turning five. So for her first birthday, he wanted it to be special. I can imagine being a father, missing your daughter’s first steps, her first time saying “Dada…” That’s a hard thing. So for her birthday, he brings everyone into the living room. He drags in this big box and goes, “Aisha, open the box.” She cuts open the box and unfurls one of the flaps, and I see “Toys ‘R’ Us” emblazoned on one of the flaps. And he reaches in, and pulls out a beautiful, blue BMX bike. [audience gasps] “Here you go, Aisha.” He looks at me. “Happy Birthday.” [shocked laughter, booing] Savage, right? I’m livid. I’m like, “Yo, when did Home Depot Dad become Danny Tanner? This is bullshit. Really?” I’m livid. And Aisha senses it. She’s like, “Hasan bhai, why don’t you take it out?” And as an elder brother, I felt entitled to that bike. “That’s my bike. Thank you.” Younger siblings, you guys are worthless. You bring nothing to the table. I see you getting mad. “Hell, no. I have a personality.” Where do you think you got that from, dummy? Us. Clothes, culture, money. “Whoa! I have opinions.” No, you don’t. And then you have the audacity to be, like, “Hey, why are you so melodramatic?” Because I went to war for you. Mom and Dad was my Vietnam. And you’re like, “Everybody loves me.” It’s such bullshit, right? Elder siblings, we walk through the world like, “Do people love me?” And you’re like, “Mom and Dad fucked up with you, not with me.” [shocked laughter] She’s like, “Take it for one lap around the block.” [speaking Hindi] I grab those handlebars, I’m like, “Fuck that noise.” Boom. I take off. She’s like, “Hasan bhai, come back!” I’m like, “Eat my dust, immigrant.” I’m flying. I see a curb. I’m about to pop a wheelie. The bike goes left, I go right. And that beautiful blue BMX bike… Bam! It crashes into the cement. All the paint is chipped off the right side of the bike. I pick it up, and it’s destroyed. I hear the patter of her chappals. She’s crying, “Hasan bhai, why would you do this?” Animé tears of innocence. “Why? I gave you the first ride.” And I’m looking down at her, and I’m like, “Man… I’m being a dick.” Like, this whole time I was looking for acceptance from Cody, Corey and Cole… [laughter] and I had it right here this entire time. I’m supposed to be her big brother, help her navigate the American dream and protect her. And I’m out here stealing her bike? This is fucked up. And Aisha hates that story. She’s always like, “Oh, my God, you are so melodramatic. You make me sound like a refugee baby.” That’s true. I’m doing that right now. It’s not fair, because she’s not a refugee. And, like, she learned English. She went to an Ivy League law school. She does mergers and acquisitions now. She is the one percent. Meanwhile, I… I didn’t go to grad school. I became a comedian. This is what I do. And then, when it came time for me to get married, I got married to a girl from a Hindu family. I heard an audible “Oh!” Alright. Fuck. I heard you go, like, “Ugh!” I didn’t punch you. Damn! So some of you guys don’t know. Hindus and Muslims are like the Montagues and Capulets of India. We’ve been warring for centuries. You’re like, “What’s the difference? You look the same.” So how do I explain this? Hindus and Muslims. So Hindus… Hindus don’t eat beef. “No beef!” Right? And Muslims, we don’t eat pork. “Is that pepperoni pizza? No. No pepperoni!” And then Hindus, they like statues. They’re like, “Oh! This is a statue of an elephant. I’m going to put this in my car.” [laughter, applause] Muslims are like, “No statues! Calligraphy! We’re about the alphabet. We put that in our car. We’re different.” And then Hindus, they like cartoons. They’re like, “Oh, this is a cartoon Ganesh. I’ll just put this on the wall.” And Muslims… we don’t really, uh, like cartoons. We’ve got to get better about our cartoon policy. Because of this we’ve been killing each other for centuries. And I know the older generation doesn’t like those jokes. “Pakistan was created because of this reason.” I know, but… I convinced my dad. “Dad, I love her, she loves me. Isn’t there something bigger that unites all of us outside of race, color, creed, class? This is America. We can choose what we want to adhere from the motherland. Isn’t life like biryani, where you push the weird shit to the side? Why do we got to adhere to this weird shit from back over there? He agrees. He’s like, “That’s a good point. Fine. You should get married.” That’s a Hall of Fame br0wn dad decision. There’s br0wn dads here, like, “If my son did that, I would shoot myself and then shoot him.” He says yes. We rally the troops, Me, Mom, Dad, Aisha, we get in the Camry, we’re driving to my fiancée’s house. And we’re about to pull up and we get to the door, and my dad is about to ring the doorbell, when he says the sentence that is the killer of every br0wn kid’s dream. He goes, “I don’t think we should do this. Log kya kahenge? [audience gasps] “What will people think?” I don’t know if you know, but every time a br0wn father says log kya kahenge, a star actually falls from the sky. [laughter] “I don’t want to be a doctor!” “Log kya kahenge!” No! “I don’t want to marry!” “Log kya kahenge!” Why? I bet you, when Mahatma Gandhi told his parents he was going to liberate India, even they were like, “Log kya kahenge! “Stop marching. The British are going to talk shit about us. Why are you bald and skinny? You’re never going to get married.” And I’m standing there… on that doorstep. [applause, cheering] Wait, I’m standing there… on that doorstep, like, “Wait, you want me to change my life because of log kya kahenge? Come on, Dad. How many times do we complain about racism in our community? All the time. Now the ball is in our court, we’re going to be bigoted? Dad, I promise you, God doesn’t like bigotry. God’s not like, ‘You’re racist. Good job.’ No! Number two, you want me to change my life to appease some aunty and uncle I’m never going to see? You want me to change my life for Naila Aunty? Fuck Naila Aunty. Are you fucking kidding me? My life?” But I can’t say that. Because I’ve played all my cards. So I can’t say anything. Now I’m losing hope. I’m, like, “Maybe this is bigger than me. Why can’t I put my head down and do what I’m supposed to do? This ain’t Jodhaa Akbar.” Have you ever been trapped by the time you live in? It’s been going on for centuries. So I’m walking back to the Camry, then I hear a voice behind me. “Oh, my God. You guys do this all the time.” And it is Aisha, and she is pissed. And she’s like, “Dad, I did not fly out from Philly for this.” [laughter] “Beena is so legit. She has a PhD. Hasan bhai is a comedian.” [laughter, applause, whooping] “No one is going to marry him. Get him married before she changes her mind.” She stepped up. She laid down one of her cards for me. She Phil Jacksoned that situation. She got all these people working together. Because of her, I got to marry the love of my life. Because of my sister. I can’t believe it. [rapturous applause] For years I resented that br0wn girl. I hated her. But on that day, on that special day, I couldn’t have been more proud to be her Hasan bhai. [applause, whistling] [whooping] [huge applause] [applause fades] You know, they say every generation is defined by a great struggle or tragedy. And it’s wild that our kids will never know there was a period in time in this country where you had to make a choice between being on the internet or being on the phone. [laughter] They won’t get it, dude. You’ll never get it. You don’t get it, man. You won’t. That was our World War I, man. Especially in middle school, if a girl called the house, you had to pick up the phone before your parents. We used to have landlines. It’s like phones connected to the land. And one time in middle school a girl called the house. My dad picked it up before me. “Hello, who is this?” “Hi, it’s Alice. Is Hasan there?” “What you want, Alice?” I was like, “I’m going to die a virgin.” “I’m in Geometry with Hasan. I had a question. Can I ask him the question?” He’s like, “Okay, Alice. Why don’t you ask me the question, then I’ll ask Hasan?” That’s the way our parents are. Ages zero through 30, “No girls!” At 35, “Why can’t you talk to girls?” That’s basically it. “Ah, you kill me!” [applause, whooping] That’s the way our parents are, right? Our parents are like a firewall to the outside world. They disseminate information to us. It’s like living in North Korea. My dad is the leader of the household. So when 9-11 happened I was in high school. My dad sits everybody down. He’s like, “Hasan, whatever you do, do not tell people you’re Muslim or talk about politics.” “Alright, Dad, I’ll just hide it. This just rubs off.” We’re sitting there. Phone rings. I run, but my dad beats me to the phone. “Hello?” I grab the second phone. I hear a voice. “Hey, you sand n*gger, where’s Osama?” [audience gasps] He looks at me. “You can hear me, right? You fucking dune coon. Where’s Osama?” “Hey, 2631 Regatta Lane, that’s where you live, right? I’m going to fucking kill you.” Click. And my dad’s looking at me. Do you ever see your parents, and you see the mortality in them? I’m looking at my dad and I see all five-seven of him. And that’s when I realize I’m a darapok. I’m a scaredy-cat. We can speak two languages. We can speak at home and outside. I should have said something. I didn’t. We sit down. I hear “thud, thud, thud” outside. Me and Dad run outside and all the windows on the Camry are smashed in. My backpack’s open. “Fuck, they stole my stuff.” I reach and I pull out my backpack. Pieces of glass get caught in my arm. Now blood is gushing down my arm, and I’m pissed, I’m fucking mad. Fuck this, man! These kids know where we live, they’re timing this, so they’re watching us. So I’m looking in the trees, the bushes… I look back in the middle of the street, my dad is in the middle of the road sweeping glass out of the road like he works at a barbershop. “We’ve got customers. Log kya kahenge? We’ve got to clean this up.” Zen! Br0wn Mr Miyagi, just, like, not saying a word. I’m like, “Why aren’t you saying something? I’m asking you, say something!” He looks at me and goes, “Hasan…” [speaking Hindi] [speaking Hindi] “These things happen, and these things will continue to happen. That’s the price we pay for being here.” That’s when I was like, “We really are from two different generations.” BMX bikes aside. My dad’s from that generation where he feels like if you come to this country, you pay the American dream tax. You endure racism, and if it doesn’t cost you your life, pay it. There you go, Uncle Sam. But for me, I was born here. So I actually have the audacity of equality. I’m like, “I’m in Honors Gov, I have it right here. Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness. All men created equal.” It says it right here, I’m equal. I’m equal. I don’t deserve this. [deafening applause] But as soon as I say that… He looks at me like I believe in Santa. “Hasan, you’ll never understand.” “I’ll never understand? Dad, you’re the guy that will argue with the cashier at Costco when he doesn’t let you return used underwear. And now you want to be the bigger man? Now you’re like, ‘Let’s be reasonable with the bigots.’ What?” And then he just walks back into the house with glass in his feet. And I honestly don’t know who is more right. Maybe he’s right. Put your head down. Be a doctor, get a house in the burbs, let them call them whatever you want. But isn’t it our job to push the needle forward little by little? Isn’t that how all this stuff happens? I don’t know. The pendulum swings back and forth for me. And I know 9/11 is a super touchy subject. I understand. Because when it happened, everyone in America felt like their country was under attack. But on that night, September 12th, it was the first night of so many nights where my family’s loyalty to this country was under attack. And it always sucks. As immigrants we always have to put on these press releases to prove our patriotism. We’re auditioning. “We love this country, please believe me.” Nobody loves this country more than us. I fell in love here. Six years old, Janice Malo. I saw her in the sandbox. I run up to her. First grade. “I love you!” “You’re the color of poop.” That’s memory number one. The first time you experience racism? I was like, “What? Oh, no! It’s not rubbing off!” I was fucking terrified. It was like Inception. There were so many levels. I just wanted to wake up and be like, “Oh, it was all a dream. I’m JGL. It was all a dream.” But it’s not a dream, it’s the universe telling you, “It’s a Fair and Lovely world. Navigate accordingly.” In the third grade, Miss Anderson said, “Write what you want to be.” Some kids were like, “an astronaut,” or “a firefighter.” I was like, “I want to be white.” [shocked laughter] “What do you mean?” “I want this part of my skin to be all of my skin.” And it wasn’t like, “I hate melanin.” I love melanin. I’ve never gotten a sunburn. I’m blessed. [laughter, applause, whooping] But when you’re white and you’re playing the video game of life, and your avatar is white, you just get asked less questions along the way. You pop out. Boom. “I want to be Batman.” “Well, of course. Batman is white. Duh!” “I want to be president.” “Duh! Forty-four-and-a-half presidents are white. We’ve had a great track record.” And I know the privilege debate is very heavy for white people. I know you guys have problems. I’ve seen Girls. [laughter] My dad did not give a shit about any of this identity stuff. His rules with me were very simple. “No fun, no girlfriends. Have fun in med school.” Which is a huge lie. It never gets popping in med school. I’ve never been to a club and seen nine dudes: “Yo, what’s going on?” “What’s going on? Residency, fam!” Never happens. “I got a career I hate from my parents.” It’s a lie. We buy into it. So by my senior year of high school, I had yet to go to a school dance, I had been cut from the basketball team, and I had just got off this medicine called Accutane so my skin and face was peeling. I’m crushing life. Out here, killing it. No one did that. Don’t clap. No one did that for that photo. No one ever did that at my school. It’s too late. But there was one bright spot, this girl named Bethany Reed. And her family had just moved from Nebraska to Davis, and we were in AP Calc together, but… we had chemistry. She sat behind me, first day, she’s like, “Hey… what’s your AIM screen name?” [laughter] I was like, “It’s about to go down. Do you want it? I could give it to you.” Whatever I lacked in real-life game, my digital game… bananas. Status updates, away messages, sub profile, Boyz II Men. Don’t say you don’t like “Water Runs Dry”. I was a lover. Late at night on AIM, back and forth, back and forth… You guys don’t know this. Some of you guys are just in college, Snapchatting. Back in the day, we had to fire up the internet like goddamn cavemen. You know what I mean? [makes long, crackling, buzzing noise] [blows] If someone picked up the phone, “Hey, get off the phone! I’m trying to talk to somebody!” That’s how we would communicate. Late at night, back and forth, back and forth. One night she was like, “Hey, come over.” I bike over to her place, white picket fence, McMansion, Ford Expedition, Eddie Bauer edition. [audience cheers] “Oh, they made it!” Mrs Reed opens the door. Her father is this successful retired judge. Mrs Reed’s like, “You want br0wnies?” “Yeah. Cool.” “Hey, stay for dinner.” “We just had br0wnies, but okay.” We’re sitting there at the dinner table. And now Mrs Reed’s like, “Hey, honey, we know so much about Bethany, but we don’t know anything about you. What do you like? What are you into?” I was like, “What?” [laughter] “What do I like? Um… Nobody… Nobody has ever asked me that before.” [laughter] “I guess I like acoustic guitar.” “You should do that. You should follow your dreams.” [laughter] “Maybe I will. Maybe I will follow my dreams.” Then Bethany’s like, “Hey, we always study at my house. Why don’t we study at your house?” I was like, “I’ve got to go.” What, invite you over to my house? You walk in: “What language are you guys speaking? What’s that smell?” I’m not going to open myself up to that. But I was like, “No, she’s different.” I hit her up late at night. “Mom, Dad, a school friend is coming over. Everyone here, please be normal.” My dad is like, “We are normal.” Killing me, you know what I mean? “Hasan, we’re normal. Be proud. You should be proud.” Who is proud? No one is. You’re walking around like a rooster. I’m not proud and no one is proud. We get there. We’re sitting on my living room table. My mom and dad are arguing in Hindi. My mom is frying pakoras. The fobbiest thing ever. Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham is playing on Zee TV. But it’s too much. It’s all coming at this girl. It’s too much. You’ve got to ease your way in. She’s from Nebraska. Soul cycle, yoga, then Zee TV. Don’t just, like, go into it. So I’m looking at her, like, “Don’t say anything. Please don’t say anything.” She looks up from her book, and she’s like, “You know what? This is really nice. We should do this more often. This is really nice.” And I look at her, and I’m like, “Oh, my God. I love you, my white princess.” [laughter] “You see me. I don’t got to change who I am? I can be me!” So I’m going back and forth. Her house, my house. One night, we’re on the living room table. We’re doing integrals. [laughter] She closes her book. She’s like, “Hey. It’s late.” And I’m like, “It is late.” And she’s like… “I should go home.” I was like, “Yeah, you should…” Why did you say that? That was your chance. Don’t do that. I said, “Wait, let me walk you out.” So I’m walking her out. She gets in the car. I’m about to close the door. She rams her arm into the door, leans out and gives me a kiss. “I love you.” Drives off into the night. Like a fucking G! Because she knew the rules. She knew the rules. No fun, no friends, no girlfriends. All we had was that stolen moment in my driveway. You guys are like, “I was getting handjobs when I was nine.” Not me. Not this guy. Not you, not you, not you. Not us. I was like, “Are we getting married? I have to change my pants. We are definitely getting married. When is the shaadi?” [applause] Now, my AP Calc class was a group of overachievers and my Calc teacher, Mr Pendleton, wanted us to live lives outside of school. So one day he gets up in front of the entire class. “Alright, you guys are all killing it academically but I want you to know there is more to life than just getting into UC Berkeley.” One kid was like, “I know, getting into Stanford.” He’s like, “No, you have to live a life worth talking about, which is why I’m making it mandatory for everyone in this class to go to prom.” I’m like, “All 30 of us? We’re all going to prom? AP Calc? Us? Me, Jehovah’s Witness girl, Korean exchange students, going to the prom? Thirty for 30? All of us?” I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying. He’s like, “Hanson, this is not funny.” He walks over to the board, he pulls it down. It’s a bracket with everybody’s name on it leading up to the big dance. It’s March Madness for nerds. I’m like, “Whatever, it’s not going to happen. He can’t do this.” Weeks go by. Kids start getting dates. Three days before prom he walks to the board. Last two names: Hasan Minhaj, Bethany Reed. The class goes nuts. They’re like, “Oh! They’re going to fuck!” “No, we’re not! Are we? No, no we’re not.” I look at her, “Please don’t say anything.” She says nothing, like a G. [laughter] Bell rings. I’m walking to my locker. I hear footsteps. She’s like, “Wait up.” I was like, “What’s up?” “Oh, that was crazy back there. What are the chances?” She’s like, “Listen, you know, ever since my family moved from Nebraska, you’ve been my best friend. And you’re really special to me. This year wouldn’t be the same without you. So I was wondering, will you go to prom with me?” [applause, whooping] I was like, “Yes, my white princess.” As soon as I said that, I was like, “No!” I had bitten off more than I could chew. “No, wait. You’ve got cards to play. You’re good. You’re a good kid. Also, remember, parents respect honesty. You’ve seen this on TV. If you go home and are honest, your parents will be like, ‘Even though I disagree with you, I respect your candor. Therefore I will grant your wish.'” I ran home, I was like, “Dad, I would like to go to prom.” [speaking Hindi] Which means, “I will break your face.” “Duly noted, father.” “Bethany, situation at home. Father doesn’t want us to go to prom. I’m going to sneak out. I live on the second story. I’m going to jump off and land on my bike. I’ll bike to your place, we dance it up, and if I die, I had a great run.” You know? You’re going to die, so put it on the tombstone. “Hasan Minhaj, 4.3 GPA, kissed a white girl.” What an amazing way to go. The night of prom rolls around. I put on the JC Penney suit. Spray on the Michael Jordan cologne. Six puffs, one for each championship. You don’t want to overkill it with the MJ cologne. Don’t be tacky. I’m scaling down the side of my roof, scraping my knees. I jump off the roof. It’s like 20 feet. I jump off, I somehow land, I get on my bike. It’s beautiful, the sun is setting, it’s one of those gorgeous evenings. And I’m biking with my knees bowed out. So my slacks don’t get caught up in the chains. Fast enough to get there, but slow enough to not get pit stains. I’m balancing the corsage. [panting] “Alright, go. Go. You’re good. You’re getting there.” [wild applause and cheering] I get to her house. I park my bike. I’m walking up to the doorstep, and I’m about to ring the doorbell when I’m like, “Wait. 30 second time-out. Do you understand what’s about to go down? You’re about to go to prom with Bethany motherfucking Reed.” [applause] “This is the American dream. This is what Dad fought for.” Ding-dong. Mrs Reed opens the door. She has this look of concern. And I look over her shoulder, and I see Jeff Burke putting a corsage on Bethany’s wrist. [audience sighs] And she’s like, “Oh, my God, honey, did Bethany not tell you? Sweetie, we love you, we think you’re great. We love that you come over and study. But tonight is one of those nights… We have a lot of family back home in Nebraska and we’re going to be taking photos, so we don’t think you’d be a good fit. Do you need a ride home? Mr Reed can give you a ride home.” And I was like, “No, I have my bike.” And I just biked home and played Mario Kart. That’s the nicest I’ve ever been dressed, playing Mario Kart. [laughter] I wish I had said, “Fuck that, I’m going to the dance.” I didn’t. The sad part is, I felt bad for being there. Who was I to ruin their picture-perfect celebration? You’ve seen movies. How many times do you see that on screen? And it’s not like they were yokels yelling “sand n*gger!” I could let that pass. I’d eaten off their plates, kissed their daughter. I didn’t know that people could be bigoted even as they were smiling at you. It’s hard when you see people saying they love you but they’re afraid at the same time. And I didn’t know what that meant. [applause] Then the following Monday, during first period she finds me. She’s like, “Everybody has been asking why we didn’t go. Please don’t say anything. It’s a generational thing. Please don’t say anything.” And I look at her. Second period rolls around like clockwork. Mr Pendleton’s like, “So, lovebirds, what happened? Everybody’s wondering.” So I’m, like, “Yeah, what happened?” Looking at her. She just looks down. Now everybody’s looking at me so I’ve got to improvise. I was like, “Yeah, you know, I decided not to go. I mean, dances are overrated. They’re a cliché. I decided not to go.” Everybody in the class looked at me. “Wow, you dick.” “You stood up the new girl? Thank God Jeff took her. You’re a dick.” That’s the last time we ever spoke. And you know, time has passed, and I don’t really think about that day. I mean, I did write a show about it, but… [laughter] like a lot of people… [cheering] [more cheering, whooping] …you move on to different chapters of your life. You have selective memory. You’re in college. Tools, Clear History. Out of college. Tools, Clear History. Never did that. Married. Tools, Clear History. Never happened. Second marriage, Tools, Clear History. Never happened. But for the most part, I actually think about it the way my dad does. “Oh, you couldn’t go to prom with a white girl? Who gives a fuck? At least your spine isn’t getting shattered in a police wagon, though it’s happening to African-Americans to this day. So this is a tax you have to pay? I’ll pay it. ‘I can’t date your daughter.’ I don’t give a fuck, Uncle Sam. Take it.” But then I realized, wait, hold on. Why is it every time the collateral damage has to be death, for us to talk about this? A kid has to get shot 16 times for us to be like, “Maybe we have a race problem.” For every Trayvon Martin or Ahmed the clock kid, there is bigotry that happens every day. Because we’re too afraid of the Other. Someone who’s not in our tribe. I wish I could tell 18-year-old me, “Hey, man, don’t let this experience define you. It’s good people and bad people. Irrespective of creed, class, color, find those people. Because love is bigger than fear.” I wish I could tell him that. I really believe that. [applause, cheering] I really believe love is bigger than fear. Fox News has taught me that. Fox News is incredible. I’ve never seen so many people with spray tans hate people of color. It is amazing. And Fox News is in New York. They’re in New York. Daily Show, Fox News, five avenues away from each other. That’s it. Professor X, Magneto, that close. Every day I walk past their building during lunch. I’ll see all the employees, Hannity, Coulter, O’Reilly, leave their building, cross the street, walk past me, and line up for halal chicken and rice. I’m like, “Uh… Racist Randy wants that red sauce.” Your brain can be racist, but your body will just betray you. I love that so much. All morning, they’re like, “Mexicans, all lives matter, Arabs… 12:01! Shwarma time!” I love that so much. And I wish I could tell 18-year-old me that, but I can’t. I don’t have a time machine. I can’t tell him that. You know what the shitty part is? When you first fall in love, you get that first taste of the Heisenberg blue. It’s never the same after that. People here with girlfriends are like, “Babe, it’s different with you.” You’re lying and that’s okay. But we had those first secrets. My secret was, “I want to be a comedian.” She said, “I want to be a journalist.” We promised we would follow our dreams, no matter what people would think. So I started doing comedy. I wasn’t very good. Two years, three years, four years, six years, seven years… I finally get a chance to headline a comedy club. It’s a big deal for me. Gotham Comedy Club, New York City. I did what a lot of early comedians do. I got on Facebook, I got super cocky. I was like, “Yo, Facebook! Your boy, headlining Gotham Comedy Club. Let me know if you want some tix.” All caps. Like, relax! I sent it. I was like, “I’m a headliner. Let’s go to the airport. LA, Chicago, Nashville, New York… I’m flying Southwest. I was like, “I made it! Oh, hello. La Quinta Inn! Don’t mind if I do. Free Wi-Fi? Why not? Let’s see what the internet is saying about me. I open up my laptop, fire up Facebook, and I see this. “Hey, um, long time no see. You’re doing comedy now. So cool. Listen, me and my girlfriends live in Manhattan and we were wondering if we could get some tix?” Question mark. Okay. [laughter] [sighs with pleasure as he drinks] [applause] I don’t know if you know what this means. But, you know, if life gives you lemons, sometimes you’ve got to make “revenge lemonade.” Sprinkle in a little irony. Reply, son. Reply. “Bethany, comma, enter. Totally remember you. Long time no see, indeed.” [talks gibberish in high-pitched voice] “Seven years. A lot of time. Listen, I would love to give you some tix, but we’re going to be taking a lot of photos tonight… [audience gasps, applauds] …and I don’t think you’d be a good fit.” Send that shit! Send that shit right now! Send that shit right now! I jump on stage! I run to the club, jump on stage… I don’t even know what I said. I was like, “Fuck that. Goodnight.” Boom. I go to the airport. We go from New York, Chicago, to Nashville to LA. I pick up my Toyota Camry L-motherfucking-E. Don’t you ever forget about it. Cloth interior for life. Whipping through the streets of LA. “Hello, headliner. What do you need?” “Hasan bhai, Dad had a heart attack. Hey… idiot, pick up your phone. I need you. Dad had a heart attack.” My dad had just suffered a quintuple bypass. So they’re rushing him to the hospital. Aisha goes, “Come home, now.” I was like, “I got a set at the Comedy Store. I’m going to do that, then I’ll come home.” And I did a set at the Comedy Store. And then I drove home. And I don’t know why… I get to Kaiser and run upstairs. My mom and my sisters are crying. My sister looks at me, she’s like, “They don’t know what you did. I do.” Doctor sees me. “Are you his son?” “Yeah.” “You’re over 18? Sign this.” I sign this waiver that clears the hospital of liability if something happens to my dad. The surgery is that risky. I’m signing this piece of paper and looking at him, and I feel like I’m signing a death certificate. His body temperature is so low that he looks blue. They wheel him into surgery and I hand the clipboard to the doctor. I look at my dad, like, “If this is the last time I see my dad… I’m saying goodbye to a person I barely even know.” And I’m waiting, hoping that he comes out of surgery okay. And somehow he makes it through. We’re in the hospital. I have to tell him stories. So I’m telling him stories about my life, he’s telling me stories about his. So I tell him the prom story. He goes, “Hasan, I’m mad at you.” “I know, I kissed a girl. I’ll never do it again.” [laughter] He goes, “No… why don’t you forgive Bethany?” [speaking Hindi] He wanted to be the bigger person again. I was like, “Why?” “You know when I emigrated to this country in 1982, I thought if I let you go to a school dance, you would join a gang, get a girl pregnant and become a drug dealer, in one night. I wanted to protect you. Her family saw stuff about us. They wanted to protect their daughter. Everybody’s afraid of everybody. But Hasan…” [speaking Hindi] [speaking Hindi, voice becomes more insistent] “Hasan, you have to be brave. Your courage to do what’s right has to be greater than your fear of getting hurt. So, Hasan, be brave. Hasan, be brave.” It’s a very beautiful poem. I think about it all the time. And look, there are some days where I can forgive that person. The past is the past. Tools, Clear History. It’s done. Other days, “No, fuck that. This is House of Cards. Crush our enemies.” I didn’t know how to feel, until this. Pizza Hut new big pizza sliders are here. Get nine in a box for just ten bucks. Ten bucks. Match up to three ways. Three? Cheese! Big, delicious sliders, only at your Pizza Hut. And that’s how you make it great. Alright, so… so this airs during March Madness. Everyone sees it. The night this airs, friends send me text messages. “Hey, man, by any chance do you know how many pizza sliders you get in a box for just ten bucks?” [laughter] “Nine!” “Is it true you can mix and match up to three ways?” [laughter] “Yes, three. Yes.” A buddy of mine sends me this screengrab. “Just saw my high school prom date in a Pizza Hut ad.” #throwback. #it’s a small world. #brilliant. To which I reply, “We didn’t end up going, though. How’ve you been?” #MrP. #Calc. To which she replies, “I know! Made for a better tweet though. Let me know when you’re in New York.” To which I reply, “abso-f*cking-lutely.” Now, against the advice of my therapist I go on Facebook, because she has a public profile. So I start clicking around. “Bethany Reed.” Okay. “Lives in Manhattan.” Duh, we knew that. “In a relationship with…” I click it. [audience gasps, applause] “Rajesh… Rengatramanajanana…” She is dating an Indian dude, and this dude is Indian as fuck. Look at his name! Look at how big his name is. It’s so big, it barely fits in his Facebook profile. So big. Ten syllables. Ra-jesh Ren-gat-ra-ma-na-ja-na-nam. Are you kidding me? How many letters are in the alphabet? How many letters in the alphabet? 26 letters in the alphabet, right? How many letters are in Rajesh Rengatramanajananam? 25. That’s one less letter than the entire alphabet. Come on! How easy is my name? Hasan Minhaj. So easy. She was like, “Fuck that. Give me the Rajesh Rengatramana… motherfucking-jananam.” Like, “No!” God is laughing at me. God is laughing at me. Now, against the advice of my therapist… I make contact. She’s like, “Do not make contact.” I’m like, “Tell me what I want to hear.” “Need closure? Go for it.” “See you next week.” Therapy is bullshit. “Bethany, I’ve got a gig in New York next week. I would love to meet up.” She’s like, “Yeah, let’s meet up.” And I go from LA to New York, direct flight. Pizza Hut money. I’m walking through New York. I’m livid. I’m pissed. How is this possible? How is this possible? Rajesh Rengatramana… How does she make love? “Oh, my God, Rajesh Rengatramanajananam, give it to me right now. Rajesh Rengatramanajananam, I want you so bad. Put your Rajesh in my Rengatramanajananam.” I was like, “Stop it. Stop imagining her having sex with Rajesh Rengatramanajananam. You’ve got leverage. Walk in there, be cool. Walk in there, be confident. Be like this, dude. Walk in there and just own it. Be like this, be like this.” [laughter] [whistling, whooping] “What’s up?” Do that with this, and then lick the lips and go, “What’s up?” I’m practicing it. I get to the door, open the door, then I hear, “Hey, Hasan!” She’s sitting outside. She saw me doing this shit in the street. [applause] I was like, “Oh, hey, what’s up? Is someone sitting there? Cool.” I just walk up and I’m like, “Alright, yeah. I’ll just sit here, cool.” I’m sitting there. When you see someone from your past, all of a sudden, you’re that age again. So all that Kanye juice just goes out of my body. I can’t say anything. It’s like the adults in Charlie Br0wn. I can’t say anything. 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes. “Dude, are you going to be a darapok again? Say something.” She starts talking about rent control and I cut her off. “Bethany, do you know why I’m here? I’m here to talk about prom.” [laughter] And her face went white. You guys knew she was white, right? It went whiter than white. And I was like, “You knew my situation. You knew it. I was ride or die for you. At that age, that’s a lot. You weren’t the same for me, fine. Whatever. But what makes matters worse is, you had me socially crucified in front of everybody. You knew how hard it was for me, and then I was so insecure at that age that I couldn’t date another white person, because I was afraid of not being able to be with them, because of the color of my skin. Do you know what that’s like? And now, I’m trying to pursue my dreams, I’m trying, but now you’re writing about me, you act like we’re cool, when we’re not. Why do you do that?” And she was like, “I am so sorry. But you know we were 18, right? Like, I really wanted to go with you. But my mom, she’s very controlling. Do you know what it’s like to have a parent that controls your life?” “No, I don’t. What is that like? Do tell. I would love to hear that story.” [cheering] “Tell me more.” What? She’s like, “I wish I could have gone with you. But I can’t change the past. I never thought you would want to talk to me ever again. But the reason why I write about you is because I see you kept your promise. So even if you never want to talk to me ever again, I’ll always be rooting for you.” You know how you carry hatred in your heart about people in your past? “They did this to me. Fuck them.” Damn them. In that moment, I let it go. I crushed it like a Voldemort Horcrux. [makes crushing sounds] [cheering, applause] But I had to ask her the question that we’re all thinking. [laughter] “What about Mr Rengatramanajananam?” She’s like, “I hit it off with this guy. We decide to move in together. I needed money for a deposit so I called my mom.” “What did your mom say?” “My mom was like, ‘No. You know the way our family is. So make up your mind.'” And I was like, “What did you say?” And she’s like, “I told my mom, ‘Not again. This isn’t high school. Raj is a good person and so am I. So I’m going to be with him because it’s right. I hope you make up your mind.'” And I’m looking at her, and I’m so embarrassed. I’m like, “Dude, what are you doing? Why are you hunting down people from your past like a psycho? [laughter] You’re not Liam Neeson. What is going on?” I realized, “You don’t give a shit about this person.” I care about what she represents. Growing up, we just want that co-sign. To tell them you’re good enough. “Sit here. You’re good enough.” But that’s not the American dream. It’s not asking for a co-sign. It’s what every generation did before you. You claim that shit on your own terms. Pizza Hut pizza sliders. Nine in a box for just ten bucks. That’s you. You’re not Hasan Minhaj. You’re “Hussan Minhajj”. This is new br0wn America. The dream is for you to take, so take that shit. Stop blaming other people. [cheering, whooping] Now I’m standing outside the restaurant and I can’t even concentrate, because I know she’s more evolved than me. She’s like, “Next time, me, you and Raj should hang out.” I’m like, “Yeah, let’s not do that.” And I’m walking to the subway station. But I take one last look at the restaurant. Just to see her one last time. To know that generational change is possible with one choice. I turn around and I look, but she’s gone. And I never saw her again. I did keep my promise, though. You know, I kept doing comedy. I never knew… I never knew if I would do anything more than Pizza Hut. You know how you hit that point when your parents give up on you and move on? “Let’s move on to Aisha.” One day I get an email from my manager. “Want to audition for The Daily Show?” That’s not a question. That’s a statement. “Hey, audition for The Daily Show.” I submit a tape. I get a call. “Jon Stewart saw your tape. Come to New York. They want you to audition. But, but… you have to write another original piece. Can you write another?” “No, I can’t. I’m not Larry David. I can’t do Seinfeld and Curb. I’m a mere mortal.” I’m walking back and forth in my shitty one-bed apartment, like, “I’m going to die here.” And it’s amazing how racism will always happen to you when you need it the most. Like changing the oil on your car. “Oh, 15,000 miles. Racism.” So I’m watching the show Real Time With Bill Maher. Have you guys seen Real Time With Bill Maher? You know Bill’s demeanor. “Hey, do you believe in God? You’re a fucking idiot.” And everyone’s like, “Oh, the atheist prophet speaks!” So this clip went viral, him and Ben Affleck. Bill Maher is like, “These Muslims, 85 percent of them hate our freedom. We’ve got to round them up, we’ve got to contain them.” And Ben Affleck’s like, “Are you crazy? Round them up, contain them? Dude, we did that to the Japanese. You can’t do that. Am I crazy?” And I was like, “No, you’re not crazy. You’re my white prince.” [laughter, applause] Don’t you realize what happened in that moment? We got our first A-list celebrity to back the Muslim community. We got Batman, baby! “He may not be the hero we want, but he is the hero the Muslim world needs.” “Batman versus Bill Maher.” I write the piece, go to New York. You get it, right? The producer answers the door: “Audition with me. When you’re ready, Jon will come down. Run it with me.” We’re walking down the hallway, and I see all these photos of the old correspondents that came before me. Steve Carell, John Oliver, Sam Bee, Jason Jones, Ed Helms, Steven Colbert… and me? Keema roti, me? You know we don’t end up this far. You know the way it is. Middle management till we die. We’re not on that stage, ever. I walk in and I see that Daily Show globe. I can’t tell you how blue it is. And now I’m sweating through my suit. The producer is like, “We’ll run it a few times.” And I sit down and I get to the desk. Sitting presidents have sat on that desk. I sit down and we’re running it, and I’m nervous. He goes, “Hey, man, just slow down. Alright?” We run it a second time. Now I’m stuttering. And he goes, “Hey, man, relax. You’re funny.” Which is a tell-tale sign of being, like, “Hey, man. You’re not funny. You shouldn’t relax.” And I can feel it. I’m choking. We’ve all been there. Everyone’s, “How did it go?” You’re like, “Positive thoughts.” No, it’s not happening. You’re not. You are choking. MCAT, DAT, you’re going to the Caribbean, it’s a wrap. You choked, right? Too real? It’s real. We’ve all been there. And I can feel this turtle head coming out of my butt. I’m really nervous. I’m pooping my pants. I’m like, “No!” Then I hear… [sings Daily Show theme] I know that voice. It’s Jewish Yoda. It’s Jon. He’s walking through the tunnel where the guests come, so he’s just back-lit. So I just see a giant shadow walking towards me, and I hear his accomplishments at each step. “Boom! I am Jon Stewart. Boom! Twenty-two-time Emmy-award-winning Jon Stewart. Boom! I redefined political satire and comedy. What have you done?” I’m like, “Have you heard of Pizza Hut?” [laughter] [applause, whooping] Then he steps into the light, and he’s shorter than I thought. And he has all this scruff on his face. And I look at him, and I’m like… “Dad?” He had Jewish Najmi vibes. He shakes my hand. I could feel it, like he’d slapped me in a previous life. I was like, “I know this hand!” He starts riffing, I start riffing. The prompter guy: “What are you doing?” “I got this.” I had it all memorized. One shot, Eight Mile. And I stuck my landing like a Russian gymnast. “Thank you for the opportunity.” I tucked that turtle head back in my butt. “We’re going home.” I walk out the door, but then I hear a voice. “Hey, man, where are you going?” And it’s Jon. I was like, “Oh, I live in LA. I’ve got to go back to LA.” “Well, I’ll see you Monday, right?” I was like, “Why?” “Well, you work here. So I’ll see you Monday, right?” [huge cheer] I couldn’t believe it. I was like, “Oscar speech, go. Say what you got to say.” What I wanted to say was, “Jon, this is one of the only things that I’ve gotten in my entire career that my dad actually knows.” [laughter] “So thank you.” But what I said was, “Jon! My dad… knows you!” He’s like, “Yeah, I’m sure he does.” I pinch myself. “You’re Hasan Minhaj. You’re going to be on The Daily Show.” I run outside. I call my girl. She’s crying. I call my mom, she’s crying. I call my dad, he says “Good job.” “What? ‘Good job’? Say it again. I can’t hear you, Dad. Say it.” A car almost hits me. I’m, like, “No! I can’t die. I’ve got to drop the greatest status update.” I run upstairs, open my laptop, fire up Facebook, and then I see this. [audience gasps, moans] [quiet laughter] You guys see this, right? [laughter] Don’t you know what this means? Don’t you get it? I’m the cure for racism. [laughter, applause] I cured it. Alright, maybe I didn’t cure it, but everyone has a purpose. Some people were put here to find a cure for cancer, or find a vaccine for Ebola. My life is definitive proof that once you go br0wn, you’ve got to lock that shit down. [huge cheer, applause] Thank you. Thank you. Good night. Be well. God bless. I love you guys. I love you guys. Good night. I love you. [whistling, whooping] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jen-kirkman-just-keep-livin-2017-full-transcript/ | JEN KIRKMAN: JUST KEEP LIVIN’? (2017) – Full Transcript | jen kirkman | Hello. I should use a microphone, really. Hi. Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That was the perfect amount of applause. I didn’t have to stand here too awkwardly long. Thank you for coming. I am Jen. If you didn’t know, maybe you wandered in, now you’re having a fun time with me. Um… It has been brought to my attention by doctors, some codependent yoga teachers, and everyone who’s ever met me that I am high strung. And… it’s been suggested… that therapy isn’t enough, that I need to meditate. And so, now, I am one of these people who meditates. And by “I meditate,” I mean, “I do not ever meditate.” But… I have a meditation playlist, some gongs going, “gong, gong.” I’ve got apps, I think about meditation. I have a meditation chair in my living room. You have one, too. It’s just a fucking chair. But… I put a candle next to it and I call it my meditation chair, yeah. And when you come over, I point out to you, “Oh, don’t mind that, that just, um… That’s my meditation chair, yeah. No, every morning I get up and I think about doing it and I don’t. I get up and I… sit in it and take a few deep breaths. Don’t be intimidated, you can sit in it if you want. Yeah, it’s not… Not everyone’s on the same spiritual plane, but we don’t have any rules in this… happy home with the chair and the… Don’t worry about why the candle has never been lit, just…” But this one day, I did meditate because I had an important thing to do. I wanted to get a job. I wanted to write and I wanted someone to pay me for it. I wanted to have an interview and I wanted to get it. So, that being said, there were a little nerves in the morning. I thought maybe I’ll try this meditation thing that everyone is talking about. And I did about five minutes of meditation. And if you’re not impressed with that, then you’ve never meditated. Because after five seconds, you’re like, “Why did the Lord stop time?” Five minutes is a long time to clear your mind of things and I did it. And I woke up and came out of it and I was like: “Oh, I get what everyone’s talking about. I feel… so… Like, I could handle anything. If I didn’t have to leave the house today, I could really handle anything.” But I did have to leave the house. And so, I got in my car and I’m driving in the Los Angeles 9 a.m. traffic. When I saw the green light, I was like, “Green’s pretty.” And I was trying to figure out what green meant, like, on a deeper level. And I’m like, “Green, what can that tell me?” And I didn’t realize in that moment, all I needed to know about green is it means fucking go. And so, I’m, “Green,” and I start to slow down. And the people behind me are starting to lose it because they are late for work. And so they’re just, “beep!” and they’re honking and their horns, and I’m like, “Oh, now it’s yellow. Oh, red. Oh, that was fun.” And I realized… I’m stopped at the red light, which is normal, but I really stopped at the green light. And then I realized, “Oh, my God, I… I screwed these people.” That could’ve made the difference between them being early and being late. Guy behind is pissed like: I see him in my rear-view mirror. And I just… I feel so calm, though, because I meditated. Yeah, so… I just turned and give him a wave that just says like, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you think you’re late for work, but… you don’t know what I know. There is no time, so, yeah.” I’m even embarrassed to say that I heard his horn. That’s not very meditation of me. What is a sound, right? That’s… That’s just the meaning I placed on it, right? I could’ve heard anything. I could’ve heard butterflies eating candy. So… I’m driving, feeling really good about myself, and just, like… Just so much better than everyone else that’s so mad. And that’s what meditation’s for, is to feel superior to others. So… I turned the corner and we go to the next stoplight… and I pull up to it and so does the guy behind me that was all pissed. And I’ve got the sunroof open, the windows down. I’m just happy as can be. Again, did I mention I had meditated that morning? And the guy next to me, typical what you think of Los Angeles if you’ve never been. Producer-looking guy, kind of chomping on his cigar, bald, kind of chubby, in his red BMW, probably 50, two divorces. And he’s sitting there and he is pissed at me. And he’s in his car… and he just looks over and goes, “Hey, dumbass, what were you doing at that light?” And I’m just sitting in my car like: “I meditated today. Can’t get angry. What would it be like to kill him? Don’t think about that.” So, he yells again, “Hey, dumbass, what were you doing at that light? Texting your boyfriend?” That one got me. Because I didn’t have a boyfriend and I was not happy about it. Then I got pissed. I’m like, “He thinks I’m texting my boyfriend? That’s what he thinks when a woman makes a mistake in traffic? It’s always about a man. Anytime you see a five-car pile up, it’s like, ‘Are you coming home for dinner or not?'” You know? So, I was like, “This guy is not gonna bully me. Fuck this. I don’t care about meditation. Everybody gets angry. I’m not a goddamn saint.” Not that they meditate, but whatever they do. And so, I put the car in park and I stood up in my seat and I put my head out of the sunroof and then I went into the passenger seat. And I leaned over and I went, “What the fuck did you just say to me?” For those at home watching, this isn’t being taped in New York City. He said, “I said, what were you doing at that light, dumbass?” Now, I didn’t wanna tell him, “I meditated today and I got loopy at the green light.” I didn’t want to tell him that because he was mean to me and I wanted to win. I wanted to say something that would make him feel so bad about what he did that he’d be like, “Oh, my God, I have to think before I speak and put myself in other people’s shoes. You never know what someone’s going through.” Right? So, I said to him something that’s true, meaning, I actually said it. The content is not true. I said, “What was I doing? I was thinking. I just found out that my mother died this morning.” I didn’t say I was a good person, I just said I meditated. He goes, “You’re still a dumbass.” And I was like: “What kind of person says that to someone whose mother just died?” She didn’t, he doesn’t know. He is a bad person. I am the winner in this story still. And then I just lost it. And I went, “Oh, go fuck your car.” I don’t know what that means either, but I just… I had to keep going, like I knew what I was talking about. Like, “Yeah, stick your dick in the tailpipe, buddy. I know who you are. What are you, a producer? Divorced? You had two wives and left both of them for your assistant. And what, you…? You tell young girls you’re gonna put them in movies? You don’t have any movies to put them in. You’re a loser.” And the light turned green and he… The light turned green and he drove off. That’s what you do at green lights, you drive away. So, as he drives off, he screams, “You’re crazy.” And I was like: And I screamed out of the… Out of the passenger seat sunroof: “I’m not crazy. I meditated today, motherfucker.” Thank you. Which is an ancient chant from the Buddha. So… But then I thought… My adrenaline’s going, I’m shaking. And I went, “Holy shit, all this happened and I meditated today. What if I hadn’t, you know?” And just a little lesson for you guys, do not call a woman crazy unless you wanna see a woman go fucking crazy, okay? Just don’t. Save yourselves. If you wanna see… If you wanna tell a woman she’s crazy, just call her calm. It’ll just throw us off and the whole thing’s dissipated. Just go, “Hey, you’re being really calm right now.” “Oh, thank you. A psychic told me I was calm once. Thanks. What were we fighting about? I didn’t even know.” So… I’m driving and I’m like: “Okay, just calm down. Adrenaline’s coming down.” I get to the next stoplight. This stoplight never changes. The guy is there again and I’m like, “Okay, don’t start anything, Jen. Stay in your lane and, literally, do not be or seem crazy.” So, I put on some music and I’m bopping around happy as can be. “Look at me, I’m not crazy at all. I wasn’t just screaming, ‘I meditated, motherfucker.’ I am fun and happy.” And he’s kind of looking at me and he yells into my car, “Hey… sorry about your mom.” And I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I forgot my mom died.” And so, you know… I suddenly get real upset, I go: “Oh, I know, it’s been a tough morning. So much paperwork.” What? I don’t know… What is…? Why would there be paperwork so soon, an hour? If it’s real, she lives in Boston, I live in L.A., she died an hour ago, there’s paperwork, do I have a fax machine that’s like, “Someone died, come on,” you know? And so, he looks at me and goes, “Well, love, we got kind of heated, but I hope you have a good day whatever you’re doing.” And I’m like, “You, too, man.” And he drives off and I start sobbing. I’m like, “Oh, my God. So full of emotion, you know. I don’t know if it’s just my mom or just… I… It just kind of… You know, I’ve talked to two people this morning already and I would never do that, but that’s the meditation, it brings us together. It’s so powerful.” So, then I parked the car. I’m no longer crying, or passionate, or crazy, or condescending because I’m meditating. And I walk in into this meeting, introduce myself, we have a chitchat, they’re gonna pay me, I’m gonna do the job, I nailed it. I’m like, “I shouldn’t be allowed to do that. I should not be allowed to act normal ’cause I was acting like a maniac.” How come they don’t have to know what I was doing. You’re allowed into a building and be whatever you want even though you were screaming. I can’t believe we do that, but we do. I’m like, “But registered sex offenders don’t get to do that.” I feel like, I should… When I get crazy like that, I should be treated like a registered sex offender. Like, they have to go door-to-door. “I’m your neighbor. I have things in my past.” Like, I should have to go to a meeting, like, “Hello, I’m a nice person, but I just screamed, ‘I meditated today, ‘ in the middle of the road and…” But I got away with it. It’s like… If you’ve ever been going to a party and you’re in the car with your partner and just… You hate them and you’re like: “That outfit doesn’t match. What’s so funny is you talk about how much you love your mom and she used to put you in these outfits. She fucking sucked at teaching you how to dress. Oh, yeah, I am gonna start in on your mom. Oh, yeah, I am. Oh, yes, I am. Oh, no. No, don’t even… No, no, no. Know what? I wanna go to this party for five minutes and I don’t wanna look at you. They’re my friends, not yours.” Then you walk in, “Hey, I brought muffins,” and you’re like… You wanna stay all night. “Aren’t we having fun?” He’s in the corner and your friends are like: “Isn’t she great?” And he’s like, “She’s fucking great.” And you get back in the car and you forget about the fight from before and you’re like, “Weren’t those muffins great? I’m great.” And he’s just looking at you like, “Shut up. I know who you really are.” I know you can probably sense I’m a bit of a badass. Um… Not… I don’t mean because of that story, but you can tell I have a tattoo. I know you can. Um… I have… Not everyone gets one, you know. There’s badasses and the rest of you and, um… But I have a tattoo and I’m only gonna have one. I think the whole tattoo thing is a lot like kids. Like, first of all, some people want one, some people want none, some people want a bunch, like… And it’s all over their arms and it looks like a lot of work. But… But you go to a place, you lay down, there’s a lot of pain and you’re like: “God, I hope I love it. It is permanent.” So… So, I’m having a tattoo instead of a child. And… So, for me, I’m one of the one-and-doner types. So, you know that my tattoo has to be very meaningful, right? If… If you’ve ever thought about getting a tattoo, you think about it for a while. “I don’t wanna get something dumb. I have to have something that means something.” And I’ve been waiting my whole life to find something succinct that means something that I can put on my body permanently. I thought of something a couple of years ago and I was like: “Don’t do it, give it another year and if you’re still thinking about it, do it.” That’s what I did. And I was inspired by my friend who got a tattoo of her grandfather’s name on her wrist and his birthday because he has an amazing story, so… My… My friend’s grandfather survived the Holocaust because he was a Nazi. But… No, that’s… Okay. Sorry. That… That’s just a fun joke. That is not… I didn’t set you guys up, there really is a story about my friend. I just had to throw in because he was… My friend’s grandfather survived the Holocaust. And my friend, just like her father and her father’s father, and like many of us in this country, suffers from depression and anxiety. And the story he would tell was the survival story of his mind. When he was in the camps, he would say a prayer of gratitude to God and say, “I don’t… If this has to end this way, fine, but thank you for making me me and not one of the evil people. Thank you for putting love in my heart.” And that is mind-blowing. Of course you put that guy’s name on your wrist. The most beautiful story I’ve heard. And I don’t have anyone in my family like that. I… I come from a family of Catholic people from Boston and we don’t talk to God like that. We don’t like God. We are mad at God and we assume he’s mad at us. “Jennifer, why would you have gratitude for a bad thing that happened? That means God’s mad… Mad at you. He’s punishing you. Jennifer, why would you have gratitude for God being so mean to you? Maybe he’ll think you like it there and he’ll keep you in there. We’re not bothering God with all this gratitude unless something good happens. Nothing bad’s ever happened in our family, but it could and we’re gonna complain in advance and we’re gonna stay vigilant. So, no tattoos of anything our family said, please.” So, I had to go elsewhere. So, I’ll show you my… My tattoo… and then I’ll explain. Thank you. It’s on my ankle. It’s on my ankle. It says, “JKL,” which stands for JK living, which stands for just keep living, which is Matthew McConaughey’s catchphrase. Thank you. This tattoo could not be less ironic at all. I mean it with all my heart. Just keep living… inspires me. And I’m not suicidal. But I am a soul trapped in a body. I didn’t ask to be born and I’m afraid to die. And that’s the shit I live in every day. And so… Yeah. I love what you get excited about. “Yeah, that’s right. We’re trapped!” Before you judge, or if you think I’m just some shallow Hollywood person. No, no, no. There’s a story behind “just keep living.” Just like my friend had a story behind her tattoo of her grandfather. So, I’m at the nail salon and I’m having a bad day… but I don’t know why I’m having a bad day. I just don’t feel good. Physically, I feel fine. Mentally, not into it. So, I’m scrolling through People magazine and I see an article about Matthew McConaughey. Well, he had a tough day once, too. I’m not sure why you’re laughing. This is very serious. He was filming Dazed and Confused and he knew he was going to be a big star, but his father is dying, so, he was like: “Something good and something bad is happening at the same time. Well, I guess I better just keep living.” And then that became his catchphrase. And I see you’re not as moved to silence by it as you were the Holocaust story. And that’s fine. Different things for different people. The thing about this tattoo is it’s in an inconvenient place. If my friend is having a bad day, she can remind herself, “Not as bad as my grandfather had it,” by going like this. I have to be like: “I will board this plane in a minute, I’m having a bad day, and I need a reminder… Go… Go ahead. Go. Go ahead.” People say things about tattoos like, “You’re gonna regret it. It looks dumb.” I’m like, “It looks dumb now, I’m all set. Thank you.” I got the, uh… I actually got the tattoo on my birthday last year. Didn’t do anything fun for my birthday this year. Got a gift from mom. It wasn’t my only gift, but she handed me this piece of paper. Um… She does that now that she’s getting older. I don’t know if she’s made a will, but she seems to send me things and hand me things whenever I see her and it’s always a dramatic speech. “Jennifer, I had to give this to you because if I die how would you know I had it?” I go, “I’m gonna ransack the house. Yeah, I’ll get everything, don’t worry.” But she give me this thing and it is as old as I am. It is 42 years old. It is the piece of paper they gave her when she left the hospital with me when I was a little baby. I know, so cute. I was 7 and a half pounds when I was born. So thin. Now I am 42 years old and I’ve been over this before, you know, when we talk about complimenting women and men, too, of telling people they look young. It’s a scary thing. Do not do this to people, okay? Stop complimenting people by saying, “You don’t look your age.” Don’t do that. I don’t like when women in their 20s are like: “Oh, my God, I thought you were my age.” Not a compliment. I’ve been in my 20s. I don’t wanna look like I have four roommates and shitty towels. I don’t wanna look like that. So… Thank you. I’m the only one I know that loves being called “ma’am.” I love it. I… Whenever someone goes, “Your change, ma’am,” I’m like, “You noticed. Thank you. Yeah. I have had a really rich and storied life. Yeah. I, um… No, I’ve got time to tell you. I had a pager, sure, yeah. I… I was a cashier before scan technology, made change in my head. And I was around when Bruce Willis thought he should record an R&B album. So, yeah. Survivor, seen a lot. Thanks.” Anyways, my mom gives me this. This is all they gave you in the ’70s when you had a child, a living thing that you had to take care of. Not even 8-by-10. “Here you go. Bye.” This I found very strange. It says, “Friends and relatives, these people are interested in your baby.” Oh, thank you. “And they want to hold and hug him.” Oh, they didn’t have girls in the ’70s. “We must caution you to keep visitors away from your baby. The newborn baby is best kept as much to himself as possible.” Which is different than now. I go to my friends’ houses, they’re like: “Look at the baby, swaddle the baby, you can breastfeed the baby. It’s fine.” But in the ’70s, it’s just like, “Joyce, didn’t you have a baby?” “Yeah, three months ago.” “Where is he?” “He’s in the other room. We haven’t taken him out yet. You know, they say, the doctor says too much looking, and touching, and fussing, it… It can lead to a sense of well-being, so we don’t want that, we’re just gonna… Don’t look at him.” But… This is my favorite part, we might have to go over it twice if there’s any confusion. It explains crying. Why does a baby cry? Well, he’s too hot, he’s too hungry, he’s too thirsty. We got it. Here’s one. “If it is less than three hours from the feeding, check to make sure there are no pins sticking in him. And change him.” So, I’ll explain for anyone very young. Velcro, although invented in the ’40s, was something they didn’t put on diapers. I don’t know if they didn’t put it on diapers. We didn’t have Velcro diapers in the ’70s in my house. Whenever we didn’t have something, we were told it wasn’t invented yet. I’d be like, “Can we get a microwave?” My parents were like, “Not invented yet.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, I must be so genius. How did I know there was…?” But we… We did not have Velcro diapers. Back then, you’d wear a cloth diaper and then they’d put safety pins to keep it on. So, that’s fine. Make sure no pins are sticking in him. But why must you wait three hours? Can’t you…? Can’t you feed the baby, put him down in the other room where no friends or family can see him… If five minutes goes by, can you check and see if there’s no pins in him? If there aren’t, then go, “I guess he’s gonna cry for a while.” But, no, this says three hours. You could see a movie in three hours. But you don’t have a VCR back then. So, you have to go to a movie and you can come all the way back, and have 15 minutes left before you check on your kid. “Should we check on him?” “It says three hours. We don’t wanna be smothering.” “You’re right, we got 15. Make me a drink, then we’ll go in, I’m gonna…” So… I basically know that I was just thrown in another room with pins sticking in me growing up. Which is why I’m so comfortable being alone and I do acupuncture. But, um… I travel alone, I went to Italy by myself this year. And it invoked a lot of reactions from people. You would have thought I said, “I started a race riot this year.” People were like, “What? You did what?” People are very freaked out with being alone. Like, I love being alone. I think it’s great. People are like, “How do you do it?” How do I decide that I don’t like other people and make sure I’m not around them? Pretty easy. People are like: “I don’t even wanna go to the movies alone.” Why would you wanna go with another person? What can you do at the movies with another person besides jerk them off or something? There’s nothing to do at the movies. And I’m a grown woman. I don’t care if people think I’m a loser for being alone.
I was excited for this trip before people started putting a damper on it. My dad was saying, “Aren’t you afraid of ISIS? ISIS is everywhere. Be afraid of ISIS.” I was like, “Who… I’m a woman. I don’t have time to be afraid of ISIS. I’m just busy being afraid of plain old men. Are you kidding me?” You ever walked by a bar at 1 a.m. when dudes in baseball hats are getting out? Fuck ISIS. ISIS are adorable. ISIS have costumes and beards, look like bartenders. ISIS, they’re not… I’m not afraid of them at all.
So… I’m packing for my trip and I’m thinking like, “Where should I go?” Like, you know, I’m making list of, like, where I’m gonna see and what I’m gonna do. Then I Googled just at the last minute, ’cause I booked a trip to Venice. I just Googled, “What are the safest places in Italy where woman don’t get raped?” – Oh! – “Oh! Oh! She said rape.” Let me fucking tell you something. Rape exists, I’m gonna talk about it. That’s not a joke, that’s a fact. I looked that up because I didn’t wanna get raped. I’ll stop talking about rape when men stop raping. So, don’t give me your little outrage, “Ooh, oh, oh!” So… But it’s true, there are websites for this stuff. Well, it’s just Yelp. There should be… There should be “Relp” for like, “Where will I get raped? Help.” And so you go on that website. So… I felt very safe in Venice, and if anyone cares I came out of it unscathed, it was a very safe time. But people were saying to me: “Wouldn’t you rather wait and go with a man?” Not for safety, just it’s not fun to go, I guess, without a man. And I’m in a relationship and that’s what shocked people more. “Why isn’t he going?” ‘Cause I’m a comedian, I happen to be in Europe for some work anyway. I thought I’d just jaunt over to Italy for a couple days, and he has a job and so he can’t just do that. And they’re like, “He’s abusive.” I’m like, “No, no, he just… He just has a different job, and I have free time, and… It’d be a waste to not go to Italy, it’s just two hours away.” And they’re like, “He should be by your side for this.” I’m like, “It’s not chemo. I’m just going on a trip. I’m just going on a trip. It’s all good, they have food there, they have wine, they have people that talk, it’s just like here, it’s just like here.” But I don’t understand. Obviously, you wanna sometimes spend time with your partner. But traveling… Why risk the relationship? Why travel with a partner, right? I went to Paris once with my husband. Guess what, now he’s my ex-husband. It… You don’t have to travel with your partner. It’s the time that you see them 24 hours a day and everything they do, you’re like: “Why are you walking on the plane using your legs? God!” When you travel alone, you can eat with your hands. I don’t mean pizza. I was eating a salad. I would rub it on. It was great.
The only thing that sucked about my trip, and I hate to complain about such a privileged thing as to go to Italy by myself, is that I booked a walking tour ’cause I love that stuff. And I booked the ghost tours of Venice, which I thought was gonna be so fun. I was reading the website, people were leaving comments. “It was so fun, then a theater troupe jumped out at us and they tried to scare us and we saw sites where people got slaughtered back in the 1700s, we heard these crazy ghost stories and we saw secret canals and secret this and secret that.” And I was like, “I want that. I want all the secrets.” So, I signed up for it. And it was my last night in Venice. And so at the last minute, I checked my e-mail confirmation from the company. And I had accidentally booked a private tour. And I was like, “No. No.” Thank you for understanding. “I don’t wanna walk alone with someone for 90 minutes. That’s my worst nightmare.” And they make me meet him on the bridge, like some romance story. And he sees me and he goes, “Is it just you?” And I go, “Yeah.” And he goes, “Oh, this breaks my heart.” And he was doing this big thing. “I don’t wanna give you the ghost story tour. Oh, it’s too sad. You’re alone in Venice. Oh, no, no, no. We do the love story tour.” I go, “I wanna see where people got murdered. Tell me about dead babies. I wanna hear all kinds of crazy shit.” And he asked, “Where is the man?” I don’t know if he meant my boyfriend or “the man” that’s coming down on us. I’m like, “If I knew where ‘the man’ was, we’d all be free,” right? And so… I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was very concerned, I had to explain, “I’m in a…” You know, like all walking tours start this way, you explain. You’re in a relationship, very happy. You’re just taking sometime alone. Don’t worry. And then I got down on my knees and screamed: “Why, God, I miss him! I haven’t seen a penis in a week! Oh, God!” But then we started the tour. But when… The other problem… Not just being a woman with a man. When you’re anybody with anybody, when you’re alone on a walking tour, they can start taking advantage of you. So, he was like, “Miss, if you don’t mind, I don’t feel so much like walking tonight.” I’m like, “You picked the wrong job.” He’s like, “I’m a little tired. It’s been a hard day. I am sad and it’s hot. Could we stand here?” And so I said yes.
I stood under a bridge with a man while he told me stories that were not ghost stories for 90 minutes, okay? And I knew the inevitable was gonna happen. I knew it was gonna happen. He asked me… why I was in Italy. And I said, “For vacation.” He said, “But why alone?” I said, “All right, I was in London doing some work and I came here.” “What work do you do?” And I… I don’t wanna tell him I’m a comedian. You guys, you’re nice to comedians when we’re on stage, but in real life, people say awful things to us. They find we’re comedians they’re like, “You don’t seem funny.” “I’m getting my fucking colon removed, that’s why.” So… I always have a lie whenever I check-in to a hotel, get into an Uber. “What brings you to town?” Shuts them up. “My friend’s having an abortion. I had to come right in. And it’s a guy so it’s a weird procedure, so just please leave me alone. I don’t wanna…” So, I just tell him I’m a comedian and then he goes: “Madam, this is not a provocation… but your life does not seem interesting enough that you have to go around the world and tell it.” And he’s right, isn’t he? And that was how the tour ended is he said “not a provocation” and then gave me a big old provocation. And then he did one nice thing. I was trying to look at the positive, I’m a meditator. Is he took me to an Italian restaurant. Obviously, I was in Italy. He took me to a restaurant, I don’t have to say Italian restaurant. “Is this here an Italian restaurant or what?” So, he took me… He took me to a restaurant. He didn’t sit with me, he just brought me there. And I was actually very grateful because it was on the Grand Canal and if you’ve ever been to anywhere, you sometimes don’t know what’s the authentic restaurant and what is the cheesy tourist place. And so, I said, “I never would’ve picked this place. I had no idea by looking at the restaurants on the Grand Canal what was authentic and what wasn’t, so, thank you for bringing me here.” Now he’s standing over my table, waiter is bringing the wine, things are starting to happen and he says, “May I tell you one more story, then?” I go, “Okay.” He hadn’t told me a ghost story yet, so I was like, “Maybe this is it.” He goes, “You remind me, there’s a story about perception. You bring up you don’t know what restaurant is good based on looks. Isn’t that life? You don’t know a man or a person, just based on looking at them, what’s in their soul. Maybe there’s a man and he’s fun and he walks and he tells the stories. But then maybe he goes home and he kills himself.” “Is that it?” He goes, “Yes.” I go, “Okay, well, have a good night. Thanks for the tour.” What…? “Just keep living.” I was annoyed because he never told the horror story. He only told me the love story. I was like, “Oh, that’s so… I don’t… Not everyone’s meant for this world. Whatever he wants, I don’t care.” But I thought, maybe I should complain. Like, I don’t wanna get him fired, but I wanna complain and get my money back and then just have the manager just tell everyone, “Hey, you know, we can’t mess around with the tours. Give people what they want.” So, maybe, what if I call the manager right now? What if she was like, “Sergio? He did not meet you on the bridge at 7.” I’d be like, “He did.” She’d be like, “Oh, no, ma’am, at 6:30 he killed himself.” I’d be like, “Oh, my God, that was the greatest ghost tour ever!” Yes. Now you like a suicide joke when it has a little punch to it, right? So, you know, I’m a hypochondriac, but not… I don’t invent things. It’s just that when something happens, I think it’s worse than it is, right? I had an incident with my doctor six months ago… where she told me I couldn’t come back for a year even if I really was dying. Because I had such a hypochondriacal episode… and made an ass of myself. Now, I wanna tell you the story, but it’s gonna be filmed… and now a cliché is gonna be stuck on me. Because the story also involves my period. And people have a problem when women talk about their periods. “People.” Men. So… the common wisdom that people say is women aren’t funny. Okay, great. I can’t do anything about that. If you don’t think I’m funny, check out other women, right? “Women” is not a type of comedy. “Women” is a type of person. I think women are people, I’m not sure. Anyway, but… Let’s take apart why it’s so difficult to talk about a period. I think sometimes people just don’t know what a period is. And so, a man doesn’t wanna hear about it because he’s like: “I feel stupid. I don’t know what it is.” And no problem. They didn’t explain it to us either. I turned 11, mother said, “You’re gonna get your period.” “What’s that?” “A thing you’re gonna get.” “When?” “Anytime between now and the next seven years.” “Oh, God.” And then you’re just walking to school like, “Gonna get my period. What’s my period? Comes out of here. Do I have it? Can anyone see?” And so, it’s… It’s… Here’s what a period is. Let’s start with education and get to the fun story about hypochondria and my period, right? Here we go. In case anyone doesn’t know what a period is, every month a woman sheds the interior of her uterine lining because she’s not pregnant, because she’s a dirty, dirty whore… who didn’t do the one thing God put her on earth to do, which is make a baby. And that’s her three- to-five-day punishment. So… that’s what a period is. Now… I think men can handle that fact, right? And I’m not making fun of men. I mean, I… The thing… Men aren’t ever mean to us about our periods when we talk about them. They’re never mean to us. They just don’t wanna hear it. And I understand that because the world caters to you and you don’t have to hear about anything that you don’t know about. And that must be really scary when you have to, so, we must… We must be kind to men. I don’t like the old hacky thing of, “If men had their periods, they’d be like, ‘Yeah, blood everywhere. Gonna name a bar after it. Yeah… ‘” You know. Maybe that’d be true, maybe it wouldn’t. But I don’t know if it’d be true because if men were the ones getting their periods, then women would be the ones not getting their periods. And so, it would be unequal. And I know what I’m like when I don’t understand things in a man’s body. Know what I mean? Like, “Why do you have balls?” “‘Cause I have them.” “Get rid of it.” Like, I’m not necessarily nice. And so, I wonder what I would be like if I had a boyfriend who got his period because men get the periods and I’ve never had one. If I’m at dinner… and my boyfriend comes out of the bathroom and he’s like: “Uh, Jen… we gotta go.” “Jonathan, we didn’t order an appetizer yet.” “Jen, I just got my period a day early and I’m wearing white pants. We gotta go. We gotta go.” “Uh, what do you mean you got your period a day early? Doesn’t it come on the same day every month? “” No, it’s a hormonal thing, it’s irregular. I can’t control it.” “Oh, I can’t control my body. Oh, it’s hormones made me do it. Come on, you can control it.” “Jen, I can’t.” “They have tampons in the bathroom?” “No, they’re out and I… So, we gotta go.” “You have a tampon in your purse, Jonathan?” “No, I forgot.” “Jonathan, how many times have I told you be a fucking man and keep a tampon in your purse in case… you get your period early. And why wear white pants anywhere near the week of your expected period? God, what…? How long have you been getting this, 20 years now? Why can’t you do this, Jonathan? You can leave. I’m eating here. We’ve had this reservation for two weeks. Leave, I’m staying. Go. Tie your jacket around your waist, Jonathan. Everyone can see your period.” Then I call my friend, “I’m at a restaurant alone. Yeah. But Jonathan got his period. No, of course he didn’t. He didn’t know it was coming, no. He never knows. Oh, like Jonathan had a tampon. Are you crazy? We’re talking about Jonathan. He’s the… I don’t know if I can be with him ’cause if he can’t plan for himself, then, like, how can he plan for me, you know?” So, that might be what women are like if men got their periods. Here’s what happened to me. Now, my period comes on the same day every month. Never been early, never been late. I don’t get cramps. Thank you. So… One morning… when I was 41 and a half years old and really feeling it… just thinking about it, God… almost 50. I mean, not really, but… closer than I was when I was 13. Right? I woke up in the morning and I went to the ladies’ room. There’s not a ladies’ room in my house. It’s not like ladies, men, wheelchair, you know, it’s… I went… I was going pee. And I looked at my underwear and there were some fresh drops of blood. Now, again… it was two weeks from when I was supposed to get my period. And this was not uterine lining-looking blood. This was prick-your-finger fresh blood. It actually looked like the blood… that my roommate’s cat had years and years ago. When I was just a young thing with a roommate in Brooklyn and she had a dying cat. And the cat dragged its body across the floor as little drops of blood came out because the cat’s kidneys were failing. That’s right. And my roommate had to put the cat in a cage and the cat got put down that day, the same day that the blood drops appeared in the morning. And I looked at myself and I went, “Today is the day I will be put down. I don’t have a human-sized cage and I live alone. I knew if I didn’t start a family this would happen, but I’ll have to put myself down. I will call the vet and I will make an appointment.” Because I knew that’s internal bleeding. My kidneys are failing. I have internal bleeding. But before I freaked out, I checked my vagina for glass. And so I just wanted to make sure… Because I take sleeping pills sometimes, you can sleepwalk on those. I wanted to make sure that in the middle of the night I didn’t start sleepwalking, then get into a bar fight, break a bottle, and then put it in me and you go, “Come at me!” So… I called friends, I’m like, “Did I get in a bar fight with my vagina?” They’re like, “I don’t think so.” I was like, “Thanks. The bad news is then I must be put down today. It’s internal bleeding. I’m gonna call my doctor.” So, I called. I said, “I have to come in. I have internal bleeding.” I get there, she puts me in the stirrups, which is stupid. I’m like, “This isn’t a period thing. Do an x-ray. I have internal bleeding. My kidneys are failing. Rapidly. Come on.” She looks up and goes, “Jen, this is your period.” I go, “No, it isn’t.” And she goes, “Yes, it is.” “It’s not supposed to be here for two weeks.” She goes, “Two weeks early.” I go, “Well, I want a second opinion.” She goes, “What do you want a second opinion about?” I said, “I still think this is internal bleeding.” And she said, “It’s not.” And I said, “How do you know?” And she said, “Because you’re seeing the blood externally.” “Oh, that’s such a fucking amazing point. I never thought about that. That’s why people die from internal bleeding, because they don’t see the blood. Okay, I got it. Good. All right. I am stupid.” She looked at me and went, “Are you okay?” And I went, “I don’t think so. No, I don’t…” And like a child being handed a toothbrush by a dentist, she just handed me a tampon and was like, “Get out of here.” And, um… Now, the worst part is, I have a subscription for tampons on Amazon. And I keep forgetting to cancel it, and so every month, I get so many tampons. And I have a closet filled with them. They will outlive me. I will not… I will be in menopause before them. I’ll be dead. I will one day be in a chair, no blood left in my body, like: “I haven’t even seen blood on a tooth, let alone this.” I have no kids, I have no one to give them to. I’m the weird lady at Halloween every year where it’s like, “Trick or treat.” And I’m like, “You’ll be a woman someday. Yes, take this.” Even you, little boy, you never know. Take it, take it. Take it, everybody.” It’s amazing what we don’t know about our bodies, we don’t think about things. Like, I was taught nothing about my body growing up. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was basically almost 22 years old, which I have a lot of shame about. I think it’s kind of old, kind of dorky. And even the person I lost my virginity to does not know that he took it, ’cause I had to lie that I lost it at age 16 under a creeping willow tree. You get real detailed when you lied about stuff, right? I lost my virginity at age 21, but, like, almost 22, like, 21 and 11 months. And it wasn’t ’cause I was a prude. I wanted to lose my virginity. It had always been my life’s goal ever since I was a little girl. Just grow up someday and lose my virginity. And the thing that stopped me… It was a Catholic thing. Well, first of all, I didn’t really understand even what sex was, right? I mean, I had sex education, as we all did. They didn’t, like, teach you how to fuck, it was just like… They never said anything about, like, making love and sensuality, and… There’s never gay people involved. It was just a man lays next to a woman, they get pregnant. I was like, “Why would anyone do that?” And so… Single bed for life, right? And so… All we had in sex education for the girls, we had a big poster of fallopian tubes. And I was like, “Those are inside of me?” They looked giant, like, “Why aren’t they coming out my mouth?” It was just like… And there was just a vagina right there with an egg right here. Looked like a ball in a catcher’s mitt. It looked like the egg is always there, like, “Let’s play ball. Impregnate me. Come on, we’ll go around the bases.” And then for the boys, they just had a poster of sperm. And they taught us in one little drop of semen there’s billions and billions of sperm. I was like, “Okay.” That’s all I remembered. As I got to be a teenager, my mother was like: “Never have sex, you’ll get pregnant every time.” And I was like, but I think she’s right ’cause I thought back to those two signs, the egg waiting and ready and then billions and billions of sperm. What are the odds? A billion to one. You’re going to have a baby, right? I was like, “How come women just have one? How come they’re aren’t like:” Like, why aren’t babies just, like, spilling out of everybody? Like, there’s billions and billions of sperm and one egg. So, I didn’t wanna… I didn’t wanna, you know, lose my virginity so fast. It was the Catholic Church’s fault. Like, now, I’m cool with Jesus. I knew Jesus didn’t mind if I had sex ’cause Jesus loved whores, right? It’s in the Bible. He hung out with prostitutes, they were his favorite people. When he was fed up with the apostles, “Where are my prostitutes?” “We’re here.” He’d be like, “We’re not gonna write about you in the Bible.” And then he was friends with them. So, I knew that once I had sex, I would just confess to Jesus, “I had sex.” He’d be like, “I love that.” I’d be like, “Just telling you.” And so that would be fine. What I was afraid of was getting pregnant. Obviously, I didn’t want to be a teenage mother or a mother period. I knew if I got pregnant, I would have to have an abortion and I was very afraid of abortion because of church. Not ’cause of Jesus, but because of the priest at church. Every single sermon the priest at my church did were about abortion. Even though it was not in the Bible that day, you know. They would be like, “Merry Christmas, everybody. And we are here ’cause Mary had a baby. She kept it even though she didn’t know who the fuck gave it to her. And we will celebrate Mary. She didn’t have an abortion like you girls who go to the clubs and use it as birth control. Then if you had an abortion, you go to hell. If you know someone that’s had an abortion, you go to hell. Guys, don’t worry. We’ll high-five you. You got a woman pregnant. But the women are going to hell.” And I was like, “I don’t wanna go to hell.” I decided I’m never gonna get pregnant and the easiest way to do that is to never have sex. And I really didn’t understand what an abortion was. I didn’t know it was a safe medical procedure that prevents a pregnancy from becoming a pregnancy. I thought you carried a baby to full term and then in a doctor’s office, they, like, shot it in the head. You know, I was like, “I’m not doing that.” I’m not judging, but I’m not doing that. So, instead of sex… Instead of sex, I was the girl who loved being fingered. I loved fingering. Loved? I still love it. I love fingering. I am bringing back fingering. It’s amazing. Do it to everybody. It’s not just for… It’s not just for kids. It’s like sugar cereal. Adults can enjoy it, too. It’s wonderful. You’re going right to the source. Greatest feeling on Earth. And so… I had a lovely boyfriend who used to finger me. And the first time I ever got fingered… Oh, my God. I mean, I touched myself before, but when you get to go hands free, it’s like, “Whee!” It’s so exciting. And the feeling was so powerful that after I got fingered, every moment after that that I wasn’t getting fingered, I was in a deep, dark depression. That’s why when you see Goth girls walking around, they’re not trying to get attention, they’re upset. They got fingered once and haven’t been fingered since. They’re like, “It’s so dark. Everything is horrible. I don’t feel anything.” So, anyway… My boyfriend usually went first on me ’cause he was a good guy. But this one time I wanted to return the favor. And so I took my two dry hands, and I rubbed his penis up and down like you do, and it almost caught on fire. And… So, like a skilled firefighter, he grabbed it like a hose and was like, “I got this,” you know. And he came on his hand like a young man of 17 does, wiped it on his T-shirt in the basement and then he kindly went in to return the favor. All I saw on that finger… I couldn’t see it, but I knew it was there. Billions and billions of sperm. I didn’t wanna be like: “Can you wash your hands? I’m not ready to become a mother.” ‘Cause that’s dorky, right? Then I was like, “You can’t get pregnant from fingering. They would’ve told us. They would’ve told us that in school. Unless they don’t know what this is, and we just invented it.” I was like, “I need that good feeling,” so I let it happen. No consequences. I didn’t care. I woke up in the middle of the night and put my hand on my stomach and I felt a heartbeat and I was like: “Oh, my God. I’m a mother.” I was so dumb. I didn’t know that you could feel a pulse anywhere else but your wrist. That was the first time I had noticed a pulse anywhere else in my body. And I thought I’d grown a baby in four hours. I was like, “Whoo! That happens fast. No wonder this abortion is such a hot topic. There is a living, breathing person in there.” Well, I couldn’t tell my mom. She’d kill me. I didn’t have the Internet back then, not just ’cause my mom wouldn’t let me, it wasn’t invented yet, okay? So, all I had was a typewriter, and you can’t ask your typewriter: “Can I get fingered, and then get pregnant from that?” ‘Cause your typewriter just has a piece of paper looking back at you, like: “I don’t know if you can get pregnant. I’m a typewriter.” So, you’re just stuck. It’s a standstill, right? So, I had to go… to the library. And I couldn’t ask the librarian because she was a friend of my mom. I couldn’t be like, “I got finger-blasted. What do you think, baby or no?” So, I had to take a walk to the card catalog. Which if you’re younger and you don’t know, it’s what we had before the Internet at the library. It’s a catalog filled with cards. And in it are cards that have the name of every book in the library. Now, as years go by and more information is out there, they keep jamming more cards in the catalog. They don’t get extra catalogs, no, no. Just shove it in the one. You put your finger in and take a risk. You might not get your finger back. Like, “Aah!” And so I had to look for books about pregnancy. Now, again, the card catalog is not in alphabetical order. No, no, no. It is in something called the Dewey Decimal System, which is a complicated series of numbers that librarians have to go to college to learn. But they throw it in the lobby at us, like, “You’ll figure it out.” And so… I find books on pregnancy and, you know, of course, it doesn’t just say pregnancy and then aisle P. No, I have to memorize, like, 12 numbers. And so, back then we used to be smart. We could memorize 12 numbers. We didn’t have to take a picture or anything. And so… Then I walked all the way back… to the shelves. I didn’t give an example of the 12-number thing ’cause I’m too stupid now. There was no book What to Expect If You’re Expecting ‘Cause You’ve Been Fingered, so I was like, “Argh!” So, I just didn’t do anything. If I had been pregnant, it would’ve been like those TV shows where I just have it in a toilet. But nine months later, when no baby came, I was like, “I must have miscarried. So tragic, but so right for me, you know.” So, then I found out. I found out all the facts. The egg’s not sitting there, it only comes once in a while. And if you use condoms it’s 99.9 percent effective. I was like, “I gotta lose my virginity then.” But my boyfriend and I had broken up and I was about to go to college, I was like, “How am I gonna lose my virginity now? I don’t know anyone at college yet. What, am I gonna walk in and go to a guy and go, “Wanna have sex?” They have to be in love before they do that. I didn’t know anything. And then I thought, “Wait, how am I gonna get a guy to be interested in me unless he thinks I’m experienced? No guy wants to sleep with a virgin.” I didn’t know that either. So, I spread a rumor about myself. I told everyone that at age 18, entering college in 1992, that I had already fucked ten guys. That’s a lot, ten guys. I mean, not now, but then. That was a lot. Ten guys at 18 was a lot. Some people don’t have ten people in their town. Ten guys. And 1992 was an innocent, innocent time. Beverly Hills, 90210, Brenda and Dylan, they waited a year to lose their virginity to each other. Dylan was an alcoholic who lived by himself. He was a virgin. It was an innocent time. So, no guys wanted to have sex with me because they thought I had an STD because I’d fucked ten guys. And so, I went year after year after year not getting laid until I met someone who transferred into my college my senior year and he hadn’t heard the rumors and I didn’t tell him. We had sex, it was fun, it was fine. I don’t remember every detail ’cause it was long ago, but it was lovely. And I walked home that day, just, you know, listening to my Discman, listening to Madonna, you know, Bedtime Stories album. I’m like, “I get it. I’m sexual, too, Madge.” And, um… But something stopped me dead as I was walking and I was like, “Wait a minute, my hymen didn’t break.” That’s another thing they teach us girls. We have a hymen. It’s a piece of skin that’s somewhere in our vagina and a penis pokes it and we bleed and get sheets dirty and we suck, fuck you, you’re dumped. So, now… my hymen didn’t break and I was like, “Uh-oh. I hope my hymen didn’t get pushed up into my body and now it’s strangling, you know, my internal organs.” I don’t even know what a hymen is. How strong is it? How does it work? And I was like, “I gotta go to a doctor.” And so, I went to the school nurse, but I didn’t wanna act like I just lost my virginity, so, I tried to play it all “cas.” I walked in, I was like, “Hey, quick question. Um… When I lost my virginity, whenever that was… uh… my hymen didn’t break. What’s up with that?” She was like, “That’s an old wive’s tale. It’s fine. If you’ve used a tampon or ridden a horse or took a dance class it can stretch, it can break.” I go: “Okay, it can’t get shoved up and start strangling your organs?” “No, it’s a tissue.” “Can it get wadded up and…?” “No, not a tissue. Like, it’s a…” I go, “Oh, okay, okay.” She looks at my chart like, “About to turn 22.” She goes: “So, you didn’t just lose your virginity, did you?” “No, I fucked like ten guys.” And that’s when I got my first STD test. So… So, I’m in a relationship, and I don’t have jokes about it because it’s a nice story. I’m with someone that I love a lot, we’ve known each other for a long time… And look at you get quiet. No one likes nice things, I understand. But there was a time in my life when I was what I call “single” single, when I was like, “God, like, no one seems to like me.” I wasn’t getting picked and I didn’t like how it felt. And I read a self-help book that was like, take yourself on a self date. And so, I did that. And I would sit at bars and… guys would come up and go, “Can I sit here?” I go, “No. I’m also sitting there, please stop. I’m on a… I’m on a date with myself, so, would you please?” I started saying bullshit things, you know, after reading these books, like, “You know what? Gonna take some time. Can’t love someone till you love yourself, you know?” What bullshit. You can love someone when you don’t love yourself. What a fun distraction, right? So… But my friend did this. She decided to have a party. She called it Facebook in Real Life. And she invited a bunch of people… Really good idea. She invited people that sort of know each other. You could vouch for someone if you don’t know them well. So, you could be like, “Oh, hey, John’s fun. He’s a murderer, though. Don’t go home with him, but fun at parties. Okay.” They’re like, “Oh, cool.” I met this guy, really nice guy. He was age appropriate, we got each other’s numbers, started texting. We liked the same things, talked about the same stuff. He didn’t send a dick pic, nothing inappropriate. I felt respected and then, you know, after a couple of weeks, he asked me to go have wine with him. I was like, “We’re going on date.” We’re sitting there and drinking and talking. I’m not getting a vibe he wants to sleep with me, but I’m like, “I’ll loosen him up a little.” Waitress comes and she’s like, “Want a third?” We do that dance you do when you, “I don’t normally drink more than two. Do you? I don’t. I could if you… I… You will? I’ll have one, yeah. We’re gonna fuck. Yeah, we’re gonna fuck. Bring a third.” So, she brings the third. As I’m taking a sip, he’s like, “Anyway, my girlfriend…” I’m like, “Pfft! Your fucking what? What kind of shit is this?” I don’t say that, but… No, I act interested. I’m like, “Tell me about your girlfriend?” And… Nothing wrong hanging out with a woman if you have girlfriend. Absolutely nothing. I have tons of male friends. But that’s it, the door is shut. Thank you, I have male friends. I don’t need any more. I don’t need any more. I have plenty, right? I didn’t understand what his angle was. I said, “Does your girlfriend get upset that you go out with women?” He goes, “Oh, no, she knows I love women. I’m a male feminist.” I go, “‘I’m a male feminist.’ Thanks so much for being on our side, male fucking…” If I wanna fucking drink wine with a feminist, I’ll stay home by myself and I might even get laid. I… And my fingers do not have billions and billions of sperm. I started to figure it out, like, “I see how life is different. I see how it’s different.” Back in the day, men would marry the woman that cooks and cleans and has the babies and he starts to look at her more like a mother. So, he needs to get sex on the side. Now, men are smart. They live with the sex and they want the brains on the side. Well, me and all the other women are not gonna be your mind whores, dude, all right? You’re not gonna finger her then come out, have a drink with me and talk about documentaries until midnight, you pig! Thank you. So… we’re not friends anymore, but I really… I know it sounds like I hate men. I really don’t. I love men and I look at them the way I look at children, which is like, “Oh, my God, for people who don’t know what you’re doing, you have so much energy about it, you know.” But… the… The one… The one area that is really cool, I like that people say they’re feminist, and it’s like, you know, white people can say they identify for Black Lives Matter, and men can say they’re feminist. It’s really cool. There’s one area, though that I don’t know why we can’t nip this, it would be so quick and easy to do, is street harassment. It is still a thing that we are shouting at some men to understand, you know, that it is a really serious scary thing. And I feel like if you’re going to yell out of your car at a woman, commit to it. Get an old-timey car with a horn that’s like, “Aooga!” It’s so stupid. So, you know, mo… All of my guy friends are not idiots, they do not act this way, but I found out one of my friends who I respect does this. I’m like, “You street harass?” “It’s not harassment, it’s a compliment.” And I go, “What kind of things do you do?” “I’ve yelled, ‘Nice tits.'” “You yell ‘Nice tits’ at a woman?” He goes, “Her tits were nice.” “I understand the inspiration behind that, I’m just… You can’t do that to us. It’s… It’s… It’s scary.” He goes, “What’s scary about ‘Nice tits’?” I go, “Well…” He goes, “It’s a compliment.” I go, “I get it. Let me take this apart. I get on its face that ‘nice tits, ‘ dictionary, technically a compliment, yes. But we don’t know, if we don’t respond the way that you want us to respond, or if we don’t respond at all, ‘nice tits’ can be followed up with, ‘Fuck you, bitch, ‘ and then we get scared.” And my friend goes, “Oh, I got it. What if I just yell ‘nice tits’ but don’t yell ‘fuck you, bitch’ after?” I’m like, “No, but we don’t… We don’t know. We don’t know. ‘Nice tits… ‘” Compliments and murder both start with compliments. So, we don’t know. We don’t know. We don’t know when someone says “nice tits” if it’s just, beep, beep, “Nice tits, bye,” and they drive off, or if it’s gonna be like, “Nice tits” stop the car and like, ‘”Nice tits. So nice. Gonna chop them up, put them in a blender. Then I’m gonna put them in a freezer and make tits pops. Tits, tits, tits.'” We don’t know. So, my friend goes, “What should I say?” I go, “Just say nothing. Say no words. Say no words.” He goes, “That’s my free speech. That’s free speech. You can’t do that.” I go, “It’s not… Whatever free speech means. But, okay, fine, free speech. I didn’t say you couldn’t say ‘nice tits, ‘ I said, please don’t yell it to us. So, maybe if you’re driving by a woman who has nice tits, you roll up your window and smash your face against the glass and just go, ‘Nice tits.’ You could do that. Or see a woman with nice tits and call a friend and go, ‘Nice tits, nice tits, I see nice tits. Okay. Nice tits.’ Or if you have the time, veer off the road, go into a field, get on your knees and let God know. ‘Nice tits!'” My friend and I could not come to any agreement on this. And so, I was like, “Maybe he’s right.” If we just yell, “No, no, no,” guys just hear their mothers: So, we can’t just say, “Don’t say this, don’t…” Maybe there’s a middle ground. Maybe there’s something you can say. I don’t know what it is. But I had an experience recently that gave me kind of an idea. So, I was in North Carolina and I was walking by myself. And I was on the side of the road and it was dusk. And a white guy in a truck… drove by. And then he stopped… and he pulled back… and he just stared at me out the window. And I was like, “Oh, fuck.” Because if you’re a woman or not white or gay and you’re walking alone in the South and a white guy in a truck pulls up, you know in 20 minutes there’s gonna be candles and flowers right where you were standing, right? That’s… Yeah. Guy rolls down his window and goes, “Excuse me, ma’am. You mind if I say something real creepy to you?” And like an idiot, I walk up to the truck. “Okay.” And then I get mad and I think of… I take a minute and think of all the women from real… Real severe street harassment, acid in the face to just little infractions like “nice tits,” and I’m like, “No. No, you cannot say something creepy.” I go, “No, you cannot and fuck you.” I start walking away proud of myself and realize, “I look crazy.” That’s what happens, is if you’re talking to a girl in a bar and it’s going well and after a minute she’s just like, “Fuck you!” “What did I do?” “Nothing.” But we’re taught to be polite and so, we’re holding it in. All we have to say is, “I don’t feel like talking.” But we talk and we’re like, “Eat shit!” And you’re very confused. And so… We have to get better at that. And so, anyway… he goes, “Ma’am, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry. I…” I just wanted to say I love your boots. That’s it, I love your boots. I was wearing big, black platform boots, he goes: “I’m a married man. I’m not trying to pick you up. I’ve never noticed fashion in my life. Well, I have one more question.” “Here comes a creepy question.” I go, “What?” He goes, “Are they comfortable?” “Yeah.” “That’s a win-win for you, ain’t it?” I’m like: And he said, “Thank you. Thank you for letting me give you that compliment. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t.” And then he drove off. I was like, “He couldn’t have lived with himself if he didn’t give me that compliment.” That is so dramatic. And again, it is hard for men in the world. We must be kind to them. And so… But part of me is evil and I was like: “God, it would’ve been great if I didn’t let him compliment me.” Somehow I got to see the rest of his life played out, that deep regret, you know. It’s just like some kind of play set in the South and he’s just at home every night and he’s like: “I’m not hungry tonight, Martha.” She’s like, “Henry, I made your favorite. Two nights and you haven’t eaten it. You’re all bones. “Are you cheating on me, Henry?” “No, Martha, it’s not about sex. Sometimes things are about… fashion. Son, if you ever get the chance to compliment a woman and don’t take it, you might not be able to live with yourself. Listen to your daddy.” He’s on his death bed, his father is like, “Son, any more wisdom before you go?” And he’s just like, “Black boots,” and then he dies. No one knows what he means. His wife never understood. “Black boots? I know what that means. His daddy was in the war. His daddy wore black boots. He wants to wear his daddy’s boots in his coffin.” And he doesn’t. She’s shoving the daddy’s boots on his corpse feet. And he’s up in heaven, like, “That’s not the black boots I meant. I like women’s shoes. That’s right, Jesus, I like women’s shoes. I can be myself up here.” So… that’s when I started to think. The compliment, if you must yell at us, yell about our outfit, not our bodies. We don’t wanna think about the fact we have a body every five minutes, and you make us think about it all the time, and we don’t want to. You know that feeling when you just have keys and your phone and you feel so free? We’d love to feel that way at the bank, but can’t take our tits and vagina and leave them on the table. So, we’ve got to take these things even at 8:30 in the morning. We’re like, “Oh, God, everyone’s looking.” And, you know… And if someone is like: “Nice ass,” but we don’t feel good, we’re like, “Is that sarcastic?” It’s a whole mind fuck, right? But if you just compliment clothes, we can all get along, right? If you wanna street harass us and you drive by and you’re like, “Sweetheart. Hey, honey… that little bow matches that detail in your shoes. That is not lost on me, baby. I love a good accessory. I hope you’re going to dinner tonight. Doesn’t have to be with a man, could be by yourself. You seem unafraid. I like that. You’re walking with your job and your freedom. And I’m not threatened by that at all. I don’t have to man-splain to you. I’m just letting you know that a plaid and a polka dot can sometimes match. You go, toots.” Thank you guys so much. You’ve been amazing. Thanks again. JKL. Jennifer. – Oh! – Sweetheart. – Hi. – Lovely to see you. – You looked so gorgeous up there. – Mom. Oh, thank you. – Jennifer, what’s all this food? – Oh, that’s part of my rider. – What’s a rider? – It’s like, you know, food they bring backstage. Part of your budget. – You like the show? – They take this out of your pay? This is wasteful. Jennifer, you’re not good with money. It’s not my money. Didn’t like the show or anything or…? Oh, my God. No. Mom, Dad, get out, we’re filming. We’re filming. Cut. – Jennifer, who is this? – Filming what? – This is my real family. – Still speeding. – We can still roll on this? – Why would you do this? Why would you hire people to play us? We’re here. Well, that’s you. It’s already done. She doesn’t look like me. I have blond hair. She has gray hair. And I’m not Oriental, Jen. Oh, my God, Dad, don’t… That’s racist. You’re… I’m Japanese. Oh, Jennifer’s best friend at school was Japanese and she taught Jennifer how to say the word “hello.” – “Konichiwa.” – Konichiwa. But it doesn’t matter. Konichiwa to you. Listen, these are actors hired to represent the character of Jen Kirkman, right? That make it better? What? There’s no character based on your sister, Gail? Okay, Gail, I would’ve put you in it, but you told me when I used to have that joke about how you got caught smoking pot, you said: “Don’t put me in your act anymore.” So, I do not say anything about you anymore out of respect. Jen, you just told that story again… on camera. That’s what she does, she talks about everybody. She called Dad a racist. – He said, “Oriental.” – Maybe we can take a break. Yeah. Where’s the pizza? Did you get any pizza? No, I didn’t get any pizza. I just did a show. And I’m sorry, there’s no part for you, and the reason is not because I didn’t think you’d be good, but you’d make a scene. It’s happening. You’re making a scene. I’m not all comfortable. I’m really not comfortable. – You’re not comfortable? How do we feel? – Jen, why do you ruin everything? – Yeah. Jeez, you know. – I know a great place, guys. – You do? – We should just leave. – Just forget about her. – Were you in the audience, – because I didn’t see you out there. – Yeah. Can we use any of that? Can we use any of that because my parents just ruined my Netflix special and it was kind of fucking awesome. | Hello. I should use a microphone, really. Hi. Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That was the perfect amount of applause. I didn’t have to stand here too awkwardly long. Thank you for coming. I am Jen. If you didn’t know, maybe you wandered in, now you’re having a fun time with me. Um… It has been brought to my attention by doctors, some codependent yoga teachers, and everyone who’s ever met me that I am high strung. And… it’s been suggested… that therapy isn’t enough, that I need to meditate. And so, now, I am one of these people who meditates. And by “I meditate,” I mean, “I do not ever meditate.” But… I have a meditation playlist, some gongs going, “gong, gong.” I’ve got apps, I think about meditation. I have a meditation chair in my living room. You have one, too. It’s just a fucking chair. But… I put a candle next to it and I call it my meditation chair, yeah. And when you come over, I point out to you, “Oh, don’t mind that, that just, um… That’s my meditation chair, yeah. No, every morning I get up and I think about doing it and I don’t. I get up and I… sit in it and take a few deep breaths. Don’t be intimidated, you can sit in it if you want. Yeah, it’s not… Not everyone’s on the same spiritual plane, but we don’t have any rules in this… happy home with the chair and the… Don’t worry about why the candle has never been lit, just…” But this one day, I did meditate because I had an important thing to do. I wanted to get a job. I wanted to write and I wanted someone to pay me for it. I wanted to have an interview and I wanted to get it. So, that being said, there were a little nerves in the morning. I thought maybe I’ll try this meditation thing that everyone is talking about. And I did about five minutes of meditation. And if you’re not impressed with that, then you’ve never meditated. Because after five seconds, you’re like, “Why did the Lord stop time?” Five minutes is a long time to clear your mind of things and I did it. And I woke up and came out of it and I was like: “Oh, I get what everyone’s talking about. I feel… so… Like, I could handle anything. If I didn’t have to leave the house today, I could really handle anything.” But I did have to leave the house. And so, I got in my car and I’m driving in the Los Angeles 9 a.m. traffic. When I saw the green light, I was like, “Green’s pretty.” And I was trying to figure out what green meant, like, on a deeper level. And I’m like, “Green, what can that tell me?” And I didn’t realize in that moment, all I needed to know about green is it means fucking go. And so, I’m, “Green,” and I start to slow down. And the people behind me are starting to lose it because they are late for work. And so they’re just, “beep!” and they’re honking and their horns, and I’m like, “Oh, now it’s yellow. Oh, red. Oh, that was fun.” And I realized… I’m stopped at the red light, which is normal, but I really stopped at the green light. And then I realized, “Oh, my God, I… I screwed these people.” That could’ve made the difference between them being early and being late. Guy behind is pissed like: I see him in my rear-view mirror. And I just… I feel so calm, though, because I meditated. Yeah, so… I just turned and give him a wave that just says like, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you think you’re late for work, but… you don’t know what I know. There is no time, so, yeah.” I’m even embarrassed to say that I heard his horn. That’s not very meditation of me. What is a sound, right? That’s… That’s just the meaning I placed on it, right? I could’ve heard anything. I could’ve heard butterflies eating candy. So… I’m driving, feeling really good about myself, and just, like… Just so much better than everyone else that’s so mad. And that’s what meditation’s for, is to feel superior to others. So… I turned the corner and we go to the next stoplight… and I pull up to it and so does the guy behind me that was all pissed. And I’ve got the sunroof open, the windows down. I’m just happy as can be. Again, did I mention I had meditated that morning? And the guy next to me, typical what you think of Los Angeles if you’ve never been. Producer-looking guy, kind of chomping on his cigar, bald, kind of chubby, in his red BMW, probably 50, two divorces. And he’s sitting there and he is pissed at me. And he’s in his car… and he just looks over and goes, “Hey, dumbass, what were you doing at that light?” And I’m just sitting in my car like: “I meditated today. Can’t get angry. What would it be like to kill him? Don’t think about that.” So, he yells again, “Hey, dumbass, what were you doing at that light? Texting your boyfriend?” That one got me. Because I didn’t have a boyfriend and I was not happy about it. Then I got pissed. I’m like, “He thinks I’m texting my boyfriend? That’s what he thinks when a woman makes a mistake in traffic? It’s always about a man. Anytime you see a five-car pile up, it’s like, ‘Are you coming home for dinner or not?'” You know? So, I was like, “This guy is not gonna bully me. Fuck this. I don’t care about meditation. Everybody gets angry. I’m not a goddamn saint.” Not that they meditate, but whatever they do. And so, I put the car in park and I stood up in my seat and I put my head out of the sunroof and then I went into the passenger seat. And I leaned over and I went, “What the fuck did you just say to me?” For those at home watching, this isn’t being taped in New York City. He said, “I said, what were you doing at that light, dumbass?” Now, I didn’t wanna tell him, “I meditated today and I got loopy at the green light.” I didn’t want to tell him that because he was mean to me and I wanted to win. I wanted to say something that would make him feel so bad about what he did that he’d be like, “Oh, my God, I have to think before I speak and put myself in other people’s shoes. You never know what someone’s going through.” Right? So, I said to him something that’s true, meaning, I actually said it. The content is not true. I said, “What was I doing? I was thinking. I just found out that my mother died this morning.” I didn’t say I was a good person, I just said I meditated. He goes, “You’re still a dumbass.” And I was like: “What kind of person says that to someone whose mother just died?” She didn’t, he doesn’t know. He is a bad person. I am the winner in this story still. And then I just lost it. And I went, “Oh, go fuck your car.” I don’t know what that means either, but I just… I had to keep going, like I knew what I was talking about. Like, “Yeah, stick your dick in the tailpipe, buddy. I know who you are. What are you, a producer? Divorced? You had two wives and left both of them for your assistant. And what, you…? You tell young girls you’re gonna put them in movies? You don’t have any movies to put them in. You’re a loser.” And the light turned green and he… The light turned green and he drove off. That’s what you do at green lights, you drive away. So, as he drives off, he screams, “You’re crazy.” And I was like: And I screamed out of the… Out of the passenger seat sunroof: “I’m not crazy. I meditated today, motherfucker.” Thank you. Which is an ancient chant from the Buddha. So… But then I thought… My adrenaline’s going, I’m shaking. And I went, “Holy shit, all this happened and I meditated today. What if I hadn’t, you know?” And just a little lesson for you guys, do not call a woman crazy unless you wanna see a woman go fucking crazy, okay? Just don’t. Save yourselves. If you wanna see… If you wanna tell a woman she’s crazy, just call her calm. It’ll just throw us off and the whole thing’s dissipated. Just go, “Hey, you’re being really calm right now.” “Oh, thank you. A psychic told me I was calm once. Thanks. What were we fighting about? I didn’t even know.” So… I’m driving and I’m like: “Okay, just calm down. Adrenaline’s coming down.” I get to the next stoplight. This stoplight never changes. The guy is there again and I’m like, “Okay, don’t start anything, Jen. Stay in your lane and, literally, do not be or seem crazy.” So, I put on some music and I’m bopping around happy as can be. “Look at me, I’m not crazy at all. I wasn’t just screaming, ‘I meditated, motherfucker.’ I am fun and happy.” And he’s kind of looking at me and he yells into my car, “Hey… sorry about your mom.” And I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I forgot my mom died.” And so, you know… I suddenly get real upset, I go: “Oh, I know, it’s been a tough morning. So much paperwork.” What? I don’t know… What is…? Why would there be paperwork so soon, an hour? If it’s real, she lives in Boston, I live in L.A., she died an hour ago, there’s paperwork, do I have a fax machine that’s like, “Someone died, come on,” you know? And so, he looks at me and goes, “Well, love, we got kind of heated, but I hope you have a good day whatever you’re doing.” And I’m like, “You, too, man.” And he drives off and I start sobbing. I’m like, “Oh, my God. So full of emotion, you know. I don’t know if it’s just my mom or just… I… It just kind of… You know, I’ve talked to two people this morning already and I would never do that, but that’s the meditation, it brings us together. It’s so powerful.” So, then I parked the car. I’m no longer crying, or passionate, or crazy, or condescending because I’m meditating. And I walk in into this meeting, introduce myself, we have a chitchat, they’re gonna pay me, I’m gonna do the job, I nailed it. I’m like, “I shouldn’t be allowed to do that. I should not be allowed to act normal ’cause I was acting like a maniac.” How come they don’t have to know what I was doing. You’re allowed into a building and be whatever you want even though you were screaming. I can’t believe we do that, but we do. I’m like, “But registered sex offenders don’t get to do that.” I feel like, I should… When I get crazy like that, I should be treated like a registered sex offender. Like, they have to go door-to-door. “I’m your neighbor. I have things in my past.” Like, I should have to go to a meeting, like, “Hello, I’m a nice person, but I just screamed, ‘I meditated today, ‘ in the middle of the road and…” But I got away with it. It’s like… If you’ve ever been going to a party and you’re in the car with your partner and just… You hate them and you’re like: “That outfit doesn’t match. What’s so funny is you talk about how much you love your mom and she used to put you in these outfits. She fucking sucked at teaching you how to dress. Oh, yeah, I am gonna start in on your mom. Oh, yeah, I am. Oh, yes, I am. Oh, no. No, don’t even… No, no, no. Know what? I wanna go to this party for five minutes and I don’t wanna look at you. They’re my friends, not yours.” Then you walk in, “Hey, I brought muffins,” and you’re like… You wanna stay all night. “Aren’t we having fun?” He’s in the corner and your friends are like: “Isn’t she great?” And he’s like, “She’s fucking great.” And you get back in the car and you forget about the fight from before and you’re like, “Weren’t those muffins great? I’m great.” And he’s just looking at you like, “Shut up. I know who you really are.” I know you can probably sense I’m a bit of a badass. Um… Not… I don’t mean because of that story, but you can tell I have a tattoo. I know you can. Um… I have… Not everyone gets one, you know. There’s badasses and the rest of you and, um… But I have a tattoo and I’m only gonna have one. I think the whole tattoo thing is a lot like kids. Like, first of all, some people want one, some people want none, some people want a bunch, like… And it’s all over their arms and it looks like a lot of work. But… But you go to a place, you lay down, there’s a lot of pain and you’re like: “God, I hope I love it. It is permanent.” So… So, I’m having a tattoo instead of a child. And… So, for me, I’m one of the one-and-doner types. So, you know that my tattoo has to be very meaningful, right? If… If you’ve ever thought about getting a tattoo, you think about it for a while. “I don’t wanna get something dumb. I have to have something that means something.” And I’ve been waiting my whole life to find something succinct that means something that I can put on my body permanently. I thought of something a couple of years ago and I was like: “Don’t do it, give it another year and if you’re still thinking about it, do it.” That’s what I did. And I was inspired by my friend who got a tattoo of her grandfather’s name on her wrist and his birthday because he has an amazing story, so… My… My friend’s grandfather survived the Holocaust because he was a Nazi. But… No, that’s… Okay. Sorry. That… That’s just a fun joke. That is not… I didn’t set you guys up, there really is a story about my friend. I just had to throw in because he was… My friend’s grandfather survived the Holocaust. And my friend, just like her father and her father’s father, and like many of us in this country, suffers from depression and anxiety. And the story he would tell was the survival story of his mind. When he was in the camps, he would say a prayer of gratitude to God and say, “I don’t… If this has to end this way, fine, but thank you for making me me and not one of the evil people. Thank you for putting love in my heart.” And that is mind-blowing. Of course you put that guy’s name on your wrist. The most beautiful story I’ve heard. And I don’t have anyone in my family like that. I… I come from a family of Catholic people from Boston and we don’t talk to God like that. We don’t like God. We are mad at God and we assume he’s mad at us. “Jennifer, why would you have gratitude for a bad thing that happened? That means God’s mad… Mad at you. He’s punishing you. Jennifer, why would you have gratitude for God being so mean to you? Maybe he’ll think you like it there and he’ll keep you in there. We’re not bothering God with all this gratitude unless something good happens. Nothing bad’s ever happened in our family, but it could and we’re gonna complain in advance and we’re gonna stay vigilant. So, no tattoos of anything our family said, please.” So, I had to go elsewhere. So, I’ll show you my… My tattoo… and then I’ll explain. Thank you. It’s on my ankle. It’s on my ankle. It says, “JKL,” which stands for JK living, which stands for just keep living, which is Matthew McConaughey’s catchphrase. Thank you. This tattoo could not be less ironic at all. I mean it with all my heart. Just keep living… inspires me. And I’m not suicidal. But I am a soul trapped in a body. I didn’t ask to be born and I’m afraid to die. And that’s the shit I live in every day. And so… Yeah. I love what you get excited about. “Yeah, that’s right. We’re trapped!” Before you judge, or if you think I’m just some shallow Hollywood person. No, no, no. There’s a story behind “just keep living.” Just like my friend had a story behind her tattoo of her grandfather. So, I’m at the nail salon and I’m having a bad day… but I don’t know why I’m having a bad day. I just don’t feel good. Physically, I feel fine. Mentally, not into it. So, I’m scrolling through People magazine and I see an article about Matthew McConaughey. Well, he had a tough day once, too. I’m not sure why you’re laughing. This is very serious. He was filming Dazed and Confused and he knew he was going to be a big star, but his father is dying, so, he was like: “Something good and something bad is happening at the same time. Well, I guess I better just keep living.” And then that became his catchphrase. And I see you’re not as moved to silence by it as you were the Holocaust story. And that’s fine. Different things for different people. The thing about this tattoo is it’s in an inconvenient place. If my friend is having a bad day, she can remind herself, “Not as bad as my grandfather had it,” by going like this. I have to be like: “I will board this plane in a minute, I’m having a bad day, and I need a reminder… Go… Go ahead. Go. Go ahead.” People say things about tattoos like, “You’re gonna regret it. It looks dumb.” I’m like, “It looks dumb now, I’m all set. Thank you.” I got the, uh… I actually got the tattoo on my birthday last year. Didn’t do anything fun for my birthday this year. Got a gift from mom. It wasn’t my only gift, but she handed me this piece of paper. Um… She does that now that she’s getting older. I don’t know if she’s made a will, but she seems to send me things and hand me things whenever I see her and it’s always a dramatic speech. “Jennifer, I had to give this to you because if I die how would you know I had it?” I go, “I’m gonna ransack the house. Yeah, I’ll get everything, don’t worry.” But she give me this thing and it is as old as I am. It is 42 years old. It is the piece of paper they gave her when she left the hospital with me when I was a little baby. I know, so cute. I was 7 and a half pounds when I was born. So thin. Now I am 42 years old and I’ve been over this before, you know, when we talk about complimenting women and men, too, of telling people they look young. It’s a scary thing. Do not do this to people, okay? Stop complimenting people by saying, “You don’t look your age.” Don’t do that. I don’t like when women in their 20s are like: “Oh, my God, I thought you were my age.” Not a compliment. I’ve been in my 20s. I don’t wanna look like I have four roommates and shitty towels. I don’t wanna look like that. So… Thank you. I’m the only one I know that loves being called “ma’am.” I love it. I… Whenever someone goes, “Your change, ma’am,” I’m like, “You noticed. Thank you. Yeah. I have had a really rich and storied life. Yeah. I, um… No, I’ve got time to tell you. I had a pager, sure, yeah. I… I was a cashier before scan technology, made change in my head. And I was around when Bruce Willis thought he should record an R&B album. So, yeah. Survivor, seen a lot. Thanks.” Anyways, my mom gives me this. This is all they gave you in the ’70s when you had a child, a living thing that you had to take care of. Not even 8-by-10. “Here you go. Bye.” This I found very strange. It says, “Friends and relatives, these people are interested in your baby.” Oh, thank you. “And they want to hold and hug him.” Oh, they didn’t have girls in the ’70s. “We must caution you to keep visitors away from your baby. The newborn baby is best kept as much to himself as possible.” Which is different than now. I go to my friends’ houses, they’re like: “Look at the baby, swaddle the baby, you can breastfeed the baby. It’s fine.” But in the ’70s, it’s just like, “Joyce, didn’t you have a baby?” “Yeah, three months ago.” “Where is he?” “He’s in the other room. We haven’t taken him out yet. You know, they say, the doctor says too much looking, and touching, and fussing, it… It can lead to a sense of well-being, so we don’t want that, we’re just gonna… Don’t look at him.” But… This is my favorite part, we might have to go over it twice if there’s any confusion. It explains crying. Why does a baby cry? Well, he’s too hot, he’s too hungry, he’s too thirsty. We got it. Here’s one. “If it is less than three hours from the feeding, check to make sure there are no pins sticking in him. And change him.” So, I’ll explain for anyone very young. Velcro, although invented in the ’40s, was something they didn’t put on diapers. I don’t know if they didn’t put it on diapers. We didn’t have Velcro diapers in the ’70s in my house. Whenever we didn’t have something, we were told it wasn’t invented yet. I’d be like, “Can we get a microwave?” My parents were like, “Not invented yet.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, I must be so genius. How did I know there was…?” But we… We did not have Velcro diapers. Back then, you’d wear a cloth diaper and then they’d put safety pins to keep it on. So, that’s fine. Make sure no pins are sticking in him. But why must you wait three hours? Can’t you…? Can’t you feed the baby, put him down in the other room where no friends or family can see him… If five minutes goes by, can you check and see if there’s no pins in him? If there aren’t, then go, “I guess he’s gonna cry for a while.” But, no, this says three hours. You could see a movie in three hours. But you don’t have a VCR back then. So, you have to go to a movie and you can come all the way back, and have 15 minutes left before you check on your kid. “Should we check on him?” “It says three hours. We don’t wanna be smothering.” “You’re right, we got 15. Make me a drink, then we’ll go in, I’m gonna…” So… I basically know that I was just thrown in another room with pins sticking in me growing up. Which is why I’m so comfortable being alone and I do acupuncture. But, um… I travel alone, I went to Italy by myself this year. And it invoked a lot of reactions from people. You would have thought I said, “I started a race riot this year.” People were like, “What? You did what?” People are very freaked out with being alone. Like, I love being alone. I think it’s great. People are like, “How do you do it?” How do I decide that I don’t like other people and make sure I’m not around them? Pretty easy. People are like: “I don’t even wanna go to the movies alone.” Why would you wanna go with another person? What can you do at the movies with another person besides jerk them off or something? There’s nothing to do at the movies. And I’m a grown woman. I don’t care if people think I’m a loser for being alone. I was excited for this trip before people started putting a damper on it. My dad was saying, “Aren’t you afraid of ISIS? ISIS is everywhere. Be afraid of ISIS.” I was like, “Who… I’m a woman. I don’t have time to be afraid of ISIS. I’m just busy being afraid of plain old men. Are you kidding me?” You ever walked by a bar at 1 a.m. when dudes in baseball hats are getting out? Fuck ISIS. ISIS are adorable. ISIS have costumes and beards, look like bartenders. ISIS, they’re not… I’m not afraid of them at all. So… I’m packing for my trip and I’m thinking like, “Where should I go?” Like, you know, I’m making list of, like, where I’m gonna see and what I’m gonna do. Then I Googled just at the last minute, ’cause I booked a trip to Venice. I just Googled, “What are the safest places in Italy where woman don’t get raped?” – Oh! – “Oh! Oh! She said rape.” Let me fucking tell you something. Rape exists, I’m gonna talk about it. That’s not a joke, that’s a fact. I looked that up because I didn’t wanna get raped. I’ll stop talking about rape when men stop raping. So, don’t give me your little outrage, “Ooh, oh, oh!” So… But it’s true, there are websites for this stuff. Well, it’s just Yelp. There should be… There should be “Relp” for like, “Where will I get raped? Help.” And so you go on that website. So… I felt very safe in Venice, and if anyone cares I came out of it unscathed, it was a very safe time. But people were saying to me: “Wouldn’t you rather wait and go with a man?” Not for safety, just it’s not fun to go, I guess, without a man. And I’m in a relationship and that’s what shocked people more. “Why isn’t he going?” ‘Cause I’m a comedian, I happen to be in Europe for some work anyway. I thought I’d just jaunt over to Italy for a couple days, and he has a job and so he can’t just do that. And they’re like, “He’s abusive.” I’m like, “No, no, he just… He just has a different job, and I have free time, and… It’d be a waste to not go to Italy, it’s just two hours away.” And they’re like, “He should be by your side for this.” I’m like, “It’s not chemo. I’m just going on a trip. I’m just going on a trip. It’s all good, they have food there, they have wine, they have people that talk, it’s just like here, it’s just like here.” But I don’t understand. Obviously, you wanna sometimes spend time with your partner. But traveling… Why risk the relationship? Why travel with a partner, right? I went to Paris once with my husband. Guess what, now he’s my ex-husband. It… You don’t have to travel with your partner. It’s the time that you see them 24 hours a day and everything they do, you’re like: “Why are you walking on the plane using your legs? God!” When you travel alone, you can eat with your hands. I don’t mean pizza. I was eating a salad. I would rub it on. It was great. The only thing that sucked about my trip, and I hate to complain about such a privileged thing as to go to Italy by myself, is that I booked a walking tour ’cause I love that stuff. And I booked the ghost tours of Venice, which I thought was gonna be so fun. I was reading the website, people were leaving comments. “It was so fun, then a theater troupe jumped out at us and they tried to scare us and we saw sites where people got slaughtered back in the 1700s, we heard these crazy ghost stories and we saw secret canals and secret this and secret that.” And I was like, “I want that. I want all the secrets.” So, I signed up for it. And it was my last night in Venice. And so at the last minute, I checked my e-mail confirmation from the company. And I had accidentally booked a private tour. And I was like, “No. No.” Thank you for understanding. “I don’t wanna walk alone with someone for 90 minutes. That’s my worst nightmare.” And they make me meet him on the bridge, like some romance story. And he sees me and he goes, “Is it just you?” And I go, “Yeah.” And he goes, “Oh, this breaks my heart.” And he was doing this big thing. “I don’t wanna give you the ghost story tour. Oh, it’s too sad. You’re alone in Venice. Oh, no, no, no. We do the love story tour.” I go, “I wanna see where people got murdered. Tell me about dead babies. I wanna hear all kinds of crazy shit.” And he asked, “Where is the man?” I don’t know if he meant my boyfriend or “the man” that’s coming down on us. I’m like, “If I knew where ‘the man’ was, we’d all be free,” right? And so… I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was very concerned, I had to explain, “I’m in a…” You know, like all walking tours start this way, you explain. You’re in a relationship, very happy. You’re just taking sometime alone. Don’t worry. And then I got down on my knees and screamed: “Why, God, I miss him! I haven’t seen a penis in a week! Oh, God!” But then we started the tour. But when… The other problem… Not just being a woman with a man. When you’re anybody with anybody, when you’re alone on a walking tour, they can start taking advantage of you. So, he was like, “Miss, if you don’t mind, I don’t feel so much like walking tonight.” I’m like, “You picked the wrong job.” He’s like, “I’m a little tired. It’s been a hard day. I am sad and it’s hot. Could we stand here?” And so I said yes. I stood under a bridge with a man while he told me stories that were not ghost stories for 90 minutes, okay? And I knew the inevitable was gonna happen. I knew it was gonna happen. He asked me… why I was in Italy. And I said, “For vacation.” He said, “But why alone?” I said, “All right, I was in London doing some work and I came here.” “What work do you do?” And I… I don’t wanna tell him I’m a comedian. You guys, you’re nice to comedians when we’re on stage, but in real life, people say awful things to us. They find we’re comedians they’re like, “You don’t seem funny.” “I’m getting my fucking colon removed, that’s why.” So… I always have a lie whenever I check-in to a hotel, get into an Uber. “What brings you to town?” Shuts them up. “My friend’s having an abortion. I had to come right in. And it’s a guy so it’s a weird procedure, so just please leave me alone. I don’t wanna…” So, I just tell him I’m a comedian and then he goes: “Madam, this is not a provocation… but your life does not seem interesting enough that you have to go around the world and tell it.” And he’s right, isn’t he? And that was how the tour ended is he said “not a provocation” and then gave me a big old provocation. And then he did one nice thing. I was trying to look at the positive, I’m a meditator. Is he took me to an Italian restaurant. Obviously, I was in Italy. He took me to a restaurant, I don’t have to say Italian restaurant. “Is this here an Italian restaurant or what?” So, he took me… He took me to a restaurant. He didn’t sit with me, he just brought me there. And I was actually very grateful because it was on the Grand Canal and if you’ve ever been to anywhere, you sometimes don’t know what’s the authentic restaurant and what is the cheesy tourist place. And so, I said, “I never would’ve picked this place. I had no idea by looking at the restaurants on the Grand Canal what was authentic and what wasn’t, so, thank you for bringing me here.” Now he’s standing over my table, waiter is bringing the wine, things are starting to happen and he says, “May I tell you one more story, then?” I go, “Okay.” He hadn’t told me a ghost story yet, so I was like, “Maybe this is it.” He goes, “You remind me, there’s a story about perception. You bring up you don’t know what restaurant is good based on looks. Isn’t that life? You don’t know a man or a person, just based on looking at them, what’s in their soul. Maybe there’s a man and he’s fun and he walks and he tells the stories. But then maybe he goes home and he kills himself.” “Is that it?” He goes, “Yes.” I go, “Okay, well, have a good night. Thanks for the tour.” What…? “Just keep living.” I was annoyed because he never told the horror story. He only told me the love story. I was like, “Oh, that’s so… I don’t… Not everyone’s meant for this world. Whatever he wants, I don’t care.” But I thought, maybe I should complain. Like, I don’t wanna get him fired, but I wanna complain and get my money back and then just have the manager just tell everyone, “Hey, you know, we can’t mess around with the tours. Give people what they want.” So, maybe, what if I call the manager right now? What if she was like, “Sergio? He did not meet you on the bridge at 7.” I’d be like, “He did.” She’d be like, “Oh, no, ma’am, at 6:30 he killed himself.” I’d be like, “Oh, my God, that was the greatest ghost tour ever!” Yes. Now you like a suicide joke when it has a little punch to it, right? So, you know, I’m a hypochondriac, but not… I don’t invent things. It’s just that when something happens, I think it’s worse than it is, right? I had an incident with my doctor six months ago… where she told me I couldn’t come back for a year even if I really was dying. Because I had such a hypochondriacal episode… and made an ass of myself. Now, I wanna tell you the story, but it’s gonna be filmed… and now a cliché is gonna be stuck on me. Because the story also involves my period. And people have a problem when women talk about their periods. “People.” Men. So… the common wisdom that people say is women aren’t funny. Okay, great. I can’t do anything about that. If you don’t think I’m funny, check out other women, right? “Women” is not a type of comedy. “Women” is a type of person. I think women are people, I’m not sure. Anyway, but… Let’s take apart why it’s so difficult to talk about a period. I think sometimes people just don’t know what a period is. And so, a man doesn’t wanna hear about it because he’s like: “I feel stupid. I don’t know what it is.” And no problem. They didn’t explain it to us either. I turned 11, mother said, “You’re gonna get your period.” “What’s that?” “A thing you’re gonna get.” “When?” “Anytime between now and the next seven years.” “Oh, God.” And then you’re just walking to school like, “Gonna get my period. What’s my period? Comes out of here. Do I have it? Can anyone see?” And so, it’s… It’s… Here’s what a period is. Let’s start with education and get to the fun story about hypochondria and my period, right? Here we go. In case anyone doesn’t know what a period is, every month a woman sheds the interior of her uterine lining because she’s not pregnant, because she’s a dirty, dirty whore… who didn’t do the one thing God put her on earth to do, which is make a baby. And that’s her three- to-five-day punishment. So… that’s what a period is. Now… I think men can handle that fact, right? And I’m not making fun of men. I mean, I… The thing… Men aren’t ever mean to us about our periods when we talk about them. They’re never mean to us. They just don’t wanna hear it. And I understand that because the world caters to you and you don’t have to hear about anything that you don’t know about. And that must be really scary when you have to, so, we must… We must be kind to men. I don’t like the old hacky thing of, “If men had their periods, they’d be like, ‘Yeah, blood everywhere. Gonna name a bar after it. Yeah… ‘” You know. Maybe that’d be true, maybe it wouldn’t. But I don’t know if it’d be true because if men were the ones getting their periods, then women would be the ones not getting their periods. And so, it would be unequal. And I know what I’m like when I don’t understand things in a man’s body. Know what I mean? Like, “Why do you have balls?” “‘Cause I have them.” “Get rid of it.” Like, I’m not necessarily nice. And so, I wonder what I would be like if I had a boyfriend who got his period because men get the periods and I’ve never had one. If I’m at dinner… and my boyfriend comes out of the bathroom and he’s like: “Uh, Jen… we gotta go.” “Jonathan, we didn’t order an appetizer yet.” “Jen, I just got my period a day early and I’m wearing white pants. We gotta go. We gotta go.” “Uh, what do you mean you got your period a day early? Doesn’t it come on the same day every month? “” No, it’s a hormonal thing, it’s irregular. I can’t control it.” “Oh, I can’t control my body. Oh, it’s hormones made me do it. Come on, you can control it.” “Jen, I can’t.” “They have tampons in the bathroom?” “No, they’re out and I… So, we gotta go.” “You have a tampon in your purse, Jonathan?” “No, I forgot.” “Jonathan, how many times have I told you be a fucking man and keep a tampon in your purse in case… you get your period early. And why wear white pants anywhere near the week of your expected period? God, what…? How long have you been getting this, 20 years now? Why can’t you do this, Jonathan? You can leave. I’m eating here. We’ve had this reservation for two weeks. Leave, I’m staying. Go. Tie your jacket around your waist, Jonathan. Everyone can see your period.” Then I call my friend, “I’m at a restaurant alone. Yeah. But Jonathan got his period. No, of course he didn’t. He didn’t know it was coming, no. He never knows. Oh, like Jonathan had a tampon. Are you crazy? We’re talking about Jonathan. He’s the… I don’t know if I can be with him ’cause if he can’t plan for himself, then, like, how can he plan for me, you know?” So, that might be what women are like if men got their periods. Here’s what happened to me. Now, my period comes on the same day every month. Never been early, never been late. I don’t get cramps. Thank you. So… One morning… when I was 41 and a half years old and really feeling it… just thinking about it, God… almost 50. I mean, not really, but… closer than I was when I was 13. Right? I woke up in the morning and I went to the ladies’ room. There’s not a ladies’ room in my house. It’s not like ladies, men, wheelchair, you know, it’s… I went… I was going pee. And I looked at my underwear and there were some fresh drops of blood. Now, again… it was two weeks from when I was supposed to get my period. And this was not uterine lining-looking blood. This was prick-your-finger fresh blood. It actually looked like the blood… that my roommate’s cat had years and years ago. When I was just a young thing with a roommate in Brooklyn and she had a dying cat. And the cat dragged its body across the floor as little drops of blood came out because the cat’s kidneys were failing. That’s right. And my roommate had to put the cat in a cage and the cat got put down that day, the same day that the blood drops appeared in the morning. And I looked at myself and I went, “Today is the day I will be put down. I don’t have a human-sized cage and I live alone. I knew if I didn’t start a family this would happen, but I’ll have to put myself down. I will call the vet and I will make an appointment.” Because I knew that’s internal bleeding. My kidneys are failing. I have internal bleeding. But before I freaked out, I checked my vagina for glass. And so I just wanted to make sure… Because I take sleeping pills sometimes, you can sleepwalk on those. I wanted to make sure that in the middle of the night I didn’t start sleepwalking, then get into a bar fight, break a bottle, and then put it in me and you go, “Come at me!” So… I called friends, I’m like, “Did I get in a bar fight with my vagina?” They’re like, “I don’t think so.” I was like, “Thanks. The bad news is then I must be put down today. It’s internal bleeding. I’m gonna call my doctor.” So, I called. I said, “I have to come in. I have internal bleeding.” I get there, she puts me in the stirrups, which is stupid. I’m like, “This isn’t a period thing. Do an x-ray. I have internal bleeding. My kidneys are failing. Rapidly. Come on.” She looks up and goes, “Jen, this is your period.” I go, “No, it isn’t.” And she goes, “Yes, it is.” “It’s not supposed to be here for two weeks.” She goes, “Two weeks early.” I go, “Well, I want a second opinion.” She goes, “What do you want a second opinion about?” I said, “I still think this is internal bleeding.” And she said, “It’s not.” And I said, “How do you know?” And she said, “Because you’re seeing the blood externally.” “Oh, that’s such a fucking amazing point. I never thought about that. That’s why people die from internal bleeding, because they don’t see the blood. Okay, I got it. Good. All right. I am stupid.” She looked at me and went, “Are you okay?” And I went, “I don’t think so. No, I don’t…” And like a child being handed a toothbrush by a dentist, she just handed me a tampon and was like, “Get out of here.” And, um… Now, the worst part is, I have a subscription for tampons on Amazon. And I keep forgetting to cancel it, and so every month, I get so many tampons. And I have a closet filled with them. They will outlive me. I will not… I will be in menopause before them. I’ll be dead. I will one day be in a chair, no blood left in my body, like: “I haven’t even seen blood on a tooth, let alone this.” I have no kids, I have no one to give them to. I’m the weird lady at Halloween every year where it’s like, “Trick or treat.” And I’m like, “You’ll be a woman someday. Yes, take this.” Even you, little boy, you never know. Take it, take it. Take it, everybody.” It’s amazing what we don’t know about our bodies, we don’t think about things. Like, I was taught nothing about my body growing up. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was basically almost 22 years old, which I have a lot of shame about. I think it’s kind of old, kind of dorky. And even the person I lost my virginity to does not know that he took it, ’cause I had to lie that I lost it at age 16 under a creeping willow tree. You get real detailed when you lied about stuff, right? I lost my virginity at age 21, but, like, almost 22, like, 21 and 11 months. And it wasn’t ’cause I was a prude. I wanted to lose my virginity. It had always been my life’s goal ever since I was a little girl. Just grow up someday and lose my virginity. And the thing that stopped me… It was a Catholic thing. Well, first of all, I didn’t really understand even what sex was, right? I mean, I had sex education, as we all did. They didn’t, like, teach you how to fuck, it was just like… They never said anything about, like, making love and sensuality, and… There’s never gay people involved. It was just a man lays next to a woman, they get pregnant. I was like, “Why would anyone do that?” And so… Single bed for life, right? And so… All we had in sex education for the girls, we had a big poster of fallopian tubes. And I was like, “Those are inside of me?” They looked giant, like, “Why aren’t they coming out my mouth?” It was just like… And there was just a vagina right there with an egg right here. Looked like a ball in a catcher’s mitt. It looked like the egg is always there, like, “Let’s play ball. Impregnate me. Come on, we’ll go around the bases.” And then for the boys, they just had a poster of sperm. And they taught us in one little drop of semen there’s billions and billions of sperm. I was like, “Okay.” That’s all I remembered. As I got to be a teenager, my mother was like: “Never have sex, you’ll get pregnant every time.” And I was like, but I think she’s right ’cause I thought back to those two signs, the egg waiting and ready and then billions and billions of sperm. What are the odds? A billion to one. You’re going to have a baby, right? I was like, “How come women just have one? How come they’re aren’t like:” Like, why aren’t babies just, like, spilling out of everybody? Like, there’s billions and billions of sperm and one egg. So, I didn’t wanna… I didn’t wanna, you know, lose my virginity so fast. It was the Catholic Church’s fault. Like, now, I’m cool with Jesus. I knew Jesus didn’t mind if I had sex ’cause Jesus loved whores, right? It’s in the Bible. He hung out with prostitutes, they were his favorite people. When he was fed up with the apostles, “Where are my prostitutes?” “We’re here.” He’d be like, “We’re not gonna write about you in the Bible.” And then he was friends with them. So, I knew that once I had sex, I would just confess to Jesus, “I had sex.” He’d be like, “I love that.” I’d be like, “Just telling you.” And so that would be fine. What I was afraid of was getting pregnant. Obviously, I didn’t want to be a teenage mother or a mother period. I knew if I got pregnant, I would have to have an abortion and I was very afraid of abortion because of church. Not ’cause of Jesus, but because of the priest at church. Every single sermon the priest at my church did were about abortion. Even though it was not in the Bible that day, you know. They would be like, “Merry Christmas, everybody. And we are here ’cause Mary had a baby. She kept it even though she didn’t know who the fuck gave it to her. And we will celebrate Mary. She didn’t have an abortion like you girls who go to the clubs and use it as birth control. Then if you had an abortion, you go to hell. If you know someone that’s had an abortion, you go to hell. Guys, don’t worry. We’ll high-five you. You got a woman pregnant. But the women are going to hell.” And I was like, “I don’t wanna go to hell.” I decided I’m never gonna get pregnant and the easiest way to do that is to never have sex. And I really didn’t understand what an abortion was. I didn’t know it was a safe medical procedure that prevents a pregnancy from becoming a pregnancy. I thought you carried a baby to full term and then in a doctor’s office, they, like, shot it in the head. You know, I was like, “I’m not doing that.” I’m not judging, but I’m not doing that. So, instead of sex… Instead of sex, I was the girl who loved being fingered. I loved fingering. Loved? I still love it. I love fingering. I am bringing back fingering. It’s amazing. Do it to everybody. It’s not just for… It’s not just for kids. It’s like sugar cereal. Adults can enjoy it, too. It’s wonderful. You’re going right to the source. Greatest feeling on Earth. And so… I had a lovely boyfriend who used to finger me. And the first time I ever got fingered… Oh, my God. I mean, I touched myself before, but when you get to go hands free, it’s like, “Whee!” It’s so exciting. And the feeling was so powerful that after I got fingered, every moment after that that I wasn’t getting fingered, I was in a deep, dark depression. That’s why when you see Goth girls walking around, they’re not trying to get attention, they’re upset. They got fingered once and haven’t been fingered since. They’re like, “It’s so dark. Everything is horrible. I don’t feel anything.” So, anyway… My boyfriend usually went first on me ’cause he was a good guy. But this one time I wanted to return the favor. And so I took my two dry hands, and I rubbed his penis up and down like you do, and it almost caught on fire. And… So, like a skilled firefighter, he grabbed it like a hose and was like, “I got this,” you know. And he came on his hand like a young man of 17 does, wiped it on his T-shirt in the basement and then he kindly went in to return the favor. All I saw on that finger… I couldn’t see it, but I knew it was there. Billions and billions of sperm. I didn’t wanna be like: “Can you wash your hands? I’m not ready to become a mother.” ‘Cause that’s dorky, right? Then I was like, “You can’t get pregnant from fingering. They would’ve told us. They would’ve told us that in school. Unless they don’t know what this is, and we just invented it.” I was like, “I need that good feeling,” so I let it happen. No consequences. I didn’t care. I woke up in the middle of the night and put my hand on my stomach and I felt a heartbeat and I was like: “Oh, my God. I’m a mother.” I was so dumb. I didn’t know that you could feel a pulse anywhere else but your wrist. That was the first time I had noticed a pulse anywhere else in my body. And I thought I’d grown a baby in four hours. I was like, “Whoo! That happens fast. No wonder this abortion is such a hot topic. There is a living, breathing person in there.” Well, I couldn’t tell my mom. She’d kill me. I didn’t have the Internet back then, not just ’cause my mom wouldn’t let me, it wasn’t invented yet, okay? So, all I had was a typewriter, and you can’t ask your typewriter: “Can I get fingered, and then get pregnant from that?” ‘Cause your typewriter just has a piece of paper looking back at you, like: “I don’t know if you can get pregnant. I’m a typewriter.” So, you’re just stuck. It’s a standstill, right? So, I had to go… to the library. And I couldn’t ask the librarian because she was a friend of my mom. I couldn’t be like, “I got finger-blasted. What do you think, baby or no?” So, I had to take a walk to the card catalog. Which if you’re younger and you don’t know, it’s what we had before the Internet at the library. It’s a catalog filled with cards. And in it are cards that have the name of every book in the library. Now, as years go by and more information is out there, they keep jamming more cards in the catalog. They don’t get extra catalogs, no, no. Just shove it in the one. You put your finger in and take a risk. You might not get your finger back. Like, “Aah!” And so I had to look for books about pregnancy. Now, again, the card catalog is not in alphabetical order. No, no, no. It is in something called the Dewey Decimal System, which is a complicated series of numbers that librarians have to go to college to learn. But they throw it in the lobby at us, like, “You’ll figure it out.” And so… I find books on pregnancy and, you know, of course, it doesn’t just say pregnancy and then aisle P. No, I have to memorize, like, 12 numbers. And so, back then we used to be smart. We could memorize 12 numbers. We didn’t have to take a picture or anything. And so… Then I walked all the way back… to the shelves. I didn’t give an example of the 12-number thing ’cause I’m too stupid now. There was no book What to Expect If You’re Expecting ‘Cause You’ve Been Fingered, so I was like, “Argh!” So, I just didn’t do anything. If I had been pregnant, it would’ve been like those TV shows where I just have it in a toilet. But nine months later, when no baby came, I was like, “I must have miscarried. So tragic, but so right for me, you know.” So, then I found out. I found out all the facts. The egg’s not sitting there, it only comes once in a while. And if you use condoms it’s 99.9 percent effective. I was like, “I gotta lose my virginity then.” But my boyfriend and I had broken up and I was about to go to college, I was like, “How am I gonna lose my virginity now? I don’t know anyone at college yet. What, am I gonna walk in and go to a guy and go, “Wanna have sex?” They have to be in love before they do that. I didn’t know anything. And then I thought, “Wait, how am I gonna get a guy to be interested in me unless he thinks I’m experienced? No guy wants to sleep with a virgin.” I didn’t know that either. So, I spread a rumor about myself. I told everyone that at age 18, entering college in 1992, that I had already fucked ten guys. That’s a lot, ten guys. I mean, not now, but then. That was a lot. Ten guys at 18 was a lot. Some people don’t have ten people in their town. Ten guys. And 1992 was an innocent, innocent time. Beverly Hills, 90210, Brenda and Dylan, they waited a year to lose their virginity to each other. Dylan was an alcoholic who lived by himself. He was a virgin. It was an innocent time. So, no guys wanted to have sex with me because they thought I had an STD because I’d fucked ten guys. And so, I went year after year after year not getting laid until I met someone who transferred into my college my senior year and he hadn’t heard the rumors and I didn’t tell him. We had sex, it was fun, it was fine. I don’t remember every detail ’cause it was long ago, but it was lovely. And I walked home that day, just, you know, listening to my Discman, listening to Madonna, you know, Bedtime Stories album. I’m like, “I get it. I’m sexual, too, Madge.” And, um… But something stopped me dead as I was walking and I was like, “Wait a minute, my hymen didn’t break.” That’s another thing they teach us girls. We have a hymen. It’s a piece of skin that’s somewhere in our vagina and a penis pokes it and we bleed and get sheets dirty and we suck, fuck you, you’re dumped. So, now… my hymen didn’t break and I was like, “Uh-oh. I hope my hymen didn’t get pushed up into my body and now it’s strangling, you know, my internal organs.” I don’t even know what a hymen is. How strong is it? How does it work? And I was like, “I gotta go to a doctor.” And so, I went to the school nurse, but I didn’t wanna act like I just lost my virginity, so, I tried to play it all “cas.” I walked in, I was like, “Hey, quick question. Um… When I lost my virginity, whenever that was… uh… my hymen didn’t break. What’s up with that?” She was like, “That’s an old wive’s tale. It’s fine. If you’ve used a tampon or ridden a horse or took a dance class it can stretch, it can break.” I go: “Okay, it can’t get shoved up and start strangling your organs?” “No, it’s a tissue.” “Can it get wadded up and…?” “No, not a tissue. Like, it’s a…” I go, “Oh, okay, okay.” She looks at my chart like, “About to turn 22.” She goes: “So, you didn’t just lose your virginity, did you?” “No, I fucked like ten guys.” And that’s when I got my first STD test. So… So, I’m in a relationship, and I don’t have jokes about it because it’s a nice story. I’m with someone that I love a lot, we’ve known each other for a long time… And look at you get quiet. No one likes nice things, I understand. But there was a time in my life when I was what I call “single” single, when I was like, “God, like, no one seems to like me.” I wasn’t getting picked and I didn’t like how it felt. And I read a self-help book that was like, take yourself on a self date. And so, I did that. And I would sit at bars and… guys would come up and go, “Can I sit here?” I go, “No. I’m also sitting there, please stop. I’m on a… I’m on a date with myself, so, would you please?” I started saying bullshit things, you know, after reading these books, like, “You know what? Gonna take some time. Can’t love someone till you love yourself, you know?” What bullshit. You can love someone when you don’t love yourself. What a fun distraction, right? So… But my friend did this. She decided to have a party. She called it Facebook in Real Life. And she invited a bunch of people… Really good idea. She invited people that sort of know each other. You could vouch for someone if you don’t know them well. So, you could be like, “Oh, hey, John’s fun. He’s a murderer, though. Don’t go home with him, but fun at parties. Okay.” They’re like, “Oh, cool.” I met this guy, really nice guy. He was age appropriate, we got each other’s numbers, started texting. We liked the same things, talked about the same stuff. He didn’t send a dick pic, nothing inappropriate. I felt respected and then, you know, after a couple of weeks, he asked me to go have wine with him. I was like, “We’re going on date.” We’re sitting there and drinking and talking. I’m not getting a vibe he wants to sleep with me, but I’m like, “I’ll loosen him up a little.” Waitress comes and she’s like, “Want a third?” We do that dance you do when you, “I don’t normally drink more than two. Do you? I don’t. I could if you… I… You will? I’ll have one, yeah. We’re gonna fuck. Yeah, we’re gonna fuck. Bring a third.” So, she brings the third. As I’m taking a sip, he’s like, “Anyway, my girlfriend…” I’m like, “Pfft! Your fucking what? What kind of shit is this?” I don’t say that, but… No, I act interested. I’m like, “Tell me about your girlfriend?” And… Nothing wrong hanging out with a woman if you have girlfriend. Absolutely nothing. I have tons of male friends. But that’s it, the door is shut. Thank you, I have male friends. I don’t need any more. I don’t need any more. I have plenty, right? I didn’t understand what his angle was. I said, “Does your girlfriend get upset that you go out with women?” He goes, “Oh, no, she knows I love women. I’m a male feminist.” I go, “‘I’m a male feminist.’ Thanks so much for being on our side, male fucking…” If I wanna fucking drink wine with a feminist, I’ll stay home by myself and I might even get laid. I… And my fingers do not have billions and billions of sperm. I started to figure it out, like, “I see how life is different. I see how it’s different.” Back in the day, men would marry the woman that cooks and cleans and has the babies and he starts to look at her more like a mother. So, he needs to get sex on the side. Now, men are smart. They live with the sex and they want the brains on the side. Well, me and all the other women are not gonna be your mind whores, dude, all right? You’re not gonna finger her then come out, have a drink with me and talk about documentaries until midnight, you pig! Thank you. So… we’re not friends anymore, but I really… I know it sounds like I hate men. I really don’t. I love men and I look at them the way I look at children, which is like, “Oh, my God, for people who don’t know what you’re doing, you have so much energy about it, you know.” But… the… The one… The one area that is really cool, I like that people say they’re feminist, and it’s like, you know, white people can say they identify for Black Lives Matter, and men can say they’re feminist. It’s really cool. There’s one area, though that I don’t know why we can’t nip this, it would be so quick and easy to do, is street harassment. It is still a thing that we are shouting at some men to understand, you know, that it is a really serious scary thing. And I feel like if you’re going to yell out of your car at a woman, commit to it. Get an old-timey car with a horn that’s like, “Aooga!” It’s so stupid. So, you know, mo… All of my guy friends are not idiots, they do not act this way, but I found out one of my friends who I respect does this. I’m like, “You street harass?” “It’s not harassment, it’s a compliment.” And I go, “What kind of things do you do?” “I’ve yelled, ‘Nice tits.'” “You yell ‘Nice tits’ at a woman?” He goes, “Her tits were nice.” “I understand the inspiration behind that, I’m just… You can’t do that to us. It’s… It’s… It’s scary.” He goes, “What’s scary about ‘Nice tits’?” I go, “Well…” He goes, “It’s a compliment.” I go, “I get it. Let me take this apart. I get on its face that ‘nice tits, ‘ dictionary, technically a compliment, yes. But we don’t know, if we don’t respond the way that you want us to respond, or if we don’t respond at all, ‘nice tits’ can be followed up with, ‘Fuck you, bitch, ‘ and then we get scared.” And my friend goes, “Oh, I got it. What if I just yell ‘nice tits’ but don’t yell ‘fuck you, bitch’ after?” I’m like, “No, but we don’t… We don’t know. We don’t know. ‘Nice tits… ‘” Compliments and murder both start with compliments. So, we don’t know. We don’t know. We don’t know when someone says “nice tits” if it’s just, beep, beep, “Nice tits, bye,” and they drive off, or if it’s gonna be like, “Nice tits” stop the car and like, ‘”Nice tits. So nice. Gonna chop them up, put them in a blender. Then I’m gonna put them in a freezer and make tits pops. Tits, tits, tits.'” We don’t know. So, my friend goes, “What should I say?” I go, “Just say nothing. Say no words. Say no words.” He goes, “That’s my free speech. That’s free speech. You can’t do that.” I go, “It’s not… Whatever free speech means. But, okay, fine, free speech. I didn’t say you couldn’t say ‘nice tits, ‘ I said, please don’t yell it to us. So, maybe if you’re driving by a woman who has nice tits, you roll up your window and smash your face against the glass and just go, ‘Nice tits.’ You could do that. Or see a woman with nice tits and call a friend and go, ‘Nice tits, nice tits, I see nice tits. Okay. Nice tits.’ Or if you have the time, veer off the road, go into a field, get on your knees and let God know. ‘Nice tits!'” My friend and I could not come to any agreement on this. And so, I was like, “Maybe he’s right.” If we just yell, “No, no, no,” guys just hear their mothers: So, we can’t just say, “Don’t say this, don’t…” Maybe there’s a middle ground. Maybe there’s something you can say. I don’t know what it is. But I had an experience recently that gave me kind of an idea. So, I was in North Carolina and I was walking by myself. And I was on the side of the road and it was dusk. And a white guy in a truck… drove by. And then he stopped… and he pulled back… and he just stared at me out the window. And I was like, “Oh, fuck.” Because if you’re a woman or not white or gay and you’re walking alone in the South and a white guy in a truck pulls up, you know in 20 minutes there’s gonna be candles and flowers right where you were standing, right? That’s… Yeah. Guy rolls down his window and goes, “Excuse me, ma’am. You mind if I say something real creepy to you?” And like an idiot, I walk up to the truck. “Okay.” And then I get mad and I think of… I take a minute and think of all the women from real… Real severe street harassment, acid in the face to just little infractions like “nice tits,” and I’m like, “No. No, you cannot say something creepy.” I go, “No, you cannot and fuck you.” I start walking away proud of myself and realize, “I look crazy.” That’s what happens, is if you’re talking to a girl in a bar and it’s going well and after a minute she’s just like, “Fuck you!” “What did I do?” “Nothing.” But we’re taught to be polite and so, we’re holding it in. All we have to say is, “I don’t feel like talking.” But we talk and we’re like, “Eat shit!” And you’re very confused. And so… We have to get better at that. And so, anyway… he goes, “Ma’am, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry. I…” I just wanted to say I love your boots. That’s it, I love your boots. I was wearing big, black platform boots, he goes: “I’m a married man. I’m not trying to pick you up. I’ve never noticed fashion in my life. Well, I have one more question.” “Here comes a creepy question.” I go, “What?” He goes, “Are they comfortable?” “Yeah.” “That’s a win-win for you, ain’t it?” I’m like: And he said, “Thank you. Thank you for letting me give you that compliment. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t.” And then he drove off. I was like, “He couldn’t have lived with himself if he didn’t give me that compliment.” That is so dramatic. And again, it is hard for men in the world. We must be kind to them. And so… But part of me is evil and I was like: “God, it would’ve been great if I didn’t let him compliment me.” Somehow I got to see the rest of his life played out, that deep regret, you know. It’s just like some kind of play set in the South and he’s just at home every night and he’s like: “I’m not hungry tonight, Martha.” She’s like, “Henry, I made your favorite. Two nights and you haven’t eaten it. You’re all bones. “Are you cheating on me, Henry?” “No, Martha, it’s not about sex. Sometimes things are about… fashion. Son, if you ever get the chance to compliment a woman and don’t take it, you might not be able to live with yourself. Listen to your daddy.” He’s on his death bed, his father is like, “Son, any more wisdom before you go?” And he’s just like, “Black boots,” and then he dies. No one knows what he means. His wife never understood. “Black boots? I know what that means. His daddy was in the war. His daddy wore black boots. He wants to wear his daddy’s boots in his coffin.” And he doesn’t. She’s shoving the daddy’s boots on his corpse feet. And he’s up in heaven, like, “That’s not the black boots I meant. I like women’s shoes. That’s right, Jesus, I like women’s shoes. I can be myself up here.” So… that’s when I started to think. The compliment, if you must yell at us, yell about our outfit, not our bodies. We don’t wanna think about the fact we have a body every five minutes, and you make us think about it all the time, and we don’t want to. You know that feeling when you just have keys and your phone and you feel so free? We’d love to feel that way at the bank, but can’t take our tits and vagina and leave them on the table. So, we’ve got to take these things even at 8:30 in the morning. We’re like, “Oh, God, everyone’s looking.” And, you know… And if someone is like: “Nice ass,” but we don’t feel good, we’re like, “Is that sarcastic?” It’s a whole mind fuck, right? But if you just compliment clothes, we can all get along, right? If you wanna street harass us and you drive by and you’re like, “Sweetheart. Hey, honey… that little bow matches that detail in your shoes. That is not lost on me, baby. I love a good accessory. I hope you’re going to dinner tonight. Doesn’t have to be with a man, could be by yourself. You seem unafraid. I like that. You’re walking with your job and your freedom. And I’m not threatened by that at all. I don’t have to man-splain to you. I’m just letting you know that a plaid and a polka dot can sometimes match. You go, toots.” Thank you guys so much. You’ve been amazing. Thanks again. JKL. Jennifer. – Oh! – Sweetheart. – Hi. – Lovely to see you. – You looked so gorgeous up there. – Mom. Oh, thank you. – Jennifer, what’s all this food? – Oh, that’s part of my rider. – What’s a rider? – It’s like, you know, food they bring backstage. Part of your budget. – You like the show? – They take this out of your pay? This is wasteful. Jennifer, you’re not good with money. It’s not my money. Didn’t like the show or anything or…? Oh, my God. No. Mom, Dad, get out, we’re filming. We’re filming. Cut. – Jennifer, who is this? – Filming what? – This is my real family. – Still speeding. – We can still roll on this? – Why would you do this? Why would you hire people to play us? We’re here. Well, that’s you. It’s already done. She doesn’t look like me. I have blond hair. She has gray hair. And I’m not Oriental, Jen. Oh, my God, Dad, don’t… That’s racist. You’re… I’m Japanese. Oh, Jennifer’s best friend at school was Japanese and she taught Jennifer how to say the word “hello.” – “Konichiwa.” – Konichiwa. But it doesn’t matter. Konichiwa to you. Listen, these are actors hired to represent the character of Jen Kirkman, right? That make it better? What? There’s no character based on your sister, Gail? Okay, Gail, I would’ve put you in it, but you told me when I used to have that joke about how you got caught smoking pot, you said: “Don’t put me in your act anymore.” So, I do not say anything about you anymore out of respect. Jen, you just told that story again… on camera. That’s what she does, she talks about everybody. She called Dad a racist. – He said, “Oriental.” – Maybe we can take a break. Yeah. Where’s the pizza? Did you get any pizza? No, I didn’t get any pizza. I just did a show. And I’m sorry, there’s no part for you, and the reason is not because I didn’t think you’d be good, but you’d make a scene. It’s happening. You’re making a scene. I’m not all comfortable. I’m really not comfortable. – You’re not comfortable? How do we feel? – Jen, why do you ruin everything? – Yeah. Jeez, you know. – I know a great place, guys. – You do? – We should just leave. – Just forget about her. – Were you in the audience, – because I didn’t see you out there. – Yeah. Can we use any of that? Can we use any of that because my parents just ruined my Netflix special and it was kind of fucking awesome. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-beer-hall-putsch-transcript/ | Doug Stanhope: Beer Hall Putsch (2013) – Transcript | doug stanhope | Recorded live at Dante’s in Portland, Oregon We are downstairs in the Dante’s green room in Portland, Oregon, shortly before we start taping the new special, beer hall putsch. What’s a putsch? Beer hall putsch. What’s that? It was Hitler’s early failed attempt At overthrowing the German government in ’24, where he’d work everyone up into a lather in the beer hall with 1,500 people screaming about the government. He got them all to race out into the streets and, “we’re going to take this shit over.” And then a few people got killed, So he ran like a pussy. Because this is, like, ground zero of when we branched out to do our own thing, and it’s really cool-looking. We can’t really play here because we have too big of a draw. So it’s nice to be able to film here. It’s dark. It’s creepy. It has a history with us. It’s just… It has a good feel. And I fucking hate doing theaters. I wish all comedy specials were filmed in fucking 75-seaters, like old Lenny Bruce. Smoky room, low ceiling. This one’s not real low ceiling, but it’s got the feel. Let’s go drink. Some people say, “yeah. I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” You go, “okay.” But that means you have to have a good time to have a good time. How do you pull that off? Just assume the universe knows it’s your Friday so some organic good time will swell out of the woodwork and appear at a certain time. You read the weekly and find the editor’s best bet and you email all your dumb friends in their cubicles, “let’s meet up. “We found a local eatery that’s well reviewed. “It has vegan options for Sheila. We’ll meet there at 7:40.” “Where is Sheila? She’s late. “Our sober good time starts in 40 minutes. “Call her on her cell phone. Maybe we can order for her “because we don’t want to be late for our sober good time. It starts in…” Maybe you came here tonight to have a good time without drinking. That means you’re solely reliant on me being funny, which is a 50/50 shot at best in these waning years of my career. If I suck, you’re fucked. All that sober good-time planning and the mapquesting and the finding the parking. And then I just… I was off. I was too fucked up that night, and I… Now the blame’s on you. I don’t take those chances. I drink to have a good time. It’s a failsafe. I take whatever mundane shit I was doing anyway, and I just start pouring booze on top of it. And within a short amount of time, it’s fantastic. I’m talking to some shingle salesman in an airport bar, and he’s showing me pictures of his dogs on his cell phone camera. “And that’s miss patsy and this is patriot. I call him patriot because I got him at 9/11 and…” Within five drinks, that guy’s hilarious to me. I’m hugging that guy on the way to his gate. I’m swapping phone numbers. I have a problem? No, lady. I have a solution. You have a problem… With your sober good time. I’ll feel like shit in the morning, but I’ll know exactly why… Because I got hammered. You wake up, you feel like shit, you worry. “Did I forget to take my omega-3s? “My glands are swollen. “Did I touch a toilet handle without sanitizing? I’m not sure exactly.” Well, you should have been drunk. And you just… you wake up and go, “fuck. It’ll go away by the afternoon.” I did stop drinking Jagermeister as though it were some, like, miraculous life choice. I bragged to people when I stopped drinking Jagermeister, like I’m doing bikram yoga now and eating tofu. I’m still hammered all the time, But it’s not jager, which is just a shitty drink. At some point, I saw a clip of myself on stage yelling at the bar, drunk, “hey, can I get a shot of Jagermeister?” But I could see me. Like, in my head, I’m young. But then I saw I’m just an old fucking dude. And just the word Jagermeister coming out of your mouth is some desperate cry to be young again. And it’s like the old guy’s a silver-haired fox, but he still has two hoop earrings. And he’s like, “hey, ladies.” Don’t be that fucking dude. Just drink something clear. ‘Cause… Jake LaMotta, the fighter, is a neighbor of ours in Bisbee, Arizona. He lives two blocks down. If you don’t know Jake LaMotta, he was a fighter, a legendary fighter. The movie Raging Bull. Yes. No? Yeah? Robert De Niro. For you 22-year-olds, let me explain. Robert De Niro used to be an actor in the moving pictures. Yeah. One of his greatest roles was that playing Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull. It was a real guy that’s our neighbor. And we never met him till, last year, A mutual friend brought him to the house to watch football. And we’re wicked excited. Like, fucking Jake LaMotta ‘s coming here. And they brought him over. He’s like 91. There’s no Jake LaMotta left of the Jake LaMotta. So we’re all, like, happy. And they bring him in, and we’re like, “” like, for a boxer, my age they’re fucked up, and he’s twice that. So they bring him in. He’s fucking up… They have him by one elbow, 91 years old. And they plop it on the couch like an eggplant. And we’re like, “Jake LaMotta ‘s here.” And he’s got a trophy wife who’s 30 years his junior, which means she’s still in her 60s, so… The trophy is a bit tarnished at this point. It’s no Stanley cup anymore. It’s more of a bowling trophy. And she’s a very sweet woman. She has all the characteristics of trophy wife. She has bleached blonde hair, And the 60-year-old tit job is forced up so the good parts are showing through the top. And you go… okay. And she’s very sweet. And she’s trying to distract from… Jake LaMotta doesn’t know where he is. He doesn’t know he’s watching football. He’s confused on the couch. The only time he showed any cognitive recognition of his surroundings… I saw him scrambling with his cigarettes And fumbling and looking to the door like, “who will walk me out so I can smoke?” And I said, “it’s okay, Jake. You can smoke in the house.” And he went, that’s how fucking deep cigarettes get you. Nothing else. He said, “” then straight back to confusion. So his wife is very sweet. And she’s talking to me and bingo. “I can’t believe we’ve lived here so long, And we’ve never met. And it’s so nice.” And at some point, she says, “you know, Jake and I “are doing a play on Saturday night “at the central school in old Bisbee. “We’d love it if you’d come. I wrote it myself,” she says. Really? All by your little lonely? That fucking half-cadaver on my couch didn’t chime in with some of his great ideas of how the script should be written for the arc of the story? And normally you would have to stun gun me, cattle prod me to get me into a play. I’m not interested… until I spend an hour and a half with Jake LaMotta at my house. That’s gonna be live on stage? I’m not missing this for the world. And we went, and it lived up to every awful expectation that we had. It was so tragic. She wrote it herself. It’s called Lady and the Champ. And she wrote it, so thank god it’s mostly her. And she has an acoustic guitar, So she’ll tell some stories and anecdotes and then sing some show tune kind of things. ♪ In the corner stands a boxer and a fighter by his ♪ And you’re like, “god.” And then they plop the champ out on the other side of the stage in a chair. And they sit him down. He still has no idea where he is. He still thinks he’s watching football at my house. And his only job is to pepper the script with some one-liners and some shadow boxing. So occasionally, he stands up,” “I fought Sugar Ray so many times, I got diabetes.” Which is not a bad line for a fucking 91-year-old boxer, except the champ forgets he already did the line. So moments later, he stands back up, “I fought…” in the middle of a song, “I fought Sugar Ray.” And they have to come out. They can’t stage whisper to him because he’s deaf as a stump. So they physically have to come out and push him back down in his chair and yell at him, “not yet, champ! Wait till the end of the number, and then you do the… Okay? All right.” And we’re in the back of the room fucking dying. Like it’s quiet, we’re having to bite our hands like children in church trying not to giggle. And… it was like seeing if Mr. Schiavo brought Terri Schiavo on the road as a song and dance act. ♪ Hello, my honey, hello, my baby ♪
♪ hello, my ragtime ♪ “Thank you! Terri and I will be “selling merchandise after the show. Terri will lick your t-shirts for you to personalize them as a little souvenir of the great time we had tonight here.” And as much as I’m enjoying it for all the worst reasons, there’s part of my head going, “all right. How long before that’s you?” How many… I’ve been doing this shit 23 years. How long? I’ve taken a lot of shots to the head, Just like the champ. How long before that final synapse in my brain burns out that would have told me, “don’t do this anymore. You’re embarrassing yourself thoroughly.” But I have my trophy wife, bingo. She doesn’t want to get a real job, So she’s just shoving me out on the stage. “Go get ’em, champ.” “Jagermeister! Maybe it already happened. I don’t know. Maybe I’m… maybe this is being filmed to… “don’t do this anymore.” I live every day of my life Like it’s my last day on earth, kids. And I really… Don’t clap. You don’t know how I live. That makes it even more sad and pathetic that I would willingly choose to spend any given last day on earth immobilized on a couch, sweating, watching a marathon of storage wars, completely content with that. Friends going, “come on. Let’s do something, man. “Let’s go out. I came all the way down. Let’s go live life.” You’re like, “fuck you. I ain’t getting up. “I’ve had to piss for the last four episodes. “My prostate is welded shut like a lug nut. “And I don’t give a shit. I’m not getting up. “I got to find out what’s in that safe. “Very important to find out after the commercial break what could possibly be in that safe.” You guys all have interests and you do shit. And I don’t. Yeah. Try doing nothing as long as me. I have “house arrest” on my bucket list just so I have an excuse for why I can’t go do the dumb shit you like that I don’t understand. “I’m sorry. I’d love to see your friend “play the flamenco guitar, but I got the anklet. Sorry.” Go right back to watching fucking hoarders. I watch hoarders. I see shit I need. I do. Like they brought the yard sale into my living room And I just poke around. I’m not following the dialog. I’m just looking at their shit. “Bingo, they have an orange microwave. “Rewind it. Pause. “That’s an orange mic… “how do you get an orange microwave? “Underneath the stack of the newspapers and the mummified cat is an orange microwave. “Find it on Amazon. That might fill the void in my soul. Orange.” Because that’s… I don’t even drunk dial people anymore because I have nothing to say. But I drunk eBay and Amazon. I buy shit when I’m blacked out. Which is… Ebay is the worst, because if I get outbid, then I take it personal when I’m drinking. Like you just fucking looked at my girlfriend weird. “Outbid me? I’m going to fucking outbid you. Yeah, I’ll wait. I’ll wait. “Come on. Do it. Outbid me? “Outbid you! Because you probably have kids. “I don’t. I don’t have a lot of money, but every penny I have is disposable because I don’t have children. I bought a shitty, cheap house On the Mexican border. My nut is 800 bucks a year in property tax. I could beg that. You? You’re gonna outbid me, eventually you’re gonna realize, “‘shit, my children have to go to college,’ and I’m gonna realize, ‘shit. “‘I need a vintage pachinko machine in my house for some unknown reason.’ “outbid you. You lose. I’m a giant winner… Somehow.” Way worse than drunk dialing, because drunk buying shit, you don’t even remember you did it For five to seven business days. You walk out of your house, and ups is building some corrugated great wall of China outside. Like, “what did I do now? “What did you get yourself this time, “Mr. Christmas in July? Miracle socks, as seen on TV.” Actual purchase. I don’t have circulation problems, But evidently when I drink on Ambien, that’s some underlying fear I didn’t even know I had, is deep vein thrombosis. “I’m going to die. Maybe that’s why I never work Australia. That long flight could kill me with deep vein thrombosis.” I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it. Just come on. I beat cancer. I never had it. That’s how I beat it. Like I’ve… You survived it? I beat the fuck out of it, but by not getting it. I’ve courted cancer every day of my life. I have done everything but fucking paid cancer’s taxi fare to my hotel. Won’t show up. That’s beating it. You survived it, you’re like tied. I get the number one seed in the bracket over you, survivor. I’m a winner. But there is an afterlife, and if I can give you any hope in this show, I have definitive proof of an afterlife. I didn’t get weird or go religious on you. I’m not saying there’s a god. I don’t know what the afterlife entails, but here’s the proof. My mother killed herself in 2008. Don’t worry. This is a fun story. It was the best death you could ever be part of. She was dying of emphysema at 63. Her brain was still with it, but her… She was drowning in her own fluids. She’s being permanently water boarded by 45 years of Kool milds. She can’t take it anymore. We knew it was gonna happen. When she made the call, “I can’t do it.” I’m like, “all right, ma. We’ll do what we can.” I’m like, “all right. Ma’s gonna kill herself.” I don’t know what to do. Like that’s… Okay, we know it’s gonna happen, But when you say, “we’re gonna do it,” I’m not gonna go buy you a fucking shotgun. Like, “have fun, ma.” So I don’t know what to do. I don’t kill people. It’s just… It’s not something, like, I fantasize about it. If my mother were Nancy Grace, I’d have been all over it. Like I have plans. But my mother was a great person, so I’m like, “how do we do this right?” So I called my lawyer. I have three lawyers. We have… Like, we’re jewed up big with lawyers in L.A. for this shit, all the camera people and recording contracts. Then I have my local Bisbee attorney that helps me with… like, I got married when I was 20 and I had 24 years of marital bliss, till I remembered, “fuck. I never divorced that girl I drunkenly married in Vegas.” That’s for another DVD. So he… But then we have our third lawyer, who’s a comedy fan. He’s our, like wink-wink, nudge-nudge, Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad attorney. That he handles all the creepy shit, like when me and Andy are up late at night doing blow and thinking of… “call Kirschner. “See how much jail time we could… Could we go to prison if we actually did this?” He’s that guy. So I called him, knowing he’d hook me up with a doctor on the down low, as we say in the black community, as a black person. He gave me the number to a doctor. And I go, “hey, my mother’s gonna cash out, and I don’t know what to do.” He said, “what do you have?” I go, “I’ve got Xanax out the ass.” On the border, you can get all the fucking Xanax you want. He’s like, “that’s no good. That’s anti-anxiety. Does she have hospice care?” “Yeah, she does.” “Then she should have morphine.” “Ma, you got morphine?” “Yeah, I got morphine.” “All right. She’s got morphine.” We worked out the dosages and the milligrams. And he goes, “if she has 30 of those, That’s enough to kill any human being on the planet.” She had fucking 90. Like, “okay. We’re good. Okay.” “We never talked. Remember that.” “Okay, doc.” So I’m like, “all right, we’re gonna do this. First of all, bring her to my house.” Because she lived in 300 square feet of hoarder paradise. Old electric bills with spider webs all crammed… Like it’s depressing enough if you’re gonna help your mother kill herself. But we’re gonna go to my house. We’ll tidy up, we’ll… So we set her up with a hospital bed in the living room. She had been aa off and on for my whole life. She had, at this point, been four years sober. And I’m like, “you’re not gonna kill yourself sober, right? You can’t take those chips with you.” Right? She’s like, “yeah. You’re right. Why would I do that? That’s dumb.” So she… In her heyday, She was a Black Russian drinker, So I set out a mini bottle of Ketel one and a mini bottle of Kahlua with her pills. “For whenever you’re ready. Let me know.” We laid down ground rules. I said, “ma, if you’re gonna kill yourself, seriously, “you can’t do it on Sunday or Monday “because that’s football, and that’s a dick move. “If you can call your own time to leave this planet, “don’t do it during someone else’s planned event. Don’t be an asshole.” And she did it the Saturday before football. That was great. She came in on Thursday. Saturday night, she goes, “it’s time.” And I’m like, “time for what? Like medication?” “No, it’s time.” And like, “fuck. This is real.” So I wake up bingo. Like it’s going on. We start mixing up White Russians. She decided to make Black Russians White Russians Because she thought the milk would coat her belly better for taking all the pills. Like mother till the end. “Do you have whole milk?” “I got skim.” “Skim’ll work. “I just don’t want to throw up the pills. Chicken soup for the suicide.” It was so fucking… It was so sweet. So we’re whipping up drinks and… I didn’t so much assist a suicide as bar back it. Like, I’m in there mixing drinks Because we’re all drinking. We watch Bad Santa together, her favorite movie, together. She had a very dark sense of humor. I didn’t come from nowhere. My mother used to review porn on the man show. She was fucking dark like us. So we watched Bad Santa, and she’s trying to choke down these pills. She had a very hard time taking pills. So she’s just gagging and just getting them down. So I’m keeping a vague count. When she got around 30, a little over, I’m like, “ma, that’s good. You don’t need to do anymore. You’re fine.” And she said, “I don’t want to take any chances.” She was so scared of fucking up. She took all 90 morphine. The… We’re sitting there in horror, going, “you’re wasting… Ma… “They said 30 of those would kill any human being alive. “You could leave 60 of them for me and bingo “as our only inheritance other than the last 17-year-old blind cat you have, Georgia.” Yeah, we could have 60 morphines to have spontaneous memorials For mother every year and again.” “Remember mom? Pop a morphine. “Whoo! What a great lady. What a crazy old bitch.” No. Hoarder till the end. All fucking 90. And then we fucked with her. I remember her last words as she’s coming in and out. Because we’re just goofing on her as she’s doing this, as she’s fading in and out. I didn’t even know if she would respond. She was just hammering cocktails, she… And she’s laying there, half in, half out, with a White Russian on her chest that she’d occasionally get to her mouth, and it’d spill. You know when you come off the wagon, You hit it fucking hard. And it’s pretty bad when you’re trying to keep up drinking with an 83-pound, 63-year-old woman. “Aagh.” And I go, “wow. You’re really knocking those back, ma.” And she goes, “there’s times to be dainty, and there’s times to be a pig.” And we all laughed. And this is mother’s problem throughout her life. She was a funny lady, sporadically. But when she would get a laugh, she would just hammer it and over-tag it and repeat the joke. Like, just keep… “I can keep getting a laugh off the same joke.” And it would ruin the joke. And when we all laughed at “there’s times to be a pig,” I saw her go into… She’s gonna… and I go, “shut your fucking mouth. Those are perfect last words. You’re not gonna ruin this joke. Cut the mic on mother.” And then we just roasted her as she fell in and out. We just did a friar’s club roast, making fun of her and making it a fun, dark suicide. “Ma, wait. They found a cure.” “I love you, but fuck you. I was a bad mother. I love you, I love you.” At one point, I remember I said, “ma, if there’s any kind of white light situation, “that other side that you get to, “if you can communicate with us Houdini-style, “see if there’s any way that you can make the saints “cover eight points at Oakland tomorrow because I have money on the game.” And they did. The saints fucking blew them out… October 12, 2008. The saints won 34 to 3. I’m not saying that’s proof of an afterlife. That was just 40 bucks that I won. Proof of the afterlife is this. If there were no afterlife, how could my mother have bought me and my friends so many nice things from the skymall catalog on her credit card four days after she passed from this earth? Answer me that, your honor. Answer me that. In fact, I’d like to enter these credit card receipts into evidence, against the advice of my attorney. “Look at that. Four days. “I had to swear on your Bible “just to testify in my own defense. “Your silly fake Jesus only lasted three days “before he ran out of that cave like a pussy. “My mother? Four days, relaxing up there. She’s drunk eBaying like I do!” That last piece of that story has special meaning to me because in my entire career, that’s the only chunk of material I’ve ever had that had a statute of limitations before I could comfortably tell it on stage. Three-year statute for credit card fraud. After that, fuck you. Mother didn’t want some silly gravestone. That doesn’t do anything. Mother wanted me to have a voice-activated remote control R2-D2 doll. I’m just saying we all occupy in our own way. You occupy your fucking filthy Portland hippie selves because you hate the 1% and you hate the banks because of their predatory-lending practices against the people, and enslave them in a lifetime of debt. What’d you do about it? You stunk up a park for almost a year. I occupy far more efficiently. Maybe you should look to me for leadership. I hate the banks as well, as we all do. How did I fuck them? I spent three hours jacking up Mother’s chase bank visa card after she’s dead up to its $10,000 limit, buying dumb shit that no one needs and sticking them with the bill because she had no estate except for that blind, fucking last cat. If you want to repo that, have at it. That actually caused damage to the bank. Not sitting around with a dog with a kerchief and a cardboard sign, “doo doo doo doo,” slapping on drums in a drum circle. The fucking occupy movement was such a letdown because you seemed like me. Angry, and we’re gonna take to the streets. And, holy shit, around the globe, people are, “fuck this. We’re gonna do something.” And what did you do? You fucked up a park. All you fucked up in a year is some guy’s day who wanted to throw a frisbee for his dog, but he couldn’t because you’re all camped out there. You hate the banks? Don’t fuck up the park. Fuck up the bank. Who’s in charge of this project? Next time, me! “We don’t really have leadership.” You needed some! You have 500 angry people in a park. Go break them up into squads of 20. You can fuck up every branch of bank of America in a 50-mile radius. Go there, and not as anarchists, either. Throwing bricks through the windows? What are you, a fucking teenager? Have some ingenuity. You line up as customers at 8:00 in the morning. They only have two desks to do actual commerce other than cashing checks and shit. You clog up those two desks as bogus customers. Sit down, cross your legs, apply for frivolous loans all day long. That’s a lot of paperwork for every frivolous, “yes, I need a billion dollars for an ant farm. “Sharpen some pencils. “That’s a big stack of paperwork. I’d love some coffee.” You comb your dreadlocks over to one side, put on your $3 salvation army suit, and you clog up all their time. “Or you could deny me the right to apply for the loan, “and then I sue the fuck out of you for discrimination, causing even more damage to your bottom line.” Rather than just sitting out there in a park Getting tear-gassed by cops. What does that do? What are you accomplishing? “I got it on tape. Police abuse.” Yeah, police abuse people. That’s how it works. You’re never gonna win. Yeah. Well, you want to fight that, And eventually they’ll go, “it was justified.” “I was laying there. I’m paralyzed. I was face-down in the park. They tased me.” “Justified.” Yeah. Why aren’t you the cops? That’s a better idea. You had a fucking year in the park. The first week of occupy, you should have called everyone with no police record out, made them go apply to be police. You’d have had people that have gotten through the academy. They’re in the works now. They’re moles on your side. They’re sitting there in a riot helmet with a Bluetooth underneath the star wars helmet, calling you in the park, giving you heads-ups. “Hey, Kevin. “You might want to put on a gas mask around 7:45 A.M., you know what I’m saying?” “Thanks, Shane, but we’re already wearing gas masks “’cause we haven’t showered in 7 1/2 months, “and Angela’s snatch is really starting to reek up “the pup tent something ferocious. “But keep fighting the good fight. Power to the people!” Good Christ. You could have done so much with that. There’s a fucking million ways you could have been clever. That’s why I love WikiLeaks and anonymous, ’cause they’re actually in there. They’re fucking with the system. They’re not sitting around chanting and slapping bongos. Bradley Manning didn’t get to release all that information by sitting in a drum circle. He had to get inside. That’s why you should fucking read up on scientology. And I’m serious. Scientology is brilliant. Read this book inside scientology. It’s a breakdown of how that evil motherfucker created that religion in a modern time. Every other religion people believe in, you only believe in it because all your ancestry did. This guy had to create this and sell it to adults recently. It’s as stupid as any other religion, but how did he do it? How did he create this leviathan? Read this book inside scientology and apply those evil tactics to occupy, and you have a fucking winning recipe. You follow l. Ron Hubbard’s intimidation, infiltration, harassment, blackmail, complete abuse of the legal system, Where you just turn a cross-eyed stink look at scientology, and they’ll sue you into poverty. You use that for good. You know what l. Ron Hubbard didn’t have In his master plan for world domination? Drum circle! It doesn’t do anything! No one wants to hear that. It’s annoying as shit. You had enough time in a year to learn how to play real instruments. You could have had a whole New Orleans-style jazz swing band that people want to hear. But instead, what? I’m not against you. I appreciate the passion. I don’t know how anyone who has a cause in life where they put that much time and effort Into trying to change something… How do you pick one thing? How do you wake up in the morning and look at the billions of things that suck on this planet? You log into your Yahoo! News And it’s just countries you didn’t even know were countries Have problems you didn’t even know existed. How do you pick one sliver of that And decide, that’s the one. We have to print up t-shirts and have a car wash. I would be so confused. I want to make change. How do you pick something if it hasn’t affected you? Juvenile diabetes? Well, I don’t know, but I have Lots of free time during the day. I guess I should… wait. Spina bifida, and the guy’s right here, and he’s uncomfortable to look at. So maybe I’ll go with this guy’s cause. And clitoral circumcision in the third world? I know that gives me a handy excuse for not finding it, but that’s selfish, and I have to stop thinking about me. And as soon as you focus on one thing, here comes Sarah McLachlan on the TV with the skinny, sad puppies and the abused… “in the arms of an angel.” I don’t know why animals always seem to trump any human cause, but they do. And now you’re telling me about fucking corrective rape, which is some weird thing in South Africa, you know? Corrective rape is where they gang-rape lesbians to try to cure them, and I want to… I’m behind that, just to bring attention to it, ’cause the term “corrective rape” is such a good comedy reference that I demand a bigger laugh when I mention corrective rape, But no one knows about it. So, I want to bring attention to your cause. I just don’t know how you pick. If I had any cause over the course of my career that I’ve bitched the most about, It’s overpopulation, which is the root of most of the other problems you care about. Anti-children, but I don’t know where to send a check. I don’t know. Like, what do you do? The only solution that I’ve ever come up with, Which I think is great, but no one’s gotten on board, incentive-based eugenics. Eugenics was a practice of sterilizing people. Hitler got a lot of the credit for it, but it was actually done in this country long before Hitler even knew who he was mad at. We were practicing eugenics in this country. Eugenics was the practice of forced sterilization of undesirables, which sounds bad. And the way they did it was bad ’cause they would… First of all, the force is wrong. You don’t force people to do things they don’t want to do. And, “b,” who decides who’s undesirable? They were doing it in this country At the turn of the 20th century, Which is the 1900s, for a lot of my fans. Early 1900s. To criminals, perverts, which is way too vague, the mentally ill, mentally retarded, homosexuals, which makes perfect sense. We don’t want them breeding. Have little queers running all up and down like gremlins. But if you took away the force, And you just made it incentive-based for people willing to sterilize themselves. Offer up some white trash prizes. You know, Nascar pit pass, meet your favorite driver. All you’ve got to do is snip the sac. “Really?” Year’s supply of sunny delight. You want some sunny d, don’t you? All you got to do is putty up that front hole, lady. You still have two holes left to trick guys out of drinks at the bar. What do we got to do? “Are you telling me, if I cut off my balls, I’m going crossbow hunting with Ted Nugent?” Well, shit, yeah. “No. No, sir, sir, sir. Wait, no. “We don’t actually cut off your balls. We just make a small incision with a local anesthetic.” “Fuck you. I want you to cut off my whole balls. “I’m gonna hang them from my rear-view mirror “like a lucky rabbit’s foot. “I’m going crossbow hunting with the nuge. I ain’t never won nothing in my life.” That’s a workable plan. Can’t argue with that. It just won’t happen. Here’s what I think. If you’re behind whatever you’re behind, we should triage all charity. So we take the most important and most easily solved first. Everyone works on that, and we’ll get to yours eventually. I would start with starving people in a world full of food. That seems easy to solve. You don’t need scientists with lab reports and years, no. There’s lots of shitloads of food. There’s just a transit problem. Get someone from FedEx, get the food there. We live in a place, fucking horse meat is a scandal. They found horse meat. “How dare… my god. Have you heard? “There was horse meat in my frozen, processed lasagna meal. How dare they put a more lean and nutritional meat?” And now we’re gonna dump it by the warehousefuls in the garbage dumps, while people are starving to death on this planet. That makes no sense. I can solve that. Yeah. Take that food and feed the people that don’t have it. And then we get down to the next most important and the wrongly accused and the torture and the thing and the disease and… Occupy is lower, and then, save the manatees even lower than that. And eventually, hopefully, in a perfect world, we’d get down to the bottom, which is toys for tots. How fucking embarrassing is it to live in a country where toys for tots is an actual recognized, legitimate charity? God forbid little Daniel go through some bogus holiday made for some fake deity without Lincoln logs. The horror. The horror. That’s why they have to have marines and bikers enforce that shit like henchmen. ‘Cause otherwise, you’d just go, “fuck you. Toys? There’s starving people.” And then some big, fucking, crew-cut guy. “I fucking fought for your freedom! Give me a goddamned Lego for the kid!” It’s gonna be tough. Whatever your cause, your charity, or your drive, your effort, audit it. Make sure, ’cause so much of it is symbolism over substance, where people think they’re helping by doing nothing. Audit all the time and effort, and see if you’re actually affecting change rather than just, “we’re gonna have a 10k fun run for the cure. “Come on down on Sunday. It’s a 10k fun run for the cure.” Why? Why? When has running ever cured anything? I don’t understand the cause and effect on this. Is that how Jonas salk cured polio, is by speed-walking around the track down at St. Mary’s high school with a wife beater on and a paper number safety-pinned to his back? “We’re doing it for the cure.” How are you curing anything? “Well, what I do is I get sponsors. “And every time I go around the track another time, “my sponsor gives me another quarter for the cure. So I’ve got to go as many times as I…” Are your friends that sick and sadomasochistic that they wouldn’t just cut you a check outright for the cure? They make you do weird shit first? “Larry, you know my daughter was born with cerebral palsy. And we’re trying to get a big fundraiser going.” “Really?” “Yeah. “How many hard-boiled eggs will you eat? “Come on. Come on. You love your kid, right? Come on.” No, they would cut you a check outright, but you’re that much of a fucking megalomaniac that you have to make the cure about you. You need spotlight in this. You could just get a check, But no one’s gonna fucking be, “no. You know, the truth is, I do this same speed walk “at St. Mary’s every morning at 6:30 “before work with my labrador, Sheba. “Trying to shed a few pounds, you know. “But no one claps for me then and calls me heroic. “So I’m gonna do it on Sunday afternoon for the cure, And everyone’s gonna go, ‘go, ray, go!'” yeah, you could do it, but you want to fucking… It’s a 10k fun run about you, you fucking megalomaniac. Stop it. You know you’re not doing shit. You could just get the check from your friend And then actually do something That means something other than running. “We’re getting donations, and we’re petitioning city hall “for a spot in the park to make a big, granite slab “for the victims and the sufferers “and the survivors of the thing. “And then we’re gonna painstakingly etch each name of the people into the stone at great expense.” For what? It’s a fucking chunk of rock. It doesn’t help. Put that time and effort and money Into actually something that’s calculated that actually helps. “We’re gonna knit a SARS quilt. “It’s gonna take all summer long. “‘Cause there’s people with SARS, And they’re chilly with SARS, and they need a quilt.” What? “We’re gonna have a prayer circle. We’re gonna have a candlelight vigil at midnight.” Could you do less? Mathematically. Ask your accountant if there’s any way you could do any less than that. “Well, we are raising awareness.” Raising awareness is another form of doing nothing. Only now you’re making me aware that the nothing that I’ve been doing is not up to par with the nothing that you’re doing For such a noble cause. Why don’t you do my nothing for your cause? We’ll watch storage wars for the cure, and then we’ll both be happy in our impotence. And we’ll find out what’s in that safe. We all win. Raising awareness is me standing next to a drainage ditch where a guy just hit a goat with his moped on the highway. And now they’re in the ditch, Laying in the muck with compound fractures. And the dude’s got a bone sticking through his leg. And the fucking goat’s got a bone sticking through his fur. They’re both laying there in agony. And I’m raising awareness by standing above them, shouting down an empty highway, “look! Look! Eww! Eww, look. Ooh.” And they’re going, “no, help.” And I’m going, “no, no, no. Look!” It’s way easier to just look. Are you aware of breast cancer? Fucking the entire month of October is breast cancer awareness month. The entire country turns pink so you can’t not be aware. All your products, you go to the grocery store. “Usually I buy the progresso soup. “But this month, I’m gonna get the one with the pink ribbon, “so I know that I’ve done all I can to help my fellow man. “I don’t read the fine print that says, “.000001 cents of every can up to a very minimal amount goes to…” it actually goes nowhere near a titty, ever, at all. It goes to more promotional material Asking for more money and to give very dubious medical advice where a lot of titties get chopped off that didn’t need to because we’re an industry, not a charity anymore. I don’t read that part. I just see the pink ribbon and know that I’m helping. You’ve destroyed the color pink. There’s no need for that. I like the color pink, and you’ve ruined it. You see pink, that’s all you can think about. I have a pink bedroom. My bedroom is pink. I can’t sleep in it during October ’cause you just see the color, and all you think about Is giant, metastasizing titties sucking the life out of some poor woman. Why do you fuck up a color? Associate it with something else that’s negative. You know, “traffic and weather brought to you “at the top of the hour on fucking 620 am. “Hey, traffic sucks again. This is brought to you by breast cancer.” And that way, next time you’re stuck in traffic, You go, “wow. Fuck. “This sucks, but not as bad as cancer. Maybe I should try to help.” Don’t fuck up a color. Do you watch football? This is where it went too far with me. The national football league participates in breast cancer awareness month. First of all, why is it breast cancer awareness month rather than cancer awareness month? I assume if you cure breast cancer, that would cure ass cancer and face cancer and shit cancer. It’s cancer. ‘Cause titties sell tickets, stupid! Okay, I forget the marketing angle. Maybe you’re right on that. Still, the national football league participates with the pink gloves and just pink on the players. Where if you think football is stupid, you’re right. But it’s my stupid. You have your stupid. You can judge me in sports. You have your own stupid. You play World of Warcraft or you do renaissance festivals or you fucking win Brian Doyle Murray look-alike competitions or fucking do… You grow organic apples and sell them at the farmer’s market. You learn how to speak Italian on the Rosetta Stone so one day you can impress your friends by ordering in Italian at a restaurant and the fucking waiter at Olive Garden looks at you going, ‘I don’t know what you’re saying, dude.” Whatever you do, football is my stupid. That’s what I do for a few hours on a weekend in the fall to forget how much I hate myself. I don’t want to think about breast cancer while I’m watching football to get away from this. It’s hard enough to watch football as it is, if you’re a fan, without constantly thinking about AIDS. You have to push that out of your head. Inherently, if you’re a fan of the game, with the technology that they have now, you watch Monday night football or super bowl, they have cameras now that come down on cables right over the field, like right over the players’ heads, almost touching them. You have 60 inches of high definition. You have a camera panning around 11 men bent up in a huddle, presenting these beautiful, thick man-asses. And it’s zooming in on each one. And it creates this Bangkok whorehouse scenario in your brain. You feel a little tuggle in your sweatpants. And you’re like,” what if they were behind glass in Phuket?” Which one would I select for my evening’s entertainment from the Cambodian guy that runs the place, And he’s got an eye patch. And I go, “ching dai bo dah!” And he pulls the guy out. Number 28. I haven’t even seen all the guys, And I impulse-buy on 28. He’s a halfback with these sinewy horse haunches, leaning into me, and in my mind, before I can make a rational decision, I’ve already leaped over the railing at the field. I’m streaking butt-naked across the field, wearing nothing but a… Wearing an 1800s nightcap that’s striped with a pom-pom. I don’t know why that. But I’m wearing flip-flops ’cause they make you run funnier. But my dick is slapping up and down against my belly. You make you dick however big you want it to be. It’s your fantasy. Have your dick slapping your chest. Have your dick take a tooth out on the way to the huddle. It doesn’t matter. Just get to 28 and yank him out of the huddle and pin him to the ground. Hold him down with one elbow. Peel those… They wear these little lycra pants. They’re so fucking gorgeous. And you just peel them off him. And he’s sweaty. They’re just going to slide off like a wet band-aid. Don’t fuck with the jockstrap. It’s no obstacle to the asshole. You’ll waste your time. Plus, the little straps keep the ass cheek up and focused. Steam comes off his ass. Get your face in there. You huff that steam. You huff it like a gassy rag. Inhale his essence. And you peel those ass cheeks apart with your thumbnails like your cracking a cage-free, farm-fresh egg. And you take your dick. Don’t stab him with it right away. Tease him with it. Here we go. In and up, asshole to tailbone, people. Asshole to tailbone. Watch him struggle. He knows it’s gonna happen. He doesn’t know when. Asshole to tailbone. Pull on his face mask a bit. Twist his neck. Pull on his dreadlocks. And these are not occupy wall street dreadlocks, by the way. This is a black dude. This is straight up racism. This is a hate crime. Because you are pretty sure that your ex-wife used to fantasize about this guy doing similar shit to her. You knew it. Yeah. You want to do that to my wife? You’ll never get a thicker boner Than that angry, racist, jealousy boner. Veins are coming out of the head, And nothing makes you crazier than when you get that boner and you just jam it in him like a fat salamander and you ride. You do that porn angle, where you bend your dick down And do deep knee bends so you can look at the people. You have… 55,000 people are now out of their chairs, on their feet, chanting for you. They love you. They’re like, “fuck that guy! Fuck that guy!” This is his home field, and they’re on your side, all of a sudden. “Fuck that dude, yeah!” They’re spilling beer. You feel the rubber start to slide off of you, but you don’t give a shit. This is my day. They love me. I’m going to launch rainbows of cum into this broken motherfucker. And you do. You’re not even done coming when you pull out. Your dick’s just still fire-hosing, swaying back and forth, getting rid of the last of the spurts. And you have an end zone celebration dance that you’ve worked out in the hallway mirror all season. Little old-school ickey shuffle thing. And you spike the ball right next to his head. He’s blubbering, like, snot bubbles, and crying. He’s not even making an attempt to get up. His asshole is still dilated and spasming. His asshole is winking like a cyclops in a rainstorm, just trying to regain its original shape. One milky tear is dripping down the taint. It’s crying for you. And you float out of this perfect Sunday afternoon and this perfect daydream, back into the stark reality of, it’s just you with some bloated, post middle-age dude with… You’ve got lumps of yellowed gummy cum in your gut hair. And you look around. You feel immediate remorse and shame. I let the rubber come off inside of that guy. How irresponsible is that, knowing what we know today, to just bareback fuck a guy. I don’t know where that guy’s been. I know where he’s going. He’s going into free agency. He’s fucking 32 now. He’s got shit knees. He’s lucky if he’s warming a bench in Jacksonville. But I don’t know where he’s been. To just bareback fuck the guy. I could have fantasy aids as we speak, and I’m gonna do it again. And as you’re dealing with this, you want to escape. You look at the TV. Pink shoes. I have to think about breast cancer on top of this problem? You’re ruining the integrity of the game, breast cancer. This is what we do on Sundays to forget how much we hate ourselves. And I don’t… I hope I didn’t ruffle any feathers. But as an openly gay comedian, I feel a responsibility to talk about a lot of issues that… What, are you gonna test me? You don’t know if I’m lying. I can be as gay as I want to be up here. Fuck you. What, are you gonna strap me to a chair And blow loads in my face to see if I’m fibbing when I say I love it? I’m gay if it fucking… If it needs to be, I’m gay, I’m fucking gay. And you should be gay as… I come out of the closet all the time. It’s something fun for me. Do it all the time. I’m not saying lie to your friends and family Or lead a fake life. But if you’re just in some bullshit social situation around people you don’t know, if you can drop the errant, “I’m gay” in a conversation, not revelatory, like, “I have to tell you.” Just drop it as an aside. “Is it just you and your girlfriend for breakfast?” “That’s not my girlfriend. “I’m gay, but it’s just two of us. Is it a buffet or can I order off the menu?” Just drop in, just, if everyone was just someone… I guess they’re just gay. ‘Cause here’s the thing. I love homosexuality. I defend it. But I hate fagginess because it’s aesthetically unpleasing. The whole “la la la la la” shiny. You don’t have to do that. It’s the same… I have nothing against Jewish people. I hate jewiness. The clammy, “nyah, nyah, nyah. I get all… I’m allergic.” Personally, that’s unpleasing. I hate anyone who leads with their sexuality, homo or hetero. If I know your sexuality in the first 30 seconds of meeting you, You’re fucking annoying. Heteros are the same way. If you have naked lady mud flaps or you go, “after your show, you want to go to Hooters?” Or you just watch the game for the cheerleaders. Just go into a basement and jerk off, You fucking teenager, 13-year-old, And then come back when we can have a regular conversation. So, it’s not… That’s why I like to come out of the closet as just a normal dude. A guy on the plane going, “yeah, I remember “when stewardesses used to be hot. Now they’re all fat.” And you go, “yeah. I’m right with you, buddy. “I fucking… thank Christ I’m queer, ’cause they are fat as shit.” But just because maybe somewhere around you, when you just drop a normal “I’m gay” in a conversation, there is an adolescent kid who’s just coming to terms with the fact that he’s gay, and he’s fucking terrified, not only of just being gay. Maybe he thinks he has to be “jump out of the cake and ride a fucking float, assless chaps, ice capades” gay. And he hears you say it just like a normal dude, “I’m gay.” And he goes, “I can do that. “I can be just regular Anderson Cooper, Todd Glass, Joel Osteen f*ggot.” And you give them courage. And it’s in the supreme court now for gay marriage. And I hope you get it. Get the right to marry, and then don’t. It’s important to get the right, not just symbolically, but sometimes you have to be married to game the system. You need the insurance. You need the inheritance. You need to pull the plug. Maybe you just need to get someone cool into the country. So you need it for that. But don’t if you don’t have to. It’s kind of like the civil rights movement, where black people had to fight for the right to eat at the same lunch counter. Once you won that right, I hope you didn’t. Guy’s a fucking racist. Why would you support his business unless you’re just trying to fuck with him and show up just ’cause he doesn’t want you? Which I understand, and maybe that’s where you started not tipping. If so, every tradition has to start somewhere. Let’s just hope it was for a good cause. Have a great night, Dante’s, Portland. It was nice to be back. I’ll see you soon. Have a good night. So do you mind just coming back downstairs? Yeah. I just told them I would. Great. Sorry. We have another camera. No, that’s it. We said one camera. You want them to come back up too? Do you want them to follow you? What? Do you want… You just asked me to come back down the stairs. Yeah, do you want them to follow you Or do you want to just… They’ll just catch you. No, no. That’s fine. I was just confused. Yeah. Take two, I’m coming down the stairs. All right. Hi. That was a show brought to you by me. | Recorded live at Dante’s in Portland, Oregon We are downstairs in the Dante’s green room in Portland, Oregon, shortly before we start taping the new special, beer hall putsch. What’s a putsch? Beer hall putsch. What’s that? It was Hitler’s early failed attempt At overthrowing the German government in ’24, where he’d work everyone up into a lather in the beer hall with 1,500 people screaming about the government. He got them all to race out into the streets and, “we’re going to take this shit over.” And then a few people got killed, So he ran like a pussy. Because this is, like, ground zero of when we branched out to do our own thing, and it’s really cool-looking. We can’t really play here because we have too big of a draw. So it’s nice to be able to film here. It’s dark. It’s creepy. It has a history with us. It’s just… It has a good feel. And I fucking hate doing theaters. I wish all comedy specials were filmed in fucking 75-seaters, like old Lenny Bruce. Smoky room, low ceiling. This one’s not real low ceiling, but it’s got the feel. Let’s go drink. Some people say, “yeah. I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” You go, “okay.” But that means you have to have a good time to have a good time. How do you pull that off? Just assume the universe knows it’s your Friday so some organic good time will swell out of the woodwork and appear at a certain time. You read the weekly and find the editor’s best bet and you email all your dumb friends in their cubicles, “let’s meet up. “We found a local eatery that’s well reviewed. “It has vegan options for Sheila. We’ll meet there at 7:40.” “Where is Sheila? She’s late. “Our sober good time starts in 40 minutes. “Call her on her cell phone. Maybe we can order for her “because we don’t want to be late for our sober good time. It starts in…” Maybe you came here tonight to have a good time without drinking. That means you’re solely reliant on me being funny, which is a 50/50 shot at best in these waning years of my career. If I suck, you’re fucked. All that sober good-time planning and the mapquesting and the finding the parking. And then I just… I was off. I was too fucked up that night, and I… Now the blame’s on you. I don’t take those chances. I drink to have a good time. It’s a failsafe. I take whatever mundane shit I was doing anyway, and I just start pouring booze on top of it. And within a short amount of time, it’s fantastic. I’m talking to some shingle salesman in an airport bar, and he’s showing me pictures of his dogs on his cell phone camera. “And that’s miss patsy and this is patriot. I call him patriot because I got him at 9/11 and…” Within five drinks, that guy’s hilarious to me. I’m hugging that guy on the way to his gate. I’m swapping phone numbers. I have a problem? No, lady. I have a solution. You have a problem… With your sober good time. I’ll feel like shit in the morning, but I’ll know exactly why… Because I got hammered. You wake up, you feel like shit, you worry. “Did I forget to take my omega-3s? “My glands are swollen. “Did I touch a toilet handle without sanitizing? I’m not sure exactly.” Well, you should have been drunk. And you just… you wake up and go, “fuck. It’ll go away by the afternoon.” I did stop drinking Jagermeister as though it were some, like, miraculous life choice. I bragged to people when I stopped drinking Jagermeister, like I’m doing bikram yoga now and eating tofu. I’m still hammered all the time, But it’s not jager, which is just a shitty drink. At some point, I saw a clip of myself on stage yelling at the bar, drunk, “hey, can I get a shot of Jagermeister?” But I could see me. Like, in my head, I’m young. But then I saw I’m just an old fucking dude. And just the word Jagermeister coming out of your mouth is some desperate cry to be young again. And it’s like the old guy’s a silver-haired fox, but he still has two hoop earrings. And he’s like, “hey, ladies.” Don’t be that fucking dude. Just drink something clear. ‘Cause… Jake LaMotta, the fighter, is a neighbor of ours in Bisbee, Arizona. He lives two blocks down. If you don’t know Jake LaMotta, he was a fighter, a legendary fighter. The movie Raging Bull. Yes. No? Yeah? Robert De Niro. For you 22-year-olds, let me explain. Robert De Niro used to be an actor in the moving pictures. Yeah. One of his greatest roles was that playing Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull. It was a real guy that’s our neighbor. And we never met him till, last year, A mutual friend brought him to the house to watch football. And we’re wicked excited. Like, fucking Jake LaMotta ‘s coming here. And they brought him over. He’s like 91. There’s no Jake LaMotta left of the Jake LaMotta. So we’re all, like, happy. And they bring him in, and we’re like, “” like, for a boxer, my age they’re fucked up, and he’s twice that. So they bring him in. He’s fucking up… They have him by one elbow, 91 years old. And they plop it on the couch like an eggplant. And we’re like, “Jake LaMotta ‘s here.” And he’s got a trophy wife who’s 30 years his junior, which means she’s still in her 60s, so… The trophy is a bit tarnished at this point. It’s no Stanley cup anymore. It’s more of a bowling trophy. And she’s a very sweet woman. She has all the characteristics of trophy wife. She has bleached blonde hair, And the 60-year-old tit job is forced up so the good parts are showing through the top. And you go… okay. And she’s very sweet. And she’s trying to distract from… Jake LaMotta doesn’t know where he is. He doesn’t know he’s watching football. He’s confused on the couch. The only time he showed any cognitive recognition of his surroundings… I saw him scrambling with his cigarettes And fumbling and looking to the door like, “who will walk me out so I can smoke?” And I said, “it’s okay, Jake. You can smoke in the house.” And he went, that’s how fucking deep cigarettes get you. Nothing else. He said, “” then straight back to confusion. So his wife is very sweet. And she’s talking to me and bingo. “I can’t believe we’ve lived here so long, And we’ve never met. And it’s so nice.” And at some point, she says, “you know, Jake and I “are doing a play on Saturday night “at the central school in old Bisbee. “We’d love it if you’d come. I wrote it myself,” she says. Really? All by your little lonely? That fucking half-cadaver on my couch didn’t chime in with some of his great ideas of how the script should be written for the arc of the story? And normally you would have to stun gun me, cattle prod me to get me into a play. I’m not interested… until I spend an hour and a half with Jake LaMotta at my house. That’s gonna be live on stage? I’m not missing this for the world. And we went, and it lived up to every awful expectation that we had. It was so tragic. She wrote it herself. It’s called Lady and the Champ. And she wrote it, so thank god it’s mostly her. And she has an acoustic guitar, So she’ll tell some stories and anecdotes and then sing some show tune kind of things. ♪ In the corner stands a boxer and a fighter by his ♪ And you’re like, “god.” And then they plop the champ out on the other side of the stage in a chair. And they sit him down. He still has no idea where he is. He still thinks he’s watching football at my house. And his only job is to pepper the script with some one-liners and some shadow boxing. So occasionally, he stands up,” “I fought Sugar Ray so many times, I got diabetes.” Which is not a bad line for a fucking 91-year-old boxer, except the champ forgets he already did the line. So moments later, he stands back up, “I fought…” in the middle of a song, “I fought Sugar Ray.” And they have to come out. They can’t stage whisper to him because he’s deaf as a stump. So they physically have to come out and push him back down in his chair and yell at him, “not yet, champ! Wait till the end of the number, and then you do the… Okay? All right.” And we’re in the back of the room fucking dying. Like it’s quiet, we’re having to bite our hands like children in church trying not to giggle. And… it was like seeing if Mr. Schiavo brought Terri Schiavo on the road as a song and dance act. ♪ Hello, my honey, hello, my baby ♪ ♪ hello, my ragtime ♪ “Thank you! Terri and I will be “selling merchandise after the show. Terri will lick your t-shirts for you to personalize them as a little souvenir of the great time we had tonight here.” And as much as I’m enjoying it for all the worst reasons, there’s part of my head going, “all right. How long before that’s you?” How many… I’ve been doing this shit 23 years. How long? I’ve taken a lot of shots to the head, Just like the champ. How long before that final synapse in my brain burns out that would have told me, “don’t do this anymore. You’re embarrassing yourself thoroughly.” But I have my trophy wife, bingo. She doesn’t want to get a real job, So she’s just shoving me out on the stage. “Go get ’em, champ.” “Jagermeister! Maybe it already happened. I don’t know. Maybe I’m… maybe this is being filmed to… “don’t do this anymore.” I live every day of my life Like it’s my last day on earth, kids. And I really… Don’t clap. You don’t know how I live. That makes it even more sad and pathetic that I would willingly choose to spend any given last day on earth immobilized on a couch, sweating, watching a marathon of storage wars, completely content with that. Friends going, “come on. Let’s do something, man. “Let’s go out. I came all the way down. Let’s go live life.” You’re like, “fuck you. I ain’t getting up. “I’ve had to piss for the last four episodes. “My prostate is welded shut like a lug nut. “And I don’t give a shit. I’m not getting up. “I got to find out what’s in that safe. “Very important to find out after the commercial break what could possibly be in that safe.” You guys all have interests and you do shit. And I don’t. Yeah. Try doing nothing as long as me. I have “house arrest” on my bucket list just so I have an excuse for why I can’t go do the dumb shit you like that I don’t understand. “I’m sorry. I’d love to see your friend “play the flamenco guitar, but I got the anklet. Sorry.” Go right back to watching fucking hoarders. I watch hoarders. I see shit I need. I do. Like they brought the yard sale into my living room And I just poke around. I’m not following the dialog. I’m just looking at their shit. “Bingo, they have an orange microwave. “Rewind it. Pause. “That’s an orange mic… “how do you get an orange microwave? “Underneath the stack of the newspapers and the mummified cat is an orange microwave. “Find it on Amazon. That might fill the void in my soul. Orange.” Because that’s… I don’t even drunk dial people anymore because I have nothing to say. But I drunk eBay and Amazon. I buy shit when I’m blacked out. Which is… Ebay is the worst, because if I get outbid, then I take it personal when I’m drinking. Like you just fucking looked at my girlfriend weird. “Outbid me? I’m going to fucking outbid you. Yeah, I’ll wait. I’ll wait. “Come on. Do it. Outbid me? “Outbid you! Because you probably have kids. “I don’t. I don’t have a lot of money, but every penny I have is disposable because I don’t have children. I bought a shitty, cheap house On the Mexican border. My nut is 800 bucks a year in property tax. I could beg that. You? You’re gonna outbid me, eventually you’re gonna realize, “‘shit, my children have to go to college,’ and I’m gonna realize, ‘shit. “‘I need a vintage pachinko machine in my house for some unknown reason.’ “outbid you. You lose. I’m a giant winner… Somehow.” Way worse than drunk dialing, because drunk buying shit, you don’t even remember you did it For five to seven business days. You walk out of your house, and ups is building some corrugated great wall of China outside. Like, “what did I do now? “What did you get yourself this time, “Mr. Christmas in July? Miracle socks, as seen on TV.” Actual purchase. I don’t have circulation problems, But evidently when I drink on Ambien, that’s some underlying fear I didn’t even know I had, is deep vein thrombosis. “I’m going to die. Maybe that’s why I never work Australia. That long flight could kill me with deep vein thrombosis.” I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it. Just come on. I beat cancer. I never had it. That’s how I beat it. Like I’ve… You survived it? I beat the fuck out of it, but by not getting it. I’ve courted cancer every day of my life. I have done everything but fucking paid cancer’s taxi fare to my hotel. Won’t show up. That’s beating it. You survived it, you’re like tied. I get the number one seed in the bracket over you, survivor. I’m a winner. But there is an afterlife, and if I can give you any hope in this show, I have definitive proof of an afterlife. I didn’t get weird or go religious on you. I’m not saying there’s a god. I don’t know what the afterlife entails, but here’s the proof. My mother killed herself in 2008. Don’t worry. This is a fun story. It was the best death you could ever be part of. She was dying of emphysema at 63. Her brain was still with it, but her… She was drowning in her own fluids. She’s being permanently water boarded by 45 years of Kool milds. She can’t take it anymore. We knew it was gonna happen. When she made the call, “I can’t do it.” I’m like, “all right, ma. We’ll do what we can.” I’m like, “all right. Ma’s gonna kill herself.” I don’t know what to do. Like that’s… Okay, we know it’s gonna happen, But when you say, “we’re gonna do it,” I’m not gonna go buy you a fucking shotgun. Like, “have fun, ma.” So I don’t know what to do. I don’t kill people. It’s just… It’s not something, like, I fantasize about it. If my mother were Nancy Grace, I’d have been all over it. Like I have plans. But my mother was a great person, so I’m like, “how do we do this right?” So I called my lawyer. I have three lawyers. We have… Like, we’re jewed up big with lawyers in L.A. for this shit, all the camera people and recording contracts. Then I have my local Bisbee attorney that helps me with… like, I got married when I was 20 and I had 24 years of marital bliss, till I remembered, “fuck. I never divorced that girl I drunkenly married in Vegas.” That’s for another DVD. So he… But then we have our third lawyer, who’s a comedy fan. He’s our, like wink-wink, nudge-nudge, Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad attorney. That he handles all the creepy shit, like when me and Andy are up late at night doing blow and thinking of… “call Kirschner. “See how much jail time we could… Could we go to prison if we actually did this?” He’s that guy. So I called him, knowing he’d hook me up with a doctor on the down low, as we say in the black community, as a black person. He gave me the number to a doctor. And I go, “hey, my mother’s gonna cash out, and I don’t know what to do.” He said, “what do you have?” I go, “I’ve got Xanax out the ass.” On the border, you can get all the fucking Xanax you want. He’s like, “that’s no good. That’s anti-anxiety. Does she have hospice care?” “Yeah, she does.” “Then she should have morphine.” “Ma, you got morphine?” “Yeah, I got morphine.” “All right. She’s got morphine.” We worked out the dosages and the milligrams. And he goes, “if she has 30 of those, That’s enough to kill any human being on the planet.” She had fucking 90. Like, “okay. We’re good. Okay.” “We never talked. Remember that.” “Okay, doc.” So I’m like, “all right, we’re gonna do this. First of all, bring her to my house.” Because she lived in 300 square feet of hoarder paradise. Old electric bills with spider webs all crammed… Like it’s depressing enough if you’re gonna help your mother kill herself. But we’re gonna go to my house. We’ll tidy up, we’ll… So we set her up with a hospital bed in the living room. She had been aa off and on for my whole life. She had, at this point, been four years sober. And I’m like, “you’re not gonna kill yourself sober, right? You can’t take those chips with you.” Right? She’s like, “yeah. You’re right. Why would I do that? That’s dumb.” So she… In her heyday, She was a Black Russian drinker, So I set out a mini bottle of Ketel one and a mini bottle of Kahlua with her pills. “For whenever you’re ready. Let me know.” We laid down ground rules. I said, “ma, if you’re gonna kill yourself, seriously, “you can’t do it on Sunday or Monday “because that’s football, and that’s a dick move. “If you can call your own time to leave this planet, “don’t do it during someone else’s planned event. Don’t be an asshole.” And she did it the Saturday before football. That was great. She came in on Thursday. Saturday night, she goes, “it’s time.” And I’m like, “time for what? Like medication?” “No, it’s time.” And like, “fuck. This is real.” So I wake up bingo. Like it’s going on. We start mixing up White Russians. She decided to make Black Russians White Russians Because she thought the milk would coat her belly better for taking all the pills. Like mother till the end. “Do you have whole milk?” “I got skim.” “Skim’ll work. “I just don’t want to throw up the pills. Chicken soup for the suicide.” It was so fucking… It was so sweet. So we’re whipping up drinks and… I didn’t so much assist a suicide as bar back it. Like, I’m in there mixing drinks Because we’re all drinking. We watch Bad Santa together, her favorite movie, together. She had a very dark sense of humor. I didn’t come from nowhere. My mother used to review porn on the man show. She was fucking dark like us. So we watched Bad Santa, and she’s trying to choke down these pills. She had a very hard time taking pills. So she’s just gagging and just getting them down. So I’m keeping a vague count. When she got around 30, a little over, I’m like, “ma, that’s good. You don’t need to do anymore. You’re fine.” And she said, “I don’t want to take any chances.” She was so scared of fucking up. She took all 90 morphine. The… We’re sitting there in horror, going, “you’re wasting… Ma… “They said 30 of those would kill any human being alive. “You could leave 60 of them for me and bingo “as our only inheritance other than the last 17-year-old blind cat you have, Georgia.” Yeah, we could have 60 morphines to have spontaneous memorials For mother every year and again.” “Remember mom? Pop a morphine. “Whoo! What a great lady. What a crazy old bitch.” No. Hoarder till the end. All fucking 90. And then we fucked with her. I remember her last words as she’s coming in and out. Because we’re just goofing on her as she’s doing this, as she’s fading in and out. I didn’t even know if she would respond. She was just hammering cocktails, she… And she’s laying there, half in, half out, with a White Russian on her chest that she’d occasionally get to her mouth, and it’d spill. You know when you come off the wagon, You hit it fucking hard. And it’s pretty bad when you’re trying to keep up drinking with an 83-pound, 63-year-old woman. “Aagh.” And I go, “wow. You’re really knocking those back, ma.” And she goes, “there’s times to be dainty, and there’s times to be a pig.” And we all laughed. And this is mother’s problem throughout her life. She was a funny lady, sporadically. But when she would get a laugh, she would just hammer it and over-tag it and repeat the joke. Like, just keep… “I can keep getting a laugh off the same joke.” And it would ruin the joke. And when we all laughed at “there’s times to be a pig,” I saw her go into… She’s gonna… and I go, “shut your fucking mouth. Those are perfect last words. You’re not gonna ruin this joke. Cut the mic on mother.” And then we just roasted her as she fell in and out. We just did a friar’s club roast, making fun of her and making it a fun, dark suicide. “Ma, wait. They found a cure.” “I love you, but fuck you. I was a bad mother. I love you, I love you.” At one point, I remember I said, “ma, if there’s any kind of white light situation, “that other side that you get to, “if you can communicate with us Houdini-style, “see if there’s any way that you can make the saints “cover eight points at Oakland tomorrow because I have money on the game.” And they did. The saints fucking blew them out… October 12, 2008. The saints won 34 to 3. I’m not saying that’s proof of an afterlife. That was just 40 bucks that I won. Proof of the afterlife is this. If there were no afterlife, how could my mother have bought me and my friends so many nice things from the skymall catalog on her credit card four days after she passed from this earth? Answer me that, your honor. Answer me that. In fact, I’d like to enter these credit card receipts into evidence, against the advice of my attorney. “Look at that. Four days. “I had to swear on your Bible “just to testify in my own defense. “Your silly fake Jesus only lasted three days “before he ran out of that cave like a pussy. “My mother? Four days, relaxing up there. She’s drunk eBaying like I do!” That last piece of that story has special meaning to me because in my entire career, that’s the only chunk of material I’ve ever had that had a statute of limitations before I could comfortably tell it on stage. Three-year statute for credit card fraud. After that, fuck you. Mother didn’t want some silly gravestone. That doesn’t do anything. Mother wanted me to have a voice-activated remote control R2-D2 doll. I’m just saying we all occupy in our own way. You occupy your fucking filthy Portland hippie selves because you hate the 1% and you hate the banks because of their predatory-lending practices against the people, and enslave them in a lifetime of debt. What’d you do about it? You stunk up a park for almost a year. I occupy far more efficiently. Maybe you should look to me for leadership. I hate the banks as well, as we all do. How did I fuck them? I spent three hours jacking up Mother’s chase bank visa card after she’s dead up to its $10,000 limit, buying dumb shit that no one needs and sticking them with the bill because she had no estate except for that blind, fucking last cat. If you want to repo that, have at it. That actually caused damage to the bank. Not sitting around with a dog with a kerchief and a cardboard sign, “doo doo doo doo,” slapping on drums in a drum circle. The fucking occupy movement was such a letdown because you seemed like me. Angry, and we’re gonna take to the streets. And, holy shit, around the globe, people are, “fuck this. We’re gonna do something.” And what did you do? You fucked up a park. All you fucked up in a year is some guy’s day who wanted to throw a frisbee for his dog, but he couldn’t because you’re all camped out there. You hate the banks? Don’t fuck up the park. Fuck up the bank. Who’s in charge of this project? Next time, me! “We don’t really have leadership.” You needed some! You have 500 angry people in a park. Go break them up into squads of 20. You can fuck up every branch of bank of America in a 50-mile radius. Go there, and not as anarchists, either. Throwing bricks through the windows? What are you, a fucking teenager? Have some ingenuity. You line up as customers at 8:00 in the morning. They only have two desks to do actual commerce other than cashing checks and shit. You clog up those two desks as bogus customers. Sit down, cross your legs, apply for frivolous loans all day long. That’s a lot of paperwork for every frivolous, “yes, I need a billion dollars for an ant farm. “Sharpen some pencils. “That’s a big stack of paperwork. I’d love some coffee.” You comb your dreadlocks over to one side, put on your $3 salvation army suit, and you clog up all their time. “Or you could deny me the right to apply for the loan, “and then I sue the fuck out of you for discrimination, causing even more damage to your bottom line.” Rather than just sitting out there in a park Getting tear-gassed by cops. What does that do? What are you accomplishing? “I got it on tape. Police abuse.” Yeah, police abuse people. That’s how it works. You’re never gonna win. Yeah. Well, you want to fight that, And eventually they’ll go, “it was justified.” “I was laying there. I’m paralyzed. I was face-down in the park. They tased me.” “Justified.” Yeah. Why aren’t you the cops? That’s a better idea. You had a fucking year in the park. The first week of occupy, you should have called everyone with no police record out, made them go apply to be police. You’d have had people that have gotten through the academy. They’re in the works now. They’re moles on your side. They’re sitting there in a riot helmet with a Bluetooth underneath the star wars helmet, calling you in the park, giving you heads-ups. “Hey, Kevin. “You might want to put on a gas mask around 7:45 A.M., you know what I’m saying?” “Thanks, Shane, but we’re already wearing gas masks “’cause we haven’t showered in 7 1/2 months, “and Angela’s snatch is really starting to reek up “the pup tent something ferocious. “But keep fighting the good fight. Power to the people!” Good Christ. You could have done so much with that. There’s a fucking million ways you could have been clever. That’s why I love WikiLeaks and anonymous, ’cause they’re actually in there. They’re fucking with the system. They’re not sitting around chanting and slapping bongos. Bradley Manning didn’t get to release all that information by sitting in a drum circle. He had to get inside. That’s why you should fucking read up on scientology. And I’m serious. Scientology is brilliant. Read this book inside scientology. It’s a breakdown of how that evil motherfucker created that religion in a modern time. Every other religion people believe in, you only believe in it because all your ancestry did. This guy had to create this and sell it to adults recently. It’s as stupid as any other religion, but how did he do it? How did he create this leviathan? Read this book inside scientology and apply those evil tactics to occupy, and you have a fucking winning recipe. You follow l. Ron Hubbard’s intimidation, infiltration, harassment, blackmail, complete abuse of the legal system, Where you just turn a cross-eyed stink look at scientology, and they’ll sue you into poverty. You use that for good. You know what l. Ron Hubbard didn’t have In his master plan for world domination? Drum circle! It doesn’t do anything! No one wants to hear that. It’s annoying as shit. You had enough time in a year to learn how to play real instruments. You could have had a whole New Orleans-style jazz swing band that people want to hear. But instead, what? I’m not against you. I appreciate the passion. I don’t know how anyone who has a cause in life where they put that much time and effort Into trying to change something… How do you pick one thing? How do you wake up in the morning and look at the billions of things that suck on this planet? You log into your Yahoo! News And it’s just countries you didn’t even know were countries Have problems you didn’t even know existed. How do you pick one sliver of that And decide, that’s the one. We have to print up t-shirts and have a car wash. I would be so confused. I want to make change. How do you pick something if it hasn’t affected you? Juvenile diabetes? Well, I don’t know, but I have Lots of free time during the day. I guess I should… wait. Spina bifida, and the guy’s right here, and he’s uncomfortable to look at. So maybe I’ll go with this guy’s cause. And clitoral circumcision in the third world? I know that gives me a handy excuse for not finding it, but that’s selfish, and I have to stop thinking about me. And as soon as you focus on one thing, here comes Sarah McLachlan on the TV with the skinny, sad puppies and the abused… “in the arms of an angel.” I don’t know why animals always seem to trump any human cause, but they do. And now you’re telling me about fucking corrective rape, which is some weird thing in South Africa, you know? Corrective rape is where they gang-rape lesbians to try to cure them, and I want to… I’m behind that, just to bring attention to it, ’cause the term “corrective rape” is such a good comedy reference that I demand a bigger laugh when I mention corrective rape, But no one knows about it. So, I want to bring attention to your cause. I just don’t know how you pick. If I had any cause over the course of my career that I’ve bitched the most about, It’s overpopulation, which is the root of most of the other problems you care about. Anti-children, but I don’t know where to send a check. I don’t know. Like, what do you do? The only solution that I’ve ever come up with, Which I think is great, but no one’s gotten on board, incentive-based eugenics. Eugenics was a practice of sterilizing people. Hitler got a lot of the credit for it, but it was actually done in this country long before Hitler even knew who he was mad at. We were practicing eugenics in this country. Eugenics was the practice of forced sterilization of undesirables, which sounds bad. And the way they did it was bad ’cause they would… First of all, the force is wrong. You don’t force people to do things they don’t want to do. And, “b,” who decides who’s undesirable? They were doing it in this country At the turn of the 20th century, Which is the 1900s, for a lot of my fans. Early 1900s. To criminals, perverts, which is way too vague, the mentally ill, mentally retarded, homosexuals, which makes perfect sense. We don’t want them breeding. Have little queers running all up and down like gremlins. But if you took away the force, And you just made it incentive-based for people willing to sterilize themselves. Offer up some white trash prizes. You know, Nascar pit pass, meet your favorite driver. All you’ve got to do is snip the sac. “Really?” Year’s supply of sunny delight. You want some sunny d, don’t you? All you got to do is putty up that front hole, lady. You still have two holes left to trick guys out of drinks at the bar. What do we got to do? “Are you telling me, if I cut off my balls, I’m going crossbow hunting with Ted Nugent?” Well, shit, yeah. “No. No, sir, sir, sir. Wait, no. “We don’t actually cut off your balls. We just make a small incision with a local anesthetic.” “Fuck you. I want you to cut off my whole balls. “I’m gonna hang them from my rear-view mirror “like a lucky rabbit’s foot. “I’m going crossbow hunting with the nuge. I ain’t never won nothing in my life.” That’s a workable plan. Can’t argue with that. It just won’t happen. Here’s what I think. If you’re behind whatever you’re behind, we should triage all charity. So we take the most important and most easily solved first. Everyone works on that, and we’ll get to yours eventually. I would start with starving people in a world full of food. That seems easy to solve. You don’t need scientists with lab reports and years, no. There’s lots of shitloads of food. There’s just a transit problem. Get someone from FedEx, get the food there. We live in a place, fucking horse meat is a scandal. They found horse meat. “How dare… my god. Have you heard? “There was horse meat in my frozen, processed lasagna meal. How dare they put a more lean and nutritional meat?” And now we’re gonna dump it by the warehousefuls in the garbage dumps, while people are starving to death on this planet. That makes no sense. I can solve that. Yeah. Take that food and feed the people that don’t have it. And then we get down to the next most important and the wrongly accused and the torture and the thing and the disease and… Occupy is lower, and then, save the manatees even lower than that. And eventually, hopefully, in a perfect world, we’d get down to the bottom, which is toys for tots. How fucking embarrassing is it to live in a country where toys for tots is an actual recognized, legitimate charity? God forbid little Daniel go through some bogus holiday made for some fake deity without Lincoln logs. The horror. The horror. That’s why they have to have marines and bikers enforce that shit like henchmen. ‘Cause otherwise, you’d just go, “fuck you. Toys? There’s starving people.” And then some big, fucking, crew-cut guy. “I fucking fought for your freedom! Give me a goddamned Lego for the kid!” It’s gonna be tough. Whatever your cause, your charity, or your drive, your effort, audit it. Make sure, ’cause so much of it is symbolism over substance, where people think they’re helping by doing nothing. Audit all the time and effort, and see if you’re actually affecting change rather than just, “we’re gonna have a 10k fun run for the cure. “Come on down on Sunday. It’s a 10k fun run for the cure.” Why? Why? When has running ever cured anything? I don’t understand the cause and effect on this. Is that how Jonas salk cured polio, is by speed-walking around the track down at St. Mary’s high school with a wife beater on and a paper number safety-pinned to his back? “We’re doing it for the cure.” How are you curing anything? “Well, what I do is I get sponsors. “And every time I go around the track another time, “my sponsor gives me another quarter for the cure. So I’ve got to go as many times as I…” Are your friends that sick and sadomasochistic that they wouldn’t just cut you a check outright for the cure? They make you do weird shit first? “Larry, you know my daughter was born with cerebral palsy. And we’re trying to get a big fundraiser going.” “Really?” “Yeah. “How many hard-boiled eggs will you eat? “Come on. Come on. You love your kid, right? Come on.” No, they would cut you a check outright, but you’re that much of a fucking megalomaniac that you have to make the cure about you. You need spotlight in this. You could just get a check, But no one’s gonna fucking be, “no. You know, the truth is, I do this same speed walk “at St. Mary’s every morning at 6:30 “before work with my labrador, Sheba. “Trying to shed a few pounds, you know. “But no one claps for me then and calls me heroic. “So I’m gonna do it on Sunday afternoon for the cure, And everyone’s gonna go, ‘go, ray, go!'” yeah, you could do it, but you want to fucking… It’s a 10k fun run about you, you fucking megalomaniac. Stop it. You know you’re not doing shit. You could just get the check from your friend And then actually do something That means something other than running. “We’re getting donations, and we’re petitioning city hall “for a spot in the park to make a big, granite slab “for the victims and the sufferers “and the survivors of the thing. “And then we’re gonna painstakingly etch each name of the people into the stone at great expense.” For what? It’s a fucking chunk of rock. It doesn’t help. Put that time and effort and money Into actually something that’s calculated that actually helps. “We’re gonna knit a SARS quilt. “It’s gonna take all summer long. “‘Cause there’s people with SARS, And they’re chilly with SARS, and they need a quilt.” What? “We’re gonna have a prayer circle. We’re gonna have a candlelight vigil at midnight.” Could you do less? Mathematically. Ask your accountant if there’s any way you could do any less than that. “Well, we are raising awareness.” Raising awareness is another form of doing nothing. Only now you’re making me aware that the nothing that I’ve been doing is not up to par with the nothing that you’re doing For such a noble cause. Why don’t you do my nothing for your cause? We’ll watch storage wars for the cure, and then we’ll both be happy in our impotence. And we’ll find out what’s in that safe. We all win. Raising awareness is me standing next to a drainage ditch where a guy just hit a goat with his moped on the highway. And now they’re in the ditch, Laying in the muck with compound fractures. And the dude’s got a bone sticking through his leg. And the fucking goat’s got a bone sticking through his fur. They’re both laying there in agony. And I’m raising awareness by standing above them, shouting down an empty highway, “look! Look! Eww! Eww, look. Ooh.” And they’re going, “no, help.” And I’m going, “no, no, no. Look!” It’s way easier to just look. Are you aware of breast cancer? Fucking the entire month of October is breast cancer awareness month. The entire country turns pink so you can’t not be aware. All your products, you go to the grocery store. “Usually I buy the progresso soup. “But this month, I’m gonna get the one with the pink ribbon, “so I know that I’ve done all I can to help my fellow man. “I don’t read the fine print that says, “.000001 cents of every can up to a very minimal amount goes to…” it actually goes nowhere near a titty, ever, at all. It goes to more promotional material Asking for more money and to give very dubious medical advice where a lot of titties get chopped off that didn’t need to because we’re an industry, not a charity anymore. I don’t read that part. I just see the pink ribbon and know that I’m helping. You’ve destroyed the color pink. There’s no need for that. I like the color pink, and you’ve ruined it. You see pink, that’s all you can think about. I have a pink bedroom. My bedroom is pink. I can’t sleep in it during October ’cause you just see the color, and all you think about Is giant, metastasizing titties sucking the life out of some poor woman. Why do you fuck up a color? Associate it with something else that’s negative. You know, “traffic and weather brought to you “at the top of the hour on fucking 620 am. “Hey, traffic sucks again. This is brought to you by breast cancer.” And that way, next time you’re stuck in traffic, You go, “wow. Fuck. “This sucks, but not as bad as cancer. Maybe I should try to help.” Don’t fuck up a color. Do you watch football? This is where it went too far with me. The national football league participates in breast cancer awareness month. First of all, why is it breast cancer awareness month rather than cancer awareness month? I assume if you cure breast cancer, that would cure ass cancer and face cancer and shit cancer. It’s cancer. ‘Cause titties sell tickets, stupid! Okay, I forget the marketing angle. Maybe you’re right on that. Still, the national football league participates with the pink gloves and just pink on the players. Where if you think football is stupid, you’re right. But it’s my stupid. You have your stupid. You can judge me in sports. You have your own stupid. You play World of Warcraft or you do renaissance festivals or you fucking win Brian Doyle Murray look-alike competitions or fucking do… You grow organic apples and sell them at the farmer’s market. You learn how to speak Italian on the Rosetta Stone so one day you can impress your friends by ordering in Italian at a restaurant and the fucking waiter at Olive Garden looks at you going, ‘I don’t know what you’re saying, dude.” Whatever you do, football is my stupid. That’s what I do for a few hours on a weekend in the fall to forget how much I hate myself. I don’t want to think about breast cancer while I’m watching football to get away from this. It’s hard enough to watch football as it is, if you’re a fan, without constantly thinking about AIDS. You have to push that out of your head. Inherently, if you’re a fan of the game, with the technology that they have now, you watch Monday night football or super bowl, they have cameras now that come down on cables right over the field, like right over the players’ heads, almost touching them. You have 60 inches of high definition. You have a camera panning around 11 men bent up in a huddle, presenting these beautiful, thick man-asses. And it’s zooming in on each one. And it creates this Bangkok whorehouse scenario in your brain. You feel a little tuggle in your sweatpants. And you’re like,” what if they were behind glass in Phuket?” Which one would I select for my evening’s entertainment from the Cambodian guy that runs the place, And he’s got an eye patch. And I go, “ching dai bo dah!” And he pulls the guy out. Number 28. I haven’t even seen all the guys, And I impulse-buy on 28. He’s a halfback with these sinewy horse haunches, leaning into me, and in my mind, before I can make a rational decision, I’ve already leaped over the railing at the field. I’m streaking butt-naked across the field, wearing nothing but a… Wearing an 1800s nightcap that’s striped with a pom-pom. I don’t know why that. But I’m wearing flip-flops ’cause they make you run funnier. But my dick is slapping up and down against my belly. You make you dick however big you want it to be. It’s your fantasy. Have your dick slapping your chest. Have your dick take a tooth out on the way to the huddle. It doesn’t matter. Just get to 28 and yank him out of the huddle and pin him to the ground. Hold him down with one elbow. Peel those… They wear these little lycra pants. They’re so fucking gorgeous. And you just peel them off him. And he’s sweaty. They’re just going to slide off like a wet band-aid. Don’t fuck with the jockstrap. It’s no obstacle to the asshole. You’ll waste your time. Plus, the little straps keep the ass cheek up and focused. Steam comes off his ass. Get your face in there. You huff that steam. You huff it like a gassy rag. Inhale his essence. And you peel those ass cheeks apart with your thumbnails like your cracking a cage-free, farm-fresh egg. And you take your dick. Don’t stab him with it right away. Tease him with it. Here we go. In and up, asshole to tailbone, people. Asshole to tailbone. Watch him struggle. He knows it’s gonna happen. He doesn’t know when. Asshole to tailbone. Pull on his face mask a bit. Twist his neck. Pull on his dreadlocks. And these are not occupy wall street dreadlocks, by the way. This is a black dude. This is straight up racism. This is a hate crime. Because you are pretty sure that your ex-wife used to fantasize about this guy doing similar shit to her. You knew it. Yeah. You want to do that to my wife? You’ll never get a thicker boner Than that angry, racist, jealousy boner. Veins are coming out of the head, And nothing makes you crazier than when you get that boner and you just jam it in him like a fat salamander and you ride. You do that porn angle, where you bend your dick down And do deep knee bends so you can look at the people. You have… 55,000 people are now out of their chairs, on their feet, chanting for you. They love you. They’re like, “fuck that guy! Fuck that guy!” This is his home field, and they’re on your side, all of a sudden. “Fuck that dude, yeah!” They’re spilling beer. You feel the rubber start to slide off of you, but you don’t give a shit. This is my day. They love me. I’m going to launch rainbows of cum into this broken motherfucker. And you do. You’re not even done coming when you pull out. Your dick’s just still fire-hosing, swaying back and forth, getting rid of the last of the spurts. And you have an end zone celebration dance that you’ve worked out in the hallway mirror all season. Little old-school ickey shuffle thing. And you spike the ball right next to his head. He’s blubbering, like, snot bubbles, and crying. He’s not even making an attempt to get up. His asshole is still dilated and spasming. His asshole is winking like a cyclops in a rainstorm, just trying to regain its original shape. One milky tear is dripping down the taint. It’s crying for you. And you float out of this perfect Sunday afternoon and this perfect daydream, back into the stark reality of, it’s just you with some bloated, post middle-age dude with… You’ve got lumps of yellowed gummy cum in your gut hair. And you look around. You feel immediate remorse and shame. I let the rubber come off inside of that guy. How irresponsible is that, knowing what we know today, to just bareback fuck a guy. I don’t know where that guy’s been. I know where he’s going. He’s going into free agency. He’s fucking 32 now. He’s got shit knees. He’s lucky if he’s warming a bench in Jacksonville. But I don’t know where he’s been. To just bareback fuck the guy. I could have fantasy aids as we speak, and I’m gonna do it again. And as you’re dealing with this, you want to escape. You look at the TV. Pink shoes. I have to think about breast cancer on top of this problem? You’re ruining the integrity of the game, breast cancer. This is what we do on Sundays to forget how much we hate ourselves. And I don’t… I hope I didn’t ruffle any feathers. But as an openly gay comedian, I feel a responsibility to talk about a lot of issues that… What, are you gonna test me? You don’t know if I’m lying. I can be as gay as I want to be up here. Fuck you. What, are you gonna strap me to a chair And blow loads in my face to see if I’m fibbing when I say I love it? I’m gay if it fucking… If it needs to be, I’m gay, I’m fucking gay. And you should be gay as… I come out of the closet all the time. It’s something fun for me. Do it all the time. I’m not saying lie to your friends and family Or lead a fake life. But if you’re just in some bullshit social situation around people you don’t know, if you can drop the errant, “I’m gay” in a conversation, not revelatory, like, “I have to tell you.” Just drop it as an aside. “Is it just you and your girlfriend for breakfast?” “That’s not my girlfriend. “I’m gay, but it’s just two of us. Is it a buffet or can I order off the menu?” Just drop in, just, if everyone was just someone… I guess they’re just gay. ‘Cause here’s the thing. I love homosexuality. I defend it. But I hate fagginess because it’s aesthetically unpleasing. The whole “la la la la la” shiny. You don’t have to do that. It’s the same… I have nothing against Jewish people. I hate jewiness. The clammy, “nyah, nyah, nyah. I get all… I’m allergic.” Personally, that’s unpleasing. I hate anyone who leads with their sexuality, homo or hetero. If I know your sexuality in the first 30 seconds of meeting you, You’re fucking annoying. Heteros are the same way. If you have naked lady mud flaps or you go, “after your show, you want to go to Hooters?” Or you just watch the game for the cheerleaders. Just go into a basement and jerk off, You fucking teenager, 13-year-old, And then come back when we can have a regular conversation. So, it’s not… That’s why I like to come out of the closet as just a normal dude. A guy on the plane going, “yeah, I remember “when stewardesses used to be hot. Now they’re all fat.” And you go, “yeah. I’m right with you, buddy. “I fucking… thank Christ I’m queer, ’cause they are fat as shit.” But just because maybe somewhere around you, when you just drop a normal “I’m gay” in a conversation, there is an adolescent kid who’s just coming to terms with the fact that he’s gay, and he’s fucking terrified, not only of just being gay. Maybe he thinks he has to be “jump out of the cake and ride a fucking float, assless chaps, ice capades” gay. And he hears you say it just like a normal dude, “I’m gay.” And he goes, “I can do that. “I can be just regular Anderson Cooper, Todd Glass, Joel Osteen f*ggot.” And you give them courage. And it’s in the supreme court now for gay marriage. And I hope you get it. Get the right to marry, and then don’t. It’s important to get the right, not just symbolically, but sometimes you have to be married to game the system. You need the insurance. You need the inheritance. You need to pull the plug. Maybe you just need to get someone cool into the country. So you need it for that. But don’t if you don’t have to. It’s kind of like the civil rights movement, where black people had to fight for the right to eat at the same lunch counter. Once you won that right, I hope you didn’t. Guy’s a fucking racist. Why would you support his business unless you’re just trying to fuck with him and show up just ’cause he doesn’t want you? Which I understand, and maybe that’s where you started not tipping. If so, every tradition has to start somewhere. Let’s just hope it was for a good cause. Have a great night, Dante’s, Portland. It was nice to be back. I’ll see you soon. Have a good night. So do you mind just coming back downstairs? Yeah. I just told them I would. Great. Sorry. We have another camera. No, that’s it. We said one camera. You want them to come back up too? Do you want them to follow you? What? Do you want… You just asked me to come back down the stairs. Yeah, do you want them to follow you Or do you want to just… They’ll just catch you. No, no. That’s fine. I was just confused. Yeah. Take two, I’m coming down the stairs. All right. Hi. That was a show brought to you by me. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/volker-pispers-about-usa-2004-transcript/ | Volker Pispers about USA (2004) – Transcript | volker pispers | Last part of Volker Pispers’ program “Bis neulich” (2004), where the comedian deals with American foreign policy, 9/11 and the war on terror in general. You all got used to the new timescale. We used to say “before the birth of Christ” and “after the birth of Christ” and today we divide the world into ‘before the attacks” and “after the attacks”. By itself that date is engraved in the collective memory of humankind. September 11th, who can ever forget that day. That was a Tuesday — September 11th in 1973. Yes, that was a Tuesday, too. For those who still don’t know yet: on September 11th 1973, Salvador Allende, the — in contrast to Bush — democratically elected president of Chile… was — with the help of an US terror organization called C.I.A. — removed from office in a Coup d’état. 3000 murdered Chilean democrats. The order to kill was given by that time’s Osama Bin Laden: Henry Kissinger. Until today at large, especially his ego. Salvador Allende was replaced with an America-friendly, fascist military dictatorship under Augusto Pinochet, a proven expert on human rights. The Americans always had a lucky hand in picking their proconsuls… and allies on location, one can’t debate that. But today again I sense how the cold creeps up onto the stage at this point. I know it’s a delicate subject. The chancellor [Schroeder] has said it openly several times: We must not slide down into superficial anti-Americanism. But mine isn’t superficial. And I’m not even against America, it’s a beautiful country. The problem are the people living there. I always say it’s somewhat like Bavaria. Calling the average American’s mindset “naive” is a benevolent characterization. Most Americans don’t know much about the world; most Americans know only one thing about the world: We are the good guys. And that’s beautiful, nothing beats a simple worldview. You still know that from the area of feminism: If you know who’s the bad guy, the day has structure. For a decade the world was straightforward: The empire of evil was in the east, Soviets and communism were antagonized, bulwarks against communism were erected across the globe, for example back then in Persia, today’s Iran. A likeable, talented, young dictator — the Shah of Persia, Reza Palahvi — got armed for so long until he had the world’s 4th or 5th biggest army at that time. As a bulwark against communism. To finance that army the Shah of Persia, in the good American tradition of Human Rights, oppressed and gagged his own people such that one day the desperate Persians gathered around a religious leader to get rid of the dictator. The religious leader was called Ayatollah Khomeini. In this case “likeable” isn’t the word of choice. You get a feel how desperate the Persians must have been. Or can you imagine the degree of desperation that you would need to back the pope to get rid of Gerhard Schroeder? Lets keep it real, the despair of the Germans wasn’t even big enough to back Edmund Stoiber. But back to the Iranian Ayatollah… That one worked. You can say about Khomeini what you want, but the guy managed a peaceful revolution. No shot was fired by remonstrants. Remonstrants were shot dead by the army, but new ones joined until one million were on the streets. The 4th biggest army, guns at the ready, opposite the remonstrants who said: “Shoot, come on, shoot! How many do you want to keep shooting at now?” “Nobody here is going to leave.” The army sensed the people’s determination. They moved back into the barracks, no shots were fired after that. The Shah of Persia had to flee. One of the mightiest dictators in that region had to flee. With Farah Diba and few bags full of cash. First towards Egypt, later to the buddies in the USA. There he moved into a suitable hole in the ground. So much on the subject of how a populace actually can get rid of a dictator. Todays experts on dictatorship see that differently, of course. Angela Merkel, for example. I best like to quote Angela Merkel by the letter: I have yet to find a better way to insult that woman. Angela Merkel said word-for-word before the war in Iraq: “I have lived in a dictatorship.” “I know dictators only understand the language of violence!” I was ashamed at that point. We should have supported Merkel in her battle of arms against Honecker. We should have tried to rescue’our brothers and sisters in the GDR by force, shouldn’t we? With a little bit of luck we could have avoided Merkel by means of collateral damage. Yeah, Merkel doesn’t say much content-wise; but if she does, then it’s nonsense. You can count on that. But back to Khomeini. Khomeini had driven away the Shah, but the Persians were pissed. The Americans had supported the dictator until the end. The Americans were pissed as well. Because all the nice weapons now were in the hands of Ayatollah Khomeini. A religious fundamentalist. A Muslim. Muslims. People who take their religion seriously. For Catholics unimaginable. The Iran, quasi over night in 1979, the Iran turned from bulwark against evil into the empire of evil itself. The Americans use to decide that on a day-to-day basis. Now the empire of evil had to be antagonized again, so they asked “Who can do that for us?” And again they found a likeable young man. He happened to live just around the corner, back then not yet in a hole in the ground. Saddam Hussein, a talented dictator at his time. The Americans said: “Hussein, we have been doing splendid business for a few years, we know you are a reliable, qualmless dictator.” “We continue arming you, you invade Iran, stop Khomeini with his Shiite theocracy.” “And the oil wells you can conquer you can keep as reward, we’ll look the other away if you straighten the border a little.” Hussein agreed at once, since he had never fancied the Islam. Hussein gives as much shit about Islam as Bush gives about Christianity. Come on, the American foreign policy doesn’t worry about human rights, it worries about mining rights and nothing else. So Saddam Hussein was armed. Hey, we armed him, too. There’s the list with the 68 German companies who armed Saddam Hussein. They were the ones who offered the inspectors last year to check whether everything was still there. In principle, Hussein is a fair business partner; he kept the promise and attacked Iran already in 1980. He attacked, but didn’t get far. The stupid Iranians defended themselves. That thing lasted. For eight years. Gulf war. For eight years Saddam Hussein, supported by the Americans, led a war of invasion against his innocent neighbor Iran. We were neutral. We enjoyed supplying both sides with arms. Well, there’s jobs in it. “Never again a war must be started without Germany.” (pun making fun of a pacifist slogan) …or something along those lines.
After eight years Hussein recognized: “I can’t get in there. He retreated into his own country. The Americans were smirking — Khomeini had been kept busy for eight years one million dead, nice casualties on both sides — it was alright with the Americans, but Hussein still wanted his reward. There the Americans said: “What reward? Did you conquer any oil wells?” “Nope,” Hussein replied. “I didn’t.” “Well, duh! That is why you ended up without a reward now.” So Hussein became stroppy. So he was stroppy for a while and two years later he was like: “Well, then I’ll get the oil wells in Kuwait. It’s much easier to get in there, after all.” That, on the other hand, made the Americans stroppy: “One moment, my friend! Which country you invade that’s still our decision, pal!” “Hussein, take notes:” “Picking off Persians and gassing Kurds — nobody has a problem with that.” “But-occupying Kuwait — there the party has its end.” Hussein didn’t know what was happening. What had he done wrong? Did Hussein do anything different than in all the years before that? I need that explained. What did Hussein do different in 1990 than in all the years before? Did he change? No, he simply turned around… and attacked a different neighboring dictatorship. Kuwait is a dictatorship as well, like all the other countries down there. But over night Saddam Hussein turned from “fighter against evil” to “villain of the century”. The new Hitler was born. Lesser than that and our intellectuals won’t bother at all anymore. Our “intellectulles” are measuring everything in units of Hitler. You are allowed to look up the essays in “Der Spigel” again. 1991 — Hans Magnuns Enzensberger, Wolf Biermann: “The New Hitler!” — There you have a prime example of what alcohol can do to humans. Now the new Hitler had to be antagonized again. The Americans at once: “Hitler? That’s a job for our top!” They stationed a big army around the Persian Gulf. Daddy Bush brought the army there and since then the Americans sit at the Persian Gulf and in the countries with the oil wells. Because how has it been put by Henry Kissinger, the old fox and bearer of the Nobel peace prize: “Oil is too important to be left in the hands of Arabs.” Stupidly enough, those countries with the oil wells are as well the countries with the Islamic sanctuaries. And there one has to ask: “What were the thoughts of the Lord here?” — “Burying our nice oil where all the Muslims are?!” Because just the presence of American soldiers in those countries is an affront for a believing Muslim. For a believing Muslim this is blasphemy, a sacrilege. Through the presence of unbelieving soldiers the sanctuaries are being desecrated. This simply is their belief you have to accept that. You are free to think that’s funny. We like to think of the Islam as funny, jokes are made during carnival, “Women are wearing head scarves.” “72 virgins await the martyr in paradise!” “Haha, what a ludicrous religion!” Dunno, what stuff are you believing in? Do you dig Trinity or virginity? Are you visiting the temple on Sunday? Visit the Copperfield show? I mean, are you nibbling at the body of Christ? Do you realize? It’s pretty easy to make fun of people and religions. Everybody has the right to believe something, that’s freedom of religion. Everybody has the right to believe in something — hey, if he’s right.. From my point of view, all people believing in things like that are just too lazy to think for themselves… But even that i s just my opinion. Who is right? Who knows? Maybe we will know that at some time. If I’m right, we will never know about it. But one thing! One thing you have to accept. For a believing Muslim, the American presence in those countries is like for a believing Catholic the deployment of Taliban within the Vatican would be. What is the Americans’ business there? Protect human rights? Do you have a better joke in your repertoire? What the American government thinks of human rights, even the last Arab has figured by now. Human intensive management in Guantanamo Bay. Taking humans for a stroll on dog leashes. Human rights! It isn’t about human rights in the Middle East, stop with that babble already. If it were about human rights, the Uno had to have been there decades ago! You have to go in there with blue helmet troops, protecting Palestinians and Israelis from each other! You have to get at the extremists on both sides, the profiteers of the conflict, both sides’ extremists. Arafat and Sharon in one padded cell, that would be a start, that would be a symbol. But… peace in the Middle East, that would be an American nightmare. Just imagine the young Israelis and the young Arabs making up. One has the crude oil, the other the know-how. The American would be out in the cold. The only goods Americans are still able to produce on a world class level are weapons. Already they have to import everything that’s more complicated than a fridge. Peace in the Middle East would be their nightmare. It’s not about the human rights, it’s about the resources. At least it’s being said openly by now: it’s about the oil, ladies and gentlemen. Finally the truth sees some daylight. That’s also why the Bundeswehr [German army] had to be reformed: Because the NATO has new tasks. And there the Bundeswehr is somewhat cumbersome by being a defensive force. Purely a defensive army! The constitution! What a load of rubbish it contains. The Bundeswehr is only good for stalling the enemy at the borders until military shows up. But there never came an enemy! All those years not! The only thing our tanks were good for was crop damage in the Lueneburg Heath. We had to see the truth after 60 sad years: Nobody wants to play war with us Germans if we don’t start it. And now German soldiers should be allowed to fight everywhere again! Today Peter Struck [German sec. of def. then] says: “Germany is being defended at the Hindu Kush!” When he said that sentence early this year, at some point I already knew something was wrong with his circulation [was later in hospital due to a stroke(?IIRC)] The NATO has a new doctrine that says: NATO soldiers — that includes Bundeswehr soldiers — can be deployed outside alliance territory (“out of area”)… when, for example, our resource supply seems to be in danger. You have to savour that one on your tongue. We sstopped protecting just what we own, now we also protect what we would like to own. The people without [Lebens-]Raum has become the people without resources. And vernacular language calls it “our oil”. People are talking that way in the streets. In the pubs. “Our oil” “What’s Johnny Arab doing with it? He’s just sitting around on it.” Our economy needs it — our oil. Following the same logic, Hussein could have come over here to defend his gas stations. The USA have attacked Hussein twice, and twice they have crushingly defeated him. Because he isn’t a Hitler, Mr Enzensberger. You might be good at interpreting poems, but please, just shut up when it’s about the remaining stuff. Hussein has always used tactics, checked out what goes and what doesn’t fly. Think back to the first war against Hussein, 1990. The Americans had stationed that giant army there, daddy Bush deployed them, on January the 17th in 1991 it began precision bombings. Today the Americans are able, with surgical precision, they can with surgical precision, from 5 km height, — they can’t build machine that can count ballots — but they can from 5 km height, with surgical precision, drop those UNO banned fragmentation bombs all around the civilian population. Now, if someone makes a dump jump to the side, you can’t do anything about that. What the Americans hit back then has become known afterwards. They destroyed thousands of Iraqi tank fakes. The inflatable one, those sex shop models. The frontal land assault happened. It was announced by daddy Bush as the biggest tank battle of all times. After all, they were up against Hitler and his mad army. The tank battle then cost 14 or 17 American soldiers their lives. It that a tank battle? Please. Every fog accident on the A3 has more action. [A3 = Autobahn 3] Taken both wars against Hussein together, less American soldiers died than people are being shot dead in the streets of Chicago each year. And half of them in both wars were shot by their fellow comrades. Same as at home — by guys from Chicago. “Killed by friendly fire”, like the Americans say. Do you really call that a war? When one sides loses 150 people, the other 30000? That’s a war for you? Are you that cynical? I call that a beating someone up. This time the Americans didn’t even pretend that it was a war. They just drove in there with their tanks. They were advancing with their small troop so fast towards Baghdad, the only problem was refueling the tanks. Their fuel trucks couldn’t get to and fro fast enough. They resorted to buying gas at ordinary Iraqi gas stations. Now, that’s a war, eh? Just imagine The Russian before Cologne has to go back to Dusseldorf to pump some gas. “Do they take Rubel there?’ “No, no Visa.” “Rubel. It’s war. Rubel.” “And also two Mars bars!” With what was the great army of Iraq supposed to fight? The Iraq army has old tanks, they can destroy others over a 500 meter distance. The Americans do know that very well. The Americans brought in the newest tanks, they can destroy others over a mile of distance. Satellite supported navigation, targeting systems and reconnaissance. Guess three times who is going to win. You could as well send [heavy-weight] Vitali Klitschko after a three year old and say: “Beware! The little one has a mighty left hook. Take care!” But Hussein had the WMD! The whole country was filled with WMD! Where did those go to, actually ? That’s something one asks oneself, too. Putin has said a beautiful sentence. Shortly after the war had ended last year, Putin said: “If I were the Americans, I would find some.” Even for that that army of stoners is too stupid. Well, but Putin was once boss of the KGB. Bush just was a member of the local AA. Where are the WMD? Where are all the reasons for the war gone? Do you remember the reasons for the war? First it was: “Hussein is behind 9/11, he’s connected somehow!” “He has at least financed it, he’s close to Al Qaeda if not the driving force behind it.” When that wasn’t enough for a war, it suddenly was: “He is close to developing the bomb!” He bought uranium in Africa!” “The English secret service of Tony Blair… has and air-tight dossier that proves that he bought uranium in Africa!” When that still wasn’t enough, the anthrax attack happened, you remember? Anthrax attack in America, that also was Hussein, yeah, sure, who else could have done that? Still not enough, suddenly the WMD entered the game. Vast amounts of WMD. Then it was: “In three quarters of an hour he can attack all of Europe! Another dossier by the British secret service: “He can attack all of Europe in 3/4 of an hour.” Do you know who told that to the British secret service? The current prime minister of Iraq, Mr Allawi. Do you know him actually? That’s a former secret service member of Saddam Hussein. An old buddy of Hussein. Together they oppressed the people back in the good old days. Then sometime they were at odds with each other like it sometimes happens among criminals. Allawi lost and had to flee. He run away to England. And from there, since then, he managed the resistance against his old buddy Hussein, including attacks in Iraq and everything that goes with it. And to finally get the world populace to reinstall him there, he told the English he knew that Hussein had weapons to attack all of Europe in 3/4 of an hour. In thanks the English made him prime minister now. Not one of the reasons was valid. Just a pack of filthy lies. Many were already saying that back then. How did Mr Schaeuble put it, concerning claims that the war was unjustified? Mr Schaeuble said, during a speech: “The Iraq war is a bad solution.” “But an even worse solution would be… a humiliated world power USA.” There you can see what a cup of a possible president has rolled by us. Never forget it again: the perverted world view of Phd Wolfgang victim Schaeuble. Schaeuble basically said: “A few thousand dead Iraqis are bad. But it would be even worse if Bush’s government would have had to admit to have lied.” | You all got used to the new timescale. We used to say “before the birth of Christ” and “after the birth of Christ” and today we divide the world into ‘before the attacks” and “after the attacks”. By itself that date is engraved in the collective memory of humankind. September 11th, who can ever forget that day. That was a Tuesday — September 11th in 1973. Yes, that was a Tuesday, too. For those who still don’t know yet: on September 11th 1973, Salvador Allende, the — in contrast to Bush — democratically elected president of Chile… was — with the help of an US terror organization called C.I.A. — removed from office in a Coup d’état. 3000 murdered Chilean democrats. The order to kill was given by that time’s Osama Bin Laden: Henry Kissinger. Until today at large, especially his ego. Salvador Allende was replaced with an America-friendly, fascist military dictatorship under Augusto Pinochet, a proven expert on human rights. The Americans always had a lucky hand in picking their proconsuls… and allies on location, one can’t debate that. But today again I sense how the cold creeps up onto the stage at this point. I know it’s a delicate subject. The chancellor [Schroeder] has said it openly several times: We must not slide down into superficial anti-Americanism. But mine isn’t superficial. And I’m not even against America, it’s a beautiful country. The problem are the people living there. I always say it’s somewhat like Bavaria. Calling the average American’s mindset “naive” is a benevolent characterization. Most Americans don’t know much about the world; most Americans know only one thing about the world: We are the good guys. And that’s beautiful, nothing beats a simple worldview. You still know that from the area of feminism: If you know who’s the bad guy, the day has structure. For a decade the world was straightforward: The empire of evil was in the east, Soviets and communism were antagonized, bulwarks against communism were erected across the globe, for example back then in Persia, today’s Iran. A likeable, talented, young dictator — the Shah of Persia, Reza Palahvi — got armed for so long until he had the world’s 4th or 5th biggest army at that time. As a bulwark against communism. To finance that army the Shah of Persia, in the good American tradition of Human Rights, oppressed and gagged his own people such that one day the desperate Persians gathered around a religious leader to get rid of the dictator. The religious leader was called Ayatollah Khomeini. In this case “likeable” isn’t the word of choice. You get a feel how desperate the Persians must have been. Or can you imagine the degree of desperation that you would need to back the pope to get rid of Gerhard Schroeder? Lets keep it real, the despair of the Germans wasn’t even big enough to back Edmund Stoiber. But back to the Iranian Ayatollah… That one worked. You can say about Khomeini what you want, but the guy managed a peaceful revolution. No shot was fired by remonstrants. Remonstrants were shot dead by the army, but new ones joined until one million were on the streets. The 4th biggest army, guns at the ready, opposite the remonstrants who said: “Shoot, come on, shoot! How many do you want to keep shooting at now?” “Nobody here is going to leave.” The army sensed the people’s determination. They moved back into the barracks, no shots were fired after that. The Shah of Persia had to flee. One of the mightiest dictators in that region had to flee. With Farah Diba and few bags full of cash. First towards Egypt, later to the buddies in the USA. There he moved into a suitable hole in the ground. So much on the subject of how a populace actually can get rid of a dictator. Todays experts on dictatorship see that differently, of course. Angela Merkel, for example. I best like to quote Angela Merkel by the letter: I have yet to find a better way to insult that woman. Angela Merkel said word-for-word before the war in Iraq: “I have lived in a dictatorship.” “I know dictators only understand the language of violence!” I was ashamed at that point. We should have supported Merkel in her battle of arms against Honecker. We should have tried to rescue’our brothers and sisters in the GDR by force, shouldn’t we? With a little bit of luck we could have avoided Merkel by means of collateral damage. Yeah, Merkel doesn’t say much content-wise; but if she does, then it’s nonsense. You can count on that. But back to Khomeini. Khomeini had driven away the Shah, but the Persians were pissed. The Americans had supported the dictator until the end. The Americans were pissed as well. Because all the nice weapons now were in the hands of Ayatollah Khomeini. A religious fundamentalist. A Muslim. Muslims. People who take their religion seriously. For Catholics unimaginable. The Iran, quasi over night in 1979, the Iran turned from bulwark against evil into the empire of evil itself. The Americans use to decide that on a day-to-day basis. Now the empire of evil had to be antagonized again, so they asked “Who can do that for us?” And again they found a likeable young man. He happened to live just around the corner, back then not yet in a hole in the ground. Saddam Hussein, a talented dictator at his time. The Americans said: “Hussein, we have been doing splendid business for a few years, we know you are a reliable, qualmless dictator.” “We continue arming you, you invade Iran, stop Khomeini with his Shiite theocracy.” “And the oil wells you can conquer you can keep as reward, we’ll look the other away if you straighten the border a little.” Hussein agreed at once, since he had never fancied the Islam. Hussein gives as much shit about Islam as Bush gives about Christianity. Come on, the American foreign policy doesn’t worry about human rights, it worries about mining rights and nothing else. So Saddam Hussein was armed. Hey, we armed him, too. There’s the list with the 68 German companies who armed Saddam Hussein. They were the ones who offered the inspectors last year to check whether everything was still there. In principle, Hussein is a fair business partner; he kept the promise and attacked Iran already in 1980. He attacked, but didn’t get far. The stupid Iranians defended themselves. That thing lasted. For eight years. Gulf war. For eight years Saddam Hussein, supported by the Americans, led a war of invasion against his innocent neighbor Iran. We were neutral. We enjoyed supplying both sides with arms. Well, there’s jobs in it. “Never again a war must be started without Germany.” (pun making fun of a pacifist slogan) …or something along those lines. After eight years Hussein recognized: “I can’t get in there. He retreated into his own country. The Americans were smirking — Khomeini had been kept busy for eight years one million dead, nice casualties on both sides — it was alright with the Americans, but Hussein still wanted his reward. There the Americans said: “What reward? Did you conquer any oil wells?” “Nope,” Hussein replied. “I didn’t.” “Well, duh! That is why you ended up without a reward now.” So Hussein became stroppy. So he was stroppy for a while and two years later he was like: “Well, then I’ll get the oil wells in Kuwait. It’s much easier to get in there, after all.” That, on the other hand, made the Americans stroppy: “One moment, my friend! Which country you invade that’s still our decision, pal!” “Hussein, take notes:” “Picking off Persians and gassing Kurds — nobody has a problem with that.” “But-occupying Kuwait — there the party has its end.” Hussein didn’t know what was happening. What had he done wrong? Did Hussein do anything different than in all the years before that? I need that explained. What did Hussein do different in 1990 than in all the years before? Did he change? No, he simply turned around… and attacked a different neighboring dictatorship. Kuwait is a dictatorship as well, like all the other countries down there. But over night Saddam Hussein turned from “fighter against evil” to “villain of the century”. The new Hitler was born. Lesser than that and our intellectuals won’t bother at all anymore. Our “intellectulles” are measuring everything in units of Hitler. You are allowed to look up the essays in “Der Spigel” again. 1991 — Hans Magnuns Enzensberger, Wolf Biermann: “The New Hitler!” — There you have a prime example of what alcohol can do to humans. Now the new Hitler had to be antagonized again. The Americans at once: “Hitler? That’s a job for our top!” They stationed a big army around the Persian Gulf. Daddy Bush brought the army there and since then the Americans sit at the Persian Gulf and in the countries with the oil wells. Because how has it been put by Henry Kissinger, the old fox and bearer of the Nobel peace prize: “Oil is too important to be left in the hands of Arabs.” Stupidly enough, those countries with the oil wells are as well the countries with the Islamic sanctuaries. And there one has to ask: “What were the thoughts of the Lord here?” — “Burying our nice oil where all the Muslims are?!” Because just the presence of American soldiers in those countries is an affront for a believing Muslim. For a believing Muslim this is blasphemy, a sacrilege. Through the presence of unbelieving soldiers the sanctuaries are being desecrated. This simply is their belief you have to accept that. You are free to think that’s funny. We like to think of the Islam as funny, jokes are made during carnival, “Women are wearing head scarves.” “72 virgins await the martyr in paradise!” “Haha, what a ludicrous religion!” Dunno, what stuff are you believing in? Do you dig Trinity or virginity? Are you visiting the temple on Sunday? Visit the Copperfield show? I mean, are you nibbling at the body of Christ? Do you realize? It’s pretty easy to make fun of people and religions. Everybody has the right to believe something, that’s freedom of religion. Everybody has the right to believe in something — hey, if he’s right.. From my point of view, all people believing in things like that are just too lazy to think for themselves… But even that i s just my opinion. Who is right? Who knows? Maybe we will know that at some time. If I’m right, we will never know about it. But one thing! One thing you have to accept. For a believing Muslim, the American presence in those countries is like for a believing Catholic the deployment of Taliban within the Vatican would be. What is the Americans’ business there? Protect human rights? Do you have a better joke in your repertoire? What the American government thinks of human rights, even the last Arab has figured by now. Human intensive management in Guantanamo Bay. Taking humans for a stroll on dog leashes. Human rights! It isn’t about human rights in the Middle East, stop with that babble already. If it were about human rights, the Uno had to have been there decades ago! You have to go in there with blue helmet troops, protecting Palestinians and Israelis from each other! You have to get at the extremists on both sides, the profiteers of the conflict, both sides’ extremists. Arafat and Sharon in one padded cell, that would be a start, that would be a symbol. But… peace in the Middle East, that would be an American nightmare. Just imagine the young Israelis and the young Arabs making up. One has the crude oil, the other the know-how. The American would be out in the cold. The only goods Americans are still able to produce on a world class level are weapons. Already they have to import everything that’s more complicated than a fridge. Peace in the Middle East would be their nightmare. It’s not about the human rights, it’s about the resources. At least it’s being said openly by now: it’s about the oil, ladies and gentlemen. Finally the truth sees some daylight. That’s also why the Bundeswehr [German army] had to be reformed: Because the NATO has new tasks. And there the Bundeswehr is somewhat cumbersome by being a defensive force. Purely a defensive army! The constitution! What a load of rubbish it contains. The Bundeswehr is only good for stalling the enemy at the borders until military shows up. But there never came an enemy! All those years not! The only thing our tanks were good for was crop damage in the Lueneburg Heath. We had to see the truth after 60 sad years: Nobody wants to play war with us Germans if we don’t start it. And now German soldiers should be allowed to fight everywhere again! Today Peter Struck [German sec. of def. then] says: “Germany is being defended at the Hindu Kush!” When he said that sentence early this year, at some point I already knew something was wrong with his circulation [was later in hospital due to a stroke(?IIRC)] The NATO has a new doctrine that says: NATO soldiers — that includes Bundeswehr soldiers — can be deployed outside alliance territory (“out of area”)… when, for example, our resource supply seems to be in danger. You have to savour that one on your tongue. We sstopped protecting just what we own, now we also protect what we would like to own. The people without [Lebens-]Raum has become the people without resources. And vernacular language calls it “our oil”. People are talking that way in the streets. In the pubs. “Our oil” “What’s Johnny Arab doing with it? He’s just sitting around on it.” Our economy needs it — our oil. Following the same logic, Hussein could have come over here to defend his gas stations. The USA have attacked Hussein twice, and twice they have crushingly defeated him. Because he isn’t a Hitler, Mr Enzensberger. You might be good at interpreting poems, but please, just shut up when it’s about the remaining stuff. Hussein has always used tactics, checked out what goes and what doesn’t fly. Think back to the first war against Hussein, 1990. The Americans had stationed that giant army there, daddy Bush deployed them, on January the 17th in 1991 it began precision bombings. Today the Americans are able, with surgical precision, they can with surgical precision, from 5 km height, — they can’t build machine that can count ballots — but they can from 5 km height, with surgical precision, drop those UNO banned fragmentation bombs all around the civilian population. Now, if someone makes a dump jump to the side, you can’t do anything about that. What the Americans hit back then has become known afterwards. They destroyed thousands of Iraqi tank fakes. The inflatable one, those sex shop models. The frontal land assault happened. It was announced by daddy Bush as the biggest tank battle of all times. After all, they were up against Hitler and his mad army. The tank battle then cost 14 or 17 American soldiers their lives. It that a tank battle? Please. Every fog accident on the A3 has more action. [A3 = Autobahn 3] Taken both wars against Hussein together, less American soldiers died than people are being shot dead in the streets of Chicago each year. And half of them in both wars were shot by their fellow comrades. Same as at home — by guys from Chicago. “Killed by friendly fire”, like the Americans say. Do you really call that a war? When one sides loses 150 people, the other 30000? That’s a war for you? Are you that cynical? I call that a beating someone up. This time the Americans didn’t even pretend that it was a war. They just drove in there with their tanks. They were advancing with their small troop so fast towards Baghdad, the only problem was refueling the tanks. Their fuel trucks couldn’t get to and fro fast enough. They resorted to buying gas at ordinary Iraqi gas stations. Now, that’s a war, eh? Just imagine The Russian before Cologne has to go back to Dusseldorf to pump some gas. “Do they take Rubel there?’ “No, no Visa.” “Rubel. It’s war. Rubel.” “And also two Mars bars!” With what was the great army of Iraq supposed to fight? The Iraq army has old tanks, they can destroy others over a 500 meter distance. The Americans do know that very well. The Americans brought in the newest tanks, they can destroy others over a mile of distance. Satellite supported navigation, targeting systems and reconnaissance. Guess three times who is going to win. You could as well send [heavy-weight] Vitali Klitschko after a three year old and say: “Beware! The little one has a mighty left hook. Take care!” But Hussein had the WMD! The whole country was filled with WMD! Where did those go to, actually ? That’s something one asks oneself, too. Putin has said a beautiful sentence. Shortly after the war had ended last year, Putin said: “If I were the Americans, I would find some.” Even for that that army of stoners is too stupid. Well, but Putin was once boss of the KGB. Bush just was a member of the local AA. Where are the WMD? Where are all the reasons for the war gone? Do you remember the reasons for the war? First it was: “Hussein is behind 9/11, he’s connected somehow!” “He has at least financed it, he’s close to Al Qaeda if not the driving force behind it.” When that wasn’t enough for a war, it suddenly was: “He is close to developing the bomb!” He bought uranium in Africa!” “The English secret service of Tony Blair… has and air-tight dossier that proves that he bought uranium in Africa!” When that still wasn’t enough, the anthrax attack happened, you remember? Anthrax attack in America, that also was Hussein, yeah, sure, who else could have done that? Still not enough, suddenly the WMD entered the game. Vast amounts of WMD. Then it was: “In three quarters of an hour he can attack all of Europe! Another dossier by the British secret service: “He can attack all of Europe in 3/4 of an hour.” Do you know who told that to the British secret service? The current prime minister of Iraq, Mr Allawi. Do you know him actually? That’s a former secret service member of Saddam Hussein. An old buddy of Hussein. Together they oppressed the people back in the good old days. Then sometime they were at odds with each other like it sometimes happens among criminals. Allawi lost and had to flee. He run away to England. And from there, since then, he managed the resistance against his old buddy Hussein, including attacks in Iraq and everything that goes with it. And to finally get the world populace to reinstall him there, he told the English he knew that Hussein had weapons to attack all of Europe in 3/4 of an hour. In thanks the English made him prime minister now. Not one of the reasons was valid. Just a pack of filthy lies. Many were already saying that back then. How did Mr Schaeuble put it, concerning claims that the war was unjustified? Mr Schaeuble said, during a speech: “The Iraq war is a bad solution.” “But an even worse solution would be… a humiliated world power USA.” There you can see what a cup of a possible president has rolled by us. Never forget it again: the perverted world view of Phd Wolfgang victim Schaeuble. Schaeuble basically said: “A few thousand dead Iraqis are bad. But it would be even worse if Bush’s government would have had to admit to have lied.” |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-freezing-hot-transcript/ | Iliza Shlesinger: Freezing Hot (2015) – Full Transcript | iliza shlesinger | We’re in Denver. I have what I’m hoping is altitude sickness and not some, like, weird form of meningitis. They keep telling me it’s not meningitis, but they don’t know. We’ve got an amazing crowd. All the tickets are gone, which is great. All fans. People who are coming to my show should expect a healthy dose of very honest, hilarious, aggressive comedy. The special’s called Freezing Hot, so the set is freezing hot. There’s a big old explosion in the background, palm trees and snow, and then there’s a surprise at the end: my girl Blanche. When I first started traveling, I decided to get her so I’d have someone to be with me on the road, and fans like her. Come here! Okay, thank you. We have to go make an hour special. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Iliza Shlesinger! Thank you! Denver! I picked… I picked this city. I picked this city as my favorite city to do comedy in, for this special. Thank you. Thought it was gonna be a lot colder. Really did. I always feel like weather is something you can use to ingratiate yourself toward other girls. Guys have sports, when they meet: “What’s up, bro? You see 30 for 30?” “Fuckin’ right, I did. Yeah.” With girls, it’s not fashion or anything else, it’s the weather. It’s like, “Oh, my God, it was so hot. Like, earlier.” And then the other girl’s like, “It was so hot! I noticed that, I feel. I love it when it’s hot, but not too hot. Do you know what I’m talking about?” “I know what you’re saying. Like, I totally get it. But not too hot. But I also like it when it’s cold.” “Me too, but not too cold, no. If it’s too cold, it’s like, brrr.” I like to talk about the weather. But the weird thing for being a girl is even if you live in cold weather, girls always have an issue with deciding what outer layer we should wear. We always defer to the guy. Like, “Babe! Should I do a jacket? Jacket? A short one? A long one? You’re not looking? Okay. If I should do a jacket. For the… Are we going to the thing? Do a jacket? Should I do it? Should I do a jacket? Will you just pause Halo for two seconds? Thanks. Jacket… should I do it? Should I do a jacket? Not a jacket. Should I just do, like, four scarves and no pants? Seems counterintuitive. Do a jacket? Jacket? Jacket? Jacket?” Finally her boyfriend’s like, “Yeah, bring a fuckin’ jacket!” And you’re like, “I don’t want to bring a jacket!” – “Why not?” – “‘Cause then I have to carry it!” Girls hate the idea of carrying a jacket. “It’s too heavy!” The female body is capable of carrying a human being… for nine months, but apparently a lightweight jacket stuffed with feathers is where we draw the line. “Should I bring a jacket?” In your 20s, you never bring a jacket. Some of you are in your 20s, so remember, like, yesterday? Do it. In your 20s, you never brought a jacket. You’re invincible and a little stupid. “I don’t need one.” That’s why it’s so funny for those over 30 to watch 20-year-olds at, like, 2:00 a.m., like, braving the cold. Shivering. Doing this shit with their dresses. Like, pulling it down. All those shoes cracking under the pressure. “My dress won’t…” “You’re not wearing a dress! It’s a tube sock!” You always rationalize it. “It’s not that far from the car to the bar.” In your 20s, you risk that icy walk for the glory of not having to wear a jacket. You have no problem with that two-minute walk. Not every girl makes it. I’ve lost many a hot Amber to that walk. You’re like, “Where’s Amber?” Amber’s frozen. Like, “Go! Order a lemon drop and toast to my memory!” It’s the worst when you’re cold, you can’t find your car. If you’re with a group of girls, resign yourself to the fact you’re probably not going to find your car. Even if you’re brilliant, there’s something in the genetic makeup of women that disables us from remembering where the car is parked. It’s rare that a woman parks the car and is like, “Boop! Okay, I’m in spot 4-F. Let me remember that. Let me be responsible for my choices in this life. Something disengages and takes over, and we’re just like, “Boop! What’s this?” And then we just, like, wake up in a Sephora. Always bring at least one guy. There’s something in the male makeup. Men always find the car. They throw down breadcrumbs, Hansel and Gretel-style. Maybe they’ve got a tracking device in their junk. I don’t know. Like, ping, ping, ping! He may not even find your car. He will find you a car, and you’ll get in it. Guys, I’ll tell you a secret: We don’t want to look for the car. It’s boring. If I do a scan and I don’t see it, I’m like, “Someone stole it!” That’s always the go-to. “Stole it!” Sometimes we’ll act like we’re stressed, even if we’re not. That’s our go-to. Women have been told they’re feebleminded. Once in a while, we’ll play into it to our advantage. “I don’t know where the car is, okay? I’m sorry! You’re perfect! And I don’t know where the car is. I don’t even… I don’t know where the car is, okay? I’m trying, okay? I’m stressed out because I’m working, like, ten hours a week. And I’m like… There’s the car. Thank you, Officer, we found it. Like your jacket.” Girls always defer to the guy when it comes to weather questions. Every girl’s done this, where you wake up in the morning, next to your husband, your boyfriend, or whatever Dairy Queen manager Tinder has set you up with. 8:00 a.m., first thing out of your mouth, you’re like, “Babe… is it cold outside?” And your boyfriend wants to be there for you. He’s like, “I don’t know ’cause I’m inside.” “It’s chilly. Chilly.” Girls hate being cold. We hate it. Girls don’t like to be chilly. Guys, don’t let your date get cold. We’re not happy when we’re cold. “Come here, babe. I gonna warm you up.” “Don’t fucking touch me. It’s not what I want.” Girls don’t want to have sex when they’re cold. In my life, I’ve never been like, “Oh, my God, I’m so cold, I just wish I had somebody to fuck!” It doesn’t really happen. We don’t get horny when we get cold. It sends a message to our brain: Time to go home. Time to hibernate. Time to watch a show on TLC about a 600-pound woman eating herself to death. That’s what we want to do. “Cold!” Don’t let your date get cold. We’re not happy when we’re cold. The body language for “I’m cold” and “I’m fucking pissed at you” is the same body language. Girls don’t like being cold… but we love cold weather. That’s girl logic for you. Everything’s a contradiction wrapped in a bow. “It gets pretty. Glitter.” It’s the same thought process that’s like, “I’m gonna wear tight pants, but don’t you look at my butt!” “I am so cold, I’m sweating. It is freezing hot in here. I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel.” All girls love fall. I don’t know if you know that. All girls are required to love fall. Yeah. Required. That’s right. When we applied to be girls… went to the girl counter. They hold your girl card up. “What’s your favorite season?” And you go, “It’s fall, motherfucker.” And they’re like, “All right. Here’s your girl card, your uggs, your glitter. Go have fun, be insecure.” That’s what being a girl is. Girls love fall so much, I’ve been planning this fall since July… of, like… of, like, two years ago. We fucking get into fall. You don’t even have to tell girls when it’s fall. We know. Oh, we sense it. We get into it. The second it turns fall, the second a leaf falls somewhere in, like, Connecticut, we feel it. Sit at home, watching TV. Outside the temperature drops from, like, 86 to 63. We pop out of the ground like gophers. We sense that fall is here. Watching TV, fall comes, we’re just like… – “Did you feel that?” – “It was a breeze.” “- Fuck yeah! Cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves… – pumpkin everything! Pumpkin! Eat the pumpkins! Let’s plan fall shit!” You drag your boyfriend by the teeth. “Let’s go! We’re doing fall shit! We’re going apple-picking!” “Babe, there’s no apple orchards in Los Angeles.” “Fine. I’m going to the grocery store and throw apples at children. Something!” We go on Pinterest, start pinning fall ideas. Leaves, that’s a fun thing we like to fuck with. Every year the leaves change color, and we lose our shit. Every… “Did you see the leaves? Oh, my God! Last week they were green, and now they’re brown!” They’re not brown. They’re fuckin’ dead, you sicko! They’re fuckin’ dead, and you’re doing crafts with their corpses. Have you no respect for nature? That was a living thing, you monster! “What are you gonna do with your dead leaves?” “I’m gonna make a pile on the front lawn so the kids can play in the death. What are you gonna do with your dead leaves?” “I’m gonna make a wreath on the front door as a warning to other dead leaves not to fuck with me!” – “Did you just eat a leaf?” – “I did.” Pin pin pin. We love Pinterest. All girls love Pinterest. Anyone? Yes! Pinterest. Porn for white women. We love it. We love planning things on Pinterest. Lot of girls plan weddings on Pinterest. One of my girlfriends got married on Valentine’s Day. And, joking, I was like, “Oh, my God, that’s so fun. What was your theme?” Dead serious, she was like, “We did, like, love, but, like, under the stars… under the sea. So…” I was like, “Okay, it’s a wedding, not a prom.” I tell you what, Denver, if and when I get married, I’m gonna get married the day after Valentine’s Day, and my theme is going to be “75 percent off chocolate.” Right? Yeah! ‘Cause it’s my day! Guys, any of you that are engaged, your fiancee has already planned your entire wedding on Pinterest. She’s planned your wedding, future vacations, your fucking funeral. It’s on Pinterest. And we don’t do it when you’re looking, no, ’cause if you saw how creepy we got with Pinterest, you wouldn’t have us. We do it under the cloak of night. We wait. We get a pumpkin spice latte and we go in. We log on to Pinterest. Gentlemen, Pinterest for girls is like Call of Duty for guys. I got a fuckin’ headset on, talkin’ shit to 14-year-olds in Michigan. First person pinning pictures of Channing Tatum. Like, “He’s mine! Ha ha!” Pin pin pin pin pin. You get into these creative downward spirals, pinning and pinning. Am I looking at porn? Pin pin pin pin pin. I’m not even sure at this point. Natural water birth? Why am I pinning that? Pin pin pin pin pin. Looking outside six hours, seven hours, 24 hours later. – Open the mini blinds. – It’s sunny outside! Keep pinning for the glory! Babe! I want to show you what I’m pinning for my wedding… our wedding. Oops. Ha ha! Come in here. I want to show you. I have all these fun ideas. We should do a chocolate waterfall. Instead of chocolate, we should do bridesmaid’s tears. I think it’s fair. It’s only fair. I want to show this to you. Come in here, Brian, Ryan… Who gives a shit what your name is? I’m getting married. I want to show this to you. Do you like the pink napkins or the red napkins? I think there’s a difference. I’m so stressed out, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know. Do you think I’m pretty? I don’t know. I don’t know what the theme should be. You know what the theme should be? That your mom’s a bitch, that’s what the theme should be. This is so hard, but I want to do it anyway, because I love you so much, and it’s gonna be amazing! I can do it, man. I’m gonna be on all these ideas. We should do a swan. We should do a dove. We should do a swan made of doves. Babe, will you Google Human Centipede, but for doves, and see if we can sew them together ATM-style? Yes, I know what “ATM” is, I’ve seen your porn. I love you anyway. # Dum dum da-dum, I’m getting married before my sister # I want to show this to you. What? Yes, I’m wearing a diaper! I’m not getting up. I want to show this. It’s going to be amazing. Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Is it cold outside? Pin pin pin pin. Girls get cold easily because we’re not allowed to eat as much as we want in one sitting. Trying to get another girl to admit she’s hungry, it’s like a standoff. You can’t admit you’re hungry. That’s admitting weakness, defeat. “Are you hungry? Me neither. So…” – “Are you hungry?” – “No, I ate last week, so…” “I could do this all day. I’m chewing my on tongue. It feels good enough.” Eventually one, usually the smaller one, will concede. “I’ll… if you’re… I’ll go with you. If you’re hungry, I’ll go with you. I’ll go with you. I’ll go with you.” Subtext: I’ll watch you get fat. “I’ll go with you. I’ll have, like, a bite. Whatever you get, I’ll have a bite. I’m easy. I eat everything, except for nothing, so… I eat nothing except for everything. I don’t understand what I’m saying either. I’m so fucking hungry. Please, let’s go have a bite. A bite of a bite. Do you want to get tapas?” One girl always throws tapas out there. “Do you want to do tapas? What are they? They’re small plates. You do, like, five to ten per person. It runs you about 100 bucks each. Totally worth it. Yeah.” Girls love anything small, not filling, and expensive. We would eat diamonds if we could. “They’re tapas. They’re small plates. It’s Spanish. What Spanish? It’s, like, their Spanish, not the country below the United States. It’s a different Spanish. It’s got a fucked-up ‘th.’ I went to Spain for two days when I was 16, so I’m cultured, okay? They’re small plates. Platito. They’re so small, it’s like a Frisbee for a rat. Like, small plates. It’s like a monocle for an amoeba. Just, like, really small. One time I ate the plate, on accident. That was pretty horrific. Small plates.” It’s an absolute joke. I don’t like anything about it. Comes on a wooden block, like you’re eating lunch at Home Depot. Some guy, with his bare hands, balls up some ham in the corner and then throws some shards of manchego cheese and some haphazard drizzle of honey so you can eat like an Andalusian farmer taking a lunch break in a field in 1830 for, like, a hundred bucks. Cool. “Small plates.” One friend gets annoyed you don’t want her suggestion. “You don’t want tapas? Fine. Just trying to accommodate the group.” Guys don’t ever get tapas. It’s a girl food. “You wanna get tapas?” It’s never dudes. “Now, look, bro! Wanna get tapas? We’ll go after fantasy draft. You wanna do tapas? We’ll get one meatball, split it with four dudes, no homo.” “You don’t like my suggestion? What do you want? Do you want to do a flatbread? You want to do a flaahbread? What is it? It’s like a thin crust pizza, but, like, annoying.” It’s always the one girl in the group that suggests the flatbread. “Do you guys want to do it for everyone, a flatbread?” She’s the one suggesting it. She’s the one that got everyone together. She’s the one that printed the Groupon. Her name is usually something like Amanda. “You want flatbread? Do you? You do? Not eating? Don’t do gluten? Not doing dairy? You don’t do fun? Sleeping? That’s weird. We’re in public. Do you want flatbread? Ask her. Does she want flatbread? I can’t. My phone’s dead. I can’t text her. Ask her if she wants flat… Do you want flatbread? I’m asking if you want a… Aflac! Do you want flaahbread? Ask Cynnamon with a Y if she wants flatbread. Then tell Kinnamon with a K her name is not phonetically sound. Okay. I’m gonna do the ordering. Hi! We’re in a rush because we’re entitled. Um… Wanna do one flatbread for the 40 of us, yeah? She’s not eating, she’s gonna have a bite, doesn’t do dairy, doesn’t do gluten, she doesn’t know what gluten is, but feels like she doesn’t do it this week. And we’re gonna do… What do you guys want to drink? No, don’t order your own. We’re just gonna do a trough of white wine. Yeah? How do you want to drink it? You’re being annoying. Stop. No, we don’t need glasses. We’re just gonna drink it with our hands! What do you guys want to get on it? Let’s just go crazy. Let’s do half goat cheese, half air. Thank you! Flaahbread!” Went on a date recently. Uh… I made a real effort in my 30s. I’m 31. Made a real effort to try to date normal guys. When you’re in your 20s, you can date whoever you want. You’ll live forever, you’re hot, you’re in your 20s. “Wanna go out? We’re both carbon-based. Let’s do it.” And it’s, like, fine. Tried to make responsible choices in my 30s. Recently I went out with someone based on the way he was dressed. – He was an accountant. – But, okay. I’ll carry the conversation. That’s fine. He had a plaid shirt, tucked into khakis. Okay. All right. Little nerdling. That’s okay. Cell phone in a holster on his hip. Dad-style. To the dads in the audience and subsequently watching this, what text is coming in so fast you have to have your hand ready O.K. Corral-style? And then what are you sending out so fast that it’s rendering your cellular device smoking, and you’ve got to holster it? The point is, he was dressed responsibly. Nonthreatening. Nice, like an adult. I knew I had to respond in kind. I couldn’t dress like a 19-year-old lesbian Hot Topic manager. I get it. Made a real effort, folks. I made a real effort. Asked my girlfriends that are in their mid-30s… dating awhile, very mature, right? “What should I wear?” “You need to get… like, a silk blouse. So, just wear it and, like, cover that shit up and just tuck it in, blouse it out, silk blouse.” I’m here to say right now, I reject a silk blouse. Fuck a silk blouse, okay? Yes! Just because you’re not 20 doesn’t mean you have to be ashamed of your body. I don’t need to wear a tent over it, okay? They’re burkas for American women. I said it and I meant it. All right? They’re oppressive, ugly, hot, shapeless, and if you wear an underwire bra under your silk blouse and you sweat through it, it’s gonna look like a face with its eyes closed. Fuck a silk blouse. But I bought one anyway. I’ll be like, whatever. Went to a nice store. Made a real effort. I went to a Nordstrom…’s. I asked the sales girl… she was 19, and just hot. – “I need a silk blouse.” – “What about this one?” It was white. It had black splotches all over it. She was like, “It’s abstract.” I was like, “Yeah, like a Rorschach test, but less interesting.” She’s like, “I don’t get it.” I’m like, “That’s ’cause you work here. Okay.” “No, it’s like a fun pattern.” I’m like, “That’s a cow print. Like, one hundred percent. It’s black splotches. I’m gonna look like a model for Gateway printers. I’m not wearing that.” Here’s the fact: it’s a cow print. You can’t wear it if you’re normal. If you’re a model, you can wear something stupid and look hot. You can wear a blousy cow print and be like, “Fuck yeah. Moo, motherfuckers. Unh! Unh! Moo, yeah, unh! Unh, right?” Not dicks, udders. Normal girl wearing a cow pattern, if you tuck in a blousy cow, you’re gonna look like a cow that had gastric bypass surgery. Just blousy. Tucked-in blousy cow, so I got it. Tucked-in blousy cow.
Then I bought pants that were very tight. You want to wear tight pants. The tighter the pant, the more effort it shows you’ve put into it, okay? Not unlike Chinese foot-binding, you want your pants so tight that they form your muscles and bones into this kind of, like, palsy effect. Okay?
And you want to have shoes that are so high, the heel is so high, that you are literally cantilevered off the edge and it forms a dainty hump in the back. Men like this, trust me. Men love a good hump, okay? Like this. So you’re ready. So you’ve got blousy cow, palsy pants. You want your shoes so high that you can’t run from your rapist if you want. Blousy cow, palsy pants, and I was ready for the date. I brought a special bag. There’s a special bag women are required to carry on a first date. It’s called a clutch. Small mouse purse. A clutch, for those that don’t know, is neither a synonym for the word “cool,” nor does it have to do with a car. A clutch is a tiny purse that women carry on a first date. The reason we carry it is because we can’t carry a big bag, ’cause men don’t like big bags. First, it’s not attractive. You can’t show up to a guy’s house going, “Hey! Huh huh. Ready for our first date, Steve? Well, I just brought my… …bag right here. We don’t gotta go to no fancy dinner or nothing. Nope, I brought me a hot plate. We can just plug it in right here. We can do it on the lawn, unless you’re ashamed of me. You got an external power source? Maybe a generator? I call mine Jenny. It’s a little joke. We could… Do you like beans, Steve? I brought beans. I don’t need a can opener. I’ve got this shit.” We carry the little bag because men don’t like big bags. Men don’t like big bags because big bags scare men. You show up with a big bag, guys’ first thought is, “Fuck, she’s trying to move in.” That’s the first thought. Men don’t like surprises. They’re already weirded out by women in general. They don’t know what’s in that bag. You could have guns, medication. “What’s in the bag? What’s in the bag? What’s in the bag! Tampons, alimony papers, Gwyneth Paltrow’s head? What’s in the bag?” Could have medication in there, restraining order. Taking around that garbage with you, that’s why it’s called baggage. So we carry a little, tiny clutch, carry a tiny bag to fool you. We want you to think all this perfection… I said perfection!… comes from the contents of this tiny rat purse. “Just a couple of things.” Every girls’ told that lie. “It takes me, like, ten minutes to get ready, so…” As you’re telling the lie, you can feel it. “- I promise, I’m telling the truth. – It’s fine. Ten minutes.” And no woman in this room has ever closed a clutch on the first try. Because… it’s true. “It was hard getting here. It wouldn’t close on the first try.” Because when women pack for a first date, we don’t pack for the date we’re going to have, we pack for the date we want to have. Imaginations take over. “I should bring one lip gloss for every degree the sun sets, ’cause we’re gonna watch the sunset from the yacht. Do it. Also, bring my AAA card, in case his Porsche breaks down. He has a Porsche. What if he’s, like, a secret millionaire, and he, like, wants to make sure that, like, I love him for him and not his money, ’cause he’s had problems with other girls in the past wanting him for his money, and he didn’t know if their love was pure? I’ll pretend, like, ‘You don’t have to test me, ‘ but he does, because I really like money, but I’m gonna pretend it’s not a big deal. And maybe he’s the prince of a recently liberated country that I don’t care about, and I should pretend I care about him, so I should plan for this date to be amazing, so I should bring a passport in case we go to dinner in Paris.” You get it all in the bag, start to zip it. You’ve got it in your teeth, the zipper. Fuckin’ close! Please! You get it, like, halfway zipped. You can’t go on a date with a bag zipped halfway. That’s ratchet. So what do you do? You take everything out, all your accessories, you lay ’em all out. You gotta make some cuts. So sorry, ladies. You’re all very valuable to the team. Not everyone can make varsity. And rather than get rid of anything, right, what do you do at least once? You make an attempt to put everything back in the bag, but slowly… thinking if you’re somehow purposeful in your actions, you will sneak up on the bag… and it won’t know that it’s full. And you get it down to one thing, and then you snap. You’re like, Fuck it! Everything goes in! LUNA bars, Activia, uggs, Dad issues. Let’s go. So we went to a bar, and we’re sitting there, and we sit down, and he ordered one drink… the whole night. Here’s my problem with that. Um… It was a Friday night, and I’m a lady. I want to party, but I’m a lady. So, if you only have one drink, that means I’m only going to have one drink. If I only have one drink, how the hell am I supposed to want to touch you later? Okay? Yes. Thank you for being honest. Do the math on that one, accountant. Yeah. Anyone not laughing, you’re lying to yourself. That’s what alcohol is for. Loosen yourself up a bit. Make choices you wouldn’t normally make. “Whatever. I had some wine. It’s okay.” Otherwise, why waste the calories? Let’s all just have a glass of warm milk and punch ourselves in the face. He didn’t even get alcohol. He had a beer. He had, like, an IPA. And he had, like, taken a sip of his. I was done with my vodka soda. I thought we were having a race. Sipping on his beer, I’m down to the ice in my drink, tonguing it like a dog on a hot day. Just like… I’m running into the bathroom, taking shots of Scope from the attendant, trying to get, like, a prison buzz, introduce alcohol. I’m holding my breath, trying to get some kind of high. My problem wasn’t necessarily that he only had one drink. My problem with it, really, was that I had a problem with it. I should have been mature about it. And had I been dating more in my 30s, I think I would have been okay with that situation. My friends in their mid-30s, they’d be okay with that drink. I wish that I was. I wish I could have normal girl thoughts. I wish I’d sit and have the drink and have normal girl thoughts. “This one drink is really nice. I’m so grateful. This is great. He seems like a really sweet guy. He’s got really nice eyes. I wonder what they’d look like in a jar.” Like, normal thoughts. But I’m still of the mindset that when I get a drink in me, – it sends a message to my brain… – that it’s go time! That’s what it says, all right? I’m 31, I’m not 90. It was Friday, not a Tuesday during high tea. Let’s make some fucking mistakes. That’s what it’s about. I got… I feel a lot of people are wired this way. A sip of liquor sends a message to my party goblin that it’s time to do it. Some people have party goblins that have lost their ability to walk, from partying too much. My party goblin sleeps on a bunk bed, on the top bunk. My dignity sleeps on the bottom bunk. He is not invited. The second I taste liquor, it wakes her up. She smells it in my brain. She’s dreaming of eating frozen pizza, ’cause she’s a monster. “Huh?” “Vodka. Top shelf.” She goes to the megaphone that controls my actions. We’ve all had party goblin control our actions. “You need to rage! Find the door guy! Ask him if he has drugs! Do not specify. See what he comes up with! Do it! Fuckin’ go! Jump on top of that table. Start dancing. There is no music. I will provide the music. # La la la la la la-la-la la! # You look so pretty. Jump off that table. Run outside. Push that cop, see if he finds it adorable. Ask if you can touch his gun. The answer’s always no. Go over to that CVS. Find the dairy aisle. Grab some whipped cream. Do some Whip-its. It might kill you. It’s fucking worth it. Go outside. Take a picture. Put it on Instagram. Take it down ten minutes later ’cause, oops, we could see your nipple!” Like, that’s how it usually is. So, we left the bar, right? Super buzzed off of our drink. And he drove me home, so now we’re in front of my house, okay? We’re sitting in front of my house. This is where a kiss takes place. This is where a first kiss takes place. Now, as a girl, you know when you’ve put out the vibe that you want a kiss, all night, okay? Men and women are wired differently. Men are putting out the vibe all the time. Right now, lot of vibes, all the time. “God, I hope she sees my wiener.” That’s what… The vibe is ever-present with guys. “You want this? Yeah? Anyone? Anyone. No? Little bit? What, you’re calling the cops? Okay. See you on Facebook. Okay.” For girls, we’re very specific about when we put out the vibe. Can’t just throw that shit around. Got to be specific. Every girl’s got things she does to throw out the vibe. Maybe touch her hair a little bit. “That’s funny.” Maybe you show off part of your body. Every girl’s got that one body part better than any other girl’s. Maybe it’s your forearm. Maybe all night, you’re like, “Fuck, yeah. Yeah? Ehh? You want it? You wanna fuck, eh? Yaaahhhh. That’s weird? Okay.” When a girl knows that a guy’s a little vulnerable and into her, we become like an evil witch in Enchanted Forest, and the guy becomes, like, the lost ingenue. Say your girlfriend broke up with you. Let’s say you were cheated on. You’re a little wounded. You’re sitting there. “I hope I find a girl.” And we, out of nowhere, are just like… “Hello. Apple? What’s that? Yes, I used to work in a pharmacy. Whole new life for myself.” We start saying things to you to lure you in. “Yes, this way. Sports? I love sports. This way. This way. Come this way. Oh, yes. What? A relationship? Not me. No, I just want to fuck in perpetuity until you grow tired of me. This way! Yes, what’s that? Your ex-girlfriend? She sounds like a bitch I would love to fight with my shirt off. This way. This way to my gingerbread house. Yes. Yes. Come and nibble on the walls of my gingerbread house. Yes! What’s that? Yes, it’s a metaphor for my vagina. You’re very clever. This way. This way. Said the right things, did the right things. I knew we were gonna have a mouth kiss. Now, for the guy… he has to decide how he wants to kiss the girl. That’s a tough role. You have to decide how you’re gonna kiss a girl. If you kiss her too soft, you look like a big puss. If you kiss her too hard, charges will be filed. So you have to be careful. In this interaction, the girl also has her part to play. There are only three places you can look in the passenger side of a vehicle, only one of which is truly acceptable, okay? You cannot look right at him. That’s too much eye contact. He might take it as a threat. He might bite your neck. We don’t know what he’ll do. Okay? We don’t know. Plus, it’s creepy. “Do I kiss this girl? I don’t know.” And you’re just like… But you can’t stare out your passenger side window. That’s not enough eye contact, and you’ll look touched in the head. He’s looking at you. “Do I kiss this girl?” And you’re just like… Side note, ladies: If his window does this, do not date him. Okay. So the girl only has one option, and that is to sort of look down and stare at her hands, and all of a sudden become fascinated with her cuticle situation. “Amazing. I used to have feathers. That is so weird.” And sort of monitor the impending kiss out of your periphery. And when he gets about halfway, you strike. Teeth first, so you know that he knows you mean business. I’ve kissed two guys. I think I know what I’m talking about. So I was all set. Blousy cow. Palsy pants. Fuckin’ forearm. Creepy witch. Like, I was all set. I knew we were gonna have a mouth kiss, and apparently he had a different plan. He had a cheek peck planned. And I did not see that coming. Now I’m going to show you what happens when a cheek peck meets the intention of a mouth kiss. This is me, and this is him. “I’m just sitting here. Oh, my God. Nails.” Let’s see the slow-motion replay. Huh? No? Fuck! Tuck and roll! So embarrassing! It was so embarrassing. It was sexual rejection, like, in the weirdest form. I don’t even remember how I got in my house. I just know that I ended up there. What I think happened is that my embarrassment materialized into a magician’s smoke bomb. And I was just like, “This never happened!” And I was gone! So now I’m inside my house. We’ve all had this happen. It was, like, 10:30. We’ve had this happen where you come home earlier on a weekend than you thought you would. You were all planning to go out, and you come home way earlier. Guys, they want to go back out, right? You wanna get back out there, right? Go team. Get back out there. You want to get drunk and meet chicks. For girls, it’s a different motivation. “Why don’t you want to go back out?” “‘Cause I don’t wanna waste an outfit.” You try to contact your friends. There’s something energywise that makes it very difficult when you’re sober to go back out and rejoin your drunk friends. You ever try getting a location from your drunk friends? It’s like texting with a house cat. They send you the weirdest stuff. Here’s what happens. They don’t really care if they see you because they went out together. You went rogue. You went off on a date, selfish, went to go find love. Your friends formed a little mini-mob, and they band together and they formed a phalanx. “Let’s find dudes,” and they went out together. They don’t care if they see you. They send you weird texts. Like, “We don’t know the name of the bar! We don’t know how long we’ll be here. We’re in outer space. Come find us!” After, like, 20 minutes of trying, you resign yourself to the fact you’re gonna be home. What’s the first step? You take off your going-out clothes. I had a silk blouse on. I didn’t know how to care for it. I didn’t know what to feed it. I didn’t know. It’s the fanciest material. It’s like the caviar of the material family. I stood by open French windows for ten minutes waiting for bluebirds to come and undress me. Took it off. Put on my at-home clothes. Girls know what at-home clothes are. The clothes you put on when no one else is around. Super gross. All the guys here are like, “I’ve been with my girl when we’re by ourselves. She’s super cute.” No, we don’t do that. We don’t wear roll-down boxers and socks up to here ’cause you’re kind of a pedophile, and pigtails. We don’t do that when we’re by ourselves! Girls, we dig deep into the trunk of, like, old T-shirts. You pull out your T-shirt from middle school. It’s got paint on it. You got your Abercrombie varsity athletic pants from, like, 1997, stripes on ’em. You put those on, right? Sweatshirt’s got holes. Pants have holes. Underwear has holes. Socks have holes. Why are there holes in your clothes? Because tears corrode. And you wander listlessly through your house. You look homeless, but you’re in a home, so that doesn’t make sense. You wander from room to room. You’re just kind of not ready to go to bed yet. You go to a room where the light’s off. You flip it on. One percent of you is expecting there to be, like, a serial killer. Knowing full well if he’s there, you’re done for, ’cause you’re in your at-home clothes. Nothing’s… can’t defend yourself. Flip it back off. You wander into the kitchen. You don’t really make a meal for yourself, do you? You just stick your hand deep in a bag of deli turkey. Right? Couple of crackers. Maybe, like, two Starbursts for dessert. Staring at nothing. Maybe you have a show in the background. Maybe Frasier’s on, hypothetically me every night. Sitting there eating. You start saying weird things to your dog. “One day, you’ll be my wife.” I’m sitting there doing this. Phone buzzes. It’s a text message. Who’s it from? The accountant. What does it say? Is he gonna ask me out again? Does he like me? “Hey, Iliza, had a great time tonight. Would love to have kissed you, but I have to be up early.” I don’t even know how to answer that like a human. You sent me a text that is un-text-backable. And first of all, who are you making out with, wolverines, that your legs are immobile the next day? You send me something that stupid, I’m not giving you the dignity of a normal text back. You’re not even getting back a regular emoji. No winky face. No sad face. I’m going deep into that emoji bank and I am pulling out… fried shrimp. Fried shrimp. What bothered me about the whole thing is it was sexual rejection, no matter how you slice it. I wasn’t saying, “Let’s get married. Let’s make plans to meet my mom.” It was a kiss. And so, even though you denied the kiss, it’s still denying me sexually, which is very uncomfortable for girls. Guys get sexually rejected, it’s part of being a guy. “You want it? Nope? Okay. Anyone else? Hey? One over here. Dick over here. Penis over there. One, two, two, two. Sold! To the seven in the corner with low standards.” It was a mouth kiss. You rejecting that is the equivalent of you being like, “Hey, Iliza! You see this? None for you!” Let’s talk about this for a second. I talked about this on my last special. Every girl’s seen a guy do this. So, I’ve done some thinking on the topic of this… I want to let you girls know, ’cause girls get offended. “That’s so gross. Why are you doing that at a family picnic? What are you doing?” I want to give you peace of mind and let you know, it has nothing to do with you. He would be doing this whether you were there or not! Take it as an insult, take it as a compliment. I don’t have an issue that guys do this. My issue is that there’s no reciprocation on the female end. Gentlemen, you’d be very upset… if you were laying in bed, ready to have sex, game’s on pause, ready to go. And your girlfriend came out of the bathroom in just a T-shirt and no bottoms. “Hey, babe.” And she just did some sort of, like, weird vaginal puppetry. Hashtag vaginal puppetry. You’d be very upset if she just came out and was like, “Babe! Hey. Hey.” If there are any guys here not laughing, that’s how we feel about that! It would disrupt the entire cycle of human procreation. Men would cease having sex with women. They’d be super grossed out. They’d move to the woods. They’d take raccoons as wives. It would be horrible. What’s weird about it is, as a girl, you are open to the threat of a guy doing this at any point. If you’re dating a guy, he could do it a week in, a year in, ten years in. It could be in the bedroom, at a concert, the produce aisle. This could happen at any minute. That fear is ever present in your mind, so I think if men and women are to ever be fair and equal, guys should have an inherent fear of raptor vag. Hashtag raptor vag. It’s only fair. So I have a plan. Tonight, we strike. Every guy in here on a date is like, “Jesus. Fuck. Why did we buy tickets for this? They were free? Still.” Here’s my plan, okay? Tonight… while my boyfriend is sleeping… Let me take it back. I’m gonna get a boyfriend. Wait till he’s sleeping, okay? Sneak up in there… And when you do this, ’cause you’re going to do it, pinky swear? When you do it, you want to make sure that he’s in REM sleep. It’s the deepest, most luxurious sleep, okay? You need to check to see that he’s in REM sleep. How do you make sure someone’s in REM sleep? You open their eye… while they’re sleeping. You ever do this to someone while they’re sleeping? Fuck you guys! I’m not the only one that’s done this! And you say things like, “I love you! Look back and forth if you love me too!” Make sure he was sleeping. So he’s sleeping. And I go into the other room, and I would pin for a little bit… pin pin pin… and then I would go in, and I would take out my raptor claw, okay? And I would sharpen my nails down, not to a point that was sharp enough that you could stab a meerkat and eat it if you wanted to, but you want a rounded point so the pressure will be localized, okay? Like an apex of sorts, okay? Rounded. Like, if a raptor went to get a manicure, she’d be like, “Make it lovely.” So I’d make it lovely, and I’d sheath it for my own protection, and I’d go in, and I’d descend upon the sleeping boyfriend, and I would apply the raptor claw to his cheek, and I would gently stroke. Not enough to awaken, but merely to stir. Okay? Why am I doing that? I’ll tell you, what I’m doing is introducing external stimuli into his land of slumber. Who talks like that? I’m introducing external stimuli into his subconscious, thus permeating his dreams, okay? Whatever he’s doing in his dream, he’s gonna feel this. Somewhere in the back of his brain, he’s gonna be, “Oh, shit, raptor vag.” Doing this lets him know. It’s not unlike when you’re having a dream. Let’s say you’re talking to a model, and your alarm clock goes off. “Another reason I don’t like to wear underwear…” It’s the equivalent of that, okay? I would do this, so in his dreamland, he would feel that and he would know. And then, he’s still sleeping, but he’s feeling this, and then, for the final stage, I would sneak up to him, and I would sound the raptor mating call. It would resonate all throughout the land of Nod, and he would know. He’s in his dream, delivering his naked high school commencement speech, he would hear the raptor mating call, and he’d be like, “Oh, fuck, Mama’s here.” He would know. I’d get in his ear and do the raptor mating call right before I striked, okay? I stroked? I striked. I stricked? Okay. Do it. I’d get in his ear, raptor mating call. And he would, “Huh?” And I’d go… “That’s right, motherfucker!” It’s like a jacket. Girls are weird. We do weird things, but we’re cute, so it’s okay. Girls do crazy things. It’s our own brand of crazy. Guys do crazy things too, like rape and war. They do their own kind of crazy things. Girls have a more insidious kind of crazy. We’ll start a fight just to see if we can make it look like you started the fight. We have do it three times a year or we lose our standing in the club. Every girl’s done that, just to see how strong your powers are. “I don’t want to fight with you. Stop it. I didn’t start this. You started this, you started acting weird. – I don’t want to fight with you.” – “Bullshit.” “I don’t want to fight with you.” We’ll turn around, talk to a fake jury. “I don’t… What is this? I don’t want to fight with you. This is on you. I’m peaceful, you’re being a dick. I don’t even… stop it. What are you doing? You’re yelling. I don’t want to fight with you.” But in your girl head, you’re like… I wanna… I wanna fight with you. I woke up feeling chubby this morning… and that is somehow your fault. Get in the Octagon. We do all kinds of head games. “Go hang out with your friends. That’s fine. Do it. Go hang out with your friends. I dare you. I know you made plans with me. That’s fine. Go hang out with your friends. That’s fine. I want you to be happy. Do it. Go hang out with your friends.” There are no friends. Only Zuul. Look, I’m sure being a guy has its difficulties. I haven’t been one in a while. I don’t really know what that’s like. Girls have a lot of stuff that are being thrown at them all the time, and we have to suss out what’s good for us and weed out the positive messages. I truly believe our society operates on a currency of women’s insecurities, multibillion-dollar industries thriving on, “Just make them feel their bodies are unacceptable, then sell them some shit.” Look at any magazine. “You’re amazing, but you need to lose, like, ten pounds. Love your body, love your hair. Whatever you’ve done is wrong. You look like a sea monster.” Everything’s got a weird mixed message and a “whorey” undertone. “Be a bad girl. Own your sexuality. But if you fuck more than one dude, you’re a whore.” Like everything’s wrong. You can’t just go around effing dudes, but you can have sex with more than one. Even my eyeliner has a sexual message. It’s called Bad Gal. Fourteen-year-olds can buy this. Are they bad gals? Yeah, tiny bad gals. It comes with a little devil that sits on your shoulder. It whispers salacious things in your ear. – Oh, I’d better get ready for the… – “You’re a bad gal.” Better close that window. Better get ready… “Yeah, you wanna fuck in a Dumpster.” What are you talking about? Doesn’t sound like a bad gal as much as someone that just needs a home. I’m not a bad gal. I’m just trying to put on eyeliner so I don’t look like newborn hamster face. – “Yeah, you’re a bad gal.” – I’m not a bad gal! “You are. You want to give a hand job in an Acura going 50 in a 30, no insurance. You’re a bad gal.” What are you talking about? I have insurance. What’s my blush called? Flirty Girl. “Yeah, tart it up, you hooker! Yeah! Look super horny, ready to go. You’re a flirty girl. Dressed like that, you’re asking for it!” Dressed like what, like a cool mom out on mom’s night out? Dressed like what? “Yeah, you wanna fuck in a Dumpster!” What’s with you and fucking with Dumpsters? – “I wanna fuck in a Dumpster.” – Well, you’re projecting! Again, my issue with it isn’t that there’s a sexual undertone. My issue is that it’s a negative message to women, but guys reap a positive effect, right? “She’s a bad girl. Maybe she’ll touch my D.” That’s pretty much the message coming out of that. “Maybe she’ll wear spiked leather gloves, yeah, on a motorcycle!” She’s probably a lesbian if she’s on a motorcycle. “Bad gal.” There’s no men’s products, there are no men’s products that have a negative message to men, but women reap a positive effect. There’s no guy putting on cologne, and he’s hearing, “You’re gonna text her back within a reasonable time frame.” There’s no guy putting on aftershave, and he’s hearing, “You’re 37 and share a room with two other dudes in the hipster part of town. Outside the context of Los Angeles, that’s totally socially unacceptable. What’s that? You run a T-shirt making business? You only have online shit? No real T-shirts. You ride a bike to work and claim it’s ecologically responsible, but we all know your credit is so fucked, you can’t get financing for a Kia!” There’s a lot to contend with as a girl. We have different rules. Girls are like, “We can fuck whoever we want.” That’s not the way it should be. We’re the fairer sex for a reason, lady. If you want guys to pay for dinner and open doors, act like a lady. You can’t act like a guy. We’re just not built for it. Sorry if that’s crushing some of you. It’s just the truth. “Fuck!” My girlfriends called me the other night. “Do you want to go out with us… after your skit?” Continuing to not fully comprehend what I do for a living. That’s fine. We’re talking about it, and in the back was my drunk friend. Drunk friend never gets to hold the phone. Drunk friend’s always in the background, yelling shit at the sober one. Drunky’s always tethered to the sober one. Like, “Ahhh! I miss you! Aaahhhh!” When they yell, “I miss you,” and you don’t miss them, you’re like, “Miss you too, babe. Bleh.” “Come out with us!” She kept yelling at me. “Come out with us! I’m gonna fuck a stranger!” I’m sorry, do whatever you want. I feel if you’re a lady, that is never a sentence that should be uttered with anticipation, in future tense. It is only a sentence that should be said with the utmost abhorrence, in past tense. It should never be, “I’m going to fuck a stranger!” It should always be, “Oh, my God, I fucked a stranger! Oh, my God!” We always talk about the downside when girls sleep with someone. Let me take up for the guys’ side for a second. I do believe there are plenty of guys in here that have gone to bed for a one-night stand, thinking, “I’ve found someone special.” And then you wake up the next morning next to a fat water rat. These things have happened, okay? Plenty of guys in here, I’m sure, thought they went to bed with, like, an absolute angel, and tomorrow morning… Tonight you’re gonna go out in Denver on a Friday, meet a girl. “Oh, she’s so angelic, so beautiful.” And tomorrow, you are going to wake up next to Satan himself. You’re gonna look down at your pile of sheets, and they’ll just be, like, undulating, pulsating, and there’ll be heat lines coming off of it. “Uh, good morning. Excuse me, is it… Stacy?” “No one by the name of Stacy is here.” “I’m so embarrassed. I thought your name was Stacy.” “El nombre no es importante.” “Wow. Well, judging by that and the smell of sulfur, I’m gonna take a guess that you are… Satan?” “Yes!” Clip-clop. “Yes?” “Uh, look, you gotta go.” “Why? I thought we were gonna get breakfast, smoochie-pie.” “Uh, we can’t get breakfast, because, look, I cheated on my girlfriend, and I…” “You what? You cheated? You cheated on me?” “Are you crying lava?” “Fucking right, I’m crying lava! I’m the devil, what do you think I’m gonna cry? That’s so fucked up. I thought you were a good guy. Fuck you, fuck you!” “Just get outta here.” – “I know when you’re gonna die.” – “Are you fuckin’ serious?” “Nope, that’s the angel of death. I’m just kidding. People think we’re the same, but we’re not. We’re just similar height, we both have brown hair.” Um… “You gotta go.” “Don’t fuckin’ touch me! Get off my tail! I’m going. Give me some bus fare. In my hoof. What are you laughing at?” “I’m sorry, I think it’s ridiculous that you’re taking the bus.” “Yes, I’m taking the bus, okay? I am fiscally responsible. Do you know how hard it is to be the devil? I have no business. The Kardashians take, like, all of my business. I’m not even joking. It’s really hard to earn an honest dollar, okay? I had to have sex with Kris Jenner and everything. It was horrible. She’s evil. Of course I don’t have any money. Of course I take public transportation. I’m a demon of the people, okay? What do you expect me, to drive around in a hearse made of skulls, okay? I’m not Rob Zombie. I’m not an asshole, okay? Now, give me six dollars and 66 cents and I’ll be on my way.” “All right, fucking go.” – “I have a question.” – “What?” “Is it cold outside?” You guys are a wonderful crowd. Uh… there’s no elegant way to wipe off a sweat mustache. I was talking at the beginning about how a lot of my friends are getting married, and I’m happy for them. I think that I’m just in a different head space at the moment. They all get really excited to plan their weddings, and I get really excited to plan a breakup. Guys, hear me out on this. Girls do weird things. And from the day we start dating you, we keep tabs on everything you do wrong… so that if and when we decide to break up with you, ’cause, I don’t know, if the wind changes direction… we can then refer to said list, extrapolate one isolated incident, and use that as the piece de resistance of our breakup masterpiece. You ever been dating a girl, everything’s going great… things are mediocre, not great, but whatever… and she breaks up with you out of the blue? “Yes, your feet look like eagle claws! There, I said it. Cacaw. Cacaw. Goodbye.” It seems like it’s out of nowhere. We let things build. You could be sitting at your anniversary dinner. – “I’m thinking about getting salmon.” – “I’m fuckin’ done!” Like it doesn’t really matter. I’m not cavalier about this. I put time and effort into these breakups. You put time and effort into dating me, I’m going to return said time and effort, plus interest… it’s a very good ROI… on that breakup, okay? These are handcrafted breakups. Hand-hewn, “hecho en California,” tailor-made, forged from the fires of your own insecurities, specialty breakups, okay? I don’t do a generic breakup. I don’t do a breakup template. I don’t do the whole, “Oh, my God, it’s me, not you.” No, it’s you, motherfucker, here’s a list of reasons why. I was dating a guy, we dated for three months, and we were on our first date, right? We’re doing first date stuff, right? We’re at a bar, drinking, talking, taking muscle relaxers. I was asking him first date questions: What do you do, where are you from, what do you max out at? I was like, “Oh, what’s your middle name?” “What’s your middle name?” He goes, “My middle name is Paul.” Now… reciprocity in, like, a normal conversation would dictate that perhaps his next question to me should have been… “What’s… what’s your nah nah nah.” That’s right! What’s your middle name? But he never asked me my middle name, – and I fuckin’… – remembered that. ‘Cause here’s the deal: He wasn’t necessarily wrong in not asking me that. Men and women communicate so differently. I’m surprised we can be in the same room without ripping each other’s genitals off. If you said to him, “Why didn’t you ask her her middle name?” He’d be like, “At the time, she had long hair. I thought she was a mermaid.” Like, not even in the same stratosphere. What’s crazy is every guy in this room is like, “Mermaid hair. I get it.” And where I went wrong, where girls tend to go wrong, is I didn’t tell him why I was mad. We don’t tell you why we’re mad, because “you should know,” which is insane. We barely know why we’re mad. “I don’t know, but something happened, and now I’m mad. I don’t know why I’m mad, but you should. The secrets are locked in my brain.” “Did you eat a key?” “I did. That and the plate and the leaves from earlier. I feel fat.” We just sit there, stoic, with this, like, Stepford wife facade, and we let it rot our brains, and we sit there smiling, but it devolves. “He didn’t ask my middle name. He doesn’t want to get to know me, my hopes, thoughts, dreams, feelings, friends, family, we’ll never have a baby.” Like, that’s the way that devolves. So I began planning the breakup… on the first date. We dated three months, and at the conclusion, I decided I wanted to do a rain breakup. Felt the rain would be emblematic of the tears shed during the courtship. Rain breakup. Wanna break up in the rain. Oh, my God. Unh. Rain, right? All different kinds of rain breakups. You can do one in an alley, crying. You could be a young, British country girl in the 1800s, running through a field. “No! I can’t! I can’t be!” In a white dress, no shoes. Women weren’t allowed to wear shoes until 1962. Fun fact. “No! I can’t be with you! I’ve been betrothed to another, Jeremiah!” “Why? I love you so.” “No!” Running in the rain, and it’s cascading. I’ve got long hair. They didn’t have scissors back then. I’d wrap it around like a belt. It’s weird. I’d be running, and it would cascade over it, white, so it’s just see-through. You wouldn’t see areola, but you’d see nipple bumpage. Like Rachel, Friends, circa 1997. Network nipple, right? Running, fuckin’ doing it. No bra. Running hard. ‘Cause in your fantasy, your tits are like rocks. Just running. “Aahhh!” Every girl has fantasized about kissing a boy in the rain, which, if you’ve ever actually done it, is horrible. You will get the flu. I live in Los Angeles. That’s not clean rain. That’s fucking rats, cabbage, headshots, lettuce. Kale. Three types of leafy greens. We’re healthy. Syringes. Dreams. Couldn’t do a rain breakup. It rained one day while we were dating, but I was wearing a wool sweater. You know. You can’t get wool wet. You’re going to smell like a dirty sheep. No one’s going to miss you. “You’re breaking up with me?” “I’m breaking up with you.” So I had to plan an alternate breakup. Now, before I share with you my alternate fantasy breakup, I’m going to tell you the way we actually broke up. The way we actually broke up was yours truly got a little drunk and a little honest one night and texted him something to the effect of, “You don’t even watch Breaking Bad. How are we supposed to be together?” Fried shrimp. So now, I’m going to share with you my ultimate fantasy breakup. ‘Kay. Thank you. In my fantasy, we will be sitting on my couch, at my house, and I will be a little bit more tan than I am now, so people will be like, “Where did you go on vacation?” I’ll be like, “It’s a secret. Huh.” My hair would be a little bit longer, but not too long… I’d have, like, layers. You know what I’m talking about? A long bob? Where you want to keep the length but not the weight, so you’d have, like, layers. And maybe highlights in the front, but maybe a partial. Like, some warmer tones, like a honey for the fall. Do you know what I’m talking about? Mm-kay. Sitting on my couch, at my house, and I would start a fight out of nowhere. When you’re a woman, you possess a magical, innate ability to create conflict where there formerly was none. All right, we’re talking out of thin fucking air. We could do this as a show in Las Vegas. Argument illusionists. Just creating them. Nothing up my sleeve! Nothing in my hand! Now there’s a fight, motherfucker. Maybe we’ll have a dove. I don’t know the budget. I don’t know what we’ll have. The point is, if the girl wants to have a fight, the lady shall have a fight. And there’s nothing you can do about it. You can cough. That’s enough kindle for that fire. Sitting there watching TV. “What did you say?” “I didn’t say anything.” – “What the fuck did you just say?” – “I didn’t say anything.” “You know what? Forget it!” And I would start crying. Start crying. I’m telling you now that I’m going to cry then. I’m planning to cry. I’m gonna put it in my phone. Set reminder: “Cry later.” Going to make myself cry. How do you make yourself cry? That’s what you’re thinking. Iliza, how do you make yourself cry? Lot of actresses get paid a lot of money to make themselves cry. How do you make yourself cry? I’m going to tell you. You take a small pocketknife… I’m just kidding. Um… Turn around, and unbeknownst to him, I would pluck… a solitary nose hair. You ever do that? That shit hurts… real bad. It’s physically undetectable… …and it’s going to escalate the energy of your argument very quickly. Your argument will magically be transformed from, “You know what? Just forget it!” Big tears, okay? I’ll tell you why it’s important to have big tears, okay? If you’re going to make the attempt to elicit an emotional response from an otherwise emotionally unavailable individual, you must be demonstrative with your ocular lubrication, okay? Unlike women, men are very black and white. They respond to big gestures, okay? Big tears means I am sad. This is not fun. I do not like this. I’m sad now. That’s what big tears say. You can’t risk it with little, snivelly allergy tears. That’s a mixed message. – “What do you want?” – “I don’t know what I want!” He might go kill you a squirrel and bring it back. He doesn’t know what you want! So I’d start crying. “You know what? Forget it!” And I would run out of my own house. I’d run outside. Now… prior to starting this fight, I would have gone into the street and set up orange parking cones in the street, okay? Because for my ultimate fantasy breakup, I want to have a street fight breakup. Anyone that’s ever fought in the street knows, you need a designated fighting area, okay? That’s a public thoroughfare. You can’t just run into it and start fighting. This isn’t West Side Story. You’re gonna get hit by a Buick. So I’d run outside, into the comfort of the Designated Fighting Area, the DFA. Run into it, and I’d immediately start yelling, “I hate you!” Why am I yelling? ‘Cause I’m angry? I’m not angry. Want the neighbors to come out. Want the neighbors to come out. I want them to see how you treat me! He treats me fine. We got frozen yogurt that morning. It’s fine. I want them to come out. I want their energy. I want their attention. I need an audience. Like, obviously. So… I’d have it set up, and he’d run out. “Iliza, what is your problem? Get back inside.” “You don’t tell me what to do. I’m an independent woman. I listen to Beyonce. Surfbort. Surfbort.” – “What does that mean?” – “No one knows.” “What are you so upset about?” I’d be like, “I just feel like, um… this is so hard because I feel like I’m, like, letting you down. I just feel like… we don’t even talk anymore, and… we don’t even know what we argue about… – “You quoting Boyz II Men?” – “Maybe.” “I don’t know why you’re so upset.” And then I would begin. “I just feel like, um… I’m sorry, I just feel like… Why is this dry? I just feel like… You’re a great guy, and you should be with a great girl. I want you to be with a great girl, sort of. And I want you to be… I feel we have a really good time together, and you’re wonderful, but I feel I’m not the girl for you. Okay, I said it. And we have fun, but I don’t feel like we’re gonna be together. We’re just wasting time, and we don’t belong together. I feel like we don’t really even know each other.” “Of course we know each other! Of course I know you!” “Really? What’s my middle name?” Snow! My bra. – We did it. – Good job. Snow. Should I do a curtain call? Is that weird? They’re kind of going crazy out there. – You wanna do a curtain call? – Is it too late? Blanche, you did it! She did it. Oh my God. I think, um… that the theater might file a police report and I might have to get a lawyer… because I killed! Ohh! | We’re in Denver. I have what I’m hoping is altitude sickness and not some, like, weird form of meningitis. They keep telling me it’s not meningitis, but they don’t know. We’ve got an amazing crowd. All the tickets are gone, which is great. All fans. People who are coming to my show should expect a healthy dose of very honest, hilarious, aggressive comedy. The special’s called Freezing Hot, so the set is freezing hot. There’s a big old explosion in the background, palm trees and snow, and then there’s a surprise at the end: my girl Blanche. When I first started traveling, I decided to get her so I’d have someone to be with me on the road, and fans like her. Come here! Okay, thank you. We have to go make an hour special. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Iliza Shlesinger! Thank you! Denver! I picked… I picked this city. I picked this city as my favorite city to do comedy in, for this special. Thank you. Thought it was gonna be a lot colder. Really did. I always feel like weather is something you can use to ingratiate yourself toward other girls. Guys have sports, when they meet: “What’s up, bro? You see 30 for 30?” “Fuckin’ right, I did. Yeah.” With girls, it’s not fashion or anything else, it’s the weather. It’s like, “Oh, my God, it was so hot. Like, earlier.” And then the other girl’s like, “It was so hot! I noticed that, I feel. I love it when it’s hot, but not too hot. Do you know what I’m talking about?” “I know what you’re saying. Like, I totally get it. But not too hot. But I also like it when it’s cold.” “Me too, but not too cold, no. If it’s too cold, it’s like, brrr.” I like to talk about the weather. But the weird thing for being a girl is even if you live in cold weather, girls always have an issue with deciding what outer layer we should wear. We always defer to the guy. Like, “Babe! Should I do a jacket? Jacket? A short one? A long one? You’re not looking? Okay. If I should do a jacket. For the… Are we going to the thing? Do a jacket? Should I do it? Should I do a jacket? Will you just pause Halo for two seconds? Thanks. Jacket… should I do it? Should I do a jacket? Not a jacket. Should I just do, like, four scarves and no pants? Seems counterintuitive. Do a jacket? Jacket? Jacket? Jacket?” Finally her boyfriend’s like, “Yeah, bring a fuckin’ jacket!” And you’re like, “I don’t want to bring a jacket!” – “Why not?” – “‘Cause then I have to carry it!” Girls hate the idea of carrying a jacket. “It’s too heavy!” The female body is capable of carrying a human being… for nine months, but apparently a lightweight jacket stuffed with feathers is where we draw the line. “Should I bring a jacket?” In your 20s, you never bring a jacket. Some of you are in your 20s, so remember, like, yesterday? Do it. In your 20s, you never brought a jacket. You’re invincible and a little stupid. “I don’t need one.” That’s why it’s so funny for those over 30 to watch 20-year-olds at, like, 2:00 a.m., like, braving the cold. Shivering. Doing this shit with their dresses. Like, pulling it down. All those shoes cracking under the pressure. “My dress won’t…” “You’re not wearing a dress! It’s a tube sock!” You always rationalize it. “It’s not that far from the car to the bar.” In your 20s, you risk that icy walk for the glory of not having to wear a jacket. You have no problem with that two-minute walk. Not every girl makes it. I’ve lost many a hot Amber to that walk. You’re like, “Where’s Amber?” Amber’s frozen. Like, “Go! Order a lemon drop and toast to my memory!” It’s the worst when you’re cold, you can’t find your car. If you’re with a group of girls, resign yourself to the fact you’re probably not going to find your car. Even if you’re brilliant, there’s something in the genetic makeup of women that disables us from remembering where the car is parked. It’s rare that a woman parks the car and is like, “Boop! Okay, I’m in spot 4-F. Let me remember that. Let me be responsible for my choices in this life. Something disengages and takes over, and we’re just like, “Boop! What’s this?” And then we just, like, wake up in a Sephora. Always bring at least one guy. There’s something in the male makeup. Men always find the car. They throw down breadcrumbs, Hansel and Gretel-style. Maybe they’ve got a tracking device in their junk. I don’t know. Like, ping, ping, ping! He may not even find your car. He will find you a car, and you’ll get in it. Guys, I’ll tell you a secret: We don’t want to look for the car. It’s boring. If I do a scan and I don’t see it, I’m like, “Someone stole it!” That’s always the go-to. “Stole it!” Sometimes we’ll act like we’re stressed, even if we’re not. That’s our go-to. Women have been told they’re feebleminded. Once in a while, we’ll play into it to our advantage. “I don’t know where the car is, okay? I’m sorry! You’re perfect! And I don’t know where the car is. I don’t even… I don’t know where the car is, okay? I’m trying, okay? I’m stressed out because I’m working, like, ten hours a week. And I’m like… There’s the car. Thank you, Officer, we found it. Like your jacket.” Girls always defer to the guy when it comes to weather questions. Every girl’s done this, where you wake up in the morning, next to your husband, your boyfriend, or whatever Dairy Queen manager Tinder has set you up with. 8:00 a.m., first thing out of your mouth, you’re like, “Babe… is it cold outside?” And your boyfriend wants to be there for you. He’s like, “I don’t know ’cause I’m inside.” “It’s chilly. Chilly.” Girls hate being cold. We hate it. Girls don’t like to be chilly. Guys, don’t let your date get cold. We’re not happy when we’re cold. “Come here, babe. I gonna warm you up.” “Don’t fucking touch me. It’s not what I want.” Girls don’t want to have sex when they’re cold. In my life, I’ve never been like, “Oh, my God, I’m so cold, I just wish I had somebody to fuck!” It doesn’t really happen. We don’t get horny when we get cold. It sends a message to our brain: Time to go home. Time to hibernate. Time to watch a show on TLC about a 600-pound woman eating herself to death. That’s what we want to do. “Cold!” Don’t let your date get cold. We’re not happy when we’re cold. The body language for “I’m cold” and “I’m fucking pissed at you” is the same body language. Girls don’t like being cold… but we love cold weather. That’s girl logic for you. Everything’s a contradiction wrapped in a bow. “It gets pretty. Glitter.” It’s the same thought process that’s like, “I’m gonna wear tight pants, but don’t you look at my butt!” “I am so cold, I’m sweating. It is freezing hot in here. I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel.” All girls love fall. I don’t know if you know that. All girls are required to love fall. Yeah. Required. That’s right. When we applied to be girls… went to the girl counter. They hold your girl card up. “What’s your favorite season?” And you go, “It’s fall, motherfucker.” And they’re like, “All right. Here’s your girl card, your uggs, your glitter. Go have fun, be insecure.” That’s what being a girl is. Girls love fall so much, I’ve been planning this fall since July… of, like… of, like, two years ago. We fucking get into fall. You don’t even have to tell girls when it’s fall. We know. Oh, we sense it. We get into it. The second it turns fall, the second a leaf falls somewhere in, like, Connecticut, we feel it. Sit at home, watching TV. Outside the temperature drops from, like, 86 to 63. We pop out of the ground like gophers. We sense that fall is here. Watching TV, fall comes, we’re just like… – “Did you feel that?” – “It was a breeze.” “- Fuck yeah! Cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves… – pumpkin everything! Pumpkin! Eat the pumpkins! Let’s plan fall shit!” You drag your boyfriend by the teeth. “Let’s go! We’re doing fall shit! We’re going apple-picking!” “Babe, there’s no apple orchards in Los Angeles.” “Fine. I’m going to the grocery store and throw apples at children. Something!” We go on Pinterest, start pinning fall ideas. Leaves, that’s a fun thing we like to fuck with. Every year the leaves change color, and we lose our shit. Every… “Did you see the leaves? Oh, my God! Last week they were green, and now they’re brown!” They’re not brown. They’re fuckin’ dead, you sicko! They’re fuckin’ dead, and you’re doing crafts with their corpses. Have you no respect for nature? That was a living thing, you monster! “What are you gonna do with your dead leaves?” “I’m gonna make a pile on the front lawn so the kids can play in the death. What are you gonna do with your dead leaves?” “I’m gonna make a wreath on the front door as a warning to other dead leaves not to fuck with me!” – “Did you just eat a leaf?” – “I did.” Pin pin pin. We love Pinterest. All girls love Pinterest. Anyone? Yes! Pinterest. Porn for white women. We love it. We love planning things on Pinterest. Lot of girls plan weddings on Pinterest. One of my girlfriends got married on Valentine’s Day. And, joking, I was like, “Oh, my God, that’s so fun. What was your theme?” Dead serious, she was like, “We did, like, love, but, like, under the stars… under the sea. So…” I was like, “Okay, it’s a wedding, not a prom.” I tell you what, Denver, if and when I get married, I’m gonna get married the day after Valentine’s Day, and my theme is going to be “75 percent off chocolate.” Right? Yeah! ‘Cause it’s my day! Guys, any of you that are engaged, your fiancee has already planned your entire wedding on Pinterest. She’s planned your wedding, future vacations, your fucking funeral. It’s on Pinterest. And we don’t do it when you’re looking, no, ’cause if you saw how creepy we got with Pinterest, you wouldn’t have us. We do it under the cloak of night. We wait. We get a pumpkin spice latte and we go in. We log on to Pinterest. Gentlemen, Pinterest for girls is like Call of Duty for guys. I got a fuckin’ headset on, talkin’ shit to 14-year-olds in Michigan. First person pinning pictures of Channing Tatum. Like, “He’s mine! Ha ha!” Pin pin pin pin pin. You get into these creative downward spirals, pinning and pinning. Am I looking at porn? Pin pin pin pin pin. I’m not even sure at this point. Natural water birth? Why am I pinning that? Pin pin pin pin pin. Looking outside six hours, seven hours, 24 hours later. – Open the mini blinds. – It’s sunny outside! Keep pinning for the glory! Babe! I want to show you what I’m pinning for my wedding… our wedding. Oops. Ha ha! Come in here. I want to show you. I have all these fun ideas. We should do a chocolate waterfall. Instead of chocolate, we should do bridesmaid’s tears. I think it’s fair. It’s only fair. I want to show this to you. Come in here, Brian, Ryan… Who gives a shit what your name is? I’m getting married. I want to show this to you. Do you like the pink napkins or the red napkins? I think there’s a difference. I’m so stressed out, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know. Do you think I’m pretty? I don’t know. I don’t know what the theme should be. You know what the theme should be? That your mom’s a bitch, that’s what the theme should be. This is so hard, but I want to do it anyway, because I love you so much, and it’s gonna be amazing! I can do it, man. I’m gonna be on all these ideas. We should do a swan. We should do a dove. We should do a swan made of doves. Babe, will you Google Human Centipede, but for doves, and see if we can sew them together ATM-style? Yes, I know what “ATM” is, I’ve seen your porn. I love you anyway. # Dum dum da-dum, I’m getting married before my sister # I want to show this to you. What? Yes, I’m wearing a diaper! I’m not getting up. I want to show this. It’s going to be amazing. Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Is it cold outside? Pin pin pin pin. Girls get cold easily because we’re not allowed to eat as much as we want in one sitting. Trying to get another girl to admit she’s hungry, it’s like a standoff. You can’t admit you’re hungry. That’s admitting weakness, defeat. “Are you hungry? Me neither. So…” – “Are you hungry?” – “No, I ate last week, so…” “I could do this all day. I’m chewing my on tongue. It feels good enough.” Eventually one, usually the smaller one, will concede. “I’ll… if you’re… I’ll go with you. If you’re hungry, I’ll go with you. I’ll go with you. I’ll go with you.” Subtext: I’ll watch you get fat. “I’ll go with you. I’ll have, like, a bite. Whatever you get, I’ll have a bite. I’m easy. I eat everything, except for nothing, so… I eat nothing except for everything. I don’t understand what I’m saying either. I’m so fucking hungry. Please, let’s go have a bite. A bite of a bite. Do you want to get tapas?” One girl always throws tapas out there. “Do you want to do tapas? What are they? They’re small plates. You do, like, five to ten per person. It runs you about 100 bucks each. Totally worth it. Yeah.” Girls love anything small, not filling, and expensive. We would eat diamonds if we could. “They’re tapas. They’re small plates. It’s Spanish. What Spanish? It’s, like, their Spanish, not the country below the United States. It’s a different Spanish. It’s got a fucked-up ‘th.’ I went to Spain for two days when I was 16, so I’m cultured, okay? They’re small plates. Platito. They’re so small, it’s like a Frisbee for a rat. Like, small plates. It’s like a monocle for an amoeba. Just, like, really small. One time I ate the plate, on accident. That was pretty horrific. Small plates.” It’s an absolute joke. I don’t like anything about it. Comes on a wooden block, like you’re eating lunch at Home Depot. Some guy, with his bare hands, balls up some ham in the corner and then throws some shards of manchego cheese and some haphazard drizzle of honey so you can eat like an Andalusian farmer taking a lunch break in a field in 1830 for, like, a hundred bucks. Cool. “Small plates.” One friend gets annoyed you don’t want her suggestion. “You don’t want tapas? Fine. Just trying to accommodate the group.” Guys don’t ever get tapas. It’s a girl food. “You wanna get tapas?” It’s never dudes. “Now, look, bro! Wanna get tapas? We’ll go after fantasy draft. You wanna do tapas? We’ll get one meatball, split it with four dudes, no homo.” “You don’t like my suggestion? What do you want? Do you want to do a flatbread? You want to do a flaahbread? What is it? It’s like a thin crust pizza, but, like, annoying.” It’s always the one girl in the group that suggests the flatbread. “Do you guys want to do it for everyone, a flatbread?” She’s the one suggesting it. She’s the one that got everyone together. She’s the one that printed the Groupon. Her name is usually something like Amanda. “You want flatbread? Do you? You do? Not eating? Don’t do gluten? Not doing dairy? You don’t do fun? Sleeping? That’s weird. We’re in public. Do you want flatbread? Ask her. Does she want flatbread? I can’t. My phone’s dead. I can’t text her. Ask her if she wants flat… Do you want flatbread? I’m asking if you want a… Aflac! Do you want flaahbread? Ask Cynnamon with a Y if she wants flatbread. Then tell Kinnamon with a K her name is not phonetically sound. Okay. I’m gonna do the ordering. Hi! We’re in a rush because we’re entitled. Um… Wanna do one flatbread for the 40 of us, yeah? She’s not eating, she’s gonna have a bite, doesn’t do dairy, doesn’t do gluten, she doesn’t know what gluten is, but feels like she doesn’t do it this week. And we’re gonna do… What do you guys want to drink? No, don’t order your own. We’re just gonna do a trough of white wine. Yeah? How do you want to drink it? You’re being annoying. Stop. No, we don’t need glasses. We’re just gonna drink it with our hands! What do you guys want to get on it? Let’s just go crazy. Let’s do half goat cheese, half air. Thank you! Flaahbread!” Went on a date recently. Uh… I made a real effort in my 30s. I’m 31. Made a real effort to try to date normal guys. When you’re in your 20s, you can date whoever you want. You’ll live forever, you’re hot, you’re in your 20s. “Wanna go out? We’re both carbon-based. Let’s do it.” And it’s, like, fine. Tried to make responsible choices in my 30s. Recently I went out with someone based on the way he was dressed. – He was an accountant. – But, okay. I’ll carry the conversation. That’s fine. He had a plaid shirt, tucked into khakis. Okay. All right. Little nerdling. That’s okay. Cell phone in a holster on his hip. Dad-style. To the dads in the audience and subsequently watching this, what text is coming in so fast you have to have your hand ready O.K. Corral-style? And then what are you sending out so fast that it’s rendering your cellular device smoking, and you’ve got to holster it? The point is, he was dressed responsibly. Nonthreatening. Nice, like an adult. I knew I had to respond in kind. I couldn’t dress like a 19-year-old lesbian Hot Topic manager. I get it. Made a real effort, folks. I made a real effort. Asked my girlfriends that are in their mid-30s… dating awhile, very mature, right? “What should I wear?” “You need to get… like, a silk blouse. So, just wear it and, like, cover that shit up and just tuck it in, blouse it out, silk blouse.” I’m here to say right now, I reject a silk blouse. Fuck a silk blouse, okay? Yes! Just because you’re not 20 doesn’t mean you have to be ashamed of your body. I don’t need to wear a tent over it, okay? They’re burkas for American women. I said it and I meant it. All right? They’re oppressive, ugly, hot, shapeless, and if you wear an underwire bra under your silk blouse and you sweat through it, it’s gonna look like a face with its eyes closed. Fuck a silk blouse. But I bought one anyway. I’ll be like, whatever. Went to a nice store. Made a real effort. I went to a Nordstrom…’s. I asked the sales girl… she was 19, and just hot. – “I need a silk blouse.” – “What about this one?” It was white. It had black splotches all over it. She was like, “It’s abstract.” I was like, “Yeah, like a Rorschach test, but less interesting.” She’s like, “I don’t get it.” I’m like, “That’s ’cause you work here. Okay.” “No, it’s like a fun pattern.” I’m like, “That’s a cow print. Like, one hundred percent. It’s black splotches. I’m gonna look like a model for Gateway printers. I’m not wearing that.” Here’s the fact: it’s a cow print. You can’t wear it if you’re normal. If you’re a model, you can wear something stupid and look hot. You can wear a blousy cow print and be like, “Fuck yeah. Moo, motherfuckers. Unh! Unh! Moo, yeah, unh! Unh, right?” Not dicks, udders. Normal girl wearing a cow pattern, if you tuck in a blousy cow, you’re gonna look like a cow that had gastric bypass surgery. Just blousy. Tucked-in blousy cow, so I got it. Tucked-in blousy cow. Then I bought pants that were very tight. You want to wear tight pants. The tighter the pant, the more effort it shows you’ve put into it, okay? Not unlike Chinese foot-binding, you want your pants so tight that they form your muscles and bones into this kind of, like, palsy effect. Okay? And you want to have shoes that are so high, the heel is so high, that you are literally cantilevered off the edge and it forms a dainty hump in the back. Men like this, trust me. Men love a good hump, okay? Like this. So you’re ready. So you’ve got blousy cow, palsy pants. You want your shoes so high that you can’t run from your rapist if you want. Blousy cow, palsy pants, and I was ready for the date. I brought a special bag. There’s a special bag women are required to carry on a first date. It’s called a clutch. Small mouse purse. A clutch, for those that don’t know, is neither a synonym for the word “cool,” nor does it have to do with a car. A clutch is a tiny purse that women carry on a first date. The reason we carry it is because we can’t carry a big bag, ’cause men don’t like big bags. First, it’s not attractive. You can’t show up to a guy’s house going, “Hey! Huh huh. Ready for our first date, Steve? Well, I just brought my… …bag right here. We don’t gotta go to no fancy dinner or nothing. Nope, I brought me a hot plate. We can just plug it in right here. We can do it on the lawn, unless you’re ashamed of me. You got an external power source? Maybe a generator? I call mine Jenny. It’s a little joke. We could… Do you like beans, Steve? I brought beans. I don’t need a can opener. I’ve got this shit.” We carry the little bag because men don’t like big bags. Men don’t like big bags because big bags scare men. You show up with a big bag, guys’ first thought is, “Fuck, she’s trying to move in.” That’s the first thought. Men don’t like surprises. They’re already weirded out by women in general. They don’t know what’s in that bag. You could have guns, medication. “What’s in the bag? What’s in the bag? What’s in the bag! Tampons, alimony papers, Gwyneth Paltrow’s head? What’s in the bag?” Could have medication in there, restraining order. Taking around that garbage with you, that’s why it’s called baggage. So we carry a little, tiny clutch, carry a tiny bag to fool you. We want you to think all this perfection… I said perfection!… comes from the contents of this tiny rat purse. “Just a couple of things.” Every girls’ told that lie. “It takes me, like, ten minutes to get ready, so…” As you’re telling the lie, you can feel it. “- I promise, I’m telling the truth. – It’s fine. Ten minutes.” And no woman in this room has ever closed a clutch on the first try. Because… it’s true. “It was hard getting here. It wouldn’t close on the first try.” Because when women pack for a first date, we don’t pack for the date we’re going to have, we pack for the date we want to have. Imaginations take over. “I should bring one lip gloss for every degree the sun sets, ’cause we’re gonna watch the sunset from the yacht. Do it. Also, bring my AAA card, in case his Porsche breaks down. He has a Porsche. What if he’s, like, a secret millionaire, and he, like, wants to make sure that, like, I love him for him and not his money, ’cause he’s had problems with other girls in the past wanting him for his money, and he didn’t know if their love was pure? I’ll pretend, like, ‘You don’t have to test me, ‘ but he does, because I really like money, but I’m gonna pretend it’s not a big deal. And maybe he’s the prince of a recently liberated country that I don’t care about, and I should pretend I care about him, so I should plan for this date to be amazing, so I should bring a passport in case we go to dinner in Paris.” You get it all in the bag, start to zip it. You’ve got it in your teeth, the zipper. Fuckin’ close! Please! You get it, like, halfway zipped. You can’t go on a date with a bag zipped halfway. That’s ratchet. So what do you do? You take everything out, all your accessories, you lay ’em all out. You gotta make some cuts. So sorry, ladies. You’re all very valuable to the team. Not everyone can make varsity. And rather than get rid of anything, right, what do you do at least once? You make an attempt to put everything back in the bag, but slowly… thinking if you’re somehow purposeful in your actions, you will sneak up on the bag… and it won’t know that it’s full. And you get it down to one thing, and then you snap. You’re like, Fuck it! Everything goes in! LUNA bars, Activia, uggs, Dad issues. Let’s go. So we went to a bar, and we’re sitting there, and we sit down, and he ordered one drink… the whole night. Here’s my problem with that. Um… It was a Friday night, and I’m a lady. I want to party, but I’m a lady. So, if you only have one drink, that means I’m only going to have one drink. If I only have one drink, how the hell am I supposed to want to touch you later? Okay? Yes. Thank you for being honest. Do the math on that one, accountant. Yeah. Anyone not laughing, you’re lying to yourself. That’s what alcohol is for. Loosen yourself up a bit. Make choices you wouldn’t normally make. “Whatever. I had some wine. It’s okay.” Otherwise, why waste the calories? Let’s all just have a glass of warm milk and punch ourselves in the face. He didn’t even get alcohol. He had a beer. He had, like, an IPA. And he had, like, taken a sip of his. I was done with my vodka soda. I thought we were having a race. Sipping on his beer, I’m down to the ice in my drink, tonguing it like a dog on a hot day. Just like… I’m running into the bathroom, taking shots of Scope from the attendant, trying to get, like, a prison buzz, introduce alcohol. I’m holding my breath, trying to get some kind of high. My problem wasn’t necessarily that he only had one drink. My problem with it, really, was that I had a problem with it. I should have been mature about it. And had I been dating more in my 30s, I think I would have been okay with that situation. My friends in their mid-30s, they’d be okay with that drink. I wish that I was. I wish I could have normal girl thoughts. I wish I’d sit and have the drink and have normal girl thoughts. “This one drink is really nice. I’m so grateful. This is great. He seems like a really sweet guy. He’s got really nice eyes. I wonder what they’d look like in a jar.” Like, normal thoughts. But I’m still of the mindset that when I get a drink in me, – it sends a message to my brain… – that it’s go time! That’s what it says, all right? I’m 31, I’m not 90. It was Friday, not a Tuesday during high tea. Let’s make some fucking mistakes. That’s what it’s about. I got… I feel a lot of people are wired this way. A sip of liquor sends a message to my party goblin that it’s time to do it. Some people have party goblins that have lost their ability to walk, from partying too much. My party goblin sleeps on a bunk bed, on the top bunk. My dignity sleeps on the bottom bunk. He is not invited. The second I taste liquor, it wakes her up. She smells it in my brain. She’s dreaming of eating frozen pizza, ’cause she’s a monster. “Huh?” “Vodka. Top shelf.” She goes to the megaphone that controls my actions. We’ve all had party goblin control our actions. “You need to rage! Find the door guy! Ask him if he has drugs! Do not specify. See what he comes up with! Do it! Fuckin’ go! Jump on top of that table. Start dancing. There is no music. I will provide the music. # La la la la la la-la-la la! # You look so pretty. Jump off that table. Run outside. Push that cop, see if he finds it adorable. Ask if you can touch his gun. The answer’s always no. Go over to that CVS. Find the dairy aisle. Grab some whipped cream. Do some Whip-its. It might kill you. It’s fucking worth it. Go outside. Take a picture. Put it on Instagram. Take it down ten minutes later ’cause, oops, we could see your nipple!” Like, that’s how it usually is. So, we left the bar, right? Super buzzed off of our drink. And he drove me home, so now we’re in front of my house, okay? We’re sitting in front of my house. This is where a kiss takes place. This is where a first kiss takes place. Now, as a girl, you know when you’ve put out the vibe that you want a kiss, all night, okay? Men and women are wired differently. Men are putting out the vibe all the time. Right now, lot of vibes, all the time. “God, I hope she sees my wiener.” That’s what… The vibe is ever-present with guys. “You want this? Yeah? Anyone? Anyone. No? Little bit? What, you’re calling the cops? Okay. See you on Facebook. Okay.” For girls, we’re very specific about when we put out the vibe. Can’t just throw that shit around. Got to be specific. Every girl’s got things she does to throw out the vibe. Maybe touch her hair a little bit. “That’s funny.” Maybe you show off part of your body. Every girl’s got that one body part better than any other girl’s. Maybe it’s your forearm. Maybe all night, you’re like, “Fuck, yeah. Yeah? Ehh? You want it? You wanna fuck, eh? Yaaahhhh. That’s weird? Okay.” When a girl knows that a guy’s a little vulnerable and into her, we become like an evil witch in Enchanted Forest, and the guy becomes, like, the lost ingenue. Say your girlfriend broke up with you. Let’s say you were cheated on. You’re a little wounded. You’re sitting there. “I hope I find a girl.” And we, out of nowhere, are just like… “Hello. Apple? What’s that? Yes, I used to work in a pharmacy. Whole new life for myself.” We start saying things to you to lure you in. “Yes, this way. Sports? I love sports. This way. This way. Come this way. Oh, yes. What? A relationship? Not me. No, I just want to fuck in perpetuity until you grow tired of me. This way! Yes, what’s that? Your ex-girlfriend? She sounds like a bitch I would love to fight with my shirt off. This way. This way to my gingerbread house. Yes. Yes. Come and nibble on the walls of my gingerbread house. Yes! What’s that? Yes, it’s a metaphor for my vagina. You’re very clever. This way. This way. Said the right things, did the right things. I knew we were gonna have a mouth kiss. Now, for the guy… he has to decide how he wants to kiss the girl. That’s a tough role. You have to decide how you’re gonna kiss a girl. If you kiss her too soft, you look like a big puss. If you kiss her too hard, charges will be filed. So you have to be careful. In this interaction, the girl also has her part to play. There are only three places you can look in the passenger side of a vehicle, only one of which is truly acceptable, okay? You cannot look right at him. That’s too much eye contact. He might take it as a threat. He might bite your neck. We don’t know what he’ll do. Okay? We don’t know. Plus, it’s creepy. “Do I kiss this girl? I don’t know.” And you’re just like… But you can’t stare out your passenger side window. That’s not enough eye contact, and you’ll look touched in the head. He’s looking at you. “Do I kiss this girl?” And you’re just like… Side note, ladies: If his window does this, do not date him. Okay. So the girl only has one option, and that is to sort of look down and stare at her hands, and all of a sudden become fascinated with her cuticle situation. “Amazing. I used to have feathers. That is so weird.” And sort of monitor the impending kiss out of your periphery. And when he gets about halfway, you strike. Teeth first, so you know that he knows you mean business. I’ve kissed two guys. I think I know what I’m talking about. So I was all set. Blousy cow. Palsy pants. Fuckin’ forearm. Creepy witch. Like, I was all set. I knew we were gonna have a mouth kiss, and apparently he had a different plan. He had a cheek peck planned. And I did not see that coming. Now I’m going to show you what happens when a cheek peck meets the intention of a mouth kiss. This is me, and this is him. “I’m just sitting here. Oh, my God. Nails.” Let’s see the slow-motion replay. Huh? No? Fuck! Tuck and roll! So embarrassing! It was so embarrassing. It was sexual rejection, like, in the weirdest form. I don’t even remember how I got in my house. I just know that I ended up there. What I think happened is that my embarrassment materialized into a magician’s smoke bomb. And I was just like, “This never happened!” And I was gone! So now I’m inside my house. We’ve all had this happen. It was, like, 10:30. We’ve had this happen where you come home earlier on a weekend than you thought you would. You were all planning to go out, and you come home way earlier. Guys, they want to go back out, right? You wanna get back out there, right? Go team. Get back out there. You want to get drunk and meet chicks. For girls, it’s a different motivation. “Why don’t you want to go back out?” “‘Cause I don’t wanna waste an outfit.” You try to contact your friends. There’s something energywise that makes it very difficult when you’re sober to go back out and rejoin your drunk friends. You ever try getting a location from your drunk friends? It’s like texting with a house cat. They send you the weirdest stuff. Here’s what happens. They don’t really care if they see you because they went out together. You went rogue. You went off on a date, selfish, went to go find love. Your friends formed a little mini-mob, and they band together and they formed a phalanx. “Let’s find dudes,” and they went out together. They don’t care if they see you. They send you weird texts. Like, “We don’t know the name of the bar! We don’t know how long we’ll be here. We’re in outer space. Come find us!” After, like, 20 minutes of trying, you resign yourself to the fact you’re gonna be home. What’s the first step? You take off your going-out clothes. I had a silk blouse on. I didn’t know how to care for it. I didn’t know what to feed it. I didn’t know. It’s the fanciest material. It’s like the caviar of the material family. I stood by open French windows for ten minutes waiting for bluebirds to come and undress me. Took it off. Put on my at-home clothes. Girls know what at-home clothes are. The clothes you put on when no one else is around. Super gross. All the guys here are like, “I’ve been with my girl when we’re by ourselves. She’s super cute.” No, we don’t do that. We don’t wear roll-down boxers and socks up to here ’cause you’re kind of a pedophile, and pigtails. We don’t do that when we’re by ourselves! Girls, we dig deep into the trunk of, like, old T-shirts. You pull out your T-shirt from middle school. It’s got paint on it. You got your Abercrombie varsity athletic pants from, like, 1997, stripes on ’em. You put those on, right? Sweatshirt’s got holes. Pants have holes. Underwear has holes. Socks have holes. Why are there holes in your clothes? Because tears corrode. And you wander listlessly through your house. You look homeless, but you’re in a home, so that doesn’t make sense. You wander from room to room. You’re just kind of not ready to go to bed yet. You go to a room where the light’s off. You flip it on. One percent of you is expecting there to be, like, a serial killer. Knowing full well if he’s there, you’re done for, ’cause you’re in your at-home clothes. Nothing’s… can’t defend yourself. Flip it back off. You wander into the kitchen. You don’t really make a meal for yourself, do you? You just stick your hand deep in a bag of deli turkey. Right? Couple of crackers. Maybe, like, two Starbursts for dessert. Staring at nothing. Maybe you have a show in the background. Maybe Frasier’s on, hypothetically me every night. Sitting there eating. You start saying weird things to your dog. “One day, you’ll be my wife.” I’m sitting there doing this. Phone buzzes. It’s a text message. Who’s it from? The accountant. What does it say? Is he gonna ask me out again? Does he like me? “Hey, Iliza, had a great time tonight. Would love to have kissed you, but I have to be up early.” I don’t even know how to answer that like a human. You sent me a text that is un-text-backable. And first of all, who are you making out with, wolverines, that your legs are immobile the next day? You send me something that stupid, I’m not giving you the dignity of a normal text back. You’re not even getting back a regular emoji. No winky face. No sad face. I’m going deep into that emoji bank and I am pulling out… fried shrimp. Fried shrimp. What bothered me about the whole thing is it was sexual rejection, no matter how you slice it. I wasn’t saying, “Let’s get married. Let’s make plans to meet my mom.” It was a kiss. And so, even though you denied the kiss, it’s still denying me sexually, which is very uncomfortable for girls. Guys get sexually rejected, it’s part of being a guy. “You want it? Nope? Okay. Anyone else? Hey? One over here. Dick over here. Penis over there. One, two, two, two. Sold! To the seven in the corner with low standards.” It was a mouth kiss. You rejecting that is the equivalent of you being like, “Hey, Iliza! You see this? None for you!” Let’s talk about this for a second. I talked about this on my last special. Every girl’s seen a guy do this. So, I’ve done some thinking on the topic of this… I want to let you girls know, ’cause girls get offended. “That’s so gross. Why are you doing that at a family picnic? What are you doing?” I want to give you peace of mind and let you know, it has nothing to do with you. He would be doing this whether you were there or not! Take it as an insult, take it as a compliment. I don’t have an issue that guys do this. My issue is that there’s no reciprocation on the female end. Gentlemen, you’d be very upset… if you were laying in bed, ready to have sex, game’s on pause, ready to go. And your girlfriend came out of the bathroom in just a T-shirt and no bottoms. “Hey, babe.” And she just did some sort of, like, weird vaginal puppetry. Hashtag vaginal puppetry. You’d be very upset if she just came out and was like, “Babe! Hey. Hey.” If there are any guys here not laughing, that’s how we feel about that! It would disrupt the entire cycle of human procreation. Men would cease having sex with women. They’d be super grossed out. They’d move to the woods. They’d take raccoons as wives. It would be horrible. What’s weird about it is, as a girl, you are open to the threat of a guy doing this at any point. If you’re dating a guy, he could do it a week in, a year in, ten years in. It could be in the bedroom, at a concert, the produce aisle. This could happen at any minute. That fear is ever present in your mind, so I think if men and women are to ever be fair and equal, guys should have an inherent fear of raptor vag. Hashtag raptor vag. It’s only fair. So I have a plan. Tonight, we strike. Every guy in here on a date is like, “Jesus. Fuck. Why did we buy tickets for this? They were free? Still.” Here’s my plan, okay? Tonight… while my boyfriend is sleeping… Let me take it back. I’m gonna get a boyfriend. Wait till he’s sleeping, okay? Sneak up in there… And when you do this, ’cause you’re going to do it, pinky swear? When you do it, you want to make sure that he’s in REM sleep. It’s the deepest, most luxurious sleep, okay? You need to check to see that he’s in REM sleep. How do you make sure someone’s in REM sleep? You open their eye… while they’re sleeping. You ever do this to someone while they’re sleeping? Fuck you guys! I’m not the only one that’s done this! And you say things like, “I love you! Look back and forth if you love me too!” Make sure he was sleeping. So he’s sleeping. And I go into the other room, and I would pin for a little bit… pin pin pin… and then I would go in, and I would take out my raptor claw, okay? And I would sharpen my nails down, not to a point that was sharp enough that you could stab a meerkat and eat it if you wanted to, but you want a rounded point so the pressure will be localized, okay? Like an apex of sorts, okay? Rounded. Like, if a raptor went to get a manicure, she’d be like, “Make it lovely.” So I’d make it lovely, and I’d sheath it for my own protection, and I’d go in, and I’d descend upon the sleeping boyfriend, and I would apply the raptor claw to his cheek, and I would gently stroke. Not enough to awaken, but merely to stir. Okay? Why am I doing that? I’ll tell you, what I’m doing is introducing external stimuli into his land of slumber. Who talks like that? I’m introducing external stimuli into his subconscious, thus permeating his dreams, okay? Whatever he’s doing in his dream, he’s gonna feel this. Somewhere in the back of his brain, he’s gonna be, “Oh, shit, raptor vag.” Doing this lets him know. It’s not unlike when you’re having a dream. Let’s say you’re talking to a model, and your alarm clock goes off. “Another reason I don’t like to wear underwear…” It’s the equivalent of that, okay? I would do this, so in his dreamland, he would feel that and he would know. And then, he’s still sleeping, but he’s feeling this, and then, for the final stage, I would sneak up to him, and I would sound the raptor mating call. It would resonate all throughout the land of Nod, and he would know. He’s in his dream, delivering his naked high school commencement speech, he would hear the raptor mating call, and he’d be like, “Oh, fuck, Mama’s here.” He would know. I’d get in his ear and do the raptor mating call right before I striked, okay? I stroked? I striked. I stricked? Okay. Do it. I’d get in his ear, raptor mating call. And he would, “Huh?” And I’d go… “That’s right, motherfucker!” It’s like a jacket. Girls are weird. We do weird things, but we’re cute, so it’s okay. Girls do crazy things. It’s our own brand of crazy. Guys do crazy things too, like rape and war. They do their own kind of crazy things. Girls have a more insidious kind of crazy. We’ll start a fight just to see if we can make it look like you started the fight. We have do it three times a year or we lose our standing in the club. Every girl’s done that, just to see how strong your powers are. “I don’t want to fight with you. Stop it. I didn’t start this. You started this, you started acting weird. – I don’t want to fight with you.” – “Bullshit.” “I don’t want to fight with you.” We’ll turn around, talk to a fake jury. “I don’t… What is this? I don’t want to fight with you. This is on you. I’m peaceful, you’re being a dick. I don’t even… stop it. What are you doing? You’re yelling. I don’t want to fight with you.” But in your girl head, you’re like… I wanna… I wanna fight with you. I woke up feeling chubby this morning… and that is somehow your fault. Get in the Octagon. We do all kinds of head games. “Go hang out with your friends. That’s fine. Do it. Go hang out with your friends. I dare you. I know you made plans with me. That’s fine. Go hang out with your friends. That’s fine. I want you to be happy. Do it. Go hang out with your friends.” There are no friends. Only Zuul. Look, I’m sure being a guy has its difficulties. I haven’t been one in a while. I don’t really know what that’s like. Girls have a lot of stuff that are being thrown at them all the time, and we have to suss out what’s good for us and weed out the positive messages. I truly believe our society operates on a currency of women’s insecurities, multibillion-dollar industries thriving on, “Just make them feel their bodies are unacceptable, then sell them some shit.” Look at any magazine. “You’re amazing, but you need to lose, like, ten pounds. Love your body, love your hair. Whatever you’ve done is wrong. You look like a sea monster.” Everything’s got a weird mixed message and a “whorey” undertone. “Be a bad girl. Own your sexuality. But if you fuck more than one dude, you’re a whore.” Like everything’s wrong. You can’t just go around effing dudes, but you can have sex with more than one. Even my eyeliner has a sexual message. It’s called Bad Gal. Fourteen-year-olds can buy this. Are they bad gals? Yeah, tiny bad gals. It comes with a little devil that sits on your shoulder. It whispers salacious things in your ear. – Oh, I’d better get ready for the… – “You’re a bad gal.” Better close that window. Better get ready… “Yeah, you wanna fuck in a Dumpster.” What are you talking about? Doesn’t sound like a bad gal as much as someone that just needs a home. I’m not a bad gal. I’m just trying to put on eyeliner so I don’t look like newborn hamster face. – “Yeah, you’re a bad gal.” – I’m not a bad gal! “You are. You want to give a hand job in an Acura going 50 in a 30, no insurance. You’re a bad gal.” What are you talking about? I have insurance. What’s my blush called? Flirty Girl. “Yeah, tart it up, you hooker! Yeah! Look super horny, ready to go. You’re a flirty girl. Dressed like that, you’re asking for it!” Dressed like what, like a cool mom out on mom’s night out? Dressed like what? “Yeah, you wanna fuck in a Dumpster!” What’s with you and fucking with Dumpsters? – “I wanna fuck in a Dumpster.” – Well, you’re projecting! Again, my issue with it isn’t that there’s a sexual undertone. My issue is that it’s a negative message to women, but guys reap a positive effect, right? “She’s a bad girl. Maybe she’ll touch my D.” That’s pretty much the message coming out of that. “Maybe she’ll wear spiked leather gloves, yeah, on a motorcycle!” She’s probably a lesbian if she’s on a motorcycle. “Bad gal.” There’s no men’s products, there are no men’s products that have a negative message to men, but women reap a positive effect. There’s no guy putting on cologne, and he’s hearing, “You’re gonna text her back within a reasonable time frame.” There’s no guy putting on aftershave, and he’s hearing, “You’re 37 and share a room with two other dudes in the hipster part of town. Outside the context of Los Angeles, that’s totally socially unacceptable. What’s that? You run a T-shirt making business? You only have online shit? No real T-shirts. You ride a bike to work and claim it’s ecologically responsible, but we all know your credit is so fucked, you can’t get financing for a Kia!” There’s a lot to contend with as a girl. We have different rules. Girls are like, “We can fuck whoever we want.” That’s not the way it should be. We’re the fairer sex for a reason, lady. If you want guys to pay for dinner and open doors, act like a lady. You can’t act like a guy. We’re just not built for it. Sorry if that’s crushing some of you. It’s just the truth. “Fuck!” My girlfriends called me the other night. “Do you want to go out with us… after your skit?” Continuing to not fully comprehend what I do for a living. That’s fine. We’re talking about it, and in the back was my drunk friend. Drunk friend never gets to hold the phone. Drunk friend’s always in the background, yelling shit at the sober one. Drunky’s always tethered to the sober one. Like, “Ahhh! I miss you! Aaahhhh!” When they yell, “I miss you,” and you don’t miss them, you’re like, “Miss you too, babe. Bleh.” “Come out with us!” She kept yelling at me. “Come out with us! I’m gonna fuck a stranger!” I’m sorry, do whatever you want. I feel if you’re a lady, that is never a sentence that should be uttered with anticipation, in future tense. It is only a sentence that should be said with the utmost abhorrence, in past tense. It should never be, “I’m going to fuck a stranger!” It should always be, “Oh, my God, I fucked a stranger! Oh, my God!” We always talk about the downside when girls sleep with someone. Let me take up for the guys’ side for a second. I do believe there are plenty of guys in here that have gone to bed for a one-night stand, thinking, “I’ve found someone special.” And then you wake up the next morning next to a fat water rat. These things have happened, okay? Plenty of guys in here, I’m sure, thought they went to bed with, like, an absolute angel, and tomorrow morning… Tonight you’re gonna go out in Denver on a Friday, meet a girl. “Oh, she’s so angelic, so beautiful.” And tomorrow, you are going to wake up next to Satan himself. You’re gonna look down at your pile of sheets, and they’ll just be, like, undulating, pulsating, and there’ll be heat lines coming off of it. “Uh, good morning. Excuse me, is it… Stacy?” “No one by the name of Stacy is here.” “I’m so embarrassed. I thought your name was Stacy.” “El nombre no es importante.” “Wow. Well, judging by that and the smell of sulfur, I’m gonna take a guess that you are… Satan?” “Yes!” Clip-clop. “Yes?” “Uh, look, you gotta go.” “Why? I thought we were gonna get breakfast, smoochie-pie.” “Uh, we can’t get breakfast, because, look, I cheated on my girlfriend, and I…” “You what? You cheated? You cheated on me?” “Are you crying lava?” “Fucking right, I’m crying lava! I’m the devil, what do you think I’m gonna cry? That’s so fucked up. I thought you were a good guy. Fuck you, fuck you!” “Just get outta here.” – “I know when you’re gonna die.” – “Are you fuckin’ serious?” “Nope, that’s the angel of death. I’m just kidding. People think we’re the same, but we’re not. We’re just similar height, we both have brown hair.” Um… “You gotta go.” “Don’t fuckin’ touch me! Get off my tail! I’m going. Give me some bus fare. In my hoof. What are you laughing at?” “I’m sorry, I think it’s ridiculous that you’re taking the bus.” “Yes, I’m taking the bus, okay? I am fiscally responsible. Do you know how hard it is to be the devil? I have no business. The Kardashians take, like, all of my business. I’m not even joking. It’s really hard to earn an honest dollar, okay? I had to have sex with Kris Jenner and everything. It was horrible. She’s evil. Of course I don’t have any money. Of course I take public transportation. I’m a demon of the people, okay? What do you expect me, to drive around in a hearse made of skulls, okay? I’m not Rob Zombie. I’m not an asshole, okay? Now, give me six dollars and 66 cents and I’ll be on my way.” “All right, fucking go.” – “I have a question.” – “What?” “Is it cold outside?” You guys are a wonderful crowd. Uh… there’s no elegant way to wipe off a sweat mustache. I was talking at the beginning about how a lot of my friends are getting married, and I’m happy for them. I think that I’m just in a different head space at the moment. They all get really excited to plan their weddings, and I get really excited to plan a breakup. Guys, hear me out on this. Girls do weird things. And from the day we start dating you, we keep tabs on everything you do wrong… so that if and when we decide to break up with you, ’cause, I don’t know, if the wind changes direction… we can then refer to said list, extrapolate one isolated incident, and use that as the piece de resistance of our breakup masterpiece. You ever been dating a girl, everything’s going great… things are mediocre, not great, but whatever… and she breaks up with you out of the blue? “Yes, your feet look like eagle claws! There, I said it. Cacaw. Cacaw. Goodbye.” It seems like it’s out of nowhere. We let things build. You could be sitting at your anniversary dinner. – “I’m thinking about getting salmon.” – “I’m fuckin’ done!” Like it doesn’t really matter. I’m not cavalier about this. I put time and effort into these breakups. You put time and effort into dating me, I’m going to return said time and effort, plus interest… it’s a very good ROI… on that breakup, okay? These are handcrafted breakups. Hand-hewn, “hecho en California,” tailor-made, forged from the fires of your own insecurities, specialty breakups, okay? I don’t do a generic breakup. I don’t do a breakup template. I don’t do the whole, “Oh, my God, it’s me, not you.” No, it’s you, motherfucker, here’s a list of reasons why. I was dating a guy, we dated for three months, and we were on our first date, right? We’re doing first date stuff, right? We’re at a bar, drinking, talking, taking muscle relaxers. I was asking him first date questions: What do you do, where are you from, what do you max out at? I was like, “Oh, what’s your middle name?” “What’s your middle name?” He goes, “My middle name is Paul.” Now… reciprocity in, like, a normal conversation would dictate that perhaps his next question to me should have been… “What’s… what’s your nah nah nah.” That’s right! What’s your middle name? But he never asked me my middle name, – and I fuckin’… – remembered that. ‘Cause here’s the deal: He wasn’t necessarily wrong in not asking me that. Men and women communicate so differently. I’m surprised we can be in the same room without ripping each other’s genitals off. If you said to him, “Why didn’t you ask her her middle name?” He’d be like, “At the time, she had long hair. I thought she was a mermaid.” Like, not even in the same stratosphere. What’s crazy is every guy in this room is like, “Mermaid hair. I get it.” And where I went wrong, where girls tend to go wrong, is I didn’t tell him why I was mad. We don’t tell you why we’re mad, because “you should know,” which is insane. We barely know why we’re mad. “I don’t know, but something happened, and now I’m mad. I don’t know why I’m mad, but you should. The secrets are locked in my brain.” “Did you eat a key?” “I did. That and the plate and the leaves from earlier. I feel fat.” We just sit there, stoic, with this, like, Stepford wife facade, and we let it rot our brains, and we sit there smiling, but it devolves. “He didn’t ask my middle name. He doesn’t want to get to know me, my hopes, thoughts, dreams, feelings, friends, family, we’ll never have a baby.” Like, that’s the way that devolves. So I began planning the breakup… on the first date. We dated three months, and at the conclusion, I decided I wanted to do a rain breakup. Felt the rain would be emblematic of the tears shed during the courtship. Rain breakup. Wanna break up in the rain. Oh, my God. Unh. Rain, right? All different kinds of rain breakups. You can do one in an alley, crying. You could be a young, British country girl in the 1800s, running through a field. “No! I can’t! I can’t be!” In a white dress, no shoes. Women weren’t allowed to wear shoes until 1962. Fun fact. “No! I can’t be with you! I’ve been betrothed to another, Jeremiah!” “Why? I love you so.” “No!” Running in the rain, and it’s cascading. I’ve got long hair. They didn’t have scissors back then. I’d wrap it around like a belt. It’s weird. I’d be running, and it would cascade over it, white, so it’s just see-through. You wouldn’t see areola, but you’d see nipple bumpage. Like Rachel, Friends, circa 1997. Network nipple, right? Running, fuckin’ doing it. No bra. Running hard. ‘Cause in your fantasy, your tits are like rocks. Just running. “Aahhh!” Every girl has fantasized about kissing a boy in the rain, which, if you’ve ever actually done it, is horrible. You will get the flu. I live in Los Angeles. That’s not clean rain. That’s fucking rats, cabbage, headshots, lettuce. Kale. Three types of leafy greens. We’re healthy. Syringes. Dreams. Couldn’t do a rain breakup. It rained one day while we were dating, but I was wearing a wool sweater. You know. You can’t get wool wet. You’re going to smell like a dirty sheep. No one’s going to miss you. “You’re breaking up with me?” “I’m breaking up with you.” So I had to plan an alternate breakup. Now, before I share with you my alternate fantasy breakup, I’m going to tell you the way we actually broke up. The way we actually broke up was yours truly got a little drunk and a little honest one night and texted him something to the effect of, “You don’t even watch Breaking Bad. How are we supposed to be together?” Fried shrimp. So now, I’m going to share with you my ultimate fantasy breakup. ‘Kay. Thank you. In my fantasy, we will be sitting on my couch, at my house, and I will be a little bit more tan than I am now, so people will be like, “Where did you go on vacation?” I’ll be like, “It’s a secret. Huh.” My hair would be a little bit longer, but not too long… I’d have, like, layers. You know what I’m talking about? A long bob? Where you want to keep the length but not the weight, so you’d have, like, layers. And maybe highlights in the front, but maybe a partial. Like, some warmer tones, like a honey for the fall. Do you know what I’m talking about? Mm-kay. Sitting on my couch, at my house, and I would start a fight out of nowhere. When you’re a woman, you possess a magical, innate ability to create conflict where there formerly was none. All right, we’re talking out of thin fucking air. We could do this as a show in Las Vegas. Argument illusionists. Just creating them. Nothing up my sleeve! Nothing in my hand! Now there’s a fight, motherfucker. Maybe we’ll have a dove. I don’t know the budget. I don’t know what we’ll have. The point is, if the girl wants to have a fight, the lady shall have a fight. And there’s nothing you can do about it. You can cough. That’s enough kindle for that fire. Sitting there watching TV. “What did you say?” “I didn’t say anything.” – “What the fuck did you just say?” – “I didn’t say anything.” “You know what? Forget it!” And I would start crying. Start crying. I’m telling you now that I’m going to cry then. I’m planning to cry. I’m gonna put it in my phone. Set reminder: “Cry later.” Going to make myself cry. How do you make yourself cry? That’s what you’re thinking. Iliza, how do you make yourself cry? Lot of actresses get paid a lot of money to make themselves cry. How do you make yourself cry? I’m going to tell you. You take a small pocketknife… I’m just kidding. Um… Turn around, and unbeknownst to him, I would pluck… a solitary nose hair. You ever do that? That shit hurts… real bad. It’s physically undetectable… …and it’s going to escalate the energy of your argument very quickly. Your argument will magically be transformed from, “You know what? Just forget it!” Big tears, okay? I’ll tell you why it’s important to have big tears, okay? If you’re going to make the attempt to elicit an emotional response from an otherwise emotionally unavailable individual, you must be demonstrative with your ocular lubrication, okay? Unlike women, men are very black and white. They respond to big gestures, okay? Big tears means I am sad. This is not fun. I do not like this. I’m sad now. That’s what big tears say. You can’t risk it with little, snivelly allergy tears. That’s a mixed message. – “What do you want?” – “I don’t know what I want!” He might go kill you a squirrel and bring it back. He doesn’t know what you want! So I’d start crying. “You know what? Forget it!” And I would run out of my own house. I’d run outside. Now… prior to starting this fight, I would have gone into the street and set up orange parking cones in the street, okay? Because for my ultimate fantasy breakup, I want to have a street fight breakup. Anyone that’s ever fought in the street knows, you need a designated fighting area, okay? That’s a public thoroughfare. You can’t just run into it and start fighting. This isn’t West Side Story. You’re gonna get hit by a Buick. So I’d run outside, into the comfort of the Designated Fighting Area, the DFA. Run into it, and I’d immediately start yelling, “I hate you!” Why am I yelling? ‘Cause I’m angry? I’m not angry. Want the neighbors to come out. Want the neighbors to come out. I want them to see how you treat me! He treats me fine. We got frozen yogurt that morning. It’s fine. I want them to come out. I want their energy. I want their attention. I need an audience. Like, obviously. So… I’d have it set up, and he’d run out. “Iliza, what is your problem? Get back inside.” “You don’t tell me what to do. I’m an independent woman. I listen to Beyonce. Surfbort. Surfbort.” – “What does that mean?” – “No one knows.” “What are you so upset about?” I’d be like, “I just feel like, um… this is so hard because I feel like I’m, like, letting you down. I just feel like… we don’t even talk anymore, and… we don’t even know what we argue about… – “You quoting Boyz II Men?” – “Maybe.” “I don’t know why you’re so upset.” And then I would begin. “I just feel like, um… I’m sorry, I just feel like… Why is this dry? I just feel like… You’re a great guy, and you should be with a great girl. I want you to be with a great girl, sort of. And I want you to be… I feel we have a really good time together, and you’re wonderful, but I feel I’m not the girl for you. Okay, I said it. And we have fun, but I don’t feel like we’re gonna be together. We’re just wasting time, and we don’t belong together. I feel like we don’t really even know each other.” “Of course we know each other! Of course I know you!” “Really? What’s my middle name?” Snow! My bra. – We did it. – Good job. Snow. Should I do a curtain call? Is that weird? They’re kind of going crazy out there. – You wanna do a curtain call? – Is it too late? Blanche, you did it! She did it. Oh my God. I think, um… that the theater might file a police report and I might have to get a lawyer… because I killed! Ohh! |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/demetri-martin-demetri-deconstructed-transcript/ | Demetri Martin: Demetri Deconstructed (2024) | Transcript | demetri martin | [typing on keyboard] [woman] Standby for systems check. [beep] [typing] Interfaces loading. [man 1] Cerebral cortex. [woman] Optimal. [man 1] Check. [woman] Auditory channel is linked. [man 1] Sub-vocalization. [man 2] Sub-vocalization strong. [man 1] Okay, Mr. Martin. Are you ready? [Demetri] Yeah, I think so. I feel funny, so yeah, I think I’m ready. [man 1] Good. And I’m, not… There’s no chance of, like, electrocution or, uh, brain damage or anything? [man 1] Oh! [chuckles] No. No, not anymore. [chuckles] Just try to focus your mind, please. [Demetri] Okay. [man 2] System fully booted. [man 1] How far are we? [woman] Seven seconds. [man 1] How’s the visual cortex? [woman] We did not get color. [beeping] [man 1] Okay. It’s all right. Let’s initiate. [man 2] Mr. Martin, when you’re ready. [beep] Okay. [inhales deeply] [beeping] [exhales slowly] [Demetri] Comedy. [beeping continues] Get into a comedy state of mind. [soft jazz music playing] [Demetri] Picture a theater. Doesn’t have to be a big one. You’re in the theater. Not in the seats. You’re onstage. Okay, the stage is set. Pretty standard. You’ve got curtain, lights. You have all the things you need to do a comedy show. [jazz music continues] Looks clean. All right, and… you come out. Not like that. No. Oh, ju… Ah… You come out. That’s worse. You don’t… You don’t enter. You’re already onstage. No, you’re not just standing there like that, waiting. You’re onstage, but it’s a black screen. They can’t see you yet. – Yes, the show’s already started. [cheering and applause] [Demetri] Thank you. Thank you, guys. And then we come in… I appreciate that. Thank you. Uh, you know, I have to say, I feel like I have the best fans. Um, very grateful for the fans I’ve had over the years who’ve stuck with me and seen the shows I’ve done and everything. And one thing I’ll say is I think what’s so cool about my fans is they’re very… very subtle, very cool… [light laughter] …very respectful. Like, you know, I’ll be out, like, at a farmers’ market, you know, and, um, no one will… [laughter] …come up to me, or… or… or bother me, or even look at me, you know what I mean? It’s just, like… And I’ll even go up to people and talk to them and engage them, and they’ll be like, “Yeah, who are you?” And I’m like… “Thank you,” you know? “I appreciate that.” And they’re like, “Sure. Whatever.” So, you know, very cool. I have noticed that if you’re a fan of somebody, you can say you’re a fan, a big fan, a huge fan, their biggest fan. I feel like you can go regular size and up for fan size. That’s fine, but if you go smaller than regular size, it gets weird really fast, you know? If I see a musician in the airport that I like, I’m like, “Sorry to bother you. I am a tiny fan of your music.” [laughter] “What’s that?” “Yeah, I like the chorus in one of your songs, but the rest of it’s not really for me. You know, keep trying.” “Anyway, I’m your smallest fan. Thank you. Tiny fan.” [laughter] [chuckles] Some fans are kinda weird. I’ve definitely had, um, aggression from certain fans. Like, um, I got an email from a woman. She said… I was like… [laughter] “Threaten me into coming to Seattle? That’s kinda weird.” If you wanna bump up a threat, you just turn it into a promise. For some reason, that will escalate the threat. You know, “I’m gonna kick your ass.” “Oh, is that a threat?” “No, that’s a promise.” “Whoa, shit. A promise? Uh-oh.” “This guy’s reliable. That’s scary.” [chuckles] It doesn’t work the other way. You can’t downgrade a promise by turning it into a threat. “I’m gonna take out the garbage.” “Is that a promise?” “No, that’s a threat, sweetie.” [laughter] “You better watch your ass. I might clean the kitchen too.” I make a lotta threats in my house. [chuckles] With broccoli, I wonder if God was thinking something like, “How far are they willing to go in order to eat healthy?” “What do you mean?” “I’m saying, do you think they would eat a fart?” “A fart?” “Yes, I’m gonna do this vegetable that will release farts.” “When they heat it up, it will smell like farts.” “The house will smell like someone went from room to room just unloading the freshest farts they could, you know?” “And I’m gonna make it look like a fart.” “If you hold a piece from the side, it’ll look like, um… a fart captured in space and time.” “Like a 3D… The floret would be the cloud of the fart and the stem would be the shaft.” “It’ll be green, and you’re like, ‘Oh yeah, that’s good.'” “And I’ll do a variation for sort of a high-pitched fart that’s kinda long, you know, like broccolini.” “It’ll be like, ‘Brr… Pfft!” “Very nice, yeah.” Horses have mullets. I just realized that recently. I didn’t know horses… Those are mullets. It’s a very long mullet on the horse, you know? Makes a lot of sense. Horses, you know, they’re country folk really. Not the most educated animal, I’d say, the horse. It’s kinda… Plus, with those teeth, I do think it goes together, the hair and the teeth. People have told me to hold my horses so many times in my life. And not once have they later had the courtesy to say, “Hey, by the way, you can release your horses. It’s cool.” I’m holding hundreds of horses through my life, you know? Please, let me release… I think that concludes the horse portion of my show for tonight. So yeah. [audience cheering, whooping] [applauding, whistling] [Demetri] Thank you. I wonder if leopards look trashy to other animals. “Wow, okay. You gonna wear that?” “Okay…” “Head to toe, that’s…” “Pretty bold there.” “That’s a classy cat, the leopard, for sure.” My friends, uh, they told me they were gonna adopt a dog. I’m happy for them. I was like, “That’s great, you guys, and I think adoption is your best strategy.” “I think that’s a good way to do it. “I think anything else gets strange, yeah.” “We’re gonna get a surrogate.” “No, no, no. Just… You should adopt.” Whether you’re dog person or a cat person, I think we can all agree that your house smells. And you don’t realize it. That’s… That’s the smell of love, I think. [woman] Meow. Yeah. [Demetri] Okay. Her house definitely smells. Anyway, stay focused. Sometimes when I go to a store and I go to pay, I have all my stuff out, and then the cashier in, like, a very condescending tone will just look at my stuff and go, “Is that it?” Like they’re not impressed with what I picked, you know? That’s why now, I usually just save something in my back pocket. Then they say, “Is that it?” And I go, “No, actually, that’s not it.” “Gum!” “That’s it, baby.” “I’m sorry, wait a minute. That’s not it. What’s this?” “Triple A batteries.” “That hurt my ankle, but I think that might’ve been… worth it.” “I’m sorry, hold on for a second.” And I just keep pulling stuff out. Just, like, five minutes later, there’s just a pile of “it.” Cashier’s like, “Hey, I’m at register four, and, um… there’s an idiot up here, and I’m not sure what to do.” “It’s never it for this guy. I’ve never seen anything like this.” I’d finish paying, then leave the store. Fifteen minutes later, I’d call back. “Can I talk to the cashier at register four, please? Thank you.” “Hey, it’s me.” “Can you do me a favor and check your back left pocket?” “That’s it.” I like to shoplift, but I don’t leave the store with the stuff. You still get the high, but you don’t get in trouble. [jazz bassline playing] Just take shit, put it in my pockets. Just look at ’em, make eye contact. Keep taking shit. Just sneak around. Just look at ’em right in the eye as you put stuff in your pockets. Then I put everything back where I got it from. Then I’m like… “You got nothing, man. That’s shopshifting. I can do that.” “I’m just moving stuff around the store in a sneaky way.” “I’m a shopshifter.” I like to get a gift receipt sometimes for something stupid. I’ll be buying toothpaste and be like, “I’m sorry. Oh!” “Could I get a gift receipt for that toothpaste? That’d be fantastic.” I love shopping for toothpaste. Toothpaste is one of the funniest things to buy. You go in the toothpaste aisle, and you enter some sort of adjectives arms race. There’s sensitive formula, there’s gum health, there’s whitening, there’s tartar control. It’s like, at this point, if I had a toothpaste company, I would just put any adjectives on there. What’s the difference? You know? Be like, “Crest, atheist formula.” “What does this do?” [chuckles] “Extra strength? Shit!” What? “Gonna gentrify my mouth?” “Kinda weird.” [soft jazz music playing] [music fades] I still like paying with cash for stuff. It’s… It’s liberating. “Here’s the money.” Sometimes I have a hundred-dollar bill. That’s kind of exciting. Except for when I pay with a hundred, now I’m under investigation. I give ’em the hundred, and they’re just like… Take out this marker like they’re gonna catch a counterfeiter. Yeah, that’s what I’m counterfeiting. When they do that, I just go, “Never mind! Thanks!” “You want a counterfeiter. There, you’ve got one. Okay?” Counterfeiting’s kinda fascinating because that’s a crime that seems to require talent to even count as a crime. Don’t you have to be good enough at counterfeiting to get arrested for it? I mean, what’s the shittiest job at counterfeiting I can do, and I go to jail? If I take a piece of paper and I just write $100 on it, go to the store, pick out a bunch of stuff. Then I go to pay. They ring me up. I’m like, “Here you go.” I mean, do they have to go, “Okay…” Like, do the whole thing? You know what I mean? Maybe there’s a manual for when they’re in that situation. They have to look, the cashiers. “Okay, just ask this question.” “Okay, sir, I just have to ask you this one question legally before I ring you up.” “Um, do you think that I think that this is a hundred-dollar bill?” “Ah, yeah. Good question.” “Do you think that I think that you think it’s a hundred-dollar bill? I’m just curious. Before I say my thing.” “Um…” “Uh, hold on.” Then I go back over here, and I say, “You know what? Never mind.” “I’ll pay another way.” Just give me back my hundred. Um…” “I’m gonna pay with Bitcoin.” “Oh…” “Here you go.” “Uh, this is just a coin with the word ‘bit’ written on it.” “Yeah, I’m doing a bit. I’m a comedian, so it’s…” “Kinda doing a bit, you know?” “So it’s like a play on words. Kind of a little prop joke for you.” “You’re a comedian?” “Yeah, I do standup. I’m a standup comic.” “Cool. Do you, like, tell stories, or…?” “No, it’s mostly kinda short jokes, but then I’ll have little bits.” “Sometimes a scene or something.” “Oh. Is this one of your jokes?” “Actually, it is, yeah. This is a joke I’m gonna do. “Oh, really? Am I in your joke?” “You are, yeah. We’re the two people in the joke.” “I’m playing me, and you’re the cashier.” “Oh, you do, like, a funny voice every time I talk?” “No, that’s not really my style. I don’t, um… change my voice. I just change which way my head is looking.” “And that indicates who’s talking.” “So, this is me.” “And this is me.” “Exactly, so they’re… It sounded the same, but, you see, we’re different people.” “I think I understand based on where you’re looking.” “You got it.” [applause] “So you don’t have an ending for this joke?” [chuckles] [audience cheering] Thanks. [applause, whooping] [soft jazz music playing] [Demetri] I should do something different. I could have a guest. I don’t usually do this, but I wanna share the stage with someone. I have a guest for tonight’s show, so I’m really excited. I’m gonna bring the guest on right now. Here we go. All right, great. So I’d love to see… All right. There you are. [chuckling, whooping] So can you check your mic and just see if they can hear you? [demonic mic effect] Sure. Uh, check, check. Evil, evil. Shit, shit. Check. You wanna introduce yourself to the crowd? Sure. Um, I’m a demon from the underworld. So you’re, like, a devil from hell? No, there’s only one devil. The devil. I’m a demon. I work for the devil. You understand? Yeah, I’m sorry. Well, thank you for being here. Fuck you! [as self] Okay. So, uh, so you work in hell? That’s what you’re saying? You actually work there? Yeah, that’s right. I work in hell. What kinda job are you doing? It’s an entry-level position. I just started, so doing a desk job. Oh, what kind? Clerical work. Mostly doing clerical stuff. I see, and how is that? It fuckin’ sucks! It’s hell. What do you think? [as self] Right, of course. I’m sorry. So what department are you working in? I work in processing, so I help process people who just got to hell. New… New arrivals. Ah, I see. Are you busy? What’s the work like there? Oh, we’re so fucking busy. It’s unbelievable. The last few years have been incredible for us. Did you guys do social media? Oh yeah, that was us. Ahh. That makes sense because I’m not good at social media and stuff, you know, but when I use it, I always feel sort of worse afterwards, you know? Yeah, totally. That’s the idea. It’s just to make you a shittier version of yourself, and to share that with everyone. Well, yeah, that’s cool. It works, for sure. So is the idea that you… you’re… you’re trying to, uh, sorta… advance in… in your job? Will you… Will you move up if you do well? Uh, move down. It’s the opposite direction ’cause it’s hell, so you go deeper into hell. I see. So you don’t get promoted. No, you get demoted. You got it. [as self] Okay, cool. Right now I have a dessert fork. You have a dessert fork? Yeah, you start with a dessert fork, then you get a salad fork, then a dinner fork, then a serving fork, and then eventually you get a pitchfork, if you get demoted far enough. [as self] I see. But the dessert fork is good. You can stab people in the ass with it, gouge their eye out, you know, stuff like that. [as self] Oh. So what kinda… What kinda souls are you seeing? What kinda people? Uh, people who clip their nails on public transit. You go to hell for that. Wow. It’s fuckin’ disgusting. You don’t clip your nails on a bus. Everybody knows that. [as self] Right, of course. Who else is going to hell? Uh, people who park diagonally and take up two parking spaces for their precious car. You go to hell for that, so… [as self, chuckling] I see. If you drive a black BMW, that pretty much does it on its own. Wow. Jesus. People who say “adulting.” [as self] Wow. Yeah. Adult is not a verb. Welcome to hell, shithead! People who say, “I don’t make the rules.” Uh-huh. I’m with you. People who get a vest for their dog just so they can bring it on the plane and call it a service animal when we all know it isn’t. You and your dog can go to hell, asshole. [chuckling] Wow. Um, how exactly do you get demoted, then? How do you move down in hell? Is it a seniority thing? You have to come up with your own project, your own original shitty idea to make the world a worse place. And then if you do that, you get demoted. I see. So it’s almost like a PhD? Yeah, it’s like a PhD. You gotta defend your thing and everything. So do you have an area, a project or anything you’re working on? I don’t know. I’m trying to come up with one. Uh, I was thinking of working with the airlines, doing something there, but it’s really pecked over. Pretty much every idea’s been taken already. Fuck yeah, man. My friend had a great one. Uh, you know when you’re in the supermarket, and there’s those little produce bags? Those little plastic bags that are impossible to open? Yeah, those. Those are the fuckin’ best. That was my friend’s project. I hate that. Yeah. You know when you’re driving and you’re going straight? Yeah, of course. Yeah, and you’re in the right lane, and then, all of a sudden, it turns into a right-turn-only lane? Oh, I hate that. Yeah, and now you’ve gotta cut someone off to get into the middle lane just to keep going straight, which is what you thought you were doing in the first place, and now you’re an asshole. Yeah. That’s my friend’s project. [laughter and applause] All right, well, I wish you luck. I’m gonna get back to the show. You’re on the cusp. I’m on the cusp? For going to hell? You’re on the cusp for going to hell. Really? I’m surprised. I’ve never… killed anybody or cheated on anybody. I don’t say “nucular.” What have I done that I’m gonna go to hell for? When you go bowling, you wait till the person in the lane next to you is about to roll their ball, then you bowl at the exact same time as that person. It’s kinda funny. It’s not funny. You’re being a dick. It’s not synchronized bowling. Cut it out. Prick. Anything else? You watch people parallel park. That’s true, but it’s just kinda funny to stop and look at ’em. Don’t do it, shithead. You move along. That it? Oh no, you got plenty more. I’ll just tell you a couple. Like what? When you go to the beach, you pee in the ocean. Oh, come on. Everybody pees in the ocean. Yeah, but you swim as close to strangers as you can get, and then you pee. That’s true. That’s true. [chuckles] All right. Is that it? Well, you also walk through strangers’ photos. I’m going to hell for photobombing people? No, not photobombing. You walk through their photos. I’ve done it two or three times. You’ve done it 247 times. In my defense, just because you’re getting a picture in front of this fountain with your friend, we gotta all now reroute around you ’cause you own the sidewalk? What makes you so important? Yeah, that’s the spirit. Keep it up. But ri– Now I have… What? [sighs] That was weird. Yeah, I know. Just act like it didn’t happen. If you’re gonna put this on TV, you better fuckin’ step it up. I can’t argue with you. I mean, get your shit together, man. All right. I gotta get back to the show. Anything else you wanna say? Yeah, I just want you to know that even if you think this bit is working, you’re a shitty ventriloquist at best. Thanks. Fuck you. You suck. [as self] All right. Thanks, everybody. That’s the demon. Yeah. [audience applauding, cheering] [disconcerting keyboard music playing] I went to a website I hadn’t been to in a long time, and I tried to log in, and I couldn’t figure out my password. I kept trying it, and I couldn’t get it. And I just thought, “Man, I’m good.” “Wow.” If I can’t figure this out, I mean, that’s… I’m the top person who should be able to crack this, and I can’t get it. The number-one security threat to my own account. [mysterious keyboard chord plays] Thousand Island dressing sounds like the result of an incredible collaboration. You have French, Italian… A thousand islands worked on this one. And it still tastes like garbage. That’s unbelievable. Somebody asked me what mansplaining was. I was like, “Well, it…” “Nice try!” “I have no idea. I don’t know.” “But I’m willing to listen.” [laughter] [keyboard music playing] [applause] I’ll take it. I’ll take it. All right. Mostly dudes clapping. That’s okay. [laughter] My friend asked me if I ever went swimming with dolphins. I said, “Yeah, definitely.” “What distance are we talking about from the dolphins?” “‘Cause… pretty sure I swam with all of ’em last time I was in the ocean, so…” Sometimes I wanna go swimming without dolphins. I gotta find a swimming pool. I love pools. I don’t have a pool, but, you know, a pool is fun. Except there’s one thing I don’t like about swimming in a pool. It’s what happens to the other people that you go swimming with. If they get in the pool before you do, it’s like they all suddenly join this cult, whose only mission is to get you to join them… [laughter] …in the pool. “Please join us. Just come in the pool.” “Please join us.” “You coming in? You gonna get in?” [overlapping] “Please join us.” “When are you getting in? Come on.” “Yeah, I’m gonna come in. I just wanna be ready.” [overlapping] “No, come on.” “Jump in.” “Just come in.” “I’m fine. I know how to get in a pool. Just let me get hot enough. Relax.” Then they start telling me their personal story, like, “You know, when I first got in, I was cold, but then I, um, put my head under.” “Yeah, I don’t give a shit about your temperature or how it went for you.” “This is not my problem. I’m not you.” “I’m me. I’ll come in when I want to.” “Why don’t you go to the other end of the pool with the other blue-lipped weirdos in your cult, and just leave me out of it? I’m fine.” I feel bad for people who can’t float. That must be a bad feeling. When you’re like, “God, any dead body can do this, and I can’t do this. This…” That’s a confidence killer. I think you should be able to wear a shower cap as a hat on a rainy day. It seems like the perfect cap for rain, you know? It’s designed for it. But you definitely can’t. I can’t think of a quicker way to look insane than to add a shower cap to whatever outfit you have on. [soft jazz music playing] [music fades] Hey, to the people who make scented garbage bags, you can probably take the fragrance down like 6000%, and we’d be okay. Not really sure who that’s designed for, you know? “Hey, got a corpse in your kitchen?” “Don’t worry about it. Just throw it in the bag. We’re cool. We got ya.” “Oh, that’d be great.” “Accidentally take a shit in your kitchen garbage?” “That’s okay.” “These bags have industrial-strength lemon scent in them.” “It’s… You can smell the bag from, like, blocks away.” “Don’t worry about it. You can… throw up in there and everything.” “Oh, great. Thank you.” “I have nightmares about that fragrance, so I appreciate that.” How about a joke that’s more topical? How does that joke go? It’s harder these days to even get people’s attention to let ’em know– No. It’s hard to get people’s attention, you know? I’m kind of a quieter guy. That’s not right. It’s like you can’t grab people’s attention. Nah. It’s hard to get people’s attention– No, forget it. You know what? That’s an example of a joke that won’t be in this special. I’ll do crowd work. [audience chuckling] Where’s everybody from? But this is on TV, so… Hey. Where you from? What do you do? Email me. Globes are cool. It’s nice that you can get a doll of the entire Earth. “Hey, look. I’m gonna play with the whole world.” The LGBTQ community, that’s really interesting because I think the letter order there is really important, you know? Like, the GQ BLT community, um… that doesn’t sound right. That doesn’t have the ring to it that you want. “What do we stand for here? A men’s magazine and a sandwich?” “That’s just wrong.” Don’t worry, that joke’s not offensive. I checked. It’s fine. Certified. [joke drum rim shot] Some things sound like they make sense, and then I think about ’em too much, and it sort of unravels. When somebody says, “I wouldn’t touch that with a ten-foot pole,” I’m like, “I know what that means. That makes sense.” But then I thought about it too much and I reversed it, and then it didn’t make sense. The opposite would be, “I would touch that with a ten-foot pole.” “You… You would touch that with a ten-foot pole?” “I would definitely touch that with a ten-foot pole, for sure.” “Okay, ’cause that’s not that different than not touching it with a ten-foot pole.” “No, no, no. It is different.” “I’m saying I would touch it with a ten-foot pole.” “I would poke it and sort of make contact with it, and I’m touching the pole, so…” “Yeah, but you’re ten feet away. You’re not touching it. The pole is.” “Once you’ve introduced a ten-foot pole, we know you’re not touching it.” “Okay, well, how about this?” “I would touch it, pause, with a ten-foot pole.” “What does ‘pause’ mean?” “It means that they’re two thoughts.” “I would touch it. Also, you know, I happen to have a ten-foot pole with me.” “Are you a pole-vaulter, walking around, and you touch stuff?” “Yeah, sure.” “That’s not what you said earlier.” “You talked about poking it.” “With. I’m saying I have a ten-foot pole with me.” “You know, I’ve got a ten-foot pole, and also, I’d touch it.” “You’re not touching it. You’re at least ten feet away.” “If your arm’s out, almost–” “But I’m just saying I would touch it.” “No, that’s not what you meant.” “You meant using the pole to touch it.” “With a pole. I have a pole with me, and I’d touch it.” “Poking it with the pole.” – “No, I’m saying it’s in my presence.” “No, be honest.” “Fuck you. I don’t wanna be roommates anymore.” [double bass twanging pensively] [Demetri] I do ask myself a lotta questions. Why do I do that? And why the follow-up question? Am I the only one who does that? So many questions. So many mysteries. So much unknown. [echoing] Mysteries of the Unknown. [mysterious music playing] [scattered laughter] A man… [eerie pizzicato strings play] [laughter] [dramatic string chord plays] …decides he wants to get a drink. He finds a pub, and he enters. He walks up to the bar, when suddenly, he discovers… [dramatic string chord plays] …he is invisible to bartenders. Despite doing comedy for over 20 years. Motherfucker. [mysterious music continues] [applause] Chicken nuggets have enjoyed wide popularity for decades. Yet for some unknown reason, beef nuggets have never caught on. [imitating echoing] Why? Why? Why? Beef… beef… beef. Nuggets… nuggets. Delicious. How long did it take to make the first clock? No one will ever know. A boy displays unusual aptitude in grade school. He gets straight As through high school. He’s admitted to Harvard University, where he studies for four years. He graduates with honors, but then, shortly after graduating, he is struck with a strange affliction that forces him to mention that he went to Harvard every day for the rest of his fucking life. Life… life… life. [audience whooping, applauding] Nuggets… nuggets… nuggets. Harvard… Harvard… Harvard. [mysterious music continues] You can say “vice-versa,” but you can’t say “versa-vice.” Of all sayings, that one should be switchable. Switchable… switchable… switchable. [hearty laughter] People hate traffic, yet they love parades. It’s the same… same… same. [string chord plays] A woman has a fascinating dream, yet, the next day, when she tells her friend about it, it is unbearably boring. Why? Why? Why? Dream… dream… Harvard… Harvard… [mysterious music continues] A boy plays tic-tac-toe. At the very same moment on the other side of the world, while eating a Tic Tac, another boy stubs his toe. [gentle laughter] Uh-oh… uh-oh… uh-oh… A comedian on his flight to go film his special thinks of a brilliant tic-tac-toe-based joke. Yet when he tells it to the crowd, he is met with silence. What… [laughter] [Demetri] Oh. Nuggets… nuggets… Beef… beef… Harvard… Harvard… A man gets into an argument with his wife. In the middle of the argument, he asks, “What’s wrong?” “Nothing,” she replies. Then, three weeks later, in the middle of a completely different argument, she suddenly recalls in vivid detail exactly what was wrong three weeks earlier. Stunned, the man boards a plane to go shoot his special. [audience roaring with laughter, applauding] Mysteries of the Unknown. [music fades out] [cheering and applause] [Demetri] All right, I’m back. Whoa. Whoa. [overlapping] That seltzer thing. What was I gonna say? – Thoughts. Um… Yeah, he farts. Uh, focus. Whoa. Okay. What was that? Anyway, where was I? Um… [soft jazz music playing] – Asking myself questions… Oh. I should do more jokes. What about something random? [overlapping] The word random is interesting. Cool because why… Because why that word? [multiple Demetris in unison] Why those letters, you know? [normally] It’s so itself. [music fades] I went to a restaurant that was farm to table to toilet. Little too farm fresh for me. We’re so fragile as people, aren’t we? It’s… It’s crazy. You know, you… you can get killed with a pillow. It’s crazy that you can kill someone with a pillow. I mean, that’s fragile. You know, like, the order’s so important. Uh, bed, pillow, head. You rest. That’s great. Bed, head, pillow. You’re dead. What a shitty way to go. “I got the order wrong, and I died!” I was wondering the other day if I’ve ever seen a horse horsing– [soft jazz music playing] I don’t know why, but I find it a lot easier to hate a stranger than love a stranger. I know that sounds weird to say, but I’ll be in line at CVS or something. I’ll be behind some guy, and I’ll be like, “I hate this guy.” “I hate him.” I haven’t even seen the front of him, I’m like, “I’ve seen enough. I hate him.” What is that? What’s my problem? I don’t know what that is about human nature. Um, if there’s one thing I would say about everybody, there’s a selfishness, I think, to human beings that we just all sort of have, just built in there. The fact that community service is a punishment in our society, it’s a pretty good sign, you know, to be like, just under prison, you get community service. How badly did you fuck up that you have to help the community? “You piece of shit! What did you do?” [chuckles] “For 30 hours in the next calendar year, you have to help the community? Wow!” “Glad I’m not you. I bet you learned your lesson, man.” “Yeah, I tried to get prison, but no, they’re gonna make me help.” Strobe lights cause seizures in some people. And we still have strobe lights. How did that work out? I know you might die, but these guidos need to party, so… [chuckles] Sorry you might, uh, choke to death, but this guy needs to look cool when he’s doing the robot in front of this girl, so… [soft jazz music playing] I just got an idea. [in unison] If I had a copy store, I would only hire identical twins to work there. Yeah. If I had one of those bookcases… If I sold telescopes… …that’s a secret bookcase that opens… …I’d have the price really small on the… Uh-oh. …opposite wall. People’d come to my house… Stay focused. “How much is this?” “Look over there.” [audience cheering, applauding] I think a good way to get out of jury duty would be just to just dress as a judge so when they’re bringing all the jurors in, you know, you can look at the judge and be like, “What am I…?” They’d be like, “Get him out of here. I don’t know what he’s doing here.” “Thank you. Sorry. I gotta get back to court.” I went to the store, and they had a sign that said, “Exit only.” And then I went in it. I went in that door, and I was like, “Hey. I have exciting news for you.” “You have severely underestimated this door by, like, 100%.” [beep] is one of those words that sounds more offensive than it is, I think. Is Chris kinda… [beep] …to you? [joke drum rim shot] I love going to concerts. I love seeing my favorite band through the phone of the asshole standing in front of me. [raucous laughter] [applause] [whooping] Yeah. All right, here we go. This is a good part of the show. I think you’re gonna like this. So… I really like drawing. I find that it’s fun to incorporate it into my standup sometimes, so I’m gonna show you some drawings. [enthusiastic cheering] The cool thing about a drawing is I can share something personal, and I can use a graphic to illustrate it more specifically. For example, here, this is a graph. It’s pretty personal. This stands for “donut sensation.” So this is… these are my feelings when I encounter a donut, basically, so here’s my normal resting state. Somebody offers me a donut, and I’m like, “Ooh, I’m gonna have a donut.” Excited. I’m like, “I can’t have a donut for no reason.” “But I want the donut. No, I’m not gonna eat it.” Now here, I’m eating the donut. I feel fantastic. Until the last bite, and then I just plummet. “Oh God. I had a donut.” Here’s where it gets interesting, the second donut. I’m like, “Oh yes! No, no! Yes! Shit! I don’t know.” It’s a crisis, which is the second donut. With icebergs… People love to talk about the tip of the iceberg. They’re always gonna tell you about the tip. It’s the most talked about part of the iceberg by far. In fact, you never hear about any other part of the iceberg, you know? People are just like, “Yeah, just the tip of the iceberg.” Those are the people that like to give you bad news. Like, “Oh man, you are fucked,” you know? They never later check in and say, “By the way, bottom of the iceberg,” you know? “We’re just about done.” But here’s what’s interesting. Because of climate change, this is not as shitty a thing to say as it used to be, you know? ‘Cause icebergs are now smaller than they were, so you’re just at the tip of something that’s not as big an ordeal as it used to be. So this is actually a lot better than it was because things are much worse. [laughter] [applause] [cheering] Yeah. [audience whooping, whistling] Okay, birth. Death. This is your life as you move from birth to death. This is how much future you have. This is how much past you have. Right? So when you’re born, you have all this future. But then as you live, your future steadily gets smaller and smaller until you get to right here, where you die. At the very same time, when you’re born, there’s no past. But your past gets bigger and bigger as you go at the very same rate until you get to here, where you have no future and all past. That’s the condition of being dead. But there’s an interesting point in the middle where your future and past are in equilibrium. And this is during the midlife existential crisis. [laughter and applause] Yeah. This is the kinda thing you might draw during the midlife existential crisis. Yeah. [audience whooping] Okay, mustaches. [chuckles] Slight one is creepy. It’s always creepy, right? Just kinda a pube ‘stache. On a boy, a grandmother, whoever. It’s just… It’s just… There should be a waiting period. “Can you stay indoors for a few days until that thickens up? We can’t look at you like that.” Short is okay. Short mustache, great. You got good hygiene, it’s tidy. Nice. Too long, awkward. Come on. It’s hanging over the lip. We see it poking your lip, and we’re thinking about how you eat soup and all this shit. Twirls at the end, that’s an uncomfortable feeling, I think, for us. You know, you see one that twirls, and it just raises a lot of questions, “Do you have to wax that every day?” “Does it stick to your face in the night? You gotta wake up and pull it off?” “How is this woman with you?” Stuff like that. We’re wondering. What’s interesting is that handshakes follow the exact same pattern. [chuckles] Slight handshake, that’s creepy. I’m shaking your hand, you gotta squeeze back. Don’t just give me your hand and move it around. Participate! We’re doin’ this together. Short handshake, of course, is okay. “Great to meet you.” Too long is awkward. You’re shaking someone’s hand like, “Okay, I’m done.” They don’t let go. I’m like, “Whoa, you felt me pulling out. You don’t dominate me in this greeting. You just… Release.” Twirls at the end, a very uncomfortable feeling. “Hey, good to meet you. How’s it g… What?!” “We’re dancing? Okay, wow.” That was kinda nice, but… very uncomfortable.” I like the letter R. That’s one of my favorite uppercase letters, just to look at. I like the leg position, I think that’s what it is. When I see the alphabet, the letters look like they posed for portraits, like A or whatever. But R is kinda cool. It looks like it was just walking by, and the artist was like, “Stop!” “What, like this?” “Yeah, hold that. I love it.” “Just that action.” R. Regal. This is a graph of the letter N. So this is the height over time… of an N, right? So we start here, and we’re going up. We’re moving through time, it’s getting later, now we’re going down. Then we go back up. And that’s the N. Probably the dumbest drawing I’ve done in about five years, so I feel pretty good about that, yeah. I would love to get that on TV. This is a calendar-based drawing. So this is yesterday, actually. This is a still life. So this is a bowl of ice cream with a cherry on top on a round place mat on a round side table on a round area rug, so… I love frisbees. Frisbees are, like, the only thing you can throw at a stranger, and hit ’em with it, and it’s okay. Know what I mean? You hit some guy with a frisbee. “What the fuck? Oh, it’s a frisbee. Cool.” “Here you go.” You can go to the park alone with just you and a frisbee. When people aren’t looking, you can just throw it at ’em and hit ’em. Then you can be like, “Little help.” “Are you even here with anybody?” “Thank you!” This is a landscape. That’s Antarctica. Finally, I have a graph here. This is how much things are improved with frosting. So we have… Mini-Wheats are greatly improved with frosting. I think everybody can agree. Frosted Mini Wheats, great. Cupcakes, also, huge improvement when you add the frosting. They’re good, but the frosting’s great. Cookies also very good with frosting. We got a drop off here to tips. So, uh, when you frost your tips, I don’t think it improves them much. And that might be too generous. I don’t know if that’s… Frosted tips. Okay. That’s some comedy right there. [cheering] Thank you. Nice. This is a good crowd. I wanna give ’em something more, like… hmm… Wait a minute. I wonder if I could go back. Yeah, I think that could work. Okay, now I’m gonna try something. I’m gonna go back through the drawings in the opposite direction and do a different joke for each drawing we just saw. Let’s see if we can… Okay, this is a graph going in that direction of things that are more and more awkward to give to a stripper. So tips, not awkward at all. That’s pretty normal. Cookies, we shoot way up in awkwardness. That’s weird. Even weirder is cupcakes, but the most awkward to give to a stripper is Mini-Wheats, to be like, “Thank you for your dance.” “Perhaps you can have these for breakfast.” “They are frosted, which is superior, as we know, so…” [chuckles] This is a nude. It’s, uh, it’s a guy lying on his side. Uh, this is his butt cheek, so it’s a close-up. He’s a white guy. One thing I hate is a frisbee. I hate frisbees. It’s the only thing a stranger can throw at you and hit you with and you can’t get mad at ’em, you know? I hate that. This is a tattoo I would never get. Especially in America. I just don’t think that’s a good tattoo to get. [audience groaning] [Demetri chuckles] Oh, I’m sorry. [laughter] This is a tattoo I would get, you know? I don’t know if you can get tattoos after you die, if you can have that in your will, say, “Hey, could I… You know, first thing, please, if you could put an X on each of my eyelids for the wake, I would appreciate it,” and it’s like… People’d come say, “You know, he did like cartoons, so that makes a lotta sense.” This is how much hair and teeth you have over the course of your life, so… You’re born, you have no hair or teeth, then you get more and more hair and teeth, and you reach the peak. Then you start losing your hair and your teeth. And then you get fake hair and fake teeth to be a bizarro version of your earlier self. Okay. That’s the R from behind. [raucous laughter] [cheering and applause] [Demetri] Pretty tight butt on that R. [chuckles] That R works out. [chuckles] Massages. A slight one is creepy. It’s creepy to get a slight massage. That’s… Someone’s just fondling your back, just… A short massage is okay, sure, if it’s effective. Great. Don’t have to spend all day on it. Too long is awkward. You’re harassing me. “Look, I’ve had to fart for 20 minutes. Just get away.” Twirls at the end, an uncomfortable feeling. Somebody finishes a massage, you’re relaxed, then they just go… “What was that about? Is that a target or something?” A slight hello is creepy always. [softly] Hi. A short hello is fine. Hey. Of course. Too long is awkward. Heeelloooo! Twirls at the end, that’s an uncomfortable feeling. You know? If they’re like, “Hey.” Huh. That felt awkward. Hey. That was weird. How ’bout, like, smoother? Nope. – I’m gonna try that again. Hey! What about from a different angle? Nope. What about like this? Forget it. Just move on. All right. Breakfast. Dinner. Lunch. This is how appropriate it is to have French toast. This is how appropriate it is to have pasta. At breakfast, very appropriate to have French toast, but as the day goes on, it becomes less and less appropriate to have French toast. until at dinner, it’s ridiculous to have French toast. At the very same time, pasta, which was completely inappropriate at breakfast, becomes more and more appropriate until at dinner, it’s completely appropriate to have pasta. But there’s a point in the middle of the day, when it’s equally appropriate to have French toast or pasta, and this is when you’re most likely to eat carbohydrates. [audience applauding, whooping] Yeah. I’ll take that. Okay, I can only speak for the men here, but when you’re standing in cold water… These are pants and this is water. You’re like, “That’s pretty cold water. I think I know how cold.” But then it starts moving up your legs, and you don’t really know how cold it is until it gets to the tip, then you’re like, “Oooh!” [chuckles] “That’s very cold.” “Retreat. Retreat!” Finally, this stands for Demetri sleeping. So this is my mouth. That’s my nose. That’s my hair. And that’s my eye. [audience applauding, whooping] [Demetri] That’s me sleeping on my back. [soft jazz music playing] Comedy. [audience cheering, whistling] [Demetri] Thank you. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. [machine beeping] [man 1] Oh, okay. You’re all done. How do you feel? It felt very real. Very vivid. [man 1] Right. Just, like, it’s like I was really doing a special. Does your mind feel less blocked? I feel funny. My head is very hot, like, almost like it’s maybe slightly… burnt. Well, that is normal. [chuckles uneasily] Uh, the good news is, uh, we know what is wrong with you exactly. Oh. Your brain is constipated. [Demetri sighs] Oh. Is that serious? Yeah. I don’t know how else to put it. There’s too much in there. Yeah. Right, the first step will be a, uh, mental laxative. Uh… A mental laxative? Yeah. [soft jazz music playing] [music fades out] | [cheering and applause] [Demetri] Thank you. Thank you, guys. And then we come in… I appreciate that. Thank you. Uh, you know, I have to say, I feel like I have the best fans. Um, very grateful for the fans I’ve had over the years who’ve stuck with me and seen the shows I’ve done and everything. And one thing I’ll say is I think what’s so cool about my fans is they’re very… very subtle, very cool… [light laughter] …very respectful. Like, you know, I’ll be out, like, at a farmers’ market, you know, and, um, no one will… [laughter] …come up to me, or… or… or bother me, or even look at me, you know what I mean? It’s just, like… And I’ll even go up to people and talk to them and engage them, and they’ll be like, “Yeah, who are you?” And I’m like… “Thank you,” you know? “I appreciate that.” And they’re like, “Sure. Whatever.” So, you know, very cool. I have noticed that if you’re a fan of somebody, you can say you’re a fan, a big fan, a huge fan, their biggest fan. I feel like you can go regular size and up for fan size. That’s fine, but if you go smaller than regular size, it gets weird really fast, you know? If I see a musician in the airport that I like, I’m like, “Sorry to bother you. I am a tiny fan of your music.” [laughter] “What’s that?” “Yeah, I like the chorus in one of your songs, but the rest of it’s not really for me. You know, keep trying.” “Anyway, I’m your smallest fan. Thank you. Tiny fan.” [laughter] [chuckles] Some fans are kinda weird. I’ve definitely had, um, aggression from certain fans. Like, um, I got an email from a woman. She said… I was like… [laughter] “Threaten me into coming to Seattle? That’s kinda weird.” If you wanna bump up a threat, you just turn it into a promise. For some reason, that will escalate the threat. You know, “I’m gonna kick your ass.” “Oh, is that a threat?” “No, that’s a promise.” “Whoa, shit. A promise? Uh-oh.” “This guy’s reliable. That’s scary.” [chuckles] It doesn’t work the other way. You can’t downgrade a promise by turning it into a threat. “I’m gonna take out the garbage.” “Is that a promise?” “No, that’s a threat, sweetie.” [laughter] “You better watch your ass. I might clean the kitchen too.” I make a lotta threats in my house. [chuckles] With broccoli, I wonder if God was thinking something like, “How far are they willing to go in order to eat healthy?” “What do you mean?” “I’m saying, do you think they would eat a fart?” “A fart?” “Yes, I’m gonna do this vegetable that will release farts.” “When they heat it up, it will smell like farts.” “The house will smell like someone went from room to room just unloading the freshest farts they could, you know?” “And I’m gonna make it look like a fart.” “If you hold a piece from the side, it’ll look like, um… a fart captured in space and time.” “Like a 3D… The floret would be the cloud of the fart and the stem would be the shaft.” “It’ll be green, and you’re like, ‘Oh yeah, that’s good.'” “And I’ll do a variation for sort of a high-pitched fart that’s kinda long, you know, like broccolini.” “It’ll be like, ‘Brr… Pfft!” “Very nice, yeah.” Horses have mullets. I just realized that recently. I didn’t know horses… Those are mullets. It’s a very long mullet on the horse, you know? Makes a lot of sense. Horses, you know, they’re country folk really. Not the most educated animal, I’d say, the horse. It’s kinda… Plus, with those teeth, I do think it goes together, the hair and the teeth. People have told me to hold my horses so many times in my life. And not once have they later had the courtesy to say, “Hey, by the way, you can release your horses. It’s cool.” I’m holding hundreds of horses through my life, you know? Please, let me release… I think that concludes the horse portion of my show for tonight. So yeah. [audience cheering, whooping] [applauding, whistling] [Demetri] Thank you. I wonder if leopards look trashy to other animals. “Wow, okay. You gonna wear that?” “Okay…” “Head to toe, that’s…” “Pretty bold there.” “That’s a classy cat, the leopard, for sure.” My friends, uh, they told me they were gonna adopt a dog. I’m happy for them. I was like, “That’s great, you guys, and I think adoption is your best strategy.” “I think that’s a good way to do it. “I think anything else gets strange, yeah.” “We’re gonna get a surrogate.” “No, no, no. Just… You should adopt.” Whether you’re dog person or a cat person, I think we can all agree that your house smells. And you don’t realize it. That’s… That’s the smell of love, I think. [woman] Meow. Yeah. [Demetri] Okay. Her house definitely smells. Anyway, stay focused. Sometimes when I go to a store and I go to pay, I have all my stuff out, and then the cashier in, like, a very condescending tone will just look at my stuff and go, “Is that it?” Like they’re not impressed with what I picked, you know? That’s why now, I usually just save something in my back pocket. Then they say, “Is that it?” And I go, “No, actually, that’s not it.” “Gum!” “That’s it, baby.” “I’m sorry, wait a minute. That’s not it. What’s this?” “Triple A batteries.” “That hurt my ankle, but I think that might’ve been… worth it.” “I’m sorry, hold on for a second.” And I just keep pulling stuff out. Just, like, five minutes later, there’s just a pile of “it.” Cashier’s like, “Hey, I’m at register four, and, um… there’s an idiot up here, and I’m not sure what to do.” “It’s never it for this guy. I’ve never seen anything like this.” I’d finish paying, then leave the store. Fifteen minutes later, I’d call back. “Can I talk to the cashier at register four, please? Thank you.” “Hey, it’s me.” “Can you do me a favor and check your back left pocket?” “That’s it.” I like to shoplift, but I don’t leave the store with the stuff. You still get the high, but you don’t get in trouble. [jazz bassline playing] Just take shit, put it in my pockets. Just look at ’em, make eye contact. Keep taking shit. Just sneak around. Just look at ’em right in the eye as you put stuff in your pockets. Then I put everything back where I got it from. Then I’m like… “You got nothing, man. That’s shopshifting. I can do that.” “I’m just moving stuff around the store in a sneaky way.” “I’m a shopshifter.” I like to get a gift receipt sometimes for something stupid. I’ll be buying toothpaste and be like, “I’m sorry. Oh!” “Could I get a gift receipt for that toothpaste? That’d be fantastic.” I love shopping for toothpaste. Toothpaste is one of the funniest things to buy. You go in the toothpaste aisle, and you enter some sort of adjectives arms race. There’s sensitive formula, there’s gum health, there’s whitening, there’s tartar control. It’s like, at this point, if I had a toothpaste company, I would just put any adjectives on there. What’s the difference? You know? Be like, “Crest, atheist formula.” “What does this do?” [chuckles] “Extra strength? Shit!” What? “Gonna gentrify my mouth?” “Kinda weird.” [soft jazz music playing] [music fades] I still like paying with cash for stuff. It’s… It’s liberating. “Here’s the money.” Sometimes I have a hundred-dollar bill. That’s kind of exciting. Except for when I pay with a hundred, now I’m under investigation. I give ’em the hundred, and they’re just like… Take out this marker like they’re gonna catch a counterfeiter. Yeah, that’s what I’m counterfeiting. When they do that, I just go, “Never mind! Thanks!” “You want a counterfeiter. There, you’ve got one. Okay?” Counterfeiting’s kinda fascinating because that’s a crime that seems to require talent to even count as a crime. Don’t you have to be good enough at counterfeiting to get arrested for it? I mean, what’s the shittiest job at counterfeiting I can do, and I go to jail? If I take a piece of paper and I just write $100 on it, go to the store, pick out a bunch of stuff. Then I go to pay. They ring me up. I’m like, “Here you go.” I mean, do they have to go, “Okay…” Like, do the whole thing? You know what I mean? Maybe there’s a manual for when they’re in that situation. They have to look, the cashiers. “Okay, just ask this question.” “Okay, sir, I just have to ask you this one question legally before I ring you up.” “Um, do you think that I think that this is a hundred-dollar bill?” “Ah, yeah. Good question.” “Do you think that I think that you think it’s a hundred-dollar bill? I’m just curious. Before I say my thing.” “Um…” “Uh, hold on.” Then I go back over here, and I say, “You know what? Never mind.” “I’ll pay another way.” Just give me back my hundred. Um…” “I’m gonna pay with Bitcoin.” “Oh…” “Here you go.” “Uh, this is just a coin with the word ‘bit’ written on it.” “Yeah, I’m doing a bit. I’m a comedian, so it’s…” “Kinda doing a bit, you know?” “So it’s like a play on words. Kind of a little prop joke for you.” “You’re a comedian?” “Yeah, I do standup. I’m a standup comic.” “Cool. Do you, like, tell stories, or…?” “No, it’s mostly kinda short jokes, but then I’ll have little bits.” “Sometimes a scene or something.” “Oh. Is this one of your jokes?” “Actually, it is, yeah. This is a joke I’m gonna do. “Oh, really? Am I in your joke?” “You are, yeah. We’re the two people in the joke.” “I’m playing me, and you’re the cashier.” “Oh, you do, like, a funny voice every time I talk?” “No, that’s not really my style. I don’t, um… change my voice. I just change which way my head is looking.” “And that indicates who’s talking.” “So, this is me.” “And this is me.” “Exactly, so they’re… It sounded the same, but, you see, we’re different people.” “I think I understand based on where you’re looking.” “You got it.” [applause] “So you don’t have an ending for this joke?” [chuckles] [audience cheering] Thanks. [applause, whooping] [soft jazz music playing] [Demetri] I should do something different. I could have a guest. I don’t usually do this, but I wanna share the stage with someone. I have a guest for tonight’s show, so I’m really excited. I’m gonna bring the guest on right now. Here we go. All right, great. So I’d love to see… All right. There you are. [chuckling, whooping] So can you check your mic and just see if they can hear you? [demonic mic effect] Sure. Uh, check, check. Evil, evil. Shit, shit. Check. You wanna introduce yourself to the crowd? Sure. Um, I’m a demon from the underworld. So you’re, like, a devil from hell? No, there’s only one devil. The devil. I’m a demon. I work for the devil. You understand? Yeah, I’m sorry. Well, thank you for being here. Fuck you! [as self] Okay. So, uh, so you work in hell? That’s what you’re saying? You actually work there? Yeah, that’s right. I work in hell. What kinda job are you doing? It’s an entry-level position. I just started, so doing a desk job. Oh, what kind? Clerical work. Mostly doing clerical stuff. I see, and how is that? It fuckin’ sucks! It’s hell. What do you think? [as self] Right, of course. I’m sorry. So what department are you working in? I work in processing, so I help process people who just got to hell. New… New arrivals. Ah, I see. Are you busy? What’s the work like there? Oh, we’re so fucking busy. It’s unbelievable. The last few years have been incredible for us. Did you guys do social media? Oh yeah, that was us. Ahh. That makes sense because I’m not good at social media and stuff, you know, but when I use it, I always feel sort of worse afterwards, you know? Yeah, totally. That’s the idea. It’s just to make you a shittier version of yourself, and to share that with everyone. Well, yeah, that’s cool. It works, for sure. So is the idea that you… you’re… you’re trying to, uh, sorta… advance in… in your job? Will you… Will you move up if you do well? Uh, move down. It’s the opposite direction ’cause it’s hell, so you go deeper into hell. I see. So you don’t get promoted. No, you get demoted. You got it. [as self] Okay, cool. Right now I have a dessert fork. You have a dessert fork? Yeah, you start with a dessert fork, then you get a salad fork, then a dinner fork, then a serving fork, and then eventually you get a pitchfork, if you get demoted far enough. [as self] I see. But the dessert fork is good. You can stab people in the ass with it, gouge their eye out, you know, stuff like that. [as self] Oh. So what kinda… What kinda souls are you seeing? What kinda people? Uh, people who clip their nails on public transit. You go to hell for that. Wow. It’s fuckin’ disgusting. You don’t clip your nails on a bus. Everybody knows that. [as self] Right, of course. Who else is going to hell? Uh, people who park diagonally and take up two parking spaces for their precious car. You go to hell for that, so… [as self, chuckling] I see. If you drive a black BMW, that pretty much does it on its own. Wow. Jesus. People who say “adulting.” [as self] Wow. Yeah. Adult is not a verb. Welcome to hell, shithead! People who say, “I don’t make the rules.” Uh-huh. I’m with you. People who get a vest for their dog just so they can bring it on the plane and call it a service animal when we all know it isn’t. You and your dog can go to hell, asshole. [chuckling] Wow. Um, how exactly do you get demoted, then? How do you move down in hell? Is it a seniority thing? You have to come up with your own project, your own original shitty idea to make the world a worse place. And then if you do that, you get demoted. I see. So it’s almost like a PhD? Yeah, it’s like a PhD. You gotta defend your thing and everything. So do you have an area, a project or anything you’re working on? I don’t know. I’m trying to come up with one. Uh, I was thinking of working with the airlines, doing something there, but it’s really pecked over. Pretty much every idea’s been taken already. Fuck yeah, man. My friend had a great one. Uh, you know when you’re in the supermarket, and there’s those little produce bags? Those little plastic bags that are impossible to open? Yeah, those. Those are the fuckin’ best. That was my friend’s project. I hate that. Yeah. You know when you’re driving and you’re going straight? Yeah, of course. Yeah, and you’re in the right lane, and then, all of a sudden, it turns into a right-turn-only lane? Oh, I hate that. Yeah, and now you’ve gotta cut someone off to get into the middle lane just to keep going straight, which is what you thought you were doing in the first place, and now you’re an asshole. Yeah. That’s my friend’s project. [laughter and applause] All right, well, I wish you luck. I’m gonna get back to the show. You’re on the cusp. I’m on the cusp? For going to hell? You’re on the cusp for going to hell. Really? I’m surprised. I’ve never… killed anybody or cheated on anybody. I don’t say “nucular.” What have I done that I’m gonna go to hell for? When you go bowling, you wait till the person in the lane next to you is about to roll their ball, then you bowl at the exact same time as that person. It’s kinda funny. It’s not funny. You’re being a dick. It’s not synchronized bowling. Cut it out. Prick. Anything else? You watch people parallel park. That’s true, but it’s just kinda funny to stop and look at ’em. Don’t do it, shithead. You move along. That it? Oh no, you got plenty more. I’ll just tell you a couple. Like what? When you go to the beach, you pee in the ocean. Oh, come on. Everybody pees in the ocean. Yeah, but you swim as close to strangers as you can get, and then you pee. That’s true. That’s true. [chuckles] All right. Is that it? Well, you also walk through strangers’ photos. I’m going to hell for photobombing people? No, not photobombing. You walk through their photos. I’ve done it two or three times. You’ve done it 247 times. In my defense, just because you’re getting a picture in front of this fountain with your friend, we gotta all now reroute around you ’cause you own the sidewalk? What makes you so important? Yeah, that’s the spirit. Keep it up. But ri– Now I have… What? [sighs] That was weird. Yeah, I know. Just act like it didn’t happen. If you’re gonna put this on TV, you better fuckin’ step it up. I can’t argue with you. I mean, get your shit together, man. All right. I gotta get back to the show. Anything else you wanna say? Yeah, I just want you to know that even if you think this bit is working, you’re a shitty ventriloquist at best. Thanks. Fuck you. You suck. [as self] All right. Thanks, everybody. That’s the demon. Yeah. [audience applauding, cheering] [disconcerting keyboard music playing] I went to a website I hadn’t been to in a long time, and I tried to log in, and I couldn’t figure out my password. I kept trying it, and I couldn’t get it. And I just thought, “Man, I’m good.” “Wow.” If I can’t figure this out, I mean, that’s… I’m the top person who should be able to crack this, and I can’t get it. The number-one security threat to my own account. [mysterious keyboard chord plays] Thousand Island dressing sounds like the result of an incredible collaboration. You have French, Italian… A thousand islands worked on this one. And it still tastes like garbage. That’s unbelievable. Somebody asked me what mansplaining was. I was like, “Well, it…” “Nice try!” “I have no idea. I don’t know.” “But I’m willing to listen.” [laughter] [keyboard music playing] [applause] I’ll take it. I’ll take it. All right. Mostly dudes clapping. That’s okay. [laughter] My friend asked me if I ever went swimming with dolphins. I said, “Yeah, definitely.” “What distance are we talking about from the dolphins?” “‘Cause… pretty sure I swam with all of ’em last time I was in the ocean, so…” Sometimes I wanna go swimming without dolphins. I gotta find a swimming pool. I love pools. I don’t have a pool, but, you know, a pool is fun. Except there’s one thing I don’t like about swimming in a pool. It’s what happens to the other people that you go swimming with. If they get in the pool before you do, it’s like they all suddenly join this cult, whose only mission is to get you to join them… [laughter] …in the pool. “Please join us. Just come in the pool.” “Please join us.” “You coming in? You gonna get in?” [overlapping] “Please join us.” “When are you getting in? Come on.” “Yeah, I’m gonna come in. I just wanna be ready.” [overlapping] “No, come on.” “Jump in.” “Just come in.” “I’m fine. I know how to get in a pool. Just let me get hot enough. Relax.” Then they start telling me their personal story, like, “You know, when I first got in, I was cold, but then I, um, put my head under.” “Yeah, I don’t give a shit about your temperature or how it went for you.” “This is not my problem. I’m not you.” “I’m me. I’ll come in when I want to.” “Why don’t you go to the other end of the pool with the other blue-lipped weirdos in your cult, and just leave me out of it? I’m fine.” I feel bad for people who can’t float. That must be a bad feeling. When you’re like, “God, any dead body can do this, and I can’t do this. This…” That’s a confidence killer. I think you should be able to wear a shower cap as a hat on a rainy day. It seems like the perfect cap for rain, you know? It’s designed for it. But you definitely can’t. I can’t think of a quicker way to look insane than to add a shower cap to whatever outfit you have on. [soft jazz music playing] [music fades] Hey, to the people who make scented garbage bags, you can probably take the fragrance down like 6000%, and we’d be okay. Not really sure who that’s designed for, you know? “Hey, got a corpse in your kitchen?” “Don’t worry about it. Just throw it in the bag. We’re cool. We got ya.” “Oh, that’d be great.” “Accidentally take a shit in your kitchen garbage?” “That’s okay.” “These bags have industrial-strength lemon scent in them.” “It’s… You can smell the bag from, like, blocks away.” “Don’t worry about it. You can… throw up in there and everything.” “Oh, great. Thank you.” “I have nightmares about that fragrance, so I appreciate that.” How about a joke that’s more topical? How does that joke go? It’s harder these days to even get people’s attention to let ’em know– No. It’s hard to get people’s attention, you know? I’m kind of a quieter guy. That’s not right. It’s like you can’t grab people’s attention. Nah. It’s hard to get people’s attention– No, forget it. You know what? That’s an example of a joke that won’t be in this special. I’ll do crowd work. [audience chuckling] Where’s everybody from? But this is on TV, so… Hey. Where you from? What do you do? Email me. Globes are cool. It’s nice that you can get a doll of the entire Earth. “Hey, look. I’m gonna play with the whole world.” The LGBTQ community, that’s really interesting because I think the letter order there is really important, you know? Like, the GQ BLT community, um… that doesn’t sound right. That doesn’t have the ring to it that you want. “What do we stand for here? A men’s magazine and a sandwich?” “That’s just wrong.” Don’t worry, that joke’s not offensive. I checked. It’s fine. Certified. [joke drum rim shot] Some things sound like they make sense, and then I think about ’em too much, and it sort of unravels. When somebody says, “I wouldn’t touch that with a ten-foot pole,” I’m like, “I know what that means. That makes sense.” But then I thought about it too much and I reversed it, and then it didn’t make sense. The opposite would be, “I would touch that with a ten-foot pole.” “You… You would touch that with a ten-foot pole?” “I would definitely touch that with a ten-foot pole, for sure.” “Okay, ’cause that’s not that different than not touching it with a ten-foot pole.” “No, no, no. It is different.” “I’m saying I would touch it with a ten-foot pole.” “I would poke it and sort of make contact with it, and I’m touching the pole, so…” “Yeah, but you’re ten feet away. You’re not touching it. The pole is.” “Once you’ve introduced a ten-foot pole, we know you’re not touching it.” “Okay, well, how about this?” “I would touch it, pause, with a ten-foot pole.” “What does ‘pause’ mean?” “It means that they’re two thoughts.” “I would touch it. Also, you know, I happen to have a ten-foot pole with me.” “Are you a pole-vaulter, walking around, and you touch stuff?” “Yeah, sure.” “That’s not what you said earlier.” “You talked about poking it.” “With. I’m saying I have a ten-foot pole with me.” “You know, I’ve got a ten-foot pole, and also, I’d touch it.” “You’re not touching it. You’re at least ten feet away.” “If your arm’s out, almost–” “But I’m just saying I would touch it.” “No, that’s not what you meant.” “You meant using the pole to touch it.” “With a pole. I have a pole with me, and I’d touch it.” “Poking it with the pole.” – “No, I’m saying it’s in my presence.” “No, be honest.” “Fuck you. I don’t wanna be roommates anymore.” [double bass twanging pensively] [Demetri] I do ask myself a lotta questions. Why do I do that? And why the follow-up question? Am I the only one who does that? So many questions. So many mysteries. So much unknown. [echoing] Mysteries of the Unknown. [mysterious music playing] [scattered laughter] A man… [eerie pizzicato strings play] [laughter] [dramatic string chord plays] …decides he wants to get a drink. He finds a pub, and he enters. He walks up to the bar, when suddenly, he discovers… [dramatic string chord plays] …he is invisible to bartenders. Despite doing comedy for over 20 years. Motherfucker. [mysterious music continues] [applause] Chicken nuggets have enjoyed wide popularity for decades. Yet for some unknown reason, beef nuggets have never caught on. [imitating echoing] Why? Why? Why? Beef… beef… beef. Nuggets… nuggets. Delicious. How long did it take to make the first clock? No one will ever know. A boy displays unusual aptitude in grade school. He gets straight As through high school. He’s admitted to Harvard University, where he studies for four years. He graduates with honors, but then, shortly after graduating, he is struck with a strange affliction that forces him to mention that he went to Harvard every day for the rest of his fucking life. Life… life… life. [audience whooping, applauding] Nuggets… nuggets… nuggets. Harvard… Harvard… Harvard. [mysterious music continues] You can say “vice-versa,” but you can’t say “versa-vice.” Of all sayings, that one should be switchable. Switchable… switchable… switchable. [hearty laughter] People hate traffic, yet they love parades. It’s the same… same… same. [string chord plays] A woman has a fascinating dream, yet, the next day, when she tells her friend about it, it is unbearably boring. Why? Why? Why? Dream… dream… Harvard… Harvard… [mysterious music continues] A boy plays tic-tac-toe. At the very same moment on the other side of the world, while eating a Tic Tac, another boy stubs his toe. [gentle laughter] Uh-oh… uh-oh… uh-oh… A comedian on his flight to go film his special thinks of a brilliant tic-tac-toe-based joke. Yet when he tells it to the crowd, he is met with silence. What… [laughter] [Demetri] Oh. Nuggets… nuggets… Beef… beef… Harvard… Harvard… A man gets into an argument with his wife. In the middle of the argument, he asks, “What’s wrong?” “Nothing,” she replies. Then, three weeks later, in the middle of a completely different argument, she suddenly recalls in vivid detail exactly what was wrong three weeks earlier. Stunned, the man boards a plane to go shoot his special. [audience roaring with laughter, applauding] Mysteries of the Unknown. [music fades out] [cheering and applause] [Demetri] All right, I’m back. Whoa. Whoa. [overlapping] That seltzer thing. What was I gonna say? – Thoughts. Um… Yeah, he farts. Uh, focus. Whoa. Okay. What was that? Anyway, where was I? Um… [soft jazz music playing] – Asking myself questions… Oh. I should do more jokes. What about something random? [overlapping] The word random is interesting. Cool because why… Because why that word? [multiple Demetris in unison] Why those letters, you know? [normally] It’s so itself. [music fades] I went to a restaurant that was farm to table to toilet. Little too farm fresh for me. We’re so fragile as people, aren’t we? It’s… It’s crazy. You know, you… you can get killed with a pillow. It’s crazy that you can kill someone with a pillow. I mean, that’s fragile. You know, like, the order’s so important. Uh, bed, pillow, head. You rest. That’s great. Bed, head, pillow. You’re dead. What a shitty way to go. “I got the order wrong, and I died!” I was wondering the other day if I’ve ever seen a horse horsing– [soft jazz music playing] I don’t know why, but I find it a lot easier to hate a stranger than love a stranger. I know that sounds weird to say, but I’ll be in line at CVS or something. I’ll be behind some guy, and I’ll be like, “I hate this guy.” “I hate him.” I haven’t even seen the front of him, I’m like, “I’ve seen enough. I hate him.” What is that? What’s my problem? I don’t know what that is about human nature. Um, if there’s one thing I would say about everybody, there’s a selfishness, I think, to human beings that we just all sort of have, just built in there. The fact that community service is a punishment in our society, it’s a pretty good sign, you know, to be like, just under prison, you get community service. How badly did you fuck up that you have to help the community? “You piece of shit! What did you do?” [chuckles] “For 30 hours in the next calendar year, you have to help the community? Wow!” “Glad I’m not you. I bet you learned your lesson, man.” “Yeah, I tried to get prison, but no, they’re gonna make me help.” Strobe lights cause seizures in some people. And we still have strobe lights. How did that work out? I know you might die, but these guidos need to party, so… [chuckles] Sorry you might, uh, choke to death, but this guy needs to look cool when he’s doing the robot in front of this girl, so… [soft jazz music playing] I just got an idea. [in unison] If I had a copy store, I would only hire identical twins to work there. Yeah. If I had one of those bookcases… If I sold telescopes… …that’s a secret bookcase that opens… …I’d have the price really small on the… Uh-oh. …opposite wall. People’d come to my house… Stay focused. “How much is this?” “Look over there.” [audience cheering, applauding] I think a good way to get out of jury duty would be just to just dress as a judge so when they’re bringing all the jurors in, you know, you can look at the judge and be like, “What am I…?” They’d be like, “Get him out of here. I don’t know what he’s doing here.” “Thank you. Sorry. I gotta get back to court.” I went to the store, and they had a sign that said, “Exit only.” And then I went in it. I went in that door, and I was like, “Hey. I have exciting news for you.” “You have severely underestimated this door by, like, 100%.” [beep] is one of those words that sounds more offensive than it is, I think. Is Chris kinda… [beep] …to you? [joke drum rim shot] I love going to concerts. I love seeing my favorite band through the phone of the asshole standing in front of me. [raucous laughter] [applause] [whooping] Yeah. All right, here we go. This is a good part of the show. I think you’re gonna like this. So… I really like drawing. I find that it’s fun to incorporate it into my standup sometimes, so I’m gonna show you some drawings. [enthusiastic cheering] The cool thing about a drawing is I can share something personal, and I can use a graphic to illustrate it more specifically. For example, here, this is a graph. It’s pretty personal. This stands for “donut sensation.” So this is… these are my feelings when I encounter a donut, basically, so here’s my normal resting state. Somebody offers me a donut, and I’m like, “Ooh, I’m gonna have a donut.” Excited. I’m like, “I can’t have a donut for no reason.” “But I want the donut. No, I’m not gonna eat it.” Now here, I’m eating the donut. I feel fantastic. Until the last bite, and then I just plummet. “Oh God. I had a donut.” Here’s where it gets interesting, the second donut. I’m like, “Oh yes! No, no! Yes! Shit! I don’t know.” It’s a crisis, which is the second donut. With icebergs… People love to talk about the tip of the iceberg. They’re always gonna tell you about the tip. It’s the most talked about part of the iceberg by far. In fact, you never hear about any other part of the iceberg, you know? People are just like, “Yeah, just the tip of the iceberg.” Those are the people that like to give you bad news. Like, “Oh man, you are fucked,” you know? They never later check in and say, “By the way, bottom of the iceberg,” you know? “We’re just about done.” But here’s what’s interesting. Because of climate change, this is not as shitty a thing to say as it used to be, you know? ‘Cause icebergs are now smaller than they were, so you’re just at the tip of something that’s not as big an ordeal as it used to be. So this is actually a lot better than it was because things are much worse. [laughter] [applause] [cheering] Yeah. [audience whooping, whistling] Okay, birth. Death. This is your life as you move from birth to death. This is how much future you have. This is how much past you have. Right? So when you’re born, you have all this future. But then as you live, your future steadily gets smaller and smaller until you get to right here, where you die. At the very same time, when you’re born, there’s no past. But your past gets bigger and bigger as you go at the very same rate until you get to here, where you have no future and all past. That’s the condition of being dead. But there’s an interesting point in the middle where your future and past are in equilibrium. And this is during the midlife existential crisis. [laughter and applause] Yeah. This is the kinda thing you might draw during the midlife existential crisis. Yeah. [audience whooping] Okay, mustaches. [chuckles] Slight one is creepy. It’s always creepy, right? Just kinda a pube ‘stache. On a boy, a grandmother, whoever. It’s just… It’s just… There should be a waiting period. “Can you stay indoors for a few days until that thickens up? We can’t look at you like that.” Short is okay. Short mustache, great. You got good hygiene, it’s tidy. Nice. Too long, awkward. Come on. It’s hanging over the lip. We see it poking your lip, and we’re thinking about how you eat soup and all this shit. Twirls at the end, that’s an uncomfortable feeling, I think, for us. You know, you see one that twirls, and it just raises a lot of questions, “Do you have to wax that every day?” “Does it stick to your face in the night? You gotta wake up and pull it off?” “How is this woman with you?” Stuff like that. We’re wondering. What’s interesting is that handshakes follow the exact same pattern. [chuckles] Slight handshake, that’s creepy. I’m shaking your hand, you gotta squeeze back. Don’t just give me your hand and move it around. Participate! We’re doin’ this together. Short handshake, of course, is okay. “Great to meet you.” Too long is awkward. You’re shaking someone’s hand like, “Okay, I’m done.” They don’t let go. I’m like, “Whoa, you felt me pulling out. You don’t dominate me in this greeting. You just… Release.” Twirls at the end, a very uncomfortable feeling. “Hey, good to meet you. How’s it g… What?!” “We’re dancing? Okay, wow.” That was kinda nice, but… very uncomfortable.” I like the letter R. That’s one of my favorite uppercase letters, just to look at. I like the leg position, I think that’s what it is. When I see the alphabet, the letters look like they posed for portraits, like A or whatever. But R is kinda cool. It looks like it was just walking by, and the artist was like, “Stop!” “What, like this?” “Yeah, hold that. I love it.” “Just that action.” R. Regal. This is a graph of the letter N. So this is the height over time… of an N, right? So we start here, and we’re going up. We’re moving through time, it’s getting later, now we’re going down. Then we go back up. And that’s the N. Probably the dumbest drawing I’ve done in about five years, so I feel pretty good about that, yeah. I would love to get that on TV. This is a calendar-based drawing. So this is yesterday, actually. This is a still life. So this is a bowl of ice cream with a cherry on top on a round place mat on a round side table on a round area rug, so… I love frisbees. Frisbees are, like, the only thing you can throw at a stranger, and hit ’em with it, and it’s okay. Know what I mean? You hit some guy with a frisbee. “What the fuck? Oh, it’s a frisbee. Cool.” “Here you go.” You can go to the park alone with just you and a frisbee. When people aren’t looking, you can just throw it at ’em and hit ’em. Then you can be like, “Little help.” “Are you even here with anybody?” “Thank you!” This is a landscape. That’s Antarctica. Finally, I have a graph here. This is how much things are improved with frosting. So we have… Mini-Wheats are greatly improved with frosting. I think everybody can agree. Frosted Mini Wheats, great. Cupcakes, also, huge improvement when you add the frosting. They’re good, but the frosting’s great. Cookies also very good with frosting. We got a drop off here to tips. So, uh, when you frost your tips, I don’t think it improves them much. And that might be too generous. I don’t know if that’s… Frosted tips. Okay. That’s some comedy right there. [cheering] Thank you. Nice. This is a good crowd. I wanna give ’em something more, like… hmm… Wait a minute. I wonder if I could go back. Yeah, I think that could work. Okay, now I’m gonna try something. I’m gonna go back through the drawings in the opposite direction and do a different joke for each drawing we just saw. Let’s see if we can… Okay, this is a graph going in that direction of things that are more and more awkward to give to a stripper. So tips, not awkward at all. That’s pretty normal. Cookies, we shoot way up in awkwardness. That’s weird. Even weirder is cupcakes, but the most awkward to give to a stripper is Mini-Wheats, to be like, “Thank you for your dance.” “Perhaps you can have these for breakfast.” “They are frosted, which is superior, as we know, so…” [chuckles] This is a nude. It’s, uh, it’s a guy lying on his side. Uh, this is his butt cheek, so it’s a close-up. He’s a white guy. One thing I hate is a frisbee. I hate frisbees. It’s the only thing a stranger can throw at you and hit you with and you can’t get mad at ’em, you know? I hate that. This is a tattoo I would never get. Especially in America. I just don’t think that’s a good tattoo to get. [audience groaning] [Demetri chuckles] Oh, I’m sorry. [laughter] This is a tattoo I would get, you know? I don’t know if you can get tattoos after you die, if you can have that in your will, say, “Hey, could I… You know, first thing, please, if you could put an X on each of my eyelids for the wake, I would appreciate it,” and it’s like… People’d come say, “You know, he did like cartoons, so that makes a lotta sense.” This is how much hair and teeth you have over the course of your life, so… You’re born, you have no hair or teeth, then you get more and more hair and teeth, and you reach the peak. Then you start losing your hair and your teeth. And then you get fake hair and fake teeth to be a bizarro version of your earlier self. Okay. That’s the R from behind. [raucous laughter] [cheering and applause] [Demetri] Pretty tight butt on that R. [chuckles] That R works out. [chuckles] Massages. A slight one is creepy. It’s creepy to get a slight massage. That’s… Someone’s just fondling your back, just… A short massage is okay, sure, if it’s effective. Great. Don’t have to spend all day on it. Too long is awkward. You’re harassing me. “Look, I’ve had to fart for 20 minutes. Just get away.” Twirls at the end, an uncomfortable feeling. Somebody finishes a massage, you’re relaxed, then they just go… “What was that about? Is that a target or something?” A slight hello is creepy always. [softly] Hi. A short hello is fine. Hey. Of course. Too long is awkward. Heeelloooo! Twirls at the end, that’s an uncomfortable feeling. You know? If they’re like, “Hey.” Huh. That felt awkward. Hey. That was weird. How ’bout, like, smoother? Nope. – I’m gonna try that again. Hey! What about from a different angle? Nope. What about like this? Forget it. Just move on. All right. Breakfast. Dinner. Lunch. This is how appropriate it is to have French toast. This is how appropriate it is to have pasta. At breakfast, very appropriate to have French toast, but as the day goes on, it becomes less and less appropriate to have French toast. until at dinner, it’s ridiculous to have French toast. At the very same time, pasta, which was completely inappropriate at breakfast, becomes more and more appropriate until at dinner, it’s completely appropriate to have pasta. But there’s a point in the middle of the day, when it’s equally appropriate to have French toast or pasta, and this is when you’re most likely to eat carbohydrates. [audience applauding, whooping] Yeah. I’ll take that. Okay, I can only speak for the men here, but when you’re standing in cold water… These are pants and this is water. You’re like, “That’s pretty cold water. I think I know how cold.” But then it starts moving up your legs, and you don’t really know how cold it is until it gets to the tip, then you’re like, “Oooh!” [chuckles] “That’s very cold.” “Retreat. Retreat!” Finally, this stands for Demetri sleeping. So this is my mouth. That’s my nose. That’s my hair. And that’s my eye. [audience applauding, whooping] [Demetri] That’s me sleeping on my back. [soft jazz music playing] Comedy. [audience cheering, whistling] [Demetri] Thank you. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pete-davidson-alive-from-new-york-transcript/ | PETE DAVIDSON: ALIVE FROM NEW YORK (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | pete davidson | So, Louis C.K. tried to get me fired from SNL my first year, and this is that story. So, it’s, like, 2014 or ’15, uh, and it’s the finale of SNL, and I-I was so shocked and happy that I didn’t get fired, and this is a feeling that I get to relive every week. -I get… Just, it– it’s really awesome. I can’t– I still can’t believe it. It’s very funny. Um, so, I was just celebrating, you know? Louis C.K. was hosting, and at the time, Louis C.K. was, like, a very well-respected comedian. Like, at the time. Like, yeah. At the time, he was someone that you would look up to and want approval of, at the time. At the time, it was someone you wanted to be nice to you. Um, anyway, so he was hosting, and I-I was just thrilled, so, uh, I smoked a joint, uh, in my dressing room, and as I was leaving to go into the elevators, um… Louis C.K. was, like, holding court and talking to, like, a bunch of the cast and writers and, like, cool people, and, like, they were, like, clearly very into a conversation, so I was just, like, “I don’t want any part of that.” Like, you know, I’m high. I don’t wanna, like, ruin it for anybody. Or, like, I don’t want that guy to know I exist, you know? So I just put my hoodie on, and I closed it really tight, and I walked all the way around to the other side of the elevators so I could not, you know, be in the way at all, and, uh, so I press the button, and I’m just waitin’ there, and then all of a sudden, Louis C.K. stops his conversation. He looks up and points at me and goes, “Look how fuckin’ high Pete is, that fuckin’ idiot! Just getting fuckin’ high at work, you stupid fuck. You’re gonna smoke your career away, idiot.” – Oh, my God. And I was, like, so high, I was like, “That didn’t happen.” -I was like, “No, no. No. Nah.” This is a me issue, for sure. He probably said, “See you tomorrow, champ.” -You know, I probably… So I go to work the next day, and I get a phone call from Lorne Michaels’ office. Uh, this was alarming because I’ve been there for a year, and I have yet to hear from his office until today. So I was like, “Oh, shit.” You know? So I answered the phone, and they’re like, “Hey, Louis just left Lorne’s office. He went in there to talk about you, and now Lorne wants to– you– to talk to you now,” and I was like, “Oh, fuck. All right.” You know, ’cause I was like, “Now I’m gettin’ fired.” Like, this is what I thought, so I was just trying to hype myself up. It’s like I was just like, you know, uh, “Fuck them. They’re the ones who look stupid anyway. They hired and fired you. They’re wrong twice.” -You know? Fuckin’… yeah. I was like, “You could creep into the back and wild out, and nobody would fuckin’ notice. -Who gives a shit, right?” Um… So… I was walking, uh, into his office, just trying to feel better and whatever, and I open the door, and Lorne’s sitting there, right? And he, uh, looks really confused, uh, as do I ’cause, you know, that’s just, like, how I look, you know? I look like, you know, you just asked me to, like, divide. – Uh… I don’t know. Um… anyway, so he looks very confused, and he’s like, “Sit down.” So I do, and he goes, “So… uh… um, Louis, uh, came in and told me that, uh, you smoke weed.” Uh, and I was like, “Uh, yes. Uh… the rumors that you have heard ring true.” And then I saw, with his eyes, he kinda looked deflated, like he didn’t know what to say, you know? ‘Cause with his eyes, he’s like, “I’m sorry we’re having this conversation, but, like, Louis told on you, and he told me to talk to you, and, personally, I don’t think this is a big deal ’cause people used to do coke here, and I think you’re a pussy, actually. I’m really sorry we’re having this conversation.” You know, and I read that with his eyes, and with my eyes, I said, “No doubt, homie.” So… You know, it was just, like, awkward for another second, and it was quiet, and then he goes, “Yeah, so I guess, uh, you know, what you could do is, I guess, you know, ’cause I– he said you smoke a lot of weed, so maybe you could just, like, watch, uh, the amount of weed that you smoke.” And I was like, “All right, I’ll watch.” I was like, “I’ll never leave it out of my sight.” I was like, “No problem. I’m a man of my word.” And I was like… Uh, he goes, “Yeah.” He goes, “Um, again, I’m sorry to have this conversation with you, but Louis brought it to my attention and said, you know, you’re smokin’, uh, your career away, and you smoked so much weed in the office the other day that it actually made him uncomfortable.” And I was like, “Oh, shit. Like, really?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” And I was like, “Oh, so, like, am I fired?” And he was like, “No.” And I was like, “Why?” And he was like, “I don’t know.” -Uh… Which, again, is a conversation we have yearly, on a yearly basis. “Is this the year?” “I don’t know. Not yet. I don’t know. We’ll figure– We’ll figure it out. I don’t know.” And that fucking killed me, you know? Like, I had to leave that office, like, with that. You know, just like, Louis C.K. doesn’t like you, you know? One of the best comedians arguably ever, you know, and especially at the time, like, one of… It just killed me, you know, ’cause, like, why am I even doing stand-up if this guy doesn’t like me, you know? That’s somebody’s approval you want, and I was like, “This guy fucking doesn’t like me ’cause I smoke weed?” That– that sucks, you know? And I had to, like, sit with that for, like, five years, you know? -And then, one glorious morning… …I woke up, and I read: “Louis C.K. jerks off in front of women.” And I went, “Yes!” I’m… You know what I mean. Like, I didn’t want it to happen, but if it was gonna happen to anybody, I’m glad it was him. You know, does that make sense? Okay. Nah, it’s just… Let me just tell you how crazy it is to jerk off alone, okay? Um… Yeah, just, you know, be in the room with me, you know? -Is it okay? – Yeah. -Um… So… just, you know, jerking off alone is fuckin’ weird. You ever, like, jerk off, and it– it’s taking a long time, and you can’t even make yourself come, and you’re like, “You’re a fuckin’ loser. Like, you can’t… can’t even do yourself. Oof. What makes you think anybody else would wanna do you?” You know? There’s that old tale, you catch yourself in the mirror? That’s happened to me, actually, ’cause I’m stupid. Not any– never again ’cause now I jerk off in the pitch-black. Yeah, I do. Phone facedown, you know, ’cause you could get a text, and it could reflect off the mirror, and then you can catch yourself in the corner jerking off. Mom text at the top. You ever try to jerk off after getting a mom text? It’s– it’s damn near impossible. I didn’t say “impossible,” but it is damn near, for sure. It is one of the harder things I’ve had to do. But, no, it just– it bummed me out, like, hearin’ all this shit ’cause, like, I just felt bad for all those women that he jerked off in front of. It’s just really sad, you know, ’cause it really affected them, and, like, if they only knew that, like, you know, when Louis, like, whipped out his dick and started jerkin’ it, if they just, like, lit up a blunt, he would’ve been like, “Oh, fuck, is that weed? Holy shit, you fuckin’ animals. I’m telling. You pieces of shit. Oh, fuck. You’re gonna smoke away your career.” My friend, uh, that I financially support, uh, had a kid, so, uh, I’m a dad. Yeah, I wasn’t exactly ready for it. Uh… He gave me a call. He was all excited. He was like, “Yo, bro. I got great news.” I was like, “You got a job?” And he was like, “No, bro. I had a kid.” And I was like, “Wow, that’s, like, the exact opposite of a job.” I can’t wait to have a kid. I’m very excited. I don’t think it’s very hard at all. No, ’cause all my friends are havin’ ’em, and their complaints, uh, they don’t, uh, bother me very much. All their complaints are the same. They’re like, “Bro, it cries!” And I’m like, “Oh, man, go in the other room.” Yeah, everything cries. You know? You try to make it stop, and then you leave. I cry all the time. Eventually, my friends are like, “Yo, dude, I gotta go to work. I don’t know. Fuckin’ figure it out. Get offline.” So that, they say it cries, uh, and the other complaint is, they’re like, “Yo, it, like, shits all the time.” And that doesn’t really bother me either, because, like, you know, so do I. You know, so I don’t mind cleaning it up at, like, a smaller scale, you know? Plus, when you clean kids, sometimes you see spots that, like, you might have missed on yourself, you know? Yeah. You know? You’re like, “Wow, I’ve never seen my asshole from this angle before.” You’re like, “I will dab that corner when I hop out the shower.” You hop out the shower, you’re like, -“Son of a bitch.” I love babysitting… uh, ’cause I microdose mushrooms, so I speak baby. -Uh… Yeah, I love it. They’re talking, you know? Uh, the other day, my, uh, my nephew was like, “Bleh,” and I was like, “Forensic Files. Got it.” So, I was… Mushrooms are great. Mushrooms are like… are kinda like being on a roller coaster when you’re, like, going up, but, like, you just never go down. It’s just the way up, you know, where you’re like, “This is sick! This is awesome! I can’t believe we’re doin’ this! Oh, my God!” for like four hours. Something weird, uh, happened when I was babysitting, uh, the other day. Uh, my friend, uh, his son i-is still teething, right? And, uh, so, like, we were watchin’ Forensic Files, and I was just sittin’ there, and, uh, h-he’s teething, so he just, like, grabbed my hand and started, like, sucking my fingers, but, like, good. –Like… Like, I definitely left it in there for a second. I was like, “No! Wow, but no!” I know that joke splits the room. -Uh… I’m aware. It’s not the first time I’ve done this. Uh… I know it’s weird to tell jokes like that, but this is a joke, you know. This is a comedy club. You know, it would be weird if this was, like, a town hall meeting, and I, like, grab the mic, and I was like, “Hey, guys, here are some ideas I have.” “All right, I’ll be in the lot with buttons.” Um… I think girls should tell guys how to make them come. Uh… Like, the first time you have sex. Before, like, have a debriefing, you know? You know, ’cause apparently every girl is different is, uh, you know, what I’m telling myself. Everyone is different, and I think one of them is just dead inside. -Um… Yeah, I think– I’m like, “No, I think you’re just broken.” -Uh… No, no, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I don’t know. Sometimes, you just say giggly things. Um, no, but yeah, girls should tell guys, uh, how to make them come. Not when they’re comfortable, you know. I know you don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings, but it won’t. Uh, it doesn’t. You know, you could be– we could be mid-, you know, fuck, and you could be like, “I hate this,” and we’ll be like, “Oh, how’s this? Good? Okay, forgotten.” You know? Didn’t even happen. You know? You should just tell the guy, you know? Like, I guess guy stuff is very self-explanatory, right? You just, like, yank it, and shit flies out, right? It’s really easy. Like, my son could do it, and, uh… -Aw. But yeah, apparently, you know, it’s not very hard to make girls come. You know, like, if you’re sweating and out of breath, I’m told you have done it wrong. But, you know, all I know is from, like, porn because I grew up with just, like, a mom and a sister, right? So, like, we never had that talk, you know? I just never had that dinner where I felt comfortable to be like, you know, “Yo, guys. If I wasn’t your son or brother, uh…” You know, so, uh, everything I knew, uh, was from porn, which is, like, a lot of movement and, like, screaming and, uh… You know, sometimes you just take it out and do a couple push-ups, you know, and then go right… Um, sorry. You know, so I-I didn’t really– I didn’t really know, but, like, luckily, uh, one, uh, lady told me. Apparently, there’s just, like… there’s this little… uh, this little thing in the vagina. It’s, like, a little circle thing. I-It kinda… You know boxing? It kinda looks like the thing that’s like this. The, like, speed bag thing. The thing that guys go slow or quite fast on. And apparently, the vagina is, uh, quite the same. You know? You know, you just kinda just tap that little thing very, very lightly… uh, or– or floor it, uh, apparently. Those are the two options. Yeah. Don’t even have to change your outfit. Uh… But, yeah, you should just tell the guy, you know? Like I said, guy stuff is very self-explanatory, but if someone ever pulled my pants down and just started, like, punching my dick, I wouldn’t be like, “Aw, fuck! I hope she figures it out. -Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! This is war.” I would be like, “Who sent you? What is this? Is this… Is this an assassination attempt?” Like, here’s something, uh, that no guy likes, but we’re, like, afraid, uh, to tell, uh, the girl, you know, because, uh, we’re, like, so close to… b-banging… There’s not many words, uh, t-to say what that is, so “banging” is, you know, the most appropriate… for… And this is gonna be on Nickelodeon. -Yeah. You know. Yeah, that’s why I wore a suit, you know. ‘Cause usually, I don’t. I always just usually dress like I’m ready to be slimed. -Uh, but… But I found a nice lady suit at the Banana Republic, and I’m fucking crushing it right now. I look like a divorced wife who just, like, got it together. “Don’t come back. I have a repertoire now.” Um… But, yeah, here’s something that– that no– no guy likes, uh, at all. Uh, you know when, like, a girl’s on top, right? Before they, like, shove the dick in them? Again, I know that’s not the best way to say it, but believe it or not, I’ve tried five other ways, and “shove the dick in them” won by, like, a landslide. -I-It… So just imagine how horrible the other four were, right? -Suddenly it’s better. Um… So, yeah, you know when they’re on top, and they’re about to slam it up there? -Uh… See? Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I was sayin’. So you know when you’re on top, and you’re about to shove the dick in ya? Uh… Some– Some girls, most, uh, usually they just start sliding, uh, o-on top of the dicks before they put it up there. They’re just like, “Yeah. Yeah, do you like this?” No, we don’t. Fuckin’ hurts, a lot. Stop doing that, every girl ever, please. Please. Just put it in there. Please. It hurts so fucking bad. It hurts, you know, ’cause you shave or you don’t, either way, you’re all prickly down there, right? And then you just start, like, rubbing that against our bare little dicks. That shit hurts. You’re like, “Ooh, you like that?” We’re like, “No. Have you ever gotten an Indian burn? ‘Cause that’s what it feels like. Feels like you’re my mom’s weird friend that would do that -when she wasn’t around.” Yeah, everybody remembers that weird friend, right? Everybody’d go upstairs, and he’d be like, “Hey, kid. You ever get an Indian burn?” And you’d be like, “No,” and at first, you’d be like, “Cool!” And then you’re like, “Hey, stop, mister!” Yeah. No– no– no guy likes that, okay? It feels very bad. Feels like sandpaper. I guess girls can’t tell, because, like, the enjoyment and the pain face are pretty much the same during fucking. They’re both like, “Ah.” You know, so, like, I guess… But it– it– it really hurts, a lot. You know, and then… and then all of a sudden, uh, your dick gets, like, all chapped and, like, ripped apart, and– and then the next day, you wake up and you’re like, “What the fuck is this?” You’re like, “What– what is this? Did I get some new STD that a-arrives within 24 hours? This is crazy.” And then I go to the doctor, and I’m like, “Hey, man, what is this?” And he’s like, “You need to learn how to fuck,” and I’m like, “What? What is this?” Doctors in Staten Island are– are a lot different. I don’t know. I, um… I have a– I have a lot of gay friends. Uh… I like, um, my gay friends ’cause I don’t think there’s, like, a more honest relationship between, like, a gay dude and a straight dude, ’cause there’s just, like, nothing to gain, you know? So it’s just pure honesty, and– and gay dudes are the most honest people in the world, -also mean, but… Just honest, we could say, but it’s really mean. -Um, like, I’ll give you an example. Like, I left my mom’s house the– Well, it’s my house too. Uh, fuck you. I don’t gotta explain myself, okay? I’m very, uh, comfortable with my situation. No, yeah. I love livin’ with my mom, uh, you know? ‘Cause, uh, I have my– I live in the basement. – It’s an apartment… um… …and then there’s a– well, there’s the u-upper floor, which we call the common area… ’cause we’re roommates. I got– I got my own entrance downstairs, says: “Pete’s… Entrance.” -It does. Yeah, it does. Yeah. It’s fuckin’ cool. Endless amount of Gushers. Uh-uh, you’re laughing, but only the– only the cool cats are allowed down there. I gotta tell ya. Mom has to knock. -Yeah, there’s no… She doesn’t barge in there, ever. Always knock. Anyway, yeah. Also, every girl I date has, like, a whole batch of gay friends, right? But there’s always one gay friend that I don’t think is fuckin’ gay at all. Yeah. Girls laugh. Every guy’s like, “Yeah, Kyle. Fuck that guy. Fuckin’ hate that guy. Can’t say anything, but I want to.” If you’re confused, it’s the guy that, like… uh, y-your boyfriend will come up to you and be like, “Hey, what’s up with, uh… What’s up with Kyle? You know, that guy, you know, always hanging around.” Your girlfriend’ll have the same response always, “Who, him? Kyle?” And you’re like, “Yeah, what’s up? What’s up with that boy? You know, what’s going on?” And then your girlfriend will be like, “Aw, please. He’s gay.” You know? And you’ll be like, “Well, is that, like, confirmed? Is it, like— is it out on the streets? Do the streets know that he’s gay?” Uh, and then your girl will say the same thing, “No, but, like, everybody knows.” And you’re like, “Mm, not this fuckin’ guy, okay? I don’t know that. Nope. I’m onto you, Kyle. Okay?” The sleepovers, you know? If you hate pussy so much, why are you cuddling it? Very weird. You know? You’ll never find me, like, cuddling a package of parking tickets or something like that, you know? Different things, yes, but good enough for me. You know, I-I-I don’t get it. You know, uh, there’s this– this certain type of gay dude, uh, I call them the fondlers… uh… because there’s– right now, there’s no rule for gay dudes. They can pretty much do whatever they want. Uh, it’s pretty fuckin’ crazy. Uh… You know, and a-all power to you, but, like, there’s a lot of power. -Uh… There is! You know, gay dudes, like, there’s the fondlers, right? It’s that gay dude that’ll, like, run up on your girlfriend and, like, squeeze her boobs and, like, slap her ass and be like, “Damn, girl, you look great!” I don’t find that fuckin’ funny, like, at all. I’m sorry. Like, I’m all for the gayness, you know. It doesn’t mean I’m against gayness. It’s just, like, you know how hard I work to fucking slap titties and… You know? You know how many fuckin’ birthdays I’ve missed? You know, friends I’ve lost? Christmases spent in Ohio… …and you just get to slap ass on a technicality? That’s not fuckin’ fair at all. Yeah, right in front of you. Walk up, slap the ass, giggle. You know, just ’cause he could, you know? I would never do that just ’cause I could, you know? I wouldn’t, like, walk up to his boyfriend and, like, tug his dick and be like, “Nice, Gary. Not for me, but cool!” Why? What? I’m straight. What? You know, there’s certain rules for certain people, and I don’t understand, you know? Uh, it just doesn’t make sense to me, you know? But I-I can’t fight it, ’cause I’ve already played the fight out in my head, and I’m sure many of you guys have, uh, where, like, it just– it never works. I always lose, you know? Uh, I go up to him, a-and he, you know, he, you know, slaps her ass, uh, you know, grabs her boobs, and does a little giggle dance, and then I go, “Hey– hey, Kyle. What the fuck?” And then Kyle decides to come out that day and goes, uh, “Oh, uh, I’m gay.” A-And then it’s over. He won. That’s it. That’s the entire fight. You know, you might as well be like, “Sorry, as you were.” Tap it or floor it, I’ve been told. It’s just weird ’cause it only works… uh, it only works gay dude, uh, straight girl. It doesn’t work any other way, right? Like, it doesn’t work, like, straight dude, gay girl, right? Like, I can’t walk up to a lesbian and, like, grab her boobs and be like, “It’s okay. We both hate this.” Um… I get in trouble a lot. Uh, like, well, I got pulled over today on the way here. Uh, and does anybody, when they get pulled over, put on, like, Billy Joel? ‘Cause you think the officer’s gonna come up, “License and reg– Billy Joel! Get the fuck out of here, dude! You’re not a piece of shit. I thought you’d be listenin’ to 2 Chainz or something. All right.” Oh, man. It’s even more awkward when it doesn’t work. Then you’re just sitting there, and he’s like, “License and registra– -Can you turn off Bill Withers?” But, uh, I get in a– I get in a lot of trouble. I got in trouble last year ’cause I-I was makin’, uh, makin’ some jokes, and, uh, I got in trouble, uh, ’cause I made fun of this gentleman with an eye patch that’s in politics. His name is Dan Crenshaw. Uh… I was– I didn’t think I did anything wrong. It was, like, words that were twisted so that a guy could, you know, do– be famous, but, uh, yeah, I don’t… I-It… This is pretty much what it is. I-I would like… ‘Cause I don’t have, like, Twitter, so I can’t, like, explain myself every time something bad happens. I was like, “I guess I’ll just shoot a special and tell everybody. Yeah, since I’m not allowed on the Internet.” Uh… Yeah. I’m pretty sure if I go on the Internet, I’d, like, go to jail or something. – Um… So, I made fun of this guy, uh, with an eye patch, uh, and then, like, I kinda got forced to apologize ’cause, like, people were, like, threatening to, like, shoot me in the face, and unfortunately, you know, I didn’t pick up that call. -My roommate did, so… …she wasn’t fuckin’ cool with that… and my roommate thought that I should apologize so that I didn’t get shot in the face. So… I, um… This is what happened. So, like I said, I’m very limited on SNL. I don’t know, uh, i-if you’ve seen it. Probably haven’t, um, uh, but, yeah, it’s very minimal, the amount of stuff I get to do, right? So we were just sittin’ there, and we were like, “What the fuck could you do, dude? Uh… You know, like you’re part of the roast family, right? You do those roasts.” I was like, “Sure. That’s a thing. Roast family. Okay.” Um… They were like, “Yeah, why don’t you just do a roast of, like, politicians and stuff on Update or whatever?” And I was like, “Aw, sick. That’ll buy me another six episodes, right?” You know, I was like, “Fuck, yeah. All right, cool.” You know? So, uh, you know, i-it’s the same rules, uh, as 8 Mile with roasting, right? Y-You make fun of yourself, and then you make fun of everybody else, right? Uh, so I got this big sheet of paper with a bunch of faces, right? And I just started writing jokes, you know? This guy, that lady, this guy, that lady… And then this guy Dan Crenshaw pops up, right? And he has an eye patch, right? So already, I’m like, “This guy has a sense of humor.” Right? It’s, well– ‘Cause he has an eye patch, you know? If you lose your eye, there’s like three other things you could do before you go eye patch, right? I-I’m not being a dick, seriously. Y-You go glass eye, you go glass eye with the glasses over it, and then you go fuckin’ sunglasses, and then you get an eye patch, right? So I was like, “This guy is funny.” I was like, “This guy is self-aware.” I was like, “What a sport.” Right? So… um, I was like, “All right, let’s just write, like, a harmless, you know, joke or whatever, right?” And, uh, I was like, “Okay. This guy looks like a hit man in a porno.” Right? Very harmless Saturday Night Live joke, right, where you’re like, “Ha-ha-ha. Next stop, please.” Um, that was me in a cab. -Uh, and, the– That’s where it plays. Uh… we’ll cut that. Cut that right out. No problems at all. Cut it right out. Never happened. Right back to fucking. Right back to fucking. Never even happened. Um… Oh, I always wanted to do this. Congrats on fucking. Uh, thanks for unpausing and continuing to watch. – Sorry. I just… I’ve always wanted that to happen when I was watching a Netflix thing. Hey, man, how was it? Was it cool? Was it everything you hoped for? I hope so. Must have been good to pause it at the Crenshaw shit… …you motherfucker. Uh… We’re havin’ fun. No, sorry. – Okay. I don’t even… Fine. Um… So, you know, I wrote a little joke, like, uh, you know, um… You know, “He looks like a hit man in a porno.” Right? Wrote it. Didn’t even think about it, right? Uh, then all of a sudden, right before I’m about to go on the floor to do the fuckin’ Update, uh, one of my buddies who helped me write it goes, uh, “Hey, man. Uh, I just did some research.” And I was like, “You just did some research now?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” They wait till, like, the last minute over there. Um… And he’s like, “Yeah, that guy, Dan Crenshaw? I think he might have lost his eye in, like, a war or something like that.” I was like, “What?” They were like, “Pete, come to the floor.” I was like, “Fuck!” And he was like, “Dude, you’re gonna be great. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. It’s your face out there, not mine. It’s gonna go great.” So I go out there, and I try to be mindful, which is hard ’cause I’m always on mushrooms or, you know, stuff like that. So, like, being mindful is, like, fuckin’, ugh, top-of-the-list tough. Uh, you know? Not like being mindful, just, like, all-of-a-sudden mindful. Like, “Hey!” And you’re like, “Oh!” Thank you to the 12 people that understood that. Ee! What the fuck, joke? Like I said, they’re just givin’ ’em out to everybody on Netflix. Right here, sir. Yo, you fucked again? That’s awesome, dude. Thank you again for coming back. I appreciate it. Man, that must’ve been good, son. That’s what’s up. That’s what’s up. Seriously, though, during the Crenshaw shit? Come on, man. That’s fucking… I’m enjoying that with you ’cause it’s the first time I also heard it. Um… So, you know, I-I go on the floor, right? And my buddy told me he might’ve lost his eye in a war, so right now, I’m like, “Aw, fuck. I got to be mindful of that, right?” I got to apologize after the joke I say, right? Get– get ahead of it, right? So I-I slide out, right? And I do. I do apologize. I remember exactly how it went. I remember exactly what I said. I’ll never forget it. -Uh… I said, “Uh, Dan Crenshaw. He looks like a hit man in a porno, right?” Got that fucking mediocre, you know, laugh, right? And then right after, I go, “I’m sorry. I know he might’ve lost his eye in a war or whatever,” and I said “whatever,” and people were like, “You hate America!” I’m like, “No! I just didn’t want to be incorrect about how he lost his fuckin’ eye.” Is that a fucking crime? He could’ve lost his eye in war or whatever. I don’t know how he lost his eye. Could’ve been in Afghanistan, could’ve been making a sandwich. I have no fuckin’ idea. Sorry I don’t have fuckin’ Dan Crenshaw fuckin’ baseball cards with all of his stats and information. My bad. It’s an expression. I was trying to be mindful. You know? General Patton, right? General Patton, one of America’s greatest heroes. He died in Nazi Germany a week after the war in a car accident, right? But when we talk about the great General Patton, we say, “You know, he died in war or whatever,” you know? It’s just easier to say rather than, like, “Well, he won the war, and then made a bad turn, and…” Yeah. It’s an expression. Doesn’t mean I hate America. Okay? So, the only thing I-I-I-I don’t like is people, like, “It’s your fault that guy won,” and that’s not true. I think, like, most of the votes were in, and that guy is a Republican with an eye patch in Texas. Uh, so it was a lock before it even started. Yeah. I could’ve told you that. They just, in Texas, I’m pretty sure they just only have pictures. That’s how they vote. You know? So I-I did not make that guy win, okay? That is, you know, America’s fault. You know? As is this. Uh… Yeah. You know? I did not– I did not do anything for that guy. The only thing I did do, which I am guilty of, and I apologize for, is I did make that guy famous and a household name for no reason, right? I did what, like, Ariana Grande did for me, right? Yeah. Yes. “I sucked his dick at SNL.” Uh… I wasn’t gonna do jokes about this, but then my buddy told me, he’s like, “Yo, I’ve recently heard that Ariana said she had no idea who you were, and she just dated you as a distraction.” So now I just think it’s, like, fair game. Uh… So, yeah. Also, don’t applaud. This isn’t, like, a Drake vs. Lil Wayne concert. Like, this isn’t, like, a competition, you know? She has, you know, her songs and stuff, and this is what I have, okay? So… all right. That’s– that’s it, all right? Um, so… And you’re like, “Pete, this isn’t fair.” Like, “You’re airing out dirty laundry. How could you do that? Where did she say this stuff? To her friends in the confidence of her own home?” No, she said it on the cover of Vogue magazine. Can you imagine if I did that? Can you imagine if I did that? My career would be over tomorrow. If I spray-painted myself brown and hopped on the cover of Vogue magazine… -…and just started shitting on my ex. Can you imagine– No, don’t clap. Those are Drake vs. Lil Wayne claps. I don’t like that. I like the giggles. It’s just jokes. Can you imagine if I did that? If I was like, “Yeah, I was just fucking her ’cause I was bored, and then Fortnite came out.” It would be insane. And you’re like, “Pete, something had to happen to her, right? There had to be some repercussions, right?” No. She won Billboard’s Woman of the Year, and I got called “butthole eyes” by barstoolsports.com. So sometimes, life is a little unfair. Again, these are jokes. I-I don’t want any smoke, okay? From– My biggest fear is I’m gonna get a shot in the back of the head by, like, a nine-year-old with a ponytail. And the last thing I’m gonna hear is, “Hashtag canceled,” and then just pop, right in the back of the head. Again, I don’t want no smoke from the… from the nine-year-olds. Um… No, she’s a really powerful woman, that, uh, that– that, uh, Ariana. She’s a–she’s a very, very powerful woman, you know, a-and very smart. You know, you gotta be to be able to ruin Starbucks for a person. You know? I walked into Starbucks. I was like, “Can I have a medium coffee?” The guy was like… “Fuck you. I’m going to Dunkin’ Donuts. Why are they getting rid of them in the city? I can’t find one.” A lot of people ask me all the time, you know, like, “What was that like…” Well, it’s like any other breakup, you know, just except everybody sees it. Uh… – Oh! Yeah, it’s just– it’s, uh, like… I-I didn’t know what I was get– I kinda knew what I was getting into, but I didn’t know about the picture thing. If I knew about that, I would’ve seen a dermatologist before I started dating. I would’ve, like, taken proper precaution, but I didn’t really… It’s like any other breakup. You have your boys over. They all lie to you. You know? They’re like, “Dude, no problem, bro. Pfft. Nobody even knows who she is.” -Uh… “Oh, it’s all good, bro. It’s all good. Better off. No problem.” You know? And then that song came out, and my friends were like, “Bro, I love you. I love you, right? Shit is catchy. Shit is very catchy. You’re gonna have a rough eight months. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I actually happen to like the song. I’m sorry. I like you but…” My grandpa said, he goes, “It’s a slap. “Peter, Peter, it’s a slap. Uh, I’m really sorry. Uh… It’s a good song, and I don’t– I don’t even listen to that shit.” And I was like, “I get it!” Um… But yeah. Uh, this is the only thing I didn’t like that I got out of it, which every– is a common misconception. Uh, I don’t like that she talked all this shit on, like, behalf of my dick. I thought that was, like, super weird. She was like, “Yeah, it didn’t work out, but, like, nice dick.” I thought that was really weird ’cause everybody was like, “Aw, that’s– that’s– what a nice… what a nice, uh, girl.” First of all, let’s take a step back. Can you imagine if I said that shit? Can you imagine if I was like, “Sorry it didn’t work out. Nice pussy, though! That shit wet! Whoo! Good pussy, but sorry.” It’s ridiculous. I had to sit there like, “Ah.” Yeah. This is the only thing. It just– I didn’t like it because it’s just simply not true. Uh, yeah. Yeah. It’s just not– She has little, tiny, little hands. She has… just very little hands. Everything’s fucking huge to her. Yeah. It was a fucking joke the entire time we were together. I was like, “Huge to you, but small to everyone else. This rocks!” You know? So you ask yourself, you’re like, “Why? Then, why, if she knows this information, then why would she tell everybody what a great, big penis you have?” Right? Why would she do that? You know? ‘Cause to the outside, you’re like, “Wow. What a nice lady. Didn’t work out. Gave him a– Gave him a nice word.” You know? -“Told everybody he has a nice penis.” Right? That’s not why. She did that so that– Well, she’s a genius. Remember this. She’s a very smart person, okay? She did that so that every girl that sees my dick for the rest of my life is disappointed. – Aw! It’s genius! It’s a lifetime L. Hold that. I didn’t even get to enjoy my big dick summer, or whatever the fuck it was called. Please stop doing that. I have a family that reads. Stop. My poor mother. Anyway, uh, we’ll do some 9/11 jokes, and then we’ll get the fuck out of here. How does that sound? Cool. Yeah. Only time I’ll allow cheering for 9/11. My, uh, my– my dad, he– he died on 9/11. And I was told I had to explain that before I do these jokes, ’cause some people don’t know, to which I retorted, uh, that, uh, I don’t think I should say that ’cause it will just stop the show and make things awkward. I won. I was right. When your dad dies, and he works for, like, the state or the government or whatever… I don’t know. He was a fireman. Whatever that is, um… You, uh… Sometimes your family gets, like, a little bit of money. Not a lot of money. A little bit. So… Um, we got a little bit of money, and I remember my mom, you know, to make me and my sister feel better, uh, she wan-wanted to get us a pool with the money, right? Uh, she figured she’d get us a pool, and then, you know, like, people would want to be our friends, and they would come over and swim in it. You know, which is dark. Um… swim in the death pool. Uh… Yeah. Like, it’s a nice idea, but the sentiment, every cannon ball has a weird meaning behind it. Just doing laps every day like, “Is this even? Is this even?” No, uh… No, I remember my mom got us a pool, me and my sister, right? And, uh, kids– I was, like, seven when my dad died, so, like, kids don’t understand that shit. They don’t– They don’t know what’s going on, right? So I remember I got the pool, and kids at school would be like, “Yo. You’re so lucky, man. You’re rich. You have a pool.” You know? And I’d be like, “Yeah. Luckily, I have a pool -that I fill up with tears every summer. ‘Cause that’s how you know you’re rich, when you can swim in your own sadness. Thank God Osama bin Laden didn’t miss his alarm clock. You know why? I wouldn’t have a fucking pool! I’m sorry. Please come over later. I appreciate it.” We’re keeping that, Jason. I don’t care what you say. Anyway, so I did this, uh, thing about my dad over the summer. I had to, like, shoot this thing. So I had to, like, do, like, research on my dad kinda, and I had to, like, hang out with his friends, right? And I’m from Staten Island, my dad’s from Staten Island, so, you know, his friends are like me. They– they’re trash, right? Yeah. We’re garbage people. Literally. We have– we– we’re known, like, the thing– we’re known for having the world’s biggest garbage dump, uh, that you can see from space. That’s what the cab driver would say as you entered Staten Island. “I don’t know if you knew this, but this place has the biggest dump.” You know? As opposed to like, “Look at the tree!” Um… And you’re like, “Aw, well, what happened to the dump?” You know? “What’d they do?” Ah, well, they built a park over it. Uh, and you’re like, “Oh, that– You mean, they– they got rid of all the garbage?” No. They just fuckin’ built a fucking park over it. So, in ten years, when it starts fallin’ apart, kids are just getting stabbed by fuckin’ ’98 Hondas. Anyway, I’m trying to explain to you Staten Island people. It’s– that’s not a good exam– Oh, it’s kinda like— like, if you had a Marlboro Red, and you, like, threw it in the bathtub, and it, like, came to life. That’s… That’s… …that’s what a Staten Island guy is like, you know? Um… Anyway, so I had to go meet up with his friends, right? But, uh, all the stories I knew from my dad were from when I was seven, you know, so the stories that they were telling me were, like, way different… than what I had previously heard. Uh… Like, I don’t even know who this guy is. Uh, like, I’ll give you an example. When I was little, my dad’s friends would be like, “Your dad was the man, you know? We used to, like, play basketball and do our homework, you know? He always used to finish his plate. Always used to finish his plate! Finish it!” Why? I figured out… …there’s a reason why finishing your plate at seven was so difficult. It’s ’cause adults are saving us the same size portion as them, and we’re a third of their size. So when we get a third of the way through, we are full, and you yelling, “Eat it!” doesn’t help. It just makes everybody fat. You know what I mean? My mom used to be like, “There’s starving kids in Africa.” That was her go-to line to guilt me into anything. I’d be like, “Yeah, be that may, but if a kid in Africa got a third of the way through this, he’d be like, – ‘I am full.'” I like how half of you are like, “That’s funny,” and the other half are like, “I don’t know if you can do that, dude.” I guess we’ll check Twitter: the decider of all. Twitter’s the new pearly gates. They decide all people’s futures. Um, anyway, so I had to meet with my dad, uh, his friends, and I was like, “Tell me some stories about my dad,” and he was like, “Oh, we used to do coke all the time!” – And I was like, “What?” And he was like, “Oh, I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to tell you?” And I was like, “No, it’s cool. It’s just, I wasn’t expecting that. You know, growing up, I heard, like, you know, he always played basketball and did his homework and, like, finished his plate, you know? I guess the third one still applies kinda, but… yeah. -Um… I just wasn’t–” And he’s like, “I’m sorry. Should I like protect you? Am I, like, telling you too much stuff?” I was like, “No, it’s just, like I said, I grew up thinking, like, you know, I always knew my dad was a hero, but, like, I didn’t know he was a fuckin’ superhero. I didn’t know he was the coolest guy ever.” What a man of the ’90s, just doing blow and putting out fires. What a legend. Never been prouder. God, did that make me smile. How awesome is that? Can you picture that? Your house is on fire. A fire truck pulls up. One guy gets out, and he’s like, “All right. I’m gonna get the hydrant.” Another guy gets out. He’s like, “I’m gonna secure the area,” and then my dad gets out, like, “Let’s fuckin’ go! Whoo! No helmet!” Thank you, guys. Have a good night. I appreciate it. Thanks for comin’. Thank you. ♪ Never need a bitch I’m what a bitch need ♪
♪ Tryna find the one that can fix me ♪
♪ I’ve been dodging death In the six-speed ♪
♪ Amphetamine Got my stummy feeling sickly ♪
♪ Yeah, I want it all now ♪
♪ I’ve been running through the pussy Need a dog pound ♪
♪ Hundred models getting faded In the compound ♪
♪ Tryin’ to love me But they never get a pulse down ♪
♪ Why? ♪
♪ ‘Cause I’m heartless ♪
♪ And I’m back to my ways ‘Cause I’m heartless ♪
♪ All this money And this fame got me heartless ♪
♪ Lowlife for life ’cause I’m heartless ♪
♪ Said I’m heartless ♪
♪ Tryna be a better man But I’m heartless ♪
♪ Never be a wedding plan For the heartless ♪
♪ Lowlife for life ’cause I’m heartless ♪ I’ll tell you, the show’s over, but this is a story I would like to tell people. Uh, yeah. This is a story I wanna tell people. So, this is, um, the only other story I’ve heard about my dad, okay? Um, so… …I hang out with this dude, uh, and I was like, “Tell me stories about my dad.” He told me he did coke, and I was like, “Do you have any other stories?” He’s like, “I got one more.” I was like, “Okay. All right.” He goes, “So, one time…” He goes– This is how he talks. I don’t want you to think, like, I created this guy. That would be embarrassing. Uh, but this is how the guy talks. He’s like, “So, one time, me and your dad went to the Poconos for a wedding,” right? Now, Poconos is like white-trash Bahamas. -It’s, like… …it’s like where you go to try and, like, fix your marriage and, like, fuck in a heart-shaped tub, and you put a quarter in the bed, and it, like, shakes. And you’re like, “It shakes like our life!” So… he’s like, “We’re out there in the Poconos, right? So, we’re at– we’re at a wedding, right? Uh, so I’m at the wedding, and, you know, we’re having a good time. We’re fuckin’ dancing. Getting real fucked up, right? We’re getting fucked up.” I was like, “Cool, dude.” From ’87. “Getting fucked up.” Still proud of it. Uh… Uh, and he goes, uh, “So, you know, me and your dad, we’re at this wedding. We’re sharing a room, right? We’re sharing a room up in the Poconos, so I’m with this girl, and I’m tryin’ to go fuck her, right? Right?” Like, he always said “right,” like I was gonna be, like, “No. That is not… that is not how the story happened.” I’ve never heard this before. Yes. He’s like, “So I’m tryin’ to fuck her, right? So I look for your dad. I look all over the wedding. I’m like, ‘Where are you, Scott?'” That’s what he said. “I was like, ‘Where are you? I don’t see you.'” -Uh… He acted it out for me. Uh… And he was like, “So I just thought, you know, maybe he was fuckin’ someone, right? So I go back to the hotel room, right? Your father, nowhere to be found, right? So I’m with this girl, right? And we just start fucking banging, right? And it’s fucking sick, right? I’m fuckin’ doing her every which way, you know? I had her up here. She’s coming over there, and then we went in the bathroom.” I was like, “Yo. When does my dad come in? ‘Cause this just sounds like an oddly specific fuck story that you remember from ’87.” He goes, “Hold on. He’s coming. I just want you to know I’m not a pussy.” And I was like, “I know you’re not a pussy.” Uh, he goes, “So, we’re– we’re fuckin’, right?” Uh, and he goes, “You know, she comes. I come, you know. Her first, obviously, you know? Uh… and then we’re done, right? And we’re just, like, layin’ in it, and, uh… …all of a sudden, I see across the room, I see a cigarette cherry glowing in the dark. I turn on the lights. It’s your dad! And I go, ‘Scott! I’ve been looking for you.’ And he goes, ‘Hey, guys. Thanks for the free show.'” And he goes, “Now, that’s your dad.” And I was… And he’s like, “Isn’t that a great story?” I was like, “No! You’re not telling people that, are you? It’s a horrible story. Is this girl alive? I have to, like, find her and, like, pay her off now. What the fuck is this information?” Anyway, thank you guys for comin’ out. Have a good night. Thanks. ♪ I fuck up and lose control ♪
♪ Burned so many bridges Got nowhere to go ♪
♪ Bitches got these motives Like Anna Nicole ♪
♪ I’m smokin’ cigarettes alone Until it burn a hole ♪
♪ In my lungs, in my soul In my denim coat ♪
♪ Same place I’mma keep that knife If I’mma slit my throat ♪
♪ This shit ugly I was just with Nipsey, now he ghost ♪
♪ They even got my homie Pete out here Like, fuck the jokes ♪ | So, Louis C.K. tried to get me fired from SNL my first year, and this is that story. So, it’s, like, 2014 or ’15, uh, and it’s the finale of SNL, and I-I was so shocked and happy that I didn’t get fired, and this is a feeling that I get to relive every week. -I get… Just, it– it’s really awesome. I can’t– I still can’t believe it. It’s very funny. Um, so, I was just celebrating, you know? Louis C.K. was hosting, and at the time, Louis C.K. was, like, a very well-respected comedian. Like, at the time. Like, yeah. At the time, he was someone that you would look up to and want approval of, at the time. At the time, it was someone you wanted to be nice to you. Um, anyway, so he was hosting, and I-I was just thrilled, so, uh, I smoked a joint, uh, in my dressing room, and as I was leaving to go into the elevators, um… Louis C.K. was, like, holding court and talking to, like, a bunch of the cast and writers and, like, cool people, and, like, they were, like, clearly very into a conversation, so I was just, like, “I don’t want any part of that.” Like, you know, I’m high. I don’t wanna, like, ruin it for anybody. Or, like, I don’t want that guy to know I exist, you know? So I just put my hoodie on, and I closed it really tight, and I walked all the way around to the other side of the elevators so I could not, you know, be in the way at all, and, uh, so I press the button, and I’m just waitin’ there, and then all of a sudden, Louis C.K. stops his conversation. He looks up and points at me and goes, “Look how fuckin’ high Pete is, that fuckin’ idiot! Just getting fuckin’ high at work, you stupid fuck. You’re gonna smoke your career away, idiot.” – Oh, my God. And I was, like, so high, I was like, “That didn’t happen.” -I was like, “No, no. No. Nah.” This is a me issue, for sure. He probably said, “See you tomorrow, champ.” -You know, I probably… So I go to work the next day, and I get a phone call from Lorne Michaels’ office. Uh, this was alarming because I’ve been there for a year, and I have yet to hear from his office until today. So I was like, “Oh, shit.” You know? So I answered the phone, and they’re like, “Hey, Louis just left Lorne’s office. He went in there to talk about you, and now Lorne wants to– you– to talk to you now,” and I was like, “Oh, fuck. All right.” You know, ’cause I was like, “Now I’m gettin’ fired.” Like, this is what I thought, so I was just trying to hype myself up. It’s like I was just like, you know, uh, “Fuck them. They’re the ones who look stupid anyway. They hired and fired you. They’re wrong twice.” -You know? Fuckin’… yeah. I was like, “You could creep into the back and wild out, and nobody would fuckin’ notice. -Who gives a shit, right?” Um… So… I was walking, uh, into his office, just trying to feel better and whatever, and I open the door, and Lorne’s sitting there, right? And he, uh, looks really confused, uh, as do I ’cause, you know, that’s just, like, how I look, you know? I look like, you know, you just asked me to, like, divide. – Uh… I don’t know. Um… anyway, so he looks very confused, and he’s like, “Sit down.” So I do, and he goes, “So… uh… um, Louis, uh, came in and told me that, uh, you smoke weed.” Uh, and I was like, “Uh, yes. Uh… the rumors that you have heard ring true.” And then I saw, with his eyes, he kinda looked deflated, like he didn’t know what to say, you know? ‘Cause with his eyes, he’s like, “I’m sorry we’re having this conversation, but, like, Louis told on you, and he told me to talk to you, and, personally, I don’t think this is a big deal ’cause people used to do coke here, and I think you’re a pussy, actually. I’m really sorry we’re having this conversation.” You know, and I read that with his eyes, and with my eyes, I said, “No doubt, homie.” So… You know, it was just, like, awkward for another second, and it was quiet, and then he goes, “Yeah, so I guess, uh, you know, what you could do is, I guess, you know, ’cause I– he said you smoke a lot of weed, so maybe you could just, like, watch, uh, the amount of weed that you smoke.” And I was like, “All right, I’ll watch.” I was like, “I’ll never leave it out of my sight.” I was like, “No problem. I’m a man of my word.” And I was like… Uh, he goes, “Yeah.” He goes, “Um, again, I’m sorry to have this conversation with you, but Louis brought it to my attention and said, you know, you’re smokin’, uh, your career away, and you smoked so much weed in the office the other day that it actually made him uncomfortable.” And I was like, “Oh, shit. Like, really?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” And I was like, “Oh, so, like, am I fired?” And he was like, “No.” And I was like, “Why?” And he was like, “I don’t know.” -Uh… Which, again, is a conversation we have yearly, on a yearly basis. “Is this the year?” “I don’t know. Not yet. I don’t know. We’ll figure– We’ll figure it out. I don’t know.” And that fucking killed me, you know? Like, I had to leave that office, like, with that. You know, just like, Louis C.K. doesn’t like you, you know? One of the best comedians arguably ever, you know, and especially at the time, like, one of… It just killed me, you know, ’cause, like, why am I even doing stand-up if this guy doesn’t like me, you know? That’s somebody’s approval you want, and I was like, “This guy fucking doesn’t like me ’cause I smoke weed?” That– that sucks, you know? And I had to, like, sit with that for, like, five years, you know? -And then, one glorious morning… …I woke up, and I read: “Louis C.K. jerks off in front of women.” And I went, “Yes!” I’m… You know what I mean. Like, I didn’t want it to happen, but if it was gonna happen to anybody, I’m glad it was him. You know, does that make sense? Okay. Nah, it’s just… Let me just tell you how crazy it is to jerk off alone, okay? Um… Yeah, just, you know, be in the room with me, you know? -Is it okay? – Yeah. -Um… So… just, you know, jerking off alone is fuckin’ weird. You ever, like, jerk off, and it– it’s taking a long time, and you can’t even make yourself come, and you’re like, “You’re a fuckin’ loser. Like, you can’t… can’t even do yourself. Oof. What makes you think anybody else would wanna do you?” You know? There’s that old tale, you catch yourself in the mirror? That’s happened to me, actually, ’cause I’m stupid. Not any– never again ’cause now I jerk off in the pitch-black. Yeah, I do. Phone facedown, you know, ’cause you could get a text, and it could reflect off the mirror, and then you can catch yourself in the corner jerking off. Mom text at the top. You ever try to jerk off after getting a mom text? It’s– it’s damn near impossible. I didn’t say “impossible,” but it is damn near, for sure. It is one of the harder things I’ve had to do. But, no, it just– it bummed me out, like, hearin’ all this shit ’cause, like, I just felt bad for all those women that he jerked off in front of. It’s just really sad, you know, ’cause it really affected them, and, like, if they only knew that, like, you know, when Louis, like, whipped out his dick and started jerkin’ it, if they just, like, lit up a blunt, he would’ve been like, “Oh, fuck, is that weed? Holy shit, you fuckin’ animals. I’m telling. You pieces of shit. Oh, fuck. You’re gonna smoke away your career.” My friend, uh, that I financially support, uh, had a kid, so, uh, I’m a dad. Yeah, I wasn’t exactly ready for it. Uh… He gave me a call. He was all excited. He was like, “Yo, bro. I got great news.” I was like, “You got a job?” And he was like, “No, bro. I had a kid.” And I was like, “Wow, that’s, like, the exact opposite of a job.” I can’t wait to have a kid. I’m very excited. I don’t think it’s very hard at all. No, ’cause all my friends are havin’ ’em, and their complaints, uh, they don’t, uh, bother me very much. All their complaints are the same. They’re like, “Bro, it cries!” And I’m like, “Oh, man, go in the other room.” Yeah, everything cries. You know? You try to make it stop, and then you leave. I cry all the time. Eventually, my friends are like, “Yo, dude, I gotta go to work. I don’t know. Fuckin’ figure it out. Get offline.” So that, they say it cries, uh, and the other complaint is, they’re like, “Yo, it, like, shits all the time.” And that doesn’t really bother me either, because, like, you know, so do I. You know, so I don’t mind cleaning it up at, like, a smaller scale, you know? Plus, when you clean kids, sometimes you see spots that, like, you might have missed on yourself, you know? Yeah. You know? You’re like, “Wow, I’ve never seen my asshole from this angle before.” You’re like, “I will dab that corner when I hop out the shower.” You hop out the shower, you’re like, -“Son of a bitch.” I love babysitting… uh, ’cause I microdose mushrooms, so I speak baby. -Uh… Yeah, I love it. They’re talking, you know? Uh, the other day, my, uh, my nephew was like, “Bleh,” and I was like, “Forensic Files. Got it.” So, I was… Mushrooms are great. Mushrooms are like… are kinda like being on a roller coaster when you’re, like, going up, but, like, you just never go down. It’s just the way up, you know, where you’re like, “This is sick! This is awesome! I can’t believe we’re doin’ this! Oh, my God!” for like four hours. Something weird, uh, happened when I was babysitting, uh, the other day. Uh, my friend, uh, his son i-is still teething, right? And, uh, so, like, we were watchin’ Forensic Files, and I was just sittin’ there, and, uh, h-he’s teething, so he just, like, grabbed my hand and started, like, sucking my fingers, but, like, good. –Like… Like, I definitely left it in there for a second. I was like, “No! Wow, but no!” I know that joke splits the room. -Uh… I’m aware. It’s not the first time I’ve done this. Uh… I know it’s weird to tell jokes like that, but this is a joke, you know. This is a comedy club. You know, it would be weird if this was, like, a town hall meeting, and I, like, grab the mic, and I was like, “Hey, guys, here are some ideas I have.” “All right, I’ll be in the lot with buttons.” Um… I think girls should tell guys how to make them come. Uh… Like, the first time you have sex. Before, like, have a debriefing, you know? You know, ’cause apparently every girl is different is, uh, you know, what I’m telling myself. Everyone is different, and I think one of them is just dead inside. -Um… Yeah, I think– I’m like, “No, I think you’re just broken.” -Uh… No, no, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I don’t know. Sometimes, you just say giggly things. Um, no, but yeah, girls should tell guys, uh, how to make them come. Not when they’re comfortable, you know. I know you don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings, but it won’t. Uh, it doesn’t. You know, you could be– we could be mid-, you know, fuck, and you could be like, “I hate this,” and we’ll be like, “Oh, how’s this? Good? Okay, forgotten.” You know? Didn’t even happen. You know? You should just tell the guy, you know? Like, I guess guy stuff is very self-explanatory, right? You just, like, yank it, and shit flies out, right? It’s really easy. Like, my son could do it, and, uh… -Aw. But yeah, apparently, you know, it’s not very hard to make girls come. You know, like, if you’re sweating and out of breath, I’m told you have done it wrong. But, you know, all I know is from, like, porn because I grew up with just, like, a mom and a sister, right? So, like, we never had that talk, you know? I just never had that dinner where I felt comfortable to be like, you know, “Yo, guys. If I wasn’t your son or brother, uh…” You know, so, uh, everything I knew, uh, was from porn, which is, like, a lot of movement and, like, screaming and, uh… You know, sometimes you just take it out and do a couple push-ups, you know, and then go right… Um, sorry. You know, so I-I didn’t really– I didn’t really know, but, like, luckily, uh, one, uh, lady told me. Apparently, there’s just, like… there’s this little… uh, this little thing in the vagina. It’s, like, a little circle thing. I-It kinda… You know boxing? It kinda looks like the thing that’s like this. The, like, speed bag thing. The thing that guys go slow or quite fast on. And apparently, the vagina is, uh, quite the same. You know? You know, you just kinda just tap that little thing very, very lightly… uh, or– or floor it, uh, apparently. Those are the two options. Yeah. Don’t even have to change your outfit. Uh… But, yeah, you should just tell the guy, you know? Like I said, guy stuff is very self-explanatory, but if someone ever pulled my pants down and just started, like, punching my dick, I wouldn’t be like, “Aw, fuck! I hope she figures it out. -Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! This is war.” I would be like, “Who sent you? What is this? Is this… Is this an assassination attempt?” Like, here’s something, uh, that no guy likes, but we’re, like, afraid, uh, to tell, uh, the girl, you know, because, uh, we’re, like, so close to… b-banging… There’s not many words, uh, t-to say what that is, so “banging” is, you know, the most appropriate… for… And this is gonna be on Nickelodeon. -Yeah. You know. Yeah, that’s why I wore a suit, you know. ‘Cause usually, I don’t. I always just usually dress like I’m ready to be slimed. -Uh, but… But I found a nice lady suit at the Banana Republic, and I’m fucking crushing it right now. I look like a divorced wife who just, like, got it together. “Don’t come back. I have a repertoire now.” Um… But, yeah, here’s something that– that no– no guy likes, uh, at all. Uh, you know when, like, a girl’s on top, right? Before they, like, shove the dick in them? Again, I know that’s not the best way to say it, but believe it or not, I’ve tried five other ways, and “shove the dick in them” won by, like, a landslide. -I-It… So just imagine how horrible the other four were, right? -Suddenly it’s better. Um… So, yeah, you know when they’re on top, and they’re about to slam it up there? -Uh… See? Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I was sayin’. So you know when you’re on top, and you’re about to shove the dick in ya? Uh… Some– Some girls, most, uh, usually they just start sliding, uh, o-on top of the dicks before they put it up there. They’re just like, “Yeah. Yeah, do you like this?” No, we don’t. Fuckin’ hurts, a lot. Stop doing that, every girl ever, please. Please. Just put it in there. Please. It hurts so fucking bad. It hurts, you know, ’cause you shave or you don’t, either way, you’re all prickly down there, right? And then you just start, like, rubbing that against our bare little dicks. That shit hurts. You’re like, “Ooh, you like that?” We’re like, “No. Have you ever gotten an Indian burn? ‘Cause that’s what it feels like. Feels like you’re my mom’s weird friend that would do that -when she wasn’t around.” Yeah, everybody remembers that weird friend, right? Everybody’d go upstairs, and he’d be like, “Hey, kid. You ever get an Indian burn?” And you’d be like, “No,” and at first, you’d be like, “Cool!” And then you’re like, “Hey, stop, mister!” Yeah. No– no– no guy likes that, okay? It feels very bad. Feels like sandpaper. I guess girls can’t tell, because, like, the enjoyment and the pain face are pretty much the same during fucking. They’re both like, “Ah.” You know, so, like, I guess… But it– it– it really hurts, a lot. You know, and then… and then all of a sudden, uh, your dick gets, like, all chapped and, like, ripped apart, and– and then the next day, you wake up and you’re like, “What the fuck is this?” You’re like, “What– what is this? Did I get some new STD that a-arrives within 24 hours? This is crazy.” And then I go to the doctor, and I’m like, “Hey, man, what is this?” And he’s like, “You need to learn how to fuck,” and I’m like, “What? What is this?” Doctors in Staten Island are– are a lot different. I don’t know. I, um… I have a– I have a lot of gay friends. Uh… I like, um, my gay friends ’cause I don’t think there’s, like, a more honest relationship between, like, a gay dude and a straight dude, ’cause there’s just, like, nothing to gain, you know? So it’s just pure honesty, and– and gay dudes are the most honest people in the world, -also mean, but… Just honest, we could say, but it’s really mean. -Um, like, I’ll give you an example. Like, I left my mom’s house the– Well, it’s my house too. Uh, fuck you. I don’t gotta explain myself, okay? I’m very, uh, comfortable with my situation. No, yeah. I love livin’ with my mom, uh, you know? ‘Cause, uh, I have my– I live in the basement. – It’s an apartment… um… …and then there’s a– well, there’s the u-upper floor, which we call the common area… ’cause we’re roommates. I got– I got my own entrance downstairs, says: “Pete’s… Entrance.” -It does. Yeah, it does. Yeah. It’s fuckin’ cool. Endless amount of Gushers. Uh-uh, you’re laughing, but only the– only the cool cats are allowed down there. I gotta tell ya. Mom has to knock. -Yeah, there’s no… She doesn’t barge in there, ever. Always knock. Anyway, yeah. Also, every girl I date has, like, a whole batch of gay friends, right? But there’s always one gay friend that I don’t think is fuckin’ gay at all. Yeah. Girls laugh. Every guy’s like, “Yeah, Kyle. Fuck that guy. Fuckin’ hate that guy. Can’t say anything, but I want to.” If you’re confused, it’s the guy that, like… uh, y-your boyfriend will come up to you and be like, “Hey, what’s up with, uh… What’s up with Kyle? You know, that guy, you know, always hanging around.” Your girlfriend’ll have the same response always, “Who, him? Kyle?” And you’re like, “Yeah, what’s up? What’s up with that boy? You know, what’s going on?” And then your girlfriend will be like, “Aw, please. He’s gay.” You know? And you’ll be like, “Well, is that, like, confirmed? Is it, like— is it out on the streets? Do the streets know that he’s gay?” Uh, and then your girl will say the same thing, “No, but, like, everybody knows.” And you’re like, “Mm, not this fuckin’ guy, okay? I don’t know that. Nope. I’m onto you, Kyle. Okay?” The sleepovers, you know? If you hate pussy so much, why are you cuddling it? Very weird. You know? You’ll never find me, like, cuddling a package of parking tickets or something like that, you know? Different things, yes, but good enough for me. You know, I-I-I don’t get it. You know, uh, there’s this– this certain type of gay dude, uh, I call them the fondlers… uh… because there’s– right now, there’s no rule for gay dudes. They can pretty much do whatever they want. Uh, it’s pretty fuckin’ crazy. Uh… You know, and a-all power to you, but, like, there’s a lot of power. -Uh… There is! You know, gay dudes, like, there’s the fondlers, right? It’s that gay dude that’ll, like, run up on your girlfriend and, like, squeeze her boobs and, like, slap her ass and be like, “Damn, girl, you look great!” I don’t find that fuckin’ funny, like, at all. I’m sorry. Like, I’m all for the gayness, you know. It doesn’t mean I’m against gayness. It’s just, like, you know how hard I work to fucking slap titties and… You know? You know how many fuckin’ birthdays I’ve missed? You know, friends I’ve lost? Christmases spent in Ohio… …and you just get to slap ass on a technicality? That’s not fuckin’ fair at all. Yeah, right in front of you. Walk up, slap the ass, giggle. You know, just ’cause he could, you know? I would never do that just ’cause I could, you know? I wouldn’t, like, walk up to his boyfriend and, like, tug his dick and be like, “Nice, Gary. Not for me, but cool!” Why? What? I’m straight. What? You know, there’s certain rules for certain people, and I don’t understand, you know? Uh, it just doesn’t make sense to me, you know? But I-I can’t fight it, ’cause I’ve already played the fight out in my head, and I’m sure many of you guys have, uh, where, like, it just– it never works. I always lose, you know? Uh, I go up to him, a-and he, you know, he, you know, slaps her ass, uh, you know, grabs her boobs, and does a little giggle dance, and then I go, “Hey– hey, Kyle. What the fuck?” And then Kyle decides to come out that day and goes, uh, “Oh, uh, I’m gay.” A-And then it’s over. He won. That’s it. That’s the entire fight. You know, you might as well be like, “Sorry, as you were.” Tap it or floor it, I’ve been told. It’s just weird ’cause it only works… uh, it only works gay dude, uh, straight girl. It doesn’t work any other way, right? Like, it doesn’t work, like, straight dude, gay girl, right? Like, I can’t walk up to a lesbian and, like, grab her boobs and be like, “It’s okay. We both hate this.” Um… I get in trouble a lot. Uh, like, well, I got pulled over today on the way here. Uh, and does anybody, when they get pulled over, put on, like, Billy Joel? ‘Cause you think the officer’s gonna come up, “License and reg– Billy Joel! Get the fuck out of here, dude! You’re not a piece of shit. I thought you’d be listenin’ to 2 Chainz or something. All right.” Oh, man. It’s even more awkward when it doesn’t work. Then you’re just sitting there, and he’s like, “License and registra– -Can you turn off Bill Withers?” But, uh, I get in a– I get in a lot of trouble. I got in trouble last year ’cause I-I was makin’, uh, makin’ some jokes, and, uh, I got in trouble, uh, ’cause I made fun of this gentleman with an eye patch that’s in politics. His name is Dan Crenshaw. Uh… I was– I didn’t think I did anything wrong. It was, like, words that were twisted so that a guy could, you know, do– be famous, but, uh, yeah, I don’t… I-It… This is pretty much what it is. I-I would like… ‘Cause I don’t have, like, Twitter, so I can’t, like, explain myself every time something bad happens. I was like, “I guess I’ll just shoot a special and tell everybody. Yeah, since I’m not allowed on the Internet.” Uh… Yeah. I’m pretty sure if I go on the Internet, I’d, like, go to jail or something. – Um… So, I made fun of this guy, uh, with an eye patch, uh, and then, like, I kinda got forced to apologize ’cause, like, people were, like, threatening to, like, shoot me in the face, and unfortunately, you know, I didn’t pick up that call. -My roommate did, so… …she wasn’t fuckin’ cool with that… and my roommate thought that I should apologize so that I didn’t get shot in the face. So… I, um… This is what happened. So, like I said, I’m very limited on SNL. I don’t know, uh, i-if you’ve seen it. Probably haven’t, um, uh, but, yeah, it’s very minimal, the amount of stuff I get to do, right? So we were just sittin’ there, and we were like, “What the fuck could you do, dude? Uh… You know, like you’re part of the roast family, right? You do those roasts.” I was like, “Sure. That’s a thing. Roast family. Okay.” Um… They were like, “Yeah, why don’t you just do a roast of, like, politicians and stuff on Update or whatever?” And I was like, “Aw, sick. That’ll buy me another six episodes, right?” You know, I was like, “Fuck, yeah. All right, cool.” You know? So, uh, you know, i-it’s the same rules, uh, as 8 Mile with roasting, right? Y-You make fun of yourself, and then you make fun of everybody else, right? Uh, so I got this big sheet of paper with a bunch of faces, right? And I just started writing jokes, you know? This guy, that lady, this guy, that lady… And then this guy Dan Crenshaw pops up, right? And he has an eye patch, right? So already, I’m like, “This guy has a sense of humor.” Right? It’s, well– ‘Cause he has an eye patch, you know? If you lose your eye, there’s like three other things you could do before you go eye patch, right? I-I’m not being a dick, seriously. Y-You go glass eye, you go glass eye with the glasses over it, and then you go fuckin’ sunglasses, and then you get an eye patch, right? So I was like, “This guy is funny.” I was like, “This guy is self-aware.” I was like, “What a sport.” Right? So… um, I was like, “All right, let’s just write, like, a harmless, you know, joke or whatever, right?” And, uh, I was like, “Okay. This guy looks like a hit man in a porno.” Right? Very harmless Saturday Night Live joke, right, where you’re like, “Ha-ha-ha. Next stop, please.” Um, that was me in a cab. -Uh, and, the– That’s where it plays. Uh… we’ll cut that. Cut that right out. No problems at all. Cut it right out. Never happened. Right back to fucking. Right back to fucking. Never even happened. Um… Oh, I always wanted to do this. Congrats on fucking. Uh, thanks for unpausing and continuing to watch. – Sorry. I just… I’ve always wanted that to happen when I was watching a Netflix thing. Hey, man, how was it? Was it cool? Was it everything you hoped for? I hope so. Must have been good to pause it at the Crenshaw shit… …you motherfucker. Uh… We’re havin’ fun. No, sorry. – Okay. I don’t even… Fine. Um… So, you know, I wrote a little joke, like, uh, you know, um… You know, “He looks like a hit man in a porno.” Right? Wrote it. Didn’t even think about it, right? Uh, then all of a sudden, right before I’m about to go on the floor to do the fuckin’ Update, uh, one of my buddies who helped me write it goes, uh, “Hey, man. Uh, I just did some research.” And I was like, “You just did some research now?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” They wait till, like, the last minute over there. Um… And he’s like, “Yeah, that guy, Dan Crenshaw? I think he might have lost his eye in, like, a war or something like that.” I was like, “What?” They were like, “Pete, come to the floor.” I was like, “Fuck!” And he was like, “Dude, you’re gonna be great. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. It’s your face out there, not mine. It’s gonna go great.” So I go out there, and I try to be mindful, which is hard ’cause I’m always on mushrooms or, you know, stuff like that. So, like, being mindful is, like, fuckin’, ugh, top-of-the-list tough. Uh, you know? Not like being mindful, just, like, all-of-a-sudden mindful. Like, “Hey!” And you’re like, “Oh!” Thank you to the 12 people that understood that. Ee! What the fuck, joke? Like I said, they’re just givin’ ’em out to everybody on Netflix. Right here, sir. Yo, you fucked again? That’s awesome, dude. Thank you again for coming back. I appreciate it. Man, that must’ve been good, son. That’s what’s up. That’s what’s up. Seriously, though, during the Crenshaw shit? Come on, man. That’s fucking… I’m enjoying that with you ’cause it’s the first time I also heard it. Um… So, you know, I-I go on the floor, right? And my buddy told me he might’ve lost his eye in a war, so right now, I’m like, “Aw, fuck. I got to be mindful of that, right?” I got to apologize after the joke I say, right? Get– get ahead of it, right? So I-I slide out, right? And I do. I do apologize. I remember exactly how it went. I remember exactly what I said. I’ll never forget it. -Uh… I said, “Uh, Dan Crenshaw. He looks like a hit man in a porno, right?” Got that fucking mediocre, you know, laugh, right? And then right after, I go, “I’m sorry. I know he might’ve lost his eye in a war or whatever,” and I said “whatever,” and people were like, “You hate America!” I’m like, “No! I just didn’t want to be incorrect about how he lost his fuckin’ eye.” Is that a fucking crime? He could’ve lost his eye in war or whatever. I don’t know how he lost his eye. Could’ve been in Afghanistan, could’ve been making a sandwich. I have no fuckin’ idea. Sorry I don’t have fuckin’ Dan Crenshaw fuckin’ baseball cards with all of his stats and information. My bad. It’s an expression. I was trying to be mindful. You know? General Patton, right? General Patton, one of America’s greatest heroes. He died in Nazi Germany a week after the war in a car accident, right? But when we talk about the great General Patton, we say, “You know, he died in war or whatever,” you know? It’s just easier to say rather than, like, “Well, he won the war, and then made a bad turn, and…” Yeah. It’s an expression. Doesn’t mean I hate America. Okay? So, the only thing I-I-I-I don’t like is people, like, “It’s your fault that guy won,” and that’s not true. I think, like, most of the votes were in, and that guy is a Republican with an eye patch in Texas. Uh, so it was a lock before it even started. Yeah. I could’ve told you that. They just, in Texas, I’m pretty sure they just only have pictures. That’s how they vote. You know? So I-I did not make that guy win, okay? That is, you know, America’s fault. You know? As is this. Uh… Yeah. You know? I did not– I did not do anything for that guy. The only thing I did do, which I am guilty of, and I apologize for, is I did make that guy famous and a household name for no reason, right? I did what, like, Ariana Grande did for me, right? Yeah. Yes. “I sucked his dick at SNL.” Uh… I wasn’t gonna do jokes about this, but then my buddy told me, he’s like, “Yo, I’ve recently heard that Ariana said she had no idea who you were, and she just dated you as a distraction.” So now I just think it’s, like, fair game. Uh… So, yeah. Also, don’t applaud. This isn’t, like, a Drake vs. Lil Wayne concert. Like, this isn’t, like, a competition, you know? She has, you know, her songs and stuff, and this is what I have, okay? So… all right. That’s– that’s it, all right? Um, so… And you’re like, “Pete, this isn’t fair.” Like, “You’re airing out dirty laundry. How could you do that? Where did she say this stuff? To her friends in the confidence of her own home?” No, she said it on the cover of Vogue magazine. Can you imagine if I did that? Can you imagine if I did that? My career would be over tomorrow. If I spray-painted myself brown and hopped on the cover of Vogue magazine… -…and just started shitting on my ex. Can you imagine– No, don’t clap. Those are Drake vs. Lil Wayne claps. I don’t like that. I like the giggles. It’s just jokes. Can you imagine if I did that? If I was like, “Yeah, I was just fucking her ’cause I was bored, and then Fortnite came out.” It would be insane. And you’re like, “Pete, something had to happen to her, right? There had to be some repercussions, right?” No. She won Billboard’s Woman of the Year, and I got called “butthole eyes” by barstoolsports.com. So sometimes, life is a little unfair. Again, these are jokes. I-I don’t want any smoke, okay? From– My biggest fear is I’m gonna get a shot in the back of the head by, like, a nine-year-old with a ponytail. And the last thing I’m gonna hear is, “Hashtag canceled,” and then just pop, right in the back of the head. Again, I don’t want no smoke from the… from the nine-year-olds. Um… No, she’s a really powerful woman, that, uh, that– that, uh, Ariana. She’s a–she’s a very, very powerful woman, you know, a-and very smart. You know, you gotta be to be able to ruin Starbucks for a person. You know? I walked into Starbucks. I was like, “Can I have a medium coffee?” The guy was like… “Fuck you. I’m going to Dunkin’ Donuts. Why are they getting rid of them in the city? I can’t find one.” A lot of people ask me all the time, you know, like, “What was that like…” Well, it’s like any other breakup, you know, just except everybody sees it. Uh… – Oh! Yeah, it’s just– it’s, uh, like… I-I didn’t know what I was get– I kinda knew what I was getting into, but I didn’t know about the picture thing. If I knew about that, I would’ve seen a dermatologist before I started dating. I would’ve, like, taken proper precaution, but I didn’t really… It’s like any other breakup. You have your boys over. They all lie to you. You know? They’re like, “Dude, no problem, bro. Pfft. Nobody even knows who she is.” -Uh… “Oh, it’s all good, bro. It’s all good. Better off. No problem.” You know? And then that song came out, and my friends were like, “Bro, I love you. I love you, right? Shit is catchy. Shit is very catchy. You’re gonna have a rough eight months. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I actually happen to like the song. I’m sorry. I like you but…” My grandpa said, he goes, “It’s a slap. “Peter, Peter, it’s a slap. Uh, I’m really sorry. Uh… It’s a good song, and I don’t– I don’t even listen to that shit.” And I was like, “I get it!” Um… But yeah. Uh, this is the only thing I didn’t like that I got out of it, which every– is a common misconception. Uh, I don’t like that she talked all this shit on, like, behalf of my dick. I thought that was, like, super weird. She was like, “Yeah, it didn’t work out, but, like, nice dick.” I thought that was really weird ’cause everybody was like, “Aw, that’s– that’s– what a nice… what a nice, uh, girl.” First of all, let’s take a step back. Can you imagine if I said that shit? Can you imagine if I was like, “Sorry it didn’t work out. Nice pussy, though! That shit wet! Whoo! Good pussy, but sorry.” It’s ridiculous. I had to sit there like, “Ah.” Yeah. This is the only thing. It just– I didn’t like it because it’s just simply not true. Uh, yeah. Yeah. It’s just not– She has little, tiny, little hands. She has… just very little hands. Everything’s fucking huge to her. Yeah. It was a fucking joke the entire time we were together. I was like, “Huge to you, but small to everyone else. This rocks!” You know? So you ask yourself, you’re like, “Why? Then, why, if she knows this information, then why would she tell everybody what a great, big penis you have?” Right? Why would she do that? You know? ‘Cause to the outside, you’re like, “Wow. What a nice lady. Didn’t work out. Gave him a– Gave him a nice word.” You know? -“Told everybody he has a nice penis.” Right? That’s not why. She did that so that– Well, she’s a genius. Remember this. She’s a very smart person, okay? She did that so that every girl that sees my dick for the rest of my life is disappointed. – Aw! It’s genius! It’s a lifetime L. Hold that. I didn’t even get to enjoy my big dick summer, or whatever the fuck it was called. Please stop doing that. I have a family that reads. Stop. My poor mother. Anyway, uh, we’ll do some 9/11 jokes, and then we’ll get the fuck out of here. How does that sound? Cool. Yeah. Only time I’ll allow cheering for 9/11. My, uh, my– my dad, he– he died on 9/11. And I was told I had to explain that before I do these jokes, ’cause some people don’t know, to which I retorted, uh, that, uh, I don’t think I should say that ’cause it will just stop the show and make things awkward. I won. I was right. When your dad dies, and he works for, like, the state or the government or whatever… I don’t know. He was a fireman. Whatever that is, um… You, uh… Sometimes your family gets, like, a little bit of money. Not a lot of money. A little bit. So… Um, we got a little bit of money, and I remember my mom, you know, to make me and my sister feel better, uh, she wan-wanted to get us a pool with the money, right? Uh, she figured she’d get us a pool, and then, you know, like, people would want to be our friends, and they would come over and swim in it. You know, which is dark. Um… swim in the death pool. Uh… Yeah. Like, it’s a nice idea, but the sentiment, every cannon ball has a weird meaning behind it. Just doing laps every day like, “Is this even? Is this even?” No, uh… No, I remember my mom got us a pool, me and my sister, right? And, uh, kids– I was, like, seven when my dad died, so, like, kids don’t understand that shit. They don’t– They don’t know what’s going on, right? So I remember I got the pool, and kids at school would be like, “Yo. You’re so lucky, man. You’re rich. You have a pool.” You know? And I’d be like, “Yeah. Luckily, I have a pool -that I fill up with tears every summer. ‘Cause that’s how you know you’re rich, when you can swim in your own sadness. Thank God Osama bin Laden didn’t miss his alarm clock. You know why? I wouldn’t have a fucking pool! I’m sorry. Please come over later. I appreciate it.” We’re keeping that, Jason. I don’t care what you say. Anyway, so I did this, uh, thing about my dad over the summer. I had to, like, shoot this thing. So I had to, like, do, like, research on my dad kinda, and I had to, like, hang out with his friends, right? And I’m from Staten Island, my dad’s from Staten Island, so, you know, his friends are like me. They– they’re trash, right? Yeah. We’re garbage people. Literally. We have– we– we’re known, like, the thing– we’re known for having the world’s biggest garbage dump, uh, that you can see from space. That’s what the cab driver would say as you entered Staten Island. “I don’t know if you knew this, but this place has the biggest dump.” You know? As opposed to like, “Look at the tree!” Um… And you’re like, “Aw, well, what happened to the dump?” You know? “What’d they do?” Ah, well, they built a park over it. Uh, and you’re like, “Oh, that– You mean, they– they got rid of all the garbage?” No. They just fuckin’ built a fucking park over it. So, in ten years, when it starts fallin’ apart, kids are just getting stabbed by fuckin’ ’98 Hondas. Anyway, I’m trying to explain to you Staten Island people. It’s– that’s not a good exam– Oh, it’s kinda like— like, if you had a Marlboro Red, and you, like, threw it in the bathtub, and it, like, came to life. That’s… That’s… …that’s what a Staten Island guy is like, you know? Um… Anyway, so I had to go meet up with his friends, right? But, uh, all the stories I knew from my dad were from when I was seven, you know, so the stories that they were telling me were, like, way different… than what I had previously heard. Uh… Like, I don’t even know who this guy is. Uh, like, I’ll give you an example. When I was little, my dad’s friends would be like, “Your dad was the man, you know? We used to, like, play basketball and do our homework, you know? He always used to finish his plate. Always used to finish his plate! Finish it!” Why? I figured out… …there’s a reason why finishing your plate at seven was so difficult. It’s ’cause adults are saving us the same size portion as them, and we’re a third of their size. So when we get a third of the way through, we are full, and you yelling, “Eat it!” doesn’t help. It just makes everybody fat. You know what I mean? My mom used to be like, “There’s starving kids in Africa.” That was her go-to line to guilt me into anything. I’d be like, “Yeah, be that may, but if a kid in Africa got a third of the way through this, he’d be like, – ‘I am full.'” I like how half of you are like, “That’s funny,” and the other half are like, “I don’t know if you can do that, dude.” I guess we’ll check Twitter: the decider of all. Twitter’s the new pearly gates. They decide all people’s futures. Um, anyway, so I had to meet with my dad, uh, his friends, and I was like, “Tell me some stories about my dad,” and he was like, “Oh, we used to do coke all the time!” – And I was like, “What?” And he was like, “Oh, I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to tell you?” And I was like, “No, it’s cool. It’s just, I wasn’t expecting that. You know, growing up, I heard, like, you know, he always played basketball and did his homework and, like, finished his plate, you know? I guess the third one still applies kinda, but… yeah. -Um… I just wasn’t–” And he’s like, “I’m sorry. Should I like protect you? Am I, like, telling you too much stuff?” I was like, “No, it’s just, like I said, I grew up thinking, like, you know, I always knew my dad was a hero, but, like, I didn’t know he was a fuckin’ superhero. I didn’t know he was the coolest guy ever.” What a man of the ’90s, just doing blow and putting out fires. What a legend. Never been prouder. God, did that make me smile. How awesome is that? Can you picture that? Your house is on fire. A fire truck pulls up. One guy gets out, and he’s like, “All right. I’m gonna get the hydrant.” Another guy gets out. He’s like, “I’m gonna secure the area,” and then my dad gets out, like, “Let’s fuckin’ go! Whoo! No helmet!” Thank you, guys. Have a good night. I appreciate it. Thanks for comin’. Thank you. ♪ Never need a bitch I’m what a bitch need ♪ ♪ Tryna find the one that can fix me ♪ ♪ I’ve been dodging death In the six-speed ♪ ♪ Amphetamine Got my stummy feeling sickly ♪ ♪ Yeah, I want it all now ♪ ♪ I’ve been running through the pussy Need a dog pound ♪ ♪ Hundred models getting faded In the compound ♪ ♪ Tryin’ to love me But they never get a pulse down ♪ ♪ Why? ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m heartless ♪ ♪ And I’m back to my ways ‘Cause I’m heartless ♪ ♪ All this money And this fame got me heartless ♪ ♪ Lowlife for life ’cause I’m heartless ♪ ♪ Said I’m heartless ♪ ♪ Tryna be a better man But I’m heartless ♪ ♪ Never be a wedding plan For the heartless ♪ ♪ Lowlife for life ’cause I’m heartless ♪ I’ll tell you, the show’s over, but this is a story I would like to tell people. Uh, yeah. This is a story I wanna tell people. So, this is, um, the only other story I’ve heard about my dad, okay? Um, so… …I hang out with this dude, uh, and I was like, “Tell me stories about my dad.” He told me he did coke, and I was like, “Do you have any other stories?” He’s like, “I got one more.” I was like, “Okay. All right.” He goes, “So, one time…” He goes– This is how he talks. I don’t want you to think, like, I created this guy. That would be embarrassing. Uh, but this is how the guy talks. He’s like, “So, one time, me and your dad went to the Poconos for a wedding,” right? Now, Poconos is like white-trash Bahamas. -It’s, like… …it’s like where you go to try and, like, fix your marriage and, like, fuck in a heart-shaped tub, and you put a quarter in the bed, and it, like, shakes. And you’re like, “It shakes like our life!” So… he’s like, “We’re out there in the Poconos, right? So, we’re at– we’re at a wedding, right? Uh, so I’m at the wedding, and, you know, we’re having a good time. We’re fuckin’ dancing. Getting real fucked up, right? We’re getting fucked up.” I was like, “Cool, dude.” From ’87. “Getting fucked up.” Still proud of it. Uh… Uh, and he goes, uh, “So, you know, me and your dad, we’re at this wedding. We’re sharing a room, right? We’re sharing a room up in the Poconos, so I’m with this girl, and I’m tryin’ to go fuck her, right? Right?” Like, he always said “right,” like I was gonna be, like, “No. That is not… that is not how the story happened.” I’ve never heard this before. Yes. He’s like, “So I’m tryin’ to fuck her, right? So I look for your dad. I look all over the wedding. I’m like, ‘Where are you, Scott?'” That’s what he said. “I was like, ‘Where are you? I don’t see you.'” -Uh… He acted it out for me. Uh… And he was like, “So I just thought, you know, maybe he was fuckin’ someone, right? So I go back to the hotel room, right? Your father, nowhere to be found, right? So I’m with this girl, right? And we just start fucking banging, right? And it’s fucking sick, right? I’m fuckin’ doing her every which way, you know? I had her up here. She’s coming over there, and then we went in the bathroom.” I was like, “Yo. When does my dad come in? ‘Cause this just sounds like an oddly specific fuck story that you remember from ’87.” He goes, “Hold on. He’s coming. I just want you to know I’m not a pussy.” And I was like, “I know you’re not a pussy.” Uh, he goes, “So, we’re– we’re fuckin’, right?” Uh, and he goes, “You know, she comes. I come, you know. Her first, obviously, you know? Uh… and then we’re done, right? And we’re just, like, layin’ in it, and, uh… …all of a sudden, I see across the room, I see a cigarette cherry glowing in the dark. I turn on the lights. It’s your dad! And I go, ‘Scott! I’ve been looking for you.’ And he goes, ‘Hey, guys. Thanks for the free show.'” And he goes, “Now, that’s your dad.” And I was… And he’s like, “Isn’t that a great story?” I was like, “No! You’re not telling people that, are you? It’s a horrible story. Is this girl alive? I have to, like, find her and, like, pay her off now. What the fuck is this information?” Anyway, thank you guys for comin’ out. Have a good night. Thanks. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-human-mule-transcript/ | Tom Papa: Human Mule (2016) – Transcript | tom papa | aired December 2016 [plodding music] ♪ Please welcome to the stage Tom Papa. [cheers and applause] Thank you. [cheers and applause continue] Cleveland. Thank you so much. You guys look great. Cleveland, Ohio. [crowd cheering] That’s why I’m here: good people, the best people. So great. Good to see you. Thank you for coming out. Look at you. [cheers and applause] Look at you. You made a little plan for yourself. And you stuck with it. You didn’t cancel. I know you wanted to cancel. I know it. I know it. I almost did too. [laughter] Texting each other, “We still gonna go to the thing?” “Yeah. Don’t you want to go?” “No, I do. I’m just seeing if there’s any weakness on your part.” I will tear this night down. [laughs] [applause] Be home with my pants off all night. That’s all you want. You just want to be home with your pants off. Oh, it’s the best feeling in the world. And you only get it if you cancel. Oh, there’s no better feeling in the world than canceling. Oh! It’s the best! Just going from “I have to do something” to “I’m not doing anything.” Oh, what a dream. Canceling dinner plans with another couple? Oh, heaven. “You think we can cancel on ’em?” “Yes. “I don’t have to listen to him talk or watch her chew. Yes.” Oh, canceling the gym? Oh, that one’s sweet. You don’t even have to call anyone. Just do it in your head. “I’m not going.” Done. [applause] Oh, it’s the best. Snow days? Remember snow days? Oh! It’s the best. God canceling everything on everybody. More powerful than your parents. “I want to go to school, but I can’t. God won’t let us.” [laughter] Yeah, it’s a hard thing, not to cancel, and you didn’t cancel, and you made it, and it means a lot, and I thank you. [cheers and applause] Sincerely. What else you gonna do, really? What are you gonna do, stay home? Watch the news? Watch more news? You gonna watch more news? That’s a treat. Now, are you scared? Are you guys scared? Everybody’s scared now. Are you scared? Yeah? ‘Cause you watch too much news. Turn it off. Go to a show. Look, some things are scary. I’ll give it to you. Uh, no grown-ups left, that’s kind of scary. There’s no one left to fight the bad guys. There’s adult coloring books now. Adult coloring books. And they’re popular. I saw a man–a man– a grown man– on the floor of an airport. A man laying on his stomach on the floor of an airport, just coloring, just– Why even wear pants? Why? You’re not a man. You’re a baby man. My friend’s like, “No, Tom, you don’t understand. “They are adult. I have one. It’s a ‘Game of Thrones’ coloring book.” My apologies. I thought it was something childish, like “The Hobbit.” I didn’t know it was “Game of Thrones.” That must be hard, with all the snow in that show. Having to use the white crayon? You never really know if it’s working or not. No one can deal. How about these people with the fake service dogs? You see these creeps? Fake service– there’s real service dogs that help real people. Then a girl shows up with a Pekinese sticking out of a Hello Kitty handbag and acts like it’s working. And how little do you have to think of yourself to scam a certificate and show it at the gate? “I have to have this puppy with me on this flight, or I’m gonna lose my marbles.” “Oh, by all means. Welcome aboard.” What could possibly go wrong with your crazy ass… at 40,000 feet? I got on a flight the end of last year. There was a woman next to me. I’m not making any of this up. Middle seat. She turned to me, and she had a Chihuahua in a BabyBjorn. I swear to–head, penis, legs, and dog arms. The look of humiliation in this animal’s face… He was just like, “I apologize. “We normally walk. “We’ve been walking up till now. “I’m gonna have to get pants. “This is upsett– I can’t reach.” [laughs] [sighs] Look, it’s easy to scare human beings. We scare easy. We’re a timid creature, you know? We–my wife is one of those people that gets frightened in restaurants if you don’t give her exact directions to the bathroom. You have these people in your life? “Where is it? Where?” “It’s back there, to the right.” “But where? Has anyone gone? Has anyone gone?” “No, just follow a wall. You’ll get there.” Seriously, has anyone not come back? Has anyone not come back? “I miss Grandpa.” “Me too.” “We shouldn’t have taken him to the Applebee’s and let him go by himself.” [laughs] Look, you get scared, but keep your eye on the ball. You know, you have to have perspective. Are you afraid of ISIS? You think ISIS is coming to your house? Are they coming to your house? No. Keep your eye on the ball. There’s so many other ways you could die. [laughter] You drove here tonight. You made it here. You still got to get back. These roads are crazy. You should be scared of moms in Honda Odysseys. That’s who you should be scared of, not some guy dressed up like a ninja from Party City running around Yemen. Keep it in perspective. Look, life is stressful. It’s hard being a human being. It’s hard. It’s hard getting through life. I understand. I had a hard day today as well. My whole day today was spent trying not to eat nachos. That was my whole day. No, they’re bad for me, I shouldn’t eat them, and I can’t stop. And I ate them again. I ate them again. Gas station nachos today. [crowd groans] Oh, back off. Your fancy Cleveland farm-to-table nacho attitude. [cheers and applause] You think a drug addict cares where he gets his drugs? No. He just gets them, and he puts them in his body. Look, I’m not an animal. I didn’t wake up and say, “I’m eating nachos today.” I woke up. I said, “No, today’s the day. No nachos. We’re not doing it.” But that’s a different guy making those decisions. That’s Morning Tom who says those things. Oh, no, you’d like Morning Tom. He’s a winner. He’s a winner. Oh, Morning Tom, he puts on workout clothes, returns emails, makes fruit smoothies. Fruit smoothies. Gets a blender, puts in protein powder. Neeeeeeeee! Stare down my weak family eating Fruit Loops. Neeeeeeee! “You guys are losers. You know that, right? “All three of you. You’re looking at a winner right here.” We all are in the morning. There’s a different you coming out right now. In the morning, you’re clear-eyed and focused. That’s why you never hit on anyone in the morning. You got to wait till late at night, when they’re confused and tired. They got to lay down somewhere; might as well be with you. [cheers and applause] No one has ever gotten laid in the history of mankind at the breakfast buffet. “I’ll be back for waffles.” But that’s okay. That’s all right, you know? Problem is, morning time doesn’t last very long. Passes out around 2:00. And the guy that wakes up in his place is a very different guy. He is not a winner. That guys is not–he’s an alcoholic, is what he is. Takes that same blender and fills it up with margarita mix and tequila. [cheers and applause] Yeah. [laughs] Now my kids are looking at me. “Who’s the loser now?” Drunk at 3:00. And he’s a liar. He’ll say anything to get me to drink, anything. “Come on. Just have one. “Have one. You deserve it. You deserve it.” That’s all I got to hear. “Yeah, you’re right. I do deserve it. “Yeah, I worked hard this week. I fixed the toilet too. “You don’t hear that running anymore, no. “I did that. “I took the lid off the back. “I put my hand in that creepy water. “I touched the chain with the grass on it. “I did that. “And it’s fixed. “It’s gonna stay fixed… “as long as you use the other bathroom. “Just use the other toilet. I’m not sure what the hell I did.” [laughs] And then he–please. Then he just comes at you. “Come on. Come on. “If you have one, you gonna stop at one? “You can’t stop at one. You think Sinatra ever stopped at one?” “Yeah, you’re right. “I’m just like Sinatra too, “without the songs and the money. All right.” And then three hours later, I’m just wandering around my house drunk, with a phone in my hand. “I wonder if Panda Express makes nachos.” But that’s okay. You have to have perspective in your life. You have to enjoy yourself. You can’t work crazy all the time. What difference does it make? You got to enjoy yourself. You know, if you worked all the time, what would be different? Nothing. Nothing. At this point in your life, don’t you realize how much you’re going to affect the world? Don’t you realize… [laughter] What you’re going to accomplish? Calm down. [cheers and applause] Really. And that’s all right. Don’t compare yourself to the people who change the world. They’re freaks, genetic freaks. Steve Jobs, Edison– freaks. First of all, no sleep. No sleep. Three hours of sleep a night, those guys. Three. I’m out. I’m out. I need a lot of sleep. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, my first thought is, “I don’t think I can get a nap today.” I don’t even know if I’m tired. I don’t even know if I slept last night. I haven’t even opened my eyes. I know I peed five times. I don’t know if I REM’d out at the end. And it’s not a lazy thing; it’s a genetic condition. I come from a long line of nappers. The Papa family naps. My whole childhood was waking up adults to ask them stuff. They would just lay around the living room like a pile of sea lions. [laughter] “Dad, Dad. “Dad. Can I go to Keith’s house?” [long moan] “Grandma, Grandma, can I go to Keith’s house?” [long moan] “She moved her whiskers. That’s yes. Let’s go.” [laughs] And so what? So you don’t work all the time. What’s gonna happen? How’s your life gonna change? What, you’re not gonna be part of the super-rich? Is that what’s gonna happen? [muttering] First of all, that shouldn’t be a goal. It doesn’t change your life at all. And second of all, the list of people with all the money shrinks every year. It’s down to ten people now. In two years, it’s gonna be, like, Bob. Bob has all the money. Everybody, just sleep in. Take the whole summer off. Bob’s got all the money. And it shouldn’t be a goal. It’s just this abstract thing that you just keep chasing, you know? I’ve–personally, never a goal. I don’t need a lot of money. I can live a poet’s life. I really, sincerely could. Don’t need money. Don’t need stuff. Always giving it away. I could move every week. I really could. But, uh, I do not live alone. [chuckles] I’m married, and I have two children, and they are greedy, capitalist pigs. [laughter and applause] “More, more, more.” “Whaaa.” “I want food with every meal.” “Whaaa.” So I work hard. All my money goes to them. Every damn penny goes to these people. I live in a horrible school district in L.A. now, and it was either pay for school or guns and ammo. And they have no skills or coordination, so I’m paying for school. Goes against everything I believe in, but I’m paying for school. My only rule for paying for school is, I won’t pay for any school that is predominantly Asian. Why? Why would I pay all of that money for my kids to be last in everything? We can’t compete. These families are dominant. They kick ass. We can’t compete. They’re straight-A students. These kids play five instruments, five. They’re walking to school. They have an oboe and a violin and a drum kit. The dad’s pushing a baby grand piano across the parking lot. My kids play the toilet paper roll. Literally, we just walk around the house. [imitating horn playing music] “I think you got it, honey.” [imitating horn] “I don’t think you have to practice anymore. “Get some Pop-Tarts. Sit on the couch. Enjoy your life.” They beat us everywhere we go. I put the little one on the swim team. I figure we have a chance there, right? Let’s go to the pool. That’s an Asian-free zone. Let’s try it. Not anymore. They dominated every other sport. Now they’re at the pool. But my kid’s big. She’s got a back like Michael Phelps. I’m like, “We can take ’em. Come on. We can do this.” They hit the gun. Their kids took off like speed boats. My kid, two strokes, drowned right in their wake. We scooped her out, resuscitated her, put her right back on the couch. And we quit that night. We quit that night. She was like, “I thought we’re not allowed to quit things, Dad.” “Yeah, well, I’m not gonna be humiliated “like that again. “I’m not gonna ruin my Saturdays “and sit through that. “Yeah, you lay there “and think about what you might be good at, and we’ll try again.” [laughs] Now–so I’m not gonna be part of the super-rich, and I have news for you. Uh, you’re not either. [laughter] They don’t do this. They don’t come out to the ass end of Cleveland, sit in the dark, and listen to jokes. [cheers and applause] They do different things. They summer. They summer. They summer. Do you summer? I don’t summer. Summer happens, and I deal with it. Just stay in the shade and walk slow. No, they buy all white, a whole white wardrobe on Memorial Day to go summer. I can’t wear white. I bought a white shirt last year. I sweat through it in 20 minutes. It looked like I was smuggling turkey gravy under my armpits. Yeah, I should have thrown it out, but I spent 20 bucks for it at Old Navy. I’m gonna wear it. I just kept my arms in the reason of the season. No, we don’t summer. We don’t wear all white. My family doesn’t have parties in the middle of a wheat field. We don’t have a dining room table in the middle of a field where food just falls from the heavens and everyone’s beautiful and the dad stands up and quotes Shakespeare and everybody laughs, ’cause they get it. That is not my family. We go to my sister’s picnic table. We eat egg salad sandwiches. We push Grandma in the kiddie pool, and her tit pops out. That’s what we laugh at. That’s what we get. “Oh, Grandma, your titteth has poppethed out. To be or not to be in a home.” I say we keep her. She’s hilarious. Puts sponges in the toaster. Who does that? [laughs] Look, there’s nothing wrong with making money, right? You want to make money. You have to make money. I’m not saying you want to be poor. We’ve all been there, right? When I started comedy out of college, I made five bucks a night, five, in New York. I needed the money. It was fun times, but everything smelled like hot dogs, everything. I did. My girlfriend did. It was like, “Are we making hot dogs again?” “No, that’s us. We got to get jobs. This is not working out. We smell weird.” But how much is enough? You know what I mean? How much is enough? Do you really need a mansion? Who needs a mansion? Who needs a mansion? If you have 80 children, you should have a mansion, right? If you have 80 children, you need that square footage. You know what these places look like, ’cause they come in the beautiful real estate section of the Sunday paper, this beautiful magazine filled with mansions. Why? Why are you putting that in the poor people newspaper? Who’s couponing and looking for a mansion in the same paper? [cheers and applause] They always have those perfect kitchens, the beautiful island with a fruit bowl with a pyramid of perfect green apples. You eat one. A new one just appears out of nowhere, ’cause they have an apple boy. They have an apple boy. Just sits under the kitchen sink and waits. I’ve never even bought a fruit bowl. Have you ever bought a fruit bowl? No. You buy fruit. You need a bowl. You just pick it out of the other bowls. Congratulations, bowl. You’ve been nominated. Say good-bye to your friends. You’re the fruit bowl. And fruit isn’t even the main thing in the fruit bowl. It’s mostly car keys and pennies and garlic skin. One black banana from 1995. No one wants to pick it up, ’cause you know it’s gonna split. So if you have a lot of money and you help people, that’s one thing, but the culture’s devolved into this “I’m better than you” attitude just to have stuff. You know people in your family and friends who just mortgage it, lease it just to say, “I’m better than you,” even if they don’t have it. “Just look at what I have. “Look at my car. It’s newer than yours. “Look at my wife. She’s newer than yours. “She might be older, but she has all new parts. “Where do you shop? The regular supermarket? “That’s disgusting. “I can tell from your skin, “’cause it’s splotchy and gross. “No, I respect it. I just can’t do it. “I only shop at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. “That’s where I get my conflict-free M&Ms. Naaah. Naaah.” I’m done with the Whole Foods. I’m done with it. I like eating healthy. I do. But you have to be a billionaire to eat healthy? I’m not spending five bucks on an apple ’cause you thought it was a good idea to ship it from Vermont by bicycle. “Then where you gonna get your kale? How you gonna get your kale?” I don’t know. I don’t care. I don’t even know what it is. My grandmother never made it. My mother never saw it. It just showed up, like, a week and a half ago. But it’s here now, and you got to eat it. Well, how do I know what it is? ‘Cause it takes like mulch, and you feel like a koala bear when you’re chewing on it. “Are you supposed to eat the stem? Oh, okay.” Hard to tell the eat part from the throw-out part. They get up to the register. They put on a whole show about their bags. “I have my own bags. “I want everyone here to know “I wouldn’t use their bags. “I am an angel sent from heaven. “I wove my own bags out of human hair and seaweed.” Get over yourself. These people have driven me to Costco. That’s the only place I shop now. I go to Costco. Yeah. [cheers and applause] Yeah. No one acts like they’re better than you at Costco. Everyone knows exactly who they are at Costco. “I’m disgusting, and I need more stuff immediately. “And I’m making one trip. I brought the big car. This is my only weekend out.” There’s a sense of community when you go to Costco, right? You can’t go there by yourself. You can drive there alone. You’re gonna have to make some friends on your way in. You can’t get a 25-pound salami on your back by yourself. Trying to throw it in your cart like the Scottish strongman competition. The place is so massive, they got to hand out little samples in cups to keep up your strength. It’s like a white trash marathon in that place. “Here’s a fried baloney ball. You’re doing great.” [applause] “There’s fried chicken popsicles, aisle ten. You’ll get there by Tuesday if you keep up the pace.” [chuckles] You get to the register. No one’s talking about bags at Costco. They don’t even have bags. They have boxes with holes in it. “There was a dead pig in this yesterday. “I don’t know if that bothers you. “The cardboard’s a little wet. He was a bleeder.” And they know they’re not gonna live forever at Costco. They have coffins at the door. They literally sell coffins at the door, which sounds absurd until you look in your cart filled with Cheez-Its and Slim Jims. You’re like, “How much longer can I live like this? “Seriously? “You know what? Today’s the day. “I’m buying a coffin today. “You know what? Give me the coffin. “I’m gonna use it as my box. Put all my stuff in there.” Wheel it– [laughs] Look, I don’t even blame you if you’re one of the Costco people or the Whole Foods people. It’s not even up to you anymore, right? You go to a store once, they take so much information from you, you end up in this long-term relationship with these companies. Back off. I deal with human beings. That’s enough. I’m not dating you, CVS. Every time I go to CVS, “Do you have your card? “Do you have your CVS card? Do you have your card?” “No, for the tenth time this week. No, I don’t have a card.” “You don’t have a card? “This man doesn’t have a card! “This man doesn’t have a card. You’ve got to join us.” People coming out of the back, “Join us. Join us.” “No, I don’t want to join you. “I don’t want anything on my keychain. “I didn’t want to make eye contact with you, frankly. “I just want to sneak in here, get this ointment, go home, and deal with this.” [laughter] [applause] “Do you take money? “I’ll pay you money. “I’ll pay you double if you let me leave. “I should be home with my pants off, solving this problem right now.” When you don’t join up, they act like a psychotic girlfriend on your way out. “Well, how about your email or your phone number? “We’re not gonna use it; we just want to have it. “We just want to smell it when you’re not here, ’cause we love you.” Back off. Check into the hotel, “Welcome back, Tom.” “Whoa, what do you mean, ‘welcome back’? “You don’t know me. “That’s why I stay with you. You don’t know me. “I know people in town. I don’t stay with them. “They know me. “This is our relationship: “I come in late at night, “I do weird stuff to your towels, “and I leave in the morning. Forget my name.” Every restaurant, they can’t just come up to your table now. They got to bounce up there. “You guys ever eaten here before? You guys ever eaten in an Outback Steakhouse before?” Just lie. “Yeah, I’ve been here before.” They leave, and they get your drink. My wife likes to be honest. “No, I’ve never been in one of these before. What’s gonna happen?” He’s gonna do a show. He’s gonna do a goddamn show. “Let me tell you how it works. “We’re a little crazy at the Outback Steakhouse. “You think you’ve been eating your whole life, “chewing and swallowing? “That’s not what we do here. “You order your appetizer, bring out a cannon, and we shoot it right in your face.” They all have their own credit card now. “Do you have your KFC MasterCard?” “What?” “Do you have your KFC MasterCard?” “No, I don’t have a chicken credit card in my wallet “with a picture of a plantation owner on the side.” “Well, I could save you 15% of your purchase right now if you apply for a KFC MasterCard.” “Yeah, I’m sure the 25 people behind me “wouldn’t mind me filling out some paperwork and running a credit check during their lunch half-hour.” I don’t care about 15% of $8. I don’t care. I just want to sit in the parking lot by myself, eat it quickly before my wife comes out of Banana Republic and sees I’m not following doctor’s orders. Move it. “But if you don’t use the cards, “you’re not gonna get your points. “If you don’t get points, you won’t have status. Don’t you want status?” Don’t fall for it. Don’t fall for it. There’s no such thing as status. It’s all illusion. They try and fool you. Doesn’t matter how many points you have, where you fly on the plane, what you drive. We’re all exactly the same: horrible animals running around in pants, trying to keep ourselves busy, fighting the overwhelming urge to mount each other and make smaller versions of ourselves. [laughter and applause] All the same. But they try and fool ya, right? Flying here, “Okay, we’re gonna board your flight now. “Not everybody. Sit down. “Not all at once, you maniacs. “There’s some special people here “getting on that plane first, ’cause they have status. “We’re gonna start off with our diamond-crusted, “gold-plated, carbon fiber-based, Teflon-coated, “premier, elite-access, super-duper Douchebag Flying Guy Club.” And the whole place stands up. Everybody has it. How special is it? There’s one guy in the other lane with a crooked leg and a cane. “I have no status at all.” And he walks funny, so they board him first anyway. I travel a lot. I travel all the time. I was traveling a lot last year, and I took my family out with me. Figured that would be a good thing. That was– what do you call that? A mistake. That’s a mistake. That is not a good thing. You realize when you travel with your family, you don’t really know these people all that well. When you’re home, you’re like bees in and out of a hive. You don’t really hang out. And then you wake up that first morning in a hotel room just looking at each other. [chuckles] “You guys are pretty weird, right? “Does the little one always do that? “I didn’t even know we had her. She doesn’t look like any of us.” Big moment this year, though, during the travels. The kids, for the first time in their lives, wheeled their own luggage. Huge, huge milestone. ‘Cause look– yeah, it’s big. It’s a big deal. [applause] Look, I’ve made my own people, right? I’ve made my own people. I’ve made two people, and I am their leader. I am their leader. So when they want to go somewhere, I have to plan it, because they don’t know where anything is. They think New York and L.A. are right next to each other. I have to pay for everything, ’cause they have no money or skills of any kind. But for years, I would have to carry everything that they owned, like a mule, like a human mule. They would literally load everything on my back and then sit on top of the pile like a small Peruvian lady, and I would just walk through the airport with canteens hitting my legs, just standing at the gate with flies in my eyes. And sometimes you see a donkey with flies in his eyes and you think, “Why doesn’t he get those flies out of his eyes?” Now I know. I’ve seen a donkey’s soul. He doesn’t care about the flies. He hopes the fly eats through his eye and devours the part of his brain that feels and remembers. Oh, but this year, the handle went up, and they just walked ahead. I was crying in the airport, I was so happy. Still can’t pack, though. We got to the hotel. The only thing there was a Curious George and some magnets. Really? Two week’s vacation. You thought that was gonna do it. All right. Hope you like that bathing suit. You’re gonna wear it a lot. And I’m still learning about my wife, still learning about my wife. Oh, I married a talker. I married a talker. 16 years together. Still coming up with new stuff to say every goddamn day. She starts from the minute she gets up till about a half-hour after she falls asleep. Just talks… She’ll talk to anybody. The housekeeper at the hotel doesn’t speak any English at all. My wife doesn’t care. “Then my mother said she didn’t like my hair. Can you believe that?” This poor woman’s like, “Oh, no. Terrible.” Then we come home. She starts talking to the cats. Cats, they don’t speak any language at all. My wife just sees two ears, like, “I should fill those with talking noises. “How many times have I told you not to go on the counter? We talk about this every day.” Cat’s like, “Meow, meow. That’s terrible. Meow.” [laughs] Went to Disney for the first time, a trip to Disney. That was, uh– that was rough. That was rough. That is not a good place. They call it “the happiest place on Earth.” For who? For who? Ugh! Look, I love the idea. I love the idea that this man created something out of his own head. He just wanted to create a nice little place where families can go and kids can let their imagination run wild and feel safe for a couple hours in this horrible world. Beautiful idea. But what he couldn’t foresee when he was developing it in 1950 was the type of people it was going to attract in 2016 in the United States of America, ’cause they didn’t make these kind of people back then. There weren’t dinosaur-sized people stomping through the park with their elephant children attached to their tail… Pushing the biggest strollers I’ve ever seen. I had no idea John Deere made strollers. One woman had five kids in it. Fi–I never–I don’t know what you even call that. A pentalometer? A jumbotron? Five pumpkin-faced kids eating cheeseburgers, and she’s plowing through the crowd, knocking other families out of the way like tumbleweeds just so she can get to the churro stand first. Then there are people there, women, who have no children at all, who want to be a princess themselves. Grown women who want to be a princess. They want to dress like Cinderella, but they don’t make a Cinderella dress for someone 48 years old, 6’5″, 380. They never had a meeting and said, “Let’s make more of those.” Does that stop them? No, it does not. They buy that dress. They stuff everything they have into it, and a lot doesn’t fit. There’s a lot of extra hanging over the sides. But that’s okay. They’re happy there. They have their autograph book and their wand, and they skip through the park. Fine. Honestly, I didn’t think I was gonna fall for it. I didn’t. I didn’t think we were gonna do. I didn’t. But once you make your own people, the ads just find you. Every time you open your phone, open your laptop, turn on TV, there they are, just selling you joy and perfection, right? Every time you turn it on, the mom and dad are beautiful, perfect teeth and hair, clothes. “I love you.” “No, I love you.” “You’re beautiful.” “No, you’re beautiful.” “Our kids are beautiful.” And the kids are holding Mickey’s hand, looking back at the parents. “Thanks, Mom and Dad, for not being stupid and poor.” I’ll admit it; I wanted to be that family. I wanted to be that family. We were not that family. We didn’t come close. We were not perfect. We were sweaty and pissed off and cursing in front of the children. “This is your damn fault. “If your parents didn’t raise you like an animal, we would have left a little bit earlier.” And the kids don’t even hear us, ’cause they’re slapping each other in the face. And we haven’t even parked yet. We haven’t even parked. We’re still in the van. We’re pissed off ’cause we didn’t get to park in Mickey and Minnie parking. They sent us with that big hand to the ass end of Chip and Dale parking. That’s another tram ride we didn’t plan for. Then you get to the front of the park. I know it’s a cliché, but you get up there. You open your wallet. They take everything you got. Everything– every dollar, every coin, every credit card, gym memberships, pictures of your family, unused condoms. That mouse rapes you at the turnstile, and you have to plaster a smile on your face in front of your kids, ’cause you don’t want to ruin the happiest place on Earth. “It’s gonna be a great… day, guys. It’s really gonna be a lot of fun.” Then you get inside. It’s just line after line after line. I thought I was gonna beat it. I had the app on my phone. I’m like, “I’m gonna beat ’em.” No, you’re not beating Disney. I’m like, “Let’s go on the Peter Pan ride. “That’s a horrible ride from 1912. “Look, no one wants to even go on it. The line only goes back and forth two times.” Yeah, up here. Then they take you to the basement. It loops around for three days. Then they shoot you out the ass end. It goes around the Matterhorn 12 times. And it’s a bad ride. It’s a bad ride. Old cardboard cutouts, Christmas lights that don’t even work anymore. All the voices are jumbled. [distorted] “I’m Tinker Bell. I’m Tinker Bell.” 2 1/2 hours! Was it worth it? No. What would be worth it? Nothing. I get to the end of that line, there could be naked supermodels with bags of money and all-you-can-eat nachos. I’d be like, “No, not into it. You lied to me.” [chuckles] Here’s what I learned, though. Here’s what I learned. If you go ahead and go–and if you make your own people, you’re gonna have to go– you just want to go once. You want to go once, so you got to blow it out, make it all about the kids, go big. Give ’em your money. “Here’s $300 cash, kids. “Spend it the way you want to spend it. It’s your day.” And halfway up Main Street, they’ll be broke, ’cause they’re small, and they’re stupid and gullible. And they’re going to buy a lot of blinking stuff that’s not gonna work by the time they get outside. And now they’re laying in the gutter of Main Street like little Disney hobos, broken toys, crying, just yelling at the characters. “Get over here, duck, and shake your ass. I got nothing left.” Make sure you fill them with sugar, a lot of sugar. Make them tweak out on sugar. Don’t even have to wear sunblock. “How about that, kids? “You hate when I put it on you. “I don’t want to put it on you. “Don’t wear it. I bet you don’t even burn in Disney.” They do burn, especially when they’re little. They turn purple, and they start to blister. And now they’re crying. They got broken toys. They’re crashing on sugar. And this is when you walk ’em. You got to walk the hell out of ’em. Give ’em the map. “Anywhere you want to go.” “Oh, you want to go from the Cars ride “to It’s a Small World? “Sure, 20 miles apart. Let’s start walking.” Midnight rolls around. They’ve been on two rides the whole day. We’ll never go back again. My kids see that mouse now, they shake like they went to war with it. [applause] I like moving around, especially by myself. You get to see a lot of people, and it’s inspirational. You know, people are good, and they’re kind, and they look out for each other. And–yeah, I actually like people more the older I get. When I was younger, I didn’t like people so much, and now, you know, you realize, “We’re all the same, you know?” You pee on your own leg more than three times a week. You’re like, “How great am I?” You know? And that’s another thing I don’t understand about the wealth. I mean, what’s the thing? What’s the goal? To just get so much money, you isolate yourself from everybody else? Just go from your helicopter to your island and back to your place? Why? We’re only here once. You got to mix it up, you know? Look, I’m not Pollyannaish about it. I mean, sometimes I get around people in a crowd, I wish I had my own helicopter. Not just to fly away. I would turn it upside down and chop everyone’s head off. [laughter and applause] Sometimes. But for the most part, people are cool, and they look out for each other, and it’s nice, you know? And the only bad part: it only takes one person who doesn’t know how to act among us to ruin the good time of everyone else, some disgusting behavior, and it ruins the good time of everybody, ’cause they’re breaking the human contract, which is very simple. You’re abiding by it right now. So when we get around each other, just turn it down a notch. Don’t do publicly what you like to do privately. When you’re alone, it gets kind of weird. That’s okay. You’re an animal. There’s only so long you can not put a finger in one of your openings. That’s okay. Hey, you got a job to do. They don’t make tools for everything you got to get done. Fine. Right now, there’s someone in here that likes filling up his pants with Cheez Doodles and dancing around like a pretty pony. And he’s not doing it. He’s fighting the urge until he gets home. And we respect you for that, sir. We thank you. And I guarantee you it’s a sir. I guarantee you. These other people don’t care. They think the whole world centers around them, disgusting people. They just walk around peeing on things, farting everywhere, letting their dogs go all over your lawn, blowing their nose in the air. Have you ever been around that guy? What the hell? What is– what goes on in your head where you think, “I’ve got something in my nose” and the other part of your brain says, “Blow it out of your face now”? And they’re good at it, which means they practice. Awful people, disgusting people, the same people that curse in front of children, don’t give up their seat for old people, don’t hold the door open for women– awful people. They’re the same people that bring their own smelly-ass food on planes. They apparently think they’re flying alone, and they bring this smelly-ass food that they made in a disgusting laboratory they call a kitchen. Awful. You know who these people are, by the way, ’cause they’re the ones walking through the airport carrying their own pillow from their bed. That’s a psychopath. If you’re a grown-up and you take your pillow out of your bedroom, you better stop at the couch, and you better have the flu. You open the door and take it out into the world with you, you should be caught with a net, and we should never see you again. “Going on a big trip today. “What’s that? You’re so right, pillow. You’re so right.” Look, I don’t think there should be food on a plane at all. How about that, chubsy? How about that? Can you survive without a sandwich? Can you do it? During the Great Depression, we ate nothing but rusty nails and dirt for years. Can you make it to Boise without a sandwich? All right, maybe I’m insensitive. Maybe you have a tapeworm that needs feeding. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on inside your gut. But then be nice, something non-offensive. How about an apple, maybe some trail mix? The last flight I was on, a guy broke out a tuna fish and dead skunk ass sandwich. I don’t know what part of Whole Foods has that, but this guy found it, chopped it up with tuna and mayo, and put it on rye. And he waited till the doors were shut and we’re at 10,000 feet. He released this stink bomb like it was a planned attack. You ever smell something so bad that you just get confused? Your head snaps back. You make little circles with your hands. You just blurt something out. “Roosevelt!” [panting] “Just keep breathing out. Just breathe out, out.” “It’s too late. I breathed in. It’s in me. I breathed in. I messed up. It’s in me. I can taste it. I can taste it.” People were opening their air vents just to get air from somewhere else. “Oh! Oh! I don’t care if it’s from the engine. Oh!” People were putting their faces in strangers’ armpits for relief. You know what kills me about these situations? All the good people, the social tension of all the nice, cool people. How many other people on the flight? 200? 300 people? So nice, so kind. They don’t even complain. They just sit there and suffer in silence. You’ve never been in that situation and have a guy pop up at the back. “Are you kidding me? “No, honey, let me go. This has to be said. “7:00 in the morning, skunk ass. “Screw you! Oh, I’m the bad guy. All right, all right.” [cheers and applause] Never. The most you get, people just roll their eyes and whisper. “Pee-yew, he smells. I think it’s skunk ass. I would never do that. That’s terrible.” I’ve got two people that I made. I’ve got two kids. And they’re going through a weird phase. I don’t know if it’s a weird phase. It’s just–my kids are finally realizing I’m not as great as they thought. You know what I mean? Like, for years, I was their god. They were amazed by everything I did. “He gets food. I don’t know how he does it.” “That’s nothing; I saw him lift a chair over his head by himself.” “Wow!” “I know!” The other day, I was yelling at ’em. I mixed up their names. They shot me a look like, “Oh. Maybe our leader’s an idiot. Maybe he’s not kidding when he says he can’t help with our math homework.” And they’re not wrong. I can’t help them anymore. I don’t understand it. But I have to act like it’s a parenting decision for my own ego. They’ll be like, “Dad, can you help me with my math homework?” “No, I’m not giving you the answers. This is between you and your teacher. Work it out.” Then I’m in the bathroom on YouTube, “How do you add fractions with different bottoms? “Oh, you just got to make them the same.” “How?” “Uh…” [laughs] [sighs] My daughter got in the car the other day. She reached over my shoulder. She hit the radio. A whole Taylor Swift station came on that she reprogrammed herself. I’m like, “No, when did you do that?” And I change it. A Katy Perry station comes on. She hijacked the whole radio. I’m like, “When did you do that?” She’s like, “Don’t worry about it. Just make it louder.” Could you imagine? I couldn’t imagine, as a child, getting in my father’s car, demanding my music, and then, “Louder. Lower. A little louder. Right there, Chief. Right there.” When I eventually came out of my coma, they would have told me a story of how arrogant I was and why I lost five years of my life when I was hit in the head with a pipe. And as the only man in my house, it’s my job to maintain my importance in the family by teaching my daughters that there are no great guys. That’s my job: to teach my daughters there are no great guys. [scattered applause] Yeah, I believe it. Yeah, there’s a lot of guys applauding that. You know. There’s no great guys. If you think you’re with a great guy tonight, you’re not. Look, American men are as great as you’re gonna get. We fight for equality, and we push strollers. We wear diaper bags. We tell you we want equal pay. But keep in mind it’s an act. It’s an act. Because inside all of us is a 16h-century man who wants to burn the village to the ground. He’s always in there, so just keep that in mind. If you have a man, you have a wild animal. This is a wild animal, so use him wisely. You’re in control, so don’t do stupid things with your man. Don’t ask us to do certain things. Don’t be stupid. Don’t ask us to watch the children. What are you doing? We’re not really watching the children, not the way you watch the children. We watch them eat bottle caps and fall down stairs. And we laugh. Don’t ask me to shop with my 13-year-old. I shouldn’t be shopping for clothes. I shouldn’t be in Forever 21, waiting for my daughter to come out of the dressing room. No one there knows I have a daughter in the dressing room. They just see a sweaty, uncomfortable man breathing heavy by himself next to the bras and panties. And I shouldn’t pick the young one up from gymnastics. No dad should be picking up his daughter from gymnastics. I shouldn’t be hanging out with the other moms, waiting for it to be over. They’re all talking about juice boxes and play dates. All I’m thinking is, “Which one of these moms would I have sex with first?” I’m being honest. That’s where our head goes. Not which one would I have sex with, by the way, ’cause I’d have sex with all of them. The weird one, the one with the thing on her eye, I’ll make it work. I can make it work. But which one first, while I’ve got the energy? That’s my job, try and give them lessons, but it’s hard, because the real world starts coming in, right? And they start learning about the real world. I try to protect them, but they start learning about all the good and the bad that’s out in the world, and it’s funny in my house, ’cause they’re learning about it at different rates. You know, like, we learned about Thanksgiving, and the little one’s like, “Oh, we love Thanksgiving. “We love the Indians. We gave them our buckle hats and our shoes and a turkey, and they gave us some feathers and some mashed potatoes, and we had dinner with them, and they love us, and we love them.” And the 13-year-old’s just leaning against the refrigerator. “What’s this Trail of Tears I’m hearing about? We took their land and then moved them out west, then took their land again and then killed them all?” And the little one’s like, “It’s not the same Indians, right, Dad?” I’m like, “Yeah, it’s the same Indians.” She’s like, “Why did we do that?” “Oh, easy with the ‘we,’ first of all. We’re the Papas. We’re Italian. We got here in 1945. We eat spaghettis and ride Vespas. We’re lovers.” [laughs] But it’s hopeful to see this generation, ’cause they just–they just– you know, they’re more tolerant, and it’s not even tolerant; they don’t have to tolerate it. They don’t even know that things are bad or that they hate each other. They’re just nice and nice people, and it’s very hopeful. They don’t even see race. They don’t say “black people” or “white people.” They just say “darker” or “much darker” or “whiter” or “much whiter” or “gross.” That’s how they talk. The first time my daughter ever heard about race, she saw “The Jackie Robinson Story,” and that really blew her away. She’s like, “Wait a minute. “Are you telling me that white people had to let the black people play baseball?” I was like, “Yeah, that’s how it happened for a while.” She’s like, “No, no, no way. “Isn’t it the black people who let the white people play sports?” [applause] She’s like–she’s like, “‘Cause I’ve seen some of our white people play basketball. We shouldn’t do that.” And I’m like, “Yeah, they let us play once in a while. “They also let us make music, and that’s where country comes from.” [laughs] The only reason I want a son is because that’s the only thing ruining our good time on the planet. The only time someone loses it and does something awful, 100% of the time, it’s a guy. And I don’t get it, ’cause I was a man… for a while. I was, before I built this vagina tribe that I live in. You really can’t be a man in the vagina tribe. You can’t. I watch the play-offs, but people are putting bows in my hair and doing my nails at the same time. No, angry young men, I really don’t get it. Just calm down, guys. Calm down. You feel like a loser? That’s okay. We all do. We all do. You’re not missing out on anything. We’re all losers. We’re human beings. You get little moments of victories, and most of the time, you lose. That’s okay. That’s the way the whole world works. Travel all around. Everyone’s exactly the same. Thank God you’re not that happy, or I wouldn’t have a job. You’d just sit at home and call your friends. “Ha-ha ha ha ha. Life is wonderful.” No, you have to pay for your laughter, and I am your prostitute. [cheers and applause] It’s okay. I’m happy to do it. But come on. You’re a young man. Get your life in order. Just get anything. Get a guitar. Get a skateboard. Get a girl. Get a girl. You’re 19. Get an 18-year-old girl. That’s the only age that won’t sound creepy. 19, everything is working full bore. That’s not gonna last. You think everyone’s with supermodels? No. Lower the bar. Lower the bar. Any woman will soothe your soul. Go to a bowling alley. Go to a bowling alley. Go to the back of the bowling alley. There’s a deep fryer in the back of the bowling alley. There’s a girl working that deep fryer. That’s your girl. She’ll be a ton of fun. You’ll get fries and onion rings on the side. Get a cougar. That didn’t exist when I was 19. There weren’t hot, middle-aged women looking for young men to violate. They’re out there now in force. Go to any ladies’ night in any Holiday Inn in Any City, USA. Walk out on the dance floor. Push all the 50-year-old douche bags in their Tommy Bahama out of the way. Raise your arms. “I’m 19.” They will rape you on the dance floor. And look, there are angry young women out there. There’s a lot of angry young women. But they don’t blow stuff up. They just terrorize one guy at a time. They pick one guy out, and they just ruin his life. It’s not nice, but it’s better for the community as a whole. [laughs] But we’re gonna be just fine. And look, look. You have to vote for the right people that are gonna do the right things, and if they don’t do the right things, then you just get them out. That’s just the way it goes. Don’t stress about it. Move it along. That’s the way it goes, ’cause it’s their job. They got to deal with that stuff. We can’t do it. We’re busy. We’re busy, all right? I can’t go out and fight ISIS. My house is crazy. I got enough to deal with in my house, right? You got all your stuff to do. You got to watch LeBron run around. You’ve got to go to games. We’re busy. We’re busy people. I can’t fight ISIS. Neither can you. One of my cats just died. That’s what I’m dealing with. Yeah. Well, we had three, so two to go. No, I love cats. I love that level of intimacy. I wish my kids were more like cats. That would be perfect. Oh, my God. And please, if I could just leave food for them once a week and they brush against my leg to let me know they’re alive, perfect. Perfect. I don’t even know why we have these animals. Do you? It makes no sense. All these years of engineering and walls and electricity to keep nature out. Then we just open the door like a bouncer. “You two, come on in. No, not you, squirrel, you coke addict. Get out of here.” Then you have an animal just sitting on your counter, looking at you. I was watching TV the other day. My cat, looking at me, dropped its ass, back legs up, front paws, just started pulling itself straight at me, six feet across. Didn’t break eye contact the entire time. Stared me down. “That’s right. My ass in your carpet. What of it? What you gonna do about it, go in my box? I don’t think so. Who’s scooping it out? Not me. Never have, never will.” [cheers and applause] It’s a crazy house. 16 years putting this whole thing together, and it works. I wish you the same success. I really do. And the family is a good thing. 16 years in the family, 16 years with the same woman, the same person. Good thing. [cheers and applause] It’s good, and it works. But it’s time for a girlfriend. It’s definitely time for a girlfriend. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to my wife. It’s not fair to this woman to expect her to act like a girlfriend for this long; it’s not. Look, when you’re a girlfriend, you’re motivated. You’re excited to see that guy come home. My wife is not that good of an actress. This poor woman has watched me walk from the bedroom to the bathroom in the middle of the night, underwear hanging off my ass, banging into furniture in the dark, for 16 years. How could I expect her to be like, “Oh, goody, I hope he hurries back”? [cheers and applause] I’m out of stories. I’ve run out of stories. You ever hang out with a married couple, the guy starts telling a story, the wife just starts stirring her drink and rolling her eyes? “Here we go again. Blah, blah, blah. We’ve all heard it, Don. We’ve all heard it.” We’re entering that stage. I’m a comedian. She doesn’t think I’m funny. It’s time for a girlfriend. And look, I’m not gonna be sneaky about it. I’m not gonna cheat. I’m gonna sit her down. I’m gonna tell her my plans straight out. I’ll be like, “Look, I found a girl. “She’s young, and she’s dumb. She’s just what we need. She hasn’t heard any of my stories. She thinks I’m hilarious. She wants to fool around all the time. Don’t think of her as my girlfriend. Think of her as your assistant.” Thank you so much, Cleveland. You guys were wonderful. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] | [cheers and applause] Thank you. [cheers and applause continue] Cleveland. Thank you so much. You guys look great. Cleveland, Ohio. [crowd cheering] That’s why I’m here: good people, the best people. So great. Good to see you. Thank you for coming out. Look at you. [cheers and applause] Look at you. You made a little plan for yourself. And you stuck with it. You didn’t cancel. I know you wanted to cancel. I know it. I know it. I almost did too. [laughter] Texting each other, “We still gonna go to the thing?” “Yeah. Don’t you want to go?” “No, I do. I’m just seeing if there’s any weakness on your part.” I will tear this night down. [laughs] [applause] Be home with my pants off all night. That’s all you want. You just want to be home with your pants off. Oh, it’s the best feeling in the world. And you only get it if you cancel. Oh, there’s no better feeling in the world than canceling. Oh! It’s the best! Just going from “I have to do something” to “I’m not doing anything.” Oh, what a dream. Canceling dinner plans with another couple? Oh, heaven. “You think we can cancel on ’em?” “Yes. “I don’t have to listen to him talk or watch her chew. Yes.” Oh, canceling the gym? Oh, that one’s sweet. You don’t even have to call anyone. Just do it in your head. “I’m not going.” Done. [applause] Oh, it’s the best. Snow days? Remember snow days? Oh! It’s the best. God canceling everything on everybody. More powerful than your parents. “I want to go to school, but I can’t. God won’t let us.” [laughter] Yeah, it’s a hard thing, not to cancel, and you didn’t cancel, and you made it, and it means a lot, and I thank you. [cheers and applause] Sincerely. What else you gonna do, really? What are you gonna do, stay home? Watch the news? Watch more news? You gonna watch more news? That’s a treat. Now, are you scared? Are you guys scared? Everybody’s scared now. Are you scared? Yeah? ‘Cause you watch too much news. Turn it off. Go to a show. Look, some things are scary. I’ll give it to you. Uh, no grown-ups left, that’s kind of scary. There’s no one left to fight the bad guys. There’s adult coloring books now. Adult coloring books. And they’re popular. I saw a man–a man– a grown man– on the floor of an airport. A man laying on his stomach on the floor of an airport, just coloring, just– Why even wear pants? Why? You’re not a man. You’re a baby man. My friend’s like, “No, Tom, you don’t understand. “They are adult. I have one. It’s a ‘Game of Thrones’ coloring book.” My apologies. I thought it was something childish, like “The Hobbit.” I didn’t know it was “Game of Thrones.” That must be hard, with all the snow in that show. Having to use the white crayon? You never really know if it’s working or not. No one can deal. How about these people with the fake service dogs? You see these creeps? Fake service– there’s real service dogs that help real people. Then a girl shows up with a Pekinese sticking out of a Hello Kitty handbag and acts like it’s working. And how little do you have to think of yourself to scam a certificate and show it at the gate? “I have to have this puppy with me on this flight, or I’m gonna lose my marbles.” “Oh, by all means. Welcome aboard.” What could possibly go wrong with your crazy ass… at 40,000 feet? I got on a flight the end of last year. There was a woman next to me. I’m not making any of this up. Middle seat. She turned to me, and she had a Chihuahua in a BabyBjorn. I swear to–head, penis, legs, and dog arms. The look of humiliation in this animal’s face… He was just like, “I apologize. “We normally walk. “We’ve been walking up till now. “I’m gonna have to get pants. “This is upsett– I can’t reach.” [laughs] [sighs] Look, it’s easy to scare human beings. We scare easy. We’re a timid creature, you know? We–my wife is one of those people that gets frightened in restaurants if you don’t give her exact directions to the bathroom. You have these people in your life? “Where is it? Where?” “It’s back there, to the right.” “But where? Has anyone gone? Has anyone gone?” “No, just follow a wall. You’ll get there.” Seriously, has anyone not come back? Has anyone not come back? “I miss Grandpa.” “Me too.” “We shouldn’t have taken him to the Applebee’s and let him go by himself.” [laughs] Look, you get scared, but keep your eye on the ball. You know, you have to have perspective. Are you afraid of ISIS? You think ISIS is coming to your house? Are they coming to your house? No. Keep your eye on the ball. There’s so many other ways you could die. [laughter] You drove here tonight. You made it here. You still got to get back. These roads are crazy. You should be scared of moms in Honda Odysseys. That’s who you should be scared of, not some guy dressed up like a ninja from Party City running around Yemen. Keep it in perspective. Look, life is stressful. It’s hard being a human being. It’s hard. It’s hard getting through life. I understand. I had a hard day today as well. My whole day today was spent trying not to eat nachos. That was my whole day. No, they’re bad for me, I shouldn’t eat them, and I can’t stop. And I ate them again. I ate them again. Gas station nachos today. [crowd groans] Oh, back off. Your fancy Cleveland farm-to-table nacho attitude. [cheers and applause] You think a drug addict cares where he gets his drugs? No. He just gets them, and he puts them in his body. Look, I’m not an animal. I didn’t wake up and say, “I’m eating nachos today.” I woke up. I said, “No, today’s the day. No nachos. We’re not doing it.” But that’s a different guy making those decisions. That’s Morning Tom who says those things. Oh, no, you’d like Morning Tom. He’s a winner. He’s a winner. Oh, Morning Tom, he puts on workout clothes, returns emails, makes fruit smoothies. Fruit smoothies. Gets a blender, puts in protein powder. Neeeeeeeee! Stare down my weak family eating Fruit Loops. Neeeeeeee! “You guys are losers. You know that, right? “All three of you. You’re looking at a winner right here.” We all are in the morning. There’s a different you coming out right now. In the morning, you’re clear-eyed and focused. That’s why you never hit on anyone in the morning. You got to wait till late at night, when they’re confused and tired. They got to lay down somewhere; might as well be with you. [cheers and applause] No one has ever gotten laid in the history of mankind at the breakfast buffet. “I’ll be back for waffles.” But that’s okay. That’s all right, you know? Problem is, morning time doesn’t last very long. Passes out around 2:00. And the guy that wakes up in his place is a very different guy. He is not a winner. That guys is not–he’s an alcoholic, is what he is. Takes that same blender and fills it up with margarita mix and tequila. [cheers and applause] Yeah. [laughs] Now my kids are looking at me. “Who’s the loser now?” Drunk at 3:00. And he’s a liar. He’ll say anything to get me to drink, anything. “Come on. Just have one. “Have one. You deserve it. You deserve it.” That’s all I got to hear. “Yeah, you’re right. I do deserve it. “Yeah, I worked hard this week. I fixed the toilet too. “You don’t hear that running anymore, no. “I did that. “I took the lid off the back. “I put my hand in that creepy water. “I touched the chain with the grass on it. “I did that. “And it’s fixed. “It’s gonna stay fixed… “as long as you use the other bathroom. “Just use the other toilet. I’m not sure what the hell I did.” [laughs] And then he–please. Then he just comes at you. “Come on. Come on. “If you have one, you gonna stop at one? “You can’t stop at one. You think Sinatra ever stopped at one?” “Yeah, you’re right. “I’m just like Sinatra too, “without the songs and the money. All right.” And then three hours later, I’m just wandering around my house drunk, with a phone in my hand. “I wonder if Panda Express makes nachos.” But that’s okay. You have to have perspective in your life. You have to enjoy yourself. You can’t work crazy all the time. What difference does it make? You got to enjoy yourself. You know, if you worked all the time, what would be different? Nothing. Nothing. At this point in your life, don’t you realize how much you’re going to affect the world? Don’t you realize… [laughter] What you’re going to accomplish? Calm down. [cheers and applause] Really. And that’s all right. Don’t compare yourself to the people who change the world. They’re freaks, genetic freaks. Steve Jobs, Edison– freaks. First of all, no sleep. No sleep. Three hours of sleep a night, those guys. Three. I’m out. I’m out. I need a lot of sleep. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, my first thought is, “I don’t think I can get a nap today.” I don’t even know if I’m tired. I don’t even know if I slept last night. I haven’t even opened my eyes. I know I peed five times. I don’t know if I REM’d out at the end. And it’s not a lazy thing; it’s a genetic condition. I come from a long line of nappers. The Papa family naps. My whole childhood was waking up adults to ask them stuff. They would just lay around the living room like a pile of sea lions. [laughter] “Dad, Dad. “Dad. Can I go to Keith’s house?” [long moan] “Grandma, Grandma, can I go to Keith’s house?” [long moan] “She moved her whiskers. That’s yes. Let’s go.” [laughs] And so what? So you don’t work all the time. What’s gonna happen? How’s your life gonna change? What, you’re not gonna be part of the super-rich? Is that what’s gonna happen? [muttering] First of all, that shouldn’t be a goal. It doesn’t change your life at all. And second of all, the list of people with all the money shrinks every year. It’s down to ten people now. In two years, it’s gonna be, like, Bob. Bob has all the money. Everybody, just sleep in. Take the whole summer off. Bob’s got all the money. And it shouldn’t be a goal. It’s just this abstract thing that you just keep chasing, you know? I’ve–personally, never a goal. I don’t need a lot of money. I can live a poet’s life. I really, sincerely could. Don’t need money. Don’t need stuff. Always giving it away. I could move every week. I really could. But, uh, I do not live alone. [chuckles] I’m married, and I have two children, and they are greedy, capitalist pigs. [laughter and applause] “More, more, more.” “Whaaa.” “I want food with every meal.” “Whaaa.” So I work hard. All my money goes to them. Every damn penny goes to these people. I live in a horrible school district in L.A. now, and it was either pay for school or guns and ammo. And they have no skills or coordination, so I’m paying for school. Goes against everything I believe in, but I’m paying for school. My only rule for paying for school is, I won’t pay for any school that is predominantly Asian. Why? Why would I pay all of that money for my kids to be last in everything? We can’t compete. These families are dominant. They kick ass. We can’t compete. They’re straight-A students. These kids play five instruments, five. They’re walking to school. They have an oboe and a violin and a drum kit. The dad’s pushing a baby grand piano across the parking lot. My kids play the toilet paper roll. Literally, we just walk around the house. [imitating horn playing music] “I think you got it, honey.” [imitating horn] “I don’t think you have to practice anymore. “Get some Pop-Tarts. Sit on the couch. Enjoy your life.” They beat us everywhere we go. I put the little one on the swim team. I figure we have a chance there, right? Let’s go to the pool. That’s an Asian-free zone. Let’s try it. Not anymore. They dominated every other sport. Now they’re at the pool. But my kid’s big. She’s got a back like Michael Phelps. I’m like, “We can take ’em. Come on. We can do this.” They hit the gun. Their kids took off like speed boats. My kid, two strokes, drowned right in their wake. We scooped her out, resuscitated her, put her right back on the couch. And we quit that night. We quit that night. She was like, “I thought we’re not allowed to quit things, Dad.” “Yeah, well, I’m not gonna be humiliated “like that again. “I’m not gonna ruin my Saturdays “and sit through that. “Yeah, you lay there “and think about what you might be good at, and we’ll try again.” [laughs] Now–so I’m not gonna be part of the super-rich, and I have news for you. Uh, you’re not either. [laughter] They don’t do this. They don’t come out to the ass end of Cleveland, sit in the dark, and listen to jokes. [cheers and applause] They do different things. They summer. They summer. They summer. Do you summer? I don’t summer. Summer happens, and I deal with it. Just stay in the shade and walk slow. No, they buy all white, a whole white wardrobe on Memorial Day to go summer. I can’t wear white. I bought a white shirt last year. I sweat through it in 20 minutes. It looked like I was smuggling turkey gravy under my armpits. Yeah, I should have thrown it out, but I spent 20 bucks for it at Old Navy. I’m gonna wear it. I just kept my arms in the reason of the season. No, we don’t summer. We don’t wear all white. My family doesn’t have parties in the middle of a wheat field. We don’t have a dining room table in the middle of a field where food just falls from the heavens and everyone’s beautiful and the dad stands up and quotes Shakespeare and everybody laughs, ’cause they get it. That is not my family. We go to my sister’s picnic table. We eat egg salad sandwiches. We push Grandma in the kiddie pool, and her tit pops out. That’s what we laugh at. That’s what we get. “Oh, Grandma, your titteth has poppethed out. To be or not to be in a home.” I say we keep her. She’s hilarious. Puts sponges in the toaster. Who does that? [laughs] Look, there’s nothing wrong with making money, right? You want to make money. You have to make money. I’m not saying you want to be poor. We’ve all been there, right? When I started comedy out of college, I made five bucks a night, five, in New York. I needed the money. It was fun times, but everything smelled like hot dogs, everything. I did. My girlfriend did. It was like, “Are we making hot dogs again?” “No, that’s us. We got to get jobs. This is not working out. We smell weird.” But how much is enough? You know what I mean? How much is enough? Do you really need a mansion? Who needs a mansion? Who needs a mansion? If you have 80 children, you should have a mansion, right? If you have 80 children, you need that square footage. You know what these places look like, ’cause they come in the beautiful real estate section of the Sunday paper, this beautiful magazine filled with mansions. Why? Why are you putting that in the poor people newspaper? Who’s couponing and looking for a mansion in the same paper? [cheers and applause] They always have those perfect kitchens, the beautiful island with a fruit bowl with a pyramid of perfect green apples. You eat one. A new one just appears out of nowhere, ’cause they have an apple boy. They have an apple boy. Just sits under the kitchen sink and waits. I’ve never even bought a fruit bowl. Have you ever bought a fruit bowl? No. You buy fruit. You need a bowl. You just pick it out of the other bowls. Congratulations, bowl. You’ve been nominated. Say good-bye to your friends. You’re the fruit bowl. And fruit isn’t even the main thing in the fruit bowl. It’s mostly car keys and pennies and garlic skin. One black banana from 1995. No one wants to pick it up, ’cause you know it’s gonna split. So if you have a lot of money and you help people, that’s one thing, but the culture’s devolved into this “I’m better than you” attitude just to have stuff. You know people in your family and friends who just mortgage it, lease it just to say, “I’m better than you,” even if they don’t have it. “Just look at what I have. “Look at my car. It’s newer than yours. “Look at my wife. She’s newer than yours. “She might be older, but she has all new parts. “Where do you shop? The regular supermarket? “That’s disgusting. “I can tell from your skin, “’cause it’s splotchy and gross. “No, I respect it. I just can’t do it. “I only shop at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. “That’s where I get my conflict-free M&Ms. Naaah. Naaah.” I’m done with the Whole Foods. I’m done with it. I like eating healthy. I do. But you have to be a billionaire to eat healthy? I’m not spending five bucks on an apple ’cause you thought it was a good idea to ship it from Vermont by bicycle. “Then where you gonna get your kale? How you gonna get your kale?” I don’t know. I don’t care. I don’t even know what it is. My grandmother never made it. My mother never saw it. It just showed up, like, a week and a half ago. But it’s here now, and you got to eat it. Well, how do I know what it is? ‘Cause it takes like mulch, and you feel like a koala bear when you’re chewing on it. “Are you supposed to eat the stem? Oh, okay.” Hard to tell the eat part from the throw-out part. They get up to the register. They put on a whole show about their bags. “I have my own bags. “I want everyone here to know “I wouldn’t use their bags. “I am an angel sent from heaven. “I wove my own bags out of human hair and seaweed.” Get over yourself. These people have driven me to Costco. That’s the only place I shop now. I go to Costco. Yeah. [cheers and applause] Yeah. No one acts like they’re better than you at Costco. Everyone knows exactly who they are at Costco. “I’m disgusting, and I need more stuff immediately. “And I’m making one trip. I brought the big car. This is my only weekend out.” There’s a sense of community when you go to Costco, right? You can’t go there by yourself. You can drive there alone. You’re gonna have to make some friends on your way in. You can’t get a 25-pound salami on your back by yourself. Trying to throw it in your cart like the Scottish strongman competition. The place is so massive, they got to hand out little samples in cups to keep up your strength. It’s like a white trash marathon in that place. “Here’s a fried baloney ball. You’re doing great.” [applause] “There’s fried chicken popsicles, aisle ten. You’ll get there by Tuesday if you keep up the pace.” [chuckles] You get to the register. No one’s talking about bags at Costco. They don’t even have bags. They have boxes with holes in it. “There was a dead pig in this yesterday. “I don’t know if that bothers you. “The cardboard’s a little wet. He was a bleeder.” And they know they’re not gonna live forever at Costco. They have coffins at the door. They literally sell coffins at the door, which sounds absurd until you look in your cart filled with Cheez-Its and Slim Jims. You’re like, “How much longer can I live like this? “Seriously? “You know what? Today’s the day. “I’m buying a coffin today. “You know what? Give me the coffin. “I’m gonna use it as my box. Put all my stuff in there.” Wheel it– [laughs] Look, I don’t even blame you if you’re one of the Costco people or the Whole Foods people. It’s not even up to you anymore, right? You go to a store once, they take so much information from you, you end up in this long-term relationship with these companies. Back off. I deal with human beings. That’s enough. I’m not dating you, CVS. Every time I go to CVS, “Do you have your card? “Do you have your CVS card? Do you have your card?” “No, for the tenth time this week. No, I don’t have a card.” “You don’t have a card? “This man doesn’t have a card! “This man doesn’t have a card. You’ve got to join us.” People coming out of the back, “Join us. Join us.” “No, I don’t want to join you. “I don’t want anything on my keychain. “I didn’t want to make eye contact with you, frankly. “I just want to sneak in here, get this ointment, go home, and deal with this.” [laughter] [applause] “Do you take money? “I’ll pay you money. “I’ll pay you double if you let me leave. “I should be home with my pants off, solving this problem right now.” When you don’t join up, they act like a psychotic girlfriend on your way out. “Well, how about your email or your phone number? “We’re not gonna use it; we just want to have it. “We just want to smell it when you’re not here, ’cause we love you.” Back off. Check into the hotel, “Welcome back, Tom.” “Whoa, what do you mean, ‘welcome back’? “You don’t know me. “That’s why I stay with you. You don’t know me. “I know people in town. I don’t stay with them. “They know me. “This is our relationship: “I come in late at night, “I do weird stuff to your towels, “and I leave in the morning. Forget my name.” Every restaurant, they can’t just come up to your table now. They got to bounce up there. “You guys ever eaten here before? You guys ever eaten in an Outback Steakhouse before?” Just lie. “Yeah, I’ve been here before.” They leave, and they get your drink. My wife likes to be honest. “No, I’ve never been in one of these before. What’s gonna happen?” He’s gonna do a show. He’s gonna do a goddamn show. “Let me tell you how it works. “We’re a little crazy at the Outback Steakhouse. “You think you’ve been eating your whole life, “chewing and swallowing? “That’s not what we do here. “You order your appetizer, bring out a cannon, and we shoot it right in your face.” They all have their own credit card now. “Do you have your KFC MasterCard?” “What?” “Do you have your KFC MasterCard?” “No, I don’t have a chicken credit card in my wallet “with a picture of a plantation owner on the side.” “Well, I could save you 15% of your purchase right now if you apply for a KFC MasterCard.” “Yeah, I’m sure the 25 people behind me “wouldn’t mind me filling out some paperwork and running a credit check during their lunch half-hour.” I don’t care about 15% of $8. I don’t care. I just want to sit in the parking lot by myself, eat it quickly before my wife comes out of Banana Republic and sees I’m not following doctor’s orders. Move it. “But if you don’t use the cards, “you’re not gonna get your points. “If you don’t get points, you won’t have status. Don’t you want status?” Don’t fall for it. Don’t fall for it. There’s no such thing as status. It’s all illusion. They try and fool you. Doesn’t matter how many points you have, where you fly on the plane, what you drive. We’re all exactly the same: horrible animals running around in pants, trying to keep ourselves busy, fighting the overwhelming urge to mount each other and make smaller versions of ourselves. [laughter and applause] All the same. But they try and fool ya, right? Flying here, “Okay, we’re gonna board your flight now. “Not everybody. Sit down. “Not all at once, you maniacs. “There’s some special people here “getting on that plane first, ’cause they have status. “We’re gonna start off with our diamond-crusted, “gold-plated, carbon fiber-based, Teflon-coated, “premier, elite-access, super-duper Douchebag Flying Guy Club.” And the whole place stands up. Everybody has it. How special is it? There’s one guy in the other lane with a crooked leg and a cane. “I have no status at all.” And he walks funny, so they board him first anyway. I travel a lot. I travel all the time. I was traveling a lot last year, and I took my family out with me. Figured that would be a good thing. That was– what do you call that? A mistake. That’s a mistake. That is not a good thing. You realize when you travel with your family, you don’t really know these people all that well. When you’re home, you’re like bees in and out of a hive. You don’t really hang out. And then you wake up that first morning in a hotel room just looking at each other. [chuckles] “You guys are pretty weird, right? “Does the little one always do that? “I didn’t even know we had her. She doesn’t look like any of us.” Big moment this year, though, during the travels. The kids, for the first time in their lives, wheeled their own luggage. Huge, huge milestone. ‘Cause look– yeah, it’s big. It’s a big deal. [applause] Look, I’ve made my own people, right? I’ve made my own people. I’ve made two people, and I am their leader. I am their leader. So when they want to go somewhere, I have to plan it, because they don’t know where anything is. They think New York and L.A. are right next to each other. I have to pay for everything, ’cause they have no money or skills of any kind. But for years, I would have to carry everything that they owned, like a mule, like a human mule. They would literally load everything on my back and then sit on top of the pile like a small Peruvian lady, and I would just walk through the airport with canteens hitting my legs, just standing at the gate with flies in my eyes. And sometimes you see a donkey with flies in his eyes and you think, “Why doesn’t he get those flies out of his eyes?” Now I know. I’ve seen a donkey’s soul. He doesn’t care about the flies. He hopes the fly eats through his eye and devours the part of his brain that feels and remembers. Oh, but this year, the handle went up, and they just walked ahead. I was crying in the airport, I was so happy. Still can’t pack, though. We got to the hotel. The only thing there was a Curious George and some magnets. Really? Two week’s vacation. You thought that was gonna do it. All right. Hope you like that bathing suit. You’re gonna wear it a lot. And I’m still learning about my wife, still learning about my wife. Oh, I married a talker. I married a talker. 16 years together. Still coming up with new stuff to say every goddamn day. She starts from the minute she gets up till about a half-hour after she falls asleep. Just talks… She’ll talk to anybody. The housekeeper at the hotel doesn’t speak any English at all. My wife doesn’t care. “Then my mother said she didn’t like my hair. Can you believe that?” This poor woman’s like, “Oh, no. Terrible.” Then we come home. She starts talking to the cats. Cats, they don’t speak any language at all. My wife just sees two ears, like, “I should fill those with talking noises. “How many times have I told you not to go on the counter? We talk about this every day.” Cat’s like, “Meow, meow. That’s terrible. Meow.” [laughs] Went to Disney for the first time, a trip to Disney. That was, uh– that was rough. That was rough. That is not a good place. They call it “the happiest place on Earth.” For who? For who? Ugh! Look, I love the idea. I love the idea that this man created something out of his own head. He just wanted to create a nice little place where families can go and kids can let their imagination run wild and feel safe for a couple hours in this horrible world. Beautiful idea. But what he couldn’t foresee when he was developing it in 1950 was the type of people it was going to attract in 2016 in the United States of America, ’cause they didn’t make these kind of people back then. There weren’t dinosaur-sized people stomping through the park with their elephant children attached to their tail… Pushing the biggest strollers I’ve ever seen. I had no idea John Deere made strollers. One woman had five kids in it. Fi–I never–I don’t know what you even call that. A pentalometer? A jumbotron? Five pumpkin-faced kids eating cheeseburgers, and she’s plowing through the crowd, knocking other families out of the way like tumbleweeds just so she can get to the churro stand first. Then there are people there, women, who have no children at all, who want to be a princess themselves. Grown women who want to be a princess. They want to dress like Cinderella, but they don’t make a Cinderella dress for someone 48 years old, 6’5″, 380. They never had a meeting and said, “Let’s make more of those.” Does that stop them? No, it does not. They buy that dress. They stuff everything they have into it, and a lot doesn’t fit. There’s a lot of extra hanging over the sides. But that’s okay. They’re happy there. They have their autograph book and their wand, and they skip through the park. Fine. Honestly, I didn’t think I was gonna fall for it. I didn’t. I didn’t think we were gonna do. I didn’t. But once you make your own people, the ads just find you. Every time you open your phone, open your laptop, turn on TV, there they are, just selling you joy and perfection, right? Every time you turn it on, the mom and dad are beautiful, perfect teeth and hair, clothes. “I love you.” “No, I love you.” “You’re beautiful.” “No, you’re beautiful.” “Our kids are beautiful.” And the kids are holding Mickey’s hand, looking back at the parents. “Thanks, Mom and Dad, for not being stupid and poor.” I’ll admit it; I wanted to be that family. I wanted to be that family. We were not that family. We didn’t come close. We were not perfect. We were sweaty and pissed off and cursing in front of the children. “This is your damn fault. “If your parents didn’t raise you like an animal, we would have left a little bit earlier.” And the kids don’t even hear us, ’cause they’re slapping each other in the face. And we haven’t even parked yet. We haven’t even parked. We’re still in the van. We’re pissed off ’cause we didn’t get to park in Mickey and Minnie parking. They sent us with that big hand to the ass end of Chip and Dale parking. That’s another tram ride we didn’t plan for. Then you get to the front of the park. I know it’s a cliché, but you get up there. You open your wallet. They take everything you got. Everything– every dollar, every coin, every credit card, gym memberships, pictures of your family, unused condoms. That mouse rapes you at the turnstile, and you have to plaster a smile on your face in front of your kids, ’cause you don’t want to ruin the happiest place on Earth. “It’s gonna be a great… day, guys. It’s really gonna be a lot of fun.” Then you get inside. It’s just line after line after line. I thought I was gonna beat it. I had the app on my phone. I’m like, “I’m gonna beat ’em.” No, you’re not beating Disney. I’m like, “Let’s go on the Peter Pan ride. “That’s a horrible ride from 1912. “Look, no one wants to even go on it. The line only goes back and forth two times.” Yeah, up here. Then they take you to the basement. It loops around for three days. Then they shoot you out the ass end. It goes around the Matterhorn 12 times. And it’s a bad ride. It’s a bad ride. Old cardboard cutouts, Christmas lights that don’t even work anymore. All the voices are jumbled. [distorted] “I’m Tinker Bell. I’m Tinker Bell.” 2 1/2 hours! Was it worth it? No. What would be worth it? Nothing. I get to the end of that line, there could be naked supermodels with bags of money and all-you-can-eat nachos. I’d be like, “No, not into it. You lied to me.” [chuckles] Here’s what I learned, though. Here’s what I learned. If you go ahead and go–and if you make your own people, you’re gonna have to go– you just want to go once. You want to go once, so you got to blow it out, make it all about the kids, go big. Give ’em your money. “Here’s $300 cash, kids. “Spend it the way you want to spend it. It’s your day.” And halfway up Main Street, they’ll be broke, ’cause they’re small, and they’re stupid and gullible. And they’re going to buy a lot of blinking stuff that’s not gonna work by the time they get outside. And now they’re laying in the gutter of Main Street like little Disney hobos, broken toys, crying, just yelling at the characters. “Get over here, duck, and shake your ass. I got nothing left.” Make sure you fill them with sugar, a lot of sugar. Make them tweak out on sugar. Don’t even have to wear sunblock. “How about that, kids? “You hate when I put it on you. “I don’t want to put it on you. “Don’t wear it. I bet you don’t even burn in Disney.” They do burn, especially when they’re little. They turn purple, and they start to blister. And now they’re crying. They got broken toys. They’re crashing on sugar. And this is when you walk ’em. You got to walk the hell out of ’em. Give ’em the map. “Anywhere you want to go.” “Oh, you want to go from the Cars ride “to It’s a Small World? “Sure, 20 miles apart. Let’s start walking.” Midnight rolls around. They’ve been on two rides the whole day. We’ll never go back again. My kids see that mouse now, they shake like they went to war with it. [applause] I like moving around, especially by myself. You get to see a lot of people, and it’s inspirational. You know, people are good, and they’re kind, and they look out for each other. And–yeah, I actually like people more the older I get. When I was younger, I didn’t like people so much, and now, you know, you realize, “We’re all the same, you know?” You pee on your own leg more than three times a week. You’re like, “How great am I?” You know? And that’s another thing I don’t understand about the wealth. I mean, what’s the thing? What’s the goal? To just get so much money, you isolate yourself from everybody else? Just go from your helicopter to your island and back to your place? Why? We’re only here once. You got to mix it up, you know? Look, I’m not Pollyannaish about it. I mean, sometimes I get around people in a crowd, I wish I had my own helicopter. Not just to fly away. I would turn it upside down and chop everyone’s head off. [laughter and applause] Sometimes. But for the most part, people are cool, and they look out for each other, and it’s nice, you know? And the only bad part: it only takes one person who doesn’t know how to act among us to ruin the good time of everyone else, some disgusting behavior, and it ruins the good time of everybody, ’cause they’re breaking the human contract, which is very simple. You’re abiding by it right now. So when we get around each other, just turn it down a notch. Don’t do publicly what you like to do privately. When you’re alone, it gets kind of weird. That’s okay. You’re an animal. There’s only so long you can not put a finger in one of your openings. That’s okay. Hey, you got a job to do. They don’t make tools for everything you got to get done. Fine. Right now, there’s someone in here that likes filling up his pants with Cheez Doodles and dancing around like a pretty pony. And he’s not doing it. He’s fighting the urge until he gets home. And we respect you for that, sir. We thank you. And I guarantee you it’s a sir. I guarantee you. These other people don’t care. They think the whole world centers around them, disgusting people. They just walk around peeing on things, farting everywhere, letting their dogs go all over your lawn, blowing their nose in the air. Have you ever been around that guy? What the hell? What is– what goes on in your head where you think, “I’ve got something in my nose” and the other part of your brain says, “Blow it out of your face now”? And they’re good at it, which means they practice. Awful people, disgusting people, the same people that curse in front of children, don’t give up their seat for old people, don’t hold the door open for women– awful people. They’re the same people that bring their own smelly-ass food on planes. They apparently think they’re flying alone, and they bring this smelly-ass food that they made in a disgusting laboratory they call a kitchen. Awful. You know who these people are, by the way, ’cause they’re the ones walking through the airport carrying their own pillow from their bed. That’s a psychopath. If you’re a grown-up and you take your pillow out of your bedroom, you better stop at the couch, and you better have the flu. You open the door and take it out into the world with you, you should be caught with a net, and we should never see you again. “Going on a big trip today. “What’s that? You’re so right, pillow. You’re so right.” Look, I don’t think there should be food on a plane at all. How about that, chubsy? How about that? Can you survive without a sandwich? Can you do it? During the Great Depression, we ate nothing but rusty nails and dirt for years. Can you make it to Boise without a sandwich? All right, maybe I’m insensitive. Maybe you have a tapeworm that needs feeding. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on inside your gut. But then be nice, something non-offensive. How about an apple, maybe some trail mix? The last flight I was on, a guy broke out a tuna fish and dead skunk ass sandwich. I don’t know what part of Whole Foods has that, but this guy found it, chopped it up with tuna and mayo, and put it on rye. And he waited till the doors were shut and we’re at 10,000 feet. He released this stink bomb like it was a planned attack. You ever smell something so bad that you just get confused? Your head snaps back. You make little circles with your hands. You just blurt something out. “Roosevelt!” [panting] “Just keep breathing out. Just breathe out, out.” “It’s too late. I breathed in. It’s in me. I breathed in. I messed up. It’s in me. I can taste it. I can taste it.” People were opening their air vents just to get air from somewhere else. “Oh! Oh! I don’t care if it’s from the engine. Oh!” People were putting their faces in strangers’ armpits for relief. You know what kills me about these situations? All the good people, the social tension of all the nice, cool people. How many other people on the flight? 200? 300 people? So nice, so kind. They don’t even complain. They just sit there and suffer in silence. You’ve never been in that situation and have a guy pop up at the back. “Are you kidding me? “No, honey, let me go. This has to be said. “7:00 in the morning, skunk ass. “Screw you! Oh, I’m the bad guy. All right, all right.” [cheers and applause] Never. The most you get, people just roll their eyes and whisper. “Pee-yew, he smells. I think it’s skunk ass. I would never do that. That’s terrible.” I’ve got two people that I made. I’ve got two kids. And they’re going through a weird phase. I don’t know if it’s a weird phase. It’s just–my kids are finally realizing I’m not as great as they thought. You know what I mean? Like, for years, I was their god. They were amazed by everything I did. “He gets food. I don’t know how he does it.” “That’s nothing; I saw him lift a chair over his head by himself.” “Wow!” “I know!” The other day, I was yelling at ’em. I mixed up their names. They shot me a look like, “Oh. Maybe our leader’s an idiot. Maybe he’s not kidding when he says he can’t help with our math homework.” And they’re not wrong. I can’t help them anymore. I don’t understand it. But I have to act like it’s a parenting decision for my own ego. They’ll be like, “Dad, can you help me with my math homework?” “No, I’m not giving you the answers. This is between you and your teacher. Work it out.” Then I’m in the bathroom on YouTube, “How do you add fractions with different bottoms? “Oh, you just got to make them the same.” “How?” “Uh…” [laughs] [sighs] My daughter got in the car the other day. She reached over my shoulder. She hit the radio. A whole Taylor Swift station came on that she reprogrammed herself. I’m like, “No, when did you do that?” And I change it. A Katy Perry station comes on. She hijacked the whole radio. I’m like, “When did you do that?” She’s like, “Don’t worry about it. Just make it louder.” Could you imagine? I couldn’t imagine, as a child, getting in my father’s car, demanding my music, and then, “Louder. Lower. A little louder. Right there, Chief. Right there.” When I eventually came out of my coma, they would have told me a story of how arrogant I was and why I lost five years of my life when I was hit in the head with a pipe. And as the only man in my house, it’s my job to maintain my importance in the family by teaching my daughters that there are no great guys. That’s my job: to teach my daughters there are no great guys. [scattered applause] Yeah, I believe it. Yeah, there’s a lot of guys applauding that. You know. There’s no great guys. If you think you’re with a great guy tonight, you’re not. Look, American men are as great as you’re gonna get. We fight for equality, and we push strollers. We wear diaper bags. We tell you we want equal pay. But keep in mind it’s an act. It’s an act. Because inside all of us is a 16h-century man who wants to burn the village to the ground. He’s always in there, so just keep that in mind. If you have a man, you have a wild animal. This is a wild animal, so use him wisely. You’re in control, so don’t do stupid things with your man. Don’t ask us to do certain things. Don’t be stupid. Don’t ask us to watch the children. What are you doing? We’re not really watching the children, not the way you watch the children. We watch them eat bottle caps and fall down stairs. And we laugh. Don’t ask me to shop with my 13-year-old. I shouldn’t be shopping for clothes. I shouldn’t be in Forever 21, waiting for my daughter to come out of the dressing room. No one there knows I have a daughter in the dressing room. They just see a sweaty, uncomfortable man breathing heavy by himself next to the bras and panties. And I shouldn’t pick the young one up from gymnastics. No dad should be picking up his daughter from gymnastics. I shouldn’t be hanging out with the other moms, waiting for it to be over. They’re all talking about juice boxes and play dates. All I’m thinking is, “Which one of these moms would I have sex with first?” I’m being honest. That’s where our head goes. Not which one would I have sex with, by the way, ’cause I’d have sex with all of them. The weird one, the one with the thing on her eye, I’ll make it work. I can make it work. But which one first, while I’ve got the energy? That’s my job, try and give them lessons, but it’s hard, because the real world starts coming in, right? And they start learning about the real world. I try to protect them, but they start learning about all the good and the bad that’s out in the world, and it’s funny in my house, ’cause they’re learning about it at different rates. You know, like, we learned about Thanksgiving, and the little one’s like, “Oh, we love Thanksgiving. “We love the Indians. We gave them our buckle hats and our shoes and a turkey, and they gave us some feathers and some mashed potatoes, and we had dinner with them, and they love us, and we love them.” And the 13-year-old’s just leaning against the refrigerator. “What’s this Trail of Tears I’m hearing about? We took their land and then moved them out west, then took their land again and then killed them all?” And the little one’s like, “It’s not the same Indians, right, Dad?” I’m like, “Yeah, it’s the same Indians.” She’s like, “Why did we do that?” “Oh, easy with the ‘we,’ first of all. We’re the Papas. We’re Italian. We got here in 1945. We eat spaghettis and ride Vespas. We’re lovers.” [laughs] But it’s hopeful to see this generation, ’cause they just–they just– you know, they’re more tolerant, and it’s not even tolerant; they don’t have to tolerate it. They don’t even know that things are bad or that they hate each other. They’re just nice and nice people, and it’s very hopeful. They don’t even see race. They don’t say “black people” or “white people.” They just say “darker” or “much darker” or “whiter” or “much whiter” or “gross.” That’s how they talk. The first time my daughter ever heard about race, she saw “The Jackie Robinson Story,” and that really blew her away. She’s like, “Wait a minute. “Are you telling me that white people had to let the black people play baseball?” I was like, “Yeah, that’s how it happened for a while.” She’s like, “No, no, no way. “Isn’t it the black people who let the white people play sports?” [applause] She’s like–she’s like, “‘Cause I’ve seen some of our white people play basketball. We shouldn’t do that.” And I’m like, “Yeah, they let us play once in a while. “They also let us make music, and that’s where country comes from.” [laughs] The only reason I want a son is because that’s the only thing ruining our good time on the planet. The only time someone loses it and does something awful, 100% of the time, it’s a guy. And I don’t get it, ’cause I was a man… for a while. I was, before I built this vagina tribe that I live in. You really can’t be a man in the vagina tribe. You can’t. I watch the play-offs, but people are putting bows in my hair and doing my nails at the same time. No, angry young men, I really don’t get it. Just calm down, guys. Calm down. You feel like a loser? That’s okay. We all do. We all do. You’re not missing out on anything. We’re all losers. We’re human beings. You get little moments of victories, and most of the time, you lose. That’s okay. That’s the way the whole world works. Travel all around. Everyone’s exactly the same. Thank God you’re not that happy, or I wouldn’t have a job. You’d just sit at home and call your friends. “Ha-ha ha ha ha. Life is wonderful.” No, you have to pay for your laughter, and I am your prostitute. [cheers and applause] It’s okay. I’m happy to do it. But come on. You’re a young man. Get your life in order. Just get anything. Get a guitar. Get a skateboard. Get a girl. Get a girl. You’re 19. Get an 18-year-old girl. That’s the only age that won’t sound creepy. 19, everything is working full bore. That’s not gonna last. You think everyone’s with supermodels? No. Lower the bar. Lower the bar. Any woman will soothe your soul. Go to a bowling alley. Go to a bowling alley. Go to the back of the bowling alley. There’s a deep fryer in the back of the bowling alley. There’s a girl working that deep fryer. That’s your girl. She’ll be a ton of fun. You’ll get fries and onion rings on the side. Get a cougar. That didn’t exist when I was 19. There weren’t hot, middle-aged women looking for young men to violate. They’re out there now in force. Go to any ladies’ night in any Holiday Inn in Any City, USA. Walk out on the dance floor. Push all the 50-year-old douche bags in their Tommy Bahama out of the way. Raise your arms. “I’m 19.” They will rape you on the dance floor. And look, there are angry young women out there. There’s a lot of angry young women. But they don’t blow stuff up. They just terrorize one guy at a time. They pick one guy out, and they just ruin his life. It’s not nice, but it’s better for the community as a whole. [laughs] But we’re gonna be just fine. And look, look. You have to vote for the right people that are gonna do the right things, and if they don’t do the right things, then you just get them out. That’s just the way it goes. Don’t stress about it. Move it along. That’s the way it goes, ’cause it’s their job. They got to deal with that stuff. We can’t do it. We’re busy. We’re busy, all right? I can’t go out and fight ISIS. My house is crazy. I got enough to deal with in my house, right? You got all your stuff to do. You got to watch LeBron run around. You’ve got to go to games. We’re busy. We’re busy people. I can’t fight ISIS. Neither can you. One of my cats just died. That’s what I’m dealing with. Yeah. Well, we had three, so two to go. No, I love cats. I love that level of intimacy. I wish my kids were more like cats. That would be perfect. Oh, my God. And please, if I could just leave food for them once a week and they brush against my leg to let me know they’re alive, perfect. Perfect. I don’t even know why we have these animals. Do you? It makes no sense. All these years of engineering and walls and electricity to keep nature out. Then we just open the door like a bouncer. “You two, come on in. No, not you, squirrel, you coke addict. Get out of here.” Then you have an animal just sitting on your counter, looking at you. I was watching TV the other day. My cat, looking at me, dropped its ass, back legs up, front paws, just started pulling itself straight at me, six feet across. Didn’t break eye contact the entire time. Stared me down. “That’s right. My ass in your carpet. What of it? What you gonna do about it, go in my box? I don’t think so. Who’s scooping it out? Not me. Never have, never will.” [cheers and applause] It’s a crazy house. 16 years putting this whole thing together, and it works. I wish you the same success. I really do. And the family is a good thing. 16 years in the family, 16 years with the same woman, the same person. Good thing. [cheers and applause] It’s good, and it works. But it’s time for a girlfriend. It’s definitely time for a girlfriend. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to my wife. It’s not fair to this woman to expect her to act like a girlfriend for this long; it’s not. Look, when you’re a girlfriend, you’re motivated. You’re excited to see that guy come home. My wife is not that good of an actress. This poor woman has watched me walk from the bedroom to the bathroom in the middle of the night, underwear hanging off my ass, banging into furniture in the dark, for 16 years. How could I expect her to be like, “Oh, goody, I hope he hurries back”? [cheers and applause] I’m out of stories. I’ve run out of stories. You ever hang out with a married couple, the guy starts telling a story, the wife just starts stirring her drink and rolling her eyes? “Here we go again. Blah, blah, blah. We’ve all heard it, Don. We’ve all heard it.” We’re entering that stage. I’m a comedian. She doesn’t think I’m funny. It’s time for a girlfriend. And look, I’m not gonna be sneaky about it. I’m not gonna cheat. I’m gonna sit her down. I’m gonna tell her my plans straight out. I’ll be like, “Look, I found a girl. “She’s young, and she’s dumb. She’s just what we need. She hasn’t heard any of my stories. She thinks I’m hilarious. She wants to fool around all the time. Don’t think of her as my girlfriend. Think of her as your assistant.” Thank you so much, Cleveland. You guys were wonderful. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-epps-only-one-mike-transcript/ | Mike Epps: Only One Mike (2019) – Full Transcript | mike epps | ♪ Washington D.C. are you ready? ♪
♪ It’s about to be off The Richter scale tonight ♪
♪ Give it up for Mike Epps ♪
♪ Give it up, give it up, give it up ♪
♪ For Mike Epps ♪
♪ Give it up, give it up… ♪ What’s up, D.C.? ♪ For Mike Epps ♪ Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Don’t slow down. What’s up, D.C.? Yeah. You motherfuckers! Where the sexy ladies at? Where the sexy ladies? ♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it and you wanna show it ♪ Meet me behind this curtain right here for about five minutes. I seen some guys clapping over there when I said that shit. Yeah, D.C. up in the house! Yeah, y’all got some sexy ladies up in this motherfucker tonight. Yeah, there’s a lot of ladies wearing them bodysuits on and ain’t got no body in here too. You’re looking like a wrestler around here. You see when them big girls get out the car, the whole car get up like… Wham! Fellas, brush your teeth before you suck a girl’s titties. Now, I’m tired of it. You done let a raggedy mouth n i g g a lick your titties. Now your titties stink. You’re at work, don’t know where you smell doo-doo at. It’s your nipple, bitch! Fellas, cut your toenails. You’re trying to be sexy with a bitch and then cut her foot. Fellas, stop putting that Bigen in your hair, like these young girls can’t tell you did. Ain’t y’all tired of these old motherfuckers trying to trick y’all? I went to see Ginuwine. By the time he got to “Pony,” I seen some black shit dripping right here. By the time he got to the end of the concert, he did a 360 and three Adidas stripes right here on his forehead. ♪ My whole life has changed ♪
♪ Since you’ve been in… ♪ Motherfuckin’ hairline done changed too since we’ve been up here. All these sexy ladies. I like coming to D.C., looking at all these beautiful ladies sitting in the audience. Yeah. I go to some cities, it’s hard to look in the fucking audience. ‘Cause all the werewolves buy all the first front-row tickets. Three rows of werewolves right in a fucking row. And they in the front, “Woo!” “Mike Epps!” I’m like, “How’d these ugly ass bitches get front row seats like that?” All the fine bitches in the back, “Mike!” Poorer than a motherfucker, “Mike!” Yeah, I was just in Arkansas. Shit! I don’t know what the fuck. They ain’t drinking water down there. And two of the girls got backstage, they was like, “What you doing after this?” I said, “Going to bed. I’m not fucking neither one of y’all. Security! Two circles is back here bothering me. Two Cheerios with legs and arms, is back here fucking with me right now. A grape and a marshmallow just left.” Ladies, stop putting them eyelashes on your car. You want a motherfucker to respect you, but your car look like a ho. Your car riding around trying to give that pussy away, just blinking in the hood. N i g g a s be like, “Man, I’ll fuck that car when I get a chance.” Yeah, women ain’t right. They’ll let you put your whole face in their ass and then say, “You a nasty n i g g a.” You’re like, “Hey!” Now you’re riding home smelling your top lip, mad. You got a booty-hole mustache. Spitting out the window. I ain’t never did that. I seen it on Lifetime. I seen it… Shut up, motherfuckers! I seen it on the Lifetime channel. I ain’t gotta sit there and lie to y’all. Y’all looking at me like, “Oh, you done had your face in an ass or two.” Yeah, man. Shit. It’s cold outside. It’s cold as a ho’s heart outside. Hell, yeah. I seen Ice-T and Coco. Man, I love Ice-T. I’ve been looking at Ice-T since six in the morning. You know what I’m sayin’? I’m a big fan of Ice-T. I seen him in the airport with his girl. He’s like, “Mike, we need to do a movie together.” I said, “All right.” But in my mind I said, “Man, they only give you two lines on Law & Order.” It’s fucked up how they do Ice-T. They done cut his ponytail and his lines. I seen him on there the other night. He came on there, “Homicide called this morning, said three kids missing.” I said, “Goddamn.” The man said two words on there, and then they cut him off. He leaned over a dead body the other night and said, “Yep, that’s him.” I said, “Oh, man. His ass is out of there.” Yeah, there’s a lot of old men in here ’cause there’s a bunch of Chryslers outside. They’ve got Chryslers and Polars and Cordobas. Yeah, I can tell I’m getting old ’cause I used to be able to piss from here to that wall right there. Now I pee on everything… toilet seat, floor, leg, foot, hand, wall. You know, the older you get, you get a built-in sprinkler system in your dick. The hole be open, but it come out five ways. That’s why I tell fellas, “You’d better use your penisas much as you can ’cause it’s gonna die before you.” Yeah, man, you keep living if you want to. You gonna be by your motherfucking self. Your dick gonna die, fellas. So if a woman get mad if you ask for some pussy, so fucking what! I’m working on borrowed time down there. Yeah, tell her. Shit. And women tell each other. If your dick don’t work, they’ll tell another woman in the community, and the whole place… Yeah. And you can tell the women that heard about it because they’d be looking at you going like that, “Huh!” And you go, “Hey, that’s the third fucking woman that done said ‘huh’ to me. What the fuck is going on around here? You didn’t say something, Barbara?” There’s some old women running around and hate on each other, hate on other old men and shit. You be in the gym. You see them old men in the gym trying to still keep it together. Got their little cocoa butter on. I know y’all seen them little old men walking around. Always got a saying. “Life is not a rehearsal.” Get your old ass… I ain’t seen you lift shit. And you know, other women come to the gym and they new, you know what I mean? Here come one of them hater old women. Woman talking about, “Girl, that’s a nice looking old man right there.” And another woman walk up and say, “Girl, you know his dick died two years ago? Yep. I read it in the paper. They said he beat it to death. That’s what they saying. I don’t know. That’s what I’m hearing.” Yeah, shit. And, ladies, I know y’all… Y’all don’t even understand. Y’all pussy gonna live forever. Long live… Yeah, the pussy gonna live forever. I seen it on 60 Minutes. They said… Yeah, they said your pussy gonna live forever. Long live the pussy! But ain’t no guarantee it’s gonna look the same. Now, ladies, do not fucking panic. When you pull your pants down and see that little man from The Lord of the Rings down there. “Hello, hello, hello. It is I, little precious.” Look down there and see a catcher’s mitt and don’t know what to… You think your pussy gonna look young forever like you? Cut it out. It’s gonna age like you, ladies. I can tell I’m getting old ’cause I was playing ball with some young dudes the other day, and somebody said, “Get Old School.” I said, “Who the fuck you talkin’ to?” They was talking to me. Age is a motherfucker, ain’t it? ‘Cause you be looking in the mirror like, “I look good.” And when you go outside, they go, “You getting older than a motherfucker.” “I don’t know what the fuck I seen this morning. Shit!” I was playing ball with some young dudes. Man, we were playing and shit. They don’t like playing with older guys ’cause older guys like me, you know what I mean, we don’t play no defense ’til we hit a shot. Soon as we hit, “Get back. Get back. Get your man. Get back.” “Man, get the fuck out of here. That’s your first fucking shot today. You telling a motherfucker to get back? You get your old ass back.” Get back. Every now and then, I have celebrities come to my show, you know what I mean, support me. You know what I mean, whether I like them or not, but they be in the house. Ladies and gentlemen, give a round of applause… give a round of applause, let’s clap it up. Donald Trump is here tonight, y’all. N i g g a s are like, “What? Where?” There’s some white people in here like, “Oh, God. For real? Serious? He’s here?” I can’t say nothing about his motherfucking ass right now ’cause I know he got somebody in here looking at me. Fuck you, whoever’s in here working for Donald right now. Yeah, well, I won’t be getting my cousin out of prison then. That n i g g a gonna kill me. “Man, what the fuck you saying that shit for, man? I thought you was going to visit me, man!” That motherfucking Kanye West fucked it up. He went to visit the motherfucker. He getting everybody out of jail. You know everybody in prison been calling me, “Man, you gonna go holler at Trump, man, or what?” Man, I can’t go stand with him. It look like I’m standing with the feds. Yeah, Donald Trump, man. That motherfucker wouldn’t… He won’t even… Y’all think he down there right now. He ain’t even in that house. He don’t live in that house. You know why? ‘Cause there was a brother living in there. And he be damned if he gonna move in behind a brother. “I ain’t moving in there behind him.” They said he called Obama. He said, “I did a walk-through. You left your wave cap in the bathroom. Whose Hot and Flamin’ Cheetos is in the refrigerator? It’s a German Shepherd tied up on the side of the house. Whose Cadillac on bricks is in the backyard?” Yeah, man. Obama, man. That’s a real motherfucker right there. Hey, man. I miss Obama, man. I miss Obama. He back smoking and everything again. I done see him. I seen him the other night. “Mike, what’s up, man?” ‘Cause that’s how Obama look when he going to cop some weed. He be like this… Michelle be sitting in the car. When he get in the car. Michelle, “Did ya get it?” “Let’s go. Just ride. Just drive, drive, drive. I know the cops are around here. Let’s get it and go. Smell it. It’s good this time. Smell it. Smell it. Let me put it in my nuts.” Yeah, Donald Trump, he mad, he mad, he mad. You know what I mean? He mad… You know what? I kind of figured it out. He probably got a little dick, you know what I’m saying? That’ll make a man mad as a motherfucker. You walk around here, dick little. You ain’t servicin’ the women right. That’ll make you angry as a motherfucker. Ladies, next time you see a man that’s mad and got a bunch of power, and you’re like, “Why is he so unhappy?” Dick this big. Got little dick issues. Look at Obama, man. Humble, got a beautiful family. I ain’t no homo, but n i g g a’s dick probably hit the ground. Shit hit the ground. And y’all know how humble I’ve been throughout my career. I’ve been humbler than a motherfucker. Yeah, yes, I’ve been humble. And if you think I’m lying, I ain’t gotta lie to you. This all me right here. That’s all me, Goddamn it. I’m thinking a n i g g a playing with… Yeah, shit. It’s crazy out here, man. Donald Trump, man, he cold. He told the Mexicans, “Build a wall. I’m tired of them coming over here. Build a wall right now.” Mexicans says, “Shit. We’re not building no wall. Shit. No, we’re not building no wall. Gonna build a wall so we can’t come back over here. Shit!” You see they ain’t built it yet. I know they weren’t talking about black people building that motherfucker. That’d have been a 30-year job. I can see brothers now, “You know I’m still down on the wall, right? I’m still down there on the wall, man. I think I’ve been down there, what? Thirteen years now or something like that. And I got my son on. My son working here now. Probably retire after another 20 years, man.” If the white man build the wall, they gonna build it in a year. Why? ‘Cause they had a plan. Yeah. It’s crazy, man. Shit. All these beautiful ladies out here. I come to D.C., man, to eat your motherfucking fish sandwiches and shit. Y’all got it going on out here. Go-go music, fish sandwiches, Redskins, Wizards. Real pimping in D.C. They got the motherfucking, uh, Ethiopians and shit. If Ethiopians rob someone, they gonna say, “What’d he look like?” They’re gonna say, “I don’t know. His head was big. And his brother work at a car lot. He takes tickets at a parking…” Aw, the Ethiopians is gonna fuck me up now. “You talk shit.” Them Ethiopians get mad if you call ’em something else. – “Somalian?” – “No, Ethiopia.” All y’all motherfuckers got big ass heads. Sixty-five-inch flat-screen forehead. That’s why they always think I’m Ethiopian. N i g g a, look at this motherfucking forehead right here. I got to go like this to make that hairline come down. How many women in here think they the best woman their man ever had? Keep it real. How many… Yeah, okay. Why? Why? She said, “‘Cause I seen the bitch.” You seen… “I seen that ho. You went backwards, n i g g a.” Women will dog a man out for his past relationships. They’ll tell you in a minute, “I’m the best thing you ever had. Look how people treat you now. You seem more happier, is what everybody is saying.” “Ain’t that a bitch. You gonna take God’s credit, baby?” We didn’t know we was gonna meet y’all ladies. If we knew we was gonna meet you, we’d have told every woman before we met you, “No, I can’t fuck with you. I got a bad bitch waiting on me five years from now. And she gonna kill me for fucking with your ugly ass.” Women don’t like to apologize, do they, fellas? Tell the truth. Hell no! You know how women apologize. “I’m sorry. Let it go. I did it. It’s over. Stop tripping.” It’s like, “No, motherfucker.” That shit ain’t going past that quick. We harping on this. ‘Cause when we do something, they don’t let us forget a motherfucking thing. It be two years later, they on their period… “Wanna go get something to eat?” “Go ask that bitch with the blue sweater on if she wanna…” “You still… That bitch is dead now. That bitch… Are you still talking about this bitch? This bitch is out of here now.” And fellas, if you in a relationship, and you ain’t got no fucking money, and you live with a woman, you need to walk on fucking egg shells. Don’t be walking around the fucking house doing what you want to do. You might get kicked out. Women be watching that shit. How comfortable your ass is, and you ain’t paid no fucking bills. Eating cereal and toast, twiddling and shit. Better walk around this motherfucker like this… Women be like, “Yeah. Yeah, motherfucker. Check it in.” ‘Cause that’s fucked up when a woman kick you out and you ain’t got nowhere to go. And you just talking shit. “Yeah, fuck this shit. I know what I am to this family. Shit! Talk that motherfucking shit to me. Fuck that shit. I know what I… Have you seen my, uh… My, uh…” I ain’t seen shit, man. They see the kids and try to confide in ’em. “Everything gonna be all right. Everything gonna be good.” The kid is like, “What? I ain’t upset about nothing. What’s…” “I love you. I love you!” Get your ass out of here, man. You fuck around, go to work and come back, this n i g g a asleep on the couch. “I thought you was gone.” “As soon as Earl get off work, I’m outta here.” If you kick a man out the house and you even say one thing remotely about like you care about him, he gonna start moving back in. “How’s your mother doing?” “Oh. She doing pretty good. Yup. You know they had her in the hospital last week? But they said her blood pressure done rose up.” Like, this n i g g a’s moved… Get your ass out of here, man. How you gonna move back in? That’s fucked up when a motherfucker leaves ’cause the kids really don’t like yo ass. Unless some kids don’t like no motherfucking boyfriend. You in there eating a snack, one comes in, “My mother bought them for our lunch. Mama, Melvin here eating our snacks again!” He on the phone with no shirt on, “Man, let me get off the phone, man. Tripping off a cheese and cracker set, man, you know what I mean? I done ate one of his Lunchables and he upset. Soon as I get this settlement, I’m out of there. I ain’t fucking with her or these little kids. I’m the one that taught these little motherfuckers how to pray. They didn’t even know how to pray when I moved in this house. The little girl was flunking. I got all her grades… Uh, here she come. I gotta call you back. Let me call you back.” You’d better get a job, motherfucker. I got four daughters. I don’t know what the fuck I did, wrong or right. Four daughters. Can you imagine? Oh, Lord. ‘Cause I’ve been running around lying to women and cheating on ’em and shit my whole life. God said, “I got something for you, n i g g a. Yeah.” You know God’s from D.C., he said, “I got something for you, slim. Got something for you, slim.” Four daughters. No more skeeting on bitches’ backs for me, and none of that. Skeet on another bitch’s back. I asked the doctor, “What did I do wrong?” He said, “You got to stop fucking women with dress socks on, Mike.” Walkin’ around butt naked with some dress socks on in the house. Yeah, it’s cool to have daughters, you know, ’cause you get to see your mother in them and shit. You see your mom. You like, “Damn, girl, you remind me of my mama.” You know what I mean? Get to see beautiful things when you got daughters, you know. But what fuck you up and make you mad is when they start dating. They start bringing little boys in the house. ‘Cause you don’t know what the effect of having a daughter is until she bring a n i g g a in the house. My daughter’s been bringing all little boys in the house that look like me. I want to kill every last one of them. I said, “If you anything like I was, I’m gonna fuck you up.” There’s one. I really want to fuck him up. He be walking around looking at me. “Ha, ha, ha.” “This little fucking tight pants ass little… nut-hugger.” I be looking at him going like this… “Gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang. N i g g a!” One night, I needed some weed. I couldn’t find none. I called everybody. I said, “I’m gonna try something.” He was sitting in there, I said, “Hey, man, you smoke weed?” He said, “No, I don’t smoke no weed.” I knew he was lying. I said, “Okay.” And before I can get out the door, he said, “I know who got it.” I said, “Oh, yeah?” “Yeah, I know who got it. I know who got it.” I said, “Is it good?” He said, “It’s loud.” I said, “Go get it.” Man, I’m sitting there watching this little motherfucker. He walk out the back door and walk right back in the house. I said, “I’m gonna fuck… I’m gonna slap the shit out of him, soon as I see him.” I said, “Hello. Who the fuck you think I am?” He was like, “What, OG? I got that.” I said, “Man, you had it on you.” I said, “Get your ass in here.” ‘Cause I still wanted it. I wasn’t gonna kick his ass out that house. As long as I’ve been looking for this shit, I said, “Get your ass in here, man.” Man, the weed was so good. I’ve been asking my daughter, “Where your little friend at? I kind of like him.” I liked him too much, I got a granddaughter now. That weed got a hold of her. But I see all you fellas running around, got sons. Yeah, that’s cool. You know what I mean? Y’all be bragging all in my face, teasing us and shit. That’s okay. One day, we gonna get our real love. It’ll be later on in life. ‘Cause all you fellas that got sons, you n i g g a s is going to the nursing home. I’m just putting it out there. ‘Cause I got a daddy. I want to put him in the motherfucker right now. You n i g g a s is going to the nursing home, man. All them football games and shit you done been to with him. He gonna trick you like he’s taking you to get some ice cream. “Butter pecan.” “Come on, Dad. Let’s get in the car.” “Butter pecan, butter pecan.” “Come on, get in the car.” “Aw, yeah. Butter pecan, butter pecan.” Gonna pull right up at that nursing home. “This ain’t butter pecan.” “Get your ass out the car.” “Butter pecan!” “Get out the car.” “Butter pecan!” “I need to live my life, Daddy. Come on. You lived your life. Get in here.” Yep. I’m gonna live with one of my daughters when I get grown. I’m gonna be living right in her front room. I have a big-ass bed laying right up in her front room. With all my medicines right here. It’s going to be orange right by my bed, on both sides of the goddamn bed. And all her friends will come over. I’m gonna act like I’m sleeping, pull my dick out. All her friends gonna be running past like this… “He’s a nasty ass n i g g a. Get your daddy, girl.” Yeah, it’s fucked up. You know what I mean. ‘Cause I don’t make all the best decisions in the world. You know, I’m a little special. Can you tell? Yeah! Fuck whoever said, “Yeah.” Don’t say no fucking yeah. Who the fuck said “yeah” over there? Somebody said, “Yeah.” I don’t look fucking special, do I? Even with the suit on? Bitch, with the chain and all that? That’s cold, man. Yeah, I’m a special-ed kid, you know what I mean. When women find out you in special-ed, they don’t want to give you no pussy. If a woman find out that a man can’t read, they’ll say, “Uh-uh. You might shoot a non-reading baby in me. Don’t you shoot no dumb n i g g a up in here.” The baby might not read, bitch, but I shoot money out these nuts. I shoot hundred dollar bills out these special-ed nuts. Yeah, I’m a special, man. It took me years to come to grips, to be in that, you know what I’m saying? ‘Cause I used to be embarrassed about it. You know, motherfuckers come around, get to using them big-ass words and shit. That’ll make a n i g g a walk away up out of that. You know? In a real conversation, they get to talking and shit. Man, I backs up out of there ’cause I can’t relate to what they talking about. I’m a special student and I never forget the day they came and got me out of a regular room and put me in there. Yeah, y’all laughing, but that hurt me, that… man. I still is messed up behind this. I’ll never forget the day they came and got me. It was raining. It was on a Wednesday. Look at the guys who’ve been to prison. “That’s when they take you to prison. On a rainy Wednesday.” Yeah, I was sitting in the motherfucking room, man, and the principal, the guidance counselor, and another teacher, they all walked in the room. I was like, “What’s going on here?” And they was scanning the room. They was trying to see who was in the room. They was looking at me and another dude. I told the other dude, “They coming for you.” He said, “Uh-uh, they’re coming for you.” They was walking all in between the motherfucking desks. Ready to come and get me. They said, “You. Come here.” I say, “Oh, man. That’s cold.” They was walking me down the hallway. I had my little lunch bucket, and they said, “Right in this room right here.” And I went in the room. I said, “Where’s the kids?” She said, “This is it.” It was six kids in there. I said, “Man, this is a mistake.” She said, “No, there ain’t no mistake. You was in my folder this morning when I came into work.” I said, “This ain’t right.” I said, “Look at him and look at me.” She said, “He asleep right now.” I told her, “You go fuck yourself and call my mama right now. This is a mistake.” See, the only way women find out you in them special classes, is if you go on a field trip with him. Don’t go on no field trip with them kids. I never walked with the kids when we went on one. I walked with the teacher. Just in case somebody seen me with ’em… I’m helping her with them. I’m a monitor. I don’t… I’m not in there. There goes this one girl, “No, you in there. ‘Cause you got a paper turkey with your name on it in there…” Remember them paper turkeys? I went in there and snatched that motherfucking paper turkey off the wall so goddamn quick. I said, “This is how these bitches is finding out I’m in this class. Through these activities I’m doing with you.” Y’all sitting up there laughing. I’m telling the fucking truth. My mother going to see this and be like, “He right. He… he… He ain’t lying.” Yeah, it’s a cold world, man. You know what I mean? But we all got to get through the motherfucker any kind of way we can. You know what I mean? And that’s fucked up, man, you know. Everything that’s going on in the world, man. That’s cold, man. You know, Bill Cosby and shit. Ooh, that was cold. The bitches wait ’til he was a hundred and told on him. That’s the bad part. You know, I don’t condone no man knocking bitches out like Floyd Mayweather with a pill. He was knocking them out, “Bip! Get on the ground, bitch. “Bip! Get on… Boop! Get on the ground. Foop.” That Bill Cosby was funny doing that case, man. Shit. I liked when he was walking to court that time and did a… Remember? I said, “What the fuck was that?” He must’ve thought he was gonna beat that case. He was like, “Ah!” In the beginning of the case, he couldn’t see. You remember that? He was going to court like this… He thought he was gonna beat that motherfucker. That n i g g a was… Soon as they gave him that time, he was back like this again. “I can’t see now. I can’t. Y’all remember? I can’t see.” They said, “Take that stick and tap your way in that room right there. Feel your way in that cell. You ain’t going to see this time, but you gonna feel it.” Yeah, they did my man Bill Cosby. He in there lifting weights now. One of my partners is in there with him. They said Bill putting about 350 on the rack now. He gonna have a tattoo saying, “Hey, hey, hey.” Yeah, that’s cold, man. They locked Bill Cosby up, man. You know, most of them was white women that did it. You know? All of them was white girls, and I tell brothers all the time, “You fuck a white girl, and you wake up in the morning and she’s crying, you’re going to the penitentiary. Period.” If it’s a black girl, you can give her 1,500. “Don’t ever do that shit again. You could have went down for this. Go ahead and get me some scratch-offs.” Black women will come back 30 days later. “I don’t feel right.” “Hold on. I thought I gave you the money.” “Nope. I don’t feel right. I thought about it, and I feel like I got short-changed. Them white bitches that’s telling on Bill Cosby is getting money.” “Okay. Well, what? How much?” “Another… a… another… You know what you gave me last time. ‘Cause you might have this phone tapped. Give me that same thing… and I forget about everything. You know what it is. Bye.” “I ain’t finna give you shit.” There’s a lot of sexy women around here, and they eating up all the coochie, fellas. We’d better get a hold of it, before they get it all. Leave some pussy on the plate for us, ladies. Fellas, we’ve gotta step our game up. ‘Cause these women come up on each other and put that soft tongue on each other. Women don’t want a n i g g a licking them no more. “Oh, n i g g a, you rough.” Been smoking Backwoods all day. You gonna put a Backwood tongue on… Back up, man. Got my pussy smelling like a berry Backwood now.” I was in a club. I seen a bad chick. I walked up talking to her. Here come Cleo from Set It Off. “She already taken, my n i g g a.” I’m like, “Who is this?” I can see her nipples through this leather jacket. Anyway, I took both of them back to the room and fucked both of them. Yeah, knocked both of them down. It was the craziest experience in the world. Fuck a lesbian. Oh, my God! Feel like I robbed a bank or something. Like, “Ooh!” It was crazy. ‘Cause when I was banging the woman that was the regular woman, and I was hitting it, the lesbian was standing over there naked with her titties swinging, smoking weed, saying, “Hit that shit, dog. Beat that pussy up.” I’m like, “You shut up. You throwing me off.” Old D.C., man. It’s motherfuckin’ D.C. gangster around here, man. Shit. Yeah. See, that’s what I like about D.C. Y’all ain’t got no gangs, you know. That’s what I like about D.C. Don’t fuck with no gangs. I tell kids all the time, “Don’t fucking ever join no association that ain’t got no motherfucking dental plans or none of that to it. Don’t fuck around and join a gang, ain’t no benefits.” I tried to be in a gang one time, you know. We had a gang called The Mad Dogs. See, y’all from D.C. It’s funny to y’all. “Ha-ha! The Mad Dogs. Young’un, it’s luncheon.” Yeah, we was called The Mad Dogs. We had a dog on the back of our jacket. And we about to fight, we say… And one night, I was at the movie theater. I had this girl with me, and The Cobras… There was another gang called The Cobras. They had little blue jean jackets with snakes on the back of ’em. About 12 of them walked in the movie theater. I said, “Oh, God.” And they chased me. And I called the leader of The Mad Dog gang. His name was Fatso. Rest in peace. I said, “Fatso, The Cobras got me up here.” He said, “Man, I’m watching the kids right now.” I said, “This is some bullshit. Now, I’m sitting up here watching a movie, and some n i g g a’s finna kill me, and you’re watching the kids?” “Yeah, I ain’t doing nothing tonight, Mike. We all laid back tonight.” So he said, “Call Scooter.” Scooter was supposed to be the shooter. I ain’t seen this n i g g a shoot nobody. I called Scooter. He’s telling me, “My car running hot.” I said, “You know what? Fuck y’all, all right? I’m out of this gang. I’m turning the jacket in. This is some bullshit.” He gonna tell me, “Let ’em get you, and we’ll get ’em later.” I said, “No, I don’t work like that.” Gonna fucking let ’em get me and then… No! It don’t fucking work like that. He said, “Where are you now?” I said, “In the movie… Where they show the movie at. Up there with the projector, n i g g a.” Yeah, it’s real, man, you know. Yeah. But God is good, man, you know. That’s why I don’t like complaining, you know, ’cause… That’s one thing I don’t never do. I don’t never forget that God is around, you know. Don’t ever forget God is good. And God is, you know… God is tired of a lot of people crying to him about bullshit. He is tired, man. He been working with people since the beginning of time, and he’s tired. At the end of the night, the angels take all they wings off, and be just sitting around and… they talk about people that they blessed and stuff, and God coming over to roll, and say, “Man, I’m tired of everything. Can you believe a n i g g a asked me for some rims today?” God is tired of everybody crying. You know what I’m saying? He gonna tell everybody one day, “Everybody throw your fucking problems on the ground. I’m tired of it.” And when you throw your problems on the ground, he gonna say, “Now pick ’em up.” And when everybody go pick their problems up, your shit gonna be gone. Somebody else gone took your shit and ran. That’ll make you appreciate your problems. You be crying every day about your shit. There’s somebody else fucked up worse than you. You done threw all your problems. You’re looking for your problems. “Where my problems at?” And your buddy says, “Somebody ran off with your shit, and left you theirs.” Now you walking around like this. “Has anybody seen my problems? Man, they left me with this shit.” That’s how somebody with a bad hip spin around. “Tony!” “What’s going on?” Ladies, would you fuck a man that had a billion dollars like this? Tell the truth. Lying ass… Look, look. They said they will. Look at that. You be talking about, “Girl, that walk is kind of cute that he got.” You know when a n i g g a put Gucci on, it’ll take all that away. “He got the new Gucci on.” That n i g g a like, “Yeah.” I fell in love with a skeezer one time and didn’t know it. Me too! You did too? Is that her you sitting with right there? Shit! He like this, “Me too.” Her breath over there, dicky as a motherfucker. Yeah, I fell in love with a motherfucking skeezer and didn’t know it. I took her to a picnic, and everybody was laughing at me. I was like, “What the fuck is so funny?” N i g g a s was like, “Oh, Mike. Oh.” I was like, “What?” “Nothing, man. Just do your thing. Do your thing, Mike.” I was like, “Something the fuck ain’t right.” I told her, “Come here. I need to talk to you. Is there something I need to know?” She said, “Mike, I wanted to tell you. I know everybody. That’s all I wanted to tell you.” I said, “I’ve gotta go find me an old antibiotic in the house somewhere.” There’s some old tetracycline up in there. Yeah, I love D.C. This ain’t the strip club city, though. They took me to… What’s it called? Live? Uh… Stadium! Stadium. Yeah. The Stadium. Yeah. They took me to the Stadium. Yeah, that was all right, you know. But they’ve got some strip clubs in D.C. that don’t even need to exist. What’s the name of that other one? They need to throw a bomb up in there and blow that motherfucker clean out. It is hazardous in there. It’s unhealthy. The sanitation ain’t right. They got three shifts of women working in there, all related. Yeah. Daughter, momma and grandmama at this one strip club I go to. The daughter work grave shift. Yeah, eleven ’til seven in the morning. The momma work three ’til eleven. Ain’t playing nothing but Keith Sweat and Baby Bash and shit in there. The grandmama work during the day. Them old strippers work from ten to two. Them motherfuckers be out there… Old Margaret. Ain’t no music on. Price Is Right be on TV. Is this bitch dancing on top of me, talking about “The Guiding Light, sponsored by Charmin, the quicker picker-upper.”? She giving you a dance with People’s Court on. “These cases are real.” I see why there’s so much crime in y’all city. The police ain’t shit. Not the ones in here. That’s my man and them. Y’all police is n i g g a s, man. Them n i g g a s got dreadlocks and shit. “Yo, shorty. What the fuck wrong with you, shorty? Driving a motherfucking car like that, shorty.” You ain’t a police, man. ‘Cause if the police jump behind motherfucking n i g g a s, they call their mama. “Mama, the police behind me.” “Oh, Lord. Where you at?” “They behind me.” “Oh, my God. It’s time for your prayer, Corey. Remember what the prayer was?” She tell your daddy, “Ray, they got him.” Them black daddies be glad you going to jail. “That’s good enough for his ass. Let him go down there and clear shit up. This is good. He can go down there and get him a trade. Get that n i g g a’s ass out of this house. Sucking up all my heat and food. Let his ass go down there… and clear shit up.” Your mother be, “Oh, don’t say that, Ray. He’s in school.” “That n i g g a ain’t in no school. Shit.” “She’ll believe anything that n i g g a say.” “He’s a good son, Ray.” The Mexicans get pulled over and ain’t got no license, registration or nothing. They be like this when the police pull up… “Do you have license, registration?” “Yes.” “Did you hear what the fuck I just said?” “Yes.” “Do you understand English?” “Yes.” “Are you fucking with me?” “Yes.” “Do you know you’re going to jail?” “Yes.” “Step out the car.” “No, no, no, no. Ah… no, no, no, no. Ah! White people get pulled over by the police, they get out and be talking to ’em. “How’s everything going?” What the fuck is this? They out there talking to each other. There’s a lot of old women in here, man. You know what I mean? I love that. I love to see grandmas and mamas and shit out here in the audience. You know, excuse my language. You know, but y’all did some of the same shit we did. A lot of you, you only know your grandma as who she is now. You didn’t meet her ’til she was 50. You don’t know who the fuck she is. She just turned to God when you was born. Old women ain’t scared of shit. There’d be a rat in the house. They’d be like, “Go on, now.” Did she just tell a rat to “go on, now?” And they don’t be scared of no motherfucking burglars either. There be a burglar come in the house. “Where’s the money at, bitch?” “Who are you supposed to be?” Them grandmothers know about everything going on, and they ain’t never out their house. You ever noticed that? How in the fuck do old people know about everything? They know about who got shot and everything. “Know that one boy got shot, and they said Tony did it. This is what I heard now.” And they on Instagram. You think they don’t see you posting them naked pictures on Instagram? There’ll be a family gathering and grandmother’ll pull you out. “Come here. I want to talk to you for a minute. What’s this shit I heard, you done showed your puss on a computer?” I try to support black people, man. You know. I try to support black people as much as I can. You know what I’m saying? It’s not fucking easy. Yeah. It’s hard as a motherfucker supporting black people, you know. I try to support this black dude, one of my partners. He got a haunted house, you know. He’s a street dude. N i g g a done just got out of prison, and he got a haunted house. “Mike, bring your kids to the haunted house.” Oh, what’s this n i g g a doing with a haunted house? In Detroit, too. Ain’t that a bitch? And in the back of the haunted house is a halfway house. Everybody just… Yeah. Everybody that just got out of prison is working as monsters… in the haunted house. When I walk my kids in there, they was like, “Something ain’t right.” And I ain’t never seen monsters as cool as these n i g g a s. Prison n i g g a s in there as monsters. So the first monster come out like this… “Roar! Roar.” I’m like, “What kind of monster n i g g a is this?” He noticed it was me. He was like, “Mike Epp! N i g g a, you know I just came home? I just did 15, right. They got a n i g g a with this monster shit on, you know? It’s all right, though. Know what I mean? N i g g a gotta do what a n i g g a gotta do, Mike. Let me finish scaring y’all. I said, “Move, man. The kids ain’t scared no more. You done showed them your face and told them how much time you did. It’s over.” We walk in the other room. It’s a dude rolling weed. This n i g g a turned around… I said, “N i g g a, it is over. They done see you rolling weed. Ain’t nobody scared.” He tried to get me to work at the fucking haunted house. True story, man. There was some kids trapped in a fire. This is some real shit I’m talking about. There was some kids trapped in a fire. The fire was so fucking bad that the fire department came and said, “Man, we can’t save the kids.” Hurt my fucking heart. I mean, the whole neighborhood was crying. It’s some real shit. Motherfuckers was on their knees, crying and shit. So the neighborhood… The thugs in the neighborhood was like, “Okay, motherfuckers. Y’all don’t wanna go in there and do your job? If y’all don’t go in there and get them kids, we gonna light y’all’s ass on fire up out here. So the fire department got scared and called the police. Police and the SWAT team came down. They about to fight the whole neighborhood. Man, here come a dude named Shoo-Poo. He walking down the street. He done broke in everybody’s house. You can tell he a crim… He walked around with hospital scrubs on all the time. N i g g a walking round… And seen all the commotion and said, “What’s happening?” They said, “Man, there’s some kids in there and the fire department won’t go in there and get them.” He said, “What?” He said, “Yeah.” He said, “Fuck that. That’s some bullshit.” He took his shoes off. The police said, “You’d better not go in there.” He said, “Fuck you.” They tried to grab him, and he ducked up under them, and went in the house. Whole neighborhood was quiet ’cause they thought he was going in there and he was gonna die. Nine minutes later, came out of house with all three of them kids. Lay them in the grass. Made the police and the fire department look like shit. He said, “Fuck that. There’s some more people in there.” They said, “No, it ain’t.” He said, “Yes, it is.” And he ran in there again, and they said, “Oh, he a fool. Ain’t no more kids in there.” This time, he was going in there to steal some shit. He sees some shit in there when he was getting them kids outta there. He said, “Ain’t going to give me nothing. I better get me something now.” Yeah, I love D.C., man, but… I know you brothers out here better go to work. Don’t call in. ‘Cause y’all got Mexicans out here now. And every time you call in, Hector call his little brother. “Juan… Tyrone called in again today. He turned up last night too, late. He’s off again. You’re gonna get the job.” See, I thought all Mexicans was just grass cutters, until I moved to L.A. You know, you look at the Mexicans. They always portray them as Dora the Explorer and all that shit. So you’d think they straight run-overs. Man, I move to fucking L.A. I’m in the Home Depot buying some nails, and a motherfucking Mexican just walked up and grabbed… I said, “Hey, man.” He say, “I’m getting…” I say, “These ain’t your…” And he said, “Fuck you.” I said, “Fuck you.” So he left. I was like, “Fuck that motherfucker, man.” About an hour went past. I done pay for my shit. I’m walking out the Home Depot, and I see ten Mexicans. But I didn’t pay no attention. I was like, “Fuck them. They ain’t into nothin’. You know what I mean. Fuck that shit.” I’m pushing the cart, and I see another Mexican. But this ain’t no worker. He done jumped out that motherfucking brand-new Escalade 2019. Got a bald head. Tattoo on his whole face. He about six-three. And he jumped out the motherfucking car, man, and shut the door. I said, “Oh, shit. Who is this?” Had a Raiders jersey. I swear to God he had a Raiders jersey on. He was walking in between the cars like this… I said, “Who in the fuck is this?” He said, “Hey, psst, come here.” I’m like, “Who the fuck… Who are you talk…” That’s what I said to myself. I didn’t say it to him ’cause I was scared than a motherfucker. I know a killer when I see one. This the dude that be on Lockup: Raw and all that. ‘Cause you know everybody think they real until real walk up on ’em. You know, every n i g g a in here be talking about, “I’m gonna motherfuckin’…” ’til the real shit walk up. You’d be thinking about your kids and career and all that. Man, I got kids. You ain’t have no kids when you was in front of your girl telling her, “I’ll tear all them n i g g a s’ ass up.” Man, my heart is beating, and he’s walking towards me, says, “You say something to my little nephew in there?” A whole hour done went past. I done forgot who the fuck his nephew… I said, “Who?” I’m thinking he’s starting. I’m like, “Who’s your nephew?” He said, “Paco, psst, come here.” And the little dude named Paco, he came out of nowhere and said, “Yeah, that’s him right there.” I was like, “Oh, my God.” This n i g g a done went and got some motherfuckers over some nails. They was finna fuck me up. This how I know God is real. And I got favor. He was walking towards me, and his bottom lip was shaking. But one of them stopped all of them and said, “Hey. That’s fucking Day-Day.” I was like, “Yeah! It’s me! I grew my hair out. You ain’t know it was me?” They was like, “Oh, Day-Day. What’s up, bro?” I’m in the parking lot for ten minutes, talking about 15… 30… ♪ Thirty-five… ♪ ♪ Forty… ♪
♪ Forty-five, forty-seven ♪ The Mexicans just stand there dancing like this. I’m Mike Epps. I love y’all, D.C. | Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Don’t slow down. What’s up, D.C.? Yeah. You motherfuckers! Where the sexy ladies at? Where the sexy ladies? ♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it, clap your hands ♪ ♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it, clap your hands ♪ ♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it and you wanna show it ♪ Meet me behind this curtain right here for about five minutes. I seen some guys clapping over there when I said that shit. Yeah, D.C. up in the house! Yeah, y’all got some sexy ladies up in this motherfucker tonight. Yeah, there’s a lot of ladies wearing them bodysuits on and ain’t got no body in here too. You’re looking like a wrestler around here. You see when them big girls get out the car, the whole car get up like… Wham! Fellas, brush your teeth before you suck a girl’s titties. Now, I’m tired of it. You done let a raggedy mouth n i g g a lick your titties. Now your titties stink. You’re at work, don’t know where you smell doo-doo at. It’s your nipple, bitch! Fellas, cut your toenails. You’re trying to be sexy with a bitch and then cut her foot. Fellas, stop putting that Bigen in your hair, like these young girls can’t tell you did. Ain’t y’all tired of these old motherfuckers trying to trick y’all? I went to see Ginuwine. By the time he got to “Pony,” I seen some black shit dripping right here. By the time he got to the end of the concert, he did a 360 and three Adidas stripes right here on his forehead. ♪ My whole life has changed ♪ ♪ Since you’ve been in… ♪ Motherfuckin’ hairline done changed too since we’ve been up here. All these sexy ladies. I like coming to D.C., looking at all these beautiful ladies sitting in the audience. Yeah. I go to some cities, it’s hard to look in the fucking audience. ‘Cause all the werewolves buy all the first front-row tickets. Three rows of werewolves right in a fucking row. And they in the front, “Woo!” “Mike Epps!” I’m like, “How’d these ugly ass bitches get front row seats like that?” All the fine bitches in the back, “Mike!” Poorer than a motherfucker, “Mike!” Yeah, I was just in Arkansas. Shit! I don’t know what the fuck. They ain’t drinking water down there. And two of the girls got backstage, they was like, “What you doing after this?” I said, “Going to bed. I’m not fucking neither one of y’all. Security! Two circles is back here bothering me. Two Cheerios with legs and arms, is back here fucking with me right now. A grape and a marshmallow just left.” Ladies, stop putting them eyelashes on your car. You want a motherfucker to respect you, but your car look like a ho. Your car riding around trying to give that pussy away, just blinking in the hood. N i g g a s be like, “Man, I’ll fuck that car when I get a chance.” Yeah, women ain’t right. They’ll let you put your whole face in their ass and then say, “You a nasty n i g g a.” You’re like, “Hey!” Now you’re riding home smelling your top lip, mad. You got a booty-hole mustache. Spitting out the window. I ain’t never did that. I seen it on Lifetime. I seen it… Shut up, motherfuckers! I seen it on the Lifetime channel. I ain’t gotta sit there and lie to y’all. Y’all looking at me like, “Oh, you done had your face in an ass or two.” Yeah, man. Shit. It’s cold outside. It’s cold as a ho’s heart outside. Hell, yeah. I seen Ice-T and Coco. Man, I love Ice-T. I’ve been looking at Ice-T since six in the morning. You know what I’m sayin’? I’m a big fan of Ice-T. I seen him in the airport with his girl. He’s like, “Mike, we need to do a movie together.” I said, “All right.” But in my mind I said, “Man, they only give you two lines on Law & Order.” It’s fucked up how they do Ice-T. They done cut his ponytail and his lines. I seen him on there the other night. He came on there, “Homicide called this morning, said three kids missing.” I said, “Goddamn.” The man said two words on there, and then they cut him off. He leaned over a dead body the other night and said, “Yep, that’s him.” I said, “Oh, man. His ass is out of there.” Yeah, there’s a lot of old men in here ’cause there’s a bunch of Chryslers outside. They’ve got Chryslers and Polars and Cordobas. Yeah, I can tell I’m getting old ’cause I used to be able to piss from here to that wall right there. Now I pee on everything… toilet seat, floor, leg, foot, hand, wall. You know, the older you get, you get a built-in sprinkler system in your dick. The hole be open, but it come out five ways. That’s why I tell fellas, “You’d better use your penisas much as you can ’cause it’s gonna die before you.” Yeah, man, you keep living if you want to. You gonna be by your motherfucking self. Your dick gonna die, fellas. So if a woman get mad if you ask for some pussy, so fucking what! I’m working on borrowed time down there. Yeah, tell her. Shit. And women tell each other. If your dick don’t work, they’ll tell another woman in the community, and the whole place… Yeah. And you can tell the women that heard about it because they’d be looking at you going like that, “Huh!” And you go, “Hey, that’s the third fucking woman that done said ‘huh’ to me. What the fuck is going on around here? You didn’t say something, Barbara?” There’s some old women running around and hate on each other, hate on other old men and shit. You be in the gym. You see them old men in the gym trying to still keep it together. Got their little cocoa butter on. I know y’all seen them little old men walking around. Always got a saying. “Life is not a rehearsal.” Get your old ass… I ain’t seen you lift shit. And you know, other women come to the gym and they new, you know what I mean? Here come one of them hater old women. Woman talking about, “Girl, that’s a nice looking old man right there.” And another woman walk up and say, “Girl, you know his dick died two years ago? Yep. I read it in the paper. They said he beat it to death. That’s what they saying. I don’t know. That’s what I’m hearing.” Yeah, shit. And, ladies, I know y’all… Y’all don’t even understand. Y’all pussy gonna live forever. Long live… Yeah, the pussy gonna live forever. I seen it on 60 Minutes. They said… Yeah, they said your pussy gonna live forever. Long live the pussy! But ain’t no guarantee it’s gonna look the same. Now, ladies, do not fucking panic. When you pull your pants down and see that little man from The Lord of the Rings down there. “Hello, hello, hello. It is I, little precious.” Look down there and see a catcher’s mitt and don’t know what to… You think your pussy gonna look young forever like you? Cut it out. It’s gonna age like you, ladies. I can tell I’m getting old ’cause I was playing ball with some young dudes the other day, and somebody said, “Get Old School.” I said, “Who the fuck you talkin’ to?” They was talking to me. Age is a motherfucker, ain’t it? ‘Cause you be looking in the mirror like, “I look good.” And when you go outside, they go, “You getting older than a motherfucker.” “I don’t know what the fuck I seen this morning. Shit!” I was playing ball with some young dudes. Man, we were playing and shit. They don’t like playing with older guys ’cause older guys like me, you know what I mean, we don’t play no defense ’til we hit a shot. Soon as we hit, “Get back. Get back. Get your man. Get back.” “Man, get the fuck out of here. That’s your first fucking shot today. You telling a motherfucker to get back? You get your old ass back.” Get back. Every now and then, I have celebrities come to my show, you know what I mean, support me. You know what I mean, whether I like them or not, but they be in the house. Ladies and gentlemen, give a round of applause… give a round of applause, let’s clap it up. Donald Trump is here tonight, y’all. N i g g a s are like, “What? Where?” There’s some white people in here like, “Oh, God. For real? Serious? He’s here?” I can’t say nothing about his motherfucking ass right now ’cause I know he got somebody in here looking at me. Fuck you, whoever’s in here working for Donald right now. Yeah, well, I won’t be getting my cousin out of prison then. That n i g g a gonna kill me. “Man, what the fuck you saying that shit for, man? I thought you was going to visit me, man!” That motherfucking Kanye West fucked it up. He went to visit the motherfucker. He getting everybody out of jail. You know everybody in prison been calling me, “Man, you gonna go holler at Trump, man, or what?” Man, I can’t go stand with him. It look like I’m standing with the feds. Yeah, Donald Trump, man. That motherfucker wouldn’t… He won’t even… Y’all think he down there right now. He ain’t even in that house. He don’t live in that house. You know why? ‘Cause there was a brother living in there. And he be damned if he gonna move in behind a brother. “I ain’t moving in there behind him.” They said he called Obama. He said, “I did a walk-through. You left your wave cap in the bathroom. Whose Hot and Flamin’ Cheetos is in the refrigerator? It’s a German Shepherd tied up on the side of the house. Whose Cadillac on bricks is in the backyard?” Yeah, man. Obama, man. That’s a real motherfucker right there. Hey, man. I miss Obama, man. I miss Obama. He back smoking and everything again. I done see him. I seen him the other night. “Mike, what’s up, man?” ‘Cause that’s how Obama look when he going to cop some weed. He be like this… Michelle be sitting in the car. When he get in the car. Michelle, “Did ya get it?” “Let’s go. Just ride. Just drive, drive, drive. I know the cops are around here. Let’s get it and go. Smell it. It’s good this time. Smell it. Smell it. Let me put it in my nuts.” Yeah, Donald Trump, he mad, he mad, he mad. You know what I mean? He mad… You know what? I kind of figured it out. He probably got a little dick, you know what I’m saying? That’ll make a man mad as a motherfucker. You walk around here, dick little. You ain’t servicin’ the women right. That’ll make you angry as a motherfucker. Ladies, next time you see a man that’s mad and got a bunch of power, and you’re like, “Why is he so unhappy?” Dick this big. Got little dick issues. Look at Obama, man. Humble, got a beautiful family. I ain’t no homo, but n i g g a’s dick probably hit the ground. Shit hit the ground. And y’all know how humble I’ve been throughout my career. I’ve been humbler than a motherfucker. Yeah, yes, I’ve been humble. And if you think I’m lying, I ain’t gotta lie to you. This all me right here. That’s all me, Goddamn it. I’m thinking a n i g g a playing with… Yeah, shit. It’s crazy out here, man. Donald Trump, man, he cold. He told the Mexicans, “Build a wall. I’m tired of them coming over here. Build a wall right now.” Mexicans says, “Shit. We’re not building no wall. Shit. No, we’re not building no wall. Gonna build a wall so we can’t come back over here. Shit!” You see they ain’t built it yet. I know they weren’t talking about black people building that motherfucker. That’d have been a 30-year job. I can see brothers now, “You know I’m still down on the wall, right? I’m still down there on the wall, man. I think I’ve been down there, what? Thirteen years now or something like that. And I got my son on. My son working here now. Probably retire after another 20 years, man.” If the white man build the wall, they gonna build it in a year. Why? ‘Cause they had a plan. Yeah. It’s crazy, man. Shit. All these beautiful ladies out here. I come to D.C., man, to eat your motherfucking fish sandwiches and shit. Y’all got it going on out here. Go-go music, fish sandwiches, Redskins, Wizards. Real pimping in D.C. They got the motherfucking, uh, Ethiopians and shit. If Ethiopians rob someone, they gonna say, “What’d he look like?” They’re gonna say, “I don’t know. His head was big. And his brother work at a car lot. He takes tickets at a parking…” Aw, the Ethiopians is gonna fuck me up now. “You talk shit.” Them Ethiopians get mad if you call ’em something else. – “Somalian?” – “No, Ethiopia.” All y’all motherfuckers got big ass heads. Sixty-five-inch flat-screen forehead. That’s why they always think I’m Ethiopian. N i g g a, look at this motherfucking forehead right here. I got to go like this to make that hairline come down. How many women in here think they the best woman their man ever had? Keep it real. How many… Yeah, okay. Why? Why? She said, “‘Cause I seen the bitch.” You seen… “I seen that ho. You went backwards, n i g g a.” Women will dog a man out for his past relationships. They’ll tell you in a minute, “I’m the best thing you ever had. Look how people treat you now. You seem more happier, is what everybody is saying.” “Ain’t that a bitch. You gonna take God’s credit, baby?” We didn’t know we was gonna meet y’all ladies. If we knew we was gonna meet you, we’d have told every woman before we met you, “No, I can’t fuck with you. I got a bad bitch waiting on me five years from now. And she gonna kill me for fucking with your ugly ass.” Women don’t like to apologize, do they, fellas? Tell the truth. Hell no! You know how women apologize. “I’m sorry. Let it go. I did it. It’s over. Stop tripping.” It’s like, “No, motherfucker.” That shit ain’t going past that quick. We harping on this. ‘Cause when we do something, they don’t let us forget a motherfucking thing. It be two years later, they on their period… “Wanna go get something to eat?” “Go ask that bitch with the blue sweater on if she wanna…” “You still… That bitch is dead now. That bitch… Are you still talking about this bitch? This bitch is out of here now.” And fellas, if you in a relationship, and you ain’t got no fucking money, and you live with a woman, you need to walk on fucking egg shells. Don’t be walking around the fucking house doing what you want to do. You might get kicked out. Women be watching that shit. How comfortable your ass is, and you ain’t paid no fucking bills. Eating cereal and toast, twiddling and shit. Better walk around this motherfucker like this… Women be like, “Yeah. Yeah, motherfucker. Check it in.” ‘Cause that’s fucked up when a woman kick you out and you ain’t got nowhere to go. And you just talking shit. “Yeah, fuck this shit. I know what I am to this family. Shit! Talk that motherfucking shit to me. Fuck that shit. I know what I… Have you seen my, uh… My, uh…” I ain’t seen shit, man. They see the kids and try to confide in ’em. “Everything gonna be all right. Everything gonna be good.” The kid is like, “What? I ain’t upset about nothing. What’s…” “I love you. I love you!” Get your ass out of here, man. You fuck around, go to work and come back, this n i g g a asleep on the couch. “I thought you was gone.” “As soon as Earl get off work, I’m outta here.” If you kick a man out the house and you even say one thing remotely about like you care about him, he gonna start moving back in. “How’s your mother doing?” “Oh. She doing pretty good. Yup. You know they had her in the hospital last week? But they said her blood pressure done rose up.” Like, this n i g g a’s moved… Get your ass out of here, man. How you gonna move back in? That’s fucked up when a motherfucker leaves ’cause the kids really don’t like yo ass. Unless some kids don’t like no motherfucking boyfriend. You in there eating a snack, one comes in, “My mother bought them for our lunch. Mama, Melvin here eating our snacks again!” He on the phone with no shirt on, “Man, let me get off the phone, man. Tripping off a cheese and cracker set, man, you know what I mean? I done ate one of his Lunchables and he upset. Soon as I get this settlement, I’m out of there. I ain’t fucking with her or these little kids. I’m the one that taught these little motherfuckers how to pray. They didn’t even know how to pray when I moved in this house. The little girl was flunking. I got all her grades… Uh, here she come. I gotta call you back. Let me call you back.” You’d better get a job, motherfucker. I got four daughters. I don’t know what the fuck I did, wrong or right. Four daughters. Can you imagine? Oh, Lord. ‘Cause I’ve been running around lying to women and cheating on ’em and shit my whole life. God said, “I got something for you, n i g g a. Yeah.” You know God’s from D.C., he said, “I got something for you, slim. Got something for you, slim.” Four daughters. No more skeeting on bitches’ backs for me, and none of that. Skeet on another bitch’s back. I asked the doctor, “What did I do wrong?” He said, “You got to stop fucking women with dress socks on, Mike.” Walkin’ around butt naked with some dress socks on in the house. Yeah, it’s cool to have daughters, you know, ’cause you get to see your mother in them and shit. You see your mom. You like, “Damn, girl, you remind me of my mama.” You know what I mean? Get to see beautiful things when you got daughters, you know. But what fuck you up and make you mad is when they start dating. They start bringing little boys in the house. ‘Cause you don’t know what the effect of having a daughter is until she bring a n i g g a in the house. My daughter’s been bringing all little boys in the house that look like me. I want to kill every last one of them. I said, “If you anything like I was, I’m gonna fuck you up.” There’s one. I really want to fuck him up. He be walking around looking at me. “Ha, ha, ha.” “This little fucking tight pants ass little… nut-hugger.” I be looking at him going like this… “Gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang. N i g g a!” One night, I needed some weed. I couldn’t find none. I called everybody. I said, “I’m gonna try something.” He was sitting in there, I said, “Hey, man, you smoke weed?” He said, “No, I don’t smoke no weed.” I knew he was lying. I said, “Okay.” And before I can get out the door, he said, “I know who got it.” I said, “Oh, yeah?” “Yeah, I know who got it. I know who got it.” I said, “Is it good?” He said, “It’s loud.” I said, “Go get it.” Man, I’m sitting there watching this little motherfucker. He walk out the back door and walk right back in the house. I said, “I’m gonna fuck… I’m gonna slap the shit out of him, soon as I see him.” I said, “Hello. Who the fuck you think I am?” He was like, “What, OG? I got that.” I said, “Man, you had it on you.” I said, “Get your ass in here.” ‘Cause I still wanted it. I wasn’t gonna kick his ass out that house. As long as I’ve been looking for this shit, I said, “Get your ass in here, man.” Man, the weed was so good. I’ve been asking my daughter, “Where your little friend at? I kind of like him.” I liked him too much, I got a granddaughter now. That weed got a hold of her. But I see all you fellas running around, got sons. Yeah, that’s cool. You know what I mean? Y’all be bragging all in my face, teasing us and shit. That’s okay. One day, we gonna get our real love. It’ll be later on in life. ‘Cause all you fellas that got sons, you n i g g a s is going to the nursing home. I’m just putting it out there. ‘Cause I got a daddy. I want to put him in the motherfucker right now. You n i g g a s is going to the nursing home, man. All them football games and shit you done been to with him. He gonna trick you like he’s taking you to get some ice cream. “Butter pecan.” “Come on, Dad. Let’s get in the car.” “Butter pecan, butter pecan.” “Come on, get in the car.” “Aw, yeah. Butter pecan, butter pecan.” Gonna pull right up at that nursing home. “This ain’t butter pecan.” “Get your ass out the car.” “Butter pecan!” “Get out the car.” “Butter pecan!” “I need to live my life, Daddy. Come on. You lived your life. Get in here.” Yep. I’m gonna live with one of my daughters when I get grown. I’m gonna be living right in her front room. I have a big-ass bed laying right up in her front room. With all my medicines right here. It’s going to be orange right by my bed, on both sides of the goddamn bed. And all her friends will come over. I’m gonna act like I’m sleeping, pull my dick out. All her friends gonna be running past like this… “He’s a nasty ass n i g g a. Get your daddy, girl.” Yeah, it’s fucked up. You know what I mean. ‘Cause I don’t make all the best decisions in the world. You know, I’m a little special. Can you tell? Yeah! Fuck whoever said, “Yeah.” Don’t say no fucking yeah. Who the fuck said “yeah” over there? Somebody said, “Yeah.” I don’t look fucking special, do I? Even with the suit on? Bitch, with the chain and all that? That’s cold, man. Yeah, I’m a special-ed kid, you know what I mean. When women find out you in special-ed, they don’t want to give you no pussy. If a woman find out that a man can’t read, they’ll say, “Uh-uh. You might shoot a non-reading baby in me. Don’t you shoot no dumb n i g g a up in here.” The baby might not read, bitch, but I shoot money out these nuts. I shoot hundred dollar bills out these special-ed nuts. Yeah, I’m a special, man. It took me years to come to grips, to be in that, you know what I’m saying? ‘Cause I used to be embarrassed about it. You know, motherfuckers come around, get to using them big-ass words and shit. That’ll make a n i g g a walk away up out of that. You know? In a real conversation, they get to talking and shit. Man, I backs up out of there ’cause I can’t relate to what they talking about. I’m a special student and I never forget the day they came and got me out of a regular room and put me in there. Yeah, y’all laughing, but that hurt me, that… man. I still is messed up behind this. I’ll never forget the day they came and got me. It was raining. It was on a Wednesday. Look at the guys who’ve been to prison. “That’s when they take you to prison. On a rainy Wednesday.” Yeah, I was sitting in the motherfucking room, man, and the principal, the guidance counselor, and another teacher, they all walked in the room. I was like, “What’s going on here?” And they was scanning the room. They was trying to see who was in the room. They was looking at me and another dude. I told the other dude, “They coming for you.” He said, “Uh-uh, they’re coming for you.” They was walking all in between the motherfucking desks. Ready to come and get me. They said, “You. Come here.” I say, “Oh, man. That’s cold.” They was walking me down the hallway. I had my little lunch bucket, and they said, “Right in this room right here.” And I went in the room. I said, “Where’s the kids?” She said, “This is it.” It was six kids in there. I said, “Man, this is a mistake.” She said, “No, there ain’t no mistake. You was in my folder this morning when I came into work.” I said, “This ain’t right.” I said, “Look at him and look at me.” She said, “He asleep right now.” I told her, “You go fuck yourself and call my mama right now. This is a mistake.” See, the only way women find out you in them special classes, is if you go on a field trip with him. Don’t go on no field trip with them kids. I never walked with the kids when we went on one. I walked with the teacher. Just in case somebody seen me with ’em… I’m helping her with them. I’m a monitor. I don’t… I’m not in there. There goes this one girl, “No, you in there. ‘Cause you got a paper turkey with your name on it in there…” Remember them paper turkeys? I went in there and snatched that motherfucking paper turkey off the wall so goddamn quick. I said, “This is how these bitches is finding out I’m in this class. Through these activities I’m doing with you.” Y’all sitting up there laughing. I’m telling the fucking truth. My mother going to see this and be like, “He right. He… he… He ain’t lying.” Yeah, it’s a cold world, man. You know what I mean? But we all got to get through the motherfucker any kind of way we can. You know what I mean? And that’s fucked up, man, you know. Everything that’s going on in the world, man. That’s cold, man. You know, Bill Cosby and shit. Ooh, that was cold. The bitches wait ’til he was a hundred and told on him. That’s the bad part. You know, I don’t condone no man knocking bitches out like Floyd Mayweather with a pill. He was knocking them out, “Bip! Get on the ground, bitch. “Bip! Get on… Boop! Get on the ground. Foop.” That Bill Cosby was funny doing that case, man. Shit. I liked when he was walking to court that time and did a… Remember? I said, “What the fuck was that?” He must’ve thought he was gonna beat that case. He was like, “Ah!” In the beginning of the case, he couldn’t see. You remember that? He was going to court like this… He thought he was gonna beat that motherfucker. That n i g g a was… Soon as they gave him that time, he was back like this again. “I can’t see now. I can’t. Y’all remember? I can’t see.” They said, “Take that stick and tap your way in that room right there. Feel your way in that cell. You ain’t going to see this time, but you gonna feel it.” Yeah, they did my man Bill Cosby. He in there lifting weights now. One of my partners is in there with him. They said Bill putting about 350 on the rack now. He gonna have a tattoo saying, “Hey, hey, hey.” Yeah, that’s cold, man. They locked Bill Cosby up, man. You know, most of them was white women that did it. You know? All of them was white girls, and I tell brothers all the time, “You fuck a white girl, and you wake up in the morning and she’s crying, you’re going to the penitentiary. Period.” If it’s a black girl, you can give her 1,500. “Don’t ever do that shit again. You could have went down for this. Go ahead and get me some scratch-offs.” Black women will come back 30 days later. “I don’t feel right.” “Hold on. I thought I gave you the money.” “Nope. I don’t feel right. I thought about it, and I feel like I got short-changed. Them white bitches that’s telling on Bill Cosby is getting money.” “Okay. Well, what? How much?” “Another… a… another… You know what you gave me last time. ‘Cause you might have this phone tapped. Give me that same thing… and I forget about everything. You know what it is. Bye.” “I ain’t finna give you shit.” There’s a lot of sexy women around here, and they eating up all the coochie, fellas. We’d better get a hold of it, before they get it all. Leave some pussy on the plate for us, ladies. Fellas, we’ve gotta step our game up. ‘Cause these women come up on each other and put that soft tongue on each other. Women don’t want a n i g g a licking them no more. “Oh, n i g g a, you rough.” Been smoking Backwoods all day. You gonna put a Backwood tongue on… Back up, man. Got my pussy smelling like a berry Backwood now.” I was in a club. I seen a bad chick. I walked up talking to her. Here come Cleo from Set It Off. “She already taken, my n i g g a.” I’m like, “Who is this?” I can see her nipples through this leather jacket. Anyway, I took both of them back to the room and fucked both of them. Yeah, knocked both of them down. It was the craziest experience in the world. Fuck a lesbian. Oh, my God! Feel like I robbed a bank or something. Like, “Ooh!” It was crazy. ‘Cause when I was banging the woman that was the regular woman, and I was hitting it, the lesbian was standing over there naked with her titties swinging, smoking weed, saying, “Hit that shit, dog. Beat that pussy up.” I’m like, “You shut up. You throwing me off.” Old D.C., man. It’s motherfuckin’ D.C. gangster around here, man. Shit. Yeah. See, that’s what I like about D.C. Y’all ain’t got no gangs, you know. That’s what I like about D.C. Don’t fuck with no gangs. I tell kids all the time, “Don’t fucking ever join no association that ain’t got no motherfucking dental plans or none of that to it. Don’t fuck around and join a gang, ain’t no benefits.” I tried to be in a gang one time, you know. We had a gang called The Mad Dogs. See, y’all from D.C. It’s funny to y’all. “Ha-ha! The Mad Dogs. Young’un, it’s luncheon.” Yeah, we was called The Mad Dogs. We had a dog on the back of our jacket. And we about to fight, we say… And one night, I was at the movie theater. I had this girl with me, and The Cobras… There was another gang called The Cobras. They had little blue jean jackets with snakes on the back of ’em. About 12 of them walked in the movie theater. I said, “Oh, God.” And they chased me. And I called the leader of The Mad Dog gang. His name was Fatso. Rest in peace. I said, “Fatso, The Cobras got me up here.” He said, “Man, I’m watching the kids right now.” I said, “This is some bullshit. Now, I’m sitting up here watching a movie, and some n i g g a’s finna kill me, and you’re watching the kids?” “Yeah, I ain’t doing nothing tonight, Mike. We all laid back tonight.” So he said, “Call Scooter.” Scooter was supposed to be the shooter. I ain’t seen this n i g g a shoot nobody. I called Scooter. He’s telling me, “My car running hot.” I said, “You know what? Fuck y’all, all right? I’m out of this gang. I’m turning the jacket in. This is some bullshit.” He gonna tell me, “Let ’em get you, and we’ll get ’em later.” I said, “No, I don’t work like that.” Gonna fucking let ’em get me and then… No! It don’t fucking work like that. He said, “Where are you now?” I said, “In the movie… Where they show the movie at. Up there with the projector, n i g g a.” Yeah, it’s real, man, you know. Yeah. But God is good, man, you know. That’s why I don’t like complaining, you know, ’cause… That’s one thing I don’t never do. I don’t never forget that God is around, you know. Don’t ever forget God is good. And God is, you know… God is tired of a lot of people crying to him about bullshit. He is tired, man. He been working with people since the beginning of time, and he’s tired. At the end of the night, the angels take all they wings off, and be just sitting around and… they talk about people that they blessed and stuff, and God coming over to roll, and say, “Man, I’m tired of everything. Can you believe a n i g g a asked me for some rims today?” God is tired of everybody crying. You know what I’m saying? He gonna tell everybody one day, “Everybody throw your fucking problems on the ground. I’m tired of it.” And when you throw your problems on the ground, he gonna say, “Now pick ’em up.” And when everybody go pick their problems up, your shit gonna be gone. Somebody else gone took your shit and ran. That’ll make you appreciate your problems. You be crying every day about your shit. There’s somebody else fucked up worse than you. You done threw all your problems. You’re looking for your problems. “Where my problems at?” And your buddy says, “Somebody ran off with your shit, and left you theirs.” Now you walking around like this. “Has anybody seen my problems? Man, they left me with this shit.” That’s how somebody with a bad hip spin around. “Tony!” “What’s going on?” Ladies, would you fuck a man that had a billion dollars like this? Tell the truth. Lying ass… Look, look. They said they will. Look at that. You be talking about, “Girl, that walk is kind of cute that he got.” You know when a n i g g a put Gucci on, it’ll take all that away. “He got the new Gucci on.” That n i g g a like, “Yeah.” I fell in love with a skeezer one time and didn’t know it. Me too! You did too? Is that her you sitting with right there? Shit! He like this, “Me too.” Her breath over there, dicky as a motherfucker. Yeah, I fell in love with a motherfucking skeezer and didn’t know it. I took her to a picnic, and everybody was laughing at me. I was like, “What the fuck is so funny?” N i g g a s was like, “Oh, Mike. Oh.” I was like, “What?” “Nothing, man. Just do your thing. Do your thing, Mike.” I was like, “Something the fuck ain’t right.” I told her, “Come here. I need to talk to you. Is there something I need to know?” She said, “Mike, I wanted to tell you. I know everybody. That’s all I wanted to tell you.” I said, “I’ve gotta go find me an old antibiotic in the house somewhere.” There’s some old tetracycline up in there. Yeah, I love D.C. This ain’t the strip club city, though. They took me to… What’s it called? Live? Uh… Stadium! Stadium. Yeah. The Stadium. Yeah. They took me to the Stadium. Yeah, that was all right, you know. But they’ve got some strip clubs in D.C. that don’t even need to exist. What’s the name of that other one? They need to throw a bomb up in there and blow that motherfucker clean out. It is hazardous in there. It’s unhealthy. The sanitation ain’t right. They got three shifts of women working in there, all related. Yeah. Daughter, momma and grandmama at this one strip club I go to. The daughter work grave shift. Yeah, eleven ’til seven in the morning. The momma work three ’til eleven. Ain’t playing nothing but Keith Sweat and Baby Bash and shit in there. The grandmama work during the day. Them old strippers work from ten to two. Them motherfuckers be out there… Old Margaret. Ain’t no music on. Price Is Right be on TV. Is this bitch dancing on top of me, talking about “The Guiding Light, sponsored by Charmin, the quicker picker-upper.”? She giving you a dance with People’s Court on. “These cases are real.” I see why there’s so much crime in y’all city. The police ain’t shit. Not the ones in here. That’s my man and them. Y’all police is n i g g a s, man. Them n i g g a s got dreadlocks and shit. “Yo, shorty. What the fuck wrong with you, shorty? Driving a motherfucking car like that, shorty.” You ain’t a police, man. ‘Cause if the police jump behind motherfucking n i g g a s, they call their mama. “Mama, the police behind me.” “Oh, Lord. Where you at?” “They behind me.” “Oh, my God. It’s time for your prayer, Corey. Remember what the prayer was?” She tell your daddy, “Ray, they got him.” Them black daddies be glad you going to jail. “That’s good enough for his ass. Let him go down there and clear shit up. This is good. He can go down there and get him a trade. Get that n i g g a’s ass out of this house. Sucking up all my heat and food. Let his ass go down there… and clear shit up.” Your mother be, “Oh, don’t say that, Ray. He’s in school.” “That n i g g a ain’t in no school. Shit.” “She’ll believe anything that n i g g a say.” “He’s a good son, Ray.” The Mexicans get pulled over and ain’t got no license, registration or nothing. They be like this when the police pull up… “Do you have license, registration?” “Yes.” “Did you hear what the fuck I just said?” “Yes.” “Do you understand English?” “Yes.” “Are you fucking with me?” “Yes.” “Do you know you’re going to jail?” “Yes.” “Step out the car.” “No, no, no, no. Ah… no, no, no, no. Ah! White people get pulled over by the police, they get out and be talking to ’em. “How’s everything going?” What the fuck is this? They out there talking to each other. There’s a lot of old women in here, man. You know what I mean? I love that. I love to see grandmas and mamas and shit out here in the audience. You know, excuse my language. You know, but y’all did some of the same shit we did. A lot of you, you only know your grandma as who she is now. You didn’t meet her ’til she was 50. You don’t know who the fuck she is. She just turned to God when you was born. Old women ain’t scared of shit. There’d be a rat in the house. They’d be like, “Go on, now.” Did she just tell a rat to “go on, now?” And they don’t be scared of no motherfucking burglars either. There be a burglar come in the house. “Where’s the money at, bitch?” “Who are you supposed to be?” Them grandmothers know about everything going on, and they ain’t never out their house. You ever noticed that? How in the fuck do old people know about everything? They know about who got shot and everything. “Know that one boy got shot, and they said Tony did it. This is what I heard now.” And they on Instagram. You think they don’t see you posting them naked pictures on Instagram? There’ll be a family gathering and grandmother’ll pull you out. “Come here. I want to talk to you for a minute. What’s this shit I heard, you done showed your puss on a computer?” I try to support black people, man. You know. I try to support black people as much as I can. You know what I’m saying? It’s not fucking easy. Yeah. It’s hard as a motherfucker supporting black people, you know. I try to support this black dude, one of my partners. He got a haunted house, you know. He’s a street dude. N i g g a done just got out of prison, and he got a haunted house. “Mike, bring your kids to the haunted house.” Oh, what’s this n i g g a doing with a haunted house? In Detroit, too. Ain’t that a bitch? And in the back of the haunted house is a halfway house. Everybody just… Yeah. Everybody that just got out of prison is working as monsters… in the haunted house. When I walk my kids in there, they was like, “Something ain’t right.” And I ain’t never seen monsters as cool as these n i g g a s. Prison n i g g a s in there as monsters. So the first monster come out like this… “Roar! Roar.” I’m like, “What kind of monster n i g g a is this?” He noticed it was me. He was like, “Mike Epp! N i g g a, you know I just came home? I just did 15, right. They got a n i g g a with this monster shit on, you know? It’s all right, though. Know what I mean? N i g g a gotta do what a n i g g a gotta do, Mike. Let me finish scaring y’all. I said, “Move, man. The kids ain’t scared no more. You done showed them your face and told them how much time you did. It’s over.” We walk in the other room. It’s a dude rolling weed. This n i g g a turned around… I said, “N i g g a, it is over. They done see you rolling weed. Ain’t nobody scared.” He tried to get me to work at the fucking haunted house. True story, man. There was some kids trapped in a fire. This is some real shit I’m talking about. There was some kids trapped in a fire. The fire was so fucking bad that the fire department came and said, “Man, we can’t save the kids.” Hurt my fucking heart. I mean, the whole neighborhood was crying. It’s some real shit. Motherfuckers was on their knees, crying and shit. So the neighborhood… The thugs in the neighborhood was like, “Okay, motherfuckers. Y’all don’t wanna go in there and do your job? If y’all don’t go in there and get them kids, we gonna light y’all’s ass on fire up out here. So the fire department got scared and called the police. Police and the SWAT team came down. They about to fight the whole neighborhood. Man, here come a dude named Shoo-Poo. He walking down the street. He done broke in everybody’s house. You can tell he a crim… He walked around with hospital scrubs on all the time. N i g g a walking round… And seen all the commotion and said, “What’s happening?” They said, “Man, there’s some kids in there and the fire department won’t go in there and get them.” He said, “What?” He said, “Yeah.” He said, “Fuck that. That’s some bullshit.” He took his shoes off. The police said, “You’d better not go in there.” He said, “Fuck you.” They tried to grab him, and he ducked up under them, and went in the house. Whole neighborhood was quiet ’cause they thought he was going in there and he was gonna die. Nine minutes later, came out of house with all three of them kids. Lay them in the grass. Made the police and the fire department look like shit. He said, “Fuck that. There’s some more people in there.” They said, “No, it ain’t.” He said, “Yes, it is.” And he ran in there again, and they said, “Oh, he a fool. Ain’t no more kids in there.” This time, he was going in there to steal some shit. He sees some shit in there when he was getting them kids outta there. He said, “Ain’t going to give me nothing. I better get me something now.” Yeah, I love D.C., man, but… I know you brothers out here better go to work. Don’t call in. ‘Cause y’all got Mexicans out here now. And every time you call in, Hector call his little brother. “Juan… Tyrone called in again today. He turned up last night too, late. He’s off again. You’re gonna get the job.” See, I thought all Mexicans was just grass cutters, until I moved to L.A. You know, you look at the Mexicans. They always portray them as Dora the Explorer and all that shit. So you’d think they straight run-overs. Man, I move to fucking L.A. I’m in the Home Depot buying some nails, and a motherfucking Mexican just walked up and grabbed… I said, “Hey, man.” He say, “I’m getting…” I say, “These ain’t your…” And he said, “Fuck you.” I said, “Fuck you.” So he left. I was like, “Fuck that motherfucker, man.” About an hour went past. I done pay for my shit. I’m walking out the Home Depot, and I see ten Mexicans. But I didn’t pay no attention. I was like, “Fuck them. They ain’t into nothin’. You know what I mean. Fuck that shit.” I’m pushing the cart, and I see another Mexican. But this ain’t no worker. He done jumped out that motherfucking brand-new Escalade 2019. Got a bald head. Tattoo on his whole face. He about six-three. And he jumped out the motherfucking car, man, and shut the door. I said, “Oh, shit. Who is this?” Had a Raiders jersey. I swear to God he had a Raiders jersey on. He was walking in between the cars like this… I said, “Who in the fuck is this?” He said, “Hey, psst, come here.” I’m like, “Who the fuck… Who are you talk…” That’s what I said to myself. I didn’t say it to him ’cause I was scared than a motherfucker. I know a killer when I see one. This the dude that be on Lockup: Raw and all that. ‘Cause you know everybody think they real until real walk up on ’em. You know, every n i g g a in here be talking about, “I’m gonna motherfuckin’…” ’til the real shit walk up. You’d be thinking about your kids and career and all that. Man, I got kids. You ain’t have no kids when you was in front of your girl telling her, “I’ll tear all them n i g g a s’ ass up.” Man, my heart is beating, and he’s walking towards me, says, “You say something to my little nephew in there?” A whole hour done went past. I done forgot who the fuck his nephew… I said, “Who?” I’m thinking he’s starting. I’m like, “Who’s your nephew?” He said, “Paco, psst, come here.” And the little dude named Paco, he came out of nowhere and said, “Yeah, that’s him right there.” I was like, “Oh, my God.” This n i g g a done went and got some motherfuckers over some nails. They was finna fuck me up. This how I know God is real. And I got favor. He was walking towards me, and his bottom lip was shaking. But one of them stopped all of them and said, “Hey. That’s fucking Day-Day.” I was like, “Yeah! It’s me! I grew my hair out. You ain’t know it was me?” They was like, “Oh, Day-Day. What’s up, bro?” I’m in the parking lot for ten minutes, talking about 15… 30… ♪ Thirty-five… ♪ ♪ Forty… ♪ ♪ Forty-five, forty-seven ♪ The Mexicans just stand there dancing like this. I’m Mike Epps. I love y’all, D.C. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-griffin-can-tell-em-i-said-transcript/ | Eddie Griffin: You Can Tell ‘Em I Said It! (2011) – Transcript | eddie griffin | Ladies and gentlemen, The one and only, The emperor of comedy… Sir Eddie Griffin I want to fuck Michelle Obama. I need her on my team. I’m waiting on Obama to fuck up. That n i g g a slip up, I’ma slide right in. What’s happening, Michelle? You like comedy? That’s some fine chocolate motherfucker. You understand me? I didn’t vote for Obama because of him, I voted because of her. This is the first first lady that is fuckable. ‘Cause you didn’t want to fuck daddy Bush’s wife. She look like she jumped off the dollar bill. Look at that! That’s George Washington! And you didn’t want to fuck George Jr. ‘s wife. She look like the mama on Damien: Omen. Every time I see her face, all I hear is… Look like the bitch head about to spin around at any moment. And I don’t think you wanted to fuck Hillary either. I don’t think Hillary like dick. She wear more pantsuits than a brother at a funeral. Now here’s how I know Obama got some pimp in him. All right? Remember when Hillary was running against him? She talking all that shit about Obama. Obama got the job. He gave her a job. That’s pimpin’. And what was the job he gave her? Secretary of state. And what was the secretary of state’s job? Stay out of the country. He banished that bitch to foreign lands. And the happiest motherfucker about it is Bill Clinton. You know Bill at home, “Thank you, Obama. I can get my dick sucked every day. ” Now I knew Obama… I knew he had some n i g g a in him…. You know, ’cause at first, you couldn’t tell. But one day, it jumped out of him. Y’all remember that day him and George Bush was walking outside the White House …and his swag was on 250? I’m sitting at home. I said, “that brother’s a pimp. ” You could damn near hear the conversation. “Hurry up and get your shit out my house. “Take your punk ass back to Texas. You bitch!” ‘Cause at first, I thought Obama was an African-American. And white people, I know y’all think all black people the same. We just like you white folks. You got different kind of white folks. You got honkies, you got crackers, you got rednecks, you got white guys. Black people the same way. You got black folks. “Just don’t want to be bothered. ” You got old negroes. “I sure wish slavery’d come back. Massa was so good to us. ” And you got African-Americans. “I graduated from college Cum da-lada. ” And then you have n i g g a s. Which I happen to be a member of. BULLSHIT! Translation: N I G G E R! “Pull over… ” N I G G E R! And Obama, here’s how I really knew he had hood in him. He threw a barbecue… at the White House… He invited the NBA, the NFL, every rapper. I think I was the only n i g g a that wasn’t there. You know white people was sitting at home, “My god! It’s all over! The n i g g e r s are barbecuing! They’re licking their fingers! They got collard greens and black-eyed peas. ” Here’s how I really knew he was from the hood. He put a swing set… I don’t think y’all heard me. He put a swing set on the white house lawn. That’s some n i g g a shit! He got enough money and power to send his daughters to Disneyland every day. He said, “Fuck that. Put that swing set outside that window so I can keep my eye on they little ass.” ‘Cause black people, we watch our kids. I’m talking to you, white folks. I’m tired of seeing y’all kids on my milk carton. You know, you just trying to pour some milk on your cereal And there’s always that little white face with he caption underneath it. “Have you seen me?” No, I ain’t seen your little ass! And how come your parents don’t know where the hell you at? You ain’t never seen little brothers and sisters on a milk carton, ’cause if you did, they’d be posing. ‘Cause I remember when we was coming up- And black people, back me up on this. When we was coming up, remember your parents tell you, “You can play to the end of this block. ” Remember? That’s as far as your ass go. Ain’t no going out to the woods. And I remember my mama told me, “If you go any further, I’ma fuck you up. ” I remember one day, me and my partner Don Junior, we kicking it, right? We get up to the corner. Boom, boom. They like, “Ed, come on. Let’s go on the next block. Let’s see what’s over there. ” Boy, I was nervous. That’s when you look down to see if your mama on the front porch. My mama looking me dead in the eye. I couldn’t hear her, but her mouth said… My uncle Bucky had his pistol. He’s like, “I can shoot your ass from here. ” I’m like “Uh, you know, uh”-… They like, “You ain’t going, Ed?” I’m like, “Nah, man. You know, I caught a Charlie horse.” You know, ’cause I ain’t trying to look like no punk, man. “I got a horse, you know?” They like, “Aww, you a bitch-ass n i g g a. ” I said, “I’ll be the bitch today. I’d rather fight both of y’all than take one ass-whooping from her. See ya!” My mama beat me out of the penitentiary. As y’all can see, I’s free And obviously, y’all parents whooped y’all out the penitentiary, ’cause y’all here. We’s free! Them two brothers I’m talking about locked up right now. ‘Cause pain give you a memory of what not to do. You understand me, your partner be like “Come on, Ed, let’s rob this liquor store. ” “I ain’t going. I’m cool right here.” Now they got this brother, Eddie Long. Oh, don’t “ooh” me. I didn’t make the shit up. Y’all seen the story. And, you know, at first, I had to give the brother the benefit of the doubt. You know what I mean? I’m like, “No. Black preachers don’t fuck little boys. ” That’s the difference between a white church and a black church. White churches fuck your son. Black church fuck your wife. God gave that motherfucking preacher the right last name. LONG. And he tried to defend himself. He spoke for about 35 minutes. Not once did he say, “I didn’t do it.” All he said is, “I got five rocks and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” I said, “that’s the gayest shit I ever heard in my life. ” He didn’t say, “I got five bullets. I’m about to bust a cap. ” That guy: “I got five rocks, and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” And did you see how he threw the mic down? I don’t go to church. God don’t live in church. They say the body is the temple. I’m walking to church right now. Soon as you go to church, there’s somebody trying to stick a dick in you, and they need some money. Every war in humanity’s history has been over some kind of motherfucking religion. You know what I mean? I don’t get caught up in that bullshit ’cause I don’t think God ever wrote a Bible or a Qur’an. He didn’t have to write no shit. He ain’t no playwright. It’s written in your essence, ’cause the Bible was written by men. The book of Peter. The book of John. The whole book about Jesus, but that n i g g a ain’t wrote one book. The motherfucker that it’s about didn’t write shit. All the hang-outs wrote a book. “Shit, I know the n i g g a, n i g g a.” And you notice in each one of ’em book, they the closest one to Jesus. Peter like, “Me and Jesus was tight.” In John’s book, “Shit, I was damn near the n i g g a’s daddy. You know.” God didn’t write no book. It’s written in your essence. Nobody ever had to tell you it’s wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowing that. Which means you born knowing right and wrong, so put the book down, ’cause it will fuck you up. It starts out messed up in the beginning. In the book of Genesis, “In the beginning, there was Adam and Eve, and Adam and Eve had two sons, Cain and Abel. And Cain and Abel got married. ” To who?! Where did these mystery bitches come from?! I like messing with Christians, man. ‘Cause they easy to get… I don’t believe Jesus died on the cross. Sacrilege! Wait a minute, he could walk on water, feed 1,000 with a loaf of bread… raised the dead… But you telling me he couldn’t handle three nails? I know brothers with nine bullet wounds still walking around. His name is 50 CENT! I bet you Jesus was a cool kid…. His mama be like, “Now, Jesus, go on in there and take a bath and don’t be walkin’ on your water. ” He in there… That’s probably why they invented the shower, just to get the n i g g a wet. Look at some of the Christian heads in here. “You going to Hell. “Don’t be talking ’bout Jesus, Eddie. Don’t be talking ’bout him. ” You know how Jesus whistle? You know, with the hole in the hand. Look, y’all really like, “N i g g a, that’s it. The lightning’s coming. ” Christians always the first one to want to send somebody to Hell. “You going to Hell. ” How the fuck you know? Like God came down. “Uh, let that n i g g a know he going to Hell. I’m kind of busy right now. ” You know what I mean? I’m made in my heavenly Father’s image. If I got a sense of humor, that mean God got one. God probably up there cracking up right now. “Hey, Jesus, come here! That crazy n i g g a I made is on! “He talking about you, boy. He said you walk on your bathwater. “He said you whistle like this…. ” “Ah, don’t get mad. That shit was funny. It was funny. “ See, I’d be a Muslim, but the Muslim faith, they too strict. You know what I mean? You can’t smoke no weed. You can’t get your dick sucked by a bitch that ain’t your wife. Matter of fact, you can’t see your wife’s face until you marry her. They keep ’em veiled up. All you get to see is the eyes. You really got to love that bitch’s eyes. You be like, “Damn. She got some pretty eyes. ” Then you marry her ass, the veil come off. No wonder they get 20 wives. You playing the law of averages. I’m telling you, I think Christians are jealous of Muslims, ’cause you ain’t gonna out-devout a Muslim. That’s the most devout faith you’ll ever run into. A Muslim will strap a bomb on they self and blow they self up about some Muhammad. Ask a Christian to put a bomb on and blow they self up about Jesus. “Naw, He wouldn’t want me to do that. ” “He just blessed me with this house. I’m sure He wants me to live in it. ” Everybody fighting over this religion shit. You understand me? The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. The Muslims say it’s Muhammad. I say, “Who gives a fuck who the messenger is? Did you get the message?” They got the same damn message. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Science proves that to be a fact. For every action, there’s an opposite and equal reaction. Don’t fuck with me, and I won’t fuck with you. I’ll tell you somebody who needs Jesus right around now. Tiger Woods. What I like about tiger, he kept it golf. He had 18 hos. One for every hole of golf. Now, here’s where Tiger messed up. Now, fellas, I want y’all to look at the woman sitting next to you that you brought here. Look at her right now! Now, you see how fine she is? Don’t ever fuck nothing uglier than her. You don’t fuck down. You fuck up. You fuck a woman uglier than your woman, she gonna be madder than a motherfucker. “N i g g a, I know I look better than that bitch! N i g g a, what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?” That’s when they go crazy. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I look better than that bitch! What’s wrong with me?” You fuck a bitch that’s finer than your woman, she gonna act like she mad, but she can’t get mad. She gonna look at him like, “Shit, I didn’t know that n i g g a could catch that. I’ma have to step my game up. ” Rich black man and white woman don’t go together. Ask O. J., Kobe, Tiger woods. It ain’t no good. ‘Cause white women will set your ass up. See, everybody think a sister is the strongest motherfucking woman on earth. To an extent, that is true, but at least a sister will let you know up front. “N i g g a, I will fuck you up. ” You know what you dealing with. White women… sneaky. “Really?” “Is like that, Tom?” She get on the phone. “Hello? Officer?” “He raped me… ” White women play victim quick than a motherfucker. But that white man gotta learn from you white women. See, when that white man get mad, he get mad. You know, brothers, we get mad, we march “We shall overcome…” You know, we get a good March in, Misspell signs, we gone. That white man get mad, he snap. You know, white women like, “I’m taking the kids. I’m taking the house. We’re gone. We’re out of here, you asshole. ” That white man be like this. “I came from a long line of brookshires. You’re not gonna take my seed from me, Guinevere. ” Now, here’s the one sentence that white man got for they ass. “Over my dead body. ” And that motherfucker mean that shit. “Over my dead body”. I’ll kill you. Then I’ll kill the kids. I’ll burn the fucking house to the ground, then I’ll do myself. ” Brother can’t even try that shit. Sister be like, “N i g g a, I’m leaving you. ” “I’ma kill you”. “You killing who? Let the killing begin, motherfucker! N i g g a be like, “I’m just playing, girl. I’m just playing. You know I’m joking with you, girl. You know I’m joking with you. We don’t even get to the part of burning the house down and the kids. They always try to make it like everybody’s after the white woman. You look at the movies. King Kong after the bitch. You all know damn well this is a n i g g a story… The big old gorilla… He had all them fine African sisters and one white woman and lose his mind. That’s why they call it “Jungle fever”. That motherfucker Kong got that white bitch. N i g g a, he picked her up. Just blowing on the ho. “I got my white bitch! I got my white bitch!” They took his white bitch. That motherfucker swam to New York. They took the bitch up on a building. “Where’s my white bitch? I need my white bitch!” They got some new kind of white women now. You know, I’m in my 40s. You know, I remember when all white women had straight backs. You know what I mean? No ass. Just a long back. You know, you could lay ’em down, get a good crease in your pants. Now they got some ass on ’em. I don’t know what you white women are eating, but keep it up. ‘Cause they’d be walking down the street. ¶ ga-gonk ga-gonk ¶ “You got competition, Laqueisha. ” ‘Cause, you know, every city I go to on tour, there’s always the brother with the white woman. Now, brothers, let me ask y’all something, ’cause I see a couple of y’all here with your white women. Why, when y’all get a white woman, y’all get the ugliest white bitch in town? And be walking proud with ’em. “Yeah, this is mine. ” Holding hands and shit. You know what I mean? Brothers don’t even hold hands with they own sister. You know what I mean? You watch a brother walking down a street. Sister be behind ’em. “I’m with you. ” “Come on. Keep up. ” N i g g a get a white woman, act like he hit the jackpot. “Yes, I got her. ” But when you see a white man with a sister… Oh, they get the baddest sister they got in town. Oh, white boys don’t fuck around. When they get a sister, they get a sistah. And they be walking, holding hands. “Goddamn right I got her. ” “I’m gonna teach her how to Riverdance. ” Nothing against you white people. Y’all just different. You know how them motherfuckers say they don’t like black people, right? And the ones that I’m talking about, I’m talking about you. Not all white people. There’s some cool motherfuckers. You’re here. Obviously, motherfucker, you’re here. But you know the ones I’m talking about, them motherfucking racist sons of bitches. “I don’t like black people. ” Well, why you lay out in the sun and try to become black? You don’t see black people laying out in the moonlight trying to lighten up. Like, “brother, what you doing?” “N i g g a, I’m trying to get that prince tone. Morris day up in this bitch. ” Be happy to be white, white folks. Y’all ain’t even white, Really. Y’all colored. Y’all should all join the NAACP [National Association For Advancement of Colored People] You understand me? ‘Cause y’all colored people. Only white people can Turn red when they mad. Look at ’em. They blush. They’re a little pink. When you hit ’em, They blue and purple. [laughter and applause] Y’all colored people Like a motherfucker. Y’all the whole box Of goddamn crayons. I might be blushing Right now. You can’t tell. No shit. They trying to tell our Mexican Brothers and sisters That they need to stay away From the border. Mm-hmm. I don’t understand that… When California is mexico. [cheers and applause] Listen to the name of it. [in Mexican accent] California. San Diego, San Francisco, San Jose. If it start with “San,” It’s Mexican. [laughter and applause] Always talking about, “my country.” White people, This ain’t y’all country. Y’all annexed it. You stoled it from The Indians. I know you said You discovered it. You know how they use them Slick-ass words. “we discovered it!” How you discover some shit A motherfucker Already live at? [laughter and applause] Using that analogy, When I get offstage, I’ma discover somebody car. Police like, “did you steal it?” “no, I discovered it. I gave the indigenous driver A reservation in the trunk.” My man, LeBron James. You know, the brother went To Miami. You know, which he has all right to do. You know? It’s called “free agency.” The first word is “free.” Them white people In Cleveland got all mad, Burned the n i g g a jersey, Doing little statues of him, Setting on fire. I’m like, “he play basketball!” This ain’t a politician That could change your life. He dribbled. He dunked. Yay. [laughter] You know what I mean? I just want an hour Of my life back. It shouldn’t have Took him an hour, you know? He just sat there. “I’m going to south beach.” N i g g a! If I wasn’t a Christian… And you can tell him I said it. You know what I mean? The reason I heard that he left Is ’cause one of the dudes On the team Was sleeping with his mama. Y’all heard that shit too? I found out when I did the show in Cleveland. The audience told me. I said, “is it true?” They like, “yeah. Yeah. We all knew. We all knew.” I’m like, “and y’all Wondering why he gave y’all The finger and left?” He from here. Y’all his hometown. Y’all love the n i g g a. Somebody should have came up To the brother. “hey, uh…” You know when you delivering That bad, bad news, You got to– “hey, uh… Hey, you know, My man and your mama.” [laughter] “I just thought I’d let you know. I just thought I’d let you know.” And what’s the n i g g a name That did it? Dante west. That’s some fucked-up shit, ’cause that n i g g a, When he play against LeBron, He can get in that n i g g a’s head. He d’ing that n i g g a up. “hey, LeBron.” [laughter and applause] You know, Me and your moms.” You know what I mean? That’s like me and Chris Rock doing a movie together and he sleeping with my mama. I’ma have to rock Chris Rock. You don’t fuck moms. Mom’s off-limits. You can fuck my sister. You know what I mean? She grown. She want to give you some pussy, hey. But you don’t put your dick in where I came out. My man Michael Vick doing his thing, ain’t he? [cheers and applause] You understand me? You can’t keep a brother down. They put that boy in the game. The rest is history. You understand me? And I don’t know why They did that brother The way they did him About some damn dogs. He had some pit bulls. Now here’s the shit That fucked with me. There’s a dogfight going on. He three states away. He ain’t even at the house, And they lock him up. And his cousins ain’t shit! [cheers and applause] You staying at his house For free. You there when The dogfight go down And the bust come. One of them supposed To take the rap. “is this Michael Vick?” “no, this me.” They’d have slapped him On the wrist, $150,000 fine. N i g g a, nothing. They want to make an example out Of vick. They want every black man To have an asterisk. Kobe Bryant. “raped white bitch.” Michael Jordan. “gambled.” Michael Vick. “dogfight.” Eddie griffin. “said ‘n i g g a’.” Tricky white people. Y’all love dogs more than Y’all love human beings. I watch y’all. You see white people. They see a stray dog. You see ’em. They be like, “where’s your home? What’s your name? Let me read your tag. You have a number. We’re gonna call your master. We’re gonna find your home.” A homeless dude walk up. “can I get some change?” “get away from me, you bum.” [laughter and applause] Gonna lock this brother up About a dog. It’s called a “pit bull.” They bred to fight. The dog wants to fight. The dog sitting In the backyard. “I want to fuck something up.” You know what I’m saying? “I ain’t no poodle. What the fuck you Got me back here for?” You understand me? They ain’t trying To stop a rodeo. White people go to the rodeo. You got motherfucking shocks On the goddamn bull’s nuts To make it hop around. Oh, that’s humane. Shut them rodeos down, I’ll stop fighting My motherfucking dogs. I’m from the Midwest. We fight dogs! [barks] Still having cockfights, Ain’t you? You motherfuckers. If I wasn’t a Christian… drink up, y’all. It’s Saturday. Spoken like a true alcoholic. ’cause you know alcoholics come Up with any reason to drink. “why you drinking?” “it’s Saturday.” “why you drinking?” “it’s Sunday. Jesus had wine At the last supper.” “it’s Monday.” “first day back at the job.” “it’s Tuesday.” “kids getting on My goddamn nerves.” “it’s Wednesday.” “hump day.” “it’s Thursday.” “almost Friday.” “it’s Friday.” “thank god!” “it’s Saturday.” “that’s what I’m saying!” Shit, get fucked up, Be somebody else. [laughter] You know what I mean? You got to slave For another motherfucker On the job all week long. Saturday get here, Man, get faded And be somebody else. They be like, “who are you?” “I’m Michael Jackson… Till Sunday!” [laughter and applause] Man, uh, in case You were wondering, “hey, what you drinking, Ed?” It’s called the liquid blunt. You know what I’m saying? It’s Veuve Clicquot champagne. Give you the same high As a blunt. You don’t go up. You don’t go down. You maintain. You understand me? A police pulls me over, They can’t say, “uh, you have some weed On you?” “I don’t.” [laughter] And it’s called Veuve Clicquot– It’s actually the first Champagne ever created. ’cause I research anything I put in my temple, All right? And it’s some French shit. So those of you who were Talking that shit, “I hate the French,” Uh, fuck you. I like the French. If you hate the French, Dig up the statue of liberty And send that bitch back. They made her. If you hate the French, Keep your tongue in your mouth When you kiss, ’cause It’s called a French kiss. It ain’t called A redneck kiss. And put the croissant down, ’cause that’s French too. I like the French. Oui, oui. Tres bon, Je m’appelle, et toi. [laughter and applause] And if you’re Japanese, Genki desu domo arigato. Moshi moshi. And if you’re Chinese, Ni hao ma. Xie-xie ni. [speaking mandarin] But this is the liquid blunt. Now, he named it after His wife. Now, if you buy a bottle Of the shit, It costs $45 at Costco. I don’t get it twisted. I don’t give a fuck How much money I got. I’m frugaler than A motherfucker. ’cause you don’t stay rich By spending the shit. $45. You see them fools In them damn videos. $500 for a bottle of Crystal at a strip club. N i g g a, I ain’t paying $500 For nothing. Suck my dick! $45! And the shit is good! But he named it after His wife. You buy a bottle, There’s a picture of her On the cap. Now, when you look At the picture Of this fat, ugly bitch, You will figure out Why he created a drink. He like, “I need a drink Before I fuck your fat, Raggedy ass. I need some bubbles For my troubles.” You see, I just finished my second dui. I ain’t trying To get a third, ’cause you know California law. You get that third one, It’s an automatic year In the penitentiary area. I ain’t trying to go To jail about no drinking, ’cause you get to jail, Ain’t no drinking. I remember, I was rolling out, man. I’m coming down sunset In L.A. One night And I was high… As a motherfucker. Now I done had a couple of this, You know– [stammering] I’m doing me. You know, and I think I’m doing good. You know, I’m whipping it. And, you know, brothers, We drive with one eye In the rearview mirror And the other one on the road To make sure po-po Ain’t behind. So I’m doing my shit, And I seen the lights. I didn’t know I was in the car chase For about five minutes. I’m that high. I seen the lights And in my head I’m like, “it’s Christmas already? They got all these lights And shit.” I didn’t know till a cop car Pulled in front of me And cut me the fuck off And pulled me over. And that’s when you try To get sober quick. You like… [breathing heavy] You know how you do. “I got this. All right, let me get this shit Off of me, n i g g a. That over there. Stash pocket. Boom. Plow.” And you got to pull The wallet out If you a black man. You don’t want To get caught reaching. They shoot us. “he was reaching For something!” I’ll be having my wallet out. I.D. Showing. Clack-clack. Window already down. “I’m ready for you. Come on. Come on.” And they be asking More dumb-ass questions. He’s like, “would you like To step out of the car?” I said, “well, since it’s A yes or no answer, No, I would not like To step out of the car.” That’s when they snatch Little motherfucker out. Then they try to make you Do the gymnastic competition. You know, Walk a straight line. I said, “hey, hold up, man. I ain’t in the Olympics.” He’s like, “Eddie, so you’re Saying you’re drunk?” I said, “no, your honor. I mean, officer. I ain’t drunk. I’m fucked up! There is a difference. I can drive drunk. I’m fucked up. That’s why I thought I was going straight.” [chuckles] “you’re Eddie griffin, right? Comedian?” I said, “yeah, shit. Why you got that uniform on?” He’s like, “he’s funny in real life.” I said, “look, man”– He’s like, “Eddie, I’ma do you a favor.” “you gonna let a brother go?” “nope. Not gonna do that.” I said, “well, What the fuck is it, then?” He said, “I was wondering if I could take a picture with you For my son and my kids.” I said, “motherfucker, You let a n i g g a go, We can take pictures All night.” [laughter and applause] That’s when they said, “click-click.” Now, they sat my black ass On the curb. Sunset boulevard, Fans driving by, And you know How motherfuckers are. They don’t know. You know what I mean? N i g g a, I entertain, But I’m a real motherfucker. I’m on the corner. Click-click. There’s n i g g a s riding by. “hey, ed, what up?” I’m like, “n i g g a, I can’t wave back! “you love a n i g g a that much, Pull over. Help me.” [laughter and applause] “I’m fucked up. I can’t talk for myself. This motherfucker Put me in the car. I’m in the back. It’s an uncomfortable ride, You know? And they got the shit on tight. You back there, “look at this motherfucker.” And you can’t get comfortable, Shit. And I’m sitting in the back. I’m so fucked up, I’m still clowning. It was a white dude And a fat female white cop. And I’m sitting in the back. I looked at her fat, Funky ass. [laughter] Y’all know my mouth. Some people can edit. It just fly out. I looked at her ass, n i g g a. I said, “shit, I ain’t never Seen a police uniform With stretch marks on it.” [laughter and applause] Her partner Is sitting behind– He’s like, “this motherfucker Is crazy, for real.” They got me down to The station, And that’s when they handcuff You to that little bench. So I’m on that wooden bench, And I’m clowning This fat bitch. The night watchman jumped off The desk and said, “put that ignorant motherfucker In the cage.” They locked me up In that motherfucker. It’s a Friday night. Brothers, y’all know What I’m talking about. You there for the weekend. I don’t know if you been To jail recently. They done took out All the TVs. They done took the weights out. They literally in there Curling little n i g g a s. N i g g a, they make you put Your legs together tight And they curl these little Motherfuckers. I was so tired Of getting curled. They stuck me In the cell With the crip of The century. I got in there, that Motherfucker was dipped blue, Doo-doo-doo-doo. I said, “they put me in With the smurf.” [laughter] Every other word is like, “what up, cuz? What’s going on, cuz? Where the scene at, cuz?” [laughter] Now, y’all know I’m from Kansas city, Missouri, right? This is when I’m first Getting to l.A. I’m like– Bloods and the hood And all that shit Wasn’t on tv yet. I’m sitting there. “cuz. Cuz.” I’m like, “we related?” “cuz?” He like, “no, cuz. You know what I’m saying, Cuz.” And the n i g g a kept doing This kind of shit. I’m like, “these n i g g a s In l.A. Is a bunch Of deaf mutes out here.” You know, These motherfuckers– N i g g a, and I’m like, “I don’t speak that shit.” All I know is this and that. [laughter and applause] He like, “n i g g a, Ain’t you Eddie Griffin, cuz? Ain’t you Eddie Griffin, Cuz?” I’m like, “yeah, motherfucker. You fucking my high up.” So I got to hollering at The little n i g g a As the n i g g a high started Coming down. I said, “n i g g a, Why y’all do that shit?” He like, “you know, cuz. You know, cuz.” I’m like, “n i g g a, I’m from Kansas city, Missouri. N i g g a, where I grew up, We didn’t have no gangs.” N i g g a be like, “n i g g a, what’s your gang?” “self.” The older brothers in here Know what I’m talking about. Back in the day, You had yourself. You had a gang, n i g g a. Me, myself, and I. Your partner showed up To make sure His partners didn’t jump in. Whoever you got beef with, Mano y mano, head up, N i g g a. “what up, n i g g a?” [rolls tongue] If you get your ass whooped, Go to the gym and practice. [laughter and applause] Had that left hook. Got to keep that right up. You got to keep that right up. [cheers and applause] Come with it. ’cause we being so soft With our kids nowadays, man. That shit get on my nerves. They locking parents up Because the kid Had a fight at school. You know what I mean? What kind of– We raising little bitch-ass Motherfuckers? A fight is in god’s plan. You supposed to fight As a kid. That lets you know Where you fit in On the food chain. You thought You was billy badass. Then you ran into Billy badass. Billy badass whooped That ass. You figure out, “I’m good at math.” they don’t even know bloods And crips started right here In Oakland. It’s a offshoot Of the black panthers. I’ma teach y’all Something tonight. When the feds came to break up The black panthers– Two of the brothers Went down to l.A. One went to Inglewood and started the bloods, Which meant, “if the police fuck With anybody on this block, We all blood, we all family, We stand together.” All right? Another one went down to Compton. Started the crips. “crips” stand for “community Resistance in progress.” If you fuck with anybody In this community, The community has got A resistance in progress, Officer! [applause] You ask these little Youngsters now, “hey, what ‘crip’ mean?” “it mean crip, cuz.” [laughter] “it mean crip, cuz. It mean crip, cuz.” And what is this retarded walk? The fuck is wrong with you, N i g g a? You just got out the zoo? You playing right into the White man’s stereotype of us. You know what I mean? Chill the fuck out on that Red and blue, n i g g a. I don’t even understand, N i g g a. We both broke. You a blood; I’m a crip. We broke. Come together like butt cheeks And be the shit. Hell, yeah. If you a little motherfucker My size, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? ’cause them ain’t The scary ones. The quiet motherfuckers… That’s who you watch. Them the killers. You know, the loudest Motherfucker in the club Is a bitch. That n i g g a loud ’cause he scared And he hope it’s scaring you. “n i g g a, you know What I’m saying? “I’ll fuck it up! Is this scaring y’all? ’cause I’m scared As a motherfucker!” Real killers are quieter Than a motherfucker. They don’t dance. They sit in the club, Hold the wall up, And just be looking. You know, they constantly got A grit on they face. You know? Do a slow stroll Through the club. And they praying the whole time. “god, don’t let me kill Nobody else today.” And then somebody Step on his shoe. He be like… They try to let it slide, But n i g g a s like that can’t. You on the dance floor And he’ll walk up to you. “excuse me, bro. You know, you stepped On my shoes, you know? I was wondering if you’ll apologize, you know? See, I paid for mine just like You paid for yours, you know? So, you know, if you give A brother an apology, You know, we can go on And clean this on up, You know what I’m saying?” That n i g g a be like, “n i g g a, fuck you and your shoes. Old bitch-ass n i g g a. Shit.” Why he tell this motherfucker that? That’s when they get that walk. [laughter] Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Club clearing out like roaches when the light come on. That motherfucker walk out. Don’t nobody know What happened. He still praying. “god… I told you. You know how I am. You go on and sort him out, Cause he wasn’t cool Down here.” As my grandfather said, “there’s certain people That deserve a whole Lot of leave-alone.” it’s her birthday today! who? 76! hey, my dear, Happy birthday, baby. ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ to you ¶ [imitating Sammy Davis Jr.] ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ to you ¶ ¶ oh, uh ¶ ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ dear mama ¶ [cheers and applause] We appreciate you, baby. Yes, indeedy. That’s everybody mama, Shit. You know what I mean? That’s how that shit Supposed to go, man. I be seeing some of these little Young motherfuckers When they see one of they elders Going across the street. “man, get your old ass Out the way.” Y’all see that shit? Beat the dog shit Out that motherfucker. You got the right to rap, Run around, And do all your dumb shit ’cause sisters like her And brothers her age That put it down. [cheers and applause] I got nine kids, and don’t none Of ’em want for shit. You know, when I hear Motherfuckers talking about Child support on one kid, I just laugh. I’m like, “that’s it?” Shit, n i g g a. Come to my world. [laughter] Shit, two ex-wives. Four, five baby mamas. My first-of-the-month calls Is a motherfucker. Shit, I thought I was pimping. I’m doing shows for them. They pimping the shit Out my black ass. “n i g g a, go do some shows.” I bet you they get together And huddle. N i g g a, I get a movie, They be like, “come on, girl. We got a movie.” [laughter and applause] But I wouldn’t trade One of my babies in To save my motherfucking life. [applause] ’cause really, At the end of life, That’s all you Motherfucking leave. You don’t take no money With you. You understand me? I ain’t never seen A brinks truck Pull up to a funeral. The Egyptians tried to take Their money with ’em. Ain’t they digging them Motherfuckers up? Now king tut on tour. This dead motherfucker Still on tour. [laughter and applause] And if they could legally Get away with digging Michael up, That n i g g a’d be on tour too. “where’s Michael?” “he’s on tour.” That n i g g a in the casket And the music play. [imitating Michael Jackson] “hee-hee!” that’s why I smoke And I drink. ’cause when I’m dead, I don’t want nobody Walking by my casket Talking about, “damn, ed look good.” If I look good, I should still Be motherfucking alive. I want a motherfucker walking By my casket to say, “god damn! I see why that n i g g a dead!” [laughter and applause] It ain’t the quality of life– Or the quantity. It’s the quality. You understand me? Would you really want to live To be 199 years old, Shitting on yourself? You come in the world In diapers. If you got to leave In depends, You stayed too long. If it look like I’m about To shit on myself, Unplug me, n i g g a. ’cause life is for The living. And motherfuckers That are alive and love you Don’t want to unplug you ’cause they love you. Motherfucker, let me go. I said I’m tired. Now unplug this shit. I want to see what The next part look like. ’cause I know this Ain’t the end. Energy ain’t dissipated. It’s transferred. This spirit animates this clay We motherfucking trapped in. You understand me? Clay drop the fuck down. My spirit going on To the next phase, n i g g a. Now, leave me the fuck alone. [applause] You understand me? I had my fun. And some of you Old motherfuckers Ain’t playing fair. You know, they got this New shit viagra, cialis. I think god put A ticking clock on a dick. Your dick supposed to be done Right around the speed limit. Ain’t no need in you having No kids after 55. Your ass ain’t gonna be here When they get out of school. Now, play fair. Put the pill down. Shut your dick up. ’cause a young motherfucker– Supposed to be our turn to get Some down pussy. Old n i g g a already established. He got a business. He got a motherfucking Rolls-Royce. He getting all the young pussy, And the young n i g g a like this, “but, baby, Well, you know”– She like, “you ain’t got no car. I’m going with sugar daddy.” Put your wrinkled-up monster up. And you know them old n i g g a s Be cheating, n i g g a. Right now, they popping They pill ’cause they know The show almost over. [laughter and applause] ’cause they know it take A hour for it to kick in. You know. “I’ma be ready for you After this show, girl. Gonna be ready for you. Tell you I drop I like it’s hot. I can drop it Like it’s hot.” [cheers and applause] If y’all think I’m funny, My grandfather is The funniest motherfucker Outside of Richard Pryor I ever met. My granddaddy would sit on The front porch. He’d be like, “lookie here. I like young hos.” I said, “young hos?” He like, “yeah, n i g g a. If you catch me with something Over 27, I’m holding it For the police.” [laughter] “all I can show A 30-year-old bitch is, Is where the old folks’ Home is. You know how many dicks She done seen In 30 years, Eddie? I like young hos.” He said, “Eddie, I had one So young last night, When I got done, I had to burp her.” I couldn’t even call him A dirty old man. I was just like… “all right.” ’cause the n i g g a Explained it to me. He said, “there’s one thing An old motherfucker don’t want, And that’s an old bitch. Two old motherfuckers Don’t go together. Dust flying everywhere.” [audience members shouting] hey, baby. I had to come to The yay area. [cheers and applause] ’cause I know up here, Y’all motherfuckers is sharp. You know what I mean? And you’re still street At the same time, so you– You know what I mean? You actually see n i g g a s With books up here. [cheers and applause] You know what I mean? If you wanna stop motherfuckers From dealing dope On your block, on the corner, Walk up and hand them n i g g a s A book. Watch them run. That n i g g a trying to get me To read! All these words and stuff. Yeah, they say these White people are scared of A n i g g a with a gun. No, they ain’t. When they see your ass with A gun, here’s what they do. “gotcha! He’ll be in jail soon.” They see your ass With a book– Try this shit, ’cause I do it all the time. Go to Starbucks Or one of them little, You know, coffee shops. Sit down with a book. White person sitting Over there. They can’t resist it, n i g g a, They just be like… [laughter] [cheers and applause] Get a book, man. Reading is fundamental. Fun to mental. [cheers and applause] Think! It ain’t illegal yet. But they’re working on it. [cheers and applause] I want the young motherfuckers In here tonight, No matter what Your nationality is, Turn the motherfucking TV off For one week. And see if you can survive. Motherfuckers are going into A television junkie Motherfucking mode, There ain’t no TV. I need my remote, n i g g a, I’m jonesing. It’s called tele… Vision… Programming. They’re telling you visually The program. You’re being programmed. You watch it on the news. “it was on CNN. It’s true.” “I’ve seen it on fox. It’s real.” It’s bullshit! [cheers and applause] You know Obama Ain’t running shit. Puppet on a string. [laughter] That n i g g a ran for office And said, “I’ma stop both wars.” Didn’t he just send 60,000 more troops To Afghanistan? He took them out of Iraq. Them n i g g a s thought They was going home. “shit, n i g g a, the war over. We going home.” He like, “no. Over there.” They wives and shit, Family thinking These motherfuckers coming home. N i g g a, they get shipped To a new war. And you know these wars Is about what? ¶ money, money, money, money ¶ Now, Iraq, We annexed that country. You know, took the oil, N i g g a. Now, one thing you know about American motherfucking history, Wherever we land, We don’t leave. We already got three bases, Permanent bases in Iraq. We still in Vietnam, Still in motherfucking Korea, And still got a base in japan. Everywhere we land, We don’t leave! You know what I mean? I thought it was called The United States of america, Not the united empire Of earth. “you will do as I say.” How the fuck we gonna Go over to Iraq And tell ’em we’re giving These people freedom? They didn’t ask for it! Wasn’t no Iraqis over there, “come on over here. We wanna vote.” Them motherfuckers Was chillin’. Now we over in Afghanistan. You know what we there for. Opium. 90% of the world’s opium Comes from… Afghanistan. Holla at your boy. [laughter and applause] Now, in the Buddhist religion, They smoke opium. There’s 1.6 billion Chinese. In order to control china, You must control opium. China owns 90% of our debt. Welcome to china. [laughter] Learn the language. Ni hao ma. [laughter] Xie-xie ni. The Chinese Ain’t to be fucked with. One Bruce Lee would fuck up this whole room. [laughter] 1.6 billion Bruce Lees? N i g g a, leave ’em alone. Oh, America know who to attack. You ain’t never seen them Go fuck with china. Remember, china had one Of our motherfuckers– Students in Tienanmen square Beating the shit out of him On national television With a bamboo Motherfucking stick. Did America go and attack? No. You know what they said? “what is he doing over there?” [laughter] “somebody get his parents On the phone.” [laughter] ’cause that Bruce Lee Was a bad motherfucker. [cheers and applause] 5’7″. 140 pounds. Dynamite. You understand me? That motherfucker in the movie, You ever seen that motherfucker? He walked in a dojo. 300 motherfuckers. Bruce walk in and… And, you know, I love that n i g g a walk. We can fight one at time… Or together. If you sitting in that dojo, You gotta ask yourself Two questions. Either he got a bomb On his ass… Or he’s really A bad motherfucker. Neither one of them are good. And remember the motherfucking Teachers are always like, “wang, chang, lilang wang. Hang!” They run out there And get killed, n i g g a. [laughter] Then he go with the second set. “wang, chang, ching-chong, Chang, wong-long.” If I’m in that second set, I would have been like, “hey, hey, hold the fuck up. Them was your black belts. My shit is orange. You the teacher. Teach! Now, if you whoop his ass, I’ll keep taking your class. If not, I’m about to study With that motherfucker. I’m Eddie Griffin. Y’all been wonderful. Good night, Oakland, baby. Eddie Griffin, I just watched your presentation on Showtime…first time I’ve heard you (yeah, I’m a very old white man, trying to catch up with life around me)….I think you’re a beautiful man, smart as hell, and full of courage to take on the hypocrisy of everything…you’re a hero, dear man. A truth-seeking, take-no-prisoners hero. Never surrender…! Warmest regards,
J. J. Sandlin, retired trial lawyer Loved it first time heard it. Love reading it. Thanks for standing up and talking when noone else in the industry really does. I’m as well a conspiracy theorist. I believe our own government has had connection to every single headlined or major event catastrophically from JFK to Osama to 9/11 to shootings to drugs to control to ungodly high conviction incarcerations to wars ”for no damn reason” EVER. Our own Bible beliefs are absolutely sad and very untrue. Very first and foremost. If there is a real Jesus…He AINT white. He is from Bethlehem area. Ever seen a damn white person born there??? There is absolutely no protection nor looked after our very own babies/kids from any power from above. WILL THERE EVER BE???? I’m a white 32 year old, btw. I love everyone. I just know that we have all been trolled and manipulated into “new slavery”…if we all don’t stick together from the “Higher government” our generations to come will suffer. Sorry to vent but tired of all the negativity and hostility, the vibe in the world is just jumpy, scared, inpolite, rushing, non listening, non protection of others. We All need to help each other. If someone is having something bad to them in any aspect, handle it yourself and then call the law., Or just lawfully contact them first. There is a huge prob in America right now. I love all…. #Dudes quit wearing skinny jeans
#women keep doin ya thing
#protect all
#help all | I want to fuck Michelle Obama. I need her on my team. I’m waiting on Obama to fuck up. That n i g g a slip up, I’ma slide right in. What’s happening, Michelle? You like comedy? That’s some fine chocolate motherfucker. You understand me? I didn’t vote for Obama because of him, I voted because of her. This is the first first lady that is fuckable. ‘Cause you didn’t want to fuck daddy Bush’s wife. She look like she jumped off the dollar bill. Look at that! That’s George Washington! And you didn’t want to fuck George Jr. ‘s wife. She look like the mama on Damien: Omen. Every time I see her face, all I hear is… Look like the bitch head about to spin around at any moment. And I don’t think you wanted to fuck Hillary either. I don’t think Hillary like dick. She wear more pantsuits than a brother at a funeral. Now here’s how I know Obama got some pimp in him. All right? Remember when Hillary was running against him? She talking all that shit about Obama. Obama got the job. He gave her a job. That’s pimpin’. And what was the job he gave her? Secretary of state. And what was the secretary of state’s job? Stay out of the country. He banished that bitch to foreign lands. And the happiest motherfucker about it is Bill Clinton. You know Bill at home, “Thank you, Obama. I can get my dick sucked every day. ” Now I knew Obama… I knew he had some n i g g a in him…. You know, ’cause at first, you couldn’t tell. But one day, it jumped out of him. Y’all remember that day him and George Bush was walking outside the White House …and his swag was on 250? I’m sitting at home. I said, “that brother’s a pimp. ” You could damn near hear the conversation. “Hurry up and get your shit out my house. “Take your punk ass back to Texas. You bitch!” ‘Cause at first, I thought Obama was an African-American. And white people, I know y’all think all black people the same. We just like you white folks. You got different kind of white folks. You got honkies, you got crackers, you got rednecks, you got white guys. Black people the same way. You got black folks. “Just don’t want to be bothered. ” You got old negroes. “I sure wish slavery’d come back. Massa was so good to us. ” And you got African-Americans. “I graduated from college Cum da-lada. ” And then you have n i g g a s. Which I happen to be a member of. BULLSHIT! Translation: N I G G E R! “Pull over… ” N I G G E R! And Obama, here’s how I really knew he had hood in him. He threw a barbecue… at the White House… He invited the NBA, the NFL, every rapper. I think I was the only n i g g a that wasn’t there. You know white people was sitting at home, “My god! It’s all over! The n i g g e r s are barbecuing! They’re licking their fingers! They got collard greens and black-eyed peas. ” Here’s how I really knew he was from the hood. He put a swing set… I don’t think y’all heard me. He put a swing set on the white house lawn. That’s some n i g g a shit! He got enough money and power to send his daughters to Disneyland every day. He said, “Fuck that. Put that swing set outside that window so I can keep my eye on they little ass.” ‘Cause black people, we watch our kids. I’m talking to you, white folks. I’m tired of seeing y’all kids on my milk carton. You know, you just trying to pour some milk on your cereal And there’s always that little white face with he caption underneath it. “Have you seen me?” No, I ain’t seen your little ass! And how come your parents don’t know where the hell you at? You ain’t never seen little brothers and sisters on a milk carton, ’cause if you did, they’d be posing. ‘Cause I remember when we was coming up- And black people, back me up on this. When we was coming up, remember your parents tell you, “You can play to the end of this block. ” Remember? That’s as far as your ass go. Ain’t no going out to the woods. And I remember my mama told me, “If you go any further, I’ma fuck you up. ” I remember one day, me and my partner Don Junior, we kicking it, right? We get up to the corner. Boom, boom. They like, “Ed, come on. Let’s go on the next block. Let’s see what’s over there. ” Boy, I was nervous. That’s when you look down to see if your mama on the front porch. My mama looking me dead in the eye. I couldn’t hear her, but her mouth said… My uncle Bucky had his pistol. He’s like, “I can shoot your ass from here. ” I’m like “Uh, you know, uh”-… They like, “You ain’t going, Ed?” I’m like, “Nah, man. You know, I caught a Charlie horse.” You know, ’cause I ain’t trying to look like no punk, man. “I got a horse, you know?” They like, “Aww, you a bitch-ass n i g g a. ” I said, “I’ll be the bitch today. I’d rather fight both of y’all than take one ass-whooping from her. See ya!” My mama beat me out of the penitentiary. As y’all can see, I’s free And obviously, y’all parents whooped y’all out the penitentiary, ’cause y’all here. We’s free! Them two brothers I’m talking about locked up right now. ‘Cause pain give you a memory of what not to do. You understand me, your partner be like “Come on, Ed, let’s rob this liquor store. ” “I ain’t going. I’m cool right here.” Now they got this brother, Eddie Long. Oh, don’t “ooh” me. I didn’t make the shit up. Y’all seen the story. And, you know, at first, I had to give the brother the benefit of the doubt. You know what I mean? I’m like, “No. Black preachers don’t fuck little boys. ” That’s the difference between a white church and a black church. White churches fuck your son. Black church fuck your wife. God gave that motherfucking preacher the right last name. LONG. And he tried to defend himself. He spoke for about 35 minutes. Not once did he say, “I didn’t do it.” All he said is, “I got five rocks and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” I said, “that’s the gayest shit I ever heard in my life. ” He didn’t say, “I got five bullets. I’m about to bust a cap. ” That guy: “I got five rocks, and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” And did you see how he threw the mic down? I don’t go to church. God don’t live in church. They say the body is the temple. I’m walking to church right now. Soon as you go to church, there’s somebody trying to stick a dick in you, and they need some money. Every war in humanity’s history has been over some kind of motherfucking religion. You know what I mean? I don’t get caught up in that bullshit ’cause I don’t think God ever wrote a Bible or a Qur’an. He didn’t have to write no shit. He ain’t no playwright. It’s written in your essence, ’cause the Bible was written by men. The book of Peter. The book of John. The whole book about Jesus, but that n i g g a ain’t wrote one book. The motherfucker that it’s about didn’t write shit. All the hang-outs wrote a book. “Shit, I know the n i g g a, n i g g a.” And you notice in each one of ’em book, they the closest one to Jesus. Peter like, “Me and Jesus was tight.” In John’s book, “Shit, I was damn near the n i g g a’s daddy. You know.” God didn’t write no book. It’s written in your essence. Nobody ever had to tell you it’s wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowing that. Which means you born knowing right and wrong, so put the book down, ’cause it will fuck you up. It starts out messed up in the beginning. In the book of Genesis, “In the beginning, there was Adam and Eve, and Adam and Eve had two sons, Cain and Abel. And Cain and Abel got married. ” To who?! Where did these mystery bitches come from?! I like messing with Christians, man. ‘Cause they easy to get… I don’t believe Jesus died on the cross. Sacrilege! Wait a minute, he could walk on water, feed 1,000 with a loaf of bread… raised the dead… But you telling me he couldn’t handle three nails? I know brothers with nine bullet wounds still walking around. His name is 50 CENT! I bet you Jesus was a cool kid…. His mama be like, “Now, Jesus, go on in there and take a bath and don’t be walkin’ on your water. ” He in there… That’s probably why they invented the shower, just to get the n i g g a wet. Look at some of the Christian heads in here. “You going to Hell. “Don’t be talking ’bout Jesus, Eddie. Don’t be talking ’bout him. ” You know how Jesus whistle? You know, with the hole in the hand. Look, y’all really like, “N i g g a, that’s it. The lightning’s coming. ” Christians always the first one to want to send somebody to Hell. “You going to Hell. ” How the fuck you know? Like God came down. “Uh, let that n i g g a know he going to Hell. I’m kind of busy right now. ” You know what I mean? I’m made in my heavenly Father’s image. If I got a sense of humor, that mean God got one. God probably up there cracking up right now. “Hey, Jesus, come here! That crazy n i g g a I made is on! “He talking about you, boy. He said you walk on your bathwater. “He said you whistle like this…. ” “Ah, don’t get mad. That shit was funny. It was funny. “ See, I’d be a Muslim, but the Muslim faith, they too strict. You know what I mean? You can’t smoke no weed. You can’t get your dick sucked by a bitch that ain’t your wife. Matter of fact, you can’t see your wife’s face until you marry her. They keep ’em veiled up. All you get to see is the eyes. You really got to love that bitch’s eyes. You be like, “Damn. She got some pretty eyes. ” Then you marry her ass, the veil come off. No wonder they get 20 wives. You playing the law of averages. I’m telling you, I think Christians are jealous of Muslims, ’cause you ain’t gonna out-devout a Muslim. That’s the most devout faith you’ll ever run into. A Muslim will strap a bomb on they self and blow they self up about some Muhammad. Ask a Christian to put a bomb on and blow they self up about Jesus. “Naw, He wouldn’t want me to do that. ” “He just blessed me with this house. I’m sure He wants me to live in it. ” Everybody fighting over this religion shit. You understand me? The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. The Muslims say it’s Muhammad. I say, “Who gives a fuck who the messenger is? Did you get the message?” They got the same damn message. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Science proves that to be a fact. For every action, there’s an opposite and equal reaction. Don’t fuck with me, and I won’t fuck with you. I’ll tell you somebody who needs Jesus right around now. Tiger Woods. What I like about tiger, he kept it golf. He had 18 hos. One for every hole of golf. Now, here’s where Tiger messed up. Now, fellas, I want y’all to look at the woman sitting next to you that you brought here. Look at her right now! Now, you see how fine she is? Don’t ever fuck nothing uglier than her. You don’t fuck down. You fuck up. You fuck a woman uglier than your woman, she gonna be madder than a motherfucker. “N i g g a, I know I look better than that bitch! N i g g a, what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?” That’s when they go crazy. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I look better than that bitch! What’s wrong with me?” You fuck a bitch that’s finer than your woman, she gonna act like she mad, but she can’t get mad. She gonna look at him like, “Shit, I didn’t know that n i g g a could catch that. I’ma have to step my game up. ” Rich black man and white woman don’t go together. Ask O. J., Kobe, Tiger woods. It ain’t no good. ‘Cause white women will set your ass up. See, everybody think a sister is the strongest motherfucking woman on earth. To an extent, that is true, but at least a sister will let you know up front. “N i g g a, I will fuck you up. ” You know what you dealing with. White women… sneaky. “Really?” “Is like that, Tom?” She get on the phone. “Hello? Officer?” “He raped me… ” White women play victim quick than a motherfucker. But that white man gotta learn from you white women. See, when that white man get mad, he get mad. You know, brothers, we get mad, we march “We shall overcome…” You know, we get a good March in, Misspell signs, we gone. That white man get mad, he snap. You know, white women like, “I’m taking the kids. I’m taking the house. We’re gone. We’re out of here, you asshole. ” That white man be like this. “I came from a long line of brookshires. You’re not gonna take my seed from me, Guinevere. ” Now, here’s the one sentence that white man got for they ass. “Over my dead body. ” And that motherfucker mean that shit. “Over my dead body”. I’ll kill you. Then I’ll kill the kids. I’ll burn the fucking house to the ground, then I’ll do myself. ” Brother can’t even try that shit. Sister be like, “N i g g a, I’m leaving you. ” “I’ma kill you”. “You killing who? Let the killing begin, motherfucker! N i g g a be like, “I’m just playing, girl. I’m just playing. You know I’m joking with you, girl. You know I’m joking with you. We don’t even get to the part of burning the house down and the kids. They always try to make it like everybody’s after the white woman. You look at the movies. King Kong after the bitch. You all know damn well this is a n i g g a story… The big old gorilla… He had all them fine African sisters and one white woman and lose his mind. That’s why they call it “Jungle fever”. That motherfucker Kong got that white bitch. N i g g a, he picked her up. Just blowing on the ho. “I got my white bitch! I got my white bitch!” They took his white bitch. That motherfucker swam to New York. They took the bitch up on a building. “Where’s my white bitch? I need my white bitch!” They got some new kind of white women now. You know, I’m in my 40s. You know, I remember when all white women had straight backs. You know what I mean? No ass. Just a long back. You know, you could lay ’em down, get a good crease in your pants. Now they got some ass on ’em. I don’t know what you white women are eating, but keep it up. ‘Cause they’d be walking down the street. ¶ ga-gonk ga-gonk ¶ “You got competition, Laqueisha. ” ‘Cause, you know, every city I go to on tour, there’s always the brother with the white woman. Now, brothers, let me ask y’all something, ’cause I see a couple of y’all here with your white women. Why, when y’all get a white woman, y’all get the ugliest white bitch in town? And be walking proud with ’em. “Yeah, this is mine. ” Holding hands and shit. You know what I mean? Brothers don’t even hold hands with they own sister. You know what I mean? You watch a brother walking down a street. Sister be behind ’em. “I’m with you. ” “Come on. Keep up. ” N i g g a get a white woman, act like he hit the jackpot. “Yes, I got her. ” But when you see a white man with a sister… Oh, they get the baddest sister they got in town. Oh, white boys don’t fuck around. When they get a sister, they get a sistah. And they be walking, holding hands. “Goddamn right I got her. ” “I’m gonna teach her how to Riverdance. ” Nothing against you white people. Y’all just different. You know how them motherfuckers say they don’t like black people, right? And the ones that I’m talking about, I’m talking about you. Not all white people. There’s some cool motherfuckers. You’re here. Obviously, motherfucker, you’re here. But you know the ones I’m talking about, them motherfucking racist sons of bitches. “I don’t like black people. ” Well, why you lay out in the sun and try to become black? You don’t see black people laying out in the moonlight trying to lighten up. Like, “brother, what you doing?” “N i g g a, I’m trying to get that prince tone. Morris day up in this bitch. ” Be happy to be white, white folks. Y’all ain’t even white, Really. Y’all colored. Y’all should all join the NAACP [National Association For Advancement of Colored People] You understand me? ‘Cause y’all colored people. Only white people can Turn red when they mad. Look at ’em. They blush. They’re a little pink. When you hit ’em, They blue and purple. [laughter and applause] Y’all colored people Like a motherfucker. Y’all the whole box Of goddamn crayons. I might be blushing Right now. You can’t tell. No shit. They trying to tell our Mexican Brothers and sisters That they need to stay away From the border. Mm-hmm. I don’t understand that… When California is mexico. [cheers and applause] Listen to the name of it. [in Mexican accent] California. San Diego, San Francisco, San Jose. If it start with “San,” It’s Mexican. [laughter and applause] Always talking about, “my country.” White people, This ain’t y’all country. Y’all annexed it. You stoled it from The Indians. I know you said You discovered it. You know how they use them Slick-ass words. “we discovered it!” How you discover some shit A motherfucker Already live at? [laughter and applause] Using that analogy, When I get offstage, I’ma discover somebody car. Police like, “did you steal it?” “no, I discovered it. I gave the indigenous driver A reservation in the trunk.” My man, LeBron James. You know, the brother went To Miami. You know, which he has all right to do. You know? It’s called “free agency.” The first word is “free.” Them white people In Cleveland got all mad, Burned the n i g g a jersey, Doing little statues of him, Setting on fire. I’m like, “he play basketball!” This ain’t a politician That could change your life. He dribbled. He dunked. Yay. [laughter] You know what I mean? I just want an hour Of my life back. It shouldn’t have Took him an hour, you know? He just sat there. “I’m going to south beach.” N i g g a! If I wasn’t a Christian… And you can tell him I said it. You know what I mean? The reason I heard that he left Is ’cause one of the dudes On the team Was sleeping with his mama. Y’all heard that shit too? I found out when I did the show in Cleveland. The audience told me. I said, “is it true?” They like, “yeah. Yeah. We all knew. We all knew.” I’m like, “and y’all Wondering why he gave y’all The finger and left?” He from here. Y’all his hometown. Y’all love the n i g g a. Somebody should have came up To the brother. “hey, uh…” You know when you delivering That bad, bad news, You got to– “hey, uh… Hey, you know, My man and your mama.” [laughter] “I just thought I’d let you know. I just thought I’d let you know.” And what’s the n i g g a name That did it? Dante west. That’s some fucked-up shit, ’cause that n i g g a, When he play against LeBron, He can get in that n i g g a’s head. He d’ing that n i g g a up. “hey, LeBron.” [laughter and applause] You know, Me and your moms.” You know what I mean? That’s like me and Chris Rock doing a movie together and he sleeping with my mama. I’ma have to rock Chris Rock. You don’t fuck moms. Mom’s off-limits. You can fuck my sister. You know what I mean? She grown. She want to give you some pussy, hey. But you don’t put your dick in where I came out. My man Michael Vick doing his thing, ain’t he? [cheers and applause] You understand me? You can’t keep a brother down. They put that boy in the game. The rest is history. You understand me? And I don’t know why They did that brother The way they did him About some damn dogs. He had some pit bulls. Now here’s the shit That fucked with me. There’s a dogfight going on. He three states away. He ain’t even at the house, And they lock him up. And his cousins ain’t shit! [cheers and applause] You staying at his house For free. You there when The dogfight go down And the bust come. One of them supposed To take the rap. “is this Michael Vick?” “no, this me.” They’d have slapped him On the wrist, $150,000 fine. N i g g a, nothing. They want to make an example out Of vick. They want every black man To have an asterisk. Kobe Bryant. “raped white bitch.” Michael Jordan. “gambled.” Michael Vick. “dogfight.” Eddie griffin. “said ‘n i g g a’.” Tricky white people. Y’all love dogs more than Y’all love human beings. I watch y’all. You see white people. They see a stray dog. You see ’em. They be like, “where’s your home? What’s your name? Let me read your tag. You have a number. We’re gonna call your master. We’re gonna find your home.” A homeless dude walk up. “can I get some change?” “get away from me, you bum.” [laughter and applause] Gonna lock this brother up About a dog. It’s called a “pit bull.” They bred to fight. The dog wants to fight. The dog sitting In the backyard. “I want to fuck something up.” You know what I’m saying? “I ain’t no poodle. What the fuck you Got me back here for?” You understand me? They ain’t trying To stop a rodeo. White people go to the rodeo. You got motherfucking shocks On the goddamn bull’s nuts To make it hop around. Oh, that’s humane. Shut them rodeos down, I’ll stop fighting My motherfucking dogs. I’m from the Midwest. We fight dogs! [barks] Still having cockfights, Ain’t you? You motherfuckers. If I wasn’t a Christian… drink up, y’all. It’s Saturday. Spoken like a true alcoholic. ’cause you know alcoholics come Up with any reason to drink. “why you drinking?” “it’s Saturday.” “why you drinking?” “it’s Sunday. Jesus had wine At the last supper.” “it’s Monday.” “first day back at the job.” “it’s Tuesday.” “kids getting on My goddamn nerves.” “it’s Wednesday.” “hump day.” “it’s Thursday.” “almost Friday.” “it’s Friday.” “thank god!” “it’s Saturday.” “that’s what I’m saying!” Shit, get fucked up, Be somebody else. [laughter] You know what I mean? You got to slave For another motherfucker On the job all week long. Saturday get here, Man, get faded And be somebody else. They be like, “who are you?” “I’m Michael Jackson… Till Sunday!” [laughter and applause] Man, uh, in case You were wondering, “hey, what you drinking, Ed?” It’s called the liquid blunt. You know what I’m saying? It’s Veuve Clicquot champagne. Give you the same high As a blunt. You don’t go up. You don’t go down. You maintain. You understand me? A police pulls me over, They can’t say, “uh, you have some weed On you?” “I don’t.” [laughter] And it’s called Veuve Clicquot– It’s actually the first Champagne ever created. ’cause I research anything I put in my temple, All right? And it’s some French shit. So those of you who were Talking that shit, “I hate the French,” Uh, fuck you. I like the French. If you hate the French, Dig up the statue of liberty And send that bitch back. They made her. If you hate the French, Keep your tongue in your mouth When you kiss, ’cause It’s called a French kiss. It ain’t called A redneck kiss. And put the croissant down, ’cause that’s French too. I like the French. Oui, oui. Tres bon, Je m’appelle, et toi. [laughter and applause] And if you’re Japanese, Genki desu domo arigato. Moshi moshi. And if you’re Chinese, Ni hao ma. Xie-xie ni. [speaking mandarin] But this is the liquid blunt. Now, he named it after His wife. Now, if you buy a bottle Of the shit, It costs $45 at Costco. I don’t get it twisted. I don’t give a fuck How much money I got. I’m frugaler than A motherfucker. ’cause you don’t stay rich By spending the shit. $45. You see them fools In them damn videos. $500 for a bottle of Crystal at a strip club. N i g g a, I ain’t paying $500 For nothing. Suck my dick! $45! And the shit is good! But he named it after His wife. You buy a bottle, There’s a picture of her On the cap. Now, when you look At the picture Of this fat, ugly bitch, You will figure out Why he created a drink. He like, “I need a drink Before I fuck your fat, Raggedy ass. I need some bubbles For my troubles.” You see, I just finished my second dui. I ain’t trying To get a third, ’cause you know California law. You get that third one, It’s an automatic year In the penitentiary area. I ain’t trying to go To jail about no drinking, ’cause you get to jail, Ain’t no drinking. I remember, I was rolling out, man. I’m coming down sunset In L.A. One night And I was high… As a motherfucker. Now I done had a couple of this, You know– [stammering] I’m doing me. You know, and I think I’m doing good. You know, I’m whipping it. And, you know, brothers, We drive with one eye In the rearview mirror And the other one on the road To make sure po-po Ain’t behind. So I’m doing my shit, And I seen the lights. I didn’t know I was in the car chase For about five minutes. I’m that high. I seen the lights And in my head I’m like, “it’s Christmas already? They got all these lights And shit.” I didn’t know till a cop car Pulled in front of me And cut me the fuck off And pulled me over. And that’s when you try To get sober quick. You like… [breathing heavy] You know how you do. “I got this. All right, let me get this shit Off of me, n i g g a. That over there. Stash pocket. Boom. Plow.” And you got to pull The wallet out If you a black man. You don’t want To get caught reaching. They shoot us. “he was reaching For something!” I’ll be having my wallet out. I.D. Showing. Clack-clack. Window already down. “I’m ready for you. Come on. Come on.” And they be asking More dumb-ass questions. He’s like, “would you like To step out of the car?” I said, “well, since it’s A yes or no answer, No, I would not like To step out of the car.” That’s when they snatch Little motherfucker out. Then they try to make you Do the gymnastic competition. You know, Walk a straight line. I said, “hey, hold up, man. I ain’t in the Olympics.” He’s like, “Eddie, so you’re Saying you’re drunk?” I said, “no, your honor. I mean, officer. I ain’t drunk. I’m fucked up! There is a difference. I can drive drunk. I’m fucked up. That’s why I thought I was going straight.” [chuckles] “you’re Eddie griffin, right? Comedian?” I said, “yeah, shit. Why you got that uniform on?” He’s like, “he’s funny in real life.” I said, “look, man”– He’s like, “Eddie, I’ma do you a favor.” “you gonna let a brother go?” “nope. Not gonna do that.” I said, “well, What the fuck is it, then?” He said, “I was wondering if I could take a picture with you For my son and my kids.” I said, “motherfucker, You let a n i g g a go, We can take pictures All night.” [laughter and applause] That’s when they said, “click-click.” Now, they sat my black ass On the curb. Sunset boulevard, Fans driving by, And you know How motherfuckers are. They don’t know. You know what I mean? N i g g a, I entertain, But I’m a real motherfucker. I’m on the corner. Click-click. There’s n i g g a s riding by. “hey, ed, what up?” I’m like, “n i g g a, I can’t wave back! “you love a n i g g a that much, Pull over. Help me.” [laughter and applause] “I’m fucked up. I can’t talk for myself. This motherfucker Put me in the car. I’m in the back. It’s an uncomfortable ride, You know? And they got the shit on tight. You back there, “look at this motherfucker.” And you can’t get comfortable, Shit. And I’m sitting in the back. I’m so fucked up, I’m still clowning. It was a white dude And a fat female white cop. And I’m sitting in the back. I looked at her fat, Funky ass. [laughter] Y’all know my mouth. Some people can edit. It just fly out. I looked at her ass, n i g g a. I said, “shit, I ain’t never Seen a police uniform With stretch marks on it.” [laughter and applause] Her partner Is sitting behind– He’s like, “this motherfucker Is crazy, for real.” They got me down to The station, And that’s when they handcuff You to that little bench. So I’m on that wooden bench, And I’m clowning This fat bitch. The night watchman jumped off The desk and said, “put that ignorant motherfucker In the cage.” They locked me up In that motherfucker. It’s a Friday night. Brothers, y’all know What I’m talking about. You there for the weekend. I don’t know if you been To jail recently. They done took out All the TVs. They done took the weights out. They literally in there Curling little n i g g a s. N i g g a, they make you put Your legs together tight And they curl these little Motherfuckers. I was so tired Of getting curled. They stuck me In the cell With the crip of The century. I got in there, that Motherfucker was dipped blue, Doo-doo-doo-doo. I said, “they put me in With the smurf.” [laughter] Every other word is like, “what up, cuz? What’s going on, cuz? Where the scene at, cuz?” [laughter] Now, y’all know I’m from Kansas city, Missouri, right? This is when I’m first Getting to l.A. I’m like– Bloods and the hood And all that shit Wasn’t on tv yet. I’m sitting there. “cuz. Cuz.” I’m like, “we related?” “cuz?” He like, “no, cuz. You know what I’m saying, Cuz.” And the n i g g a kept doing This kind of shit. I’m like, “these n i g g a s In l.A. Is a bunch Of deaf mutes out here.” You know, These motherfuckers– N i g g a, and I’m like, “I don’t speak that shit.” All I know is this and that. [laughter and applause] He like, “n i g g a, Ain’t you Eddie Griffin, cuz? Ain’t you Eddie Griffin, Cuz?” I’m like, “yeah, motherfucker. You fucking my high up.” So I got to hollering at The little n i g g a As the n i g g a high started Coming down. I said, “n i g g a, Why y’all do that shit?” He like, “you know, cuz. You know, cuz.” I’m like, “n i g g a, I’m from Kansas city, Missouri. N i g g a, where I grew up, We didn’t have no gangs.” N i g g a be like, “n i g g a, what’s your gang?” “self.” The older brothers in here Know what I’m talking about. Back in the day, You had yourself. You had a gang, n i g g a. Me, myself, and I. Your partner showed up To make sure His partners didn’t jump in. Whoever you got beef with, Mano y mano, head up, N i g g a. “what up, n i g g a?” [rolls tongue] If you get your ass whooped, Go to the gym and practice. [laughter and applause] Had that left hook. Got to keep that right up. You got to keep that right up. [cheers and applause] Come with it. ’cause we being so soft With our kids nowadays, man. That shit get on my nerves. They locking parents up Because the kid Had a fight at school. You know what I mean? What kind of– We raising little bitch-ass Motherfuckers? A fight is in god’s plan. You supposed to fight As a kid. That lets you know Where you fit in On the food chain. You thought You was billy badass. Then you ran into Billy badass. Billy badass whooped That ass. You figure out, “I’m good at math.” they don’t even know bloods And crips started right here In Oakland. It’s a offshoot Of the black panthers. I’ma teach y’all Something tonight. When the feds came to break up The black panthers– Two of the brothers Went down to l.A. One went to Inglewood and started the bloods, Which meant, “if the police fuck With anybody on this block, We all blood, we all family, We stand together.” All right? Another one went down to Compton. Started the crips. “crips” stand for “community Resistance in progress.” If you fuck with anybody In this community, The community has got A resistance in progress, Officer! [applause] You ask these little Youngsters now, “hey, what ‘crip’ mean?” “it mean crip, cuz.” [laughter] “it mean crip, cuz. It mean crip, cuz.” And what is this retarded walk? The fuck is wrong with you, N i g g a? You just got out the zoo? You playing right into the White man’s stereotype of us. You know what I mean? Chill the fuck out on that Red and blue, n i g g a. I don’t even understand, N i g g a. We both broke. You a blood; I’m a crip. We broke. Come together like butt cheeks And be the shit. Hell, yeah. If you a little motherfucker My size, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? ’cause them ain’t The scary ones. The quiet motherfuckers… That’s who you watch. Them the killers. You know, the loudest Motherfucker in the club Is a bitch. That n i g g a loud ’cause he scared And he hope it’s scaring you. “n i g g a, you know What I’m saying? “I’ll fuck it up! Is this scaring y’all? ’cause I’m scared As a motherfucker!” Real killers are quieter Than a motherfucker. They don’t dance. They sit in the club, Hold the wall up, And just be looking. You know, they constantly got A grit on they face. You know? Do a slow stroll Through the club. And they praying the whole time. “god, don’t let me kill Nobody else today.” And then somebody Step on his shoe. He be like… They try to let it slide, But n i g g a s like that can’t. You on the dance floor And he’ll walk up to you. “excuse me, bro. You know, you stepped On my shoes, you know? I was wondering if you’ll apologize, you know? See, I paid for mine just like You paid for yours, you know? So, you know, if you give A brother an apology, You know, we can go on And clean this on up, You know what I’m saying?” That n i g g a be like, “n i g g a, fuck you and your shoes. Old bitch-ass n i g g a. Shit.” Why he tell this motherfucker that? That’s when they get that walk. [laughter] Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Club clearing out like roaches when the light come on. That motherfucker walk out. Don’t nobody know What happened. He still praying. “god… I told you. You know how I am. You go on and sort him out, Cause he wasn’t cool Down here.” As my grandfather said, “there’s certain people That deserve a whole Lot of leave-alone.” it’s her birthday today! who? 76! hey, my dear, Happy birthday, baby. ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ to you ¶ [imitating Sammy Davis Jr.] ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ to you ¶ ¶ oh, uh ¶ ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ dear mama ¶ [cheers and applause] We appreciate you, baby. Yes, indeedy. That’s everybody mama, Shit. You know what I mean? That’s how that shit Supposed to go, man. I be seeing some of these little Young motherfuckers When they see one of they elders Going across the street. “man, get your old ass Out the way.” Y’all see that shit? Beat the dog shit Out that motherfucker. You got the right to rap, Run around, And do all your dumb shit ’cause sisters like her And brothers her age That put it down. [cheers and applause] I got nine kids, and don’t none Of ’em want for shit. You know, when I hear Motherfuckers talking about Child support on one kid, I just laugh. I’m like, “that’s it?” Shit, n i g g a. Come to my world. [laughter] Shit, two ex-wives. Four, five baby mamas. My first-of-the-month calls Is a motherfucker. Shit, I thought I was pimping. I’m doing shows for them. They pimping the shit Out my black ass. “n i g g a, go do some shows.” I bet you they get together And huddle. N i g g a, I get a movie, They be like, “come on, girl. We got a movie.” [laughter and applause] But I wouldn’t trade One of my babies in To save my motherfucking life. [applause] ’cause really, At the end of life, That’s all you Motherfucking leave. You don’t take no money With you. You understand me? I ain’t never seen A brinks truck Pull up to a funeral. The Egyptians tried to take Their money with ’em. Ain’t they digging them Motherfuckers up? Now king tut on tour. This dead motherfucker Still on tour. [laughter and applause] And if they could legally Get away with digging Michael up, That n i g g a’d be on tour too. “where’s Michael?” “he’s on tour.” That n i g g a in the casket And the music play. [imitating Michael Jackson] “hee-hee!” that’s why I smoke And I drink. ’cause when I’m dead, I don’t want nobody Walking by my casket Talking about, “damn, ed look good.” If I look good, I should still Be motherfucking alive. I want a motherfucker walking By my casket to say, “god damn! I see why that n i g g a dead!” [laughter and applause] It ain’t the quality of life– Or the quantity. It’s the quality. You understand me? Would you really want to live To be 199 years old, Shitting on yourself? You come in the world In diapers. If you got to leave In depends, You stayed too long. If it look like I’m about To shit on myself, Unplug me, n i g g a. ’cause life is for The living. And motherfuckers That are alive and love you Don’t want to unplug you ’cause they love you. Motherfucker, let me go. I said I’m tired. Now unplug this shit. I want to see what The next part look like. ’cause I know this Ain’t the end. Energy ain’t dissipated. It’s transferred. This spirit animates this clay We motherfucking trapped in. You understand me? Clay drop the fuck down. My spirit going on To the next phase, n i g g a. Now, leave me the fuck alone. [applause] You understand me? I had my fun. And some of you Old motherfuckers Ain’t playing fair. You know, they got this New shit viagra, cialis. I think god put A ticking clock on a dick. Your dick supposed to be done Right around the speed limit. Ain’t no need in you having No kids after 55. Your ass ain’t gonna be here When they get out of school. Now, play fair. Put the pill down. Shut your dick up. ’cause a young motherfucker– Supposed to be our turn to get Some down pussy. Old n i g g a already established. He got a business. He got a motherfucking Rolls-Royce. He getting all the young pussy, And the young n i g g a like this, “but, baby, Well, you know”– She like, “you ain’t got no car. I’m going with sugar daddy.” Put your wrinkled-up monster up. And you know them old n i g g a s Be cheating, n i g g a. Right now, they popping They pill ’cause they know The show almost over. [laughter and applause] ’cause they know it take A hour for it to kick in. You know. “I’ma be ready for you After this show, girl. Gonna be ready for you. Tell you I drop I like it’s hot. I can drop it Like it’s hot.” [cheers and applause] If y’all think I’m funny, My grandfather is The funniest motherfucker Outside of Richard Pryor I ever met. My granddaddy would sit on The front porch. He’d be like, “lookie here. I like young hos.” I said, “young hos?” He like, “yeah, n i g g a. If you catch me with something Over 27, I’m holding it For the police.” [laughter] “all I can show A 30-year-old bitch is, Is where the old folks’ Home is. You know how many dicks She done seen In 30 years, Eddie? I like young hos.” He said, “Eddie, I had one So young last night, When I got done, I had to burp her.” I couldn’t even call him A dirty old man. I was just like… “all right.” ’cause the n i g g a Explained it to me. He said, “there’s one thing An old motherfucker don’t want, And that’s an old bitch. Two old motherfuckers Don’t go together. Dust flying everywhere.” [audience members shouting] hey, baby. I had to come to The yay area. [cheers and applause] ’cause I know up here, Y’all motherfuckers is sharp. You know what I mean? And you’re still street At the same time, so you– You know what I mean? You actually see n i g g a s With books up here. [cheers and applause] You know what I mean? If you wanna stop motherfuckers From dealing dope On your block, on the corner, Walk up and hand them n i g g a s A book. Watch them run. That n i g g a trying to get me To read! All these words and stuff. Yeah, they say these White people are scared of A n i g g a with a gun. No, they ain’t. When they see your ass with A gun, here’s what they do. “gotcha! He’ll be in jail soon.” They see your ass With a book– Try this shit, ’cause I do it all the time. Go to Starbucks Or one of them little, You know, coffee shops. Sit down with a book. White person sitting Over there. They can’t resist it, n i g g a, They just be like… [laughter] [cheers and applause] Get a book, man. Reading is fundamental. Fun to mental. [cheers and applause] Think! It ain’t illegal yet. But they’re working on it. [cheers and applause] I want the young motherfuckers In here tonight, No matter what Your nationality is, Turn the motherfucking TV off For one week. And see if you can survive. Motherfuckers are going into A television junkie Motherfucking mode, There ain’t no TV. I need my remote, n i g g a, I’m jonesing. It’s called tele… Vision… Programming. They’re telling you visually The program. You’re being programmed. You watch it on the news. “it was on CNN. It’s true.” “I’ve seen it on fox. It’s real.” It’s bullshit! [cheers and applause] You know Obama Ain’t running shit. Puppet on a string. [laughter] That n i g g a ran for office And said, “I’ma stop both wars.” Didn’t he just send 60,000 more troops To Afghanistan? He took them out of Iraq. Them n i g g a s thought They was going home. “shit, n i g g a, the war over. We going home.” He like, “no. Over there.” They wives and shit, Family thinking These motherfuckers coming home. N i g g a, they get shipped To a new war. And you know these wars Is about what? ¶ money, money, money, money ¶ Now, Iraq, We annexed that country. You know, took the oil, N i g g a. Now, one thing you know about American motherfucking history, Wherever we land, We don’t leave. We already got three bases, Permanent bases in Iraq. We still in Vietnam, Still in motherfucking Korea, And still got a base in japan. Everywhere we land, We don’t leave! You know what I mean? I thought it was called The United States of america, Not the united empire Of earth. “you will do as I say.” How the fuck we gonna Go over to Iraq And tell ’em we’re giving These people freedom? They didn’t ask for it! Wasn’t no Iraqis over there, “come on over here. We wanna vote.” Them motherfuckers Was chillin’. Now we over in Afghanistan. You know what we there for. Opium. 90% of the world’s opium Comes from… Afghanistan. Holla at your boy. [laughter and applause] Now, in the Buddhist religion, They smoke opium. There’s 1.6 billion Chinese. In order to control china, You must control opium. China owns 90% of our debt. Welcome to china. [laughter] Learn the language. Ni hao ma. [laughter] Xie-xie ni. The Chinese Ain’t to be fucked with. One Bruce Lee would fuck up this whole room. [laughter] 1.6 billion Bruce Lees? N i g g a, leave ’em alone. Oh, America know who to attack. You ain’t never seen them Go fuck with china. Remember, china had one Of our motherfuckers– Students in Tienanmen square Beating the shit out of him On national television With a bamboo Motherfucking stick. Did America go and attack? No. You know what they said? “what is he doing over there?” [laughter] “somebody get his parents On the phone.” [laughter] ’cause that Bruce Lee Was a bad motherfucker. [cheers and applause] 5’7″. 140 pounds. Dynamite. You understand me? That motherfucker in the movie, You ever seen that motherfucker? He walked in a dojo. 300 motherfuckers. Bruce walk in and… And, you know, I love that n i g g a walk. We can fight one at time… Or together. If you sitting in that dojo, You gotta ask yourself Two questions. Either he got a bomb On his ass… Or he’s really A bad motherfucker. Neither one of them are good. And remember the motherfucking Teachers are always like, “wang, chang, lilang wang. Hang!” They run out there And get killed, n i g g a. [laughter] Then he go with the second set. “wang, chang, ching-chong, Chang, wong-long.” If I’m in that second set, I would have been like, “hey, hey, hold the fuck up. Them was your black belts. My shit is orange. You the teacher. Teach! Now, if you whoop his ass, I’ll keep taking your class. If not, I’m about to study With that motherfucker. I’m Eddie Griffin. Y’all been wonderful. Good night, Oakland, baby. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-silverman-we-are-miracles-2013-full-transcript/ | SARAH SILVERMAN: WE ARE MIRACLES (2013) – Full Transcript | sarah silverman | “Few comics could get away with such
an irreverent act, but Silverman pulls it
off with her disconnected style that
blends vulgarity and vulnerability.”
— CHICAGO-SUN TIMES Hey, I like your knee socks. They’re not knee socks. They’re fashion tights. It’s all one… whatever. You wouldn’t get it. Yeah, I do. You mean they’re opaque black up to the thigh, sheer black up top. Yeah, that’s… that’s exactly right. Yeah, I like it. I think it’s hot. Yeah, I like it too. I’ve just been really into, like, wearing my thighs out lately. I feel like it’s sexualish and superpowery. Mmm, you like that superpower sex, huh? Yeah! Yes, I see why you think that’s funny. Like in your world, that’s probably really clever wordplay. Could you guys buzz off? I’m trying to focus. Focus on what? The wall? “Focus on what? The wall?” That’s what you sound like. No, I’m shooting a special here for HBO. Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s kind of a big deal. At Largo? That’s, like, barely 300 seats. Well, I’m actually doing it in the… the littler room. The little room? That’s like 50 seats. 39 with the fire marshal code. Whatever! Hey, you need to call your agent. Can’t be doing no HBO special for 39 people! That’s like super tiny. It’s called intimate, fuckface! What’s that, pot? Mmm mmm. It’s a bunch of stuff. Hey, tell us a joke. What do you call a car full of Mexicans? What? Pains in my ass… …hole. Please put your hands together for Miss Sarah Silverman. Tell me I’m great. What? Tell me I’m great! Tell me I’m great! You’re crazy-8. Crazy great. Oh. I very rarely, occasionally, obsessively watch porn on my phone. And when I do, I integrate it into my nighttime rituals. I wash my face. I floss. I take a puff. Then I brush. Then I do my stretches. Then I type in my search words. Let me just say, my search words are not anything I would want to happen in real life. I don’t know why they’re my search words, but they are. A great man once said, “The heart wants what it wants.” So my search words are: gangbang… would not want that to happen in real life; um, amateur… ’cause I don’t like seeing, like, piercings and tattoos… it takes me out of it; cum… which I would not have thought you had to put “cum.” I thought that was a given in pornography. You have to put “cum.” If you don’t, you might not get cum. If anything, I would think you’d put non-cum if you don’t want cum. And then there’s one more. Oh, high-fives. So… I put my iPhone… I lean it against my water on my nightstand. And… I think I’m maybe the only person that watched this video all the way till the end end end, like when the video freezes. It’s, of course, a gangbang and, you know, basically ends with all the guys coming on the lady’s face. And… I don’t know why face was the quiet word there. All the men come on the lady’s face. And then right before the video freezes, I heard a guy say to her, “Hey, great job. I know you were sick.” You find humanity… in the oddest of places. So my mom was in the hospital and I visited her. I don’t need segues. The brain doesn’t work that way. A train of thought bounces around from thing to thing. But anyway, speaking of a whole bunch of men coming on a lady’s face, my mother’s been sick. And I visited her in the hospital and she said, “It’s weird, you know?” There was this Jewish volunteer service that came by and they were visiting the Jewish patients, which is nice, but isn’t that so, like, elitist? Like what, do they, like, banana around the non-Jewish patients? Like, “None for you.” But my mother’s last name is O’Hara. She married a John O’Hara. And she said, “They visited me. Like, how they did know I was Jewish?” And we looked into it and it turns out they count how many times you press the call button. I had a, um… you ever have a memory and you… that you haven’t had since the event happened? You know what I mean? It’s so crazy. I had this memory of being like three and I would shower with my mother. And, like, my mom’s… okay, my mom got her water from the showerhead, like that’s where she would get her water with which to cleanse herself. That water would then cascade down her ample bosom and, like, pike off of her ’70s Jew bush… that was my water. And that’s the thing, it was a happy memory. I associate it with happy. I don’t know why. Like, it was my very own curly shower or something. Maybe because we didn’t need words. You know, it wasn’t like she was like, “You get your water from my pubes,” you know. We didn’t need any of that. It was like I was… I was like a native that knew you could get water from this leaf or something. It was very… animalistic. I was a bedwetter well into my teens. And when you’re a bedwetter, there’s only one group of people you can feel better than: bedshitters. And unfortunately they’re hard to come by. You know? I love this… The HBO 39. But I grew up in New Hampshire, and there are not many Jews in New Hampshire. And we… we weren’t really raised with any religion. We were just Jewish in that it oozed out of our pores, you know. Um, but I didn’t feel so different until maybe like around third grade. Kids started blaming me for my people killing Jesus. I remember even then thinking, “It’s not like we killed baby Jesus.” I mean, the man, like… He had quite a run. He was 33. 33 is young. If someone dies now at 33, it’s terrible. But I mean, back then, in the olden oldie-timey times… 33 was like elderly. 33… dying at 33 was like he had a full life, you know. And by the way, you’re welcome. If we had not killed him, he wouldn’t even be famous. You know, and nothing seems crazy when you’re used to it. There’s so much crazy shit everywhere. We’re used to it. And everything seems crazy when you’re not used to it. That’s why so many comics make fun of Scientology, right? Because like… well, because it’s a batshit crazy religion, but it’s no more batshit crazy than, like, every single religion. It’s just new, you know. Christianity is super old, but it’s fucking crazy. I mean, it’s… you’re born a sinner. By being born, you are a sinner and you’re going to hell. But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven. No big deal. If you’re a murderer… same thing, it’s just apologize and go to heaven. You can be Hitler and go to confession and say, “Forgive me, Father, I killed six million Jews.” And the priest would just be like, “No problem. Say 10 ‘Heil’ Marys.” And Hitler goes to heaven. Hitler goes to heaven… is the name of my band. Scientology is weird because it’s new. It’s… it feels weird in our ear holes to hear people worshipping a guy named Ron. We know Rons in our life. He had to change his name to “L. Ron” because there was another Ron Hubbard in the Writer’s Guild. That’s how recent a religion it is. And people who follow their religion to the letter of the law are just silly. I mean, I want to tell Hasidic Jews, “I promise you, God will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in the summer. You’re being fucking ridiculous!”
But we live in the greatest country in the world. A country where we have freedom of religion and separation of church and state, only we don’t at all and nobody says anything ’cause we’re used to it. It says, “In God we trust” on our money. It says, “In God we trust” above the judge’s bench in a courtroom, in a court of law where you have to put your hand on a Bible… the Christian Bible. It’s not my Bible. I mean, if… if I tell the truth, it’s because I tell the truth, not because I put my hand on a book and made a wish. It’s fucking crazy. That’s craziness. And stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. I think… I think it’s a mistake. Not because they can’t, but because it would’ve never occurred to them they couldn’t. You’re planting that seed in their heads. It’s like saying, “Hey, when you get in the shower, I’m not gonna read your diary.” “Hold on. Are you gonna read my diary?” “What? Are you crazy? I just said I’m not gonna read your diary. Get in the shower.” Girls grow up so fast. It’s like they don’t have childhoods anymore. They’re sexualized so early, you know. I… a girlfriend of mine has a little baby girl and I babysat her. I changed her diaper… totally shaved. Six months old. What a country. That’s my new catchphrase. I know that Yakov Smirnoff said it in the ’80s, but I’m repurposing it with a malaise. I just wanna shake girls. All the girls here, I wanna just tell you you don’t need a vaginal deodorant, okay? I know it seems like a real thing because there’s real commercials and for some reason we trust that… that commercials mean it’s real, you know? And there’s real products on shelves. No, it’s a made-up need made by greedy, money-addicted, faceless corporations preying on a woman’s greatest insecurity… smelly vagina. If you use regular soap and water in the show… use whatever you wash your asshole with. How about that? Surely that’s strong enough for your disgusting vagina. Rinse, and if when you get out of the shower, there’s still like something, like a rancidishness coming, um, go to the doctor. Don’t spray perfume on it. That’s fucking crazy. That’s what a crazy person would do. Do you see now? Are your eyes open? Are you living a conscious life? I’m lucky I don’t have to worry about that because… I’ve been with a few men who have told me that my vagina smells like a, um, a peach… a peach tree. A… a peach tree dish. Is that a thing? That joke took real acting. Real-life acting. You had the craziest reaction. He just… his arms were folded and he just went like… Like, “Oh, Sarah! You’re incorrigible.” Oh, I’m corrigible. It’s not all “The Man.” It isn’t. It’s not all corporate America. It’s us too. We have to take responsibility too. We shit on ourselves. We-we scrutinize ourselves. We-we-we… we think that self-deprecation is modesty. It’s not. It’s self-obsession, and there’s no room for anything else. You think… you think Mother Theresa walked around complaining that the tops of her thighs touched? I mean, they didn’t. She was stick thin, the fucking bitch. But she wasn’t like, “Okay, this is fine, okay? But it’s like then I clench and it’s all oatmeal.” No, she was busy. She had things to do. You know one thing I’ve noticed, people who say the phrase, “Threw me under the bus,” um, say it lot. You know? And I don’t think it’s because they get thrown under the bus a lot. I think it’s because they… they deflect blame a lot. I think it’s because they look inward not a lot. And I… you know, Jesus had a great quote… and I know all his quotes are great. There’s no Jesus B-sides. But… and I’m paraphrasing… but it’s basically like, “If you don’t deal with your shit, your shit deals with you.” You know, but it had like “doth” in it. And… it’s so true. And I made a short list that I think can help people who don’t look inward ever. Um, one: if you quit being cunty, the whole world will stop being against you. If you have terrible luck with roommates, you’re the terrible roommate. It’s you, doll. If you feel like the whole world is judging you all the time, you’re an alcoholic. I don’t know why, but specifically alcohol. Dear sirs, your middle-aged pierced ear tells a different story than you think it does. To women of a certain age: your heartbreaking and drastic attempts to look younger are the reason your daughter doesn’t dream about her future. Insecurity burbles up in all corners of us, you know. Either you have a chip on your shoulder, you feel like people are disrespecting you all the time, or you get really braggy. You want people to know who you know, but you, like, hide it by shitting on them. Like, “How many fucking videos of a monkey smelling his assy fingers and falling out of a tree can Helen Mirren send me? It’s like ridic.” Look at my space work there. It’s impressive, isn’t it? What does that tell you? BlackBerry. Guess what? Guess what? I don’t even own a BlackBerry. I shadowed someone who does for months… to do that bit. There are people that… it’s their survival. It’s the way they deal with life, to see themselves differently than the way the rest of the world sees them, you know. You get the idea if these people were one or two degrees more onto themselves, they’d fucking kill themselves. I consider myself one of them. I get out of the shower and I’m like, “Nice try, mirror. Those are obviously my mom’s boobs.”
Sometimes insecurity proves you right. I mean, I… when I moved to L.A., I had an eyebrow. And my roommate at the time was like, “Hey, let’s go make this into two. Like, each eye can have one.” And so I went to her waxing lady. I had never been to like a waxing lady and the lady called me in and I’m like following her into a room and she turns around and she goes, “What are we doing today? Just the mustache?” I don’t have a mustache. What? I bleach my mustache. That means it’s invisible. Bright yellow means you can’t see it. But she did, she waxed it, and I remember walking out of the door and being like… I could feel the wind on it, you know? What about this one? “Yeah, whatever.” That, like, jerk-off thing. I believe that’s from insecurity. “Yeah, whatever. Pfftt.” What is a guy saying when he does that? He’s saying, “Whatever it is we’re talking about here, I don’t give a shit.” Really? I think you do give a shit. If he didn’t give a shit, wouldn’t he be just be like… I think you do give a shit, sir. What is he saying? He’s saying, “Whatever it is we’re talking about here, please don’t think I care. Oh my God, I would die if you thought I cared. In exchange, feel free to know my personal jerking-off style. It is so important to me that you think I don’t care about whatever it is we’re talking about here, I’m willing to exchange that for you knowing that my masturbation style is that, like, I don’t… I don’t move my hand. My hand is still and I, like, fuck my hand. My hand is locked. And then, like, I fuck… I pretend it’s a vagina. I’m not a faggot. And I fuck my hand. I make it like she’s shorter than me. Like it’s lower and I have to like scoop it in. Oh, fuck you. Sometimes I say it. I go, ‘Scoop. Scoop. Scoop.’ But please don’t think I care. Oh my God. I would die.” Traumatic things happened to that guy. Traumatic things happened to all of you, by the way. Traumatic things happened to all of us. We just don’t realize it because there’s no music informing us how to feel or what’s gonna come up. There’s no slow motion. It just happens in real time and then the next moment and the next moment. My sister used to babysit me when I was three. And she would… she would… okay, I used to think this was a heartbreaking story about me. It’s a heartbreaking story about my sister Susie, because she was so, um… she was so starved for love, she was so needy for love. And she would come out and she’d say, “Sarah, if I drink this orange juice, I’m gonna turn into a monster.” And I was so scared. I wish I had the foresight to say, “Hey, how about don’t even pour the orange juice?” But I didn’t. I didn’t think that far ahead. I was three. And I’d go… “Susie, no no!” She’d go… whip open the laundry nook and put on this brown leather ski mask… which why the Silverman family needed a brown leather ski mask I still do not know. She puts it on and she like… I mean I thought I was going to die. I felt the feeling of I’m going to die when I was three. And then this is what’s so heartbreaking, she’d go… “I will only turn back into Susie if you hug me.” Like, I wish I had the wherewithal to be like, “Suse, you want a hug? I’d love to hug you. Let’s cut out the middleman where I shit my pants.” But instead I’m inching towards this monster I’m terrified of to hug it. Oh God, I’m sorry. That’s every relationship I’ve ever been in. There you go. Breakthrough on stage, HBO Special. She would take the… that threw me for a loop. She’d take the biggest knife out of the kitchen drawer and be like, “It’s so funny. Like, I could kill you right now. Isn’t that funny?” She gets so upset when I bring this up. No, she’s so sweet now. And she… it literally makes her cry when I bring this up, but thank God, umm… she doesn’t have HBO. But she’s like this liberal, hippy, feminist rabbi that lives in Israel now and she’s got five kids and her oldest daughter is going to Brandeis next year, which is… only from Israel can going to Brandeis be a step down in Jewy-ness. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Brandeis. It’s not technically a Jewish school, but I think the team mascot is a nose. If that helps you at all. Okay, this would be terrible if I had just made it up. I didn’t. This is really upsetting. But the University of North Carolina did a study and what they found was that 9/11 widows give great handjobs. And I… Don’t shoot the messenger. I wish it wasn’t true, but… or I am happy for them and their new… boyfriends. I made that up. I’m sorry. I made that up. I thought of it and it made me giggle, and then I got really sad, and then I still needed to say it to you. I don’t know what part of me needs to say to you that 9/11 widows give great handjobs. That’s dark. That’s something I’m gonna talk about in therapy. But I wanted to say it. I needed to say it to you, and so I built a frame around it that forced you to not be able to blame me for saying it. And… but you know what? I feel like you should take some of the blame. Honestly, because you decided to believe that the University of North Carolina would spend money on a study of, what? Trauma-based handjobs? That’s crazy. You’re crazy. You’re being crazy right now. Hmm, I need more rape jokes. I do. I… rape jokes are a hidden gem in comedy. Let me explain. Rape, obviously the most heinous crime imaginable. Rape jokes are great. No, because they make a comic seem so edgy and so dangerous. And the truth is it’s like the safest area to talk about in comedy, because who is gonna complain about a rape joke? I mean, I would say rape victims, but they’re traditionally not complainers. I know. That’s a tasteless joke about the fact that rape victims often don’t report rape. I mean, the worst thing that could happen really is someone comes up to you after a show and is like, “Look, I’m a victim of rape and I just wanna say I thought that joke was insensitive and inappropriate and totally my fault and I am so sorry.” Yeah! Right? Let’s take back the night back. Oh God. I hope I don’t have to say that, you know, no woman is asking to be raped. I actually do think there are some women who are asking to be motorboated. I have a dog who is 19 years old and that’s true. And he… you know, sometimes the audience claps because they’re really happy for me that I took care of a 19-year-old… No, forget it now! Don’t. Stop. He has got these beautiful big blue eyes floating over his big brown eyes and he, um… His breath, um… I’ve really really thought about this. His breath smells like if all the farts from all the different, like, cultures and nations in the world combine together… and then passed through my grandpa’s teeth. And he was constipated and it’s so heartbreaking. You know, when a dog gets constipated and they… you can tell because their little knees like quiver. They quiver. And he’s pushing so hard and then, like, something broke through and his mouth made a shape I’ve never seen on a dog. I didn’t know it was possible. It was like a perfect circle. Like, “Ohh!” And his little tiny rectum was bleeding… Awww. …and I went to take a picture and I… for the vet. “The vet”… is what I call Twitter. And… You know, when you take a picture, but it’s video and you don’t realize it? It was basically a picture, but it was like a second and a half and it had breath, ended with me going like, “Urg.” He’s great now. He shits like crazy. Only thing that keeps him from shitting in his pants is he… he… he doesn’t wear pants. That’s a terrible joke. If you do have a dog, here’s a great game. You’re gonna love this. When you’re having sex, lock eyes with your dog. And then you see who looks away first. It’s a fun game. Pussy. “Pussy” is a word… it used to have so much power over me. When I was in high school, the word “pussy,” it was so… it grossed me out and yet it was titillating and I just had… I felt like I had Christmas lights inside me. It just affected me so much. I don’t even understand how, but when I was young it was like if somebody said it or if I read it somewhere or sometimes I would write it down and look at it… Now I’m just dead inside. Pussy, pussy. Who cares? I found a way to make “pussy” gross again. It’s so simple. All you have to do is puff out your cheeks when you say it. Like, “Puhssy.” Puhssy. Puhssy. Now say that becomes old hat, you can add some elements: um, a deadness in the eyes, a lisp. “Puthy.” “Hey, man, you wanna go out and look for some puthy?” Puthy. Puthy. You look so confused. You don’t know how to feel. Just like me when I first heard “puthy.” If you’re drunk and throw up on a man’s penis mid-blowjob, you can save the moment if you can muster a “ta-da.” I love you guys. This is embarrassing. This is a… this is a confession, okay? Uh. Sometimes I get an orgasm from giving a blowjob. Is that normal? Is that, like… to get an orgasm from giving a… oh, not giving a blowjob, taking a shit. Ohh. I… you don’t understand. I’m at a show too. You’re my show and that joke… is so fun to tell because, like, at the first juncture, the guys are like this, and the girls are like this. And then it just goes whoo! It’s like the wave. Don’t forget God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there. I’m just kidding. There’s no God. I believe in miracles though. I really do. I mean, they’re obviously science-based. But… they’re beyond my comprehension, so to me they’re miracles. That’s what miracles are. And we are miracles. Think about this: every single person in this room tonight, all 39… including me, 40 of us, there was a time in history… a blip ago in the scope of history… where we were all microscopic specks. That was far out, right? Everybody got deep. There was a time where you could fit a million of me on the head of a pin. There was a time where I lived in my dad’s balls. That’s the only life I knew. There was a time where I literally was choking on my dad’s cum. I was five. No, I’m just kidding. That’s disgusting. Erase. That’s not part of that joke. I… It’s just it went in my head and then I… I couldn’t be alone with it. There was a time… my dad, Donny “Schleppy” Silverman, who does my taxes, who I Skype with every Saturday… there was a time where I literally exploded… out of the-guy-who- taught-me-to-ski’s penis hole. I can’t believe I was ever that thin. I’m an Obama person. Yeah? I like him. I’ve liked Obama since before he ran for president the first time, when he was a senator in Chicago. Not like I’m so smart or hoity-toity. I just… he was on Letterman and I thought he was cool. And I remember when he decided to run for president, I was like, “I’m gonna work on that campaign.” And I did. And because I live in Los Angeles, I could go to this fundraiser out here that was just star-studded, like a who’s-who. And you could walk… you know, he was just a senator at the time, so you could walk right up to him and pet him and I did. I wanted to think of something smart to say or a question to ask and I was like… “Senator Obama, when you were a student in Boston, did you ever encounter any racism?” And I’ll never forget what he said. He said… he said, “I’m Kanye West.” And I was like, “Totally. I’m Kanye West too. We all are. I get it. I get it.” We’re so divided. We live in a very divided country. Like, it’s crazy, you know? It’s not even about ideas anymore. It’s not even about ideals anymore. It’s just teams. It’s just the Red Sox and the Yankees. It’s just hatred, you know? And I think whether you’re liberal or you’re conservative, it’s so important to remember that we, all of us, love our families, love our country, believe what we’re doing is right. You know, maybe liberals are a little more open-minded, a little more progressive. You know, maybe conservatives are a little less progressive, a little more faggotish. But I pray for them. I do. I was just literally praying for the billions of teeny, tiny Republicans that die every single year in hookers’ assholes. I know what some of you are thinking, and you’re right, you’re right. “Really? That’s what you’re gonna pick on, the Republican Party? That’s what you’re pick… choosing to pick on? You know, I mean, surely there are Democrats that have butt sex with prostitutes.” You’re right. You’re 100% right. There are. But Democrats aren’t trying to take my rights away. So when a Democrat gives a hooker anal warts, she can then go to a clinic and get that shit zapped. It’s just bewildering to me that a party that is so about having big government out of their backyard is so intent on legislating my “puthy,” my pussy. My pu… my pussy. People don’t make the simplest connections, you know? Hmm, I feel like I have shit here. I don’t? That’d be my biggest fear. Okay. Do I have anything in my teeth? I ate blueberries. Yeah, people don’t make the simplest connections. I think because we’re so close to our own lives, you know, but even in deep ways, but even in not deep… like I used to work at a club… like a music club kinda like this. It had tables and I was… you know, I lit the candles at the tables and put the fliers out and stuff. And the band that was playing had sound check. And they did their sound check and left. But the drummer stayed and she was just sitting at her drums, watching me set up. And I was talking to her and I made some stupid joke and she goes, “Ba-dum-bump.” I was like, “You know that comes from drums, right? You’re sitting at drums.” It’s like people who go, “Don’t get your dog from a breeder! Get your dog from a shelter. You’re a fucking asshole if you get your dog from a breeder.” Okay, I agree. I got my dog from a shelter. But it’s always coming from a woman who’s like nursing a baby with four other kids and I just wanna say like, “Get your people from a shelter. You know there are human puppies in shelters, right?” But people don’t like people as much as they like dogs ’cause they don’t… they don’t see what they hate in themselves looking back in a dog’s eyes, you know? If Africa was just all Labradoodles dying of AIDS… we would take care of it in one day. But I wanna have kids. I’m great with kids. I am. I have a lot of bits. Like little girls between, like, two and six-ish, I like to go like this, I go… “I’m gonna tell you a secret. You cannot tell anybody. I’m a princess. But I dress regular so people treat me normal.” And their brains fucking explode. It’s so funny. And then the rest of the day, they’re spying me like I’m a celebrity, which I know I am, but a lot of toddlers don’t know that. And it does, it levels the playing field. Or boys or girls like toddler age, like two-year-olds, if their parents, like, introduce me, I like to go, “I’m your new mommy.” They’re so into their mommies at that age. – They’re always like… – “No, you’re not.” And then I go, “I’m just kidding.” And then just as they start to relax, I go, “I’m your real mommy.” That’s more just fun for me. But I do, I want a baby. The thing with me is, like, the caveat is I don’t want like a 10-year-old in 10 years. You know what I mean? I want a baby. I figured out a solution I think works for me. I’m not preaching it to anybody, but, um, like, I think I’m gonna adopt, like, terminally-ill babies… every six months to two years-ish or… I feel like there is a blanket of judgment in this area. Why? Are you thinking, “What kind of person would look to adopt a dying baby?” I mean, I think an amazing person. I’m amazing. I have a hu… my heart is too big. Like, I can’t take it. My heart can’t take… I don’t like being made to feel. Like Pixar movies? No fucking way. “Wall-E”? Like the idea to me of a lonely robot in space breaks me. Good, bad… I don’t wanna feel. I don’t like it. Like, my mother sent me an email that said, “Elephants reunite after 20 years!” Delete. I am not even gonna read that. That will kill me. I’m afraid it will kill me. Those commercials with a starving kid in Africa with flies buzzing around him? I have to remind myself, like, “It’s just an actor. It’s just an actor.” I love being able to see all 39 of you. Like, it’s so cool. But you know who’s amazing is the Make-a-Wish Foundation. Just to… you know, they… if you’re not familiar with what they do, they work with terminally-ill children and young adults. And what they will do is they will grant these kids any wish they dream up, except for not dying. Which I feel like I’m being nitpicky, ’cause what they do is amazing, but like, I feel like that’s gonna be maybe even like 60% of their #1 wishes. I just feel like if there was a suggestion box or something, I’d say, “Maybe call it Make-another-Wish.” You guys did a great job. I’m gonna reward you with an incredible song. Oh oh. Is this in tune? Are you a musician? Oh, you should get a haircut. All right. Let’s make this real hot and sexy. Nothing but the best for the Largo 39. ♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪ ♪ You better be a singer ♪ ♪ And not somebody ♪ ♪ Cutting me in line ♪ ♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪ ♪ You better sing a solo ♪ ♪ And not be someone treating me unkind ♪ ♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪ ♪ It better be for reals ♪ ♪ And not some sad, pathetic ♪ ♪ Kind of front ♪ ♪ If you’re selfish and you’re thoughtless ♪ ♪ And you’re broken ♪ ♪ And you’re heartless ♪ ♪ You’re probably not a diva ♪ ♪ You’re a cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cu-uuunt ♪ ♪ Cunt. ♪ Thank you so much. Good night! Hey, how did it go? Oh, it was, uh… you know, it’s hard to say ’cause it’s me and it’s… comedy is so subjective, you know. But I guess if I had to say in one word, I’d describe it as, like, “game changer.” Oh, that’s two words, what am I saying? Um… “mind blowing.” That’s two words again, God! Okay, I’m gonna have to describe it in two words. Uh, “great job, Sarah.” Hey! | Tell me I’m great. What? Tell me I’m great! Tell me I’m great! You’re crazy-8. Crazy great. Oh. I very rarely, occasionally, obsessively watch porn on my phone. And when I do, I integrate it into my nighttime rituals. I wash my face. I floss. I take a puff. Then I brush. Then I do my stretches. Then I type in my search words. Let me just say, my search words are not anything I would want to happen in real life. I don’t know why they’re my search words, but they are. A great man once said, “The heart wants what it wants.” So my search words are: gangbang… would not want that to happen in real life; um, amateur… ’cause I don’t like seeing, like, piercings and tattoos… it takes me out of it; cum… which I would not have thought you had to put “cum.” I thought that was a given in pornography. You have to put “cum.” If you don’t, you might not get cum. If anything, I would think you’d put non-cum if you don’t want cum. And then there’s one more. Oh, high-fives. So… I put my iPhone… I lean it against my water on my nightstand. And… I think I’m maybe the only person that watched this video all the way till the end end end, like when the video freezes. It’s, of course, a gangbang and, you know, basically ends with all the guys coming on the lady’s face. And… I don’t know why face was the quiet word there. All the men come on the lady’s face. And then right before the video freezes, I heard a guy say to her, “Hey, great job. I know you were sick.” You find humanity… in the oddest of places. So my mom was in the hospital and I visited her. I don’t need segues. The brain doesn’t work that way. A train of thought bounces around from thing to thing. But anyway, speaking of a whole bunch of men coming on a lady’s face, my mother’s been sick. And I visited her in the hospital and she said, “It’s weird, you know?” There was this Jewish volunteer service that came by and they were visiting the Jewish patients, which is nice, but isn’t that so, like, elitist? Like what, do they, like, banana around the non-Jewish patients? Like, “None for you.” But my mother’s last name is O’Hara. She married a John O’Hara. And she said, “They visited me. Like, how they did know I was Jewish?” And we looked into it and it turns out they count how many times you press the call button. I had a, um… you ever have a memory and you… that you haven’t had since the event happened? You know what I mean? It’s so crazy. I had this memory of being like three and I would shower with my mother. And, like, my mom’s… okay, my mom got her water from the showerhead, like that’s where she would get her water with which to cleanse herself. That water would then cascade down her ample bosom and, like, pike off of her ’70s Jew bush… that was my water. And that’s the thing, it was a happy memory. I associate it with happy. I don’t know why. Like, it was my very own curly shower or something. Maybe because we didn’t need words. You know, it wasn’t like she was like, “You get your water from my pubes,” you know. We didn’t need any of that. It was like I was… I was like a native that knew you could get water from this leaf or something. It was very… animalistic. I was a bedwetter well into my teens. And when you’re a bedwetter, there’s only one group of people you can feel better than: bedshitters. And unfortunately they’re hard to come by. You know? I love this… The HBO 39. But I grew up in New Hampshire, and there are not many Jews in New Hampshire. And we… we weren’t really raised with any religion. We were just Jewish in that it oozed out of our pores, you know. Um, but I didn’t feel so different until maybe like around third grade. Kids started blaming me for my people killing Jesus. I remember even then thinking, “It’s not like we killed baby Jesus.” I mean, the man, like… He had quite a run. He was 33. 33 is young. If someone dies now at 33, it’s terrible. But I mean, back then, in the olden oldie-timey times… 33 was like elderly. 33… dying at 33 was like he had a full life, you know. And by the way, you’re welcome. If we had not killed him, he wouldn’t even be famous. You know, and nothing seems crazy when you’re used to it. There’s so much crazy shit everywhere. We’re used to it. And everything seems crazy when you’re not used to it. That’s why so many comics make fun of Scientology, right? Because like… well, because it’s a batshit crazy religion, but it’s no more batshit crazy than, like, every single religion. It’s just new, you know. Christianity is super old, but it’s fucking crazy. I mean, it’s… you’re born a sinner. By being born, you are a sinner and you’re going to hell. But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven. No big deal. If you’re a murderer… same thing, it’s just apologize and go to heaven. You can be Hitler and go to confession and say, “Forgive me, Father, I killed six million Jews.” And the priest would just be like, “No problem. Say 10 ‘Heil’ Marys.” And Hitler goes to heaven. Hitler goes to heaven… is the name of my band. Scientology is weird because it’s new. It’s… it feels weird in our ear holes to hear people worshipping a guy named Ron. We know Rons in our life. He had to change his name to “L. Ron” because there was another Ron Hubbard in the Writer’s Guild. That’s how recent a religion it is. And people who follow their religion to the letter of the law are just silly. I mean, I want to tell Hasidic Jews, “I promise you, God will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in the summer. You’re being fucking ridiculous!” But we live in the greatest country in the world. A country where we have freedom of religion and separation of church and state, only we don’t at all and nobody says anything ’cause we’re used to it. It says, “In God we trust” on our money. It says, “In God we trust” above the judge’s bench in a courtroom, in a court of law where you have to put your hand on a Bible… the Christian Bible. It’s not my Bible. I mean, if… if I tell the truth, it’s because I tell the truth, not because I put my hand on a book and made a wish. It’s fucking crazy. That’s craziness. And stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. I think… I think it’s a mistake. Not because they can’t, but because it would’ve never occurred to them they couldn’t. You’re planting that seed in their heads. It’s like saying, “Hey, when you get in the shower, I’m not gonna read your diary.” “Hold on. Are you gonna read my diary?” “What? Are you crazy? I just said I’m not gonna read your diary. Get in the shower.” Girls grow up so fast. It’s like they don’t have childhoods anymore. They’re sexualized so early, you know. I… a girlfriend of mine has a little baby girl and I babysat her. I changed her diaper… totally shaved. Six months old. What a country. That’s my new catchphrase. I know that Yakov Smirnoff said it in the ’80s, but I’m repurposing it with a malaise. I just wanna shake girls. All the girls here, I wanna just tell you you don’t need a vaginal deodorant, okay? I know it seems like a real thing because there’s real commercials and for some reason we trust that… that commercials mean it’s real, you know? And there’s real products on shelves. No, it’s a made-up need made by greedy, money-addicted, faceless corporations preying on a woman’s greatest insecurity… smelly vagina. If you use regular soap and water in the show… use whatever you wash your asshole with. How about that? Surely that’s strong enough for your disgusting vagina. Rinse, and if when you get out of the shower, there’s still like something, like a rancidishness coming, um, go to the doctor. Don’t spray perfume on it. That’s fucking crazy. That’s what a crazy person would do. Do you see now? Are your eyes open? Are you living a conscious life? I’m lucky I don’t have to worry about that because… I’ve been with a few men who have told me that my vagina smells like a, um, a peach… a peach tree. A… a peach tree dish. Is that a thing? That joke took real acting. Real-life acting. You had the craziest reaction. He just… his arms were folded and he just went like… Like, “Oh, Sarah! You’re incorrigible.” Oh, I’m corrigible. It’s not all “The Man.” It isn’t. It’s not all corporate America. It’s us too. We have to take responsibility too. We shit on ourselves. We-we scrutinize ourselves. We-we-we… we think that self-deprecation is modesty. It’s not. It’s self-obsession, and there’s no room for anything else. You think… you think Mother Theresa walked around complaining that the tops of her thighs touched? I mean, they didn’t. She was stick thin, the fucking bitch. But she wasn’t like, “Okay, this is fine, okay? But it’s like then I clench and it’s all oatmeal.” No, she was busy. She had things to do. You know one thing I’ve noticed, people who say the phrase, “Threw me under the bus,” um, say it lot. You know? And I don’t think it’s because they get thrown under the bus a lot. I think it’s because they… they deflect blame a lot. I think it’s because they look inward not a lot. And I… you know, Jesus had a great quote… and I know all his quotes are great. There’s no Jesus B-sides. But… and I’m paraphrasing… but it’s basically like, “If you don’t deal with your shit, your shit deals with you.” You know, but it had like “doth” in it. And… it’s so true. And I made a short list that I think can help people who don’t look inward ever. Um, one: if you quit being cunty, the whole world will stop being against you. If you have terrible luck with roommates, you’re the terrible roommate. It’s you, doll. If you feel like the whole world is judging you all the time, you’re an alcoholic. I don’t know why, but specifically alcohol. Dear sirs, your middle-aged pierced ear tells a different story than you think it does. To women of a certain age: your heartbreaking and drastic attempts to look younger are the reason your daughter doesn’t dream about her future. Insecurity burbles up in all corners of us, you know. Either you have a chip on your shoulder, you feel like people are disrespecting you all the time, or you get really braggy. You want people to know who you know, but you, like, hide it by shitting on them. Like, “How many fucking videos of a monkey smelling his assy fingers and falling out of a tree can Helen Mirren send me? It’s like ridic.” Look at my space work there. It’s impressive, isn’t it? What does that tell you? BlackBerry. Guess what? Guess what? I don’t even own a BlackBerry. I shadowed someone who does for months… to do that bit. There are people that… it’s their survival. It’s the way they deal with life, to see themselves differently than the way the rest of the world sees them, you know. You get the idea if these people were one or two degrees more onto themselves, they’d fucking kill themselves. I consider myself one of them. I get out of the shower and I’m like, “Nice try, mirror. Those are obviously my mom’s boobs.” Sometimes insecurity proves you right. I mean, I… when I moved to L.A., I had an eyebrow. And my roommate at the time was like, “Hey, let’s go make this into two. Like, each eye can have one.” And so I went to her waxing lady. I had never been to like a waxing lady and the lady called me in and I’m like following her into a room and she turns around and she goes, “What are we doing today? Just the mustache?” I don’t have a mustache. What? I bleach my mustache. That means it’s invisible. Bright yellow means you can’t see it. But she did, she waxed it, and I remember walking out of the door and being like… I could feel the wind on it, you know? What about this one? “Yeah, whatever.” That, like, jerk-off thing. I believe that’s from insecurity. “Yeah, whatever. Pfftt.” What is a guy saying when he does that? He’s saying, “Whatever it is we’re talking about here, I don’t give a shit.” Really? I think you do give a shit. If he didn’t give a shit, wouldn’t he be just be like… I think you do give a shit, sir. What is he saying? He’s saying, “Whatever it is we’re talking about here, please don’t think I care. Oh my God, I would die if you thought I cared. In exchange, feel free to know my personal jerking-off style. It is so important to me that you think I don’t care about whatever it is we’re talking about here, I’m willing to exchange that for you knowing that my masturbation style is that, like, I don’t… I don’t move my hand. My hand is still and I, like, fuck my hand. My hand is locked. And then, like, I fuck… I pretend it’s a vagina. I’m not a faggot. And I fuck my hand. I make it like she’s shorter than me. Like it’s lower and I have to like scoop it in. Oh, fuck you. Sometimes I say it. I go, ‘Scoop. Scoop. Scoop.’ But please don’t think I care. Oh my God. I would die.” Traumatic things happened to that guy. Traumatic things happened to all of you, by the way. Traumatic things happened to all of us. We just don’t realize it because there’s no music informing us how to feel or what’s gonna come up. There’s no slow motion. It just happens in real time and then the next moment and the next moment. My sister used to babysit me when I was three. And she would… she would… okay, I used to think this was a heartbreaking story about me. It’s a heartbreaking story about my sister Susie, because she was so, um… she was so starved for love, she was so needy for love. And she would come out and she’d say, “Sarah, if I drink this orange juice, I’m gonna turn into a monster.” And I was so scared. I wish I had the foresight to say, “Hey, how about don’t even pour the orange juice?” But I didn’t. I didn’t think that far ahead. I was three. And I’d go… “Susie, no no!” She’d go… whip open the laundry nook and put on this brown leather ski mask… which why the Silverman family needed a brown leather ski mask I still do not know. She puts it on and she like… I mean I thought I was going to die. I felt the feeling of I’m going to die when I was three. And then this is what’s so heartbreaking, she’d go… “I will only turn back into Susie if you hug me.” Like, I wish I had the wherewithal to be like, “Suse, you want a hug? I’d love to hug you. Let’s cut out the middleman where I shit my pants.” But instead I’m inching towards this monster I’m terrified of to hug it. Oh God, I’m sorry. That’s every relationship I’ve ever been in. There you go. Breakthrough on stage, HBO Special. She would take the… that threw me for a loop. She’d take the biggest knife out of the kitchen drawer and be like, “It’s so funny. Like, I could kill you right now. Isn’t that funny?” She gets so upset when I bring this up. No, she’s so sweet now. And she… it literally makes her cry when I bring this up, but thank God, umm… she doesn’t have HBO. But she’s like this liberal, hippy, feminist rabbi that lives in Israel now and she’s got five kids and her oldest daughter is going to Brandeis next year, which is… only from Israel can going to Brandeis be a step down in Jewy-ness. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Brandeis. It’s not technically a Jewish school, but I think the team mascot is a nose. If that helps you at all. Okay, this would be terrible if I had just made it up. I didn’t. This is really upsetting. But the University of North Carolina did a study and what they found was that 9/11 widows give great handjobs. And I… Don’t shoot the messenger. I wish it wasn’t true, but… or I am happy for them and their new… boyfriends. I made that up. I’m sorry. I made that up. I thought of it and it made me giggle, and then I got really sad, and then I still needed to say it to you. I don’t know what part of me needs to say to you that 9/11 widows give great handjobs. That’s dark. That’s something I’m gonna talk about in therapy. But I wanted to say it. I needed to say it to you, and so I built a frame around it that forced you to not be able to blame me for saying it. And… but you know what? I feel like you should take some of the blame. Honestly, because you decided to believe that the University of North Carolina would spend money on a study of, what? Trauma-based handjobs? That’s crazy. You’re crazy. You’re being crazy right now. Hmm, I need more rape jokes. I do. I… rape jokes are a hidden gem in comedy. Let me explain. Rape, obviously the most heinous crime imaginable. Rape jokes are great. No, because they make a comic seem so edgy and so dangerous. And the truth is it’s like the safest area to talk about in comedy, because who is gonna complain about a rape joke? I mean, I would say rape victims, but they’re traditionally not complainers. I know. That’s a tasteless joke about the fact that rape victims often don’t report rape. I mean, the worst thing that could happen really is someone comes up to you after a show and is like, “Look, I’m a victim of rape and I just wanna say I thought that joke was insensitive and inappropriate and totally my fault and I am so sorry.” Yeah! Right? Let’s take back the night back. Oh God. I hope I don’t have to say that, you know, no woman is asking to be raped. I actually do think there are some women who are asking to be motorboated. I have a dog who is 19 years old and that’s true. And he… you know, sometimes the audience claps because they’re really happy for me that I took care of a 19-year-old… No, forget it now! Don’t. Stop. He has got these beautiful big blue eyes floating over his big brown eyes and he, um… His breath, um… I’ve really really thought about this. His breath smells like if all the farts from all the different, like, cultures and nations in the world combine together… and then passed through my grandpa’s teeth. And he was constipated and it’s so heartbreaking. You know, when a dog gets constipated and they… you can tell because their little knees like quiver. They quiver. And he’s pushing so hard and then, like, something broke through and his mouth made a shape I’ve never seen on a dog. I didn’t know it was possible. It was like a perfect circle. Like, “Ohh!” And his little tiny rectum was bleeding… Awww. …and I went to take a picture and I… for the vet. “The vet”… is what I call Twitter. And… You know, when you take a picture, but it’s video and you don’t realize it? It was basically a picture, but it was like a second and a half and it had breath, ended with me going like, “Urg.” He’s great now. He shits like crazy. Only thing that keeps him from shitting in his pants is he… he… he doesn’t wear pants. That’s a terrible joke. If you do have a dog, here’s a great game. You’re gonna love this. When you’re having sex, lock eyes with your dog. And then you see who looks away first. It’s a fun game. Pussy. “Pussy” is a word… it used to have so much power over me. When I was in high school, the word “pussy,” it was so… it grossed me out and yet it was titillating and I just had… I felt like I had Christmas lights inside me. It just affected me so much. I don’t even understand how, but when I was young it was like if somebody said it or if I read it somewhere or sometimes I would write it down and look at it… Now I’m just dead inside. Pussy, pussy. Who cares? I found a way to make “pussy” gross again. It’s so simple. All you have to do is puff out your cheeks when you say it. Like, “Puhssy.” Puhssy. Puhssy. Now say that becomes old hat, you can add some elements: um, a deadness in the eyes, a lisp. “Puthy.” “Hey, man, you wanna go out and look for some puthy?” Puthy. Puthy. You look so confused. You don’t know how to feel. Just like me when I first heard “puthy.” If you’re drunk and throw up on a man’s penis mid-blowjob, you can save the moment if you can muster a “ta-da.” I love you guys. This is embarrassing. This is a… this is a confession, okay? Uh. Sometimes I get an orgasm from giving a blowjob. Is that normal? Is that, like… to get an orgasm from giving a… oh, not giving a blowjob, taking a shit. Ohh. I… you don’t understand. I’m at a show too. You’re my show and that joke… is so fun to tell because, like, at the first juncture, the guys are like this, and the girls are like this. And then it just goes whoo! It’s like the wave. Don’t forget God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there. I’m just kidding. There’s no God. I believe in miracles though. I really do. I mean, they’re obviously science-based. But… they’re beyond my comprehension, so to me they’re miracles. That’s what miracles are. And we are miracles. Think about this: every single person in this room tonight, all 39… including me, 40 of us, there was a time in history… a blip ago in the scope of history… where we were all microscopic specks. That was far out, right? Everybody got deep. There was a time where you could fit a million of me on the head of a pin. There was a time where I lived in my dad’s balls. That’s the only life I knew. There was a time where I literally was choking on my dad’s cum. I was five. No, I’m just kidding. That’s disgusting. Erase. That’s not part of that joke. I… It’s just it went in my head and then I… I couldn’t be alone with it. There was a time… my dad, Donny “Schleppy” Silverman, who does my taxes, who I Skype with every Saturday… there was a time where I literally exploded… out of the-guy-who- taught-me-to-ski’s penis hole. I can’t believe I was ever that thin. I’m an Obama person. Yeah? I like him. I’ve liked Obama since before he ran for president the first time, when he was a senator in Chicago. Not like I’m so smart or hoity-toity. I just… he was on Letterman and I thought he was cool. And I remember when he decided to run for president, I was like, “I’m gonna work on that campaign.” And I did. And because I live in Los Angeles, I could go to this fundraiser out here that was just star-studded, like a who’s-who. And you could walk… you know, he was just a senator at the time, so you could walk right up to him and pet him and I did. I wanted to think of something smart to say or a question to ask and I was like… “Senator Obama, when you were a student in Boston, did you ever encounter any racism?” And I’ll never forget what he said. He said… he said, “I’m Kanye West.” And I was like, “Totally. I’m Kanye West too. We all are. I get it. I get it.” We’re so divided. We live in a very divided country. Like, it’s crazy, you know? It’s not even about ideas anymore. It’s not even about ideals anymore. It’s just teams. It’s just the Red Sox and the Yankees. It’s just hatred, you know? And I think whether you’re liberal or you’re conservative, it’s so important to remember that we, all of us, love our families, love our country, believe what we’re doing is right. You know, maybe liberals are a little more open-minded, a little more progressive. You know, maybe conservatives are a little less progressive, a little more faggotish. But I pray for them. I do. I was just literally praying for the billions of teeny, tiny Republicans that die every single year in hookers’ assholes. I know what some of you are thinking, and you’re right, you’re right. “Really? That’s what you’re gonna pick on, the Republican Party? That’s what you’re pick… choosing to pick on? You know, I mean, surely there are Democrats that have butt sex with prostitutes.” You’re right. You’re 100% right. There are. But Democrats aren’t trying to take my rights away. So when a Democrat gives a hooker anal warts, she can then go to a clinic and get that shit zapped. It’s just bewildering to me that a party that is so about having big government out of their backyard is so intent on legislating my “puthy,” my pussy. My pu… my pussy. People don’t make the simplest connections, you know? Hmm, I feel like I have shit here. I don’t? That’d be my biggest fear. Okay. Do I have anything in my teeth? I ate blueberries. Yeah, people don’t make the simplest connections. I think because we’re so close to our own lives, you know, but even in deep ways, but even in not deep… like I used to work at a club… like a music club kinda like this. It had tables and I was… you know, I lit the candles at the tables and put the fliers out and stuff. And the band that was playing had sound check. And they did their sound check and left. But the drummer stayed and she was just sitting at her drums, watching me set up. And I was talking to her and I made some stupid joke and she goes, “Ba-dum-bump.” I was like, “You know that comes from drums, right? You’re sitting at drums.” It’s like people who go, “Don’t get your dog from a breeder! Get your dog from a shelter. You’re a fucking asshole if you get your dog from a breeder.” Okay, I agree. I got my dog from a shelter. But it’s always coming from a woman who’s like nursing a baby with four other kids and I just wanna say like, “Get your people from a shelter. You know there are human puppies in shelters, right?” But people don’t like people as much as they like dogs ’cause they don’t… they don’t see what they hate in themselves looking back in a dog’s eyes, you know? If Africa was just all Labradoodles dying of AIDS… we would take care of it in one day. But I wanna have kids. I’m great with kids. I am. I have a lot of bits. Like little girls between, like, two and six-ish, I like to go like this, I go… “I’m gonna tell you a secret. You cannot tell anybody. I’m a princess. But I dress regular so people treat me normal.” And their brains fucking explode. It’s so funny. And then the rest of the day, they’re spying me like I’m a celebrity, which I know I am, but a lot of toddlers don’t know that. And it does, it levels the playing field. Or boys or girls like toddler age, like two-year-olds, if their parents, like, introduce me, I like to go, “I’m your new mommy.” They’re so into their mommies at that age. – They’re always like… – “No, you’re not.” And then I go, “I’m just kidding.” And then just as they start to relax, I go, “I’m your real mommy.” That’s more just fun for me. But I do, I want a baby. The thing with me is, like, the caveat is I don’t want like a 10-year-old in 10 years. You know what I mean? I want a baby. I figured out a solution I think works for me. I’m not preaching it to anybody, but, um, like, I think I’m gonna adopt, like, terminally-ill babies… every six months to two years-ish or… I feel like there is a blanket of judgment in this area. Why? Are you thinking, “What kind of person would look to adopt a dying baby?” I mean, I think an amazing person. I’m amazing. I have a hu… my heart is too big. Like, I can’t take it. My heart can’t take… I don’t like being made to feel. Like Pixar movies? No fucking way. “Wall-E”? Like the idea to me of a lonely robot in space breaks me. Good, bad… I don’t wanna feel. I don’t like it. Like, my mother sent me an email that said, “Elephants reunite after 20 years!” Delete. I am not even gonna read that. That will kill me. I’m afraid it will kill me. Those commercials with a starving kid in Africa with flies buzzing around him? I have to remind myself, like, “It’s just an actor. It’s just an actor.” I love being able to see all 39 of you. Like, it’s so cool. But you know who’s amazing is the Make-a-Wish Foundation. Just to… you know, they… if you’re not familiar with what they do, they work with terminally-ill children and young adults. And what they will do is they will grant these kids any wish they dream up, except for not dying. Which I feel like I’m being nitpicky, ’cause what they do is amazing, but like, I feel like that’s gonna be maybe even like 60% of their #1 wishes. I just feel like if there was a suggestion box or something, I’d say, “Maybe call it Make-another-Wish.” You guys did a great job. I’m gonna reward you with an incredible song. Oh oh. Is this in tune? Are you a musician? Oh, you should get a haircut. All right. Let’s make this real hot and sexy. Nothing but the best for the Largo 39. ♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪ ♪ You better be a singer ♪ ♪ And not somebody ♪ ♪ Cutting me in line ♪ ♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪ ♪ You better sing a solo ♪ ♪ And not be someone treating me unkind ♪ ♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪ ♪ It better be for reals ♪ ♪ And not some sad, pathetic ♪ ♪ Kind of front ♪ ♪ If you’re selfish and you’re thoughtless ♪ ♪ And you’re broken ♪ ♪ And you’re heartless ♪ ♪ You’re probably not a diva ♪ ♪ You’re a cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cu-uuunt ♪ ♪ Cunt. ♪ Thank you so much. Good night! |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-tucker-live-2015-transcript/ | Chris Tucker: Live (2015) – Transcript | chris tucker | [upbeat music playing] [exhaling] [indistinct conversations] [crowd cheering] [inaudible] [audience cheering uproariously] What up? Stop! Stop! [audience applauding] I’m so glad y’all came out tonight! Y’all here with your loved ones. Give it up for everybody here with a date! Y’all lookin’ good! First date. Yeah, y’all gotta be careful when you’re first datin’, ’cause people will do anything to get you, and then when you marry ’em, they change on you. And it’s men and women, too. ‘Cause you… Fellas, you, before you know– ‘Cause you see people, you out there with your dates, some of y’all datin’ now. See, you ain’t out with the real person, that’s their representative you out with right now. You don’t know who the hell you out there sittin’ with… until you marry ’em. [chuckles] ‘Cause, fellas, you ask a woman to do anything for you before you marry ’em, if they want you, they gonna do it. Men, too, they do the same thing. Men and women do it. Fellas, you can ask a woman, say, “Baby, you go get me somethin’ to eat? And somethin’ to drink, please? Something…” She’ll be like, “Okay. Is that all you want?” “Yeah, baby, that’s it. That’s it. Thank you, baby.” “No, thank you.” [audience laughing] “So, you want a lot, baby, or a little bit? Here you go, baby.” You do that. You marry her and ask her, “Baby, you get me somethin’ to drink? And somethin’ to eat, please?” [in gruff voice] “Go get your own goddamn drink. Who the hell you think you’re talkin’ to?” [audience laughing and applauding] [mouthing] What the fuck? “Baby, you hear that?” [in gruff voice] “Yeah, I heard! It was me, God damn it. Who the hell you think it was?” “Baby, what happened to my baby?” [in gruff voice] “Your baby right here, God damn it!” [growling] [screams] “I want a divorce!” [in gruff voice] “You can’t divorce me. You didn’t make me sign a pre-nup!” [screams] But marriage is good, though, marriage is good. You just gotta be careful, man. ‘Cause I’m tired of datin’. Datin’ ain’t cool, man. Datin’ ain’t… Especially, you know, sometimes you date and you think… You date a little younger than you, you think that’s cool. That ain’t cool, man. This new generation, there’s somethin’ wrong with ’em. I don’t know what’s wrong with ’em. I’m serious. I was datin’ this girl, and it was goin’ good, you know. I thought it was cool. I said, “This is gonna be good.” You know, we got close, it was wild, and we started makin’ love, and I was like, “This is good. She might be the one. She might be the one!” And I opened up my eyes and she was tweetin’. I said, “What the hell you doin’ tweetin’ with the– What is wrong with you?” [audience cheering] “Put that damn phone down! You are rude as hell!” She’s like, “People need to know what you doin’.” I said, “Uh-uh! No! Not this! No!” I took the phone and said, “What the hell are you tweetin’?” Talkin’ ’bout “Chris handlin’ his business.” I said, “You can tweet this, but that’s it. That’s it! That’s all.” What the hell’s wrong with you? Somethin’ wrong with this new generation. Better enjoy it. This might be it. This might be the last time. [audience laughing] Tired of datin’, man. I dated out of the country. You think people don’t know you that well, but they know. They know me over there, too. Dated a girl, man, who didn’t even speak English. I thought it was cool. My friend’s like, “Do you realize she don’t even speak English?” I said, “Do you realize I don’t give a damn? Do you see how fine she is?” All she knew how to say was, “Money! Money, Chris! Money!” I should have known there was a problem. She said, “What ’bout my family, Chris?” What ’bout…” I said, “What about your family? Shit.” “They need money, Chris. You have it. They need it!” I said, “Shit… I already got a family that want my money. No, you better go back to your village. It’s over. This is over.” “Chris, this is not right, Chris…” “You’d better go learn English, ’cause you don’t hear what I’m sayin’.”
I dated outside my race, I dated all… I dated a white girl. It was cool at first. She had me doin’ stuff I never did before, like showin’ up on time, and… [audience laughing] Got me hooked on Starbucks. It was pretty cool. Everything was cool till she took me rollerbladin’. Then we broke up. I almost broke my damn ankles messin’ around with her ass. She was leavin’ me and shit. She was good. She said, “Chris, come on. It’s okay. Follow me!” Spinnin’ around and shit. “Just relax! Go side to side like I showed you! You’re spillin’ your Starbucks, Chris. You can’t play basketball every day, Chris.” I said, “This shit sound racist. Slow your ass down, Samantha! Told you it was my first time. Get these goddamn rollerblades off me. It’s over. It’s over!”
I dated a ghetto girl. I was scared as hell every time… She said, “Close your eyes.” I’d be like, “For what? What for? What you want?” “Ain’t nobody tryin’ to rob your punk ass, Chris. Now put your arms up!” I was like, “People know where I’m at.” She said, “No, I don’t wanna date no damn punks.” Crazy, man! Datin’ is crazy, man. You gotta be careful, man. You gotta be careful. But you got somebody good, man, just keep ’em, man. Don’t go– Ain’t nothin’ out there, keep ’em. Nothin’ out there. You got somebody that’s half good, try to fix ’em! If they got small problems, not big ones. Those small ones, you can try to work with ’em. [audience applauds] And treat ’em right. Fellas, surprise your wife! Surprise your wife. Don’t be doin’ the same thing all the time. Buy her roses and sunflowers and even sunflower seeds. Whatever you can afford, I don’t care. “Now, listen, baby, they gonna grow. They’ll grow one day. You can eat ’em, too, baby.” She’ll go, “Lordy, that’s so cute. He’s so cute.” When I get married, I want my wife to have a sense of humor, ’cause I’m-a surprise her. She ain’t gonna know what the hell I’m-a do. She gonna be scared. She ain’t gonna know when I’m-a come home. She gonna always be cookin’ and be like, “Chris, that you? I’m cookin’ now. Don’t let me mess up this food! He’s so crazy.” I’m gonna come home, she won’t know what– I’m-a come home with a gun and a mask, through the window. “Get on the ground! Get on the ground! Whatcha doin’? Whatcha cookin’?” [screams] “Who are you?” “Baby, it’s me. It’s me, baby. It’s me.” [audience laughing] “You’re so crazy! I didn’t know who you were, fool. [kisses] You’re so stupid! Why you had to break the window, Chris? That’s the third window. So stupid. You better not have messed up my roses outside. I love your crazy ass. You make me sick. [kisses] So stupid. You’re always surprisin’ me. Chris!” I’ll be like, “I know you didn’t know who I was. Yeah, you didn’t know who I was. You scared? Why you scared? You was scared. I know you’re scared. You were reaching for the phone, weren’t you? Callin’ the cops?”
Don’t stop right there, fellas! Go up to her job. Go up to her job. Sneak up to her job. Gun and a mask. Go in and… “Get on the desk! Get on the desk! Get on the desk! You ain’t workin’. You ain’t workin’. You ain’t workin’.” “What are you doing, Chris? This is my job! You goin’ to make me lose my job! You’re so crazy. [moans] You’re so stupid. I love you. Your crazy ass. You’re so stupid! [kisses] Get outta here. I’ll see you when I get home. [whispers] Get out of here! Get out of here!” “I love you, baby. I love you. See you when you get home.” [audience laughing] Be careful, guys. Don’t play too much. One time she gonna come home and fool you. She’ll come home like, “You don’t have no business playin’ like that in the park.” [stammers] [audience laughing] “What the hell you talkin’ about? I was at work today.” -“You weren’t in the park?” -“Hell, no! You know I had to work! And why didn’t you call the cops? God damn, baby!” “It’s your fault! You play too much. I don’t know when the hell you’re gonna jump out of everywhere, and…” “It’s your fault. You knew I had to work today.” Be careful, though, fellas. If you wanna get married, ask the right people. Don’t ask the wrong people, because they give you the wrong advice ’cause their marriage is messed up. Ask the right people, ’cause I asked my Uncle John. I said, “Uncle John, I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ married. What do you think?” He was like, “Don’t do no stupid shit like that. Don’t do no stupid shit like that. You’re free. Get out there, boy. You’re a black stallion. Get out there and buck! Get out there and buck, boy!” [audience laughing] “Get out there and have some fun! You’re free.” I said, “Uncle John, you’ll put your back out actin’ like that. Stop it.” I ain’t ask him nothin’ else. I asked my granddaddy ’cause I thought my granddaddy’d give me better advice. I said, “Granddaddy, I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ married. What do you think?” I thought he’d give me good advice. He told me… He said he glad he recorded his weddin’, so he can rewind it and walk away a free man. [audience laughing and applauding] Any married couples like their marriages? -That’s good. That’s beautiful. -[audience applauding] I haven’t been married. I’m scared to get married. I’m scared. I just made some money. I ain’t tryin’ to lose the shit right away. Marriage sometimes ain’t a good business deal. I’m looking, you know. I’m looking, though, but, you know, I need a woman gonna help me, though. I don’t care nothin’ about fine. You gotta be more than fine. You gotta be able to– -[audience cheering and applauding] -That’s right. You gotta be able to do some other stuff. You got to be able to fill out a 1099 and shit. That’s right. You need to be able to help me out with my taxes and shit. You better have an accounting degree to be with me. Take care of your business, man. Don’t listen to people. Do your own business. Be careful who you listen to, ’cause that’s the last time I let Wesley Snipes help me out with my taxes! [audience laughing] [scoffing] Almost got both our asses locked up, man. I’m gonna kick Wesley’s ass! I wanted to Passenger 57 his ass! Nino Brown his ass. I’m serious, man. He told me and Ron Isley the same thing. Ron Isley was pissed off. I talked to him last night. Ron’s still mad about it. He said, ♪ I’m-a kick Wesley’s ass ♪ [vocalizing] I said, “Ron, let it go, let it go! Put the cane down! Put the cane down, Ron. You don’t wanna do this.” Wesley gonna tell us that mess… We was out one night in Hollywood, he gonna tell me we didn’t have to pay taxes. “Man, we ain’t gotta pay no goddamn taxes, man.” I said, “Wesley, what the hell you talkin’ about?” “I’m Blade. Blade don’t pay no goddamn taxes. You pay taxes, huh? [chuckles] Gee Money, you ain’t gotta pay no taxes and shit, man.” “I ain’t Gee Money, I’m Chris. What the hell is he talkin’ about? This ain’t New Jack City. Wesley, stop smokin’ that stuff!” Good thing about owing the IRS, though, everybody else got to wait. Bill collectors try to threaten you, they can’t even threaten you in this economy. Talkin’ ’bout, “If you don’t pay the house note, we gonna come and get it.” I say, “Well, shit, come get it. It’s upside down anyway. Come and get it.” [audience laughing] “Don’t you wanna talk about it?” -“No! You said you’d come and get it. Now, come and get this shit!” [audience laughing] “Well, let’s talk about it, Mr–” -“No, no! I don’t wanna talk about nothing. I don’t want that house no more anyway. I don’t go down there anyway.” People, you know, people will say, “Save your money.” You know, you’re young. You don’t want to hear that. They say, “Save your money for a rainy day.” I say, “Shit, it’s raining today. I’m about to go get me a Ferrari. I’m about to go have some fun!” I was doing crazy stuff, y’all. I was doing crazy stuff. I bought two houses right next door to each other. Just crazy. I was my own next door neighbor. It was crazy as hell. I was borrowing stuff from myself and shit. “You got some sugar we can borrow?” “You know I got some sugar we can borrow. What you talking about? You’re me and I’m you, man. Go on up there and get it.” “You ain’t gotta talk to me like that. Damn, dude. I ain’t wanna be rude. I was gonna ask you. Damn. You gonna act like that, long as I’ve been knowing you. Shit.” Crazy, man! I’m cutting back though, now. I’m saving my money. I’m smart. Being smart with my money. I ain’t doing that buying up all these houses no more. Smart! Me, Toni Braxton and Jermaine Dupri are getting an apartment together. [audience laughing and applauding] And Terrell Owens is movin’ in, too, with us. [audience laughing] [chuckles] And bill collectors get on my nerve, too. They get the– They get on your nerve. They call you. They call you, just messing with you. There’s no reason, just… I don’t care though. I tell ’em. I tell ’em. I say, “Look, people owe me, too. Shit.” “I’m serious.” I said, “Call Terry, he owes me $200. Put that down on the bill.” They say, “We don’t know who no Terry is, or where he is.” I say, “I don’t know where his ass at neither! Let’s find his ass! Can’t you see he’s the problem? Shit. We’re up here fussing, he’s running free with our money. You gotta look at who’s the problem here.” Bill collectors make me sick. They always go, “We need the money.” They act like you owe them the money personally. “We need the money.” I said, “Look, I don’t owe you a goddamn thing. You know what I mean? I owe the company the money. You stay the hell out of me and that American Express’ business.” American Express make me sick, too. I should have left home without it. They get on my goddamn nerve. They don’t tell you to stop, but they want their money when you owe ’em. “Uh, you’re overdue.” “So, why y’all didn’t stop me?” I’ve been getting so much on a credit card, I’ll be like, “I think somebody else did it.” I’m like, “Who the hell did this shit? I didn’t buy all this shit! When the hell did I buy a statue?” “May I remind you, I’ve seen you shopping with Michael Jackson.” “Oh, shit!” I remember that. Michael talked me into getting that shit. You ever loan somebody some money and they get an attitude with you when you ask for it back? And they’d be like, “God damn, man! Shit! God damn! You’re still worried about that little-ass money?” He looked me up and down like this, “Little-ass money…” “That shit wasn’t little when you borrowed it, God damn it! Give me my goddamn money!” “Rich as you is? Let me tell you how much money you got.” “No, what? No, no, you don’t know what I got.” “Damn, man, I told you I was gonna pay you on Tuesday. Shit.” “Well, you told me last Tuesday, not any Tuesday, man. Go get my goddamn money! What the hell is wrong with you?” That’s why when people ask me for money, I take pictures of them now. I take pictures ’cause they don’t remember. They don’t remember! When they was crying and shit when they was asking for the money, I take pictures of ’em. I say, “Remember this shit? Look at this picture. Look at it. Remember, you was begging. You was crying so much. You don’t wanna live no more. You see this shit. Give me my goddamn money, man!” Then they try to deny it, “Man, that ain’t me.” “That’s a close-up shot. That is you! That’s when you was on your knees. Right there! Give me my damn money!” You can’t trust nobody, man. I’m gonna be like Oprah. Oprah Winfrey don’t trust nobody. That’s why she’s so rich. Oprah don’t trust nobody. I remember one time Oprah invited all these celebrities to her house, and I came and all these celebrities were in her house, and everybody came over, and she had everybody in the yard. Wouldn’t let nobody in the house. We was like, “God damn! What kind of shit is that?” [audience laughing] Everybody asked everybody, “Have you been in the house?” “No, I haven’t, no.” -“You’ve been in the house?” -“No, that’s why I asked you.” “I mean, she won’t let nobody in there, but Gayle and Maya Angelou. Shit. Damn. ‘Cause she don’t trust nobody else.” I tried to get in with Maya Angelou. Told Maya Angelou I need to use the bathroom. “Miss Angelou, I gotta use the bathroom. Can I go in there with you?” She was like, “Hell, no, son!” [audience laughing] “Who the hell do you think I am? You know I’m wise. Oprah don’t want nobody in that house. I’m gonna get me a ride back on that plane. Shit, I gotta go home tomorrow.” Everybody want you to trust ’em. McDonald’s got two windows. Two windows! One where you pay and the other one where you get your food. I’m like, “Man, if I give y’all my money, I want my food, man. Same time! Same time! What the hell is wrong with y’all? You better go up there and get my goddamn food, man!” “Sir, sir, your food is at the next window, calm down.” “No, no, you take your ass up there. You go get my food and come back. I gave you my money, I want my food, man! I don’t know you, man! I don’t know who the hell at that next window. That could be another store. I don’t know who the hell up there.” People blowing their horns behind me, so I said, “Man, they’re playing with people’s food up here! Y’all can fall for this shit, but not me! Now, go get my food, man. You go up there and get my food, and you come back, that’s what you do. All right, you don’t wanna do that? I ain’t going then. I’ll stay right here. I don’t give a damn. [audience laughing and applauding] Go get my food, man!” They gonna call the cops on me. Do you believe that shit? Any cops in here? Where they at? Y’all play too much. Where they at? Cops play too much, don’t they? They play too much. They’re childish. Hiding in the woods, waiting for somebody to speed. Man, that’s childish! [audience cheering] You trying to go to work, they playing hide-and-go-see and shit. You know how they do, hiding and shit? Just hiding behind stuff. You know how they… [audience laughing] “Shit. Shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh!” [mimicking police siren] Making all that damn noise, messing up your hearing and shit. “Man, turn the shit down. You got me!” Messing up my damn hearing over a damn ticket! Then they’re talking with you like you’re some little kid. “Turn that goddamn car off, boy. Turn it off! APB, we need a three-four-five. Tupac just went through here like a goddamn bat out of hell. Get down here now! Where the hell were you going, boy?” “You ain’t my daddy. Who the hell are you? Don’t talk to me like that. You ain’t my daddy.” “Why was you speeding, boy?” “‘Cause I didn’t see you.” [audience laughing] “Why was you hiding, man? Tell me that. Why was you hiding? That shit ain’t fair, man! There’s good people out here trying to go to work. Playing games and shit.” “Boy, watch your mouth, son! Now, I ain’t gonna tell you again! One more time, out of you. One more time. Now, you’ve seen us behind you. Why the hell you start speeding up?” “‘Cause you was catching up, that’s why. I don’t just give up. My mama didn’t raise me like that.” Cops, man. That’s why I love when I get over on ’em. Don’t you love it when you get over on a cop? When you’re speeding and you think they got you but they done already pulled somebody over. Don’t you love that? You be speeding and you be like, “Oh, shit, he done got me. God damn. Oh, no, he done already got somebody. Oh, he’s not gonna stop me! [mimics car accelerating] Hey, man, you should’ve waited, man. I was going way faster than him. I got some weed and some cocaine!” [mimics tires screeching] Cop be mad at you, “Goddamn, son of a bitch! APB, goddamn, down here, now! Where the hell is that son of a bitch going? God damn it, I missed a big one messing with this old-ass lady.” Give it up for my boy, Michael Jackson. I miss Michael, man! I miss him. [audience cheering] Michael was the king, man! Real, like, true life king! Y’all seen me in the video? I was in one of his videos. Y’all seen me in “Rock My World”? I couldn’t believe I was in that video. I kept messing up the video looking at Michael. I was like, “God damn, I can’t believe I’m in this goddamn video!” Michael was getting mad. [mimics Michael] “Chris, what the hell are you doing? Chris, look straight. What the hell are you doing? You’re messing up my video, Chris!” I go, “Mike, I’m sorry, I can’t believe I’m in the video with you, man!” “Chris, believe it. Chris, believe it! Shit. You’re messing up my video, Chris!” [audience laughing and applauding] “Mike, I’m sorry, man. I can’t believe it.” Michael was so cool, man. Michael changed my name. I didn’t even say nothing. He started calling me “Christmas” and shit. First, I didn’t know who he was talking about. I didn’t know who he was talking to. He was like, “Hey, Christmas.” “Who’s Michael talking to?” Michael, “I’m talking to you, Chris. I’m talking to you. Your name sounds like Christmas. It’s beautiful, Chris. Reminds me of Christmas. Christmas trees, presents, fireplaces… It’s beautiful, Chris. You should keep it, Chris.” He convinced me. I’m like, “Do sound kind of good. Christmas Tucker. Okay, Christmas Tucker. Sounds pretty good. We’ll keep it for a little while.” Went up to Neverland. Michael had it cold. Michael had it cold. But Neverland was really, like, Neverland. You go there, Michael had big golden gates. You go through the gates, the music come on, everybody’s… [vocalizing] I’m like, “God damn! This really is Neverland. I don’t never, ever wanna leave. Shit.” It be fly, too. Michael had us ride on a little train to the house. “This is some shit, right here. Michael got a train in his house.” We get to the house. Man, Michael be sitting there, cold-blooded, like Michael Corleone. He’d be sitting in the living room. His people get your bags. You ain’t gotta worry about that. Michael be saying, “How are you? How are you doing?” We’d be sitting there talking, all of a sudden something magical would happen. Like, two giraffes just walk by the window. Like, “What the fuck was that? Michael, was that two giraffes just walked by the window?” “No, it was three. It was three giraffes, Chris. It was three.” “Michael, that was fly as hell!” “I know, I know. That’s why I bought ’em. That’s why I bought ’em.” “There ain’t no more animals free like that is there, man?” “Couple of elephants, one lion. We can’t find that lion.” “What? What? What the fuck?” “It won’t bite you, Chris.” “It won’t bite you, Michael. That lion don’t know me. Better find that damn lion.” Michael was cool, man. We’d hang out with Michael. Michael liked rap. He liked that 50 Cent song, “In Da Club.” He liked the beat, so he’d be jamming to the beat. We’d be riding in the car, Michael’d just be jamming to the beat. He’d be like… [beatboxing] Michael’d be getting down. He’d just play it back… [continues beatboxing] All of a sudden, you know… It’s cool till he starts singing the words. That’s when it sound crazy. He’s like, ♪ You see me in the club With a bottle full of bub… ♪ “Michael, Michael, no! Michael, no! Don’t sing the words.” “Chris, I love that song, Chris. I love that beat. I love it, Chris. That is a cold-blooded beat. I love that beat. Of course I wouldn’t go in the club with a bottle full of bub, Chris. I wouldn’t do that. But I love that song, Chris.” -“That didn’t sound right, Mike.” -“I know, but I love it.” He liked Rick Ross, too. He loved– Sometimes he’d be… Just going around places… [grunts] He’d be doing a song going… [grunts] I’d be like, “What the hell was that?” I said, “Michael, was that you?” “No, no.” -“Did you hear that?” -“I didn’t hear nothing. I don’t know what that was. I thought you did it. I don’t know who did it.” One time, I caught him. He’s all… [grunts] I said, “Michael, I saw you. I knew it was you!” “I’m sorry, Chris, I love Rick Ross. I love him. I love Maybach Music. I love… They’re so cool. He’s so crazy. [grunts] I love that. He’s so free. I wanna do that on my album. -[grunts] [audience laughing] He’s so crazy. So silly. [grunts] Crazy guy.” I said, “Michael!” One time I did something real cool with Michael, though. I went over Barry Gibb’s house from the Bee Gees. You know Barry Gibb. I was like, “Damn, this is fly.” We was watching the Oscars at Barry Gibb’s house of the Bee Gees. And we were sitting there and all and hanging out and stuff. And I said, “God damn, I’m sitting here with Barry Gibb and Michael Jackson.” And all of a sudden both of ’em start singing. They were singing “How Deep is Your Love.” I said, “God damn! This is Michael Jackson and Barry Gibb singing right in front of me. Ain’t nobody gonna believe this shit.” There was just me and a dog looking. The dog even seemed surprised. [mimics dog] “God damn, this shit is fly! Shit, what is this?” -I said, “Do you see this shit?” -“Yeah, I see the shit. Michael Jackson, Barry Gibb, sure.” So they start singing. Michael starts singing first. Man, I never heard him sing live before. He was like… ♪ How deep is your love? How deep is your love? ♪
♪ I really need to know ♪
♪ ‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools ♪
♪ Breaking us down ♪
♪ And we all should let it be ♪
♪ And the world should be… ♪ And then Barry came in. ♪ I believe in you ♪ [singing gibberish] And then I got caught up and came in. ♪ Come to you on a summer breeze ♪
♪ And you know I can stay and you know it ♪ And Michael’s like, “Chris, no. Chris, no.” [audience laughing and applauding] “Chris! Chris… No, Chris. What are you doing, Chris? Barry, I’m sorry, Barry. Chris!” I said, “Michael, I’m sorry, I got caught up.” “No, Chris, no. Stick with the jokes. Chris, no. What are you doing?” I said, “Sorry, Mike, I got caught up, man. -It sounds so good.” -“No, Chris, no! You said you wouldn’t say nothing, Chris. Barry, I’m sorry. Chris, what’s wrong with you? No. I’m sorry, Barry. I’m sorry. Chris, what are you doing?” “I’m sorry, Michael, it was just sounding so good, I thought I–” “No, Chris, no. Chris, go to the car, Chris, go to the car.” “Michael, man, I won’t say nothing else.” “I know you won’t say anything else, Chris. Go. Beat it, Chris. Beat it, Chris.” “Mike, I’m sorry, man. I–” “Chris, go, go, I told you not to– You always want to be starting something. Go, just go. Go. I don’t wanna hear it, Chris.” [giggles] Michael the man, man. Michael performed live, man, Michael was incredible, man. Michael’d do some… Michael’ll go out there and do… [vocalizes] He’d be talking to your girl, you don’t even say nothing. You don’t even say nothing. You’d be like, “You take her, Mike. Go! Go take her. I got to come with you though, Mike.” [giggles] Michael be coming to sing, going, ♪ Lookin’ out across the night sky ♪
♪ The city winks a sleepless eye ♪
♪ Get you alone ♪
♪ Shake my window ♪
♪ It’s such an amusing sight ♪
♪ When we say why, why ♪
♪ Tell ’em that it’s human nature ♪
♪ Why, why does he do me that way? ♪ Give yourselves a round of applause. [audience applauding] ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ Thank y’all for supporting and coming out here. Y’all got to stop messaging me about this Friday stuff. God damn, y’all. Thank you for supporting me in the movie. Everybody want to see me do another Friday. I go through the airport, and the security people just stop me just to ask me that. “Oh, I got to do a check here. Hey, man, you gonna do another Friday? Turn around, man. Turn around. Come on, man. Wish you would do it. Cube wanna do it. Come on, man, do it. It’d help you with your taxes. Come on, man.” “Stay the hell out of my business. Do your job. Make me late for my flight.” I appreciate y’all lovin’ the movie. I ain’t gonna do another one. ‘Cause Cube didn’t pay me for the first one, shit. [audience laughing] He said he’d give me some CDs and some weed. I said, “Hell, no.” [mimicking Ice Cube] Talkin’ bout, “You ain’t even tried it yet, Chris. You ain’t even tried it yet.” Cube, I don’t want no damn weed. I want some money! Cube’d be talking to you, but it’s like he rapping to you. [rapping] ♪ You can do it Put your back into it ♪ “Is he rapping or talkin’ to me? Cube, what’d you say?” [rapping] ♪ Don’t stop Get it, get it ♪ “Man, would you stop rapping to me?” He’s doing movie lines. “Either they don’t know, they don’t show, or they don’t care what’s going on in the hood.” I said, “Cube, that’s Boyz n the Hood, man! Would you stop acting?” My family tripped out when they found out how much money I was making. My family acted a fool. They just act cray, all of them. They found out how much money I was making, all of them just quit their jobs. They just quit. I said, “What the fuck?” I said, “Wait a minute. What y’all doin’?” They were going around singing, ♪ We rich, we rich We ain’t gotta do shit ♪
♪ We rich, we rich We ain’t gotta do shit ♪
♪ We rich, rich, rich ♪
♪ We rich, we rich, we rich ♪ I said, “Y’all ain’t rich. I’m rich. You better get y’all jobs back before it’s too late. Shit. What’s wrong with y’all?” It was crazy, man. Everybody wanted something, man. My brother was reminding me of stuff he did for me when I was five years old. He said, “Man, remember that time you was walking across the street and that car was comin’? And I said, ‘Hold up, wait a minute.'” [audience laughing] “You got to remember that, man. Chris, you wouldn’t even be alive now, man. Loan me the money for the house, man. Damn.” I said, “I don’t remember. I’m too young, I was too young.” You can’t ask nobody how they’re doin’. It always leads back to money. I asked my Uncle John. I said, “Uncle John, how you doing? Good to see you.” “Oh, man, God damn!” [audience laughing] “God! Chris, man. [groans] Chris… Really bad. Oh, Chris, Chris, Chris…” You know somebody in some pain when they say, “Oh…” They’re howling your name. [moaning] “Oh, Chris, Chris I’m so glad you said something, son. The Lord must be speaking to you today, Chris.” [audience laughing] “Chris… I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna pay all these damn bills, Chris.” I said, “Uncle John, I don’t know how the hell you’re gonna pay them neither! God damn! I just asked you how you was doing, man! Damn! Why everything gotta lead back to money?” On a trip, man. My daddy tripped out. My daddy tripping, going to tell me his doctor said he need a new car ’cause the old car messin’ up his back. I said, “Daddy!” [audience laughing] He gonna swear me down, “Look at the prescription. That’s what the doctor said. Look at the prescription. Nobody trying to trick you. Shit. That old car killin’ me, son. That’s what the doctor said. You want your daddy to die, boy? Go on, look at the prescription. See that, it need to be blue and convertible. It’s good for my spirit, son. That’s what the doctor said. I didn’t make up nothing like that.” I said, “Daddy, no.” My daddy wanted a new car because I bought my mama a new car. ‘Cause you know, when you make a little money, first thing you do is take care of your mama, right? You take care of your mama. [audience applauding] In black families, that’s what we do with this new generation money, take care of your mama. But then my parents, they separated when I was young, which is cool ’cause my daddy was always around. They separated and then I bought my mama a car, my daddy wanted one. Well, I said, “Daddy, I ain’t going broke ’cause you and Mama don’t love each other no more. I ain’t buying no two cars, I ain’t doing it.” I said, “You better get back with Mama. Shit.” I said, “Ride in the back seat. Y’all ain’t gotta talk. Shit. So what’s love got to do with it?” My daddy left home, he left home when I was younger and stuff. He thought we was all sad, but we was cool because it was like, “Shit, it’s too crowded in the house anyway.” We were happy. “He need his own place. Shit. Always turning the TV and shit. Nobody wanna watch no damn Dallas.” [chuckling] He thought we were sad, and he came back one day to talk to us, we was like, “Oh, shit, I know he ain’t comin’ back, is he?” I said, “Daddy, you ain’t coming back, are you? Don’t be a quitter now.” [audience laughing] “You don’t want us to grow up to be quitters, do you? Besides, we done took your room. Mama in our room now. We got the big room.” “Go get your ass out in front of me.” I worked for my daddy, too. Don’t work for family. You ever work for family? Don’t work for family. You ever got a whoopin’ at your job? That’s embarrassin’ as hell. My daddy would… My daddy would whoop us anywhere. “Get your ass in there. Do what I told you to do.” I’m like, “Daddy, come on, wait till we get home.” “You don’t wait for me, God damn it. -You’ll do what the hell I tell you to.” -“Daddy, please!” My daddy come home and just whoop everybody in the house. Be whoopin’ my friends and shit. “Get your ass up there. Do what I told you to do.” “Mr. Tucker, Mr. Tucker, I ain’t your son!” “Get your ass out of my house, then. I told you not to come down here. You need an ass-whoopin’ anyway, God damn it.” “I’m-a tell my daddy.” “I catch him in my house, I’m-a whoop his ass, too!” One time, my daddy whooped me and my brother like slaves. Like two slaves, ’cause he came home, he was mad. He came home from the Atlanta dairy, he was mad. We didn’t know he was mad. We did something, broke something, so we tried to tell on each other. So we ran up to him, -“Daddy, he did it.” -“No, he did it, Dad.” My daddy whooped both of us. He said, “Both of y’all go downstairs, take your clothes off, and lay on the couch.” We was like, “What the fuck?” [audience laughing] “What Daddy say?” [breathing heavily] “All I heard was lay down there butt-naked or something, on the couch.” “Oh, shit. We shouldn’t have said nothing, man.” We were downstairs, man, my daddy was– Waiting, butt-naked on the couch. Lookin’ at each other, “What the hell we do, man? Why did we say something?” [sobbing] My brother tried to be strong, “Be strong, boy. You hear me, Chris? Don’t let him break you, Chris. Don’t let him break you.” [sobbing] “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” “Cry inside, Chris.” “Okay, okay.” He hit my brother first, he’s like… [popping] My brother said, “Ahhh! Daddy, I’m sorry, Daddy!” I laughed so hard, I didn’t even hurt when he was whooping me. [laughing] “Daddy. Daddy, stop.” We were in the room, like, “What’s all that ‘be strong’ shit? What happened to that, where did that go? Hmm? Where’d that go?” “Daddy hit me hard ’cause I’m older and shit.” “Yeah, right.” Yeah, man. My daddy is somethin’ else, man. It’s a trip though, being the youngest. I’m the youngest of six kids. You learn a lot when you the youngest of six kids. You learn what not to do. ‘Cause I seen my brothers and sisters get whoopin’, and I’d be like, “What’d you do? Why Daddy whoop you like that? God damn. Shit. Daddy tore your ass up, what’d you do?” “I didn’t take out the garbage.” “All that was over garbage? Shit. Damn. Daddy’s serious about the garbage, huh? [exhaling sharply] What day the garbage man come? What day? Tuesday. Okay, I’ll remember that shit. Tuesday.” Being the youngest, you don’t get no college fund. My brothers and sisters messed that all up. I asked my dad about college, he was like, “Shit. You better find something to do. Talk to your brothers and sisters. They had your college fund. They messed it up.” That was okay, though, I didn’t care, shoot. I barely got out of high school. I wasn’t gonna start that shit all over again. I was barely… I barely got out. My teacher kept me back. I said, “What you keepin’ me back for? I don’t wanna see you again and you don’t wanna see me again. Let me go! See what I can do. Let me be all I could be!” I used to get on teachers’ nerves, they used to hate me. They used to get mad. They’d say, “Listen, Chris, if you act up again, I’m gonna call your mama.” I said, “If you gonna call my mama, you gonna have to pay the phone bill, ’cause the phone been cut off for two weeks.” [audience laughing] She’d be pissed off, “Get out of my room! You make me sick! Go to the principal office!” I’d go to the principal’s office, I didn’t care because I was in the principal’s office so much, I was cool with the principal, we were tight. He’d be like, “What’d you do this time? Get in here, get in here. Get in here, close the door. Sit down. What’d you do this time?” -“Call my mama, pay the phone bill.” -“Man, you crazy! You’re a fool, Chris. You’re a fool, boy. You gonna make me suspend your ass. I’m just playing. I’m just playing. We ain’t gonna suspend you. Give me my peanuts.” I used to sell candy. I had the principal hooked on peanuts. He was hooked on salt. He’d be mad if I don’t show up. “Where the hell you was yesterday? Shit. Shit. You got me hooked me on this shit, and you don’t show up for school. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, boy. I can only do so much, Chris. You know I’m playing. Get out of here. Don’t be late, boy. Don’t be late again.” School was fun, man. I found out– I tried to play sports, you know, every guy wanna play sports. I ended up not playing it. I wasn’t that good. I tried to play football, I wasn’t that good. I broke both of my wrists in practice and shit. Ambulance came, they were like, “God, how you do that shit?” I said, “Man, just take me to the doctor. God damn. I don’t know how I did it. Damn! Take me to the hospital! Stop asking all these damn questions! Shit.” I used to play, man, ’cause I wanted that jersey for pep rally. I wanted that jersey ’cause I wanted to run out there. That’s how you get the girls. I used to run out there in the pep rally, I used to run out there. Jersey clean, I ain’t played one game. Coach never let me in a game. I’m up there, I be in the bench talking about the team ’cause we losing, “They sorry as hell. We’d win if he’d put me in the game. Shit.” One time, somebody got hurt. Coach put me in the game. I was like, “What the hell?” He said, -“Tucker, get up here!” -“What the hell he want?” “I want you to go in the game, wide receiver. Somebody got hurt.” “Shit.” I didn’t know none of their plays. I was like, “Shit. Coach, game almost over–” -“Get in the game!” -“What–” I got out there, I ain’t care, I said, “Okay, shit, I’ll go out there.” Quarterback say he’s running with– In the huddle, he said we gonna run, run the ball. They gonna run the ball. I said, “He ain’t gonna throw it to me, so I’m gonna have some fun.” I was good, because I played with my older brothers and sisters. I could fake somebody out in a minute, I was good. Playing street ball. I could… Whoa! I said, “I’m gonna fake them out. I’m gonna get out there.” He hiked the ball, and I faked it. Ah! He fell down. I was like… [whooshes] I was out there, I said, “Oh, shit.” I saw my mama in the stands, I said, “Hey, Mama. I’m going pro. I’ll buy you a house, Mama.” I knew I was cool. He was gonna run the ball. All of a sudden, quarterback threw the ball at me, I was like, “What the fuck are you throwin’ it at me for? Oh, shit, that ain’t the play, God damn, man! He knew I didn’t go to practice last week. Shit.” I was hoping something would happen, like a bird would hit the ball or somethin’, a little rain or somethin’. Ball came, I dropped it, I was like, “Shit.” My whole family was up cheering. Everybody’s like… I dropped the ball, they was like, “That ain’t our brother. Our brother’s number ten. We don’t know who that was. We don’t. Come on, Mama, let’s go. Come on, he gave up on us, we’re gonna give up on him. Shit. Embarrass the Tuckers like that. Let’s get out of here.” Oh. We had fun in school. My daddy one of the daddies, he’d do stuff with us. That’s what he was cool about. He did a lot of stuff with us. But it was cool until he forget we was his kids and shit. One time, he called my sister a bitch, and we was like, “God damn, Daddy!” We was playing cards and she said he didn’t put up. He got mad as hell, “She gonna tell me what I God damn did, shit. I put my money up.” -We was like, “Daddy!” -“I don’t give a damn shit. I knew her when she couldn’t talk or walk. Don’t tell me what I did, God damn it.” My sister was crying. I was like, “It’s gonna be all right.” [crying] She’s like, “Uh-uh, uh-uh. My daddy called me a bitch. Uh-uh.” I said, “Stop it, stop it. It’s okay. He done called everybody something. He called me a punk bitch. Let it go. Now get your head up and get back in the game.” My daddy funny, man. One time he lost his mind playing cards over at my sister’s house. Lost his mind. He was losing a lot of money, and lost his mind. He thought my sister’s roaches was helping her cheat. Boy, it got shit crazy. ‘Cause he kept getting bad hand after bad hand. He just got frustrated. He was dealing and– We didn’t know how much money he lost, but he just got to hallucinating stuff. He would be just shuffling his cards. [mouthing] “Shit.” He’d shuffle them again like his hand gonna change. [audience laughing] “I knew there was some shit going on in here. How long that goddamn roach been on that wall, looking at my goddamn hand? I wanna know who the hell working with this roach.” My friends are all, “God damn. Your daddy crazy as hell. We quit, man. Y’all can have the money. There’s something wrong with your family, man. Y’all gotta work that shit out.” My mama wasn’t like that. My mama was different, my mama was strict. Anybody got a strict mama? My mama told you something, she meant it. One time, my mama told me… I got lost in the mall. My mama didn’t even look for me. She didn’t even look for me. I had to find a security guard to help me look for my mama. I was like, “Come on, man, hurry up, before she leaves. Mama! Mama, where you at? Mama! I’m sorry!” Man, I went everywhere in that mall looking for my mama. My mama wasn’t even in the mall no more. Found my mama in the parking lot backing back. I was like, “There she go. Mama! [sobbing] I’m sorry, Mama.” She’s like, “Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. I thought you had a ride home. The car is too full.” [mimics engine accelerating] [mimics tires screeching] “Mama, I’m only five years old!” “But you think you grown. I told you not to leave my side!” [mimics engine accelerating and tires screeching] “Mama!” I thought she was gonna come back, she left me out there all night long, I’ll tell you something. [sniffles] Wouldn’t nobody even kidnap me. Kidnappers don’t kidnap black kids. We too much trouble. We ask too many questions. We’ll be in the backseat asking questions, we won’t be quiet. We’ll be scared, but we wanna know what’s going on. [breathing shallowly] “Mr. Kidnapper? Mr. Kidnapper? Where we going? Mr. Kidnapper? When we gonna eat?” [audience laughing] “Mr. Kidnapper? Mr. Kidnapper? Can you put the radio to a black radio station, please?” [audience applauding and laughing] “Maybe a little Babyface, Earth, Wind & Fire or somethin’? I’m getting a little scared, man.” Kidnapper just goes, “Just get the hell out, boy! Get the hell out of the car! Drive me even more crazy, God damn! Do you realize your life is in danger, boy? Get out!” [sputtering] “You kidnapped me, man! You get more money if you keep me alive. Shit.” Yeah, my mama, man, she didn’t play, man. My mama made us go to church. Made us. We hadn’t even sinned yet, we still had to go to church. “All right, get up. You are going to church!” “Mama, can’t the preacher come here sometimes? We always going to him. He can preach on the kitchen table, Mama.” “Get up! You are going to church! Make me sick. Making me late.” She’s always talkin’ bout we making her late. And she ain’t dressed, neither. Walkin’ around with her bra on. “You are making me late! I can’t get dressed fooling around with y’all!” “You can’t get dressed ’cause you ain’t dressed, Mama. You late, too. We’re just a late family.” “Making me sick!” She’d be mad at us every Sunday. She’d fix her some breakfast, she wouldn’t fix us nothin’, she’d be mad at us. We’d be so late she gotta eat it in the car. She’d come to the car with her food. And one time she brought it to the car and gave it to me to hold, but I didn’t hear what she said, and I thought she was giving it to me. And I ate my mama’s breakfast. Man, I ain’t never seen her this mad before. ‘Cause all I heard was, “Here.” I didn’t hear, “Hold this.” I didn’t hear that. And she says, “Get that door! Get the door! You make me sick. Every Sunday, we gotta go through this! Here! Hold that.” And I got it, I was like, “Huh? I thought Mama was mad at us. Well, she said, ‘Here.’ Why’d Mama fix me coffee?” My brother was in the backseat, “Man, what the hell you doing? That’s Mama food.” “Shut up. Can’t stand to see me have nothing. Just like Grandmamma said, ‘Crabs in the bucket. Don’t even have to put a lid on the top.’ Mama fixed this for me! Mad ’cause you ain’t in the front seat. Make me sick.” All of a sudden, my mama said, “Hand me my plate.” “Shut up. Mama, what’d you say?” “Boy, I said, hand me my plate!” “Mama, you mean the plate you gave me?” “Boy, the plate I told you to hold!” “Mama, you said, ‘Here.'” “Boy, I said, ‘Here, hold my plate.'” “Mama… [whimpers] Mama… Mama, you still love me, Mama?” “Boy, what are you talking about?” “You know how sometimes I be doing stupid stuff, Mama?” “Oh, I know you didn’t sit up there and eat my food! You get out of this car and you walk to church. You hear me? You get out and you walk to church! You got enough energy, get out of here!” [sputtering] “Mama, I’m sorry! I left you the biscuit, Mama!” I had to walk all the way to church, y’all. I didn’t care, I was full. I got in the back of the church, my brother was back there. We were back there talking. My brother was like, “You crazy.” I said, “You crazy. Let Mama treat you like that.” My brother’s like, “You gonna go to hell.” I said, “You already living in hell.” We back there talking and my mama friend see us and say… “Uh-uh.” Sister Russell saw us back there talking, she went, “Uh-uh. Back there embarrassing Sister Tucker. They ought to be ashamed of theirselves. Somebody get Sister Tucker. Touch Sister Tucker. Mmm-mmm. Chris back there talking. Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary! Hey! Mary, look. Mary. Mary, look. Look, Mary.” [mouthing] “He made it to church. I thought somebody was gonna kidnap him, you make me sick! Back there talking! Chris! Chris, shut up! Shut up, boy! You hear me? Shut up!” And I knew she couldn’t get up and move, ’cause it was the middle of the church, so I said, “Mama. You shut up, Mama.” [audience gasps] My mama… “Boy, are you done lost your mind, Chris? Now, I said shut up, boy.” “Mama, I said shut up, lady.” “You wait till after church, you wait till after church, Chris.” “No, Mama, you wait till after church, Mama. You hear me? You wait till after church, Mama! Ain’t gonna fix nobody no breakfast!” “Boy, you done went crazy, boy! -You, you wait–” -“Mama, you wait, you wait.” My mama so mad at me, they thought she was shouting. She mad at me, “Lord, I’m-a get him, Lord, I’m-a get him! He ate my breakfast, Lord, he ate my breakfast!” [chuckles] I love church, man. I love going to church. It’s fun in church. I like to see the people shouting in church. Especially the older ladies shouting in church. You know, the mothers? ‘Cause the mothers, they don’t go to clubs no more, so the only chance they get to dance is in the church. So they be getting down. They be sharp, too. They be having their suits on with the– Shiny, with the pretty hats and they get to shoutin’. They be getting down, they be like, oh… I be like, “Get down, Sister Scott.” Sometimes I go out there with them, “Go ahead, Sister Scott. Go ahead, Sister Scott! You still got it, Sister Scott!” “I know I still got it, boy. You gonna get in trouble, Chris. Your mama looking at you, Chris. Your mama right over there. 1952, doing the romp here, baby. I ain’t lost a step, look at that. Your mama gonna get you, boy. You crazy. I heard you ate her breakfast. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. What is wrong with you?” “How’d you hear about that?” Man, mothers know everything. It’d be scary sometimes in church. You know the people that run around in church scare everybody. They just bust out screaming… [screams] “Hallelujah! Thank you, Lord!” Even the pastor be scared. “Who the hell was that? There’s a demon in the church. Go to my office and get my oil… and a hot rag. I’m gonna get that demon right up out of this church. We not gonna have this in this church. That ain’t one of my members. I know all my members. And ain’t none of them that crazy.” Some preachers be a trip, don’t they? Some preachers be stingy. You ever been to a church, preacher’s stingy? Preacher have a pitcher of lemonade up on his pulpit, and two cups, don’t offer nobody nothing. Talking about, “Can I get an amen, church?” “Hey, man, pass some of that lemonade! You know it’s hot in this church! You know the water fountain don’t work.” -“Who said that?” -“Me, the brother in the fifth row! Hot as hell in this church!” “Who the hell in the fifth row?” Church be hot! You don’t care. Church be so hot the flies leave. “We going to a white church. It’s too hot in here. Let’s get the hell out of here, come on. [buzzes] Shit, the window closed. Somebody open the window! Oh, shit, man. We don’t want to be no member no more! Come on, man! Let’s get the hell out of here. Let us go! Y’all, n i g g azz.” [audience laughing] [chuckling] Preacher be moving too fast through the Bible, he don’t care nothing about this. He don’t wait on nobody. “Now, turn to John 45. I’ll wait for you.” You’ll be looking for it. “Hey, is John in the front of the Bible, or the back of the Bible? Hey, is John in the front of the Bible? Something wrong with my Bible, I think it’s broken. God bless you. God is going to bless you. You mean like that.” Soon as you get to John, “Go to Luke 45.” “Pastor, slow down.” -“Who is that?” -“Me, the brother in the fifth row! Nobody don’t know the Bible like you.” “Who the hell is in the fifth row?” “I don’t know, some brother.” Then the preacher keep you there all night long. Then got the nerve to say, “I want you all to come back for tonight’s service. It’s gonna be a fine, dandy time tonight.” I’m like, “Man, look outside, it is tonight. Look outside, it is tonight! We done been here all damn day.” “Who the hell is in the fifth row? Get him out of here! Messing up my sermon.” Now I’m a father. I’m a father now, I’m raising my son. -[audience applauding] -Thank you. Kids are free, man. Kids are the only people on Earth that can come and stare you in the face, look at you, and then walk away, don’t say nothing. Kids do it all the time. They just come up to you like this. [audience laughing] They make you feel uncomfortable. “Hey, little kid! What’s wrong with me? Come back here! Stay free, little kid. Stay free, man!” Kids tell you the truth. They’ll tell you if your breath stink, too. They’ll tell you. Kids will tell you, “Your breath stink.” -“What? What you talking about?” -“Your breath stink.” “Don’t talk to me like that.” “Don’t talk to me like that. Your breath stink.” “Your breath stink.” “No, your breath stink. You just say that ’cause your breath stinky.” You don’t know whether to be mad or nice to them. “Thank you. Bad-ass kid.” ‘Cause grown-ups ain’t gonna tell you your breath stink. They just walk around with y’all, they’ll tell everybody else. “Man, you smell his breath? God damn, he smell! Whoo! Shit! Did you smell his breath? [laughs] I gave him some gum, the gum didn’t want to go to him. I was like, ‘Damn.’ I mean, his breath be kicking it. Can smell it over the phone. I’m talkin’ bout, his breath stinks.” I wanna take my son to Africa, though, I wanna take him to Africa. Any of y’all ever been to Africa? Go to Africa. Especially if you’re black, go see your ancestors. I went to Africa, they took me out there, I went out there for a genealogy thing. I went out there to see my ancestors. They took me out there, I did this thing. And they took me out there. They took me way out in this village, on this dirt road, all the way out to this village. They took me, and they showed me and said, “These are your people.” I said, “Don’t none of these people look like me. They done tricked my ass, got me all the way out here in the desert.” I was about to leave, till one of them reminded me of my Uncle John. He was like African Uncle John. He’s like, [in African accent] “Oh, my God, it’s so good you are here, Chris! I am so glad you are here, man. You don’t know how much… we pray for this day, man. I don’t know how the hell we gonna pay for this village, Chris.” I said, “I don’t know how the hell you gonna pay for it neither, man. Well, African Uncle John, I already got an African Uncle John. Now, I brought y’all some Coca-Colas and some shoes and I ain’t giving y’all nothin’ else. Where’s my Jeep? Get me the hell out of this village! Get me out of here!” When you’re a celebrity and you go to Africa, they do special stuff for you. They have people meet you at the airport. They had a big band meet at the airport for me. They had drums, they had signs and stuff. But I was tired ’cause it’s a long way to Africa. I got there, I thought I was gonna get some sleep before everything happened. I got off the plane, I said, “I’m gonna get some sleep.” And they was like, “There he is!” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ [beatboxing] ♪ Chris Tucker Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪ I’m like, “What the hell is going on? This is so– Mmm-mmm. Hey, man. This is great, man, but I am tired, man. Could we do this a little later?” [in African accent] “No, please. That’s disrespectful, please dance.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪ I said, “Man, this shit is disrespectful. Man, I am tired. I had a 16-hour flight, man, come on now. Can we do this later, man? Take me to the hotel.” “We are walking to the village. Please follow me.” “What?” “My itinerary said the Radisson, man. I ain’t goin’ to no damn village.” “Please, Mr. Tucker, just follow us, it’s not far. It’s only 200 kilometers…” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Two hundred kilometers! I don’t know how far that is, but that sound far as hell, man! Where the Jeeps at?” “It’s not far, Mr. Tucker, don’t worry. If you get tired, get on my back.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Shit, I’m tired now.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Get my luggage! Get my luggage!” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ [audience applauding] Thank you! Stuff happens in Africa, though, you don’t see nowhere else on Earth. I saw a cheetah walk through the hotel lobby. I was the only one scared, the Africans weren’t even scared. I’m like, “God damn, there’s a cheetah in here! Look at that goddamn cheetah!” My security guard was behind me, I said, “Get in front of me, shit! Supposed to be protecting me. Anybody gonna get bit, it’s gonna be your ass.” I was scared. The Africans weren’t even scared. They were over there, rubbing it, [in African accent] “Oh, look at the cheetah. Look at this cheetah. What are you doing in this hotel? What are you doing? You don’t belong in here.” Pettin’ it and rubbing it, “What are you doing here? You must go outside.” He opened up his mouth, “Look at his teeth. Look at his teeth. Look at the designs in his mouth. He kill a man one bite, he kill a man one bite.” All of a sudden he slapped the cheetah on the ass to get him out of there. “Get out of here!” [exclaims] I was like, “What the hell is wrong with him?” The cheetah went crazy, he was like… [hisses] [snarls] [snarls] I ran out of that hotel so fast, I was like, “Shit! That cheetah gonna kill us!” And the cheetah was so fast, it ran by me, I was like, “Oh, shit, the cheetah! Get my ass back in the hotel. Close the doors of the hotel! What the hell y’all got the doors open for? You know cheetahs are coming in here and shit.” -“It only happen once a year.” -“That’s enough! Shit! Scared the hell out of me.” Africa is great. I went on some great trips. I went to Africa one time with Bill Clinton. That was fun, we went to, like, three or four countries in Africa, and Clinton was great, man. We had so much fun. We had so many places to go, we started getting bored, sometimes we just started playing games. I started doing impressions of Bill Clinton and he started liking it. He was like, [mimics Bill] “Oh, shit. That sounds just like me. That sounds– Oh, that sounds good, that sounds great. I like that.” He invited me to Africa, man. He invited me, he said, “Tucker, you wanna go to Africa with me? I think you’ll like it. You’re black, I’m black. I think you’ll like it. Come on. It’ll be fun, come on.” So I started doing impressions, man. Everywhere we went, he wanted me to do him. We’re at little parties at night… “Tucker, come, come do me. Come do me. Come on over here.” Every country we went to. Finally, I got tired, we got to Nigeria and he wanted me to do it in front of the president of Nigeria. I was scared. Shit, if I mess it up, they’d put me in jail. I just said, “No, not now.” And he said, “Tucker! Come on, come do me. Come do me. Don’t act like that, come on.” I said, “Mr. President, I’m tired, it’s been a long trip. -Maybe I won’t do it this time.” -“Tucker, come on now, I need you. I set it up now. Come on, don’t let me down. You want a ride home, right, huh? You wanna ride commercial or private? You let me know, Tucker. That’s a long-ass flight home, Tucker, that’s a long flight.” [audience cheering] Clinton got Barack elected! Clinton came out there and said, “I’m telling you right now, I’m going to tell you the truth. You ain’t gonna like this, I’m gonna tell you right now. You won’t be laughing after I say this.” And black people, we love Clinton because Clinton knows how to break it down, we’d just be listening, “God damn!” We’ll be listening like he ain’t supposed to be telling us. “Clinton, you ain’t supposed to be telling that shit. We aren’t supposed to be hearing all this!” “No, I’m going to tell you ’cause you need to know! These Republicans are crazy as hell! They tried to put me out of office. Shit! And the economy was up! They don’t give a damn, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’m not bullshitting you.” [audience cheering] He said… [giggles] He said, “Now, listen, if you’re black, you should really hear this.” And black people were like, “What? What is it?” “The Republicans are trying to bring back slavery, I swear to God! I’m not lying to you!” He know how to rattle us. “What?” “Vote for Barack, I bullshit you not. Do it. I told ya, I’m going to break it down today. I’m not gonna lie to you.” He did good for Barack. Barack was like, “God damn, that was good. Shit. Bill, that was a good-ass speech. I thought you was running for president, God damn. It was so good. [chuckles] You made it hard for me. How the hell I’m-a follow that, Bill?” [mimicking Bill] “Well, do what you gotta do, bro. I told you I was going to set you up. And that’s what you wanted, that’s what you asked. You wanted four more years, you called on your boy Billy. I’m gonna do it for you. [audience cheering and applauding] I’m gonna hook you up. I’ll do it right here. If I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do what I do. I’m not gonna mess around with ya.” Barack was happy as hell. He came out there, “Give me five, yeah. That’s my boy, that’s my boy right here. That’s my dawg, that’s my dawg, right.” But Barack knew he was gonna get back in office when he got Bin Laden. Remember when he got Bin Laden? He knew it! He came out there, man, he was ready! He was in front of the White House lawn, he was ready. He said, “No, no. I got this. I got this. Uh, America, la-di-da-di, we got Bin Laden. Got his ass. We got him. We got him yesterday in Pakistan, 0400 hours, I sent the SEAL team over there to get him. Matter of fact, I went with ’em. And I saw him. I said, ‘Look, there he is, right there, look at him. In the window, fixin’ breakfast and shit, like he ain’t did nothing, look at him.’ I said, ‘Give me the gun. I’ll get him, I’m the president. Shit, I’ll go get him.’ So I went in and busted in there, I said, ‘Bin Laden, la-di-da-di, bitch! [imitating machine gun] Let’s get the hell out of here, come on. Let’s get on the plane. I got some chicken on this plane, come on, let’s go. Let’s get the hell out of here. Thought we forgot. Shit, no.'” Barack couldn’t believe he won the first time, remember he won the first time? He was like, “God damn, I won? Shit! Oh, shit! I was just playing, God damn. What? What the hell? Shit. I was just bullshitting.” -“Mr. President, come this way.” -“Who you talking to?” -“You.” -“Oh, shit, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Shit. God damn, I gotta get this in my head. God damn, I was– I just wanted to find something to do, God damn. How am I gettin’ around?” “Air Force One is right over there, sir.” “God damn, I got a plane? Shit! Baby, come look at this shit. Michelle, we got a plane. God damn. Look at this! Sasha, Malia, go sit in captain’s seat. That’s your daddy’s plane. Go on up there. I got a goddamn plane for wherever the hell we wanna go.” I love his walk. Barack even got that little African walk. African-American, African walk. He’ll be walkin’ and drums be going off. [beatboxing] [vocalizing] Barack ain’t gonna put up with reporters yelling out no more, he ain’t gonna put up with that. He was doing the first year, they would say, “Mr. President, you’re a liar!” Barack was like, “Who said that shit? Who said that? Who said that? Come down and slap the hell out of you, who said that shit? Don’t talk to me like that, I’m President of the United States. Shit. I’m from South Side, Chicago. I’ll come down and whoop that ass. Come on, not this term, not this term. I put up with that last term, not this year. Not now. Not no more, I swear. You’re talking to Barry here, God damn it. Barry!” Reporters are a trip, man. These reporters be all over the place, man, they be… White reporters will go anywhere. You never see no black reporters over in these Lebanon and shit, we don’t do that. White reporters will be right over, like Anderson Cooper, all of them be over there. [mimicking Anderson] “We’re right here and there’s a bomb right behind me. It just went off. My ass is hot. I don’t know how the hell… Oh, my Lord. I don’t know why I’m here.” We’ll be on the TV, black people, “What the hell are you doing over there, Anderson? Get your ass out from over there! I don’t wanna see your ass get blown up! Turn the channel, I don’t wanna see this shit.” Black reporters, we don’t be going over there. They be trying to get us over there, we don’t go over there. That lady will be in the newsroom, CNN, and be like, “We’re about to go to Tyrone. We’re going to Tyrone in Libya. Tyrone? What’s going on over there in Libya? Tyrone? Where is he? Where is he, he’s not showing up here. Where is he? Oh, there he is. Tyrone! Hi, Tyrone. What’s going on in Libya?” “I don’t know.” “Tyrone, where are you?” “I’m downstairs in the newsroom.” “Tyrone, aren’t you supposed to be in Libya? How come you’re not there?” “Same reason your ass ain’t there, Kathy!” “Tyrone, you’re gonna get fired for this.” “I don’t give a damn. I quit! Shit! At least I’m alive!” [chuckles] Barack’s the man, man! You know, they try to get him, “Mr. President!” He’s too smart, he went to Harvard, you know he went to Harvard. You couldn’t catch him in nothin’. Barack never answer a question. He always say, “Look.” That’s all he say. He won’t answer the question. He avoid all of ’em, and he say, “And… and…” He’ll do some shit like this with his thumb, I don’t know. I think this means, “I’m-a kick your ass if you keep messing with me. Keep saying some shit like that. Keep saying it. Kick your ass.” He never answers. He always say, “Look.” If the reporter’s like, “Mr. President, what’s going on with the job situation and the gas prices?” “Well… well, see… See, we… [stammers] Well, look, we’re looking into all that. And we’re gonna get to it. We’re gonna… we’re gonna fix it.” And white reporters don’t play that shit. They be like, “Mr. President, what’s this ‘look’ shit? Answer the goddamn question!” “Well, you see, you see what I’m talking about? Y’all see this, right? This is what I’m talking about. We don’t need this in this country and look at this shit– This press conference is over. You don’t talk to me like that. This shit is over. Look at that shit, it’s over. Get up on this thing, let’s go up in this plane, I got some chicken up on this plane. Let’s get the hell out of here. Come on.” He gonna be doin’ what he wanna do now, he ain’t gonna be hidin’ nothin’. Him and Michelle are gonna be fighting in front of the White House lawn, it’s gonna get crazy. [audience applauding] “That’s okay, if she wanna go, let her go. Let her go, if she wanna go, let her go. That’s what she wanna do, let her go. She can’t take my helicopter, though. Tell her take that station wagon she came from Harvard with, take that. Gonna act like that? You know, I got all this stuff on my back. Matter of fact, if you wanna go, Michelle, take your mama. Take your mama with you. Take your mama. Sick of that. Don’t wanna hear it no more. Can’t take my kids, though. Sasha and Malia are staying with me. Wanna smoke a cigarette, I smoke when I want to. Stressed out. Take my helicopter… I need my motorcades and my helicopter. I’m the president, I got shit to do.” You know they be fussing sometime, you know. Barack be rushing her a little bit too much, rushing Michelle onto Air Force One, “Come on, babe, let’s go. I got some chicken on the plane. Let’s get up here. Let’s go.” You know, Michelle come back, “Don’t be rushing me. I don’t work for you. Shit.” Barack come back, “Oh, baby, come on, it ain’t like that, baby. Come on. Why you so mad, baby? What you gonna do? Divorce me? Take half the country? Come on, baby, don’t do that. Take half the White House? Baby, come on, it’s not that serious, don’t do that.” Michelle come back, “Nobody want this broke-ass country.” [audience cheering and applauding] [upbeat music playing] Good night, Atlanta! I love you, God bless y’all! [audience cheering uproariously] [announcer] Atlanta, Georgia, give it up for your boy, Mr. Chris Tucker! Let him hear it, Atlanta. I am a black Arab. Oh, shit! [men laughing] [inaudible] -Thanks so much. -Pleasure to meet you. Thanks so much. See you guys, man. Here, here! -Where’s Jackie? Where’s Jackie? He’s in Hong Kong. We are all sheikhs. This is Sheikh Terry. He’s so rich, he don’t even know how rich he is. That’s how rich he is. How many oil fields do you have? -I don’t know. -[chuckles] He’s so rich, he don’t like to count his money. This is Tony. He’s so rich, he doesn’t even talk. He doesn’t talk, he’s that rich. He don’t– How rich are you? I’m rich, too. I have to admit. But not like these guys. Okay, okay, I am. I own these guys. You see my Nikes. I love Americans. Some stuff American, some stuff. Abu Dhabi desert, baby! [speaking imitation Arabic] [singing in imitation Arabic] That camel said, “God damn! Who the hell is on my back?” He said, “Who? Who had those church shoes on, on my back? Look at his shoes.” [men laughing] Bond. James Bond. I’m Sheikh Tucker. With my Nikes on. Sheikh Tucker wears Nikes. ♪ We’re gettin’ Arab money Sheikh, Sheikh Tucker ♪ You ready? We’re ready. You ready? Okay! You don’t talk! I’m ready. He’s not supposed to talk! He talked! I can’t believe he talked! He must be excited. Let’s go. [men laughing] Taking advantage of every moment. Every minute. Every hour. Money is not everything. Money do not bring you happiness. It only brings you trouble. Oh, shit! God damn, he’s tall! Singapore! Singapore! Whoo-hoo! [indistinct chatter] [woman giggling] Whoo-hoo! [Chris in Australian accent] Here in Australia! Down under! Come with me again… ♪ To the land down under ♪ | [upbeat music playing] [exhaling] [indistinct conversations] [crowd cheering] [inaudible] [audience cheering uproariously] What up? Stop! Stop! [audience applauding] I’m so glad y’all came out tonight! Y’all here with your loved ones. Give it up for everybody here with a date! Y’all lookin’ good! First date. Yeah, y’all gotta be careful when you’re first datin’, ’cause people will do anything to get you, and then when you marry ’em, they change on you. And it’s men and women, too. ‘Cause you… Fellas, you, before you know– ‘Cause you see people, you out there with your dates, some of y’all datin’ now. See, you ain’t out with the real person, that’s their representative you out with right now. You don’t know who the hell you out there sittin’ with… until you marry ’em. [chuckles] ‘Cause, fellas, you ask a woman to do anything for you before you marry ’em, if they want you, they gonna do it. Men, too, they do the same thing. Men and women do it. Fellas, you can ask a woman, say, “Baby, you go get me somethin’ to eat? And somethin’ to drink, please? Something…” She’ll be like, “Okay. Is that all you want?” “Yeah, baby, that’s it. That’s it. Thank you, baby.” “No, thank you.” [audience laughing] “So, you want a lot, baby, or a little bit? Here you go, baby.” You do that. You marry her and ask her, “Baby, you get me somethin’ to drink? And somethin’ to eat, please?” [in gruff voice] “Go get your own goddamn drink. Who the hell you think you’re talkin’ to?” [audience laughing and applauding] [mouthing] What the fuck? “Baby, you hear that?” [in gruff voice] “Yeah, I heard! It was me, God damn it. Who the hell you think it was?” “Baby, what happened to my baby?” [in gruff voice] “Your baby right here, God damn it!” [growling] [screams] “I want a divorce!” [in gruff voice] “You can’t divorce me. You didn’t make me sign a pre-nup!” [screams] But marriage is good, though, marriage is good. You just gotta be careful, man. ‘Cause I’m tired of datin’. Datin’ ain’t cool, man. Datin’ ain’t… Especially, you know, sometimes you date and you think… You date a little younger than you, you think that’s cool. That ain’t cool, man. This new generation, there’s somethin’ wrong with ’em. I don’t know what’s wrong with ’em. I’m serious. I was datin’ this girl, and it was goin’ good, you know. I thought it was cool. I said, “This is gonna be good.” You know, we got close, it was wild, and we started makin’ love, and I was like, “This is good. She might be the one. She might be the one!” And I opened up my eyes and she was tweetin’. I said, “What the hell you doin’ tweetin’ with the– What is wrong with you?” [audience cheering] “Put that damn phone down! You are rude as hell!” She’s like, “People need to know what you doin’.” I said, “Uh-uh! No! Not this! No!” I took the phone and said, “What the hell are you tweetin’?” Talkin’ ’bout “Chris handlin’ his business.” I said, “You can tweet this, but that’s it. That’s it! That’s all.” What the hell’s wrong with you? Somethin’ wrong with this new generation. Better enjoy it. This might be it. This might be the last time. [audience laughing] Tired of datin’, man. I dated out of the country. You think people don’t know you that well, but they know. They know me over there, too. Dated a girl, man, who didn’t even speak English. I thought it was cool. My friend’s like, “Do you realize she don’t even speak English?” I said, “Do you realize I don’t give a damn? Do you see how fine she is?” All she knew how to say was, “Money! Money, Chris! Money!” I should have known there was a problem. She said, “What ’bout my family, Chris?” What ’bout…” I said, “What about your family? Shit.” “They need money, Chris. You have it. They need it!” I said, “Shit… I already got a family that want my money. No, you better go back to your village. It’s over. This is over.” “Chris, this is not right, Chris…” “You’d better go learn English, ’cause you don’t hear what I’m sayin’.” I dated outside my race, I dated all… I dated a white girl. It was cool at first. She had me doin’ stuff I never did before, like showin’ up on time, and… [audience laughing] Got me hooked on Starbucks. It was pretty cool. Everything was cool till she took me rollerbladin’. Then we broke up. I almost broke my damn ankles messin’ around with her ass. She was leavin’ me and shit. She was good. She said, “Chris, come on. It’s okay. Follow me!” Spinnin’ around and shit. “Just relax! Go side to side like I showed you! You’re spillin’ your Starbucks, Chris. You can’t play basketball every day, Chris.” I said, “This shit sound racist. Slow your ass down, Samantha! Told you it was my first time. Get these goddamn rollerblades off me. It’s over. It’s over!” I dated a ghetto girl. I was scared as hell every time… She said, “Close your eyes.” I’d be like, “For what? What for? What you want?” “Ain’t nobody tryin’ to rob your punk ass, Chris. Now put your arms up!” I was like, “People know where I’m at.” She said, “No, I don’t wanna date no damn punks.” Crazy, man! Datin’ is crazy, man. You gotta be careful, man. You gotta be careful. But you got somebody good, man, just keep ’em, man. Don’t go– Ain’t nothin’ out there, keep ’em. Nothin’ out there. You got somebody that’s half good, try to fix ’em! If they got small problems, not big ones. Those small ones, you can try to work with ’em. [audience applauds] And treat ’em right. Fellas, surprise your wife! Surprise your wife. Don’t be doin’ the same thing all the time. Buy her roses and sunflowers and even sunflower seeds. Whatever you can afford, I don’t care. “Now, listen, baby, they gonna grow. They’ll grow one day. You can eat ’em, too, baby.” She’ll go, “Lordy, that’s so cute. He’s so cute.” When I get married, I want my wife to have a sense of humor, ’cause I’m-a surprise her. She ain’t gonna know what the hell I’m-a do. She gonna be scared. She ain’t gonna know when I’m-a come home. She gonna always be cookin’ and be like, “Chris, that you? I’m cookin’ now. Don’t let me mess up this food! He’s so crazy.” I’m gonna come home, she won’t know what– I’m-a come home with a gun and a mask, through the window. “Get on the ground! Get on the ground! Whatcha doin’? Whatcha cookin’?” [screams] “Who are you?” “Baby, it’s me. It’s me, baby. It’s me.” [audience laughing] “You’re so crazy! I didn’t know who you were, fool. [kisses] You’re so stupid! Why you had to break the window, Chris? That’s the third window. So stupid. You better not have messed up my roses outside. I love your crazy ass. You make me sick. [kisses] So stupid. You’re always surprisin’ me. Chris!” I’ll be like, “I know you didn’t know who I was. Yeah, you didn’t know who I was. You scared? Why you scared? You was scared. I know you’re scared. You were reaching for the phone, weren’t you? Callin’ the cops?” Don’t stop right there, fellas! Go up to her job. Go up to her job. Sneak up to her job. Gun and a mask. Go in and… “Get on the desk! Get on the desk! Get on the desk! You ain’t workin’. You ain’t workin’. You ain’t workin’.” “What are you doing, Chris? This is my job! You goin’ to make me lose my job! You’re so crazy. [moans] You’re so stupid. I love you. Your crazy ass. You’re so stupid! [kisses] Get outta here. I’ll see you when I get home. [whispers] Get out of here! Get out of here!” “I love you, baby. I love you. See you when you get home.” [audience laughing] Be careful, guys. Don’t play too much. One time she gonna come home and fool you. She’ll come home like, “You don’t have no business playin’ like that in the park.” [stammers] [audience laughing] “What the hell you talkin’ about? I was at work today.” -“You weren’t in the park?” -“Hell, no! You know I had to work! And why didn’t you call the cops? God damn, baby!” “It’s your fault! You play too much. I don’t know when the hell you’re gonna jump out of everywhere, and…” “It’s your fault. You knew I had to work today.” Be careful, though, fellas. If you wanna get married, ask the right people. Don’t ask the wrong people, because they give you the wrong advice ’cause their marriage is messed up. Ask the right people, ’cause I asked my Uncle John. I said, “Uncle John, I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ married. What do you think?” He was like, “Don’t do no stupid shit like that. Don’t do no stupid shit like that. You’re free. Get out there, boy. You’re a black stallion. Get out there and buck! Get out there and buck, boy!” [audience laughing] “Get out there and have some fun! You’re free.” I said, “Uncle John, you’ll put your back out actin’ like that. Stop it.” I ain’t ask him nothin’ else. I asked my granddaddy ’cause I thought my granddaddy’d give me better advice. I said, “Granddaddy, I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ married. What do you think?” I thought he’d give me good advice. He told me… He said he glad he recorded his weddin’, so he can rewind it and walk away a free man. [audience laughing and applauding] Any married couples like their marriages? -That’s good. That’s beautiful. -[audience applauding] I haven’t been married. I’m scared to get married. I’m scared. I just made some money. I ain’t tryin’ to lose the shit right away. Marriage sometimes ain’t a good business deal. I’m looking, you know. I’m looking, though, but, you know, I need a woman gonna help me, though. I don’t care nothin’ about fine. You gotta be more than fine. You gotta be able to– -[audience cheering and applauding] -That’s right. You gotta be able to do some other stuff. You got to be able to fill out a 1099 and shit. That’s right. You need to be able to help me out with my taxes and shit. You better have an accounting degree to be with me. Take care of your business, man. Don’t listen to people. Do your own business. Be careful who you listen to, ’cause that’s the last time I let Wesley Snipes help me out with my taxes! [audience laughing] [scoffing] Almost got both our asses locked up, man. I’m gonna kick Wesley’s ass! I wanted to Passenger 57 his ass! Nino Brown his ass. I’m serious, man. He told me and Ron Isley the same thing. Ron Isley was pissed off. I talked to him last night. Ron’s still mad about it. He said, ♪ I’m-a kick Wesley’s ass ♪ [vocalizing] I said, “Ron, let it go, let it go! Put the cane down! Put the cane down, Ron. You don’t wanna do this.” Wesley gonna tell us that mess… We was out one night in Hollywood, he gonna tell me we didn’t have to pay taxes. “Man, we ain’t gotta pay no goddamn taxes, man.” I said, “Wesley, what the hell you talkin’ about?” “I’m Blade. Blade don’t pay no goddamn taxes. You pay taxes, huh? [chuckles] Gee Money, you ain’t gotta pay no taxes and shit, man.” “I ain’t Gee Money, I’m Chris. What the hell is he talkin’ about? This ain’t New Jack City. Wesley, stop smokin’ that stuff!” Good thing about owing the IRS, though, everybody else got to wait. Bill collectors try to threaten you, they can’t even threaten you in this economy. Talkin’ ’bout, “If you don’t pay the house note, we gonna come and get it.” I say, “Well, shit, come get it. It’s upside down anyway. Come and get it.” [audience laughing] “Don’t you wanna talk about it?” -“No! You said you’d come and get it. Now, come and get this shit!” [audience laughing] “Well, let’s talk about it, Mr–” -“No, no! I don’t wanna talk about nothing. I don’t want that house no more anyway. I don’t go down there anyway.” People, you know, people will say, “Save your money.” You know, you’re young. You don’t want to hear that. They say, “Save your money for a rainy day.” I say, “Shit, it’s raining today. I’m about to go get me a Ferrari. I’m about to go have some fun!” I was doing crazy stuff, y’all. I was doing crazy stuff. I bought two houses right next door to each other. Just crazy. I was my own next door neighbor. It was crazy as hell. I was borrowing stuff from myself and shit. “You got some sugar we can borrow?” “You know I got some sugar we can borrow. What you talking about? You’re me and I’m you, man. Go on up there and get it.” “You ain’t gotta talk to me like that. Damn, dude. I ain’t wanna be rude. I was gonna ask you. Damn. You gonna act like that, long as I’ve been knowing you. Shit.” Crazy, man! I’m cutting back though, now. I’m saving my money. I’m smart. Being smart with my money. I ain’t doing that buying up all these houses no more. Smart! Me, Toni Braxton and Jermaine Dupri are getting an apartment together. [audience laughing and applauding] And Terrell Owens is movin’ in, too, with us. [audience laughing] [chuckles] And bill collectors get on my nerve, too. They get the– They get on your nerve. They call you. They call you, just messing with you. There’s no reason, just… I don’t care though. I tell ’em. I tell ’em. I say, “Look, people owe me, too. Shit.” “I’m serious.” I said, “Call Terry, he owes me $200. Put that down on the bill.” They say, “We don’t know who no Terry is, or where he is.” I say, “I don’t know where his ass at neither! Let’s find his ass! Can’t you see he’s the problem? Shit. We’re up here fussing, he’s running free with our money. You gotta look at who’s the problem here.” Bill collectors make me sick. They always go, “We need the money.” They act like you owe them the money personally. “We need the money.” I said, “Look, I don’t owe you a goddamn thing. You know what I mean? I owe the company the money. You stay the hell out of me and that American Express’ business.” American Express make me sick, too. I should have left home without it. They get on my goddamn nerve. They don’t tell you to stop, but they want their money when you owe ’em. “Uh, you’re overdue.” “So, why y’all didn’t stop me?” I’ve been getting so much on a credit card, I’ll be like, “I think somebody else did it.” I’m like, “Who the hell did this shit? I didn’t buy all this shit! When the hell did I buy a statue?” “May I remind you, I’ve seen you shopping with Michael Jackson.” “Oh, shit!” I remember that. Michael talked me into getting that shit. You ever loan somebody some money and they get an attitude with you when you ask for it back? And they’d be like, “God damn, man! Shit! God damn! You’re still worried about that little-ass money?” He looked me up and down like this, “Little-ass money…” “That shit wasn’t little when you borrowed it, God damn it! Give me my goddamn money!” “Rich as you is? Let me tell you how much money you got.” “No, what? No, no, you don’t know what I got.” “Damn, man, I told you I was gonna pay you on Tuesday. Shit.” “Well, you told me last Tuesday, not any Tuesday, man. Go get my goddamn money! What the hell is wrong with you?” That’s why when people ask me for money, I take pictures of them now. I take pictures ’cause they don’t remember. They don’t remember! When they was crying and shit when they was asking for the money, I take pictures of ’em. I say, “Remember this shit? Look at this picture. Look at it. Remember, you was begging. You was crying so much. You don’t wanna live no more. You see this shit. Give me my goddamn money, man!” Then they try to deny it, “Man, that ain’t me.” “That’s a close-up shot. That is you! That’s when you was on your knees. Right there! Give me my damn money!” You can’t trust nobody, man. I’m gonna be like Oprah. Oprah Winfrey don’t trust nobody. That’s why she’s so rich. Oprah don’t trust nobody. I remember one time Oprah invited all these celebrities to her house, and I came and all these celebrities were in her house, and everybody came over, and she had everybody in the yard. Wouldn’t let nobody in the house. We was like, “God damn! What kind of shit is that?” [audience laughing] Everybody asked everybody, “Have you been in the house?” “No, I haven’t, no.” -“You’ve been in the house?” -“No, that’s why I asked you.” “I mean, she won’t let nobody in there, but Gayle and Maya Angelou. Shit. Damn. ‘Cause she don’t trust nobody else.” I tried to get in with Maya Angelou. Told Maya Angelou I need to use the bathroom. “Miss Angelou, I gotta use the bathroom. Can I go in there with you?” She was like, “Hell, no, son!” [audience laughing] “Who the hell do you think I am? You know I’m wise. Oprah don’t want nobody in that house. I’m gonna get me a ride back on that plane. Shit, I gotta go home tomorrow.” Everybody want you to trust ’em. McDonald’s got two windows. Two windows! One where you pay and the other one where you get your food. I’m like, “Man, if I give y’all my money, I want my food, man. Same time! Same time! What the hell is wrong with y’all? You better go up there and get my goddamn food, man!” “Sir, sir, your food is at the next window, calm down.” “No, no, you take your ass up there. You go get my food and come back. I gave you my money, I want my food, man! I don’t know you, man! I don’t know who the hell at that next window. That could be another store. I don’t know who the hell up there.” People blowing their horns behind me, so I said, “Man, they’re playing with people’s food up here! Y’all can fall for this shit, but not me! Now, go get my food, man. You go up there and get my food, and you come back, that’s what you do. All right, you don’t wanna do that? I ain’t going then. I’ll stay right here. I don’t give a damn. [audience laughing and applauding] Go get my food, man!” They gonna call the cops on me. Do you believe that shit? Any cops in here? Where they at? Y’all play too much. Where they at? Cops play too much, don’t they? They play too much. They’re childish. Hiding in the woods, waiting for somebody to speed. Man, that’s childish! [audience cheering] You trying to go to work, they playing hide-and-go-see and shit. You know how they do, hiding and shit? Just hiding behind stuff. You know how they… [audience laughing] “Shit. Shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh!” [mimicking police siren] Making all that damn noise, messing up your hearing and shit. “Man, turn the shit down. You got me!” Messing up my damn hearing over a damn ticket! Then they’re talking with you like you’re some little kid. “Turn that goddamn car off, boy. Turn it off! APB, we need a three-four-five. Tupac just went through here like a goddamn bat out of hell. Get down here now! Where the hell were you going, boy?” “You ain’t my daddy. Who the hell are you? Don’t talk to me like that. You ain’t my daddy.” “Why was you speeding, boy?” “‘Cause I didn’t see you.” [audience laughing] “Why was you hiding, man? Tell me that. Why was you hiding? That shit ain’t fair, man! There’s good people out here trying to go to work. Playing games and shit.” “Boy, watch your mouth, son! Now, I ain’t gonna tell you again! One more time, out of you. One more time. Now, you’ve seen us behind you. Why the hell you start speeding up?” “‘Cause you was catching up, that’s why. I don’t just give up. My mama didn’t raise me like that.” Cops, man. That’s why I love when I get over on ’em. Don’t you love it when you get over on a cop? When you’re speeding and you think they got you but they done already pulled somebody over. Don’t you love that? You be speeding and you be like, “Oh, shit, he done got me. God damn. Oh, no, he done already got somebody. Oh, he’s not gonna stop me! [mimics car accelerating] Hey, man, you should’ve waited, man. I was going way faster than him. I got some weed and some cocaine!” [mimics tires screeching] Cop be mad at you, “Goddamn, son of a bitch! APB, goddamn, down here, now! Where the hell is that son of a bitch going? God damn it, I missed a big one messing with this old-ass lady.” Give it up for my boy, Michael Jackson. I miss Michael, man! I miss him. [audience cheering] Michael was the king, man! Real, like, true life king! Y’all seen me in the video? I was in one of his videos. Y’all seen me in “Rock My World”? I couldn’t believe I was in that video. I kept messing up the video looking at Michael. I was like, “God damn, I can’t believe I’m in this goddamn video!” Michael was getting mad. [mimics Michael] “Chris, what the hell are you doing? Chris, look straight. What the hell are you doing? You’re messing up my video, Chris!” I go, “Mike, I’m sorry, I can’t believe I’m in the video with you, man!” “Chris, believe it. Chris, believe it! Shit. You’re messing up my video, Chris!” [audience laughing and applauding] “Mike, I’m sorry, man. I can’t believe it.” Michael was so cool, man. Michael changed my name. I didn’t even say nothing. He started calling me “Christmas” and shit. First, I didn’t know who he was talking about. I didn’t know who he was talking to. He was like, “Hey, Christmas.” “Who’s Michael talking to?” Michael, “I’m talking to you, Chris. I’m talking to you. Your name sounds like Christmas. It’s beautiful, Chris. Reminds me of Christmas. Christmas trees, presents, fireplaces… It’s beautiful, Chris. You should keep it, Chris.” He convinced me. I’m like, “Do sound kind of good. Christmas Tucker. Okay, Christmas Tucker. Sounds pretty good. We’ll keep it for a little while.” Went up to Neverland. Michael had it cold. Michael had it cold. But Neverland was really, like, Neverland. You go there, Michael had big golden gates. You go through the gates, the music come on, everybody’s… [vocalizing] I’m like, “God damn! This really is Neverland. I don’t never, ever wanna leave. Shit.” It be fly, too. Michael had us ride on a little train to the house. “This is some shit, right here. Michael got a train in his house.” We get to the house. Man, Michael be sitting there, cold-blooded, like Michael Corleone. He’d be sitting in the living room. His people get your bags. You ain’t gotta worry about that. Michael be saying, “How are you? How are you doing?” We’d be sitting there talking, all of a sudden something magical would happen. Like, two giraffes just walk by the window. Like, “What the fuck was that? Michael, was that two giraffes just walked by the window?” “No, it was three. It was three giraffes, Chris. It was three.” “Michael, that was fly as hell!” “I know, I know. That’s why I bought ’em. That’s why I bought ’em.” “There ain’t no more animals free like that is there, man?” “Couple of elephants, one lion. We can’t find that lion.” “What? What? What the fuck?” “It won’t bite you, Chris.” “It won’t bite you, Michael. That lion don’t know me. Better find that damn lion.” Michael was cool, man. We’d hang out with Michael. Michael liked rap. He liked that 50 Cent song, “In Da Club.” He liked the beat, so he’d be jamming to the beat. We’d be riding in the car, Michael’d just be jamming to the beat. He’d be like… [beatboxing] Michael’d be getting down. He’d just play it back… [continues beatboxing] All of a sudden, you know… It’s cool till he starts singing the words. That’s when it sound crazy. He’s like, ♪ You see me in the club With a bottle full of bub… ♪ “Michael, Michael, no! Michael, no! Don’t sing the words.” “Chris, I love that song, Chris. I love that beat. I love it, Chris. That is a cold-blooded beat. I love that beat. Of course I wouldn’t go in the club with a bottle full of bub, Chris. I wouldn’t do that. But I love that song, Chris.” -“That didn’t sound right, Mike.” -“I know, but I love it.” He liked Rick Ross, too. He loved– Sometimes he’d be… Just going around places… [grunts] He’d be doing a song going… [grunts] I’d be like, “What the hell was that?” I said, “Michael, was that you?” “No, no.” -“Did you hear that?” -“I didn’t hear nothing. I don’t know what that was. I thought you did it. I don’t know who did it.” One time, I caught him. He’s all… [grunts] I said, “Michael, I saw you. I knew it was you!” “I’m sorry, Chris, I love Rick Ross. I love him. I love Maybach Music. I love… They’re so cool. He’s so crazy. [grunts] I love that. He’s so free. I wanna do that on my album. -[grunts] [audience laughing] He’s so crazy. So silly. [grunts] Crazy guy.” I said, “Michael!” One time I did something real cool with Michael, though. I went over Barry Gibb’s house from the Bee Gees. You know Barry Gibb. I was like, “Damn, this is fly.” We was watching the Oscars at Barry Gibb’s house of the Bee Gees. And we were sitting there and all and hanging out and stuff. And I said, “God damn, I’m sitting here with Barry Gibb and Michael Jackson.” And all of a sudden both of ’em start singing. They were singing “How Deep is Your Love.” I said, “God damn! This is Michael Jackson and Barry Gibb singing right in front of me. Ain’t nobody gonna believe this shit.” There was just me and a dog looking. The dog even seemed surprised. [mimics dog] “God damn, this shit is fly! Shit, what is this?” -I said, “Do you see this shit?” -“Yeah, I see the shit. Michael Jackson, Barry Gibb, sure.” So they start singing. Michael starts singing first. Man, I never heard him sing live before. He was like… ♪ How deep is your love? How deep is your love? ♪ ♪ I really need to know ♪ ♪ ‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools ♪ ♪ Breaking us down ♪ ♪ And we all should let it be ♪ ♪ And the world should be… ♪ And then Barry came in. ♪ I believe in you ♪ [singing gibberish] And then I got caught up and came in. ♪ Come to you on a summer breeze ♪ ♪ And you know I can stay and you know it ♪ And Michael’s like, “Chris, no. Chris, no.” [audience laughing and applauding] “Chris! Chris… No, Chris. What are you doing, Chris? Barry, I’m sorry, Barry. Chris!” I said, “Michael, I’m sorry, I got caught up.” “No, Chris, no. Stick with the jokes. Chris, no. What are you doing?” I said, “Sorry, Mike, I got caught up, man. -It sounds so good.” -“No, Chris, no! You said you wouldn’t say nothing, Chris. Barry, I’m sorry. Chris, what’s wrong with you? No. I’m sorry, Barry. I’m sorry. Chris, what are you doing?” “I’m sorry, Michael, it was just sounding so good, I thought I–” “No, Chris, no. Chris, go to the car, Chris, go to the car.” “Michael, man, I won’t say nothing else.” “I know you won’t say anything else, Chris. Go. Beat it, Chris. Beat it, Chris.” “Mike, I’m sorry, man. I–” “Chris, go, go, I told you not to– You always want to be starting something. Go, just go. Go. I don’t wanna hear it, Chris.” [giggles] Michael the man, man. Michael performed live, man, Michael was incredible, man. Michael’d do some… Michael’ll go out there and do… [vocalizes] He’d be talking to your girl, you don’t even say nothing. You don’t even say nothing. You’d be like, “You take her, Mike. Go! Go take her. I got to come with you though, Mike.” [giggles] Michael be coming to sing, going, ♪ Lookin’ out across the night sky ♪ ♪ The city winks a sleepless eye ♪ ♪ Get you alone ♪ ♪ Shake my window ♪ ♪ It’s such an amusing sight ♪ ♪ When we say why, why ♪ ♪ Tell ’em that it’s human nature ♪ ♪ Why, why does he do me that way? ♪ Give yourselves a round of applause. [audience applauding] ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ Thank y’all for supporting and coming out here. Y’all got to stop messaging me about this Friday stuff. God damn, y’all. Thank you for supporting me in the movie. Everybody want to see me do another Friday. I go through the airport, and the security people just stop me just to ask me that. “Oh, I got to do a check here. Hey, man, you gonna do another Friday? Turn around, man. Turn around. Come on, man. Wish you would do it. Cube wanna do it. Come on, man, do it. It’d help you with your taxes. Come on, man.” “Stay the hell out of my business. Do your job. Make me late for my flight.” I appreciate y’all lovin’ the movie. I ain’t gonna do another one. ‘Cause Cube didn’t pay me for the first one, shit. [audience laughing] He said he’d give me some CDs and some weed. I said, “Hell, no.” [mimicking Ice Cube] Talkin’ bout, “You ain’t even tried it yet, Chris. You ain’t even tried it yet.” Cube, I don’t want no damn weed. I want some money! Cube’d be talking to you, but it’s like he rapping to you. [rapping] ♪ You can do it Put your back into it ♪ “Is he rapping or talkin’ to me? Cube, what’d you say?” [rapping] ♪ Don’t stop Get it, get it ♪ “Man, would you stop rapping to me?” He’s doing movie lines. “Either they don’t know, they don’t show, or they don’t care what’s going on in the hood.” I said, “Cube, that’s Boyz n the Hood, man! Would you stop acting?” My family tripped out when they found out how much money I was making. My family acted a fool. They just act cray, all of them. They found out how much money I was making, all of them just quit their jobs. They just quit. I said, “What the fuck?” I said, “Wait a minute. What y’all doin’?” They were going around singing, ♪ We rich, we rich We ain’t gotta do shit ♪ ♪ We rich, we rich We ain’t gotta do shit ♪ ♪ We rich, rich, rich ♪ ♪ We rich, we rich, we rich ♪ I said, “Y’all ain’t rich. I’m rich. You better get y’all jobs back before it’s too late. Shit. What’s wrong with y’all?” It was crazy, man. Everybody wanted something, man. My brother was reminding me of stuff he did for me when I was five years old. He said, “Man, remember that time you was walking across the street and that car was comin’? And I said, ‘Hold up, wait a minute.'” [audience laughing] “You got to remember that, man. Chris, you wouldn’t even be alive now, man. Loan me the money for the house, man. Damn.” I said, “I don’t remember. I’m too young, I was too young.” You can’t ask nobody how they’re doin’. It always leads back to money. I asked my Uncle John. I said, “Uncle John, how you doing? Good to see you.” “Oh, man, God damn!” [audience laughing] “God! Chris, man. [groans] Chris… Really bad. Oh, Chris, Chris, Chris…” You know somebody in some pain when they say, “Oh…” They’re howling your name. [moaning] “Oh, Chris, Chris I’m so glad you said something, son. The Lord must be speaking to you today, Chris.” [audience laughing] “Chris… I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna pay all these damn bills, Chris.” I said, “Uncle John, I don’t know how the hell you’re gonna pay them neither! God damn! I just asked you how you was doing, man! Damn! Why everything gotta lead back to money?” On a trip, man. My daddy tripped out. My daddy tripping, going to tell me his doctor said he need a new car ’cause the old car messin’ up his back. I said, “Daddy!” [audience laughing] He gonna swear me down, “Look at the prescription. That’s what the doctor said. Look at the prescription. Nobody trying to trick you. Shit. That old car killin’ me, son. That’s what the doctor said. You want your daddy to die, boy? Go on, look at the prescription. See that, it need to be blue and convertible. It’s good for my spirit, son. That’s what the doctor said. I didn’t make up nothing like that.” I said, “Daddy, no.” My daddy wanted a new car because I bought my mama a new car. ‘Cause you know, when you make a little money, first thing you do is take care of your mama, right? You take care of your mama. [audience applauding] In black families, that’s what we do with this new generation money, take care of your mama. But then my parents, they separated when I was young, which is cool ’cause my daddy was always around. They separated and then I bought my mama a car, my daddy wanted one. Well, I said, “Daddy, I ain’t going broke ’cause you and Mama don’t love each other no more. I ain’t buying no two cars, I ain’t doing it.” I said, “You better get back with Mama. Shit.” I said, “Ride in the back seat. Y’all ain’t gotta talk. Shit. So what’s love got to do with it?” My daddy left home, he left home when I was younger and stuff. He thought we was all sad, but we was cool because it was like, “Shit, it’s too crowded in the house anyway.” We were happy. “He need his own place. Shit. Always turning the TV and shit. Nobody wanna watch no damn Dallas.” [chuckling] He thought we were sad, and he came back one day to talk to us, we was like, “Oh, shit, I know he ain’t comin’ back, is he?” I said, “Daddy, you ain’t coming back, are you? Don’t be a quitter now.” [audience laughing] “You don’t want us to grow up to be quitters, do you? Besides, we done took your room. Mama in our room now. We got the big room.” “Go get your ass out in front of me.” I worked for my daddy, too. Don’t work for family. You ever work for family? Don’t work for family. You ever got a whoopin’ at your job? That’s embarrassin’ as hell. My daddy would… My daddy would whoop us anywhere. “Get your ass in there. Do what I told you to do.” I’m like, “Daddy, come on, wait till we get home.” “You don’t wait for me, God damn it. -You’ll do what the hell I tell you to.” -“Daddy, please!” My daddy come home and just whoop everybody in the house. Be whoopin’ my friends and shit. “Get your ass up there. Do what I told you to do.” “Mr. Tucker, Mr. Tucker, I ain’t your son!” “Get your ass out of my house, then. I told you not to come down here. You need an ass-whoopin’ anyway, God damn it.” “I’m-a tell my daddy.” “I catch him in my house, I’m-a whoop his ass, too!” One time, my daddy whooped me and my brother like slaves. Like two slaves, ’cause he came home, he was mad. He came home from the Atlanta dairy, he was mad. We didn’t know he was mad. We did something, broke something, so we tried to tell on each other. So we ran up to him, -“Daddy, he did it.” -“No, he did it, Dad.” My daddy whooped both of us. He said, “Both of y’all go downstairs, take your clothes off, and lay on the couch.” We was like, “What the fuck?” [audience laughing] “What Daddy say?” [breathing heavily] “All I heard was lay down there butt-naked or something, on the couch.” “Oh, shit. We shouldn’t have said nothing, man.” We were downstairs, man, my daddy was– Waiting, butt-naked on the couch. Lookin’ at each other, “What the hell we do, man? Why did we say something?” [sobbing] My brother tried to be strong, “Be strong, boy. You hear me, Chris? Don’t let him break you, Chris. Don’t let him break you.” [sobbing] “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” “Cry inside, Chris.” “Okay, okay.” He hit my brother first, he’s like… [popping] My brother said, “Ahhh! Daddy, I’m sorry, Daddy!” I laughed so hard, I didn’t even hurt when he was whooping me. [laughing] “Daddy. Daddy, stop.” We were in the room, like, “What’s all that ‘be strong’ shit? What happened to that, where did that go? Hmm? Where’d that go?” “Daddy hit me hard ’cause I’m older and shit.” “Yeah, right.” Yeah, man. My daddy is somethin’ else, man. It’s a trip though, being the youngest. I’m the youngest of six kids. You learn a lot when you the youngest of six kids. You learn what not to do. ‘Cause I seen my brothers and sisters get whoopin’, and I’d be like, “What’d you do? Why Daddy whoop you like that? God damn. Shit. Daddy tore your ass up, what’d you do?” “I didn’t take out the garbage.” “All that was over garbage? Shit. Damn. Daddy’s serious about the garbage, huh? [exhaling sharply] What day the garbage man come? What day? Tuesday. Okay, I’ll remember that shit. Tuesday.” Being the youngest, you don’t get no college fund. My brothers and sisters messed that all up. I asked my dad about college, he was like, “Shit. You better find something to do. Talk to your brothers and sisters. They had your college fund. They messed it up.” That was okay, though, I didn’t care, shoot. I barely got out of high school. I wasn’t gonna start that shit all over again. I was barely… I barely got out. My teacher kept me back. I said, “What you keepin’ me back for? I don’t wanna see you again and you don’t wanna see me again. Let me go! See what I can do. Let me be all I could be!” I used to get on teachers’ nerves, they used to hate me. They used to get mad. They’d say, “Listen, Chris, if you act up again, I’m gonna call your mama.” I said, “If you gonna call my mama, you gonna have to pay the phone bill, ’cause the phone been cut off for two weeks.” [audience laughing] She’d be pissed off, “Get out of my room! You make me sick! Go to the principal office!” I’d go to the principal’s office, I didn’t care because I was in the principal’s office so much, I was cool with the principal, we were tight. He’d be like, “What’d you do this time? Get in here, get in here. Get in here, close the door. Sit down. What’d you do this time?” -“Call my mama, pay the phone bill.” -“Man, you crazy! You’re a fool, Chris. You’re a fool, boy. You gonna make me suspend your ass. I’m just playing. I’m just playing. We ain’t gonna suspend you. Give me my peanuts.” I used to sell candy. I had the principal hooked on peanuts. He was hooked on salt. He’d be mad if I don’t show up. “Where the hell you was yesterday? Shit. Shit. You got me hooked me on this shit, and you don’t show up for school. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, boy. I can only do so much, Chris. You know I’m playing. Get out of here. Don’t be late, boy. Don’t be late again.” School was fun, man. I found out– I tried to play sports, you know, every guy wanna play sports. I ended up not playing it. I wasn’t that good. I tried to play football, I wasn’t that good. I broke both of my wrists in practice and shit. Ambulance came, they were like, “God, how you do that shit?” I said, “Man, just take me to the doctor. God damn. I don’t know how I did it. Damn! Take me to the hospital! Stop asking all these damn questions! Shit.” I used to play, man, ’cause I wanted that jersey for pep rally. I wanted that jersey ’cause I wanted to run out there. That’s how you get the girls. I used to run out there in the pep rally, I used to run out there. Jersey clean, I ain’t played one game. Coach never let me in a game. I’m up there, I be in the bench talking about the team ’cause we losing, “They sorry as hell. We’d win if he’d put me in the game. Shit.” One time, somebody got hurt. Coach put me in the game. I was like, “What the hell?” He said, -“Tucker, get up here!” -“What the hell he want?” “I want you to go in the game, wide receiver. Somebody got hurt.” “Shit.” I didn’t know none of their plays. I was like, “Shit. Coach, game almost over–” -“Get in the game!” -“What–” I got out there, I ain’t care, I said, “Okay, shit, I’ll go out there.” Quarterback say he’s running with– In the huddle, he said we gonna run, run the ball. They gonna run the ball. I said, “He ain’t gonna throw it to me, so I’m gonna have some fun.” I was good, because I played with my older brothers and sisters. I could fake somebody out in a minute, I was good. Playing street ball. I could… Whoa! I said, “I’m gonna fake them out. I’m gonna get out there.” He hiked the ball, and I faked it. Ah! He fell down. I was like… [whooshes] I was out there, I said, “Oh, shit.” I saw my mama in the stands, I said, “Hey, Mama. I’m going pro. I’ll buy you a house, Mama.” I knew I was cool. He was gonna run the ball. All of a sudden, quarterback threw the ball at me, I was like, “What the fuck are you throwin’ it at me for? Oh, shit, that ain’t the play, God damn, man! He knew I didn’t go to practice last week. Shit.” I was hoping something would happen, like a bird would hit the ball or somethin’, a little rain or somethin’. Ball came, I dropped it, I was like, “Shit.” My whole family was up cheering. Everybody’s like… I dropped the ball, they was like, “That ain’t our brother. Our brother’s number ten. We don’t know who that was. We don’t. Come on, Mama, let’s go. Come on, he gave up on us, we’re gonna give up on him. Shit. Embarrass the Tuckers like that. Let’s get out of here.” Oh. We had fun in school. My daddy one of the daddies, he’d do stuff with us. That’s what he was cool about. He did a lot of stuff with us. But it was cool until he forget we was his kids and shit. One time, he called my sister a bitch, and we was like, “God damn, Daddy!” We was playing cards and she said he didn’t put up. He got mad as hell, “She gonna tell me what I God damn did, shit. I put my money up.” -We was like, “Daddy!” -“I don’t give a damn shit. I knew her when she couldn’t talk or walk. Don’t tell me what I did, God damn it.” My sister was crying. I was like, “It’s gonna be all right.” [crying] She’s like, “Uh-uh, uh-uh. My daddy called me a bitch. Uh-uh.” I said, “Stop it, stop it. It’s okay. He done called everybody something. He called me a punk bitch. Let it go. Now get your head up and get back in the game.” My daddy funny, man. One time he lost his mind playing cards over at my sister’s house. Lost his mind. He was losing a lot of money, and lost his mind. He thought my sister’s roaches was helping her cheat. Boy, it got shit crazy. ‘Cause he kept getting bad hand after bad hand. He just got frustrated. He was dealing and– We didn’t know how much money he lost, but he just got to hallucinating stuff. He would be just shuffling his cards. [mouthing] “Shit.” He’d shuffle them again like his hand gonna change. [audience laughing] “I knew there was some shit going on in here. How long that goddamn roach been on that wall, looking at my goddamn hand? I wanna know who the hell working with this roach.” My friends are all, “God damn. Your daddy crazy as hell. We quit, man. Y’all can have the money. There’s something wrong with your family, man. Y’all gotta work that shit out.” My mama wasn’t like that. My mama was different, my mama was strict. Anybody got a strict mama? My mama told you something, she meant it. One time, my mama told me… I got lost in the mall. My mama didn’t even look for me. She didn’t even look for me. I had to find a security guard to help me look for my mama. I was like, “Come on, man, hurry up, before she leaves. Mama! Mama, where you at? Mama! I’m sorry!” Man, I went everywhere in that mall looking for my mama. My mama wasn’t even in the mall no more. Found my mama in the parking lot backing back. I was like, “There she go. Mama! [sobbing] I’m sorry, Mama.” She’s like, “Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. I thought you had a ride home. The car is too full.” [mimics engine accelerating] [mimics tires screeching] “Mama, I’m only five years old!” “But you think you grown. I told you not to leave my side!” [mimics engine accelerating and tires screeching] “Mama!” I thought she was gonna come back, she left me out there all night long, I’ll tell you something. [sniffles] Wouldn’t nobody even kidnap me. Kidnappers don’t kidnap black kids. We too much trouble. We ask too many questions. We’ll be in the backseat asking questions, we won’t be quiet. We’ll be scared, but we wanna know what’s going on. [breathing shallowly] “Mr. Kidnapper? Mr. Kidnapper? Where we going? Mr. Kidnapper? When we gonna eat?” [audience laughing] “Mr. Kidnapper? Mr. Kidnapper? Can you put the radio to a black radio station, please?” [audience applauding and laughing] “Maybe a little Babyface, Earth, Wind & Fire or somethin’? I’m getting a little scared, man.” Kidnapper just goes, “Just get the hell out, boy! Get the hell out of the car! Drive me even more crazy, God damn! Do you realize your life is in danger, boy? Get out!” [sputtering] “You kidnapped me, man! You get more money if you keep me alive. Shit.” Yeah, my mama, man, she didn’t play, man. My mama made us go to church. Made us. We hadn’t even sinned yet, we still had to go to church. “All right, get up. You are going to church!” “Mama, can’t the preacher come here sometimes? We always going to him. He can preach on the kitchen table, Mama.” “Get up! You are going to church! Make me sick. Making me late.” She’s always talkin’ bout we making her late. And she ain’t dressed, neither. Walkin’ around with her bra on. “You are making me late! I can’t get dressed fooling around with y’all!” “You can’t get dressed ’cause you ain’t dressed, Mama. You late, too. We’re just a late family.” “Making me sick!” She’d be mad at us every Sunday. She’d fix her some breakfast, she wouldn’t fix us nothin’, she’d be mad at us. We’d be so late she gotta eat it in the car. She’d come to the car with her food. And one time she brought it to the car and gave it to me to hold, but I didn’t hear what she said, and I thought she was giving it to me. And I ate my mama’s breakfast. Man, I ain’t never seen her this mad before. ‘Cause all I heard was, “Here.” I didn’t hear, “Hold this.” I didn’t hear that. And she says, “Get that door! Get the door! You make me sick. Every Sunday, we gotta go through this! Here! Hold that.” And I got it, I was like, “Huh? I thought Mama was mad at us. Well, she said, ‘Here.’ Why’d Mama fix me coffee?” My brother was in the backseat, “Man, what the hell you doing? That’s Mama food.” “Shut up. Can’t stand to see me have nothing. Just like Grandmamma said, ‘Crabs in the bucket. Don’t even have to put a lid on the top.’ Mama fixed this for me! Mad ’cause you ain’t in the front seat. Make me sick.” All of a sudden, my mama said, “Hand me my plate.” “Shut up. Mama, what’d you say?” “Boy, I said, hand me my plate!” “Mama, you mean the plate you gave me?” “Boy, the plate I told you to hold!” “Mama, you said, ‘Here.'” “Boy, I said, ‘Here, hold my plate.'” “Mama… [whimpers] Mama… Mama, you still love me, Mama?” “Boy, what are you talking about?” “You know how sometimes I be doing stupid stuff, Mama?” “Oh, I know you didn’t sit up there and eat my food! You get out of this car and you walk to church. You hear me? You get out and you walk to church! You got enough energy, get out of here!” [sputtering] “Mama, I’m sorry! I left you the biscuit, Mama!” I had to walk all the way to church, y’all. I didn’t care, I was full. I got in the back of the church, my brother was back there. We were back there talking. My brother was like, “You crazy.” I said, “You crazy. Let Mama treat you like that.” My brother’s like, “You gonna go to hell.” I said, “You already living in hell.” We back there talking and my mama friend see us and say… “Uh-uh.” Sister Russell saw us back there talking, she went, “Uh-uh. Back there embarrassing Sister Tucker. They ought to be ashamed of theirselves. Somebody get Sister Tucker. Touch Sister Tucker. Mmm-mmm. Chris back there talking. Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary! Hey! Mary, look. Mary. Mary, look. Look, Mary.” [mouthing] “He made it to church. I thought somebody was gonna kidnap him, you make me sick! Back there talking! Chris! Chris, shut up! Shut up, boy! You hear me? Shut up!” And I knew she couldn’t get up and move, ’cause it was the middle of the church, so I said, “Mama. You shut up, Mama.” [audience gasps] My mama… “Boy, are you done lost your mind, Chris? Now, I said shut up, boy.” “Mama, I said shut up, lady.” “You wait till after church, you wait till after church, Chris.” “No, Mama, you wait till after church, Mama. You hear me? You wait till after church, Mama! Ain’t gonna fix nobody no breakfast!” “Boy, you done went crazy, boy! -You, you wait–” -“Mama, you wait, you wait.” My mama so mad at me, they thought she was shouting. She mad at me, “Lord, I’m-a get him, Lord, I’m-a get him! He ate my breakfast, Lord, he ate my breakfast!” [chuckles] I love church, man. I love going to church. It’s fun in church. I like to see the people shouting in church. Especially the older ladies shouting in church. You know, the mothers? ‘Cause the mothers, they don’t go to clubs no more, so the only chance they get to dance is in the church. So they be getting down. They be sharp, too. They be having their suits on with the– Shiny, with the pretty hats and they get to shoutin’. They be getting down, they be like, oh… I be like, “Get down, Sister Scott.” Sometimes I go out there with them, “Go ahead, Sister Scott. Go ahead, Sister Scott! You still got it, Sister Scott!” “I know I still got it, boy. You gonna get in trouble, Chris. Your mama looking at you, Chris. Your mama right over there. 1952, doing the romp here, baby. I ain’t lost a step, look at that. Your mama gonna get you, boy. You crazy. I heard you ate her breakfast. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. What is wrong with you?” “How’d you hear about that?” Man, mothers know everything. It’d be scary sometimes in church. You know the people that run around in church scare everybody. They just bust out screaming… [screams] “Hallelujah! Thank you, Lord!” Even the pastor be scared. “Who the hell was that? There’s a demon in the church. Go to my office and get my oil… and a hot rag. I’m gonna get that demon right up out of this church. We not gonna have this in this church. That ain’t one of my members. I know all my members. And ain’t none of them that crazy.” Some preachers be a trip, don’t they? Some preachers be stingy. You ever been to a church, preacher’s stingy? Preacher have a pitcher of lemonade up on his pulpit, and two cups, don’t offer nobody nothing. Talking about, “Can I get an amen, church?” “Hey, man, pass some of that lemonade! You know it’s hot in this church! You know the water fountain don’t work.” -“Who said that?” -“Me, the brother in the fifth row! Hot as hell in this church!” “Who the hell in the fifth row?” Church be hot! You don’t care. Church be so hot the flies leave. “We going to a white church. It’s too hot in here. Let’s get the hell out of here, come on. [buzzes] Shit, the window closed. Somebody open the window! Oh, shit, man. We don’t want to be no member no more! Come on, man! Let’s get the hell out of here. Let us go! Y’all, n i g g azz.” [audience laughing] [chuckling] Preacher be moving too fast through the Bible, he don’t care nothing about this. He don’t wait on nobody. “Now, turn to John 45. I’ll wait for you.” You’ll be looking for it. “Hey, is John in the front of the Bible, or the back of the Bible? Hey, is John in the front of the Bible? Something wrong with my Bible, I think it’s broken. God bless you. God is going to bless you. You mean like that.” Soon as you get to John, “Go to Luke 45.” “Pastor, slow down.” -“Who is that?” -“Me, the brother in the fifth row! Nobody don’t know the Bible like you.” “Who the hell is in the fifth row?” “I don’t know, some brother.” Then the preacher keep you there all night long. Then got the nerve to say, “I want you all to come back for tonight’s service. It’s gonna be a fine, dandy time tonight.” I’m like, “Man, look outside, it is tonight. Look outside, it is tonight! We done been here all damn day.” “Who the hell is in the fifth row? Get him out of here! Messing up my sermon.” Now I’m a father. I’m a father now, I’m raising my son. -[audience applauding] -Thank you. Kids are free, man. Kids are the only people on Earth that can come and stare you in the face, look at you, and then walk away, don’t say nothing. Kids do it all the time. They just come up to you like this. [audience laughing] They make you feel uncomfortable. “Hey, little kid! What’s wrong with me? Come back here! Stay free, little kid. Stay free, man!” Kids tell you the truth. They’ll tell you if your breath stink, too. They’ll tell you. Kids will tell you, “Your breath stink.” -“What? What you talking about?” -“Your breath stink.” “Don’t talk to me like that.” “Don’t talk to me like that. Your breath stink.” “Your breath stink.” “No, your breath stink. You just say that ’cause your breath stinky.” You don’t know whether to be mad or nice to them. “Thank you. Bad-ass kid.” ‘Cause grown-ups ain’t gonna tell you your breath stink. They just walk around with y’all, they’ll tell everybody else. “Man, you smell his breath? God damn, he smell! Whoo! Shit! Did you smell his breath? [laughs] I gave him some gum, the gum didn’t want to go to him. I was like, ‘Damn.’ I mean, his breath be kicking it. Can smell it over the phone. I’m talkin’ bout, his breath stinks.” I wanna take my son to Africa, though, I wanna take him to Africa. Any of y’all ever been to Africa? Go to Africa. Especially if you’re black, go see your ancestors. I went to Africa, they took me out there, I went out there for a genealogy thing. I went out there to see my ancestors. They took me out there, I did this thing. And they took me out there. They took me way out in this village, on this dirt road, all the way out to this village. They took me, and they showed me and said, “These are your people.” I said, “Don’t none of these people look like me. They done tricked my ass, got me all the way out here in the desert.” I was about to leave, till one of them reminded me of my Uncle John. He was like African Uncle John. He’s like, [in African accent] “Oh, my God, it’s so good you are here, Chris! I am so glad you are here, man. You don’t know how much… we pray for this day, man. I don’t know how the hell we gonna pay for this village, Chris.” I said, “I don’t know how the hell you gonna pay for it neither, man. Well, African Uncle John, I already got an African Uncle John. Now, I brought y’all some Coca-Colas and some shoes and I ain’t giving y’all nothin’ else. Where’s my Jeep? Get me the hell out of this village! Get me out of here!” When you’re a celebrity and you go to Africa, they do special stuff for you. They have people meet you at the airport. They had a big band meet at the airport for me. They had drums, they had signs and stuff. But I was tired ’cause it’s a long way to Africa. I got there, I thought I was gonna get some sleep before everything happened. I got off the plane, I said, “I’m gonna get some sleep.” And they was like, “There he is!” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ [beatboxing] ♪ Chris Tucker Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ I’m like, “What the hell is going on? This is so– Mmm-mmm. Hey, man. This is great, man, but I am tired, man. Could we do this a little later?” [in African accent] “No, please. That’s disrespectful, please dance.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ I said, “Man, this shit is disrespectful. Man, I am tired. I had a 16-hour flight, man, come on now. Can we do this later, man? Take me to the hotel.” “We are walking to the village. Please follow me.” “What?” “My itinerary said the Radisson, man. I ain’t goin’ to no damn village.” “Please, Mr. Tucker, just follow us, it’s not far. It’s only 200 kilometers…” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Two hundred kilometers! I don’t know how far that is, but that sound far as hell, man! Where the Jeeps at?” “It’s not far, Mr. Tucker, don’t worry. If you get tired, get on my back.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Shit, I’m tired now.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Get my luggage! Get my luggage!” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ [audience applauding] Thank you! Stuff happens in Africa, though, you don’t see nowhere else on Earth. I saw a cheetah walk through the hotel lobby. I was the only one scared, the Africans weren’t even scared. I’m like, “God damn, there’s a cheetah in here! Look at that goddamn cheetah!” My security guard was behind me, I said, “Get in front of me, shit! Supposed to be protecting me. Anybody gonna get bit, it’s gonna be your ass.” I was scared. The Africans weren’t even scared. They were over there, rubbing it, [in African accent] “Oh, look at the cheetah. Look at this cheetah. What are you doing in this hotel? What are you doing? You don’t belong in here.” Pettin’ it and rubbing it, “What are you doing here? You must go outside.” He opened up his mouth, “Look at his teeth. Look at his teeth. Look at the designs in his mouth. He kill a man one bite, he kill a man one bite.” All of a sudden he slapped the cheetah on the ass to get him out of there. “Get out of here!” [exclaims] I was like, “What the hell is wrong with him?” The cheetah went crazy, he was like… [hisses] [snarls] [snarls] I ran out of that hotel so fast, I was like, “Shit! That cheetah gonna kill us!” And the cheetah was so fast, it ran by me, I was like, “Oh, shit, the cheetah! Get my ass back in the hotel. Close the doors of the hotel! What the hell y’all got the doors open for? You know cheetahs are coming in here and shit.” -“It only happen once a year.” -“That’s enough! Shit! Scared the hell out of me.” Africa is great. I went on some great trips. I went to Africa one time with Bill Clinton. That was fun, we went to, like, three or four countries in Africa, and Clinton was great, man. We had so much fun. We had so many places to go, we started getting bored, sometimes we just started playing games. I started doing impressions of Bill Clinton and he started liking it. He was like, [mimics Bill] “Oh, shit. That sounds just like me. That sounds– Oh, that sounds good, that sounds great. I like that.” He invited me to Africa, man. He invited me, he said, “Tucker, you wanna go to Africa with me? I think you’ll like it. You’re black, I’m black. I think you’ll like it. Come on. It’ll be fun, come on.” So I started doing impressions, man. Everywhere we went, he wanted me to do him. We’re at little parties at night… “Tucker, come, come do me. Come do me. Come on over here.” Every country we went to. Finally, I got tired, we got to Nigeria and he wanted me to do it in front of the president of Nigeria. I was scared. Shit, if I mess it up, they’d put me in jail. I just said, “No, not now.” And he said, “Tucker! Come on, come do me. Come do me. Don’t act like that, come on.” I said, “Mr. President, I’m tired, it’s been a long trip. -Maybe I won’t do it this time.” -“Tucker, come on now, I need you. I set it up now. Come on, don’t let me down. You want a ride home, right, huh? You wanna ride commercial or private? You let me know, Tucker. That’s a long-ass flight home, Tucker, that’s a long flight.” [audience cheering] Clinton got Barack elected! Clinton came out there and said, “I’m telling you right now, I’m going to tell you the truth. You ain’t gonna like this, I’m gonna tell you right now. You won’t be laughing after I say this.” And black people, we love Clinton because Clinton knows how to break it down, we’d just be listening, “God damn!” We’ll be listening like he ain’t supposed to be telling us. “Clinton, you ain’t supposed to be telling that shit. We aren’t supposed to be hearing all this!” “No, I’m going to tell you ’cause you need to know! These Republicans are crazy as hell! They tried to put me out of office. Shit! And the economy was up! They don’t give a damn, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’m not bullshitting you.” [audience cheering] He said… [giggles] He said, “Now, listen, if you’re black, you should really hear this.” And black people were like, “What? What is it?” “The Republicans are trying to bring back slavery, I swear to God! I’m not lying to you!” He know how to rattle us. “What?” “Vote for Barack, I bullshit you not. Do it. I told ya, I’m going to break it down today. I’m not gonna lie to you.” He did good for Barack. Barack was like, “God damn, that was good. Shit. Bill, that was a good-ass speech. I thought you was running for president, God damn. It was so good. [chuckles] You made it hard for me. How the hell I’m-a follow that, Bill?” [mimicking Bill] “Well, do what you gotta do, bro. I told you I was going to set you up. And that’s what you wanted, that’s what you asked. You wanted four more years, you called on your boy Billy. I’m gonna do it for you. [audience cheering and applauding] I’m gonna hook you up. I’ll do it right here. If I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do what I do. I’m not gonna mess around with ya.” Barack was happy as hell. He came out there, “Give me five, yeah. That’s my boy, that’s my boy right here. That’s my dawg, that’s my dawg, right.” But Barack knew he was gonna get back in office when he got Bin Laden. Remember when he got Bin Laden? He knew it! He came out there, man, he was ready! He was in front of the White House lawn, he was ready. He said, “No, no. I got this. I got this. Uh, America, la-di-da-di, we got Bin Laden. Got his ass. We got him. We got him yesterday in Pakistan, 0400 hours, I sent the SEAL team over there to get him. Matter of fact, I went with ’em. And I saw him. I said, ‘Look, there he is, right there, look at him. In the window, fixin’ breakfast and shit, like he ain’t did nothing, look at him.’ I said, ‘Give me the gun. I’ll get him, I’m the president. Shit, I’ll go get him.’ So I went in and busted in there, I said, ‘Bin Laden, la-di-da-di, bitch! [imitating machine gun] Let’s get the hell out of here, come on. Let’s get on the plane. I got some chicken on this plane, come on, let’s go. Let’s get the hell out of here. Thought we forgot. Shit, no.'” Barack couldn’t believe he won the first time, remember he won the first time? He was like, “God damn, I won? Shit! Oh, shit! I was just playing, God damn. What? What the hell? Shit. I was just bullshitting.” -“Mr. President, come this way.” -“Who you talking to?” -“You.” -“Oh, shit, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Shit. God damn, I gotta get this in my head. God damn, I was– I just wanted to find something to do, God damn. How am I gettin’ around?” “Air Force One is right over there, sir.” “God damn, I got a plane? Shit! Baby, come look at this shit. Michelle, we got a plane. God damn. Look at this! Sasha, Malia, go sit in captain’s seat. That’s your daddy’s plane. Go on up there. I got a goddamn plane for wherever the hell we wanna go.” I love his walk. Barack even got that little African walk. African-American, African walk. He’ll be walkin’ and drums be going off. [beatboxing] [vocalizing] Barack ain’t gonna put up with reporters yelling out no more, he ain’t gonna put up with that. He was doing the first year, they would say, “Mr. President, you’re a liar!” Barack was like, “Who said that shit? Who said that? Who said that? Come down and slap the hell out of you, who said that shit? Don’t talk to me like that, I’m President of the United States. Shit. I’m from South Side, Chicago. I’ll come down and whoop that ass. Come on, not this term, not this term. I put up with that last term, not this year. Not now. Not no more, I swear. You’re talking to Barry here, God damn it. Barry!” Reporters are a trip, man. These reporters be all over the place, man, they be… White reporters will go anywhere. You never see no black reporters over in these Lebanon and shit, we don’t do that. White reporters will be right over, like Anderson Cooper, all of them be over there. [mimicking Anderson] “We’re right here and there’s a bomb right behind me. It just went off. My ass is hot. I don’t know how the hell… Oh, my Lord. I don’t know why I’m here.” We’ll be on the TV, black people, “What the hell are you doing over there, Anderson? Get your ass out from over there! I don’t wanna see your ass get blown up! Turn the channel, I don’t wanna see this shit.” Black reporters, we don’t be going over there. They be trying to get us over there, we don’t go over there. That lady will be in the newsroom, CNN, and be like, “We’re about to go to Tyrone. We’re going to Tyrone in Libya. Tyrone? What’s going on over there in Libya? Tyrone? Where is he? Where is he, he’s not showing up here. Where is he? Oh, there he is. Tyrone! Hi, Tyrone. What’s going on in Libya?” “I don’t know.” “Tyrone, where are you?” “I’m downstairs in the newsroom.” “Tyrone, aren’t you supposed to be in Libya? How come you’re not there?” “Same reason your ass ain’t there, Kathy!” “Tyrone, you’re gonna get fired for this.” “I don’t give a damn. I quit! Shit! At least I’m alive!” [chuckles] Barack’s the man, man! You know, they try to get him, “Mr. President!” He’s too smart, he went to Harvard, you know he went to Harvard. You couldn’t catch him in nothin’. Barack never answer a question. He always say, “Look.” That’s all he say. He won’t answer the question. He avoid all of ’em, and he say, “And… and…” He’ll do some shit like this with his thumb, I don’t know. I think this means, “I’m-a kick your ass if you keep messing with me. Keep saying some shit like that. Keep saying it. Kick your ass.” He never answers. He always say, “Look.” If the reporter’s like, “Mr. President, what’s going on with the job situation and the gas prices?” “Well… well, see… See, we… [stammers] Well, look, we’re looking into all that. And we’re gonna get to it. We’re gonna… we’re gonna fix it.” And white reporters don’t play that shit. They be like, “Mr. President, what’s this ‘look’ shit? Answer the goddamn question!” “Well, you see, you see what I’m talking about? Y’all see this, right? This is what I’m talking about. We don’t need this in this country and look at this shit– This press conference is over. You don’t talk to me like that. This shit is over. Look at that shit, it’s over. Get up on this thing, let’s go up in this plane, I got some chicken up on this plane. Let’s get the hell out of here. Come on.” He gonna be doin’ what he wanna do now, he ain’t gonna be hidin’ nothin’. Him and Michelle are gonna be fighting in front of the White House lawn, it’s gonna get crazy. [audience applauding] “That’s okay, if she wanna go, let her go. Let her go, if she wanna go, let her go. That’s what she wanna do, let her go. She can’t take my helicopter, though. Tell her take that station wagon she came from Harvard with, take that. Gonna act like that? You know, I got all this stuff on my back. Matter of fact, if you wanna go, Michelle, take your mama. Take your mama with you. Take your mama. Sick of that. Don’t wanna hear it no more. Can’t take my kids, though. Sasha and Malia are staying with me. Wanna smoke a cigarette, I smoke when I want to. Stressed out. Take my helicopter… I need my motorcades and my helicopter. I’m the president, I got shit to do.” You know they be fussing sometime, you know. Barack be rushing her a little bit too much, rushing Michelle onto Air Force One, “Come on, babe, let’s go. I got some chicken on the plane. Let’s get up here. Let’s go.” You know, Michelle come back, “Don’t be rushing me. I don’t work for you. Shit.” Barack come back, “Oh, baby, come on, it ain’t like that, baby. Come on. Why you so mad, baby? What you gonna do? Divorce me? Take half the country? Come on, baby, don’t do that. Take half the White House? Baby, come on, it’s not that serious, don’t do that.” Michelle come back, “Nobody want this broke-ass country.” [audience cheering and applauding] [upbeat music playing] Good night, Atlanta! I love you, God bless y’all! [audience cheering uproariously] [announcer] Atlanta, Georgia, give it up for your boy, Mr. Chris Tucker! Let him hear it, Atlanta. I am a black Arab. Oh, shit! [men laughing] [inaudible] -Thanks so much. -Pleasure to meet you. Thanks so much. See you guys, man. Here, here! -Where’s Jackie? Where’s Jackie? He’s in Hong Kong. We are all sheikhs. This is Sheikh Terry. He’s so rich, he don’t even know how rich he is. That’s how rich he is. How many oil fields do you have? -I don’t know. -[chuckles] He’s so rich, he don’t like to count his money. This is Tony. He’s so rich, he doesn’t even talk. He doesn’t talk, he’s that rich. He don’t– How rich are you? I’m rich, too. I have to admit. But not like these guys. Okay, okay, I am. I own these guys. You see my Nikes. I love Americans. Some stuff American, some stuff. Abu Dhabi desert, baby! [speaking imitation Arabic] [singing in imitation Arabic] That camel said, “God damn! Who the hell is on my back?” He said, “Who? Who had those church shoes on, on my back? Look at his shoes.” [men laughing] Bond. James Bond. I’m Sheikh Tucker. With my Nikes on. Sheikh Tucker wears Nikes. ♪ We’re gettin’ Arab money Sheikh, Sheikh Tucker ♪ You ready? We’re ready. You ready? Okay! You don’t talk! I’m ready. He’s not supposed to talk! He talked! I can’t believe he talked! He must be excited. Let’s go. [men laughing] Taking advantage of every moment. Every minute. Every hour. Money is not everything. Money do not bring you happiness. It only brings you trouble. Oh, shit! God damn, he’s tall! Singapore! Singapore! Whoo-hoo! [indistinct chatter] [woman giggling] Whoo-hoo! [Chris in Australian accent] Here in Australia! Down under! Come with me again… ♪ To the land down under ♪ |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/reggie-watts-spatial-transcript/ | Reggie Watts: Spatial (2016) – Full Transcript | reggie watts | Hello, I’m Thomas. I’m so glad to meet you Mum’ ? I’m Freddie. I met a girl I like today. She’s beautiful. I just wanted to kiss you. – I want to kiss you now. You’re amazing. Any of you girls fancy it ? You’re repulsive. Go on, fuck off home ! I’m never going to a brothel with you again. # Oh God now when’s the time # For me, oh # When will you see me through? # Oh God my mind is eating # My heart out # Oh God my heart is beating # My mind up # Please, come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Hi, I made tea. – Huh? Oh! Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to surprise you. It’s OK, Anthea. Um… What are you doing? Oh, you know… Just, er, just looking. Right. Whizzer. Eff’s a bit out of it. She’s beautiful. Not like me. Oh? Seems like somebody likes you! My boyfriend gave it to me. I only knew him three days. Thomas. Now he’s gone. But it was fun while it lasted, hmm? So much fun… Yeah, it’s called love. That’s a big word ! – I dunno, Four letters is … Oh. But I’m sure it is love : All you want to do is kiss them and, you know, other stuff. Brilliant stuff. Yeah. Yeah, brilliant stuff. Maybe this Thomas will hop on a train and come back to see you. You can’t get a train from the Congo. – Congo ? Yeah, it’s a Democratic Republic, located on the Equator, bordering Gabon and Cameroon. Yeah, I remember now. I really miss him. You think love conquers all, Anthea? I hope so, sweetie. Why don’t you wake up the sleeping beauty and tell her we have something called “breakfast” in our country? After that we had to get out mega-speedily, so we climbed over some spiky fence, and then found ourselves in this field. Then what did we do, Eff? – Can’t remember. We either went to the park to find the boys and then got chips, or the other way round. Which was it, Eff? Chips. – Oh, yeah. Super cool. Brown sauce soaks up all the Red Bulls. And then we went crazy, cos’ Cook pulled down JJ’s pants and showed us his willy. Morning, Mum. Yeah, thanks. Super duper great night at the youth centre. I made soup, we prayed and recycled socks. Soup. For the homeless, they love soup. Um, cream of mushroom… Okey-doke. Effy says, “Howdy doody.” See you later, alligator. Did you just … That was a pack of lies. Oh, you can’t tell my mum the truth. She’d only do agony flip and go ra-ra. Is she speaking English? She means the truth hurts, Dad. It’s for her own good. Otherwise, truth… Boom. You all right, love ? – Yeah, I just, erm, I just gotta, er… Stop it. – You stop it. Is someone going to start speaking a language round here I fucking understand ? Steve, mate ! Am I driving today ? No. You’re doing the International Webcam and Hard Drive Expo in Poole. You don’t want to miss that. I can’t do it. – Jesus ! You should have told me, I fucking love those hard drive events. Jim, who are you talking … – I need you. OK, I’ll get the car keys. Get you to Poole in no time. For fuck’s sake, I love you! When are you fucking going to understand that? Steve, Mate, I’m… I’m married. I’m straight. Don’t do dick, no way no how, but, you know… I mean, c’est la vie. – I can’t stand it, Anthea! Each to their… own. – I told you ! – It’s too late ! Wallop! Bitch ! Bitch ! Bitch ! Bitch ! You don’t understand ! Jim, please ! Listen ! – All those weekends ! Those bendy fucking yoga weekends in Dartmouth ! Jim, please ! Oh, you were bending all right, weren’t you ? In all the right fucking places ! – Oh please, Jim… Just let me… I just want to explain to you. You’ve done enough explaining, haven’t you? Jim, I’m sorry. – I love you. Please, don’t leave me down. What a mess. They fuck you up ! They don’t mean to, Eff. But they do. Effy! Not now, Mum. Effy! Bugger it, Eff. You can’t half leg it. And I’ve got cross-country badge! Do you think your mum and funny beard have been, you know… making monkey ? Yes, Pandora. They’ve been making monkey. Wow ! Surfed and turfed ? Yup. Eff. Eff, don’t cry. Does this mean you’re not coming to my pyjama party ? I’m not crying. Right. But my party ? Sure. Why not ? Let’s get totally, totally fucked. Um, yeah, that’s the thing. My mum’s gonna be there, and we’re gonna put on pyjamas and play Twister. It’s brilliant fun, more fun than getting fucked. Probably. And then you’re all going to tell me how to do it with Tommo because basically, I haven’t got a clue. Pandora, why are we friends ? Do you ever wonder ? Well, that’s super easy. You’re my pal because you’re the coolest ever, and I’m yours because I’ll totally do anything you say and none of your boyfriends ever want to surf me cos’ I’m useless. That’s it ? – Yeah. Come on, Let’s get hot chocolates. – Cool. Effy ! Hey ! Oh, shit ! I’ve been ringing you loads! You know Danny, he plays for the Bristol Rovers Reserves, yeah ? Yes, nice one, tasty. This is my new best friend, Effy. Cool tits, yeah ? Sorry ? Nice jugglies, babe. Perky. – Danny ! He doesn’t mean it, Do you, babes ? – Fuckin’ right I do ! Yeah ! – And I’m Pandora. OK. Hey kid, you should come up the ground, watch the lads train, yeah ? Cos’ after, we get some Lambrinis in, we go lucky in the showers ? He’s joking, right ? – Um, yeah. Right. Anyway. Can’t wait for this party tonight ! I’ve got a shitload of weed and pills. Weeds ? Um, no… – Cool. Yeah man. Way safe. Orgy ! You’re not coming. It’s girls only. Right ? Yeah. We’re gonna tell secrets and get intimate, no boys. Intimate ?! Yes. Nice one ! Take photos, babe ! So I’ve got Flying Saucepans and Love Fountains. Woo! We’re gonna fry ! – But, we’re doing Twister. Cool. You can snort that, right ? Not exactly. – Love Fountains are mint ! Mum’s making brownies. You OK ? She’s upset because her mum’s been making monkey and her dad’s gone ape. Huh ? Bananas ! Cos Beardy Steve’s been making her do the Funky Gibbon and… I’ve boobed, haven’t I ? – Yes ! Me loves the Funky Gibbon ! Danny ! – Yeah ? You’re gonna fuck off ? We need girl time. Yeah ? – Practice your ball skills, babe. I’ll do that keepy-uppy thing later, remember ? Oh, yeah ! Cool ! Mum’s done the signal. So everybody knows where my party is. How many people did you invite ? Um. Four. You, Eff, Emily and Naomi. Naomi ? Why did you invite her ? Em’s says I have to or she won’t come. Ah. Sweet ! – Come on. We can do brownies and then lick our bowls out. Do you think she knows she sounds filthy half the time? Sometimes I wonder. Mum ! Blastification ! Drat ! Drat ! Fiddlesticks ! Panda, we have spoken about shouting like a goat in the house. Sorry. Look, Mum. Friends ! Still shouting, Panda. Calm time, please. I’m calm. I’m calm. I’m calm. So, this is Effy. Effy ! We meet at last. – Yes. Pandora has told me so much about you. Yeah, you know, Eff, your missionary work. Yes, I try and do as much of that as I can. That’s good. There’s so many bad things in the world. Boys, and drugs, guns, alcohol. Boys. Evil things. I’m glad Pandora’s found a channel she can pour her energy into. Well, yes, all the seamen like her. Seamen ? – Oh, yes. Loads of seamen. Some of them are homeless as well. We’d all love to see Pandora get her own missionary position. Right… Lovely. And this is ? – Katie. Katie. I haven’t heard about you. She’s a new friend, Mum. Stupid. Well, that’s wonderful. We’re not used to having so many friends, are we, Panda? No. And I’ve got more. Heaps more. Two more. Four friends. Goodness. We’re going to have a wild old time, aren’t we? I hope you all like playing Monster in the Dark. Looking forward to it. I expect you all want to wash your hands and take your shoes off. Come on. I’ll show you Mum’s special box. # London’s burning London’s burning # London’s burning, London’s burning # Fetch the engines, Fetch the engines # Fire, fire ! Fire, fire ! # London’s burning, London’s burning… # Making brownies, making brownies Really yummy, really yummy # Making brownies, making brownies In the kitchen, in the kitchen… Fucking hell. Yes ? Nothing, young lady. I have nothing to say to you at all. What the fuck is that ? – Hi. Jesus. I’ve never been to a pyjama party before, so I brought vodka. Was that right ? – Dunno. I don’t wear pyjamas. Right. I dunno why she invited me anyway. I hardly know her. I asked her to invite you. I thought we sorted this out. – No, I didn’t mean like… Well, it doesn’t hurt to get to know each other, does it ? We’re in the same class. We’ll be hanging out for the next two years… You going to tell people you’re gay anytime soon ? What ? I’m not. I’m not gay. Telling you, Em. You haven’t thought this through, have you? No. So can I just say again? Me, not muff muncher. Me, cock cruncher. You getting any cock? I have done. Except he had erectile dysfunction. 17 times. I was getting tennis elbow, you know. Yes? Can I help you with something? No. This is a quiet cul-de-sac and you are disgraceful young women. Yeah? So go fuck yourself, tosser. Hi! Hey… What? Hey! Mum ! More friends ! Naomi and Emily ! – Calm, please, Panda. Oh, yeah. I’m calm. I’m calm. We’ve been so looking forward to this, haven’t we, Panda ? Yeah. What ? Oh, y34h. Sh03s ! Are you all chums ? Oh, yeah. Ems and Naomi are real good friends. How lovely ! Really good, and now they like me as well. Hang on. Aren’t you Katie ? That’s the amazing thing ! Katie ! They’re twins. C’est incroyable, baby! Sorry? It’s French. Thomas taught me ! He’s such a blinkin’ dream and… Bugger. – Thomas ? Who’s Thomas? Oh, you know… Pandora. I do hope you haven’t been defying me on the subject of boys. He’s my boyfriend, actually. He does, um, excellent French. Right. Well, Pandora knows my opinion on boyfriends. They just want to get into my box. – Yes, and I do hope all of you will respect That in this house we do not allow unruly males at parties. I’m sure your parents would say the same thing. Um…yeah. – Yeah. Boys. Eeugh. Disgusting. There you go, Katie and Emily. Completely identical. Are you interested in all the same things? Um… I’m not sure. You like Twister, though ? – Sorry ? Twister! It’s brill! It’s gonna be twistomatic, baby! Pandora gets over-stimulated. We do exercises nightly. Oh, I’ve left pyjamas out for you all. They’re pink…and clean. Very, very clean. # I got some troubles but they won’t last # I’m gonna lay right down here in the grass # And pretty soon all my troubles will pass # Cos I’m in shoo-shoo-shoo… Ooh. Are they nicely gooey? I’m certainly hoping so. Heavenly. You know, I’m wondering if you aren’t a little bit naughty, Effy. I am. Well, I bet you’re naughty enough to try these brownies with me before anybody else. I’ll try anything. OK, then. Let’s dive in. I love brownies. I love them. # ..Shoo-shoo-shoo Sugar Town. Twister. Are you shitting me? Don’t worry. I spiked the chocolate brownies with MDMA. You what? Yeah. Appreciate it, OK. There’s fucking 40 quid’s worth in there. You think it’s funny ? – It is kind of. Yeah, enter into the spirit, Ems. So, Katie, you gonna be nice to me now we’re Twister pals? I promise not to grab your minge and everything. OK, ha ha. Hands off the muff and we’re sorted. Gotcha ! No buffing the beaver. – No groping the growler. Don’t tickle on my tinkle ! OK, I won’t fluff up your flange. – You done ? Yep. We’re double done with the DNA dump. Hey, guys! What do you think? Mum made them specially, and look! Jesus. So you can have Sexy Poo… ..or Brainy Poo. Except for me, cos I have Panda Poo ! Mum and me sewed ’em on. It was a wacker job, I’m telling you. I’m not wearing that. – Why not ? It’s a pyjama party. What the fuck ? Give it here. – Oh, whizzer poo ! Because look what goes with them. Isn’t Mum wick ?! # My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard # And they’re like, it’s better than yours # My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard # And they’re like, it’s better than yours, damn right… Are they getting undressed ? Cook, they’re not. Why would they get undressed ? Can I just remind you that Pandora’s party is specified as a girls only event ? Yup. And you know what that means ? Of course I do. OK, so I’m not 100% sure what it means. So let me enlighten you, Double J. Pyjama party means only one thing – girls getting friendly. Friendly? Oh, yeah. Real friendly. Hang on. Even I know that only happens in overblown and possibly illegal teen dramas. Mum says there’s a lot less sex going on than I might imagine. You never experienced wish fulfilment, J? Never. They’re all in there, girls getting to know each other, experimenting, getting lubed up and gagging for forbidden fruit and we’re gonna give it to them. If Freddie was here… Do you see Freddie? Did we invite Freddie? No. – And why didn’t we invite him ? Because he’s a fun-sponge ? – You got it. You see ? It’s a sign. Yes ? – Um… Hello. I’ll call the police. # I’ve seen her once or twice before She knows my face # But it’s hard to see with all the people standing in the way… Cook? Cook?! # In the mornin’ you go gunnin’ # For the man who stole your water # But the hangman isn’t hangin’ # And they put you On the street, yeah… # Come on! This is a fantasy and I have to tell you, a poorly constructed one. Just because I have a natural facility on a climbing wall… Come on, we need to see them doing it. For the last time, they are not going to be doing it. They will not be naked, and they will not be engaged in mutual masturbation… Check. – What ? I’m requesting a check. Is that too much to ask of a friend ? What the fuck ? Oh, my god, oh, my god ! – What… What ? What ? They’re n.. na… Please, say naked. – Nearly naked. That’s good enough for me. Ah…! Cook…! Cook…! What the fuck ? Come on, Eff, pyjamas. – Whatever… Cook, I can’t hang on. I’m going to slip! What was that ? Nothing. Tummy. Too much cake… Hey, Mum. Look. We’re pretty in pink! Oh! That’s wonderful, girls. I must compliment myself, though. My brownies are usually delicious, but I’ve really excelled myself. This is my third already. Yum… I’m gonna have three. Thanks, Mum. Yeah, sure… Wow. Listen to that. # BON JOVI : Livin’ On A Prayer Can you hear the music ? Oh, yeah ! Mum ? Oh, that’s beautiful. Oh, it sounds… What’s she doing ? – Wonderful ! oh, wow ! Yeah, I’m getting it ! I’m telling you. That is fucking good shit ! What have you done? Eat a cake, Panda. It’s gonna be a long night. # Tommy used to work on the docks # Union’s been on strike He’s down on his luck # It’s tough # So tough # Gina works the diner all day # Working for her man # She brings home her pay For love # Ooh, for love # She says, “We’ve gotta hold on To what we’ve got # “It doesn’t make a difference If we make it or not # “We’ve got each other And that’s a lot for love # We’ll give it a shot!” # I’m telling you, man. We gotta fucking get in there ! No. – No ? Freddie says, every time you ask me to do something, just say no. He said that ? – Yes. It’s a song … Which gives useful lifestyle advice, but More than that, it’s a state of mind. Maybe me and Freds we’re gonna have words. But somehow, love you or leave you Gay J, I’m going to this party ! You coming ? No. Just say no. Suit yourself, Gay J. Oh, balls! Freds, you gotta get down here! We’ve gone to Nine. ‘Nine?’ Affirmative. It’s a Niner. Code Red. He’s going in. – ‘Stop him, JJ. Stop him !’ Result. Eurgh! Oh, God… Dump her in here! Dump her in here! Shit! Fuck! That was so… So fun. Is she breathing? Yep. – Safe. Oh, man! Panda, come on ! Let me in. – Go away ! It was a joke. It wasn’t even me ! You always bog everything up ! It’s always you ! You do everything you like just cos’ you’re depressed, cos’ your mum’s getting wacked up the pants ! Well, bogging bog off ! This is my party and I’m upset because my boyfriend got deported and you’re supposed to be eating jelly and playing Twister at my party and telling me how to pop my cherry with my boyfriend ! Christ’s sake ! I will show you how to do a blowjob. I don’t want a blowjob. I want my boyfriend back ! Panda, I was just…. Panda ! Um… she’s upset. Do I ever get to be upset ? Do I ever get to be anyone but me ?! Eff… – Fuck off ! Effy, just… Panda… Oh, for Christ’s sake ! Get Cook out. Don’t get arrested. They will not be naked. I’m going in. Where you going ? Wine. I want wine. Hurry up with it ! Get beer, lezzer ! All right, all right ! Keep your vagina on. So… What do you want, Ems ? Pinot Grigio, or… cider oblivion ? Anything… Just give me a fucking… Just… Just give me a… # ..Cos I’m being taken over by a feeling… # It’s only the drugs, right ? # ..It’s all about fast cars And cussing each other # But it doesn’t matter Cos I’m packing plastic # And that’s what makes my life So fucking fantastic # I don’t know what’s right And what’s real any more # And I don’t know How I’m meant to feel… # You liked that. You’re gay. Yes. Oh, my giddy, giddy, giddy… aunt ! # GIRLS ALOUD: “Jump (For My Love)” Fuck. # ..Then jump for my love # Jump in # And feel my touch # Jump, if you wanna taste my kisses in the night, then # Jump for my love # I know my heart can make you happy # Jump in! You know these arms can fill you up # Jump, if you wanna taste My kisses in the night then # Jump for my love… # Shit. Hey, Katie ! Katie ! Where are you, girl ?! Which fucking house, girl ?! What’s going on, kidder ?! The lads ! Wahey ! Oh, shit. Yes! Pyjama party, check it out, lads. Nice one ! No, No. You’re not meant to be here, remember ? Come on. Have a heart. We lost 7-0 again, innit ? You know the lads… Tommo… Marco… How you doing, man ?! Jonno… Sambo… Keeno… Danno… Paedo ! Nice ! # BEASTIE BOYS: “Three MCs And One DJ” Sorry. Hello ? The fucking door’s locked itself, hasn’t it ? Hey. Hey. You should’ve pulled. I will now, won’t I ? Is this the cupboard for mindless sex ? You don’t give a fuck about anything, do you ? Nope. Go away. Go away. Please. I want my boyfriend. Yeah. Wait. Hang on. Don’t push. I wanna… Wait! There’s something here. No. Aargh! What the fuck? What’s going on? Are we…? Are we next door? We’re next door. ‘Hello. I’m Martin. This is Angela.’ ‘Hi.’ ‘And this is how we have sex.’ ‘Oh. That’s lovely, Angela.’ ‘Thank you, Martin.’ ‘Could you rub a little harder ?’ ‘- Certainly.’ You ! Yes, you. I’ve called the police, you know ? I’ll be giving Angela a report when she gets back. Right. It’s nearly nine o’clock… disgusting. Absolutely shocking, what you kids get up to. Shocking ! JJ ? Throw me through the ceiling ! Throw me through the fucking ceiling ! JJ ! JJ ! JJ ! G… G… Got locked on, Freds. It’s gone to a 12. Easy. It’s all right. It’s all right. Come on. We’re gonna leave, come on. Yeah? All right? I didn’t want to leave without him, you know ? It’s an international incident. I thought he was gonna… gonna… I didn’t want to leave without him. Fuck him, JJ. Freddie. You came. Cool. JJ gets locked on. You have to look after him. I thought Cook… Cook’s his friend. I think Cook’s your friend, isn’t he ? Not necessarily. Hey, you’ll never guess what Pandora’s Mum… We’re going home, Eff. Where’s Pandora ? Come on. I didn’t mean to fuck everything up. My parents are splitting up. I’m sorry. I got trashed. I’m sorry about that. It’s shit. # CAT POWER: Fool # Apartment in New York London and Paris # Where will we rest? We’re all living on top of it # It’s all that we have The USA is our daily bread # And no-one is willing to share it # Bane and dismannered We coax all the time # Knowing that nothing Is left when we die. # Come along, fool # A direct hit of the senses you’re disconnected # It’s not that it’s bad # It’s not that it’s death # It’s just that it’s On the tip of your tongue # And you’re so silent… # All right, Panda ? Hi. We’re the last ones standing. No one’s got any stamina these days. Right. Whizzer ! I wanted to play Twister… and then the girls were gonna tell me how to do sex. Bummer. How do you do it, anyway ? Huh ? You know, you’ve done loads of sex. No, Twister. Oh ! Well, you spin the dial, and then you put your hands and feet where it tells you. Hey, Panda ? Yes, Cookie ? Do you want me to show you ? What ? You know. # KANYE WEST : ‘Love Lockdown’ # I’m not lovin’ you Way I wanted to # What I had to do Had to run from you # I’m in love with you But the vibe is wrong # And that haunted me All the way home # So you never know Never, never know # Never know enough Til it’s over, love # Til we lose control System overload # Screamin’, “No, no no, n-no,” # I’m not lovin’ you Way I wanted to # See I wanna move But can’t escape from you # So I keep it low Keep a secret code # So everybody else Don’t have to know # So keep your love locked down # Your love locked down Keepin’ your love locked down # Your love locked down I keep your love locked down # Your love locked down I keep your love locked down # You lose # I stayed silent for two years # For two years # I never dared to come alive # Let go of my fears… # Wow. You really are beautiful. So are you, Mum. I wanted to be. One more time. # ..Just like I guessed # Why See ya later. Any good ? I don’t know what you mean. I mean he’s a sensational fuck, yeah ? There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, Eff. Just cos I’m useless, don’t mean I’m nothing. We’re friends because you don’t surf-and-turf my men. You said that ! He’s not yours, Eff. He’ll never belong to anyone. Shut up ! – That’s why you don’t really want him. Shut up ! – He’s not the one you want, Eff ! Shut up! You see, I know that because I’m your friend. But you don’t make enough effort, Eff. I’m just there to laugh at. You don’t know me. My life. My family. My Mum. Why don’t you know anything about my Mum? I know everything about yours. You’re right. I don’t know anything about your Mum. I’m sorry. OK ? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. What ? Careful what you wish for, Pandora. Why ? Panda ! Panda ! Look, I’m here! It’s me. > Are you not glad to see me? > Mother said I could come back. What’s wrong? > Don’t be a twat, Thomas. Give your girlfriend a hug. Yes… Oh, Panda. I missed you… I missed you too much. It’s OK. Everything is OK. Everything is A1. # LOW: Breaker # Our bodies break # And the blood just spills and spills # But here we sit debating math # It’s just a shame… # I’m sorry. # My hand just kills and kills # There’s gotta be an end to that… # | null |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/adam-devine-best-time-of-our-lives-transcript/ | Adam DeVine: Best Time of Our Lives (2019) – Full Transcript | adam devine | [rock music playing] [indistinct chatter] Hey, man. How are you? [crowd cheering] Thank you. Let’s do this. [man] Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Devine! [loud cheering] Hey, how’s everybody doing? Thank you, thank you! Thank you! All right. Yeah! Thank you guys so much. Take a seat. Thank you, thank you. Oh, my, you guys got me jacked. [crowd whooping] I’m fully juiced for this thing. Man, I am, I’m so excited to be here. Thank you guys for having me. I’m gonna have a blast tonight. We all are. [crowd cheers] I’m so excited to be… I can’t get that excited, though, ’cause I’m an adult man now. [laughter] You know, you can’t get that excited. They will lock you up. [laughter] You can’t get little-kid-level, like, geeked, you know? [laughter] Remember when you were a kid and you would, like, open up a present, and you didn’t have the vocabulary to say, like, “Thank you so much, Mama.” [laughter] Or however you guys talked, I don’t know. I was kind of a weirdo. I said things like, “Yeah, Mama. Thank you so much, Mama.” You didn’t have the vocabulary to say that, so you just went like… [laughter] You cannot make that face as an adult. They will lock your ass up. [chuckles] You can’t do, like, adult-ass things like take your kid to school, drop them off, and be like, “Enjoy your lunch today. [laughter] [whispers] I made it myself! Ham and cheese!” They will have some questions about the quality of those meats, you know? I made that, like, little-kid-level excited face for, like, two months, as a child, I swear to you. My mom, uh, gave me a super bouncy ball for my birthday. You guys didn’t have poor parents? That’s cool. Uh… -[Adam chuckles] -[laughter] She gave me this bouncy ball, right? And for like two months straight, I was just in my driveway like… Snatched it in midair. [chuckles] That’s a phrase you only use in your youth. “Midair.” Nothing is midair as an adult. Everything as a child is like, “I caught it midair, Mom. It was soaring through the abyss, and I snatched midair. Midair, Mom, midair, midair, midair.” My mom’s like, “Jesus Christ.” [laughter] “Of course you caught it midair, honey. Because anything you catch in the air… [laughter] …would technically be midair. ‘Cause if you caught it on the ground, that’d be called picking it the fuck up, you idiot, you dumb little boy.” -[laughter] – But kids– What’s cool is that kids are still getting that level of geeked, you know, they’re still getting fully geeked, right? Like, I was in this elevator not too long ago, no big deal, and, uh… [chuckles] Fuck stairs! Who’s with me? -Stupid. Stupid. -[laughter] So I’m in this elevator, and I was having a crappy day, ’cause I’m an adult, right? So I’m wearing these boots, and they’re the shitty, asshole, adult fabric of suede. And it was raining outside. So I’m in this elevator, just defeated. I’m just like, “Oh, no, not my boots! Oh, my boots!” You know? I wasn’t verbalizing that, I’m not an idiot. [laughter] I’m not in an elevator alone going, “Boots!” [laughter] “No! Not my boots!” But I was thinking it, right? And… And so these kids come in, and they’re, like, 13, 14– That’s a weird age, right? Can we all agree that that is the worst age in the human existence? Because we’re like mutants at that age. You go from being, like, “Look at this cute little kid,” to having an 18-month period where you’re just a human Transformer, where you’re like… -[squeals] -[laughter] Ping, ping, ping! It’s confusing, right? It’s weird for girls, obviously. Obviously, you know? But it’s also weird for dudes. Remember how weird, like, eighth grade was? That was a confusing time, right? Remember as a guy, your voice would change suddenly just overnight, like, one day you’re like… [in high voice] “Wanna go play some kickball?” [in regular voice] And then the very next day, you’re like, “Fuck kickball, motherfucker!” [laughter] “I’m trying to get laid. Pass the Hennessy. [laughter] “Daddy’s trying to…” You guys… You guys remember middle school, right? Another… Another weird thing about being a 13, 14-year-old, for– as a guy, is like, a lot of people don’t realize this, but if you have a 13 or 14-year-old in your life, there is a 100% chance that their dick is hard 100% of the time. Constantly. And it’s not always sexual, you know? Sometimes, yeah, it is, you know. [chuckles] But not always. I remember one time, like, a gust of wind hit me just right. [laughter] Just a sexy, sexy gust, just… [laughter] Just someone slammed a car door. It was the month of August. I remember the heat coming off that car door. Just the… [imitates wind blowing] Just hit the nape of my neck just right. Just… [imitates wind] -And I was like… [screams] -[laughter] That was confusing, you know? I don’t know about you pervs, but I didn’t have sex at 13 or 14. Or 15 or 16 or 17 or most of 18, you know? [laughter] I’m a late bloomer. So suddenly, I just got an erection from the wind. That’s a confusing moment in a young man’s life. I was like… [laughter] “Do I want to fuck the wind?” [laughter] “Am I wind-sexual? What does this mean?” You know? “Wind-sexual,” so stupid. [chuckles] That could be, like… Everything’s so weird nowadays that that could be a real thing. Like if you saw on CNN, you’re like, “Wind-sexualism is sweeping the nation,” you’d be like, “Yeah, makes sense.” [chuckles] How weird– It’d be so weird and confusing to be like the dad of a 16-year-old boy right now, ’cause your son could legitimately come out to you and be like, “Dad, can I speak with you?” And you’re like, “You’re gay. And I’m perfectly okay with that. That’s fine for me.” And he goes, “No. Mm.” [laughter] “No, that’s weird that you put that on me. No, I’m not gay. But I am fully wind-sexual.” [laughter] And you would have to go, like, -“Yep.” -[laughter] “All right, let’s get the posterboard and markers out. We gotta march about this shit.” [laughter] “Between your sister wanting to piss standing up and you wanting to fuck the wind, we gotta march every goddamn weekend!” [laughter] “I remember when I took you to soccer practice. It’s okay.” There’s a ton of kids just on a bluff just trying to fuck the wind. [laughter, cheers] Trying to catch a good gust. [chuckles] “It’s El Niño season. We gotta get out there!” Stupid. What was I talking about? Weed, man, it’s legal in California. -[cheering] -Oh, you guys like weed? That’s cool. Yeah, these girls, they’re getting in the elevator, right? They’re coming in the elevator. They’re 13, 14. That’s a weird age for girls, ’cause girls grow so quick, right? That’s why you always see a pack of girls, they’ll be a bunch of little girls and then like one girl that’s, like, three and a half feet taller than them. She’s just… [squealing] You know? They always look like they’re, like– grew that far just that afternoon. Like, they grew three and a half feet, just like, “What’s happening?” [squealing] You know? That’s what was happening. She was gigantic, one girl that was coming in the elevator, she was, like, my size, like, 6’2″, 6’3″, you know? [laughter] [laughter continues] [chuckles] You can’t tell how big I am. I’m on stage, you know? So she comes in the elevator just all gigantic, and her friend comes in, and she has a mouth full of braces, you know, and she still looks like a little girl. You can tell she’s pissed her friend’s more developed, so she’s like, “Get in the fucking elevator, Becky.” [laughter] “Ooh, with your ‘new boobs.’ Complain about your back one more time, bitch.” Meanwhile, Becky’s like, “Everything hurts!” [screams] You know? And I’m in the elevator going, “Not my boots!” You know? But they were having the best time. The one little girl’s telling a story. She was like, “Oh, my God!” [laughter] “Oh, my God!” And her friend’s losing her mind, her friend’s like… [laughter] And I’m like, “Oh, shit. The youths are about to teach me something. This is gonna turn my whole shitty, adult-ass day right around.” And she goes, “We were running… We were running…” And I’m like, “Yeah? And then what happened?” And she goes, “We were running.” I’m like, “You said that, bitch, what’s up?” [laughter] And she goes, “And there was that puddle…” That was it, that was the end of her story. [laughter] Her friend lost her fucking mind. Her friend was like… [screaming] And I’m like, “Oh, shit, that right there is the difference between being an adult and being a child. Because as an adult, that story fucking sucked.” [laughter] That was a dog shit story. But as a child, that might have been elite-level storytelling for that crew. ‘Cause she wasrunning. There was that puddle. Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha. [laughter] Quite the epic adventure. I was also running. There was also that puddle. It ruined my fucking boots. [laughter] And it got me thinking, like, “Man. It’s so hard to have that level of a good time.” Like you guys tomorrow are going to go to work, and your friends are like, “How was the show?” You’re not gonna go like… [laughter] No one at home is gonna be like, “Yeah, you know what…” Your spouse or whoever comes in the room, and it’s like, “How was his stand-up special?” And you’re like… [laughter] It just won’t happen. Like, we’re adults, we’ve seen some shit. Some weird stuff’ll have to go down in order for us to lose our minds like that. Right? A ton of hot chicks would have to come running in with pistols drawn, like, “Freeze!” And we’re all like… [gasps] And they go, “Just kidding. We’re going to suck your dicks.” [laughter] And we’re all like… [laughter and applause] Stupid. Seeing some women’s faces over here, like, “That’s not the best time of my life. [laughter] That actually sounds like a fucking nightmare.” [laughter] Admittedly, that is a more dude-centric best time… of your life. That’d be pretty depressing, if you’re female, that’s where you peak. [laughter] That’s your best time of your life? You’re, like, on your deathbed talking to your kid. Your kid’s like, “Mom, like, when was the best time of your life?” You have a shitty kid. “Mom…” [laughter] “You’re dying, I guess? I dunno. Like, when was the best time of your life?” And you’re all old and shit, so you’re like, “Well…” [laughter] [chuckles] Why is that, you hit, like, 85 years old, no muscle control your mouth anymore, you’re like… “Sorry about this.” [laughter] [cheering] “I got… I got it. Well, I was at a comedy show. The little one from Workaholics and Pitch Perfect was onstage.” [loud cheering] “And other movies and TV shows, but I don’t want to go down the list. Halfway through the little guy’s set, a ton of hot chicks came running in, with pistols drawn, and started blowing your dad!” [laughter] “Best time of my life!” [laughter] Your kid’ll be like, “I’m pulling the plug. That’s just depressing. We didn’t march for that shit, Mom.” Stupid. The best would be watching every dude in here who’s on a date act like they’re not having the best time of their life. Be like, “Ah! What, babe? She’s got a gun!” [laughter] “We must listen to the assailants. Ah, no! Not the whole thing! What?” [laughter] “This is torture. No, no! Anything but the balls! Aah! No, don’t put a finger in…” [laughter] Stupid. [Adam laughs] That would be the conversation on the car ride home, too. It wouldn’t be like, “Oh, my God. We were just held up at gunpoint. That was insane. I saw my life flash before my eyes.” It wouldn’t be that at all. It’d be like, “Don’t put a finger in your ass?” [laughter] “What the fuck, Chad?” [laughter] Chad would be like, “What, babe, I saved your life.” [laughter] “I’m a hero, babe. I’d do it again. I don’t care. I would do it again.” He’s walking like that ’cause of the finger, you know. [laughter] That’s how stupid guys are, too, like, if it was Victoria Secret models that ran in here with guns, every dude in here would be like, “Let’s hear ’em out.” [laughter] [chuckles] “Possible blowjob situation might unfold.” Not me. I’m running. I’m a bitch. I know that about myself. I was recently in a bar fight. -I was in a bar, and… -[laughter] I’m not gonna lie to you guys. We have a rapport. I was in a bar, and a fight broke out. Man… I ran away so quickly. Like, aerodynamically fast. Like, head down, arms back, like… [screams] “Gotta get away!” [laughter] It sucks, ’cause I get recognized, you know? I can’t run away like a bitch anymore, like the good old days. I don’t want to be a meme the next day that just says, “Adam Devine, bitch made.” [laughter] You can’t run away from fights like you used to. Used to be able to get out of there. Now everyone has a phone connected to the internet on it. Right? Next time you’re at a bar and a fight breaks out, watch, there’s gonna be five dudes who are gonna act like they’re gonna join the fight and absolutely won’t. Like, a fight breaks out, and they’re like, “Oh, shit.” [laughter] Throwing kicks and punches from 35 feet away. [laughter] “I don’t know how none of those landed.” How come people that are about to start a fight suddenly lose their sense of hearing? You noticed this phenomenon? “What’d you say?” [laughter] “What the fuck d’you say? What’d you say? I can’t hear you. What’d you say?” That’d be a good way to get out of a fight, act like you’re deaf. Nobody’s gonna hit the deaf guy. You’re a fucking monster. He didn’t hear you. [laughter] You’re a piece of shit, you hit the deaf guy. You’re like, “Fuck this guy!” And he’s like, “I couldn’t hear you! I got a hearing aid, so I couldn’t hear you!” And you’re like, “Oh, shit.” [laughter] “Chad, Derek, let’s roll.” [laughter] “He couldn’t hear our qualms.” If you beat up a deaf guy, you definitely have two friends in your crew named Chad and Derek. ‘Cause those are the two worst white guy names. I hope there’s a Chad and Derek in here right now going, “What the fuck, bro?” [laughter] “Derek, you listening to this shit?” Derek’s like, “What’d you say?” And I’m like… [yelps] [laughter] [chuckles] How come when someone’s really loud, that’s not scary or intimidating, right? [whispers] It’s when they get quiet. That’s when it gets weird, right? You’re at a party, somebody bumps right into you, you spill a drink on yourself, you’re like, “Hey, man, fuck you.” And that guy goes, “No! Fuck you!” You’re not scared. You’re like, “Oh, he’s obviously a crankhead. I just won’t move.” [laughter] Crankheads are like T. rexes in that respect. He’ll be like, “Fuck you!” And you’re like… And he’s like, “…you…” [laughter] [Adam squeals] “Must find more crank!” You know? That’s the best T. rex impression you’re gonna hear tonight. [crowd cheering] It’s when they quiet, right? That’s when shit gets weird. Like, somebody bumps you, you’re like, “Hey, fuck you.” And that guy just goes… [shuddering] [wavering moan] [moaning continues] [whispers] “No.” [laughter] [whispers] “Fuck you.” You’re gonna be like, “Holy shit, grab your things. This guy’s gonna shank us. What is wrong with this man?” Stupid. Let’s get political, guys. Global warming, where do we stand? [laughter] Yeah. Fuck the coasts, right? Time for Omaha, Nebraska to get some beachfront property. Who’s with me? [cheering] I like how you guys all just applauded about mass death to half the… [chuckles] “Fuck it, let ’em drown.” Cool, guys. I can’t wait to go vacation somewhere tropical, like the Arctic. Just recline on my beach chair and slightly move my Corona to block the view of a polar bear drowning. [laughter] [screeching] [laughter] [whispers] Relax. [giggles] Stupid. Man, it’s so good to be here, guys. Thanks for coming out. [cheering] I put a lot of thought into this special, of what I’m gonna wear. I went with, uh, what I wear every day, so… Part of me wanted to wear a cape… just at the punchline so I could do shit like… [crowd whoops] I wanted to wear a cape so that, like, uh, when you guys are, like– you’re here and you’re like, “Man, he’s wearing a cape, that’s funny, he’s definitely gonna talk about the cape.” And then 20 minutes in, you’re like, “I guess he’s closing on the cape stuff?” [laughter] Then at the end of the show when you’re driving home, you’re like, “Fuck that guy, I hate him. He’s stupid. That was a fashion choice. I hate that man.” I actually did use to wear a cape, which is a little embarrassing, but whatever. There’s 2,500 of us, let’s get intimate. I used to wear a cape. I was, like, deep into magic as a kid, you know? [cheering] Yeah. [stammers] You know, I was 26 and deep into magic. [laughter] I was like seven years old and I was deep into magic. I didn’t know any, like, tricks or spells or whatever. I called them “ta-dahs?” ’cause I was an idiot. I didn’t know any ta-dahs. One of my big ta-dah would just be me putting earthworms on the sidewalk and being like, “How did they get there?” [laughter] “Ta-dah!” My friends are like, “You’re covered in mud. Obviously you dug them up. You’re horrible at this. Just wash your hands.” My other big ta-dah would be I’d leap out of the hallway closet and scare the shit out of my dad, while wearing a cape. But I did it every day. So he, like, knew it was coming. I’d be me at the top of the stairs going, “Papa…” I was a weird kid, remember? “Papa, I’ve fallen at the base of the stairs again. Right next to the hallway closet. Ah, help me.” And he’s like, “Jesus Christ.” [laughter] “She shouldn’t have drank when she had him.” [laughter] “We didn’t know, it was the ’80s, you know?” I’m hiding in the closet, he’d come around, he’s like, “Where are you?” It’d just be me leaping out of the closet, like, poof, “Ta-dah!” [panting] You know. ‘Cause I was a fat kid. [laughter] That was a lot of exertion for me. “Ta-dah!” [panting] That was right around the time that my dad told me that magic was for the gays. [laughter] Yeah, kind of a bigoted thing to say, right, guys? Oh, really? You guys don’t have bigoted dads here? [laughter] -Hmm! -[applause] Not buying it. [chuckles] My dad heard me say that, he was like, “I’m not a bigot.” I’m like, “Hm. Little bit, little bit you are.” [laughter] “Just a little bit.” He was like, “How could I be a bigot? I got a black friend at work.” [laughter] “Black Craig.” And I go… “Well, that is a bigoted thing to say. I’m sure Craig doesn’t like to be called ‘Black Craig.'” [laughter] “Doesn’t call you ‘White Dennis,’ you know? Just calls you the fucking asshole from work.” So I remember one time, like, as an adult, I look back at my youth, and I remember my dad being bigoted, but as a kid, I was like… I didn’t notice it, you know? And so we’re in this grocery store, and we see this dude who, as an adult I pegged as a pretty flamboyant gay man, right? But as a child, I’m like, “This guy looks like he knows how to dance.” [laughter] And my dad sees this same man, and he’s like… [groans in disgust] Like, butt cheeks just clenched. Like… [groans] And I’m like, “Whatever do you mean, Papa?” [laughter] And he goes, “Jesus.” First of all, my dad is the type of dude that thinks every gay man is, like, out to fuck him. You know? [laughter] And you guys don’t know what my dad looks like, but, uh… They’re not, you know? [laughter] Unless there into some very specific kinky shit. They’re like, “The rougher the hands, the better,” you know? Which I don’t think is the case. So my dad sees this man, he’s like, “Eee! Jesus Christ!” And he goes, “Look at this fairy over there.” Yeah. And I’m a seven-year-old boy. Who loves magic. [laughter] I hear the word “fairy” and lose my fucking mind. I’m like… [in high voice] “There’s a fairy over there?” [laughter] “Where? Sprinkle your pixie dust upon me, fairy. I want to fly.” [laughter] And my dad’s like, “Don’t let him sprinkle the pixie dust! Whatever you do, don’t let him sprinkle the pixie dust.” ‘Cause he thinks it’s… [laughter] …jizz, you know? [laughter] Stupid. [laughs] This is definitely a big enough crowd that there’s one person in here that read the poster wrong and thought Adam Levine from Maroon 5 was performing… [laughter] …stand-up comedy for the first time. I know that’s gonna happen on Netflix. Someone’s gonna be sitting at home going, “What the fuck is this?” [laughter] “He looks horrible.” [laughter] “Did he gain 40 pounds and lose 11 inches? He is atrocious looking.” But I’m assuming some of you guys know who I am from TV and movies and stuff. [crowd cheering] Thank you, man. It’s cool, man. I get recognized a lot, which is pretty fun for the most part. I get, like, free beer. That’s why my face is so squishy now. [laughter] That’s one of the main things. If I go to, like, a Sbarro’s Italian Eatery… It’s one of my favorite Italian eateries. There’s always a 16-year-old kid working behind the counter, going like, “Get the fuck out of here!” [laughter] “You can have whatever you want, bro. I will go to prison for this shit!” I’m like, “You don’t need to go to prison. I can… Actually, yeah, you might need to serve some time. Give it to me.” Meanwhile, if I go into a Jamba Juice, they’re like, “Get the fuck out of here. You broke up with Haley on Modern Family. You’re dead to us.” [laughter] “Bye-bye, bitch, no immunity boost for you.” But it’s weird getting recognized, ’cause no one’s ever cool when they recognize a celebrity. Everyone’s always like… [shrieks] “You’re the guy, the guy from the thing!” You know? And I’m– I’m no better. I ran into Will Smith at this party, and I don’t go to those parties very often, but, uh, I was at this party, and I’m looking for cocktail shrimp. And I’m like, “On the hunt for the cocktail shrimp. Mmm. Gotta get me some cocktail shrimp.” And just suddenly, it was just… Just ran into the top part of Will Smith’s dick. [laughter] And, man, I was not cool at all. In fact, I was the opposite of cool. I was kind of racist ’cause I went, “Morpheus!” [laughter] That’s not who he is at all. That is Laurence Fishburne, a completely different actor, but that’s how, like, geeked I was, you know? He was like, “Yeah, man, okay.” This is an impression of anyone when they recognize me. No one’s ever that cool. Yeah, t hat’s about my size. And… This is… Everybody’s always like, “Shit, is that that fucking guy? Is that that fucking guy right there? No, no, I’ll be cool, I’ll check it out.” [laughter] [sniffs loudly] [laughter] “It’s not him, he’s too fat.” [laughter and applause] “That is not him. That is not that man.” [crowd cheering] It’s weird getting recognized, man, it is. The first time it happened, it was like the scariest moment of my life, ’cause I didn’t expect it, you know? Like, uh, first of all, I didn’t get recognized right away like Blake from Workaholics. It was episode two or three, Blake got recognized ’cause he’s got that amazing head of hair, you know? Yeah, yeah, Ders got recognized ’cause he’s got those bodacious man titties. They’re nice. They are nice. My little troll ass, not one. I’m driving past local high schools, making eye contact with kids like… [laughter] “This ring any bells?” Nothing. Nothing. So when it finally happened, I was just like, “Yeah!” I was next-level geeked. and I was… It happened… I was at a stop light, you know? Which I stop at most times. Sometimes I don’t. I’m like, “Fuck it, kill ’em all.” But this time I stopped. And this dude comes walking past, and he’s like… He wasn’t walking like this, but he was cooler for the story. And he sees me and he just goes… Just dead inside. Just nothing happening behind the eyes, just like… [laughter] Like, I thought he was sent from the future to murder me. Like, Workaholics had ruined the youth of America, and this is the time traveler they’ve sent to end me. But he wasn’t a time traveler. He was a regular person, and he goes, “Adam!” [laughter] “Adam!” And I didn’t know what to do, you know, because… that’s my name, and so I was excited, and I didn’t know what to do, and I just did what came naturally to me, and evidently what comes naturally to me is the douchiest shit in the world because I went… [laughter] And then… Double backwards peace sign? That is elite-level douche maneuver. But then I literally said, “I’m getting recognized!” And then started driving a motorcycle. I’m sitting in my car and I went… [laughter] This man looked right at me and goes, “You got a tight butthole, man.” [laughter] “Your butthole is the tightest.” And he walked away, and I drove away feeling good. Just ego boosted. Until I realized he didn’t use it in the proper context. First of all, I’m seeing some Pitch Perfect fans in here -that are looking at me like, “Why is…” -[crowd cheering] Yeah. “Why is he screaming about buttholes?” Well, let me explain. On my show Workaholics, which we did for seven seasons on Comedy Central… [cheering] Thank you. Uh-oh. Went fishing for a compliment, caught one. And so on my show, when something is good or cool, it is… -[crowd] Tight butthole. -Tight butthole. And when it’s not cool or good it is… -[crowd] Loose butthole. -…loose butthole. I feel like a deranged 4th grade teacher. [laughter] Very good, class. Four gold buttholes. [laughter] Chad, Derek, you got that one right. “I know my buttholes.” Really boils down to I’m a nine-year-old who wrote his own TV show. I’m like, “Buttholes are funny.” [laughter] “Here’s the script.” “This is just sevens and question marks. We cannot use this.” “We’ll improv it. Buttholes.” You know. But this guy didn’t say it in the proper context, right? He didn’t say, “You’re being tight butthole,” or “You are tight butthole.” He screamed… in a busy intersection… “You got a tight butthole, man!” [laughter] “Your butthole is the tightest!” And I didn’t do anything to negate the fact that this man… knows the actual size… of my asshole. In fact, I went… [laughter] “I’m getting recognized.” I wish I could meet someone who was in that crosswalk that day who had just moved to Los Angeles, called their parents that night and was like, “Holy shit.” [laughter] “LA really is the most progressive city in America. The gays are just out here screaming about butthole sizes.” [laughter] Stupid. Pitch Perfect was a weird one for me, too, man, I swear to you, because as we’ve established, I’m a wee bit of a stoner. So… Yeah, weed, cool, all right. -Yeah, weed? All right. -[cheering] So I didn’t fully read the body of the email, I just read the subject line. It said “Pitch Perfect.” I’m like, “Cool, baseball movie. Put me in, coach.” [laughter] I showed up to this audition like a true asshole. I was in baseball pants doing stretches in the parking lot, practicing ground balls, just… I walk in the audition– I swear to you, I walk in the audition. There’s all these, like, cool-ass dudes. Hollywood is, like, a weird place, ’cause everyone’s, like, the better-looking version of you. They’re looking for a type, and you walk in and there’s a bunch of Taylor Lautner-looking motherfuckers. How come cool guys look like they had some shit thrown in their eyes? You know, they were totally normal when they walked in for the audition. They’re like, “Hey, what’s up? I’m here for the audition.” Poof! [laughter] “What’s up? I’m here for the audition or whatever.” That’s what was happening. There’s all these hot-ass dudes, and they’re singing. They’re all going… [humming] I’m like, “Good luck singing in the baseball movie, pussy.” [laughter] “I’ll be over here stretching.” [laughter] So I go in the audition room, and I did the audition, and it went really well, and they’re like, “What song did you prepare?” And at that point in my career, all I knew about Hollywood is that “No” holds a lot of power. If you say no, you hold all the power. So, “What song did you prepare?” And I’m like, “I didn’t prepare a song. Take it or leave it.” [laughter] And they go, “Leave it. Get the fuck out of here. Go away.” And I go, “I prepared a song.” [laughter] “That’s one of the many pranks I’ll be playing on the set of Pitch Perfect, the singing movie.” [laughter] They’re like, “So what song do you know that’s just on the radio so we know you can carry a tune?” And I’m like, “Yes, yes, yes, a radio hit. A current radio hit. Sure. Yes.” And then the only song I was able to summon was this one that was on the radio, which was… ♪ Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass Ass, ass, ass ♪ ♪ Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass Ass, ass, ass ♪ ♪ Bounce ♪ ♪ Motherfucker hammer time ♪ [laughter] Remember that classic from eight years ago? They were like, “Definitely not that song.” [laughter] “Definitely choose another song. Pick a song from your youth that you know a lot of the words to.” And I’m like, “Ah, shit. What song do I pick? I don’t know.” The only song that I was able to grab from the deep, wrinkly parts of my back brain was this hit, which was… ♪ Whatever happened to predictability ♪ ♪ The milkman, the paperboy Evening TV ♪ -[cheering] -Which is the Full House theme song. And that’s evidently exactly what they were looking for in the character of Bumper. [scatting end to Full House theme] -[crowd cheering] -[hums guitar riff] Stupid. [applause continues] I’ve been, um… I’ve been traveling all over, preparing to do this special, so I’ve been doing stand-up all over. I did a college a few weeks ago. There’s a sign language woman on the side of the stage ’cause there’s a deaf guy in the crowd. I don’t know what this is, but… What if this is sign language? What if there’s one deaf guy in the crowd going, “Say it again, motherfucker!” [laughter] “You talk about my mama one more time.” So I don’t know much sign language, right? But I did learn one word, and in case you guys are wondering the word “blowjob” in sign language… Exactly what you think it is. [laughter] What? I felt bad. This woman was like my mom’s age. She’s like a 60-year-old woman. She’s like… [deep sigh] [laughter and applause] I felt bad, man, but not bad enough not to add that word to my act 85 times. Didn’t even make any sense. I was just screaming it. I was like, “Blowjob! Blowjob! Blowjob!” [vocalizing] I’m like, “It’s a carousel of blowjobs.” She’s like, “What does that even mean?” [ululating] I’m like, “Why’re you tickling the balls, Carol?” [laughter] “That’s not part of the sign. What you doing after this, Carol? What’s good, girl?” [laughter] This is a good-looking crowd, guys. -Not all of you. Not all of you. -[cheering] There’s some uggos out there. All right, man, some days I look so ugly. Ever wake up and you’re just like, “Did I drink acid last night? What happened?” And I’ve got a squishy, gummy face. I’m gonna look hideous when I’m older. Like, I’m gonna look like a human Saint Bernard. Just like… [laughter] Just the droopy of skin. So, like, I was having one of those days a few weeks ago, and I walked past this window to get food with my friends, and I catch my reflection in this window, and I look at myself and I go, “You know what? You look like garbage. Time to give yourself a little ego boost.” So I looked at myself and go, “I would fuck that dude!” And I walked away feeling good, ego boosted, until I realized, I felt good about that exchange. The guy working at that Wells Fargo… [laughter] …felt pretty weird about that. This little troll motherfucker from Pitch Perfect waddles up to his window. “I would fuck that dude!” I hope it boosted his ego. I hope he’s like, “Yeah. You hear that, Sharon? He would fuck this dude. I know, I know. Not at work. Time’s up, I get it.” I have a girlfriend now. That’s a big thing in my life, guys. -Yeah. -[cheering] Yeah. It’s been four years, but, you know. I’m admitting it publicly now! [crowd whooping] [chuckling] Man, I hope we don’t break up. Yeah. [stammers] Like, guys have a hard time admitting that shit publicly. Girls will do it right away. You’ll be on like the third date and they’re like, “This my man. Back away, bitch, get the fuck away, bitch. This is my man.” Guys’ll be like a year and a half in and be like, “Oh, yeah. I know her.” [laughter] “Yeah, no. Yes. I’ve seen her around. She’s got that hair, right? Yeah.” Yeah. Then your friend calls you out. “Aren’t you living with her?” [laughter] And you’re like, “That’s where I’ve seen her around. Yeah. That’s right. The living room area. Correct. She does have that hair, though. That is true.” I– I– I will never break up with her, ever. Not that we won’t break up. I’m assuming she’ll break up with me, you know. And that’s what I want. I will never break up with a girl again, ever, never, never, ever. because if you’ve dated a girl for more than six months, all she’s doing is collecting horrific data on you, to crush you, just decimate you if you ever break her heart. I broke up with this girl once and I had to be cold with it, you know? I was like, “Hey, this is going nowhere. Just be cold, be strong, Adam.” So I’m like, “Hey, you know what? We’re done. I’m sorry, but it has to end now. I think we should see other people.” And without missing a beat, without missing one second, she goes, “You’re getting fat, you’re going bald, and your dick is whatever.” [laughter] [shouts] Yeah! Those are the three things I care about in my life. [laughter] Going bald, getting fat, and my dick being whatever? Whatever dick? So I looked right at her and go, “I am not…” [laughter] “…going bald.” [applause and cheering] Those other things are debatable. I’ll admit that. I had a girlfriend cheat on me once. Anybody have that? -[scattered applause] -Yeah, 2,000 people here, no one? Cool. You guys are like, “It might be your whatever dick. Think about that, maybe? Maybe that had something to do with it?” I cried in front of her. Oh, that is the most emasculating thing you could do. I– Why are you laughing? [laughter] Some mean bitch back there, like… [cackling] “We’ve caught another!” [cackling] I cried in front of her. That’s the most emasculating thing you can have happen to you. I didn’t allow her to see it, though, using the power of gravity. She was like, “I slept with someone else.” I’m like, “What’s that?” [laughter] “What do you mean, you slept with someone else? Explain yourself.” Just trying to wiggle the tears back in my tear ducts. How I found out is I walked into the room, and she was crying. That’s a bitch move. You don’t get to fuck someone else and keep all the boo-hoos. [laughter] All boo-hoos are mine in this scenario. I walk in the room, she’s like… “Mm-mm-mm… Mm-mm, no. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No.” You don’t know her, but this is a really good impression that I’m doing. “No. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.” I’m like, “What happened? Did one of the Pretty Little Liars die? You love that show. And she’s like… “Fine, fuck it.” [groans] [deep sigh] “I slept with Kevin.” And I’m an idiot, so I’m like, “What do you mean, you slept with Kevin? You slept near him when you guys went on that trip– business trip together?” And she’s like, “No, you fucking idiot, I fucked Kevin.” And I’m like, “Aah!” ‘Cause I know Kevin. Kevin’s nickname? Sweaty Kevin. [laughter] That’s not the guy you want to fuck your girl. You don’t want a guy with a nickname that starts with “Sweaty.” You don’t want Sweaty Kevin fucking her, you want Handsome Chris. Hemsworth. [laughter] If she fucked Chris Hemsworth, I would’ve proposed right then. “This shit’s real. Okay.” [laughter and applause] I would’ve told everyone for the rest of my life. I’d be like, “She fucked Chris Hemsworth. Now she’s fucking me!” [laughter] I would’ve told our kids. I would’ve been like, “Your mom fucked Chris Hemsworth. Now she’s fucking me!” And our kids would be like, “We know, Dad. We’re 6’4″ and blond.” [crowd cheering] [in Australian accent] “You’re delusional, mate. We’re Australian. What the fuck?” Stupid. I’m glad I have a girlfriend, mostly ’cause I can watch Netflix with someone, and not catch an STD. That’s it. Right? Like, being able to watch Ozark with someone and not have an itchy crotch. That’s the one-two punch of being in a relationship. STDs are terrifying, right? You guys disagree? That’s cool. You guys are like, “There’s some good ointments now, you can take care of most things.” STDs are scary, right? Not so much the S and the T, really. [laughter] Mostly the D. That’s the scary shit, right? Disease. Uh-uh. “Sexually transmitted” just sounds like some cool electronic band from Germany playing on the third stage of Coachella at 5:00 a.m., with some weird bangs, who’s like… [in German accent] “Hello… Ve are Sexually Transmitted.” [laughter] “Ja! Super. Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein!” You’re like, “These guys are good. They’re from Germany!” [laughter] “Can’t wait for song number ten!” Disease, that’s the scary shit, right? I think the best STD to have… Um… [clears throat] …would be the one I have. Know what I’m saying? No, Adam, ew. Ew! No. I think the best STD to have, hear me out, would be crabs… ‘Cause they sound delicious, right? [laughter] “I’ve got crabs.” Well, I have butter. Let’s have a feast! [laughter] Wait, that’s pubic lice? Never mind. I’ll leave the butter at home. You know what? I’m bringing the butter. Let’s party tonight. Why not? Stupid. Why is it whenever you’re at a party, whoever says they’re cool to drive is always the least coolest person to drive? Without fail. Like, if you drove somewhere, you should be able to drive home, right? It’s like saying, like, “I can tie my shoes.” If you come in a room and say, “I can tie my shoes,” everyone’s like, “Get this motherfucker some Velcro. He cannot handle the bunny ear situation on his tippy-toes.” You know? It’s always that person that passed out early at the party. If you took a nap at the party, you’re not driving anywhere. There’s no naps allowed at the party. It’s always on that decorative pillow your grandma gave you, with, like, the zippers and buttons. So when he wakes up, he looks like he got in a fucking knife fight in the 4th grade. He’s like… Comes in the room, you’re like… “Where’re you going?” [slurring] “Where you going?” Does that thing every drunk person does when they open their eyes way too wide to seem not drunk, but then they look like a serial killer. Where they’re like… “Where you going? I’m cool to drive.” You’re like, “No, you’re not, Chad.” [laughter] “I just saw you shadow boxing in the corner for 20 minutes. You just pissed in my laundry basket.” Keep saying things that don’t make any sense. “The bitch took my Skittles. The sour ones! I love the sour ones!” And you’re like, “I won’t let you drive, man. I’m a good friend. I won’t do that to you.” And then he’s like, “But we’re going to Taco Bell.” And you’re like, “Let’s go!” [cheering and applause] Why is that? Why is that, like, the only food in American society that we’re willing to die for? There’s no other food. If it’s 3:00 a.m. and everyone’s wasted, and your friend’s like, “Let’s go get some chicken parm!” You’re like, “Shut the fuck up, Larry.” [laughter] “I’m not gonna go eat chicken parmesan right now, you monster. No chicken parm right now, we’re wasted.” But if he’s like, “Beef and Bean Chalupa!” You’re like, “Slit my wrist right now. I will die for this shit. Cheesy Gordita Crunch? Give me the noose!” [cheering] I enjoy a party, guys, as you can tell by my extra neck fat. I do, man. It was just my birthday a few days ago, guys. -Yeah. -[cheering] Yeah, I just turned 35 years old. [cheering] Yeah, okay. Give it up for your mid-thirties, I guess. It’s a shitty age. ‘Cause I still party, but I’m friends with my friends from high school, who have real jobs. They have kids and mortgages and real lives, and I’m like, “Hey, what are we doing for my birthday?” And they’re like, “Your mid-week 35th-year-old birthday? Absolutely nothing, you Peter Pan motherfucker. [laughter] We’re not doing anything for your birthday. It’s Dalton’s soccer practice… the next morning.” I’m happy too, man, because my friends used to try to murder me on my birthdays. Twenty-one was the scariest day of my life. I feel like girls are nicer their friends on their birthdays. They’re like, “Fuck it, bitch, let’s do you, spa day, ah!” Not guys. Guys are like, “Are you ready to die tonight? You better call Mom and Dad, ’cause we’re taking you straight to Hell.” You know? My friends tried to murder me. They’re like, “21 shots, 21 minutes. Let’s do this.” I’m like, “Oh, that sounds dangerous.” [laughter] “But okay.” It’s always the grossest shots you ever want to take. It’s never anything you enjoy drinking. So it’s like, “Dude, it’s Cum in a Bathtub. Take it.” [laughter] “It’s a Gorilla Ass Fart. Take it, take it.” “This is just homeless piss in Tabasco sauce. We call it the Spicy Leon. Take it, take it.” Half hour later, I was curled in the fetal position, asking God for forgiveness. That’s when my friends decided to get me laid, too, which sounds like a good idea in theory. But my friends, I feel like most guys’ friends, secretly fucking hate me. So they got the biggest monster-truck, behemoth-Clydesdale mountain lady they could find, one with a mole with hair coming out of it that follows you around the room like Jesus’ eye in the painting in the spare room at Grandma’s house, so you can’t masturbate ’cause Jesus is staring at you. Know that painting? She put it up on purpose. She’s like, “Not in my house.” Like, “Finally, some alone time,” and Jesus is like… [laughter] They bring her to me. They’re like, “Hey, Adam, this is Denise. But we like to call her… [whispers] …Diesel. [laughter] She plays linebacker for the Rams. Enjoy.” And I did. [chuckles] My friends are stupid, too. My friends always ask me dumb questions. My one buddy comes up to me and he’s like, “Bro, bro. Seriously, would you suck a dick for a million dollars?” And I’m like, “Hmm… Why, do you know someone?” [laughter] A million dollars? That’s such an insane question. First of all, 80% of everyone in here would be driving a Maserati the next day. Like, “What, this? No, there’s a deal at the dealership. Check it out.” [laughter] [chuckles] I mean, what a dumb question to ask. It’s not like there’s some gay, eccentric billionaire out there with a cauldron of money. Just some creepy billionaire with just this cauldron who’s like, “Suck my dick! Suck my dick. Gather around boys, and tinier boys… to suck my dick.” There’s a line a mile long of straight dudes, like, “Fuck it.” [laughter] “Gotta pay off the student loans,” you know? Chad’s definitely calling Derek, like, “You hear about this shit?” “What’d you say?” And he’s like, “The blowjob thing.” And he’s like, “I’m wind-sexual. I’m off that.” [laughter] Stupid. I want to be rich. I’m a little rich. Thank you guys for coming. Thank you for watching. [applause] I’m not like super rich, though. I wanna be super rich. I’m the type of rich that I can, like walk into a Chipotle… like, any burrito shop and then order extra chicken. And then when they say, “That’ll be two more dollars,” I’m like, “I don’t give a fuck!” [laughter] I’m like, “Extra chicken for everyone in this bitch!” And they’re like, “That’ll be $64.” I’m like, “Extra chicken just for me!” That’s my level. I was actually able to do something cool with my money recently. When I was 18 years old, I wrote my parents a check for a million dollars, and then in the memo I wrote, “Cash it when you can.” Then this past Christmas I was actually able to go home and take that check and fucking destroy it, you know? [laughter] ‘Cause now I’m greedy. I got a little taste. ‘Cause I want to be, like, really rich. I want to be the type of rich I can have, like, real fun with my money. Right? Like to be able to go into a police station, say, “Hey, cops,” take a shit on the floor, then leave. [laughter] Just dropping wads of hundreds on the way out. They’re like, “I would arrest him, but this is too lucrative. I got bills to pay.” I wanna be so rich that I can, like, line my pockets with jewels, diamonds, rubies, emeralds alike. When a homeless person asks me for change, I say, “How about I change… your life!” [laughter] Stupid. You guys are good laughers. I appreciate it. Thank you for laughing. I’m always fearful that there’s one prankster in the crowd, that when you guys were coming in, went up to everyone like, “Hey, let’s just not laugh the whole time.” [laughter] “Let’s fuck with him, right?” You’re good laughers. Thank you. I hate when people, uh, like, laugh when they don’t mean it, ’cause we can always tell. Like, they think I need a little help, and they’re like… [forced laughter] “Mm-mm. Not for me. This butthole stuff’s disgusting. Mm-mm. Not for me. Not for me.” Laugh if you think it’s funny. Don’t if you don’t. That’s how it works. My least favorite thing is when a person finds it funny, doesn’t laugh, comments on the laughter. They say something like, “That’s funny.” [laughter] “That is funny.” Really? Then laugh, you piece of shit. [laughter] Laughter’s an uncontrollable thing, like screaming from pain. You don’t get in a car accident, come out missing your arm and be like… [seething] “Shucks, this hurts.” [laughter] “Shenanigans, I’m gonna have to get this checked out.” [Adam hums a tune] No, they’re like, “Aah! My fucking arm is missing! I’m missing my fucking arm!” Blood, blood, tears, angst. This is what angst looks like, by the way. Spirit fingers. Cheerleaders are always in angst. “The car wash didn’t make any money.” [laughter] “Billy didn’t talk to me. [whispers] I’m not gonna eat today.” [cheering] Hurkey! If you had no arms, would you wave like this? “I’m over here. Come this direction. Come this way. Chad! Derek!” [laughter] I want to stop doing that joke. “If you had no arms, would you wave like this?” ’cause it’s… you know, it’s really stupid, but I can’t ’cause I did a while ago at this theater, Madison Square Garden, heard of it? [cheering] No, it was a Chinese restaurant, but a nice one, you know? And it was like this, where, like, it was a theater, and I couldn’t see the people in the background, you know, and at the punchline, where you guys laughed, ’cause we’re having the best time of our lives tonight, right, guys? [cheering] Hit it, girls. [laughter] No, not you guys. I hired some women with guns to come in and blow everybody, but… [laughter] Hard to find good help here evidently, but… At the punchline where you guys laughed, nobody laughed, and instead of laughing, one person goes… [booing] [booing continues] Took a breath… -…ooo! -[laughter] You know how much hate that is to go back for a second “Oo”? That is just unbridled hate, you know, have you ever second-booed your entire life? Never. So, you know, as a veteran comedian I was like… I ignored him, you know, ’cause I’m tiny. [laughter] And I get out to the lobby area afterwards, probably… signing titties or whatever, and, uh… [laughter] [scattered cheering] No, no. Keep your titties in. You took too long. I get out to the lobby area and there’s this dude there… -No arms. -[crowd exclaims] Right? How do you think I felt? It was goose-egg on the arm front. And he comes up to me like, “Hey, man.” Actually, he was like, “Hey, man.” [laughter] “I was really offended by what you said up there.” And I’m like… [seething] “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. But now that I’ve got you here… how do you wave?” I don’t know how he waved. That guy punched with his feet, I’ll say that. I know a good way to get out of a fight. You guys can use this. Next time you’re about to get in a fight, just be a little masochistic and a little erotic, and you’ll pull it off. You gotta be able to take one punch, okay? So you take the punch. And then you go… [moans] [moaning] [inhales sharply] [moans] Mm. Hit me again, big daddy. [laughter] Oh, that hurts so good. Hit me in my no-no zones. That dude’ll be like… “Chad, Derek, get out of here.” [laughter] “I’m gonna fuck this dude.” That’s it from me. Thank you guys so much. You guys have been amazing. [cheering] [rock music playing] Thank you, guys. Cape me up, baby! [cheering] This is so stupid. Thank you guys so much! You guys really have been amazing! I love this place with all my heart! I love all you guys for coming out. Thank you. I love you. Goodnight! [cheering] [woman] You want a ham sandwich? [man] Yes! | [rock music playing] [indistinct chatter] Hey, man. How are you? [crowd cheering] Thank you. Let’s do this. [man] Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Devine! [loud cheering] Hey, how’s everybody doing? Thank you, thank you! Thank you! All right. Yeah! Thank you guys so much. Take a seat. Thank you, thank you. Oh, my, you guys got me jacked. [crowd whooping] I’m fully juiced for this thing. Man, I am, I’m so excited to be here. Thank you guys for having me. I’m gonna have a blast tonight. We all are. [crowd cheers] I’m so excited to be… I can’t get that excited, though, ’cause I’m an adult man now. [laughter] You know, you can’t get that excited. They will lock you up. [laughter] You can’t get little-kid-level, like, geeked, you know? [laughter] Remember when you were a kid and you would, like, open up a present, and you didn’t have the vocabulary to say, like, “Thank you so much, Mama.” [laughter] Or however you guys talked, I don’t know. I was kind of a weirdo. I said things like, “Yeah, Mama. Thank you so much, Mama.” You didn’t have the vocabulary to say that, so you just went like… [laughter] You cannot make that face as an adult. They will lock your ass up. [chuckles] You can’t do, like, adult-ass things like take your kid to school, drop them off, and be like, “Enjoy your lunch today. [laughter] [whispers] I made it myself! Ham and cheese!” They will have some questions about the quality of those meats, you know? I made that, like, little-kid-level excited face for, like, two months, as a child, I swear to you. My mom, uh, gave me a super bouncy ball for my birthday. You guys didn’t have poor parents? That’s cool. Uh… -[Adam chuckles] -[laughter] She gave me this bouncy ball, right? And for like two months straight, I was just in my driveway like… Snatched it in midair. [chuckles] That’s a phrase you only use in your youth. “Midair.” Nothing is midair as an adult. Everything as a child is like, “I caught it midair, Mom. It was soaring through the abyss, and I snatched midair. Midair, Mom, midair, midair, midair.” My mom’s like, “Jesus Christ.” [laughter] “Of course you caught it midair, honey. Because anything you catch in the air… [laughter] …would technically be midair. ‘Cause if you caught it on the ground, that’d be called picking it the fuck up, you idiot, you dumb little boy.” -[laughter] – But kids– What’s cool is that kids are still getting that level of geeked, you know, they’re still getting fully geeked, right? Like, I was in this elevator not too long ago, no big deal, and, uh… [chuckles] Fuck stairs! Who’s with me? -Stupid. Stupid. -[laughter] So I’m in this elevator, and I was having a crappy day, ’cause I’m an adult, right? So I’m wearing these boots, and they’re the shitty, asshole, adult fabric of suede. And it was raining outside. So I’m in this elevator, just defeated. I’m just like, “Oh, no, not my boots! Oh, my boots!” You know? I wasn’t verbalizing that, I’m not an idiot. [laughter] I’m not in an elevator alone going, “Boots!” [laughter] “No! Not my boots!” But I was thinking it, right? And… And so these kids come in, and they’re, like, 13, 14– That’s a weird age, right? Can we all agree that that is the worst age in the human existence? Because we’re like mutants at that age. You go from being, like, “Look at this cute little kid,” to having an 18-month period where you’re just a human Transformer, where you’re like… -[squeals] -[laughter] Ping, ping, ping! It’s confusing, right? It’s weird for girls, obviously. Obviously, you know? But it’s also weird for dudes. Remember how weird, like, eighth grade was? That was a confusing time, right? Remember as a guy, your voice would change suddenly just overnight, like, one day you’re like… [in high voice] “Wanna go play some kickball?” [in regular voice] And then the very next day, you’re like, “Fuck kickball, motherfucker!” [laughter] “I’m trying to get laid. Pass the Hennessy. [laughter] “Daddy’s trying to…” You guys… You guys remember middle school, right? Another… Another weird thing about being a 13, 14-year-old, for– as a guy, is like, a lot of people don’t realize this, but if you have a 13 or 14-year-old in your life, there is a 100% chance that their dick is hard 100% of the time. Constantly. And it’s not always sexual, you know? Sometimes, yeah, it is, you know. [chuckles] But not always. I remember one time, like, a gust of wind hit me just right. [laughter] Just a sexy, sexy gust, just… [laughter] Just someone slammed a car door. It was the month of August. I remember the heat coming off that car door. Just the… [imitates wind blowing] Just hit the nape of my neck just right. Just… [imitates wind] -And I was like… [screams] -[laughter] That was confusing, you know? I don’t know about you pervs, but I didn’t have sex at 13 or 14. Or 15 or 16 or 17 or most of 18, you know? [laughter] I’m a late bloomer. So suddenly, I just got an erection from the wind. That’s a confusing moment in a young man’s life. I was like… [laughter] “Do I want to fuck the wind?” [laughter] “Am I wind-sexual? What does this mean?” You know? “Wind-sexual,” so stupid. [chuckles] That could be, like… Everything’s so weird nowadays that that could be a real thing. Like if you saw on CNN, you’re like, “Wind-sexualism is sweeping the nation,” you’d be like, “Yeah, makes sense.” [chuckles] How weird– It’d be so weird and confusing to be like the dad of a 16-year-old boy right now, ’cause your son could legitimately come out to you and be like, “Dad, can I speak with you?” And you’re like, “You’re gay. And I’m perfectly okay with that. That’s fine for me.” And he goes, “No. Mm.” [laughter] “No, that’s weird that you put that on me. No, I’m not gay. But I am fully wind-sexual.” [laughter] And you would have to go, like, -“Yep.” -[laughter] “All right, let’s get the posterboard and markers out. We gotta march about this shit.” [laughter] “Between your sister wanting to piss standing up and you wanting to fuck the wind, we gotta march every goddamn weekend!” [laughter] “I remember when I took you to soccer practice. It’s okay.” There’s a ton of kids just on a bluff just trying to fuck the wind. [laughter, cheers] Trying to catch a good gust. [chuckles] “It’s El Niño season. We gotta get out there!” Stupid. What was I talking about? Weed, man, it’s legal in California. -[cheering] -Oh, you guys like weed? That’s cool. Yeah, these girls, they’re getting in the elevator, right? They’re coming in the elevator. They’re 13, 14. That’s a weird age for girls, ’cause girls grow so quick, right? That’s why you always see a pack of girls, they’ll be a bunch of little girls and then like one girl that’s, like, three and a half feet taller than them. She’s just… [squealing] You know? They always look like they’re, like– grew that far just that afternoon. Like, they grew three and a half feet, just like, “What’s happening?” [squealing] You know? That’s what was happening. She was gigantic, one girl that was coming in the elevator, she was, like, my size, like, 6’2″, 6’3″, you know? [laughter] [laughter continues] [chuckles] You can’t tell how big I am. I’m on stage, you know? So she comes in the elevator just all gigantic, and her friend comes in, and she has a mouth full of braces, you know, and she still looks like a little girl. You can tell she’s pissed her friend’s more developed, so she’s like, “Get in the fucking elevator, Becky.” [laughter] “Ooh, with your ‘new boobs.’ Complain about your back one more time, bitch.” Meanwhile, Becky’s like, “Everything hurts!” [screams] You know? And I’m in the elevator going, “Not my boots!” You know? But they were having the best time. The one little girl’s telling a story. She was like, “Oh, my God!” [laughter] “Oh, my God!” And her friend’s losing her mind, her friend’s like… [laughter] And I’m like, “Oh, shit. The youths are about to teach me something. This is gonna turn my whole shitty, adult-ass day right around.” And she goes, “We were running… We were running…” And I’m like, “Yeah? And then what happened?” And she goes, “We were running.” I’m like, “You said that, bitch, what’s up?” [laughter] And she goes, “And there was that puddle…” That was it, that was the end of her story. [laughter] Her friend lost her fucking mind. Her friend was like… [screaming] And I’m like, “Oh, shit, that right there is the difference between being an adult and being a child. Because as an adult, that story fucking sucked.” [laughter] That was a dog shit story. But as a child, that might have been elite-level storytelling for that crew. ‘Cause she wasrunning. There was that puddle. Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha. [laughter] Quite the epic adventure. I was also running. There was also that puddle. It ruined my fucking boots. [laughter] And it got me thinking, like, “Man. It’s so hard to have that level of a good time.” Like you guys tomorrow are going to go to work, and your friends are like, “How was the show?” You’re not gonna go like… [laughter] No one at home is gonna be like, “Yeah, you know what…” Your spouse or whoever comes in the room, and it’s like, “How was his stand-up special?” And you’re like… [laughter] It just won’t happen. Like, we’re adults, we’ve seen some shit. Some weird stuff’ll have to go down in order for us to lose our minds like that. Right? A ton of hot chicks would have to come running in with pistols drawn, like, “Freeze!” And we’re all like… [gasps] And they go, “Just kidding. We’re going to suck your dicks.” [laughter] And we’re all like… [laughter and applause] Stupid. Seeing some women’s faces over here, like, “That’s not the best time of my life. [laughter] That actually sounds like a fucking nightmare.” [laughter] Admittedly, that is a more dude-centric best time… of your life. That’d be pretty depressing, if you’re female, that’s where you peak. [laughter] That’s your best time of your life? You’re, like, on your deathbed talking to your kid. Your kid’s like, “Mom, like, when was the best time of your life?” You have a shitty kid. “Mom…” [laughter] “You’re dying, I guess? I dunno. Like, when was the best time of your life?” And you’re all old and shit, so you’re like, “Well…” [laughter] [chuckles] Why is that, you hit, like, 85 years old, no muscle control your mouth anymore, you’re like… “Sorry about this.” [laughter] [cheering] “I got… I got it. Well, I was at a comedy show. The little one from Workaholics and Pitch Perfect was onstage.” [loud cheering] “And other movies and TV shows, but I don’t want to go down the list. Halfway through the little guy’s set, a ton of hot chicks came running in, with pistols drawn, and started blowing your dad!” [laughter] “Best time of my life!” [laughter] Your kid’ll be like, “I’m pulling the plug. That’s just depressing. We didn’t march for that shit, Mom.” Stupid. The best would be watching every dude in here who’s on a date act like they’re not having the best time of their life. Be like, “Ah! What, babe? She’s got a gun!” [laughter] “We must listen to the assailants. Ah, no! Not the whole thing! What?” [laughter] “This is torture. No, no! Anything but the balls! Aah! No, don’t put a finger in…” [laughter] Stupid. [Adam laughs] That would be the conversation on the car ride home, too. It wouldn’t be like, “Oh, my God. We were just held up at gunpoint. That was insane. I saw my life flash before my eyes.” It wouldn’t be that at all. It’d be like, “Don’t put a finger in your ass?” [laughter] “What the fuck, Chad?” [laughter] Chad would be like, “What, babe, I saved your life.” [laughter] “I’m a hero, babe. I’d do it again. I don’t care. I would do it again.” He’s walking like that ’cause of the finger, you know. [laughter] That’s how stupid guys are, too, like, if it was Victoria Secret models that ran in here with guns, every dude in here would be like, “Let’s hear ’em out.” [laughter] [chuckles] “Possible blowjob situation might unfold.” Not me. I’m running. I’m a bitch. I know that about myself. I was recently in a bar fight. -I was in a bar, and… -[laughter] I’m not gonna lie to you guys. We have a rapport. I was in a bar, and a fight broke out. Man… I ran away so quickly. Like, aerodynamically fast. Like, head down, arms back, like… [screams] “Gotta get away!” [laughter] It sucks, ’cause I get recognized, you know? I can’t run away like a bitch anymore, like the good old days. I don’t want to be a meme the next day that just says, “Adam Devine, bitch made.” [laughter] You can’t run away from fights like you used to. Used to be able to get out of there. Now everyone has a phone connected to the internet on it. Right? Next time you’re at a bar and a fight breaks out, watch, there’s gonna be five dudes who are gonna act like they’re gonna join the fight and absolutely won’t. Like, a fight breaks out, and they’re like, “Oh, shit.” [laughter] Throwing kicks and punches from 35 feet away. [laughter] “I don’t know how none of those landed.” How come people that are about to start a fight suddenly lose their sense of hearing? You noticed this phenomenon? “What’d you say?” [laughter] “What the fuck d’you say? What’d you say? I can’t hear you. What’d you say?” That’d be a good way to get out of a fight, act like you’re deaf. Nobody’s gonna hit the deaf guy. You’re a fucking monster. He didn’t hear you. [laughter] You’re a piece of shit, you hit the deaf guy. You’re like, “Fuck this guy!” And he’s like, “I couldn’t hear you! I got a hearing aid, so I couldn’t hear you!” And you’re like, “Oh, shit.” [laughter] “Chad, Derek, let’s roll.” [laughter] “He couldn’t hear our qualms.” If you beat up a deaf guy, you definitely have two friends in your crew named Chad and Derek. ‘Cause those are the two worst white guy names. I hope there’s a Chad and Derek in here right now going, “What the fuck, bro?” [laughter] “Derek, you listening to this shit?” Derek’s like, “What’d you say?” And I’m like… [yelps] [laughter] [chuckles] How come when someone’s really loud, that’s not scary or intimidating, right? [whispers] It’s when they get quiet. That’s when it gets weird, right? You’re at a party, somebody bumps right into you, you spill a drink on yourself, you’re like, “Hey, man, fuck you.” And that guy goes, “No! Fuck you!” You’re not scared. You’re like, “Oh, he’s obviously a crankhead. I just won’t move.” [laughter] Crankheads are like T. rexes in that respect. He’ll be like, “Fuck you!” And you’re like… And he’s like, “…you…” [laughter] [Adam squeals] “Must find more crank!” You know? That’s the best T. rex impression you’re gonna hear tonight. [crowd cheering] It’s when they quiet, right? That’s when shit gets weird. Like, somebody bumps you, you’re like, “Hey, fuck you.” And that guy just goes… [shuddering] [wavering moan] [moaning continues] [whispers] “No.” [laughter] [whispers] “Fuck you.” You’re gonna be like, “Holy shit, grab your things. This guy’s gonna shank us. What is wrong with this man?” Stupid. Let’s get political, guys. Global warming, where do we stand? [laughter] Yeah. Fuck the coasts, right? Time for Omaha, Nebraska to get some beachfront property. Who’s with me? [cheering] I like how you guys all just applauded about mass death to half the… [chuckles] “Fuck it, let ’em drown.” Cool, guys. I can’t wait to go vacation somewhere tropical, like the Arctic. Just recline on my beach chair and slightly move my Corona to block the view of a polar bear drowning. [laughter] [screeching] [laughter] [whispers] Relax. [giggles] Stupid. Man, it’s so good to be here, guys. Thanks for coming out. [cheering] I put a lot of thought into this special, of what I’m gonna wear. I went with, uh, what I wear every day, so… Part of me wanted to wear a cape… just at the punchline so I could do shit like… [crowd whoops] I wanted to wear a cape so that, like, uh, when you guys are, like– you’re here and you’re like, “Man, he’s wearing a cape, that’s funny, he’s definitely gonna talk about the cape.” And then 20 minutes in, you’re like, “I guess he’s closing on the cape stuff?” [laughter] Then at the end of the show when you’re driving home, you’re like, “Fuck that guy, I hate him. He’s stupid. That was a fashion choice. I hate that man.” I actually did use to wear a cape, which is a little embarrassing, but whatever. There’s 2,500 of us, let’s get intimate. I used to wear a cape. I was, like, deep into magic as a kid, you know? [cheering] Yeah. [stammers] You know, I was 26 and deep into magic. [laughter] I was like seven years old and I was deep into magic. I didn’t know any, like, tricks or spells or whatever. I called them “ta-dahs?” ’cause I was an idiot. I didn’t know any ta-dahs. One of my big ta-dah would just be me putting earthworms on the sidewalk and being like, “How did they get there?” [laughter] “Ta-dah!” My friends are like, “You’re covered in mud. Obviously you dug them up. You’re horrible at this. Just wash your hands.” My other big ta-dah would be I’d leap out of the hallway closet and scare the shit out of my dad, while wearing a cape. But I did it every day. So he, like, knew it was coming. I’d be me at the top of the stairs going, “Papa…” I was a weird kid, remember? “Papa, I’ve fallen at the base of the stairs again. Right next to the hallway closet. Ah, help me.” And he’s like, “Jesus Christ.” [laughter] “She shouldn’t have drank when she had him.” [laughter] “We didn’t know, it was the ’80s, you know?” I’m hiding in the closet, he’d come around, he’s like, “Where are you?” It’d just be me leaping out of the closet, like, poof, “Ta-dah!” [panting] You know. ‘Cause I was a fat kid. [laughter] That was a lot of exertion for me. “Ta-dah!” [panting] That was right around the time that my dad told me that magic was for the gays. [laughter] Yeah, kind of a bigoted thing to say, right, guys? Oh, really? You guys don’t have bigoted dads here? [laughter] -Hmm! -[applause] Not buying it. [chuckles] My dad heard me say that, he was like, “I’m not a bigot.” I’m like, “Hm. Little bit, little bit you are.” [laughter] “Just a little bit.” He was like, “How could I be a bigot? I got a black friend at work.” [laughter] “Black Craig.” And I go… “Well, that is a bigoted thing to say. I’m sure Craig doesn’t like to be called ‘Black Craig.'” [laughter] “Doesn’t call you ‘White Dennis,’ you know? Just calls you the fucking asshole from work.” So I remember one time, like, as an adult, I look back at my youth, and I remember my dad being bigoted, but as a kid, I was like… I didn’t notice it, you know? And so we’re in this grocery store, and we see this dude who, as an adult I pegged as a pretty flamboyant gay man, right? But as a child, I’m like, “This guy looks like he knows how to dance.” [laughter] And my dad sees this same man, and he’s like… [groans in disgust] Like, butt cheeks just clenched. Like… [groans] And I’m like, “Whatever do you mean, Papa?” [laughter] And he goes, “Jesus.” First of all, my dad is the type of dude that thinks every gay man is, like, out to fuck him. You know? [laughter] And you guys don’t know what my dad looks like, but, uh… They’re not, you know? [laughter] Unless there into some very specific kinky shit. They’re like, “The rougher the hands, the better,” you know? Which I don’t think is the case. So my dad sees this man, he’s like, “Eee! Jesus Christ!” And he goes, “Look at this fairy over there.” Yeah. And I’m a seven-year-old boy. Who loves magic. [laughter] I hear the word “fairy” and lose my fucking mind. I’m like… [in high voice] “There’s a fairy over there?” [laughter] “Where? Sprinkle your pixie dust upon me, fairy. I want to fly.” [laughter] And my dad’s like, “Don’t let him sprinkle the pixie dust! Whatever you do, don’t let him sprinkle the pixie dust.” ‘Cause he thinks it’s… [laughter] …jizz, you know? [laughter] Stupid. [laughs] This is definitely a big enough crowd that there’s one person in here that read the poster wrong and thought Adam Levine from Maroon 5 was performing… [laughter] …stand-up comedy for the first time. I know that’s gonna happen on Netflix. Someone’s gonna be sitting at home going, “What the fuck is this?” [laughter] “He looks horrible.” [laughter] “Did he gain 40 pounds and lose 11 inches? He is atrocious looking.” But I’m assuming some of you guys know who I am from TV and movies and stuff. [crowd cheering] Thank you, man. It’s cool, man. I get recognized a lot, which is pretty fun for the most part. I get, like, free beer. That’s why my face is so squishy now. [laughter] That’s one of the main things. If I go to, like, a Sbarro’s Italian Eatery… It’s one of my favorite Italian eateries. There’s always a 16-year-old kid working behind the counter, going like, “Get the fuck out of here!” [laughter] “You can have whatever you want, bro. I will go to prison for this shit!” I’m like, “You don’t need to go to prison. I can… Actually, yeah, you might need to serve some time. Give it to me.” Meanwhile, if I go into a Jamba Juice, they’re like, “Get the fuck out of here. You broke up with Haley on Modern Family. You’re dead to us.” [laughter] “Bye-bye, bitch, no immunity boost for you.” But it’s weird getting recognized, ’cause no one’s ever cool when they recognize a celebrity. Everyone’s always like… [shrieks] “You’re the guy, the guy from the thing!” You know? And I’m– I’m no better. I ran into Will Smith at this party, and I don’t go to those parties very often, but, uh, I was at this party, and I’m looking for cocktail shrimp. And I’m like, “On the hunt for the cocktail shrimp. Mmm. Gotta get me some cocktail shrimp.” And just suddenly, it was just… Just ran into the top part of Will Smith’s dick. [laughter] And, man, I was not cool at all. In fact, I was the opposite of cool. I was kind of racist ’cause I went, “Morpheus!” [laughter] That’s not who he is at all. That is Laurence Fishburne, a completely different actor, but that’s how, like, geeked I was, you know? He was like, “Yeah, man, okay.” This is an impression of anyone when they recognize me. No one’s ever that cool. Yeah, t hat’s about my size. And… This is… Everybody’s always like, “Shit, is that that fucking guy? Is that that fucking guy right there? No, no, I’ll be cool, I’ll check it out.” [laughter] [sniffs loudly] [laughter] “It’s not him, he’s too fat.” [laughter and applause] “That is not him. That is not that man.” [crowd cheering] It’s weird getting recognized, man, it is. The first time it happened, it was like the scariest moment of my life, ’cause I didn’t expect it, you know? Like, uh, first of all, I didn’t get recognized right away like Blake from Workaholics. It was episode two or three, Blake got recognized ’cause he’s got that amazing head of hair, you know? Yeah, yeah, Ders got recognized ’cause he’s got those bodacious man titties. They’re nice. They are nice. My little troll ass, not one. I’m driving past local high schools, making eye contact with kids like… [laughter] “This ring any bells?” Nothing. Nothing. So when it finally happened, I was just like, “Yeah!” I was next-level geeked. and I was… It happened… I was at a stop light, you know? Which I stop at most times. Sometimes I don’t. I’m like, “Fuck it, kill ’em all.” But this time I stopped. And this dude comes walking past, and he’s like… He wasn’t walking like this, but he was cooler for the story. And he sees me and he just goes… Just dead inside. Just nothing happening behind the eyes, just like… [laughter] Like, I thought he was sent from the future to murder me. Like, Workaholics had ruined the youth of America, and this is the time traveler they’ve sent to end me. But he wasn’t a time traveler. He was a regular person, and he goes, “Adam!” [laughter] “Adam!” And I didn’t know what to do, you know, because… that’s my name, and so I was excited, and I didn’t know what to do, and I just did what came naturally to me, and evidently what comes naturally to me is the douchiest shit in the world because I went… [laughter] And then… Double backwards peace sign? That is elite-level douche maneuver. But then I literally said, “I’m getting recognized!” And then started driving a motorcycle. I’m sitting in my car and I went… [laughter] This man looked right at me and goes, “You got a tight butthole, man.” [laughter] “Your butthole is the tightest.” And he walked away, and I drove away feeling good. Just ego boosted. Until I realized he didn’t use it in the proper context. First of all, I’m seeing some Pitch Perfect fans in here -that are looking at me like, “Why is…” -[crowd cheering] Yeah. “Why is he screaming about buttholes?” Well, let me explain. On my show Workaholics, which we did for seven seasons on Comedy Central… [cheering] Thank you. Uh-oh. Went fishing for a compliment, caught one. And so on my show, when something is good or cool, it is… -[crowd] Tight butthole. -Tight butthole. And when it’s not cool or good it is… -[crowd] Loose butthole. -…loose butthole. I feel like a deranged 4th grade teacher. [laughter] Very good, class. Four gold buttholes. [laughter] Chad, Derek, you got that one right. “I know my buttholes.” Really boils down to I’m a nine-year-old who wrote his own TV show. I’m like, “Buttholes are funny.” [laughter] “Here’s the script.” “This is just sevens and question marks. We cannot use this.” “We’ll improv it. Buttholes.” You know. But this guy didn’t say it in the proper context, right? He didn’t say, “You’re being tight butthole,” or “You are tight butthole.” He screamed… in a busy intersection… “You got a tight butthole, man!” [laughter] “Your butthole is the tightest!” And I didn’t do anything to negate the fact that this man… knows the actual size… of my asshole. In fact, I went… [laughter] “I’m getting recognized.” I wish I could meet someone who was in that crosswalk that day who had just moved to Los Angeles, called their parents that night and was like, “Holy shit.” [laughter] “LA really is the most progressive city in America. The gays are just out here screaming about butthole sizes.” [laughter] Stupid. Pitch Perfect was a weird one for me, too, man, I swear to you, because as we’ve established, I’m a wee bit of a stoner. So… Yeah, weed, cool, all right. -Yeah, weed? All right. -[cheering] So I didn’t fully read the body of the email, I just read the subject line. It said “Pitch Perfect.” I’m like, “Cool, baseball movie. Put me in, coach.” [laughter] I showed up to this audition like a true asshole. I was in baseball pants doing stretches in the parking lot, practicing ground balls, just… I walk in the audition– I swear to you, I walk in the audition. There’s all these, like, cool-ass dudes. Hollywood is, like, a weird place, ’cause everyone’s, like, the better-looking version of you. They’re looking for a type, and you walk in and there’s a bunch of Taylor Lautner-looking motherfuckers. How come cool guys look like they had some shit thrown in their eyes? You know, they were totally normal when they walked in for the audition. They’re like, “Hey, what’s up? I’m here for the audition.” Poof! [laughter] “What’s up? I’m here for the audition or whatever.” That’s what was happening. There’s all these hot-ass dudes, and they’re singing. They’re all going… [humming] I’m like, “Good luck singing in the baseball movie, pussy.” [laughter] “I’ll be over here stretching.” [laughter] So I go in the audition room, and I did the audition, and it went really well, and they’re like, “What song did you prepare?” And at that point in my career, all I knew about Hollywood is that “No” holds a lot of power. If you say no, you hold all the power. So, “What song did you prepare?” And I’m like, “I didn’t prepare a song. Take it or leave it.” [laughter] And they go, “Leave it. Get the fuck out of here. Go away.” And I go, “I prepared a song.” [laughter] “That’s one of the many pranks I’ll be playing on the set of Pitch Perfect, the singing movie.” [laughter] They’re like, “So what song do you know that’s just on the radio so we know you can carry a tune?” And I’m like, “Yes, yes, yes, a radio hit. A current radio hit. Sure. Yes.” And then the only song I was able to summon was this one that was on the radio, which was… ♪ Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass Ass, ass, ass ♪ ♪ Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass Ass, ass, ass ♪ ♪ Bounce ♪ ♪ Motherfucker hammer time ♪ [laughter] Remember that classic from eight years ago? They were like, “Definitely not that song.” [laughter] “Definitely choose another song. Pick a song from your youth that you know a lot of the words to.” And I’m like, “Ah, shit. What song do I pick? I don’t know.” The only song that I was able to grab from the deep, wrinkly parts of my back brain was this hit, which was… ♪ Whatever happened to predictability ♪ ♪ The milkman, the paperboy Evening TV ♪ -[cheering] -Which is the Full House theme song. And that’s evidently exactly what they were looking for in the character of Bumper. [scatting end to Full House theme] -[crowd cheering] -[hums guitar riff] Stupid. [applause continues] I’ve been, um… I’ve been traveling all over, preparing to do this special, so I’ve been doing stand-up all over. I did a college a few weeks ago. There’s a sign language woman on the side of the stage ’cause there’s a deaf guy in the crowd. I don’t know what this is, but… What if this is sign language? What if there’s one deaf guy in the crowd going, “Say it again, motherfucker!” [laughter] “You talk about my mama one more time.” So I don’t know much sign language, right? But I did learn one word, and in case you guys are wondering the word “blowjob” in sign language… Exactly what you think it is. [laughter] What? I felt bad. This woman was like my mom’s age. She’s like a 60-year-old woman. She’s like… [deep sigh] [laughter and applause] I felt bad, man, but not bad enough not to add that word to my act 85 times. Didn’t even make any sense. I was just screaming it. I was like, “Blowjob! Blowjob! Blowjob!” [vocalizing] I’m like, “It’s a carousel of blowjobs.” She’s like, “What does that even mean?” [ululating] I’m like, “Why’re you tickling the balls, Carol?” [laughter] “That’s not part of the sign. What you doing after this, Carol? What’s good, girl?” [laughter] This is a good-looking crowd, guys. -Not all of you. Not all of you. -[cheering] There’s some uggos out there. All right, man, some days I look so ugly. Ever wake up and you’re just like, “Did I drink acid last night? What happened?” And I’ve got a squishy, gummy face. I’m gonna look hideous when I’m older. Like, I’m gonna look like a human Saint Bernard. Just like… [laughter] Just the droopy of skin. So, like, I was having one of those days a few weeks ago, and I walked past this window to get food with my friends, and I catch my reflection in this window, and I look at myself and I go, “You know what? You look like garbage. Time to give yourself a little ego boost.” So I looked at myself and go, “I would fuck that dude!” And I walked away feeling good, ego boosted, until I realized, I felt good about that exchange. The guy working at that Wells Fargo… [laughter] …felt pretty weird about that. This little troll motherfucker from Pitch Perfect waddles up to his window. “I would fuck that dude!” I hope it boosted his ego. I hope he’s like, “Yeah. You hear that, Sharon? He would fuck this dude. I know, I know. Not at work. Time’s up, I get it.” I have a girlfriend now. That’s a big thing in my life, guys. -Yeah. -[cheering] Yeah. It’s been four years, but, you know. I’m admitting it publicly now! [crowd whooping] [chuckling] Man, I hope we don’t break up. Yeah. [stammers] Like, guys have a hard time admitting that shit publicly. Girls will do it right away. You’ll be on like the third date and they’re like, “This my man. Back away, bitch, get the fuck away, bitch. This is my man.” Guys’ll be like a year and a half in and be like, “Oh, yeah. I know her.” [laughter] “Yeah, no. Yes. I’ve seen her around. She’s got that hair, right? Yeah.” Yeah. Then your friend calls you out. “Aren’t you living with her?” [laughter] And you’re like, “That’s where I’ve seen her around. Yeah. That’s right. The living room area. Correct. She does have that hair, though. That is true.” I– I– I will never break up with her, ever. Not that we won’t break up. I’m assuming she’ll break up with me, you know. And that’s what I want. I will never break up with a girl again, ever, never, never, ever. because if you’ve dated a girl for more than six months, all she’s doing is collecting horrific data on you, to crush you, just decimate you if you ever break her heart. I broke up with this girl once and I had to be cold with it, you know? I was like, “Hey, this is going nowhere. Just be cold, be strong, Adam.” So I’m like, “Hey, you know what? We’re done. I’m sorry, but it has to end now. I think we should see other people.” And without missing a beat, without missing one second, she goes, “You’re getting fat, you’re going bald, and your dick is whatever.” [laughter] [shouts] Yeah! Those are the three things I care about in my life. [laughter] Going bald, getting fat, and my dick being whatever? Whatever dick? So I looked right at her and go, “I am not…” [laughter] “…going bald.” [applause and cheering] Those other things are debatable. I’ll admit that. I had a girlfriend cheat on me once. Anybody have that? -[scattered applause] -Yeah, 2,000 people here, no one? Cool. You guys are like, “It might be your whatever dick. Think about that, maybe? Maybe that had something to do with it?” I cried in front of her. Oh, that is the most emasculating thing you could do. I– Why are you laughing? [laughter] Some mean bitch back there, like… [cackling] “We’ve caught another!” [cackling] I cried in front of her. That’s the most emasculating thing you can have happen to you. I didn’t allow her to see it, though, using the power of gravity. She was like, “I slept with someone else.” I’m like, “What’s that?” [laughter] “What do you mean, you slept with someone else? Explain yourself.” Just trying to wiggle the tears back in my tear ducts. How I found out is I walked into the room, and she was crying. That’s a bitch move. You don’t get to fuck someone else and keep all the boo-hoos. [laughter] All boo-hoos are mine in this scenario. I walk in the room, she’s like… “Mm-mm-mm… Mm-mm, no. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No.” You don’t know her, but this is a really good impression that I’m doing. “No. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.” I’m like, “What happened? Did one of the Pretty Little Liars die? You love that show. And she’s like… “Fine, fuck it.” [groans] [deep sigh] “I slept with Kevin.” And I’m an idiot, so I’m like, “What do you mean, you slept with Kevin? You slept near him when you guys went on that trip– business trip together?” And she’s like, “No, you fucking idiot, I fucked Kevin.” And I’m like, “Aah!” ‘Cause I know Kevin. Kevin’s nickname? Sweaty Kevin. [laughter] That’s not the guy you want to fuck your girl. You don’t want a guy with a nickname that starts with “Sweaty.” You don’t want Sweaty Kevin fucking her, you want Handsome Chris. Hemsworth. [laughter] If she fucked Chris Hemsworth, I would’ve proposed right then. “This shit’s real. Okay.” [laughter and applause] I would’ve told everyone for the rest of my life. I’d be like, “She fucked Chris Hemsworth. Now she’s fucking me!” [laughter] I would’ve told our kids. I would’ve been like, “Your mom fucked Chris Hemsworth. Now she’s fucking me!” And our kids would be like, “We know, Dad. We’re 6’4″ and blond.” [crowd cheering] [in Australian accent] “You’re delusional, mate. We’re Australian. What the fuck?” Stupid. I’m glad I have a girlfriend, mostly ’cause I can watch Netflix with someone, and not catch an STD. That’s it. Right? Like, being able to watch Ozark with someone and not have an itchy crotch. That’s the one-two punch of being in a relationship. STDs are terrifying, right? You guys disagree? That’s cool. You guys are like, “There’s some good ointments now, you can take care of most things.” STDs are scary, right? Not so much the S and the T, really. [laughter] Mostly the D. That’s the scary shit, right? Disease. Uh-uh. “Sexually transmitted” just sounds like some cool electronic band from Germany playing on the third stage of Coachella at 5:00 a.m., with some weird bangs, who’s like… [in German accent] “Hello… Ve are Sexually Transmitted.” [laughter] “Ja! Super. Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein!” You’re like, “These guys are good. They’re from Germany!” [laughter] “Can’t wait for song number ten!” Disease, that’s the scary shit, right? I think the best STD to have… Um… [clears throat] …would be the one I have. Know what I’m saying? No, Adam, ew. Ew! No. I think the best STD to have, hear me out, would be crabs… ‘Cause they sound delicious, right? [laughter] “I’ve got crabs.” Well, I have butter. Let’s have a feast! [laughter] Wait, that’s pubic lice? Never mind. I’ll leave the butter at home. You know what? I’m bringing the butter. Let’s party tonight. Why not? Stupid. Why is it whenever you’re at a party, whoever says they’re cool to drive is always the least coolest person to drive? Without fail. Like, if you drove somewhere, you should be able to drive home, right? It’s like saying, like, “I can tie my shoes.” If you come in a room and say, “I can tie my shoes,” everyone’s like, “Get this motherfucker some Velcro. He cannot handle the bunny ear situation on his tippy-toes.” You know? It’s always that person that passed out early at the party. If you took a nap at the party, you’re not driving anywhere. There’s no naps allowed at the party. It’s always on that decorative pillow your grandma gave you, with, like, the zippers and buttons. So when he wakes up, he looks like he got in a fucking knife fight in the 4th grade. He’s like… Comes in the room, you’re like… “Where’re you going?” [slurring] “Where you going?” Does that thing every drunk person does when they open their eyes way too wide to seem not drunk, but then they look like a serial killer. Where they’re like… “Where you going? I’m cool to drive.” You’re like, “No, you’re not, Chad.” [laughter] “I just saw you shadow boxing in the corner for 20 minutes. You just pissed in my laundry basket.” Keep saying things that don’t make any sense. “The bitch took my Skittles. The sour ones! I love the sour ones!” And you’re like, “I won’t let you drive, man. I’m a good friend. I won’t do that to you.” And then he’s like, “But we’re going to Taco Bell.” And you’re like, “Let’s go!” [cheering and applause] Why is that? Why is that, like, the only food in American society that we’re willing to die for? There’s no other food. If it’s 3:00 a.m. and everyone’s wasted, and your friend’s like, “Let’s go get some chicken parm!” You’re like, “Shut the fuck up, Larry.” [laughter] “I’m not gonna go eat chicken parmesan right now, you monster. No chicken parm right now, we’re wasted.” But if he’s like, “Beef and Bean Chalupa!” You’re like, “Slit my wrist right now. I will die for this shit. Cheesy Gordita Crunch? Give me the noose!” [cheering] I enjoy a party, guys, as you can tell by my extra neck fat. I do, man. It was just my birthday a few days ago, guys. -Yeah. -[cheering] Yeah, I just turned 35 years old. [cheering] Yeah, okay. Give it up for your mid-thirties, I guess. It’s a shitty age. ‘Cause I still party, but I’m friends with my friends from high school, who have real jobs. They have kids and mortgages and real lives, and I’m like, “Hey, what are we doing for my birthday?” And they’re like, “Your mid-week 35th-year-old birthday? Absolutely nothing, you Peter Pan motherfucker. [laughter] We’re not doing anything for your birthday. It’s Dalton’s soccer practice… the next morning.” I’m happy too, man, because my friends used to try to murder me on my birthdays. Twenty-one was the scariest day of my life. I feel like girls are nicer their friends on their birthdays. They’re like, “Fuck it, bitch, let’s do you, spa day, ah!” Not guys. Guys are like, “Are you ready to die tonight? You better call Mom and Dad, ’cause we’re taking you straight to Hell.” You know? My friends tried to murder me. They’re like, “21 shots, 21 minutes. Let’s do this.” I’m like, “Oh, that sounds dangerous.” [laughter] “But okay.” It’s always the grossest shots you ever want to take. It’s never anything you enjoy drinking. So it’s like, “Dude, it’s Cum in a Bathtub. Take it.” [laughter] “It’s a Gorilla Ass Fart. Take it, take it.” “This is just homeless piss in Tabasco sauce. We call it the Spicy Leon. Take it, take it.” Half hour later, I was curled in the fetal position, asking God for forgiveness. That’s when my friends decided to get me laid, too, which sounds like a good idea in theory. But my friends, I feel like most guys’ friends, secretly fucking hate me. So they got the biggest monster-truck, behemoth-Clydesdale mountain lady they could find, one with a mole with hair coming out of it that follows you around the room like Jesus’ eye in the painting in the spare room at Grandma’s house, so you can’t masturbate ’cause Jesus is staring at you. Know that painting? She put it up on purpose. She’s like, “Not in my house.” Like, “Finally, some alone time,” and Jesus is like… [laughter] They bring her to me. They’re like, “Hey, Adam, this is Denise. But we like to call her… [whispers] …Diesel. [laughter] She plays linebacker for the Rams. Enjoy.” And I did. [chuckles] My friends are stupid, too. My friends always ask me dumb questions. My one buddy comes up to me and he’s like, “Bro, bro. Seriously, would you suck a dick for a million dollars?” And I’m like, “Hmm… Why, do you know someone?” [laughter] A million dollars? That’s such an insane question. First of all, 80% of everyone in here would be driving a Maserati the next day. Like, “What, this? No, there’s a deal at the dealership. Check it out.” [laughter] [chuckles] I mean, what a dumb question to ask. It’s not like there’s some gay, eccentric billionaire out there with a cauldron of money. Just some creepy billionaire with just this cauldron who’s like, “Suck my dick! Suck my dick. Gather around boys, and tinier boys… to suck my dick.” There’s a line a mile long of straight dudes, like, “Fuck it.” [laughter] “Gotta pay off the student loans,” you know? Chad’s definitely calling Derek, like, “You hear about this shit?” “What’d you say?” And he’s like, “The blowjob thing.” And he’s like, “I’m wind-sexual. I’m off that.” [laughter] Stupid. I want to be rich. I’m a little rich. Thank you guys for coming. Thank you for watching. [applause] I’m not like super rich, though. I wanna be super rich. I’m the type of rich that I can, like walk into a Chipotle… like, any burrito shop and then order extra chicken. And then when they say, “That’ll be two more dollars,” I’m like, “I don’t give a fuck!” [laughter] I’m like, “Extra chicken for everyone in this bitch!” And they’re like, “That’ll be $64.” I’m like, “Extra chicken just for me!” That’s my level. I was actually able to do something cool with my money recently. When I was 18 years old, I wrote my parents a check for a million dollars, and then in the memo I wrote, “Cash it when you can.” Then this past Christmas I was actually able to go home and take that check and fucking destroy it, you know? [laughter] ‘Cause now I’m greedy. I got a little taste. ‘Cause I want to be, like, really rich. I want to be the type of rich I can have, like, real fun with my money. Right? Like to be able to go into a police station, say, “Hey, cops,” take a shit on the floor, then leave. [laughter] Just dropping wads of hundreds on the way out. They’re like, “I would arrest him, but this is too lucrative. I got bills to pay.” I wanna be so rich that I can, like, line my pockets with jewels, diamonds, rubies, emeralds alike. When a homeless person asks me for change, I say, “How about I change… your life!” [laughter] Stupid. You guys are good laughers. I appreciate it. Thank you for laughing. I’m always fearful that there’s one prankster in the crowd, that when you guys were coming in, went up to everyone like, “Hey, let’s just not laugh the whole time.” [laughter] “Let’s fuck with him, right?” You’re good laughers. Thank you. I hate when people, uh, like, laugh when they don’t mean it, ’cause we can always tell. Like, they think I need a little help, and they’re like… [forced laughter] “Mm-mm. Not for me. This butthole stuff’s disgusting. Mm-mm. Not for me. Not for me.” Laugh if you think it’s funny. Don’t if you don’t. That’s how it works. My least favorite thing is when a person finds it funny, doesn’t laugh, comments on the laughter. They say something like, “That’s funny.” [laughter] “That is funny.” Really? Then laugh, you piece of shit. [laughter] Laughter’s an uncontrollable thing, like screaming from pain. You don’t get in a car accident, come out missing your arm and be like… [seething] “Shucks, this hurts.” [laughter] “Shenanigans, I’m gonna have to get this checked out.” [Adam hums a tune] No, they’re like, “Aah! My fucking arm is missing! I’m missing my fucking arm!” Blood, blood, tears, angst. This is what angst looks like, by the way. Spirit fingers. Cheerleaders are always in angst. “The car wash didn’t make any money.” [laughter] “Billy didn’t talk to me. [whispers] I’m not gonna eat today.” [cheering] Hurkey! If you had no arms, would you wave like this? “I’m over here. Come this direction. Come this way. Chad! Derek!” [laughter] I want to stop doing that joke. “If you had no arms, would you wave like this?” ’cause it’s… you know, it’s really stupid, but I can’t ’cause I did a while ago at this theater, Madison Square Garden, heard of it? [cheering] No, it was a Chinese restaurant, but a nice one, you know? And it was like this, where, like, it was a theater, and I couldn’t see the people in the background, you know, and at the punchline, where you guys laughed, ’cause we’re having the best time of our lives tonight, right, guys? [cheering] Hit it, girls. [laughter] No, not you guys. I hired some women with guns to come in and blow everybody, but… [laughter] Hard to find good help here evidently, but… At the punchline where you guys laughed, nobody laughed, and instead of laughing, one person goes… [booing] [booing continues] Took a breath… -…ooo! -[laughter] You know how much hate that is to go back for a second “Oo”? That is just unbridled hate, you know, have you ever second-booed your entire life? Never. So, you know, as a veteran comedian I was like… I ignored him, you know, ’cause I’m tiny. [laughter] And I get out to the lobby area afterwards, probably… signing titties or whatever, and, uh… [laughter] [scattered cheering] No, no. Keep your titties in. You took too long. I get out to the lobby area and there’s this dude there… -No arms. -[crowd exclaims] Right? How do you think I felt? It was goose-egg on the arm front. And he comes up to me like, “Hey, man.” Actually, he was like, “Hey, man.” [laughter] “I was really offended by what you said up there.” And I’m like… [seething] “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. But now that I’ve got you here… how do you wave?” I don’t know how he waved. That guy punched with his feet, I’ll say that. I know a good way to get out of a fight. You guys can use this. Next time you’re about to get in a fight, just be a little masochistic and a little erotic, and you’ll pull it off. You gotta be able to take one punch, okay? So you take the punch. And then you go… [moans] [moaning] [inhales sharply] [moans] Mm. Hit me again, big daddy. [laughter] Oh, that hurts so good. Hit me in my no-no zones. That dude’ll be like… “Chad, Derek, get out of here.” [laughter] “I’m gonna fuck this dude.” That’s it from me. Thank you guys so much. You guys have been amazing. [cheering] [rock music playing] Thank you, guys. Cape me up, baby! [cheering] This is so stupid. Thank you guys so much! You guys really have been amazing! I love this place with all my heart! I love all you guys for coming out. Thank you. I love you. Goodnight! [cheering] [woman] You want a ham sandwich? [man] Yes! |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-bridges-whole-different-story-transcript/ | Kevin Bridges: A Whole Different Story (2015) | Transcript | kevin bridges | In a lively performance at Glasgow’s Hydro, comedian Kevin Bridges delights his hometown audience with a mix of observational humor and personal anecdotes, highlighting the absurdities of everyday life. Bridges compares his 16-night run to One Direction’s two, humorously addressing his own popularity. He touches on the effort it takes to organize a night out, the nuances of interactions with the audience, and the evolution of friendships and life stages. Bridges delves into the bizarre aftermath of a night out, the complexities of drug use, cultural differences, and the quirks of Scottish identity, politics, and economics with a mix of wit and satire. His narrative spans from personal growth and societal observations to the challenges of modern technology and the internet’s impact on social interactions, culminating in a reflection on cultural and family dynamics, showcasing his sharp humor and deep connection to his Scottish roots. * * * Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges! [Applause] Yes, thank you, Glasgow! Saturday Night, Glasgow. Thank you. Yes, welcome. Welcome along. The Hydro. Wow. Nice place. 16 nights I’m doing here. 16. Thank you, good people, for that. 16. One Direction only doing two. I’m doing 16. I’ll get Harry Styles on the phone. “All right, Kev, any chance you can tap us a score?” It is DVD night. Looking well. Everybody looking resplendent. Need to look your best. Christmas Day, sitting watching it, pausing it, trying to find yourself. There’s big Gordon from next door. Who is that he’s sitting beside? That’s not Stacey. Big Gordo, the shagger. Well done for coming to something. Well done. Good for you. It’s difficult coming to something. I don’t underestimate for a second the challenges involved. It’s a lot of effort. Have to take the time to show our appreciation for the heroes, the unsung heroes, people amongst you who organise these nights. People who know when shit goes on sale. People who sit on Ticketmaster. “Page cannot be displayed.” “Server timed out.” The people who composed that original group text. Assembling the troops. The people who dared to dream that a night out could be possible. Sitting, dealing with people’s replies trickling in, sucking out their enthusiasm. “Kevin Bridges? What night is it? Where is it? How much is it? What time does it start? What time does it finish? Who else is going?” “Who else is going?” What a fucking snide enquiry. That’s when the organiser’s faced with the internal politics of the social circle. The night out needs a big name to confirm. A headline act, an A-lister pal. A crackpot. Disco. Risor. Gnasher. Somebody that can turn your night out into four nights out. “It’s only me and Scobbie going so far. I know he’s a wee prick, but he’ll drive.” Welcome along, front row. How are we doing? You all right? Looking good. How are you doing, sir? You all right, mate? You can reply, mate. It’s live, it’s not on the fucking telly yet. We’re only making a DVD. It’s not actually… His face… “That 3D telly is a fucking beauty.” Good man. What is your name, sir? You’re not telling me? All right, that’s good. What’s his name, mate? Fucking grass him in since he’s not telling me. Johnny. Johnny? Johnny. You settling for that, Johnny? It’s only a comedy show, Johnny. You’re not getting booked by the police. It’s just a wee… Camera right on Johnny there. That’s it, mate. You make him feel like shit for that. There we go, that’s Johnny, everybody. Tell your name to the camera. Johnny. [Cheering] Good man. Welcome along. I like a night out. I’m getting to that age. I’m growing up. I’ve got mates getting married, and having children. This is new to me. My life is changing. You don’t get a night out as often. The weekend is no longer an excuse in itself. I don’t get a night out, it’s rare. But when they happen, it’s a rollover and they go on far too long. I don’t think anybody can party like the newly-married man, the new father. I hear One Direction singing, ♪ I’m gonna go crazy, crazy, crazy. Until they see the sun. And singing ♪ Gonna party… Until six in the morning. All these parties that have got scheduled end times. That is not what happens when your mates start getting married and having children and you get a night out, they go on far too fucking long. People do not want to go back… .. to the life that they are creating for themselves. Mayhem ensues at the suggestion of a six-in-the-morning curfew. “Do you want to call it a night?” “Fuck, man, one more hour this bar is open. We’ll go and get cans.” The adult empty, it’s a bleak affair. The empty, ten years on. Some paranoid wreck walking through your living room looking for a Nokia charger. “17 missed calls? I’d better fucking text her.” Highlights of a game of FIFA on the PlayStation that was finished about three hours ago still playing. Two guys snorting cocaine talking about a fight they had in primary school. “I’m fucking glad we sorted that tonight.” “Yeah, I know, mate. I was out of order at that playtime. I was out of order.” 35-year-old guy still using expressions like “playtime”. “It was me who was out of order. I was the one that kept throwing fizzy cola bottles at you. I knew you had to be seen to be doing something about that, mate. I understand. You didn’t need to call us a wee elba. That was out of order on your part. It’s six in the morning. Nokia guy arguing with his missus by text. “I told you I was having a mad one.” His only justification for having a mad one, he fucking told her… he was having a mad one. Then staying on the offensive. “I thought you were going to your mum’s to watch Strictly anyway.” “It’s fucking six o’clock in the morning, Ryan.” “How the fuck am I supposed to know what time Strictly finishes?” Then looking at the telly. Looking at the PlayStation, thinking it’s fucking Sky Sports. “When did Motherwell beat Columbia? That’s fucking some result. Columbia had their full team playing, aye. I wish I’d stuck money on that. Seven red cards? Was there a bit of needle between them two? ♪ Six in the morning. It’s tough watching guys grow up against their will. Watching somebody going through an old VHS case that’s been used as a joint-rolling station for years. Raking through the paraphernalia trying to find something smokeable. “There’s a bit of green in there. I’ll press my finger on that. There’s plenty here, gentlemen. The night is but young. Bit of green stuff. Tobacco. Scrape that in. Hairs. “There’s always hairs in the rolling tray. I’ll put the pubes in. Who gives a fuck?” Lying there in emotional purgatory trying to get a knackered disposable lighter to work, the only lighter in the party. Doing big, long flicks. “Come on, you piece of shit.” Eventually, get a bit of blue flame. And going, “Yes!” And the “s” blows it straight back out again. It’s hard to watch a married man lighting a pube joint off the toaster. Do you take drugs, Johnny? There’s a cameraman. That’s it. You hinder his future employment prospects.. I’m only joking. I don’t take… I used to smoke weed, Johnny. I got busted. I got caught. We were having fajitas one Sunday as a family and I rolled a fucking belter. And it aroused far too much suspicion. From that day forward, I was under surveillance. I was evident I had obtained these skills elsewhere no doubt through illicit activity, as this was the first time we had ever sampled Mexican cuisine as a family. I’ll take the back seat letting everybody else go first. They are putting together these big abominations, big, baggy, reckless bastards. Salsa bombers going down their t-shirts. I’m biding my time just surveying the devastation at the table, the mess. My own family, a disgrace to the art of rolling. Then I stepped up, saying, “Pass me the skins… eh, the tortillas.” I took three tortillas out of the packet. There’s the hash smokers in there. “Are you having three fajitas, Kevin?” “No, Gran, I’m gonna stick these together with some guacamole. Don’t worry, Gran, you’ll get a pass. And don’t hog it. I know what you’re like. And don’t get it all wet at the end.” Putting the grated cheese right across my set-up there. You got a grinder…? Don’t say grinder, shut up. Rolled it up. Tucked it right in. Asking my gran to take off her crucifix so I could just stuff a bit down at the end there. Just about stopped myself before I ripped a bit of cardboard off the old El Paso box. ♪ Six in the morning Where are you from, Johnny? Airdrie? Airdrie. Good to see. He’s got a wee fan club there. Quite a lot of people. People booing Airdrie obviously. Coatbridge? Coatbridge. Airdrie. Anybody not from Scotland? Anybody come from further afield than Airdrie? Which is a pretty depressing question to ask. South Africa! South Africa? “All right, my lady.” “My lady.” I only know that… I just know South Africa for all the wrong reasons. The Pistorius trial, that’s all I’ve got for you. That was a great holiday watching the murder trial. “Oh, my lady, I didn’t know it was Reeva, my lady.” If only that had made it to South Africa. “Duh,” when somebody was talking shite. That’s what that trial needed, the whole jury… “Oh, my lady, I didn’t know it was her.” Duh! Welcome, welcome. That was good. They should have got him steaming. That’s how you get the truth out of any man. Get him fucking hammered. That is a lie detector in court. Get a few cans in him. Let him start unwinding a bit. Then get him on the shots, then get him where he’s lighting his fag but he’s talking that much shite, his fag keeps going out. He’s hammered. “All right, I’ll fucking tell you what happened. I was busting for a shite. And she was taking fucking ages. I was touching cloth, my lady, and I panicked.” South Africa. Anybody not from Scotland, where have I got? Where are you from? Detroit? Detroit. No fucking shit, man. – Detroit? Genuine? What is your name? – Jennifer! Jennifer? From Detroit. How long have you been in Glasgow, Jennifer? – A decade. – A decade? That’s ten year in Glasgow talk. Ten year, you say. None of that “decade” shite. You would fail your citizenship test on that, Jennifer. Ten year. You don’t say “years”. None of that plural pish either. Ten year. You get a very honest game of Scrabble in Glasgow. “Years?” He’s not getting five for that. No chance. Detroit? No fucking way, man. Scotland, we are on the map. We attract tourists. People give a fuck about Scotland these days. We got put on the map. Especially last year. We had the civil war, didn’t we, Scotland? People asked… I had an American in a pub in New York asking me about that. About the big vote we had. It was difficult to explain. The guy is going, “Hey, man, are you from Scotland?” I said, “Yes.” I was gonna say “Aye” but I translated. I said, yes. I’d been on the Rosetta Stone prior to the trip. And the guy goes, “What the fuck happened over there, man, in Scotland? Who would have thought Scotland would vote against freedom? Like, what the fuck?” “It was a bit more complicated than that, pal.” And he was going, “What about William Wallace and Robert the Bruce? You guys fucking said, no?” “Aye, we thought Asda were gonna put their prices up.” “We’re a proud people, pal, but I don’t know how much we’re prepared to pay for crispy pancakes.” It was a crazy time in Scotland, that left us questioning our whole identity. Even I’m looking at Scottish money, “No wonder the English don’t accept this shite. Who is that guy?” “It’s not the fucking Queen, mate.” “I know it’s not the Queen, mate. I don’t know who it is. Just some guy. Clydesdale Bank’s employee of the month or something. Just be happy for the wee guy. Picture him at a house party. Six in the morning. Showing his pals his note. “I’m on the note.” Rolling it up, snorting coke through it. “Look at me now, Ma, I’m a tenner.” We all got into it, didn’t we, politics? We’ve got a whole country that could resit higher modern studies. It’s good, it’s an education. Sitting on Facebook posting links to articles you’ve not even read yet. That was us. People threatening to leave the country. Michelle Mone, she left, didn’t she? Michelle Mone. Somebody needs to sit her down. “Michelle… Mone.” Mone Michelle. Mone. Mone to fuck, Michelle. Are you a political man, Johnny? Nah? You don’t give a shit. I watch it. I like the politics. I’ve started buying the big papers. I never knew the big papers were as expensive. I thought it’d be the same price. Standing in the queue at the newsagent with my pound coin making plans for the change. “£1.80.” “Fuck. Do you take cards, mate?” “Only if it’s over a fiver.” “All right, a Daily Telegraph and 16 packets of Hubba Bubba, mate.” I watch it. The Tories, that’s who we’ve got, reducing the deficit. The economy, that is what is going on. Austerity Britain. Making cuts. [Audience boos] I watch ’em. [English accent] David Cameron. “We must work together to reduce the deficit.” That is what is going on. Reducing the deficit. I read about the deficit. Do you know about the deficit, big guy? Britain’s debt, £1.5 trillion. That is how much the UK owes somebody. £1.5 trillion. I dunno who the fuck we owe that to, but… Surely they’ve gave up on it? Surely… Surely when it hit the trillion mark, they must have been having their doubts about ever seeing it back. I’ve enjoyed Greece. I like their attitude. That is how you treat debt. [Audience cheers] Having a great time. It’s got to the end. Everybody is on their case, the IMF, the EU. They are just telling them to go and fuck themselves. Well done, Greece. Angela Merkel on the phone going fucking mental. Greece have just got her on loudspeaker, just laughing at her. Sitting drinking bottles of ouzo, letting her shout at them. [German accent] “You must make the repayment now!” “240 billion euros.” Going through their books on Greek philosophy, trying to quote their way out of the mess. Angela, as Socrates says, “He is richest who is content with least.” That is a fucking beauty, man. Any more? Or as Epicurus said, “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, Angela.” “Here, let me talk to her.” Or as Plato says, “You’re not getting it, you fucking cow.” Good on them. Everybody knows somebody like Greece. I’ve got mates like Greece. They are likeable, but you don’t lend them money unless you’re prepared to deal with the shite when you try and get it back. They are saying that, Johnny, Greece actually accused Germany of owing Greece 279 billion euros because of the Nazi occupation in the 1940s. Fucking classic tactics. “Oh, we were not gonna mention it, Angela, but since you are chasing us up…” We are paying it back, £1.5 trillion, that is the plan. Reduce the deficit. The deficit means you spend too much money. Don’t bring enough money in. Tory solution, make cuts. I think we just need to start making some more fucking money. All these billionaire psychos putting their taxes into the Cayman Islands. They tell you that as if the money is irretrievable. Fucking invade the Cayman Islands. Get it back. What the fuck are the Cayman Islands gonna do about it? Instead of going after disabled people and fucking single parents. That takes balls. That takes balls, George Osborne, Ian Duncan Smith… ..looking through disabled people’s doors, “This is your fucking fault, mate, you. We could go after tax-avoiding multinationals. We could go after Vodafone, Starbucks, Amazon, Google, Gary Barlow, but it is your fucking fault. You.” “You’re going back to work, mate. We don’t give a fuck how disabled you are. Oh, you’re paralysed from the neck down. We don’t give a fuck, mate. There will be a farm out there looking for a scarecrow. Fucking go to the farm.” Got people checking for the offside flag on that joke there. Maybe an extreme example, but that’s… That is their ideal world, cutting benefits, and people fall for it. People believe it. Moaning, you see them on Facebook. You discover through Facebook you hate your own fucking aunties. Aye. Reading their shite. “I have worked… I have worked my whole life and I’ve worked two jobs since I’ve been 12 years old and I think it’s a disgrace that these people are sitting on their fat arses… They are spending their dole cheques on alcohol and cigarettes. It’s a downright disgrace. You’re missing the point, man. They are spending it on alcohol and cigarettes, highly taxable goods. The country is getting it back. These people are reinvesting. These people are the heroes in this mess. It’s not poor people spending, it’s fucking rich people saving, that is the problem. The money is there, just need to give it to people that will fucking spend it. I would put the dole up. I would make the dole a grand a week. That is how you kick-start an economy. Every bit of it would get spent. You can see it on Black Friday, poor people. Imagine them on £1,000 a week. The country would be fucking bouncing. Not one penny going offshore or into your savings account. “Let’s get fucking tattoos, man.” People arriving at the job centre in taxis to sign on. “Just keep your meter running, my man. I’ll be five minutes.” “That is the dole up to a grand a week, Denise. Do you still want your tits done?” “Aye, we’ll get the hot tub. Fuck it, why not?” Grand a week. I’ve made a bit of dosh, thanks to you people. I have fucking moved on. I’ve made some cash. I’m on the property ladder. That’s what I done, I bought a house off a neurologist. That builds an inferiority complex. I’m showing up to buy his gaff in a fucking Super Dry hoodie. Guy is giving me the tour. Showing me his PhD. “That’s nice, mate.” We’ll get that down and get that painting of dogs playing poker up there. I grew up in a council house. I grew up in Clydebank. A lot of people know that. Famous place. Famous for Wet Wet Wet… Marti Pellow, He’s the only guy who ever left Clydebank to become a heroin addict. But I’m in the West End. I’m in the nice bit, in the city. I’m living. I’m living with the great and the good. It’s where I live. I’ve been there for a few years. But it’s never quite become my bit. I mean… you’ve got where you stay and you’ve got your bit. Eh? That make sense? There is where you live and there is your bit. It’s not… I don’t know if it will ever become my bit. I see the kids whose bit it is. – I hear them shouting on each other. – “Sebastian.” “Sebastian, we’re over here. Sebastian.” I hear a name like Sebastian, I’m hoping to look up and see a dalmatian. Not this wee fucking git. Sebastian making his grand entrance with his purple blazer on. His perm wafting in the wind. A cello on his back. They call me “Mr Bridges,” the kids in my street. I don’t feel intimidated phys… I feel intellectually intimidated by the gangs of youth in my street. “Mr Bridges, how are we? How are we, Mr Bridges? The family and I sat down to one of your performances on the television over the festive period, Mr Bridges.” “A tad coarse in places.” “However, I would be lying if I said I didn’t allow myself a chuckle, Mr Bridges.” A wee guy. I’m out of my fucking depth, trying to talk to him! I’m having to raise my game to talk to a ten-year-old. I can’t have a normal, older-guy-to-a-wee-guy conversation. Who’s the best fighter in your school, then, Sebastian? “I’m the chair of the school debating team, Mr Bridges. There have been a few heated exchanges, but we’ve not quite come to blows… yet.” His wee pal’s beside him. Fucking deseeding a pomegranate with his fruit knife. I still wear trainers and stuff. I never knew that was frowned upon, wearing sports gear. Unless you’re off to participate in a sporting activity. I still wear shorts and trainers, any excuse. I’ve got a neighbour who always looks at me, always looking me up and down. “Off to the gym, Kevin? Off to the gym?” I said, “Mate, why do you always ask me if I’m off to the gym?” “It was just when I seen your trainers and sports top. Off to the gym, no?” No. I’m off to the garage to buy a Wispa, mate. It’s not a fucking black-tie event, mate. I try and blend in. I’m quite a friendly guy. I’ve got a dog, for example. That’s how you get to know your new neighbours. You become part of your local dogging community. I got a dog. That’s your buddy. I got a dog. In the park, dogs are there. Other dogs come over and start to play with your dog. You pat the other dog and you get talking to the owner. Quite a sociable experience. I’m in the park, my dog’s there. Another dog came over, began to play with my dog, began sniffing my dog’s arse. Sniffing away. Having a fucking great time. I’m patting the other dog and I says to him, “Who’s this?” That’s dog walker talk for, “What is your dog’s name?” That’s how you strike up a bit of chat. I said, “Who’s this?” And the guys goes, “This here is Diego.” I thought, “Naming the dog after Diego Maradona, mate. “That will explain the sniffing, then, right?” I thought that was the ideal thing to say. Fucking hilarious, I’ve got a voice in my head, going, “Superb, Kev.” “An exemplary piece of patter. This will be your bit in no time, Kev. I’m asking his dog for the paw of God, thinking this guy’s is going to spread the word. “Yeah, I met Kevin Bridges in the park. The guy’s funny as fuck, even off duty.” “The man’s a scream.” But the guy says, “No, the dog’s not named after Diego Maradona. We named him after Diego Rivera, the post-Impressionist, 19th-century, Mexican, protest painter.” This was a game changer. I had fucking nothing for the guy. Wow. I looked him right in the eye. “I cannot believe you’ve just done that to me, mate. I don’t know what to say. I’ve never felt so homesick.” A voice in my head going, “This is not your bit, Kev, go home. You don’t belong here. You’re a fucking fraud. The sniffing patter, that might cut it down your bit. This is the upper echelons of society. You think you’re going to get away with that up here? Even his dog is looking at your dog as if my da just fucking clamped your da.” And he just carried on with his day. And I’m left on my phone, having to Google this arsehole. Under pressure. Another fucking thing I do not know has just been exposed. I’m on Wikipedia reading about this guy. “Diego Rivera was a Mexican painter known for his large wall works in the style of fresco.” I don’t know what that means. Let’s go back to the start, Kevin. Let’s concentrate. Learning is fun. Come on. This is the kind of shit you need to know to hold conversations up in this park. “Diego Rivera was a Mexican…!” You know what a Mexican is – Tequila, sombreros… Remember that big fajita? Remember that big blunt you rolled? Mexicans would love you, Kev. “Mexican painter…” You know what a painter is. You’re Uncle Kenny’s a painter. Remember Uncle Kenny? He used to always sneak you and your cousins a can at Christmas, remember?” “Uncle Kenny, how come Auntie Denise lives in New Zealand?” “Drink your fucking can, son.” Remember Uncle Kenny? “Known for his large wall works in the style of fresco.” I don’t know what “fresco” means? But Fresco is highlighted in blue, meaning it’s got its own Wikipedia page. Why not make an afternoon out of it? I click on that line. I’ve not even made it through the opening sentence of Diego Rivera’s Wikipedia page and I’m on another Wikipedia page, reading about fresco. “Fresco is a technique of mural painting “executed upon wet or freshly-laid lime plaster.” I don’t know what lime plaster is, but that is also highlighted in blue. “Click on that one, Kevin. Is there anything that you do fucking know, Kev?” “Lime plaster is a type of plaster composed of hydrated lime, water and sand. “Lime plaster is different from -” Why are you reading this, Kevin? You’re supposed to be reading about Diego Rivera. Remember why you came here. You went to fresco, now you’re onto lime plaster. You’ve got fucking ADD. I’m Googling, “Have I got Attention Deficit Disorder?” I’m taking the University of Maryland’s six short questions to determine if I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I’m about to diagnose myself with a mental health condition because of this fucking phone, this tadger and his wee shitey dog. Even my dog is looking at me, as if, “Get over it, Kev. Hurry up and throw that tennis ball.” Give me a minute, Annie. I’m not well. I’m mentally ill. Please be patient. I need your support just now, dog. Taking the test. The University of Maryland’s six short questions to determine if I have Attention Deficit Disorder. “Do you sometimes struggle with the final parts of a project “once the challenging parts have been finalised? All of the time; most of the time; some of… Ten celebrities you didn’t know were gay.” Don’t give in, Kevin. Don’t click on it. Don’t fucking click on it. Don’t… “14 reasons you’re always tired.” I’m always tired. I think I might have that chronic fatigue syndrome. Fucking finish the ADD test. How the fuck can I finish the ADD test if I’ve got ADD? I went back. I read about Rivera. I got tooled up on this guy. Educated myself. “Diego Rivera was born in 1886. Rivera began painting at the age of three years old, a year after the death of his twin brother. Rivera would paint on his bedroom walls. His parents, rather than chastising him, installed chalkboards and canvas on the walls to encourage his gift. At the age of just ten years old, Rivera was accepted into the San Carlos Academy of Fine Art in Mexico City, where he studied until 1907 before moving to Europe, where he became friends with Pablo Picasso.” I’ve got fucking shit loads… [Applause] Off to the gym. I’ve lost a bit of weight. I don’t know if anybody noticed that. Lost a bit. People worry about you in this city when you lose weight. I had a guy shout, “For fuck’s sake, Kev, have you got AIDS?” Which is… just a local way of saying, “Looking sharp, Kev. You’ve been working it.” I’ve got a jaw. Look at that. I’ve never had a fucking jaw in my life. I’ve always been fat. I was fat my whole life, right through school. This has been a long time coming. I was 18 stone when I was 18. I was fat. At school, that was tough. Sitting in a plastic chair at school at the end of every class, knowing that there was going to be a sea of sweat that’s been separating the two hemispheres of your arse. Sitting beside the lassie that you fancied, having to do that slide, trying to wipe it as you’re getting up. It was tough. I was fat at school. I was the first in my class to get tits. It’s hard. Going swimming on a school trip. “No. I’ll just keep my t-shirt on. The water’s dead cold. I’m all right, I’ll swim with my t-shirt on.” I went to a guy. 18, that’s when I first addressed the problem. 18 stone. I went to the gym. A real gym. You know, the big, proper gym guys. The real fucking big tanks. This new breed of man that you get. You know, the big mammals, the big protein bastards. With the big beard, covered in tattoos. Did I create you in a PlayStation game? The big guys. You work in the Carphone Warehouse, but they’re training for the apocalypse. Convinced their best mate’s shagging their missus and they’re training for the day they can finally prove it. And that’s what puts fat people off the gym. These guys take it too far. “Only God can judge me.” I’m standing here judging you, you big fucking bell end. I went to the guy and said, “Look, mate, I’m trying to lose a bit of weight.” The guy goes, “It’s all about nutrition. It’s all about nutrition. Do whatever you want in here, but it’s all about nutrition.” You can’t out-train a bad diet.” And he asked me what I had for breakfast. “What did you have for breakfast this morning?” Instantly, I’m thinking I’d better say something that I never had for breakfast this morning. Make a good impression by this big fucking mammal. I said, “Oh, I had fruit, mate. A bowl of fruit. The guy’s going, “Fruit in the morning, that’s got to go. Fruit in the morning, very high in sugar, you need to lose that.” I’m like, “Fruit, mate. That’s bad for you now, fucking fruit. Fruit. I never had a bowl of fruit, but as far as you’re aware I did have a bowl of fruit. So I should be commended. I had a fucking Terry’s Chocolate Orange, mate.” “You’ve no idea how low I would stoop for breakfast. Cold peshwari naan with Nutella on it. I’ve been there, mate. And you’re on my case about fucking fruit!” “I used to have four raspberry ice poles and a Wham bar for breakfast “at half-past eight every morning for six years. And a roll on sausage at half-past ten. A pizza crunch and chips at 12 o’clock, a can of Coke and then fucking Astro Belts on the way home. Fucking fizzy cola bottles, Bikers, Johnny’s Onion Rings, everything. [Audience cheering] Then you get home for Crispy Pancakes, oven chips, potato waffles, croquettes. “Yellow, mate. That was the only colour I would eat – yellow.” “And you’re on my case about fruit.” I never said that cos the guy would punch fuck out of me, but I was thinking that. I said, “All right, I’ll cut out the fruit.” The guy gave me a diary to fill in. A food diary, that’s a step too far. Submitting handwritten lies to somebody. He’s telling me all these foods to cut out. “Carbohydrates – you shouldn’t eat this shit. Eat this sort of stuff.” I’m filling in my food diary. On the Internet, reading about superfoods. Trying to impress the big man. Monday morning, I had avocado. Avocado. Hey, what the fuck’s avocado, in case this guy asks me? You have it on toast? He’ll go off his head if I say toast. I’ll just say I had avocado. How many? How many? Five? Five avocado. Fuck it, I’ll put ten. Ten avocado. Show the guy I’m serious about it. Ten avocado. Monday morning – breakfast. Then I had almonds and blueberries and beetroot. Beetroot, that’s a super food, isn’t it? A jar of beetroot, mate. Got a spoon, rattled the lot. Mm! Then I had quinoa. Quinoa. Am I saying that right? Quinoa? What the fuck is quinoa? Quinoa? What the fuck is that? Click on images. It’s a powder. Snorted a couple of lines of quinoa. And then I had oily fish and I really felt it reducing my risk of Alzheimer’s. And the guy’s gone, “This is great. Kev. Is this the truth?” I said, “No, mate. The truth would break your fucking heart. I’ll tell you the truth.” “I lasted two meals without carbohydrates and I thought I was going fucking insane.” “I’ve never felt so angry. I had to get off the couch and just lie on the floor, staring at the ceiling, trying to take myself to a happier place, fantasising about carbohydrates. I never knew what a carbohydrate was until you told me to cut them out. And then you grassed them all up.” I’m lying there. “Oh, I would love a spaghetti toastie right now. Mm, how good would that be? Or a baked potato with rice in the middle.” “And I could put that on a sandwich. When was the last time I had that?” Piece on baked totty and rice, eh? Mm! With a wee spaghetti toastie chaser. Oh, yes.” “Then I crumbled, mate. I went rampaging through my own kitchen. In the freezer, there was a tub of Ben & Jerry’s that had been there for months. And because it had been there for so long, the little wooden spoon that you get inside a tub of Ben & Jerry’s had bent and snapped on impact on the ice cream. So I had to put the tub of Ben & Jerry’s in the microwave. Now… I left it in the microwave a bit longer than I should have done and the ice cream melted. So, rather than have just a few wooden spoonfuls as I had initially intended, I drank the fucking lot, mate.” I never knew how to fit that in to Monday evening’s column. It’s too extreme. If you’re fat, you’re at a tremendous advantage when it comes to losing weight. Bear that in mind. I was 18 stone at 18. Now I’m 28 and I’m 14 stone. Right, that’s four stone… I’ve lost. [Audience cheering] Thank you. To those of you applauding that you’re applauding a man who’s lost four stone… in just ten years. Admittedly, a pretty difficult diet to market. I’m not gonna get on the front cover of Reveal with that story. How I shifted four stone in just ten years. A before and after photograph. There’s me with a fucking school uniform on in the before. Simple. Simple changes, that’s what you need to make. That’s what the four-stone-in-ten-years programme encourages. Small steps. Don’t have McCoys, have Quavers. Simple changes. You don’t need to go to bed with a two-litre bottle of Fanta and a tube of Pringles every night. Small changes. You don’t need to lose junk food. Just Google it first. “What is healthy to eat from the Chinese?” Go on. Yahoo answers. Ignore the top answer. Some nutritionist from the University of Arkansas: “All Chinese food is usually fried. There’s always very large portions. It usually contains a chemical called mono-sodium glutamate, which is highly addictive and fattening.” Fuck all. Just keep scrolling down. Keep scrolling until you find what you want to find. What about this guy? “Sweet and sour chicken is quite healthy, as long as you peel the batter off at least three of the chicken bones.” “If you’re putting fried rice on a prawn cracker, don’t have a lid. Just have the one prawn cracker.” It’s these simple changes that will help you shift four stone in just ten years. Then the rest comes. Then you can exercise. Then you adopt a dog. That’s your exercise buddy. Get up the Dogs Trust. Get a dog that’s done a bit of jail time. Adopt a rescue dog. Get up there. It’s like The Shawshank Redemption. Two dogs to a cell. Younger dog trying to impress you. Older dog at the back, playing its harmonica. Scraping a cup up and down the cell. Sneering at the younger dog. “You’re never getting out of here, boy.” I could wake that dog up, having a wee dog dream, lying there. One hand on the belly. We’ll go on a jog to Edinburgh. Fuck it, let’s go on a fucking jog to Edinburgh. Let’s jog back as well, me and my fucking pal. You’ve got hobbies. I took up tennis. I tried that. I lasted one night. I show up at the local tennis club. Guy goes, “Yeah, you’re on court No.4.” “We need bats, mate.” You don’t have racquets? Of course we don’t have racquets since it’s my first night at a new hobby. “I’ve got a bottle of Lucozade and a fiver, mate. That’s all you bring.” Everybody knows that’s all you bring at your first night at a new hobby.” Trying to play tennis, you end up losing the plot. Trying to serve, you end up just meeting up at the net to discuss rule changes. “Will we just make it?” becomes the theme of the evening. Will we just make it? You can serve underarm and it can bounce anywhere. Instead of 15, 30, 40, we’ll just make it one-nil, two-nil, three-nil… And your pal starts beating you as if he’s fucking great at it. Starts offering you feedback. “I’ve noticed you’re lifting your head.” “Fuck you! As if you’re any fucking good at it!” That’s the sport here, innit? Tennis. Andy Murray, he’s fucking changed this place. Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve thought? Scotland becoming a tennis country! Who would’ve thought? It’s the working man’s sport, innit? You walk into a rough pub in Glasgow and there’s tennis on. Volatile atmosphere. “No tennis!” signs up all over the pub. Guys arguing long into the night. “You’re gonna sit there, Del, and tell me that Nalbandian would beat Djokovic on a clay court!” Derek, you’re embarrassing yourself. That’s how stereotypes change. Northern Ireland, they’re into golf. Have we got any Belfast in? One guy there. Good man. Bel… Where are you from? Belfast? Where is he? You, mate. You. What’s your name? – Ian. – Ian? Ian. That’s a fucking accent, innit? They make us sound like Michael Bublé. There’s a bomb in the biscuit tin. – How long have you been in Glasgow, Ian? – Since 1985. Since 1985? You just got fed up with… shite weather, religious intolerance. You thought, “Fuck this! I’m off to Glasgow!” Good man. ’85! 1985! The first time I was in Belfast, the hotel I was staying was beside an ’80s bar. I thought that was funny. Ian, an ’80s bar – in Belfast! Of all the cities in the world where you don’t want to go and celebrate the ’80s. What the fuck goes on in there? People rubbing shite on the walls? Petrol bombs getting chucked across the dance floor? “Who gives a fuck? Karma Chameleon’s on! Yeah!” “I’m a man without conviction.” No, it’s changed hasn’t it, Ian? Golf, that’s the sport. Tennis, Scotland. Golf, Northern Ireland: Rory McIlroy, Darren Clarke. They’ve ditched the guns, bought golf clubs. Progress. They’re still chucking the odd petrol bomb, but they’re shouting, “Fore!” You know, giving each other a bit of… A bit of support. A bit of feedback on their game. What you’ve gotta do there, picture the shot first. Get that fucking police station in your sites there. Just stand. Shoulders straight. Bend your fucking knees. I waited for you. Well, I’ll be fat again. Don’t worry, I’ll be fat. I’ll be back. I’m looking sharp, but I’ll be back. I’m one all-inclusive holiday away from fucking meltdown. Don’t worry. I’ll be back. Did you go on your holidays this year? Big guy? – Aye. – Aye. – Aye. Where did you go, sir? – Majorca. Majorca. You and the good lady, was it? Aye. Good man. Any big holiday arguments, no? Aye. A few. Get the camera on ’em. Let’s dig some dirt here. That’s tradition. When you go with your missus, a big holiday bust-up. Big fucking 35-degree argument. Carrying a five-litre bottle of water and a lilo up a hill. Your flip-flops keep falling back down the fucking hill. Eventually, just booting them off. “Fucking flip-flops. The pavement’s too warm. Where’s my fucking flip-flops? You get that one! I’ll get that one! Five litres?! How many times are we gonna brush our fucking teeth on this holiday, anyway?” Or a water park. That’s it. If your relationship can survive a water park argument, that’s love. Sitting on a big, inflatable yellow ring. Trying to get the last word in before you begin your sharp decline. “I’m an arsehole? Well, who fucking paid for the holida-a-a-ay?” And you need to wait on the other one coming down. The two of you buzzing. The adrenaline’s going. Put your ring back. You’ve cheered up, but you’re fucked if you’re letting your face know you’ve cheered up. “I’m going to enjoy this bad mood. I’ve worked hard all year for this bad mood.” Even if something funny happens. You’ve got white shorts. They’re wet. Everybody can see your arse cheeks and your pubes. It’s funny, is it? What, nobody here’s seen an arse before? How mature? How mature? I never knew guys shaved their pubes. I don’t give a fuck. Ha-ha! Everybody laugh at me, for fuck’s sake! I like a bit of Spain. Any Spanish in? Aye! Aye? You, mate? You?! What part of Spain? Fucking Shettleston? “Aye”? – What’s your name, sir? – Stevie. Stevie? Stevie from Spain? Stevie… Good man, Stevie. How long have you been in Scotland, Stevie? Aye, we’ll give up there. We peaked at that, Stevie. Busted. Well, that’s you on the telly now, Stevie, Christmas Day. He’ll rent this DVD, gets coked up and puts that DVD on again. Fuck’s sake! “So, he goes, like, anybody from Spain?” I’m like, “Aye! Me!” “Rewind it. Watch it again. Everyone, get in the living room! Watch this!” Very funny, Stevie. Very fucking funny, buddy. Spain. I like Spain. I like the cultural side. Siesta. I like that shit. You get to go for a lie down in the afternoon. It’s called a “siesta” in Spain. When you go for a lie down in the afternoon in Scotland, it’s called depression. People start worrying about you if you go for a siesta in this country. “Is the big man all right? Aye? Is he all right?” “Have you spoke to him? Have you tried to talk to him about it?” “It’s a lot of siestas he’s going for.” I like my siesta on holiday. That’s the best bit, innit? I don’t go on mental holidays any more. Don’t go with my mates. I’ve got bomb scare pals that don’t know when to shut the fuck up. It wears thin after a few years, turning up dodgy side streets in a foreign country. People try to sell you shit. You’ve got mates that don’t know when to shut the fuck up and keep walking. Hookers everywhere. “I suck your dick? I suck your dick?” “I’ll suck your dick, hen!” “Well done, Barry boy. That’s us all getting shot, mate! Well done!” I like the bit when you’re getting fuck all done. The bit between six o’clock and before you need to go out for the night. You’ve done the pool during the day. You’re in. That’s it. The siesta. Lying on the sofa bed in the apartment with prickly heat. Watching The Simpsons in Spanish. Eating the local crisps. Listening to how much of a fucking fruitcake Homer sounds in Spanish. “I’ll go in the shower in a minute. I think Homer’s gonna slit somebody’s throat here.” They’re nice, their crisps. Here, get some of their crisps. Ruffles “jamon” flavour. I went on a cultural break. Tried that. Done New York, all that stuff. You get dragged round tourist attractions. A lot more pressure on yourself to actually go and do shit. Looking at stuff, knowing you should be enjoying it. Statue Of Liberty. “Wow! That’s exactly how I fucking thought it would look.” Having to take your photograph. You don’t realise how much shite you photograph until you go somewhere good. Or your phone runs out of memory. Standing on top of the Empire State Building, deleting fry-ups. I’ve got an app called What’sApp. Right, all the kids have got it. People send you… People send you pictures and videos and it just saves straight to your phone. It’s horrific shit people send. And I never knew I had a video of a guy fucking a hoover on my phone… ..until I was showing my mother my holiday photographs. I’m flicking through them, giving my wee commentary. “That was us on the first night. That’s a view from the hotel, Mum. That was a wee Italian restaurant. That’s where Harry met Sally. The pastrami sandwich was nae very nice. That’s a guy… Cracking holiday, Mum. I’d definitely recommend…” Of course you watch it. If a guy has took the time to fuck a hoover, I will take the time to watch a guy fuck a hoover. Lying, watching it. Have you ever seen your own reflection on your phone? You see how tragic you look at these moments. Lying on your couch. Big double chin. Fucking dead behind the eyes. Your life is ending just watching a guy fuck a hoover. Is that a Henry or a Henrietta he’s fucked now? And you need to reply to your mate that sent it. H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A. And then the emoticons. There’s that wee guy that fucking cries with laughter. 15 of them, mate. Projectile tears of laughter are leaving my eyes, mate. There we go. Ha-ha-ha! I was at New York, getting dragged into museums. Trying so hard to enjoy it. There’s that voice in there going, “Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite.” Trying so hard. “It’s not shite, Kevin. Show some respect.” “It’s fucking shite. It’s an art gallery full of shite. “Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite.” Listening to the tour guide. “This is 300 years old. This was donated to the museum.” I thought, “Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite.” “And you’re fortunate the Tutankhamun exhibit is here for six weeks only.” Trust me to land that fucking six weeks, eh? How shite will that be? Tutankhamun, the King of Egypt at 21. I bet he was a wee wank. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Come on, Kevin, you’re better than this. Let’s see a show of strength. “Excuse me, mate. Is that a Diego Rivera?” “You don’t know who he is?” You’ve found a victim, Kev. All that hard work. Give him it. Both barrels. “Never heard of Diego Rivera, mate? Never seen Dreams Of A Sunday Afternoon In The Alameda? Arguably one of Rivera’s most controversial works, my man. Why was it controversial? Well, because it depicted Don Ignacio Ramírez holding a placard that said, “God does not exist.” The work caused uproar, but Rivera refused to remove the placard until nine years later, stating that he doesn’t have to hide behind Don Ignatio Ramírez to show his own atheist views and that he believes all religions are a form of collective neurosis.” “You don’t know this shit?” Job done, Kev. Now get to the gift shop. Buy a rubber and fuck off. I travel. I travel a lot. I appreciate my life. Travel. Stay in a lot of hotels. They’ve always got bad news for you, I notice, in hotels. “Unfortunately, sir, the Wi-Fi is only available in the lobby area.” “Well, is it all right to masturbate in the lobby area?” That’s what I say to them. Call them out on it. “I might use your Wi-Fi and your lobby, then, mate. The websites I visit, that is between me and my browsing cookies. Your manager can deal with the inevitable negative reviews on TripAdvisor.” Some stunned couple. “Don’t get me wrong. The rooms were spacious. The location was great. The staff were a delight. Could not fault the food or the facilities. But, on the final night, there was a Scottish bloke ripping the head off it in the lobby. It was bloody disgusting. Nothing subtle about it. He had his denims at his ankles. His feet on the coffee table. He was using both his hands at one point. He was shouting encouragement to himself. He then demanded housekeeping bring him a hoover. It was rather bizarre. Two stars. We won’t be back. Two stars.” The Wi-Fi is fucking killing this world, innit? The Internet? I’m trying to cut loose. I’m trying to cut… I’m trying to stay off it. Driving me fucking nuts. I like technology. I appreciate what the geeks have done for this world. I just don’t like the person that I become as soon as it fails. As soon as it stops working, it sends me fucking into a big, angry primate. I’ve had too many of these rages. I’m quite a peaceful guy. Fucking laptop stopped searching for wireless networks a few weeks ago. That sounds trivial, but that’s enough to send me into a… “Fucking piece of shit!” Fucking shouting at it, cos I’m so out of my depth trying to figure out… Your laptop breaks. You’ve got two options, Johnny. You can hand it to where you bought it, or you can phone up the technical support line. What option would you choose, Johnny? In your own time, Johnny. Well, I phoned up, Johnny. You could hand it in. That’s part of my problem. I’m not wanting to hand this computer into the Apple Store to speak to Marc with a C. With his “Wee genius” T-shirt on. Talking about his band. “Yeah, we’re called Skull Fracture. We’re playing the unsigned tent at T in the Park.” His big, stupid earlobes hanging down. Go on and put your ear rings back in, Marc. Stop putting people off calamari for life. Fucking disgusting. I decided to phone up. The laptop was no longer searching for wireless networks. People are calling it a First World problem. That just makes you angrier. I fucking know it’s a First World problem! That’s why I’m on the phone to the Third World, trying to get it fucking fixed. – Woo! – I phoned up. I’m on the phone. Indonesia. Talking to my man. My man Gavin. He starts asking me questions. I’m telling Gav the issue. Gav’s asking me for my DHCP client ID. I said, “I don’t know what that means, Gav.” Gav told me to click on System Preferences. Then go to Network Settings. And then Advanced Network Settings. He said, in there, you should see an IPV and phone number. From that, you should be able to see your DHCP client ID. I’m fucking getting excited here. Gav’s onto something. I said, “Yes, Gav. I can see a DHCP client ID.” And he’s asking me if it’s configurated or deconfigurated. I said, “Well, Gav, it appears to be deconfigurated.” Gav tells me to click on. I’m already there, Gav. Clicked on Configurated. Done deal. And he goes, “Try again.” I’m so fucking excited, Gav, to try again. I tried again and the laptop connected to the wireless network. I thanked Gav for his time. Then I’m left wondering… My mind is blown. Who the fuck undone that? Like…? I have never been anywhere near that part of the computer before. So what the fuck happened between connecting to wireless networks and not connecting? Did that have an MIT frat party in the living room one night? Did that have Mark Zuckerberg and the boys round for a couple of cans? It’s got a bit out of hand. I fell asleep at six in the morning. And, rather than just shave off my eyebrows, or draw a cock and balls on my face, some prankster has logged into my laptop and fucking deconfigurated my DHCP client ID. We are raising kids in this world… I’m only 28. I still remember the world being a bit simpler. It’s tragic when you hear the children going, “Dad! Dad! Dad, this iPod’s not performing the software update! Dad!” And if I ever become a father, I don’t know if I could handle that. I think I’ll be saying, “Shut the fuck up, you wee tool! Performing a software update? You’re a wee guy. Go up to the loft. Find a golf club. Go outside and chop some jaggy nettles. Go outside! Outside! Go out there! Go and chop some jaggies. You’re a wee guy! You’ve your whole life to perform software updates. Go out there and be bored. Decapitate a few dandelions. Get in the bushes!” “I’ve just been stung by a nettle!” “Well, get a fucking dock leaf, then. Learn some survival tactics. How about a big walk? Just kick a plastic bottle down the street. Be at one with your thoughts. Get a big stick. Get a bit of dog shite on the end. Patrol your bit! Fucking armed with a bit of dog shite on a stick. It’s a rite of passage to any child. Sitting up in your bedroom, getting cyber bullied. Fucking go to his door with a bit of dog shite on a stick.” We need to be bored. Our minds are too occupied. I used to be bored as a child. I was quite a creative wee guy. I was that fucking… I tried to start a boy band. I had mental ideas. In my jotter, “Element Four.” That’s what I called us. I had three mates who I gave aliases to. Air, Fire, Rain, Wind. I told them about my plans. They laughed at me. Called me, “Gay boy!” I thought, “Fuck youse!” I went solo. Big Wind. Going down to the kitchen, grabbing the radio. Up to the bedroom. Blank cassette in. Pressing… Pressing play and record at the same time. With my lyrics that I’d wrote. Big Wind in the studio. ♪ Baby, I’ve been thinking ♪ About you ♪ I think you’re thinking about me too Making sure my Dad’s not there, in case I get fucking leathered. ♪ When you said goodbye ♪ It made me cry, baby-y-y-y Doing the voice that long, your eyes start to water. Really adds a bit to it. ♪ Baby-y-y-y-y Cos I was fucking bored. I enjoyed childhood. Going out on a big walk. Just showing up at your mate’s door. Going in for your mate. Going in for somebody. Just battering their letterbox, unannounced. “All right, Mrs Cassidy. Is Stu in? I’m here to eat every crisp in this house.” “His name’s Stuart, Kevin.” “Where is he? Stoobster!” That’s when you discovered the love you had for your own family. I see the wee dweebs go, “I actually hate my mum and dad.” Fucking get out the house, then! A sleepover. That’s when you discovered how much you loved your own mum and dad. When you went an spent an evening in another family. That was an eye-opener. We need that. The kids are too busy online and they’re socialising to this level. You need to go and spend time in another house. Discover. You’ve got it good. That Saturday morning, returning home to your own house, after a sleepover. Just want to cuddle your mum and dad. As if you’ve just served in Afghanistan. “Mum, come here. Dad, bring it in, big guy! I know I don’t tell you a lot, but I love you. The Cassidys are fucking weirdoes.” Cos it would start off all right. You’d go in for Stu. And you’re up in the bedroom, playing the computer. He’s making you use an unofficial control pad that his gran bought him for Christmas. You’re letting it slide, even though it’s frustrating. You’re through on goal, trying to shoot. “Where’s the square button, Stu? Stu?” “It’s not square, it’s No.9 on that pad.” “Fucking piece of shit! Fuck you, Stu! Fuck you!” And his mum comes into the bedroom. “Kevin, we’re gonna phone a Chinese. Would you like to stay for some Chinese?” Fucking jackpot! “Of course. Of course I’ll stay for some Chinese.” You start to relax. I like this family. I reckon I could be a Cassidy. Everything’s going to plan. Friday night, home delivery. Then you get shouted down the stairs. Made to set the table. They’re setting the table for a home delivery. Again, letting it slide. This is the Cassidys’. It’s not fucking Christmas Day, but maybe they set their table for a home delivery. Then the food arrives. You don’t recognise one fucking thing that they’ve ordered. Not once was I consulted during the ordering process. I know I’m ten. I know I’m a guest, but ordering a home delivery is a democratic process. But again, letting it slide. The dad’s shown you the food. “OK, Kevin, this is the king scallop, Sichuan-style. This is the Kung Pao lamb. This is the sweet and chilli bean curd.” “This is nae Chinese food, Mr Cassidy. Where’s all the yellow shit? Where’s all the chicken balls? Chips? Curry sauce? You’d get fucking laughed out of China for that shite, Mr Cassidy.” Then he starts saying grace. The dad, thanking the Lord for a home delivery! Just fucking tip the delivery driver. Job done. You’re trying to plate yourself up some food. You’re going, “Mr Cassidy, where’s the rice?” “Oh, just give us a few minutes on the rice, Kevin. It shouldn’t be long.” “Oh, they never sent the rice? I hate when that happens, Mr Cassidy.” “Oh, no, no, no. Sheila’s just boiling the rice.” “Oh, they sent it not boiled, Mr Cassidy?” “No, Kevin, they never sent anything. We don’t order rice from the Chinese. Why would we pay £2 for rice when there’s a whole jar of rice on the worktop there? That would just be stupid, wouldn’t it?” Alarm bells are ringing. We’re having fucking house rice! With a home delivery? On a Friday night? We’re having it with house rice? The evening’s took a sinister turn. Glaring across the table at wee Stu. I’m gonna fucking expose you! This is going to finish you, Stu, in school on Monday. This will be your nickname for eternity. It’ll be House Rice. Even if you’re driving a Ferrari. “Oh, he’s driving a Ferrari, is he?” “Who?” “House Rice!” Finished the food. Seen the family. I don’t know if I could be a Cassidy. Then you get made to wash the dishes. “Kevin, why don’t you make a little game of it? Stuart can wash them. You can dry them.” Fucking great game, Mrs Cassidy. Non-stop scream in this house on a Friday night. Maybe we can change ends at half-time, or is that a bit too out there? Then the gran arrives. You get dragged into the living room. “Yeah, we always watch a movie together as a family, Kevin. It’s just our little Friday night thing. Coming in? We’re going to watch The Hand That Rocks The Cradle. Have you seen it, Kevin?” No, Mrs Cassidy but I heard it’s fantastic, heard it’s hilarious. Having to sit watching this. How the fuck do I get out of here? I need to get home. I need home, home. I’m homesick. I’m only four streets away. I’m fucking homesick. “Kevin, just phone your dad and see if you can stay overnight. That would be nice. Have a wee sleepover.” Imagine that, Kev. The overnight package with these freaks. “Kevin, phone your dad.” This is before mobile phones. You had to use the living room phone. The whole family is sitting there. “Phone your dad, Kevin, phone your dad.” The Hand That Rocks The Cradle’s been paused, they’re all listening in. “Ask if you can stay.” You’re on the phone to your dad, solely dependent on your tone to get across to your dad that you’re being held against your will. This is going to take an acting performance, Kev. This is nae a family, this is a cult. “Phone your dad, Kevin.” Trying to get a bit of a lump in the throat. Hoping my dad hears I’m crying, comes and rescues me. “Where are you, Kevin? I’ll come and fucking do them. Where are you, where are you?” It’s ringing, it’s ringing. Hi, Dad? Dad. Dad, is it all right if I stay overnight at Stuart Cassidy’s house? “Of course it is, Kevin, you have a great night.” Your dad’s no fucking getting it at all. Dad, are you sure I’ve got no plans in the morning? I thought I had. You know, I had something on. “Nothing on in the morning, Kevin. It’s Saturday and you’re fucking ten years old, pal. No plans.” That was that, you’d signed up. You were one of them for the evening. “Kevin, un-pause the movie.” I think it’s you that’s got the doofer, Mr Cassidy. “It’s me that’s got the what? The doofer? Is that what you call the remote control, the doofer?” He’s fucking laughing. The ma’s laughing, the whole family, wee House Rice is laughing. They’re all laughing at you. They’re ripping the piss out of you, Kev. “The doofer!” Fucking hook the dad, Kev, hook the dad. Take the whole family out. One jab to the dad. No family recovers from a jab to the dad. “The doofer!” Fucking knock him out, Kev. I’m nudging wee Stu. Want to go up to the bedroom. Want to go up, House Rice, want to go to bed. The dad catches you. “You trying to get Stuart to go to bed with you? Is there something you’re not telling us?” You’re on thin ice, Mr Cassidy, you old bastard. Eventually, up to the bedroom. Wee House Rice just goes to sleep straightaway. You’re left alone, on his floorboards, inside a Scooby Doo sleeping bag. You haven’t even got a pillow, you’ve got a cushion off the couch, with the zip on your neck, haven’t you? Turn it… Alone, breathing in their family smell, their house smell. The whole family smell the same. I recognise that smell. That’s the way he smells when I sit beside him in school. I wonder if he stunk out the house or the house stunk him out. Wonder what came first. Listening to these noises. How fucking loud is your bedroom clock, House Rice? Ticking away ever second. It is torture. I need out of here. I wonder what time I can leave here. Do you think five in the morning’s a bit early? That’s the target, Kev, five in the morning. Anybody catches you trying to leave – “Are you not going to stay for breakfast, Kevin?” Wonder what you get for breakfast in this shit-hole, wonder. “What would you like for your breakfast, Kevin?” Maybe some eggy bread. “Eggy bread, is that what you call French toast?” All that shite starts again. All the fucking House Rices laughing at you. “You’re not going to stay, Kevin? We’re having Alpen. Do you like Alpen?” Yes, Mrs Cassidy, I love nothing better on a Saturday morning than a big bowl of Alpen. That’s what gets me through the week. Mm! Get something in that frying pan, you fucking boot. Ladies and gentlemen of Glasgow, thank you for listening. Been a pleasure talking to you. Top crowd. Take care of yourselves. Thank you. Good night. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you. Cheers to you, mate. Cheers to Johnny. Thank you. Good night, take care. Get back. Get fucking back. It’s become a hostage situation, there at the back. Get back. Back. You at the door, back, back, back, back. This is it. You’re supposed to leave that bit much longer when you go off stage but there’s a big flight of stairs there and I just… What’s the point? You go all the way down, you go all the way back up. So, I’m back. Nice crowd, man. You all right? Yes. Can you get what? A selfie. I’m kind of busy the noo, hen, but yes. There you go. There you go. Top crowd. What a venue, man. Wow, I’d love to be a priest up here. ♪ A… A… men ♪ Our Lord the Saviour ♪ Pray for our souls. A… Amen Bit of religion in Glasgow, eh? How could this backfire? ♪ Amen Believe in the Lord, Johnny? Yes, you do. Good, good. Good man. I don’t, man. I don’t know. I grew up a Catholic. Don’t really give a fuck these days, maybe. Maybe go to chapel Christmas Day, Easter Sunday. One of them Catholics that go to the big games. I mean… I’m no’ going to go to the league matches but I’ll go to the cup final. Back to the old priest, talking about Jesus. ♪ When he comes back, when he comes back ♪ The second coming of the Lord, Jesus Christ Coming back? How fucking long have we given the guy, man? 2015! I think it’s fair to say Jesus has fucked off, innit? He’s found new pals, he’s ditched us. The millennium, that was a turning point for a lot of people. Jesus never showed up at his own 2,000th. That’s not your 40th or your 21st, that’s the 2,000th. I picture the guy, Jesus, what he’d be like in his Second Coming. Imagine the ego on that guy. Arguing with night-club bouncers. Do you know who my dad is? Don’t care who your dad is, pal, you’re no’ getting in with sandals on. Bringing religion into football, that backfired. Why don’t you bring religion into football? That’ll bring people back to their place of worship. Get the tunes a bit better. ♪ Give him a loaf, give him a fish ♪ Jesus of Nazareth, he’ll serve up a dish Jesus! Ah, the Yank asked me about the Old Firm before. People exaggerate it a wee bit. Danny Dyer, all those guys. An American, he’s gone, “Man, is it fucking true, man, that if you walk into the wrong fucking bar in Glasgow on soccer day…” Soccer day! Don’t laugh at the guy. Sorry, Duane, continue. He goes, “I heard this one story, man, this guy had the wrong T-shirt on and the other team’s fans walked over and they didn’t beat the shit out of him. Instead, they fucking grabbed him by the ears and sucked on one of his eyeballs… It was like some disrespect, some tribal shit. That fucking go on, man, over a soccer match?” It would fucking break my heart to deny that. I said, yes, Duane, sadly. I have seen many a match marred by such incidents. An Old Firm game, the whole stadium sitting with fucking monocles in. Did they get you, as well, Kenny? I couldnae believe it, mate. Never drinking there again, man. Oh, he’s got contact lenses, the Fenian bastard! Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, it genuinely means a lot to see so many people. 16 nights, very humbling. Thank you, good people, for that. I’d just like to… Thank you. Yes. I done my… I done my first-ever show when I’d just left school, 17. My dad was there. My mum and dad are here. It’s their 40th wedding anniversary. So, lots of love to them. Thanks for everything. Thank you, Andy. Thanks very much. Good night, Glasgow, take care. Thank you! Cheers. Thank you, good night, cheers. Feels like this is incomplete, some just replaced with ellipses. Disappointing. The missing parts have been added. | [Applause] Yes, thank you, Glasgow! Saturday Night, Glasgow. Thank you. Yes, welcome. Welcome along. The Hydro. Wow. Nice place. 16 nights I’m doing here. 16. Thank you, good people, for that. 16. One Direction only doing two. I’m doing 16. I’ll get Harry Styles on the phone. “All right, Kev, any chance you can tap us a score?” It is DVD night. Looking well. Everybody looking resplendent. Need to look your best. Christmas Day, sitting watching it, pausing it, trying to find yourself. There’s big Gordon from next door. Who is that he’s sitting beside? That’s not Stacey. Big Gordo, the shagger. Well done for coming to something. Well done. Good for you. It’s difficult coming to something. I don’t underestimate for a second the challenges involved. It’s a lot of effort. Have to take the time to show our appreciation for the heroes, the unsung heroes, people amongst you who organise these nights. People who know when shit goes on sale. People who sit on Ticketmaster. “Page cannot be displayed.” “Server timed out.” The people who composed that original group text. Assembling the troops. The people who dared to dream that a night out could be possible. Sitting, dealing with people’s replies trickling in, sucking out their enthusiasm. “Kevin Bridges? What night is it? Where is it? How much is it? What time does it start? What time does it finish? Who else is going?” “Who else is going?” What a fucking snide enquiry. That’s when the organiser’s faced with the internal politics of the social circle. The night out needs a big name to confirm. A headline act, an A-lister pal. A crackpot. Disco. Risor. Gnasher. Somebody that can turn your night out into four nights out. “It’s only me and Scobbie going so far. I know he’s a wee prick, but he’ll drive.” Welcome along, front row. How are we doing? You all right? Looking good. How are you doing, sir? You all right, mate? You can reply, mate. It’s live, it’s not on the fucking telly yet. We’re only making a DVD. It’s not actually… His face… “That 3D telly is a fucking beauty.” Good man. What is your name, sir? You’re not telling me? All right, that’s good. What’s his name, mate? Fucking grass him in since he’s not telling me. Johnny. Johnny? Johnny. You settling for that, Johnny? It’s only a comedy show, Johnny. You’re not getting booked by the police. It’s just a wee… Camera right on Johnny there. That’s it, mate. You make him feel like shit for that. There we go, that’s Johnny, everybody. Tell your name to the camera. Johnny. [Cheering] Good man. Welcome along. I like a night out. I’m getting to that age. I’m growing up. I’ve got mates getting married, and having children. This is new to me. My life is changing. You don’t get a night out as often. The weekend is no longer an excuse in itself. I don’t get a night out, it’s rare. But when they happen, it’s a rollover and they go on far too long. I don’t think anybody can party like the newly-married man, the new father. I hear One Direction singing, ♪ I’m gonna go crazy, crazy, crazy. Until they see the sun. And singing ♪ Gonna party… Until six in the morning. All these parties that have got scheduled end times. That is not what happens when your mates start getting married and having children and you get a night out, they go on far too fucking long. People do not want to go back… .. to the life that they are creating for themselves. Mayhem ensues at the suggestion of a six-in-the-morning curfew. “Do you want to call it a night?” “Fuck, man, one more hour this bar is open. We’ll go and get cans.” The adult empty, it’s a bleak affair. The empty, ten years on. Some paranoid wreck walking through your living room looking for a Nokia charger. “17 missed calls? I’d better fucking text her.” Highlights of a game of FIFA on the PlayStation that was finished about three hours ago still playing. Two guys snorting cocaine talking about a fight they had in primary school. “I’m fucking glad we sorted that tonight.” “Yeah, I know, mate. I was out of order at that playtime. I was out of order.” 35-year-old guy still using expressions like “playtime”. “It was me who was out of order. I was the one that kept throwing fizzy cola bottles at you. I knew you had to be seen to be doing something about that, mate. I understand. You didn’t need to call us a wee elba. That was out of order on your part. It’s six in the morning. Nokia guy arguing with his missus by text. “I told you I was having a mad one.” His only justification for having a mad one, he fucking told her… he was having a mad one. Then staying on the offensive. “I thought you were going to your mum’s to watch Strictly anyway.” “It’s fucking six o’clock in the morning, Ryan.” “How the fuck am I supposed to know what time Strictly finishes?” Then looking at the telly. Looking at the PlayStation, thinking it’s fucking Sky Sports. “When did Motherwell beat Columbia? That’s fucking some result. Columbia had their full team playing, aye. I wish I’d stuck money on that. Seven red cards? Was there a bit of needle between them two? ♪ Six in the morning. It’s tough watching guys grow up against their will. Watching somebody going through an old VHS case that’s been used as a joint-rolling station for years. Raking through the paraphernalia trying to find something smokeable. “There’s a bit of green in there. I’ll press my finger on that. There’s plenty here, gentlemen. The night is but young. Bit of green stuff. Tobacco. Scrape that in. Hairs. “There’s always hairs in the rolling tray. I’ll put the pubes in. Who gives a fuck?” Lying there in emotional purgatory trying to get a knackered disposable lighter to work, the only lighter in the party. Doing big, long flicks. “Come on, you piece of shit.” Eventually, get a bit of blue flame. And going, “Yes!” And the “s” blows it straight back out again. It’s hard to watch a married man lighting a pube joint off the toaster. Do you take drugs, Johnny? There’s a cameraman. That’s it. You hinder his future employment prospects.. I’m only joking. I don’t take… I used to smoke weed, Johnny. I got busted. I got caught. We were having fajitas one Sunday as a family and I rolled a fucking belter. And it aroused far too much suspicion. From that day forward, I was under surveillance. I was evident I had obtained these skills elsewhere no doubt through illicit activity, as this was the first time we had ever sampled Mexican cuisine as a family. I’ll take the back seat letting everybody else go first. They are putting together these big abominations, big, baggy, reckless bastards. Salsa bombers going down their t-shirts. I’m biding my time just surveying the devastation at the table, the mess. My own family, a disgrace to the art of rolling. Then I stepped up, saying, “Pass me the skins… eh, the tortillas.” I took three tortillas out of the packet. There’s the hash smokers in there. “Are you having three fajitas, Kevin?” “No, Gran, I’m gonna stick these together with some guacamole. Don’t worry, Gran, you’ll get a pass. And don’t hog it. I know what you’re like. And don’t get it all wet at the end.” Putting the grated cheese right across my set-up there. You got a grinder…? Don’t say grinder, shut up. Rolled it up. Tucked it right in. Asking my gran to take off her crucifix so I could just stuff a bit down at the end there. Just about stopped myself before I ripped a bit of cardboard off the old El Paso box. ♪ Six in the morning Where are you from, Johnny? Airdrie? Airdrie. Good to see. He’s got a wee fan club there. Quite a lot of people. People booing Airdrie obviously. Coatbridge? Coatbridge. Airdrie. Anybody not from Scotland? Anybody come from further afield than Airdrie? Which is a pretty depressing question to ask. South Africa! South Africa? “All right, my lady.” “My lady.” I only know that… I just know South Africa for all the wrong reasons. The Pistorius trial, that’s all I’ve got for you. That was a great holiday watching the murder trial. “Oh, my lady, I didn’t know it was Reeva, my lady.” If only that had made it to South Africa. “Duh,” when somebody was talking shite. That’s what that trial needed, the whole jury… “Oh, my lady, I didn’t know it was her.” Duh! Welcome, welcome. That was good. They should have got him steaming. That’s how you get the truth out of any man. Get him fucking hammered. That is a lie detector in court. Get a few cans in him. Let him start unwinding a bit. Then get him on the shots, then get him where he’s lighting his fag but he’s talking that much shite, his fag keeps going out. He’s hammered. “All right, I’ll fucking tell you what happened. I was busting for a shite. And she was taking fucking ages. I was touching cloth, my lady, and I panicked.” South Africa. Anybody not from Scotland, where have I got? Where are you from? Detroit? Detroit. No fucking shit, man. – Detroit? Genuine? What is your name? – Jennifer! Jennifer? From Detroit. How long have you been in Glasgow, Jennifer? – A decade. – A decade? That’s ten year in Glasgow talk. Ten year, you say. None of that “decade” shite. You would fail your citizenship test on that, Jennifer. Ten year. You don’t say “years”. None of that plural pish either. Ten year. You get a very honest game of Scrabble in Glasgow. “Years?” He’s not getting five for that. No chance. Detroit? No fucking way, man. Scotland, we are on the map. We attract tourists. People give a fuck about Scotland these days. We got put on the map. Especially last year. We had the civil war, didn’t we, Scotland? People asked… I had an American in a pub in New York asking me about that. About the big vote we had. It was difficult to explain. The guy is going, “Hey, man, are you from Scotland?” I said, “Yes.” I was gonna say “Aye” but I translated. I said, yes. I’d been on the Rosetta Stone prior to the trip. And the guy goes, “What the fuck happened over there, man, in Scotland? Who would have thought Scotland would vote against freedom? Like, what the fuck?” “It was a bit more complicated than that, pal.” And he was going, “What about William Wallace and Robert the Bruce? You guys fucking said, no?” “Aye, we thought Asda were gonna put their prices up.” “We’re a proud people, pal, but I don’t know how much we’re prepared to pay for crispy pancakes.” It was a crazy time in Scotland, that left us questioning our whole identity. Even I’m looking at Scottish money, “No wonder the English don’t accept this shite. Who is that guy?” “It’s not the fucking Queen, mate.” “I know it’s not the Queen, mate. I don’t know who it is. Just some guy. Clydesdale Bank’s employee of the month or something. Just be happy for the wee guy. Picture him at a house party. Six in the morning. Showing his pals his note. “I’m on the note.” Rolling it up, snorting coke through it. “Look at me now, Ma, I’m a tenner.” We all got into it, didn’t we, politics? We’ve got a whole country that could resit higher modern studies. It’s good, it’s an education. Sitting on Facebook posting links to articles you’ve not even read yet. That was us. People threatening to leave the country. Michelle Mone, she left, didn’t she? Michelle Mone. Somebody needs to sit her down. “Michelle… Mone.” Mone Michelle. Mone. Mone to fuck, Michelle. Are you a political man, Johnny? Nah? You don’t give a shit. I watch it. I like the politics. I’ve started buying the big papers. I never knew the big papers were as expensive. I thought it’d be the same price. Standing in the queue at the newsagent with my pound coin making plans for the change. “£1.80.” “Fuck. Do you take cards, mate?” “Only if it’s over a fiver.” “All right, a Daily Telegraph and 16 packets of Hubba Bubba, mate.” I watch it. The Tories, that’s who we’ve got, reducing the deficit. The economy, that is what is going on. Austerity Britain. Making cuts. [Audience boos] I watch ’em. [English accent] David Cameron. “We must work together to reduce the deficit.” That is what is going on. Reducing the deficit. I read about the deficit. Do you know about the deficit, big guy? Britain’s debt, £1.5 trillion. That is how much the UK owes somebody. £1.5 trillion. I dunno who the fuck we owe that to, but… Surely they’ve gave up on it? Surely… Surely when it hit the trillion mark, they must have been having their doubts about ever seeing it back. I’ve enjoyed Greece. I like their attitude. That is how you treat debt. [Audience cheers] Having a great time. It’s got to the end. Everybody is on their case, the IMF, the EU. They are just telling them to go and fuck themselves. Well done, Greece. Angela Merkel on the phone going fucking mental. Greece have just got her on loudspeaker, just laughing at her. Sitting drinking bottles of ouzo, letting her shout at them. [German accent] “You must make the repayment now!” “240 billion euros.” Going through their books on Greek philosophy, trying to quote their way out of the mess. Angela, as Socrates says, “He is richest who is content with least.” That is a fucking beauty, man. Any more? Or as Epicurus said, “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, Angela.” “Here, let me talk to her.” Or as Plato says, “You’re not getting it, you fucking cow.” Good on them. Everybody knows somebody like Greece. I’ve got mates like Greece. They are likeable, but you don’t lend them money unless you’re prepared to deal with the shite when you try and get it back. They are saying that, Johnny, Greece actually accused Germany of owing Greece 279 billion euros because of the Nazi occupation in the 1940s. Fucking classic tactics. “Oh, we were not gonna mention it, Angela, but since you are chasing us up…” We are paying it back, £1.5 trillion, that is the plan. Reduce the deficit. The deficit means you spend too much money. Don’t bring enough money in. Tory solution, make cuts. I think we just need to start making some more fucking money. All these billionaire psychos putting their taxes into the Cayman Islands. They tell you that as if the money is irretrievable. Fucking invade the Cayman Islands. Get it back. What the fuck are the Cayman Islands gonna do about it? Instead of going after disabled people and fucking single parents. That takes balls. That takes balls, George Osborne, Ian Duncan Smith… ..looking through disabled people’s doors, “This is your fucking fault, mate, you. We could go after tax-avoiding multinationals. We could go after Vodafone, Starbucks, Amazon, Google, Gary Barlow, but it is your fucking fault. You.” “You’re going back to work, mate. We don’t give a fuck how disabled you are. Oh, you’re paralysed from the neck down. We don’t give a fuck, mate. There will be a farm out there looking for a scarecrow. Fucking go to the farm.” Got people checking for the offside flag on that joke there. Maybe an extreme example, but that’s… That is their ideal world, cutting benefits, and people fall for it. People believe it. Moaning, you see them on Facebook. You discover through Facebook you hate your own fucking aunties. Aye. Reading their shite. “I have worked… I have worked my whole life and I’ve worked two jobs since I’ve been 12 years old and I think it’s a disgrace that these people are sitting on their fat arses… They are spending their dole cheques on alcohol and cigarettes. It’s a downright disgrace. You’re missing the point, man. They are spending it on alcohol and cigarettes, highly taxable goods. The country is getting it back. These people are reinvesting. These people are the heroes in this mess. It’s not poor people spending, it’s fucking rich people saving, that is the problem. The money is there, just need to give it to people that will fucking spend it. I would put the dole up. I would make the dole a grand a week. That is how you kick-start an economy. Every bit of it would get spent. You can see it on Black Friday, poor people. Imagine them on £1,000 a week. The country would be fucking bouncing. Not one penny going offshore or into your savings account. “Let’s get fucking tattoos, man.” People arriving at the job centre in taxis to sign on. “Just keep your meter running, my man. I’ll be five minutes.” “That is the dole up to a grand a week, Denise. Do you still want your tits done?” “Aye, we’ll get the hot tub. Fuck it, why not?” Grand a week. I’ve made a bit of dosh, thanks to you people. I have fucking moved on. I’ve made some cash. I’m on the property ladder. That’s what I done, I bought a house off a neurologist. That builds an inferiority complex. I’m showing up to buy his gaff in a fucking Super Dry hoodie. Guy is giving me the tour. Showing me his PhD. “That’s nice, mate.” We’ll get that down and get that painting of dogs playing poker up there. I grew up in a council house. I grew up in Clydebank. A lot of people know that. Famous place. Famous for Wet Wet Wet… Marti Pellow, He’s the only guy who ever left Clydebank to become a heroin addict. But I’m in the West End. I’m in the nice bit, in the city. I’m living. I’m living with the great and the good. It’s where I live. I’ve been there for a few years. But it’s never quite become my bit. I mean… you’ve got where you stay and you’ve got your bit. Eh? That make sense? There is where you live and there is your bit. It’s not… I don’t know if it will ever become my bit. I see the kids whose bit it is. – I hear them shouting on each other. – “Sebastian.” “Sebastian, we’re over here. Sebastian.” I hear a name like Sebastian, I’m hoping to look up and see a dalmatian. Not this wee fucking git. Sebastian making his grand entrance with his purple blazer on. His perm wafting in the wind. A cello on his back. They call me “Mr Bridges,” the kids in my street. I don’t feel intimidated phys… I feel intellectually intimidated by the gangs of youth in my street. “Mr Bridges, how are we? How are we, Mr Bridges? The family and I sat down to one of your performances on the television over the festive period, Mr Bridges.” “A tad coarse in places.” “However, I would be lying if I said I didn’t allow myself a chuckle, Mr Bridges.” A wee guy. I’m out of my fucking depth, trying to talk to him! I’m having to raise my game to talk to a ten-year-old. I can’t have a normal, older-guy-to-a-wee-guy conversation. Who’s the best fighter in your school, then, Sebastian? “I’m the chair of the school debating team, Mr Bridges. There have been a few heated exchanges, but we’ve not quite come to blows… yet.” His wee pal’s beside him. Fucking deseeding a pomegranate with his fruit knife. I still wear trainers and stuff. I never knew that was frowned upon, wearing sports gear. Unless you’re off to participate in a sporting activity. I still wear shorts and trainers, any excuse. I’ve got a neighbour who always looks at me, always looking me up and down. “Off to the gym, Kevin? Off to the gym?” I said, “Mate, why do you always ask me if I’m off to the gym?” “It was just when I seen your trainers and sports top. Off to the gym, no?” No. I’m off to the garage to buy a Wispa, mate. It’s not a fucking black-tie event, mate. I try and blend in. I’m quite a friendly guy. I’ve got a dog, for example. That’s how you get to know your new neighbours. You become part of your local dogging community. I got a dog. That’s your buddy. I got a dog. In the park, dogs are there. Other dogs come over and start to play with your dog. You pat the other dog and you get talking to the owner. Quite a sociable experience. I’m in the park, my dog’s there. Another dog came over, began to play with my dog, began sniffing my dog’s arse. Sniffing away. Having a fucking great time. I’m patting the other dog and I says to him, “Who’s this?” That’s dog walker talk for, “What is your dog’s name?” That’s how you strike up a bit of chat. I said, “Who’s this?” And the guys goes, “This here is Diego.” I thought, “Naming the dog after Diego Maradona, mate. “That will explain the sniffing, then, right?” I thought that was the ideal thing to say. Fucking hilarious, I’ve got a voice in my head, going, “Superb, Kev.” “An exemplary piece of patter. This will be your bit in no time, Kev. I’m asking his dog for the paw of God, thinking this guy’s is going to spread the word. “Yeah, I met Kevin Bridges in the park. The guy’s funny as fuck, even off duty.” “The man’s a scream.” But the guy says, “No, the dog’s not named after Diego Maradona. We named him after Diego Rivera, the post-Impressionist, 19th-century, Mexican, protest painter.” This was a game changer. I had fucking nothing for the guy. Wow. I looked him right in the eye. “I cannot believe you’ve just done that to me, mate. I don’t know what to say. I’ve never felt so homesick.” A voice in my head going, “This is not your bit, Kev, go home. You don’t belong here. You’re a fucking fraud. The sniffing patter, that might cut it down your bit. This is the upper echelons of society. You think you’re going to get away with that up here? Even his dog is looking at your dog as if my da just fucking clamped your da.” And he just carried on with his day. And I’m left on my phone, having to Google this arsehole. Under pressure. Another fucking thing I do not know has just been exposed. I’m on Wikipedia reading about this guy. “Diego Rivera was a Mexican painter known for his large wall works in the style of fresco.” I don’t know what that means. Let’s go back to the start, Kevin. Let’s concentrate. Learning is fun. Come on. This is the kind of shit you need to know to hold conversations up in this park. “Diego Rivera was a Mexican…!” You know what a Mexican is – Tequila, sombreros… Remember that big fajita? Remember that big blunt you rolled? Mexicans would love you, Kev. “Mexican painter…” You know what a painter is. You’re Uncle Kenny’s a painter. Remember Uncle Kenny? He used to always sneak you and your cousins a can at Christmas, remember?” “Uncle Kenny, how come Auntie Denise lives in New Zealand?” “Drink your fucking can, son.” Remember Uncle Kenny? “Known for his large wall works in the style of fresco.” I don’t know what “fresco” means? But Fresco is highlighted in blue, meaning it’s got its own Wikipedia page. Why not make an afternoon out of it? I click on that line. I’ve not even made it through the opening sentence of Diego Rivera’s Wikipedia page and I’m on another Wikipedia page, reading about fresco. “Fresco is a technique of mural painting “executed upon wet or freshly-laid lime plaster.” I don’t know what lime plaster is, but that is also highlighted in blue. “Click on that one, Kevin. Is there anything that you do fucking know, Kev?” “Lime plaster is a type of plaster composed of hydrated lime, water and sand. “Lime plaster is different from -” Why are you reading this, Kevin? You’re supposed to be reading about Diego Rivera. Remember why you came here. You went to fresco, now you’re onto lime plaster. You’ve got fucking ADD. I’m Googling, “Have I got Attention Deficit Disorder?” I’m taking the University of Maryland’s six short questions to determine if I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I’m about to diagnose myself with a mental health condition because of this fucking phone, this tadger and his wee shitey dog. Even my dog is looking at me, as if, “Get over it, Kev. Hurry up and throw that tennis ball.” Give me a minute, Annie. I’m not well. I’m mentally ill. Please be patient. I need your support just now, dog. Taking the test. The University of Maryland’s six short questions to determine if I have Attention Deficit Disorder. “Do you sometimes struggle with the final parts of a project “once the challenging parts have been finalised? All of the time; most of the time; some of… Ten celebrities you didn’t know were gay.” Don’t give in, Kevin. Don’t click on it. Don’t fucking click on it. Don’t… “14 reasons you’re always tired.” I’m always tired. I think I might have that chronic fatigue syndrome. Fucking finish the ADD test. How the fuck can I finish the ADD test if I’ve got ADD? I went back. I read about Rivera. I got tooled up on this guy. Educated myself. “Diego Rivera was born in 1886. Rivera began painting at the age of three years old, a year after the death of his twin brother. Rivera would paint on his bedroom walls. His parents, rather than chastising him, installed chalkboards and canvas on the walls to encourage his gift. At the age of just ten years old, Rivera was accepted into the San Carlos Academy of Fine Art in Mexico City, where he studied until 1907 before moving to Europe, where he became friends with Pablo Picasso.” I’ve got fucking shit loads… [Applause] Off to the gym. I’ve lost a bit of weight. I don’t know if anybody noticed that. Lost a bit. People worry about you in this city when you lose weight. I had a guy shout, “For fuck’s sake, Kev, have you got AIDS?” Which is… just a local way of saying, “Looking sharp, Kev. You’ve been working it.” I’ve got a jaw. Look at that. I’ve never had a fucking jaw in my life. I’ve always been fat. I was fat my whole life, right through school. This has been a long time coming. I was 18 stone when I was 18. I was fat. At school, that was tough. Sitting in a plastic chair at school at the end of every class, knowing that there was going to be a sea of sweat that’s been separating the two hemispheres of your arse. Sitting beside the lassie that you fancied, having to do that slide, trying to wipe it as you’re getting up. It was tough. I was fat at school. I was the first in my class to get tits. It’s hard. Going swimming on a school trip. “No. I’ll just keep my t-shirt on. The water’s dead cold. I’m all right, I’ll swim with my t-shirt on.” I went to a guy. 18, that’s when I first addressed the problem. 18 stone. I went to the gym. A real gym. You know, the big, proper gym guys. The real fucking big tanks. This new breed of man that you get. You know, the big mammals, the big protein bastards. With the big beard, covered in tattoos. Did I create you in a PlayStation game? The big guys. You work in the Carphone Warehouse, but they’re training for the apocalypse. Convinced their best mate’s shagging their missus and they’re training for the day they can finally prove it. And that’s what puts fat people off the gym. These guys take it too far. “Only God can judge me.” I’m standing here judging you, you big fucking bell end. I went to the guy and said, “Look, mate, I’m trying to lose a bit of weight.” The guy goes, “It’s all about nutrition. It’s all about nutrition. Do whatever you want in here, but it’s all about nutrition.” You can’t out-train a bad diet.” And he asked me what I had for breakfast. “What did you have for breakfast this morning?” Instantly, I’m thinking I’d better say something that I never had for breakfast this morning. Make a good impression by this big fucking mammal. I said, “Oh, I had fruit, mate. A bowl of fruit. The guy’s going, “Fruit in the morning, that’s got to go. Fruit in the morning, very high in sugar, you need to lose that.” I’m like, “Fruit, mate. That’s bad for you now, fucking fruit. Fruit. I never had a bowl of fruit, but as far as you’re aware I did have a bowl of fruit. So I should be commended. I had a fucking Terry’s Chocolate Orange, mate.” “You’ve no idea how low I would stoop for breakfast. Cold peshwari naan with Nutella on it. I’ve been there, mate. And you’re on my case about fucking fruit!” “I used to have four raspberry ice poles and a Wham bar for breakfast “at half-past eight every morning for six years. And a roll on sausage at half-past ten. A pizza crunch and chips at 12 o’clock, a can of Coke and then fucking Astro Belts on the way home. Fucking fizzy cola bottles, Bikers, Johnny’s Onion Rings, everything. [Audience cheering] Then you get home for Crispy Pancakes, oven chips, potato waffles, croquettes. “Yellow, mate. That was the only colour I would eat – yellow.” “And you’re on my case about fruit.” I never said that cos the guy would punch fuck out of me, but I was thinking that. I said, “All right, I’ll cut out the fruit.” The guy gave me a diary to fill in. A food diary, that’s a step too far. Submitting handwritten lies to somebody. He’s telling me all these foods to cut out. “Carbohydrates – you shouldn’t eat this shit. Eat this sort of stuff.” I’m filling in my food diary. On the Internet, reading about superfoods. Trying to impress the big man. Monday morning, I had avocado. Avocado. Hey, what the fuck’s avocado, in case this guy asks me? You have it on toast? He’ll go off his head if I say toast. I’ll just say I had avocado. How many? How many? Five? Five avocado. Fuck it, I’ll put ten. Ten avocado. Show the guy I’m serious about it. Ten avocado. Monday morning – breakfast. Then I had almonds and blueberries and beetroot. Beetroot, that’s a super food, isn’t it? A jar of beetroot, mate. Got a spoon, rattled the lot. Mm! Then I had quinoa. Quinoa. Am I saying that right? Quinoa? What the fuck is quinoa? Quinoa? What the fuck is that? Click on images. It’s a powder. Snorted a couple of lines of quinoa. And then I had oily fish and I really felt it reducing my risk of Alzheimer’s. And the guy’s gone, “This is great. Kev. Is this the truth?” I said, “No, mate. The truth would break your fucking heart. I’ll tell you the truth.” “I lasted two meals without carbohydrates and I thought I was going fucking insane.” “I’ve never felt so angry. I had to get off the couch and just lie on the floor, staring at the ceiling, trying to take myself to a happier place, fantasising about carbohydrates. I never knew what a carbohydrate was until you told me to cut them out. And then you grassed them all up.” I’m lying there. “Oh, I would love a spaghetti toastie right now. Mm, how good would that be? Or a baked potato with rice in the middle.” “And I could put that on a sandwich. When was the last time I had that?” Piece on baked totty and rice, eh? Mm! With a wee spaghetti toastie chaser. Oh, yes.” “Then I crumbled, mate. I went rampaging through my own kitchen. In the freezer, there was a tub of Ben & Jerry’s that had been there for months. And because it had been there for so long, the little wooden spoon that you get inside a tub of Ben & Jerry’s had bent and snapped on impact on the ice cream. So I had to put the tub of Ben & Jerry’s in the microwave. Now… I left it in the microwave a bit longer than I should have done and the ice cream melted. So, rather than have just a few wooden spoonfuls as I had initially intended, I drank the fucking lot, mate.” I never knew how to fit that in to Monday evening’s column. It’s too extreme. If you’re fat, you’re at a tremendous advantage when it comes to losing weight. Bear that in mind. I was 18 stone at 18. Now I’m 28 and I’m 14 stone. Right, that’s four stone… I’ve lost. [Audience cheering] Thank you. To those of you applauding that you’re applauding a man who’s lost four stone… in just ten years. Admittedly, a pretty difficult diet to market. I’m not gonna get on the front cover of Reveal with that story. How I shifted four stone in just ten years. A before and after photograph. There’s me with a fucking school uniform on in the before. Simple. Simple changes, that’s what you need to make. That’s what the four-stone-in-ten-years programme encourages. Small steps. Don’t have McCoys, have Quavers. Simple changes. You don’t need to go to bed with a two-litre bottle of Fanta and a tube of Pringles every night. Small changes. You don’t need to lose junk food. Just Google it first. “What is healthy to eat from the Chinese?” Go on. Yahoo answers. Ignore the top answer. Some nutritionist from the University of Arkansas: “All Chinese food is usually fried. There’s always very large portions. It usually contains a chemical called mono-sodium glutamate, which is highly addictive and fattening.” Fuck all. Just keep scrolling down. Keep scrolling until you find what you want to find. What about this guy? “Sweet and sour chicken is quite healthy, as long as you peel the batter off at least three of the chicken bones.” “If you’re putting fried rice on a prawn cracker, don’t have a lid. Just have the one prawn cracker.” It’s these simple changes that will help you shift four stone in just ten years. Then the rest comes. Then you can exercise. Then you adopt a dog. That’s your exercise buddy. Get up the Dogs Trust. Get a dog that’s done a bit of jail time. Adopt a rescue dog. Get up there. It’s like The Shawshank Redemption. Two dogs to a cell. Younger dog trying to impress you. Older dog at the back, playing its harmonica. Scraping a cup up and down the cell. Sneering at the younger dog. “You’re never getting out of here, boy.” I could wake that dog up, having a wee dog dream, lying there. One hand on the belly. We’ll go on a jog to Edinburgh. Fuck it, let’s go on a fucking jog to Edinburgh. Let’s jog back as well, me and my fucking pal. You’ve got hobbies. I took up tennis. I tried that. I lasted one night. I show up at the local tennis club. Guy goes, “Yeah, you’re on court No.4.” “We need bats, mate.” You don’t have racquets? Of course we don’t have racquets since it’s my first night at a new hobby. “I’ve got a bottle of Lucozade and a fiver, mate. That’s all you bring.” Everybody knows that’s all you bring at your first night at a new hobby.” Trying to play tennis, you end up losing the plot. Trying to serve, you end up just meeting up at the net to discuss rule changes. “Will we just make it?” becomes the theme of the evening. Will we just make it? You can serve underarm and it can bounce anywhere. Instead of 15, 30, 40, we’ll just make it one-nil, two-nil, three-nil… And your pal starts beating you as if he’s fucking great at it. Starts offering you feedback. “I’ve noticed you’re lifting your head.” “Fuck you! As if you’re any fucking good at it!” That’s the sport here, innit? Tennis. Andy Murray, he’s fucking changed this place. Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve thought? Scotland becoming a tennis country! Who would’ve thought? It’s the working man’s sport, innit? You walk into a rough pub in Glasgow and there’s tennis on. Volatile atmosphere. “No tennis!” signs up all over the pub. Guys arguing long into the night. “You’re gonna sit there, Del, and tell me that Nalbandian would beat Djokovic on a clay court!” Derek, you’re embarrassing yourself. That’s how stereotypes change. Northern Ireland, they’re into golf. Have we got any Belfast in? One guy there. Good man. Bel… Where are you from? Belfast? Where is he? You, mate. You. What’s your name? – Ian. – Ian? Ian. That’s a fucking accent, innit? They make us sound like Michael Bublé. There’s a bomb in the biscuit tin. – How long have you been in Glasgow, Ian? – Since 1985. Since 1985? You just got fed up with… shite weather, religious intolerance. You thought, “Fuck this! I’m off to Glasgow!” Good man. ’85! 1985! The first time I was in Belfast, the hotel I was staying was beside an ’80s bar. I thought that was funny. Ian, an ’80s bar – in Belfast! Of all the cities in the world where you don’t want to go and celebrate the ’80s. What the fuck goes on in there? People rubbing shite on the walls? Petrol bombs getting chucked across the dance floor? “Who gives a fuck? Karma Chameleon’s on! Yeah!” “I’m a man without conviction.” No, it’s changed hasn’t it, Ian? Golf, that’s the sport. Tennis, Scotland. Golf, Northern Ireland: Rory McIlroy, Darren Clarke. They’ve ditched the guns, bought golf clubs. Progress. They’re still chucking the odd petrol bomb, but they’re shouting, “Fore!” You know, giving each other a bit of… A bit of support. A bit of feedback on their game. What you’ve gotta do there, picture the shot first. Get that fucking police station in your sites there. Just stand. Shoulders straight. Bend your fucking knees. I waited for you. Well, I’ll be fat again. Don’t worry, I’ll be fat. I’ll be back. I’m looking sharp, but I’ll be back. I’m one all-inclusive holiday away from fucking meltdown. Don’t worry. I’ll be back. Did you go on your holidays this year? Big guy? – Aye. – Aye. – Aye. Where did you go, sir? – Majorca. Majorca. You and the good lady, was it? Aye. Good man. Any big holiday arguments, no? Aye. A few. Get the camera on ’em. Let’s dig some dirt here. That’s tradition. When you go with your missus, a big holiday bust-up. Big fucking 35-degree argument. Carrying a five-litre bottle of water and a lilo up a hill. Your flip-flops keep falling back down the fucking hill. Eventually, just booting them off. “Fucking flip-flops. The pavement’s too warm. Where’s my fucking flip-flops? You get that one! I’ll get that one! Five litres?! How many times are we gonna brush our fucking teeth on this holiday, anyway?” Or a water park. That’s it. If your relationship can survive a water park argument, that’s love. Sitting on a big, inflatable yellow ring. Trying to get the last word in before you begin your sharp decline. “I’m an arsehole? Well, who fucking paid for the holida-a-a-ay?” And you need to wait on the other one coming down. The two of you buzzing. The adrenaline’s going. Put your ring back. You’ve cheered up, but you’re fucked if you’re letting your face know you’ve cheered up. “I’m going to enjoy this bad mood. I’ve worked hard all year for this bad mood.” Even if something funny happens. You’ve got white shorts. They’re wet. Everybody can see your arse cheeks and your pubes. It’s funny, is it? What, nobody here’s seen an arse before? How mature? How mature? I never knew guys shaved their pubes. I don’t give a fuck. Ha-ha! Everybody laugh at me, for fuck’s sake! I like a bit of Spain. Any Spanish in? Aye! Aye? You, mate? You?! What part of Spain? Fucking Shettleston? “Aye”? – What’s your name, sir? – Stevie. Stevie? Stevie from Spain? Stevie… Good man, Stevie. How long have you been in Scotland, Stevie? Aye, we’ll give up there. We peaked at that, Stevie. Busted. Well, that’s you on the telly now, Stevie, Christmas Day. He’ll rent this DVD, gets coked up and puts that DVD on again. Fuck’s sake! “So, he goes, like, anybody from Spain?” I’m like, “Aye! Me!” “Rewind it. Watch it again. Everyone, get in the living room! Watch this!” Very funny, Stevie. Very fucking funny, buddy. Spain. I like Spain. I like the cultural side. Siesta. I like that shit. You get to go for a lie down in the afternoon. It’s called a “siesta” in Spain. When you go for a lie down in the afternoon in Scotland, it’s called depression. People start worrying about you if you go for a siesta in this country. “Is the big man all right? Aye? Is he all right?” “Have you spoke to him? Have you tried to talk to him about it?” “It’s a lot of siestas he’s going for.” I like my siesta on holiday. That’s the best bit, innit? I don’t go on mental holidays any more. Don’t go with my mates. I’ve got bomb scare pals that don’t know when to shut the fuck up. It wears thin after a few years, turning up dodgy side streets in a foreign country. People try to sell you shit. You’ve got mates that don’t know when to shut the fuck up and keep walking. Hookers everywhere. “I suck your dick? I suck your dick?” “I’ll suck your dick, hen!” “Well done, Barry boy. That’s us all getting shot, mate! Well done!” I like the bit when you’re getting fuck all done. The bit between six o’clock and before you need to go out for the night. You’ve done the pool during the day. You’re in. That’s it. The siesta. Lying on the sofa bed in the apartment with prickly heat. Watching The Simpsons in Spanish. Eating the local crisps. Listening to how much of a fucking fruitcake Homer sounds in Spanish. “I’ll go in the shower in a minute. I think Homer’s gonna slit somebody’s throat here.” They’re nice, their crisps. Here, get some of their crisps. Ruffles “jamon” flavour. I went on a cultural break. Tried that. Done New York, all that stuff. You get dragged round tourist attractions. A lot more pressure on yourself to actually go and do shit. Looking at stuff, knowing you should be enjoying it. Statue Of Liberty. “Wow! That’s exactly how I fucking thought it would look.” Having to take your photograph. You don’t realise how much shite you photograph until you go somewhere good. Or your phone runs out of memory. Standing on top of the Empire State Building, deleting fry-ups. I’ve got an app called What’sApp. Right, all the kids have got it. People send you… People send you pictures and videos and it just saves straight to your phone. It’s horrific shit people send. And I never knew I had a video of a guy fucking a hoover on my phone… ..until I was showing my mother my holiday photographs. I’m flicking through them, giving my wee commentary. “That was us on the first night. That’s a view from the hotel, Mum. That was a wee Italian restaurant. That’s where Harry met Sally. The pastrami sandwich was nae very nice. That’s a guy… Cracking holiday, Mum. I’d definitely recommend…” Of course you watch it. If a guy has took the time to fuck a hoover, I will take the time to watch a guy fuck a hoover. Lying, watching it. Have you ever seen your own reflection on your phone? You see how tragic you look at these moments. Lying on your couch. Big double chin. Fucking dead behind the eyes. Your life is ending just watching a guy fuck a hoover. Is that a Henry or a Henrietta he’s fucked now? And you need to reply to your mate that sent it. H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A. And then the emoticons. There’s that wee guy that fucking cries with laughter. 15 of them, mate. Projectile tears of laughter are leaving my eyes, mate. There we go. Ha-ha-ha! I was at New York, getting dragged into museums. Trying so hard to enjoy it. There’s that voice in there going, “Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite.” Trying so hard. “It’s not shite, Kevin. Show some respect.” “It’s fucking shite. It’s an art gallery full of shite. “Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite.” Listening to the tour guide. “This is 300 years old. This was donated to the museum.” I thought, “Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite.” “And you’re fortunate the Tutankhamun exhibit is here for six weeks only.” Trust me to land that fucking six weeks, eh? How shite will that be? Tutankhamun, the King of Egypt at 21. I bet he was a wee wank. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Come on, Kevin, you’re better than this. Let’s see a show of strength. “Excuse me, mate. Is that a Diego Rivera?” “You don’t know who he is?” You’ve found a victim, Kev. All that hard work. Give him it. Both barrels. “Never heard of Diego Rivera, mate? Never seen Dreams Of A Sunday Afternoon In The Alameda? Arguably one of Rivera’s most controversial works, my man. Why was it controversial? Well, because it depicted Don Ignacio Ramírez holding a placard that said, “God does not exist.” The work caused uproar, but Rivera refused to remove the placard until nine years later, stating that he doesn’t have to hide behind Don Ignatio Ramírez to show his own atheist views and that he believes all religions are a form of collective neurosis.” “You don’t know this shit?” Job done, Kev. Now get to the gift shop. Buy a rubber and fuck off. I travel. I travel a lot. I appreciate my life. Travel. Stay in a lot of hotels. They’ve always got bad news for you, I notice, in hotels. “Unfortunately, sir, the Wi-Fi is only available in the lobby area.” “Well, is it all right to masturbate in the lobby area?” That’s what I say to them. Call them out on it. “I might use your Wi-Fi and your lobby, then, mate. The websites I visit, that is between me and my browsing cookies. Your manager can deal with the inevitable negative reviews on TripAdvisor.” Some stunned couple. “Don’t get me wrong. The rooms were spacious. The location was great. The staff were a delight. Could not fault the food or the facilities. But, on the final night, there was a Scottish bloke ripping the head off it in the lobby. It was bloody disgusting. Nothing subtle about it. He had his denims at his ankles. His feet on the coffee table. He was using both his hands at one point. He was shouting encouragement to himself. He then demanded housekeeping bring him a hoover. It was rather bizarre. Two stars. We won’t be back. Two stars.” The Wi-Fi is fucking killing this world, innit? The Internet? I’m trying to cut loose. I’m trying to cut… I’m trying to stay off it. Driving me fucking nuts. I like technology. I appreciate what the geeks have done for this world. I just don’t like the person that I become as soon as it fails. As soon as it stops working, it sends me fucking into a big, angry primate. I’ve had too many of these rages. I’m quite a peaceful guy. Fucking laptop stopped searching for wireless networks a few weeks ago. That sounds trivial, but that’s enough to send me into a… “Fucking piece of shit!” Fucking shouting at it, cos I’m so out of my depth trying to figure out… Your laptop breaks. You’ve got two options, Johnny. You can hand it to where you bought it, or you can phone up the technical support line. What option would you choose, Johnny? In your own time, Johnny. Well, I phoned up, Johnny. You could hand it in. That’s part of my problem. I’m not wanting to hand this computer into the Apple Store to speak to Marc with a C. With his “Wee genius” T-shirt on. Talking about his band. “Yeah, we’re called Skull Fracture. We’re playing the unsigned tent at T in the Park.” His big, stupid earlobes hanging down. Go on and put your ear rings back in, Marc. Stop putting people off calamari for life. Fucking disgusting. I decided to phone up. The laptop was no longer searching for wireless networks. People are calling it a First World problem. That just makes you angrier. I fucking know it’s a First World problem! That’s why I’m on the phone to the Third World, trying to get it fucking fixed. – Woo! – I phoned up. I’m on the phone. Indonesia. Talking to my man. My man Gavin. He starts asking me questions. I’m telling Gav the issue. Gav’s asking me for my DHCP client ID. I said, “I don’t know what that means, Gav.” Gav told me to click on System Preferences. Then go to Network Settings. And then Advanced Network Settings. He said, in there, you should see an IPV and phone number. From that, you should be able to see your DHCP client ID. I’m fucking getting excited here. Gav’s onto something. I said, “Yes, Gav. I can see a DHCP client ID.” And he’s asking me if it’s configurated or deconfigurated. I said, “Well, Gav, it appears to be deconfigurated.” Gav tells me to click on. I’m already there, Gav. Clicked on Configurated. Done deal. And he goes, “Try again.” I’m so fucking excited, Gav, to try again. I tried again and the laptop connected to the wireless network. I thanked Gav for his time. Then I’m left wondering… My mind is blown. Who the fuck undone that? Like…? I have never been anywhere near that part of the computer before. So what the fuck happened between connecting to wireless networks and not connecting? Did that have an MIT frat party in the living room one night? Did that have Mark Zuckerberg and the boys round for a couple of cans? It’s got a bit out of hand. I fell asleep at six in the morning. And, rather than just shave off my eyebrows, or draw a cock and balls on my face, some prankster has logged into my laptop and fucking deconfigurated my DHCP client ID. We are raising kids in this world… I’m only 28. I still remember the world being a bit simpler. It’s tragic when you hear the children going, “Dad! Dad! Dad, this iPod’s not performing the software update! Dad!” And if I ever become a father, I don’t know if I could handle that. I think I’ll be saying, “Shut the fuck up, you wee tool! Performing a software update? You’re a wee guy. Go up to the loft. Find a golf club. Go outside and chop some jaggy nettles. Go outside! Outside! Go out there! Go and chop some jaggies. You’re a wee guy! You’ve your whole life to perform software updates. Go out there and be bored. Decapitate a few dandelions. Get in the bushes!” “I’ve just been stung by a nettle!” “Well, get a fucking dock leaf, then. Learn some survival tactics. How about a big walk? Just kick a plastic bottle down the street. Be at one with your thoughts. Get a big stick. Get a bit of dog shite on the end. Patrol your bit! Fucking armed with a bit of dog shite on a stick. It’s a rite of passage to any child. Sitting up in your bedroom, getting cyber bullied. Fucking go to his door with a bit of dog shite on a stick.” We need to be bored. Our minds are too occupied. I used to be bored as a child. I was quite a creative wee guy. I was that fucking… I tried to start a boy band. I had mental ideas. In my jotter, “Element Four.” That’s what I called us. I had three mates who I gave aliases to. Air, Fire, Rain, Wind. I told them about my plans. They laughed at me. Called me, “Gay boy!” I thought, “Fuck youse!” I went solo. Big Wind. Going down to the kitchen, grabbing the radio. Up to the bedroom. Blank cassette in. Pressing… Pressing play and record at the same time. With my lyrics that I’d wrote. Big Wind in the studio. ♪ Baby, I’ve been thinking ♪ About you ♪ I think you’re thinking about me too Making sure my Dad’s not there, in case I get fucking leathered. ♪ When you said goodbye ♪ It made me cry, baby-y-y-y Doing the voice that long, your eyes start to water. Really adds a bit to it. ♪ Baby-y-y-y-y Cos I was fucking bored. I enjoyed childhood. Going out on a big walk. Just showing up at your mate’s door. Going in for your mate. Going in for somebody. Just battering their letterbox, unannounced. “All right, Mrs Cassidy. Is Stu in? I’m here to eat every crisp in this house.” “His name’s Stuart, Kevin.” “Where is he? Stoobster!” That’s when you discovered the love you had for your own family. I see the wee dweebs go, “I actually hate my mum and dad.” Fucking get out the house, then! A sleepover. That’s when you discovered how much you loved your own mum and dad. When you went an spent an evening in another family. That was an eye-opener. We need that. The kids are too busy online and they’re socialising to this level. You need to go and spend time in another house. Discover. You’ve got it good. That Saturday morning, returning home to your own house, after a sleepover. Just want to cuddle your mum and dad. As if you’ve just served in Afghanistan. “Mum, come here. Dad, bring it in, big guy! I know I don’t tell you a lot, but I love you. The Cassidys are fucking weirdoes.” Cos it would start off all right. You’d go in for Stu. And you’re up in the bedroom, playing the computer. He’s making you use an unofficial control pad that his gran bought him for Christmas. You’re letting it slide, even though it’s frustrating. You’re through on goal, trying to shoot. “Where’s the square button, Stu? Stu?” “It’s not square, it’s No.9 on that pad.” “Fucking piece of shit! Fuck you, Stu! Fuck you!” And his mum comes into the bedroom. “Kevin, we’re gonna phone a Chinese. Would you like to stay for some Chinese?” Fucking jackpot! “Of course. Of course I’ll stay for some Chinese.” You start to relax. I like this family. I reckon I could be a Cassidy. Everything’s going to plan. Friday night, home delivery. Then you get shouted down the stairs. Made to set the table. They’re setting the table for a home delivery. Again, letting it slide. This is the Cassidys’. It’s not fucking Christmas Day, but maybe they set their table for a home delivery. Then the food arrives. You don’t recognise one fucking thing that they’ve ordered. Not once was I consulted during the ordering process. I know I’m ten. I know I’m a guest, but ordering a home delivery is a democratic process. But again, letting it slide. The dad’s shown you the food. “OK, Kevin, this is the king scallop, Sichuan-style. This is the Kung Pao lamb. This is the sweet and chilli bean curd.” “This is nae Chinese food, Mr Cassidy. Where’s all the yellow shit? Where’s all the chicken balls? Chips? Curry sauce? You’d get fucking laughed out of China for that shite, Mr Cassidy.” Then he starts saying grace. The dad, thanking the Lord for a home delivery! Just fucking tip the delivery driver. Job done. You’re trying to plate yourself up some food. You’re going, “Mr Cassidy, where’s the rice?” “Oh, just give us a few minutes on the rice, Kevin. It shouldn’t be long.” “Oh, they never sent the rice? I hate when that happens, Mr Cassidy.” “Oh, no, no, no. Sheila’s just boiling the rice.” “Oh, they sent it not boiled, Mr Cassidy?” “No, Kevin, they never sent anything. We don’t order rice from the Chinese. Why would we pay £2 for rice when there’s a whole jar of rice on the worktop there? That would just be stupid, wouldn’t it?” Alarm bells are ringing. We’re having fucking house rice! With a home delivery? On a Friday night? We’re having it with house rice? The evening’s took a sinister turn. Glaring across the table at wee Stu. I’m gonna fucking expose you! This is going to finish you, Stu, in school on Monday. This will be your nickname for eternity. It’ll be House Rice. Even if you’re driving a Ferrari. “Oh, he’s driving a Ferrari, is he?” “Who?” “House Rice!” Finished the food. Seen the family. I don’t know if I could be a Cassidy. Then you get made to wash the dishes. “Kevin, why don’t you make a little game of it? Stuart can wash them. You can dry them.” Fucking great game, Mrs Cassidy. Non-stop scream in this house on a Friday night. Maybe we can change ends at half-time, or is that a bit too out there? Then the gran arrives. You get dragged into the living room. “Yeah, we always watch a movie together as a family, Kevin. It’s just our little Friday night thing. Coming in? We’re going to watch The Hand That Rocks The Cradle. Have you seen it, Kevin?” No, Mrs Cassidy but I heard it’s fantastic, heard it’s hilarious. Having to sit watching this. How the fuck do I get out of here? I need to get home. I need home, home. I’m homesick. I’m only four streets away. I’m fucking homesick. “Kevin, just phone your dad and see if you can stay overnight. That would be nice. Have a wee sleepover.” Imagine that, Kev. The overnight package with these freaks. “Kevin, phone your dad.” This is before mobile phones. You had to use the living room phone. The whole family is sitting there. “Phone your dad, Kevin, phone your dad.” The Hand That Rocks The Cradle’s been paused, they’re all listening in. “Ask if you can stay.” You’re on the phone to your dad, solely dependent on your tone to get across to your dad that you’re being held against your will. This is going to take an acting performance, Kev. This is nae a family, this is a cult. “Phone your dad, Kevin.” Trying to get a bit of a lump in the throat. Hoping my dad hears I’m crying, comes and rescues me. “Where are you, Kevin? I’ll come and fucking do them. Where are you, where are you?” It’s ringing, it’s ringing. Hi, Dad? Dad. Dad, is it all right if I stay overnight at Stuart Cassidy’s house? “Of course it is, Kevin, you have a great night.” Your dad’s no fucking getting it at all. Dad, are you sure I’ve got no plans in the morning? I thought I had. You know, I had something on. “Nothing on in the morning, Kevin. It’s Saturday and you’re fucking ten years old, pal. No plans.” That was that, you’d signed up. You were one of them for the evening. “Kevin, un-pause the movie.” I think it’s you that’s got the doofer, Mr Cassidy. “It’s me that’s got the what? The doofer? Is that what you call the remote control, the doofer?” He’s fucking laughing. The ma’s laughing, the whole family, wee House Rice is laughing. They’re all laughing at you. They’re ripping the piss out of you, Kev. “The doofer!” Fucking hook the dad, Kev, hook the dad. Take the whole family out. One jab to the dad. No family recovers from a jab to the dad. “The doofer!” Fucking knock him out, Kev. I’m nudging wee Stu. Want to go up to the bedroom. Want to go up, House Rice, want to go to bed. The dad catches you. “You trying to get Stuart to go to bed with you? Is there something you’re not telling us?” You’re on thin ice, Mr Cassidy, you old bastard. Eventually, up to the bedroom. Wee House Rice just goes to sleep straightaway. You’re left alone, on his floorboards, inside a Scooby Doo sleeping bag. You haven’t even got a pillow, you’ve got a cushion off the couch, with the zip on your neck, haven’t you? Turn it… Alone, breathing in their family smell, their house smell. The whole family smell the same. I recognise that smell. That’s the way he smells when I sit beside him in school. I wonder if he stunk out the house or the house stunk him out. Wonder what came first. Listening to these noises. How fucking loud is your bedroom clock, House Rice? Ticking away ever second. It is torture. I need out of here. I wonder what time I can leave here. Do you think five in the morning’s a bit early? That’s the target, Kev, five in the morning. Anybody catches you trying to leave – “Are you not going to stay for breakfast, Kevin?” Wonder what you get for breakfast in this shit-hole, wonder. “What would you like for your breakfast, Kevin?” Maybe some eggy bread. “Eggy bread, is that what you call French toast?” All that shite starts again. All the fucking House Rices laughing at you. “You’re not going to stay, Kevin? We’re having Alpen. Do you like Alpen?” Yes, Mrs Cassidy, I love nothing better on a Saturday morning than a big bowl of Alpen. That’s what gets me through the week. Mm! Get something in that frying pan, you fucking boot. Ladies and gentlemen of Glasgow, thank you for listening. Been a pleasure talking to you. Top crowd. Take care of yourselves. Thank you. Good night. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you. Cheers to you, mate. Cheers to Johnny. Thank you. Good night, take care. Get back. Get fucking back. It’s become a hostage situation, there at the back. Get back. Back. You at the door, back, back, back, back. This is it. You’re supposed to leave that bit much longer when you go off stage but there’s a big flight of stairs there and I just… What’s the point? You go all the way down, you go all the way back up. So, I’m back. Nice crowd, man. You all right? Yes. Can you get what? A selfie. I’m kind of busy the noo, hen, but yes. There you go. There you go. Top crowd. What a venue, man. Wow, I’d love to be a priest up here. ♪ A… A… men ♪ Our Lord the Saviour ♪ Pray for our souls. A… Amen Bit of religion in Glasgow, eh? How could this backfire? ♪ Amen Believe in the Lord, Johnny? Yes, you do. Good, good. Good man. I don’t, man. I don’t know. I grew up a Catholic. Don’t really give a fuck these days, maybe. Maybe go to chapel Christmas Day, Easter Sunday. One of them Catholics that go to the big games. I mean… I’m no’ going to go to the league matches but I’ll go to the cup final. Back to the old priest, talking about Jesus. ♪ When he comes back, when he comes back ♪ The second coming of the Lord, Jesus Christ Coming back? How fucking long have we given the guy, man? 2015! I think it’s fair to say Jesus has fucked off, innit? He’s found new pals, he’s ditched us. The millennium, that was a turning point for a lot of people. Jesus never showed up at his own 2,000th. That’s not your 40th or your 21st, that’s the 2,000th. I picture the guy, Jesus, what he’d be like in his Second Coming. Imagine the ego on that guy. Arguing with night-club bouncers. Do you know who my dad is? Don’t care who your dad is, pal, you’re no’ getting in with sandals on. Bringing religion into football, that backfired. Why don’t you bring religion into football? That’ll bring people back to their place of worship. Get the tunes a bit better. ♪ Give him a loaf, give him a fish ♪ Jesus of Nazareth, he’ll serve up a dish Jesus! Ah, the Yank asked me about the Old Firm before. People exaggerate it a wee bit. Danny Dyer, all those guys. An American, he’s gone, “Man, is it fucking true, man, that if you walk into the wrong fucking bar in Glasgow on soccer day…” Soccer day! Don’t laugh at the guy. Sorry, Duane, continue. He goes, “I heard this one story, man, this guy had the wrong T-shirt on and the other team’s fans walked over and they didn’t beat the shit out of him. Instead, they fucking grabbed him by the ears and sucked on one of his eyeballs… It was like some disrespect, some tribal shit. That fucking go on, man, over a soccer match?” It would fucking break my heart to deny that. I said, yes, Duane, sadly. I have seen many a match marred by such incidents. An Old Firm game, the whole stadium sitting with fucking monocles in. Did they get you, as well, Kenny? I couldnae believe it, mate. Never drinking there again, man. Oh, he’s got contact lenses, the Fenian bastard! Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, it genuinely means a lot to see so many people. 16 nights, very humbling. Thank you, good people, for that. I’d just like to… Thank you. Yes. I done my… I done my first-ever show when I’d just left school, 17. My dad was there. My mum and dad are here. It’s their 40th wedding anniversary. So, lots of love to them. Thanks for everything. Thank you, Andy. Thanks very much. Good night, Glasgow, take care. Thank you! Cheers. Thank you, good night, cheers. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/carlin-at-carnegie-transcript/ | Carlin at Carnegie (1983) – Full Transcript | carlin at | Recorded at Carnegie Hall, New York City in 1982, released in 1983. Everybody’s heard the old joke how do you get to Carnegie Hall; practice, man, practice. Well, like most people, I did all my practicing at home in my own neighborhood. I grew up on the Upper West Side of New York City, General Grant was one of my neighbors. I had a lot of fun in my neighborhood, I did a lot of practicing. And sooner or later, I just wanted to get downtown to show them what I could do. And I had to find out how to get there. In New York City if you don’t know how to get somewhere, all you gotta do is ask somebody, they’ll tell ya, even if they don’t know. Hey, tell me something, you got a second? Uh-huh. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? I don’t know, I gonna really tell you. I don’t know how to get to Carnegie Hall. Yeah, you from around here? Uh, yeah, I live right there, man. I don’t even know where I am now, how the hell could I tell you how to get to Carnegie Hall. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? From here? Well, no, from the moon. Take the bus up on the corner there down to 57th Street, get off there, that’s a block walk. Can’t I take the subway here? Got a gun permit? Take the plane. Take the plane? The 59th Street plane? Well, that depends on which way you wanna go. Well, all I can say, you can take a car down there. Take the bus, it’ll leave you right in front of there. Okay. I don’t know the number, but I get there. Jump on a cab, tell the man to take you downtown, you ain’t got no bread, just jump out. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Yeah. Well, if you don’t have a car, you use subway. And then if you don’t have money, you hop the turnstile. You hop… Hop the turnstile. Then if you’re for real, you go to court. As you can see, not everybody agrees on how to get there. Now, when I was a kid, if you wanted to get somewhere, you had to take whatever ride was available. I believe my ride has just arrived. We want George, we want George, we want George… Hi there, how are you? Hello there. How you doing? Good evening everybody. Hello there. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, good evening, my name is George Carlin, and I am a professional comedian, as opposed to the kind you run into at work all day long. It’s nice being a comedian, there are, uh, certain advantages, naturally. And a few disadvantages, there are some drawbacks to being a comedian. No one on death row has ever said, “Before I die, I wanna talk to a comedian.” You ever hear anyone at the scene of an accident say, “Quick, call a comedian, for God sakes!” But it would be kind of fun at an accident to push your way through the crowd and say, “May I be of help, I’m a professional comedian.” And sooner or later, at least once in your life, when the policeman says to you, “What are you, a comedian?” You’ve gotta look him right in the eye and say, actually, yes. Even criminals have no respect for comedians. What do they say, first thing they do when they hold you up? “Don’t try anything funny. First one makes a funny move gets it.” Whenever they’re not looking I go. Well, that’s my job, thinking up goofy shit. Thinking up goofy shit, coming around every now and then, letting you know what it is, or reminding you of things you already know, but forgot to laugh at the first time they happened. We all have things like that, you hear it during the day and then you don’t remember it at all. For instance, I’ve noticed they have disposable douche, and I’m wondering who would want to keep it in the first place! I do have a lot, some not a lot, but I have some notes over here, and, uh, the reason for that is I haven’t been doing this lately, I want to make sure I know and remember everything tonight. I’ve been taking a little time off, six months I think I took, uh, three of them, uh, quite voluntarily, and the other three quite against my will. I had a heart attack, or as they say in Boston, I had a heart attack. He had a heart attack, you hear about George? He had a goddamn myocardial infarction. I had a heart attack. Fortunately, my pharmacist, my cardiologist and my doctor give me CPR. But I would like to bring you up to date, uh, on the comedian’s health sweepstakes. As it stands right now, I lead Richard Prior in heart attacks, two to one. I am ahead, I am ahead, that’s right. Now, however, Richard still leads me one to nothing on burning yourself up. Well, the way it happened was, first Richard had a heart attack, then I had a heart attack, then Richard burned himself up, then I said fuck that, I’m gonna have another heart attack. I had an interesting morning, got into an argument… got into an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard “Snap, crackle, fuck him.” I don’t know which one of them said it, I was reaching for the artificial sweetener and was not looking directly into the bowl. But I told them, I said, well, you can all just sit right there in the milk, far as I’m concerned you can sit in the milk until I find out which one of you said that. A little mass punishment for my breakfast food. The idea is to turn them against one another. Just sit in the milk, far as I’m concerned. Silly me, big punishment, that’s what they do anyway, Sit in the milk. That’s their job. That’s Rice Krispies’ job, sitting in the milk. You’ve seen them, haven’t you? Floating along, little beige blisters of air, riding proudly in the milk. But you can’t sink them, they float for a long time. And you know why, they stay together. They gather together in little groups, little groups of eight, ten, twelve, sometimes fourteen, but always an even number if you’ve noticed. It’s the polarity of the Krispies that attracts them. They form little colonies of Rice Krispies. But you can’t sink them, you try to sink them with a spoon, they come up over the sides. You can’t sink them, that’s what the fruit is for, sinking the Rice Krispies. Good size peach will take down 80 or 90 of them. If I’m really pissed, I’ll drop a watermelon on them. But I say interesting about my morning ’cause it was, it’s not… I don’t have a nice day anymore. I don’t bother much with that. I think I’m beyond that now, I think I’ve outgrown the nice day. I think I’ve had my share. Why should I be hogging all the really nice ones? Let somebody else have a few. Of course, everybody still wants me to have one. Everybody wants me to have a nice day. Have a nice day! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wanna give me my fucking change, please? I’m triple parked. Some of them are really insistent, I said have a nice day! All right, all right, goddammit, all right, I’ll give it a shot! That’s the trouble with have a nice day, it puts all the pressure on you. Now you’ve gotta go out and somehow manage to have a good time, all because of some loose-lipped cashier. Have a nice day, maybe I don’t feel like having a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve had 116 nice days in a row, and I’m ready, by God, for a crappy day. I never hear that, let them wish one of them. Hey, have a crappy day. Thank you, and to your wonderful family, as well. A crappy day, hey, that would be easy, it’s no trouble at all, a crappy day. Just get up. There’s no planning involved for a crappy day. I know what it is that bothers me about that whole thing, it’s the word nice. It’s just a weak word, it doesn’t have a lot of character, you know? Nice. Isn’t he nice? Oh, he is so nice. And she’s nice, too. Isn’t that nice? How nice they are. I don’t care for that, you know? That’s like fine. There’s another word. How are you? Fine. Bullshit! Nobody’s fine. Hair is fine. How’s your hair? Fine. That makes a lot more sense to me. Some guys are great. Did you ever meet those guys? Great. Isn’t this great? Goddamn, this is great. Look, they’re kill that guy. Isn’t that great? That’s great. No, not me, I’m not nice, I’m not fine, I’m not great. People ask me how I am, I say I’m fairly decent. I don’t give them any superlatives, nothing to gossip about. Relatively okay. Sometimes I’ll say I’m moderately neato. If I’m in a particularly jaunty mood, I’ll say, I’m not unwell, thank you. That pisses them off because they have to figure that one out for themselves. So… it reminds me of something my first grade teacher used to say to me, a little lady. She used to say, you show me a tropical fruit, and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala. No, that, that was someone else, that was someone else. I think it was someone I met in the Army. Always confuse them, I don’t know what it is. Ever been looking through the refrigerator and come across an empty plate? Well, that starts me to wondering. I think, did something eat something else? Maybe the olives ate the peas. Maybe that chicken isn’t really dead, and he’s grazing on my stuff. Actually, I picture a little mouse with gloves and a parka on, you know, just… just waiting for the lights to go out so he can get back to work. I guess the worst thing that can happen cleaning out or looking through the refrigerator is to come across… something… that you cannot identify… at all. You literally do not know what it is. It could be meat, it could be cake. Usually at a time like that I’ll bluff. Honey, is this good? Well, what is it? I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like it. It looks like meat-cake. Well, smell it. Actually, it has no smell whatsoever. It’s good, put it back. Somebody is saving it. It’ll turn up in something. That’s what frightens me. I was what they called a fussy eater. He’s fussy. He’s a fussy eater. Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass. I mean, if I didn’t like something, I told them. I didn’t play with my food, pick at my food, I said I don’t like that. You make this, I don’t like it. Why? They wanted reasons. Well, you don’t always have a reason. I don’t know. I know I don’t like it. And I know that if I ate it, I would like it even less. You like it, you eat it. Then they would try to corner me with logic, how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never even tried? It came to me in a dream. Big pain in the ass. Some things I didn’t like just because of the sound of the foods. To this day, I can still not eat… yogurt, yogurt. It sounds like it’s coming up again. Yogurt, yogurt. I can’t eat anything with a Y and a G in it. Something else that doesn’t sound so good, squash. You want some squash? Shit no! Sounds like somebody sat on my dinner. Succotash. Want some succotash? What did you call me, you fuck? Look out, hey, look out, come on. Hey, hey, fucking cool out. Hey, it’s fucking lima beans and corn. Cool out, cool out. Wheat germ. No, get off my plate. Even something like eggplant. Well, which one is it anyway? Tell it to make up its mind and then come on back. Terrible sounding food, head cheese. I can’t even look at the sign. I’ll be down near the baloney, you look at it. Between head cheese and blood tongue, I may never eat again. It certainly won’t be at the deli. Then there are some foods that sound too humorous to eat. Did you ever hear of something too funny to eat? Guacamole. That sounds like something you wear to a dance. May I borrow your green guacamole? Garbanzo. Hey, want some garbanzos? It sounds like a circus act. Ladies and gentlemen, the garbanzos. And the funniest food of all time, kumquats. I don’t even bring them home anymore. They just go to waste. Some things don’t look right. I don’t like that, ma. Don’t look right to me. Did you make that? Is there a picture of it in the cookbook? I’ll bet it don’t look like that. Let’s face it, be honest, some things don’t look right. Of course, some people eat anything, I know that. Some guys will eat anything. I saw those guys in the Army on the chow line. What’s this, never mind, give me a whole lot of it. That’s rat’s asshole, Don. Well, it certainly makes a hell of a fondue. Don’t look right. I don’t eat anything I don’t recognize immediately. If I have to ask questions, fuck it, I pass, you know? Tomatoes don’t look right, either. On the outside, they’re fine. Tomatoes look lovely on the outside. But you look inside a tomato and something is wrong. Something has gone afoul inside of a tomato. It doesn’t look right, you know? It doesn’t look like it’s finished yet, for one thing. It looks like it’s in the larval stage or something. There’s thousands of seeds and a whole bunch of jelly looking stuff. Get it off my plate. It’s gushy, it’s like that stuff at the end of an egg. And I know it’s not the end of an egg, it’s the beginning of a chicken. It’s hen cum. Get it off my plate. It don’t look right. Something else that doesn’t look like food, lobsters and crabs. I mean, anything coming at me walking sideways with big pincers somehow doesn’t make me hungry. In fact, my instinct is step on that fuck. Look at the big bug, step on the big bug before he gets to the children. They look like they mean business. Can’t order frogs legs in a restaurant. I keep wondering what did they do with the rest of the frog? What do they do with it, they give them little dollies and send them back out into the world to beg? Try, try to return them to a normal life if you can. The trouble is, the dollies for froggies program has been cut in half. We’ve probably seen the last froggie dolly for a long, long time. I’d rather eat a box of cookies. Doesn’t that always come in handy? Just eat a goddamn box of cookies. You ever do that, a whole box of cookies right in a row. I don’t mean you take them out. I mean eat them in the kitchen, standing right in the kitchen. Eat a whole goddamn box of cookies. Just stare at the electric clock while you’re eating those cookies. Did you ever notice right on the cookies it says open here. Well, what the fuck do they think you’re gonna do, move to Hong Kong to open up their cookies? Of course you’re going to open them here, you’re going to eat them here. You almost have to open them here. Thank God it doesn’t say open somewhere else. Shit, I’d be up all night trying to find a good location. Got a little news for you. Let’s, uh, let’s take a look at the news tonight. See what’s going on. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, here is some of the news, the US Army announced today that it was true that during the first part of the 1960’s they had performed LSD tests on human beings which destroyed their minds. However, they have claimed that none of the victims has been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel. A man who was attempting to walk around the world, drowned today. Twenty-six people were killed today when two funeral processions crashed into one another, police say the casualty list does not include the two men who were already dead. Another first for County Hospital as a woman has checked in to have her tits reversed. When asked why she was having it done, she said that her left tit was her favorite, and she wants it on her right side where her left-handed husband can reach it easily. The ASPCA announced today that they have filed a criminal complaint against a man who was keeping tropical fish in a moving blender. The man says it is true, but that he never turns the blender above mix. The ASPCA claims he’s had it up to whip and puree several times. A passenger shot six people on the downtown bus today, then asked for a transfer and shot six people on the cross-town bus. In order to prevent this happening in the future, authorities are discontinuing the transfer system. Here are the results of the blind person’s golf tournament, They’ve just come in. The winner was Johnny Downing with 1,829 strokes. Just enough to beat Larry Powell, who lost any chance he might have had when he took a 312 on the final hole. A 65-year-old woman who was trotting backwards from Winnipeg to Rio was killed today when she was hit by a truck head on from the rear. A small town in Tennessee just downwind from a nuclear plant believes it may have received some radiation. Everyone is dead, and the trees are humming. Although the Internal Revenue Service has begun to crack down on businessmen for the three-martini lunch, they will not bother the working man and the two-joint coffee break. A man who was attempting to circle the world in a hot air balloon died today when he stepped out of the balloon to admire it from a distance. A spokesman for the Reagan administration has said that many dead people are really only sick and trying to collect illegal death benefits. On the lighter side of the news, a couple who was celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary died of shock today at the beginning of a surprise party. Well, to kind of wind up the news tonight, and there’s so often so much death and tragedy, a man in Texas was arrested today for shooting and killing his wife, son, two daughters, his mother and father, all four of his grandparents, his dog, his mailman, three neighbors and a woman who works at the filling station. He claims he was just cleaning his gun when it suddenly went off. Thank you, thank you very much. Have you noticed that you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed. Did you realize that the Mexican hat dance was written by two individuals? A lot of folks don’t know that. The first guy wrote da da da da, and the second guy wrote, da la la la, da da da. If it weren’t for the second guy, the Mexican hat dance would have gone, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da. They were so happy with what they discovered that they went out to celebrate, and they met another guy, and he went, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la. La la la la. …it takes two. This is the musical portion of our show. You know what bothers me? Hey, you know what… is that me? Yes it is. You know what bothers me? I could never find out the rest of the words to Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay. Everybody knows Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay, hmmmm, hmmmm. I did find them out, someone sent them to me. Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay, did you get yours today, I got mine yesterday, that’s why I walk this way. You know how you can tell when a moth farts? He flies in a straight line. Do you realize that somewhere in the world is the worst doctor? Has to be, process of elimination, sooner or later you’re gonna find the worst doctor. And the weird part is that… someone has an appointment to see him tomorrow. Yeah, I know, youse are trying to butter me up. Don’t give me that shit. Yes, in goddamn deed. I love that dog. I’ve never seen him and I love him. He’s gonna be wonderful when I meet that dog. Hey, you want a dog? You want a goddamn dog? Go ahead man, you can have a dog. I got three of them, man. You want a fucking dog? You have it man, it’s yours. Lots of people got lots of goddamn doggies. And you don’t even have to have one to learn about doggies, your friend might have a dog. It could be your friend’s dog. He makes you… that makes him your dog friend. You go to visit your friend and his dog is there and you pet him. Hi, hello. How are you Sneezie? You’re wonderful. Hello, goddamn. I mean, for that moment, he’s your dog. So you can have someone else’s dog for a while. Hi, he likes, he likes me. I think, oh my God, look at this doggie here. Goddamn doggies. There’s lots of things to know about him, too. Lots of things you learn. You don’t know where always, and you can’t remember. For instance, can you remember the first time you found out that by scratching a dog here, you could make this leg go like that. And, that you could make it stop when you stop. Goddamn, I’m in complete control of this dog. Or that you can make their head tilt from across the room just by making a funny noise. You go… and he goes. Oh look honey, isn’t he cute? Let’s get his head fixed so he stays like that. Oh, you can get their heads done. Cost you a bundle, and they don’t like it. Makes them move to the same side all the time. Cute little goddamn doggie. Do you ever eat candy right in front of your dog? I don’t mean a Milky Way. I mean one at a time candy, like M&Ms. And you watch where he’s looking, he’s following your fingertips. Oh, boy, this asshole drops one Jujube, I’m going for his femoral artery. Did you ever spell in front of your dog? Some of them are smart. You’ve gotta spell. Honey, do we have any more b-o-n-e-s? B, they know the sound of B alone. B, bone, bone, bone. Take it easy, take it easy. You know, there’s all kinds of dogs, and all sizes of dogs, too. There’s a lot of goddamn big dogs, you know, big dogs. I don’t mean big. I don’t mean a big dog. I mean a fucking-big-dog. Some people have got goddamn big doggies. Look like they ought to have commercial license plate on them. Livestock dogs. What the hell is that? That’s my dog. He blocked out the sun. That’s Tiny. Little dog is different. Little dog will get around and do fine. He’ll jump all he wants. I don’t know how they jump so high. They got little teeny legs like this. They got legs, if you feel a little dog’s leg, it feels like a beef jerky in there, man. They can jump up on the bed all they want to. Holy God, do that again. Oh, man, one more time. I make him keep doing it till he can’t reach anymore, boom, boom, boom. Then if I want him up there, I’ll put him up there. And sooner or later, what’s gonna happen with the little dog? Sooner or later, lying on the bed he’s gonna create an incident. He’s gonna make one of you humans turn to the other and say, whew. Honey, did you fart? Not me, I thought you farted. Not me, whew. That’s not even one of my farts. I’ve got four farts, and that’s not one of mine. I’ve got my Heineken’s fart, I got my broccoli fart, my rice pudding fart, and my non-dairy creamer fart, and that’s not one of my farts. I know… the dog farted. Tippy, why did you fart? Look at him, he knows he farted. I seen his asshole open up. I seen it. Well, I happened to be looking at his asshole by chance. What kind of a question is that? I thought he was doing them deep breathing exercises. You see, dogs have nothing to do. There’s no job description for a dog. They’re forced to wait for something to happen that they can get in on. If you do something, they’ll be glad to join you. But they rarely initiate any activity on their own. They’re just waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting and waiting. Waiting to come in, waiting to go out, waiting to eat, waiting to crap, waiting to wake up, waiting to sleep, waiting to go upstairs, waiting to go downstairs. Sometimes they’re just waiting to wait. You ever seen a dog just standing there? He don’t know what he’s waiting for, but if it happens, he’ll be ready. Just a waiting and a waiting, waiting for you to come home. They don’t understand time. A dog doesn’t know the difference between an hour and a half or next week. He thinks you’re going to be gone forever. That’s the only time period dogs really understand, forever. That’s how long they think everything lasts. That’s how long they think everything takes, forever and ever. Did you ever scratch your dog behind the ears? Oh boy, they love that, huh? The more you scratching your doggie behind the ears and he really loves that, and you’re looking at him and everything, and when you finally stop he looks at you like you’re a criminal. He thought it was gonna go on and on and on. Same thing when you feed them, soon as they get finished they say, where the fuck’s the food? They thought it was the loaves and the fishes, it was gonna last forever and ever. Dog don’t know, they must think we’re gonna be gone forever, otherwise why would they act the way they do when we finally get home. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home. I didn’t know what to do. You know what? I don’t know how to operate the can opener. How do you operate the can opener? I didn’t know what to do, man. What, do you push it down? I couldn’t think of it. Do you know what? Do you know what I did? I took a can of dog food and I rolled it down the hill, and hoped a truck ran it over. That’s all I could think of, man. I mean, they’ll do that if you even just forgot your hat. You come back in eight seconds, oh boy, oh boy, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home. I was gonna eat your bird, I couldn’t find the bird. Where the fuck’s the bird? Will you stop that, I was just here. God, they get you mad sometimes, don’t they? Do you ever get mad at your dog, and you feel really dumb and you get all the way to work and you’re still pissed at your pet. What’s the matter, Dan? Well, the dog, goddamn it, never mind. He chewed the legs off everything. Okay, I’ll see you at lunch. Dog don’t care. He’ll do whatever is next. He don’t know what’s next, but he’ll do something. They’ll do two things in a row that don’t go together. You ever seen a dog walking through a room and suddenly he stops and chews his back for 18 minutes? And then when he’s finished chewing, as if it were scheduled for right then, of course, then when he’s finished he doesn’t even know where it was he was gonna go. Where was I gonna go? Oh, shit, oh, I think I’ll go over here. Oh, this is nice over here. I think I’ll keep coming over here. He don’t know, he don’t care. Dog don’t care. Like I say, he’ll do anything. He might embarrass you. He might do something inappropriate when you have company, huh? You might have some folks in visiting you, some of them you don’t know that well, trying to impress a couple of them. Hey, you might be trying to borrow money off one of these studs. Dog is lying out there in the living room, you got all these people sitting around, you got a little chip, a little dip. Dog’s in full view of everyone, got carrot sticks, celery sticks, little lady fingers, finger ladies, all sorts of little things that you got. And everybody’s eating nicely, and you look down and you realize that the dog is licking his balls. No one says anything, no one mentions it, spectacular thing going on. Hey, if I could reach, I’d never leave the house. Are you kidding? Poor little guy. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean it. He’ll come, he’ll apologize to you. He’ll come around a few hours later and apologize. He’ll give you that doggie look, give you them eyes, you know, they have such a great expression, almost human. Sometimes we say that. Isn’t he, look, he looks almost human, Dan. They do, you know? They look like they know something about your mother. They’re not willing to mention it right away. They’re just looking at you like they got a trig problem they can’t quite solve. There’s a, there’s a sad look in their eyes, all the sadness in the world is right in the eyes of a dog. Did you ever do this? Look right into your doggie’s eyes and think of something really sad. And it’ll look like it’s happening to your dog. Strangest thing, they look at you like that. You know why they have so successful a look, cause they got eyebrows. Dogs have eyebrows, or at least little ridges that pass for eyebrows. They got little things… that they can manipulate, just like we do. Oh, please… please daddy, one… more… treat. Cats can’t look at you like that. Cats don’t look at that… cats look at you coldly, as if they’re testing new eyes. Reason cats look different, cats don’t have eyebrows. Cats have a bunch of shit sticking out of their head. They thought it was gonna be an eyebrow, but it didn’t work out. Let’s not tell them, they think it’s an eyebrow. It’s just a bunch of shit, sticking out of their heads. Cats are all different. They do everything different than a doggie. Cats are cute, cats are goddamn cute. Isn’t he cute? Look at him, God, he’s cute. He’s a kitty cat. That’s how cute they are. They needed two names. Kitty wasn’t cute enough, kitty cat. Isn’t he cute? The kitty cat, look at him. Isn’t he cute? Let’s drown him. He’s a cute little goddamn kitty cat, ain’t he? Look. Stick on the wall, see if he hangs up there. Whoa! Little goddamn kitty cat. They’re so goddamn cute when they’re teeny. I hope he stays that size forever. He’s darling. Isn’t he wonderful? Cute little goddamn kitty cat. They can jump any way they want. When they’re teeny, they can jump straight up in the air without a run. They just go vooom. They can even jump backwards to the side. How’d he do that? Holy shit. They can do anything. Jump and be cute as can be, cute goddamn kitty cat. Isn’t he cute? God, I love them. They’re so cute. They’re even cute when they kill. Isn’t he, Look, he’s playing with the mouse. Bullshit. Mouse doesn’t feel that way. They’re cute. Oh, he’s so precious, just tearing the throat right out of that bird. Cute as can be. They kill, see, they like to kill something. That’s what they want to do, that’s why they act so nice. They wanna go yaaah. Even when they’re teeny, when they’re just born. You take a baby, baby, that is a human, you take a baby dog and a baby cat, and you attack all three of them, which I try never to do if I can help it, but you’ll get three different results. You attack a baby, he cries. You attack a puppy, he cowers. You attack kitty cat, he fights. One day old, they’re looking for some shit. They ain’t even got their eyes open, they’ll grab anything. Nasty little cute thing. Cute little nasty guy. Oh, they’re wonderful, God love them. They’re so physical. That’s what’s fun. They’re so physical. They love to rub on you. They love to rub on you. If you’ve got a leg and a cat, whew, you got a party. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, I love his leg, oh boy. I’m rubbing on his leg, oh boy, oh boy. If you got two legs, shit, jubilee celebration time. Oh boy, two legs, hot shit. I can do the figure eight. They love to do the figure eight, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I love to rub on his leg. They’ll rub against your leg even if you’re not there yet. You might still be 50 feet down the hall, they see you coming, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, soon I’ll be rubbing on his leg, soon. They’ll even walk sideways so they don’t miss you, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. They love it. They’re so physical. You don’t have to pet a cat, you just put your hand over him and he’ll do all the work, man. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. You pet him, you ever pet a cat who’s lying absolutely flat, and before you’re halfway finished his ass is way up in the air. Like you pressed the ass button or something. Isn’t he a cute little… holy shit, how did he do that? Then they jump on your chest and put their ass right in your face. Here’s my ass, dad, check this ass, huh? And while they’re showing you their ass, they give you some of this stuff. I say get him off of me, Jesus, I hate that. I don’t even know what it is, and I don’t like it. It looked like they’re into some bad drug. There’s one other quality cats have, which, uh, I admire, cats don’t accept blame. They don’t embarrass at all. A cat does something dumb, you’d never know it by looking at him. Dog knocks over a lamp, you can tell who did it just by looking at the dog. Not the cat. Cat doesn’t accept any blame. Cat moves along to the next activity. What’s that? Not me, fuck that, I’m a cat. Something break, ask the dog. Cat doesn’t get embarrassed. You ever seen a cat race across a carpet and crash into a glass door? I meant that, I meant that, I meant that. That’s exactly how I wanted that to look. Fucking meow, fucking meow, fucking meow. That’s what they say when they get behind the couch. A cat’s too proud to let you see him suffer, but you look behind the couch and you’ll find your cat recuperating from a domestic accident. They got little slings and walkers, you know. Tried to make the window from the lamp. Little kitty cat, goddamn kitty cat. Do you realize Hitler only had one ball? What do you think about a man with one ball? Do you think he has two strikes against him? Maybe he’s got one ball and two strikes. Hitler only had one ball. A lot of people don’t know that. A lot of people don’t know that. They say Hitler, geez, he had a lot of balls… one. For some time I was trying to get a list of words together that would fairly represent the dirty words, cause nobody gives you a list of dirty words for life, have you noticed that? There’s some words that are perfectly clean but sound like they could be filthy if you gave them just a little help. A word like pussyfoot. It’s perfectly clean. But when you say pussyfoot there’s a little giggle, cause people know that with a little help this word could be filthy. No matter what form of the verb you try, it’s clean as a verb, but pussyfoot could be a noun. It could be a noun, pussyfoot, a rare disorder. A female birth defect. Hello boys, I have pussyfoot. God, you sure do, lady. And I love them open-toed shoes you have on. Well, I’d rather have pussyfoot than woodpecker, I can say that. Or beer nuts. God, that must be awful. Beer nuts, the official disease of Milwaukee. I know whenever I see the little canister behind the bar, I drop in a couple of dollars for beer nuts. I think we need a lot more research on beer nuts. Or, cotton balls. Which is the dreaded final stage of beer nuts. When my beer nuts turn to cotton balls, I’ll be heading home to you. It’s an old Southern hymn. Lots of little phrases like that in the language that don’t quite say what they mean. Take a shit is another one. Take a shit!? You don’t take shit, you leave a shit! That’s the whole idea, to leave it. I left a shit. Fine, thank you, Jeff. Where’d you leave it? In the icebox. I’m gonna take a shit. Don’t take one of mine! I only have two left and the weekend is coming up. Why don’t you go home and take one of your own shits. Guy’s always mooching off me. He must think I’m made of shit or something. Boy, that shit don’t grow on trees, you know? Well, enough of that shit. Lots of little phrases like that. Pick your nose is, well, blow your nose. Blow your nose is a phrase. Imagine that, blowing your nose. I don’t believe they really mean that, do you? You can’t blow your nose. I believe it’s physically impossible to blow your nose. You might get somebody else to blow your nose, but it would have to be a real good friend. Cocktails, another clean word. You can advertise them. You can put up signs all over town, cocktails. As long as you use both halves of the word, perfectly fine. But you can’t advertise either one of those two items if you break those words in half. They’ll come and take your sign down. Cocktail, it’s okay. It depends on how you say that kind of word. You ladies like some cocktails? Hey lady, you want a cocktail? Cockpit. Men will actually laugh about that, cockpit. Get it? Oh yeah. Bangkok, there’s a lovely city. How would you like to be a hooker in Bangkok? It would seem like a natural habitat. Peacock. NBC is really proud of their peacock. You know what a female peacock is? A peacunt. My list, I was just trying to isolate the words that were always filthy, not the ones that were sometimes dirty. And the original list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. This was all I could think of in one sitting, just one try. But we had to add some, we had shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, and then we added fart, turd and twat, which also don’t have other meanings. You know, twat’s twat, and that’s that. But after a while, it didn’t take long, well, it took quite a while. But I finally discovered that there are only two words on the list you really had to deal with to sort of look at the double standard that television uses where language is concerned. Uh, the two words were fart and fuck. Those are the only two. They seem similar because you can’t say either one of them. You can’t say fart and you can’t say fuck. No matter how cleverly you try to work them in, no matter how clinical the conversation is, fart and fuck will not show up on the final tape. You simply cannot say them. But that’s where the similarity ends, cause at least with the word fuck, even though you can’t say the word fuck, you can talk about fucking. Oh, you can refer to fucking, there’s lots of fuck talk going on, on TV, they just don’t call it fucking. That’s the secret, they don’t use that word. There’s plenty of fuck talk. You see people who wrote a book about fucking. You’ll see a guy on a talk show who wrote a book about fucking. How to fuck, who to fuck, when to fuck, why to fuck and how to feel after you fuck. This man is a fuck expert and he wrote a fuck book, and he’s talking to Merv Griffin about fucking, and they’re getting away with it cause they don’t call it fucking. Same with the soap operas, everybody, you take a look at a soap opera, and you know everybody is fucking somebody on a soap opera. And if they’re not fucking somebody, they’re trying to fuck somebody. Will he fuck her, did he fuck her, has he fucked her, should he fuck her, can he fuck her some more, will they fuck too much, will they get silly from fucking, who is fucking who, that’s all you want to know, is what the fuck is going on, on this program here. You know that somebody is getting fucked, and you think it’s you. So there’s lots of fuck talk, and there’s plenty of fucking on television, they just don’t call it fucking. They call it everything else. Now, on the other hand, farts, not only can you not mention the word fart, but you can’t refer to farts at all. That’s how bad farts are, they’re worse than fucking. You never hear anybody talking about farts on TV. You’ve never seen a guy who wrote a book on farts; how to fart, who to fart at, how to feel after you fart. There’s no fart experts on the Merv Griffin Show, you don’t see any farts or fart references, it’s a fart free zone. Wouldn’t you think after 35 years one guy by now would have gone, whew? Just once, just once I’d like to see someone on the Johnny Carson panel say, Hey, Ed, move down, man. That was a Clydesdale fart. Well, anyway, uh, after a while I realized that I was needlessly restricting myself to seven words, and only to the ones that weren’t allowed on TV. I mean, there were a lot more to be looked at, and television isn’t the only place that objects to your language sometimes. There are lots of situations where you’re not supposed to say that. So I expanded the list by as many as I could, and I’d like to share some with you now. This list is a little longer than it was before. First we start with the ones we already know; shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat. Crap, balls, prick, asshole, jackoff, jerkoff, scumbag, douche bag, hard-on, rod-on, boner, stiff, piss hard, blue balls, nookie, cooze, gash, slash, hole, slit, snatch, box, beaver, pussy, bearded clam, gism, cum, cream, juice, pecker, peckerhead, peckertracks, dick, dork, dong, doniker, wang, shlong, shwans, pork, crabs, ass, butt, heinie, tuckus, bum, buns, cheeks, screw, lay, diddle, plow, hump, bang, poke, batter, wham, knock up, bugger, ground, jugs, bazooms, knockers, knobs, lungs, balloons, dildo, joy stick, hair pie, muff, cornhole, rim job, blow job, sugar bowl pie, suck off, give head, sit on my face, butt fuck, finger fuck, clap, bleat, 69, 71 which is 69 with two fingers up your ass, daisy chain, circle jerk, cock teaser, wet dream, cunt struck, pussy whipped, short arm, tuna taco, group grope, milking the chicken, bulldagger, gangbang, ball breaker, ball buster, merkin, bananas and cream, up the old dirt road, around the world, beat your meat, whack off, flogging your dong, pounding your pud, beating the bishop, poontang, dingleberry, sit on it, fudge packer, milking the lizard, fart face, old fart, farting around, fart sniffer, ream, snake, raincoat, quickie, queer, queen, putz, put out, push, beef injection, dog style, pop your cookies, bust your nuts, one-eyed monster, knob, pocket pool, tail, piddle, paddle the pickle, one-man band, snapper, notch, garage, shaft, stick, piece of ass, goddammit, pimp, hooker, punk, faggot, dike, lezzie, box lunch, sea food, hand job, hammer, hatch, head job, hot nuts, hum job, prong, jelly roll, jerk the gherkin, lob, meat whistle, cheese, cat fan, middle leg, wanking, bootie, love muscle, snappin’ pussy, bitch, bastard, clam, bite the brown, going up mustard road, bone on, bush, button, cunt lapper, cherry, tool, dingus, quif, quim, get off, joint, peace, stem, root, crack, cootch, crud, eat me, fuck you, up your ass, get laid, fuck off, piss off, piss on you, stick it, stuff it, ram it, jam it, cram it, horny, peter, the one-eyed wonder worm, piece of ass, little brown eyeball, golden showers, pound cake, boy in the boat, brown eyes, brown nose, sloppy seconds, Mongolian cluster fuck, rod of love, copping a feel, copping a cherry, copping a joint, on the rag, flying the flag, riding the cotton pony, dipping your wick, going down on, dry hump, fist fuck, skin flute, french job, furburger, nuts, get your rocks off, get in, get it up, hung, ginch, gobble, diesel dock, rubber, shoot… diesel dike that was… syph, wad, cocksman, tit fuck, tongue, rough trade, trick, weenie and yodeling in the gully. Thank you and I’ll see you next time. | Everybody’s heard the old joke how do you get to Carnegie Hall; practice, man, practice. Well, like most people, I did all my practicing at home in my own neighborhood. I grew up on the Upper West Side of New York City, General Grant was one of my neighbors. I had a lot of fun in my neighborhood, I did a lot of practicing. And sooner or later, I just wanted to get downtown to show them what I could do. And I had to find out how to get there. In New York City if you don’t know how to get somewhere, all you gotta do is ask somebody, they’ll tell ya, even if they don’t know. Hey, tell me something, you got a second? Uh-huh. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? I don’t know, I gonna really tell you. I don’t know how to get to Carnegie Hall. Yeah, you from around here? Uh, yeah, I live right there, man. I don’t even know where I am now, how the hell could I tell you how to get to Carnegie Hall. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? From here? Well, no, from the moon. Take the bus up on the corner there down to 57th Street, get off there, that’s a block walk. Can’t I take the subway here? Got a gun permit? Take the plane. Take the plane? The 59th Street plane? Well, that depends on which way you wanna go. Well, all I can say, you can take a car down there. Take the bus, it’ll leave you right in front of there. Okay. I don’t know the number, but I get there. Jump on a cab, tell the man to take you downtown, you ain’t got no bread, just jump out. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Yeah. Well, if you don’t have a car, you use subway. And then if you don’t have money, you hop the turnstile. You hop… Hop the turnstile. Then if you’re for real, you go to court. As you can see, not everybody agrees on how to get there. Now, when I was a kid, if you wanted to get somewhere, you had to take whatever ride was available. I believe my ride has just arrived. We want George, we want George, we want George… Hi there, how are you? Hello there. How you doing? Good evening everybody. Hello there. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, good evening, my name is George Carlin, and I am a professional comedian, as opposed to the kind you run into at work all day long. It’s nice being a comedian, there are, uh, certain advantages, naturally. And a few disadvantages, there are some drawbacks to being a comedian. No one on death row has ever said, “Before I die, I wanna talk to a comedian.” You ever hear anyone at the scene of an accident say, “Quick, call a comedian, for God sakes!” But it would be kind of fun at an accident to push your way through the crowd and say, “May I be of help, I’m a professional comedian.” And sooner or later, at least once in your life, when the policeman says to you, “What are you, a comedian?” You’ve gotta look him right in the eye and say, actually, yes. Even criminals have no respect for comedians. What do they say, first thing they do when they hold you up? “Don’t try anything funny. First one makes a funny move gets it.” Whenever they’re not looking I go. Well, that’s my job, thinking up goofy shit. Thinking up goofy shit, coming around every now and then, letting you know what it is, or reminding you of things you already know, but forgot to laugh at the first time they happened. We all have things like that, you hear it during the day and then you don’t remember it at all. For instance, I’ve noticed they have disposable douche, and I’m wondering who would want to keep it in the first place! I do have a lot, some not a lot, but I have some notes over here, and, uh, the reason for that is I haven’t been doing this lately, I want to make sure I know and remember everything tonight. I’ve been taking a little time off, six months I think I took, uh, three of them, uh, quite voluntarily, and the other three quite against my will. I had a heart attack, or as they say in Boston, I had a heart attack. He had a heart attack, you hear about George? He had a goddamn myocardial infarction. I had a heart attack. Fortunately, my pharmacist, my cardiologist and my doctor give me CPR. But I would like to bring you up to date, uh, on the comedian’s health sweepstakes. As it stands right now, I lead Richard Prior in heart attacks, two to one. I am ahead, I am ahead, that’s right. Now, however, Richard still leads me one to nothing on burning yourself up. Well, the way it happened was, first Richard had a heart attack, then I had a heart attack, then Richard burned himself up, then I said fuck that, I’m gonna have another heart attack. I had an interesting morning, got into an argument… got into an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard “Snap, crackle, fuck him.” I don’t know which one of them said it, I was reaching for the artificial sweetener and was not looking directly into the bowl. But I told them, I said, well, you can all just sit right there in the milk, far as I’m concerned you can sit in the milk until I find out which one of you said that. A little mass punishment for my breakfast food. The idea is to turn them against one another. Just sit in the milk, far as I’m concerned. Silly me, big punishment, that’s what they do anyway, Sit in the milk. That’s their job. That’s Rice Krispies’ job, sitting in the milk. You’ve seen them, haven’t you? Floating along, little beige blisters of air, riding proudly in the milk. But you can’t sink them, they float for a long time. And you know why, they stay together. They gather together in little groups, little groups of eight, ten, twelve, sometimes fourteen, but always an even number if you’ve noticed. It’s the polarity of the Krispies that attracts them. They form little colonies of Rice Krispies. But you can’t sink them, you try to sink them with a spoon, they come up over the sides. You can’t sink them, that’s what the fruit is for, sinking the Rice Krispies. Good size peach will take down 80 or 90 of them. If I’m really pissed, I’ll drop a watermelon on them. But I say interesting about my morning ’cause it was, it’s not… I don’t have a nice day anymore. I don’t bother much with that. I think I’m beyond that now, I think I’ve outgrown the nice day. I think I’ve had my share. Why should I be hogging all the really nice ones? Let somebody else have a few. Of course, everybody still wants me to have one. Everybody wants me to have a nice day. Have a nice day! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wanna give me my fucking change, please? I’m triple parked. Some of them are really insistent, I said have a nice day! All right, all right, goddammit, all right, I’ll give it a shot! That’s the trouble with have a nice day, it puts all the pressure on you. Now you’ve gotta go out and somehow manage to have a good time, all because of some loose-lipped cashier. Have a nice day, maybe I don’t feel like having a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve had 116 nice days in a row, and I’m ready, by God, for a crappy day. I never hear that, let them wish one of them. Hey, have a crappy day. Thank you, and to your wonderful family, as well. A crappy day, hey, that would be easy, it’s no trouble at all, a crappy day. Just get up. There’s no planning involved for a crappy day. I know what it is that bothers me about that whole thing, it’s the word nice. It’s just a weak word, it doesn’t have a lot of character, you know? Nice. Isn’t he nice? Oh, he is so nice. And she’s nice, too. Isn’t that nice? How nice they are. I don’t care for that, you know? That’s like fine. There’s another word. How are you? Fine. Bullshit! Nobody’s fine. Hair is fine. How’s your hair? Fine. That makes a lot more sense to me. Some guys are great. Did you ever meet those guys? Great. Isn’t this great? Goddamn, this is great. Look, they’re kill that guy. Isn’t that great? That’s great. No, not me, I’m not nice, I’m not fine, I’m not great. People ask me how I am, I say I’m fairly decent. I don’t give them any superlatives, nothing to gossip about. Relatively okay. Sometimes I’ll say I’m moderately neato. If I’m in a particularly jaunty mood, I’ll say, I’m not unwell, thank you. That pisses them off because they have to figure that one out for themselves. So… it reminds me of something my first grade teacher used to say to me, a little lady. She used to say, you show me a tropical fruit, and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala. No, that, that was someone else, that was someone else. I think it was someone I met in the Army. Always confuse them, I don’t know what it is. Ever been looking through the refrigerator and come across an empty plate? Well, that starts me to wondering. I think, did something eat something else? Maybe the olives ate the peas. Maybe that chicken isn’t really dead, and he’s grazing on my stuff. Actually, I picture a little mouse with gloves and a parka on, you know, just… just waiting for the lights to go out so he can get back to work. I guess the worst thing that can happen cleaning out or looking through the refrigerator is to come across… something… that you cannot identify… at all. You literally do not know what it is. It could be meat, it could be cake. Usually at a time like that I’ll bluff. Honey, is this good? Well, what is it? I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like it. It looks like meat-cake. Well, smell it. Actually, it has no smell whatsoever. It’s good, put it back. Somebody is saving it. It’ll turn up in something. That’s what frightens me. I was what they called a fussy eater. He’s fussy. He’s a fussy eater. Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass. I mean, if I didn’t like something, I told them. I didn’t play with my food, pick at my food, I said I don’t like that. You make this, I don’t like it. Why? They wanted reasons. Well, you don’t always have a reason. I don’t know. I know I don’t like it. And I know that if I ate it, I would like it even less. You like it, you eat it. Then they would try to corner me with logic, how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never even tried? It came to me in a dream. Big pain in the ass. Some things I didn’t like just because of the sound of the foods. To this day, I can still not eat… yogurt, yogurt. It sounds like it’s coming up again. Yogurt, yogurt. I can’t eat anything with a Y and a G in it. Something else that doesn’t sound so good, squash. You want some squash? Shit no! Sounds like somebody sat on my dinner. Succotash. Want some succotash? What did you call me, you fuck? Look out, hey, look out, come on. Hey, hey, fucking cool out. Hey, it’s fucking lima beans and corn. Cool out, cool out. Wheat germ. No, get off my plate. Even something like eggplant. Well, which one is it anyway? Tell it to make up its mind and then come on back. Terrible sounding food, head cheese. I can’t even look at the sign. I’ll be down near the baloney, you look at it. Between head cheese and blood tongue, I may never eat again. It certainly won’t be at the deli. Then there are some foods that sound too humorous to eat. Did you ever hear of something too funny to eat? Guacamole. That sounds like something you wear to a dance. May I borrow your green guacamole? Garbanzo. Hey, want some garbanzos? It sounds like a circus act. Ladies and gentlemen, the garbanzos. And the funniest food of all time, kumquats. I don’t even bring them home anymore. They just go to waste. Some things don’t look right. I don’t like that, ma. Don’t look right to me. Did you make that? Is there a picture of it in the cookbook? I’ll bet it don’t look like that. Let’s face it, be honest, some things don’t look right. Of course, some people eat anything, I know that. Some guys will eat anything. I saw those guys in the Army on the chow line. What’s this, never mind, give me a whole lot of it. That’s rat’s asshole, Don. Well, it certainly makes a hell of a fondue. Don’t look right. I don’t eat anything I don’t recognize immediately. If I have to ask questions, fuck it, I pass, you know? Tomatoes don’t look right, either. On the outside, they’re fine. Tomatoes look lovely on the outside. But you look inside a tomato and something is wrong. Something has gone afoul inside of a tomato. It doesn’t look right, you know? It doesn’t look like it’s finished yet, for one thing. It looks like it’s in the larval stage or something. There’s thousands of seeds and a whole bunch of jelly looking stuff. Get it off my plate. It’s gushy, it’s like that stuff at the end of an egg. And I know it’s not the end of an egg, it’s the beginning of a chicken. It’s hen cum. Get it off my plate. It don’t look right. Something else that doesn’t look like food, lobsters and crabs. I mean, anything coming at me walking sideways with big pincers somehow doesn’t make me hungry. In fact, my instinct is step on that fuck. Look at the big bug, step on the big bug before he gets to the children. They look like they mean business. Can’t order frogs legs in a restaurant. I keep wondering what did they do with the rest of the frog? What do they do with it, they give them little dollies and send them back out into the world to beg? Try, try to return them to a normal life if you can. The trouble is, the dollies for froggies program has been cut in half. We’ve probably seen the last froggie dolly for a long, long time. I’d rather eat a box of cookies. Doesn’t that always come in handy? Just eat a goddamn box of cookies. You ever do that, a whole box of cookies right in a row. I don’t mean you take them out. I mean eat them in the kitchen, standing right in the kitchen. Eat a whole goddamn box of cookies. Just stare at the electric clock while you’re eating those cookies. Did you ever notice right on the cookies it says open here. Well, what the fuck do they think you’re gonna do, move to Hong Kong to open up their cookies? Of course you’re going to open them here, you’re going to eat them here. You almost have to open them here. Thank God it doesn’t say open somewhere else. Shit, I’d be up all night trying to find a good location. Got a little news for you. Let’s, uh, let’s take a look at the news tonight. See what’s going on. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, here is some of the news, the US Army announced today that it was true that during the first part of the 1960’s they had performed LSD tests on human beings which destroyed their minds. However, they have claimed that none of the victims has been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel. A man who was attempting to walk around the world, drowned today. Twenty-six people were killed today when two funeral processions crashed into one another, police say the casualty list does not include the two men who were already dead. Another first for County Hospital as a woman has checked in to have her tits reversed. When asked why she was having it done, she said that her left tit was her favorite, and she wants it on her right side where her left-handed husband can reach it easily. The ASPCA announced today that they have filed a criminal complaint against a man who was keeping tropical fish in a moving blender. The man says it is true, but that he never turns the blender above mix. The ASPCA claims he’s had it up to whip and puree several times. A passenger shot six people on the downtown bus today, then asked for a transfer and shot six people on the cross-town bus. In order to prevent this happening in the future, authorities are discontinuing the transfer system. Here are the results of the blind person’s golf tournament, They’ve just come in. The winner was Johnny Downing with 1,829 strokes. Just enough to beat Larry Powell, who lost any chance he might have had when he took a 312 on the final hole. A 65-year-old woman who was trotting backwards from Winnipeg to Rio was killed today when she was hit by a truck head on from the rear. A small town in Tennessee just downwind from a nuclear plant believes it may have received some radiation. Everyone is dead, and the trees are humming. Although the Internal Revenue Service has begun to crack down on businessmen for the three-martini lunch, they will not bother the working man and the two-joint coffee break. A man who was attempting to circle the world in a hot air balloon died today when he stepped out of the balloon to admire it from a distance. A spokesman for the Reagan administration has said that many dead people are really only sick and trying to collect illegal death benefits. On the lighter side of the news, a couple who was celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary died of shock today at the beginning of a surprise party. Well, to kind of wind up the news tonight, and there’s so often so much death and tragedy, a man in Texas was arrested today for shooting and killing his wife, son, two daughters, his mother and father, all four of his grandparents, his dog, his mailman, three neighbors and a woman who works at the filling station. He claims he was just cleaning his gun when it suddenly went off. Thank you, thank you very much. Have you noticed that you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed. Did you realize that the Mexican hat dance was written by two individuals? A lot of folks don’t know that. The first guy wrote da da da da, and the second guy wrote, da la la la, da da da. If it weren’t for the second guy, the Mexican hat dance would have gone, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da. They were so happy with what they discovered that they went out to celebrate, and they met another guy, and he went, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la. La la la la. …it takes two. This is the musical portion of our show. You know what bothers me? Hey, you know what… is that me? Yes it is. You know what bothers me? I could never find out the rest of the words to Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay. Everybody knows Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay, hmmmm, hmmmm. I did find them out, someone sent them to me. Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay, did you get yours today, I got mine yesterday, that’s why I walk this way. You know how you can tell when a moth farts? He flies in a straight line. Do you realize that somewhere in the world is the worst doctor? Has to be, process of elimination, sooner or later you’re gonna find the worst doctor. And the weird part is that… someone has an appointment to see him tomorrow. Yeah, I know, youse are trying to butter me up. Don’t give me that shit. Yes, in goddamn deed. I love that dog. I’ve never seen him and I love him. He’s gonna be wonderful when I meet that dog. Hey, you want a dog? You want a goddamn dog? Go ahead man, you can have a dog. I got three of them, man. You want a fucking dog? You have it man, it’s yours. Lots of people got lots of goddamn doggies. And you don’t even have to have one to learn about doggies, your friend might have a dog. It could be your friend’s dog. He makes you… that makes him your dog friend. You go to visit your friend and his dog is there and you pet him. Hi, hello. How are you Sneezie? You’re wonderful. Hello, goddamn. I mean, for that moment, he’s your dog. So you can have someone else’s dog for a while. Hi, he likes, he likes me. I think, oh my God, look at this doggie here. Goddamn doggies. There’s lots of things to know about him, too. Lots of things you learn. You don’t know where always, and you can’t remember. For instance, can you remember the first time you found out that by scratching a dog here, you could make this leg go like that. And, that you could make it stop when you stop. Goddamn, I’m in complete control of this dog. Or that you can make their head tilt from across the room just by making a funny noise. You go… and he goes. Oh look honey, isn’t he cute? Let’s get his head fixed so he stays like that. Oh, you can get their heads done. Cost you a bundle, and they don’t like it. Makes them move to the same side all the time. Cute little goddamn doggie. Do you ever eat candy right in front of your dog? I don’t mean a Milky Way. I mean one at a time candy, like M&Ms. And you watch where he’s looking, he’s following your fingertips. Oh, boy, this asshole drops one Jujube, I’m going for his femoral artery. Did you ever spell in front of your dog? Some of them are smart. You’ve gotta spell. Honey, do we have any more b-o-n-e-s? B, they know the sound of B alone. B, bone, bone, bone. Take it easy, take it easy. You know, there’s all kinds of dogs, and all sizes of dogs, too. There’s a lot of goddamn big dogs, you know, big dogs. I don’t mean big. I don’t mean a big dog. I mean a fucking-big-dog. Some people have got goddamn big doggies. Look like they ought to have commercial license plate on them. Livestock dogs. What the hell is that? That’s my dog. He blocked out the sun. That’s Tiny. Little dog is different. Little dog will get around and do fine. He’ll jump all he wants. I don’t know how they jump so high. They got little teeny legs like this. They got legs, if you feel a little dog’s leg, it feels like a beef jerky in there, man. They can jump up on the bed all they want to. Holy God, do that again. Oh, man, one more time. I make him keep doing it till he can’t reach anymore, boom, boom, boom. Then if I want him up there, I’ll put him up there. And sooner or later, what’s gonna happen with the little dog? Sooner or later, lying on the bed he’s gonna create an incident. He’s gonna make one of you humans turn to the other and say, whew. Honey, did you fart? Not me, I thought you farted. Not me, whew. That’s not even one of my farts. I’ve got four farts, and that’s not one of mine. I’ve got my Heineken’s fart, I got my broccoli fart, my rice pudding fart, and my non-dairy creamer fart, and that’s not one of my farts. I know… the dog farted. Tippy, why did you fart? Look at him, he knows he farted. I seen his asshole open up. I seen it. Well, I happened to be looking at his asshole by chance. What kind of a question is that? I thought he was doing them deep breathing exercises. You see, dogs have nothing to do. There’s no job description for a dog. They’re forced to wait for something to happen that they can get in on. If you do something, they’ll be glad to join you. But they rarely initiate any activity on their own. They’re just waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting and waiting. Waiting to come in, waiting to go out, waiting to eat, waiting to crap, waiting to wake up, waiting to sleep, waiting to go upstairs, waiting to go downstairs. Sometimes they’re just waiting to wait. You ever seen a dog just standing there? He don’t know what he’s waiting for, but if it happens, he’ll be ready. Just a waiting and a waiting, waiting for you to come home. They don’t understand time. A dog doesn’t know the difference between an hour and a half or next week. He thinks you’re going to be gone forever. That’s the only time period dogs really understand, forever. That’s how long they think everything lasts. That’s how long they think everything takes, forever and ever. Did you ever scratch your dog behind the ears? Oh boy, they love that, huh? The more you scratching your doggie behind the ears and he really loves that, and you’re looking at him and everything, and when you finally stop he looks at you like you’re a criminal. He thought it was gonna go on and on and on. Same thing when you feed them, soon as they get finished they say, where the fuck’s the food? They thought it was the loaves and the fishes, it was gonna last forever and ever. Dog don’t know, they must think we’re gonna be gone forever, otherwise why would they act the way they do when we finally get home. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home. I didn’t know what to do. You know what? I don’t know how to operate the can opener. How do you operate the can opener? I didn’t know what to do, man. What, do you push it down? I couldn’t think of it. Do you know what? Do you know what I did? I took a can of dog food and I rolled it down the hill, and hoped a truck ran it over. That’s all I could think of, man. I mean, they’ll do that if you even just forgot your hat. You come back in eight seconds, oh boy, oh boy, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home. I was gonna eat your bird, I couldn’t find the bird. Where the fuck’s the bird? Will you stop that, I was just here. God, they get you mad sometimes, don’t they? Do you ever get mad at your dog, and you feel really dumb and you get all the way to work and you’re still pissed at your pet. What’s the matter, Dan? Well, the dog, goddamn it, never mind. He chewed the legs off everything. Okay, I’ll see you at lunch. Dog don’t care. He’ll do whatever is next. He don’t know what’s next, but he’ll do something. They’ll do two things in a row that don’t go together. You ever seen a dog walking through a room and suddenly he stops and chews his back for 18 minutes? And then when he’s finished chewing, as if it were scheduled for right then, of course, then when he’s finished he doesn’t even know where it was he was gonna go. Where was I gonna go? Oh, shit, oh, I think I’ll go over here. Oh, this is nice over here. I think I’ll keep coming over here. He don’t know, he don’t care. Dog don’t care. Like I say, he’ll do anything. He might embarrass you. He might do something inappropriate when you have company, huh? You might have some folks in visiting you, some of them you don’t know that well, trying to impress a couple of them. Hey, you might be trying to borrow money off one of these studs. Dog is lying out there in the living room, you got all these people sitting around, you got a little chip, a little dip. Dog’s in full view of everyone, got carrot sticks, celery sticks, little lady fingers, finger ladies, all sorts of little things that you got. And everybody’s eating nicely, and you look down and you realize that the dog is licking his balls. No one says anything, no one mentions it, spectacular thing going on. Hey, if I could reach, I’d never leave the house. Are you kidding? Poor little guy. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean it. He’ll come, he’ll apologize to you. He’ll come around a few hours later and apologize. He’ll give you that doggie look, give you them eyes, you know, they have such a great expression, almost human. Sometimes we say that. Isn’t he, look, he looks almost human, Dan. They do, you know? They look like they know something about your mother. They’re not willing to mention it right away. They’re just looking at you like they got a trig problem they can’t quite solve. There’s a, there’s a sad look in their eyes, all the sadness in the world is right in the eyes of a dog. Did you ever do this? Look right into your doggie’s eyes and think of something really sad. And it’ll look like it’s happening to your dog. Strangest thing, they look at you like that. You know why they have so successful a look, cause they got eyebrows. Dogs have eyebrows, or at least little ridges that pass for eyebrows. They got little things… that they can manipulate, just like we do. Oh, please… please daddy, one… more… treat. Cats can’t look at you like that. Cats don’t look at that… cats look at you coldly, as if they’re testing new eyes. Reason cats look different, cats don’t have eyebrows. Cats have a bunch of shit sticking out of their head. They thought it was gonna be an eyebrow, but it didn’t work out. Let’s not tell them, they think it’s an eyebrow. It’s just a bunch of shit, sticking out of their heads. Cats are all different. They do everything different than a doggie. Cats are cute, cats are goddamn cute. Isn’t he cute? Look at him, God, he’s cute. He’s a kitty cat. That’s how cute they are. They needed two names. Kitty wasn’t cute enough, kitty cat. Isn’t he cute? The kitty cat, look at him. Isn’t he cute? Let’s drown him. He’s a cute little goddamn kitty cat, ain’t he? Look. Stick on the wall, see if he hangs up there. Whoa! Little goddamn kitty cat. They’re so goddamn cute when they’re teeny. I hope he stays that size forever. He’s darling. Isn’t he wonderful? Cute little goddamn kitty cat. They can jump any way they want. When they’re teeny, they can jump straight up in the air without a run. They just go vooom. They can even jump backwards to the side. How’d he do that? Holy shit. They can do anything. Jump and be cute as can be, cute goddamn kitty cat. Isn’t he cute? God, I love them. They’re so cute. They’re even cute when they kill. Isn’t he, Look, he’s playing with the mouse. Bullshit. Mouse doesn’t feel that way. They’re cute. Oh, he’s so precious, just tearing the throat right out of that bird. Cute as can be. They kill, see, they like to kill something. That’s what they want to do, that’s why they act so nice. They wanna go yaaah. Even when they’re teeny, when they’re just born. You take a baby, baby, that is a human, you take a baby dog and a baby cat, and you attack all three of them, which I try never to do if I can help it, but you’ll get three different results. You attack a baby, he cries. You attack a puppy, he cowers. You attack kitty cat, he fights. One day old, they’re looking for some shit. They ain’t even got their eyes open, they’ll grab anything. Nasty little cute thing. Cute little nasty guy. Oh, they’re wonderful, God love them. They’re so physical. That’s what’s fun. They’re so physical. They love to rub on you. They love to rub on you. If you’ve got a leg and a cat, whew, you got a party. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, I love his leg, oh boy. I’m rubbing on his leg, oh boy, oh boy. If you got two legs, shit, jubilee celebration time. Oh boy, two legs, hot shit. I can do the figure eight. They love to do the figure eight, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I love to rub on his leg. They’ll rub against your leg even if you’re not there yet. You might still be 50 feet down the hall, they see you coming, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, soon I’ll be rubbing on his leg, soon. They’ll even walk sideways so they don’t miss you, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. They love it. They’re so physical. You don’t have to pet a cat, you just put your hand over him and he’ll do all the work, man. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. You pet him, you ever pet a cat who’s lying absolutely flat, and before you’re halfway finished his ass is way up in the air. Like you pressed the ass button or something. Isn’t he a cute little… holy shit, how did he do that? Then they jump on your chest and put their ass right in your face. Here’s my ass, dad, check this ass, huh? And while they’re showing you their ass, they give you some of this stuff. I say get him off of me, Jesus, I hate that. I don’t even know what it is, and I don’t like it. It looked like they’re into some bad drug. There’s one other quality cats have, which, uh, I admire, cats don’t accept blame. They don’t embarrass at all. A cat does something dumb, you’d never know it by looking at him. Dog knocks over a lamp, you can tell who did it just by looking at the dog. Not the cat. Cat doesn’t accept any blame. Cat moves along to the next activity. What’s that? Not me, fuck that, I’m a cat. Something break, ask the dog. Cat doesn’t get embarrassed. You ever seen a cat race across a carpet and crash into a glass door? I meant that, I meant that, I meant that. That’s exactly how I wanted that to look. Fucking meow, fucking meow, fucking meow. That’s what they say when they get behind the couch. A cat’s too proud to let you see him suffer, but you look behind the couch and you’ll find your cat recuperating from a domestic accident. They got little slings and walkers, you know. Tried to make the window from the lamp. Little kitty cat, goddamn kitty cat. Do you realize Hitler only had one ball? What do you think about a man with one ball? Do you think he has two strikes against him? Maybe he’s got one ball and two strikes. Hitler only had one ball. A lot of people don’t know that. A lot of people don’t know that. They say Hitler, geez, he had a lot of balls… one. For some time I was trying to get a list of words together that would fairly represent the dirty words, cause nobody gives you a list of dirty words for life, have you noticed that? There’s some words that are perfectly clean but sound like they could be filthy if you gave them just a little help. A word like pussyfoot. It’s perfectly clean. But when you say pussyfoot there’s a little giggle, cause people know that with a little help this word could be filthy. No matter what form of the verb you try, it’s clean as a verb, but pussyfoot could be a noun. It could be a noun, pussyfoot, a rare disorder. A female birth defect. Hello boys, I have pussyfoot. God, you sure do, lady. And I love them open-toed shoes you have on. Well, I’d rather have pussyfoot than woodpecker, I can say that. Or beer nuts. God, that must be awful. Beer nuts, the official disease of Milwaukee. I know whenever I see the little canister behind the bar, I drop in a couple of dollars for beer nuts. I think we need a lot more research on beer nuts. Or, cotton balls. Which is the dreaded final stage of beer nuts. When my beer nuts turn to cotton balls, I’ll be heading home to you. It’s an old Southern hymn. Lots of little phrases like that in the language that don’t quite say what they mean. Take a shit is another one. Take a shit!? You don’t take shit, you leave a shit! That’s the whole idea, to leave it. I left a shit. Fine, thank you, Jeff. Where’d you leave it? In the icebox. I’m gonna take a shit. Don’t take one of mine! I only have two left and the weekend is coming up. Why don’t you go home and take one of your own shits. Guy’s always mooching off me. He must think I’m made of shit or something. Boy, that shit don’t grow on trees, you know? Well, enough of that shit. Lots of little phrases like that. Pick your nose is, well, blow your nose. Blow your nose is a phrase. Imagine that, blowing your nose. I don’t believe they really mean that, do you? You can’t blow your nose. I believe it’s physically impossible to blow your nose. You might get somebody else to blow your nose, but it would have to be a real good friend. Cocktails, another clean word. You can advertise them. You can put up signs all over town, cocktails. As long as you use both halves of the word, perfectly fine. But you can’t advertise either one of those two items if you break those words in half. They’ll come and take your sign down. Cocktail, it’s okay. It depends on how you say that kind of word. You ladies like some cocktails? Hey lady, you want a cocktail? Cockpit. Men will actually laugh about that, cockpit. Get it? Oh yeah. Bangkok, there’s a lovely city. How would you like to be a hooker in Bangkok? It would seem like a natural habitat. Peacock. NBC is really proud of their peacock. You know what a female peacock is? A peacunt. My list, I was just trying to isolate the words that were always filthy, not the ones that were sometimes dirty. And the original list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. This was all I could think of in one sitting, just one try. But we had to add some, we had shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, and then we added fart, turd and twat, which also don’t have other meanings. You know, twat’s twat, and that’s that. But after a while, it didn’t take long, well, it took quite a while. But I finally discovered that there are only two words on the list you really had to deal with to sort of look at the double standard that television uses where language is concerned. Uh, the two words were fart and fuck. Those are the only two. They seem similar because you can’t say either one of them. You can’t say fart and you can’t say fuck. No matter how cleverly you try to work them in, no matter how clinical the conversation is, fart and fuck will not show up on the final tape. You simply cannot say them. But that’s where the similarity ends, cause at least with the word fuck, even though you can’t say the word fuck, you can talk about fucking. Oh, you can refer to fucking, there’s lots of fuck talk going on, on TV, they just don’t call it fucking. That’s the secret, they don’t use that word. There’s plenty of fuck talk. You see people who wrote a book about fucking. You’ll see a guy on a talk show who wrote a book about fucking. How to fuck, who to fuck, when to fuck, why to fuck and how to feel after you fuck. This man is a fuck expert and he wrote a fuck book, and he’s talking to Merv Griffin about fucking, and they’re getting away with it cause they don’t call it fucking. Same with the soap operas, everybody, you take a look at a soap opera, and you know everybody is fucking somebody on a soap opera. And if they’re not fucking somebody, they’re trying to fuck somebody. Will he fuck her, did he fuck her, has he fucked her, should he fuck her, can he fuck her some more, will they fuck too much, will they get silly from fucking, who is fucking who, that’s all you want to know, is what the fuck is going on, on this program here. You know that somebody is getting fucked, and you think it’s you. So there’s lots of fuck talk, and there’s plenty of fucking on television, they just don’t call it fucking. They call it everything else. Now, on the other hand, farts, not only can you not mention the word fart, but you can’t refer to farts at all. That’s how bad farts are, they’re worse than fucking. You never hear anybody talking about farts on TV. You’ve never seen a guy who wrote a book on farts; how to fart, who to fart at, how to feel after you fart. There’s no fart experts on the Merv Griffin Show, you don’t see any farts or fart references, it’s a fart free zone. Wouldn’t you think after 35 years one guy by now would have gone, whew? Just once, just once I’d like to see someone on the Johnny Carson panel say, Hey, Ed, move down, man. That was a Clydesdale fart. Well, anyway, uh, after a while I realized that I was needlessly restricting myself to seven words, and only to the ones that weren’t allowed on TV. I mean, there were a lot more to be looked at, and television isn’t the only place that objects to your language sometimes. There are lots of situations where you’re not supposed to say that. So I expanded the list by as many as I could, and I’d like to share some with you now. This list is a little longer than it was before. First we start with the ones we already know; shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat. Crap, balls, prick, asshole, jackoff, jerkoff, scumbag, douche bag, hard-on, rod-on, boner, stiff, piss hard, blue balls, nookie, cooze, gash, slash, hole, slit, snatch, box, beaver, pussy, bearded clam, gism, cum, cream, juice, pecker, peckerhead, peckertracks, dick, dork, dong, doniker, wang, shlong, shwans, pork, crabs, ass, butt, heinie, tuckus, bum, buns, cheeks, screw, lay, diddle, plow, hump, bang, poke, batter, wham, knock up, bugger, ground, jugs, bazooms, knockers, knobs, lungs, balloons, dildo, joy stick, hair pie, muff, cornhole, rim job, blow job, sugar bowl pie, suck off, give head, sit on my face, butt fuck, finger fuck, clap, bleat, 69, 71 which is 69 with two fingers up your ass, daisy chain, circle jerk, cock teaser, wet dream, cunt struck, pussy whipped, short arm, tuna taco, group grope, milking the chicken, bulldagger, gangbang, ball breaker, ball buster, merkin, bananas and cream, up the old dirt road, around the world, beat your meat, whack off, flogging your dong, pounding your pud, beating the bishop, poontang, dingleberry, sit on it, fudge packer, milking the lizard, fart face, old fart, farting around, fart sniffer, ream, snake, raincoat, quickie, queer, queen, putz, put out, push, beef injection, dog style, pop your cookies, bust your nuts, one-eyed monster, knob, pocket pool, tail, piddle, paddle the pickle, one-man band, snapper, notch, garage, shaft, stick, piece of ass, goddammit, pimp, hooker, punk, faggot, dike, lezzie, box lunch, sea food, hand job, hammer, hatch, head job, hot nuts, hum job, prong, jelly roll, jerk the gherkin, lob, meat whistle, cheese, cat fan, middle leg, wanking, bootie, love muscle, snappin’ pussy, bitch, bastard, clam, bite the brown, going up mustard road, bone on, bush, button, cunt lapper, cherry, tool, dingus, quif, quim, get off, joint, peace, stem, root, crack, cootch, crud, eat me, fuck you, up your ass, get laid, fuck off, piss off, piss on you, stick it, stuff it, ram it, jam it, cram it, horny, peter, the one-eyed wonder worm, piece of ass, little brown eyeball, golden showers, pound cake, boy in the boat, brown eyes, brown nose, sloppy seconds, Mongolian cluster fuck, rod of love, copping a feel, copping a cherry, copping a joint, on the rag, flying the flag, riding the cotton pony, dipping your wick, going down on, dry hump, fist fuck, skin flute, french job, furburger, nuts, get your rocks off, get in, get it up, hung, ginch, gobble, diesel dock, rubber, shoot… diesel dike that was… syph, wad, cocksman, tit fuck, tongue, rough trade, trick, weenie and yodeling in the gully. Thank you and I’ll see you next time. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pablo-francisco-ouch-live-san-jose-2006-full-transcript/ | Pablo Francisco: Ouch! Live From San Jose (2006) – Full Transcript | pablo francisco | “Are you ready?” “Brokeba…homies”. That’s good. It’s about a six on that one. “Are you ready?” Pablo! Pablo! “All right, here we go.” No, that’s a three at most. “Alright. Hey.” “Hi, I’m William Hung. Hello.” That’s about a seven. Pablo! Pablo! “Are you ready? Are you? Are you ready?” Yes, I’m ready. Okay. Alright. Here we go. – Ouch. Yes! Thank you for coming out. Yeah, the music, yeah. So what’s up, San Jose? Scream at me! Right there, baby. Sing it! It’s good to be here. I was in San Francisco last night. That place is just off the hook. Party. Drinking. You gotta go to rehab after you go to San Francisco. “Hi, my name is Pablo. It’s the lights of San Francisco!” I saw some band last night. Did you ever go on a blind date with a chick? This chick was hot. “Come on, let’s go out, let’s do it!” Let’s go to dinner. “Let’s go to a concert, let’s go!” Okay, anything for pussy. Come on, let’s go. We saw some Death Metal band. Yeah, the singer sings like… “This is pretty funny, who are they?” “This is real serious!” “Decomposure! That’s David Bloodclot from Decomposure.” Do we have some of that music? Play some of it. Yeah, that’s a jazzy part. “Yo, sing it, baby!” Cut it off. He gives me the album. “Here’s our album, man, play it when you’re…” And they took themselves seriously. “Our next song comes from our first album.” “What’s he saying? I don’t know.” “He’s a monster, he sings like a creature.” “Hell, yeah!” “And they all have goatees and look menacing.” “Right on. Badass. This song’s about politics and Israel. Hell, yeah.” They’re all idiots. “This song is from our first album, Fight for a Stupid Cause.” How do you write lyrics to that? “Umm, let’s see here. I don’t know if I…” “Maybe…” “Dude, how do you spell…?” “How do you spell that? I’ve got writer’s block.” “My musical influences are Cookie Monster…” “Is cookie! Is cookie!” “…Jabba the Hut…” “…my cat when it’s in pain..” “Come on, get it from here. Come on.” “Come on, get out.” “He’s a monster singer. Sounds like a creature.” Background bassist: Chewbacca. “Got my background orchestra.” Bullcrap. “I work part time at Hot Topic.” Have you seen the freaks that work there? I love that place. I want to get a good laugh. Let me go to the Hot Topic. They’re Gothic. They’re cool. Have you ever walked in there? “Can you help me?” Darkness falls across the land The midnight hour’s close at hand Selling clothes for you to return Every employee has lip rings or ear… They change them every day so they don’t know what hole to put them in. Maybe this one today. And black fingernail polish. That’s… There’s a leak somewhere. They’ve probably got leaks where they put their earrings… “Where’s that coming from?” “Get me a bucket of water so I can find it.” “There it is! Found it.” Lip rings! They’ve got lip rings. One’s okay, but like, twelve of them? Hellraiser! It looks like a paper shredder, or something. “Do you want your receipt, Sir?” “Credit cards are not working, man!” “I’ve got a chain that goes from my eyebrow to my ear-” “- all the way down to my nipple. I pull and it flushes the toilet.” “I’ve got a silver nugget in my pecker.” “Make it longer. Nuggets.” “I go through all the pain that I covered up.” “I’ve got a nugget. If I can’t get it up when I’m drunk, I use a magnet.” “Put it on the refrigerator. Get some lettuce, bread, beans, milk.” Beans. “Beans?” “That’s right, man, and I’ve got tattoos, bro.” Every Death Metal guy has tattoos. “I’ve got tattoos that represent nothing.” “Well, this one represents I can’t hold my liquor at 3 a.m.” “And this one right here is a dragon, and skeleton-” “- that merges into…it transforms.” You ladies really screw up on your tattoos. “I’m going to get my little Japanese symbols.” Yeah, right. “Let’s tease him, girls. Come on.” “Let’s go to the nightclub and show how wild we are. Come on.” “It’s Japanese!” Hey, great. But I can’t read Japanese. “It means ‘freedom’. In Japanese.” In Korean it means ‘kick me’. “Stop it! Don’t!” You gotta live up to it, though. If you’ve got a tattoo, you’ve got to live up to it. “I’m wild, but deep inside I’m a big wuss.” “You want to party? Come on, what’s up?” They’re like, “No, I got a test in the morning”. Don’t be a rookie. If you wear a tattoo, like Cher. She knows how to wear a tattoo. You know Cher… Baby save all your tears The little string up the butt. If I can turn back time Yeah. She makes you feel. She knows the man’s mentality. You feel like you’ve had sex with her when you talk to her. Have you seen that video? If I can turn back time She’s on that big ol’ boat with the Navy guys. Every single one of them is thinking, “We’re going to fuck her!” And she leaves them, Blue balls you’ve got big blue balls Look at that picture. At the funhouse, “Make it in the mouth”. “Come on guys. One ball in, think of the prizes you can get.” “Come on down to the Fair Pablito. Here’s one, make it in the eye.” “We’re going to the fair, Booboo.” Ladies. “I’m going to get the American flag.” Or get Indian. Indian Cherokee. That’s what I’m going to get on my woman’s butt. “Right there. It means ‘all talk, no play’.” Ladies, if you want to turn on the guy, get the Xbox controller. Do that. “Game over.” Guys, if you get a tattoo, make it work for you. Right here, on your belly, get half a gun. “What’s up, man?” “Whoa, shit!” “He has a gun, whoa.” “I’m coming in this party, wassup?” “Whoa.” If you have a small pecker, get a bigger pecker. Get a police badge or something. You’re drunk in your car, a cop pulls you over. “I can drink in this jurisdiction.” But thank you for coming out to the show here in San Jose. It’s great. San Jose, you’ve got that little train that goes into downtown. That’s kind of trippy. Bar, sidewalk, train. “Let’s drink and then…” No guardrails to help you out. Like a real train: “Watch out, you may die if you cross this.” This one just… You gotta watch out. I saw some guy running in a suit, and his tie is caught in there. “Hey, there’s my friend, I want to…” I’ve used the train to my advantage. “Come on, you want some crap?” “Wassup, step back, man. You want something, let’s do it.” “Step back…” You have no gentlemen’s club here. You have non-alcoholic nude bars. “I’m on my way to the non-alcoholic nude bar.” “A round of waters for all my friends.” “Get me an orange juice that tastes like melted popsicle and spit.” I know those… From the first… “It’s going to happen. She likes me. Yep.” “Dang, man!” It’s the non-alcoholic nude bar! I’d rather watch my sister shower naked. Non-alcoholic nude bar! You’ve only got Coke and whatever…water. Bring your own juice, they get pissed off. “You got your own juice? Get the hell out of here.” Bring your own liquor, that’s what you can do. Orange juice with a little bit of…mmm, vodka. The girls get pissed off at all naked bars. “It’s a fantasy, baby. It’s a fantasy.” “Where are you from? Come on, let’s party.” “This is a fantasy. While the song’s playing, we’re in it together.” “Then fantasize this one dollar bill is a twenty.” At the non-alcoholic nude bar! Then I went to San Francisco. Chinatown. Chinatown. Alright. Chinatown, alright. Everybody walks fast in Chinatown. “Leave me alone. I very angry.” “Very sad. Very angry.” “Can you tell me where to go to a good restaurant?” “Leave me alone.” Everyone’s just walking fast. Everyone walks fast in Chinatown. If Chinatown had music, it would be… They walk fast in Chinatown… “I have to go to the bathroom…” Okay. “Very angry.” How do you get directions in Chinatown? “What you need to do is go…down… up…” “When you get to… you’ve gone too far.” They’re smart, though. They speak American and Chinese. Only when they step out of Chinatown, though. “…and I got the Dobson Report the other day.” “Let me go back there and check that out.” Chinatown. Chinatown. My friend lives in Chinatown. One of my best friends lives there. He lives in an all-Chinese residence. And you can hear the Chinese people having sex. The walls are thin, I thought it would be like… But it’s not like that. It’s like… “What, are they having sex? What’s going on over there?” “Are they fighting?” “That’s what I thought.” “I thought they were fighting, but they’re really getting it on.” They go slow and then they end quick. When they’re done, that music comes on. You want to see what they look like. Are they a hot couple? ‘Cause in Chinatown. Everyone looks like Jackie Chan in Chinatown. Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan! “Jackie Chan’s the nicest guy in every movie.” Thank you. Thank you. “But everybody wants to mess with him.” “Leave me alone. What happening?” Have you seen this movie? “What happening? Leave me alone!” “He’s the nicest guy in every movie-” “- but everybody wants to mess with him.” “Do you want the diamonds? Leave me alone.” “He’s been taking martial arts for twenty-five years.” “But I want no trouble.” “I’ve just been studying punches and breaking necks, but for exercise.” “I want no… Leave me alone.” That’s every Jackie Chan movie… The guy is up to a headlock, kick. “You must make a stupid face when you do it.” “He can really take on 12 people, dude.” Bullcrap. Do you believe all that martial arts stuff? “Bruce Lee is badass.” They put some colored paint on his chest. “He can really take on 12 people.” Of course he can! “Near miss. You go down on purpose. I tell you what to do.” “Check’s in the mail.” “Leave me alone.” “Jackie Chan…” He always says the word ‘pan’ when he fights. “Pan. Pan. Leave me alone. Pan.” What, spraystick non-Pan? “No. Leave me alone. Pan.” “He’s the nicest guy in every movie-” “- but everybody wants to mess with him.” “Hey you, what are you eating?” “I eat banana.” “Leave me alone.” “Get him!” “Hey you, where are you going?” “I’m going to church.” “Leave me alone.” “What’s that noise?” “I’m breathing.” “Get him!” Remember when martial arts were just real? Now they just walk on water. Walk on water. “I jump four stories to kick you.” “Jet Li is all special effects.” “Kill him.” “Here come bullet.” In every movie, Jackie Chan tries to play a different character. In Shanghai Noon he’s an Indian. “I am Indian. Hello.” “Hello. I am Indian. Hello.” “He’s an Indian. I believe he’s an Indian.” With Owen Wilson… Oh, it’s cool. He’s an Indian. ” Rumble in the Bronx.” He’s a store owner, he owns a store. “You leave my store alone.” “I’m cool. I’m cool.” “In Rush Hour 2 he’s a detective.” “Hello. Ding-dong.” “Rush Hour. Cover me!” “He’s a detective.” He’s Drunken Master, have you seen that one? “Drunken master, hello. Ding-dong.” ” Drunken Master.” What next? He’ll try to be a standup comedian? “In the forbidden world of comedy-” “- it takes one man to change a light bulb.” “He traded his black belt for the Borscht Belt.” “His own government dared him to go on stage.” “Knock-knock. Who’s there? Jackie Chan’s Fight Night at the Apollo.” “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Beef.” “Beef who?” “Beef broccoli.” “He does his own stunts-” “- but unfortunately, he does his own jokes.” “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Orange.” “Orange who?” “Aren’t you able to kick your ass?” “You! Your mother is so fat.” “How fat is she?” “She’s so fat, her intestinal tract is Great Wall of China.” I wrote that one yesterday. “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Boo.” “Boo who?” “Crybaby” “You’ve probably seen all those martial arts in their stupid styles.” “Like ‘crane’.” “I stand like a crane.” “Bear.” “I learn from bear.” “Mantis.” “He knows, praying mantis.” “As a young child, they put him in the desert.” “Then he learned from a praying mantis.” Mine would be: “Paper. Rock. Scissor.” “Paper in your face.” “Rock in stomach. Scissor on nutsack.” Or Molesto. That would be mine. “He molests his own opponents.” “Watch out, he’s going to touch you in your thingy. Watch out.” “And he dry humps.” “What the hell? Watch out.” “I’m going to touch your dirty spot.” “He’s going to touch your dirty spot.” “He’II grab you for dry humping.” “He’II make them feel unsure.” “I’m leaving this fight, I’m unsure.” “I need a counselor.” “Go and see the master, go to see counselor.” Holy smoke, I’m sweating my butt off. There we go. Yeah. You guys are great for coming out. Thanks for coming out to the special. Alright. Spider-Man. I saw Spider-Man again. I just realized Spider-Man’s a big puss. Isn’t he? “Don’t die, Uncle Ben.” “Hey, Booboo. Hey. Mary Jane.” “Going to get some pussy, Boo?” Spider-Man: “Uncle Ben! Don’t die!” “Peter! You’re a pussy.” You’re a blocker. You’re a cockblocker. Cockblocker. He’s a sex blocker. I can say it since it’s Comedy Central. Sex blocker. Basically a guy who will go out of his way to make sure- – another guy doesn’t get intimate with a woman. He messes up the foreplay, even the sex. He’II knock on the door when you’re in a bedroom. “Dude, you gotta feed your fish!” “Yeah, Dude, they’re on top of the tank.” “Hey, nice to meet you. I’m Brian.” Spider-Man is a big cockblock, isn’t he? He’s a blocker. That’s what the Green Goblin should have said- – when he had him gassed up: “Okay, Spider-Man.” “I ought to squash you like a bug.” “But you, going around New York, blocking everybody.” “Don’t you know Mary Jane’s going out with Harry?” “But no. You’re blocking everybody.” “You and the Daredevil are a bunch of cockblockers.” Because any superhero can get any puss. I guess so. “With great powers comes great pussy.” That’s right, they do. He’s Captain SexBlocker. Sexblocker. Look, it’s a truck, it’s an asshole, it’sa SexBlocker. Able to sexblock a whole bar. “You gotta pick up that wedding ring.” “Where’s those diapers? I thought you were gay. Did you fix that?” That’s right. He blocked that whole damn bar. He’s Captain SexBlocker. That’s right, my roommate. Every guy has his own technique. My roommate does. And every guy denies it, too. “Dude! It’s bros before hos.” Alright. “I would never do that.” Every guy has a technique. My roommate would do this to me. I’d be this close to getting a girl home. “You want to party?” “Yeah, let’s do it.” “You’re hot.” “Okay, it’s cool.” “Let me go to the bathroom.” My roommate: “Did you know he has herpes?” “Are you serious? Oh my God.” “I don’t know you, but I care about you.” “And he has herpes. Don’t look over there, he’s over there.” “Oh my god. I’m getting out of here, this is terrible.” “Hey, where’d she go? Who did this to me?” Captain SexBlocker! When you’re at the house, at the house, that’s the worst. You know, every guy has his own technique. He makes the 90120 faces. Did you ever watch those shows? They make that face like they’re smelling something bad. Is that Luke Perry’s ‘Dylan does it’? “On the next 901-whatever-20.” “Dylan’s dick is one inch.” You’ve got to smile at the end. “And Jason comes along, too.” He has a lot of pictures of himself. He’s a male dancer- at the Stardust in Las Vegas. He leaves 8 x 10 pictures of himself over the fireplace. The girls check it out. There are stupid ones, too. You know, posing. Who does that? “Girls check it out.” “Dude, why do you put your picture up there?” “Because when girls come over and they see I’m a male dancer…” “They put down their defenses, you know.” And he has really cheesy ones. And girls come over and see it. “Oh my god, who is this?” “You are so hot.” “Really? Thanks.” The girl goes, “I was a Budweiser girl, then Jaegermeister”. “My boss has a nice pool and he gets a photographer to come over.” “You want to see my portfolio? – Pablo, you don’t mind, do you?” “Let’s go in my room for seven hours.” And take her away. I think the best way to cockblock somebody… The best way to block somebody is this: Burn a disc of the cheesiest songs. So when he brings home a girl, just play that music. “Pablo, this is Brittany. We’re going to be in the bedroom.” “Can I play some music so I don’t hear the thumping?” “Yeah, go ahead.” I can’t stop this… “Dude, what the hell?” You can’t hump to that. Just keep on. Just keep playing music. “I’m sorry.” Tequila You gotta time it right. When the bed creaks, put the next song on. He did the Monster Mash I was working in the lab Late one night “Dude, what’s up, man?” Wake up Make up On the table Any System of a Down song you can’t… Whatever that was. It’s gotta be 1950s songs or something. Can you imagine someone pumping to that? Lollipop, lollipop… “I’m really sorry about this.” “Dude, what’s up, man?” “I’m playing music, what’s the deal?” Or put William Hung on. That would be good. Talk to me Tell me your name You got to… You got to… Right on, William Hung. Sing it, baby. Talk to me William Hung. He took the American Dream and shit on it. I saw him in real life. He really talks like that, I swear to God. He does, and he has an ego, did you know that? I go, “Hey! William Hung!” Don’t talk to me, don’t tell me your name “Wait, William Hung, wait!” William Hung… We all played the best practical joke on him. We don’t even know each other and we just, “Do it! Fuck it.” “Say he’s good, let him sing.” “You’re good, man. You go out there and show them!” “You really think so? You really think I can do it?” Talk to me, tell me your name He has a Christmas album out. Hung for Christmas Now he’s dissin’ on our holidays. That’s why his face is so flat. He went Christmas caroling- and they slammed a door in his face. Jingle bell, jingle bell… Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer… Frosty the snowman, he’s a… William Hung. Now he’s coming out with another album. Now he’s doing duets with famous stars, can you believe that shit? I swear to god, stars are lining up. Musicians, to do songs like… I don’t have much But I know I love So let me be Not me to know We no got the eye That’s right, he’s William Hung. “I’m Casey Kasem and now you can hear all your favorite hits-” “- with all your favorite stars.” “That’s right. My head is so big, it’s 10 friends on MySpace.” “That’s right. So sit back, relax and listen to Joe Cocker-” “- with William Hung…” And so we’re up where we belong On a mountainside With a side of rice I can show you the world Sun and shimmering splendor Call me dingdong… If you don’t… “That’s right, he’s not from China, he’s from Singapore.” “Because he sings really poor.” Thank you. And he also does the theme from Grease. My name is William. I sing at the malls. My face is flat. I can bite a wall. Come on. What? His face is flat, I swear to god. I saw him in the Las Vegas airport. His teeth hang out… He looks like sand people. He has those teeth out. They’re off the gumline. What does that sound like? Sounds like people playing basketball. “Man, that was off the gumline.” He should market his teeth. “It slices, it dices.” “It’s the William Hung teeth. That’s right, Susan.” “Take carrots and tomatoes and put it with the William Hung chopper.” She bite, she bite. He’s doing a Mentos commercial. Mentos, remember those commercials? Mentos. You always have a happy ending. Could be a guy robbing a bank, it’d still have a happy ending. It doesn’t matter what comes Freshness better with life Mentos freshness cool of life. Nothing gets to you like Mentos… Talk to me. Talk to me. He’d be a good cockblocker. Black people don’t cockblock, though. They see you with a girl, they compliment you. “Yo, man. Is that your girl?” “Yeah, man, what about it?” “Yeah, go for that, man! Take that, whoa.” You’re in bed with your girl- – and they just come out of the sheets. “Go for that!” “Come on, we don’t got no time!” That’s why they write the best love songs. To break the ice for us. Black people are the most important thing that happened to this country. They want us to break the ice. Put Latino songs on, girls are walking. You never know. You girls change your mind so much. We tried candies, flowers, movies, diamonds. “I don’t know. I may feel like this. Let me go home…” “Maybe I should? Should I sleep with him? I don’t know.” Come on… “No whammies!” “Aw…she changed her mind.” Black people, that’s why they write every song. They could write about… They could write songs about anything. They could write songs about arguing with their women. Shut up. Can’t you see two men are talking. They could write about a transvestite and make it sound good. When I first saw you, baby
I knew you were fine
But you had a dingdong
And it changed my mind
Forget the appetizer
Forget the main course
I knew you were a guy when your voice was hoarse
You got a dingdong and tits
You got a dingdong and tits
Ya know you got a Dingdong and tits Thank you. Your camel toe looks like a catcher’s mitt I’m just joking. “Don’t make fun of black people.” “Chinese people. Latinos. What about that protest? Come on” That protest, they asked me to be in it. “Hey, dude. You want to be in the protest?” I did, I went there. I was driving to a topless bar- – and I took the wrong exit. Next thing you know, I’m in it. “Mexico!” The longest carwash I’ve ever been to. “Hey, dude, yeah.” “Okay, l’II tip you, you…” Never go to a Latino protest with a Datsun 280 ZX. Everyone is, “Hey, you want to sell it?” “Hey, dude, you want to sell it?” The protest. Yeah, black people went there, too. They were there at the protest. “Yo, where’s the pussy?” The protest, they get in your face. “Mexico!” “Mexico! What’s up, dude, Mexico!” “Puerto Rico!” That’s great, can you clean? No! It’s a joke. “Mexico, man! I’m proud, dude. I’m proud of Mexico.” “Go back.” “Screw that shit!” I’m just kidding, come on. Mexico. Mexico. They want jobs. “We want jobs, bro. What do you do?” “I’m a comedian.” I’ve never seen Mexican comedians straight from Mexico. “Over the fence, to the stage. Give it up for Ricky Impanela!” “Okay, how you doing?” “You ready for some bumper stickers?” “I’m a comedian from Mexico, I’ve got some bumper stickers.” “This one reads ‘Jesus Saves because he shops at Walmart’.” “This one says ‘My other car is probably yours’.” “This one says, ‘Guns don’t kill people, my cousin does’.” “Okay, the next time you want to get a family portrait, do what I do.” “Put your whole family in back of a pickup truck-” “- run a red light. It takes a picture.” “You ever go to a Mexican store?” “Did you ever go to a Mexican store-” “- and they got American cereals in Spanish?” “Antonio the Tiger.” “Fruit a Lupes.” “Honey Nut Bandejos.” “And my favorite: ‘Special…que?’.” Some of those guys, they wear the big belt buckles. Have you seen them? The big Latino cowboys. They walk around and the sun hits that and makes it get all hot. It’s like a skillet and it burns their huevos. “Hey! Caramba, the huevos…” “Huevos fritos!” They’re tough, though. They’ll kick your ass. “You got a problem?” “Hey, partner. You got a problem?” “Let’s go, man to man. One on one, me and you.” “Richard! – Let’s do it man, right now.” “Man to man. – Richard!” “Where’s Richard? He took off?” “Okay, tomorrow.” I just can’t get into the cowboy country thing anymore. Whatever it was… “Come on, let’s…” “Hey come on, let’s do it. Let’s do our little dance.” “Look kind of like little vittles.” This is too…don’t you like to get loose when you dance? “I’m free.” “No rules!” Country dancing: “Come on, let’s do…” “What, how do you do this?” You get criticized the whole time. “Step with me!” “I’m trying!” You ever see a tough cowboy walk in the bar like he’ll kick your ass? And then he does the cheesy country dance? “Hey! You want some crap?” “Right here right now! Let’s go! Hey, there’s my song!” Cowboys… Brokeback Mountain, did you see that? They got it at the hotel, I saw a little bit of it. That’s all I saw…a little! I know this cow… Brokeback Mountain. “Two cowboys that were straight went to Brokeback Mountain.” “That soon turned into… Cornhole Canyon.” “Come on.” “…I love you, come on.” “I’m a naked cowboy…” “And I have my boots on, but I’m naked.” “I’m going to get some water from the creek.” “You want to see my bum bum bum buck?” “I’m going to do…water…” They took it out of the theaters because they said- – that the sex scenes were too…explicit. They’re in the tent. “Come on, let’s git…” Put spit in his hand. “You want some, let’s go, me and you, partner.” “Come on, we don’t got all day.” “That’s not butter!” Come on. No condom, no nothing? I mean, jeez. I don’t know if they had a condom, but they had… Can you imagine? Those guys chew tobacco, cowboys. Gets in your culo…hey! “Come on there.” “Spit that out first!” Skoal bandits. “Hey, man. Ride horses?” “No.” Brokeback Mountain. Now they’re coming out with more movies about homosexuality. This next movie, it’s not Brokeback Mountain, it’s about gay gangs. Gay gangs. That’s what they got. Gay gangs in San Francisco. There’s nothing wrong with that. Come on. Here we go. “Out of the closet. Into the streets.” “Not only were they fighting for their love.” “But they were fighting against each other. Gary Busey:” “Hey, man, you better watch it.” “You guys are trying to lick your quack quack in your nutsack.” “And Danny Glover plays a corrupt police chief.” “Yeah, put it in your mouth.” “There you go. Put it in your mouth.” “Put your black sack in my mouth, Jack.” “They were homies. They were homie-sexuals.” You guys are great for coming out. Here it is. After the show, don’t give me drugs. People are like: “You want some pot, man? You look like you’re really high-strung, man.” “Let’s smoke some pot, dude.” “Let’s get in a circle and talk about other pot that we’ve smoked.” “My friend got…” “He gave me a call, see all the buds, man…” They got some weird drugs out there. I went to rehab. Anybody been there? I had to go one time. My parents caught me doing drugs. Ain’t that nice? You’re in high school and gotta go to rehab… I was doing coke and pot and…party! Party! I can’t believe I graduated, I was partying so much. Know how they caught me? This is the funniest thing. My parents left town. They went to South America. “Yeah, let’s party!” And it was my birthday. “Man, they left town on my birthday.” I come back, and it’s a surprise party when I’m high. “Surprise!” That surprise party turned into an intervention. “Go to your room. Why are your eyes all glassy?” “Can we open presents first?” If you ever go to rehab, it’s the weirdest place to go. But I got kicked out, though. After two weeks. I did. I went there because I was having a good time. “I like drugs because I’m partying.” But a lot of people there go: “I do drugs because my Daddy touched me in my bumbum.” “That’s why I drink. My Daddy touched me in my culo.” They must love that. “Because you love to party!” “My Daddy touched me. Get cocaine, hookers and discoteques.” I got kicked out of rehab. I had this one roommate, a kid: “You’re going to go down, bro.” “Huh? What’s going on?” “You’re going to go down, man.” “Why?” “You’re just making a joke out of everything.” And they take you to this AA meeting. I go to the meeting, right. The AA meetings. And you have to tell them everything. “My name is David, and I’m a drug addict.” “My name is Pablo. I sleep with David.” “Whoa, screw you, man! Screw you!” Out you go. Out you go, Pablo. Out you go. My roommate still does drugs. My god, he does cocaine. He gets all paranoid and shit. “Someone’s out the window.” They get high and look out the window. “Someone’s out there.” “What’s up, man? The girls are over here. What’s the deal?” “No, man. Someone’s out here. Someone’s out the…” “Dude, come on. What’s up?” “Let go of me! Someone’s out…” He looked out the window so much, he had a sunburn of the blinds. He looked like a Viper car. So one day I just put a mirror behind there. And he was, “Shit! Whoa!” There’s always that one guy who gets all paranoid and hears voices. “You hear that? Be quiet. Someone’s on the roof.” “You hear that shit? Be quiet, man. Remember at 7-Eleven?” “When you heard that voice, remember? Shh!” “Maybe that guy followed you, bro. Be quiet. Shh.” “He’s upstairs.” “Oh, that’s my heart! Damn it, man, don’t do that!” Thank you. I did ecstacy before, did you ever do that? Like it’s cool. “You ever do that? It’s fun!” I did it in Miami. I know, I was in between shows, two years ago. I’m going to this techno club. By myself. You walk in there… “She asked me to dance two hours ago.” “We’re still going with this.” Those songs last so long, you don’t know when to stop. You’re just dancing with 400 people. And everybody’s high on drugs. They’re on E. They call it E…ecstacy. E. “Are you E-ing?” Some beautiful girl. “Are you E-ing? Come here.” “I want to talk to you. Are you E-ing?” “No, I’m Pablo!” “No, I’m serious.” “Yes, I’m Pablo.” “No. Are you on Ecstacy?” “Ecstacy, what does that do?” “It makes you horny.” I’m like, “Shit. I’m on it right now.” “They must have slipped it in my drink when I was 12.” “I’m serious! If you want some, l’II sell you some.” “How much is it?” “It’s 40 dollars.” “If you buy some, we’II go back to your hotel.” “Let’s do it!” I reach in my pocket to get the money and I realize I’m doing a drug deal. On the dance floor. I swear to God. You know what, the police could be out there, undercover police. So I had to make it look like a dance. She gives me these two pills. I swear to God. And stamped on them is the Mitsubishi sign. I guess they stamp the drugs with like, Superman or Mitsubishi. “Mitsubishi makes this?” “No wonder they sell a lot of cars.” If Mitsubishi really did this, wouldn’t that be cool? That’d be great if they really did. “Would you like a mint before you go on to the showroom?” “I love this car. I love this car.” “I’m going to hump the tailpipe.” It’s going to get really exhausting. So I take both of these pills. Right? Some people here have done this. I didn’t know to take just one. “Take one now. And in 10 hours, take another one.” “Wait. I just took both of those.” “What’s that?” “I just took both of those.” She says, “I gotta go”. “No, come back! Sandy! You just can’t walk out of a drive-in movie.” Next thing you know, the bouncer looks at me. “Yo, man. Yo, man, are you okay?” I walk up to him. “I just took two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy.” “Are you serious? Are you serious, man?” “Yes. I just took two hits.” “I’m over here, man.” “Yes.” “I took two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy.” “Oh, man.” “What’s going to happen?” “You’re either going to go to jail. Or you’re going to die.” “But the good news is, you’re going to feel really good.” “Please, what do I do?” “How long did you take it?” “10 minutes ago.” “Then you’ve got 15 minutes before it kicks in.” “You gotta be in a hotel or something.” My hotel is 8 blocks away. So I figure l’II go. “KITT. I need ya, pal. KITT.” I get into my car. Yeah, and it was a Hertz. I didn’t want it to get towed. So I’m driving, and I see my hotel room. South Beach is packed. I’m going two feet every five minutes. “Get the hell out of the way! Before I have sex with all you guys.” “In a conga line!” I’m driving, and all of a sudden, this warm feeling… Something warm inside. A new world! “Get the hell out of the way” “We’II kill the unicorn tonight.” I’m trying to change the radio station and I’m changing myself. It is like the most craziest… I get into the motel room. “Give me some coke or something. I’m so…” I’m so horny, I’m watching the porno. And I try to hump the TV. I was watching it so much even the people in the porno- – looked at me like I’m weird. “What the hell?” If you’re on two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy, the feeling is like- – having an orgasm every two seconds for six hours. You’re just walking around… I was having sex and sounded like Mr. Magoo. “Oh, you know you want it. Oh, and you know that feels good.” “Oh yeah, Magoo. You’ve done it again.” It’s like having an orgasm for six hours straight. The only problem is you’re walking around with the face. Then you try to smoke marijuana with it. That’s when you really start thinking up the stupid shit. “Chicken pot pie.” “Those are my three favorite things.” Thank you. You do weird stuff when you’re on that stuff. “Old people should use Viagra so they don’t roll off the bed.” Cocaine. Miami. That’s where Scarface is at. “Scarface in Miami.” I’d like to see something crazy. You get all wasted. You get the double DVD box set of Scarface. You see the most crazy shit. “You’ve probably seen AI Pacino as Tony Montana.” “Now on double DVD see footage never seen before.” “See Tony Montana do a drug deal with Kermit the Frog.” “Okay. The money stays in back, okay?” “If I’m not back in 15 minutes, something’s wrong, okay?” “Okay. Let’s go.” “Hiyo! Hola, hola.” “Entra, entra.” “Is it okay if my friend is outside to know that everything’s okay?” “Sure. Come on in.” “This is Mrs. Piggy.” “Hola, Piggy. Hello.” “And I am Kermie.” “And I’m Tony. So, Grover says that you okay.” “That’s good. So do you have the money?” “I don’t know. Did you bring stuff?” “Not with me now, but it’s nearby. It’s in the car, huh?” “No. You want me to go outside, we try again?” “Where you from, Tony?” “What difference where I’m from?” “You stop messing around, frog. Get to the business, okay?” “I just get my stuff at Sesame Street.” “Oh yeah? Can you tell me how to, how to get to Sesame Street?” Thank you. Next stop, New Orleans. “Gotta go to New Orleans.” New Orleans, that’s a strange town. After Katrina. Katrina! It doesn’t even sound evil. Katrina! I think they would have left if it had a different name. Katrina doesn’t sound scary. “Yo, man. Katrina coming?” “Shit. Suck my dick.” They should have called it Scorpio. Hurricane Scorpio. “Scorpio coming. Yeah, let’s get out of here, man.” New Orleans. I was in a hurricane in Florida. Hurricane Georges! Hurricane Georges! That sounds like a pissed-off, gay hurricane. It just comes into town… “Stupid trailer!” “You, car! Get out of here.” “Whose dog is this? In the damn ocean!” “Stinker.” “I’m blowing everything.” New Orleans, man, they make the grossest food there, too. I mean, cajun food. That is made of…what is that? Latin food rules the earth, we all know that. Yes. Cajun food, they get all drunk, like alcoholics. “Hey, are you hungry?” “Let’s cook some jambalaya rice and hot dog weiners.” “And some beer and a milk carton of whiskey.” “What the hell was that? A snail? Put it in there.” “Drink it all up. Swish it in your stomach. Puke it out. Call it gumbo.” Gumbo does look like puke, I swear. Doesn’t it? “It’s like eating backwards.” Everything’s in Tabasco, too. “That’s right, we marinate in tabascy.” “We deep fry it in tabascy oil. Then we smother it in tabascy.” “And then we hickory smoke everything with our breath.” They eat that food everywhere. In their taxicabs while driving. There’s a guy. Big old belly. “What is that smell?” “It’s delicious.” He’s eating it with a fork. “Yeah!” His belly was so big, every time we went over a speed bump- his belly would hit the horn. I played that Grand Theft Auto game. Are you familiar with this? Grand Theft Auto? I’ve never seen anything so evil and fun at the same time. It’s a guy running through town just killing everybody. And getting jumped by Haitian gangs, doing drug deals- – getting hookers, and he wants his money back. All to 1980s music. So I like to do… Yeah, and he’s running through a fake town called San Andreas. We could do it in a real city, with a little help of my friends. We’re going to try one tonight. Grand Theft Auto in San Francisco! Hit it! Hey. Thanks a lot, everybody! Good night! Pablo! Pablo! Pablo! That’s very nice of you. Thank you so much. Good night. This article is just amazing I enjoy it so much. Thank you. | Ouch. Yes! Thank you for coming out. Yeah, the music, yeah. So what’s up, San Jose? Scream at me! Right there, baby. Sing it! It’s good to be here. I was in San Francisco last night. That place is just off the hook. Party. Drinking. You gotta go to rehab after you go to San Francisco. “Hi, my name is Pablo. It’s the lights of San Francisco!” I saw some band last night. Did you ever go on a blind date with a chick? This chick was hot. “Come on, let’s go out, let’s do it!” Let’s go to dinner. “Let’s go to a concert, let’s go!” Okay, anything for pussy. Come on, let’s go. We saw some Death Metal band. Yeah, the singer sings like… “This is pretty funny, who are they?” “This is real serious!” “Decomposure! That’s David Bloodclot from Decomposure.” Do we have some of that music? Play some of it. Yeah, that’s a jazzy part. “Yo, sing it, baby!” Cut it off. He gives me the album. “Here’s our album, man, play it when you’re…” And they took themselves seriously. “Our next song comes from our first album.” “What’s he saying? I don’t know.” “He’s a monster, he sings like a creature.” “Hell, yeah!” “And they all have goatees and look menacing.” “Right on. Badass. This song’s about politics and Israel. Hell, yeah.” They’re all idiots. “This song is from our first album, Fight for a Stupid Cause.” How do you write lyrics to that? “Umm, let’s see here. I don’t know if I…” “Maybe…” “Dude, how do you spell…?” “How do you spell that? I’ve got writer’s block.” “My musical influences are Cookie Monster…” “Is cookie! Is cookie!” “…Jabba the Hut…” “…my cat when it’s in pain..” “Come on, get it from here. Come on.” “Come on, get out.” “He’s a monster singer. Sounds like a creature.” Background bassist: Chewbacca. “Got my background orchestra.” Bullcrap. “I work part time at Hot Topic.” Have you seen the freaks that work there? I love that place. I want to get a good laugh. Let me go to the Hot Topic. They’re Gothic. They’re cool. Have you ever walked in there? “Can you help me?” Darkness falls across the land The midnight hour’s close at hand Selling clothes for you to return Every employee has lip rings or ear… They change them every day so they don’t know what hole to put them in. Maybe this one today. And black fingernail polish. That’s… There’s a leak somewhere. They’ve probably got leaks where they put their earrings… “Where’s that coming from?” “Get me a bucket of water so I can find it.” “There it is! Found it.” Lip rings! They’ve got lip rings. One’s okay, but like, twelve of them? Hellraiser! It looks like a paper shredder, or something. “Do you want your receipt, Sir?” “Credit cards are not working, man!” “I’ve got a chain that goes from my eyebrow to my ear-” “- all the way down to my nipple. I pull and it flushes the toilet.” “I’ve got a silver nugget in my pecker.” “Make it longer. Nuggets.” “I go through all the pain that I covered up.” “I’ve got a nugget. If I can’t get it up when I’m drunk, I use a magnet.” “Put it on the refrigerator. Get some lettuce, bread, beans, milk.” Beans. “Beans?” “That’s right, man, and I’ve got tattoos, bro.” Every Death Metal guy has tattoos. “I’ve got tattoos that represent nothing.” “Well, this one represents I can’t hold my liquor at 3 a.m.” “And this one right here is a dragon, and skeleton-” “- that merges into…it transforms.” You ladies really screw up on your tattoos. “I’m going to get my little Japanese symbols.” Yeah, right. “Let’s tease him, girls. Come on.” “Let’s go to the nightclub and show how wild we are. Come on.” “It’s Japanese!” Hey, great. But I can’t read Japanese. “It means ‘freedom’. In Japanese.” In Korean it means ‘kick me’. “Stop it! Don’t!” You gotta live up to it, though. If you’ve got a tattoo, you’ve got to live up to it. “I’m wild, but deep inside I’m a big wuss.” “You want to party? Come on, what’s up?” They’re like, “No, I got a test in the morning”. Don’t be a rookie. If you wear a tattoo, like Cher. She knows how to wear a tattoo. You know Cher… Baby save all your tears The little string up the butt. If I can turn back time Yeah. She makes you feel. She knows the man’s mentality. You feel like you’ve had sex with her when you talk to her. Have you seen that video? If I can turn back time She’s on that big ol’ boat with the Navy guys. Every single one of them is thinking, “We’re going to fuck her!” And she leaves them, Blue balls you’ve got big blue balls Look at that picture. At the funhouse, “Make it in the mouth”. “Come on guys. One ball in, think of the prizes you can get.” “Come on down to the Fair Pablito. Here’s one, make it in the eye.” “We’re going to the fair, Booboo.” Ladies. “I’m going to get the American flag.” Or get Indian. Indian Cherokee. That’s what I’m going to get on my woman’s butt. “Right there. It means ‘all talk, no play’.” Ladies, if you want to turn on the guy, get the Xbox controller. Do that. “Game over.” Guys, if you get a tattoo, make it work for you. Right here, on your belly, get half a gun. “What’s up, man?” “Whoa, shit!” “He has a gun, whoa.” “I’m coming in this party, wassup?” “Whoa.” If you have a small pecker, get a bigger pecker. Get a police badge or something. You’re drunk in your car, a cop pulls you over. “I can drink in this jurisdiction.” But thank you for coming out to the show here in San Jose. It’s great. San Jose, you’ve got that little train that goes into downtown. That’s kind of trippy. Bar, sidewalk, train. “Let’s drink and then…” No guardrails to help you out. Like a real train: “Watch out, you may die if you cross this.” This one just… You gotta watch out. I saw some guy running in a suit, and his tie is caught in there. “Hey, there’s my friend, I want to…” I’ve used the train to my advantage. “Come on, you want some crap?” “Wassup, step back, man. You want something, let’s do it.” “Step back…” You have no gentlemen’s club here. You have non-alcoholic nude bars. “I’m on my way to the non-alcoholic nude bar.” “A round of waters for all my friends.” “Get me an orange juice that tastes like melted popsicle and spit.” I know those… From the first… “It’s going to happen. She likes me. Yep.” “Dang, man!” It’s the non-alcoholic nude bar! I’d rather watch my sister shower naked. Non-alcoholic nude bar! You’ve only got Coke and whatever…water. Bring your own juice, they get pissed off. “You got your own juice? Get the hell out of here.” Bring your own liquor, that’s what you can do. Orange juice with a little bit of…mmm, vodka. The girls get pissed off at all naked bars. “It’s a fantasy, baby. It’s a fantasy.” “Where are you from? Come on, let’s party.” “This is a fantasy. While the song’s playing, we’re in it together.” “Then fantasize this one dollar bill is a twenty.” At the non-alcoholic nude bar! Then I went to San Francisco. Chinatown. Chinatown. Alright. Chinatown, alright. Everybody walks fast in Chinatown. “Leave me alone. I very angry.” “Very sad. Very angry.” “Can you tell me where to go to a good restaurant?” “Leave me alone.” Everyone’s just walking fast. Everyone walks fast in Chinatown. If Chinatown had music, it would be… They walk fast in Chinatown… “I have to go to the bathroom…” Okay. “Very angry.” How do you get directions in Chinatown? “What you need to do is go…down… up…” “When you get to… you’ve gone too far.” They’re smart, though. They speak American and Chinese. Only when they step out of Chinatown, though. “…and I got the Dobson Report the other day.” “Let me go back there and check that out.” Chinatown. Chinatown. My friend lives in Chinatown. One of my best friends lives there. He lives in an all-Chinese residence. And you can hear the Chinese people having sex. The walls are thin, I thought it would be like… But it’s not like that. It’s like… “What, are they having sex? What’s going on over there?” “Are they fighting?” “That’s what I thought.” “I thought they were fighting, but they’re really getting it on.” They go slow and then they end quick. When they’re done, that music comes on. You want to see what they look like. Are they a hot couple? ‘Cause in Chinatown. Everyone looks like Jackie Chan in Chinatown. Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan! “Jackie Chan’s the nicest guy in every movie.” Thank you. Thank you. “But everybody wants to mess with him.” “Leave me alone. What happening?” Have you seen this movie? “What happening? Leave me alone!” “He’s the nicest guy in every movie-” “- but everybody wants to mess with him.” “Do you want the diamonds? Leave me alone.” “He’s been taking martial arts for twenty-five years.” “But I want no trouble.” “I’ve just been studying punches and breaking necks, but for exercise.” “I want no… Leave me alone.” That’s every Jackie Chan movie… The guy is up to a headlock, kick. “You must make a stupid face when you do it.” “He can really take on 12 people, dude.” Bullcrap. Do you believe all that martial arts stuff? “Bruce Lee is badass.” They put some colored paint on his chest. “He can really take on 12 people.” Of course he can! “Near miss. You go down on purpose. I tell you what to do.” “Check’s in the mail.” “Leave me alone.” “Jackie Chan…” He always says the word ‘pan’ when he fights. “Pan. Pan. Leave me alone. Pan.” What, spraystick non-Pan? “No. Leave me alone. Pan.” “He’s the nicest guy in every movie-” “- but everybody wants to mess with him.” “Hey you, what are you eating?” “I eat banana.” “Leave me alone.” “Get him!” “Hey you, where are you going?” “I’m going to church.” “Leave me alone.” “What’s that noise?” “I’m breathing.” “Get him!” Remember when martial arts were just real? Now they just walk on water. Walk on water. “I jump four stories to kick you.” “Jet Li is all special effects.” “Kill him.” “Here come bullet.” In every movie, Jackie Chan tries to play a different character. In Shanghai Noon he’s an Indian. “I am Indian. Hello.” “Hello. I am Indian. Hello.” “He’s an Indian. I believe he’s an Indian.” With Owen Wilson… Oh, it’s cool. He’s an Indian. ” Rumble in the Bronx.” He’s a store owner, he owns a store. “You leave my store alone.” “I’m cool. I’m cool.” “In Rush Hour 2 he’s a detective.” “Hello. Ding-dong.” “Rush Hour. Cover me!” “He’s a detective.” He’s Drunken Master, have you seen that one? “Drunken master, hello. Ding-dong.” ” Drunken Master.” What next? He’ll try to be a standup comedian? “In the forbidden world of comedy-” “- it takes one man to change a light bulb.” “He traded his black belt for the Borscht Belt.” “His own government dared him to go on stage.” “Knock-knock. Who’s there? Jackie Chan’s Fight Night at the Apollo.” “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Beef.” “Beef who?” “Beef broccoli.” “He does his own stunts-” “- but unfortunately, he does his own jokes.” “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Orange.” “Orange who?” “Aren’t you able to kick your ass?” “You! Your mother is so fat.” “How fat is she?” “She’s so fat, her intestinal tract is Great Wall of China.” I wrote that one yesterday. “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Boo.” “Boo who?” “Crybaby” “You’ve probably seen all those martial arts in their stupid styles.” “Like ‘crane’.” “I stand like a crane.” “Bear.” “I learn from bear.” “Mantis.” “He knows, praying mantis.” “As a young child, they put him in the desert.” “Then he learned from a praying mantis.” Mine would be: “Paper. Rock. Scissor.” “Paper in your face.” “Rock in stomach. Scissor on nutsack.” Or Molesto. That would be mine. “He molests his own opponents.” “Watch out, he’s going to touch you in your thingy. Watch out.” “And he dry humps.” “What the hell? Watch out.” “I’m going to touch your dirty spot.” “He’s going to touch your dirty spot.” “He’II grab you for dry humping.” “He’II make them feel unsure.” “I’m leaving this fight, I’m unsure.” “I need a counselor.” “Go and see the master, go to see counselor.” Holy smoke, I’m sweating my butt off. There we go. Yeah. You guys are great for coming out. Thanks for coming out to the special. Alright. Spider-Man. I saw Spider-Man again. I just realized Spider-Man’s a big puss. Isn’t he? “Don’t die, Uncle Ben.” “Hey, Booboo. Hey. Mary Jane.” “Going to get some pussy, Boo?” Spider-Man: “Uncle Ben! Don’t die!” “Peter! You’re a pussy.” You’re a blocker. You’re a cockblocker. Cockblocker. He’s a sex blocker. I can say it since it’s Comedy Central. Sex blocker. Basically a guy who will go out of his way to make sure- – another guy doesn’t get intimate with a woman. He messes up the foreplay, even the sex. He’II knock on the door when you’re in a bedroom. “Dude, you gotta feed your fish!” “Yeah, Dude, they’re on top of the tank.” “Hey, nice to meet you. I’m Brian.” Spider-Man is a big cockblock, isn’t he? He’s a blocker. That’s what the Green Goblin should have said- – when he had him gassed up: “Okay, Spider-Man.” “I ought to squash you like a bug.” “But you, going around New York, blocking everybody.” “Don’t you know Mary Jane’s going out with Harry?” “But no. You’re blocking everybody.” “You and the Daredevil are a bunch of cockblockers.” Because any superhero can get any puss. I guess so. “With great powers comes great pussy.” That’s right, they do. He’s Captain SexBlocker. Sexblocker. Look, it’s a truck, it’s an asshole, it’sa SexBlocker. Able to sexblock a whole bar. “You gotta pick up that wedding ring.” “Where’s those diapers? I thought you were gay. Did you fix that?” That’s right. He blocked that whole damn bar. He’s Captain SexBlocker. That’s right, my roommate. Every guy has his own technique. My roommate does. And every guy denies it, too. “Dude! It’s bros before hos.” Alright. “I would never do that.” Every guy has a technique. My roommate would do this to me. I’d be this close to getting a girl home. “You want to party?” “Yeah, let’s do it.” “You’re hot.” “Okay, it’s cool.” “Let me go to the bathroom.” My roommate: “Did you know he has herpes?” “Are you serious? Oh my God.” “I don’t know you, but I care about you.” “And he has herpes. Don’t look over there, he’s over there.” “Oh my god. I’m getting out of here, this is terrible.” “Hey, where’d she go? Who did this to me?” Captain SexBlocker! When you’re at the house, at the house, that’s the worst. You know, every guy has his own technique. He makes the 90120 faces. Did you ever watch those shows? They make that face like they’re smelling something bad. Is that Luke Perry’s ‘Dylan does it’? “On the next 901-whatever-20.” “Dylan’s dick is one inch.” You’ve got to smile at the end. “And Jason comes along, too.” He has a lot of pictures of himself. He’s a male dancer- at the Stardust in Las Vegas. He leaves 8 x 10 pictures of himself over the fireplace. The girls check it out. There are stupid ones, too. You know, posing. Who does that? “Girls check it out.” “Dude, why do you put your picture up there?” “Because when girls come over and they see I’m a male dancer…” “They put down their defenses, you know.” And he has really cheesy ones. And girls come over and see it. “Oh my god, who is this?” “You are so hot.” “Really? Thanks.” The girl goes, “I was a Budweiser girl, then Jaegermeister”. “My boss has a nice pool and he gets a photographer to come over.” “You want to see my portfolio? – Pablo, you don’t mind, do you?” “Let’s go in my room for seven hours.” And take her away. I think the best way to cockblock somebody… The best way to block somebody is this: Burn a disc of the cheesiest songs. So when he brings home a girl, just play that music. “Pablo, this is Brittany. We’re going to be in the bedroom.” “Can I play some music so I don’t hear the thumping?” “Yeah, go ahead.” I can’t stop this… “Dude, what the hell?” You can’t hump to that. Just keep on. Just keep playing music. “I’m sorry.” Tequila You gotta time it right. When the bed creaks, put the next song on. He did the Monster Mash I was working in the lab Late one night “Dude, what’s up, man?” Wake up Make up On the table Any System of a Down song you can’t… Whatever that was. It’s gotta be 1950s songs or something. Can you imagine someone pumping to that? Lollipop, lollipop… “I’m really sorry about this.” “Dude, what’s up, man?” “I’m playing music, what’s the deal?” Or put William Hung on. That would be good. Talk to me Tell me your name You got to… You got to… Right on, William Hung. Sing it, baby. Talk to me William Hung. He took the American Dream and shit on it. I saw him in real life. He really talks like that, I swear to God. He does, and he has an ego, did you know that? I go, “Hey! William Hung!” Don’t talk to me, don’t tell me your name “Wait, William Hung, wait!” William Hung… We all played the best practical joke on him. We don’t even know each other and we just, “Do it! Fuck it.” “Say he’s good, let him sing.” “You’re good, man. You go out there and show them!” “You really think so? You really think I can do it?” Talk to me, tell me your name He has a Christmas album out. Hung for Christmas Now he’s dissin’ on our holidays. That’s why his face is so flat. He went Christmas caroling- and they slammed a door in his face. Jingle bell, jingle bell… Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer… Frosty the snowman, he’s a… William Hung. Now he’s coming out with another album. Now he’s doing duets with famous stars, can you believe that shit? I swear to god, stars are lining up. Musicians, to do songs like… I don’t have much But I know I love So let me be Not me to know We no got the eye That’s right, he’s William Hung. “I’m Casey Kasem and now you can hear all your favorite hits-” “- with all your favorite stars.” “That’s right. My head is so big, it’s 10 friends on MySpace.” “That’s right. So sit back, relax and listen to Joe Cocker-” “- with William Hung…” And so we’re up where we belong On a mountainside With a side of rice I can show you the world Sun and shimmering splendor Call me dingdong… If you don’t… “That’s right, he’s not from China, he’s from Singapore.” “Because he sings really poor.” Thank you. And he also does the theme from Grease. My name is William. I sing at the malls. My face is flat. I can bite a wall. Come on. What? His face is flat, I swear to god. I saw him in the Las Vegas airport. His teeth hang out… He looks like sand people. He has those teeth out. They’re off the gumline. What does that sound like? Sounds like people playing basketball. “Man, that was off the gumline.” He should market his teeth. “It slices, it dices.” “It’s the William Hung teeth. That’s right, Susan.” “Take carrots and tomatoes and put it with the William Hung chopper.” She bite, she bite. He’s doing a Mentos commercial. Mentos, remember those commercials? Mentos. You always have a happy ending. Could be a guy robbing a bank, it’d still have a happy ending. It doesn’t matter what comes Freshness better with life Mentos freshness cool of life. Nothing gets to you like Mentos… Talk to me. Talk to me. He’d be a good cockblocker. Black people don’t cockblock, though. They see you with a girl, they compliment you. “Yo, man. Is that your girl?” “Yeah, man, what about it?” “Yeah, go for that, man! Take that, whoa.” You’re in bed with your girl- – and they just come out of the sheets. “Go for that!” “Come on, we don’t got no time!” That’s why they write the best love songs. To break the ice for us. Black people are the most important thing that happened to this country. They want us to break the ice. Put Latino songs on, girls are walking. You never know. You girls change your mind so much. We tried candies, flowers, movies, diamonds. “I don’t know. I may feel like this. Let me go home…” “Maybe I should? Should I sleep with him? I don’t know.” Come on… “No whammies!” “Aw…she changed her mind.” Black people, that’s why they write every song. They could write about… They could write songs about anything. They could write songs about arguing with their women. Shut up. Can’t you see two men are talking. They could write about a transvestite and make it sound good. When I first saw you, baby I knew you were fine But you had a dingdong And it changed my mind Forget the appetizer Forget the main course I knew you were a guy when your voice was hoarse You got a dingdong and tits You got a dingdong and tits Ya know you got a Dingdong and tits Thank you. Your camel toe looks like a catcher’s mitt I’m just joking. “Don’t make fun of black people.” “Chinese people. Latinos. What about that protest? Come on” That protest, they asked me to be in it. “Hey, dude. You want to be in the protest?” I did, I went there. I was driving to a topless bar- – and I took the wrong exit. Next thing you know, I’m in it. “Mexico!” The longest carwash I’ve ever been to. “Hey, dude, yeah.” “Okay, l’II tip you, you…” Never go to a Latino protest with a Datsun 280 ZX. Everyone is, “Hey, you want to sell it?” “Hey, dude, you want to sell it?” The protest. Yeah, black people went there, too. They were there at the protest. “Yo, where’s the pussy?” The protest, they get in your face. “Mexico!” “Mexico! What’s up, dude, Mexico!” “Puerto Rico!” That’s great, can you clean? No! It’s a joke. “Mexico, man! I’m proud, dude. I’m proud of Mexico.” “Go back.” “Screw that shit!” I’m just kidding, come on. Mexico. Mexico. They want jobs. “We want jobs, bro. What do you do?” “I’m a comedian.” I’ve never seen Mexican comedians straight from Mexico. “Over the fence, to the stage. Give it up for Ricky Impanela!” “Okay, how you doing?” “You ready for some bumper stickers?” “I’m a comedian from Mexico, I’ve got some bumper stickers.” “This one reads ‘Jesus Saves because he shops at Walmart’.” “This one says ‘My other car is probably yours’.” “This one says, ‘Guns don’t kill people, my cousin does’.” “Okay, the next time you want to get a family portrait, do what I do.” “Put your whole family in back of a pickup truck-” “- run a red light. It takes a picture.” “You ever go to a Mexican store?” “Did you ever go to a Mexican store-” “- and they got American cereals in Spanish?” “Antonio the Tiger.” “Fruit a Lupes.” “Honey Nut Bandejos.” “And my favorite: ‘Special…que?’.” Some of those guys, they wear the big belt buckles. Have you seen them? The big Latino cowboys. They walk around and the sun hits that and makes it get all hot. It’s like a skillet and it burns their huevos. “Hey! Caramba, the huevos…” “Huevos fritos!” They’re tough, though. They’ll kick your ass. “You got a problem?” “Hey, partner. You got a problem?” “Let’s go, man to man. One on one, me and you.” “Richard! – Let’s do it man, right now.” “Man to man. – Richard!” “Where’s Richard? He took off?” “Okay, tomorrow.” I just can’t get into the cowboy country thing anymore. Whatever it was… “Come on, let’s…” “Hey come on, let’s do it. Let’s do our little dance.” “Look kind of like little vittles.” This is too…don’t you like to get loose when you dance? “I’m free.” “No rules!” Country dancing: “Come on, let’s do…” “What, how do you do this?” You get criticized the whole time. “Step with me!” “I’m trying!” You ever see a tough cowboy walk in the bar like he’ll kick your ass? And then he does the cheesy country dance? “Hey! You want some crap?” “Right here right now! Let’s go! Hey, there’s my song!” Cowboys… Brokeback Mountain, did you see that? They got it at the hotel, I saw a little bit of it. That’s all I saw…a little! I know this cow… Brokeback Mountain. “Two cowboys that were straight went to Brokeback Mountain.” “That soon turned into… Cornhole Canyon.” “Come on.” “…I love you, come on.” “I’m a naked cowboy…” “And I have my boots on, but I’m naked.” “I’m going to get some water from the creek.” “You want to see my bum bum bum buck?” “I’m going to do…water…” They took it out of the theaters because they said- – that the sex scenes were too…explicit. They’re in the tent. “Come on, let’s git…” Put spit in his hand. “You want some, let’s go, me and you, partner.” “Come on, we don’t got all day.” “That’s not butter!” Come on. No condom, no nothing? I mean, jeez. I don’t know if they had a condom, but they had… Can you imagine? Those guys chew tobacco, cowboys. Gets in your culo…hey! “Come on there.” “Spit that out first!” Skoal bandits. “Hey, man. Ride horses?” “No.” Brokeback Mountain. Now they’re coming out with more movies about homosexuality. This next movie, it’s not Brokeback Mountain, it’s about gay gangs. Gay gangs. That’s what they got. Gay gangs in San Francisco. There’s nothing wrong with that. Come on. Here we go. “Out of the closet. Into the streets.” “Not only were they fighting for their love.” “But they were fighting against each other. Gary Busey:” “Hey, man, you better watch it.” “You guys are trying to lick your quack quack in your nutsack.” “And Danny Glover plays a corrupt police chief.” “Yeah, put it in your mouth.” “There you go. Put it in your mouth.” “Put your black sack in my mouth, Jack.” “They were homies. They were homie-sexuals.” You guys are great for coming out. Here it is. After the show, don’t give me drugs. People are like: “You want some pot, man? You look like you’re really high-strung, man.” “Let’s smoke some pot, dude.” “Let’s get in a circle and talk about other pot that we’ve smoked.” “My friend got…” “He gave me a call, see all the buds, man…” They got some weird drugs out there. I went to rehab. Anybody been there? I had to go one time. My parents caught me doing drugs. Ain’t that nice? You’re in high school and gotta go to rehab… I was doing coke and pot and…party! Party! I can’t believe I graduated, I was partying so much. Know how they caught me? This is the funniest thing. My parents left town. They went to South America. “Yeah, let’s party!” And it was my birthday. “Man, they left town on my birthday.” I come back, and it’s a surprise party when I’m high. “Surprise!” That surprise party turned into an intervention. “Go to your room. Why are your eyes all glassy?” “Can we open presents first?” If you ever go to rehab, it’s the weirdest place to go. But I got kicked out, though. After two weeks. I did. I went there because I was having a good time. “I like drugs because I’m partying.” But a lot of people there go: “I do drugs because my Daddy touched me in my bumbum.” “That’s why I drink. My Daddy touched me in my culo.” They must love that. “Because you love to party!” “My Daddy touched me. Get cocaine, hookers and discoteques.” I got kicked out of rehab. I had this one roommate, a kid: “You’re going to go down, bro.” “Huh? What’s going on?” “You’re going to go down, man.” “Why?” “You’re just making a joke out of everything.” And they take you to this AA meeting. I go to the meeting, right. The AA meetings. And you have to tell them everything. “My name is David, and I’m a drug addict.” “My name is Pablo. I sleep with David.” “Whoa, screw you, man! Screw you!” Out you go. Out you go, Pablo. Out you go. My roommate still does drugs. My god, he does cocaine. He gets all paranoid and shit. “Someone’s out the window.” They get high and look out the window. “Someone’s out there.” “What’s up, man? The girls are over here. What’s the deal?” “No, man. Someone’s out here. Someone’s out the…” “Dude, come on. What’s up?” “Let go of me! Someone’s out…” He looked out the window so much, he had a sunburn of the blinds. He looked like a Viper car. So one day I just put a mirror behind there. And he was, “Shit! Whoa!” There’s always that one guy who gets all paranoid and hears voices. “You hear that? Be quiet. Someone’s on the roof.” “You hear that shit? Be quiet, man. Remember at 7-Eleven?” “When you heard that voice, remember? Shh!” “Maybe that guy followed you, bro. Be quiet. Shh.” “He’s upstairs.” “Oh, that’s my heart! Damn it, man, don’t do that!” Thank you. I did ecstacy before, did you ever do that? Like it’s cool. “You ever do that? It’s fun!” I did it in Miami. I know, I was in between shows, two years ago. I’m going to this techno club. By myself. You walk in there… “She asked me to dance two hours ago.” “We’re still going with this.” Those songs last so long, you don’t know when to stop. You’re just dancing with 400 people. And everybody’s high on drugs. They’re on E. They call it E…ecstacy. E. “Are you E-ing?” Some beautiful girl. “Are you E-ing? Come here.” “I want to talk to you. Are you E-ing?” “No, I’m Pablo!” “No, I’m serious.” “Yes, I’m Pablo.” “No. Are you on Ecstacy?” “Ecstacy, what does that do?” “It makes you horny.” I’m like, “Shit. I’m on it right now.” “They must have slipped it in my drink when I was 12.” “I’m serious! If you want some, l’II sell you some.” “How much is it?” “It’s 40 dollars.” “If you buy some, we’II go back to your hotel.” “Let’s do it!” I reach in my pocket to get the money and I realize I’m doing a drug deal. On the dance floor. I swear to God. You know what, the police could be out there, undercover police. So I had to make it look like a dance. She gives me these two pills. I swear to God. And stamped on them is the Mitsubishi sign. I guess they stamp the drugs with like, Superman or Mitsubishi. “Mitsubishi makes this?” “No wonder they sell a lot of cars.” If Mitsubishi really did this, wouldn’t that be cool? That’d be great if they really did. “Would you like a mint before you go on to the showroom?” “I love this car. I love this car.” “I’m going to hump the tailpipe.” It’s going to get really exhausting. So I take both of these pills. Right? Some people here have done this. I didn’t know to take just one. “Take one now. And in 10 hours, take another one.” “Wait. I just took both of those.” “What’s that?” “I just took both of those.” She says, “I gotta go”. “No, come back! Sandy! You just can’t walk out of a drive-in movie.” Next thing you know, the bouncer looks at me. “Yo, man. Yo, man, are you okay?” I walk up to him. “I just took two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy.” “Are you serious? Are you serious, man?” “Yes. I just took two hits.” “I’m over here, man.” “Yes.” “I took two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy.” “Oh, man.” “What’s going to happen?” “You’re either going to go to jail. Or you’re going to die.” “But the good news is, you’re going to feel really good.” “Please, what do I do?” “How long did you take it?” “10 minutes ago.” “Then you’ve got 15 minutes before it kicks in.” “You gotta be in a hotel or something.” My hotel is 8 blocks away. So I figure l’II go. “KITT. I need ya, pal. KITT.” I get into my car. Yeah, and it was a Hertz. I didn’t want it to get towed. So I’m driving, and I see my hotel room. South Beach is packed. I’m going two feet every five minutes. “Get the hell out of the way! Before I have sex with all you guys.” “In a conga line!” I’m driving, and all of a sudden, this warm feeling… Something warm inside. A new world! “Get the hell out of the way” “We’II kill the unicorn tonight.” I’m trying to change the radio station and I’m changing myself. It is like the most craziest… I get into the motel room. “Give me some coke or something. I’m so…” I’m so horny, I’m watching the porno. And I try to hump the TV. I was watching it so much even the people in the porno- – looked at me like I’m weird. “What the hell?” If you’re on two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy, the feeling is like- – having an orgasm every two seconds for six hours. You’re just walking around… I was having sex and sounded like Mr. Magoo. “Oh, you know you want it. Oh, and you know that feels good.” “Oh yeah, Magoo. You’ve done it again.” It’s like having an orgasm for six hours straight. The only problem is you’re walking around with the face. Then you try to smoke marijuana with it. That’s when you really start thinking up the stupid shit. “Chicken pot pie.” “Those are my three favorite things.” Thank you. You do weird stuff when you’re on that stuff. “Old people should use Viagra so they don’t roll off the bed.” Cocaine. Miami. That’s where Scarface is at. “Scarface in Miami.” I’d like to see something crazy. You get all wasted. You get the double DVD box set of Scarface. You see the most crazy shit. “You’ve probably seen AI Pacino as Tony Montana.” “Now on double DVD see footage never seen before.” “See Tony Montana do a drug deal with Kermit the Frog.” “Okay. The money stays in back, okay?” “If I’m not back in 15 minutes, something’s wrong, okay?” “Okay. Let’s go.” “Hiyo! Hola, hola.” “Entra, entra.” “Is it okay if my friend is outside to know that everything’s okay?” “Sure. Come on in.” “This is Mrs. Piggy.” “Hola, Piggy. Hello.” “And I am Kermie.” “And I’m Tony. So, Grover says that you okay.” “That’s good. So do you have the money?” “I don’t know. Did you bring stuff?” “Not with me now, but it’s nearby. It’s in the car, huh?” “No. You want me to go outside, we try again?” “Where you from, Tony?” “What difference where I’m from?” “You stop messing around, frog. Get to the business, okay?” “I just get my stuff at Sesame Street.” “Oh yeah? Can you tell me how to, how to get to Sesame Street?” Thank you. Next stop, New Orleans. “Gotta go to New Orleans.” New Orleans, that’s a strange town. After Katrina. Katrina! It doesn’t even sound evil. Katrina! I think they would have left if it had a different name. Katrina doesn’t sound scary. “Yo, man. Katrina coming?” “Shit. Suck my dick.” They should have called it Scorpio. Hurricane Scorpio. “Scorpio coming. Yeah, let’s get out of here, man.” New Orleans. I was in a hurricane in Florida. Hurricane Georges! Hurricane Georges! That sounds like a pissed-off, gay hurricane. It just comes into town… “Stupid trailer!” “You, car! Get out of here.” “Whose dog is this? In the damn ocean!” “Stinker.” “I’m blowing everything.” New Orleans, man, they make the grossest food there, too. I mean, cajun food. That is made of…what is that? Latin food rules the earth, we all know that. Yes. Cajun food, they get all drunk, like alcoholics. “Hey, are you hungry?” “Let’s cook some jambalaya rice and hot dog weiners.” “And some beer and a milk carton of whiskey.” “What the hell was that? A snail? Put it in there.” “Drink it all up. Swish it in your stomach. Puke it out. Call it gumbo.” Gumbo does look like puke, I swear. Doesn’t it? “It’s like eating backwards.” Everything’s in Tabasco, too. “That’s right, we marinate in tabascy.” “We deep fry it in tabascy oil. Then we smother it in tabascy.” “And then we hickory smoke everything with our breath.” They eat that food everywhere. In their taxicabs while driving. There’s a guy. Big old belly. “What is that smell?” “It’s delicious.” He’s eating it with a fork. “Yeah!” His belly was so big, every time we went over a speed bump- his belly would hit the horn. I played that Grand Theft Auto game. Are you familiar with this? Grand Theft Auto? I’ve never seen anything so evil and fun at the same time. It’s a guy running through town just killing everybody. And getting jumped by Haitian gangs, doing drug deals- – getting hookers, and he wants his money back. All to 1980s music. So I like to do… Yeah, and he’s running through a fake town called San Andreas. We could do it in a real city, with a little help of my friends. We’re going to try one tonight. Grand Theft Auto in San Francisco! Hit it! Hey. Thanks a lot, everybody! Good night! Pablo! Pablo! Pablo! That’s very nice of you. Thank you so much. Good night. This article is just amazing I enjoy it so much. Thank you. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-does-this-need-to-be-said-transcript/ | Craig Ferguson: Does This Need To Be Said? (2011) – Transcript | craig ferguson | It’s a great day for America, everybody! I’m always delighted to be in Nashville. I’m always happy to be in the south. I feel this great affinity with people in the south, because I share your pain. I know what it’s like to have everyone in the world think they can do your accent better than you can do. Right? And then they want to do your accent to you to help you! “You from the south? Hickity dickity dickity.” Listen, I’m gonna try something tonight. Because we’re doing the special and the cameras are here, and because I’m in the south and I feel a little more comfortable here, I wanna try something I don’t normally do. Um, I’m gonna try and tell you a joke. I know what you’re thinkin’. “Oh, Craig, come on. “Not a joke! “Not from you, Craig! “There’s professional comedians for that kind of thing. “Not a joke from you, Craig. “From you, we want tales of the old country, Craig. “Tell us about the time you lived in the swamp with Shrek. Tell us about that! What was that like, Craig?” Oh, we found a blue-Haired donkey, all right! That’s right! No, I wanna tell you this joke. It’s important for me, Because it’s a dirty joke. Steady. No, it’s a dirty joke, And I can’t tell it on my tv show, ‘Cause it’s such a dirty joke. And there’s cuss words in it too. Oh, yeah. I…listen, I will be cussing tonight. And just so’s you know… no, I will. I will. Don’t f*ckin’ “ohh” me.” I’ll be cussin’. Now, don’t wave your finger at me. You knew when you got here there’d be cussin’. If you thought you were comin’ here tonight, and every time I cussed, a little flag was goin’ up here, And someone’s going, “tootsy fruitsy,” or somethin’. “Ooh la la.” I swear it’s gonna be a long f*ckin’ night for you if you thought I was gonna do that. I can’t cuss on tv, and it bothers me. No, it does. I…yeah! It does. It does bother me. ‘Cause when I was a young man, I was in punk rock groups and everything. And I was like, “f*ck you, man! “F*ck you! You’ll never get me wearing a suit and sittin’ behind a desk!” And now, every night… Wearin’ a suit, sittin’ behind a desk. Can’t even say “f*ck.” “Ah, your movie sounds great, ya f*ckin’ asshole.” No, I don’t wanna give you the wrong impression, all right? I wasn’t just in punk rock bands, by the way. I was also in a heavy metal band once. One…one heavy metal band. Whoo! Oh, yeah. Ah, you know, if you’d have heard us, You wouldn’t be making that noise. You’d be like, “aah!” And running out. We were ter…we were the worst heavy meal band. We were terrible. I was 15 years old when I was in this band. We were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear. Yeah, we looked like marble smugglers. Yeah! We were terrible! 15-year-old heavy metal band. And you know your heavy metal band’s gonna suck when you’ve got a clarinet player. * get your motor runnin’ * But we had to have the clarinet player, ’cause his dad had a car, and he was willing to drive us around, So we had to have the f*ckin’ clarinet player. But the clarinet player was an artist, and he said, “I’ll do the bass drum skin. It’ll be f*ckin’ awesome.” We were like, “really?” He went, “yeah. “It’ll be a picture of a stag. “But get this, a stag with its antlers on fire.” We were like, “F*ck, yeah!” Yeah! Yeah! But no, see, It didn’t work out like that, ‘Cause he wasn’t that talented, this kid. So it didn’t look like a stag with his antlers on fire. It looked a badger with red hair. I was the clarinet player. Yeah, that’s right. But no more! Now I sit on tv and I can’t say “f*ck.” It bothers me, you know? It bothers me that I can’t cuss on tv. ‘Cause I’m a very cussy man. I am a very cussy man. Not an angry cusser. I’m not one of them “f*ck you” cussers, like that. Like a, “f*ck you! F*ck! F*ck!” Like that. Like, “f*ck!” I don’t have to do that. I just like doing that. But I’m not one of them, “f*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck!” Guys, Like that, like a dog. That’s what dogs are saying, “f*ck.” They are saying it. Not in, uh, adorable dog language. They’re saying it in English. “F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck!” F*ck. F*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! Dogs are saying “f*ck.” Cats don’t say “f*ck,” but they’re thinking it. They’re thinkin’, “f*ck you.” No, I like to cuss. I’m not an angry cusser. I’m not a “f*ck you” guy. I’m not…I’m more kind of like, “Shut the f*ck up.” Like that. Like friendly cussin’, like, “No f*ckin’ way!” Shit, f*ck, no!” Like, that helps me be more adorable to people. I know, I’ve heard all the arguments against cussing. You know, “oh, Craig, come on, cussing just shows a lack of vocabulary.” And I think, “oh, shut the f*ck up!” No, it does not. Some of the greatest minds in history love to cuss. Shakespeare cussed all the time. But he did it in that fancy ren fair language, So nobody knew he was cussing. And like, “to be or not to be? F*ck if I know.” I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what he meant. Uh… What I’m saying is, I like to cuss. It helps me be friendly to people. It emphasizes my friendliness. Like if you see…if you see a friend of yours, right, and they’ve got new pants on, and you go, “Oh, those are nice, new pants.” They’ll go, “oh, thanks very much.” But if you go, “whoa! Great f*cking pants!” They’re like, “I know! Aren’t they? “Man! I saw them in the store! I was just like, ‘f*ck’!” I understand you gotta be appropriate. You can’t walk up to the Pope and say, “Great f*ckin’ pants, your holiness.” You couldn’t do that. Well, that doesn’t work anyway, ’cause, well, the Pope doesn’t wear pants. He wears that big dress. He wears these… he’s got a big ol’ dress. And the…and the hat. Actually, two hats. He’s got the big hat and then the little hat for windy days. “Hey, what’s the weather like today?” “It’s a little bit windy, Pope.” “Okay, I’ll wear the little hat.” I’ll get to this joke in a minute, but you see, the… Do you know the Pope… this is true. I will get to the joke. But you know the Pope actually has special slippers designed for him by the Italian fashion designer Prada. This is true…they make ’em just for the Pope. It’s not like you can go and buy a line of them. You can’t go to the gap and go, “Give me some Pope slippers.” It’s just for the Pope. And they’ve got, you know, special designs and a little crest and writing on them and stuff that says P.O. on one and P.E. on the other. “Ah, read-A my slippers here. I’m-A the Pope.” “And-A my name is-A Pepo.” * I’m-A Pepo, I’m-A the Pope * * I’m Pepo, I’m-A the Pope * All right, you’re right, you’re right. You’re right. That’s too much. Lay off. You can go too far, Craig. You’re right. Anyway the Pope…the Pope doesn’t talk like that. He’s not even Italian anymore, the Pope. He’s German. Yeah! So he doesn’t… he wouldn’t talk like that. He would…he would be more kind of, “As you are no doubt aware, I am the Pope.” “Observe my slippers.” “My name is Pepo.” “I realize this is an unusual name for a German, “But… “My family was in the circus. So shut up, all right?” All right. You’re right. I won’t do the Pope. That’s ridiculous. What I’m saying is, I’m not allowed to cuss. I can’t cuss, you know, on tv, and I’m not allowed to cuss at home, either. I can’t cuss at home. ‘Cause I’ve got a 9½-year-old son. And for some reason not connected to his DNA, he seems to be an attack dog for the f*ckin’ fcc! He does! He follows me around with that little jar of his. “You said the f-word, daddy. Nickel in the jar.” I’m like, “f*ck you!” He’s like, “nickel in the jar.” “F*ck you!” “Nickel in the jar.” Like, “who in the f*ck are you?” “Nickel in the jar, daddy!” I just pay him in advance now. I’m like, “son, there’s 20 bucks. I gotta call your mother.” Do you know what my son said to me? He said, you know, he asked me what the f-word means. I said, “it’s a naughty word, son.” He’s like, “no shit, dad, I’m gettin’ rich.” There’s a nickel. I can afford it. No, he said to me, “what does the f-word mean?” I said, “it’s a very naughty word, son. “It’s very, very naughty. It’s a…it’s a naughty word for sex.” He’s like, “you know about sex, dad?” I was like, “yeah, I remember it vaguely. Why do you ask?” I said, “do you know about sex?” He said, “yeah.” I said, “ooh, wait there. “This will be adorable. I’ll get the video camera. I’ll ask him about sex. This’ll be great.” ‘Cause he’s 9½. What’s he gonna say about sex? “Santa, angels, moonbeams.” It’ll be adorable. He’ll be like that Bill Cosby, kids are funny little motherf*ckers. That thing. They… I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what he means. Anyway, so, you know, I thought, “I’ll film him, you know. “He’ll tell me about sex. “Then I’ll wait till he’s about 14, “And then I’ll say, ‘hey, remember that money “‘In the swear jar? “‘I’ll take it back now, or this shit goes on YouTube, you little bastard.'” You’re welcome, parents. So I set him up, and I said, “do you know about sex, son?” He said, “I know all about sex, dad.” I went, “all right, what do you know about sex?” He said, “I know all about sex. “Penis, vagina, glory hole, Dirty Sanchez, Rusty trombone, Cleveland steamer.” I’m like, “what the f*ck? What the f*ck? What the f*ck?” “What the f*ck? “Cleveland steamer. What is that? Well, never mind! Never mind!” I never taught my son about sex. I never, I didn’t! I will never teach my son about sex! Just like my father never taught me! And his father never taught him, and… Actually, it’s a f*ckin’ miracle Scottish people didn’t die out in the middle ages. Scottish people don’t talk about sex! We can’t; it’s too embarrassing for us. We can’t talk about it. If a… If a Scottish person wants to talk about sex, we just kind of giggle and walk backwards and point at our genitals. It’s true. If you go to Scotland and you see someone that looks like they might be special and they have to go to the bathroom, they don’t… they just find you attractive. Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don’t even talk about sex. It’s just like, “Uh, get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson, lift up your skirt.” “We’ll take a look at your magic baby door.” Ah, nobody talks… so I said to my son, I said, “who… who taught you about sex, son? “This is awful. W-Was it the creepy guy in the school parking lot?” I said…’cause my son goes to the same school as Charlie Sheen‘s kids. So I thought it might be that, you know. Whoa! Hey, whoa! Whoa! Hey, what… you “ooh” me for Charlie Sheen, and you’re okay with the Pope thing? What the hell happened to you? “Aw, Craig, come on. “Charlie Sheen! “What did he ever do, “apart from hold a knife to his wife’s throat on Christmas eve?” “Put the hooker in the closet!” Aw, poor Charlie. You’re right. I shouldn’t go after Charlie. He had to go to jail on Christmas eve. Yeah, in f*ckin’ Aspen! The jail in Aspen has been on the cover of architectural digest! So I said to my son, “who taught you about sex, son?” He said, “the teachers.” I said, “the teachers at school?” He went, “yeah.” I went, “fourth grade?” He’s like, “yeah.” I’m like, “what the f*ck?” “See, that’s a nickel.” I went, “f*ck you!” But I…I don’t… there was no se… I never got taught about sex when I was in the fourth grade. I never actually had the fourth grade. I was in Scotland. I was working up a chimney. Because there was no sex education in Scotland. And…well, that’s not true, actually. When I was about 15 years old, in science class one day, I remember the… I was sitting around with the rest of the guys in stag… Um… And we were waiting for the science teacher to come in one morning. His name was Mr. Weir. Nasty, bitter old vicious alcoholic. Don’t know what the f*ck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970s. It was like, “do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job’s yours.” Anyway, we… We were sitting in science class, and we were waiting for Mr. Weir to come in, and, you know, and then he came in, and we knew there was something wrong when he came in, ’cause he was like… And he was… this is true. He was carrying a little aquarium with him. A little fish tank. But there were no fish in it. It was just…no water. It was just a rock with two toads on it. And he said, “Pay attention, everyone.” “This is Mr. And Mrs. Toad. “They’re married. “They were married in a church. “By a protestant minister. “And now, they… eeh eeh. “Now they want to have a baby. See how Mr. Toad is pushing his shame branch…” “See how he’s pushing his shame branch “against Mrs. Toad’s magic baby door? Do you see that?” That was my sex education in school, and that was it. Watchin’ two toads f*ckin’ in a fish tank! That’s it! The miracle of new life. “Ehh.” That was all I ever knew! For years, I thought the only way to get a girl to go out with you was run up behind her, grab her hair, spit in it, and shout, “ribbit!” It’s stran– if I saw a woman I was attracted to across a crowded room, I’d be like… Pff! You know the weirdest thing, it f*ckin’ works! It does! You gotta go, pff! They’re like, “get lost, you freak.” “Pff! Pff!” “I like him.” That was it; that was my sex education, the two toads. So consequently, I’m very old-fashioned about sex. I’m not like the youngsters today with their new ideas about sex. You know, photographing your genitals And texting them to each other and all that shit. What the hell is wrong with you people? “Ah, this’ll be sexy. Ca-Ching!” No, I’m very old-fashioned about sex. I’m a romantic…I don’t need all that emailing and phones and cameras and shit. I’m a romantic. I’m an old-fashioned about sex. I couple of hookers, some blow, a midget. I’m good, I don’t… That’s how we used to do it! That’s how we used to do it. That’s the old-fashioned way. When things were simpler. I don’t…I would never send any of them sexy emails. That’s how you get caught. I’ve never sent one. I don’t mind getting them at craig@theinternet/google.Com. But I… Seriously. I’d never send a sexy email. That’s how Tiger Woods got caught. He was sending all them sexy emails from his phone, and then his wife was in the kitchen one day, and she’s like, “oh, I can’t find the kitchen phone. “I’ll just use Tiger’s phone. Might as well… ” Aaah! “Tiger! I’m gonna need the nine-iron for this. Come here, you bastard!” See, even Tiger Woods got caught in that big sex scandal. I was like you ladies. I was outraged. Outraged. It’s kind of good if you’re a guy, though. ‘Cause it just makes you look great. “Ah, I’m sorry I forgot to take out the garbage, honey. “I was too busy not having sex “with 14 mistresses. Uh…sorry.” See, when Tiger Woods got caught in the sex scandal, and everybody said, “oh, Tiger Woods. “His career is ruined. “He’s ruined! He’ll never play golf again! “He will never play golf again! He’ll be hopeless now.” And I’m thinking, “are you sure? Are you sure? Are you thinking this through?” I think, once this blows over a bit, he’s gonna be better at golf. Better! Because, clearly, he never practiced before. He wasn’t practicin’! He’s just f*ckin’ and winnin’! F*ckin’ and winnin’! F*ckin’ and winnin’! “Hey, Tiger, Tiger. You want to go to the driving range?” “Sorry, no time. Just f*cking and winning!” And then when he did come back to golf, And everybody’s…like, The whole country watched his return to golf. Tiger’s return after the scandal. Everybody’s watching. And I’m thinking, “what the hell do you expect to see here?” It’s professional golf. He’s just gonna golf. What do you think? He’s gonna go nuts and f*ck the hole or something? Like, “I’ve got to make this putt. I’ve got to get back in the… ah, f*ck it. Aah!” The whole country. We’re all watching it. Everyone watching his pants as he walked up the fairway. It moved. It moved. Did you see it? It moved. Seeing a big celebrity gets caught in a sex scandal like that though, and I hear about it in the morning, I’m like, “oh, f*ck yeah. Easy day at work.” It’s awesome. Oh, yes. It was, like, the best one ever was when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face. I was like, “oh, f*ck yeah. Oh, fantastic. He shot his lawyer in the face?” “Yeah.” “Oh, beautiful.” “Did the lawyer die?” “No, the lawyer lived!” ‘Cause if the lawyer dies, you have to wait a day. Hey, hey, for a human, it’s three days. Wait, wait. Wait. Let’s just stop for a second and discuss what kind of f*ckin’ reaction that was there. “Oh, Craig, that’s a terrible thing. “Actually, now that we think about it, Now we agree with you. Yeah.” Even lawyers are like, “he’s right. We’re assholes.” I met Dick Cheney when I was at the White House. I was speaking at the white house correspondence dinner, And I met Dick Cheney there. I was terrified. He’s like a f*ckin’ Bond villain. He is! He’s like… He does this with his hand. There’s nothing there. He just does it. He’s stroking an imaginary pussy. If that’s a crime, lock me up. But… I was actually terrified when I met him, ‘Cause I said some mean things about him in the speech, And then after I was like, “oh, is that okay?” He went, “oh, no, I loved it. “I can take it. I enjoyed myself. “I…I enjoyed it very much. Now you, you enjoy your audit.” And you know what? I got f*ckin’ audited. I know. Yeah, anyway, that’s my job now, apparently, pick on celebrities that get caught with their pants down. I never used to give a shit about it, but now I have to pay attention to it, apparently. The first time it happened… When I got the Late Night Show, the first one I ever had to deal with was the Kevin Costner sex scandal. Remember that? Yeah, nobody f*ckin’ remembers that. Which tells me two things… One, Kevin Costner has a great publicist, and two, none of you f*ckers was watching my show in the first year. It’s all right. “That’s right. I don’t even f*ckin’ watch it now.” Well, very briefly, the first…the Kevin Costner sex scandal, actually, it was golf related, again. He was in Scotland, of all places. Kevin Costner went to Scotland to play golf at St. Andrews, the royal and ancient home of golf. And apparently, after his golf game, or allegedly, for legal reasons, he was getting a massage, and he asked the masseuse for a happy ending. What we would now call an Al Gore. All right, all right. Okay. Anyway, by the way, when he did this, you know, uh, he wasn’t just on any vacation in Scotland. He was on his honeymoon. Oh, mm, yes. Feel a little more comfortable judging him now, don’t you? “Oh, thanks, Craig, yes. Now we can enjoy it just a little more.” No, apparently… I don’t know if it’s true, but apparently that’s what he did. He asked the masseuse for a happy ending. And I’m thinking, “Kevin, who the hell goes to the royal and ancient home of golf and thinks, ‘I wonder if I can get my three wood-polished while I’m here’?” And I’m thinking the masseuse is Scottish. Are you out of your mind? If I could get a Scottish woman to give me a hand job, I would never have f*ckin’ emigrated. What the hell? You’re a bad girl, aren’t ya? Anyway, so apparently he did this. I don’t know if he did it or not. But I heard about it, and, you know, I thought, “Well, it’s my job now to make fun of this. This is my job, I guess.” And so that night I talked about it on the show. I, uh, I didn’t do much. I punned on his movie titles a little bit. I think I said Lap dances with wolves, And… Field of creams, I think I did. People will come, Ray. No, I… I didn’t do that. I didn’t do that! I didn’t. I didn’t. I f*ckin’ should have done that, But I didn’t do that. Anyway, that’s what I did that night on the show. And then the next night you move on to the next thing. I’d forgotten all about it. You move on. You get the robot or the puppets, or whatever the hell you’re doing, and… Before…you know, a couple of weeks after that, I get invited to a big Hollywood party. Now, I don’t normally go to big Hollywood parties, ’cause I’m not normally invited to big Hollywood parties, but I got invited, so I went. And I got introduced to Kevin Costner. And I’d forgotten all about this thing, But he had f*ckin’ not. I don’t know if you know this, but Kevin Costner has a tv. And occasionally he can’t sleep. Oh, f*ck, it was awful. He got right in my face about it. He was like… And I was like… And he was like… And I was like… And he was like… Anyway, I talked to him for a while, and he’s not a bad guy, Kevin Costner, as it turned out. I felt terrible. I just felt awful. I thought, “oh, I’m a dick. “I’m a f*ckin’ dick. And now Kevin Costner hates me. Bah.” So, no, I…I…really, I felt awful about it, and I thought, you know, from now on, I’m gonna try and not offend celebrities if I can avoid it, but you can’t f*ckin’ avoid it. You can’t. I mean, you can upset them… Some of them have very fragile egos. I know. It was news to me. In fact, that’s the noise I made. No, you can upset people without even knowing you’re doing it. I got into terrible trouble with the actress Kate Winslet, and I didn’t even know until we tried to book her on the show. And the bookers called up her agent, And her agent said, “Kate will never be on that show. Not after what Craig said about her.” I was like, “I never said anything about her. I never said a… oh, yeah, I did, yeah…” Well, I wasn’t really talking about her. I was talking about the movie Titanic, which she was in. And I love that movie. I love the movie Titanic. It’s a great movie. I particularly enjoy the work of Leonardo DiCaprio. I think he’s a great actor. Fat, thin, beard, no beard, happy, sad. He can do f*ckin’ everything. And… I have only one problem. At the end of that movie when they’re, you know… They’re in the water, the ship sunk, and she’s on the door and he’s in the water, And he’s like, “I’m dying.” He’s really good, isn’t he? I mean, that’s how good he is. He’s like, “I’m…I’m dying. It’s so…so cold. I’m dying.” And she’s like, “yes, you are dying. It’s terribly sad. Bye.” I’m thinking, you know what? There’s room on that door for two people, right there. I mean, this isn’t some hardwood piece of shit we’re talking about. This is a giant door built in the shipyards of Belfast by union members. This is a big…this has been curled and worked at. There’s brass fittings on… This motherf*cker is mahogany. This is a big, big door. Cuban families come to America on doors like this. By the way, a word of advice, never say that in Miami. Anyway, I had a problem with the logic at the end, ‘Cause I thought the two of them would get on the door, So I…you know, I was talking about it, And I’m a passionate person. I was getting involved and talking about it, and in the heat of the moment I said, “Oh, come on, Kate. Move over, you fat b!tch.” Now I don’t mean… Hey, let me finish. Let me finish. I don’t mean she’s fat. She’s not fat. She’s not fat. And even if she was fat, I wouldn’t comment on a woman’s weight. What am I? I’m f*ckin’ suicidal? I’m not an idiot. I don’t comment on a woman’s weight. I’m post feminism. I understand. I’m a reconstructed man. I’m like, “keep your f*ckin’ mouth shut.” I understand it. I would never comment on a woman’s weight. I don’t do it. I don’t think it’s right to do it. And I felt ter– and I struggle with it too. I…I feel your pain, sisters. So I– honestly, I felt terrible, So I called up the agent myself. I went, “you know what? God, I feel awful about this. “This is a terrible thing. “Look, let’s get Kate on the show, “And we’ll do a show about this, “‘Cause this is bullshit. “I don’t want to be that guy. “I don’t want to be that guy. I’m not that guy. “We’ll get her on the show, we’ll talk about it. “I’ll say I’m a sorry. I’m a dick. I’m a douchebag. She’s gorgeous. We’ll do all that.” And the agent said, “I’ll just have to call someone, and I’ll call you back.” And I went, “oh, right.” And she called me back five minutes later And said, “Kate will never be on your show.” And I said, “fine. Tell her she’s a fat b!tch.” But… But she’s not. She’s not a fat b!tch. I… I don’t know the woman at all. I never met her in my life. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman in every way. Well, not every way. She’s an actress. She’s probably a f*ckin’ sociopath. But… But she’s not a fat sociopath. And you know what? Even if she was fat, even if she was, I wouldn’t care, ’cause I like that. Huh. Yeah, that’s right. I said it. I like it. I like a woman with a bit of unh! I do. I like a bit of “ooh, yeah.” I like a bit of “let’s get you up the stairs.” I like all of that. I do. I like… I like to slap and then watch the wave. I like all of that. There’s a name for men like me that like women like that. We’re called heterosexuals. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, if your man likes you to be too skinny, very, very skinny, he’s not your husband. He’s your gay friend. “Someone’s looking a little bit fat.” “Really? Someone’s looking a little bit gay.” You’re welcome, girls. Use it anytime. Anytime you like. For free and for fun. My gift to you. Anytime you like. Use it. Enjoy your fries. Anyway, what I’m saying is, I have to deal with the celebrities and then f*ckin’ teach them a lesson when they get into trouble. And my heart’s not in it. The worst one was when I had to do The David Letterman sex scandal. I was like, “oh, f*ck. Really? Thanks.” ‘Cause I don’t know if you know. David Letterman is my boss, right? Now this is my boss, and he’s caught in a sex scandal. Now the job is, you know, make fun of the people who are caught in the sex scandal, but in this case, it’s my boss. Now I have to do the job, but I’d quite like to keep the f*ckin’ job. It’s like trying to do a Rubik’s cube in a burning building. I was like… Shit. Shit. Shit. Actually, when I first heard about Dave’s sex scandal, I shat my pants. It was awful, because… What, you can’t say “shat your pants” in Nashville? All right. I soiled my britches when I heard about it. What I mean is, I got afraid, Because I was walking around the house in the morning, And the tv was on, and I wasn’t paying attention. I was just doing my thing, getting ready and stuff. And the tv news was on, and I heard the anchorman say, “CBS late night host caught in sex scandal.” I was like, “Fabio, you b!tch!” And then I was like, “oh…” What can I tell you? I like big women. Do you remember? I’m gonna get to this joke. Do you remember when… Do you remember when Fabio got hit in the face by a goose? Remember that? Fabio did… They were opening a new amusement park somewhere. I think it was in Florida or the Midwest. Busch Gardens, it was called. I’d go. That’s a great name, actually, Busch Gardens. Busch Gardens? You had me at “busch.” But they… But they were opening up this new amusement park. This is a true story. And they said, “we need to get a celebrity,” you know, for this new amusement park. Someone that’s gonna bring in the kids. They’re like, “oh, Fabio.” And they go with Fabio. And it was the first ride of the roller coaster, and Fabio was gonna be, you know, the first guy to ride the roller coaster at Busch Gardens. But they have the… they had this thing. Fabio was in the front car, and it started up. And it was kinda going… going up the thing, the hill, for the first time, and Fabio was sitting there, and his shirt was open and his hair’s all blowing. He’s like, “aah…” It wasn’t even windy. He can just do that. He was like, “aah…” And just as it got to the top, just the… A goose is flying by. And the goose went, “f*cking hell, is that Fabio? What the…aah!” And as the goose is dying, It’s thinking, “what are the f*cking odds of this? Death by Fabio?” But they had to do an emergency stop of the roller coaster, and they brought it around quick, and Fabio was all f*cked up. He was all… oh, it was terrible. No, you shouldn’t laugh. It was awful. He was all mad. He was angry. There was feathers and beak marks. Little webbed footprints and stuff. And he was all… “aah.” He looked like he’d been eating a live chicken or something. He’s like… And he…but he was okay. But a couple of days later… this is true. He tried to start a kind of we are the world thing for people that had been hit in the face by geese while riding on roller coasters. That’s true! * we were hit by geese * it really hurt * the little beak went in my cheek * * and now I’m f*cked… But, actually, it didn’t work out, because, you know, they looked it up, And they’re like, “actually, in the history of the human race and roller coasters, this has never f*ckin’ happened before.” The odds are astronomical! This could never happen, but it did. And you know what? See, when something that unlikely happens, something that weirdly out of the ordinary, that, to me, proves the existence of god. Proves it. You know god exists and god has a sense of humor. ‘Cause god’s watching Fabio, and he’s like, “Is that Fabio?” “How does he do that thing with the shirt and the hair? It’s not even windy over here.” “Hey, come here and look at this. “Come here, come here. “Just come here. It’s…it’ll be fun. Come here.” “Yeah, I’m gonna. I’m gonna. “Yes, I am. Boom. Yeah!” How do you feel now, atheists? Think about that when you’re driving home in your Prius, you f*ckin’ hippie. That’s right. I said it. I said it. Get an engine, you communist. I don’t like you, and I don’t like your f*ckin’ little car. I don’t like them Priuses. They’re too quiet. I feel like I’m gonna wake up one night and there’ll be one at the end of my bed. “I recycle.” “Do you?” That’s how I’ve proved to myself the existence of god. I now no longer have a struggle with faith. I’ve proved to myself the existence of god. I will prove to you right now tonight the existence of god using my unlikeliness theory. Right? Here it is, the unlikeliness theory. I will prove to you now the existence of god. Siegfried and Roy. Bear with me. For this we have to go back in time. We’re going back in time to Vienna, Austria. It’s 1974. There’s a little fog in the street. Just that little fog, like a Smashing Pumpkins video. A young man is walking the streets. He is forlorn and dejected. His name is Siegfried. “I am forlorn and dejected. “I am doomed to a life of loneliness, “For no one will ever share my interests. My only two interests are lion taming and c0ck.” “Who in all of Austria Would also be interested in lion taming and c0ck?” “Hi, Siegfried. I’m Roy. I’m also interested in lion taming and c0ck.” Two gay Austrian lion tamers? What are the f*ckin’ odds of that? What are the odds of that? “I also like white tigers.” “I love white tigers!” How do you feel now, atheists? Let me ask you a question, atheists, when you’re driving home in them little Priuses. Who do you call on when the brakes fail in that little shit box? “Oh, no. Help me, spontaneous chemical reaction.” What am I talking about? Oh, yeah, Dave sex scandal. The Dave sex scandal was terrible, terrible for me. The only thing that I was grateful for, there was no sex tape. ‘Cause, you know, I love Dave, but I don’t want to see that. Actually, I don’t watch the sex tapes. I try not to watch the celebrity sex videotapes, ’cause a lot of these people are gonna be on the show, and I don’t want that in my head when I meet someone for the first time. Like, “oh, yeah, I remember his c0ck from the internet. How you doing?” That’s why Tommy Lee has never been on the show, ’cause I’ve seen that one. Actually, before I saw that video, I didn’t know Tommy Lee was Scottish. And the other one that I wish I’d seen but I never saw were the Carrie Prejean sex tapes. Do you remember Carrie Prejean? She was a miss California beauty queen. No, you don’t, but thanks. Uh… “I haven’t made a noise for a while. Aah!” Carrie Prejean was a miss California beauty queen who became miss USA, and she got into terrible trouble, because during the question-and-answer part of the beauty pageant, you know, when they grill the girls to find out if they’re smart enough to be beauty queens, They… If you don’t get this right, you’re ugly. And by the way, beauty is decided by Donald Trump? That’s like a midget deciding who’s the tallest. What the f*ck? Did you “ooh” me for Donald Trump? F*cking seriously? Anyway, Carrie Prejean was this… She got into terrible trouble, ’cause during the question-and-answer thing, It came out that she was against gay marriage. So all the people that are for gay marriage were like, “what?” And all the people that were against gay marriage were like, “hooray!” But then her time in the media was f*cked up, because sex tapes came out where, apparently, she had been sending sex tapes to her boyfriend on her phone… Just of her, just her on her own, no one else in the tape, which I think is a level of confidence I could only aspire to. That’s amazing. “I’m making a sex tape.” “Really? Who’s in it?” “Just me.” “Who else do you need?” Actually, when a woman does that, that’s…that’s actually awesome. Now, women…that’d be great. A man should never do that, though. Never send…no woman wants to see that on her phone. That would be bad. Ugh. Here’s me thinking about you, honey. Whaa-Ha! Can’t wait to see you tonight. A woman would get that on her phone… she’d be like, “aah! Ah, take out my eyes! I can never use them again!” She got into terrible trouble, this Carrie Prejean woman, and she had to go on Larry King to defend herself. By the way, I love Larry King. I do. I really love Larry King, and I hate that he’s retiring and being replaced by some British f*ck. We don’t need foreigners on American television. What the f*ck is going on? That’s right! She had to go– I do. I love Larry King. I do. Larry King is…like, that’s the way you should grow old, Like Larry King. Larry King typifies, for me, the spirit of the punk-rock movement. Absolutely, ’cause he’s like… you know, like you young people, you’re like, “I don’t give a f*ck what you think, man.” You give a f*ck. You comb your hair. You wear deodorant. Larry doesn’t f*cking give a shit about any of that. Larry doesn’t give a f*ck what you think. It’s true. I’ve been on his show. Larry will look you directly in the eyes, fart really loudly, and not break eye contact. It’s like… What’s wrong? Don’t you like brisket? I f*cking love Larry King…I love him. That’s the way I want to grow old, like Larry King, not giving a f*ck. That’s how you get old. Like, see, when I was a young comedian in the comedy clubs… I was, like, 23, 24… I was like, “all the older comedians are hacks, man. They’re all assholes. They’re all f*cking hacks.” But now, you see, I’m 48, And I hear the young comedians talking, And I’m like, “shut the f*ck up, you douche.” And stop touching your groin when you’re telling jokes. It doesn’t make you edgy. It just looks dirty. They’re like, “hi, everybody. I’m edgy. Whoa, oh, oh.” “Here’s a new style of comedy… me touching my c0ck.” I don’t have to keep doing this. I just like doing this. “Hey, everybody. I’m edgy. I’m edgy. Mm-Hmm. “Have you ever noticed how some things are like other things?” Now, I’m 48 years old. I’ve been married three times. I’ve been through rehab. My balls touch my ankles when I stand up, but, no… I never noticed how some things are like other things. Shut up! It’s true. My balls are leaving me… Slowly. Sometimes I feel I’m being followed by twin hamsters. Are they still there? I’m getting away, though. Anyway…oh, yeah, I was gonna tell you this joke. So here’s the joke. It’s an old joke, which means I stole it. I didn’t really steal it, but if you do what I do for a living and go on the internet accidentally and google yourself accidentally… F*ck you. People will say that you steal things all the time. I noticed that. This is not kidding, right? I googled myself. I don’t do it anymore. I googled myself by accident. I came into the room, and I tripped and fell and typed my name in google on the computer. Like, oh! I googled…and somebody said in this chat room on the internet… I’m not kidding. This is true. Somebody said… Said, “that Craig Ferguson, yeah, he stole the whole Scottish thing from Mike Myers.” Now, listen, I know Mike Myers. I like him. He’s a very nice man, but he’s Canadian. And in this same chat room… I’m not kidding. In the same chat room, somebody else…this is true. Somebody said, “no, no, he didn’t steal his act from Mike Myers. He stole his act from Ellen Degeneres.” Now, listen, I know and like Ellen Degeneres. She’s a very nice woman, but come on! I’m not butch enough to do Ellen material. I do kind of look like an old lesbian, don’t I? I kind of do. I’ve noticed it. I know. I know. It’s all right. We can just… you know, we can talk about it. Sometimes I just look in the mirror, I’m like, “F*ck, K.D. Lang.” There’s this idea that people are meaner than they used to be. Because of the internet, you know, people are meaner. They’re not meaner. People are not meaner than they used to be. People have always been assholes, except you guys. But they… But they are, and people are not meaner. What happens is the technology is just faster. It’s just faster. What happens is, you have this crazy idea, and there’s a crazy, angry thought, and you’re like, “I’ve got a crazy, angry thought.” Tickety-Tick, tick, tick, boom! And it’s out. And you don’t have time. You don’t have time to slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything, which is, “does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?” Three f*cking marriages it took me to learn that. Three. It’s like…it’s the technology. It’s too fast. Like, in the old days… In the middle ages, if you had a crazy thought, You were like, “I got to write this down. “I’m so angry. I’m so crazy. I’m gonna write this down. “Well, I better learn to read and write, “Because it’s the middle ages, and only monks and priests can read and write.” Right, well, okay, a couple of years of that… “I’m still angry. I’m gonna write this down. “I’m gonna need…oh, f*ck it. I’m gonna need parchment. “All right, parchment and weave the parchment. “Weave the parchment. Right, got some parchment. Oh, f*ck, a pen. Give me a chicken.” “Right, chicken. Oh, f*ck, ink. “Crush the berries. Crush the berries. “Right, parchment, berries, pen…let’s go. “Right, capital letter to start off… “Big medieval capital letter with things going around it, “Little trees and squirrelly bits. “God’s hand coming down… a little castle, a tree, “A brook, a dwarf, all kind of things, “Little tigers and designs. You know what? I’m just gonna let it go.” Three weeks for the letter “f,” 30 seconds for “uck it.” Also, of course, with the internet, you’ve got that kind of hidden feeling. You’re kind of protected. You’re kind of… You know, you’re kind of anonymous. It’s kind of like in your car. You’re a bit more of a dick when you drive than when you walk, ’cause you’re kind of protected. It’s like the same thing. Like, you would never walk like you drive. You never walk up behind somebody and go, “Oh, come on, get a move on. “Oh! “Oh, what? Come on! “Oh, invisible friend, look at this. “Oh. Oh! I know you’re on my side, god. Come on!” Like, getting round in front of them and slowing down… “How do you f*cking like it, huh?” “Learn to walk, you bastard.” You wouldn’t do that, ’cause somebody would kill you. Men are particularly bad at this. I’m as bad as any other man. You know, we think if we have a big machine, a big badass machine, like a big truck or a big car, It makes us a big badass person. It doesn’t. It doesn’t. It makes you the owner of a big badass machine. That’s all. I saw a very good example of this when I used to live in London. I lived in London, and I saw a traffic accident one day between a guy on a big Italian motorcycle… Beautiful, big thing, A big “what’s-A-Coming-A-Go, “what’s-A-Coming-A-Go”… And… And a little Mini Cooper, you know, a little kind of… Beep, beep. And they had this accident. It wasn’t too bad. But the bike went over, and the Mini Cooper went into the curb, and the guy on the bike was f*cking crazy. He was incensed. He got up, and he gets a bike chain. He goes over to the Mini, and the doors are still closed in the mini. He goes over, and he’s f*cking mad. He gets the bike chain, and he’s like, “you crazy motherf*cker! You got to… Well, it wasn’t like that. It was London. He was like… “I’m terribly cross with you right now.” “Ooh, you’ve made me grumpy.” And I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking, well, the Mini Cooper is a small car, so the person in it is gonna be small, and he’s gonna be able to bully and intimidate them. And, of course, the door opens, And this f*cking head starts to come out… This huge, giant c0ckney head, big thing, no hair on the top, just bits of bacon and fur and stuff. And this guy… like, one eye in the middle, and he’s like… He gets up, and he… And he’s wearing one of them pinkie rings that guys wear when their hobby is murdering. And he gets…he gets up to his full height, and he looks down at the guy, and he’s like, “What the f*ck do you think you’re doing?” And the guy with the chain said, “I saw a bug on the roof of your car, and… it looked like it might be a sting-Y one. I was chasing it away.” But what happened is, he was made to be responsible for his actions. But that won’t happen to you on the internet. Nobody on the internet… No big c0ckney’s gonna come round to your house If you’ve been on the internet and stuff a bike chain down your pants and slap you… Unless you go to the right website maybe, and then… Chaindownyourpants.Com, If that exists. It will by midnight. I’ll see you there. Now, I noticed when people were getting f*cking mean on the internet… What happened is I accidentally googled myself… Fell over, typed my name in… after I got married. I got married again, and I went on the internet to see how happy everyone was for me. F*cking hell. It was awful. One woman… I think it was a woman. Her name was susan123 or something, and she said, “married again, eh? Hmm. She’s a user, and he’s a pervert.” And I’m like, “how do they know us?” I did. I got married… I got married again. I got married to a Yankee woman. What? You wouldn’t make that noise if you were a real Yankee. You’d just sit there quietly smug in your cardigan. No, I did. I married a Yankee woman from up in the new Hampshire area. And they’re very… very posh kind of Yankees, very kind of upper-class Yankees, which is freaky for me, Because they don’t even sound American. You know, they sound… they are American, but they sound like English people. They’re like, “oh, yes, “We’re terribly American, yes. “We’re terribly American. We enjoy gum, and we detest al-Qaeda.” They do. They sound like upper-class English people. They’re so posh, they don’t say the word “yes.” They say, “ears.” They’re like…you say, “would you like a drink?” They go… “Ears, that would be lovely.” I remember that. I remember that from when I lived in London. Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. And I… I always enjoy doing to them what their ancestors did to my country. Oh… although with me, there was always cuddling afterwards. But it’s very confusing having sex with an upper-class English girl, because they’d be saying, “oh, ears, ears, ears. Ears! Ears!” I’d be like, “oh, all right, then.” And the midget would be like, “what the hell are you doing?” I’d be like, “never mind.” And then when they start saying, “oh, I’m arriving. I’m arriving!” I’m kidding. I never heard that. But… They’re very strange, though, the Yankees. They’re very, very strange to me. They’re weird. They’re so tight-ass. They’re like… “ears.” It’s like, even when they get drunk, they’re tight-ass. Like, when my people get drunk, we go crazy. We’re just like… “Oh, Danny boy! You don’t f*cking know me! You…I f*cking love you!” “I’m all right! I’m all right!” “I know! I’m good!” Oh! And the men are worse, but when Yankees get drunk… When Yankees get drunk, they’re just more tight-ass. You go, “are you drunk?” They go, “ears.” They’re like the Addams family. When I first met them, they were…I go to the house, there was a plate of cookies going round, and I went to take one, and somebody said, “Not that one. That’s for mother.” Very strange. Not like my family at all. My family aren’t upper-class or posh or anything. We’re more kind of… How do you describe my family? Carnies, I guess. Carnies. We’re kind of carnies. We are, you know, working-class people with psychic abilities. That’s what we are. My father had a very unusual psychic ability. He could, um, detect water. It’s called divining. He would use a “y”- shaped “u” branch And he could find water with that. Which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year. “I think there’s water over here, son.” “It’s a swamp, dad.” Not only could my father find water with a stick. He could find a bar with his shoes. Hang on, son. Hang on. Hang on. Whoa, oh, what’s this? What’s this? Come on. Right again! I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about my dad. He wasn’t a drunk or an alcoholic. He was just Scottish. I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic… Or a good one, depending on your point of view, I guess. I certainly threw myself at it with gusto. There was no half-measures with me. People never said, “I wonder if he’s a…” “No, no. He is.” So I mean, I’ve been sober for a very long time and people still say to me, they say, “Oh, Craig, how much did you drink back then?” I’m like, “I don’t know.” It’s not f*cking Weight Watchers. It’s not like you wake up in the dumpster and go, “oomp, 14 units. I need a meeting.” That’s one of the few upsides of active alcoholism. Very little in the way of paperwork. It’s one of those weird things, being an alcoholic. Everybody thinks they know about it more than you do. It’s kind of like having a southern accent, You know what I mean? It’s like people do it back to you. Like, “yickety-dickety.” It’s true. People think they know about it. They’re like, “oh, you know, This is what you have to do.” I was like, “oh, shut the f*ck up.” You don’t know about this. It’s like… people like me, when we listen to people who are not alcoholics, and they’re having drinks and they say, “Mm, oh, I’m gonna have to stop now. I’m starting to feel it.” And I’m like, “that’s the f*cking point.” That’s the point! “Oh, I’m…I’m starting to get a little drunk.” Yes! Starting to feel it is not the end of drinking. It’s the beginning of drinking. Anyway, look, I’m gonna tell you this joke. It’s very important that I tell you, ’cause this is what I want to do. I want to tell you this joke, and we’re done. I love this joke. This is the best joke I ever heard. It’s the most beautiful joke in the world. No pressure. It’s just a great joke. I love this joke. It’s a joke which I think says everything about men and women And about life and the universe and how we must all come together and try and love each other a little bit. It was a joke made famous in Britain in the 1970s by a British comedian called Bernard Manning, who was a lovely man. Well, he was a fat, profane alcoholic, but I liked him. And he used to tell this joke, and here it is. He used to say… “Ladies and gentlemen… “I’ve got my wife her Christmas present. “For Christmas, I got her a pair of shoes and a vibrator. If she doesn’t like the shoes, she can go f*ck herself.” Sorry, I love that joke. And that’s it. That’s the joke I came to tell you. And we’re done now. That’s it. It’s over. The joke has been told. Thank you. No, I’m done. The only thing that remains for me to do is to thank you for your southern hospitality, your weirdly creepy friendliness, and your, uh… and your adorable accents. Yuguda-Diggada-Doo-Doo. I’d like to thank you the only way I really know how… In the form of a song. It’s a song that goes a little something like this. * * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * I think I did it again * I made you believe * we’re more than just friends * * oh, baby * it might seem like a crush * but it doesn’t mean * that I’m serious * ’cause to lose all my senses * * that is just so typically me * * oh, baby, baby * oops! I did it again * * I played with your heart * got lost in the game * oh, baby, baby * oops! You think I’m in love * * that I’m sent from above * I’m not that innocent * you see my problem is this * I’m dreaming away * wishing that heroes, they truly exist * * I cry watching the days * can’t you see I’m a fool * in so many ways? * but to lose all my senses * that is just so typically me * * baby, oh * oops! I did it again * * I played with your heart * got lost in the game * oh, baby, baby * oops! You think I’m in love * * that I’m sent from above * I’m not that innocent * | It’s a great day for America, everybody! I’m always delighted to be in Nashville. I’m always happy to be in the south. I feel this great affinity with people in the south, because I share your pain. I know what it’s like to have everyone in the world think they can do your accent better than you can do. Right? And then they want to do your accent to you to help you! “You from the south? Hickity dickity dickity.” Listen, I’m gonna try something tonight. Because we’re doing the special and the cameras are here, and because I’m in the south and I feel a little more comfortable here, I wanna try something I don’t normally do. Um, I’m gonna try and tell you a joke. I know what you’re thinkin’. “Oh, Craig, come on. “Not a joke! “Not from you, Craig! “There’s professional comedians for that kind of thing. “Not a joke from you, Craig. “From you, we want tales of the old country, Craig. “Tell us about the time you lived in the swamp with Shrek. Tell us about that! What was that like, Craig?” Oh, we found a blue-Haired donkey, all right! That’s right! No, I wanna tell you this joke. It’s important for me, Because it’s a dirty joke. Steady. No, it’s a dirty joke, And I can’t tell it on my tv show, ‘Cause it’s such a dirty joke. And there’s cuss words in it too. Oh, yeah. I…listen, I will be cussing tonight. And just so’s you know… no, I will. I will. Don’t f*ckin’ “ohh” me.” I’ll be cussin’. Now, don’t wave your finger at me. You knew when you got here there’d be cussin’. If you thought you were comin’ here tonight, and every time I cussed, a little flag was goin’ up here, And someone’s going, “tootsy fruitsy,” or somethin’. “Ooh la la.” I swear it’s gonna be a long f*ckin’ night for you if you thought I was gonna do that. I can’t cuss on tv, and it bothers me. No, it does. I…yeah! It does. It does bother me. ‘Cause when I was a young man, I was in punk rock groups and everything. And I was like, “f*ck you, man! “F*ck you! You’ll never get me wearing a suit and sittin’ behind a desk!” And now, every night… Wearin’ a suit, sittin’ behind a desk. Can’t even say “f*ck.” “Ah, your movie sounds great, ya f*ckin’ asshole.” No, I don’t wanna give you the wrong impression, all right? I wasn’t just in punk rock bands, by the way. I was also in a heavy metal band once. One…one heavy metal band. Whoo! Oh, yeah. Ah, you know, if you’d have heard us, You wouldn’t be making that noise. You’d be like, “aah!” And running out. We were ter…we were the worst heavy meal band. We were terrible. I was 15 years old when I was in this band. We were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear. Yeah, we looked like marble smugglers. Yeah! We were terrible! 15-year-old heavy metal band. And you know your heavy metal band’s gonna suck when you’ve got a clarinet player. * get your motor runnin’ * But we had to have the clarinet player, ’cause his dad had a car, and he was willing to drive us around, So we had to have the f*ckin’ clarinet player. But the clarinet player was an artist, and he said, “I’ll do the bass drum skin. It’ll be f*ckin’ awesome.” We were like, “really?” He went, “yeah. “It’ll be a picture of a stag. “But get this, a stag with its antlers on fire.” We were like, “F*ck, yeah!” Yeah! Yeah! But no, see, It didn’t work out like that, ‘Cause he wasn’t that talented, this kid. So it didn’t look like a stag with his antlers on fire. It looked a badger with red hair. I was the clarinet player. Yeah, that’s right. But no more! Now I sit on tv and I can’t say “f*ck.” It bothers me, you know? It bothers me that I can’t cuss on tv. ‘Cause I’m a very cussy man. I am a very cussy man. Not an angry cusser. I’m not one of them “f*ck you” cussers, like that. Like a, “f*ck you! F*ck! F*ck!” Like that. Like, “f*ck!” I don’t have to do that. I just like doing that. But I’m not one of them, “f*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck!” Guys, Like that, like a dog. That’s what dogs are saying, “f*ck.” They are saying it. Not in, uh, adorable dog language. They’re saying it in English. “F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck!” F*ck. F*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! Dogs are saying “f*ck.” Cats don’t say “f*ck,” but they’re thinking it. They’re thinkin’, “f*ck you.” No, I like to cuss. I’m not an angry cusser. I’m not a “f*ck you” guy. I’m not…I’m more kind of like, “Shut the f*ck up.” Like that. Like friendly cussin’, like, “No f*ckin’ way!” Shit, f*ck, no!” Like, that helps me be more adorable to people. I know, I’ve heard all the arguments against cussing. You know, “oh, Craig, come on, cussing just shows a lack of vocabulary.” And I think, “oh, shut the f*ck up!” No, it does not. Some of the greatest minds in history love to cuss. Shakespeare cussed all the time. But he did it in that fancy ren fair language, So nobody knew he was cussing. And like, “to be or not to be? F*ck if I know.” I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what he meant. Uh… What I’m saying is, I like to cuss. It helps me be friendly to people. It emphasizes my friendliness. Like if you see…if you see a friend of yours, right, and they’ve got new pants on, and you go, “Oh, those are nice, new pants.” They’ll go, “oh, thanks very much.” But if you go, “whoa! Great f*cking pants!” They’re like, “I know! Aren’t they? “Man! I saw them in the store! I was just like, ‘f*ck’!” I understand you gotta be appropriate. You can’t walk up to the Pope and say, “Great f*ckin’ pants, your holiness.” You couldn’t do that. Well, that doesn’t work anyway, ’cause, well, the Pope doesn’t wear pants. He wears that big dress. He wears these… he’s got a big ol’ dress. And the…and the hat. Actually, two hats. He’s got the big hat and then the little hat for windy days. “Hey, what’s the weather like today?” “It’s a little bit windy, Pope.” “Okay, I’ll wear the little hat.” I’ll get to this joke in a minute, but you see, the… Do you know the Pope… this is true. I will get to the joke. But you know the Pope actually has special slippers designed for him by the Italian fashion designer Prada. This is true…they make ’em just for the Pope. It’s not like you can go and buy a line of them. You can’t go to the gap and go, “Give me some Pope slippers.” It’s just for the Pope. And they’ve got, you know, special designs and a little crest and writing on them and stuff that says P.O. on one and P.E. on the other. “Ah, read-A my slippers here. I’m-A the Pope.” “And-A my name is-A Pepo.” * I’m-A Pepo, I’m-A the Pope * * I’m Pepo, I’m-A the Pope * All right, you’re right, you’re right. You’re right. That’s too much. Lay off. You can go too far, Craig. You’re right. Anyway the Pope…the Pope doesn’t talk like that. He’s not even Italian anymore, the Pope. He’s German. Yeah! So he doesn’t… he wouldn’t talk like that. He would…he would be more kind of, “As you are no doubt aware, I am the Pope.” “Observe my slippers.” “My name is Pepo.” “I realize this is an unusual name for a German, “But… “My family was in the circus. So shut up, all right?” All right. You’re right. I won’t do the Pope. That’s ridiculous. What I’m saying is, I’m not allowed to cuss. I can’t cuss, you know, on tv, and I’m not allowed to cuss at home, either. I can’t cuss at home. ‘Cause I’ve got a 9½-year-old son. And for some reason not connected to his DNA, he seems to be an attack dog for the f*ckin’ fcc! He does! He follows me around with that little jar of his. “You said the f-word, daddy. Nickel in the jar.” I’m like, “f*ck you!” He’s like, “nickel in the jar.” “F*ck you!” “Nickel in the jar.” Like, “who in the f*ck are you?” “Nickel in the jar, daddy!” I just pay him in advance now. I’m like, “son, there’s 20 bucks. I gotta call your mother.” Do you know what my son said to me? He said, you know, he asked me what the f-word means. I said, “it’s a naughty word, son.” He’s like, “no shit, dad, I’m gettin’ rich.” There’s a nickel. I can afford it. No, he said to me, “what does the f-word mean?” I said, “it’s a very naughty word, son. “It’s very, very naughty. It’s a…it’s a naughty word for sex.” He’s like, “you know about sex, dad?” I was like, “yeah, I remember it vaguely. Why do you ask?” I said, “do you know about sex?” He said, “yeah.” I said, “ooh, wait there. “This will be adorable. I’ll get the video camera. I’ll ask him about sex. This’ll be great.” ‘Cause he’s 9½. What’s he gonna say about sex? “Santa, angels, moonbeams.” It’ll be adorable. He’ll be like that Bill Cosby, kids are funny little motherf*ckers. That thing. They… I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what he means. Anyway, so, you know, I thought, “I’ll film him, you know. “He’ll tell me about sex. “Then I’ll wait till he’s about 14, “And then I’ll say, ‘hey, remember that money “‘In the swear jar? “‘I’ll take it back now, or this shit goes on YouTube, you little bastard.'” You’re welcome, parents. So I set him up, and I said, “do you know about sex, son?” He said, “I know all about sex, dad.” I went, “all right, what do you know about sex?” He said, “I know all about sex. “Penis, vagina, glory hole, Dirty Sanchez, Rusty trombone, Cleveland steamer.” I’m like, “what the f*ck? What the f*ck? What the f*ck?” “What the f*ck? “Cleveland steamer. What is that? Well, never mind! Never mind!” I never taught my son about sex. I never, I didn’t! I will never teach my son about sex! Just like my father never taught me! And his father never taught him, and… Actually, it’s a f*ckin’ miracle Scottish people didn’t die out in the middle ages. Scottish people don’t talk about sex! We can’t; it’s too embarrassing for us. We can’t talk about it. If a… If a Scottish person wants to talk about sex, we just kind of giggle and walk backwards and point at our genitals. It’s true. If you go to Scotland and you see someone that looks like they might be special and they have to go to the bathroom, they don’t… they just find you attractive. Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don’t even talk about sex. It’s just like, “Uh, get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson, lift up your skirt.” “We’ll take a look at your magic baby door.” Ah, nobody talks… so I said to my son, I said, “who… who taught you about sex, son? “This is awful. W-Was it the creepy guy in the school parking lot?” I said…’cause my son goes to the same school as Charlie Sheen‘s kids. So I thought it might be that, you know. Whoa! Hey, whoa! Whoa! Hey, what… you “ooh” me for Charlie Sheen, and you’re okay with the Pope thing? What the hell happened to you? “Aw, Craig, come on. “Charlie Sheen! “What did he ever do, “apart from hold a knife to his wife’s throat on Christmas eve?” “Put the hooker in the closet!” Aw, poor Charlie. You’re right. I shouldn’t go after Charlie. He had to go to jail on Christmas eve. Yeah, in f*ckin’ Aspen! The jail in Aspen has been on the cover of architectural digest! So I said to my son, “who taught you about sex, son?” He said, “the teachers.” I said, “the teachers at school?” He went, “yeah.” I went, “fourth grade?” He’s like, “yeah.” I’m like, “what the f*ck?” “See, that’s a nickel.” I went, “f*ck you!” But I…I don’t… there was no se… I never got taught about sex when I was in the fourth grade. I never actually had the fourth grade. I was in Scotland. I was working up a chimney. Because there was no sex education in Scotland. And…well, that’s not true, actually. When I was about 15 years old, in science class one day, I remember the… I was sitting around with the rest of the guys in stag… Um… And we were waiting for the science teacher to come in one morning. His name was Mr. Weir. Nasty, bitter old vicious alcoholic. Don’t know what the f*ck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970s. It was like, “do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job’s yours.” Anyway, we… We were sitting in science class, and we were waiting for Mr. Weir to come in, and, you know, and then he came in, and we knew there was something wrong when he came in, ’cause he was like… And he was… this is true. He was carrying a little aquarium with him. A little fish tank. But there were no fish in it. It was just…no water. It was just a rock with two toads on it. And he said, “Pay attention, everyone.” “This is Mr. And Mrs. Toad. “They’re married. “They were married in a church. “By a protestant minister. “And now, they… eeh eeh. “Now they want to have a baby. See how Mr. Toad is pushing his shame branch…” “See how he’s pushing his shame branch “against Mrs. Toad’s magic baby door? Do you see that?” That was my sex education in school, and that was it. Watchin’ two toads f*ckin’ in a fish tank! That’s it! The miracle of new life. “Ehh.” That was all I ever knew! For years, I thought the only way to get a girl to go out with you was run up behind her, grab her hair, spit in it, and shout, “ribbit!” It’s stran– if I saw a woman I was attracted to across a crowded room, I’d be like… Pff! You know the weirdest thing, it f*ckin’ works! It does! You gotta go, pff! They’re like, “get lost, you freak.” “Pff! Pff!” “I like him.” That was it; that was my sex education, the two toads. So consequently, I’m very old-fashioned about sex. I’m not like the youngsters today with their new ideas about sex. You know, photographing your genitals And texting them to each other and all that shit. What the hell is wrong with you people? “Ah, this’ll be sexy. Ca-Ching!” No, I’m very old-fashioned about sex. I’m a romantic…I don’t need all that emailing and phones and cameras and shit. I’m a romantic. I’m an old-fashioned about sex. I couple of hookers, some blow, a midget. I’m good, I don’t… That’s how we used to do it! That’s how we used to do it. That’s the old-fashioned way. When things were simpler. I don’t…I would never send any of them sexy emails. That’s how you get caught. I’ve never sent one. I don’t mind getting them at craig@theinternet/google.Com. But I… Seriously. I’d never send a sexy email. That’s how Tiger Woods got caught. He was sending all them sexy emails from his phone, and then his wife was in the kitchen one day, and she’s like, “oh, I can’t find the kitchen phone. “I’ll just use Tiger’s phone. Might as well… ” Aaah! “Tiger! I’m gonna need the nine-iron for this. Come here, you bastard!” See, even Tiger Woods got caught in that big sex scandal. I was like you ladies. I was outraged. Outraged. It’s kind of good if you’re a guy, though. ‘Cause it just makes you look great. “Ah, I’m sorry I forgot to take out the garbage, honey. “I was too busy not having sex “with 14 mistresses. Uh…sorry.” See, when Tiger Woods got caught in the sex scandal, and everybody said, “oh, Tiger Woods. “His career is ruined. “He’s ruined! He’ll never play golf again! “He will never play golf again! He’ll be hopeless now.” And I’m thinking, “are you sure? Are you sure? Are you thinking this through?” I think, once this blows over a bit, he’s gonna be better at golf. Better! Because, clearly, he never practiced before. He wasn’t practicin’! He’s just f*ckin’ and winnin’! F*ckin’ and winnin’! F*ckin’ and winnin’! “Hey, Tiger, Tiger. You want to go to the driving range?” “Sorry, no time. Just f*cking and winning!” And then when he did come back to golf, And everybody’s…like, The whole country watched his return to golf. Tiger’s return after the scandal. Everybody’s watching. And I’m thinking, “what the hell do you expect to see here?” It’s professional golf. He’s just gonna golf. What do you think? He’s gonna go nuts and f*ck the hole or something? Like, “I’ve got to make this putt. I’ve got to get back in the… ah, f*ck it. Aah!” The whole country. We’re all watching it. Everyone watching his pants as he walked up the fairway. It moved. It moved. Did you see it? It moved. Seeing a big celebrity gets caught in a sex scandal like that though, and I hear about it in the morning, I’m like, “oh, f*ck yeah. Easy day at work.” It’s awesome. Oh, yes. It was, like, the best one ever was when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face. I was like, “oh, f*ck yeah. Oh, fantastic. He shot his lawyer in the face?” “Yeah.” “Oh, beautiful.” “Did the lawyer die?” “No, the lawyer lived!” ‘Cause if the lawyer dies, you have to wait a day. Hey, hey, for a human, it’s three days. Wait, wait. Wait. Let’s just stop for a second and discuss what kind of f*ckin’ reaction that was there. “Oh, Craig, that’s a terrible thing. “Actually, now that we think about it, Now we agree with you. Yeah.” Even lawyers are like, “he’s right. We’re assholes.” I met Dick Cheney when I was at the White House. I was speaking at the white house correspondence dinner, And I met Dick Cheney there. I was terrified. He’s like a f*ckin’ Bond villain. He is! He’s like… He does this with his hand. There’s nothing there. He just does it. He’s stroking an imaginary pussy. If that’s a crime, lock me up. But… I was actually terrified when I met him, ‘Cause I said some mean things about him in the speech, And then after I was like, “oh, is that okay?” He went, “oh, no, I loved it. “I can take it. I enjoyed myself. “I…I enjoyed it very much. Now you, you enjoy your audit.” And you know what? I got f*ckin’ audited. I know. Yeah, anyway, that’s my job now, apparently, pick on celebrities that get caught with their pants down. I never used to give a shit about it, but now I have to pay attention to it, apparently. The first time it happened… When I got the Late Night Show, the first one I ever had to deal with was the Kevin Costner sex scandal. Remember that? Yeah, nobody f*ckin’ remembers that. Which tells me two things… One, Kevin Costner has a great publicist, and two, none of you f*ckers was watching my show in the first year. It’s all right. “That’s right. I don’t even f*ckin’ watch it now.” Well, very briefly, the first…the Kevin Costner sex scandal, actually, it was golf related, again. He was in Scotland, of all places. Kevin Costner went to Scotland to play golf at St. Andrews, the royal and ancient home of golf. And apparently, after his golf game, or allegedly, for legal reasons, he was getting a massage, and he asked the masseuse for a happy ending. What we would now call an Al Gore. All right, all right. Okay. Anyway, by the way, when he did this, you know, uh, he wasn’t just on any vacation in Scotland. He was on his honeymoon. Oh, mm, yes. Feel a little more comfortable judging him now, don’t you? “Oh, thanks, Craig, yes. Now we can enjoy it just a little more.” No, apparently… I don’t know if it’s true, but apparently that’s what he did. He asked the masseuse for a happy ending. And I’m thinking, “Kevin, who the hell goes to the royal and ancient home of golf and thinks, ‘I wonder if I can get my three wood-polished while I’m here’?” And I’m thinking the masseuse is Scottish. Are you out of your mind? If I could get a Scottish woman to give me a hand job, I would never have f*ckin’ emigrated. What the hell? You’re a bad girl, aren’t ya? Anyway, so apparently he did this. I don’t know if he did it or not. But I heard about it, and, you know, I thought, “Well, it’s my job now to make fun of this. This is my job, I guess.” And so that night I talked about it on the show. I, uh, I didn’t do much. I punned on his movie titles a little bit. I think I said Lap dances with wolves, And… Field of creams, I think I did. People will come, Ray. No, I… I didn’t do that. I didn’t do that! I didn’t. I didn’t. I f*ckin’ should have done that, But I didn’t do that. Anyway, that’s what I did that night on the show. And then the next night you move on to the next thing. I’d forgotten all about it. You move on. You get the robot or the puppets, or whatever the hell you’re doing, and… Before…you know, a couple of weeks after that, I get invited to a big Hollywood party. Now, I don’t normally go to big Hollywood parties, ’cause I’m not normally invited to big Hollywood parties, but I got invited, so I went. And I got introduced to Kevin Costner. And I’d forgotten all about this thing, But he had f*ckin’ not. I don’t know if you know this, but Kevin Costner has a tv. And occasionally he can’t sleep. Oh, f*ck, it was awful. He got right in my face about it. He was like… And I was like… And he was like… And I was like… And he was like… Anyway, I talked to him for a while, and he’s not a bad guy, Kevin Costner, as it turned out. I felt terrible. I just felt awful. I thought, “oh, I’m a dick. “I’m a f*ckin’ dick. And now Kevin Costner hates me. Bah.” So, no, I…I…really, I felt awful about it, and I thought, you know, from now on, I’m gonna try and not offend celebrities if I can avoid it, but you can’t f*ckin’ avoid it. You can’t. I mean, you can upset them… Some of them have very fragile egos. I know. It was news to me. In fact, that’s the noise I made. No, you can upset people without even knowing you’re doing it. I got into terrible trouble with the actress Kate Winslet, and I didn’t even know until we tried to book her on the show. And the bookers called up her agent, And her agent said, “Kate will never be on that show. Not after what Craig said about her.” I was like, “I never said anything about her. I never said a… oh, yeah, I did, yeah…” Well, I wasn’t really talking about her. I was talking about the movie Titanic, which she was in. And I love that movie. I love the movie Titanic. It’s a great movie. I particularly enjoy the work of Leonardo DiCaprio. I think he’s a great actor. Fat, thin, beard, no beard, happy, sad. He can do f*ckin’ everything. And… I have only one problem. At the end of that movie when they’re, you know… They’re in the water, the ship sunk, and she’s on the door and he’s in the water, And he’s like, “I’m dying.” He’s really good, isn’t he? I mean, that’s how good he is. He’s like, “I’m…I’m dying. It’s so…so cold. I’m dying.” And she’s like, “yes, you are dying. It’s terribly sad. Bye.” I’m thinking, you know what? There’s room on that door for two people, right there. I mean, this isn’t some hardwood piece of shit we’re talking about. This is a giant door built in the shipyards of Belfast by union members. This is a big…this has been curled and worked at. There’s brass fittings on… This motherf*cker is mahogany. This is a big, big door. Cuban families come to America on doors like this. By the way, a word of advice, never say that in Miami. Anyway, I had a problem with the logic at the end, ‘Cause I thought the two of them would get on the door, So I…you know, I was talking about it, And I’m a passionate person. I was getting involved and talking about it, and in the heat of the moment I said, “Oh, come on, Kate. Move over, you fat b!tch.” Now I don’t mean… Hey, let me finish. Let me finish. I don’t mean she’s fat. She’s not fat. She’s not fat. And even if she was fat, I wouldn’t comment on a woman’s weight. What am I? I’m f*ckin’ suicidal? I’m not an idiot. I don’t comment on a woman’s weight. I’m post feminism. I understand. I’m a reconstructed man. I’m like, “keep your f*ckin’ mouth shut.” I understand it. I would never comment on a woman’s weight. I don’t do it. I don’t think it’s right to do it. And I felt ter– and I struggle with it too. I…I feel your pain, sisters. So I– honestly, I felt terrible, So I called up the agent myself. I went, “you know what? God, I feel awful about this. “This is a terrible thing. “Look, let’s get Kate on the show, “And we’ll do a show about this, “‘Cause this is bullshit. “I don’t want to be that guy. “I don’t want to be that guy. I’m not that guy. “We’ll get her on the show, we’ll talk about it. “I’ll say I’m a sorry. I’m a dick. I’m a douchebag. She’s gorgeous. We’ll do all that.” And the agent said, “I’ll just have to call someone, and I’ll call you back.” And I went, “oh, right.” And she called me back five minutes later And said, “Kate will never be on your show.” And I said, “fine. Tell her she’s a fat b!tch.” But… But she’s not. She’s not a fat b!tch. I… I don’t know the woman at all. I never met her in my life. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman in every way. Well, not every way. She’s an actress. She’s probably a f*ckin’ sociopath. But… But she’s not a fat sociopath. And you know what? Even if she was fat, even if she was, I wouldn’t care, ’cause I like that. Huh. Yeah, that’s right. I said it. I like it. I like a woman with a bit of unh! I do. I like a bit of “ooh, yeah.” I like a bit of “let’s get you up the stairs.” I like all of that. I do. I like… I like to slap and then watch the wave. I like all of that. There’s a name for men like me that like women like that. We’re called heterosexuals. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, if your man likes you to be too skinny, very, very skinny, he’s not your husband. He’s your gay friend. “Someone’s looking a little bit fat.” “Really? Someone’s looking a little bit gay.” You’re welcome, girls. Use it anytime. Anytime you like. For free and for fun. My gift to you. Anytime you like. Use it. Enjoy your fries. Anyway, what I’m saying is, I have to deal with the celebrities and then f*ckin’ teach them a lesson when they get into trouble. And my heart’s not in it. The worst one was when I had to do The David Letterman sex scandal. I was like, “oh, f*ck. Really? Thanks.” ‘Cause I don’t know if you know. David Letterman is my boss, right? Now this is my boss, and he’s caught in a sex scandal. Now the job is, you know, make fun of the people who are caught in the sex scandal, but in this case, it’s my boss. Now I have to do the job, but I’d quite like to keep the f*ckin’ job. It’s like trying to do a Rubik’s cube in a burning building. I was like… Shit. Shit. Shit. Actually, when I first heard about Dave’s sex scandal, I shat my pants. It was awful, because… What, you can’t say “shat your pants” in Nashville? All right. I soiled my britches when I heard about it. What I mean is, I got afraid, Because I was walking around the house in the morning, And the tv was on, and I wasn’t paying attention. I was just doing my thing, getting ready and stuff. And the tv news was on, and I heard the anchorman say, “CBS late night host caught in sex scandal.” I was like, “Fabio, you b!tch!” And then I was like, “oh…” What can I tell you? I like big women. Do you remember? I’m gonna get to this joke. Do you remember when… Do you remember when Fabio got hit in the face by a goose? Remember that? Fabio did… They were opening a new amusement park somewhere. I think it was in Florida or the Midwest. Busch Gardens, it was called. I’d go. That’s a great name, actually, Busch Gardens. Busch Gardens? You had me at “busch.” But they… But they were opening up this new amusement park. This is a true story. And they said, “we need to get a celebrity,” you know, for this new amusement park. Someone that’s gonna bring in the kids. They’re like, “oh, Fabio.” And they go with Fabio. And it was the first ride of the roller coaster, and Fabio was gonna be, you know, the first guy to ride the roller coaster at Busch Gardens. But they have the… they had this thing. Fabio was in the front car, and it started up. And it was kinda going… going up the thing, the hill, for the first time, and Fabio was sitting there, and his shirt was open and his hair’s all blowing. He’s like, “aah…” It wasn’t even windy. He can just do that. He was like, “aah…” And just as it got to the top, just the… A goose is flying by. And the goose went, “f*cking hell, is that Fabio? What the…aah!” And as the goose is dying, It’s thinking, “what are the f*cking odds of this? Death by Fabio?” But they had to do an emergency stop of the roller coaster, and they brought it around quick, and Fabio was all f*cked up. He was all… oh, it was terrible. No, you shouldn’t laugh. It was awful. He was all mad. He was angry. There was feathers and beak marks. Little webbed footprints and stuff. And he was all… “aah.” He looked like he’d been eating a live chicken or something. He’s like… And he…but he was okay. But a couple of days later… this is true. He tried to start a kind of we are the world thing for people that had been hit in the face by geese while riding on roller coasters. That’s true! * we were hit by geese * it really hurt * the little beak went in my cheek * * and now I’m f*cked… But, actually, it didn’t work out, because, you know, they looked it up, And they’re like, “actually, in the history of the human race and roller coasters, this has never f*ckin’ happened before.” The odds are astronomical! This could never happen, but it did. And you know what? See, when something that unlikely happens, something that weirdly out of the ordinary, that, to me, proves the existence of god. Proves it. You know god exists and god has a sense of humor. ‘Cause god’s watching Fabio, and he’s like, “Is that Fabio?” “How does he do that thing with the shirt and the hair? It’s not even windy over here.” “Hey, come here and look at this. “Come here, come here. “Just come here. It’s…it’ll be fun. Come here.” “Yeah, I’m gonna. I’m gonna. “Yes, I am. Boom. Yeah!” How do you feel now, atheists? Think about that when you’re driving home in your Prius, you f*ckin’ hippie. That’s right. I said it. I said it. Get an engine, you communist. I don’t like you, and I don’t like your f*ckin’ little car. I don’t like them Priuses. They’re too quiet. I feel like I’m gonna wake up one night and there’ll be one at the end of my bed. “I recycle.” “Do you?” That’s how I’ve proved to myself the existence of god. I now no longer have a struggle with faith. I’ve proved to myself the existence of god. I will prove to you right now tonight the existence of god using my unlikeliness theory. Right? Here it is, the unlikeliness theory. I will prove to you now the existence of god. Siegfried and Roy. Bear with me. For this we have to go back in time. We’re going back in time to Vienna, Austria. It’s 1974. There’s a little fog in the street. Just that little fog, like a Smashing Pumpkins video. A young man is walking the streets. He is forlorn and dejected. His name is Siegfried. “I am forlorn and dejected. “I am doomed to a life of loneliness, “For no one will ever share my interests. My only two interests are lion taming and c0ck.” “Who in all of Austria Would also be interested in lion taming and c0ck?” “Hi, Siegfried. I’m Roy. I’m also interested in lion taming and c0ck.” Two gay Austrian lion tamers? What are the f*ckin’ odds of that? What are the odds of that? “I also like white tigers.” “I love white tigers!” How do you feel now, atheists? Let me ask you a question, atheists, when you’re driving home in them little Priuses. Who do you call on when the brakes fail in that little shit box? “Oh, no. Help me, spontaneous chemical reaction.” What am I talking about? Oh, yeah, Dave sex scandal. The Dave sex scandal was terrible, terrible for me. The only thing that I was grateful for, there was no sex tape. ‘Cause, you know, I love Dave, but I don’t want to see that. Actually, I don’t watch the sex tapes. I try not to watch the celebrity sex videotapes, ’cause a lot of these people are gonna be on the show, and I don’t want that in my head when I meet someone for the first time. Like, “oh, yeah, I remember his c0ck from the internet. How you doing?” That’s why Tommy Lee has never been on the show, ’cause I’ve seen that one. Actually, before I saw that video, I didn’t know Tommy Lee was Scottish. And the other one that I wish I’d seen but I never saw were the Carrie Prejean sex tapes. Do you remember Carrie Prejean? She was a miss California beauty queen. No, you don’t, but thanks. Uh… “I haven’t made a noise for a while. Aah!” Carrie Prejean was a miss California beauty queen who became miss USA, and she got into terrible trouble, because during the question-and-answer part of the beauty pageant, you know, when they grill the girls to find out if they’re smart enough to be beauty queens, They… If you don’t get this right, you’re ugly. And by the way, beauty is decided by Donald Trump? That’s like a midget deciding who’s the tallest. What the f*ck? Did you “ooh” me for Donald Trump? F*cking seriously? Anyway, Carrie Prejean was this… She got into terrible trouble, ’cause during the question-and-answer thing, It came out that she was against gay marriage. So all the people that are for gay marriage were like, “what?” And all the people that were against gay marriage were like, “hooray!” But then her time in the media was f*cked up, because sex tapes came out where, apparently, she had been sending sex tapes to her boyfriend on her phone… Just of her, just her on her own, no one else in the tape, which I think is a level of confidence I could only aspire to. That’s amazing. “I’m making a sex tape.” “Really? Who’s in it?” “Just me.” “Who else do you need?” Actually, when a woman does that, that’s…that’s actually awesome. Now, women…that’d be great. A man should never do that, though. Never send…no woman wants to see that on her phone. That would be bad. Ugh. Here’s me thinking about you, honey. Whaa-Ha! Can’t wait to see you tonight. A woman would get that on her phone… she’d be like, “aah! Ah, take out my eyes! I can never use them again!” She got into terrible trouble, this Carrie Prejean woman, and she had to go on Larry King to defend herself. By the way, I love Larry King. I do. I really love Larry King, and I hate that he’s retiring and being replaced by some British f*ck. We don’t need foreigners on American television. What the f*ck is going on? That’s right! She had to go– I do. I love Larry King. I do. Larry King is…like, that’s the way you should grow old, Like Larry King. Larry King typifies, for me, the spirit of the punk-rock movement. Absolutely, ’cause he’s like… you know, like you young people, you’re like, “I don’t give a f*ck what you think, man.” You give a f*ck. You comb your hair. You wear deodorant. Larry doesn’t f*cking give a shit about any of that. Larry doesn’t give a f*ck what you think. It’s true. I’ve been on his show. Larry will look you directly in the eyes, fart really loudly, and not break eye contact. It’s like… What’s wrong? Don’t you like brisket? I f*cking love Larry King…I love him. That’s the way I want to grow old, like Larry King, not giving a f*ck. That’s how you get old. Like, see, when I was a young comedian in the comedy clubs… I was, like, 23, 24… I was like, “all the older comedians are hacks, man. They’re all assholes. They’re all f*cking hacks.” But now, you see, I’m 48, And I hear the young comedians talking, And I’m like, “shut the f*ck up, you douche.” And stop touching your groin when you’re telling jokes. It doesn’t make you edgy. It just looks dirty. They’re like, “hi, everybody. I’m edgy. Whoa, oh, oh.” “Here’s a new style of comedy… me touching my c0ck.” I don’t have to keep doing this. I just like doing this. “Hey, everybody. I’m edgy. I’m edgy. Mm-Hmm. “Have you ever noticed how some things are like other things?” Now, I’m 48 years old. I’ve been married three times. I’ve been through rehab. My balls touch my ankles when I stand up, but, no… I never noticed how some things are like other things. Shut up! It’s true. My balls are leaving me… Slowly. Sometimes I feel I’m being followed by twin hamsters. Are they still there? I’m getting away, though. Anyway…oh, yeah, I was gonna tell you this joke. So here’s the joke. It’s an old joke, which means I stole it. I didn’t really steal it, but if you do what I do for a living and go on the internet accidentally and google yourself accidentally… F*ck you. People will say that you steal things all the time. I noticed that. This is not kidding, right? I googled myself. I don’t do it anymore. I googled myself by accident. I came into the room, and I tripped and fell and typed my name in google on the computer. Like, oh! I googled…and somebody said in this chat room on the internet… I’m not kidding. This is true. Somebody said… Said, “that Craig Ferguson, yeah, he stole the whole Scottish thing from Mike Myers.” Now, listen, I know Mike Myers. I like him. He’s a very nice man, but he’s Canadian. And in this same chat room… I’m not kidding. In the same chat room, somebody else…this is true. Somebody said, “no, no, he didn’t steal his act from Mike Myers. He stole his act from Ellen Degeneres.” Now, listen, I know and like Ellen Degeneres. She’s a very nice woman, but come on! I’m not butch enough to do Ellen material. I do kind of look like an old lesbian, don’t I? I kind of do. I’ve noticed it. I know. I know. It’s all right. We can just… you know, we can talk about it. Sometimes I just look in the mirror, I’m like, “F*ck, K.D. Lang.” There’s this idea that people are meaner than they used to be. Because of the internet, you know, people are meaner. They’re not meaner. People are not meaner than they used to be. People have always been assholes, except you guys. But they… But they are, and people are not meaner. What happens is the technology is just faster. It’s just faster. What happens is, you have this crazy idea, and there’s a crazy, angry thought, and you’re like, “I’ve got a crazy, angry thought.” Tickety-Tick, tick, tick, boom! And it’s out. And you don’t have time. You don’t have time to slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything, which is, “does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?” Three f*cking marriages it took me to learn that. Three. It’s like…it’s the technology. It’s too fast. Like, in the old days… In the middle ages, if you had a crazy thought, You were like, “I got to write this down. “I’m so angry. I’m so crazy. I’m gonna write this down. “Well, I better learn to read and write, “Because it’s the middle ages, and only monks and priests can read and write.” Right, well, okay, a couple of years of that… “I’m still angry. I’m gonna write this down. “I’m gonna need…oh, f*ck it. I’m gonna need parchment. “All right, parchment and weave the parchment. “Weave the parchment. Right, got some parchment. Oh, f*ck, a pen. Give me a chicken.” “Right, chicken. Oh, f*ck, ink. “Crush the berries. Crush the berries. “Right, parchment, berries, pen…let’s go. “Right, capital letter to start off… “Big medieval capital letter with things going around it, “Little trees and squirrelly bits. “God’s hand coming down… a little castle, a tree, “A brook, a dwarf, all kind of things, “Little tigers and designs. You know what? I’m just gonna let it go.” Three weeks for the letter “f,” 30 seconds for “uck it.” Also, of course, with the internet, you’ve got that kind of hidden feeling. You’re kind of protected. You’re kind of… You know, you’re kind of anonymous. It’s kind of like in your car. You’re a bit more of a dick when you drive than when you walk, ’cause you’re kind of protected. It’s like the same thing. Like, you would never walk like you drive. You never walk up behind somebody and go, “Oh, come on, get a move on. “Oh! “Oh, what? Come on! “Oh, invisible friend, look at this. “Oh. Oh! I know you’re on my side, god. Come on!” Like, getting round in front of them and slowing down… “How do you f*cking like it, huh?” “Learn to walk, you bastard.” You wouldn’t do that, ’cause somebody would kill you. Men are particularly bad at this. I’m as bad as any other man. You know, we think if we have a big machine, a big badass machine, like a big truck or a big car, It makes us a big badass person. It doesn’t. It doesn’t. It makes you the owner of a big badass machine. That’s all. I saw a very good example of this when I used to live in London. I lived in London, and I saw a traffic accident one day between a guy on a big Italian motorcycle… Beautiful, big thing, A big “what’s-A-Coming-A-Go, “what’s-A-Coming-A-Go”… And… And a little Mini Cooper, you know, a little kind of… Beep, beep. And they had this accident. It wasn’t too bad. But the bike went over, and the Mini Cooper went into the curb, and the guy on the bike was f*cking crazy. He was incensed. He got up, and he gets a bike chain. He goes over to the Mini, and the doors are still closed in the mini. He goes over, and he’s f*cking mad. He gets the bike chain, and he’s like, “you crazy motherf*cker! You got to… Well, it wasn’t like that. It was London. He was like… “I’m terribly cross with you right now.” “Ooh, you’ve made me grumpy.” And I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking, well, the Mini Cooper is a small car, so the person in it is gonna be small, and he’s gonna be able to bully and intimidate them. And, of course, the door opens, And this f*cking head starts to come out… This huge, giant c0ckney head, big thing, no hair on the top, just bits of bacon and fur and stuff. And this guy… like, one eye in the middle, and he’s like… He gets up, and he… And he’s wearing one of them pinkie rings that guys wear when their hobby is murdering. And he gets…he gets up to his full height, and he looks down at the guy, and he’s like, “What the f*ck do you think you’re doing?” And the guy with the chain said, “I saw a bug on the roof of your car, and… it looked like it might be a sting-Y one. I was chasing it away.” But what happened is, he was made to be responsible for his actions. But that won’t happen to you on the internet. Nobody on the internet… No big c0ckney’s gonna come round to your house If you’ve been on the internet and stuff a bike chain down your pants and slap you… Unless you go to the right website maybe, and then… Chaindownyourpants.Com, If that exists. It will by midnight. I’ll see you there. Now, I noticed when people were getting f*cking mean on the internet… What happened is I accidentally googled myself… Fell over, typed my name in… after I got married. I got married again, and I went on the internet to see how happy everyone was for me. F*cking hell. It was awful. One woman… I think it was a woman. Her name was susan123 or something, and she said, “married again, eh? Hmm. She’s a user, and he’s a pervert.” And I’m like, “how do they know us?” I did. I got married… I got married again. I got married to a Yankee woman. What? You wouldn’t make that noise if you were a real Yankee. You’d just sit there quietly smug in your cardigan. No, I did. I married a Yankee woman from up in the new Hampshire area. And they’re very… very posh kind of Yankees, very kind of upper-class Yankees, which is freaky for me, Because they don’t even sound American. You know, they sound… they are American, but they sound like English people. They’re like, “oh, yes, “We’re terribly American, yes. “We’re terribly American. We enjoy gum, and we detest al-Qaeda.” They do. They sound like upper-class English people. They’re so posh, they don’t say the word “yes.” They say, “ears.” They’re like…you say, “would you like a drink?” They go… “Ears, that would be lovely.” I remember that. I remember that from when I lived in London. Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. And I… I always enjoy doing to them what their ancestors did to my country. Oh… although with me, there was always cuddling afterwards. But it’s very confusing having sex with an upper-class English girl, because they’d be saying, “oh, ears, ears, ears. Ears! Ears!” I’d be like, “oh, all right, then.” And the midget would be like, “what the hell are you doing?” I’d be like, “never mind.” And then when they start saying, “oh, I’m arriving. I’m arriving!” I’m kidding. I never heard that. But… They’re very strange, though, the Yankees. They’re very, very strange to me. They’re weird. They’re so tight-ass. They’re like… “ears.” It’s like, even when they get drunk, they’re tight-ass. Like, when my people get drunk, we go crazy. We’re just like… “Oh, Danny boy! You don’t f*cking know me! You…I f*cking love you!” “I’m all right! I’m all right!” “I know! I’m good!” Oh! And the men are worse, but when Yankees get drunk… When Yankees get drunk, they’re just more tight-ass. You go, “are you drunk?” They go, “ears.” They’re like the Addams family. When I first met them, they were…I go to the house, there was a plate of cookies going round, and I went to take one, and somebody said, “Not that one. That’s for mother.” Very strange. Not like my family at all. My family aren’t upper-class or posh or anything. We’re more kind of… How do you describe my family? Carnies, I guess. Carnies. We’re kind of carnies. We are, you know, working-class people with psychic abilities. That’s what we are. My father had a very unusual psychic ability. He could, um, detect water. It’s called divining. He would use a “y”- shaped “u” branch And he could find water with that. Which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year. “I think there’s water over here, son.” “It’s a swamp, dad.” Not only could my father find water with a stick. He could find a bar with his shoes. Hang on, son. Hang on. Hang on. Whoa, oh, what’s this? What’s this? Come on. Right again! I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about my dad. He wasn’t a drunk or an alcoholic. He was just Scottish. I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic… Or a good one, depending on your point of view, I guess. I certainly threw myself at it with gusto. There was no half-measures with me. People never said, “I wonder if he’s a…” “No, no. He is.” So I mean, I’ve been sober for a very long time and people still say to me, they say, “Oh, Craig, how much did you drink back then?” I’m like, “I don’t know.” It’s not f*cking Weight Watchers. It’s not like you wake up in the dumpster and go, “oomp, 14 units. I need a meeting.” That’s one of the few upsides of active alcoholism. Very little in the way of paperwork. It’s one of those weird things, being an alcoholic. Everybody thinks they know about it more than you do. It’s kind of like having a southern accent, You know what I mean? It’s like people do it back to you. Like, “yickety-dickety.” It’s true. People think they know about it. They’re like, “oh, you know, This is what you have to do.” I was like, “oh, shut the f*ck up.” You don’t know about this. It’s like… people like me, when we listen to people who are not alcoholics, and they’re having drinks and they say, “Mm, oh, I’m gonna have to stop now. I’m starting to feel it.” And I’m like, “that’s the f*cking point.” That’s the point! “Oh, I’m…I’m starting to get a little drunk.” Yes! Starting to feel it is not the end of drinking. It’s the beginning of drinking. Anyway, look, I’m gonna tell you this joke. It’s very important that I tell you, ’cause this is what I want to do. I want to tell you this joke, and we’re done. I love this joke. This is the best joke I ever heard. It’s the most beautiful joke in the world. No pressure. It’s just a great joke. I love this joke. It’s a joke which I think says everything about men and women And about life and the universe and how we must all come together and try and love each other a little bit. It was a joke made famous in Britain in the 1970s by a British comedian called Bernard Manning, who was a lovely man. Well, he was a fat, profane alcoholic, but I liked him. And he used to tell this joke, and here it is. He used to say… “Ladies and gentlemen… “I’ve got my wife her Christmas present. “For Christmas, I got her a pair of shoes and a vibrator. If she doesn’t like the shoes, she can go f*ck herself.” Sorry, I love that joke. And that’s it. That’s the joke I came to tell you. And we’re done now. That’s it. It’s over. The joke has been told. Thank you. No, I’m done. The only thing that remains for me to do is to thank you for your southern hospitality, your weirdly creepy friendliness, and your, uh… and your adorable accents. Yuguda-Diggada-Doo-Doo. I’d like to thank you the only way I really know how… In the form of a song. It’s a song that goes a little something like this. * * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * I think I did it again * I made you believe * we’re more than just friends * * oh, baby * it might seem like a crush * but it doesn’t mean * that I’m serious * ’cause to lose all my senses * * that is just so typically me * * oh, baby, baby * oops! I did it again * * I played with your heart * got lost in the game * oh, baby, baby * oops! You think I’m in love * * that I’m sent from above * I’m not that innocent * you see my problem is this * I’m dreaming away * wishing that heroes, they truly exist * * I cry watching the days * can’t you see I’m a fool * in so many ways? * but to lose all my senses * that is just so typically me * * baby, oh * oops! I did it again * * I played with your heart * got lost in the game * oh, baby, baby * oops! You think I’m in love * * that I’m sent from above * I’m not that innocent * |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/david-cross-making-america-great-again-transcript/ | David Cross: Making America Great Again! (2016) | Transcript | david cross | David Cross: Making America Great Again! is a stand-up comedy special by American comedian and actor David Cross.
It was filmed live at the Paramount Theatre in Austin, Texas on June 11, 2016, and premiered on Netflix on August 5, 2016.
In the special, Cross takes aim at Donald Trump, religious taboos, and American swagger. * * * Ask me a question. Do you have a dog? Oh, I had to have him removed years ago. It was benign, but it still didn’t prevent it from being adopted. And now it’s in a loving, caring home. How’re you liking Austin? This is where the toaster was invented. That’s a good contribution, right? Where do you get your glasses? Uh… a guy named Klaus Nomi. What subjects will you be talking about tonight? I will be doing a chunk of time on next year’s CMAs. Swiss muesli, what’s all that about? How did they get their own weird… And chain wallets, inner-lip tattoos, chlorinated vaginas. How do you maintain your facial hair? Fuck you, dude! That’s fucking rude! That’s so cool. There will be some nudity. So you should know that. Quite a lot of nudity. Some mildly tasteful, some outrageously offensive. Personally, I find the human body a thing of beauty. Um… depending on breast size, I suppose. Uh… and less so for women. How are you? I… I get these a lot. They get sent to my Facebook page. So, in no particular order, uh… What Beatle am I? Ringo. Friends, I’m Ross. Uh… what apostle? I’m Luke. ♪ Shut up Now listen to David Cross ♪
♪ There’s so much you could learn But you don’t want to know ♪
♪ And now I got some good news for you ♪
♪ It’s about time for the show ♪ Uh, what percent milk? I’m 2% milk. What Jonestown massacre victim am I? Yenetta McCree. What’s the meaning of life? I don’t know. God, I don’t know! ♪ Yes, it’s time for the show ♪
♪ So go get in your seats now ♪
♪ Are you ready to laugh again? ♪
♪ Like it was 2010 ♪
♪ It’s time to hear from the messenger ♪
♪ Let’s hear some jokes About America, guns and TV ♪
♪ Turn off your goddamn cell phones now ♪
♪ Or you’ll get punched in the dick ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome David Cross! Austin, Texas! Rootin’ tootin’, shootin’, scoot bootin’, flutin’. God bless us. All right. Hello. All right, so I got a lot of show. I want to jump into it, but first, I’m gonna tell you a little anecdote of… so many of the things that have occurred on this long tour I’ve done all across this great land of ours. One of the best things I’ve seen so far… I was in Santa Rosa, California. No. Absolutely not. Absolutely… I don’t… There’s two of you. There’s a dude up there and a woman here. When was the last time you were in Santa Rosa? It’s been a while. It’s been a while. Yeah, yeah. It’s… Trust me, I don’t know what’s so great about Santa… I mean, if you… do you collect dirt and boarded-up windows? Then… then, yes, it’s great. So you might know of this place. There is a tattoo parlor there called Tattoos, and, you know, written in this beautiful, golden calligraphy on the front door, big, beautiful letters, “home of the Get What You Get tattoo.” “The Get What You Get tattoo.” I can’t think of a worse slogan for a tattoo parlor. And, I mean, how does that work? “Hi, yes… I’m a little nervous. I’ve never gotten a tattoo before. But… this is a photo of my daughter Angel. She would have been six today. I’m wonderin’ if you could tattoo her likeness, and then, above it, a ribbon that says, ‘Rest in peace.’ You know the famous painting of the cherubs looking down from heaven? Can they be holding the ribbon? Underneath, it would say, ‘Bye-bye, sweetheart. Mommy misses you very much.’ And if I could get that, and… Well, is it gonna hurt? I don’t know. Should I take a shot? Okay, just do it.” You know, and then… and then cut to three hours later. “All right, all done. Take a look.” “Oh, my God! What is this? This isn’t what I asked for. This is a naked female devil with big tits that’s spreading her legs and flipping the bird. It says, ‘Yo, nigga, where my paper be at?’ What? That’s not what I asked for at all.” “Hey, you get what you get. That’s why I put it on the door, lady. Sign’s on the door. Free to walk in. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it, all right? I’m an artist. Okay? I wasn’t feeling your dead kid thing. It was bumming me out, to be honest.” And they… This is for real. After I did that set, the tattoo parlor found out that I had talked about them. I mentioned it in the set that night. No idea what the context was. And they got in touch with me on my Facebook page, and they’re like, “Heard you mentioned the shop. I don’t know if you’re in town, but if you wanna come and get a Get-What-You-Get tattoo, we’ll waive the $40 fee.” Like, “No! Thank you. I don’t roll the dice on a tattoo. All right? If I get a burrito at a food truck, sure, but not a… not a tattoo.” “All right, let’s see what we got! I hope it’s a good one! Ah, fuck! An Iron Cross. God damn it! That’s… not what I wanted at all.” The thing is, there is a tattoo I want to get. There’s a specific tattoo I want to get, and… I have a couple tattoos. The first tattoo I ever got is on my stomach, and it says, “Do not see Memento.” But there is a tattoo I’ve been meaning to get for years, and I keep pussying out. And I do want to get it eventually, but I want to get a tattoo of Muhammad. You know, not just Muhammad. That’d be inflammatory. You know, I… I would put him… on the back of a milk carton, right? And then it would say, “Have you seen me?” See? So, it’s a clever way to do it. I would do that, but you just don’t want to be in the position where, as the blade was cutting into the jugular, and going, “But you see the irony? Because you wouldn’t…” All right, yeah. True. It’s not gonna work. So I was… I was home fairly recently, back in Atlanta, where I’m from, for Thanksgiving… which is our big family holiday that’s… I don’t know why and when it became our big holiday, but it did over the years. I guess we’re not a religious family. Well, I’m not, I’m an atheist, but my… That’s pretty weak, guys. Yeah, even weaker. That’s even sadder. Yeah. Okay, the seven of us will meet afterwards and talk about stuff. That’d be the worst rally in history. No, but yeah, I’m an atheist. I don’t care what anybody else is. I truly don’t, but… the rest of my family are… Just… they’re… They’re Jews. They’re Jews. They’re dirty Jews. And… they just sit in my sister’s condo, and just manipulate the world’s banks and media in their underground bunker at the condo and… It’s hard maintaining that stereotype. It takes work. So anyway, but yeah, Thanksgiving is our… That’s the one where it’s mandated we all gotta come together and hang out. I guess, you know, we do… As a family, we like to observe and celebrate what’s considered the first day of the near genocide of an entire race of peoples. It’s… it’s important to us as Holocaust survivors, you know… to be able to gather for a big feast and go, “Hey, look who we’re doing better than. All right, okay. Pass the potatoes. Yeah. It was touch and go there for a minute, a little iffy. But we pulled through. We persevered.” But… here’s the thing, my family, like I imagine a lot of people in this room, is fairly dysfunctional. We do not get along that great, and there are dysfunctional elements within it that take the human form, is probably the politest way I can put that, and we… There’s always drama. There always is. There’s always arguments. And it happened again this year, and… And, when you’re arguing with your family, it’s never about the thing you’re arguing about. That has nothing to do with the situation. You’re just using that argument as a way to facilitate the tiniest little release on the pressure that’s built up, 50-plus years of anger and bitter recriminations and severe disappointment, and petty jealousies, and that’s what it is. And so… we got in this really bad argument. It’s the whole point of this story, and… My mom… It was… It was about the dumbest thing. It was the most inane, innocuous… The argument wasn’t… It wasn’t the best way to set up the Roku. Yeah. Yep. It was the best way to find out how to set up the Roku. That’s what the fucking argument was. That’s how it started. It was nothing. And then it so quickly got out of hand. It was crazy. And it was so quickly not about that, and my mom and I were arguing. We’re a very demonstrative, argumentative, loud family. We cuss and everything. And my mom and I start getting into it… And there’s other people, too. It’s not just my family. There’s other guests there. It’s super awkward. And my mom and I are going at it. We are arguing, back and forth, pointing. It’s getting heated. When you are arguing like that, especially with a family member, and there’s no editor. There’s no filter. You’re saying stuff back and forth. It’s all emotional. And occasionally, in those moments, you will learn something about the other person that you never knew before. And when you find that thing out, it changes the dynamic in your relationship forever. That’s what happened. My mom and I are going at it. It’s getting heated. Yelling, screaming… It’s loud and it’s really awkward. And in the middle of this, we find out that my mom… cannot take a punch. Yeah. True story. True story. But this is, uh… When I was back in Atlanta, at the airport… And this is totally for real. When I was there, I saw that they have a luggage store, a Tumi, T-U-M-I, luggage store inside the airport. It’s… it’s inside… the airport. I mean, ostensibly, the last place you would ever need to purchase luggage, you know? It’d make a bit more sense if it was by the curbside check-in or maybe by the ticket counter or maybe by the security gate there, you know, on the off chance that there are enough people to support a business who are waking up late, going, “Oh, no, I overslept and I gotta get to the airport. Better not take two minutes to throw all this in a suitcase. I’ll just gather it in my hands, and get my lotions, Claritin, nasal spray and gluten-free nuts, and Us Weeklys, and iPod, and belt, inflatable neck pillow and… Taxi! Going to the airport! Yeah, okay, hi. All right. Just throw all that on. Sorry. Run it through. I dropped some of that stuff. I think… Sorry, that’s my belt. What? ‘Cause I’m gonna get a suitcase on the inside. Yeah, all good. Yeah. ‘Cause they sell them on the inside, asshole. What the fuck is with this guy? Fucking attitude.” No, you don’t get to do that. You’re not allowed to do that. You know… So, I guess that there are… enough people who are, you know, checked in, and they’re heading to their gate, and they’re like… “What? What? Oh, my God. That is the most amazing suitcase I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve got to have that right now. I’ve gotta… Just go on without me! I… Sir, yes, I wanna get that suitcase there, the… No, not the carry-on. I can get that anywhere. The large suitcase. Yes… um… How’s this gonna work? ‘Cause I’m already… I’m checked in, and… So I guess I’ll buy it and then I’ll go back out, and I’ll ask them to hold the plane, pull my luggage, and I could change it… No, I have to buy another ticket and I’ll meet those guys… No, this isn’t gonna work. Come on. There is a way. I know I can figure it out. Come on, David. Think. Oh, I know what! I’m going to be back here in two weeks on my way home. So, let me pay for it now. Here’s my card. There’s probably a 300% markup, and there’s at least half a dozen places to get a suitcase within a mile of my apartment, but this way, I’ll get it, and then I’ll have it, and then… Oh, my God. Yeah, all right. Yeah. Good. Good stuff.” All right. And now, here’s a question. Um… You know all those vape stores and vape lounges? What do you think they’re gonna be when they go out of business next year? Hmm… Hoverboard shops? Probably Hoverboard shops. Those will last, yeah. And I really don’t get the appeal of that e-tobacco shit, ’cause I smoked for years and years and I don’t ever recall going… “Yeah, that’s okay. But… I wish it tasted like a Cinnabon. Oh, well. I guess, until technology catches up with my desires… I’ll just have to keep dipping it in Air Wick and… rolling it in Pillsbury frosting to… get my vape on.” So, here’s a little New York anecdote for you. I was actually out, working on this material for this set, and I was hitting a bunch of clubs. And I was coming out of this club in the East Village in New York, and I was gonna head to the subway, go home, and, right as I exit… right as I open the door and come out on the street, a guy goes barreling past me. He’s going, “Motherfucking piece of shit, fucking cocksucker, motherfucking cunt, fucking bitch, piece of shit,” which is not an uncommon thing in New York. But what was interesting was, right away, I could see that, visually, he wasn’t the typical homeless guy or mentally-ill homeless guy you attribute that behavior to. I mean, he looked… He was dressed nicely, I guess, is what I’m saying. Which I know is relative, ’cause, you know, I think I’m doing pretty good right now, but… But he was in a suit is what I’m saying. He was in a suit and he had electronics, and he looked like a businessman guy, and he was definitely not on the phone. We’re walking in the same direction. And, you know, he’s a white guy. “Motherfuckin’ piece of shit, cocksuckin’ son of a bitch. Fuck it, yeah. Okay. Hi, Hitler! Hi, Hitler!” And… I was like… “Did he say, ‘Hi, Hitler’?” And… he crossed the street, so… I crossed the street to follow him. “Motherfuckin’, cocksuckin’ son of a bitch, fuckin’ cunt, fuckin’ stupid bitch, yeah. Okay. Hi, Hitler! Hi, Hitler!” And he is, in fact, saying, “Hi, Hitler.” That is what he was saying. Which means one of two things. Either… He was… He clearly had this upsetting experience and he’s venting, and, in the middle of venting, he sees Hitler down the street… so he stops to say hi… be a nice neighbor. Either that, or… this grown man… has lived his entire life… thinking the phrase is “Hi, Hitler.” That the German people… who speak fluent German, FYI, they… Yeah. The German people chose one word of English to use… and that word was a salutation. And that, with all the available archival news reels, and film footage, and fictionalized versions of Hitler’s life, and all the footage of him giving speeches to the hundreds of thousands of people, the citizens and the soldiers, the Luftwaffe, the SS, that in the greatest example of the collective unconscious ever recorded, that all these people would… simultaneously… without consulting one another… suddenly say, “Hi, Hitler!” “Hi, Hitler! It’s me, Joseph, from Hamburg. We met at the patisserie. I don’t… Sorry, guys, I’m trying to say hi. Hi… What? Everybody’s doing it. What is happening? Can you guys give me… Hi, Hitler… What is happening with you people? I’m just… Hi… What is happening?” I’ll take it. So, I was jerking off this morning… Oh. Usually gets a standing ovation, but all right. Whatever. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. To the Statue of Liberty. And… Because I love America. Oh, I love America, y’all. Whenever I see the Statue of Liberty or think of the Statue of Liberty, I immediately get a hard-on, and I got to rub one out… as a way to show my patriotism… or patriot-jism. – No. No. No. No. Absolutely not. That does not leave this room. We’re gonna cut it out of the special. Never happened. Never occurred. I will fucking deny it. You never… No, but I was thinking about the poem on the base of the Statue of Liberty, which reads, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse from your teeming shores. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me: I lift my lamp beside the golden door.” And you know what I was thinking? What a beautiful, optimistic… humane ideal to have. And… one that’s quite literally the opposite of what Republicans believe. Literally… the opposite of what their candidate’s platform is. And I can’t… How… What is the cognitive dissonance for those people? I mean, how did the two things… You know, the Statue of Liberty is easily the most iconic symbol of freedom in the entire world, and it’s exactly the opposite of what they… Their heads must explode. I don’t know how they deal with it. And, you know, it’s gonna be awkward for whoever the Republican candidate is. Trump, please. Please. Please. Please. Because, you know… they’re gonna have to take that photo op in front of the poem, and it’s gonna be awkward for them, and… I do have some empathy for them. And I know it’s a little unfair to have empathy for a person who, that’s literally the one trait they lack. And… Because, well… But that’s what’s… Let’s be honest. That’s what makes America weak, is empathy. When we care about those less fortunate than ourselves, that’s what’s bringing us down. It’s that kind of… altruistic attitude that weakens us as a nation. Sure. Sure. Ask Ayn Rand. She’ll tell you. Ask Ayn Rand. I believe you can still find her ghost haunting the same public housing she died in while on Social Security and Medicare. Public housing, on Social Security and Medicare. Oh! That is what we call in the business, a real hypocritical cunt. That’s what we call it. That’s what that is. But regardless… it is going to be awkward for them to do that photo op in front of the poem, and… You know what it is? You know what? I bet they don’t even know about the poem, you know… ’cause it’s a poem… and poems are for fags. What? That liberal arts, feminist women’s studies… No, thank you. But it’s gonna be weird. They’re gonna find out on the way there. “What? No kidding. I had no idea. Where is it? Over here? Is it a limerick? Oh, I love limericks. Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Oh, look at that. Huh? Wait, what? ‘Wretched refuse’? What? Nobody likes wretched refuse. Is this a joke? Who put this here? Was it Carter? It was probably Carter, right? Yeah. All right. Yeah. Go build another house for a homeless family, loser. Give me the etching acid and we’ll get this back up to speed. Know what? This is gonna take too long. Just add ‘non-brown’ in parenthesis before everything. That’ll get us back up to speed on where we are in 2016. Yeah.” These are exciting times. They’re exciting times. And, you know, it’s so interesting to me how faux mystified everybody is at Donald Trump‘s rise, his ascension. And it’s no mystery to me. This is no mystery at all, you know. I mean, at least 25% of this country has always been ignorant, racist xenophobes who are easily appealed to on an emotional level. That’s it. That’s always been the case. That’s it. They didn’t just pop up once Obama was elected. All this bullshit American exceptionalism just didn’t turn sour like Siggi’s. And it’s great to watch, entertaining, too, to watch the Republican Party and the right-wing media try to retroactively undo what they have been creating for the last 35 years. You know, but it’s too late. It’s too late. That’s America’s id. It’s out of the bottle. They’re trying to tamp it back in, like, “Get that thing… ” But it’s out there and it’s fucking rampaging all over America. And, you know, you can’t spend every single day for seven and a half fucking years telling these people that your president is a Communist Muslim from Kenya who hates America and wants to destroy it, and not expect this result. What the fuck? Of course people are pissed off. Yeah. And everybody’s like, “What’s his appeal? I don’t get it.” Well, look, I… The reason I think so many people like to go to Donald Trump gatherings is because it allows them the opportunity to finally go to a white-power rally without all the guilt, you know? And you can say what you want about Donald Trump. Personally, I think he’s Klan-tastic. I really do. And… “‘Cause he’s just tellin’ it like it is. That’s what I love about Donald Trump, son. He’s a man who’s up there tellin’ it like it is, okay? All right? He… All that stuff we supposed to say behind closed doors, he’s sayin’ it out loud. Now we can, too! Yeah. He ain’t gonna put up with this PC nonsense, okay? He’s gonna stand up to them PC bullies, all right? ‘Cause this PC, it’s gotten out of control. It is really crazy. I can’t say certain things without hurtin’ somebody’s feelings, okay? And have my First Amendment rights trampled all over, okay? This PC nonsense has gotten out of hand. It’s crazy that, in the year 2016, I can’t call a thug a nigger without being called a racist. What? What happened? Come on. And those people callin’ me racist are hateful and intolerant. They’re intolerant of my intolerance and that makes them the hypocrites. Yeah. He’s tellin’ it like it is ’cause he wants to take us back, he wants to make America great again. Take us back, Donald. Back to when America was great. Back before a black man could become president. Even further, back to when it was great before the Civil Rights Act. That’s when everything went off the rails. Look what happens now. You got Beyoncé puttin’ a beret on her vagina, marchin’ up and down the Super Bowl, the holiest day of the American year. Good Lord! Yeah. He’s just like me. That’s what I love about Donald Trump. He’s just like me. Born and raised in New York City. Inherited $200 million the day I was born. Yep, he’s just like me in every way possible except in any way possible. Yep.” And, here’s the thing, Donald Trump… Donald Trump said that he loves the poorly educated because he appeals to the poorly educated. His words, not mine. Although, they’re mine also. They are mine as well. But… of course he does. Who else… How else can an ostentatious billionaire who fucking writes his name in gold over everything he owns, who brags constantly about how much money he has… He has billions of dollars. Who else could get people who are struggling financially to give him money happily? That is fucking genius. That’s… That is a genius we haven’t seen in a long time. And they’re happy to do it. They love it. Here’s the thing, he’s playing these people for suckers. He doesn’t give a shit about them. He is openly contemptuous of these people. He would walk over them in front of Trump Plaza. They’re not getting within five miles of Mar-a-Iago or any of his golf courses, unless they’re bringing the dessert cart. They’re not… I mean, can you imagine the size of the Purell bottle on his private jet that he fucking wallows in after meeting people? He doesn’t like those people. He’s about himself. He’s about his brand. When you listen to his words… ‘Cause he has nothing of substance. You go to his policy page. I’ve been on it. It’s fantasy. It’s garbage. It’ll never work. There’s nothing there. It’s impractical. It’ll never happen. It’s fantasy. Donald Trump, if you listen to his words, sounds like a character in a war movie who is comforting his buddy who… doesn’t understand that the bottom half of him has been exploded off, and he’s only got seconds to die. He’s like, “Everything’s gonna be all right?” “It’s gonna be great, phenomenal. You’re gonna love it. It’s gonna be fantastic. Oh, my God. It’s gonna get… “ “And we’re gonna win, right?” “So hard, it’s gonna make their head spin. Believe me. I know a guy who can make it work. You got nothing to worry about. Just trust me on this.” “And we’ll keep the Mexicans out, right?” “Yeah. I’m gonna build a wall. It’s gonna be 30-feet high, a huge wall. You’re gonna love it. Just for you. Don’t worry how. Nobody builds walls like me. I mean, I’m the best wall-builder.” And here’s the thing, you know the guy who is dying in Donald’s arms? That’s the American intellect. But! But, but, maybe it’s not Donald J. Trump. Maybe it’s Ted Cruz. One of your boys, huh? Yeah, he’s one of your guys. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Ted Cruz is a whole other kettle of shitty fish. Ted Cruz is a man who thinks that God only made one mistake, and that is when he created the clitoris. “What… What’s it there for? Makes no sense. I don’t get it. That thing’s just causing me nothing but trouble. Don’t want it.” This is what I imagine has happened behind Ted Cruz’s back, almost on a weekly basis, starting from the age of five up until maybe last week, is this conversation, “Oh, no.” “What’s wrong, buddy?” “Man, Ted Cruz found out about the party.” “Oh, fuck! No! That guy? Ugh! What do we do? Do we cancel? I think we gotta cancel. Nobody wants that smug asshole around. Yeah.” No. But I… I was jerking off this morning… to the latest gun deaths. ‘Cause I love America. I already said it, I love America. And whenever I read about yet another random, senseless, yet completely avoidable gun death, you know, it gets me hard. ‘Cause I’m a patriot, you know. Is there anything more American than standing firm and resolute in the face of rational thought? I think not. That is American exceptionalism. We do it better than any country. And let me preface… let me preface this next chunk by qualifying what I’m about to say, and that is that I’m pro-gun-control. I’m pro-sensible-safety-measures, okay? I’m not one of these I-wanna-take-all-your-guns-away people. You know why? Because those people don’t exist. Nobody’s fucking saying that. Nobody is saying that. That’s a specious, red herring, bullshit argument the NRA props up. No! Fuck. You wanna hunt? Go hunt. Great. You wanna take your handguns down to the gun range and shoot pretend paper Muslims? Knock yourselves out. That’s great. I don’t give a shit. Good on you. That’s great. I’ve shot guns before, a bunch of times. It’s fucking fun. It’s a fun feeling. I do like it. It’s fun. I’m just talking about sensible… what, to me, are just obvious measures. Like an ID, your thumbprint ID unlocks your gun. That’s a safety measure. The same kind of safety measure we use to unlock our fucking cell phones, maybe we can apply to an instrument of death. How does that impinge on your Second Amendment rights? It doesn’t. Shut the fuck up. It does not. Seriously, why can’t we have that? ‘Cause if we did, maybe we wouldn’t have to read about yet another 12-year-old boy who accidentally shot his eight-year-old son. Come on, Texas, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know what I’m talking about. Seriously, things that make sense to me, like trying, at least, to close the gun show loophole. You shouldn’t be able to buy a modded-out assault rifle from the trunk of a car from behind a Denny’s from a guy who got it off Craigslist from a guy who walked into Walmart and got it. That doesn’t make any sense. You shouldn’t… We should just make it a little bit more difficult for people with known violent tendencies to be able to get a gun. And I’m not talking about the cops. No. Not talking about the cops. I’m… I’m saying, let’s make it a little bit more difficult for mentally unstable people with known violent tendencies to be able to get a… And again, I’m not talking about the cops. If you can go on their Facebook page and see that this guy is a virulent racist, right? Make it a little more difficult for virulent racists, who are mentally unstable with known violent tendencies, to be able to get… And again, I’m not talking about the cops. Or am I? Hmm. No. I think we can all agree that blue lives murder. – Now… Not all of them, not most of them, but a bunch of ’em murder. They’re murdering us. Well, not us. We’re white, but… You know who doesn’t like that bit? Cops. They don’t like it. They don’t like it. And I think it’s important… I’m being sincere. I think it’s important that we acknowledge, all of us, that there are plenty of good, decent, ethical, very brave cops, who put their lives on the line every day, and they don’t appreciate… Sure. And though… They don’t appreciate being painted with this broad brush as being violent predators just because of the actions of a minority of their brothers. They don’t like being stereotyped so that when you see blue, you just think, “Oh, violent thug.” They don’t appreciate it. I think I made my point. And after every mass shooting… There was another one today in Ohio. Eight people. Same thing always happens. Always. News media will trot out the victims’ relatives on TV, and whoever it is, the mother, the father, the grieving son or daughter, husband and wife, sister, brother, whoever, same thing always happens. They start crying, and they all say the same thing “How many more innocent people have to be shot to death before we do something in this country?” And, you know, it’s a valid question, and it deserves an answer. So, I crunched the numbers… and it turns out… 1,776 more people have to die before we do something about it. But there’s a caveat. It’s not cumulative. Has to be all at once. Has to be all at once. This is America. Go big or go home, right? That’s how we do. All right? Yeah. What, Sandy Hook? Twenty kids and six teachers? Didn’t do anything. Fuck that. Had the reverse effect. No, no, no, it’s gotta be big, big, big. And if you’re like-minded, you wanna see gun safety enacted, then what I suggest is we hire somebody to shoot 1,776 people, but we justify it the same way we justified dropping an atomic bomb on Hiroshima and then, three days later, dropping another one on Nagasaki. Yes, we killed 130,000 innocent people. Civilians, not soldiers, yes. But we did it for the greater good, ’cause by doing that, perhaps we got the war to end sooner. And maybe we saved 200,000 lives, half a million lives, a million lives. See? It was for the greater good. So that’s what I’m saying. We pay somebody to go to the next big event. Uh… Kentucky Derby? Kentucky Derby. Let’s say Kentucky Derby. No great loss, really. Maybe some cool hats, but outside of that… We pay somebody to go in Bane-style and take them all. Preferably a white guy. It’s gotta be or it’s gonna set the whole cause back, like, 40 years. And here’s the thing. If we didn’t do anything as a country after Sandy Hook… Twenty kids and six teachers? Had the reverse effect. Donations to the NRA tripled. Gun sales tripled after that. Then we’re fucked. We are fucked, all right? And after Sandy Hook, Wayne LaPierre, the Executive Vice President of the NRA, went on television and had a press conference, and he said the solution was to arm the teachers. That’s what he… Well, see, I get that a lot. You’re thinking emotionally. You’re not thinking intellectually. ‘Cause if you think intellectually, it makes more sense when you think about the temperament and the personality that makes up the kind of person who willfully takes the most thankless job in America for very little money, where the sole satisfaction is to create a good, decent, creative, inquisitive, ethical, moral person and put him out in the world, and potentially shoot them later. Because… that’s what teachers love to do. There are two things teachers love. They love to teach and they love to shoot. Oh, they love shooting. Oh, don’t let them fool you. They love shooting. “All right, class, so when we last left off, we were talking about homonyms, and a homonym, and… Forgive me, this isn’t my normal writing hand. But… All right. A homonym is a word that sounds the same, but it’s spelled differently… Cody? Cody, open up your mouth. Is that gum in your mouth? Is it? Mmm, it is, isn’t it? Yeah. And did you bring enough for the entire class? Did you bring enough for the entire class? Now, get up here! Get up here! Get up here! That’s right. I want that gum, Cody. Uh-uh. No, no. Don’t spit it out in your hand. I want you to put it on the barrel of the gun… with your mouth. Use your mouth. And then I want… Aw. shit. All right. Go to the principal’s office and have him call your mom, bring you a change of pants.All right. Ah, best teacher’s aide ever.” No, that doesn’t make any sense. “Arm the teachers.” That’s not gonna do anything. There were armed guards at Columbine. No, you wanna ensure safety and security, you have to arm the students, all right? Every student gets a gun. Every student gets a gun in my America. I know what you’re thinking. “David, at Sandy Hook, they were first graders. They were five, six years old. They can’t handle a Bushmaster. The recoil will take their arm off.” Right. That’s why we give them those Smith & Wesson lady guns. Those little fun guns for ladies. Maybe they wing the shooter, buy some time. That’s when the second and third graders are the ones who come and go, “Freeze, motherfuck… “ You know, that’s how… that’s how it’ll work. Yeah. And, you know, currently… there are only 282 Congressmen and 33 governors and, of course, some state legislators who are beholden to the NRA. You know, they’re venal, craven people and they won’t even allow a bill to come to the floor. They knock it down each time. That’s not a lot of people for a country of over 320 million people. They won’t even allow the bill to come to the floor for a vote. No. No. No. NRA says, “No, not gonna happen.” I wonder what would happen if… Say whoever the NRA’s highest-rated Congressman was… You know, 100% rating, five golden smiley bullets, whatever the fuck it is… What would happen if they were at work, and it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day, and some crazy motherfucker came in, Kevlar vest, armed to the teeth, modded-out AK-47, Bushmasters, Glocks, magazines that had steel-jacketed, hollow-point, armor-piercing bullets, came in, all stuff he got off of the Internet three days ago, and came in, took out security, got on the floor, took out nine, ten, 11, 12 people before he was shot to death, and one of them… was the Congressman’s daughter? And I wonder what would happen or what he would think as he’s sitting there, cradling his dying daughter in his hands and her body is riddled with bullets, her spine is pierced, and her… She’s drowning in her own fluid ’cause her lung is pierced, and he could see all the bullet holes and the deep, dark, sticky blood that’s pulsing out. It’s spurting up, but it’s getting weaker and weaker with each breath. And this beautiful girl… well, beautiful on the inside, I guess, but beautiful girl… is looking up and she’s trying to say, “Daddy, what happened? What happened?” But she can’t ’cause her larynx is sliced, so all that’s coming out is a wet gurgle-y wheeze, and he can literally see the light leaving her eyes as she dies in his arms. And I wonder if he would think, “Oh, God. Small price to pay. Freedom isn’t free, honey. Freedom isn’t free. Put the body on the pile, and get that pile out of here. It’s making us look really bad right now. Wait, who’s on the phone? Oh, Jesus. Yes, hello. Hello, Mr. LaPierre. Yeah… No. No, sir. No, it will not happen again. She was my only child. Okay. You know where to wire the money. Okay, thank you.” Maybe. Maybe he might think that. Or… maybe he might think, “Oh, wow! Now that this tragedy has affected me personally, I can see how awful and wrong it was.” I don’t know. One of the two. One of the two things… Tough to tell. Tough to tell. Who knows? And another thing people often say is, “You know, why do we… In this country, why do we allow so many of our innocent kids to be shot to death? Why do we allow that as a country?” Why do… Well, not “us.” God. “Why does God… ” We have no control over the situation. It’s in God’s hands. “Why does God… allow so many of our innocent kids to be shot to death and… You know, they’d… I mean… I know he has mysterious ways, y’all, but how do… What is he thinking? What are you thinking, God? Taking all… And I’m not questioning you ’cause I know you have your mysterious ways and you’re omnipotent and all-wise, but it seems like you’re taking an awful lot of our children. What is the thinking behind it? I just… “ It… it is… That’s something that a lot of people ask. Why is God… allowing so many of our innocent kids to be shot to death? And… I have a possible answer… and you’re not going to like it. But maybe… Maybe God is allowing so many of our kids to be shot to death so that they can go to heaven where they then service the ISIS terrorists and suicide bombers as part of the 72 virgins they’re rewarded with. It’s a possibility. I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in any of that stuff, but I’m sure there’s some Muslims here, some Christians. Y’all argue amongst yourselves. Figure it out. I mean, keep arguing amongst yourselves, for another 1,400 years or so. You’ll be able to get it, I’m sure. Soon. Any minute now. For those of you still here… It’s… This happens… I’ve been doing this a lot. This is the, I don’t know, 65th show? I have no idea. And people get upset and leave every single show and… I don’t know… I think what happens is… It’s so weird to me, you know, that in… in 2016, at this point, I have, literally, eight-plus hours of my stand-up – available to peruse, check out… Maybe see if we’re on the same page about what subject matters I might broach. Seriously. I think there are a lot of people like, “Oh, hey, Tobias is in town. I didn’t know he told jokes. What’s he gonna do? Just fucking dress up in blue and fall down on the stage? Say some spoonerisms, some malaprops for an hour?” “I didn’t come down there to listen to my God being made fun of. Okay. And my God is a frail God, and is very thin-skinned and sensitive. I feel like I have to defend him. Some atheist Jew up there talking about… I’m sorry, you can’t be an atheist. If you a Jew, you a Jew, okay? Making fun of my God.” And look, let me say that I know that religion can do wonderful things, is responsible for wonderful, magnanimous, charitable deeds, can lift people from the gutter, from these horrible lives, and give them purpose and meaning. I know that. I see it all around me. But I also know, unarguably, that religion is responsible for awful, heinous, vile, vicious, murderous things, as well. I know that. And I know that hundreds of millions of people have died over the years because the selective interpretations of the fever dream of scientifically-ignorant illiterates who were told by their god, lord, messiah or prophet to go kill this guy ’cause he has a different god, lord, messiah, prophet or saw “a sign” from God because a pigeon landed on a fucking pig’s carcass, and he was like, “What does that mean? What? Pigeon, what are you trying to tell me? I should kill the Jews? Kill all the Jews? Or is it the Muslims? They both… Which is it? Pigeon, don’t fly away. There’s millions of lives at stake. Pigeon! Who do I kill? Kill them all. Let God sort them out. Got it, got it. Understood.” But, you know, as an atheist, I would love to see peace on Earth, world peace, via religions. I’d love to see the religions of the world come together and do the thing that they purport to truly want to do. We keep hearing about it all the time, right around Christmas, Ramadan, Hanukkah… “Oh, they want world peace.” Well, make it happen. Jesus. And… Here is an idea. I’ve had an idea for how to maybe make it happen. What we do is we get all the world’s religious leaders all together, right? We get the pope and all of his archbishops, and the people who in-fight in the Catholic Church, get the Roman Orthodox and the Greek Orthodox and the Church of England, and get them together with the rebbes and rabbis from the different sects in Judaism or ultra-Orthodox Judaism and the Haredi, and get them with the Muslim clerics and the imams the Sunni, the Shī’a and the Wahhabis, and get them with Methodist ministers and Baptist preachers, and get them all together for this, like, Davos, G7-style summit, right? Put ’em all in the same room and they can’t leave for five days. They all have to be together, right? And it… You know, we’ll make it fun. We’ll screen The Revenant at eight o’clock. Whatever, it’ll be great. But… they have to sit there. For five days, they can’t leave, and all be with each other, and then maybe they can start to see each other… as human beings and, maybe instead of focusing on their differences, they can focus on what makes them the same. Their shared values… raping children. And then maybe they’ll come together and they’ll see each other as brothers, kindred spirits, and offer tips on how to best rape children, cover up the crimes and then shame the victims. And then… Maybe then we’ll have peace on Earth. Yeah, all right. Great. Great. Fantastic. But maybe we’ll have a little bit less of that kind of behavior in the Catholic Church… now that we got a cool pope, right? We got a cool pope. The pope is cool. Yeah! He’s a cool pope! He tweets. The pope has a Twitter account. He’s a cool pope. I can’t turn on the news without hearing about how cool this pope is. Rolling Stone magazine, “The coolest pope of all time.” Yeah, he’s a cool pope. He’s totally cool. He’s still… He’s a badass. He’s a real badass, cool guy. He’s a cool pope. ♪ Cool pope Cool pope! ♪ He’s a cool pope. He’s a cool pope. Well, let me remind you, uh… Let me just remind you that the bar for being a cool pope… could not be lower… if it were lying at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Keep that in mind, madam. Yeah. All you have to do to be a cool pope is just be a little bit less of an unrepentant, sexist, homophobe hypocrite. That’s all. Little bit less. Um… I’m sorry. I have really digressed here. Seriously. I apologize. I was talking about gun control. Yes. I want to get back to that idea of that kind of staunch obstinance I referred to earlier. The… It’s a very American thing. I’m not just talking about the Second Amendment. It’s anything, and I think it’s something that we all share. I’m not being facetious here. I’m being serious. Especially as I travel abroad. And I think it’s that thing that we all share that personality. It’s woven into the fabric of this country and has been since its inception. And it’s that feeling… What it means to be American at its core, which is the idea, when it comes to government, of “Leave me alone.” All right? I mean, fuck it, this is Texas, for fuck’s sake. I mean, you guys are the kings of “leave me alone.” Jesus Christ, you threaten to secede when you fucking don’t get a minor bill passed. Of all the states… “We don’t want to give poor people health care. Fuck you. We’re gonna be our own country.” Yeah. “Leave me alone. Don’t tell me what to do. I don’t want the government to tell me what to do. Okay, I don’t want liberals to tell me what to do. I don’t want the Republican establishment to tell me what to do. I don’t want mass media to tell me what to do. I don’t want the banks to tell me what to do. I don’t want the IRS to tell me what to do. I don’t want the FBI to tell me what to do. I don’t want the ATF to tell me what to do. I don’t want the DEA to tell me what to do. Okay? I don’t want Washington insiders to tell me what to do. I don’t want New York elites to tell me what to do. I don’t want Hollywood to tell me what to do. I don’t want f*ggots to tell me what to do. I don’t want Hollywood f*ggots from New York to tell me what to do. I don’t want blacks to try to tell me what to do. I don’t want Jews to tell me what to do. I don’t want atheist hippies to tell me what to do. I don’t want children to tell me what to do. I don’t want the Internet to tell me what to do. I don’t want Neighborhood Watch programs to tell me what to do. I don’t want nutritional information labels to tell me what to do. I don’t want instructions on fancy Japanese urinals I can’t figure out how to operate to tell me what to do. I don’t want Area 51 guards to tell me what to do. I don’t want my hallucinations to tell me what to do. No, sir. Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm. There’s only… There’s only one group of people… There’s only one group of people… Come on now. Come on. There’s only one group of people… Come on. There’s only one group of people that can tell me what to do. Okay, only one group of people I’ll listen to. And that’s the Founding Fathers. They’s the only group. And I’m… I’m so sorry. My heart is so heavy, y’all. When I think about what we done to this country, and what the Founding Fathers would think of us, I kneel in shame. I’m so sorry, Founding Fathers. Y’all must be up in heaven, spinning in y’all’s graves. I know it. I know it. I’m so sorry. What we… They’d be so upset. They’d be so upset with us. The Founding Fathers would be so upset with us.” That is my all-time favorite inane, hypothetical, waste-of-time argument that people actually engage in. They actually… On TV, they get paid, the left and the right, have a serious debate about what the Founding Fathers would think about whatever the thing is. “I think the Founding Fathers would be furious.” “I disagree. I think they’d be proud.” I was like, “What a waste of fucking time that is.” It was 240 years ago. These people couldn’t conceive of Oregon, all right? What a monumental waste of time. Stupid thing. And even if you could bring ’em back, just for a second… First of all, they’re never gonna stay back. They’d wake up and have a massive coronary on the spot. They’d look around going, “Whoa!” And have a massive coronary. They’d die and we’d go, “Wait,” and bring ’em back. “No, wait, wait a sec.” It’d just be over and over again. It’d be like watching Battlestar Galactica on fast forward. And… even if you could bring ’em back to engage them in this… And they would freak… You know, forget about cell phones and cars and neon lights and electricity and asphalt and space flight and 3D and television. You know, fucking cotton candy would’ve blown their mind. “Hmm… Pray thee, what is this devil’s filament you’ve given me? It’s… sweet to the taste. It disappears instantly. I don’t… And there’s a color that cannot be found in nature. What is this, pray thee?” “Oh, we made it in that machine.” “What’s a machine? What’s a machine? Oh, my God!” What a… what a dumb… Dude, it’s ridiculous. I mean, think of the analogous situation to us. Let’s just imagine we all go to sleep, and we wake up and it’s 240 years later, and whatever the technological advances that have occurred in 240 years. And you wake up… You’re not even aware that you were dead. And the first thing is a bunch of people going, “Can you believe that Madam President bin Laden is talking about giving next gen synths the right to represent their moon pods in the Underwater Congress?” “What the… fuck did you just say? That… made no sense at all.” You know. All right. All right. Listen, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want… I have a very, very special impression that I’d like to do for you. Okay? I do one every six years. Now’s the time. This is my impression of Matthew McConaughey accepting the Best Actor Oscar in the year 2042. “All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right… all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right…” All right, thank you guys so much. Thank you. I’ll see y’all. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. “‘The world as we created it is a result of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.’ Clashing with authorities as a child and writing that the spirit of learning and creative thought was lost in strict rote and repetitive teaching, Albert Einstein went on to challenge conventional wisdom and redefine many of the sacred scientific theories developed and embraced. His great intellectual achievements and originality have made the name Einstein synonymous with genius. And that is the philosophy we embraced to imagine our new tableware collection.” “Beginning with a quest to develop the perfect plate. Now… we are not trying to claim that our new tableware collection can be compared to Einstein’s theory of relativity… but we do believe that, like the bending of light, with a change of thinking, one can reimagine almost anything… even a plate. Then again, it’s all relative. Thank you for teaching us that, Albert. Carpe diem.” “Carpe diem.” Are you… “Seize the day… with our new tableware collection. Until you’ve purchased a Restoration Hardware plate, your day is hardly seized, madam.” “Carpe diem. Gary Friedman, Chairman Emeritus, Creator and Curator.” And total tool. Restoration Hardware. All right, thanks, you guys. This was fun. Wait, let me take a… I gotta take a picture. Gotta take a picture. Bring up the lights. Thank you so much, man. Had a great time. Thank you. Sorry for being offensive. | Ask me a question. Do you have a dog? Oh, I had to have him removed years ago. It was benign, but it still didn’t prevent it from being adopted. And now it’s in a loving, caring home. How’re you liking Austin? This is where the toaster was invented. That’s a good contribution, right? Where do you get your glasses? Uh… a guy named Klaus Nomi. What subjects will you be talking about tonight? I will be doing a chunk of time on next year’s CMAs. Swiss muesli, what’s all that about? How did they get their own weird… And chain wallets, inner-lip tattoos, chlorinated vaginas. How do you maintain your facial hair? Fuck you, dude! That’s fucking rude! That’s so cool. There will be some nudity. So you should know that. Quite a lot of nudity. Some mildly tasteful, some outrageously offensive. Personally, I find the human body a thing of beauty. Um… depending on breast size, I suppose. Uh… and less so for women. How are you? I… I get these a lot. They get sent to my Facebook page. So, in no particular order, uh… What Beatle am I? Ringo. Friends, I’m Ross. Uh… what apostle? I’m Luke. ♪ Shut up Now listen to David Cross ♪ ♪ There’s so much you could learn But you don’t want to know ♪ ♪ And now I got some good news for you ♪ ♪ It’s about time for the show ♪ Uh, what percent milk? I’m 2% milk. What Jonestown massacre victim am I? Yenetta McCree. What’s the meaning of life? I don’t know. God, I don’t know! ♪ Yes, it’s time for the show ♪ ♪ So go get in your seats now ♪ ♪ Are you ready to laugh again? ♪ ♪ Like it was 2010 ♪ ♪ It’s time to hear from the messenger ♪ ♪ Let’s hear some jokes About America, guns and TV ♪ ♪ Turn off your goddamn cell phones now ♪ ♪ Or you’ll get punched in the dick ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome David Cross! Austin, Texas! Rootin’ tootin’, shootin’, scoot bootin’, flutin’. God bless us. All right. Hello. All right, so I got a lot of show. I want to jump into it, but first, I’m gonna tell you a little anecdote of… so many of the things that have occurred on this long tour I’ve done all across this great land of ours. One of the best things I’ve seen so far… I was in Santa Rosa, California. No. Absolutely not. Absolutely… I don’t… There’s two of you. There’s a dude up there and a woman here. When was the last time you were in Santa Rosa? It’s been a while. It’s been a while. Yeah, yeah. It’s… Trust me, I don’t know what’s so great about Santa… I mean, if you… do you collect dirt and boarded-up windows? Then… then, yes, it’s great. So you might know of this place. There is a tattoo parlor there called Tattoos, and, you know, written in this beautiful, golden calligraphy on the front door, big, beautiful letters, “home of the Get What You Get tattoo.” “The Get What You Get tattoo.” I can’t think of a worse slogan for a tattoo parlor. And, I mean, how does that work? “Hi, yes… I’m a little nervous. I’ve never gotten a tattoo before. But… this is a photo of my daughter Angel. She would have been six today. I’m wonderin’ if you could tattoo her likeness, and then, above it, a ribbon that says, ‘Rest in peace.’ You know the famous painting of the cherubs looking down from heaven? Can they be holding the ribbon? Underneath, it would say, ‘Bye-bye, sweetheart. Mommy misses you very much.’ And if I could get that, and… Well, is it gonna hurt? I don’t know. Should I take a shot? Okay, just do it.” You know, and then… and then cut to three hours later. “All right, all done. Take a look.” “Oh, my God! What is this? This isn’t what I asked for. This is a naked female devil with big tits that’s spreading her legs and flipping the bird. It says, ‘Yo, nigga, where my paper be at?’ What? That’s not what I asked for at all.” “Hey, you get what you get. That’s why I put it on the door, lady. Sign’s on the door. Free to walk in. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it, all right? I’m an artist. Okay? I wasn’t feeling your dead kid thing. It was bumming me out, to be honest.” And they… This is for real. After I did that set, the tattoo parlor found out that I had talked about them. I mentioned it in the set that night. No idea what the context was. And they got in touch with me on my Facebook page, and they’re like, “Heard you mentioned the shop. I don’t know if you’re in town, but if you wanna come and get a Get-What-You-Get tattoo, we’ll waive the $40 fee.” Like, “No! Thank you. I don’t roll the dice on a tattoo. All right? If I get a burrito at a food truck, sure, but not a… not a tattoo.” “All right, let’s see what we got! I hope it’s a good one! Ah, fuck! An Iron Cross. God damn it! That’s… not what I wanted at all.” The thing is, there is a tattoo I want to get. There’s a specific tattoo I want to get, and… I have a couple tattoos. The first tattoo I ever got is on my stomach, and it says, “Do not see Memento.” But there is a tattoo I’ve been meaning to get for years, and I keep pussying out. And I do want to get it eventually, but I want to get a tattoo of Muhammad. You know, not just Muhammad. That’d be inflammatory. You know, I… I would put him… on the back of a milk carton, right? And then it would say, “Have you seen me?” See? So, it’s a clever way to do it. I would do that, but you just don’t want to be in the position where, as the blade was cutting into the jugular, and going, “But you see the irony? Because you wouldn’t…” All right, yeah. True. It’s not gonna work. So I was… I was home fairly recently, back in Atlanta, where I’m from, for Thanksgiving… which is our big family holiday that’s… I don’t know why and when it became our big holiday, but it did over the years. I guess we’re not a religious family. Well, I’m not, I’m an atheist, but my… That’s pretty weak, guys. Yeah, even weaker. That’s even sadder. Yeah. Okay, the seven of us will meet afterwards and talk about stuff. That’d be the worst rally in history. No, but yeah, I’m an atheist. I don’t care what anybody else is. I truly don’t, but… the rest of my family are… Just… they’re… They’re Jews. They’re Jews. They’re dirty Jews. And… they just sit in my sister’s condo, and just manipulate the world’s banks and media in their underground bunker at the condo and… It’s hard maintaining that stereotype. It takes work. So anyway, but yeah, Thanksgiving is our… That’s the one where it’s mandated we all gotta come together and hang out. I guess, you know, we do… As a family, we like to observe and celebrate what’s considered the first day of the near genocide of an entire race of peoples. It’s… it’s important to us as Holocaust survivors, you know… to be able to gather for a big feast and go, “Hey, look who we’re doing better than. All right, okay. Pass the potatoes. Yeah. It was touch and go there for a minute, a little iffy. But we pulled through. We persevered.” But… here’s the thing, my family, like I imagine a lot of people in this room, is fairly dysfunctional. We do not get along that great, and there are dysfunctional elements within it that take the human form, is probably the politest way I can put that, and we… There’s always drama. There always is. There’s always arguments. And it happened again this year, and… And, when you’re arguing with your family, it’s never about the thing you’re arguing about. That has nothing to do with the situation. You’re just using that argument as a way to facilitate the tiniest little release on the pressure that’s built up, 50-plus years of anger and bitter recriminations and severe disappointment, and petty jealousies, and that’s what it is. And so… we got in this really bad argument. It’s the whole point of this story, and… My mom… It was… It was about the dumbest thing. It was the most inane, innocuous… The argument wasn’t… It wasn’t the best way to set up the Roku. Yeah. Yep. It was the best way to find out how to set up the Roku. That’s what the fucking argument was. That’s how it started. It was nothing. And then it so quickly got out of hand. It was crazy. And it was so quickly not about that, and my mom and I were arguing. We’re a very demonstrative, argumentative, loud family. We cuss and everything. And my mom and I start getting into it… And there’s other people, too. It’s not just my family. There’s other guests there. It’s super awkward. And my mom and I are going at it. We are arguing, back and forth, pointing. It’s getting heated. When you are arguing like that, especially with a family member, and there’s no editor. There’s no filter. You’re saying stuff back and forth. It’s all emotional. And occasionally, in those moments, you will learn something about the other person that you never knew before. And when you find that thing out, it changes the dynamic in your relationship forever. That’s what happened. My mom and I are going at it. It’s getting heated. Yelling, screaming… It’s loud and it’s really awkward. And in the middle of this, we find out that my mom… cannot take a punch. Yeah. True story. True story. But this is, uh… When I was back in Atlanta, at the airport… And this is totally for real. When I was there, I saw that they have a luggage store, a Tumi, T-U-M-I, luggage store inside the airport. It’s… it’s inside… the airport. I mean, ostensibly, the last place you would ever need to purchase luggage, you know? It’d make a bit more sense if it was by the curbside check-in or maybe by the ticket counter or maybe by the security gate there, you know, on the off chance that there are enough people to support a business who are waking up late, going, “Oh, no, I overslept and I gotta get to the airport. Better not take two minutes to throw all this in a suitcase. I’ll just gather it in my hands, and get my lotions, Claritin, nasal spray and gluten-free nuts, and Us Weeklys, and iPod, and belt, inflatable neck pillow and… Taxi! Going to the airport! Yeah, okay, hi. All right. Just throw all that on. Sorry. Run it through. I dropped some of that stuff. I think… Sorry, that’s my belt. What? ‘Cause I’m gonna get a suitcase on the inside. Yeah, all good. Yeah. ‘Cause they sell them on the inside, asshole. What the fuck is with this guy? Fucking attitude.” No, you don’t get to do that. You’re not allowed to do that. You know… So, I guess that there are… enough people who are, you know, checked in, and they’re heading to their gate, and they’re like… “What? What? Oh, my God. That is the most amazing suitcase I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve got to have that right now. I’ve gotta… Just go on without me! I… Sir, yes, I wanna get that suitcase there, the… No, not the carry-on. I can get that anywhere. The large suitcase. Yes… um… How’s this gonna work? ‘Cause I’m already… I’m checked in, and… So I guess I’ll buy it and then I’ll go back out, and I’ll ask them to hold the plane, pull my luggage, and I could change it… No, I have to buy another ticket and I’ll meet those guys… No, this isn’t gonna work. Come on. There is a way. I know I can figure it out. Come on, David. Think. Oh, I know what! I’m going to be back here in two weeks on my way home. So, let me pay for it now. Here’s my card. There’s probably a 300% markup, and there’s at least half a dozen places to get a suitcase within a mile of my apartment, but this way, I’ll get it, and then I’ll have it, and then… Oh, my God. Yeah, all right. Yeah. Good. Good stuff.” All right. And now, here’s a question. Um… You know all those vape stores and vape lounges? What do you think they’re gonna be when they go out of business next year? Hmm… Hoverboard shops? Probably Hoverboard shops. Those will last, yeah. And I really don’t get the appeal of that e-tobacco shit, ’cause I smoked for years and years and I don’t ever recall going… “Yeah, that’s okay. But… I wish it tasted like a Cinnabon. Oh, well. I guess, until technology catches up with my desires… I’ll just have to keep dipping it in Air Wick and… rolling it in Pillsbury frosting to… get my vape on.” So, here’s a little New York anecdote for you. I was actually out, working on this material for this set, and I was hitting a bunch of clubs. And I was coming out of this club in the East Village in New York, and I was gonna head to the subway, go home, and, right as I exit… right as I open the door and come out on the street, a guy goes barreling past me. He’s going, “Motherfucking piece of shit, fucking cocksucker, motherfucking cunt, fucking bitch, piece of shit,” which is not an uncommon thing in New York. But what was interesting was, right away, I could see that, visually, he wasn’t the typical homeless guy or mentally-ill homeless guy you attribute that behavior to. I mean, he looked… He was dressed nicely, I guess, is what I’m saying. Which I know is relative, ’cause, you know, I think I’m doing pretty good right now, but… But he was in a suit is what I’m saying. He was in a suit and he had electronics, and he looked like a businessman guy, and he was definitely not on the phone. We’re walking in the same direction. And, you know, he’s a white guy. “Motherfuckin’ piece of shit, cocksuckin’ son of a bitch. Fuck it, yeah. Okay. Hi, Hitler! Hi, Hitler!” And… I was like… “Did he say, ‘Hi, Hitler’?” And… he crossed the street, so… I crossed the street to follow him. “Motherfuckin’, cocksuckin’ son of a bitch, fuckin’ cunt, fuckin’ stupid bitch, yeah. Okay. Hi, Hitler! Hi, Hitler!” And he is, in fact, saying, “Hi, Hitler.” That is what he was saying. Which means one of two things. Either… He was… He clearly had this upsetting experience and he’s venting, and, in the middle of venting, he sees Hitler down the street… so he stops to say hi… be a nice neighbor. Either that, or… this grown man… has lived his entire life… thinking the phrase is “Hi, Hitler.” That the German people… who speak fluent German, FYI, they… Yeah. The German people chose one word of English to use… and that word was a salutation. And that, with all the available archival news reels, and film footage, and fictionalized versions of Hitler’s life, and all the footage of him giving speeches to the hundreds of thousands of people, the citizens and the soldiers, the Luftwaffe, the SS, that in the greatest example of the collective unconscious ever recorded, that all these people would… simultaneously… without consulting one another… suddenly say, “Hi, Hitler!” “Hi, Hitler! It’s me, Joseph, from Hamburg. We met at the patisserie. I don’t… Sorry, guys, I’m trying to say hi. Hi… What? Everybody’s doing it. What is happening? Can you guys give me… Hi, Hitler… What is happening with you people? I’m just… Hi… What is happening?” I’ll take it. So, I was jerking off this morning… Oh. Usually gets a standing ovation, but all right. Whatever. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. To the Statue of Liberty. And… Because I love America. Oh, I love America, y’all. Whenever I see the Statue of Liberty or think of the Statue of Liberty, I immediately get a hard-on, and I got to rub one out… as a way to show my patriotism… or patriot-jism. – No. No. No. No. Absolutely not. That does not leave this room. We’re gonna cut it out of the special. Never happened. Never occurred. I will fucking deny it. You never… No, but I was thinking about the poem on the base of the Statue of Liberty, which reads, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse from your teeming shores. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me: I lift my lamp beside the golden door.” And you know what I was thinking? What a beautiful, optimistic… humane ideal to have. And… one that’s quite literally the opposite of what Republicans believe. Literally… the opposite of what their candidate’s platform is. And I can’t… How… What is the cognitive dissonance for those people? I mean, how did the two things… You know, the Statue of Liberty is easily the most iconic symbol of freedom in the entire world, and it’s exactly the opposite of what they… Their heads must explode. I don’t know how they deal with it. And, you know, it’s gonna be awkward for whoever the Republican candidate is. Trump, please. Please. Please. Please. Because, you know… they’re gonna have to take that photo op in front of the poem, and it’s gonna be awkward for them, and… I do have some empathy for them. And I know it’s a little unfair to have empathy for a person who, that’s literally the one trait they lack. And… Because, well… But that’s what’s… Let’s be honest. That’s what makes America weak, is empathy. When we care about those less fortunate than ourselves, that’s what’s bringing us down. It’s that kind of… altruistic attitude that weakens us as a nation. Sure. Sure. Ask Ayn Rand. She’ll tell you. Ask Ayn Rand. I believe you can still find her ghost haunting the same public housing she died in while on Social Security and Medicare. Public housing, on Social Security and Medicare. Oh! That is what we call in the business, a real hypocritical cunt. That’s what we call it. That’s what that is. But regardless… it is going to be awkward for them to do that photo op in front of the poem, and… You know what it is? You know what? I bet they don’t even know about the poem, you know… ’cause it’s a poem… and poems are for fags. What? That liberal arts, feminist women’s studies… No, thank you. But it’s gonna be weird. They’re gonna find out on the way there. “What? No kidding. I had no idea. Where is it? Over here? Is it a limerick? Oh, I love limericks. Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Oh, look at that. Huh? Wait, what? ‘Wretched refuse’? What? Nobody likes wretched refuse. Is this a joke? Who put this here? Was it Carter? It was probably Carter, right? Yeah. All right. Yeah. Go build another house for a homeless family, loser. Give me the etching acid and we’ll get this back up to speed. Know what? This is gonna take too long. Just add ‘non-brown’ in parenthesis before everything. That’ll get us back up to speed on where we are in 2016. Yeah.” These are exciting times. They’re exciting times. And, you know, it’s so interesting to me how faux mystified everybody is at Donald Trump‘s rise, his ascension. And it’s no mystery to me. This is no mystery at all, you know. I mean, at least 25% of this country has always been ignorant, racist xenophobes who are easily appealed to on an emotional level. That’s it. That’s always been the case. That’s it. They didn’t just pop up once Obama was elected. All this bullshit American exceptionalism just didn’t turn sour like Siggi’s. And it’s great to watch, entertaining, too, to watch the Republican Party and the right-wing media try to retroactively undo what they have been creating for the last 35 years. You know, but it’s too late. It’s too late. That’s America’s id. It’s out of the bottle. They’re trying to tamp it back in, like, “Get that thing… ” But it’s out there and it’s fucking rampaging all over America. And, you know, you can’t spend every single day for seven and a half fucking years telling these people that your president is a Communist Muslim from Kenya who hates America and wants to destroy it, and not expect this result. What the fuck? Of course people are pissed off. Yeah. And everybody’s like, “What’s his appeal? I don’t get it.” Well, look, I… The reason I think so many people like to go to Donald Trump gatherings is because it allows them the opportunity to finally go to a white-power rally without all the guilt, you know? And you can say what you want about Donald Trump. Personally, I think he’s Klan-tastic. I really do. And… “‘Cause he’s just tellin’ it like it is. That’s what I love about Donald Trump, son. He’s a man who’s up there tellin’ it like it is, okay? All right? He… All that stuff we supposed to say behind closed doors, he’s sayin’ it out loud. Now we can, too! Yeah. He ain’t gonna put up with this PC nonsense, okay? He’s gonna stand up to them PC bullies, all right? ‘Cause this PC, it’s gotten out of control. It is really crazy. I can’t say certain things without hurtin’ somebody’s feelings, okay? And have my First Amendment rights trampled all over, okay? This PC nonsense has gotten out of hand. It’s crazy that, in the year 2016, I can’t call a thug a nigger without being called a racist. What? What happened? Come on. And those people callin’ me racist are hateful and intolerant. They’re intolerant of my intolerance and that makes them the hypocrites. Yeah. He’s tellin’ it like it is ’cause he wants to take us back, he wants to make America great again. Take us back, Donald. Back to when America was great. Back before a black man could become president. Even further, back to when it was great before the Civil Rights Act. That’s when everything went off the rails. Look what happens now. You got Beyoncé puttin’ a beret on her vagina, marchin’ up and down the Super Bowl, the holiest day of the American year. Good Lord! Yeah. He’s just like me. That’s what I love about Donald Trump. He’s just like me. Born and raised in New York City. Inherited $200 million the day I was born. Yep, he’s just like me in every way possible except in any way possible. Yep.” And, here’s the thing, Donald Trump… Donald Trump said that he loves the poorly educated because he appeals to the poorly educated. His words, not mine. Although, they’re mine also. They are mine as well. But… of course he does. Who else… How else can an ostentatious billionaire who fucking writes his name in gold over everything he owns, who brags constantly about how much money he has… He has billions of dollars. Who else could get people who are struggling financially to give him money happily? That is fucking genius. That’s… That is a genius we haven’t seen in a long time. And they’re happy to do it. They love it. Here’s the thing, he’s playing these people for suckers. He doesn’t give a shit about them. He is openly contemptuous of these people. He would walk over them in front of Trump Plaza. They’re not getting within five miles of Mar-a-Iago or any of his golf courses, unless they’re bringing the dessert cart. They’re not… I mean, can you imagine the size of the Purell bottle on his private jet that he fucking wallows in after meeting people? He doesn’t like those people. He’s about himself. He’s about his brand. When you listen to his words… ‘Cause he has nothing of substance. You go to his policy page. I’ve been on it. It’s fantasy. It’s garbage. It’ll never work. There’s nothing there. It’s impractical. It’ll never happen. It’s fantasy. Donald Trump, if you listen to his words, sounds like a character in a war movie who is comforting his buddy who… doesn’t understand that the bottom half of him has been exploded off, and he’s only got seconds to die. He’s like, “Everything’s gonna be all right?” “It’s gonna be great, phenomenal. You’re gonna love it. It’s gonna be fantastic. Oh, my God. It’s gonna get… “ “And we’re gonna win, right?” “So hard, it’s gonna make their head spin. Believe me. I know a guy who can make it work. You got nothing to worry about. Just trust me on this.” “And we’ll keep the Mexicans out, right?” “Yeah. I’m gonna build a wall. It’s gonna be 30-feet high, a huge wall. You’re gonna love it. Just for you. Don’t worry how. Nobody builds walls like me. I mean, I’m the best wall-builder.” And here’s the thing, you know the guy who is dying in Donald’s arms? That’s the American intellect. But! But, but, maybe it’s not Donald J. Trump. Maybe it’s Ted Cruz. One of your boys, huh? Yeah, he’s one of your guys. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Ted Cruz is a whole other kettle of shitty fish. Ted Cruz is a man who thinks that God only made one mistake, and that is when he created the clitoris. “What… What’s it there for? Makes no sense. I don’t get it. That thing’s just causing me nothing but trouble. Don’t want it.” This is what I imagine has happened behind Ted Cruz’s back, almost on a weekly basis, starting from the age of five up until maybe last week, is this conversation, “Oh, no.” “What’s wrong, buddy?” “Man, Ted Cruz found out about the party.” “Oh, fuck! No! That guy? Ugh! What do we do? Do we cancel? I think we gotta cancel. Nobody wants that smug asshole around. Yeah.” No. But I… I was jerking off this morning… to the latest gun deaths. ‘Cause I love America. I already said it, I love America. And whenever I read about yet another random, senseless, yet completely avoidable gun death, you know, it gets me hard. ‘Cause I’m a patriot, you know. Is there anything more American than standing firm and resolute in the face of rational thought? I think not. That is American exceptionalism. We do it better than any country. And let me preface… let me preface this next chunk by qualifying what I’m about to say, and that is that I’m pro-gun-control. I’m pro-sensible-safety-measures, okay? I’m not one of these I-wanna-take-all-your-guns-away people. You know why? Because those people don’t exist. Nobody’s fucking saying that. Nobody is saying that. That’s a specious, red herring, bullshit argument the NRA props up. No! Fuck. You wanna hunt? Go hunt. Great. You wanna take your handguns down to the gun range and shoot pretend paper Muslims? Knock yourselves out. That’s great. I don’t give a shit. Good on you. That’s great. I’ve shot guns before, a bunch of times. It’s fucking fun. It’s a fun feeling. I do like it. It’s fun. I’m just talking about sensible… what, to me, are just obvious measures. Like an ID, your thumbprint ID unlocks your gun. That’s a safety measure. The same kind of safety measure we use to unlock our fucking cell phones, maybe we can apply to an instrument of death. How does that impinge on your Second Amendment rights? It doesn’t. Shut the fuck up. It does not. Seriously, why can’t we have that? ‘Cause if we did, maybe we wouldn’t have to read about yet another 12-year-old boy who accidentally shot his eight-year-old son. Come on, Texas, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know what I’m talking about. Seriously, things that make sense to me, like trying, at least, to close the gun show loophole. You shouldn’t be able to buy a modded-out assault rifle from the trunk of a car from behind a Denny’s from a guy who got it off Craigslist from a guy who walked into Walmart and got it. That doesn’t make any sense. You shouldn’t… We should just make it a little bit more difficult for people with known violent tendencies to be able to get a gun. And I’m not talking about the cops. No. Not talking about the cops. I’m… I’m saying, let’s make it a little bit more difficult for mentally unstable people with known violent tendencies to be able to get a… And again, I’m not talking about the cops. If you can go on their Facebook page and see that this guy is a virulent racist, right? Make it a little more difficult for virulent racists, who are mentally unstable with known violent tendencies, to be able to get… And again, I’m not talking about the cops. Or am I? Hmm. No. I think we can all agree that blue lives murder. – Now… Not all of them, not most of them, but a bunch of ’em murder. They’re murdering us. Well, not us. We’re white, but… You know who doesn’t like that bit? Cops. They don’t like it. They don’t like it. And I think it’s important… I’m being sincere. I think it’s important that we acknowledge, all of us, that there are plenty of good, decent, ethical, very brave cops, who put their lives on the line every day, and they don’t appreciate… Sure. And though… They don’t appreciate being painted with this broad brush as being violent predators just because of the actions of a minority of their brothers. They don’t like being stereotyped so that when you see blue, you just think, “Oh, violent thug.” They don’t appreciate it. I think I made my point. And after every mass shooting… There was another one today in Ohio. Eight people. Same thing always happens. Always. News media will trot out the victims’ relatives on TV, and whoever it is, the mother, the father, the grieving son or daughter, husband and wife, sister, brother, whoever, same thing always happens. They start crying, and they all say the same thing “How many more innocent people have to be shot to death before we do something in this country?” And, you know, it’s a valid question, and it deserves an answer. So, I crunched the numbers… and it turns out… 1,776 more people have to die before we do something about it. But there’s a caveat. It’s not cumulative. Has to be all at once. Has to be all at once. This is America. Go big or go home, right? That’s how we do. All right? Yeah. What, Sandy Hook? Twenty kids and six teachers? Didn’t do anything. Fuck that. Had the reverse effect. No, no, no, it’s gotta be big, big, big. And if you’re like-minded, you wanna see gun safety enacted, then what I suggest is we hire somebody to shoot 1,776 people, but we justify it the same way we justified dropping an atomic bomb on Hiroshima and then, three days later, dropping another one on Nagasaki. Yes, we killed 130,000 innocent people. Civilians, not soldiers, yes. But we did it for the greater good, ’cause by doing that, perhaps we got the war to end sooner. And maybe we saved 200,000 lives, half a million lives, a million lives. See? It was for the greater good. So that’s what I’m saying. We pay somebody to go to the next big event. Uh… Kentucky Derby? Kentucky Derby. Let’s say Kentucky Derby. No great loss, really. Maybe some cool hats, but outside of that… We pay somebody to go in Bane-style and take them all. Preferably a white guy. It’s gotta be or it’s gonna set the whole cause back, like, 40 years. And here’s the thing. If we didn’t do anything as a country after Sandy Hook… Twenty kids and six teachers? Had the reverse effect. Donations to the NRA tripled. Gun sales tripled after that. Then we’re fucked. We are fucked, all right? And after Sandy Hook, Wayne LaPierre, the Executive Vice President of the NRA, went on television and had a press conference, and he said the solution was to arm the teachers. That’s what he… Well, see, I get that a lot. You’re thinking emotionally. You’re not thinking intellectually. ‘Cause if you think intellectually, it makes more sense when you think about the temperament and the personality that makes up the kind of person who willfully takes the most thankless job in America for very little money, where the sole satisfaction is to create a good, decent, creative, inquisitive, ethical, moral person and put him out in the world, and potentially shoot them later. Because… that’s what teachers love to do. There are two things teachers love. They love to teach and they love to shoot. Oh, they love shooting. Oh, don’t let them fool you. They love shooting. “All right, class, so when we last left off, we were talking about homonyms, and a homonym, and… Forgive me, this isn’t my normal writing hand. But… All right. A homonym is a word that sounds the same, but it’s spelled differently… Cody? Cody, open up your mouth. Is that gum in your mouth? Is it? Mmm, it is, isn’t it? Yeah. And did you bring enough for the entire class? Did you bring enough for the entire class? Now, get up here! Get up here! Get up here! That’s right. I want that gum, Cody. Uh-uh. No, no. Don’t spit it out in your hand. I want you to put it on the barrel of the gun… with your mouth. Use your mouth. And then I want… Aw. shit. All right. Go to the principal’s office and have him call your mom, bring you a change of pants.All right. Ah, best teacher’s aide ever.” No, that doesn’t make any sense. “Arm the teachers.” That’s not gonna do anything. There were armed guards at Columbine. No, you wanna ensure safety and security, you have to arm the students, all right? Every student gets a gun. Every student gets a gun in my America. I know what you’re thinking. “David, at Sandy Hook, they were first graders. They were five, six years old. They can’t handle a Bushmaster. The recoil will take their arm off.” Right. That’s why we give them those Smith & Wesson lady guns. Those little fun guns for ladies. Maybe they wing the shooter, buy some time. That’s when the second and third graders are the ones who come and go, “Freeze, motherfuck… “ You know, that’s how… that’s how it’ll work. Yeah. And, you know, currently… there are only 282 Congressmen and 33 governors and, of course, some state legislators who are beholden to the NRA. You know, they’re venal, craven people and they won’t even allow a bill to come to the floor. They knock it down each time. That’s not a lot of people for a country of over 320 million people. They won’t even allow the bill to come to the floor for a vote. No. No. No. NRA says, “No, not gonna happen.” I wonder what would happen if… Say whoever the NRA’s highest-rated Congressman was… You know, 100% rating, five golden smiley bullets, whatever the fuck it is… What would happen if they were at work, and it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day, and some crazy motherfucker came in, Kevlar vest, armed to the teeth, modded-out AK-47, Bushmasters, Glocks, magazines that had steel-jacketed, hollow-point, armor-piercing bullets, came in, all stuff he got off of the Internet three days ago, and came in, took out security, got on the floor, took out nine, ten, 11, 12 people before he was shot to death, and one of them… was the Congressman’s daughter? And I wonder what would happen or what he would think as he’s sitting there, cradling his dying daughter in his hands and her body is riddled with bullets, her spine is pierced, and her… She’s drowning in her own fluid ’cause her lung is pierced, and he could see all the bullet holes and the deep, dark, sticky blood that’s pulsing out. It’s spurting up, but it’s getting weaker and weaker with each breath. And this beautiful girl… well, beautiful on the inside, I guess, but beautiful girl… is looking up and she’s trying to say, “Daddy, what happened? What happened?” But she can’t ’cause her larynx is sliced, so all that’s coming out is a wet gurgle-y wheeze, and he can literally see the light leaving her eyes as she dies in his arms. And I wonder if he would think, “Oh, God. Small price to pay. Freedom isn’t free, honey. Freedom isn’t free. Put the body on the pile, and get that pile out of here. It’s making us look really bad right now. Wait, who’s on the phone? Oh, Jesus. Yes, hello. Hello, Mr. LaPierre. Yeah… No. No, sir. No, it will not happen again. She was my only child. Okay. You know where to wire the money. Okay, thank you.” Maybe. Maybe he might think that. Or… maybe he might think, “Oh, wow! Now that this tragedy has affected me personally, I can see how awful and wrong it was.” I don’t know. One of the two. One of the two things… Tough to tell. Tough to tell. Who knows? And another thing people often say is, “You know, why do we… In this country, why do we allow so many of our innocent kids to be shot to death? Why do we allow that as a country?” Why do… Well, not “us.” God. “Why does God… ” We have no control over the situation. It’s in God’s hands. “Why does God… allow so many of our innocent kids to be shot to death and… You know, they’d… I mean… I know he has mysterious ways, y’all, but how do… What is he thinking? What are you thinking, God? Taking all… And I’m not questioning you ’cause I know you have your mysterious ways and you’re omnipotent and all-wise, but it seems like you’re taking an awful lot of our children. What is the thinking behind it? I just… “ It… it is… That’s something that a lot of people ask. Why is God… allowing so many of our innocent kids to be shot to death? And… I have a possible answer… and you’re not going to like it. But maybe… Maybe God is allowing so many of our kids to be shot to death so that they can go to heaven where they then service the ISIS terrorists and suicide bombers as part of the 72 virgins they’re rewarded with. It’s a possibility. I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in any of that stuff, but I’m sure there’s some Muslims here, some Christians. Y’all argue amongst yourselves. Figure it out. I mean, keep arguing amongst yourselves, for another 1,400 years or so. You’ll be able to get it, I’m sure. Soon. Any minute now. For those of you still here… It’s… This happens… I’ve been doing this a lot. This is the, I don’t know, 65th show? I have no idea. And people get upset and leave every single show and… I don’t know… I think what happens is… It’s so weird to me, you know, that in… in 2016, at this point, I have, literally, eight-plus hours of my stand-up – available to peruse, check out… Maybe see if we’re on the same page about what subject matters I might broach. Seriously. I think there are a lot of people like, “Oh, hey, Tobias is in town. I didn’t know he told jokes. What’s he gonna do? Just fucking dress up in blue and fall down on the stage? Say some spoonerisms, some malaprops for an hour?” “I didn’t come down there to listen to my God being made fun of. Okay. And my God is a frail God, and is very thin-skinned and sensitive. I feel like I have to defend him. Some atheist Jew up there talking about… I’m sorry, you can’t be an atheist. If you a Jew, you a Jew, okay? Making fun of my God.” And look, let me say that I know that religion can do wonderful things, is responsible for wonderful, magnanimous, charitable deeds, can lift people from the gutter, from these horrible lives, and give them purpose and meaning. I know that. I see it all around me. But I also know, unarguably, that religion is responsible for awful, heinous, vile, vicious, murderous things, as well. I know that. And I know that hundreds of millions of people have died over the years because the selective interpretations of the fever dream of scientifically-ignorant illiterates who were told by their god, lord, messiah or prophet to go kill this guy ’cause he has a different god, lord, messiah, prophet or saw “a sign” from God because a pigeon landed on a fucking pig’s carcass, and he was like, “What does that mean? What? Pigeon, what are you trying to tell me? I should kill the Jews? Kill all the Jews? Or is it the Muslims? They both… Which is it? Pigeon, don’t fly away. There’s millions of lives at stake. Pigeon! Who do I kill? Kill them all. Let God sort them out. Got it, got it. Understood.” But, you know, as an atheist, I would love to see peace on Earth, world peace, via religions. I’d love to see the religions of the world come together and do the thing that they purport to truly want to do. We keep hearing about it all the time, right around Christmas, Ramadan, Hanukkah… “Oh, they want world peace.” Well, make it happen. Jesus. And… Here is an idea. I’ve had an idea for how to maybe make it happen. What we do is we get all the world’s religious leaders all together, right? We get the pope and all of his archbishops, and the people who in-fight in the Catholic Church, get the Roman Orthodox and the Greek Orthodox and the Church of England, and get them together with the rebbes and rabbis from the different sects in Judaism or ultra-Orthodox Judaism and the Haredi, and get them with the Muslim clerics and the imams the Sunni, the Shī’a and the Wahhabis, and get them with Methodist ministers and Baptist preachers, and get them all together for this, like, Davos, G7-style summit, right? Put ’em all in the same room and they can’t leave for five days. They all have to be together, right? And it… You know, we’ll make it fun. We’ll screen The Revenant at eight o’clock. Whatever, it’ll be great. But… they have to sit there. For five days, they can’t leave, and all be with each other, and then maybe they can start to see each other… as human beings and, maybe instead of focusing on their differences, they can focus on what makes them the same. Their shared values… raping children. And then maybe they’ll come together and they’ll see each other as brothers, kindred spirits, and offer tips on how to best rape children, cover up the crimes and then shame the victims. And then… Maybe then we’ll have peace on Earth. Yeah, all right. Great. Great. Fantastic. But maybe we’ll have a little bit less of that kind of behavior in the Catholic Church… now that we got a cool pope, right? We got a cool pope. The pope is cool. Yeah! He’s a cool pope! He tweets. The pope has a Twitter account. He’s a cool pope. I can’t turn on the news without hearing about how cool this pope is. Rolling Stone magazine, “The coolest pope of all time.” Yeah, he’s a cool pope. He’s totally cool. He’s still… He’s a badass. He’s a real badass, cool guy. He’s a cool pope. ♪ Cool pope Cool pope! ♪ He’s a cool pope. He’s a cool pope. Well, let me remind you, uh… Let me just remind you that the bar for being a cool pope… could not be lower… if it were lying at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Keep that in mind, madam. Yeah. All you have to do to be a cool pope is just be a little bit less of an unrepentant, sexist, homophobe hypocrite. That’s all. Little bit less. Um… I’m sorry. I have really digressed here. Seriously. I apologize. I was talking about gun control. Yes. I want to get back to that idea of that kind of staunch obstinance I referred to earlier. The… It’s a very American thing. I’m not just talking about the Second Amendment. It’s anything, and I think it’s something that we all share. I’m not being facetious here. I’m being serious. Especially as I travel abroad. And I think it’s that thing that we all share that personality. It’s woven into the fabric of this country and has been since its inception. And it’s that feeling… What it means to be American at its core, which is the idea, when it comes to government, of “Leave me alone.” All right? I mean, fuck it, this is Texas, for fuck’s sake. I mean, you guys are the kings of “leave me alone.” Jesus Christ, you threaten to secede when you fucking don’t get a minor bill passed. Of all the states… “We don’t want to give poor people health care. Fuck you. We’re gonna be our own country.” Yeah. “Leave me alone. Don’t tell me what to do. I don’t want the government to tell me what to do. Okay, I don’t want liberals to tell me what to do. I don’t want the Republican establishment to tell me what to do. I don’t want mass media to tell me what to do. I don’t want the banks to tell me what to do. I don’t want the IRS to tell me what to do. I don’t want the FBI to tell me what to do. I don’t want the ATF to tell me what to do. I don’t want the DEA to tell me what to do. Okay? I don’t want Washington insiders to tell me what to do. I don’t want New York elites to tell me what to do. I don’t want Hollywood to tell me what to do. I don’t want f*ggots to tell me what to do. I don’t want Hollywood f*ggots from New York to tell me what to do. I don’t want blacks to try to tell me what to do. I don’t want Jews to tell me what to do. I don’t want atheist hippies to tell me what to do. I don’t want children to tell me what to do. I don’t want the Internet to tell me what to do. I don’t want Neighborhood Watch programs to tell me what to do. I don’t want nutritional information labels to tell me what to do. I don’t want instructions on fancy Japanese urinals I can’t figure out how to operate to tell me what to do. I don’t want Area 51 guards to tell me what to do. I don’t want my hallucinations to tell me what to do. No, sir. Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm. There’s only… There’s only one group of people… There’s only one group of people… Come on now. Come on. There’s only one group of people… Come on. There’s only one group of people that can tell me what to do. Okay, only one group of people I’ll listen to. And that’s the Founding Fathers. They’s the only group. And I’m… I’m so sorry. My heart is so heavy, y’all. When I think about what we done to this country, and what the Founding Fathers would think of us, I kneel in shame. I’m so sorry, Founding Fathers. Y’all must be up in heaven, spinning in y’all’s graves. I know it. I know it. I’m so sorry. What we… They’d be so upset. They’d be so upset with us. The Founding Fathers would be so upset with us.” That is my all-time favorite inane, hypothetical, waste-of-time argument that people actually engage in. They actually… On TV, they get paid, the left and the right, have a serious debate about what the Founding Fathers would think about whatever the thing is. “I think the Founding Fathers would be furious.” “I disagree. I think they’d be proud.” I was like, “What a waste of fucking time that is.” It was 240 years ago. These people couldn’t conceive of Oregon, all right? What a monumental waste of time. Stupid thing. And even if you could bring ’em back, just for a second… First of all, they’re never gonna stay back. They’d wake up and have a massive coronary on the spot. They’d look around going, “Whoa!” And have a massive coronary. They’d die and we’d go, “Wait,” and bring ’em back. “No, wait, wait a sec.” It’d just be over and over again. It’d be like watching Battlestar Galactica on fast forward. And… even if you could bring ’em back to engage them in this… And they would freak… You know, forget about cell phones and cars and neon lights and electricity and asphalt and space flight and 3D and television. You know, fucking cotton candy would’ve blown their mind. “Hmm… Pray thee, what is this devil’s filament you’ve given me? It’s… sweet to the taste. It disappears instantly. I don’t… And there’s a color that cannot be found in nature. What is this, pray thee?” “Oh, we made it in that machine.” “What’s a machine? What’s a machine? Oh, my God!” What a… what a dumb… Dude, it’s ridiculous. I mean, think of the analogous situation to us. Let’s just imagine we all go to sleep, and we wake up and it’s 240 years later, and whatever the technological advances that have occurred in 240 years. And you wake up… You’re not even aware that you were dead. And the first thing is a bunch of people going, “Can you believe that Madam President bin Laden is talking about giving next gen synths the right to represent their moon pods in the Underwater Congress?” “What the… fuck did you just say? That… made no sense at all.” You know. All right. All right. Listen, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want… I have a very, very special impression that I’d like to do for you. Okay? I do one every six years. Now’s the time. This is my impression of Matthew McConaughey accepting the Best Actor Oscar in the year 2042. “All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right… all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right…” All right, thank you guys so much. Thank you. I’ll see y’all. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. “‘The world as we created it is a result of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.’ Clashing with authorities as a child and writing that the spirit of learning and creative thought was lost in strict rote and repetitive teaching, Albert Einstein went on to challenge conventional wisdom and redefine many of the sacred scientific theories developed and embraced. His great intellectual achievements and originality have made the name Einstein synonymous with genius. And that is the philosophy we embraced to imagine our new tableware collection.” “Beginning with a quest to develop the perfect plate. Now… we are not trying to claim that our new tableware collection can be compared to Einstein’s theory of relativity… but we do believe that, like the bending of light, with a change of thinking, one can reimagine almost anything… even a plate. Then again, it’s all relative. Thank you for teaching us that, Albert. Carpe diem.” “Carpe diem.” Are you… “Seize the day… with our new tableware collection. Until you’ve purchased a Restoration Hardware plate, your day is hardly seized, madam.” “Carpe diem. Gary Friedman, Chairman Emeritus, Creator and Curator.” And total tool. Restoration Hardware. All right, thanks, you guys. This was fun. Wait, let me take a… I gotta take a picture. Gotta take a picture. Bring up the lights. Thank you so much, man. Had a great time. Thank you. Sorry for being offensive. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-son-of-patricia-transcript/ | Trevor Noah: Son of Patricia (2018) – Transcript | trevor noah | A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL [distant traffic] LIVE NATION PRESENTS TREVOR NOAH [presenter] Beautiful people, put your hands together for Trevor Noah. [shouting and whooping] [hip hop intro music] [applause] What’s going on, Los Angeles? [louder cheering] Welcome to the show. Thank you for coming out. Thank you for being here. This is so much fun. Welcome out. Oh, look at all of you. This is so dope. I love LA. I love everything about LA. Even the things people hate about LA, I love. I love the traffic in LA. It’s like one of my favorite experiences. Yeah, when you don’t live here, it’s great. It’s wonderful. Because you get to be a part of it, but it’s not yours forever. It’s like another person’s child, you know what I’m saying? Yeah, you get to be like, “This is crazy. Have it back.” -That’s what it feels like. [laughter] I love it, man. [indistinct shout] I love the vibe. You know? I love driving out here. You know. And while I’m out here, I get to listen to the radio, you guys have great radio stations because you’re always in your cars. In New York– Radio’s not a big thing for me living in New York. I ride my bicycle, walk the streets. I can’t listen to music because I’ll die. -Um… [laughter] But in LA, that’s all I do. I just listen to music. Now, these days when you’re driving, all you hear is trap music. That’s the big thing you hear, is trap. That’s the new music on the radio. It’s really fun. Trap. I don’t understand what they’re saying, but I enjoy it. [laughter] Every single song is the same. Every trap song to me sounds like a toddler complaining about life. That’s all I hear when I listen to trap songs. Every time a trap song plays on the radio, I think of my little brother, he’ll go outside and hurt himself. He’ll come back crying, it sounds like every single trap song ever. He’ll walk in like… [imitates child sobbing] I’ll be like, “Yo, Isaac, what happened?” [imitates sobbing] [sobbing nonsense in a trap style] [whoops] [sobbing nonsense in a trap style] [continued nonsense] And I’ll be like, “Yo, yo ,yo, dude, slow down.” [laughter and applause] I thought you were playing with your friends. What happened?” ♪ All my friends are dead ♪
♪ Push me to the edge ♪
♪ All my friends are dead now ♪
♪ Push me to the edge now ♪ [sings nonsense] “Go talk to your mom. I don’t know what you’re saying. Talk to your mom.” Ah… The City of Angels, I love every moment, man. I’m enjoying myself. I just got back from vacation. So I’m having a great time. You got that vacation swag, you’ve still got that thing. You know, you still feel loose. You feel relaxed. I went to Bali on vacation. [audience oohs] Out in Indonesia. Yeah, if you’ve never been, make a plan and get out there. It’s an amazing place. Uh, I went out with some of my friends, learned a few things about myself as a person. The most important thing I learned is somebody needs to invent a TripAdvisor specifically for black people. Right? No, because just generally, I find that what white people want to do on vacation, is what black people are trying to escape. [laughter] And not in a bad way. We just want different things out of life. Like my white friends are always inviting me camping, for instance. Always. With enthusiasm. Like, “Trevor wanna go camping, dude?” I’m like, “Why?” [rising laughter] I was like, “Dude. What do you mean, ‘Why?’ It’s amazing. Are you kidding me? No water, no electricity, you know? It’s just us and the great outdoors, you’ve got to take a dump in the hole in the floor or something, dude.” I’m like, “Yeah, that was my life. [laughter] That was me growing up. You know how hard I worked to never go camping again?” [applause] Every day! [whooping] Every day. Every day I wake up in my bed, and I’m like, “Thank God I’m not camping.” [laughter] If my family saw pictures of me camping, they would be devastated. If my grandmother saw me out in the woods, [crying] she’d be like, “What happened to Trevor? I thought he was successful. Oh! [imitates sobbing] It must be the crack.” Ah. [sobs] I won’t go camping. So, I went with my friends to Bali. They planned the trip. And uh, before we went, I asked my friend I was like, “Yo, Mitch, what are we going to be doing? He was like, “Don’t ask questions, Trevor. It’s just gonna be a great time.” I was like, “I want to know what the great time is going to be about.” He was like, “Dude, don’t ask questions.” -I should have asked questions. -[laughter] Because we had fun. But there were a few things that were weird that I wouldn’t necessarily do on my own. For instance, on the third day of the trip, we had what was planned, what was billed in our itinerary as an authentic Balinese experience. That’s what they called it, “an authentic Balinese experience.” What they did was, they woke us up at 5 a.m., put us in a little bus, and we drove for three hours. And when we got there, we get out of the bus, in the middle of what looks like a remote village, and a little tour guide, really happy, way too happy for that time, and he’s like “Welcome, everybody. Are you ready for a good time?” And I’m like, “Yeah.” And so he’s like, “My name is Dang Basaan and I’m going to be your guide. Today, you will have an authentic Balinese experience. So exciting! Follow me.” And so we follow him, and he walks up to a little door. and I’m like, “This is going to be like a temple or cave…” And he’s like, “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the real Bali.” and he opens the door, into somebody’s house. This is not a museum house, this is just a house. Someone lives there every single day. He opens the door and he’s like, “This is the home of someone in Bali. [rising laughter] He eats here. He sleeps here.” -I’m like, “Does he know we’re here?” [laughter] We didn’t knock. Nobody answered the door. For all I know, we’re breaking and entering right now. We’re in some weird Balinese gang. I don’t know how this works. And as I’m about to ask the question, he turned and he’s like, “Over here you can see the owner of the house. He’s in the corner.” We turn, and there’s a man. The whole time, just sitting there. Frozen stiff. And I’m like, “Is this guy part of this?” I don’t know if we should be doing this or should not be doing this?” And Dang Basaan turns to him, starts speaking in Balinese. He’s like… [pretends to speak Balinese] -“Okay, you can touch anything.” -[laughter] And so I’m like, “I don’t think we should–” Before I can even finish, the people in our tour group were like, “Yeah! Touch it all. [exaggerated voice] Oh my God. Touch it all. Oh my God, does he sleep here? Oh, wow. Is this where he eats? Oh, my God, I could never do this. Oh, my God. Excuse me. Thank you so much for having us. Oh, my God, I appreciate my life so much more right now. Thank you so much. This is horrible. Can we take a selfie? [laughter] Thank you. Are you on Instagram? I’ll just put hashtag “the man.” Thank you. Oh my God.” So I’m really awkward right now, Right, um… because this is like something culturally I’m not supposed to be doing. As an African person, I should not be in somebody’s house rummaging through their life. So I’m standing in the corner really uncomfortable. And the owner of the house is really accommodating, he’s friendly. You know. He’s like, “Yes, thank you. Enjoy. Enjoy. Thank you.” And then he turns and looks at me. And this was one of the most magical moments, right, because he was smiling at everyone else and his face completely changed when he turned. He was all hospitable, like, “Yes, thank you. Thank you.” [laughter] And with his eyes, he proceeded to have the most in-depth conversation with me that I’ve ever had. It’s not like the eyes conversation was new to me. You can have an eyes conversation with anyone you have a connection with. It could be somebody of the same race when you’re in public. Er, it could be like a husband and wife. Wives are good at having eyes conversations. They’ll like shit on you hard. You’ll be in public together, and you’ll say something off– You’ll be like, “If only she did that.” She’ll be like, “Hell no. I cannot believe you said–” But it’s just eyes. “I cannot believe you said all that. Wait until the next– You want to air our dirty laundry in public? You’ll see how this is going to end. You say this and enjoy this moment right now, because it’s over.” And you’re like, “I shouldn’t have done that.” All with eyes. Right? That’s what he did to me. Because one minute he’s smiling at everybody, and then he turns and looks at me. And with his eyes, he was like, “What are you doing here?” So with my eyes, I was like, “Hey man, I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was your house. They said it was an authentic experience. That’s why I came.” He was like, “Yeah, authentic for white people. You’ve got your own poor. Go back to where you came from.” [laughter] I was like, “Yeah, I shouldn’t be here, man. I’m sorry.” [low laughter] So I left. I go outside. About 15 minutes later, everyone’s done with their poverty porn, so they come and join me. [laughter] Um… Dang Basaan follows the crowd. And he’s having a blast. You can tell. He walks out and says, “Everyone have a great time? I know you enjoyed that. Now, it’s time for a special surprise. Follow me, everybody, to the back.” And he takes us to the back of the house, right. Where there’s this area they’ve laid out, where clearly they have some sort of performance. There’s a stage, there’s raked seating. He tells us to find our seats, so we all sit down. There’s people from all over the world in our tour group. Myself, my American friends, some British people. There’s a French family. A dad and his son. They sit next to me. So I sit in the front row. And Dang Basaan comes back out. And all of a sudden, he’s wearing a giant Balinese headdress. Looking really beautiful, you know. He looks at us and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for an authentic Balinese experience? Please welcome the snakes of Bali.” -I’m like, “The what?” -[laughter] I’m like, “Oh, he said snakes.” The snakes of Bali– And I look, and there’s snakes. There’s a group of men gathering snakes to bring out to us. And so I’m like, “Yeah, no. No, I don’t.” No, because you see as a black person, culturally, I’m trying to not die. So… I take all my stuff and start packing it. And the French guy turns to me and he’s like, [French accent] “My friend, where are you going? The show.” I said, “Yeah. No, the guy said there’s snakes coming, so I’m going to move. I’m gonna go to the back.” He said, “You are moving because of the snake?” I said, “Yeah.” He said, “Why are you moving for the snake, my friend? Are you afraid of a snake?” -I said, “Yeah. [laughter] That’s exactly what I am, afraid of the snakes.” He said, “Such a big man, but you are afraid of a snake?” I said, “Yeah with a big brain, that’s why I’m afraid.” It’s a snake. You’re not going to trick me into not being afraid of a snake. My toxic masculinity is not so high that I’ll be like, ” Yeah, you know what man, come on, Snakey. Come on.” [shouts] It’s a snake! Instead of just letting it go, this guy turns. He’s like, “I cannot believe it, a big man like this. Jean-Pierre–” He talks to his son. [makes up French words] And this kid’s like “ha, ha, ha!” [exaggerated] “Snake. Snake!” And he’s like, “Oui, oui, snake. Are you afraid? Snake. What is this? It’s a snake. Snake.” And these two carry on for like 15 seconds non-stop. Right. Just back and forth. “Snake, snake, snake,” the whole time. He’s like, “Snake. Are you scared? Snake.” I’m like, “Whatever man, you guys lost all your wars.” So I go to the back. -[Loud laughter] -Right. -I don’t have time for this. [whooping] I don’t have time for this, because there’s snakes. So, I go to the back, take all my stuff. I climb up and I’m sitting at the top, because I want to see the show, I just don’t want to be a part of it. So I’ve got my stuff. I move all the way up to the top. I sit there. As I get there, the show starts. And Dang Basaan’s really excited and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your first performer, the powerful Python.” And a dude comes out with a giant python wrapped around him. Alright. And this guy had this cool trick where the python would squeeze him really tight. Super tight. So tight, you could almost hear his bones cracking. Alright. And then he’d make a sound. He’d be like… -Eeh. [laughter] And the snake would let go. Then it’d start squeezing him again, and he’d be like… eeh. And the snake would let go. It would squeeze him again and he’d make the same sound, like… eeh And the snake would let go. I was like, “This is dope. This is cool. Yeah, we’re in a consensual relationship. I like this. This is uh…” So he leaves with the snake. The next performer comes out, and this guy had a green mamba with him, right? And so Dang Basaan is like, “Ladies and gentlemen, the green mamba.” This guy comes out and he had a cool trick where he took the lid off the basket the green mamba would come out and it would start doing a little move. And then someone would play music and then the snake charmer would dance with the snake. They’d do the same moves, like a Justin Timberlake video, just the two of them back and forth. I was like, “That was dope.” The snake goes back in. And then Dang Basaan came out one final time. He was like, “Now, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the final part of the show? Please welcome The King Cobra.” The final performer comes out with a cobra. Puts the snake down. Lifts the lid, snake comes out. And I don’t know what it was about the snake. But you could feel the energy change, like. They were all snakes, but this snake looked mean. You know? Like it looked like it hated life. There was something about it. This snake looked like it had a mortgage. [laughter] Because it looked at us, and then fixed its eyes on the charmer. He was really cool and calm. He didn’t even look at the snake. He addressed us. He was like “Ladies and gentlemen. They say the cobra can strike faster than the man can blink. But can a man move faster than the snake can think?” And I’m like oooh… -“I don’t know what that means, [laughter] but I’m in.” Because it sounds like a dumb Instagram quote, but I’m in. And this guy had the most amazing trick. What he did was he got right up close to the snake, and he put his hands behind his back. And then, he would make it seem like he was going to kiss the snake. And the snake will be no further than like a foot from his face. And then he would make this sound like a kissing sound. As he made the sound, the snake would try to bite him, and he moved away. I’ve never seen anything like it. But he leaned in, and he’s like, “Come on, snake.” [puckering sound] [kissing sound] [hisses] “Too slow, snakey. Try again. [puckering sound] [hisses] No love for you, my friend. Come on, snakey.” And all of us are enthralled. Every single one of us. No one’s making a sound, no one’s moving. And he does it over and over again. And then, to take it to the next level, he closes his eyes, pouts his lips, and I guess, at this point, the snake was probably like, “I think I figured this out. This dude’s going to make the sound and then he’s going to move. But if I bite before the sound, I can change everyone’s lives.” Because that’s exactly what the snake does. [surprised laughter] The guy closes his eyes, pouts his lips. Before he can make the sound, the snake strikes him. -Pa! Bam! [audience gasps] Hits him on the mouth. Right? Cuts his lip open, blood goes spraying everywhere. Now, that should be the end of the story, the craziest part of the story. No, this is the middle. [laughter] The snake hits him on the mouth. The blood goes spraying. This guy jumps back, and then acts like he didn’t just get bitten by a snake. Which makes us think we’re crazy, because we all saw it. Everyone in the audience was like [gasps] And then he jumps back, and he just shakes it off. You know what he did? He did that thing that people do when they get their hand jammed into a car door or something? Like it slammed, and there’s a [slam sound] And people will just be like mmm… He did that, but with a snake. So the snake hits him, the blood sprays, and he jumps back and he’s like mmm… [laughter] “Don’t worry. We’re fine. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. Everybody, we’re fine. Relax, relax, we are fine.” But we weren’t fine. You know, how we know this? Because his face started melting on the one side. Right? So his face starts melting, his lips start turning blue and he goes back to do his kiss trick again, but he can’t even stand and he looks at the snake. The snake looks at him, and he’s like “Okay, show is done. Goodnight everybody. Goodbye. “Goodbye.” He runs off. And all of us now are like, “What the hell just happened?” He runs off, I have questions in my head. Like is he going to be okay? Do we get our money back? How does this work? And then we turn back and we realize. He’s forgotten his snake. [surprised laughter] And you know what the worst thing was? It seemed like the snake realized the same thing at the same time. Because the snake also watched him leave and then as we turned back, the snake was also like, “Oh shit.” And so now, it’s just us, and the snake. And mind you, there’s no barrier, right. There’s no concrete. There’s no glass. There’s nothing. It’s an authentic Balinese experience. So we’re all staring at the snake. The snake is staring at us. And then, one genius decided now would be the perfect time to get an Instagram picture. And I don’t know if it was the camera, the sound, or the flash. All I heard was “click,” and the snake jumped up and was like… [hisses] And we were all like… arghhhh. And then it was chaos. Pandemonium ensued. Don’t forget, I was at the back. So I just jumped. I was like, “Being black saved me!”I [applause] I was out. [whooping] Panic ensued. Everyone jumps up, people are trying to scramble trampling over each other. The French guy was my favorite, he jumps up, and he was like, “Sacre bleu!” [speaking French] Le serpent, le serpent! [shouting] “Allez, Jean-Pierre, allez.” And he’s pushing the people and running. “Allez! Jean-Pierre. Jean-Pierre.” And when he turns, his son hasn’t moved, right? So, little Jean-Pierre is planted to the spot, terrified. And you see his face like, “Papa! Papa!” He was like, “Allez, Jean-Pierre. Mon ami.” Papa! Papa! And so the dad realizes he’s got to go back in and save his kid. But this is one of those moments where you can see the fundamental difference between mothers and fathers. Right? Because a mother would run in without thinking, and she would be like, “I will die for my child. Strike me now, snake.” Right, that’s moms. Dads will save their kid, but in the back of their head, they’re thinking, “I’m going to save my kid. But I don’t want to die. I mean– I don’t want to die because this dumbass didn’t know to run when his dad was running. I mean, there’s a snake and I start running, why wouldn’t you run at the same time? Now I’ve got to die for your dumb ass, which makes no sense, because I can make another one of you, you can’t make another one of me. I should just make you a brother and we can mourn your dumbass death together. I don’t know why we’re doing this right now.” I think that’s what the dad was thinking. Because he didn’t fully commit. Instead, he tried to sneak in behind his kid. Then he grabs the back of his hoodie and yanks him to safety. So now, little Jean-Pierre’s choking on the ground. [choking sounds] Papa! And he finally gets him to the side. Another snake charmer comes running out, grabs the snake, puts it in the sack, and finally danger is averted. Everybody’s safe. Everyone is safe but terrified. Some people are crying, others are in shock. I’m standing on the side, watching all of this. Little Jean-Pierre is with his dad, both in tears. “Desolé mon ami. Desolé Jean-Pierre” Papa! [makes up French sounds] And I don’t speak French, but I know this kid was like, “You asshole, you left me. I’m going to tell Mom.” [applause] And so, I’m staring at them, and I guess they could feel that I was staring. So they both stopped at the same time. And they turned and looked at me and I looked at them. And in that moment, in that moment I realized we’re all human beings. We all experienced the same thing, we went through the same trauma. No matter what happened to us before, we are all human beings. They looked at me, I could see in their eyes what they’d just experienced, what I experienced. And in that pause, I bent down, and I got real close to them and I was like, “Snake.” [whooping] [content sigh] [prolonged applause] That’s how racism starts. But you know what? It was worth it. Yeah, it was worth it. [exhales] I love traveling, man. I love traveling, learning about places. Reading things and meeting new people. I er… When I think about the history of racism– I’m fascinated by racism as a concept, you know, as an action, a policy… All of it fascinates me. I read these stories in history. And one of the most fascinating things I read about recently, one of the most fascinating places, was a place called, Rochester, New York. Where– Genuinely, this blew my mind, they had a city which was basically dedicated to rehabilitating people who had escaped slavery. So, black people who escaped the South, gone into the North, were rehabilitated at this place. Frederick Douglass wrote many of his works there. the suffragette movement kicked off there. It’s a powerful little place. I was reading these stories, and what they would do is, slaves would escape from the South, they’d make their way to the North. Get to Rochester, the Underground Railroad got them there. And then they would rehabilitate them, put them on boats, and send them to Canada so that they could live free. And I was like, “That’s a fascinating story,” for two reasons: one, it reminds you there were a lot of good people, white people, out there. I often get angry at white people then I’m like, “No, there’s good ones. Calm down.” Um… And the second part of it that was amazing was that they convinced black people to get back on boats. I think [applause] that’s one of the most amazing stories I’ve ever read. Because, do you know how convincing you’d have to be to convince someone who’s just escaped slavery? Think about that for a second. Somebody’s just escaped slavery. They’ve made their way there finally, they wake up after one night of free sleep, and they walk out and it’s just like, “Hey, man. I just want to say thank you so much for everything you did for me, man.” “You know what, my friend? Nobody deserves to live how you lived, and I’m glad we got you out.” “Thank you so much. I appreciate you, brother.” “Thank you, my friend. Okay, all we’ve got to do now is get you some paperwork, get you cleaned up, put you on a boat, get you to Canada, and you can live a free life. Everything will be better.” “I’m sorry. Hold up. Er… Yeah, could you– Come again? You? What did you say?” “I know the paperwork thing is weird, but we’ve got to get you some identification.” “No, you said something about a boat?” “We’ll put you on a boat to get you to Canada.” “Yeah. No, I don’t– Yeah, we don’t do boats no more. I don’t know if you know our history but me and my people, we took a cruise one time. That shit didn’t go so well. So yeah, we’ve got to find another way to get to Canada if you don’t mind.” “But the boat is the best way for us to get there from Rochester.” “Yeah, that might be the best way for y’all. But we gon’ walk. Hell we can run, we can run real good. We can run, but we ain’t getting on no boat.” “My friend, you’ve got to get on the boat.” “Man, I ain’t got to do shit. I just got free. Imagine if I get on that boat, and on the other side it’s the same? What will they say to me? -‘Why’d you get on the boat?’ -‘He was real nice.’ Hell no! I ain’t getting on no boat.” “You’ve got to get on the boat, though. You’re free now. You’ve got to get over this.” “Maybe one day, in a few hundred years, one of my descendants named Kanye West will be over this shit, but I ain’t over it now. [loud laughter and applause] So, I ain’t getting on no boat.” [shouting] “We got to get you on the boat, dammit.” “I’m not getting on no boat.” And that was the day the phrase, “N i g g a, please” was invented. [loud laughter] [whooping laughter] The white man turned and went, “N i g g a, please, I need you on that boat.” And that story was passed down generation to generation, black person to black person, free man to free man. “And that white man got down on his knees, and he said, ‘N i g g a, please.'” -“N i g g a please?” -“N i g g a, please. I ain’t never heard that phrase before in my life. -N i g g a, please… N i g g a please. -N i g g a, please?” I know that’s probably a phrase Barack Obama used at least once in the White House. At least once. Like, “Mr. President, do you think Trump is because of you? -Do you think you caused this?” -“N i g g a, please.” Just one time, one time. I know he used it. Actually, I had the pleasure of meeting President Obama while he was in office. Probably one of the craziest experiences I’ve ever had in my life. Yeah, I was… [cheering] It came out of nowhere. It came out of nowhere. I was at The Daily Show, I was in my office and I got a phone call from the administration. And someone on the other end was like, “Hi, Trevor. Would you like to interview the President of the U.S. in the White House?” And I was like, “Do you ask stupid questions?” I was like, “Of course I want to meet the President of the United States. Are you serious?” And the day finally came. I went to DC with my TV crew. And they set us up in a room, which was literally opposite the Oval Office. We put all our cameras in place. All we’re doing now is waiting for the President to arrive. So we’re staring at the door with baited breath. And the reason we’re staring is they don’t give you an exact time of the President’s arrival, for his safety. So they just give you a window, like the cable guy. [laughter] So we’re all waiting there, listening to every footstep, every moment, and then he just popped in behind us, scared the shit out of everybody. Yeah. There’s a secret door, but they don’t tell you. Again for safety. Right. We’re staring at the door and suddenly he’s like, “Hello.” I was like… arghhh! But I had a great time in the interview with him. He was really kind to everyone in the room, and then we turned off the cameras, and I promise you, he became even nicer, we just had a conversation. I thought he’d leave. He’s President of the U.S., he’s got to go do something. And he just chilled for a bit, you know? And we spoke as human beings, and it went really well until he turned to me and he said, “Trevor, I’ve got a show that I’m doing in a few weeks, a little thing, I thought maybe you’d want to pop by and perform, if you don’t mind.” I said, “Mr. President, I would be honored. Just let me know when and where. What’s the show going to be for, sir?” He said, “Trevor, I’m doing a little thing for my aides, and I thought maybe you’d want to be there.” I said, “I would love to, thank you. I’m sorry, a show for what?” He said, “For my aides, Trevor.” I said, “You have AIDS?” [laughter] And then– And then he explained what he meant. And I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. [loud laughter] Because I had just looked at the President of the United States, and asked him if he had AIDS. And the worst thing is that he was nice to me as well. ‘Cause I said that and then he explained and I was like, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I don’t even know why– You said “aides”, and then AIDS…” Because, here’s the thing. In my defense, I get it now. He means aides, as in the White House aides the people who help the President. I get it now. But in my defense, where I’m from AIDS is some other shit that doesn’t help anybody. No one in Africa is walking around saying, “Let me introduce you to my AIDS.” So now I’m here. I’m frazzled. I’m like, “Mr. President, I’m so sorry. [speaking fast] I didn’t mean that. You don’t have AIDS, even if you did there’s nothing wrong with having AIDS. There’s no stigma. Actually, I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m so sorry.” He was like, “Trevor, Trevor, calm down, Trevor. Trevor, Trevor calm down.” “I’m so sorry, Mr. President, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m the dumbest person you ever met. He was like, “Trevor, Trevor,” “I’m the dumbest person you’ve ever met.” He was like, “No, Trevor that’s not true. I’ve met Trump.” [loud laughter] Get out of here! [cheering] So smooth. I’m used to it in life, though. This is something that commonly happens to me, living in the US. You know. I understand it as an idea. If you move to another country, you’re probably gonna have to learn another language. I didn’t realize that would happen in America, because I speak English. But here, people speak American. Similar, but not the same. Alright? Like small things change, small things. I accept that, small things like pronunciation. For instance the thing you drink, I call that “water”. Yes, water, in American you say “wadder”. Right? “Wadder”. Yeah. I say “water” because there’s a T in the word. Right? Erm… The glass you see yourself in every morning, I refer to that as “a mirror”. Yeah? Alright? In American you say “Ameer”, right? “Ameer”, which is not the same thing to me. A mirror is the glass, Ameer is a Middle Eastern man, very different experience. It’s not the same thing. That’s just pronunciation, right. You also have to learn the meanings of words that you already knew when you move to America. For instance, where I’m from there’s a garment that men commonly wear under their shirts. It’s white and it’s sleeveless. Where I’m from, we refer to this as a “vest”. Okay? I’ve now learned, in American, it is known as a “wife beater”. -Yeah, I have so many questions. -[laughter] And so the best and worst experience I had learning American happened to me when I actually first moved to the US. I lived in California, in Pasadena when I first came to the United States, right. and the reason I lived in Pasadena is because that’s where I knew my first American friend, a guy by the name of David Meyer. He came to South Africa to film a documentary. We became the best of friends and one day we were hanging out in Dave’s apartment. Dave’s chilling on his bean bag, and he looks over at me and he’s like, [puts on Californian accent] “Trevor, dude, [sounding stoned] I don’t know about you right now, but I’m starving.” I said, “I think you mean you’re hungry, Dave.” He said, “What?” I said, “It doesn’t matter, what you want to eat?” [laughter] He said, “You know what I’m craving right now, man? I’m craving tacos.” I said, “That sounds like fun. Let’s do it, man. Let’s go to Tacos.” “What?” “Isn’t that the restaurant you’re craving? Tacos?” “Are you being serious right now? You’ve never had tacos?” “No, I don’t know what tacos is.” [raising voice] “You’ve never had tacos?” “My answer hasn’t changed from now, Dave. No.” -“I’ve never had tacos.” -“You’ve never had tacos?” And by the way, I hate it when people do that. You know when people ask you the same question over and over again, they can’t believe you haven’t had the same life experience? You know that thing they do? With everything, “Oh my God, have you heard the new Beyoncé?” -No. -You haven’t heard the new Beyoncé? -No, I haven’t– -You haven’t heard the– ? Oh no, now I have. No, I’d never had tacos, right. I’d never had tacos, because in South Africa, we don’t really have Mexican food. We don’t have Mexican food, because we don’t have Mexicans. They never came over. It’s not my fault. Dave was personally offended. I’ll never forget, he jumped up and he was like, “Dude. I cannot believe you’ve been in America all this time and you’ve never had tacos.” I said, “Dave why is it such a big deal?” He’s like, “Because, Trevor, nothing says America like tacos.” [whooping and applause] I said, “Really? Nothing says America like Mexican food?” And, you know, what’s funny is I feel like in that moment, Dave was being profound. He didn’t even realize it, but that was a profound little nugget that he had just espoused. Nothing says America like tacos. I’ve had the privilege of traveling everywhere in this beautiful country. I’ve been to places like Erie, Pennsylvania; El Paso, Texas; Honolulu, Hawaii, you know. I’ve been everywhere, and one thing I’ve learned across the board in America, is that Americans love tacos. applause] Everywhere you go, Americans love tacos. Love tacos. Even people you wouldn’t expect. I was watching the news one day, and there was a guy at a rally, and they were asking him about immigration and families being separated, etc. And this guy, regardless of his politics, he was being really mean and xenophobic, and racist. You know, just acting real presidential. And the journalist asked him, the journalist asked him about children and he just went straight in, he was like, “Boy, I tell you what, I don’t give a damn about any of these goddamn Mexicans. They came over here. They ain’t supposed to be here, boy. Wooo! It’s our country now, you hear? That’s right, boy. Go back to where you came from. Wooo! These Mexicans ain’t done nothing good. Ain’t brought nothing good to America. We don’t need y’all. Come on, Bubba. It’s Taco Tuesday.” Get out of here, but leave the recipes. [laughter] I feel like there should be a rule in America, they should say, you can hate immigrants all you want, but if you do, you don’t get to eat their food. -[cheering] -Yeah? [whooping] That’s a fair exchange to me. You hate immigrants, -no immigrant food. [applause] And when I say no immigrant food, I mean no immigrant food. Nothing. No Mexican food. No Caribbean food. No Dominican food. No Asian food. Nothing. Only potatoes. [laughter] And I’m not even saying flavored potatoes. I’m saying plain potatoes. No spice. Because no immigrants, no spice. Don’t ever forget that. Both figuratively and literally, no spice. And I know some people would take that. I know. I know people now who’d be like, You know what? Take your immigrants, take your spice and get the hell out of here. You say that now, because you’ve never lived a life without spice. But don’t ever forget. A life without spice was so hard, so hard, that it made white people sail around the world to find it. [whooping] And like… [whistling and applause] This wasn’t regular sailing, this wasn’t like a Disney cruise. These people sailed at a time when they believed if you went that way, you would fall off the edge of the Earth and die. And still, some man out there was eating some white ladies cooking and he was like, [English accent] “I can’t do this shit anymore. I’m sailing that way.” “But what if you die?” “At least it’s exciting.” No immigrants, no spice. And definitely no tacos. I know my friend Dave would never allow that. I’ve never seen him so passionate. He gave me a speech about tacos like he was the heir to a taco dynasty. Finally, he turned to me and said, “As your friend and as an American, I’m going to make sure that you get tacos if it’s the last thing I ever do!” I was like, “Why don’t we just go now?” He was like, “That’ll work.” You know what my favorite part of any conversation is? When people think you’re gonna argue with them, but you agree and they’ve already chosen anger. Because nobody just changes their tone. Everyone has to stick in the anger for a while because they think it makes them seem less crazy. It happens in relationships all the time. You’ll have a fight that’s not a fight. You know? You’ll be like, “Goddamnit Karen, every time I ask for support, you’re not there for me, and it hurts me sometimes.” “You know what, Bob, I’m sorry.” “No, don’t try and– Thank you very much. I didn’t think you would apologize and so I chose this tone. And now I feel like an idiot. I’m going to leave the room and reset.” I wasn’t going to fight, I want to have tacos. Let’s go get tacos, Dave. So we rolled together, jumped into the car. And so we drove for about 20 minutes. To what I thought was going to be a restaurant. [nervous laughter] Instead, Dave pulls over into an abandoned parking lot. [whooping] He kills the engine, looks over at me and goes, “Alright, dude. We’re here.” I was like, “Where, at my murder scene?” He was like, “No dude, we’re getting tacos. Over there.” He points, in the corner of the parking lot was a truck. A food truck, which I’ve learned is common in America. Some of the best food you find is on a food truck. But at that point in time, you’ll have to forgive me, I was little bit apprehensive. Okay? I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of getting food from an establishment -that wouldn’t be there the next day. -[laughter] I feel like there’s a certain level of accountability that comes with permanence. Dave was adamant, though. He’s like, “You gotta get it from a truck. That’s how you know it’s real.” I was like, “Let’s just get this over with, let’s do it.” So I hop out of the car, walk up to the truck, and it was definitely a taco truck, because there was a sign above it flashing that read “Tacos”. Tacos. [neon lightbulb sound] Tacos. [neon lightbulb sound] By the way, weird piece of trivia about me as a person, I hate signs that flash but don’t change. Yeah, I always feel like a sign shouldn’t be allowed to flash unless it intermittently changes to some other information. Otherwise, I think that’s wasted suspense. It should be illegal. It always catches my eye and then I wait for something else, Like, “Tacos” and “Tacos”. And what else? “Tacos.” Anything else? “Tacos.” [shouting] Just stay on Tacos. Anyway, now I’m irritated. I walk up to the truck. I get there, this little dude pops out. He was a completely different mood to me. You could tell. He popped his head out, “Hey, how you doing, man? [Mexican accent] You want some tacos?” I said, “It would be awkward if we didn’t.” He says, “What? Oh, yeah. Of course man, of course, but you never know. Maybe you want something else. Yeah?” I said, “What else do you have, my friend?” He said, “Nothing man, it’s a taco truck.” I said, “Oh, thank you. That’s a moment of my life I’ll never get back. Thank you very much.” He said, “No, no, no. [speaking Spanish] Calma-te, man. I just don’t want to waste your time. You want tacos, let’s do tacos. How many tacos you want, my friend?” I said, “I don’t know how many tacos to get. I’ve never had tacos before.” “You’ve never had tacos?” -I said, “No, I haven’t.” -“You’ve never… had tacos?” I was like, “You should meet my friend Dave.” Because I’m not going to order food when I don’t know what it is. Okay, I don’t know what the quantities are. I don’t know what tacos are, what a taco is. I don’t know what a taco be. What do you say? How many do you get? Because if I go, “Give me five.” What if tacos are like little pigs or something? And I’m like, “Give me five!” Next thing I know, I’m walking home… [pig squeals] “And that’s how I started my farm.” I have no clue what these things are. So, I’m like, “Yo man, I just want to try the food. Just give me enough to try.” He said “Okay. You just trying it out, two tacos is enough.” I said, “Okay, give me 2 tacos.” “Two tacos coming up!” The guy goes to the back, starts preparing the food. I have no clue what’s coming out. Comes back a few minutes later, “Hey, my friend.” Your tacos are ready. I was like, “Thank you very much.” “Yeah, you want you want a napkin?” -“I’m sorry, what?” -“Do want a napkin?” And now, LA, this is where it gets weird for me. [muted laughter] Because, you see, where I’m from, napkins are the things babies wear [laughter] to hold their shit. [loud laughter] The thing for your mouth, we call a serviette. But I didn’t know that, so at this point this man turned to me, offered me food and then said, “You want a napkin?” I said, “I’m sorry, I’m confused. Wh– Why would I want a napkin?” “You know, man. For the mess afterwards?” [loud laughter] [applause] He said for the mess. “How instant is it that I’d need a napkin?” “Hey man, you never know with tacos, man. One minute you think you got it, the next thing, it’s coming out.” It sounds like the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my life. He said, “No it’s part of the experience. Everybody does it, man. You make a mess, you clean up, you come back and try again. You know?” I said, “That’s an experience I don’t want to have, not gonna lie.” -I’m going to skip it. -You’re not going to try my food? I said, “I’ll try the food. But I’m not gonna take the napkin, man.” He says, “What are you going to do?” I say, “If it’s as crazy as you say, I’ll just eat the taco in the car on the way home.” “Oh… You think you’re safe. You’re going to be driving? Somebody swerves, you hit the brakes. Splat! It’s coming out. Don’t be a hero, man. Just take the napkin.” I said, “Alright, I’m not being a hero right now. I’m just being a grown-ass man. Okay? If it gets really bad, I’ll just squeeze super tight until I get to where I’m going.” He’s like, “That’s the problem. Some people don’t know, they squeeze too tight, then the juice comes spraying out even more. It can spray on your pants and on your shirt…” I’m like, “On my shirt?” “How did this shit get onto my shirt?” Is it just bouncing on the ground and ricocheting up? -What the hell is in this?” -“Hey man. You want the napkin or not?” “I don’t even want your tacos right now, dude.” So much stress. Now I love tacos. [laughter] [whooping] [applause] Yeah. I love tacos. I love Mexican food. I love Mexican people. [whooping] I don’t even know what it is. I think it’s just people. We have a connection, you know. South Africans and Mexicans. People from shithole countries. We have this thing. I still can’t believe the things Donald Trump says. He’s such a– For me, Donald Trump is an emotional paradox. I’m not going to lie. You know. Logically, I can process him, emotionally I struggle. On the one hand, I will admit, I wake up many days terrified at the notion that he’s president of the most powerful nation in the world. But I also must admit I wake up many days knowing he’s going to make me laugh. There’s terror and there’s joy, and I don’t know how to feel. You know what it feels like sometimes? It feels like there’s a giant asteroid headed towards the Earth. But it’s shaped like a penis. [laughter] Like, I think I’m going to die. But I know I’m going to laugh. Just look at everything that he does. The world we now live in because of him. You realize we’re living through history. You know. This will never happen in our lifetimes again. We’re living through a time when we are all learning about the presidency at the same time as the president. That’s never happened. [whooping] How wild is that concept? You wake up everyday reading the news, and you’re like, “Wow, I didn’t know that.” And somewhere, at that exact same moment, he’s reading the same news going, “Wow, me too.” And nobody knows where it’s gonna lead. Nobody knows what he’s gonna do. All we know is that he wants his wall. He wants his wall. Donald Trump wants his wall. He needs 25 billion dollars the last time he asked. He needs it from American taxpayers because Mexico is smart. [man whoops] That fell apart real quick. Remember how confident he was at the rallies? People cheering for him. He was like, [imitates Trump] “Folks, we’re gonna build [softly] a wall. [laughter] We’re going to build a wall, folks. Who’s going to pay? Mexico.” Mexico was like, “We ain’t paying for shit, man. [applause] We might build it, but we’re not going to pay for it, man.” And if you’ve been following the journey of the wall, but it’s probably the best comedy on TV. Right? Because now they’ve started building prototypes of the wall at the border, because Donald Trump said he wants them to test the wall first. I don’t know how you do that. They’re like, “Try again.” [laughter] And because of the prototypes, Donald Trump now has specifications for the wall. He now says he wants the wall to be made out of concrete, but he also needs the wall to be see-through. Alright. And the reason the president wants the wall to be see-through is because he said he’s afraid that drug dealers from Mexico are going to shoot bags of drugs over the wall. And they’re going to hit Americans on the head as they walk by. So he needs the wall to be see-through, so that Americans can see the drugs coming and catch it. [applause] I’m not going to lie. I don’t know what a see-through wall is. But at this point, I’m just worried that a contractor will come along and trick the president. He’ll take him to the border and be like, “There it is, Mr.Trump. Your invisible wall.” [applause and whooping] And then just to make sure he buys it, he’s going to hire a troupe of Mexican mimes to be like, “Oh my God, you can’t get through it.” [impersonating Trump] It works. The mind of Donald Trump. The other idea he had for the wall, was he said America should build the wall out of solar panels. That’s what he said. He said America should build the wall out of solar panels because that way the wall would generate electricity and pay for itself. Yeah. Now, I’m not going to lie. That’s a good idea, right. It’s a good idea, unless you know anything about solar panels, or the Sun or walls. The problem with that idea is that the Sun is up. Yeah? Do we all agree on that? We still on the same page? The Sun is up, right? Er, a solar panel wall won’t work, because a wall is like this. So, technically it’s facing down. So, unless you have a really swaggy sun. That’s like, “Yeah, I shine real low, B.” It’s not going to work for you. The only way it works is if you take your board or solar panel and lean it at an angle to get the sun rays, but if you do that, you’ve created a giant ramp for Mexicans to shoot into America. -Just like, “Ora le…” -[laughter] The mind of Donald J. Trump. The J stands for Jesús. A lot of people don’t know that. -[laughter] -A lot of self-loathing going on there. And he’s always going after someone, right? He’s always going after someone. If it’s not Mexicans, it’s Muslims. If it’s not Muslims, it’s Africans from shithole countries. That one was my favorite, personally, because I am an African. I have shat in a hole. Um… I also liked it because people came up to me and asked me questions. There’s one man who came up to me after a show, really concerned. He was like, “Trevor… Hey, can I ask you a question?” I said, “Yeah, go ahead, my friend.” He said, “Trevor, I just want to know, when Donald Trump says all these horribly racist things, do you sometimes just want to pack it up, leave America, go back to South Africa and escape all this racism?” [laughter] I said, “My friend, you don’t go to South Africa to escape racism. That’s where you go to stock up.” Are you kidding me? That’s the one thing that reminds me of home. The racism out here. Cause we’ve got tons of racism in South Africa and don’t get me wrong, it’s gotten a lot better. When I was growing up, we had Apartheid. Erm and, you know, Apartheid was basically the best racism in the world. Um. Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. Now you’ll feel bad and be like, “Our racism was the best.” No, it wasn’t. -It was good, but not the best. -[laughter] And I experienced a bunch of racism and everyone did. I never felt like it was a bad thing, mostly because of my family. You know, my, my mother is a black woman, a Xhosa woman. My father is Swiss from Switzerland, and them being a couple was against the law, and that was a problem for us living together. And so we experienced a ton of racism. In case you’re wondering, yes. Xhosa is one of the languages with the clicks in it. [speaking Xhosa] But not like in American movies, just so you know. I’ve seen those movies where they have Africans, and they’re like… [exaggerated clicking] [exaggerated gibberish] That’s not a language. Even we watch those movies, and we’re like… “I wonder what they are saying, yeah?” “Where are they from?” “I think they from Cleveland?” [laughter] It’s not just clicks, the clicks are consonants. We still have vowels. I grew up in this family and we couldn’t live together. I could live with my mom, but my dad couldn’t live with us, it was illegal. And, and… people would be racist to us all the time. But I was really lucky growing up, because my mom is probably the most gangster human being you’ll ever meet in your life. Nothing got to her. -Nothing fazed her. [applause] I remember one day in particular, walking through the streets together. And some guy across the road shouted something really mean at us. And I was about four or five years old and I turned and looked at my mom and I said, “Mommy, what do we do if people do the racism to us?” My mom said, “Baby, you know what we do if somebody’s racist? We take that racism of theirs and we shake it up with the love of Jesus. And then we send it back.” And I was like, “What?” [laughter] I was like, “This lady’s crazy.” She was crazy, but she was also right. I didn’t realize how right my mother was until decades later, which I feel is what always happens with your parents, right. They’re crazy, and then you get to their age and you’re like “Oh, that’s what it means.” I only learned the lesson my mother was trying to teach me when I was a grown man. I was walking through the streets of Chicago, minding my own business. Some guy drove by in a pickup truck and called me the n-word. And I’m not going to lie. I was disappointed. Mostly because he was driving a pickup truck. Yeah, I just feel like that was an unnecessary stereotype that he didn’t need to perpetuate. You know… I feel like if you’re going to be racist, do something different. Think outside the box. Drive a Prius. -[laughter] -Yeah. It’s better for the environment and it’s quiet. You can sneak up on me. We both win. But no, the guy was, he was driving a pickup truck. Called me the n-word. Oh! To give you the full story, I was jaywalking. I was jaywalking. And I won’t tell you this to justify what he did, I just want you to know that I’m no angel. Okay? Yeah. I was crossing the road and then the light turned red for me, but I decided to walk anyways, because I don’t see color. [audience member] Oh my God! And this man… This man was so offended by what I had done that he drove his truck around me rolled the window down, looked me dead in the eye, and he was like, “Get out of the road, n i g g e r.” Oh, you could see he wanted to hurt me. We locked eyes and I could see in that moment, he was waiting for me to be like… [slow motion “No”] [mock gunshot sound] What that man didn’t know was where I was from. More importantly, who he didn’t know was my mother. [applause] Because he thought it was just going to be a regular racist day. [laughter] He thought he was gonna drive by, throw the n-word out, carry on with his life. He didn’t realize that that was the son of Patricia stepping into the road. And it happened in a moment, but it lasted a lifetime. Because I didn’t even think. He shouted that word and out of nowhere, my body was like… [laughter] I was like, “Oh shit, this is it!” [loud laughter] And let me tell you something, LA, it was so beautiful, because I didn’t plan it. I didn’t think about it. All I know is I stepped into the road, he drove his truck around, rolled the window, looked me dead in the eye, said, “Get out of the road, n i g g e r.” And I turned and and I was like, “Yo, my n i g g a.” [laughter and applause] And he almost crashed and died. -[laughter] Yeah, I’ve never seen a human being question themselves so many times in a split-second in my life. Because I was smiling and I could see in his face he was like, “Wait, do I know you? Do I look like someone you know?” And I don’t know why he did this, but I’ll never forget it. He looked at his hands. He looked at his hands like they’d somehow magically turned black. Like I had cursed him with a n i g g e r bomb. I don’t know what he was thinking. Oh… I actually felt bad for him, man. Because I’ve been called that word before, but that was his first time. You never forget your first time, you know? I’m sorry. I’m not going to– Is that what he wants? He wants to throw that word and my day’s spoiled? That’s how it is? He says, “N i g g e r!” [childish tone] “He called me a n i g g e r.” I don’t have time for that. My mom always used to say. She said you can’t control what people do to you, but you can control how you react. So I promised myself. I said, “I’ll never give a racist person the pleasure of seeing my pain.” It may be painful, may be hurtful, but I won’t give them the pleasure of seeing my pain. [applause and whistling] Someone says something racist, I take that racism, shake it up with the love of Jesus, send it right back. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not always easy. Not everyone can do the same thing. Not everyone should. I also understand that for me it is a little bit different. You don’t I have a privilege in that I come from a country where the word “n i g g e r” was never used to oppress anybody. I mean we had another word, we had the best racism. Come on now. But not that word. That word we had was a word “kaffir”. So we have another word, same thing. It’s crazy to me sometimes. Same racism, different word. And here it means nothing, right? “Kaffir. Kaffir”? Nothing. Some people are like, “Is that like a probiotic? Is that what that is?” Yeah, the probiotic of my pain. We don’t have that in our supermarkets. For obvious reasons. No one warned me in America. I walk down the dairy aisle, I was like, “Yogurt, ice cream… [screams] This lactose is intolerant.” So it’s different around the world. I get that. You know. It’s a privilege I have in dealing with the n-word. You know, in South Africa, no one was called a n i g g e r. All over Africa no one was oppressed using that word. So that word has no power. Anywhere you go. “N i g g e r, n i g g e r, n i g g e r…” Nothing. Whereas right now I can feel the tension in this room. I can feel it. Some people are like, “Goddamn it, was that like 7 times? I get it, Trevor. That’s my quota for the year. Come on.” I get it. It got me thinking that maybe we could use that. We could use that discrepancy to help each other out, and create a program where you guys send all of your racist people to Africa just once a year. Because Africans will roast the shit out of them. The best part about Africa is you don’t even have to wait. Get off the plane and there’s black people everywhere. Just jump straight in, and be like, “N i g g e r, n i g g e r, n i g g e r” Yeah, and because Africa’s run and owned by black people, they’re not afraid of white people. They’ll just be like, “Jimbo, he’s back. The n i g g a man. -How are you, n i g g a?” [applause] “God dammit. I keep telling you you’re the n i g g e r.” “But you are the one who always says it, n i g g a man. Yeah, you n i g g a. Put on some sunscreen before you die, n i g g a. Let’s go party.” [applause] It would be different. That’s all I’m saying. It’s always weird for me, I won’t lie, because although no one used that word in a derogatory way, the word “n i g g e r” in South Africa does exist. Technically, right? But in my mom’s language, Xhosa, the word “n i g g a” means “to give”. That’s what “n i g g a” means in Xhosa. That’s how you use it. [speaking Xhosa] [speaking Xhosa] So, not only does that word not hurt me, when racist people use it on me, all they end up doing is bringing back fond memories of my childhood. [laughter] I get flashbacks to when I was a little kid. I’d be playing with my cousin and his toy cars I always stole his cars, I didn’t have my own. He’d start screaming, like… [crying] Mama! Mama! My mom would run into the room. She’d be like [speaking Xhosa] “What’s happening here?” And my cousin would be like, “Auntie…” [sobbing nonsense in a trap style] [audience whooping] She’d be like “Hey, hey, hey. Talk properly, I can’t hear you. What happened?” He’d be like, “Trevor stole my toys.” And my mom would be like, “Trevor, did you steal your cousin’s toys?” I’d say, “No, Mom, I didn’t steal, Mom. -I promise I didn’t steal.” -“Trevor… [speaks Xhosa] Don’t lie to me. Did you steal those toys?” I said, “No, mom. I didn’t steal anything. What happened was his cars were parked illegally, Mom. [laughter] And so I had to tow them, because you can’t live in this society without laws. I mean, even me, I’m just a humble civil servant at the end of the day, Mom. Without laws, we descend into chaos, Mom. If you think about it, that’s all that’s holding us up. As a civilization it’s the only thing that keeps us–” She’d be like, “Hey, don’t come here with that smart mouth of yours. Give those toys back.” I said, “Mom, please. I just want to play–“ [speaks Xhosa] “Give those toys back. Give those toys back.” And I’d be like “Mom” and she’d be like “Hey, n i g g e r”. [speaks Xhosa repeatedly saying ‘n i g g e r’] And my cousin would be there like, “N i g g a, please.” [laughter] Yo LA, you guys have been so much fun tonight. [loud whooping] [continued cheering] Thank you so much for coming out and joining me. I appreciate you all so much. Have a good night, everybody. [speaks Xhosa] [hip hop outro begins] [applause and whooping] | [shouting and whooping] [hip hop intro music] [applause] What’s going on, Los Angeles? [louder cheering] Welcome to the show. Thank you for coming out. Thank you for being here. This is so much fun. Welcome out. Oh, look at all of you. This is so dope. I love LA. I love everything about LA. Even the things people hate about LA, I love. I love the traffic in LA. It’s like one of my favorite experiences. Yeah, when you don’t live here, it’s great. It’s wonderful. Because you get to be a part of it, but it’s not yours forever. It’s like another person’s child, you know what I’m saying? Yeah, you get to be like, “This is crazy. Have it back.” -That’s what it feels like. [laughter] I love it, man. [indistinct shout] I love the vibe. You know? I love driving out here. You know. And while I’m out here, I get to listen to the radio, you guys have great radio stations because you’re always in your cars. In New York– Radio’s not a big thing for me living in New York. I ride my bicycle, walk the streets. I can’t listen to music because I’ll die. -Um… [laughter] But in LA, that’s all I do. I just listen to music. Now, these days when you’re driving, all you hear is trap music. That’s the big thing you hear, is trap. That’s the new music on the radio. It’s really fun. Trap. I don’t understand what they’re saying, but I enjoy it. [laughter] Every single song is the same. Every trap song to me sounds like a toddler complaining about life. That’s all I hear when I listen to trap songs. Every time a trap song plays on the radio, I think of my little brother, he’ll go outside and hurt himself. He’ll come back crying, it sounds like every single trap song ever. He’ll walk in like… [imitates child sobbing] I’ll be like, “Yo, Isaac, what happened?” [imitates sobbing] [sobbing nonsense in a trap style] [whoops] [sobbing nonsense in a trap style] [continued nonsense] And I’ll be like, “Yo, yo ,yo, dude, slow down.” [laughter and applause] I thought you were playing with your friends. What happened?” ♪ All my friends are dead ♪ ♪ Push me to the edge ♪ ♪ All my friends are dead now ♪ ♪ Push me to the edge now ♪ [sings nonsense] “Go talk to your mom. I don’t know what you’re saying. Talk to your mom.” Ah… The City of Angels, I love every moment, man. I’m enjoying myself. I just got back from vacation. So I’m having a great time. You got that vacation swag, you’ve still got that thing. You know, you still feel loose. You feel relaxed. I went to Bali on vacation. [audience oohs] Out in Indonesia. Yeah, if you’ve never been, make a plan and get out there. It’s an amazing place. Uh, I went out with some of my friends, learned a few things about myself as a person. The most important thing I learned is somebody needs to invent a TripAdvisor specifically for black people. Right? No, because just generally, I find that what white people want to do on vacation, is what black people are trying to escape. [laughter] And not in a bad way. We just want different things out of life. Like my white friends are always inviting me camping, for instance. Always. With enthusiasm. Like, “Trevor wanna go camping, dude?” I’m like, “Why?” [rising laughter] I was like, “Dude. What do you mean, ‘Why?’ It’s amazing. Are you kidding me? No water, no electricity, you know? It’s just us and the great outdoors, you’ve got to take a dump in the hole in the floor or something, dude.” I’m like, “Yeah, that was my life. [laughter] That was me growing up. You know how hard I worked to never go camping again?” [applause] Every day! [whooping] Every day. Every day I wake up in my bed, and I’m like, “Thank God I’m not camping.” [laughter] If my family saw pictures of me camping, they would be devastated. If my grandmother saw me out in the woods, [crying] she’d be like, “What happened to Trevor? I thought he was successful. Oh! [imitates sobbing] It must be the crack.” Ah. [sobs] I won’t go camping. So, I went with my friends to Bali. They planned the trip. And uh, before we went, I asked my friend I was like, “Yo, Mitch, what are we going to be doing? He was like, “Don’t ask questions, Trevor. It’s just gonna be a great time.” I was like, “I want to know what the great time is going to be about.” He was like, “Dude, don’t ask questions.” -I should have asked questions. -[laughter] Because we had fun. But there were a few things that were weird that I wouldn’t necessarily do on my own. For instance, on the third day of the trip, we had what was planned, what was billed in our itinerary as an authentic Balinese experience. That’s what they called it, “an authentic Balinese experience.” What they did was, they woke us up at 5 a.m., put us in a little bus, and we drove for three hours. And when we got there, we get out of the bus, in the middle of what looks like a remote village, and a little tour guide, really happy, way too happy for that time, and he’s like “Welcome, everybody. Are you ready for a good time?” And I’m like, “Yeah.” And so he’s like, “My name is Dang Basaan and I’m going to be your guide. Today, you will have an authentic Balinese experience. So exciting! Follow me.” And so we follow him, and he walks up to a little door. and I’m like, “This is going to be like a temple or cave…” And he’s like, “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the real Bali.” and he opens the door, into somebody’s house. This is not a museum house, this is just a house. Someone lives there every single day. He opens the door and he’s like, “This is the home of someone in Bali. [rising laughter] He eats here. He sleeps here.” -I’m like, “Does he know we’re here?” [laughter] We didn’t knock. Nobody answered the door. For all I know, we’re breaking and entering right now. We’re in some weird Balinese gang. I don’t know how this works. And as I’m about to ask the question, he turned and he’s like, “Over here you can see the owner of the house. He’s in the corner.” We turn, and there’s a man. The whole time, just sitting there. Frozen stiff. And I’m like, “Is this guy part of this?” I don’t know if we should be doing this or should not be doing this?” And Dang Basaan turns to him, starts speaking in Balinese. He’s like… [pretends to speak Balinese] -“Okay, you can touch anything.” -[laughter] And so I’m like, “I don’t think we should–” Before I can even finish, the people in our tour group were like, “Yeah! Touch it all. [exaggerated voice] Oh my God. Touch it all. Oh my God, does he sleep here? Oh, wow. Is this where he eats? Oh, my God, I could never do this. Oh, my God. Excuse me. Thank you so much for having us. Oh, my God, I appreciate my life so much more right now. Thank you so much. This is horrible. Can we take a selfie? [laughter] Thank you. Are you on Instagram? I’ll just put hashtag “the man.” Thank you. Oh my God.” So I’m really awkward right now, Right, um… because this is like something culturally I’m not supposed to be doing. As an African person, I should not be in somebody’s house rummaging through their life. So I’m standing in the corner really uncomfortable. And the owner of the house is really accommodating, he’s friendly. You know. He’s like, “Yes, thank you. Enjoy. Enjoy. Thank you.” And then he turns and looks at me. And this was one of the most magical moments, right, because he was smiling at everyone else and his face completely changed when he turned. He was all hospitable, like, “Yes, thank you. Thank you.” [laughter] And with his eyes, he proceeded to have the most in-depth conversation with me that I’ve ever had. It’s not like the eyes conversation was new to me. You can have an eyes conversation with anyone you have a connection with. It could be somebody of the same race when you’re in public. Er, it could be like a husband and wife. Wives are good at having eyes conversations. They’ll like shit on you hard. You’ll be in public together, and you’ll say something off– You’ll be like, “If only she did that.” She’ll be like, “Hell no. I cannot believe you said–” But it’s just eyes. “I cannot believe you said all that. Wait until the next– You want to air our dirty laundry in public? You’ll see how this is going to end. You say this and enjoy this moment right now, because it’s over.” And you’re like, “I shouldn’t have done that.” All with eyes. Right? That’s what he did to me. Because one minute he’s smiling at everybody, and then he turns and looks at me. And with his eyes, he was like, “What are you doing here?” So with my eyes, I was like, “Hey man, I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was your house. They said it was an authentic experience. That’s why I came.” He was like, “Yeah, authentic for white people. You’ve got your own poor. Go back to where you came from.” [laughter] I was like, “Yeah, I shouldn’t be here, man. I’m sorry.” [low laughter] So I left. I go outside. About 15 minutes later, everyone’s done with their poverty porn, so they come and join me. [laughter] Um… Dang Basaan follows the crowd. And he’s having a blast. You can tell. He walks out and says, “Everyone have a great time? I know you enjoyed that. Now, it’s time for a special surprise. Follow me, everybody, to the back.” And he takes us to the back of the house, right. Where there’s this area they’ve laid out, where clearly they have some sort of performance. There’s a stage, there’s raked seating. He tells us to find our seats, so we all sit down. There’s people from all over the world in our tour group. Myself, my American friends, some British people. There’s a French family. A dad and his son. They sit next to me. So I sit in the front row. And Dang Basaan comes back out. And all of a sudden, he’s wearing a giant Balinese headdress. Looking really beautiful, you know. He looks at us and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for an authentic Balinese experience? Please welcome the snakes of Bali.” -I’m like, “The what?” -[laughter] I’m like, “Oh, he said snakes.” The snakes of Bali– And I look, and there’s snakes. There’s a group of men gathering snakes to bring out to us. And so I’m like, “Yeah, no. No, I don’t.” No, because you see as a black person, culturally, I’m trying to not die. So… I take all my stuff and start packing it. And the French guy turns to me and he’s like, [French accent] “My friend, where are you going? The show.” I said, “Yeah. No, the guy said there’s snakes coming, so I’m going to move. I’m gonna go to the back.” He said, “You are moving because of the snake?” I said, “Yeah.” He said, “Why are you moving for the snake, my friend? Are you afraid of a snake?” -I said, “Yeah. [laughter] That’s exactly what I am, afraid of the snakes.” He said, “Such a big man, but you are afraid of a snake?” I said, “Yeah with a big brain, that’s why I’m afraid.” It’s a snake. You’re not going to trick me into not being afraid of a snake. My toxic masculinity is not so high that I’ll be like, ” Yeah, you know what man, come on, Snakey. Come on.” [shouts] It’s a snake! Instead of just letting it go, this guy turns. He’s like, “I cannot believe it, a big man like this. Jean-Pierre–” He talks to his son. [makes up French words] And this kid’s like “ha, ha, ha!” [exaggerated] “Snake. Snake!” And he’s like, “Oui, oui, snake. Are you afraid? Snake. What is this? It’s a snake. Snake.” And these two carry on for like 15 seconds non-stop. Right. Just back and forth. “Snake, snake, snake,” the whole time. He’s like, “Snake. Are you scared? Snake.” I’m like, “Whatever man, you guys lost all your wars.” So I go to the back. -[Loud laughter] -Right. -I don’t have time for this. [whooping] I don’t have time for this, because there’s snakes. So, I go to the back, take all my stuff. I climb up and I’m sitting at the top, because I want to see the show, I just don’t want to be a part of it. So I’ve got my stuff. I move all the way up to the top. I sit there. As I get there, the show starts. And Dang Basaan’s really excited and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your first performer, the powerful Python.” And a dude comes out with a giant python wrapped around him. Alright. And this guy had this cool trick where the python would squeeze him really tight. Super tight. So tight, you could almost hear his bones cracking. Alright. And then he’d make a sound. He’d be like… -Eeh. [laughter] And the snake would let go. Then it’d start squeezing him again, and he’d be like… eeh. And the snake would let go. It would squeeze him again and he’d make the same sound, like… eeh And the snake would let go. I was like, “This is dope. This is cool. Yeah, we’re in a consensual relationship. I like this. This is uh…” So he leaves with the snake. The next performer comes out, and this guy had a green mamba with him, right? And so Dang Basaan is like, “Ladies and gentlemen, the green mamba.” This guy comes out and he had a cool trick where he took the lid off the basket the green mamba would come out and it would start doing a little move. And then someone would play music and then the snake charmer would dance with the snake. They’d do the same moves, like a Justin Timberlake video, just the two of them back and forth. I was like, “That was dope.” The snake goes back in. And then Dang Basaan came out one final time. He was like, “Now, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the final part of the show? Please welcome The King Cobra.” The final performer comes out with a cobra. Puts the snake down. Lifts the lid, snake comes out. And I don’t know what it was about the snake. But you could feel the energy change, like. They were all snakes, but this snake looked mean. You know? Like it looked like it hated life. There was something about it. This snake looked like it had a mortgage. [laughter] Because it looked at us, and then fixed its eyes on the charmer. He was really cool and calm. He didn’t even look at the snake. He addressed us. He was like “Ladies and gentlemen. They say the cobra can strike faster than the man can blink. But can a man move faster than the snake can think?” And I’m like oooh… -“I don’t know what that means, [laughter] but I’m in.” Because it sounds like a dumb Instagram quote, but I’m in. And this guy had the most amazing trick. What he did was he got right up close to the snake, and he put his hands behind his back. And then, he would make it seem like he was going to kiss the snake. And the snake will be no further than like a foot from his face. And then he would make this sound like a kissing sound. As he made the sound, the snake would try to bite him, and he moved away. I’ve never seen anything like it. But he leaned in, and he’s like, “Come on, snake.” [puckering sound] [kissing sound] [hisses] “Too slow, snakey. Try again. [puckering sound] [hisses] No love for you, my friend. Come on, snakey.” And all of us are enthralled. Every single one of us. No one’s making a sound, no one’s moving. And he does it over and over again. And then, to take it to the next level, he closes his eyes, pouts his lips, and I guess, at this point, the snake was probably like, “I think I figured this out. This dude’s going to make the sound and then he’s going to move. But if I bite before the sound, I can change everyone’s lives.” Because that’s exactly what the snake does. [surprised laughter] The guy closes his eyes, pouts his lips. Before he can make the sound, the snake strikes him. -Pa! Bam! [audience gasps] Hits him on the mouth. Right? Cuts his lip open, blood goes spraying everywhere. Now, that should be the end of the story, the craziest part of the story. No, this is the middle. [laughter] The snake hits him on the mouth. The blood goes spraying. This guy jumps back, and then acts like he didn’t just get bitten by a snake. Which makes us think we’re crazy, because we all saw it. Everyone in the audience was like [gasps] And then he jumps back, and he just shakes it off. You know what he did? He did that thing that people do when they get their hand jammed into a car door or something? Like it slammed, and there’s a [slam sound] And people will just be like mmm… He did that, but with a snake. So the snake hits him, the blood sprays, and he jumps back and he’s like mmm… [laughter] “Don’t worry. We’re fine. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. Everybody, we’re fine. Relax, relax, we are fine.” But we weren’t fine. You know, how we know this? Because his face started melting on the one side. Right? So his face starts melting, his lips start turning blue and he goes back to do his kiss trick again, but he can’t even stand and he looks at the snake. The snake looks at him, and he’s like “Okay, show is done. Goodnight everybody. Goodbye. “Goodbye.” He runs off. And all of us now are like, “What the hell just happened?” He runs off, I have questions in my head. Like is he going to be okay? Do we get our money back? How does this work? And then we turn back and we realize. He’s forgotten his snake. [surprised laughter] And you know what the worst thing was? It seemed like the snake realized the same thing at the same time. Because the snake also watched him leave and then as we turned back, the snake was also like, “Oh shit.” And so now, it’s just us, and the snake. And mind you, there’s no barrier, right. There’s no concrete. There’s no glass. There’s nothing. It’s an authentic Balinese experience. So we’re all staring at the snake. The snake is staring at us. And then, one genius decided now would be the perfect time to get an Instagram picture. And I don’t know if it was the camera, the sound, or the flash. All I heard was “click,” and the snake jumped up and was like… [hisses] And we were all like… arghhhh. And then it was chaos. Pandemonium ensued. Don’t forget, I was at the back. So I just jumped. I was like, “Being black saved me!”I [applause] I was out. [whooping] Panic ensued. Everyone jumps up, people are trying to scramble trampling over each other. The French guy was my favorite, he jumps up, and he was like, “Sacre bleu!” [speaking French] Le serpent, le serpent! [shouting] “Allez, Jean-Pierre, allez.” And he’s pushing the people and running. “Allez! Jean-Pierre. Jean-Pierre.” And when he turns, his son hasn’t moved, right? So, little Jean-Pierre is planted to the spot, terrified. And you see his face like, “Papa! Papa!” He was like, “Allez, Jean-Pierre. Mon ami.” Papa! Papa! And so the dad realizes he’s got to go back in and save his kid. But this is one of those moments where you can see the fundamental difference between mothers and fathers. Right? Because a mother would run in without thinking, and she would be like, “I will die for my child. Strike me now, snake.” Right, that’s moms. Dads will save their kid, but in the back of their head, they’re thinking, “I’m going to save my kid. But I don’t want to die. I mean– I don’t want to die because this dumbass didn’t know to run when his dad was running. I mean, there’s a snake and I start running, why wouldn’t you run at the same time? Now I’ve got to die for your dumb ass, which makes no sense, because I can make another one of you, you can’t make another one of me. I should just make you a brother and we can mourn your dumbass death together. I don’t know why we’re doing this right now.” I think that’s what the dad was thinking. Because he didn’t fully commit. Instead, he tried to sneak in behind his kid. Then he grabs the back of his hoodie and yanks him to safety. So now, little Jean-Pierre’s choking on the ground. [choking sounds] Papa! And he finally gets him to the side. Another snake charmer comes running out, grabs the snake, puts it in the sack, and finally danger is averted. Everybody’s safe. Everyone is safe but terrified. Some people are crying, others are in shock. I’m standing on the side, watching all of this. Little Jean-Pierre is with his dad, both in tears. “Desolé mon ami. Desolé Jean-Pierre” Papa! [makes up French sounds] And I don’t speak French, but I know this kid was like, “You asshole, you left me. I’m going to tell Mom.” [applause] And so, I’m staring at them, and I guess they could feel that I was staring. So they both stopped at the same time. And they turned and looked at me and I looked at them. And in that moment, in that moment I realized we’re all human beings. We all experienced the same thing, we went through the same trauma. No matter what happened to us before, we are all human beings. They looked at me, I could see in their eyes what they’d just experienced, what I experienced. And in that pause, I bent down, and I got real close to them and I was like, “Snake.” [whooping] [content sigh] [prolonged applause] That’s how racism starts. But you know what? It was worth it. Yeah, it was worth it. [exhales] I love traveling, man. I love traveling, learning about places. Reading things and meeting new people. I er… When I think about the history of racism– I’m fascinated by racism as a concept, you know, as an action, a policy… All of it fascinates me. I read these stories in history. And one of the most fascinating things I read about recently, one of the most fascinating places, was a place called, Rochester, New York. Where– Genuinely, this blew my mind, they had a city which was basically dedicated to rehabilitating people who had escaped slavery. So, black people who escaped the South, gone into the North, were rehabilitated at this place. Frederick Douglass wrote many of his works there. the suffragette movement kicked off there. It’s a powerful little place. I was reading these stories, and what they would do is, slaves would escape from the South, they’d make their way to the North. Get to Rochester, the Underground Railroad got them there. And then they would rehabilitate them, put them on boats, and send them to Canada so that they could live free. And I was like, “That’s a fascinating story,” for two reasons: one, it reminds you there were a lot of good people, white people, out there. I often get angry at white people then I’m like, “No, there’s good ones. Calm down.” Um… And the second part of it that was amazing was that they convinced black people to get back on boats. I think [applause] that’s one of the most amazing stories I’ve ever read. Because, do you know how convincing you’d have to be to convince someone who’s just escaped slavery? Think about that for a second. Somebody’s just escaped slavery. They’ve made their way there finally, they wake up after one night of free sleep, and they walk out and it’s just like, “Hey, man. I just want to say thank you so much for everything you did for me, man.” “You know what, my friend? Nobody deserves to live how you lived, and I’m glad we got you out.” “Thank you so much. I appreciate you, brother.” “Thank you, my friend. Okay, all we’ve got to do now is get you some paperwork, get you cleaned up, put you on a boat, get you to Canada, and you can live a free life. Everything will be better.” “I’m sorry. Hold up. Er… Yeah, could you– Come again? You? What did you say?” “I know the paperwork thing is weird, but we’ve got to get you some identification.” “No, you said something about a boat?” “We’ll put you on a boat to get you to Canada.” “Yeah. No, I don’t– Yeah, we don’t do boats no more. I don’t know if you know our history but me and my people, we took a cruise one time. That shit didn’t go so well. So yeah, we’ve got to find another way to get to Canada if you don’t mind.” “But the boat is the best way for us to get there from Rochester.” “Yeah, that might be the best way for y’all. But we gon’ walk. Hell we can run, we can run real good. We can run, but we ain’t getting on no boat.” “My friend, you’ve got to get on the boat.” “Man, I ain’t got to do shit. I just got free. Imagine if I get on that boat, and on the other side it’s the same? What will they say to me? -‘Why’d you get on the boat?’ -‘He was real nice.’ Hell no! I ain’t getting on no boat.” “You’ve got to get on the boat, though. You’re free now. You’ve got to get over this.” “Maybe one day, in a few hundred years, one of my descendants named Kanye West will be over this shit, but I ain’t over it now. [loud laughter and applause] So, I ain’t getting on no boat.” [shouting] “We got to get you on the boat, dammit.” “I’m not getting on no boat.” And that was the day the phrase, “N i g g a, please” was invented. [loud laughter] [whooping laughter] The white man turned and went, “N i g g a, please, I need you on that boat.” And that story was passed down generation to generation, black person to black person, free man to free man. “And that white man got down on his knees, and he said, ‘N i g g a, please.'” -“N i g g a please?” -“N i g g a, please. I ain’t never heard that phrase before in my life. -N i g g a, please… N i g g a please. -N i g g a, please?” I know that’s probably a phrase Barack Obama used at least once in the White House. At least once. Like, “Mr. President, do you think Trump is because of you? -Do you think you caused this?” -“N i g g a, please.” Just one time, one time. I know he used it. Actually, I had the pleasure of meeting President Obama while he was in office. Probably one of the craziest experiences I’ve ever had in my life. Yeah, I was… [cheering] It came out of nowhere. It came out of nowhere. I was at The Daily Show, I was in my office and I got a phone call from the administration. And someone on the other end was like, “Hi, Trevor. Would you like to interview the President of the U.S. in the White House?” And I was like, “Do you ask stupid questions?” I was like, “Of course I want to meet the President of the United States. Are you serious?” And the day finally came. I went to DC with my TV crew. And they set us up in a room, which was literally opposite the Oval Office. We put all our cameras in place. All we’re doing now is waiting for the President to arrive. So we’re staring at the door with baited breath. And the reason we’re staring is they don’t give you an exact time of the President’s arrival, for his safety. So they just give you a window, like the cable guy. [laughter] So we’re all waiting there, listening to every footstep, every moment, and then he just popped in behind us, scared the shit out of everybody. Yeah. There’s a secret door, but they don’t tell you. Again for safety. Right. We’re staring at the door and suddenly he’s like, “Hello.” I was like… arghhh! But I had a great time in the interview with him. He was really kind to everyone in the room, and then we turned off the cameras, and I promise you, he became even nicer, we just had a conversation. I thought he’d leave. He’s President of the U.S., he’s got to go do something. And he just chilled for a bit, you know? And we spoke as human beings, and it went really well until he turned to me and he said, “Trevor, I’ve got a show that I’m doing in a few weeks, a little thing, I thought maybe you’d want to pop by and perform, if you don’t mind.” I said, “Mr. President, I would be honored. Just let me know when and where. What’s the show going to be for, sir?” He said, “Trevor, I’m doing a little thing for my aides, and I thought maybe you’d want to be there.” I said, “I would love to, thank you. I’m sorry, a show for what?” He said, “For my aides, Trevor.” I said, “You have AIDS?” [laughter] And then– And then he explained what he meant. And I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. [loud laughter] Because I had just looked at the President of the United States, and asked him if he had AIDS. And the worst thing is that he was nice to me as well. ‘Cause I said that and then he explained and I was like, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I don’t even know why– You said “aides”, and then AIDS…” Because, here’s the thing. In my defense, I get it now. He means aides, as in the White House aides the people who help the President. I get it now. But in my defense, where I’m from AIDS is some other shit that doesn’t help anybody. No one in Africa is walking around saying, “Let me introduce you to my AIDS.” So now I’m here. I’m frazzled. I’m like, “Mr. President, I’m so sorry. [speaking fast] I didn’t mean that. You don’t have AIDS, even if you did there’s nothing wrong with having AIDS. There’s no stigma. Actually, I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m so sorry.” He was like, “Trevor, Trevor, calm down, Trevor. Trevor, Trevor calm down.” “I’m so sorry, Mr. President, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m the dumbest person you ever met. He was like, “Trevor, Trevor,” “I’m the dumbest person you’ve ever met.” He was like, “No, Trevor that’s not true. I’ve met Trump.” [loud laughter] Get out of here! [cheering] So smooth. I’m used to it in life, though. This is something that commonly happens to me, living in the US. You know. I understand it as an idea. If you move to another country, you’re probably gonna have to learn another language. I didn’t realize that would happen in America, because I speak English. But here, people speak American. Similar, but not the same. Alright? Like small things change, small things. I accept that, small things like pronunciation. For instance the thing you drink, I call that “water”. Yes, water, in American you say “wadder”. Right? “Wadder”. Yeah. I say “water” because there’s a T in the word. Right? Erm… The glass you see yourself in every morning, I refer to that as “a mirror”. Yeah? Alright? In American you say “Ameer”, right? “Ameer”, which is not the same thing to me. A mirror is the glass, Ameer is a Middle Eastern man, very different experience. It’s not the same thing. That’s just pronunciation, right. You also have to learn the meanings of words that you already knew when you move to America. For instance, where I’m from there’s a garment that men commonly wear under their shirts. It’s white and it’s sleeveless. Where I’m from, we refer to this as a “vest”. Okay? I’ve now learned, in American, it is known as a “wife beater”. -Yeah, I have so many questions. -[laughter] And so the best and worst experience I had learning American happened to me when I actually first moved to the US. I lived in California, in Pasadena when I first came to the United States, right. and the reason I lived in Pasadena is because that’s where I knew my first American friend, a guy by the name of David Meyer. He came to South Africa to film a documentary. We became the best of friends and one day we were hanging out in Dave’s apartment. Dave’s chilling on his bean bag, and he looks over at me and he’s like, [puts on Californian accent] “Trevor, dude, [sounding stoned] I don’t know about you right now, but I’m starving.” I said, “I think you mean you’re hungry, Dave.” He said, “What?” I said, “It doesn’t matter, what you want to eat?” [laughter] He said, “You know what I’m craving right now, man? I’m craving tacos.” I said, “That sounds like fun. Let’s do it, man. Let’s go to Tacos.” “What?” “Isn’t that the restaurant you’re craving? Tacos?” “Are you being serious right now? You’ve never had tacos?” “No, I don’t know what tacos is.” [raising voice] “You’ve never had tacos?” “My answer hasn’t changed from now, Dave. No.” -“I’ve never had tacos.” -“You’ve never had tacos?” And by the way, I hate it when people do that. You know when people ask you the same question over and over again, they can’t believe you haven’t had the same life experience? You know that thing they do? With everything, “Oh my God, have you heard the new Beyoncé?” -No. -You haven’t heard the new Beyoncé? -No, I haven’t– -You haven’t heard the– ? Oh no, now I have. No, I’d never had tacos, right. I’d never had tacos, because in South Africa, we don’t really have Mexican food. We don’t have Mexican food, because we don’t have Mexicans. They never came over. It’s not my fault. Dave was personally offended. I’ll never forget, he jumped up and he was like, “Dude. I cannot believe you’ve been in America all this time and you’ve never had tacos.” I said, “Dave why is it such a big deal?” He’s like, “Because, Trevor, nothing says America like tacos.” [whooping and applause] I said, “Really? Nothing says America like Mexican food?” And, you know, what’s funny is I feel like in that moment, Dave was being profound. He didn’t even realize it, but that was a profound little nugget that he had just espoused. Nothing says America like tacos. I’ve had the privilege of traveling everywhere in this beautiful country. I’ve been to places like Erie, Pennsylvania; El Paso, Texas; Honolulu, Hawaii, you know. I’ve been everywhere, and one thing I’ve learned across the board in America, is that Americans love tacos. applause] Everywhere you go, Americans love tacos. Love tacos. Even people you wouldn’t expect. I was watching the news one day, and there was a guy at a rally, and they were asking him about immigration and families being separated, etc. And this guy, regardless of his politics, he was being really mean and xenophobic, and racist. You know, just acting real presidential. And the journalist asked him, the journalist asked him about children and he just went straight in, he was like, “Boy, I tell you what, I don’t give a damn about any of these goddamn Mexicans. They came over here. They ain’t supposed to be here, boy. Wooo! It’s our country now, you hear? That’s right, boy. Go back to where you came from. Wooo! These Mexicans ain’t done nothing good. Ain’t brought nothing good to America. We don’t need y’all. Come on, Bubba. It’s Taco Tuesday.” Get out of here, but leave the recipes. [laughter] I feel like there should be a rule in America, they should say, you can hate immigrants all you want, but if you do, you don’t get to eat their food. -[cheering] -Yeah? [whooping] That’s a fair exchange to me. You hate immigrants, -no immigrant food. [applause] And when I say no immigrant food, I mean no immigrant food. Nothing. No Mexican food. No Caribbean food. No Dominican food. No Asian food. Nothing. Only potatoes. [laughter] And I’m not even saying flavored potatoes. I’m saying plain potatoes. No spice. Because no immigrants, no spice. Don’t ever forget that. Both figuratively and literally, no spice. And I know some people would take that. I know. I know people now who’d be like, You know what? Take your immigrants, take your spice and get the hell out of here. You say that now, because you’ve never lived a life without spice. But don’t ever forget. A life without spice was so hard, so hard, that it made white people sail around the world to find it. [whooping] And like… [whistling and applause] This wasn’t regular sailing, this wasn’t like a Disney cruise. These people sailed at a time when they believed if you went that way, you would fall off the edge of the Earth and die. And still, some man out there was eating some white ladies cooking and he was like, [English accent] “I can’t do this shit anymore. I’m sailing that way.” “But what if you die?” “At least it’s exciting.” No immigrants, no spice. And definitely no tacos. I know my friend Dave would never allow that. I’ve never seen him so passionate. He gave me a speech about tacos like he was the heir to a taco dynasty. Finally, he turned to me and said, “As your friend and as an American, I’m going to make sure that you get tacos if it’s the last thing I ever do!” I was like, “Why don’t we just go now?” He was like, “That’ll work.” You know what my favorite part of any conversation is? When people think you’re gonna argue with them, but you agree and they’ve already chosen anger. Because nobody just changes their tone. Everyone has to stick in the anger for a while because they think it makes them seem less crazy. It happens in relationships all the time. You’ll have a fight that’s not a fight. You know? You’ll be like, “Goddamnit Karen, every time I ask for support, you’re not there for me, and it hurts me sometimes.” “You know what, Bob, I’m sorry.” “No, don’t try and– Thank you very much. I didn’t think you would apologize and so I chose this tone. And now I feel like an idiot. I’m going to leave the room and reset.” I wasn’t going to fight, I want to have tacos. Let’s go get tacos, Dave. So we rolled together, jumped into the car. And so we drove for about 20 minutes. To what I thought was going to be a restaurant. [nervous laughter] Instead, Dave pulls over into an abandoned parking lot. [whooping] He kills the engine, looks over at me and goes, “Alright, dude. We’re here.” I was like, “Where, at my murder scene?” He was like, “No dude, we’re getting tacos. Over there.” He points, in the corner of the parking lot was a truck. A food truck, which I’ve learned is common in America. Some of the best food you find is on a food truck. But at that point in time, you’ll have to forgive me, I was little bit apprehensive. Okay? I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of getting food from an establishment -that wouldn’t be there the next day. -[laughter] I feel like there’s a certain level of accountability that comes with permanence. Dave was adamant, though. He’s like, “You gotta get it from a truck. That’s how you know it’s real.” I was like, “Let’s just get this over with, let’s do it.” So I hop out of the car, walk up to the truck, and it was definitely a taco truck, because there was a sign above it flashing that read “Tacos”. Tacos. [neon lightbulb sound] Tacos. [neon lightbulb sound] By the way, weird piece of trivia about me as a person, I hate signs that flash but don’t change. Yeah, I always feel like a sign shouldn’t be allowed to flash unless it intermittently changes to some other information. Otherwise, I think that’s wasted suspense. It should be illegal. It always catches my eye and then I wait for something else, Like, “Tacos” and “Tacos”. And what else? “Tacos.” Anything else? “Tacos.” [shouting] Just stay on Tacos. Anyway, now I’m irritated. I walk up to the truck. I get there, this little dude pops out. He was a completely different mood to me. You could tell. He popped his head out, “Hey, how you doing, man? [Mexican accent] You want some tacos?” I said, “It would be awkward if we didn’t.” He says, “What? Oh, yeah. Of course man, of course, but you never know. Maybe you want something else. Yeah?” I said, “What else do you have, my friend?” He said, “Nothing man, it’s a taco truck.” I said, “Oh, thank you. That’s a moment of my life I’ll never get back. Thank you very much.” He said, “No, no, no. [speaking Spanish] Calma-te, man. I just don’t want to waste your time. You want tacos, let’s do tacos. How many tacos you want, my friend?” I said, “I don’t know how many tacos to get. I’ve never had tacos before.” “You’ve never had tacos?” -I said, “No, I haven’t.” -“You’ve never… had tacos?” I was like, “You should meet my friend Dave.” Because I’m not going to order food when I don’t know what it is. Okay, I don’t know what the quantities are. I don’t know what tacos are, what a taco is. I don’t know what a taco be. What do you say? How many do you get? Because if I go, “Give me five.” What if tacos are like little pigs or something? And I’m like, “Give me five!” Next thing I know, I’m walking home… [pig squeals] “And that’s how I started my farm.” I have no clue what these things are. So, I’m like, “Yo man, I just want to try the food. Just give me enough to try.” He said “Okay. You just trying it out, two tacos is enough.” I said, “Okay, give me 2 tacos.” “Two tacos coming up!” The guy goes to the back, starts preparing the food. I have no clue what’s coming out. Comes back a few minutes later, “Hey, my friend.” Your tacos are ready. I was like, “Thank you very much.” “Yeah, you want you want a napkin?” -“I’m sorry, what?” -“Do want a napkin?” And now, LA, this is where it gets weird for me. [muted laughter] Because, you see, where I’m from, napkins are the things babies wear [laughter] to hold their shit. [loud laughter] The thing for your mouth, we call a serviette. But I didn’t know that, so at this point this man turned to me, offered me food and then said, “You want a napkin?” I said, “I’m sorry, I’m confused. Wh– Why would I want a napkin?” “You know, man. For the mess afterwards?” [loud laughter] [applause] He said for the mess. “How instant is it that I’d need a napkin?” “Hey man, you never know with tacos, man. One minute you think you got it, the next thing, it’s coming out.” It sounds like the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my life. He said, “No it’s part of the experience. Everybody does it, man. You make a mess, you clean up, you come back and try again. You know?” I said, “That’s an experience I don’t want to have, not gonna lie.” -I’m going to skip it. -You’re not going to try my food? I said, “I’ll try the food. But I’m not gonna take the napkin, man.” He says, “What are you going to do?” I say, “If it’s as crazy as you say, I’ll just eat the taco in the car on the way home.” “Oh… You think you’re safe. You’re going to be driving? Somebody swerves, you hit the brakes. Splat! It’s coming out. Don’t be a hero, man. Just take the napkin.” I said, “Alright, I’m not being a hero right now. I’m just being a grown-ass man. Okay? If it gets really bad, I’ll just squeeze super tight until I get to where I’m going.” He’s like, “That’s the problem. Some people don’t know, they squeeze too tight, then the juice comes spraying out even more. It can spray on your pants and on your shirt…” I’m like, “On my shirt?” “How did this shit get onto my shirt?” Is it just bouncing on the ground and ricocheting up? -What the hell is in this?” -“Hey man. You want the napkin or not?” “I don’t even want your tacos right now, dude.” So much stress. Now I love tacos. [laughter] [whooping] [applause] Yeah. I love tacos. I love Mexican food. I love Mexican people. [whooping] I don’t even know what it is. I think it’s just people. We have a connection, you know. South Africans and Mexicans. People from shithole countries. We have this thing. I still can’t believe the things Donald Trump says. He’s such a– For me, Donald Trump is an emotional paradox. I’m not going to lie. You know. Logically, I can process him, emotionally I struggle. On the one hand, I will admit, I wake up many days terrified at the notion that he’s president of the most powerful nation in the world. But I also must admit I wake up many days knowing he’s going to make me laugh. There’s terror and there’s joy, and I don’t know how to feel. You know what it feels like sometimes? It feels like there’s a giant asteroid headed towards the Earth. But it’s shaped like a penis. [laughter] Like, I think I’m going to die. But I know I’m going to laugh. Just look at everything that he does. The world we now live in because of him. You realize we’re living through history. You know. This will never happen in our lifetimes again. We’re living through a time when we are all learning about the presidency at the same time as the president. That’s never happened. [whooping] How wild is that concept? You wake up everyday reading the news, and you’re like, “Wow, I didn’t know that.” And somewhere, at that exact same moment, he’s reading the same news going, “Wow, me too.” And nobody knows where it’s gonna lead. Nobody knows what he’s gonna do. All we know is that he wants his wall. He wants his wall. Donald Trump wants his wall. He needs 25 billion dollars the last time he asked. He needs it from American taxpayers because Mexico is smart. [man whoops] That fell apart real quick. Remember how confident he was at the rallies? People cheering for him. He was like, [imitates Trump] “Folks, we’re gonna build [softly] a wall. [laughter] We’re going to build a wall, folks. Who’s going to pay? Mexico.” Mexico was like, “We ain’t paying for shit, man. [applause] We might build it, but we’re not going to pay for it, man.” And if you’ve been following the journey of the wall, but it’s probably the best comedy on TV. Right? Because now they’ve started building prototypes of the wall at the border, because Donald Trump said he wants them to test the wall first. I don’t know how you do that. They’re like, “Try again.” [laughter] And because of the prototypes, Donald Trump now has specifications for the wall. He now says he wants the wall to be made out of concrete, but he also needs the wall to be see-through. Alright. And the reason the president wants the wall to be see-through is because he said he’s afraid that drug dealers from Mexico are going to shoot bags of drugs over the wall. And they’re going to hit Americans on the head as they walk by. So he needs the wall to be see-through, so that Americans can see the drugs coming and catch it. [applause] I’m not going to lie. I don’t know what a see-through wall is. But at this point, I’m just worried that a contractor will come along and trick the president. He’ll take him to the border and be like, “There it is, Mr.Trump. Your invisible wall.” [applause and whooping] And then just to make sure he buys it, he’s going to hire a troupe of Mexican mimes to be like, “Oh my God, you can’t get through it.” [impersonating Trump] It works. The mind of Donald Trump. The other idea he had for the wall, was he said America should build the wall out of solar panels. That’s what he said. He said America should build the wall out of solar panels because that way the wall would generate electricity and pay for itself. Yeah. Now, I’m not going to lie. That’s a good idea, right. It’s a good idea, unless you know anything about solar panels, or the Sun or walls. The problem with that idea is that the Sun is up. Yeah? Do we all agree on that? We still on the same page? The Sun is up, right? Er, a solar panel wall won’t work, because a wall is like this. So, technically it’s facing down. So, unless you have a really swaggy sun. That’s like, “Yeah, I shine real low, B.” It’s not going to work for you. The only way it works is if you take your board or solar panel and lean it at an angle to get the sun rays, but if you do that, you’ve created a giant ramp for Mexicans to shoot into America. -Just like, “Ora le…” -[laughter] The mind of Donald J. Trump. The J stands for Jesús. A lot of people don’t know that. -[laughter] -A lot of self-loathing going on there. And he’s always going after someone, right? He’s always going after someone. If it’s not Mexicans, it’s Muslims. If it’s not Muslims, it’s Africans from shithole countries. That one was my favorite, personally, because I am an African. I have shat in a hole. Um… I also liked it because people came up to me and asked me questions. There’s one man who came up to me after a show, really concerned. He was like, “Trevor… Hey, can I ask you a question?” I said, “Yeah, go ahead, my friend.” He said, “Trevor, I just want to know, when Donald Trump says all these horribly racist things, do you sometimes just want to pack it up, leave America, go back to South Africa and escape all this racism?” [laughter] I said, “My friend, you don’t go to South Africa to escape racism. That’s where you go to stock up.” Are you kidding me? That’s the one thing that reminds me of home. The racism out here. Cause we’ve got tons of racism in South Africa and don’t get me wrong, it’s gotten a lot better. When I was growing up, we had Apartheid. Erm and, you know, Apartheid was basically the best racism in the world. Um. Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. Now you’ll feel bad and be like, “Our racism was the best.” No, it wasn’t. -It was good, but not the best. -[laughter] And I experienced a bunch of racism and everyone did. I never felt like it was a bad thing, mostly because of my family. You know, my, my mother is a black woman, a Xhosa woman. My father is Swiss from Switzerland, and them being a couple was against the law, and that was a problem for us living together. And so we experienced a ton of racism. In case you’re wondering, yes. Xhosa is one of the languages with the clicks in it. [speaking Xhosa] But not like in American movies, just so you know. I’ve seen those movies where they have Africans, and they’re like… [exaggerated clicking] [exaggerated gibberish] That’s not a language. Even we watch those movies, and we’re like… “I wonder what they are saying, yeah?” “Where are they from?” “I think they from Cleveland?” [laughter] It’s not just clicks, the clicks are consonants. We still have vowels. I grew up in this family and we couldn’t live together. I could live with my mom, but my dad couldn’t live with us, it was illegal. And, and… people would be racist to us all the time. But I was really lucky growing up, because my mom is probably the most gangster human being you’ll ever meet in your life. Nothing got to her. -Nothing fazed her. [applause] I remember one day in particular, walking through the streets together. And some guy across the road shouted something really mean at us. And I was about four or five years old and I turned and looked at my mom and I said, “Mommy, what do we do if people do the racism to us?” My mom said, “Baby, you know what we do if somebody’s racist? We take that racism of theirs and we shake it up with the love of Jesus. And then we send it back.” And I was like, “What?” [laughter] I was like, “This lady’s crazy.” She was crazy, but she was also right. I didn’t realize how right my mother was until decades later, which I feel is what always happens with your parents, right. They’re crazy, and then you get to their age and you’re like “Oh, that’s what it means.” I only learned the lesson my mother was trying to teach me when I was a grown man. I was walking through the streets of Chicago, minding my own business. Some guy drove by in a pickup truck and called me the n-word. And I’m not going to lie. I was disappointed. Mostly because he was driving a pickup truck. Yeah, I just feel like that was an unnecessary stereotype that he didn’t need to perpetuate. You know… I feel like if you’re going to be racist, do something different. Think outside the box. Drive a Prius. -[laughter] -Yeah. It’s better for the environment and it’s quiet. You can sneak up on me. We both win. But no, the guy was, he was driving a pickup truck. Called me the n-word. Oh! To give you the full story, I was jaywalking. I was jaywalking. And I won’t tell you this to justify what he did, I just want you to know that I’m no angel. Okay? Yeah. I was crossing the road and then the light turned red for me, but I decided to walk anyways, because I don’t see color. [audience member] Oh my God! And this man… This man was so offended by what I had done that he drove his truck around me rolled the window down, looked me dead in the eye, and he was like, “Get out of the road, n i g g e r.” Oh, you could see he wanted to hurt me. We locked eyes and I could see in that moment, he was waiting for me to be like… [slow motion “No”] [mock gunshot sound] What that man didn’t know was where I was from. More importantly, who he didn’t know was my mother. [applause] Because he thought it was just going to be a regular racist day. [laughter] He thought he was gonna drive by, throw the n-word out, carry on with his life. He didn’t realize that that was the son of Patricia stepping into the road. And it happened in a moment, but it lasted a lifetime. Because I didn’t even think. He shouted that word and out of nowhere, my body was like… [laughter] I was like, “Oh shit, this is it!” [loud laughter] And let me tell you something, LA, it was so beautiful, because I didn’t plan it. I didn’t think about it. All I know is I stepped into the road, he drove his truck around, rolled the window, looked me dead in the eye, said, “Get out of the road, n i g g e r.” And I turned and and I was like, “Yo, my n i g g a.” [laughter and applause] And he almost crashed and died. -[laughter] Yeah, I’ve never seen a human being question themselves so many times in a split-second in my life. Because I was smiling and I could see in his face he was like, “Wait, do I know you? Do I look like someone you know?” And I don’t know why he did this, but I’ll never forget it. He looked at his hands. He looked at his hands like they’d somehow magically turned black. Like I had cursed him with a n i g g e r bomb. I don’t know what he was thinking. Oh… I actually felt bad for him, man. Because I’ve been called that word before, but that was his first time. You never forget your first time, you know? I’m sorry. I’m not going to– Is that what he wants? He wants to throw that word and my day’s spoiled? That’s how it is? He says, “N i g g e r!” [childish tone] “He called me a n i g g e r.” I don’t have time for that. My mom always used to say. She said you can’t control what people do to you, but you can control how you react. So I promised myself. I said, “I’ll never give a racist person the pleasure of seeing my pain.” It may be painful, may be hurtful, but I won’t give them the pleasure of seeing my pain. [applause and whistling] Someone says something racist, I take that racism, shake it up with the love of Jesus, send it right back. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not always easy. Not everyone can do the same thing. Not everyone should. I also understand that for me it is a little bit different. You don’t I have a privilege in that I come from a country where the word “n i g g e r” was never used to oppress anybody. I mean we had another word, we had the best racism. Come on now. But not that word. That word we had was a word “kaffir”. So we have another word, same thing. It’s crazy to me sometimes. Same racism, different word. And here it means nothing, right? “Kaffir. Kaffir”? Nothing. Some people are like, “Is that like a probiotic? Is that what that is?” Yeah, the probiotic of my pain. We don’t have that in our supermarkets. For obvious reasons. No one warned me in America. I walk down the dairy aisle, I was like, “Yogurt, ice cream… [screams] This lactose is intolerant.” So it’s different around the world. I get that. You know. It’s a privilege I have in dealing with the n-word. You know, in South Africa, no one was called a n i g g e r. All over Africa no one was oppressed using that word. So that word has no power. Anywhere you go. “N i g g e r, n i g g e r, n i g g e r…” Nothing. Whereas right now I can feel the tension in this room. I can feel it. Some people are like, “Goddamn it, was that like 7 times? I get it, Trevor. That’s my quota for the year. Come on.” I get it. It got me thinking that maybe we could use that. We could use that discrepancy to help each other out, and create a program where you guys send all of your racist people to Africa just once a year. Because Africans will roast the shit out of them. The best part about Africa is you don’t even have to wait. Get off the plane and there’s black people everywhere. Just jump straight in, and be like, “N i g g e r, n i g g e r, n i g g e r” Yeah, and because Africa’s run and owned by black people, they’re not afraid of white people. They’ll just be like, “Jimbo, he’s back. The n i g g a man. -How are you, n i g g a?” [applause] “God dammit. I keep telling you you’re the n i g g e r.” “But you are the one who always says it, n i g g a man. Yeah, you n i g g a. Put on some sunscreen before you die, n i g g a. Let’s go party.” [applause] It would be different. That’s all I’m saying. It’s always weird for me, I won’t lie, because although no one used that word in a derogatory way, the word “n i g g e r” in South Africa does exist. Technically, right? But in my mom’s language, Xhosa, the word “n i g g a” means “to give”. That’s what “n i g g a” means in Xhosa. That’s how you use it. [speaking Xhosa] [speaking Xhosa] So, not only does that word not hurt me, when racist people use it on me, all they end up doing is bringing back fond memories of my childhood. [laughter] I get flashbacks to when I was a little kid. I’d be playing with my cousin and his toy cars I always stole his cars, I didn’t have my own. He’d start screaming, like… [crying] Mama! Mama! My mom would run into the room. She’d be like [speaking Xhosa] “What’s happening here?” And my cousin would be like, “Auntie…” [sobbing nonsense in a trap style] [audience whooping] She’d be like “Hey, hey, hey. Talk properly, I can’t hear you. What happened?” He’d be like, “Trevor stole my toys.” And my mom would be like, “Trevor, did you steal your cousin’s toys?” I’d say, “No, Mom, I didn’t steal, Mom. -I promise I didn’t steal.” -“Trevor… [speaks Xhosa] Don’t lie to me. Did you steal those toys?” I said, “No, mom. I didn’t steal anything. What happened was his cars were parked illegally, Mom. [laughter] And so I had to tow them, because you can’t live in this society without laws. I mean, even me, I’m just a humble civil servant at the end of the day, Mom. Without laws, we descend into chaos, Mom. If you think about it, that’s all that’s holding us up. As a civilization it’s the only thing that keeps us–” She’d be like, “Hey, don’t come here with that smart mouth of yours. Give those toys back.” I said, “Mom, please. I just want to play–“ [speaks Xhosa] “Give those toys back. Give those toys back.” And I’d be like “Mom” and she’d be like “Hey, n i g g e r”. [speaks Xhosa repeatedly saying ‘n i g g e r’] And my cousin would be there like, “N i g g a, please.” [laughter] Yo LA, you guys have been so much fun tonight. [loud whooping] [continued cheering] Thank you so much for coming out and joining me. I appreciate you all so much. Have a good night, everybody. [speaks Xhosa] [hip hop outro begins] [applause and whooping] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-allen-first-day-at-school-transcript/ | DAVE ALLEN: FIRST DAY AT CATHOLIC SCHOOL [TRANSCRIPT] | dave allen | Dave Allen on his first day at Catholic school. A reminder that the best comedy is truth: just by re-stating exactly what the church preaches, it exposes its absurdity. I went to the school in a little village called Raheny (Rath Eanna) in county Dublin. My first day. The school. This convent. Long winding driveway up to it. One of those gothic doors. Great studs in it. I rang the bell and it opened [creaking sound of the door opening]. And there’s one of these nuns, flapping. Terrifying. Terrifying. Three and a half years of age. Terrifying. What do you want little boy? [Terrified] My mommy, my mommy and daddy said I had to come here. Yes, well, if you come here you’ve got to be a good little boy. Will you be a good little boy? And I could see past her. And there was a fellow nailed to a cross. I thought: You’re bloody right I’ll be a good little boy. [Applause] First question they ask: What do you know about God? Who is God? God? You do not know who God is? Sister, sister we have an atheist here.
Let me tell you a little boy. God is, God was and God always will be. What? What is… What’s that? He is the Father, he is the Son and he is the Holy Ghost. He is three in one. Do you understand? At four years of age, why wouldn’t I? There people in one and I’m imagining, Yeah… Where is he? He is here. Where? I can’t see him. That doesn’t mean because you can’t see him that he is not here. It doesn’t? He is in the cupboard. He’s not in the cupboard! God doesn’t go into cupboards. He’s under the stairs. He’s not the stairs. He’s here with us now. He’s upstairs. He’s downstairs. He’s outside. He’s inside. He’s everywhere. And I think. If he’s so bi, why can’t I see him? I’m asked, do you love him? What? Do you love him? I don’t know. I’ve never seen him. God loves you. Thank you. And he wants your love. Thank you. But if you do not give him your love, he will cast you into everlasting flame. What? He will cast you into everlasting flame. Have you ever burnt yourself? Yes, I burnt myself on the candle. What was it like? Well… there’s… sore. Can you imagine that pain all over your body? That’s what will happen to you if you do not love God. What do you think of that? I LOVE HIM! Then I asked, who is the fellow on the cross? Jesus. Who’s Jesus? He’s the son of God. I told you. The Father, the Son and Holy Ghost. He’s the son of God. He was born on Christmas day and died on Easter. I didn’t he didn’t hang around, did he? What happened to him? He died because of you. What? Christ died on the cross because of your sins. When was this? It was two thousand years ago. You can’t blame me. I’m only four. I didn’t do nothing. Did he have a daddy? Of course, he had a daddy. I’ve told you he had daddy. God was his daddy. And he had a mommy? Yes, he had a mommy. Mary was his mommy. So God was married to Mary. No, God was not married to Mary. Mary was married to Joseph. Shut up. Between my parents and the church one ends scrambled I learned to bless myself. First time I learned to bless myself was sadly when my uncle died. And he was been buried in a kind of remote part on the Dublin mountains. And it was a real funeral day. The wind was whipping down. The rain. And I’m only this big, and I’m kind of wandering around between these legs and this black crowd and umbrellas and dripping rain. This bloody hole in the ground. And I’m watching the coffin be lowered into the ground and I hear the priest say, what I think “In the name of the Father and the Son and into the hole he goes.” That’s how I blessed myself for years. In the name of the Father and the Son and into the hole he goes. What did you say? In the name of the Father and the Son and into the hole he goes. Into the Holy Ghost, he goes into the Holy Ghost, he didn’t go into a hole. I was there. I saw him. He went into a hole!
| A reminder that the best comedy is truth: just by re-stating exactly what the church preaches, it exposes its absurdity. I went to the school in a little village called Raheny (Rath Eanna) in county Dublin. My first day. The school. This convent. Long winding driveway up to it. One of those gothic doors. Great studs in it. I rang the bell and it opened [creaking sound of the door opening]. And there’s one of these nuns, flapping. Terrifying. Terrifying. Three and a half years of age. Terrifying. What do you want little boy? [Terrified] My mommy, my mommy and daddy said I had to come here. Yes, well, if you come here you’ve got to be a good little boy. Will you be a good little boy? And I could see past her. And there was a fellow nailed to a cross. I thought: You’re bloody right I’ll be a good little boy. [Applause] First question they ask: What do you know about God? Who is God? God? You do not know who God is? Sister, sister we have an atheist here. Let me tell you a little boy. God is, God was and God always will be. What? What is… What’s that? He is the Father, he is the Son and he is the Holy Ghost. He is three in one. Do you understand? At four years of age, why wouldn’t I? There people in one and I’m imagining, Yeah… Where is he? He is here. Where? I can’t see him. That doesn’t mean because you can’t see him that he is not here. It doesn’t? He is in the cupboard. He’s not in the cupboard! God doesn’t go into cupboards. He’s under the stairs. He’s not the stairs. He’s here with us now. He’s upstairs. He’s downstairs. He’s outside. He’s inside. He’s everywhere. And I think. If he’s so bi, why can’t I see him? I’m asked, do you love him? What? Do you love him? I don’t know. I’ve never seen him. God loves you. Thank you. And he wants your love. Thank you. But if you do not give him your love, he will cast you into everlasting flame. What? He will cast you into everlasting flame. Have you ever burnt yourself? Yes, I burnt myself on the candle. What was it like? Well… there’s… sore. Can you imagine that pain all over your body? That’s what will happen to you if you do not love God. What do you think of that? I LOVE HIM! Then I asked, who is the fellow on the cross? Jesus. Who’s Jesus? He’s the son of God. I told you. The Father, the Son and Holy Ghost. He’s the son of God. He was born on Christmas day and died on Easter. I didn’t he didn’t hang around, did he? What happened to him? He died because of you. What? Christ died on the cross because of your sins. When was this? It was two thousand years ago. You can’t blame me. I’m only four. I didn’t do nothing. Did he have a daddy? Of course, he had a daddy. I’ve told you he had daddy. God was his daddy. And he had a mommy? Yes, he had a mommy. Mary was his mommy. So God was married to Mary. No, God was not married to Mary. Mary was married to Joseph. Shut up. Between my parents and the church one ends scrambled I learned to bless myself. First time I learned to bless myself was sadly when my uncle died. And he was been buried in a kind of remote part on the Dublin mountains. And it was a real funeral day. The wind was whipping down. The rain. And I’m only this big, and I’m kind of wandering around between these legs and this black crowd and umbrellas and dripping rain. This bloody hole in the ground. And I’m watching the coffin be lowered into the ground and I hear the priest say, what I think “In the name of the Father and the Son and into the hole he goes.” That’s how I blessed myself for years. In the name of the Father and the Son and into the hole he goes. What did you say? In the name of the Father and the Son and into the hole he goes. Into the Holy Ghost, he goes into the Holy Ghost, he didn’t go into a hole. I was there. I saw him. He went into a hole! |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-peters-almost-famous-2016-full-transcript/ | RUSSELL PETERS: ALMOST FAMOUS (2016) – Full Transcript | russell peters | -Yeah, Russell! Oi, Russell! Your mother is so fat. What the hell did you say to me? Do I look like Ryan’s mom? Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad. Oh, DDR. So good. His best buddy is in the house. Best what? Best buddy. Oh, my God. Thank you. All right! And now, ladies and gentlemen, Canada’s own and the pride of Brampton, Ontario… Toronto, give it up for your hometown boy, Russell… Peters. Hey, thank you. Thanks. All right. There you are. There you are. There’s my city. Heh. That’s it. That’s what I’m talking about. Hey, give it up for, uh, DJ Spinbad and Starting From Scratch, ladies and gentlemen. Live DJing. Live. Not dead. Live. Asian guy, how are you? Good. You’re looking very anime. -What style..? Are you Filipino? -Chinese. Chinese. That’s the main kind of Asian. That’s.. That’s the one they make the most of. They, uh… You can pick them up fairly cheap. They’re reasonably priced. They’re.. -Heh, what’s your name? -Kat Sang Bong. I’ll.. I’ll do the jokes now. Are you..? You doing comedy is like watching, well, you drive. Uh, that’s.. That’s.. How you guys doing? You good? All right. Hey, giant Asian guy. That’s a.. Crickey, you’re a big one. Um.. -What style of Asian are you? -Chinese. You’re Chinese. Look at that. -How tall are you? -Six feet. Six feet in.. In Chinese, that’s like… That’s like eight feet. Which in Chinese is a lucky number. So, that’s… -What’s your name? -Edward. Edward. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. No doubt. Absolutely I believe that. I, uh… -What’s your Chinese name, Edward? -I… I… I don’t know if you were hesitating or if that was your Chinese name. I… Well, that’s interesting. I… Oh, my God. I’m so glad this job worked out, guys, ’cause.. You can’t act like this in any other job. Do you realize that? I’d be in HR every day. -Russell, do you know why you’re here? -No. You insulted somebody. Who? Everybody. I’m not good at things Indian people are supposed to do. That’s why I do this shit for a living. Anything Indian people can do, I can’t do. I’m mad envious when I see Indian people doing smart, intelligent things that involve studying and learning how to do something good. I.. I do. Anytime I see.. Like doctors. How many doctors? Are there any doctors here tonight? Look at that. Only in my audience we have that many fucking doctors. Where’s the doctor over there? -What kind of doctor are you? -Gynecologist. Gynecologist. Oh, wow, that’s a.. Any openings? Oh, okay. All right. I… And where’s the other doctor? You, bro? -What kind of doctor are you? -Orthopedic. Orthopedic. Is that a real doctor? Let me ask the gynecologist. Uh. No. She says no. Where’s the other doctor? -And what are you? -Surgeon. Surgeon. That’s a real doctor, as far as I’m concerned. -What kind of surgeon? -General surgeon. Gen.. Genital surgeon? Is that what you said? Or general? Oh, general surgeon. Oh, yeah. That makes.. I was like, “Hey, you’re cutting into her business here.” So, out of the three doctors, you’re the least. Um… And that’s your buddy with the caterpillar on his forehead? Um, look at that eyebrow. That is fucking incredible. Get a shot of that. Oh, my God. That is.. That is impressive. That.. Damn, that’s a.. Springtime is here. That thing’s gonna turn into a butterfly in no time. I’m glad there’s real doctors here, is all I’m trying to say. ‘Cause I asked the audience one night, “Any doctors here?”, and this Indian guy got up all proud. He’s like, “I’m a doctor.” I go, “What kind of doctor are you?” “I’m a psychiatrist.” I’m like, “That’s not a doctor, ever.” An orthopedic doctor is more of a doctor than a fucking psychiatrist. If shit goes down, you’re not hoping there’s a psychiatrist around. If you’re on an airplane, like, “There’s an emergency onboard. Do we have a doctor?” “I’m a doctor. I’m a psychiatrist.” “Sir, this gentleman’s having a heart attack.” “Fuck. All right. Uh.. Let me go talk to him. Sir? Sir? Sir, let go of your chest. Sir, what makes you think you’re having a heart attack right now? This goes back to his childhood.” What’s your name, Dr. Orthopedic? -Jamaal. -Jamaal. Oh, shit. -Where’s your family from? -Saudi. Saudi. Oh, shit. Double shit. Triple shit. We’re all in shit. Um… And where do you practice? Here, or there? -Hamilton. -Hamilton. Yeah. Ooh. I mean, oh, great! Being in Hamilton, you must miss, uh, Saudi. Um… And Dr. Genitals, uh… Dr. General Surgeon, what’s your name? -Sandeep. Oh, that’s my people right there, for sure. Got this shit on lock, Jamaal. And how long you been a doctor for? -Ten years. Oh, you’re brand new. Fuck that. I, uh.. How old are you? -Forty-one. How long did it take you to become a doctor? -A long time. -Sorry? -A long time. -A long time. Yeah, thanks. Okay. I think I was already implying that. I, uh.. I was actually asking for an actual timeline. -Where did you study? Here? -Yeah. Why didn’t you just go to India? You could become a doctor in four and a half years in India. If you go to India to become a doctor, four and a half years, and you’re a doctor. In North America, ten, 11, 12 years to become a doctor. You know why? ‘Cause we’re soft over here. Over here, they’re like, “They need the summer off, so their brains can relax.” India’s like, “Fuck you.” And they don’t learn less in India. They learn just as much, if not more. They just cram it into four and a half years. There’s a billion people, like, “We need doctors. Hurry up. Study, study, study.” Where did you grow up? -Mississauga. -Mississauga. Yeah. First of all, you can’t let out a.. A ‘hood “yeah!” It’s.. It’s Mississauga, you fucking dummies. All right? It’s not like.. It’s not even like, “Oh, shit!” It’s like, “Yeah, Mississauga.” It’s.. Mississauga, and he’s a doctor. How gangster do you think his life was? I gotta be honest with you, Sandeep, it’s nothing personal, but I would never go to you as a doctor. Um… I would never go to an Indian guy that became a doctor, especially one that was born and raised in this part of the world. Fuck that. If you were born and raised here, you had dreams, and it was never to become a doctor. Let’s be honest. I’d go to an Indian woman that became a doctor. Obviously, not you, ’cause, you know, I.. I have boy parts. But… I would go to an Indian woman that became a doctor. When an Indian woman becomes a doctor, that means she really wanted to be a doctor. Even her parents are like, “Sweetie, you don’t have to become a doctor. You can just marry a doctor.” And she’s like, “Fuck you. I wanna be a doctor.” I need that kind of determination from my doctor, you know? Well, you had dreams when you were 14 years old, right, Sandeep? And it wasn’t to be a doctor. That’s not what a 14-year-old dreams about. A 14-year-old… has dreams that are ridiculous. That.. That your dream at 14 should never be logical. It should be the dumbest shit you’re doing at 14. I’ll tell you what my dream was. It wasn’t to be a comedian. I didn’t even know this job existed. My dream.. It’ll make you feel better about whatever your dream was. Here’s what I thought I was gonna do for the rest of my life. I thought.. Heh. I.. I wanted to be a dancer. All right. First of all, fuck you. All right? Second of all, not a stripper. I was.. I was a break dancer, and I was like, “Yo, I’m gonna do this shit forever.” Not a realistic goal, though. What was your dream when you were 14, growing up on the mean streets of Mississauga, Sandeep? Now, be honest. Don’t make no bullshit up. -A musician. -Huh? A musician. -Did you play any instruments? -Yes. Well, good. That’s a good start. I always.. I always have Indian guys yell out shit that they never did. “I wanted to be in the NBA.” “Did you play basketball?” “Not once. I just love giant black men.” You know, just.. What instrument did you play? -Guitar. -You good? -Pretty good. -You still throw down on it? -Pretty well. Yeah. Yeah. So, you wanted to be a musician. I know what happened. Tell me if I’m right. You’re about 17, 18 years old. You’re sitting in your room, playing with your… “guitar.” And… you were thinking, “I’m gonna be a musician.” Your mom walked in and went, “Sandoo…” That’s all you need for a nickname. All you need is add two O’s to whatever you want the nickname to be. Sandoo. Like.. Like Edward, Edwoo. Well, that could be your name, Edwoo. Sorry, that.. That didn’t work, ’cause he might very well be an Ed Woo. Your mom walked in: “Sandoo… you’re going to college. Why don’t you become a doctor?” And you were like, “What’s wrong with your face?” “If you become a doctor, you can fix it.” So, you put your guitar down and picked up a stethoscope, and it was all over after that. That’s why I could never go to you. I don’t want my doctor to have had other dreams about being something else. My doctor in America is gonna be a black guy from the ‘hood who grew up with every disadvantage. Real ‘hood. Like in the “‘hood” ‘hood. Where the.. Where people were like, “Yo, coz, let’s go kill some motherfuckers today.” I want my doctor to be the guy that says, “No, man. I’m gonna be a doctor.” And everybody in the ‘hood was like, “Ain’t nobody fuck with Daverel, he gonna be a doctor and shit.” That’s how I know I got the right doctor, ’cause he’ll say “and shit” at the end of sentences. Look pissed off when I walk into the office. That’s the doctor I want. “Hi, Mr. Peters. Seems your nasal passage is inflamed and shit. You fill out this little bitch-ass prescription. Holler at me tomorrow, motherfucker.” That’s the right doctor for me. I don’t want my doctor to be some bratty Indian kid who grew up in Mississauga. When he’s doing an operation, he just goes, “Fuck this shit. I wanna play guitar.” Then the black guy has to run in, “Don’t worry, dog. I got this. It’s gonna hurt and shit.” I never had to worry about doing anything great with my life. I didn’t. I didn’t have that pressure. I didn’t have that Indian pressure that a lot of Indian kids have. “Do something great.” My parents knew I was an idiot. From a very young age, my parents were like, “Oh, man.” I was a terrible student. I hated school. I never had to work, my parents.. My parents never had careers. They never had professions. They just had jobs. There are no professionals in my family on either side. Just a bunch of dummies. You know what I mean? But regular hard-working people. Just regular jobs. My mom worked in Kmart. Not.. Not in head office, in the store. My dad worked.. I never really understood. You ask my dad what he did. “What do you do?” “I work.” “Where?” “At my job.” “What do you do?” “Job-related work.” I never understood what my dad did. I was five, my dad was going to work, I stopped him and I go: “Dad, where are you going?” He goes, “Work.” I go, “What do you do?” “I work at a chicken plant.” And then he left. You can’t tell a five-year-old that you work at a chicken plant and then walk out of the house. I’m five years old. I can’t comprehend what a chicken plant is. I know what I chicken is, and I know what a plant is. For the next 7 years, I told people that my dad planted chickens. It wasn’t till I was 12, I was like, “Dad..” He was going to work, I go, “Dad, what exactly do you do?” He goes: “I check to see if the chickens are good or not.” And then he left. And I still didn’t know what that meant. I literally picture my dad standing around, going, “Good chicken. Good chicken. Stop the line. Bad chicken.” I don’t know what he did to the bad chicken. “I wanna talk to you for a minute. Come here. Come here. Listen, you need to get your shit together. Okay? Start clucking like the rest of them. Don’t be such a cock.” Never had to worry about school. I mean, I did, because I was in it. But.. But my parents gave up. They gave up early. They knew.. They would literally beg me. They’ll be like, “Son, please, just try and get 50. It’s a pass. Just get 50.” I’m not bragging, and.. Nor am I glorifying this. But.. Um, this is an actual mark I got in grade nine typing. Typing. All right? It was 1984. Don’t judge me. There were no computers yet. It was actual typewriters. Um, my typing.. My final mark was 13 percent. Even my dad was like, “Son… Son, you’ve hit a new low. Do you realize you get 25 percent just for signing your name correctly? What fucking name did you put?!” They gave up when I was a teenager. They did. My only rule when I’d leave the house was.. I’m like, “Dad, I’m going to the mall.” “Okay. Son, oh, don’t die.” That was it. That was their only rule. “Don’t die. We’ve already failed enough. We don’t need the ultimate failure. Well, don’t die while I’m alive. After I die, die as many times as you want. But… while I’m here, don’t die.” Never had to worry about a career or a job. Well, a job, yes, just not a profession. When I was 16, my dad comes to me and goes: “Son, one day, you won’t be in school anymore.” And I was like, “I’m gonna graduate?” “No, son. Focus, son. Focus. Focus. Come on. That’s never going to happen. Okay? When you’re not in school, you’re going to need to get a job.” I was like, “Of course, I’m going to get a job. I’m not a freeloader. And if you know anybody hiring, let me know.” He goes, “Well, the airport is hiring.” Here’s how dumb I was. My dad said the airport was hiring and I was like, “Oh, my God. My dad wants me to be a pilot.” I was like, “You want me to be a pilot?” “Oh, my God. Son, no. Oh, my God, no. Oh, my God. Oh, Mylanta. No, no, no. Oh, my God. Son, you are far too stupid for that job. People’s lives are at stake.” “What the hell am I gonna do at the airport?” My dad goes, “Baggage handler.” “What the hell is a baggage handler?” My dad sells the shit out of it to me. “A baggage handler? Son, let me tell you something, okay? These people are an integral part of millions of people’s travel plans throughout the year.” I was like, “Damn. Well, what does their job entail?” “Basically, baggage handler’s job is, you take the baggage and you put it on the plane.” “What do I do?” “You take the baggage and you put it on the plane.” “I ‘putted’ on the plane?” “You put it on the plane.” “I ‘putted’?” “You put it.” “Like… ‘put’?” “Like ‘put.'” “Like:” “Don’t be stupid. Okay? That’s ‘putting.’ Focus, son. Focus. Focus.” I said, “Dad, I wanna be a break-dancer.” “Son, son, you can dance on your break.” Anything Indian people can do, I can’t. I’m impressed whenever you do something intelligent. Like computers. I’m shit on a computer. Are you good on a computer, Edward? You’re Chinese. You’d better be good on a computer. You’re making them all day. The least you can do is be good on them. Do you work with a computer for a living? Yeah. So, you.. Yeah. -What do you prefer, a PC or a Mac? -I prefer a PC. PC. Yeah. That’s how you know you’re good on a computer. People don’t believe I’m not good on a computer. “You’re Indian. You’re supposed to be good on a computer.” An Indian guy saying he’s not good on a computer is like a black guy going, “I ain’t got no rhythm.” PC, that’s the.. That’s the showoff. You know that’s the.. “I know how to get on a computer and avoid diseases.” I use a Mac, because Macs are stupid-people friendly. I am a stupid people. The real reason I use a Mac is ’cause I go to a lot of questionable websites. But what I’m trying to tell you is… if you’re gonna surf porn, surf porn on a Mac. Surfing porn on a Mac is like having sex with a condom on. You’re like, “I don’t care what she has. I’m not gonna get anything.” Surfing porn on a PC is like raw-dogging a hooker, you know? You’re just, “Oh, my God! It feels good, but I’m scared. I’m so scared! Oh, my God! It burns when I download.” You know, the worst day in my life is when I have a problem with my laptop and I have to call the 1-800 number on the back of it. I don’t care they’ve outsourced the call to India. That makes me happy. The part that bothers me is that that guy in India knows who I am. “I’m having a problem with my laptop.” “Okay, sir. And your good name?” “Sorry?” “Your good name.” “My good name? What is that? My password? You want my password?” “No, sir.Your good name. Your good name?” “What the fuck is my good name?” “Your surname, family name?” “Oh. Why didn’t you say so? Peters.” “Okay. And your first name?” “What’s that?” “Your first name.” “I don’t have a forest name. Enchanted? If I was in the forest, my name would be ‘Lost.’ What are you asking me now?” “No, sir. Your first name?” “What the fuck is my forest name? What is that? Slow it down, buddy.” “First name.” “That’s the same fucking thing!” “Sir, the name you use on a daily basis.” “Oh, heh, sorry, man. Russell.” “Okay. No way! Is it really you?” I’m all proud. I’m like, “Yes, it is.” He goes, “Well, well, well. All those jokes you made, huh? Now who needs help, huh? Okay, bastard. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to mirror your computer.” “What?” “Mirror your computer.” “Mirror my computer? What does that mean?” “I’m going to gain full access to your laptop remotely.” “Really? How do you..?” Then I see the mouse moving around on my screen. “What the hell happened?” “I have gained full access to your laptop. Let’s go through your history.” “Let’s not go through my history. How about that? Let’s…” “Well, well, well. Heh. Lusty grandmas.” “It was a pop-up.” “I’m sure they popped up just fine, huh? Seems to pop-up three, four times a day.” How you doing, sir? You good? What’s your name? -Vince. -Vince. -Italian? -Yep. I could tell by the way you said “Vince.” “Hey, Vince. Always got to sound like I’m doing some illegal shit.” I love talking to Italian guys. They fuck the air when you talk to them. Ever see that? “Bro, where you been?” “I’m on the 400. I’m going north.” “Not the 400. 401. You don’t need to go this way. You need to go that way.” Is that your lovely wife? Hi, lovely wife. How are you? -How long you guys been together? -Twenty-one years. Twenty-one years. That’s great. That’s good. Kids? Not you two. I mean, do you have kids? -Yeah. -Yeah. -One girl. -One girl. How old? -Thirteen. -Thirteen. Nice. You waited. That’s nice. Thought you’d enjoy each other for a few years, and then: Send one home. You know? She bent over in the kitchen, and you were on the phone giving directions. “Vince, I just need to get this pot.” “What are you doing?” “Oh, my God! I’m pregnant.” One girl. That’s all you wanted, right? One kid? You.. I got one. I got a daughter, as well. I like her. She’s, um.. One’s all you need. I’m not.. I don’t want more than one kid. I’m not fucking collecting them. You know what I mean? They’re not going up in value, you know? So, one and done for me. I think the real reason, like, I never wanted more kids is because… I know me, and I know what an idiot I am. And I’m one of those people who gets dazzled by new things. So, I don’t want my daughter to be, like, the object of everything in my life, then a new kid comes along, “Beat it, kid. Look at this one.” She’s like, “I thought you loved me?” “I do. Look at this new one. It’s so much better.” I know what an idiot I am. So, this is just gonna be the one and done. -You spoil her? -Yeah. Oh, yeah. How old are you, Vince? -Forty-six. -Forty-six. We’re the same age. You know what I mean? “Yeah. No problem. Forty-six.” And you had immigrant parents, Vince? Yeah. From Italy? Yeah. You know what I’m talking about. Immigrant parents, they don’t play. Immigrant parents don’t give you idle threats. If they tell you to do something, they fucking mean do that. There’s no negotiating. You don’t talk back to your parents. You’re Italian. You’d get a schiaffo right on your head. Right? Let me tell you what happened. My daughter was in her bedroom, laying on her bed, and I.. And I burst into her room, right? First, she’s five. She’s not gonna be doing anything weird. Uh… Second of all, it’s my house, I’ll burst into whatever room I want. So, I.. My daughter’s lying on her bed with her iPad watching Frozen. You know? As children do. And so, I burst in and I’m like, “Baby!” And I guess it startled her, but she didn’t react like a 5-year-old. Aah! She reacted like a woman. She got angry. Not like a little kid. She became a woman instantly. And then I was like, “Baby!” And she went.. Shh! Without using any words, my daughter went, “Motherfucker! Do you not see what I’m doing?!” And if your kid ever calls you a motherfucker, you can’t get mad. Because, yeah. You are, Vince. If you weren’t a motherfucker, they wouldn’t be here. If there’s any kids in here, I want you to try calling your dad a motherfucker. Um, you look young, buddy. So, try it. But you can’t do it when you’re angry. You gotta do it when everything’s calm, you know? Like, you can be at the dinner table. “Ma, this pot roast is fantastic. Hey, motherfucker, can you pass the peas?” “Sure. What the.. What happened?” But she got so mad, and just immediately was just.. Shh! And I just thought it was hilarious. I started laughing immediately. Now, I don’t know if that’s because I’m a comedian. Or if I’m just a shit parent. But my little daughter went: Shh! And I thought it was the funniest thing in the world. And the more I laughed, the angrier she got, like a real woman. And the angrier she got, the more I laughed. Until it was just like, “Daddy! Stop it!” And I’m like, “I can’t!” And then I thought about it. I can’t picture.. I can’t even imagine one single time in my life, let alone at 5, that I could have ever said, “shh,” to my parents. Sitting in the living room, watching TV, and my dad walks in, “Russell.” Shh. “You don’t shush me! I’ll throw that TV at you!” This was 1975 when TVs weighed 1800 pounds, when it was more than just a TV. It was a TV, it was a speaker system, it was a shelving unit. It had a turntable on the top with a cassette deck and an 8-track player. It had a shitty doily that ran across the top. It had a vase with plastic flowers in it for no reason. Remember the plastic flowers? They were huge in the Indian world. Indian community. “Plastic? Wait, wait. So, we just buy the one flower, one time, and you don’t have to replenish it. Genius. Absolute genius.” Remember those plastic flowers that were like this long, and they were on a wire, plastic? My dad was so cheap, he bought one, he bought a vase that was only this big, so we had to bend the wire. So, now, you have, like, half a flower and half a wire sticking out. And nobody ever dusted them or cleaned them, so they were never the color they were. People would walk by, ooh.. “Oh, red. Nice. Nice.” Think about how angry your parents were all the time. They were mad. Always. I don’t know why they were so mad. They weren’t mad at you. Just mad. Our parents had no problem disappointing us, did they? I’ll do whatever it takes to not disappoint my daughter. If I tell them I’m gonna do something, I’ll do that plus something else. You know, because we’re idiots. Because we grew up wanting things. I never had more than I needed. I never did without. I mean, but I never had extra shit. Like, I would get the one pair of shoes every year in September for school, and it was like, “Son, you’re getting one new pair of sneakers.” I’m like, “Yes.” “Let’s go see what BiWay has. I have a coupon. I, too, am getting a pair.” I would get one toy a year. One toy. On my birthday. It was.. It was such a bullshit deal, though. My birthday would come, my dad would be like, “Let’s go to the toy store.” And we’d go to the toy store, and my dad would be like, “You can have anything in this bucket right here.” “Everything’s broken in that. This gun is in two pieces.” “Why don’t you look at it as two guns? The glass is half full.” So, when you grow up like that, when you want things, and you get a little money, you do it. I got a little bit of money. I start buying everything I wanted, then I spoil my daughter. I buy her shit she doesn’t know she wants. I buy it ’cause I would have wanted it. Not wanting to disappoint your child can backfire on you. Let me tell you what happened. Couple years ago, I moved into this new house. I was building.. Not building.. I had a really nice bedroom for my daughter. I do have. Not had. I didn’t lose the shit. I, uh.. And I wanted to get a really cool bed. And I was like, “Baby, I wanna get you a really fun bed.” And she’s like, “I want a fun bed.” She was three at the time. And then I go, “Come on. Come here. Sit with me. And we’ll look at beds online.” She goes, “Okay.” So, I pull up my laptop, and I go to Google. I put safe search on ’cause I’m not an idiot. You know, I don’t need dicks flying up when I’m trying to look at stuff. Put safe search on, and then I type in “cool beds for little girls.” And all these cool beds showed up online. It was like.. This shit I’d never.. I didn’t even dream about seeing. And then.. And she goes, “Daddy, I want a castle bed.” And I’m like, “I want a castle bed, too. I mean, for you.” So, we find this castle bed. It’s amazing. It’s a queen-sized bed on the bottom. Full queen-sized bed. And then, it’s got stairs that lead upstairs to a double bed. And it has a steeple like a castle. And then it has a slide that comes around the other side. My daughter’s like, “I want that one!” And I go, “I want you to have that one, too.” And we’re high-fiving. Yay! Yay! “Is it gonna be here tomorrow?” “Wait, let me first buy it.” So, I’m like “add to cart.” Yes. Check out. Yes. And she’s like, “Will it be here?” “Hold on. Let me just hit ‘purchase.'” Purchase. $10,000. And I’m like, “Fuck me!” And my daughter’s like, “What?” “No, no, no!” And I had to buy it, she was sitting right there. And I got her all excited about it. I bought a $10,000 bed for a 3-year-old. And this little bitch hasn’t slept in it once! Two fucking years, and she hasn’t slept in the goddamn bed! She has a queen-sized bed… from the age of 3. I never had a queen-sized bed till I was 30. And that was because that’s when I moved out of my parents’ house. I know.. You guys go, “Thirty?” I’m like, “For an Indian guy, that’s pretty young.” I was.. I was 30 when I moved out and.. My brother was 36. He was.. He goes, “Where are you going?” “Moving out.” “I better go with you. I don’t wanna look like a loser.” “It’s too late. You’re 36. It’s..” -You have kids, sir? -Yes. -How many? -Two. Two. Are those them? -Those your kids? Are they..? -No. No? Okay. I just.. I saw two more white people. I figured they might be yours. -What do you have? -A daughter and a son. A daughter and son. Who’s older, daughter or son? -Daughter. -Daughter. Which one do you like better? Both? Wait. Wait. Listen to the question, sir. What’s your name? -Greg. -Okay, Greg. When I ask which one do you like better, I’m not asking you which one you love more. I don’t think you love either of them more than the other. Correct? -Yes. -You love them both equally. You don’t want anything bad to happen to either of them, but you like one better. It’s.. It’s human nature, Greg. Listen, liking one of your children more than the other is literally the difference between running and walking. Let me explain. You’re in the living room, you’re watching TV, and all of a sudden, you hear somebody fall down the stairs. “Oh, my God. Who was that?” “It’s me.” “Oh, my God!” Right? Okay. You’re in the living room, watching TV. All of a sudden, you hear: “Oh, my God! Who was that?” “It’s me.” “Oh, for fuck sakes.” You’re.. You’re still gonna go… but which one are you running for? Probably the girl, huh? -There you go. -How old are they? -My daughter’s 14. My son is 28. -Your daughter’s 14. Your son’s 28. Wait, I thought you said your son was younger? Oh, he’s older. So, that’s the baby, always. It’s the little girl, right? Yeah, that’s the way we work. -What’s your name, buddy? -Omar. Omar. Where’s your family from? Egypt. Oh, shit, that’s sphinx. Um… Nope. That joke flew right past him. I like that. I waited for a second, but it didn’t go anywhere. -And is that your girlfriend, your wife? -My wife. Your wife? And she’s not Egyptian, right? Are you okay, sweetheart? Are you..? Are you a hostage? Blink if you need help. You grew up in Poland. When did you move to Canada? -In ’82. -’82. So, when you grew up in Poland, were you learning..? Were they speaking Russian back then? -I had to take Russian. -You had to take Russian. -So, you speak Russian or understand it? -Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. I just learned how to say “how are you?” in Russian. Do you know how to say “how are you?” in Russian, Vince? “Cock dealer.” I swear. This Russian guy walked up to me. He goes, “Hey, kak dela?” I go, “Hey, hey, hey, man.” I don’t give a shit if you’re a blackjack dealer, all right? Don’t come around here offering me all that. When you find vag dealer, send her over. I like listening to people speak Russian. You ever heard people speak Russian? It’s amazing. They sound like they’re talking backwards. Vladimir… Blyad. That’s a real swear word in Russian, blyad. It’s like they didn’t have a swear word and some guy drank too much vodka. “Boris, how do you feel?” He feels blyad. Are there any Russian people here? All right. Where are you? -You Russian, bro? -Yeah, bro. -What’s your name? -Anand. What? Anand? Omar? Jamaal? Where are you from, Anand? My parents are from Uzbekistan. Your parents are from Uzbekistan. Oh, yeah, that makes more sense. Yeah. There’s.. Okay. So, yeah, you’re speaking Russian. Speak Russian? -Yeah. -Nice. Maybe you can clear this up for me. Um… Uh, last summer, I had to do some plumbing work on my house in Los Angeles, and I hired these two Russian plumbers. Great guys. Let me just say this. They were great guys. They were reasonably priced. They were on time. They were tidy. They did good work. They never gave me any problems. They were respectful. But… every day when they would come to work, they would call me by my last name and then giggle like little kids. “Good morning, Mr. Peter.” I’m like, “It’s Peters. Mr. Peters.” “Okay, Peter.” “Why don’t you call me Russell?” “Okay. Russell Peter.” I’m like, “What are they laughing at?” So, I called one of my Russian friends. Like, “Yo, these guys come to the house, they call me by my last name and giggle.” He goes, “What are they saying?” “Mr. Peter.” Then he’s like: “That’s messed up, man.” I go, “Why?” “Your last name. In Russian, it means ‘faggot.'” “Like, do you mean gay?” “No.” “Homosexual?” “No. Faggot.” “Mr. Peter… seems your pipes are blocked.” “Nice castle bed, Peter.” I’m.. I’m what they call a sleeper. I, uh… I’m lazy is what I’m trying to tell you. I love sleep. Like, I genuinely.. If I can get 14 hours a day, I’m good. I might have been a koala in my last life or something, you know? But… I just love sleep. I’ve been doing stand-up for 27 years, not because.. I do love what I do. Don’t get it wrong. But I didn’t get into this because I was like: “Oh, I’m gonna be looking.. One day, I’ll be something.” No. I got into this because in 1989, I was standing around with my friends, and I was like, “Yo, I wanna get a job where I could sleep all day… and then work for, I don’t know, like, an hour. And my friend goes, “Comedian.” I’m like, “I’ll take it.” “You don’t know how.” “I’ll figure it out.” This isn’t talent. This is determination… for sleep. I love sleep. And when we’re sleeping with you, ladies.. And I mean sleeping with you. Just sleeping. ..you need to know that your man respects your sleep, because a man.. I mean, when I’m sleeping and my girlfriend’s beside me, I will do whatever it takes to not disturb her sleep. And I would hope she would do the same. But I will do whatever it takes to not ruin her sleep. Obviously, there’s those times when you roll over in the middle of the night. You know, it’s.. We’ll do that until we’ve.. “Get off me!” I’m like, “Oh, my God! Sorry. Oh, my God. Thank God you woke me up. I was having a nightmare. I…” But other than that… we’ll do whatever it takes to not disturb your sleep. When we’re sleeping with you, ladies.. And I know this.. For me, especially. When my girlfriend’s asleep beside me, I’ll do whatever it takes to not disturb her. And more often than not, now, especially after 40, like, 3:30 in the morning, I’ll get waken up ’cause I have to pee, and then I’m like, “You know what? Look at her, all pretty and sleepy and… I don’t wanna disturb her, so I’m gonna risk a bladder infection.” And then I go back to sleep. Right? And then about ten minutes into my sleep, I start dreaming about peeing. That’s your body going, “Hey, didn’t I try to tell you something a minute ago?” The minute you start dreaming about peeing, you have to get up and do it, ’cause your body’s like, “Nah, uh-uh. We’re not playing this game.” And when I finally agree that I’m gonna go to the bathroom, I become the most stealth-like ninja human being you’ve ever seen in your life. I start edging towards my side of the bed. And while I’m doing that, I’m pushing up the blanket right behind her, you know? So, that way it feel like I’m still there. Then when I get to the edge of the bed, I literally pour myself out of the bed. Then I get up. When you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, guys, you have to make an announcement. It doesn’t have to be loud. It doesn’t have to disturb anybody, but you have to say, “I just gotta pee.” Because if she wakes up and you’re not there, she immediately assumes you’re sleeping with somebody else. It’s a safety thing. It’s an insurance policy. She doesn’t have to react to it. She doesn’t have to move. You just have to say, “I just gotta pee.” And she’s dreaming. She’s asleep. She’s dreaming about playing tennis. “I just gotta pee.” Made my announcement. Ready to go to the bathroom. I know where the squeaks are in the floor, so I avoid them. I tiptoe the whole way. When you get to the bathroom door, guys, this is very important. You have to grip the handle firmly, very firmly. And I open it so slowly. I turn the knob so slow that you could literally hear the spring inside recoiling. Like coil by coil. And you’re like, “Shut the fuck up, door.” But you’re the only one that can hear it. And then when you get it unlocked, you have to open it swiftly. You have to push it open quick. You can’t do it slow, in case it goes: Right? So, you gotta.. And then… Then I reach around on the inside and I grab the handle, and then I close the door slowly, and then: Now I’m able to go to the toilet. Now, when you get to the toilet, guys, this is very important. You have to pee… to the inside of the bowl. Because you don’t wanna make.. There’s no sense you going through all the tiptoeing and the…and she just.. You just hear: You gotta.. You gotta.. You pee to the side of the bowl. You don’t wanna break water. So, you pee to the inside of the bowl so the pee just cascades into the water, and there’s no noise. And then when I’m done, I take the seat and the lid and I close it. And then I flush, because I’m trying to mute the noise as much as possible. And then I stand there and I wait until the tank refills. Then, and only then, do I head back to the bedroom. I don’t wash my hands. First of all, I took a shower right before I went to bed. Second of all, it’s my dick. It wasn’t dragging through mud. Literally, a minute ago, it was asleep on my balls. Just.. And just so you know, ladies, nine times out of ten, when a guy goes to the bathroom, we don’t even use our hands. We pee like Superman. Just.. So, then I tiptoe my way back to bed, and then when I get to the mattress, I put my shoulder on it first. You gotta put your shoulder on the bed. And then I put one leg up, right? So, I got an even distribution of weight on the bed now, right? And then I just do this little jujitsu kind of roll. I just.. I kind of roll my whole body and then I roll onto the bed, and then: And, bam, my arm ends up right around her. And she has no clue that I left and went to the bathroom. And we do it that way, ladies, because men respect a woman’s sleep. Now… when a woman has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, she doesn’t give a shit if you haven’t slept in four years. If she gets woken up out of her sleep, it’s everybody’s problem. They don’t wake up and think, “I have to pee.” They wake up and go, “Oh, my God! I gotta pee!” And then she hurls the blankets. Hurls the blankets off of her so violently that they come right off of me and I’m like, “I’m freezing right now.” And this beautiful, petite, little woman leaps out of bed like a cat, but lands like a hippopotamus, just… She goes and finds her tap shoes ’cause she wants to make extra noise. Then she gets to the bathroom, the door handle slips out of her hand. Slams the door, whack! Gets into the toilet. Goes to lift seat, it slips out of her fingers, whack! Loudest noise in the world. Then she sits down to pee. Ladies, when you sit down to pee, why can’t you just sit down and pee? Why do you have to sit down and go:? And you ever heard a woman peeing? It’s the loudest thing you’ll ever hear. What are you, cutting concrete in there? And then when she’s done, she goes to flush, but does half a flush. And now you’ve gotta sit through two flushes. And.. Then she goes to wash her hands and she knocks over a glass, and then.. Now she’s done. And she storms back to the bedroom. Storms back to the bedroom. And she slams that bathroom door behind her so hard that it doesn’t catch, it just bounces back open. And this asshole left a light on in there. So, now there’s a beam of light entering the bedroom. And she’s stomping her elephant ass back. She’s 110 pounds. I don’t know where all this weight’s coming from. Instead of getting back in the bed like a normal human being? No. She turns into fucking Hulk Hogan when she’s coming back to bed. “I’m coming back to bed, brother.” And she.. And she slams herself on the bed so hard that my entire body bounces up. And then I go, “Hey, is everything okay?” “Oh, my God. Did I wake you?” Yeah, bitch. You woke everybody on the northern hemisphere up. How you doing, buddy? -What is your name anyway? -Kevin. Kevin. Oh, yeah. Kevin and Edward, the Chinese guys. Good solid Chinese names. What style of Asian are you, sir? -Me? -Yeah. -Filipino. -Filipino. Nice. That’s good. It’s not a pep rally for the Filipinos, it’s just.. I was just in the Philippines. Have you been? -I have. -Yeah. I didn’t know that Indian people in the Philippines are such villains. Do you know this? In the Philippines, Indian.. They’ve vilified Indians so bad. Like, you.. They literally use Indian people as a threat to get their kids to go to sleep. They would be like, “If you don’t go to bed, the bumbais will come in the nighttime. And your blood will run down the streets.” How did we get such a shitty reputation over there? I see white people, but I don’t see real proper Canadian white people. You know that I mean? Where are the cakers? Where are you? Sir? Yeah. Look. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. That’s.. There we go. Good. I miss you, guys. I love when I come back home. I’ve been gone for ten years. And it’s so weird, because when you grow up.. You’re born and raised here, and you don’t notice things about it until you leave. And I never really noticed the Canadian accent until I left. Now, when I come home, that’s all I fucking hear. And if you really think about the Canadian accent, it sounds smart and dumb at the exact same time, doesn’t it? “Oh, Christ. Look at you, eh?” “Oh, yeah.” “Oh, yeah. Are you back in town?” “No, it’s a fucking hologram you’re looking at, asshole.” “Oh, no doubt, eh? No doubt. No doubt, eh?” “Oh, fuck, yeah. No doubt.” “No, fucking doubt. Oh!” White people talk till they have no breath. “Fuckers, don’t, don’t! No!” “No doubt, eh? Fuck. So, you’re gonna tape the new special, are you?” “Oh, yeah. Right on. Right on.” I know you probably don’t hear it, even when I’m doing it. Like, “He sounds normal to me.” But you really gotta pay attention. Listen to a hockey player in an interview. They always say and sound the exact same way. “Oh, yeah, yeah. No. We got out there tonight and, uh, you know, coach says we need to play more as a team and, you know, push the puck around and look for openings and see the guys out there and, you know, pretty much have a good game of hockey.” “No doubt. No doubt. Oh, yeah.” “No fucking doubt, eh?” “Oh, heh, yeah.” You were born in Canada. Right, sir? Hello? Is your..? Were your parents from Canada, too? -Yes. -Yes. That’s the real Canadian. That’s.. That’s some shit. You should be like, “Yes!” We live in a weird time. You realize that? We live in a time where.. Like in.. Especially in the U.S., with their whole election shit going on. They’ve made a big deal out of race this year. Which is weird. When Obama was in it, they didn’t mention race once. They were like, “There’s a black guy here. Everybody keep their shit quiet.” Black dude. Are you a black guy right there? You might be a dark-ass Indian guy. I don’t know. I’m asking you. Are you a black guy? Hello? Does the mike not reach that way? Can you not…? You’re a black guy? -Black and Indian guy. -Black and Indian guy? Okay. Well, you got the best of both worlds. You can run fast and spell great, so, um… That’s a black guy right there. Black dude. You’re a black guy? You know that? I don’t think I need to… -How old are you anyway? -I’m 39. Thirty-nine. See, you have to ask a black person their age. You always have to ask, ’cause you can never guess a black person’s age. You will be wrong 100 percent of the time. ‘Cause here’s the thing with black people. They stop aging at some point. Their body goes, “Fuck it. This is as old as I’m gonna look.” But their insides keep aging, you know? That’s how you can tell a black person’s age. Ask them. You hear it in their voice. Their voice gets older. And then their points of reference start to get really obscure. “What are you, like 40?” “Uh-uh. Baby. I ain’t been 40 in about 45 years. Shit. I know. That’s right. That make me wanna jitterbug.” Why the black community and the police have a hard time, ’cause the cops could never describe a black man properly. Well, the suspect is a black male between the age of 18 and 97. Everything is race-based. You know? And that’s fine for me. I made a living out of it. But… when it hits the political side.. You got Donald Trump saying crazy shit like: “No more immigrants. I’m gonna stop immigration.” I’m like, “Donald Trump, if you stop immigration, how are you gonna get another wife?” Two out of his three wives have been immigrants. Two out of three. You know, when people say “immigrant,” they just picture this room. They picture non-white people. You hear “immigrant,” you picture brown, black, Asian. Brown, black, Asian. That’s all you picture. Reassess that. Start picturing white people. Look at Greg. He looks like a regular white guy, but has an accent. You didn’t see that coming. You need to start picturing white people with your immigrants, because they look like regular white people. What’s your name? Hello. No, the white guy behind you, Asian guy. The Asian guy’s like, “Me? My name is, uh… not white guy.” -Dan. -Dan. Dan, you need to start picturing white immigrants, ’cause they look just like you. They look like regular white people, but then they open their mouth and no English. Nothing. You can always tell by looking at them, though. Regular white Canadian or white Americans, they always look bored. It’s in the body language. They always look like: Like nothing impresses them, you know? But white immigrants, you look at their body language. “Electricity. I can go bathroom indoors? Who’s going to clean the bucket?” The good thing about my job is I get to travel around the world and see all kinds of things. I’ve seen the whole world. Is that your mom with you, Dan? Hi, Mom. How are you? How old are you, Mom? Old enough to know better. Old enough to know better. And old enough to start to forget, but.. Um… Uh… Ahem. But.. Everyone’s like, “Russell!” Hey, man, she started it. Um… I’m really immature, Ma, I apologize. Have you..? You’re obviously retired, I would hope. Um, do you travel at all? Have you gone around the world at all? -No. -No, you gotta do it. You gotta go. Take Dan with you so he could fucking stare at things. I’m fucking with you, Dan. Sorry, buddy. Let me tell you something. I’ve been doing this 27 years. Born and raised in Canada. I’ve been in the U.S. for ten years. I’ve seen the entire world a few times now. It’s round. I don’t know.. I don’t know how old you are. I don’t know what you were taught, but it’s round now. It’s confirmed. Confirmed. And, um… It’s a wonderful world we live in. It’s a great place. And you gotta go and see it. You know? Like, white people need to travel more. I think that’s an issue, you know? By “travel more,” I don’t mean go to.. When I’m in the States and I ask: “You travel?” “Yeah. All over.” “Where do you go?” “Florida, New York, Seattle.” I’m like, “That’s not fucking traveling. That’s going in the country you live in.” Indian people try the same. “Do you travel?” “Oh, I travel all the time. I go to India and back and…” That’s not traveling. If you’re Indian and you go to India, that’s not traveling. That’s going back to where the fuck you came from. I remember when I was a kid. When my family was going to India, it was the most hush-hush operation. My dad would give me two days’ notice. “In two days, we’re going to India. Don’t tell anybody.” “Why not?” “They’ll want us to take a suitcase.” Having traveled the whole world, this whole beautiful world of ours, and seeing everything from his people to.. I haven’t gone to Egypt yet, I’m waiting for you guys to sort your shit out. Um… Been to China, been to Hong Kong, been to Macao, been to the Philippines. Been everywhere. Been to South Africa. Not been to Italy.. Once, you know. Had an itchy dick. The guy thought I was talking to him. “Hey, hey, hey.” Having traveled the whole world, let me tell you this. I realized something. I can only live in North America. And whether it’s Canada or the U.S., doesn’t bother me. As long as I’m in this continent, I’m good. But if they were like, “You can no longer live in North America. You must leave immediately,” the only other place I would consider living would be Bombay, India. And… I love Bombay. It’s one of my favorite places in the entire world. The reason I love Bombay is because I love New York, and Bombay reminds me of New York, but with less Indian people in Bombay. You gotta go to India, Mom. You’ve gotta go to India. Trust me. Before it’s all over, go to India. I’ll tell you why you gotta go. Because the five senses that you were born with have never been fully utilized… …until you go to India. And going to Brampton doesn’t count. I mean, India. You go to India, you’ll experience sight, sound and smell in less than one minute. You’ll just be standing here.. Did a sheep just fart and drive a train past me? What the hell was that? You gotta go. You gotta go to India. Let’s just say you go, right? So, you go to Bombay. I’ll warn you in advance. There’s a lot of people there. A shit ton of people. It’s not dangerous, so you don’t have to worry. Say you get there and get freaked out, you’re like, “I’m staying in my room.” It’s worth going there to just sit in your hotel room and watch the news. Watching the news in India is the best thing you’ve ever seen in your life. They have the craziest news you’ve ever seen in your life. Like, if any one of those things that happens in India on a daily basis happened in America just once, America would shut down. Let’s be honest. America loves to panic. That’s how they control the American people. They feed them with all these lies and propaganda. That’s how the media controls the American people. That’s how they think. “Well, you better not leave America ’cause look what they’re doing over there. Real crazy.” They do. That’s how they control the people, with the media. And you don’t believe me? Remember a couple years ago? Ebola. Remember that? “Ebola’s here! We’re all gonna die!” I’m like, “Oh, my God! How many people have it?” “One guy. But he’s black and he’s fast. We can’t catch him.” Whenever anything bad happens in America, they have these overly dramatic newscasts. “It’s a sad day for America. And an even worse day… for Americans. We’ll be right back after these messages.” Then they cut to my favorite commercial. “I’m Wilford Brimley. When I first found out about my diabetes… I knew it’d be a problem ’cause I can’t pronounce ‘diabetes.'” You watch the news in India. They deliver the worst news you’ve ever heard in your life so casually. Today, 743 people are dead… as a bicycle collided with a goat. Funeral services for the goat will be held this weekend… followed by a delicious goat curry.” Thank you very much, guys. You were awesome. Good night. What up, JusReign! | Hey, thank you. Thanks. All right. There you are. There you are. There’s my city. Heh. That’s it. That’s what I’m talking about. Hey, give it up for, uh, DJ Spinbad and Starting From Scratch, ladies and gentlemen. Live DJing. Live. Not dead. Live. Asian guy, how are you? Good. You’re looking very anime. -What style..? Are you Filipino? -Chinese. Chinese. That’s the main kind of Asian. That’s.. That’s the one they make the most of. They, uh… You can pick them up fairly cheap. They’re reasonably priced. They’re.. -Heh, what’s your name? -Kat Sang Bong. I’ll.. I’ll do the jokes now. Are you..? You doing comedy is like watching, well, you drive. Uh, that’s.. That’s.. How you guys doing? You good? All right. Hey, giant Asian guy. That’s a.. Crickey, you’re a big one. Um.. -What style of Asian are you? -Chinese. You’re Chinese. Look at that. -How tall are you? -Six feet. Six feet in.. In Chinese, that’s like… That’s like eight feet. Which in Chinese is a lucky number. So, that’s… -What’s your name? -Edward. Edward. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. No doubt. Absolutely I believe that. I, uh… -What’s your Chinese name, Edward? -I… I… I don’t know if you were hesitating or if that was your Chinese name. I… Well, that’s interesting. I… Oh, my God. I’m so glad this job worked out, guys, ’cause.. You can’t act like this in any other job. Do you realize that? I’d be in HR every day. -Russell, do you know why you’re here? -No. You insulted somebody. Who? Everybody. I’m not good at things Indian people are supposed to do. That’s why I do this shit for a living. Anything Indian people can do, I can’t do. I’m mad envious when I see Indian people doing smart, intelligent things that involve studying and learning how to do something good. I.. I do. Anytime I see.. Like doctors. How many doctors? Are there any doctors here tonight? Look at that. Only in my audience we have that many fucking doctors. Where’s the doctor over there? -What kind of doctor are you? -Gynecologist. Gynecologist. Oh, wow, that’s a.. Any openings? Oh, okay. All right. I… And where’s the other doctor? You, bro? -What kind of doctor are you? -Orthopedic. Orthopedic. Is that a real doctor? Let me ask the gynecologist. Uh. No. She says no. Where’s the other doctor? -And what are you? -Surgeon. Surgeon. That’s a real doctor, as far as I’m concerned. -What kind of surgeon? -General surgeon. Gen.. Genital surgeon? Is that what you said? Or general? Oh, general surgeon. Oh, yeah. That makes.. I was like, “Hey, you’re cutting into her business here.” So, out of the three doctors, you’re the least. Um… And that’s your buddy with the caterpillar on his forehead? Um, look at that eyebrow. That is fucking incredible. Get a shot of that. Oh, my God. That is.. That is impressive. That.. Damn, that’s a.. Springtime is here. That thing’s gonna turn into a butterfly in no time. I’m glad there’s real doctors here, is all I’m trying to say. ‘Cause I asked the audience one night, “Any doctors here?”, and this Indian guy got up all proud. He’s like, “I’m a doctor.” I go, “What kind of doctor are you?” “I’m a psychiatrist.” I’m like, “That’s not a doctor, ever.” An orthopedic doctor is more of a doctor than a fucking psychiatrist. If shit goes down, you’re not hoping there’s a psychiatrist around. If you’re on an airplane, like, “There’s an emergency onboard. Do we have a doctor?” “I’m a doctor. I’m a psychiatrist.” “Sir, this gentleman’s having a heart attack.” “Fuck. All right. Uh.. Let me go talk to him. Sir? Sir? Sir, let go of your chest. Sir, what makes you think you’re having a heart attack right now? This goes back to his childhood.” What’s your name, Dr. Orthopedic? -Jamaal. -Jamaal. Oh, shit. -Where’s your family from? -Saudi. Saudi. Oh, shit. Double shit. Triple shit. We’re all in shit. Um… And where do you practice? Here, or there? -Hamilton. -Hamilton. Yeah. Ooh. I mean, oh, great! Being in Hamilton, you must miss, uh, Saudi. Um… And Dr. Genitals, uh… Dr. General Surgeon, what’s your name? -Sandeep. Oh, that’s my people right there, for sure. Got this shit on lock, Jamaal. And how long you been a doctor for? -Ten years. Oh, you’re brand new. Fuck that. I, uh.. How old are you? -Forty-one. How long did it take you to become a doctor? -A long time. -Sorry? -A long time. -A long time. Yeah, thanks. Okay. I think I was already implying that. I, uh.. I was actually asking for an actual timeline. -Where did you study? Here? -Yeah. Why didn’t you just go to India? You could become a doctor in four and a half years in India. If you go to India to become a doctor, four and a half years, and you’re a doctor. In North America, ten, 11, 12 years to become a doctor. You know why? ‘Cause we’re soft over here. Over here, they’re like, “They need the summer off, so their brains can relax.” India’s like, “Fuck you.” And they don’t learn less in India. They learn just as much, if not more. They just cram it into four and a half years. There’s a billion people, like, “We need doctors. Hurry up. Study, study, study.” Where did you grow up? -Mississauga. -Mississauga. Yeah. First of all, you can’t let out a.. A ‘hood “yeah!” It’s.. It’s Mississauga, you fucking dummies. All right? It’s not like.. It’s not even like, “Oh, shit!” It’s like, “Yeah, Mississauga.” It’s.. Mississauga, and he’s a doctor. How gangster do you think his life was? I gotta be honest with you, Sandeep, it’s nothing personal, but I would never go to you as a doctor. Um… I would never go to an Indian guy that became a doctor, especially one that was born and raised in this part of the world. Fuck that. If you were born and raised here, you had dreams, and it was never to become a doctor. Let’s be honest. I’d go to an Indian woman that became a doctor. Obviously, not you, ’cause, you know, I.. I have boy parts. But… I would go to an Indian woman that became a doctor. When an Indian woman becomes a doctor, that means she really wanted to be a doctor. Even her parents are like, “Sweetie, you don’t have to become a doctor. You can just marry a doctor.” And she’s like, “Fuck you. I wanna be a doctor.” I need that kind of determination from my doctor, you know? Well, you had dreams when you were 14 years old, right, Sandeep? And it wasn’t to be a doctor. That’s not what a 14-year-old dreams about. A 14-year-old… has dreams that are ridiculous. That.. That your dream at 14 should never be logical. It should be the dumbest shit you’re doing at 14. I’ll tell you what my dream was. It wasn’t to be a comedian. I didn’t even know this job existed. My dream.. It’ll make you feel better about whatever your dream was. Here’s what I thought I was gonna do for the rest of my life. I thought.. Heh. I.. I wanted to be a dancer. All right. First of all, fuck you. All right? Second of all, not a stripper. I was.. I was a break dancer, and I was like, “Yo, I’m gonna do this shit forever.” Not a realistic goal, though. What was your dream when you were 14, growing up on the mean streets of Mississauga, Sandeep? Now, be honest. Don’t make no bullshit up. -A musician. -Huh? A musician. -Did you play any instruments? -Yes. Well, good. That’s a good start. I always.. I always have Indian guys yell out shit that they never did. “I wanted to be in the NBA.” “Did you play basketball?” “Not once. I just love giant black men.” You know, just.. What instrument did you play? -Guitar. -You good? -Pretty good. -You still throw down on it? -Pretty well. Yeah. Yeah. So, you wanted to be a musician. I know what happened. Tell me if I’m right. You’re about 17, 18 years old. You’re sitting in your room, playing with your… “guitar.” And… you were thinking, “I’m gonna be a musician.” Your mom walked in and went, “Sandoo…” That’s all you need for a nickname. All you need is add two O’s to whatever you want the nickname to be. Sandoo. Like.. Like Edward, Edwoo. Well, that could be your name, Edwoo. Sorry, that.. That didn’t work, ’cause he might very well be an Ed Woo. Your mom walked in: “Sandoo… you’re going to college. Why don’t you become a doctor?” And you were like, “What’s wrong with your face?” “If you become a doctor, you can fix it.” So, you put your guitar down and picked up a stethoscope, and it was all over after that. That’s why I could never go to you. I don’t want my doctor to have had other dreams about being something else. My doctor in America is gonna be a black guy from the ‘hood who grew up with every disadvantage. Real ‘hood. Like in the “‘hood” ‘hood. Where the.. Where people were like, “Yo, coz, let’s go kill some motherfuckers today.” I want my doctor to be the guy that says, “No, man. I’m gonna be a doctor.” And everybody in the ‘hood was like, “Ain’t nobody fuck with Daverel, he gonna be a doctor and shit.” That’s how I know I got the right doctor, ’cause he’ll say “and shit” at the end of sentences. Look pissed off when I walk into the office. That’s the doctor I want. “Hi, Mr. Peters. Seems your nasal passage is inflamed and shit. You fill out this little bitch-ass prescription. Holler at me tomorrow, motherfucker.” That’s the right doctor for me. I don’t want my doctor to be some bratty Indian kid who grew up in Mississauga. When he’s doing an operation, he just goes, “Fuck this shit. I wanna play guitar.” Then the black guy has to run in, “Don’t worry, dog. I got this. It’s gonna hurt and shit.” I never had to worry about doing anything great with my life. I didn’t. I didn’t have that pressure. I didn’t have that Indian pressure that a lot of Indian kids have. “Do something great.” My parents knew I was an idiot. From a very young age, my parents were like, “Oh, man.” I was a terrible student. I hated school. I never had to work, my parents.. My parents never had careers. They never had professions. They just had jobs. There are no professionals in my family on either side. Just a bunch of dummies. You know what I mean? But regular hard-working people. Just regular jobs. My mom worked in Kmart. Not.. Not in head office, in the store. My dad worked.. I never really understood. You ask my dad what he did. “What do you do?” “I work.” “Where?” “At my job.” “What do you do?” “Job-related work.” I never understood what my dad did. I was five, my dad was going to work, I stopped him and I go: “Dad, where are you going?” He goes, “Work.” I go, “What do you do?” “I work at a chicken plant.” And then he left. You can’t tell a five-year-old that you work at a chicken plant and then walk out of the house. I’m five years old. I can’t comprehend what a chicken plant is. I know what I chicken is, and I know what a plant is. For the next 7 years, I told people that my dad planted chickens. It wasn’t till I was 12, I was like, “Dad..” He was going to work, I go, “Dad, what exactly do you do?” He goes: “I check to see if the chickens are good or not.” And then he left. And I still didn’t know what that meant. I literally picture my dad standing around, going, “Good chicken. Good chicken. Stop the line. Bad chicken.” I don’t know what he did to the bad chicken. “I wanna talk to you for a minute. Come here. Come here. Listen, you need to get your shit together. Okay? Start clucking like the rest of them. Don’t be such a cock.” Never had to worry about school. I mean, I did, because I was in it. But.. But my parents gave up. They gave up early. They knew.. They would literally beg me. They’ll be like, “Son, please, just try and get 50. It’s a pass. Just get 50.” I’m not bragging, and.. Nor am I glorifying this. But.. Um, this is an actual mark I got in grade nine typing. Typing. All right? It was 1984. Don’t judge me. There were no computers yet. It was actual typewriters. Um, my typing.. My final mark was 13 percent. Even my dad was like, “Son… Son, you’ve hit a new low. Do you realize you get 25 percent just for signing your name correctly? What fucking name did you put?!” They gave up when I was a teenager. They did. My only rule when I’d leave the house was.. I’m like, “Dad, I’m going to the mall.” “Okay. Son, oh, don’t die.” That was it. That was their only rule. “Don’t die. We’ve already failed enough. We don’t need the ultimate failure. Well, don’t die while I’m alive. After I die, die as many times as you want. But… while I’m here, don’t die.” Never had to worry about a career or a job. Well, a job, yes, just not a profession. When I was 16, my dad comes to me and goes: “Son, one day, you won’t be in school anymore.” And I was like, “I’m gonna graduate?” “No, son. Focus, son. Focus. Focus. Come on. That’s never going to happen. Okay? When you’re not in school, you’re going to need to get a job.” I was like, “Of course, I’m going to get a job. I’m not a freeloader. And if you know anybody hiring, let me know.” He goes, “Well, the airport is hiring.” Here’s how dumb I was. My dad said the airport was hiring and I was like, “Oh, my God. My dad wants me to be a pilot.” I was like, “You want me to be a pilot?” “Oh, my God. Son, no. Oh, my God, no. Oh, my God. Oh, Mylanta. No, no, no. Oh, my God. Son, you are far too stupid for that job. People’s lives are at stake.” “What the hell am I gonna do at the airport?” My dad goes, “Baggage handler.” “What the hell is a baggage handler?” My dad sells the shit out of it to me. “A baggage handler? Son, let me tell you something, okay? These people are an integral part of millions of people’s travel plans throughout the year.” I was like, “Damn. Well, what does their job entail?” “Basically, baggage handler’s job is, you take the baggage and you put it on the plane.” “What do I do?” “You take the baggage and you put it on the plane.” “I ‘putted’ on the plane?” “You put it on the plane.” “I ‘putted’?” “You put it.” “Like… ‘put’?” “Like ‘put.'” “Like:” “Don’t be stupid. Okay? That’s ‘putting.’ Focus, son. Focus. Focus.” I said, “Dad, I wanna be a break-dancer.” “Son, son, you can dance on your break.” Anything Indian people can do, I can’t. I’m impressed whenever you do something intelligent. Like computers. I’m shit on a computer. Are you good on a computer, Edward? You’re Chinese. You’d better be good on a computer. You’re making them all day. The least you can do is be good on them. Do you work with a computer for a living? Yeah. So, you.. Yeah. -What do you prefer, a PC or a Mac? -I prefer a PC. PC. Yeah. That’s how you know you’re good on a computer. People don’t believe I’m not good on a computer. “You’re Indian. You’re supposed to be good on a computer.” An Indian guy saying he’s not good on a computer is like a black guy going, “I ain’t got no rhythm.” PC, that’s the.. That’s the showoff. You know that’s the.. “I know how to get on a computer and avoid diseases.” I use a Mac, because Macs are stupid-people friendly. I am a stupid people. The real reason I use a Mac is ’cause I go to a lot of questionable websites. But what I’m trying to tell you is… if you’re gonna surf porn, surf porn on a Mac. Surfing porn on a Mac is like having sex with a condom on. You’re like, “I don’t care what she has. I’m not gonna get anything.” Surfing porn on a PC is like raw-dogging a hooker, you know? You’re just, “Oh, my God! It feels good, but I’m scared. I’m so scared! Oh, my God! It burns when I download.” You know, the worst day in my life is when I have a problem with my laptop and I have to call the 1-800 number on the back of it. I don’t care they’ve outsourced the call to India. That makes me happy. The part that bothers me is that that guy in India knows who I am. “I’m having a problem with my laptop.” “Okay, sir. And your good name?” “Sorry?” “Your good name.” “My good name? What is that? My password? You want my password?” “No, sir.Your good name. Your good name?” “What the fuck is my good name?” “Your surname, family name?” “Oh. Why didn’t you say so? Peters.” “Okay. And your first name?” “What’s that?” “Your first name.” “I don’t have a forest name. Enchanted? If I was in the forest, my name would be ‘Lost.’ What are you asking me now?” “No, sir. Your first name?” “What the fuck is my forest name? What is that? Slow it down, buddy.” “First name.” “That’s the same fucking thing!” “Sir, the name you use on a daily basis.” “Oh, heh, sorry, man. Russell.” “Okay. No way! Is it really you?” I’m all proud. I’m like, “Yes, it is.” He goes, “Well, well, well. All those jokes you made, huh? Now who needs help, huh? Okay, bastard. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to mirror your computer.” “What?” “Mirror your computer.” “Mirror my computer? What does that mean?” “I’m going to gain full access to your laptop remotely.” “Really? How do you..?” Then I see the mouse moving around on my screen. “What the hell happened?” “I have gained full access to your laptop. Let’s go through your history.” “Let’s not go through my history. How about that? Let’s…” “Well, well, well. Heh. Lusty grandmas.” “It was a pop-up.” “I’m sure they popped up just fine, huh? Seems to pop-up three, four times a day.” How you doing, sir? You good? What’s your name? -Vince. -Vince. -Italian? -Yep. I could tell by the way you said “Vince.” “Hey, Vince. Always got to sound like I’m doing some illegal shit.” I love talking to Italian guys. They fuck the air when you talk to them. Ever see that? “Bro, where you been?” “I’m on the 400. I’m going north.” “Not the 400. 401. You don’t need to go this way. You need to go that way.” Is that your lovely wife? Hi, lovely wife. How are you? -How long you guys been together? -Twenty-one years. Twenty-one years. That’s great. That’s good. Kids? Not you two. I mean, do you have kids? -Yeah. -Yeah. -One girl. -One girl. How old? -Thirteen. -Thirteen. Nice. You waited. That’s nice. Thought you’d enjoy each other for a few years, and then: Send one home. You know? She bent over in the kitchen, and you were on the phone giving directions. “Vince, I just need to get this pot.” “What are you doing?” “Oh, my God! I’m pregnant.” One girl. That’s all you wanted, right? One kid? You.. I got one. I got a daughter, as well. I like her. She’s, um.. One’s all you need. I’m not.. I don’t want more than one kid. I’m not fucking collecting them. You know what I mean? They’re not going up in value, you know? So, one and done for me. I think the real reason, like, I never wanted more kids is because… I know me, and I know what an idiot I am. And I’m one of those people who gets dazzled by new things. So, I don’t want my daughter to be, like, the object of everything in my life, then a new kid comes along, “Beat it, kid. Look at this one.” She’s like, “I thought you loved me?” “I do. Look at this new one. It’s so much better.” I know what an idiot I am. So, this is just gonna be the one and done. -You spoil her? -Yeah. Oh, yeah. How old are you, Vince? -Forty-six. -Forty-six. We’re the same age. You know what I mean? “Yeah. No problem. Forty-six.” And you had immigrant parents, Vince? Yeah. From Italy? Yeah. You know what I’m talking about. Immigrant parents, they don’t play. Immigrant parents don’t give you idle threats. If they tell you to do something, they fucking mean do that. There’s no negotiating. You don’t talk back to your parents. You’re Italian. You’d get a schiaffo right on your head. Right? Let me tell you what happened. My daughter was in her bedroom, laying on her bed, and I.. And I burst into her room, right? First, she’s five. She’s not gonna be doing anything weird. Uh… Second of all, it’s my house, I’ll burst into whatever room I want. So, I.. My daughter’s lying on her bed with her iPad watching Frozen. You know? As children do. And so, I burst in and I’m like, “Baby!” And I guess it startled her, but she didn’t react like a 5-year-old. Aah! She reacted like a woman. She got angry. Not like a little kid. She became a woman instantly. And then I was like, “Baby!” And she went.. Shh! Without using any words, my daughter went, “Motherfucker! Do you not see what I’m doing?!” And if your kid ever calls you a motherfucker, you can’t get mad. Because, yeah. You are, Vince. If you weren’t a motherfucker, they wouldn’t be here. If there’s any kids in here, I want you to try calling your dad a motherfucker. Um, you look young, buddy. So, try it. But you can’t do it when you’re angry. You gotta do it when everything’s calm, you know? Like, you can be at the dinner table. “Ma, this pot roast is fantastic. Hey, motherfucker, can you pass the peas?” “Sure. What the.. What happened?” But she got so mad, and just immediately was just.. Shh! And I just thought it was hilarious. I started laughing immediately. Now, I don’t know if that’s because I’m a comedian. Or if I’m just a shit parent. But my little daughter went: Shh! And I thought it was the funniest thing in the world. And the more I laughed, the angrier she got, like a real woman. And the angrier she got, the more I laughed. Until it was just like, “Daddy! Stop it!” And I’m like, “I can’t!” And then I thought about it. I can’t picture.. I can’t even imagine one single time in my life, let alone at 5, that I could have ever said, “shh,” to my parents. Sitting in the living room, watching TV, and my dad walks in, “Russell.” Shh. “You don’t shush me! I’ll throw that TV at you!” This was 1975 when TVs weighed 1800 pounds, when it was more than just a TV. It was a TV, it was a speaker system, it was a shelving unit. It had a turntable on the top with a cassette deck and an 8-track player. It had a shitty doily that ran across the top. It had a vase with plastic flowers in it for no reason. Remember the plastic flowers? They were huge in the Indian world. Indian community. “Plastic? Wait, wait. So, we just buy the one flower, one time, and you don’t have to replenish it. Genius. Absolute genius.” Remember those plastic flowers that were like this long, and they were on a wire, plastic? My dad was so cheap, he bought one, he bought a vase that was only this big, so we had to bend the wire. So, now, you have, like, half a flower and half a wire sticking out. And nobody ever dusted them or cleaned them, so they were never the color they were. People would walk by, ooh.. “Oh, red. Nice. Nice.” Think about how angry your parents were all the time. They were mad. Always. I don’t know why they were so mad. They weren’t mad at you. Just mad. Our parents had no problem disappointing us, did they? I’ll do whatever it takes to not disappoint my daughter. If I tell them I’m gonna do something, I’ll do that plus something else. You know, because we’re idiots. Because we grew up wanting things. I never had more than I needed. I never did without. I mean, but I never had extra shit. Like, I would get the one pair of shoes every year in September for school, and it was like, “Son, you’re getting one new pair of sneakers.” I’m like, “Yes.” “Let’s go see what BiWay has. I have a coupon. I, too, am getting a pair.” I would get one toy a year. One toy. On my birthday. It was.. It was such a bullshit deal, though. My birthday would come, my dad would be like, “Let’s go to the toy store.” And we’d go to the toy store, and my dad would be like, “You can have anything in this bucket right here.” “Everything’s broken in that. This gun is in two pieces.” “Why don’t you look at it as two guns? The glass is half full.” So, when you grow up like that, when you want things, and you get a little money, you do it. I got a little bit of money. I start buying everything I wanted, then I spoil my daughter. I buy her shit she doesn’t know she wants. I buy it ’cause I would have wanted it. Not wanting to disappoint your child can backfire on you. Let me tell you what happened. Couple years ago, I moved into this new house. I was building.. Not building.. I had a really nice bedroom for my daughter. I do have. Not had. I didn’t lose the shit. I, uh.. And I wanted to get a really cool bed. And I was like, “Baby, I wanna get you a really fun bed.” And she’s like, “I want a fun bed.” She was three at the time. And then I go, “Come on. Come here. Sit with me. And we’ll look at beds online.” She goes, “Okay.” So, I pull up my laptop, and I go to Google. I put safe search on ’cause I’m not an idiot. You know, I don’t need dicks flying up when I’m trying to look at stuff. Put safe search on, and then I type in “cool beds for little girls.” And all these cool beds showed up online. It was like.. This shit I’d never.. I didn’t even dream about seeing. And then.. And she goes, “Daddy, I want a castle bed.” And I’m like, “I want a castle bed, too. I mean, for you.” So, we find this castle bed. It’s amazing. It’s a queen-sized bed on the bottom. Full queen-sized bed. And then, it’s got stairs that lead upstairs to a double bed. And it has a steeple like a castle. And then it has a slide that comes around the other side. My daughter’s like, “I want that one!” And I go, “I want you to have that one, too.” And we’re high-fiving. Yay! Yay! “Is it gonna be here tomorrow?” “Wait, let me first buy it.” So, I’m like “add to cart.” Yes. Check out. Yes. And she’s like, “Will it be here?” “Hold on. Let me just hit ‘purchase.'” Purchase. $10,000. And I’m like, “Fuck me!” And my daughter’s like, “What?” “No, no, no!” And I had to buy it, she was sitting right there. And I got her all excited about it. I bought a $10,000 bed for a 3-year-old. And this little bitch hasn’t slept in it once! Two fucking years, and she hasn’t slept in the goddamn bed! She has a queen-sized bed… from the age of 3. I never had a queen-sized bed till I was 30. And that was because that’s when I moved out of my parents’ house. I know.. You guys go, “Thirty?” I’m like, “For an Indian guy, that’s pretty young.” I was.. I was 30 when I moved out and.. My brother was 36. He was.. He goes, “Where are you going?” “Moving out.” “I better go with you. I don’t wanna look like a loser.” “It’s too late. You’re 36. It’s..” -You have kids, sir? -Yes. -How many? -Two. Two. Are those them? -Those your kids? Are they..? -No. No? Okay. I just.. I saw two more white people. I figured they might be yours. -What do you have? -A daughter and a son. A daughter and son. Who’s older, daughter or son? -Daughter. -Daughter. Which one do you like better? Both? Wait. Wait. Listen to the question, sir. What’s your name? -Greg. -Okay, Greg. When I ask which one do you like better, I’m not asking you which one you love more. I don’t think you love either of them more than the other. Correct? -Yes. -You love them both equally. You don’t want anything bad to happen to either of them, but you like one better. It’s.. It’s human nature, Greg. Listen, liking one of your children more than the other is literally the difference between running and walking. Let me explain. You’re in the living room, you’re watching TV, and all of a sudden, you hear somebody fall down the stairs. “Oh, my God. Who was that?” “It’s me.” “Oh, my God!” Right? Okay. You’re in the living room, watching TV. All of a sudden, you hear: “Oh, my God! Who was that?” “It’s me.” “Oh, for fuck sakes.” You’re.. You’re still gonna go… but which one are you running for? Probably the girl, huh? -There you go. -How old are they? -My daughter’s 14. My son is 28. -Your daughter’s 14. Your son’s 28. Wait, I thought you said your son was younger? Oh, he’s older. So, that’s the baby, always. It’s the little girl, right? Yeah, that’s the way we work. -What’s your name, buddy? -Omar. Omar. Where’s your family from? Egypt. Oh, shit, that’s sphinx. Um… Nope. That joke flew right past him. I like that. I waited for a second, but it didn’t go anywhere. -And is that your girlfriend, your wife? -My wife. Your wife? And she’s not Egyptian, right? Are you okay, sweetheart? Are you..? Are you a hostage? Blink if you need help. You grew up in Poland. When did you move to Canada? -In ’82. -’82. So, when you grew up in Poland, were you learning..? Were they speaking Russian back then? -I had to take Russian. -You had to take Russian. -So, you speak Russian or understand it? -Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. I just learned how to say “how are you?” in Russian. Do you know how to say “how are you?” in Russian, Vince? “Cock dealer.” I swear. This Russian guy walked up to me. He goes, “Hey, kak dela?” I go, “Hey, hey, hey, man.” I don’t give a shit if you’re a blackjack dealer, all right? Don’t come around here offering me all that. When you find vag dealer, send her over. I like listening to people speak Russian. You ever heard people speak Russian? It’s amazing. They sound like they’re talking backwards. Vladimir… Blyad. That’s a real swear word in Russian, blyad. It’s like they didn’t have a swear word and some guy drank too much vodka. “Boris, how do you feel?” He feels blyad. Are there any Russian people here? All right. Where are you? -You Russian, bro? -Yeah, bro. -What’s your name? -Anand. What? Anand? Omar? Jamaal? Where are you from, Anand? My parents are from Uzbekistan. Your parents are from Uzbekistan. Oh, yeah, that makes more sense. Yeah. There’s.. Okay. So, yeah, you’re speaking Russian. Speak Russian? -Yeah. -Nice. Maybe you can clear this up for me. Um… Uh, last summer, I had to do some plumbing work on my house in Los Angeles, and I hired these two Russian plumbers. Great guys. Let me just say this. They were great guys. They were reasonably priced. They were on time. They were tidy. They did good work. They never gave me any problems. They were respectful. But… every day when they would come to work, they would call me by my last name and then giggle like little kids. “Good morning, Mr. Peter.” I’m like, “It’s Peters. Mr. Peters.” “Okay, Peter.” “Why don’t you call me Russell?” “Okay. Russell Peter.” I’m like, “What are they laughing at?” So, I called one of my Russian friends. Like, “Yo, these guys come to the house, they call me by my last name and giggle.” He goes, “What are they saying?” “Mr. Peter.” Then he’s like: “That’s messed up, man.” I go, “Why?” “Your last name. In Russian, it means ‘faggot.'” “Like, do you mean gay?” “No.” “Homosexual?” “No. Faggot.” “Mr. Peter… seems your pipes are blocked.” “Nice castle bed, Peter.” I’m.. I’m what they call a sleeper. I, uh… I’m lazy is what I’m trying to tell you. I love sleep. Like, I genuinely.. If I can get 14 hours a day, I’m good. I might have been a koala in my last life or something, you know? But… I just love sleep. I’ve been doing stand-up for 27 years, not because.. I do love what I do. Don’t get it wrong. But I didn’t get into this because I was like: “Oh, I’m gonna be looking.. One day, I’ll be something.” No. I got into this because in 1989, I was standing around with my friends, and I was like, “Yo, I wanna get a job where I could sleep all day… and then work for, I don’t know, like, an hour. And my friend goes, “Comedian.” I’m like, “I’ll take it.” “You don’t know how.” “I’ll figure it out.” This isn’t talent. This is determination… for sleep. I love sleep. And when we’re sleeping with you, ladies.. And I mean sleeping with you. Just sleeping. ..you need to know that your man respects your sleep, because a man.. I mean, when I’m sleeping and my girlfriend’s beside me, I will do whatever it takes to not disturb her sleep. And I would hope she would do the same. But I will do whatever it takes to not ruin her sleep. Obviously, there’s those times when you roll over in the middle of the night. You know, it’s.. We’ll do that until we’ve.. “Get off me!” I’m like, “Oh, my God! Sorry. Oh, my God. Thank God you woke me up. I was having a nightmare. I…” But other than that… we’ll do whatever it takes to not disturb your sleep. When we’re sleeping with you, ladies.. And I know this.. For me, especially. When my girlfriend’s asleep beside me, I’ll do whatever it takes to not disturb her. And more often than not, now, especially after 40, like, 3:30 in the morning, I’ll get waken up ’cause I have to pee, and then I’m like, “You know what? Look at her, all pretty and sleepy and… I don’t wanna disturb her, so I’m gonna risk a bladder infection.” And then I go back to sleep. Right? And then about ten minutes into my sleep, I start dreaming about peeing. That’s your body going, “Hey, didn’t I try to tell you something a minute ago?” The minute you start dreaming about peeing, you have to get up and do it, ’cause your body’s like, “Nah, uh-uh. We’re not playing this game.” And when I finally agree that I’m gonna go to the bathroom, I become the most stealth-like ninja human being you’ve ever seen in your life. I start edging towards my side of the bed. And while I’m doing that, I’m pushing up the blanket right behind her, you know? So, that way it feel like I’m still there. Then when I get to the edge of the bed, I literally pour myself out of the bed. Then I get up. When you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, guys, you have to make an announcement. It doesn’t have to be loud. It doesn’t have to disturb anybody, but you have to say, “I just gotta pee.” Because if she wakes up and you’re not there, she immediately assumes you’re sleeping with somebody else. It’s a safety thing. It’s an insurance policy. She doesn’t have to react to it. She doesn’t have to move. You just have to say, “I just gotta pee.” And she’s dreaming. She’s asleep. She’s dreaming about playing tennis. “I just gotta pee.” Made my announcement. Ready to go to the bathroom. I know where the squeaks are in the floor, so I avoid them. I tiptoe the whole way. When you get to the bathroom door, guys, this is very important. You have to grip the handle firmly, very firmly. And I open it so slowly. I turn the knob so slow that you could literally hear the spring inside recoiling. Like coil by coil. And you’re like, “Shut the fuck up, door.” But you’re the only one that can hear it. And then when you get it unlocked, you have to open it swiftly. You have to push it open quick. You can’t do it slow, in case it goes: Right? So, you gotta.. And then… Then I reach around on the inside and I grab the handle, and then I close the door slowly, and then: Now I’m able to go to the toilet. Now, when you get to the toilet, guys, this is very important. You have to pee… to the inside of the bowl. Because you don’t wanna make.. There’s no sense you going through all the tiptoeing and the…and she just.. You just hear: You gotta.. You gotta.. You pee to the side of the bowl. You don’t wanna break water. So, you pee to the inside of the bowl so the pee just cascades into the water, and there’s no noise. And then when I’m done, I take the seat and the lid and I close it. And then I flush, because I’m trying to mute the noise as much as possible. And then I stand there and I wait until the tank refills. Then, and only then, do I head back to the bedroom. I don’t wash my hands. First of all, I took a shower right before I went to bed. Second of all, it’s my dick. It wasn’t dragging through mud. Literally, a minute ago, it was asleep on my balls. Just.. And just so you know, ladies, nine times out of ten, when a guy goes to the bathroom, we don’t even use our hands. We pee like Superman. Just.. So, then I tiptoe my way back to bed, and then when I get to the mattress, I put my shoulder on it first. You gotta put your shoulder on the bed. And then I put one leg up, right? So, I got an even distribution of weight on the bed now, right? And then I just do this little jujitsu kind of roll. I just.. I kind of roll my whole body and then I roll onto the bed, and then: And, bam, my arm ends up right around her. And she has no clue that I left and went to the bathroom. And we do it that way, ladies, because men respect a woman’s sleep. Now… when a woman has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, she doesn’t give a shit if you haven’t slept in four years. If she gets woken up out of her sleep, it’s everybody’s problem. They don’t wake up and think, “I have to pee.” They wake up and go, “Oh, my God! I gotta pee!” And then she hurls the blankets. Hurls the blankets off of her so violently that they come right off of me and I’m like, “I’m freezing right now.” And this beautiful, petite, little woman leaps out of bed like a cat, but lands like a hippopotamus, just… She goes and finds her tap shoes ’cause she wants to make extra noise. Then she gets to the bathroom, the door handle slips out of her hand. Slams the door, whack! Gets into the toilet. Goes to lift seat, it slips out of her fingers, whack! Loudest noise in the world. Then she sits down to pee. Ladies, when you sit down to pee, why can’t you just sit down and pee? Why do you have to sit down and go:? And you ever heard a woman peeing? It’s the loudest thing you’ll ever hear. What are you, cutting concrete in there? And then when she’s done, she goes to flush, but does half a flush. And now you’ve gotta sit through two flushes. And.. Then she goes to wash her hands and she knocks over a glass, and then.. Now she’s done. And she storms back to the bedroom. Storms back to the bedroom. And she slams that bathroom door behind her so hard that it doesn’t catch, it just bounces back open. And this asshole left a light on in there. So, now there’s a beam of light entering the bedroom. And she’s stomping her elephant ass back. She’s 110 pounds. I don’t know where all this weight’s coming from. Instead of getting back in the bed like a normal human being? No. She turns into fucking Hulk Hogan when she’s coming back to bed. “I’m coming back to bed, brother.” And she.. And she slams herself on the bed so hard that my entire body bounces up. And then I go, “Hey, is everything okay?” “Oh, my God. Did I wake you?” Yeah, bitch. You woke everybody on the northern hemisphere up. How you doing, buddy? -What is your name anyway? -Kevin. Kevin. Oh, yeah. Kevin and Edward, the Chinese guys. Good solid Chinese names. What style of Asian are you, sir? -Me? -Yeah. -Filipino. -Filipino. Nice. That’s good. It’s not a pep rally for the Filipinos, it’s just.. I was just in the Philippines. Have you been? -I have. -Yeah. I didn’t know that Indian people in the Philippines are such villains. Do you know this? In the Philippines, Indian.. They’ve vilified Indians so bad. Like, you.. They literally use Indian people as a threat to get their kids to go to sleep. They would be like, “If you don’t go to bed, the bumbais will come in the nighttime. And your blood will run down the streets.” How did we get such a shitty reputation over there? I see white people, but I don’t see real proper Canadian white people. You know that I mean? Where are the cakers? Where are you? Sir? Yeah. Look. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. That’s.. There we go. Good. I miss you, guys. I love when I come back home. I’ve been gone for ten years. And it’s so weird, because when you grow up.. You’re born and raised here, and you don’t notice things about it until you leave. And I never really noticed the Canadian accent until I left. Now, when I come home, that’s all I fucking hear. And if you really think about the Canadian accent, it sounds smart and dumb at the exact same time, doesn’t it? “Oh, Christ. Look at you, eh?” “Oh, yeah.” “Oh, yeah. Are you back in town?” “No, it’s a fucking hologram you’re looking at, asshole.” “Oh, no doubt, eh? No doubt. No doubt, eh?” “Oh, fuck, yeah. No doubt.” “No, fucking doubt. Oh!” White people talk till they have no breath. “Fuckers, don’t, don’t! No!” “No doubt, eh? Fuck. So, you’re gonna tape the new special, are you?” “Oh, yeah. Right on. Right on.” I know you probably don’t hear it, even when I’m doing it. Like, “He sounds normal to me.” But you really gotta pay attention. Listen to a hockey player in an interview. They always say and sound the exact same way. “Oh, yeah, yeah. No. We got out there tonight and, uh, you know, coach says we need to play more as a team and, you know, push the puck around and look for openings and see the guys out there and, you know, pretty much have a good game of hockey.” “No doubt. No doubt. Oh, yeah.” “No fucking doubt, eh?” “Oh, heh, yeah.” You were born in Canada. Right, sir? Hello? Is your..? Were your parents from Canada, too? -Yes. -Yes. That’s the real Canadian. That’s.. That’s some shit. You should be like, “Yes!” We live in a weird time. You realize that? We live in a time where.. Like in.. Especially in the U.S., with their whole election shit going on. They’ve made a big deal out of race this year. Which is weird. When Obama was in it, they didn’t mention race once. They were like, “There’s a black guy here. Everybody keep their shit quiet.” Black dude. Are you a black guy right there? You might be a dark-ass Indian guy. I don’t know. I’m asking you. Are you a black guy? Hello? Does the mike not reach that way? Can you not…? You’re a black guy? -Black and Indian guy. -Black and Indian guy? Okay. Well, you got the best of both worlds. You can run fast and spell great, so, um… That’s a black guy right there. Black dude. You’re a black guy? You know that? I don’t think I need to… -How old are you anyway? -I’m 39. Thirty-nine. See, you have to ask a black person their age. You always have to ask, ’cause you can never guess a black person’s age. You will be wrong 100 percent of the time. ‘Cause here’s the thing with black people. They stop aging at some point. Their body goes, “Fuck it. This is as old as I’m gonna look.” But their insides keep aging, you know? That’s how you can tell a black person’s age. Ask them. You hear it in their voice. Their voice gets older. And then their points of reference start to get really obscure. “What are you, like 40?” “Uh-uh. Baby. I ain’t been 40 in about 45 years. Shit. I know. That’s right. That make me wanna jitterbug.” Why the black community and the police have a hard time, ’cause the cops could never describe a black man properly. Well, the suspect is a black male between the age of 18 and 97. Everything is race-based. You know? And that’s fine for me. I made a living out of it. But… when it hits the political side.. You got Donald Trump saying crazy shit like: “No more immigrants. I’m gonna stop immigration.” I’m like, “Donald Trump, if you stop immigration, how are you gonna get another wife?” Two out of his three wives have been immigrants. Two out of three. You know, when people say “immigrant,” they just picture this room. They picture non-white people. You hear “immigrant,” you picture brown, black, Asian. Brown, black, Asian. That’s all you picture. Reassess that. Start picturing white people. Look at Greg. He looks like a regular white guy, but has an accent. You didn’t see that coming. You need to start picturing white people with your immigrants, because they look like regular white people. What’s your name? Hello. No, the white guy behind you, Asian guy. The Asian guy’s like, “Me? My name is, uh… not white guy.” -Dan. -Dan. Dan, you need to start picturing white immigrants, ’cause they look just like you. They look like regular white people, but then they open their mouth and no English. Nothing. You can always tell by looking at them, though. Regular white Canadian or white Americans, they always look bored. It’s in the body language. They always look like: Like nothing impresses them, you know? But white immigrants, you look at their body language. “Electricity. I can go bathroom indoors? Who’s going to clean the bucket?” The good thing about my job is I get to travel around the world and see all kinds of things. I’ve seen the whole world. Is that your mom with you, Dan? Hi, Mom. How are you? How old are you, Mom? Old enough to know better. Old enough to know better. And old enough to start to forget, but.. Um… Uh… Ahem. But.. Everyone’s like, “Russell!” Hey, man, she started it. Um… I’m really immature, Ma, I apologize. Have you..? You’re obviously retired, I would hope. Um, do you travel at all? Have you gone around the world at all? -No. -No, you gotta do it. You gotta go. Take Dan with you so he could fucking stare at things. I’m fucking with you, Dan. Sorry, buddy. Let me tell you something. I’ve been doing this 27 years. Born and raised in Canada. I’ve been in the U.S. for ten years. I’ve seen the entire world a few times now. It’s round. I don’t know.. I don’t know how old you are. I don’t know what you were taught, but it’s round now. It’s confirmed. Confirmed. And, um… It’s a wonderful world we live in. It’s a great place. And you gotta go and see it. You know? Like, white people need to travel more. I think that’s an issue, you know? By “travel more,” I don’t mean go to.. When I’m in the States and I ask: “You travel?” “Yeah. All over.” “Where do you go?” “Florida, New York, Seattle.” I’m like, “That’s not fucking traveling. That’s going in the country you live in.” Indian people try the same. “Do you travel?” “Oh, I travel all the time. I go to India and back and…” That’s not traveling. If you’re Indian and you go to India, that’s not traveling. That’s going back to where the fuck you came from. I remember when I was a kid. When my family was going to India, it was the most hush-hush operation. My dad would give me two days’ notice. “In two days, we’re going to India. Don’t tell anybody.” “Why not?” “They’ll want us to take a suitcase.” Having traveled the whole world, this whole beautiful world of ours, and seeing everything from his people to.. I haven’t gone to Egypt yet, I’m waiting for you guys to sort your shit out. Um… Been to China, been to Hong Kong, been to Macao, been to the Philippines. Been everywhere. Been to South Africa. Not been to Italy.. Once, you know. Had an itchy dick. The guy thought I was talking to him. “Hey, hey, hey.” Having traveled the whole world, let me tell you this. I realized something. I can only live in North America. And whether it’s Canada or the U.S., doesn’t bother me. As long as I’m in this continent, I’m good. But if they were like, “You can no longer live in North America. You must leave immediately,” the only other place I would consider living would be Bombay, India. And… I love Bombay. It’s one of my favorite places in the entire world. The reason I love Bombay is because I love New York, and Bombay reminds me of New York, but with less Indian people in Bombay. You gotta go to India, Mom. You’ve gotta go to India. Trust me. Before it’s all over, go to India. I’ll tell you why you gotta go. Because the five senses that you were born with have never been fully utilized… …until you go to India. And going to Brampton doesn’t count. I mean, India. You go to India, you’ll experience sight, sound and smell in less than one minute. You’ll just be standing here.. Did a sheep just fart and drive a train past me? What the hell was that? You gotta go. You gotta go to India. Let’s just say you go, right? So, you go to Bombay. I’ll warn you in advance. There’s a lot of people there. A shit ton of people. It’s not dangerous, so you don’t have to worry. Say you get there and get freaked out, you’re like, “I’m staying in my room.” It’s worth going there to just sit in your hotel room and watch the news. Watching the news in India is the best thing you’ve ever seen in your life. They have the craziest news you’ve ever seen in your life. Like, if any one of those things that happens in India on a daily basis happened in America just once, America would shut down. Let’s be honest. America loves to panic. That’s how they control the American people. They feed them with all these lies and propaganda. That’s how the media controls the American people. That’s how they think. “Well, you better not leave America ’cause look what they’re doing over there. Real crazy.” They do. That’s how they control the people, with the media. And you don’t believe me? Remember a couple years ago? Ebola. Remember that? “Ebola’s here! We’re all gonna die!” I’m like, “Oh, my God! How many people have it?” “One guy. But he’s black and he’s fast. We can’t catch him.” Whenever anything bad happens in America, they have these overly dramatic newscasts. “It’s a sad day for America. And an even worse day… for Americans. We’ll be right back after these messages.” Then they cut to my favorite commercial. “I’m Wilford Brimley. When I first found out about my diabetes… I knew it’d be a problem ’cause I can’t pronounce ‘diabetes.'” You watch the news in India. They deliver the worst news you’ve ever heard in your life so casually. Today, 743 people are dead… as a bicycle collided with a goat. Funeral services for the goat will be held this weekend… followed by a delicious goat curry.” Thank you very much, guys. You were awesome. Good night. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/the-roast-of-tom-brady-transcript/ | The Roast of Tom Brady (2024) | Transcript | the roast | The Roast of Tom Brady (2024)
Director: Beth McCarthy-Miller
Stars: Tom Brady, Kevin Hart, Jeff Ross, Nikki Glaser, Bert Kreischer
Running time: 2h 59m The Roast of Tom Brady is a celebrity roast special that aired on Netflix. Former American football quarterback Tom Brady of the New England Patriots and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers served as the night’s roastee with many celebrities in attendance, in addition to comedians, former teammates and former Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick. The show was hosted by Kevin Hart and “roastmaster general” Jeff Ross. It aired live on Netflix as part of the “Netflix is a Joke” comedy festival in Los Angeles, California on May 5, 2024. * * * [helicopter whirring] [tense music playing] It’s great seeing you again. This is a big night. The fans want you, everyone wants you, but it’s not your night. Sorry, Drew. Brady? Yeah, coach? You’re in. Let’s go! Let’s go. Are you fucking kidding me? Again? [dramatic music playing] [audience cheers] Now, live from the Netflix Is a Joke Festival, it’s the greatest roast of all time. Let’s bring out the only man brave enough to step into the arena with the GOAT. Get on your feet for the one and only Kevin Hart! [rap music playing] [audience cheers] [Hart] Yeah! [inaudible dialogue] Y’all can do better than that, Los Angeles. Make some noise in here! I love it. I love it. Sit down. Sit down. [rap music fades] Sit down. Welcome. Welcome, guys. I wanna say good evening, and more importantly, I wanna welcome you to the greatest roast of all time. Understand what I just said? The greatest roast of all time. [audience cheers] There you go. That’s what I want. That’s what I want. Uh, guys, we are here to roast the greatest quarterback of all time. [audience cheers] Yeah. Wait, Joe Montana’s here? Is it Joe Montana, or is it…? [audience laughs] Okay. Well, you know what, guys? We’re live. These are real problems. If it’s not Joe Montana, then it should be worded differently. If it’s Tom Brady, we should say we’re talking about one of the greatest to do it. Not the greatest. The greatest is Joe Montana. Okay, that’s good. Okay. That’s good. That’s good. Okay. All right. Corrections are made. Guys, we are live. We are live here in Inglewood at the Kia Forum, the legendary Kia Forum. [audience cheers] There’s a lot of history attached to this place, man. A lot of greatness has happened in this building. This is the home of the original Showtime Lakers, man. Jerry Buss. Yes! [audience cheers] Yes. You know, a lot of people actually don’t know the real reason behind the name Showtime, right? It’s not because of, like, Magic and Kareem and their play. They called this place Showtime, uh, because Jerry Buss used to show everybody his dick in this building. This was where Jerry Buss pulled his dick out. A lot of nasty shit has happened in this building. A lot of fucking has went down in the Forum. That’s what they called it. The Fucking Forum is what they called it. I wish I had a black light right now, I’d turn that bitch on, so y’all can see the cum stains you sitting on in these nasty-ass seats. It’s a nasty place. That’s right. You better get comfortable being uncomfortable, baby. Now, right now, I know what you guys are probably asking yourself. You’re saying, “Guys, why didn’t we go to the Crypto.com Arena downtown?” The reason why we didn’t go there is because we didn’t wanna remind Tom’s fans of how much money he owes them. He fucked those people. Tom fucked those people. Yeah. Yes, he did. Fucked them good, didn’t he? Wow. Tom brought Boston with him tonight. Holy shit. Look at this. [audience cheers] Goddamn. I’ve never seen Inglewood so white. Jesus Christ. It’s so fucking white in here. Looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert just let out. Jesus Christ. This used to be home of the Lakers. Now it look like the home of the Quakers. What the fuck is going on? This is so bad. Tom is gonna have to kick those racist jokes tonight. He’s gonna have to kick them. It’s gonna be hard, though. I saw a white-only water fountain in the back. I did. [audience laughs] I did. I did. Fuck you, Tom. All right. Just gonna keep randomly saying, “Fuck you, Tom.” Uh, the good thing about the bathroom is that whole situation will be fine. It will be settled, but, guys, there’s good parts to the show tonight. And I wanna tell you what the good parts are. The good parts are attached to Tom Brady. Now, before I cut his legs out, before I take what he has underneath him, I actually wanna give him some ground to stand on, okay? I actually wanna address the fact that Tom Brady truly is the GOAT. Let’s talk about this man’s success. Let’s talk about it. [audience cheers] Let’s talk about it. Twenty-three seasons, seven Super Bowl wins. Seven. Yes. [audience cheers] A three-time NFL MVP. Goddamn. Guys, hearing me say it is one thing, but you actually seeing it for yourself is another. Take a look. [Netflix theme music playing] [announcer 1] And we’re about set to go, 110,000 settling in here at historic Michigan Stadium. Take a look at Tom Brady from Michigan, the most underrated college quarterback in the country. The crowd is on its feet. Brady takes the snap, drops back to throw, fires. [announcer 2] Touchdown, Patriots! What a throw from Tom Brady! Let’s go! Let’s go! Super Bowl Champions again. [Brady] Let’s go! [dramatic music playing] [narrator] The poorest way to face life is to face it with a sneer. Many men feel a kind of twisted pride and cynicism. It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena. Who strives gallantly. One play at a time, huh? Whose face is marred by dust, and sweat, and blood. [announcer 3] Brady, looking. [narrator] Who comes short again and again. [announcer 4] Oh, my goodness. [announcer 5] Tom Brady took a tremendous hit. [narrator] But if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. [announcer 5] Thing we know about Brady is that a comeback is always possible. [narrator] So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory… nor defeat. ♪ Drinkin’ dope Turned me to a superhero, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Hit that pill Turned me to a superhero, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Boominati Turned me to a superhero, yeah, yeah ♪ [audience cheers] [inaudible dialogue] ♪ I’m on that dope again I’m on that flow again ♪ [Hart] Ladies and gentlemen, please do me a favor and get on your goddam feet, and right now help me welcome the fucking GOAT. The best quarterback to ever do it, Tom Brady! [audience cheers] [rap music fades] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [audience cheers] Uh, please. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you. [audience chanting] Brady! Brady! Brady! Thank you. Brady! Brady! Brady! [man] That’s our MVP! [Brady] Thank you. All right. Are you guys ready? [audience cheers] Because I am. It’s game time. Let’s go. [indistinct chatter] [Hart] All right. All right. All right. Tom, get all your guys settled down. That’s right. It’s go time. What a crazy night, Tom. [Brady] Crazy. It’s finally here, man. It’s finally here. You know, Tom, this is crazy because for more than 20 years, Tom has ruined Sundays for football fans all over the country. All over the country. But tonight, tonight, tonight we’re gonna ruin yours, Tom. I’m gonna ruin your fucking Sunday. We are here… We are here to honor this man tonight. Man, this a room full of friends and family. I’m looking around. It’s insane. I wanna let you know, Tom, off the bat, that that’s not why I’m here. I’m not here for your support. I’m here for the money. They paid me well, right? Let’s just… Let’s just get that out. They paid me very, very well, Tom. And I’m also here to do little promo hits here and there. I’m on tour. It’s called “Acting My Age.” Go to kevinhartnation.com. Uh, it’s a live audience. Why would I not take advantage of this moment, Tom? It’s not about you. Fuck you. Uh… It’s a second of Kevin. Now, I think we do have to track Tom, and we do have to track where you are in your life right now. I wanna congratulate you, ’cause a peaceful life is what you’re now living, and that’s a big deal, a big deal. For two years. It’s been two years since Tom’s gotten divorced, right? Two years. Two years. And, uh… Since then, since then, Tom has been fucking. He’s been fucking. [audience laughs] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. Tom’s been putting that 2-inch tool to work. Yep. Yep. [Hart laughs] Yes, he has. Tom’s been fucking so much that his dick has CTE. Yeah. Yeah. [audience laughs] Most people get STDs, Tom gets CTEs. Yeah, it’s the difference. Good for you, though, Tom. By the way, single life is what you deserve because you had no choice. Gisele gave you a ultimatum. Gisele said, “You retire or we’re done.” That’s what she said to you, Tom. “You retire or we’re done.” Let me tell you something. When you got a chance to go 8-9, and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids… you gotta do what the fuck you gotta do, do you understand me? Yeah. You gotta do it. You gotta do it. You know what that’s called, Tom? You know what that’s called? [Brady] What? That’s called real nigga shit. That’s what that’s called, Tom. [audience laughs] Yeah, Tom! Fuck them kids. [audience laughs] Shit. Yeah. You asked me to come here, bitch. I told you what I was gonna do. Uh, this is also a good time to say, man, I love the fact that you and Gisele are finding a way to co-parent and still keep it together, man. Gisele is actually here supporting you tonight. But just for full transparency, uh, she came as Antonio Brown’s plus-one. How does that…? [audience laughs] What? What? What? What did I say? What did I say? I’m just here to have a good time. Before you can get comfortable, you gotta get uncomfortable. I’m removing the discomfort from this room. Speaking of discomfort, let’s talk about Bill Belichick for a second. Um, Tom… It’s just a good segue, man. You know, the world knows that you left Bill Belichick high and dry, man. You left him, and then you went to Tampa, and you won a championship. Holy shit. Holy shit. You left Bill Belichick with Mac Jones. Goddamn. Oh, you fucked him. You fucked him good. You did. You did, Tom. You fucked your coach. But let me tell you something, people. Let me tell you something. That’s what you gotta do to maintain your happiness. You understand? You sometimes got to fuck your coach. You know who else fucked that coach? Gisele. She fucked that karate man. [audience laughs] Nope. Nope. Listen. What? What? What a idiot. Why would you do this? What a idiot! All right. I mean, Jesus Christ, Tom. One of the smartest quarterbacks to ever play the game. How did you not see this coming? Eight fucking karate classes a day. Eight karate classes a day? She… [audience cheers] [Hart laughs] Eight karate classes a day and she’s still a white belt. She’s still a white belt. Fuck, Tom. The only bruises she have are on her ass. Everybody should have known it! All right, you gotta get uncomfortable. Oh, my God, the scariest part about this, guys, is if we have any problems, man, I’m worried for you. Jesus Christ, you can’t lose any fights to the bonus dad. Kids are gonna have to change their name. The fucking guy knows karate, Tom. You can’t fight this guy. I can’t help you with this guy. [exclaims] Everybody’s asking the same question right now, and I know what that question is. Who the fuck are these people behind me? Um, here’s a good time to tell you the truth. We lied. We told you guys that there would be a lot of superstars here tonight. But there aren’t. It’s just me. Uh, outside of me… You got me, you got a bunch of out-of-shape athletes, some horrible podcasters… [audience laughs] …and one whore. There’s one whore here. All right? What? What? Now, this dais is gonna be filled with energy and great jokes. I wanna let you guys all know that I’m quarterbacking this bitch tonight. With that being said, that means I’ve got a lot of guns with a lot of ammo. This is how these roasts work. See, the dais, they come up here, and they talk about Tom, they gonna take shots at me. I wanna let you guys know, I got two full fucking clips. Now, you fuck with me if you want, I’m gonna shoot these guns. I have no problem shooting these guns. You think I’m bullshitting? Tom, they think I’m bullshitting. Y’all want a test shot? You wanna see how fast these guns work? Here’s a little test shot. [audience cheers] A little test shot. Oh… Chelsea. Chelsea Handler’s here. Okay. Hey, Chelsea. [audience cheers] [mouths] No. [Hart] Chelsea. Hey, Chelsea. Oh, man. Nothing better than seeing my sister. Love her to death. You know, Chelsea, we had you sitting next to a Black guy, but we changed it only because we know how you feel, and ultimately, the Black dick matters. You’ll fuck a Black dick fast, Chelsea. Speaking of Black dick, Kim is here tonight. Hey, Kim. These are just two guns. These are two guns. Kim, I put it down. Bop, bop. No troubles. No fucking troubles. Leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone. Chelsea, Kim, you are innocent bystanders. You had nothing to do with nothing. You didn’t deserve that, and I apologize. With that being said, guys, to start a roast, you have to start it off with a bang. And to do that, you gotta do it with a roast master. A GOAT without a butcher is not a GOAT. Please welcome, straight from hell, the real killer, America’s roast master, Jeff Ross. [dramatic music playing] [audience cheers] [Ross] What’s up, roast fans? Make some noise! [audience cheers] The juice is loose tonight! If the gloves don’t fit, you must talk shit. What’s up, Patriots? I just came from hell. Aaron Hernandez says hello. [audience laughs and groans] Yeah, motherfuckers, it’s a roast. And I had to dress like O.J. ’cause I’m about to kill this white bitch right here. [audience laughs] [Hart] Let’s go, Jeff. Now, give it up for the Lord of the Super Bowl Rings, my friend Tom Brady. [audience cheers] Yeah! A man who has so many rings, he could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest to get Gisele back from that jiujitsu teacher. [Ross yelling] You’re a legend, Tom. You really are. You really put the “jizz” in “Gisele.” [audience laughs] Let’s fucking go! [audience cheers] Live on Netflix! Also live on Netflix this summer from Dallas, Mike Tyson is boxing Jake Paul, a kid more than half his age. My prediction, Iron Mike is gonna kill that baby. [audience cheers] It’ll be the only legal abortion in Texas. No fear. This is what we do. Look at you, Tom Brady. You’re so beautiful. I just wanna fuck that dimple in your chin. Oh! Beautiful. Look at you. You look like a vampire that only drinks almond blood. Tom looks like he bleaches his asshole just in case. [audience laughs] Laugh it up, people. The world needs this. There hasn’t been a roast in years because everyone’s chicken. But not you, Tom. You’re not chicken. [audience cheers] No way. I read your book. You’re mostly nuts, berries, and avocados. The TB12 Method, that’s your book. Very helpful. In fact, Kevin Hart’s been sitting on it all night. [audience laughs] What an opening. I love you, Kevin. What an opening. You’re amazing. [audience cheers] I really wanted Kevin to host ’cause he already looks like a deflated football. Kevin Hart is the biggest Eagles fan. In fact, one snatched him up in his backyard and dropped him off here this afternoon. [Ross laughs] When I first walked in, I thought, “Is that Kevin Hart, or did Randy Moss take a knee?” [audience laughs] Kevin Hart, I love you, man. I really do. You’re so goddamn funny. And congrats on being the latest recipient of the prestigious Kennedy Center’s Mark Twain Prize for Humor. Well deserved, my man. [audience cheers] And surely, if Mark Twain were around today, he would call you a n… A… [audience laughs] A… National treasure. Look at this arena! [audience cheers] All my friends are here. This is incredible. So many legends in the room. Dana White, I see you hiding over there. What’s up, Dana? [audience cheers] Look at this. Talk about a legend in the room. Pull back. I wanna show he brought the whole cast of Queer Eye. [audience laughs] Dana, who are these guys? Are these guys, uh…? [stammers] Are they neutered? What the fuck’s going on here? The sign said “no pets,” Dana. I love you, Dana. You’re like Michael Vick but with human beings. Tom… Tom, your teammates are all here at the beautiful, sold-out Los Angeles Forum. Incredible. [audience cheers] By the way, “forum” is also how Rob Gronkowski counts to five. Four, um… Five, um… [audience laughs] I love you, Gronk. I love you, Gronk. Poor Gronk. He thinks his last name is Owski. [audience laughs] You’re one of the greatest, Gronk. You’re one of the greatest. They love you. [audience cheers] Of course… growing up, it was never even Gronk’s dream to play football, but his parents figured, “Hey, he’s already wearing the helmet.” [audience laughs] Julian, can you explain that joke to Gronk? Oh, man. We’re doing it Boston-style tonight. I’m telling you. [audience cheers] Boston-style, you know. It’s gonna be a marathon, and somebody’s gonna bomb. [audience laughs and groans] [man] Yeah! [Ross] Hey, listen, man. No fear. This is what we do. That’s what Tom told me. Thanks for coming in, Tom, from your new home state of Florida. We wanted to roast you in Florida, but because of your governor, we wouldn’t be able to call you gay. [audience laughs] What an underdog story, man. Against all odds. It all started in San Mateo, California. [audience cheers] Tom’s mom, who’s here tonight somewhere. Where is she? Yeah. She was in labor with you for 43 hours. Talk about staying in the pocket. [audience laughs] Tom was eventually drafted 199th in the NFL draft. You sat there for days, waiting and waiting, and then you were finally picked in the sixth round when Bill Belichick’s dog stepped on the keyboard by accident. [audience laughs] So Tom… became a Patriot, moved up to New England, and on the first day of training camp, that scrawny rookie famously walked into the owner Robert Kraft’s office and said, “I’m the best decision your organization has ever made.” [audience cheers] “Would you like a massage?” [audience laughs] I love Robert Kraft. Don’t say that shit again. Okay, okay, okay. He’s having fun. Look at him. I love what you do for the Jews, Robert Kraft. You’re incredible. Shalom, my brother. From that point on, everything was a fairy tale. Unless you’re Drew Bledsoe, then it was a total fucking nightmare. [audience laughs] Drew. [audience cheers] Ah, of course, Super Bowl MVP Julian Edelman is here. Hi, Julian. [audience cheers] Of course, Julian’s considered the greatest Jewish football player of all time. Which is pretty impressive, until you realize the guy in second place was me. [audience laughs] [Ross sighs] Tom, I really wanted you to be our first GOAT to be roasted because you’re an example to future generations that if you work hard, eat right, film the other team’s practices… [audience laughs] …deflate the balls, and have the NFL make new rules just for you, then you, too, can be the third most famous guy in a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial. [Ross chanting] U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! Tommy, you once told me that it was your dream to be roasted, and here we are, proving that you’re not just a great athlete, you’re also a great sport. [audience cheers] And if I ever have a son, I want him to be smart, strong, and driven, just like you, Tom. Which is why tonight at the after-party, I’m gonna try to fuck your sister. Julie! You’re my number-one draft pick. Let’s fucking go! I love you guys! Thank you, everybody! [audience cheers] [speaking indistinctly] Wow. Wow. Stop being a bitch, Jeff. Just sit down. Stop kissing his ass. “You okay? You okay, right, Tom? It was just jokes.” Such a bitch. Uh, guys, make sure you guys check out Jeff’s one-man show. Uh, it’s playing at the Hollywood cemetery. Um, I’m not… [audience laughs] I’m not even joking. His career is literally dying. It’s dying. If we stop doing these roasts, you will not see Jeff Ross ever again. Do you hear me? Save Jeff Ross. Keep the roasts going. Jesus Christ. Jeff, you’re so fucking… Bitch. I heard you over there, you bitch. [gibbers] “Tom, you all right? Yeah. Your hair is so straight.” [audience laughs] You know the funny thing? You came out here trying to act like you were upset with O.J. and all that little attitude. It’s got nothing to do with O.J. Jeff Ross, you’re mad about the fact that it was a waiter that got killed who brings out food, you fat fuck. That is one less waiter on the streets. That’s what you’re upset about. Fucking Jeff Ross. Just keep the roasts coming, okay? What else do you have going on? There other shit happening in your life? One-man show. “Take a Banana for the Ride.”On tour now. “Take a Banana for the Ride?” On tour. Thank you. I wish I could give you a bunch of shit, but I actually love you, Jeff. I actually do, man. Good shit. Jeff is the only person that I see, and every time I see him, I just say he looks sicker. I don’t know what’s happening. [audience laughs] It’s just getting sicker and sicker, but we can’t nail it down. We don’t know what it is. All right, guys, coming to the stage right now is a man. Well, a man who was picked first in the NFL draft and last for this roast. Please welcome Drew Bledsoe. Come on, Drew. [rap music playing] [audience cheers] [rap music fades] It’s a pretty cool, uh… Pretty cool stage up here. Uh… This reminds me, um… [audience cheers and boos] Settle down. I got some jokes to tell. [audience laughs] Uh, the stage is really cool, man. This reminds me of the first round of the draft. [audience laughs] You remember, Randy. Willie, you remember. First round. Pretty cool, right? So, look, I’ve got to admit, I’m a little bit nervous tonight. I truly am. The last time I was up on-stage before Tom Brady, I ended up in the hospital for five days and I lost my damn job. [audience laughs] So, real talk, you know, a lot of people just assume that I have a lot of animosity towards Tom Brady. I’m here to tell you tonight, in front of millions of people… that you’re correct. I fucking hate him. [audience laughs] I mean… [audience cheers] Hey, but let’s just be honest, a lot of you guys kind of hate him too. I mean, who’s more hateable than the most successful quarterback of all time? I’m… I mean, except maybe Belichick. Um… [audience laughs] So there were rumors that Coach Belichick was gonna be here tonight. Um, turns out he had some time on his hands. [audience laughs] Hey, look. At least when I got fired, somebody else wanted me. [audience laughs] [Bledsoe] Ahem. I was worried he was behind me. [audience laughs] Oh, look, uh, you know what? Tom invited his one Black receiver here tonight. That’s… [audience cheers] That’s, um… That’s very woke of you, buddy. Very woke. Anyway, Randy Moss is here. [audience cheers] He’s a country-ass bass fisherman from West Virginia who used to own a NASCAR team. Dude, even your Black receivers are white dudes. I mean, dude, come on. His name’s Randy. It’s the fucking whitest name since Kevin. [audience laughs] Rob Gronkowski’s here. He’s Tom’s favorite tight end… [audience cheers] Rob’s here tonight. He’s Tom’s favorite tight end that wasn’t a murderer. [audience laughs] [inaudible dialogue] A lot of people, um… A lot of people don’t know that Gronk is originally from Buffalo. Uh, that’s right. Uh, he was actually born on a folding table at a Bills tailgate. [audience laughs] In a weird twist of fate, that’s also where he was conceived. The, um… Apologies to your folks, Rob. Um… You know, the second-best number 11 ever to play for the Patriots is here. Julian Edelman. [audience cheers] [inaudible dialogue] Jules is, um… Jules is a true unicorn. He’s a short Jewish receiver… but he also played defense. Belichick wanted him to play nickel, he held out for dime. [audience laughs] Most of his career highlights are just negotiations. So look, Tom, I’m really glad that you enjoyed all this amazing success with the team that I built. [audience laughs] Super fucking happy for you, bud. That’s a good one. You know, when, uh, most people lose their jobs, they start drinking. Ahem. Uh, I started a winery. [audience laughs] It’s called Doubleback. It’s named after what Tom does every time he walks past a mirror. [stammers] You know this move, right? You know you do that shit. You know, my favorite wine is our world-class cabernet. [audience cheers] Uh, Tom’s favorite whine is “Where’s the flag?” [audience laughs] You know, obviously, buddy, you got really used to not being touched, right? Just like the end of the marriage. [audience groans] [audience cheers] So, hey, look, buddy, you know, you have more rings than I do, but I’ve experienced a couple things that you will never experience. The feeling of being the number-oneoverall draft pick in the NFL. And a, um, 28th wedding anniversary. It was yesterday. [audience laughs] Ahem. Yeah, that was, um… That actually was yesterday. Love you, baby. Um… [audience cheers] So, look, when I first met Tom, he was not the greatest of all time. He was not what you see right now. He was just a sensitive pretty boy from San Francisco who wouldn’t shower with the team. [clears throat] And he drove a yellow Jeep. A yellow fucking Jeep, right? [Brady speaks indistinctly] So look… Oh, don’t make excuses, dude. It was a yellow fucking Jeep. [audience laughs] But look, I am not standing here right now saying that Tom Brady is gay. I’m not. I’m not saying that. But he sure did fuck me. [audience laughs] [audience cheers] [clears throat] [clears throat] All right. So now I have to be nice and sincere, and I will be. Um, look, man, uh, Tommy, I’ve told you before and I will tell you now in front of millions of people, incredibly proud of all that you’ve accomplished. [woman whoops] But I’m… No. But, um, I’m far more proud of how you’ve done it. You’ve always been a man of true character. I know you’re gonna continue to do great things. I love you, all right? [Brady] Love you. I love you. [audience cheers] Now… will you please stay fucking retired? We are sick of this shit. All right, got to go. [audience cheers] [speaking indistinctly] [sounds like “boo”] Drew! Boo! Ooh! Hey, Drew, I don’t wanna hit you with like a shot, uh, ’cause I feel like you’ve been through enough. Um, but I just wanna add… [audience laughs] Is it just me or do you guys feel like Drew has one of those faces that you see in the Walgreens picture frames? Like, you know when you go to Walgreens or Target or fucking…? You got an employee-of-the-month face, Drew. It just looks like you do great work wherever you fucking go. Like, “Man, that guy there worked hard. Look at him. Ever since the Brady shit, he’s been here night in, night out. He’s Sam’s Club’s best cus…” [laughing] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. The whole time he was talking, I was like: “That looks like somebody in the employee-of-the-month…” He was like: mmm, mmm, mmm. You guys are all idiots. Fucking idiots. This is my stage. I got the fucking gun. You hear me? Fuck you, Tom. Every once in a while, I’m just gonna tell you that just because. And I’m gonna hit you with a couple shots coming up. Stop drinking ’cause you’re nervous. Every once in a while… [audience laughs] Every once in a while, I want you all to do me a favor and just put a tight shot on Tom’s face when people are talking shit about him. His lip is shaking. If you can look at it, he just doesn’t know what they’re gonna say. With that being said, Tom, I’m gonna fuck you up after this one. You’re gonna get some more. But this next roaster… This next roaster is amazing. Guys, it’s Nikki Glaser. And her new comedy special is called Someday You’ll Die. You know why? Because it’s all about the guys she fucked without a condom. They’re dead. Come on, Nikki. [audience cheers] [rap music playing] Thank you, 15 Cent. [audience laughs] You really gotta hand it to Kevin Hart, ’cause he can’t reach. [audience laughs] [inaudible dialogue] No, Kevin, I love you. No one works harder than this man. Do you know that every morning Kevin wakes up at 4 a.m. to make a shitty movie? [audience laughs] No, I love your movies. Or as I call them “short films.” No, I’m kidding. I hate them. No. No, sorry, Kevin, I don’t mean to belittle you, but you “be little,” man. Like, you’re a tiny guy. Kevin is five-two, 150 pounds. Um, 155 after the Rock finishes, but… [audience laughs] What…? Thank you. You’re his favorite Fleshlight. Rob Gronkowski is not all here. Hey, Rob. No, Rob, you’re not really as dumb as you look and sound and act and are. [audience laughs] He might be dumber. Is it true, you were the first person born with CTE? Is that real? [audience laughs] No, Gronk, I love you. You put the “downs” in touchdowns, you really do. You put the “special” in special teams. You put the “tard” in “Rob Gronkowski is retarded.” [audience laughs] Sorry. Why? I’m so sorry, Rob. You haven’t caught this much heat since you were microwaved as a baby. I’m sorry. Jeff, killer set. Congrats on the weight loss too, man. It must be nice to know that being fat wasn’t what made you disgusting to look at. That’s… [audience laughs] Sorry, man. You really put the “ick” in Ozempic. It’s… Jeff, you look like your pronouns are “it, that.” [audience laughs] You’d look like something cancer catches. Are you pickled? I’m confused. The only time Jeff ever got a woman wet is when she helped roll him back into the ocean. [audience laughs] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you. Uh, Tom, Bert, I love you too. You’re presenting together later like two peas in each other’s mouths. [audience laughs] Bert. Bert, I love you. You know I’m such a fan of your joke. [audience laughs] It’s good. Shirts are supposed to stay on, but he takes it off. It’s so good. Andrew Schulz, you carny-faced bitch, I… I hate your comedy more than Kevin hates high fives. I really… [audience laughs] Now please give it up for zero-time Super Bowl champion Randy Moss. I’m sorry, Randy. Why don’t you have a ring? What the hell, man? You’re one of the best ever. Drew Bledsoe has a ring. Aaron Hernandez had a ring around his neck. Like, what’s going on? [audience laughs and groans] Julian, you have three rings around your cock right now, you squinty-eyed fuckboy. Julian, out of curiosity, how are you getting home? How did you get here today? Did you drive? Or did you, uh, ride Tom’s dick? Which was it? Because I… Tom’s dick. ‘Cause I wanna get a ride home on it, but… [audience laughs] But let’s get to the reason we’re all here tonight. Uh, Drew Bledsoe. “Drew bled so Tom could run.” [audience laughs] But I’m gonna move on from you just like your team did after you almost died. [audience laughs] Tom Brady. Hi, Tom. [Brady] Hi. Tom Brady. God, the only goat Jeff Ross hasn’t tried to fuck. [audience laughs] Tom Brady, five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns, you have seven rings… Well, eight now that Gisele gave hers back, but… [audience laughs] I just wanna… Sorry, Tom. It’s okay. Tom, the only thing dumber than you saying yes to this roast was when you said, “Hey, babe, you should try jujitsu.” I think that was… [audience laughs] That’s gotta suck. Dude. How much would it suck for Tom…? Oh, my God, just knowing your ex-wife’s new boyfriend can beat your ass while eating hers. That’s gotta be terrible. [audience cheers] Oh, no. You’ll be okay, Tom. Yeah, you’re great. First, you’re the hottest person I’ve ever seen in my life. I shouldn’t be able to talk to you. I can’t even handle it. [audience cheers] You should see this up close. It’s insane. I… Uh, listen, tonight there’s gonna be a lot of jokes about me, um, being like, uh, a depraved, cum-guzzling slut. And I just wanna say, for the record, I do have a boyfriend. We’ve been together for ten years. The love of my life. He’s here tonight. And I just… He’s sitting right over there. And I wanna say publicly, I would shoot you in the fucking face for a lottery ticket to suck this guy’s dick. [audience laughs] Just a chance! He’s perfect! He was on my fantasy team last night. My clit has CTE now. I would show you, but the NFL’s making me cover it up. But seriously, Tom… [audience laughs] You really are… I mean, you’re the best to ever play for too long. I mean… you retired, then you came back, and then you retired again. I get it. Hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend. It’s tough. [audience groans] Hey. To be fair, he didn’t know she was pregnant. He just thought she was getting fat. And Tom hates fat. Do you guys know about his diet program? It is so strict. But if you follow it exactly as he does, you too can lose your family. And, seriously, you can lose so much family. It’s… It works. Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? I mean, even Gronk was like, “Me know that not real money.” Like… [audience laughs] Right? You know. Gro… Gronk… Gronk actually does Bitcoin, which is where he just chews on a handful of nickels, but… [audience laughs] I got to go. But I just… I have one more thing to say and I promise to keep it Kevin Hart. I… [audience laughs] To be honest, Tom, I didn’t really know a ton about your career before this. And I only really started watching football when Taylor Swift said it was okay. But… [audience laughs] Uh, what I’ve learned, I’m in absolute awe of you. Uh, you were a sixth-round draft pick that really… Everyone kind of counted out. No one believed in. And then you became this. You became the greatest of all time. And if I’ve learned anything… [audience cheers] If I’ve learned anything about this man is that if you tell Tom Brady he can’t do something, not only will he do it, but he’ll do it the best it’s ever been done. So I’m here to say, tonight, Tom Brady cannot make me cum. [audience laughs] Let’s fucking go? [inaudible dialogue] [audience cheers] [Hart] Oh, my God, Nikki. Oh, my God. For those that are watching at home, this is live and that was a standing ovation. Well fucking deserved. Well deserved. [audience cheers] Goddamn, Nikki. “Me… Me know that’s not real money.” [audience laughs] Oh… Oh… I was sitting next to Rob. And he was saying… After you said it, he said, “I did.” He said, “I did.” Oh… [audience laughs] Oh, Rob. You can’t help the joke, Rob. She’s making fun of you. “I did know.” Oh… Oh, I love Nikki, man. Nikki… Here’s a little information about Nikki that you didn’t know. Nikki is the only woman who had a meniscus tear in her pussy. This is a true story. But she’s only out for six weeks, Tom. She’ll be back, if you do. Yeah. Nikki’s pussy is shaped like Gronk’s Fleshlight. I know you said that 50 Cent has one. But Gronk actually came using you, which is good. “And he knew that was not real pussy.” Right, Gronk? Yeah. It’s a good callback. Callbacks is what they’re called, Gronk. Oh, my God. Only Nikki could host a show called Fuckboy Island and still not get laid. You know, listen, do you know that we lost three fuckboys? Three fuckboys drowned trying to get off that island. We lost three good fuckboys because of you, Nikki, and that baggy clit. I’m sick of it. [audience laughs] Yeah, fuck you, Tom. All right. Nikki, in all seriousness, that was insane. Brilliant writing, brilliant timing. Uh, great set. [audience applauds] Great fucking set. That’s the beauty of roasting. That’s what it is. There’s a art to it. And when you get it right, goddamn, it’s amazing. We’re gonna keep the energy going. Our next roast is a Black man from West Virginia. Wait, I’m sorry. No, I’m sorry. He’s “the Black man” from West Virginia. Uh, please welcome to the stage, Randy Moss. Come on, Randy. [rap music playing] [audience cheers] [rap music fades] Now, they got me up after these first two acts, and, uh, I can honestly tell you guys I’m nervous. Nikki, that was fabulous. I loved that. But thank you, Kevin. I played three seasons with the New England Patriots, okay? [audience cheers] Before I got to the New England Patriots, I heard… Or we heard about Spygate. Then after I left, I hear about Deflategate. So I only got one question for you, Tom. Why the fuck didn’t we cheat when I was there?! [audience laughs] I wanted to cheat too. [audience laughs] My kids always ask me: “Daddy, why does everyone have a ring but you?” You know how hard it is to look your kids in the eyes and say: “They just don’t trust me enough to cheat”? [audience laughs] So come on, man, how did I miss out on the fucking dynasty, Tom? The dynasty. I missed out on it. Well, I’ll tell you what you really deflated, Tom. My fucking legacy, dude. Where would I be if I had a ring, okay? Where would I be? Everyone was cheating back then. David Tyree caught a ball on the side of his helmet with a magnet tied to his hand. The New York Giants were cheating back then. [audience laughs] But everybody out there was cheating, everybody but me. So, Tom, you remember our first season together? [Brady] I remember. 16-0? Yep. [audience cheers] [speaks indistinctly] How about those 23 touchdowns? [Brady] Oh, man. [Moss] That’s something I’ll never forget. So since you… You feeling this way? You feeling grateful? Oh, yeah. Nikki said you have eight. Why don’t you give me one of those eight? [audience laughs] The first one against the Rams, that’s the one I want. Willie McGinest, he played like shit in the Super Bowl against the St. Louis Rams, am I right? Where you at? Hey, Lonie Paxton. You were the long snapper that snapped the ball for the game-winning field goal, am I right? Matt Light, didn’t you block for his sorry ass in Super Bowl…? His first Super Bowl? So, Tom, that’s the ring that I want. How about that? All right. But let me say this. Drew Bledsoe was in the freaking hospital and he got a Super Bowl ring. [audience laughs] Tom, Nate Ebner? Nate Ebner. Who the fuck is Nate Ebner, dude? He has three Super Bowl rings. Mr. Kraft. Vladimir Putin has a ring? [audience laughs] So the two guys that deflated the football had… No, you know, I’m sorry. That’s a bad example, they deserved them. They deserved them, they deserved them. They deserved them. Look, before I became a Patriot, you were America’s quarterback. Everyone thought you were soft… but I got to see your tenacity and how you prepared for the game, and you approached the game like a hard-hitting linebacker. [audience cheers] Even though we didn’t win it all, I still got everything that I wanted because I got to play with the greatest quarterback that’s ever lived. [audience cheers] And for three years, it was a short time, we scared the entire National Football League. [audience cheers] Tom, you’re still my quarterback. Even though you did not want me to be your accomplice. [audience laughs] Ladies and gentlemen, I love this man. He gave me an opportunity. Y’all know the story about me sneaking in the hotel to see him. They told me to come up here for a roast, man. And I told them, for Tom Brady, man, I’ll come and do anything for Tom. Thanks for having me, man. Appreciate you guys. [audience cheers] [inaudible dialogue] [Hart] Wow. Wow. Randy Moss, huh? Did you hear that, Tom? That man’s fucking hurt. [audience laughs] He’s hurt. I can goddamn see it. I can see it in his eyes. I see it the way he looks at you. You guys fucked him over, man. [audience laughs] It’s fucking ridiculous, man. You goddamn put him in this situation to come up here and expose himself like that. As a Black man… By the way, Randy, tonight shouldn’t be the night. It’s only three Black men up here. Well, four. You got you, me, Willie, Sam. Who else? What? Five. Six. [audience laughs] Sorry. No, Sam, I was going down the line, and I swear to God, that’s the only reason why I said that. Hey, bro, does anybody know why Randy Moss came up here dressed like a public-school substitute teacher? Jesus Christ. [audience laughs] Where did they tell him he was going? Goddamn it. Ran… Randy is proof that Black people can be white trash. Right there, that’s it. [speaks indistinctly] [Hart laughs] Y’all let me start drinking. It’s going to be long. It’s gonna be a long night. Uh, guys, next, for a very special toast, right? This toast has to come from somebody worthy of a moment and such. A special friend and a special lady, Kim Kardashian. Come on. [audience cheers] [sultry music plays] [sultry music fades] Thank you so much, Kevin. I know a lot of people make fun of your height, but what people don’t know is you’re also pretty mean. Which makes you the smallest Black dick I’ve ever seen. [audience laughs] [inaudible dialogue] Sorry, guys. I would have written jokes for you, but I literally don’t know who you are, so… [audience laughs] Um, okay, but I’m really here tonight for Tom. I wasn’t gonna come tonight, but since I’m not here as Tom’s date, there’s still a good chance I might. [audience laughs and groans] Speaking of Tom and I dating, I know there were some rumors that we were. And I’d never say if we did or not, I’d just release the tape. [audience laughs] Um, but I do know it would never work out. An ex-athlete, high cheekbones, silky hair. You remind me too much of my stepdad now. [audience laughs] Um… [audience cheers] [Kardashian speaks indistinctly] Part of me thinks you would want to undress me just to try on my clothes. I know the transition from the NFL must have been really hard, but I think my stepdad is a great example for you. She’s one of the best athletes in the world who proved you can do anything in this next chapter of your life. You can become a commentator, a far-right Republican, or even a strong, confident woman. [audience laughs] No, seriously, I think it’s so great the way that you’re showing everyone that even after winning seven Super Bowls, you can still have a midlife crisis. [audience laughs] Honestly, it’s hard for me to watch people roast you, but I think enough of my family members have helped defend former football players. [audience laughs] Um… So I’m just here tonight to support you and celebrate you. Retirement isn’t easy. It can be a lot like a bad breakup. So I’ll give you the same advice that I give all my exes. “Good luck knowing the best is behind you.” Congratulations, Tom. Cheers, everyone, to Tom Brady. [audience cheers and applauds] [indistinct chatter] [Hart] It’s good shit, Kim. [Ross] Give it up for Kim Kardashian, everybody. [audience cheers] Beautiful. Thank you, Kim. Have a seat. We’re gonna auction off your seat cushion later for, uh… To raise money for erectile dysfunction. [audience laughs] We’re live on Netflix. If you’re just tuning in, uh, this is not Love on the Spectrum. This is Hate in the Forum. Everybody’s here. I got so many friends here. Look, Marco Andretti, great racecar driver, is here. Hi, Marco. Take a bow with your beautiful girlfriend, Billie. I bet you two lay down a lot of rubber. [audience laughs] Does he ever finish first? [audience laughs] Great job, Kim. Caitlyn Jenner wanted to be here, but she was confused by the tuck rule. It’s my honor to bring up our next act. Are you ready, motherfuckers? [audience cheers] Please welcome Bert Kreischer, Tom Segura. The 2 Bears! [rap music plays] [audience cheers] [rap music fades] Thank you. Thank you, Jeff, for turning this special night into one more opportunity you couldn’t turn down. [audience laughs] God, you are such a fucking whore. And that’s coming from me, Jeff. Thank you for inviting us to celebrate the GOAT, W.G. Wait, what’s that? Wait, GOAT, W.G.? Greatest Of All Time, White Guy. [Kreischer] Aw, fuck, yeah! You know, our people don’t get many days like these anymore. [audience laughs] No, we really don’t. Netflix was hoping some trans, amputee skier was popular enough to do this, but… [audience laughs] …instead, they settled for the greatest white guy alive. It’s rare that they let us have a night. They have taken everything from us. Golf. Tennis. Hockey. And even baseball, once America’s pastime, isn’t even played by Americans now. [speaking in Spanish] You fucking traitor. But tonight isn’t about them. It’s about this incredible, white American man. Uh, two solid whites. Yeah. [audience groans] And, ladies and gentlemen, tonight isn’t just about Tom Brady’s dream of securing a future for white children in this country. [audience laughs] No, it isn’t. Tonight is about celebrating everything Tom Brady stands for. He is so good-looking. Oh… He’s fucking gorgeous. [snorts] Look at this fucking picture. [audience laughs] Fucking… Who takes this picture? Was he pregnant? This fucking… Fuck! This is the fucking gayest shit I’ve ever seen. [audience laughs] He… [Kreischer snorting] [Kreischer] That’s you. That’s you. That’s fucking you. He’s also… He is also relentless. Oh, you can’t tell that guy no. And he has that one thing that only special men have. He’s HIV positive. [audience laughs] No, that was Magic, and it happened right here in this building. [audience laughs and groans] [Kreischer snorting] So much fucking, but… What Tom Brady has is that killer instinct. Which makes Netflix the perfect place for Tom Brady. Yes, because if there’s one thing that Netflix loves, it’s serial killers. [audience laughs] Don’t believe us? Let us compare him with another famous TB. Ted Bundy. Fuck, he’s gorgeous too. I think I might need a new hall pass. Bundy has so many emotional traits that Tom has. Let’s take a look. Wait, what’s this? This is the psychopathy checklist developed by Robert Hare. It has helped me understand my wife better, and… [audience laughs] …as you can see, Tom Brady checks all the boxes. Maybe they should call it “The Brady List.” Oh, believe you me, Bert. One day they will. Glibness, superficial charm. Brady’s got it. How does a smile just disappear like that? It doesn’t end there, Bert. Grandiose sense of self-worth, this motherfucker’s got it. All right. Well, to be fair, Gisele got half that check. Yeah, that’s a good point. [audience groans] Oh, fuck you, is she here? Then shut the fuck up. [audience laughs] Brady even has the need for stimulation, prone to boredom that all the psychos have. “I’m retired. You know what? I’m not retired.” Tom Brady is 100% a psychopath. He’s from… [audience laughs] …Northern California, like the Zodiac Killer. Uh, he choked a couple times in New England like the Boston Strangler. Yeah. And he chewed up and spat out the competition just like Dahmer. What about another Netflix documentary darling, Jeffrey Epstein? Well, he wasn’t a serial killer. He just had a sex-trafficking ring, and unlike Tom, it was a ring he earned legitimately without cheating. [audience laughs] He is an ice-cold killer. No, that was Aaron Hernandez, Tom’s bestie and favorite target. Look at this, just a couple of goofballs having a laugh. Oh, my God! What? I just realized, it hit me. Tom Brady is just like another famous “not-so-nice guy.” Wait, you mean that notorious team leader who was told he wasn’t any good, but he still pushed through and made sure everyone knew his name? You got it. Hitler! Yeah! [audience laughs] They’re so alike! The only difference is… [audience laughs] They look so cute together. They do. The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stuck with his wife until the end. [audience groans] At least Hitler had the balls to do what we wish Brady would, put a bullet in his head. [audience groans] Stay retired. Tom Brady, you are a terrifying man, and we are so glad you found football before hookers and genocide. Please know, these are all just jokes and we do not wanna die. Yeah. Seriously, dude, you are the best. Thank you for having us. Please don’t kill us. We really wanna live. We have families. Don’t kill us, Tom. Thank you. We love you. [audience cheers] [Hart] Wow. [Kreischer] Thank you. [Hart] Wow. [indistinct chatter] Wow, wow, wow. Guys, we are having an amazing night. On a night like this, you got to go out and check on people, right? How you guys doing, man? It’s the goddamn table full of fighters. Hey. Not you. You’re different. Hey, Dana, you having a good time? I’m not gonna fuck you, Dana. Don’t square up on me. Did you just fucking square up like you about to hit me? Jesus Christ, racism in real time. How you doing, big guy? All right. Just come… Sit down, boss. This is my trainer. This is your moment right here. I’m giving you TV time. Say hello. I’m killing time right now. Do your cool face right now. Nah, that looks stupid. Move. Watch out. You blew it. You fucking blew it. Look at these beautiful women over here. Here’s my wife and her two brothers. That’s Dom and that’s Kyle, her two brother friends. And this is my wife. All right, guys, we’re set. We’re going to keep it going. Oh, my God, what an amazing time that we are about to have. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, with that being said, make some noise for a friend. A funny favorite of mine, Sam Jay. [audience cheers] [hip-hop music plays] [hip-hop music fades] Wow, it is truly amazing to be here, seriously. I’m from Boston. [audience cheers] So I’m absolutely honored. I have to thank Netflix, and also I wanna say congratulations to you, Netflix. You’ve done it again. You’ve made another white man a mediocre star. Bert, you are truly talentless. [audience laughs] You are a disgrace to the legacy of fat, funny superstars. If you were actually talented, you would have overdosed in a hotel room a long time ago. Farley, Belushi, these were great men. They knew how to live. They ate heart-clogging steaks, they fucked prostitutes, they did mountains of cocaine. They went out like fucking rock stars. Bert, you don’t do drugs and you only fuck your wife. You don’t even know how to be… [audience laughs] [Jay laughs] You don’t even know how to be fat and famous right. You’re gonna die from too much Kool-Aid, endless shrimp, and choking on Joe Rogan’s dick. I was worried about AI, but, Bert, you’re proof that a machine can’t write a good script. You’re an example of racism being alive and well, because for a shirtless, fat Black man to make your kind of money, he had to get hit by a Walmart truck. [audience laughs] Drew, it’s so nice to see you here, bro. Honestly, I’m from Boston, so this feels really good, ’cause I grew up hearing your name around my house, you know? They’d be like, “Yeah, Drew Bledsoe sucks. That big-ass white boy can’t run for shit. That nigga got a potato face.” Shit like that. I just want you to know I’m not like that. I’m evolved, you know what I mean? I have empathy. I know it must be hard to be a fucking loser. Seriously, dude, what the fuck are you doing here? This dude has bested you in every way, so we know you hate him. You went first, he went sixth, and he still took your spot and sent you off to Buffalo. He’s been cucking you for years, and yet here you sit. You like that shit, don’t you? You sick fuck. [audience laughs] Tom, do us a favor and fuck this dude’s wife already and get it over with. [audience laughs] The only ring you have is the one Tom won for you. So your Super Bowl ring is just like my strap-on. Just because you wear it, doesn’t make it real. [audience laughs] Drew… honestly, if you put yourself out of your misery tonight, we’d all understand. But I just want you to know, you’d still be the second-best Patriot to do that. [audience laughs] Tom, I’m so honored, dude. But I have to say, for a guy who doesn’t like Black people, you sure do a lot of nigga shit. [audience laughs] You wear all your rings, you love the Migos, you took out an illegal PPP loan… [audience laughs] …and you refuse to raise your kids. I actually think that’s why you left the Patriots. You were too Black for Boston. [audience laughs] I know retirement is hard. I too have retired something. I put down dick years ago. And GOAT to GOAT, I have to say, I’m ready for one last game, and I know you wanna know what it’s like to score one more time. And I just wanna know if my pussy’s still good. And who would be a better judge? But this isn’t sexual. I’m not hard up like Nikki. [audience laughs] This is completely a fact-finding mission. So no Luther Vandross, no candles, just me, cocked open on the table, OB-GYN style, hospital gown, you come in with your UGGs, dick already hard… [audience laughs] Dick already hard ’cause I’m not doing all that. You have on a hospital gown too, but it’s backwards so the dick can stick out. You hut twice, and then you stick it in, bam. One strong stroke, then you pull out slow, we towel down, high five. You could be my final completion, and I can be the first time you look a Black woman in the eyes. [audience laughs] But seriously, Tom, I’m a Patriot fan, I’m a Bostonian… [audience cheers] …and loving you is a scarlet letter that I wear proudly. I appreciate what you did for the city. You truly are the GOAT. And will you please, please, please sign my jersey? [audience cheers] Sam Jay, y’all. Goddamn. [Ferrell] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage a living legend, a world-class lover, and the number-one news anchor in all of San Diego… [audience cheers] …Mr. Ron Burgundy! [dramatic music plays] [dramatic music fades] Hello, everyone. New York City in the house! [audience cheers] Madison Square Garden, oh, MSG! Billy Joel! Residency! Yes! How about those Knickerbockers, huh? Yeah. Probably gonna lose in the second round, but we’re looking good right now. Kevin Hart… my second-favorite comedian next to Earthquake. [audience laughs] God, I love Earthquake. Hello. My name is Ron Burgundy, and, uh… [audience cheers] I am a very big deal, but, uh… tonight is not about me. [woman] Love you, Ron! I love you too. Not about me. We are here to honor a champion of the gridiron, a great American, a father, and a sexy man. A true Patriot until he was not, of course. Uh… [audience laughs] Mr. Tom Brady. [audience cheers] Holy shit, this man is gorgeous. I’ve seen him on TV before, but in person, itchy wah-wah. [audience laughs] Whoa! Look at those cheekbones. That’s a million-watt smile right there, and those eyes. A person could get lost in those eyes. And right now, I am that person. [audience laughs] Ron, pull it together! You’re a straight man. He’s making you question your sexuality. Stop looking at him. You’re here to make fun of him, not fall in love. Concentrate. Here we go. All right. Back to the roast, everyone. I never liked you, Tom. [audience laughs] In all my years of watching professional football, I never saw a more boring quarterback. The master of the six-yard slant. [audience laughs] The screen, the checkdown. Randy Moss, where are you? There’s Randy. I see you over there. All that speed running down the field. Hm? Randy, he was never gonna get you the ring. The checkdown pass was the only option. Sorry. You were just a sexy decoy… to make Tom look good. You were the on-the-field version of Gisele Bündchen. [audience laughs] Is it Gisele or Gisiele? Gisiele, I believe, right? Gisiele. Gisiele Bündchen. From Spain. She’s Spanish, right? Tom, look at me. She’s Spanish, right? Oh, you don’t even know? Okay. [audience laughs] Poor Gisiele. It took her 13 years to learn what we all know. Tom is boring. [audience laughs] Dink, donk, dink, donk. Dink, donk, dink, donk, touchdown. Who cares? [audience laughs] Who cares? The guys on, uh, SportsCenter, some personal friends of mine, used to praise Tom for his quick release. Not women, by the way. Women were not impressed by his quick release. [audience laughs] I’m putting Earthquake to shame, right, Kevin? Yeah. [clears throat] I mean, the last time this guy went truly deep, he ended up paying child support to Bridget Moynahan. [audience laughs] [man whoops] I wrote that myself this morning. [audience laughs] In the airport bathroom, at LaGuardia. [clears throat] It should be obvious now, Tom ruined football for all of us. Uh, watching the Patriots play actually made me look forward to all the fun and laughter of a Bill Belichick post-game interview. [audience laughs] By the way, Bill, wherever you are, I… I hope you know… Hope you know it now. It was Tom. It was never you. [audience cheers] Remember? No, no. Remember that period when people thought it was you? Well, it wasn’t. It was Tom. [audience laughs] I understand, Bill, you’re currently unemployed. Good luck on ZipRecruiter. [audience laughs] A lot of jobs in the health-care field. I hear male nurses are in great demand, and with your bedside manner… no one would rather wake up after gallbladder surgery and look into the loving, kind face of Bill Belichick as he gives you a sponge bath. [audience laughs] No, there’s no reason why we all had to endure 20 seasons of six-yard passes to Gronkowski. Tom was too afraid to hold on to the football because under all that lifeless lumber, handsome as he is… And he is very handsome, my God. [audience cheers] If you were this close to him like I am, you’d know what I’m talking about. I haven’t even mentioned his golden skin. Don’t you shake your head at me and say, “Crazy.” I’ll make life crazy for you, Kemosabe. How it must feel to touch that golden skin… [audience laughs] These are strange feelings, Ron. Focus, focus! You hate the man, remember. Remember, you hate him. Where was I? Oh, yes. Underneath that dead robot of a quarterback… there’s a scared little boy. How do I know this? You don’t see Eli Manning here tonight, do you? No. [audience groans] That’s because he’s afraid of Eli Manning. Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch. He made him his bitch. [audience laughs] Okay, I’d like to hear everyone in the audience say that with me. On the count of three, we’re all gonna say: “Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch.” One, two, three. [all] Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch. That was terrible! Let’s do it again. [audience laughs] Actually, as disjointed as that was, that felt good. Don’t worry, Tom, the nightmare is over. You can just sit back, relax, and talk about football, invest in cryptocurrency scams… and drink your protein shakes. I don’t know if you know this. Tom has a whole line of plant-based nutrition called TB12. Look it up. Yeah. It’s good… I lost 15 pounds from this stuff. Uh, those shakes work. I only had to drink one glass, and for the next two weeks, I was on the can with the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever had. [audience laughs] I recommend the cookies-and-cream shake. There’s nothing like shooting out cookies and cream as you race to the toilet. [audience laughs] Cookies and cream… all over the floor of the LaGuardia Airport bathroom, Stall Number 3. That’s the one I always go to. On that classy note, I’d like to wrap it up. Tom, it’s clear, everybody up here loves you. I… [audience cheers] I love you, although it… It might just be lust. It could be love. We’ll never know. I can’t wait for you to be up there on Fox Sports commentating on the game you loved, or… Or playing for the Raiders in the playoffs. [audience laughs] Or, uh… coaching the Patriots, or whatever the fuck you’re gonna do. I mean, let’s be honest. Your best years are behind you, Tom, the Super Bowls, Gisiele, uh… [audience laughs] …your movie career. It’s all done. It’s all gone. But you won’t be forgotten. You’ll always be remembered as Eli Manning’s bitch. [audience laughs] Don’t let that get you down, Tom. Like I said before, we all love you. In fact, only one man truly hates you, and it is my pleasure to bring him out here, Mr. Bill Belichick. [ominous music plays] [audience cheers] [ominous music fades] [speaking indistinctly] Thank you. Oh… What’s up? Thank you. [audience cheers] What’s up? Uh, Kevin, you think you can get me a cheer like that in Philly? Yeah. I don’t think so. [chuckles] Um, Ron Burgundy. Where’s Ron? [audience cheers] Ron Burgundy, the only member of the media I respect. [audience laughs] Yeah. The fellas invited me up here to lighten up the mood a little bit tonight. [audience laughs] Um, but, seriously, I’m so honored to be here, uh, for the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. Uh, it’s not to be confused… No. It’s not to be confused with the roast of Bill Belichick on the 10-part, uh, Apple TV series. [audience laughs] So… Um, there’s a lot of mean things being said about Tom tonight. I wonder why they invited me. [audience laughs] Really, Tom, why are all these people so hard on you? Do you miss me? [audience laughs] And, uh, you know, Kevin, whenever Kevin talks, I go into a cover 2 defense, cover both ears. [audience laughs] Uh… Some… First time, you know, some of these comedians tonight, uh, Andrew Schulz, Nikki Glaser, Tom Segura… This is the comedy version of the No-Name Defense. [audience laughs] Who are these people? You know, for 49 years I’ve been a football coach, but tonight I’m gonna be a life coach. And, Jeff? Punt. [audience laughs] When I get rid of my two sleeves, it’s from my sweatshirts. When Jeff Ross gets rid of his two sleeves, it’s from a box of cookies. [McGinest] Go ahead, Bill. I got it rolling? All right. [McGinest] Do it, coach. You know, uh, a lot of people, you know, kind of connected me with a saying called, you know: “Do your job,” and telling people to do their job, and Gronk… [audience cheers and applauds] Gronk, I’ve been watching you on Fox NFL Sunday, and I’m begging you, please, stop doing your job. [audience laughs] Do another job. Do somebody else’s job. I love coaching Gronk. He was the best. He was a great teammate, great, great player, Hall of Fame player. Give it up for Gronk, man. [audience cheers and applauds] Gronk’s taking a lot of heat. He’s been roasted the third most between Brady, then me, and Gronk tonight, but, uh… But, sorry, Rob, I gotta keep going. You know, Rob last landed some endorsement deals for some of his favorite foods. You know, Campbell’s Soup, Dunkin’ Donuts, and don’t forget Tide Pods. [audience laughs] [man] Whoo! [inaudible dialogue] Just a true story, 100% true story. I used Rob’s Tide Pod commercial to teach our team that this is when you say no. [audience laughs] Just because somebody asks you to do something stupid, you don’t have to do it. Say no. Uh… That advice was never given by Kevin’s manager. [audience laughs] Uh… A lot of you don’t know, but I really have a big heart. I really do. I rescued… [audience laughs] Seriously. [chuckles] Come on, man. I mean… [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] I rescued a dog from the shelter, and I rescued… And I rescued Randy from the Raiders. [audience laughs] Listen, Randy, I’m really sorry you didn’t get a ring. Not sorry enough to give you one of mine, but I’m still really sorry. You know, it’s great to have all the Patriots here. You know, you guys are all awesome, really. You’ve meant so much, uh… [audience cheers] And Tom’s the greatest of all time. There’s no question about that. That’s why we’re all here. Tom’s fantastic. [audience cheers and applauds] But he played on some great teams, and these great players that played with him, uh, they were great teams. We accomplished a lot, and, uh, yeah, I’m so proud to be here. But you know, Danny Amendola, up here on the stage, came with us, and, uh… [audience cheers] Danny joined us in 2014, got us 200 yards that year. [audience laughs] And then in, uh, 2016, uh, he picked up another 250. [audience cheers and applauds] Or… Or to put it another way, uh, what Randy would call a decent first half. [audience laughs] Matt, I love where you are. Matt Light. Matt Light protected Tom’s blind side, along with Nate Solder. [audience applauding] Two great left tackles. Blocking Dwight Freeney and all those other guys that are in the Hall of Fame. Maybe they’ll get there someday too. But, Matt, I love where you are, far away from the microphone. [audience laughs] In all my years with the Patriots, there’s no player I had to say more often to shut the fuck up than Matt Light. [audience cheers and applauds] You know, Matt came into the league and you know about his struggle with Crohn’s disease, and that certainly explains all the years why he gave me so much shit. [audience laughs] One man that it’s always great to see, Rodney Harrison. Rodney Harrison here. [audience cheers and applauds] One of the greatest players I’ve ever coached. I mean, he’s a great, great football player, great person, great competitor. [audience cheers and applauds] He’s not in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. To me, that might be the biggest joke of the night. Give it up for Rodney. [audience cheers and applauds] Just invite me to your induction. [audience laughs] Uh, believe it or not, I’ve got a lot of nice things to say about Tom, but I’m running out of time here, uh… [audience laughs] Do I have a couple extra minutes? Okay. [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. Uh, we already talked about the cryptocurrency. I’ll stay away from that one. But I see your soccer team, Birmingham City, uh, got knocked down to another tier in the English Football League. So, you know, for those not familiar with English football and the intricacies to their obscure regulation system, just let me say, I’ll put it in English for you, they suck. [audience laughs] Not so easy running a team, is it, Tom? [chuckles] [audience cheers and applauds] All right. All right. So a little coaching advice. Stick to American football. You’re really good at that. [audience laughs] You know, people have said that Tom and I have butted heads a lot, and in a way, that was true, but not really. It was hard to butt heads with Tom because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass. [audience laughs] His ass. You know, Tom, you had so many clutch moments, so many big plays, uh, so many just unbelievable, you know, plays that will live on forever. Uh, I remember the pass that you threw to Amendola uh, when we beat Baltimore in the playoffs in ’14. [audience cheers] No. No, that was Julian that threw that pass to Amendola. [audience laughs] [Julian] Thanks, coach! Uh… There was the pass you threw to Dorsett when we beat the Eagles. Kevin, you remember that one, in 2019. No. No, Julian, you threw that one too. Oh. [audience laughs and applauds] That’s my coach! I’m happy for him. Tom threw a lot of touchdown passes, I can’t remember them, but he threw a bunch of them. [audience laughs] You know, seriously, Tom and I had our differences, but, you know, it only comes to love and respect about our relationship, and we did some special things together. Uh… [audience cheers and applauds] You know, for all of you out there that think about who’s responsible for the Patriots’ success during the time when Tom and I were there… Was it Brady? Was it me? Was it Brady? Was it me? In reality, the truth of the matter is, it was both of us because of me. [audience laughs] Uh… Great event, Netflix. Great night to be here. Thank you very much. Love you. Tom, Patriots, love you guys. Thank you. [inaudible dialogue] Wow. Who would have fucking thought? Who would have thought? Goddamn, coach came up here and set the road straight. I can’t even trash him. I had stuff ready to trash him, but after that, I can’t. I don’t feel comfortable trashing the coach after that. I’m actually gonna say something a little heartfelt. Coach, you should hear this. Uh, I like the fact that you actually had the balls to come out here, and do the fucking roast, and talk shit with Tom, coach. [audience cheers] All right. Just for a quick second before we go and continue the show, to tell you guys why I think it’s so dope. ‘Cause you cut the middle man out. And the middle man is the hypothetical. The middle man is the assumption. Everybody has an assumption about the relationship of. And the dope thing is, ultimately, when you see the relationship support one another and have fun with one another, that’s what the relationship is. What I’m saying is… [audience cheers] What I’m saying to the world is, mind your fucking business. All right? Mind your fucking business. Coach, good shit. Way to come out and be supportive tonight, and back goddamn Tom Brady. Holy shit. [audience cheers] I love it. Goddamn, coach. I had some good ones for you, too. I had… Can I just tell you one of them? I was like… Okay, can I just tell you one? I’m not gonna do them, but I feel like if I’m saying, like, let me tell you one, that’s different. I was going to call you Captain Smiles ’cause I never see you smile. I was like, “Oh, he’s just always angry.” People call him a piece of shit, but I feel like saying “a piece” isn’t fair. ‘Cause he’s a lot of shit, like a bunch of pieces. Like, that was one of them, like just a pile of shit. All right, forget it, coach. I think I’m blowing it. Fuck it. No, coach, don’t do that! Don’t throw a fucking flag on me! Don’t do that. Okay, all right. I’m still on your side. I’m on your side. I’m on your side. Uh, Bill, I gotta be honest. I really was a little touched just at the fact that you came out. I am dead serious right now. That was a very gentleman-like move on your behalf. Tom, you better fucking appreciate that and tell him about it later, all right? Absolutely. God, what a night. What a night! Are you guys having a good time? I am. Are we having a good time? [audience cheers] Yes? At home, I hope you are too, man. The fact that this is a live event on Netflix is insane. The first of its kind. There will not be the last. I think we’re gonna do more because it’s just going so well. Let’s keep the goddamn train rolling. Guys, your next roaster is in love with Tom Brady, and I do mean that. Those aren’t my words. Uh, that’s what he wrote on a mirror in his dressing room. Uh, he might actually pop the question tonight, or he might pop his man-pussy. Please make some noise for Julian Edelman. Come on, Julian. [audience cheers] [hype music plays] [inaudible dialogue] [hype music fades] What a night. What a night. [audience cheers and applauds] There are so many legendary Patriots here tonight. [audience cheers] I figured the next time I’d see you all would be at Kraft’s funeral. Sorry, Mr. Kraft. [audience groans and laughs] Now let’s give it up for our host, Kevin Hart. [audience cheers and applauds] Thank you, Jules. I know everyone’s gonna make short jokes about you tonight, but not me. I’m gonna make Black jokes. [audience laughs] Wha… What? Kevin, you are so Black… that when I saw you, I thought you were Bert Kreischer’s liver. [audience laughs] And Bert Kreischer’s liver is so black, it just did four hours on the Shannon Sharpe podcast. [Julian chuckles] Jeff Ross is here. [audience cheers and applauds] What’s up, Jeff? Fun fact, Jeff and I are both Jewish. [audience cheers] The difference is, I’m the kind of Jew that people look at and go: “Oh, he’s Jewish?” [audience laughs] And Jeff’s the kind of Jew that makes you wanna join Hamas. [audience laughs and groans] [Julian laughs] [White] Let’s go, Julian! Yeah! Gronk’s here. [audience cheers] I don’t really have a joke. I just wanna make sure that he knows. Gronk, you’re gonna kill it, bubs. You’re gonna kill it. I’m so proud of you, bubs. So proud of you. Now, everyone always asks me how big Gronk’s dick is. [audience laughs and applauds] Now, don’t get me wrong, it gets the job done. [audience laughs] But there was this other Patriot’s tight end. Now, he was hung. [audience groans and applauds] Think about it, think about it. [Julian laughs] Coach Belichick’s here. Oh, coach. You barrel-chested son of a bitch. [audience laughs] You remember when you used to yell at us, “Look, assholes. The fucking kids down at Foxborough High can make that fucking play”? [audience laughs] I’ve been waiting for this for so long. [audience laughs] Look, asshole, Foxborough High is the only job offer you fucking had! [audience laughs and applauds] “Do your job”? More like “need a job”, coach. [audience laughs] Now we get to Tom. Look at you, you handsome devil. TB12, Tampa Bay Brady, the GOAT. Or as I like to call him, Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband. [audience laughs] When we played together, Tom, you used to scream: [high-pitched voice] “Laser focus! Laser focus!” [audience laughs] [normal voice] Now that’s what he screams at his plastic surgeon. [audience laughs] Who’s laughing now, Tom? Not you, because your face can’t move and you don’t have a sense of humor. [audience laughs and applauds] Now, when I got to New England, you were already Tom motherfucking Brady. [audience cheers] Three Super Bowls, married to a supermodel. I wanted to be like you so bad, bro, that when your wife left, I thought about getting rid of my beard too. [audience laughs] You’re gay. You’re gay. [stutters] But, hey. But I don’t wanna talk about your wife. He’s actually here. Alex Guerrero, everyone! [audience laughs and applauds] For those of you who don’t know, Alex is the snake oil salesman who transformed Tom into a total fucking weirdo. [audience laughs] Now… He’s weird. He’s fucking weird. I know there’s gonna be a lot of jokes about me being gay for Tom. Well, let me set the record straight. Those balls weren’t gonna deflate themselves. [audience laughs] That TB12 method works. Lots of pineapples in those smoothies. [audience laughs] Sweet cum, sweet cum, if you didn’t know that. [audience laughs] Honestly, the only reason I came here tonight was, will you come on my fucking podcast already, bro? I have Peyton Manning. I’ve had everyone else. I had Eli Manning. No, but Tom, you’re my brother. I owe you everything. You let me into your inner circle, bro, and you showed me what it meant to be a professional. And I’d do anything for you, bubs. I love you. You’re a great sport for doing this. And who are we kidding? This is Tom motherfucking Brady. [audience cheers and applauds] That’s what I’m talking about, Julian! That’s what I’m talking about! Just remember, these are jokes, Tom. These are all jokes. Because you’re my gravy train. I love you, bubs. Let’s go! [audience cheers and applauds] White boy-ing at its finest. [audience laughs] Boy, them white boys love to play with the dick jokes. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what the fuck it is about the cultural separation. Willie, you was in that locker room. How many dick jokes flew your way? [McGinest] I’m in trouble. How many dick jokes flew your way, Willie? I bet not one. I bet you said: “Motherfucker, nigga, I’ll kill you if you say shit like that.” [audience laughs] Julian just made a joke about draining Tom’s balls. [audience laughs] Tom was like, “Yeah!” No! It’s fucking… This is live on Netflix. It’s like, millions of people watching. Two white boys. “Your dick, my dick.” “My balls, your balls.” What the fuck is happening? It’s live television. No, Julian! No! Tom, you’re supposed to tackle that motherfucker right here. The only person to celebrate was Jeff. “I’ll… I’ll… I’ll do it too, if you want me to.” Jeff, Sam Jay said something earlier, and I’ve been thinking about it since. She started talking about her dildo. She was like, “Oh, my God.” Like, “Yeah, what my dildo would look like.” I was like, “I bet her dildo looks like Jeff Ross.” I bet. A little fucking white dick. Sam, if you got a white dick, I’ll never talk to you again, I swear to God. All right, guys, uh… This roast honestly is going so well. It’s going so good, so good… [audience cheers] …not just because of the performances, which have been amazing, but because of our live audience. You guys have been amazing, man. Make some noise for yourselves right now. [audience cheers and applauds] I need to know my live audience is still with me. We can do better than that. Make some goddamn noise! [audience cheers] Yes. All right, next up is the host of the number one live podcast in the world. He’s sitting in the audience because he’s so hated that we made him buy a ticket. Give it up for the host of Kill Tony, Tony Hinchcliffe. Let’s go, Tony. [audience cheers] [hip-hop music plays] [Hinchcliffe] Fuck yeah. [hip-hop music fades] Howdy, y’all. We are here with a special episode of Kill Tony: Kill Tommy. You guys know how it works. I got a bucket here. If I pull someone’s name out, they get 60 seconds, uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. [cat meows] That means they have to wrap it up then. So here we go. And I’ve pulled out… Oh, wow, look. It’s Dana White, everybody. Make some noise for the great Dana White. Sixty seconds, interrupted, for Dana White. The President of the UFC. [audience cheers] Thank you. This is not my thing, so I’m gonna keep this short, like Gronk’s bus. [audience laughs] Actually… Let me get into this real quick. It pisses me off. I flew all the way out here, and you guys give me 60 seconds? My name is Dana. Is that not trans enough for you liberal fucks? [audience laughs] No? All right. Tom, you played for the Patriots for so long, that I was actually starting to feel like you were from Boston. Then I saw you running, I was like, “No, he’s definitely from San Francisco.” [audience laughs] [Dana chuckles] You led the league for 20 years in passing. As a straight guy. [audience laughs] Come on. That was a good one. Hey, I got two of the baddest dudes in the world here right now. Sugar Sean O’Malley, and Max Holloway. [audience cheers and applauds] Tom, you would have been a great fighter. You’re already the master of the ground and pound. That’s what you call “coffee dates” with your boyfriend, Alex Guerrero. [audience laughs] [cat meows] One more thing. You people probably don’t know this, but Jeff Ross was very interested in the UFC. He thought it meant “Unlimited Fried Chicken.” [audience laughs] I love you, Tom. Dana White, ladies and gentlemen. Great job, Dana. A lot of you might not know this, but Dana is the millionaire founder of the UFC, and he’s also a degenerate gambler, so… That’s fucking awesome, Dana. Hey, Tom. This is great. Nice shoes, bitch. Did you win those in the divorce? [audience laughs] [Hinchcliffe laughs] I love it. This is a fucking stellar dais we have up here. Randy Moss, I was upset that Bill Belichick said he wouldn’t give you a ring. You know what else doesn’t have a ring? Bill Belichick’s phone. [audience laughs] Everyone’s up here talking about what a big winner Tom is. But let me tell you, Tom is afraid of the Giants, which is why Kevin Hart is hosting tonight. [audience laughs] It’s true. All night, he’s been using the stool that Aaron Hernandez kicked out from under himself. [audience groans] Yeah. It’s true. Kevin is so small that when his ancestors picked cotton, they called it deadlifting. [audience laughs] So many great quarterbacks up here. You know who doesn’t pass? Kevin Hart on any movie he’s offered. [audience laughs] But we are here for Tom. Tom Brady is a Patriot, which is surprising, considering he looks like a Confederate fag. [audience laughs] Tom Brady, why do you look like a gay Tom Brady? [audience laughs] Clearly, your ex-wife takes after you. I hear she’s out there draining balls right now. People love you, Tom. You have the same fan base as Kyle Rittenhouse. [audience laughs] Gronk, I’m happy you could take a break from writing Santa letters to be here today. [audience laughs] I knew you were here when we were all out of chocolate milk backstage. [audience laughs] By the way, that’s Kevin Hart sitting next to you. That’s not your shadow. [audience laughs] Gronk, you look like the Nazi that kept burning himself on the ovens. You look like the final boss in George Floyd the Video Game. [audience groans and laughs] Ah, the great Jeff Ross, ladies and gentlemen. Jeff is so Jewish, he only watches football for the coin toss. [audience laughs] And of course, throwing long bombs at brown people. [chuckles] Nikki Glaser. What a performance tonight, am I right? [audience cheers] Absolutely killer set. Nikki, who wrote that? Where was that your entire career? [audience laughs] Nikki has such a bad eating disorder, the industry keeps shoving her down our throat. [audience laughs] You might recognize her from her podcast appearances, specials, and winning the Triple Crown at Churchill Downs. You might recognize Kevin as the jockey that rode her. And that’s Churchill Downs the racetrack, not to be confused with what Jeff Ross looks like when he smokes a cigar. [audience laughs] Sam Jay, everybody. Killed. An obese African American lesbian. So by having her, Netflix checked off a lot of boxes. [audience laughs] Yeah. She is a Black lesbo, which means she doesn’t eat pussy, she “aw, hell, gnaws” on it. [audience laughs] Earthquake’s on his feet, I’m killing. You might recognize Sam from this. Her entire Wikipedia could fit into a fortune cookie. [audience laughs] Andrew Schultz, I’m glad you took a break from watching YouTube videos on how to dap-up Black dudes correctly. Schultz’s mom is a professional ballroom dancer, which means she’s a stripper that talks too much. [audience laughs] Bert Kreischer is a king. He looks like if the Tiger King and the Liver King only ate Burger King and had a liver that looked like Martin Luther King got beat up by Rodney King. [audience laughs] [inaudible dialogue] And how about the appearance from the great Ron Burgundy, huh? [audience cheers] A whale’s vagina, which reminds me, Kim Kardashian’s here. [audience groans] She’s had a lot of Black men celebrate in her end zone. [audience laughs] Kim, word of advice: Close your legs. You have more public beef than Kendrick and Drake. [audience laughs] Thank you, guys. Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Netflix. [audience cheers and applauds] [man] Whoo! You… [chuckles] You fucking give it up for To… For Tony. Give it up for Tony. [audience cheers and applauds] [Hart] Oh, God. Oh, my God. Tony, that was good. I felt like we should clap or else you’ll go shoot up a school. He looks like he’s gonna do something crazy. Those fucking pants and that belt, you fucking podcasters. I said don’t let him in here. Tony, I can’t deny great comedy. Goddamn it, that was great fucking comedy. Bit for bit. [audience cheers and applauds] Bit for bit, Tony. I believe in giving flowers. I have nothing bad to say, man. Performance, goddamn. Every box. Whatever you want to say, you check. The… I just have to say this. Sam, fuck him. All right? [audience laughs] The… “Aw, hell, gnaw.” That right there. That right there, like… Sam, I want to come back and, like, get him for us both. But that was really good. [audience laughs] He got us good, Sam. He got the Black culture good with that one. “Aw, hell, gnaw,” that’s… He turned into Tyler Perry in the middle of the show. [audience laughs] Fuck you, Tony. I’ll come back in a couple days, Sam. We’ll get him. Just not now. Let him have this moment. Son of a bitch. That was so good. All right. Fuck that. And fuck you, Tom. All right? All right. Guys, our next NFL roaster holds the NFL record for the most receiving touchdowns by a tight end. Oh, my God. Yes. [audience cheers] Yes, it’s true. And soon, soon he will hold the record for most concussions received from reading a teleprompter. Please welcome Rob Gronkowski. Come on, Rob. [audience cheers and applauds] [hip-hop music plays] [inaudible dialogue] Wow. [hip-hop music fades] Wow, this has been a fucking night. Kevin Hart, first off, I’ve taken shit bigger and blacker than you. [audience laughs] And unlike you, my shits don’t sink when they’re in the water. [audience laughs] Yes, Kevin looks like one of my shits. And Jeff Ross looks like one of my livers in 20 years. Yeah, sit down, bitch. [audience laughs] Jeff is so Jewish, that backstage, when I put my hand up for a high five, he took ten. [audience laughs] Bert Kreischer, Krusher… I don’t know, I can’t fucking read, we all know that. …is here. Bert went to FSU. Fat Shit University. [audience laughs] I love you, Bert, even though you stole my whole drunken gimmick, shirtless fucking thing I used to do back in the day. You’re more like Slob Gronkowski, you fat fucking lard. [audience laughs] Look at all my guys. Rodney Harrison. What’s up, dawg? We got Matt Light. We’re gonna get Matt lit tonight. What’s up, brother? How you doing? And fucking Amendola. What’s up, buddy? [audience cheers] You went into coaching last year, so you’re now known as Amen-Dumbass. [audience laughs] Coach Belichick, nice to see you, sir. [audience laughs] I’m your last Pro Bowl pick on the offensive side of the football, and that was like 2000-fucking-9. [audience laughs] But man, this is like a family reunion. Tom and Julian are like brothers to me, and Drew Bledsoe is the grandfather I assumed would be dead by now. [audience laughs] [mouths] You’re right. Drew got traded to the Buffalo Bills, so he’s played for two of the worst fucking Bills in football. [audience laughs] Oh, fuck, coach, I just noticed that joke is about you. Should I run the hill? [audience laughs] Coach makes us run that hill whenever we fuck up, and I didn’t fuck up there. Randy Moss, so… Randy Moss. Randy Moss. So good to see you, Randy. Randy hails from the great state of West Virginia. Country roads take me home to the place where dating your sister is as common as dating your other sister. [audience laughs] By the way, we’re talking about sisters. What’s up, Tom’s sisters? Yo. [audience laughs] Oh… I just made that up on the spot, too. [audience laughs] [Ross] Get it, Gronk! Go, Gronk! Randy’s nickname was “The Freak.” Edelman’s nickname was “The Squirrel,” because he loved having Tom Brady’s nuts in his mouth. [audience laughs] [mouthing] I suppose. And when Tom left for Tampa, he gave him the whole shaft. [audience laughs] And Julian is gonna change his name to Jillian and move in with Tom. Just two little gay boys prancing around. [audience laughs] Everyone kissed Tom’s ass. Even I did. That’s fine to admit, but Julian, you’re the only one who used tongue. [audience laughs] I saw it in the shower. [audience laughs] Oh, wait a second. Tom, you don’t shower. You must’ve been extra stinky. All right. Tom. All right, yeah. Julian. Tom left you on the Patriots so you couldn’t blow him anymore. We all know that. And Bill, you never gave Tom any action. No hand job, nothing. Fucking… [Belichick blows whistle] [inaudible dialogue] He gave him a hand job! Yeah. All right. Did you give him a hand job, coach? Why’d you blow the whistle? I said you didn’t give him… Take this joke out. All right. Take this joke out. [audience laughs] Scroll back up. I’m saying this joke. [audience laughs] Bill, you never gave Tom action. Well, let me tell you, did he fuck you in the end as hard as he could. Rear-ended you from Tampa Bay. That’s a 1300-mile-long cock Tom has. And let me tell you, Julian sucked that cock all the way from Florida through the Carolinas, all the way up to Massachusetts, spitting on it, lubing it up to even get further penetration up your ass, coach. [audience laughs] Holy fuck. I wrote that joke, by the way. [audience laughs and applauds] Wow. Wow. No wonder why you didn’t want me to say that. You can read like me, coach. Congratulations. But, coach, you used to talk about Foxborough High School when we sucked. But now I know why you were so obsessed with Foxborough High School. You were scouting your new girlfriend. [audience laughs and groans] I mean, coach, my joke wasn’t fucked up, but that’s fucked up. You’re 73 years old. You should be trying to bang someone your own age, like Nikki. [audience laughs] All right, I’ll run that fucking hill again. This time, I’ll just keep running. Oh… And now let’s talk about my designated driver, Tom Brady. [audience cheers and applauds] Even though we played together for 11 years, I feel like I barely know this guy. Tom’s just like the avocados he eats. I think he’s a fruit, but I’m just totally not sure. [audience laughs] Yeah. I didn’t even know you were in Ted 2. I was watching that scene when a tiny, furry bear started jerking you off. At least I think it was Ted 2. It might have just been security cam footage of Julian at your house. [audience laughs] Oh, I like that one. I’m creative. You guys all think I’m a dumb piece of fucking shit, but… [audience laughs] [audience cheers] Well, I really am. I really am. Fucking… I run into people for a living. Obviously I’m fucking dumb. [audience laughs] All right, Tom. You should find some new hobbies, man. Like I did. I had a racehorse called Gronkowski. I didn’t name it Tom Brady because, unlike you, it’s good at running. Oh, and it also knows when it should be taken behind the barn and shot. [audience laughs] Shootout. [imitates gunshots] I’m one of five brothers. Tom doesn’t even know five brothers. [audience laughs] I mean, there are only two-and-a-half of them on this roast. [audience laughs] They don’t count behind us, Kevin, all right? Oh, you’re standing up. You can still suck my dick. [audience laughs] Wow. That would feel good. I never tried it before, but I’ll do it with you. [audience laughs] Just ’cause you’re standing, like, imagine that grip you can give me. Wow. Oh… Oh, man, I’m making shit up as we go. Just like my routes. But we had a connection. He would still find me. “Gronk, why the fuck did you run that way?” Touchdown, motherfuckers. [audience cheers] Good. That’s good. Yeah? Wait… Gronk, you’re supposed to run in. Oh, he’s going deep. Oh, shit, touchdown. [audience laughs] Bill would be like: “Oh, Gronk, he doesn’t know the playbook, but he scored. It’s fine.” [Rob] Oh… But, Tom, I really am psyched tonight that we got you and Bill here tonight. Everyone thinks you guys hate each other. But I saw firsthand, you two are exactly alike. You’re both hardasses that hate fun. [audience laughs] You both live and breathe football. Neither of you are married anymore. You’re both even divorced from football, and both of you take full credit for the dynasty. And worst of all, I’ve never had a fucking drink with either of you. Yeah. Now, hold it, hold it, hold it. No, don’t drink. [Hart] He said don’t drink! I got something for you later. [Hart] Listen, Tom! Man. You don’t fucking listen, Tom. He said don’t drink. Yeah. [Hart] Go ahead, Rob. I got you. Well, tonight, we’re doing a fucking shot, baby. And… Yes. [audience cheers] And that’s why you gotta listen. Okay. That’s why Coach Belichick got rid of your ass. [Hart] Holy shit. [audience laughs] Holy shit. Oh, man. Oh… Oh, shit. [Hart] Sound it out, Rob. Sound it out. All right. [audience laughs] Where am I? Where am I? [Ross] Shot! Shot! Shot! [Hart] You got it. Oh, yeah. We’re doing a shot. And don’t worry, it doesn’t have any strawberries in it, Tom. Nightshades, inflammation, whatever the fuck you’re talking about. And it was approved by your mom and Bill’s boss, Alex Guerrero. [audience laughs] [Hart] Shots! Come on, Rob. No, Rob, not that. The shot, not that. Put that back. There you go. Rob, get the fuck… Help him, Jeff. Goddamn it. I said don’t leave him up here by himself. Get the glasses. There you go. Good job, Rob. Good job. I love you, Bill. I love you, Tom. Hold on. Give him a shot. Coach, take the shot. There you go. Come on. Hey. Building bridges! [audience cheers] [Edelman] Touchdown! [Gronk] Love you, guys. [audience cheer and applauds] [Belichick] That was tremendous. Thank you, coach. Um… We’re live, so there’s no way to hide the fact that Gronk might be on a little more than alcohol. [audience laughs] Uh… Yeah, no, it’s okay. Yeah, yeah, no, Gronk, we’ll get it. Yeah, no, we’ll clean it up, Gronk. Yeah, just sit down when you get a chance, Gronk. Jesus Christ. Just lay down. Just lay down. I’m gonna say what everybody else is saying. And I don’t know if I can get canceled for saying what I wanna say. No, go back. Go back to the top. I’m gonna get to that. This is just my truth. Um… Gronk scares me. He scares me. [audience laughs] Gronk is the… He’s the unsafe drunk white guy. I want… This is a moment for white guys to understand how Black guys feel. I looked at Randy when Gronk was saying a lot of shit, and Randy had a look that said, “I’m going home.” Like… Gronk is the guy that does shit that we all know ends up in a fucking bad situation. Goddamn it, Tom. You need to get him on a fucking leash. I wish y’all could’ve seen the words that we had to sound out and elongate on the fucking prompter. There was so many Es. We had a lot of Es on one word. Gronk got stuck. He was like… [audience laughs] I had to help him. Sound it out, Gronk. Fuck. Keep it going. Jesus Christ. You know, Gronk… They had this concussion protocol, right? Here’s the protocol for Gronk. If you hit him in the head, the only way to get him out of it, you got to hit him again. Gronk is the only player that can take two hits. Fucking Gronk. Jesus Christ. This whole live almost went to shit. Here’s a good thing. Uh, Gronk says that he’s returning, right? He’s not returning to NFL football ’cause he’s lost, like… He doesn’t have the itch for the game, and that’s understandable. Uh, but the women you slept with do. They’ve all claimed it, Gronk. They’re itching. You fucked them good. A lot of fucking going on in the Patriots organization, by the way. Jesus Christ. By the way, Bill loved that. Look at Bill. He… [audience laughs] Jesus, Captain Smiles is laughing hard at the fact that you’re giving out herpes. Jesus Christ, Bill. What type of dark humor have you been blessed with? [audience laughs] “Yeah, fuck all of them, Kevin. I don’t have a job.” All right. I get it, Bill. Fuck you, Tom. All right, guys, listen. Your next roaster just sold out Madison Square Garden. I want to fucking exclamate that. My guy sold out Madison Square Garden. And it was a dream of his, and he fucking made it happen. And that’s pretty good for a guy who looks like he works at Olive Garden. Please show some love to Andrew fucking Schulz. Let’s go. [audience cheers] [hip-hop music plays] [hip-hop music fades] Hello, Forum. Make some noise! [audience cheers] All right. Give it up for Kevin Hart. First of all, hosting this thing. Absolutely amazing. Hardest working man in Hollywood. Give it up for Kev. [audience applauds] Kev is the hardest-working man in Hollywood outside of the PR guy from Nickelodeon. Uh… [audience laughs] Kevin Hart, or as he’s known in the industry, the Rock’s bottom. [audience laughs] Kevin is best friends with the Rock. Uh, his dad was also best friends with the Rock. Crack. Uh… [audience laughs] We could smell what he was cooking. Crack. [audience laughs] Kevin’s a superstar. Only thing you can make fun of him is for being short, but there’s advantages to being short. Kevin is the only Black guy you can still call three-fifths a person, which is awesome… [audience laughs] …’cause that’s what his wife took in the divorce. Guys. [audience laughs] What a dais we have here, ladies and gentlemen. Look at this. This stage has seen more head trauma than a Kennedy on the campaign trail. [audience laughs] Speaking of brainless Patriots, Tom, all your boys showed up for you. [Tom] They did. Gronk, you hunky retard. Look at you. [audience laughs] Gronk, you look like your mom fucked a monster. Energy drink. [audience laughs] I’m surprised you didn’t start your set with, “Hey, you guys.” [audience laughs] Despite coming across as a mush-brained mongoloid, Gronk actually has a New York Times bestselling book. He is the first author in history to have a ghost writer and ghost reader. It is… No, it’s amazing. He can’t read. He’s still trying to figure out what three-fifths is. [audience laughs] Three-fifths is how much of Nikki’s hand goes down her throat after a meal. [audience laughs] Whatever you’re doing, Nikki, it’s working. Keep it up. Julian Edelman is here! [audience cheers] I didn’t even know that Julian was Jewish until I saw him return a kickoff for a refund. That… [audience laughs] [inaudible dialogue] Julian is notorious for having sex with, like, every Jewish model on the planet. Both of them. Uh… [audience laughs] I’m joking. There’s plenty of Jewish models out there, or as they call them in L.A., Leo’s Bagel Holes. [audience laughs] Dana’s here! Dana White, the greatest promoter in history! Make some noise for Dana. [audience cheers] Dana has put more immigrants in cages than U.S. border policies. [audience laughs] Dana is a skinhead genius. He found a way for minorities to beat each other up. [audience laughs] Respect to Dana, though. He’s a self-made man. Before the UFC, he left Boston with absolutely nothing. And that’s something, Randy, you can completely relate to. Shout out to Randy, coming out dressed like Bagger Vance. [audience laughs] Someone get him out of the sand trap. I mean, Nikki’s pussy. Sorry. [audience laughs] Randy is the greatest wide receiver of all time. He’s also a civil rights hero. A lot of people don’t know this. Randy got expelled from his high school for fighting with racists, but that did not stop him. He fought racists his entire career, and that’s why he refused to win a championship for Boston. So give it up for him. You won in the long run. You beat them, okay? [audience applauds] Randy made sure, on Super Bowl Sunday in Boston, the only people celebrating a happy ending were the priests. [audience groans] Jeff Ross is here. Roast royalty. Jeff, you remind me of the patient from the game Operation. [audience laughs] ‘Cause every time kids touch you, you light up. [audience laughs] There’s none back there, Jeff. Just sit down. [audience laughs] It’s amazing Jeff Ross is even here, actually. He’s recovering from a horrible ACL injury. ACL is the only injury Gronk can spell. Uh… And speaking of things that make men limp, Nikki Glaser is here. Give it up for Nikki! [audience cheers and applauds] A lot of people were wondering why Nikki was even on this dais, which is sexist fucking bullshit. She’s absolutely hilarious. Give it up for her. She’s absolutely hilarious. [audience cheers and applauds]] Killed it. Killed it. A lot of you don’t know. Nikki has deep ties to football. Not only is her face made out of pig skin, but every guy she dates bends her over and takes a hike. So she deserves to be here. [audience laughs] Okay? People talk about Nikki’s appearance, but I think we all know what matters is what’s on the inside. What’s on the inside is what counts. Sure, on the outside, she looks like Tiffany Trump, but on the inside, she’s Barron. [audience laughs] Speaking of people that can no longer deliver, let’s talk about Tom motherfucking Brady. [audience cheers and applauds] The man in the arena, the GOAT. Uh, Tom, I know Bill Belichick showed up late, but don’t worry, he has someone secretly recording this so he can watch the whole thing later, okay? [audience laughs] Bill has secretly filmed more guys playing for the other team than Diddy. Uh… [audience laughs] That’s your boy, Kev. A lot of tight ends turned wide receivers, if you know what I mean. [audience laughs] Tom said that the reason he loves football is ’cause it allows him to be his most true, authentic version of himself. Hiding behind a mask, throwing things at Black people. Uh… [audience laughs] I’m kidding. He never threw to the Black guys. Uh… [audience laughs] Gronkowski, Edelman, Welker. That’s not a receiving corps, that’s a law firm. [audience laughs] And with that divorce coming up, you’re gonna fucking need them. [audience laughs] Oh, that’s why Dana’s here, so you can learn how to fuck a Brazilian out of half their purse. [audience laughs and applauds] Tom, you became the GOAT by being the fiercest competitor on the planet. Tom was once asked which one of his rings was his favorite, and he said: “The next one.” Sorry, that’s a Gisele quote. Uh, my bad. Uh, guys… [audience laughs] Yeah, that was Gisele. That was Gisele, for sure. Tom, you all remind us… Or, sorry, you remind us that no matter how big you get, how successful you are, how much you accomplish in your life, you can always end up a twice-divorced supplement salesman in Tampa, Florida. [audience laughs] And for that, we all thank you. You are the GOAT. Thank you so much for even doing this. [audience cheers and applauds] [inaudible dialogue] [Hart] Goddamn it. Andrew Schulz. Worth the goddamn hype, man. You’re hearing his name a lot more and more, and it’s deserved. It was great. I gotta be honest, it was great. Guys, don’t go down. Fucking show him the love. It was great. [audience cheers and applauds] [Ross] Hey, hey, how about a hand for this fucking guy? Kevin Hart. [Hart] Oh, shit. Thank you, Jeff. [Ross] Amazing show tonight. Amazing host tonight. Amazing host, Kevin Hart. Amazing. I appreciate you. [audience applauds] Amazing. Oh, thank you, guys. I appreciate you. We are having a good time. Hey, my question is, if Andrew is here, then who’s fixing the dog race? Because they look like Andrew. Just wait a second. Andrew Schulz is looking so peculiar. It’s like, you just can’t put your fucking eyes on it. What is it? I cracked the code. Andrew looks like a pedophile from the ’30s. Like the 1930s, the guys with the weird… [audience laughs] Or, Andrew Schulz looks like a silent film porn star. No noises, all faces and mustaches. That’s it. [audience laughs] Andrew Schulz is… Andrew Schulz, here’s what it is. Andrew Schulz’s dad, I’m willing to bet, has a pizzeria, but one of those pizzerias with no pictures of Black celebrities. It’s just weird, and you can’t ask questions. Andrew looks like… You know what it is? Okay. Andrew, you look like you were in Guys and Dolls, but you also look like you fucked them. I got to be honest with you, Andrew. Looks like you do weird shit. [audience laughs] Not just because of the mustache, just because of your face. Uh, Andrew is proof that once you start pretending to be Black, you will never go back. He has been here for the entirety. Andrew, they didn’t like that. I thought that was good. They don’t know the fucking, like, 50 Cent history. Yeah. No, they don’t get it, Andrew. I thought that one was gonna hit. Like the Black shit you just did, the concert, 50 came out. All right, I’ll explain it to you later, I guess. You understand what Andrew Schulz is. He’s a great guy, the culture loves him. All right, I’m done explaining it. Fuck you, Tom Brady. All right. Uh… Guys, listen, we are honored. We are honored to have a living legend in the building tonight, and I do mean honored. Listen, I want you to make some Patriot noise, some good noise, good noise, for our Patriot owner, Robert Kraft. Please. [audience cheers and applauds] [energetic music plays] [energetic music fades] Tommy, thanks for having me here at this unique experience. I thought I’d seen it all, but this is special. And you know the Patriots are more than a football team for me. They are family. And guys, it’s good… So good to see all of you here again. Thank you so much for everything you did for us. [audience cheers and applauds] And you know, like many family reunions, there’s some people I’m desperately trying to avoid. [audience laughs] Coach Belichick, good to see you. You really look debonair in sleeves. [audience laughs] Tonight has really been funny, but Julian, let’s be honest and realistic. I’m not inviting you to my funeral. [audience laughs] Tom, good luck buying the Raiders. They did your favorite thing for you already. They got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo. [audience laughs and applauds] But in all seriousness… Tommy and I… This is very meaningful to me because I remember him coming down the stairs at the old Foxboro Stadium 24 years ago. [audience cheers] It was built for $6 million. It was not fancy like this place here. But the first thing, he came down with a pizza box under his arm and said, “You know, I’m Tom Brady.” I said, “I know who you are. You’re our sixth-round draft choice. Number 199.” He looked me straight in the eye and he said: “Yes, and I’m the best decision this organization has ever made.” [audience cheers and applauds] So nothing could be truer. I want to raise this drink to you and say you will always be special to my family. And I love you, Tommy. [audience cheers and applauds] And one more thing. In case, Vladimir Putin, you’re watching, give me my fucking ring back, will you? [audience cheers and applauds] Wow. Robert Kraft bringing the heat. [audience cheers] He wrote that, all of that himself. He wouldn’t let us give him anything. That’s all him. That’s right, Vladimir. Give him the fucking ring. [audience laughs] I got you. Yeah, no, Robert, I got you. You already know. I fucking got you. No trashing Robert Kraft tonight. Not on my watch. Not on my watch. Not on my watch. [audience applauds] But Robert, I do have some questions. [audience laughs] I just… It’s nothing. It’s just a question. You and Bill… [chuckles] You and Bill are so far apart from each other. I just feel like… Why don’t you take a shot together, man? Yeah. [audience cheers] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Robert wants to do it. Bill? Let’s make the uncomfortable uncomfortable, right? Pour Bill a shot. No, no. No. Gronk, Gronk, that little black cup right there. The Gran Coramino cup. Pour some of that in his cup. Pour it in Bill’s cup. In Bill’s… Goddamnit, Gronk. Fuck! Gronk! [as Gronk] Pour the Gran Coramino in his cup and have him take a shot. [Kraft] I love it. [Hart] Okay. [in normal voice] Robert’s here. Wait, Bill… Don’t move. Bill. Bill. This is a big moment, Bill. [audience cheers and applauds] I want to say, this is the greatest coach in the history of the game that did what no one else has done. And having Tom Brady and him was the greatest honor the good Lord gave me. So, cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Let’s go. Drink it. A Black man made that happen. [audience cheers] That’s right. That’s right. A Black man from North Philadelphia took the racism out of Boston. Ended a beef. This was a beef. By the way this beef is bigger than Drake and Kendrick. It’s that big. Holy shit. I can’t believe they actually did it. Good shit, Bill. Robert, good shit. By the way, remind Robert where he is. He may not remember in a second. So when he gets to that seat, tell him what he did. ‘Cause that’s my friend. He needs to know. I love you. [laughs] I love you, Rob. All right, guys, listen, we have a very special guest here tonight, right? This guest is a great friend of mine. Uh, one of the most famous guys from Boston. Seriously. One of the most. I would say there is only about two or three, but this guy here in my opinion is the one. Please show some love to Ben Affleck. [audience cheers] [rock music plays] Thank you. [rock music fades] Wow. Got here just in time, I see. [clears throat] I, uh… Tom, I gotta say… [audience cheers] How are you doing? How are you? [audience cheers] This is pretty fucking ballsy of you. Is life too fucking good? You’re like, “You know what, I’d like someone to kick my ass for three hours.” Uh, is this…? I gotta tell you, this settles it. You won’t find me volunteering for the Ben Affleck Roast. [audience laughs] Or as I like to call it, Thursday. Anyway… Hi. You may know me as an extra from Tom’s Dunkin’ boy band Super Bowl commercial. [audience cheers] In fact, it was during that shoot that Tom asked me to look at his social media accounts for him. I guess for some reason he thinks I get a lot of online criticism. I do. But I took a look at it. And I gotta tell you, I didn’t even last two fucking hours. It was the most toxic thing I have ever experienced. And that’s saying something. [clears throat] For instance, here is one line, uh, that I remember from Tall Boy Henry Bill… There’s a lot of L’s in it, okay? “Brady was just assistant quarterback with no arm strength. He’s a whiny pussy with a lot of protection from the refs. He sucks. Fuck you. Fuck you, Tom Brady.” [audience laughs] Thanks, Tall Boy Henry. Uh… You guys out there, talking shit, all right, behind your fucking keyboard. That doesn’t make you a fan. That makes you a bitch. [audience cheers and applauds] Look, Tom started his career as arguably the slowest, least physically impressive non-kicker ever to put on an NFL uniform, including massage therapists. I mean… Look at the fucking guy. You know what I mean? He went to the Pro Bowl. He started his career with the physique of a professional bowler with a smaller right arm. [audience laughs] Overcame all that to become the GOAT. Tall Boy Henry, you didn’t overcome… You can’t overcome a modest fucking flight of stairs without your rescue inhaler. Fuck you, Tall Boy Henry. You suck. A bunch of football experts… [Hart] Get them. Thank you, Kevin. I appreciate it. A bunch of football experts living on their aunt’s couch, saying like, “Oh, Tom, you should have thrown to the slant receiver against the Dolphins.” Or “Tom, you should have seen the fucking quarterback when you threw that pick six in the Super Bowl against Atlanta.” Actually, you should have. That was terrible. You should have… There was no excuse for that. [clears throat] Maybe, yeah, just, you know… No, I don’t even know what to say. But look, essentially, fans… I get it, right? They pay the salaries. But could you imagine, just try to think of a less rewarding, more agonizing professional experience than effectively working for somebody, you go out and fucking kill it, succeed every day to the degree, that fucking level, and you gotta go online and read that shit. I can’t think of a more fucked up, dysfunctional, horrible working system designed to perpetually make people feel awful. You know what I mean? You… What… Even the boss is always that fucking much of a miserable prick, and you can’t do anything right… [audience cheers] I didn’t know… I didn’t know you were gonna be here, Bill. I actually… I actually can think of one. [clears throat] [audience laughs] I want to ask you a question, okay? Don’t… It’s not about Malcolm Butler. There’s no answer to that question. It’s just… [clears throat] I get it. I know, I watched the press conferences, you know. You’re not a talker, no chitchat. [as Belichick] No comment, moving on to Cincinnati. [audience laughs] I don’t know how you get away with that, honestly. Like, in my business, even if you make Justice League, you don’t think I want to fucking move on to Cincinnati? [audience laughs] Anyway, I just, uh… I just have this question, and I guess, you know, I think I’d like to get an answer. It’s pretty simple, you know, we’re not gonna move on. I just… I got nowhere to go, you know? I just want to know, like… What the fuck does a guy have to do to make Bill Belichick happy? Like, fucking cure… How about just to see some teeth? Like, you gotta cure cancer? And they’re watching the Super Bowl, Tom throws a touchdown pass. You guys win again, and Bill is looking at him like, you know, fucking Tom shit in his cereal. [audience laughs] That was the look on your face. Do you know what the look on my face would be if I was a football coach and Tom Brady was my quarterback? Thank you very much. [audience cheers and applauds] Another piece of white boy humor. [audience laughs] [Ross] This is the first time I ever wished Netflix had commercials. Oh. Jesus. All right. Guys, we are fucking rearing the end of the show. And by the way, at the end, it just gets better because this is a moment that we’ve all been waiting for. It’s the main event. By the main event, I do mean main event. So do me a favor. Get on your feet for the moment that we’ve all been waiting for. The man of the hour. That’s right, the fucking legend. And when we talk about goddamn legends, I’m talking about Peyton Manning! [audience cheers and applauds] [rave music plays] [rave music fades] Thank you very much. Thank you very much. [audience cheers] Thank you, Kevin. When Kevin reached out to me about roasting Tom, he told me he wanted me to be a surprise at the end of the night. And he also told me how desperate Netflix was for downloads. They said, “Peyton, you gotta help us out.” Aaron Rodgers can’t make it anymore. No one really knows who Julian Edelman is. [audience laughs] And Gronkowski probably can’t read a teleprompter. [audience laughs] How great is Rob Gronkowski? When I think of Gronk… [audience cheers and applauds] When I think of Gronk, I really think of firsts. He is the first tight end to lead the NFL in receiving touchdowns. He’s going to be a first-ballot Hall of Famer. [audience cheers and applauds] And by the looks of him, his parents were first cousins. [audience laughs] It is great to see the greatest coach in NFL history, Coach Bill Belichick here. [audience cheers and applauds] For those that don’t know, coach is gonna be doing some work on Eli and my Monday Night Football show this year. I gotta tell you, it’s gonna be awesome. Eli and I are super excited. And it’s gonna give Coach Belichick something he hasn’t had in a while. The chance to be around quarterbacks that he respects. [audience laughs] Honestly, it is great to be with a bunch of people sitting around, talking smack about Tom Brady, or as we call that in the Manning family, Thanksgiving. [audience laughs and applauds] True story, after spending several Thanksgivings with my parents, my kids now excuse themselves to use the bathroom by saying “I have to go take a Brady.” [audience laughs] In all seriousness, let me tell you about Tom Brady the man. Tom is making a donation to every one of his former teammates’ charities that came here tonight. I gotta tell you, Tom, that is first class. [audience cheers and applauds] Hey, fellas, don’t let him pay you in crypto. [audience laughs] Tom, even though we were bitter rivals, we’ve become really good friends. And I appreciate our friendship. Although Tom and I are still very different. Like my idea of a fun Saturday night is going to a local bar with my friends, shooting a little pool. While Tom’s idea of a fun Saturday night is going to the Met Gala dressed as the most fabulous general on the Death Star. [audience laughs] My idea of dinner is Applebee’s. Tom’s idea of dinner is eating apples and bees. [audience laughs] Of course, we all know Tom has five more Super Bowl rings than I do. He also has more touchdowns. He also has more touchdowns than I do, more passing yards, more retirements… [audience laughs] …more fake hair. [audience laughs] More TB12 bankruptcies. That is all true, okay. But I remember once that Tom told me, “Peyton, numbers don’t matter.” Sure, it was right before he deleted every number in his phone because NFL investigators were about to kick down his door. [audience laughs] But it was still nice of him to say. One thing that Tom and I definitely have in common, though, is our love of the game of golf. And listen, not to brag, we’re both pretty good players. My handicap is a 6.4, while Tom’s handicap is blowing leads in the Super Bowl to my brother, Eli. [audience laughs] But look, I want nothing but the best for my friend, Tom Brady. Now that we’re both in broadcasting, some people think it’s a rivalry again, that I want to see Tom fail. That I want to see him embarrass himself and get fired. That is absolutely ridiculous. It’s Coach Belichick who wants that. [audience laughs] Ladies and gentlemen, it is almost time for the guest of honor to defend himself. The last time… [audience cheers] The last time Tom Brady had to wait this long to get on stage, it was the 2000 NFL draft. [audience laughs] He is a three-time Super Bowl loser. Please welcome, Tom Brady! ♪ Allow me to reintroduce myself ♪ ♪ My name is Hov, H to the O-V ♪ ♪ I used to move snowflakes by the O-Z ♪ ♪ I guess even back then you can call me ♪ ♪ CEO of the R-O-C, Hov ♪ ♪ Fresh out the frying pan into the fire ♪ ♪ I be the music biz number one supplier ♪ ♪ Flier than a piece of paper Bearing my name ♪ ♪ Got the hottest chick in the game Wearing my chain, that’s right ♪ ♪ Hov, not DOC ♪ [audience cheering] Thank you. [audience cheering] [chanting] Brady! Brady! Brady! Brady! Oh, thank you. Brady! Brady! Brady! Thank you. Brady! Brady! I’ve had a lot of tequila. I’ve been up here for two hours listening to a bunch of shitty jokes. [audience laughs] Where the fuck did Peyton just walk off the stage? [audience laughs] Peyton, thank you so much for coming out to L.A. to do this. I know sometimes you live in Denver and sometimes you live in Louisiana, but you’ll always live in my shadow. [audience laughs and applauds] When I heard there was a slow white Bronco heading down the 405 to come here tonight, I thought we might actually see a real football legend. [audience laughs] Peyton and I, we go way back. When we started playing, Brett Favre was still faxing his dick pics. [audience laughs] And Antonio Cromartie only had one kid. [audience laughs] Well, folks, here we are once again, a packed arena, five minutes on the clock. Everything on the line. [audience cheers and applauds] We need a hero. Someone to come from behind and pull this clusterfuck out of the toilet. What the fuck did you guys do here tonight? Looks like it’s time for Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr… [audience cheers and applauds] …to step up and lead us to glory. Because you and I know and everyone in this dump knows he can do it. Yep, the word “hero” comes to mind. [audience laughs] But I struggle with that word. Because like the rest of America, I’ll always remember where I was that fateful day in September of 2001, when tragically, those two jets slammed into Drew Bledsoe. [audience groans and applauds] Jeff Ross, I want to thank you for talking me into doing this. Another thing that I’m great at. Who knew? [audience cheers] Oh, yeah. I did. [audience laughs] Because I’m about to replace you as the greatest roaster of all time. [audience cheers and applauds] So hit the bench, Jeff. Tonight you’re Jew Bledsoe. [audience laughs] People ask, “Tom, why would you do this roast now?” It’s simple. I can take all the hits. I would have done this earlier, but I’ve just been too busy winning championships. [audience cheers and applauds] Which explains why Peyton did this roast eight years ago. [audience groans] So let’s fucking go! [audience cheers and applauds] I’ve heard some people talk about me having bad knees. You know why my knees are so fucked up, Kevin? Because I spent so many goddamn hours on the floor begging Netflix to get Chappelle to host this. [audience laughs] Yeah. Fuck you, Kevin. [audience cheers and applauds] Sit your ass down. Let’s go. Professor Gronkowski. My boy. Thank you for being here. Despite everything we’ve seen here tonight, Gronk was actually useful on the field, although the bar for Patriot tight ends was pretty low back then. Block, catch, don’t murder. [audience laughs] Thanks to me, [inaudible dialogue] Gronk was so beloved there’s a baby rhino in the Tampa Zoo named after him. And Gronk, I’m here to say you are not the father. [audience laughs] You can stop sending those checks. [audience laughs] Oh, I fucked that rhino. When you’re Tom Brady, you’re not only feared, you’re envied. People want to be you. Right, Julian? [audience laughs] Bro, you can live in my guest house, swim in my pool, try on my fucking jock, or any other sick shit you do when I’m not around. But you’re a fucking stalker, bro. You’ll never be me, ever. Ever. No, you can date a model or four, steal my cologne, actively lobby to get Peyton Manning removed from the Hall of Fame… [audience laughs] …but you’ll never be me. [audience cheers] [Hart] True. By the way, I want to set the record straight. Certain haters, you’ve been up here talking shit about me not having any Black receivers. I never noticed. White players, Black players… [audience laughs] Even if I take their job while lying in a fucking hospital bed coughing up blood, they all get rings when they play with Tom Brady, right, Drew? [audience cheers and applauds] Unless you’re Randy Moss. [audience laughs] Can you believe that guy up here begging me: “T-boy, give me one of your rings.” Give you a ring? Bitch, please, you’ll be lucky if I sent you a text. [audience laughs] I’m not sitting on some plank trying to hook me a catfish. I’m Tom Brady. I got shit to do. Where’d Ben Affleck go? Look at Ben Affleck. He’s a huge movie star. Jersey Girl, Phantom, Batman… [laughs] [audience laughs] And he’s here defending me? And when has Ben Affleck ever made a bad decision? [audience laughs] Glaser, Schulz, Hinchcliffe, two racist bears. Who picked this shitty lineup? The New York Jets front office? [audience laughs] Nice fucking haircut. But I’m not gonna say shit about Sam Jay because she looks like that fucking dude who shredded my ACL. [audience laughs] I don’t care if you’re from Boston. [audience laughs] Kim Kardashian, thank you so much for being here. [audience cheers] I know Kim was terrified to be here tonight. Not because of this, but because her kids are at home with their dad. [audience laughs] [audience cheers]] We got so many great football greats here tonight. But where’s Roger Goodell? [audience boos] I know. Remember Deflategate? The NFL spent $20 million and found it was more “probable” than not that I was “generally” aware that someone may have deflated my footballs. You could have just given me the $20 million, and I would have just told you I fucking did it. [audience laughs] That’s the way it goes. You know what I’m saying, boys? You know what I’m saying? But I don’t want to get the NFL too upset. I’m trying to buy a piece of the Raiders. I’m tired of owning just the Colts and the Bills. [audience laughs] Buffalo fans call themselves the Bills Mafia? How are you the fucking mafia? At least the mafia has a ring you can kiss. [audience laughs] And while we’re at it, screw Colts fans. Colts are just Broncos who don’t fuck. [audience laughs] Kansas City, you say your stadium is the loudest? It helps when all your fans are 14-year-old girls. [audience laughs] And in honor of Tay Tay, let’s take a look at the Chiefs’ eras. Terrible for 50 years, good for five. Shake it off. [audience cheers and applauds] Philly fans are just racist assholes. But Kevin Hart is from there, so I get it. [audience laughs] Yeah, fuck you, Kevin. [audience laughs] In Philly, they have to grease up the light poles, so people don’t climb them after games. You know how they grease up those poles? They rub someone from Philadelphia on them. [audience laughs] And Giants fans… fuck Eli and fuck you, twice. [audience laughs] And now for the real reason you’re all here, Coach Bill Belichick. [audience cheers] Everybody asks me which ring is my favorite. I used to say “the next one.” But now that I’m retired, my favorite ring is the camera that caught Coach Belichick slinking out of that poor girl’s house at 6 a.m. a few months ago. [audience laughs] Hey, you still got it. [audience laughs and applauds] Respect, baby. [inaudible dialogue] You know, we’ve been through so much. And after two decades, I finally had to admit that all along, it was you. You’re the reason for the Patriots’ dynasty because you, Bill Belichick, you are a true coaching genius. I mean, you had to choose between an aging injured, overpaid Drew Bledsoe, and a young healthy, minimum-wage superstar. I could have got a fucking coach from Foxborough fucking High School to make that decision. Run it again, Belichick. [audience laughs] I’ve been out of the game for a minute, so I’m curious. How many Super Bowl rings have you won since I left? [audience groans] Maybe it’s not just the guy on the sideline. When I go to the Indy 500, I don’t ask the winning driver: “Hey, who gassed up your car?” [audience laughs] There have been a lot of jokes tonight, but the truth is I miss the love of my life… football. [audience cheers and applauds] So to my fans, it’s been an honor to be your guy that you can count on to get the team down the field and somehow pull off a last-minute miracle victory. What’s called in football “a Tom Brady.” [audience cheers] And to all the rest of you who have been talking shit about me for 20 fucking years, I got one thing to say. Lose my number. Fuck them all, baby! [audience cheers and applauds] Get on your fucking feet one time for the GOAT himself, Tom Brady. Now, Tom, one second. Before we end the night in amazing cheers, one second. One quick second. All right, Tom, this is a me thing. I was like, all right, if I’m gonna do it, well, Tom has to leave with something impactful to match the energy of the success that he’s had along the years. So Tom, what we decided to do was add another ring. Goddamnit, Tom, you deserve another fucking ring. But a ring fitted for a GOAT like yourself. Put it on. Oh, I love that. That’s right, put it fucking on. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s Tom fucking Brady. And this is a live event on Netflix. And you are a live crowd in the Forum. And we have a dais full of fucking hits. Thank you all for watching! Thank you all for supporting. More importantly, thank you for laughing. I love you guys so much. Good night. ♪ Another one gone Another one bites the dust ♪ [audience cheers and applauds] ♪ Another one bites the dust ♪ ♪ Shoot out ♪ [inaudible dialogue] ♪ All right ♪ ♪ I’m the GOAT ♪ ♪ Hey! ♪ ♪ I’m the GOAT ♪ ♪ Hey! ♪ ♪ I’m the GOAT ♪ ♪ Hey! ♪ ♪ I’m the GOAT Greatest of all time ♪ ♪ I’m the GOAT ♪ ♪ Hey! ♪ ♪ I’m the GOAT ♪ ♪ Hey! ♪ ♪ I’m the GOAT ♪ ♪ Hey! ♪ ♪ I’m the GOAT Greatest of all time ♪ ♪ I don’t know who told you different I worked hard for this ♪ ♪ Sacrificed so much to make it here I came too far for this ♪ ♪ They was sleeping, I was up and training Going off of this ♪ ♪ Elevate my confidence ♪ The best and that’s no argument ♪ ♪ Competition ain’t no threat When I step to it ♪ ♪ Not to mention for them checks I just do it ♪ ♪ Push myself to limits unimaginable To average folk ♪ ♪ Notice don’t come overnight ♪ ♪ You get there staying gradual ♪ ♪ Staying gradual ♪ ♪ GOATed status ♪ ♪ GOATed status ♪ ♪ Only the greats relate ♪ ♪ Only the fakes I hate ♪ ♪ That’s what it takes To make it go ♪ ♪ So we tune them out Don’t give them no attention ♪ ♪ Never focus on the opposition ♪ ♪ I’m focused on winning, ’cause I ♪ ♪ I’mma keep on going hard Till it’s all mine ♪ ♪ Won’t stop until I am the greatest… ♪ | [helicopter whirring] [tense music playing] It’s great seeing you again. This is a big night. The fans want you, everyone wants you, but it’s not your night. Sorry, Drew. Brady? Yeah, coach? You’re in. Let’s go! Let’s go. Are you fucking kidding me? Again? [dramatic music playing] [audience cheers] Now, live from the Netflix Is a Joke Festival, it’s the greatest roast of all time. Let’s bring out the only man brave enough to step into the arena with the GOAT. Get on your feet for the one and only Kevin Hart! [rap music playing] [audience cheers] [Hart] Yeah! [inaudible dialogue] Y’all can do better than that, Los Angeles. Make some noise in here! I love it. I love it. Sit down. Sit down. [rap music fades] Sit down. Welcome. Welcome, guys. I wanna say good evening, and more importantly, I wanna welcome you to the greatest roast of all time. Understand what I just said? The greatest roast of all time. [audience cheers] There you go. That’s what I want. That’s what I want. Uh, guys, we are here to roast the greatest quarterback of all time. [audience cheers] Yeah. Wait, Joe Montana’s here? Is it Joe Montana, or is it…? [audience laughs] Okay. Well, you know what, guys? We’re live. These are real problems. If it’s not Joe Montana, then it should be worded differently. If it’s Tom Brady, we should say we’re talking about one of the greatest to do it. Not the greatest. The greatest is Joe Montana. Okay, that’s good. Okay. That’s good. That’s good. Okay. All right. Corrections are made. Guys, we are live. We are live here in Inglewood at the Kia Forum, the legendary Kia Forum. [audience cheers] There’s a lot of history attached to this place, man. A lot of greatness has happened in this building. This is the home of the original Showtime Lakers, man. Jerry Buss. Yes! [audience cheers] Yes. You know, a lot of people actually don’t know the real reason behind the name Showtime, right? It’s not because of, like, Magic and Kareem and their play. They called this place Showtime, uh, because Jerry Buss used to show everybody his dick in this building. This was where Jerry Buss pulled his dick out. A lot of nasty shit has happened in this building. A lot of fucking has went down in the Forum. That’s what they called it. The Fucking Forum is what they called it. I wish I had a black light right now, I’d turn that bitch on, so y’all can see the cum stains you sitting on in these nasty-ass seats. It’s a nasty place. That’s right. You better get comfortable being uncomfortable, baby. Now, right now, I know what you guys are probably asking yourself. You’re saying, “Guys, why didn’t we go to the Crypto.com Arena downtown?” The reason why we didn’t go there is because we didn’t wanna remind Tom’s fans of how much money he owes them. He fucked those people. Tom fucked those people. Yeah. Yes, he did. Fucked them good, didn’t he? Wow. Tom brought Boston with him tonight. Holy shit. Look at this. [audience cheers] Goddamn. I’ve never seen Inglewood so white. Jesus Christ. It’s so fucking white in here. Looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert just let out. Jesus Christ. This used to be home of the Lakers. Now it look like the home of the Quakers. What the fuck is going on? This is so bad. Tom is gonna have to kick those racist jokes tonight. He’s gonna have to kick them. It’s gonna be hard, though. I saw a white-only water fountain in the back. I did. [audience laughs] I did. I did. Fuck you, Tom. All right. Just gonna keep randomly saying, “Fuck you, Tom.” Uh, the good thing about the bathroom is that whole situation will be fine. It will be settled, but, guys, there’s good parts to the show tonight. And I wanna tell you what the good parts are. The good parts are attached to Tom Brady. Now, before I cut his legs out, before I take what he has underneath him, I actually wanna give him some ground to stand on, okay? I actually wanna address the fact that Tom Brady truly is the GOAT. Let’s talk about this man’s success. Let’s talk about it. [audience cheers] Let’s talk about it. Twenty-three seasons, seven Super Bowl wins. Seven. Yes. [audience cheers] A three-time NFL MVP. Goddamn. Guys, hearing me say it is one thing, but you actually seeing it for yourself is another. Take a look. [Netflix theme music playing] [announcer 1] And we’re about set to go, 110,000 settling in here at historic Michigan Stadium. Take a look at Tom Brady from Michigan, the most underrated college quarterback in the country. The crowd is on its feet. Brady takes the snap, drops back to throw, fires. [announcer 2] Touchdown, Patriots! What a throw from Tom Brady! Let’s go! Let’s go! Super Bowl Champions again. [Brady] Let’s go! [dramatic music playing] [narrator] The poorest way to face life is to face it with a sneer. Many men feel a kind of twisted pride and cynicism. It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena. Who strives gallantly. One play at a time, huh? Whose face is marred by dust, and sweat, and blood. [announcer 3] Brady, looking. [narrator] Who comes short again and again. [announcer 4] Oh, my goodness. [announcer 5] Tom Brady took a tremendous hit. [narrator] But if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. [announcer 5] Thing we know about Brady is that a comeback is always possible. [narrator] So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory… nor defeat. ♪ Drinkin’ dope Turned me to a superhero, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Hit that pill Turned me to a superhero, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Boominati Turned me to a superhero, yeah, yeah ♪ [audience cheers] [inaudible dialogue] ♪ I’m on that dope again I’m on that flow again ♪ [Hart] Ladies and gentlemen, please do me a favor and get on your goddam feet, and right now help me welcome the fucking GOAT. The best quarterback to ever do it, Tom Brady! [audience cheers] [rap music fades] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [audience cheers] Uh, please. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you. [audience chanting] Brady! Brady! Brady! Thank you. Brady! Brady! Brady! [man] That’s our MVP! [Brady] Thank you. All right. Are you guys ready? [audience cheers] Because I am. It’s game time. Let’s go. [indistinct chatter] [Hart] All right. All right. All right. Tom, get all your guys settled down. That’s right. It’s go time. What a crazy night, Tom. [Brady] Crazy. It’s finally here, man. It’s finally here. You know, Tom, this is crazy because for more than 20 years, Tom has ruined Sundays for football fans all over the country. All over the country. But tonight, tonight, tonight we’re gonna ruin yours, Tom. I’m gonna ruin your fucking Sunday. We are here… We are here to honor this man tonight. Man, this a room full of friends and family. I’m looking around. It’s insane. I wanna let you know, Tom, off the bat, that that’s not why I’m here. I’m not here for your support. I’m here for the money. They paid me well, right? Let’s just… Let’s just get that out. They paid me very, very well, Tom. And I’m also here to do little promo hits here and there. I’m on tour. It’s called “Acting My Age.” Go to kevinhartnation.com. Uh, it’s a live audience. Why would I not take advantage of this moment, Tom? It’s not about you. Fuck you. Uh… It’s a second of Kevin. Now, I think we do have to track Tom, and we do have to track where you are in your life right now. I wanna congratulate you, ’cause a peaceful life is what you’re now living, and that’s a big deal, a big deal. For two years. It’s been two years since Tom’s gotten divorced, right? Two years. Two years. And, uh… Since then, since then, Tom has been fucking. He’s been fucking. [audience laughs] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. Tom’s been putting that 2-inch tool to work. Yep. Yep. [Hart laughs] Yes, he has. Tom’s been fucking so much that his dick has CTE. Yeah. Yeah. [audience laughs] Most people get STDs, Tom gets CTEs. Yeah, it’s the difference. Good for you, though, Tom. By the way, single life is what you deserve because you had no choice. Gisele gave you a ultimatum. Gisele said, “You retire or we’re done.” That’s what she said to you, Tom. “You retire or we’re done.” Let me tell you something. When you got a chance to go 8-9, and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids… you gotta do what the fuck you gotta do, do you understand me? Yeah. You gotta do it. You gotta do it. You know what that’s called, Tom? You know what that’s called? [Brady] What? That’s called real nigga shit. That’s what that’s called, Tom. [audience laughs] Yeah, Tom! Fuck them kids. [audience laughs] Shit. Yeah. You asked me to come here, bitch. I told you what I was gonna do. Uh, this is also a good time to say, man, I love the fact that you and Gisele are finding a way to co-parent and still keep it together, man. Gisele is actually here supporting you tonight. But just for full transparency, uh, she came as Antonio Brown’s plus-one. How does that…? [audience laughs] What? What? What? What did I say? What did I say? I’m just here to have a good time. Before you can get comfortable, you gotta get uncomfortable. I’m removing the discomfort from this room. Speaking of discomfort, let’s talk about Bill Belichick for a second. Um, Tom… It’s just a good segue, man. You know, the world knows that you left Bill Belichick high and dry, man. You left him, and then you went to Tampa, and you won a championship. Holy shit. Holy shit. You left Bill Belichick with Mac Jones. Goddamn. Oh, you fucked him. You fucked him good. You did. You did, Tom. You fucked your coach. But let me tell you something, people. Let me tell you something. That’s what you gotta do to maintain your happiness. You understand? You sometimes got to fuck your coach. You know who else fucked that coach? Gisele. She fucked that karate man. [audience laughs] Nope. Nope. Listen. What? What? What a idiot. Why would you do this? What a idiot! All right. I mean, Jesus Christ, Tom. One of the smartest quarterbacks to ever play the game. How did you not see this coming? Eight fucking karate classes a day. Eight karate classes a day? She… [audience cheers] [Hart laughs] Eight karate classes a day and she’s still a white belt. She’s still a white belt. Fuck, Tom. The only bruises she have are on her ass. Everybody should have known it! All right, you gotta get uncomfortable. Oh, my God, the scariest part about this, guys, is if we have any problems, man, I’m worried for you. Jesus Christ, you can’t lose any fights to the bonus dad. Kids are gonna have to change their name. The fucking guy knows karate, Tom. You can’t fight this guy. I can’t help you with this guy. [exclaims] Everybody’s asking the same question right now, and I know what that question is. Who the fuck are these people behind me? Um, here’s a good time to tell you the truth. We lied. We told you guys that there would be a lot of superstars here tonight. But there aren’t. It’s just me. Uh, outside of me… You got me, you got a bunch of out-of-shape athletes, some horrible podcasters… [audience laughs] …and one whore. There’s one whore here. All right? What? What? Now, this dais is gonna be filled with energy and great jokes. I wanna let you guys all know that I’m quarterbacking this bitch tonight. With that being said, that means I’ve got a lot of guns with a lot of ammo. This is how these roasts work. See, the dais, they come up here, and they talk about Tom, they gonna take shots at me. I wanna let you guys know, I got two full fucking clips. Now, you fuck with me if you want, I’m gonna shoot these guns. I have no problem shooting these guns. You think I’m bullshitting? Tom, they think I’m bullshitting. Y’all want a test shot? You wanna see how fast these guns work? Here’s a little test shot. [audience cheers] A little test shot. Oh… Chelsea. Chelsea Handler’s here. Okay. Hey, Chelsea. [audience cheers] [mouths] No. [Hart] Chelsea. Hey, Chelsea. Oh, man. Nothing better than seeing my sister. Love her to death. You know, Chelsea, we had you sitting next to a Black guy, but we changed it only because we know how you feel, and ultimately, the Black dick matters. You’ll fuck a Black dick fast, Chelsea. Speaking of Black dick, Kim is here tonight. Hey, Kim. These are just two guns. These are two guns. Kim, I put it down. Bop, bop. No troubles. No fucking troubles. Leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone. Chelsea, Kim, you are innocent bystanders. You had nothing to do with nothing. You didn’t deserve that, and I apologize. With that being said, guys, to start a roast, you have to start it off with a bang. And to do that, you gotta do it with a roast master. A GOAT without a butcher is not a GOAT. Please welcome, straight from hell, the real killer, America’s roast master, Jeff Ross. [dramatic music playing] [audience cheers] [Ross] What’s up, roast fans? Make some noise! [audience cheers] The juice is loose tonight! If the gloves don’t fit, you must talk shit. What’s up, Patriots? I just came from hell. Aaron Hernandez says hello. [audience laughs and groans] Yeah, motherfuckers, it’s a roast. And I had to dress like O.J. ’cause I’m about to kill this white bitch right here. [audience laughs] [Hart] Let’s go, Jeff. Now, give it up for the Lord of the Super Bowl Rings, my friend Tom Brady. [audience cheers] Yeah! A man who has so many rings, he could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest to get Gisele back from that jiujitsu teacher. [Ross yelling] You’re a legend, Tom. You really are. You really put the “jizz” in “Gisele.” [audience laughs] Let’s fucking go! [audience cheers] Live on Netflix! Also live on Netflix this summer from Dallas, Mike Tyson is boxing Jake Paul, a kid more than half his age. My prediction, Iron Mike is gonna kill that baby. [audience cheers] It’ll be the only legal abortion in Texas. No fear. This is what we do. Look at you, Tom Brady. You’re so beautiful. I just wanna fuck that dimple in your chin. Oh! Beautiful. Look at you. You look like a vampire that only drinks almond blood. Tom looks like he bleaches his asshole just in case. [audience laughs] Laugh it up, people. The world needs this. There hasn’t been a roast in years because everyone’s chicken. But not you, Tom. You’re not chicken. [audience cheers] No way. I read your book. You’re mostly nuts, berries, and avocados. The TB12 Method, that’s your book. Very helpful. In fact, Kevin Hart’s been sitting on it all night. [audience laughs] What an opening. I love you, Kevin. What an opening. You’re amazing. [audience cheers] I really wanted Kevin to host ’cause he already looks like a deflated football. Kevin Hart is the biggest Eagles fan. In fact, one snatched him up in his backyard and dropped him off here this afternoon. [Ross laughs] When I first walked in, I thought, “Is that Kevin Hart, or did Randy Moss take a knee?” [audience laughs] Kevin Hart, I love you, man. I really do. You’re so goddamn funny. And congrats on being the latest recipient of the prestigious Kennedy Center’s Mark Twain Prize for Humor. Well deserved, my man. [audience cheers] And surely, if Mark Twain were around today, he would call you a n… A… [audience laughs] A… National treasure. Look at this arena! [audience cheers] All my friends are here. This is incredible. So many legends in the room. Dana White, I see you hiding over there. What’s up, Dana? [audience cheers] Look at this. Talk about a legend in the room. Pull back. I wanna show he brought the whole cast of Queer Eye. [audience laughs] Dana, who are these guys? Are these guys, uh…? [stammers] Are they neutered? What the fuck’s going on here? The sign said “no pets,” Dana. I love you, Dana. You’re like Michael Vick but with human beings. Tom… Tom, your teammates are all here at the beautiful, sold-out Los Angeles Forum. Incredible. [audience cheers] By the way, “forum” is also how Rob Gronkowski counts to five. Four, um… Five, um… [audience laughs] I love you, Gronk. I love you, Gronk. Poor Gronk. He thinks his last name is Owski. [audience laughs] You’re one of the greatest, Gronk. You’re one of the greatest. They love you. [audience cheers] Of course… growing up, it was never even Gronk’s dream to play football, but his parents figured, “Hey, he’s already wearing the helmet.” [audience laughs] Julian, can you explain that joke to Gronk? Oh, man. We’re doing it Boston-style tonight. I’m telling you. [audience cheers] Boston-style, you know. It’s gonna be a marathon, and somebody’s gonna bomb. [audience laughs and groans] [man] Yeah! [Ross] Hey, listen, man. No fear. This is what we do. That’s what Tom told me. Thanks for coming in, Tom, from your new home state of Florida. We wanted to roast you in Florida, but because of your governor, we wouldn’t be able to call you gay. [audience laughs] What an underdog story, man. Against all odds. It all started in San Mateo, California. [audience cheers] Tom’s mom, who’s here tonight somewhere. Where is she? Yeah. She was in labor with you for 43 hours. Talk about staying in the pocket. [audience laughs] Tom was eventually drafted 199th in the NFL draft. You sat there for days, waiting and waiting, and then you were finally picked in the sixth round when Bill Belichick’s dog stepped on the keyboard by accident. [audience laughs] So Tom… became a Patriot, moved up to New England, and on the first day of training camp, that scrawny rookie famously walked into the owner Robert Kraft’s office and said, “I’m the best decision your organization has ever made.” [audience cheers] “Would you like a massage?” [audience laughs] I love Robert Kraft. Don’t say that shit again. Okay, okay, okay. He’s having fun. Look at him. I love what you do for the Jews, Robert Kraft. You’re incredible. Shalom, my brother. From that point on, everything was a fairy tale. Unless you’re Drew Bledsoe, then it was a total fucking nightmare. [audience laughs] Drew. [audience cheers] Ah, of course, Super Bowl MVP Julian Edelman is here. Hi, Julian. [audience cheers] Of course, Julian’s considered the greatest Jewish football player of all time. Which is pretty impressive, until you realize the guy in second place was me. [audience laughs] [Ross sighs] Tom, I really wanted you to be our first GOAT to be roasted because you’re an example to future generations that if you work hard, eat right, film the other team’s practices… [audience laughs] …deflate the balls, and have the NFL make new rules just for you, then you, too, can be the third most famous guy in a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial. [Ross chanting] U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! Tommy, you once told me that it was your dream to be roasted, and here we are, proving that you’re not just a great athlete, you’re also a great sport. [audience cheers] And if I ever have a son, I want him to be smart, strong, and driven, just like you, Tom. Which is why tonight at the after-party, I’m gonna try to fuck your sister. Julie! You’re my number-one draft pick. Let’s fucking go! I love you guys! Thank you, everybody! [audience cheers] [speaking indistinctly] Wow. Wow. Stop being a bitch, Jeff. Just sit down. Stop kissing his ass. “You okay? You okay, right, Tom? It was just jokes.” Such a bitch. Uh, guys, make sure you guys check out Jeff’s one-man show. Uh, it’s playing at the Hollywood cemetery. Um, I’m not… [audience laughs] I’m not even joking. His career is literally dying. It’s dying. If we stop doing these roasts, you will not see Jeff Ross ever again. Do you hear me? Save Jeff Ross. Keep the roasts going. Jesus Christ. Jeff, you’re so fucking… Bitch. I heard you over there, you bitch. [gibbers] “Tom, you all right? Yeah. Your hair is so straight.” [audience laughs] You know the funny thing? You came out here trying to act like you were upset with O.J. and all that little attitude. It’s got nothing to do with O.J. Jeff Ross, you’re mad about the fact that it was a waiter that got killed who brings out food, you fat fuck. That is one less waiter on the streets. That’s what you’re upset about. Fucking Jeff Ross. Just keep the roasts coming, okay? What else do you have going on? There other shit happening in your life? One-man show. “Take a Banana for the Ride.”On tour now. “Take a Banana for the Ride?” On tour. Thank you. I wish I could give you a bunch of shit, but I actually love you, Jeff. I actually do, man. Good shit. Jeff is the only person that I see, and every time I see him, I just say he looks sicker. I don’t know what’s happening. [audience laughs] It’s just getting sicker and sicker, but we can’t nail it down. We don’t know what it is. All right, guys, coming to the stage right now is a man. Well, a man who was picked first in the NFL draft and last for this roast. Please welcome Drew Bledsoe. Come on, Drew. [rap music playing] [audience cheers] [rap music fades] It’s a pretty cool, uh… Pretty cool stage up here. Uh… This reminds me, um… [audience cheers and boos] Settle down. I got some jokes to tell. [audience laughs] Uh, the stage is really cool, man. This reminds me of the first round of the draft. [audience laughs] You remember, Randy. Willie, you remember. First round. Pretty cool, right? So, look, I’ve got to admit, I’m a little bit nervous tonight. I truly am. The last time I was up on-stage before Tom Brady, I ended up in the hospital for five days and I lost my damn job. [audience laughs] So, real talk, you know, a lot of people just assume that I have a lot of animosity towards Tom Brady. I’m here to tell you tonight, in front of millions of people… that you’re correct. I fucking hate him. [audience laughs] I mean… [audience cheers] Hey, but let’s just be honest, a lot of you guys kind of hate him too. I mean, who’s more hateable than the most successful quarterback of all time? I’m… I mean, except maybe Belichick. Um… [audience laughs] So there were rumors that Coach Belichick was gonna be here tonight. Um, turns out he had some time on his hands. [audience laughs] Hey, look. At least when I got fired, somebody else wanted me. [audience laughs] [Bledsoe] Ahem. I was worried he was behind me. [audience laughs] Oh, look, uh, you know what? Tom invited his one Black receiver here tonight. That’s… [audience cheers] That’s, um… That’s very woke of you, buddy. Very woke. Anyway, Randy Moss is here. [audience cheers] He’s a country-ass bass fisherman from West Virginia who used to own a NASCAR team. Dude, even your Black receivers are white dudes. I mean, dude, come on. His name’s Randy. It’s the fucking whitest name since Kevin. [audience laughs] Rob Gronkowski’s here. He’s Tom’s favorite tight end… [audience cheers] Rob’s here tonight. He’s Tom’s favorite tight end that wasn’t a murderer. [audience laughs] [inaudible dialogue] A lot of people, um… A lot of people don’t know that Gronk is originally from Buffalo. Uh, that’s right. Uh, he was actually born on a folding table at a Bills tailgate. [audience laughs] In a weird twist of fate, that’s also where he was conceived. The, um… Apologies to your folks, Rob. Um… You know, the second-best number 11 ever to play for the Patriots is here. Julian Edelman. [audience cheers] [inaudible dialogue] Jules is, um… Jules is a true unicorn. He’s a short Jewish receiver… but he also played defense. Belichick wanted him to play nickel, he held out for dime. [audience laughs] Most of his career highlights are just negotiations. So look, Tom, I’m really glad that you enjoyed all this amazing success with the team that I built. [audience laughs] Super fucking happy for you, bud. That’s a good one. You know, when, uh, most people lose their jobs, they start drinking. Ahem. Uh, I started a winery. [audience laughs] It’s called Doubleback. It’s named after what Tom does every time he walks past a mirror. [stammers] You know this move, right? You know you do that shit. You know, my favorite wine is our world-class cabernet. [audience cheers] Uh, Tom’s favorite whine is “Where’s the flag?” [audience laughs] You know, obviously, buddy, you got really used to not being touched, right? Just like the end of the marriage. [audience groans] [audience cheers] So, hey, look, buddy, you know, you have more rings than I do, but I’ve experienced a couple things that you will never experience. The feeling of being the number-oneoverall draft pick in the NFL. And a, um, 28th wedding anniversary. It was yesterday. [audience laughs] Ahem. Yeah, that was, um… That actually was yesterday. Love you, baby. Um… [audience cheers] So, look, when I first met Tom, he was not the greatest of all time. He was not what you see right now. He was just a sensitive pretty boy from San Francisco who wouldn’t shower with the team. [clears throat] And he drove a yellow Jeep. A yellow fucking Jeep, right? [Brady speaks indistinctly] So look… Oh, don’t make excuses, dude. It was a yellow fucking Jeep. [audience laughs] But look, I am not standing here right now saying that Tom Brady is gay. I’m not. I’m not saying that. But he sure did fuck me. [audience laughs] [audience cheers] [clears throat] [clears throat] All right. So now I have to be nice and sincere, and I will be. Um, look, man, uh, Tommy, I’ve told you before and I will tell you now in front of millions of people, incredibly proud of all that you’ve accomplished. [woman whoops] But I’m… No. But, um, I’m far more proud of how you’ve done it. You’ve always been a man of true character. I know you’re gonna continue to do great things. I love you, all right? [Brady] Love you. I love you. [audience cheers] Now… will you please stay fucking retired? We are sick of this shit. All right, got to go. [audience cheers] [speaking indistinctly] [sounds like “boo”] Drew! Boo! Ooh! Hey, Drew, I don’t wanna hit you with like a shot, uh, ’cause I feel like you’ve been through enough. Um, but I just wanna add… [audience laughs] Is it just me or do you guys feel like Drew has one of those faces that you see in the Walgreens picture frames? Like, you know when you go to Walgreens or Target or fucking…? You got an employee-of-the-month face, Drew. It just looks like you do great work wherever you fucking go. Like, “Man, that guy there worked hard. Look at him. Ever since the Brady shit, he’s been here night in, night out. He’s Sam’s Club’s best cus…” [laughing] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. The whole time he was talking, I was like: “That looks like somebody in the employee-of-the-month…” He was like: mmm, mmm, mmm. You guys are all idiots. Fucking idiots. This is my stage. I got the fucking gun. You hear me? Fuck you, Tom. Every once in a while, I’m just gonna tell you that just because. And I’m gonna hit you with a couple shots coming up. Stop drinking ’cause you’re nervous. Every once in a while… [audience laughs] Every once in a while, I want you all to do me a favor and just put a tight shot on Tom’s face when people are talking shit about him. His lip is shaking. If you can look at it, he just doesn’t know what they’re gonna say. With that being said, Tom, I’m gonna fuck you up after this one. You’re gonna get some more. But this next roaster… This next roaster is amazing. Guys, it’s Nikki Glaser. And her new comedy special is called Someday You’ll Die. You know why? Because it’s all about the guys she fucked without a condom. They’re dead. Come on, Nikki. [audience cheers] [rap music playing] Thank you, 15 Cent. [audience laughs] You really gotta hand it to Kevin Hart, ’cause he can’t reach. [audience laughs] [inaudible dialogue] No, Kevin, I love you. No one works harder than this man. Do you know that every morning Kevin wakes up at 4 a.m. to make a shitty movie? [audience laughs] No, I love your movies. Or as I call them “short films.” No, I’m kidding. I hate them. No. No, sorry, Kevin, I don’t mean to belittle you, but you “be little,” man. Like, you’re a tiny guy. Kevin is five-two, 150 pounds. Um, 155 after the Rock finishes, but… [audience laughs] What…? Thank you. You’re his favorite Fleshlight. Rob Gronkowski is not all here. Hey, Rob. No, Rob, you’re not really as dumb as you look and sound and act and are. [audience laughs] He might be dumber. Is it true, you were the first person born with CTE? Is that real? [audience laughs] No, Gronk, I love you. You put the “downs” in touchdowns, you really do. You put the “special” in special teams. You put the “tard” in “Rob Gronkowski is retarded.” [audience laughs] Sorry. Why? I’m so sorry, Rob. You haven’t caught this much heat since you were microwaved as a baby. I’m sorry. Jeff, killer set. Congrats on the weight loss too, man. It must be nice to know that being fat wasn’t what made you disgusting to look at. That’s… [audience laughs] Sorry, man. You really put the “ick” in Ozempic. It’s… Jeff, you look like your pronouns are “it, that.” [audience laughs] You’d look like something cancer catches. Are you pickled? I’m confused. The only time Jeff ever got a woman wet is when she helped roll him back into the ocean. [audience laughs] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you. Uh, Tom, Bert, I love you too. You’re presenting together later like two peas in each other’s mouths. [audience laughs] Bert. Bert, I love you. You know I’m such a fan of your joke. [audience laughs] It’s good. Shirts are supposed to stay on, but he takes it off. It’s so good. Andrew Schulz, you carny-faced bitch, I… I hate your comedy more than Kevin hates high fives. I really… [audience laughs] Now please give it up for zero-time Super Bowl champion Randy Moss. I’m sorry, Randy. Why don’t you have a ring? What the hell, man? You’re one of the best ever. Drew Bledsoe has a ring. Aaron Hernandez had a ring around his neck. Like, what’s going on? [audience laughs and groans] Julian, you have three rings around your cock right now, you squinty-eyed fuckboy. Julian, out of curiosity, how are you getting home? How did you get here today? Did you drive? Or did you, uh, ride Tom’s dick? Which was it? Because I… Tom’s dick. ‘Cause I wanna get a ride home on it, but… [audience laughs] But let’s get to the reason we’re all here tonight. Uh, Drew Bledsoe. “Drew bled so Tom could run.” [audience laughs] But I’m gonna move on from you just like your team did after you almost died. [audience laughs] Tom Brady. Hi, Tom. [Brady] Hi. Tom Brady. God, the only goat Jeff Ross hasn’t tried to fuck. [audience laughs] Tom Brady, five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns, you have seven rings… Well, eight now that Gisele gave hers back, but… [audience laughs] I just wanna… Sorry, Tom. It’s okay. Tom, the only thing dumber than you saying yes to this roast was when you said, “Hey, babe, you should try jujitsu.” I think that was… [audience laughs] That’s gotta suck. Dude. How much would it suck for Tom…? Oh, my God, just knowing your ex-wife’s new boyfriend can beat your ass while eating hers. That’s gotta be terrible. [audience cheers] Oh, no. You’ll be okay, Tom. Yeah, you’re great. First, you’re the hottest person I’ve ever seen in my life. I shouldn’t be able to talk to you. I can’t even handle it. [audience cheers] You should see this up close. It’s insane. I… Uh, listen, tonight there’s gonna be a lot of jokes about me, um, being like, uh, a depraved, cum-guzzling slut. And I just wanna say, for the record, I do have a boyfriend. We’ve been together for ten years. The love of my life. He’s here tonight. And I just… He’s sitting right over there. And I wanna say publicly, I would shoot you in the fucking face for a lottery ticket to suck this guy’s dick. [audience laughs] Just a chance! He’s perfect! He was on my fantasy team last night. My clit has CTE now. I would show you, but the NFL’s making me cover it up. But seriously, Tom… [audience laughs] You really are… I mean, you’re the best to ever play for too long. I mean… you retired, then you came back, and then you retired again. I get it. Hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend. It’s tough. [audience groans] Hey. To be fair, he didn’t know she was pregnant. He just thought she was getting fat. And Tom hates fat. Do you guys know about his diet program? It is so strict. But if you follow it exactly as he does, you too can lose your family. And, seriously, you can lose so much family. It’s… It works. Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? I mean, even Gronk was like, “Me know that not real money.” Like… [audience laughs] Right? You know. Gro… Gronk… Gronk actually does Bitcoin, which is where he just chews on a handful of nickels, but… [audience laughs] I got to go. But I just… I have one more thing to say and I promise to keep it Kevin Hart. I… [audience laughs] To be honest, Tom, I didn’t really know a ton about your career before this. And I only really started watching football when Taylor Swift said it was okay. But… [audience laughs] Uh, what I’ve learned, I’m in absolute awe of you. Uh, you were a sixth-round draft pick that really… Everyone kind of counted out. No one believed in. And then you became this. You became the greatest of all time. And if I’ve learned anything… [audience cheers] If I’ve learned anything about this man is that if you tell Tom Brady he can’t do something, not only will he do it, but he’ll do it the best it’s ever been done. So I’m here to say, tonight, Tom Brady cannot make me cum. [audience laughs] Let’s fucking go? [inaudible dialogue] [audience cheers] [Hart] Oh, my God, Nikki. Oh, my God. For those that are watching at home, this is live and that was a standing ovation. Well fucking deserved. Well deserved. [audience cheers] Goddamn, Nikki. “Me… Me know that’s not real money.” [audience laughs] Oh… Oh… I was sitting next to Rob. And he was saying… After you said it, he said, “I did.” He said, “I did.” Oh… [audience laughs] Oh, Rob. You can’t help the joke, Rob. She’s making fun of you. “I did know.” Oh… Oh, I love Nikki, man. Nikki… Here’s a little information about Nikki that you didn’t know. Nikki is the only woman who had a meniscus tear in her pussy. This is a true story. But she’s only out for six weeks, Tom. She’ll be back, if you do. Yeah. Nikki’s pussy is shaped like Gronk’s Fleshlight. I know you said that 50 Cent has one. But Gronk actually came using you, which is good. “And he knew that was not real pussy.” Right, Gronk? Yeah. It’s a good callback. Callbacks is what they’re called, Gronk. Oh, my God. Only Nikki could host a show called Fuckboy Island and still not get laid. You know, listen, do you know that we lost three fuckboys? Three fuckboys drowned trying to get off that island. We lost three good fuckboys because of you, Nikki, and that baggy clit. I’m sick of it. [audience laughs] Yeah, fuck you, Tom. All right. Nikki, in all seriousness, that was insane. Brilliant writing, brilliant timing. Uh, great set. [audience applauds] Great fucking set. That’s the beauty of roasting. That’s what it is. There’s a art to it. And when you get it right, goddamn, it’s amazing. We’re gonna keep the energy going. Our next roast is a Black man from West Virginia. Wait, I’m sorry. No, I’m sorry. He’s “the Black man” from West Virginia. Uh, please welcome to the stage, Randy Moss. Come on, Randy. [rap music playing] [audience cheers] [rap music fades] Now, they got me up after these first two acts, and, uh, I can honestly tell you guys I’m nervous. Nikki, that was fabulous. I loved that. But thank you, Kevin. I played three seasons with the New England Patriots, okay? [audience cheers] Before I got to the New England Patriots, I heard… Or we heard about Spygate. Then after I left, I hear about Deflategate. So I only got one question for you, Tom. Why the fuck didn’t we cheat when I was there?! [audience laughs] I wanted to cheat too. [audience laughs] My kids always ask me: “Daddy, why does everyone have a ring but you?” You know how hard it is to look your kids in the eyes and say: “They just don’t trust me enough to cheat”? [audience laughs] So come on, man, how did I miss out on the fucking dynasty, Tom? The dynasty. I missed out on it. Well, I’ll tell you what you really deflated, Tom. My fucking legacy, dude. Where would I be if I had a ring, okay? Where would I be? Everyone was cheating back then. David Tyree caught a ball on the side of his helmet with a magnet tied to his hand. The New York Giants were cheating back then. [audience laughs] But everybody out there was cheating, everybody but me. So, Tom, you remember our first season together? [Brady] I remember. 16-0? Yep. [audience cheers] [speaks indistinctly] How about those 23 touchdowns? [Brady] Oh, man. [Moss] That’s something I’ll never forget. So since you… You feeling this way? You feeling grateful? Oh, yeah. Nikki said you have eight. Why don’t you give me one of those eight? [audience laughs] The first one against the Rams, that’s the one I want. Willie McGinest, he played like shit in the Super Bowl against the St. Louis Rams, am I right? Where you at? Hey, Lonie Paxton. You were the long snapper that snapped the ball for the game-winning field goal, am I right? Matt Light, didn’t you block for his sorry ass in Super Bowl…? His first Super Bowl? So, Tom, that’s the ring that I want. How about that? All right. But let me say this. Drew Bledsoe was in the freaking hospital and he got a Super Bowl ring. [audience laughs] Tom, Nate Ebner? Nate Ebner. Who the fuck is Nate Ebner, dude? He has three Super Bowl rings. Mr. Kraft. Vladimir Putin has a ring? [audience laughs] So the two guys that deflated the football had… No, you know, I’m sorry. That’s a bad example, they deserved them. They deserved them, they deserved them. They deserved them. Look, before I became a Patriot, you were America’s quarterback. Everyone thought you were soft… but I got to see your tenacity and how you prepared for the game, and you approached the game like a hard-hitting linebacker. [audience cheers] Even though we didn’t win it all, I still got everything that I wanted because I got to play with the greatest quarterback that’s ever lived. [audience cheers] And for three years, it was a short time, we scared the entire National Football League. [audience cheers] Tom, you’re still my quarterback. Even though you did not want me to be your accomplice. [audience laughs] Ladies and gentlemen, I love this man. He gave me an opportunity. Y’all know the story about me sneaking in the hotel to see him. They told me to come up here for a roast, man. And I told them, for Tom Brady, man, I’ll come and do anything for Tom. Thanks for having me, man. Appreciate you guys. [audience cheers] [inaudible dialogue] [Hart] Wow. Wow. Randy Moss, huh? Did you hear that, Tom? That man’s fucking hurt. [audience laughs] He’s hurt. I can goddamn see it. I can see it in his eyes. I see it the way he looks at you. You guys fucked him over, man. [audience laughs] It’s fucking ridiculous, man. You goddamn put him in this situation to come up here and expose himself like that. As a Black man… By the way, Randy, tonight shouldn’t be the night. It’s only three Black men up here. Well, four. You got you, me, Willie, Sam. Who else? What? Five. Six. [audience laughs] Sorry. No, Sam, I was going down the line, and I swear to God, that’s the only reason why I said that. Hey, bro, does anybody know why Randy Moss came up here dressed like a public-school substitute teacher? Jesus Christ. [audience laughs] Where did they tell him he was going? Goddamn it. Ran… Randy is proof that Black people can be white trash. Right there, that’s it. [speaks indistinctly] [Hart laughs] Y’all let me start drinking. It’s going to be long. It’s gonna be a long night. Uh, guys, next, for a very special toast, right? This toast has to come from somebody worthy of a moment and such. A special friend and a special lady, Kim Kardashian. Come on. [audience cheers] [sultry music plays] [sultry music fades] Thank you so much, Kevin. I know a lot of people make fun of your height, but what people don’t know is you’re also pretty mean. Which makes you the smallest Black dick I’ve ever seen. [audience laughs] [inaudible dialogue] Sorry, guys. I would have written jokes for you, but I literally don’t know who you are, so… [audience laughs] Um, okay, but I’m really here tonight for Tom. I wasn’t gonna come tonight, but since I’m not here as Tom’s date, there’s still a good chance I might. [audience laughs and groans] Speaking of Tom and I dating, I know there were some rumors that we were. And I’d never say if we did or not, I’d just release the tape. [audience laughs] Um, but I do know it would never work out. An ex-athlete, high cheekbones, silky hair. You remind me too much of my stepdad now. [audience laughs] Um… [audience cheers] [Kardashian speaks indistinctly] Part of me thinks you would want to undress me just to try on my clothes. I know the transition from the NFL must have been really hard, but I think my stepdad is a great example for you. She’s one of the best athletes in the world who proved you can do anything in this next chapter of your life. You can become a commentator, a far-right Republican, or even a strong, confident woman. [audience laughs] No, seriously, I think it’s so great the way that you’re showing everyone that even after winning seven Super Bowls, you can still have a midlife crisis. [audience laughs] Honestly, it’s hard for me to watch people roast you, but I think enough of my family members have helped defend former football players. [audience laughs] Um… So I’m just here tonight to support you and celebrate you. Retirement isn’t easy. It can be a lot like a bad breakup. So I’ll give you the same advice that I give all my exes. “Good luck knowing the best is behind you.” Congratulations, Tom. Cheers, everyone, to Tom Brady. [audience cheers and applauds] [indistinct chatter] [Hart] It’s good shit, Kim. [Ross] Give it up for Kim Kardashian, everybody. [audience cheers] Beautiful. Thank you, Kim. Have a seat. We’re gonna auction off your seat cushion later for, uh… To raise money for erectile dysfunction. [audience laughs] We’re live on Netflix. If you’re just tuning in, uh, this is not Love on the Spectrum. This is Hate in the Forum. Everybody’s here. I got so many friends here. Look, Marco Andretti, great racecar driver, is here. Hi, Marco. Take a bow with your beautiful girlfriend, Billie. I bet you two lay down a lot of rubber. [audience laughs] Does he ever finish first? [audience laughs] Great job, Kim. Caitlyn Jenner wanted to be here, but she was confused by the tuck rule. It’s my honor to bring up our next act. Are you ready, motherfuckers? [audience cheers] Please welcome Bert Kreischer, Tom Segura. The 2 Bears! [rap music plays] [audience cheers] [rap music fades] Thank you. Thank you, Jeff, for turning this special night into one more opportunity you couldn’t turn down. [audience laughs] God, you are such a fucking whore. And that’s coming from me, Jeff. Thank you for inviting us to celebrate the GOAT, W.G. Wait, what’s that? Wait, GOAT, W.G.? Greatest Of All Time, White Guy. [Kreischer] Aw, fuck, yeah! You know, our people don’t get many days like these anymore. [audience laughs] No, we really don’t. Netflix was hoping some trans, amputee skier was popular enough to do this, but… [audience laughs] …instead, they settled for the greatest white guy alive. It’s rare that they let us have a night. They have taken everything from us. Golf. Tennis. Hockey. And even baseball, once America’s pastime, isn’t even played by Americans now. [speaking in Spanish] You fucking traitor. But tonight isn’t about them. It’s about this incredible, white American man. Uh, two solid whites. Yeah. [audience groans] And, ladies and gentlemen, tonight isn’t just about Tom Brady’s dream of securing a future for white children in this country. [audience laughs] No, it isn’t. Tonight is about celebrating everything Tom Brady stands for. He is so good-looking. Oh… He’s fucking gorgeous. [snorts] Look at this fucking picture. [audience laughs] Fucking… Who takes this picture? Was he pregnant? This fucking… Fuck! This is the fucking gayest shit I’ve ever seen. [audience laughs] He… [Kreischer snorting] [Kreischer] That’s you. That’s you. That’s fucking you. He’s also… He is also relentless. Oh, you can’t tell that guy no. And he has that one thing that only special men have. He’s HIV positive. [audience laughs] No, that was Magic, and it happened right here in this building. [audience laughs and groans] [Kreischer snorting] So much fucking, but… What Tom Brady has is that killer instinct. Which makes Netflix the perfect place for Tom Brady. Yes, because if there’s one thing that Netflix loves, it’s serial killers. [audience laughs] Don’t believe us? Let us compare him with another famous TB. Ted Bundy. Fuck, he’s gorgeous too. I think I might need a new hall pass. Bundy has so many emotional traits that Tom has. Let’s take a look. Wait, what’s this? This is the psychopathy checklist developed by Robert Hare. It has helped me understand my wife better, and… [audience laughs] …as you can see, Tom Brady checks all the boxes. Maybe they should call it “The Brady List.” Oh, believe you me, Bert. One day they will. Glibness, superficial charm. Brady’s got it. How does a smile just disappear like that? It doesn’t end there, Bert. Grandiose sense of self-worth, this motherfucker’s got it. All right. Well, to be fair, Gisele got half that check. Yeah, that’s a good point. [audience groans] Oh, fuck you, is she here? Then shut the fuck up. [audience laughs] Brady even has the need for stimulation, prone to boredom that all the psychos have. “I’m retired. You know what? I’m not retired.” Tom Brady is 100% a psychopath. He’s from… [audience laughs] …Northern California, like the Zodiac Killer. Uh, he choked a couple times in New England like the Boston Strangler. Yeah. And he chewed up and spat out the competition just like Dahmer. What about another Netflix documentary darling, Jeffrey Epstein? Well, he wasn’t a serial killer. He just had a sex-trafficking ring, and unlike Tom, it was a ring he earned legitimately without cheating. [audience laughs] He is an ice-cold killer. No, that was Aaron Hernandez, Tom’s bestie and favorite target. Look at this, just a couple of goofballs having a laugh. Oh, my God! What? I just realized, it hit me. Tom Brady is just like another famous “not-so-nice guy.” Wait, you mean that notorious team leader who was told he wasn’t any good, but he still pushed through and made sure everyone knew his name? You got it. Hitler! Yeah! [audience laughs] They’re so alike! The only difference is… [audience laughs] They look so cute together. They do. The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stuck with his wife until the end. [audience groans] At least Hitler had the balls to do what we wish Brady would, put a bullet in his head. [audience groans] Stay retired. Tom Brady, you are a terrifying man, and we are so glad you found football before hookers and genocide. Please know, these are all just jokes and we do not wanna die. Yeah. Seriously, dude, you are the best. Thank you for having us. Please don’t kill us. We really wanna live. We have families. Don’t kill us, Tom. Thank you. We love you. [audience cheers] [Hart] Wow. [Kreischer] Thank you. [Hart] Wow. [indistinct chatter] Wow, wow, wow. Guys, we are having an amazing night. On a night like this, you got to go out and check on people, right? How you guys doing, man? It’s the goddamn table full of fighters. Hey. Not you. You’re different. Hey, Dana, you having a good time? I’m not gonna fuck you, Dana. Don’t square up on me. Did you just fucking square up like you about to hit me? Jesus Christ, racism in real time. How you doing, big guy? All right. Just come… Sit down, boss. This is my trainer. This is your moment right here. I’m giving you TV time. Say hello. I’m killing time right now. Do your cool face right now. Nah, that looks stupid. Move. Watch out. You blew it. You fucking blew it. Look at these beautiful women over here. Here’s my wife and her two brothers. That’s Dom and that’s Kyle, her two brother friends. And this is my wife. All right, guys, we’re set. We’re going to keep it going. Oh, my God, what an amazing time that we are about to have. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, with that being said, make some noise for a friend. A funny favorite of mine, Sam Jay. [audience cheers] [hip-hop music plays] [hip-hop music fades] Wow, it is truly amazing to be here, seriously. I’m from Boston. [audience cheers] So I’m absolutely honored. I have to thank Netflix, and also I wanna say congratulations to you, Netflix. You’ve done it again. You’ve made another white man a mediocre star. Bert, you are truly talentless. [audience laughs] You are a disgrace to the legacy of fat, funny superstars. If you were actually talented, you would have overdosed in a hotel room a long time ago. Farley, Belushi, these were great men. They knew how to live. They ate heart-clogging steaks, they fucked prostitutes, they did mountains of cocaine. They went out like fucking rock stars. Bert, you don’t do drugs and you only fuck your wife. You don’t even know how to be… [audience laughs] [Jay laughs] You don’t even know how to be fat and famous right. You’re gonna die from too much Kool-Aid, endless shrimp, and choking on Joe Rogan’s dick. I was worried about AI, but, Bert, you’re proof that a machine can’t write a good script. You’re an example of racism being alive and well, because for a shirtless, fat Black man to make your kind of money, he had to get hit by a Walmart truck. [audience laughs] Drew, it’s so nice to see you here, bro. Honestly, I’m from Boston, so this feels really good, ’cause I grew up hearing your name around my house, you know? They’d be like, “Yeah, Drew Bledsoe sucks. That big-ass white boy can’t run for shit. That nigga got a potato face.” Shit like that. I just want you to know I’m not like that. I’m evolved, you know what I mean? I have empathy. I know it must be hard to be a fucking loser. Seriously, dude, what the fuck are you doing here? This dude has bested you in every way, so we know you hate him. You went first, he went sixth, and he still took your spot and sent you off to Buffalo. He’s been cucking you for years, and yet here you sit. You like that shit, don’t you? You sick fuck. [audience laughs] Tom, do us a favor and fuck this dude’s wife already and get it over with. [audience laughs] The only ring you have is the one Tom won for you. So your Super Bowl ring is just like my strap-on. Just because you wear it, doesn’t make it real. [audience laughs] Drew… honestly, if you put yourself out of your misery tonight, we’d all understand. But I just want you to know, you’d still be the second-best Patriot to do that. [audience laughs] Tom, I’m so honored, dude. But I have to say, for a guy who doesn’t like Black people, you sure do a lot of nigga shit. [audience laughs] You wear all your rings, you love the Migos, you took out an illegal PPP loan… [audience laughs] …and you refuse to raise your kids. I actually think that’s why you left the Patriots. You were too Black for Boston. [audience laughs] I know retirement is hard. I too have retired something. I put down dick years ago. And GOAT to GOAT, I have to say, I’m ready for one last game, and I know you wanna know what it’s like to score one more time. And I just wanna know if my pussy’s still good. And who would be a better judge? But this isn’t sexual. I’m not hard up like Nikki. [audience laughs] This is completely a fact-finding mission. So no Luther Vandross, no candles, just me, cocked open on the table, OB-GYN style, hospital gown, you come in with your UGGs, dick already hard… [audience laughs] Dick already hard ’cause I’m not doing all that. You have on a hospital gown too, but it’s backwards so the dick can stick out. You hut twice, and then you stick it in, bam. One strong stroke, then you pull out slow, we towel down, high five. You could be my final completion, and I can be the first time you look a Black woman in the eyes. [audience laughs] But seriously, Tom, I’m a Patriot fan, I’m a Bostonian… [audience cheers] …and loving you is a scarlet letter that I wear proudly. I appreciate what you did for the city. You truly are the GOAT. And will you please, please, please sign my jersey? [audience cheers] Sam Jay, y’all. Goddamn. [Ferrell] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage a living legend, a world-class lover, and the number-one news anchor in all of San Diego… [audience cheers] …Mr. Ron Burgundy! [dramatic music plays] [dramatic music fades] Hello, everyone. New York City in the house! [audience cheers] Madison Square Garden, oh, MSG! Billy Joel! Residency! Yes! How about those Knickerbockers, huh? Yeah. Probably gonna lose in the second round, but we’re looking good right now. Kevin Hart… my second-favorite comedian next to Earthquake. [audience laughs] God, I love Earthquake. Hello. My name is Ron Burgundy, and, uh… [audience cheers] I am a very big deal, but, uh… tonight is not about me. [woman] Love you, Ron! I love you too. Not about me. We are here to honor a champion of the gridiron, a great American, a father, and a sexy man. A true Patriot until he was not, of course. Uh… [audience laughs] Mr. Tom Brady. [audience cheers] Holy shit, this man is gorgeous. I’ve seen him on TV before, but in person, itchy wah-wah. [audience laughs] Whoa! Look at those cheekbones. That’s a million-watt smile right there, and those eyes. A person could get lost in those eyes. And right now, I am that person. [audience laughs] Ron, pull it together! You’re a straight man. He’s making you question your sexuality. Stop looking at him. You’re here to make fun of him, not fall in love. Concentrate. Here we go. All right. Back to the roast, everyone. I never liked you, Tom. [audience laughs] In all my years of watching professional football, I never saw a more boring quarterback. The master of the six-yard slant. [audience laughs] The screen, the checkdown. Randy Moss, where are you? There’s Randy. I see you over there. All that speed running down the field. Hm? Randy, he was never gonna get you the ring. The checkdown pass was the only option. Sorry. You were just a sexy decoy… to make Tom look good. You were the on-the-field version of Gisele Bündchen. [audience laughs] Is it Gisele or Gisiele? Gisiele, I believe, right? Gisiele. Gisiele Bündchen. From Spain. She’s Spanish, right? Tom, look at me. She’s Spanish, right? Oh, you don’t even know? Okay. [audience laughs] Poor Gisiele. It took her 13 years to learn what we all know. Tom is boring. [audience laughs] Dink, donk, dink, donk. Dink, donk, dink, donk, touchdown. Who cares? [audience laughs] Who cares? The guys on, uh, SportsCenter, some personal friends of mine, used to praise Tom for his quick release. Not women, by the way. Women were not impressed by his quick release. [audience laughs] I’m putting Earthquake to shame, right, Kevin? Yeah. [clears throat] I mean, the last time this guy went truly deep, he ended up paying child support to Bridget Moynahan. [audience laughs] [man whoops] I wrote that myself this morning. [audience laughs] In the airport bathroom, at LaGuardia. [clears throat] It should be obvious now, Tom ruined football for all of us. Uh, watching the Patriots play actually made me look forward to all the fun and laughter of a Bill Belichick post-game interview. [audience laughs] By the way, Bill, wherever you are, I… I hope you know… Hope you know it now. It was Tom. It was never you. [audience cheers] Remember? No, no. Remember that period when people thought it was you? Well, it wasn’t. It was Tom. [audience laughs] I understand, Bill, you’re currently unemployed. Good luck on ZipRecruiter. [audience laughs] A lot of jobs in the health-care field. I hear male nurses are in great demand, and with your bedside manner… no one would rather wake up after gallbladder surgery and look into the loving, kind face of Bill Belichick as he gives you a sponge bath. [audience laughs] No, there’s no reason why we all had to endure 20 seasons of six-yard passes to Gronkowski. Tom was too afraid to hold on to the football because under all that lifeless lumber, handsome as he is… And he is very handsome, my God. [audience cheers] If you were this close to him like I am, you’d know what I’m talking about. I haven’t even mentioned his golden skin. Don’t you shake your head at me and say, “Crazy.” I’ll make life crazy for you, Kemosabe. How it must feel to touch that golden skin… [audience laughs] These are strange feelings, Ron. Focus, focus! You hate the man, remember. Remember, you hate him. Where was I? Oh, yes. Underneath that dead robot of a quarterback… there’s a scared little boy. How do I know this? You don’t see Eli Manning here tonight, do you? No. [audience groans] That’s because he’s afraid of Eli Manning. Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch. He made him his bitch. [audience laughs] Okay, I’d like to hear everyone in the audience say that with me. On the count of three, we’re all gonna say: “Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch.” One, two, three. [all] Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch. That was terrible! Let’s do it again. [audience laughs] Actually, as disjointed as that was, that felt good. Don’t worry, Tom, the nightmare is over. You can just sit back, relax, and talk about football, invest in cryptocurrency scams… and drink your protein shakes. I don’t know if you know this. Tom has a whole line of plant-based nutrition called TB12. Look it up. Yeah. It’s good… I lost 15 pounds from this stuff. Uh, those shakes work. I only had to drink one glass, and for the next two weeks, I was on the can with the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever had. [audience laughs] I recommend the cookies-and-cream shake. There’s nothing like shooting out cookies and cream as you race to the toilet. [audience laughs] Cookies and cream… all over the floor of the LaGuardia Airport bathroom, Stall Number 3. That’s the one I always go to. On that classy note, I’d like to wrap it up. Tom, it’s clear, everybody up here loves you. I… [audience cheers] I love you, although it… It might just be lust. It could be love. We’ll never know. I can’t wait for you to be up there on Fox Sports commentating on the game you loved, or… Or playing for the Raiders in the playoffs. [audience laughs] Or, uh… coaching the Patriots, or whatever the fuck you’re gonna do. I mean, let’s be honest. Your best years are behind you, Tom, the Super Bowls, Gisiele, uh… [audience laughs] …your movie career. It’s all done. It’s all gone. But you won’t be forgotten. You’ll always be remembered as Eli Manning’s bitch. [audience laughs] Don’t let that get you down, Tom. Like I said before, we all love you. In fact, only one man truly hates you, and it is my pleasure to bring him out here, Mr. Bill Belichick. [ominous music plays] [audience cheers] [ominous music fades] [speaking indistinctly] Thank you. Oh… What’s up? Thank you. [audience cheers] What’s up? Uh, Kevin, you think you can get me a cheer like that in Philly? Yeah. I don’t think so. [chuckles] Um, Ron Burgundy. Where’s Ron? [audience cheers] Ron Burgundy, the only member of the media I respect. [audience laughs] Yeah. The fellas invited me up here to lighten up the mood a little bit tonight. [audience laughs] Um, but, seriously, I’m so honored to be here, uh, for the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. Uh, it’s not to be confused… No. It’s not to be confused with the roast of Bill Belichick on the 10-part, uh, Apple TV series. [audience laughs] So… Um, there’s a lot of mean things being said about Tom tonight. I wonder why they invited me. [audience laughs] Really, Tom, why are all these people so hard on you? Do you miss me? [audience laughs] And, uh, you know, Kevin, whenever Kevin talks, I go into a cover 2 defense, cover both ears. [audience laughs] Uh… Some… First time, you know, some of these comedians tonight, uh, Andrew Schulz, Nikki Glaser, Tom Segura… This is the comedy version of the No-Name Defense. [audience laughs] Who are these people? You know, for 49 years I’ve been a football coach, but tonight I’m gonna be a life coach. And, Jeff? Punt. [audience laughs] When I get rid of my two sleeves, it’s from my sweatshirts. When Jeff Ross gets rid of his two sleeves, it’s from a box of cookies. [McGinest] Go ahead, Bill. I got it rolling? All right. [McGinest] Do it, coach. You know, uh, a lot of people, you know, kind of connected me with a saying called, you know: “Do your job,” and telling people to do their job, and Gronk… [audience cheers and applauds] Gronk, I’ve been watching you on Fox NFL Sunday, and I’m begging you, please, stop doing your job. [audience laughs] Do another job. Do somebody else’s job. I love coaching Gronk. He was the best. He was a great teammate, great, great player, Hall of Fame player. Give it up for Gronk, man. [audience cheers and applauds] Gronk’s taking a lot of heat. He’s been roasted the third most between Brady, then me, and Gronk tonight, but, uh… But, sorry, Rob, I gotta keep going. You know, Rob last landed some endorsement deals for some of his favorite foods. You know, Campbell’s Soup, Dunkin’ Donuts, and don’t forget Tide Pods. [audience laughs] [man] Whoo! [inaudible dialogue] Just a true story, 100% true story. I used Rob’s Tide Pod commercial to teach our team that this is when you say no. [audience laughs] Just because somebody asks you to do something stupid, you don’t have to do it. Say no. Uh… That advice was never given by Kevin’s manager. [audience laughs] Uh… A lot of you don’t know, but I really have a big heart. I really do. I rescued… [audience laughs] Seriously. [chuckles] Come on, man. I mean… [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] I rescued a dog from the shelter, and I rescued… And I rescued Randy from the Raiders. [audience laughs] Listen, Randy, I’m really sorry you didn’t get a ring. Not sorry enough to give you one of mine, but I’m still really sorry. You know, it’s great to have all the Patriots here. You know, you guys are all awesome, really. You’ve meant so much, uh… [audience cheers] And Tom’s the greatest of all time. There’s no question about that. That’s why we’re all here. Tom’s fantastic. [audience cheers and applauds] But he played on some great teams, and these great players that played with him, uh, they were great teams. We accomplished a lot, and, uh, yeah, I’m so proud to be here. But you know, Danny Amendola, up here on the stage, came with us, and, uh… [audience cheers] Danny joined us in 2014, got us 200 yards that year. [audience laughs] And then in, uh, 2016, uh, he picked up another 250. [audience cheers and applauds] Or… Or to put it another way, uh, what Randy would call a decent first half. [audience laughs] Matt, I love where you are. Matt Light. Matt Light protected Tom’s blind side, along with Nate Solder. [audience applauding] Two great left tackles. Blocking Dwight Freeney and all those other guys that are in the Hall of Fame. Maybe they’ll get there someday too. But, Matt, I love where you are, far away from the microphone. [audience laughs] In all my years with the Patriots, there’s no player I had to say more often to shut the fuck up than Matt Light. [audience cheers and applauds] You know, Matt came into the league and you know about his struggle with Crohn’s disease, and that certainly explains all the years why he gave me so much shit. [audience laughs] One man that it’s always great to see, Rodney Harrison. Rodney Harrison here. [audience cheers and applauds] One of the greatest players I’ve ever coached. I mean, he’s a great, great football player, great person, great competitor. [audience cheers and applauds] He’s not in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. To me, that might be the biggest joke of the night. Give it up for Rodney. [audience cheers and applauds] Just invite me to your induction. [audience laughs] Uh, believe it or not, I’ve got a lot of nice things to say about Tom, but I’m running out of time here, uh… [audience laughs] Do I have a couple extra minutes? Okay. [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. Uh, we already talked about the cryptocurrency. I’ll stay away from that one. But I see your soccer team, Birmingham City, uh, got knocked down to another tier in the English Football League. So, you know, for those not familiar with English football and the intricacies to their obscure regulation system, just let me say, I’ll put it in English for you, they suck. [audience laughs] Not so easy running a team, is it, Tom? [chuckles] [audience cheers and applauds] All right. All right. So a little coaching advice. Stick to American football. You’re really good at that. [audience laughs] You know, people have said that Tom and I have butted heads a lot, and in a way, that was true, but not really. It was hard to butt heads with Tom because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass. [audience laughs] His ass. You know, Tom, you had so many clutch moments, so many big plays, uh, so many just unbelievable, you know, plays that will live on forever. Uh, I remember the pass that you threw to Amendola uh, when we beat Baltimore in the playoffs in ’14. [audience cheers] No. No, that was Julian that threw that pass to Amendola. [audience laughs] [Julian] Thanks, coach! Uh… There was the pass you threw to Dorsett when we beat the Eagles. Kevin, you remember that one, in 2019. No. No, Julian, you threw that one too. Oh. [audience laughs and applauds] That’s my coach! I’m happy for him. Tom threw a lot of touchdown passes, I can’t remember them, but he threw a bunch of them. [audience laughs] You know, seriously, Tom and I had our differences, but, you know, it only comes to love and respect about our relationship, and we did some special things together. Uh… [audience cheers and applauds] You know, for all of you out there that think about who’s responsible for the Patriots’ success during the time when Tom and I were there… Was it Brady? Was it me? Was it Brady? Was it me? In reality, the truth of the matter is, it was both of us because of me. [audience laughs] Uh… Great event, Netflix. Great night to be here. Thank you very much. Love you. Tom, Patriots, love you guys. Thank you. [inaudible dialogue] Wow. Who would have fucking thought? Who would have thought? Goddamn, coach came up here and set the road straight. I can’t even trash him. I had stuff ready to trash him, but after that, I can’t. I don’t feel comfortable trashing the coach after that. I’m actually gonna say something a little heartfelt. Coach, you should hear this. Uh, I like the fact that you actually had the balls to come out here, and do the fucking roast, and talk shit with Tom, coach. [audience cheers] All right. Just for a quick second before we go and continue the show, to tell you guys why I think it’s so dope. ‘Cause you cut the middle man out. And the middle man is the hypothetical. The middle man is the assumption. Everybody has an assumption about the relationship of. And the dope thing is, ultimately, when you see the relationship support one another and have fun with one another, that’s what the relationship is. What I’m saying is… [audience cheers] What I’m saying to the world is, mind your fucking business. All right? Mind your fucking business. Coach, good shit. Way to come out and be supportive tonight, and back goddamn Tom Brady. Holy shit. [audience cheers] I love it. Goddamn, coach. I had some good ones for you, too. I had… Can I just tell you one of them? I was like… Okay, can I just tell you one? I’m not gonna do them, but I feel like if I’m saying, like, let me tell you one, that’s different. I was going to call you Captain Smiles ’cause I never see you smile. I was like, “Oh, he’s just always angry.” People call him a piece of shit, but I feel like saying “a piece” isn’t fair. ‘Cause he’s a lot of shit, like a bunch of pieces. Like, that was one of them, like just a pile of shit. All right, forget it, coach. I think I’m blowing it. Fuck it. No, coach, don’t do that! Don’t throw a fucking flag on me! Don’t do that. Okay, all right. I’m still on your side. I’m on your side. I’m on your side. Uh, Bill, I gotta be honest. I really was a little touched just at the fact that you came out. I am dead serious right now. That was a very gentleman-like move on your behalf. Tom, you better fucking appreciate that and tell him about it later, all right? Absolutely. God, what a night. What a night! Are you guys having a good time? I am. Are we having a good time? [audience cheers] Yes? At home, I hope you are too, man. The fact that this is a live event on Netflix is insane. The first of its kind. There will not be the last. I think we’re gonna do more because it’s just going so well. Let’s keep the goddamn train rolling. Guys, your next roaster is in love with Tom Brady, and I do mean that. Those aren’t my words. Uh, that’s what he wrote on a mirror in his dressing room. Uh, he might actually pop the question tonight, or he might pop his man-pussy. Please make some noise for Julian Edelman. Come on, Julian. [audience cheers] [hype music plays] [inaudible dialogue] [hype music fades] What a night. What a night. [audience cheers and applauds] There are so many legendary Patriots here tonight. [audience cheers] I figured the next time I’d see you all would be at Kraft’s funeral. Sorry, Mr. Kraft. [audience groans and laughs] Now let’s give it up for our host, Kevin Hart. [audience cheers and applauds] Thank you, Jules. I know everyone’s gonna make short jokes about you tonight, but not me. I’m gonna make Black jokes. [audience laughs] Wha… What? Kevin, you are so Black… that when I saw you, I thought you were Bert Kreischer’s liver. [audience laughs] And Bert Kreischer’s liver is so black, it just did four hours on the Shannon Sharpe podcast. [Julian chuckles] Jeff Ross is here. [audience cheers and applauds] What’s up, Jeff? Fun fact, Jeff and I are both Jewish. [audience cheers] The difference is, I’m the kind of Jew that people look at and go: “Oh, he’s Jewish?” [audience laughs] And Jeff’s the kind of Jew that makes you wanna join Hamas. [audience laughs and groans] [Julian laughs] [White] Let’s go, Julian! Yeah! Gronk’s here. [audience cheers] I don’t really have a joke. I just wanna make sure that he knows. Gronk, you’re gonna kill it, bubs. You’re gonna kill it. I’m so proud of you, bubs. So proud of you. Now, everyone always asks me how big Gronk’s dick is. [audience laughs and applauds] Now, don’t get me wrong, it gets the job done. [audience laughs] But there was this other Patriot’s tight end. Now, he was hung. [audience groans and applauds] Think about it, think about it. [Julian laughs] Coach Belichick’s here. Oh, coach. You barrel-chested son of a bitch. [audience laughs] You remember when you used to yell at us, “Look, assholes. The fucking kids down at Foxborough High can make that fucking play”? [audience laughs] I’ve been waiting for this for so long. [audience laughs] Look, asshole, Foxborough High is the only job offer you fucking had! [audience laughs and applauds] “Do your job”? More like “need a job”, coach. [audience laughs] Now we get to Tom. Look at you, you handsome devil. TB12, Tampa Bay Brady, the GOAT. Or as I like to call him, Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband. [audience laughs] When we played together, Tom, you used to scream: [high-pitched voice] “Laser focus! Laser focus!” [audience laughs] [normal voice] Now that’s what he screams at his plastic surgeon. [audience laughs] Who’s laughing now, Tom? Not you, because your face can’t move and you don’t have a sense of humor. [audience laughs and applauds] Now, when I got to New England, you were already Tom motherfucking Brady. [audience cheers] Three Super Bowls, married to a supermodel. I wanted to be like you so bad, bro, that when your wife left, I thought about getting rid of my beard too. [audience laughs] You’re gay. You’re gay. [stutters] But, hey. But I don’t wanna talk about your wife. He’s actually here. Alex Guerrero, everyone! [audience laughs and applauds] For those of you who don’t know, Alex is the snake oil salesman who transformed Tom into a total fucking weirdo. [audience laughs] Now… He’s weird. He’s fucking weird. I know there’s gonna be a lot of jokes about me being gay for Tom. Well, let me set the record straight. Those balls weren’t gonna deflate themselves. [audience laughs] That TB12 method works. Lots of pineapples in those smoothies. [audience laughs] Sweet cum, sweet cum, if you didn’t know that. [audience laughs] Honestly, the only reason I came here tonight was, will you come on my fucking podcast already, bro? I have Peyton Manning. I’ve had everyone else. I had Eli Manning. No, but Tom, you’re my brother. I owe you everything. You let me into your inner circle, bro, and you showed me what it meant to be a professional. And I’d do anything for you, bubs. I love you. You’re a great sport for doing this. And who are we kidding? This is Tom motherfucking Brady. [audience cheers and applauds] That’s what I’m talking about, Julian! That’s what I’m talking about! Just remember, these are jokes, Tom. These are all jokes. Because you’re my gravy train. I love you, bubs. Let’s go! [audience cheers and applauds] White boy-ing at its finest. [audience laughs] Boy, them white boys love to play with the dick jokes. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what the fuck it is about the cultural separation. Willie, you was in that locker room. How many dick jokes flew your way? [McGinest] I’m in trouble. How many dick jokes flew your way, Willie? I bet not one. I bet you said: “Motherfucker, nigga, I’ll kill you if you say shit like that.” [audience laughs] Julian just made a joke about draining Tom’s balls. [audience laughs] Tom was like, “Yeah!” No! It’s fucking… This is live on Netflix. It’s like, millions of people watching. Two white boys. “Your dick, my dick.” “My balls, your balls.” What the fuck is happening? It’s live television. No, Julian! No! Tom, you’re supposed to tackle that motherfucker right here. The only person to celebrate was Jeff. “I’ll… I’ll… I’ll do it too, if you want me to.” Jeff, Sam Jay said something earlier, and I’ve been thinking about it since. She started talking about her dildo. She was like, “Oh, my God.” Like, “Yeah, what my dildo would look like.” I was like, “I bet her dildo looks like Jeff Ross.” I bet. A little fucking white dick. Sam, if you got a white dick, I’ll never talk to you again, I swear to God. All right, guys, uh… This roast honestly is going so well. It’s going so good, so good… [audience cheers] …not just because of the performances, which have been amazing, but because of our live audience. You guys have been amazing, man. Make some noise for yourselves right now. [audience cheers and applauds] I need to know my live audience is still with me. We can do better than that. Make some goddamn noise! [audience cheers] Yes. All right, next up is the host of the number one live podcast in the world. He’s sitting in the audience because he’s so hated that we made him buy a ticket. Give it up for the host of Kill Tony, Tony Hinchcliffe. Let’s go, Tony. [audience cheers] [hip-hop music plays] [Hinchcliffe] Fuck yeah. [hip-hop music fades] Howdy, y’all. We are here with a special episode of Kill Tony: Kill Tommy. You guys know how it works. I got a bucket here. If I pull someone’s name out, they get 60 seconds, uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. [cat meows] That means they have to wrap it up then. So here we go. And I’ve pulled out… Oh, wow, look. It’s Dana White, everybody. Make some noise for the great Dana White. Sixty seconds, interrupted, for Dana White. The President of the UFC. [audience cheers] Thank you. This is not my thing, so I’m gonna keep this short, like Gronk’s bus. [audience laughs] Actually… Let me get into this real quick. It pisses me off. I flew all the way out here, and you guys give me 60 seconds? My name is Dana. Is that not trans enough for you liberal fucks? [audience laughs] No? All right. Tom, you played for the Patriots for so long, that I was actually starting to feel like you were from Boston. Then I saw you running, I was like, “No, he’s definitely from San Francisco.” [audience laughs] [Dana chuckles] You led the league for 20 years in passing. As a straight guy. [audience laughs] Come on. That was a good one. Hey, I got two of the baddest dudes in the world here right now. Sugar Sean O’Malley, and Max Holloway. [audience cheers and applauds] Tom, you would have been a great fighter. You’re already the master of the ground and pound. That’s what you call “coffee dates” with your boyfriend, Alex Guerrero. [audience laughs] [cat meows] One more thing. You people probably don’t know this, but Jeff Ross was very interested in the UFC. He thought it meant “Unlimited Fried Chicken.” [audience laughs] I love you, Tom. Dana White, ladies and gentlemen. Great job, Dana. A lot of you might not know this, but Dana is the millionaire founder of the UFC, and he’s also a degenerate gambler, so… That’s fucking awesome, Dana. Hey, Tom. This is great. Nice shoes, bitch. Did you win those in the divorce? [audience laughs] [Hinchcliffe laughs] I love it. This is a fucking stellar dais we have up here. Randy Moss, I was upset that Bill Belichick said he wouldn’t give you a ring. You know what else doesn’t have a ring? Bill Belichick’s phone. [audience laughs] Everyone’s up here talking about what a big winner Tom is. But let me tell you, Tom is afraid of the Giants, which is why Kevin Hart is hosting tonight. [audience laughs] It’s true. All night, he’s been using the stool that Aaron Hernandez kicked out from under himself. [audience groans] Yeah. It’s true. Kevin is so small that when his ancestors picked cotton, they called it deadlifting. [audience laughs] So many great quarterbacks up here. You know who doesn’t pass? Kevin Hart on any movie he’s offered. [audience laughs] But we are here for Tom. Tom Brady is a Patriot, which is surprising, considering he looks like a Confederate fag. [audience laughs] Tom Brady, why do you look like a gay Tom Brady? [audience laughs] Clearly, your ex-wife takes after you. I hear she’s out there draining balls right now. People love you, Tom. You have the same fan base as Kyle Rittenhouse. [audience laughs] Gronk, I’m happy you could take a break from writing Santa letters to be here today. [audience laughs] I knew you were here when we were all out of chocolate milk backstage. [audience laughs] By the way, that’s Kevin Hart sitting next to you. That’s not your shadow. [audience laughs] Gronk, you look like the Nazi that kept burning himself on the ovens. You look like the final boss in George Floyd the Video Game. [audience groans and laughs] Ah, the great Jeff Ross, ladies and gentlemen. Jeff is so Jewish, he only watches football for the coin toss. [audience laughs] And of course, throwing long bombs at brown people. [chuckles] Nikki Glaser. What a performance tonight, am I right? [audience cheers] Absolutely killer set. Nikki, who wrote that? Where was that your entire career? [audience laughs] Nikki has such a bad eating disorder, the industry keeps shoving her down our throat. [audience laughs] You might recognize her from her podcast appearances, specials, and winning the Triple Crown at Churchill Downs. You might recognize Kevin as the jockey that rode her. And that’s Churchill Downs the racetrack, not to be confused with what Jeff Ross looks like when he smokes a cigar. [audience laughs] Sam Jay, everybody. Killed. An obese African American lesbian. So by having her, Netflix checked off a lot of boxes. [audience laughs] Yeah. She is a Black lesbo, which means she doesn’t eat pussy, she “aw, hell, gnaws” on it. [audience laughs] Earthquake’s on his feet, I’m killing. You might recognize Sam from this. Her entire Wikipedia could fit into a fortune cookie. [audience laughs] Andrew Schultz, I’m glad you took a break from watching YouTube videos on how to dap-up Black dudes correctly. Schultz’s mom is a professional ballroom dancer, which means she’s a stripper that talks too much. [audience laughs] Bert Kreischer is a king. He looks like if the Tiger King and the Liver King only ate Burger King and had a liver that looked like Martin Luther King got beat up by Rodney King. [audience laughs] [inaudible dialogue] And how about the appearance from the great Ron Burgundy, huh? [audience cheers] A whale’s vagina, which reminds me, Kim Kardashian’s here. [audience groans] She’s had a lot of Black men celebrate in her end zone. [audience laughs] Kim, word of advice: Close your legs. You have more public beef than Kendrick and Drake. [audience laughs] Thank you, guys. Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Netflix. [audience cheers and applauds] [man] Whoo! You… [chuckles] You fucking give it up for To… For Tony. Give it up for Tony. [audience cheers and applauds] [Hart] Oh, God. Oh, my God. Tony, that was good. I felt like we should clap or else you’ll go shoot up a school. He looks like he’s gonna do something crazy. Those fucking pants and that belt, you fucking podcasters. I said don’t let him in here. Tony, I can’t deny great comedy. Goddamn it, that was great fucking comedy. Bit for bit. [audience cheers and applauds] Bit for bit, Tony. I believe in giving flowers. I have nothing bad to say, man. Performance, goddamn. Every box. Whatever you want to say, you check. The… I just have to say this. Sam, fuck him. All right? [audience laughs] The… “Aw, hell, gnaw.” That right there. That right there, like… Sam, I want to come back and, like, get him for us both. But that was really good. [audience laughs] He got us good, Sam. He got the Black culture good with that one. “Aw, hell, gnaw,” that’s… He turned into Tyler Perry in the middle of the show. [audience laughs] Fuck you, Tony. I’ll come back in a couple days, Sam. We’ll get him. Just not now. Let him have this moment. Son of a bitch. That was so good. All right. Fuck that. And fuck you, Tom. All right? All right. Guys, our next NFL roaster holds the NFL record for the most receiving touchdowns by a tight end. Oh, my God. Yes. [audience cheers] Yes, it’s true. And soon, soon he will hold the record for most concussions received from reading a teleprompter. Please welcome Rob Gronkowski. Come on, Rob. [audience cheers and applauds] [hip-hop music plays] [inaudible dialogue] Wow. [hip-hop music fades] Wow, this has been a fucking night. Kevin Hart, first off, I’ve taken shit bigger and blacker than you. [audience laughs] And unlike you, my shits don’t sink when they’re in the water. [audience laughs] Yes, Kevin looks like one of my shits. And Jeff Ross looks like one of my livers in 20 years. Yeah, sit down, bitch. [audience laughs] Jeff is so Jewish, that backstage, when I put my hand up for a high five, he took ten. [audience laughs] Bert Kreischer, Krusher… I don’t know, I can’t fucking read, we all know that. …is here. Bert went to FSU. Fat Shit University. [audience laughs] I love you, Bert, even though you stole my whole drunken gimmick, shirtless fucking thing I used to do back in the day. You’re more like Slob Gronkowski, you fat fucking lard. [audience laughs] Look at all my guys. Rodney Harrison. What’s up, dawg? We got Matt Light. We’re gonna get Matt lit tonight. What’s up, brother? How you doing? And fucking Amendola. What’s up, buddy? [audience cheers] You went into coaching last year, so you’re now known as Amen-Dumbass. [audience laughs] Coach Belichick, nice to see you, sir. [audience laughs] I’m your last Pro Bowl pick on the offensive side of the football, and that was like 2000-fucking-9. [audience laughs] But man, this is like a family reunion. Tom and Julian are like brothers to me, and Drew Bledsoe is the grandfather I assumed would be dead by now. [audience laughs] [mouths] You’re right. Drew got traded to the Buffalo Bills, so he’s played for two of the worst fucking Bills in football. [audience laughs] Oh, fuck, coach, I just noticed that joke is about you. Should I run the hill? [audience laughs] Coach makes us run that hill whenever we fuck up, and I didn’t fuck up there. Randy Moss, so… Randy Moss. Randy Moss. So good to see you, Randy. Randy hails from the great state of West Virginia. Country roads take me home to the place where dating your sister is as common as dating your other sister. [audience laughs] By the way, we’re talking about sisters. What’s up, Tom’s sisters? Yo. [audience laughs] Oh… I just made that up on the spot, too. [audience laughs] [Ross] Get it, Gronk! Go, Gronk! Randy’s nickname was “The Freak.” Edelman’s nickname was “The Squirrel,” because he loved having Tom Brady’s nuts in his mouth. [audience laughs] [mouthing] I suppose. And when Tom left for Tampa, he gave him the whole shaft. [audience laughs] And Julian is gonna change his name to Jillian and move in with Tom. Just two little gay boys prancing around. [audience laughs] Everyone kissed Tom’s ass. Even I did. That’s fine to admit, but Julian, you’re the only one who used tongue. [audience laughs] I saw it in the shower. [audience laughs] Oh, wait a second. Tom, you don’t shower. You must’ve been extra stinky. All right. Tom. All right, yeah. Julian. Tom left you on the Patriots so you couldn’t blow him anymore. We all know that. And Bill, you never gave Tom any action. No hand job, nothing. Fucking… [Belichick blows whistle] [inaudible dialogue] He gave him a hand job! Yeah. All right. Did you give him a hand job, coach? Why’d you blow the whistle? I said you didn’t give him… Take this joke out. All right. Take this joke out. [audience laughs] Scroll back up. I’m saying this joke. [audience laughs] Bill, you never gave Tom action. Well, let me tell you, did he fuck you in the end as hard as he could. Rear-ended you from Tampa Bay. That’s a 1300-mile-long cock Tom has. And let me tell you, Julian sucked that cock all the way from Florida through the Carolinas, all the way up to Massachusetts, spitting on it, lubing it up to even get further penetration up your ass, coach. [audience laughs] Holy fuck. I wrote that joke, by the way. [audience laughs and applauds] Wow. Wow. No wonder why you didn’t want me to say that. You can read like me, coach. Congratulations. But, coach, you used to talk about Foxborough High School when we sucked. But now I know why you were so obsessed with Foxborough High School. You were scouting your new girlfriend. [audience laughs and groans] I mean, coach, my joke wasn’t fucked up, but that’s fucked up. You’re 73 years old. You should be trying to bang someone your own age, like Nikki. [audience laughs] All right, I’ll run that fucking hill again. This time, I’ll just keep running. Oh… And now let’s talk about my designated driver, Tom Brady. [audience cheers and applauds] Even though we played together for 11 years, I feel like I barely know this guy. Tom’s just like the avocados he eats. I think he’s a fruit, but I’m just totally not sure. [audience laughs] Yeah. I didn’t even know you were in Ted 2. I was watching that scene when a tiny, furry bear started jerking you off. At least I think it was Ted 2. It might have just been security cam footage of Julian at your house. [audience laughs] Oh, I like that one. I’m creative. You guys all think I’m a dumb piece of fucking shit, but… [audience laughs] [audience cheers] Well, I really am. I really am. Fucking… I run into people for a living. Obviously I’m fucking dumb. [audience laughs] All right, Tom. You should find some new hobbies, man. Like I did. I had a racehorse called Gronkowski. I didn’t name it Tom Brady because, unlike you, it’s good at running. Oh, and it also knows when it should be taken behind the barn and shot. [audience laughs] Shootout. [imitates gunshots] I’m one of five brothers. Tom doesn’t even know five brothers. [audience laughs] I mean, there are only two-and-a-half of them on this roast. [audience laughs] They don’t count behind us, Kevin, all right? Oh, you’re standing up. You can still suck my dick. [audience laughs] Wow. That would feel good. I never tried it before, but I’ll do it with you. [audience laughs] Just ’cause you’re standing, like, imagine that grip you can give me. Wow. Oh… Oh, man, I’m making shit up as we go. Just like my routes. But we had a connection. He would still find me. “Gronk, why the fuck did you run that way?” Touchdown, motherfuckers. [audience cheers] Good. That’s good. Yeah? Wait… Gronk, you’re supposed to run in. Oh, he’s going deep. Oh, shit, touchdown. [audience laughs] Bill would be like: “Oh, Gronk, he doesn’t know the playbook, but he scored. It’s fine.” [Rob] Oh… But, Tom, I really am psyched tonight that we got you and Bill here tonight. Everyone thinks you guys hate each other. But I saw firsthand, you two are exactly alike. You’re both hardasses that hate fun. [audience laughs] You both live and breathe football. Neither of you are married anymore. You’re both even divorced from football, and both of you take full credit for the dynasty. And worst of all, I’ve never had a fucking drink with either of you. Yeah. Now, hold it, hold it, hold it. No, don’t drink. [Hart] He said don’t drink! I got something for you later. [Hart] Listen, Tom! Man. You don’t fucking listen, Tom. He said don’t drink. Yeah. [Hart] Go ahead, Rob. I got you. Well, tonight, we’re doing a fucking shot, baby. And… Yes. [audience cheers] And that’s why you gotta listen. Okay. That’s why Coach Belichick got rid of your ass. [Hart] Holy shit. [audience laughs] Holy shit. Oh, man. Oh… Oh, shit. [Hart] Sound it out, Rob. Sound it out. All right. [audience laughs] Where am I? Where am I? [Ross] Shot! Shot! Shot! [Hart] You got it. Oh, yeah. We’re doing a shot. And don’t worry, it doesn’t have any strawberries in it, Tom. Nightshades, inflammation, whatever the fuck you’re talking about. And it was approved by your mom and Bill’s boss, Alex Guerrero. [audience laughs] [Hart] Shots! Come on, Rob. No, Rob, not that. The shot, not that. Put that back. There you go. Rob, get the fuck… Help him, Jeff. Goddamn it. I said don’t leave him up here by himself. Get the glasses. There you go. Good job, Rob. Good job. I love you, Bill. I love you, Tom. Hold on. Give him a shot. Coach, take the shot. There you go. Come on. Hey. Building bridges! [audience cheers] [Edelman] Touchdown! [Gronk] Love you, guys. [audience cheer and applauds] [Belichick] That was tremendous. Thank you, coach. Um… We’re live, so there’s no way to hide the fact that Gronk might be on a little more than alcohol. [audience laughs] Uh… Yeah, no, it’s okay. Yeah, yeah, no, Gronk, we’ll get it. Yeah, no, we’ll clean it up, Gronk. Yeah, just sit down when you get a chance, Gronk. Jesus Christ. Just lay down. Just lay down. I’m gonna say what everybody else is saying. And I don’t know if I can get canceled for saying what I wanna say. No, go back. Go back to the top. I’m gonna get to that. This is just my truth. Um… Gronk scares me. He scares me. [audience laughs] Gronk is the… He’s the unsafe drunk white guy. I want… This is a moment for white guys to understand how Black guys feel. I looked at Randy when Gronk was saying a lot of shit, and Randy had a look that said, “I’m going home.” Like… Gronk is the guy that does shit that we all know ends up in a fucking bad situation. Goddamn it, Tom. You need to get him on a fucking leash. I wish y’all could’ve seen the words that we had to sound out and elongate on the fucking prompter. There was so many Es. We had a lot of Es on one word. Gronk got stuck. He was like… [audience laughs] I had to help him. Sound it out, Gronk. Fuck. Keep it going. Jesus Christ. You know, Gronk… They had this concussion protocol, right? Here’s the protocol for Gronk. If you hit him in the head, the only way to get him out of it, you got to hit him again. Gronk is the only player that can take two hits. Fucking Gronk. Jesus Christ. This whole live almost went to shit. Here’s a good thing. Uh, Gronk says that he’s returning, right? He’s not returning to NFL football ’cause he’s lost, like… He doesn’t have the itch for the game, and that’s understandable. Uh, but the women you slept with do. They’ve all claimed it, Gronk. They’re itching. You fucked them good. A lot of fucking going on in the Patriots organization, by the way. Jesus Christ. By the way, Bill loved that. Look at Bill. He… [audience laughs] Jesus, Captain Smiles is laughing hard at the fact that you’re giving out herpes. Jesus Christ, Bill. What type of dark humor have you been blessed with? [audience laughs] “Yeah, fuck all of them, Kevin. I don’t have a job.” All right. I get it, Bill. Fuck you, Tom. All right, guys, listen. Your next roaster just sold out Madison Square Garden. I want to fucking exclamate that. My guy sold out Madison Square Garden. And it was a dream of his, and he fucking made it happen. And that’s pretty good for a guy who looks like he works at Olive Garden. Please show some love to Andrew fucking Schulz. Let’s go. [audience cheers] [hip-hop music plays] [hip-hop music fades] Hello, Forum. Make some noise! [audience cheers] All right. Give it up for Kevin Hart. First of all, hosting this thing. Absolutely amazing. Hardest working man in Hollywood. Give it up for Kev. [audience applauds] Kev is the hardest-working man in Hollywood outside of the PR guy from Nickelodeon. Uh… [audience laughs] Kevin Hart, or as he’s known in the industry, the Rock’s bottom. [audience laughs] Kevin is best friends with the Rock. Uh, his dad was also best friends with the Rock. Crack. Uh… [audience laughs] We could smell what he was cooking. Crack. [audience laughs] Kevin’s a superstar. Only thing you can make fun of him is for being short, but there’s advantages to being short. Kevin is the only Black guy you can still call three-fifths a person, which is awesome… [audience laughs] …’cause that’s what his wife took in the divorce. Guys. [audience laughs] What a dais we have here, ladies and gentlemen. Look at this. This stage has seen more head trauma than a Kennedy on the campaign trail. [audience laughs] Speaking of brainless Patriots, Tom, all your boys showed up for you. [Tom] They did. Gronk, you hunky retard. Look at you. [audience laughs] Gronk, you look like your mom fucked a monster. Energy drink. [audience laughs] I’m surprised you didn’t start your set with, “Hey, you guys.” [audience laughs] Despite coming across as a mush-brained mongoloid, Gronk actually has a New York Times bestselling book. He is the first author in history to have a ghost writer and ghost reader. It is… No, it’s amazing. He can’t read. He’s still trying to figure out what three-fifths is. [audience laughs] Three-fifths is how much of Nikki’s hand goes down her throat after a meal. [audience laughs] Whatever you’re doing, Nikki, it’s working. Keep it up. Julian Edelman is here! [audience cheers] I didn’t even know that Julian was Jewish until I saw him return a kickoff for a refund. That… [audience laughs] [inaudible dialogue] Julian is notorious for having sex with, like, every Jewish model on the planet. Both of them. Uh… [audience laughs] I’m joking. There’s plenty of Jewish models out there, or as they call them in L.A., Leo’s Bagel Holes. [audience laughs] Dana’s here! Dana White, the greatest promoter in history! Make some noise for Dana. [audience cheers] Dana has put more immigrants in cages than U.S. border policies. [audience laughs] Dana is a skinhead genius. He found a way for minorities to beat each other up. [audience laughs] Respect to Dana, though. He’s a self-made man. Before the UFC, he left Boston with absolutely nothing. And that’s something, Randy, you can completely relate to. Shout out to Randy, coming out dressed like Bagger Vance. [audience laughs] Someone get him out of the sand trap. I mean, Nikki’s pussy. Sorry. [audience laughs] Randy is the greatest wide receiver of all time. He’s also a civil rights hero. A lot of people don’t know this. Randy got expelled from his high school for fighting with racists, but that did not stop him. He fought racists his entire career, and that’s why he refused to win a championship for Boston. So give it up for him. You won in the long run. You beat them, okay? [audience applauds] Randy made sure, on Super Bowl Sunday in Boston, the only people celebrating a happy ending were the priests. [audience groans] Jeff Ross is here. Roast royalty. Jeff, you remind me of the patient from the game Operation. [audience laughs] ‘Cause every time kids touch you, you light up. [audience laughs] There’s none back there, Jeff. Just sit down. [audience laughs] It’s amazing Jeff Ross is even here, actually. He’s recovering from a horrible ACL injury. ACL is the only injury Gronk can spell. Uh… And speaking of things that make men limp, Nikki Glaser is here. Give it up for Nikki! [audience cheers and applauds] A lot of people were wondering why Nikki was even on this dais, which is sexist fucking bullshit. She’s absolutely hilarious. Give it up for her. She’s absolutely hilarious. [audience cheers and applauds]] Killed it. Killed it. A lot of you don’t know. Nikki has deep ties to football. Not only is her face made out of pig skin, but every guy she dates bends her over and takes a hike. So she deserves to be here. [audience laughs] Okay? People talk about Nikki’s appearance, but I think we all know what matters is what’s on the inside. What’s on the inside is what counts. Sure, on the outside, she looks like Tiffany Trump, but on the inside, she’s Barron. [audience laughs] Speaking of people that can no longer deliver, let’s talk about Tom motherfucking Brady. [audience cheers and applauds] The man in the arena, the GOAT. Uh, Tom, I know Bill Belichick showed up late, but don’t worry, he has someone secretly recording this so he can watch the whole thing later, okay? [audience laughs] Bill has secretly filmed more guys playing for the other team than Diddy. Uh… [audience laughs] That’s your boy, Kev. A lot of tight ends turned wide receivers, if you know what I mean. [audience laughs] Tom said that the reason he loves football is ’cause it allows him to be his most true, authentic version of himself. Hiding behind a mask, throwing things at Black people. Uh… [audience laughs] I’m kidding. He never threw to the Black guys. Uh… [audience laughs] Gronkowski, Edelman, Welker. That’s not a receiving corps, that’s a law firm. [audience laughs] And with that divorce coming up, you’re gonna fucking need them. [audience laughs] Oh, that’s why Dana’s here, so you can learn how to fuck a Brazilian out of half their purse. [audience laughs and applauds] Tom, you became the GOAT by being the fiercest competitor on the planet. Tom was once asked which one of his rings was his favorite, and he said: “The next one.” Sorry, that’s a Gisele quote. Uh, my bad. Uh, guys… [audience laughs] Yeah, that was Gisele. That was Gisele, for sure. Tom, you all remind us… Or, sorry, you remind us that no matter how big you get, how successful you are, how much you accomplish in your life, you can always end up a twice-divorced supplement salesman in Tampa, Florida. [audience laughs] And for that, we all thank you. You are the GOAT. Thank you so much for even doing this. [audience cheers and applauds] [inaudible dialogue] [Hart] Goddamn it. Andrew Schulz. Worth the goddamn hype, man. You’re hearing his name a lot more and more, and it’s deserved. It was great. I gotta be honest, it was great. Guys, don’t go down. Fucking show him the love. It was great. [audience cheers and applauds] [Ross] Hey, hey, how about a hand for this fucking guy? Kevin Hart. [Hart] Oh, shit. Thank you, Jeff. [Ross] Amazing show tonight. Amazing host tonight. Amazing host, Kevin Hart. Amazing. I appreciate you. [audience applauds] Amazing. Oh, thank you, guys. I appreciate you. We are having a good time. Hey, my question is, if Andrew is here, then who’s fixing the dog race? Because they look like Andrew. Just wait a second. Andrew Schulz is looking so peculiar. It’s like, you just can’t put your fucking eyes on it. What is it? I cracked the code. Andrew looks like a pedophile from the ’30s. Like the 1930s, the guys with the weird… [audience laughs] Or, Andrew Schulz looks like a silent film porn star. No noises, all faces and mustaches. That’s it. [audience laughs] Andrew Schulz is… Andrew Schulz, here’s what it is. Andrew Schulz’s dad, I’m willing to bet, has a pizzeria, but one of those pizzerias with no pictures of Black celebrities. It’s just weird, and you can’t ask questions. Andrew looks like… You know what it is? Okay. Andrew, you look like you were in Guys and Dolls, but you also look like you fucked them. I got to be honest with you, Andrew. Looks like you do weird shit. [audience laughs] Not just because of the mustache, just because of your face. Uh, Andrew is proof that once you start pretending to be Black, you will never go back. He has been here for the entirety. Andrew, they didn’t like that. I thought that was good. They don’t know the fucking, like, 50 Cent history. Yeah. No, they don’t get it, Andrew. I thought that one was gonna hit. Like the Black shit you just did, the concert, 50 came out. All right, I’ll explain it to you later, I guess. You understand what Andrew Schulz is. He’s a great guy, the culture loves him. All right, I’m done explaining it. Fuck you, Tom Brady. All right. Uh… Guys, listen, we are honored. We are honored to have a living legend in the building tonight, and I do mean honored. Listen, I want you to make some Patriot noise, some good noise, good noise, for our Patriot owner, Robert Kraft. Please. [audience cheers and applauds] [energetic music plays] [energetic music fades] Tommy, thanks for having me here at this unique experience. I thought I’d seen it all, but this is special. And you know the Patriots are more than a football team for me. They are family. And guys, it’s good… So good to see all of you here again. Thank you so much for everything you did for us. [audience cheers and applauds] And you know, like many family reunions, there’s some people I’m desperately trying to avoid. [audience laughs] Coach Belichick, good to see you. You really look debonair in sleeves. [audience laughs] Tonight has really been funny, but Julian, let’s be honest and realistic. I’m not inviting you to my funeral. [audience laughs] Tom, good luck buying the Raiders. They did your favorite thing for you already. They got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo. [audience laughs and applauds] But in all seriousness… Tommy and I… This is very meaningful to me because I remember him coming down the stairs at the old Foxboro Stadium 24 years ago. [audience cheers] It was built for $6 million. It was not fancy like this place here. But the first thing, he came down with a pizza box under his arm and said, “You know, I’m Tom Brady.” I said, “I know who you are. You’re our sixth-round draft choice. Number 199.” He looked me straight in the eye and he said: “Yes, and I’m the best decision this organization has ever made.” [audience cheers and applauds] So nothing could be truer. I want to raise this drink to you and say you will always be special to my family. And I love you, Tommy. [audience cheers and applauds] And one more thing. In case, Vladimir Putin, you’re watching, give me my fucking ring back, will you? [audience cheers and applauds] Wow. Robert Kraft bringing the heat. [audience cheers] He wrote that, all of that himself. He wouldn’t let us give him anything. That’s all him. That’s right, Vladimir. Give him the fucking ring. [audience laughs] I got you. Yeah, no, Robert, I got you. You already know. I fucking got you. No trashing Robert Kraft tonight. Not on my watch. Not on my watch. Not on my watch. [audience applauds] But Robert, I do have some questions. [audience laughs] I just… It’s nothing. It’s just a question. You and Bill… [chuckles] You and Bill are so far apart from each other. I just feel like… Why don’t you take a shot together, man? Yeah. [audience cheers] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Robert wants to do it. Bill? Let’s make the uncomfortable uncomfortable, right? Pour Bill a shot. No, no. No. Gronk, Gronk, that little black cup right there. The Gran Coramino cup. Pour some of that in his cup. Pour it in Bill’s cup. In Bill’s… Goddamnit, Gronk. Fuck! Gronk! [as Gronk] Pour the Gran Coramino in his cup and have him take a shot. [Kraft] I love it. [Hart] Okay. [in normal voice] Robert’s here. Wait, Bill… Don’t move. Bill. Bill. This is a big moment, Bill. [audience cheers and applauds] I want to say, this is the greatest coach in the history of the game that did what no one else has done. And having Tom Brady and him was the greatest honor the good Lord gave me. So, cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Let’s go. Drink it. A Black man made that happen. [audience cheers] That’s right. That’s right. A Black man from North Philadelphia took the racism out of Boston. Ended a beef. This was a beef. By the way this beef is bigger than Drake and Kendrick. It’s that big. Holy shit. I can’t believe they actually did it. Good shit, Bill. Robert, good shit. By the way, remind Robert where he is. He may not remember in a second. So when he gets to that seat, tell him what he did. ‘Cause that’s my friend. He needs to know. I love you. [laughs] I love you, Rob. All right, guys, listen, we have a very special guest here tonight, right? This guest is a great friend of mine. Uh, one of the most famous guys from Boston. Seriously. One of the most. I would say there is only about two or three, but this guy here in my opinion is the one. Please show some love to Ben Affleck. [audience cheers] [rock music plays] Thank you. [rock music fades] Wow. Got here just in time, I see. [clears throat] I, uh… Tom, I gotta say… [audience cheers] How are you doing? How are you? [audience cheers] This is pretty fucking ballsy of you. Is life too fucking good? You’re like, “You know what, I’d like someone to kick my ass for three hours.” Uh, is this…? I gotta tell you, this settles it. You won’t find me volunteering for the Ben Affleck Roast. [audience laughs] Or as I like to call it, Thursday. Anyway… Hi. You may know me as an extra from Tom’s Dunkin’ boy band Super Bowl commercial. [audience cheers] In fact, it was during that shoot that Tom asked me to look at his social media accounts for him. I guess for some reason he thinks I get a lot of online criticism. I do. But I took a look at it. And I gotta tell you, I didn’t even last two fucking hours. It was the most toxic thing I have ever experienced. And that’s saying something. [clears throat] For instance, here is one line, uh, that I remember from Tall Boy Henry Bill… There’s a lot of L’s in it, okay? “Brady was just assistant quarterback with no arm strength. He’s a whiny pussy with a lot of protection from the refs. He sucks. Fuck you. Fuck you, Tom Brady.” [audience laughs] Thanks, Tall Boy Henry. Uh… You guys out there, talking shit, all right, behind your fucking keyboard. That doesn’t make you a fan. That makes you a bitch. [audience cheers and applauds] Look, Tom started his career as arguably the slowest, least physically impressive non-kicker ever to put on an NFL uniform, including massage therapists. I mean… Look at the fucking guy. You know what I mean? He went to the Pro Bowl. He started his career with the physique of a professional bowler with a smaller right arm. [audience laughs] Overcame all that to become the GOAT. Tall Boy Henry, you didn’t overcome… You can’t overcome a modest fucking flight of stairs without your rescue inhaler. Fuck you, Tall Boy Henry. You suck. A bunch of football experts… [Hart] Get them. Thank you, Kevin. I appreciate it. A bunch of football experts living on their aunt’s couch, saying like, “Oh, Tom, you should have thrown to the slant receiver against the Dolphins.” Or “Tom, you should have seen the fucking quarterback when you threw that pick six in the Super Bowl against Atlanta.” Actually, you should have. That was terrible. You should have… There was no excuse for that. [clears throat] Maybe, yeah, just, you know… No, I don’t even know what to say. But look, essentially, fans… I get it, right? They pay the salaries. But could you imagine, just try to think of a less rewarding, more agonizing professional experience than effectively working for somebody, you go out and fucking kill it, succeed every day to the degree, that fucking level, and you gotta go online and read that shit. I can’t think of a more fucked up, dysfunctional, horrible working system designed to perpetually make people feel awful. You know what I mean? You… What… Even the boss is always that fucking much of a miserable prick, and you can’t do anything right… [audience cheers] I didn’t know… I didn’t know you were gonna be here, Bill. I actually… I actually can think of one. [clears throat] [audience laughs] I want to ask you a question, okay? Don’t… It’s not about Malcolm Butler. There’s no answer to that question. It’s just… [clears throat] I get it. I know, I watched the press conferences, you know. You’re not a talker, no chitchat. [as Belichick] No comment, moving on to Cincinnati. [audience laughs] I don’t know how you get away with that, honestly. Like, in my business, even if you make Justice League, you don’t think I want to fucking move on to Cincinnati? [audience laughs] Anyway, I just, uh… I just have this question, and I guess, you know, I think I’d like to get an answer. It’s pretty simple, you know, we’re not gonna move on. I just… I got nowhere to go, you know? I just want to know, like… What the fuck does a guy have to do to make Bill Belichick happy? Like, fucking cure… How about just to see some teeth? Like, you gotta cure cancer? And they’re watching the Super Bowl, Tom throws a touchdown pass. You guys win again, and Bill is looking at him like, you know, fucking Tom shit in his cereal. [audience laughs] That was the look on your face. Do you know what the look on my face would be if I was a football coach and Tom Brady was my quarterback? Thank you very much. [audience cheers and applauds] Another piece of white boy humor. [audience laughs] [Ross] This is the first time I ever wished Netflix had commercials. Oh. Jesus. All right. Guys, we are fucking rearing the end of the show. And by the way, at the end, it just gets better because this is a moment that we’ve all been waiting for. It’s the main event. By the main event, I do mean main event. So do me a favor. Get on your feet for the moment that we’ve all been waiting for. The man of the hour. That’s right, the fucking legend. And when we talk about goddamn legends, I’m talking about Peyton Manning! [audience cheers and applauds] [rave music plays] [rave music fades] Thank you very much. Thank you very much. [audience cheers] Thank you, Kevin. When Kevin reached out to me about roasting Tom, he told me he wanted me to be a surprise at the end of the night. And he also told me how desperate Netflix was for downloads. They said, “Peyton, you gotta help us out.” Aaron Rodgers can’t make it anymore. No one really knows who Julian Edelman is. [audience laughs] And Gronkowski probably can’t read a teleprompter. [audience laughs] How great is Rob Gronkowski? When I think of Gronk… [audience cheers and applauds] When I think of Gronk, I really think of firsts. He is the first tight end to lead the NFL in receiving touchdowns. He’s going to be a first-ballot Hall of Famer. [audience cheers and applauds] And by the looks of him, his parents were first cousins. [audience laughs] It is great to see the greatest coach in NFL history, Coach Bill Belichick here. [audience cheers and applauds] For those that don’t know, coach is gonna be doing some work on Eli and my Monday Night Football show this year. I gotta tell you, it’s gonna be awesome. Eli and I are super excited. And it’s gonna give Coach Belichick something he hasn’t had in a while. The chance to be around quarterbacks that he respects. [audience laughs] Honestly, it is great to be with a bunch of people sitting around, talking smack about Tom Brady, or as we call that in the Manning family, Thanksgiving. [audience laughs and applauds] True story, after spending several Thanksgivings with my parents, my kids now excuse themselves to use the bathroom by saying “I have to go take a Brady.” [audience laughs] In all seriousness, let me tell you about Tom Brady the man. Tom is making a donation to every one of his former teammates’ charities that came here tonight. I gotta tell you, Tom, that is first class. [audience cheers and applauds] Hey, fellas, don’t let him pay you in crypto. [audience laughs] Tom, even though we were bitter rivals, we’ve become really good friends. And I appreciate our friendship. Although Tom and I are still very different. Like my idea of a fun Saturday night is going to a local bar with my friends, shooting a little pool. While Tom’s idea of a fun Saturday night is going to the Met Gala dressed as the most fabulous general on the Death Star. [audience laughs] My idea of dinner is Applebee’s. Tom’s idea of dinner is eating apples and bees. [audience laughs] Of course, we all know Tom has five more Super Bowl rings than I do. He also has more touchdowns. He also has more touchdowns than I do, more passing yards, more retirements… [audience laughs] …more fake hair. [audience laughs] More TB12 bankruptcies. That is all true, okay. But I remember once that Tom told me, “Peyton, numbers don’t matter.” Sure, it was right before he deleted every number in his phone because NFL investigators were about to kick down his door. [audience laughs] But it was still nice of him to say. One thing that Tom and I definitely have in common, though, is our love of the game of golf. And listen, not to brag, we’re both pretty good players. My handicap is a 6.4, while Tom’s handicap is blowing leads in the Super Bowl to my brother, Eli. [audience laughs] But look, I want nothing but the best for my friend, Tom Brady. Now that we’re both in broadcasting, some people think it’s a rivalry again, that I want to see Tom fail. That I want to see him embarrass himself and get fired. That is absolutely ridiculous. It’s Coach Belichick who wants that. [audience laughs] Ladies and gentlemen, it is almost time for the guest of honor to defend himself. The last time… [audience cheers] The last time Tom Brady had to wait this long to get on stage, it was the 2000 NFL draft. [audience laughs] He is a three-time Super Bowl loser. Please welcome, Tom Brady! ♪ Allow me to reintroduce myself ♪ ♪ My name is Hov, H to the O-V ♪ ♪ I used to move snowflakes by the O-Z ♪ ♪ I guess even back then you can call me ♪ ♪ CEO of the R-O-C, Hov ♪ ♪ Fresh out the frying pan into the fire ♪ ♪ I be the music biz number one supplier ♪ ♪ Flier than a piece of paper Bearing my name ♪ ♪ Got the hottest chick in the game Wearing my chain, that’s right ♪ ♪ Hov, not DOC ♪ [audience cheering] Thank you. [audience cheering] [chanting] Brady! Brady! Brady! Brady! Oh, thank you. Brady! Brady! Brady! Thank you. Brady! Brady! I’ve had a lot of tequila. I’ve been up here for two hours listening to a bunch of shitty jokes. [audience laughs] Where the fuck did Peyton just walk off the stage? [audience laughs] Peyton, thank you so much for coming out to L.A. to do this. I know sometimes you live in Denver and sometimes you live in Louisiana, but you’ll always live in my shadow. [audience laughs and applauds] When I heard there was a slow white Bronco heading down the 405 to come here tonight, I thought we might actually see a real football legend. [audience laughs] Peyton and I, we go way back. When we started playing, Brett Favre was still faxing his dick pics. [audience laughs] And Antonio Cromartie only had one kid. [audience laughs] Well, folks, here we are once again, a packed arena, five minutes on the clock. Everything on the line. [audience cheers and applauds] We need a hero. Someone to come from behind and pull this clusterfuck out of the toilet. What the fuck did you guys do here tonight? Looks like it’s time for Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr… [audience cheers and applauds] …to step up and lead us to glory. Because you and I know and everyone in this dump knows he can do it. Yep, the word “hero” comes to mind. [audience laughs] But I struggle with that word. Because like the rest of America, I’ll always remember where I was that fateful day in September of 2001, when tragically, those two jets slammed into Drew Bledsoe. [audience groans and applauds] Jeff Ross, I want to thank you for talking me into doing this. Another thing that I’m great at. Who knew? [audience cheers] Oh, yeah. I did. [audience laughs] Because I’m about to replace you as the greatest roaster of all time. [audience cheers and applauds] So hit the bench, Jeff. Tonight you’re Jew Bledsoe. [audience laughs] People ask, “Tom, why would you do this roast now?” It’s simple. I can take all the hits. I would have done this earlier, but I’ve just been too busy winning championships. [audience cheers and applauds] Which explains why Peyton did this roast eight years ago. [audience groans] So let’s fucking go! [audience cheers and applauds] I’ve heard some people talk about me having bad knees. You know why my knees are so fucked up, Kevin? Because I spent so many goddamn hours on the floor begging Netflix to get Chappelle to host this. [audience laughs] Yeah. Fuck you, Kevin. [audience cheers and applauds] Sit your ass down. Let’s go. Professor Gronkowski. My boy. Thank you for being here. Despite everything we’ve seen here tonight, Gronk was actually useful on the field, although the bar for Patriot tight ends was pretty low back then. Block, catch, don’t murder. [audience laughs] Thanks to me, [inaudible dialogue] Gronk was so beloved there’s a baby rhino in the Tampa Zoo named after him. And Gronk, I’m here to say you are not the father. [audience laughs] You can stop sending those checks. [audience laughs] Oh, I fucked that rhino. When you’re Tom Brady, you’re not only feared, you’re envied. People want to be you. Right, Julian? [audience laughs] Bro, you can live in my guest house, swim in my pool, try on my fucking jock, or any other sick shit you do when I’m not around. But you’re a fucking stalker, bro. You’ll never be me, ever. Ever. No, you can date a model or four, steal my cologne, actively lobby to get Peyton Manning removed from the Hall of Fame… [audience laughs] …but you’ll never be me. [audience cheers] [Hart] True. By the way, I want to set the record straight. Certain haters, you’ve been up here talking shit about me not having any Black receivers. I never noticed. White players, Black players… [audience laughs] Even if I take their job while lying in a fucking hospital bed coughing up blood, they all get rings when they play with Tom Brady, right, Drew? [audience cheers and applauds] Unless you’re Randy Moss. [audience laughs] Can you believe that guy up here begging me: “T-boy, give me one of your rings.” Give you a ring? Bitch, please, you’ll be lucky if I sent you a text. [audience laughs] I’m not sitting on some plank trying to hook me a catfish. I’m Tom Brady. I got shit to do. Where’d Ben Affleck go? Look at Ben Affleck. He’s a huge movie star. Jersey Girl, Phantom, Batman… [laughs] [audience laughs] And he’s here defending me? And when has Ben Affleck ever made a bad decision? [audience laughs] Glaser, Schulz, Hinchcliffe, two racist bears. Who picked this shitty lineup? The New York Jets front office? [audience laughs] Nice fucking haircut. But I’m not gonna say shit about Sam Jay because she looks like that fucking dude who shredded my ACL. [audience laughs] I don’t care if you’re from Boston. [audience laughs] Kim Kardashian, thank you so much for being here. [audience cheers] I know Kim was terrified to be here tonight. Not because of this, but because her kids are at home with their dad. [audience laughs] [audience cheers]] We got so many great football greats here tonight. But where’s Roger Goodell? [audience boos] I know. Remember Deflategate? The NFL spent $20 million and found it was more “probable” than not that I was “generally” aware that someone may have deflated my footballs. You could have just given me the $20 million, and I would have just told you I fucking did it. [audience laughs] That’s the way it goes. You know what I’m saying, boys? You know what I’m saying? But I don’t want to get the NFL too upset. I’m trying to buy a piece of the Raiders. I’m tired of owning just the Colts and the Bills. [audience laughs] Buffalo fans call themselves the Bills Mafia? How are you the fucking mafia? At least the mafia has a ring you can kiss. [audience laughs] And while we’re at it, screw Colts fans. Colts are just Broncos who don’t fuck. [audience laughs] Kansas City, you say your stadium is the loudest? It helps when all your fans are 14-year-old girls. [audience laughs] And in honor of Tay Tay, let’s take a look at the Chiefs’ eras. Terrible for 50 years, good for five. Shake it off. [audience cheers and applauds] Philly fans are just racist assholes. But Kevin Hart is from there, so I get it. [audience laughs] Yeah, fuck you, Kevin. [audience laughs] In Philly, they have to grease up the light poles, so people don’t climb them after games. You know how they grease up those poles? They rub someone from Philadelphia on them. [audience laughs] And Giants fans… fuck Eli and fuck you, twice. [audience laughs] And now for the real reason you’re all here, Coach Bill Belichick. [audience cheers] Everybody asks me which ring is my favorite. I used to say “the next one.” But now that I’m retired, my favorite ring is the camera that caught Coach Belichick slinking out of that poor girl’s house at 6 a.m. a few months ago. [audience laughs] Hey, you still got it. [audience laughs and applauds] Respect, baby. [inaudible dialogue] You know, we’ve been through so much. And after two decades, I finally had to admit that all along, it was you. You’re the reason for the Patriots’ dynasty because you, Bill Belichick, you are a true coaching genius. I mean, you had to choose between an aging injured, overpaid Drew Bledsoe, and a young healthy, minimum-wage superstar. I could have got a fucking coach from Foxborough fucking High School to make that decision. Run it again, Belichick. [audience laughs] I’ve been out of the game for a minute, so I’m curious. How many Super Bowl rings have you won since I left? [audience groans] Maybe it’s not just the guy on the sideline. When I go to the Indy 500, I don’t ask the winning driver: “Hey, who gassed up your car?” [audience laughs] There have been a lot of jokes tonight, but the truth is I miss the love of my life… football. [audience cheers and applauds] So to my fans, it’s been an honor to be your guy that you can count on to get the team down the field and somehow pull off a last-minute miracle victory. What’s called in football “a Tom Brady.” [audience cheers] And to all the rest of you who have been talking shit about me for 20 fucking years, I got one thing to say. Lose my number. Fuck them all, baby! [audience cheers and applauds] Get on your fucking feet one time for the GOAT himself, Tom Brady. Now, Tom, one second. Before we end the night in amazing cheers, one second. One quick second. All right, Tom, this is a me thing. I was like, all right, if I’m gonna do it, well, Tom has to leave with something impactful to match the energy of the success that he’s had along the years. So Tom, what we decided to do was add another ring. Goddamnit, Tom, you deserve another fucking ring. But a ring fitted for a GOAT like yourself. Put it on. Oh, I love that. That’s right, put it fucking on. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s Tom fucking Brady. And this is a live event on Netflix. And you are a live crowd in the Forum. And we have a dais full of fucking hits. Thank you all for watching! Thank you all for supporting. More importantly, thank you for laughing. I love you guys so much. Good night. ♪ Another one gone Another one bites the dust ♪ [audience cheers and applauds] ♪ Another one bites the dust ♪ ♪ Shoot out ♪ [inaudible dialogue] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kathleen-madigan-bothering-jesus-transcript/ | Kathleen Madigan: Bothering Jesus (2016) – Transcript | kathleen madigan | [chattering] [man] Whoo! [chattering] [woman] ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Madigan ♪ ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Madigan ♪ ♪ She’s coming on the stage now ♪ [audience laughs] ♪ She’s gonna be here shortly ♪ ♪ She even put some pants on ♪ ♪ At least I think she might have ♪ ♪ ’Cause she’s professional ♪ ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Madigan ♪ [male announcer] She is wearing pants. She is a professional. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage Kathleen Madigan. [cheering] Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Wow. And– Another hand for the most overqualified opening act, Mr. Lewis Black. [cheering] And another hand for Jann Arden, who couldn’t be here to sing that in real life but was nice enough to send that to me in the computer. And a big hand for you people that are borderline alcoholics. You’ve made it out tonight. [cheering] You’ve– [cheering continues] I do feel a kinship. This is a beer town. I’m from a beer town. I’m actually from St. Louis, Missouri. [cheering] Thank you. You like that. Specifically, I’m from very near Ferguson. Maybe you saw our travel brochure. People are like, “Really? Are you really from there?” Yeah, I am. They’re like, “Can you believe all that happened?” Yeah, I can. I can’t believe we kept a lid on that shit for 25 years. Every day I felt the tension. Every day. Even In high school, I came home and I said, “I don’t really know if our school’s that safe anymore, Dad. A girl got stabbed to death in the third-floor bathroom.” He didn’t stop doing the crossword puzzle. He goes, “Well, don’t use that bathroom. What are you, a goddamn idiot, Kathleen? Jesus Christ. Use your mind.” It’s not a very exciting state, Missouri. It’s really just in the middle– Clearly, though, to Southerners it’s not. I was in Birmingham, Alabama. I get done with the show, and this guy at the bar goes, “Ma’am, I could tell by the way you talk you’re a Yankee.” I’m like, “Sir, I’m from Missouri. And let me tell you this little piece of history. I don’t even know if we were in the war. I think we were half and half and just beat the crap out of one another. We never even left our own property, sir.” “Fight Local.” That was our bumper sticker. “Fight Local.” ’Cause we couldn’t decide. We were half Confederate and half Union. We still can’t decide. CNN had a map of the Syrian refugee crisis, a map of the United States, and who would take them and who wouldn’t. The South, yellow. No. The Northeast said yes, we’ll take ’em. Blue. For no reason explained till the very end of the show, Missouri was purple. The only state. And then at the end, they go, “Oh, the purple signifies no decision. They can’t make up their minds.” Of course we can’t make up our minds. I don’t really consider, um– I don’t know what I consider. I don’t know if it’s north or south. But I know sometimes when I’m in the South, I see things on bumper stickers, I read things in their newspaper where I think to myself, seriously, I think we may need to have this Civil War again. I’m not sure they got it. I feel like it’s beating up a drunk in an alley and then wake up and be like, “That was bullshit. I wasn’t ready. Come back.” No. No, drunky. We’re not coming back. I was in Louisiana, and you can google this. ’Cause I couldn’t believe this was true. It is true. They are teaching children in schools in Louisiana that will accept vouchers. So that’s tax money. They’re private schools, but they accept vouchers. This is in science class. Now, put on your science hat and try to follow this syllogism. They’re teaching the kids that the Loch Ness Monster is real. Now, as an aside, I agree with that. But nobody taught me that. I had to stay up really late watching the Discovery Channel, drinking a lot of wine and weeding through a lot of crap to make my decision. Anyway, they’re teaching the children that the Loch Ness Monster is real. Therefore, evolution is not real ’cause the Loch Ness Monster is a dinosaur. I don’t even have a joke for that. I just want you to know that. Those are fellow Americans that I think should be airlifted out. I– Someone needs to get the children. Leave the adults. Take the children. My state is not a state that you really wanna brag about. We just try to lay low. That’s our best outcome: if we’re not noticed. Because every time– Like Ferguson, that whole thing. That was not exactly something that you feel proud of. Uh, two summers ago, I turned on CNN somewhere on the road, and it said, “Missouri State Senate debates–” Now, you think the next word would be “health care” or “right-to-work clause.” No. “Noodling.” Yeah. We spent two weeks, eight hours a day, the senate. For those of you who don’t know what noodling is, congratulations. You have led a very classy life. But I’m gonna tell you what it is. Noodling is when hillbilly people get in muddy rivers, like the Mississippi or the Missouri River, and they get into water about chest high and then they go along the riverbank with their hands underneath the water searching for catfish breeding holes. Then when they find one, they shove their arm in the hole. They wait for the catfish to bite it. Then they yank it out and they’ve caught a fish. I was not aware that this is illegal in my home state of Missouri. I was also not aware that it is legal in our neighboring state of Oklahoma. I certainly was not aware that we have a Missouri Noodlers Association. CNN sent a young reporter to interview the president of the Missouri Noodlers Association, who immediately became my new hero because for his interview on CNN, he chose not to wear a shirt. [audience cheering] She was clearly petrified of the guy. I have never seen anyone hold a microphone further away from another human being. She said, “Sir, I understand you’re the president of the Missouri Noodlers Association. Could you please tell us your position on noodling?” He goes, “Yeah. Yeah. I’ll tell you my position. If I wanna shove my arm in a hole and get a fish, you tell my why I can’t.” So that was the argument for it. Then I thought, what is the problem? I don’t know. Well, they go interview the people against it. It was, like, basically an environmental group, and they go, “Well, our problem with it is two-fold. Number one, every time they do this, they’re destroying the catfish breeding holes. And number two, and more importantly, sometimes these catfish, especially if near a dam, can grow to be 150 to 250 pounds.” Yes. I swear. Google it. “So sometimes when the hillbilly shoves his arm in the hole, the hillbilly does not come back up.” But I was like, “Yeah, but let’s think that through. What have we gained and what have we lost?” Everything– [applause] “We might have lost Billy Bob, but somebody just got his brand-new truck full of Busch light.” What? I don’t expect people to know much about Missouri. I do expect people to know it’s a state. That I do. And there are people– I was in California, in a Macy’s, trying to buy jeans. And the girl was young, I’ll give her that. [imitating valley girl] She was one of the girls who talk like that, and she just couldn’t be bothered with anything, okay? [normal voice] I go to check out and I give her my credit card. She goes, “I’m gonna need to see your license.” I go, “Okay, that’s not a problem.” And I– I’m still not sure exactly what happened. I’m gonna show you what happened. I gave her my license, and she went, “Missouri.” [clicks teeth] “Uh… no.” “No? Did you just do a search in your brain and your hard drive came back with nothing, so you negated my whole state?” “Uh, no.” Missouri is a very special place to one group of people, and it’s the Mormons. Not the ones that went to Utah. Joseph Smith, the leader, had a son, Joseph Smith, Jr. That man believed that the original Garden of Eden was 35 miles north of Kansas City. Not in Mesopotamia. No, no, no, no, no. Missouri. They also believe that when Christ comes back, that’s where he’s going. First stop, Kansas City. He’s not gonna go to Bethlehem or Jerusalem. He’s getting a Southwest flight and he’s going straight to Kansas City. Look, I am from Missouri. And if you think Jesus is going back to Kansas City, 35 miles outside of it, by the way, then you must believe that Jesus is a big fan of barbecue and crystal meth, because that is what’s happening 35 miles outside of Kansas City. My whole family lives there. Well, my parents are in Florida in the winter right now. As most Midwest old people with a car, they leave on December 26. They’re like geese. They just leave. Flocks of ’em leave from the Midwest. My parents bought a new car. They haven’t had a new car in ten years. They bought a black Lincoln Town Car. Little did they know that that’s one of the more expensive rides on the Uber app. So I, unbeknownst to them, have signed them up to be Uber drivers… so they can pick up other old people on the way to Florida, make a little spending cash. ’Cause my mom will do whatever the phone says, I’m telling you. “Jack, we have to pull over. We’re the blue dot, and it’s saying pull over. There are people that need a ride for some reason. I don’t know why the phone is doing this. It’s never done this before. But I’m afraid if we don’t, there’s gonna be a problem, Jack.” They go to Sarasota now, on that side. But for about three years in a row, they went to a place called the Villages. I don’t know if any of you’ve seen it advertised on TV. Go to their Web site. There’s nothing like it in the world. It’s the largest retirement community in the nation. Well, the world, probably. It’s 35 minutes, or if my mom’s driving, eight and a half hours away from the Orlando airport. Some guy thought of it. He thought, “I’m gonna buy all of this crappy swampland, and I’m gonna make nirvana for old people. I’ll build it. They will come.” And they came. There’s 350,000 of ’em. They have their own zip code. They have their own post office. They’ve got golf courses, swimming pools. I mean, it’s really something. It really is something. And my parents were there, and I go, “Oh, good. You’re gonna be at the Villages. That’s great, ’cause I have shows in Florida, and I have nowhere to go in between shows.” My mom goes, “You can come over here, but you can’t spend the night on the property.” I said, “Why not?” She goes, “The law at the Villages, Kathleen, is no one under the age of 55 is allowed to spend the night on the property.” I said, “Really? Fifty-five? So you’re telling me at age 48, I’m gonna have to again go get a fake ID– [audience laughing] so that I can spend the night with you freaks. Mom, where would I even go? To, like, a bingo game and roll an old redheaded lady and go, ‘Sorry. I’ll have this back in two days. I just need it to get into the Villages.’” I said, “Mom, how are they gonna know if I’m there? Seriously. Does an old man come in a golf cart and do bed check every night?” She goes, “Yes. That’s what I’ve heard. Yes. That’s what I think happens.” I said, “Well, I’m going to come there and I am gonna spend the night. But I will meet you halfway so you’re not nervous. I’m gonna sleep in my tennis shoes, sports bra and T-shirt and shorts. And if I hear the golf cart, I’m gonna get up, and I’m gonna run into the family room, and I’m gonna hide behind the La-Z-Boy. ’Cause in my own mind, Mom, I’m gonna pretend like I’m in the last scene of The Sound of Music and we’re the Von Trapps on top of the convent hiding behind tombstones… from the Nazis. And then when the golf cart guy shines his flashlight, just for my own amusement, I’m gonna pop out from behind it and go, ‘Don’t do it, Ralph. You’re not one of them. Don’t take us. Come with us.’ And then I’m gonna laugh and laugh. He won’t laugh, but I don’t care. It’s not the point. I’m gonna laugh. And then I’m gonna run by him, Mom, and I’m gonna run away, and I’m gonna make it over the whole border of the Villages. I’m gonna make it to freedom, and– Do you know how I know I’m confident I can do that? Because I’m the only person out of 350,000 that has both of their real knees, Mom. I am the Usain Bolt of this community. I don’t think you’re respecting my powers.” Prepared to getting older, there’s moments where you’re hanging out with them and you’re like, “Wow. Are you actually going crazy in front of me? Like, should I call someone? I don’t know what to do.” I was in Target with my mom. She opened her wallet and all her credit cards were individually wrapped in tin foil. She unwraps one and hands it to me as if that’s a completely normal exchange of information. I go, “We’re not gonna talk about that?” She goes, “Talk about what, Kathleen?” I go, “The tin foil, Mom. The tin foil.” She goes, “Well, obviously, you have not been keeping up with the news.” I said, “No, I actually thought I had been.” “Well, then you must have missed the story about the raygun people.” “Who are the raygun people?” She said, “Well, your father and I saw it on ‘20-40’ or ‘60-80’ or ‘100 Minutes,’ whatever those serious– It was a very serious program. There are people now, Kathleen, with computer rayguns, and they can shoot that raygun through my purse, through my wallet, and they gather all of your personal information off of that strip on the back of your debit card. They can shoot through your father’s ass at a gas station, right through his ass, into his wallet.” I went, “Okay.” My mom’s not stupid. She was a nurse for a million years. So I called my friend in Boston who’s been a cop forever, and I asked him about the raygun people and told him about the tin foil. He said, “Two things, Kathleen. Number one, no. I have not heard about the raygun people. But in fairness to your mom, I haven’t checked my work e-mail in three days. Now– Number two, and more importantly, what I do know from being a cop for 20 years is that crazy people love tin foil. You don’t need to tell your mother. I’m just telling you so you know that is a fact. An old cop told me that. Always carry tin foil in your squad car. If you come across someone who’s mentally ill and having a psychotic break or maybe someone in a drug frenzy, you just tear off a piece of tin foil, you calmly walk over and go, ‘Make a hat,’ and the whole situation–” They drive to Florida ’cause my mom won’t fly anymore. The fear of flying has literally gone over the edge with her. It started years ago. And I do feel sorry for people who have that fear, ’cause it is real. And you see people at airports. You can always tell. ’Cause their hands, their palms are real sweaty. They’ll talk to anyone. God forbid the time of departure changes. Then they completely unravel. They’re like, “This is it. I think this plane’s broken, and they’re gonna fly it. Don’t you?” “Yeah, I do. Today is the day. American Airlines is gonna go, ‘Fuck it. Give it a whirl. I don’t care.’ Wha– Every part can’t be that important.” But it’s weird to me that strangers– There will always be a stranger who will say to another stranger, “Oh, you shouldn’t have a fear of flying, because I’ll tell you what, you have a better chance of being in a car crash than you do of being in a plane crash.” And I wanna say, but I won’t ’cause it would be mean, “Yeah, but you have a much better chance of getting in a forgettable car crash than you do of being in a forgettable plane crash.” There’s no way you’re gonna be in a plane crash, go to work on Monday, and then Wednesday look at somebody you work with and go, “Oh, shit, did I forget to tell you? On the way home from Milwaukee, my plane crashed. I don’t know if you saw that on CNN. I was the lady running through the cornfield. My hair had caught on fire because I’m near-sighted and I’d lost my glasses in the turbulence. I actually ran towards the explosion versus away from the explosion. That’s why I called in sick yesterday ’cause… my head hurt ’cause it had been on fire.” I fly every week, and I’ve never even thought about what if something happened to the plane until missing Malaysian Flight 370, which I am admittedly obsessed with. My youngest brother, who I talk to almost every day, has banned me from speaking about it. He goes, “Seriously, Kathleen, if you bring it up, I’m gonna hang up. It’s been almost two years. I don’t wanna hear anything that you’ve read on the Internet. I don’t wanna hear what you and your drunk friends decided happened to it. I–” He goes, “You’ve never been obsessed with a plane crash.” “Ah, ah, ah. What is the problem with that sentence, Pat? You just said ‘plane crash.’ We don’t know if this plane crashed, do we?” That’s– That’s why I’m obsessed with it. About seven months ago, they found a wing of a Triple Seven in the Indian Ocean. That’s what that plane was, a Triple Seven. And they sent that wing to the French. I do not know why the French are in charge of science. I’d have given it to the Germans. But whatever. They actually came out and said, “Well, yeah, um, this definitely is the wing of a Triple Seven, but we cannot confirm it’s missing Malaysian Flight 370.” “Well, has anyone else called… Lost and Found… looking for a wing?” They found another little piece, like, three days ago. But all it says is that– It just says, “Do not step here.” So it could be that or a ladder. Who kno– Nobody– Nobody knows. I watched every minute of the coverage, and my brother goes, “I don’t get it.” I go, “Because it’s the biggest news story of our lifetime, Patrick.” I’m sorry. I’ve assumed my entire life that when we bought a ticket in an airplane to go over a large body of water, I thought the whole time we were up here, someone smarter than us on the ground at all times knew where the fuck we were. I did. I believed that. Yeah, well, that’s certainly not the case. Cat is out of the bag. They got nothing. Boston to Dublin, Texas, when you get there, man. It gets a little weird after Nova Scotia. They don’t tell people that. As soon as you get a Guinness, give us a holler and let us know everything’s all right. They covered it on CNN for 72 days, and people were complaining it’s too much coverage. I’m like, “No, it’s not. This is wonderful.” ’Cause they have no new information, so now they just have to make up conversation. It got to the point where the experts were, like, building paper airplanes, going, “Okay, here’s what I think happened, all right? It was windy. Come on. Turn on the fan. Stay with me, Bob. Somebody put water in the trash can. That’s my ocean. Come on.” But I watched it, because every day they would go live to the city of Kuala Lumpur to a Hilton hotel for a press conference from the Malaysian Airlines spokesman. I have never felt so sorry for any individual in their job. Because every day he had no new information. And he had to face a ballroom full of Chinese people. ’Cause there were 239 missing people. Most were Chinese. Their families have been flown in. He couldn’t even make eye contact. He would just come out and go, “Brrrr. Ah, ha, yeah. Well, uh, once again, I have new no information on Flight 370. It’s a very bad situation. We cannot find our airplane. We have called Australia. They’re gonna help us look for our airplane. Sometimes you lose something. You can’t find it, and you have to ask for help. ‘Hey, have you seen my keys?’ That’s the kind of situation. Sorry.” Then he would leave. I’m like, “This is a real airline. They’re open. Today. I check every day. I google. This is a real working airline.” And the Chinese people were so kind, I thought. Like in patient. He would come out day after day. There’s nothing. There was very little reaction. Week three he came out. “Ah, brrrr. Ah, yeah, once again, I have no new information on flight. We still cannot find our airplane. It’s a really, really, really bad situation. We do know this now though. We have been looking in the wrong ocean. Ha ha!” What? What? What? What? “Ah, yeah, that ocean wrong. Maybe now over here. We’re gonna look over here in this ocean.” What? The wrong ocean? That is an acceptable statement in the year 1492 regarding a boat. “I don’t know where it went, man. I told you the world was flat. Maybe it just fell off. I don’t know.” That is not an acceptable statement in the year 2014. Unbelievable. And once again, the Chinese people, they just didn’t really react. And I thought, “Oh, my God. That’s– That’s the day where my Irish temper– Every– Every single valve would have burst.” I could’ve had a can of Aqua Net and a lighter, and that man would have burst into a pillar of fire. A biblical pillar of fire on CNN International. And I would’ve done it knowing full well I’m gonna be arrested and tried for murder, which would’ve been fine. And I would say, “Yes, please let me take the witness stand.” ’Cause I don’t care what question I’m asked. I have a two-word answer. “Miss Madigan, is it true that you took Aqua Net and a lighter into the ballroom?” “Huh. Wrong ocean. Ha!” “Wrong ocean.” Unbelievable. The Chinese people, though, are still pretty kind. Day 72, for those of you who are not obsessed with missing airplanes, um, that’s the last day of hope because the ping device can no longer possibly operate. There’s the black box and then there’s a ping thing that emits a sonar sound. Now, this is assuming one had put batteries in their ping device. Yeah. Google this. About five months ago, they had a little secret announcement ’cause they thought everybody forgot. “Ah, yeah, one more thing. Ha ha. About that airplane. Um, we never had batteries in that. Yeah. Sorry. Well, you know, sometimes at home your remote control, your batteries go dead, and you go to a different remote control, and you take those batteries and you put ’em in this remote control. And then later on, you go for the other old one. You go, ‘Uh-oh. I forgot.’ That’s what happened. Sorry.” They are open. So day 72. At the time the Chinese people don’t know that there’s– They don’t know there’s no batteries. They believe there were batteries in it. He comes out, and I thought, “Whatever you do, just don’t say it the same way. Phrase it differently.” No. No. He came out, “Brrrr. Ah, ha, yeah, once again, I have no new information on Flight 370.” And finally, the Chinese people lost their minds. An old man, like, rolls back, flicked a lit cigarette at that man’s head, live on TV. Sadly, my first thought was, “Wow. You can still smoke inside… in a Hilton in Malaysia.” Note to self: Vacation in Kuala Lumpur. Take different airline. Check Southwest. That airline’s ridiculous. And then the older women started losing it. Like, literally, having heart attacks. 911 is being called. It’s bedlam. They have finally reached their maximum potential of patience. They’re out of it. I happen to be home watching it with my parents. My dad, who does not like public displays of emotion, was like, “Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. They got to get it together. They got to get it together. Do they know they’re on television? Are they aware that people can see?” My mom interrupts with– And I have six siblings. “Well, Jack, you have to understand it’s extra sad for the Chinese people because they only have one child.” I go, “Hold on a second. So are you saying, Mom, it would only be a seventh as sad if I went missing forever?” “Yes, that’s what I’m saying. Yes. You may not wanna hear that, but that’s the truth. I mean, we have six other children. They have children. Your father and I have casino buffet tickets. We are leading a full life.” Yes, you are. Seven kids. It’s too many. Nobody notices though. That’s a good thing. If you’re one of seven, no one notices anything. Like, I’m surprised– I have friends who have one or two kids. They speak to them about their feelings and their thoughts, and they address them individually. ’Cause my friends are like, “Oh, you guys didn’t?” “No.” No. Not with seven kids. There were just announcements made. That’s all. “We’re moving.” “Oh, fuck. What? What? What? When?” “Your mother’s already in the car. I don’t know what’s going on with you people.” Nobody notices when you’re one of seven. Which was fine with me. I didn’t mind that. I would still choose that. But sometimes to the point of, “Really, guys?” I do not watch myself on TV. I was 35 years old, and I walked into my parents’ house, and they somehow had me on their TV, and I looked at it and I go, “Ah. What is wrong with my eye?” My dad goes, “You mean your lazy one?” “What? What?” “Yeah, your right eye. When you get tired or nervous, it twitches and kind of jumps around. You– You don’t feel that happening?” “No. No, I didn’t know. I didn’t know that was happening. How long has that been going on?” “I mean, since you were a baby. I mean, they, uh… told us to put a patch on you, but you can’t have a baby girl pirate. That’s crazy. So, uh… we thought you’d grow out of it, quite frankly, and clearly you have not, Kathleen. So if I were you, before you go on television, I would get a nap or calm down, ’cause it’s–” I didn’t really know how small families worked till I got to go over to other friends’ houses. When you’re in second grade or whatever, my friend across the street, Bob, he would say, “That’s my mom and that’s my sister.” And I’m like, “Well, where is everyone?” Like, I don’t wanna say anything. Maybe there was a house fire or, you know, some sort of tragedy. But this is weird. I think smaller families are kinder. They say kinder things. I don’t know if they mean them, but I heard “I love you” a lot. “I love you.” “love you too.” “Love you more than yesterday.” “Ha! Love you more than tomorrow.” And it’s not even today. I would just stand there paralyzed and uncomfortable. “You guys don’t say ‘I love you’?” “No.” There are nine people in my house. Saying “I love you” would be a sign of weakness. They need to wake up and wonder how I feel about their ass. I’m not giving them that. And at this age if I walked into a room and all my siblings were sitting there and they started to say “I love you,” I’d run out because I would know this is some sort of intervention, and I’m not falling for that. I’m not listening to your dumb-ass sad letter. “Dear Kathleen.” We went to Catholic schools. Uh, yeah, I didn’t mind. [man] Whoo! If I had kids, I would make them go to a Catholic school, ’cause I’ll tell you, the one thing I guarantee you, if you send your kids to a Catholic school, they will never join ISIS. Somebody would’ve said to me at age 18 after all that Catholicism, “Hey, could we talk to you about our religion for a minute?” Ha ha ha ha ha ha! “No, you may not. You are 18 years late to this party, Muhammad. You–” [Kathleen chuckling] I think being Catholic is Christian, but it’s been pointed out to me many times in the South that they’re not the same. ’Cause in the South, they’ll go, “Oh, are you Christian?” I’ll go, “Yeah, I’m Catholic.” “Oh, well, we’re Christian.” “Oh, okay. I thought we said the same thing, but I guess not.” There are differences. The Christians have a direct relationship with Jesus. They speak of it like that. “You know what? Me and my relationship with Jesus. I love Jesus. Jesus loves me.” It’s a direct, very solid relationship with Jesus. And I thought, “Wow. Really? You guys go straight to Jesus.” In a Catholic school, I was given a laundry list of people to contact… before, the nuns said, because otherwise I’m bothering Jesus. “You are gonna call these people, Kathleen, before you bother Jesus. You could start with your guardian angel. He’s got nothing to do 24 hours a day except tend to your needs. If he’s not available, you can speak to the saint in charge of the activity you’re upset about. Every single saint has been assigned an assignment. You can speak to Jesus’ mother if you’d like to. You can give Mary a shout. But you are not to bother Jesus.” Okeydokey. Even if I did something bad, I couldn’t tell Jesus. I had to go to confession. I had to get in a creepy closet with a guy in the dark. And then I had to tell him, and he’s gonna tell a guy. And I wasn’t good at confession because my dad, for many years, was a defense attorney. And starting in second grade, he would tell us all at the dinner table, “I want all of you kids to remember if the police capture you or anyone in a position of authority ask you questions, your response, no matter what, are ‘I do not recall, I need an attorney. I do not recall, I need an attorney.’ Ninety percent of people are in prison because they can’t keep their goddamn mouths shut. Never, ever snitch on yourself.” And then I would go to confession in the closet, and the priest would go, “Kathleen, have you done anything bad? Is there anything you’d like to tell me about?” [Kathleen chuckles] I’m not falling for this. My dad’s probably planted him here. I know– I know what I’m supposed to say. “I’m sorry, Father, but I do not recall and I need an attorney.” “Honey, you’re only in second grade.” “Well, maybe you don’t know this, Father Anthony, but 90% of people are in prison because they can’t keep their goddamn mouths shut. If you’d like some more information on that–” If you’re from a big family, you know you never say anything directly to the sibling that you intend on saying something till you say it to a different sibling. They’ll say it to another, and then eventually it’ll get back to the sibling you intended it to say. I, uh– This year at Christmas, my brother said, “You should be on time because last year you were late.” And he said that our other sister said I ruined Christmas. I go, “Really? Did she say that? I ruined it? I’m calling her.” I go, “Did you say I ruined Christmas?” [scoffs] “Well, I might’ve. I mean, you were late. Everybody knew to get there at 9:30. You didn’t get there until 10:00. The kids were all excited. Everyone was excited. We had to wait ’cause you had to stop–” I go, “Okay, I agree. I was late. I apologize for that. But I would like to point out for the future that I think you and I have very different definitions of what ruining Christmas would be.” To me, ruining Christmas would be if I would’ve walked into Mom and Dad’s house with a 12-gauge shotgun and shot them in the face. I think that ruins Christmas. It ruins the rest of the Christmases after that, ’cause you can’t ever have another Christmas without going, “Oh, my God. Remember that one Christmas when Kathleen went crazy and shot Mom and Dad in the face? It was horrible.” My siblings have tons of kids. They’re everywhere. I don’t have any, and I’m glad I don’t. I don’t have the pressure of naming the kids. That’s awful. My youngest brother, his name is John Patrick Madigan. That’s my dad’s name, and that name has been in our family since 1853, circa Ireland, as far as we can count back. And then my youngest brother knew that they were having a boy, and he called and said, “You know what? I’m not gonna do it.” I go, “You’re not gonna name him John Patrick Madigan?” He goes, “No.” I go, “Well, I’ve never asked you for anything, but I would like to know when and where you’re going to be telling Dad this information, because I’m gonna bring a cooler of beer ’cause that’s how long his answer’s gonna be, Pat, and it’s gonna involve the whole history of Ireland and what’s wrong with English people and they were actually potatoes, but they never gave ’em to the people and Henry VIII. Wha– Why– Why would you pick this fight? Your name is John Patrick Madigan. We call you Patrick. His is John Patrick Madigan. We call him Jack. Grandpa was John Patrick Madigan. We call him– You can call him Fuck Nut. Just name him. This is a crazy fight, in my mind. Don’t– You’d have a better time telling Dad you’re gonna become a woman. Seriously. ’Cause Mom would smooth it over ’cause you’re the baby. Everyone in LA’s doing it. Bruce Jenner. Cher’s son.” I said, “Why? Why, Patrick? Why?” He goes, “You don’t know what it’s like to live with somebody else’s name. Exact same name.” He goes, “You know, I cannot get Direct TV because Dad won’t pay their bill.” What? I go, “They don’t even have Direct TV.” “Oh, no, not anymore. They did. Four years ago.” That’s how long the standoff’s been going on. It’s over a movie that Dad claims he didn’t rent. They’ve paid everything but that charge, but that charge has penalties. So it’s now $287. And I said, “Well, just pay the bill. I’ll pay it.” He goes, “No, I could pay it too. But I can’t pay it ’cause he won’t give me the account information. Because he doesn’t wanna pay it.” I go, “What was the movie, just out of curiosity?” He goes, “Lincoln, starring Daniel Day-Lewis. And if you like to hear that speech, call him, Kathleen.” “Why would I rent Abraham Lincoln? Has something new happened? Do we have new information? Did John Wilkes Booth not shoot Abraham Lincoln? I never ordered goddamn Lincoln . I know it.” I said, “All right. Well, if you’re not gonna do that, what other names were you guys thinking of?” He goes, “Well, a lot. But here’s a little left-field one. Maybe Seamus.” And I went, “Seamus Madigan?” He goes, “Why is that funny to you?” I go, “I don’t know. But we should pay attention to that.” I just laughed for no reason. I go, “I think names have power. If you’re gonna name him Seamus Madigan, I think you should lower all expectations.” Seamus Madigan is a bartender. He always was a bartender. He will always be a bartender. I don’t think he’s gonna be a heart surgeon. And if he was, I wouldn’t let him operate on me, even if he was my nephew. If I was in some emergency room, they came out and said, “Your surgeon, Dr. Seamus Madigan, will be out in a minute,” I would be like, “No, he will not.” And I would wheel my ass down to the Jewish hospital, where there was a nice young man named Sam whose family took education more seriously than beer pong and football. That’s what I would do. I have no kids. I don’t– I don’t want them. I’ve seen what it’s done to some of my siblings. Oh, they’re so tired and cranky. My sister’s normally very happy. Has twins. She looks so tired. I go, “You look really tired.” “You don’t have to say that. I know I look tired. I am tired. I have four-year-olds. Did you know– I thought it was gonna get easier. It doesn’t. The average four-year-old asks 436 questions in a day. Did you know that? And I have two of ’em. And I’m too tired to add 436 plus 436. It’s a lot of questions, Kathleen.” I said, “Do you know why they ask 436? ’Cause you were dumb enough to answer the first question. That’s what led to that line of questioning. You got to shut it down.” If I have ’em, I’d throw ’em in the van in the morning. They’ll ask a random question. “Hey, Aunt Kat, how come their dog gets to be out front and ours doesn’t?” “Fuck if I know.” That’s the answer. Ask Siri. Siri has answers. Aunt Kat, no answers. [Kathleen chuckles] Here’s the biggest reason I would never wanna have a kid. ’Cause I will never again on my own or even assist on installing a car seat. I don’t know how many of you ever had to do this, but if you’re gonna, here’s a few helpful hints. Take the whole day off work, because that’s how long it’s gonna take you. Whatever your favorite alcohol is, have a bucket of it next to that minivan, ’cause you’re gonna stop and have to take drinks and re-read things. If you’re over the age of, oh, I’d say 30, at some point you’re going to become infuriated with Ralph Nader, ’cause he’s the one who started it all. I remember being in grade school and he was on 60 Minutes . “Seat belts. Everybody must have a seat belt. Car seat, seat belts, safety is for life. Head injuries are also for life. I have statistics.” Well, maybe you do, Ralph. I’m sure you do. But so do I. There were seven of us, Ralph. For 16 years, we rode around in the back of a station wagon completely untethered. Completely. And we were in accidents. A lot of them. Especially if my mom was driving. We– Sometimes we got hit so hard, I actually flew to a better seat than I’d originally secured. “Who’s got the window now, jackass?” That’s right. And that was with my parents chain-smoking in the car. Both of ’em. It was so smoky in that car. You could barely see other passengers. Seriously. They way, way back was like Studio 54, because the sun would hit the smoke and create patterns, and then I would draw patterns within the pattern because I didn’t have an iPad, so that’s what I would do to entertain myself. If you’re a woman and you’re gonna install a car seat, I would highly suggest you put on a sports bra, ’cause you’re gonna get hot. You’re gonna be so hot, you’re gonna start inadvertently just tearing off pieces of clothing. And if you’re not careful, you’ll end up like I did, in my sister’s driveway in my regular bra just drinking a beer, staring off into space. And the normally, very friendly neighbors came home. I’m trying to talk to ’em. I don’t know why they’re being so weird. And I’m like, “How you guys doing? Yeah, I know. I just came home. She had twins. I need two of these. I can’t– can’t figure it out. I’m so hot. I’m so hot. I would offer you a beer, but I only have three left. And I’ve made no progress.” So– I just found notes on the back– There’s factory notes that say if you don’t know how to do this, you can take it to the police or the fire department and they’ll install it for you. But unfortunately, I didn’t find those notes till after I already started drinking. So I don’t think it would be a good idea to drive to law enforcement, shit-faced, and two car seats and I don’t have any babies. I mean, It’s just too much to explain, right? Crazy. So this was what I was thinking. I was thinking I might set her car on fire. No, call the fire department, and then after they put the car out, I go, “Hey, since you’re all here, do you think you can give me a hook-up?” [man] Yeah! [chuckles] They’re a pain in the ass, to put kids in them, especially in winter with the coats and 70,000 buckles and the whole thing. And my brother’s kid I thought was big enough to not go in a car seat, and I said, “Do I do him too?” She’s just disgusted with my lack of any parenting knowledge. She goes, “Ugh. 4-foot-10, 80 pounds.” What? “That’s a Missouri state law, Kathleen. If you’re 4-foot-10 or shorter, 80 pounds or less, your ass is in a car seat versus a ticket from the Missouri State Highway Patrol.” I go, “Really, 4’10”? That is excellent news because right now I’m only 5-foot-1. The average woman, due to osteoporosis… in your life, you would have shrunk anywhere from two to five inches. I am not certain. I am bad at math. But I’m pretty sure that puts me back in a car seat. I can’t wait to be back in a car seat. All these nieces and nephews I have will be old enough to drive. I’m gonna do exactly what they do. I’ll call and say I need a ride. Then I’m gonna pack a big bag full of unnecessary, unrelated items that I have to have, or there is going to be a meltdown. Then, like the five and six-year-olds, I’m gonna get in the van and walk, on my own accord, to the very backseat, and I’m just gonna hop up in it like they do and wait for the great buckling. Just sit there. [mouthing words] Then I’m gonna let ’em buckle me in. Then I’m gonna let them pull away. And I’m gonna wait till they drive where it’s somewhere terribly inconvenient to pull over. And I’m gonna start screaming from the back like they do. “My buckle’s too tight!” [gasping] “I’m choking!” [gasping] [chuckles] “I dropped my wine.” [gasping] “I can’t reach my wine.” [chuckling] That’s what I want to do when I’m retired. I just want to drink red wine and watch House Hunters over and over. I love that show. I do. I don’t know why. I don’t even care what houses these people are buying. I’m more interested in their relationships because at least 50 percent of the people shouldn’t even be married, more or less purchasing property together. I saw one in Atlanta. It was a man and a woman. They walked into the house. And the first thing out of the man’s mouth, he goes, “Ah! I can’t live with this backsplash.” Oh, my God, ma’am. You have a much bigger problem than what house you’re gonna buy. You have accidentally married a gay guy. And his boyfriend is not gonna approve of this ugly backsplash when he comes over here while you’re at yoga, aka drinking with your girlfriends on a Thursday. I’m just amazed to, like– In my whole life I’ve never punched anybody, but if I was the Realtors on this show, I would punch at least half of these people– my own clients right in the face. They are so demanding, and they naysay a house right out of the gate. They just walk in and go, “Pah! I can’t live here. There’s no granite countertops.” I’m sorry. Maybe you forgot. You have a budget of $8.00. Maybe… you should be grateful that I’m not showing you a mobile home right now and bragging about the porch that JoJo put on before he went back to prison. What in Christ’s name would make you think you can have granite countertops? And it’s always the meanest lady of any episode who at some point would go, “I don’t know if I want to live here. I don’t see any room for entertaining.” Well, don’t worry, ma’am. No one’s fucking coming over here. You’re the meanest person I’ve ever heard speak English on television. Seriously. But I think over the age of 40, if that’s what I wanna do with my time– Over 40 you can kind of give up. If I just want to drink wine, why not? The dream catcher didn’t catch anything. It’s the third quarter. I’m losing. Just– I do understand– Over 40– I don’t understand young people that kind of give up so early where you can tell they’re just disgusted. They don’t want any more information. They have just had it. Early, like in their 20s. I flew to Norfolk, Virginia. I’ve never been there. I got off the plane. And their airport was themed. I’ve never seen that. And the theme they chose was mermaids. They were everywhere. They were, like, in the carpet, in baggage claim. They’re handing you the luggage. They’re just everywhere. And I went to the gift shop on the way out because I wanted to get water. There’s a girl working in the gift shop. She’s about 25 years old. I said, “Hey, I’m not from here. What’s going on with all this mermaid stuff?” And she said, and I quote, [raspy voice] “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” Wow. Wow. I thought, she truly doesn’t give a shit. She– Bigfoot could’ve been shopping in that gift shop. She’d be like, “I don’t know what your hairy ass is planning on buying, but I close in five minutes, all right? I ain’t scared of you, Mr. Monster Man.” “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” Just so disgusted that I even asked. But then after meeting the mermaid lady, for, like, the next three months no matter what question I was asked, that’s the only answer I would give. I’ll just go, “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” Because it is so confusing and dismissive to the recipient, but it’s so fun if you’re the one saying it. My– My youngest brother, the one who won’t let me speak about Malaysian Flight 370, he helps me with my taxes ’cause if I– Any state you work in you have to fill out their forms even if you don’t get money back. He called about six weeks after I’ve met the mermaid lady, and he goes, “Yeah, Kathleen, I’m trying to do your taxes. I’m trying to get all these states. I think you worked in Wisconsin two times. You should get– They have a state-withholding tax. You’ll be able to get a refund. It’s a 3.8 percent. Ah, da, da. When you got paid, you should’ve been given some forms. Do you know where those forms are?” “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” And I guarantee you, if you say that, the only thing a person will ever say back is, “What?” And then– [mouthing words] That’s what I wanna do. I wanna drink red wine and watch House Hunters . Uh, I don’t usually think I drink too much until you go to the doctor and they have those drinking questions on there. Yeah. Mine, it’s seven and eight. Question 7: Do you drink alcohol? A little tiny box says, “Yes.” Question 8: Do you drink two, four, six or eight drinks a week? “No.” [laughs] No. You are not even in the right ballpark. Jesus Christ. What is this, a Mormon practice? I thought the name said “Fitzgerald.” And I would not be judged on my deviant and abhorring drinking behavior. See other side, parenthesis, arrow. No. If I do feel bad about my drinking, I would come here. ’Cause you guys set a whole new bar. [audience cheering] Uh, or I go to Ireland. I try to go once a year to be with my people. To reset my priorities and my boundaries. I have friends that go to Hawaii every year. They’re like, “We love Hawaii, but you seem to really love Ireland. Do you think we would like it? Do you think they’re similar?” Oh. [scoffs] Well, they’re both an island. Um, Ireland, however, would have no vegetables or sun. I don’t know if those two things interest you, but they are fresh out. It is not a healthy place. That’s why I feel at home there, and that’s why I like it there. It’s sort of the gist. They just don’t really, truly give a shit. On a good level, in a healthy way, they’ve decided to not be healthy. I was in a pub. I ordered roast beef with mashed potatoes, ’cause I love that, and I thought, I’m going to ask, probably the answer is no, but I– The guy was like 80, the bartender. And I go, “Hey, do you guys, by any chance, have any corn?” You would’ve thought I asked for an eight-ball of cocaine. I– He goes, “Corn?” [Irish accent] “No, we wouldn’t have any corn here in the countryside. We probably don’t have any corn in the entire country at the moment.” I said, “Have you ever had corn?” “Yes. I’ve had corn. When I was nine, we traveled to Germany. And I had some corn and I didn’t care for it.” I was like, “Good for you.” He hasn’t had corn in 71 years. And he doesn’t give a shit. And he looks fine. And he’s bartending on a Thursday. The whole pace of Ireland is just slower. But I like it better. It just takes you a while in your American mind to slow down like that. I went– ’Cause they don’t– It’s very– Nobody’s really, you know, fired up on it. I went in a store that said “bagels,” in a little town in the country. I walked in. There’s a lady. And there’s a glass case, and there’s no bagels. And I thought, here we go. Right? I go, “You don’t have any–” I thought maybe they were in the back. “You don’t have any bagels?” “No, I’m afraid we wouldn’t have any bagels at the moment.” “Are you selling any other food right now?” “No. I wouldn’t be selling anything but the bagels, and I don’t have at the moment.” It’s at that point your American brain wants to go, “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” But I would never do that ’cause I’m Midwest polite. I– I said, “Uh, what– Can I ask you a question? Why are you still open? ’Cause you have nothing for sale.” She goes, “I left the door open. First of all, I don’t know where the bagels are. They’re supposed to be here half past 7:00. It’s half past 10:00. I don’t know. Perhaps there’s been an accident on the road. You’ll say a rosary or perhaps a novena tonight for Johnny the bagel man. I left the door open in case I had a nice conversation with someone like yourself.” Oh, my God. I have to now go back to the other bar and order a Guinness in order to fix this conversation in my brain. I love Guinness. That is actually my favorite thing in the whole world. It’s the greatest drink. It’s like somebody had a beer, and then somebody threw a roast beef in the beer, and then somebody put mashed potatoes on top and handed it to you. [man] Whoo! It’s not healthy. But I really don’t care about health either. There comes a point in your life where you’re like, “I think it’s too late.” That’s why I don’t like to watch CNN because Sanjay Gupta, that doctor, comes on, and he is a buzzkill. Every single time he’s on, he’s got bad news about things that can kill us. But it’s things we’ve been doing our whole lives. I’m like, “Sanjay, people watching CNN are most likely over the age of 30. It is too late for us. You, sir, should be on Nickelodeon. Tell the children. Save the children.” It’s too late. I was watching it about two weeks before Thanksgiving. He came on. He’s like, “Uh-oh. Oh, God. Horrible news. Uh, World Health Organization just did a study. And as it turns out, they have decided that processed meats are raising the cancer rates by a much higher rate, specifically bacon.” [audience jeering] Yeah. Yeah, well, that’s right, Wisconsin. That’s– [chuckles] Whoa. I’m like, bacon? I’m sorry to hear that, Sanjay. ’Cause I love bacon. I’ve been eating it my whole life. Sometimes I put it in Bloody Marys. I’ve actually drank bacon. That’s how much– I added it up. In my life, give or take ten, I have eaten 311 pigs. I– I’ve eaten a farm, sir. You can’t fix that with a yoga class. You can’t back that damage up with a walk around the block. And I don’t even go looking for health stuff. I’m not that person where– No. Like the front page of Yahoo. I don’t know. Six months ago it said, “If you’re fair skin with freckles, uh, click here.” Why, I don’t want to click it. You know it’s not good news. They’re not gonna go, “Hey, guess what, freckle people. Y’all won $50. Run on down to the post office and pick up your government check.” No. But I feel like I have to click on it, ’cause it’s a meeting of my people. What if there’s an announcement and I don’t hear it, and I’m the only lady that didn’t know. Look like some sort of jackass. So I clicked on it. Google this. It’s unbelievable. They go, “Uh-oh. Pah, just found this out.” Incoming. Breaking news. If you’re white with freckles, fair skin, and you’ve been drinking orange juice– All of us, our whole lives– or eating grapefruit, they have figured out that when you go outside in the sun, because your skin– It’s so easy to penetrate your skin, that the sun is activating the acid from the grapefruits and the oranges, raising your chances of melanoma by, like, 27 percent. Yeah. So now, I can’t go outside to exercise in the sunshine. Or I will become activated which forces me back into the dark bar… where I can have a Bloody Mary with some bacon in it. [applause] [man] yeah! And I said to my sister, “I would– I would exercise more. But all I do is fly around. I’m just sitting in an airport.” She goes, “You should get a Fitbit.” This is what this is on my arm. It would work better if I charged it properly. But this counts your steps and your miles. And it’ll have your heart rate if you want to enter your food. It’s like this– I go, “Well, maybe I’ll do that. Maybe I’ll get addicted to seeing how many steps I get in a day.” So, from my iPad, on my couch, I ordered the Fitbit from Amazon. I paid the extra money to have it overnighted. So the following day, this was on my porch on my front steps, which I now know is six and a half steps away from my couch. And then I opened it up, and I googled it, ’cause I wanted to know how it work. Really? It can count how far I’ve walked, steps and speed. We can’t find Flight 370, but I’m not supposed to talk about that. Supposed to just let that go. But we have this technology. So I googled, “How does it work?” It works based on this motion from when you’re walking. And then, my Irish jackasses kicked in and I thought, but does it know if my whole body is moving? What if I had a glass of wine and I was going like that? Would it know? The answer is no. It does not know. I drank two and a half miles while watching the last– [applause] Thank you. Two and a half miles while watching the last Republican debate. I know I won’t vote for any politician who says this, uh, at anytime. If they say it. So far four of them have said it. It’s like a hack line they say on the campaign trail. I just find it so cheesy. They’ll go, “People, America is a place where your dreams can come true. I’m here to make your dreams come true. Wouldn’t you like your dreams to come true?” I’m sitting there thinking, “No. No, I don’t.” And the fact that you said that makes me certain you have never drank a box of wine and taken an Ambien. I do not want my dreams to come true. It was horrifying. I did it like six weeks ago. Here was the dream. This is the whole dream. I’m in Alaska, wearing a sombrero. It’s raining Cheetos, but I can’t move my arms. [groaning] Three and a half hours of that. No thanks. And then I turned on late-night TV, and that’s all the infomercials. And there it was, the Sarah McLachlan sad animal commercial. [audience groans] Exactly. I feel the same way. But I’ve seen it like 200 times. And do you know what I’ve done? Honestly? Nothing. And that’s not nice. But that’s the truth. I thought, why don’t I react to this? I can’t get an animal. I’m gone too much, but I could send the money. I think they say like 62 cents a day for the dog or the cat, right? But then I thought, “Well, I don’t know what’s going on there, Sarah, but that kid on the other channel is only 55 cents a day. So maybe your cat’s living a little large, Sarah. Or maybe the child needs a raise. I don’t know, but someone should check that before you start throwing figures like that out at night, late night when all the infomercials are on in a row.” And I thought, this ad doesn’t work on me because it’s so sad, I usually turn it off. Like, you can’t motivate people to action through the emotion of sadness. You need to make people angry or shocked or appalled. That’s what gets people of their ass. You don’t ever see a protest with a bunch of people just laying around crying. No. That’s not going to happen. And I thought, they need to redo this commercial to make a lot more money for the animals. I– This is what I’m doing late night after my Ambien and boxed wine. I’m thinking of how to fix the commercial. And I– I would call Sarah back. She seems like a lovely lady. Call her up in Canada and go, “We really messed up. We need you back down here, and we’re going to reshoot the commercial.” You pay for her to come back to America. You go, “Here’s what’s gonna– Here’s how it’s going to work, Sarah. We’re going to send you out to that song that you wrote, the saddest song ever written on earth.” ♪ In the arms ♪ [yowling] I don’t know what the words are. I think it’s about that cat having pink eye, but I can’t– I don’t know. That one definitely has pink eye. It’s dangerous ’cause it’s gonna hop to the other eye like Bob Costas at the Olympics. It’s– It’s a mess. You got to put hot water on it. And cats don’t like water. I don’t know how you would begin to fix that. But here’s what’s gonna happen, Sarah. You’re gonna walk out to that song that you wrote. Lovely song. And in one hand, you’re going to be holding a beagle puppy. And in the other hand, you’re going to be holding a pistol. Remember, this is for the animals. Stay with me. And then I’m going to need you, Sarah, to say in your oh-so-angelic voice, without laughing– You have to be serious. She’ll go, “Hello. I’m Sarah McLachlan. If someone doesn’t come down here… in the next 45 minutes, I’m gonna blow this beagle’s brains out.” I would be horrified. I’d be like, “Can you Shazam her location? Where is she?” And I would drive down there, and I would take the puppy and kick the gun out of her hand. And where did you even get a gun? You’re Canadian. You’re allowed one bear gun per family, Sarah. That is not a bear gun. You guys have been a lot of fun. If you drank and you’re gonna drive, focus. Don’t be playing with your phone. I am not advocating drinking and driving. I’m not. Drinking and driving is really bad. And it’s really bad– I never thought about this. But I have a friend, who told me to say was a very handsome friend, Rick in Denver, he got a DUI. I never thought about this until he told me what happens. Now when you get taken to jail, they take all your stuff. That includes your phone. And they lock it all in a drawer. Then they come back to your cell and tell you you’re now allowed to make one phone call. [blows air] Well, that’s the problem. ’Cause you just locked my brain in a drawer. I don’t know anybody’s phone numbers by heart anymore. Seriously, I don’t. I don’t know what I– What– What would you do? I know the number of the house I grew up in. I could call that family… and hope that they were really nice people. “Don’t hang up. Don’t hang up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I’m in so much trouble. I know you guys are kind of busy in Ferguson. Do you have $2,800?” Then I thought, seriously? They wouldn’t let you look at your phone? He goes, “Kathleen, you don’t get it. No, no.” I go, “I think that’s being stringent. You’re not a murderer. You’re not a rapist. You’re Drunky the Clown. You’ve been captured. You can’t hurt anybody. They wouldn’t even show you your contacts?” “No.” I thought, especially if I had been drinking, that’s when my jackass behavior would kick in. And I would say, “Okay, I’m ready for my call.” I let them bring me the phone, and my one call, I would call 911 from the cell. [chuckling] “Hello. Oh, yes, this is absolutely an emergency.” [blows air] “Well, I have been kidnapped. That’s what’s going on here. I was abducted by two men in matching outfits. And I was thrown into what I can only surmise right now is some sort of sex dungeon.” [chuckling] “No, I’m not laughing. No, I’m not laughing. My location? Well, that actually is kind of funny. If– If you would just glance down the hall. Ha ha!” All right, you guys, thank you so much. I’ve had a great time. Thank you for coming out. We appreciate it. Lew too. Thank you. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Thank you, guys. Thank you. [Arden] ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Madigan ♪ | [cheering] Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Wow. And– Another hand for the most overqualified opening act, Mr. Lewis Black. [cheering] And another hand for Jann Arden, who couldn’t be here to sing that in real life but was nice enough to send that to me in the computer. And a big hand for you people that are borderline alcoholics. You’ve made it out tonight. [cheering] You’ve– [cheering continues] I do feel a kinship. This is a beer town. I’m from a beer town. I’m actually from St. Louis, Missouri. [cheering] Thank you. You like that. Specifically, I’m from very near Ferguson. Maybe you saw our travel brochure. People are like, “Really? Are you really from there?” Yeah, I am. They’re like, “Can you believe all that happened?” Yeah, I can. I can’t believe we kept a lid on that shit for 25 years. Every day I felt the tension. Every day. Even In high school, I came home and I said, “I don’t really know if our school’s that safe anymore, Dad. A girl got stabbed to death in the third-floor bathroom.” He didn’t stop doing the crossword puzzle. He goes, “Well, don’t use that bathroom. What are you, a goddamn idiot, Kathleen? Jesus Christ. Use your mind.” It’s not a very exciting state, Missouri. It’s really just in the middle– Clearly, though, to Southerners it’s not. I was in Birmingham, Alabama. I get done with the show, and this guy at the bar goes, “Ma’am, I could tell by the way you talk you’re a Yankee.” I’m like, “Sir, I’m from Missouri. And let me tell you this little piece of history. I don’t even know if we were in the war. I think we were half and half and just beat the crap out of one another. We never even left our own property, sir.” “Fight Local.” That was our bumper sticker. “Fight Local.” ’Cause we couldn’t decide. We were half Confederate and half Union. We still can’t decide. CNN had a map of the Syrian refugee crisis, a map of the United States, and who would take them and who wouldn’t. The South, yellow. No. The Northeast said yes, we’ll take ’em. Blue. For no reason explained till the very end of the show, Missouri was purple. The only state. And then at the end, they go, “Oh, the purple signifies no decision. They can’t make up their minds.” Of course we can’t make up our minds. I don’t really consider, um– I don’t know what I consider. I don’t know if it’s north or south. But I know sometimes when I’m in the South, I see things on bumper stickers, I read things in their newspaper where I think to myself, seriously, I think we may need to have this Civil War again. I’m not sure they got it. I feel like it’s beating up a drunk in an alley and then wake up and be like, “That was bullshit. I wasn’t ready. Come back.” No. No, drunky. We’re not coming back. I was in Louisiana, and you can google this. ’Cause I couldn’t believe this was true. It is true. They are teaching children in schools in Louisiana that will accept vouchers. So that’s tax money. They’re private schools, but they accept vouchers. This is in science class. Now, put on your science hat and try to follow this syllogism. They’re teaching the kids that the Loch Ness Monster is real. Now, as an aside, I agree with that. But nobody taught me that. I had to stay up really late watching the Discovery Channel, drinking a lot of wine and weeding through a lot of crap to make my decision. Anyway, they’re teaching the children that the Loch Ness Monster is real. Therefore, evolution is not real ’cause the Loch Ness Monster is a dinosaur. I don’t even have a joke for that. I just want you to know that. Those are fellow Americans that I think should be airlifted out. I– Someone needs to get the children. Leave the adults. Take the children. My state is not a state that you really wanna brag about. We just try to lay low. That’s our best outcome: if we’re not noticed. Because every time– Like Ferguson, that whole thing. That was not exactly something that you feel proud of. Uh, two summers ago, I turned on CNN somewhere on the road, and it said, “Missouri State Senate debates–” Now, you think the next word would be “health care” or “right-to-work clause.” No. “Noodling.” Yeah. We spent two weeks, eight hours a day, the senate. For those of you who don’t know what noodling is, congratulations. You have led a very classy life. But I’m gonna tell you what it is. Noodling is when hillbilly people get in muddy rivers, like the Mississippi or the Missouri River, and they get into water about chest high and then they go along the riverbank with their hands underneath the water searching for catfish breeding holes. Then when they find one, they shove their arm in the hole. They wait for the catfish to bite it. Then they yank it out and they’ve caught a fish. I was not aware that this is illegal in my home state of Missouri. I was also not aware that it is legal in our neighboring state of Oklahoma. I certainly was not aware that we have a Missouri Noodlers Association. CNN sent a young reporter to interview the president of the Missouri Noodlers Association, who immediately became my new hero because for his interview on CNN, he chose not to wear a shirt. [audience cheering] She was clearly petrified of the guy. I have never seen anyone hold a microphone further away from another human being. She said, “Sir, I understand you’re the president of the Missouri Noodlers Association. Could you please tell us your position on noodling?” He goes, “Yeah. Yeah. I’ll tell you my position. If I wanna shove my arm in a hole and get a fish, you tell my why I can’t.” So that was the argument for it. Then I thought, what is the problem? I don’t know. Well, they go interview the people against it. It was, like, basically an environmental group, and they go, “Well, our problem with it is two-fold. Number one, every time they do this, they’re destroying the catfish breeding holes. And number two, and more importantly, sometimes these catfish, especially if near a dam, can grow to be 150 to 250 pounds.” Yes. I swear. Google it. “So sometimes when the hillbilly shoves his arm in the hole, the hillbilly does not come back up.” But I was like, “Yeah, but let’s think that through. What have we gained and what have we lost?” Everything– [applause] “We might have lost Billy Bob, but somebody just got his brand-new truck full of Busch light.” What? I don’t expect people to know much about Missouri. I do expect people to know it’s a state. That I do. And there are people– I was in California, in a Macy’s, trying to buy jeans. And the girl was young, I’ll give her that. [imitating valley girl] She was one of the girls who talk like that, and she just couldn’t be bothered with anything, okay? [normal voice] I go to check out and I give her my credit card. She goes, “I’m gonna need to see your license.” I go, “Okay, that’s not a problem.” And I– I’m still not sure exactly what happened. I’m gonna show you what happened. I gave her my license, and she went, “Missouri.” [clicks teeth] “Uh… no.” “No? Did you just do a search in your brain and your hard drive came back with nothing, so you negated my whole state?” “Uh, no.” Missouri is a very special place to one group of people, and it’s the Mormons. Not the ones that went to Utah. Joseph Smith, the leader, had a son, Joseph Smith, Jr. That man believed that the original Garden of Eden was 35 miles north of Kansas City. Not in Mesopotamia. No, no, no, no, no. Missouri. They also believe that when Christ comes back, that’s where he’s going. First stop, Kansas City. He’s not gonna go to Bethlehem or Jerusalem. He’s getting a Southwest flight and he’s going straight to Kansas City. Look, I am from Missouri. And if you think Jesus is going back to Kansas City, 35 miles outside of it, by the way, then you must believe that Jesus is a big fan of barbecue and crystal meth, because that is what’s happening 35 miles outside of Kansas City. My whole family lives there. Well, my parents are in Florida in the winter right now. As most Midwest old people with a car, they leave on December 26. They’re like geese. They just leave. Flocks of ’em leave from the Midwest. My parents bought a new car. They haven’t had a new car in ten years. They bought a black Lincoln Town Car. Little did they know that that’s one of the more expensive rides on the Uber app. So I, unbeknownst to them, have signed them up to be Uber drivers… so they can pick up other old people on the way to Florida, make a little spending cash. ’Cause my mom will do whatever the phone says, I’m telling you. “Jack, we have to pull over. We’re the blue dot, and it’s saying pull over. There are people that need a ride for some reason. I don’t know why the phone is doing this. It’s never done this before. But I’m afraid if we don’t, there’s gonna be a problem, Jack.” They go to Sarasota now, on that side. But for about three years in a row, they went to a place called the Villages. I don’t know if any of you’ve seen it advertised on TV. Go to their Web site. There’s nothing like it in the world. It’s the largest retirement community in the nation. Well, the world, probably. It’s 35 minutes, or if my mom’s driving, eight and a half hours away from the Orlando airport. Some guy thought of it. He thought, “I’m gonna buy all of this crappy swampland, and I’m gonna make nirvana for old people. I’ll build it. They will come.” And they came. There’s 350,000 of ’em. They have their own zip code. They have their own post office. They’ve got golf courses, swimming pools. I mean, it’s really something. It really is something. And my parents were there, and I go, “Oh, good. You’re gonna be at the Villages. That’s great, ’cause I have shows in Florida, and I have nowhere to go in between shows.” My mom goes, “You can come over here, but you can’t spend the night on the property.” I said, “Why not?” She goes, “The law at the Villages, Kathleen, is no one under the age of 55 is allowed to spend the night on the property.” I said, “Really? Fifty-five? So you’re telling me at age 48, I’m gonna have to again go get a fake ID– [audience laughing] so that I can spend the night with you freaks. Mom, where would I even go? To, like, a bingo game and roll an old redheaded lady and go, ‘Sorry. I’ll have this back in two days. I just need it to get into the Villages.’” I said, “Mom, how are they gonna know if I’m there? Seriously. Does an old man come in a golf cart and do bed check every night?” She goes, “Yes. That’s what I’ve heard. Yes. That’s what I think happens.” I said, “Well, I’m going to come there and I am gonna spend the night. But I will meet you halfway so you’re not nervous. I’m gonna sleep in my tennis shoes, sports bra and T-shirt and shorts. And if I hear the golf cart, I’m gonna get up, and I’m gonna run into the family room, and I’m gonna hide behind the La-Z-Boy. ’Cause in my own mind, Mom, I’m gonna pretend like I’m in the last scene of The Sound of Music and we’re the Von Trapps on top of the convent hiding behind tombstones… from the Nazis. And then when the golf cart guy shines his flashlight, just for my own amusement, I’m gonna pop out from behind it and go, ‘Don’t do it, Ralph. You’re not one of them. Don’t take us. Come with us.’ And then I’m gonna laugh and laugh. He won’t laugh, but I don’t care. It’s not the point. I’m gonna laugh. And then I’m gonna run by him, Mom, and I’m gonna run away, and I’m gonna make it over the whole border of the Villages. I’m gonna make it to freedom, and– Do you know how I know I’m confident I can do that? Because I’m the only person out of 350,000 that has both of their real knees, Mom. I am the Usain Bolt of this community. I don’t think you’re respecting my powers.” Prepared to getting older, there’s moments where you’re hanging out with them and you’re like, “Wow. Are you actually going crazy in front of me? Like, should I call someone? I don’t know what to do.” I was in Target with my mom. She opened her wallet and all her credit cards were individually wrapped in tin foil. She unwraps one and hands it to me as if that’s a completely normal exchange of information. I go, “We’re not gonna talk about that?” She goes, “Talk about what, Kathleen?” I go, “The tin foil, Mom. The tin foil.” She goes, “Well, obviously, you have not been keeping up with the news.” I said, “No, I actually thought I had been.” “Well, then you must have missed the story about the raygun people.” “Who are the raygun people?” She said, “Well, your father and I saw it on ‘20-40’ or ‘60-80’ or ‘100 Minutes,’ whatever those serious– It was a very serious program. There are people now, Kathleen, with computer rayguns, and they can shoot that raygun through my purse, through my wallet, and they gather all of your personal information off of that strip on the back of your debit card. They can shoot through your father’s ass at a gas station, right through his ass, into his wallet.” I went, “Okay.” My mom’s not stupid. She was a nurse for a million years. So I called my friend in Boston who’s been a cop forever, and I asked him about the raygun people and told him about the tin foil. He said, “Two things, Kathleen. Number one, no. I have not heard about the raygun people. But in fairness to your mom, I haven’t checked my work e-mail in three days. Now– Number two, and more importantly, what I do know from being a cop for 20 years is that crazy people love tin foil. You don’t need to tell your mother. I’m just telling you so you know that is a fact. An old cop told me that. Always carry tin foil in your squad car. If you come across someone who’s mentally ill and having a psychotic break or maybe someone in a drug frenzy, you just tear off a piece of tin foil, you calmly walk over and go, ‘Make a hat,’ and the whole situation–” They drive to Florida ’cause my mom won’t fly anymore. The fear of flying has literally gone over the edge with her. It started years ago. And I do feel sorry for people who have that fear, ’cause it is real. And you see people at airports. You can always tell. ’Cause their hands, their palms are real sweaty. They’ll talk to anyone. God forbid the time of departure changes. Then they completely unravel. They’re like, “This is it. I think this plane’s broken, and they’re gonna fly it. Don’t you?” “Yeah, I do. Today is the day. American Airlines is gonna go, ‘Fuck it. Give it a whirl. I don’t care.’ Wha– Every part can’t be that important.” But it’s weird to me that strangers– There will always be a stranger who will say to another stranger, “Oh, you shouldn’t have a fear of flying, because I’ll tell you what, you have a better chance of being in a car crash than you do of being in a plane crash.” And I wanna say, but I won’t ’cause it would be mean, “Yeah, but you have a much better chance of getting in a forgettable car crash than you do of being in a forgettable plane crash.” There’s no way you’re gonna be in a plane crash, go to work on Monday, and then Wednesday look at somebody you work with and go, “Oh, shit, did I forget to tell you? On the way home from Milwaukee, my plane crashed. I don’t know if you saw that on CNN. I was the lady running through the cornfield. My hair had caught on fire because I’m near-sighted and I’d lost my glasses in the turbulence. I actually ran towards the explosion versus away from the explosion. That’s why I called in sick yesterday ’cause… my head hurt ’cause it had been on fire.” I fly every week, and I’ve never even thought about what if something happened to the plane until missing Malaysian Flight 370, which I am admittedly obsessed with. My youngest brother, who I talk to almost every day, has banned me from speaking about it. He goes, “Seriously, Kathleen, if you bring it up, I’m gonna hang up. It’s been almost two years. I don’t wanna hear anything that you’ve read on the Internet. I don’t wanna hear what you and your drunk friends decided happened to it. I–” He goes, “You’ve never been obsessed with a plane crash.” “Ah, ah, ah. What is the problem with that sentence, Pat? You just said ‘plane crash.’ We don’t know if this plane crashed, do we?” That’s– That’s why I’m obsessed with it. About seven months ago, they found a wing of a Triple Seven in the Indian Ocean. That’s what that plane was, a Triple Seven. And they sent that wing to the French. I do not know why the French are in charge of science. I’d have given it to the Germans. But whatever. They actually came out and said, “Well, yeah, um, this definitely is the wing of a Triple Seven, but we cannot confirm it’s missing Malaysian Flight 370.” “Well, has anyone else called… Lost and Found… looking for a wing?” They found another little piece, like, three days ago. But all it says is that– It just says, “Do not step here.” So it could be that or a ladder. Who kno– Nobody– Nobody knows. I watched every minute of the coverage, and my brother goes, “I don’t get it.” I go, “Because it’s the biggest news story of our lifetime, Patrick.” I’m sorry. I’ve assumed my entire life that when we bought a ticket in an airplane to go over a large body of water, I thought the whole time we were up here, someone smarter than us on the ground at all times knew where the fuck we were. I did. I believed that. Yeah, well, that’s certainly not the case. Cat is out of the bag. They got nothing. Boston to Dublin, Texas, when you get there, man. It gets a little weird after Nova Scotia. They don’t tell people that. As soon as you get a Guinness, give us a holler and let us know everything’s all right. They covered it on CNN for 72 days, and people were complaining it’s too much coverage. I’m like, “No, it’s not. This is wonderful.” ’Cause they have no new information, so now they just have to make up conversation. It got to the point where the experts were, like, building paper airplanes, going, “Okay, here’s what I think happened, all right? It was windy. Come on. Turn on the fan. Stay with me, Bob. Somebody put water in the trash can. That’s my ocean. Come on.” But I watched it, because every day they would go live to the city of Kuala Lumpur to a Hilton hotel for a press conference from the Malaysian Airlines spokesman. I have never felt so sorry for any individual in their job. Because every day he had no new information. And he had to face a ballroom full of Chinese people. ’Cause there were 239 missing people. Most were Chinese. Their families have been flown in. He couldn’t even make eye contact. He would just come out and go, “Brrrr. Ah, ha, yeah. Well, uh, once again, I have new no information on Flight 370. It’s a very bad situation. We cannot find our airplane. We have called Australia. They’re gonna help us look for our airplane. Sometimes you lose something. You can’t find it, and you have to ask for help. ‘Hey, have you seen my keys?’ That’s the kind of situation. Sorry.” Then he would leave. I’m like, “This is a real airline. They’re open. Today. I check every day. I google. This is a real working airline.” And the Chinese people were so kind, I thought. Like in patient. He would come out day after day. There’s nothing. There was very little reaction. Week three he came out. “Ah, brrrr. Ah, yeah, once again, I have no new information on flight. We still cannot find our airplane. It’s a really, really, really bad situation. We do know this now though. We have been looking in the wrong ocean. Ha ha!” What? What? What? What? “Ah, yeah, that ocean wrong. Maybe now over here. We’re gonna look over here in this ocean.” What? The wrong ocean? That is an acceptable statement in the year 1492 regarding a boat. “I don’t know where it went, man. I told you the world was flat. Maybe it just fell off. I don’t know.” That is not an acceptable statement in the year 2014. Unbelievable. And once again, the Chinese people, they just didn’t really react. And I thought, “Oh, my God. That’s– That’s the day where my Irish temper– Every– Every single valve would have burst.” I could’ve had a can of Aqua Net and a lighter, and that man would have burst into a pillar of fire. A biblical pillar of fire on CNN International. And I would’ve done it knowing full well I’m gonna be arrested and tried for murder, which would’ve been fine. And I would say, “Yes, please let me take the witness stand.” ’Cause I don’t care what question I’m asked. I have a two-word answer. “Miss Madigan, is it true that you took Aqua Net and a lighter into the ballroom?” “Huh. Wrong ocean. Ha!” “Wrong ocean.” Unbelievable. The Chinese people, though, are still pretty kind. Day 72, for those of you who are not obsessed with missing airplanes, um, that’s the last day of hope because the ping device can no longer possibly operate. There’s the black box and then there’s a ping thing that emits a sonar sound. Now, this is assuming one had put batteries in their ping device. Yeah. Google this. About five months ago, they had a little secret announcement ’cause they thought everybody forgot. “Ah, yeah, one more thing. Ha ha. About that airplane. Um, we never had batteries in that. Yeah. Sorry. Well, you know, sometimes at home your remote control, your batteries go dead, and you go to a different remote control, and you take those batteries and you put ’em in this remote control. And then later on, you go for the other old one. You go, ‘Uh-oh. I forgot.’ That’s what happened. Sorry.” They are open. So day 72. At the time the Chinese people don’t know that there’s– They don’t know there’s no batteries. They believe there were batteries in it. He comes out, and I thought, “Whatever you do, just don’t say it the same way. Phrase it differently.” No. No. He came out, “Brrrr. Ah, ha, yeah, once again, I have no new information on Flight 370.” And finally, the Chinese people lost their minds. An old man, like, rolls back, flicked a lit cigarette at that man’s head, live on TV. Sadly, my first thought was, “Wow. You can still smoke inside… in a Hilton in Malaysia.” Note to self: Vacation in Kuala Lumpur. Take different airline. Check Southwest. That airline’s ridiculous. And then the older women started losing it. Like, literally, having heart attacks. 911 is being called. It’s bedlam. They have finally reached their maximum potential of patience. They’re out of it. I happen to be home watching it with my parents. My dad, who does not like public displays of emotion, was like, “Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. They got to get it together. They got to get it together. Do they know they’re on television? Are they aware that people can see?” My mom interrupts with– And I have six siblings. “Well, Jack, you have to understand it’s extra sad for the Chinese people because they only have one child.” I go, “Hold on a second. So are you saying, Mom, it would only be a seventh as sad if I went missing forever?” “Yes, that’s what I’m saying. Yes. You may not wanna hear that, but that’s the truth. I mean, we have six other children. They have children. Your father and I have casino buffet tickets. We are leading a full life.” Yes, you are. Seven kids. It’s too many. Nobody notices though. That’s a good thing. If you’re one of seven, no one notices anything. Like, I’m surprised– I have friends who have one or two kids. They speak to them about their feelings and their thoughts, and they address them individually. ’Cause my friends are like, “Oh, you guys didn’t?” “No.” No. Not with seven kids. There were just announcements made. That’s all. “We’re moving.” “Oh, fuck. What? What? What? When?” “Your mother’s already in the car. I don’t know what’s going on with you people.” Nobody notices when you’re one of seven. Which was fine with me. I didn’t mind that. I would still choose that. But sometimes to the point of, “Really, guys?” I do not watch myself on TV. I was 35 years old, and I walked into my parents’ house, and they somehow had me on their TV, and I looked at it and I go, “Ah. What is wrong with my eye?” My dad goes, “You mean your lazy one?” “What? What?” “Yeah, your right eye. When you get tired or nervous, it twitches and kind of jumps around. You– You don’t feel that happening?” “No. No, I didn’t know. I didn’t know that was happening. How long has that been going on?” “I mean, since you were a baby. I mean, they, uh… told us to put a patch on you, but you can’t have a baby girl pirate. That’s crazy. So, uh… we thought you’d grow out of it, quite frankly, and clearly you have not, Kathleen. So if I were you, before you go on television, I would get a nap or calm down, ’cause it’s–” I didn’t really know how small families worked till I got to go over to other friends’ houses. When you’re in second grade or whatever, my friend across the street, Bob, he would say, “That’s my mom and that’s my sister.” And I’m like, “Well, where is everyone?” Like, I don’t wanna say anything. Maybe there was a house fire or, you know, some sort of tragedy. But this is weird. I think smaller families are kinder. They say kinder things. I don’t know if they mean them, but I heard “I love you” a lot. “I love you.” “love you too.” “Love you more than yesterday.” “Ha! Love you more than tomorrow.” And it’s not even today. I would just stand there paralyzed and uncomfortable. “You guys don’t say ‘I love you’?” “No.” There are nine people in my house. Saying “I love you” would be a sign of weakness. They need to wake up and wonder how I feel about their ass. I’m not giving them that. And at this age if I walked into a room and all my siblings were sitting there and they started to say “I love you,” I’d run out because I would know this is some sort of intervention, and I’m not falling for that. I’m not listening to your dumb-ass sad letter. “Dear Kathleen.” We went to Catholic schools. Uh, yeah, I didn’t mind. [man] Whoo! If I had kids, I would make them go to a Catholic school, ’cause I’ll tell you, the one thing I guarantee you, if you send your kids to a Catholic school, they will never join ISIS. Somebody would’ve said to me at age 18 after all that Catholicism, “Hey, could we talk to you about our religion for a minute?” Ha ha ha ha ha ha! “No, you may not. You are 18 years late to this party, Muhammad. You–” [Kathleen chuckling] I think being Catholic is Christian, but it’s been pointed out to me many times in the South that they’re not the same. ’Cause in the South, they’ll go, “Oh, are you Christian?” I’ll go, “Yeah, I’m Catholic.” “Oh, well, we’re Christian.” “Oh, okay. I thought we said the same thing, but I guess not.” There are differences. The Christians have a direct relationship with Jesus. They speak of it like that. “You know what? Me and my relationship with Jesus. I love Jesus. Jesus loves me.” It’s a direct, very solid relationship with Jesus. And I thought, “Wow. Really? You guys go straight to Jesus.” In a Catholic school, I was given a laundry list of people to contact… before, the nuns said, because otherwise I’m bothering Jesus. “You are gonna call these people, Kathleen, before you bother Jesus. You could start with your guardian angel. He’s got nothing to do 24 hours a day except tend to your needs. If he’s not available, you can speak to the saint in charge of the activity you’re upset about. Every single saint has been assigned an assignment. You can speak to Jesus’ mother if you’d like to. You can give Mary a shout. But you are not to bother Jesus.” Okeydokey. Even if I did something bad, I couldn’t tell Jesus. I had to go to confession. I had to get in a creepy closet with a guy in the dark. And then I had to tell him, and he’s gonna tell a guy. And I wasn’t good at confession because my dad, for many years, was a defense attorney. And starting in second grade, he would tell us all at the dinner table, “I want all of you kids to remember if the police capture you or anyone in a position of authority ask you questions, your response, no matter what, are ‘I do not recall, I need an attorney. I do not recall, I need an attorney.’ Ninety percent of people are in prison because they can’t keep their goddamn mouths shut. Never, ever snitch on yourself.” And then I would go to confession in the closet, and the priest would go, “Kathleen, have you done anything bad? Is there anything you’d like to tell me about?” [Kathleen chuckles] I’m not falling for this. My dad’s probably planted him here. I know– I know what I’m supposed to say. “I’m sorry, Father, but I do not recall and I need an attorney.” “Honey, you’re only in second grade.” “Well, maybe you don’t know this, Father Anthony, but 90% of people are in prison because they can’t keep their goddamn mouths shut. If you’d like some more information on that–” If you’re from a big family, you know you never say anything directly to the sibling that you intend on saying something till you say it to a different sibling. They’ll say it to another, and then eventually it’ll get back to the sibling you intended it to say. I, uh– This year at Christmas, my brother said, “You should be on time because last year you were late.” And he said that our other sister said I ruined Christmas. I go, “Really? Did she say that? I ruined it? I’m calling her.” I go, “Did you say I ruined Christmas?” [scoffs] “Well, I might’ve. I mean, you were late. Everybody knew to get there at 9:30. You didn’t get there until 10:00. The kids were all excited. Everyone was excited. We had to wait ’cause you had to stop–” I go, “Okay, I agree. I was late. I apologize for that. But I would like to point out for the future that I think you and I have very different definitions of what ruining Christmas would be.” To me, ruining Christmas would be if I would’ve walked into Mom and Dad’s house with a 12-gauge shotgun and shot them in the face. I think that ruins Christmas. It ruins the rest of the Christmases after that, ’cause you can’t ever have another Christmas without going, “Oh, my God. Remember that one Christmas when Kathleen went crazy and shot Mom and Dad in the face? It was horrible.” My siblings have tons of kids. They’re everywhere. I don’t have any, and I’m glad I don’t. I don’t have the pressure of naming the kids. That’s awful. My youngest brother, his name is John Patrick Madigan. That’s my dad’s name, and that name has been in our family since 1853, circa Ireland, as far as we can count back. And then my youngest brother knew that they were having a boy, and he called and said, “You know what? I’m not gonna do it.” I go, “You’re not gonna name him John Patrick Madigan?” He goes, “No.” I go, “Well, I’ve never asked you for anything, but I would like to know when and where you’re going to be telling Dad this information, because I’m gonna bring a cooler of beer ’cause that’s how long his answer’s gonna be, Pat, and it’s gonna involve the whole history of Ireland and what’s wrong with English people and they were actually potatoes, but they never gave ’em to the people and Henry VIII. Wha– Why– Why would you pick this fight? Your name is John Patrick Madigan. We call you Patrick. His is John Patrick Madigan. We call him Jack. Grandpa was John Patrick Madigan. We call him– You can call him Fuck Nut. Just name him. This is a crazy fight, in my mind. Don’t– You’d have a better time telling Dad you’re gonna become a woman. Seriously. ’Cause Mom would smooth it over ’cause you’re the baby. Everyone in LA’s doing it. Bruce Jenner. Cher’s son.” I said, “Why? Why, Patrick? Why?” He goes, “You don’t know what it’s like to live with somebody else’s name. Exact same name.” He goes, “You know, I cannot get Direct TV because Dad won’t pay their bill.” What? I go, “They don’t even have Direct TV.” “Oh, no, not anymore. They did. Four years ago.” That’s how long the standoff’s been going on. It’s over a movie that Dad claims he didn’t rent. They’ve paid everything but that charge, but that charge has penalties. So it’s now $287. And I said, “Well, just pay the bill. I’ll pay it.” He goes, “No, I could pay it too. But I can’t pay it ’cause he won’t give me the account information. Because he doesn’t wanna pay it.” I go, “What was the movie, just out of curiosity?” He goes, “Lincoln, starring Daniel Day-Lewis. And if you like to hear that speech, call him, Kathleen.” “Why would I rent Abraham Lincoln? Has something new happened? Do we have new information? Did John Wilkes Booth not shoot Abraham Lincoln? I never ordered goddamn Lincoln . I know it.” I said, “All right. Well, if you’re not gonna do that, what other names were you guys thinking of?” He goes, “Well, a lot. But here’s a little left-field one. Maybe Seamus.” And I went, “Seamus Madigan?” He goes, “Why is that funny to you?” I go, “I don’t know. But we should pay attention to that.” I just laughed for no reason. I go, “I think names have power. If you’re gonna name him Seamus Madigan, I think you should lower all expectations.” Seamus Madigan is a bartender. He always was a bartender. He will always be a bartender. I don’t think he’s gonna be a heart surgeon. And if he was, I wouldn’t let him operate on me, even if he was my nephew. If I was in some emergency room, they came out and said, “Your surgeon, Dr. Seamus Madigan, will be out in a minute,” I would be like, “No, he will not.” And I would wheel my ass down to the Jewish hospital, where there was a nice young man named Sam whose family took education more seriously than beer pong and football. That’s what I would do. I have no kids. I don’t– I don’t want them. I’ve seen what it’s done to some of my siblings. Oh, they’re so tired and cranky. My sister’s normally very happy. Has twins. She looks so tired. I go, “You look really tired.” “You don’t have to say that. I know I look tired. I am tired. I have four-year-olds. Did you know– I thought it was gonna get easier. It doesn’t. The average four-year-old asks 436 questions in a day. Did you know that? And I have two of ’em. And I’m too tired to add 436 plus 436. It’s a lot of questions, Kathleen.” I said, “Do you know why they ask 436? ’Cause you were dumb enough to answer the first question. That’s what led to that line of questioning. You got to shut it down.” If I have ’em, I’d throw ’em in the van in the morning. They’ll ask a random question. “Hey, Aunt Kat, how come their dog gets to be out front and ours doesn’t?” “Fuck if I know.” That’s the answer. Ask Siri. Siri has answers. Aunt Kat, no answers. [Kathleen chuckles] Here’s the biggest reason I would never wanna have a kid. ’Cause I will never again on my own or even assist on installing a car seat. I don’t know how many of you ever had to do this, but if you’re gonna, here’s a few helpful hints. Take the whole day off work, because that’s how long it’s gonna take you. Whatever your favorite alcohol is, have a bucket of it next to that minivan, ’cause you’re gonna stop and have to take drinks and re-read things. If you’re over the age of, oh, I’d say 30, at some point you’re going to become infuriated with Ralph Nader, ’cause he’s the one who started it all. I remember being in grade school and he was on 60 Minutes . “Seat belts. Everybody must have a seat belt. Car seat, seat belts, safety is for life. Head injuries are also for life. I have statistics.” Well, maybe you do, Ralph. I’m sure you do. But so do I. There were seven of us, Ralph. For 16 years, we rode around in the back of a station wagon completely untethered. Completely. And we were in accidents. A lot of them. Especially if my mom was driving. We– Sometimes we got hit so hard, I actually flew to a better seat than I’d originally secured. “Who’s got the window now, jackass?” That’s right. And that was with my parents chain-smoking in the car. Both of ’em. It was so smoky in that car. You could barely see other passengers. Seriously. They way, way back was like Studio 54, because the sun would hit the smoke and create patterns, and then I would draw patterns within the pattern because I didn’t have an iPad, so that’s what I would do to entertain myself. If you’re a woman and you’re gonna install a car seat, I would highly suggest you put on a sports bra, ’cause you’re gonna get hot. You’re gonna be so hot, you’re gonna start inadvertently just tearing off pieces of clothing. And if you’re not careful, you’ll end up like I did, in my sister’s driveway in my regular bra just drinking a beer, staring off into space. And the normally, very friendly neighbors came home. I’m trying to talk to ’em. I don’t know why they’re being so weird. And I’m like, “How you guys doing? Yeah, I know. I just came home. She had twins. I need two of these. I can’t– can’t figure it out. I’m so hot. I’m so hot. I would offer you a beer, but I only have three left. And I’ve made no progress.” So– I just found notes on the back– There’s factory notes that say if you don’t know how to do this, you can take it to the police or the fire department and they’ll install it for you. But unfortunately, I didn’t find those notes till after I already started drinking. So I don’t think it would be a good idea to drive to law enforcement, shit-faced, and two car seats and I don’t have any babies. I mean, It’s just too much to explain, right? Crazy. So this was what I was thinking. I was thinking I might set her car on fire. No, call the fire department, and then after they put the car out, I go, “Hey, since you’re all here, do you think you can give me a hook-up?” [man] Yeah! [chuckles] They’re a pain in the ass, to put kids in them, especially in winter with the coats and 70,000 buckles and the whole thing. And my brother’s kid I thought was big enough to not go in a car seat, and I said, “Do I do him too?” She’s just disgusted with my lack of any parenting knowledge. She goes, “Ugh. 4-foot-10, 80 pounds.” What? “That’s a Missouri state law, Kathleen. If you’re 4-foot-10 or shorter, 80 pounds or less, your ass is in a car seat versus a ticket from the Missouri State Highway Patrol.” I go, “Really, 4’10”? That is excellent news because right now I’m only 5-foot-1. The average woman, due to osteoporosis… in your life, you would have shrunk anywhere from two to five inches. I am not certain. I am bad at math. But I’m pretty sure that puts me back in a car seat. I can’t wait to be back in a car seat. All these nieces and nephews I have will be old enough to drive. I’m gonna do exactly what they do. I’ll call and say I need a ride. Then I’m gonna pack a big bag full of unnecessary, unrelated items that I have to have, or there is going to be a meltdown. Then, like the five and six-year-olds, I’m gonna get in the van and walk, on my own accord, to the very backseat, and I’m just gonna hop up in it like they do and wait for the great buckling. Just sit there. [mouthing words] Then I’m gonna let ’em buckle me in. Then I’m gonna let them pull away. And I’m gonna wait till they drive where it’s somewhere terribly inconvenient to pull over. And I’m gonna start screaming from the back like they do. “My buckle’s too tight!” [gasping] “I’m choking!” [gasping] [chuckles] “I dropped my wine.” [gasping] “I can’t reach my wine.” [chuckling] That’s what I want to do when I’m retired. I just want to drink red wine and watch House Hunters over and over. I love that show. I do. I don’t know why. I don’t even care what houses these people are buying. I’m more interested in their relationships because at least 50 percent of the people shouldn’t even be married, more or less purchasing property together. I saw one in Atlanta. It was a man and a woman. They walked into the house. And the first thing out of the man’s mouth, he goes, “Ah! I can’t live with this backsplash.” Oh, my God, ma’am. You have a much bigger problem than what house you’re gonna buy. You have accidentally married a gay guy. And his boyfriend is not gonna approve of this ugly backsplash when he comes over here while you’re at yoga, aka drinking with your girlfriends on a Thursday. I’m just amazed to, like– In my whole life I’ve never punched anybody, but if I was the Realtors on this show, I would punch at least half of these people– my own clients right in the face. They are so demanding, and they naysay a house right out of the gate. They just walk in and go, “Pah! I can’t live here. There’s no granite countertops.” I’m sorry. Maybe you forgot. You have a budget of $8.00. Maybe… you should be grateful that I’m not showing you a mobile home right now and bragging about the porch that JoJo put on before he went back to prison. What in Christ’s name would make you think you can have granite countertops? And it’s always the meanest lady of any episode who at some point would go, “I don’t know if I want to live here. I don’t see any room for entertaining.” Well, don’t worry, ma’am. No one’s fucking coming over here. You’re the meanest person I’ve ever heard speak English on television. Seriously. But I think over the age of 40, if that’s what I wanna do with my time– Over 40 you can kind of give up. If I just want to drink wine, why not? The dream catcher didn’t catch anything. It’s the third quarter. I’m losing. Just– I do understand– Over 40– I don’t understand young people that kind of give up so early where you can tell they’re just disgusted. They don’t want any more information. They have just had it. Early, like in their 20s. I flew to Norfolk, Virginia. I’ve never been there. I got off the plane. And their airport was themed. I’ve never seen that. And the theme they chose was mermaids. They were everywhere. They were, like, in the carpet, in baggage claim. They’re handing you the luggage. They’re just everywhere. And I went to the gift shop on the way out because I wanted to get water. There’s a girl working in the gift shop. She’s about 25 years old. I said, “Hey, I’m not from here. What’s going on with all this mermaid stuff?” And she said, and I quote, [raspy voice] “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” Wow. Wow. I thought, she truly doesn’t give a shit. She– Bigfoot could’ve been shopping in that gift shop. She’d be like, “I don’t know what your hairy ass is planning on buying, but I close in five minutes, all right? I ain’t scared of you, Mr. Monster Man.” “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” Just so disgusted that I even asked. But then after meeting the mermaid lady, for, like, the next three months no matter what question I was asked, that’s the only answer I would give. I’ll just go, “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” Because it is so confusing and dismissive to the recipient, but it’s so fun if you’re the one saying it. My– My youngest brother, the one who won’t let me speak about Malaysian Flight 370, he helps me with my taxes ’cause if I– Any state you work in you have to fill out their forms even if you don’t get money back. He called about six weeks after I’ve met the mermaid lady, and he goes, “Yeah, Kathleen, I’m trying to do your taxes. I’m trying to get all these states. I think you worked in Wisconsin two times. You should get– They have a state-withholding tax. You’ll be able to get a refund. It’s a 3.8 percent. Ah, da, da. When you got paid, you should’ve been given some forms. Do you know where those forms are?” “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” And I guarantee you, if you say that, the only thing a person will ever say back is, “What?” And then– [mouthing words] That’s what I wanna do. I wanna drink red wine and watch House Hunters . Uh, I don’t usually think I drink too much until you go to the doctor and they have those drinking questions on there. Yeah. Mine, it’s seven and eight. Question 7: Do you drink alcohol? A little tiny box says, “Yes.” Question 8: Do you drink two, four, six or eight drinks a week? “No.” [laughs] No. You are not even in the right ballpark. Jesus Christ. What is this, a Mormon practice? I thought the name said “Fitzgerald.” And I would not be judged on my deviant and abhorring drinking behavior. See other side, parenthesis, arrow. No. If I do feel bad about my drinking, I would come here. ’Cause you guys set a whole new bar. [audience cheering] Uh, or I go to Ireland. I try to go once a year to be with my people. To reset my priorities and my boundaries. I have friends that go to Hawaii every year. They’re like, “We love Hawaii, but you seem to really love Ireland. Do you think we would like it? Do you think they’re similar?” Oh. [scoffs] Well, they’re both an island. Um, Ireland, however, would have no vegetables or sun. I don’t know if those two things interest you, but they are fresh out. It is not a healthy place. That’s why I feel at home there, and that’s why I like it there. It’s sort of the gist. They just don’t really, truly give a shit. On a good level, in a healthy way, they’ve decided to not be healthy. I was in a pub. I ordered roast beef with mashed potatoes, ’cause I love that, and I thought, I’m going to ask, probably the answer is no, but I– The guy was like 80, the bartender. And I go, “Hey, do you guys, by any chance, have any corn?” You would’ve thought I asked for an eight-ball of cocaine. I– He goes, “Corn?” [Irish accent] “No, we wouldn’t have any corn here in the countryside. We probably don’t have any corn in the entire country at the moment.” I said, “Have you ever had corn?” “Yes. I’ve had corn. When I was nine, we traveled to Germany. And I had some corn and I didn’t care for it.” I was like, “Good for you.” He hasn’t had corn in 71 years. And he doesn’t give a shit. And he looks fine. And he’s bartending on a Thursday. The whole pace of Ireland is just slower. But I like it better. It just takes you a while in your American mind to slow down like that. I went– ’Cause they don’t– It’s very– Nobody’s really, you know, fired up on it. I went in a store that said “bagels,” in a little town in the country. I walked in. There’s a lady. And there’s a glass case, and there’s no bagels. And I thought, here we go. Right? I go, “You don’t have any–” I thought maybe they were in the back. “You don’t have any bagels?” “No, I’m afraid we wouldn’t have any bagels at the moment.” “Are you selling any other food right now?” “No. I wouldn’t be selling anything but the bagels, and I don’t have at the moment.” It’s at that point your American brain wants to go, “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” But I would never do that ’cause I’m Midwest polite. I– I said, “Uh, what– Can I ask you a question? Why are you still open? ’Cause you have nothing for sale.” She goes, “I left the door open. First of all, I don’t know where the bagels are. They’re supposed to be here half past 7:00. It’s half past 10:00. I don’t know. Perhaps there’s been an accident on the road. You’ll say a rosary or perhaps a novena tonight for Johnny the bagel man. I left the door open in case I had a nice conversation with someone like yourself.” Oh, my God. I have to now go back to the other bar and order a Guinness in order to fix this conversation in my brain. I love Guinness. That is actually my favorite thing in the whole world. It’s the greatest drink. It’s like somebody had a beer, and then somebody threw a roast beef in the beer, and then somebody put mashed potatoes on top and handed it to you. [man] Whoo! It’s not healthy. But I really don’t care about health either. There comes a point in your life where you’re like, “I think it’s too late.” That’s why I don’t like to watch CNN because Sanjay Gupta, that doctor, comes on, and he is a buzzkill. Every single time he’s on, he’s got bad news about things that can kill us. But it’s things we’ve been doing our whole lives. I’m like, “Sanjay, people watching CNN are most likely over the age of 30. It is too late for us. You, sir, should be on Nickelodeon. Tell the children. Save the children.” It’s too late. I was watching it about two weeks before Thanksgiving. He came on. He’s like, “Uh-oh. Oh, God. Horrible news. Uh, World Health Organization just did a study. And as it turns out, they have decided that processed meats are raising the cancer rates by a much higher rate, specifically bacon.” [audience jeering] Yeah. Yeah, well, that’s right, Wisconsin. That’s– [chuckles] Whoa. I’m like, bacon? I’m sorry to hear that, Sanjay. ’Cause I love bacon. I’ve been eating it my whole life. Sometimes I put it in Bloody Marys. I’ve actually drank bacon. That’s how much– I added it up. In my life, give or take ten, I have eaten 311 pigs. I– I’ve eaten a farm, sir. You can’t fix that with a yoga class. You can’t back that damage up with a walk around the block. And I don’t even go looking for health stuff. I’m not that person where– No. Like the front page of Yahoo. I don’t know. Six months ago it said, “If you’re fair skin with freckles, uh, click here.” Why, I don’t want to click it. You know it’s not good news. They’re not gonna go, “Hey, guess what, freckle people. Y’all won $50. Run on down to the post office and pick up your government check.” No. But I feel like I have to click on it, ’cause it’s a meeting of my people. What if there’s an announcement and I don’t hear it, and I’m the only lady that didn’t know. Look like some sort of jackass. So I clicked on it. Google this. It’s unbelievable. They go, “Uh-oh. Pah, just found this out.” Incoming. Breaking news. If you’re white with freckles, fair skin, and you’ve been drinking orange juice– All of us, our whole lives– or eating grapefruit, they have figured out that when you go outside in the sun, because your skin– It’s so easy to penetrate your skin, that the sun is activating the acid from the grapefruits and the oranges, raising your chances of melanoma by, like, 27 percent. Yeah. So now, I can’t go outside to exercise in the sunshine. Or I will become activated which forces me back into the dark bar… where I can have a Bloody Mary with some bacon in it. [applause] [man] yeah! And I said to my sister, “I would– I would exercise more. But all I do is fly around. I’m just sitting in an airport.” She goes, “You should get a Fitbit.” This is what this is on my arm. It would work better if I charged it properly. But this counts your steps and your miles. And it’ll have your heart rate if you want to enter your food. It’s like this– I go, “Well, maybe I’ll do that. Maybe I’ll get addicted to seeing how many steps I get in a day.” So, from my iPad, on my couch, I ordered the Fitbit from Amazon. I paid the extra money to have it overnighted. So the following day, this was on my porch on my front steps, which I now know is six and a half steps away from my couch. And then I opened it up, and I googled it, ’cause I wanted to know how it work. Really? It can count how far I’ve walked, steps and speed. We can’t find Flight 370, but I’m not supposed to talk about that. Supposed to just let that go. But we have this technology. So I googled, “How does it work?” It works based on this motion from when you’re walking. And then, my Irish jackasses kicked in and I thought, but does it know if my whole body is moving? What if I had a glass of wine and I was going like that? Would it know? The answer is no. It does not know. I drank two and a half miles while watching the last– [applause] Thank you. Two and a half miles while watching the last Republican debate. I know I won’t vote for any politician who says this, uh, at anytime. If they say it. So far four of them have said it. It’s like a hack line they say on the campaign trail. I just find it so cheesy. They’ll go, “People, America is a place where your dreams can come true. I’m here to make your dreams come true. Wouldn’t you like your dreams to come true?” I’m sitting there thinking, “No. No, I don’t.” And the fact that you said that makes me certain you have never drank a box of wine and taken an Ambien. I do not want my dreams to come true. It was horrifying. I did it like six weeks ago. Here was the dream. This is the whole dream. I’m in Alaska, wearing a sombrero. It’s raining Cheetos, but I can’t move my arms. [groaning] Three and a half hours of that. No thanks. And then I turned on late-night TV, and that’s all the infomercials. And there it was, the Sarah McLachlan sad animal commercial. [audience groans] Exactly. I feel the same way. But I’ve seen it like 200 times. And do you know what I’ve done? Honestly? Nothing. And that’s not nice. But that’s the truth. I thought, why don’t I react to this? I can’t get an animal. I’m gone too much, but I could send the money. I think they say like 62 cents a day for the dog or the cat, right? But then I thought, “Well, I don’t know what’s going on there, Sarah, but that kid on the other channel is only 55 cents a day. So maybe your cat’s living a little large, Sarah. Or maybe the child needs a raise. I don’t know, but someone should check that before you start throwing figures like that out at night, late night when all the infomercials are on in a row.” And I thought, this ad doesn’t work on me because it’s so sad, I usually turn it off. Like, you can’t motivate people to action through the emotion of sadness. You need to make people angry or shocked or appalled. That’s what gets people of their ass. You don’t ever see a protest with a bunch of people just laying around crying. No. That’s not going to happen. And I thought, they need to redo this commercial to make a lot more money for the animals. I– This is what I’m doing late night after my Ambien and boxed wine. I’m thinking of how to fix the commercial. And I– I would call Sarah back. She seems like a lovely lady. Call her up in Canada and go, “We really messed up. We need you back down here, and we’re going to reshoot the commercial.” You pay for her to come back to America. You go, “Here’s what’s gonna– Here’s how it’s going to work, Sarah. We’re going to send you out to that song that you wrote, the saddest song ever written on earth.” ♪ In the arms ♪ [yowling] I don’t know what the words are. I think it’s about that cat having pink eye, but I can’t– I don’t know. That one definitely has pink eye. It’s dangerous ’cause it’s gonna hop to the other eye like Bob Costas at the Olympics. It’s– It’s a mess. You got to put hot water on it. And cats don’t like water. I don’t know how you would begin to fix that. But here’s what’s gonna happen, Sarah. You’re gonna walk out to that song that you wrote. Lovely song. And in one hand, you’re going to be holding a beagle puppy. And in the other hand, you’re going to be holding a pistol. Remember, this is for the animals. Stay with me. And then I’m going to need you, Sarah, to say in your oh-so-angelic voice, without laughing– You have to be serious. She’ll go, “Hello. I’m Sarah McLachlan. If someone doesn’t come down here… in the next 45 minutes, I’m gonna blow this beagle’s brains out.” I would be horrified. I’d be like, “Can you Shazam her location? Where is she?” And I would drive down there, and I would take the puppy and kick the gun out of her hand. And where did you even get a gun? You’re Canadian. You’re allowed one bear gun per family, Sarah. That is not a bear gun. You guys have been a lot of fun. If you drank and you’re gonna drive, focus. Don’t be playing with your phone. I am not advocating drinking and driving. I’m not. Drinking and driving is really bad. And it’s really bad– I never thought about this. But I have a friend, who told me to say was a very handsome friend, Rick in Denver, he got a DUI. I never thought about this until he told me what happens. Now when you get taken to jail, they take all your stuff. That includes your phone. And they lock it all in a drawer. Then they come back to your cell and tell you you’re now allowed to make one phone call. [blows air] Well, that’s the problem. ’Cause you just locked my brain in a drawer. I don’t know anybody’s phone numbers by heart anymore. Seriously, I don’t. I don’t know what I– What– What would you do? I know the number of the house I grew up in. I could call that family… and hope that they were really nice people. “Don’t hang up. Don’t hang up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I’m in so much trouble. I know you guys are kind of busy in Ferguson. Do you have $2,800?” Then I thought, seriously? They wouldn’t let you look at your phone? He goes, “Kathleen, you don’t get it. No, no.” I go, “I think that’s being stringent. You’re not a murderer. You’re not a rapist. You’re Drunky the Clown. You’ve been captured. You can’t hurt anybody. They wouldn’t even show you your contacts?” “No.” I thought, especially if I had been drinking, that’s when my jackass behavior would kick in. And I would say, “Okay, I’m ready for my call.” I let them bring me the phone, and my one call, I would call 911 from the cell. [chuckling] “Hello. Oh, yes, this is absolutely an emergency.” [blows air] “Well, I have been kidnapped. That’s what’s going on here. I was abducted by two men in matching outfits. And I was thrown into what I can only surmise right now is some sort of sex dungeon.” [chuckling] “No, I’m not laughing. No, I’m not laughing. My location? Well, that actually is kind of funny. If– If you would just glance down the hall. Ha ha!” All right, you guys, thank you so much. I’ve had a great time. Thank you for coming out. We appreciate it. Lew too. Thank you. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Thank you, guys. Thank you. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-where-was-i-transcript/ | Trevor Noah: Where Was I (2023) | Transcript | trevor noah | [lively music playing] [announcer] Detroit, give it up… for Trevor Noah! [audience cheering] What’s going on, Detroit? Oh! How you doing tonight, everybody? How you doing? Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for coming out. Look at this. What a night. What a feeling. Here we are. Detroit, Michigan. We made it. [audience cheering and applauding] I’ve really been enjoying it. I’m enjoying everywhere, honestly. I’m having more fun in my life now than I think I’ve ever had. I’m enjoying America more now than I’ve ever, ever enjoyed it. Every day. I don’t even know what it is. I think it’s… You enjoy a place differently when it might be ending, you know? It just has a… It has a different feeling to it, like… “Mmm, what is that taste?” “The final season? Mmm-mmm-mmm” ‘Cause you never know with America. You really never know. Every day is the best day, and possibly the last day. I’m having an amazing time, I truly am. This year was such a blessing, because… I got to travel around the world, doing shows in places I had never performed before. Places I’ve always wanted to do comedy, I’ve always wanted to try it out. I did shows in Berlin, Germany, for the first time ever. That was really amazing. I won’t lie, people freaked me out before I went there. Similar to Detroit, where people are like, “Oh, watch out, Detroit.” People were like that with Germany as well. Like, when I was going to Berlin, people were like, “Dude, Germany?” “Do they even laugh?” I’m like, “What do you mean? They’re human beings.” “I don’t know, man. Do they laugh?” People got to me. At a point when I was heading to Germany, I was like, maybe Germans just sit in the audience, like, [in German accent] “Uh-huh. Ja, ja, uh-huh.” “That was a comedy show.” [normally] But they don’t. They laugh. They’re actually great audiences. I had an amazing time in Berlin. It’s a city that sneaks up on you, because it’s… It’s so culturally diverse. You know? It has a burgeoning art scene. Fantastic music. The history… The history in Berlin is truly deep and rich. I love traveling and seeing places whenever I’m in certain cities and in Berlin, I went out with a tour group and I had a great time. But I wish someone had warned me how painful a lot of Berlin’s history is. ‘Cause that was basically the headquarters of the Nazi Party. So everything ties back to Hitler. I didn’t know this. I thought we’re going on a cute little tour. I ask a lot of questions. I’m curious. This brought the mood down. We’re out and about. The tour guide was doing his schtick. He was happy as well. [in German accent] “Here, behind me, you can see, this is one of the largest airports that was ever built in the world.” “Ja, it is a world famous airport here in Berlin, and it is so large that we were able…” “They filmed the Hollywood movie The Hunger Games inside this airport.” “Ja, any questions?” [normally] I said, “Yeah. Wow. How old is this thing?” [in German accent] “This is almost 100 years old.” [normally] And I’m like, “Damn! Who built it?” [in German accent] “Yeah. That is the unfortunate part of the… of the story here.” “This airport was built by, uh, Hitler.” [in normal voice] I could see I’d messed things up. I tried to bring the mood up. I was like, “Which Hitler?” He says, [in German accent] “Which Hitler?” “Which other Hitler is there?” I was like, “Could be Henry Hitler.” “Henry Hitler?” “Who the hell is Henry Hitler?” I was like, “You don’t know Henry Hitler?” It didn’t work. Like, “Yo, man.” It was tense, but it was good. And what I mean by good… It was nice to be in a place where people don’t bury their history. What I mean by that… [audience applauding] What I mean by that is that when you travel through Germany, even if you don’t go to museums, you cannot escape the past of both Berlin and what Germany did. There are monuments scattered throughout the city. Prominent monuments. They are memorializing what Germany did to millions of Jewish people and other people around the world. You see it, you understand it, they talk about it. They teach their kids about it. They teach children in school. They’re like, “Hey, this is what Germany did.” They make sure they know. But they don’t make them feel guilty about it. Which is an amazing balance for them to strike. They’ll say to the kids, they’re like, “Hey, kids. I hope you understand.” “Germany did this.” “You’re not responsible because you weren’t there.” “However, because you’re the future of Germany, it’s your responsibility to make sure this doesn’t happen again.” [audience cheering and applauding] You know, what I loved about being in Germany when they were talking about their history is how forthright they are about it. They know it’s painful. They know that it’s a terrible blight on who they are, but they don’t hide from it. When I saw them doing this, I went, “Man, I wish America did this with history.” You know? ‘Cause you… You ever see how awkward it is, speaking about history in America? It gets tense. Doesn’t matter what history it is. It gets tense. Columbus Day is one of those days. Every year in New York, there’s a fight. Here in Detroit, there was a fight. There was a bust of Christopher Columbus, was around for 110 years. At a point, half of Detroit was like, “We need to get rid of it.” The other half said, “Don’t get rid of it.” It was a huge fight. New York, same thing, every year. Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples’ Day. Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples’ Day. There was an interview on the news I saw once. [chuckles] It wasn’t supposed to be funny, but I found it funny. The reporter went to a guy and asked, “What will you be doing for Indigenous Peoples’ Day?” He was like, [Italian-American accent] “It’s Columbus Day, I’m sick and tired of people coming in and changing the name.” “We’re proud of that day.” “It’s Christopher Columbus. Columbus Day. It’s not gonna change.” “In fact, how would you feel if somebody came along, took something that’s been around for a long time, and just decided to switch it and call it something else?” “Huh? How would you feel?” [in normal voice] I was like, “But, sir, isn’t that the spirit of Columbus Day?” I’ll be honest. I’m not a big fan of Indigenous Peoples’ Day. The title, I don’t like… I think it’s a cop-out. I don’t think it’s specific enough. It’s lazy. “Indigenous Peoples’ Day.” Which Indigenous people? Where? How? Give me something. You know what I liked about Columbus Day? It’s that it was specific. Yeah. It was a specific, inspiring story of a man by the name Christopher Columbus who believed, against all odds, that he could sail the wrong way around the world and get to India from the other side. Nobody believed in him. Yeah. He said, “I’m gonna do this.” They said, “You can’t do it, Chris.” He was like, “I will.” They’re like, “You can’t do it!” He said, “I will!” They said, “You can’t!” And he raised money, he fought for years, he finally got the ships. And he sailed the wrong way around the world and he didn’t do it. Not only did he not land on the other side of India, he found himself in a place called the Caribbean. And he was like, “This is India.” And the people went, [in Caribbean accent] “I don’t know if you’ve been eating some of the herb we’ve been leaving about, but this is totally not India.” He was like, “This is India and you guys are Indians.” They’re like, “Brother, we are not Indians.” He’s like, “I know Indians when I don’t see them.” “You’re Indians, just on the far side.” “So you’re West Indians.” And he stuck with it. Christopher Columbus stuck with it his entire life. Other explorers would come to him like, “Yo, Chris.” “I don’t think you made it to India.” He’s like, “It’s India.” They’re like, “I don’t think it’s India.” He’s like, “It’s India.” He died refusing to acknowledge the possibility that he never made it to India. Not only that, my friends, he never set foot in America, ever. Ever. And yet, he had a public holiday named after him in America. That, my friends, is the inspiring story of how white men can fail up. Do you know how much confidence you have to have to pull that off? Nobody else. That is white man confidence. Nobody else possesses that level of confidence. Go the wrong way. End up in the wrong place. Call the wrong people the wrong name and be like, “I’m right.” “Give me a holiday.” No one else can do that. That is the level of confidence we should all aspire to, is white man levels of confidence. Women couldn’t pull that off. If a woman said, “I’ll sail the wrong way around the Earth.” They’ll be like, “Burn her. She’s a witch!” You think people of color could pull that off? You think Black people could? Wow, really? Like he was gonna sail around the world the wrong way around. Get to the place they’re not supposed to be. Probably get arrested for trespassing. Like, “What are you doing here?” [in African-American accent] “My bad, I thought I was getting to India.” “Man, I don’t know what I was thinking.” “We should’ve never messed with ships. It never turns out good.” “I apologize. I apologize, man.” “This won’t happen again.” Why would you wanna bury your history? There’s so much joy and so much to learn. You know? It feels like America is moving in that direction. It wants less and less of its history, less and less context. You look what’s happening with textbooks. Places like Florida, they wanna ban textbooks or cut out the parts of the textbooks that have slavery in the books. And now parents are fighting. They’re like, “No, no, take the slavery out. It’s making the kids feel bad.” Other parents are like, “Keep the slavery in.” “It teaches children.” And they’re fighting back and forth. I’m like, “Why?” You don’t need to be fighting about… No one should be fighting about this. Kids don’t read textbooks. They watch TikTok. If you wanna get to the kids, that’s where you gotta be. ♪ There was slavery ♪
♪ Ships came ♪
♪ Yeah… ♪ I’ll be honest. I don’t think that textbook thing is like a real issue. I feel like it’s one of those manufactured issues that often happens in America that gets people riled up and gets them fired up, fighting about something that was never an issue to begin with. I say this because that’s honestly what I believe. I feel like in America, politicians have done a really good job of tricking Americans into fighting about issues that were never an issue to begin with, so that you don’t pay attention to the issues that actually are. You know? If you’re fighting about what’s in a textbook, you don’t pay attention to the fact that inflation is out of control. You don’t pay attention that rents are out of control. People cannot afford to live anywhere. Salaries have never kept up with inflation. Corporations steal billions and billions of dollars from their employees with no ramifications. You don’t pay attention to any of that. You pay attention to what’s catchy, what’s easy to keep up with. It keeps you going, you know? “Ooh, can trans people use public bathrooms?” “Ooh!” It’s manufactured. Who was dealing with this issue? Honestly. Who was actually dealing with this issue? You know what they did? Some politician figured out, they go, “Here’s a small story affecting a few people in a random place.” “I’ll make it seem like a nationwide issue, then everyone starts fighting.” But who was dealing with it? Who has ever been in a situation where you were in a bathroom, and all of a sudden a skirmish broke out and people go, “Excuse me, is this the gender that you were born with?” “Does it coincide with the sign on the door?” “Is your genitalia matching this?” “Can I see it?” Who’s ever seen that? Nobody. Nobody. But they make us fight about it because it’s catchy. “Who can use which bathroom.” Who cares? Who cares? I mean it, who cares? I know some would be like, “Trans people care.” They wanna know if they can use a public bathroom. Yeah, use whichever bathroom you want. Who’s gonna stop you? No, seriously, it’s a public toilet. Who is going to stop you? You tell me who’s gonna enforce that law? We can’t even enforce the idea that people should shit into the toilet. But you think magically they’re gonna figure out if you were born this way. Use whichever one you want. Why are we wasting our time? Other people are like, “We’ll fight because you gotta know who’s…” Let me tell you something. If you are spending enough time to know the genitalia of the other people in a public bathroom, you’re the creep. I’m worried about you. There is a simple rule to every public toilet around the world. And that rule is, you get in, pay no attention to anyone else, hold your breath and you get out. Quit standing around staring at other people. Every man in this room knows when we use the toilet, we get in, public toilet, you stare dead ahead, you pee, do your thing. Do not look to either side. If you’re fidgety, look up, look down. You do not look at anyone else. The guy next to you can start choking. You don’t turn your head. You don’t shake, you don’t move. You hear him, like… [mimics choking] You be like, “Hey, man, hey. Hey.” “Hey, you all right? Yo, yo.” “Hey, man, you okay?” “Yo, yo. You want me to call… Hey, man, are you okay?” [mimics choking] “You wanna call… “”Don’t look at me!” What are we doing? What are we fighting about? Public bathrooms. If you know your history, you know this happens all the time in America. It happens over and over and over again. There was a time when women had to fight to use public bathrooms in America. Imagine that. There was literally a time when women weren’t allowed to use public bathrooms all across America and they had to fight. And there were men who were angry. They were like, “This is crazy.” “You’re gonna have women in public bathrooms? That’s insane!” “How does it work, huh?” “What, they’re gonna come in there while we’re peeing?” “And then what? They’re gonna look at our wieners?” “And they’re gonna laugh, huh?” Think about this, ladies. There was a time when women were first allowed to step into the workplace, where there were no public bathrooms they could use. So, ladies, if you were out and about back then, you needed to pee, you needed to poo, you had to go home. Yeah. And I say poo theoretically, I don’t know if you actually do. No, I don’t think any guy does. Let’s be honest. We don’t. We assume this on a biological level, but I don’t know for certain that any woman actually… In fact, any man in here, think of any woman in your life. Do you know the last time she pooed? I don’t think you know. I don’t think you know. There is no forensic evidence to back up that claim. There is no smell. There is no stain. There is no nothing. Ladies, I don’t know who does your bathroom PR, but they are doing a stellar job. Stellar job. Women go to the bathroom, smells better when they come out of it. How? You never know when a lady is pooing. Never. Because also, women keep the same amount of time. That’s the most impressive thing. You give nothing away. Yeah, a woman’s gonna go pee, it takes ten minutes. She goes to the bathroom. All right. Gets there, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, comes out, washes her hand, powders her face, texts on the phone, comes back to the table. You have no clue. Yeah. She’s gonna go poo, same thing, ten minutes. Goes to the bathroom, pellets, pellets, pellets, comes back out. Wash her hands, powder the nose, text her friends. Get back out there. You have no clue. With men, you know exactly what we’re doing. Discretion is not our forte. You know when every single man is gonna go pee. Why? Two minutes. Off to the bathroom, we’re in there. Quickest thing ever. It’s like a NASCAR pit stop. Yeah, we get in, we pee, we come back out, act like we’re washing our hands and we’re back. How do you know when we take a dump? ‘Cause it’s obvious. We go to the bathroom, never come back. That’s the last time you’ll ever see us. Your family’s putting up wanted posters in the restaurant. “Have you seen this man?” Imagine, people were fighting about bathrooms every time in America. Every time. There was a time when Black people had to fight to use public bathrooms. Huh. Same thing. Black people were like, “Why can we not use public bathrooms?” And again, people were angry. “This is crazy.” “You’re gonna have Black people in this in a public bathroom?” “How does that even work, huh?” “So what? They’re gonna be standing there while I pee, huh?” “They’re gonna be looking at my wiener? Huh?” “And they’re gonna laugh? Huh?” I’m old enough to remember when there was a discussion in America about whether gay people could use public bathrooms. This was an actual topic of discussion. I remember people on the news being interviewed. “Do you think gay men should be allowed into the same bathrooms as straight men?” They’ll be like, “I don’t mind what they do, if they keep it to themselves, that’s fine.” “But just answer me this. Answer me this. How is it gonna work?” “So what? You’re in the bathroom with them and then what?” “He’s gay and I’m just standing there and I’m peeing, huh?” “And he’s looking at my wiener? Huh?” “And then he grabs it, huh?” “And he starts yanking on it, huh?” “He just starts tugging away and I get hard and I’m enjoying it, huh?” “And then this is one of the best experiences I’ve ever had, huh?” “And then I start coming back weekly hoping I’ll bump into him and I do, huh?” “And then at some point we agree to meet outside, a nice little restaurant that’s cozy and get to know each other, huh?” “And then a few years later, we get married and our families are joined and we live happily ever after?” “Is that what you want?” Wow. Public bathrooms. It’s why you shouldn’t bury your history. If you know what’s happened, you know what to predict. You understand why it happened in the first place. Germany does that in a truly astounding way. It will never be perfect. But Germany is one of the only countries in the world that has actively paid reparations for what they did. One of the only countries in the world that has actively apologized and one of the only countries in the world that’s set about changing how they see themselves and how the world sees them. After World War II, Germany changed a bunch of laws. They changed the iconography of the country. What you could hang, where you could hang it. They changed their national anthem. Yeah, imagine that, they changed the national anthem. They felt that the national anthem was a nationalist song that the Nazis used to inspire people to think the wrong things. They changed it. The original song was called “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles.” You’ve probably heard it in old movies or whatever. The song went like… [singing in German] And translated into English, it means… ♪ Germany, Germany over everything ♪
♪ Over everything in the world ♪ And clearly they meant it. Yeah, where most anthems are theoretical, the Germans are precise. But after World War II, they were like, “We can’t have that same attitude.” And so they changed the anthem. And new lyrics. The new lyrics are… [singing in German] Which translated into English is… ♪ Unity and rights and freedom ♪
♪ For all the people who live in Germany ♪ Which… Which is adorable. It’s adorable. They may as well have made the song… ♪ Sorry, sorry We’re so, so sorry ♪
♪ Sorry, sorry, sorry for what we did ♪ I appreciate that they did it, but I wouldn’t have gone that far. I won’t lie. I wouldn’t have gone that far. I think über alles is terrible. That’s not a good way to think. But you still gotta have a bit of kick in your anthem. You still gotta have a… I would’ve found a middle ground. Mine would have been… [in German] ♪ Germany Germany, somewhere… ♪ [in English]…in the top five. [in German] ♪ Not over everything in the world ♪ [in English] ♪ Because we are definitely In the top five ♪ ♪ When you think about it ♪ ♪ America’s number one ♪ ♪ And then you have Great Britain And then you have France and Spain ♪ ♪ And then we are at number five… ♪ Actually, Spain is not better than us. ♪ So we are number four ♪ ♪ Number four in the… ♪ Yeah, but France, their economy is not that strong. ♪ So, maybe we are number three In the world ♪ ♪ Then you have England above… ♪ Oh, wait, oh, Brexit was not a smart idea. ♪ So maybe if we are number two And America is number… ♪ Oh, the elections are not that stable. So… Then maybe we are über alles of the world! [chuckles] [in normal accent] It’s one of the biggest things they did, and nobody knows that they did it. I was chatting to a German guy. And he was perplexed by this. Absolutely perplexed. He said… [in German accent] “In Germany we’ve done so many things.” “The national anthem was a big change for us.” “I’m sure the whole world talks about this.” [in normal accent] I said, “Nope.” [sighs] He was like, “What do you mean?” “What do you mean? Who doesn’t talk about it?” I was like, “Nobody. Nobody talks about it.” “Who’s nobody?” I was like, “Nobody. No one.” “No one outside of Germany even knows this.” “How can they not know?” I was like, “What do you mean?” “It’s German. No one speaks German outside Germany.” “How would anyone know?” “Also, you guys did something weird.” “You changed the lyrics, but you kept the beat.” It’s a strange move. [in German accent] You’re like, “This song is terrible, and we’re changing it.” “Ja. What about the beat?” “No, we are keeping that ’cause I’ve learned all the moves. Ja.” [normally] That’s probably why most people don’t know it changed. You’ve kept the beat. Most people don’t know the lyrics. We just know the beat. No one knew Michael Jackson was saying, “You’re a vegetable.” None of us knew that. Some of you are like, “When did he say ‘vegetable’?” Been singing it your whole life… ♪ You’re a vegetable ♪ No one knows lyrics. We just know the beat. That’s what Germany did. It’s weird. It’s weird to not change the music. ‘Cause the music comes with emotion. I was trying to explain this to him. He didn’t get it. And I realized, you know what it’s like. What Germany did, it would be like if in Star Wars, right? You know Star Wars. All right, let’s say, Darth Vader. Whenever Darth Vader came into a scene, whenever he landed on one of those planets, you always knew something was about to go down, something bad, because he had his music. All right? The music told you what was gonna happen. The ship would land… [imitates whooshing] Door would open… [imitates electric hum] And he’d be standing there. [imitates strained breathing] But he would never… He would never come into the game without his song playing. Never. He’ll be there, DJ on the side, like, [mimics Darth Vader] “DJ, play my jam.” [imitates record scratching] [mimics “The Imperial March”] “That’s right.” “Uh-huh.” And then you knew it was about to go down. Get down there… [mimics Darth Vader] “Kneel before me, Jedi.” [in high-pitched voice] “We’ll never kneel before you.” [mimics lightsabers whooshing] “You cannot defeat me.” “He’s so strong. I don’t know if we’re gonna win.” [mimics Yoda] “Defeat him, we shall.” [continues mimicking lightsabers] “Use the Force, we will.” [mimicking Darth Vader] “Ahh, you have defeated me!” “We did it, Master Yoda! We did it! “We defeated Darth Vader!” [mimics Yoda] “Indeed, we have.” “What do we do now?” “Free the Empire, we shall.” “Travel around, the good news we shall spread.” “Let’s do it.” “Yes, a new song we shall play.” [mimics “The Imperial March”] “You’re free.” [mimics “The Imperial March”] [in normal voice] It’s weird. It’s still impressive, though. Still impressive. Changing your national anthem is no small thing. It truly isn’t. Changing anything. We were having this conversation. And afterwards, he said something interesting, he’s like, [in German accent] “Because we saw how Germany had to change how it saw itself in order to change what it did, it’s why we changed the anthem.” I was like, “That’s powerful.” He’s like, “Do you think America would ever change…” I was like, “Don’t even finish that sentence.” “You don’t even finish that sentence.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned, America hates change. Whoo! America does not like change. You wanna change the things Germany changed? The money, the flags, the anthem. Are you kidding me? Remember when they tried to change the $20 bill? Remember that? They said they’d put Harriet Tubman on the bill. People got so angry, they postponed it indefinitely. People were furious. “What are you doing?” “We’re putting Harriet…” “How dare you?” “How dare you take an American president off the $20?” “How dare you take…” “Who’s on the $20?” “How dare you take Andrew Jackson off the $20 bill?” “They’re just putting Harriet Tubman on the front, and Andrew Jackson will be on the back.” “You’re putting an American president on the back? On the back?” “That’s disrespectful!” It’s not, really. If you know your history, you would know, Andrew Jackson would love to be on the back side of a Black woman, so I don’t know why you’re so stressed. I feel like everybody wins. People were furious, though. And now you’re gonna suggest changing the flag? Suggest changing the anthem? Whoo! There’s two things I’ve learned, living in America. It’s you respect the flag and you respect the anthem. I don’t know what it means. But I follow the rules. I say I don’t know what it means is because it’s confusing. You’ll meet people like, “You respect the flag!” and I get it. But then I’ll see those same people on July 4th, and they’ll be wearing the flag as underwear. Does that count? And you looked up and you were like, “That flag, these balls.” I would never suggest changing any of it. The anthem? Oh, no, never the anthem. Even though it could. Maybe it could do with a little change. It is a very violent anthem. And America struggles with violence, Maybe like a softer… It’s a violent anthem. It’s the only anthem I’ve ever heard that has bombs blowing up in it. Yeah. There are bombs and rockets in your national anthem. It’s like a Michael Bay movie in a song. Everything blowing up in slow motion. [imitates explosions] It’s almost like you’re threatening other countries as well. It’s like, “Yeah, bombs bursting and rockets were flaring.” “Try us.” It’s like a gangster rap, to be honest. It really is. The American anthem is like a gangster rap. It has all the same elements. It has the violence, it has the threats. You know how it’s similar to a gangster rap? The American anthem is the only anthem where you can put the word “bitch” at the end of any line and the song still makes sense. ♪ Gave proof through the night ♪
♪ That our flag was still there ♪
♪ Bitch ♪ I love the American national anthem, I won’t lie. It’s exciting, and I know all the words. I didn’t try, but I know them. It’s one of those songs that you hear so much that you know it. Sort of like ♪ Nationwide is on your side ♪ Same… Same thing. Don’t wanna know that. Don’t need to know that. Wish I could reclaim the space in my brain, but it’s there. America’s national anthem is like that, ’cause you hear it so much in America. Now, this is the only country I’ve ever ever lived in where you play the national anthem when there is no other country in attendance. It would be like basketball games, football games, beer pong games, national anthem. Which I know is normal if you’ve lived in America all your life. “What other way is there, Trevor?” I’ll tell you… I’ll tell you as somebody who comes from the rest of the world, that’s not a thing. It’s not. Most places in the world, you play the national anthem maybe once a year, on a national event, or when you’re competing against another country. Then you play it. ‘Cause the other country is there and you have to prove to your country that you’re loyal. That’s why you sing the song. ‘Cause countries are very insecure. You have to reassure them. Constantly reassuring. They should go to therapy, deal with their attachment issues, but they don’t. You only realize how insecure countries are when you leave your country. Have you ever left and come back? Have you seen the questions your country asks you? So insecure, so jealous. Just like, “Where have you been, huh?” “Where have you been? Which countries?” “So what? You have another country now?” “Is that what you’re doing, huh? Huh?” “Which stamps are these? Let’s see who’s been stamping your passport.” You’re like, “Damn, country. Let me get my privacy.” That’s why you only sing the anthem when there’s another country attending. The only time you do it. That’s what it’s for, to make your country feel good. All right? You know what national anthems are? National anthems are the geopolitical equivalent of that thing women do to us men. Like, ladies, you know that trick you have for that man in your life? Like, whenever his ego is bruised, and you have to you try and heal it. Every woman in this room has a trick that works on every man. And right now, I know a lot of the women are like, “Shut up, Trevor!” “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” It’s a beautiful, subtle technique. Yeah, you’ll be out having lunch or something, and some guy will come up to the table. He’s buff, works out, you know, looks really good. He’s like, “Oh, my God, Michelle? Michelle?” Like, “Oh, Justin? Oh, my God.” “Wow. How are you?” And you’re like, “Who the hell is Justin? What’s going on?” He’s like, “This is crazy. Twice in two weeks?” And you go like, “Twice? When was once? Who is this?” “I know. Oh, my God. How are you?” “I’m doing good. We gotta catch up. We gotta talk about college.” “I was thinking about it. We were so crazy in college.” “You remember that night?” “You went to college? What’s going on?” She can feel your ego slowly withering like a raisin in the sun. And she won’t look at you. She won’t make it a big thing. She’ll continue the conversation. But they’ll gently just put their hand on your thigh. And then just start rubbing it. She’ll carry on like nothing’s happening. “I know, those were crazy. I was a cheerleader. What are you gonna do?” “It’s just one of those.” And the hand is going, “Shh. Shh, shh, shh.” “Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay.” “It’s okay, you’re a big man. Big man.” “Strong man. That’s right.” “There’s no other man in the world. Just you. Look at you. Wow.” “What a big man. Yeah.” “Who, this guy? I don’t even know who he is.” “Yeah, no, with his muscles.” “Oh, I don’t like muscles, no.” “I hate muscles. They’re disgusting.” “Look at him, all working out and everything’s in shape and bulging.” “No, it’s disgusting.” “What, six-packs? No, I don’t want a six-pack.” “I don’t like six-packs. That’s why I like you.” Boop! That’s what a national anthem is. You reassuring your country. The American anthem is such an interesting one. You know? Everything that represents America is the anthem. America has the most fun anthem rules in the world. Only country in the world where you’re allowed to sing the anthem however you want. However you want. You can’t do that anywhere else. Everywhere else, the anthem is the way it is written. It’s boring, and that’s the point. You can’t just change it. In America, you can do whatever you please. I noticed it the first time. The first time I noticed it was at a basketball game. It was the New York Knicks against the Toronto Raptors, right? And because the Raptors are from Canada, they had to play two national anthems before the game, which is rare. And so we’re in the arena and then the voice comes on. “Ladies and gentlemen, please stand for the Canadian national anthem.” And everybody stood, and then they just played, like, a tape somewhere. [chuckles] You could tell they didn’t care. And it was the song, the Canadian song. It’s always the same. ♪ O Canada… ♪ [humming gibberish] ♪ And something, something Brings us back to… ♪ [singing “Do-Re-Mi”] ♪ Do-do-do-do… ♪ [chuckles] You know the song, man. I don’t have time for that. Whatever. They sang the Canadian anthem. They were done. The announcer came back, “And now, ladies and gentlemen, please stay standing for the American national anthem.” And that’s my favorite part. Yeah, the lights will go dark. Someone walks to the middle of the arena. It’s always so intense, complete silence. [slowly] ♪ O say ♪
♪ Can you ♪
♪ See ♪
♪ By the dawn’s early light ♪ [vocalizing off-tune] [vocalizing droning] ♪ What so proudly we hail’d… ♪ Why are you trying to make the anthem sexy? What are you doing? I never understand that. Why are you trying to make it a sexy song? You’ll never be in England and see someone like, “Remix!” ♪ God save God save the Queen ♪
♪ God save the Queen I save the Queen with sexy sex ♪
♪ Save the Queen Let’s save the Queen ♪
♪ With sexy sex Come on, save that Queen ♪ Oh, man. So, Germany was fun. And then we headed to Paris, France, to do shows for the first time in my life, I was very excited. I always wanted to perform in Paris. Didn’t know what it would be. But can I tell you? Paris is everything they tell you it is. It is easily one of the most romantic cities I have ever been to in my life. I fell in love 1,000 times. I was by myself. It didn’t matter. Yeah. Every night, it was just me and those bedbugs, baby. I really enjoyed Paris because I got to meet Parisians. In person. Not stereotypes, not things you’re told about. No, actually meet French people, learn about them from them. And I learned some truly amazing things. For instance, the French have a very different relationship with work than the rest of us, all right? In that they don’t give a shit about it. Which, honestly, I found inspiring. Yeah. I feel like a lot of us have become a little too attached to our work, you know? We identify with our work. Ever asked somebody like, “Tell me about yourself”? “I’m an architect…” “Tell me about yourself.” “I own a hair salon and…” “Tell me about yourself.” “I’m a teacher…” “Tell me about yourself,” and people will tell you about what they do. You know, it’s become the thing that people focus on. The French don’t do that. No. You’ll never meet a French person who does that. You go up to a French person and be like, “Excuse me. What do you do?” Be like, [in French accent] “Oh, me? I go for walks with my friends and, uh… I like to eat good food and…” [in normal voice] You’re like, “No, what do you do for a living?” “For a living? Pardon.” “Okay, for a living.” “Okay, no, I, uh, breathe and, uh…” “You know, I drink water and, uh, you know…” “Of course, I have to make love, you know.” [in normal voice] It’s just a different way to be, man. You know, not being so attached to your work. It was lovely. I learned this because when I flew to Paris, my luggage was lost. All right? Yeah. Landed in the airport, and bags were gone, didn’t arrive. I discovered this at the carousel, which is a shitty thing that airlines do to you. They know your bags are not coming. Yeah, they know where your bag is every single moment. But they don’t tell you. They’ll let you stand there like an idiot with hope in your heart. They could come to your seat before take-off and be like, “It’s not coming.” “Spoiler alert.” But they don’t. [chuckles] They let you take off with all that joy like an idiot. Whee! I landed in Paris. Thought it was the beginning of a great trip. I was skipping around. I had my full-luggage swag, “I’m going get my bags, go into Paris, start exploring.” Got to the carousel. I was like, “Mmm-mmm, full luggage swag.” “That’s right. Let me get my luggage, everybody.” I was like, “Excuse me.” “Make space, please.” “I would like to lean over the carousel.” “Makes the bags come quicker.” “Come on, lucky bag.” I had full luggage swag. Bags started coming out and I was standing there, judging them. “Ha-ha! Who still uses Samsonite?” [laughs] “Ah! Where’s my bag?” Bags going around, going around, and then new bags stopped coming out. I started worrying. Then there were fewer and fewer bags. And I was like, “Oh, my bag…” “My bag’s not coming.” And I realized my bag hadn’t arrived. It was terrible. I had the same feeling, the same feeling I had as a child when my mom would forget me at school. Exactly the same. Standing at the carousel, felt like I was ten years old again, like… [exaggeratedly imitates a child crying] [sobbing] “No, Mr. Wilkinson, it’s fine, you can go.” “My mom’s going to come. Don’t worry, you can go home.” “She’s coming. She wouldn’t forget me.” “No… She’s…” “She’s probably dead somewhere right now.” “She’s probably in a ditch lying dead.” [in normal voice] She forgot me. She’d forget me occasionally. And then I’d have to walk home. It was like an hour walk. [laughs] And I’d get home, and she’d always have the same reaction when I walked in, ’cause she worked from home. She’d have a little computer where she’d be typing away, and I’d walk into the house and I’ll close the door like… Always the same reaction, she’ll be like… [gasps] “No, no, no, no, no, baby, no! No, no, no, no! Oh!” “What time is it?” And I’ll be like, “It’s too late.” I’m not going to lie. I hated being forgotten at school, but I savored those moments. ‘Cause it wasn’t any sweat, to be honest. I liked walking. It’s not like I was stressed on the walk. I’d be kicking stones, singing on the way back. I’d get to the house and be like, “No, wait a minute. Hmm.” I loved it ’cause that was the one moment when I was allowed to give my mom unlimited attitude with no repercussions. None. ‘Cause when I was a kid, you couldn’t give attitude to your parents. I wasn’t a white child. You know what I mean? You couldn’t… I had to watch myself. But when she messed up, ooh, I loved it. She’d be like, “Can you forgive me, baby?” I’ll be like, “I’ll think about it.” Now I had to find somebody to help me. I look around, there’s an older French gentleman standing on the side, gray hair, rosy cheeks, short little guy with glasses. So I walked over to him. And he was wearing a red vest. And in French, it read “Information,” and then underneath in English said, “Information.” I was like, “Phew!” “Ah. Bonjour. Hello. Hi.” He’s like, “Hello. Bonjour.” I said, “English, French?” Said, “English, yeah, oui.” I said, “Could you help me, please?” “Um… My, um… My luggage didn’t arrive.” “Um, I would like to know, what do I need to do?” He’s like, “There’s your luggage… It didn’t come…” [incoherent English in French accent] [in normal voice] I was like, “Okay.” Um… “All right.” “Let’s try French.” “Let’s, uh, see what happens.” Finally, we figured it out. He sent me off to a special area where you go and make a report. There’s another French guy behind the counter, much younger. He was maybe Algerian or Moroccan of descent. Very French, very French. Cool guy. He’s helping somebody. “Okay, thank you very much. Next, please.” I walk up, “Hey, man.” He’s like, “What’s going on, my brother?” “How are you? What’s up with you?” I was like, “I need your help, please.” “My luggage, um, it didn’t come. It’s, uh, lost.” He’s like, “Oh, no, dude, your luggage didn’t come.” “Oh, man.” “Did you look for it?” I said, “What? Yeah, that’s the first thing I did.” “You think I’m here for company?” “Of course, that’s…” He’s like, “No. Just checking.” “So, the bag is gone? It’s totally…” I’m like, “Yeah.” He’s like, “Oh, man, that sucks, man, I’m so sorry for you, man.” “That’s terrible.” “Yeah. So, what do you want to do now?” “What do I want to do?” I said, “I would like you to do something.” “Can we make a report or something?” “You want to make some paperwork or something?” “It’s for your for your insurance so they can pay you for it?” I said, “No, it’s so that you can find it and bring it to me.” He’s like, “Oh, don’t worry, man.” “We are not going to find it.” “No, man.” “Don’t worry about that.” “No. You know, it’s Paris, man.” “When the bags are gone, they’re probably gone.” “They don’t ever pop up. Sometimes, if you’re lucky.” “But if it is not here by now, it’s probably gone.” “It’s Friday. There are some strikes. Just…” “You can leave. Don’t stress yourself. You can go.” It’s like, “Don’t even stress…” “Yo, It’s my luggage.” “That’s all my clothes.” He’s like, “But you are in Paris.” “You need clothes? This is Paris, man.” “Come on, Paris, go and buy some clothes.” “What’s wrong with you, man? Chill.” He was so confident, he made me feel like I was wrong. Like, I doubted myself. I walked away and I was like, “Am I wrong?” “Am I too attached to my luggage?” He wasn’t lying. Paris has a great selection of clothing. I had to go and buy clothes because I had nothing for my shows, for anything. And if you ever do go to Paris, take some extra money for the clothes shopping. It’s amazing. And try and also pack an extra pair of self-esteem. Yeah, you’ll need it when you shop with the French. ‘Cause they’re not your friends. Yeah. I’ve never been to a country where you are truly on your own when you’re shopping. You walk into a store, nobody helps you. Nothing. You don’t know who works there, who’s doing anything. Literally, it’s like Undercover Employee. Just walking around. [chuckles] It was 20 minutes, nobody helped me. Finally I started picking my own clothes, and I heard an annoyed voice behind me. “Can I help you?” I was like, “Hi. Yes. I need to get clothes, please.” “My luggage was lost.” And then, Detroit, I got roasted more than I’ve ever been roasted in my life. Ever. Ever. Everything I chose came with a scathing review. I was like, “Yeah, could I please, um, get this in a medium?” He was like, “Medium? No, you mean large or extra-large, no?” “Yeah, no, this one is medium for your body?” “I don’t think so, no?” I was like, “I’m sorry, what?” He’s like, “I think you’re a large. I can bring that one for you.” “Medium is too much for the shirt, okay?” [chuckling] I’m like, “What?” Yo, everything, everything. There was a jacket I wanted to buy. “Could I get this?” He’s like, “No, this one for your skin tone is not great.” “No, You have to think about what is complementary for the colors inside the fabric and also inside your face, okay?” “This one is not the best.” I was like, “Yo, I already own something like this.” He’s like, “Ah, and you’re wearing it?” “Well, not anymore.” “No, you can wear it if you want.” “C’est tranquille. Go ahead.” “No, you threatened me now.” You know what? It’s just different. A friend said to me, “Dude, the French are assholes, right?” I was like, “I don’t think that they’re assholes.” “I think they’re just very honest.” All right? It’s hard to tell the difference between the two. ‘Cause one day I was speaking to a French woman and I worked up the courage to ask her, I said, “Hey, um…” “Why are the French… like this?” And she said, “What do you mean?” I said, “When you’re in a store, they seem very mean.” “No, they’re not being mean. They’re just being themselves, no?” “Maybe because you are used to coming in a country where people, they are so afraid that you’re not going to tip them, that they are all on top of you.” “‘Can I help you? Can I help you?'” “But in France, we make sure that everybody is getting a good salary.” “A good wage.” “So we are not, you know, so stressed about that.” “In America, it’s like, ‘The customer is king.'” “But in France, you know what we do to kings.” “So, you know…” “It’s not the same here.” The French don’t play that game. You’ve been so much fun tonight, Detroit. Thank you. [audience cheering] Thank you so much. Proved me right. This is why you go to Detroit. For real. It’s an amazing audience. Beautiful, diverse. And the city’s been cool, too. We’ve been seeing a few things here and there. I had a fight with my friend Dave. He directs these specials and he said to me one day, “Yo, what are you doing during the day?” And I was, “Might go eat, do something.” He’s like, “Dude, why don’t we go check out all the museums in Detroit?” I was like, “Maybe like one.” He said, “What do you mean, one?” I was like, “Yeah, not all. What do you mean, all?” He’s like, “Dude, have you been here before?” “You know how many amazing museums they got?” “Yes, but it’s still a museum.” “I’ll do like one, and that’s it.” “I don’t have that much stamina. I can’t do as many as you.” “What do you mean you can’t do as many as me?” “Dude, because you’re white, like, you enjoy doing that.” And I was just joking. I was just teasing him. Just teasing him. He got so offended so quickly, right? [laughs] He’s like, “What did you say?” “Because you’re…” He’s like, “Dude, white people don’t love museums.” “What are you even talking about?” “Like, museums aren’t even in the top five things white people love, okay?” He said it with such confidence. and with such conviction, I was like, “What is the top five?” ‘Cause what a strange… “That’s not even in the top five.” Like, in his bedroom, he has a list on the wall of the top ten things. [laughing] It was amazing. I thought about it. I was like, “No, it is.” “I stick with my decision.” Museums would be. ‘Cause, no, it’s not even a bad thing. White people love museums. A lot of people enjoy museums, but white people love museums. Love museums. There’s not a single place on Earth where white people have settled and not built a museum. It doesn’t matter. White people love museums. You ever seen white people in a museum? Walking around smiling with their hands behind their back? “Yep, that was us.” “That was us, too.” “It’s been a good run.” White people love museums. I wouldn’t put it at number one, but it’d be in the top five. I thought about it. If there were top five things white people love, I’d put museums at number five. At number four, I’d put swimming. All right? ‘Cause white people love swimming. Nothing wrong with that. Have you seen white people swim? You look stunning. Stunning. When white people swim, you do that thing with your hair. You come out of the water, like… [imitates whooshing] Just go perfectly back like a duck. I would love swimming, too. White people love swimming. White people love swimming so much, that they made it that you can win more medals at the Olympics, swimming, than any other discipline. Yeah, that’s how much white people love swimming. I realized this one day. There was an argument going on about who the greatest Olympian of all time is. And the final two was Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt. And then one of the arguments was, “Well, Michael Phelps is better because he has more medals.” And I was like, “Yeah, because he cheated.” “He won them swimming.” I’m not saying Michael Phelps is not great. I’m saying you can’t count the medals in the argument. Because in swimming it’s the only discipline where you win more medals for doing the same thing in a slightly less efficient manner. It makes no sense. Think about it. It’s like, “100-meter freestyle.” [imitates beep] [panting] Done. Gold medal. Yeah. And now this. Another medal. Yeah. And this one? Another medal. But what about this one? Another medal. That’s some bullshit. I don’t care what anyone says. You can’t win more medals. Usain Bolt doesn’t have that luxury. When Usain Bolt runs, it’s the 100-meter and it’s done. “On your marks, set…” Run, run, run, run. Get to the end, win, gold medal. That’s it. He can’t turn around like, “Amazing race. And now I’m going to do it butterfly style.” It’s not a thing. I mean, it should be, but it’s not. White people love swimming, so they made up the rule. I get it. It would have to be, yeah. Of my top five things, I’d go museums at number five, swimming at number four. Number three, being flabbergasted. White people love being flabbergasted. Come on. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Have you ever seen when a white person’s having a bad day, something’s gone wrong, they do that thing with their face, get flabbergasted like… White people love being flabbergasted. You’ll see it in supermarkets all the time. There’s like a long line. All right? But only one cashier is open. [chuckles] Everyone’s standing patiently. There’s always one white person who pops out like… “Why don’t they open the other…” “Are you serious?” “What are they… Are you…” The only thing white people love more is finding another white person to flabbergast with. Have you seen that? Yo, whenever that happens, magic. It is absolute magic. A white person will be flabbergasting. They’ll make eye contact with another white person, and then they’ll flabbergast together. It’s like they Voltron their flabbergasting into a super flabbergast. You see them look over. “You see this?” “I know.” [sighing] That’s one of the keys to flabbergasting. You have to exhale. Let it all out. Life is so hard that the air has to leave your body. You can no longer even breathe. [sighing heavily] That’s why there’s so many tornadoes in the Midwest. It’s just white people flabbergasting… [sighing vigorously] White people love being flabbergasted. Has to be. Has to be top five. That would be my list. Top five things white people love. I’ve got museums at number five. All right, swimming at number four. Being flabbergasted, number three. Number two, being white. It’s a sweet gig. I don’t blame you. And then there’s number one. And look, this is my personal list. I’m not dictating anything. If you don’t agree, make your own, right? It’s a personal preference. But there is one thing, and one thing alone, that white people love more than anything on this planet. “Sweet Caroline.” Let me tell you something, Detroit. There is nothing that brings more joy to the soul of a white person than the sounds of that Neil Diamond song. I don’t care where it is. I’ve been on every continent, in many countries. When that song plays, you see white people’s eyes light up… like sleeper agents who’ve just been activated. It happens every time, without fail. Every single time. It’s not about music, other songs will be playing. They’ll be at a cookout or a baseball game, a company event. All the other songs are in the background. They pay them no heed. But when that song kicks in, it taps into the very DNA of whiteness. I don’t know what it is. But it interrupts everything else. You’ll see white people hanging out. They’ll be like, “Yeah, business, mergers and acquisitions.” “It’s one of those things.” “I know, we should circle back.” “Let’s put a pin in it.” [blabbering] And that song comes in, and every single time… You think it won’t happen. It always creeps in. It always seems like it won’t happen. But it’s always the same, just like… ♪ Hands, touchin’ hands ♪
♪ Reachin’ out, touchin’ me ♪
♪ Touchin’ you Pum, pum, pum ♪
♪ Sweet Caroline ♪ [audience humming the tune] See, I didn’t tell you to join in. I didn’t say, “All together now.” Or, “On the count of three.” That was just your whiteness coming out. Did you feel that? Huh? That was just you. You were like, “This is it!” “This is our moment!” ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ I’m white, white, white, white ♪ ♪ White, white ♪ Look at you right now. You’re beaming! Look at your face. Look at you. Look at that joy. Ten minutes ago, “I don’t know about this guy.” Now you’re like, “Best comedian ever!” Don’t ever lose that joy. None of you white people. You hold on to it. It is a treasure. It is the most adorable thing in the world. Nothing makes white people happier than that song. Nothing. That song is pure, uncut Caucasian joy. That’s what that song is. White people cannot resist it. Yeah, forget 23andMe. If you want to know how much white you have in you, play that song. The louder you respond, the whiter you are. I just saved you some money. There’s no white person I’ve seen… It is the Marco to your Polo. That’s what that song is. I’ll tell you, if there was ever, like, a giant earthquake, God forbid, and people were trapped beneath the rubble, I’d volunteer to find all the white people. I’ll be like, “You guys find everybody else.” “I got this. I got this!” ♪ “Sweet Caroline” ♪ “I found another one!” “You okay, man?” [coughs to the beat of “Sweet Caroline”] Right now some of you are like, “Trevor, we like that song, but it’s not the most important to us.” Yeah? Then how come you didn’t help me sing the anthem? Detroit, you have been amazing. Thank you so much. I had such a great time with all of you. I appreciate you. Good night. [“Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond playing] ♪ Where it began ♪
♪ I can’t begin to know when ♪
♪ But then I know it’s growing strong ♪
Was in the spring… ♪ [music stops] [sighs in relief] [man] How’d we do? It works every time, Neil Diamond. [chuckling] All right. It works every time. [chuckles] ♪ Sweet Caroline Pum, pum, pum ♪
♪ Good times never seemed so good ♪
I’ve been inclined ♪
♪ To believe they never would ♪
♪ But now I look at the night ♪
♪ And it don’t seem so lonely ♪
♪ We fill it up with only two ♪
And when I hurt ♪
♪ Hurtin’ runs off my shoulders… ♪ Thank you so much. That was fantastic. Thank you so much. ♪ Sweet Caroline… ♪ | [audience cheering] What’s going on, Detroit? Oh! How you doing tonight, everybody? How you doing? Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for coming out. Look at this. What a night. What a feeling. Here we are. Detroit, Michigan. We made it. [audience cheering and applauding] I’ve really been enjoying it. I’m enjoying everywhere, honestly. I’m having more fun in my life now than I think I’ve ever had. I’m enjoying America more now than I’ve ever, ever enjoyed it. Every day. I don’t even know what it is. I think it’s… You enjoy a place differently when it might be ending, you know? It just has a… It has a different feeling to it, like… “Mmm, what is that taste?” “The final season? Mmm-mmm-mmm” ‘Cause you never know with America. You really never know. Every day is the best day, and possibly the last day. I’m having an amazing time, I truly am. This year was such a blessing, because… I got to travel around the world, doing shows in places I had never performed before. Places I’ve always wanted to do comedy, I’ve always wanted to try it out. I did shows in Berlin, Germany, for the first time ever. That was really amazing. I won’t lie, people freaked me out before I went there. Similar to Detroit, where people are like, “Oh, watch out, Detroit.” People were like that with Germany as well. Like, when I was going to Berlin, people were like, “Dude, Germany?” “Do they even laugh?” I’m like, “What do you mean? They’re human beings.” “I don’t know, man. Do they laugh?” People got to me. At a point when I was heading to Germany, I was like, maybe Germans just sit in the audience, like, [in German accent] “Uh-huh. Ja, ja, uh-huh.” “That was a comedy show.” [normally] But they don’t. They laugh. They’re actually great audiences. I had an amazing time in Berlin. It’s a city that sneaks up on you, because it’s… It’s so culturally diverse. You know? It has a burgeoning art scene. Fantastic music. The history… The history in Berlin is truly deep and rich. I love traveling and seeing places whenever I’m in certain cities and in Berlin, I went out with a tour group and I had a great time. But I wish someone had warned me how painful a lot of Berlin’s history is. ‘Cause that was basically the headquarters of the Nazi Party. So everything ties back to Hitler. I didn’t know this. I thought we’re going on a cute little tour. I ask a lot of questions. I’m curious. This brought the mood down. We’re out and about. The tour guide was doing his schtick. He was happy as well. [in German accent] “Here, behind me, you can see, this is one of the largest airports that was ever built in the world.” “Ja, it is a world famous airport here in Berlin, and it is so large that we were able…” “They filmed the Hollywood movie The Hunger Games inside this airport.” “Ja, any questions?” [normally] I said, “Yeah. Wow. How old is this thing?” [in German accent] “This is almost 100 years old.” [normally] And I’m like, “Damn! Who built it?” [in German accent] “Yeah. That is the unfortunate part of the… of the story here.” “This airport was built by, uh, Hitler.” [in normal voice] I could see I’d messed things up. I tried to bring the mood up. I was like, “Which Hitler?” He says, [in German accent] “Which Hitler?” “Which other Hitler is there?” I was like, “Could be Henry Hitler.” “Henry Hitler?” “Who the hell is Henry Hitler?” I was like, “You don’t know Henry Hitler?” It didn’t work. Like, “Yo, man.” It was tense, but it was good. And what I mean by good… It was nice to be in a place where people don’t bury their history. What I mean by that… [audience applauding] What I mean by that is that when you travel through Germany, even if you don’t go to museums, you cannot escape the past of both Berlin and what Germany did. There are monuments scattered throughout the city. Prominent monuments. They are memorializing what Germany did to millions of Jewish people and other people around the world. You see it, you understand it, they talk about it. They teach their kids about it. They teach children in school. They’re like, “Hey, this is what Germany did.” They make sure they know. But they don’t make them feel guilty about it. Which is an amazing balance for them to strike. They’ll say to the kids, they’re like, “Hey, kids. I hope you understand.” “Germany did this.” “You’re not responsible because you weren’t there.” “However, because you’re the future of Germany, it’s your responsibility to make sure this doesn’t happen again.” [audience cheering and applauding] You know, what I loved about being in Germany when they were talking about their history is how forthright they are about it. They know it’s painful. They know that it’s a terrible blight on who they are, but they don’t hide from it. When I saw them doing this, I went, “Man, I wish America did this with history.” You know? ‘Cause you… You ever see how awkward it is, speaking about history in America? It gets tense. Doesn’t matter what history it is. It gets tense. Columbus Day is one of those days. Every year in New York, there’s a fight. Here in Detroit, there was a fight. There was a bust of Christopher Columbus, was around for 110 years. At a point, half of Detroit was like, “We need to get rid of it.” The other half said, “Don’t get rid of it.” It was a huge fight. New York, same thing, every year. Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples’ Day. Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples’ Day. There was an interview on the news I saw once. [chuckles] It wasn’t supposed to be funny, but I found it funny. The reporter went to a guy and asked, “What will you be doing for Indigenous Peoples’ Day?” He was like, [Italian-American accent] “It’s Columbus Day, I’m sick and tired of people coming in and changing the name.” “We’re proud of that day.” “It’s Christopher Columbus. Columbus Day. It’s not gonna change.” “In fact, how would you feel if somebody came along, took something that’s been around for a long time, and just decided to switch it and call it something else?” “Huh? How would you feel?” [in normal voice] I was like, “But, sir, isn’t that the spirit of Columbus Day?” I’ll be honest. I’m not a big fan of Indigenous Peoples’ Day. The title, I don’t like… I think it’s a cop-out. I don’t think it’s specific enough. It’s lazy. “Indigenous Peoples’ Day.” Which Indigenous people? Where? How? Give me something. You know what I liked about Columbus Day? It’s that it was specific. Yeah. It was a specific, inspiring story of a man by the name Christopher Columbus who believed, against all odds, that he could sail the wrong way around the world and get to India from the other side. Nobody believed in him. Yeah. He said, “I’m gonna do this.” They said, “You can’t do it, Chris.” He was like, “I will.” They’re like, “You can’t do it!” He said, “I will!” They said, “You can’t!” And he raised money, he fought for years, he finally got the ships. And he sailed the wrong way around the world and he didn’t do it. Not only did he not land on the other side of India, he found himself in a place called the Caribbean. And he was like, “This is India.” And the people went, [in Caribbean accent] “I don’t know if you’ve been eating some of the herb we’ve been leaving about, but this is totally not India.” He was like, “This is India and you guys are Indians.” They’re like, “Brother, we are not Indians.” He’s like, “I know Indians when I don’t see them.” “You’re Indians, just on the far side.” “So you’re West Indians.” And he stuck with it. Christopher Columbus stuck with it his entire life. Other explorers would come to him like, “Yo, Chris.” “I don’t think you made it to India.” He’s like, “It’s India.” They’re like, “I don’t think it’s India.” He’s like, “It’s India.” He died refusing to acknowledge the possibility that he never made it to India. Not only that, my friends, he never set foot in America, ever. Ever. And yet, he had a public holiday named after him in America. That, my friends, is the inspiring story of how white men can fail up. Do you know how much confidence you have to have to pull that off? Nobody else. That is white man confidence. Nobody else possesses that level of confidence. Go the wrong way. End up in the wrong place. Call the wrong people the wrong name and be like, “I’m right.” “Give me a holiday.” No one else can do that. That is the level of confidence we should all aspire to, is white man levels of confidence. Women couldn’t pull that off. If a woman said, “I’ll sail the wrong way around the Earth.” They’ll be like, “Burn her. She’s a witch!” You think people of color could pull that off? You think Black people could? Wow, really? Like he was gonna sail around the world the wrong way around. Get to the place they’re not supposed to be. Probably get arrested for trespassing. Like, “What are you doing here?” [in African-American accent] “My bad, I thought I was getting to India.” “Man, I don’t know what I was thinking.” “We should’ve never messed with ships. It never turns out good.” “I apologize. I apologize, man.” “This won’t happen again.” Why would you wanna bury your history? There’s so much joy and so much to learn. You know? It feels like America is moving in that direction. It wants less and less of its history, less and less context. You look what’s happening with textbooks. Places like Florida, they wanna ban textbooks or cut out the parts of the textbooks that have slavery in the books. And now parents are fighting. They’re like, “No, no, take the slavery out. It’s making the kids feel bad.” Other parents are like, “Keep the slavery in.” “It teaches children.” And they’re fighting back and forth. I’m like, “Why?” You don’t need to be fighting about… No one should be fighting about this. Kids don’t read textbooks. They watch TikTok. If you wanna get to the kids, that’s where you gotta be. ♪ There was slavery ♪ ♪ Ships came ♪ ♪ Yeah… ♪ I’ll be honest. I don’t think that textbook thing is like a real issue. I feel like it’s one of those manufactured issues that often happens in America that gets people riled up and gets them fired up, fighting about something that was never an issue to begin with. I say this because that’s honestly what I believe. I feel like in America, politicians have done a really good job of tricking Americans into fighting about issues that were never an issue to begin with, so that you don’t pay attention to the issues that actually are. You know? If you’re fighting about what’s in a textbook, you don’t pay attention to the fact that inflation is out of control. You don’t pay attention that rents are out of control. People cannot afford to live anywhere. Salaries have never kept up with inflation. Corporations steal billions and billions of dollars from their employees with no ramifications. You don’t pay attention to any of that. You pay attention to what’s catchy, what’s easy to keep up with. It keeps you going, you know? “Ooh, can trans people use public bathrooms?” “Ooh!” It’s manufactured. Who was dealing with this issue? Honestly. Who was actually dealing with this issue? You know what they did? Some politician figured out, they go, “Here’s a small story affecting a few people in a random place.” “I’ll make it seem like a nationwide issue, then everyone starts fighting.” But who was dealing with it? Who has ever been in a situation where you were in a bathroom, and all of a sudden a skirmish broke out and people go, “Excuse me, is this the gender that you were born with?” “Does it coincide with the sign on the door?” “Is your genitalia matching this?” “Can I see it?” Who’s ever seen that? Nobody. Nobody. But they make us fight about it because it’s catchy. “Who can use which bathroom.” Who cares? Who cares? I mean it, who cares? I know some would be like, “Trans people care.” They wanna know if they can use a public bathroom. Yeah, use whichever bathroom you want. Who’s gonna stop you? No, seriously, it’s a public toilet. Who is going to stop you? You tell me who’s gonna enforce that law? We can’t even enforce the idea that people should shit into the toilet. But you think magically they’re gonna figure out if you were born this way. Use whichever one you want. Why are we wasting our time? Other people are like, “We’ll fight because you gotta know who’s…” Let me tell you something. If you are spending enough time to know the genitalia of the other people in a public bathroom, you’re the creep. I’m worried about you. There is a simple rule to every public toilet around the world. And that rule is, you get in, pay no attention to anyone else, hold your breath and you get out. Quit standing around staring at other people. Every man in this room knows when we use the toilet, we get in, public toilet, you stare dead ahead, you pee, do your thing. Do not look to either side. If you’re fidgety, look up, look down. You do not look at anyone else. The guy next to you can start choking. You don’t turn your head. You don’t shake, you don’t move. You hear him, like… [mimics choking] You be like, “Hey, man, hey. Hey.” “Hey, you all right? Yo, yo.” “Hey, man, you okay?” “Yo, yo. You want me to call… Hey, man, are you okay?” [mimics choking] “You wanna call… “”Don’t look at me!” What are we doing? What are we fighting about? Public bathrooms. If you know your history, you know this happens all the time in America. It happens over and over and over again. There was a time when women had to fight to use public bathrooms in America. Imagine that. There was literally a time when women weren’t allowed to use public bathrooms all across America and they had to fight. And there were men who were angry. They were like, “This is crazy.” “You’re gonna have women in public bathrooms? That’s insane!” “How does it work, huh?” “What, they’re gonna come in there while we’re peeing?” “And then what? They’re gonna look at our wieners?” “And they’re gonna laugh, huh?” Think about this, ladies. There was a time when women were first allowed to step into the workplace, where there were no public bathrooms they could use. So, ladies, if you were out and about back then, you needed to pee, you needed to poo, you had to go home. Yeah. And I say poo theoretically, I don’t know if you actually do. No, I don’t think any guy does. Let’s be honest. We don’t. We assume this on a biological level, but I don’t know for certain that any woman actually… In fact, any man in here, think of any woman in your life. Do you know the last time she pooed? I don’t think you know. I don’t think you know. There is no forensic evidence to back up that claim. There is no smell. There is no stain. There is no nothing. Ladies, I don’t know who does your bathroom PR, but they are doing a stellar job. Stellar job. Women go to the bathroom, smells better when they come out of it. How? You never know when a lady is pooing. Never. Because also, women keep the same amount of time. That’s the most impressive thing. You give nothing away. Yeah, a woman’s gonna go pee, it takes ten minutes. She goes to the bathroom. All right. Gets there, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, comes out, washes her hand, powders her face, texts on the phone, comes back to the table. You have no clue. Yeah. She’s gonna go poo, same thing, ten minutes. Goes to the bathroom, pellets, pellets, pellets, comes back out. Wash her hands, powder the nose, text her friends. Get back out there. You have no clue. With men, you know exactly what we’re doing. Discretion is not our forte. You know when every single man is gonna go pee. Why? Two minutes. Off to the bathroom, we’re in there. Quickest thing ever. It’s like a NASCAR pit stop. Yeah, we get in, we pee, we come back out, act like we’re washing our hands and we’re back. How do you know when we take a dump? ‘Cause it’s obvious. We go to the bathroom, never come back. That’s the last time you’ll ever see us. Your family’s putting up wanted posters in the restaurant. “Have you seen this man?” Imagine, people were fighting about bathrooms every time in America. Every time. There was a time when Black people had to fight to use public bathrooms. Huh. Same thing. Black people were like, “Why can we not use public bathrooms?” And again, people were angry. “This is crazy.” “You’re gonna have Black people in this in a public bathroom?” “How does that even work, huh?” “So what? They’re gonna be standing there while I pee, huh?” “They’re gonna be looking at my wiener? Huh?” “And they’re gonna laugh? Huh?” I’m old enough to remember when there was a discussion in America about whether gay people could use public bathrooms. This was an actual topic of discussion. I remember people on the news being interviewed. “Do you think gay men should be allowed into the same bathrooms as straight men?” They’ll be like, “I don’t mind what they do, if they keep it to themselves, that’s fine.” “But just answer me this. Answer me this. How is it gonna work?” “So what? You’re in the bathroom with them and then what?” “He’s gay and I’m just standing there and I’m peeing, huh?” “And he’s looking at my wiener? Huh?” “And then he grabs it, huh?” “And he starts yanking on it, huh?” “He just starts tugging away and I get hard and I’m enjoying it, huh?” “And then this is one of the best experiences I’ve ever had, huh?” “And then I start coming back weekly hoping I’ll bump into him and I do, huh?” “And then at some point we agree to meet outside, a nice little restaurant that’s cozy and get to know each other, huh?” “And then a few years later, we get married and our families are joined and we live happily ever after?” “Is that what you want?” Wow. Public bathrooms. It’s why you shouldn’t bury your history. If you know what’s happened, you know what to predict. You understand why it happened in the first place. Germany does that in a truly astounding way. It will never be perfect. But Germany is one of the only countries in the world that has actively paid reparations for what they did. One of the only countries in the world that has actively apologized and one of the only countries in the world that’s set about changing how they see themselves and how the world sees them. After World War II, Germany changed a bunch of laws. They changed the iconography of the country. What you could hang, where you could hang it. They changed their national anthem. Yeah, imagine that, they changed the national anthem. They felt that the national anthem was a nationalist song that the Nazis used to inspire people to think the wrong things. They changed it. The original song was called “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles.” You’ve probably heard it in old movies or whatever. The song went like… [singing in German] And translated into English, it means… ♪ Germany, Germany over everything ♪ ♪ Over everything in the world ♪ And clearly they meant it. Yeah, where most anthems are theoretical, the Germans are precise. But after World War II, they were like, “We can’t have that same attitude.” And so they changed the anthem. And new lyrics. The new lyrics are… [singing in German] Which translated into English is… ♪ Unity and rights and freedom ♪ ♪ For all the people who live in Germany ♪ Which… Which is adorable. It’s adorable. They may as well have made the song… ♪ Sorry, sorry We’re so, so sorry ♪ ♪ Sorry, sorry, sorry for what we did ♪ I appreciate that they did it, but I wouldn’t have gone that far. I won’t lie. I wouldn’t have gone that far. I think über alles is terrible. That’s not a good way to think. But you still gotta have a bit of kick in your anthem. You still gotta have a… I would’ve found a middle ground. Mine would have been… [in German] ♪ Germany Germany, somewhere… ♪ [in English]…in the top five. [in German] ♪ Not over everything in the world ♪ [in English] ♪ Because we are definitely In the top five ♪ ♪ When you think about it ♪ ♪ America’s number one ♪ ♪ And then you have Great Britain And then you have France and Spain ♪ ♪ And then we are at number five… ♪ Actually, Spain is not better than us. ♪ So we are number four ♪ ♪ Number four in the… ♪ Yeah, but France, their economy is not that strong. ♪ So, maybe we are number three In the world ♪ ♪ Then you have England above… ♪ Oh, wait, oh, Brexit was not a smart idea. ♪ So maybe if we are number two And America is number… ♪ Oh, the elections are not that stable. So… Then maybe we are über alles of the world! [chuckles] [in normal accent] It’s one of the biggest things they did, and nobody knows that they did it. I was chatting to a German guy. And he was perplexed by this. Absolutely perplexed. He said… [in German accent] “In Germany we’ve done so many things.” “The national anthem was a big change for us.” “I’m sure the whole world talks about this.” [in normal accent] I said, “Nope.” [sighs] He was like, “What do you mean?” “What do you mean? Who doesn’t talk about it?” I was like, “Nobody. Nobody talks about it.” “Who’s nobody?” I was like, “Nobody. No one.” “No one outside of Germany even knows this.” “How can they not know?” I was like, “What do you mean?” “It’s German. No one speaks German outside Germany.” “How would anyone know?” “Also, you guys did something weird.” “You changed the lyrics, but you kept the beat.” It’s a strange move. [in German accent] You’re like, “This song is terrible, and we’re changing it.” “Ja. What about the beat?” “No, we are keeping that ’cause I’ve learned all the moves. Ja.” [normally] That’s probably why most people don’t know it changed. You’ve kept the beat. Most people don’t know the lyrics. We just know the beat. No one knew Michael Jackson was saying, “You’re a vegetable.” None of us knew that. Some of you are like, “When did he say ‘vegetable’?” Been singing it your whole life… ♪ You’re a vegetable ♪ No one knows lyrics. We just know the beat. That’s what Germany did. It’s weird. It’s weird to not change the music. ‘Cause the music comes with emotion. I was trying to explain this to him. He didn’t get it. And I realized, you know what it’s like. What Germany did, it would be like if in Star Wars, right? You know Star Wars. All right, let’s say, Darth Vader. Whenever Darth Vader came into a scene, whenever he landed on one of those planets, you always knew something was about to go down, something bad, because he had his music. All right? The music told you what was gonna happen. The ship would land… [imitates whooshing] Door would open… [imitates electric hum] And he’d be standing there. [imitates strained breathing] But he would never… He would never come into the game without his song playing. Never. He’ll be there, DJ on the side, like, [mimics Darth Vader] “DJ, play my jam.” [imitates record scratching] [mimics “The Imperial March”] “That’s right.” “Uh-huh.” And then you knew it was about to go down. Get down there… [mimics Darth Vader] “Kneel before me, Jedi.” [in high-pitched voice] “We’ll never kneel before you.” [mimics lightsabers whooshing] “You cannot defeat me.” “He’s so strong. I don’t know if we’re gonna win.” [mimics Yoda] “Defeat him, we shall.” [continues mimicking lightsabers] “Use the Force, we will.” [mimicking Darth Vader] “Ahh, you have defeated me!” “We did it, Master Yoda! We did it! “We defeated Darth Vader!” [mimics Yoda] “Indeed, we have.” “What do we do now?” “Free the Empire, we shall.” “Travel around, the good news we shall spread.” “Let’s do it.” “Yes, a new song we shall play.” [mimics “The Imperial March”] “You’re free.” [mimics “The Imperial March”] [in normal voice] It’s weird. It’s still impressive, though. Still impressive. Changing your national anthem is no small thing. It truly isn’t. Changing anything. We were having this conversation. And afterwards, he said something interesting, he’s like, [in German accent] “Because we saw how Germany had to change how it saw itself in order to change what it did, it’s why we changed the anthem.” I was like, “That’s powerful.” He’s like, “Do you think America would ever change…” I was like, “Don’t even finish that sentence.” “You don’t even finish that sentence.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned, America hates change. Whoo! America does not like change. You wanna change the things Germany changed? The money, the flags, the anthem. Are you kidding me? Remember when they tried to change the $20 bill? Remember that? They said they’d put Harriet Tubman on the bill. People got so angry, they postponed it indefinitely. People were furious. “What are you doing?” “We’re putting Harriet…” “How dare you?” “How dare you take an American president off the $20?” “How dare you take…” “Who’s on the $20?” “How dare you take Andrew Jackson off the $20 bill?” “They’re just putting Harriet Tubman on the front, and Andrew Jackson will be on the back.” “You’re putting an American president on the back? On the back?” “That’s disrespectful!” It’s not, really. If you know your history, you would know, Andrew Jackson would love to be on the back side of a Black woman, so I don’t know why you’re so stressed. I feel like everybody wins. People were furious, though. And now you’re gonna suggest changing the flag? Suggest changing the anthem? Whoo! There’s two things I’ve learned, living in America. It’s you respect the flag and you respect the anthem. I don’t know what it means. But I follow the rules. I say I don’t know what it means is because it’s confusing. You’ll meet people like, “You respect the flag!” and I get it. But then I’ll see those same people on July 4th, and they’ll be wearing the flag as underwear. Does that count? And you looked up and you were like, “That flag, these balls.” I would never suggest changing any of it. The anthem? Oh, no, never the anthem. Even though it could. Maybe it could do with a little change. It is a very violent anthem. And America struggles with violence, Maybe like a softer… It’s a violent anthem. It’s the only anthem I’ve ever heard that has bombs blowing up in it. Yeah. There are bombs and rockets in your national anthem. It’s like a Michael Bay movie in a song. Everything blowing up in slow motion. [imitates explosions] It’s almost like you’re threatening other countries as well. It’s like, “Yeah, bombs bursting and rockets were flaring.” “Try us.” It’s like a gangster rap, to be honest. It really is. The American anthem is like a gangster rap. It has all the same elements. It has the violence, it has the threats. You know how it’s similar to a gangster rap? The American anthem is the only anthem where you can put the word “bitch” at the end of any line and the song still makes sense. ♪ Gave proof through the night ♪ ♪ That our flag was still there ♪ ♪ Bitch ♪ I love the American national anthem, I won’t lie. It’s exciting, and I know all the words. I didn’t try, but I know them. It’s one of those songs that you hear so much that you know it. Sort of like ♪ Nationwide is on your side ♪ Same… Same thing. Don’t wanna know that. Don’t need to know that. Wish I could reclaim the space in my brain, but it’s there. America’s national anthem is like that, ’cause you hear it so much in America. Now, this is the only country I’ve ever ever lived in where you play the national anthem when there is no other country in attendance. It would be like basketball games, football games, beer pong games, national anthem. Which I know is normal if you’ve lived in America all your life. “What other way is there, Trevor?” I’ll tell you… I’ll tell you as somebody who comes from the rest of the world, that’s not a thing. It’s not. Most places in the world, you play the national anthem maybe once a year, on a national event, or when you’re competing against another country. Then you play it. ‘Cause the other country is there and you have to prove to your country that you’re loyal. That’s why you sing the song. ‘Cause countries are very insecure. You have to reassure them. Constantly reassuring. They should go to therapy, deal with their attachment issues, but they don’t. You only realize how insecure countries are when you leave your country. Have you ever left and come back? Have you seen the questions your country asks you? So insecure, so jealous. Just like, “Where have you been, huh?” “Where have you been? Which countries?” “So what? You have another country now?” “Is that what you’re doing, huh? Huh?” “Which stamps are these? Let’s see who’s been stamping your passport.” You’re like, “Damn, country. Let me get my privacy.” That’s why you only sing the anthem when there’s another country attending. The only time you do it. That’s what it’s for, to make your country feel good. All right? You know what national anthems are? National anthems are the geopolitical equivalent of that thing women do to us men. Like, ladies, you know that trick you have for that man in your life? Like, whenever his ego is bruised, and you have to you try and heal it. Every woman in this room has a trick that works on every man. And right now, I know a lot of the women are like, “Shut up, Trevor!” “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” It’s a beautiful, subtle technique. Yeah, you’ll be out having lunch or something, and some guy will come up to the table. He’s buff, works out, you know, looks really good. He’s like, “Oh, my God, Michelle? Michelle?” Like, “Oh, Justin? Oh, my God.” “Wow. How are you?” And you’re like, “Who the hell is Justin? What’s going on?” He’s like, “This is crazy. Twice in two weeks?” And you go like, “Twice? When was once? Who is this?” “I know. Oh, my God. How are you?” “I’m doing good. We gotta catch up. We gotta talk about college.” “I was thinking about it. We were so crazy in college.” “You remember that night?” “You went to college? What’s going on?” She can feel your ego slowly withering like a raisin in the sun. And she won’t look at you. She won’t make it a big thing. She’ll continue the conversation. But they’ll gently just put their hand on your thigh. And then just start rubbing it. She’ll carry on like nothing’s happening. “I know, those were crazy. I was a cheerleader. What are you gonna do?” “It’s just one of those.” And the hand is going, “Shh. Shh, shh, shh.” “Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay.” “It’s okay, you’re a big man. Big man.” “Strong man. That’s right.” “There’s no other man in the world. Just you. Look at you. Wow.” “What a big man. Yeah.” “Who, this guy? I don’t even know who he is.” “Yeah, no, with his muscles.” “Oh, I don’t like muscles, no.” “I hate muscles. They’re disgusting.” “Look at him, all working out and everything’s in shape and bulging.” “No, it’s disgusting.” “What, six-packs? No, I don’t want a six-pack.” “I don’t like six-packs. That’s why I like you.” Boop! That’s what a national anthem is. You reassuring your country. The American anthem is such an interesting one. You know? Everything that represents America is the anthem. America has the most fun anthem rules in the world. Only country in the world where you’re allowed to sing the anthem however you want. However you want. You can’t do that anywhere else. Everywhere else, the anthem is the way it is written. It’s boring, and that’s the point. You can’t just change it. In America, you can do whatever you please. I noticed it the first time. The first time I noticed it was at a basketball game. It was the New York Knicks against the Toronto Raptors, right? And because the Raptors are from Canada, they had to play two national anthems before the game, which is rare. And so we’re in the arena and then the voice comes on. “Ladies and gentlemen, please stand for the Canadian national anthem.” And everybody stood, and then they just played, like, a tape somewhere. [chuckles] You could tell they didn’t care. And it was the song, the Canadian song. It’s always the same. ♪ O Canada… ♪ [humming gibberish] ♪ And something, something Brings us back to… ♪ [singing “Do-Re-Mi”] ♪ Do-do-do-do… ♪ [chuckles] You know the song, man. I don’t have time for that. Whatever. They sang the Canadian anthem. They were done. The announcer came back, “And now, ladies and gentlemen, please stay standing for the American national anthem.” And that’s my favorite part. Yeah, the lights will go dark. Someone walks to the middle of the arena. It’s always so intense, complete silence. [slowly] ♪ O say ♪ ♪ Can you ♪ ♪ See ♪ ♪ By the dawn’s early light ♪ [vocalizing off-tune] [vocalizing droning] ♪ What so proudly we hail’d… ♪ Why are you trying to make the anthem sexy? What are you doing? I never understand that. Why are you trying to make it a sexy song? You’ll never be in England and see someone like, “Remix!” ♪ God save God save the Queen ♪ ♪ God save the Queen I save the Queen with sexy sex ♪ ♪ Save the Queen Let’s save the Queen ♪ ♪ With sexy sex Come on, save that Queen ♪ Oh, man. So, Germany was fun. And then we headed to Paris, France, to do shows for the first time in my life, I was very excited. I always wanted to perform in Paris. Didn’t know what it would be. But can I tell you? Paris is everything they tell you it is. It is easily one of the most romantic cities I have ever been to in my life. I fell in love 1,000 times. I was by myself. It didn’t matter. Yeah. Every night, it was just me and those bedbugs, baby. I really enjoyed Paris because I got to meet Parisians. In person. Not stereotypes, not things you’re told about. No, actually meet French people, learn about them from them. And I learned some truly amazing things. For instance, the French have a very different relationship with work than the rest of us, all right? In that they don’t give a shit about it. Which, honestly, I found inspiring. Yeah. I feel like a lot of us have become a little too attached to our work, you know? We identify with our work. Ever asked somebody like, “Tell me about yourself”? “I’m an architect…” “Tell me about yourself.” “I own a hair salon and…” “Tell me about yourself.” “I’m a teacher…” “Tell me about yourself,” and people will tell you about what they do. You know, it’s become the thing that people focus on. The French don’t do that. No. You’ll never meet a French person who does that. You go up to a French person and be like, “Excuse me. What do you do?” Be like, [in French accent] “Oh, me? I go for walks with my friends and, uh… I like to eat good food and…” [in normal voice] You’re like, “No, what do you do for a living?” “For a living? Pardon.” “Okay, for a living.” “Okay, no, I, uh, breathe and, uh…” “You know, I drink water and, uh, you know…” “Of course, I have to make love, you know.” [in normal voice] It’s just a different way to be, man. You know, not being so attached to your work. It was lovely. I learned this because when I flew to Paris, my luggage was lost. All right? Yeah. Landed in the airport, and bags were gone, didn’t arrive. I discovered this at the carousel, which is a shitty thing that airlines do to you. They know your bags are not coming. Yeah, they know where your bag is every single moment. But they don’t tell you. They’ll let you stand there like an idiot with hope in your heart. They could come to your seat before take-off and be like, “It’s not coming.” “Spoiler alert.” But they don’t. [chuckles] They let you take off with all that joy like an idiot. Whee! I landed in Paris. Thought it was the beginning of a great trip. I was skipping around. I had my full-luggage swag, “I’m going get my bags, go into Paris, start exploring.” Got to the carousel. I was like, “Mmm-mmm, full luggage swag.” “That’s right. Let me get my luggage, everybody.” I was like, “Excuse me.” “Make space, please.” “I would like to lean over the carousel.” “Makes the bags come quicker.” “Come on, lucky bag.” I had full luggage swag. Bags started coming out and I was standing there, judging them. “Ha-ha! Who still uses Samsonite?” [laughs] “Ah! Where’s my bag?” Bags going around, going around, and then new bags stopped coming out. I started worrying. Then there were fewer and fewer bags. And I was like, “Oh, my bag…” “My bag’s not coming.” And I realized my bag hadn’t arrived. It was terrible. I had the same feeling, the same feeling I had as a child when my mom would forget me at school. Exactly the same. Standing at the carousel, felt like I was ten years old again, like… [exaggeratedly imitates a child crying] [sobbing] “No, Mr. Wilkinson, it’s fine, you can go.” “My mom’s going to come. Don’t worry, you can go home.” “She’s coming. She wouldn’t forget me.” “No… She’s…” “She’s probably dead somewhere right now.” “She’s probably in a ditch lying dead.” [in normal voice] She forgot me. She’d forget me occasionally. And then I’d have to walk home. It was like an hour walk. [laughs] And I’d get home, and she’d always have the same reaction when I walked in, ’cause she worked from home. She’d have a little computer where she’d be typing away, and I’d walk into the house and I’ll close the door like… Always the same reaction, she’ll be like… [gasps] “No, no, no, no, no, baby, no! No, no, no, no! Oh!” “What time is it?” And I’ll be like, “It’s too late.” I’m not going to lie. I hated being forgotten at school, but I savored those moments. ‘Cause it wasn’t any sweat, to be honest. I liked walking. It’s not like I was stressed on the walk. I’d be kicking stones, singing on the way back. I’d get to the house and be like, “No, wait a minute. Hmm.” I loved it ’cause that was the one moment when I was allowed to give my mom unlimited attitude with no repercussions. None. ‘Cause when I was a kid, you couldn’t give attitude to your parents. I wasn’t a white child. You know what I mean? You couldn’t… I had to watch myself. But when she messed up, ooh, I loved it. She’d be like, “Can you forgive me, baby?” I’ll be like, “I’ll think about it.” Now I had to find somebody to help me. I look around, there’s an older French gentleman standing on the side, gray hair, rosy cheeks, short little guy with glasses. So I walked over to him. And he was wearing a red vest. And in French, it read “Information,” and then underneath in English said, “Information.” I was like, “Phew!” “Ah. Bonjour. Hello. Hi.” He’s like, “Hello. Bonjour.” I said, “English, French?” Said, “English, yeah, oui.” I said, “Could you help me, please?” “Um… My, um… My luggage didn’t arrive.” “Um, I would like to know, what do I need to do?” He’s like, “There’s your luggage… It didn’t come…” [incoherent English in French accent] [in normal voice] I was like, “Okay.” Um… “All right.” “Let’s try French.” “Let’s, uh, see what happens.” Finally, we figured it out. He sent me off to a special area where you go and make a report. There’s another French guy behind the counter, much younger. He was maybe Algerian or Moroccan of descent. Very French, very French. Cool guy. He’s helping somebody. “Okay, thank you very much. Next, please.” I walk up, “Hey, man.” He’s like, “What’s going on, my brother?” “How are you? What’s up with you?” I was like, “I need your help, please.” “My luggage, um, it didn’t come. It’s, uh, lost.” He’s like, “Oh, no, dude, your luggage didn’t come.” “Oh, man.” “Did you look for it?” I said, “What? Yeah, that’s the first thing I did.” “You think I’m here for company?” “Of course, that’s…” He’s like, “No. Just checking.” “So, the bag is gone? It’s totally…” I’m like, “Yeah.” He’s like, “Oh, man, that sucks, man, I’m so sorry for you, man.” “That’s terrible.” “Yeah. So, what do you want to do now?” “What do I want to do?” I said, “I would like you to do something.” “Can we make a report or something?” “You want to make some paperwork or something?” “It’s for your for your insurance so they can pay you for it?” I said, “No, it’s so that you can find it and bring it to me.” He’s like, “Oh, don’t worry, man.” “We are not going to find it.” “No, man.” “Don’t worry about that.” “No. You know, it’s Paris, man.” “When the bags are gone, they’re probably gone.” “They don’t ever pop up. Sometimes, if you’re lucky.” “But if it is not here by now, it’s probably gone.” “It’s Friday. There are some strikes. Just…” “You can leave. Don’t stress yourself. You can go.” It’s like, “Don’t even stress…” “Yo, It’s my luggage.” “That’s all my clothes.” He’s like, “But you are in Paris.” “You need clothes? This is Paris, man.” “Come on, Paris, go and buy some clothes.” “What’s wrong with you, man? Chill.” He was so confident, he made me feel like I was wrong. Like, I doubted myself. I walked away and I was like, “Am I wrong?” “Am I too attached to my luggage?” He wasn’t lying. Paris has a great selection of clothing. I had to go and buy clothes because I had nothing for my shows, for anything. And if you ever do go to Paris, take some extra money for the clothes shopping. It’s amazing. And try and also pack an extra pair of self-esteem. Yeah, you’ll need it when you shop with the French. ‘Cause they’re not your friends. Yeah. I’ve never been to a country where you are truly on your own when you’re shopping. You walk into a store, nobody helps you. Nothing. You don’t know who works there, who’s doing anything. Literally, it’s like Undercover Employee. Just walking around. [chuckles] It was 20 minutes, nobody helped me. Finally I started picking my own clothes, and I heard an annoyed voice behind me. “Can I help you?” I was like, “Hi. Yes. I need to get clothes, please.” “My luggage was lost.” And then, Detroit, I got roasted more than I’ve ever been roasted in my life. Ever. Ever. Everything I chose came with a scathing review. I was like, “Yeah, could I please, um, get this in a medium?” He was like, “Medium? No, you mean large or extra-large, no?” “Yeah, no, this one is medium for your body?” “I don’t think so, no?” I was like, “I’m sorry, what?” He’s like, “I think you’re a large. I can bring that one for you.” “Medium is too much for the shirt, okay?” [chuckling] I’m like, “What?” Yo, everything, everything. There was a jacket I wanted to buy. “Could I get this?” He’s like, “No, this one for your skin tone is not great.” “No, You have to think about what is complementary for the colors inside the fabric and also inside your face, okay?” “This one is not the best.” I was like, “Yo, I already own something like this.” He’s like, “Ah, and you’re wearing it?” “Well, not anymore.” “No, you can wear it if you want.” “C’est tranquille. Go ahead.” “No, you threatened me now.” You know what? It’s just different. A friend said to me, “Dude, the French are assholes, right?” I was like, “I don’t think that they’re assholes.” “I think they’re just very honest.” All right? It’s hard to tell the difference between the two. ‘Cause one day I was speaking to a French woman and I worked up the courage to ask her, I said, “Hey, um…” “Why are the French… like this?” And she said, “What do you mean?” I said, “When you’re in a store, they seem very mean.” “No, they’re not being mean. They’re just being themselves, no?” “Maybe because you are used to coming in a country where people, they are so afraid that you’re not going to tip them, that they are all on top of you.” “‘Can I help you? Can I help you?'” “But in France, we make sure that everybody is getting a good salary.” “A good wage.” “So we are not, you know, so stressed about that.” “In America, it’s like, ‘The customer is king.'” “But in France, you know what we do to kings.” “So, you know…” “It’s not the same here.” The French don’t play that game. You’ve been so much fun tonight, Detroit. Thank you. [audience cheering] Thank you so much. Proved me right. This is why you go to Detroit. For real. It’s an amazing audience. Beautiful, diverse. And the city’s been cool, too. We’ve been seeing a few things here and there. I had a fight with my friend Dave. He directs these specials and he said to me one day, “Yo, what are you doing during the day?” And I was, “Might go eat, do something.” He’s like, “Dude, why don’t we go check out all the museums in Detroit?” I was like, “Maybe like one.” He said, “What do you mean, one?” I was like, “Yeah, not all. What do you mean, all?” He’s like, “Dude, have you been here before?” “You know how many amazing museums they got?” “Yes, but it’s still a museum.” “I’ll do like one, and that’s it.” “I don’t have that much stamina. I can’t do as many as you.” “What do you mean you can’t do as many as me?” “Dude, because you’re white, like, you enjoy doing that.” And I was just joking. I was just teasing him. Just teasing him. He got so offended so quickly, right? [laughs] He’s like, “What did you say?” “Because you’re…” He’s like, “Dude, white people don’t love museums.” “What are you even talking about?” “Like, museums aren’t even in the top five things white people love, okay?” He said it with such confidence. and with such conviction, I was like, “What is the top five?” ‘Cause what a strange… “That’s not even in the top five.” Like, in his bedroom, he has a list on the wall of the top ten things. [laughing] It was amazing. I thought about it. I was like, “No, it is.” “I stick with my decision.” Museums would be. ‘Cause, no, it’s not even a bad thing. White people love museums. A lot of people enjoy museums, but white people love museums. Love museums. There’s not a single place on Earth where white people have settled and not built a museum. It doesn’t matter. White people love museums. You ever seen white people in a museum? Walking around smiling with their hands behind their back? “Yep, that was us.” “That was us, too.” “It’s been a good run.” White people love museums. I wouldn’t put it at number one, but it’d be in the top five. I thought about it. If there were top five things white people love, I’d put museums at number five. At number four, I’d put swimming. All right? ‘Cause white people love swimming. Nothing wrong with that. Have you seen white people swim? You look stunning. Stunning. When white people swim, you do that thing with your hair. You come out of the water, like… [imitates whooshing] Just go perfectly back like a duck. I would love swimming, too. White people love swimming. White people love swimming so much, that they made it that you can win more medals at the Olympics, swimming, than any other discipline. Yeah, that’s how much white people love swimming. I realized this one day. There was an argument going on about who the greatest Olympian of all time is. And the final two was Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt. And then one of the arguments was, “Well, Michael Phelps is better because he has more medals.” And I was like, “Yeah, because he cheated.” “He won them swimming.” I’m not saying Michael Phelps is not great. I’m saying you can’t count the medals in the argument. Because in swimming it’s the only discipline where you win more medals for doing the same thing in a slightly less efficient manner. It makes no sense. Think about it. It’s like, “100-meter freestyle.” [imitates beep] [panting] Done. Gold medal. Yeah. And now this. Another medal. Yeah. And this one? Another medal. But what about this one? Another medal. That’s some bullshit. I don’t care what anyone says. You can’t win more medals. Usain Bolt doesn’t have that luxury. When Usain Bolt runs, it’s the 100-meter and it’s done. “On your marks, set…” Run, run, run, run. Get to the end, win, gold medal. That’s it. He can’t turn around like, “Amazing race. And now I’m going to do it butterfly style.” It’s not a thing. I mean, it should be, but it’s not. White people love swimming, so they made up the rule. I get it. It would have to be, yeah. Of my top five things, I’d go museums at number five, swimming at number four. Number three, being flabbergasted. White people love being flabbergasted. Come on. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Have you ever seen when a white person’s having a bad day, something’s gone wrong, they do that thing with their face, get flabbergasted like… White people love being flabbergasted. You’ll see it in supermarkets all the time. There’s like a long line. All right? But only one cashier is open. [chuckles] Everyone’s standing patiently. There’s always one white person who pops out like… “Why don’t they open the other…” “Are you serious?” “What are they… Are you…” The only thing white people love more is finding another white person to flabbergast with. Have you seen that? Yo, whenever that happens, magic. It is absolute magic. A white person will be flabbergasting. They’ll make eye contact with another white person, and then they’ll flabbergast together. It’s like they Voltron their flabbergasting into a super flabbergast. You see them look over. “You see this?” “I know.” [sighing] That’s one of the keys to flabbergasting. You have to exhale. Let it all out. Life is so hard that the air has to leave your body. You can no longer even breathe. [sighing heavily] That’s why there’s so many tornadoes in the Midwest. It’s just white people flabbergasting… [sighing vigorously] White people love being flabbergasted. Has to be. Has to be top five. That would be my list. Top five things white people love. I’ve got museums at number five. All right, swimming at number four. Being flabbergasted, number three. Number two, being white. It’s a sweet gig. I don’t blame you. And then there’s number one. And look, this is my personal list. I’m not dictating anything. If you don’t agree, make your own, right? It’s a personal preference. But there is one thing, and one thing alone, that white people love more than anything on this planet. “Sweet Caroline.” Let me tell you something, Detroit. There is nothing that brings more joy to the soul of a white person than the sounds of that Neil Diamond song. I don’t care where it is. I’ve been on every continent, in many countries. When that song plays, you see white people’s eyes light up… like sleeper agents who’ve just been activated. It happens every time, without fail. Every single time. It’s not about music, other songs will be playing. They’ll be at a cookout or a baseball game, a company event. All the other songs are in the background. They pay them no heed. But when that song kicks in, it taps into the very DNA of whiteness. I don’t know what it is. But it interrupts everything else. You’ll see white people hanging out. They’ll be like, “Yeah, business, mergers and acquisitions.” “It’s one of those things.” “I know, we should circle back.” “Let’s put a pin in it.” [blabbering] And that song comes in, and every single time… You think it won’t happen. It always creeps in. It always seems like it won’t happen. But it’s always the same, just like… ♪ Hands, touchin’ hands ♪ ♪ Reachin’ out, touchin’ me ♪ ♪ Touchin’ you Pum, pum, pum ♪ ♪ Sweet Caroline ♪ [audience humming the tune] See, I didn’t tell you to join in. I didn’t say, “All together now.” Or, “On the count of three.” That was just your whiteness coming out. Did you feel that? Huh? That was just you. You were like, “This is it!” “This is our moment!” ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ I’m white, white, white, white ♪ ♪ White, white ♪ Look at you right now. You’re beaming! Look at your face. Look at you. Look at that joy. Ten minutes ago, “I don’t know about this guy.” Now you’re like, “Best comedian ever!” Don’t ever lose that joy. None of you white people. You hold on to it. It is a treasure. It is the most adorable thing in the world. Nothing makes white people happier than that song. Nothing. That song is pure, uncut Caucasian joy. That’s what that song is. White people cannot resist it. Yeah, forget 23andMe. If you want to know how much white you have in you, play that song. The louder you respond, the whiter you are. I just saved you some money. There’s no white person I’ve seen… It is the Marco to your Polo. That’s what that song is. I’ll tell you, if there was ever, like, a giant earthquake, God forbid, and people were trapped beneath the rubble, I’d volunteer to find all the white people. I’ll be like, “You guys find everybody else.” “I got this. I got this!” ♪ “Sweet Caroline” ♪ “I found another one!” “You okay, man?” [coughs to the beat of “Sweet Caroline”] Right now some of you are like, “Trevor, we like that song, but it’s not the most important to us.” Yeah? Then how come you didn’t help me sing the anthem? Detroit, you have been amazing. Thank you so much. I had such a great time with all of you. I appreciate you. Good night. [“Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond playing] ♪ Where it began ♪ ♪ I can’t begin to know when ♪ ♪ But then I know it’s growing strong ♪ Was in the spring… ♪ [music stops] [sighs in relief] [man] How’d we do? It works every time, Neil Diamond. [chuckling] All right. It works every time. [chuckles] ♪ Sweet Caroline Pum, pum, pum ♪ ♪ Good times never seemed so good ♪ I’ve been inclined ♪ ♪ To believe they never would ♪ ♪ But now I look at the night ♪ ♪ And it don’t seem so lonely ♪ ♪ We fill it up with only two ♪ And when I hurt ♪ ♪ Hurtin’ runs off my shoulders… ♪ Thank you so much. That was fantastic. Thank you so much. ♪ Sweet Caroline… ♪ |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-gaffigan-obsessed-transcript/ | Jim Gaffigan: Obsessed (2014) | Transcript | jim gaffigan | ♪ Atten-hut! ♪
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♪ Atten-hut! ♪ [cheers and applause] [male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan. [cheers and applause] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh, that is so insincere. All I did was walk from over there and act like I’m not out of breath. What is that, like five feet? It is good to be here in Boston. Thank you for coming out. [cheers and applause] Excited to be here. I don’t know if you can tell by my beard, but I’m fat. I don’t know what happened. All I did was eat constantly, and then, boom. I’m fat. It seems unfair. I can’t stop eating. I can’t. I haven’t been hungry in, like, 12 years. I’m like, “Oh, I’m so full. I guess I’ll have some cheese. I don’t even like this cheese. Guess I’ll finish it. Maybe this will make me hungry.” Do you ever tell yourself that? Maybe this will make me hungry. It’s either that or feel my feelings. You know what, you’re only eating your feelings. Yeah, but they’re delicious. I can’t stop eat– You ever look at medication that says, “Don’t take on an empty stomach”? Never a concern of mine. Doesn’t apply to me. You’re not supposed to go swimming till– technically I should never go swimming. Like, if you saw me in a pool, you’d be like, “Arrest that man! And tell him not to wear a Speedo.” I don’t need that image. I used to be thin, when I was six. I’ve put on some weight, but luckily, this is intentional. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m preparing for kind of a big role. It’s a cinnamon roll. I don’t want to look like I can’t finish it. You know what I mean? Once after a show, a woman came up to me, and she was like, “You’re not that fat,” like it was a compliment. I was like, “Well, thank you. You’re not that polite.” But I am fat. You know, some people should be fat, you know. We all have that friend who’s lost tons of weight. And when you see them, you think, “You looked better fat. You’re thin, but you look exhausted. Go back to being fat. Looking at you makes me want to sit down.” “Nothing tastes as good as thin.” I can think of a thousand things. Even unsalted French fries taste better than thin. You ever eat fries without salt on them? You’re like, “Huh, these could use some salt, but that would mean I’d have to get up and move. [audience laughing] I’ll just imagine there’s salt on them.” Feels like a sacrifice. You’re like, “What am I? A pioneer here? “Sucking it up. I should be on that show Survivor. Once I had fries without salt on them, so I could probably live anywhere, really.” [audience laughing] I just wish I wanted to eat something healthy. Recently, I saw an apple, and for a moment– just–just a moment– I didn’t recognize it. I was like, “What is that? Oh, that’s an apple! It’s so weird to not see it in a pie.” But fruit. No one really wants fruit. It’s too much work with fruit, right? You’ve got to wash it. You’ve got to peel off that sticker Al-Qaeda put on there. There’s work, like an orange… Has peeling an orange ever really been worth it? There’s not even chocolate in this. And some weirdos that use the gathering of fruit as an activity. “Why don’t we go apple picking?” “‘Cause I’d rather die.” You have to pay to pick apples. OK, how much do I owe you to work for you for free? Don’t rip me off. I’m no dummy. Yet we still act excited when we see fruit. We’re like, “Yay, fruit!” At least it’s not vegetables. ‘Cause no one wants vegetables. When you’re at a party and they have a vegetable tray, aren’t you surprised? You’re like, “Wow. That’s a waste of money. Hell, I’d rather eat a candle.” Oh, suddenly I’m the only one here that’s eaten a candle. OK, everybody. No one wants a vegetable tray. Everyone knows “crudite” is French for “throw away in a couple hours.” [audience laughing] I feel sorry for those vegetables on the tray. They’re like, “What am I doing here? I can’t compete with pigs in a blanket. I’m a cauliflower, for God’s sakes. Like that ranch dressing’s gonna help?” Ranch dressing. Some of us have to settle down with the ranch dressing. The usage is ridiculous. “I love ranch dressing. I like to dip my pizza in ranch dressing.” That’s fine. You’re just not allowed to vote anymore. ‘Cause ranch dress– You know how they make ranch dressing? Buttermilk and sadness. That’s the only ingredients. Interesting fact. Before they came up with ranch dressing, no one had eaten a raw vegetable ever. But we know we don’t want vegetables. But we haven’t wanted fruit for hundreds of years. That’s why there’s so many paintings in museums of just bowls of fruit. ‘Cause you could start painting a bowl of fruit. You could leave for a couple days, come back. No one would have touched the bowl of fruit. But if you’re painting a donut, you better finish it on the first sitting. You can’t even take a bathroom break. “Hey! What happened to my donut?” Your friends say, [imitates full mouth] “I don’t know. Some fat guy came in here. Anyway, I gotta get some milk and take a nap.” That’s why there’s no donut art. It’s sad, really. When’s the last time you saw a painting of a donut? The police, they love donuts, right? Hey, cop. Why don’t you get a donut? Cops love donuts. Which is an interesting stereotype, because you know who else loves donuts? Absolutely everyone. Of course cops love donuts, ’cause they know the difference between right and wrong. And not liking donuts is wrong! Have you ever met someone that doesn’t like a donut? You want to know why? Because they’re in jail. When you’re in a donut shop and you see a police officer, don’t you feel like something special’s happened? [gasps] An angel just got its wings. It’s special. [chuckling] I had a donut before I came onstage. I was with a friend last week. I was like, “You want to get a donut?” He was like, “I’m not hungry.” I’m like, “What does that have to do with it?” As if there’s ever been a good reason to eat a donut. Well, doctor says I need more powdered sugar in my diet. Donuts are bad for you, and according to my health nut wife, they’re “not appropriate for a trail mix,” you know. I’m just on a different trail, right? Mine leads to the emergency room. That joke will be even funnier when I die from cardiac arrest. “That’s why I didn’t laugh.” Donuts are all about taste. In Los Angeles, there’s a place called Yum Yum Donuts. It’s like, what? Do you need the IQ of one to find that appealing? Yum Yum? Me like yum yum. It’s like, who’s the target audience, cavemen? I know two thing. Yellow fireball rise in sky and Yum Yum Donuts. Yum Yum Donuts, yum yum. Now there’s gourmet donuts that are deep-fried in gold. I had a gourmet donut. I didn’t realize it was a gourmet donut. I just pointed at a donut, and the donut guy started ringing it up. He was like, “That’ll be $3.99.” I was like, “I only want one of them.” He was like, “That is the price of one of them.” Then there was this long, awkward pause where I waited for him to lean forward and go, “Just kidding.” But he didn’t. He just looked at me like, “Got you, tubby,” because he knew I’d pay because I was in a donut shop. It’s not like I was there to buy a yoga mat. Boston, this is like donut ground zero, right? Dunkies, Dunkies! [cheers and applause] I don’t know, I always eat the local specialty because I’m a pig. I did this big tour of the southern states, and I’ll tell you something. People in the South are nicer. They are. Even when they’re rude, they’re nice in the South. They’re like, “Y’all can go to hell.” You’re like, “Well, thank you. You too.” People in the South are nicer, but they’re slower, right? And I don’t mean intelligence-wise. They just move slower. It’s like, “Hey, your house is on fire.” “All right. I’ll get to that. But first, I need to drink me some sweet tea. Then I’ll deal with that pesky house of mine.” And I figured it out. It’s the biscuits and gravy. Everyone in the South moves like they’ve just had two helpings. They’re like, “I shouldn’t have had that second helping of…” This is a nine-year-old I’m pretending to be. “Of biscuits and gra–” In the South, they’re eating biscuits and gravy for breakfast. They’re not coming home drunk late at night, like, “I’ll eat anything.” They’re waking up, and they’re like, “Time for cement.” [chomping] Lunch, chicken and waffles. The South will never rise again ’cause they don’t have the energy. [laughter and applause] Because most of their dishes involve papier-mache. [cheers and applause] They’re essentially eating pinatas down there. That’s why they talk that way. Because after you eat biscuits and gravy, you can’t be expected to say “you” and “all.” “Good biscuits and gravy, y’all.” I’m surprised they even say “biscuits and gravy.” [speaks gibberish] y’all. And I’ll tell you something. Those biscuits and gravy are amazing. I had biscuits and gravy for breakfast for nine days straight. I still haven’t gone to the bathroom. That tour was 27 years ago. I love Southern food. Chicken and waffles. Fried chicken and waffles. Why? What should we serve with the fried chicken? French fries? No, something elegant. Like a waffle or a gyro or heroin. I know it’s lunch, but I want breakfast and diabetes, so I’ll have the chicken and waffles and a shake. Of course, you can’t talk about Southern food without bringing up grits, right? Grits, it’s like someone was like, “Hey, if you love the taste of biscuits and gravy “but without the taste of biscuits and gravy, then you’ll love our man-made wet sand.” I want to like grits. I do. I order them, and I’m like, “Are these undercooked or overcooked?” No wonder you came up with moonshine. Southerners are always like, “Y’all are eating that wrong. You’ve got to add a pound of cheese and a pound of sugar and 30 candy canes.” That’s what I love about the South. They don’t even try and hide the fact they’re eating unhealthy. In a restaurant, you’re like, “I guess I’ll order “the bucket of lard and the salt stick.” “Y’all want that deep-fried?” “Uh, OK.” “You want us to shoot at you while you eat it?” “Is that extra?” But there’s unhealthy eating everywhere. I was in Arizona and New Mexico, and there are people eating fried bread. There are stands that sell only fried bread. And I saw that, and I was like, “I found my people.” [laughter] Fried bread. I eat unhealthy, but come on. I know a donut’s fried bread, but at least we don’t call it “fried bread.” I mean, at what point do you even feel comfortable eating something called “fried bread”? “Have you ever eaten cake in the shower?” “A couple times.” “You’re ready for fried bread.” “Ever eaten in your car, so you don’t have to share with your children?” “Every day.” “You’re ready for fried bread.” Fried bread. That is the opposite of a diet, right? What are the basic elements of a diet? It’s like, all right, no fried food. No fried food. Got it. You gotta cut out all the bread. Cut out– hey, what about fried bread? Is there some kind of fried bread diet? Actually the term is “fry bread.” It’s not “fried bread.” It’s “fry bread.” It’s like a command, a call to action. If you aren’t already, fry bread. Let’s get fat. And I’m not judging those people. They’re actually more honest than us. Because we eat fried bread, but we do it in code. It’s like, “You want fried bread?” “No. I’ll have an elephant ear.” “You want fried bread?” [chuckles] “No. I’ll just have a beignet.” We’re like that guy at the party trying to find weed. “Hey, is your friend Bud gonna be here tonight? You know, he hangs out with that guy named Herb. He’s going out with the girl from Mexico named Marijuana.” I don’t know what you’re asking for. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to get fat. Last night, I was eating a pint of ice cream, and I finished it because I’m American, all right? I took off the lid, and I threw it away ’cause I’m not a quitter, everyone. [laughter] And because I care about the environment. I was conserving energy by not refreezing it. You’re welcome. Of course it was at night. You ever eat ice cream during the day? You’re like, what are we? Six years old? Did we just get our tonsils out? Why are there people around me? Shouldn’t I be alone watching Lifetime? Those hoarders, those are the ones with the problem. I was eating a pint of ice cream in sweatpants, like a man. My wife came in the room, and she was like, “Jim, are you gonna eat an entire pint of ice cream by yourself?” And I was like, “Hopefully. Unless you selfishly want a bite.” “Jim, you have a nine-year-old daughter. Don’t you want to be at her wedding?” “Not really. No. Wait, is there gonna be ice cream at her wedding? Because if you promise– I still don’t want to go.” How would attending a wedding, Why would that be an incentive? It’s like, “Don’t you die! In 18 years, there’s an awkward party you have to pay for! And we need you to write a check.” No, I understand weddings are an important event where we spend a lot of money so that the bride can pretend to be a princess! And marry her prince and live happily ever after because magic exists. [laughs] And we’re a bunch of weirdos. Weddings are kind of weird. I mean, what’s the logic? It’s like, “Well, we love each other. Why don’t we pretend we have a kingdom? [laughter] We’ll invite your parents’ friends and my parents’ friends, and we’ll have a banquet. And the two kingdoms shall come together as one. And we can start our married life with a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation.” It’s strange, right? I mean, weddings started off as these crude, medieval ceremonies where women, daughters were exchanged as property. Yet over the course of centuries, they got worse. [laughter] That’s why people cry at weddings. “I can’t believe we’re still wasting money on this.” Whenever I see someone crying at a wedding, “I always say, don’t worry. It probably won’t work out.” [laughter and applause] It is nice to be invited to a wedding, but you always look at that invitation like, “Ah, this is gonna cost me. Oh, good. It’s out of town. Wouldn’t want to use those vacation days for vacationing.” And you can tell how much a wedding’s gonna cost you by the type of invitation you receive. You’re like, “[gasps] Oh, no. This one’s made of baby skin.” [laughter] And that font and the language on that. “The honorable king slayer cordially invites you to the marriage of his 40-year-old daughter to her live-in boyfriend of 12 years. Bring thy wallet.” Because you have to get the newlyweds a gift because they’ve done nothing! So you go to the registry. The registry, which is a nice way of saying, “You don’t have to get us anything. But when you do, make sure it’s one of these things.” You ever go to the registry late, and you’re like, “Aw, the only thing left is a fork for $300. I guess we’ll be the fork friends. We’ll get them the fork.” My wife had us register for fine china because you never know when the Pope’s gonna swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate. My parents, growing up, my parents had fine china that you couldn’t even put in the dishwasher. “[gasps] Don’t get that wet. You need to clean it with a kitten. [laughter] It needs to be a white kitten.” [laughter and applause] At most weddings, the guests receive a gift, right? Sometimes it’s, like, a bag of almonds covered in candy. Thanks. I guess we’re even. Since you got me a bag of nuts. “Feel free to take the centerpiece.” Sure you don’t want us to bus some tables? Uh, I didn’t bring a broom, but I could sweep. It’s not always, like, nuts. Sometimes the gift is, like, a knickknack or a Happy Meal toy kind of thing. The last wedding we were at, everyone at the wedding got a wine stopper filled with sand because the theme of the wedding was waste. [laughter] I got in trouble when I asked the bride, I was like, “At what point are we supposed to jab this in our throat? During the first dance?” That’s horrible [chuckles] I do find it fascinating. There’s always a drunk person at a wedding, right? And I think it’s because there’s so many awkward moments. Like that receiving line as a guest? I never know what to say to those people. I always feel like I’ve just seen a friend in a play or something. “That was great. You were great up there. What you said. I like this program. Well, I’m gonna lie to someone else now. You were good too. You’re the grandma. We got them the fork. Is the bar open?” Some of those wedding rituals, have you been to one of the weddings where the groom removes the garter belt from the bride and flings it to a crowd of perverts? [laughter] Because he cherishes his… what? Who came up with that one? Hey, you know how the bride throws the bouquet? How ’bout something for the fellas? Maybe the bride’s underwear? What happens to that garter belt? Oh, I have it in a very special place. It’s in a room covered with photographs of the bride. And there’s candles and fried bread everywhere. [cheers, applause and laughter] I’m not against marriage. I’m happily married. I’m married to a beautiful woman, the type of woman that when I’m with her and people find out she’s my wife, there’s usually an audible “wow.” Which I suppose is flattering, but it hurts my feelings. I’m not a yeti. “Wow.” Someone could approach me and be like, “Jim, we’ve discovered your wife has no visual perception. [laughter] Yeah, yeah, we don’t need to correct that or anything. She doesn’t like glasses.” But I like being married. I like having someone to look out for me. And my wife wants me to live longer. We all want to live longer, but how much longer? Like, you ever see old people, really, really old people, the look on their face? They always have that look like, [screaming] I can’t believe I’m still here! I would have eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale? Can we stop with the kale propaganda? [cheers, applause and laughter] That stuff tastes like bug spray. I was looking at a can of bug spray. It said, “Made with real kale.” But that’s the latest health trend. There’s a new one every six weeks. When I was a little kid, cottage cheese, cottage cheese was considered healthy. My mom and my sisters, “We’re being healthy by eating this tub of cheese curds.” Because to be thin, you eat things that look like cellulite. Remember when pita was healthy? Pita’s not bread. It’s from the Middle East. Take cheese, bad for you. Put it in pita, it’s OK. That’s why when I smoke crack, I do it on pita. [laughter] We’re still in the middle of the wrap phase. Wraps are so good for you. When you roll food, it takes the calories out. It becomes a sandwich wand. Ta-da! No calories. It’s like sushi but not enjoyable. There’s good fats and bad fats. I like to think of myself as a good fat. I did discover that I’m gluten-free. -Anyone gluten-free here? Yeah? -[scattered cheers] I was just kidding. You’re a communist. [laughter and applause] Obviously, people that are gluten-free are like any other American, except for they’re allergic to wheat, the amber waves of grain. Doesn’t mean they don’t love their country. Just means they can’t stomach ♪ The purple mountains’ majesty ♪ Those are the people we should be screening at airports. Are you gluten-free/a terrorist? I don’t judge. I report. You decide. There’s a new milk every six weeks. Oh you shouldn’t be drinking cow’s milk. Don’t drink cow’s milk. You should drink soy milk. They discovered soy milk’s all estrogen. You should drink soy milk unless you want to have sons with testicles. Or you could drink rice milk. And they discovered rice milk is like drinking carbs. Or you could drink almond milk because almonds make milk. Unless you have a nut allergy. Then you could drink hemp milk, which is like a nut-free almond milk made from rope. [laughter] Or you can try this new milk that’s called cow’s milk. It’s big in Europe. But really, this is the kale era, right? Kale is a superfood, and its special power is tasting bad. It’s inedible. All you have to do is freeze-dry it, cover it in cayenne peppers, put it in a shake, and bury it in the ground. Kale is so good for you. It’s like a really bitter spinach with hair. Kale is so good for you. They could find out kale cures cancer, and I would still be like, “I’m just gonna do the chemo, all right? I’ve tried the kale. OK?” [laughter and applause] Haven’t we evolved as a species, so we no longer have to eat things like kale? You know there were cavemen, “One day, son, we no longer forage through weeds. We eat porterhouse steak and no longer sound like Cookie Monster. Now we go to Yum Yum Donut.” Kale. I just can’t stand the kale bragging. “I just had some kale.” No one asked you. People talk about kale like it’s a band. Have you seen that new album by Kale? I was at a school event because I have a thousand children. And one of the moms was nice enough to make a bean soup. So I went over, and I tasted it, and I said, “Oh, this is very good.” And she leaned forward, and she goes, “I snuck some kale in there.” And I wanted to throw the bowl at her. ‘Cause she was trying to impress me with a vegetable. Oh, wow. You smarty. But you know what? I blame Whole Foods. I do. They’re just bored at Whole Foods. They’re like, “What else can we sell these idiots? Just get me a plant. Not that one. That’s poison ivy. Wait. Can we make milk out of that? Give me the other one. What is this? Kale? It tastes bad? They’ll think it’s good for them. Charge 20 bucks for it.” And we’re like, “Ah.” But I go to Whole Foods. I do. I waste my money there. They should just have a garbage can at the entrance of Whole Foods with a picture of a wallet over it. You just go… OK, how many items do I get? I get two? OK, um, I’ll have the grapes for 500. And, Alex, I’ll have the loaf of bread made of wood for 10. [laughter] I’ll put the rest on my Amazon wish list. What is the business idea of Whole Foods? It’s like Costco, but instead of bulk, you get nothing. You ever look at your bill when you’re leaving Whole Foods? You’re like, “Wow, I’m really not good at managing money.” [laughter] Because you only remember how expensive it is when you get there. You’re like, “These prices… I’m too lazy to go to another store. You win again, Whole Foods. Tricked me again.” You guys are nice. I should have showered. I’m sure most of you showered. Yeah. There’s probably one or two weirdos out there that took a bath. A bath, how much free time do you have on your hands? What, are you taking a break from ruling ancient Egypt? I don’t have anything to do, and I’ll never have anything to do, so I’ll just sit in a pool of my own filth. [laughter] Ah, luxury. I should probably take a shower after this bath, huh? I have taken a bath. It always seems like it’s gonna be relaxing. You’re like, “Ah. This is so boring! No wonder people kill themselves in these things, huh?” Don’t worry. No one here has killed themselves in a bath. My point is no one takes baths except for that weird couple in the Cialis commercial. What kind of disposable income does that couple have? “Honey, after our pill-induced lovemaking, what do you say we sit in the side-by-side tubs on the porch?” What is the message of that commercial? This pill is so good, you’re gonna have to take a bath afterwards. I’d do separate baths. Hell, do it outside. It’s gonna be messy. You know what I mean, fellas? Those erectile dysfunction commercials are just there to ruin your night. They’re like, “You enjoying your show? Just a reminder, in a couple years, you’re gonna need a pill to do anything. Back to your show.” I took a shower. Didn’t happen right away. You ever have one of those days? You’re like, “Ah, I got to take a shower.” Just hours pass. “Ah, I still got to take a shower.” And then when you finally do, it feels like such an accomplishment. “Hey, I took a shower. I’m a go-getter. Showerer. Well, time for bed.” Shampooed and conditioned my hair, as you can tell. You got to condition your hair because everyone else does. Someone told me the reason we’re supposed to condition our hair is because we shampoo our hair too often. So instead of using one product less often, we just added another product. Yeah, my wife didn’t like me drinking beer every night, so to make her feel better, I started drinking beer and whiskey. Maybe that’ll get her off my back. Who’s that guy? Shampoo and conditioner. Always identical bottles for no other reason but to confuse us. You ever accidentally pour out the conditioner first? You’re like, “Oh, crap! That’s, like, 3 bucks!” You ever try and put it back in? You’re like… [laughter] “Damn hole’s too small.” I always end up holding on to it and open the shampoo bottle with the other hand. Now, I’ll just mix that together. Hope that doesn’t start a fire or something. There is that product. It’s shampoo and conditioner in one. I don’t trust it. I don’t like my peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. That’s for Goobers. That joke’s for goobers. There are so many goos and potions in our showers. And they’re all just soaps with different names, right? This is a soap for your hair. This is a soap for your body. This is a facial scrub, which is soap with sand in it. [laughter] My favorite shower goo or potion, though, has to be body wash and not just because it sounds creepy. It’s like, “Hey, I got you some body wash.” “Yeah, I got you a restraining order.” Body wash. Wash the body. Body wash. I’m gonna wash your body… [whispers] while you sleep. You can only use body wash on your body. Use it on your face, you die. It’s the truth. I remember when they first introduced body wash. I was at a drugstore, and I was like, “This is so stupid.” Body wash. Now I’m like, “Honey, we’re all out of body wash. Can you get some more body wash? That soap’s so hard to use. Get the body wash that has ‘energy’ printed on it. I need my body wash to give me energy.” That’s what’s printed on our bottle of body wash. “Energy” in bold. Like, they didn’t even bother to think of a misleading adjective that made sense. Oh, what should we put on the bottle of body wash? Fuel-efficient. [laughter] Low-calorie. Something like that. But it doesn’t matter what it says on all those goos and potions, right? They’re snake oils, because when it comes to cleanliness, we will believe anything. We’re like, “Oh, a facial scrub made of avocados. That makes sense. And it only costs $50. Funny, I bought an avocado today for 99¢. [gasps] Well, this must be good shampoo. It’s from France. And they’re known for cleanliness. [laughter and applause] At least I think it’s shampoo. Douche de what? The French are douching their hair?” I did that joke in Montreal, and no one laughed. It really comes down to we don’t want to smell, right? You ever catch yourself smelling, and you’re like, “Oh, my God. I gotta… smell that again.” You’re, like, drawn to it. You’re like, “That is alluring.” “Honey, get over here. I got a treat for you.” But we smell because we’re animals, right? We’re just self-cleaning animals. We’re like cats. We’re like… I know we’re supposed to be like apes, but they’re picking bugs off each other and eating it. We’re like cats. We self-clean. We’re grumpy. We’re finicky eaters. I don’t want to eat that. I don’t feel like eating that right now. We like to think we’re like dogs. I mean, I wish I was a dog. Dogs are always in a good mood. They’re like, “What is that? Throw-up? I’ll eat it. I don’t care. I’m just happy to be here.” Dogs are happy to be anywhere. You ever see a homeless guy with a dog? The dog’s like, “This isn’t that bad. I was begging for food anyway. I mean…” [laughter] But we’re more like cats, right? But we can’t even be like a cat because a cat could scratch itself on a stationary object, and we’d be like, “That’s adorable.” But if I scratch myself on a mannequin at Victoria’s Secret, they call security. If I’m just like, “Oh, I got an itch here.” Especially if I’m purring, if I’m like… [purring] Lots of undies around here, huh? You can’t do that in Victoria’s Secret. I have been to Victoria’s Secret. I had a reason. You know, as a man, you need a reason to be in Victoria’s Secret. You can’t just be in there like, “I’m looking around. See what you ladies are buying.” I was getting my wife something for Valentine’s Day. You have to reach a point in a relationship where you can get a woman something from Victoria’s Secret. It’s not like a first-date thing, like, “Thanks for meeting me for dinner. I got you a bustier. Why don’t you go in the bano and throw that on?” [laughter] Secretly, every guy wants to go in Victoria’s Secret. We walk by in the mall. We’re like, “Oh, one day. One day, I’ll have a reason.” Because, you know, we’ve seen the catalog. You don’t even have to search out the catalog. It just shows up in your mail. You’re like, “Oh, what’s this? Seems like there’s some good articles in here. If I wasn’t married, I could get rejected by all these women.” And guys, we’re just dumb enough, we see that Victoria’s Secret store, and we think, “Maybe that’s where those models live. They’re probably in there right now, walking around in angels’ wings. They’re probably in there having a pillow fight right now. If I could find a practical reason to go in there, it would be amazing.” And then you finally go into Victoria’s Secret, and it’s like a Greyhound bus station. What, are you guys in between shifts in here? Where’s all the angels? There’s just stressed out salesladies with headsets on. “Underwear, underwear, underwear.” [laughter] “Where’s the open bar?” But you’re still a guy in a woman’s underwear store. And you don’t want to look like a creep. That’s why every man at Victoria’s Secret has the same expression on his face of, “Boring! This is place is boring because I’m not a pervert. There’s nothing stimulating in here because it’s boring to me, especially those huge posters of supermodels mostly naked. Boring.” [chuckles] I didn’t know what I was looking for, so I went up to a saleslady who had the warmth of a TSA screener. “What do you want?” “Nothing. I didn’t touch anything. I’m leaving.” I was trying to be discreet. I was like, “Look, I’m looking for something for my wife. She’s very intelligent. She’s creative.” Because you can’t say, “I’m looking for a slutty outfit.” “She volunteers. She’s organized. Maybe that French maid’s outfit would be good.” Then I was thrown because the saleslady was like, “What size?” And I was like, “Size? Uh, female? Small?” Because you don’t want to guess too big. You don’t want to be like, “Hey, you’ll grow into it. I thought you was much bigger.” You can’t ask a stranger, like, “Hey. Excuse me there, lady. You look like you got a keister like my wife’s. What size undies you got there? Maybe you could try on this outfit I got.” I just wanted it over with. When I was paying, I assumed the awkwardness was over until they handed me my purchase in a bright pink Victoria’s Secret bag that I had to carry around the mall the rest of the day that might as well have just said “pervert” on the side. [humming] ♪ Me and my ladies’ undies ♪ [laughter] I like ladies’ undies so much, I got a bag full of them. ♪ Heading into Burger King ♪ Yeah, I’ll have a Whopper with cheese and a small fries for the ladies’ undies. When I got home, I realized you have to find the right time to give your gift from Victoria’s Secret. You can’t be like, “Hey, when you’re done changing that diaper, I got another changie-poo for you. It’s a little gift from me to you that’s really for me.” Because if you’re buying a woman something from Victoria’s Secret, it’s really a gift for you. It’s like, “Here, I got me this. [laughter] Thank you. I’m welcome.” I am never going back there again. I don’t know. It’s good to be here in Boston. [cheers and applause] Oh, I love Boston… This is a… Boston’s a tough city, right? It’s like, Boston! Boston! Lob-stah! I love the Boston energy. And you guys, all of New England, you guys love your seafood, and it’s just disgusting. Lob-stah! Lob-stah! I was vacationing on Cape Cod because I’m white.] And… [laughter and applause] I was at this seafood restaurant, right? And this guy came over to our table. Wasn’t even our waiter. He came over to the table. He was like, “Hey, I couldn’t help…” I don’t know how to do the Boston accent. “You’re not eating lobster. Is there a reason why you’re not eating lob-stah?” And I was like, “Uh, I thought I’d order what I want. I wasn’t really in the mood for bug meat.” Because that’s what shellfish are. They’re just creepy-crawly, giant insects on the bottom of the ocean. You know fish are swimming around like, “We got to get an exterminator up in this piece.” They’re bugs. They have a shell like a bug. They have spindly legs and crawl around like a bug. They have antennae like a monster. [laughter] They’re probably monsters. Like, if you went home and you saw a chicken in your house, you’d be like, “What the hell’s a chicken doing in my house?” But if you saw a lobster, you’d be like, “We’re moving.” [laughter] Because there’s not a nickel’s worth of difference between a lobster and a giant scorpion. Now, I understand everyone loves lobster, “I love lobster.” Hey, I like butter too, OK? How can I eat three sticks of butter? Well, I found this giant, swimming sea scorpion. It’s just a spoonful of butter helps the bug meat go down. In the most delightful way. Lobster tail. Is that the area near the butt? Mmm. That’s what I want, a little turf and bug butt. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. How about those restaurants where you have to pick out your own lobster? You’re like, “I guess I’ll take that one that’s really struggling with the rubber bands. [laughter] He seems appealing. Why don’t we boil him to death?” Why am I involved in this decision? But the Northeast? It’s all shellfish. Maryland with the crab. Isn’t it kind of a red flag you need a hammer to eat a crab? Oh, you’re having the crab? Let me get you some tools, so you can crack open that bug shell and get that half a bite of bug meat. Crab, it’s too much work. They’re like the pistachio of seafood. And there’s that nasty part of the crab you’re not supposed to eat. I think it’s called all of it! ‘Cause they’re crabs, as in the sexually transmitted disease. That has the same name because it’s the exact same thing! They’re just the baby version of the dinner crab. You know God’s up in heaven going, “What do I gotta do to stop them from eating the crabs? I gave it a rock-hard shell. I put it on the bottom of the ocean. I named a disease after it. Jesus, you’re gonna have to go back down there.” [laughter and applause] I don’t even know how people order crabs with a straight face. “Yeah, my wife and I… You know what? I’ll get crabs, and I’ll give her some. [laughter and applause] Don’t tell her. I want it to be a surprise.” Even the crab as a creature is creepy. It always looks like it’s trying to avoid an awkward situation. [laughter] “Is that… Oh, I owe that guy money. Crap.” Clams and oysters. How did we even start eating those? “Hey, I found a rock with a snot in it. I was thinking of eating it.” “Go ahead.” “All right.” [slurps] “What’s it taste like?” “Pneumonia.” [laughter] Oysters on the half shell. As opposed to what, in a Kleenex? Even the way you’re supposed to eat an oyster… Squeeze some lemon, a little hot sauce, throw it down the back of your throat, take a shot of vodka, and try and forget you ate a snot from a rock. That’s not how you eat something. That’s how you overdose on sleeping pills. Pearls come from oysters. Yeah, I try not to eat things that also make jewelry. [laughter] Oysters are an aphrodisiac? Why would we ever believe that? What do you say you and I grab some snots from a rock? See what happens. Maybe we’ll end up at my place. Maybe we’ll end up at the emergency room. Let it happen, baby. Clam chowder. How can we sell more clams? Why don’t we put it in a soup that looks like vomit? [laughter] He went too far. Let’s kill him. But most seafood gives me the willies. Like anchovies. What exactly is the difference between an anchovy and a sweaty eyebrow? [laughter] Because whenever I see an anchovy, I think, “Someone has attacked Tom Selleck.” Why would you put that in a salad? Squid, more like the swimming sea spider. “But I like calamari.” You could deep-fry a rubber hose, it would taste good. A little cocktail sauce, this is good hose. Octopus? Really? “Octo” meaning “eight,” “pus” meaning “really?” Yes. The pus part’s my favorite. The suction cups remind me we need a new bathtub mat. I wish I liked seafood. I do. I live near Chinatown in New York because I’m Chinese. [laughter] And like most Chinatowns, a lot of the restaurants in Chinatown have live seafood tanks in the windows. And I’m always like, “Uh, do you want us to come in there, or are these sea monsters protecting your establishment?” Because I is scared. And I love Chinese food, and I love the Chinese culture. And I’m not just saying that because we’re all gonna be working for them in six months. The Chinese have an amazing culture. They do. 3,000 years ago, they were doing brain surgery in China, yet they still haven’t figured out dessert. You ever go to a Chinese restaurant? I’m not talking about the fancy Chinese restaurant that has the tea ice cream that tastes like a pack of menthol cigarettes. [laughter] I’m talking about a regular Chinese restaurant where the dessert options, there’s two, right? There’s sliced oranges. Whoa. I don’t want to overwork the kitchen. Oranges? What, did a schooner just arrive from the Caribbean? Looks like our scurvy’s cured, fellas. There’s sliced oranges, or there’s the fortune cookie, which is not even a Chinese thing. It’s an American thing, and we gave it to them. And they were like, “We don’t want it.” And we were like, “It’s now part of your ethnic identity.” [laughter] Don’t you feel like the fortune in every fortune cookie should be, “You are about to eat a stale cookie”? Hey, my fortune came true! Everyone has the same reaction to fortune cookies. They’re always like, “These things are so stu– What does mine say?” Like there’s some ancient wisdom in there. As if Confucius himself was putting a tiny piece of paper into a tiny typewriter. “Happiness is a… long journey.” 15. 31. [laughter] 12. Put this in a stale cookie for me, would you? It’s like they wait for them to be stale. How old are these, 1990? Let’s wait a little longer. I do feel sorry for the person who created the cookie that ended up being the fortune cookie because they were probably pretty proud. They were like, “Hey, you gonna try my new cookie? “Tell me what you think of it. Try my new cookie. Tell me what you think.” “All right. I’ll try it. Here you go. “Mmm, oh. You know what this could use is some paper. Oh, this would be good for holding a note or a recipe for a good cookie.” [laughter] “How much do you think I could charge for it?” I’d give it away with the check. You got a spit bucket around here?” [laughter] But I love Asian food. I love Kobe beef. I know I look like a vegetarian, but I’m not. Kobe beef, if you’re not familiar with that, that comes from cows that are fed beer and massaged with sake. I heard that, and I was like, “I want to be Kobe beef. Where do I sign up for–” Those are some happy cows. They have no idea they’re on death row. They’re like, “This is the life! [cackles] A little lower. A little lower, honey. What the hell, this cow’s going for another beer. You Japanese love design. That sake bottle actually looks like a hatchet. Ow!” It’s just a drunk cow, and it’s appealing. Which means it’s only a matter of time, “[gasps] You have to try this chicken. It was raised solely on Doritos.” “What kind?” “Cool Ranch.” But really Kobe beef shows you how decadent we’ve become, right? Now it’s not enough that we live a life of luxury. Now we need to eat things that have lived a life of luxury. “I understand this cow had a good life, but did it go to private school? I only eat cows that went to private school.” “It did.” “Do you have anything on your menu that owned a boat?” [laughter] Kobe beef, it’s an interesting idea, right? It must have been a surprise for someone along the way. It’s like, “You like that steak?” “This is the best steak I’ve ever had in my life.” “You know, I fed that cow some beers.” “You got the cow drunk?” “Yeah, and then I was massaging it.” “What? [laughter] Why? Why were you massaging an animal you gave a lot of alcohol to?” “So you could enjoy it.” “So I could enjoy it? “I’m not hungry anymore. I’m gonna go call Special Victims Unit. Let’s see what Olivia Benson thinks of this.” [cheers, laughter and applause] But really we don’t want to think about what we’re eating. You know, I love hot dogs. You can’t eat a hot dog in public. There’s always one friend that’s like, “Do you know what those are made of?” I don’t want to know because hot dogs are like strippers. No one wants to know the backstory. [laughter and applause] “Well, when I was 12–” Not interested. Let’s put mustard on that. I can say that joke because I used to be a stripper. I was so good, they paid me to put my clothes back on. It was ridiculous. We don’t like to think about what we’re eating. Buffalo wings, chicken wings, I’m sure you savages eat those. Those are baby chickens’ wings that you’re eating. I don’t eat those. I eat the chicken legs. I would never take away a bird’s ability to fly. Some people are like, “Oh, chickens can’t fly.” How do we know? They’ve become too dependent on those legs. Legs are making birds lazy. You ever see footage of a hippo crossing a river? There’s always a bird sitting on its back. How lazy is that bird? It’s gonna take the hippo ten minutes to get across that river. That bird could glide across. That bird, I want to eat their legs. Mostly because I’m pro-hippo. [laughter] I see some of you are drinking. That’s not the answer. It’s not. Eating is. It’s amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes, right? Because even as a teenager, you know it’s wrong. You’re like, “You know, I don’t like the taste of it, but I want to look cool.” And then in your 20s, you’re like, “You know what? This kind of gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex.” And then in your 40s, you’re like, “You know what? This is the only thing I like about being alive.” [cheers, laughter and applause] It’s only funny because it’s true. I’m sure some of you are gonna go to some bars, head to a bar, right? [scattered cheers] Yeah. I never really feel comfortable right when I get in a bar. I’m always kind of like, “Who are all these strangers?” But after a couple beers, I’m like, “These guys are probably my best friends.” Because your experience in a bar changes over the course of the night, right? As the night goes on, you see really why we go to bars. We go to bars, so we can behave like children. Toddlers, really. You ever go to a bar at 2:00 a.m.? You might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school. It’s the same experience. The behavior’s the same in both places. Both places, there’s always some strange yelling for no reason at all. You know, “Whoo, whoo, whoo!” Both places, you go in the bathroom, it’s obvious not everyone’s potty-trained. [laughter] Both places, there’s always someone crying, “She was my best friend. But not anymore.” Both places, occasionally there’s a fight. “You know, he was standing where I wanted to stand, so I punched him in the head. I need more juice.” But at 2:00 a.m., people are drunk in bars. I love how we’re always surprised when someone’s drunk in a bar. We’re actually shocked. We’re like, “Look at that guy. He’s wasted. In a bar. I came here to read a novel.” Mostly the people that are drunk in bars are drunk because they’re drinking shots. And really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. No one’s ever drank a shot and then done something they’re proud of. “I got wasted last night, and then I went out and built some low-income housing.” [laughter and applause] That never happens. You always wake up the next day, and you’re like, “I need a new identity. Maybe two of them.” Because if you’re drinking shots, it’s either your birthday, or you’re trying to forget you were ever born. There is something honest about a shot. It’s like, “I want to get right to the embarrassing part of the night, right to pants off.” But we don’t even drink shots. We take them like they’re medicine. This’ll cure my normal behavior. Everyone acts like we’re in a Western. [hums Western music] That’ll give me the courage to confront this plate of nachos. [hums Western music] Strangers will buy you a shot on your birthday. “Hey, I don’t know you. Let me buy you a shot.” This never happens with anything else. Hey, what do you say? You and me, let’s do some appetizers. Jalapeno poppers, mano a mano. You got to turn that shot down before they get it poured, because once it’s poured, they act like you’re rejecting a sweater they crocheted you. “You know how hard I worked on this?” You didn’t at all. But I don’t mind the bars, unless they’re really crowded, you know, like, five or six people deep at the bar. Everyone’s competing for the bartender’s attention. We look like we’re trying to get disaster relief from the Red Cross. We’re like… [laughter] “I need mine more than he needs his.” I can never get the bartender’s attention. I’m always like… We try and make eye contact. Show him you have money. I have cash. But you can’t try too hard in a crowded bar. You have to act all cool. You gotta be like, “I don’t even care if I get served. I just like standing in crowded, uncomfortable places. Later on, I’m gonna swing by the airport and see what that TSA line’s like. I like the lines.” Never enough bartenders in a crowded bar. Those bartenders look like they’re in the middle of a triage unit. They’re like, “Get me 40ccs of something.” Never enough bartenders. You ever get faked out by the arrival of a barback? You’re like, “Finally, another bar– it’s a barback.” And those poor barbacks, they always act like they’re not qualified to serve you. Like, [gasps] “Oh, no, no, no, no. “I can carry 12 cases up a narrow staircase, but handing you a beer? Not yet. [laughter and applause] I’m still learning from the master.” Because in a crowded bar, the bartender is the master, right? All the authority goes to that. Some of them act like they’re not even obligated to serve you. They’re like, “I don’t know what I’m gonna do with all this booze. Maybe I’ll just pour it out and make a puddle.” And we fall for it. We’re like, “Well, it’s either deal with this guy or make it in our bathtub at home. Damn Prohibition.” There’s male and female bartenders. Female bartenders, they always seem a little tougher than they need to be, right? I don’t want to say “bitchy” because that would describe them perfectly. [laughter] Not all of them. Some female bartenders definitely give off that vibe like, “Don’t hit on me. Treat me with respect. And don’t be distracted by the fact I’m wearing a bikini. OK, honey?” They always call you “honey,” like they’re your grandma or something. “What can I get you, honey?” “I don’t know. A birthday card with $2 in it? [laughter and applause] Uh, maybe a beer, if you’re not too busy condescending me.” But if you’ve been to a bar, you’ve probably been to a filthy public restroom. We’ve all been in those bars where you’re like, “Oh, wow. Now I know why they serve alcohol here.” And when I’m talking about the filthy bathroom, I’m talking about the men’s room. I don’t know about the ladies’ room. I haven’t been in there in, like, a week. But the men’s room, I don’t know what happens to guys when we go into a public restroom. Some anger comes out. Some of the stuff that’s written on the walls? You never have a friend admit it. Like, “Hey, give me a second. I’ve got to pee and draw a swastika. I’ll be right back.” [laughter] There’s guys writing things on the walls, and then there are the guys that reply. Some guy will write, “This place sucks.” Another guy will write, “No, you suck.” As if that first guy is ever gonna see that. Like he’s gathering up his friends– “Well, this is what I wrote on this– Hey, wait a minute! That guy said I suck. You double suck.” But all public restrooms, even when you go– even at fancy places. You ever go in the restroom, and there’s a bathroom attendant? Aren’t you always like, “Oh, no”? Call me a loner, but if there’s one thing I don’t want anyone attending, it’s when I’m using the restroom. Let alone someone sticking around to sell me a paper towel. They don’t sell. They always wave it at you, like, “Here. You don’t have to tip me You can just have bad luck the rest of your life.” [chuckles] And you have to tip the bathroom attendant. You can’t justify not tipping. You can’t be like, “Ah, he doesn’t need it. He’s just working next to a toilet.” [laughter] You have to tip the bathroom attendant. Sometimes the bathroom attendant will have an incentive for a tip. They’ll have, like, gum and cologne on a shelf. No thanks on the gum. I’m sure a lot of that flavor’s probably been knocked away here in your office. “Where’d you get the gum?” “Bathroom. Yeah, some stranger in half a tux sold it to me.” “What flavor is it?” “Bathroom.” And the cologne, You know, talk about a place you don’t want to pick up a scent. “Ooh, you smell different.” “Bathroom again. Same guy had a jug of liquid sitting on a shelf. I just sprayed myself. Good guy. I’m moving in with him.” [laughter] The most memorable public restroom I was in was a New York City park men’s room, which doubles as a crime scene, the difference being that crime scenes are eventually cleaned up. We’ve all been in those scary bathrooms. You’re like, “What happened in here?” The lights are on, but it’s really dark. There’s water everywhere. For some reason, there’s a film crew from Ghost Hunters. But I had to go in there. I was with my three-year-old. And, you know, three-year-olds, they don’t tell you when they need to use the bathroom. They tell you when they’re about to use the bathroom. “You have to go potty?” “Almost done.” [laughter] My three-year-old’s now four. I also have a nine-year-old and an eight-year-old and a two-year-old and a one-year-old. I have five kids. I used to have more, but I ate them. Five kids. I love it, but I don’t know what happened. Ten years ago, I couldn’t get a date, and now my apartment’s literally crawling with babies. It’s like I left peanut butter out or something. Strangers, for some reason, think I’m unaware that it’s a lot of kids. “Five kids. That’s a lot of kids.” “Oh, you think so? Thanks for the heads-up. Do you mind if I stab you in the head?” The best is when I’m alone with my five kids and inevitably struggling, and some stranger will come up to me and go, “Looks like you got your hands full.” [laughter] Why would you say that? It’s like going up to someone in a wheelchair, “Looks like you don’t do a lot of dancing.” [laughter] “Looks like you got your hands full.” Yeah. I could still punch you. But it is a lot of kids, you know. We’ve jumped the shark. Because when you have four kids, people are like, “Wow,” but when you have five, people are like,”Just stop. What, are you creating your own nationality? Settle down. Is there gonna be a country called ‘Gaffganistan’? Make a plan.” Big family. Big families are like water bed stores. They used to be everywhere, and now they’re just weird. Some people think it’s religious. Like, “You have all those kids for religious reasons.” That’s not how it works. If anything, you have four or five kids, and then you become religious. Because once you lose a kid at the mall, you know, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away. You’re like, “Hey, God. I know I haven’t talked to you in a while, probably since finals in high school. Anyway, if you could help me find my son, I promise I’ll change my life. I’ll stop going to Wendy’s. Oh, there he is. Never mind, God. [laughter] Well, we’re off to Wendy’s.” ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ “Talk to you when I get cancer.” ♪ Doo doo doo doo ♪ Because that’s how it works, right? We really only reach out when we have a crisis. That’s got to be annoying for God. He’s gotta be like, “Well, well, well. Someone gets the big ‘C,’ and they turn into Billy Graham all of a sudden. I seem to remember when you were in college, I ‘didn’t exist.’ But now you’re Chatty Cathy.” A joke that combines cancer and religion, always a crowd pleaser. Those are two topics we don’t like to discuss. We don’t even like the word “cancer.” We always whisper it, like, [whispers] “Cancer,” as if the devil’s listening. “I heard you say it, and now you’ve got it.” “I was whispering.” “You’ve got it twice for trying to hide it from the devil.” “When did the devil start passing out cancer?” “You’ve got it three times for doubting the devil “can pass out cancer. “You’ve got it four times for bringing up the devil too many times in one joke.” [laughter] I used to be afraid of cancer. Now I get a headache, and I’m like, “Good. “It’s almost over. Let’s wrap it up. Looks like I’m not paying for that wedding after all.” [laughs] That’s horrible. It’s in my future. Look at me. I’m like skin cancer waiting to happen. Cancer probably doesn’t even see me as a challenge. “I could do that in a half an hour. Send in an intern.” But we’re sensitive because we’ve all lost someone. I’m surprised we even ask what grandparents die of at this point. “My grandpa died.” “What kind of cancer?” “He was hit by a bus.” “That’s called bus cancer.” But we say we’re afraid of cancer. We don’t really behave like we are. We know what causes it. Smoking causes cancer. Yeah, I only smoke when I’m drinking. Which is constant, really. We know the products that cause cancer. Every six months, there’s a new sugar replacement. “Here’s a new sugar replacement. No calories.” A week later, it causes cancer. They don’t even take it off the shelves. “Hey, there’s the one that causes cancer, and it’s on sale.” So then we’re faced with a sugar predicament. Do I use the stuff that’ll kill me or the stuff that’ll make me fat? Ah, what’s a little cancer? If he does another cancer joke, I’m gonna kill him before he can ever get it. My zodiac sign is Cancer. What a rip-off. [laughter and applause] I remember when I was eight and I was finding out my sign. My brother was like, “What am I? What am I?” And my sister was like, “You’re a Capricorn.” And I was like, “Oh, and me? What am I? What am I?” “Cancer.” “Oh, no! I killed Grandma. What’s my symbol?” “Crabs.” “Oh, no.” It all gets sewn together so pretty. It is a pretty thing sewn together. [laughter and applause] But I like being a dad. I do. We have a one-year-old at home, who for the first year of his life, has slept a total of one minute. But it’s worth it, you know. There’s screaming, there’s smells, you don’t sleep. I was out of town, and I drove by a skunk, and all I could think was, “I miss my baby.” [laughter] Because babies are magic. They are. Because they’re the worst roommates. Like, if you had a roommate that did one of the things a newborn does, you’d be like, “You’re moving out. I mean–” You can’t even reason with a baby. You can’t be like, “What the hell was going on last night? You were hitting the bottle pretty hard. Then you started screaming, and you threw up on me. Then you passed out and wet yourself. I went in the other room to get you some dry clothes. I come back, you’re all over my wife’s breasts. Dude, you got to move out. I mean…” It’s always fun when the mother breast-feeds. The baby always looks right at the dad like, “What are you gonna do about it? Man of the house, my ass. Why don’t you take a walk? Leave your credit card.” Every year, when my wife has her annual baby, [laughter] it feels that way. By the way, the gifts stop after the second kid. With the fifth kid, people barely respond to the email announcement. “Ah, we’ll get them next baby.” Once I had a friend come up to me and go, “Hey, congratulations on the new baby. I know how you feel. We just got a puppy.” I said, “What?” And I love dogs, so I understand it. But, like, babies are the only types of humans that can be compared to an animal and it’s OK. Like, you could never be like, “Heard you’re getting married. I know how you feel. I used to have a pig. [laughter] Bit of advice on a hot day, Hose that bride down. She’ll love it because they can’t breathe, their skin can’t.” Twice a year, I travel. I tour with my kids. We get on a tour bus, and we go to, like, some destination. Last spring break, we went to Mount Rushmore. [man from audience] Whoo! That’s the most applause Mount Rushmore’s ever gotten. I feel sorry for Mount Rushmore. You know, people used to go there on their honeymoon. And now, I bring up Mount Rushmore, and people look at me like I’m talking about a TV show that was canceled ten years ago. “Is that still going on?” Yeah, it’s a mountain! It’s still going on. And you know what? It’s beautiful. And the Black Hills of South Dakota are… You know, they’re sacred to the Lakota Indians. And out of respect, our government carved four white guys into one of the mountains. [laughter and applause] “This land is sacred.” “How about that mountain?” “Very sacred.” “Good. We got an idea.” Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Another gift for you guys. Ding, ding, ding, ding. These guys were all about freedom. Ding, ding, ding. Especially the two guys that owned slaves. [laughter] But there’s so much stimulation in our lives. We don’t know what to make of four faces on a mountain. You know, my kids didn’t know what to think. They were like, “Is one of the eyes gonna blink?” And I was like, “I don’t know. Take a look because I’m never coming back here.” That is all for me. Thank you so much, you guys. I appreciate it. Thank you. [cheers and applause] ♪ Atten-hut! ♪
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♪ Atten-hut! ♪ | [cheers and applause] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh, that is so insincere. All I did was walk from over there and act like I’m not out of breath. What is that, like five feet? It is good to be here in Boston. Thank you for coming out. [cheers and applause] Excited to be here. I don’t know if you can tell by my beard, but I’m fat. I don’t know what happened. All I did was eat constantly, and then, boom. I’m fat. It seems unfair. I can’t stop eating. I can’t. I haven’t been hungry in, like, 12 years. I’m like, “Oh, I’m so full. I guess I’ll have some cheese. I don’t even like this cheese. Guess I’ll finish it. Maybe this will make me hungry.” Do you ever tell yourself that? Maybe this will make me hungry. It’s either that or feel my feelings. You know what, you’re only eating your feelings. Yeah, but they’re delicious. I can’t stop eat– You ever look at medication that says, “Don’t take on an empty stomach”? Never a concern of mine. Doesn’t apply to me. You’re not supposed to go swimming till– technically I should never go swimming. Like, if you saw me in a pool, you’d be like, “Arrest that man! And tell him not to wear a Speedo.” I don’t need that image. I used to be thin, when I was six. I’ve put on some weight, but luckily, this is intentional. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m preparing for kind of a big role. It’s a cinnamon roll. I don’t want to look like I can’t finish it. You know what I mean? Once after a show, a woman came up to me, and she was like, “You’re not that fat,” like it was a compliment. I was like, “Well, thank you. You’re not that polite.” But I am fat. You know, some people should be fat, you know. We all have that friend who’s lost tons of weight. And when you see them, you think, “You looked better fat. You’re thin, but you look exhausted. Go back to being fat. Looking at you makes me want to sit down.” “Nothing tastes as good as thin.” I can think of a thousand things. Even unsalted French fries taste better than thin. You ever eat fries without salt on them? You’re like, “Huh, these could use some salt, but that would mean I’d have to get up and move. [audience laughing] I’ll just imagine there’s salt on them.” Feels like a sacrifice. You’re like, “What am I? A pioneer here? “Sucking it up. I should be on that show Survivor. Once I had fries without salt on them, so I could probably live anywhere, really.” [audience laughing] I just wish I wanted to eat something healthy. Recently, I saw an apple, and for a moment– just–just a moment– I didn’t recognize it. I was like, “What is that? Oh, that’s an apple! It’s so weird to not see it in a pie.” But fruit. No one really wants fruit. It’s too much work with fruit, right? You’ve got to wash it. You’ve got to peel off that sticker Al-Qaeda put on there. There’s work, like an orange… Has peeling an orange ever really been worth it? There’s not even chocolate in this. And some weirdos that use the gathering of fruit as an activity. “Why don’t we go apple picking?” “‘Cause I’d rather die.” You have to pay to pick apples. OK, how much do I owe you to work for you for free? Don’t rip me off. I’m no dummy. Yet we still act excited when we see fruit. We’re like, “Yay, fruit!” At least it’s not vegetables. ‘Cause no one wants vegetables. When you’re at a party and they have a vegetable tray, aren’t you surprised? You’re like, “Wow. That’s a waste of money. Hell, I’d rather eat a candle.” Oh, suddenly I’m the only one here that’s eaten a candle. OK, everybody. No one wants a vegetable tray. Everyone knows “crudite” is French for “throw away in a couple hours.” [audience laughing] I feel sorry for those vegetables on the tray. They’re like, “What am I doing here? I can’t compete with pigs in a blanket. I’m a cauliflower, for God’s sakes. Like that ranch dressing’s gonna help?” Ranch dressing. Some of us have to settle down with the ranch dressing. The usage is ridiculous. “I love ranch dressing. I like to dip my pizza in ranch dressing.” That’s fine. You’re just not allowed to vote anymore. ‘Cause ranch dress– You know how they make ranch dressing? Buttermilk and sadness. That’s the only ingredients. Interesting fact. Before they came up with ranch dressing, no one had eaten a raw vegetable ever. But we know we don’t want vegetables. But we haven’t wanted fruit for hundreds of years. That’s why there’s so many paintings in museums of just bowls of fruit. ‘Cause you could start painting a bowl of fruit. You could leave for a couple days, come back. No one would have touched the bowl of fruit. But if you’re painting a donut, you better finish it on the first sitting. You can’t even take a bathroom break. “Hey! What happened to my donut?” Your friends say, [imitates full mouth] “I don’t know. Some fat guy came in here. Anyway, I gotta get some milk and take a nap.” That’s why there’s no donut art. It’s sad, really. When’s the last time you saw a painting of a donut? The police, they love donuts, right? Hey, cop. Why don’t you get a donut? Cops love donuts. Which is an interesting stereotype, because you know who else loves donuts? Absolutely everyone. Of course cops love donuts, ’cause they know the difference between right and wrong. And not liking donuts is wrong! Have you ever met someone that doesn’t like a donut? You want to know why? Because they’re in jail. When you’re in a donut shop and you see a police officer, don’t you feel like something special’s happened? [gasps] An angel just got its wings. It’s special. [chuckling] I had a donut before I came onstage. I was with a friend last week. I was like, “You want to get a donut?” He was like, “I’m not hungry.” I’m like, “What does that have to do with it?” As if there’s ever been a good reason to eat a donut. Well, doctor says I need more powdered sugar in my diet. Donuts are bad for you, and according to my health nut wife, they’re “not appropriate for a trail mix,” you know. I’m just on a different trail, right? Mine leads to the emergency room. That joke will be even funnier when I die from cardiac arrest. “That’s why I didn’t laugh.” Donuts are all about taste. In Los Angeles, there’s a place called Yum Yum Donuts. It’s like, what? Do you need the IQ of one to find that appealing? Yum Yum? Me like yum yum. It’s like, who’s the target audience, cavemen? I know two thing. Yellow fireball rise in sky and Yum Yum Donuts. Yum Yum Donuts, yum yum. Now there’s gourmet donuts that are deep-fried in gold. I had a gourmet donut. I didn’t realize it was a gourmet donut. I just pointed at a donut, and the donut guy started ringing it up. He was like, “That’ll be $3.99.” I was like, “I only want one of them.” He was like, “That is the price of one of them.” Then there was this long, awkward pause where I waited for him to lean forward and go, “Just kidding.” But he didn’t. He just looked at me like, “Got you, tubby,” because he knew I’d pay because I was in a donut shop. It’s not like I was there to buy a yoga mat. Boston, this is like donut ground zero, right? Dunkies, Dunkies! [cheers and applause] I don’t know, I always eat the local specialty because I’m a pig. I did this big tour of the southern states, and I’ll tell you something. People in the South are nicer. They are. Even when they’re rude, they’re nice in the South. They’re like, “Y’all can go to hell.” You’re like, “Well, thank you. You too.” People in the South are nicer, but they’re slower, right? And I don’t mean intelligence-wise. They just move slower. It’s like, “Hey, your house is on fire.” “All right. I’ll get to that. But first, I need to drink me some sweet tea. Then I’ll deal with that pesky house of mine.” And I figured it out. It’s the biscuits and gravy. Everyone in the South moves like they’ve just had two helpings. They’re like, “I shouldn’t have had that second helping of…” This is a nine-year-old I’m pretending to be. “Of biscuits and gra–” In the South, they’re eating biscuits and gravy for breakfast. They’re not coming home drunk late at night, like, “I’ll eat anything.” They’re waking up, and they’re like, “Time for cement.” [chomping] Lunch, chicken and waffles. The South will never rise again ’cause they don’t have the energy. [laughter and applause] Because most of their dishes involve papier-mache. [cheers and applause] They’re essentially eating pinatas down there. That’s why they talk that way. Because after you eat biscuits and gravy, you can’t be expected to say “you” and “all.” “Good biscuits and gravy, y’all.” I’m surprised they even say “biscuits and gravy.” [speaks gibberish] y’all. And I’ll tell you something. Those biscuits and gravy are amazing. I had biscuits and gravy for breakfast for nine days straight. I still haven’t gone to the bathroom. That tour was 27 years ago. I love Southern food. Chicken and waffles. Fried chicken and waffles. Why? What should we serve with the fried chicken? French fries? No, something elegant. Like a waffle or a gyro or heroin. I know it’s lunch, but I want breakfast and diabetes, so I’ll have the chicken and waffles and a shake. Of course, you can’t talk about Southern food without bringing up grits, right? Grits, it’s like someone was like, “Hey, if you love the taste of biscuits and gravy “but without the taste of biscuits and gravy, then you’ll love our man-made wet sand.” I want to like grits. I do. I order them, and I’m like, “Are these undercooked or overcooked?” No wonder you came up with moonshine. Southerners are always like, “Y’all are eating that wrong. You’ve got to add a pound of cheese and a pound of sugar and 30 candy canes.” That’s what I love about the South. They don’t even try and hide the fact they’re eating unhealthy. In a restaurant, you’re like, “I guess I’ll order “the bucket of lard and the salt stick.” “Y’all want that deep-fried?” “Uh, OK.” “You want us to shoot at you while you eat it?” “Is that extra?” But there’s unhealthy eating everywhere. I was in Arizona and New Mexico, and there are people eating fried bread. There are stands that sell only fried bread. And I saw that, and I was like, “I found my people.” [laughter] Fried bread. I eat unhealthy, but come on. I know a donut’s fried bread, but at least we don’t call it “fried bread.” I mean, at what point do you even feel comfortable eating something called “fried bread”? “Have you ever eaten cake in the shower?” “A couple times.” “You’re ready for fried bread.” “Ever eaten in your car, so you don’t have to share with your children?” “Every day.” “You’re ready for fried bread.” Fried bread. That is the opposite of a diet, right? What are the basic elements of a diet? It’s like, all right, no fried food. No fried food. Got it. You gotta cut out all the bread. Cut out– hey, what about fried bread? Is there some kind of fried bread diet? Actually the term is “fry bread.” It’s not “fried bread.” It’s “fry bread.” It’s like a command, a call to action. If you aren’t already, fry bread. Let’s get fat. And I’m not judging those people. They’re actually more honest than us. Because we eat fried bread, but we do it in code. It’s like, “You want fried bread?” “No. I’ll have an elephant ear.” “You want fried bread?” [chuckles] “No. I’ll just have a beignet.” We’re like that guy at the party trying to find weed. “Hey, is your friend Bud gonna be here tonight? You know, he hangs out with that guy named Herb. He’s going out with the girl from Mexico named Marijuana.” I don’t know what you’re asking for. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to get fat. Last night, I was eating a pint of ice cream, and I finished it because I’m American, all right? I took off the lid, and I threw it away ’cause I’m not a quitter, everyone. [laughter] And because I care about the environment. I was conserving energy by not refreezing it. You’re welcome. Of course it was at night. You ever eat ice cream during the day? You’re like, what are we? Six years old? Did we just get our tonsils out? Why are there people around me? Shouldn’t I be alone watching Lifetime? Those hoarders, those are the ones with the problem. I was eating a pint of ice cream in sweatpants, like a man. My wife came in the room, and she was like, “Jim, are you gonna eat an entire pint of ice cream by yourself?” And I was like, “Hopefully. Unless you selfishly want a bite.” “Jim, you have a nine-year-old daughter. Don’t you want to be at her wedding?” “Not really. No. Wait, is there gonna be ice cream at her wedding? Because if you promise– I still don’t want to go.” How would attending a wedding, Why would that be an incentive? It’s like, “Don’t you die! In 18 years, there’s an awkward party you have to pay for! And we need you to write a check.” No, I understand weddings are an important event where we spend a lot of money so that the bride can pretend to be a princess! And marry her prince and live happily ever after because magic exists. [laughs] And we’re a bunch of weirdos. Weddings are kind of weird. I mean, what’s the logic? It’s like, “Well, we love each other. Why don’t we pretend we have a kingdom? [laughter] We’ll invite your parents’ friends and my parents’ friends, and we’ll have a banquet. And the two kingdoms shall come together as one. And we can start our married life with a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation.” It’s strange, right? I mean, weddings started off as these crude, medieval ceremonies where women, daughters were exchanged as property. Yet over the course of centuries, they got worse. [laughter] That’s why people cry at weddings. “I can’t believe we’re still wasting money on this.” Whenever I see someone crying at a wedding, “I always say, don’t worry. It probably won’t work out.” [laughter and applause] It is nice to be invited to a wedding, but you always look at that invitation like, “Ah, this is gonna cost me. Oh, good. It’s out of town. Wouldn’t want to use those vacation days for vacationing.” And you can tell how much a wedding’s gonna cost you by the type of invitation you receive. You’re like, “[gasps] Oh, no. This one’s made of baby skin.” [laughter] And that font and the language on that. “The honorable king slayer cordially invites you to the marriage of his 40-year-old daughter to her live-in boyfriend of 12 years. Bring thy wallet.” Because you have to get the newlyweds a gift because they’ve done nothing! So you go to the registry. The registry, which is a nice way of saying, “You don’t have to get us anything. But when you do, make sure it’s one of these things.” You ever go to the registry late, and you’re like, “Aw, the only thing left is a fork for $300. I guess we’ll be the fork friends. We’ll get them the fork.” My wife had us register for fine china because you never know when the Pope’s gonna swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate. My parents, growing up, my parents had fine china that you couldn’t even put in the dishwasher. “[gasps] Don’t get that wet. You need to clean it with a kitten. [laughter] It needs to be a white kitten.” [laughter and applause] At most weddings, the guests receive a gift, right? Sometimes it’s, like, a bag of almonds covered in candy. Thanks. I guess we’re even. Since you got me a bag of nuts. “Feel free to take the centerpiece.” Sure you don’t want us to bus some tables? Uh, I didn’t bring a broom, but I could sweep. It’s not always, like, nuts. Sometimes the gift is, like, a knickknack or a Happy Meal toy kind of thing. The last wedding we were at, everyone at the wedding got a wine stopper filled with sand because the theme of the wedding was waste. [laughter] I got in trouble when I asked the bride, I was like, “At what point are we supposed to jab this in our throat? During the first dance?” That’s horrible [chuckles] I do find it fascinating. There’s always a drunk person at a wedding, right? And I think it’s because there’s so many awkward moments. Like that receiving line as a guest? I never know what to say to those people. I always feel like I’ve just seen a friend in a play or something. “That was great. You were great up there. What you said. I like this program. Well, I’m gonna lie to someone else now. You were good too. You’re the grandma. We got them the fork. Is the bar open?” Some of those wedding rituals, have you been to one of the weddings where the groom removes the garter belt from the bride and flings it to a crowd of perverts? [laughter] Because he cherishes his… what? Who came up with that one? Hey, you know how the bride throws the bouquet? How ’bout something for the fellas? Maybe the bride’s underwear? What happens to that garter belt? Oh, I have it in a very special place. It’s in a room covered with photographs of the bride. And there’s candles and fried bread everywhere. [cheers, applause and laughter] I’m not against marriage. I’m happily married. I’m married to a beautiful woman, the type of woman that when I’m with her and people find out she’s my wife, there’s usually an audible “wow.” Which I suppose is flattering, but it hurts my feelings. I’m not a yeti. “Wow.” Someone could approach me and be like, “Jim, we’ve discovered your wife has no visual perception. [laughter] Yeah, yeah, we don’t need to correct that or anything. She doesn’t like glasses.” But I like being married. I like having someone to look out for me. And my wife wants me to live longer. We all want to live longer, but how much longer? Like, you ever see old people, really, really old people, the look on their face? They always have that look like, [screaming] I can’t believe I’m still here! I would have eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale? Can we stop with the kale propaganda? [cheers, applause and laughter] That stuff tastes like bug spray. I was looking at a can of bug spray. It said, “Made with real kale.” But that’s the latest health trend. There’s a new one every six weeks. When I was a little kid, cottage cheese, cottage cheese was considered healthy. My mom and my sisters, “We’re being healthy by eating this tub of cheese curds.” Because to be thin, you eat things that look like cellulite. Remember when pita was healthy? Pita’s not bread. It’s from the Middle East. Take cheese, bad for you. Put it in pita, it’s OK. That’s why when I smoke crack, I do it on pita. [laughter] We’re still in the middle of the wrap phase. Wraps are so good for you. When you roll food, it takes the calories out. It becomes a sandwich wand. Ta-da! No calories. It’s like sushi but not enjoyable. There’s good fats and bad fats. I like to think of myself as a good fat. I did discover that I’m gluten-free. -Anyone gluten-free here? Yeah? -[scattered cheers] I was just kidding. You’re a communist. [laughter and applause] Obviously, people that are gluten-free are like any other American, except for they’re allergic to wheat, the amber waves of grain. Doesn’t mean they don’t love their country. Just means they can’t stomach ♪ The purple mountains’ majesty ♪ Those are the people we should be screening at airports. Are you gluten-free/a terrorist? I don’t judge. I report. You decide. There’s a new milk every six weeks. Oh you shouldn’t be drinking cow’s milk. Don’t drink cow’s milk. You should drink soy milk. They discovered soy milk’s all estrogen. You should drink soy milk unless you want to have sons with testicles. Or you could drink rice milk. And they discovered rice milk is like drinking carbs. Or you could drink almond milk because almonds make milk. Unless you have a nut allergy. Then you could drink hemp milk, which is like a nut-free almond milk made from rope. [laughter] Or you can try this new milk that’s called cow’s milk. It’s big in Europe. But really, this is the kale era, right? Kale is a superfood, and its special power is tasting bad. It’s inedible. All you have to do is freeze-dry it, cover it in cayenne peppers, put it in a shake, and bury it in the ground. Kale is so good for you. It’s like a really bitter spinach with hair. Kale is so good for you. They could find out kale cures cancer, and I would still be like, “I’m just gonna do the chemo, all right? I’ve tried the kale. OK?” [laughter and applause] Haven’t we evolved as a species, so we no longer have to eat things like kale? You know there were cavemen, “One day, son, we no longer forage through weeds. We eat porterhouse steak and no longer sound like Cookie Monster. Now we go to Yum Yum Donut.” Kale. I just can’t stand the kale bragging. “I just had some kale.” No one asked you. People talk about kale like it’s a band. Have you seen that new album by Kale? I was at a school event because I have a thousand children. And one of the moms was nice enough to make a bean soup. So I went over, and I tasted it, and I said, “Oh, this is very good.” And she leaned forward, and she goes, “I snuck some kale in there.” And I wanted to throw the bowl at her. ‘Cause she was trying to impress me with a vegetable. Oh, wow. You smarty. But you know what? I blame Whole Foods. I do. They’re just bored at Whole Foods. They’re like, “What else can we sell these idiots? Just get me a plant. Not that one. That’s poison ivy. Wait. Can we make milk out of that? Give me the other one. What is this? Kale? It tastes bad? They’ll think it’s good for them. Charge 20 bucks for it.” And we’re like, “Ah.” But I go to Whole Foods. I do. I waste my money there. They should just have a garbage can at the entrance of Whole Foods with a picture of a wallet over it. You just go… OK, how many items do I get? I get two? OK, um, I’ll have the grapes for 500. And, Alex, I’ll have the loaf of bread made of wood for 10. [laughter] I’ll put the rest on my Amazon wish list. What is the business idea of Whole Foods? It’s like Costco, but instead of bulk, you get nothing. You ever look at your bill when you’re leaving Whole Foods? You’re like, “Wow, I’m really not good at managing money.” [laughter] Because you only remember how expensive it is when you get there. You’re like, “These prices… I’m too lazy to go to another store. You win again, Whole Foods. Tricked me again.” You guys are nice. I should have showered. I’m sure most of you showered. Yeah. There’s probably one or two weirdos out there that took a bath. A bath, how much free time do you have on your hands? What, are you taking a break from ruling ancient Egypt? I don’t have anything to do, and I’ll never have anything to do, so I’ll just sit in a pool of my own filth. [laughter] Ah, luxury. I should probably take a shower after this bath, huh? I have taken a bath. It always seems like it’s gonna be relaxing. You’re like, “Ah. This is so boring! No wonder people kill themselves in these things, huh?” Don’t worry. No one here has killed themselves in a bath. My point is no one takes baths except for that weird couple in the Cialis commercial. What kind of disposable income does that couple have? “Honey, after our pill-induced lovemaking, what do you say we sit in the side-by-side tubs on the porch?” What is the message of that commercial? This pill is so good, you’re gonna have to take a bath afterwards. I’d do separate baths. Hell, do it outside. It’s gonna be messy. You know what I mean, fellas? Those erectile dysfunction commercials are just there to ruin your night. They’re like, “You enjoying your show? Just a reminder, in a couple years, you’re gonna need a pill to do anything. Back to your show.” I took a shower. Didn’t happen right away. You ever have one of those days? You’re like, “Ah, I got to take a shower.” Just hours pass. “Ah, I still got to take a shower.” And then when you finally do, it feels like such an accomplishment. “Hey, I took a shower. I’m a go-getter. Showerer. Well, time for bed.” Shampooed and conditioned my hair, as you can tell. You got to condition your hair because everyone else does. Someone told me the reason we’re supposed to condition our hair is because we shampoo our hair too often. So instead of using one product less often, we just added another product. Yeah, my wife didn’t like me drinking beer every night, so to make her feel better, I started drinking beer and whiskey. Maybe that’ll get her off my back. Who’s that guy? Shampoo and conditioner. Always identical bottles for no other reason but to confuse us. You ever accidentally pour out the conditioner first? You’re like, “Oh, crap! That’s, like, 3 bucks!” You ever try and put it back in? You’re like… [laughter] “Damn hole’s too small.” I always end up holding on to it and open the shampoo bottle with the other hand. Now, I’ll just mix that together. Hope that doesn’t start a fire or something. There is that product. It’s shampoo and conditioner in one. I don’t trust it. I don’t like my peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. That’s for Goobers. That joke’s for goobers. There are so many goos and potions in our showers. And they’re all just soaps with different names, right? This is a soap for your hair. This is a soap for your body. This is a facial scrub, which is soap with sand in it. [laughter] My favorite shower goo or potion, though, has to be body wash and not just because it sounds creepy. It’s like, “Hey, I got you some body wash.” “Yeah, I got you a restraining order.” Body wash. Wash the body. Body wash. I’m gonna wash your body… [whispers] while you sleep. You can only use body wash on your body. Use it on your face, you die. It’s the truth. I remember when they first introduced body wash. I was at a drugstore, and I was like, “This is so stupid.” Body wash. Now I’m like, “Honey, we’re all out of body wash. Can you get some more body wash? That soap’s so hard to use. Get the body wash that has ‘energy’ printed on it. I need my body wash to give me energy.” That’s what’s printed on our bottle of body wash. “Energy” in bold. Like, they didn’t even bother to think of a misleading adjective that made sense. Oh, what should we put on the bottle of body wash? Fuel-efficient. [laughter] Low-calorie. Something like that. But it doesn’t matter what it says on all those goos and potions, right? They’re snake oils, because when it comes to cleanliness, we will believe anything. We’re like, “Oh, a facial scrub made of avocados. That makes sense. And it only costs $50. Funny, I bought an avocado today for 99¢. [gasps] Well, this must be good shampoo. It’s from France. And they’re known for cleanliness. [laughter and applause] At least I think it’s shampoo. Douche de what? The French are douching their hair?” I did that joke in Montreal, and no one laughed. It really comes down to we don’t want to smell, right? You ever catch yourself smelling, and you’re like, “Oh, my God. I gotta… smell that again.” You’re, like, drawn to it. You’re like, “That is alluring.” “Honey, get over here. I got a treat for you.” But we smell because we’re animals, right? We’re just self-cleaning animals. We’re like cats. We’re like… I know we’re supposed to be like apes, but they’re picking bugs off each other and eating it. We’re like cats. We self-clean. We’re grumpy. We’re finicky eaters. I don’t want to eat that. I don’t feel like eating that right now. We like to think we’re like dogs. I mean, I wish I was a dog. Dogs are always in a good mood. They’re like, “What is that? Throw-up? I’ll eat it. I don’t care. I’m just happy to be here.” Dogs are happy to be anywhere. You ever see a homeless guy with a dog? The dog’s like, “This isn’t that bad. I was begging for food anyway. I mean…” [laughter] But we’re more like cats, right? But we can’t even be like a cat because a cat could scratch itself on a stationary object, and we’d be like, “That’s adorable.” But if I scratch myself on a mannequin at Victoria’s Secret, they call security. If I’m just like, “Oh, I got an itch here.” Especially if I’m purring, if I’m like… [purring] Lots of undies around here, huh? You can’t do that in Victoria’s Secret. I have been to Victoria’s Secret. I had a reason. You know, as a man, you need a reason to be in Victoria’s Secret. You can’t just be in there like, “I’m looking around. See what you ladies are buying.” I was getting my wife something for Valentine’s Day. You have to reach a point in a relationship where you can get a woman something from Victoria’s Secret. It’s not like a first-date thing, like, “Thanks for meeting me for dinner. I got you a bustier. Why don’t you go in the bano and throw that on?” [laughter] Secretly, every guy wants to go in Victoria’s Secret. We walk by in the mall. We’re like, “Oh, one day. One day, I’ll have a reason.” Because, you know, we’ve seen the catalog. You don’t even have to search out the catalog. It just shows up in your mail. You’re like, “Oh, what’s this? Seems like there’s some good articles in here. If I wasn’t married, I could get rejected by all these women.” And guys, we’re just dumb enough, we see that Victoria’s Secret store, and we think, “Maybe that’s where those models live. They’re probably in there right now, walking around in angels’ wings. They’re probably in there having a pillow fight right now. If I could find a practical reason to go in there, it would be amazing.” And then you finally go into Victoria’s Secret, and it’s like a Greyhound bus station. What, are you guys in between shifts in here? Where’s all the angels? There’s just stressed out salesladies with headsets on. “Underwear, underwear, underwear.” [laughter] “Where’s the open bar?” But you’re still a guy in a woman’s underwear store. And you don’t want to look like a creep. That’s why every man at Victoria’s Secret has the same expression on his face of, “Boring! This is place is boring because I’m not a pervert. There’s nothing stimulating in here because it’s boring to me, especially those huge posters of supermodels mostly naked. Boring.” [chuckles] I didn’t know what I was looking for, so I went up to a saleslady who had the warmth of a TSA screener. “What do you want?” “Nothing. I didn’t touch anything. I’m leaving.” I was trying to be discreet. I was like, “Look, I’m looking for something for my wife. She’s very intelligent. She’s creative.” Because you can’t say, “I’m looking for a slutty outfit.” “She volunteers. She’s organized. Maybe that French maid’s outfit would be good.” Then I was thrown because the saleslady was like, “What size?” And I was like, “Size? Uh, female? Small?” Because you don’t want to guess too big. You don’t want to be like, “Hey, you’ll grow into it. I thought you was much bigger.” You can’t ask a stranger, like, “Hey. Excuse me there, lady. You look like you got a keister like my wife’s. What size undies you got there? Maybe you could try on this outfit I got.” I just wanted it over with. When I was paying, I assumed the awkwardness was over until they handed me my purchase in a bright pink Victoria’s Secret bag that I had to carry around the mall the rest of the day that might as well have just said “pervert” on the side. [humming] ♪ Me and my ladies’ undies ♪ [laughter] I like ladies’ undies so much, I got a bag full of them. ♪ Heading into Burger King ♪ Yeah, I’ll have a Whopper with cheese and a small fries for the ladies’ undies. When I got home, I realized you have to find the right time to give your gift from Victoria’s Secret. You can’t be like, “Hey, when you’re done changing that diaper, I got another changie-poo for you. It’s a little gift from me to you that’s really for me.” Because if you’re buying a woman something from Victoria’s Secret, it’s really a gift for you. It’s like, “Here, I got me this. [laughter] Thank you. I’m welcome.” I am never going back there again. I don’t know. It’s good to be here in Boston. [cheers and applause] Oh, I love Boston… This is a… Boston’s a tough city, right? It’s like, Boston! Boston! Lob-stah! I love the Boston energy. And you guys, all of New England, you guys love your seafood, and it’s just disgusting. Lob-stah! Lob-stah! I was vacationing on Cape Cod because I’m white.] And… [laughter and applause] I was at this seafood restaurant, right? And this guy came over to our table. Wasn’t even our waiter. He came over to the table. He was like, “Hey, I couldn’t help…” I don’t know how to do the Boston accent. “You’re not eating lobster. Is there a reason why you’re not eating lob-stah?” And I was like, “Uh, I thought I’d order what I want. I wasn’t really in the mood for bug meat.” Because that’s what shellfish are. They’re just creepy-crawly, giant insects on the bottom of the ocean. You know fish are swimming around like, “We got to get an exterminator up in this piece.” They’re bugs. They have a shell like a bug. They have spindly legs and crawl around like a bug. They have antennae like a monster. [laughter] They’re probably monsters. Like, if you went home and you saw a chicken in your house, you’d be like, “What the hell’s a chicken doing in my house?” But if you saw a lobster, you’d be like, “We’re moving.” [laughter] Because there’s not a nickel’s worth of difference between a lobster and a giant scorpion. Now, I understand everyone loves lobster, “I love lobster.” Hey, I like butter too, OK? How can I eat three sticks of butter? Well, I found this giant, swimming sea scorpion. It’s just a spoonful of butter helps the bug meat go down. In the most delightful way. Lobster tail. Is that the area near the butt? Mmm. That’s what I want, a little turf and bug butt. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. How about those restaurants where you have to pick out your own lobster? You’re like, “I guess I’ll take that one that’s really struggling with the rubber bands. [laughter] He seems appealing. Why don’t we boil him to death?” Why am I involved in this decision? But the Northeast? It’s all shellfish. Maryland with the crab. Isn’t it kind of a red flag you need a hammer to eat a crab? Oh, you’re having the crab? Let me get you some tools, so you can crack open that bug shell and get that half a bite of bug meat. Crab, it’s too much work. They’re like the pistachio of seafood. And there’s that nasty part of the crab you’re not supposed to eat. I think it’s called all of it! ‘Cause they’re crabs, as in the sexually transmitted disease. That has the same name because it’s the exact same thing! They’re just the baby version of the dinner crab. You know God’s up in heaven going, “What do I gotta do to stop them from eating the crabs? I gave it a rock-hard shell. I put it on the bottom of the ocean. I named a disease after it. Jesus, you’re gonna have to go back down there.” [laughter and applause] I don’t even know how people order crabs with a straight face. “Yeah, my wife and I… You know what? I’ll get crabs, and I’ll give her some. [laughter and applause] Don’t tell her. I want it to be a surprise.” Even the crab as a creature is creepy. It always looks like it’s trying to avoid an awkward situation. [laughter] “Is that… Oh, I owe that guy money. Crap.” Clams and oysters. How did we even start eating those? “Hey, I found a rock with a snot in it. I was thinking of eating it.” “Go ahead.” “All right.” [slurps] “What’s it taste like?” “Pneumonia.” [laughter] Oysters on the half shell. As opposed to what, in a Kleenex? Even the way you’re supposed to eat an oyster… Squeeze some lemon, a little hot sauce, throw it down the back of your throat, take a shot of vodka, and try and forget you ate a snot from a rock. That’s not how you eat something. That’s how you overdose on sleeping pills. Pearls come from oysters. Yeah, I try not to eat things that also make jewelry. [laughter] Oysters are an aphrodisiac? Why would we ever believe that? What do you say you and I grab some snots from a rock? See what happens. Maybe we’ll end up at my place. Maybe we’ll end up at the emergency room. Let it happen, baby. Clam chowder. How can we sell more clams? Why don’t we put it in a soup that looks like vomit? [laughter] He went too far. Let’s kill him. But most seafood gives me the willies. Like anchovies. What exactly is the difference between an anchovy and a sweaty eyebrow? [laughter] Because whenever I see an anchovy, I think, “Someone has attacked Tom Selleck.” Why would you put that in a salad? Squid, more like the swimming sea spider. “But I like calamari.” You could deep-fry a rubber hose, it would taste good. A little cocktail sauce, this is good hose. Octopus? Really? “Octo” meaning “eight,” “pus” meaning “really?” Yes. The pus part’s my favorite. The suction cups remind me we need a new bathtub mat. I wish I liked seafood. I do. I live near Chinatown in New York because I’m Chinese. [laughter] And like most Chinatowns, a lot of the restaurants in Chinatown have live seafood tanks in the windows. And I’m always like, “Uh, do you want us to come in there, or are these sea monsters protecting your establishment?” Because I is scared. And I love Chinese food, and I love the Chinese culture. And I’m not just saying that because we’re all gonna be working for them in six months. The Chinese have an amazing culture. They do. 3,000 years ago, they were doing brain surgery in China, yet they still haven’t figured out dessert. You ever go to a Chinese restaurant? I’m not talking about the fancy Chinese restaurant that has the tea ice cream that tastes like a pack of menthol cigarettes. [laughter] I’m talking about a regular Chinese restaurant where the dessert options, there’s two, right? There’s sliced oranges. Whoa. I don’t want to overwork the kitchen. Oranges? What, did a schooner just arrive from the Caribbean? Looks like our scurvy’s cured, fellas. There’s sliced oranges, or there’s the fortune cookie, which is not even a Chinese thing. It’s an American thing, and we gave it to them. And they were like, “We don’t want it.” And we were like, “It’s now part of your ethnic identity.” [laughter] Don’t you feel like the fortune in every fortune cookie should be, “You are about to eat a stale cookie”? Hey, my fortune came true! Everyone has the same reaction to fortune cookies. They’re always like, “These things are so stu– What does mine say?” Like there’s some ancient wisdom in there. As if Confucius himself was putting a tiny piece of paper into a tiny typewriter. “Happiness is a… long journey.” 15. 31. [laughter] 12. Put this in a stale cookie for me, would you? It’s like they wait for them to be stale. How old are these, 1990? Let’s wait a little longer. I do feel sorry for the person who created the cookie that ended up being the fortune cookie because they were probably pretty proud. They were like, “Hey, you gonna try my new cookie? “Tell me what you think of it. Try my new cookie. Tell me what you think.” “All right. I’ll try it. Here you go. “Mmm, oh. You know what this could use is some paper. Oh, this would be good for holding a note or a recipe for a good cookie.” [laughter] “How much do you think I could charge for it?” I’d give it away with the check. You got a spit bucket around here?” [laughter] But I love Asian food. I love Kobe beef. I know I look like a vegetarian, but I’m not. Kobe beef, if you’re not familiar with that, that comes from cows that are fed beer and massaged with sake. I heard that, and I was like, “I want to be Kobe beef. Where do I sign up for–” Those are some happy cows. They have no idea they’re on death row. They’re like, “This is the life! [cackles] A little lower. A little lower, honey. What the hell, this cow’s going for another beer. You Japanese love design. That sake bottle actually looks like a hatchet. Ow!” It’s just a drunk cow, and it’s appealing. Which means it’s only a matter of time, “[gasps] You have to try this chicken. It was raised solely on Doritos.” “What kind?” “Cool Ranch.” But really Kobe beef shows you how decadent we’ve become, right? Now it’s not enough that we live a life of luxury. Now we need to eat things that have lived a life of luxury. “I understand this cow had a good life, but did it go to private school? I only eat cows that went to private school.” “It did.” “Do you have anything on your menu that owned a boat?” [laughter] Kobe beef, it’s an interesting idea, right? It must have been a surprise for someone along the way. It’s like, “You like that steak?” “This is the best steak I’ve ever had in my life.” “You know, I fed that cow some beers.” “You got the cow drunk?” “Yeah, and then I was massaging it.” “What? [laughter] Why? Why were you massaging an animal you gave a lot of alcohol to?” “So you could enjoy it.” “So I could enjoy it? “I’m not hungry anymore. I’m gonna go call Special Victims Unit. Let’s see what Olivia Benson thinks of this.” [cheers, laughter and applause] But really we don’t want to think about what we’re eating. You know, I love hot dogs. You can’t eat a hot dog in public. There’s always one friend that’s like, “Do you know what those are made of?” I don’t want to know because hot dogs are like strippers. No one wants to know the backstory. [laughter and applause] “Well, when I was 12–” Not interested. Let’s put mustard on that. I can say that joke because I used to be a stripper. I was so good, they paid me to put my clothes back on. It was ridiculous. We don’t like to think about what we’re eating. Buffalo wings, chicken wings, I’m sure you savages eat those. Those are baby chickens’ wings that you’re eating. I don’t eat those. I eat the chicken legs. I would never take away a bird’s ability to fly. Some people are like, “Oh, chickens can’t fly.” How do we know? They’ve become too dependent on those legs. Legs are making birds lazy. You ever see footage of a hippo crossing a river? There’s always a bird sitting on its back. How lazy is that bird? It’s gonna take the hippo ten minutes to get across that river. That bird could glide across. That bird, I want to eat their legs. Mostly because I’m pro-hippo. [laughter] I see some of you are drinking. That’s not the answer. It’s not. Eating is. It’s amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes, right? Because even as a teenager, you know it’s wrong. You’re like, “You know, I don’t like the taste of it, but I want to look cool.” And then in your 20s, you’re like, “You know what? This kind of gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex.” And then in your 40s, you’re like, “You know what? This is the only thing I like about being alive.” [cheers, laughter and applause] It’s only funny because it’s true. I’m sure some of you are gonna go to some bars, head to a bar, right? [scattered cheers] Yeah. I never really feel comfortable right when I get in a bar. I’m always kind of like, “Who are all these strangers?” But after a couple beers, I’m like, “These guys are probably my best friends.” Because your experience in a bar changes over the course of the night, right? As the night goes on, you see really why we go to bars. We go to bars, so we can behave like children. Toddlers, really. You ever go to a bar at 2:00 a.m.? You might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school. It’s the same experience. The behavior’s the same in both places. Both places, there’s always some strange yelling for no reason at all. You know, “Whoo, whoo, whoo!” Both places, you go in the bathroom, it’s obvious not everyone’s potty-trained. [laughter] Both places, there’s always someone crying, “She was my best friend. But not anymore.” Both places, occasionally there’s a fight. “You know, he was standing where I wanted to stand, so I punched him in the head. I need more juice.” But at 2:00 a.m., people are drunk in bars. I love how we’re always surprised when someone’s drunk in a bar. We’re actually shocked. We’re like, “Look at that guy. He’s wasted. In a bar. I came here to read a novel.” Mostly the people that are drunk in bars are drunk because they’re drinking shots. And really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. No one’s ever drank a shot and then done something they’re proud of. “I got wasted last night, and then I went out and built some low-income housing.” [laughter and applause] That never happens. You always wake up the next day, and you’re like, “I need a new identity. Maybe two of them.” Because if you’re drinking shots, it’s either your birthday, or you’re trying to forget you were ever born. There is something honest about a shot. It’s like, “I want to get right to the embarrassing part of the night, right to pants off.” But we don’t even drink shots. We take them like they’re medicine. This’ll cure my normal behavior. Everyone acts like we’re in a Western. [hums Western music] That’ll give me the courage to confront this plate of nachos. [hums Western music] Strangers will buy you a shot on your birthday. “Hey, I don’t know you. Let me buy you a shot.” This never happens with anything else. Hey, what do you say? You and me, let’s do some appetizers. Jalapeno poppers, mano a mano. You got to turn that shot down before they get it poured, because once it’s poured, they act like you’re rejecting a sweater they crocheted you. “You know how hard I worked on this?” You didn’t at all. But I don’t mind the bars, unless they’re really crowded, you know, like, five or six people deep at the bar. Everyone’s competing for the bartender’s attention. We look like we’re trying to get disaster relief from the Red Cross. We’re like… [laughter] “I need mine more than he needs his.” I can never get the bartender’s attention. I’m always like… We try and make eye contact. Show him you have money. I have cash. But you can’t try too hard in a crowded bar. You have to act all cool. You gotta be like, “I don’t even care if I get served. I just like standing in crowded, uncomfortable places. Later on, I’m gonna swing by the airport and see what that TSA line’s like. I like the lines.” Never enough bartenders in a crowded bar. Those bartenders look like they’re in the middle of a triage unit. They’re like, “Get me 40ccs of something.” Never enough bartenders. You ever get faked out by the arrival of a barback? You’re like, “Finally, another bar– it’s a barback.” And those poor barbacks, they always act like they’re not qualified to serve you. Like, [gasps] “Oh, no, no, no, no. “I can carry 12 cases up a narrow staircase, but handing you a beer? Not yet. [laughter and applause] I’m still learning from the master.” Because in a crowded bar, the bartender is the master, right? All the authority goes to that. Some of them act like they’re not even obligated to serve you. They’re like, “I don’t know what I’m gonna do with all this booze. Maybe I’ll just pour it out and make a puddle.” And we fall for it. We’re like, “Well, it’s either deal with this guy or make it in our bathtub at home. Damn Prohibition.” There’s male and female bartenders. Female bartenders, they always seem a little tougher than they need to be, right? I don’t want to say “bitchy” because that would describe them perfectly. [laughter] Not all of them. Some female bartenders definitely give off that vibe like, “Don’t hit on me. Treat me with respect. And don’t be distracted by the fact I’m wearing a bikini. OK, honey?” They always call you “honey,” like they’re your grandma or something. “What can I get you, honey?” “I don’t know. A birthday card with $2 in it? [laughter and applause] Uh, maybe a beer, if you’re not too busy condescending me.” But if you’ve been to a bar, you’ve probably been to a filthy public restroom. We’ve all been in those bars where you’re like, “Oh, wow. Now I know why they serve alcohol here.” And when I’m talking about the filthy bathroom, I’m talking about the men’s room. I don’t know about the ladies’ room. I haven’t been in there in, like, a week. But the men’s room, I don’t know what happens to guys when we go into a public restroom. Some anger comes out. Some of the stuff that’s written on the walls? You never have a friend admit it. Like, “Hey, give me a second. I’ve got to pee and draw a swastika. I’ll be right back.” [laughter] There’s guys writing things on the walls, and then there are the guys that reply. Some guy will write, “This place sucks.” Another guy will write, “No, you suck.” As if that first guy is ever gonna see that. Like he’s gathering up his friends– “Well, this is what I wrote on this– Hey, wait a minute! That guy said I suck. You double suck.” But all public restrooms, even when you go– even at fancy places. You ever go in the restroom, and there’s a bathroom attendant? Aren’t you always like, “Oh, no”? Call me a loner, but if there’s one thing I don’t want anyone attending, it’s when I’m using the restroom. Let alone someone sticking around to sell me a paper towel. They don’t sell. They always wave it at you, like, “Here. You don’t have to tip me You can just have bad luck the rest of your life.” [chuckles] And you have to tip the bathroom attendant. You can’t justify not tipping. You can’t be like, “Ah, he doesn’t need it. He’s just working next to a toilet.” [laughter] You have to tip the bathroom attendant. Sometimes the bathroom attendant will have an incentive for a tip. They’ll have, like, gum and cologne on a shelf. No thanks on the gum. I’m sure a lot of that flavor’s probably been knocked away here in your office. “Where’d you get the gum?” “Bathroom. Yeah, some stranger in half a tux sold it to me.” “What flavor is it?” “Bathroom.” And the cologne, You know, talk about a place you don’t want to pick up a scent. “Ooh, you smell different.” “Bathroom again. Same guy had a jug of liquid sitting on a shelf. I just sprayed myself. Good guy. I’m moving in with him.” [laughter] The most memorable public restroom I was in was a New York City park men’s room, which doubles as a crime scene, the difference being that crime scenes are eventually cleaned up. We’ve all been in those scary bathrooms. You’re like, “What happened in here?” The lights are on, but it’s really dark. There’s water everywhere. For some reason, there’s a film crew from Ghost Hunters. But I had to go in there. I was with my three-year-old. And, you know, three-year-olds, they don’t tell you when they need to use the bathroom. They tell you when they’re about to use the bathroom. “You have to go potty?” “Almost done.” [laughter] My three-year-old’s now four. I also have a nine-year-old and an eight-year-old and a two-year-old and a one-year-old. I have five kids. I used to have more, but I ate them. Five kids. I love it, but I don’t know what happened. Ten years ago, I couldn’t get a date, and now my apartment’s literally crawling with babies. It’s like I left peanut butter out or something. Strangers, for some reason, think I’m unaware that it’s a lot of kids. “Five kids. That’s a lot of kids.” “Oh, you think so? Thanks for the heads-up. Do you mind if I stab you in the head?” The best is when I’m alone with my five kids and inevitably struggling, and some stranger will come up to me and go, “Looks like you got your hands full.” [laughter] Why would you say that? It’s like going up to someone in a wheelchair, “Looks like you don’t do a lot of dancing.” [laughter] “Looks like you got your hands full.” Yeah. I could still punch you. But it is a lot of kids, you know. We’ve jumped the shark. Because when you have four kids, people are like, “Wow,” but when you have five, people are like,”Just stop. What, are you creating your own nationality? Settle down. Is there gonna be a country called ‘Gaffganistan’? Make a plan.” Big family. Big families are like water bed stores. They used to be everywhere, and now they’re just weird. Some people think it’s religious. Like, “You have all those kids for religious reasons.” That’s not how it works. If anything, you have four or five kids, and then you become religious. Because once you lose a kid at the mall, you know, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away. You’re like, “Hey, God. I know I haven’t talked to you in a while, probably since finals in high school. Anyway, if you could help me find my son, I promise I’ll change my life. I’ll stop going to Wendy’s. Oh, there he is. Never mind, God. [laughter] Well, we’re off to Wendy’s.” ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ “Talk to you when I get cancer.” ♪ Doo doo doo doo ♪ Because that’s how it works, right? We really only reach out when we have a crisis. That’s got to be annoying for God. He’s gotta be like, “Well, well, well. Someone gets the big ‘C,’ and they turn into Billy Graham all of a sudden. I seem to remember when you were in college, I ‘didn’t exist.’ But now you’re Chatty Cathy.” A joke that combines cancer and religion, always a crowd pleaser. Those are two topics we don’t like to discuss. We don’t even like the word “cancer.” We always whisper it, like, [whispers] “Cancer,” as if the devil’s listening. “I heard you say it, and now you’ve got it.” “I was whispering.” “You’ve got it twice for trying to hide it from the devil.” “When did the devil start passing out cancer?” “You’ve got it three times for doubting the devil “can pass out cancer. “You’ve got it four times for bringing up the devil too many times in one joke.” [laughter] I used to be afraid of cancer. Now I get a headache, and I’m like, “Good. “It’s almost over. Let’s wrap it up. Looks like I’m not paying for that wedding after all.” [laughs] That’s horrible. It’s in my future. Look at me. I’m like skin cancer waiting to happen. Cancer probably doesn’t even see me as a challenge. “I could do that in a half an hour. Send in an intern.” But we’re sensitive because we’ve all lost someone. I’m surprised we even ask what grandparents die of at this point. “My grandpa died.” “What kind of cancer?” “He was hit by a bus.” “That’s called bus cancer.” But we say we’re afraid of cancer. We don’t really behave like we are. We know what causes it. Smoking causes cancer. Yeah, I only smoke when I’m drinking. Which is constant, really. We know the products that cause cancer. Every six months, there’s a new sugar replacement. “Here’s a new sugar replacement. No calories.” A week later, it causes cancer. They don’t even take it off the shelves. “Hey, there’s the one that causes cancer, and it’s on sale.” So then we’re faced with a sugar predicament. Do I use the stuff that’ll kill me or the stuff that’ll make me fat? Ah, what’s a little cancer? If he does another cancer joke, I’m gonna kill him before he can ever get it. My zodiac sign is Cancer. What a rip-off. [laughter and applause] I remember when I was eight and I was finding out my sign. My brother was like, “What am I? What am I?” And my sister was like, “You’re a Capricorn.” And I was like, “Oh, and me? What am I? What am I?” “Cancer.” “Oh, no! I killed Grandma. What’s my symbol?” “Crabs.” “Oh, no.” It all gets sewn together so pretty. It is a pretty thing sewn together. [laughter and applause] But I like being a dad. I do. We have a one-year-old at home, who for the first year of his life, has slept a total of one minute. But it’s worth it, you know. There’s screaming, there’s smells, you don’t sleep. I was out of town, and I drove by a skunk, and all I could think was, “I miss my baby.” [laughter] Because babies are magic. They are. Because they’re the worst roommates. Like, if you had a roommate that did one of the things a newborn does, you’d be like, “You’re moving out. I mean–” You can’t even reason with a baby. You can’t be like, “What the hell was going on last night? You were hitting the bottle pretty hard. Then you started screaming, and you threw up on me. Then you passed out and wet yourself. I went in the other room to get you some dry clothes. I come back, you’re all over my wife’s breasts. Dude, you got to move out. I mean…” It’s always fun when the mother breast-feeds. The baby always looks right at the dad like, “What are you gonna do about it? Man of the house, my ass. Why don’t you take a walk? Leave your credit card.” Every year, when my wife has her annual baby, [laughter] it feels that way. By the way, the gifts stop after the second kid. With the fifth kid, people barely respond to the email announcement. “Ah, we’ll get them next baby.” Once I had a friend come up to me and go, “Hey, congratulations on the new baby. I know how you feel. We just got a puppy.” I said, “What?” And I love dogs, so I understand it. But, like, babies are the only types of humans that can be compared to an animal and it’s OK. Like, you could never be like, “Heard you’re getting married. I know how you feel. I used to have a pig. [laughter] Bit of advice on a hot day, Hose that bride down. She’ll love it because they can’t breathe, their skin can’t.” Twice a year, I travel. I tour with my kids. We get on a tour bus, and we go to, like, some destination. Last spring break, we went to Mount Rushmore. [man from audience] Whoo! That’s the most applause Mount Rushmore’s ever gotten. I feel sorry for Mount Rushmore. You know, people used to go there on their honeymoon. And now, I bring up Mount Rushmore, and people look at me like I’m talking about a TV show that was canceled ten years ago. “Is that still going on?” Yeah, it’s a mountain! It’s still going on. And you know what? It’s beautiful. And the Black Hills of South Dakota are… You know, they’re sacred to the Lakota Indians. And out of respect, our government carved four white guys into one of the mountains. [laughter and applause] “This land is sacred.” “How about that mountain?” “Very sacred.” “Good. We got an idea.” Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Another gift for you guys. Ding, ding, ding, ding. These guys were all about freedom. Ding, ding, ding. Especially the two guys that owned slaves. [laughter] But there’s so much stimulation in our lives. We don’t know what to make of four faces on a mountain. You know, my kids didn’t know what to think. They were like, “Is one of the eyes gonna blink?” And I was like, “I don’t know. Take a look because I’m never coming back here.” That is all for me. Thank you so much, you guys. I appreciate it. Thank you. [cheers and applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-ill-never-own-a-helicopter-transcript/ | Bill Burr: “I’ll Never Own a Helicopter” | Transcript | bill burr | Comedy Central Stand-Up Bill Burr explains how watching MTV Cribs lowers his self-esteem, describes an incident he witnessed on the subway and shares why office work isn’t for him. * * * Male Announcer: From New York City, Comedy Central presents: Bill Burr! [Cheers and applause] Alright, thank you. Thank you very much. Nice to be here in this beautiful theater. I didn’t do anything today. I’m a loser, man. You know what I was doing? I was sitting around, watching that show MTV Cribs. You guys know that show? The one where they show all the rock stars’ and rappers’ houses and all their stuff? Doesn’t that show make you feel like a loser? It kills my self-esteem. I’m sitting there watching Britney Spears. She’s like 20 years old. She’s like, “Oh my god, this is my helicopter. I had it spray-painted pink to match my top today. So cool. I put some glitter on the chuff-chuff-chuff part. We’re gonna fly up to the house.” I’m 34, sitting on a futon, eating macaroni and cheese like, “Oh my god. I’m a loser! I’ll never own a helicopter!” You know what I love about that show though? All they’re doing is showing you what not to do when you get rich. Seriously, ’cause none of those people are saving their money. Half of them only have one hit album, so should they really be buying all of that stuff? A 20-room house and 17 cars. It’s just like, “Dude, don’t you watch Behind the Music? Haven’t you learned anything from that program? You’re gonna be smoking crack in six weeks. Save your money.” No, they’re dumb. I’ll tell you right now, if you want to know how to be rich, don’t look at a rapper, don’t look at a rock star, look at a guy like Bill Gates. That dude is so good at being rich it’s irritating. He makes like $30 million a day, and look at him. He dresses like he works in a shoe store, but that’s why he’s always gonna be rich. He’s not showing off, trying to buy all this flashy stuff, like walking around with an iced-out laptop medallion hanging off his neck, wearing a fuzzy pimp hat to the side, sitting in a hot tub with some bitches, having a midget in his crew just for the hell of it. [Laughter and applause] Have you noticed that’s the new status symbol of rich people? Midgets. I’m serious. No entourage is complete now unless you have a midget. And you know what? That’s good for midgets. Seriously, ’cause historically, those people have not gotten good jobs. Even when they book a movie, they never get to be the lead, never get to be the hero. They always have to play a troll or a fairy running out from under a bridge, biting on somebody’s leg. So I was listening to George Bush today. You guys like George? Well, yes? No? I like George. You know what I like about George? He makes me feel like I could be president too. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] No, he does. He’s like the first guy from my reading level, you know? Like, the first guy from my math class to finally go out and do something. You know what I love about George? He can’t say the word “terror.” He can’t. He uses the word every speech, but he can’t say terror. He goes, “ter.” That’s what he says. He goes, “America will not stand for ter, anybody who supports ter. If you’re a ter’ist, we’re gonna get you.” What kind of president goes, “We’re gonna get you”? [Laughter and applause] He’s like some redneck they dragged out of a barbecue, put him in a suit. Just standing on stage going, “We’re gonna get you.” He should just be up there with a couple of bloodhounds going, “Go get ’em, Blue. Smell the shirt. Go get ’em. Damn, that Blue’s a good dog.” I’ll tell you one thing I have realized though. When you go to war, that’s the one time when you really have to appreciate rednecks. No, you know why? ‘Cause rednecks, they’re the one group of people that actually want to go to war. Everybody else tries to get out of it. Rich people never go to war. You ask a college kid if he wants to go to war, he says, “Um, I’m taking a sociology class, and I think war is really stupid. My roommate’s half Afghani, so that’s gonna cause some static.” [Laughter] You ask a redneck if he wants to go to war, he’s just like, “Hell, yeah! Absolutely. I’m ready right now. You just point the direction, buddy. I’m ready to do this.” No, they’re frightening people, but you got to utilize ’em. Seriously, you want to scare the enemy, and rednecks are like America’s pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop ’em off in Afghanistan. Just let ’em run wild. Just be like, “Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo. It’ll scare the hell out of ’em.” [Laughter] Seriously, you wouldn’t want to draft a guy like me. I’m a comedian. I’m useless. I’m a coward. I don’t like confrontations. You draft a redneck, not only is that dude a psycho, he’ll actually save you money. Those guys show up to the army like, “Here’s your M16.” They’re like, “I already got one. I got some stuff in the trunk you ain’t ever seen before, buddy. I went on the internet, got me some of that surface-to-air stuff, took it out hunting, got me a moose and a duck at the same time. I didn’t even see the duck. Duck was over here. I’m aiming at the moose. Duck’s over here. That’s my peripheral over here. And the shot went up the moose’s ass, and the shrapnel from his antler hit the duck. Duck came down. It was the best damn duck I ever ate.” * * * So anyhoo, I took the subway here this evening. I hate taking the subway ’cause I have a very howdy doody kind of “mug me” face. No, people tend to mess with me when I’m on the train, you know? So I don’t look at anybody when I’m on the train. I just, like, stare at the floor, you know? This is a true story. One night, I’m sitting there, staring at the floor. There’s, like, 20 other people in the middle of the train. All of a sudden, I hear this lady’s voice at the back of the train. I swear to God. She’s sitting there; she’s going, “Ow! Let go of my neck.” I swear to God. She’s like, “Ow! You’re hurting me. Let go of my neck.” And you know, it’s like, you don’t want to look when stuff like that’s happening. You try to ignore it. You just sit there going, “Settle that. Make it go away. Don’t want to see the rest of that.” But it just keeps going. She’s going, “I said ow! You’re hurting me. Let go of my neck!” So finally, I got to look. I look down— I swear to God, man—this dude has got his girl right by the back of the neck. He’s going, “You shut the hell up. You shut up.” She’s like, “Ahh!” “Shut up!” “Wah!!!” So I don’t know what the hell to do, you know? ‘Cause it’s like, I really want to help her out, but I really don’t know how to fight, so what am I gonna do? I’m gonna walk down the end of the train. Five seconds later, I’m gonna be going, “Ahh! Let go of my neck. Ahh! I was just trying to help. Wah!!!” So I didn’t do a damn thing. I didn’t. I just sat there. I was like, “To hell with her. She picked him. It’s not my problem. I don’t know if she’s into that kind of thing but…” [Laughter] So I was watching a little bit of Oprah the other night. I don’t really like that show, but my girlfriend likes it, and I want to get laid, so, you know. No, no. You pick your battles. You know what I like about that show? They always examine relationships on that show. You know what I realized? Whenever they do that on those talk shows, 90% of the time, the dude is always wrong. It’s unbelievable. Two people; 90% of the time, the guy’s always wrong. The woman is always, like, totally innocent. Like, “I was just trying to make him some chocolate chip cookies, and he didn’t think there were enough chocolate chips in the cookies, so he started beating me with the cookie pan. It was horrible.” And the guy’s always the biggest moron ever. Like, “Well, what? I wanted some cookies.” Now, I’m not saying guys aren’t jerks. I’m a good example of one, you know what I’m saying? But women can be jerks too. They should balance it out. You know what group of women I’d love them to do a show on? Those 24-, 25-year-old gorgeous women who go out and hook up and marry an 80-year-old rich guy. You ever seen them hanging out with Hugh Hefner, some 70-year-old guy in his pajamas? Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, “Look, this guy is gonna die in, like, seven or eight minutes. I’m gonna get a bag of cash and a Lexus,” I wouldn’t have a problem with it. But they always try and lie and be like, “No, I love him for who he is. It has nothing to do with the big yacht. There’s just something about the way he drools in his bathrobe as he pushes the checkers along. It’s really enjoyable.” I just want to be like, “Lady, you’re humping him for his money.” See, that’s something I could never do, man. If some 80-year-old billionaire, rich old lady came walking down the street, started hitting on me, saying like, “Hey, there, sonny,” you know, started grabbing my ass, “Oh, you’re pretty firm. What, are you in the Navy or something?” I’d just be like, “Lady, get the hell away from me. Right, you’re old. You’re gross. I’m sorry. I’m sure you were unbelievable back in the ’20s when you were doing the Charleston, making beer in your bathtub, but you are at least four decades beyond humpable. I’m sorry.” No, how do you have— I don’t understand. How do you have sex with somebody 40 or 50 years older than you? I’ll tell you the only way you can do it. You know what you got to do? You got to put the will on the headboard. [Laughter] No, so at any point, if you lose your nerve, you just can read some of the stuff that you’re getting. You’re just sitting there like, “Oh, my god. This is disgusting. What is becoming me? Ooh, a house in Miami. Okay, I can stick this out a little bit longer. I guess this isn’t as bad as I was thinking a second ago.” * * * No, I got some issues, I guess. I do. I’m not gonna lie to you. Like, beautiful women. I don’t trust beautiful women. I just don’t. You know why? ‘Cause you know what I’ve noticed in my life as a man? Beautiful women are only around when you have stuff. When your life is going great, they’re all over the place. But when you’re broke, you can’t find a beautiful woman. You’re, like, under a bridge. There’s, like, trolls and ferrets running around. They’re just not around. Then the second you get some— like, you get a little money, they come out of the woodwork like, “Oh, my god, you have some stuff? Can you buy me some stuff? I want some stuff too.” Then the second you go broke, “Oh, my god, I left something over here next to this guy. He has stuff. I’ve always loved you.” [Laughter] Come on, you know what solidified my issues? This is what solidified it. Okay, I was at a Yankees game one time, right? And I’m sitting, it was, like, the end of the inning, and Tino Martinez catches a foul ball to end the inning. You know how they always throw it into the crowd? There’s, like, a hundred people going, “Tino, Tino, throw me the ball. Throw me the ball.” There’s a beautiful girl sitting right in the front row, of course. “Oh, my god, I have these. Eh, I get to sit in the front row. What, this doesn’t happen to everybody?” So there’s a hundred people asking for this stupid ball. He walks right up to her, just hands it right to her. Didn’t flip it. Didn’t toss it. Handed it right to her. You know what I’d have to do in my lifetime to ever catch a foul ball? First of all, it would have to be, like, the one in a million chance that the ball was actually hit way the hell up where I was sitting in, like, the upper, upper, upper deck, which means the ball is gonna be coming in at about 100, 120 miles an hour, so I got to figure out, like, which body part I’m gonna sacrifice to slow it down, and then I got to pounce on it, curl up in the fetal position as eight guys punch me in the back of the head, and I pray to God that I can hang on until security gets there. And he just walked right up and just handed her the ball. She probably didn’t even know what it was. Like, “Basket? Oh, baseball. Oh, my god, let me take this home and stick it next to my other unbelievable free things that I don’t appreciate shelf in my house.” [Cheers and applause] So anyhoo, I was taking the— you want to know what the greatest thing about this job is? It’s that I don’t have a boss. That’s what I love about this job. I never wanted a job where I had a boss. That’s why I used to always work in, like, warehouses, ’cause if my boss is giving me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him, you know? And I realized I was too stupid to run a business, you know what I mean? I just knew I was never gonna be that guy in the big office, big long table, going, “In the fourth quarter, we need to increase production. Okay, Cathy, you’re using a little bit too many paper clips, and we need to just kind of tone that down. I’m not singling you out. We just kind of”— I could never do it, so I realized the one thing I could ever do, my greatest thing I could ever do, was work in one of those cubicles, and I refuse to do it. Cubicles should be illegal, man. You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, “You know what? We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office, but we don’t want you to look at anybody, so you’re gonna get in there, and you’re gonna shut your face.” And you just get in there, and you’re, like, hunched over, typing away. Around lunchtime, you pop your head up like a gopher, like, “Hey, Steve, you want to get a sandwich?” “I said get in there and shut your face!” “Ah, I was just asking for a sandwich or something. God, I hate that guy. I really hate that guy. It’s time to go on the internet and look for a weapon.” [Laughter] Pathetic, man. You know what I love about the cubicle? I always love the pathetic attempt to try to make the cubicle like a home, you know what I mean? There’s always, like, a stuffed animal in there or, like, a picture of your mom with, like, her disappointed eyes looking back out at you like, “Why have you accepted this as your lot in life? Why don’t you have the balls to get up and walk out of this thing?” I’m telling you. Those people need to be rescued. You ever walk by a cubicle? The person in the cubicle always looks back out at you ’cause they’re starved for some sort of human contact. They just start up a conversation like, “Hey, hey. Is it raining out? I haven’t seen the sky in, like, six days. They don’t let us look out the windows.” * * * I was on the subway the other day. This is a true story. I’m standing there, right, minding my own business. This black guy goes to get on the train, right? All of a sudden, the doors, like, closed on him. You know how that happens? They kind of open and close up. [Thumping] It’s like they’re trying to, like, dice you up. [Thumping] So it’s like typical New York. There’s, like, 20 people watching, but nobody helps out. Everyone’s just standing there like, “Wow, I think it’s gonna cut his arm off.” So the dude’s stuck in the door. The conductor comes out, starts giving the guy a rough time as he’s stuck in the doors. He’s going, “Come on, buddy, let’s go!” He’s like, “You’re holding people up. Let’s go!” So the dude in the door starts flipping out. “What the hell are you yelling at me for?” He’s like, “I’m stuck in the doors.” Then he makes it racial. He’s like, “I bet you wouldn’t say anything to all the crackers sitting over here.” It was, like, me and three other white dudes sitting there. So he gets into it with this guy. He keeps coming back to that point like, “I bet you wouldn’t say anything to these crackers sitting over here.” And after like the third or fourth, “Crackers sitting over here,” me and the three white dudes kind of start, like, looking at each other like, “Dude, shouldn’t we, like, be getting offended at this point? This is getting ridiculous. I can literally feel the heat from his finger as he’s going, ‘Crackers sitting over here.’ Somebody should do something.” So you know what? Nobody did sh*t. We just sat there and took it. That’s what sucks about being white in that situation. There’s no unity. There are no brothers when it comes to white people. We are not— we are just complete individuals. We don’t care about each other. “That’s not my brother. My brother lives in Ohio. I don’t know that guy.” I’m not concerned about over here. I’m concerned about from here to right here, here. It was unbelievable. I got called a cracker for, like, 18 stops. [Laughter] I’ll tell you, that’s funny though, when someone gets racial with you and you’re white because you’re not allowed to get racial back, you know what I mean? So it’s kind of awkward. The dude’s going on, “White boy! You cracker!” You’re like, “Yeah, you stupid jerk.” [Laughter] No, you can’t get racial back because the second you get racial back when you’re white, then all of a sudden they wheel out that podium and have that press conference. You got to be like that guy standing up there going, “I disgraced the company. I disgraced myself. I’d just like to state that there was no air conditioning on the subway. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I have nothing against Mexicans. I went to Tijuana. I had a great time. Please. Please, don’t do this.” No, that’s why a lot of white dudes, we can get uptight in certain social situations. We got to watch out for the podium. No, that podium can come out of nowhere. You’re not even trying to say something. You’re like, “Yeah, I’m thinking of getting a shirt.” “What shirt?” “I’m thinking the black shirt.” “What the hell did you say?” “I said black shirt. I should have said African-American shirt. I apologize. Please, I need this position. I have a mortgage. Please, don’t do this.” [Laughter] So anyhoo, I got a computer recently. That’s one of the biggest things in my life. I’m really trying to get more into this whole technology thing. I’m awful with computers. I’m one of those guys, basically every button I hit on my computer, my computer has to shut down, regroup, and somehow deal with my idiocy. You know what I mean? Then there’s always some 8-year-old I see later on a laptop like… [scoffs] [chittering] He’s breaking into the Pentagon, downloading movies that haven’t even been made yet. “I just got a plane ticket for 6 bucks.” You just want to slam his head in the thing. I’ll tell you the only thing I like about my computer is, I really enjoy spell check. No, I love it. You know what I love about spell check? You don’t have to be close to getting the word right. Have you ever noticed that? All you got to do is just get it somewhere in the ballpark of the word. It’s almost like your computer can just start guessing like, “Ah, sh*t, I don’t know. ‘Dinosaur’?” And you’re sitting there like an idiot, like, “Nah. I wasn’t trying to spell ‘dinosaur.’” So then what does your computer do? It starts throwing out every “D” word it can possibly think of. Like, “Okay, how about ‘dictionary’? ‘Diarrhea’? Any of this stuff looking familiar? Are we moving towards the goal or away from it?” You ever spell a word so bad though, your spell check has absolutely no clue what the hell you’re trying to spell? What do you end up getting? You end up getting a question mark. You got a million dollars’ worth of technology just looking back at you like, just like, “You got me, buddy, which is pretty amazing ‘cause I have all the words. Yeah, and that doesn’t look like any of them. I can’t even make a guess that’s so screwed up. What, you’d like, pass out, whack your head off the keyboard? Please tell me you’re not that stupid.” Alright, that’s it for me. You guys were a lot of fun. Thank you very much. God bless you. Thank you for coming out. [Cheers and applause] | [Cheers and applause] Alright, thank you. Thank you very much. Nice to be here in this beautiful theater. I didn’t do anything today. I’m a loser, man. You know what I was doing? I was sitting around, watching that show MTV Cribs. You guys know that show? The one where they show all the rock stars’ and rappers’ houses and all their stuff? Doesn’t that show make you feel like a loser? It kills my self-esteem. I’m sitting there watching Britney Spears. She’s like 20 years old. She’s like, “Oh my god, this is my helicopter. I had it spray-painted pink to match my top today. So cool. I put some glitter on the chuff-chuff-chuff part. We’re gonna fly up to the house.” I’m 34, sitting on a futon, eating macaroni and cheese like, “Oh my god. I’m a loser! I’ll never own a helicopter!” You know what I love about that show though? All they’re doing is showing you what not to do when you get rich. Seriously, ’cause none of those people are saving their money. Half of them only have one hit album, so should they really be buying all of that stuff? A 20-room house and 17 cars. It’s just like, “Dude, don’t you watch Behind the Music? Haven’t you learned anything from that program? You’re gonna be smoking crack in six weeks. Save your money.” No, they’re dumb. I’ll tell you right now, if you want to know how to be rich, don’t look at a rapper, don’t look at a rock star, look at a guy like Bill Gates. That dude is so good at being rich it’s irritating. He makes like $30 million a day, and look at him. He dresses like he works in a shoe store, but that’s why he’s always gonna be rich. He’s not showing off, trying to buy all this flashy stuff, like walking around with an iced-out laptop medallion hanging off his neck, wearing a fuzzy pimp hat to the side, sitting in a hot tub with some bitches, having a midget in his crew just for the hell of it. [Laughter and applause] Have you noticed that’s the new status symbol of rich people? Midgets. I’m serious. No entourage is complete now unless you have a midget. And you know what? That’s good for midgets. Seriously, ’cause historically, those people have not gotten good jobs. Even when they book a movie, they never get to be the lead, never get to be the hero. They always have to play a troll or a fairy running out from under a bridge, biting on somebody’s leg. So I was listening to George Bush today. You guys like George? Well, yes? No? I like George. You know what I like about George? He makes me feel like I could be president too. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] No, he does. He’s like the first guy from my reading level, you know? Like, the first guy from my math class to finally go out and do something. You know what I love about George? He can’t say the word “terror.” He can’t. He uses the word every speech, but he can’t say terror. He goes, “ter.” That’s what he says. He goes, “America will not stand for ter, anybody who supports ter. If you’re a ter’ist, we’re gonna get you.” What kind of president goes, “We’re gonna get you”? [Laughter and applause] He’s like some redneck they dragged out of a barbecue, put him in a suit. Just standing on stage going, “We’re gonna get you.” He should just be up there with a couple of bloodhounds going, “Go get ’em, Blue. Smell the shirt. Go get ’em. Damn, that Blue’s a good dog.” I’ll tell you one thing I have realized though. When you go to war, that’s the one time when you really have to appreciate rednecks. No, you know why? ‘Cause rednecks, they’re the one group of people that actually want to go to war. Everybody else tries to get out of it. Rich people never go to war. You ask a college kid if he wants to go to war, he says, “Um, I’m taking a sociology class, and I think war is really stupid. My roommate’s half Afghani, so that’s gonna cause some static.” [Laughter] You ask a redneck if he wants to go to war, he’s just like, “Hell, yeah! Absolutely. I’m ready right now. You just point the direction, buddy. I’m ready to do this.” No, they’re frightening people, but you got to utilize ’em. Seriously, you want to scare the enemy, and rednecks are like America’s pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop ’em off in Afghanistan. Just let ’em run wild. Just be like, “Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo. It’ll scare the hell out of ’em.” [Laughter] Seriously, you wouldn’t want to draft a guy like me. I’m a comedian. I’m useless. I’m a coward. I don’t like confrontations. You draft a redneck, not only is that dude a psycho, he’ll actually save you money. Those guys show up to the army like, “Here’s your M16.” They’re like, “I already got one. I got some stuff in the trunk you ain’t ever seen before, buddy. I went on the internet, got me some of that surface-to-air stuff, took it out hunting, got me a moose and a duck at the same time. I didn’t even see the duck. Duck was over here. I’m aiming at the moose. Duck’s over here. That’s my peripheral over here. And the shot went up the moose’s ass, and the shrapnel from his antler hit the duck. Duck came down. It was the best damn duck I ever ate.” * * * So anyhoo, I took the subway here this evening. I hate taking the subway ’cause I have a very howdy doody kind of “mug me” face. No, people tend to mess with me when I’m on the train, you know? So I don’t look at anybody when I’m on the train. I just, like, stare at the floor, you know? This is a true story. One night, I’m sitting there, staring at the floor. There’s, like, 20 other people in the middle of the train. All of a sudden, I hear this lady’s voice at the back of the train. I swear to God. She’s sitting there; she’s going, “Ow! Let go of my neck.” I swear to God. She’s like, “Ow! You’re hurting me. Let go of my neck.” And you know, it’s like, you don’t want to look when stuff like that’s happening. You try to ignore it. You just sit there going, “Settle that. Make it go away. Don’t want to see the rest of that.” But it just keeps going. She’s going, “I said ow! You’re hurting me. Let go of my neck!” So finally, I got to look. I look down— I swear to God, man—this dude has got his girl right by the back of the neck. He’s going, “You shut the hell up. You shut up.” She’s like, “Ahh!” “Shut up!” “Wah!!!” So I don’t know what the hell to do, you know? ‘Cause it’s like, I really want to help her out, but I really don’t know how to fight, so what am I gonna do? I’m gonna walk down the end of the train. Five seconds later, I’m gonna be going, “Ahh! Let go of my neck. Ahh! I was just trying to help. Wah!!!” So I didn’t do a damn thing. I didn’t. I just sat there. I was like, “To hell with her. She picked him. It’s not my problem. I don’t know if she’s into that kind of thing but…” [Laughter] So I was watching a little bit of Oprah the other night. I don’t really like that show, but my girlfriend likes it, and I want to get laid, so, you know. No, no. You pick your battles. You know what I like about that show? They always examine relationships on that show. You know what I realized? Whenever they do that on those talk shows, 90% of the time, the dude is always wrong. It’s unbelievable. Two people; 90% of the time, the guy’s always wrong. The woman is always, like, totally innocent. Like, “I was just trying to make him some chocolate chip cookies, and he didn’t think there were enough chocolate chips in the cookies, so he started beating me with the cookie pan. It was horrible.” And the guy’s always the biggest moron ever. Like, “Well, what? I wanted some cookies.” Now, I’m not saying guys aren’t jerks. I’m a good example of one, you know what I’m saying? But women can be jerks too. They should balance it out. You know what group of women I’d love them to do a show on? Those 24-, 25-year-old gorgeous women who go out and hook up and marry an 80-year-old rich guy. You ever seen them hanging out with Hugh Hefner, some 70-year-old guy in his pajamas? Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, “Look, this guy is gonna die in, like, seven or eight minutes. I’m gonna get a bag of cash and a Lexus,” I wouldn’t have a problem with it. But they always try and lie and be like, “No, I love him for who he is. It has nothing to do with the big yacht. There’s just something about the way he drools in his bathrobe as he pushes the checkers along. It’s really enjoyable.” I just want to be like, “Lady, you’re humping him for his money.” See, that’s something I could never do, man. If some 80-year-old billionaire, rich old lady came walking down the street, started hitting on me, saying like, “Hey, there, sonny,” you know, started grabbing my ass, “Oh, you’re pretty firm. What, are you in the Navy or something?” I’d just be like, “Lady, get the hell away from me. Right, you’re old. You’re gross. I’m sorry. I’m sure you were unbelievable back in the ’20s when you were doing the Charleston, making beer in your bathtub, but you are at least four decades beyond humpable. I’m sorry.” No, how do you have— I don’t understand. How do you have sex with somebody 40 or 50 years older than you? I’ll tell you the only way you can do it. You know what you got to do? You got to put the will on the headboard. [Laughter] No, so at any point, if you lose your nerve, you just can read some of the stuff that you’re getting. You’re just sitting there like, “Oh, my god. This is disgusting. What is becoming me? Ooh, a house in Miami. Okay, I can stick this out a little bit longer. I guess this isn’t as bad as I was thinking a second ago.” * * * No, I got some issues, I guess. I do. I’m not gonna lie to you. Like, beautiful women. I don’t trust beautiful women. I just don’t. You know why? ‘Cause you know what I’ve noticed in my life as a man? Beautiful women are only around when you have stuff. When your life is going great, they’re all over the place. But when you’re broke, you can’t find a beautiful woman. You’re, like, under a bridge. There’s, like, trolls and ferrets running around. They’re just not around. Then the second you get some— like, you get a little money, they come out of the woodwork like, “Oh, my god, you have some stuff? Can you buy me some stuff? I want some stuff too.” Then the second you go broke, “Oh, my god, I left something over here next to this guy. He has stuff. I’ve always loved you.” [Laughter] Come on, you know what solidified my issues? This is what solidified it. Okay, I was at a Yankees game one time, right? And I’m sitting, it was, like, the end of the inning, and Tino Martinez catches a foul ball to end the inning. You know how they always throw it into the crowd? There’s, like, a hundred people going, “Tino, Tino, throw me the ball. Throw me the ball.” There’s a beautiful girl sitting right in the front row, of course. “Oh, my god, I have these. Eh, I get to sit in the front row. What, this doesn’t happen to everybody?” So there’s a hundred people asking for this stupid ball. He walks right up to her, just hands it right to her. Didn’t flip it. Didn’t toss it. Handed it right to her. You know what I’d have to do in my lifetime to ever catch a foul ball? First of all, it would have to be, like, the one in a million chance that the ball was actually hit way the hell up where I was sitting in, like, the upper, upper, upper deck, which means the ball is gonna be coming in at about 100, 120 miles an hour, so I got to figure out, like, which body part I’m gonna sacrifice to slow it down, and then I got to pounce on it, curl up in the fetal position as eight guys punch me in the back of the head, and I pray to God that I can hang on until security gets there. And he just walked right up and just handed her the ball. She probably didn’t even know what it was. Like, “Basket? Oh, baseball. Oh, my god, let me take this home and stick it next to my other unbelievable free things that I don’t appreciate shelf in my house.” [Cheers and applause] So anyhoo, I was taking the— you want to know what the greatest thing about this job is? It’s that I don’t have a boss. That’s what I love about this job. I never wanted a job where I had a boss. That’s why I used to always work in, like, warehouses, ’cause if my boss is giving me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him, you know? And I realized I was too stupid to run a business, you know what I mean? I just knew I was never gonna be that guy in the big office, big long table, going, “In the fourth quarter, we need to increase production. Okay, Cathy, you’re using a little bit too many paper clips, and we need to just kind of tone that down. I’m not singling you out. We just kind of”— I could never do it, so I realized the one thing I could ever do, my greatest thing I could ever do, was work in one of those cubicles, and I refuse to do it. Cubicles should be illegal, man. You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, “You know what? We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office, but we don’t want you to look at anybody, so you’re gonna get in there, and you’re gonna shut your face.” And you just get in there, and you’re, like, hunched over, typing away. Around lunchtime, you pop your head up like a gopher, like, “Hey, Steve, you want to get a sandwich?” “I said get in there and shut your face!” “Ah, I was just asking for a sandwich or something. God, I hate that guy. I really hate that guy. It’s time to go on the internet and look for a weapon.” [Laughter] Pathetic, man. You know what I love about the cubicle? I always love the pathetic attempt to try to make the cubicle like a home, you know what I mean? There’s always, like, a stuffed animal in there or, like, a picture of your mom with, like, her disappointed eyes looking back out at you like, “Why have you accepted this as your lot in life? Why don’t you have the balls to get up and walk out of this thing?” I’m telling you. Those people need to be rescued. You ever walk by a cubicle? The person in the cubicle always looks back out at you ’cause they’re starved for some sort of human contact. They just start up a conversation like, “Hey, hey. Is it raining out? I haven’t seen the sky in, like, six days. They don’t let us look out the windows.” * * * I was on the subway the other day. This is a true story. I’m standing there, right, minding my own business. This black guy goes to get on the train, right? All of a sudden, the doors, like, closed on him. You know how that happens? They kind of open and close up. [Thumping] It’s like they’re trying to, like, dice you up. [Thumping] So it’s like typical New York. There’s, like, 20 people watching, but nobody helps out. Everyone’s just standing there like, “Wow, I think it’s gonna cut his arm off.” So the dude’s stuck in the door. The conductor comes out, starts giving the guy a rough time as he’s stuck in the doors. He’s going, “Come on, buddy, let’s go!” He’s like, “You’re holding people up. Let’s go!” So the dude in the door starts flipping out. “What the hell are you yelling at me for?” He’s like, “I’m stuck in the doors.” Then he makes it racial. He’s like, “I bet you wouldn’t say anything to all the crackers sitting over here.” It was, like, me and three other white dudes sitting there. So he gets into it with this guy. He keeps coming back to that point like, “I bet you wouldn’t say anything to these crackers sitting over here.” And after like the third or fourth, “Crackers sitting over here,” me and the three white dudes kind of start, like, looking at each other like, “Dude, shouldn’t we, like, be getting offended at this point? This is getting ridiculous. I can literally feel the heat from his finger as he’s going, ‘Crackers sitting over here.’ Somebody should do something.” So you know what? Nobody did sh*t. We just sat there and took it. That’s what sucks about being white in that situation. There’s no unity. There are no brothers when it comes to white people. We are not— we are just complete individuals. We don’t care about each other. “That’s not my brother. My brother lives in Ohio. I don’t know that guy.” I’m not concerned about over here. I’m concerned about from here to right here, here. It was unbelievable. I got called a cracker for, like, 18 stops. [Laughter] I’ll tell you, that’s funny though, when someone gets racial with you and you’re white because you’re not allowed to get racial back, you know what I mean? So it’s kind of awkward. The dude’s going on, “White boy! You cracker!” You’re like, “Yeah, you stupid jerk.” [Laughter] No, you can’t get racial back because the second you get racial back when you’re white, then all of a sudden they wheel out that podium and have that press conference. You got to be like that guy standing up there going, “I disgraced the company. I disgraced myself. I’d just like to state that there was no air conditioning on the subway. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I have nothing against Mexicans. I went to Tijuana. I had a great time. Please. Please, don’t do this.” No, that’s why a lot of white dudes, we can get uptight in certain social situations. We got to watch out for the podium. No, that podium can come out of nowhere. You’re not even trying to say something. You’re like, “Yeah, I’m thinking of getting a shirt.” “What shirt?” “I’m thinking the black shirt.” “What the hell did you say?” “I said black shirt. I should have said African-American shirt. I apologize. Please, I need this position. I have a mortgage. Please, don’t do this.” [Laughter] So anyhoo, I got a computer recently. That’s one of the biggest things in my life. I’m really trying to get more into this whole technology thing. I’m awful with computers. I’m one of those guys, basically every button I hit on my computer, my computer has to shut down, regroup, and somehow deal with my idiocy. You know what I mean? Then there’s always some 8-year-old I see later on a laptop like… [scoffs] [chittering] He’s breaking into the Pentagon, downloading movies that haven’t even been made yet. “I just got a plane ticket for 6 bucks.” You just want to slam his head in the thing. I’ll tell you the only thing I like about my computer is, I really enjoy spell check. No, I love it. You know what I love about spell check? You don’t have to be close to getting the word right. Have you ever noticed that? All you got to do is just get it somewhere in the ballpark of the word. It’s almost like your computer can just start guessing like, “Ah, sh*t, I don’t know. ‘Dinosaur’?” And you’re sitting there like an idiot, like, “Nah. I wasn’t trying to spell ‘dinosaur.’” So then what does your computer do? It starts throwing out every “D” word it can possibly think of. Like, “Okay, how about ‘dictionary’? ‘Diarrhea’? Any of this stuff looking familiar? Are we moving towards the goal or away from it?” You ever spell a word so bad though, your spell check has absolutely no clue what the hell you’re trying to spell? What do you end up getting? You end up getting a question mark. You got a million dollars’ worth of technology just looking back at you like, just like, “You got me, buddy, which is pretty amazing ‘cause I have all the words. Yeah, and that doesn’t look like any of them. I can’t even make a guess that’s so screwed up. What, you’d like, pass out, whack your head off the keyboard? Please tell me you’re not that stupid.” Alright, that’s it for me. You guys were a lot of fun. Thank you very much. God bless you. Thank you for coming out. [Cheers and applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michael-mcintyre-showman-transcript/ | MICHAEL MCINTYRE: SHOWMAN (2020) – TRANSCRIPT | michael mcintyre | Released on September 15, 2020 [Netflix] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Michael McIntyre! Bravo! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome… …to my Netflix special! Let’s do this! Thank you! If I’m honest with you, I wanted to be in slightly better… physical condition for… f-for the special. I planned on it, but, you know, it’s not really happened. I wouldn’t have mentioned it, it’s just that this suit was cut bespokely for my body about a year ago, and it’s not a body I have anymore, unfortunately. It’s got a little clingy, a bit tuggy. I’ve found I have to express myself, gesticulate, below this line. You’ll see mostly I’ll need to express myself down here tonight, because, when I raise my arms beyond that, this has started. Jacket boobs, ladies and gentlemen. An incredibly unfortunate side effect of the tight jacket. I’ve got a bit chubby cheek, chubby cheek. I’ve got the old chubby cheeks going on at the moment. Um… Unfortunately, due to the chubby cheek situation, um, a few problems. I got a phone, um, I don’t know when it was, about a year ago. The new iPhone. It’s got Face ID. When you first get it, you look at it, it maps your face, and then it remembers you. Every time you look at it, it becomes unlocked. Not from a code, just from your face. Well, now my phone no longer recognizes… my fat face. Just stares at me as if to say, “Who’s that fat thief? Have you stolen Michael’s phone?” I can unlock it, but I have to do this. Mmm. Mmm. It’s ’cause I’m getting older, you see. My wife and I, we’re the same age. Little things have started changing. For years, everything was the same, but now we can feel it creeping in. It’s not exactly old age, but little… little differences. For example, we can’t stay up at night. We… We pass out. Every single– About 9:30 is a late one for us. We get so tired. You know when you click on the Netflix thing and it goes “boom-boom”? That’s the sound of my wife and I’s head hitting the pillow and passing out. We can’t get beyond it. Another thing that’s started happening now… which, I have to say, I’m not proud of this. I’m actually very disappointed that this has happened so young in my life. It’s not happening every night. But I have started, occasionally, waking up in the middle of the night needing a pee… …which is a very depressing development. There’s an elder gentleman who applauded that. What a… What a funny moment. “I’m there with you, my friend.” My bladder used to be fine. Like many young bladders in this room, I’d go to sleep at night. I’d be like, “Night, blad.” My bladder would be like, “Night, Mikey. Sleep well.” “I will.” I’d wake up in the morning, my bladder’s like, “Look, we are full down here, but no cause for alarm. Next time you’re passing the loo, I will need emptying. But chill out, relax, no rush on this. Have some breakfast, have some juices. Have some smoothies. Tea, coffee, whatever you want. Cereal, more milk, don’t mind if you do. I’ve got this… till at least noon.” Well, not anymore. Now, when I’m deep asleep in the middle of the night, my bladder sends messages to my brain to give me dreams that I’m pissing myself. This is how it wakes me up. I’m having a normal anxiety dream. I’m back at school. I’m in an exam I haven’t revised for. I’m just having a weird dream, and then I look down… Oh, and I’ve peed my pants as well. I wake up in a panic! Have I pissed my pants? I look down, my bladder’s like, “Nearly! We’ve got to go now! Up! Now!” And you lie there, “But I don’t want to get up. It’s three o’clock in the morning, I don’t want to.” And you fight it, but your bladder’s insistent. “I’m afraid you have to wake up, it’s a very dangerous situation down here. I don’t think I can handle it.” So that involves getting out of the bed and going around the bed, out of the door, into the bathroom, which is over there, right? Round the bed because my wife is there, she’s closest to the door. That’s her side. This is my side, that’s her side. It’s been that way for 20 years. It will never, ever change. We all have our sides. Have you ever gone on to your partner’s side? It’s the weirdest sensation! “It’s the same room, but it looks really weird from here! I don’t like it!” So I’ve got to go round the bed, and I can’t wake her up. I cannot wake my wife. If my wife is awoken in the night, she won’t get back to sleep, she’ll blame me, she’ll be up. “Why’d you have to wake me up? Why do you make so much noise?” So I have to make sure she stays asleep. And also, if she wakes up in the night, she will inevitably go on her phone, which means she will inevitably buy shoes. She buys so many shoes on her phone on online shopping. She– She buys shoes when she’s in the bath, she buys shoes at traffic lights, she bought a pair of shoes on the way up a roller coaster. She’s addicted. It’s costing a fortune. Little bit of an insight into how bad it is. The other night, I was lying in bed on my laptop. She’s next to me on her mobile phone. The children are both in the room as well, they’re both on iPads, and the television is on in front of us. It’s a wonderful, modern family scene. It’s not like we don’t chat as a family. Sometimes there’s a WhatsApp ping and we discuss whose phone it was. “Ping!” “Was that you? I think it was me.” “I think your phone just went.” “Thank you, right you are.” And then we get back to our devices. I was on internet banking at the time. I could see money coming out of the account in real time. Every time I refreshed it, we had less money in the bank! “You are doing this right now, darling?” “But these shoes are so beautiful, darling! I just had to! I just had to! If it upsets you, stop refreshing.” “Please, leave us something for the morning!” So I can’t wake her up, can’t wake her up. It’s gonna cost a fortune. So I’ve got to creep round, get to the loo. That is easier said than done, on account of the floorboards. I never realized we had creaky floorboards until I started creeping around on them in the middle of the night. I’ve never noticed the floorboards make a noise in the daytime. As soon as my foot… steps out of the bed in the dead of night… I can see my wife stirring in her sleep. Her arm is subconsciously reaching for her mobile. “No!” I try and find a non-creaky… “Fuck!” After a while, I just leg it. Everything makes a noise in the night. Everything. I didn’t even know… we had an extractor fan until I started peeing in the night. I’ll go into the loo, you turn the lights on… What are we extracting? I haven’t started yet. It’s the loudest thing in the world! It’s gonna wake my wife up! And there’s not two switches. There’s not a switch… There’s not a switch for light and a switch for… extraction. They’re on the same circuit. So if you want the light on, you have to go… which will definitely wake my wife up. So it means peeing… in the darkness. Because it’s all about sound, you have to be very sensitive to noise, ’cause you’re waiting for the splash. But you can’t pee into the water, that’s too noisy. That will wake my wife up. So you wait for the water, and then immediately retreat… …to find the sweet spot of the bowl surrounding the water. Yes! This acknowledgment of night peeing! Darkness urination. And sometimes you’re peeing and you hear a different sound, you know, like, “Ooh, I think that’s the floor. I’m peeing on the floor. I’ve overcompensated.” Then you put the light on. “Yep, I’ve pissed on the floor.” Then you have to get the loo roll out, you throw that down. You create a sort of foot mop situation, as you remove your own pee from the bathroom floor. “How’s your life going, Michael?” “Well, I’m just foot-mopping piss at 3:20 a.m. Other than that, really, really happy.” Then it’s back to bed. Soon as I get into the bedroom, I can see my wife’s face glowing. The phone. Like a horror movie. You can see shoes in her eyeballs. “Do you have to make so much fucking noise, Michael? I’ve bought three pairs of shoes there.” Damn! That piss cost me 600 quid! Plus VAT! I’m thinking about getting a catheter just to save money. I’ve… I’ve actually started… And this is good advice for you. I’ve started having a Berocca before bed, then I get glow-in-the-dark pee and I can see exactly the situation. But I know where… I’m starting to actually learn where the creaks are. I actually… I get out of bed, and I know where to avoid. I’m getting quite good at it. I think as I get older, I’ll get more and more brilliant at it. By the time I’m 80, I’ll be like Ninja Warrior. A sort of stealth-pissing pensioner in the middle of the night. Barely any piss will come out at that age. Before realizing I’ve accidentally peed in the spare room cupboard, but this is all to come, ladies and gentlemen! But the good news is, the only positive to come out of getting up in the night to pee is it does give me the opportunity, while my wife is asleep, to readjust the temperature in the bedroom, because she likes sleeping in Arctic conditions. She sleeps with the window open, and she calls it “room temperature.” I’m like, “Darling, that’s not room temperature if the window is open. That’s garden temperature.” We might as well sleep in a tent outside. It’s freezing! “Can we close the window, put the heating on?” “No, we can’t have the heating on in the bedroom. You know we’ll get sore throats.” “Well, my throat is quite sore with the icicles forming in it!” But I don’t mind, she can have what she likes, it’s fine. We… We live together. If she wants it freezing, I’ll put another blanket on. It’ll be fine. My issue with it is her relationship with temperature makes no sense at all. Why does she want the bedroom so absolutely freezing, but her bath is the hottest thing known to man? There’s lava, and then there’s my wife’s bath. When she’s in the bath, steam fills the house. People are driving down our road with fog lights on going, “What’s happened in that building?” And often she calls out from the bath, through the steam, “Michael, would you like this bath after me?” “What, to cook pasta in? No.” Danger. ‘Cause we’ve all done that. We’ve all got into a bath that’s too hot. And it’s normally our own fault, we don’t have time to wait. When we run the hot tap, and we run the cold, we don’t have time to wait for the full, proper temperature to reveal itself. You just have a, “Should be fine.” You go away, busy life, and you come back, and you normally know as soon as your foot goes in. As soon it goes in, you normally go, “Ooh! I’ve… I’ve run that a bit too hot.” But often you don’t realize it until you’re in already. You get in, and you start lowering yourself, because it takes a while for the information that your feet are burning… …to reach your brain, where the information has to go to tell you about it. Because it’s really quite a long way for the information to travel. So you start lowering yourself and thinking, “Something doesn’t feel altogether right here.” Then it just hits you. You have a split-second decision, “Do I stay, or do I go?” And many times you just go, “I can’t! Oh, my God, I can’t!” And you end up standing naked in your bathroom. You look down, you’ve got these sort of red skin socks of pain. “Ow! Look what I did to myself!” Then you have to empty the hot out to put the cold in, which involves sacrificing your arm to plunge to the plug. Plug plunging, very dangerous. You look at your arm as if to say, “This will hurt, I do apologize. Brace yourself.” Sometimes you can’t get a purchase. You’re like, “I could lose my arm!” But the braver amongst us, there’s many here tonight, and I count myself amongst you, will hover paddle. This is where you get into the bath, even though it hurts, and you hover over the surface. You get the cold on, and you start paddling like a maniac. “We can change this! It’s getting better all the time now! Be brave! Be brave!” Then you inherently know, “It’s time to change direction now! Come on! It’s getting better, it’s getting better! Come on!” And then you have to test it. How is the water going? Is it ready to fully submerge? And you do this with your bottom, you select your bottom, and the task of your bottom is simply to dip in to see, is it ready? How’s it going? Is– How’s it going? This is where I forget, unfortunately, that I have balls. It’s not so much that I forget. It’s more the angle of dangle… …means that my balls are now the closest thing to the surface of the water, not my bottom after all. And it comes as a nasty surprise. It’s the most sensitive part of the human body It’s the last part of the human body, let’s be honest, that you would volunteer… …to test boiling water with. No one’s ever handed me a cup of tea and said, “Michael… This might be a little bit on the hot side.” “Well, we shall soon find out, my friend.” “Right you are, little bit more milk. Just a splash. Just tested it with my hover-paddle hardened bollocks there, my friend.” Thirsty work. Thirsty work here. This is, uh, bottled water. They’ve taken the label off it because of advertising. Because they’re worried that people watching Netflix might want to, uh, look like me. Can you imagine? “What does he drink?” It’s, uh, Evian, of course. Uh… If you were wondering. Evian. “Live young, Evian.” Middle class people love bottled water, don’t they? It’s a colorless, odorless, tasteless liquid and it tastes the same no matter what brand you get. It’s a miracle of branding and marketing that people prefer different ones. “Oh, I like Voss.” “I like Fiji.” “I like Buxton.” “I’m a Highland Spring guy.” It’s the same… same water. And they get very offended, you must have seen this in restaurants when the waiter comes over, “Can I get you a drink?” “Uh, yes, can we just have water, please? Still water, we’re fine with still water.” Sometimes the waiter goes, “Tap?” It’s a horrible moment. It’s like he’s just said, “Puddle? I could scoop some from the pavement? It rained earlier.” And people are so offended. “Uh, excuse me, how dare you? Are you trying to poison me and my children? Do you not have any respect? Do you think I can’t afford bottled water? We’ll have Evian, please, or something. There’s a mountain on the bottle, we find it reassuring. We don’t want your disgusting tap water. We don’t know the condition of your taps and your tanks and your pipes. How revolting. Your rat-infested tanks? Water that’s been drained and flushed for centuries? You’re trying to give that to me? How revolting. “Ice?” “Yes, could you freeze the shit water and put it into the bottled water? Because we haven’t thought this through at all. We’d like a slow death, a slow release of poisoned rat water into the purity of Evian.” So this is a culmination of, um, a tour I’ve been doing for a while, on and off, all around the world. It’s a big world tour, a big world tour. And I suppose it’s amazingly exciting to be home at the end of it because I’ve been far flung, far flung places. Probably the furthest I’ve been is the furthest anybody’s been from here, which is New Zealand, New Zealand. New Zealand is, um… Yeah, New Zealand’s amazing, I love New Zealand. Um, but it takes 24 hours, as you know, to get there from here and that’s a day of your life gone, just gone, it’s insane. And the jetlag is monumental. So I landed in Auckland, New Zealand. I thought, I’ve got to get onto the time zone as quickly as possible. So I pulled out the bezel of my watch, and I said to the stewardess, “What’s the time difference here? I just want to get onto the new time zone. What’s the time difference here?” “It’s 12 hours ahead. The time difference in New Zealand, it’s 12 hours ahead. We’re 12 hours ahead in New Zealand.” So I started to wind my watch 12 hours. And I notice in my peripheral vision she was looking at me like I was an idiot. I thought, “What’s her problem? She needs to jog on.” I got to about eight hours in and I realized, “Oh, right, I’m going to land in exactly the same place that I started.” So… So, rather than look a fool, I wound it back. “Thank you, I’ll be fine from here. Thank you for your help.” They talk like that in New Zealand. On the front of their mouths like this. It’s quite fast, it’s quite pacey. And basically, they change the vowels, they have a strange relationship with vowels. They get to a vowel and they just pick another and go with that one instead. It’s a thing. ‘Cause Australia’s a little bit different, it’s much slower in Australia. They take their time. They love the vowels. When they see a vowel, they’re just like, “We’re gonna stay there. I see no reason… to rush this sentence, mate. We’re gonna stay on the vowel.” But New Zealand, it’s all about changing the vowel. I had a bit of an incident on account of this vowel changing situation, and I’m going to be honest and upfront. It was quite rude. Um, but it’s funny. When I was checking into the hotel in Auckland, um, she wanted to tell me, the receptionist, about this new swimming pool that they’d built on the sixth floor. Six. The six floor. Um… And surrounding the pool was a deck. Uh, with an “E.” And it was known as “The Deck,” and in the lift it went, “The Deck.” I was checking in, she said, “While you’re staying here, are you gonna spend some time sitting on the Deck?” “That is an astonishing assumption to make of me.” She said, “There’s a lovely big deck on the sixth floor.” “There’s a lovely big dick on the sex floor? What kind of a place is this?” She said, “The deck is for hanging out.” “No, it isn’t!” “Careful, it can get a bit slippery up there, it’s hardwood.” “Oh, please, behave!” And I went to Australia while I was there. Obviously nipped over to Australia. It’s beautiful. I love Australia, I love Australians. Really nice people. We’ve got us some Australians over here. Welcome, I love ’em. I love ’em. Really… Really full on, really happy. They love that you come over, they’re just so grateful. “Fucking hell, you came all the way!” Just brilliant. And it’s like a holiday destination, it’s beautiful. The beaches are beautiful, the landscape’s magnificent. The only problem, with all due respect, is the, um… the sharks have decided that that’s where they should be. And the circle Australia, waiting for Australians to get into the water. And guess what? Australians keep getting into the water. I was– I went to the beach with some Australians. They’re like, “You gonna come for a swim, Mickey? Come and relax, cool off? Come for a swim, it’s lovely in the water today.” “No, I don’t think so. I’ll be– I’ll be fine.” “Why not? Why not?” “Because there are sharks in there.” “Yeah. Not always.” “I think… the fact that there’s ever been one is enough for me.” “Ah, come on, Mickey. You’ve gotta live your life.” “Yes, until it ends. Maybe today, with a shark attack, you see?” He said, “You’ve got more chance of being hit by a car.” “Not when I’m fucking swimming, I don’t. I’ll be staying here on the beach.” “I’ll be right here. I’ll cool off another way.” So while I was in Australia, I did see, unfortunately, a gentleman… This isn’t… This isn’t funny. But he was fine. He was fine. He was… There was a shark attack incident, but he was fine. He’d just got bitten on the arm. It wasn’t great. Um… I shouldn’t laugh. The point I’m trying to make is that I passionately believe that this shark attack would not have happened if he hadn’t have got into the water. He’s lying in his hospital bed being interviewed on the news. There’s a reporter on the end of his bed. He’s got his arm up in a thing, he’s got his neck in a brace. She’s like, “So, just if you can, if it’s all right, could you just talk us through, talk us through, sir, what… what happened? He’s like, “Yeah, well, I was… I was just… I-I was just… I was just surfing in the ocean, and then this shark literally… came out of nowhere.” Not exactly. The shark was in its natural habitat. You’re the one who literally came out of nowhere and offered yourself as a light snack. On a plate. Literally, on a long, thin platter. Get out of the water. It’s not like he’s being interviewed in his hospital bed and he’s like, “I was… I was on the fourth floor of my Melbourne apartment… …unloading the dishwasher. I pulled out the top rack to put my mug in, and this shark literally came out of nowhere, attacked me on the arm.” “I was an internal flight to Adelaide. I looked out the plane, there’s a fucking shark on the wing.” I will attempt an accent, you’ve probably noticed I’ll give it a go. Um, I like accents. It doesn’t matter where you go in the world, they’ve developed their own little way of talking. I don’t know how it starts. Nobody knows how it evolves. Beautiful ones, you’ve got Italy. It’s so beautiful in Italy. They speak so beautiful. I don’t know how it evolved, but it is certainly the most sexy way of communication is to talk with an Italian accent, it’s so sexy. Everybody love the way I talking. Yeah? You go to France… A little pissed off, but still pretty cool, we talk like this. Of all the accents in the world, the one I think maybe they should ch-change, and I don’t want to disrespect anybody here who may be from there, but for me, it’s the Northern Irish accent. What on earth is going on there? It’s not an easy one to do. They’ve decided, in Northern Ireland, that the best… the best… the best way to communicate is right… right at the back of their throat, like that. Just making noises. Nothing there. Absolutely nothing. You don’t know what they’re saying. “We’re gonna make noises in a Northern Irish accent, just gonna… What are you even doing here?” “I don’t even know what you’re doing here myself.” How does it start? Because babies are like… “Wah!” “No, it’s ‘Aah!’ All right? If you’re going to stay here, you’ve got to do the ‘Aah.'” It’s right in the back like that, fucking right at the back. The Northern Irish accent is the only time I’ve ever heard somebody sneeze, and I could tell where they were from… …from the sneeze. I was in Dubai airport and this bloke sitting next to me just went… “Achoo.” Oh, for goodness sake. “Are you from, uh, Northern Ireland?” “I am, I’m from Belfast.” “Thought as much.” It’s fun though there. It’s nice, nice place. Did some good shows in Belfast. Really good audience, up for it. Nice people, friendly, welcoming. Had some time to kill while I was there, so I went to what was, what is, the most successful tourism destination they’ve ever had in the whole of Northern Ireland. It’s called the Titanic Quarter. And it’s all about the building of the Titanic, that was built in Belfast, and it’s something they’re incredibly… proud of. It’s like they don’t know what happened to the Titanic. Where they built it. I went round this museum, and I said to somebody working there, “I’m so sorry, but you do know what happened to the Titanic?” “It was fine when it left here.” I don’t know if that’s the point, mate. So while I was there, I had these gigs in America coming up. Americans are, um… They’re an amazing audience, I’ve got to tell you. They’re amazing. As an audience, they’re so… You can see them, just… Ready, up for a good… yes! Yes! They’re wild. Wild. Because, with respect to British people, and I want you to know, I am one, so I’m the same as you. When I went to America, they were… I did the show in America, they were wild, whooping, cheering, laughing and everything. I went on social media after the show. Everything was in capitals. “Michael McIntyre was awesome! He blew the roof off. He was incredible!” I don’t get that here. I’m going to be honest with you. The best I get from British people is, “He didn’t disappoint.” Even when we’re happy… …we have to reference our disappointing lives. The other one I get here is, “Surprisingly good.” Why are you so surprised? You booked the tickets! British people go out with no expectations. “I’m not planning on much entertainment this evening.” “Surprisingly good, wasn’t it, Pam?” So, of all the places I went on my tour round the world, I think my funnest one, the most unexpectedly fun one, for me has to be, um, when I did these shows in Asia. I had never gigged in Asia. I did Hong Kong and Singapore back to back. And I’ve never even actually been to Asia before. And this might come as a surprise to many of you to find out that I’m not… …an Asian person. I realize… I look Asian. Especially when I smile, I get more and more Asian. Now… I’ve looked into this. My parents, not Asian. Everybody in my ancestry, also not from Asia. My children in no way resemble Asian people. I am the sole Asian representative… …of my house and family, and nobody understands why that’s happened. Even that I myself mistook myself for an Asian gentleman in what was a very, very depressing moment. I was coming off an airplane, and you know when they leave newspapers there for you to grab on the way off? And I’m coming off in that funnel bit, you know the funnel bit? Long-haul flight, not paying attention, and I notice, in the corner of my eye, that I’m on the front page of the Daily Mail. And my heart sunk. I thought… “What have I done? Oh, my God, something’s happened, something must have broken while I was in the sky. Oh, my… What? Oh, my… What is it? Oh, my God.” It was Kim Jong-un. If there’s a more depressing moment in my life, I’m yet to experience it. The sad truth is that I could probably unlock Kim Jong-un’s iPhone… …with my fat Asian face. Maybe the FBI will send me into the Pyongyang palace to steal government secrets in the dead of night. “How are you with creeping around bedrooms while people are trying to sleep?” “I practice that nightly, sir. I’m your man. Just give me a schematic of all the creaks on the floorboards and we’ll be fine.” While I was in, uh, Asia, in Hong Kong, a very, very exciting development occurred. Um… This was very unexpected. Now, I should tell you that I’m married to a beautiful woman. She’s out of my league. Um… She’s like properly… She’s hot. And I know that she’s out of my league because everybody who meets us, and meets her, tells us immediately. They can’t help it. They just look at us and go… “Why?” They don’t understand. She is a ten. She’s a ten. No doubt about it, she’s a ten. I am like, well… maybe with a diet and a… and a tan, and a… and a great… a great distance and a short-sighted affliction… and a low lighting, maybe a six. Or a five. I’m feeling it’s a four from this reaction. I’m fine, I’m fine with it, I don’t care. Because in Hong Kong, I’m a fucking nine. I’m a nine. This is the look they go for. ‘Cause I’ve got this sort of, “Is he Asian, is he not Asian?” Cool, British, James Bond-y thing going on. Soon as I got off the plane, girls were giggling. “Oh, my God!” I was like, “What?” I didn’t know what had happened. No one had ever reacted to me like that. Girls were coming up to me, “Excuse me, oh, my God, where you from? You have such an interesting face. Oh, hello.” I knew they fancied me because they were lowering their face masks to flirt. “Hello, stranger. How you doin’?” This girl came over to me, “Excuse me… are you a model?” Am I a model? No, what are you talking about?” She said, “You look exactly like the man from the Paco Rabanne adverts.” There’s an advertising campaign in Hong Kong for Paco Rabanne. I look exactly like the guy in it. If anything, I’m better looking. In Hong Kong, I’m a Paco Rabanne model. In this country, I’ve been offered zero advertising work whatsoever. Unless Jacamo come out with a new jacket boob range, I don’t think that’s gonna be changing… …in the near future. “Shop at Jacamo, with their new jacket boob range. Comes in all sizes of boobs.” Not gonna happen. Doesn’t matter. Hong Kong, gorgeous. Unfortunately, this did lead to a quite embarrassing, uh, situation. My wife’s always trying to look after me. She wasn’t with me. Um, I was touring alone, but I couldn’t sleep, I kept whining about it, “I’m jetlagged,” so she booked me in for a massage in the hotel spa. She said, “It’s world-renowned. Have a massage, it’ll help you sleep.” So I go downstairs to the spa, you know, lift doors open, there’s candles and low music. There’s a few girls on reception, they’re giggling as I walk over because I’m gorgeous, but I’m used to it now. It’s almost annoying. “He’s coming over! Oh, my God! He’s the guy from Paco Rabanne! Oh, my God!” This one girl lowered her face mask and put red lipstick on. “I can’t believe it’s him!” Then she put the face mask over her lips. It was seeping through the mask by the time I got there. She looked like the Joker in Batman. Not a good look! I said, “I’m here for my massage.” She said, “Okay, what you want to do is you want to go to the men’s locker room, just down there on the right, and in there you’ll find a locker, um… There’s a robe in there, and some slippers. Pop those on, and then go straight on and your therapist will meet you. Enjoy.” So I went through, and sure enough I found a locker. There was a robe in there, some slippers, just what I was expecting. But there was something I wasn’t expecting at all. A tiny packet of disposable… massage underwear. No man should be wearing these, let me tell you. There was a string that went round one hip, a string that went round the other, and then barely any fabric at all in the middle here. But, as I say, I’d never seen these disposable massage pants before. I assumed it was a face mask for my face. So the side stringy bits I hooked onto my ears, like this. And I put my face where my balls were supposed to be housed. Put the robe on, and the slippers, and I start coming down the corridor with these pants on my face. I got into the massage room, the girl was like… The pants are on your face!” I took it off, she’s like, “It’s the man from Paco Rabanne!” Isn’t it lovely, ladies and gentlemen, isn’t it nice, just… just for this… just for this… while we’re doing this show, to not be on our phones? But it’s nice, isn’t it? Look at all of us. It’s such a rarity. Look at us all. No one… No one’s on their phone. You probably used your phones to book your tickets for tonight. It’s very easy. You go online, you go to the theater. You can pick your seats. It’s all very easy to do when you’re booking things online. But there’s a weird thing that’s going on when you’re booking tickets. It doesn’t always happen, and nobody knows what the hell it’s all about. You’re booking your tickets online, and it suddenly just goes, “Are you a robot?” Extraordinary question. No one’s ever suspected I’m anything other human. And you tick the box and you go, “No, I’m not a robot. This is really weird, can we carry on?” And they go, “No.” The computer goes, “No, we can’t carry on. We’re going to have to run some tests to confirm that you are human and not a robot.” And you think, “Well, this should be the easiest test I’ve ever taken. I’m gonna ace this test. All I have to do is prove my humanity! I’ve br– I’ve– I’ve fathered other humans. I’m definitely not a robot. Come on, anything you’ve got. This is such a waste of time. What are the questions?” “Okay, so, here are some boxes. Which one is a shopfront?” “Oh. Why is this so difficult? Where are these creepy middle-American shops, anyway?” Sometimes the shop is bleeding into more than one box. What are we supposed to do? Do we just tick the main box or all the boxes around it? What are the rules of this robot quiz? So you go, “That one, that one, and I’m just guessing that one.” And you press send. It goes, “No. You got that wrong. We still suspect you might be a robot. How are you with bridges?” “I don’t know. I thought I was good at shops!” Sometimes I get so many wrong in a row, I’m like, “Darling, am I a robot? You would tell me?” My kids, I realized the other day, they don’t even know of a time when there was no internet. Their whole life, they’ve had internet. They can’t fathom how– They ask the question, “How did you survive?” And I have no answer. “I don’t really remember. I don’t really remember.” But we can think back now to the dawn of the internet. Remember those first few years, when we always said “www.” Before every website? What a waste of time that was. Why did it take us three years to realize all the websites start with www? “You can get us at our website, www.amazon.com.” “It’s www.ebay.com.” “Www.tripadvisor.com.” Some of them must be so painful. The World Wrestling Federation. “You can catch us on our website, www.wwwf.com.” Every day having to say that shit. The World Wildlife Fund. “Of course, don’t forget to donate, at www.wwwf.com.” We must have wasted a fortnight of our lives just going, “wwwwww…” And think back, think back now, now that the internet is so much a part of our lives, think back… think back to our first password, because our minds, our brains are so filled with passwords. It’s such a struggle for us to remember all the passwords. We go to businesses online and you go, “I can’t remember. I can’t remember my password.” And you put it in. Sometimes they lock you out, and they go, “No, you’ve got one more try to remember your own password, you fucking idiot.” “Oh, God!” Or you click “I forgot it,” and they ask you questions about your life, and you don’t even remember the answers. They’re about your own life! “What is your favorite pet?” “Oh, no, I can’t believe I chose one.” The dog walks in, “If it isn’t me, I’m leaving. I’m literally walking out the door.” “Www.” Oh, the passwords. And at the beginning, we all had one password. It was our… It was our first password. We can nostalgically remember. And we used it for everything, every time we joined another business. “Can I have your password?” “Yes, you can, that is my special word.” And then… companies started getting quite rude. You would put your password in, and it would go, “Weak.” “Who are you to judge my special word?” They’re like, “Sorry, but the internet has become very popular, we need to strengthen your password.” And businesses would insist, “We must have from you a capital letter. I’m sorry, we will not be accepting passwords anymore unless it contains at least one capital letter. And we all momentarily considered our options before deciding to capitalize the first letter of our password. And for a period of time, that was fine. But the internet became even more popular, and then businesses started saying, “I’m afraid you cannot join unless you have at least one capital letter and at least one number.” Again, less than half a microsecond’s consideration before we collectively decided, “You shall be getting the number one… …and that will be at the end of my now capitalized password.” And, for a period of time, this was acceptable, until a whole new unexpected and exciting dawn emerged. A world of special characters. We didn’t even know what they were! And businesses would say, “We need a capital letter, we need a number, but we will also require a special character. And we clicked on the button, “Please, can I have some examples of these special characters which you now insist upon?” And we perused them. “There they are. I had no idea these characters were so special.” Until all of our eyes stopped upon… the exclamation mark. “You’re coming with me.” Which we then put at the end of our now capitalized password, just after the one. And it’s at this moment that everybody at the London Palladium is thinking, “I should probably change my password. I’m probably gonna do that tomorrow. Do that now. Need to think of another special word. Better get that changed.” But this is it, this is what’s happening, of course, in the 20, in the 20s, 2020s, in the 2020s. Technology will only improve. It’s supposed to make our lives easier. Sometimes, in my opinion, a little bit too easy. I just got a new car. Everything is automated. I don’t do a thing for myself in this car. It gets dark, the headlights come on on their own. It starts raining, the windscreen wipers come on on their own. But it means that you’re physically doing less in the car, and, let’s be honest, it all adds up. It all adds up if you get lazy and everything’s done for you. Like, there are young people here who use the expression, “Can you roll the window up? Can you roll the window down? Mum, roll the window up. Roll the window down.” But their whole lives, they’ve been pushing button like this. Pushing button. They know nothing… of the decades that we spent physically doing this shit. Not easy. Often it would get stuck. It was quite… Good for your bicep. Don’t need to go to the gym, just roll the window down. Sometimes when the window was all the way down, it would start raining. It would be amazing, a super-fast wind-up. The passenger one, leaning over and doing that. You could try them both at the same time if you were feeling confident. Don’t go to the gym. To move the seat in my new car, it’s all done by buttons. There’s a button next to the seat, you move it to go forward. You move it to go back. Errr. The back rest. Err, err, err-err. All pushing buttons. That’s all you’re doing with your fingers. Back in the day, of course, there’d be a lever between your legs. You’d lift it up and it would shoot you… …along rails into the backseat of the car. “Hello! I’m in the back now!” You could see the rails in front of you like a mini roller coaster in reverse. Then you’d have to shag your way… …to your favored driving position. Very good for your core. Often you would over-shag. You would over-shag all the way, whoa, to the steering wheel, then have to back-shag… …with sensitivity. Gentlemen of the ’70s were much better lovers. They’re always shagging up and down in the Cortina for practice, just to find their favored driving position. So I had a bit of a weird moment in the car the other day with, um… with my wife. Now, look… My relationship… and I don’t know if I speak for all men here, I feel like it’s a never-ending quest with my wife to find out what I’m supposed to be doing. I never quite know exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. So we’re driving in the car, and she’s in the passenger seat. Very odd, this was. I go past a parking space, I realize I’ve gone past it, and I go, “Oh, I need to reverse.” So I do a classic move, we’ve all seen this, I put my arm around her, sort of, you know, lean up like that. You know, just sort of… You know. And then reverse, quite fast. And then wind it into a space, nice. Felt pretty good, decent maneuver. Didn’t think much of it, didn’t make a thing. My wife looks at me and she goes, “Ooh. “I find that really sexy.” I had no idea what she was talking about. I’m looking outside the car, “What? What happened? Did something– What are you talking about?” She said, “I’ve always found that really sexy, when men do that.” “What men? What men are you talking about? Who are these sexy men? What are you talking about?” She said, “Just when you reverse like that, I’ve always found that really sexy and you don’t normally do that.” “Do what? What are you… What are you talking about?” “Just when you put your arm around me and then reverse really fast. Ooh, I’ve always found that really sexy.” I’m sorry, but I’ve been focusing mainly… in the bedroom for the last 20 years of our relationship to arouse you. It would have taken me a billion years before I attempted maneuvers in the car… …as part of foreplay. “What’s the plan for date night? Shall we just drive around in reverse and you tell me when you’re up for it?” I’m happy to do that now, seeing as we’re here. She said, “Michael, I can’t help what I find sexy.” I said, “Well, is there anything else really weird that you find sexy that I should know about?” She said, “Let me have a think.” I said, “Please do.” She said, “Oh, there is one thing that men do.” “Sorry, who are the men which you speak of?” “It’s just that you don’t do it, Michael.” “Do what?” She said, “You know when men take their sweater off, take their jumper off, and just reach behind their back, and then… just take it off in one go.” She said, “Oh. Ohh.” She starts moaning. “Ohh. I find that really sexy.” “I’m sorry, what are you talking about?” “They just reach behind their back, and then just take their jumper off.” “You don’t find my way sexy? When I get the sleeves and I… …slowly and expertly work my way up… And then you have to pull it off.” She said, “As a matter of fact, I do not… find that sexy.” So I thought, “Fine, I’m gonna put this to the test.” Banked it, yeah? Few weeks later, date night. Went out, good night, few drinks, nice meal. Came home, kids are asleep, happened to be in a sweater. Thought, “I’m gonna bloody go for it.” I didn’t realize it would be difficult. I didn’t realize I had to practice this move. Nor did I realize it was one of the tighter necklines in my wardrobe. So I just reached behind my back and I just went for it, I pulled as hard as I could, and my head got stuck in the ring. It was like I was being born very slowly. A definite forceps delivery. Also, and I was w– I was upset about this, my shirt came up with the jumper, so my tummy was just wobbling around in the open. And this was after dinner. “Don’t fill up on bread, Michael.” “But it’s hot, it’s warm.” “Are you gonna finish those potatoes? They’re so yummy, shame to go to waste.” “Shall we share a dessert?” “Fuck that, I’ll have my own.” “Petit fours? Don’t mind if I do!” And I was pulling it so hard to keep it sexy. It took a while, and I finally popped out the top. She wasn’t there, she’d fucked off. “Babe? I did the sexy jumper thing. You missed it! I thought we could drive around in reverse for a bit and then maybe go to bed?” So here, ladies and gentlemen… …is a bit of an overshare. Hashtag… “Too much information.” I said to her after all this stuff, I said, “Babe… Babe… Babe… I’m tired of this trial and error approach. Why don’t– We should just communicate. Why don’t you just tell me, after all these… Let’s just talk about it, just tell me, what really turns you on. She went, “What, really?” I was like, “Ooh.” “Whatever that is, I wanna know!” “What really turns you on?” She went, “For real?” “Yes.” “You really wanna know?” “Yes. “Seriously?” “Yes, just tell me.” “For real?” “Yes.” She went… “Black men.” “How exactly am I supposed to work that into our anniversary, darling?” Despite this, things are going well. Um… Still together. Kids are growing up. Um… Ozzy, my youngest, he’s, uh… he’s still a kid, really. I mean, my… Lucas is 14 now, Ozzy’s like 11. So he’s still a little boy. And he’s… he’s a very bright, amazing boy. He needs to get off, he needs to get of the Xbox. He has to get off the Xbox. Completely bloody addicted to playing his bloody Xbox. And I come in there all the time, “Come on, off. I said five minutes, it’s been 45 minutes. You were lucky to get away with that. Off.” He’s like, “I’m coming in a minute, Dad. I’ll be there in a…” Sorry. That’s not his voice, I don’t know who that was! He is far more middle class than that, let me tell you! “I’ll be there momentarily, Papa. Just give me a few more minutes and I’ll… I’ll be wrapping up shortly. Post-haste.” I don’t know who that first kid was! “‘Ello, mate, I’m your son. Does that come as a surprise?” “I’ve been meaning to ask you, Dad, how come I’m from the East End… …and you’re Chinese? I can’t get my head around this. What kind of a family am I living in? What kind of a family? And I’ve just seen Mom reversing down the road with a black geezer. What’s happening? I saw a sweater flung out the window. She looked happy. Happier than in a while, I gotta tell. Big grin on her face.” Don’t know who that is, sorry. So he’s always, “I’ll get off in a minute.” Always “in a minute.” I don’t think he knows what “in a minute” means. It’s one word, “inaminute”. “You’ll come off now, all right? Dinner’s on the table.” “I’m coming, I can’t… In a minute, it’s a really important game. He plays this shooting game, this Fortnite rubbish. “It’s a really important game, all right?” “Pause it, then.” “I can’t pause it, Dad. It won’t pause. You can’t pause it. I can’t…” “You can pause it! I’m putting my foot down! You need to pause it.” “I can’t pause it. I’d– I’d have to kill myself.” “Darling, it’s not that serious.” “No, I mean on the game. I’d have to kill myself on the game.” “Then kill yourself, I don’t care!” This is what happens now every night in my house. I call up the stairs, “Ozzy! Kill yourself, it’s dinner! Get your friend to shoot you! It’s Bolognese, getting cold.” Truth is, he doesn’t respect me. I have no control over him whatsoever. He runs rings around me. He only listens to his mother. He laughs in my face. Every time I raise my voice… The other day I was like, “Come on, it’s bedtime now. Have you brushed your teeth?” He was like, “Dad, Dad, there’s no need to shout. I’m standing right here. I can hear you. Calm down.” He said to me, “Are you tired or something? Are you tired?” “I suppose a little bit, I am a little bit tired.” The other day he said to me, “Is your blood sugar level low? Do you need a snack?” “Yeah, I suppose. I mean, I am a bit hungry.” He sent me to my room to lie down. The big news in our house is, uh… Well, we’ve got… we’ve got a dog. We’ve never had a dog before. There’s dog fans! Got a little fluffy… Got a little fluffy dog. Little fluffy, lovely little fluffy dog. Mr. McFluffintyre. He’s a very nice… fluffy, fluffy dog. He’s very loving. You know why he’s loving? Because that’s his nature. Different breeds of dogs have different natures. I went to– It was like buying a car. I went on this website, www. Something… www.whatkindofdog.com. Uh… It tells you about the different breeds, all the characteristics, and how much you need to walk them, and how much exercise they need, how much you feed them, whether they molt and all this stuff. And there was a category for love, how loving are they? How much do they love people? And it was all rated out of five stars, and I was only considering dogs that got five stars for love. Why would you bring an animal into your home if it doesn’t love you the fullest? And five-star love dogs, there’s, you know, golden retrievers, Labradors, and my dog, the little fluffy Norfolk terrier. He’s a five-star love dog. And you can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, it’s unbelievable. He’s like, “I love you so much.” I’m gonna give him a Norfolk accent. He’s a Norfolk terrier. I don’t know how he speaks, but I assume if he did, he would. “I love you so much. Thank you so much for being my master. Thank you so much for letting me live in your house. I love what you’ve done with the place, it’s magnificent. Absolutely beautiful. You could be an interior designer if you put your mind to it. I think you could do anything if you put your mind to it. When I look at you, I feel the same way as an Asian woman does when she looks at you. I’m absolutely obsessed with you. I think you’re amazing. I love the way, when you reach up high, your jacket squeezes up like boobs. I love it when I hear you getting up in the night and I listen for you peeing. ‘He’s up again!’ What a character! I love it when you come out the bath and you’ve got two red feet, one red arm and a couple of red balls. I just love it. I miss you when you’re away. I get worried about you getting bitten by sharks in Australia. I worry about you slipping on that big dick on the sex floor. I know you’re not a robot. You’re one of the most genuine people I’ve ever known in my entire life. I love you. I’m obsessed. You know when you go out the house? I… I know it’s irrational, but I worry that you might be dead. I get it in my head that he’s only gone and died, my master, the true love of my life’s gone and died on me. And then when you come home, I’m the happiest dog in the whole wide world ’cause I’m a five-star love dog!” That’s my dog. Five stars. Very loving. I went on the website to see dogs that don’t get five stars for love. One star, the chihuahua. Those little Mexican dogs with the googly eyes, they don’t like people. ‘Cause you run into different breeds of dogs, because you take the dog, dog owners know this, you take them to the park and they want to sniff around and stuff, they want to meet other dogs. And they see them. It’s amazing when they spot each other. And basically, what they want to do, well, what my dog wants to do, is have a little, very brief encounter with the other dog which involves smelling each other’s balls and then carrying on. It’s very odd. He goes up to a dog, “Excuse me, mate, is it all right if I smell your balls?” Then the other dog goes, “Yeah, whatever,” and then they… And then he’s, “Have a go on mine.” And then they go, “Thanks for that,” and then they just carry on. And they spot each other from miles away. And the other dog looks at him. And then, sometimes, dogs are mean. They don’t want to smell, ’cause he’s a little puppy. Some German shepherd will be coming along like this, “I’m the German shepherd. I’m the German shepherd.” My dog goes, “Is it alright if I have a quick sniff on the balls?” “Absolutely not, you silly little puppy. Look at the size of you. You couldn’t even get up to my magnificent balls if you tried! You think I’m going to stoop to your mini balls? Disgusting! Stay away from my balls!” Get a French poodle come along. “I’m the French poodle.” My dog comes. “Excuse me, I was wondering if I could get a… I just got quite badly treated by a German shepherd. I was wondering if I could get a quick sniff on your balls?” “Before Brexit, it would have been fine, but I’m not happy. I don’t think you made the right decision, no. You have not made the right decision. You know? Maybe before, but now I don’t like it. The way you vote is very rude to the French people. You’re not part of this anymore, you know? You want free movement of people? Well, you don’t get free movement of your nose to my balls, not anymore. Get away from the balls.” Afghan hound coming over. “Please, don’t touch my… In normal circumstances I would, but things very difficult in my country. I have to go home. Very many unrest in my region. I must go watch CNN. Please, balls are not available right now.” Once in a while you get lovely dogs, like a little Scottish terrier comes along. “Ooh, hello! Ah, fucking feast on those, pal! Get your face right in! Go on, I’m in no rush whatsoever! I’ll have a go on yours in a minute. Just enjoy! Get right the fuck in there, pal!” But chihuahuas? Oh, every time… Every time you see a chihuahua, the owner’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful! He’s a bit nippy.” And you can see it in his eyes. I’d be like, “Of course– of course he’s a bit nippy, he’s a one-star love dog. Do your research.” See him going, “I’m a one-star love dog, I don’t know why she bought me. I don’t like her. I don’t like other people. Why she not do her research on the internet? When she tries to come close to me, I try to bite her, ’cause I don’t like her face, I don’t like her children, her husband. You know when she goes out of the house, I hope she’s dead. I do, I pray for her death. And get me out of your handbag, you fucking witch!” One star. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out and sharing this super fun night with me! Thank you very much! Goodnight! Bravo! Yay! Nice people! Thank you! Thank you at the top! Thank you, lovely people! Thank you! Thank you all! Goodnight! Bravo! Woo-hoo! Was ok untill he got to the Norfolk accent. West Country. Mmmmm. Maybe he’s Korean I’m still searching for the paco rabanne model look-alike Great observational humour on the whole but I didn’t see the next to trivialise the situation in Afghanistan by including the Afghan hound in his final piece. And he isn’t even a controversial comedian so on the whole so very out of context and insensitive. Still love watching your shows though, Michael. | Bravo! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome… …to my Netflix special! Let’s do this! Thank you! If I’m honest with you, I wanted to be in slightly better… physical condition for… f-for the special. I planned on it, but, you know, it’s not really happened. I wouldn’t have mentioned it, it’s just that this suit was cut bespokely for my body about a year ago, and it’s not a body I have anymore, unfortunately. It’s got a little clingy, a bit tuggy. I’ve found I have to express myself, gesticulate, below this line. You’ll see mostly I’ll need to express myself down here tonight, because, when I raise my arms beyond that, this has started. Jacket boobs, ladies and gentlemen. An incredibly unfortunate side effect of the tight jacket. I’ve got a bit chubby cheek, chubby cheek. I’ve got the old chubby cheeks going on at the moment. Um… Unfortunately, due to the chubby cheek situation, um, a few problems. I got a phone, um, I don’t know when it was, about a year ago. The new iPhone. It’s got Face ID. When you first get it, you look at it, it maps your face, and then it remembers you. Every time you look at it, it becomes unlocked. Not from a code, just from your face. Well, now my phone no longer recognizes… my fat face. Just stares at me as if to say, “Who’s that fat thief? Have you stolen Michael’s phone?” I can unlock it, but I have to do this. Mmm. Mmm. It’s ’cause I’m getting older, you see. My wife and I, we’re the same age. Little things have started changing. For years, everything was the same, but now we can feel it creeping in. It’s not exactly old age, but little… little differences. For example, we can’t stay up at night. We… We pass out. Every single– About 9:30 is a late one for us. We get so tired. You know when you click on the Netflix thing and it goes “boom-boom”? That’s the sound of my wife and I’s head hitting the pillow and passing out. We can’t get beyond it. Another thing that’s started happening now… which, I have to say, I’m not proud of this. I’m actually very disappointed that this has happened so young in my life. It’s not happening every night. But I have started, occasionally, waking up in the middle of the night needing a pee… …which is a very depressing development. There’s an elder gentleman who applauded that. What a… What a funny moment. “I’m there with you, my friend.” My bladder used to be fine. Like many young bladders in this room, I’d go to sleep at night. I’d be like, “Night, blad.” My bladder would be like, “Night, Mikey. Sleep well.” “I will.” I’d wake up in the morning, my bladder’s like, “Look, we are full down here, but no cause for alarm. Next time you’re passing the loo, I will need emptying. But chill out, relax, no rush on this. Have some breakfast, have some juices. Have some smoothies. Tea, coffee, whatever you want. Cereal, more milk, don’t mind if you do. I’ve got this… till at least noon.” Well, not anymore. Now, when I’m deep asleep in the middle of the night, my bladder sends messages to my brain to give me dreams that I’m pissing myself. This is how it wakes me up. I’m having a normal anxiety dream. I’m back at school. I’m in an exam I haven’t revised for. I’m just having a weird dream, and then I look down… Oh, and I’ve peed my pants as well. I wake up in a panic! Have I pissed my pants? I look down, my bladder’s like, “Nearly! We’ve got to go now! Up! Now!” And you lie there, “But I don’t want to get up. It’s three o’clock in the morning, I don’t want to.” And you fight it, but your bladder’s insistent. “I’m afraid you have to wake up, it’s a very dangerous situation down here. I don’t think I can handle it.” So that involves getting out of the bed and going around the bed, out of the door, into the bathroom, which is over there, right? Round the bed because my wife is there, she’s closest to the door. That’s her side. This is my side, that’s her side. It’s been that way for 20 years. It will never, ever change. We all have our sides. Have you ever gone on to your partner’s side? It’s the weirdest sensation! “It’s the same room, but it looks really weird from here! I don’t like it!” So I’ve got to go round the bed, and I can’t wake her up. I cannot wake my wife. If my wife is awoken in the night, she won’t get back to sleep, she’ll blame me, she’ll be up. “Why’d you have to wake me up? Why do you make so much noise?” So I have to make sure she stays asleep. And also, if she wakes up in the night, she will inevitably go on her phone, which means she will inevitably buy shoes. She buys so many shoes on her phone on online shopping. She– She buys shoes when she’s in the bath, she buys shoes at traffic lights, she bought a pair of shoes on the way up a roller coaster. She’s addicted. It’s costing a fortune. Little bit of an insight into how bad it is. The other night, I was lying in bed on my laptop. She’s next to me on her mobile phone. The children are both in the room as well, they’re both on iPads, and the television is on in front of us. It’s a wonderful, modern family scene. It’s not like we don’t chat as a family. Sometimes there’s a WhatsApp ping and we discuss whose phone it was. “Ping!” “Was that you? I think it was me.” “I think your phone just went.” “Thank you, right you are.” And then we get back to our devices. I was on internet banking at the time. I could see money coming out of the account in real time. Every time I refreshed it, we had less money in the bank! “You are doing this right now, darling?” “But these shoes are so beautiful, darling! I just had to! I just had to! If it upsets you, stop refreshing.” “Please, leave us something for the morning!” So I can’t wake her up, can’t wake her up. It’s gonna cost a fortune. So I’ve got to creep round, get to the loo. That is easier said than done, on account of the floorboards. I never realized we had creaky floorboards until I started creeping around on them in the middle of the night. I’ve never noticed the floorboards make a noise in the daytime. As soon as my foot… steps out of the bed in the dead of night… I can see my wife stirring in her sleep. Her arm is subconsciously reaching for her mobile. “No!” I try and find a non-creaky… “Fuck!” After a while, I just leg it. Everything makes a noise in the night. Everything. I didn’t even know… we had an extractor fan until I started peeing in the night. I’ll go into the loo, you turn the lights on… What are we extracting? I haven’t started yet. It’s the loudest thing in the world! It’s gonna wake my wife up! And there’s not two switches. There’s not a switch… There’s not a switch for light and a switch for… extraction. They’re on the same circuit. So if you want the light on, you have to go… which will definitely wake my wife up. So it means peeing… in the darkness. Because it’s all about sound, you have to be very sensitive to noise, ’cause you’re waiting for the splash. But you can’t pee into the water, that’s too noisy. That will wake my wife up. So you wait for the water, and then immediately retreat… …to find the sweet spot of the bowl surrounding the water. Yes! This acknowledgment of night peeing! Darkness urination. And sometimes you’re peeing and you hear a different sound, you know, like, “Ooh, I think that’s the floor. I’m peeing on the floor. I’ve overcompensated.” Then you put the light on. “Yep, I’ve pissed on the floor.” Then you have to get the loo roll out, you throw that down. You create a sort of foot mop situation, as you remove your own pee from the bathroom floor. “How’s your life going, Michael?” “Well, I’m just foot-mopping piss at 3:20 a.m. Other than that, really, really happy.” Then it’s back to bed. Soon as I get into the bedroom, I can see my wife’s face glowing. The phone. Like a horror movie. You can see shoes in her eyeballs. “Do you have to make so much fucking noise, Michael? I’ve bought three pairs of shoes there.” Damn! That piss cost me 600 quid! Plus VAT! I’m thinking about getting a catheter just to save money. I’ve… I’ve actually started… And this is good advice for you. I’ve started having a Berocca before bed, then I get glow-in-the-dark pee and I can see exactly the situation. But I know where… I’m starting to actually learn where the creaks are. I actually… I get out of bed, and I know where to avoid. I’m getting quite good at it. I think as I get older, I’ll get more and more brilliant at it. By the time I’m 80, I’ll be like Ninja Warrior. A sort of stealth-pissing pensioner in the middle of the night. Barely any piss will come out at that age. Before realizing I’ve accidentally peed in the spare room cupboard, but this is all to come, ladies and gentlemen! But the good news is, the only positive to come out of getting up in the night to pee is it does give me the opportunity, while my wife is asleep, to readjust the temperature in the bedroom, because she likes sleeping in Arctic conditions. She sleeps with the window open, and she calls it “room temperature.” I’m like, “Darling, that’s not room temperature if the window is open. That’s garden temperature.” We might as well sleep in a tent outside. It’s freezing! “Can we close the window, put the heating on?” “No, we can’t have the heating on in the bedroom. You know we’ll get sore throats.” “Well, my throat is quite sore with the icicles forming in it!” But I don’t mind, she can have what she likes, it’s fine. We… We live together. If she wants it freezing, I’ll put another blanket on. It’ll be fine. My issue with it is her relationship with temperature makes no sense at all. Why does she want the bedroom so absolutely freezing, but her bath is the hottest thing known to man? There’s lava, and then there’s my wife’s bath. When she’s in the bath, steam fills the house. People are driving down our road with fog lights on going, “What’s happened in that building?” And often she calls out from the bath, through the steam, “Michael, would you like this bath after me?” “What, to cook pasta in? No.” Danger. ‘Cause we’ve all done that. We’ve all got into a bath that’s too hot. And it’s normally our own fault, we don’t have time to wait. When we run the hot tap, and we run the cold, we don’t have time to wait for the full, proper temperature to reveal itself. You just have a, “Should be fine.” You go away, busy life, and you come back, and you normally know as soon as your foot goes in. As soon it goes in, you normally go, “Ooh! I’ve… I’ve run that a bit too hot.” But often you don’t realize it until you’re in already. You get in, and you start lowering yourself, because it takes a while for the information that your feet are burning… …to reach your brain, where the information has to go to tell you about it. Because it’s really quite a long way for the information to travel. So you start lowering yourself and thinking, “Something doesn’t feel altogether right here.” Then it just hits you. You have a split-second decision, “Do I stay, or do I go?” And many times you just go, “I can’t! Oh, my God, I can’t!” And you end up standing naked in your bathroom. You look down, you’ve got these sort of red skin socks of pain. “Ow! Look what I did to myself!” Then you have to empty the hot out to put the cold in, which involves sacrificing your arm to plunge to the plug. Plug plunging, very dangerous. You look at your arm as if to say, “This will hurt, I do apologize. Brace yourself.” Sometimes you can’t get a purchase. You’re like, “I could lose my arm!” But the braver amongst us, there’s many here tonight, and I count myself amongst you, will hover paddle. This is where you get into the bath, even though it hurts, and you hover over the surface. You get the cold on, and you start paddling like a maniac. “We can change this! It’s getting better all the time now! Be brave! Be brave!” Then you inherently know, “It’s time to change direction now! Come on! It’s getting better, it’s getting better! Come on!” And then you have to test it. How is the water going? Is it ready to fully submerge? And you do this with your bottom, you select your bottom, and the task of your bottom is simply to dip in to see, is it ready? How’s it going? Is– How’s it going? This is where I forget, unfortunately, that I have balls. It’s not so much that I forget. It’s more the angle of dangle… …means that my balls are now the closest thing to the surface of the water, not my bottom after all. And it comes as a nasty surprise. It’s the most sensitive part of the human body It’s the last part of the human body, let’s be honest, that you would volunteer… …to test boiling water with. No one’s ever handed me a cup of tea and said, “Michael… This might be a little bit on the hot side.” “Well, we shall soon find out, my friend.” “Right you are, little bit more milk. Just a splash. Just tested it with my hover-paddle hardened bollocks there, my friend.” Thirsty work. Thirsty work here. This is, uh, bottled water. They’ve taken the label off it because of advertising. Because they’re worried that people watching Netflix might want to, uh, look like me. Can you imagine? “What does he drink?” It’s, uh, Evian, of course. Uh… If you were wondering. Evian. “Live young, Evian.” Middle class people love bottled water, don’t they? It’s a colorless, odorless, tasteless liquid and it tastes the same no matter what brand you get. It’s a miracle of branding and marketing that people prefer different ones. “Oh, I like Voss.” “I like Fiji.” “I like Buxton.” “I’m a Highland Spring guy.” It’s the same… same water. And they get very offended, you must have seen this in restaurants when the waiter comes over, “Can I get you a drink?” “Uh, yes, can we just have water, please? Still water, we’re fine with still water.” Sometimes the waiter goes, “Tap?” It’s a horrible moment. It’s like he’s just said, “Puddle? I could scoop some from the pavement? It rained earlier.” And people are so offended. “Uh, excuse me, how dare you? Are you trying to poison me and my children? Do you not have any respect? Do you think I can’t afford bottled water? We’ll have Evian, please, or something. There’s a mountain on the bottle, we find it reassuring. We don’t want your disgusting tap water. We don’t know the condition of your taps and your tanks and your pipes. How revolting. Your rat-infested tanks? Water that’s been drained and flushed for centuries? You’re trying to give that to me? How revolting. “Ice?” “Yes, could you freeze the shit water and put it into the bottled water? Because we haven’t thought this through at all. We’d like a slow death, a slow release of poisoned rat water into the purity of Evian.” So this is a culmination of, um, a tour I’ve been doing for a while, on and off, all around the world. It’s a big world tour, a big world tour. And I suppose it’s amazingly exciting to be home at the end of it because I’ve been far flung, far flung places. Probably the furthest I’ve been is the furthest anybody’s been from here, which is New Zealand, New Zealand. New Zealand is, um… Yeah, New Zealand’s amazing, I love New Zealand. Um, but it takes 24 hours, as you know, to get there from here and that’s a day of your life gone, just gone, it’s insane. And the jetlag is monumental. So I landed in Auckland, New Zealand. I thought, I’ve got to get onto the time zone as quickly as possible. So I pulled out the bezel of my watch, and I said to the stewardess, “What’s the time difference here? I just want to get onto the new time zone. What’s the time difference here?” “It’s 12 hours ahead. The time difference in New Zealand, it’s 12 hours ahead. We’re 12 hours ahead in New Zealand.” So I started to wind my watch 12 hours. And I notice in my peripheral vision she was looking at me like I was an idiot. I thought, “What’s her problem? She needs to jog on.” I got to about eight hours in and I realized, “Oh, right, I’m going to land in exactly the same place that I started.” So… So, rather than look a fool, I wound it back. “Thank you, I’ll be fine from here. Thank you for your help.” They talk like that in New Zealand. On the front of their mouths like this. It’s quite fast, it’s quite pacey. And basically, they change the vowels, they have a strange relationship with vowels. They get to a vowel and they just pick another and go with that one instead. It’s a thing. ‘Cause Australia’s a little bit different, it’s much slower in Australia. They take their time. They love the vowels. When they see a vowel, they’re just like, “We’re gonna stay there. I see no reason… to rush this sentence, mate. We’re gonna stay on the vowel.” But New Zealand, it’s all about changing the vowel. I had a bit of an incident on account of this vowel changing situation, and I’m going to be honest and upfront. It was quite rude. Um, but it’s funny. When I was checking into the hotel in Auckland, um, she wanted to tell me, the receptionist, about this new swimming pool that they’d built on the sixth floor. Six. The six floor. Um… And surrounding the pool was a deck. Uh, with an “E.” And it was known as “The Deck,” and in the lift it went, “The Deck.” I was checking in, she said, “While you’re staying here, are you gonna spend some time sitting on the Deck?” “That is an astonishing assumption to make of me.” She said, “There’s a lovely big deck on the sixth floor.” “There’s a lovely big dick on the sex floor? What kind of a place is this?” She said, “The deck is for hanging out.” “No, it isn’t!” “Careful, it can get a bit slippery up there, it’s hardwood.” “Oh, please, behave!” And I went to Australia while I was there. Obviously nipped over to Australia. It’s beautiful. I love Australia, I love Australians. Really nice people. We’ve got us some Australians over here. Welcome, I love ’em. I love ’em. Really… Really full on, really happy. They love that you come over, they’re just so grateful. “Fucking hell, you came all the way!” Just brilliant. And it’s like a holiday destination, it’s beautiful. The beaches are beautiful, the landscape’s magnificent. The only problem, with all due respect, is the, um… the sharks have decided that that’s where they should be. And the circle Australia, waiting for Australians to get into the water. And guess what? Australians keep getting into the water. I was– I went to the beach with some Australians. They’re like, “You gonna come for a swim, Mickey? Come and relax, cool off? Come for a swim, it’s lovely in the water today.” “No, I don’t think so. I’ll be– I’ll be fine.” “Why not? Why not?” “Because there are sharks in there.” “Yeah. Not always.” “I think… the fact that there’s ever been one is enough for me.” “Ah, come on, Mickey. You’ve gotta live your life.” “Yes, until it ends. Maybe today, with a shark attack, you see?” He said, “You’ve got more chance of being hit by a car.” “Not when I’m fucking swimming, I don’t. I’ll be staying here on the beach.” “I’ll be right here. I’ll cool off another way.” So while I was in Australia, I did see, unfortunately, a gentleman… This isn’t… This isn’t funny. But he was fine. He was fine. He was… There was a shark attack incident, but he was fine. He’d just got bitten on the arm. It wasn’t great. Um… I shouldn’t laugh. The point I’m trying to make is that I passionately believe that this shark attack would not have happened if he hadn’t have got into the water. He’s lying in his hospital bed being interviewed on the news. There’s a reporter on the end of his bed. He’s got his arm up in a thing, he’s got his neck in a brace. She’s like, “So, just if you can, if it’s all right, could you just talk us through, talk us through, sir, what… what happened? He’s like, “Yeah, well, I was… I was just… I-I was just… I was just surfing in the ocean, and then this shark literally… came out of nowhere.” Not exactly. The shark was in its natural habitat. You’re the one who literally came out of nowhere and offered yourself as a light snack. On a plate. Literally, on a long, thin platter. Get out of the water. It’s not like he’s being interviewed in his hospital bed and he’s like, “I was… I was on the fourth floor of my Melbourne apartment… …unloading the dishwasher. I pulled out the top rack to put my mug in, and this shark literally came out of nowhere, attacked me on the arm.” “I was an internal flight to Adelaide. I looked out the plane, there’s a fucking shark on the wing.” I will attempt an accent, you’ve probably noticed I’ll give it a go. Um, I like accents. It doesn’t matter where you go in the world, they’ve developed their own little way of talking. I don’t know how it starts. Nobody knows how it evolves. Beautiful ones, you’ve got Italy. It’s so beautiful in Italy. They speak so beautiful. I don’t know how it evolved, but it is certainly the most sexy way of communication is to talk with an Italian accent, it’s so sexy. Everybody love the way I talking. Yeah? You go to France… A little pissed off, but still pretty cool, we talk like this. Of all the accents in the world, the one I think maybe they should ch-change, and I don’t want to disrespect anybody here who may be from there, but for me, it’s the Northern Irish accent. What on earth is going on there? It’s not an easy one to do. They’ve decided, in Northern Ireland, that the best… the best… the best way to communicate is right… right at the back of their throat, like that. Just making noises. Nothing there. Absolutely nothing. You don’t know what they’re saying. “We’re gonna make noises in a Northern Irish accent, just gonna… What are you even doing here?” “I don’t even know what you’re doing here myself.” How does it start? Because babies are like… “Wah!” “No, it’s ‘Aah!’ All right? If you’re going to stay here, you’ve got to do the ‘Aah.'” It’s right in the back like that, fucking right at the back. The Northern Irish accent is the only time I’ve ever heard somebody sneeze, and I could tell where they were from… …from the sneeze. I was in Dubai airport and this bloke sitting next to me just went… “Achoo.” Oh, for goodness sake. “Are you from, uh, Northern Ireland?” “I am, I’m from Belfast.” “Thought as much.” It’s fun though there. It’s nice, nice place. Did some good shows in Belfast. Really good audience, up for it. Nice people, friendly, welcoming. Had some time to kill while I was there, so I went to what was, what is, the most successful tourism destination they’ve ever had in the whole of Northern Ireland. It’s called the Titanic Quarter. And it’s all about the building of the Titanic, that was built in Belfast, and it’s something they’re incredibly… proud of. It’s like they don’t know what happened to the Titanic. Where they built it. I went round this museum, and I said to somebody working there, “I’m so sorry, but you do know what happened to the Titanic?” “It was fine when it left here.” I don’t know if that’s the point, mate. So while I was there, I had these gigs in America coming up. Americans are, um… They’re an amazing audience, I’ve got to tell you. They’re amazing. As an audience, they’re so… You can see them, just… Ready, up for a good… yes! Yes! They’re wild. Wild. Because, with respect to British people, and I want you to know, I am one, so I’m the same as you. When I went to America, they were… I did the show in America, they were wild, whooping, cheering, laughing and everything. I went on social media after the show. Everything was in capitals. “Michael McIntyre was awesome! He blew the roof off. He was incredible!” I don’t get that here. I’m going to be honest with you. The best I get from British people is, “He didn’t disappoint.” Even when we’re happy… …we have to reference our disappointing lives. The other one I get here is, “Surprisingly good.” Why are you so surprised? You booked the tickets! British people go out with no expectations. “I’m not planning on much entertainment this evening.” “Surprisingly good, wasn’t it, Pam?” So, of all the places I went on my tour round the world, I think my funnest one, the most unexpectedly fun one, for me has to be, um, when I did these shows in Asia. I had never gigged in Asia. I did Hong Kong and Singapore back to back. And I’ve never even actually been to Asia before. And this might come as a surprise to many of you to find out that I’m not… …an Asian person. I realize… I look Asian. Especially when I smile, I get more and more Asian. Now… I’ve looked into this. My parents, not Asian. Everybody in my ancestry, also not from Asia. My children in no way resemble Asian people. I am the sole Asian representative… …of my house and family, and nobody understands why that’s happened. Even that I myself mistook myself for an Asian gentleman in what was a very, very depressing moment. I was coming off an airplane, and you know when they leave newspapers there for you to grab on the way off? And I’m coming off in that funnel bit, you know the funnel bit? Long-haul flight, not paying attention, and I notice, in the corner of my eye, that I’m on the front page of the Daily Mail. And my heart sunk. I thought… “What have I done? Oh, my God, something’s happened, something must have broken while I was in the sky. Oh, my… What? Oh, my… What is it? Oh, my God.” It was Kim Jong-un. If there’s a more depressing moment in my life, I’m yet to experience it. The sad truth is that I could probably unlock Kim Jong-un’s iPhone… …with my fat Asian face. Maybe the FBI will send me into the Pyongyang palace to steal government secrets in the dead of night. “How are you with creeping around bedrooms while people are trying to sleep?” “I practice that nightly, sir. I’m your man. Just give me a schematic of all the creaks on the floorboards and we’ll be fine.” While I was in, uh, Asia, in Hong Kong, a very, very exciting development occurred. Um… This was very unexpected. Now, I should tell you that I’m married to a beautiful woman. She’s out of my league. Um… She’s like properly… She’s hot. And I know that she’s out of my league because everybody who meets us, and meets her, tells us immediately. They can’t help it. They just look at us and go… “Why?” They don’t understand. She is a ten. She’s a ten. No doubt about it, she’s a ten. I am like, well… maybe with a diet and a… and a tan, and a… and a great… a great distance and a short-sighted affliction… and a low lighting, maybe a six. Or a five. I’m feeling it’s a four from this reaction. I’m fine, I’m fine with it, I don’t care. Because in Hong Kong, I’m a fucking nine. I’m a nine. This is the look they go for. ‘Cause I’ve got this sort of, “Is he Asian, is he not Asian?” Cool, British, James Bond-y thing going on. Soon as I got off the plane, girls were giggling. “Oh, my God!” I was like, “What?” I didn’t know what had happened. No one had ever reacted to me like that. Girls were coming up to me, “Excuse me, oh, my God, where you from? You have such an interesting face. Oh, hello.” I knew they fancied me because they were lowering their face masks to flirt. “Hello, stranger. How you doin’?” This girl came over to me, “Excuse me… are you a model?” Am I a model? No, what are you talking about?” She said, “You look exactly like the man from the Paco Rabanne adverts.” There’s an advertising campaign in Hong Kong for Paco Rabanne. I look exactly like the guy in it. If anything, I’m better looking. In Hong Kong, I’m a Paco Rabanne model. In this country, I’ve been offered zero advertising work whatsoever. Unless Jacamo come out with a new jacket boob range, I don’t think that’s gonna be changing… …in the near future. “Shop at Jacamo, with their new jacket boob range. Comes in all sizes of boobs.” Not gonna happen. Doesn’t matter. Hong Kong, gorgeous. Unfortunately, this did lead to a quite embarrassing, uh, situation. My wife’s always trying to look after me. She wasn’t with me. Um, I was touring alone, but I couldn’t sleep, I kept whining about it, “I’m jetlagged,” so she booked me in for a massage in the hotel spa. She said, “It’s world-renowned. Have a massage, it’ll help you sleep.” So I go downstairs to the spa, you know, lift doors open, there’s candles and low music. There’s a few girls on reception, they’re giggling as I walk over because I’m gorgeous, but I’m used to it now. It’s almost annoying. “He’s coming over! Oh, my God! He’s the guy from Paco Rabanne! Oh, my God!” This one girl lowered her face mask and put red lipstick on. “I can’t believe it’s him!” Then she put the face mask over her lips. It was seeping through the mask by the time I got there. She looked like the Joker in Batman. Not a good look! I said, “I’m here for my massage.” She said, “Okay, what you want to do is you want to go to the men’s locker room, just down there on the right, and in there you’ll find a locker, um… There’s a robe in there, and some slippers. Pop those on, and then go straight on and your therapist will meet you. Enjoy.” So I went through, and sure enough I found a locker. There was a robe in there, some slippers, just what I was expecting. But there was something I wasn’t expecting at all. A tiny packet of disposable… massage underwear. No man should be wearing these, let me tell you. There was a string that went round one hip, a string that went round the other, and then barely any fabric at all in the middle here. But, as I say, I’d never seen these disposable massage pants before. I assumed it was a face mask for my face. So the side stringy bits I hooked onto my ears, like this. And I put my face where my balls were supposed to be housed. Put the robe on, and the slippers, and I start coming down the corridor with these pants on my face. I got into the massage room, the girl was like… The pants are on your face!” I took it off, she’s like, “It’s the man from Paco Rabanne!” Isn’t it lovely, ladies and gentlemen, isn’t it nice, just… just for this… just for this… while we’re doing this show, to not be on our phones? But it’s nice, isn’t it? Look at all of us. It’s such a rarity. Look at us all. No one… No one’s on their phone. You probably used your phones to book your tickets for tonight. It’s very easy. You go online, you go to the theater. You can pick your seats. It’s all very easy to do when you’re booking things online. But there’s a weird thing that’s going on when you’re booking tickets. It doesn’t always happen, and nobody knows what the hell it’s all about. You’re booking your tickets online, and it suddenly just goes, “Are you a robot?” Extraordinary question. No one’s ever suspected I’m anything other human. And you tick the box and you go, “No, I’m not a robot. This is really weird, can we carry on?” And they go, “No.” The computer goes, “No, we can’t carry on. We’re going to have to run some tests to confirm that you are human and not a robot.” And you think, “Well, this should be the easiest test I’ve ever taken. I’m gonna ace this test. All I have to do is prove my humanity! I’ve br– I’ve– I’ve fathered other humans. I’m definitely not a robot. Come on, anything you’ve got. This is such a waste of time. What are the questions?” “Okay, so, here are some boxes. Which one is a shopfront?” “Oh. Why is this so difficult? Where are these creepy middle-American shops, anyway?” Sometimes the shop is bleeding into more than one box. What are we supposed to do? Do we just tick the main box or all the boxes around it? What are the rules of this robot quiz? So you go, “That one, that one, and I’m just guessing that one.” And you press send. It goes, “No. You got that wrong. We still suspect you might be a robot. How are you with bridges?” “I don’t know. I thought I was good at shops!” Sometimes I get so many wrong in a row, I’m like, “Darling, am I a robot? You would tell me?” My kids, I realized the other day, they don’t even know of a time when there was no internet. Their whole life, they’ve had internet. They can’t fathom how– They ask the question, “How did you survive?” And I have no answer. “I don’t really remember. I don’t really remember.” But we can think back now to the dawn of the internet. Remember those first few years, when we always said “www.” Before every website? What a waste of time that was. Why did it take us three years to realize all the websites start with www? “You can get us at our website, www.amazon.com.” “It’s www.ebay.com.” “Www.tripadvisor.com.” Some of them must be so painful. The World Wrestling Federation. “You can catch us on our website, www.wwwf.com.” Every day having to say that shit. The World Wildlife Fund. “Of course, don’t forget to donate, at www.wwwf.com.” We must have wasted a fortnight of our lives just going, “wwwwww…” And think back, think back now, now that the internet is so much a part of our lives, think back… think back to our first password, because our minds, our brains are so filled with passwords. It’s such a struggle for us to remember all the passwords. We go to businesses online and you go, “I can’t remember. I can’t remember my password.” And you put it in. Sometimes they lock you out, and they go, “No, you’ve got one more try to remember your own password, you fucking idiot.” “Oh, God!” Or you click “I forgot it,” and they ask you questions about your life, and you don’t even remember the answers. They’re about your own life! “What is your favorite pet?” “Oh, no, I can’t believe I chose one.” The dog walks in, “If it isn’t me, I’m leaving. I’m literally walking out the door.” “Www.” Oh, the passwords. And at the beginning, we all had one password. It was our… It was our first password. We can nostalgically remember. And we used it for everything, every time we joined another business. “Can I have your password?” “Yes, you can, that is my special word.” And then… companies started getting quite rude. You would put your password in, and it would go, “Weak.” “Who are you to judge my special word?” They’re like, “Sorry, but the internet has become very popular, we need to strengthen your password.” And businesses would insist, “We must have from you a capital letter. I’m sorry, we will not be accepting passwords anymore unless it contains at least one capital letter. And we all momentarily considered our options before deciding to capitalize the first letter of our password. And for a period of time, that was fine. But the internet became even more popular, and then businesses started saying, “I’m afraid you cannot join unless you have at least one capital letter and at least one number.” Again, less than half a microsecond’s consideration before we collectively decided, “You shall be getting the number one… …and that will be at the end of my now capitalized password.” And, for a period of time, this was acceptable, until a whole new unexpected and exciting dawn emerged. A world of special characters. We didn’t even know what they were! And businesses would say, “We need a capital letter, we need a number, but we will also require a special character. And we clicked on the button, “Please, can I have some examples of these special characters which you now insist upon?” And we perused them. “There they are. I had no idea these characters were so special.” Until all of our eyes stopped upon… the exclamation mark. “You’re coming with me.” Which we then put at the end of our now capitalized password, just after the one. And it’s at this moment that everybody at the London Palladium is thinking, “I should probably change my password. I’m probably gonna do that tomorrow. Do that now. Need to think of another special word. Better get that changed.” But this is it, this is what’s happening, of course, in the 20, in the 20s, 2020s, in the 2020s. Technology will only improve. It’s supposed to make our lives easier. Sometimes, in my opinion, a little bit too easy. I just got a new car. Everything is automated. I don’t do a thing for myself in this car. It gets dark, the headlights come on on their own. It starts raining, the windscreen wipers come on on their own. But it means that you’re physically doing less in the car, and, let’s be honest, it all adds up. It all adds up if you get lazy and everything’s done for you. Like, there are young people here who use the expression, “Can you roll the window up? Can you roll the window down? Mum, roll the window up. Roll the window down.” But their whole lives, they’ve been pushing button like this. Pushing button. They know nothing… of the decades that we spent physically doing this shit. Not easy. Often it would get stuck. It was quite… Good for your bicep. Don’t need to go to the gym, just roll the window down. Sometimes when the window was all the way down, it would start raining. It would be amazing, a super-fast wind-up. The passenger one, leaning over and doing that. You could try them both at the same time if you were feeling confident. Don’t go to the gym. To move the seat in my new car, it’s all done by buttons. There’s a button next to the seat, you move it to go forward. You move it to go back. Errr. The back rest. Err, err, err-err. All pushing buttons. That’s all you’re doing with your fingers. Back in the day, of course, there’d be a lever between your legs. You’d lift it up and it would shoot you… …along rails into the backseat of the car. “Hello! I’m in the back now!” You could see the rails in front of you like a mini roller coaster in reverse. Then you’d have to shag your way… …to your favored driving position. Very good for your core. Often you would over-shag. You would over-shag all the way, whoa, to the steering wheel, then have to back-shag… …with sensitivity. Gentlemen of the ’70s were much better lovers. They’re always shagging up and down in the Cortina for practice, just to find their favored driving position. So I had a bit of a weird moment in the car the other day with, um… with my wife. Now, look… My relationship… and I don’t know if I speak for all men here, I feel like it’s a never-ending quest with my wife to find out what I’m supposed to be doing. I never quite know exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. So we’re driving in the car, and she’s in the passenger seat. Very odd, this was. I go past a parking space, I realize I’ve gone past it, and I go, “Oh, I need to reverse.” So I do a classic move, we’ve all seen this, I put my arm around her, sort of, you know, lean up like that. You know, just sort of… You know. And then reverse, quite fast. And then wind it into a space, nice. Felt pretty good, decent maneuver. Didn’t think much of it, didn’t make a thing. My wife looks at me and she goes, “Ooh. “I find that really sexy.” I had no idea what she was talking about. I’m looking outside the car, “What? What happened? Did something– What are you talking about?” She said, “I’ve always found that really sexy, when men do that.” “What men? What men are you talking about? Who are these sexy men? What are you talking about?” She said, “Just when you reverse like that, I’ve always found that really sexy and you don’t normally do that.” “Do what? What are you… What are you talking about?” “Just when you put your arm around me and then reverse really fast. Ooh, I’ve always found that really sexy.” I’m sorry, but I’ve been focusing mainly… in the bedroom for the last 20 years of our relationship to arouse you. It would have taken me a billion years before I attempted maneuvers in the car… …as part of foreplay. “What’s the plan for date night? Shall we just drive around in reverse and you tell me when you’re up for it?” I’m happy to do that now, seeing as we’re here. She said, “Michael, I can’t help what I find sexy.” I said, “Well, is there anything else really weird that you find sexy that I should know about?” She said, “Let me have a think.” I said, “Please do.” She said, “Oh, there is one thing that men do.” “Sorry, who are the men which you speak of?” “It’s just that you don’t do it, Michael.” “Do what?” She said, “You know when men take their sweater off, take their jumper off, and just reach behind their back, and then… just take it off in one go.” She said, “Oh. Ohh.” She starts moaning. “Ohh. I find that really sexy.” “I’m sorry, what are you talking about?” “They just reach behind their back, and then just take their jumper off.” “You don’t find my way sexy? When I get the sleeves and I… …slowly and expertly work my way up… And then you have to pull it off.” She said, “As a matter of fact, I do not… find that sexy.” So I thought, “Fine, I’m gonna put this to the test.” Banked it, yeah? Few weeks later, date night. Went out, good night, few drinks, nice meal. Came home, kids are asleep, happened to be in a sweater. Thought, “I’m gonna bloody go for it.” I didn’t realize it would be difficult. I didn’t realize I had to practice this move. Nor did I realize it was one of the tighter necklines in my wardrobe. So I just reached behind my back and I just went for it, I pulled as hard as I could, and my head got stuck in the ring. It was like I was being born very slowly. A definite forceps delivery. Also, and I was w– I was upset about this, my shirt came up with the jumper, so my tummy was just wobbling around in the open. And this was after dinner. “Don’t fill up on bread, Michael.” “But it’s hot, it’s warm.” “Are you gonna finish those potatoes? They’re so yummy, shame to go to waste.” “Shall we share a dessert?” “Fuck that, I’ll have my own.” “Petit fours? Don’t mind if I do!” And I was pulling it so hard to keep it sexy. It took a while, and I finally popped out the top. She wasn’t there, she’d fucked off. “Babe? I did the sexy jumper thing. You missed it! I thought we could drive around in reverse for a bit and then maybe go to bed?” So here, ladies and gentlemen… …is a bit of an overshare. Hashtag… “Too much information.” I said to her after all this stuff, I said, “Babe… Babe… Babe… I’m tired of this trial and error approach. Why don’t– We should just communicate. Why don’t you just tell me, after all these… Let’s just talk about it, just tell me, what really turns you on. She went, “What, really?” I was like, “Ooh.” “Whatever that is, I wanna know!” “What really turns you on?” She went, “For real?” “Yes.” “You really wanna know?” “Yes. “Seriously?” “Yes, just tell me.” “For real?” “Yes.” She went… “Black men.” “How exactly am I supposed to work that into our anniversary, darling?” Despite this, things are going well. Um… Still together. Kids are growing up. Um… Ozzy, my youngest, he’s, uh… he’s still a kid, really. I mean, my… Lucas is 14 now, Ozzy’s like 11. So he’s still a little boy. And he’s… he’s a very bright, amazing boy. He needs to get off, he needs to get of the Xbox. He has to get off the Xbox. Completely bloody addicted to playing his bloody Xbox. And I come in there all the time, “Come on, off. I said five minutes, it’s been 45 minutes. You were lucky to get away with that. Off.” He’s like, “I’m coming in a minute, Dad. I’ll be there in a…” Sorry. That’s not his voice, I don’t know who that was! He is far more middle class than that, let me tell you! “I’ll be there momentarily, Papa. Just give me a few more minutes and I’ll… I’ll be wrapping up shortly. Post-haste.” I don’t know who that first kid was! “‘Ello, mate, I’m your son. Does that come as a surprise?” “I’ve been meaning to ask you, Dad, how come I’m from the East End… …and you’re Chinese? I can’t get my head around this. What kind of a family am I living in? What kind of a family? And I’ve just seen Mom reversing down the road with a black geezer. What’s happening? I saw a sweater flung out the window. She looked happy. Happier than in a while, I gotta tell. Big grin on her face.” Don’t know who that is, sorry. So he’s always, “I’ll get off in a minute.” Always “in a minute.” I don’t think he knows what “in a minute” means. It’s one word, “inaminute”. “You’ll come off now, all right? Dinner’s on the table.” “I’m coming, I can’t… In a minute, it’s a really important game. He plays this shooting game, this Fortnite rubbish. “It’s a really important game, all right?” “Pause it, then.” “I can’t pause it, Dad. It won’t pause. You can’t pause it. I can’t…” “You can pause it! I’m putting my foot down! You need to pause it.” “I can’t pause it. I’d– I’d have to kill myself.” “Darling, it’s not that serious.” “No, I mean on the game. I’d have to kill myself on the game.” “Then kill yourself, I don’t care!” This is what happens now every night in my house. I call up the stairs, “Ozzy! Kill yourself, it’s dinner! Get your friend to shoot you! It’s Bolognese, getting cold.” Truth is, he doesn’t respect me. I have no control over him whatsoever. He runs rings around me. He only listens to his mother. He laughs in my face. Every time I raise my voice… The other day I was like, “Come on, it’s bedtime now. Have you brushed your teeth?” He was like, “Dad, Dad, there’s no need to shout. I’m standing right here. I can hear you. Calm down.” He said to me, “Are you tired or something? Are you tired?” “I suppose a little bit, I am a little bit tired.” The other day he said to me, “Is your blood sugar level low? Do you need a snack?” “Yeah, I suppose. I mean, I am a bit hungry.” He sent me to my room to lie down. The big news in our house is, uh… Well, we’ve got… we’ve got a dog. We’ve never had a dog before. There’s dog fans! Got a little fluffy… Got a little fluffy dog. Little fluffy, lovely little fluffy dog. Mr. McFluffintyre. He’s a very nice… fluffy, fluffy dog. He’s very loving. You know why he’s loving? Because that’s his nature. Different breeds of dogs have different natures. I went to– It was like buying a car. I went on this website, www. Something… www.whatkindofdog.com. Uh… It tells you about the different breeds, all the characteristics, and how much you need to walk them, and how much exercise they need, how much you feed them, whether they molt and all this stuff. And there was a category for love, how loving are they? How much do they love people? And it was all rated out of five stars, and I was only considering dogs that got five stars for love. Why would you bring an animal into your home if it doesn’t love you the fullest? And five-star love dogs, there’s, you know, golden retrievers, Labradors, and my dog, the little fluffy Norfolk terrier. He’s a five-star love dog. And you can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, it’s unbelievable. He’s like, “I love you so much.” I’m gonna give him a Norfolk accent. He’s a Norfolk terrier. I don’t know how he speaks, but I assume if he did, he would. “I love you so much. Thank you so much for being my master. Thank you so much for letting me live in your house. I love what you’ve done with the place, it’s magnificent. Absolutely beautiful. You could be an interior designer if you put your mind to it. I think you could do anything if you put your mind to it. When I look at you, I feel the same way as an Asian woman does when she looks at you. I’m absolutely obsessed with you. I think you’re amazing. I love the way, when you reach up high, your jacket squeezes up like boobs. I love it when I hear you getting up in the night and I listen for you peeing. ‘He’s up again!’ What a character! I love it when you come out the bath and you’ve got two red feet, one red arm and a couple of red balls. I just love it. I miss you when you’re away. I get worried about you getting bitten by sharks in Australia. I worry about you slipping on that big dick on the sex floor. I know you’re not a robot. You’re one of the most genuine people I’ve ever known in my entire life. I love you. I’m obsessed. You know when you go out the house? I… I know it’s irrational, but I worry that you might be dead. I get it in my head that he’s only gone and died, my master, the true love of my life’s gone and died on me. And then when you come home, I’m the happiest dog in the whole wide world ’cause I’m a five-star love dog!” That’s my dog. Five stars. Very loving. I went on the website to see dogs that don’t get five stars for love. One star, the chihuahua. Those little Mexican dogs with the googly eyes, they don’t like people. ‘Cause you run into different breeds of dogs, because you take the dog, dog owners know this, you take them to the park and they want to sniff around and stuff, they want to meet other dogs. And they see them. It’s amazing when they spot each other. And basically, what they want to do, well, what my dog wants to do, is have a little, very brief encounter with the other dog which involves smelling each other’s balls and then carrying on. It’s very odd. He goes up to a dog, “Excuse me, mate, is it all right if I smell your balls?” Then the other dog goes, “Yeah, whatever,” and then they… And then he’s, “Have a go on mine.” And then they go, “Thanks for that,” and then they just carry on. And they spot each other from miles away. And the other dog looks at him. And then, sometimes, dogs are mean. They don’t want to smell, ’cause he’s a little puppy. Some German shepherd will be coming along like this, “I’m the German shepherd. I’m the German shepherd.” My dog goes, “Is it alright if I have a quick sniff on the balls?” “Absolutely not, you silly little puppy. Look at the size of you. You couldn’t even get up to my magnificent balls if you tried! You think I’m going to stoop to your mini balls? Disgusting! Stay away from my balls!” Get a French poodle come along. “I’m the French poodle.” My dog comes. “Excuse me, I was wondering if I could get a… I just got quite badly treated by a German shepherd. I was wondering if I could get a quick sniff on your balls?” “Before Brexit, it would have been fine, but I’m not happy. I don’t think you made the right decision, no. You have not made the right decision. You know? Maybe before, but now I don’t like it. The way you vote is very rude to the French people. You’re not part of this anymore, you know? You want free movement of people? Well, you don’t get free movement of your nose to my balls, not anymore. Get away from the balls.” Afghan hound coming over. “Please, don’t touch my… In normal circumstances I would, but things very difficult in my country. I have to go home. Very many unrest in my region. I must go watch CNN. Please, balls are not available right now.” Once in a while you get lovely dogs, like a little Scottish terrier comes along. “Ooh, hello! Ah, fucking feast on those, pal! Get your face right in! Go on, I’m in no rush whatsoever! I’ll have a go on yours in a minute. Just enjoy! Get right the fuck in there, pal!” But chihuahuas? Oh, every time… Every time you see a chihuahua, the owner’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful! He’s a bit nippy.” And you can see it in his eyes. I’d be like, “Of course– of course he’s a bit nippy, he’s a one-star love dog. Do your research.” See him going, “I’m a one-star love dog, I don’t know why she bought me. I don’t like her. I don’t like other people. Why she not do her research on the internet? When she tries to come close to me, I try to bite her, ’cause I don’t like her face, I don’t like her children, her husband. You know when she goes out of the house, I hope she’s dead. I do, I pray for her death. And get me out of your handbag, you fucking witch!” One star. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out and sharing this super fun night with me! Thank you very much! Goodnight! Bravo! Yay! Nice people! Thank you! Thank you at the top! Thank you, lovely people! Thank you! Thank you all! Goodnight! Bravo! Woo-hoo! |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-what-now-2016-full-transcript/ | Kevin Hart: What Now (2016) – Transcript | kevin hart | In the film’s spy sub-plot, set before the events of the performance, Kevin is an agent for MI6 [Agent 0054] and attends a poker game event with his date Money Berry [Halle Berry], only for it to go horribly wrong.
In the performance portion, which takes up most of the film, was filmed live on August 30, 2015 in front of 53,000 people, at Philadelphia’s Lincoln Financial Field. [AUDIENCE CHEERING] [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] Philadelphia, make some fucking noise! [CHEERING INTENSIFIES] No. That’s not good enough for me. Goddamn it, we sold a football stadium out tonight. So I need to hear that! I need to hear that! So I’ma ask my city one more time… Philadelphia, make some fucking noise! [CHEERING LOUDLY] Yeah! Yeah! Yes! Goddamn it, we about to get loose. I can honestly say that the city of Philadelphia has my back. Is it safe to say that, Philly? It’s safe to say that. I think it’s only right that I show Philadelphia that love back. Can I see Philadelphia behind me? Can I do that, please? Can I see my city behind me? We about to have a good time tonight. We love you, Kevin! The name of this show is called What Now?, people. The reason why I decided to call it What Now?, is because that’s the question that I get the most. “Kevin, what the fuck are you gonna do now?” I love that question because I always have an answer for it. I’m alive. I’m still experiencing shit, which still means I have stuff to talk about. For example, people, I’m engaged. I’m about to get married again soon. Okay? [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Yes. I told my lady, I said, before we get married, we gotta move. I did tell her that. It’s not that I don’t like where we live. I just don’t like the area. It’s not the house, it’s the area. See, I don’t wanna be in Hollywood, staring at all the Hollywood shit. So I moved out to the suburbs. Fucked around, moved around a bunch of wildlife. I don’t like the animals around my house. This is real shit right now. Right now, I have a raccoon problem, people. Not raccoons. A raccoon. One raccoon. This raccoon’s a bitch. I can’t stand this raccoon. I got glass doors in the back of my house, right? I’m sitting in the living room, I can see into my backyard through the glass doors. Outta nowhere, a raccoon walks up to the glass doors. But not like a raccoon should, not on all fours. Raccoon’s on two feet. Motherfucker walked up to the doors like this, swear to God. This is real shit. Scared the shit outta me. It looked like a N i g g a was walking in my backyard. That’s what it looked like. I saw him, I said, “Oh, shit! “Look at that goddamn raccoon right there!” He saw me, I see him, we’re looking at each other. This is what scared the shit outta me. To get a better look in my house, he put his hand on the glass, and started looking in the window. I see him, he see me. He starts fucking with the locks. [GRUNTING] When he couldn’t get in, he got mad. He fake shot at me twice. Bang, bang! Then he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. This is a true story. You gotta understand, people, I don’t like raccoons. I can’t stand raccoons because I don’t like the way they look. They look like criminals. They got a black mask, gloves. Everything about a raccoon says crime. My lady gets home, I said, “Babe, we gotta get the fuck out this house. “A raccoon came up to the glass doors, “put his hand on the glass, saw me, shot at me twice. “Bang, bang! “Then he grabs his dick, disappeared into the dark.” My lady goes, “What do you get out of lying so much? “Like what does that do for you?” I said, “Who the fuck is lying? “Who makes up a lie about a raccoon come up to the window, “going bang, bang, grabbing his dick, disappearing into the dark? “Like, whose life is that bad that they gotta sit at home all day, “and make some shit like that up?” She said, “Obviously you, because you’re lying, Kevin. “You know how I know you lying? “‘Cause a raccoon can’t go, ‘Bang, bang.’ “You know why? ‘Cause a raccoon don’t have no thumbs. “So how can a raccoon go, ‘Bang, bang’?” “Bitch, maybe he did this. Maybe he just did this right here. “What difference does it make? “The point is that he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. “We got a dick-grabbing raccoon on the loose, “you worried about his fucking thumbs. “You need to get your priorities straight, that’s what needs to happen.” I got a lot of animals out there, people. Coyotes, mountain lions, rattlesnakes. It’s at the point now where I don’t like taking out trash. I’m being honest with you. The reason I don’t like taking out trash at my house is ’cause to take out the trash, I gotta walk outside, I gotta walk down my driveway. Trash cans are at the end of my driveway. My driveway is long as shit, people. Okay? It also gets real dark in my driveway. Reason why it gets so dark in my driveway at nighttime is because I turned down the option to get lights going down the side of my driveway. Reason why I turned down the option is because I thought the contractors were trying to take advantage of me because they knew that I had money. I don’t trust people that do this when they talk. Like that’s how you talk to me, like, “Hey, man, you gotta get some lights. It gets real dark out here. “You gotta get some lights.” I don’t need no fucking lights. It’s a driveway. You drive in, you drive out. What the fuck I need lights for? I was wrong, people. I need lights. Can’t see shit in this goddamn driveway. You gotta understand, I don’t like being in the dark, hearing animal noises, especially when I can’t see the animal. It fucks with me. When you’re by yourself and you get scared, you do stupid shit. When you hear this… [CHITTERING] [HISSING] You do stupid shit when you get scared. [SCREAMS] “You bite me, I’ll bite you back, bitch!” You start doing shit you saw in the movies. “What are you waiting for?” It got to the point where I start grabbing the trash, running down the driveway, throwing the trash in the trash can, running back to the house. One day I locked myself out of the house. Scariest 17 seconds of my life, people. “Open up the door!” [SCREAMS] [CRYING] What is this when you get scared? [CRYING] Whenever you’re afraid, the first person you see is fully responsible for whatever you were afraid of. “Bitch, where the fuck was you at all that time I was outside? “Some shit licked my neck, I’m out here calling you. “You in here cooking, that’s your problem.” It got to the point where I told my lady, I said, “Yo, I’m not taking out trash anymore. I’m not gonna do it.” She said, “Well, I’m not gonna do it.” I said, “You don’t have to.” “It’s not a woman’s job, it’s a man’s job. “I’ma make my son do it. “He’s seven years old. “It’s time for him to start pulling his weight around here. “He don’t do shit.” That’s the beautiful thing about being a dad. You can do what you want when you want, can’t nobody say shit about it. I woke my son up at 2:00 in the morning with a complete bullshit story. I kicked his bed. “Get your ass up! Get up! “Didn’t I tell you to get that goddamn trash out last night?” First of all, that was a lie. I never said that. Never said anything like that. He woke up, he was confused. “What? What? No. “You never said that. What?” “You calling me a liar? You telling me I’m lying? “Get your ass up. Get that goddamn trash out.” Private schools are fucking my kids up. My son, he said, “All right, all right. All right.” He goes, “Let me get my flops.” What? “Your flops? “Boy, if you don’t get your black/white ass down these goddamn steps, “get this fucking trash, I’ma knock your head loose in here.” My son goes downstairs, he grabs the trash. He’s about to walk outside, he sees it’s real dark. He goes, “Dad, it’s real dark outside. Can you come with me?” “No. No, I cannot. “No. “It’s not my journey, son. This is your journey. “It’s about you becoming a man. “You gotta do this by yourself.” My son grabs the trash, he’s literally walking outside. He goes down the driveway. I could tell when he got scared, ’cause he stopped. He started doing this shit right here. He started looking around. When he looked at me, I said, “See, that’s why I don’t like doing that shit. “Go, you’re all right. Finish. Finish.” He put the trash in the trash can, starts walking back. Outta nowhere, my son takes off running. I mean, running, haul assing towards the house. Running as fast as he can. I got scared because I couldn’t see what he was running from. I couldn’t see it. So I closed the door. I closed the door. No, I did. I know it was wrong, but I did it. I don’t wanna lie. I shut the door. I told myself, depending on what it was, was gonna determine if I open up the door or not when he got back. If it was something crazy, I was just gonna put my hand on the glass. I was gonna say, “Son, touch the glass one last time. “I hate that it had to be this way.” My biggest fear in life is seeing somebody that I love get attacked by an animal that I can’t beat. That’s a fear. What do you do? What do you do? You look happy. Are you in love, man? What do you do if you see your lady running down the driveway as fast as she can? Outta nowhere, the Tasmanian Devil jump out, grab her face from the back? You wanna know the answer to that question? Not a goddamn thing, that’s what the fuck you do. That’s the Tasmanian Devil. You ain’t never seen no shit like that. If you look outside and all you hear is… [SNARLING] You’re not fucking going out there. [SNARLING] All you gonna do is react. [SCREAMING] Oh! Oh! Oh! “Get the fuck off of her! “She had enough!” My lady got mad at me when I said that. She got pissed off. She got pissed off. She said, “So if I got attacked by an animal, “you wouldn’t come out there and help me?” I said, “It depends on the animal. “If it’s a cat, I’ll come out there and kick the cat. “I’ll kick the shit out of a cat. “But if it’s a mountain lion, fuck no. I’m not going out there. “Ain’t no way in hell.” She says, “So you would just let me die?” “If that was God’s plan. I’m not gonna… “I’m not gonna fuck with God’s plan. “Who am I to rewrite what God wrote? “That’s what God wrote next to your name. “It said ‘death by mountain lion attack.’ “Who the fuck am I to rewrite that?” I’m being honest with you all. You know the real reason why I wouldn’t help my lady if she got attacked by a mountain lion? I don’t know if I wanna be with a woman that survived a mountain lion attack. I don’t… I don’t know if I’ma feel the same way about you when you come out of that attack. Like, what if he got you good? What if he bit your neck up? Or if he bit your shoulder off? You ain’t got no shoulder no more? That’s tough. That’s tough. I can’t be with no girl that don’t have no shoulder. I can’t. I’m sorry. You can call me an asshole all you want. I can’t be with a girl that can’t do this. Mmm! If you can’t do that… If you can’t shoulder shrug, bitch, I can’t be with you. You can’t shoulder shrug, bitch? Mmm! You know how many times you shoulder shrug in a day? You know how many times you shoulder shrug? Look, you did it a little bit just now. Little bit. Look at you. Little bit. Ladies, let me tell you something. You don’t know how important your shoulders are until you lose one of them. Life will change without both shoulders, I promise you that. I tell you what, you could kiss halter tops good-bye. That’s over. Every shirt you put on gonna look like a goddamn toga outfit. All that shit coming across the chest. I don’t wanna be with a toga bitch. I don’t want her. The girl that look like she won a pageant every day. [LAUGHING] You won every day? Oh! Here come Michelle. Here come Miss America. I don’t wanna be with her. I tell you what, if you got one shoulder and we get pulled over by the cops, we’re going to jail. We’re going to jail. ‘Cause everything you do is gonna come off as sarcasm. “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” “No.” “Get the fuck out of the car. Right now! Get out the car! “You wanna be a smartass? You’re going to jail.” “I’m not! I’m not! This is how it is. I’m stuck with this. “Don’t do this, please.” Cop have a tough time grabbing you out the car. “Get your ass out the goddamn…” You can’t be cold with one shoulder. You can’t shiver with one shoulder. Ain’t nobody gonna believe you. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” “It’s freezing in here.” “No, bitch, you twitching. That’s drugs. I know drugs when I see it.” “Get your high ass out of my goddamn house. “You’re high!” If you only got one shoulder, the only game you’ll be good at is a game of tag. Can’t nobody tag you. You out there dipping everything. [GRUNTS] “Shit!” [GRUNTING] “I can’t tag this bitch, man! “She out here dipping everything.” “You gotta go for the shoulder side.” Ladies, I can feel you judging me. Stop judging me. I feel it. “Kevin, you wrong. You wrong. “That woman loved you. “She was with you from the beginning. She held you down.” Let me tell you something, ladies. You can’t hold nobody down without two shoulders. It’s a scientific fact. You need two shoulders. I’ll start it with you guys. I’ll ask you a question. Sweetie, do you think you’re the type of woman that could stay with your man regardless of any freak accident? Yeah? You know why I love asking women that question? Because your answers are never realistic. See, women answer questions with emotion. Emotion made you say yes. “Yes! Yes, I love him! Yes!” That’s emotion. You don’t even know the fucking scenario. You don’t even know what happened. So I’ma give you a scenario. Let’s say you and your man taking a walk. Beautiful day outside. You look at your man, you say, “Babe, I love you more today than I did yesterday.” Out of nowhere, an orangutan hops the fence, attacks your man. The orangutan takes his kneecaps. He can never do this again in life. He is straight-legged for the rest of his life. You can deal with this right here? This ain’t gonna fuck with you every day? Every goddamn day, this ain’t gonna fuck with you? Looking at this? Butt-ass naked, going to the bathroom like this. This ain’t gonna fuck with you? You a goddamn liar. One of those days, you’re gonna fucking snap. “If you don’t go sit your straight-legged ass down… “Walking all straight all over the fucking house! “Sit your no-knee-bending ass down!” You’re gonna get mad ’cause you still wanna do knee-bending shit. “Hey, babe! Babe! We still going bowling on Tuesday?” All your friends hate when you bring him ’cause he takes too long to bowl. They get mad. “I can’t stand when she brings his ass! “He can never relax. He’s so uptight!” You get mad. “I can’t relax ’cause I ain’t got no knees! “I got attacked by an orangutan!” Your black girlfriend’ll be there. She’ll never believe shit. “An orangutan? Really?” That’s my “black girl don’t believe shit” face. “Orangutan? “Really?” Why is that? Why don’t black women believe shit? What happened? What happened? You can’t convince a black woman of shit. “Hey, babe. Babe, don’t walk over there. “It’s real slippery right there.” “Slippery? “Really?” She walk over there anyway, trips, falls, hits her head. “Oh, my God, it’s slippery over here. “They need to put a sign up.” “Bitch, I just told you, it was fucking slippery over there.” “Did you tell me? “Really?” [AUDIENCE ECHOING] Could you still have sex with the guy that can’t bend his knees? If he was aggressive about it? That’s an honest question. Could you have sex with a guy that can’t bend his knees? “Hey! Hey! “Get over here and get some of this lock-knee dick.” “Don’t run! Don’t run! Don’t run!” [LAUGHS] It look like he be skiing on your ass, that’s what it look like. When he cums, it looks like he jumped a big-ass ski ramp. Oh! Look at all the black women. “Ski ramp? “Really?” [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Oh! Stop it. Cut it out. Stop trying to make me feel tall. This is how I think, people. I’m a drastic thinker. I’m not worse than my lady, though. My lady is the queen of hypothetical thoughts. You know what I feel like? I feel like all women suffer from this disease. Women love to ask men questions about shit that would never happen. You love it. “Babe, babe, what would you do if… “Babe, babe, hypothetically speaking, but not really, but if it did, “what could might be, huh?” You love it. True story right now. Me and my lady, we’re on a boat. Right? We’re on a boat. We hit a wave. She go, “Oh, my God, babe, what if we would’ve hit that wave, “and I would’ve fell out the boat in the middle of the ocean, “and then a shark would’ve started swimming around me? “What would you do?” “I’ma get the camera and start taping. “Some shit about to go down. I don’t know.” “Stop being an asshole and answer the question!” “What do you mean, answer the question? “It’s a shark.” Like, I don’t know who she wants me to be in her head. Like, what N i g g a is that tough that he sees a shark and goes, “I’m sick of this shark shit!” And jumps in the water to fight the shark? I’m not that guy. I don’t have that muscle. She said, “Well, what if the shark attacked me, “but I got away, and I swam back to the boat?” I said, “That would never happen. What kind of attack was this?” She said, “What do you mean?” “What do you mean, what do I mean?” “What kind of attack was this? What did the shark get?” She said, “The shark bit off one leg, one arm.” “The shark bit off one leg and one arm, and you swam back to the boat? “That’s what you’re telling me? “Was it on the same side? “‘Cause on the same side, you’re just gonna go in a circle. “This is all you’re gonna do right here, is one big-ass circle. “You ain’t going no-fucking-where.” “Stop being an asshole, Kevin, and answer the question.” “I can’t answer the question if you don’t make the question make sense.” She said, “Fine. Alternate the sides. “He bit one leg on this side, one arm on this side.” I said, “So, what, you wanna know “what I would say when you got back to the boat?” She said, “Yeah. What would you say?” “Well, who else is on the boat?” She said, “It’s just us. It’s nobody else on the boat. Just us.” “Okay, let me get this straight. “You get attacked by the shark, “shark bites off one leg, one arm, “you swim back to the boat, “you climb up on the boat, “you’re standing in front of me on one leg, “it’s nobody else on the boat, nobody else. “If it’s nobody else on the boat, “I’ma push you back in. I’ma push you back in. “Shark gotta finish that. He gotta finish that. I’m not going home with that. “I didn’t leave with that. Why do I have to go home with that? “That’s not what I left with. “The shark gotta clean that plate. Clean that plate, Mr. Shark.” That’s what my mom tell me, “Finish your food. “You better finish that fucking food.” Y’all can think I’m an asshole all you want. This is how I think, man. I told you, I’m a drastic thinker. This is why I told my family we need to move. I’m not the father for the environment that we live in. I’m not. Good thing about my family is we table everything. Everything is up for discussion. I told my son, I said, “Look. I told you I wanna move. “Tell me why you wanna stay.” My son told me flat-out, “Dad, I don’t wanna move because I don’t wanna leave my room.” I get it. I went all out for my son’s room. My son used to be into Spider-Man, now he’s into Batman. So I went out, I got his whole room painted as Gotham City. I put the bat symbol on the wall. His bed is the Batmobile. Batman is on the actual ceiling. When my son first saw the room, he went off. [GROWLS] “Dad!” [GROWLS] [CHUCKLES] He was like, “I love it!” [GROWLS] I told you all, private schools are fucking my kids up. They are. My son has a lot of white friends. They got real long hair. So my son gets excited, he does this shit. Listen, listen to me. It makes me so mad. Do you understand me? This shit makes me so fucking mad. The reason why is because his hair looks just like mine. It’s just like mine. So I’m like, “What are you doing?” He was like, “I couldn’t see you.” “Bitch, you see me. Don’t… “Don’t do that. “You see me. I’m right here. “Don’t act like you can’t see me.” He was like, “I just wanna play.” “Fine, go. Go play.” My son goes in his room, he plays all day. All day. It’s time for bed. I say, “Go in there, brush your teeth, wash your face, get into bed. “I’ma kiss you good night.” My son gets into bed, I kiss my son good night, I cut out the lights, I walk out. When I walk out, I hear a bunch of screaming. “No! “Don’t do it, Batman, please!” What the fuck? I go running back in the room. I run back in the room, this woman made Batman glow in the dark. So Batman… Batman… [CHUCKLES] Batman looked like he was about to rape my son. He was just staring at my son. Hey, I’m not gonna lie, I got scared. I said, “Get the fuck out of the bed! “Get out the bed before he swoop down on your ass “and I can’t do nothing about it!” I can’t beat Batman. My daughter said, “Dad, I don’t wanna move because I love the space.” My daughter’s favorite game to play at the house, she loves to hide from people, wait for you to walk by, jump out and scare you. [SCREAMS] This girl’s patience is unbelievable. I’ve never seen anything like it. Like, I’ve seen my daughter go hide, but then I forgot that she went to go hide. So, like, five, six hours go by. I finally walk by, she jumps out, but she’s too weak to scare me. [SCREAMS SOFTLY] “What took you so long, Daddy? “I haven’t eaten anything all day. “I’m so hungry. “My lips are dry, they’re bleeding. “I need some water right now, I swear to God.” My kids are characters, but my kids are my best friends. Honestly, they’re my best friends. I love the fact that me and my kids talk. We communicate. Now, I’m not gonna lie. I’m not gonna act like it’s all perfect, because it’s not. We butt heads. I recently got mad at my kids because I feel like my kids don’t put a lot of thought into the gifts that they give me. This shit pisses me off. I’m serious, they’re making me mad. I go all out for my kids. So I feel like when it’s time to do something for me, put the same time, energy and effort into it that I do when I do shit for you. This is what made me mad. For my birthday, my son gave me a handprint. This boy dipped his hand in paint, put it on a piece of paper, said, “Happy birthday, Dad. Love, Hendrix.” Came home excited. “Dad, I got you something for your birthday. “You’re gonna love it. Close your eyes.” I close my eyes. I’m emotional, I start crying. “Boy, don’t do this to me. “Don’t do this. “Not today. “Don’t do it today. What is it?” He said, “Open your eyes. “Happy birthday, Dad. I did this because I love you.” I looked at it, I said, “I’m gonna be honest with you, son. “I don’t really feel like you do. “I don’t think this is a good representation of your level of love for me. “This is a shitty gift. “It’s a fucked-up gift.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my daughter pushing a macaroni plate back down into her book bag. I saw her. I said, “What the fuck is that?” She looked me in the eye. “Mmm, trying to figure it out. I don’t know yet. “I don’t know what I want it to be.” Now, I’m not gonna lie to y’all and say I didn’t hold a grudge, because I did. I held a grudge. I held a grudge all the way up until my son’s birthday. My son’s birthday came, he woke up, he was hyped. “Dad! You know what today is?” “I sure do, son, it’s your birthday. “We gonna turn up like we always do.” My son goes to school, gets home. When he gets home, I got a bunch of presents wrapped up in boxes laid all out on the bed. He opens ’em up. I had 57 handprints in all the boxes. He saw it, he starts crying. He was like, “What is this?” I said, “Those are high fives. “I got you high fives.” He said, “But I didn’t ask for these.” I said, “Neither did I.” You selfish son of a bitch. You better be lucky I didn’t take a picture of my ass and put it in that box, tell you to kiss my fucking ass, that’s what I should’ve did. “I should’ve let Batman rape you.” I said that. Swear to God, I said that. I know it’s wrong, but I said it. When I really wanna piss my kids off, I let my dad spend time with them. That’s how I really get to them. Here’s the thing. My kids love their grandpop, they really do. They just don’t like to be with him for too long ’cause my dad is too loud. It’s like the older you get, the louder you get. This isn’t even a joke. This is how my dad walks in my house. This is his entrance. “Where the babies at? “Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!” That’s his entrance. It’s at the point now where I can’t even let my dad watch my kids by himself. I gotta watch my dad while he watches my kids. ‘Cause he does too many stupid things. I caught my dad giving my kids raw candy out of his pocket. Candy with no wrapper. It was loose. It was just in his pocket. He said, “Huh, huh, y’all want one of these?” “What the fuck is that? What are they?” He said, “Peppermints.” “Ain’t no goddamn peppermint. “Where the lines at on that peppermint?” He said, “My jeans must have rubbed it off.” “N i g g a! “You’re not about to give my kids no jean-dyed peppermint!” “Fine, more for me.” Takes the peppermint out of his pocket, puts it in his mouth. Five minutes go by, I saw my dad take that peppermint out of his mouth, put it back in his pocket. Those were half-sucked on peppermints! He’s not gonna give my kids no goddamn suck-and-saves. That’s a suck-and-save! That’s an old people trick. Old people love to suck on candy and save it. “I’ma save this till after church.” “Nana, eat that fucking candy! “Little piece of candy left, Grandma. “Eat that fucking candy!” [AUDIENCE CHEERING] My dad is a character. The shit that I’m telling you, you can’t make up. I bought my dad an iPhone 6 for his birthday. I’ve never seen my dad use the phone. Never. He comes downstairs one day, he goes, “Hey! “I wanna take the kids to go get some pizza.” I said, “First of all, you’re not going anywhere “with my kids by yourself. “We can go as a group.” I said, “Where you wanna go?” This is true shit. You cannot make this up. My dad takes his phone out of his back pocket, this is what I hear, “Cyrus, where is the closest pizza spot?” “What did you just say?” [SHUSHING] “Cyrus, where you at? “Talk to me. “Looking for a pizza spot. Wake up. “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.” He starts shaking the phone. “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.” My dad thinks there’s a N i g g a living in the phone! “It’s ‘Siri’, you dumb bitch! “‘Siri’! “Not goddamn Cyrus.” He’s a character. I love him, though. Hates the fact that I don’t whup my kids. Hates it. My dad is old school, old generation. Old generation believes in whupping the kid’s ass. That’s all they believe in. It’s not that I don’t. It’s not that I don’t. I don’t want y’all to think that I don’t. I just don’t feel like I need to whup my kid’s ass. My voice is enough. “Shut the fuck up!” That’s enough. Private school kids, they get scared fast. [SCREAMING] “Dad’s going crazy again! “Let’s go to our secret spot!” Private school kids. I’m not gonna lie to y’all. It does piss me off that my kids don’t have any edge. I want my kids to have edge. But they’re not. I’m not a thug, I’m not a killer, people. But I got some edge to me. You need edge to survive in life. My kids aren’t gonna have that edge. The reason why is because they’re growing up different than I grew up. My son definitely doesn’t have it. I gave up. I don’t even give a shit. It is what it is. Swear to God, it is what it is. I’ma tell you the day that I gave up. The day that I gave up, I got some of my friends over to my house that I grew up with. We’re in the kitchen, we’re having a thug-like conversation about our pasts. “Yo, Kev. “You remember when Ronald got shot “in the back of the head?” “God damn, I do. “I really do. “Died on the spot.” “What about Terry? “You remember Terry got shot in the back?” “Fuck! I remember that.” I hear my son coming down the steps. I hear his flip-flops popping. [CLICKING TONGUE] They’re popping fast. [CONTINUES CLICKING] So that means he’s walking with a purpose. Something’s wrong. He gets downstairs, he got an attitude. “Dad! “Wi-Fi’s down!” What the fuck? What? “Well, you want me to reboot it? “‘Cause nobody else seems to care.” “Go! Go, reboot it, man. Go.” “I’m thirsty, could I have a Capri Sun?” “Son, get the fuck out of my face. “Just go. Go! “Them tight-ass pajamas. “Take your ass upstairs. Go. “And put on some loose pajamas!” Now, I don’t know what made me more upset. That, or my friend going, “Who the fuck is Wi-Fi?” I said, “What did you just say?” “I’m saying, he said that they’re gonna reboot it. “If they’re strapped, we’re strapped. “I’ma die for mines.” “What the fuck are you talking about, man? “It’s the Internet, jackass! “It’s the Internet!” “Well, you need to say something, “’cause we almost lost a life today.” “Whose life? “You was gonna kill my son?” “Depending on what side he was on.” What? My dad called me over the holidays. “Hey! “I miss you. “I miss you, I miss them babies. “I wanna come see y’all.” I said, “Dad, all you gotta do is tell me when, I’ll put you on a plane.” He said, “Well, I wanna bring Connie with me.” “Dad, you wanna bring Connie, you can bring Connie.” “Well, before I bring her, I need to know “if your house is wheelchair accessible.” “Well, Dad, nobody in my house is in a wheelchair, “so I never felt the need “to wheelchair-accessorize my home.” “Well, you need to get it right. “Connie’s in a wheelchair now.” “What the fuck happened to Connie? “Why is Connie in a wheelchair?” “It’s a long story. “She got hit by a car.” “Okay, first of all, you just told the story. “It wasn’t that long at all. “Second of all, how’d she get hit by a car? “What happened?” “Look, boy, I ain’t got time to talk to you about that. “I was driving, she was in the street, it was raining. “Legally, I can’t talk about it “’cause the case is still open.” “The case? “You got a case?” “Look, boy, just get some wheelchair shit for the house.” “Fine.” I don’t know what wheelchair shit is, people. I have no idea what wheelchair shit is. True story. I went out, I bought a handicapped sign, I put it in the driveway. True story, swear to God. ‘Cause that way, when they pull up, I look like I support. Like, hey. Hey. Look who’s welcome here. Like, hey. They get there, my dad takes the wheelchair out of the car, puts Connie in the wheelchair. He rolls Connie in the house. Connie gets in the house, she goes off. “Oh, my God! “I love it! I love it! “I wanna see the whole house!” She says, “Spoon, push me all over so I can see everything.” My dad snapped. “No! “No! “Sick of this pushing shit!” That’s what he said. “I’ve been pushing your ass all over the place all goddamn day. “Wherever I sit you is where you’re gonna have to stay “until I feel like moving you again.” I said, “What? “Why can’t she just roll around the house by herself?” He said, “‘Cause when I sit her down, “I’ma lock the back brakes so she can’t move.” “For what?” “Because I love her! “And I don’t want her rolling out of my life, that’s why.” “Okay, all right, stop. “Everybody, stop. Stop.” I said, “Look, y’all just landed, man. “Everybody’s a little bit on edge. “This is what we’re gonna do. “We’re gonna have a family night. “I’ma order some food, we’re gonna watch a movie. “That’s what we’re gonna do.” I order some food, I say, “Connie, go in the other room. “Go pick out a movie you wanna watch.” Connie goes in the room, she picks out a movie. She comes back. The movie she picked out was called The Conjuring. For those people here tonight who do not know what The Conjuring is, The Conjuring is a scary-ass movie that came out a long time ago. I said, “Connie, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to watch that “because of everything that’s been going on around the house.” My dad says, “Stop being a bitch.” I said, “No, Dad, I’m serious. “A raccoon shot at me twice, grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. “I don’t have lights in my driveway.” He said, “Stop being a bitch! “Connie wants to watch the movie, “we’re gonna watch the movie.” Fine. We watch The Conjuring. After the movie’s over, it did exactly what I thought it would do, scared the shit out of me. My dad and Connie, they wanna go upstairs and they wanna go to sleep. Me and my dad pick Connie in the wheelchair up, carry her upstairs, Connie and my dad get into bed, they go to sleep. Me and my lady get into bed, my lady goes to sleep. I’m up. I can’t go to sleep, ’cause I got The Conjuring on my mind. I hear this in the hallway. [THUDDING] [SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING] [THUNDER RUMBLING] Every man in this room tonight has done this at least once. [RUMBLING CONTINUES] “Hey, babe, are you up? “I just heard some shit in the hallway.” “No, I’m asleep. “Just go see what it is.” “Go put some shoes on so you can go see what it is with me, “so we can both go see what it is.” “Stop, Kevin, I’m asleep. “Just go see what it is.” I hear it again. [THUDDING] [THUNDER RUMBLING] You ever get so scared that you don’t know where to put your hands at? “All right! “Don’t make me come out there! “‘Cause if I get out there, I’ma be there!” I don’t even know what that means. I was scared. It was the first thing that came to my mind. She said, “Stop yelling at my ear, just go see what it is.” “Well, you’re up. It don’t look like you’re asleep, “so you should come with me. “Fine, fine. I’ll go by myself.” I sleep naked, so I had to get up, I had to put a robe on. I grabbed my robe, I start scared-walking towards the hallway. Scared-walking is when you’re walking, but you’re leaning backwards just in case… Just in case some shit goes down, you can get the fuck up out of there real quick. It’s quick. I’m scared-walking. Scared-walking. I get to the hallway. As soon as I get to the hallway, I cut the lights on. [SCREAMS] I don’t what it is, people act like lights can stop a murder. Like… Like a murderer will see lights and be like, “Man, I was about to stab you in the neck, “but you got these fucking lights on, I ain’t gonna do it now.” They don’t give a shit about lights. I start scared-walking down this way. Scared-walking. I’m scared-walking. Scared-walking. Out of nowhere, my daughter jumps from behind the wall. [SCREAMING] Listen to me. Scared the living shit out of me. All I can tell y’all is that she learned from her past mistakes. She had a canteen on this hip, she had a fanny pack on this hip with snacks and shit. I don’t know how long she was there, but it had to be for a long time. I was so scared, I turned around, I jumped down my flight of steps. I got 15 steps in my house. I just jumped. When I jumped, the air got the best of my robe, it blew my robe up. My dick, my ass, everything is out. Somehow my car keys fall in my hand. Don’t know how. I don’t really care. I land, I run out the front door, get in my car, start the car up, I start laughing. I start dying laughing. The reason why I was laughing is because I realized that I don’t give a fuck about my family. I was like, “I don’t care. “I don’t care! “I don’t care!” I didn’t go wake my son up. I didn’t go check on my lady. To be 100% honest with you all, I don’t even know if that was my daughter or not. In my mind, that was the little bitch from The Conjuring that was clapping at everybody goddamn near her. I turn around and back out the driveway, my dad is sitting in the backseat of the car. I said, “What the fuck is going on here?” My dad goes… [THUNDER RUMBLING] “Did you hear that shit?” I said, “What?” “Did you hear that shit? “We gotta get the fuck outta here!” I said, “What about Connie?” He said, “What about her? “I can’t carry that goddamn chair downstairs by myself! “I locked the back brakes. “The back brakes are jammed. “I can’t get the back brakes unjammed. “We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!” I said, “If you was that scared, “then why didn’t you leave already?” He said, “‘Cause a raccoon kept coming to the car “going ‘bang, bang,’ and then he grabbed his dick, “disappeared into the dark. “We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!” He pulled out his iPhone and he said, “Cyrus, wake your ass up! “Get my ass up outta here right now! “We ain’t got time for you to be fucking asleep, Cyrus.” “It’s Siri, you dumb bitch. Siri.” The toughest part about that night was the next morning when I got back home. Oh! Oh, no, we left! I’m sorry, I forgot. Yeah, we left. Me and my dad made an executive decision to save ourselves. We got the fuck up outta there. The reason why the next morning was so tough ’cause as soon as I walked in the house, my lady was in the kitchen. She was like, “Where did you go last night?” And I told her, I was like, “I left.” She said, “What do you mean, you left?” I was like, “I left. I saved myself. “The only reason why I came back “is because I didn’t see anything on the news “so I knew you were still alive.” I told the truth. I did. The reason why I told the truth is because I told myself that I’m not gonna lie anymore. The only way I’ll lie is if the truth doesn’t sound believable. Ladies, please, please try to understand that. That doesn’t mean I was out cheating or fucking. It means that whatever I was doing just doesn’t sound right when I say it out loud. That’s it. That’s all it means. Everybody that follows me knows that all my comedy comes from a real place. First and foremost, understand that I’m older now. I’m 36. My friends are older than me. 42, 46, 47, 48. We go out, we do older guy shit. Me and my friends go to a lounge, this is a true story. When we get to the lounge, for some reason, we’re watching ping-pong on TV. We are locked in to this ping-pong match. Outta nowhere, my friend Joey goes, “You’d better be lucky we don’t have a ping-pong table. “If we did, I would bust all y’all’s ass.” I said, “Bet money, bitch.” That’s me and my friends’ biggest problem. We’re competitive. The word “bet” sets off that competitive nature. I said, “Bet money, bitch.” Harry said, “Bet.” Wayne, “Bet.” Spank, “Bet.” Joey, “Bet.” “Bitch, bet.” “Bet.” “Bet.” “Motherfucker, bet.” “Bet.” “N i g g a, bet.” “Bet.” “Bet it, bitch.” “Bet.” “Bet.” “Fuck you, bet.” “Bet.” We get in the car, we drive to Walmart. We drive to Walmart, we buy a ping-pong table. We go back to Joey’s house, we set the ping-pong table up in the kitchen. We get to playing ping-pong. Our game looks nothing like the game that we were watching on TV. So we decide to add alcohol into the mix. Hit the ball into the net, gotta take a shot. You get slammed on, gotta take two shots. You get slammed on and you miss the ball completely, gotta take three shots. Somewhere along the line, the game got so competitive that Joey decided to cut his jeans into jean shorts ’cause he said he wasn’t getting enough lateral movement in the house. Here’s the fucked-up part about that. It was Joey’s house. All Joey had to do is go upstairs and change into a pair of goddamn jean shorts. Here’s the second fucked-up part about that. Joey went upstairs to get the scissors to come back downstairs and cut his jeans into jean shorts. Somewhere along the line, I get slammed on. I go to return the ball, I miss the ball, run into the wall, fall down, black out. I wake up, it’s 10:00 am. Holy shit. It’s 10:00 am! I wake up, I look at my phone, I got 37 missed calls, 47 text messages. Fellas, I’ma tell you something. The worst thing that you can do in life is not respond to your lady’s text messages. Do you hear me? That’s the worst thing that you could do. The reason why I say that is because your woman will then proceed to having a conversation with herself through the messages that she’s sending you. Listen to me. This is what that conversation looks like. [CELL PHONE CHIMES] [SINGSONG] “So this is what we doing now? “Wow! “I guess this what we’re doing now. “You know what? “I hope that bitch is worth it. “Wow! “So you telling me that bitch is worth it? “You know what? “Don’t even come home tonight. “Wow! “So you really not gonna come home tonight?” [IN NORMAL VOICE] She’s drawing conclusions and answering the conclusions that she drew by herself. It’s a sickness, ladies. It’s a disease. First thing I do, I haul ass into Joey’s room. “Joey! Wake your ass up! “What the hell you let me sleep over here till 10:00 am for? “You know damn well I gotta be home.” He said, “Let me stop you right there, Kev. “First of all, I don’t know where you have to be. Okay? “What I do know, is that I’m where I’m supposed to be. “I know that. I know that much.” He said, “It sounds to me like you need to make better life decisions.” I said, “Joey, don’t start that shit. “Don’t start that. “This is serious. “It’s 10:00 am! “I can’t just walk in the house “with nothing wrong with me at 10:00 am. “I’m not drunk, I’m not injured. “I can’t stroll in the house perfectly fine and be like, ‘Morning,’ “and just go to bed like everything’s all right at fucking 10:00 am.” He said, “Why not? That’s your house.” “I don’t give a fuck whose house it is, Joey! “It’s the principle!” I said, “Reverse it. “Let’s reverse it. “Let’s say your lady stayed out all night. “You’d been calling and texting her all night, “she ain’t responded to nothing. “She just walks in the house at 10:00 am. “In your mind, what was she doing?” “Oh, that means she was out there sucking dick, “that’s what that means she was doing.” I said, “That’s my point. “That’s what she’s gonna think I was doing.” “Your lady gonna think you was sucking dick, that’s what you telling me? “Well, you ain’t sucked no dick over here, I’ll tell you that. “This ain’t the dick-sucking house, “so I don’t know where you did that at.” “Joey, shut your dumb ass up! Shut up! “Bottom line, I’m not going to my house like this.” I said, “Joey, I got a plan. “This is what I’m gonna do. “Get up, get dressed. “Put on the same clothes you had on last night. “We’re gonna get in my car. “I’m gonna run my car into a wall, okay? “That way the airbags deploy. “When they deploy, I’ma take a selfie. “I’ma post it. “I’ma be like, ‘Fuck! Another accident! Shit happens.’ “#HospitalReady. “#iLoveMyLadyTho.” Um… “#TheDevilisALiar. “#JesusTookTheWheelAgain.” The point that I’m making is that I was willing to go through all those drastic measures just to avoid telling the truth. The truth is, I was playing ping-pong. But if I walk in the house at 10:00 am, as soon as I walk in the house, my lady in the kitchen, and she like, “Where the fuck was you at last night?” And I go, “I was playing ping-pong!” And then her black girlfriend pop out and she like, “Ping-pong? “Really?” [AUDIENCE ECHOING] I’m in trouble. I know my lady, people. I’ma tell you the worst thing about my woman. The worst thing about her is her sense of humor. After I proposed, I had to go to Atlanta for two months. I’m in Atlanta, I’m filming a movie. I get to my hotel, I unpack my bag, I find a pocket pussy in my bag. For those people here tonight who do not know what a pocket pussy is, a pocket pussy… A pocket pussy is a pussy you put in your pocket. I don’t know, people. It’s self-explanatory. I think the definition is in the title. All I know is, I didn’t put it in my bag. I call her. “Hey! “You put this pocket pussy in my bag?” “Yes. “Yes, I did.” “For what?” “Because you’re gonna be gone for two months. “If you get the urge to do something, I suggest you do it “to that pocket pussy.” “Girl, get off my phone. Bye.” “Bye.” I hang up the phone, unpack my bag, I put the pocket pussy on the table. I walk by that pocket pussy for three days, people. Each day became more difficult than the day before. Day one… Day one, I was cool. “Ha! “She bought a pocket pussy, put a pocket pussy in my bag! “She crazy, bought a pocket pussy!” Day two. “Let me read the package. “What does it say? “Like, what is it?” Day three. “I’ma open it ’cause I wanna smell it. “Is it real? “Like, what is it?” Day four was the saddest day of my life. Day four was the day that I decided to fuck the pocket pussy. Let me tell you when it got bad. It didn’t get bad until I caught a reflection of what I was doing in the mirror. I was going to work on this pocket pussy, people. I swear to God. I was butt-ass naked, sweating, talking shit. “You think I’m just gonna walk by you every day? “That’s what you think? “You asked for this. “You wanted this just as much as I did.” I was so disappointed in myself. Let me tell you, here’s why I was mad. I was mad at the fact that they make contraptions for men. Like, fellas, if we wanna use something to please ourselves sexually, we look like creeps. Perverts. Women, you got it made. You got cute shit. You got the bullet. The bullet is this big. You can fit it in your coin purse. Use it at your desk at work. [MAKES BUZZING NOISE] [MOANING] [MAKES BUZZING NOISE] [MOANING] “You all right, Carol?” “I am now.” “What the fuck happened to you?” It’s not the same for men. I’ve been to the sex store. The shit that I saw, it disgusted me. The pocket mouth. The pocket ass. The pocket titties. I was disgusted. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! I bought all of it. I did. No, I know. I know. That’s one of the longest walks I’ve ever taken back to my car in my life. When they give you that pitch-black pervert plastic bag, you’re trying to look normal. [FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING] You look like a fucking creep. Everything about you says “creep”. You’re trying to speak, “How you all doing? Everybody all right?” “Get your freaky ass outta here, man! “I see that black plastic bag full of dicks. “Get your dick-in-a-bag-ass outta here, man.” “Right, all right. Got you.” I was excited when I got back to my hotel. I laid it all out on the bed. I was like, “All right. “Who’s gonna get this dick first?” I was excited. I was excited ’cause I created the perfect woman. I had the black ass, the white titties, the Latina mouth. Whoo-hoo! Oh, man. It looked like somebody raped Mrs. Potato Head and left it all over the place. [LAUGHING] “I couldn’t do it. I can’t do this shit. “I can’t use this.” There’s only one thing that I’ve ever used for sexual enhancement. One thing. One thing. I don’t give a shit, I’ll tell the truth. I’ll be honest with you. I was having a bad week. It was a bad sex week for me. I was cumming fast all week. It was a premie week. That’s what I called it. It didn’t get bad until my lady gave me that frustration deep breath. [EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE] Your lady ever give you that? She roll over on you… [EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE] “You want me to rub your back? “You all right? You want me to do anything? “I’m not drinking enough water, that’s the problem. “I’m not drinking enough water. “I’m dehydrated. “I really think that’s the problem.” I’ve only used one thing for sexual enhancement. One thing. Good thing about me and my friends is we fucking… We talk. We confide in one another. I called Nate. I said, “Nate, I don’t know what’s going on with my body, man. “I’ve been cumming fast all week, dude. “Is this a medical issue? “Like, really, do I need to go to the doctor? “Is my blood level low? Do I need a pill?” He said, “Shut your ass up. You’re a man. “Happens to the best of us.” He said, “If you wanna fix this right away, I’ve got this numbing cream. “You put the numbing cream on your shit before you do it, “it’ll numb you up, you’ll last forever.” I said, “Nate, I need that tonight.” True story. I go to Nate’s house, he gives me the cream, I put it on at his house. I call my lady, I start talking shit. “Hey, you’ve been running your mouth all week. “As soon as I get home, “Operation Put-A-Hole-In-Your-Back is in session. “As soon as I get home.” “Whatever, whatever.” “Ain’t no whatever. “Hole-In-Your-Back as soon as I get home.” I get home, we go at it. She stops me, she starts giving me head. [MAKES SUCKING NOISE] I stop her. We start doing it again. I’m talking shit. Uh-huh. Uh-huh! “You did this! “You did this to yourself! “Look at you sitting there, looking all stupid. “With that dumb-ass goddamn look on your face. “Can’t say shit now. “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something!” She said, [IN SQUEAKY FEMALE VOICE] “I can’t feel my mouth.” [IN NORMAL VOICE] I said, “What?” She said, “My mouth feels numb. “I can’t feel my mouth.” I look down, slobber and shit coming out the side of her mouth. It dawned on me she done sucked all the numbing cream off. But as a man, you can’t tell on yourself. You gotta take this to the grave. So I just made some shit up. I said, “You must be allergic to these pillowcases. “These are new pillowcases.” She’s like, “I know.” She said, “I know, I’m gonna throw them in the trash.” I said, “Yeah. “We gotta get rid of these.” This is what almost made me shit on myself. She said… She said, “I don’t feel pretty.” “You don’t look it right now. “This is fucked up. “This is bad for everybody. “You over here with that permanent “going-down-on- the-roller-coaster face.” This is fucked up. “Oh, no. Oh, no.” I let, like, a week go by, then I told her. I told her what happened. I didn’t give a shit. I told you guys, I’m 36. 36 is the perfect age to stop giving a shit. The shit that I used to care about, I don’t care about anymore. Like when I wear white underwear. Now, I don’t care about wearing ’em. Back then, if I had, like, shit stains in my drawers, I would try to get my drawers before she saw them. Get ’em out of the house. Get in my car, drive, cut ’em up, throw ’em out at different exits. “She ain’t never gonna find these. “CSI couldn’t find these.” Why do women love to argue about obvious shit? Like, she found a pair of my drawers with shit stains in them one time, she confronted me. “Uh, excuse me. “What is this?” “Bitch, it’s shit. “What do you think it is? It’s shit. “It’s perfectly placed in the crack of my ass. “What else would it be? “What, you think I got a Sharpie and I’m fucking with you? “You think I got a brown Sharpie, “and I’m like, ‘She’s gonna think this is shit?’ “Smell it, it smells like shit.” I got mad ’cause I knew where I hid them. So I tried to flip it. I was like, “What the fuck you doing behind the dresser? “I hid those behind the dresser!” Shit that I used to care about, I don’t care. I don’t care about not giving a shit as long as I don’t go crazy. I don’t wanna become crazy. I respect crazy people too much. The reason why, I’ve had too many situations with real-life crazy people. I’ma tell you, the craziest situation I’ve ever been in, one night, I’m drunk. I’m hungry. Everything’s closed, so I stop at a gas station. I go to the gas station and it’s crowded. There’s like 13 people in line. I want my chips and snacks that bad that I’m willing to wait in line. I decide to open up my chips. I start eating them while I’m in line. Out of nowhere, the guy in front of me snaps. “Sick of this shit! “Bitch on the register all fucking slow! “I bet you’ll speed it up “when I start shooting these motherfuckers in the head!” When I turned back around, we locked eyes. We’re looking at each other. I panicked, I was like, “You took the words right outta my goddamn mouth! “I was about to say the same shit!” He said, “Yeah, ’cause me and you brothers, that’s why. “Don’t worry, I got this one. “You get the next one. You can leave.” I said, “Thank you.” I left real fast. I didn’t say shit. I just walked out. Let me tell you something. One of the most uncomfortable moments in my life was the day that I had to walk by 13 people that have just been told that they was about to die when I got chose to live. The reason why I was mad was ’cause they kept staring at me on my way out. I was like, “What? “He chose me. “What do you want from me?” This one lady was like, “Call the cops.” I was like, “I can’t. “My phone’s dead. “Just like you.” And I walked out. I was like this. I was just happy to be alive. I got stories like that for days. I can give you guys, by far, this is probably my most uncomfortable moment in life by far. I’m at the airport. I just landed. I’m on my way to baggage claim. While I’m walking to baggage claim, out of nowhere, my stomach tells my ass that I gotta shit right now. I’ve never felt anything like this in my life. I had to shut my body down. Don’t nobody know what’s going on except me and my ass. I had to lock my ass up. That’s when you just get tight ass. I’m having a conversation with my ass. “Come on, man. “You really gonna do this shit right now?” My ass was like, “Yup, right now.” “You can’t wait 20 minutes till I get back to the house?” “Nope, you got 20 seconds. “Clock starts now. “19, 18, 17, 16, 15…” I say, “You got to be shitting me.” He said, “I’m not, but I will.” “Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait!” I don’t wanna go to the bathroom at the airport, but I don’t have a choice. The reason why I don’t wanna go to the bathroom at the airport is because I don’t want people taking pictures of me going to the bathroom and coming out, posting it. #KevinHartStinkybutt. People play too much. Social media shit has gotten out of hand. But I can’t hold it, I have to go. I make the decision to use the bathroom at the airport. I’m in the bathroom stall, right? Once again, people, you cannot make shit like this up. [TOILET FLUSHING] This is what it looks like, people. No, I’m for real, this is a life-size photo. This is really what it looks like. This is how small I am on an actual toilet. I’m in the bathroom. It’s 6:30 in the morning. I’m by myself. By myself. It’s quiet. It’s just like this. Quiet. This is what I hear outta nowhere. “Yo, Kev Hart, how long you gonna be, man? “I wanna get a picture with you when you come out.” Immediately I put my feet up. I did this right here. I said, if he can’t see my feet, he’ll go away. He’s like, “Come on, man, I saw your feet already. “I know you’re in there. “Just gimme a timeframe. “How long you gonna be?” “Gimme like 15, 20 minutes, man.” “Come on, man, that’s too long. “My flight leaves in like 10 minutes. Just pinch it. “Pinch it off for me.” “What the fuck? “What? No, man. “Ain’t nobody’s pinching nothing, man. “Just get outta here.” “Kev, don’t do me like that. “I’m your biggest fan, man. “I support everything you do. “What would you do if you was me?” “I would let me shit by myself, man. “Just get outta here.” He said, “Kev, come on. “You know what? “This is what I’ma do, I’ma get my picture real quick. “I’m just gonna put my phone over the stall, “I’ma snap a picture real quick.” The fear that went through my body of looking up and seeing a camera flash. Oh, my God, I was scared because I didn’t put toilet paper on the toilet seat. I didn’t have time. I didn’t want that picture to get out ’cause I didn’t want my fan base to know that I be raw-butting these toilet seats sometimes. I said y’all gonna lose respect for me if you find out that I be raw-butting these toilet seats. Listen, the reason why I had to go to the bathroom was because I drank coffee. I don’t drink coffee. My lady drinks coffee. She had a vanilla latte, I tasted it. I said, “God damn, babe. That’s good. What is that?” She said, “A vanilla latte.” I said, “Yo, I’m gonna get me one. “Where’d you get it from?” She said, “Starbucks.” I said, “I’m going.” She said, “Babe, “I should go with you ’cause you’ve never been.” “Girl, shut up. I’m grown, “I’ma go by myself.” “No, babe, I’m serious. “You don’t know how it works there. Let me go with you.” “Girl, shut up. I’m fine.” I get in the car, I drive to Starbucks. She keeps calling me while I’m on the way to Starbucks. “You get there yet?” “You okay?” “You need my help?” Now I’m getting nervous. Like, what the fuck is this place? I’m really getting nervous. I get to Starbucks, I’ve never seen anything like it. I open the door, it’s mayhem. All I hear is noise. “Gimme the frappe whap. “Frappe whap. “Frappe what, frapped lat. “Frappe whap, fat lat.” I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m scared. I’m in line. I don’t even know how I got in line, but I’m there. I’m like, in the middle. I’m trying to fit in, but I know I don’t. I’m sweating. I’m next. Here’s what I don’t like. I don’t like the pressure that the barista put on me for not knowing the lingo. It’s my first time ever going to Starbucks, people. My first time. I’m like, “Good morning. “Um… “It’s crowded, right? Shit. “Um, what do I want? “Let me get a… “Let me get a vanilla lattet.” “I’m sorry, sir, what’d you say?” “Is it… “Lemme get a vanilla latex. “Lattet. Let me get that.” “You mean latte?” “Yes, that’s what I mean. “Let me get a small vanilla latte.” “Okay, sir, that’s one tall vanilla latte.” “No. That’s not what I want. “I don’t want a tall, I want a small.” “Sir, a tall is a small.” “No, it’s not. “If that’s the case, I would be tall. “Tall is tall, a small is small.” You know what, I don’t wanna cause a rut. “Whatever your version of a small is, lemme get that.” “How would you like that, sir? “Would you like that iced or hot?” Fuck is going on, man? What you talking about? Like, when I get nervous, I just repeat shit. “Would I like it iced or hot? “Would I like it iced or hot? “Fuck. Um… “Shit. “How would you get it?” The lady behind me was like, “Mmm.” She only had one shoulder. I stopped talking to her immediately. I said, “Let me get it iced.” She said, “What’d you say?” I said, “Hot. “Hot ice. Icy hot. “Put it together like that. “That’s how I want it. That’s how I drink it.” “Sir, would you like it whipped or blended?” [SINGSONG] “Would I like it whipped or blended? “Shit. “Fuck. “Would I like it whipped or blended? [IN NORMAL VOICE] “You know what, whip it. “Whip it, whip it real good. Just do that.” “Sir, for $2 more, do you wanna make it a skinny?” “Well, you know, I ain’t trying to leave with the fat bitch. “Do what you gotta do, man.” “Sir, what kind of milk would you like? “Would you like whole milk, skim milk, 2%, soy?” “I didn’t even know there was that many milks, man. “Fuck. Shit. “What, you all got the heat on? “God damn, my fucking ass is sweating. “Can you back up? “God damn, back up! “You don’t see I’m trying to take this test? “Shit. “How many? You say there’s four milks? “Fuck. “Put them all in there. Give me every milk you’ve got. “I want every goddamn milk you got. Put it in there.” “Sir, would you like to cut it with caramel, put cinnamon on top?” “You know what? I just want to cancel it. “I don’t even know what I have at this point. “Am I getting a latte or am I baking a fucking cake? “Just let me… “Let me get a banana. “Can I get that banana? “Just put some water in my hand “so I can put it on my face real quick.” “You want that water to be hot or cold?” “What the fuck is your problem, man? “God damn! Will you back up? “Back up! “Shit! “Relax, bend your knees.” “I can’t bend my knees because I got attacked by an orangutan.” The black girl popped out. “Orangutan? “Really?” [AUDIENCE ECHOING] I’m gonna be honest with y’all. I don’t like people that drink Starbucks coffee. I really don’t. Matter of fact, if you’re a real Starbucks drinker and you’re here tonight, make some noise. If you’re a real Starbucks drinker. [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Okay, all of y’all can suck my balls. I wanted you all to know who I was talking to. Here’s my question. Who the fuck do you think you are? Like, do you hear what you order? Do you hear what you’re asking people to bring you back? Have you ever made an innocent Starbucks run for somebody? You don’t even drink it, you’re just being nice. “Hey, man, I’m going to Starbucks real quick. I’ma get a bottle of water. “Somebody want something?” It’s always one guy. You can tell he drinks way too much coffee ’cause he got too much energy. [GRUNTS] “Hey! Yay! Hey-yay-yay! “You going to Starbucks? “You going to Starbucks? You going to Bucky’s? “Do me a favor, man. Let me get a, um… “Let me get a caramel macchiato. “Caramel macchiato. “Light ice. Not heavy. “If it’s heavy, I’m not gonna drink it. “Do me a favor. “Tell ’em to put a little bit of soy in it. “Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go… [SMACKS LIPS] “‘Oh, boy.’ Okay? “Three whips. “Take that third whip to the top of the lip “so I can take a sip, you got it? “You ain’t got it. I’ma say it one more time. “Caramel macchiato. “Caramel macchiato. “Light ice. Not heavy. “If it’s heavy, I’m not gonna drink it. “Do me a favor. “Tell ’em to put a little bit of soy in it. “Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go… [SMACKS LIPS] “‘Oh, boy.’ Okay? “Three whips. “Take that third whip to the top of the lip “so I can take a sip, you got it?” “Let me make sure I got it. “Let me say it back to you. “Black coffee. Did I get it? “Is it black coffee? “‘Cause if you think I’ma go across the street and say what you just said, “you can suck the back of my dick twice on a Tuesday. “Not a lot, just with a little bit of soy. “Enough for you to suck my dick and go… [SMACKS LIPS] ‘Oh, boy.’ “When you get to the top of my dick, “slow down so I can know you really sucked that shit.” Philadelphia, my name is Kevin Hart. Thank you! [AUDIENCE CHEERING] [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] Thank you! God damn it, thank you! I love y’all! Thank you, man! [AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING] Thank you! From the top of this goddamn stadium to the bottom, thank you! I love y’all, man! I’ll tell you what, Philadelphia. This is a fucking moment, dude. This is a moment. You hear me? It’s a moment. When you look around this room tonight, what I love the most is that I see every race, ethnicity, nationality possible. You hear me? I see some of everybody. We all came under the same roof and we laughed tonight. If you can laugh together, you can live together. If you can live together, you can love together. I live by those rules, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t see that shit happen tonight. In my city, I made fucking history, goddamn it. I’m in the record books, you hear me? I am in the record books. My name is Kevin Hart, and this has been the best night of my fucking life. You hear me? Thank you all. I appreciate you so goddamn much. Good night. Peace. That’s a show! Did you see that? 53,000 people! Did you feel that energy? That love in the building? Yes. I saw it, Kevin, you were great. What’s wrong? What’s going on? You know the man you killed? Yeah. He wasn’t the leader. What you talking about? They’re back. They’re here? We gotta go! Get the fuck outta here. KEVIN: It’s Agent 5-4. I need a helicopter ASAP. DISPATCHER ON RADIO: We need an ID challenge. Password, please. Um… [SOFTLY] National Geographic titties are my favorite thing. DISPATCHER: Sorry, Agent 5-4. You’re breaking up. Please come again? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Titties with no nipples on National Geographic are my favorite thing to watch on TV. Titties with no nipples? That’s your password? DISPATCHER: ID confirmed, Agent 5-4. Helicopter en route. Thank you. We’re picking up two inbound bogeys about half a mile east of your location. Shit. They’re on our ass. [TIRES SCREECHING] [TIRES SCREECHING] KEVIN: Oh, shit. Get in. So what now? Now? Well, now we do the same thing on a global scale. I think it’s time to show the world just how funny Kevin Hart is. SINGER: [SCREAMING] Kevin! | [AUDIENCE CHEERING] [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] Philadelphia, make some fucking noise! [CHEERING INTENSIFIES] No. That’s not good enough for me. Goddamn it, we sold a football stadium out tonight. So I need to hear that! I need to hear that! So I’ma ask my city one more time… Philadelphia, make some fucking noise! [CHEERING LOUDLY] Yeah! Yeah! Yes! Goddamn it, we about to get loose. I can honestly say that the city of Philadelphia has my back. Is it safe to say that, Philly? It’s safe to say that. I think it’s only right that I show Philadelphia that love back. Can I see Philadelphia behind me? Can I do that, please? Can I see my city behind me? We about to have a good time tonight. We love you, Kevin! The name of this show is called What Now?, people. The reason why I decided to call it What Now?, is because that’s the question that I get the most. “Kevin, what the fuck are you gonna do now?” I love that question because I always have an answer for it. I’m alive. I’m still experiencing shit, which still means I have stuff to talk about. For example, people, I’m engaged. I’m about to get married again soon. Okay? [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Yes. I told my lady, I said, before we get married, we gotta move. I did tell her that. It’s not that I don’t like where we live. I just don’t like the area. It’s not the house, it’s the area. See, I don’t wanna be in Hollywood, staring at all the Hollywood shit. So I moved out to the suburbs. Fucked around, moved around a bunch of wildlife. I don’t like the animals around my house. This is real shit right now. Right now, I have a raccoon problem, people. Not raccoons. A raccoon. One raccoon. This raccoon’s a bitch. I can’t stand this raccoon. I got glass doors in the back of my house, right? I’m sitting in the living room, I can see into my backyard through the glass doors. Outta nowhere, a raccoon walks up to the glass doors. But not like a raccoon should, not on all fours. Raccoon’s on two feet. Motherfucker walked up to the doors like this, swear to God. This is real shit. Scared the shit outta me. It looked like a N i g g a was walking in my backyard. That’s what it looked like. I saw him, I said, “Oh, shit! “Look at that goddamn raccoon right there!” He saw me, I see him, we’re looking at each other. This is what scared the shit outta me. To get a better look in my house, he put his hand on the glass, and started looking in the window. I see him, he see me. He starts fucking with the locks. [GRUNTING] When he couldn’t get in, he got mad. He fake shot at me twice. Bang, bang! Then he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. This is a true story. You gotta understand, people, I don’t like raccoons. I can’t stand raccoons because I don’t like the way they look. They look like criminals. They got a black mask, gloves. Everything about a raccoon says crime. My lady gets home, I said, “Babe, we gotta get the fuck out this house. “A raccoon came up to the glass doors, “put his hand on the glass, saw me, shot at me twice. “Bang, bang! “Then he grabs his dick, disappeared into the dark.” My lady goes, “What do you get out of lying so much? “Like what does that do for you?” I said, “Who the fuck is lying? “Who makes up a lie about a raccoon come up to the window, “going bang, bang, grabbing his dick, disappearing into the dark? “Like, whose life is that bad that they gotta sit at home all day, “and make some shit like that up?” She said, “Obviously you, because you’re lying, Kevin. “You know how I know you lying? “‘Cause a raccoon can’t go, ‘Bang, bang.’ “You know why? ‘Cause a raccoon don’t have no thumbs. “So how can a raccoon go, ‘Bang, bang’?” “Bitch, maybe he did this. Maybe he just did this right here. “What difference does it make? “The point is that he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. “We got a dick-grabbing raccoon on the loose, “you worried about his fucking thumbs. “You need to get your priorities straight, that’s what needs to happen.” I got a lot of animals out there, people. Coyotes, mountain lions, rattlesnakes. It’s at the point now where I don’t like taking out trash. I’m being honest with you. The reason I don’t like taking out trash at my house is ’cause to take out the trash, I gotta walk outside, I gotta walk down my driveway. Trash cans are at the end of my driveway. My driveway is long as shit, people. Okay? It also gets real dark in my driveway. Reason why it gets so dark in my driveway at nighttime is because I turned down the option to get lights going down the side of my driveway. Reason why I turned down the option is because I thought the contractors were trying to take advantage of me because they knew that I had money. I don’t trust people that do this when they talk. Like that’s how you talk to me, like, “Hey, man, you gotta get some lights. It gets real dark out here. “You gotta get some lights.” I don’t need no fucking lights. It’s a driveway. You drive in, you drive out. What the fuck I need lights for? I was wrong, people. I need lights. Can’t see shit in this goddamn driveway. You gotta understand, I don’t like being in the dark, hearing animal noises, especially when I can’t see the animal. It fucks with me. When you’re by yourself and you get scared, you do stupid shit. When you hear this… [CHITTERING] [HISSING] You do stupid shit when you get scared. [SCREAMS] “You bite me, I’ll bite you back, bitch!” You start doing shit you saw in the movies. “What are you waiting for?” It got to the point where I start grabbing the trash, running down the driveway, throwing the trash in the trash can, running back to the house. One day I locked myself out of the house. Scariest 17 seconds of my life, people. “Open up the door!” [SCREAMS] [CRYING] What is this when you get scared? [CRYING] Whenever you’re afraid, the first person you see is fully responsible for whatever you were afraid of. “Bitch, where the fuck was you at all that time I was outside? “Some shit licked my neck, I’m out here calling you. “You in here cooking, that’s your problem.” It got to the point where I told my lady, I said, “Yo, I’m not taking out trash anymore. I’m not gonna do it.” She said, “Well, I’m not gonna do it.” I said, “You don’t have to.” “It’s not a woman’s job, it’s a man’s job. “I’ma make my son do it. “He’s seven years old. “It’s time for him to start pulling his weight around here. “He don’t do shit.” That’s the beautiful thing about being a dad. You can do what you want when you want, can’t nobody say shit about it. I woke my son up at 2:00 in the morning with a complete bullshit story. I kicked his bed. “Get your ass up! Get up! “Didn’t I tell you to get that goddamn trash out last night?” First of all, that was a lie. I never said that. Never said anything like that. He woke up, he was confused. “What? What? No. “You never said that. What?” “You calling me a liar? You telling me I’m lying? “Get your ass up. Get that goddamn trash out.” Private schools are fucking my kids up. My son, he said, “All right, all right. All right.” He goes, “Let me get my flops.” What? “Your flops? “Boy, if you don’t get your black/white ass down these goddamn steps, “get this fucking trash, I’ma knock your head loose in here.” My son goes downstairs, he grabs the trash. He’s about to walk outside, he sees it’s real dark. He goes, “Dad, it’s real dark outside. Can you come with me?” “No. No, I cannot. “No. “It’s not my journey, son. This is your journey. “It’s about you becoming a man. “You gotta do this by yourself.” My son grabs the trash, he’s literally walking outside. He goes down the driveway. I could tell when he got scared, ’cause he stopped. He started doing this shit right here. He started looking around. When he looked at me, I said, “See, that’s why I don’t like doing that shit. “Go, you’re all right. Finish. Finish.” He put the trash in the trash can, starts walking back. Outta nowhere, my son takes off running. I mean, running, haul assing towards the house. Running as fast as he can. I got scared because I couldn’t see what he was running from. I couldn’t see it. So I closed the door. I closed the door. No, I did. I know it was wrong, but I did it. I don’t wanna lie. I shut the door. I told myself, depending on what it was, was gonna determine if I open up the door or not when he got back. If it was something crazy, I was just gonna put my hand on the glass. I was gonna say, “Son, touch the glass one last time. “I hate that it had to be this way.” My biggest fear in life is seeing somebody that I love get attacked by an animal that I can’t beat. That’s a fear. What do you do? What do you do? You look happy. Are you in love, man? What do you do if you see your lady running down the driveway as fast as she can? Outta nowhere, the Tasmanian Devil jump out, grab her face from the back? You wanna know the answer to that question? Not a goddamn thing, that’s what the fuck you do. That’s the Tasmanian Devil. You ain’t never seen no shit like that. If you look outside and all you hear is… [SNARLING] You’re not fucking going out there. [SNARLING] All you gonna do is react. [SCREAMING] Oh! Oh! Oh! “Get the fuck off of her! “She had enough!” My lady got mad at me when I said that. She got pissed off. She got pissed off. She said, “So if I got attacked by an animal, “you wouldn’t come out there and help me?” I said, “It depends on the animal. “If it’s a cat, I’ll come out there and kick the cat. “I’ll kick the shit out of a cat. “But if it’s a mountain lion, fuck no. I’m not going out there. “Ain’t no way in hell.” She says, “So you would just let me die?” “If that was God’s plan. I’m not gonna… “I’m not gonna fuck with God’s plan. “Who am I to rewrite what God wrote? “That’s what God wrote next to your name. “It said ‘death by mountain lion attack.’ “Who the fuck am I to rewrite that?” I’m being honest with you all. You know the real reason why I wouldn’t help my lady if she got attacked by a mountain lion? I don’t know if I wanna be with a woman that survived a mountain lion attack. I don’t… I don’t know if I’ma feel the same way about you when you come out of that attack. Like, what if he got you good? What if he bit your neck up? Or if he bit your shoulder off? You ain’t got no shoulder no more? That’s tough. That’s tough. I can’t be with no girl that don’t have no shoulder. I can’t. I’m sorry. You can call me an asshole all you want. I can’t be with a girl that can’t do this. Mmm! If you can’t do that… If you can’t shoulder shrug, bitch, I can’t be with you. You can’t shoulder shrug, bitch? Mmm! You know how many times you shoulder shrug in a day? You know how many times you shoulder shrug? Look, you did it a little bit just now. Little bit. Look at you. Little bit. Ladies, let me tell you something. You don’t know how important your shoulders are until you lose one of them. Life will change without both shoulders, I promise you that. I tell you what, you could kiss halter tops good-bye. That’s over. Every shirt you put on gonna look like a goddamn toga outfit. All that shit coming across the chest. I don’t wanna be with a toga bitch. I don’t want her. The girl that look like she won a pageant every day. [LAUGHING] You won every day? Oh! Here come Michelle. Here come Miss America. I don’t wanna be with her. I tell you what, if you got one shoulder and we get pulled over by the cops, we’re going to jail. We’re going to jail. ‘Cause everything you do is gonna come off as sarcasm. “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” “No.” “Get the fuck out of the car. Right now! Get out the car! “You wanna be a smartass? You’re going to jail.” “I’m not! I’m not! This is how it is. I’m stuck with this. “Don’t do this, please.” Cop have a tough time grabbing you out the car. “Get your ass out the goddamn…” You can’t be cold with one shoulder. You can’t shiver with one shoulder. Ain’t nobody gonna believe you. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” “It’s freezing in here.” “No, bitch, you twitching. That’s drugs. I know drugs when I see it.” “Get your high ass out of my goddamn house. “You’re high!” If you only got one shoulder, the only game you’ll be good at is a game of tag. Can’t nobody tag you. You out there dipping everything. [GRUNTS] “Shit!” [GRUNTING] “I can’t tag this bitch, man! “She out here dipping everything.” “You gotta go for the shoulder side.” Ladies, I can feel you judging me. Stop judging me. I feel it. “Kevin, you wrong. You wrong. “That woman loved you. “She was with you from the beginning. She held you down.” Let me tell you something, ladies. You can’t hold nobody down without two shoulders. It’s a scientific fact. You need two shoulders. I’ll start it with you guys. I’ll ask you a question. Sweetie, do you think you’re the type of woman that could stay with your man regardless of any freak accident? Yeah? You know why I love asking women that question? Because your answers are never realistic. See, women answer questions with emotion. Emotion made you say yes. “Yes! Yes, I love him! Yes!” That’s emotion. You don’t even know the fucking scenario. You don’t even know what happened. So I’ma give you a scenario. Let’s say you and your man taking a walk. Beautiful day outside. You look at your man, you say, “Babe, I love you more today than I did yesterday.” Out of nowhere, an orangutan hops the fence, attacks your man. The orangutan takes his kneecaps. He can never do this again in life. He is straight-legged for the rest of his life. You can deal with this right here? This ain’t gonna fuck with you every day? Every goddamn day, this ain’t gonna fuck with you? Looking at this? Butt-ass naked, going to the bathroom like this. This ain’t gonna fuck with you? You a goddamn liar. One of those days, you’re gonna fucking snap. “If you don’t go sit your straight-legged ass down… “Walking all straight all over the fucking house! “Sit your no-knee-bending ass down!” You’re gonna get mad ’cause you still wanna do knee-bending shit. “Hey, babe! Babe! We still going bowling on Tuesday?” All your friends hate when you bring him ’cause he takes too long to bowl. They get mad. “I can’t stand when she brings his ass! “He can never relax. He’s so uptight!” You get mad. “I can’t relax ’cause I ain’t got no knees! “I got attacked by an orangutan!” Your black girlfriend’ll be there. She’ll never believe shit. “An orangutan? Really?” That’s my “black girl don’t believe shit” face. “Orangutan? “Really?” Why is that? Why don’t black women believe shit? What happened? What happened? You can’t convince a black woman of shit. “Hey, babe. Babe, don’t walk over there. “It’s real slippery right there.” “Slippery? “Really?” She walk over there anyway, trips, falls, hits her head. “Oh, my God, it’s slippery over here. “They need to put a sign up.” “Bitch, I just told you, it was fucking slippery over there.” “Did you tell me? “Really?” [AUDIENCE ECHOING] Could you still have sex with the guy that can’t bend his knees? If he was aggressive about it? That’s an honest question. Could you have sex with a guy that can’t bend his knees? “Hey! Hey! “Get over here and get some of this lock-knee dick.” “Don’t run! Don’t run! Don’t run!” [LAUGHS] It look like he be skiing on your ass, that’s what it look like. When he cums, it looks like he jumped a big-ass ski ramp. Oh! Look at all the black women. “Ski ramp? “Really?” [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Oh! Stop it. Cut it out. Stop trying to make me feel tall. This is how I think, people. I’m a drastic thinker. I’m not worse than my lady, though. My lady is the queen of hypothetical thoughts. You know what I feel like? I feel like all women suffer from this disease. Women love to ask men questions about shit that would never happen. You love it. “Babe, babe, what would you do if… “Babe, babe, hypothetically speaking, but not really, but if it did, “what could might be, huh?” You love it. True story right now. Me and my lady, we’re on a boat. Right? We’re on a boat. We hit a wave. She go, “Oh, my God, babe, what if we would’ve hit that wave, “and I would’ve fell out the boat in the middle of the ocean, “and then a shark would’ve started swimming around me? “What would you do?” “I’ma get the camera and start taping. “Some shit about to go down. I don’t know.” “Stop being an asshole and answer the question!” “What do you mean, answer the question? “It’s a shark.” Like, I don’t know who she wants me to be in her head. Like, what N i g g a is that tough that he sees a shark and goes, “I’m sick of this shark shit!” And jumps in the water to fight the shark? I’m not that guy. I don’t have that muscle. She said, “Well, what if the shark attacked me, “but I got away, and I swam back to the boat?” I said, “That would never happen. What kind of attack was this?” She said, “What do you mean?” “What do you mean, what do I mean?” “What kind of attack was this? What did the shark get?” She said, “The shark bit off one leg, one arm.” “The shark bit off one leg and one arm, and you swam back to the boat? “That’s what you’re telling me? “Was it on the same side? “‘Cause on the same side, you’re just gonna go in a circle. “This is all you’re gonna do right here, is one big-ass circle. “You ain’t going no-fucking-where.” “Stop being an asshole, Kevin, and answer the question.” “I can’t answer the question if you don’t make the question make sense.” She said, “Fine. Alternate the sides. “He bit one leg on this side, one arm on this side.” I said, “So, what, you wanna know “what I would say when you got back to the boat?” She said, “Yeah. What would you say?” “Well, who else is on the boat?” She said, “It’s just us. It’s nobody else on the boat. Just us.” “Okay, let me get this straight. “You get attacked by the shark, “shark bites off one leg, one arm, “you swim back to the boat, “you climb up on the boat, “you’re standing in front of me on one leg, “it’s nobody else on the boat, nobody else. “If it’s nobody else on the boat, “I’ma push you back in. I’ma push you back in. “Shark gotta finish that. He gotta finish that. I’m not going home with that. “I didn’t leave with that. Why do I have to go home with that? “That’s not what I left with. “The shark gotta clean that plate. Clean that plate, Mr. Shark.” That’s what my mom tell me, “Finish your food. “You better finish that fucking food.” Y’all can think I’m an asshole all you want. This is how I think, man. I told you, I’m a drastic thinker. This is why I told my family we need to move. I’m not the father for the environment that we live in. I’m not. Good thing about my family is we table everything. Everything is up for discussion. I told my son, I said, “Look. I told you I wanna move. “Tell me why you wanna stay.” My son told me flat-out, “Dad, I don’t wanna move because I don’t wanna leave my room.” I get it. I went all out for my son’s room. My son used to be into Spider-Man, now he’s into Batman. So I went out, I got his whole room painted as Gotham City. I put the bat symbol on the wall. His bed is the Batmobile. Batman is on the actual ceiling. When my son first saw the room, he went off. [GROWLS] “Dad!” [GROWLS] [CHUCKLES] He was like, “I love it!” [GROWLS] I told you all, private schools are fucking my kids up. They are. My son has a lot of white friends. They got real long hair. So my son gets excited, he does this shit. Listen, listen to me. It makes me so mad. Do you understand me? This shit makes me so fucking mad. The reason why is because his hair looks just like mine. It’s just like mine. So I’m like, “What are you doing?” He was like, “I couldn’t see you.” “Bitch, you see me. Don’t… “Don’t do that. “You see me. I’m right here. “Don’t act like you can’t see me.” He was like, “I just wanna play.” “Fine, go. Go play.” My son goes in his room, he plays all day. All day. It’s time for bed. I say, “Go in there, brush your teeth, wash your face, get into bed. “I’ma kiss you good night.” My son gets into bed, I kiss my son good night, I cut out the lights, I walk out. When I walk out, I hear a bunch of screaming. “No! “Don’t do it, Batman, please!” What the fuck? I go running back in the room. I run back in the room, this woman made Batman glow in the dark. So Batman… Batman… [CHUCKLES] Batman looked like he was about to rape my son. He was just staring at my son. Hey, I’m not gonna lie, I got scared. I said, “Get the fuck out of the bed! “Get out the bed before he swoop down on your ass “and I can’t do nothing about it!” I can’t beat Batman. My daughter said, “Dad, I don’t wanna move because I love the space.” My daughter’s favorite game to play at the house, she loves to hide from people, wait for you to walk by, jump out and scare you. [SCREAMS] This girl’s patience is unbelievable. I’ve never seen anything like it. Like, I’ve seen my daughter go hide, but then I forgot that she went to go hide. So, like, five, six hours go by. I finally walk by, she jumps out, but she’s too weak to scare me. [SCREAMS SOFTLY] “What took you so long, Daddy? “I haven’t eaten anything all day. “I’m so hungry. “My lips are dry, they’re bleeding. “I need some water right now, I swear to God.” My kids are characters, but my kids are my best friends. Honestly, they’re my best friends. I love the fact that me and my kids talk. We communicate. Now, I’m not gonna lie. I’m not gonna act like it’s all perfect, because it’s not. We butt heads. I recently got mad at my kids because I feel like my kids don’t put a lot of thought into the gifts that they give me. This shit pisses me off. I’m serious, they’re making me mad. I go all out for my kids. So I feel like when it’s time to do something for me, put the same time, energy and effort into it that I do when I do shit for you. This is what made me mad. For my birthday, my son gave me a handprint. This boy dipped his hand in paint, put it on a piece of paper, said, “Happy birthday, Dad. Love, Hendrix.” Came home excited. “Dad, I got you something for your birthday. “You’re gonna love it. Close your eyes.” I close my eyes. I’m emotional, I start crying. “Boy, don’t do this to me. “Don’t do this. “Not today. “Don’t do it today. What is it?” He said, “Open your eyes. “Happy birthday, Dad. I did this because I love you.” I looked at it, I said, “I’m gonna be honest with you, son. “I don’t really feel like you do. “I don’t think this is a good representation of your level of love for me. “This is a shitty gift. “It’s a fucked-up gift.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my daughter pushing a macaroni plate back down into her book bag. I saw her. I said, “What the fuck is that?” She looked me in the eye. “Mmm, trying to figure it out. I don’t know yet. “I don’t know what I want it to be.” Now, I’m not gonna lie to y’all and say I didn’t hold a grudge, because I did. I held a grudge. I held a grudge all the way up until my son’s birthday. My son’s birthday came, he woke up, he was hyped. “Dad! You know what today is?” “I sure do, son, it’s your birthday. “We gonna turn up like we always do.” My son goes to school, gets home. When he gets home, I got a bunch of presents wrapped up in boxes laid all out on the bed. He opens ’em up. I had 57 handprints in all the boxes. He saw it, he starts crying. He was like, “What is this?” I said, “Those are high fives. “I got you high fives.” He said, “But I didn’t ask for these.” I said, “Neither did I.” You selfish son of a bitch. You better be lucky I didn’t take a picture of my ass and put it in that box, tell you to kiss my fucking ass, that’s what I should’ve did. “I should’ve let Batman rape you.” I said that. Swear to God, I said that. I know it’s wrong, but I said it. When I really wanna piss my kids off, I let my dad spend time with them. That’s how I really get to them. Here’s the thing. My kids love their grandpop, they really do. They just don’t like to be with him for too long ’cause my dad is too loud. It’s like the older you get, the louder you get. This isn’t even a joke. This is how my dad walks in my house. This is his entrance. “Where the babies at? “Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!” That’s his entrance. It’s at the point now where I can’t even let my dad watch my kids by himself. I gotta watch my dad while he watches my kids. ‘Cause he does too many stupid things. I caught my dad giving my kids raw candy out of his pocket. Candy with no wrapper. It was loose. It was just in his pocket. He said, “Huh, huh, y’all want one of these?” “What the fuck is that? What are they?” He said, “Peppermints.” “Ain’t no goddamn peppermint. “Where the lines at on that peppermint?” He said, “My jeans must have rubbed it off.” “N i g g a! “You’re not about to give my kids no jean-dyed peppermint!” “Fine, more for me.” Takes the peppermint out of his pocket, puts it in his mouth. Five minutes go by, I saw my dad take that peppermint out of his mouth, put it back in his pocket. Those were half-sucked on peppermints! He’s not gonna give my kids no goddamn suck-and-saves. That’s a suck-and-save! That’s an old people trick. Old people love to suck on candy and save it. “I’ma save this till after church.” “Nana, eat that fucking candy! “Little piece of candy left, Grandma. “Eat that fucking candy!” [AUDIENCE CHEERING] My dad is a character. The shit that I’m telling you, you can’t make up. I bought my dad an iPhone 6 for his birthday. I’ve never seen my dad use the phone. Never. He comes downstairs one day, he goes, “Hey! “I wanna take the kids to go get some pizza.” I said, “First of all, you’re not going anywhere “with my kids by yourself. “We can go as a group.” I said, “Where you wanna go?” This is true shit. You cannot make this up. My dad takes his phone out of his back pocket, this is what I hear, “Cyrus, where is the closest pizza spot?” “What did you just say?” [SHUSHING] “Cyrus, where you at? “Talk to me. “Looking for a pizza spot. Wake up. “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.” He starts shaking the phone. “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.” My dad thinks there’s a N i g g a living in the phone! “It’s ‘Siri’, you dumb bitch! “‘Siri’! “Not goddamn Cyrus.” He’s a character. I love him, though. Hates the fact that I don’t whup my kids. Hates it. My dad is old school, old generation. Old generation believes in whupping the kid’s ass. That’s all they believe in. It’s not that I don’t. It’s not that I don’t. I don’t want y’all to think that I don’t. I just don’t feel like I need to whup my kid’s ass. My voice is enough. “Shut the fuck up!” That’s enough. Private school kids, they get scared fast. [SCREAMING] “Dad’s going crazy again! “Let’s go to our secret spot!” Private school kids. I’m not gonna lie to y’all. It does piss me off that my kids don’t have any edge. I want my kids to have edge. But they’re not. I’m not a thug, I’m not a killer, people. But I got some edge to me. You need edge to survive in life. My kids aren’t gonna have that edge. The reason why is because they’re growing up different than I grew up. My son definitely doesn’t have it. I gave up. I don’t even give a shit. It is what it is. Swear to God, it is what it is. I’ma tell you the day that I gave up. The day that I gave up, I got some of my friends over to my house that I grew up with. We’re in the kitchen, we’re having a thug-like conversation about our pasts. “Yo, Kev. “You remember when Ronald got shot “in the back of the head?” “God damn, I do. “I really do. “Died on the spot.” “What about Terry? “You remember Terry got shot in the back?” “Fuck! I remember that.” I hear my son coming down the steps. I hear his flip-flops popping. [CLICKING TONGUE] They’re popping fast. [CONTINUES CLICKING] So that means he’s walking with a purpose. Something’s wrong. He gets downstairs, he got an attitude. “Dad! “Wi-Fi’s down!” What the fuck? What? “Well, you want me to reboot it? “‘Cause nobody else seems to care.” “Go! Go, reboot it, man. Go.” “I’m thirsty, could I have a Capri Sun?” “Son, get the fuck out of my face. “Just go. Go! “Them tight-ass pajamas. “Take your ass upstairs. Go. “And put on some loose pajamas!” Now, I don’t know what made me more upset. That, or my friend going, “Who the fuck is Wi-Fi?” I said, “What did you just say?” “I’m saying, he said that they’re gonna reboot it. “If they’re strapped, we’re strapped. “I’ma die for mines.” “What the fuck are you talking about, man? “It’s the Internet, jackass! “It’s the Internet!” “Well, you need to say something, “’cause we almost lost a life today.” “Whose life? “You was gonna kill my son?” “Depending on what side he was on.” What? My dad called me over the holidays. “Hey! “I miss you. “I miss you, I miss them babies. “I wanna come see y’all.” I said, “Dad, all you gotta do is tell me when, I’ll put you on a plane.” He said, “Well, I wanna bring Connie with me.” “Dad, you wanna bring Connie, you can bring Connie.” “Well, before I bring her, I need to know “if your house is wheelchair accessible.” “Well, Dad, nobody in my house is in a wheelchair, “so I never felt the need “to wheelchair-accessorize my home.” “Well, you need to get it right. “Connie’s in a wheelchair now.” “What the fuck happened to Connie? “Why is Connie in a wheelchair?” “It’s a long story. “She got hit by a car.” “Okay, first of all, you just told the story. “It wasn’t that long at all. “Second of all, how’d she get hit by a car? “What happened?” “Look, boy, I ain’t got time to talk to you about that. “I was driving, she was in the street, it was raining. “Legally, I can’t talk about it “’cause the case is still open.” “The case? “You got a case?” “Look, boy, just get some wheelchair shit for the house.” “Fine.” I don’t know what wheelchair shit is, people. I have no idea what wheelchair shit is. True story. I went out, I bought a handicapped sign, I put it in the driveway. True story, swear to God. ‘Cause that way, when they pull up, I look like I support. Like, hey. Hey. Look who’s welcome here. Like, hey. They get there, my dad takes the wheelchair out of the car, puts Connie in the wheelchair. He rolls Connie in the house. Connie gets in the house, she goes off. “Oh, my God! “I love it! I love it! “I wanna see the whole house!” She says, “Spoon, push me all over so I can see everything.” My dad snapped. “No! “No! “Sick of this pushing shit!” That’s what he said. “I’ve been pushing your ass all over the place all goddamn day. “Wherever I sit you is where you’re gonna have to stay “until I feel like moving you again.” I said, “What? “Why can’t she just roll around the house by herself?” He said, “‘Cause when I sit her down, “I’ma lock the back brakes so she can’t move.” “For what?” “Because I love her! “And I don’t want her rolling out of my life, that’s why.” “Okay, all right, stop. “Everybody, stop. Stop.” I said, “Look, y’all just landed, man. “Everybody’s a little bit on edge. “This is what we’re gonna do. “We’re gonna have a family night. “I’ma order some food, we’re gonna watch a movie. “That’s what we’re gonna do.” I order some food, I say, “Connie, go in the other room. “Go pick out a movie you wanna watch.” Connie goes in the room, she picks out a movie. She comes back. The movie she picked out was called The Conjuring. For those people here tonight who do not know what The Conjuring is, The Conjuring is a scary-ass movie that came out a long time ago. I said, “Connie, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to watch that “because of everything that’s been going on around the house.” My dad says, “Stop being a bitch.” I said, “No, Dad, I’m serious. “A raccoon shot at me twice, grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. “I don’t have lights in my driveway.” He said, “Stop being a bitch! “Connie wants to watch the movie, “we’re gonna watch the movie.” Fine. We watch The Conjuring. After the movie’s over, it did exactly what I thought it would do, scared the shit out of me. My dad and Connie, they wanna go upstairs and they wanna go to sleep. Me and my dad pick Connie in the wheelchair up, carry her upstairs, Connie and my dad get into bed, they go to sleep. Me and my lady get into bed, my lady goes to sleep. I’m up. I can’t go to sleep, ’cause I got The Conjuring on my mind. I hear this in the hallway. [THUDDING] [SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING] [THUNDER RUMBLING] Every man in this room tonight has done this at least once. [RUMBLING CONTINUES] “Hey, babe, are you up? “I just heard some shit in the hallway.” “No, I’m asleep. “Just go see what it is.” “Go put some shoes on so you can go see what it is with me, “so we can both go see what it is.” “Stop, Kevin, I’m asleep. “Just go see what it is.” I hear it again. [THUDDING] [THUNDER RUMBLING] You ever get so scared that you don’t know where to put your hands at? “All right! “Don’t make me come out there! “‘Cause if I get out there, I’ma be there!” I don’t even know what that means. I was scared. It was the first thing that came to my mind. She said, “Stop yelling at my ear, just go see what it is.” “Well, you’re up. It don’t look like you’re asleep, “so you should come with me. “Fine, fine. I’ll go by myself.” I sleep naked, so I had to get up, I had to put a robe on. I grabbed my robe, I start scared-walking towards the hallway. Scared-walking is when you’re walking, but you’re leaning backwards just in case… Just in case some shit goes down, you can get the fuck up out of there real quick. It’s quick. I’m scared-walking. Scared-walking. I get to the hallway. As soon as I get to the hallway, I cut the lights on. [SCREAMS] I don’t what it is, people act like lights can stop a murder. Like… Like a murderer will see lights and be like, “Man, I was about to stab you in the neck, “but you got these fucking lights on, I ain’t gonna do it now.” They don’t give a shit about lights. I start scared-walking down this way. Scared-walking. I’m scared-walking. Scared-walking. Out of nowhere, my daughter jumps from behind the wall. [SCREAMING] Listen to me. Scared the living shit out of me. All I can tell y’all is that she learned from her past mistakes. She had a canteen on this hip, she had a fanny pack on this hip with snacks and shit. I don’t know how long she was there, but it had to be for a long time. I was so scared, I turned around, I jumped down my flight of steps. I got 15 steps in my house. I just jumped. When I jumped, the air got the best of my robe, it blew my robe up. My dick, my ass, everything is out. Somehow my car keys fall in my hand. Don’t know how. I don’t really care. I land, I run out the front door, get in my car, start the car up, I start laughing. I start dying laughing. The reason why I was laughing is because I realized that I don’t give a fuck about my family. I was like, “I don’t care. “I don’t care! “I don’t care!” I didn’t go wake my son up. I didn’t go check on my lady. To be 100% honest with you all, I don’t even know if that was my daughter or not. In my mind, that was the little bitch from The Conjuring that was clapping at everybody goddamn near her. I turn around and back out the driveway, my dad is sitting in the backseat of the car. I said, “What the fuck is going on here?” My dad goes… [THUNDER RUMBLING] “Did you hear that shit?” I said, “What?” “Did you hear that shit? “We gotta get the fuck outta here!” I said, “What about Connie?” He said, “What about her? “I can’t carry that goddamn chair downstairs by myself! “I locked the back brakes. “The back brakes are jammed. “I can’t get the back brakes unjammed. “We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!” I said, “If you was that scared, “then why didn’t you leave already?” He said, “‘Cause a raccoon kept coming to the car “going ‘bang, bang,’ and then he grabbed his dick, “disappeared into the dark. “We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!” He pulled out his iPhone and he said, “Cyrus, wake your ass up! “Get my ass up outta here right now! “We ain’t got time for you to be fucking asleep, Cyrus.” “It’s Siri, you dumb bitch. Siri.” The toughest part about that night was the next morning when I got back home. Oh! Oh, no, we left! I’m sorry, I forgot. Yeah, we left. Me and my dad made an executive decision to save ourselves. We got the fuck up outta there. The reason why the next morning was so tough ’cause as soon as I walked in the house, my lady was in the kitchen. She was like, “Where did you go last night?” And I told her, I was like, “I left.” She said, “What do you mean, you left?” I was like, “I left. I saved myself. “The only reason why I came back “is because I didn’t see anything on the news “so I knew you were still alive.” I told the truth. I did. The reason why I told the truth is because I told myself that I’m not gonna lie anymore. The only way I’ll lie is if the truth doesn’t sound believable. Ladies, please, please try to understand that. That doesn’t mean I was out cheating or fucking. It means that whatever I was doing just doesn’t sound right when I say it out loud. That’s it. That’s all it means. Everybody that follows me knows that all my comedy comes from a real place. First and foremost, understand that I’m older now. I’m 36. My friends are older than me. 42, 46, 47, 48. We go out, we do older guy shit. Me and my friends go to a lounge, this is a true story. When we get to the lounge, for some reason, we’re watching ping-pong on TV. We are locked in to this ping-pong match. Outta nowhere, my friend Joey goes, “You’d better be lucky we don’t have a ping-pong table. “If we did, I would bust all y’all’s ass.” I said, “Bet money, bitch.” That’s me and my friends’ biggest problem. We’re competitive. The word “bet” sets off that competitive nature. I said, “Bet money, bitch.” Harry said, “Bet.” Wayne, “Bet.” Spank, “Bet.” Joey, “Bet.” “Bitch, bet.” “Bet.” “Bet.” “Motherfucker, bet.” “Bet.” “N i g g a, bet.” “Bet.” “Bet it, bitch.” “Bet.” “Bet.” “Fuck you, bet.” “Bet.” We get in the car, we drive to Walmart. We drive to Walmart, we buy a ping-pong table. We go back to Joey’s house, we set the ping-pong table up in the kitchen. We get to playing ping-pong. Our game looks nothing like the game that we were watching on TV. So we decide to add alcohol into the mix. Hit the ball into the net, gotta take a shot. You get slammed on, gotta take two shots. You get slammed on and you miss the ball completely, gotta take three shots. Somewhere along the line, the game got so competitive that Joey decided to cut his jeans into jean shorts ’cause he said he wasn’t getting enough lateral movement in the house. Here’s the fucked-up part about that. It was Joey’s house. All Joey had to do is go upstairs and change into a pair of goddamn jean shorts. Here’s the second fucked-up part about that. Joey went upstairs to get the scissors to come back downstairs and cut his jeans into jean shorts. Somewhere along the line, I get slammed on. I go to return the ball, I miss the ball, run into the wall, fall down, black out. I wake up, it’s 10:00 am. Holy shit. It’s 10:00 am! I wake up, I look at my phone, I got 37 missed calls, 47 text messages. Fellas, I’ma tell you something. The worst thing that you can do in life is not respond to your lady’s text messages. Do you hear me? That’s the worst thing that you could do. The reason why I say that is because your woman will then proceed to having a conversation with herself through the messages that she’s sending you. Listen to me. This is what that conversation looks like. [CELL PHONE CHIMES] [SINGSONG] “So this is what we doing now? “Wow! “I guess this what we’re doing now. “You know what? “I hope that bitch is worth it. “Wow! “So you telling me that bitch is worth it? “You know what? “Don’t even come home tonight. “Wow! “So you really not gonna come home tonight?” [IN NORMAL VOICE] She’s drawing conclusions and answering the conclusions that she drew by herself. It’s a sickness, ladies. It’s a disease. First thing I do, I haul ass into Joey’s room. “Joey! Wake your ass up! “What the hell you let me sleep over here till 10:00 am for? “You know damn well I gotta be home.” He said, “Let me stop you right there, Kev. “First of all, I don’t know where you have to be. Okay? “What I do know, is that I’m where I’m supposed to be. “I know that. I know that much.” He said, “It sounds to me like you need to make better life decisions.” I said, “Joey, don’t start that shit. “Don’t start that. “This is serious. “It’s 10:00 am! “I can’t just walk in the house “with nothing wrong with me at 10:00 am. “I’m not drunk, I’m not injured. “I can’t stroll in the house perfectly fine and be like, ‘Morning,’ “and just go to bed like everything’s all right at fucking 10:00 am.” He said, “Why not? That’s your house.” “I don’t give a fuck whose house it is, Joey! “It’s the principle!” I said, “Reverse it. “Let’s reverse it. “Let’s say your lady stayed out all night. “You’d been calling and texting her all night, “she ain’t responded to nothing. “She just walks in the house at 10:00 am. “In your mind, what was she doing?” “Oh, that means she was out there sucking dick, “that’s what that means she was doing.” I said, “That’s my point. “That’s what she’s gonna think I was doing.” “Your lady gonna think you was sucking dick, that’s what you telling me? “Well, you ain’t sucked no dick over here, I’ll tell you that. “This ain’t the dick-sucking house, “so I don’t know where you did that at.” “Joey, shut your dumb ass up! Shut up! “Bottom line, I’m not going to my house like this.” I said, “Joey, I got a plan. “This is what I’m gonna do. “Get up, get dressed. “Put on the same clothes you had on last night. “We’re gonna get in my car. “I’m gonna run my car into a wall, okay? “That way the airbags deploy. “When they deploy, I’ma take a selfie. “I’ma post it. “I’ma be like, ‘Fuck! Another accident! Shit happens.’ “#HospitalReady. “#iLoveMyLadyTho.” Um… “#TheDevilisALiar. “#JesusTookTheWheelAgain.” The point that I’m making is that I was willing to go through all those drastic measures just to avoid telling the truth. The truth is, I was playing ping-pong. But if I walk in the house at 10:00 am, as soon as I walk in the house, my lady in the kitchen, and she like, “Where the fuck was you at last night?” And I go, “I was playing ping-pong!” And then her black girlfriend pop out and she like, “Ping-pong? “Really?” [AUDIENCE ECHOING] I’m in trouble. I know my lady, people. I’ma tell you the worst thing about my woman. The worst thing about her is her sense of humor. After I proposed, I had to go to Atlanta for two months. I’m in Atlanta, I’m filming a movie. I get to my hotel, I unpack my bag, I find a pocket pussy in my bag. For those people here tonight who do not know what a pocket pussy is, a pocket pussy… A pocket pussy is a pussy you put in your pocket. I don’t know, people. It’s self-explanatory. I think the definition is in the title. All I know is, I didn’t put it in my bag. I call her. “Hey! “You put this pocket pussy in my bag?” “Yes. “Yes, I did.” “For what?” “Because you’re gonna be gone for two months. “If you get the urge to do something, I suggest you do it “to that pocket pussy.” “Girl, get off my phone. Bye.” “Bye.” I hang up the phone, unpack my bag, I put the pocket pussy on the table. I walk by that pocket pussy for three days, people. Each day became more difficult than the day before. Day one… Day one, I was cool. “Ha! “She bought a pocket pussy, put a pocket pussy in my bag! “She crazy, bought a pocket pussy!” Day two. “Let me read the package. “What does it say? “Like, what is it?” Day three. “I’ma open it ’cause I wanna smell it. “Is it real? “Like, what is it?” Day four was the saddest day of my life. Day four was the day that I decided to fuck the pocket pussy. Let me tell you when it got bad. It didn’t get bad until I caught a reflection of what I was doing in the mirror. I was going to work on this pocket pussy, people. I swear to God. I was butt-ass naked, sweating, talking shit. “You think I’m just gonna walk by you every day? “That’s what you think? “You asked for this. “You wanted this just as much as I did.” I was so disappointed in myself. Let me tell you, here’s why I was mad. I was mad at the fact that they make contraptions for men. Like, fellas, if we wanna use something to please ourselves sexually, we look like creeps. Perverts. Women, you got it made. You got cute shit. You got the bullet. The bullet is this big. You can fit it in your coin purse. Use it at your desk at work. [MAKES BUZZING NOISE] [MOANING] [MAKES BUZZING NOISE] [MOANING] “You all right, Carol?” “I am now.” “What the fuck happened to you?” It’s not the same for men. I’ve been to the sex store. The shit that I saw, it disgusted me. The pocket mouth. The pocket ass. The pocket titties. I was disgusted. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! I bought all of it. I did. No, I know. I know. That’s one of the longest walks I’ve ever taken back to my car in my life. When they give you that pitch-black pervert plastic bag, you’re trying to look normal. [FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING] You look like a fucking creep. Everything about you says “creep”. You’re trying to speak, “How you all doing? Everybody all right?” “Get your freaky ass outta here, man! “I see that black plastic bag full of dicks. “Get your dick-in-a-bag-ass outta here, man.” “Right, all right. Got you.” I was excited when I got back to my hotel. I laid it all out on the bed. I was like, “All right. “Who’s gonna get this dick first?” I was excited. I was excited ’cause I created the perfect woman. I had the black ass, the white titties, the Latina mouth. Whoo-hoo! Oh, man. It looked like somebody raped Mrs. Potato Head and left it all over the place. [LAUGHING] “I couldn’t do it. I can’t do this shit. “I can’t use this.” There’s only one thing that I’ve ever used for sexual enhancement. One thing. One thing. I don’t give a shit, I’ll tell the truth. I’ll be honest with you. I was having a bad week. It was a bad sex week for me. I was cumming fast all week. It was a premie week. That’s what I called it. It didn’t get bad until my lady gave me that frustration deep breath. [EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE] Your lady ever give you that? She roll over on you… [EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE] “You want me to rub your back? “You all right? You want me to do anything? “I’m not drinking enough water, that’s the problem. “I’m not drinking enough water. “I’m dehydrated. “I really think that’s the problem.” I’ve only used one thing for sexual enhancement. One thing. Good thing about me and my friends is we fucking… We talk. We confide in one another. I called Nate. I said, “Nate, I don’t know what’s going on with my body, man. “I’ve been cumming fast all week, dude. “Is this a medical issue? “Like, really, do I need to go to the doctor? “Is my blood level low? Do I need a pill?” He said, “Shut your ass up. You’re a man. “Happens to the best of us.” He said, “If you wanna fix this right away, I’ve got this numbing cream. “You put the numbing cream on your shit before you do it, “it’ll numb you up, you’ll last forever.” I said, “Nate, I need that tonight.” True story. I go to Nate’s house, he gives me the cream, I put it on at his house. I call my lady, I start talking shit. “Hey, you’ve been running your mouth all week. “As soon as I get home, “Operation Put-A-Hole-In-Your-Back is in session. “As soon as I get home.” “Whatever, whatever.” “Ain’t no whatever. “Hole-In-Your-Back as soon as I get home.” I get home, we go at it. She stops me, she starts giving me head. [MAKES SUCKING NOISE] I stop her. We start doing it again. I’m talking shit. Uh-huh. Uh-huh! “You did this! “You did this to yourself! “Look at you sitting there, looking all stupid. “With that dumb-ass goddamn look on your face. “Can’t say shit now. “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something!” She said, [IN SQUEAKY FEMALE VOICE] “I can’t feel my mouth.” [IN NORMAL VOICE] I said, “What?” She said, “My mouth feels numb. “I can’t feel my mouth.” I look down, slobber and shit coming out the side of her mouth. It dawned on me she done sucked all the numbing cream off. But as a man, you can’t tell on yourself. You gotta take this to the grave. So I just made some shit up. I said, “You must be allergic to these pillowcases. “These are new pillowcases.” She’s like, “I know.” She said, “I know, I’m gonna throw them in the trash.” I said, “Yeah. “We gotta get rid of these.” This is what almost made me shit on myself. She said… She said, “I don’t feel pretty.” “You don’t look it right now. “This is fucked up. “This is bad for everybody. “You over here with that permanent “going-down-on- the-roller-coaster face.” This is fucked up. “Oh, no. Oh, no.” I let, like, a week go by, then I told her. I told her what happened. I didn’t give a shit. I told you guys, I’m 36. 36 is the perfect age to stop giving a shit. The shit that I used to care about, I don’t care about anymore. Like when I wear white underwear. Now, I don’t care about wearing ’em. Back then, if I had, like, shit stains in my drawers, I would try to get my drawers before she saw them. Get ’em out of the house. Get in my car, drive, cut ’em up, throw ’em out at different exits. “She ain’t never gonna find these. “CSI couldn’t find these.” Why do women love to argue about obvious shit? Like, she found a pair of my drawers with shit stains in them one time, she confronted me. “Uh, excuse me. “What is this?” “Bitch, it’s shit. “What do you think it is? It’s shit. “It’s perfectly placed in the crack of my ass. “What else would it be? “What, you think I got a Sharpie and I’m fucking with you? “You think I got a brown Sharpie, “and I’m like, ‘She’s gonna think this is shit?’ “Smell it, it smells like shit.” I got mad ’cause I knew where I hid them. So I tried to flip it. I was like, “What the fuck you doing behind the dresser? “I hid those behind the dresser!” Shit that I used to care about, I don’t care. I don’t care about not giving a shit as long as I don’t go crazy. I don’t wanna become crazy. I respect crazy people too much. The reason why, I’ve had too many situations with real-life crazy people. I’ma tell you, the craziest situation I’ve ever been in, one night, I’m drunk. I’m hungry. Everything’s closed, so I stop at a gas station. I go to the gas station and it’s crowded. There’s like 13 people in line. I want my chips and snacks that bad that I’m willing to wait in line. I decide to open up my chips. I start eating them while I’m in line. Out of nowhere, the guy in front of me snaps. “Sick of this shit! “Bitch on the register all fucking slow! “I bet you’ll speed it up “when I start shooting these motherfuckers in the head!” When I turned back around, we locked eyes. We’re looking at each other. I panicked, I was like, “You took the words right outta my goddamn mouth! “I was about to say the same shit!” He said, “Yeah, ’cause me and you brothers, that’s why. “Don’t worry, I got this one. “You get the next one. You can leave.” I said, “Thank you.” I left real fast. I didn’t say shit. I just walked out. Let me tell you something. One of the most uncomfortable moments in my life was the day that I had to walk by 13 people that have just been told that they was about to die when I got chose to live. The reason why I was mad was ’cause they kept staring at me on my way out. I was like, “What? “He chose me. “What do you want from me?” This one lady was like, “Call the cops.” I was like, “I can’t. “My phone’s dead. “Just like you.” And I walked out. I was like this. I was just happy to be alive. I got stories like that for days. I can give you guys, by far, this is probably my most uncomfortable moment in life by far. I’m at the airport. I just landed. I’m on my way to baggage claim. While I’m walking to baggage claim, out of nowhere, my stomach tells my ass that I gotta shit right now. I’ve never felt anything like this in my life. I had to shut my body down. Don’t nobody know what’s going on except me and my ass. I had to lock my ass up. That’s when you just get tight ass. I’m having a conversation with my ass. “Come on, man. “You really gonna do this shit right now?” My ass was like, “Yup, right now.” “You can’t wait 20 minutes till I get back to the house?” “Nope, you got 20 seconds. “Clock starts now. “19, 18, 17, 16, 15…” I say, “You got to be shitting me.” He said, “I’m not, but I will.” “Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait!” I don’t wanna go to the bathroom at the airport, but I don’t have a choice. The reason why I don’t wanna go to the bathroom at the airport is because I don’t want people taking pictures of me going to the bathroom and coming out, posting it. #KevinHartStinkybutt. People play too much. Social media shit has gotten out of hand. But I can’t hold it, I have to go. I make the decision to use the bathroom at the airport. I’m in the bathroom stall, right? Once again, people, you cannot make shit like this up. [TOILET FLUSHING] This is what it looks like, people. No, I’m for real, this is a life-size photo. This is really what it looks like. This is how small I am on an actual toilet. I’m in the bathroom. It’s 6:30 in the morning. I’m by myself. By myself. It’s quiet. It’s just like this. Quiet. This is what I hear outta nowhere. “Yo, Kev Hart, how long you gonna be, man? “I wanna get a picture with you when you come out.” Immediately I put my feet up. I did this right here. I said, if he can’t see my feet, he’ll go away. He’s like, “Come on, man, I saw your feet already. “I know you’re in there. “Just gimme a timeframe. “How long you gonna be?” “Gimme like 15, 20 minutes, man.” “Come on, man, that’s too long. “My flight leaves in like 10 minutes. Just pinch it. “Pinch it off for me.” “What the fuck? “What? No, man. “Ain’t nobody’s pinching nothing, man. “Just get outta here.” “Kev, don’t do me like that. “I’m your biggest fan, man. “I support everything you do. “What would you do if you was me?” “I would let me shit by myself, man. “Just get outta here.” He said, “Kev, come on. “You know what? “This is what I’ma do, I’ma get my picture real quick. “I’m just gonna put my phone over the stall, “I’ma snap a picture real quick.” The fear that went through my body of looking up and seeing a camera flash. Oh, my God, I was scared because I didn’t put toilet paper on the toilet seat. I didn’t have time. I didn’t want that picture to get out ’cause I didn’t want my fan base to know that I be raw-butting these toilet seats sometimes. I said y’all gonna lose respect for me if you find out that I be raw-butting these toilet seats. Listen, the reason why I had to go to the bathroom was because I drank coffee. I don’t drink coffee. My lady drinks coffee. She had a vanilla latte, I tasted it. I said, “God damn, babe. That’s good. What is that?” She said, “A vanilla latte.” I said, “Yo, I’m gonna get me one. “Where’d you get it from?” She said, “Starbucks.” I said, “I’m going.” She said, “Babe, “I should go with you ’cause you’ve never been.” “Girl, shut up. I’m grown, “I’ma go by myself.” “No, babe, I’m serious. “You don’t know how it works there. Let me go with you.” “Girl, shut up. I’m fine.” I get in the car, I drive to Starbucks. She keeps calling me while I’m on the way to Starbucks. “You get there yet?” “You okay?” “You need my help?” Now I’m getting nervous. Like, what the fuck is this place? I’m really getting nervous. I get to Starbucks, I’ve never seen anything like it. I open the door, it’s mayhem. All I hear is noise. “Gimme the frappe whap. “Frappe whap. “Frappe what, frapped lat. “Frappe whap, fat lat.” I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m scared. I’m in line. I don’t even know how I got in line, but I’m there. I’m like, in the middle. I’m trying to fit in, but I know I don’t. I’m sweating. I’m next. Here’s what I don’t like. I don’t like the pressure that the barista put on me for not knowing the lingo. It’s my first time ever going to Starbucks, people. My first time. I’m like, “Good morning. “Um… “It’s crowded, right? Shit. “Um, what do I want? “Let me get a… “Let me get a vanilla lattet.” “I’m sorry, sir, what’d you say?” “Is it… “Lemme get a vanilla latex. “Lattet. Let me get that.” “You mean latte?” “Yes, that’s what I mean. “Let me get a small vanilla latte.” “Okay, sir, that’s one tall vanilla latte.” “No. That’s not what I want. “I don’t want a tall, I want a small.” “Sir, a tall is a small.” “No, it’s not. “If that’s the case, I would be tall. “Tall is tall, a small is small.” You know what, I don’t wanna cause a rut. “Whatever your version of a small is, lemme get that.” “How would you like that, sir? “Would you like that iced or hot?” Fuck is going on, man? What you talking about? Like, when I get nervous, I just repeat shit. “Would I like it iced or hot? “Would I like it iced or hot? “Fuck. Um… “Shit. “How would you get it?” The lady behind me was like, “Mmm.” She only had one shoulder. I stopped talking to her immediately. I said, “Let me get it iced.” She said, “What’d you say?” I said, “Hot. “Hot ice. Icy hot. “Put it together like that. “That’s how I want it. That’s how I drink it.” “Sir, would you like it whipped or blended?” [SINGSONG] “Would I like it whipped or blended? “Shit. “Fuck. “Would I like it whipped or blended? [IN NORMAL VOICE] “You know what, whip it. “Whip it, whip it real good. Just do that.” “Sir, for $2 more, do you wanna make it a skinny?” “Well, you know, I ain’t trying to leave with the fat bitch. “Do what you gotta do, man.” “Sir, what kind of milk would you like? “Would you like whole milk, skim milk, 2%, soy?” “I didn’t even know there was that many milks, man. “Fuck. Shit. “What, you all got the heat on? “God damn, my fucking ass is sweating. “Can you back up? “God damn, back up! “You don’t see I’m trying to take this test? “Shit. “How many? You say there’s four milks? “Fuck. “Put them all in there. Give me every milk you’ve got. “I want every goddamn milk you got. Put it in there.” “Sir, would you like to cut it with caramel, put cinnamon on top?” “You know what? I just want to cancel it. “I don’t even know what I have at this point. “Am I getting a latte or am I baking a fucking cake? “Just let me… “Let me get a banana. “Can I get that banana? “Just put some water in my hand “so I can put it on my face real quick.” “You want that water to be hot or cold?” “What the fuck is your problem, man? “God damn! Will you back up? “Back up! “Shit! “Relax, bend your knees.” “I can’t bend my knees because I got attacked by an orangutan.” The black girl popped out. “Orangutan? “Really?” [AUDIENCE ECHOING] I’m gonna be honest with y’all. I don’t like people that drink Starbucks coffee. I really don’t. Matter of fact, if you’re a real Starbucks drinker and you’re here tonight, make some noise. If you’re a real Starbucks drinker. [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Okay, all of y’all can suck my balls. I wanted you all to know who I was talking to. Here’s my question. Who the fuck do you think you are? Like, do you hear what you order? Do you hear what you’re asking people to bring you back? Have you ever made an innocent Starbucks run for somebody? You don’t even drink it, you’re just being nice. “Hey, man, I’m going to Starbucks real quick. I’ma get a bottle of water. “Somebody want something?” It’s always one guy. You can tell he drinks way too much coffee ’cause he got too much energy. [GRUNTS] “Hey! Yay! Hey-yay-yay! “You going to Starbucks? “You going to Starbucks? You going to Bucky’s? “Do me a favor, man. Let me get a, um… “Let me get a caramel macchiato. “Caramel macchiato. “Light ice. Not heavy. “If it’s heavy, I’m not gonna drink it. “Do me a favor. “Tell ’em to put a little bit of soy in it. “Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go… [SMACKS LIPS] “‘Oh, boy.’ Okay? “Three whips. “Take that third whip to the top of the lip “so I can take a sip, you got it? “You ain’t got it. I’ma say it one more time. “Caramel macchiato. “Caramel macchiato. “Light ice. Not heavy. “If it’s heavy, I’m not gonna drink it. “Do me a favor. “Tell ’em to put a little bit of soy in it. “Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go… [SMACKS LIPS] “‘Oh, boy.’ Okay? “Three whips. “Take that third whip to the top of the lip “so I can take a sip, you got it?” “Let me make sure I got it. “Let me say it back to you. “Black coffee. Did I get it? “Is it black coffee? “‘Cause if you think I’ma go across the street and say what you just said, “you can suck the back of my dick twice on a Tuesday. “Not a lot, just with a little bit of soy. “Enough for you to suck my dick and go… [SMACKS LIPS] ‘Oh, boy.’ “When you get to the top of my dick, “slow down so I can know you really sucked that shit.” Philadelphia, my name is Kevin Hart. Thank you! [AUDIENCE CHEERING] [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] Thank you! God damn it, thank you! I love y’all! Thank you, man! [AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING] Thank you! From the top of this goddamn stadium to the bottom, thank you! I love y’all, man! I’ll tell you what, Philadelphia. This is a fucking moment, dude. This is a moment. You hear me? It’s a moment. When you look around this room tonight, what I love the most is that I see every race, ethnicity, nationality possible. You hear me? I see some of everybody. We all came under the same roof and we laughed tonight. If you can laugh together, you can live together. If you can live together, you can love together. I live by those rules, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t see that shit happen tonight. In my city, I made fucking history, goddamn it. I’m in the record books, you hear me? I am in the record books. My name is Kevin Hart, and this has been the best night of my fucking life. You hear me? Thank you all. I appreciate you so goddamn much. Good night. Peace. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-tickle-fight-2017-full-transcript/ | CRAIG FERGUSON: TICKLE FIGHT (2017) – Full Transcript | craig ferguson | Comedian and Emmy-winning television host Craig Ferguson brings his quick wit and offbeat humor to the stage as he returns with his second Netflix original one-hour stand-up special. Performing before a packed-house at Montreal’s Ludger-Duvernay Theatre at the 2017 Just For Laughs Festival, Ferguson tackles topics including the challenges of growing a beard, his love of hating magicians, coming of age in the 70’s, social media angst, and sharing what he believes to be the oldest joke in the world. [“Can your Pussy Do the Dog” by the Cramps playing] ♪ Here kitty, kitty ♪ ♪ You better move along… ♪ ♪ At the break of dawn ♪ ♪Now doggone it, baby… ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the hound dog, baby? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog… ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Well this whole mess useless now as a whistle on a plow ♪ ♪ If your pussy can’t do the dog… ♪ [applause] [audience cheering] [chuckles] Hey, you. Hi, everybody! Hi! Look at me going backwards and forwards to annoy the cameramen. [audience laughs] I’m very happy to be here with you tonight. I– Do you know why I’m doing this? I’ll tell you why I’m doing this. It’s absolutely true. I used to start every show with “It’s a great day for America.” When I was touring around America, I’d say, “It’s a great day for America,” and that’s what I’d say. And then… right about November… [audience laughing] [applause] Yeah. Right? All right, all right. Right about November of last year, I’d say “It’s a great day for America,” and people would go fucking crazy! At each other! So I started doing this… in case anyone has a scope. [audience laughs] It’s a very difficult time, of course, for talking about– What I do for a living– You talk, people get very angry. People are very– The world is divided right now. Divided. You know, 70 percent of people are like, “Boo!” And 30 percent of people are like, “Bah!” They were like that before. But the world is divided over his opinion right now, and it’s very difficult to make everybody happy. You know what I’m talking about, right? We know who I’m talking about here. That’s right. My beard. [audience laughs] But it’s not a beard, everybody. It is not a beard. It is a mustache with an [French accent] accoutrement. [audience laughs] ‘Cause, you know, this what happened. I grew a mustache, and then I was like, “Oh, that is too fucking creepy.” So… so I had to go an extra bit to kind of bring it down a little bit, but I can’t really grow a beard. See? Look. Come on. Oh, my God. Look at your beard, you handsome fuck. No, you. It’s not TV. I can fucking see you. That is a great– See, I wish I could grow a beard like– Look at it! Jeez! You grow a beard like taking a shit, right? Like, “Foom! Pfft! Beard.” This is two years. Like, the mustache comes pretty fast. I’m like,”Look at my mustache. I look dashing but weird and creepy like The Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,” but… I heard this takes a long time, but I’ve got– This is a mustache with an accoutrement. I’ve got other mustaches all over my body. I do! I have a handle bar mustache under each nipple. I have a whiz bang on my ass. That’s a whiz bang mustache. You know what I’m talking about, right? Whiz bang mustache; a curly mustache with a curly bang– a whiz bang. Not the wiz bang sex thing. Which I think is a thing. Yeah, wiz bang’s gotta be a sex thing. Like, a wiz bang. I think a wiz bang is when you have sex with someone from a Harry Potter film, and… and then you shout, “Wiz bang!” at the end. “Wiz bang! Ten points to Gryffindor.” [audience laughing] “No, thank you, Hagrid.” [audience member hoots] I’m covered in mustaches all over my body. People are outraged, but I don’t care. Got a little Hitler mustache above my junk. I do! Yeah, I do! Why not? I got Hitler mustache above my junk, which is great, because when I get excited, it looks like I’m giving a Nazi salute in my pants. [chuckling] [German accent] “Hi, baby. I’ll have sex with you now.” “Oh come on, Craig. You can’t make fun of the Germans.” Yes, I can. It is the only group of people left on Earth you can make fun of. It is! You can’t make fun of fat people, or thin people or mi– Short people. You can’t say “short.” “No, don’t say it.” “I’m not going to!” You can’t make fun of anyone! Actually, not even Germans. They have to be Germans from the 1940s. [audience laughs] No, you can make fun of Germans. They don’t care. Like, [German accent] “Oh, it’s okay. Make fun of us. It’s all right. Pull our hair. Tweak our whiz bangs.” Germans don’t give a flat fuck what I think. That’s my new thing I say to appeal to kids. Flat fuck. Hashtag: F-F. “Flat fuck” is probably a sex thing, too. Yeah. [chuckles] A flat fuck… is sex in a British apartment. [audience laughing] [British accent] “I say, would you like to have a flat fuck? And by ‘flat,’ I mean ‘apartment,’ and by ‘fuck,’ I mean ‘tea.'” So… [chuckles] [Southern accent] “So, you’d like me to have tea with ya in your apartment, and not sex in any way.” [British accent] “Absolutely.” “Whiz bang this way. Walk this way.” No, I am covered in hair. It’s all right. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. Everything’s going to be all right. I have facial hair, which is– Really, it’s interesting. When I was doing the late night show, people would get so angry when I was– I could talk about anything else. I could talk about religion, or politics, or anything. They’re like, “It’s all right. He’s just a douchebag from a different country.” But… when I grew facial hair, people would go crazy. Cat ladies were like, “Ah!” They were like that anyway, but still! Even today. You know, on the on the internet, on Twitter, which is usually such a supportive forum of… [audience laughing] Somebody on Twitter said– I’m going to go on with the show in a minute. I will. Somebody on Twitter said, “Craig, that facial hair makes your mouth look like a horizontal threadbare vagina.” [sparse laughter] [laughter increases] [applause] [chuckling] I realize half of the guys in this room are like, “What the fuck is he doing? Why’s he touching the side of his mouth like that? That’s weird. Is that a European thing?” “Yeah!” [chuckles] People get very– Cat ladies would get so mad. [stammers] “Craig, you can’t have a mustache,” they used to tweet. “You can’t have a mustache. Tom Selleck has the mustache. That was a real one. Tom Selleck has the mustache.” I’m like, “It’s not their mustache.” It’s not like The Highlander: [Scottish accent] “There can be only one.” Anybody can have a mustache. Come on. I don’t know why cat ladies get so annoyed at me having a mustache. Anyway, what the fuck is a cat? A cat’s, like, 80 percent mustache. That’s what a cat is. A mustache, asshole, and claws. That’s what a cat is. It’s also the name of my lawyers. So no illegal videotaping, or you’ll be getting– I don’t know. There’s kind of a rumor amongst the cat ladies that I don’t like cat ladies, which is not true. It’s not true at all. I was raised by a cat lady. Well, you know, not really. My grandmother was a cat lady. She didn’t have a cat, but she was an angry, unpleasant bitter woman, and I think that kind of counts. I had my first sexual experience at my grandmother’s house. Oh, not like that! Don’t be so sick! A little bit like that. No, not like that! No, I was at my grandmother’s house. I used to stay there after school, because my mom had a job. So my grandmother used to look after me, but she didn’t have time to really look after a little kid that was a fat little annoying boy. She had angry letters to write and stuff, so… This is before Twitter. It was a tough time for cat ladies. So she used to leave me alone and what I would always do is I found the Sears catalog, the Scottish Sears catalog, and I used to go to the ladies’ underwear section of the Scottish Sears catalog. It was very erotic. Big giant robust women, in whalebone corsets… standing around in fields pretending to eat apples. [audience laughing] I’ve got a bit of a stiffy just talking about it right now. [chuckling]
There’s kind of a rumor with the cat ladies. What I’m saying is the cat– By the way, the cat ladies think that I don’t like cats, which is not true. I love cats. I’ve got a cat. I’m not one of these guys that, like– Guys say this. They’re like, [deep voice] “I don’t like cats. I don’t trust them.” Trust is a human concept. I have three dogs. I wouldn’t lend them money. [audience laughs] [as a dog] “It was just ’til the end of the week.” No! You can’t trust animals like that. They think differently. You can’t trust of hamster with your weed. [audience laughing] I learned that the hard way. I will say this: I love all God’s creatures, or all the universe’s creatures, whatever your belief system is, but I… I don’t care for hamsters. That’s the only one. I don’t like them. They’re bastards. I don’t like hamsters. I was raised– I wasn’t raised by hamsters. [laughs] That would be great, though, if I was. Like, “Why does he do that all the time?” [chuckles] No, I hated hamsters when I was growing up, because they break your heart, hamsters. They’re little bastards. ‘Cause they all– they keep– They’re suicidal. All hamsters want to do is die. We went through one a month. Every time you got hamster, all it wants to do is get behind the refrigerator and die! We moved house when I was about 16. We moved the refrigerator, there was a pile of hamster bones behind it. And they had formed into a church. [audience groans] You’re right. That got a little too dark. But you know, it’s worth trying. Anyway, let’s go on with the show. Right? We’ll go on. Here’s the thing. No, here’s the thing. If you’ve ever seen me before, you’ll know that you’re in for an evening of crushing disappointment. [audience laughs] Maybe that’s if you had sex with me before. I’m joking, of course. If you’ve ever see me before, you’ll know what I like to do with the evening is tell a joke. Just one. That’s all I usually have time for, because I get easily sidetracked. But I do have a joke for you this evening, and I’m very excited about it, because it is, in fact, the oldest joke in the world. [audience] Woooo! Wait, don’t do ghost noises. I don’t want to get scared! But It is the oldest joke in the world. I don’t know if it’s the old– Here’s the thing. My friend Cara is an Egyptologist, right? And she’s in Egypt, because… why not? Very little point in going to Winnipeg if you’re an Egyptologist. “Find any pyramids and shit?” “Not a thing.” So, she’s in– she’s in Egypt, she called me up and said, “We are on an archaeological dig right now, and we believe we have found the remains of a public bathroom.” I was like, “Oh, weird.” She went, “Yeah, but even weirder, on the wall written in Hieroglyphics, is a joke.” I was like, “Wow.” I don’t know if it’s the oldest joke, but it’s the first written joke in the world. Before this joke, jokes were told in the oral tradition, which would never work today, but they are– [audience laughs] But it’s the first written joke. And of course, it was a huge change in human society when jokes arrived, and they started writing them down. Writing changed everything. You know, and it was a huge leap forward. You know, and it split down the middle. Some people really were for writing. Like, “Writing is going to be great! Writing is going to change everything. Sooner or later we’ll get to the enlightenment through writing.” And then there were people who didn’t like writing. They were like, “No, we don’t like it.” At least, we think they thought that. They left no record of how they actually felt. But you know there were people against even writing. There would be people like, “Oh, I don’t know if it’s a good idea. All this writing’s gonna lead to fornicating.” [audience laughs] They always do. You know, it’s always whenever something arrives, anything at all, whenever there’s any change, humans are against it. It’s the only thing that unites all humans, is their hatred of change. Which I think is really weird, because it is the only thing you can absolutely guarantee: That there’s going to be change. There’s always going to be change. For example, in America, in November of last year… [audience laughs] [chuckles] …there was a bit of a change. Don’t worry, I’m not getting into the politics of it. I’m not that guy. I’m not going to think it, but I have to say this. When I saw that, I was like, “Hmm. Shit.” I have only ever regretted leaving late night once. [audience cheering] When I heard… [applause] When I heard… When I heard Donald Trump was running for president, I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me?” [audience laughs] That’s like when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face. It’s just beautiful. I mean, come on! That’s a gift. I used to have to work at monologues. Now this fucker runs for president? [audience laughs]
And I knew right away. I knew right away he was gonna win. Right away I knew. Other people were like, “No, he’s not gonna win.” I knew he was gonna win right from the very first debate. The very first one. The first Republican debate, when it was Jeb Bush, said to Donald Trump– Remember Jeb Bush? Wasn’t he adorable and non-threatening? Jeb Bush said to Donald Trump, he said, “Uh… Donald, you said something bad about Mexico, and my wife is Mexican, I would like you to apologize to her.” And Trump said, “No.” [audience laughs] I was like, that’s it. He’s gonna fucking win. And I– You know, it always happens. I’m thinking, “Jeb, you fucking idiot. You idiot. You have painted yourself into a corner. You said to a man, ‘Apologize to my wife.’ That man said, ‘No.’ Now you have to fucking hit him. It’s in the Constitution of the United States!” [applause]
I knew he was going to win. I knew– I knew he was going to win. I was like, “Oh, fuck.” Just that amount of self-confidence. I know America. I’m American. I’ve studied Americans. They like someone who’s confident. It doesn’t matter if they’re right. Just confident. It’s that level of self-confidence is unbelievable to me. I was watching him, I’m like, “How often does somebody like that turn up?” [audience laughs] I mean, it’s that level of confidence. Look, you can like him or hate him, or you can agree with him or not agree with him, but… that’s inspirational. Do you think he ever wakes up like a normal human being at four o’clock in the morning, and thinks, “Maybe I’m a dick.” I don’t think so. I think he wakes up and goes, “I’m not a dick.” Everybody thinks that, but I don’t think he does. I think he’s totally confident. Like, “Oh I’m not a dick.” And even like half of his own party are calling him a dick, and everybody from half of the world is calling you a dick. Maybe more. You know, it was so difficult for me as well. I felt personally that I’d been shortchanged, because where I come from, in Glasgow in Scotland, the word “trump” means “shit.” [audience laughing] You’d say, “I had Indian food last night. I’ve been trumpin’ my brains out all day.” Or, “Ah, shit! That seagull just trumped in my hair.” No, that’s not true. But if somebody tweets it… [applause] That’s right. That’s how stuff becomes true now, everybody. Tweet it, retweet it, retweet it, fucking true. [audience laughs] See, it used to be… in the old days of journalism– you young kids won’t remember this, but in the old days of journalism, they used to do something called “fact checking.” And fact checking, what they would do is they find out if something was true first before they reported it. Isn’t that adorable? [audience laughs] Now it’s like, “Got to be first!” Like, “Is it true?” “Who fucking cares? Get it up there! Quickly! First! Tweet, retweet, tweet!” It’s on the website. “Boom, boom!” Right? It’s on Buzzfeed, right next to “Six Celebrities who are taller than you’d think.” [audience laughing] “Wow, Reese Witherspoon is six-foot-one? I can’t believe it.” Oh, she is. She is. We can make that happen. Like, if we start tweeting tonight, “Reese Witherspoon is six-foot-one,” in about a month, she’ll be six-foot-fucking-one. She’ll be going for jobs as, like, this sassy blonde, and they’ll be like, “No, she’s too tall.” “What height is she?” “Six-foot-one.” “Are you sure?” Reese Witherspoon will google herself, and go, “What the fuck is going on?” I’ve never met her, but I’m sure that’s how she talks. “What the fuck is going on?” and then she’ll, like a little hamster, then she’ll go behind the refrigerator. All right, all right. You’re right. That was too dark. Anyway, look, the point is, I think I’m gonna shave my beard off. -[audiene oohs] -Oh! Excuse me? Did I say, “Let’s have an audience poll”? [audience laughs] No. I think I’m gonna have to shave it off. I’ll tell you why. Because I have a 16 year old son– I have two sons, but one of them 16, and he said something to me about my beard, and I’m like, “You…” [audience laughs] He said– he said, “Dad, I like your beard.” I was like, “Mm-hmm.” He was like, “Yeah. Makes you look like a magician.” [audience laughing] “Fuck you.” That’s how you deal with teenagers, parents. You know, good parenting: “Fuck you.” [chuckles] ‘Cause he knows– ’cause he knows I hate magic and I hate magicians. Oh, yeah. “Ta-da.” “Fuck off.” I don’t like it. “Oh, what’d you call–” “Put them away!” “Look what’s in my hat.” I don’t care what’s in your fucking hat. See, now I tell people that I don’t like magic and magicians, and they’re like, “Craig, what are you talking about? You love magic. You love magicians. You’re the only late night host in the history of late night television that had Magic Week twice a year for ten years. You are the magician’s friend.” Au contraire, motherfuckers. [audience laughs] No, I don’t like magic and magicians. I didn’t have Magic Week on the late night show because I like magic and magicians. I had Magic Week, ’cause my friend Chris likes tequila. Let me explain. I couldn’t tell this story before, because it’s technically illegal. It’s illegal. What’s CBS going to do? Fire me? It’s too late. So, here’s the thing. -[audience cheers] -Thank you, everybody. [applause] [chuckling] So here’s the story. Here’s what happened. This is true. This is why it happened. Just when I started doing the late night show, my friend Chris went to Las Vegas for the first time. Uh, he’s a nice kid from Wisconsin. Crazy, lovely guy, and he never been to Las Vegas before. So he went, and he was there for the first time, and he loved it. It was fantastic. He was staying at the MGM Grand, the one with the big lions and stuff. And his first morning there, he goes down to the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. I don’t have you been to Vegas, but it’s very classy, and you can eat anything you want. And he’d never been, and he was like, “So I can have anything? Anything at all for breakfast? Anything?” And they’re like, “Yeah.” “Okay, I’ll have tequila. Ha-ha-ha.” And they thought he was cute, so they gave him tequila. Which is not a good idea. You should never– Kids, never have tequila for breakfast. Tequila for breakfast can lead to tequila for mid morning snack, and… What happened is that Chris started drinking tequila at 9:00 a.m., which is very bad idea. And right at about two o’clock in the afternoon, he did something which you should never do on tequila. He had an idea. [audience laughing] Here’s what happened. He was like… [mutters] And he goes outside, ’cause he thought, “I have to see a bit of outside.” He goes outside, and the complimentary limousine for the MGM is outside. And the driver isn’t in it, but he left the engine running, because of the air conditioning. So the engine’s running, and it’s got “complimentary limousine” written on it, and he thinks… “Well, if it’s complementary… That’s French for ‘free,’ isn’t it? [French accent] Complementary. I’ll take it!” So he got in the limousine, and he drove it away. [audience laughs] That’s not allowed. He drove this complimentary limousine away, and he was driving down The Last Vegas Strip, and he’s like, he starts– He’s not a bad guy. Chris is a good guy. He starts to go, “Wait a minute. What have I done?” He’s got “Bad Chris” on one shoulder, and “Good Chris” on another shoulder. Bad Chris is like, “Yeah, let’s make for the border! Ha-ha! Fuck everybody!” And Good Chris is going, “Chris, what are you doing?” ‘Cause Good Chris is gay. [audience laughing] That doesn’t make any sense. I’m sorry. [chuckling] What are you doing, Chris? Eventually, Good Chris won the day. And Chris is like, “Oh, my God. I can’t do this,” so he stops the car. This is true. He stopped the car in the middle of the Las Vegas Strip, and he got out and there’s fucking helicopters and cops chasing him, He was like, “It’s fucking going off!” and he put his hands up, and he did what many– certainly I might do in that situation, he put his hands up and he started to cry. Big salty wet tears falling down. But unfortunately, the Last Vegas Police Department have seen a grown man cry before. [audience laughing] And their hearts did not grow three sizes that day. And they took my friend Chris, and they put him in jail. In jail. Chris can’t go to jail. He’s a beautiful, smooth kid. He’s gorgeous. I mean, he’s really a handsome guy. I’m not gay, but I’d start a tickle fight with him, see where it went. Oh, we’re tickling. Ha-ha, buddy. We’re tickling. Ooh, we’re kissing. Okay, we’re kissing. [audience laughing] That’s all right. It’s cool. [laughs] Anyway, here’s the thing. As they take Chris and put him in jail, he’s freaking out. So, you know, he’s like– They say, “Okay you get to make one telephone call. Only one.” And he’s freaking out, he’s still kind of drunk on tequila, and he can only remember one telephone number. The place where he works. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS. That’s true. So I got a call in my office that afternoon. This guy says, “Will you accept a call from The Last Vegas City Jail?” I was like, “You bet I will! [audience laughs] [applause] Yes, indeed! I was wondering what the monologue was going to be tonight. Yeah!” So, well… I actually thought it was family, so I– [audience laughs] But it was Chris, and he was like, “Man, I fucked up! I’m in a jail in Vegas. I’m in a lot of trouble. I stole a car, and oh man, it’s bad.” I was like, “Chris! Oh my God! This is awful. Don’t start any tickle fights, don’t look at them in the eye. Don’t worry buddy, I’m gonna come get you. I’m going to get you out of there, buddy. You hang tight.” He’s like, “Okay,” and I hung up, then I thought, “I’m not going to Vegas.” [audience laughs] Then I thought, “I gotta get him out of there. He’s way too smooth to be in jail in Las Vegas.” No– You know, he’s not equipped for that kind of thing, so… I thought, “How am I going to get him out?”
I don’t know if you know this about me, but in the 1980s, [chuckles] I worked in Manhattan. I worked in the Manhattan Island area of New York City, and I was still “waiting on my green card confirmation.” [audience laughing] and so I worked in construction for some guys who had an informal employment arrangement, and… [audience laughs] I kept in touch with one of the guys from the life back in the 80s, so I called up this guy– You know, let’s call him “Tony.” I call up Tony, and I’m like, “Hey, Tony. It’s Craig. He was like, “Hey, what’s a come and a go? Tutti frutti. Ay-ya-ya. Ay, ha-ha! Oh, icecream!” He’s Italian. I call up Tony, and tell him about Chris. He’s like, “I don’t know anybody in Las Vegas.” I was like, “Oh, no.” But he said he did know a guy in Philly who might be able to help, so we called up his friend in Philly. Let’s call him “Carmine.” [audience laughs] Also Italian. But Carmine didn’t know anyone in Vegas, either, but he did know a guy in Chicago. I’m like, “All right.” We get on the line and call this guy in Chicago. Let’s call him “Frankie.” Um… So, we got– [chuckles] And Frankie does actually know a guy in Las Vegas, We call up this guy– That– This is what happened. Three Italians and a Scotsman on the– It’s not even a joke! That’s what was happening. [audience laughs] And we call up this guy in Las Vegas. I swear, it’s true. A judge in Las Vegas that you know, Frankie knows. And… I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but it’s true. This is how you know it’s true, ’cause it’s so outlandish, you’re like, “That can’t be true.” But it’s true. The judge was completely honest, and in no way open to a bribe. [audience laughs] I was like, “This is fucking Las Vegas we’re talking about, right?” But the judge was like, “No, I can’t help you, fellas.” But we got talking, and threatening, and… [audience laughs] And eventually, it turned out that– I swear this is true. It could only happen in America. It could really only happen in Las Vegas. It turned out the judge was not only a judge. He also represented magicians. [audience laughs] [chuckles] I swear it’s true. Now, the magicians that this judge represented, they weren’t kind of like, you know, white tiger magicians or David Copperfield, or anything like that. They were off the strip magicians. You know, North Las Vegas magicians. Guys that were jumping out of dumpsters, going, “Eh!” So we talk to this judge, and the judge says, “All right, Craig. I’ll tell you what. You book Magic Month– A month of my magicians, and I’ll let your buddy walk.” I’m like, “Magic Month?” He went, “Magic Month.” I went, “Fuck it, Judge. Hang him.” [audience laughs] So we argue a little bit. We get it down to Magic Week. And I book five of these shitty magicians, and Chris walks, and… What was he really guilty of, anyway? High spirits in Las Vegas? Well, the judge pointed out technically it was grand theft auto and a DUI. One to five in Nevada, first time. I know. Tickle fight. That’s how, you know– That’s how I had Magic Week, because I had to get Chris out of jail. Now, I know that explains one Magic Week. It doesn’t explain Magic Week twice a year for ten years. It’s not like I was running a crime syndicate in Las Vegas. What happened was, I booked five of these shitty magicians, but if you remember that late night show, shitty magicians was kind of the vibe I was going for. [audience laughs] But when I tell people, “I don’t like magicians.” They’re like, “Craig, you love magicians. Who are you, man? You like cats. You’ve got more than one mustache. You hate magicians? You’re not the guy we made up in our heads when we were watching free TV when we were high. [audience laughs] We don’t recognize you.” And I understand. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I’m 55 years old for God’s sake. [audience hoots] How dare you? Ooh, still not dead. Look at you. No, 55. I was like, “I should have been dead a while ago, I think, really.” Thanks. No! I don’t know what happened. I’ve changed beyond all recognition. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I don’t– I don’t fuck around. I don’t take drugs. I don’t gamble. I don’t eat meat. I don’t do dairy. I’ve got Mormons coming up to me saying, “You should lighten the fuck up, pal.” [audience laughing] [applause] [chuckling]
You know what it is? It’s– Los Angeles did it to me. Los Angeles turned me into a pussy. Actually, I kind of stopped drinking before I went to LA. Stopped taking drugs before I went there. Stopped taking drugs before– Scotland, really, I did all the drugs. That’s right. I did all the drugs in Scotland. No, I did all the drugs. Like, “Does anyone have some heroin?” They’re like, “No, Craig’s taken it all.” “But we want to do Trainspotting.” “Sorry.” I did a lot of drugs in Scotland. That’s– that’s where I needed them. Not to escape the violence, and Sectarian hatred. You get used to that. [audience laughs] It’s like living next to the airport. Hardly notice it after a while. [screams] What, what? Oh, ha-ha. Yeah, yeah. No, I needed drugs in Scotland. Not to escape that kind of stuff, but to escape my mother’s sense of interior design. Now remember, I came of age in the 1970s, the worst design period in human history. It was awful. It was a terrible time to do it. You young hipsters bring it back even fucking ironically. It was a terrible time in the 1970s. It was awful. Life was hell. They had nylon bed sheets in the 1970s. What kind of madness is that? Nylon bed sheets? That’s crazy! When I was staying at my grandmother’s house, when I was 16, I used to have to sleep in the spare bedroom. There were nylon sheets on that bed, and I was in there, I was 16, with a Sears catalog. [audience laughs] You got a teenage boy and a Sears catalog, there’s going to be friction. And fiction plus nylon equals electricity. [audience laughing] I thought Jesus was angry with me. [applause] It was a terrible time in 1970s. Everyone had sideburns. Everyone had sideburns! Men had sideburns, women had sideburns. Everyone was covered in hair. It was terrible. Everyone was hairy. It’s true. If you look at 70s porno, it looks like a documentary about bears. [audience laughs] [chuckles] No, I came of age during the– There’s this terrible period in human design, and then you combine that with my own Mother’s– Listen, I loved my mother. I did, but she had the design instincts of a Middle Eastern dictator. Maybe worse, even. If Saddam Hussein had come to her house, he’d have been like, “This is a bit over the top. Don’t you think?” [audience laughing] ‘Cause Saddam Hussein talked like gay Dracula. [audience laughs] That’s so… [chuckling] My apologies to any gay vampires. [groans] [as a vampire] “Finally, a joke for us. One. One joke for us.”
It was terrible in her house, because it was the 70s, and because it was my mom’s design. Those of you that were around in the 1970s, we used to– we used to sit around the TV. A TV was like a phone, except you couldn’t get calls on it. It was weird. Uh… Uh, but we used to sit, and it was a small room and a TV, and then those of you that remember the 1970s, you’ll remember that wallpaper. You probably remember. The wallpaper with the onions? The kind of onion thing on it? There was onions and a kind of a line held together by kind of a membrane. You know I’m talking about? It was kind of like a brown and yellow kind of onion. It looked like Larry King’s testicles on the wall. Not that I’ve seen Larry King’s testicles. [audience laughing] I’ve seen one. But it was from a distance. He was running away, so… “Why are you chasing me?” “Come on Larry, let’s have a tickle fight.” [chuckles] It was like, they had a Larry King testicle wallpaper which was– Oh, my God. It was horrible. Then on the ceilings, in the 1970s, they used to put this stuff that looked like whipped cream with porridge in it. It looked like– It looked like seagulls’ shit with grit inside it or something. This– this weird ceiling gunk. It was like meringues on the ceiling. Highly flammable. You get on nylon sheets and jerk off… the whole thing would go up. [audience laughing] Ta-da! So… So, you got– [chuckles] You got that Larry King’s testicles on the wall, and there’s seagulls’ shit on the ceiling, and then shag carpeting. Shag carpeting looked like mammoth pubes on the floor. Shag carpeting the color of an Orange Julius, or perhaps a particular president. There’s, uh… There’s orange shit on the floor, the things up there, and the fucking that. It was like… [applause] It was like being on bad acid in that room. And sometimes, I was on bad acid in that room. And then, in the center of the room, there was the pièce de résistance. Which of course, as you know, is French for “piece of resistance.” [audience laughing]
Conversation piece coffee table. Everyone had one in the 1970s. We were no exception. They had to be good, right? It had to be kind of, like, a flamboyant thing. Like, “This is our little Versailles in the middle of our house.” And ours, it was meant to look like this ornate coffee table. It was meant to have four marble legs, but we couldn’t afford marble. So, it was like gray plastic with a purple line drawn on it. It was very penis-y. [audience laughing] Like four straight penises coming at ya. Sounds better than it was. [laughs] Four penis-y legs, and then– And then on top of that, a fabric which has since been outlawed since the 70s: Burgundy velveteen. It was terrible. And then it’s on top of the burgundy velveteen, a tableau made out of some kind of recycled metal, uh, of horses galloping. But it wasn’t horses galloping like that, galloping along. It was like they were coming towards you. It was their faces. Like, “Ah!” Four horses, and then on top of that, smoked glass, ’cause you gotta have smoked glass, ’cause it’s the 1970s. So, it looked like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse coming at you from some sort of dangerous volcano. It was impossible to do drugs off of that table. [audience laughs] I’d chop a line, go down to get it, see the horses, shit my pants, and run away. No. It was bad. So, you know, anyway, I don’t do drugs anymore, I don’t drink, You know, I’m cleaned up. I’m all right. I’m a vegan, for God sakes. Truth. No, save your energy, vegans. [audience laughing] [laughs] No, I am, though. I am vegan. It’s weird when you’re vegan. It makes people angry, doesn’t it? People get angry when you say– Well, Americans get angry. They’re like, “Vegan? You hate America now?” Americans get angry. Canadians… they don’t get angry. They just don’t understand the concept. Like, [Canadian accent] “Vegan. Okay! [audience laughing] Can you have bacon?” But people think you’ve joined a cult, or something, when you become a vegan. Like, “Can you have an egg?” It’s like, “I can have what I want. It is a dietary choice.” It’s not like if I have an egg, the vegan SWAT team are gonna show up. “Hi, we’re the vegan SWAT team. Oh, we’re tired.” [pants] [audience laughs] No, it’s just a choice. That’s what it is. You get old enough, you start to notice, you know, certain things have an effect on your body. For example, if I eat an egg, I don’t take a trump for three days. Oh, that’s a thing now. That’s a thing now. Yeah. It’s a thing now. [cheering, applause] That’s a thing. But you know, it’s– Then it’s the opposite if I drink milk. If I drink milk, it’s like… “Hrrrm. Hrrm, ah. Ow, ooh.” [whooshes] It’s like one of these weather guys in a hurricane or something. It’s horrible. [audience laughs] It’s just that I notice things have an effect. For me, the big one of course is alcohol. If I drink alcohol, I have an allergic reaction, which manifests itself in a craving for more alcohol. [audience laughs] And of course, that leads to more alcohol, and more alcohol. Before you know what’s happening, I wake up three days later in a shallow grave in Bogotá, with my fingers smelling like Bill Cosby. [audience laughing] [audience] Ooh. [applause] Wait, wait. You just fucking “Ooh” me? You just ooh-ed me, and then gave yourself a round of applause for ooh-ing me. “Ooh. Yeah, we showed him.” Let me just point out, it was not me that did that. [audience laughing] [imitates Bill Cosby] [applause] [chuckles] Look, what I’m saying is I don’t drink, and I don’t do drugs, I’m a vegan. You know the real reason I became a vegan? I know it’s probably not– It doesn’t behoove me to say it, but you know who I blame. Netflix… Fuckers. [audience laughing] My guess is this will be cut out. But… -[applause] -[chuckling] Welcome back from the edit, everybody. [audience laughing] [chuckling] No, you know what? Netflix is an excellent thing, isn’t it? [audience cheers] No, here’s the thing. I watched a documentary about, you know, uh, bad meat, or something, on Netflix. And I’m like, “Oh, no.” I stopped eating meat for a couple days, and then I tried to go back, and I can’t. It’s still in my mind. I keep thinking about it. It’s like the Sears catalog, but like food. Can’t get it out of my head. Can’t go back. Netflix has changed me. It’s changed me. Because of Netflix, I had to go to Japan. [audience member] Woo!
-Let me explain. -[audience laughs] This is a true story. I– When I was about 13 years old, when I was 13, my father and I went on a father-son trip, the only one we ever took, to visit my uncle James, who lived in Long Island, just outside New York. It was my first time in America. It changed me. I wanted to go there. I wanted to be part of all that. I wanted to go and live in America. So, when my– So when my own son, you know, my oldest boy turned 13, I said, “Wherever you want to go in the world, son, you and me go there. Just you and me, and we’ll go there.” And I’m hoping like, “Come on, Montreal!” [audience cheers] [applause] Or “Wherever you’re watching this on Netflix.” I was like that. [audience laughing] “Wow, how did he know we were at– Yeah, no, people really like it here. In ‘our region'” So… [audience laughs] because we– we’ve been watching Netflix, I said to my son, I said, “Anywhere you want.” And because we watch Netflix– He watches Japanese anime. He loves anime. And he loves, like, Cowboy Bebop, and Soul Eater, and I guess Pokemon, and all that stuff. It’s all this amazing stuff. He loves all that, so he said, “No Dad, I want to go to Japan.” I never really thought about going to Japan. I wasn’t for it. I wasn’t against it. It just never really occurred to me. It was like having sex with a ginger person or something. It just never really… never really came up. [audience laughing] Maybe once with Carrot Top, I thought about it for a minute, but… I don’t like props. So, they… [chuckles] But I was wrong to not want to go to Japan. I mean, Japan is amazing. Somebody here must have been to Japan. Anyone been to Japan? It’s an unbelievable place. Beautiful place. I think when Japanese people visit the west, they must think we are backward heathen Medieval savages. Just by the way we clean our bottoms. And they may have a point. I mean, look, think about this. Imagine– I wouldn’t wish this on you, but imagine you got a little piece of… trump on your hand. [audience laughs] All right. Imagine you got a little piece of shit on your hand. It can happen. I don’t know. You’re at party, a tickle fight starts, you know. Suddenly, your fist is covered in human feces. Oh come on. We’ve all been there. [laughing] I feel happy not to be on CBS. But yeah… [audience laughs] No. Imagine you got a piece of shit on you, right? You don’t you don’t get a piece of dry paper off the wall, and go, “Okay, that’s it. Clean now. Yeah, that’s good. Let’s go.” [audience laughing] That’s what you do in the bathroom in the west. Poop, scrape, done. Japanese bathroom: Entirely different experience. You go to Japanese bathroom, it is tran-scen-fucking-dental, my friends. It’s beautiful. You walk in a Japanese bathroom, the lights change. It knows you’re there, and the Enya music starts up. [hums new-age tune] It’s beautiful, and the portal opens up to another dimension. It’s unbelievable. It’s just gorgeous. And you sit down in the seat, and it is warm. Warmed by electricity. Not that fat guy in front of you at the airport. Electricity! [applause] You’re like, “This is nice,” and you do your filthy business, and then when you’re finished, it knows when you’re finished. Which I think is weird, ’cause sometimes, I don’t even know when I’m finished. [audience laughs] But it knows. And when you’re finished, and you’re done, water jets start up. Water jets from underneath. You’re like, “Oh! What’s going on?” It’s like little midget firefighters are down there. Shhh! “Come on! Let’s get it out of here!” “Not on my watch! God damn it! Come on!” Like, “Oh! Oh, my God.” [audience laughing] When that’s over, you think, “It can’t get better than that.” You are wrong. Then, when that’s over, dryers start. Dryers! [hums deeply] It’s like monks are chanting directly into your anus. [humming deeply] [growling] [audience laughing] When that’s over, you think, “It can’t get better than that.” You’re wrong again! When that’s over… Ff– poof! A mushroom cloud of scented talcum powder. [audience laughing] I was like, “Oh!” [applause] [sobbing] It’s not often I say this, but I left that bathroom a better man than walked in. [audience laughs] [chuckles] Actually, the truth is, when it was over, I just sat there, like, “My God. Wonder if I could go again.” [audience laughing] But the toilet knows. “You can go again in four hours, 23 minutes.” “See you then, Nessen 5000.” “Take care, Space Cowboy.” So, thanks for that, Netflix, I guess. I, um… Just to think about it. I’m working for Netflix. We all kind of work for Netflix now. Like, it’s changed the world. This Netflix thing. You know, being able to watch shows when you want to watch it. There’s not just Netflix. There’s Netflix and Hulu and Crackle, and you know, Ass Bandit. I don’t know, all the different ones. And they– I don’t know if Ass Bandit is one. -But you know what I mean. -[audience laughs] There’s all these different things.
You can watch whatever show you want to watch when you want to watch it, which I think is a good idea. Except… when it comes to the news. I don’t think you should be able to watch the news when you want to watch the news and what you want to watch, because it can have– that’s at the core of what’s going wrong, because all the conservatives watch Fox News so they can get the news the way they agree with it. And then all the liberals, they watch all the other media outlets to get the news the way they agree with it, and then people who don’t give a fuck just watch CNN. ‘Cause they really don’t give a fuck. That should be their thing now. [deep voice] “CNN: We don’t give a fuck.” Look out for my next special on CNN. [audience laughs]
I get my news from the BBC. -[audience cheers, applause] -That’s right. Because, like many people, I believe if I hear the news in an English accent, -I’m somehow smarter than everybody else. -[audience laughs] Kind of works, though. It kind of works, that English accent. I don’t know why it works. I’ve met plenty of stupid English people. ‘Ello, Gov’na. ‘Ello. Wanna wiz bang?” [audience laughing] But that upper class English voice, it does it every time. I don’t know why it does it to me. It shouldn’t but it does. I hear the news, and I’m like, “Oh, yeah.” It’s like when they– [British accent] “Today in America, Donald Trump said something very naughty, and everyone is very upset.” I’m like, “I can imagine they are, BBC. Thanks for the info. I’ll just make a cup of tea, put some petrol in my lorry, and go away.” It’s that voice that does it every time. If you ever want to imply dignity and bearing, you use an English upper class voice. It always works. In Star Wars, Obi Wan Kenobi when they’re trying to get the Great Jedi Knight. They used Sir Alec Guinness. With that voice it was beautiful, that, [British accent] “So… you want to be a Jedi.” Which sounds great and much better than, [Southern accent] “So you wanna be a Jedi? [audience laughing] [snorts] Feel the force, Luke.” That voice does it every time. That voice. They did it with Hannibal Lecter too in Silence of the Lambs. ‘Cause he was just serial killer, but that’s not scary enough. You want to make him a very clever serial killer that will eat you after he kills you, so he would say, you know, that voice,Tony Hopkins, [British accent] “Do you hear the lambs, Clarice?” [audience laughing] Very frightening. It’s not frightening if you just said, “Do you hear Lambs?” I was never very frightened by that anyway, to be honest. I was frightened enough, but not extra frightened. I’m frightened of serial killers, but not of cannibal serial killers, ’cause once you’re dead… [audience laughing] It’s the whole fucking point of being dead, isn’t it? Bon appétit, motherfucker. I don’t care. At that point, you know, you can get the news from CNN. You don’t give a fuck anymore. Afraid of cannibals? Kidding me? Frightened of death a little bit. Stand to toy that notion. It worries me. You young people, you don’t even think about it. Fuck you man, with your great beard. “What is death? Is that like no wifi?” Yeah. It is. [audience laughing] [chuckles] You know, in about 50 years, they’re gonna have to start burying people with their phone like that in their hand. ‘Cause if it’s not on social media, it didn’t happen. “Here’s me decomposing. [chuckles] Hashtag: Mortality.” [audience laughing] I realize being angry at young people and their technology is a sign of aging. I’m sorry. I don’t mean it. It’s just that I’m kind of annoyed at smartphones. I– I understand that they are very useful. But they’re very addictive, and I have a bad history with addiction. And I… I don’t know if anyone has a good history with addiction. “Yeah, I was addicted to heroin. It was awesome.” Uh… But I have a history with it, and I think they’re addictive, but they’re so useful. I mean, I suppose heroin’s useful as well, sometimes when you’re, “I just can’t sleep.” “Try heroin.” [audience laughs] What it is, is like, they’re so– They’re so useful they’re really useful. Like, I used one recently. Got me out of a medical emergency, my cell phone. Well, it wasn’t a medical emergency, but it was a thing. I was on the road, I was touring, and I– I developed a lump in my ass. [audience laughs] Oh, yeah, thanks. That’s a big laugh. Thanks a fucking… “Oh, ha-ha! Oh, a lump in your ass!” [cackles] No, I got a lump in my ass. It was horrible. And you know when you’re young, you get a lump in your ass, “Lump in my ass! Ha-ha! Let’s go out!” But… You get older, you think, “Lump in my ass? Is this it? Is this how I’m gonna go? -[audience laughs] -Ass lump? Is this gonna be– this gonna be my TMZ thing? ‘Oh, the curse of late night. Another ass lump. A former late night ass lump death.'” I called up my doctor in Los Angeles, and I described the lump in my ass, and he’s like, “Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Do you have a smartphone?” I was like, “Yeah! Is that it? Is it radiation in my smartphone? Is it giving me ass cancer?” He was like, “No, you idiot. You have a smartphone?” I went, “Yeah.” He said, “All right. Take a photograph of the ass lump and email it to me.” I was like… “Doctor! [audience laughing] That usually has gotta be the third date.” But… he’s a doctor, so… I got around there, thanks the Kundalini Yoga, and I took a selfie. It’s very close up. It was very, you know, it was a very kind of– Right. You wouldn’t be able to tell. Like, you wouldn’t go, “My God! An ass lump!” It was an abstract looking thing. It looked like a tie dye T-shirt, or something like that. You know what I’m talking about. Yeah. Next time you see one, you’ll remember our special evening together. [audience laughs] So anyway, I sent him a picture of my ass lump. He’s like, “Oh yeah, what you got there, Craig, is a hemorrhoid.” I was like, “Oh! I’ve never had one of those.” He was like, “Well, congratulations. You had a good long run. Now you’re one of us.” I was like, “What I do about it?” He said, “Just put some cream on it.” I said, “No, not the hemorrhoid. The photograph. -What do I do with the photograph?” -[audience laughs] He’s like, “I don’t care.” And this is how you know I’m a small-minded, petty, vindictive man, ’cause I swear this is true. I went to the caller ID section of my smartphone, and it’s the photograph that comes up when my ex wife calls me. -[audience laughing] -I swear it’s true. Doodle-loo-doo, doodle-loo-doo, doodle-loo-doo doo– [screams] The pain in my ass. [audience laughs] [chuckles] But I’m addicted to my phone, and then you try put it down, you feel it– strange shit happens to you. I had a– I had a paranormal experience because of my smartphone. Let me explain. It’s a true story. After I, uh… after I finished the late night– I quit the job one day. If you’ve ever quit a job, it’s great the day you quit, and then the day after, you’re like, “Oh, fuck.” [audience laughs] So I was in day one of “Oh fuck,” and I thought, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” What I do when I can’t think of what I’m going to do is I go on a road trip, and my best friend in the world, my buddy John, lives in a town called Prescott, Arizona, which is about– Which is about a six hour drive from LA. That’s how you know John’s old. He’s quite an old fella. Because he lives in Prescott. Everybody in Prescott is old. I fucking love going to Prescott, ’cause people I don’t know in the street call me “kid.” Like, “Hey kid, what are you doing in Prescott?” I’m like, “Just delivering newspapers, Mr. Peterson!” [audience laughing] I wear a hat with a little propeller on it and shit. Anyway, so I thought, “I’ll drive out and see John out in Prescott, Arizona.” I drive out to Prescott, and just as I’m getting there, this giant fucking western storm opens up. These huge black clouds, and, ch-ch-ch, lightning. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch! Well, you’ve seen a storm. It was like that. It was a really big one. I was like, “Oh, fuck,” and I just drive into Prescott… I decide to go and stay in the hotel I saw driving into Prescott.
I’m going to tell you the name of this hotel, ’cause you’re not going to believe the story I’m gonna tell you, and you’re gonna wanna google the name of the hotel. And this is true. The hotel is called the Hassayampa Inn. In Prescott, Arizona. Hassayampa. It’s an old Yavapai Indian word. “Hassayampa.” It means, “Follow the river as far as it goes.” Which, I don’t know why you need a word for that. [audience laughing] How often does that come up? [as Native American] “Where are you going?” “Hassayampa.” “Again?” “Shut up, Janice.” Anyway, that’s not the point. It’s called the Hassayampa Inn in Prescott, Arizona. It was a beautiful little Victorian Inn, but the rain was coming down, I was like, “Oh fuck,” so I run in, I go to the hotel, I get in there, and it’s kind of– there’s an old-timer behind the reception desk, looked like Wilford Brimley with a cat on top of his mustache. And he’s like… [grunts] And I was like, “Excuse me, sir, I haven’t booked a room. Is there any way I can stay here tonight?” And he was like, “Yeah. The place is empty. [audience laughing] You can have the bridal suite. Room 426.” I was like, “Great! I’ll take it.” I go into the bridal suite, I was like, “Wow this is beautiful.” It was a beautiful room, and like a suite, really. So I take out my smartphone to send home a picture of it, and my phone died. I’m like, “Oh, shit.” ‘Cause I left the charger in the car, and it is fucking poppin’ awful. Lightning and rain and stuff. So I call the front desk, I’m like, “Excuse me, my phone’s not working. Do you have a charger?” And the guy said, “There’s a phone in your room, sir. You’re calling me on it right now.” [audience laughing] I was like, “Yeah, all right. Never mind.” I left the charger in the car, and I thought, “I don’t want to go out to the car and get the charger. Look at the rain. You know what? I can deal without my cell phone for one night. Come on! I’m not addicted to my cell phone.” So I put my phone down, and I thought, “I have to pass the time. It’s late at night, I’m a man on my own in a hotel room. I’ll watch late night television.” I turned it on, I thought, “Nope, that’s not for me.” And then… I thought, “A man on my own… in a hotel room.” Check the sheets. They were nylon. [audience laughs] But even then I wasn’t tempted– Yeah, I’m 55. Can’t jerk off anymore. If you haven’t got someone to do it for you by now, leave it alone. [audience laughing] It’s a personal opinion. Anyway, I thought, “I can leave my smartphone alone. I’m not addicted.” And then I started to feel– Listen, you know what I’m talking about. I know withdrawal. I know what it feels like. And I was like “Wow, I fucking– This is not good.” I started to have palpitations, feel a bit panicky. I was like, “Fucking hell. This is bad. It’s about the phone?” And then I’m like… [pants] And then I started to feel real panic, like a panic attack. Like, ‘What the fuck?” I started to feel like I was seeing things out the corner of my eye, and I’m like… I was like, “Fuck this shit.” I run out into the car to get it, and the rain’s coming down, get the charger as it rains. You can see my nipples through my shirt and everything, I was like… I was gorgeous. I looked like Fabio in the front of a book. I was like, “Ah.” I got the charger, and I came back to the room, and I plugged in the phone and I waited, and the little half-eaten apple came up, I was like, “Oh, thank God…ah.” Then I was like, google something, “Reese Witherspoon’s six-foot-one. Fuckin’ A.” [audience laughs] Then I google, and you’re going to do this, I googled “The Hassayampa Inn, Prescott, Arizona,” and this is what I got. “The most haunted hotel in America.” I was like… [screams] Really! And then I read this thing, and it says, [deep voice] “Yes, the Hassayampa Inn– Very haunted. On no accounts stay in room 426, in the bridal suite. I was like… [screams] I was like, “What the fuck?” I run down to the front desk, the old-timer was there, and I said, “Has anyone ever complained about paranormal activity in room 426?” And he turned into a bat, and flew away! [audience laughs] All right, I made that bit up. I added that bit, but… apparently there’s a ghost in that room, and she doesn’t like men. If I single man is staying on his own, she’ll go into the bathroom and steal his toothbrush. I know. And I go into the bathroom, and my toothbrush had gone! Then I remembered I’m European, I didn’t have a toothbrush. But if I had… [audience laughing] It was scary is what I’m saying. Oh, shit. I never told you the joke. All right, here’s the joke. The oldest joke in the world. This is true. This is– [chuckles] Sure it’s true. Why the fuck not? You know… Everything’s true now. “Fake news!” “Fuck you it’s true.” All right… Everything’s fuckin’ true. But this is true. It is. What happened is my friend Cara, who is an Egyptologist, she calls me up from Egypt and says, “We found this joke.” I was like, “That’s great. Tell me the joke.” So she tells me the joke, but I don’t speak Ancient Egyptian. It was like, “Owl, owl, guy with a dog’s head.” And I’m like… It’s not that funny. [audience laughing] Wow, I had no idea so many Ancient Egyptians were here this evening. You guys are like, “Oh! [chuckles] Yeah, yeah. Ha-ha! Nice one! Ha-ha! Good! Finally, a joke for us. Two! Two jokes for us.” [chuckles] So she tells me the English translation of the joke, and I’m like, “That’s weird. I know that joke.” The joke was told to me by Drew Carey, one of my oldest friends. I’m like, “I thought Drew was from Cleveland.” [audience laughs] I’ve known him for 20 fucking years. He’s got a house there and everything. So I called up Drew, and I said, “Hey man, you know that– That joke you told me?” And I tell him the joke. I said, “That’s the oldest joke in the world.” And he turned into a bat flew away. [audience laughing] [chuckles] It’s getting more and more stupid, isn’t it? All right, no, this is true. What happened is, I called him up, I said, “You know that joke you told me?” And I tell him the joke. I said, “That’s the oldest joke in the world,” and he said, “That is weird.” And I said, “Yeah!” He said, “No, what’s weird about it is I didn’t tell you that joke.” I went, “What?” I said, “No, you told me that joke.” And I was like, “Shut up, Drew Carey!” And he was like, “You shut up, Craig Ferguson!” I was like, “No I won’t!” He was like, “No, I won’t!” Then we started to kind of tickle fight, then we were kissing. We were kissing. It was a really strange phone call. [audience laughs] All right. I got sidetracked. Here’s the joke. This is the joke. The way I heard the joke, it wasn’t– It wasn’t set in Ancient Egypt, but in every respect, it’s exactly the same joke. It’s about two hunters, but the way I heard about it, it was, you know, it was set in a gentleman’s club in Victorian times. It was very different to a gentlemen’s club now. You know, a gentleman’s club now is like, “Hey! Give me a dollar, I’ll give you chlamydia,” but back then… [audience laughing] Sorry, I was just doing my job. You pay extra for those seats. Um… So here’s the joke. Anyway, the joke is this: It’s two hunters: An old hunter and a young hunter, and they’re going through the trophy room of this club, you know, and the old hunter is showing off. He’s looking at the heads on the wall, and he said, “This here… This a lion that I shot in Africa. I used to be a dentist in the Midwest.” You remember that? Remember that? Do you remember that was the thing that everybody in the world was mad at? Simpler times, huh? “This a lion that I shot in Africa. It’s a very frightening story. I was just walking through the jungle, and the lion lept out at me. Came towards me, I was like, ‘Oh!’ And he’s coming towards me, Sharp-sharp claws, bitey-bitey mouth, scary eyes, I was like… [pants] and he comes very close, I take out my gun, shot him right between the eyes.” The young hunter says, “Good, sir. Good. Well done.” He was like, “Yes, yes. And this… This is a very similar story. This is a tiger. I was walking through the Jungle in India, this tiger jumped out at me, stripey face, scratchy claws, bitey mouth. Coming towards me, he’s gonna bite me! I take out my gun, and I shot him right between the eyes.” The young hunter says, “Very good, sir.” He goes, “Yeah, and here, the scariest story of all: The rhinoceros. I was walking across the Serengeti, and I heard, ‘Thumpity-thump thump. Thump, thump, thump. Thump thump thump,’ coming towards me, I turn around, it’s the rhinoceros! He’s coming towards me, big stompy feet and a big spiky. He’s coming towards me, stompy, spiky, he’s gonna kill me! I take out my gun, and I’m like, ‘Oh!’ I drop my gun, and… [screams] …and I shit myself.” [audience laughs] The young hunter says, “I would have too. That sounds terrifying.” He went, “No, not then! Right now, when I said, ‘Ah!'” To be fair, I did not say it was the best joke in the world. Jokes have improved immensely since then. But it is, in fact, the oldest joke in the world, and so, with that… we are done. [audience groans] That sounded a little bit like relief. [audience laughing] You got your one joke… and that’s all you’re going to get. Unless you get the special Netflix subscription, which gives you an extra joke. [audience laughing] Look out for that on the website. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much. I’ll see you next time. -Good night, good night, good night. -[applause] ♪ Here kitty, kitty ♪ ♪ You better move along… ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Cuz the big cats walk ♪ ♪ At the break of dawn ♪ ♪ Now doggone it, baby♪ ♪ Ooh, I said doggone ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the hound dog, baby? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪ ♪ Well this whole mess useless now as a whistle on a plow ♪ ♪ If your pussy can’t do the dog ♪ ♪ I’m the king of the jungle ♪ ♪ They call me tiger man ♪ ♪ I’m gonna do the bird ♪ ♪ If I can, if I can ♪ | [applause] [audience cheering] [chuckles] Hey, you. Hi, everybody! Hi! Look at me going backwards and forwards to annoy the cameramen. [audience laughs] I’m very happy to be here with you tonight. I– Do you know why I’m doing this? I’ll tell you why I’m doing this. It’s absolutely true. I used to start every show with “It’s a great day for America.” When I was touring around America, I’d say, “It’s a great day for America,” and that’s what I’d say. And then… right about November… [audience laughing] [applause] Yeah. Right? All right, all right. Right about November of last year, I’d say “It’s a great day for America,” and people would go fucking crazy! At each other! So I started doing this… in case anyone has a scope. [audience laughs] It’s a very difficult time, of course, for talking about– What I do for a living– You talk, people get very angry. People are very– The world is divided right now. Divided. You know, 70 percent of people are like, “Boo!” And 30 percent of people are like, “Bah!” They were like that before. But the world is divided over his opinion right now, and it’s very difficult to make everybody happy. You know what I’m talking about, right? We know who I’m talking about here. That’s right. My beard. [audience laughs] But it’s not a beard, everybody. It is not a beard. It is a mustache with an [French accent] accoutrement. [audience laughs] ‘Cause, you know, this what happened. I grew a mustache, and then I was like, “Oh, that is too fucking creepy.” So… so I had to go an extra bit to kind of bring it down a little bit, but I can’t really grow a beard. See? Look. Come on. Oh, my God. Look at your beard, you handsome fuck. No, you. It’s not TV. I can fucking see you. That is a great– See, I wish I could grow a beard like– Look at it! Jeez! You grow a beard like taking a shit, right? Like, “Foom! Pfft! Beard.” This is two years. Like, the mustache comes pretty fast. I’m like,”Look at my mustache. I look dashing but weird and creepy like The Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,” but… I heard this takes a long time, but I’ve got– This is a mustache with an accoutrement. I’ve got other mustaches all over my body. I do! I have a handle bar mustache under each nipple. I have a whiz bang on my ass. That’s a whiz bang mustache. You know what I’m talking about, right? Whiz bang mustache; a curly mustache with a curly bang– a whiz bang. Not the wiz bang sex thing. Which I think is a thing. Yeah, wiz bang’s gotta be a sex thing. Like, a wiz bang. I think a wiz bang is when you have sex with someone from a Harry Potter film, and… and then you shout, “Wiz bang!” at the end. “Wiz bang! Ten points to Gryffindor.” [audience laughing] “No, thank you, Hagrid.” [audience member hoots] I’m covered in mustaches all over my body. People are outraged, but I don’t care. Got a little Hitler mustache above my junk. I do! Yeah, I do! Why not? I got Hitler mustache above my junk, which is great, because when I get excited, it looks like I’m giving a Nazi salute in my pants. [chuckling] [German accent] “Hi, baby. I’ll have sex with you now.” “Oh come on, Craig. You can’t make fun of the Germans.” Yes, I can. It is the only group of people left on Earth you can make fun of. It is! You can’t make fun of fat people, or thin people or mi– Short people. You can’t say “short.” “No, don’t say it.” “I’m not going to!” You can’t make fun of anyone! Actually, not even Germans. They have to be Germans from the 1940s. [audience laughs] No, you can make fun of Germans. They don’t care. Like, [German accent] “Oh, it’s okay. Make fun of us. It’s all right. Pull our hair. Tweak our whiz bangs.” Germans don’t give a flat fuck what I think. That’s my new thing I say to appeal to kids. Flat fuck. Hashtag: F-F. “Flat fuck” is probably a sex thing, too. Yeah. [chuckles] A flat fuck… is sex in a British apartment. [audience laughing] [British accent] “I say, would you like to have a flat fuck? And by ‘flat,’ I mean ‘apartment,’ and by ‘fuck,’ I mean ‘tea.'” So… [chuckles] [Southern accent] “So, you’d like me to have tea with ya in your apartment, and not sex in any way.” [British accent] “Absolutely.” “Whiz bang this way. Walk this way.” No, I am covered in hair. It’s all right. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. Everything’s going to be all right. I have facial hair, which is– Really, it’s interesting. When I was doing the late night show, people would get so angry when I was– I could talk about anything else. I could talk about religion, or politics, or anything. They’re like, “It’s all right. He’s just a douchebag from a different country.” But… when I grew facial hair, people would go crazy. Cat ladies were like, “Ah!” They were like that anyway, but still! Even today. You know, on the on the internet, on Twitter, which is usually such a supportive forum of… [audience laughing] Somebody on Twitter said– I’m going to go on with the show in a minute. I will. Somebody on Twitter said, “Craig, that facial hair makes your mouth look like a horizontal threadbare vagina.” [sparse laughter] [laughter increases] [applause] [chuckling] I realize half of the guys in this room are like, “What the fuck is he doing? Why’s he touching the side of his mouth like that? That’s weird. Is that a European thing?” “Yeah!” [chuckles] People get very– Cat ladies would get so mad. [stammers] “Craig, you can’t have a mustache,” they used to tweet. “You can’t have a mustache. Tom Selleck has the mustache. That was a real one. Tom Selleck has the mustache.” I’m like, “It’s not their mustache.” It’s not like The Highlander: [Scottish accent] “There can be only one.” Anybody can have a mustache. Come on. I don’t know why cat ladies get so annoyed at me having a mustache. Anyway, what the fuck is a cat? A cat’s, like, 80 percent mustache. That’s what a cat is. A mustache, asshole, and claws. That’s what a cat is. It’s also the name of my lawyers. So no illegal videotaping, or you’ll be getting– I don’t know. There’s kind of a rumor amongst the cat ladies that I don’t like cat ladies, which is not true. It’s not true at all. I was raised by a cat lady. Well, you know, not really. My grandmother was a cat lady. She didn’t have a cat, but she was an angry, unpleasant bitter woman, and I think that kind of counts. I had my first sexual experience at my grandmother’s house. Oh, not like that! Don’t be so sick! A little bit like that. No, not like that! No, I was at my grandmother’s house. I used to stay there after school, because my mom had a job. So my grandmother used to look after me, but she didn’t have time to really look after a little kid that was a fat little annoying boy. She had angry letters to write and stuff, so… This is before Twitter. It was a tough time for cat ladies. So she used to leave me alone and what I would always do is I found the Sears catalog, the Scottish Sears catalog, and I used to go to the ladies’ underwear section of the Scottish Sears catalog. It was very erotic. Big giant robust women, in whalebone corsets… standing around in fields pretending to eat apples. [audience laughing] I’ve got a bit of a stiffy just talking about it right now. [chuckling] There’s kind of a rumor with the cat ladies. What I’m saying is the cat– By the way, the cat ladies think that I don’t like cats, which is not true. I love cats. I’ve got a cat. I’m not one of these guys that, like– Guys say this. They’re like, [deep voice] “I don’t like cats. I don’t trust them.” Trust is a human concept. I have three dogs. I wouldn’t lend them money. [audience laughs] [as a dog] “It was just ’til the end of the week.” No! You can’t trust animals like that. They think differently. You can’t trust of hamster with your weed. [audience laughing] I learned that the hard way. I will say this: I love all God’s creatures, or all the universe’s creatures, whatever your belief system is, but I… I don’t care for hamsters. That’s the only one. I don’t like them. They’re bastards. I don’t like hamsters. I was raised– I wasn’t raised by hamsters. [laughs] That would be great, though, if I was. Like, “Why does he do that all the time?” [chuckles] No, I hated hamsters when I was growing up, because they break your heart, hamsters. They’re little bastards. ‘Cause they all– they keep– They’re suicidal. All hamsters want to do is die. We went through one a month. Every time you got hamster, all it wants to do is get behind the refrigerator and die! We moved house when I was about 16. We moved the refrigerator, there was a pile of hamster bones behind it. And they had formed into a church. [audience groans] You’re right. That got a little too dark. But you know, it’s worth trying. Anyway, let’s go on with the show. Right? We’ll go on. Here’s the thing. No, here’s the thing. If you’ve ever seen me before, you’ll know that you’re in for an evening of crushing disappointment. [audience laughs] Maybe that’s if you had sex with me before. I’m joking, of course. If you’ve ever see me before, you’ll know what I like to do with the evening is tell a joke. Just one. That’s all I usually have time for, because I get easily sidetracked. But I do have a joke for you this evening, and I’m very excited about it, because it is, in fact, the oldest joke in the world. [audience] Woooo! Wait, don’t do ghost noises. I don’t want to get scared! But It is the oldest joke in the world. I don’t know if it’s the old– Here’s the thing. My friend Cara is an Egyptologist, right? And she’s in Egypt, because… why not? Very little point in going to Winnipeg if you’re an Egyptologist. “Find any pyramids and shit?” “Not a thing.” So, she’s in– she’s in Egypt, she called me up and said, “We are on an archaeological dig right now, and we believe we have found the remains of a public bathroom.” I was like, “Oh, weird.” She went, “Yeah, but even weirder, on the wall written in Hieroglyphics, is a joke.” I was like, “Wow.” I don’t know if it’s the oldest joke, but it’s the first written joke in the world. Before this joke, jokes were told in the oral tradition, which would never work today, but they are– [audience laughs] But it’s the first written joke. And of course, it was a huge change in human society when jokes arrived, and they started writing them down. Writing changed everything. You know, and it was a huge leap forward. You know, and it split down the middle. Some people really were for writing. Like, “Writing is going to be great! Writing is going to change everything. Sooner or later we’ll get to the enlightenment through writing.” And then there were people who didn’t like writing. They were like, “No, we don’t like it.” At least, we think they thought that. They left no record of how they actually felt. But you know there were people against even writing. There would be people like, “Oh, I don’t know if it’s a good idea. All this writing’s gonna lead to fornicating.” [audience laughs] They always do. You know, it’s always whenever something arrives, anything at all, whenever there’s any change, humans are against it. It’s the only thing that unites all humans, is their hatred of change. Which I think is really weird, because it is the only thing you can absolutely guarantee: That there’s going to be change. There’s always going to be change. For example, in America, in November of last year… [audience laughs] [chuckles] …there was a bit of a change. Don’t worry, I’m not getting into the politics of it. I’m not that guy. I’m not going to think it, but I have to say this. When I saw that, I was like, “Hmm. Shit.” I have only ever regretted leaving late night once. [audience cheering] When I heard… [applause] When I heard… When I heard Donald Trump was running for president, I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me?” [audience laughs] That’s like when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face. It’s just beautiful. I mean, come on! That’s a gift. I used to have to work at monologues. Now this fucker runs for president? [audience laughs] And I knew right away. I knew right away he was gonna win. Right away I knew. Other people were like, “No, he’s not gonna win.” I knew he was gonna win right from the very first debate. The very first one. The first Republican debate, when it was Jeb Bush, said to Donald Trump– Remember Jeb Bush? Wasn’t he adorable and non-threatening? Jeb Bush said to Donald Trump, he said, “Uh… Donald, you said something bad about Mexico, and my wife is Mexican, I would like you to apologize to her.” And Trump said, “No.” [audience laughs] I was like, that’s it. He’s gonna fucking win. And I– You know, it always happens. I’m thinking, “Jeb, you fucking idiot. You idiot. You have painted yourself into a corner. You said to a man, ‘Apologize to my wife.’ That man said, ‘No.’ Now you have to fucking hit him. It’s in the Constitution of the United States!” [applause] I knew he was going to win. I knew– I knew he was going to win. I was like, “Oh, fuck.” Just that amount of self-confidence. I know America. I’m American. I’ve studied Americans. They like someone who’s confident. It doesn’t matter if they’re right. Just confident. It’s that level of self-confidence is unbelievable to me. I was watching him, I’m like, “How often does somebody like that turn up?” [audience laughs] I mean, it’s that level of confidence. Look, you can like him or hate him, or you can agree with him or not agree with him, but… that’s inspirational. Do you think he ever wakes up like a normal human being at four o’clock in the morning, and thinks, “Maybe I’m a dick.” I don’t think so. I think he wakes up and goes, “I’m not a dick.” Everybody thinks that, but I don’t think he does. I think he’s totally confident. Like, “Oh I’m not a dick.” And even like half of his own party are calling him a dick, and everybody from half of the world is calling you a dick. Maybe more. You know, it was so difficult for me as well. I felt personally that I’d been shortchanged, because where I come from, in Glasgow in Scotland, the word “trump” means “shit.” [audience laughing] You’d say, “I had Indian food last night. I’ve been trumpin’ my brains out all day.” Or, “Ah, shit! That seagull just trumped in my hair.” No, that’s not true. But if somebody tweets it… [applause] That’s right. That’s how stuff becomes true now, everybody. Tweet it, retweet it, retweet it, fucking true. [audience laughs] See, it used to be… in the old days of journalism– you young kids won’t remember this, but in the old days of journalism, they used to do something called “fact checking.” And fact checking, what they would do is they find out if something was true first before they reported it. Isn’t that adorable? [audience laughs] Now it’s like, “Got to be first!” Like, “Is it true?” “Who fucking cares? Get it up there! Quickly! First! Tweet, retweet, tweet!” It’s on the website. “Boom, boom!” Right? It’s on Buzzfeed, right next to “Six Celebrities who are taller than you’d think.” [audience laughing] “Wow, Reese Witherspoon is six-foot-one? I can’t believe it.” Oh, she is. She is. We can make that happen. Like, if we start tweeting tonight, “Reese Witherspoon is six-foot-one,” in about a month, she’ll be six-foot-fucking-one. She’ll be going for jobs as, like, this sassy blonde, and they’ll be like, “No, she’s too tall.” “What height is she?” “Six-foot-one.” “Are you sure?” Reese Witherspoon will google herself, and go, “What the fuck is going on?” I’ve never met her, but I’m sure that’s how she talks. “What the fuck is going on?” and then she’ll, like a little hamster, then she’ll go behind the refrigerator. All right, all right. You’re right. That was too dark. Anyway, look, the point is, I think I’m gonna shave my beard off. -[audiene oohs] -Oh! Excuse me? Did I say, “Let’s have an audience poll”? [audience laughs] No. I think I’m gonna have to shave it off. I’ll tell you why. Because I have a 16 year old son– I have two sons, but one of them 16, and he said something to me about my beard, and I’m like, “You…” [audience laughs] He said– he said, “Dad, I like your beard.” I was like, “Mm-hmm.” He was like, “Yeah. Makes you look like a magician.” [audience laughing] “Fuck you.” That’s how you deal with teenagers, parents. You know, good parenting: “Fuck you.” [chuckles] ‘Cause he knows– ’cause he knows I hate magic and I hate magicians. Oh, yeah. “Ta-da.” “Fuck off.” I don’t like it. “Oh, what’d you call–” “Put them away!” “Look what’s in my hat.” I don’t care what’s in your fucking hat. See, now I tell people that I don’t like magic and magicians, and they’re like, “Craig, what are you talking about? You love magic. You love magicians. You’re the only late night host in the history of late night television that had Magic Week twice a year for ten years. You are the magician’s friend.” Au contraire, motherfuckers. [audience laughs] No, I don’t like magic and magicians. I didn’t have Magic Week on the late night show because I like magic and magicians. I had Magic Week, ’cause my friend Chris likes tequila. Let me explain. I couldn’t tell this story before, because it’s technically illegal. It’s illegal. What’s CBS going to do? Fire me? It’s too late. So, here’s the thing. -[audience cheers] -Thank you, everybody. [applause] [chuckling] So here’s the story. Here’s what happened. This is true. This is why it happened. Just when I started doing the late night show, my friend Chris went to Las Vegas for the first time. Uh, he’s a nice kid from Wisconsin. Crazy, lovely guy, and he never been to Las Vegas before. So he went, and he was there for the first time, and he loved it. It was fantastic. He was staying at the MGM Grand, the one with the big lions and stuff. And his first morning there, he goes down to the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. I don’t have you been to Vegas, but it’s very classy, and you can eat anything you want. And he’d never been, and he was like, “So I can have anything? Anything at all for breakfast? Anything?” And they’re like, “Yeah.” “Okay, I’ll have tequila. Ha-ha-ha.” And they thought he was cute, so they gave him tequila. Which is not a good idea. You should never– Kids, never have tequila for breakfast. Tequila for breakfast can lead to tequila for mid morning snack, and… What happened is that Chris started drinking tequila at 9:00 a.m., which is very bad idea. And right at about two o’clock in the afternoon, he did something which you should never do on tequila. He had an idea. [audience laughing] Here’s what happened. He was like… [mutters] And he goes outside, ’cause he thought, “I have to see a bit of outside.” He goes outside, and the complimentary limousine for the MGM is outside. And the driver isn’t in it, but he left the engine running, because of the air conditioning. So the engine’s running, and it’s got “complimentary limousine” written on it, and he thinks… “Well, if it’s complementary… That’s French for ‘free,’ isn’t it? [French accent] Complementary. I’ll take it!” So he got in the limousine, and he drove it away. [audience laughs] That’s not allowed. He drove this complimentary limousine away, and he was driving down The Last Vegas Strip, and he’s like, he starts– He’s not a bad guy. Chris is a good guy. He starts to go, “Wait a minute. What have I done?” He’s got “Bad Chris” on one shoulder, and “Good Chris” on another shoulder. Bad Chris is like, “Yeah, let’s make for the border! Ha-ha! Fuck everybody!” And Good Chris is going, “Chris, what are you doing?” ‘Cause Good Chris is gay. [audience laughing] That doesn’t make any sense. I’m sorry. [chuckling] What are you doing, Chris? Eventually, Good Chris won the day. And Chris is like, “Oh, my God. I can’t do this,” so he stops the car. This is true. He stopped the car in the middle of the Las Vegas Strip, and he got out and there’s fucking helicopters and cops chasing him, He was like, “It’s fucking going off!” and he put his hands up, and he did what many– certainly I might do in that situation, he put his hands up and he started to cry. Big salty wet tears falling down. But unfortunately, the Last Vegas Police Department have seen a grown man cry before. [audience laughing] And their hearts did not grow three sizes that day. And they took my friend Chris, and they put him in jail. In jail. Chris can’t go to jail. He’s a beautiful, smooth kid. He’s gorgeous. I mean, he’s really a handsome guy. I’m not gay, but I’d start a tickle fight with him, see where it went. Oh, we’re tickling. Ha-ha, buddy. We’re tickling. Ooh, we’re kissing. Okay, we’re kissing. [audience laughing] That’s all right. It’s cool. [laughs] Anyway, here’s the thing. As they take Chris and put him in jail, he’s freaking out. So, you know, he’s like– They say, “Okay you get to make one telephone call. Only one.” And he’s freaking out, he’s still kind of drunk on tequila, and he can only remember one telephone number. The place where he works. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS. That’s true. So I got a call in my office that afternoon. This guy says, “Will you accept a call from The Last Vegas City Jail?” I was like, “You bet I will! [audience laughs] [applause] Yes, indeed! I was wondering what the monologue was going to be tonight. Yeah!” So, well… I actually thought it was family, so I– [audience laughs] But it was Chris, and he was like, “Man, I fucked up! I’m in a jail in Vegas. I’m in a lot of trouble. I stole a car, and oh man, it’s bad.” I was like, “Chris! Oh my God! This is awful. Don’t start any tickle fights, don’t look at them in the eye. Don’t worry buddy, I’m gonna come get you. I’m going to get you out of there, buddy. You hang tight.” He’s like, “Okay,” and I hung up, then I thought, “I’m not going to Vegas.” [audience laughs] Then I thought, “I gotta get him out of there. He’s way too smooth to be in jail in Las Vegas.” No– You know, he’s not equipped for that kind of thing, so… I thought, “How am I going to get him out?” I don’t know if you know this about me, but in the 1980s, [chuckles] I worked in Manhattan. I worked in the Manhattan Island area of New York City, and I was still “waiting on my green card confirmation.” [audience laughing] and so I worked in construction for some guys who had an informal employment arrangement, and… [audience laughs] I kept in touch with one of the guys from the life back in the 80s, so I called up this guy– You know, let’s call him “Tony.” I call up Tony, and I’m like, “Hey, Tony. It’s Craig. He was like, “Hey, what’s a come and a go? Tutti frutti. Ay-ya-ya. Ay, ha-ha! Oh, icecream!” He’s Italian. I call up Tony, and tell him about Chris. He’s like, “I don’t know anybody in Las Vegas.” I was like, “Oh, no.” But he said he did know a guy in Philly who might be able to help, so we called up his friend in Philly. Let’s call him “Carmine.” [audience laughs] Also Italian. But Carmine didn’t know anyone in Vegas, either, but he did know a guy in Chicago. I’m like, “All right.” We get on the line and call this guy in Chicago. Let’s call him “Frankie.” Um… So, we got– [chuckles] And Frankie does actually know a guy in Las Vegas, We call up this guy– That– This is what happened. Three Italians and a Scotsman on the– It’s not even a joke! That’s what was happening. [audience laughs] And we call up this guy in Las Vegas. I swear, it’s true. A judge in Las Vegas that you know, Frankie knows. And… I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but it’s true. This is how you know it’s true, ’cause it’s so outlandish, you’re like, “That can’t be true.” But it’s true. The judge was completely honest, and in no way open to a bribe. [audience laughs] I was like, “This is fucking Las Vegas we’re talking about, right?” But the judge was like, “No, I can’t help you, fellas.” But we got talking, and threatening, and… [audience laughs] And eventually, it turned out that– I swear this is true. It could only happen in America. It could really only happen in Las Vegas. It turned out the judge was not only a judge. He also represented magicians. [audience laughs] [chuckles] I swear it’s true. Now, the magicians that this judge represented, they weren’t kind of like, you know, white tiger magicians or David Copperfield, or anything like that. They were off the strip magicians. You know, North Las Vegas magicians. Guys that were jumping out of dumpsters, going, “Eh!” So we talk to this judge, and the judge says, “All right, Craig. I’ll tell you what. You book Magic Month– A month of my magicians, and I’ll let your buddy walk.” I’m like, “Magic Month?” He went, “Magic Month.” I went, “Fuck it, Judge. Hang him.” [audience laughs] So we argue a little bit. We get it down to Magic Week. And I book five of these shitty magicians, and Chris walks, and… What was he really guilty of, anyway? High spirits in Las Vegas? Well, the judge pointed out technically it was grand theft auto and a DUI. One to five in Nevada, first time. I know. Tickle fight. That’s how, you know– That’s how I had Magic Week, because I had to get Chris out of jail. Now, I know that explains one Magic Week. It doesn’t explain Magic Week twice a year for ten years. It’s not like I was running a crime syndicate in Las Vegas. What happened was, I booked five of these shitty magicians, but if you remember that late night show, shitty magicians was kind of the vibe I was going for. [audience laughs] But when I tell people, “I don’t like magicians.” They’re like, “Craig, you love magicians. Who are you, man? You like cats. You’ve got more than one mustache. You hate magicians? You’re not the guy we made up in our heads when we were watching free TV when we were high. [audience laughs] We don’t recognize you.” And I understand. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I’m 55 years old for God’s sake. [audience hoots] How dare you? Ooh, still not dead. Look at you. No, 55. I was like, “I should have been dead a while ago, I think, really.” Thanks. No! I don’t know what happened. I’ve changed beyond all recognition. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I don’t– I don’t fuck around. I don’t take drugs. I don’t gamble. I don’t eat meat. I don’t do dairy. I’ve got Mormons coming up to me saying, “You should lighten the fuck up, pal.” [audience laughing] [applause] [chuckling] You know what it is? It’s– Los Angeles did it to me. Los Angeles turned me into a pussy. Actually, I kind of stopped drinking before I went to LA. Stopped taking drugs before I went there. Stopped taking drugs before– Scotland, really, I did all the drugs. That’s right. I did all the drugs in Scotland. No, I did all the drugs. Like, “Does anyone have some heroin?” They’re like, “No, Craig’s taken it all.” “But we want to do Trainspotting.” “Sorry.” I did a lot of drugs in Scotland. That’s– that’s where I needed them. Not to escape the violence, and Sectarian hatred. You get used to that. [audience laughs] It’s like living next to the airport. Hardly notice it after a while. [screams] What, what? Oh, ha-ha. Yeah, yeah. No, I needed drugs in Scotland. Not to escape that kind of stuff, but to escape my mother’s sense of interior design. Now remember, I came of age in the 1970s, the worst design period in human history. It was awful. It was a terrible time to do it. You young hipsters bring it back even fucking ironically. It was a terrible time in the 1970s. It was awful. Life was hell. They had nylon bed sheets in the 1970s. What kind of madness is that? Nylon bed sheets? That’s crazy! When I was staying at my grandmother’s house, when I was 16, I used to have to sleep in the spare bedroom. There were nylon sheets on that bed, and I was in there, I was 16, with a Sears catalog. [audience laughs] You got a teenage boy and a Sears catalog, there’s going to be friction. And fiction plus nylon equals electricity. [audience laughing] I thought Jesus was angry with me. [applause] It was a terrible time in 1970s. Everyone had sideburns. Everyone had sideburns! Men had sideburns, women had sideburns. Everyone was covered in hair. It was terrible. Everyone was hairy. It’s true. If you look at 70s porno, it looks like a documentary about bears. [audience laughs] [chuckles] No, I came of age during the– There’s this terrible period in human design, and then you combine that with my own Mother’s– Listen, I loved my mother. I did, but she had the design instincts of a Middle Eastern dictator. Maybe worse, even. If Saddam Hussein had come to her house, he’d have been like, “This is a bit over the top. Don’t you think?” [audience laughing] ‘Cause Saddam Hussein talked like gay Dracula. [audience laughs] That’s so… [chuckling] My apologies to any gay vampires. [groans] [as a vampire] “Finally, a joke for us. One. One joke for us.” It was terrible in her house, because it was the 70s, and because it was my mom’s design. Those of you that were around in the 1970s, we used to– we used to sit around the TV. A TV was like a phone, except you couldn’t get calls on it. It was weird. Uh… Uh, but we used to sit, and it was a small room and a TV, and then those of you that remember the 1970s, you’ll remember that wallpaper. You probably remember. The wallpaper with the onions? The kind of onion thing on it? There was onions and a kind of a line held together by kind of a membrane. You know I’m talking about? It was kind of like a brown and yellow kind of onion. It looked like Larry King’s testicles on the wall. Not that I’ve seen Larry King’s testicles. [audience laughing] I’ve seen one. But it was from a distance. He was running away, so… “Why are you chasing me?” “Come on Larry, let’s have a tickle fight.” [chuckles] It was like, they had a Larry King testicle wallpaper which was– Oh, my God. It was horrible. Then on the ceilings, in the 1970s, they used to put this stuff that looked like whipped cream with porridge in it. It looked like– It looked like seagulls’ shit with grit inside it or something. This– this weird ceiling gunk. It was like meringues on the ceiling. Highly flammable. You get on nylon sheets and jerk off… the whole thing would go up. [audience laughing] Ta-da! So… So, you got– [chuckles] You got that Larry King’s testicles on the wall, and there’s seagulls’ shit on the ceiling, and then shag carpeting. Shag carpeting looked like mammoth pubes on the floor. Shag carpeting the color of an Orange Julius, or perhaps a particular president. There’s, uh… There’s orange shit on the floor, the things up there, and the fucking that. It was like… [applause] It was like being on bad acid in that room. And sometimes, I was on bad acid in that room. And then, in the center of the room, there was the pièce de résistance. Which of course, as you know, is French for “piece of resistance.” [audience laughing] Conversation piece coffee table. Everyone had one in the 1970s. We were no exception. They had to be good, right? It had to be kind of, like, a flamboyant thing. Like, “This is our little Versailles in the middle of our house.” And ours, it was meant to look like this ornate coffee table. It was meant to have four marble legs, but we couldn’t afford marble. So, it was like gray plastic with a purple line drawn on it. It was very penis-y. [audience laughing] Like four straight penises coming at ya. Sounds better than it was. [laughs] Four penis-y legs, and then– And then on top of that, a fabric which has since been outlawed since the 70s: Burgundy velveteen. It was terrible. And then it’s on top of the burgundy velveteen, a tableau made out of some kind of recycled metal, uh, of horses galloping. But it wasn’t horses galloping like that, galloping along. It was like they were coming towards you. It was their faces. Like, “Ah!” Four horses, and then on top of that, smoked glass, ’cause you gotta have smoked glass, ’cause it’s the 1970s. So, it looked like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse coming at you from some sort of dangerous volcano. It was impossible to do drugs off of that table. [audience laughs] I’d chop a line, go down to get it, see the horses, shit my pants, and run away. No. It was bad. So, you know, anyway, I don’t do drugs anymore, I don’t drink, You know, I’m cleaned up. I’m all right. I’m a vegan, for God sakes. Truth. No, save your energy, vegans. [audience laughing] [laughs] No, I am, though. I am vegan. It’s weird when you’re vegan. It makes people angry, doesn’t it? People get angry when you say– Well, Americans get angry. They’re like, “Vegan? You hate America now?” Americans get angry. Canadians… they don’t get angry. They just don’t understand the concept. Like, [Canadian accent] “Vegan. Okay! [audience laughing] Can you have bacon?” But people think you’ve joined a cult, or something, when you become a vegan. Like, “Can you have an egg?” It’s like, “I can have what I want. It is a dietary choice.” It’s not like if I have an egg, the vegan SWAT team are gonna show up. “Hi, we’re the vegan SWAT team. Oh, we’re tired.” [pants] [audience laughs] No, it’s just a choice. That’s what it is. You get old enough, you start to notice, you know, certain things have an effect on your body. For example, if I eat an egg, I don’t take a trump for three days. Oh, that’s a thing now. That’s a thing now. Yeah. It’s a thing now. [cheering, applause] That’s a thing. But you know, it’s– Then it’s the opposite if I drink milk. If I drink milk, it’s like… “Hrrrm. Hrrm, ah. Ow, ooh.” [whooshes] It’s like one of these weather guys in a hurricane or something. It’s horrible. [audience laughs] It’s just that I notice things have an effect. For me, the big one of course is alcohol. If I drink alcohol, I have an allergic reaction, which manifests itself in a craving for more alcohol. [audience laughs] And of course, that leads to more alcohol, and more alcohol. Before you know what’s happening, I wake up three days later in a shallow grave in Bogotá, with my fingers smelling like Bill Cosby. [audience laughing] [audience] Ooh. [applause] Wait, wait. You just fucking “Ooh” me? You just ooh-ed me, and then gave yourself a round of applause for ooh-ing me. “Ooh. Yeah, we showed him.” Let me just point out, it was not me that did that. [audience laughing] [imitates Bill Cosby] [applause] [chuckles] Look, what I’m saying is I don’t drink, and I don’t do drugs, I’m a vegan. You know the real reason I became a vegan? I know it’s probably not– It doesn’t behoove me to say it, but you know who I blame. Netflix… Fuckers. [audience laughing] My guess is this will be cut out. But… -[applause] -[chuckling] Welcome back from the edit, everybody. [audience laughing] [chuckling] No, you know what? Netflix is an excellent thing, isn’t it? [audience cheers] No, here’s the thing. I watched a documentary about, you know, uh, bad meat, or something, on Netflix. And I’m like, “Oh, no.” I stopped eating meat for a couple days, and then I tried to go back, and I can’t. It’s still in my mind. I keep thinking about it. It’s like the Sears catalog, but like food. Can’t get it out of my head. Can’t go back. Netflix has changed me. It’s changed me. Because of Netflix, I had to go to Japan. [audience member] Woo! -Let me explain. -[audience laughs] This is a true story. I– When I was about 13 years old, when I was 13, my father and I went on a father-son trip, the only one we ever took, to visit my uncle James, who lived in Long Island, just outside New York. It was my first time in America. It changed me. I wanted to go there. I wanted to be part of all that. I wanted to go and live in America. So, when my– So when my own son, you know, my oldest boy turned 13, I said, “Wherever you want to go in the world, son, you and me go there. Just you and me, and we’ll go there.” And I’m hoping like, “Come on, Montreal!” [audience cheers] [applause] Or “Wherever you’re watching this on Netflix.” I was like that. [audience laughing] “Wow, how did he know we were at– Yeah, no, people really like it here. In ‘our region'” So… [audience laughs] because we– we’ve been watching Netflix, I said to my son, I said, “Anywhere you want.” And because we watch Netflix– He watches Japanese anime. He loves anime. And he loves, like, Cowboy Bebop, and Soul Eater, and I guess Pokemon, and all that stuff. It’s all this amazing stuff. He loves all that, so he said, “No Dad, I want to go to Japan.” I never really thought about going to Japan. I wasn’t for it. I wasn’t against it. It just never really occurred to me. It was like having sex with a ginger person or something. It just never really… never really came up. [audience laughing] Maybe once with Carrot Top, I thought about it for a minute, but… I don’t like props. So, they… [chuckles] But I was wrong to not want to go to Japan. I mean, Japan is amazing. Somebody here must have been to Japan. Anyone been to Japan? It’s an unbelievable place. Beautiful place. I think when Japanese people visit the west, they must think we are backward heathen Medieval savages. Just by the way we clean our bottoms. And they may have a point. I mean, look, think about this. Imagine– I wouldn’t wish this on you, but imagine you got a little piece of… trump on your hand. [audience laughs] All right. Imagine you got a little piece of shit on your hand. It can happen. I don’t know. You’re at party, a tickle fight starts, you know. Suddenly, your fist is covered in human feces. Oh come on. We’ve all been there. [laughing] I feel happy not to be on CBS. But yeah… [audience laughs] No. Imagine you got a piece of shit on you, right? You don’t you don’t get a piece of dry paper off the wall, and go, “Okay, that’s it. Clean now. Yeah, that’s good. Let’s go.” [audience laughing] That’s what you do in the bathroom in the west. Poop, scrape, done. Japanese bathroom: Entirely different experience. You go to Japanese bathroom, it is tran-scen-fucking-dental, my friends. It’s beautiful. You walk in a Japanese bathroom, the lights change. It knows you’re there, and the Enya music starts up. [hums new-age tune] It’s beautiful, and the portal opens up to another dimension. It’s unbelievable. It’s just gorgeous. And you sit down in the seat, and it is warm. Warmed by electricity. Not that fat guy in front of you at the airport. Electricity! [applause] You’re like, “This is nice,” and you do your filthy business, and then when you’re finished, it knows when you’re finished. Which I think is weird, ’cause sometimes, I don’t even know when I’m finished. [audience laughs] But it knows. And when you’re finished, and you’re done, water jets start up. Water jets from underneath. You’re like, “Oh! What’s going on?” It’s like little midget firefighters are down there. Shhh! “Come on! Let’s get it out of here!” “Not on my watch! God damn it! Come on!” Like, “Oh! Oh, my God.” [audience laughing] When that’s over, you think, “It can’t get better than that.” You are wrong. Then, when that’s over, dryers start. Dryers! [hums deeply] It’s like monks are chanting directly into your anus. [humming deeply] [growling] [audience laughing] When that’s over, you think, “It can’t get better than that.” You’re wrong again! When that’s over… Ff– poof! A mushroom cloud of scented talcum powder. [audience laughing] I was like, “Oh!” [applause] [sobbing] It’s not often I say this, but I left that bathroom a better man than walked in. [audience laughs] [chuckles] Actually, the truth is, when it was over, I just sat there, like, “My God. Wonder if I could go again.” [audience laughing] But the toilet knows. “You can go again in four hours, 23 minutes.” “See you then, Nessen 5000.” “Take care, Space Cowboy.” So, thanks for that, Netflix, I guess. I, um… Just to think about it. I’m working for Netflix. We all kind of work for Netflix now. Like, it’s changed the world. This Netflix thing. You know, being able to watch shows when you want to watch it. There’s not just Netflix. There’s Netflix and Hulu and Crackle, and you know, Ass Bandit. I don’t know, all the different ones. And they– I don’t know if Ass Bandit is one. -But you know what I mean. -[audience laughs] There’s all these different things. You can watch whatever show you want to watch when you want to watch it, which I think is a good idea. Except… when it comes to the news. I don’t think you should be able to watch the news when you want to watch the news and what you want to watch, because it can have– that’s at the core of what’s going wrong, because all the conservatives watch Fox News so they can get the news the way they agree with it. And then all the liberals, they watch all the other media outlets to get the news the way they agree with it, and then people who don’t give a fuck just watch CNN. ‘Cause they really don’t give a fuck. That should be their thing now. [deep voice] “CNN: We don’t give a fuck.” Look out for my next special on CNN. [audience laughs] I get my news from the BBC. -[audience cheers, applause] -That’s right. Because, like many people, I believe if I hear the news in an English accent, -I’m somehow smarter than everybody else. -[audience laughs] Kind of works, though. It kind of works, that English accent. I don’t know why it works. I’ve met plenty of stupid English people. ‘Ello, Gov’na. ‘Ello. Wanna wiz bang?” [audience laughing] But that upper class English voice, it does it every time. I don’t know why it does it to me. It shouldn’t but it does. I hear the news, and I’m like, “Oh, yeah.” It’s like when they– [British accent] “Today in America, Donald Trump said something very naughty, and everyone is very upset.” I’m like, “I can imagine they are, BBC. Thanks for the info. I’ll just make a cup of tea, put some petrol in my lorry, and go away.” It’s that voice that does it every time. If you ever want to imply dignity and bearing, you use an English upper class voice. It always works. In Star Wars, Obi Wan Kenobi when they’re trying to get the Great Jedi Knight. They used Sir Alec Guinness. With that voice it was beautiful, that, [British accent] “So… you want to be a Jedi.” Which sounds great and much better than, [Southern accent] “So you wanna be a Jedi? [audience laughing] [snorts] Feel the force, Luke.” That voice does it every time. That voice. They did it with Hannibal Lecter too in Silence of the Lambs. ‘Cause he was just serial killer, but that’s not scary enough. You want to make him a very clever serial killer that will eat you after he kills you, so he would say, you know, that voice,Tony Hopkins, [British accent] “Do you hear the lambs, Clarice?” [audience laughing] Very frightening. It’s not frightening if you just said, “Do you hear Lambs?” I was never very frightened by that anyway, to be honest. I was frightened enough, but not extra frightened. I’m frightened of serial killers, but not of cannibal serial killers, ’cause once you’re dead… [audience laughing] It’s the whole fucking point of being dead, isn’t it? Bon appétit, motherfucker. I don’t care. At that point, you know, you can get the news from CNN. You don’t give a fuck anymore. Afraid of cannibals? Kidding me? Frightened of death a little bit. Stand to toy that notion. It worries me. You young people, you don’t even think about it. Fuck you man, with your great beard. “What is death? Is that like no wifi?” Yeah. It is. [audience laughing] [chuckles] You know, in about 50 years, they’re gonna have to start burying people with their phone like that in their hand. ‘Cause if it’s not on social media, it didn’t happen. “Here’s me decomposing. [chuckles] Hashtag: Mortality.” [audience laughing] I realize being angry at young people and their technology is a sign of aging. I’m sorry. I don’t mean it. It’s just that I’m kind of annoyed at smartphones. I– I understand that they are very useful. But they’re very addictive, and I have a bad history with addiction. And I… I don’t know if anyone has a good history with addiction. “Yeah, I was addicted to heroin. It was awesome.” Uh… But I have a history with it, and I think they’re addictive, but they’re so useful. I mean, I suppose heroin’s useful as well, sometimes when you’re, “I just can’t sleep.” “Try heroin.” [audience laughs] What it is, is like, they’re so– They’re so useful they’re really useful. Like, I used one recently. Got me out of a medical emergency, my cell phone. Well, it wasn’t a medical emergency, but it was a thing. I was on the road, I was touring, and I– I developed a lump in my ass. [audience laughs] Oh, yeah, thanks. That’s a big laugh. Thanks a fucking… “Oh, ha-ha! Oh, a lump in your ass!” [cackles] No, I got a lump in my ass. It was horrible. And you know when you’re young, you get a lump in your ass, “Lump in my ass! Ha-ha! Let’s go out!” But… You get older, you think, “Lump in my ass? Is this it? Is this how I’m gonna go? -[audience laughs] -Ass lump? Is this gonna be– this gonna be my TMZ thing? ‘Oh, the curse of late night. Another ass lump. A former late night ass lump death.'” I called up my doctor in Los Angeles, and I described the lump in my ass, and he’s like, “Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Do you have a smartphone?” I was like, “Yeah! Is that it? Is it radiation in my smartphone? Is it giving me ass cancer?” He was like, “No, you idiot. You have a smartphone?” I went, “Yeah.” He said, “All right. Take a photograph of the ass lump and email it to me.” I was like… “Doctor! [audience laughing] That usually has gotta be the third date.” But… he’s a doctor, so… I got around there, thanks the Kundalini Yoga, and I took a selfie. It’s very close up. It was very, you know, it was a very kind of– Right. You wouldn’t be able to tell. Like, you wouldn’t go, “My God! An ass lump!” It was an abstract looking thing. It looked like a tie dye T-shirt, or something like that. You know what I’m talking about. Yeah. Next time you see one, you’ll remember our special evening together. [audience laughs] So anyway, I sent him a picture of my ass lump. He’s like, “Oh yeah, what you got there, Craig, is a hemorrhoid.” I was like, “Oh! I’ve never had one of those.” He was like, “Well, congratulations. You had a good long run. Now you’re one of us.” I was like, “What I do about it?” He said, “Just put some cream on it.” I said, “No, not the hemorrhoid. The photograph. -What do I do with the photograph?” -[audience laughs] He’s like, “I don’t care.” And this is how you know I’m a small-minded, petty, vindictive man, ’cause I swear this is true. I went to the caller ID section of my smartphone, and it’s the photograph that comes up when my ex wife calls me. -[audience laughing] -I swear it’s true. Doodle-loo-doo, doodle-loo-doo, doodle-loo-doo doo– [screams] The pain in my ass. [audience laughs] [chuckles] But I’m addicted to my phone, and then you try put it down, you feel it– strange shit happens to you. I had a– I had a paranormal experience because of my smartphone. Let me explain. It’s a true story. After I, uh… after I finished the late night– I quit the job one day. If you’ve ever quit a job, it’s great the day you quit, and then the day after, you’re like, “Oh, fuck.” [audience laughs] So I was in day one of “Oh fuck,” and I thought, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” What I do when I can’t think of what I’m going to do is I go on a road trip, and my best friend in the world, my buddy John, lives in a town called Prescott, Arizona, which is about– Which is about a six hour drive from LA. That’s how you know John’s old. He’s quite an old fella. Because he lives in Prescott. Everybody in Prescott is old. I fucking love going to Prescott, ’cause people I don’t know in the street call me “kid.” Like, “Hey kid, what are you doing in Prescott?” I’m like, “Just delivering newspapers, Mr. Peterson!” [audience laughing] I wear a hat with a little propeller on it and shit. Anyway, so I thought, “I’ll drive out and see John out in Prescott, Arizona.” I drive out to Prescott, and just as I’m getting there, this giant fucking western storm opens up. These huge black clouds, and, ch-ch-ch, lightning. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch! Well, you’ve seen a storm. It was like that. It was a really big one. I was like, “Oh, fuck,” and I just drive into Prescott… I decide to go and stay in the hotel I saw driving into Prescott. I’m going to tell you the name of this hotel, ’cause you’re not going to believe the story I’m gonna tell you, and you’re gonna wanna google the name of the hotel. And this is true. The hotel is called the Hassayampa Inn. In Prescott, Arizona. Hassayampa. It’s an old Yavapai Indian word. “Hassayampa.” It means, “Follow the river as far as it goes.” Which, I don’t know why you need a word for that. [audience laughing] How often does that come up? [as Native American] “Where are you going?” “Hassayampa.” “Again?” “Shut up, Janice.” Anyway, that’s not the point. It’s called the Hassayampa Inn in Prescott, Arizona. It was a beautiful little Victorian Inn, but the rain was coming down, I was like, “Oh fuck,” so I run in, I go to the hotel, I get in there, and it’s kind of– there’s an old-timer behind the reception desk, looked like Wilford Brimley with a cat on top of his mustache. And he’s like… [grunts] And I was like, “Excuse me, sir, I haven’t booked a room. Is there any way I can stay here tonight?” And he was like, “Yeah. The place is empty. [audience laughing] You can have the bridal suite. Room 426.” I was like, “Great! I’ll take it.” I go into the bridal suite, I was like, “Wow this is beautiful.” It was a beautiful room, and like a suite, really. So I take out my smartphone to send home a picture of it, and my phone died. I’m like, “Oh, shit.” ‘Cause I left the charger in the car, and it is fucking poppin’ awful. Lightning and rain and stuff. So I call the front desk, I’m like, “Excuse me, my phone’s not working. Do you have a charger?” And the guy said, “There’s a phone in your room, sir. You’re calling me on it right now.” [audience laughing] I was like, “Yeah, all right. Never mind.” I left the charger in the car, and I thought, “I don’t want to go out to the car and get the charger. Look at the rain. You know what? I can deal without my cell phone for one night. Come on! I’m not addicted to my cell phone.” So I put my phone down, and I thought, “I have to pass the time. It’s late at night, I’m a man on my own in a hotel room. I’ll watch late night television.” I turned it on, I thought, “Nope, that’s not for me.” And then… I thought, “A man on my own… in a hotel room.” Check the sheets. They were nylon. [audience laughs] But even then I wasn’t tempted– Yeah, I’m 55. Can’t jerk off anymore. If you haven’t got someone to do it for you by now, leave it alone. [audience laughing] It’s a personal opinion. Anyway, I thought, “I can leave my smartphone alone. I’m not addicted.” And then I started to feel– Listen, you know what I’m talking about. I know withdrawal. I know what it feels like. And I was like “Wow, I fucking– This is not good.” I started to have palpitations, feel a bit panicky. I was like, “Fucking hell. This is bad. It’s about the phone?” And then I’m like… [pants] And then I started to feel real panic, like a panic attack. Like, ‘What the fuck?” I started to feel like I was seeing things out the corner of my eye, and I’m like… I was like, “Fuck this shit.” I run out into the car to get it, and the rain’s coming down, get the charger as it rains. You can see my nipples through my shirt and everything, I was like… I was gorgeous. I looked like Fabio in the front of a book. I was like, “Ah.” I got the charger, and I came back to the room, and I plugged in the phone and I waited, and the little half-eaten apple came up, I was like, “Oh, thank God…ah.” Then I was like, google something, “Reese Witherspoon’s six-foot-one. Fuckin’ A.” [audience laughs] Then I google, and you’re going to do this, I googled “The Hassayampa Inn, Prescott, Arizona,” and this is what I got. “The most haunted hotel in America.” I was like… [screams] Really! And then I read this thing, and it says, [deep voice] “Yes, the Hassayampa Inn– Very haunted. On no accounts stay in room 426, in the bridal suite. I was like… [screams] I was like, “What the fuck?” I run down to the front desk, the old-timer was there, and I said, “Has anyone ever complained about paranormal activity in room 426?” And he turned into a bat, and flew away! [audience laughs] All right, I made that bit up. I added that bit, but… apparently there’s a ghost in that room, and she doesn’t like men. If I single man is staying on his own, she’ll go into the bathroom and steal his toothbrush. I know. And I go into the bathroom, and my toothbrush had gone! Then I remembered I’m European, I didn’t have a toothbrush. But if I had… [audience laughing] It was scary is what I’m saying. Oh, shit. I never told you the joke. All right, here’s the joke. The oldest joke in the world. This is true. This is– [chuckles] Sure it’s true. Why the fuck not? You know… Everything’s true now. “Fake news!” “Fuck you it’s true.” All right… Everything’s fuckin’ true. But this is true. It is. What happened is my friend Cara, who is an Egyptologist, she calls me up from Egypt and says, “We found this joke.” I was like, “That’s great. Tell me the joke.” So she tells me the joke, but I don’t speak Ancient Egyptian. It was like, “Owl, owl, guy with a dog’s head.” And I’m like… It’s not that funny. [audience laughing] Wow, I had no idea so many Ancient Egyptians were here this evening. You guys are like, “Oh! [chuckles] Yeah, yeah. Ha-ha! Nice one! Ha-ha! Good! Finally, a joke for us. Two! Two jokes for us.” [chuckles] So she tells me the English translation of the joke, and I’m like, “That’s weird. I know that joke.” The joke was told to me by Drew Carey, one of my oldest friends. I’m like, “I thought Drew was from Cleveland.” [audience laughs] I’ve known him for 20 fucking years. He’s got a house there and everything. So I called up Drew, and I said, “Hey man, you know that– That joke you told me?” And I tell him the joke. I said, “That’s the oldest joke in the world.” And he turned into a bat flew away. [audience laughing] [chuckles] It’s getting more and more stupid, isn’t it? All right, no, this is true. What happened is, I called him up, I said, “You know that joke you told me?” And I tell him the joke. I said, “That’s the oldest joke in the world,” and he said, “That is weird.” And I said, “Yeah!” He said, “No, what’s weird about it is I didn’t tell you that joke.” I went, “What?” I said, “No, you told me that joke.” And I was like, “Shut up, Drew Carey!” And he was like, “You shut up, Craig Ferguson!” I was like, “No I won’t!” He was like, “No, I won’t!” Then we started to kind of tickle fight, then we were kissing. We were kissing. It was a really strange phone call. [audience laughs] All right. I got sidetracked. Here’s the joke. This is the joke. The way I heard the joke, it wasn’t– It wasn’t set in Ancient Egypt, but in every respect, it’s exactly the same joke. It’s about two hunters, but the way I heard about it, it was, you know, it was set in a gentleman’s club in Victorian times. It was very different to a gentlemen’s club now. You know, a gentleman’s club now is like, “Hey! Give me a dollar, I’ll give you chlamydia,” but back then… [audience laughing] Sorry, I was just doing my job. You pay extra for those seats. Um… So here’s the joke. Anyway, the joke is this: It’s two hunters: An old hunter and a young hunter, and they’re going through the trophy room of this club, you know, and the old hunter is showing off. He’s looking at the heads on the wall, and he said, “This here… This a lion that I shot in Africa. I used to be a dentist in the Midwest.” You remember that? Remember that? Do you remember that was the thing that everybody in the world was mad at? Simpler times, huh? “This a lion that I shot in Africa. It’s a very frightening story. I was just walking through the jungle, and the lion lept out at me. Came towards me, I was like, ‘Oh!’ And he’s coming towards me, Sharp-sharp claws, bitey-bitey mouth, scary eyes, I was like… [pants] and he comes very close, I take out my gun, shot him right between the eyes.” The young hunter says, “Good, sir. Good. Well done.” He was like, “Yes, yes. And this… This is a very similar story. This is a tiger. I was walking through the Jungle in India, this tiger jumped out at me, stripey face, scratchy claws, bitey mouth. Coming towards me, he’s gonna bite me! I take out my gun, and I shot him right between the eyes.” The young hunter says, “Very good, sir.” He goes, “Yeah, and here, the scariest story of all: The rhinoceros. I was walking across the Serengeti, and I heard, ‘Thumpity-thump thump. Thump, thump, thump. Thump thump thump,’ coming towards me, I turn around, it’s the rhinoceros! He’s coming towards me, big stompy feet and a big spiky. He’s coming towards me, stompy, spiky, he’s gonna kill me! I take out my gun, and I’m like, ‘Oh!’ I drop my gun, and… [screams] …and I shit myself.” [audience laughs] The young hunter says, “I would have too. That sounds terrifying.” He went, “No, not then! Right now, when I said, ‘Ah!'” To be fair, I did not say it was the best joke in the world. Jokes have improved immensely since then. But it is, in fact, the oldest joke in the world, and so, with that… we are done. [audience groans] That sounded a little bit like relief. [audience laughing] You got your one joke… and that’s all you’re going to get. Unless you get the special Netflix subscription, which gives you an extra joke. [audience laughing] Look out for that on the website. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much. I’ll see you next time. -Good night, good night, good night. -[applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nick-offerman-american-ham-2014-full-transcript/ | NICK OFFERMAN: AMERICAN HAM (2014) – Full Transcript | nick offerman | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome America’s humorist: Mr. Nick Offerman. Good evening. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good Christ, people. Yeah! Minor nudity was advertised. Minor nudity achieved. Drink it in. Life can be this delicious. Before I wrap it all the way up, I’d like to extend a… personal thank you to a local establishment known as Virgil’s Barbecue. The left portion is the pork ribs. The brisket’s sitting on top. Hush puppies, mac ‘n’ cheese, beans, – ridiculous jalapeño corn bread muffins. – Yeah! People often say to me… well, enough that I would remark upon it. “Nick,” they say, “where the hell did you come from? How did this occur that you are standing on the stage of the venerated Town Hall speaking to us?” And I answer them the same every time. I honestly have no fucking idea how this happened, but I’m very grateful. I’m minding my manners. And I’m reminded of some words of Thomas Jefferson, of course, who said, “I’m a great believer in luck. And I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it.” So if we’re going to talk about hard work, if we’re going to talk about luck being the moment when opportunity meets with preparation, I can’t do that without immediately thinking of my mom and dad, Ric and Cathy Offerman, two of the finest Americans you will ever hope to countenance. They did this. I don’t know that they particularly meant to do this, but, by God, they did it. They have been incredible teachers to me in my life. I’m interminably in their debt. And they’re followed closely by the ridiculous stack of curves and comedy juggernaut that is my legal property, Megan Mullally. That’s right. That’s how I feel about that lady. Some of my most beautiful acreage. Read the paperwork. Shit is mine. Despite a life full of jackassery, I’ve managed to retain some of the choice lessons from these teachers of mine. And I thought I would pass them along to you in a show that I’ve entitled American Ham: My 10 Tips for a Prosperous Life. I’m not gonna be testing you this evening on my 10 tips, but life will be giving you a pop quiz for the rest of your livelong days. So it might behoove you to mind your P’s and Q’s. End preface. Number one: Engage in romantic love. I don’t know what I did to get so goddamn lucky to land the wife that I did. But I’m what the literati have often referred to as “A lucky son of a bitch.” But I can tell you that I intend to keep this sweet gig that I found myself, and one of the ways I do it is by indulging in romanticism. I’m a sap. My whole life I’ve been a romantic. I used to be made fun of in school. And I learned later that it was because the people making fun of me were not getting any. I knew even in school, you know. “Oh, you guys kissing in the hallway?” Yes. That’s because I can’t get a blowjob in the hallway. How’s football goin’, bro? That’s what’s up. I realized one day… I was driving to work. We had been dating, and I realized I was going to marry her. And I was pissed off because I would have liked to have been consulted in the matter. But I was not. We’re very lucky, Megan and I. We have figured out how to stay together in a business that’s really hard to stay together in. As a couple of Hollywood hotshots, people expect us to be skipping down to the Whisky a Go Go with the Sheen family and eating bath salts, or whatever they’re eating now to see shit weird. But we do not. Every time Emilio calls me, I demure, “Not tonight, bro. You guys have fun.” We stay home. We’re boring. That’s a key. It really is. We’re homebodies. We love to stay in and read books and play cards and do puzzles. We watch HGTV. We do a shitload of cocaine and then… and mainly focus on puzzling. “Honey, give me the fucking sky pieces!” Fucking love puzzles. There’s something so soothing about a field of cerulean blue when I’m using amphetamines. We make our marriage a priority. That’s key. If you want a healthy marriage… It’s like raising a shrub. You have to make it a priority. You have to water it and fertilize it and talk nice to it and caress it and nibble on its clitoris… with regularity. You gotta stick with it. That’s a horticulture term. I don’t know if we… have a lot of green thumbs in the house tonight, but… look it up. In our business, one of the things that can kill a relationship is success, ’cause one of you gets a sweet job in L.A., one of you gets a great job in New York. You get the call. Peter Jackson wants you in New Zealand for 38 months for a role called Frodo Baggins. I turned that shit down. For love. I think that kid that got it did a nice job. He was also very cute. I did, however, get to read for… Gimli the dwarf. I’m still trying to… trying to ferret the compliment out of that situation. My wife turned 50 a few years ago, which is a big birthday in a society that bases a lot of systems on the number 100. And I said, “Honey, this is a big birthday. Do you want something special? A bauble of some sort?” And she said, “No. You know, just make me one of your cards.” By the way, if you’re in a relationship, make your significant other a fucking card, please. I always make cards for Megan. I make her lots of gifts as well. Every time I’m doing it around my friends or coworkers, they always say the same thing… “Oh, thanks a lot, man. You make us look so bad. Every time you make a card, my wife points it out to me.” And I say, “Let me tell you something, Rob Lowe. I’m gonna tell you right to your face, you turn those blue-gles on anybody and you don’t have to do shit. Please just keep looking at me.” His face is magic. I say to the rest of my friends that don’t have insane blue eyes, “Go to your printer. There’s paper in there. Find the paper. Take a sheet of it. Fold it in half. Draw a heart on it. Open it up. Write ‘I love you.’ Sign your name. You will get so kissed. You will be kissed so much more voluptuously than from any bullshit you can buy at the mall.” Thank you. Here’s a bonus: Go outside and find a tiny piece of nature… a leaf, a twig, a stone, a shell, a chrysalis. Adhere it in the center of the heart… and then get stretched out because you’re going for a ride to the realm of coitus. So she said, “Make me one of your cards. Do one of your funny dances. You know what? Actually there’s something I would love for my birthday. I would love a rainbow for my birthday.” And I said, “Thank you, honey. I’m very glad I asked you.” And I made a few calls that were fruitless. NBC did not help. And I thought I was fucked until I realized an important lesson… that I could make a rainbow out of art. And so this is actually the first song I wrote. I wrote it for my wife on her 50th birthday… The Rainbow Song. ♪ You read me my rights When you arrested me ♪ ♪ You put me on trial And gave me life ♪ ♪ But orange you glad I didn’t say “banana” ♪ ♪ When you made me your bitch And I made you my wife? ♪ ♪ “You yellow,” you yell when I ball a melon ♪ ♪ But you don’t complain when I cook up some smack ♪ ♪ We’re both agreein’ to serve our time ♪ ♪ If I drop the soap I know you’ll watch my crack ♪ ♪ Please enjoy this rainbow song ♪ ♪ And this gift of leprechaun romance ♪ ♪ Please enjoy as part of this well-balanced breakfast ♪ ♪ The Lucky Charms You will find in my pants ♪ ♪ You blew me away ♪ ♪ When you sang “Shock the Monkey” ♪ ♪ Your fingers inside me Let the games begin ♪ ♪ Indigo is a tough one to pun with ♪ ♪ But when we’re apart It’s the mood that I’m in ♪ ♪ We get along so well We could never be compared ♪ ♪ To Jesus of Nazareth and Pontius Pilate ♪ ♪ But if you’ll endure the slight of calling me “sir” ♪ ♪ I’ll be Peppermint Patty to your Violet ♪ ♪ Please let this song be a rainbow ♪ ♪ I’ve got my Cialis So I shall not fail ♪ ♪ Please don’t deny my advances ♪ ♪ For tonight you’re going to take it in the pail ♪ That’s the butt. It’s what you thought. ♪ And please let this song be a rainbow ♪ ♪ I made it for you This shit cuts like a knife ♪ ♪ Forever I’ll follow this rainbow ♪ ♪ To that 50-year-old sweet pot of gold ♪ ♪ That seems to grow foxy instead of old ♪ ♪ From which I hope to never be paroled ♪ ♪ My angel in a centerfold ♪ ♪ She plays more than Sousa upon my fife ♪ ♪ My jaw-droppingly beautiful wife ♪♪ Thank you. Thank you. Number one: Engage in romantic love. Number two: Say “please” and “thank you.” Good manners should be applauded. I recently landed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to go… Thank you for your beer and sausage, not to mention your motherfucking cheese curds. Oh, boy. I was going to do a show in Milwaukee. And thanks to a U.S. air flight on an airline that shall remain nameless, that was 90 fucking minutes late, I was in a hurry. I was in a rental car. I was trying to get onto a crowded highway to get to my show, and I was on a ramp that was merging with another ramp. Folks, let’s talk about merging for a second. What the fuck? I think we all know by now you take turns. But sometimes when you’re in that side that has the advantage ’cause the other side’s trying to get in, you just can’t help it. It’s their turn, and you’re like, “No, motherfucker. No, no, no, no.” A gentleman performed this act upon me, and naturally, I was fucking incensed. You fucking kidding me? It’s merge, dude. It’s my turn. I had steam coming out my ears. And I pulled behind him, and everything changed. I realized that he was driving a salt-caked, pearlescent Chrysler 300… which is a fucking seriously badass attempt at a car… with the vanity plate “Thunder Road.” And I said, “You magnificent motherfucker. If you’re going to whip out your throbbing cudgel of a cock and bludgeon the rest of us about the face and mouth with your hot rod fuck wagon, you may have my place in line, sir. You, my friend, are living.” We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t care if you’re a librarian. I don’t care if you’re a litterbug. I don’t care if you’re a fan of celery. I don’t care if you’re that fucking guy. I don’t care how low you are. We’re all brothers and sisters on this planet. We’re all sharing this space, and we deserve the respect to treat one another with good manners. Say “please” and “thank you.” Get the door for each other. If somebody needs help with their groceries, jump up and give ’em a hand. You’ll feel so much better, you’ll blow their minds. It feels incredible. I can tell you I’ve crunched the numbers again and again. It’s a lot more fun to have eight people with one beer each than to have one dude with eight beers. It doesn’t… It sounds… incongruous… It sounds incongruous, but I’m telling you, I’ve been back and forth with this thing six ways to Sunday. I believe it was Jesus of Nazareth himself who said “love thy neighbor as thyself.” Wise words from the lamb of God. I just want to take a moment to point something out about the Bible. We’re gonna talk a little bit about the Bible tonight, you guys. Is the Bible full of great lessons? No question. Religious writings, in general… the Bible, the Qur’an, the Tao Te Ching. Grimm’s Fairy Tales, Battlestar Galactica, the redux. These holy texts are rife… with morals and lessons of value about how to be decent to one another and how to share our space and our planet. But when Jesus said something like “love thy neighbor as thyself”… I heard that in Sunday school, and I said, “Fucking nailed it, Jesus. That… That’s why you’re the teacher, my friend. Thank you.” And I went home, and I went to my neighbor Mr. Severson, and I said, “I like it like this, Mr. Severson. I get a little… It’s a little backhand. I’ve got this cleft in my palm. You feel that?” Mr. Severson liked it as well. He was my neighbor. We got along great. Into junior high, into high school, we had a great friendship. We don’t know that’s not what Jesus meant. We don’t. My interpretation provided a loving friendship… between two peoples on neighboring lands. Talking to you, Gaza Strip. Again, I have nothing against any religion or club, especially any get-together where people are like… “You know what? We’re fucked-up monkeys.” Like, a great part of our innate being is we wanna, like, fuck each other and eat each other and kill each other, and many of those things at the same time. We want to fuck each other while we shit in each other’s mouths, some of us. The permutations are endless. But we’ve learned, with socialization, it’s not cool to just go up to people and start doing stuff like that. So we’ve established these guidelines and we have these get-togethers of like… Everybody come to the big building just once a week. Let’s just remind ourselves not to shit in our neighbor’s wife’s mouth. Unless it’s consensual, you know. Nothing is set in stone. That’s great. And here’s all I’m requesting of our religious groups in the country and world, is go to that place. Go to your club. Go to the Bible… barn where you all get together, and talk about the lessons and learn about decency and compassion and how to treat one another. Then go to your job at the Senate and don’t talk… you don’t have to talk about the Bible. Just bring the decency and compassion like that… That’s all… I want to coin a phrase, and let’s try and get this going as a catchphrase. “A separation of church and state.” Or something like that. Like, just spread it out, see if it catches on.
I really love that saying of Jesus, “love thy neighbor as thyself.” Unfortunately, he said it in the Book of Leviticus. And I think we all know by now that Leviticus is the most fucked-up book in the Old Testament. Leviticus, of course, is the book that details the punishments for menstruating women. If you like comedy, go home and curl up with Leviticus. The writers of The Onion are handed Leviticus when they show up for work the first day. As they say in Leviticus of a menstruating woman, “when her flowers be upon her, she is unclean, she must be sent away.” If she should touch any linens, those linens must be burned. If she sits in a chair, the chair is fucked. This is the Bible, you guys. What dicks who wrote this book of the Bible that were so freaked out with the simple nature of a woman’s body that they wrote it down in the Bible? The fuck? Do not fret, ladies. If you should be so filthy… there is hope in Leviticus. You may be exonerated if you bring two turtles to the priest at the temple. What the fuck is that? I’ve lost so much sleep on these turtles. What value did turtles once possess that we have no record of? I love… I love animals. I love nature. But I have torn open so many fucking turtles, looking for a pearl or… ambergris or spermaceti. I don’t… There must be something beyond their delicious meat. It’s upsetting to me. And I love to imagine these dicks that wrote the Book of Leviticus hanging out at the temple. They’ve written these guidelines. They’ve been disseminated among the people. And they’re just hanging out waiting for people to start showing up and being holy. And the leader of the dicks at one point says, “You guys, what’s with all these fucking turtles every place?” “Oh, sorry. Steve wrote that part. He just loves turtles. We don’t… I don’t know what it is with the turtles.” “Steve! Money or fucking wine, bro. We’ve been over this. You know what, Steve? You’re not writing any more of the Bible. Go… press some more olives. Shithead.” And that is the story of the lost book of Steve. Considered lower even than the Gnostics.
Leviticus is also one of the places in the Bible that tells us homosexuality is an abomination. And I quote, “if a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, they have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.” The Bible! It fucking says that in the Bible. I disagree with that notion. I’m astonished that this never comes up. And these writers… “Hang on. Just give me one second, please. Two turtles to the temple, and she may be exonerated. Yeah. Two what, now? Excuse me? Two bros? What? Uh, they… Oh, Jesus. That is so uncool. They… And they fully love each other? Uh, yeah, kill ’em. I guess. Right, guys? What choice do we have?” And I’m very glad to be alive at a time when it’s finally evolved to the point where this issue is in the public eye and we’re finally fucking slowly turning it over. Thank God. 2013. How many decades has it been… The… How many years has it been since we shitty white people, with our hands in our pockets, were like, “You know what, you guys? No, no, no. Um, it’s cool. Everyone can ride the bus and sit wherever you want. That’s our bad. Um, it was confusing ’cause we used to capture you and own you like a commodity, so, you know… But, no, use the water fountains, all that stuff. Sorry.” That was before my lifetime. And now it’s 2013, and we’re still debating if, like, I don’t know, if we should give everybody the same stuff. Here’s the thing. It’s like two people loving each other and, with or without children, trying to build a loving, productive household and be good citizens. It sounds good, you know. They play a good game, but have you read Leviticus? So it’s great this issue is getting attention. However, I am irked by all the attention that it’s getting, all the ruckus and hubbub about same-sex marriage when all the while motherfucking vegetarians are marrying, bearing children… right on these streets. Their fucking… filthy herbivorous urchins are prancing down your sidewalks with a canvas bag full of kale. “I use one bag. I know how to pronounce ‘quinoa.'” And I am fucking pissed. They’re making a mockery of the sanctity of eating animal flesh. It shall not stand. Please. Please. They call it the Good Book. I find it a bit uneven. You know what is a good book? The motherfucking Hobbit. Or There and Back Again. That is a good fucking book. Instead of legislation founded squarely upon the Bible, I’d like to see… some laws pitched based on the writings of John Ronald Reuel Tolkien. That shit makes sense. Elrond was elected to lead the elves at Rivendell not only despite his androgynous nature but quite likely because of the magical leadership inherent in a well-appointed bisexual elf wizard. That’s the guy you want picking shit out for your community. Who do you want throwing your gala? Who do you want to hand menu selections and a color palette to? David Bowie or a fucking Mormon? What the fuck? Was Elrond in a gay marriage? We don’t know because it’s none of our goddamn business. Whatever the nature of his elvish lovemaking, which I happen to know a little something about… I can tell you this is a frighteningly accurate depiction. Their genitals are more velvety and bluish, but if there was a sheet here with a light behind it, you could not tell the difference. And they like to bring ’em in and stop, which is not quite touching, and then back out again. Fucking drives ’em crazy. That’s neither here nor there. The point is, no matter what Elrond was getting up to in the bedroom, it doesn’t matter what you do in your bedroom. You can do whatever you want, as long as you don’t hurt anybody or anybody’s property. If you’re in your bedroom, if you want to get it on with your elvish weird genitals, or if you want to take a cantaloupe and throw it in the microwave for 20, 30 seconds… Don’t go over 40. That pulpy center heats up. Let me tell you something for nothing. You want to put a 45-degree chamfer around the edge of that hole because that outer rind can really chafe. I’ve read this. I don’t know if it was Martha Stewart or… Dr. Phil. I don’t care… If that’s your thing, if you’re a melon fucker, don’t bring it in to the workplace. No matter what Elrond got up to, it did not affect his ability to perform his job like a boss. And that is to provide travelers with great directions. No matter what, the citizens of Middle-earth seemed to remain in pretty good spirits as long as they were packing Longbottom Leaf into their pipes. A lesson we could all do to pay a little attention to. And even on a long road trip to the dragon’s mountain lair, they did not forget to say “please” and “thank you.” I think you get it. Number three: Use a handkerchief, hand kerchief or hanky. Let’s see what I’m rockin’ tonight. Field of light taupe with red roses. Weren’t expecting that, were you? Another bonus: If you want to get with a lady… of a higher quality, start throwing around the color taupe. Boom. It’s quite magical. My dad had two rules when I was a kid: wear a clean white T-shirt every day and always carry a handkerchief. I said, “Dad, you can wear a T-shirt and look like a nerd or Ron Swanson. I’m gonna show a little chest bush and look like motherfuckin’ McConaughey.” Sadly, the reality is somewhere more between Chiklis and Sizemore, weird Belushi or Galifianakis cousin. When I suggest it, they say, “I don’t want a rag full of snot in my pocket or my purse.” Nor do I. Suggesting that you have toilet paper in your home doesn’t mean I want paper full of effluvia hanging around in the house. But if you’re at a bus stop and someone has a face and hand full of snot and mucus, you’re a motherfucking superhero. Think about all the occasions that a handkerchief saves the day. The list is endless. For drying someone’s tears… If a… Fuckin’ New York, man. An old lady is crying in the gutter. Yeah! Humorous in the right context. If someone’s tears need drying, if a severed artery is in need of a tourniquet. Use it as a hot pad to change the smoking magazine on your anti-tank weapon. Poke it into your hand to make a nifty pouch for collecting pussy willows and acorns and bear’s teeth down by the fightin’ ring. If you should find yourself in the vicinity of the Netherlands and you spot a hole in a dike, plug the hole with your hanky and go get some apple pancakes because that shit is delicious. There’s no way this is not gonna be my first hit single. ♪ Keep a handkerchief in your pocket ♪ ♪ That was my father’s rule ♪ ♪ It looked bitchin’ on my neck in Cub Scouts ♪ ♪ And it saved my bacon in school ♪ ♪ ‘Cause when I’d get whooped in a fight ♪ ♪ I’d never soil the floor ♪ ♪ I’d wrap it around my knife handle tight ♪ ♪ And even the fucking score ♪ ♪ Hankies can make you seem politer ♪ ♪ Wipe ejaculate from your chin ♪ ♪ Or when you break and enter ♪ ♪ Erase the prints from where you’ve been ♪ ♪ For gravy or mud or even menstrual blood ♪ ♪ It can protect your eyes from a spunky flood ♪ ♪ You just gotta have your hanky ♪ ♪ For wiping your tears when you wish ♪ ♪ You could still get hard after all of that wine ♪ ♪ And when you run out of toilet tissue ♪ ♪ A hanky will do just fine ♪ ♪ For a sniffle or a sneeze It’ll shoo away bees ♪ ♪ When you have to suck a dick It’s a cushion for your knees ♪ ♪ You just gotta have your hanky ♪ ♪ In love play with Justin Bieber ♪ ♪ Use your hanky as a gag ♪ ♪ Then he can play the naughty sweeper ♪ ♪ And clean your chimney with his sooty rag ♪ ♪ When your lover has been pleased it’ll wipe away the cheese ♪ ♪ And the suppuration from your venereal disease ♪ ♪ You just gotta have your hanky ♪ ♪ Dad, I always carry my hanky ♪ ♪ Thank you. Thank you. The Hanky Song. Number four: Eat red meat. Number five: Get a hobby. “Hobby” is an unfortunate word for something that can have such beautiful meaning in one’s life. On the plus side, it shares a root with the word “hobbit,” which could not be a more charismatic sequence of consonants and vowels. But on the downside, it’s just one of those words that sounds wrong. “Hobby.” Like “underpants.” So instead of “hobby” I choose to use the word “discipline.” Get a discipline. You may or may not know that when I’m not making an ass of myself in front of you or working as an actor, I’m making things out of wood in my shop in Los Angeles. Thank you for applauding. But I want you to take the notion of that applause and find the dozens, or hundreds, of local artisans around you that aren’t on Parks and Recreation. Go watch them make boots and stained glass and fucking soup and applaud for them and support them. Right now. Go. Good night. Woodworking and making things with your hands is not only not nerdy, it’s fucking sexy. It you want to, like, up the delicious factor in your life, find out what you love to make. And it could be so many things… food, music. One of my best friends is a CPA, and his thing is that he… Yeah, right on. Thank you. He loves to make all the numbers right. He’s admittedly OCD. But that’s his jam. He’s like, “I love to get everybody’s fucking paperwork.” And like… You’ve seen it… You know, simple mind. Like, all these fuckin’ numbers going down the screen. And he’s like… That’s his trip, where it’s like, yes, done, boom. Whatever it is, whatever it is you love to do, that is the sexiest part of you. And it hits a button. When you see somebody making something, it just hits that nesting button of, like, “Oh, you’re fucking knitting? You want to make a fucking nest and shit? Fuck yeah.” One of the things that, I think, keeps us from doing what we love and expressing what’s great about ourselves as individuals is the amazing inventions that have taken over the world, certainly our world. These things are incredible. It’s a miracle machine, these and the computer and the Internet and all that stuff. It’s insane. It’s going to, hopefully, bring our planet together in a network quickly enough so that our children and grandchildren can save the planet from us. Please. We’re sorry. Please clean up our shit. We love you. But the thing that I don’t like about those… And I’m speaking to you as an addict here. I tried Twitter last year for a couple of weeks. It pissed me off so much. I think it feeds on this part of human nature that always thinks things could be better for us somewhere else. If you’re not experiencing ecstasy, then you’re like, “Yeah, this is okay. But, man, it’d be fucking cool if I was in Tucson right now.” It’s something that we have. It’s the human condition where it’s like, “Aw, man. Here I am at NYU. Man, it’d be fucking so cool at Stanford.” Well, now we have a window in our pocket to Stanford and Tucson and wherever the fuck else we want to be. And we can distract ourselves. We fill in the lulls in our day with nothing on these devices. You finish your transaction. Gotta do my work. I gotta do this. I gotta pay attention. That’s done. What’s going on in Tucson? Okay. Kind of boring. Oh, that’s kind of fun… Eh, next. And when you add that up… For me, after a couple of weeks, I was like, “How much time did I just fuckin’ spend idly going like this down my phone?” That’s when I used to read books. That’s when I used to talk to the people standing in front of me. And it really made me mad in New York because something I love about New York is its obviously vibrant citizenry fucking shoving, elbowing down the streets. Everybody’s living like a motherfucker. It just… Children, little old ladies. “Get the fuck outta my way.” And there’s this sense of like, “Hey, move. Move! Fuck you!” There’s a life. There’s a vibrancy. And now everyone is doing this, and so you have to go up to people and be like, “Excuse me. Fuck you. Sorry. Go ahead.” And so, what I said was I have to wean myself off of this. I eventually came back to Twitter, admittedly, but I announced I’m only going to disseminate information, I’m not going to participate socially, and it’s working. Because I made that announcement, I don’t feel like I have to like, “What did everybody say?” Because that would take up my whole day and I wouldn’t get to make shit out of wood and I wouldn’t get to write these hilarious jokes about the Bible. Here’s the thing that I’m suggesting. Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something. That’s what I’m saying. Take the cleverness you apply to Words With Friends or Scrambly Town and apply it to making some kick-ass cornbread. Cornbread With Friends. Try that game. Everybody loves that fucking game. I liken learning a new discipline to, uh, giving oral sex. The first few times you do it, you’re gonna embarrass yourself, you’re gonna ruin some raw materials, you’re gonna contract some flesh wounds. And after a few times, you start to get the hang of it. In woodworking… Everybody knows what a chisel is. It’s a long, flat piece of steel, the end of which forms a wedge-shaped tip that you sharpen to a very sharp edge, so sharp and strong that you can use it to shave wood like soap or butter. And the first time you do that correctly, you’re hooked, you’re bewitched. And everything in a wood shop is just some version of that chisel. A saw blade in a circular saw is just 36 little chisels in a machine that spins around. It’s all just a form of a chisel shaping wood. And when you realize, “I can shape this wood into anything I want to,” it’s so powerful and I know that I have a lifetime of study in front of me that will be incredibly pleasing, just like eating pussy. And furthermore, if you have one of these miracle machines called the human body, these things are insane. Have you guys seen shit like… fuckin’… Have you seen crazy, like, fuckin’… That’s just the tip of the iceberg, ladies and gentlemen. These things are insane. We all have one of these. I can shovel a fucking trench a mile long. I can build a barn. There’s all these things I can do, and then there are things much more talented people can do that are way better than that. But we all have our place. And I just feel like, if you have one of these, we’re somewhat obligated to do more with it than work out these muscles and these muscles. That’s all. I feel like it makes for a much more delicious life. And I can’t talk about tips for prosperity without talking about the joy of work, finding work that you love. It’s so sad that so much of our society says, “Man, thank God it’s Friday. Thank God five of the seven days of my life are fucking over, because I hate five-sevenths of my life. Now I’m gonna spend two-sevenths getting drunk at The Olive Garden so I don’t have to think about the upcoming five-sevenths. Thank God!” That’s so sad. Find something to do that you love, or at least something you can do that you can tolerate so that you can then have time to do what you love after work. Maybe it’s grow things in the garden or whatnot, fuck cantaloupes, whatever your thing is. It’s your business. I’m not asking questions. But, I mean, work is a privilege. You just have to find the right work. I mean, we’ve got a long life to live, and you can’t just watch videos and hang out in the pool. I’ve tried that. It’s cool for a minute, and then you’re super depressed. Like, “What, am I gonna just fuckin’ lay in the pool? I should be fucking making salad forks.” We’ve lost the notion that working outside and working at things that take muscle or things that get you dirty… We’ve come to think of those types of work as being beneath us, and that’s wrong. Those kinds of work are really noble. It’s amazing. Like… Don’t clap for me. Clap for the farmers of America. ‘Cause they’re still there. Like, there’s this huge population that we’re not really aware of ’cause they’re not on UpRocks.com or wherever else we look. They’re not there. They’re out there, like, shouldering the burden for so much of our country. All I’m saying is that the internal combustion engine, the telephone, the hardline telephone… amazing miracles in their day. But the thing about the phone, when you hang it up on the wall, you then don’t come back every few minutes to see if it’s gonna do something cool. “No, hang on, you guys. Hang on. No, it just… I wanna see if it’s gonna refresh or… I know. I wanna come play baseball, too, but… there might be a worthy distraction. You guys go ahead.” That’s all I’m saying, is baseball is better… than waiting for that. Get your hands dirty. Make shit with your hands. Give excellent head. Get a hobby. By the way, had a little news. I’ve heard some rumblings. I just want to take a brief moment to say something to the gentlemen. If a lady says to you, “I can’t wait to get your dick in my mouth, I love to suck your dick,” she is lying to you. She’s telling you a beautiful lie. She’s giving you a generous gift. You need to reciprocate that shit. You guys, it’s a relationship. It’s absolutely equal. When you think about it, a dick… is like a thumb with a pee hole. How good can your thumb taste? You know, they’re not sitting at work, thinking, “Man, I wanna fucking get Eric’s dick in my mouth ASAP. I just love the way his dick tastes.” That’s false. They’re giving you a gift, guys. Give it back. It’s only fair. I wish this song was about eating pussy. I just wrote this. ♪ On the Internet ♪ ♪ It’s all intercept… ♪ ♪ But not every opinion is rendered… ♪ – Stop the audio. Shut it down now. – Why? Who the hell are you? I’m an intellectual property attorney, and you have stolen my client’s melody. No, but it falls under parody. Biggest misconception in the world. No, you can change all the lyrics you want, but that tune of notes belongs to the Cash estate. Your musical plagiarism is perfectly actionable. – Actionable? – It means I’m able to take action, which is what we’re doing. I’m sorry, but my hands are bound. Is “actionable” a word? “Actionable.” Yes, it’s a word. – In Cambridge, perhaps. – It’s a word. What you’re saying is talking-able. The tune of your song, I state offline, that we just interrupted is obviously recognizable as I Walk the Line by Johnny Cash. I really think Johnny Cash would enjoy my song wholeheartedly. It’s about getting off the computer and going outside and respecting life and tasting… Please. Stop saying “tasting.” I’m not interested in your blue prurient language. Oh, for example, may I draw your attention, please, to the line, quote, “my wife and I will use one another like whores.” “Whores,” Mr. Offerman. What is that poetry meant to evoke? Love or laughter? Perhaps you’re right. Maybe he would have taken pleasure in your particularly vermillion tint of smut. Maybe his family is better off without his disgusting habits of rutting and buggery, and whatever other Pink Floyd scenarios he enjoyed. Maybe Johnny Cash was a disgusting monster. Go on. You know you don’t have to hit me for it to be assault. Um… it’s a good-hearted song. It’s about tasting… Oh! Oh, here we go, Margaret. Exhibit B: Quote, “my wife and I like to suckle at each other’s tits. I jam my balls inside her so deep, it gives her the shits.” Are you enjoying this? – Are you proud of that? – It gives her the shits. You’re laughing? That’s the best lyric in the song. Hang on, sir. If you’ll just let me… Let you what? Jam parts of you into me so deeply that I, too, am forced to defecate? No! God. I… I will comply with this order. I get it. I don’t agree with it, but I will respect it. I just wanted to say that my song is about tasting… Fine. Tasting what? Pussy. A song no one will ever see in this special because it’s cut. They can probably find it on YouTube. Who are you… Don’t worry about it. – What are you doing? – Nothin’. Why are you looking over my shoulder and winking? I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s just you and I here in my wood shop. Mr. Offerman, if you are somehow suggesting that you’re going to inform people that they can search for your songs on YouTube, I must ask you to stop. The song that I am legally prohibited from showing you is about eating pussy. Thank you. I thank you. That’s what I love about Megan. I was working on that song. I was running her through these lyrics, and she said, “That one is pretty good, but I feel like it should be dirtier, like we should be sucking on each other’s tits or something.” And I said, “I fucking love you.” And then, of course, I had to top it. And so I said, “Okay, how about this?” And I read her back about shoving my balls inside her, and she laughed so hard, she fell on the kitchen floor. And I said, “We’re gonna stay together forever. You’re all right with me, lady.” Number six: Go outside. Remain. Ooh. Number seven: Avoid the mirror. The mirror, avoid it. The mirror should be a maintenance tool. The mirror should be for checking to see if you have shit on your face. It is not. It has become so much more. It’s even more evil than that bitch in Snow White or that even more evil bitch in The Chronicles of Narnia, because the mirror is a conduit. You can imagine the tunnels that shoot off your mirror and connect with a network that go to all the billboards and magazine stands and advertisements. Bless you. And we’ve all been programmed for decades with this barrage of messaging, so that when you look in the mirror, you don’t just see this. You see this, but you also see what you’ve been taught to compare it to. So I see my face, and I see Keira Knightley. And you get stressed out that you don’t look like people on magazines. You get upset. It’s so sad when you see your friends. You’re like, “Why do you weigh 72 pounds? There’s bacon.” Like… And you go buy shit or pay surgeons to cut your face open and take shit out or put shit in. What the fuck? If you’re gonna spend your money, get something that works every time, like bacon. How… How bad can it be that cutting your nose off and, like, sculpting it with inorganic shit… Be like, “Oh, thank God. Phew! If you saw me before. My nose was a slightly different shape. Like… But after like thousands of dollars and a painful surgery, now it has a slightly… more of a button on it.” What’s the matter with you? Are you a human being? Then you’re beautiful. Do you have one of these? Then you’re fucking beautiful. Go out… What you’re doing is comparing an organic form, designed by nature, with an anorexic, airbrushed erotic cartoon. It’s never gonna match up. And if it does, it’s gonna be gross. If you go out in this beautiful part of the country and collect one leaf from every deciduous tree and one needle or pinecone from every conifer, take them all over to the Javits Center and lay them out in a vast array and then go through them one by one, you will not find one that’s not fucking gorgeous. There are some that are super fucked up compared to that other one, but those trees aren’t worrying about it. “Yeah, being an elm is okay, but have you seen the sycamores? They’re fucking amazing.” It’s all beautiful. Do your friends and family, do your loved ones give you affection? It’s ’cause you’re beautiful. If you’re not getting enough affection, try upping the hygiene. You’re beautiful. Just wash it. I eschew the mirror as much as possible. We have a mirror in our foyer. I keep my keys and my pocket items there. When I’m leaving the house, I get my keys, my knife, my vise grips. Good to go. And I’m out the door. Just give it a glance. If you have leaves in your hair, that should be addressed. Draw a line. Avoid the mirror. Number eight: Maintain a relationship with Jesus Christ. If it is getting you sex. I love that pause. When I was in high school, there was a cheerleader who was also a ballerina, who was also a born-again Christian. Fucking hot. Right? So hot. I was obsessed with her. She was super smart, super funny, charisma coming out of her ears. I wanted her. The problem was she would only date you if you went whole-hog, full-on born-again Christian, which would have been insane. So I did that. “I go where? Yeah. And I cry? Okay, great.” No hesitation. “Jesus? Yeah, I fuckin’ love him. He’s my savior.” I got saved, and we started dating. And after four or five months of fellowship and prayer, togetherness, we rutted like filthy beasts. We would say, “Mom, Dad, Lynette and I are gonna go to Jesus camp in Wisconsin for three weeks.” Because we did. We went to Jesus camp. And we took part in the Jesus activities… the Jesus log roll, the Jesus potato sack race… the Jesus hammer throw. That was my event. They say one of mine is still going. On a clear night it can be sometimes seen over the upper peninsula of Michigan. “There goes that Christian boy’s hammer. 1986.” That’s what people from Michigan sound like. “Welcome to Detroit.” We would take part in all of the Jesus games with the other children. Then we would go and 69 in the woods for three hours. And we were just discovering the joys of mawing each other’s crotches. Like, “Oh, it feels like that when I fucking maw on your crotch?” Just fucking mouthing pussy and balls and taint and mud and leaves. Wisconsin mud is both clean and tasty. Just fucking rub our face in that shit. “Whoa, that feels amazing. Whah! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!” Remember those first sensations? Yah! You’re like… I’m either going to the hospital or this is amazing. Whoo hoo-hoo hoo-hoo-hoo! Then we would go sit around the campfire and sing Jesus Is the Rock and He Rolls My Blues Away with the other children. The moral of this story… is that no matter what religion or school of thought or scout troop you belong to, you should always remember that it’s just a school of thought. And I don’t like the way organizations like that can really judge and single people out and make them pariahs. If we had been found out that we were simply having a really great sex life, we would’ve been, like, cast out of our society, and I think that’s terrible. We cared about each other. We were good to each other. It was consensual. It went on for three to four years. And it was a great time. We learned to have a nice relationship. And so I think, rather than pay attention to the hard-fast rules, we should pay more attention to simply how decent we are to one another, especially if you’re getting laid. Jesus camp fever. Catch it. It’s worth it. Number nine: Use intoxicants. Tonight I’m going to alter that to simply say: “Continue to use intoxicants.” I feel like you might be the choir in this instance. I’ve spoken a little bit tonight about the pleasures of hard work. One of the greatest pleasures of hard work is, when you’re done, you get to put on a fucking buzz. It’s a deal that we have in our country that’s an amazing deal. If you see your wastrel friend at the liquor store, like, “John, what’s up with the 12-pack?” “Sorry, man.” “Do you even have your paper route anymore?” “Sorry. I’ll put it back. I’ll just get beef jerky.” But if you see the same friend and say, “John, what’s with the 12-pack?” And he says, “I just got off a shift at the lumber mill,” you say, “Enjoy those 12 beers, John.” That’s the deal we have. It’s a great deal. I love working hard. I love it, spending a day in my shop, using my muscles, getting filthy. It’s so fun. Maybe it’s a boy thing, but I love to get dirty. Covered in sawdust, sweaty, exhausted, that first icy Corona tastes like the jizz of the Lord, ladies and gentlemen. Which I have to imagine is the most magnificent drink, that luminous pearly mead. The beverage of glory. It’s gotta be the best. When we work hard, we have earned the right to use intoxicants. If you just use intoxicants… and I’ve crunched the numbers on this one, too… you get depressed. It’s so great to strike a balance. Beer, wine, whiskey and the lesser spirits. Taken in the proper doses and used safely, intoxicants can provide some of the most beautiful and joyous moments in your life. They can certainly ignite your creativity and just be fucking really fun. Or you can use them like an asshole and ruin it for the rest of us who just wanted to get high and go outside and look at a maple leaf. Sometimes religion and intoxicants can be combined for an especially far-out trip. Some years ago, a lovely young lady exploded onto the national pop country Christian scene with her nauseating hit song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. I’m really upset about this song. This song has a terrible message. This song was hugely popular, and I don’t understand why Miss Underwood was not called out for her asinine message. This young lady is driving to Cincinnati to spend Christmas with her mom and dad. Her baby is in the backseat. She’s got a lot on her mind. She hits an icy part of the road. The car begins to skid. She throws her hands up in the air… and exhorts, “Jesus, take the wheel… because I can’t do this on my own.” You better fucking do it on your own. Your child is in the vehicle. I have nothing bad to say about prayer. Maybe pray while turning into the skid. Definitely keep your hands on the fucking wheel! So I’ve written my own version of that soulful ballad. Let’s all bow our heads for this one, please. ♪ I was haulin’ ass… ♪ ♪ Told me to come to the town hall tonight and sing you this song ♪ Whoopsy-daisy. Me again. That’s right. I also represent Carrie Underwood. She makes me wear bolo ties, bathe from head to toe in Chaps cologne, and speech it mellow like the juveniles. – Oh, Jesus. – No, no Jesus. Not for you. In regard to your laughable parody of her widely lauded song, Jesus, Take the Wheel, Miss Underwood has given me the directive to perform upon you a metaphorical basketball rejection. So please consider your shot forcibly blocked, Dr. Julius Swerving. You have been acquired by me. Are you trying to say you owned me? There is no trying up in this mug, no. You belong to me. I think the saying is “I owned you” or “You were owned.” I’m afraid you have it backwards. You are the one who has been taken possession of by me… in this milkshake yard. Okay, here’s the deal. Jesus, Take the Wheel was actually not written by Carrie Underwood. So you can’t actually stop me from playing this song. It was written by three other people… uh, Brett James, Hillary Lindsey and Gordie Sampson. I know. Will you please excuse me while I make an emergency phone call totally unrelated to this? Hi. Penelope? No, three others. Uh… Mm-hmm. Yes. Very good. Oh, dear. I regret to inform you that I now represent all three actual writer-composers. So it would appear as though I have neatly shoved the basketball downward through the goal hoop. And what is their objection to this… Please, Mr. Offerman. It is egregiously sacrilegious. In your work you claim that Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth got so much smoke it would have made Galactus, Eater of Planets, choke. I’m familiar myself with Galactus. I asked Shale from our I.T. department, a young person, what that meant, who informs me that Galactus is a deity of fictional stripe, a denizen of the universe created by Marvel Comic Book scribes. You don’t know Galactus? Galactus is amazing. – I’m not a Scientologist. – Marvel universe? He’s enormous. He’s purple. He looks like he’s got an end table upside down on his head. He’s so big that he eats… Please don’t say “pussy.” I was going to say that he eats planets. Don’t act like it’s insane for me to say you were going to say “eating pussy.” You’ve been talking about eating pussy a lot. Well, my audience thinks it’s funny. Funny? In the song you threaten to lynch the pope. That was written before this cool new pope. Oh, my God. Do you think the cool new pope is Galactus? Galactus eats planets. The pope… The pope does not eat pussy, Mr. Offerman. – He’s pretty cool. – That’s right. He’s probably up in the Vatican with all those nuns… No, Mr. Offerman, the pope does not eat nun pussy. I’m saying he gets some nun pussy. Please tell me I did not just witness the birth of a song called Some Nun Pussy. You may well have. It’s outrageous, and my clients will not have it. Don’t worry about it. Stop looking over my shoulder, Mr. Offerman. Please stop it. One second. Anyway, Galactus, I’ll catch you later. You can check out my song on YouTube. ♪ Then Jesus ♪ ♪ Cleaned the screen ♪♪ Thank you. Let’s just review… Let’s wrap it up real quick. Engage in romantic love, which will give you many opportunities to say “please” and “thank you” and use your handkerchief. Eat red meat. Perhaps make that part of your discipline when you get a hobby. Go outside. On your way there, avoid the mirror. And maintain a relationship with Jesus Christ, preferably while using intoxicants. All of these nine tips add up to form number ten: paddle your own canoe. Thank you very much for having me. ♪ Siddhartha says ♪ ♪ Life is like a river ♪ ♪ The thought of watching it pass me by ♪ ♪ Causes me to shiver ♪ ♪ So I grab life by the balls ♪ ♪ I got 10 tips to deliver ♪ ♪ Get off your caboose ♪ ♪ Paddle your own canoe ♪ ♪ Take the road less traveled ♪ ♪ Says Robert Frost ♪ ♪ Keep your stone rollin’ ♪ ♪ So it don’t accumulate no moss ♪ ♪ Leave the faint of heart ♪ ♪ Sucking on your exhaust ♪ ♪ Thunder Road ♪ ♪ Live a little life ♪ ♪ And paddle your own canoe ♪ ♪ Don’t while it away ♪ ♪ Masturbating in the ditches ♪ ♪ Put your tackle away ♪ ♪ And hitch up your britches ♪ ♪ Then provision your boat ♪ ♪ With several pulled porks and witches ♪ ♪ Indulge in savory meat stuffs ♪ ♪ Paddle your own canoe ♪ ♪ Young Teddy Roosevelt ♪ ♪ Was a weak little puss ♪ ♪ But he exercised ♪ ♪ And became quite an ornery cuss ♪ ♪ Till he could whoop a bear ♪ ♪ And also Cuba without a fuss ♪ ♪ But got number 26 ♪ ♪ And paddled his own canoe ♪ ♪ You like to smoke some reefer ♪ ♪ And you like to dance ♪ ♪ The preacher tells you to keep your pecker in your pants ♪ ♪ But that preacher’d be kissing your nephew ♪ ♪ Given half the chance ♪ ♪ You should spend your Sundays ♪ ♪ Paddling your own canoe ♪ ♪ I might have mentioned ♪ ♪ Jesus Christ himself got high in my van ♪ ♪ I told him I wouldn’t go to church ♪ ♪ And he shook my hand ♪ ♪ He said, “My son, just let me run inside and use the can ♪ ♪ Number two ♪ ♪ Then let’s get some Doritos ♪ ♪ And paddle your sweet canoe” ♪ ♪ What would Jesus do? ♪ ♪ Paddle my goddamn canoe ♪♪ Thank you. Thank you. | Good evening. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good Christ, people. Yeah! Minor nudity was advertised. Minor nudity achieved. Drink it in. Life can be this delicious. Before I wrap it all the way up, I’d like to extend a… personal thank you to a local establishment known as Virgil’s Barbecue. The left portion is the pork ribs. The brisket’s sitting on top. Hush puppies, mac ‘n’ cheese, beans, – ridiculous jalapeño corn bread muffins. – Yeah! People often say to me… well, enough that I would remark upon it. “Nick,” they say, “where the hell did you come from? How did this occur that you are standing on the stage of the venerated Town Hall speaking to us?” And I answer them the same every time. I honestly have no fucking idea how this happened, but I’m very grateful. I’m minding my manners. And I’m reminded of some words of Thomas Jefferson, of course, who said, “I’m a great believer in luck. And I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it.” So if we’re going to talk about hard work, if we’re going to talk about luck being the moment when opportunity meets with preparation, I can’t do that without immediately thinking of my mom and dad, Ric and Cathy Offerman, two of the finest Americans you will ever hope to countenance. They did this. I don’t know that they particularly meant to do this, but, by God, they did it. They have been incredible teachers to me in my life. I’m interminably in their debt. And they’re followed closely by the ridiculous stack of curves and comedy juggernaut that is my legal property, Megan Mullally. That’s right. That’s how I feel about that lady. Some of my most beautiful acreage. Read the paperwork. Shit is mine. Despite a life full of jackassery, I’ve managed to retain some of the choice lessons from these teachers of mine. And I thought I would pass them along to you in a show that I’ve entitled American Ham: My 10 Tips for a Prosperous Life. I’m not gonna be testing you this evening on my 10 tips, but life will be giving you a pop quiz for the rest of your livelong days. So it might behoove you to mind your P’s and Q’s. End preface. Number one: Engage in romantic love. I don’t know what I did to get so goddamn lucky to land the wife that I did. But I’m what the literati have often referred to as “A lucky son of a bitch.” But I can tell you that I intend to keep this sweet gig that I found myself, and one of the ways I do it is by indulging in romanticism. I’m a sap. My whole life I’ve been a romantic. I used to be made fun of in school. And I learned later that it was because the people making fun of me were not getting any. I knew even in school, you know. “Oh, you guys kissing in the hallway?” Yes. That’s because I can’t get a blowjob in the hallway. How’s football goin’, bro? That’s what’s up. I realized one day… I was driving to work. We had been dating, and I realized I was going to marry her. And I was pissed off because I would have liked to have been consulted in the matter. But I was not. We’re very lucky, Megan and I. We have figured out how to stay together in a business that’s really hard to stay together in. As a couple of Hollywood hotshots, people expect us to be skipping down to the Whisky a Go Go with the Sheen family and eating bath salts, or whatever they’re eating now to see shit weird. But we do not. Every time Emilio calls me, I demure, “Not tonight, bro. You guys have fun.” We stay home. We’re boring. That’s a key. It really is. We’re homebodies. We love to stay in and read books and play cards and do puzzles. We watch HGTV. We do a shitload of cocaine and then… and mainly focus on puzzling. “Honey, give me the fucking sky pieces!” Fucking love puzzles. There’s something so soothing about a field of cerulean blue when I’m using amphetamines. We make our marriage a priority. That’s key. If you want a healthy marriage… It’s like raising a shrub. You have to make it a priority. You have to water it and fertilize it and talk nice to it and caress it and nibble on its clitoris… with regularity. You gotta stick with it. That’s a horticulture term. I don’t know if we… have a lot of green thumbs in the house tonight, but… look it up. In our business, one of the things that can kill a relationship is success, ’cause one of you gets a sweet job in L.A., one of you gets a great job in New York. You get the call. Peter Jackson wants you in New Zealand for 38 months for a role called Frodo Baggins. I turned that shit down. For love. I think that kid that got it did a nice job. He was also very cute. I did, however, get to read for… Gimli the dwarf. I’m still trying to… trying to ferret the compliment out of that situation. My wife turned 50 a few years ago, which is a big birthday in a society that bases a lot of systems on the number 100. And I said, “Honey, this is a big birthday. Do you want something special? A bauble of some sort?” And she said, “No. You know, just make me one of your cards.” By the way, if you’re in a relationship, make your significant other a fucking card, please. I always make cards for Megan. I make her lots of gifts as well. Every time I’m doing it around my friends or coworkers, they always say the same thing… “Oh, thanks a lot, man. You make us look so bad. Every time you make a card, my wife points it out to me.” And I say, “Let me tell you something, Rob Lowe. I’m gonna tell you right to your face, you turn those blue-gles on anybody and you don’t have to do shit. Please just keep looking at me.” His face is magic. I say to the rest of my friends that don’t have insane blue eyes, “Go to your printer. There’s paper in there. Find the paper. Take a sheet of it. Fold it in half. Draw a heart on it. Open it up. Write ‘I love you.’ Sign your name. You will get so kissed. You will be kissed so much more voluptuously than from any bullshit you can buy at the mall.” Thank you. Here’s a bonus: Go outside and find a tiny piece of nature… a leaf, a twig, a stone, a shell, a chrysalis. Adhere it in the center of the heart… and then get stretched out because you’re going for a ride to the realm of coitus. So she said, “Make me one of your cards. Do one of your funny dances. You know what? Actually there’s something I would love for my birthday. I would love a rainbow for my birthday.” And I said, “Thank you, honey. I’m very glad I asked you.” And I made a few calls that were fruitless. NBC did not help. And I thought I was fucked until I realized an important lesson… that I could make a rainbow out of art. And so this is actually the first song I wrote. I wrote it for my wife on her 50th birthday… The Rainbow Song. ♪ You read me my rights When you arrested me ♪ ♪ You put me on trial And gave me life ♪ ♪ But orange you glad I didn’t say “banana” ♪ ♪ When you made me your bitch And I made you my wife? ♪ ♪ “You yellow,” you yell when I ball a melon ♪ ♪ But you don’t complain when I cook up some smack ♪ ♪ We’re both agreein’ to serve our time ♪ ♪ If I drop the soap I know you’ll watch my crack ♪ ♪ Please enjoy this rainbow song ♪ ♪ And this gift of leprechaun romance ♪ ♪ Please enjoy as part of this well-balanced breakfast ♪ ♪ The Lucky Charms You will find in my pants ♪ ♪ You blew me away ♪ ♪ When you sang “Shock the Monkey” ♪ ♪ Your fingers inside me Let the games begin ♪ ♪ Indigo is a tough one to pun with ♪ ♪ But when we’re apart It’s the mood that I’m in ♪ ♪ We get along so well We could never be compared ♪ ♪ To Jesus of Nazareth and Pontius Pilate ♪ ♪ But if you’ll endure the slight of calling me “sir” ♪ ♪ I’ll be Peppermint Patty to your Violet ♪ ♪ Please let this song be a rainbow ♪ ♪ I’ve got my Cialis So I shall not fail ♪ ♪ Please don’t deny my advances ♪ ♪ For tonight you’re going to take it in the pail ♪ That’s the butt. It’s what you thought. ♪ And please let this song be a rainbow ♪ ♪ I made it for you This shit cuts like a knife ♪ ♪ Forever I’ll follow this rainbow ♪ ♪ To that 50-year-old sweet pot of gold ♪ ♪ That seems to grow foxy instead of old ♪ ♪ From which I hope to never be paroled ♪ ♪ My angel in a centerfold ♪ ♪ She plays more than Sousa upon my fife ♪ ♪ My jaw-droppingly beautiful wife ♪♪ Thank you. Thank you. Number one: Engage in romantic love. Number two: Say “please” and “thank you.” Good manners should be applauded. I recently landed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to go… Thank you for your beer and sausage, not to mention your motherfucking cheese curds. Oh, boy. I was going to do a show in Milwaukee. And thanks to a U.S. air flight on an airline that shall remain nameless, that was 90 fucking minutes late, I was in a hurry. I was in a rental car. I was trying to get onto a crowded highway to get to my show, and I was on a ramp that was merging with another ramp. Folks, let’s talk about merging for a second. What the fuck? I think we all know by now you take turns. But sometimes when you’re in that side that has the advantage ’cause the other side’s trying to get in, you just can’t help it. It’s their turn, and you’re like, “No, motherfucker. No, no, no, no.” A gentleman performed this act upon me, and naturally, I was fucking incensed. You fucking kidding me? It’s merge, dude. It’s my turn. I had steam coming out my ears. And I pulled behind him, and everything changed. I realized that he was driving a salt-caked, pearlescent Chrysler 300… which is a fucking seriously badass attempt at a car… with the vanity plate “Thunder Road.” And I said, “You magnificent motherfucker. If you’re going to whip out your throbbing cudgel of a cock and bludgeon the rest of us about the face and mouth with your hot rod fuck wagon, you may have my place in line, sir. You, my friend, are living.” We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t care if you’re a librarian. I don’t care if you’re a litterbug. I don’t care if you’re a fan of celery. I don’t care if you’re that fucking guy. I don’t care how low you are. We’re all brothers and sisters on this planet. We’re all sharing this space, and we deserve the respect to treat one another with good manners. Say “please” and “thank you.” Get the door for each other. If somebody needs help with their groceries, jump up and give ’em a hand. You’ll feel so much better, you’ll blow their minds. It feels incredible. I can tell you I’ve crunched the numbers again and again. It’s a lot more fun to have eight people with one beer each than to have one dude with eight beers. It doesn’t… It sounds… incongruous… It sounds incongruous, but I’m telling you, I’ve been back and forth with this thing six ways to Sunday. I believe it was Jesus of Nazareth himself who said “love thy neighbor as thyself.” Wise words from the lamb of God. I just want to take a moment to point something out about the Bible. We’re gonna talk a little bit about the Bible tonight, you guys. Is the Bible full of great lessons? No question. Religious writings, in general… the Bible, the Qur’an, the Tao Te Ching. Grimm’s Fairy Tales, Battlestar Galactica, the redux. These holy texts are rife… with morals and lessons of value about how to be decent to one another and how to share our space and our planet. But when Jesus said something like “love thy neighbor as thyself”… I heard that in Sunday school, and I said, “Fucking nailed it, Jesus. That… That’s why you’re the teacher, my friend. Thank you.” And I went home, and I went to my neighbor Mr. Severson, and I said, “I like it like this, Mr. Severson. I get a little… It’s a little backhand. I’ve got this cleft in my palm. You feel that?” Mr. Severson liked it as well. He was my neighbor. We got along great. Into junior high, into high school, we had a great friendship. We don’t know that’s not what Jesus meant. We don’t. My interpretation provided a loving friendship… between two peoples on neighboring lands. Talking to you, Gaza Strip. Again, I have nothing against any religion or club, especially any get-together where people are like… “You know what? We’re fucked-up monkeys.” Like, a great part of our innate being is we wanna, like, fuck each other and eat each other and kill each other, and many of those things at the same time. We want to fuck each other while we shit in each other’s mouths, some of us. The permutations are endless. But we’ve learned, with socialization, it’s not cool to just go up to people and start doing stuff like that. So we’ve established these guidelines and we have these get-togethers of like… Everybody come to the big building just once a week. Let’s just remind ourselves not to shit in our neighbor’s wife’s mouth. Unless it’s consensual, you know. Nothing is set in stone. That’s great. And here’s all I’m requesting of our religious groups in the country and world, is go to that place. Go to your club. Go to the Bible… barn where you all get together, and talk about the lessons and learn about decency and compassion and how to treat one another. Then go to your job at the Senate and don’t talk… you don’t have to talk about the Bible. Just bring the decency and compassion like that… That’s all… I want to coin a phrase, and let’s try and get this going as a catchphrase. “A separation of church and state.” Or something like that. Like, just spread it out, see if it catches on. I really love that saying of Jesus, “love thy neighbor as thyself.” Unfortunately, he said it in the Book of Leviticus. And I think we all know by now that Leviticus is the most fucked-up book in the Old Testament. Leviticus, of course, is the book that details the punishments for menstruating women. If you like comedy, go home and curl up with Leviticus. The writers of The Onion are handed Leviticus when they show up for work the first day. As they say in Leviticus of a menstruating woman, “when her flowers be upon her, she is unclean, she must be sent away.” If she should touch any linens, those linens must be burned. If she sits in a chair, the chair is fucked. This is the Bible, you guys. What dicks who wrote this book of the Bible that were so freaked out with the simple nature of a woman’s body that they wrote it down in the Bible? The fuck? Do not fret, ladies. If you should be so filthy… there is hope in Leviticus. You may be exonerated if you bring two turtles to the priest at the temple. What the fuck is that? I’ve lost so much sleep on these turtles. What value did turtles once possess that we have no record of? I love… I love animals. I love nature. But I have torn open so many fucking turtles, looking for a pearl or… ambergris or spermaceti. I don’t… There must be something beyond their delicious meat. It’s upsetting to me. And I love to imagine these dicks that wrote the Book of Leviticus hanging out at the temple. They’ve written these guidelines. They’ve been disseminated among the people. And they’re just hanging out waiting for people to start showing up and being holy. And the leader of the dicks at one point says, “You guys, what’s with all these fucking turtles every place?” “Oh, sorry. Steve wrote that part. He just loves turtles. We don’t… I don’t know what it is with the turtles.” “Steve! Money or fucking wine, bro. We’ve been over this. You know what, Steve? You’re not writing any more of the Bible. Go… press some more olives. Shithead.” And that is the story of the lost book of Steve. Considered lower even than the Gnostics. Leviticus is also one of the places in the Bible that tells us homosexuality is an abomination. And I quote, “if a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, they have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.” The Bible! It fucking says that in the Bible. I disagree with that notion. I’m astonished that this never comes up. And these writers… “Hang on. Just give me one second, please. Two turtles to the temple, and she may be exonerated. Yeah. Two what, now? Excuse me? Two bros? What? Uh, they… Oh, Jesus. That is so uncool. They… And they fully love each other? Uh, yeah, kill ’em. I guess. Right, guys? What choice do we have?” And I’m very glad to be alive at a time when it’s finally evolved to the point where this issue is in the public eye and we’re finally fucking slowly turning it over. Thank God. 2013. How many decades has it been… The… How many years has it been since we shitty white people, with our hands in our pockets, were like, “You know what, you guys? No, no, no. Um, it’s cool. Everyone can ride the bus and sit wherever you want. That’s our bad. Um, it was confusing ’cause we used to capture you and own you like a commodity, so, you know… But, no, use the water fountains, all that stuff. Sorry.” That was before my lifetime. And now it’s 2013, and we’re still debating if, like, I don’t know, if we should give everybody the same stuff. Here’s the thing. It’s like two people loving each other and, with or without children, trying to build a loving, productive household and be good citizens. It sounds good, you know. They play a good game, but have you read Leviticus? So it’s great this issue is getting attention. However, I am irked by all the attention that it’s getting, all the ruckus and hubbub about same-sex marriage when all the while motherfucking vegetarians are marrying, bearing children… right on these streets. Their fucking… filthy herbivorous urchins are prancing down your sidewalks with a canvas bag full of kale. “I use one bag. I know how to pronounce ‘quinoa.'” And I am fucking pissed. They’re making a mockery of the sanctity of eating animal flesh. It shall not stand. Please. Please. They call it the Good Book. I find it a bit uneven. You know what is a good book? The motherfucking Hobbit. Or There and Back Again. That is a good fucking book. Instead of legislation founded squarely upon the Bible, I’d like to see… some laws pitched based on the writings of John Ronald Reuel Tolkien. That shit makes sense. Elrond was elected to lead the elves at Rivendell not only despite his androgynous nature but quite likely because of the magical leadership inherent in a well-appointed bisexual elf wizard. That’s the guy you want picking shit out for your community. Who do you want throwing your gala? Who do you want to hand menu selections and a color palette to? David Bowie or a fucking Mormon? What the fuck? Was Elrond in a gay marriage? We don’t know because it’s none of our goddamn business. Whatever the nature of his elvish lovemaking, which I happen to know a little something about… I can tell you this is a frighteningly accurate depiction. Their genitals are more velvety and bluish, but if there was a sheet here with a light behind it, you could not tell the difference. And they like to bring ’em in and stop, which is not quite touching, and then back out again. Fucking drives ’em crazy. That’s neither here nor there. The point is, no matter what Elrond was getting up to in the bedroom, it doesn’t matter what you do in your bedroom. You can do whatever you want, as long as you don’t hurt anybody or anybody’s property. If you’re in your bedroom, if you want to get it on with your elvish weird genitals, or if you want to take a cantaloupe and throw it in the microwave for 20, 30 seconds… Don’t go over 40. That pulpy center heats up. Let me tell you something for nothing. You want to put a 45-degree chamfer around the edge of that hole because that outer rind can really chafe. I’ve read this. I don’t know if it was Martha Stewart or… Dr. Phil. I don’t care… If that’s your thing, if you’re a melon fucker, don’t bring it in to the workplace. No matter what Elrond got up to, it did not affect his ability to perform his job like a boss. And that is to provide travelers with great directions. No matter what, the citizens of Middle-earth seemed to remain in pretty good spirits as long as they were packing Longbottom Leaf into their pipes. A lesson we could all do to pay a little attention to. And even on a long road trip to the dragon’s mountain lair, they did not forget to say “please” and “thank you.” I think you get it. Number three: Use a handkerchief, hand kerchief or hanky. Let’s see what I’m rockin’ tonight. Field of light taupe with red roses. Weren’t expecting that, were you? Another bonus: If you want to get with a lady… of a higher quality, start throwing around the color taupe. Boom. It’s quite magical. My dad had two rules when I was a kid: wear a clean white T-shirt every day and always carry a handkerchief. I said, “Dad, you can wear a T-shirt and look like a nerd or Ron Swanson. I’m gonna show a little chest bush and look like motherfuckin’ McConaughey.” Sadly, the reality is somewhere more between Chiklis and Sizemore, weird Belushi or Galifianakis cousin. When I suggest it, they say, “I don’t want a rag full of snot in my pocket or my purse.” Nor do I. Suggesting that you have toilet paper in your home doesn’t mean I want paper full of effluvia hanging around in the house. But if you’re at a bus stop and someone has a face and hand full of snot and mucus, you’re a motherfucking superhero. Think about all the occasions that a handkerchief saves the day. The list is endless. For drying someone’s tears… If a… Fuckin’ New York, man. An old lady is crying in the gutter. Yeah! Humorous in the right context. If someone’s tears need drying, if a severed artery is in need of a tourniquet. Use it as a hot pad to change the smoking magazine on your anti-tank weapon. Poke it into your hand to make a nifty pouch for collecting pussy willows and acorns and bear’s teeth down by the fightin’ ring. If you should find yourself in the vicinity of the Netherlands and you spot a hole in a dike, plug the hole with your hanky and go get some apple pancakes because that shit is delicious. There’s no way this is not gonna be my first hit single. ♪ Keep a handkerchief in your pocket ♪ ♪ That was my father’s rule ♪ ♪ It looked bitchin’ on my neck in Cub Scouts ♪ ♪ And it saved my bacon in school ♪ ♪ ‘Cause when I’d get whooped in a fight ♪ ♪ I’d never soil the floor ♪ ♪ I’d wrap it around my knife handle tight ♪ ♪ And even the fucking score ♪ ♪ Hankies can make you seem politer ♪ ♪ Wipe ejaculate from your chin ♪ ♪ Or when you break and enter ♪ ♪ Erase the prints from where you’ve been ♪ ♪ For gravy or mud or even menstrual blood ♪ ♪ It can protect your eyes from a spunky flood ♪ ♪ You just gotta have your hanky ♪ ♪ For wiping your tears when you wish ♪ ♪ You could still get hard after all of that wine ♪ ♪ And when you run out of toilet tissue ♪ ♪ A hanky will do just fine ♪ ♪ For a sniffle or a sneeze It’ll shoo away bees ♪ ♪ When you have to suck a dick It’s a cushion for your knees ♪ ♪ You just gotta have your hanky ♪ ♪ In love play with Justin Bieber ♪ ♪ Use your hanky as a gag ♪ ♪ Then he can play the naughty sweeper ♪ ♪ And clean your chimney with his sooty rag ♪ ♪ When your lover has been pleased it’ll wipe away the cheese ♪ ♪ And the suppuration from your venereal disease ♪ ♪ You just gotta have your hanky ♪ ♪ Dad, I always carry my hanky ♪ ♪ Thank you. Thank you. The Hanky Song. Number four: Eat red meat. Number five: Get a hobby. “Hobby” is an unfortunate word for something that can have such beautiful meaning in one’s life. On the plus side, it shares a root with the word “hobbit,” which could not be a more charismatic sequence of consonants and vowels. But on the downside, it’s just one of those words that sounds wrong. “Hobby.” Like “underpants.” So instead of “hobby” I choose to use the word “discipline.” Get a discipline. You may or may not know that when I’m not making an ass of myself in front of you or working as an actor, I’m making things out of wood in my shop in Los Angeles. Thank you for applauding. But I want you to take the notion of that applause and find the dozens, or hundreds, of local artisans around you that aren’t on Parks and Recreation. Go watch them make boots and stained glass and fucking soup and applaud for them and support them. Right now. Go. Good night. Woodworking and making things with your hands is not only not nerdy, it’s fucking sexy. It you want to, like, up the delicious factor in your life, find out what you love to make. And it could be so many things… food, music. One of my best friends is a CPA, and his thing is that he… Yeah, right on. Thank you. He loves to make all the numbers right. He’s admittedly OCD. But that’s his jam. He’s like, “I love to get everybody’s fucking paperwork.” And like… You’ve seen it… You know, simple mind. Like, all these fuckin’ numbers going down the screen. And he’s like… That’s his trip, where it’s like, yes, done, boom. Whatever it is, whatever it is you love to do, that is the sexiest part of you. And it hits a button. When you see somebody making something, it just hits that nesting button of, like, “Oh, you’re fucking knitting? You want to make a fucking nest and shit? Fuck yeah.” One of the things that, I think, keeps us from doing what we love and expressing what’s great about ourselves as individuals is the amazing inventions that have taken over the world, certainly our world. These things are incredible. It’s a miracle machine, these and the computer and the Internet and all that stuff. It’s insane. It’s going to, hopefully, bring our planet together in a network quickly enough so that our children and grandchildren can save the planet from us. Please. We’re sorry. Please clean up our shit. We love you. But the thing that I don’t like about those… And I’m speaking to you as an addict here. I tried Twitter last year for a couple of weeks. It pissed me off so much. I think it feeds on this part of human nature that always thinks things could be better for us somewhere else. If you’re not experiencing ecstasy, then you’re like, “Yeah, this is okay. But, man, it’d be fucking cool if I was in Tucson right now.” It’s something that we have. It’s the human condition where it’s like, “Aw, man. Here I am at NYU. Man, it’d be fucking so cool at Stanford.” Well, now we have a window in our pocket to Stanford and Tucson and wherever the fuck else we want to be. And we can distract ourselves. We fill in the lulls in our day with nothing on these devices. You finish your transaction. Gotta do my work. I gotta do this. I gotta pay attention. That’s done. What’s going on in Tucson? Okay. Kind of boring. Oh, that’s kind of fun… Eh, next. And when you add that up… For me, after a couple of weeks, I was like, “How much time did I just fuckin’ spend idly going like this down my phone?” That’s when I used to read books. That’s when I used to talk to the people standing in front of me. And it really made me mad in New York because something I love about New York is its obviously vibrant citizenry fucking shoving, elbowing down the streets. Everybody’s living like a motherfucker. It just… Children, little old ladies. “Get the fuck outta my way.” And there’s this sense of like, “Hey, move. Move! Fuck you!” There’s a life. There’s a vibrancy. And now everyone is doing this, and so you have to go up to people and be like, “Excuse me. Fuck you. Sorry. Go ahead.” And so, what I said was I have to wean myself off of this. I eventually came back to Twitter, admittedly, but I announced I’m only going to disseminate information, I’m not going to participate socially, and it’s working. Because I made that announcement, I don’t feel like I have to like, “What did everybody say?” Because that would take up my whole day and I wouldn’t get to make shit out of wood and I wouldn’t get to write these hilarious jokes about the Bible. Here’s the thing that I’m suggesting. Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something. That’s what I’m saying. Take the cleverness you apply to Words With Friends or Scrambly Town and apply it to making some kick-ass cornbread. Cornbread With Friends. Try that game. Everybody loves that fucking game. I liken learning a new discipline to, uh, giving oral sex. The first few times you do it, you’re gonna embarrass yourself, you’re gonna ruin some raw materials, you’re gonna contract some flesh wounds. And after a few times, you start to get the hang of it. In woodworking… Everybody knows what a chisel is. It’s a long, flat piece of steel, the end of which forms a wedge-shaped tip that you sharpen to a very sharp edge, so sharp and strong that you can use it to shave wood like soap or butter. And the first time you do that correctly, you’re hooked, you’re bewitched. And everything in a wood shop is just some version of that chisel. A saw blade in a circular saw is just 36 little chisels in a machine that spins around. It’s all just a form of a chisel shaping wood. And when you realize, “I can shape this wood into anything I want to,” it’s so powerful and I know that I have a lifetime of study in front of me that will be incredibly pleasing, just like eating pussy. And furthermore, if you have one of these miracle machines called the human body, these things are insane. Have you guys seen shit like… fuckin’… Have you seen crazy, like, fuckin’… That’s just the tip of the iceberg, ladies and gentlemen. These things are insane. We all have one of these. I can shovel a fucking trench a mile long. I can build a barn. There’s all these things I can do, and then there are things much more talented people can do that are way better than that. But we all have our place. And I just feel like, if you have one of these, we’re somewhat obligated to do more with it than work out these muscles and these muscles. That’s all. I feel like it makes for a much more delicious life. And I can’t talk about tips for prosperity without talking about the joy of work, finding work that you love. It’s so sad that so much of our society says, “Man, thank God it’s Friday. Thank God five of the seven days of my life are fucking over, because I hate five-sevenths of my life. Now I’m gonna spend two-sevenths getting drunk at The Olive Garden so I don’t have to think about the upcoming five-sevenths. Thank God!” That’s so sad. Find something to do that you love, or at least something you can do that you can tolerate so that you can then have time to do what you love after work. Maybe it’s grow things in the garden or whatnot, fuck cantaloupes, whatever your thing is. It’s your business. I’m not asking questions. But, I mean, work is a privilege. You just have to find the right work. I mean, we’ve got a long life to live, and you can’t just watch videos and hang out in the pool. I’ve tried that. It’s cool for a minute, and then you’re super depressed. Like, “What, am I gonna just fuckin’ lay in the pool? I should be fucking making salad forks.” We’ve lost the notion that working outside and working at things that take muscle or things that get you dirty… We’ve come to think of those types of work as being beneath us, and that’s wrong. Those kinds of work are really noble. It’s amazing. Like… Don’t clap for me. Clap for the farmers of America. ‘Cause they’re still there. Like, there’s this huge population that we’re not really aware of ’cause they’re not on UpRocks.com or wherever else we look. They’re not there. They’re out there, like, shouldering the burden for so much of our country. All I’m saying is that the internal combustion engine, the telephone, the hardline telephone… amazing miracles in their day. But the thing about the phone, when you hang it up on the wall, you then don’t come back every few minutes to see if it’s gonna do something cool. “No, hang on, you guys. Hang on. No, it just… I wanna see if it’s gonna refresh or… I know. I wanna come play baseball, too, but… there might be a worthy distraction. You guys go ahead.” That’s all I’m saying, is baseball is better… than waiting for that. Get your hands dirty. Make shit with your hands. Give excellent head. Get a hobby. By the way, had a little news. I’ve heard some rumblings. I just want to take a brief moment to say something to the gentlemen. If a lady says to you, “I can’t wait to get your dick in my mouth, I love to suck your dick,” she is lying to you. She’s telling you a beautiful lie. She’s giving you a generous gift. You need to reciprocate that shit. You guys, it’s a relationship. It’s absolutely equal. When you think about it, a dick… is like a thumb with a pee hole. How good can your thumb taste? You know, they’re not sitting at work, thinking, “Man, I wanna fucking get Eric’s dick in my mouth ASAP. I just love the way his dick tastes.” That’s false. They’re giving you a gift, guys. Give it back. It’s only fair. I wish this song was about eating pussy. I just wrote this. ♪ On the Internet ♪ ♪ It’s all intercept… ♪ ♪ But not every opinion is rendered… ♪ – Stop the audio. Shut it down now. – Why? Who the hell are you? I’m an intellectual property attorney, and you have stolen my client’s melody. No, but it falls under parody. Biggest misconception in the world. No, you can change all the lyrics you want, but that tune of notes belongs to the Cash estate. Your musical plagiarism is perfectly actionable. – Actionable? – It means I’m able to take action, which is what we’re doing. I’m sorry, but my hands are bound. Is “actionable” a word? “Actionable.” Yes, it’s a word. – In Cambridge, perhaps. – It’s a word. What you’re saying is talking-able. The tune of your song, I state offline, that we just interrupted is obviously recognizable as I Walk the Line by Johnny Cash. I really think Johnny Cash would enjoy my song wholeheartedly. It’s about getting off the computer and going outside and respecting life and tasting… Please. Stop saying “tasting.” I’m not interested in your blue prurient language. Oh, for example, may I draw your attention, please, to the line, quote, “my wife and I will use one another like whores.” “Whores,” Mr. Offerman. What is that poetry meant to evoke? Love or laughter? Perhaps you’re right. Maybe he would have taken pleasure in your particularly vermillion tint of smut. Maybe his family is better off without his disgusting habits of rutting and buggery, and whatever other Pink Floyd scenarios he enjoyed. Maybe Johnny Cash was a disgusting monster. Go on. You know you don’t have to hit me for it to be assault. Um… it’s a good-hearted song. It’s about tasting… Oh! Oh, here we go, Margaret. Exhibit B: Quote, “my wife and I like to suckle at each other’s tits. I jam my balls inside her so deep, it gives her the shits.” Are you enjoying this? – Are you proud of that? – It gives her the shits. You’re laughing? That’s the best lyric in the song. Hang on, sir. If you’ll just let me… Let you what? Jam parts of you into me so deeply that I, too, am forced to defecate? No! God. I… I will comply with this order. I get it. I don’t agree with it, but I will respect it. I just wanted to say that my song is about tasting… Fine. Tasting what? Pussy. A song no one will ever see in this special because it’s cut. They can probably find it on YouTube. Who are you… Don’t worry about it. – What are you doing? – Nothin’. Why are you looking over my shoulder and winking? I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s just you and I here in my wood shop. Mr. Offerman, if you are somehow suggesting that you’re going to inform people that they can search for your songs on YouTube, I must ask you to stop. The song that I am legally prohibited from showing you is about eating pussy. Thank you. I thank you. That’s what I love about Megan. I was working on that song. I was running her through these lyrics, and she said, “That one is pretty good, but I feel like it should be dirtier, like we should be sucking on each other’s tits or something.” And I said, “I fucking love you.” And then, of course, I had to top it. And so I said, “Okay, how about this?” And I read her back about shoving my balls inside her, and she laughed so hard, she fell on the kitchen floor. And I said, “We’re gonna stay together forever. You’re all right with me, lady.” Number six: Go outside. Remain. Ooh. Number seven: Avoid the mirror. The mirror, avoid it. The mirror should be a maintenance tool. The mirror should be for checking to see if you have shit on your face. It is not. It has become so much more. It’s even more evil than that bitch in Snow White or that even more evil bitch in The Chronicles of Narnia, because the mirror is a conduit. You can imagine the tunnels that shoot off your mirror and connect with a network that go to all the billboards and magazine stands and advertisements. Bless you. And we’ve all been programmed for decades with this barrage of messaging, so that when you look in the mirror, you don’t just see this. You see this, but you also see what you’ve been taught to compare it to. So I see my face, and I see Keira Knightley. And you get stressed out that you don’t look like people on magazines. You get upset. It’s so sad when you see your friends. You’re like, “Why do you weigh 72 pounds? There’s bacon.” Like… And you go buy shit or pay surgeons to cut your face open and take shit out or put shit in. What the fuck? If you’re gonna spend your money, get something that works every time, like bacon. How… How bad can it be that cutting your nose off and, like, sculpting it with inorganic shit… Be like, “Oh, thank God. Phew! If you saw me before. My nose was a slightly different shape. Like… But after like thousands of dollars and a painful surgery, now it has a slightly… more of a button on it.” What’s the matter with you? Are you a human being? Then you’re beautiful. Do you have one of these? Then you’re fucking beautiful. Go out… What you’re doing is comparing an organic form, designed by nature, with an anorexic, airbrushed erotic cartoon. It’s never gonna match up. And if it does, it’s gonna be gross. If you go out in this beautiful part of the country and collect one leaf from every deciduous tree and one needle or pinecone from every conifer, take them all over to the Javits Center and lay them out in a vast array and then go through them one by one, you will not find one that’s not fucking gorgeous. There are some that are super fucked up compared to that other one, but those trees aren’t worrying about it. “Yeah, being an elm is okay, but have you seen the sycamores? They’re fucking amazing.” It’s all beautiful. Do your friends and family, do your loved ones give you affection? It’s ’cause you’re beautiful. If you’re not getting enough affection, try upping the hygiene. You’re beautiful. Just wash it. I eschew the mirror as much as possible. We have a mirror in our foyer. I keep my keys and my pocket items there. When I’m leaving the house, I get my keys, my knife, my vise grips. Good to go. And I’m out the door. Just give it a glance. If you have leaves in your hair, that should be addressed. Draw a line. Avoid the mirror. Number eight: Maintain a relationship with Jesus Christ. If it is getting you sex. I love that pause. When I was in high school, there was a cheerleader who was also a ballerina, who was also a born-again Christian. Fucking hot. Right? So hot. I was obsessed with her. She was super smart, super funny, charisma coming out of her ears. I wanted her. The problem was she would only date you if you went whole-hog, full-on born-again Christian, which would have been insane. So I did that. “I go where? Yeah. And I cry? Okay, great.” No hesitation. “Jesus? Yeah, I fuckin’ love him. He’s my savior.” I got saved, and we started dating. And after four or five months of fellowship and prayer, togetherness, we rutted like filthy beasts. We would say, “Mom, Dad, Lynette and I are gonna go to Jesus camp in Wisconsin for three weeks.” Because we did. We went to Jesus camp. And we took part in the Jesus activities… the Jesus log roll, the Jesus potato sack race… the Jesus hammer throw. That was my event. They say one of mine is still going. On a clear night it can be sometimes seen over the upper peninsula of Michigan. “There goes that Christian boy’s hammer. 1986.” That’s what people from Michigan sound like. “Welcome to Detroit.” We would take part in all of the Jesus games with the other children. Then we would go and 69 in the woods for three hours. And we were just discovering the joys of mawing each other’s crotches. Like, “Oh, it feels like that when I fucking maw on your crotch?” Just fucking mouthing pussy and balls and taint and mud and leaves. Wisconsin mud is both clean and tasty. Just fucking rub our face in that shit. “Whoa, that feels amazing. Whah! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!” Remember those first sensations? Yah! You’re like… I’m either going to the hospital or this is amazing. Whoo hoo-hoo hoo-hoo-hoo! Then we would go sit around the campfire and sing Jesus Is the Rock and He Rolls My Blues Away with the other children. The moral of this story… is that no matter what religion or school of thought or scout troop you belong to, you should always remember that it’s just a school of thought. And I don’t like the way organizations like that can really judge and single people out and make them pariahs. If we had been found out that we were simply having a really great sex life, we would’ve been, like, cast out of our society, and I think that’s terrible. We cared about each other. We were good to each other. It was consensual. It went on for three to four years. And it was a great time. We learned to have a nice relationship. And so I think, rather than pay attention to the hard-fast rules, we should pay more attention to simply how decent we are to one another, especially if you’re getting laid. Jesus camp fever. Catch it. It’s worth it. Number nine: Use intoxicants. Tonight I’m going to alter that to simply say: “Continue to use intoxicants.” I feel like you might be the choir in this instance. I’ve spoken a little bit tonight about the pleasures of hard work. One of the greatest pleasures of hard work is, when you’re done, you get to put on a fucking buzz. It’s a deal that we have in our country that’s an amazing deal. If you see your wastrel friend at the liquor store, like, “John, what’s up with the 12-pack?” “Sorry, man.” “Do you even have your paper route anymore?” “Sorry. I’ll put it back. I’ll just get beef jerky.” But if you see the same friend and say, “John, what’s with the 12-pack?” And he says, “I just got off a shift at the lumber mill,” you say, “Enjoy those 12 beers, John.” That’s the deal we have. It’s a great deal. I love working hard. I love it, spending a day in my shop, using my muscles, getting filthy. It’s so fun. Maybe it’s a boy thing, but I love to get dirty. Covered in sawdust, sweaty, exhausted, that first icy Corona tastes like the jizz of the Lord, ladies and gentlemen. Which I have to imagine is the most magnificent drink, that luminous pearly mead. The beverage of glory. It’s gotta be the best. When we work hard, we have earned the right to use intoxicants. If you just use intoxicants… and I’ve crunched the numbers on this one, too… you get depressed. It’s so great to strike a balance. Beer, wine, whiskey and the lesser spirits. Taken in the proper doses and used safely, intoxicants can provide some of the most beautiful and joyous moments in your life. They can certainly ignite your creativity and just be fucking really fun. Or you can use them like an asshole and ruin it for the rest of us who just wanted to get high and go outside and look at a maple leaf. Sometimes religion and intoxicants can be combined for an especially far-out trip. Some years ago, a lovely young lady exploded onto the national pop country Christian scene with her nauseating hit song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. I’m really upset about this song. This song has a terrible message. This song was hugely popular, and I don’t understand why Miss Underwood was not called out for her asinine message. This young lady is driving to Cincinnati to spend Christmas with her mom and dad. Her baby is in the backseat. She’s got a lot on her mind. She hits an icy part of the road. The car begins to skid. She throws her hands up in the air… and exhorts, “Jesus, take the wheel… because I can’t do this on my own.” You better fucking do it on your own. Your child is in the vehicle. I have nothing bad to say about prayer. Maybe pray while turning into the skid. Definitely keep your hands on the fucking wheel! So I’ve written my own version of that soulful ballad. Let’s all bow our heads for this one, please. ♪ I was haulin’ ass… ♪ ♪ Told me to come to the town hall tonight and sing you this song ♪ Whoopsy-daisy. Me again. That’s right. I also represent Carrie Underwood. She makes me wear bolo ties, bathe from head to toe in Chaps cologne, and speech it mellow like the juveniles. – Oh, Jesus. – No, no Jesus. Not for you. In regard to your laughable parody of her widely lauded song, Jesus, Take the Wheel, Miss Underwood has given me the directive to perform upon you a metaphorical basketball rejection. So please consider your shot forcibly blocked, Dr. Julius Swerving. You have been acquired by me. Are you trying to say you owned me? There is no trying up in this mug, no. You belong to me. I think the saying is “I owned you” or “You were owned.” I’m afraid you have it backwards. You are the one who has been taken possession of by me… in this milkshake yard. Okay, here’s the deal. Jesus, Take the Wheel was actually not written by Carrie Underwood. So you can’t actually stop me from playing this song. It was written by three other people… uh, Brett James, Hillary Lindsey and Gordie Sampson. I know. Will you please excuse me while I make an emergency phone call totally unrelated to this? Hi. Penelope? No, three others. Uh… Mm-hmm. Yes. Very good. Oh, dear. I regret to inform you that I now represent all three actual writer-composers. So it would appear as though I have neatly shoved the basketball downward through the goal hoop. And what is their objection to this… Please, Mr. Offerman. It is egregiously sacrilegious. In your work you claim that Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth got so much smoke it would have made Galactus, Eater of Planets, choke. I’m familiar myself with Galactus. I asked Shale from our I.T. department, a young person, what that meant, who informs me that Galactus is a deity of fictional stripe, a denizen of the universe created by Marvel Comic Book scribes. You don’t know Galactus? Galactus is amazing. – I’m not a Scientologist. – Marvel universe? He’s enormous. He’s purple. He looks like he’s got an end table upside down on his head. He’s so big that he eats… Please don’t say “pussy.” I was going to say that he eats planets. Don’t act like it’s insane for me to say you were going to say “eating pussy.” You’ve been talking about eating pussy a lot. Well, my audience thinks it’s funny. Funny? In the song you threaten to lynch the pope. That was written before this cool new pope. Oh, my God. Do you think the cool new pope is Galactus? Galactus eats planets. The pope… The pope does not eat pussy, Mr. Offerman. – He’s pretty cool. – That’s right. He’s probably up in the Vatican with all those nuns… No, Mr. Offerman, the pope does not eat nun pussy. I’m saying he gets some nun pussy. Please tell me I did not just witness the birth of a song called Some Nun Pussy. You may well have. It’s outrageous, and my clients will not have it. Don’t worry about it. Stop looking over my shoulder, Mr. Offerman. Please stop it. One second. Anyway, Galactus, I’ll catch you later. You can check out my song on YouTube. ♪ Then Jesus ♪ ♪ Cleaned the screen ♪♪ Thank you. Let’s just review… Let’s wrap it up real quick. Engage in romantic love, which will give you many opportunities to say “please” and “thank you” and use your handkerchief. Eat red meat. Perhaps make that part of your discipline when you get a hobby. Go outside. On your way there, avoid the mirror. And maintain a relationship with Jesus Christ, preferably while using intoxicants. All of these nine tips add up to form number ten: paddle your own canoe. Thank you very much for having me. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/comedy-central-patton-oswalt-1999-full-transcript/ | COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: PATTON OSWALT (1999) – Full Transcript | comedy central | (Announcer) from New York City, Comedy Central presents Patton Oswalt (cheering) Thank you. Thanks. Oh, thank you all for coming out. This makes it nice, having an audience for my special. Thank you very much. You know, remember when you were a little kid, and your friends would be out playing a game like cowboys and Indians or fort, some game where there was, like, fake boundaries? So they would say, “okay, the bike path over at the scaffetys’ is lava, “and if you touch that, you’re dead. “And then the hedges over at the slingerlands’ “are poison snakes, “and if you go over there, “they’ll bite you and you’re dead. And those are the boundaries.” But you weren’t there when they started playing. Like, you show up an hour later, ’cause you’re going to the pool. You’re like, “hey, guys, I’m gonna go to the pool.” And they say, “hey, don’t touch the bike path, it’s lava! Don’t– the hedges are snakes!” And you’ve gotta say, “oh, I’m not– “guys, I wasn’t here when you did all that. “I’m just going to the pool. It doesn’t affect me.” Do you know what I’m talking about? That’s pretty much how I treat the pot laws in this country. Kinda the same way, you know, just the whole… “Patton, you can’t… You can’t have that, it’s illegal.” “Oh, I’m not– go ahead. “I wasn’t here when you did all that. “Yeah, I know, okay, don’t worry about it, it’s– “I know, it’s lava– it’s just marijuana. “Don’t worry, see ? It’s fine. Don’t worry.” I like– well, I don’t like reading the obituaries, but I read the obituaries a lot, because it just seems to me that people that write the obituaries either wanna be p.r. People or they’re failed p.r. People, and they’re trying to keep it going. “Hey, look, I spun death!” For instance, in the obituaries, no one ever dies of cancer. People always give in after a valiant battle with cancer, or they throw in the towel after a courageous fight, which, statistically, that can’t be possible. There had to have been a couple of cowardly ordeals in there. You know what I mean ? Like “bob smith died today “after a craven, cowardly ordeal with cancer, “during which he wished the disease “on his family and friends, “and attempted a pact with Satan “which left his basement covered in goat’s blood “and four boxes of chalk needlessly wasted, “trying to summon a demon who never appeared. “The few mourners who showed up at his funeral “had a hard time not giggling. Good riddance.” My other big obituary fear is, when I die, they’ll have my picture, and then they always have underneath it, in quotes, “he loved to laugh.” Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesn’t tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh. You’re laughing. That’s like saying, “he hungered for food “so often in his life, he got these insane cravings. “He tried to give it up. “He’d have a big breakfast and say, “‘that’s it, cold turkey.’ “And then at lunch he’d want some cold turkey. “He was pathetic. “Battled it alongside of his sleep addiction. “Oh, that sleep addiction was a monkey on his back. “He’d go 18, 20 hours, but sooner or later, “he’d look for a ‘bed’ to ‘lie down in’, “as the crazy sleep junkies would say in that “weird street lingo of theirs. “‘I’m gonna go take a nap.’ What’s that hepcat saying ?” Although I can’t think of anything creepier than watching someone laugh who hates to laugh. How disturbing would that look ? Like, you tell ’em a joke, and they’re like, “eh-eh-heh– oh, laughter !” ( Grunting ) look at my set. They built me a set. Oh, all the money. I live in Los Angeles right now. I love going to, like, old movies. I’m a real film buff, and Los Angeles is the place to go to a lot of movies. They show old movies all the time. But unfortunately, you have to watch ’em with people that live in Los Angeles, and a lot of them– they’ll go to these old movies, but they’ll bring their bull ( bleep ) Starbucks liberalism with them. You know what I mean ? As if it still applies to the movies that they’re watching. Like i– they were showing John Wayne’s The Searchers. The Searchers, one of the greatest films ever made. So we’re all watching it at the Mann’s Chinese. “Oh, man, this is amazing.” So the movie starts up. The first title comes up: Texas, 1868. Texas, 1868. So this woman two seats down from me starts reacting to the film as if it were made today. She starts going, “oh, well, let the women clear the table “while the men just sit there and talk. “Okay, and let’s all be racist “to the Indians while we’re at it. That’s good.” Um, ma’am ? It’s the Old West, okay ? It was settled by big, white, racist psychopaths. I’m sorry. Those are the guys that settled it. It wasn’t settled gap greeters ajamba juice employees on their break. It would have been nice, but no. No. What are you thinking ? “If I had settled this country–” we’d all be dead right now. You’d be dead. ‘Cause I would have been out there, going, “oh, my inner child doesn’t feel like chopping wood today. I haven’t–” “we’re gonna die, you idiot!” “I know, but I was reading Andrea Dworkin, and she says the males–” “please kill an animal so we can eat! Please!” We’re at war, right? I’m only saying we’re at war, because I turned on CNN last week, and there was a green city on TV. Whenever you turn on CNN and there’s a green city with white dots over it, you’re like, “oh, I guess we need oil. “Hey, honey, we should go fill the car up. Oil prices–” as I speak to my wife, who doesn’t exist. “Honey, we should go get… The…” My phantom wife. These war reporters, too, for CNN– they try to make out like they’re still that whole Edward Murrow– “I’m in London while they’re bombing us,” or “I’m in the jungles of Vietnam.” These guys are in a day’s inn, miles away from the shelling, still trying to come on like they’re king swaggercock. “Yeah, I’m in the middle of the war. Look out !” And these guys try to play it up, like, “yes, we’re in the day’s inn. “The shelling has started. “We’ve lost spectra vision, Bernie. “We have– I don’t know how ‘blade’ ends. “Wesley was fighting the vampires, “and he looked like he was doing well, but who knows. “It’s just– it’s pure hell, Bernie. “It is pure– black is white, white is black– it’s chaos. “I ordered a sandwich, “I specifically said no mayonnaise, “the sandwich came… Slathered, Bernie. “Slathered is the only word I can use “for the amount of mayonnaise. “We sent it back, we’re praying that– “please keep us in your prayers– “that the sandwich will come back with no mayonnaise. “Mustard on the side, I know, is way too much to hope for, “but just the no mayonnaise “would give me some semblance of sanity. “Bernie, the sandwiches are here. “They’re wheeling the sandwiches in. “We’re going to– “there’s no mayonnaise on my sandwich, Bernie. “There is no mayonnaise. “God bless America! God bless America.” It’s really great to be in New York right now. It is, this is a terrific city. But it does not hold a candle to Amsterdam. I went to Amsterdam last year– has anyone ever been there ? Oh, man ! I was like Templeton the Rat in Charlotte’s Web. Just running around, “oh, hookers and pot!” It was unbelievable. And being, like, a typical american jackass, I decided to go to the coffee shops and get a little marijuana, ’cause that’s what Americans do. So, um– and I was like Goldilocks. I was so selective. “This shop’s too new wave. This one’s too reggae.” And I found the perfect shop. It was called “the dolphin,” on the Keizerstraat. You know how I know it was perfect ? ‘Cause the mix tape, when I went in– supergrass, Elvis Costello, and the Beastie Boys. The holy triumvirate ! So– now, the story that I’m about to tell is true. This all happened. And I wish it didn’t, ’cause it sounds fake, but this all happened the way I’m about to describe it. It sounds very Zemeckis, but it’s real. And keep in mind that it’s 4:30 in the afternoon when this happens, which meant it was 8:30 in the morning back in Los Angeles. So please keep that in mind. So I go in, and I ask to see the pot menu. Now, when you go into the coffee shops and you wanna see the pot menu, they either bring out a three-ring binder with ’em all in pockets, or in this case, she brought out this tackle box that she opened like a flower of joy. And so I’m looking at all these, and I’m trying to be all Derek Flint, Matt Helm, international cool. Like, “the Thai looks a little shaggy. I don’t know.” Of course, inside, I’m like, “ya-ha-ha-ha, woo !” So finally, I say, “look, I’m not gonna do anything “for the next couple of days, “so just give me something that’s gonna get right on top of my boo-boo.” And she said, “you want the white widow from Afghanistan.” So I go, “yeah, I’ll take the white widow.” Now, she should have warned me, though. The best marijuana you smoke in the united states, you may as well be smoking shoelaces compared to the stuff they have over there. And the bud she selected for me left its parents on krypton, all right ? So she starts making, like, she goes, “I can put it in a cookie, or I can make tea, or I can roll you a joint.” And I said, “you can roll me a joint.” So she starts rolling this joint– and to give you an idea of the care and concern and craftsmanship that went into my joint– just as she began rolling it, queen’s “we are the champions” started playing on the mix tape. That’s what started playing. It took her the entire song to roll it. The entire song ! She was taking out stems and seeds. Oh, rolling it so nice– hi ! And, so she’s, like, rolling it, and then she starts, like, licking it to seal it, looking right at me– “I… Wh… The… Hoo-hoo…” And it’s 4:30 in the afternoon in Amsterdam, which meant it was 8:30 in the morning back in l.a. If I had kept my writing job on the sketch show I used to be on, I would just then be waking up to go in and pitch sketches that I don’t wanna write, like, “I don’t know, how about “‘midnight in the olive garden of good and evil ?’ “What ?– Come on!” Instead, I’m in Amsterdam in a coffee shop, where this blonde nordic giantess is carefully licking my joint closed, while queen’s “we are the champions” plays on the mix tape. My life rocked ! For a minute! And I visited the Anne Frank house. If you go to Amsterdam, you’ve got to go to the Anne Frank house. No, it was really emotional. It was really spiritual. I just couldn’t believe it. You go in, and it’s the actual house. But I didn’t know that you had to pay to get in. I thought you just– it was a historical– I thought you just go in and you take the tour. And there’s this big booth in the lobby, and I thought, “well, that’s an information booth,” and I just breezed on by, upstairs I went. Woo! Started taking the tour. So the woman downstairs is like, “did that guy just not pay ? He didn’t pay!” So she comes up the stairs after me. Now, when I go to other countries– this is gonna sound kinda lame– but I sorta think of myself as an ambassador, insofar as I don’t wanna be a typical american douche nozzle, and getting thrown out of the Anne Frank house– that’s it. I mean, you’ve won the douche nozzle sweepstakes. So she’s looking for me, and I’m already on the third floor. I’m like, “oh, man, what do I do?” So I hid behind this bookcase on the third floor. I didn’t know where else to go! So she was looking for me for, like, half an hour, so I didn’t know what to do. So I kept this diary while I was back there, ’cause I was just bored. I didn’t, y’know, I didn’t know what was gonna happen. So I’d like to read an excerpt from the diary that I kept while I was there. “Saturday, January 10th. “I didn’t know that you had to pay to get into “the Anne Frank house, “and now I’m hiding behind a bookcase on the third floor. “When will people learn that you have to make it clear “when you’re supposed to pay to get into a historic landmark “like the Anne Frank house, “so that people like me need not live in fear? “Still, I believe people are basically good, “and I hope someday to have a girlfriend who’ll let me feel her breasts.” So that’s just an excerpt. I didn’t– I had to leave my diary there when I fled, and I just hope they print it so people can learn from my mistake. So I’m 30 now. I just turned 30, and– which means I’m getting older. You know what I’ve realized? You can grow old two ways. You can either grow old in which you hate everything, and you’re just, “you kids with your robot servants !” Or you can grow old like me, in which you lose your love and hatred of everything. You know, my scale of love and hatred used to go from “oh, yeah, really ?! Woo !” To “oh, no way, oh, get– no!” Now the scale goes– here’s my scale. Ready? “Oh, that’s… Mm-hmm.” To “oh, eh, no.” Yeah, I don’t know… Okay, that’s right. So… Remember when you were growing up and you wanted to color eggs for Easter? Where did you go ? There was only one game in town. Paas. You went Paas, or you went to hell! Remember that? That was on the box. ‘Cause they had the monopoly. They could say that. Remember when you got the kit ? What did you get ? You got the little color tablets– remember those ? And you put ’em in the water and the water would smell like a vinegar fart, and then you would take the egg and put the egg in the little wire seat– remember that, that little torture seat ? “I’ll lower you to your doom ! Scream all you want !” Or, like me, you’d put all the tablets into one glass, and that would turn the eggs brown. “Oh, can’t get brown eggs, Patton. That’s our little prodigy.” Then you could punch out the back of the box– remember that– and make a little egg holder. Oh, remember that ? But, like me, you wouldn’t wait for the eggs to dry, and then the box would dissolve, and your dad would start drinking– that’s not important. What’s important is that that is all the kit came with. But then remember in the ’70s all those upstart companies came along, trying to unseat the Paas dynasty?! There was “shake an egg”– remember “shake an egg”? You put the egg in the bag with the glitter and it came out looking all glam rocky, like it fell out of David Bowie’s ass? “Hey, look, happy Easter! Bang a gong, everybody!” And then Ronco came out with that weird inquisition clamp. Remember that? You’d put the egg in the clamp, and then you’d put the magic marker and a clamp here, and then you’d turn the egg all… “Oh, a line! “There’s a line on the egg! It’s 4:00 in the morning.” I went back in the drugstore recently, looking for egg coloring kits– there’s only one company standing. Paas, ladies and gentlemen. Paas! And when you get the kit– you buy that kit, you know what you get ? You get five colored tablets, a little wire thing, a punch– they didn’t change a thing! What chrome-plated balls on those guys. They didn’t– I just imagine their founder, some guy named Henry Paas, going, “let ’em go to their little “shake an eggs” “or their Ronco things. “They’ll come crawling back. “We’re Paas. “My father started this company with one color tablet, “and it was white, and we were thankful! “Paas! “Happy Easter, and bite my wrinkly ball sack. Put that on the box!” Can we say “bite my wrinkly ball sack?” Well, I guess we’re gonna find out. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I love how TV is so good right now. There’s a lot of really good shows on TV. And what’s great about all these good shows being on TV is it makes the bad shows look like an infected ‘rhoid– like they really stand out. For instance, especially, like, tfox network is starting to realize that, you know, “except The Simpsons and the X-Files and king of the hill our network sorta sucks.” So they’re starting to show just videos of things like “world’s scariest police chases,” and “when things go wrong.” And they show a guy in a parachute. “Aaaah!” Just falling. It’s always the same guy. “Aaaaah!” And that’s cool. I’ll watch those shows. But then recently they really hit the bottom of the barrel, because they showed a show called Fox’s most shocking medical videos. Anyone see this show? “Most shocking medical videos.” Okay, a couple things. Number one, all medical videos are shocking! They’re medical videos, for god’s sakes. There’s no soothing medical videos. There’s nothing like, “well, the stuffing’s taking forever, “so let’s watch this episiotomy footage that I have. “When the bone saw hits the ligaments, it’s a symphony.” The other thing is, during the whole special, they kept trying to show you– they kept trying to tell you, “well, you’re gonna learn something about medical science. “This is a very educational show, and you’ll learn about the wonders of science.” No, no. This is all wet-ass hour surgery, when the bottom has fallen through the basement, and some guy comes in with an elk’s leg up his ass, and the doctor’s like, “ahh, ah… “Ah, I don’t have… “There’s no elk/ass chapter of the Gray’s Anatomy. “Get some tongs and… Some butter. “I don’t know. I didn’t train for this.” I think the bottom moment of the special came when this guy– there was a guy that went up in the Himalayas, and he got extreme frostbite, and his face turned black, and then… Fell off ! His face fell off ! So the doctors are reconstructing his face, and now he’s got no nose. So he has options. Oh, he’s got options now. Option number one is to get this fake clip-on nose. It’s a fake hard plastic nose, and they put these metal studs, and you clip it on. And they show a guy with no nose, and the guy clips it on, and he looked okay. He looked like– he looked fine. But this guy said, “oh, phooey and pshaw. “No fake nose for me. “That’s all flummery. I want something real.” So the doctors consult this ancient sanskrit medical text. Why they are consulting an ancient sanskrit medical text– beyond me. But there’s a way they can take skin and fat from other parts of your body and grow appendages. So they make a nose out of, like, ass fat and thigh skin, and they grow it upside down on his forehead. So for a year, he has a hole in his face, and an upside-down nose. Aagh! Go into restaurants, catching a flick– oh my god! Then they take the ass-fat nose, sew it over the nose hole, and they show him with his new, natural-looking nose. And it looked horrifying. Oh my god, if my face ever fell off, I would have the presence of mind to kill myself. I would not hang around, mr. Soppy gobface, clinging on to life. (Grumbling) “oh my god, what’s wrong with him ?” “He loves life, he won’t let go.” (Grumbling) “oh god, please kill yourself!” Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night. Thank you. Thanks a lot. ( Cheering and applauding ) | (cheering) Thank you. Thanks. Oh, thank you all for coming out. This makes it nice, having an audience for my special. Thank you very much. You know, remember when you were a little kid, and your friends would be out playing a game like cowboys and Indians or fort, some game where there was, like, fake boundaries? So they would say, “okay, the bike path over at the scaffetys’ is lava, “and if you touch that, you’re dead. “And then the hedges over at the slingerlands’ “are poison snakes, “and if you go over there, “they’ll bite you and you’re dead. And those are the boundaries.” But you weren’t there when they started playing. Like, you show up an hour later, ’cause you’re going to the pool. You’re like, “hey, guys, I’m gonna go to the pool.” And they say, “hey, don’t touch the bike path, it’s lava! Don’t– the hedges are snakes!” And you’ve gotta say, “oh, I’m not– “guys, I wasn’t here when you did all that. “I’m just going to the pool. It doesn’t affect me.” Do you know what I’m talking about? That’s pretty much how I treat the pot laws in this country. Kinda the same way, you know, just the whole… “Patton, you can’t… You can’t have that, it’s illegal.” “Oh, I’m not– go ahead. “I wasn’t here when you did all that. “Yeah, I know, okay, don’t worry about it, it’s– “I know, it’s lava– it’s just marijuana. “Don’t worry, see ? It’s fine. Don’t worry.” I like– well, I don’t like reading the obituaries, but I read the obituaries a lot, because it just seems to me that people that write the obituaries either wanna be p.r. People or they’re failed p.r. People, and they’re trying to keep it going. “Hey, look, I spun death!” For instance, in the obituaries, no one ever dies of cancer. People always give in after a valiant battle with cancer, or they throw in the towel after a courageous fight, which, statistically, that can’t be possible. There had to have been a couple of cowardly ordeals in there. You know what I mean ? Like “bob smith died today “after a craven, cowardly ordeal with cancer, “during which he wished the disease “on his family and friends, “and attempted a pact with Satan “which left his basement covered in goat’s blood “and four boxes of chalk needlessly wasted, “trying to summon a demon who never appeared. “The few mourners who showed up at his funeral “had a hard time not giggling. Good riddance.” My other big obituary fear is, when I die, they’ll have my picture, and then they always have underneath it, in quotes, “he loved to laugh.” Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesn’t tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh. You’re laughing. That’s like saying, “he hungered for food “so often in his life, he got these insane cravings. “He tried to give it up. “He’d have a big breakfast and say, “‘that’s it, cold turkey.’ “And then at lunch he’d want some cold turkey. “He was pathetic. “Battled it alongside of his sleep addiction. “Oh, that sleep addiction was a monkey on his back. “He’d go 18, 20 hours, but sooner or later, “he’d look for a ‘bed’ to ‘lie down in’, “as the crazy sleep junkies would say in that “weird street lingo of theirs. “‘I’m gonna go take a nap.’ What’s that hepcat saying ?” Although I can’t think of anything creepier than watching someone laugh who hates to laugh. How disturbing would that look ? Like, you tell ’em a joke, and they’re like, “eh-eh-heh– oh, laughter !” ( Grunting ) look at my set. They built me a set. Oh, all the money. I live in Los Angeles right now. I love going to, like, old movies. I’m a real film buff, and Los Angeles is the place to go to a lot of movies. They show old movies all the time. But unfortunately, you have to watch ’em with people that live in Los Angeles, and a lot of them– they’ll go to these old movies, but they’ll bring their bull ( bleep ) Starbucks liberalism with them. You know what I mean ? As if it still applies to the movies that they’re watching. Like i– they were showing John Wayne’s The Searchers. The Searchers, one of the greatest films ever made. So we’re all watching it at the Mann’s Chinese. “Oh, man, this is amazing.” So the movie starts up. The first title comes up: Texas, 1868. Texas, 1868. So this woman two seats down from me starts reacting to the film as if it were made today. She starts going, “oh, well, let the women clear the table “while the men just sit there and talk. “Okay, and let’s all be racist “to the Indians while we’re at it. That’s good.” Um, ma’am ? It’s the Old West, okay ? It was settled by big, white, racist psychopaths. I’m sorry. Those are the guys that settled it. It wasn’t settled gap greeters ajamba juice employees on their break. It would have been nice, but no. No. What are you thinking ? “If I had settled this country–” we’d all be dead right now. You’d be dead. ‘Cause I would have been out there, going, “oh, my inner child doesn’t feel like chopping wood today. I haven’t–” “we’re gonna die, you idiot!” “I know, but I was reading Andrea Dworkin, and she says the males–” “please kill an animal so we can eat! Please!” We’re at war, right? I’m only saying we’re at war, because I turned on CNN last week, and there was a green city on TV. Whenever you turn on CNN and there’s a green city with white dots over it, you’re like, “oh, I guess we need oil. “Hey, honey, we should go fill the car up. Oil prices–” as I speak to my wife, who doesn’t exist. “Honey, we should go get… The…” My phantom wife. These war reporters, too, for CNN– they try to make out like they’re still that whole Edward Murrow– “I’m in London while they’re bombing us,” or “I’m in the jungles of Vietnam.” These guys are in a day’s inn, miles away from the shelling, still trying to come on like they’re king swaggercock. “Yeah, I’m in the middle of the war. Look out !” And these guys try to play it up, like, “yes, we’re in the day’s inn. “The shelling has started. “We’ve lost spectra vision, Bernie. “We have– I don’t know how ‘blade’ ends. “Wesley was fighting the vampires, “and he looked like he was doing well, but who knows. “It’s just– it’s pure hell, Bernie. “It is pure– black is white, white is black– it’s chaos. “I ordered a sandwich, “I specifically said no mayonnaise, “the sandwich came… Slathered, Bernie. “Slathered is the only word I can use “for the amount of mayonnaise. “We sent it back, we’re praying that– “please keep us in your prayers– “that the sandwich will come back with no mayonnaise. “Mustard on the side, I know, is way too much to hope for, “but just the no mayonnaise “would give me some semblance of sanity. “Bernie, the sandwiches are here. “They’re wheeling the sandwiches in. “We’re going to– “there’s no mayonnaise on my sandwich, Bernie. “There is no mayonnaise. “God bless America! God bless America.” It’s really great to be in New York right now. It is, this is a terrific city. But it does not hold a candle to Amsterdam. I went to Amsterdam last year– has anyone ever been there ? Oh, man ! I was like Templeton the Rat in Charlotte’s Web. Just running around, “oh, hookers and pot!” It was unbelievable. And being, like, a typical american jackass, I decided to go to the coffee shops and get a little marijuana, ’cause that’s what Americans do. So, um– and I was like Goldilocks. I was so selective. “This shop’s too new wave. This one’s too reggae.” And I found the perfect shop. It was called “the dolphin,” on the Keizerstraat. You know how I know it was perfect ? ‘Cause the mix tape, when I went in– supergrass, Elvis Costello, and the Beastie Boys. The holy triumvirate ! So– now, the story that I’m about to tell is true. This all happened. And I wish it didn’t, ’cause it sounds fake, but this all happened the way I’m about to describe it. It sounds very Zemeckis, but it’s real. And keep in mind that it’s 4:30 in the afternoon when this happens, which meant it was 8:30 in the morning back in Los Angeles. So please keep that in mind. So I go in, and I ask to see the pot menu. Now, when you go into the coffee shops and you wanna see the pot menu, they either bring out a three-ring binder with ’em all in pockets, or in this case, she brought out this tackle box that she opened like a flower of joy. And so I’m looking at all these, and I’m trying to be all Derek Flint, Matt Helm, international cool. Like, “the Thai looks a little shaggy. I don’t know.” Of course, inside, I’m like, “ya-ha-ha-ha, woo !” So finally, I say, “look, I’m not gonna do anything “for the next couple of days, “so just give me something that’s gonna get right on top of my boo-boo.” And she said, “you want the white widow from Afghanistan.” So I go, “yeah, I’ll take the white widow.” Now, she should have warned me, though. The best marijuana you smoke in the united states, you may as well be smoking shoelaces compared to the stuff they have over there. And the bud she selected for me left its parents on krypton, all right ? So she starts making, like, she goes, “I can put it in a cookie, or I can make tea, or I can roll you a joint.” And I said, “you can roll me a joint.” So she starts rolling this joint– and to give you an idea of the care and concern and craftsmanship that went into my joint– just as she began rolling it, queen’s “we are the champions” started playing on the mix tape. That’s what started playing. It took her the entire song to roll it. The entire song ! She was taking out stems and seeds. Oh, rolling it so nice– hi ! And, so she’s, like, rolling it, and then she starts, like, licking it to seal it, looking right at me– “I… Wh… The… Hoo-hoo…” And it’s 4:30 in the afternoon in Amsterdam, which meant it was 8:30 in the morning back in l.a. If I had kept my writing job on the sketch show I used to be on, I would just then be waking up to go in and pitch sketches that I don’t wanna write, like, “I don’t know, how about “‘midnight in the olive garden of good and evil ?’ “What ?– Come on!” Instead, I’m in Amsterdam in a coffee shop, where this blonde nordic giantess is carefully licking my joint closed, while queen’s “we are the champions” plays on the mix tape. My life rocked ! For a minute! And I visited the Anne Frank house. If you go to Amsterdam, you’ve got to go to the Anne Frank house. No, it was really emotional. It was really spiritual. I just couldn’t believe it. You go in, and it’s the actual house. But I didn’t know that you had to pay to get in. I thought you just– it was a historical– I thought you just go in and you take the tour. And there’s this big booth in the lobby, and I thought, “well, that’s an information booth,” and I just breezed on by, upstairs I went. Woo! Started taking the tour. So the woman downstairs is like, “did that guy just not pay ? He didn’t pay!” So she comes up the stairs after me. Now, when I go to other countries– this is gonna sound kinda lame– but I sorta think of myself as an ambassador, insofar as I don’t wanna be a typical american douche nozzle, and getting thrown out of the Anne Frank house– that’s it. I mean, you’ve won the douche nozzle sweepstakes. So she’s looking for me, and I’m already on the third floor. I’m like, “oh, man, what do I do?” So I hid behind this bookcase on the third floor. I didn’t know where else to go! So she was looking for me for, like, half an hour, so I didn’t know what to do. So I kept this diary while I was back there, ’cause I was just bored. I didn’t, y’know, I didn’t know what was gonna happen. So I’d like to read an excerpt from the diary that I kept while I was there. “Saturday, January 10th. “I didn’t know that you had to pay to get into “the Anne Frank house, “and now I’m hiding behind a bookcase on the third floor. “When will people learn that you have to make it clear “when you’re supposed to pay to get into a historic landmark “like the Anne Frank house, “so that people like me need not live in fear? “Still, I believe people are basically good, “and I hope someday to have a girlfriend who’ll let me feel her breasts.” So that’s just an excerpt. I didn’t– I had to leave my diary there when I fled, and I just hope they print it so people can learn from my mistake. So I’m 30 now. I just turned 30, and– which means I’m getting older. You know what I’ve realized? You can grow old two ways. You can either grow old in which you hate everything, and you’re just, “you kids with your robot servants !” Or you can grow old like me, in which you lose your love and hatred of everything. You know, my scale of love and hatred used to go from “oh, yeah, really ?! Woo !” To “oh, no way, oh, get– no!” Now the scale goes– here’s my scale. Ready? “Oh, that’s… Mm-hmm.” To “oh, eh, no.” Yeah, I don’t know… Okay, that’s right. So… Remember when you were growing up and you wanted to color eggs for Easter? Where did you go ? There was only one game in town. Paas. You went Paas, or you went to hell! Remember that? That was on the box. ‘Cause they had the monopoly. They could say that. Remember when you got the kit ? What did you get ? You got the little color tablets– remember those ? And you put ’em in the water and the water would smell like a vinegar fart, and then you would take the egg and put the egg in the little wire seat– remember that, that little torture seat ? “I’ll lower you to your doom ! Scream all you want !” Or, like me, you’d put all the tablets into one glass, and that would turn the eggs brown. “Oh, can’t get brown eggs, Patton. That’s our little prodigy.” Then you could punch out the back of the box– remember that– and make a little egg holder. Oh, remember that ? But, like me, you wouldn’t wait for the eggs to dry, and then the box would dissolve, and your dad would start drinking– that’s not important. What’s important is that that is all the kit came with. But then remember in the ’70s all those upstart companies came along, trying to unseat the Paas dynasty?! There was “shake an egg”– remember “shake an egg”? You put the egg in the bag with the glitter and it came out looking all glam rocky, like it fell out of David Bowie’s ass? “Hey, look, happy Easter! Bang a gong, everybody!” And then Ronco came out with that weird inquisition clamp. Remember that? You’d put the egg in the clamp, and then you’d put the magic marker and a clamp here, and then you’d turn the egg all… “Oh, a line! “There’s a line on the egg! It’s 4:00 in the morning.” I went back in the drugstore recently, looking for egg coloring kits– there’s only one company standing. Paas, ladies and gentlemen. Paas! And when you get the kit– you buy that kit, you know what you get ? You get five colored tablets, a little wire thing, a punch– they didn’t change a thing! What chrome-plated balls on those guys. They didn’t– I just imagine their founder, some guy named Henry Paas, going, “let ’em go to their little “shake an eggs” “or their Ronco things. “They’ll come crawling back. “We’re Paas. “My father started this company with one color tablet, “and it was white, and we were thankful! “Paas! “Happy Easter, and bite my wrinkly ball sack. Put that on the box!” Can we say “bite my wrinkly ball sack?” Well, I guess we’re gonna find out. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I love how TV is so good right now. There’s a lot of really good shows on TV. And what’s great about all these good shows being on TV is it makes the bad shows look like an infected ‘rhoid– like they really stand out. For instance, especially, like, tfox network is starting to realize that, you know, “except The Simpsons and the X-Files and king of the hill our network sorta sucks.” So they’re starting to show just videos of things like “world’s scariest police chases,” and “when things go wrong.” And they show a guy in a parachute. “Aaaah!” Just falling. It’s always the same guy. “Aaaaah!” And that’s cool. I’ll watch those shows. But then recently they really hit the bottom of the barrel, because they showed a show called Fox’s most shocking medical videos. Anyone see this show? “Most shocking medical videos.” Okay, a couple things. Number one, all medical videos are shocking! They’re medical videos, for god’s sakes. There’s no soothing medical videos. There’s nothing like, “well, the stuffing’s taking forever, “so let’s watch this episiotomy footage that I have. “When the bone saw hits the ligaments, it’s a symphony.” The other thing is, during the whole special, they kept trying to show you– they kept trying to tell you, “well, you’re gonna learn something about medical science. “This is a very educational show, and you’ll learn about the wonders of science.” No, no. This is all wet-ass hour surgery, when the bottom has fallen through the basement, and some guy comes in with an elk’s leg up his ass, and the doctor’s like, “ahh, ah… “Ah, I don’t have… “There’s no elk/ass chapter of the Gray’s Anatomy. “Get some tongs and… Some butter. “I don’t know. I didn’t train for this.” I think the bottom moment of the special came when this guy– there was a guy that went up in the Himalayas, and he got extreme frostbite, and his face turned black, and then… Fell off ! His face fell off ! So the doctors are reconstructing his face, and now he’s got no nose. So he has options. Oh, he’s got options now. Option number one is to get this fake clip-on nose. It’s a fake hard plastic nose, and they put these metal studs, and you clip it on. And they show a guy with no nose, and the guy clips it on, and he looked okay. He looked like– he looked fine. But this guy said, “oh, phooey and pshaw. “No fake nose for me. “That’s all flummery. I want something real.” So the doctors consult this ancient sanskrit medical text. Why they are consulting an ancient sanskrit medical text– beyond me. But there’s a way they can take skin and fat from other parts of your body and grow appendages. So they make a nose out of, like, ass fat and thigh skin, and they grow it upside down on his forehead. So for a year, he has a hole in his face, and an upside-down nose. Aagh! Go into restaurants, catching a flick– oh my god! Then they take the ass-fat nose, sew it over the nose hole, and they show him with his new, natural-looking nose. And it looked horrifying. Oh my god, if my face ever fell off, I would have the presence of mind to kill myself. I would not hang around, mr. Soppy gobface, clinging on to life. (Grumbling) “oh my god, what’s wrong with him ?” “He loves life, he won’t let go.” (Grumbling) “oh god, please kill yourself!” Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night. Thank you. Thanks a lot. ( Cheering and applauding ) |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gary-gulman-the-great-depresh-transcript/ | Gary Gulman: The Great Depresh (2019) | Transcript | gary gulman | Gary Gulman‘s 2019 HBO stand-up comedy special, The Great Depresh, is a poignant and hilarious exploration of his lifelong struggles with depression. It’s not just stand-up, though. The special interweaves Gulman’s routines with documentary scenes that offer deeper insight into his mental health journey. In the stand-up comedy part Gulman tackles his depression with characteristic wit and self-deprecating humor. He delves into topics like childhood loneliness, failed relationships, and the challenges of navigating the comedy world while battling mental illness. The documentary segments provide glimpses into Gulman’s personal life, featuring interviews with his family and friends, visits to his childhood home, and candid discussions about his experiences with therapy and medication. * * * Dear God, today is going to be big. The most-watched daytime service of the year. Some people don’t know how to be rich and still act like a human being. Stacy, this cortado is yucky, get it out of here. Gemstones are an absolute disgrace to all ministries. Let’s go get our money. Ooh. What? Daddy, you just threw Jesus across the room. It was a karate person. No, that was Jesus. I better sit. Hey, bye, Ma. Have a good time, Gar. Come on! ♪ I’ll say goodbye ♪
♪ To all my sorrow ♪
♪ And by tomorrow ♪
♪ I’ll be on my way ♪
♪ I guess the Lord must be ♪
♪ In New York City ♪
♪ I’m so tired ♪
♪ Of getting nowhere ♪
♪ Seeing my prayers going unanswered ♪
♪ I guess the Lord must be ♪
♪ In New York City ♪
♪ Well, here I am, Lord ♪
♪ Knocking at your back door ♪
♪ Ain’t it wonderful ♪
♪ To be ♪
♪ Where I’ve always wanted to be ♪
♪ For the first time, I’ll breathe free ♪
♪ Here in New York City ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh… ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, Gary Gulman! Oh… You came. You actually came. Thank you. It… phew… was a long time since I shot my last special, like, over four years, and… The reason was is that I got… I got very sick with “the depresh.” Severe, just crippling depression and anxiety, about two springs ago. My wife, Sadé… Not the Sadé. A Sadé, my Sadé. She said, “Gary, all you were doing was crying and sleeping.” And I get so defensive. I always say, “I also watched Better Call Saul.” “I wish you would paint a more accurate picture “of what was going on for one hour a week, for 10 consecutive weeks, I pulled it together.” But yes, I was sleeping and crying. I was so sick. I couldn’t perform at all. I would bite my lip, until it bled, from anxiety. I was shaking all the time. My voice was so stressed, I couldn’t really talk. I couldn’t stand for more than five minutes, I was so fatigued all the time. I had to cancel all my shows for months, and… I was contemplating retiring from comedy. And then I, I thought about it some, and realized that retirement is a bit pretentious… …for what was going on. Like… Johnny Carson retired. Michael Jordan retired. Gary Gulman, you’re giving up. Also, the word “retirement” implies that you’ve accumulated some kind of nest egg over the years… …and that was not the case. I was going to have to continue working to earn money, and one of the requirements was that it be less stressful than a job that requires no more than an hour of my day… …and allows me to sleep up until about 7:30 p.m. So, I wasn’t able to work, and I had a lot of free time to reflect. And one of the things I kept thinking about was when did this… when did this start? How long have I had depression and anxiety? And while I’ll say that I’ve had a number of episodes over the years, none lasted as long as this one, none was as severe as this one, none left me as hopeless as this one. But I can go back to being a child— They say that— most experts will tell you that a lot of depression and anxiety starts in childhood, and I can… I can attest to that. That was case with me. I grew up in the ’70s and ’80s, and, um, ugh, as a sensitive boy, not a very accommodating time for sensitive boys. Like, I really admire and envy millennials. They’re so much nicer to each other than we were. Bullies were rampant when I was growing up, and, millennials, your stance on bullying is to be commended. I have a theory on why millennials are so much nicer to each other than we were, and it’s that millennials grew up much better hydrated than we did. Water just was not a consideration when I was growing up. And I’m not one of these middle-aged men who’ll come up here and say, “We didn’t even need water!” We needed it desperately. We walked around the decade, dizzy and listless. We needed water. But in my house growing up, in the refrigerator, all we had, pretty much, was whole milk and Tab. I wouldn’t get my first sip of real, pure water until Thursday. Thursday was gym day, and the entire experience was fraught… …perilous. Because water pressure in 1970s public schools was so weak, you had to make love to the drinking fountain. But if you got that close, it tempted the cretin behind you… …to smash your skull into the iron spout, which was considered a prank in 1978. Now it’s rightfully classified as felony assault. But back then, it was just boys will be boys. The teacher wouldn’t even interrupt her countdown, which was necessary because budget cuts in the ’70s caused classroom sizes to swell. Classrooms were enormous, so the teacher would have to limit your quench… with this. “One Missippi, two Missippi, three Missippi, next.” And I would protest. I would become outraged, and I would say something. I was very precocious when I was a little kid. I think you would’ve loved me. I remember I would finish my sip under so much pressure. This, but also, it’s like, I need to get my water for the week… …in three Missippi or less. It was daunting. And I would finish my sip, I would collect my teeth… …and I would say, “Mrs. McNally.” That’s her real last name. Oh, I will protect her no longer. Mrs. McNally, it is not Missippi. It’s Mississippi. You’re costing me an entire syllable of hydration with your pidgin English! But you want to know something, Mrs. M? How appropriate, how apt… …that you use Mississippi to carry out your unjust drinking fountain policy. That— Now, that’s precocious. To have that firm a grasp of Jim Crow legal doctrine at seven. But millennials, they’re just much more accepting of each other. They feel safe around each other. Accepting, they’re accepting of non-conforming gender roles and identities, and, oh… I grew up at a time, the definition of manhood was so narrow. You were either Clint Eastwood, or you were Richard Simmons. There was nothing in between. There were no Paul Rudds… …no kind-eyed Mark Ruffalos. You had to be so hard! And millennials, they’re so accepting of each other, and they feel safe coming out to each other in high school, even junior high. I have to be honest with you. In 1987, I didn’t feel safe ordering a Sprite. This will sound nuts, but Sprite, amongst the men of my community, was considered a woman’s beverage. Why? How? Because it’s translucent like lingerie? I’ve never been able to figure out— Also, the word sprite is a synonym for woodland pixie. I remember going on a field trip, and on the bus ride home, we stopped off at a fast-food restaurant, and I ordered a Sprite, like a fool… …in front of everybody. And this bully, he came up to me as I was drinking in front of everyone, and he said, “Enjoying your fairy juice, fairy?” And I was, yes, mortified, but also, at the same time, so confused as to how a bully could be that conversant in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I was kind of a lonely kid. I think the best way to picture my childhood was think of Charlie Brown had Snoopy died. Oh, I love this. Yeah. Are you filming me now? Yeah. Oh, please. Just a minute. Oh my God, I love that picture. Yeah. Oh, Gary is… so happy. Yeah, these were really good pictures. It’s like going down memory lane. Yeah. I don’t think he remembers these. Wow. He hasn’t seen these… No. …A long time. And here’s the first night that I ever did, um… The first night I ever did stand-up at Nick’s Comedy Stop. Oh. Was it at Nick’s? Yeah. Wasn’t it at that little place in Cambridge, Gary? Um… With the showered screen like… Remember… No? No. You went to Nick’s? Yes! So, you don’t that he was depressed as a kid or— No. Absolutely not. Nope. A happier kid you couldn’t find. Always had a smile on his face. Aw… See how happy he was? I mean, come on. This is a book I wrote in second grade. It was called The Lonely Tree, and it was, um… To anybody with a, just a small amount of psychology knowledge, you would know this was a cry for help. That it was an allegory for a lonely, sad… I didn’t know. See, the tree was being teased by the animals in the forest. And it cried and it grew, and it became beautiful and became the Christmas tree in the city, and… it grew from tears. Happy-go-lucky kid. You see him. You see how he smiles and happy. Well, that’s the way he always was. So, how could I detect anything? I mean it. It’s so hard to tell. Such an insidious disease, um, depression, and loneliness, loneliness sets in with it. Not easy. It’s so sad. The Lonely Tree. But it— But when you think of it… Mm. …The tree alone, lonely. Oh my God. When you think about it, yeah. So, I was big. I was big, and I was sensitive and soft growing up. And when you were big back then, you were encouraged/harassed into playing sports. And I didn’t want to play the footballs, the hockeys, the contact sports. That was not for me. I fell in love with basketball, almost immediately, because… because basketball just fits my personality, it still does. Basketball is the only sport you can practice by yourself. I… spent a lot of time practicing basketball by myself. And basketball also fits me because it’s the only sport where if somebody so much as slaps you on the wrist, they stop the game. Stop the game, separate everyone, and let you make two easy shots while everyone else is forced to watch quietly. As if to say, “Think about what you did.” And I was— Oh, I was automatic from the free throw line because free throw shooting is a direct function of childhood loneliness. I have this carnival skill. If you tell me you were a good high school free throw shooter, you can give me your high school free throw shooting percentage, and I can tell you what time your single mother got home from work. I shot 94 % my senior year. My mother was a night court bailiff. The trouble with my basketball career was that… I felt horrible about myself. I hated myself. And I had it in my head that— and this is classic depressive thinking— I hate myself. If I work really hard at something and get great at it, then I will feel really good about myself. I love basketball players. I’ll get really good at basketball, and then I’ll feel good about myself. But it doesn’t work that way, and it put so much pressure on my basketball career, and I was so devoted. I made the junior high team, and I was captain. And before the season started, we had a scrimmage game against my synagogue. I also played on the synagogue team, and… unfortunately, the synagogue team was not quite as stacked… …as the junior high team. And so, the coach, in order to… even out the teams, he suggested I play with my people. And I remember thinking, “Oh no. This is— I’m gonna put so much pressure on myself,” and I did. I thought, “I’m not just playing for the synagogue. I’m playing for Yahweh.” I’m playing for the synagogue, my rabbi. I’m carrying this religion. And I went out there and I choked. I went “oh for chai.” Chai is 18 in Hebrew, and it would take the rest of the show to explain to you why, but I couldn’t make a shot, and we got crushed. And I went home and I was inconsolable, I was devastated. I felt, I’ve let down every Jewish person. I have let down Sandy Koufax, and Dolph Schayes, and Garry Shandling, and Bugs Bunny. Every Jew… …I have let down. And I remember I was devastated because I thought “Not only am I never gonna be a great basketball player, I’m gonna hate myself for the rest of my life.” And I went into my mother’s medicine cabinet, and she had this bottle of sleeping pills. And I opened them up, and I poured them into my hand. And, thank God, as I looked at them, I thought to myself, “You know, my mom is not much of a housekeeper. And these feel old.” Like, maybe I’m misremembering this, but I remember them, I was like, “These are rusty.” And it didn’t have a childproof cap. It had a cork. And I remember the thinking, it was, “If I take these and they don’t work, we’re broke. “There’s going to be an ambulance, an emergency room visit. My mother is going to kill me.” So, I put the cork back in there, and I put them back in the medicine cabinet, and I just went on suffering silently, which was the only thing you could do back then. The only antidepressants we had access to in the 1970s and ’80s pretty much was, “Snap out of it…” …and “What have you got to be depressed about?” That was the second leading brand of antidepressant. And so, I just… suffered in silence. And the other thing is, millennials have a much healthier attitude towards sports than we had growing up. Like, I grew up with the expression: “Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” Which is so easy to poke a hole in. It’s the only thing, really? What about… collage? Collage is a thing and infinitely more relaxing than winning, honestly. And it’s interesting because millennials take so much flak, so much guff. Flak as well as guff. I don’t know which irritates me more, the flak or the guff. From middle-aged men talking about participation trophies. Their argument is, “How are they gonna learn how to lose? How are they gonna learn how to lose?” Oh, they’ll get some practice. You familiar at all with life? Oh, it’s mostly losing! My 20s? Oh, losing streak that would embarrass the Browns. Cleveland and Charlie! Give them a participation trophy. They deserve it. They’re putting down the most exciting video games in the history of zeros and ones for three hours to play Little League Baseball, a more boring version of Major League Baseball. I… I love Major League Baseball because I was indoctrinated very young. But there’s so much downtime in a Major League Baseball game. You can do your taxes during a Major League Baseball game, and coach first base. So much downtime. Give them a trophy. “It’s a fake trophy.” Oh, as opposed to your real fantasy football team? You spend 20 plus hours a week with nine other lost souls, pretending that you’re a football general manager. Not a player, not a coach. An administrator! And you’re gonna begrudge a seven-year-old a memento of an idyllic time? How dare you! And I don’t feel like I needed nor deserved a participation trophy growing up because, really, there was nothing else to do besides play Little League Baseball. I once spent an entire Sunday, from 9:30 a.m. until dusk, scouring my lawn for a four-leaf clover. Because, at seven years old, I felt I needed some luck. I thought, if I’m gonna turn this ship around, I’m going to need some supernatural intervention. Not realizing, of course, in the irony of ironies, that I would never have greater fortune again in my life than having the free time to scan the grass for a mythical weed! It was the best of times. What’s your name again? I’m Gary Gulman. The Gary Gulman. How far back do you guys go? We met in 1993 at the back of Nick’s Comedy Stop, in Boston. Yep. And then we worked together— Dude, I remember your first day waiting tables. And I remember you put the apron on, and you went out, you got the little notepad… Yeah. Right. …Which looks smaller in your hand. And your hand was shaking. Oh, yeah. I was shaking. You were so nervous. Yeah. I was like, aw. But then we became really close and bonded… Yeah. …Doing comedy at night, that in the morning, and then… cigars and comic books in the afternoon. Yeah, we’d sit there and smoke cigars, talk comic books… Yeah. …And then comedy… Yeah. …And we would just gossip. Yeah. Yes! One of my favorite people to gossip with. I never started telling anybody about my mood difficulties back then. And I didn’t start telling people close to me until this past year, when I started talking about it on stage. I really thought I had seen the worst of it until, like, 2017, when I went into the hospital and told… told no one. Yeah, I didn’t know that either, buddy. Yeah. I knew you said you were moving back to Boston. Yeah. I got really sick with depression and dropped out of comedy, dropped out of working. I got a job as a camp counselor at a summer camp for teenagers. What the fuck? Really? Yeah, because I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to earn a living to pay my rent. And when you’re depressed, you’re catastrophizing, and you think… Yeah. …I’m gonna be homeless, not thinking that, worst case, I could live in your shed. Yeah. I mean, the way you paused when I put out living in your shed, I mean, was the shed not open to me? No, the shed’s open to you. I was just thinking how much I would have to charge you. ‘Cause I couldn’t just give it to you for free. I’d have to give you goals. Right, right. It’s funny ’cause I didn’t know I had depression until a few years ago. Right. I just thought that’s— That’s how everybody is. You get great at something, then you feel good about yourself, that’s the reward. And then you get great at something, and you’re like, I still feel the same. It’s also, too, in my depression— If I remove the depression, Then I’m gonna remove the funny. Oh, yeah. Huge myth. Yeah, it’s a myth. Like, if I get married, I’m not gonna be funny anymore. If I have a kid… Yeah. …I’m not gonna be funny. If I get healthy, mentally— Any kind of contentment is the enemy of… Is the enemy of funny when, actually, it’s the reverse. Yes, absolutely. Isn’t it weird though? Why do we think that? Why are we so old and figuring this out? I envy millennials. Not just their healthier attitude toward sports, but their nine ESPNs. You have nine ESPNs. Literally. My generation’s version of literally. That’s my one quibble with millennials is how you hijacked the word “literally” from us. Literally, a rich history— since its inception in 1525, it meant “actually” or “unequivocally.” And then, around 2008, millennials said, “Oh no, it also means figuratively.” Yes. Yes, it will contain its own antonym. And there’s nothing you can do about it. You don’t have the energy. You’re too exhausted. And you know what? You’ve destroyed our future and buried us in debt. It’s the least you can do, is give us “literally” for the time remaining. Nine ESPNs. I grew up— basically, we had three channels. But because television was so mediocre, there was only one conflict each week. Sunday nights at 7:00. I had an 8 p.m. bedtime, and at 7:00, I wanted to watch The Wonderful World of Disney, which was a beautiful animated— They would show animated Disney movies. And it opened with Tinkerbell flying around Cinderella’s castle, shooting live-action fireworks out of her animated wand, to the tune of… ♪ When you wish upon a star ♪
♪ Makes no difference who you are ♪ A promise that Disney could not keep. Historically, in America, certain groups have had more luck wishing upon stars than others. But at seven, I couldn’t disagree. I have no idea how that song ended because it was always at that point that my mother would get up and change the channel from The Wonderful World of Disney to 60 Minutes. The exact opposite of The Wonderful World of Disney. From… ♪ When you wish upon ♪ to… The most sinister theme song in television history. That noise…, to this day, gives me a pit in my stomach. Oh dear God. Is all my homework done? In nine hours, I’ll be bullied! And that clock, that stopwatch, in the middle of the TV would count down the final hour of my glorious weekend. And the entire show was just inventory for nightmares. Every feature was just miserable. And they were all about Soviet aggression and nuclear apocalypse and… The Soviets are coming to blow up your toys. And then they would have a lighter story kidnapped children. There was a hysteria over kidnapped children. It started in 1981 when a man went on all the TV news programs and he claimed that 50,000 American children a year were being abducted. And then later on that decade, he would recant and say it wasn’t quite 50,000. In fact, it was no more than 300. He was off by… 50,000. But the damage was done! Nobody pays attention to the retraction. They only pay attention to the initial assertion, which was, “You’re about to go missing.” The entire nation went into a panic. We were traumatized. There is not a single person my age who doesn’t break into a sprint whenever a van slows down. And this will sound crazy, but up until that time, vans were beloved! They were used, almost exclusively, to solve mysteries. And then this man destroyed vans and our innocence. With information, by the way, completely inactionable. There was nothing we could do with the information that there were missing kids. We didn’t have the technology. There was no AMBER alerts, no text messaging, no social media. All we had… was milk. Now, that sounds made up. But it’s true. They would put a picture… of a missing kid on the side of every lunchtime milk carton, and these doomed waifs would stare at us throughout our lunch, accusingly, as if to say, “How can you eat at a time like this?” “I’m at the bottom of a well. You’re eating peanut butter and jelly on matzo.” And I’m looking, and I feel terrible. I’m like, what, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but… what am I supposed to do about it? I’m six! Yeah, Mrs. Burns, I’m gonna miss music class again today. The West Lynn Creamery has me on another case. Yeah, I’m just gonna follow up on this one lead. It’s probably a dead end. But I’ll run it up the flagpole. Getting too old for this. Moving into this apartment was a big step for me because when I left New York last year, I was in complete despair, and I really didn’t know if I’d ever be able to take care of myself again. This is the apartment I moved in a few months ago, and… I… still haven’t unpacked, as you can see. This is the view. The light is very important to a depressive, so it has great light. Of all the 600 square foot apartments I’ve lived in in New York, this is my favorite. I had a sick dog, so it looks like this entire cabinet is just filled with medication, but… I only take three of these. I take… mirtazapine, duloxetine. This was just something that was added recently to keep me from getting ravenously hungry in the middle of the night. That was really, really hard because one of these makes you really hungry. So, it was hard to not gain weight during the… during this, and I’m very vain, so… So that was, that was hard. This is a collection of great thinkers finger puppets. Sadé, you be Mark Twain— We have some other cool ones though. We’ve got Harriet Tubman. What about Zora Neale Hurston? Oh, Zora Neale Hurston because she’s from this neighborhood— Right, so— All right, so Mark Twain, and, uh, lemme give you a topic. The, um, “Hey, do you think I used the N-word enough in Huck Finn?” “Oh my God, not enough. I’m a writer.” “I’m an author myself. It’s not nearly enough.” “Oh, really? Think I could… I really enjoyed Their Eyes Were Watching God. High five. All right, high five. There we go. Yay. At 17 years old, in 1988, I was six-foot-six and 255 pounds. I had built a very convincing… man-costume. I looked like a bad, bad man. But I was still the same inside. I was still soft. I was sweet. To put it in millennial terms, I have a Gryffindor body but a Hufflepuff soul. But I remember the high school football coach started to suggest that I should play football. And up until that time, I had just said, “Well, my mother won’t let me.” But then, at six-foot-six, 255 pounds, they… probably felt I could overpower her. And I went out for the football team, and I made it, and… I stood out mostly because I was just bigger than everyone. I was six-foot-six. The average height of a high school football player in Massachusetts in 1988 was maybe five-ten. And if you weighed 200 pounds, you were an offensive lineman. I played tight end. They would throw the ball very high. I would catch it one-handed because the ball was so small, and also I needed to protect my ribs with this arm, and then I would try to avoid danger for a little while, and then dive to the ground before anybody got a good headshot on me. Because one time, I got… a helmet-to-helmet hit, and it woke me right up. It was… It was exciting yet frightening because I got the helmet-to-helmet hit. It sounded like a gunshot. I went to the sidelines, and the coaches and my teammates were like, “Gulman got his bell rung! Gulman got his bell rung!” “Bell rung.” That was the sweet euphemism we used for what we now know is a severe concussion. I got my bell rung, yeah. I don’t know the nines in the times tables, but yes. I’m one of the guys. And just went back into the game. The concussion protocol in 1988 was not as elaborate as it is now. Now, you see a doctor, they hold you out, you have to be cleared to play again. The concussion protocol in 1988 was, “You good?” So, I played football my senior year. I made it through the entire season. Played in the Thanksgiving game, and… breathed a huge sigh of relief, and thought, okay, nobody can really question my manhood after this because I played football, and now, I can just drink my Sprite in peace. What I didn’t realize was that my high school coach had sent videos of my games to a bunch of colleges. And then, these college coaches came to my high school to recruit me to play for them. And I wound up accepting a scholarship to Boston College because the head coach of the Boston College Eagles football team two years prior had coached Heisman Trophy winner Doug Flutie. And then two years later, he was recruiting future participation trophy advocate… Gary Gulman. And he sat in my living room and he was just a striking figure. I recognized him from television, so there was a charisma in that. But also, he had this great head of black hair and a strong jaw. He was about six-four. He was a man’s man, and I— Ever since I was a little kid, I needed to gain the favor of man’s men. I just wanted them to think I was a man’s man. And I am a man’s man, depending on the man. For instance, if the man happens to be Michael from Michael’s Arts and Crafts. He would love me. We would get along famously. I love Michael’s. Oh my word, I… I call it Classy Joann’s. Joann’s is fine, but it’s always in disarray, whereas Michael’s is always in array. But this… coach sat in my living room, and I’ll never forget it. He said, “Son…” And you call me son… I will get right in your van. It’s like an arm around the shoulder. He said, “Son, I’m gonna go ahead and offer you a scholarship.” And I remember thinking to myself, “I was afraid this was gonna happen.” ‘Cause I knew I had to accept it. It was February of my senior year. I hadn’t applied to a single college. I had tried, and then I would get to the part where they ask you to write an essay. Made me so anxious. I really feel, in some way, that… my aversion to essays had saved my life again and again, because anytime I’ve contemplated suicide, I’ve thought, “You gotta leave a note.” I’m not spending the last hour of my life… …doing something I’ve dreaded throughout it. So, I knew I was going to accept it. One, I hadn’t applied anywhere else. My grades, because of my depression and anxiety, were… very mediocre. My SAT scores, very average. This was the best school I was gonna get into. Also, we didn’t have the money to pay for a private college. I wasn’t going to be able to go to as good a school as Boston College. So, I had to accept it, but I also knew… I just had this feeling that there was a catch. Like that he was gonna expect me to play football. But he was just so convincing. He said, “Son, “you’re 17 years old, and you have an NFL body.” And I remember thinking to myself, “Well, that may be true, but I— “Oh, how I wish I could tell you that “no more than 10 feet from where we’re sitting, I also have a blankie.” I had a blankie at 17 years old! Let me rephrase that. I have a blankie! It’s on my pillow right now. I can’t sleep without it. It’s something doctors call “Linus Van Pelt syndrome.” And I accepted the scholarship, and I went to training camp, and I trained hard before I got there. I got into excellent shape. I put on another 10 pounds, I was 265 pounds. But I got there, and… I just, I knew before I even got there I thought, yes, against the Lilliputians, I can stand out. But I’m going to a place where everybody’s as big as me. And I just— oh, these guys, they love to hit. And I loved to read. And within days, I came undone. I remember. I was 265 when I got there. I couldn’t eat. I lost 30 pounds in three weeks. I was sleeping from the moment practice ended until it started again the next day. I was oversleeping practices. I… was so sick. I was suicidal, and after three weeks, I went to the trainer, and I told him I need to quit. I can’t do this anymore. But I explained to him what was going on, and thank heaven, this guy was sharp, and he sent me to a therapist. This was 1989. This was 10 years before The Sopranos made it cool for big men to seek therapy. This guy was ahead of his time. And he sent me. He said, “I’m excusing you from practice. Go meet with my friend who’s a therapist here.” And I met with him, and therapy, oh my word. What a revelation. Saved my life over and over again. Therapy, yes… Yeah. I still see a therapist. I still see a therapist. I believe I broke him on Monday. Yeah, I was leaving his office, and I was shutting the door, and I heard him go… But yes. Therapy, as well as medication. Antidepressants. I have taken antidepressants on and on… …for 30 years, and because of the nature of antidepressants, sometimes they don’t work, and you have to try something else. Sometimes, they work, and then they stop working, and you have to try something else. Sometimes, they work, but they’re not good enough. You need to augment them with something. So, over the years, I have tried… Pamelor, Nortriptyline, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Paxil, Abilify, Adderall, Ativan, Klonopin, duloxetine, mirtazapine, sertraline, Effexor, Celexa, Zyprexa. At one point my doctor said, “Let’s just try drugs that rhyme.” Thank you, Dr. Seuss. Sadé, you ready to go? Yes. Okay. Bye, ‘Gor. We are going to see Dr. Friedman, my psychiatrist, and Sadé always comes with me to the sessions. She’s really the MVP of my story. You know, way back, in the very beginning, when you were really depressed, you were just as Sadé is describing. You know, not just sad and feeling critical about yourself, but very, very anxious. And you were crying and you felt, you know, inconsolable. And then that’s when I said, I think you need to come into the hospital. Right. It was very disturbing and heartbreaking to watch because there was no point when your eyes were open that you weren’t in pain. And I didn’t know how to help. Was there a time that you had told me about, and I can’t remember it, where… where you said I was speaking gibberish? Yeah. It’s… You couldn’t think straight. When you were very agitated, you would try to to just keep a coherent thought together, and you couldn’t. It was very disturb— I don’t think you remember at all, but you don’t remember, and I remember all of it. You don’t remember any of? Well, it… as I’m hearing it… I don’t… it sounds like it happened to somebody else. Did you ever worry that, you know, when you were feeling at your worst, that you would not get better? I was convinced that I would not. I would not get better… And so was I. Well, I have to say, you were a good actress then. Because you were consistently supportive of him. And if you did feel hopeless, it wasn’t obvious. Because I knew there was so much out there being done. Even though it seemed like such a long road. I always knew that there was something next. Whenever I tell people that I take antidepressants, their biggest question is, “What about the side effects? “Aren’t you concerned with the side effects? “I always hear about the side effects. I read the side effects.” The side effects… of the drugs? Oh, those don’t bother me at all. No. No, the only side effect that concerns me are the side effects of depression. One of the more troublesome… …side effects of depression is death. I’ll take dry mouth… …over death. I can sip water, chew gum, go like this every once in a while. I know of only one Jew who’s overcome death. They call it suicide, but I feel like that word is incomplete. I think they should call it death from depression, not suicide. So, I’ll take any of the side effects. Hair loss, dizziness, blurred vision, muscle aches, joint aches, diarrhea. Of course. Diarrhea is so much more productive than depression. I can get out of bed with diarrhea. “What about impotence?” Impotence? Oh yeah. I was having so much sex in the fetal position! Yes, give me impotence. What do you mean, more impotence? Yes, I will take… I will take diarrhea and impotence simultaneously… …if I can smile at a sunset? I will stand there, in my soiled underwear, and flaccidly grin ear-to-ear. Because when I’m in my right mind, a sunset is justification for existence. And when I’m depressed, I look at a sunset and I think, “Yeah, you gave up, too?” Five p.m. in the winter, I get it. I’m ready to call it a day. I feel you, sun. Over the years, I’ve tried all the antidepressants. I’ve taken them on-label, off-label, off-legal. I won’t say it was illegal what I did, but I took something called ketamine. Jesus! Ketamine is a horse tranquilizer… …in a very large dose, but in a microdose, ketamine is one of the most effective antidepressants, and, more importantly, anti-suicidal medications. The problem was when I needed it, it was not available… easily. I had to go to a doctor, one doctor in New York City who was licensed to give you a ketamine infusion, and it was $800 because it wasn’t covered… by insurance. So, it was $800 a visit, and worth every penny. Oh, for an hour every other day, I felt like myself. I smiled. I enjoyed things. It was remarkable. The problem was is that it’s supposed to work after you leave the office, and in most cases, it does, but in my case, it didn’t work after I left the office. And I remember the doctor said, “I’m really sorry. I can’t take your money anymore.” Which was so confusing… “No, I have more money.” He says, “I can’t take it.” I went back a couple of times dressed as a horse. But I feel like he recognized my voice. And then, I… had a choice to make, and I discussed it with my doctor, and with Sadé, and my friend Amy, who is here tonight— Woo! And yeah… And she was… It’s so interesting how some people only tell you after the storm is over how big the waves were. But Amy was very honest with me. Like, I had one friend three years ago. He said, “The last time I saw you, I thought was going to be the last time I saw you.” And, I remember thinking, “Oh man, I would’ve liked to have known that.” I get it, but gee whiz! But I remember Amy said to me, she said… “You’ve got four years.” Yeah, and it sunk in. And so, we discussed it, and I went into the hospital, into the psych ward, and I was terrified because, unfortunately, pop culture has given us an image of the psych ward that is so dangerous and so frightening. But I can tell you, I was there for three weeks. It was a very ordinary experience. It was, I was fortunate in some ways, but it was really the average experience because I didn’t go to a private hospital. It was covered by my insurance. And there were men and women, poor people, rich people. It was such a diverse group. And I think I had, pretty much, the average experience in the hospital. One very fortunate thing was that I got recognized within a half hour of turning in my belt. Another patient came up to me, and I’ll never forget it. He said, “Excuse me, I’m really sorry to bother you.” He was so sweet. He said, “Are you Gary Gulman, or am I crazy?” And I laughed, and I hadn’t laughed in months at that point. I probably hadn’t cracked a smile. But he said, “Am I crazy?” And I laughed. Are you cr— Yes! Yes! But only getting that from the context. It’s 6:30 p.m., we’re in pajamas. But I am Gary Gulman. The good news is I’m Gary Gulman. The bad news is your self-esteem is so low, you felt the best you could hallucinate was Gary Gulman. I hear a lot of people come out of the psych ward, and they say something to the effect of, “within a few days, I realized that “those people really had it much worse off than I did. “And I felt better about my condition, and I left early.” And I remember sitting in art therapy one day, and thinking to myself, “This feels just about right.” My finger paintings are as dark as anyone’s in here. It was very ordinary. I can’t really think of too much that was out of the ordinary. The first night when I went to call Sadé on the payphone, the cord… to the payphone was, like, the length of a candlewick. I remember being so confused. I thought, why is the cord, why am I bent over? I haven’t used a payphone in a long time, but I don’t remember the cord being this shor— Oh, that’s right, I’m crazy. Okay. All right. And then, I remember, I said to the nurse, I said, “Can you take it out? ‘Cause I’m just calling my wife. Then you can take it back in when I call my mother.” You know, the reason we’re all here. My mother. I love her, but even when I’m not on the phone with her, sometimes I’ll hear her voice. Like, whenever I spend lavishly. Like, I got room service the other night because I got back to the hotel after my show and all the restaurants were closed, and I was hungry and… I don’t need to justify it to you. And I could hear my mother. “Oh, Gary’s getting room service.” “Excuse me! “Mr. Big Shot. Must be nice! Must be nice!” That’s how my mother says congratulations. “Must be nice!” Or I ran 10 miles the other day and I told my mother, and she said, “Oh, good for you. How long is a marathon?” Twenty-six. “Twenty-six-point-two!” If you knew down to a tenth of a mile how long it was, why did you ask me? “Well, I wanted you to internalize your mediocrity.” So, I’ve been working on a piece that I’m gonna try out for the first time tonight. Yeah, and I’m anxious about it, and… but it… excited. The hardest thing to talk about on stage and the thing that people have the least understanding about and the least information and knowledge, and the scariest thing is about the treatment that I had. And I’m only comfortable talking about it now because I have come out the other side. I have no idea how this is going to go. Much like the first time I ever did stand-up comedy. I had no idea how the jokes were going to go. I mean, I was anxious before I got here. As I was getting coffee, I kept thinking, is it possible that this subject isn’t even funny? It’s not… Like, all my observations come from a place of recognition. It’s like, that’s, this is so obscure. This is so obscure. Everybody make a lot of noise for Gary Gulman. Thank you! Thanks so much. 2017 was… the best 2017 was Chris Pine. He was Captain Kirk in Star Trek and the love interest in Wonder Woman. Yes! Let’s compare it to my 2017. I, um, I spent three weeks in the psych ward. All right, so… I lied for a long time about why I was in the hospital. I would tell people that I went there to adjust my medication, which if you know how health insurance works, that’s… that’s not done. But I was ashamed and I was concerned about people’s reactions to the real reason I was in the hospital. And the reason I went into the hospital was because my psychiatrist is an advocate for, and an expert in, something called electroconvulsive therapy. Which used to be called electroshock therapy, but they felt electroshock was not quite horrifying enough. They said, yes, electroshock is disturbing, but I feel like we’re soft-selling the convulsions. Yes, the writhing. If we could underscore the writhing, make that the centerpiece, I feel like we could really weed out the sissies and the mama’s boys. Electroconvulsive therapy, ECT as it’s always called now, it has a very bad branding problem. Even electroshock to electroconvulsive is, at best, a lateral move. And, again, pop culture has ruined the reputation of this because of one movie. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, the most disturbing scene in the most disturbing movie. Jack Nicholson is held down by a dozen orderlies as they put electrodes up to his temples and mock-execute him. He’s writhing in pain. And I just have to tell you, it’s not done like that anymore. It’s not. They give you a general anesthesia and a muscle relaxer, and it’s delightful. The anesthesiologist would say, “Now Gary, count down from 10.” And I never once got past “Nuh.” And not the nuh in nine. The nuh in 10. It put me out. I felt nothing. I remember nothing from it. I finished up an hour later. I would come to in the recovery room. About 15 minutes later, I was back upstairs watching The Office with my best friend and biggest fan. We would watch The Office every day, and one day, I felt very comfortable with him one day, and I said, and this is true. I said, “Did you know that I auditioned “for the role of Jim when they were casting it? Long ago, I auditioned for the role of Jim.” And this was so sweet. He says, “Did you get it?” I haven’t heard back yet… But the other thing they don’t tell you about ECT is that it’s considered the gold standard in treating treatment- resistant depression. It’s very effective, and it works very quickly, and it works well. I was so anxious, I was shaking all the time, biting my lip. Within three treatments, one week, all my anxiety went away. Within about 10 treatments, the depression started to lift. I felt a little bit better, and I was released from the hospital. The timing was an issue because my lease was up in my New York City apartment, and I didn’t have the energy nor the will to look for a new New York City apartment, and to pack and to move. I thought it might set me back, so I decided, and discussed it with Sadé and my doctor, I decided to move back to my home town in Massachusetts, and, this is wild, I moved back into the exact same house I grew up in. And coincidence of coincidences, my mother still lived there. I moved back into my childhood bedroom. And the timing… I got an invitation to my 25th college reunion, and it had an invitation, and then a request for a donation of $1,000 or more. And I remember thinking, “do you not realize you sent this to the exact same address you sent my acceptance letter?” You think there’s $1,000 rolling around? And you think I want to go? Knowing what I’ve made of myself? I’m back where I started! And I remember thinking, there’s no way I’m going to this because, at that point, I was so sick of lying about how I felt to make other people less uncomfortable around me, and that’s… People lie at their reunions even if they’re doing well, and I just don’t want to continue lying. What, I’m gonna tell the truth? “Hey, what you been up to?” Well, I’m allowed around belts again! These are laces in my shoes, and my socks don’t have any treads on them! And I thought, there’s no way I’m going to this. But then, luckily, I said no. All you’ve been doing is isolating for years. You need to get of the house. You should go to this. Just go for an hour, and if you’re having a good time, stay. And, I must say, one of the best moves I made in my recovery was going to that reunion because I reconnected with people I hadn’t seen in years. We made plans, I made appointments, and I started to… incrementally improve. And part of it, I know, was the getting out of the house, and, studies have shown, that those interactions with other people, even if it’s just at the grocery store, at the Starbucks, it increases the level of serotonin and dopamine in your brain. And I would go and I would feel a little bit better for a little while, and it was so helpful. And I just started to be able to exercise a little bit, a walk around the block. I started to be able to eat a little bit better, and I started to do a little bit of stand-up comedy, but it was so obvious that I was sick that I had to acknowledge it. I had to open up about my suffering. And I found that I got such incredible feedback on that from people after the show, and I realized something. If you are suffering from a mental illness, I promise you, you are not alone. You are not alone. Oh no, no, no. I’m sorry. You are alone. You are alone, but only because you can’t leave the house today. But you should. It will— it well help. At the very least, it will distract you from those critical ruminations that are a big part of depression and anxiety. And then maybe, you can do a little bit more, slowly. You have to just be patient because there is hope. I can’t stress that enough. I was ready to give up so many times, but there is… And I never thought, I am so glad, are you kidding me? That I stuck around for this? Oh… I’m just so grateful because I was so sick. When I went into the hospital, I was sleeping every day until at least six p.m. And you’re being generous. You’re giving me the benefit of the doubt. “Oh, you went to bed really late.” Ten. I was getting a solid 19. And I wouldn’t wake up refreshed. I would wake up groggy and hopeless. And then if I did a show and got through a day, I would reward myself by getting a pint of ice cream. And I would always say to myself, “Just eat half the pint.” But invariably, I have this like obsessive compulsion where I need to leave a flat surface… For who, the day crew? But I would keep eating it flat. And then I’d come across a chocolate chunk, and I need to excavate that, and that leaves a pothole, so I gotta smooth that over. Then it starts to melt along the perimeter, and that’s gelato. You can’t let that go to waste. And before I know it, I’d hit bottom. Literally and millennial literally. And I would just say, “Just finish it, Gar. Just finish it.” And I would finish it. And I would put the fork down. More times than not, I would eat ice cream with a fork. Which is like an unofficial symptom of depression. People say, well, why does that mean you’re depressed? It may not. But it does mean, at least, that you did not possess the zest to wash a spoon. People would say, why don’t you just wash a spoon? Why don’t I shower? I didn’t have the energy. But if I see fork prints in your ice cream, oh, fork prints in ice cream are evidence of a life in chaos. I can extrapolate your entire home from fork prints in ice cream. I don’t need to go into your bathroom. I know that the new roll of toilet paper is resting on the empty spool. It’s the only household chore we can do whilst sitting on the toilet… and I’m thinking, “Pfft, not today.” I know you need to do laundry. Depressed people hate laundry. So many steps. Separate the laundry. Put it in the wash. Take it out of the wash. Put it in the dryer. Take it out of the dryer. Put it in the laundry bag. Dump the laundry bag on the bed and sleep around it for two days. I put it on, it’s all wrinkled. What am I gonna do, iron? I haven’t touched an iron since Monopoly. But I know my depresh is in remish because I ironed this. And also… Also, I have flossed 19 days in a row. I get out of bed, and some days are a little bit more difficult than others. Never as bad as it as it was, but some days it’s hard to get out of bed and… People say, “Why is it hard to get out of bed?” I think I know why. This is my theory. The thing they don’t tell you about life when you’re growing up is this. Life, mm? It’s every single day. Thank you. ♪ I want to be your rock ♪
♪ Your Saturday cartoon ♪
♪ I want to be the jam ♪
♪ Your peanut butter, too ♪
♪ I want to be the skin ♪
♪ Of your favorite tattoo ♪
♪ Just to be the man ♪
♪ I never was to you ♪
♪ Some days you’ll feel great ♪
♪ Somedays you’ll feel so low ♪
♪ Don’t let your sorrows ♪
♪ Drown in tomorrows ♪
♪ And take it as it goes ♪
♪ I want to be the vase ♪
♪ Of your favorite bouquet ♪
♪ I want to be the pill ♪
♪ That gets you through your day ♪
♪ Don’t let your sorrows ♪
♪ Drown your tomorrows ♪
♪ And take it as it goes ♪
♪ Take it as it goes ♪
♪ Take it as it goes ♪
♪ Take as it goes ♪ | Dear God, today is going to be big. The most-watched daytime service of the year. Some people don’t know how to be rich and still act like a human being. Stacy, this cortado is yucky, get it out of here. Gemstones are an absolute disgrace to all ministries. Let’s go get our money. Ooh. What? Daddy, you just threw Jesus across the room. It was a karate person. No, that was Jesus. I better sit. Hey, bye, Ma. Have a good time, Gar. Come on! ♪ I’ll say goodbye ♪ ♪ To all my sorrow ♪ ♪ And by tomorrow ♪ ♪ I’ll be on my way ♪ ♪ I guess the Lord must be ♪ ♪ In New York City ♪ ♪ I’m so tired ♪ ♪ Of getting nowhere ♪ ♪ Seeing my prayers going unanswered ♪ ♪ I guess the Lord must be ♪ ♪ In New York City ♪ ♪ Well, here I am, Lord ♪ ♪ Knocking at your back door ♪ ♪ Ain’t it wonderful ♪ ♪ To be ♪ ♪ Where I’ve always wanted to be ♪ ♪ For the first time, I’ll breathe free ♪ ♪ Here in New York City ♪ ♪ Oh-oh-oh… ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, Gary Gulman! Oh… You came. You actually came. Thank you. It… phew… was a long time since I shot my last special, like, over four years, and… The reason was is that I got… I got very sick with “the depresh.” Severe, just crippling depression and anxiety, about two springs ago. My wife, Sadé… Not the Sadé. A Sadé, my Sadé. She said, “Gary, all you were doing was crying and sleeping.” And I get so defensive. I always say, “I also watched Better Call Saul.” “I wish you would paint a more accurate picture “of what was going on for one hour a week, for 10 consecutive weeks, I pulled it together.” But yes, I was sleeping and crying. I was so sick. I couldn’t perform at all. I would bite my lip, until it bled, from anxiety. I was shaking all the time. My voice was so stressed, I couldn’t really talk. I couldn’t stand for more than five minutes, I was so fatigued all the time. I had to cancel all my shows for months, and… I was contemplating retiring from comedy. And then I, I thought about it some, and realized that retirement is a bit pretentious… …for what was going on. Like… Johnny Carson retired. Michael Jordan retired. Gary Gulman, you’re giving up. Also, the word “retirement” implies that you’ve accumulated some kind of nest egg over the years… …and that was not the case. I was going to have to continue working to earn money, and one of the requirements was that it be less stressful than a job that requires no more than an hour of my day… …and allows me to sleep up until about 7:30 p.m. So, I wasn’t able to work, and I had a lot of free time to reflect. And one of the things I kept thinking about was when did this… when did this start? How long have I had depression and anxiety? And while I’ll say that I’ve had a number of episodes over the years, none lasted as long as this one, none was as severe as this one, none left me as hopeless as this one. But I can go back to being a child— They say that— most experts will tell you that a lot of depression and anxiety starts in childhood, and I can… I can attest to that. That was case with me. I grew up in the ’70s and ’80s, and, um, ugh, as a sensitive boy, not a very accommodating time for sensitive boys. Like, I really admire and envy millennials. They’re so much nicer to each other than we were. Bullies were rampant when I was growing up, and, millennials, your stance on bullying is to be commended. I have a theory on why millennials are so much nicer to each other than we were, and it’s that millennials grew up much better hydrated than we did. Water just was not a consideration when I was growing up. And I’m not one of these middle-aged men who’ll come up here and say, “We didn’t even need water!” We needed it desperately. We walked around the decade, dizzy and listless. We needed water. But in my house growing up, in the refrigerator, all we had, pretty much, was whole milk and Tab. I wouldn’t get my first sip of real, pure water until Thursday. Thursday was gym day, and the entire experience was fraught… …perilous. Because water pressure in 1970s public schools was so weak, you had to make love to the drinking fountain. But if you got that close, it tempted the cretin behind you… …to smash your skull into the iron spout, which was considered a prank in 1978. Now it’s rightfully classified as felony assault. But back then, it was just boys will be boys. The teacher wouldn’t even interrupt her countdown, which was necessary because budget cuts in the ’70s caused classroom sizes to swell. Classrooms were enormous, so the teacher would have to limit your quench… with this. “One Missippi, two Missippi, three Missippi, next.” And I would protest. I would become outraged, and I would say something. I was very precocious when I was a little kid. I think you would’ve loved me. I remember I would finish my sip under so much pressure. This, but also, it’s like, I need to get my water for the week… …in three Missippi or less. It was daunting. And I would finish my sip, I would collect my teeth… …and I would say, “Mrs. McNally.” That’s her real last name. Oh, I will protect her no longer. Mrs. McNally, it is not Missippi. It’s Mississippi. You’re costing me an entire syllable of hydration with your pidgin English! But you want to know something, Mrs. M? How appropriate, how apt… …that you use Mississippi to carry out your unjust drinking fountain policy. That— Now, that’s precocious. To have that firm a grasp of Jim Crow legal doctrine at seven. But millennials, they’re just much more accepting of each other. They feel safe around each other. Accepting, they’re accepting of non-conforming gender roles and identities, and, oh… I grew up at a time, the definition of manhood was so narrow. You were either Clint Eastwood, or you were Richard Simmons. There was nothing in between. There were no Paul Rudds… …no kind-eyed Mark Ruffalos. You had to be so hard! And millennials, they’re so accepting of each other, and they feel safe coming out to each other in high school, even junior high. I have to be honest with you. In 1987, I didn’t feel safe ordering a Sprite. This will sound nuts, but Sprite, amongst the men of my community, was considered a woman’s beverage. Why? How? Because it’s translucent like lingerie? I’ve never been able to figure out— Also, the word sprite is a synonym for woodland pixie. I remember going on a field trip, and on the bus ride home, we stopped off at a fast-food restaurant, and I ordered a Sprite, like a fool… …in front of everybody. And this bully, he came up to me as I was drinking in front of everyone, and he said, “Enjoying your fairy juice, fairy?” And I was, yes, mortified, but also, at the same time, so confused as to how a bully could be that conversant in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I was kind of a lonely kid. I think the best way to picture my childhood was think of Charlie Brown had Snoopy died. Oh, I love this. Yeah. Are you filming me now? Yeah. Oh, please. Just a minute. Oh my God, I love that picture. Yeah. Oh, Gary is… so happy. Yeah, these were really good pictures. It’s like going down memory lane. Yeah. I don’t think he remembers these. Wow. He hasn’t seen these… No. …A long time. And here’s the first night that I ever did, um… The first night I ever did stand-up at Nick’s Comedy Stop. Oh. Was it at Nick’s? Yeah. Wasn’t it at that little place in Cambridge, Gary? Um… With the showered screen like… Remember… No? No. You went to Nick’s? Yes! So, you don’t that he was depressed as a kid or— No. Absolutely not. Nope. A happier kid you couldn’t find. Always had a smile on his face. Aw… See how happy he was? I mean, come on. This is a book I wrote in second grade. It was called The Lonely Tree, and it was, um… To anybody with a, just a small amount of psychology knowledge, you would know this was a cry for help. That it was an allegory for a lonely, sad… I didn’t know. See, the tree was being teased by the animals in the forest. And it cried and it grew, and it became beautiful and became the Christmas tree in the city, and… it grew from tears. Happy-go-lucky kid. You see him. You see how he smiles and happy. Well, that’s the way he always was. So, how could I detect anything? I mean it. It’s so hard to tell. Such an insidious disease, um, depression, and loneliness, loneliness sets in with it. Not easy. It’s so sad. The Lonely Tree. But it— But when you think of it… Mm. …The tree alone, lonely. Oh my God. When you think about it, yeah. So, I was big. I was big, and I was sensitive and soft growing up. And when you were big back then, you were encouraged/harassed into playing sports. And I didn’t want to play the footballs, the hockeys, the contact sports. That was not for me. I fell in love with basketball, almost immediately, because… because basketball just fits my personality, it still does. Basketball is the only sport you can practice by yourself. I… spent a lot of time practicing basketball by myself. And basketball also fits me because it’s the only sport where if somebody so much as slaps you on the wrist, they stop the game. Stop the game, separate everyone, and let you make two easy shots while everyone else is forced to watch quietly. As if to say, “Think about what you did.” And I was— Oh, I was automatic from the free throw line because free throw shooting is a direct function of childhood loneliness. I have this carnival skill. If you tell me you were a good high school free throw shooter, you can give me your high school free throw shooting percentage, and I can tell you what time your single mother got home from work. I shot 94 % my senior year. My mother was a night court bailiff. The trouble with my basketball career was that… I felt horrible about myself. I hated myself. And I had it in my head that— and this is classic depressive thinking— I hate myself. If I work really hard at something and get great at it, then I will feel really good about myself. I love basketball players. I’ll get really good at basketball, and then I’ll feel good about myself. But it doesn’t work that way, and it put so much pressure on my basketball career, and I was so devoted. I made the junior high team, and I was captain. And before the season started, we had a scrimmage game against my synagogue. I also played on the synagogue team, and… unfortunately, the synagogue team was not quite as stacked… …as the junior high team. And so, the coach, in order to… even out the teams, he suggested I play with my people. And I remember thinking, “Oh no. This is— I’m gonna put so much pressure on myself,” and I did. I thought, “I’m not just playing for the synagogue. I’m playing for Yahweh.” I’m playing for the synagogue, my rabbi. I’m carrying this religion. And I went out there and I choked. I went “oh for chai.” Chai is 18 in Hebrew, and it would take the rest of the show to explain to you why, but I couldn’t make a shot, and we got crushed. And I went home and I was inconsolable, I was devastated. I felt, I’ve let down every Jewish person. I have let down Sandy Koufax, and Dolph Schayes, and Garry Shandling, and Bugs Bunny. Every Jew… …I have let down. And I remember I was devastated because I thought “Not only am I never gonna be a great basketball player, I’m gonna hate myself for the rest of my life.” And I went into my mother’s medicine cabinet, and she had this bottle of sleeping pills. And I opened them up, and I poured them into my hand. And, thank God, as I looked at them, I thought to myself, “You know, my mom is not much of a housekeeper. And these feel old.” Like, maybe I’m misremembering this, but I remember them, I was like, “These are rusty.” And it didn’t have a childproof cap. It had a cork. And I remember the thinking, it was, “If I take these and they don’t work, we’re broke. “There’s going to be an ambulance, an emergency room visit. My mother is going to kill me.” So, I put the cork back in there, and I put them back in the medicine cabinet, and I just went on suffering silently, which was the only thing you could do back then. The only antidepressants we had access to in the 1970s and ’80s pretty much was, “Snap out of it…” …and “What have you got to be depressed about?” That was the second leading brand of antidepressant. And so, I just… suffered in silence. And the other thing is, millennials have a much healthier attitude towards sports than we had growing up. Like, I grew up with the expression: “Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” Which is so easy to poke a hole in. It’s the only thing, really? What about… collage? Collage is a thing and infinitely more relaxing than winning, honestly. And it’s interesting because millennials take so much flak, so much guff. Flak as well as guff. I don’t know which irritates me more, the flak or the guff. From middle-aged men talking about participation trophies. Their argument is, “How are they gonna learn how to lose? How are they gonna learn how to lose?” Oh, they’ll get some practice. You familiar at all with life? Oh, it’s mostly losing! My 20s? Oh, losing streak that would embarrass the Browns. Cleveland and Charlie! Give them a participation trophy. They deserve it. They’re putting down the most exciting video games in the history of zeros and ones for three hours to play Little League Baseball, a more boring version of Major League Baseball. I… I love Major League Baseball because I was indoctrinated very young. But there’s so much downtime in a Major League Baseball game. You can do your taxes during a Major League Baseball game, and coach first base. So much downtime. Give them a trophy. “It’s a fake trophy.” Oh, as opposed to your real fantasy football team? You spend 20 plus hours a week with nine other lost souls, pretending that you’re a football general manager. Not a player, not a coach. An administrator! And you’re gonna begrudge a seven-year-old a memento of an idyllic time? How dare you! And I don’t feel like I needed nor deserved a participation trophy growing up because, really, there was nothing else to do besides play Little League Baseball. I once spent an entire Sunday, from 9:30 a.m. until dusk, scouring my lawn for a four-leaf clover. Because, at seven years old, I felt I needed some luck. I thought, if I’m gonna turn this ship around, I’m going to need some supernatural intervention. Not realizing, of course, in the irony of ironies, that I would never have greater fortune again in my life than having the free time to scan the grass for a mythical weed! It was the best of times. What’s your name again? I’m Gary Gulman. The Gary Gulman. How far back do you guys go? We met in 1993 at the back of Nick’s Comedy Stop, in Boston. Yep. And then we worked together— Dude, I remember your first day waiting tables. And I remember you put the apron on, and you went out, you got the little notepad… Yeah. Right. …Which looks smaller in your hand. And your hand was shaking. Oh, yeah. I was shaking. You were so nervous. Yeah. I was like, aw. But then we became really close and bonded… Yeah. …Doing comedy at night, that in the morning, and then… cigars and comic books in the afternoon. Yeah, we’d sit there and smoke cigars, talk comic books… Yeah. …And then comedy… Yeah. …And we would just gossip. Yeah. Yes! One of my favorite people to gossip with. I never started telling anybody about my mood difficulties back then. And I didn’t start telling people close to me until this past year, when I started talking about it on stage. I really thought I had seen the worst of it until, like, 2017, when I went into the hospital and told… told no one. Yeah, I didn’t know that either, buddy. Yeah. I knew you said you were moving back to Boston. Yeah. I got really sick with depression and dropped out of comedy, dropped out of working. I got a job as a camp counselor at a summer camp for teenagers. What the fuck? Really? Yeah, because I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to earn a living to pay my rent. And when you’re depressed, you’re catastrophizing, and you think… Yeah. …I’m gonna be homeless, not thinking that, worst case, I could live in your shed. Yeah. I mean, the way you paused when I put out living in your shed, I mean, was the shed not open to me? No, the shed’s open to you. I was just thinking how much I would have to charge you. ‘Cause I couldn’t just give it to you for free. I’d have to give you goals. Right, right. It’s funny ’cause I didn’t know I had depression until a few years ago. Right. I just thought that’s— That’s how everybody is. You get great at something, then you feel good about yourself, that’s the reward. And then you get great at something, and you’re like, I still feel the same. It’s also, too, in my depression— If I remove the depression, Then I’m gonna remove the funny. Oh, yeah. Huge myth. Yeah, it’s a myth. Like, if I get married, I’m not gonna be funny anymore. If I have a kid… Yeah. …I’m not gonna be funny. If I get healthy, mentally— Any kind of contentment is the enemy of… Is the enemy of funny when, actually, it’s the reverse. Yes, absolutely. Isn’t it weird though? Why do we think that? Why are we so old and figuring this out? I envy millennials. Not just their healthier attitude toward sports, but their nine ESPNs. You have nine ESPNs. Literally. My generation’s version of literally. That’s my one quibble with millennials is how you hijacked the word “literally” from us. Literally, a rich history— since its inception in 1525, it meant “actually” or “unequivocally.” And then, around 2008, millennials said, “Oh no, it also means figuratively.” Yes. Yes, it will contain its own antonym. And there’s nothing you can do about it. You don’t have the energy. You’re too exhausted. And you know what? You’ve destroyed our future and buried us in debt. It’s the least you can do, is give us “literally” for the time remaining. Nine ESPNs. I grew up— basically, we had three channels. But because television was so mediocre, there was only one conflict each week. Sunday nights at 7:00. I had an 8 p.m. bedtime, and at 7:00, I wanted to watch The Wonderful World of Disney, which was a beautiful animated— They would show animated Disney movies. And it opened with Tinkerbell flying around Cinderella’s castle, shooting live-action fireworks out of her animated wand, to the tune of… ♪ When you wish upon a star ♪ ♪ Makes no difference who you are ♪ A promise that Disney could not keep. Historically, in America, certain groups have had more luck wishing upon stars than others. But at seven, I couldn’t disagree. I have no idea how that song ended because it was always at that point that my mother would get up and change the channel from The Wonderful World of Disney to 60 Minutes. The exact opposite of The Wonderful World of Disney. From… ♪ When you wish upon ♪ to… The most sinister theme song in television history. That noise…, to this day, gives me a pit in my stomach. Oh dear God. Is all my homework done? In nine hours, I’ll be bullied! And that clock, that stopwatch, in the middle of the TV would count down the final hour of my glorious weekend. And the entire show was just inventory for nightmares. Every feature was just miserable. And they were all about Soviet aggression and nuclear apocalypse and… The Soviets are coming to blow up your toys. And then they would have a lighter story kidnapped children. There was a hysteria over kidnapped children. It started in 1981 when a man went on all the TV news programs and he claimed that 50,000 American children a year were being abducted. And then later on that decade, he would recant and say it wasn’t quite 50,000. In fact, it was no more than 300. He was off by… 50,000. But the damage was done! Nobody pays attention to the retraction. They only pay attention to the initial assertion, which was, “You’re about to go missing.” The entire nation went into a panic. We were traumatized. There is not a single person my age who doesn’t break into a sprint whenever a van slows down. And this will sound crazy, but up until that time, vans were beloved! They were used, almost exclusively, to solve mysteries. And then this man destroyed vans and our innocence. With information, by the way, completely inactionable. There was nothing we could do with the information that there were missing kids. We didn’t have the technology. There was no AMBER alerts, no text messaging, no social media. All we had… was milk. Now, that sounds made up. But it’s true. They would put a picture… of a missing kid on the side of every lunchtime milk carton, and these doomed waifs would stare at us throughout our lunch, accusingly, as if to say, “How can you eat at a time like this?” “I’m at the bottom of a well. You’re eating peanut butter and jelly on matzo.” And I’m looking, and I feel terrible. I’m like, what, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but… what am I supposed to do about it? I’m six! Yeah, Mrs. Burns, I’m gonna miss music class again today. The West Lynn Creamery has me on another case. Yeah, I’m just gonna follow up on this one lead. It’s probably a dead end. But I’ll run it up the flagpole. Getting too old for this. Moving into this apartment was a big step for me because when I left New York last year, I was in complete despair, and I really didn’t know if I’d ever be able to take care of myself again. This is the apartment I moved in a few months ago, and… I… still haven’t unpacked, as you can see. This is the view. The light is very important to a depressive, so it has great light. Of all the 600 square foot apartments I’ve lived in in New York, this is my favorite. I had a sick dog, so it looks like this entire cabinet is just filled with medication, but… I only take three of these. I take… mirtazapine, duloxetine. This was just something that was added recently to keep me from getting ravenously hungry in the middle of the night. That was really, really hard because one of these makes you really hungry. So, it was hard to not gain weight during the… during this, and I’m very vain, so… So that was, that was hard. This is a collection of great thinkers finger puppets. Sadé, you be Mark Twain— We have some other cool ones though. We’ve got Harriet Tubman. What about Zora Neale Hurston? Oh, Zora Neale Hurston because she’s from this neighborhood— Right, so— All right, so Mark Twain, and, uh, lemme give you a topic. The, um, “Hey, do you think I used the N-word enough in Huck Finn?” “Oh my God, not enough. I’m a writer.” “I’m an author myself. It’s not nearly enough.” “Oh, really? Think I could… I really enjoyed Their Eyes Were Watching God. High five. All right, high five. There we go. Yay. At 17 years old, in 1988, I was six-foot-six and 255 pounds. I had built a very convincing… man-costume. I looked like a bad, bad man. But I was still the same inside. I was still soft. I was sweet. To put it in millennial terms, I have a Gryffindor body but a Hufflepuff soul. But I remember the high school football coach started to suggest that I should play football. And up until that time, I had just said, “Well, my mother won’t let me.” But then, at six-foot-six, 255 pounds, they… probably felt I could overpower her. And I went out for the football team, and I made it, and… I stood out mostly because I was just bigger than everyone. I was six-foot-six. The average height of a high school football player in Massachusetts in 1988 was maybe five-ten. And if you weighed 200 pounds, you were an offensive lineman. I played tight end. They would throw the ball very high. I would catch it one-handed because the ball was so small, and also I needed to protect my ribs with this arm, and then I would try to avoid danger for a little while, and then dive to the ground before anybody got a good headshot on me. Because one time, I got… a helmet-to-helmet hit, and it woke me right up. It was… It was exciting yet frightening because I got the helmet-to-helmet hit. It sounded like a gunshot. I went to the sidelines, and the coaches and my teammates were like, “Gulman got his bell rung! Gulman got his bell rung!” “Bell rung.” That was the sweet euphemism we used for what we now know is a severe concussion. I got my bell rung, yeah. I don’t know the nines in the times tables, but yes. I’m one of the guys. And just went back into the game. The concussion protocol in 1988 was not as elaborate as it is now. Now, you see a doctor, they hold you out, you have to be cleared to play again. The concussion protocol in 1988 was, “You good?” So, I played football my senior year. I made it through the entire season. Played in the Thanksgiving game, and… breathed a huge sigh of relief, and thought, okay, nobody can really question my manhood after this because I played football, and now, I can just drink my Sprite in peace. What I didn’t realize was that my high school coach had sent videos of my games to a bunch of colleges. And then, these college coaches came to my high school to recruit me to play for them. And I wound up accepting a scholarship to Boston College because the head coach of the Boston College Eagles football team two years prior had coached Heisman Trophy winner Doug Flutie. And then two years later, he was recruiting future participation trophy advocate… Gary Gulman. And he sat in my living room and he was just a striking figure. I recognized him from television, so there was a charisma in that. But also, he had this great head of black hair and a strong jaw. He was about six-four. He was a man’s man, and I— Ever since I was a little kid, I needed to gain the favor of man’s men. I just wanted them to think I was a man’s man. And I am a man’s man, depending on the man. For instance, if the man happens to be Michael from Michael’s Arts and Crafts. He would love me. We would get along famously. I love Michael’s. Oh my word, I… I call it Classy Joann’s. Joann’s is fine, but it’s always in disarray, whereas Michael’s is always in array. But this… coach sat in my living room, and I’ll never forget it. He said, “Son…” And you call me son… I will get right in your van. It’s like an arm around the shoulder. He said, “Son, I’m gonna go ahead and offer you a scholarship.” And I remember thinking to myself, “I was afraid this was gonna happen.” ‘Cause I knew I had to accept it. It was February of my senior year. I hadn’t applied to a single college. I had tried, and then I would get to the part where they ask you to write an essay. Made me so anxious. I really feel, in some way, that… my aversion to essays had saved my life again and again, because anytime I’ve contemplated suicide, I’ve thought, “You gotta leave a note.” I’m not spending the last hour of my life… …doing something I’ve dreaded throughout it. So, I knew I was going to accept it. One, I hadn’t applied anywhere else. My grades, because of my depression and anxiety, were… very mediocre. My SAT scores, very average. This was the best school I was gonna get into. Also, we didn’t have the money to pay for a private college. I wasn’t going to be able to go to as good a school as Boston College. So, I had to accept it, but I also knew… I just had this feeling that there was a catch. Like that he was gonna expect me to play football. But he was just so convincing. He said, “Son, “you’re 17 years old, and you have an NFL body.” And I remember thinking to myself, “Well, that may be true, but I— “Oh, how I wish I could tell you that “no more than 10 feet from where we’re sitting, I also have a blankie.” I had a blankie at 17 years old! Let me rephrase that. I have a blankie! It’s on my pillow right now. I can’t sleep without it. It’s something doctors call “Linus Van Pelt syndrome.” And I accepted the scholarship, and I went to training camp, and I trained hard before I got there. I got into excellent shape. I put on another 10 pounds, I was 265 pounds. But I got there, and… I just, I knew before I even got there I thought, yes, against the Lilliputians, I can stand out. But I’m going to a place where everybody’s as big as me. And I just— oh, these guys, they love to hit. And I loved to read. And within days, I came undone. I remember. I was 265 when I got there. I couldn’t eat. I lost 30 pounds in three weeks. I was sleeping from the moment practice ended until it started again the next day. I was oversleeping practices. I… was so sick. I was suicidal, and after three weeks, I went to the trainer, and I told him I need to quit. I can’t do this anymore. But I explained to him what was going on, and thank heaven, this guy was sharp, and he sent me to a therapist. This was 1989. This was 10 years before The Sopranos made it cool for big men to seek therapy. This guy was ahead of his time. And he sent me. He said, “I’m excusing you from practice. Go meet with my friend who’s a therapist here.” And I met with him, and therapy, oh my word. What a revelation. Saved my life over and over again. Therapy, yes… Yeah. I still see a therapist. I still see a therapist. I believe I broke him on Monday. Yeah, I was leaving his office, and I was shutting the door, and I heard him go… But yes. Therapy, as well as medication. Antidepressants. I have taken antidepressants on and on… …for 30 years, and because of the nature of antidepressants, sometimes they don’t work, and you have to try something else. Sometimes, they work, and then they stop working, and you have to try something else. Sometimes, they work, but they’re not good enough. You need to augment them with something. So, over the years, I have tried… Pamelor, Nortriptyline, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Paxil, Abilify, Adderall, Ativan, Klonopin, duloxetine, mirtazapine, sertraline, Effexor, Celexa, Zyprexa. At one point my doctor said, “Let’s just try drugs that rhyme.” Thank you, Dr. Seuss. Sadé, you ready to go? Yes. Okay. Bye, ‘Gor. We are going to see Dr. Friedman, my psychiatrist, and Sadé always comes with me to the sessions. She’s really the MVP of my story. You know, way back, in the very beginning, when you were really depressed, you were just as Sadé is describing. You know, not just sad and feeling critical about yourself, but very, very anxious. And you were crying and you felt, you know, inconsolable. And then that’s when I said, I think you need to come into the hospital. Right. It was very disturbing and heartbreaking to watch because there was no point when your eyes were open that you weren’t in pain. And I didn’t know how to help. Was there a time that you had told me about, and I can’t remember it, where… where you said I was speaking gibberish? Yeah. It’s… You couldn’t think straight. When you were very agitated, you would try to to just keep a coherent thought together, and you couldn’t. It was very disturb— I don’t think you remember at all, but you don’t remember, and I remember all of it. You don’t remember any of? Well, it… as I’m hearing it… I don’t… it sounds like it happened to somebody else. Did you ever worry that, you know, when you were feeling at your worst, that you would not get better? I was convinced that I would not. I would not get better… And so was I. Well, I have to say, you were a good actress then. Because you were consistently supportive of him. And if you did feel hopeless, it wasn’t obvious. Because I knew there was so much out there being done. Even though it seemed like such a long road. I always knew that there was something next. Whenever I tell people that I take antidepressants, their biggest question is, “What about the side effects? “Aren’t you concerned with the side effects? “I always hear about the side effects. I read the side effects.” The side effects… of the drugs? Oh, those don’t bother me at all. No. No, the only side effect that concerns me are the side effects of depression. One of the more troublesome… …side effects of depression is death. I’ll take dry mouth… …over death. I can sip water, chew gum, go like this every once in a while. I know of only one Jew who’s overcome death. They call it suicide, but I feel like that word is incomplete. I think they should call it death from depression, not suicide. So, I’ll take any of the side effects. Hair loss, dizziness, blurred vision, muscle aches, joint aches, diarrhea. Of course. Diarrhea is so much more productive than depression. I can get out of bed with diarrhea. “What about impotence?” Impotence? Oh yeah. I was having so much sex in the fetal position! Yes, give me impotence. What do you mean, more impotence? Yes, I will take… I will take diarrhea and impotence simultaneously… …if I can smile at a sunset? I will stand there, in my soiled underwear, and flaccidly grin ear-to-ear. Because when I’m in my right mind, a sunset is justification for existence. And when I’m depressed, I look at a sunset and I think, “Yeah, you gave up, too?” Five p.m. in the winter, I get it. I’m ready to call it a day. I feel you, sun. Over the years, I’ve tried all the antidepressants. I’ve taken them on-label, off-label, off-legal. I won’t say it was illegal what I did, but I took something called ketamine. Jesus! Ketamine is a horse tranquilizer… …in a very large dose, but in a microdose, ketamine is one of the most effective antidepressants, and, more importantly, anti-suicidal medications. The problem was when I needed it, it was not available… easily. I had to go to a doctor, one doctor in New York City who was licensed to give you a ketamine infusion, and it was $800 because it wasn’t covered… by insurance. So, it was $800 a visit, and worth every penny. Oh, for an hour every other day, I felt like myself. I smiled. I enjoyed things. It was remarkable. The problem was is that it’s supposed to work after you leave the office, and in most cases, it does, but in my case, it didn’t work after I left the office. And I remember the doctor said, “I’m really sorry. I can’t take your money anymore.” Which was so confusing… “No, I have more money.” He says, “I can’t take it.” I went back a couple of times dressed as a horse. But I feel like he recognized my voice. And then, I… had a choice to make, and I discussed it with my doctor, and with Sadé, and my friend Amy, who is here tonight— Woo! And yeah… And she was… It’s so interesting how some people only tell you after the storm is over how big the waves were. But Amy was very honest with me. Like, I had one friend three years ago. He said, “The last time I saw you, I thought was going to be the last time I saw you.” And, I remember thinking, “Oh man, I would’ve liked to have known that.” I get it, but gee whiz! But I remember Amy said to me, she said… “You’ve got four years.” Yeah, and it sunk in. And so, we discussed it, and I went into the hospital, into the psych ward, and I was terrified because, unfortunately, pop culture has given us an image of the psych ward that is so dangerous and so frightening. But I can tell you, I was there for three weeks. It was a very ordinary experience. It was, I was fortunate in some ways, but it was really the average experience because I didn’t go to a private hospital. It was covered by my insurance. And there were men and women, poor people, rich people. It was such a diverse group. And I think I had, pretty much, the average experience in the hospital. One very fortunate thing was that I got recognized within a half hour of turning in my belt. Another patient came up to me, and I’ll never forget it. He said, “Excuse me, I’m really sorry to bother you.” He was so sweet. He said, “Are you Gary Gulman, or am I crazy?” And I laughed, and I hadn’t laughed in months at that point. I probably hadn’t cracked a smile. But he said, “Am I crazy?” And I laughed. Are you cr— Yes! Yes! But only getting that from the context. It’s 6:30 p.m., we’re in pajamas. But I am Gary Gulman. The good news is I’m Gary Gulman. The bad news is your self-esteem is so low, you felt the best you could hallucinate was Gary Gulman. I hear a lot of people come out of the psych ward, and they say something to the effect of, “within a few days, I realized that “those people really had it much worse off than I did. “And I felt better about my condition, and I left early.” And I remember sitting in art therapy one day, and thinking to myself, “This feels just about right.” My finger paintings are as dark as anyone’s in here. It was very ordinary. I can’t really think of too much that was out of the ordinary. The first night when I went to call Sadé on the payphone, the cord… to the payphone was, like, the length of a candlewick. I remember being so confused. I thought, why is the cord, why am I bent over? I haven’t used a payphone in a long time, but I don’t remember the cord being this shor— Oh, that’s right, I’m crazy. Okay. All right. And then, I remember, I said to the nurse, I said, “Can you take it out? ‘Cause I’m just calling my wife. Then you can take it back in when I call my mother.” You know, the reason we’re all here. My mother. I love her, but even when I’m not on the phone with her, sometimes I’ll hear her voice. Like, whenever I spend lavishly. Like, I got room service the other night because I got back to the hotel after my show and all the restaurants were closed, and I was hungry and… I don’t need to justify it to you. And I could hear my mother. “Oh, Gary’s getting room service.” “Excuse me! “Mr. Big Shot. Must be nice! Must be nice!” That’s how my mother says congratulations. “Must be nice!” Or I ran 10 miles the other day and I told my mother, and she said, “Oh, good for you. How long is a marathon?” Twenty-six. “Twenty-six-point-two!” If you knew down to a tenth of a mile how long it was, why did you ask me? “Well, I wanted you to internalize your mediocrity.” So, I’ve been working on a piece that I’m gonna try out for the first time tonight. Yeah, and I’m anxious about it, and… but it… excited. The hardest thing to talk about on stage and the thing that people have the least understanding about and the least information and knowledge, and the scariest thing is about the treatment that I had. And I’m only comfortable talking about it now because I have come out the other side. I have no idea how this is going to go. Much like the first time I ever did stand-up comedy. I had no idea how the jokes were going to go. I mean, I was anxious before I got here. As I was getting coffee, I kept thinking, is it possible that this subject isn’t even funny? It’s not… Like, all my observations come from a place of recognition. It’s like, that’s, this is so obscure. This is so obscure. Everybody make a lot of noise for Gary Gulman. Thank you! Thanks so much. 2017 was… the best 2017 was Chris Pine. He was Captain Kirk in Star Trek and the love interest in Wonder Woman. Yes! Let’s compare it to my 2017. I, um, I spent three weeks in the psych ward. All right, so… I lied for a long time about why I was in the hospital. I would tell people that I went there to adjust my medication, which if you know how health insurance works, that’s… that’s not done. But I was ashamed and I was concerned about people’s reactions to the real reason I was in the hospital. And the reason I went into the hospital was because my psychiatrist is an advocate for, and an expert in, something called electroconvulsive therapy. Which used to be called electroshock therapy, but they felt electroshock was not quite horrifying enough. They said, yes, electroshock is disturbing, but I feel like we’re soft-selling the convulsions. Yes, the writhing. If we could underscore the writhing, make that the centerpiece, I feel like we could really weed out the sissies and the mama’s boys. Electroconvulsive therapy, ECT as it’s always called now, it has a very bad branding problem. Even electroshock to electroconvulsive is, at best, a lateral move. And, again, pop culture has ruined the reputation of this because of one movie. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, the most disturbing scene in the most disturbing movie. Jack Nicholson is held down by a dozen orderlies as they put electrodes up to his temples and mock-execute him. He’s writhing in pain. And I just have to tell you, it’s not done like that anymore. It’s not. They give you a general anesthesia and a muscle relaxer, and it’s delightful. The anesthesiologist would say, “Now Gary, count down from 10.” And I never once got past “Nuh.” And not the nuh in nine. The nuh in 10. It put me out. I felt nothing. I remember nothing from it. I finished up an hour later. I would come to in the recovery room. About 15 minutes later, I was back upstairs watching The Office with my best friend and biggest fan. We would watch The Office every day, and one day, I felt very comfortable with him one day, and I said, and this is true. I said, “Did you know that I auditioned “for the role of Jim when they were casting it? Long ago, I auditioned for the role of Jim.” And this was so sweet. He says, “Did you get it?” I haven’t heard back yet… But the other thing they don’t tell you about ECT is that it’s considered the gold standard in treating treatment- resistant depression. It’s very effective, and it works very quickly, and it works well. I was so anxious, I was shaking all the time, biting my lip. Within three treatments, one week, all my anxiety went away. Within about 10 treatments, the depression started to lift. I felt a little bit better, and I was released from the hospital. The timing was an issue because my lease was up in my New York City apartment, and I didn’t have the energy nor the will to look for a new New York City apartment, and to pack and to move. I thought it might set me back, so I decided, and discussed it with Sadé and my doctor, I decided to move back to my home town in Massachusetts, and, this is wild, I moved back into the exact same house I grew up in. And coincidence of coincidences, my mother still lived there. I moved back into my childhood bedroom. And the timing… I got an invitation to my 25th college reunion, and it had an invitation, and then a request for a donation of $1,000 or more. And I remember thinking, “do you not realize you sent this to the exact same address you sent my acceptance letter?” You think there’s $1,000 rolling around? And you think I want to go? Knowing what I’ve made of myself? I’m back where I started! And I remember thinking, there’s no way I’m going to this because, at that point, I was so sick of lying about how I felt to make other people less uncomfortable around me, and that’s… People lie at their reunions even if they’re doing well, and I just don’t want to continue lying. What, I’m gonna tell the truth? “Hey, what you been up to?” Well, I’m allowed around belts again! These are laces in my shoes, and my socks don’t have any treads on them! And I thought, there’s no way I’m going to this. But then, luckily, I said no. All you’ve been doing is isolating for years. You need to get of the house. You should go to this. Just go for an hour, and if you’re having a good time, stay. And, I must say, one of the best moves I made in my recovery was going to that reunion because I reconnected with people I hadn’t seen in years. We made plans, I made appointments, and I started to… incrementally improve. And part of it, I know, was the getting out of the house, and, studies have shown, that those interactions with other people, even if it’s just at the grocery store, at the Starbucks, it increases the level of serotonin and dopamine in your brain. And I would go and I would feel a little bit better for a little while, and it was so helpful. And I just started to be able to exercise a little bit, a walk around the block. I started to be able to eat a little bit better, and I started to do a little bit of stand-up comedy, but it was so obvious that I was sick that I had to acknowledge it. I had to open up about my suffering. And I found that I got such incredible feedback on that from people after the show, and I realized something. If you are suffering from a mental illness, I promise you, you are not alone. You are not alone. Oh no, no, no. I’m sorry. You are alone. You are alone, but only because you can’t leave the house today. But you should. It will— it well help. At the very least, it will distract you from those critical ruminations that are a big part of depression and anxiety. And then maybe, you can do a little bit more, slowly. You have to just be patient because there is hope. I can’t stress that enough. I was ready to give up so many times, but there is… And I never thought, I am so glad, are you kidding me? That I stuck around for this? Oh… I’m just so grateful because I was so sick. When I went into the hospital, I was sleeping every day until at least six p.m. And you’re being generous. You’re giving me the benefit of the doubt. “Oh, you went to bed really late.” Ten. I was getting a solid 19. And I wouldn’t wake up refreshed. I would wake up groggy and hopeless. And then if I did a show and got through a day, I would reward myself by getting a pint of ice cream. And I would always say to myself, “Just eat half the pint.” But invariably, I have this like obsessive compulsion where I need to leave a flat surface… For who, the day crew? But I would keep eating it flat. And then I’d come across a chocolate chunk, and I need to excavate that, and that leaves a pothole, so I gotta smooth that over. Then it starts to melt along the perimeter, and that’s gelato. You can’t let that go to waste. And before I know it, I’d hit bottom. Literally and millennial literally. And I would just say, “Just finish it, Gar. Just finish it.” And I would finish it. And I would put the fork down. More times than not, I would eat ice cream with a fork. Which is like an unofficial symptom of depression. People say, well, why does that mean you’re depressed? It may not. But it does mean, at least, that you did not possess the zest to wash a spoon. People would say, why don’t you just wash a spoon? Why don’t I shower? I didn’t have the energy. But if I see fork prints in your ice cream, oh, fork prints in ice cream are evidence of a life in chaos. I can extrapolate your entire home from fork prints in ice cream. I don’t need to go into your bathroom. I know that the new roll of toilet paper is resting on the empty spool. It’s the only household chore we can do whilst sitting on the toilet… and I’m thinking, “Pfft, not today.” I know you need to do laundry. Depressed people hate laundry. So many steps. Separate the laundry. Put it in the wash. Take it out of the wash. Put it in the dryer. Take it out of the dryer. Put it in the laundry bag. Dump the laundry bag on the bed and sleep around it for two days. I put it on, it’s all wrinkled. What am I gonna do, iron? I haven’t touched an iron since Monopoly. But I know my depresh is in remish because I ironed this. And also… Also, I have flossed 19 days in a row. I get out of bed, and some days are a little bit more difficult than others. Never as bad as it as it was, but some days it’s hard to get out of bed and… People say, “Why is it hard to get out of bed?” I think I know why. This is my theory. The thing they don’t tell you about life when you’re growing up is this. Life, mm? It’s every single day. Thank you. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/deon-cole-charleens-boy-transcript/ | Deon Cole: Charleen’s Boy (2022) | Transcript | deon cole | [indistinct chattering] [woman] Oh, this water is so good. I don’t know why I was so thirsty. But anyway, I feel comfortable now. It feels real good in here. Yeah. It’s so good to see you, babe. What are you… Tell me, I’ve been thinking about it… What are you doing with Netflix? Is it gonna be like your… Cole Blooded Seminar that you did? [indistinct chattering in crowd] Is it gonna be like the Cole Blooded… you taught? You know, you taught at your Cole Blooded Seminar, you taught. You took the people to school. It’s gonna be… You talked about peanut butter. You talked about, relationships. You talked about sex. I’ll get you on that one. [indistinct chattering continues] What else? [drumbeat] [theme music playing] [crowd cheering] What’s up, Brooklyn? How y’all feeling? [crowd cheering] Thank you all for coming out, man. I sure appreciate y’all for coming out to this special and shit, man. Good to see you. How’re y’all beautiful motherfucking faces tonight? Give it up for yourselves, thank you. [crowd cheering] I’ma tell you this much, though. These young women have been on my ass lately. I ain’t gonna even lie, look. And I know they’re young, too. Because they’re always asking me for my Instagram instead of my phone number and shit. [crowd laughing] Yeah, that’s young bitch game. [crowd laughing] “Wanna go out?” “Yeah.” “What’s your IG?” I’ll be like, “Argh, young bitch! Shit.” [crowd laughing, clapping] Could it be some old motherfucker’s asking for my Instagram, I’d be like, “Now, you know you’re too old to be asking for my Instagram. Go get a pen.” [crowd laughing] “You know better, motherfucker. Go get a pen. Old bitch keep a pen, don’t you?” [crowd laughing] All this technology, that motherfucker is still got that pen. [crowd laughing] Phone right here in her hand. [crowd laughing] I asked a woman one day, I was like, “If you see an attractive man, do you come on to him when you him?” She was like, “No.” I was like, “Really?” I was asking another woman out. I was like, “If you see an attractive guy, do you say anything to him?” She was like, “No. If he don’t say nothing to me, then it really ain’t going down.” I was like, “That’s some dumb ass shit, man. [crowd laughing] Do you know how many potential soulmates, husbands your goofy ass could have had, [crowd laughing] if you woulda just said hi, waved, winked, smiled, pointed at a motherfucker?” You even ain’t gotta look at the man directly in his eye. You can just look at his way and he’ll get it.” A woman look my way too long, I’ma be like, “I’ma go over there and put this thang on that bitch, I promise.” [crowd laughing] I mean, you and I speaking. And you women over 45, let me tell you something. You can’t afford not to speak to anybody. [crowd laughing] You need to be speaking to everybody you see. [crowd laughing] Every door you go through, you need to be like, “Hey, y’all! [crowd laughing] I’m Sheryl. I brought potato salad.” Bitch, you need to boil potato salad every goddamn door you go through, because time ain’t on your side. [crowd continues laughing] Don’t be mad at me. This’s God talking to you right now. [crowd laughing] I’m just a vessel. [crowd laughing] Damn, older women know that. See, you gotta understand, like, woman 50, 55 and up, they understand you know that the older you get, and everybody knows this, men and women, the older you get, you know, time becomes the new currency. It really does. Money, I’ma make that. I’ma get that. But my time, you fuck over my time, motherfucker, we’re gonna have a problem because I can’t get that back. [crowd laughing, cheering] Goddamn it! [voice in crowd whoops] [crowd clapping] Motherfucker take me to a fucked up movie, I’ll be like, “Bitch, I’ma need two hours about you.” [crowd laughing] Goddamn it. Older women know that, though. They move as such too. See, they don’t ride with a whole bunch of women and shit. Like when they go out, they don’t ride with a whole bunch of women and shit because it’s too time-consuming, you know. Waiting on three bitches to get ready, you’ll miss the show and shit. [crowd laughing] Going out to eat, one bitch want taco, one want a hotdog, one want a pizza… you’ll starve fucking with these hoes. Old bitch will be like, “No, just send me that address. I’ll meet you out there.” [crowd laughing] “No, I’ma meet you all there. Ain’t you gonna be drinking and driving?” “Yes I am, bitch.” [crowd laughing, cheering] Bitch ready to catch a DUI than fuck with you, ho! That’s how serious this is. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] Plus they drive by themselves just in case it goes down that night. They can dip off without a whole bunch of judgement and shit. Yeah. [voice in crowd] Yeah! Without a whole bunch of motherfuckers in their business and shit. “Text me when you get in.” “Nah, I’ll be alright, bitch. I don’t need to text you.” [crowd laughing] “I’m 50 for a reason, ho. I’ve made it this far. I’ma be alright. I don’t need to start texting bitches, letting them know I’m leaving.” [crowd laughing] Yeah. [Deon laughing] Older women, lemme ask you something. If you ever have be at a party, and you see a young girl there and that motherfucker be dropping that motherfucker down to the ground, do you be jealous of her knees? [crowd laughing] Yes you do, bitch. Yes you do. [crowd laughing] Young bitch sweeping the floor with her ass. You can’t go no lower than this. All your shit gotta be super-sexy up here. [crowd laughing] Bust out Tina Turner shit all there. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughs] And upgrade your sex toys, goddamn it! Some of y’all sex toys are older than your kids. [crowd laughing] Got that same rabbit tongue… [Deon hisses] wand… bullet… It ain’t even a bullet no more. It’s a slingshot, shit. [crowd laughing] Upgrade your shit. There’s some new shit out there right now called, Tracy’s Dog. [woman in crowd screams] [crowd laughing, cheering] [voice in crowd] Our little testimonial holler is right there. [crowd laughing] Shando! Let them use you, sister! Go ahead. [Deon laughs] Tracy’s Dog, this motherfucker is serious, you hear me? It’s only 50 motherfucking dollars, y’all. My son’s mother, she said, “I can’t keep that motherfucker in the house because I ain’t getting any shit done with it in there, alright? Can’t get shit done with that motherfucker in there. This motherfucker is 50 fucking dollars, you hear me?” And this is like this U-shaped device, right? This part goes in, it’s vibrating and it curves around to the top. And on top, there’s this sucking mechanism that goes right on the clit. All it does is just sucks. [Deon hissing] [crowd laughing] Ten speeds of sucking on this motherfucker. This bitch will collapse your forehead, I promise you. [crowd laughing, cheering] It’s serious. Now go ahead. Put it in your phone. Go ahead. No, go ahead before you forget it and shit. Put it in your god… Don’t worry about who’s looking at you. Put it in your phone. [crowd laughing] You old women, put it… you know your mind ain’t… doing like it used to be. Go ahead, put it in your phone before you forget it. Sitting there trying to remember that shit. “Ha ha ha, he’s so silly. [crowd laughing] Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog…” [crowd laughing] “Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog… “Okay, I know a bitch, she’s named Tracy. She got a dog. Tracy’s dog. [crowd laughing] You know, Tracy’s… Tracy’s dog.” [crowd laughing] You out there with your man. Your man’s like, “You don’t need that shit.” “You’re right, Daddy.” “Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog…” [crowd laughing] [crowd clapping] [indistinct chattering in crowd] Older men change too. It ain’t just women. Men change too. We get old and shit. Like, we can’t fuck the same. No, not at all. The older we get, now, we can’t fuck the same. Shit, sometimes, n*ggas don’t even be thinking about fucking like that, though. For real, though. Just imagine doing this for 50 years. Just… [crowd laughing] 50 years, just… Picking up all different sizes of bitches. 50 fucking years, just… [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] N*ggas get tired of that shit! 50 years of that shit, no. N*ggas can’t be thinking about fucking all the time. Not successful men. No. Successful older men won’t be thinking about fucking. We’ll be having other shit on our minds like taxes and, “When are the kids moving out?” Payroll… Motherfuckers depend on us. We got payroll. We ain’t got time to be cuddling with your ass all the goddamn time. And then we are cuddling with you, we ain’t thinking about you. [crowd laughing] You know what we’re thinking about? When I’m gonna get the feeling back in my goddamn arm? [crowd laughing] From your big ass laying on it for two hours. If I wanna grab a titty, I can’t feel it. [crowd laughing] Got no time to be cuddling with you, motherfucker I got payroll in the morning. “Grab that goddamn pen and help me crunch these numbers, bitch.” This is what older successful men do when it comes to our wives, girlfriends, fiancées and shit. We fuck to keep you. That’s the realest shit you gonna hear. “Not my man.” Especially your man, bitch. [crowd laughing] Whoever the fuck just thought that. We fuck to keep you and that’s it. Your man could be sitting on the couch at home, one sock on, one sock off… [crowd laughing] Holes all in his underwear… Parliament Funkadelic t-shirt… He just ate three sandwiches. You can tell from the bread crust on his plate. Grabbing his plate, going to the kitchen and making a fourth sandwich. [crowd laughing] And you come down the steps looking good to the motherfucker, he’s like, “Where are you going?” [crowd laughing] “I told you it was April’s birthday. We’re going out.” “We’re gonna get something to eat, and after we get something to eat, we’ll go get some drinks, so… you ain’t gotta wait up.” [crowd laughing] “Let me put a little dick in you before you get on outta here.” [crowd laughing, cheering] He didn’t want to fuck. He had to fuck. [crowd laughing] Looking too good. You gotta put that dick in there. You ain’t even thinking about no pussy. He was going to make another sandwich. [crowd laughing] Wasn’t thinking about no goddamn pussy. You gotta put that dick in her before she go out. Man, before somebody else offer her some dick. See, one thing a lot of women don’t do, they don’t do two dicks in one day. That kinda fucks with their psyche and shit. [crowd laughing] Yeah. They don’t do two in one day. So you gotta be the first one in there. [crowd laughing] You gotta get in there first. If she goes out and another n*gga offers some dick, she’s gonna be like, “Oh! [crowd laughing] Damn, why did I let that other n*gga fuck me earlier?! Should have listened to my spirit.” [crowd laughing] Fellas, your girl ever come home from out kicking it all night and she goes straight to bed and you’ll be like this, “Hey, baby. I’ve been up waiting on you and shit. I know you had a good time tonight but come on. Hey, I know you’re ready.” She’ll be like, “Look, just let me go to sleep, please.” [crowd laughing] If that happened, you’re number two. [crowd laughing] See how the laughter died down? [crowd laughing] Men, in here like, “Ha ha ha… That bitch did that shit Thursday night.” [crowd laughing] There’s a certain age, a man should be where he should no longer be considered a gentleman. Like a motherfucker being 80 years old… He shouldn’t be considered a gentleman, you shouldn’t even look at him to be a gentleman. Motherfucker’s 80. But women don’t give a fuck. As long as somebody’s doing something for your monkey ass, that’s all you care about. [crowd laughing] [woman in crowd] That’s damn true. I’m at the airport and shit, this little young chick she gets to the door, she waiting on somebody to open it, I’m about 30 feet away, I’m like, “N*gga, I ain’t about to go over there and open that door.” But here comes this old teskyer man n*gga like, [crowd laughing] Young bitch go through the door, the door slid his ass on. Like, “You seen I’m struggling, bitch.” [crowd laughing] This woman gets on the plane with her luggage and shit. She like, [groaning] “Ugh! I can’t pick it up.” You knew you couldn’t pick that motherfucker up when you packed all them goddamn sweaters and shit. But you ain’t give a fuck ’cause you thought some man gonna come along and… And sure enough, here come this old civil rights n*gga like… [crowd laughing, cheering] We had to grab that n*gga like, “Champ! Sit down, champ. We’ll get it. We’ll get it, champ. We’ll get it, champ.” You gotta call them old n*ggas champ to make them feel like they still got it. It’s all good, champ. You woulda got that shit up there if that bitch didn’t pack up all them sequined sweaters and shit. Those sequins get heavy when they’re in bulk like that, champ. [crowd laughing] I would not be a gentleman for you until I get to know you. Point blank. Period. ‘Cause you don’t even know what the fuck you want, as a collective. You don’t. Some women, you open the door for them, they’ll be like, “Thank you so much.” Some women be like, “I can open the door!” You’ll be like, “Bitch, go open the goddamn door!” [crowd laughing] Scaring me and shit. [crowd laughing] Gentlemen shit. Women judge men on what they’re do and don’t do for them before you even know who we are! Cold game y’all been running it for years. Gentlemen shit. Well, hell, there ain’t no gentlewomen shit to do. Name some gentlewomen shit. Right. [crowd laughing] Here’s some gentlewomen shit y’all can do. Just go to a random motherfucker and moisturize his hands. [crowd laughing] Yeah, that’ll work. N*gga talking, “Yeah, I told that n*gga last night…” [crowd laughing] “Well, that’s mighty sweet of you, Ma’am. Thank you very much.” [crowd laughing] Looking at the motherfucker, he like… “Aha!” [crowd laughing] Gentlemen shit. What?! I gotta open the door for you, pull your chair out. If it’s cold outside, I gotta take my jacket off and put it on you but I saw the weather and I knew it was 40 motherfucking degrees. [crowd laughing] So I brought a jacket. So now I gotta catch pneumonia ’cause your goofy ass won’t watch the weather. [crowd laughing] I commend all you young folks out here to taking a stance in life on all kinds of shit like Black Lives Matter. Gay, trans, bi and all that shit. [crowd clapping] [whistling in crowd] I commend y’all, man. It was instilled in our minds back in the day like, if you was gay or something like that, they’d beat your ass and shit if that shit was, if you was gay or whatever. There’s a lot of people my age right now ain’t living their truth because of the way that we was fucking raised and shit. Right now. Real shit. [crowd clapping] Wasn’t nobody gay in my class. Wasn’t nobody gay in my school. Wasn’t nobody gay in my school district. [crowd laughing] Not that I know of. Yeah, wasn’t nobody, like, hanging out like that. Man, the motherfuckers was like homophobic as fuck back in the day. I remember my mother took me to one of my uncle’s houses to stay over there for the summer. This n*gga was homophobic as fuck. Had all these rules and shit. We get over there, this motherfucker’s like, [mimicking baritone voice] “Yeah, uh, first of all, I got some rules and shit if you gonna stay here, you understand me? First of all, if you see something in my hair, you leave it there, motherfucker, alright? Don’t no man pick shit out of another man’s hair, you understand me? There’s a feather in there, you leave that motherfucking feather in there. There could be a whole bird in my shit, you leave it in there, motherfucker. If there’s something in my eye, n*gga, you fix your lips to blow on my eye, I’ll rip your motherfucking mouth off. Don’t no man blow on another man’s eye. You let that motherfucker bleed to death, you understand me? If I catch you on your tippy-toes, I’m kicking you and your nuts. If you can’t reach some shit, you get a broom or shoe trying to knock it down. If it don’t fall, it ain’t meant for you, n*gga. But I catch you on your tippy-toes, I’ll fuck you up, you understand that? You put cologne on in this house, n*gga, you spray that shit dead on your clothes. If you spray that shit in the air and walk through, n*gga, I’ll fuck you up. [crowd laughing] “N*gga, if I see this shit… [hissing] [crowd laughing] I’ll beat your ass, you understand me? And all the food you eat in this house better be solid as a rock, motherfucker. Don’t you eat shit that ooze in your mouth, motherfucker. Ain’t no Twinkies, jelly doughnuts, sunny-side up eggs, Halls Mentho-Lyptus, sucking on that Halls and it burst all in your mouth. You keep your cold, n*gga!” [crowd laughing] Look, I’m nine years old, like, [gasping] “Argh…” [crowd laughing] All I’m saying to the younger generation is, “Be patient with us, being patient with you.” Alright? [crowd clapping] ‘Cause I can only fathom what a motherfucker go through not living their truth and shit, you know. Being something that they’re not, you know. I can, I mean, I sympathize with people like that, you know. I remember one time, I read an article about me. That shit said, “Deon Cole is gay.” I was like, “What?!” It didn’t say, “Is he gay?” “Deon Cole is gay,” like they had facts on this shit. Hey, motherfucker, I ain’t never been gay, goddamn it. Closest I came to being gay was fucking a tomboy. [crowd laughing, clapping] That was my n*gga. [crowd laughing] That bitch was cold on the court, n*gga. That bitch was at a crossover… crossing over n*ggas, n*gga. Breaking n*ggas ankles out there, n*gga. I had to let her go though, ’cause every time we had sex she would put her arms under my arms and grab me and do this shit. “Look, get your arms from under my arms, bitch. “That’s some disrespectful shit.” Slide that shit under then grab me like, “Yeah, n*gga.” What the fuck is you doing? Get your arms from me. I like to take pictures of fucked up shit I see, save it on my phone and use it for lies later on. [crowd laughing, cheering] [laughs] If I had a girl and I was out all night, she be like, “Where the fuck you at?” Send her a picture of a helicopter crash. [crowd laughing] “As soon as they clean this shit up, baby, I’m on my way home.” [crowd laughing] Men out there like, [mimics] “Ha ha…” [crowd laughing] “Makes sense to me!” [laughter dies down] There, anything fucked up. Take a picture of it. You could use that shit. You see somebody fighting, film that shit. You could easily be like, “Man, that’s my boy. I gotta go help him there.” [crowd laughing] I’m telling you this shit works, n*gga. Dead animals, take a picture of them. Anything fucked up. Oh, here’s the good one. If you see an abandoned car on the side of the road take a picture of that motherfucker there. You could leave in the middle of the night on those. [crowd laughing] Yeah, you get up, get dressed at midnight. Your girl like, “Where the fuck you going?” Be like, “To get my boy a jump.” [crowd laughing] “He’d been out there for three days. I gotta go help him.” “Why is it daylight in the picture, n*gga?” [crowd laughing] “God works in mysterious ways, bitch.” [crowd laughing] How many fellas out here with a thick woman with him tonight? Make some noise. Where you at? [men whooping] [crowd laughing] Should be a few more of y’all clapping. [crowd laughing] [a voice in crowd cackling] You know I can see you, right? [crowd laughing] Let me ask one more time before I start point n*ggas out. How many in here with a thick one tonight? Make some noise. [men shouting] [whistling in crowd] Oh, okay then. Alright. Alright, then. [crowd laughing] Did you clap? Okay. I’m making sure you clapped. There we go, alright. [crowd laughing] N*gga all under the seat with it. [crowd laughing] You ever take a thick woman to the ‘hood? That shit’s stressful than a motherfucker. Them ‘hood n*ggas don’t give a fuck you’re with her, they’ll be circling that motherfucker like… [crowd laughing, clapping] [laughing continues] I’d be standing there like I don’t see none of that shit. [crowd laughing] I ain’t getting shot over this motherfucker, n*gga. Putting their dick all on her thighs shit. “You’re just gonna let them do that to me?!” “Let me take this call, I’ll be right back.” Um, I don’t think I’m where I need to be at in my career and shit, you know. I think I’m almost there but I ain’t really there and shit, you know. I can tell I’m not there because, I still got a flyer guy. [crowd laughing] I think if you still got a motherfucker making flyers for you you ain’t really where you, where you really wanna be at in life. [crowd laughing] Dave Chapelle and Chris Rock can post they’re shit, one time. “World Tour. Our latest sellout.” Me? I gotta make individual flyers for every city I go to. And try to appease to them, you know? “Hey, Memphis, I know you like barbeque. Check this slab out tonight at the Comedy Club.” [crowd laughing] Men’s some nasty motherfuckers. Oh we are. You know what we do when we go pee? Any toilet we see, we get to it. If there’s something on the inside rim of that toilet, we gotta piss it off. [crowd laughing] It’s gotta happen. It turn into a game instantly. [crowd laughing] I don’t give a fuck what it is, gum, toilet paper… It could be somebody else’s shit. We don’t care. [crowd laughing] Soon as we see it, we be like, “Oh!” [crowd laughing] We don’t move, n*gga. We froze right on that spot, pissing. When you run out of piss, you be mad as shit, like, [groaning] “No, no! Argh! [groans] Ah, I lost.” [crowd laughing] Let me go get another beer. Who in here used to be racist? [crowd laughing] N*ggas in here like, “Used to be?! [crowd laughing] Still is, n*gga!” [crowd laughing] You know what some racist shit is in hotels? Overhead showers. You ever check into a hotel, they got that motherfucker come out the ceiling down? That’s some racist shit. Yeah, they ain’t thinking about n*ggas. Nah, they’re not. They thinking about white folks. When I see shit like that, that let me know ain’t no Black people on the board over there. If there was, there’d be one n*gga like, “Hell no. This shit here coming straight from the ceiling, we n*ggas don’t want that. Water hit our hair first then the rest of us? No!” White folks like that. That make them feel like they’re in a, rainfall or some waterfall. [crowd continues laughing] Nah. N*ggas want that spout out the wall where the water descend down and we can decide how much water we want on our hair if any. If any. [crowd laughing, clapping] You go straight out the ceiling shit. Now you got motherfuckers washing up like this in that motherfucker. [crowd laughing] This white woman called me a nylph. [crowd jeering, laughing] I was like, “Bitch, I ain’t never be your neighbor.” [crowd laughing] I got no money living next door to me… [laughing] You was thinking neighbor, right, Ma’am? [crowd laughing] Excuse me, white lady, you was thinking “neighbor”? [crowd continues laughing] Would you like to answer the question or get fucked up? You wanna answer the question or get fucked up tonight, which one? You gonna answer the question? Answer! Neighbor? Alright. There we go. Appreciate that. [crowd cheering] She’s still racist too. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] [female voice in crowd laughing] You ain’t Black to me unless you got a case of water on the floor at home. [crowd laughing] That’s how I test n*ggas’ Blackness when I get to their house. I walk around with my hands behind my back. Can I see your pantry please? [crowd laughing] Or laundry room. They’re the same, I think. [crowd laughing] That case of water be dusty than a motherfucker. N*ggas never drink that water, boy. They use it as a stepladder now and shit. [crowd laughing] [Deon snickering] Listen up, white folks. [crowd murmur in laughter] If you go to a Black person’s house, and use their bathroom, and in that bathroom, you see some clean, crispy white towels hanging up… [crowd laughing] You better not touch them motherfucker. [crowd continues laughing] Them for show. [laughing continues] You use your clothes like everybody else. [crowd continues laughing] Tonight, fellas, when you go home to your girl, y’all about to get it in and get it popping and shit like that, she wanna get all the way naked, don’t let her get naked. No. This could be your wife or whoever, don’t let her get all in there. Tell her to keep them panties on, yes. Something about a pair of panties on, man, make you feel like uh, you ain’t supposed to be doing this. [crowd laughing] Like you ain’t got enough time. Yeah, tell her to keep them panties on, goddamn it. Just hook the motherfucker to the side. A nice “hookening” just… Yeah. Catch her at night while she brushing her teeth by the sink, you know, before she go to bed. That’s if y’all brush your teeth at night. [crowd laughing] Aw, don’t do that. Don’t do that. There’s a whole bunch of you goodnight hoes in here right now. [crowd laughing] Wrap your hair up, “Goodnight!” [crowd laughing] [voice whoops in the crowd] Ain’t brush shit but your edges, motherfucker. [crowd laughing] She brushing her teeth, come behind her, n*gga, smack her on that ass and shit, she be like, “What you doing?” Hook the motherfucker over here, slide in the motherfucker. Yeah. Now the elastic from them panties gonna eat that dick up on the left side. Oh yeah, it’s gonna chafe the shit out of that dick but keep going, n*gga, you a soldier, go. Go! No burn, no earn, n*gga, roll! [crowd laughing] [Deon chuckles] I got some jokes I’m gonna read for y’all real quick. [crowd laughing] Hopefully, y’all like ’em. If y’all don’t, I’ll never see y’all again and all… You ever see a big girl at Whole Foods? [crowd laughing] Anytime I do, I always go up to her and be like, “Today must be your first day.” [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] When you’re in a grocery store checkout line, whose job is it to put the grocery divider down? Is it the person that’s standing there, or the person that walks up because this is a very stressful moment. Go. [crowd laughing] The person standing there. Yeah, fuck that! Why fucking would I put the divider down and probably ain’t nobody even behind me? It should be the job of the person that walks up to put the divider down to buy their groceries. [crowd laughing, cheering] I’m in line, this white dude come behind me like, [groaning] “Ugh!” [crowd laughing] I’m like, “Wait a minute, white n*gga, I ain’t know that was my job to put that down.” Come over here stressing me out, white n*gga. [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd laughing] You ever curse when you pray? [crowd laughing] Y’all some bourgeois motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] [mimicking] “Lord, keep these hating assholes off of a bitch, God. [crowd laughing] Don’t wanna see a bitch be great, God.” [crowd laughing, cheering] You ever asked God to hurt somebody? [crowd laughing] [mimicking] “Lord, please kill my supervisor. “I’ll glorify your name forevermore. Shaloh!” [crowd laughing] You ever be wearing some pants, go home take them off? Next day, you wake up, you be like, “Shit. Didn’t nobody see that outfit?” [crowd laughing, cheering] So you put them same pants on. You just going on with your day. About an hour later, you notice a big knot in your pants, and it’s your drawers from yesterday? [crowd laughing] “My good drawers, too. I can’t throw these away.” I just push them up by my dick until I get home. [crowd laughing] White people don’t laugh at that joke ’cause they wear their shit five days any goddamn week. [crowd laughing] Why do you guys do that? [crowd laughing] [Deon clears throat] I only call white people “guys” ’cause it makes them feel comfortable and shit. Y’all n*ggas do it too at work. Put on your white voice and shit. [crowd laugh] “Hey guys, we’re going to lunch.” [crowd laughing] “You’re buying?” “Thanks, guys.” [crowd laughing, some clapping] I never call Black people “guys.” Never call n*ggas “guys.” Like, “Hey guys, wanna smoke a blunt?” [crowd laughing] [Deon sniffs] “Who the fuck you calling guys, n*gga? [crowd laughing] Get your moist ass outa here, motherfucker.” [crowd laughing] Is it racist to say, “No way, Jose”? [crowd laughing] ‘Cause that’s my shit. I love saying it. Let’s find out. Hold on. Where the Hispanic people at? Make some noise. [whooping in crowd ] Hey! I can say that shit, right? [voices in crowd] Yeah! See, this is how you learn, motherfucker. Ask questions. Yeah. Goddamn it. [a few voices in crowd laugh] Can white people say it? [voices in crowd] No! [crowd laughing] Sorry, guys. [crowd continues laughing] They’ll fuck you up. Don’t say it, guys. Refrain. Do vegan women swallow? [crowd laughing] [poof sound] [crowd continues laughing] ‘Cause it’s life so… I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. Protein? [crowd laughing] It’s protein. Men be running that game a long time. “Hey, bitch, get over here and get this protein in your life. Looking a little flimsy on that couch.” [crowd laughing] [female voice in crowd cackling] [crowd laughing unrestrained] Some more testimonial chuckles over here. [crowd laughing, cheering] Late, late, late at night, right before you go to bed, you had some nasty sex. I’m talking about nasty, like, you gotta kill this bitch after y’all done. [crowd laughing] She got secrets on you now. [crowd laughing] Nasty. I’m talking about sucking and licking and cum shots to the face and riding a man’s face raw, moustache all white, just… nasty. [crowd laughing, cheering] And right before you go to bed, do you say your prayers? [crowd laughing unrestrained] I do. [crowd laughing] I had a whole day that happened before that episode that I gotta give God the glory for. So yes, I say my prayers. [crowd laughing] I be on my knees butt-ass naked, glistening. [crowd laughing] Lips stuck together. [crowd laughing] [smacks lips] “Heavenly Father, we thank you for this wonderful day that you created, Lord. [smacks lips] Without Your grace and mercy, I don’t know where I’ll be, Lord.” [crowd continues laughing] [voice in crowd] Oh my God! [crowd continues laughing, muttering indistinctly] I was having sex with this girl and she screamed out, “Deeper!” And I said, “Tighter!” And then, [crowd laughing] and then we both sat there, depressed, [crowd continues laughing] because we knew we weren’t gonna get what we wanted. [crowd laughing and cheering] [continued cheering, whistling] [groans] Oh, man. Here’s a fun fact, pretty women are never in the way. Pretty women are never in the way. They’re not. “Oh, excuse me.” “Nah, you’re straight. You’re good.” [crowd laughing] “No, don’t worry about him. He bleeds in the neck all the goddamn time. You good. Stay where you are. That’s it.” My taste in women changed a lot, you know. The type of women I’m into right now is, lonely women. [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd whoops] Lonely. Like, lonely. [crowd continues laughing] Like, she gotta use her hanger to zip up her dresses. [crowd laughing] See how there wasn’t a lot of laughter there just then? A lot of women evaluating their lives right now. Yeah, that truth hurt, doesn’t it? Yeah, it was all fun and dandy when I was talking about the fat bitch and old fools, right? Oh yeah, they was in here, kicking it up. [crowd laughing] “Ha ha ha. Fat bitch. Ha ha ha.” [crowd laughing] Lonely bitch. [crowd laughing] You better smile. Everybody gonna know you’re the lonely bitch. [crowd laughing] Smile. Lonely. Motherfucker got a closet full of sundresses. [crowd laughing] [crowd laughing] [Deon chuckles] Hard to fuck with them zippers. [laughing] Look at all the lonely motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] I’m gonna keep talking about it until you smile. [groaning] Lonely. Bitch ain’t even got a shadow. [crowd laughing] Shadow-less bitches. That’s what I like. Lonely. Motherfucker ain’t never been in the carpool lane. [crowd laughing] “Why they going so fast over there?” You gotta know somebody to be in that lane. You will forever be in traffic. [crowd laughing] Don’t get in your emotions, this is still jokes. Stay with me, motherfucker. [crowd laughing] I like older women. Nice little vintage piece, you dig? Yeah. Gotta have a nice vintage piece in your life. Keep everything all civilized, you know what I’m talking about? Yeah. I love me a nice vintage piece. I love me a woman with more yesterdays than tomorrows. [crowd laughing] Say it again for the people on top. [crowd laughing] [yelling] I love a motherfucker with more yesterdays than tomorrows! [crowd laughter quietens] Yes, nice vintage piece, you dig? Nice nurturing motherfucker. Yes. Treat you so good, you understand why her son won’t leave. [crowd laughing] Motherfucker 38, still at home. He moved his girlfriend in. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] All her money be warm. [crowd laughing] “Go get me some bread.” [crowd laughing, cheering] Hmmm! [crowd laughing] Every time we get in her old ass car, it takes us 15 minutes to pull off. Now she gotta find the right CD to play in her book of CDs. [crowd laughing] “This ain’t it. Hand me that red book down there. This ain’t it. The one that say “nephew.” Give me that. Now where’s my Sounds of Blackness?” [crowd laughing] She always making me feel sick. Be coming to my house, “Ooh, it’s hot in here!” What you got the heat on?” “The air’s on 65.” “No, it ain’t! You must be sick! Go in there and take some Theraflu.” Three p.m. n*gga, I’m drowsy than a motherfucker. Fucking with this motherfucker on her hot flashes. [crowd laughing] Motherfucker has seven fan chains on. [crowd laughing] Everywhere we go, I gotta get this bitch a cup of crushed ice. [crowd laughing] Y’all sleep with an older woman? [whooping] Whoop! They’ll wear your ass out, boy. An older woman? Aw, n*gga, their… A hole will outlast a pole on them motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] They’ll wear your ass out, n*gga. If they don’t catch no cramp, shit. [crowd laughing, clapping] Wear your ass out. Fuck your ass into slave sleep. [crowd laughing] You ever have slave sleep, n*gga? [Deon snickering] It’s an inch from death, n*gga. You be… [crowd laughing] Cotton field sleep, n*gga, that… [crowd laughing] Older woman will fuck you to slave sleep. Now when you have sex with an older woman, they don’t be making a whole bunch of noises and shit, nah. They just give you encouragement. [crowd laughing] “Go ahead in there, baby. Go ahead. Get in there. No, go ahead. This ain’t my first rodeo. You ain’t gotta be shy. Go ahead. Push it on in there. Push it. There you go! There he is! I knew he’s show up. There he is! Go on ahead, baby. Put that back, where I had that leg. Put that back. Put it back. There you go now. Go on, big guy. Go on, get up in. There ya go. Alright now, get off them knees. Get off them knees.” [crowd continues laughing] What she want me off my knees for? [crowd laughing] I keep all my vintage women the same. I keep them all farsighted. [crowd laughing] They can see for miles and miles and miles. But when we in bed together, shoulder to shoulder, and I’m texting hella hoes… [crowd laughing] she can’t see none of that shit. And I keep my fonts real small. [crowd laughing, clapping] My screen black as night. [crowd laughing] She be trying to see, though. That motherfucker be like… [crowd continues laughing] Don’t strain your brain, bitch. You know you can’t see this shit. But when she put on them readers, [crowd laughing] them Walgreen Number Threes, [crowd laughing] the one with the chain on the back of them motherfuckers? That bitch could see through my sim card wearing them motherfuckers. Put my phone under the mattress, n*gga. [laughing] I keep a young piece too, you dig. Yeah, it’s all about balance, you know what I’m talking about. Yeah. All about balance. That’s what it is. She keep me vibrant. Keep me on my toes and shit, you know. Always show me the cool little TikTok videos and shit. We busting up together and shit. I be like, “Ha ha ha, send me that.” [crowd laughing] That make her happy when I tell her, “Send me that.” That mean the video hot. She be like, “Oh, let me send it to you.” [crowd laughing] She’d be playing me all the new music out and shit. And I be blowing her mind ’cause I tell her where all her original samples come from and songs. [crowd clapping] I be like, “You know, Curtis Mayville made that, right?” Like, “What?!” [crowd laughing] I keep all my young pieces the same too. None of them can read cursive. [crowd laughing] You know they don’t teach penmanship in college, right? It’s all typity-type type type. Yeah, they don’t know how to read cursive, motherfucker. Cursive is the new pig Latin, n*gga. [crowd laughing] They can’t read that shit. Show a young person the big S in cursive. They don’t know what it is. They’d be like, “What’s that? The infinity sign? What the fuck is that?” They don’t know. [crowd laughing] I’d be writing love letters to my vintage bitch in front of my little young piece. [crowd laughing] She don’t know what the fuck going on there. She be trying to follow my pen and shit. [crowd laughing] Mail it. [crowd laughing] Getting old is the goal. Know that getting old, is the goal. [crowd clapping, cheering] You want to be at a certain age in your life, man. You wanna get there and shit. Your 40, upper 40, your 50s and shit. You wanna be there like, it’s a sexy place to be, goddamn it. I promise you that, boy. For real. [crowd whooping, clapping] There’s a I-don’t-give-a-fuckness that just, drench your mind, body and soul. Unlike you ever been before. [crowd continues cheering] There’s a selfishness too that you love and embrace, goddamn it. You don’t care about shit. Not even your kids. [crowd laughing, clapping] You’re like, “I did the best I could do. Y’all get the fuck out.” [crowd laughing, muttering indistinctly] If you got a kid over the age of 19, you got the right to say you don’t have kids. [crowd laughing] Next time you go out, ladies, and the motherfucker like, “How many kids you got? You like, “None. What we drinking?” [crowd laughing] I be asking women. I be like, “You got any grownups?” [crowd laughing] You know, I’m old and I embrace that shit, goddamn it. This is my shit, goddamn it. I’m at that age now where as soon as I get somewhere, I’m ready to go. [crowd laughing] I don’t give a fuck how long it took me to get ready. I don’t care how long it took me to get there. I go on that bitch and spin around. [crowd laughing, clapping] Alright. [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd whooping] I used to think old people were rude. They always cut your off when you’re talking. But that ain’t the case. They just got say what they gotta say before they forget it. [crowd laughing] I do that same shit now. You could be telling me a cure for AIDS. I’ll be like this, “What?! All you go to do is… “Wait, wait, wait. They got greens on sale down the street.” [crowd laughing] “Alright. Back to AIDS. Go ahead.” [crowd laughing] I’m old, n*gga. I’ll be working out to slow music. [crowd laughing] ♪ It’s seven o’clock On the dot I’ll be in ♪
♪ My droptop cruising the streets ♪ [crowd laughing] ♪ Pretty little lady ♪ Fuck all that fast shit. It’s about to burn, n*gga. The slow burn. [crowd laughing] You know you’re old when your favorite DJ start wearing glasses. [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] Like, look at Kid Capri blind ass up there. [crowd laughing, clapping] [Deon blabbing] [crowd laughing] I can’t chew and hear at the same time. [crowd laughing] I cannot eat cornflakes and watch CNN. [crowd laughing, clapping] I will miss valuable information. I gotta stop chewing in order to hear. [crunching sounds] [mimicking crushing sounds] “Who got murdered? What the fuck they talking about?” My vintage bitch be sitting there eating oatmeal. [crowd laughing] “If you ate oatmeal, you’d know who got murdered now.” [crowd laughing] Motherfucker always got one up on me, doesn’t she? [crowd laughing] I can’t fuck on a full stomach. [crowd laughing] Too old for that shit. I ain’t doing that shit no more. “We gonna fuck before we eat. [crowd laughing] I’ma feed you. [crowd laughing] You just gotta trust me. [crowd laughing] You want me to sign something, I’ll sign something. But we’re fucking first.” [crowd laughing] I’m sick of going to eat, coming back trying to fuck all bloated and shit. Here come your big ass crawling on top of me. [breathless] And I got to breathe like this so I don’t throw up on your ass. You ever catch the ‘itus and try to fuck, n*gga, you be like… [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd] Too old! Too old to fuck with squirters. You can handle this. This grown talk we doing. I don’t fuck with that squirt shit. That shit is silly. [crowd laughing] That some young man shit. That’s silly, shit, that squirt shit is silly. [crowd laughing] You don’t even know what that shit is, do you? Well, don’t come over to my house shooting that shit all over the goddamn place. You calm that pussy down. [crowd laughing] That pussy don’t know how to act, you and that pussy get the fuck out my house. Fucking my sheets up and shit. You know long it take a n*gga my age to change sheets? [crowd laughing] I gotta put this corner on and come around here. Put this corner on then that corner to pop off then I gotta come back over. Lay on the bed and hold this part with my foot. Put this here, then I realize I put the short side on the long side of the bed. Now I gotta lift all that shit up with the pillows up and turn it around. [crowd laughing, cheering] Bitch, you squirt in my bed, I’ll sling your ass smooth out my window. [crowd laughing] Can’t cum on my back like I used to. [female voice in crowd laughs] [crowd laughing] So many testimonial cries in here tonight! [crowd laughing] Can’t cum on my back like I used to. When I was young, I lay on my back, that shit come out like a oil rig. Hey. [Deon] Hey! [crowd laughing] Ceiling fan going around, I hit every blade on that motherfucker. [crowd laughing] Not no more. Now my shit is more like a fondue machine. [crowd laughing] It just come up and over the sides. [crowd laughing, clapping] It ain’t just me. There’s some fondue n*ggas out here. Any n*gga hairline back here fondued out. Any bald head n*gga fondulicous n*gga. Women, you seen the progression of that shit from you when you was younger till now. Back in the day, yous had to run to catch that nut then, you’ll be like… [crowd laughing] Now, you just sit there and be patient. [crowd laughing] [mic reverberates] [crowd laughing] [blowing sound] Yo Brooklyn, I’m Deon Cole. [crowd cheering] [crowd cheering, whistling] I wanna tell y’all something real quick. When y’all come to these comedy shows, and specials and shit like that, man, do me a favor, y’all. Give it and then what I’m about to say, I ain’t saying this for claps, so I want you to hear me. Give the comedian’s love, y’all. ‘Cause I’m a let you know something. Comedians be some hurt motherfuckers, man. We gotta put away everything that’s bothering us in order to come make y’all happy and we not complaining. It’s part of the job. A boxer get hit, so that’s just the job and shit. But you never understand what the comic is going through. He has to constantly be doing this shit and being happy around everybody when his whole fucking world is caving the fuck in. And y’all don’t know that. That’s a lot of hurt motherfucking comics out there. Me, personally? I’m coming out here doing the special and shit but this past year was hard for me, y’all. I lost my aunty, two of my uncles, my mother’s best friend, and I lost my moms. My mom, is the only thing I have ’cause like, I’m the only child and it’s just her. I ain’t have no father and no brothers and sisters and shit. It’s just her, and I lost her. And I lost her a year to this day. She died last year this day. And I said to myself, “I want her name to ring and I want her to be out here and live through me.” [crowd cheering] But hold on. That shit devastated me and I’ve been fucked up ever since. But when I come out here and I get love from y’all, I’ll be good. But I know there’s other people out there going through the same thing, man. They told me there’s a club called the 50 Club. And motherfuckers close to 50 or at 50, we lose our parents ’cause our parents is like 70 and 80 and shit. There’s a lot of people going through the same thing I’m going through right now. I’m not normal, motherfucker, I promise you. And I’m trying to live normal every fucking day. I’m trying to find a new normal in this fucking world. But when you got people like that, and I know y’all out there, I know you lost your parents, and I’m here to tell you, man, you ain’t alone. I’m here for you as long as everybody else is too. And anybody that you see who lost their parents, you embrace them. Go try and make them still be normal as fuck, they’re not. They hurting, they crushed. And they lost. Just like me. So I dedicate this to my mother, Charleen Cole. I love you to death, Ma. And thank y’all, Brooklyn, I hope you had a wonderful time. I love you, Mommy. I miss you so much. [crowd cheering] And I thank y’all Brooklyn, man. I appreciate y’all, man. [crowd cheering] [somber music playing] [crowd continues cheering] [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd whistling] [crowd continues cheering] | [crowd cheering] What’s up, Brooklyn? How y’all feeling? [crowd cheering] Thank you all for coming out, man. I sure appreciate y’all for coming out to this special and shit, man. Good to see you. How’re y’all beautiful motherfucking faces tonight? Give it up for yourselves, thank you. [crowd cheering] I’ma tell you this much, though. These young women have been on my ass lately. I ain’t gonna even lie, look. And I know they’re young, too. Because they’re always asking me for my Instagram instead of my phone number and shit. [crowd laughing] Yeah, that’s young bitch game. [crowd laughing] “Wanna go out?” “Yeah.” “What’s your IG?” I’ll be like, “Argh, young bitch! Shit.” [crowd laughing, clapping] Could it be some old motherfucker’s asking for my Instagram, I’d be like, “Now, you know you’re too old to be asking for my Instagram. Go get a pen.” [crowd laughing] “You know better, motherfucker. Go get a pen. Old bitch keep a pen, don’t you?” [crowd laughing] All this technology, that motherfucker is still got that pen. [crowd laughing] Phone right here in her hand. [crowd laughing] I asked a woman one day, I was like, “If you see an attractive man, do you come on to him when you him?” She was like, “No.” I was like, “Really?” I was asking another woman out. I was like, “If you see an attractive guy, do you say anything to him?” She was like, “No. If he don’t say nothing to me, then it really ain’t going down.” I was like, “That’s some dumb ass shit, man. [crowd laughing] Do you know how many potential soulmates, husbands your goofy ass could have had, [crowd laughing] if you woulda just said hi, waved, winked, smiled, pointed at a motherfucker?” You even ain’t gotta look at the man directly in his eye. You can just look at his way and he’ll get it.” A woman look my way too long, I’ma be like, “I’ma go over there and put this thang on that bitch, I promise.” [crowd laughing] I mean, you and I speaking. And you women over 45, let me tell you something. You can’t afford not to speak to anybody. [crowd laughing] You need to be speaking to everybody you see. [crowd laughing] Every door you go through, you need to be like, “Hey, y’all! [crowd laughing] I’m Sheryl. I brought potato salad.” Bitch, you need to boil potato salad every goddamn door you go through, because time ain’t on your side. [crowd continues laughing] Don’t be mad at me. This’s God talking to you right now. [crowd laughing] I’m just a vessel. [crowd laughing] Damn, older women know that. See, you gotta understand, like, woman 50, 55 and up, they understand you know that the older you get, and everybody knows this, men and women, the older you get, you know, time becomes the new currency. It really does. Money, I’ma make that. I’ma get that. But my time, you fuck over my time, motherfucker, we’re gonna have a problem because I can’t get that back. [crowd laughing, cheering] Goddamn it! [voice in crowd whoops] [crowd clapping] Motherfucker take me to a fucked up movie, I’ll be like, “Bitch, I’ma need two hours about you.” [crowd laughing] Goddamn it. Older women know that, though. They move as such too. See, they don’t ride with a whole bunch of women and shit. Like when they go out, they don’t ride with a whole bunch of women and shit because it’s too time-consuming, you know. Waiting on three bitches to get ready, you’ll miss the show and shit. [crowd laughing] Going out to eat, one bitch want taco, one want a hotdog, one want a pizza… you’ll starve fucking with these hoes. Old bitch will be like, “No, just send me that address. I’ll meet you out there.” [crowd laughing] “No, I’ma meet you all there. Ain’t you gonna be drinking and driving?” “Yes I am, bitch.” [crowd laughing, cheering] Bitch ready to catch a DUI than fuck with you, ho! That’s how serious this is. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] Plus they drive by themselves just in case it goes down that night. They can dip off without a whole bunch of judgement and shit. Yeah. [voice in crowd] Yeah! Without a whole bunch of motherfuckers in their business and shit. “Text me when you get in.” “Nah, I’ll be alright, bitch. I don’t need to text you.” [crowd laughing] “I’m 50 for a reason, ho. I’ve made it this far. I’ma be alright. I don’t need to start texting bitches, letting them know I’m leaving.” [crowd laughing] Yeah. [Deon laughing] Older women, lemme ask you something. If you ever have be at a party, and you see a young girl there and that motherfucker be dropping that motherfucker down to the ground, do you be jealous of her knees? [crowd laughing] Yes you do, bitch. Yes you do. [crowd laughing] Young bitch sweeping the floor with her ass. You can’t go no lower than this. All your shit gotta be super-sexy up here. [crowd laughing] Bust out Tina Turner shit all there. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughs] And upgrade your sex toys, goddamn it! Some of y’all sex toys are older than your kids. [crowd laughing] Got that same rabbit tongue… [Deon hisses] wand… bullet… It ain’t even a bullet no more. It’s a slingshot, shit. [crowd laughing] Upgrade your shit. There’s some new shit out there right now called, Tracy’s Dog. [woman in crowd screams] [crowd laughing, cheering] [voice in crowd] Our little testimonial holler is right there. [crowd laughing] Shando! Let them use you, sister! Go ahead. [Deon laughs] Tracy’s Dog, this motherfucker is serious, you hear me? It’s only 50 motherfucking dollars, y’all. My son’s mother, she said, “I can’t keep that motherfucker in the house because I ain’t getting any shit done with it in there, alright? Can’t get shit done with that motherfucker in there. This motherfucker is 50 fucking dollars, you hear me?” And this is like this U-shaped device, right? This part goes in, it’s vibrating and it curves around to the top. And on top, there’s this sucking mechanism that goes right on the clit. All it does is just sucks. [Deon hissing] [crowd laughing] Ten speeds of sucking on this motherfucker. This bitch will collapse your forehead, I promise you. [crowd laughing, cheering] It’s serious. Now go ahead. Put it in your phone. Go ahead. No, go ahead before you forget it and shit. Put it in your god… Don’t worry about who’s looking at you. Put it in your phone. [crowd laughing] You old women, put it… you know your mind ain’t… doing like it used to be. Go ahead, put it in your phone before you forget it. Sitting there trying to remember that shit. “Ha ha ha, he’s so silly. [crowd laughing] Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog…” [crowd laughing] “Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog… “Okay, I know a bitch, she’s named Tracy. She got a dog. Tracy’s dog. [crowd laughing] You know, Tracy’s… Tracy’s dog.” [crowd laughing] You out there with your man. Your man’s like, “You don’t need that shit.” “You’re right, Daddy.” “Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog…” [crowd laughing] [crowd clapping] [indistinct chattering in crowd] Older men change too. It ain’t just women. Men change too. We get old and shit. Like, we can’t fuck the same. No, not at all. The older we get, now, we can’t fuck the same. Shit, sometimes, n*ggas don’t even be thinking about fucking like that, though. For real, though. Just imagine doing this for 50 years. Just… [crowd laughing] 50 years, just… Picking up all different sizes of bitches. 50 fucking years, just… [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] N*ggas get tired of that shit! 50 years of that shit, no. N*ggas can’t be thinking about fucking all the time. Not successful men. No. Successful older men won’t be thinking about fucking. We’ll be having other shit on our minds like taxes and, “When are the kids moving out?” Payroll… Motherfuckers depend on us. We got payroll. We ain’t got time to be cuddling with your ass all the goddamn time. And then we are cuddling with you, we ain’t thinking about you. [crowd laughing] You know what we’re thinking about? When I’m gonna get the feeling back in my goddamn arm? [crowd laughing] From your big ass laying on it for two hours. If I wanna grab a titty, I can’t feel it. [crowd laughing] Got no time to be cuddling with you, motherfucker I got payroll in the morning. “Grab that goddamn pen and help me crunch these numbers, bitch.” This is what older successful men do when it comes to our wives, girlfriends, fiancées and shit. We fuck to keep you. That’s the realest shit you gonna hear. “Not my man.” Especially your man, bitch. [crowd laughing] Whoever the fuck just thought that. We fuck to keep you and that’s it. Your man could be sitting on the couch at home, one sock on, one sock off… [crowd laughing] Holes all in his underwear… Parliament Funkadelic t-shirt… He just ate three sandwiches. You can tell from the bread crust on his plate. Grabbing his plate, going to the kitchen and making a fourth sandwich. [crowd laughing] And you come down the steps looking good to the motherfucker, he’s like, “Where are you going?” [crowd laughing] “I told you it was April’s birthday. We’re going out.” “We’re gonna get something to eat, and after we get something to eat, we’ll go get some drinks, so… you ain’t gotta wait up.” [crowd laughing] “Let me put a little dick in you before you get on outta here.” [crowd laughing, cheering] He didn’t want to fuck. He had to fuck. [crowd laughing] Looking too good. You gotta put that dick in there. You ain’t even thinking about no pussy. He was going to make another sandwich. [crowd laughing] Wasn’t thinking about no goddamn pussy. You gotta put that dick in her before she go out. Man, before somebody else offer her some dick. See, one thing a lot of women don’t do, they don’t do two dicks in one day. That kinda fucks with their psyche and shit. [crowd laughing] Yeah. They don’t do two in one day. So you gotta be the first one in there. [crowd laughing] You gotta get in there first. If she goes out and another n*gga offers some dick, she’s gonna be like, “Oh! [crowd laughing] Damn, why did I let that other n*gga fuck me earlier?! Should have listened to my spirit.” [crowd laughing] Fellas, your girl ever come home from out kicking it all night and she goes straight to bed and you’ll be like this, “Hey, baby. I’ve been up waiting on you and shit. I know you had a good time tonight but come on. Hey, I know you’re ready.” She’ll be like, “Look, just let me go to sleep, please.” [crowd laughing] If that happened, you’re number two. [crowd laughing] See how the laughter died down? [crowd laughing] Men, in here like, “Ha ha ha… That bitch did that shit Thursday night.” [crowd laughing] There’s a certain age, a man should be where he should no longer be considered a gentleman. Like a motherfucker being 80 years old… He shouldn’t be considered a gentleman, you shouldn’t even look at him to be a gentleman. Motherfucker’s 80. But women don’t give a fuck. As long as somebody’s doing something for your monkey ass, that’s all you care about. [crowd laughing] [woman in crowd] That’s damn true. I’m at the airport and shit, this little young chick she gets to the door, she waiting on somebody to open it, I’m about 30 feet away, I’m like, “N*gga, I ain’t about to go over there and open that door.” But here comes this old teskyer man n*gga like, [crowd laughing] Young bitch go through the door, the door slid his ass on. Like, “You seen I’m struggling, bitch.” [crowd laughing] This woman gets on the plane with her luggage and shit. She like, [groaning] “Ugh! I can’t pick it up.” You knew you couldn’t pick that motherfucker up when you packed all them goddamn sweaters and shit. But you ain’t give a fuck ’cause you thought some man gonna come along and… And sure enough, here come this old civil rights n*gga like… [crowd laughing, cheering] We had to grab that n*gga like, “Champ! Sit down, champ. We’ll get it. We’ll get it, champ. We’ll get it, champ.” You gotta call them old n*ggas champ to make them feel like they still got it. It’s all good, champ. You woulda got that shit up there if that bitch didn’t pack up all them sequined sweaters and shit. Those sequins get heavy when they’re in bulk like that, champ. [crowd laughing] I would not be a gentleman for you until I get to know you. Point blank. Period. ‘Cause you don’t even know what the fuck you want, as a collective. You don’t. Some women, you open the door for them, they’ll be like, “Thank you so much.” Some women be like, “I can open the door!” You’ll be like, “Bitch, go open the goddamn door!” [crowd laughing] Scaring me and shit. [crowd laughing] Gentlemen shit. Women judge men on what they’re do and don’t do for them before you even know who we are! Cold game y’all been running it for years. Gentlemen shit. Well, hell, there ain’t no gentlewomen shit to do. Name some gentlewomen shit. Right. [crowd laughing] Here’s some gentlewomen shit y’all can do. Just go to a random motherfucker and moisturize his hands. [crowd laughing] Yeah, that’ll work. N*gga talking, “Yeah, I told that n*gga last night…” [crowd laughing] “Well, that’s mighty sweet of you, Ma’am. Thank you very much.” [crowd laughing] Looking at the motherfucker, he like… “Aha!” [crowd laughing] Gentlemen shit. What?! I gotta open the door for you, pull your chair out. If it’s cold outside, I gotta take my jacket off and put it on you but I saw the weather and I knew it was 40 motherfucking degrees. [crowd laughing] So I brought a jacket. So now I gotta catch pneumonia ’cause your goofy ass won’t watch the weather. [crowd laughing] I commend all you young folks out here to taking a stance in life on all kinds of shit like Black Lives Matter. Gay, trans, bi and all that shit. [crowd clapping] [whistling in crowd] I commend y’all, man. It was instilled in our minds back in the day like, if you was gay or something like that, they’d beat your ass and shit if that shit was, if you was gay or whatever. There’s a lot of people my age right now ain’t living their truth because of the way that we was fucking raised and shit. Right now. Real shit. [crowd clapping] Wasn’t nobody gay in my class. Wasn’t nobody gay in my school. Wasn’t nobody gay in my school district. [crowd laughing] Not that I know of. Yeah, wasn’t nobody, like, hanging out like that. Man, the motherfuckers was like homophobic as fuck back in the day. I remember my mother took me to one of my uncle’s houses to stay over there for the summer. This n*gga was homophobic as fuck. Had all these rules and shit. We get over there, this motherfucker’s like, [mimicking baritone voice] “Yeah, uh, first of all, I got some rules and shit if you gonna stay here, you understand me? First of all, if you see something in my hair, you leave it there, motherfucker, alright? Don’t no man pick shit out of another man’s hair, you understand me? There’s a feather in there, you leave that motherfucking feather in there. There could be a whole bird in my shit, you leave it in there, motherfucker. If there’s something in my eye, n*gga, you fix your lips to blow on my eye, I’ll rip your motherfucking mouth off. Don’t no man blow on another man’s eye. You let that motherfucker bleed to death, you understand me? If I catch you on your tippy-toes, I’m kicking you and your nuts. If you can’t reach some shit, you get a broom or shoe trying to knock it down. If it don’t fall, it ain’t meant for you, n*gga. But I catch you on your tippy-toes, I’ll fuck you up, you understand that? You put cologne on in this house, n*gga, you spray that shit dead on your clothes. If you spray that shit in the air and walk through, n*gga, I’ll fuck you up. [crowd laughing] “N*gga, if I see this shit… [hissing] [crowd laughing] I’ll beat your ass, you understand me? And all the food you eat in this house better be solid as a rock, motherfucker. Don’t you eat shit that ooze in your mouth, motherfucker. Ain’t no Twinkies, jelly doughnuts, sunny-side up eggs, Halls Mentho-Lyptus, sucking on that Halls and it burst all in your mouth. You keep your cold, n*gga!” [crowd laughing] Look, I’m nine years old, like, [gasping] “Argh…” [crowd laughing] All I’m saying to the younger generation is, “Be patient with us, being patient with you.” Alright? [crowd clapping] ‘Cause I can only fathom what a motherfucker go through not living their truth and shit, you know. Being something that they’re not, you know. I can, I mean, I sympathize with people like that, you know. I remember one time, I read an article about me. That shit said, “Deon Cole is gay.” I was like, “What?!” It didn’t say, “Is he gay?” “Deon Cole is gay,” like they had facts on this shit. Hey, motherfucker, I ain’t never been gay, goddamn it. Closest I came to being gay was fucking a tomboy. [crowd laughing, clapping] That was my n*gga. [crowd laughing] That bitch was cold on the court, n*gga. That bitch was at a crossover… crossing over n*ggas, n*gga. Breaking n*ggas ankles out there, n*gga. I had to let her go though, ’cause every time we had sex she would put her arms under my arms and grab me and do this shit. “Look, get your arms from under my arms, bitch. “That’s some disrespectful shit.” Slide that shit under then grab me like, “Yeah, n*gga.” What the fuck is you doing? Get your arms from me. I like to take pictures of fucked up shit I see, save it on my phone and use it for lies later on. [crowd laughing, cheering] [laughs] If I had a girl and I was out all night, she be like, “Where the fuck you at?” Send her a picture of a helicopter crash. [crowd laughing] “As soon as they clean this shit up, baby, I’m on my way home.” [crowd laughing] Men out there like, [mimics] “Ha ha…” [crowd laughing] “Makes sense to me!” [laughter dies down] There, anything fucked up. Take a picture of it. You could use that shit. You see somebody fighting, film that shit. You could easily be like, “Man, that’s my boy. I gotta go help him there.” [crowd laughing] I’m telling you this shit works, n*gga. Dead animals, take a picture of them. Anything fucked up. Oh, here’s the good one. If you see an abandoned car on the side of the road take a picture of that motherfucker there. You could leave in the middle of the night on those. [crowd laughing] Yeah, you get up, get dressed at midnight. Your girl like, “Where the fuck you going?” Be like, “To get my boy a jump.” [crowd laughing] “He’d been out there for three days. I gotta go help him.” “Why is it daylight in the picture, n*gga?” [crowd laughing] “God works in mysterious ways, bitch.” [crowd laughing] How many fellas out here with a thick woman with him tonight? Make some noise. Where you at? [men whooping] [crowd laughing] Should be a few more of y’all clapping. [crowd laughing] [a voice in crowd cackling] You know I can see you, right? [crowd laughing] Let me ask one more time before I start point n*ggas out. How many in here with a thick one tonight? Make some noise. [men shouting] [whistling in crowd] Oh, okay then. Alright. Alright, then. [crowd laughing] Did you clap? Okay. I’m making sure you clapped. There we go, alright. [crowd laughing] N*gga all under the seat with it. [crowd laughing] You ever take a thick woman to the ‘hood? That shit’s stressful than a motherfucker. Them ‘hood n*ggas don’t give a fuck you’re with her, they’ll be circling that motherfucker like… [crowd laughing, clapping] [laughing continues] I’d be standing there like I don’t see none of that shit. [crowd laughing] I ain’t getting shot over this motherfucker, n*gga. Putting their dick all on her thighs shit. “You’re just gonna let them do that to me?!” “Let me take this call, I’ll be right back.” Um, I don’t think I’m where I need to be at in my career and shit, you know. I think I’m almost there but I ain’t really there and shit, you know. I can tell I’m not there because, I still got a flyer guy. [crowd laughing] I think if you still got a motherfucker making flyers for you you ain’t really where you, where you really wanna be at in life. [crowd laughing] Dave Chapelle and Chris Rock can post they’re shit, one time. “World Tour. Our latest sellout.” Me? I gotta make individual flyers for every city I go to. And try to appease to them, you know? “Hey, Memphis, I know you like barbeque. Check this slab out tonight at the Comedy Club.” [crowd laughing] Men’s some nasty motherfuckers. Oh we are. You know what we do when we go pee? Any toilet we see, we get to it. If there’s something on the inside rim of that toilet, we gotta piss it off. [crowd laughing] It’s gotta happen. It turn into a game instantly. [crowd laughing] I don’t give a fuck what it is, gum, toilet paper… It could be somebody else’s shit. We don’t care. [crowd laughing] Soon as we see it, we be like, “Oh!” [crowd laughing] We don’t move, n*gga. We froze right on that spot, pissing. When you run out of piss, you be mad as shit, like, [groaning] “No, no! Argh! [groans] Ah, I lost.” [crowd laughing] Let me go get another beer. Who in here used to be racist? [crowd laughing] N*ggas in here like, “Used to be?! [crowd laughing] Still is, n*gga!” [crowd laughing] You know what some racist shit is in hotels? Overhead showers. You ever check into a hotel, they got that motherfucker come out the ceiling down? That’s some racist shit. Yeah, they ain’t thinking about n*ggas. Nah, they’re not. They thinking about white folks. When I see shit like that, that let me know ain’t no Black people on the board over there. If there was, there’d be one n*gga like, “Hell no. This shit here coming straight from the ceiling, we n*ggas don’t want that. Water hit our hair first then the rest of us? No!” White folks like that. That make them feel like they’re in a, rainfall or some waterfall. [crowd continues laughing] Nah. N*ggas want that spout out the wall where the water descend down and we can decide how much water we want on our hair if any. If any. [crowd laughing, clapping] You go straight out the ceiling shit. Now you got motherfuckers washing up like this in that motherfucker. [crowd laughing] This white woman called me a nylph. [crowd jeering, laughing] I was like, “Bitch, I ain’t never be your neighbor.” [crowd laughing] I got no money living next door to me… [laughing] You was thinking neighbor, right, Ma’am? [crowd laughing] Excuse me, white lady, you was thinking “neighbor”? [crowd continues laughing] Would you like to answer the question or get fucked up? You wanna answer the question or get fucked up tonight, which one? You gonna answer the question? Answer! Neighbor? Alright. There we go. Appreciate that. [crowd cheering] She’s still racist too. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] [female voice in crowd laughing] You ain’t Black to me unless you got a case of water on the floor at home. [crowd laughing] That’s how I test n*ggas’ Blackness when I get to their house. I walk around with my hands behind my back. Can I see your pantry please? [crowd laughing] Or laundry room. They’re the same, I think. [crowd laughing] That case of water be dusty than a motherfucker. N*ggas never drink that water, boy. They use it as a stepladder now and shit. [crowd laughing] [Deon snickering] Listen up, white folks. [crowd murmur in laughter] If you go to a Black person’s house, and use their bathroom, and in that bathroom, you see some clean, crispy white towels hanging up… [crowd laughing] You better not touch them motherfucker. [crowd continues laughing] Them for show. [laughing continues] You use your clothes like everybody else. [crowd continues laughing] Tonight, fellas, when you go home to your girl, y’all about to get it in and get it popping and shit like that, she wanna get all the way naked, don’t let her get naked. No. This could be your wife or whoever, don’t let her get all in there. Tell her to keep them panties on, yes. Something about a pair of panties on, man, make you feel like uh, you ain’t supposed to be doing this. [crowd laughing] Like you ain’t got enough time. Yeah, tell her to keep them panties on, goddamn it. Just hook the motherfucker to the side. A nice “hookening” just… Yeah. Catch her at night while she brushing her teeth by the sink, you know, before she go to bed. That’s if y’all brush your teeth at night. [crowd laughing] Aw, don’t do that. Don’t do that. There’s a whole bunch of you goodnight hoes in here right now. [crowd laughing] Wrap your hair up, “Goodnight!” [crowd laughing] [voice whoops in the crowd] Ain’t brush shit but your edges, motherfucker. [crowd laughing] She brushing her teeth, come behind her, n*gga, smack her on that ass and shit, she be like, “What you doing?” Hook the motherfucker over here, slide in the motherfucker. Yeah. Now the elastic from them panties gonna eat that dick up on the left side. Oh yeah, it’s gonna chafe the shit out of that dick but keep going, n*gga, you a soldier, go. Go! No burn, no earn, n*gga, roll! [crowd laughing] [Deon chuckles] I got some jokes I’m gonna read for y’all real quick. [crowd laughing] Hopefully, y’all like ’em. If y’all don’t, I’ll never see y’all again and all… You ever see a big girl at Whole Foods? [crowd laughing] Anytime I do, I always go up to her and be like, “Today must be your first day.” [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] When you’re in a grocery store checkout line, whose job is it to put the grocery divider down? Is it the person that’s standing there, or the person that walks up because this is a very stressful moment. Go. [crowd laughing] The person standing there. Yeah, fuck that! Why fucking would I put the divider down and probably ain’t nobody even behind me? It should be the job of the person that walks up to put the divider down to buy their groceries. [crowd laughing, cheering] I’m in line, this white dude come behind me like, [groaning] “Ugh!” [crowd laughing] I’m like, “Wait a minute, white n*gga, I ain’t know that was my job to put that down.” Come over here stressing me out, white n*gga. [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd laughing] You ever curse when you pray? [crowd laughing] Y’all some bourgeois motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] [mimicking] “Lord, keep these hating assholes off of a bitch, God. [crowd laughing] Don’t wanna see a bitch be great, God.” [crowd laughing, cheering] You ever asked God to hurt somebody? [crowd laughing] [mimicking] “Lord, please kill my supervisor. “I’ll glorify your name forevermore. Shaloh!” [crowd laughing] You ever be wearing some pants, go home take them off? Next day, you wake up, you be like, “Shit. Didn’t nobody see that outfit?” [crowd laughing, cheering] So you put them same pants on. You just going on with your day. About an hour later, you notice a big knot in your pants, and it’s your drawers from yesterday? [crowd laughing] “My good drawers, too. I can’t throw these away.” I just push them up by my dick until I get home. [crowd laughing] White people don’t laugh at that joke ’cause they wear their shit five days any goddamn week. [crowd laughing] Why do you guys do that? [crowd laughing] [Deon clears throat] I only call white people “guys” ’cause it makes them feel comfortable and shit. Y’all n*ggas do it too at work. Put on your white voice and shit. [crowd laugh] “Hey guys, we’re going to lunch.” [crowd laughing] “You’re buying?” “Thanks, guys.” [crowd laughing, some clapping] I never call Black people “guys.” Never call n*ggas “guys.” Like, “Hey guys, wanna smoke a blunt?” [crowd laughing] [Deon sniffs] “Who the fuck you calling guys, n*gga? [crowd laughing] Get your moist ass outa here, motherfucker.” [crowd laughing] Is it racist to say, “No way, Jose”? [crowd laughing] ‘Cause that’s my shit. I love saying it. Let’s find out. Hold on. Where the Hispanic people at? Make some noise. [whooping in crowd ] Hey! I can say that shit, right? [voices in crowd] Yeah! See, this is how you learn, motherfucker. Ask questions. Yeah. Goddamn it. [a few voices in crowd laugh] Can white people say it? [voices in crowd] No! [crowd laughing] Sorry, guys. [crowd continues laughing] They’ll fuck you up. Don’t say it, guys. Refrain. Do vegan women swallow? [crowd laughing] [poof sound] [crowd continues laughing] ‘Cause it’s life so… I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. Protein? [crowd laughing] It’s protein. Men be running that game a long time. “Hey, bitch, get over here and get this protein in your life. Looking a little flimsy on that couch.” [crowd laughing] [female voice in crowd cackling] [crowd laughing unrestrained] Some more testimonial chuckles over here. [crowd laughing, cheering] Late, late, late at night, right before you go to bed, you had some nasty sex. I’m talking about nasty, like, you gotta kill this bitch after y’all done. [crowd laughing] She got secrets on you now. [crowd laughing] Nasty. I’m talking about sucking and licking and cum shots to the face and riding a man’s face raw, moustache all white, just… nasty. [crowd laughing, cheering] And right before you go to bed, do you say your prayers? [crowd laughing unrestrained] I do. [crowd laughing] I had a whole day that happened before that episode that I gotta give God the glory for. So yes, I say my prayers. [crowd laughing] I be on my knees butt-ass naked, glistening. [crowd laughing] Lips stuck together. [crowd laughing] [smacks lips] “Heavenly Father, we thank you for this wonderful day that you created, Lord. [smacks lips] Without Your grace and mercy, I don’t know where I’ll be, Lord.” [crowd continues laughing] [voice in crowd] Oh my God! [crowd continues laughing, muttering indistinctly] I was having sex with this girl and she screamed out, “Deeper!” And I said, “Tighter!” And then, [crowd laughing] and then we both sat there, depressed, [crowd continues laughing] because we knew we weren’t gonna get what we wanted. [crowd laughing and cheering] [continued cheering, whistling] [groans] Oh, man. Here’s a fun fact, pretty women are never in the way. Pretty women are never in the way. They’re not. “Oh, excuse me.” “Nah, you’re straight. You’re good.” [crowd laughing] “No, don’t worry about him. He bleeds in the neck all the goddamn time. You good. Stay where you are. That’s it.” My taste in women changed a lot, you know. The type of women I’m into right now is, lonely women. [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd whoops] Lonely. Like, lonely. [crowd continues laughing] Like, she gotta use her hanger to zip up her dresses. [crowd laughing] See how there wasn’t a lot of laughter there just then? A lot of women evaluating their lives right now. Yeah, that truth hurt, doesn’t it? Yeah, it was all fun and dandy when I was talking about the fat bitch and old fools, right? Oh yeah, they was in here, kicking it up. [crowd laughing] “Ha ha ha. Fat bitch. Ha ha ha.” [crowd laughing] Lonely bitch. [crowd laughing] You better smile. Everybody gonna know you’re the lonely bitch. [crowd laughing] Smile. Lonely. Motherfucker got a closet full of sundresses. [crowd laughing] [crowd laughing] [Deon chuckles] Hard to fuck with them zippers. [laughing] Look at all the lonely motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] I’m gonna keep talking about it until you smile. [groaning] Lonely. Bitch ain’t even got a shadow. [crowd laughing] Shadow-less bitches. That’s what I like. Lonely. Motherfucker ain’t never been in the carpool lane. [crowd laughing] “Why they going so fast over there?” You gotta know somebody to be in that lane. You will forever be in traffic. [crowd laughing] Don’t get in your emotions, this is still jokes. Stay with me, motherfucker. [crowd laughing] I like older women. Nice little vintage piece, you dig? Yeah. Gotta have a nice vintage piece in your life. Keep everything all civilized, you know what I’m talking about? Yeah. I love me a nice vintage piece. I love me a woman with more yesterdays than tomorrows. [crowd laughing] Say it again for the people on top. [crowd laughing] [yelling] I love a motherfucker with more yesterdays than tomorrows! [crowd laughter quietens] Yes, nice vintage piece, you dig? Nice nurturing motherfucker. Yes. Treat you so good, you understand why her son won’t leave. [crowd laughing] Motherfucker 38, still at home. He moved his girlfriend in. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] All her money be warm. [crowd laughing] “Go get me some bread.” [crowd laughing, cheering] Hmmm! [crowd laughing] Every time we get in her old ass car, it takes us 15 minutes to pull off. Now she gotta find the right CD to play in her book of CDs. [crowd laughing] “This ain’t it. Hand me that red book down there. This ain’t it. The one that say “nephew.” Give me that. Now where’s my Sounds of Blackness?” [crowd laughing] She always making me feel sick. Be coming to my house, “Ooh, it’s hot in here!” What you got the heat on?” “The air’s on 65.” “No, it ain’t! You must be sick! Go in there and take some Theraflu.” Three p.m. n*gga, I’m drowsy than a motherfucker. Fucking with this motherfucker on her hot flashes. [crowd laughing] Motherfucker has seven fan chains on. [crowd laughing] Everywhere we go, I gotta get this bitch a cup of crushed ice. [crowd laughing] Y’all sleep with an older woman? [whooping] Whoop! They’ll wear your ass out, boy. An older woman? Aw, n*gga, their… A hole will outlast a pole on them motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] They’ll wear your ass out, n*gga. If they don’t catch no cramp, shit. [crowd laughing, clapping] Wear your ass out. Fuck your ass into slave sleep. [crowd laughing] You ever have slave sleep, n*gga? [Deon snickering] It’s an inch from death, n*gga. You be… [crowd laughing] Cotton field sleep, n*gga, that… [crowd laughing] Older woman will fuck you to slave sleep. Now when you have sex with an older woman, they don’t be making a whole bunch of noises and shit, nah. They just give you encouragement. [crowd laughing] “Go ahead in there, baby. Go ahead. Get in there. No, go ahead. This ain’t my first rodeo. You ain’t gotta be shy. Go ahead. Push it on in there. Push it. There you go! There he is! I knew he’s show up. There he is! Go on ahead, baby. Put that back, where I had that leg. Put that back. Put it back. There you go now. Go on, big guy. Go on, get up in. There ya go. Alright now, get off them knees. Get off them knees.” [crowd continues laughing] What she want me off my knees for? [crowd laughing] I keep all my vintage women the same. I keep them all farsighted. [crowd laughing] They can see for miles and miles and miles. But when we in bed together, shoulder to shoulder, and I’m texting hella hoes… [crowd laughing] she can’t see none of that shit. And I keep my fonts real small. [crowd laughing, clapping] My screen black as night. [crowd laughing] She be trying to see, though. That motherfucker be like… [crowd continues laughing] Don’t strain your brain, bitch. You know you can’t see this shit. But when she put on them readers, [crowd laughing] them Walgreen Number Threes, [crowd laughing] the one with the chain on the back of them motherfuckers? That bitch could see through my sim card wearing them motherfuckers. Put my phone under the mattress, n*gga. [laughing] I keep a young piece too, you dig. Yeah, it’s all about balance, you know what I’m talking about. Yeah. All about balance. That’s what it is. She keep me vibrant. Keep me on my toes and shit, you know. Always show me the cool little TikTok videos and shit. We busting up together and shit. I be like, “Ha ha ha, send me that.” [crowd laughing] That make her happy when I tell her, “Send me that.” That mean the video hot. She be like, “Oh, let me send it to you.” [crowd laughing] She’d be playing me all the new music out and shit. And I be blowing her mind ’cause I tell her where all her original samples come from and songs. [crowd clapping] I be like, “You know, Curtis Mayville made that, right?” Like, “What?!” [crowd laughing] I keep all my young pieces the same too. None of them can read cursive. [crowd laughing] You know they don’t teach penmanship in college, right? It’s all typity-type type type. Yeah, they don’t know how to read cursive, motherfucker. Cursive is the new pig Latin, n*gga. [crowd laughing] They can’t read that shit. Show a young person the big S in cursive. They don’t know what it is. They’d be like, “What’s that? The infinity sign? What the fuck is that?” They don’t know. [crowd laughing] I’d be writing love letters to my vintage bitch in front of my little young piece. [crowd laughing] She don’t know what the fuck going on there. She be trying to follow my pen and shit. [crowd laughing] Mail it. [crowd laughing] Getting old is the goal. Know that getting old, is the goal. [crowd clapping, cheering] You want to be at a certain age in your life, man. You wanna get there and shit. Your 40, upper 40, your 50s and shit. You wanna be there like, it’s a sexy place to be, goddamn it. I promise you that, boy. For real. [crowd whooping, clapping] There’s a I-don’t-give-a-fuckness that just, drench your mind, body and soul. Unlike you ever been before. [crowd continues cheering] There’s a selfishness too that you love and embrace, goddamn it. You don’t care about shit. Not even your kids. [crowd laughing, clapping] You’re like, “I did the best I could do. Y’all get the fuck out.” [crowd laughing, muttering indistinctly] If you got a kid over the age of 19, you got the right to say you don’t have kids. [crowd laughing] Next time you go out, ladies, and the motherfucker like, “How many kids you got? You like, “None. What we drinking?” [crowd laughing] I be asking women. I be like, “You got any grownups?” [crowd laughing] You know, I’m old and I embrace that shit, goddamn it. This is my shit, goddamn it. I’m at that age now where as soon as I get somewhere, I’m ready to go. [crowd laughing] I don’t give a fuck how long it took me to get ready. I don’t care how long it took me to get there. I go on that bitch and spin around. [crowd laughing, clapping] Alright. [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd whooping] I used to think old people were rude. They always cut your off when you’re talking. But that ain’t the case. They just got say what they gotta say before they forget it. [crowd laughing] I do that same shit now. You could be telling me a cure for AIDS. I’ll be like this, “What?! All you go to do is… “Wait, wait, wait. They got greens on sale down the street.” [crowd laughing] “Alright. Back to AIDS. Go ahead.” [crowd laughing] I’m old, n*gga. I’ll be working out to slow music. [crowd laughing] ♪ It’s seven o’clock On the dot I’ll be in ♪ ♪ My droptop cruising the streets ♪ [crowd laughing] ♪ Pretty little lady ♪ Fuck all that fast shit. It’s about to burn, n*gga. The slow burn. [crowd laughing] You know you’re old when your favorite DJ start wearing glasses. [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] Like, look at Kid Capri blind ass up there. [crowd laughing, clapping] [Deon blabbing] [crowd laughing] I can’t chew and hear at the same time. [crowd laughing] I cannot eat cornflakes and watch CNN. [crowd laughing, clapping] I will miss valuable information. I gotta stop chewing in order to hear. [crunching sounds] [mimicking crushing sounds] “Who got murdered? What the fuck they talking about?” My vintage bitch be sitting there eating oatmeal. [crowd laughing] “If you ate oatmeal, you’d know who got murdered now.” [crowd laughing] Motherfucker always got one up on me, doesn’t she? [crowd laughing] I can’t fuck on a full stomach. [crowd laughing] Too old for that shit. I ain’t doing that shit no more. “We gonna fuck before we eat. [crowd laughing] I’ma feed you. [crowd laughing] You just gotta trust me. [crowd laughing] You want me to sign something, I’ll sign something. But we’re fucking first.” [crowd laughing] I’m sick of going to eat, coming back trying to fuck all bloated and shit. Here come your big ass crawling on top of me. [breathless] And I got to breathe like this so I don’t throw up on your ass. You ever catch the ‘itus and try to fuck, n*gga, you be like… [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd] Too old! Too old to fuck with squirters. You can handle this. This grown talk we doing. I don’t fuck with that squirt shit. That shit is silly. [crowd laughing] That some young man shit. That’s silly, shit, that squirt shit is silly. [crowd laughing] You don’t even know what that shit is, do you? Well, don’t come over to my house shooting that shit all over the goddamn place. You calm that pussy down. [crowd laughing] That pussy don’t know how to act, you and that pussy get the fuck out my house. Fucking my sheets up and shit. You know long it take a n*gga my age to change sheets? [crowd laughing] I gotta put this corner on and come around here. Put this corner on then that corner to pop off then I gotta come back over. Lay on the bed and hold this part with my foot. Put this here, then I realize I put the short side on the long side of the bed. Now I gotta lift all that shit up with the pillows up and turn it around. [crowd laughing, cheering] Bitch, you squirt in my bed, I’ll sling your ass smooth out my window. [crowd laughing] Can’t cum on my back like I used to. [female voice in crowd laughs] [crowd laughing] So many testimonial cries in here tonight! [crowd laughing] Can’t cum on my back like I used to. When I was young, I lay on my back, that shit come out like a oil rig. Hey. [Deon] Hey! [crowd laughing] Ceiling fan going around, I hit every blade on that motherfucker. [crowd laughing] Not no more. Now my shit is more like a fondue machine. [crowd laughing] It just come up and over the sides. [crowd laughing, clapping] It ain’t just me. There’s some fondue n*ggas out here. Any n*gga hairline back here fondued out. Any bald head n*gga fondulicous n*gga. Women, you seen the progression of that shit from you when you was younger till now. Back in the day, yous had to run to catch that nut then, you’ll be like… [crowd laughing] Now, you just sit there and be patient. [crowd laughing] [mic reverberates] [crowd laughing] [blowing sound] Yo Brooklyn, I’m Deon Cole. [crowd cheering] [crowd cheering, whistling] I wanna tell y’all something real quick. When y’all come to these comedy shows, and specials and shit like that, man, do me a favor, y’all. Give it and then what I’m about to say, I ain’t saying this for claps, so I want you to hear me. Give the comedian’s love, y’all. ‘Cause I’m a let you know something. Comedians be some hurt motherfuckers, man. We gotta put away everything that’s bothering us in order to come make y’all happy and we not complaining. It’s part of the job. A boxer get hit, so that’s just the job and shit. But you never understand what the comic is going through. He has to constantly be doing this shit and being happy around everybody when his whole fucking world is caving the fuck in. And y’all don’t know that. That’s a lot of hurt motherfucking comics out there. Me, personally? I’m coming out here doing the special and shit but this past year was hard for me, y’all. I lost my aunty, two of my uncles, my mother’s best friend, and I lost my moms. My mom, is the only thing I have ’cause like, I’m the only child and it’s just her. I ain’t have no father and no brothers and sisters and shit. It’s just her, and I lost her. And I lost her a year to this day. She died last year this day. And I said to myself, “I want her name to ring and I want her to be out here and live through me.” [crowd cheering] But hold on. That shit devastated me and I’ve been fucked up ever since. But when I come out here and I get love from y’all, I’ll be good. But I know there’s other people out there going through the same thing, man. They told me there’s a club called the 50 Club. And motherfuckers close to 50 or at 50, we lose our parents ’cause our parents is like 70 and 80 and shit. There’s a lot of people going through the same thing I’m going through right now. I’m not normal, motherfucker, I promise you. And I’m trying to live normal every fucking day. I’m trying to find a new normal in this fucking world. But when you got people like that, and I know y’all out there, I know you lost your parents, and I’m here to tell you, man, you ain’t alone. I’m here for you as long as everybody else is too. And anybody that you see who lost their parents, you embrace them. Go try and make them still be normal as fuck, they’re not. They hurting, they crushed. And they lost. Just like me. So I dedicate this to my mother, Charleen Cole. I love you to death, Ma. And thank y’all, Brooklyn, I hope you had a wonderful time. I love you, Mommy. I miss you so much. [crowd cheering] And I thank y’all Brooklyn, man. I appreciate y’all, man. [crowd cheering] [somber music playing] [crowd continues cheering] [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd whistling] [crowd continues cheering] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lee-mack-going-out-live-transcript/ | LEE MACK: GOING OUT LIVE (2010) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | lee mack | This programme contains strong language [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] Over 100 dates across the country but this is the big one, the one he’s really been looking forward to, the best town on the tour, yes, we’re here in… Hammersmith. Yes, wonderful, beautiful, amazing… Hammersmith. Famous, of course, for its fantastic… Flyover. And its absolutely superb… Bus station. And let’s not forget its brilliant, breathtaking, awe-inspiring… Cheap heroin. So, now, please welcome to the stage, Mr Lee Mack! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] I did say no kids. I don’t mess about! Read the leaflet. I don’t print them for my own good! You’ll never see him again and it’s your own fault. Let’s start with some audience participation. What’s your name, mate? Dan. Have you ever changed a light bulb? Yes? Did you do it on your own? Yes, and that’s what’s making this country so great! Let’s hear it for the Dan! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] Well done, Dan. That’s the end of the audience participation. So, how many paedophiles does it take to change a light bulb? One. It’s people like you that are ruining this country, Dan! So, this DFS sale… ..it’s dragging on a bit, innit? That one bloke who paid full whack, he must be kicking himself. Welcome to the show. New jokes, new tour. Some of them’ll work, some won’t. But like my mum used to say, if you throw enough shit, some of it will stick. I used to say, “Come on, Mum. Can’t we get a PlayStation?” There’s…there’s different types of jokes, a bit of observational, not too much. It’s too hard to write. You’re supposed to talk about stuff you’ve noticed. My problem is I don’t notice anything cos I don’t do anything. A lot of comedians will talk about going to the supermarket. I do all my stuff online. A lot of comedians will talk about their sex lives. Same problem. But at least it’s my own material. That’s the main thing. You can’t do cover versions, not in comedy. It’s not like music. Imagine if I got up here and started doing Richard Pryor’s material. It would be indefensible. Trust me, I know, I’ve tried. I got booed off stage and told by the other comedians I was a disgrace to the profession. I’ve even tried it without blacking up. [LAUGHTER] There will be some bad language. That’s the new rules of comedy, you’ve got to tell people in advance about bad language. You can’t watch a TV programme now without being warned. I’m not sure we need those warnings. People swear all the time in real life and you don’t get warned about that. It’s not like people come up to me going, “Lee, it all kicked off in the pub last night. Let me tell you about it “in a story which contains strong language from the start… “and scenes of a sexual nature… “and flashing lights. “So, there’s this prick, he gets his cock out and I hit it with a torch.” [LAUGHTER] Talking of bad language, this is true… Part of the tour, we had a signer for the deaf on stage. I learnt some swear words in sign language. For example, did you know that this is sign language for shit? I thought, that must be horrible if you’re deaf and you cut yourself shaving. Oh, shit. [HE SCREAMS] Honest to God, at one point, I said, “Bollocks.” He went like this… I said, “Mate, bollocks, not elephantitis.” I said, “If that’s bollocks, what’s juggling?” And he went… So, basically, sign language for, “Hello, can I have a look at you juggling?” Is exactly the same as, “Hello, can I have a look at your testicles?” I thought, that must be awkward if you’re a deaf children’s entertainer. [LAUGHTER] That was wanker, obviously. I can’t help thinking though, if that’s bollocks, maybe this should be wanker… [LAUGHTER] Oh, you’re back. You’re back! The kids are back. Well done, mate. I feel bad now. You missed the beginning of the show. I’ll fill you in. You haven’t missed much. Dan’s a paedophile. You were safer in the box! I’m obsessed by the whole swearing thing. In the newspapers, they do the asterisk. F, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk. We know what it says. We can still read. What’s the point in covering it up? When we get to it, we don’t go, “F-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk.” We know what it says. So they’re covering it up but we can still hear it. What’s the point? That’s like me going on Songs Of Praise and going, “Hello, Aled. I’d like to dedicate this next hymn to my father. He really was a great man. “I say great, every now and again, he was a little bit of a BLEEP. Is that all right? “Covered it up when I said it. Is that all right? Get off me! “What’s your problem? Thora Hird used to let me say it. You… “Get off me.” I’m so sorry. This is such a posh, pleasant sort of gig. What are you doing drinking? Can you drink in here? Oh, you can. I like a drink. I joined a wine club recently. We meet every morning at nine o’clock in the park. I’m obsessed with drinking. I was in the Queen’s Head recently. Prince Philip wasn’t happy. And we were talking about the phrase – “pissed as newts”. You don’t hear that any more, do you? Pissed as newts. People used to say it all the time. I’ve come to the conclusion that all the newts got together and said, “Right, lads. “We… [SLURRED SPEECH] ..are going to have to sort ourselves out, “because apparently… “we’re getting a terrible reputation.” And the other one’s gone, “What are we going to do with all this booze?” And the other one’s gone, “Oh, I don’t know. “Pour it down that rat’s arse.” [LAUGHTER] I love it when the government’s always trying to get involved. The Conservatives said, we’re going to reduce binge drinking by increasing the tax on alcopops. How’s that going to help, increasing the tax on alcopops? Two fat women lying in the gutter at two in the morning. “Are you all right, Sandra, love?” “Aye, I’m fine. “Just go and get us another bottle of hooch, you daft bitch.” “You sure yous want one?” “Aye. Why not?” “I’ll tell yous why. “You know the government have raised duty on alcopops by 12.5%?” HE GASPS “He’s what?! “That is totally disproportionate to the rate of inflation. “Especially when you consider the current fiscal quota. “12.5% increase on the already steep price of £2.70 a bottle. “Why, that’s an increase of almost 33.1 pence on every unit price. “And that sort of inflationary rise “is not just steep, it’s totally unsustainable “in a modern, Western, democratic economy. “Nah, forget it. “Go get us a bottle of water instead. “I’m going to go home and have a long hard look at my life.” [LAUGHTER] “Actually, before you go, Sandra, love. Can you give us a hand? “I think I’ve got a kebab stuck up me fanny.” [LAUGHTER] I didn’t need to use a Geordie accent. That was a stereotype. I thought I’d play safe. We haven’t got any Geordies in tonight, I assume? All right! We have! Bloody hell. Someone in London’s having an extension done. I read an interesting fact about Newcastle the other day. If you took all the chips that were eaten in Newcastle on a Friday night and put them in a pile, they would reach out and grab those chips back. It’s a fact. I read that! What’s your name, madam? Sorry? Charlene. How are you, Charlene? Nice to see you, Charlene. Can I ask you a question? How old are you? Sorry, that’s a very rude question. I meant to say, how heavy are you? Sorry. How… How old are you? 23! Wow! I’m not going to lie, this joke isn’t going to work. I thought you were older. [LAUGHTER] Perfect, you’ll do. I’m joking! We’ll edit it in, it’ll be fine. I’m joking. At least you didn’t say 29. I wouldn’t have believed you. Never trust a woman if her age ends in nine. That’s what they say. Cos if a woman says 39, they mean mid-40s. If they say 29, they mean mid-30s. If they just say nine, you shouldn’t be making enquiries. Hope you’re listening to this, Dan. I’m 41 now and I find as I’m getting older, I’m turning into my dad, cos I’ve started fancying my mum. I’m joking! He never fancied me mum. It was always me sister. Oh, come on! A bit of incest, goes back generations in our family, doesn’t do any harm. Apart from my sister’s webbed feet. We used to tease her but she got the last laugh. She was the only one who could keep away from dad in the swimming pool. I’m obsessed with age. There was a woman on the radio, 80 years old. They said, “How do you feel now you’ve turned 80?” This woman said, “I feel exactly the same now as I did when I was 14.” Everyone went, “Oh, isn’t that lovely.” Then I thought, no, it’s weird. I’m sorry, but if you feel exactly the same at 80 as you did when you were 14, you have wasted your life. You’re supposed to grow old, mature, get wise. Who wants to go to their nan and go, “What did you do today?” “I loitered outside the off-licence, bit of shoplifting, “then I got fingered behind Tesco’s.” Who wants to hear that?! Nobody! Here’s a moral question about age for you. How old do you have to be before a girl is allowed to have her ears pierced? 14. 14? Who said that? Thank you very much. That is exactly what I said and I got told I was an old fuddy-duddy and stuffy. There’s someone in this world who’s got the same morals as me. Thank you, madam. Cos my girlfriend wants to get her ears pierced, right… Is this your other half, Charlene? Yes, and is he older or younger? He’s older. Hello. How much older? [INAUDIBLE] How many years? 13 years! 23… Sorry, I’m trying to work out if that obeys the French rule. You know the French rule? Have you heard of France? The French rule? The French say you can’t go out with anyone that’s younger than half your age plus seven. They’ve all got their own rules. The Thai rule, half your age and half again. The Austrian rule, half your age and down six flights of stairs. The Chinese rule… Well, they will eventually. The Geordie rule, forget the age, count the teeth. But it’s mainly the French rule. Why we’re listening to the French, I’ll never know. I’ve never trusted the French. The things they do to us. Writing C on the hot tap… C for cold, F for fucking hot and they swap it round. I’m not an idiot. And they nick all our words, like bananas. What do they do? Get rid of the letter B, call them, ananas. And they’re horrible! They taste like pineapples. [LAUGHTER] Everyone goes on about the French, the French fancy food. “Ooh, we love fancy…” No-one really likes fancy. They pretend to like fancy food, like caviar, grown inside a sturgeon. I would rather have the fish. Truffles, sniffed from the ground by an old sow. I would rather have the pig. Oysters, collected off the ocean bed by a half-naked Filipino boy. [LAUGHTER] I prefer a takeaway. I love Subway. I love that new campaign Subway’s got. “We make the sandwich the way you want it.” I thought, that’s very generous of you. I’m glad I didn’t come when it was the old system. “Can I have a cheese sandwich, please, with tomato and mayonnaise?” No. “Why not?” “Cos that’s not the way Keith likes it.” [LAUGHTER] “Who’s Keith?” “Bloke down the road.” “Well, how does he like his cheese sandwich?” “With tomato and mayonnaise. “But no cheese.” “That’s not true, is it?” “No.” “You don’t know anyone called Keith, do you?” “No.” “What’s going on?” “We’ve run out of cheese.” [LAUGHTER] Hello, madam in the front row holding onto your bottle. Madam, how are you? Good. You just did that great thing women do in the front row, which I always like. I’ll talk to them, then they look at me and slightly glance down and back up again, thinking, “He’ll be gone when I look back.” You’re not blind, are you? That would be very awkward. Is this your other half? Are you sure you’re not blind? Only joking. You look great. I’m looking at what you’re wearing, madam. You’ve gone for a massive white belt, and this long hair with a sort of diagonal fringe. Then that grey thing, with a sort of dress over the top. It gets me very confused. I’m looking at it and I’ll be completely honest with you, I’m thinking, “What are you thinking about?” I look at you and think, “What are you thinking about?” What are you thinking about?! I don’t like it. So, good evening, welcome to the show. I’d rather be honest. I’m joking. She looks great. That was my experiment. That was my little experiment for the night. She looks great. But did you feel the tension in the room? I called Dan a paedophile, I said I once blacked up… Nothing. I don’t like what she’s wearing… “He’s a BLEEP monster!” I do like what she’s wearing, but what if I didn’t? It would be my taste against her taste. If I said, “What would you like to eat?” And she said, “Rhubarb.” And I said, “I don’t really like rhubarb.” You wouldn’t all go, “It’s kicking off! “What’s going to happen?!” If you think about it, that’s more important cos we’re talking about food, stuff you put inside your body. Which brings me onto my main point. Him. What are you thinking about?! Look at him! His hair’s different colours! Are you a local lady, madam? Where are you from? Mordor? Sorry, where are you from? Oh, you’re from Milton Keynes. I was right first time. Milton Keynes. Very nice. That’s the important thing. You’ve got to live in a nice area. It doesn’t matter about your house or your flat, it’s the area you live in. It’s like Kirstie Allsopp always says on Channel 4, “Location, location, location.” But we all know what she’s actually thinking is, “Biscuits, biscuits, biscuits.” “Oh, Phil, I don’t like these bevelled floor boards.” “Well, they were all right before you came in, Princess.” [LAUGHTER] “Come on, Kirstie. Head out of the fridge. Let’s have a look upstairs.” “Biscuits!” Did you read about that? Biscuits are the most dangerous product in the house. They cause more admissions to accident and emergency than any other product. People give a biscuit to the dog, they get bitten. They dip the biscuit in the tea, they get burnt. It’s not a laughing matter. My mum was seriously injured cos of a packet of Rich Tea biscuits. She was supposed to get me Jammy Dodgers so I punched her in the face. I live in a nice area now. I moved to the west of London. It’s quite nice but like anywhere in London you’re only ever five minutes away from a red light area or something. Not but I’ve got a problem. I don’t know what your opinion on the subject is. Personally, I’ve always thought prostitution should be cheaper. Legalised! I said legalised, by the way, not eagle eyes. I don’t think prostitutes should have eagle eyes. Maybe they should have eagle eyes and then when they go down on you, you can do that and they can keep a look out for the police. [LAUGHTER] I had to move out of the East End, though. It’s the Cockneys. I get confused with Cockneys. Cockney rhyming slang to me, it’s very confusing. It’s particularly confusing if you’re the person the Cockney rhyming slang is named after. I mean, Hank Marvin. He must spend his life introducing himself to people… [LAUGHTER] ..and people going… ..”I can get you a cheese sandwich or something.” Not everyone’s from London tonight. I can tell. Half of you knew that Hank Marvin means starving, and half of you got confused then, cos half of you think Hank has got something to do with wank. Is that the problem with that joke? I can almost hear the conversations. “I don’t get that one, Trevor. Do you?” “No, my darling. “Why give Hank Marvin a cheese sandwich if he wants to masturbate?” “I was wondering the same thing. Maybe the sandwich is for Cliff Richard. He was in The Shadows.” “Yes. He’s all right, this fella, but he’s no Jethro, is he?” “No, he’s not.” “He’s trying hard. He is trying hard.” There’s lots of famous people in Cockney rhyming slang now. Samantha Janus. She’s Cockney rhyming slang. She is, officially. Oh, good, you got that one. She’s changed it now. She sometimes says, “Samantha Jan-us.” You can’t change your surname cos it sounds like something rude! Ask my mate, Billy Hucked-Her-Up-The-Arsehole. He’s not been able to change his name, just cos Billy rhymes with Willy. What are the rules?! It’s a rip-off, living in London. I rung up for some car insurance the other day. I said, “How much would it be to insure my car?” This bloke said, “Do you park it in the street?” I said, “Yeah, I’m having problems squeezing it into the spare room.” He said, “As opposed to a garage?” I said, “Yes, I park it in the street.” He said, “Is it a well-lit street?” I said, “No, it’s a dark street.” He said, “Oh, dear. Have you got any security on it? Any car alarms?” I said, “Nothing.” He said, “What area in London do you live in?” So I told him my address and he came round and nicked it. Rip-off! You go to the mechanics… Do this one. I love this. It’s my favourite practical joke. I did this last week. I said, “There’s something wrong with my car. It keeps going…” [WHIRRING] He said, “That’s your clutch.” I said, “No, it’s not the clutch. It keeps going…” [WHIRRING] He said, “Yeah, hat’s your clutch.” I said, “No, it’s not. It keeps going…” [WHIRRING] He said, “It’s your clutch! I said, “Will you stop interrupting me? “I’ve got a stutter.” [LAUGHTER] “It keeps going… WHIRRING “..really slowly up hills!” [LAUGHTER] He said, “Yeah, that’s your clutch.” [LAUGHTER] I hate the rip-off you get in London. You get it all over Britain now, the hard sell on the phone. “Do you want to switch your gas to the electric? Switch your electric…” I’m taking this off, can’t sustain this for an hour. [WOLF WHISTLE] Don’t patronise me. I know it hasn’t worked out. I bought the suit, looked at myself in the shop and I thought, “I’ve got a bit of the Al Pacinos going on.” I looked backstage and realised I’ve ended up looking like a very unsuccessful regional snooker player. [LAUGHTER] The telephone hard sell is the worst in the world. This is a true story. I was lying in bed the other day with a hangover. Yeah, it’s awful when your cock’s so big it won’t stay in the bed. [LAUGHTER] I’m glad I didn’t say a stinking hangover. And I knew straightaway this bloke was trying to sell me something with his opening line cos he said, “Hello, sir. How are you today?” I said, “No, thank you.” He genuinely got the hump and said, “No, thank you what?” I said, “Sorry. No, thank you, please.” He said, “I’m phoning from EDF.” I said, “I’m not interested.” He said, “I haven’t told you what it is yet.” I said, “I know why you’re ringing. “To offer me a free season ticket to Wembley, plus unlimited access “to dirty Brenda’s all-night knocking shop with as many chocolate hobnobs as I can eat.” He said, “No, I’m not. I’m ringing to talk about your domestic fuel bills.” I said, “Well, why didn’t you say that in the first place?! “Keep talking, son.” He said, “Well, sir…” cos he didn’t get the sarcasm. He said, “How would you feel about paying less for your gas?” I said, “Honestly?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “I reckon, I’d feel exactly the same “but I’d be paying less for my gas.” He said, “Can I ask, who’s your current supplier?” I said, “It’s Gypsy Dave, he comes round on a moped every Thursday.” I said, “Sorry! I thought you meant electricity.” I said, “It’s British Gas.” He said, “Can I ask why you chose them, sir?” I said, “Well, it’s a funny story. “I needed some gas and I live in Britain, and I don’t know “what it was but they seemed to be ticking all the right boxes.” At this point, he genuinely got the hump. He said, “I’ll phone someone else who’ll answer my questions less sarcastically.” “You can. They’ll be less sarcastic. They’ll probably stay on the phone longer, “but they’ll end up saying no anyway. “I don’t know who’s providing your current rejection “but if you switch to me, I would combine the sarcasm “with the rejection and save you 15% a year on your cold-calling time.” Do you know what he did then? He tried to offer me Nectar points! Let me tell you something about Nectar points. I spent the last two years collecting Nectar points. Do you know how many I’ve got? Enough for a tiny little jar of honey! I’d be better off collecting nectar! I’m glad you laughed at that joke because I did it in Ireland a month ago and it got fuck all. We did Dublin for two nights. I did the same joke. Get off stage, a bloke went, “You know that joke about the Nectar points and the honey? “I know why it didn’t get a laugh.” I went, “Why?” He went, “They don’t have Nectar points in Ireland.” What are you telling me now for after the gig? Wipe that smirk off your face! He said, “Don’t worry. Tomorrow night, say Tesco points.” I don’t know what’s worse. The fact he suggested that or the fact that half of you are now staring at me going, “Well, what happened? Did it work?” “Did it work the next night? What about Asda points? “They’ve all got an Asda. Come on, mate, stay with it. Go on. “Don’t leave us hanging.” Cos that’s how they speak in London. Sorry for locking you in the box, by the way, lads. Sorry about that. What’s your name, mate? Nathan. Nafan? N-A-F-A-N, yeah? And, er… How old are you, Nafan? 12. 12. Wow. Did you have a nice Easter? Was it under the plant pot? It’s always under the plant pot, isn’t it! And, um… Do you, er… Do you like music? What kind of music are you into? Rock. Rock. I like rock. I like U2, they’re my favourite rock band. There was a documentary the other day about U2. Does anybody know the real name of Bono, the lead singer? It’s not his real name, obviously. Does anyone know what Bono’s real name is? Wanker! Calm it down, Tourette’s man, I’ll be with you in a minute. You see that documentary about Tourette’s? How funny was that? They’ve given him a dog now! How’s that possibly going to help, does he blame the dog? “Fuck off! Not me, Charlie. “Cheeky Charlie, talking to the nice lady like that. Shit-flaps! “Come on, sit down. No sausages!” They put him next to the busiest dual carriageway with a dog, and he’s got Tourette’s. “It was awful, he just stood there the whole time going, “Come on! Wait. “Come on! Wait. Come on! Wait.” The dog’s going, “I hate being your dog! “Giving me fucking Tourette’s.” So, yes, the real name of the… The lead singer was Paul what? Paul Hewson. Paul Hewson, right. It’s not a joke. I just want to make sure that turd in a box goes to the right address, cos I’m not a fan. I like The Edge, or as he’s known in France, L’Edge. At least they’ve learnt their number one lesson – never sing in your own accent. That would just sound awful, wouldn’t it? The only part of the world that hasn’t learnt this is Manchester. They insist on northernering it up, like Elbow. [NORTHERN ACCENT] # Blinking in the morning sun… # Look at me, I’m a fucking northerner. # I’m blinking in the morning sun # I’m blinking in the morning sun. # Oasis were the worst, of course. # In the sunshiiiiiiine! # That bloke was constipated with Manchesterness. That’s why he had to leave. He did a massive poo and it was all over. # In the sun… # Bwwwrrpt! “Oh, I say, that feels a lot better, Noel. “I’m off. Toodle-pip.” 10CC – they were from Manchester. 10CC didn’t sing in a northern accent, did they? Then again, you can’t sing that classic song I’m Not in Love with a northern accent. [NORTHERN ACCENT] “I’m not in, love! I’m not in, love! “Brian! I’m not in, love! “I’m in the shed.” “What are you doing in there?” “It’s just a silly phase I’m going through.” Talking of music, I’ve been hobnobbing with the stars. When I say hobnobbing with the stars, I don’t mean eating chocolate biscuits with Kerry Katona. That’s a battle you’re never going to win. It was a few years ago. It was, actually, true story, the last one-night stand I had before I met my current wife, or as I should probably start calling her, wife. It’s a true story. I had a one-night stand with a very famous pop star. I don’t mind telling you who it was. It was with the pop star, Pink. True story. It is! It IS! The weird thing was I didn’t even fancy her, but I’m a massive fan of snooker and six points is six points, isn’t it? I was going through a weird phase that year – trying to sleep with everyone represented on the snooker table. I slept with Sarah Greene, Sarah Brown, the boy band Blue. I even changed my sexuality to achieve my targets. You think that’s odd? I shagged Cilla Black! You know what they say – once you’ve had black, you never go back. I couldn’t think of anything for yellow so I just had a wank while watching The Simpsons. The only downside is in-between every colour I had to sleep with Mick Hucknall from Simply Red. But it’s a very sad time for music. A very sad time because of the death of Michael Jackson and, er… [SOME LAUGHTER] You get these comedians, don’t you, who do these cheap and pathetic jokes about Michael but you won’t be getting that from me, ladies and gentlemen, because… ..because Michael was a… because Michael was a mentor… HYSTERICAL [LAUGHTER] Fuck off, it’s the serious bit! Sorry. Michael was a… [LAUGHTER] Get out and show some respect. In fact, do both. Get out the whole way like this, all the way to the door. You’re talking about the man I love! The things that were said about Michael – the lies, the untruths. Makes me sick. I was reading today on the internet, right, on his wikipaedophile page… Wikipedia! ..the lies, the things people say about him. “He was on drugs.” Oh, he was on drugs, was he? You’re talking about a man who didn’t even have sugar in his coffee. Do you know why? Because he was sweet enough. Didn’t even have milk in his coffee. Do you know what amazed me about Michael Jackson’s death? This country must hold the world record for the shortest bereavement a country has ever had. I timed it. From the announcement of the death to the first joke text. 22 seconds! “I heard he had a stroke in the children’s ward.” What is it about technology that turns you into the sickest f… in the world? Will somebody tell me when it became socially acceptable to send pictures of dwarves fucking ponies to everybody else in the office? When did that become normal? Yes, it’s on a computer but it’s still a photograph, you freaks! We couldn’t do that before computers. “What have you brought into the office?” “I brought a photograph, boss.” “Do show us, it’ll be such fun.” “What’s that, you weirdo? I hate computers. It’s all the little terminology that they use. The little terminology. I rung up for some help the other day on my website. I said, “I can’t get into my website.” This bloke said, “Have you tried disabling cookies?” I said, “I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.” It’s a nice spotty dress you’ve got on there, madam. It’s very spotty, isn’t it? I’m not looking at your tits. I’m trying to find out if I’m colour blind. What’s your name, madam? Liz. Liz. Know what I’m thinking of being? A quiz show host. Think I could make it? Are you feeling lucky, Liz? Cross your fingers. Are you superstitious? Superstition. Like my sister. When we were kids, she was so superstitious she wouldn’t even have 13 as her unlucky number because she said it would crop up too much in life. She decided that her unlucky number was going to be 737. She died in a plane crash. This is the rules, Liz. I’ll give you the names of three famous people. I want you to tell me where they were born. The clue is in the name of the person. The clue’s in the name of the person and you tell me where they were born. Here we go. It’s football. Looking for the name of the country – the footballer, Stephen Ireland. Where was he born? Stephen Ireland. We’re looking for the name of a country. Where was he born? Ireland! Ireland! She’s got the first one right, let’s hear it for Liz. You can do this, Liz. The second one is the poet, John Welsh? John Welsh. Where was he born? What country? Wales! Wales! That’s two, come on! You can do this, here we go. For tonight’s star prize. OK. No shouting out, you can ask the people around you. Here we go. The name of an island. We’re looking for the name of an island. It’s the soul singer, Barry White. Where was he born? The soul singer. It’s the name of an island. Barry White. Barry White, where was he born? The Isle of Wight? The Isle of Wight! She’s got… No, she’s got it wrong. Barry Island. You were that close, weren’t you? Don’t worry, I’ll give you another chance. We played the porn star name game on the tour. The best porn star name gets a prize. You know the porn star name game – it’s your first pet and mother’s maiden name. You play those rules? Yes, you do. What was your first pet, Liz? This could be your moment. What was your first pet? This could be comedy gold. What was your first pet? A dog. A dog. Not… The name of the pet! First you didn’t hear the Isle of Wight and now you can’t… That’s not going to work as a porn star name, is it? “Hey, baby, what’s your name?” “A dog!” “A dog!” What was the name of the dog? Harry. Harry, perfect. Harry! You’ve had the last five minutes to think. You could have said Fluffy or Trixie or Pussy, no, no, no. What do we get? “Harry. Deal with that.” I hope to God your mother’s maiden name is Fuck-flaps, otherwise this is going nowhere. I don’t know why I bother playing the porn star name game. Honest to God, I said to my wife recently, “What’s your porn star name?” My wife said, “Anal Ventures.” I said, “Love, your first pet was not called Anal. “Your mother’s maiden name is not Ventures. “Play the game.” She said, “What game?” I was lying in bed, right, with my wife, the other day, and… ..we were talking about… sexual fantasies. And I said…that during sex, I’d always quite liked the idea of… ..you know… turning into Leonard Rossiter. “Have you… Have you…” “Have you…” “Have you…” “Have you… Have you…” “Do you ev… C…can I…” “Can I stick it up your Miss Jones?” And… I said I’d… I’d always quite liked the idea of… you know, getting someone else involved. And she said, “No chance! You can carry on doing it on your own.” That’s the problem after a while, it’s the romance that goes, isn’t it? You do your best, but it goes. It always backfires when I do my best. I said, “What do you mean, more romantic?” She went, “Surprise me, come home with wine, a DVD, write secret notes.” The next night, I came back with a bottle of Blue Nun and a porno film and I wrote a note on the door saying, “Do not disturb,” right? Still nothing. So I made the effort. I thought, “I’ll be romantic, I’ll take her away.” I’d been saying it for ages, I finally did something about it. Actions speak louder than words. Not always, obviously. Not if you want to say, “Look out for that truck!” Use words, obviously. The last thing you want to see just before you die is a man playing charades. “Five words, first word…” “Oh, you bastard.” There’s loads of phrases I’ve never understood. “One swallow does not make a summer.” It’s a bloody nice start, though, be honest. So, I take her to Westwood Ho!, right? Westward Ho!, famous for being the only place name in Britain with a punctuation mark at the end. Apart from Newcastle, it’s got a question mark. I take her to Westwood Ho! We’re on the beach. Do you ever do that thing where you have a debate and it turns out to be a big row? A nice friendly debate, a big row. I thought I’d made a good point. We’re walking along the beach and I said, “Interesting, isn’t it? “That if a woman walks down the beach and she was wearing bra and knickers, “people would think she’s mental. “They’d probably shout stuff out at her, give her abuse. “And yet, if a woman walks down the beach in a bikini, “no-one says anything. “And if you think about it, a bikini is effectively bra and knickers. “So with that theory, you should be able to walk down the beach “in bra and knickers, and have no-one say anything.” And she said, “I don’t care! Take them off!” She’s got a point about the romance thing. It’s very hard to show your romance as a bloke. Very hard to show any emotions at all, to be honest. I’ve got this theory – women, when they have Botox, they can’t show any emotions or expressions. Blokes should have the complete opposite and have a permanent emotion etched onto their face for life. You could have any one you want, but you’re stuck with it forever. I’d have confusion. I like the idea of spending me whole life walking around like this. “You all right, Lee?” “Yeah, I’m fine, why does everyone keeps asking me that?” You and your mates could have different emotions and have every situation covered. “Really? Five quid for a pint of lager, you must be joking. “Steve, get over here.” Talking of facelifts and Botox, I’ll tell you who gets a lot of criticism for that – Anne Robinson. Let me tell you – she’s a close showbiz friend of mine – she’s never had Botox or a facelift. People don’t realise that she’s got a massive bulldog clip on the back of her head, and if you take that bulldog clip off, it turns out she’s Harry Redknapp. That’s fact! Sweating like a pig. We all right over there? I forgot about this whole section. What’s your name, madam? Sam? You all right, Sam? Is this your other half next to you? Yes. Have you got kids? Three kids, isn’t that lovely? I’ll be honest, right, I always wanted three kids, but now we’ve got two, I only want one. It’s not easy, having that second kid, is it? We’ve had to get a live-in nanny, because that dead one wasn’t working out. What are your kids called? Ellis? Nice name. Erin? There’s a theme here, isn’t there? “And elephant!” He’s the ugliest one. And what’s the third one? Na-than. “Na-than. Na-than.” Yeah? Are they good kids? Very good. That’s good, you’ve got to have good kids. My kids are completely different. One’s audacious, sprightly, over-zealous, effusive. The other one, we went for a more traditional name, John. “Audacious-Sprightly-Over-zealous- Effusive not going to be happy growing up with that name, is he? But John, she’s going to be livid! It’s hard, having kids. You’ve always got to do the right thing. It’s so difficult. The other day, my five-year-old, he was crying his eyes out. I walked in, I said, “Are you all right?” He went, “No, I’m scared.” I said, “What are you scared of?” How heartbreaking is this? “I’m scared of a third world war.” [AUDIENCE] Aw-w! I know. I picked that little fella up and I held him tightly. I said, “Son, you don’t have to be scared of that, “I’ve seen Comic Relief and I reckon if it all does kick off, “I don’t think the Third World are up for it.” Don’t get me wrong, I do my bit for charity. My attitude to charity has always been, “You give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, “but you teach a man to fish, you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?” Old northern proverb. We always get the blame. Parents have always got the blame. It doesn’t matter who they are. When Paris Hilton first hit the headlines my mate said, “I blame the parents.” I thought, “There’s so much you can teach a child, then they’re on their own.” You’re tucking your daughter up in bed, “There you go, lots of love, nightie night. “Don’t forget everything I’ve taught you in life. “Always say your prayers before bedtime, “always eat your vegetables and don’t forget, “always play out nicely with your friends. “All right, darling? Nightie night. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. “Nightie night. Go to sleep now. “(Go to sleep. Go to sleep.]” “Oh… one other thing… “When you grow up, “don’t fuck someone, film it and put it on the internet. “That’s it, blow the lightie out.” We don’t do the prayers thing. We’re not a religious family. We not anti-religious, we just haven’t made our minds up yet. The text of the Bible is a bit confusing and old-fashioned, because people don’t speak like that any more, do they? Like the Noah story. It rain for 40 days and 40 nights. People don’t speak like that any more. You don’t have to say both, or split them up. Why don’t they say, “It rained for 40 days”? We don’t need the full sentence. People don’t talk like that. On a Friday, you don’t say to your mates, “I’ll see you in a few days, and a few nights. What? “Nothing!” You don’t have to separate them. We’ll understand. If I said to you lot, “I haven’t slept for 40 days,” you’d rush me to hospital. If on the way, I said, “Obviously, I’ve been sleeping at night,” you’d beat the shit out of me. You’ve got to give them a good education, the kids, haven’t you? Got any students in tonight? [CHEERING] Up the top, with your hands up – What’s your name, madam? Are you the northern lady? Panicking because there’s someone educated in the building. “Student, run, she’ll try and talk to me!” God bless you for running like that. Everywhere else in the world, people walk out of theatres like this. One northern woman in the front, “I’m off! “I’m from up north and I don’t give a fuck!” What’s your name up there? Ian. What are you studying? Catering. Catering? Patisserie. Patisserie? Oh, you’re back, are you, madam? Just on time, we’re talking about pies. She’s northern! I meant pies, Northern, she’s from Wigan! No, I’m not. Where are you from? St Helens. St Helens? Ever meet anyone that’s so Lancastrian like you, it’s like you’re not playing at the right speed? [HE SPEAKS SLOWLY] “Do you mind, I’m from St Helens, not Wigan!” You’re supposed to be on 45, you’re playing it on 33. Play it properly, and just going to toilet. I’m from up north, and I don’t give a fuck! Oh, did someone say pies? Oh, fuck that. Hey, did someone say pies? Can you put it on 45? I’m playing at the wrong speed, Gromit. Good that you’re educating yourself, Ian, well done. That’s brilliant. You want to do something with your life and to educating yourself, and I commend you for that. Do you know where I studied, Ian? The University of Life! Know what I learnt there, mate? I learnt about pain and sorrow! I learnt how to survive off 10 quid a week or you go hungry. I learnt how to fiddle the gas meter otherwise you go cold in winter. I learnt misery and pain! I learnt if someone puts a knife to your throat at two in the morning, how you survive that situation. I learnt misery and pain and sorrow! Sorry, it wasn’t the University of Life, it was the University of Fife, sorry. It’s good you’re learning. Most kids don’t want to know anything. Kids don’t want education any more. They don’t want to go anywhere. All they want to do is sit in front of their computers. When we were kids, it was different. We used to have energetic games, didn’t we? Wasn’t it brilliant? Who here used to play Knock Down Ginger? It was great, wasn’t it? Driving round, looking for the ginger kid. There’s a whole family of them, Steve. Get on the pavement. I’m allowed to do jokes like that, by the way, because my wife’s ginger. Before you ask, she’s ginger upstairs and downstairs. It doesn’t matter what room she goes in, she’s fucking ginger. She can’t shake it off. It’s like a curse. Right, get back out again! What’s your name, mate? Pete. Pete? What do you do, Pete? Builder. Builder. Speed should have told me that. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Sorry about this. Traffic, love. Not my fault. It was the traffic, love. Not my fault. It’s different when we were kids, wasn’t it? Simple games. Energetic games. Musical statues. Yeah? Dressing up games. If we were really lucky, Dad would combine both. He’d dress me up as a little girl, put some callipers on my legs, give me a money box and see how still I could stand outside the newsagent’s. My brother was down the road, dressed as a Labrador with a hole in his head. Simple, happy times! You’ve got to watch kids TV with the kids, right? They don’t watch what I want to watch. I don’t watch University Challenge any more. I’ve given up with it. Is it me or are the questions getting harder and harder with every series? It’s got to the point now, honestly, where I give myself a point if I understand what the question means. I swear to God this is true. I once shouted out, Henry VIII, and the answer was nitrogen. How is that possible? You’ve got to watch kids’ adverts with the kids. Kids’ adverts are mental. Cereal adverts. They break all the other rules of traditional advertising. What other product would say the following sentence as if it was a positive? “It even turns your milk brown.” Ooh, thank fuckety-do for that. That white stuff’s been doing my head in. You don’t get that with other products, do you? Benson & Hedges. Even turns your fingers yellow. Stella Artois, even turns your wife black and blue. I hate the hard sell. The worst one’s that barman. He does the drink and work campaign – he does the monologue. He does different characters and shows that bloke the problems he’ll have if he has that extra pint. You know the advert, the bloke stands there and goes, “What can I get you?” “Step out of the vehicle and blow into the bag.” “I’m sorry, son, it’s company policy. I’ve got to let you go.” “There’s only 20,000 miles on the clock but it’s my final offer.” “No licence, no job, no holidays, no home, no car, no running, “no jumping, no diving, no heavy petting. Noel Edmonds. Noel Gallagher. What are we going to do?” “What can I get you?” “I only wanted a fucking packet of pork scratchings!” If you want to watch proper mental television though, watch CBeebies. My kids are obsessed with CBeebies. There’s one woman on CBeebies they absolutely love. Right? It’s the women with half an arm. Do you know this woman? She’s brilliant, this woman. My kids love her, right. She’s the best… Honest to God, people complained about this woman. People of this country complained that that women shouldn’t be allowed on television because it’s scaring the kids. How wrong was that?! For those that don’t know the story, this woman’s got half her arm missing from the elbow down, right? I didn’t need to say the second half of that sentence! She’s got half her arm missing, right? You knew which half, didn’t you? Even the builder knew! You knew. It was the other half, didn’t you? In fact, it would be fair to say, if it was the other half, it’s probably fair that people are ringing in complaining it’s scaring the kids. Hello, boys and girls, what’s in my box today? Let’s have a look. It’s only my other half a fucking arm. Oh, Mummy, Mummy, she’s doing it again! People complain, saying she shouldn’t be allowed on television. How wrong is that? Politically and morally incorrect. She is genuinely the best presenter on CBeebies. My kids love her. Most importantly, if we get rid of her, I miss out on my favourite game of the day – making up stories to my kids about how she lost that arm. I won’t go into detail but let’s just say the little one has stopped picking his nose. I’ll tell you what else we’ve started doing – me and my wife – this weird thing. Nobody likes rowing in front of kids. It’s wrong to row in front of little ones. Me and my wife, for some bizarre reason, have started singing the row. This started about a year ago, right? We were on a train going to EuroDisney with the two kids. Suddenly, we broke down and didn’t move for two-and-a-half hours. It was stifling hot. Suddenly my wife turned round to me and went, # “Told you we should have got the plane.” # I said, “Oh no you don’t.” You said “Get the train.” I said, “Get the plane.” # “No, no, no. You’re doing it again, you see. # “You can’t fucking remember…” # “Don’t fucking start swearing at me, you know it fucking winds me up.” # “But now you’re fucking…” # “Don’t fucking tell me what the fucking…” # It’s like a musical version of Tourette’s in our house half the time. # “You said get the train” “Don’t tell me what I fucking…” # “What you fucking do is raise your fucking voice to me…” # “You said, “Get the train.” # “I didn’t fucking say get the fucking train. You’re just like your mum! # “Don’t bring my fucking mum into fucking this!” # We think the kids can’t notice. We look in the aisle. They’ve got top hats and canes and they’re going… # Dad’s such a BLEEP! He’s such a fucking BLEEP! # Thanks for coming out and listening to my new jokes. New tour. One joke – my favourite joke – hasn’t been working on the tour. I thought, they’re wrong, I’m right. OK. I think it’s a brilliant joke. No pressure then, Lee. I’ve always wanted to kidnap the ex-professional tennis player, Pat Cash. Just so, that after his family pay the ransom, I can ring them up and say, “Do you want cashback?” I knew that was all right. It’s all right, isn’t it? Yes. So, have you got any questions? Sorry, what was that? LONDON ACCENT: What makes you laugh? What makes me laugh? Someone who sounds like she’s working on a fruit and veg stall in the East End. Know what I mean, love? Know what I mean? I love it when someone’s got that Cockney accent. The more friendly they get, the more threatening it sounds. HE SPEAKS SOFTLY: “Hello, Lee, how you doing? You all right? Nice to see you. “How’s your mum, is she all right? “Good. It’s all you need, isn’t it? Your mum, yes, and your health. “How’s your health? Your health for her. “That’s all you need, your mum and your health and your legs. “How’s your legs? You got legs? Yeah. “Do you want to keep your fucking legs? Do you want to keep your legs? “How are you, Lee? Are you all right? “Yeah, anyway, I’ve got to go now. “I’ve got to build the wall. See you later.” Questions from the top. Quiet, please. I’m a bit disappointed… You’re a bit disappointed because of what? You haven’t spoken about your dead nan. I haven’t spoken about my dead nan. You’re disappointed. You sound like a really classy girl. What a great Scouse accent as well! I love it when someone’s so Scouse, they sound like they’re turning into a dolphin. Proper Scousers. Fucking hell! “Hey, you, are you Lee Mackkkkk? “Are you Lee Mackkkk-kkkkkk? “Are you fuckkkkkk? Are you fucking Lee Mackkkkk? “Hey, lookkkkk!” HE MIMICS A DOLPHIN “Are you kkkkkk? Are you kkkk? Are you fuckkkkkkk…? “Kkkkk.” MIMICS DOLPHIN “Fucking Lee Mack kkkk. “Kkkk.” [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] Knock, knock. Who’s there? Me dead nan. Right, now shut up! Can I have your shoe? Can you have my shoes? What a very honest poor heckler. “Can I have your shoes?” # Who will buy my matches? # “Can I have your shoes, Lee?” What are you doing, you weirdo? Don’t try and steal my clothes. What are you doing? You were going to steal my jacket? You are the worst criminal I’ve ever seen in the world. You’re on the front row of an event that’s being filmed for television. How less a chance could you get away with that than that? Any questions from the back? What? Genocide. I’m getting the last word, which is genocide. Is everyone getting genocide? Are we all getting genocide? All I’m hearing is, “BER BER AWIGHT, genocide.” I don’t have the rest of the question but I’m guessing it isn’t actually comedy gold. Let’s go for it anyway. Genocide. What about genocide? Is it funny? Is it funny, genocide? I laugh my tits off at genocide. What’s there not to laugh about, about genocide? How many can you kill before it stops becoming funny? I think is what I’m saying. When I said any questions, I’m genuinely scared of getting back to my hotel room tonight. It’s like this is never going to end, isn’t it? “Lee, Lee! “It’s the madwoman. I am hanging on to your window ledge. “Can I have that jacket? Can I?” “I want his shoes. Can I have your shoes? “Can I have your shoes?” “I was here first, you bitch. I want his shoes.” “I want his jacket.” “Lee, ignore them two. Is it funny, genocide? You never answered me. “Is genocide funny? Is it funny, genocide?” I’m going, you’re mental. Ladies and gentlemen from Hammersmith, you’ve been a lovely audience. Thank you very much for coming out. Thank you very much. Good night. I was watching the Lee Mack Going Out Live 2010 dvd. Im trying to find out the music the accompanied Lee’s magic act at the beginning where he locks the boys in the box. My friend works in physio and she really thinks the music would help her patients.
If you have the name of the music that would be so helpful. Thankyou | [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] Over 100 dates across the country but this is the big one, the one he’s really been looking forward to, the best town on the tour, yes, we’re here in… Hammersmith. Yes, wonderful, beautiful, amazing… Hammersmith. Famous, of course, for its fantastic… Flyover. And its absolutely superb… Bus station. And let’s not forget its brilliant, breathtaking, awe-inspiring… Cheap heroin. So, now, please welcome to the stage, Mr Lee Mack! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] I did say no kids. I don’t mess about! Read the leaflet. I don’t print them for my own good! You’ll never see him again and it’s your own fault. Let’s start with some audience participation. What’s your name, mate? Dan. Have you ever changed a light bulb? Yes? Did you do it on your own? Yes, and that’s what’s making this country so great! Let’s hear it for the Dan! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] Well done, Dan. That’s the end of the audience participation. So, how many paedophiles does it take to change a light bulb? One. It’s people like you that are ruining this country, Dan! So, this DFS sale… ..it’s dragging on a bit, innit? That one bloke who paid full whack, he must be kicking himself. Welcome to the show. New jokes, new tour. Some of them’ll work, some won’t. But like my mum used to say, if you throw enough shit, some of it will stick. I used to say, “Come on, Mum. Can’t we get a PlayStation?” There’s…there’s different types of jokes, a bit of observational, not too much. It’s too hard to write. You’re supposed to talk about stuff you’ve noticed. My problem is I don’t notice anything cos I don’t do anything. A lot of comedians will talk about going to the supermarket. I do all my stuff online. A lot of comedians will talk about their sex lives. Same problem. But at least it’s my own material. That’s the main thing. You can’t do cover versions, not in comedy. It’s not like music. Imagine if I got up here and started doing Richard Pryor’s material. It would be indefensible. Trust me, I know, I’ve tried. I got booed off stage and told by the other comedians I was a disgrace to the profession. I’ve even tried it without blacking up. [LAUGHTER] There will be some bad language. That’s the new rules of comedy, you’ve got to tell people in advance about bad language. You can’t watch a TV programme now without being warned. I’m not sure we need those warnings. People swear all the time in real life and you don’t get warned about that. It’s not like people come up to me going, “Lee, it all kicked off in the pub last night. Let me tell you about it “in a story which contains strong language from the start… “and scenes of a sexual nature… “and flashing lights. “So, there’s this prick, he gets his cock out and I hit it with a torch.” [LAUGHTER] Talking of bad language, this is true… Part of the tour, we had a signer for the deaf on stage. I learnt some swear words in sign language. For example, did you know that this is sign language for shit? I thought, that must be horrible if you’re deaf and you cut yourself shaving. Oh, shit. [HE SCREAMS] Honest to God, at one point, I said, “Bollocks.” He went like this… I said, “Mate, bollocks, not elephantitis.” I said, “If that’s bollocks, what’s juggling?” And he went… So, basically, sign language for, “Hello, can I have a look at you juggling?” Is exactly the same as, “Hello, can I have a look at your testicles?” I thought, that must be awkward if you’re a deaf children’s entertainer. [LAUGHTER] That was wanker, obviously. I can’t help thinking though, if that’s bollocks, maybe this should be wanker… [LAUGHTER] Oh, you’re back. You’re back! The kids are back. Well done, mate. I feel bad now. You missed the beginning of the show. I’ll fill you in. You haven’t missed much. Dan’s a paedophile. You were safer in the box! I’m obsessed by the whole swearing thing. In the newspapers, they do the asterisk. F, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk. We know what it says. We can still read. What’s the point in covering it up? When we get to it, we don’t go, “F-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk.” We know what it says. So they’re covering it up but we can still hear it. What’s the point? That’s like me going on Songs Of Praise and going, “Hello, Aled. I’d like to dedicate this next hymn to my father. He really was a great man. “I say great, every now and again, he was a little bit of a BLEEP. Is that all right? “Covered it up when I said it. Is that all right? Get off me! “What’s your problem? Thora Hird used to let me say it. You… “Get off me.” I’m so sorry. This is such a posh, pleasant sort of gig. What are you doing drinking? Can you drink in here? Oh, you can. I like a drink. I joined a wine club recently. We meet every morning at nine o’clock in the park. I’m obsessed with drinking. I was in the Queen’s Head recently. Prince Philip wasn’t happy. And we were talking about the phrase – “pissed as newts”. You don’t hear that any more, do you? Pissed as newts. People used to say it all the time. I’ve come to the conclusion that all the newts got together and said, “Right, lads. “We… [SLURRED SPEECH] ..are going to have to sort ourselves out, “because apparently… “we’re getting a terrible reputation.” And the other one’s gone, “What are we going to do with all this booze?” And the other one’s gone, “Oh, I don’t know. “Pour it down that rat’s arse.” [LAUGHTER] I love it when the government’s always trying to get involved. The Conservatives said, we’re going to reduce binge drinking by increasing the tax on alcopops. How’s that going to help, increasing the tax on alcopops? Two fat women lying in the gutter at two in the morning. “Are you all right, Sandra, love?” “Aye, I’m fine. “Just go and get us another bottle of hooch, you daft bitch.” “You sure yous want one?” “Aye. Why not?” “I’ll tell yous why. “You know the government have raised duty on alcopops by 12.5%?” HE GASPS “He’s what?! “That is totally disproportionate to the rate of inflation. “Especially when you consider the current fiscal quota. “12.5% increase on the already steep price of £2.70 a bottle. “Why, that’s an increase of almost 33.1 pence on every unit price. “And that sort of inflationary rise “is not just steep, it’s totally unsustainable “in a modern, Western, democratic economy. “Nah, forget it. “Go get us a bottle of water instead. “I’m going to go home and have a long hard look at my life.” [LAUGHTER] “Actually, before you go, Sandra, love. Can you give us a hand? “I think I’ve got a kebab stuck up me fanny.” [LAUGHTER] I didn’t need to use a Geordie accent. That was a stereotype. I thought I’d play safe. We haven’t got any Geordies in tonight, I assume? All right! We have! Bloody hell. Someone in London’s having an extension done. I read an interesting fact about Newcastle the other day. If you took all the chips that were eaten in Newcastle on a Friday night and put them in a pile, they would reach out and grab those chips back. It’s a fact. I read that! What’s your name, madam? Sorry? Charlene. How are you, Charlene? Nice to see you, Charlene. Can I ask you a question? How old are you? Sorry, that’s a very rude question. I meant to say, how heavy are you? Sorry. How… How old are you? 23! Wow! I’m not going to lie, this joke isn’t going to work. I thought you were older. [LAUGHTER] Perfect, you’ll do. I’m joking! We’ll edit it in, it’ll be fine. I’m joking. At least you didn’t say 29. I wouldn’t have believed you. Never trust a woman if her age ends in nine. That’s what they say. Cos if a woman says 39, they mean mid-40s. If they say 29, they mean mid-30s. If they just say nine, you shouldn’t be making enquiries. Hope you’re listening to this, Dan. I’m 41 now and I find as I’m getting older, I’m turning into my dad, cos I’ve started fancying my mum. I’m joking! He never fancied me mum. It was always me sister. Oh, come on! A bit of incest, goes back generations in our family, doesn’t do any harm. Apart from my sister’s webbed feet. We used to tease her but she got the last laugh. She was the only one who could keep away from dad in the swimming pool. I’m obsessed with age. There was a woman on the radio, 80 years old. They said, “How do you feel now you’ve turned 80?” This woman said, “I feel exactly the same now as I did when I was 14.” Everyone went, “Oh, isn’t that lovely.” Then I thought, no, it’s weird. I’m sorry, but if you feel exactly the same at 80 as you did when you were 14, you have wasted your life. You’re supposed to grow old, mature, get wise. Who wants to go to their nan and go, “What did you do today?” “I loitered outside the off-licence, bit of shoplifting, “then I got fingered behind Tesco’s.” Who wants to hear that?! Nobody! Here’s a moral question about age for you. How old do you have to be before a girl is allowed to have her ears pierced? 14. 14? Who said that? Thank you very much. That is exactly what I said and I got told I was an old fuddy-duddy and stuffy. There’s someone in this world who’s got the same morals as me. Thank you, madam. Cos my girlfriend wants to get her ears pierced, right… Is this your other half, Charlene? Yes, and is he older or younger? He’s older. Hello. How much older? [INAUDIBLE] How many years? 13 years! 23… Sorry, I’m trying to work out if that obeys the French rule. You know the French rule? Have you heard of France? The French rule? The French say you can’t go out with anyone that’s younger than half your age plus seven. They’ve all got their own rules. The Thai rule, half your age and half again. The Austrian rule, half your age and down six flights of stairs. The Chinese rule… Well, they will eventually. The Geordie rule, forget the age, count the teeth. But it’s mainly the French rule. Why we’re listening to the French, I’ll never know. I’ve never trusted the French. The things they do to us. Writing C on the hot tap… C for cold, F for fucking hot and they swap it round. I’m not an idiot. And they nick all our words, like bananas. What do they do? Get rid of the letter B, call them, ananas. And they’re horrible! They taste like pineapples. [LAUGHTER] Everyone goes on about the French, the French fancy food. “Ooh, we love fancy…” No-one really likes fancy. They pretend to like fancy food, like caviar, grown inside a sturgeon. I would rather have the fish. Truffles, sniffed from the ground by an old sow. I would rather have the pig. Oysters, collected off the ocean bed by a half-naked Filipino boy. [LAUGHTER] I prefer a takeaway. I love Subway. I love that new campaign Subway’s got. “We make the sandwich the way you want it.” I thought, that’s very generous of you. I’m glad I didn’t come when it was the old system. “Can I have a cheese sandwich, please, with tomato and mayonnaise?” No. “Why not?” “Cos that’s not the way Keith likes it.” [LAUGHTER] “Who’s Keith?” “Bloke down the road.” “Well, how does he like his cheese sandwich?” “With tomato and mayonnaise. “But no cheese.” “That’s not true, is it?” “No.” “You don’t know anyone called Keith, do you?” “No.” “What’s going on?” “We’ve run out of cheese.” [LAUGHTER] Hello, madam in the front row holding onto your bottle. Madam, how are you? Good. You just did that great thing women do in the front row, which I always like. I’ll talk to them, then they look at me and slightly glance down and back up again, thinking, “He’ll be gone when I look back.” You’re not blind, are you? That would be very awkward. Is this your other half? Are you sure you’re not blind? Only joking. You look great. I’m looking at what you’re wearing, madam. You’ve gone for a massive white belt, and this long hair with a sort of diagonal fringe. Then that grey thing, with a sort of dress over the top. It gets me very confused. I’m looking at it and I’ll be completely honest with you, I’m thinking, “What are you thinking about?” I look at you and think, “What are you thinking about?” What are you thinking about?! I don’t like it. So, good evening, welcome to the show. I’d rather be honest. I’m joking. She looks great. That was my experiment. That was my little experiment for the night. She looks great. But did you feel the tension in the room? I called Dan a paedophile, I said I once blacked up… Nothing. I don’t like what she’s wearing… “He’s a BLEEP monster!” I do like what she’s wearing, but what if I didn’t? It would be my taste against her taste. If I said, “What would you like to eat?” And she said, “Rhubarb.” And I said, “I don’t really like rhubarb.” You wouldn’t all go, “It’s kicking off! “What’s going to happen?!” If you think about it, that’s more important cos we’re talking about food, stuff you put inside your body. Which brings me onto my main point. Him. What are you thinking about?! Look at him! His hair’s different colours! Are you a local lady, madam? Where are you from? Mordor? Sorry, where are you from? Oh, you’re from Milton Keynes. I was right first time. Milton Keynes. Very nice. That’s the important thing. You’ve got to live in a nice area. It doesn’t matter about your house or your flat, it’s the area you live in. It’s like Kirstie Allsopp always says on Channel 4, “Location, location, location.” But we all know what she’s actually thinking is, “Biscuits, biscuits, biscuits.” “Oh, Phil, I don’t like these bevelled floor boards.” “Well, they were all right before you came in, Princess.” [LAUGHTER] “Come on, Kirstie. Head out of the fridge. Let’s have a look upstairs.” “Biscuits!” Did you read about that? Biscuits are the most dangerous product in the house. They cause more admissions to accident and emergency than any other product. People give a biscuit to the dog, they get bitten. They dip the biscuit in the tea, they get burnt. It’s not a laughing matter. My mum was seriously injured cos of a packet of Rich Tea biscuits. She was supposed to get me Jammy Dodgers so I punched her in the face. I live in a nice area now. I moved to the west of London. It’s quite nice but like anywhere in London you’re only ever five minutes away from a red light area or something. Not but I’ve got a problem. I don’t know what your opinion on the subject is. Personally, I’ve always thought prostitution should be cheaper. Legalised! I said legalised, by the way, not eagle eyes. I don’t think prostitutes should have eagle eyes. Maybe they should have eagle eyes and then when they go down on you, you can do that and they can keep a look out for the police. [LAUGHTER] I had to move out of the East End, though. It’s the Cockneys. I get confused with Cockneys. Cockney rhyming slang to me, it’s very confusing. It’s particularly confusing if you’re the person the Cockney rhyming slang is named after. I mean, Hank Marvin. He must spend his life introducing himself to people… [LAUGHTER] ..and people going… ..”I can get you a cheese sandwich or something.” Not everyone’s from London tonight. I can tell. Half of you knew that Hank Marvin means starving, and half of you got confused then, cos half of you think Hank has got something to do with wank. Is that the problem with that joke? I can almost hear the conversations. “I don’t get that one, Trevor. Do you?” “No, my darling. “Why give Hank Marvin a cheese sandwich if he wants to masturbate?” “I was wondering the same thing. Maybe the sandwich is for Cliff Richard. He was in The Shadows.” “Yes. He’s all right, this fella, but he’s no Jethro, is he?” “No, he’s not.” “He’s trying hard. He is trying hard.” There’s lots of famous people in Cockney rhyming slang now. Samantha Janus. She’s Cockney rhyming slang. She is, officially. Oh, good, you got that one. She’s changed it now. She sometimes says, “Samantha Jan-us.” You can’t change your surname cos it sounds like something rude! Ask my mate, Billy Hucked-Her-Up-The-Arsehole. He’s not been able to change his name, just cos Billy rhymes with Willy. What are the rules?! It’s a rip-off, living in London. I rung up for some car insurance the other day. I said, “How much would it be to insure my car?” This bloke said, “Do you park it in the street?” I said, “Yeah, I’m having problems squeezing it into the spare room.” He said, “As opposed to a garage?” I said, “Yes, I park it in the street.” He said, “Is it a well-lit street?” I said, “No, it’s a dark street.” He said, “Oh, dear. Have you got any security on it? Any car alarms?” I said, “Nothing.” He said, “What area in London do you live in?” So I told him my address and he came round and nicked it. Rip-off! You go to the mechanics… Do this one. I love this. It’s my favourite practical joke. I did this last week. I said, “There’s something wrong with my car. It keeps going…” [WHIRRING] He said, “That’s your clutch.” I said, “No, it’s not the clutch. It keeps going…” [WHIRRING] He said, “Yeah, hat’s your clutch.” I said, “No, it’s not. It keeps going…” [WHIRRING] He said, “It’s your clutch! I said, “Will you stop interrupting me? “I’ve got a stutter.” [LAUGHTER] “It keeps going… WHIRRING “..really slowly up hills!” [LAUGHTER] He said, “Yeah, that’s your clutch.” [LAUGHTER] I hate the rip-off you get in London. You get it all over Britain now, the hard sell on the phone. “Do you want to switch your gas to the electric? Switch your electric…” I’m taking this off, can’t sustain this for an hour. [WOLF WHISTLE] Don’t patronise me. I know it hasn’t worked out. I bought the suit, looked at myself in the shop and I thought, “I’ve got a bit of the Al Pacinos going on.” I looked backstage and realised I’ve ended up looking like a very unsuccessful regional snooker player. [LAUGHTER] The telephone hard sell is the worst in the world. This is a true story. I was lying in bed the other day with a hangover. Yeah, it’s awful when your cock’s so big it won’t stay in the bed. [LAUGHTER] I’m glad I didn’t say a stinking hangover. And I knew straightaway this bloke was trying to sell me something with his opening line cos he said, “Hello, sir. How are you today?” I said, “No, thank you.” He genuinely got the hump and said, “No, thank you what?” I said, “Sorry. No, thank you, please.” He said, “I’m phoning from EDF.” I said, “I’m not interested.” He said, “I haven’t told you what it is yet.” I said, “I know why you’re ringing. “To offer me a free season ticket to Wembley, plus unlimited access “to dirty Brenda’s all-night knocking shop with as many chocolate hobnobs as I can eat.” He said, “No, I’m not. I’m ringing to talk about your domestic fuel bills.” I said, “Well, why didn’t you say that in the first place?! “Keep talking, son.” He said, “Well, sir…” cos he didn’t get the sarcasm. He said, “How would you feel about paying less for your gas?” I said, “Honestly?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “I reckon, I’d feel exactly the same “but I’d be paying less for my gas.” He said, “Can I ask, who’s your current supplier?” I said, “It’s Gypsy Dave, he comes round on a moped every Thursday.” I said, “Sorry! I thought you meant electricity.” I said, “It’s British Gas.” He said, “Can I ask why you chose them, sir?” I said, “Well, it’s a funny story. “I needed some gas and I live in Britain, and I don’t know “what it was but they seemed to be ticking all the right boxes.” At this point, he genuinely got the hump. He said, “I’ll phone someone else who’ll answer my questions less sarcastically.” “You can. They’ll be less sarcastic. They’ll probably stay on the phone longer, “but they’ll end up saying no anyway. “I don’t know who’s providing your current rejection “but if you switch to me, I would combine the sarcasm “with the rejection and save you 15% a year on your cold-calling time.” Do you know what he did then? He tried to offer me Nectar points! Let me tell you something about Nectar points. I spent the last two years collecting Nectar points. Do you know how many I’ve got? Enough for a tiny little jar of honey! I’d be better off collecting nectar! I’m glad you laughed at that joke because I did it in Ireland a month ago and it got fuck all. We did Dublin for two nights. I did the same joke. Get off stage, a bloke went, “You know that joke about the Nectar points and the honey? “I know why it didn’t get a laugh.” I went, “Why?” He went, “They don’t have Nectar points in Ireland.” What are you telling me now for after the gig? Wipe that smirk off your face! He said, “Don’t worry. Tomorrow night, say Tesco points.” I don’t know what’s worse. The fact he suggested that or the fact that half of you are now staring at me going, “Well, what happened? Did it work?” “Did it work the next night? What about Asda points? “They’ve all got an Asda. Come on, mate, stay with it. Go on. “Don’t leave us hanging.” Cos that’s how they speak in London. Sorry for locking you in the box, by the way, lads. Sorry about that. What’s your name, mate? Nathan. Nafan? N-A-F-A-N, yeah? And, er… How old are you, Nafan? 12. 12. Wow. Did you have a nice Easter? Was it under the plant pot? It’s always under the plant pot, isn’t it! And, um… Do you, er… Do you like music? What kind of music are you into? Rock. Rock. I like rock. I like U2, they’re my favourite rock band. There was a documentary the other day about U2. Does anybody know the real name of Bono, the lead singer? It’s not his real name, obviously. Does anyone know what Bono’s real name is? Wanker! Calm it down, Tourette’s man, I’ll be with you in a minute. You see that documentary about Tourette’s? How funny was that? They’ve given him a dog now! How’s that possibly going to help, does he blame the dog? “Fuck off! Not me, Charlie. “Cheeky Charlie, talking to the nice lady like that. Shit-flaps! “Come on, sit down. No sausages!” They put him next to the busiest dual carriageway with a dog, and he’s got Tourette’s. “It was awful, he just stood there the whole time going, “Come on! Wait. “Come on! Wait. Come on! Wait.” The dog’s going, “I hate being your dog! “Giving me fucking Tourette’s.” So, yes, the real name of the… The lead singer was Paul what? Paul Hewson. Paul Hewson, right. It’s not a joke. I just want to make sure that turd in a box goes to the right address, cos I’m not a fan. I like The Edge, or as he’s known in France, L’Edge. At least they’ve learnt their number one lesson – never sing in your own accent. That would just sound awful, wouldn’t it? The only part of the world that hasn’t learnt this is Manchester. They insist on northernering it up, like Elbow. [NORTHERN ACCENT] # Blinking in the morning sun… # Look at me, I’m a fucking northerner. # I’m blinking in the morning sun # I’m blinking in the morning sun. # Oasis were the worst, of course. # In the sunshiiiiiiine! # That bloke was constipated with Manchesterness. That’s why he had to leave. He did a massive poo and it was all over. # In the sun… # Bwwwrrpt! “Oh, I say, that feels a lot better, Noel. “I’m off. Toodle-pip.” 10CC – they were from Manchester. 10CC didn’t sing in a northern accent, did they? Then again, you can’t sing that classic song I’m Not in Love with a northern accent. [NORTHERN ACCENT] “I’m not in, love! I’m not in, love! “Brian! I’m not in, love! “I’m in the shed.” “What are you doing in there?” “It’s just a silly phase I’m going through.” Talking of music, I’ve been hobnobbing with the stars. When I say hobnobbing with the stars, I don’t mean eating chocolate biscuits with Kerry Katona. That’s a battle you’re never going to win. It was a few years ago. It was, actually, true story, the last one-night stand I had before I met my current wife, or as I should probably start calling her, wife. It’s a true story. I had a one-night stand with a very famous pop star. I don’t mind telling you who it was. It was with the pop star, Pink. True story. It is! It IS! The weird thing was I didn’t even fancy her, but I’m a massive fan of snooker and six points is six points, isn’t it? I was going through a weird phase that year – trying to sleep with everyone represented on the snooker table. I slept with Sarah Greene, Sarah Brown, the boy band Blue. I even changed my sexuality to achieve my targets. You think that’s odd? I shagged Cilla Black! You know what they say – once you’ve had black, you never go back. I couldn’t think of anything for yellow so I just had a wank while watching The Simpsons. The only downside is in-between every colour I had to sleep with Mick Hucknall from Simply Red. But it’s a very sad time for music. A very sad time because of the death of Michael Jackson and, er… [SOME LAUGHTER] You get these comedians, don’t you, who do these cheap and pathetic jokes about Michael but you won’t be getting that from me, ladies and gentlemen, because… ..because Michael was a… because Michael was a mentor… HYSTERICAL [LAUGHTER] Fuck off, it’s the serious bit! Sorry. Michael was a… [LAUGHTER] Get out and show some respect. In fact, do both. Get out the whole way like this, all the way to the door. You’re talking about the man I love! The things that were said about Michael – the lies, the untruths. Makes me sick. I was reading today on the internet, right, on his wikipaedophile page… Wikipedia! ..the lies, the things people say about him. “He was on drugs.” Oh, he was on drugs, was he? You’re talking about a man who didn’t even have sugar in his coffee. Do you know why? Because he was sweet enough. Didn’t even have milk in his coffee. Do you know what amazed me about Michael Jackson’s death? This country must hold the world record for the shortest bereavement a country has ever had. I timed it. From the announcement of the death to the first joke text. 22 seconds! “I heard he had a stroke in the children’s ward.” What is it about technology that turns you into the sickest f… in the world? Will somebody tell me when it became socially acceptable to send pictures of dwarves fucking ponies to everybody else in the office? When did that become normal? Yes, it’s on a computer but it’s still a photograph, you freaks! We couldn’t do that before computers. “What have you brought into the office?” “I brought a photograph, boss.” “Do show us, it’ll be such fun.” “What’s that, you weirdo? I hate computers. It’s all the little terminology that they use. The little terminology. I rung up for some help the other day on my website. I said, “I can’t get into my website.” This bloke said, “Have you tried disabling cookies?” I said, “I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.” It’s a nice spotty dress you’ve got on there, madam. It’s very spotty, isn’t it? I’m not looking at your tits. I’m trying to find out if I’m colour blind. What’s your name, madam? Liz. Liz. Know what I’m thinking of being? A quiz show host. Think I could make it? Are you feeling lucky, Liz? Cross your fingers. Are you superstitious? Superstition. Like my sister. When we were kids, she was so superstitious she wouldn’t even have 13 as her unlucky number because she said it would crop up too much in life. She decided that her unlucky number was going to be 737. She died in a plane crash. This is the rules, Liz. I’ll give you the names of three famous people. I want you to tell me where they were born. The clue is in the name of the person. The clue’s in the name of the person and you tell me where they were born. Here we go. It’s football. Looking for the name of the country – the footballer, Stephen Ireland. Where was he born? Stephen Ireland. We’re looking for the name of a country. Where was he born? Ireland! Ireland! She’s got the first one right, let’s hear it for Liz. You can do this, Liz. The second one is the poet, John Welsh? John Welsh. Where was he born? What country? Wales! Wales! That’s two, come on! You can do this, here we go. For tonight’s star prize. OK. No shouting out, you can ask the people around you. Here we go. The name of an island. We’re looking for the name of an island. It’s the soul singer, Barry White. Where was he born? The soul singer. It’s the name of an island. Barry White. Barry White, where was he born? The Isle of Wight? The Isle of Wight! She’s got… No, she’s got it wrong. Barry Island. You were that close, weren’t you? Don’t worry, I’ll give you another chance. We played the porn star name game on the tour. The best porn star name gets a prize. You know the porn star name game – it’s your first pet and mother’s maiden name. You play those rules? Yes, you do. What was your first pet, Liz? This could be your moment. What was your first pet? This could be comedy gold. What was your first pet? A dog. A dog. Not… The name of the pet! First you didn’t hear the Isle of Wight and now you can’t… That’s not going to work as a porn star name, is it? “Hey, baby, what’s your name?” “A dog!” “A dog!” What was the name of the dog? Harry. Harry, perfect. Harry! You’ve had the last five minutes to think. You could have said Fluffy or Trixie or Pussy, no, no, no. What do we get? “Harry. Deal with that.” I hope to God your mother’s maiden name is Fuck-flaps, otherwise this is going nowhere. I don’t know why I bother playing the porn star name game. Honest to God, I said to my wife recently, “What’s your porn star name?” My wife said, “Anal Ventures.” I said, “Love, your first pet was not called Anal. “Your mother’s maiden name is not Ventures. “Play the game.” She said, “What game?” I was lying in bed, right, with my wife, the other day, and… ..we were talking about… sexual fantasies. And I said…that during sex, I’d always quite liked the idea of… ..you know… turning into Leonard Rossiter. “Have you… Have you…” “Have you…” “Have you…” “Have you… Have you…” “Do you ev… C…can I…” “Can I stick it up your Miss Jones?” And… I said I’d… I’d always quite liked the idea of… you know, getting someone else involved. And she said, “No chance! You can carry on doing it on your own.” That’s the problem after a while, it’s the romance that goes, isn’t it? You do your best, but it goes. It always backfires when I do my best. I said, “What do you mean, more romantic?” She went, “Surprise me, come home with wine, a DVD, write secret notes.” The next night, I came back with a bottle of Blue Nun and a porno film and I wrote a note on the door saying, “Do not disturb,” right? Still nothing. So I made the effort. I thought, “I’ll be romantic, I’ll take her away.” I’d been saying it for ages, I finally did something about it. Actions speak louder than words. Not always, obviously. Not if you want to say, “Look out for that truck!” Use words, obviously. The last thing you want to see just before you die is a man playing charades. “Five words, first word…” “Oh, you bastard.” There’s loads of phrases I’ve never understood. “One swallow does not make a summer.” It’s a bloody nice start, though, be honest. So, I take her to Westwood Ho!, right? Westward Ho!, famous for being the only place name in Britain with a punctuation mark at the end. Apart from Newcastle, it’s got a question mark. I take her to Westwood Ho! We’re on the beach. Do you ever do that thing where you have a debate and it turns out to be a big row? A nice friendly debate, a big row. I thought I’d made a good point. We’re walking along the beach and I said, “Interesting, isn’t it? “That if a woman walks down the beach and she was wearing bra and knickers, “people would think she’s mental. “They’d probably shout stuff out at her, give her abuse. “And yet, if a woman walks down the beach in a bikini, “no-one says anything. “And if you think about it, a bikini is effectively bra and knickers. “So with that theory, you should be able to walk down the beach “in bra and knickers, and have no-one say anything.” And she said, “I don’t care! Take them off!” She’s got a point about the romance thing. It’s very hard to show your romance as a bloke. Very hard to show any emotions at all, to be honest. I’ve got this theory – women, when they have Botox, they can’t show any emotions or expressions. Blokes should have the complete opposite and have a permanent emotion etched onto their face for life. You could have any one you want, but you’re stuck with it forever. I’d have confusion. I like the idea of spending me whole life walking around like this. “You all right, Lee?” “Yeah, I’m fine, why does everyone keeps asking me that?” You and your mates could have different emotions and have every situation covered. “Really? Five quid for a pint of lager, you must be joking. “Steve, get over here.” Talking of facelifts and Botox, I’ll tell you who gets a lot of criticism for that – Anne Robinson. Let me tell you – she’s a close showbiz friend of mine – she’s never had Botox or a facelift. People don’t realise that she’s got a massive bulldog clip on the back of her head, and if you take that bulldog clip off, it turns out she’s Harry Redknapp. That’s fact! Sweating like a pig. We all right over there? I forgot about this whole section. What’s your name, madam? Sam? You all right, Sam? Is this your other half next to you? Yes. Have you got kids? Three kids, isn’t that lovely? I’ll be honest, right, I always wanted three kids, but now we’ve got two, I only want one. It’s not easy, having that second kid, is it? We’ve had to get a live-in nanny, because that dead one wasn’t working out. What are your kids called? Ellis? Nice name. Erin? There’s a theme here, isn’t there? “And elephant!” He’s the ugliest one. And what’s the third one? Na-than. “Na-than. Na-than.” Yeah? Are they good kids? Very good. That’s good, you’ve got to have good kids. My kids are completely different. One’s audacious, sprightly, over-zealous, effusive. The other one, we went for a more traditional name, John. “Audacious-Sprightly-Over-zealous- Effusive not going to be happy growing up with that name, is he? But John, she’s going to be livid! It’s hard, having kids. You’ve always got to do the right thing. It’s so difficult. The other day, my five-year-old, he was crying his eyes out. I walked in, I said, “Are you all right?” He went, “No, I’m scared.” I said, “What are you scared of?” How heartbreaking is this? “I’m scared of a third world war.” [AUDIENCE] Aw-w! I know. I picked that little fella up and I held him tightly. I said, “Son, you don’t have to be scared of that, “I’ve seen Comic Relief and I reckon if it all does kick off, “I don’t think the Third World are up for it.” Don’t get me wrong, I do my bit for charity. My attitude to charity has always been, “You give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, “but you teach a man to fish, you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?” Old northern proverb. We always get the blame. Parents have always got the blame. It doesn’t matter who they are. When Paris Hilton first hit the headlines my mate said, “I blame the parents.” I thought, “There’s so much you can teach a child, then they’re on their own.” You’re tucking your daughter up in bed, “There you go, lots of love, nightie night. “Don’t forget everything I’ve taught you in life. “Always say your prayers before bedtime, “always eat your vegetables and don’t forget, “always play out nicely with your friends. “All right, darling? Nightie night. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. “Nightie night. Go to sleep now. “(Go to sleep. Go to sleep.]” “Oh… one other thing… “When you grow up, “don’t fuck someone, film it and put it on the internet. “That’s it, blow the lightie out.” We don’t do the prayers thing. We’re not a religious family. We not anti-religious, we just haven’t made our minds up yet. The text of the Bible is a bit confusing and old-fashioned, because people don’t speak like that any more, do they? Like the Noah story. It rain for 40 days and 40 nights. People don’t speak like that any more. You don’t have to say both, or split them up. Why don’t they say, “It rained for 40 days”? We don’t need the full sentence. People don’t talk like that. On a Friday, you don’t say to your mates, “I’ll see you in a few days, and a few nights. What? “Nothing!” You don’t have to separate them. We’ll understand. If I said to you lot, “I haven’t slept for 40 days,” you’d rush me to hospital. If on the way, I said, “Obviously, I’ve been sleeping at night,” you’d beat the shit out of me. You’ve got to give them a good education, the kids, haven’t you? Got any students in tonight? [CHEERING] Up the top, with your hands up – What’s your name, madam? Are you the northern lady? Panicking because there’s someone educated in the building. “Student, run, she’ll try and talk to me!” God bless you for running like that. Everywhere else in the world, people walk out of theatres like this. One northern woman in the front, “I’m off! “I’m from up north and I don’t give a fuck!” What’s your name up there? Ian. What are you studying? Catering. Catering? Patisserie. Patisserie? Oh, you’re back, are you, madam? Just on time, we’re talking about pies. She’s northern! I meant pies, Northern, she’s from Wigan! No, I’m not. Where are you from? St Helens. St Helens? Ever meet anyone that’s so Lancastrian like you, it’s like you’re not playing at the right speed? [HE SPEAKS SLOWLY] “Do you mind, I’m from St Helens, not Wigan!” You’re supposed to be on 45, you’re playing it on 33. Play it properly, and just going to toilet. I’m from up north, and I don’t give a fuck! Oh, did someone say pies? Oh, fuck that. Hey, did someone say pies? Can you put it on 45? I’m playing at the wrong speed, Gromit. Good that you’re educating yourself, Ian, well done. That’s brilliant. You want to do something with your life and to educating yourself, and I commend you for that. Do you know where I studied, Ian? The University of Life! Know what I learnt there, mate? I learnt about pain and sorrow! I learnt how to survive off 10 quid a week or you go hungry. I learnt how to fiddle the gas meter otherwise you go cold in winter. I learnt misery and pain! I learnt if someone puts a knife to your throat at two in the morning, how you survive that situation. I learnt misery and pain and sorrow! Sorry, it wasn’t the University of Life, it was the University of Fife, sorry. It’s good you’re learning. Most kids don’t want to know anything. Kids don’t want education any more. They don’t want to go anywhere. All they want to do is sit in front of their computers. When we were kids, it was different. We used to have energetic games, didn’t we? Wasn’t it brilliant? Who here used to play Knock Down Ginger? It was great, wasn’t it? Driving round, looking for the ginger kid. There’s a whole family of them, Steve. Get on the pavement. I’m allowed to do jokes like that, by the way, because my wife’s ginger. Before you ask, she’s ginger upstairs and downstairs. It doesn’t matter what room she goes in, she’s fucking ginger. She can’t shake it off. It’s like a curse. Right, get back out again! What’s your name, mate? Pete. Pete? What do you do, Pete? Builder. Builder. Speed should have told me that. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Sorry about this. Traffic, love. Not my fault. It was the traffic, love. Not my fault. It’s different when we were kids, wasn’t it? Simple games. Energetic games. Musical statues. Yeah? Dressing up games. If we were really lucky, Dad would combine both. He’d dress me up as a little girl, put some callipers on my legs, give me a money box and see how still I could stand outside the newsagent’s. My brother was down the road, dressed as a Labrador with a hole in his head. Simple, happy times! You’ve got to watch kids TV with the kids, right? They don’t watch what I want to watch. I don’t watch University Challenge any more. I’ve given up with it. Is it me or are the questions getting harder and harder with every series? It’s got to the point now, honestly, where I give myself a point if I understand what the question means. I swear to God this is true. I once shouted out, Henry VIII, and the answer was nitrogen. How is that possible? You’ve got to watch kids’ adverts with the kids. Kids’ adverts are mental. Cereal adverts. They break all the other rules of traditional advertising. What other product would say the following sentence as if it was a positive? “It even turns your milk brown.” Ooh, thank fuckety-do for that. That white stuff’s been doing my head in. You don’t get that with other products, do you? Benson & Hedges. Even turns your fingers yellow. Stella Artois, even turns your wife black and blue. I hate the hard sell. The worst one’s that barman. He does the drink and work campaign – he does the monologue. He does different characters and shows that bloke the problems he’ll have if he has that extra pint. You know the advert, the bloke stands there and goes, “What can I get you?” “Step out of the vehicle and blow into the bag.” “I’m sorry, son, it’s company policy. I’ve got to let you go.” “There’s only 20,000 miles on the clock but it’s my final offer.” “No licence, no job, no holidays, no home, no car, no running, “no jumping, no diving, no heavy petting. Noel Edmonds. Noel Gallagher. What are we going to do?” “What can I get you?” “I only wanted a fucking packet of pork scratchings!” If you want to watch proper mental television though, watch CBeebies. My kids are obsessed with CBeebies. There’s one woman on CBeebies they absolutely love. Right? It’s the women with half an arm. Do you know this woman? She’s brilliant, this woman. My kids love her, right. She’s the best… Honest to God, people complained about this woman. People of this country complained that that women shouldn’t be allowed on television because it’s scaring the kids. How wrong was that?! For those that don’t know the story, this woman’s got half her arm missing from the elbow down, right? I didn’t need to say the second half of that sentence! She’s got half her arm missing, right? You knew which half, didn’t you? Even the builder knew! You knew. It was the other half, didn’t you? In fact, it would be fair to say, if it was the other half, it’s probably fair that people are ringing in complaining it’s scaring the kids. Hello, boys and girls, what’s in my box today? Let’s have a look. It’s only my other half a fucking arm. Oh, Mummy, Mummy, she’s doing it again! People complain, saying she shouldn’t be allowed on television. How wrong is that? Politically and morally incorrect. She is genuinely the best presenter on CBeebies. My kids love her. Most importantly, if we get rid of her, I miss out on my favourite game of the day – making up stories to my kids about how she lost that arm. I won’t go into detail but let’s just say the little one has stopped picking his nose. I’ll tell you what else we’ve started doing – me and my wife – this weird thing. Nobody likes rowing in front of kids. It’s wrong to row in front of little ones. Me and my wife, for some bizarre reason, have started singing the row. This started about a year ago, right? We were on a train going to EuroDisney with the two kids. Suddenly, we broke down and didn’t move for two-and-a-half hours. It was stifling hot. Suddenly my wife turned round to me and went, # “Told you we should have got the plane.” # I said, “Oh no you don’t.” You said “Get the train.” I said, “Get the plane.” # “No, no, no. You’re doing it again, you see. # “You can’t fucking remember…” # “Don’t fucking start swearing at me, you know it fucking winds me up.” # “But now you’re fucking…” # “Don’t fucking tell me what the fucking…” # It’s like a musical version of Tourette’s in our house half the time. # “You said get the train” “Don’t tell me what I fucking…” # “What you fucking do is raise your fucking voice to me…” # “You said, “Get the train.” # “I didn’t fucking say get the fucking train. You’re just like your mum! # “Don’t bring my fucking mum into fucking this!” # We think the kids can’t notice. We look in the aisle. They’ve got top hats and canes and they’re going… # Dad’s such a BLEEP! He’s such a fucking BLEEP! # Thanks for coming out and listening to my new jokes. New tour. One joke – my favourite joke – hasn’t been working on the tour. I thought, they’re wrong, I’m right. OK. I think it’s a brilliant joke. No pressure then, Lee. I’ve always wanted to kidnap the ex-professional tennis player, Pat Cash. Just so, that after his family pay the ransom, I can ring them up and say, “Do you want cashback?” I knew that was all right. It’s all right, isn’t it? Yes. So, have you got any questions? Sorry, what was that? LONDON ACCENT: What makes you laugh? What makes me laugh? Someone who sounds like she’s working on a fruit and veg stall in the East End. Know what I mean, love? Know what I mean? I love it when someone’s got that Cockney accent. The more friendly they get, the more threatening it sounds. HE SPEAKS SOFTLY: “Hello, Lee, how you doing? You all right? Nice to see you. “How’s your mum, is she all right? “Good. It’s all you need, isn’t it? Your mum, yes, and your health. “How’s your health? Your health for her. “That’s all you need, your mum and your health and your legs. “How’s your legs? You got legs? Yeah. “Do you want to keep your fucking legs? Do you want to keep your legs? “How are you, Lee? Are you all right? “Yeah, anyway, I’ve got to go now. “I’ve got to build the wall. See you later.” Questions from the top. Quiet, please. I’m a bit disappointed… You’re a bit disappointed because of what? You haven’t spoken about your dead nan. I haven’t spoken about my dead nan. You’re disappointed. You sound like a really classy girl. What a great Scouse accent as well! I love it when someone’s so Scouse, they sound like they’re turning into a dolphin. Proper Scousers. Fucking hell! “Hey, you, are you Lee Mackkkkk? “Are you Lee Mackkkk-kkkkkk? “Are you fuckkkkkk? Are you fucking Lee Mackkkkk? “Hey, lookkkkk!” HE MIMICS A DOLPHIN “Are you kkkkkk? Are you kkkk? Are you fuckkkkkkk…? “Kkkkk.” MIMICS DOLPHIN “Fucking Lee Mack kkkk. “Kkkk.” [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] Knock, knock. Who’s there? Me dead nan. Right, now shut up! Can I have your shoe? Can you have my shoes? What a very honest poor heckler. “Can I have your shoes?” # Who will buy my matches? # “Can I have your shoes, Lee?” What are you doing, you weirdo? Don’t try and steal my clothes. What are you doing? You were going to steal my jacket? You are the worst criminal I’ve ever seen in the world. You’re on the front row of an event that’s being filmed for television. How less a chance could you get away with that than that? Any questions from the back? What? Genocide. I’m getting the last word, which is genocide. Is everyone getting genocide? Are we all getting genocide? All I’m hearing is, “BER BER AWIGHT, genocide.” I don’t have the rest of the question but I’m guessing it isn’t actually comedy gold. Let’s go for it anyway. Genocide. What about genocide? Is it funny? Is it funny, genocide? I laugh my tits off at genocide. What’s there not to laugh about, about genocide? How many can you kill before it stops becoming funny? I think is what I’m saying. When I said any questions, I’m genuinely scared of getting back to my hotel room tonight. It’s like this is never going to end, isn’t it? “Lee, Lee! “It’s the madwoman. I am hanging on to your window ledge. “Can I have that jacket? Can I?” “I want his shoes. Can I have your shoes? “Can I have your shoes?” “I was here first, you bitch. I want his shoes.” “I want his jacket.” “Lee, ignore them two. Is it funny, genocide? You never answered me. “Is genocide funny? Is it funny, genocide?” I’m going, you’re mental. Ladies and gentlemen from Hammersmith, you’ve been a lovely audience. Thank you very much for coming out. Thank you very much. Good night. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/robin-williams-weapons-of-self-destruction-transcript/ | Robin Williams: Weapons of Self Destruction (2009) – Full Transcript | robin williams | In this comedy special taped at DAR Constitution Hall, his first solo special on the network in seven years, Williams covers such topics as global warming, sex and politics, the state of health care in the country (suggesting a cash for clunkers program for elderly relatives, among other things), drugs – recreational and otherwise – and more personal topics, including his recent heart surgery. Original Air Date on December 6, 2009 * * * [audience cheering, applauding] [rock music playing] Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome Robin Williams! [cheering] No! Please. Sit down! Thank you! Thank you! What’s up, D.C.? Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! [cheering, hooting] Wow, thank you. Mmm. Thank you. Please, I’ve had heart surgery. Thank you. It’s nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it’s handed out to A.I.G. and many other people. Now… I have the new Timothy Geithner $20-bill. It’s just been printed, kind of neat. Instead of “in god we trust,” It just says “trust me.” And it says “spend before Tuesday.” And also instead of Andrew Jackson, it has the little man from monopoly going– and I know many of you have been looking for Sarah Palin’s book. It is a bitch to find. Good luck. I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction in the fantasy aisle. It was kind of fun. Wonderful. Do you get– do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, In high school she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one? Do you think that might’ve been– she’s pretty wild. Baby, I love her. And also, Oprah– Oprah has retired– Is gonna retire her show. Please say it isn’t so! Oprah’s gonna retire her show. I hope she’s not bummed out about losing the Olympics. I hope that’s not it. It wasn’t really fair. Chicago sent Oprah and Michelle, Brazil sent 50 strippers and a pound of blow. It’s like, what? Do you think the Olympic committee was going “Oprah? Shaved pussy? Oprah, would you– okay, we’re gonna have to go this way.” And who the fuck thinks that Rio is safer than Chicago?! My God. They’re gonna have to make kidnapping and waxing Olympic events. Degree of difficulty: 5.3. [mimics ripping noises] But it is interesting. They have the Winter Olympics in Vancouver and the torch is heading across Canada right now and already in B.C. they’re lighting torches going– [choked] “we’re waiting.” Come on, you folks who just came from Capitol Hill. Come on down. Where do you go? How are you, my friends? Grab some seats. – You were caught in– – [audience shouting] What? – [woman shouts] – that’s your old boss? Did you fuck him? Sorry. Okay. Not an inappropriate question to ask in Washington. No. And he’s going, “no! No! She was just a page, it’s okay!” And it was weird. In California this summer all the State Parks caught on fire which was sad because these parks are full of weed. It’s bad news. It’s like– even the guys fighting the fires are like… [laughing] “fuck! Oh my God! Make another rainbow, Tommy! Oh my God!” It’s weird. Even Smokey the Bear was going, “only you can– Shit, I knew this. Fuck.” And California weed is kick-ass fucking weed. This is weed that even Jamaicans go, “oh, don’t smoke that weed, man.” It’s California catatonic. It’s the type of weed you hit it and it’s like… Fuck! Shit! I’m not doing something. What is it? Oh right, breathe! [exhales] And you get so stoned, you end up sitting on your couch for a week to the point where your cat’s going, “get up, you asshole! I’ve been eating my own shit for the last two days! I know I’m mellow, but this is fucking ridiculous!” And if they legalize it, they’re going to have to regulate it and they’re going to have to a warning on a box of joints. It’s going to have to say, “Surgeon General has determined this will make your music awesome. Even Yanni. And if you thought you enjoyed cartoons before…” and if they’re gonna have ads– they’re gonna have ads and it’ll be like instead of the Marlboro man, it’ll be the Mendocino man. It’ll be a cowboy on the back of a horse going, “shit, am I thirsty. God damn.” Even the horse will be going, “I don’t know where the fuck I am. God damn, I got a little cotton mouth here. God damn it.” And the weird fucking thing with these weather systems– the storms right now have been fucking insane. Kick-ass tornados in the midwest. It used to be in the midwest when you had a tornado, it was like everybody get in the root cellar. Not anymore. You fuckers are like “get a video camera! Get outside! Film it, Bobby!” How’s the tornado? “it just blew my pants off. Keep shooting. Fuckin’-a!” You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing. Someone’s losing their trailer, number one. It’s like, mmm! God damn! The hurricanes have been getting bigger and fucking bigger. And they usually give them names that don’t really inspire fear. Like hurricane Terrence does not inspire fear. This sounds like a slightly gay hurricane. Where are you going? “I might go to Boca. I might go to South Beach. I don’t know. All I know is blowing is involved. Yes!” And they should name the hurricanes After the people it’s gonna be fucking with. If it’s going to Texas– hurricane Billy Ray. Come on now. What are you gonna do? “fuck shit up! That’s what goes on.” If it’s off the coast of Miami– hurricane Bernie. “hello! He took our 401k. The goniff’s coming back for the house. Move out! Let’s fucking go!” And when they named a hurricane Hurricane Ike, I went, finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack-smoking, wife-beating motherfucker. Yeah! Even Tina Turner would go, “you’d better get your shit and get out of the house. ’cause Ike never does anything nice and easy. Never.” And the hurricanes have been getting so big that even the guy on the weather channel is freaked out. He’s going, “okay, let’s go to our new hurricane weather map– Fuck! This is hurricane Shavon. The map is the entire South The asshole in the middle is Dallas. Um, crazy. Back to you, Ted. I just shit myself.” And they always go down to some poor fuckers on the coast in the middle of the storm hoing, “Carl, how’s it down there on the coast?” “not bad! Seems to be kicking up!” And then there’s always the aftermath where they interview some family standing in the wreckage of their beach house and they’re always going like, “hurricane came and tore everything up. And we had just rebuilt.” Time out. How often do you rebuild? “every year.” Why do you rebuild here? “we love the view.” Well, you may want to get some styrofoam furniture that goes up and fucking down. Some things that you can hose off maybe. But the weird thing is, I can’t give them shit. I like in California. I live on God’s etch-a-sketch. It’s crazy. We have earthquakes every other day. And you get kind of blasé. Like, “oh, fuck. 2.5, not bad. Oh, shit! 5.8. Maybe we should have drinks outsides. Let’s go.” And they always talk about the big one. I was in a 7.5 earthquake. That was a “fuck me” moment. That was a– [screams] And they went, “that was not the big one.” Really? Well, what will the big one be? “well, in the big one, if there is the big earthquake, Nevada will be wine country, number one.” And when will the big one be? “well, we have a window of opportunity.” Well, what will that be? “could be tomorrow… or 10,000 years from now.” Well, thanks for the fucking heads-up. The only warning you have is if your cat is spread-eagle in the doorway like– [howls] get the fuck out. And if your parrot starts going, “pack the car! Pack the car! Food and water! Food and water!” Also, if you have a parrot, do not leave them in the bedroom. They hear everything. All of the sudden you’ll have guests over for dinner and the parrot will go “not the ass.” whoa-ho-ho! Petey! [chuckles] he’s been watching porn again. “fuck me, Teddy! Fuck me hard!” Honey, who’s Teddy? Hmm. And the weird thing is you try and do your part to reduce your carbon footprint. And if you have a hybrid, God bless you, sweet cars. But especially if you drive them outside a major city, you get into little cities especially in the South, it becomes kind of interesting. you pull into a small gas station, it’s like, “what the fuck is this? Bobby, get over here. It’s one of them new inbreds! Look at this motherfucker. Shit, looks like Volkswagen fucked a golf cart. God damn. I did not hear you come in. You may want to put some cards in the spokes of your wheels so you make some fucking noise.” That’s why there’s not gonna be any NASCAR hybrid race. A NASCAR hybrid race would be like, “here they come.” [blowing softly] And I love the guys who say, “I watch NASCAR for the racing.” Yeah, I watch porn for the acting. You liar! You watch NASCAR to see team viagra spin out in flames and the guy get out with his pubes on fire going, “I’m okay!” And there was a guy in the South who said, “they should have NASCAR in the Olympics.” And it was like, mm-hmm. At that moment ever Darwin was going, “come with me.” This is the ascent of man. You stand here. But it’s weird too. If you recycle, God bless you. You recycle, good for you, congratulations. But if you recycle, there is one group who is really pissed off. That group are the raccoons. They are going through your recycling like, [irish accent] “what the fuck is this shit? Where are the hefty bags? The piñata of life that used to feed an entire fucking family? This is glass and plastic. I can’t digest this shit, you green asshole! I’m spreading this shit all over your lawn! I’m taking a dump in your pool too.” I don’t know why I made the raccoons Irish, but it works. Now… and they’re ballsy little motherfuckers too. You turn on the light, they look at you like, “what the fuck you gonna do? I got a skunk as backup. Don’t make me call him.” And they’ve got those little jazz paws. “jazz paws!” They can open doors, cabinets. I’m amazed you don’t come home and find them on the computer going, “I’m ordering shit. How you doing? The dog knows I’m here. I locked him in the fucking closet. He’s an idiot. Too late.” And the deer in California have total amnesty ’cause they know no one’s gonna cap their ass and strap them to the front of a Ranger Rover and go downtown for a mocha. They walk through your yard like supermodels with hooves. Like, “hi. Are these your roses? Oh my God, a deer fence.” [makes whooshing noise] And I love the five point buck that jump out in front of your car like, “I hope you’re insured. ’cause I’m taking you out. This is revenge for my brother who’s hanging in a bar in Tennessee. Fuck you.” And we have coyotes, which are like dogs on crack. They come into your yard looking like, “hey! I’m a dog. Ooh! Ooh, I’m a fucking dog. Hey! Psst, listen. Do you have any small animals you don’t need?” And I’m sure your cat is sitting in the back going, “I will shit in the box! Don’t send me out there. Those things eat pussy! Don’t send me out there!” [hisses] And if you have a cat a a dog… and they live together, do you think your cat mind-fucks your dog? I don’t think it’s fair. I think the moment you go to sleep the cat’s like, “Scooby!” [hisses] “yeah yeah?” “hey, Scooby, are you man’s best friend?” “oh God, yeah. I love him. I love him!” “really? Then where are your balls?” “shit, they were there yesterday. I wondered why my ass tasted differently.” “I’m just saying that’s weird. You know, I’m just saying–” [hacking] “I’m just saying that’s weird, that’s all I’m saying.” And people in California give their cats prozac. How much more mellow can a fucking animal be? But that’s California, where animals have better healthcare than the rest of the country. It’s fucking insane. And if the whole healthcare debate– If you want to know how your congressman and senators are gonna vote, we should actually– maybe they should be like NASCAR drivers. They should actually have to have jackets with the names of all the people who are sponsoring them. Wouldn’t that be cool? Fuckin’-a! Yeah, baby. Then you might have a clue to why the fuck they voted that way. “big drug company.” got it! Thank you. And I have an alternative healthcare plan. It’s called cash-for-clunkers- for-older-relatives. It’s kind of fun. You sell grandma for parts. Grandma, you’ve got two kidneys. We need a porch. Let’s do this. And do not sell grandma’s kidneys to that Hasidic Rabbi in New Jersey. Fuck. Who buys organs from a Hasidic Rabbi Going, “I’m crazy Itzhak. Come on down. I’m verklempt with values. Come on down! I’ve got kidneys. I’ve got livers. How’s the liver? Fresh! Come on down! and if you order now, you’ll get this lovely wallet made from a Hasidic foreskin. You rub it, It becomes a suitcase. Come on down! Come on down! I’m open 24/6 for you! Come on!” And if you have an older relative living with you that has dementia, and the temarketers are calling, put her on the phone with the telemarketers.
[laughter and applause]
It works. After two hours she thinks she’s talking to your long-lost cousin Carl, and the fucking telemarketers will NEVER call back again.
[laughter] And it’s weird too, ’cause I had open heart surgery which lets you know exactly what the fuck it is– open heart. An angiogram does not let you know what they’re going to do. An angiogram is where they go through your groin to your heart. And how knew that the way to man’s heart was through his groin? And the women– many women are going, “we’ve known that forever. Yes. Simple. You grab a man’s balls, his heart will follow.” And I found out I had a bad heart because they did an echocardiogram and my heartbeat was like– [mimics irregular beating] My cardiologist went, “that’s not good.” My latin friend said, “no, you could dance to that. That’s kinda cool.” And then they did the angiogram and I heard my– [blowing raspberries] I had a blown valve which makes me sound like a Chevrolet. Like what the fuck? And they started offering me choices about what type of valves I could get. And here were some of my choices: Number one– a porcine valve Which is a pig valve, which is kind of cool because you’re already inoculated for swine flue, number one. And one of the side effects is you can find truffles, which is kind of cool. I was hoping to get an equine valve ’cause then you can hang out of your shorts like, “oh my God.. Baby, I’m sorry. I just got excited.” You know? To get out of the house, you have to have a midget jump on your back going, “we’re going outside right now. How many months since the surgery?” five. And they offered me a mechanical valve which is kind of cool. I thought, maybe I can get the new Apple iheart. That would be great. It comes with 20,000 emotions and that would be– and I thought, wait a minute. if I could get an iheart, ladies, how about this? Instead of breast implants– Speakers. Wouldn’t that be cool? We’ll call ’em blue tits, they’ll be compatible with the heart. And if you can’t afford speakers, just put in a squeak toy. We’re that simple. That’d be great. A lot of you men would be going– [squeaks] “oh yeah, baby.” [squeaking] [laughing] And I’ll put a whistle in my dick so when you blow me– Whoo! Kind of fun, but… I ended up getting a bovine valve which is a cow valve. Which is kind of cool, ’cause you can shit standing up. That’s great. Great to be here. Nice to be here. But after the surgery, you get very emotional. It’s like– it’s like weird. People go, “how are you?” [crying] God, thanks for asking. And I got so emotional, I thought instead of a valve They gave me a tiny vagina. Which is like– what? “how are you?” much better now, thank you. Mmm. Oh God. Don’t use the paddles, just rub me here. There we go. And if this is the symbol for men, Is this the symbol for women? Don’t jerk me off. I won’t. God bless. Thank you. And the surgery– the surgery went amazing. I had a doctor who had done 4,000 surgeries. All of them fucking amazing. That was great. You don’t want a doctor who’s done six surgeries, three of them haven’t gone that well. You don’t want a guy going, “let’s see what happens.” And the surgery was pretty amazing. It went fantastic. First thing to come back online, Your heart– [beeps] Great. And then your brain. Last thing, asshole. [grunts] The drugs make you so constipated, I thought they were gonna have to bring in a priest to do a rectal exorcism. Demon turd, fall from his ass! The power of fiber compels you! The power of fiber compels you! And after the surgery, they put you on a little self-medicator, which is fucking great. You’re like… [laughs] I want to thank my anesthesiologist, ’cause I don’t fucking remember his name. And the drug they gave me for the surgery was a drug called propofol which is nicknamed milk of amnesia. Fucking insane drug. I had that in a surgical situation. Michael Jackson was taking propofol at home To sleep. Fuck off. A doctor said, “taking propofol to sleep is like doing chemotherapy because you’re tired of shaving your fucking head.” It’s like, no. And do you think that when you die and you get to the other side in the afterlife They give you things you had in life? Like Michael got to the other side and it’s like, Michael? [high voice] “yes?” We have some of your things here. “really?” One african-american nose. Is this yours? “yes.” We have four others here. Are these yours? “three of them are mine. One’s Latoya’s.” But you can’t blame Michael. We’re a heavily medicated society. All the drugs we take: Prozac, Effexor, Valium. I thought for the last ten years, we’ve been on some weird fucking drug – the whole country – called “Fukitol.”
[laughter]
What a weird fucking drug. And we’re just coming out of it and we’re kind of waking up.
[cheers and applause]
Fuckin’ A! It’s weird. It’s like you’re going “last thing I remember was the economy was working and there was a budget surplus.” Yeah! “Where’s Clinton?” We impeached him. “Fuck!”
[laughter]
“For what?” A blowjob. “Wow! Who did he blow, Putin?”
[laughter]
No! No, he got blown by a Jewish girl. “Wow! He got head from a Jewish girl? Fuckin’ A! And they impeached him for that?” Well, he lied about it. “He’s married! Who wouldn’t? What the fuck?”
[laughter]
No, he lied about it to Congress. “And THOSE fuckers impeached him? That’s like a group of lepers judging a beauty contest. What the fuck?”
[laughter]
“Wow, that’s nuts!” And then they acquitted him. “Oh, cool. And who was president next? Gore?” No, Bush. “He was already president!” No, this was his son. “Oh, the one from Florida. He’s kinda cool.” No, the one from Texas. “JUNIOR? Fuck! My God, he… the one who traded Sammy Sosa?” Fuck yeah! “How was he as president?” Kinda goofy. “Really?” He waved at Stevie Wonder.
[laughter]
“What the fuck!” It’s like, “Wow! And then what did he do?” Well, he took a lot of vacations. “And then what happened?” We got attacked. “By who?” Osama bin Laden. “That guy from Afghanistan? Didn’t we used to send him weapons?” Yeah, I know! “We went after him, right?” Yeah. “Did we get him?” Almost.
[laughter]
“Well, what do you mean ‘almost’?” Well, we went after Hussein, because he had weapons of mass destruction. “That guy from Syria. I knew that fuck would do this.” No, the one from Iraq. “SADDAM Hussein? Bush Sr. kicked his ass!” Yeah, he did! “And we got him?” Oh, fuck, we got him. “And we found the weapons of mass destruction? Cause he would tell you where they are.” Well, they executed him. “Fuck off! And did you get bin Laden?” Almost. We got four of his number threes. “Okay. But he’s in Afghanistan.” Maybe. He might be in Pakistan. “Well, let’s go after him in Pakistan!” Well, there’s a problem there. They’re allies, and they have weapons of mass destruction. “Oh, no! What about the economy?” Well, we had to bail out the banks. “Again?” Fuck, yeah! “And now, who’s the president?” A black guy. “Oh, yeah right.” Yeah, there’s a black president and a Latino on the Supreme Court. “There is? Oh, my God! Who’s the president? Jesse Jackson?” No, his name is Barack Hussein Obama. “Now you’re fucking with me!” Fuck off!
[laughter] And that’s where we find ourselves today. We have an african-american, but he was not born in Africa. Even though the birthers are going, “he was born in Africa!” Yes, and his campaign was financed by a Nigerian prince on the intenet. Come with me, my friend. It’s like their worst nightmare would have been at the inauguration going, “Mr. Obama, you are now President of the United States.” [African tribal chanting] Hillary, work the booty, work the booty, work the booty. What the fuck? And you have to break his name down. It’s Barack– blessing, Hussein– we know who that is, Obama– it’s an old Kenyan word for Kennedy, cool! The moment he was elected, caucasian guilt dropped lower than the stock market. It was like a brother be going, “my man, could you spe a dollar?” I’m sorry, my good fellow, but I voted for Obama. Good fucking luck. Take care. [groans] And now you have Michelle. Michelle– oh my God, girl, please! Mmmm! Yeah, baby, oooh! Like a combination Jackie Onassis and Serena Williams, Way to go. She is so elegant and she’s got guns too, Which is kinda cool. But you get the feeling, as elegant as she is, If you dis her man, she will fuck your shit up. Mmm! She will. She will open a can of whupass. She will go from “yes, we can” to “oh, no you didn’t.” And Obama got heckled in Congress. What the fuck is that? That would not have happened if Cheney were there. If Cheney were there– oh no. If someone had heckled “w” Cheney would be like, bam! Yeah! [mimics cocking guns] “anybody else got a problem?” Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don’t know about east coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big. You gotta drop kick them then get them in the air going bam! “shit happens!” And I love Cheney at the inauguration looking like old man potter. Like, “good luck with the economy, little African prince. Ha ha ha! Take care, Simba. Ha ha ha.” And he was transforming as we speak. The last few years He’s been turning slowly but surely into Gollum. Like, “they don’t likes us. Don’t give a shit! Not caring why. Halliburton is the precious. It’s the precious.” And he’s become an archetype now. It’s the type of thing that if you want to frighten a little child, you just have to say, “if you’re not good, The Cheneyman will get you.” [cackles] Nooooo! And what’s “w” doing now? He’s a motivational speaker. Kinda cool. It’s kinda like having Lindsey Lohan as a guidance counselor. Way to go. And I love– I love the fact that they’re talking about opening the George W. Bush library, which I think, wow! That’s kind of like the Colonel Sanders Culinary Academy. Just the concept alone boggles your mind. And they’ve already talked about making it very interactive, which I think is code for “not so many books.” And I hope they have some of his great quotes on the walls, like, “a lot of our imports come from other countries.” Yes! “the question that’s never asked: Is our children learning?” Didn’t know that. “people misunderestimate me.” that’s not even a fucking word. Way to go! And you’ve got to cut “w” some slack, man. He comes from a family where the smart brother is named Jeb, number one. And he had a wicked coke problem. And why did he have to stop doing blow? Because I believe one day he was like, “shit, my mom’s on the dollar bill! God damn. Gotta cut this shit out.” And near the end of his term, even world leaders were dissing his ass. There’d be the world economic leaders conference and they’d all be up there, Going, “oh, shit, here comes skippy. Fuck off.” And he’d be up there like a kid at a graduation, like, “nobody likes me. This is bullshit. This is crazy-ass shit.” But there was one guy who treated “w” with kindness and respect. And that man was Tony Blair. Tony Blair and “w” was like the United Nations production of “Rainman.” It was wonderful. There was sweetness. Tony– Tony’d be going to “w,” “‘w,’ do you know the price of gas?” “definitely don’t know the price of gas. Don’t know the price of gas.” “do you have an economic stimulus package?” “definitely have an economic stimulus package. Might work. Definitely might work. Give each and every american over the age of 20 $1 million. Tax them at a flat tax rate of 10%. Gives back the government $100,000, gives each and every person $900,000. Might stimulate locally and personally. Definitely might work. Definitely might work.” “but ‘w’– ‘w,’ do you know the price of gas?” “definitely don’t know the price of gas.” And the definition of insanity is Repeating the same action, expecting a different outcome. We elected him the second time, the whole world went, “what the fuck is going on with you people?” But now we still have comedy though. We still have great comedy out there. There’s always rambling Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says things that even people with tourette’s go, “no. No. What is going on?” Joe is like your uncle Who’s on a new drug and hasn’t got the dosage right. “I’m proud to work with Barack america.” he’s not a superhero, you idiot. Come mere. “when F.D.R was was on television…” There was no TV back then. Come here, Joe. Bzzzt! Sit down. And then you always have Senators willing to push the comedy envelope. Like Senator Larry Craig– a guy who tried to pick up a man in a men’s room by morse code. How the fuck do you do that? How do you go, “will… You… Blow… Me?” Maybe. And… There’s always Governor Sanford. He’s a piece of work. “I’m going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail.” Where does it end? “Patagonia Oh, fuck off. And if always, if you want comedy there is always Sarah Palin. God bless. She is wonderful. Sarah… Sarah is a self-opening piñata. She is a gift. How did they find her? Was it “project running mate”? Is that how they got her? Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Vanna White and drop it off in Alaska? And it was raised by wolves and that’s why she hunts them? “you’re not my dad. You’re not my dad.” And she says amazing things Like, “I know about Russia because I can see it from my backyard.” You have super vision, number one. I can see San Quentin from my backyard but that doesn’t qualify me on prison reform. What the fuck? And it’s incredible too. She said, “polar bears are not endangered. They’re just unlucky.” Oh, really? And who knew Katie Couric was the cutting edge of journalism with ambush questions like, “what do you read?” “well… Well, that’s a trick question.” Not if you read, no. You know the basic difference between her and Cheney? She shoots you, game over. She will have you gutted and standing on the wall next to Barbara Walters. In the last few days of the election she got really sexy. She let the hair down. I thought the last day of the election she was gonna pop the Prada And be like… “yeah! How do you like my northern slopes now, boys? Drill, baby. Drill, baby, drill.” And do you think the whole time she was running for office Clinton was sitting at home going, “where was she when I was in office? Shit. God damn. She is hot. Whoa. That’s a milf. That’s a mother I’d like to filibuster. Yeah.” And Bill did some good work recently. He went to North Korea, got the two girls home. Way to go, Bill. Way to go. Got them back. Way to go. Good job. But I wanted to be in the room when Kim Jong il came in the room and went, “so, Bill Clinton. You bring me the pictures I asked you for? I have on my big boy glasses. I want those pictures and Clay Aiken.” “why do you want Clay Aiken?” “you know why I want Clay Aiken. That’s how I ‘roro.’ That’s how I ‘rororo.’ That’s what I like.” And you think when Bill got back from North Korea And Hillary got back from Africa, that was a rough dinner? Hillary went, “Bill, congratulations on North Korea.” “we’ll baby, it was a happy ending. Shit, wrong words.” “come again, Bill?” “not this time, baby. Not this time.” And people got mad at Hillary that she didn’t go trailer park on Bill’s ass during the Monica Lewinsky thing. That she didn’t start throwing his shit on the white House lawn Like, “Bill Clinton, you lying sack of shit! How could you find the only Jewish girl who couldn’t get a stain out? You asshole! Damn you!” And he’d be on the lawn like an episode of “Cops” Going, “I love you, baby! Depends on what your definition of is is. And when Hillary ran for president there were a lot of guys going, “I don’t know about a woman president.” What are you worried about? You worried every 28 days She’ll be going, “I can’t talk to Putin. Not today. I’m just gonna balance my budget and watch my stories.” She’s in her 60s. She has her own global warming right now, Number one. She is one tough ass woman. And you don’t necessarily want sexy. I know when Sarah ran a lot of guys are going, “she energizes my base.” Yeah, all right. But necessarily– Sexy and world leaders, not necessarily the case. Especially with female world leaders. Throughout history– Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi– These are women you may not want to fuck, but you definitely don’t want to fuck with them. They are scary women. Oh my God. Whoo. And if you don’t think a woman can handle a military situation, ask the argentineans. They were going, “Margaret Thatcher, that crazy coño sank a battleship. She is nuts.” She was Julia Child on steroids going, “I will sink your shit right now. I will open a can of whupass on you little brown men. I will do it right now.” And you have to look at the English Royal Family and realize all that money and no dental plan. How sad. So sad indeed. But if you want sex in politics the French are always there to top everyone. The French have a president, Sarkozy, whose wife fucked Mick Jagger. Way to go. The French look at the Americans like, “top that, little puritans. Take care.” And I believe there’s one man we could run for office that even the French would go, “fuck off.” That man is Jack Nicholson. Yes! Oh yeah, baby. He’s nuts. You’ll never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone. I had Angelina Jolie and afterwards she adopted me. What? And he’s done every known drug known to mankind. He’d be the only guy in the world that Keith Richards would go, “I have to go home now, Jack. No, I really do. It’s fucking over.” Where you running, you pussy? Get back here. It’s so weird too. If you elect celebrities it’s always not a great idea. Because in California we are a 60% hispanic state. We elected an Austrian Governor. Even old nazis are going, “that’s weird.” He has a hard time even saying the name of the state. Arnold, where are you Governor? “Caforna.” What? “Cafornaa.” And he’s married to a Kennedy, Maria Shriver, who has been getting thinner and fucking thinner and smaller. I believe he is sucking the Kennedy out of her. Shh. Slowly but surely becoming a Kennedy by assimilation. Which is kind of cool. That’s how you get a liberal Republican, which is neat. It’s like a Volvo with a gun rack. You don’t see a lot of them. And in terms of energy policies– 21st century. Stem cell research– 21st century. Immigration– Arnold’s a little old school. Arnold, how will you handle immigration? “I will build a wall.” And even the Chinese go, “that will not fucking work. They will go around around your wall. And who will build the wall? The people you are trying to fucking keep out.” So maybe you want to invent some self-picking fruit real quickly. Come with me right now. And… In California we barely balanced the budget. They were coming up with weird alternatives to balance the budget like selling San Quentin as real estate. What the fuck? Is this like, are you going to open some sort of severe spa? These are the lovely sodomy suites. Come with me over here. Don’t sit in that chair… Zzzp… Too late. Thank you. And they’re gonna close Guantanamo. And I go, what are you gonna open there? Maybe an amusement park. We’ll call is Muslim Mountain. It’ll be cool. What will the water slide be? We strap you to a board and send you head first in to a pool. Good luck. And where are they gonna send all those guys from Guantanamo? People in Texas are going, “we’ll take ’em.” Zzzp… No, you can’t– zzzp… No! And the whole budget crisis, The whole manic recession, we’ve just come through this manic recession. Remember the banks saying, “we’re too big to fail”? It’s like saying too fat to diet. What are you doing? Remember they came to us going, “we need $500 billion”? We went, okay, here you go. A week later… “we need some more.” You fuckers are economic freebasing. What are you doing? They’re like a group of junkies who’ve relapsed and are going, “oh my man, listen. I just need some liquidity, you know what I’m saying? I just ran into some bad subprime, you know? We had some complex formulas. We just didn’t factor in greed and panic. Yeah. I just need $805 billion by Tuesday. I would not fuck you again.” My God, it was insane. In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named “made-off.” Hmm. Yes. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewy, Fuckyou & Howe? And now Bernie’s in prison where insider trading is a whole other game. The bull market is what your ass will bear, motherfucker. Let’s do this. Mm-hmm. Payback’s a bitch. Yeah. And then the automobile companies needed help. And I thought, wait a minute. Wouldn’t it be cool is the oil companies gave a little money to the automobile companies? I know it’s like your dealer paying for rehab, but why not? Give it a shot. And now we’re trying to get off the petroleum titty. It’s like we’re trying to kick it. And how are we doing this? We’re looking for alternative fuels. Some of the alternative fuels are a hydrogen powered car. Cool idea. If you’re thinking of a hydrogen powered car, I have one word for you– Hindenburg. Good luck. A more interesting gas and a lot more fun is helium. Number one with helium, you could float over the potholes. And if you get into an accident you get out of the car with road rage going… [high voice] I’m gonna kick your ass. What? Oh my God. I’ve got a fuel leak. How weird is that? I can’t kick your ass. I sound like a chipmunk. This is nuts. Look at all the clowns getting out of the trunk of my car. Fuck off. And I’ve found another alternative fuel. And I found it by accident. I was having my morning coffee, and I have my morning coffee for two reasons. One, to kick start my brain. Number two, and more importantly, to jumpstart my colon. More importantly. The moment I have my morning coffee it’s like, morning, everybody. Fire in the hole! Son, open the bathroom door. I don’t care if you’re rubbing one out, I’ve got to drop a resume. Open the door. And even the dog is going, “he’s leaking methane!” There’s a dead canary in the corner like… And I went, wait a minute. I’m leaking methane. I’m my own fuel source. How about this for a new car? The new ford colon. How about this? Here’s the ad: Me shirt, no pants, tube in my ass. Hi, I’m Robin Williams. I’ve just had a black bean burrito. That’s right, I’m gonna drive all the way from San Francisco to Washington, D.C. Yup, the shit’s hit the fan and it’s powering my car. Won’t you join us? Fuck green, go brown. Come on. Come with us now. Another alternative fuel is ethanol. And people from the South are going, “that’s moonshine, motherfucker.” Damn right. And ethanol is pure grain alcohol. No better car in the world to drive if you’re an alcoholic. If you get stopped by the police you can get out of the car going, “officer, I’ve had a few cocktails. My car, however, is totally fucked up.” Even the cheap gas in the car is going, “I don’t know where the fuck I am a God damn tree just jumped out at me.” And Hyundai makes a car that can park itself. I’m going, where the fuck were you when I was drinking? God damn! What a great car. You get in the car a little loaded going, Shall I drive home? Fuck yeah. And before you do, blow me. And what a great new car. The new Ford fellatio. That would be a car. It gets you off before it gets you there. And most cars now have GPS which is kind of cool. I have a GPS in my car. I was driving across the Golden Gate Bridge. I was halfway across and all of a sudden the car went, “take a right turn.”
[laughter]
What? No can do, HAL. I’m not that depressed really. And the car went, “Really, Robin? I saw Bicentennial Man.”
[laughter]
Shut the fuck up!
[laughter]
“Damn you!” And it’s a bitchy English voice too. It goes, “in one quarter mile, take a right turn. In one eighth mile take a right turn. There it was. You missed it, Magellan. Shall I reroute? I who has access to 12 satellites? You who doesn’t look at a fucking piece of paper?” And maybe they should have a GPS that ages with you. It becomes age appropriate. So eventually the car’s going, “there’s your turn! Hello! No no, that’s not it. Maybe the next one. That could be it. That might be it. Yeah, that’s the one. There used to be a gas station there, yeah. Yeah. Right. That’s when gas was a nickel a gallon. That’s it, yeah.” I want a Scottish GPS ’cause I think that would be an honest GPS It would be going, “there’s your turn. You fucking missed it, you idiot. Take another fucking right turn. Take one more fucking right turn Take one more fucking right turn. Ooh, there’s your fucking view. Yeah!” They say that Bob Dillon is gonna be making a GPS I want that GPS “driving down the road. Up ahead there’s a light. Very soon very soon you’re gonna have to take a right. Driving along, driving along, Driving in the land of the free. So remember to pull off, you have to take a pee. Do it now. Pull up ahead. Don’t try to stop. Oh God, oh God. Look out, there’s a cop. Look out. I’m just trying to direct you as one wealthy Hebrew.” And it’s cool now. If you see someone driving alone talking like this… Hopefully they’re hands-free and not out of their fucking mind. ’cause in the old days if you saw someone driving and talking like… And they’re alone you go, change fucking lanes. And hands-free means hands free to talk on the phone. This does not mean find another activity for your hands, like text messaging. No no. Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
And unless you’re gonna develop an eye like a chameleon where one looks down and one looks ahead, your brain will eventually go, “I can’t do this! I am intextificated. This is insane.” And when you get out of the car take out the bluetooth, o, Seven of Nine. Join us. Come back, yes. Oh please. It’s all right. ’cause you’ll be wearing the bluetooth and deaf people are going, “are you hearing? No, you’re just an asshole with a bluetooth. Fuck you.” And then there’s always that awkward bluetooth conversation. You’re in an elevator, you can’t see the bluetooth and some guy’s going, “hi, gorgeous.” Thank you. “not you. Fuck you. No, fuck you. No, I want to fuck you. I don’t want to fuck you. Fuck you, God damn it.” The homeless people are going, “that’s my act, you asshole. I talk to people. I hear voices. I just don’t have call waiting. What the fuck?” And if you wear a bluetooth 24/7, I’m sure there are no long-term effects. [mumbles] And thank you for not filming me with your phones tonight, Because phones now are cameras. There was a lady filming me the other night. You could see ’em. There’s a fucking red light, bitch. I see it. And I said, turn it off. And she went, “how will I remember?” I went, the old fashioned way. You will have to tell people what you saw. That you saw a hairy comedian. Because you see, it’s not big brother anymore. It’s little snitch. It’s like, I see you. I fucking see you. I see you. I fucking see you. And it’s also too weird. Because your phone– You can google on your phone. I googled the word corkscrew And it said, “did you mean cocksucker?” No. But while you’re there… And texting– the whole texting thing– I walked into a Starbucks, there were all these little girls sitting around like a cyber witch’s coven. They were like… Not saying a fucking word. Just… Finally one of them looked up and went, “I know.” And you twitter. Twitter, or tweeting. It’s not the root word. It’s not twit, it’s tweet. Okay, cool. Is it rude to twitter during sex? To go, O.M.G. O.M.G.W.T.F.Z.Z.Z.? Is that rude? And is there something called clittoring where you play with the little button on your Blackberry? What are you doing? I’m clittoring. Ha ha ha! And Twitter broke the other day. Twitter went down. What the fuck happened to all those people then? Where they like, “my thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no fucking reason! What the fuck is that?” a book. [hisses] “who are you?” dad. I’m miss you. Let’s talk. When you walk into their room– my son has four screens going simultaneously. He’s got a game on here, he’s playing a move over here. He’s also downloading, he’s texting. He’s got all this stuff going and people go, “that’s A.D.D.” I go, bullshit, he’s multitasking. Fuck off. And then suddenly I’ve become my father. Your mother and I weren’t online. We did lines, my friend. I’ll tell you that. You do 50,000 hits, we did five hits. That’s how much we needed. And we didn’t have Twitter. We had shitter. That was my chat room. We had useless conversations. We just didn’t fucking share them with the world. What are you doing? Oh, you’re playing with your wii. Oh, you got a joystick. Yeah. I had a joystick growing up, except mine was fucking attached. Yeah. And it was a first-person shooter too, yeah! God damn it. I miss human contact. Even on the phone for directory assistance It’s like, “city and state, please.” Washington, D.C. “what would you like?” Constitution Hall. “did you say Kennedy Center?” No. Constitution Hall. “did you say Congressional Ball? No. Consti– and it starts to become like “The Miracle Worker.” Constitution Hall. “did you say cocksucker?” No, I didn’t say cocksucker! “would you like to talk to a person?” Fuck yes! “if you’d like to talk to a person, press one. If you’d like to talk to someone in English press two. Are you sure you don’t want to talk to someone in Spanish? Press three. Press four if you’d like to move to the next menu. Press five if you’re getting somewhat irritated. Press six if you’re my bitch. Press seven. You know you want to. Press eight, daddy. Do it. Press nine.” What are the chances of talking to a real person? “zero, press it!” Beep! Beep! Beep! [Indian accent] “hello. Did you want to talk to a real person?” Yes! Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Where are you? You’re a real person? “very much so.” Where are you? “I am on the phone with you.” What is your name? “Thomas Edison.” Don’t fuck with me, Thomas. “don’t fuck with me, Mork. I know who you are.” What? “I know about you googling cocksucker, So don’t piss me off. And I have access to a nuclear device. And I can say it unlike your former president, so don’t fucking piss me off.” Change a light bulb, change a light bulb, change a light bulb now. [imitating Chinese] China is now outsourcing many American products as we speak. You send us your cat food, we send it back to you– [gasps] sorry about kitty. We make your toys. Oh, Timmy can’t take lead? How sad for him. And now Chinese families are adopting American lesbians. Payback is a bitch. Now… China makes a lot of money off us. But we’re gonna get some money back soon because they’re gonna open a Disneyland in Shanghai. It’ll be cool. It’ll have characters like Mickey Mao. There’ll be duck Xiaoping. You go down main street– there’ll be 12 Donald Ducks Hanging upside down in the market. That’ll be cool. And there’ll be the village people’s republic going, ♪ young Mao, there’s a place you can go ♪ ♪ I say, young Mao. ♪ And before the Olympics The Tibetans were demonstrating against the Chinese. It was kind of sad too, because the Chinese accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker– it just doesn’t fit. And then California went, “we are gonna boycott Chinese products In sympathy with the Tibetans.” then they went, “fuck, they make everything.” And they even make the “free tibet” stickers, So it’s fucking insane. And the weird thing in the Chinese Olympics, Beijing– one of the most polluted cities in the world. During the Olympics no pollution. How did they pull this off? I believe they sent one billion Chinese into Beijing. Everyone breathe in… [exhales] One of my favorite events during the Olympics was women’s gymnastics, which is kind of a misnomer. These are not women. These are Shetland females. And some of the events are a little… [chuckles] like the uneven parallel bars is a bit like horizontal pole dancing. It’s like, daddy would like to watch this alone, if you don’t mind. And who invented that event? Was there some German at a playground going, “here’s my idea for girls in tight clothing– I want you to put on spandex And then spin around on the upper bar, and slam your vagina into the lower bar, spin around. Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Spread your legs and then dismount and make it look like you had a good time.” What? Weird. And they do all this incredible stuff. And if their foot goes one inch to the right, you’re fucked! And who invented the pommel horse? Was it a cowboy with A.D.D. Going, “I’m on the horse, I’m off the horse, I’m on the horse, I’m off the horse”? No. My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug-test an African distance runner. Are you on drugs? “no, I’m looking for food.” And I’m sure in Kenya There’s a chicken that runs a sub-two-hour marathon. You just won the New York marathon. How do you feel? [clucks] What did he say? He’s wondering where the Ethiopians are. One of my favorite runners of all time Was Abebe Bikila. He was an Ethiopian distance runner and he won the Rome Olympics running barefoot. He was then sponsored by Adidas. He ran the next Olympics, He carried the fucking shoes. No performance enhancement there, no way. Because always people are looking for performance enhancement. Cut to the American swim team with their new porpoise foreskin swimsuits– Full-body condom swimsuits. What the fuck was going on? These guys were shaved like a Brazilian hooker to begin with. What was going on? Was there one pubic hair like… [blows raspberry] And they put on that full-body condom– even the penis is like, “I’m in here. Help me.” But I realized the moment you do that– No nutsack drag. You’re a Ken doll all of a sudden. Are you ready to swim? [high voice] I think so. But no more– no more nutsack drag. .05 nutsack drag with this. Then you get to the end of the pool .05 faster. Why? No nutsack drag. And the French got pissed off going, “they have no nutsack drag. They’re cheating.” And Michael Phelps is on the box of frosted flakes. Then he gets caught smoking weed and then take him off the box of frosted flakes. – [man boos] – this is a failure in marketing, my friends. Listen, if you’re basically having frosted flakes and you’re older than 10 years old and it’s after 10:00 in the morning… – [laughter] – …I’m gonna guess Weed may be involved. And you can’t tell me Marijuana is a performance-enhancing drug. Fuck off. It’s only a performance-enhancing drug If there’s a fucking chocolate bar at the end of the pool. Then even a one-legged swimmer will go, “I will beat your ass.” But performance enhancement doesn’t always include drugs. Cut to miss Semenya, the South African middle-distance runner who turns out to be a he/she. She’s a hermaphrodite. She can have her own biathlon– kind of neat. But this is not new. The East Germans used to have really butch female sprinters. Olga, you just won the 100 meters. How do you feel? [deep voice] “really good Is that a penis? “no, just a very large clitoris.” Oh. And the Germans used to give their athletes pure fucking speed. They would finish a race going, “Hans, you just won a race. How do you feel?” “wonderful! But the spiders are crawling all over me again.” And the one drug they seem to have the most problem with is steroids. And there are always these poor fuckers who get caught doing steroids And they deny it, and yet they look like a Mardi Gras float. Bubba, are you doing steroids? “no.” Where’s your neck? “I haven’t seen it for a while.” What about your balls? “I don’t know.” You’re taking horse genome. “no!” No. And it’s weird too. Why would people take steroids in football When in football the object of the game is to be a big fucking mountain of flesh breaking past another mountain of flesh And grabbing the little guy and going, “tell me about the rabbits”? That’s the game. But maybe if you get caught doing steroids instead of kicking you off the team you have to take another drug like ecstasy to compensate? It’s gonna make the huddles a lot more fun. You’re gonna come into the huddle like, “hi. sorry about the long count. I just felt such love.” And the other drug that people are doing is human growth hormone. I first heard about human growth hormone from Nick Nolte who was telling me the advances of human growth hormone. He was like, “Robin, human growth hormone is amazing. It’s taking 20– argh!” He went fucking stiff as a board. And I went, “I’ll get back to you, Nick. Good luck.” Insane. But there was one guy– one guy who had an amazing claim to fame in terms of drugs and sport. His name was Dock Ellis. And Dock Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows– thank you. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on L.S.D. Those who have taken L.S.D, tell the others how hard that might be. Fuck off. If I took L.S.D., I’d be talking to every blade of grass like, “sorry sorry.” To walk into a major-league baseball stadium like… the whole field is like… “fuck fuck fucfuck.” All the fans in the stadium like… the umpire walks out, it’s shiva… [chanting] The catcher steps out. Instead of a mask he’s wearing a Samurai mask. [imitate Japanese] Instead of a glove, it’s a vagina. “come to daddy!” The batter walks out. Instead of cleats, he’s got hooves. Yes, instead of a bat, it’s a cobra. [hisses] You walk out on the mound, even your glove’s going, “this is fucking weird.” The ball– “yes, I love you.” Let’s do this. “do it, daddy, do it.” [chanting] [screaming] Past the cobra, into the vagina. [chanting] For nine fucking innings? Fuck me. It’s like, wow. He should have his own black-light room at the Hall of Fame. When I was growing up they used to say, “Robin, drugs can kill you.” And now that I’m 58, my doctor’s going, “Robin, you need drugs to live.” And I realized my doctor’s my dealer now and a lot harder to get ahold of. And he’s always giving me free samples like, “yo, Robin, some lipitor, motherfucker. Try it out. That’s all I can hook you up with right now. I got an H.M.O. on my back, baby. That’s all I can do.” And it’s weird too– these drugs have side effects that go on for fucking days, Like tendency to grow another head. Oh my God. When we were growing up we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking. Cocaine– side effects were paranoia and ninjas on the lawn. I remember that. Quaaludes– side effects were Talking in tongues, English as a second language. I remember that. Marijuana– side effects side were laughter and frosted flakes. That’s all I remember. But now there are side effects which fucking rival the syndrome. There’s a syndrome called restless leg syndrome. What the fuck is that? A tendency to break out into a Riverdance? Like, “oh, dear Christ. Grandma’s got fucking restless leg syndrome. Take care of kids. I’m on my way to Dublin. Take care.” And side effects include compulsive gambling and obsessive sexual behavior. That’s not a side effect. That’s fucking Vegas. They should just give you a bus ticket and say, “good luck.” And how soon before they have a drug where side effects may include rectal ventriloquism? If your asshole starts talking, call the doctor or get friends over ’cause it’s gonna be a fun night. And what a great side effect for a politician. “I was never with that woman.” “liar! Liar! He’s an asshole and so am I!” And the one drug they give you that’s kind of wonderful before the surgery was viagra– A great drug, amazing, a lot of fun. After open-heart surgery– not so much fun. Taking viagra after open-heart surgery is like a civil war reenactment with live ammo– not good. It’s a duel to the death between your dick and your heart. The moment you take it, your penis is like, “I’m 25. Yes! Let’s do this!” And your heart’s going, “bullshit. We’re just back online, you asshole. Slow down. I’m gonna put a cramp in your calf. Argh!” And your penis is going, “I’ve still got the hips. Ramming speed, let’s do this.” And your heart’s going, “I’m throwing your back out. Fuck off. Argh!” And your penis is going, “I’m still hard. We’re going in. Yeah!” And your heart’s going, “I’m opening up your asshole.” [blows raspberry] Argh! “are you coming?” “no, I think I’m fucking dying.” And when you finally do come after an hour– And after an hour even my penis is going, “I got shit to do.” After an hour when you finally come it’s like, Argh! Agh! One drop of sperm… With two 50-year-old sperms going, “where the fuck are we? I never thought I’d be called into action. This is crazy.” I’m sure if you had a microscope, they both would have walkers, like, “keep moving. My tail is cramping, God damn it. Head towards the tits. I know my way from there.” And I’m sure there’s two othesperms in my balls going, “wait here. If she puts a finger in the ass, then we go.” Yes, indeed. But there’s another drug– Another drug they don’t tell you is a drug. It’s a class-4 narcotic– alcohol. And the only warning they have on the bottle of alcohol is “don’t drink this if you’re pregnant.” bullshit. That’s how you got pregnant. And alcohol is especially dangerous for people like myself– Alcoholics, or you can say “ethanol-challenged,” whatever you want to call it. And people go, “now, Robin, how do I know if I’m an alcoholic?” Well, as one, let me give you some warning signs. Number one– after a night of heavy drinking you wake up fully-clothed going, “hey, somebody shit in my pants.” Number two– you have a couple of cocktails and you find yourself on the freeway going, “what are these fuckers doing going the wrong way?”– number two. Number three– you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls. Ta-dah! You are an alcoholic. And some people say, “Robin, I’m a functioning alcoholic.” You can be one. It’s like being a paraplegic lap dancer. You can do it, just not as well as the others really. And they say alcoholism is peer pressure. Bullshit. Peer pressure for an alcoholic is, “psst, come here.” And I believe alcoholics are God’s rodeo clowns. We’re the ones doing the stupid shit nobody else will do. We’re the ones coming out of chute number five on a fifth of vodka like, “yee-haw!” looking for a woman who’s going, “you’re the one.” “yeah!” And we’re moody little motherfuckers too, ’cause we’ll be like, “Goddamn it, man, I love you. I’ll fucking kill you! Step outside, I’ll kick my ass. Goddamn it, let’s do this! Poor me. Goddamn poor me. Poor me… another drink.” And we think we’re sexy too, ’cause we’ll come up to women going like, “hey, baby. Were your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.” And we see nothing wrong with that. We’ve got backup. If that doesn’t work, we go, “hey, sit on my face. I’ll guess your weight. Yeah!” [barks] And ladies, if you take an alcoholic home for the night, oh, good luck. You’re in for a fun evening. It’s like playing pool with a rope. Good fucking luck. He’ll be like, “I love you. [retching] I love you.” And the next morning, that all-important question, “who the fuck are you?” [bleats] “oh my God. Well, at least I’ll get a sweater. Cool. Fuckin’-a.” ’cause, you see, as an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the devil would go, “dude.” And there’s a voice that tells alcoholics we can drink. It’s the same voice you hear if you can go up to the top of a very large building and you look over the side, there’s a little voice that goes, “jump. You can fly.” Even though your asshole is going, “no, you can’t.” And if you ever thought about jumping off a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and he survived. And he said this– he said, “halfway down I thought it was a bad idea.” And some things you may want to stay away from while drinking heavily: Ebay– not a good idea. Ebay and alcoholism– a perfect storm addiction. You’ll find yourself up to your ass In George Foreman grills and shamwows. Another thing you don’t want to do while really drunk is get a tattoo. I did. I got really loaded. I got a tattoo in mandarin that says “happiness and laughter” right here. I think it says that. I’ve never had a Chinese person that close to my balls Going, “that’s what it says.” But I had a friend get really fucked up and he got a tattoo in mandarin that’s supposed to say “golden warrior.” And a Chinese friend said, “no, it says ‘ass monkey.'” Then the idiot went out and got drunk again and got a tattoo in Hindu that was supposed to say “dawn of enlightenment.” And a Hindu friend said, “no, it says ‘deliveries on Tuesday.'” So he is not the ass monkey who delivers on Tuesday for the rest of his life. And girls, if you want to get that lovely tattoo of the sunrise rising out of your ass crack– gorgeous when you’re 20, but when you’re 50 It’s an octopus chasing a fucking starfish. So no. Be careful. And if they made a drug that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go, “what happens if you take two?” no. ’cause we have these things called blackouts as alcoholics. It’s not really blackouts. It’s more like sleepwalking with activities. Kind of strange. I believe it’s your conscience going into a witness protection program. It’s your conscience going, “you’re about to fuck a hobbit. I gotta go. Good luck.” I’m gonna leave the dick on and after an hour I’m opening up the asshole, but that didn’t stop you Tuesday. Good luck. Take care.” And alcoholics, we’re like assholes. We can’t wait to shit on everybody– family, friends. We’ll be like, “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Go fuck yourself. Fuck you. Fuck. I’m fucked.” And they tried to send my ass to rehab, and I went, “yeah yeah yeah.” And I went to rehab in wine country just to keep my options open. And while I was in rehab I read an article in “The Inquirer” about my being drunk. It was like, “that poor fuck. Oh, fuck, that’s me.” And the weird thing too about when you read articles in “The Inquirer” or “TMZ” and you’re looking at all these assholes going, “those poor motherfuckers.” And only the Germans could come up with the word for that– Feeling pleasure at other people’s misfortune. It’s called schadenfreude. And only the Germans could go, “we found the fucking word for that. God bless you.” I was once on a German talk show. And if you want to go on one, it’s a lot of fun. It’s really fun. And I was on this German talk show and this woman said to me, she said, “Mr. Williams, why do you think there’s not so much comedy in Germany?” And I said, “did you and ever think you killed, all the funny people?” [laughter] And it was– And here’s what got interesting. She didn’t bat an eyelash. She just went, “no.” At that point even God’s going, “do you get it?” German comedy: Knock knock, we ask the questions. It’s like the French production of “Anne Frank”– “she’s upstairs!” And we have a German Pope now. How do you get a German Pope? Well, it’s a tough gig. they don’t retire the jersey like Magic Johnson. You stay in the chair to the bitter end. Remember John Paul II? It was like, [imitates Latin] in nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti. We’re lucky he didn’t have dementia in the Yankee Stadium, going, “everybody gets pudding. Chocolate pudding. Chocolate pudding.” And when the pope dies, the Vatican finds out you’re dead the old-fashioned way: They have a guy come with a silver hammer– not maxwell– but he comes and he basically comes in– he basically comes in and goes, pwap! And if the Pope goes, “ahh!” “one more week! He’s got another week!” And the moment the Pope dies, they take him through Saint Peter’s Basilica and 50,000 cell phones are like… [clicking] and I’m sure that was his last wish. “when I die, I want to be a screen saver.” And then what happens? The College of Cardinals, they all go into a small dark room and the only thing that comes out is smoke. And I’m going, “what are you doing in there?” And I believe they have da Vinci’s hookah. And they’re inside getting a little loaded, going… [inhaling] “I got a crazy idea. No no no, wait wait wait! Wait, listen, this is crazy. No, wait! The last Pope was Polish, right? Yeah, no, wait– this is a good one! Hold on. How about this? No, wait, this is crazy. How about this? A Nazi!” [laughs] “no no, Hitler youth. It’s like boy scouts with artillery. It’s great! It’ll scare the shit out of the Jews. They’ll be like, ‘oy!'” And I was hoping, rather than a German Pope, they would do something cool like a Latin american Pope, man. That would have been cool, like Pope Enrique. Yeah! That would be cool. And he’d have the cool pope-mobile Like, “Ave Maria! Check it out– [scatting ]” or a Brazilian Pope, ’cause then you could have the samba nuns in the thongs Going, “come on back to the church. Come on back to the church. You know you want to come back to the church. Come on back to the church.” I’m sure the kids would go, “fuck the internet! I’m going back to church.” But it’s weird. The Vatican and homosexuality– oil, water. The Pope is always, “homosexuality is an abomination.” Time out. “you’re the Pope?” “yes.” “you’re dressed like Freddy Mercury’s stunt double. Your purse is on fire and you’re surrounded by hundreds of boys. And you’ve had kind of a problem in the after-school area.” And why is there a problem with pedophilia in the Catholic Church? Well, it’s a big deal. You become a priest– retire this. And once a week, we’re gonna put you in a small dark box and people are gonna tell you their nastiest sexual shit. “bless me, father, for I have sinned.” “yes, my son?” “last night I had sex with two Thai twins, a slip ‘n slide, a diving helmet, and a ferret.” “could you say that slower, my son?” And I believe the Vatican’s gonna come out one day and come out big. It’s gonna be… ♪ in nomine patris… ♪ [loudly] ♪ et spiritus santi! ♪ ♪ one secular sensation ♪ ♪ all the folks you meet ♪ ♪ da da da da da da! ♪ ♪ one singular salvation ♪ ♪ every word on the street! ♪ ♪ da da da da da da! ♪ And there still will be the evangelicals going, “homosexuality is a sickness.” And the same Reverend will be caught buying crack from a gay prostitute going, “we were just playing tummy swords.” And then he’ll deny it going, “I did not perform a homosexual act.” “no, you didn’t. Elton John is a homosexual act. You just blew that guy. It’s okay.” And this Reverend went to rehab for homosexuality. I’m going, “I was in rehab. I didn’t see that wing. There was no cockenders in my rehab.” And is homosexuality a preexisting condition? What the fuck? And the other people that come out against the whole thing are the Mormons. They came out against gay marriage big time. And with gay marriage, you couldn’t even say “gay marriage.” In California you couldn’t call it “gay marriage.” It was like, “what do we call it?” “we’ll call it ‘same-sex marriage.'” And people who have been married for a long time are going, “that’s a little redundant. If you’ve been married a long time, it’s always the same sex. Shut the fuck–” What? And then they said, “we’ll call it a union.” Then the union guys get pissed going, “it’s not a fucking union. It’s not ‘local cocksuckers #69.'” And you’re going, “wait a minute, Canada has gay marriage. Do you want all the gay people to immigrate to Canada? Then they’ll win figure skating for the next 200 years! No! They’re already the nicest people on the planet. Do you want them to be the best dressed? That’s bullshit!” And the whole thing– and we talked briefly about this before– the other people that come out against gay marriage were the Mormons. Basically the Mormons– the people that used to do polygamy– they used to perfect polygamy. A Mormon giving marital advice is like the octomom Running a Planned Parenthood Clinic. And if the answer to “who’s your daddy?” is multiple choice, come with me, my friend. And who thought polygamy was a great idea? Who got married and went, “my one marriage isn’t going so well. I’d like to double down.” Fuck off, man! And if you– why would you want another strong opinion? Even if you marry a deaf and a blind girl, they will fucking communicate! And they will work out that you are the asshole. In marriage, I’ve learned this: In marriage there’s penalties for early withdrawal and deposit in another account. Remember that. And alimony doesn’t stop people. Alimony– look at a guy. You could call it all the money and guys would still be going, “I’m in. Let’s do this.” Look at Donald Trump. He’s always going, “this one’s broken. Bring me another one. Ha ha ha!” But maybe there should be a three-strike law with marriage. If you want to get married for a fourth time, you have to give up a body part. Then that might slow people down. Like, “Bob, how many times you been married?” “four times, Robin.” “Ted, how many times you been married?” [garbled] “five times, Robin. Five times.” Larry King would just be a fucking head on a stick. And… You talk about intelligent design– look at the human body. It’s waste-processing plant Near a recreation area. How intelligent is that? And they say the platypus was an animal designed by committee. Was the human body designed by committee? Was there a group of guys who designed it? Was the guy going, “Tom, do you have those designs For the human reproductive system?” “I do, Ted. Let’s show you what we came up with. Normally with the mammal penis, we have the retractable. We decided to something different for the mammal– The male penis for the human. We call it ‘the collapsible.’ kind of fun. And look at this: Murray came up with the idea of making the covering optional. Thank you, Murray. Way to go. When we take the covering off, it’s a little sharp, a little pointy. We need something on the top to soften it up. Bob, what was your idea?” “a mushroom cap.” “thank you, Bob. We put the mushroom cap on the top and it’s kind of a tool ’cause when it’s retracted, it looks like a little toad stool and when it’s erect like a little soldier– thank you. And Tim put a piece of sting up at the top. Thank you, Tim. I guess to tune it. Thank you, Tim. And we run the semen out the top and urine through– We also run urine through there. We call it multitasking, or ‘coming and going.’ Kind of a fun concept. And initially we just had the sperm stored inside the penis itself like a toothpaste tube– pbbt! Gone. So we need something to store it in and produce it. What was your idea, Carl?” “nuts.” “thank you, Carl. Initially we used walnuts. We’ve had good luck with those in the past.” And the human males are going, “we can’t sneak up on the females.” “what do you mean? Listen.” [clucking] “got it. Forget the coconuts. Let’s try something different! Bob, what was your idea to replace them?” “balls.” “balls! That’s it. Who doesn’t like balls? What fun. Initially we used three balls, and here’s some of the tests with the three balls. They were going everywhere. The male was, like, playing with the balls, playing with the balls. And we went, ‘we’d better put those in a bag.’ So we decided to make a bag and the only thing we had lying around was some old turkey neck. I said, ‘use it! Let’s try it.’ So… We put the balls in the turkey neck and, um… it’s ugly. I think… Yeah. Next to the asshole, it’s one of the uglier things we made, really. And we got some negative feedback from the females who were going, ‘we’re not going down there unless you cover that up!’ ‘okay!’ so we put some garnish around it. And initially we made the hair straight. The females: ‘my eyes!’ ‘okay.’ Curly! We put curly hair. And initially we put the hair everywhere– even the top of the penis. And it looked like my uncle Phil. Like, ‘hey, how are you?’ So we just went with a topiary thing, which was kind of fun. And then the females went, ‘we’ll go down there now.’ Thank you, ladies. Thank you. Which is cool because you can start the penis orally– thank you; Manually– thank you, Manuel, for finding that out; finger in the ass– Ted found that out. He said it was an accident. Kidder. And if you play with the balls, the penis likes that. It’s kind of fun. But we did find out a negative thing about the balls. If you hit them really hard, it’s a total system reset. It’s like… if it was a slot machine, it would pay. It was kind of rough. But that’s essentially the design for the penis. Initially we gave the male about 800 sperms and those were gone in a millisecond. And now we give him 8 to 9 billion, and he shoots them everywhere: tits, drapes. We found some on the ceiling. Those are the overachievers. We hope some make it to the vagina. In terms of the vagina, Carl’s in charge of the vagina project. Carl, what did you come up with?” “well, normally with the mammal vagina, you have the genital slit or opening. We decided to accessorize it.” “what did you accessorize it with, Carl?” “curtains. We just thought it makes it less of an opening and more of a show, really. Kind of– we had some old lips lying around. We said, ‘try those! Let’s give it a go.’ And initially we made it horizontal, and… the damn thing talked. It was weird. And the first time it talked, the males were going, ‘I’m not going down there if it talks! I’ve already got one opinion down here! I don’t need a second one!’ Fine. So now we made it vertical and now it just farts. So– and the first time it went, it was like… [neighs ]. ‘easy, big fella.’ And the asshole got offended, saying, ‘that’s my job!’ ‘okay, hold on. Yours will smell. Not to worry. Not to worry.’ But we needed something kind of special– one last little thing that would really work. And Clint came up with a brilliant idea. And I think we’re gonna name it– it’s kind of wonderful. Clint, what was your idea?” “a doorbell.” “thank you, Clint. You ring the doorbell, the curtains open. It’s kind of fun. Some guys can’t find it. Others don’t know when to stop ringing it. But you ring the doorbell, the curtains open, the penis goes inside. And Tom worked out some choreography for the balls that’s kind of fun. That’s really… it gets everything ready to go. And the sperms fly out up into the human female. She carries the egg. Normally we gave it– we tried first giving the egg to the male. He kept losing it. And we went, ‘fine.’ We gave it to the female. She carries it. And then we thought, ‘the male will be in charge of feeding the infant.’ We gave the human male two breasts. And the male is like, ‘ha!’ ‘okay, nipples. That’s all.’ We thought, ‘the female will be in charge of feeding the infant too.’ So we gave her six breasts like a mammal. And the male was like, ‘ha ha! Ah ha ha!’ ‘two hands, two tits! That’s it.’ And so the female will, carry the infant to term’ and it will come out through the curtains. And they get wide… like Broadway. And she’ll also feed the infant. The male will assist. Ha ha! But we do have one major design flaw. We’ve tried to wire the penis to the conscience and it keeps short circuiting.” And it’s weird too– the whole thing. I mean, every since I was a little boy, it was like, The first time I was cleaning it, it went off. “I’m sorry!” And then later on it was like, breasts. “breasts breasts! Aha ha ha!” Vagina. “vagina vagina!” And by the time you get to be 58, it gets a little more difficult. “okay, here’s what you gotta do: You put a sparkler in your ass. I’ll set my pubic hair on fire. You put on a German army helmet. You jump off the couch yelling, ‘fire in the hole!’ That might work. I don’t know.” And then… If that doesn’t work, there’s always pornography. And the definition of pornography is quite simple: Erotic is using a feather; pornography is using the entire chicken, which is weird. And I’ve been watching a little bit of porn since I’ve been on the road. “a little?” shut up. That’s fine. And with porn movies, they don’t have coming attractions ’cause if it was, you’d be like, “oh, done. Thank you. Fine.” With porn movies, when you’re watching them, it’s basically, they’re an hour and a half long. And who watches an entire fucking porn movie? One guy up there going, “I do.” But an entire porn– an hour and a half long? Even with fast forwarding– fast forwarding you’re like, “ahhhhh! Ahh ahhhhh ahhhhh!” What? No! And the one thing you don’t want with porn is basically slow motion, ’cause it’s like, “haaa.” Prrrggh! “ahhh!” [slow groaning] And the acting– the acting in porn movies is always so bad. There’s always that one girl who’s like… [giggling] It’s not Miss America. Stay with the dick! What are you doing? And why do they always have to have such bad actors? They’re always like, “I’m going to fuck you… so hard.” Even my right hand is going, “I don’t believe him.” But there’s scripts. There’s scripts for porn movies. Somebody’s writing this stuff going, “‘I’m going to fuck you… So hard… You little whore.’ okay, that’s it for today.” And then they’re on a porn movie set going, “‘I’m going to fuck you…’ Line?” “fuck you hard, you little whore.” “thank you! I just need a moment.” And that’s fucking weird too. And there’s been porn for centuries. Was there radio porn? Was there George Burns going, “well, tea-bag me, Gracie.” I don’t know. Did John Wayne have a “Brokeback Mountain” moment of going, “well, stuffy, we’re going up the old jizzom trail right now. God damn it, here we go.” And Walter Brennan going, “oh, duke, you’re tearing my ass apart! Gad ya! I can’t quit ya! I can’t God damn quit ya!” Was Gregory Peck going, “I’m going to glaze you like a danish.” Did Jimmy Stewart basically go, “well, just play with my balls. Just a little bit. Yeah. Just dangle the twins around. And put a finger in my heinie if you’re a friend. Yeah! Two if you’re a pal. Yeah.” There’s one guy who could do porn and I think we all would watch. That guy is Chris Walken. Oh God, yes. Oh my God, he would be amazing. Chris would be up there going, “I’m… inside you. So deep inside you now, fucking you now, inside you, deep inside you now, yes, now. I came… an hour ago.” And it’s not bad enough they make porn movies. They make porn movies of my movies. They made “Goodwill Humping.” it’s okay. “Wet Dreams May Come.” all right. “Snatch Adams.” that was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Fuck off! You know, “Popeye” I would watch. Popeye would be like, “oh, God yeah, Olive Oyl, Come on now, yeah! Blow me now. Yeah. Come on, Olive Oyl, yeah. You got no tits and a tight box. Oh, God, gud-ack-ack-ack-ack! Yeah! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ooh! I creamed me spinach! Yeah.” Good night! [cheering] Whoo! Oh my God. Whoo! Whoa! Sit down quick! Thank you. Damn. Shoo! – Thank you. Wow. – Oooh! This is– “oooh!” wow! – [cheering] – oh! Thank you, baby! This is weird. Right now I feel like, “what are you gonna do now, smart ass? You just did, ‘ack ack!’ no, follow that. Good luck, boy.” It’s weird. Some people say I look like Bono, and I’m going, “what the fuck are you on?” But it said that Bono was onstage recently in Scotland and it got very quiet like right now. And he started clapping his hands. And he said, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies. And from the back of the Scottish audience, somebody went, “then stop fucking clapping your hands!” It’s weird though. I want to do something kind of special right now and dedicate it to a friend of mine. It was a man I knew– a very interesting guy– Walter Cronkite. Incredible man. And we worked together on a Disney project years ago. [applause] And he was a very eloquent and elegant man, but Walter had another side. Basically, he liked his jokes like he liked his ocean, a little blue. So I would like to do a joke right now for Walter as Walter in his memory. [as Cronkite] a man and his wife are having sex. They’re going at it hot and heavy. Suddenly they hear a noise. It’s their little son Timmy standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room. The father goes, “I’ll go talk to Timmy.” He goes to Timmy’s room. He opens the door. And little Timmy is giving it hot and heavy to grandma. The father goes, “oh my God.” And little Timmy says, “not so funny when it’s your mother, is it?” Good night! Thank you, D.C.! God bless you! Buenas noches! The peeps in the top! Thank you! May we have health care! God bless you! Have a good night! Whoo! Oh! | [audience cheering, applauding] [rock music playing] Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome Robin Williams! [cheering] No! Please. Sit down! Thank you! Thank you! What’s up, D.C.? Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! [cheering, hooting] Wow, thank you. Mmm. Thank you. Please, I’ve had heart surgery. Thank you. It’s nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it’s handed out to A.I.G. and many other people. Now… I have the new Timothy Geithner $20-bill. It’s just been printed, kind of neat. Instead of “in god we trust,” It just says “trust me.” And it says “spend before Tuesday.” And also instead of Andrew Jackson, it has the little man from monopoly going– and I know many of you have been looking for Sarah Palin’s book. It is a bitch to find. Good luck. I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction in the fantasy aisle. It was kind of fun. Wonderful. Do you get– do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, In high school she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one? Do you think that might’ve been– she’s pretty wild. Baby, I love her. And also, Oprah– Oprah has retired– Is gonna retire her show. Please say it isn’t so! Oprah’s gonna retire her show. I hope she’s not bummed out about losing the Olympics. I hope that’s not it. It wasn’t really fair. Chicago sent Oprah and Michelle, Brazil sent 50 strippers and a pound of blow. It’s like, what? Do you think the Olympic committee was going “Oprah? Shaved pussy? Oprah, would you– okay, we’re gonna have to go this way.” And who the fuck thinks that Rio is safer than Chicago?! My God. They’re gonna have to make kidnapping and waxing Olympic events. Degree of difficulty: 5.3. [mimics ripping noises] But it is interesting. They have the Winter Olympics in Vancouver and the torch is heading across Canada right now and already in B.C. they’re lighting torches going– [choked] “we’re waiting.” Come on, you folks who just came from Capitol Hill. Come on down. Where do you go? How are you, my friends? Grab some seats. – You were caught in– – [audience shouting] What? – [woman shouts] – that’s your old boss? Did you fuck him? Sorry. Okay. Not an inappropriate question to ask in Washington. No. And he’s going, “no! No! She was just a page, it’s okay!” And it was weird. In California this summer all the State Parks caught on fire which was sad because these parks are full of weed. It’s bad news. It’s like– even the guys fighting the fires are like… [laughing] “fuck! Oh my God! Make another rainbow, Tommy! Oh my God!” It’s weird. Even Smokey the Bear was going, “only you can– Shit, I knew this. Fuck.” And California weed is kick-ass fucking weed. This is weed that even Jamaicans go, “oh, don’t smoke that weed, man.” It’s California catatonic. It’s the type of weed you hit it and it’s like… Fuck! Shit! I’m not doing something. What is it? Oh right, breathe! [exhales] And you get so stoned, you end up sitting on your couch for a week to the point where your cat’s going, “get up, you asshole! I’ve been eating my own shit for the last two days! I know I’m mellow, but this is fucking ridiculous!” And if they legalize it, they’re going to have to regulate it and they’re going to have to a warning on a box of joints. It’s going to have to say, “Surgeon General has determined this will make your music awesome. Even Yanni. And if you thought you enjoyed cartoons before…” and if they’re gonna have ads– they’re gonna have ads and it’ll be like instead of the Marlboro man, it’ll be the Mendocino man. It’ll be a cowboy on the back of a horse going, “shit, am I thirsty. God damn.” Even the horse will be going, “I don’t know where the fuck I am. God damn, I got a little cotton mouth here. God damn it.” And the weird fucking thing with these weather systems– the storms right now have been fucking insane. Kick-ass tornados in the midwest. It used to be in the midwest when you had a tornado, it was like everybody get in the root cellar. Not anymore. You fuckers are like “get a video camera! Get outside! Film it, Bobby!” How’s the tornado? “it just blew my pants off. Keep shooting. Fuckin’-a!” You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing. Someone’s losing their trailer, number one. It’s like, mmm! God damn! The hurricanes have been getting bigger and fucking bigger. And they usually give them names that don’t really inspire fear. Like hurricane Terrence does not inspire fear. This sounds like a slightly gay hurricane. Where are you going? “I might go to Boca. I might go to South Beach. I don’t know. All I know is blowing is involved. Yes!” And they should name the hurricanes After the people it’s gonna be fucking with. If it’s going to Texas– hurricane Billy Ray. Come on now. What are you gonna do? “fuck shit up! That’s what goes on.” If it’s off the coast of Miami– hurricane Bernie. “hello! He took our 401k. The goniff’s coming back for the house. Move out! Let’s fucking go!” And when they named a hurricane Hurricane Ike, I went, finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack-smoking, wife-beating motherfucker. Yeah! Even Tina Turner would go, “you’d better get your shit and get out of the house. ’cause Ike never does anything nice and easy. Never.” And the hurricanes have been getting so big that even the guy on the weather channel is freaked out. He’s going, “okay, let’s go to our new hurricane weather map– Fuck! This is hurricane Shavon. The map is the entire South The asshole in the middle is Dallas. Um, crazy. Back to you, Ted. I just shit myself.” And they always go down to some poor fuckers on the coast in the middle of the storm hoing, “Carl, how’s it down there on the coast?” “not bad! Seems to be kicking up!” And then there’s always the aftermath where they interview some family standing in the wreckage of their beach house and they’re always going like, “hurricane came and tore everything up. And we had just rebuilt.” Time out. How often do you rebuild? “every year.” Why do you rebuild here? “we love the view.” Well, you may want to get some styrofoam furniture that goes up and fucking down. Some things that you can hose off maybe. But the weird thing is, I can’t give them shit. I like in California. I live on God’s etch-a-sketch. It’s crazy. We have earthquakes every other day. And you get kind of blasé. Like, “oh, fuck. 2.5, not bad. Oh, shit! 5.8. Maybe we should have drinks outsides. Let’s go.” And they always talk about the big one. I was in a 7.5 earthquake. That was a “fuck me” moment. That was a– [screams] And they went, “that was not the big one.” Really? Well, what will the big one be? “well, in the big one, if there is the big earthquake, Nevada will be wine country, number one.” And when will the big one be? “well, we have a window of opportunity.” Well, what will that be? “could be tomorrow… or 10,000 years from now.” Well, thanks for the fucking heads-up. The only warning you have is if your cat is spread-eagle in the doorway like– [howls] get the fuck out. And if your parrot starts going, “pack the car! Pack the car! Food and water! Food and water!” Also, if you have a parrot, do not leave them in the bedroom. They hear everything. All of the sudden you’ll have guests over for dinner and the parrot will go “not the ass.” whoa-ho-ho! Petey! [chuckles] he’s been watching porn again. “fuck me, Teddy! Fuck me hard!” Honey, who’s Teddy? Hmm. And the weird thing is you try and do your part to reduce your carbon footprint. And if you have a hybrid, God bless you, sweet cars. But especially if you drive them outside a major city, you get into little cities especially in the South, it becomes kind of interesting. you pull into a small gas station, it’s like, “what the fuck is this? Bobby, get over here. It’s one of them new inbreds! Look at this motherfucker. Shit, looks like Volkswagen fucked a golf cart. God damn. I did not hear you come in. You may want to put some cards in the spokes of your wheels so you make some fucking noise.” That’s why there’s not gonna be any NASCAR hybrid race. A NASCAR hybrid race would be like, “here they come.” [blowing softly] And I love the guys who say, “I watch NASCAR for the racing.” Yeah, I watch porn for the acting. You liar! You watch NASCAR to see team viagra spin out in flames and the guy get out with his pubes on fire going, “I’m okay!” And there was a guy in the South who said, “they should have NASCAR in the Olympics.” And it was like, mm-hmm. At that moment ever Darwin was going, “come with me.” This is the ascent of man. You stand here. But it’s weird too. If you recycle, God bless you. You recycle, good for you, congratulations. But if you recycle, there is one group who is really pissed off. That group are the raccoons. They are going through your recycling like, [irish accent] “what the fuck is this shit? Where are the hefty bags? The piñata of life that used to feed an entire fucking family? This is glass and plastic. I can’t digest this shit, you green asshole! I’m spreading this shit all over your lawn! I’m taking a dump in your pool too.” I don’t know why I made the raccoons Irish, but it works. Now… and they’re ballsy little motherfuckers too. You turn on the light, they look at you like, “what the fuck you gonna do? I got a skunk as backup. Don’t make me call him.” And they’ve got those little jazz paws. “jazz paws!” They can open doors, cabinets. I’m amazed you don’t come home and find them on the computer going, “I’m ordering shit. How you doing? The dog knows I’m here. I locked him in the fucking closet. He’s an idiot. Too late.” And the deer in California have total amnesty ’cause they know no one’s gonna cap their ass and strap them to the front of a Ranger Rover and go downtown for a mocha. They walk through your yard like supermodels with hooves. Like, “hi. Are these your roses? Oh my God, a deer fence.” [makes whooshing noise] And I love the five point buck that jump out in front of your car like, “I hope you’re insured. ’cause I’m taking you out. This is revenge for my brother who’s hanging in a bar in Tennessee. Fuck you.” And we have coyotes, which are like dogs on crack. They come into your yard looking like, “hey! I’m a dog. Ooh! Ooh, I’m a fucking dog. Hey! Psst, listen. Do you have any small animals you don’t need?” And I’m sure your cat is sitting in the back going, “I will shit in the box! Don’t send me out there. Those things eat pussy! Don’t send me out there!” [hisses] And if you have a cat a a dog… and they live together, do you think your cat mind-fucks your dog? I don’t think it’s fair. I think the moment you go to sleep the cat’s like, “Scooby!” [hisses] “yeah yeah?” “hey, Scooby, are you man’s best friend?” “oh God, yeah. I love him. I love him!” “really? Then where are your balls?” “shit, they were there yesterday. I wondered why my ass tasted differently.” “I’m just saying that’s weird. You know, I’m just saying–” [hacking] “I’m just saying that’s weird, that’s all I’m saying.” And people in California give their cats prozac. How much more mellow can a fucking animal be? But that’s California, where animals have better healthcare than the rest of the country. It’s fucking insane. And if the whole healthcare debate– If you want to know how your congressman and senators are gonna vote, we should actually– maybe they should be like NASCAR drivers. They should actually have to have jackets with the names of all the people who are sponsoring them. Wouldn’t that be cool? Fuckin’-a! Yeah, baby. Then you might have a clue to why the fuck they voted that way. “big drug company.” got it! Thank you. And I have an alternative healthcare plan. It’s called cash-for-clunkers- for-older-relatives. It’s kind of fun. You sell grandma for parts. Grandma, you’ve got two kidneys. We need a porch. Let’s do this. And do not sell grandma’s kidneys to that Hasidic Rabbi in New Jersey. Fuck. Who buys organs from a Hasidic Rabbi Going, “I’m crazy Itzhak. Come on down. I’m verklempt with values. Come on down! I’ve got kidneys. I’ve got livers. How’s the liver? Fresh! Come on down! and if you order now, you’ll get this lovely wallet made from a Hasidic foreskin. You rub it, It becomes a suitcase. Come on down! Come on down! I’m open 24/6 for you! Come on!” And if you have an older relative living with you that has dementia, and the temarketers are calling, put her on the phone with the telemarketers. [laughter and applause] It works. After two hours she thinks she’s talking to your long-lost cousin Carl, and the fucking telemarketers will NEVER call back again. [laughter] And it’s weird too, ’cause I had open heart surgery which lets you know exactly what the fuck it is– open heart. An angiogram does not let you know what they’re going to do. An angiogram is where they go through your groin to your heart. And how knew that the way to man’s heart was through his groin? And the women– many women are going, “we’ve known that forever. Yes. Simple. You grab a man’s balls, his heart will follow.” And I found out I had a bad heart because they did an echocardiogram and my heartbeat was like– [mimics irregular beating] My cardiologist went, “that’s not good.” My latin friend said, “no, you could dance to that. That’s kinda cool.” And then they did the angiogram and I heard my– [blowing raspberries] I had a blown valve which makes me sound like a Chevrolet. Like what the fuck? And they started offering me choices about what type of valves I could get. And here were some of my choices: Number one– a porcine valve Which is a pig valve, which is kind of cool because you’re already inoculated for swine flue, number one. And one of the side effects is you can find truffles, which is kind of cool. I was hoping to get an equine valve ’cause then you can hang out of your shorts like, “oh my God.. Baby, I’m sorry. I just got excited.” You know? To get out of the house, you have to have a midget jump on your back going, “we’re going outside right now. How many months since the surgery?” five. And they offered me a mechanical valve which is kind of cool. I thought, maybe I can get the new Apple iheart. That would be great. It comes with 20,000 emotions and that would be– and I thought, wait a minute. if I could get an iheart, ladies, how about this? Instead of breast implants– Speakers. Wouldn’t that be cool? We’ll call ’em blue tits, they’ll be compatible with the heart. And if you can’t afford speakers, just put in a squeak toy. We’re that simple. That’d be great. A lot of you men would be going– [squeaks] “oh yeah, baby.” [squeaking] [laughing] And I’ll put a whistle in my dick so when you blow me– Whoo! Kind of fun, but… I ended up getting a bovine valve which is a cow valve. Which is kind of cool, ’cause you can shit standing up. That’s great. Great to be here. Nice to be here. But after the surgery, you get very emotional. It’s like– it’s like weird. People go, “how are you?” [crying] God, thanks for asking. And I got so emotional, I thought instead of a valve They gave me a tiny vagina. Which is like– what? “how are you?” much better now, thank you. Mmm. Oh God. Don’t use the paddles, just rub me here. There we go. And if this is the symbol for men, Is this the symbol for women? Don’t jerk me off. I won’t. God bless. Thank you. And the surgery– the surgery went amazing. I had a doctor who had done 4,000 surgeries. All of them fucking amazing. That was great. You don’t want a doctor who’s done six surgeries, three of them haven’t gone that well. You don’t want a guy going, “let’s see what happens.” And the surgery was pretty amazing. It went fantastic. First thing to come back online, Your heart– [beeps] Great. And then your brain. Last thing, asshole. [grunts] The drugs make you so constipated, I thought they were gonna have to bring in a priest to do a rectal exorcism. Demon turd, fall from his ass! The power of fiber compels you! The power of fiber compels you! And after the surgery, they put you on a little self-medicator, which is fucking great. You’re like… [laughs] I want to thank my anesthesiologist, ’cause I don’t fucking remember his name. And the drug they gave me for the surgery was a drug called propofol which is nicknamed milk of amnesia. Fucking insane drug. I had that in a surgical situation. Michael Jackson was taking propofol at home To sleep. Fuck off. A doctor said, “taking propofol to sleep is like doing chemotherapy because you’re tired of shaving your fucking head.” It’s like, no. And do you think that when you die and you get to the other side in the afterlife They give you things you had in life? Like Michael got to the other side and it’s like, Michael? [high voice] “yes?” We have some of your things here. “really?” One african-american nose. Is this yours? “yes.” We have four others here. Are these yours? “three of them are mine. One’s Latoya’s.” But you can’t blame Michael. We’re a heavily medicated society. All the drugs we take: Prozac, Effexor, Valium. I thought for the last ten years, we’ve been on some weird fucking drug – the whole country – called “Fukitol.” [laughter] What a weird fucking drug. And we’re just coming out of it and we’re kind of waking up. [cheers and applause] Fuckin’ A! It’s weird. It’s like you’re going “last thing I remember was the economy was working and there was a budget surplus.” Yeah! “Where’s Clinton?” We impeached him. “Fuck!” [laughter] “For what?” A blowjob. “Wow! Who did he blow, Putin?” [laughter] No! No, he got blown by a Jewish girl. “Wow! He got head from a Jewish girl? Fuckin’ A! And they impeached him for that?” Well, he lied about it. “He’s married! Who wouldn’t? What the fuck?” [laughter] No, he lied about it to Congress. “And THOSE fuckers impeached him? That’s like a group of lepers judging a beauty contest. What the fuck?” [laughter] “Wow, that’s nuts!” And then they acquitted him. “Oh, cool. And who was president next? Gore?” No, Bush. “He was already president!” No, this was his son. “Oh, the one from Florida. He’s kinda cool.” No, the one from Texas. “JUNIOR? Fuck! My God, he… the one who traded Sammy Sosa?” Fuck yeah! “How was he as president?” Kinda goofy. “Really?” He waved at Stevie Wonder. [laughter] “What the fuck!” It’s like, “Wow! And then what did he do?” Well, he took a lot of vacations. “And then what happened?” We got attacked. “By who?” Osama bin Laden. “That guy from Afghanistan? Didn’t we used to send him weapons?” Yeah, I know! “We went after him, right?” Yeah. “Did we get him?” Almost. [laughter] “Well, what do you mean ‘almost’?” Well, we went after Hussein, because he had weapons of mass destruction. “That guy from Syria. I knew that fuck would do this.” No, the one from Iraq. “SADDAM Hussein? Bush Sr. kicked his ass!” Yeah, he did! “And we got him?” Oh, fuck, we got him. “And we found the weapons of mass destruction? Cause he would tell you where they are.” Well, they executed him. “Fuck off! And did you get bin Laden?” Almost. We got four of his number threes. “Okay. But he’s in Afghanistan.” Maybe. He might be in Pakistan. “Well, let’s go after him in Pakistan!” Well, there’s a problem there. They’re allies, and they have weapons of mass destruction. “Oh, no! What about the economy?” Well, we had to bail out the banks. “Again?” Fuck, yeah! “And now, who’s the president?” A black guy. “Oh, yeah right.” Yeah, there’s a black president and a Latino on the Supreme Court. “There is? Oh, my God! Who’s the president? Jesse Jackson?” No, his name is Barack Hussein Obama. “Now you’re fucking with me!” Fuck off! [laughter] And that’s where we find ourselves today. We have an african-american, but he was not born in Africa. Even though the birthers are going, “he was born in Africa!” Yes, and his campaign was financed by a Nigerian prince on the intenet. Come with me, my friend. It’s like their worst nightmare would have been at the inauguration going, “Mr. Obama, you are now President of the United States.” [African tribal chanting] Hillary, work the booty, work the booty, work the booty. What the fuck? And you have to break his name down. It’s Barack– blessing, Hussein– we know who that is, Obama– it’s an old Kenyan word for Kennedy, cool! The moment he was elected, caucasian guilt dropped lower than the stock market. It was like a brother be going, “my man, could you spe a dollar?” I’m sorry, my good fellow, but I voted for Obama. Good fucking luck. Take care. [groans] And now you have Michelle. Michelle– oh my God, girl, please! Mmmm! Yeah, baby, oooh! Like a combination Jackie Onassis and Serena Williams, Way to go. She is so elegant and she’s got guns too, Which is kinda cool. But you get the feeling, as elegant as she is, If you dis her man, she will fuck your shit up. Mmm! She will. She will open a can of whupass. She will go from “yes, we can” to “oh, no you didn’t.” And Obama got heckled in Congress. What the fuck is that? That would not have happened if Cheney were there. If Cheney were there– oh no. If someone had heckled “w” Cheney would be like, bam! Yeah! [mimics cocking guns] “anybody else got a problem?” Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don’t know about east coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big. You gotta drop kick them then get them in the air going bam! “shit happens!” And I love Cheney at the inauguration looking like old man potter. Like, “good luck with the economy, little African prince. Ha ha ha! Take care, Simba. Ha ha ha.” And he was transforming as we speak. The last few years He’s been turning slowly but surely into Gollum. Like, “they don’t likes us. Don’t give a shit! Not caring why. Halliburton is the precious. It’s the precious.” And he’s become an archetype now. It’s the type of thing that if you want to frighten a little child, you just have to say, “if you’re not good, The Cheneyman will get you.” [cackles] Nooooo! And what’s “w” doing now? He’s a motivational speaker. Kinda cool. It’s kinda like having Lindsey Lohan as a guidance counselor. Way to go. And I love– I love the fact that they’re talking about opening the George W. Bush library, which I think, wow! That’s kind of like the Colonel Sanders Culinary Academy. Just the concept alone boggles your mind. And they’ve already talked about making it very interactive, which I think is code for “not so many books.” And I hope they have some of his great quotes on the walls, like, “a lot of our imports come from other countries.” Yes! “the question that’s never asked: Is our children learning?” Didn’t know that. “people misunderestimate me.” that’s not even a fucking word. Way to go! And you’ve got to cut “w” some slack, man. He comes from a family where the smart brother is named Jeb, number one. And he had a wicked coke problem. And why did he have to stop doing blow? Because I believe one day he was like, “shit, my mom’s on the dollar bill! God damn. Gotta cut this shit out.” And near the end of his term, even world leaders were dissing his ass. There’d be the world economic leaders conference and they’d all be up there, Going, “oh, shit, here comes skippy. Fuck off.” And he’d be up there like a kid at a graduation, like, “nobody likes me. This is bullshit. This is crazy-ass shit.” But there was one guy who treated “w” with kindness and respect. And that man was Tony Blair. Tony Blair and “w” was like the United Nations production of “Rainman.” It was wonderful. There was sweetness. Tony– Tony’d be going to “w,” “‘w,’ do you know the price of gas?” “definitely don’t know the price of gas. Don’t know the price of gas.” “do you have an economic stimulus package?” “definitely have an economic stimulus package. Might work. Definitely might work. Give each and every american over the age of 20 $1 million. Tax them at a flat tax rate of 10%. Gives back the government $100,000, gives each and every person $900,000. Might stimulate locally and personally. Definitely might work. Definitely might work.” “but ‘w’– ‘w,’ do you know the price of gas?” “definitely don’t know the price of gas.” And the definition of insanity is Repeating the same action, expecting a different outcome. We elected him the second time, the whole world went, “what the fuck is going on with you people?” But now we still have comedy though. We still have great comedy out there. There’s always rambling Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says things that even people with tourette’s go, “no. No. What is going on?” Joe is like your uncle Who’s on a new drug and hasn’t got the dosage right. “I’m proud to work with Barack america.” he’s not a superhero, you idiot. Come mere. “when F.D.R was was on television…” There was no TV back then. Come here, Joe. Bzzzt! Sit down. And then you always have Senators willing to push the comedy envelope. Like Senator Larry Craig– a guy who tried to pick up a man in a men’s room by morse code. How the fuck do you do that? How do you go, “will… You… Blow… Me?” Maybe. And… There’s always Governor Sanford. He’s a piece of work. “I’m going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail.” Where does it end? “Patagonia Oh, fuck off. And if always, if you want comedy there is always Sarah Palin. God bless. She is wonderful. Sarah… Sarah is a self-opening piñata. She is a gift. How did they find her? Was it “project running mate”? Is that how they got her? Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Vanna White and drop it off in Alaska? And it was raised by wolves and that’s why she hunts them? “you’re not my dad. You’re not my dad.” And she says amazing things Like, “I know about Russia because I can see it from my backyard.” You have super vision, number one. I can see San Quentin from my backyard but that doesn’t qualify me on prison reform. What the fuck? And it’s incredible too. She said, “polar bears are not endangered. They’re just unlucky.” Oh, really? And who knew Katie Couric was the cutting edge of journalism with ambush questions like, “what do you read?” “well… Well, that’s a trick question.” Not if you read, no. You know the basic difference between her and Cheney? She shoots you, game over. She will have you gutted and standing on the wall next to Barbara Walters. In the last few days of the election she got really sexy. She let the hair down. I thought the last day of the election she was gonna pop the Prada And be like… “yeah! How do you like my northern slopes now, boys? Drill, baby. Drill, baby, drill.” And do you think the whole time she was running for office Clinton was sitting at home going, “where was she when I was in office? Shit. God damn. She is hot. Whoa. That’s a milf. That’s a mother I’d like to filibuster. Yeah.” And Bill did some good work recently. He went to North Korea, got the two girls home. Way to go, Bill. Way to go. Got them back. Way to go. Good job. But I wanted to be in the room when Kim Jong il came in the room and went, “so, Bill Clinton. You bring me the pictures I asked you for? I have on my big boy glasses. I want those pictures and Clay Aiken.” “why do you want Clay Aiken?” “you know why I want Clay Aiken. That’s how I ‘roro.’ That’s how I ‘rororo.’ That’s what I like.” And you think when Bill got back from North Korea And Hillary got back from Africa, that was a rough dinner? Hillary went, “Bill, congratulations on North Korea.” “we’ll baby, it was a happy ending. Shit, wrong words.” “come again, Bill?” “not this time, baby. Not this time.” And people got mad at Hillary that she didn’t go trailer park on Bill’s ass during the Monica Lewinsky thing. That she didn’t start throwing his shit on the white House lawn Like, “Bill Clinton, you lying sack of shit! How could you find the only Jewish girl who couldn’t get a stain out? You asshole! Damn you!” And he’d be on the lawn like an episode of “Cops” Going, “I love you, baby! Depends on what your definition of is is. And when Hillary ran for president there were a lot of guys going, “I don’t know about a woman president.” What are you worried about? You worried every 28 days She’ll be going, “I can’t talk to Putin. Not today. I’m just gonna balance my budget and watch my stories.” She’s in her 60s. She has her own global warming right now, Number one. She is one tough ass woman. And you don’t necessarily want sexy. I know when Sarah ran a lot of guys are going, “she energizes my base.” Yeah, all right. But necessarily– Sexy and world leaders, not necessarily the case. Especially with female world leaders. Throughout history– Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi– These are women you may not want to fuck, but you definitely don’t want to fuck with them. They are scary women. Oh my God. Whoo. And if you don’t think a woman can handle a military situation, ask the argentineans. They were going, “Margaret Thatcher, that crazy coño sank a battleship. She is nuts.” She was Julia Child on steroids going, “I will sink your shit right now. I will open a can of whupass on you little brown men. I will do it right now.” And you have to look at the English Royal Family and realize all that money and no dental plan. How sad. So sad indeed. But if you want sex in politics the French are always there to top everyone. The French have a president, Sarkozy, whose wife fucked Mick Jagger. Way to go. The French look at the Americans like, “top that, little puritans. Take care.” And I believe there’s one man we could run for office that even the French would go, “fuck off.” That man is Jack Nicholson. Yes! Oh yeah, baby. He’s nuts. You’ll never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone. I had Angelina Jolie and afterwards she adopted me. What? And he’s done every known drug known to mankind. He’d be the only guy in the world that Keith Richards would go, “I have to go home now, Jack. No, I really do. It’s fucking over.” Where you running, you pussy? Get back here. It’s so weird too. If you elect celebrities it’s always not a great idea. Because in California we are a 60% hispanic state. We elected an Austrian Governor. Even old nazis are going, “that’s weird.” He has a hard time even saying the name of the state. Arnold, where are you Governor? “Caforna.” What? “Cafornaa.” And he’s married to a Kennedy, Maria Shriver, who has been getting thinner and fucking thinner and smaller. I believe he is sucking the Kennedy out of her. Shh. Slowly but surely becoming a Kennedy by assimilation. Which is kind of cool. That’s how you get a liberal Republican, which is neat. It’s like a Volvo with a gun rack. You don’t see a lot of them. And in terms of energy policies– 21st century. Stem cell research– 21st century. Immigration– Arnold’s a little old school. Arnold, how will you handle immigration? “I will build a wall.” And even the Chinese go, “that will not fucking work. They will go around around your wall. And who will build the wall? The people you are trying to fucking keep out.” So maybe you want to invent some self-picking fruit real quickly. Come with me right now. And… In California we barely balanced the budget. They were coming up with weird alternatives to balance the budget like selling San Quentin as real estate. What the fuck? Is this like, are you going to open some sort of severe spa? These are the lovely sodomy suites. Come with me over here. Don’t sit in that chair… Zzzp… Too late. Thank you. And they’re gonna close Guantanamo. And I go, what are you gonna open there? Maybe an amusement park. We’ll call is Muslim Mountain. It’ll be cool. What will the water slide be? We strap you to a board and send you head first in to a pool. Good luck. And where are they gonna send all those guys from Guantanamo? People in Texas are going, “we’ll take ’em.” Zzzp… No, you can’t– zzzp… No! And the whole budget crisis, The whole manic recession, we’ve just come through this manic recession. Remember the banks saying, “we’re too big to fail”? It’s like saying too fat to diet. What are you doing? Remember they came to us going, “we need $500 billion”? We went, okay, here you go. A week later… “we need some more.” You fuckers are economic freebasing. What are you doing? They’re like a group of junkies who’ve relapsed and are going, “oh my man, listen. I just need some liquidity, you know what I’m saying? I just ran into some bad subprime, you know? We had some complex formulas. We just didn’t factor in greed and panic. Yeah. I just need $805 billion by Tuesday. I would not fuck you again.” My God, it was insane. In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named “made-off.” Hmm. Yes. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewy, Fuckyou & Howe? And now Bernie’s in prison where insider trading is a whole other game. The bull market is what your ass will bear, motherfucker. Let’s do this. Mm-hmm. Payback’s a bitch. Yeah. And then the automobile companies needed help. And I thought, wait a minute. Wouldn’t it be cool is the oil companies gave a little money to the automobile companies? I know it’s like your dealer paying for rehab, but why not? Give it a shot. And now we’re trying to get off the petroleum titty. It’s like we’re trying to kick it. And how are we doing this? We’re looking for alternative fuels. Some of the alternative fuels are a hydrogen powered car. Cool idea. If you’re thinking of a hydrogen powered car, I have one word for you– Hindenburg. Good luck. A more interesting gas and a lot more fun is helium. Number one with helium, you could float over the potholes. And if you get into an accident you get out of the car with road rage going… [high voice] I’m gonna kick your ass. What? Oh my God. I’ve got a fuel leak. How weird is that? I can’t kick your ass. I sound like a chipmunk. This is nuts. Look at all the clowns getting out of the trunk of my car. Fuck off. And I’ve found another alternative fuel. And I found it by accident. I was having my morning coffee, and I have my morning coffee for two reasons. One, to kick start my brain. Number two, and more importantly, to jumpstart my colon. More importantly. The moment I have my morning coffee it’s like, morning, everybody. Fire in the hole! Son, open the bathroom door. I don’t care if you’re rubbing one out, I’ve got to drop a resume. Open the door. And even the dog is going, “he’s leaking methane!” There’s a dead canary in the corner like… And I went, wait a minute. I’m leaking methane. I’m my own fuel source. How about this for a new car? The new ford colon. How about this? Here’s the ad: Me shirt, no pants, tube in my ass. Hi, I’m Robin Williams. I’ve just had a black bean burrito. That’s right, I’m gonna drive all the way from San Francisco to Washington, D.C. Yup, the shit’s hit the fan and it’s powering my car. Won’t you join us? Fuck green, go brown. Come on. Come with us now. Another alternative fuel is ethanol. And people from the South are going, “that’s moonshine, motherfucker.” Damn right. And ethanol is pure grain alcohol. No better car in the world to drive if you’re an alcoholic. If you get stopped by the police you can get out of the car going, “officer, I’ve had a few cocktails. My car, however, is totally fucked up.” Even the cheap gas in the car is going, “I don’t know where the fuck I am a God damn tree just jumped out at me.” And Hyundai makes a car that can park itself. I’m going, where the fuck were you when I was drinking? God damn! What a great car. You get in the car a little loaded going, Shall I drive home? Fuck yeah. And before you do, blow me. And what a great new car. The new Ford fellatio. That would be a car. It gets you off before it gets you there. And most cars now have GPS which is kind of cool. I have a GPS in my car. I was driving across the Golden Gate Bridge. I was halfway across and all of a sudden the car went, “take a right turn.” [laughter] What? No can do, HAL. I’m not that depressed really. And the car went, “Really, Robin? I saw Bicentennial Man.” [laughter] Shut the fuck up! [laughter] “Damn you!” And it’s a bitchy English voice too. It goes, “in one quarter mile, take a right turn. In one eighth mile take a right turn. There it was. You missed it, Magellan. Shall I reroute? I who has access to 12 satellites? You who doesn’t look at a fucking piece of paper?” And maybe they should have a GPS that ages with you. It becomes age appropriate. So eventually the car’s going, “there’s your turn! Hello! No no, that’s not it. Maybe the next one. That could be it. That might be it. Yeah, that’s the one. There used to be a gas station there, yeah. Yeah. Right. That’s when gas was a nickel a gallon. That’s it, yeah.” I want a Scottish GPS ’cause I think that would be an honest GPS It would be going, “there’s your turn. You fucking missed it, you idiot. Take another fucking right turn. Take one more fucking right turn Take one more fucking right turn. Ooh, there’s your fucking view. Yeah!” They say that Bob Dillon is gonna be making a GPS I want that GPS “driving down the road. Up ahead there’s a light. Very soon very soon you’re gonna have to take a right. Driving along, driving along, Driving in the land of the free. So remember to pull off, you have to take a pee. Do it now. Pull up ahead. Don’t try to stop. Oh God, oh God. Look out, there’s a cop. Look out. I’m just trying to direct you as one wealthy Hebrew.” And it’s cool now. If you see someone driving alone talking like this… Hopefully they’re hands-free and not out of their fucking mind. ’cause in the old days if you saw someone driving and talking like… And they’re alone you go, change fucking lanes. And hands-free means hands free to talk on the phone. This does not mean find another activity for your hands, like text messaging. No no. Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift. And unless you’re gonna develop an eye like a chameleon where one looks down and one looks ahead, your brain will eventually go, “I can’t do this! I am intextificated. This is insane.” And when you get out of the car take out the bluetooth, o, Seven of Nine. Join us. Come back, yes. Oh please. It’s all right. ’cause you’ll be wearing the bluetooth and deaf people are going, “are you hearing? No, you’re just an asshole with a bluetooth. Fuck you.” And then there’s always that awkward bluetooth conversation. You’re in an elevator, you can’t see the bluetooth and some guy’s going, “hi, gorgeous.” Thank you. “not you. Fuck you. No, fuck you. No, I want to fuck you. I don’t want to fuck you. Fuck you, God damn it.” The homeless people are going, “that’s my act, you asshole. I talk to people. I hear voices. I just don’t have call waiting. What the fuck?” And if you wear a bluetooth 24/7, I’m sure there are no long-term effects. [mumbles] And thank you for not filming me with your phones tonight, Because phones now are cameras. There was a lady filming me the other night. You could see ’em. There’s a fucking red light, bitch. I see it. And I said, turn it off. And she went, “how will I remember?” I went, the old fashioned way. You will have to tell people what you saw. That you saw a hairy comedian. Because you see, it’s not big brother anymore. It’s little snitch. It’s like, I see you. I fucking see you. I see you. I fucking see you. And it’s also too weird. Because your phone– You can google on your phone. I googled the word corkscrew And it said, “did you mean cocksucker?” No. But while you’re there… And texting– the whole texting thing– I walked into a Starbucks, there were all these little girls sitting around like a cyber witch’s coven. They were like… Not saying a fucking word. Just… Finally one of them looked up and went, “I know.” And you twitter. Twitter, or tweeting. It’s not the root word. It’s not twit, it’s tweet. Okay, cool. Is it rude to twitter during sex? To go, O.M.G. O.M.G.W.T.F.Z.Z.Z.? Is that rude? And is there something called clittoring where you play with the little button on your Blackberry? What are you doing? I’m clittoring. Ha ha ha! And Twitter broke the other day. Twitter went down. What the fuck happened to all those people then? Where they like, “my thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no fucking reason! What the fuck is that?” a book. [hisses] “who are you?” dad. I’m miss you. Let’s talk. When you walk into their room– my son has four screens going simultaneously. He’s got a game on here, he’s playing a move over here. He’s also downloading, he’s texting. He’s got all this stuff going and people go, “that’s A.D.D.” I go, bullshit, he’s multitasking. Fuck off. And then suddenly I’ve become my father. Your mother and I weren’t online. We did lines, my friend. I’ll tell you that. You do 50,000 hits, we did five hits. That’s how much we needed. And we didn’t have Twitter. We had shitter. That was my chat room. We had useless conversations. We just didn’t fucking share them with the world. What are you doing? Oh, you’re playing with your wii. Oh, you got a joystick. Yeah. I had a joystick growing up, except mine was fucking attached. Yeah. And it was a first-person shooter too, yeah! God damn it. I miss human contact. Even on the phone for directory assistance It’s like, “city and state, please.” Washington, D.C. “what would you like?” Constitution Hall. “did you say Kennedy Center?” No. Constitution Hall. “did you say Congressional Ball? No. Consti– and it starts to become like “The Miracle Worker.” Constitution Hall. “did you say cocksucker?” No, I didn’t say cocksucker! “would you like to talk to a person?” Fuck yes! “if you’d like to talk to a person, press one. If you’d like to talk to someone in English press two. Are you sure you don’t want to talk to someone in Spanish? Press three. Press four if you’d like to move to the next menu. Press five if you’re getting somewhat irritated. Press six if you’re my bitch. Press seven. You know you want to. Press eight, daddy. Do it. Press nine.” What are the chances of talking to a real person? “zero, press it!” Beep! Beep! Beep! [Indian accent] “hello. Did you want to talk to a real person?” Yes! Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Where are you? You’re a real person? “very much so.” Where are you? “I am on the phone with you.” What is your name? “Thomas Edison.” Don’t fuck with me, Thomas. “don’t fuck with me, Mork. I know who you are.” What? “I know about you googling cocksucker, So don’t piss me off. And I have access to a nuclear device. And I can say it unlike your former president, so don’t fucking piss me off.” Change a light bulb, change a light bulb, change a light bulb now. [imitating Chinese] China is now outsourcing many American products as we speak. You send us your cat food, we send it back to you– [gasps] sorry about kitty. We make your toys. Oh, Timmy can’t take lead? How sad for him. And now Chinese families are adopting American lesbians. Payback is a bitch. Now… China makes a lot of money off us. But we’re gonna get some money back soon because they’re gonna open a Disneyland in Shanghai. It’ll be cool. It’ll have characters like Mickey Mao. There’ll be duck Xiaoping. You go down main street– there’ll be 12 Donald Ducks Hanging upside down in the market. That’ll be cool. And there’ll be the village people’s republic going, ♪ young Mao, there’s a place you can go ♪ ♪ I say, young Mao. ♪ And before the Olympics The Tibetans were demonstrating against the Chinese. It was kind of sad too, because the Chinese accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker– it just doesn’t fit. And then California went, “we are gonna boycott Chinese products In sympathy with the Tibetans.” then they went, “fuck, they make everything.” And they even make the “free tibet” stickers, So it’s fucking insane. And the weird thing in the Chinese Olympics, Beijing– one of the most polluted cities in the world. During the Olympics no pollution. How did they pull this off? I believe they sent one billion Chinese into Beijing. Everyone breathe in… [exhales] One of my favorite events during the Olympics was women’s gymnastics, which is kind of a misnomer. These are not women. These are Shetland females. And some of the events are a little… [chuckles] like the uneven parallel bars is a bit like horizontal pole dancing. It’s like, daddy would like to watch this alone, if you don’t mind. And who invented that event? Was there some German at a playground going, “here’s my idea for girls in tight clothing– I want you to put on spandex And then spin around on the upper bar, and slam your vagina into the lower bar, spin around. Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Spread your legs and then dismount and make it look like you had a good time.” What? Weird. And they do all this incredible stuff. And if their foot goes one inch to the right, you’re fucked! And who invented the pommel horse? Was it a cowboy with A.D.D. Going, “I’m on the horse, I’m off the horse, I’m on the horse, I’m off the horse”? No. My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug-test an African distance runner. Are you on drugs? “no, I’m looking for food.” And I’m sure in Kenya There’s a chicken that runs a sub-two-hour marathon. You just won the New York marathon. How do you feel? [clucks] What did he say? He’s wondering where the Ethiopians are. One of my favorite runners of all time Was Abebe Bikila. He was an Ethiopian distance runner and he won the Rome Olympics running barefoot. He was then sponsored by Adidas. He ran the next Olympics, He carried the fucking shoes. No performance enhancement there, no way. Because always people are looking for performance enhancement. Cut to the American swim team with their new porpoise foreskin swimsuits– Full-body condom swimsuits. What the fuck was going on? These guys were shaved like a Brazilian hooker to begin with. What was going on? Was there one pubic hair like… [blows raspberry] And they put on that full-body condom– even the penis is like, “I’m in here. Help me.” But I realized the moment you do that– No nutsack drag. You’re a Ken doll all of a sudden. Are you ready to swim? [high voice] I think so. But no more– no more nutsack drag. .05 nutsack drag with this. Then you get to the end of the pool .05 faster. Why? No nutsack drag. And the French got pissed off going, “they have no nutsack drag. They’re cheating.” And Michael Phelps is on the box of frosted flakes. Then he gets caught smoking weed and then take him off the box of frosted flakes. – [man boos] – this is a failure in marketing, my friends. Listen, if you’re basically having frosted flakes and you’re older than 10 years old and it’s after 10:00 in the morning… – [laughter] – …I’m gonna guess Weed may be involved. And you can’t tell me Marijuana is a performance-enhancing drug. Fuck off. It’s only a performance-enhancing drug If there’s a fucking chocolate bar at the end of the pool. Then even a one-legged swimmer will go, “I will beat your ass.” But performance enhancement doesn’t always include drugs. Cut to miss Semenya, the South African middle-distance runner who turns out to be a he/she. She’s a hermaphrodite. She can have her own biathlon– kind of neat. But this is not new. The East Germans used to have really butch female sprinters. Olga, you just won the 100 meters. How do you feel? [deep voice] “really good Is that a penis? “no, just a very large clitoris.” Oh. And the Germans used to give their athletes pure fucking speed. They would finish a race going, “Hans, you just won a race. How do you feel?” “wonderful! But the spiders are crawling all over me again.” And the one drug they seem to have the most problem with is steroids. And there are always these poor fuckers who get caught doing steroids And they deny it, and yet they look like a Mardi Gras float. Bubba, are you doing steroids? “no.” Where’s your neck? “I haven’t seen it for a while.” What about your balls? “I don’t know.” You’re taking horse genome. “no!” No. And it’s weird too. Why would people take steroids in football When in football the object of the game is to be a big fucking mountain of flesh breaking past another mountain of flesh And grabbing the little guy and going, “tell me about the rabbits”? That’s the game. But maybe if you get caught doing steroids instead of kicking you off the team you have to take another drug like ecstasy to compensate? It’s gonna make the huddles a lot more fun. You’re gonna come into the huddle like, “hi. sorry about the long count. I just felt such love.” And the other drug that people are doing is human growth hormone. I first heard about human growth hormone from Nick Nolte who was telling me the advances of human growth hormone. He was like, “Robin, human growth hormone is amazing. It’s taking 20– argh!” He went fucking stiff as a board. And I went, “I’ll get back to you, Nick. Good luck.” Insane. But there was one guy– one guy who had an amazing claim to fame in terms of drugs and sport. His name was Dock Ellis. And Dock Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows– thank you. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on L.S.D. Those who have taken L.S.D, tell the others how hard that might be. Fuck off. If I took L.S.D., I’d be talking to every blade of grass like, “sorry sorry.” To walk into a major-league baseball stadium like… the whole field is like… “fuck fuck fucfuck.” All the fans in the stadium like… the umpire walks out, it’s shiva… [chanting] The catcher steps out. Instead of a mask he’s wearing a Samurai mask. [imitate Japanese] Instead of a glove, it’s a vagina. “come to daddy!” The batter walks out. Instead of cleats, he’s got hooves. Yes, instead of a bat, it’s a cobra. [hisses] You walk out on the mound, even your glove’s going, “this is fucking weird.” The ball– “yes, I love you.” Let’s do this. “do it, daddy, do it.” [chanting] [screaming] Past the cobra, into the vagina. [chanting] For nine fucking innings? Fuck me. It’s like, wow. He should have his own black-light room at the Hall of Fame. When I was growing up they used to say, “Robin, drugs can kill you.” And now that I’m 58, my doctor’s going, “Robin, you need drugs to live.” And I realized my doctor’s my dealer now and a lot harder to get ahold of. And he’s always giving me free samples like, “yo, Robin, some lipitor, motherfucker. Try it out. That’s all I can hook you up with right now. I got an H.M.O. on my back, baby. That’s all I can do.” And it’s weird too– these drugs have side effects that go on for fucking days, Like tendency to grow another head. Oh my God. When we were growing up we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking. Cocaine– side effects were paranoia and ninjas on the lawn. I remember that. Quaaludes– side effects were Talking in tongues, English as a second language. I remember that. Marijuana– side effects side were laughter and frosted flakes. That’s all I remember. But now there are side effects which fucking rival the syndrome. There’s a syndrome called restless leg syndrome. What the fuck is that? A tendency to break out into a Riverdance? Like, “oh, dear Christ. Grandma’s got fucking restless leg syndrome. Take care of kids. I’m on my way to Dublin. Take care.” And side effects include compulsive gambling and obsessive sexual behavior. That’s not a side effect. That’s fucking Vegas. They should just give you a bus ticket and say, “good luck.” And how soon before they have a drug where side effects may include rectal ventriloquism? If your asshole starts talking, call the doctor or get friends over ’cause it’s gonna be a fun night. And what a great side effect for a politician. “I was never with that woman.” “liar! Liar! He’s an asshole and so am I!” And the one drug they give you that’s kind of wonderful before the surgery was viagra– A great drug, amazing, a lot of fun. After open-heart surgery– not so much fun. Taking viagra after open-heart surgery is like a civil war reenactment with live ammo– not good. It’s a duel to the death between your dick and your heart. The moment you take it, your penis is like, “I’m 25. Yes! Let’s do this!” And your heart’s going, “bullshit. We’re just back online, you asshole. Slow down. I’m gonna put a cramp in your calf. Argh!” And your penis is going, “I’ve still got the hips. Ramming speed, let’s do this.” And your heart’s going, “I’m throwing your back out. Fuck off. Argh!” And your penis is going, “I’m still hard. We’re going in. Yeah!” And your heart’s going, “I’m opening up your asshole.” [blows raspberry] Argh! “are you coming?” “no, I think I’m fucking dying.” And when you finally do come after an hour– And after an hour even my penis is going, “I got shit to do.” After an hour when you finally come it’s like, Argh! Agh! One drop of sperm… With two 50-year-old sperms going, “where the fuck are we? I never thought I’d be called into action. This is crazy.” I’m sure if you had a microscope, they both would have walkers, like, “keep moving. My tail is cramping, God damn it. Head towards the tits. I know my way from there.” And I’m sure there’s two othesperms in my balls going, “wait here. If she puts a finger in the ass, then we go.” Yes, indeed. But there’s another drug– Another drug they don’t tell you is a drug. It’s a class-4 narcotic– alcohol. And the only warning they have on the bottle of alcohol is “don’t drink this if you’re pregnant.” bullshit. That’s how you got pregnant. And alcohol is especially dangerous for people like myself– Alcoholics, or you can say “ethanol-challenged,” whatever you want to call it. And people go, “now, Robin, how do I know if I’m an alcoholic?” Well, as one, let me give you some warning signs. Number one– after a night of heavy drinking you wake up fully-clothed going, “hey, somebody shit in my pants.” Number two– you have a couple of cocktails and you find yourself on the freeway going, “what are these fuckers doing going the wrong way?”– number two. Number three– you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls. Ta-dah! You are an alcoholic. And some people say, “Robin, I’m a functioning alcoholic.” You can be one. It’s like being a paraplegic lap dancer. You can do it, just not as well as the others really. And they say alcoholism is peer pressure. Bullshit. Peer pressure for an alcoholic is, “psst, come here.” And I believe alcoholics are God’s rodeo clowns. We’re the ones doing the stupid shit nobody else will do. We’re the ones coming out of chute number five on a fifth of vodka like, “yee-haw!” looking for a woman who’s going, “you’re the one.” “yeah!” And we’re moody little motherfuckers too, ’cause we’ll be like, “Goddamn it, man, I love you. I’ll fucking kill you! Step outside, I’ll kick my ass. Goddamn it, let’s do this! Poor me. Goddamn poor me. Poor me… another drink.” And we think we’re sexy too, ’cause we’ll come up to women going like, “hey, baby. Were your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.” And we see nothing wrong with that. We’ve got backup. If that doesn’t work, we go, “hey, sit on my face. I’ll guess your weight. Yeah!” [barks] And ladies, if you take an alcoholic home for the night, oh, good luck. You’re in for a fun evening. It’s like playing pool with a rope. Good fucking luck. He’ll be like, “I love you. [retching] I love you.” And the next morning, that all-important question, “who the fuck are you?” [bleats] “oh my God. Well, at least I’ll get a sweater. Cool. Fuckin’-a.” ’cause, you see, as an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the devil would go, “dude.” And there’s a voice that tells alcoholics we can drink. It’s the same voice you hear if you can go up to the top of a very large building and you look over the side, there’s a little voice that goes, “jump. You can fly.” Even though your asshole is going, “no, you can’t.” And if you ever thought about jumping off a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and he survived. And he said this– he said, “halfway down I thought it was a bad idea.” And some things you may want to stay away from while drinking heavily: Ebay– not a good idea. Ebay and alcoholism– a perfect storm addiction. You’ll find yourself up to your ass In George Foreman grills and shamwows. Another thing you don’t want to do while really drunk is get a tattoo. I did. I got really loaded. I got a tattoo in mandarin that says “happiness and laughter” right here. I think it says that. I’ve never had a Chinese person that close to my balls Going, “that’s what it says.” But I had a friend get really fucked up and he got a tattoo in mandarin that’s supposed to say “golden warrior.” And a Chinese friend said, “no, it says ‘ass monkey.'” Then the idiot went out and got drunk again and got a tattoo in Hindu that was supposed to say “dawn of enlightenment.” And a Hindu friend said, “no, it says ‘deliveries on Tuesday.'” So he is not the ass monkey who delivers on Tuesday for the rest of his life. And girls, if you want to get that lovely tattoo of the sunrise rising out of your ass crack– gorgeous when you’re 20, but when you’re 50 It’s an octopus chasing a fucking starfish. So no. Be careful. And if they made a drug that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go, “what happens if you take two?” no. ’cause we have these things called blackouts as alcoholics. It’s not really blackouts. It’s more like sleepwalking with activities. Kind of strange. I believe it’s your conscience going into a witness protection program. It’s your conscience going, “you’re about to fuck a hobbit. I gotta go. Good luck.” I’m gonna leave the dick on and after an hour I’m opening up the asshole, but that didn’t stop you Tuesday. Good luck. Take care.” And alcoholics, we’re like assholes. We can’t wait to shit on everybody– family, friends. We’ll be like, “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Go fuck yourself. Fuck you. Fuck. I’m fucked.” And they tried to send my ass to rehab, and I went, “yeah yeah yeah.” And I went to rehab in wine country just to keep my options open. And while I was in rehab I read an article in “The Inquirer” about my being drunk. It was like, “that poor fuck. Oh, fuck, that’s me.” And the weird thing too about when you read articles in “The Inquirer” or “TMZ” and you’re looking at all these assholes going, “those poor motherfuckers.” And only the Germans could come up with the word for that– Feeling pleasure at other people’s misfortune. It’s called schadenfreude. And only the Germans could go, “we found the fucking word for that. God bless you.” I was once on a German talk show. And if you want to go on one, it’s a lot of fun. It’s really fun. And I was on this German talk show and this woman said to me, she said, “Mr. Williams, why do you think there’s not so much comedy in Germany?” And I said, “did you and ever think you killed, all the funny people?” [laughter] And it was– And here’s what got interesting. She didn’t bat an eyelash. She just went, “no.” At that point even God’s going, “do you get it?” German comedy: Knock knock, we ask the questions. It’s like the French production of “Anne Frank”– “she’s upstairs!” And we have a German Pope now. How do you get a German Pope? Well, it’s a tough gig. they don’t retire the jersey like Magic Johnson. You stay in the chair to the bitter end. Remember John Paul II? It was like, [imitates Latin] in nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti. We’re lucky he didn’t have dementia in the Yankee Stadium, going, “everybody gets pudding. Chocolate pudding. Chocolate pudding.” And when the pope dies, the Vatican finds out you’re dead the old-fashioned way: They have a guy come with a silver hammer– not maxwell– but he comes and he basically comes in– he basically comes in and goes, pwap! And if the Pope goes, “ahh!” “one more week! He’s got another week!” And the moment the Pope dies, they take him through Saint Peter’s Basilica and 50,000 cell phones are like… [clicking] and I’m sure that was his last wish. “when I die, I want to be a screen saver.” And then what happens? The College of Cardinals, they all go into a small dark room and the only thing that comes out is smoke. And I’m going, “what are you doing in there?” And I believe they have da Vinci’s hookah. And they’re inside getting a little loaded, going… [inhaling] “I got a crazy idea. No no no, wait wait wait! Wait, listen, this is crazy. No, wait! The last Pope was Polish, right? Yeah, no, wait– this is a good one! Hold on. How about this? No, wait, this is crazy. How about this? A Nazi!” [laughs] “no no, Hitler youth. It’s like boy scouts with artillery. It’s great! It’ll scare the shit out of the Jews. They’ll be like, ‘oy!'” And I was hoping, rather than a German Pope, they would do something cool like a Latin american Pope, man. That would have been cool, like Pope Enrique. Yeah! That would be cool. And he’d have the cool pope-mobile Like, “Ave Maria! Check it out– [scatting ]” or a Brazilian Pope, ’cause then you could have the samba nuns in the thongs Going, “come on back to the church. Come on back to the church. You know you want to come back to the church. Come on back to the church.” I’m sure the kids would go, “fuck the internet! I’m going back to church.” But it’s weird. The Vatican and homosexuality– oil, water. The Pope is always, “homosexuality is an abomination.” Time out. “you’re the Pope?” “yes.” “you’re dressed like Freddy Mercury’s stunt double. Your purse is on fire and you’re surrounded by hundreds of boys. And you’ve had kind of a problem in the after-school area.” And why is there a problem with pedophilia in the Catholic Church? Well, it’s a big deal. You become a priest– retire this. And once a week, we’re gonna put you in a small dark box and people are gonna tell you their nastiest sexual shit. “bless me, father, for I have sinned.” “yes, my son?” “last night I had sex with two Thai twins, a slip ‘n slide, a diving helmet, and a ferret.” “could you say that slower, my son?” And I believe the Vatican’s gonna come out one day and come out big. It’s gonna be… ♪ in nomine patris… ♪ [loudly] ♪ et spiritus santi! ♪ ♪ one secular sensation ♪ ♪ all the folks you meet ♪ ♪ da da da da da da! ♪ ♪ one singular salvation ♪ ♪ every word on the street! ♪ ♪ da da da da da da! ♪ And there still will be the evangelicals going, “homosexuality is a sickness.” And the same Reverend will be caught buying crack from a gay prostitute going, “we were just playing tummy swords.” And then he’ll deny it going, “I did not perform a homosexual act.” “no, you didn’t. Elton John is a homosexual act. You just blew that guy. It’s okay.” And this Reverend went to rehab for homosexuality. I’m going, “I was in rehab. I didn’t see that wing. There was no cockenders in my rehab.” And is homosexuality a preexisting condition? What the fuck? And the other people that come out against the whole thing are the Mormons. They came out against gay marriage big time. And with gay marriage, you couldn’t even say “gay marriage.” In California you couldn’t call it “gay marriage.” It was like, “what do we call it?” “we’ll call it ‘same-sex marriage.'” And people who have been married for a long time are going, “that’s a little redundant. If you’ve been married a long time, it’s always the same sex. Shut the fuck–” What? And then they said, “we’ll call it a union.” Then the union guys get pissed going, “it’s not a fucking union. It’s not ‘local cocksuckers #69.'” And you’re going, “wait a minute, Canada has gay marriage. Do you want all the gay people to immigrate to Canada? Then they’ll win figure skating for the next 200 years! No! They’re already the nicest people on the planet. Do you want them to be the best dressed? That’s bullshit!” And the whole thing– and we talked briefly about this before– the other people that come out against gay marriage were the Mormons. Basically the Mormons– the people that used to do polygamy– they used to perfect polygamy. A Mormon giving marital advice is like the octomom Running a Planned Parenthood Clinic. And if the answer to “who’s your daddy?” is multiple choice, come with me, my friend. And who thought polygamy was a great idea? Who got married and went, “my one marriage isn’t going so well. I’d like to double down.” Fuck off, man! And if you– why would you want another strong opinion? Even if you marry a deaf and a blind girl, they will fucking communicate! And they will work out that you are the asshole. In marriage, I’ve learned this: In marriage there’s penalties for early withdrawal and deposit in another account. Remember that. And alimony doesn’t stop people. Alimony– look at a guy. You could call it all the money and guys would still be going, “I’m in. Let’s do this.” Look at Donald Trump. He’s always going, “this one’s broken. Bring me another one. Ha ha ha!” But maybe there should be a three-strike law with marriage. If you want to get married for a fourth time, you have to give up a body part. Then that might slow people down. Like, “Bob, how many times you been married?” “four times, Robin.” “Ted, how many times you been married?” [garbled] “five times, Robin. Five times.” Larry King would just be a fucking head on a stick. And… You talk about intelligent design– look at the human body. It’s waste-processing plant Near a recreation area. How intelligent is that? And they say the platypus was an animal designed by committee. Was the human body designed by committee? Was there a group of guys who designed it? Was the guy going, “Tom, do you have those designs For the human reproductive system?” “I do, Ted. Let’s show you what we came up with. Normally with the mammal penis, we have the retractable. We decided to something different for the mammal– The male penis for the human. We call it ‘the collapsible.’ kind of fun. And look at this: Murray came up with the idea of making the covering optional. Thank you, Murray. Way to go. When we take the covering off, it’s a little sharp, a little pointy. We need something on the top to soften it up. Bob, what was your idea?” “a mushroom cap.” “thank you, Bob. We put the mushroom cap on the top and it’s kind of a tool ’cause when it’s retracted, it looks like a little toad stool and when it’s erect like a little soldier– thank you. And Tim put a piece of sting up at the top. Thank you, Tim. I guess to tune it. Thank you, Tim. And we run the semen out the top and urine through– We also run urine through there. We call it multitasking, or ‘coming and going.’ Kind of a fun concept. And initially we just had the sperm stored inside the penis itself like a toothpaste tube– pbbt! Gone. So we need something to store it in and produce it. What was your idea, Carl?” “nuts.” “thank you, Carl. Initially we used walnuts. We’ve had good luck with those in the past.” And the human males are going, “we can’t sneak up on the females.” “what do you mean? Listen.” [clucking] “got it. Forget the coconuts. Let’s try something different! Bob, what was your idea to replace them?” “balls.” “balls! That’s it. Who doesn’t like balls? What fun. Initially we used three balls, and here’s some of the tests with the three balls. They were going everywhere. The male was, like, playing with the balls, playing with the balls. And we went, ‘we’d better put those in a bag.’ So we decided to make a bag and the only thing we had lying around was some old turkey neck. I said, ‘use it! Let’s try it.’ So… We put the balls in the turkey neck and, um… it’s ugly. I think… Yeah. Next to the asshole, it’s one of the uglier things we made, really. And we got some negative feedback from the females who were going, ‘we’re not going down there unless you cover that up!’ ‘okay!’ so we put some garnish around it. And initially we made the hair straight. The females: ‘my eyes!’ ‘okay.’ Curly! We put curly hair. And initially we put the hair everywhere– even the top of the penis. And it looked like my uncle Phil. Like, ‘hey, how are you?’ So we just went with a topiary thing, which was kind of fun. And then the females went, ‘we’ll go down there now.’ Thank you, ladies. Thank you. Which is cool because you can start the penis orally– thank you; Manually– thank you, Manuel, for finding that out; finger in the ass– Ted found that out. He said it was an accident. Kidder. And if you play with the balls, the penis likes that. It’s kind of fun. But we did find out a negative thing about the balls. If you hit them really hard, it’s a total system reset. It’s like… if it was a slot machine, it would pay. It was kind of rough. But that’s essentially the design for the penis. Initially we gave the male about 800 sperms and those were gone in a millisecond. And now we give him 8 to 9 billion, and he shoots them everywhere: tits, drapes. We found some on the ceiling. Those are the overachievers. We hope some make it to the vagina. In terms of the vagina, Carl’s in charge of the vagina project. Carl, what did you come up with?” “well, normally with the mammal vagina, you have the genital slit or opening. We decided to accessorize it.” “what did you accessorize it with, Carl?” “curtains. We just thought it makes it less of an opening and more of a show, really. Kind of– we had some old lips lying around. We said, ‘try those! Let’s give it a go.’ And initially we made it horizontal, and… the damn thing talked. It was weird. And the first time it talked, the males were going, ‘I’m not going down there if it talks! I’ve already got one opinion down here! I don’t need a second one!’ Fine. So now we made it vertical and now it just farts. So– and the first time it went, it was like… [neighs ]. ‘easy, big fella.’ And the asshole got offended, saying, ‘that’s my job!’ ‘okay, hold on. Yours will smell. Not to worry. Not to worry.’ But we needed something kind of special– one last little thing that would really work. And Clint came up with a brilliant idea. And I think we’re gonna name it– it’s kind of wonderful. Clint, what was your idea?” “a doorbell.” “thank you, Clint. You ring the doorbell, the curtains open. It’s kind of fun. Some guys can’t find it. Others don’t know when to stop ringing it. But you ring the doorbell, the curtains open, the penis goes inside. And Tom worked out some choreography for the balls that’s kind of fun. That’s really… it gets everything ready to go. And the sperms fly out up into the human female. She carries the egg. Normally we gave it– we tried first giving the egg to the male. He kept losing it. And we went, ‘fine.’ We gave it to the female. She carries it. And then we thought, ‘the male will be in charge of feeding the infant.’ We gave the human male two breasts. And the male is like, ‘ha!’ ‘okay, nipples. That’s all.’ We thought, ‘the female will be in charge of feeding the infant too.’ So we gave her six breasts like a mammal. And the male was like, ‘ha ha! Ah ha ha!’ ‘two hands, two tits! That’s it.’ And so the female will, carry the infant to term’ and it will come out through the curtains. And they get wide… like Broadway. And she’ll also feed the infant. The male will assist. Ha ha! But we do have one major design flaw. We’ve tried to wire the penis to the conscience and it keeps short circuiting.” And it’s weird too– the whole thing. I mean, every since I was a little boy, it was like, The first time I was cleaning it, it went off. “I’m sorry!” And then later on it was like, breasts. “breasts breasts! Aha ha ha!” Vagina. “vagina vagina!” And by the time you get to be 58, it gets a little more difficult. “okay, here’s what you gotta do: You put a sparkler in your ass. I’ll set my pubic hair on fire. You put on a German army helmet. You jump off the couch yelling, ‘fire in the hole!’ That might work. I don’t know.” And then… If that doesn’t work, there’s always pornography. And the definition of pornography is quite simple: Erotic is using a feather; pornography is using the entire chicken, which is weird. And I’ve been watching a little bit of porn since I’ve been on the road. “a little?” shut up. That’s fine. And with porn movies, they don’t have coming attractions ’cause if it was, you’d be like, “oh, done. Thank you. Fine.” With porn movies, when you’re watching them, it’s basically, they’re an hour and a half long. And who watches an entire fucking porn movie? One guy up there going, “I do.” But an entire porn– an hour and a half long? Even with fast forwarding– fast forwarding you’re like, “ahhhhh! Ahh ahhhhh ahhhhh!” What? No! And the one thing you don’t want with porn is basically slow motion, ’cause it’s like, “haaa.” Prrrggh! “ahhh!” [slow groaning] And the acting– the acting in porn movies is always so bad. There’s always that one girl who’s like… [giggling] It’s not Miss America. Stay with the dick! What are you doing? And why do they always have to have such bad actors? They’re always like, “I’m going to fuck you… so hard.” Even my right hand is going, “I don’t believe him.” But there’s scripts. There’s scripts for porn movies. Somebody’s writing this stuff going, “‘I’m going to fuck you… So hard… You little whore.’ okay, that’s it for today.” And then they’re on a porn movie set going, “‘I’m going to fuck you…’ Line?” “fuck you hard, you little whore.” “thank you! I just need a moment.” And that’s fucking weird too. And there’s been porn for centuries. Was there radio porn? Was there George Burns going, “well, tea-bag me, Gracie.” I don’t know. Did John Wayne have a “Brokeback Mountain” moment of going, “well, stuffy, we’re going up the old jizzom trail right now. God damn it, here we go.” And Walter Brennan going, “oh, duke, you’re tearing my ass apart! Gad ya! I can’t quit ya! I can’t God damn quit ya!” Was Gregory Peck going, “I’m going to glaze you like a danish.” Did Jimmy Stewart basically go, “well, just play with my balls. Just a little bit. Yeah. Just dangle the twins around. And put a finger in my heinie if you’re a friend. Yeah! Two if you’re a pal. Yeah.” There’s one guy who could do porn and I think we all would watch. That guy is Chris Walken. Oh God, yes. Oh my God, he would be amazing. Chris would be up there going, “I’m… inside you. So deep inside you now, fucking you now, inside you, deep inside you now, yes, now. I came… an hour ago.” And it’s not bad enough they make porn movies. They make porn movies of my movies. They made “Goodwill Humping.” it’s okay. “Wet Dreams May Come.” all right. “Snatch Adams.” that was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Fuck off! You know, “Popeye” I would watch. Popeye would be like, “oh, God yeah, Olive Oyl, Come on now, yeah! Blow me now. Yeah. Come on, Olive Oyl, yeah. You got no tits and a tight box. Oh, God, gud-ack-ack-ack-ack! Yeah! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ooh! I creamed me spinach! Yeah.” Good night! [cheering] Whoo! Oh my God. Whoo! Whoa! Sit down quick! Thank you. Damn. Shoo! – Thank you. Wow. – Oooh! This is– “oooh!” wow! – [cheering] – oh! Thank you, baby! This is weird. Right now I feel like, “what are you gonna do now, smart ass? You just did, ‘ack ack!’ no, follow that. Good luck, boy.” It’s weird. Some people say I look like Bono, and I’m going, “what the fuck are you on?” But it said that Bono was onstage recently in Scotland and it got very quiet like right now. And he started clapping his hands. And he said, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies. And from the back of the Scottish audience, somebody went, “then stop fucking clapping your hands!” It’s weird though. I want to do something kind of special right now and dedicate it to a friend of mine. It was a man I knew– a very interesting guy– Walter Cronkite. Incredible man. And we worked together on a Disney project years ago. [applause] And he was a very eloquent and elegant man, but Walter had another side. Basically, he liked his jokes like he liked his ocean, a little blue. So I would like to do a joke right now for Walter as Walter in his memory. [as Cronkite] a man and his wife are having sex. They’re going at it hot and heavy. Suddenly they hear a noise. It’s their little son Timmy standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room. The father goes, “I’ll go talk to Timmy.” He goes to Timmy’s room. He opens the door. And little Timmy is giving it hot and heavy to grandma. The father goes, “oh my God.” And little Timmy says, “not so funny when it’s your mother, is it?” Good night! Thank you, D.C.! God bless you! Buenas noches! The peeps in the top! Thank you! May we have health care! God bless you! Have a good night! Whoo! Oh! |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/greg-davies-you-magnificent-beast-full-transcript/ | GREG DAVIES: YOU MAGNIFICENT BEAST (2018) – Full Transcript | greg davies | ♪ Now I’m not trying to be rude ♪ But, hey, pretty girl, I’m feeling you ♪ ♪ The way you do the things you do Reminds me of my Lexus Coupe ♪ ♪ Baby, give me that toot-toot Let me give you that beep-beep ♪ ♪ Running my hands through my ‘fro Bouncing on 24s ♪ ♪ It’s the remix to “Ignition” Hot and fresh out the kitchen ♪ ♪ Mama rolling that body Got every man in here wishin’ ♪ ♪ Sippin’ on coke and rum I’m like, “So what? I’m drunk ♪ ♪ It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby I’m about to have me some fun ♪ It’s always good to start a television special with a joke that you’ll never be able to air, isn’t it? -[laughs] So– -[woman] I want you to have my baby! Eh? [woman] Will you have my baby? Will I have your babies? Gut instinct says no. Definitely no. It’s definitely no. I have a system for stand up. My system is, I go home to Shropshire, where I’m from, with a notepad and a pen, and I wait for my parents to say weird shit. Then I come and tell you. That’s my system. Right? I had some problems this time. Problem number one… About three years ago, my dad, very selfishly, died. You’re pissed off. I had three shows left in him. Problem number two… My mom pulled me to one side when she heard I was gonna do a new show. And she went, “I don’t want you to talk about me anymore.” And I went, “What?!” She said, “I want you to stop talking about me onstage.” I went, “Why?” She goes, “You’ve had two shows out of me. You’ve humiliated me on stages all around the country. Honestly, I think you’ve had your money’s worth.” And she’s right, ladies and gentlemen. I have. I’ve made thousands. Thousands out of her. So I stood there, going, “Shit! What the fuck am I gonna talk about?” Anyway, then she changed the subject. And this is what she said… She said, “Have you been watching any of that Oscar Pistorius retrial?” I went, “Here we go. All right. No, mom, I haven’t. Why?” She goes, “You haven’t watched any?” I said, “I think I read a little about it.” She goes, “What do you think?” I went, “What do you mean?” -She said, “Do you think he did it?” -I said, “He did do it.” She says, “I know he did. Do you think you meant to do it?” I went, “Well… I’m not sure why we’re talking about this, old lady, but if you want my opinion, yeah, he lost his temper and he shot her.” She went, “That’s what I think. Yeah.” Then she said two things. “Now, I want you to tell me if you were in my position, would you break a promise you’ve made to your 77-year-old mother?” ‘Cause they’re both fucking astonishing. Bearing in mind that Oscar Pistorius shot his girlfriend to death… Even the build up is hilarious. She said, this.. “That silly lad. [laughing] What a tyke. What a little tinker.” Then she followed it up with the all-time classic. “He had the world at his feet.” He fucking didn’t, did he? I said, “Don’t expect me not to use that onstage, old woman. It’s gold!” Recently… she said the worst sentence that anyone’s ever said to me. Imagine that in my business. We went for a meal. We went for a steak together. I can’t speak for the other middle-aged people in the room, but I find that with every year that passes, I have less and less to look forward to in life. So when I go for a meal… I fucking have it. I am consuming it, and I am consumed by it. My world goes… [mimics doors closing] and I’m just… “Oh, yeah. [imitates chewing] Oh, that meat is cooked to perfection. The futility of life… I’d just briefly forgotten the futility of life.” My mom’s opposite me, and since she’s on her own, it’s a constant stream of bullshit coming out of her mouth. Largely about people I’ve never even met. So I’m there going, “Oh, yeah. “Oh, my knife just glides through it.” [imitating chattering] “Oh, she had a stroke in Tesco. She fell into the salad bar.” “I might just put my meat into the peppercorn sauce.” “He’s riddled with arthritis. He can’t even pick a cup up.” “I might put a chip with the meat. Just have the combination of the potato and the meat.” “You should see what they’ve done with the town hall. Multicultural mural.” I was on total food lockdown. I didn’t hear a word she said.
Then something just slipped through my radar just very briefly. And I couldn’t quite let it go. I was just… [chewing] “I’ll just put some sweet corn on the end of my fork.” “Christine said to me, ‘We should both get one of those rabbits.'” “Just have some broccoli for health.” I couldn’t quite let it go. Do you know what I mean? It kept racing around my mind. I found myself going, “That’s strange. Why would they be buying a pet at their age?” “Christine said, ‘I don’t mind ordering them, but they’re coming to your house.'” I went, “All right, what the fuck? Are you talking about dildos?” She went, “Yes.” I went, “Why? I’m your son.” She said, “I thought you’d find it funny.” “Funny? The idea of you two hammering away at yourselves?” I may have done this show in my hometown last week. Mom saw it. Suitably mortified. “Oh, disgusting! Absolutely disgusting.” She sent me a text the next day, which I’m gonna keep on my phone for the rest of my life. Wanna see it? Have a look. “Hello, love. I’d prefer it if you wouldn’t do that vibrator routine in your show. When you ignore this and do it anyway, at least make it clear to your audiences that neither Christine or myself have ever bought or used a sex aid.” Contract fulfilled, old woman. But it must have got to me, ’cause I found myself thinking, “I wonder if there’s something nice I can tell everyone. A nice story I can tell about my mom to take away the taste of the filth, you know?” So I found myself going, “Oh, let me see.” And I thought of something. When I was eight years of age, just eight, I was gonna say little Greg, but I was a freak of nature then, as well. Not the six-foot-eight monstrosity you see before you, but I was still disgustingly long. I went past Clinton Cards, which if you don’t know the shop, it’s for people with no taste, largely. Bankrupt. And stringy old eight-year-old Greg, skipped past Clinton Cards and there was a bear in the window, three-foot tall. And I remember going, “If only I could have that. That toy, that… long toy for a long boy.” I said to my mom, “I’ve seen this giant bear, could I have it?” She goes, “Well, we’ll chat with Santa and see what he says.” I go, “Okay.” A couple of days later, she came back, and she went, “I’m sorry, love. I’ve spoken to Santa, and… I’m afraid that bear is £75. Santa can’t afford it this year.” I thought, “That’s a shame, although Santa does appear to be able to afford quite a lot of fucking cigarettes.” I was on to Santa. I’d met him the year before. I was sharing a room with my sister. He came in. His fag was glowing in the dark. He was clearly shit-faced. When I said, “Hello, Santa,” he told me to piss off in a woman’s voice. So, I was on to Santa. But I thought, “Fair enough, she can’t afford it.” I just let it go. Now, it obviously got to her, ’cause a couple of days later, she came back… She went, “Oh… I’ve spoken to my friend Carol. We think we can make you a giant bear.” And I remember thinking, “Uh…” I was only eight years of age, but I thought, “Oh… that sounds shit, doesn’t it? That sounds shit.” She took a dirty old blue blanket out of the garage, and I thought, “Yep, this is gonna be shit.” Then every two days on the buildup to Christmas, she’d come over… “Project’s coming on. Project’s coming on.” Christmas day, I ran into the front room and under the tree, there was a giant parcel for me. And I ripped it open. And there he was. I met him for the first time. BT. “Blue Ted.” Five-foot tall. Five foot. They added two feet onto it. And he became a firm friend of mine for many years to come. He really did. Like I said. It’s just… You seem surprised. It’s just a nice story. No, no. No, there’s no need for that. We’re not in America. It’s fine. Sorry, I forgot to say… I went home recently and found a picture of BT. -Would you like to meet him? -[cheering] I can’t hear you. -[cheering continuing] -Would you like to meet him? Here he is. What the fuck is that? Because it isn’t a bear, is it ladies and gentlemen? A fucking frog, maybe. It scared the living shit out of me. It looks like ET, doesn’t it? If anything. Oh, incidentally, I don’t know the last time you watched ET, I watched it three weeks ago. It was on one Sunday, and I was drawn into that film the way I was as a child. It was the scene in the woodshed when Elliott first uncovers ET. And his little glowing finger comes out. And I thought, “God, that’s a magical film, ET.” And my mate Rich was next to me. He ruined that film in one sentence, and I’m about to ruin it for you now. ‘Cause he said– I was going, “Oh, God… this is like being a child.” And Rich went, “Tell you what, mate, if I found something like that in my shed, I’d stove it’s fucking head in with a shovel.” And he’s right, isn’t he? If you think about it for one second, he’s right. If you found that in your shed, you would panic, and you would stamp the cunt to death. [speaks gibberish] It talks! Mom! A little early in the record to be calling ET a cunt, isn’t it? I like to call ET a cunt. It’s funny when you film something and you can hear things being cut out as you say them. [mimics cutting] ET’s a cunt. Well, I stand by it. He is a cunt. [laughs] Look… my point is… [laughs] Can I just say to the lady who just looked at me really seriously, the more upset you are, the funnier I find it. Look… look… Guys. My point is… it’s a weird looking creature. Right? But it’s a mom doing her best for her son. She couldn’t afford what I wanted, so she did her best. I think we can all agree, it’s a sweet story, isn’t it? Or it would be… But when I got to 13 years of age, ladies and gentleman, I fucked that bear. I did. Sorry. I fucked him right in his furry backside. And I didn’t fuck him once, I’ll tell you that. I fucked him for a whole summer. I was out in the park, playing with my friends. And I’d fuck that every day. Mom would shout, “Time to get up for school, Greg.” I was too busy knocking the back end out of this. You can see it in his eyes if you look closer. Haunted. Haunted. I’ll be honest with you. He could stand up on his own after a while. “Very funny, Greg. Very funny! First you make me out to be a mad old lady. Now I find out you’ve been fornicating with the toys I made for you. It’s disgusting.” I say, “It’s just a laugh, Mom.” She goes, “It’s a laugh for you. It’s my reputation you’re out there ruining. What’s the show called? You’re all right, aren’t you?” The show has always been “You Magnificent Beast.” There’s a reason for that. I was moving through London in a cab with the window open. A drunk student saw me, recognized me. He dove through the window of the moving cab. He grabbed me by the throat, and he went, “Oh, yeah. You magnificent beast.” He just let go. Honestly, as far as I know, he could be dead. But I got a title for my show. The honest truth is, the next day I found myself… “Yes, I am. Yes, I am.” I thought, “I’m gonna write a show about how magnificent I am. How magnificent we all are. That’s what my show is gonna be about. How unique all human beings are. How we’ve all got something to offer.” I started getting quotes together, inspirational quotes about humans. Look at this. I think it’s wonderful. “Child of heaven born from the womb of a star.” All of us. Another one… “Man’s goodness is a flame that can be hidden but never extinguished.” Nelson Mandela said that. I hope this doesn’t seem arrogant, but I do see myself as the white Nelson Mandela. Thank you. Thank you. Another one. “No species has ever had such wholesale control over everything on Earth.” Attenborough said that. We believe anything Attenborough said. I thought, “This show is gonna write itself.” I start getting images together of the wonderful things all human beings have done. And my mom, still smarting, went, “Yeah, I’m a mad old lady who’s had her youth, had it away with. And you’re a magnificent beast? How about your lift your shirt up in front of the mirror, love? See how magnificent you are.” I will do. Yeah. Have a look. Look at it. Look at what I’ve done to myself. Nothing magnificent about this, is there? I thought, “She’s got a point.” When I thought about it more, I thought, “There’s nothing magnificent about a middle-aged human being anyway. Middle-age is dreadful.” I’m gonna come and talk to one of my middle-aged friends. This is where I massively offend someone. -What’s your name? -Sean. Sean, you’re how old? Sorry? -Forty-seven. -Couple years younger than me? -Are you enjoying middle age? -Yep. Are you up for a piss in the night? -A couple of times. -Twice. We’re at the same prostate level. It’s called “galia melon.” Two pisses a night, I’m the same. You’re two years younger than me. I’ll tell you, things have happened to me that you’ve got to look forward to. And I just want to share them with the young people. In the last two years, my nails have become four times thicker than they used to be. Just imagine that, young people. Imagine not being able to bite through your own fucking nails. What’s the evolutionary miracle about that, David Attenborough? In case I fancy skittering up a wall like a fucking lizard? I’ve started behaving weirdly. I’ve started buying folk music. No one likes folk music, not even the singers. They can’t be bothered to sing out of their mouths. [singing gibberish] I’ve got albums full of the shit round my place. In the Sunday supplement, I ordered one of those things you put on your stomach to try and make you not fat without doing exercise. You know the electrocution things? And at a real low point in my life, I found myself electrocuting myself whilst listening to folk music. [singing gibberish] ♪ The hills of Donegal ♪ You can turn it up really fast as well. [sings gibberish] I had to stop ’cause I thought I was gonna shit myself. Then I had a real wake-up call. I did some warm up gigs and had my friend support me. Ed Gamble, who’s a young, beautiful comic. and then… Ed. You talk about weird things when you’re on the road together. And Ed, a much younger, prettier boy, he made very casual reference to when he got back to the hotel that night, he was gonna have a “tidy up” downstairs. And I went, “What?” He said, “I’m going to have a little.. trim downstairs.” -Sean? -Yes. [laughs] -Yeah. -You trimming? I have trimmed. You’re all trimming, aren’t you? All you men are trimming, and it passed me by, “manscaping.” I’m like, “What the fuck are you on about? Have a trim downstairs?” He goes, “Come on, Grandad. Everyone’s trimming.” Which men here are trimming? Just give me a cheer. [scattered cheering] Okay, fine. I didn’t know it was a thing. I missed it. I know that you women have been, you know…. So you wanna hear a thing that’s not gonna make it into the show? I was gonna say “waxing that rat.” Unbelievable. Snip, snip, out it comes. But it never occurred to me. I panicked. At the hotel, I thought, “I better check this out.” I took my clothes off, went to the bathroom, and I stood in front of the mirror to see how bad things were. Oh, my God. I had never noticed it before. A giant, graying ’70s afro. Awful! It looked like Don King was riding on the back of a depressed mini-elephant. I thought, “You’re never get another girlfriend. You fat prick. There’s only one person who’s gonna be interested in that.” And the fucking bear’s in hiding. So, I thought, “I’m gonna have to do something about this.” So I did. I went back to my bedroom, and I did something about it. Well, ladies and gentlemen… there were hairs down there like the mooring ropes of the Titanic. I knew I was in trouble ’cause I used my beard trimmer to do it. The motor started panicking when it hit bush. [imitates razor whirring] I(t’s like I was fucking angle-grinding. Took me 20 minutes to get the worst of it out. Five or six pounds of silvery bush on the floor. Looked like burnt tinsel. I went back to the full-length mirror to check out my handiwork. Very nice. Very nice. The pubes I’m talking about obviously, not what was beneath them. The mini-elephant was as depressing as ever, just lolling… “What are we doing?” “I was just… I was just trimming your pubes.” “Okay. Anything else?” “While we’re here, I suppose we could have a piss.” “Okay. [sputters] Not finished.” [groans] [sputters] “Okay. Bedtime.” Anyway… I went back to bed with a little spring in my step that night. I thought, “Yes, very nice, big man. You’ve rolled the clock back a few years there. Very nice.” I fell asleep… feeling pretty good about myself. In the morning… I allowed my hand to dance over the area. That’s always painful, I’ll be honest, because of my fucking talons. Didn’t feel right. Something felt wrong. Felt like someone had dropped a mini-pizza down there. I couldn’t be bothered to go to the bathroom, and as you can see, I can’t see my own genitals. So I made an extraordinary decision. I got my iPhone. And I took this picture here. Fuck me. It is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. And the flash scared the shit out of the elephant. And then above his head, there was just a halo of purple scabs. Disgusting! I’d had an allergic reaction to the trim. I went, “For fuck’s sake…” You’re a middle-aged man. Accept it. Accept it! And I vowed never to touch my pubis again. I went home, and… a few days later, I went to my local cafe in the park. I go to a cafe in the park. And I saw Elsie, a woman I’ve got to know really well. I went, “Hello, Elsie.” She went, “Hello, Greg.” And I went, “Hello, Elsie.” She said, “I haven’t seen you for ages.” I went, “I’ve been on tour.” She went, “Oh, lovely.” I said, “And before that, I was in Spain on holiday.” And she went, “Oh, I love Spain. I love it. ” I went, “It’s nice, isn’t it?” I said, “Would you like a cup of tea?” She goes, “I’d love one, darling.” I went, “Right, I’ll go get us one.” She goes, “Okay, here, before you go, you haven’t got any photos of your holiday, have you?” “Yes, I have, Elsie. Here on my iPhone. Why don’t you flick through them at your leisure… while I go and get the tea?” And I was holding the tray. “Oh, they’re lovely! What a lovely villa.” “Yes.” “Are these your friends?” “Yes, they’re my friends.” “Oh, lovely.” As they put the teapot on the tray, I remembered, and I went, “Ooh, fuck.” And the world went into slow motion. [grunts] “Elsie!” I got to her just as she swiped onto it. And she went… [shrieks] And I went, “Ooh!” And she went, “Hey!” And we locked eyes, and she was waiting for an explanation. And fuck me… This is what I said. “Oh! I made a trifle.” Doesn’t speak to me anymore. Why would she? Why would she speak to a man who tried to pass his cock and balls off as a dessert? I used to be a teacher. You know that? Teachers here tonight? -[cheering] -God bless you, you heroes. Look at this quote I found about you. “The best teachers are those that tell you where to look, but they don’t tell you what to see.” It’s true. I taught for 13 years, and I thought I was great. It’s the only thing that’s kept me going ’cause honestly, I fucking hate children, but I thought I was good. It’s the only thing that I’ve clung on to all these years. The kids liked me, and I never did them a disservice. I met some of them in the same week as I saw Elsie. I met some of my ex-pupils. I’ve got another quote for you now from one of them. See what you make of this. It’s a genuine quote. When I stopped to really think about it for ten seconds, I was shit. I was a drama teacher, which in itself is hilarious, right? You know when I knew I had to give up teaching? I was in my drama studio, and the kids were performing a play that they’d been working on for weeks while I smoked out the back of the drama studio, and I finally run out of time, and they had to perform them, and they were really excited and focused. And I realized someone was up in the lighting tower of the drama studio aggressively throwing Blu Tack into their faces while they were performing, and I mean really nastily, spitefully throwing it. It was bouncing off them, and they were going, “Get off, get off!” It was awful. And I knew I had to give up teaching when I realized that the person up there throwing that Blu Tack, that’s right, was me. It was me with the head of English, and we were laughing our bollocks off. It was at that point I realized… my perception of how I think people see me and other people’s perception are very different things. When you start to think about it, it panics you. And the worst thing is your perception, or rather your reputation, can be ruined like that. I’m gonna show you three quotes. They’re all from actual friends of mine. They’re so insane, they changed my view of that person, and I wrote it on my phone immediately. Right? The first one is from a 37-year-old science teacher. She could be teaching your children. I had a wild row with her in the pub because she said, and she fucking meant this… She thinks you can stretch yourself. I went to an urban zoo with a 40-year-old friend of mine, who’s a mother of two. She saw a turkey and she said this. “Happy Christmas, here’s your traditional massive male chicken.” But by far the worst, a 52-year-old friend of mine, who is a successful CEO of a company. I made reference to the irritating buzzing wings of a fly that was in the room, and he said this. He thinks flies are shouting. “Yeah! I’m a fly! I’m flying!” Presumably, when they stop and land, they’re having a fucking breath, are they? [panting] “Yeah. Let’s do this. Yeah! Fly!” Nothing that man can say will alter my new perception of him, that he is fundamentally thick as pig shit. That’s how easy it is to ruin your perception. And yet, some people seal a reputation. They seal a reputation not just for life, but for long after they’ve died. If I asked you to name me two famous lovers, who would you say? -[audience shouting] -Bonnie and Clyde. Great opener. Thank you. Any more? Romeo and Juliet? Yeah, of course. Posh and Becks I had last night. I’ll take it. The one I thought of was Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. They were married to each other three different times. And Burton allegedly said this about her, and I love it. Look at this quote. “I might run from her for a thousand years and she is still my baby child. Our love is so furious that we burn each other out.” Imagine. Imagine feeling that passionate about anyone. I read it and I began to… I thought, “I wonder if… there are any of my ex’s out there… might be feeling that sort of passion about me.” It’s unlikely to be the girl I went out with for the longest. I went out with someone for ten years, and on our first date, I pissed the bed. And I tried to blame her. That is true. It panicked me. I thought, “Am I leaving any legacy of passion behind me? Will anyone think…?” So I started going back through people I’ve dated, and then, I was in Bristol. -Anyone from Bristol here? -[scattered shouting] Well done. Well done for dressing yourselves. I was walking through Bristol, and I heard that accent. [mumbles] What are we doing? Going down the shops, are we? And it reminds me. I remember something. And it was a date. I thought, “This is the passionate story I can tell everyone. It was a date that I got set up on. My friend was going out with someone, and he invited me to meet her. They were gonna have a dinner party for me. Lovely. And when I got there, they’d invited her sister along as well. And I thought. “No, this is a set up.” I hate it. I hate being set up. But she was really sweet. She was really pretty. I thought, “Why not?” I was chatting to her over dinner. She had a very light Bristol accent. “How long are you down for, then, Greg? Just the weekend? You gonna make a weekend of it, are you? That’s nice.” I thought, “She seems sweet.” And then… she started to drink… very heavily. She was necking glasses of wine, like… [chugging] And her accent started to get a bit… “Are we having a nice time now?” I thought, “You’ve changed.” I carried on making polite chat, and I went, “What do you do?” She goes, “I work in a shop, don’t I?” [chugs] I went, “All right.” She said, “That’s not all I do.” I went, “No?” She goes, “No, on the weekends… I’m a hammer thrower.” I went, “You’re not a hammer thrower.” They went, “No, she is a hammer thrower. She’s really excellent.” I went, “Right!” As I was looking at them, she grabbed my hand… Bam! She put it on her thigh. Fuck me. It was like a tree trunk. And I went, “Oh.” And I looked at her, and she was waiting for my gaze. And she went, “Yeah. Now you believe I’m a hammer thrower, don’t you?” And I thought, “Oh. Oh, I’m frightened of you… because you’ve changed.” And I could see in her eyes, obviously riddled with cataracts, that she fancied a bounce on this. So I started to panic. The fear went through the roof when she went to the toilet, ’cause that girl has walked in perfectly normally, but now, it was like watching a fucking silverback. She was like… [grunts] I turned to my friend. “I know what’s going on here. You’re setting me up with this girl. Well, I’m not interested. They went, “She’s harmless.” I said, “She’s not harmless. She could take a fucking buffalo down.” From the toilet… [grunts] “That’s it. All finished, then. All shaken off.” At one point, I was chatting in the kitchen, and she ran past the hallway. I think she was just showing off. [grunts] And she ran into a room, and we heard, “Smash!” There had been a full length mirror against the wall. She ran in. She hit it… She horribly cut her hands open, and she was spraying blood round the room. [shouts] “I’m hurt.” I went, “Oh, my God! We’ve got to get to the hospital.” They went, “She’s always doing things like this when she’s drunk.” And my friend got some toilet roll, and he just filled her hands… until she had two… horrible, bloody… soggy cricket balls of gore in her hand. Then he got some Sellotape… and just wrapped them, like this. until she had two transparent, blooded stumps. I thought, “That’s gonna slow her down at least.” No, it fucking didn’t. If anything, the lobster claws made her more determined. [shouts] [shouts] Those two assholes went to bed, leaving me on my own with old fucking lobster claws. I go, “That’s it. I’m running away.” I went to the front door. I was just gonna run into the fields. I opened the front door. It was snowing. It was chucking. It was a snowstorm. And I went, “Ah, fuck!” And then, behind me… I heard the footsteps. “Oh, my God.” “What?” “It’s snowing!” And she ran into the snow. And I watched her disappear. And I thought, “Yeah… I think she may bleed to death tonight. And I think I’m going to let her.” Then I felt guilty and I followed her out. It was easy to find her. I followed the trail of blood in the snow. It’s like a scene from Fargo. When I got there, it was quite sweet, she was playing in the snow. I went, “Please, come in.” She went… [grunts] “You come get me.” “Yes, I did. I’m worried about you. Please come in.” She went… [grunts] “I’m not going anywhere. Not until you give me a little kiss.” And I went… [gasps] And I just… [kisses] I just gave her a peck. She whipped her face around. And even in that second… I got to find out that even her tongue was muscular. Like being pistol-whipped by a dry eel. And I talked her into coming in. She went… [grunts] She went to the toilet. As soon as she’d gone to the toilet, I ran upstairs. I went into the first empty bedroom I could find. I got onto the duvet and tried to make myself flat. She was gone for ages. With the wisdom of hindsight, I think she’d been for a shit and realized there was no toilet paper. And I lay there… motionless… and then I heard the footsteps again. “Where have you gone? Ooh! I can see your big fat tummy.” And then she came… She got under the duvet. She started ferreting around and the duvet… came away from my face, and that’s when I realized for the first time that the whole ceiling in that place was one mirror. It was. I saw myself revealed… when the duvet fell away. I was tired. I was exhausted. I lost the will to fight. And the last thing I saw that night, ladies and gentlemen, reflected in the ceiling, was my own flaccid penis being masturbated by two bloodied stumps. I guess what I’m saying is, not all love stories are gonna go down in history, are they? Let’s have another quote. “Every child is an artist.” Picasso allegedly said that. “Every child is an–” Who’s got young children here? Honestly, what’s their art like? It’s fucking shit, isn’t it? I’ve got two nieces, seven and nine years of age. I love them dearly, but their art is fucking appalling. “What’s that?” “It’s a house.” “Is it?” “Who’s that next to it?” “The owner.” “Really? Why are they the same height?” “It’s called perspective, dipshit.” That’s okay, they’re children. It’s okay for children to make mistakes. It’s okay for children to be shit, because they’ll either get good, or they’ll find out they’re shit. What worries me a little more is when adults try and kid themselves about something. When I was still teaching, we had a guest speaker come to the school. It was the ex-World Champion boxer Chris Eubank. You may recognize him. Okay. Okay, I’m just gonna explain something to people who don’t realize. There are some people in this room who think I can’t do a good Chris Eubank impression. Those people are about to be proved extremely wrong. Chris came in, and he spoke to the children for– ready? Three and a half hours. Three and a half hours of… “Yes, the thing is… The thing is… when I was a pugilist… I would apply myself with the vigor of a lion.” He was amazing, you know. He walked up and down the front like this. The kids were sat out as you are. He walked up and down for three and a half hours going, “It doesn’t matter what you decide you want to be… You want to be an architect or whatever it is that you desire…” But he had a little trick up his sleeve. He’d written some poems. Original poems, which is interesting. And this is how he delivered them. “You must… Sometimes I would train for 12 to 14 hours. And when you decide what it is you want to do, I would urge you to remember this… always look at the man in the mirror and ask what you want him to be. ‘Cause the man in the mirror is not just you. The man in the mirror is me.” And as this lady will testify to, it scared the shit out of the children. Admittedly, Chris’ tits weren’t as sweaty as mine. And unlike me… Chris didn’t inhale your hair. [laughs] Why not, though? I’ve met Chris a few times. He’s a lovely bloke. Why not try some poetry out? I don’t want to be cynical. I would argue that perhaps Chris isn’t gonna be remembered as a poet. But he is gonna be remembered as a great boxer, so he’s got something covered there, but self-delusion can get dangerous. I was in a taxi again in London. It was driven by a Londoner with a thick London accent. He was one of those Cockneys who could get you whatever you want in life. He was like, “Yeah, yeah. What do you need? A zebra? No problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know a bloke in Rumford. He’s got a lock up full of the stripy cunts. Can’t shift them. They’re like weird horses, aren’t they? They’re like weird horses.” I was not in the mood for a chat, and he was a chatty taxi driver. I was sitting there going, “Please don’t talk.” And he was like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Then he said that thing you dread from some taxi drivers. He went, “Yeah, ’cause of course… I wasn’t always in this game.” And I went, “Ah, fuck. A life story.” I was always gonna talk to him. I’ve got manners. I was raised well by the woman whose teddy I fucked. So I now, “Go on, what did you used to do?” He goes, “I used to be in the old music game, as it goes.” I went, “Uh-huh. Yeah. What did you used to do?” He goes, “I was a bass player.” I went, “Right. Any bands I might have heard of?” He goes, “Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe.” I went, “Go on.” He goes, “For a long time I was in A-ha.” “You were in A-ha?” “Yeah, I was in A-ha.” “A-ha? ‘Take on Me’, A-ha?” “Yeah. ‘Take on Me’, A-ha. From Norway, yeah.” I went, “You weren’t in A-ha, mate.” He goes, “I was with them for years.” I went, “Mate! I know who A-ha are. They’re Mags, Pål… and Morten.” “Yeah, yeah.” “There was no you in A-ha.” He goes, “Yeah, yeah, I was.” And it fucking pissed me off. I’m in a bad mood, and I’ve got a fucking Cockney taxi driver telling me he was in A-ha. I started playing the scenario in my mind of Morten and the boys… “Yeah, boys, we don’t appear to have a bass player.” It’s not just Eubank I do, my friends. “Oh, dear boys.” Fuck you. I’ll do all three of them. “Oh, dear. We don’t appear to have a bass player. Do we, Pål?” “No, we don’t. We haven’t got a bass player.” “Oh, no. We need one, don’t we?” “Why don’t you ask Mags.” “Mags?” “Yes.” “We were just saying we need a…” “We do need a bass player.” “Well, what shall we do?” “Well, we have got some options.” Amazing, isn’t it? Amazing I’m still doing it, but I am gonna carry on. “Yes.” “What are our options?” “Well… We could go to a music school here in Norway where we could ask for a bass player. Yes. Or… or… or… we could get three flights, go to London and ask a fucking taxi driver.” It’s bullshit. It’s bullshit. If you don’t like your job, change your job. Don’t tell tired, grumpy people you used to be in fucking A-ha. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I was so wound up. I went and watched the video for “The Sun Always Shines on TV.” Now, here’s the thing… It was him. What are the fucking chances? It really was. Some people manage to… put out a positive… impression of themselves really easily, to the whole populous, nearly. I’ll give you an example, the seriously ill. That’s right. Yeah. No one has taken them down before. Here I am. What do you ever say about them? What ever gets said about the seriously ill? “How awful…” “Poor thing.” I went to Leicester to do a gig. And I got invited to Leicester’s biggest hospice… to do a day visit, and I thought, “Fuck! No!” But, of course, you can’t turn that offer down. I went,.I thought it would be the worst thing I’d ever have seen. And it was one of the most uplifting and wonderful places, and I said, “I can’t believe there’s any laughter going on in this place at all.” And the lady who runs it said, “Yeah, well, that’s the prejudice we’re fighting against, ’cause these people are still alive. And so, we want them to have good times.” You know? And it really got me, because… I avoid thinking about ill people. And when I thought about it, my own dad, who was ill for six years before he died… When I think back on him now, I just remember some pathetic, old, ill man. Right? And he was loads more than a pathetic, old, ill man. So I started to think, once she said that, “Were there any good times in that six years? Were there any fun times when he was ill?” And there were good times. There were times that we all laughed. I’ll give you one. When he couldn’t go to the toilet by himself, my mom used to let him piss into a Lenor fabric softener bottle. I went, “Why do you use that?” “It’s obvious. It’s got a large handle, a big opening at the top and ‘the refreshing smell of Lenor.'” I’ve changed your perception of my mom, haven’t I? She’s not a stupid old lady anymore. She’s a wonderful, caring wife, isn’t she? Strap yourselves in. I went home one day, there was a small bottle of Lenor on the side and a very angry mom. I went, “You all right?” She goes, “No, I’m not. They’ve redesigned it. They’ve redesigned it. No handle, no big aperture. I’m the laughingstock. I’ve recommended it to all my friends with ill husbands.” And I went, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry Lenor ruined your system.” She goes, “It’s disgusting.” Then I heard some laughter from the other room. And it was my dad, in bed, laughing his head off. And he shouted, “Ask her what she did.” And I go, “What?” He goes, “Ask her what she did.” I went, “What did you do?” She goes, “He’s been lying in his bed taking a piss out of me all morning.” “What did you do?” [shrugs] “I wrote to them.” I had a vision of the head designer coming in and going, “Stop! It’s a wonderful bottle. It’s half the size, less liquid, more portable, but none of you have stopped to consider whether we can get an old man’s wang into this bottle.” Do you know what? Even on the day my dad died, there was some mirth… when me and my mom and my sister were standing round his bed on what I’ve always described as the worst day in my life so far. If you’ve lost someone, you know what this is like. We were standing there, waiting for the inevitable, and when I thought back to it, someone made us laugh. And if my dad had been more with it, he would’ve laughed his head off, too. It was a male nurse. He came into the room, and he said, “Ho! I am having a bad week.” And we all went, “Yep, it’s pretty bad over here as well.” He didn’t take the hint. He went, “Yep. It’s my son. He is fat. He is mega fat.” And we went, “Okay, sorry to hear about your fat son. It’s just… we’re kind of dealing with a thing over here.” And then he said this, “Yep. He’s ten stone… and he’s only six.” I’ve got to tell you, that’s when I walked away from my dying father. “Ten stone? A 140-lbs. six-year-old? I’m in. Fucking stop talking about your mega fat kid. A 140-lbs. six-year-old?” “Yeah. Super fat. Super fat.” And I went, “Jesus Christ, mate. What are you feeding him?” He said… arguably my favorite sentence I’ve ever heard. He said… “He eats a whole cooked chicken every day.” And that’s when my sister walked away from her dying father. She wanted to know about the six-year-old who’s gobbling an entire chicken every day. Who doesn’t want to know about the fat chicken kid? We all do. She goes,”You shouldn’t be feeding him a whole chicken every day…” He goes, “I’m not feeding him.” “He’s getting a whole chicken from somewhere.” “He helps himself.” My sister’s like, “Why don’t you stop him?” He said, “I can’t. He’s stronger than me. He pushes me out of the way of the fridge. There’s nothing I can do about it.” That’s when his luck changed, because my mom… stood up from her husband of 50 years, and I saw her mouth dry up, and she went, “What do you mean? What you mean there’s nothing you can do about it?” My mom is an old school disciplinarian, and I’ll tell you this now, if she were here, she would deny it, but it is fucking true. In fact, I want to get it on record. When I was a child, I wouldn’t eat my peas one Sunday, and she punched me in the face. And that is true. When she saw this show, she said, “I object to that, Greg. It wasn’t a punch. It was a flat palm.” She heard the sentence, “There’s nothing I can do about it.” She went, “What do you mean there’s nothing you can do about it? Stop a six-year-old from eating a whole chicken every day. Of course there’s something you can do.” He goes, “There’s nothing I can do.” And she said, “For God’s sake, man, don’t cook him a chicken.” And we all pissed ourselves laughing in unison when he shouted back at her. He went, “No! That’s the problem. He cooks it himself!” Oh, man. So… inevitably, my dad died. If you’ve lost someone, you know how shit that is. We were very close. I want to fast forward two and a half years to Christmas two and a half years ago. My sister had brought the kids home and my brother-in-law, and we were sitting in the front room about to watch the Queen’s speech. Of course, a big tradition in Britain. Three o’clock on Christmas day, lots of people sit down and listen to the Queen has to say about the year that’s gone behind us. My mom never misses it. Now… I did an award-winning fart. It ripped through the room like fork lightning. I knew it was a classic, ’cause the Queen hadn’t spoken yet, but it caused my mom to leave the room. My sister said this to me. She said, “You know I’ve just realized.” I went, “Go on.” “I’ve just realized your farts, they sound exactly like Dad’s.” Now… my dad was an academic, a world traveler, the funniest man I’ve ever met. He would’ve bored you himself. He once played cricket with the King of Jordan. And I thought to myself, “Hmm, I wonder… Is that the epitaph he would have dreamt of? That he has passed down anus genes to his son. That the strongest genetic… gift he gave his son… was the same anus.” I thought… If I’m gonna talk about him in a show, I’m gonna put a better epitaph out there. So I started thinking of pithy things I could sum my dad up with. He was a very funny man, he used to lie to us all the time for fun, to amuse himself. He once told us he was bitten by shark off the coast of North Wales. He was a very proud Welshman, my dad. And when my sister used to get mad and go, “Why do you lie to us?” He’d go, “Because the truth is so boring.” And I thought, “That’s a great epitaph.” And I thought another epitaph could be the time that I wound him up when I was a teenager, and he grabbed me by the throat once and pushed me against the wall and said, “Don’t mess with me, you fuck pig.” Which is an extraordinary epitaph. Do you know what I’ve realized? You can’t write an epitaph. Think about someone you’ve lost and been close to. It’s impossible to sum a human being up with a pithy thing. It’s not possible, because there are a thousand different things to a thousand different people, just as we all are, as well. You can’t do it. You cannot try and convince everyone that you’re all right. With all that said… I hope you’ll indulge me, I’m gonna leave you tonight with a small tribute to my dad. We once did a long trip to Wales. And on that road trip, he said to me, “You know nothing of Wales, do you? You know nothing of your heritage. of Welsh culture?” And I don’t. He’s right. I didn’t then, and I don’t now. And I couldn’t give a shit. Sorry if you enjoyed Who Do You Think You Are? [laughs] Not true, of course. I said, “What do you want me to do?” He said, “Learn some Welsh.” I went, “Let’s go.” He said, “I’m gonna teach you a song.” I said, “Teach me a song.” He goes, “A traditional Welsh folk song.” And I tried to learn it. In three hours, I learned two lines, because Welsh as a language is insane. But I learned those two lines, and he was thrilled that I’d done it. I could see it in his eyes, and I’ve never forgotten them. So if you’ll indulge me, I’m gonna leave you by singing those two lines tonight. [clears throat] Thank you. [singing in Welsh] Thanks. Thanks. It was… It was years later, I sang that song to my Welsh friend, and he said, “What the fuck?” I said, “It’s a Welsh folk song.” He goes, “It’s not a Welsh folk song. Do you want me to translate it?” I went, “Go on.” [speaks Welsh] “The monkey is in the tree playing with its potatoes.” It doesn’t even make sense. [speaking Welsh] “The squirrel is under the table, ram it up my ass.” That tells you more about my dad than a thousand epitaphs ever could. Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t like to leave things unfinished. So I have finished that song since my dad’s died, using as many of the beautiful animals in God’s glorious Kingdom as I could. I’ve tried to match the tone. I’ve had it converted into Welsh for you. And I think, arguably, I’ve gone further than anyone would ever go, in that I’ve hired a male voice choir to sing it for me. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Phoenix Choir of Wales. A tribute to my father. And if your father’s gone, let it be a tribute to him, too. Please, enjoy. ♪ The farmer’s wife was very vexed ♪ ♪ He’d been acting very odd ♪ ♪ She asked, “What the hell is wrong with you?” ♪ And this was his reply ♪ ♪ The reply ♪ ♪ The monkey is up the tree ♪ ♪ Playing with its potatoes ♪ ♪ And the squirrel is under the table ♪ ♪ Ram it up my arse ♪ [Greg] So beautiful. ♪ She said, “Leave that squirrel alone ♪ ♪ Or we’re heading For a nasty divorce” ♪ ♪ “Pray, look upon the wren,” he said ♪ ♪ It’s licking out the horse ♪ If you feel emotional, just let it out. It’s fine. ♪ The crow has slapped its tits All night ♪ ♪ The otter’s balls are very long ♪ ♪ I saw the stoat shaving its clam ♪ ♪ Get that squirrel up my wrong ♪ ♪ Up my hole ♪ ♪ The cat felt up the spider ♪ ♪ And his bellend went really stiff ♪ ♪ Two bison 69’d ♪ ♪ And a rhino flashed its snatch ♪ ♪ These animals aren’t even on the farm ♪ ♪ His poor wife cried out ♪ ♪ Don’t let the zebra hear ♪ ♪ He’s gay without a doubt ♪ ♪ Go and see a shrink ♪ ♪ About your problems, my dear ♪ ♪ “The squirrel is under the table,” He cried ♪ ♪ Now ram it up my arse ♪ For our fathers. For our fathers, ladies and gentlemen. The Phoenix Choir of Wales, please. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s amazing to be back in London. Thank you so much for coming to see me. I had such a great time. Take care of yourselves. Thank you. ♪ Now usually I don’t do this But go ahead ♪ ♪ And break ’em off with a little preview Of the remix ♪ ♪ Now I’m not trying to be rude ♪ But, hey, pretty girl, I’m feeling you ♪ ♪ The way you do the things you do Reminds me of my Lexus Coupe ♪ ♪ That’s why I’m all up in your grille ♪ ♪ Trying to get you to a hotel ♪ ♪ You must be a football coach ♪ ♪ The way you got me playing the field ♪ ♪ So, baby, give me that toot-toot Let me give you that beep-beep ♪ ♪ Running my hands through my ‘fro Bouncing on 24s ♪ ♪ While they saying on the radio ♪ ♪ It’s the remix to “Ignition” Hot and fresh out the kitchen ♪ ♪ Mama rolling that body Got every man in here wishin’ ♪ ♪ Sippin’ on coke and rum I’m like, “So what? I’m drunk ♪ ♪ It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby I’m about to have me some fun ♪ ♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce Bounce, bounce, bounce ♪ ♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, come on ♪ ♪ Now it’s like Murder She Wrote ♪ ♪ Once I get you out them clothes ♪ ♪ Privacy is on the door ♪ ♪ But still they can hear you Screaming more ♪ ♪ Girl, I’m feeling what you feeling No more hoping and wishing ♪ ♪ I’m about to take my key And stick it in the ignition ♪ ♪ So give me that toot-toot Let me give you that beep-beep ♪ ♪ Running her hands through my ‘fro Bouncing on 24s ♪ ♪ While they saying on the radio ♪ ♪ It’s the remix to “Ignition” Hot and fresh out the kitchen ♪ ♪ Mama rolling that body Got every man in here wishin’ ♪ ♪ Sippin’ on coke and rum I’m like, “So what? I’m drunk ♪ ♪ It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby I’m about to have me some fun ♪ ♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce Bounce, bounce, bounce ♪ ♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, come on ♪ | It’s always good to start a television special with a joke that you’ll never be able to air, isn’t it? -[laughs] So– -[woman] I want you to have my baby! Eh? [woman] Will you have my baby? Will I have your babies? Gut instinct says no. Definitely no. It’s definitely no. I have a system for stand up. My system is, I go home to Shropshire, where I’m from, with a notepad and a pen, and I wait for my parents to say weird shit. Then I come and tell you. That’s my system. Right? I had some problems this time. Problem number one… About three years ago, my dad, very selfishly, died. You’re pissed off. I had three shows left in him. Problem number two… My mom pulled me to one side when she heard I was gonna do a new show. And she went, “I don’t want you to talk about me anymore.” And I went, “What?!” She said, “I want you to stop talking about me onstage.” I went, “Why?” She goes, “You’ve had two shows out of me. You’ve humiliated me on stages all around the country. Honestly, I think you’ve had your money’s worth.” And she’s right, ladies and gentlemen. I have. I’ve made thousands. Thousands out of her. So I stood there, going, “Shit! What the fuck am I gonna talk about?” Anyway, then she changed the subject. And this is what she said… She said, “Have you been watching any of that Oscar Pistorius retrial?” I went, “Here we go. All right. No, mom, I haven’t. Why?” She goes, “You haven’t watched any?” I said, “I think I read a little about it.” She goes, “What do you think?” I went, “What do you mean?” -She said, “Do you think he did it?” -I said, “He did do it.” She says, “I know he did. Do you think you meant to do it?” I went, “Well… I’m not sure why we’re talking about this, old lady, but if you want my opinion, yeah, he lost his temper and he shot her.” She went, “That’s what I think. Yeah.” Then she said two things. “Now, I want you to tell me if you were in my position, would you break a promise you’ve made to your 77-year-old mother?” ‘Cause they’re both fucking astonishing. Bearing in mind that Oscar Pistorius shot his girlfriend to death… Even the build up is hilarious. She said, this.. “That silly lad. [laughing] What a tyke. What a little tinker.” Then she followed it up with the all-time classic. “He had the world at his feet.” He fucking didn’t, did he? I said, “Don’t expect me not to use that onstage, old woman. It’s gold!” Recently… she said the worst sentence that anyone’s ever said to me. Imagine that in my business. We went for a meal. We went for a steak together. I can’t speak for the other middle-aged people in the room, but I find that with every year that passes, I have less and less to look forward to in life. So when I go for a meal… I fucking have it. I am consuming it, and I am consumed by it. My world goes… [mimics doors closing] and I’m just… “Oh, yeah. [imitates chewing] Oh, that meat is cooked to perfection. The futility of life… I’d just briefly forgotten the futility of life.” My mom’s opposite me, and since she’s on her own, it’s a constant stream of bullshit coming out of her mouth. Largely about people I’ve never even met. So I’m there going, “Oh, yeah. “Oh, my knife just glides through it.” [imitating chattering] “Oh, she had a stroke in Tesco. She fell into the salad bar.” “I might just put my meat into the peppercorn sauce.” “He’s riddled with arthritis. He can’t even pick a cup up.” “I might put a chip with the meat. Just have the combination of the potato and the meat.” “You should see what they’ve done with the town hall. Multicultural mural.” I was on total food lockdown. I didn’t hear a word she said. Then something just slipped through my radar just very briefly. And I couldn’t quite let it go. I was just… [chewing] “I’ll just put some sweet corn on the end of my fork.” “Christine said to me, ‘We should both get one of those rabbits.'” “Just have some broccoli for health.” I couldn’t quite let it go. Do you know what I mean? It kept racing around my mind. I found myself going, “That’s strange. Why would they be buying a pet at their age?” “Christine said, ‘I don’t mind ordering them, but they’re coming to your house.'” I went, “All right, what the fuck? Are you talking about dildos?” She went, “Yes.” I went, “Why? I’m your son.” She said, “I thought you’d find it funny.” “Funny? The idea of you two hammering away at yourselves?” I may have done this show in my hometown last week. Mom saw it. Suitably mortified. “Oh, disgusting! Absolutely disgusting.” She sent me a text the next day, which I’m gonna keep on my phone for the rest of my life. Wanna see it? Have a look. “Hello, love. I’d prefer it if you wouldn’t do that vibrator routine in your show. When you ignore this and do it anyway, at least make it clear to your audiences that neither Christine or myself have ever bought or used a sex aid.” Contract fulfilled, old woman. But it must have got to me, ’cause I found myself thinking, “I wonder if there’s something nice I can tell everyone. A nice story I can tell about my mom to take away the taste of the filth, you know?” So I found myself going, “Oh, let me see.” And I thought of something. When I was eight years of age, just eight, I was gonna say little Greg, but I was a freak of nature then, as well. Not the six-foot-eight monstrosity you see before you, but I was still disgustingly long. I went past Clinton Cards, which if you don’t know the shop, it’s for people with no taste, largely. Bankrupt. And stringy old eight-year-old Greg, skipped past Clinton Cards and there was a bear in the window, three-foot tall. And I remember going, “If only I could have that. That toy, that… long toy for a long boy.” I said to my mom, “I’ve seen this giant bear, could I have it?” She goes, “Well, we’ll chat with Santa and see what he says.” I go, “Okay.” A couple of days later, she came back, and she went, “I’m sorry, love. I’ve spoken to Santa, and… I’m afraid that bear is £75. Santa can’t afford it this year.” I thought, “That’s a shame, although Santa does appear to be able to afford quite a lot of fucking cigarettes.” I was on to Santa. I’d met him the year before. I was sharing a room with my sister. He came in. His fag was glowing in the dark. He was clearly shit-faced. When I said, “Hello, Santa,” he told me to piss off in a woman’s voice. So, I was on to Santa. But I thought, “Fair enough, she can’t afford it.” I just let it go. Now, it obviously got to her, ’cause a couple of days later, she came back… She went, “Oh… I’ve spoken to my friend Carol. We think we can make you a giant bear.” And I remember thinking, “Uh…” I was only eight years of age, but I thought, “Oh… that sounds shit, doesn’t it? That sounds shit.” She took a dirty old blue blanket out of the garage, and I thought, “Yep, this is gonna be shit.” Then every two days on the buildup to Christmas, she’d come over… “Project’s coming on. Project’s coming on.” Christmas day, I ran into the front room and under the tree, there was a giant parcel for me. And I ripped it open. And there he was. I met him for the first time. BT. “Blue Ted.” Five-foot tall. Five foot. They added two feet onto it. And he became a firm friend of mine for many years to come. He really did. Like I said. It’s just… You seem surprised. It’s just a nice story. No, no. No, there’s no need for that. We’re not in America. It’s fine. Sorry, I forgot to say… I went home recently and found a picture of BT. -Would you like to meet him? -[cheering] I can’t hear you. -[cheering continuing] -Would you like to meet him? Here he is. What the fuck is that? Because it isn’t a bear, is it ladies and gentlemen? A fucking frog, maybe. It scared the living shit out of me. It looks like ET, doesn’t it? If anything. Oh, incidentally, I don’t know the last time you watched ET, I watched it three weeks ago. It was on one Sunday, and I was drawn into that film the way I was as a child. It was the scene in the woodshed when Elliott first uncovers ET. And his little glowing finger comes out. And I thought, “God, that’s a magical film, ET.” And my mate Rich was next to me. He ruined that film in one sentence, and I’m about to ruin it for you now. ‘Cause he said– I was going, “Oh, God… this is like being a child.” And Rich went, “Tell you what, mate, if I found something like that in my shed, I’d stove it’s fucking head in with a shovel.” And he’s right, isn’t he? If you think about it for one second, he’s right. If you found that in your shed, you would panic, and you would stamp the cunt to death. [speaks gibberish] It talks! Mom! A little early in the record to be calling ET a cunt, isn’t it? I like to call ET a cunt. It’s funny when you film something and you can hear things being cut out as you say them. [mimics cutting] ET’s a cunt. Well, I stand by it. He is a cunt. [laughs] Look… my point is… [laughs] Can I just say to the lady who just looked at me really seriously, the more upset you are, the funnier I find it. Look… look… Guys. My point is… it’s a weird looking creature. Right? But it’s a mom doing her best for her son. She couldn’t afford what I wanted, so she did her best. I think we can all agree, it’s a sweet story, isn’t it? Or it would be… But when I got to 13 years of age, ladies and gentleman, I fucked that bear. I did. Sorry. I fucked him right in his furry backside. And I didn’t fuck him once, I’ll tell you that. I fucked him for a whole summer. I was out in the park, playing with my friends. And I’d fuck that every day. Mom would shout, “Time to get up for school, Greg.” I was too busy knocking the back end out of this. You can see it in his eyes if you look closer. Haunted. Haunted. I’ll be honest with you. He could stand up on his own after a while. “Very funny, Greg. Very funny! First you make me out to be a mad old lady. Now I find out you’ve been fornicating with the toys I made for you. It’s disgusting.” I say, “It’s just a laugh, Mom.” She goes, “It’s a laugh for you. It’s my reputation you’re out there ruining. What’s the show called? You’re all right, aren’t you?” The show has always been “You Magnificent Beast.” There’s a reason for that. I was moving through London in a cab with the window open. A drunk student saw me, recognized me. He dove through the window of the moving cab. He grabbed me by the throat, and he went, “Oh, yeah. You magnificent beast.” He just let go. Honestly, as far as I know, he could be dead. But I got a title for my show. The honest truth is, the next day I found myself… “Yes, I am. Yes, I am.” I thought, “I’m gonna write a show about how magnificent I am. How magnificent we all are. That’s what my show is gonna be about. How unique all human beings are. How we’ve all got something to offer.” I started getting quotes together, inspirational quotes about humans. Look at this. I think it’s wonderful. “Child of heaven born from the womb of a star.” All of us. Another one… “Man’s goodness is a flame that can be hidden but never extinguished.” Nelson Mandela said that. I hope this doesn’t seem arrogant, but I do see myself as the white Nelson Mandela. Thank you. Thank you. Another one. “No species has ever had such wholesale control over everything on Earth.” Attenborough said that. We believe anything Attenborough said. I thought, “This show is gonna write itself.” I start getting images together of the wonderful things all human beings have done. And my mom, still smarting, went, “Yeah, I’m a mad old lady who’s had her youth, had it away with. And you’re a magnificent beast? How about your lift your shirt up in front of the mirror, love? See how magnificent you are.” I will do. Yeah. Have a look. Look at it. Look at what I’ve done to myself. Nothing magnificent about this, is there? I thought, “She’s got a point.” When I thought about it more, I thought, “There’s nothing magnificent about a middle-aged human being anyway. Middle-age is dreadful.” I’m gonna come and talk to one of my middle-aged friends. This is where I massively offend someone. -What’s your name? -Sean. Sean, you’re how old? Sorry? -Forty-seven. -Couple years younger than me? -Are you enjoying middle age? -Yep. Are you up for a piss in the night? -A couple of times. -Twice. We’re at the same prostate level. It’s called “galia melon.” Two pisses a night, I’m the same. You’re two years younger than me. I’ll tell you, things have happened to me that you’ve got to look forward to. And I just want to share them with the young people. In the last two years, my nails have become four times thicker than they used to be. Just imagine that, young people. Imagine not being able to bite through your own fucking nails. What’s the evolutionary miracle about that, David Attenborough? In case I fancy skittering up a wall like a fucking lizard? I’ve started behaving weirdly. I’ve started buying folk music. No one likes folk music, not even the singers. They can’t be bothered to sing out of their mouths. [singing gibberish] I’ve got albums full of the shit round my place. In the Sunday supplement, I ordered one of those things you put on your stomach to try and make you not fat without doing exercise. You know the electrocution things? And at a real low point in my life, I found myself electrocuting myself whilst listening to folk music. [singing gibberish] ♪ The hills of Donegal ♪ You can turn it up really fast as well. [sings gibberish] I had to stop ’cause I thought I was gonna shit myself. Then I had a real wake-up call. I did some warm up gigs and had my friend support me. Ed Gamble, who’s a young, beautiful comic. and then… Ed. You talk about weird things when you’re on the road together. And Ed, a much younger, prettier boy, he made very casual reference to when he got back to the hotel that night, he was gonna have a “tidy up” downstairs. And I went, “What?” He said, “I’m going to have a little.. trim downstairs.” -Sean? -Yes. [laughs] -Yeah. -You trimming? I have trimmed. You’re all trimming, aren’t you? All you men are trimming, and it passed me by, “manscaping.” I’m like, “What the fuck are you on about? Have a trim downstairs?” He goes, “Come on, Grandad. Everyone’s trimming.” Which men here are trimming? Just give me a cheer. [scattered cheering] Okay, fine. I didn’t know it was a thing. I missed it. I know that you women have been, you know…. So you wanna hear a thing that’s not gonna make it into the show? I was gonna say “waxing that rat.” Unbelievable. Snip, snip, out it comes. But it never occurred to me. I panicked. At the hotel, I thought, “I better check this out.” I took my clothes off, went to the bathroom, and I stood in front of the mirror to see how bad things were. Oh, my God. I had never noticed it before. A giant, graying ’70s afro. Awful! It looked like Don King was riding on the back of a depressed mini-elephant. I thought, “You’re never get another girlfriend. You fat prick. There’s only one person who’s gonna be interested in that.” And the fucking bear’s in hiding. So, I thought, “I’m gonna have to do something about this.” So I did. I went back to my bedroom, and I did something about it. Well, ladies and gentlemen… there were hairs down there like the mooring ropes of the Titanic. I knew I was in trouble ’cause I used my beard trimmer to do it. The motor started panicking when it hit bush. [imitates razor whirring] I(t’s like I was fucking angle-grinding. Took me 20 minutes to get the worst of it out. Five or six pounds of silvery bush on the floor. Looked like burnt tinsel. I went back to the full-length mirror to check out my handiwork. Very nice. Very nice. The pubes I’m talking about obviously, not what was beneath them. The mini-elephant was as depressing as ever, just lolling… “What are we doing?” “I was just… I was just trimming your pubes.” “Okay. Anything else?” “While we’re here, I suppose we could have a piss.” “Okay. [sputters] Not finished.” [groans] [sputters] “Okay. Bedtime.” Anyway… I went back to bed with a little spring in my step that night. I thought, “Yes, very nice, big man. You’ve rolled the clock back a few years there. Very nice.” I fell asleep… feeling pretty good about myself. In the morning… I allowed my hand to dance over the area. That’s always painful, I’ll be honest, because of my fucking talons. Didn’t feel right. Something felt wrong. Felt like someone had dropped a mini-pizza down there. I couldn’t be bothered to go to the bathroom, and as you can see, I can’t see my own genitals. So I made an extraordinary decision. I got my iPhone. And I took this picture here. Fuck me. It is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. And the flash scared the shit out of the elephant. And then above his head, there was just a halo of purple scabs. Disgusting! I’d had an allergic reaction to the trim. I went, “For fuck’s sake…” You’re a middle-aged man. Accept it. Accept it! And I vowed never to touch my pubis again. I went home, and… a few days later, I went to my local cafe in the park. I go to a cafe in the park. And I saw Elsie, a woman I’ve got to know really well. I went, “Hello, Elsie.” She went, “Hello, Greg.” And I went, “Hello, Elsie.” She said, “I haven’t seen you for ages.” I went, “I’ve been on tour.” She went, “Oh, lovely.” I said, “And before that, I was in Spain on holiday.” And she went, “Oh, I love Spain. I love it. ” I went, “It’s nice, isn’t it?” I said, “Would you like a cup of tea?” She goes, “I’d love one, darling.” I went, “Right, I’ll go get us one.” She goes, “Okay, here, before you go, you haven’t got any photos of your holiday, have you?” “Yes, I have, Elsie. Here on my iPhone. Why don’t you flick through them at your leisure… while I go and get the tea?” And I was holding the tray. “Oh, they’re lovely! What a lovely villa.” “Yes.” “Are these your friends?” “Yes, they’re my friends.” “Oh, lovely.” As they put the teapot on the tray, I remembered, and I went, “Ooh, fuck.” And the world went into slow motion. [grunts] “Elsie!” I got to her just as she swiped onto it. And she went… [shrieks] And I went, “Ooh!” And she went, “Hey!” And we locked eyes, and she was waiting for an explanation. And fuck me… This is what I said. “Oh! I made a trifle.” Doesn’t speak to me anymore. Why would she? Why would she speak to a man who tried to pass his cock and balls off as a dessert? I used to be a teacher. You know that? Teachers here tonight? -[cheering] -God bless you, you heroes. Look at this quote I found about you. “The best teachers are those that tell you where to look, but they don’t tell you what to see.” It’s true. I taught for 13 years, and I thought I was great. It’s the only thing that’s kept me going ’cause honestly, I fucking hate children, but I thought I was good. It’s the only thing that I’ve clung on to all these years. The kids liked me, and I never did them a disservice. I met some of them in the same week as I saw Elsie. I met some of my ex-pupils. I’ve got another quote for you now from one of them. See what you make of this. It’s a genuine quote. When I stopped to really think about it for ten seconds, I was shit. I was a drama teacher, which in itself is hilarious, right? You know when I knew I had to give up teaching? I was in my drama studio, and the kids were performing a play that they’d been working on for weeks while I smoked out the back of the drama studio, and I finally run out of time, and they had to perform them, and they were really excited and focused. And I realized someone was up in the lighting tower of the drama studio aggressively throwing Blu Tack into their faces while they were performing, and I mean really nastily, spitefully throwing it. It was bouncing off them, and they were going, “Get off, get off!” It was awful. And I knew I had to give up teaching when I realized that the person up there throwing that Blu Tack, that’s right, was me. It was me with the head of English, and we were laughing our bollocks off. It was at that point I realized… my perception of how I think people see me and other people’s perception are very different things. When you start to think about it, it panics you. And the worst thing is your perception, or rather your reputation, can be ruined like that. I’m gonna show you three quotes. They’re all from actual friends of mine. They’re so insane, they changed my view of that person, and I wrote it on my phone immediately. Right? The first one is from a 37-year-old science teacher. She could be teaching your children. I had a wild row with her in the pub because she said, and she fucking meant this… She thinks you can stretch yourself. I went to an urban zoo with a 40-year-old friend of mine, who’s a mother of two. She saw a turkey and she said this. “Happy Christmas, here’s your traditional massive male chicken.” But by far the worst, a 52-year-old friend of mine, who is a successful CEO of a company. I made reference to the irritating buzzing wings of a fly that was in the room, and he said this. He thinks flies are shouting. “Yeah! I’m a fly! I’m flying!” Presumably, when they stop and land, they’re having a fucking breath, are they? [panting] “Yeah. Let’s do this. Yeah! Fly!” Nothing that man can say will alter my new perception of him, that he is fundamentally thick as pig shit. That’s how easy it is to ruin your perception. And yet, some people seal a reputation. They seal a reputation not just for life, but for long after they’ve died. If I asked you to name me two famous lovers, who would you say? -[audience shouting] -Bonnie and Clyde. Great opener. Thank you. Any more? Romeo and Juliet? Yeah, of course. Posh and Becks I had last night. I’ll take it. The one I thought of was Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. They were married to each other three different times. And Burton allegedly said this about her, and I love it. Look at this quote. “I might run from her for a thousand years and she is still my baby child. Our love is so furious that we burn each other out.” Imagine. Imagine feeling that passionate about anyone. I read it and I began to… I thought, “I wonder if… there are any of my ex’s out there… might be feeling that sort of passion about me.” It’s unlikely to be the girl I went out with for the longest. I went out with someone for ten years, and on our first date, I pissed the bed. And I tried to blame her. That is true. It panicked me. I thought, “Am I leaving any legacy of passion behind me? Will anyone think…?” So I started going back through people I’ve dated, and then, I was in Bristol. -Anyone from Bristol here? -[scattered shouting] Well done. Well done for dressing yourselves. I was walking through Bristol, and I heard that accent. [mumbles] What are we doing? Going down the shops, are we? And it reminds me. I remember something. And it was a date. I thought, “This is the passionate story I can tell everyone. It was a date that I got set up on. My friend was going out with someone, and he invited me to meet her. They were gonna have a dinner party for me. Lovely. And when I got there, they’d invited her sister along as well. And I thought. “No, this is a set up.” I hate it. I hate being set up. But she was really sweet. She was really pretty. I thought, “Why not?” I was chatting to her over dinner. She had a very light Bristol accent. “How long are you down for, then, Greg? Just the weekend? You gonna make a weekend of it, are you? That’s nice.” I thought, “She seems sweet.” And then… she started to drink… very heavily. She was necking glasses of wine, like… [chugging] And her accent started to get a bit… “Are we having a nice time now?” I thought, “You’ve changed.” I carried on making polite chat, and I went, “What do you do?” She goes, “I work in a shop, don’t I?” [chugs] I went, “All right.” She said, “That’s not all I do.” I went, “No?” She goes, “No, on the weekends… I’m a hammer thrower.” I went, “You’re not a hammer thrower.” They went, “No, she is a hammer thrower. She’s really excellent.” I went, “Right!” As I was looking at them, she grabbed my hand… Bam! She put it on her thigh. Fuck me. It was like a tree trunk. And I went, “Oh.” And I looked at her, and she was waiting for my gaze. And she went, “Yeah. Now you believe I’m a hammer thrower, don’t you?” And I thought, “Oh. Oh, I’m frightened of you… because you’ve changed.” And I could see in her eyes, obviously riddled with cataracts, that she fancied a bounce on this. So I started to panic. The fear went through the roof when she went to the toilet, ’cause that girl has walked in perfectly normally, but now, it was like watching a fucking silverback. She was like… [grunts] I turned to my friend. “I know what’s going on here. You’re setting me up with this girl. Well, I’m not interested. They went, “She’s harmless.” I said, “She’s not harmless. She could take a fucking buffalo down.” From the toilet… [grunts] “That’s it. All finished, then. All shaken off.” At one point, I was chatting in the kitchen, and she ran past the hallway. I think she was just showing off. [grunts] And she ran into a room, and we heard, “Smash!” There had been a full length mirror against the wall. She ran in. She hit it… She horribly cut her hands open, and she was spraying blood round the room. [shouts] “I’m hurt.” I went, “Oh, my God! We’ve got to get to the hospital.” They went, “She’s always doing things like this when she’s drunk.” And my friend got some toilet roll, and he just filled her hands… until she had two… horrible, bloody… soggy cricket balls of gore in her hand. Then he got some Sellotape… and just wrapped them, like this. until she had two transparent, blooded stumps. I thought, “That’s gonna slow her down at least.” No, it fucking didn’t. If anything, the lobster claws made her more determined. [shouts] [shouts] Those two assholes went to bed, leaving me on my own with old fucking lobster claws. I go, “That’s it. I’m running away.” I went to the front door. I was just gonna run into the fields. I opened the front door. It was snowing. It was chucking. It was a snowstorm. And I went, “Ah, fuck!” And then, behind me… I heard the footsteps. “Oh, my God.” “What?” “It’s snowing!” And she ran into the snow. And I watched her disappear. And I thought, “Yeah… I think she may bleed to death tonight. And I think I’m going to let her.” Then I felt guilty and I followed her out. It was easy to find her. I followed the trail of blood in the snow. It’s like a scene from Fargo. When I got there, it was quite sweet, she was playing in the snow. I went, “Please, come in.” She went… [grunts] “You come get me.” “Yes, I did. I’m worried about you. Please come in.” She went… [grunts] “I’m not going anywhere. Not until you give me a little kiss.” And I went… [gasps] And I just… [kisses] I just gave her a peck. She whipped her face around. And even in that second… I got to find out that even her tongue was muscular. Like being pistol-whipped by a dry eel. And I talked her into coming in. She went… [grunts] She went to the toilet. As soon as she’d gone to the toilet, I ran upstairs. I went into the first empty bedroom I could find. I got onto the duvet and tried to make myself flat. She was gone for ages. With the wisdom of hindsight, I think she’d been for a shit and realized there was no toilet paper. And I lay there… motionless… and then I heard the footsteps again. “Where have you gone? Ooh! I can see your big fat tummy.” And then she came… She got under the duvet. She started ferreting around and the duvet… came away from my face, and that’s when I realized for the first time that the whole ceiling in that place was one mirror. It was. I saw myself revealed… when the duvet fell away. I was tired. I was exhausted. I lost the will to fight. And the last thing I saw that night, ladies and gentlemen, reflected in the ceiling, was my own flaccid penis being masturbated by two bloodied stumps. I guess what I’m saying is, not all love stories are gonna go down in history, are they? Let’s have another quote. “Every child is an artist.” Picasso allegedly said that. “Every child is an–” Who’s got young children here? Honestly, what’s their art like? It’s fucking shit, isn’t it? I’ve got two nieces, seven and nine years of age. I love them dearly, but their art is fucking appalling. “What’s that?” “It’s a house.” “Is it?” “Who’s that next to it?” “The owner.” “Really? Why are they the same height?” “It’s called perspective, dipshit.” That’s okay, they’re children. It’s okay for children to make mistakes. It’s okay for children to be shit, because they’ll either get good, or they’ll find out they’re shit. What worries me a little more is when adults try and kid themselves about something. When I was still teaching, we had a guest speaker come to the school. It was the ex-World Champion boxer Chris Eubank. You may recognize him. Okay. Okay, I’m just gonna explain something to people who don’t realize. There are some people in this room who think I can’t do a good Chris Eubank impression. Those people are about to be proved extremely wrong. Chris came in, and he spoke to the children for– ready? Three and a half hours. Three and a half hours of… “Yes, the thing is… The thing is… when I was a pugilist… I would apply myself with the vigor of a lion.” He was amazing, you know. He walked up and down the front like this. The kids were sat out as you are. He walked up and down for three and a half hours going, “It doesn’t matter what you decide you want to be… You want to be an architect or whatever it is that you desire…” But he had a little trick up his sleeve. He’d written some poems. Original poems, which is interesting. And this is how he delivered them. “You must… Sometimes I would train for 12 to 14 hours. And when you decide what it is you want to do, I would urge you to remember this… always look at the man in the mirror and ask what you want him to be. ‘Cause the man in the mirror is not just you. The man in the mirror is me.” And as this lady will testify to, it scared the shit out of the children. Admittedly, Chris’ tits weren’t as sweaty as mine. And unlike me… Chris didn’t inhale your hair. [laughs] Why not, though? I’ve met Chris a few times. He’s a lovely bloke. Why not try some poetry out? I don’t want to be cynical. I would argue that perhaps Chris isn’t gonna be remembered as a poet. But he is gonna be remembered as a great boxer, so he’s got something covered there, but self-delusion can get dangerous. I was in a taxi again in London. It was driven by a Londoner with a thick London accent. He was one of those Cockneys who could get you whatever you want in life. He was like, “Yeah, yeah. What do you need? A zebra? No problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know a bloke in Rumford. He’s got a lock up full of the stripy cunts. Can’t shift them. They’re like weird horses, aren’t they? They’re like weird horses.” I was not in the mood for a chat, and he was a chatty taxi driver. I was sitting there going, “Please don’t talk.” And he was like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Then he said that thing you dread from some taxi drivers. He went, “Yeah, ’cause of course… I wasn’t always in this game.” And I went, “Ah, fuck. A life story.” I was always gonna talk to him. I’ve got manners. I was raised well by the woman whose teddy I fucked. So I now, “Go on, what did you used to do?” He goes, “I used to be in the old music game, as it goes.” I went, “Uh-huh. Yeah. What did you used to do?” He goes, “I was a bass player.” I went, “Right. Any bands I might have heard of?” He goes, “Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe.” I went, “Go on.” He goes, “For a long time I was in A-ha.” “You were in A-ha?” “Yeah, I was in A-ha.” “A-ha? ‘Take on Me’, A-ha?” “Yeah. ‘Take on Me’, A-ha. From Norway, yeah.” I went, “You weren’t in A-ha, mate.” He goes, “I was with them for years.” I went, “Mate! I know who A-ha are. They’re Mags, Pål… and Morten.” “Yeah, yeah.” “There was no you in A-ha.” He goes, “Yeah, yeah, I was.” And it fucking pissed me off. I’m in a bad mood, and I’ve got a fucking Cockney taxi driver telling me he was in A-ha. I started playing the scenario in my mind of Morten and the boys… “Yeah, boys, we don’t appear to have a bass player.” It’s not just Eubank I do, my friends. “Oh, dear boys.” Fuck you. I’ll do all three of them. “Oh, dear. We don’t appear to have a bass player. Do we, Pål?” “No, we don’t. We haven’t got a bass player.” “Oh, no. We need one, don’t we?” “Why don’t you ask Mags.” “Mags?” “Yes.” “We were just saying we need a…” “We do need a bass player.” “Well, what shall we do?” “Well, we have got some options.” Amazing, isn’t it? Amazing I’m still doing it, but I am gonna carry on. “Yes.” “What are our options?” “Well… We could go to a music school here in Norway where we could ask for a bass player. Yes. Or… or… or… we could get three flights, go to London and ask a fucking taxi driver.” It’s bullshit. It’s bullshit. If you don’t like your job, change your job. Don’t tell tired, grumpy people you used to be in fucking A-ha. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I was so wound up. I went and watched the video for “The Sun Always Shines on TV.” Now, here’s the thing… It was him. What are the fucking chances? It really was. Some people manage to… put out a positive… impression of themselves really easily, to the whole populous, nearly. I’ll give you an example, the seriously ill. That’s right. Yeah. No one has taken them down before. Here I am. What do you ever say about them? What ever gets said about the seriously ill? “How awful…” “Poor thing.” I went to Leicester to do a gig. And I got invited to Leicester’s biggest hospice… to do a day visit, and I thought, “Fuck! No!” But, of course, you can’t turn that offer down. I went,.I thought it would be the worst thing I’d ever have seen. And it was one of the most uplifting and wonderful places, and I said, “I can’t believe there’s any laughter going on in this place at all.” And the lady who runs it said, “Yeah, well, that’s the prejudice we’re fighting against, ’cause these people are still alive. And so, we want them to have good times.” You know? And it really got me, because… I avoid thinking about ill people. And when I thought about it, my own dad, who was ill for six years before he died… When I think back on him now, I just remember some pathetic, old, ill man. Right? And he was loads more than a pathetic, old, ill man. So I started to think, once she said that, “Were there any good times in that six years? Were there any fun times when he was ill?” And there were good times. There were times that we all laughed. I’ll give you one. When he couldn’t go to the toilet by himself, my mom used to let him piss into a Lenor fabric softener bottle. I went, “Why do you use that?” “It’s obvious. It’s got a large handle, a big opening at the top and ‘the refreshing smell of Lenor.'” I’ve changed your perception of my mom, haven’t I? She’s not a stupid old lady anymore. She’s a wonderful, caring wife, isn’t she? Strap yourselves in. I went home one day, there was a small bottle of Lenor on the side and a very angry mom. I went, “You all right?” She goes, “No, I’m not. They’ve redesigned it. They’ve redesigned it. No handle, no big aperture. I’m the laughingstock. I’ve recommended it to all my friends with ill husbands.” And I went, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry Lenor ruined your system.” She goes, “It’s disgusting.” Then I heard some laughter from the other room. And it was my dad, in bed, laughing his head off. And he shouted, “Ask her what she did.” And I go, “What?” He goes, “Ask her what she did.” I went, “What did you do?” She goes, “He’s been lying in his bed taking a piss out of me all morning.” “What did you do?” [shrugs] “I wrote to them.” I had a vision of the head designer coming in and going, “Stop! It’s a wonderful bottle. It’s half the size, less liquid, more portable, but none of you have stopped to consider whether we can get an old man’s wang into this bottle.” Do you know what? Even on the day my dad died, there was some mirth… when me and my mom and my sister were standing round his bed on what I’ve always described as the worst day in my life so far. If you’ve lost someone, you know what this is like. We were standing there, waiting for the inevitable, and when I thought back to it, someone made us laugh. And if my dad had been more with it, he would’ve laughed his head off, too. It was a male nurse. He came into the room, and he said, “Ho! I am having a bad week.” And we all went, “Yep, it’s pretty bad over here as well.” He didn’t take the hint. He went, “Yep. It’s my son. He is fat. He is mega fat.” And we went, “Okay, sorry to hear about your fat son. It’s just… we’re kind of dealing with a thing over here.” And then he said this, “Yep. He’s ten stone… and he’s only six.” I’ve got to tell you, that’s when I walked away from my dying father. “Ten stone? A 140-lbs. six-year-old? I’m in. Fucking stop talking about your mega fat kid. A 140-lbs. six-year-old?” “Yeah. Super fat. Super fat.” And I went, “Jesus Christ, mate. What are you feeding him?” He said… arguably my favorite sentence I’ve ever heard. He said… “He eats a whole cooked chicken every day.” And that’s when my sister walked away from her dying father. She wanted to know about the six-year-old who’s gobbling an entire chicken every day. Who doesn’t want to know about the fat chicken kid? We all do. She goes,”You shouldn’t be feeding him a whole chicken every day…” He goes, “I’m not feeding him.” “He’s getting a whole chicken from somewhere.” “He helps himself.” My sister’s like, “Why don’t you stop him?” He said, “I can’t. He’s stronger than me. He pushes me out of the way of the fridge. There’s nothing I can do about it.” That’s when his luck changed, because my mom… stood up from her husband of 50 years, and I saw her mouth dry up, and she went, “What do you mean? What you mean there’s nothing you can do about it?” My mom is an old school disciplinarian, and I’ll tell you this now, if she were here, she would deny it, but it is fucking true. In fact, I want to get it on record. When I was a child, I wouldn’t eat my peas one Sunday, and she punched me in the face. And that is true. When she saw this show, she said, “I object to that, Greg. It wasn’t a punch. It was a flat palm.” She heard the sentence, “There’s nothing I can do about it.” She went, “What do you mean there’s nothing you can do about it? Stop a six-year-old from eating a whole chicken every day. Of course there’s something you can do.” He goes, “There’s nothing I can do.” And she said, “For God’s sake, man, don’t cook him a chicken.” And we all pissed ourselves laughing in unison when he shouted back at her. He went, “No! That’s the problem. He cooks it himself!” Oh, man. So… inevitably, my dad died. If you’ve lost someone, you know how shit that is. We were very close. I want to fast forward two and a half years to Christmas two and a half years ago. My sister had brought the kids home and my brother-in-law, and we were sitting in the front room about to watch the Queen’s speech. Of course, a big tradition in Britain. Three o’clock on Christmas day, lots of people sit down and listen to the Queen has to say about the year that’s gone behind us. My mom never misses it. Now… I did an award-winning fart. It ripped through the room like fork lightning. I knew it was a classic, ’cause the Queen hadn’t spoken yet, but it caused my mom to leave the room. My sister said this to me. She said, “You know I’ve just realized.” I went, “Go on.” “I’ve just realized your farts, they sound exactly like Dad’s.” Now… my dad was an academic, a world traveler, the funniest man I’ve ever met. He would’ve bored you himself. He once played cricket with the King of Jordan. And I thought to myself, “Hmm, I wonder… Is that the epitaph he would have dreamt of? That he has passed down anus genes to his son. That the strongest genetic… gift he gave his son… was the same anus.” I thought… If I’m gonna talk about him in a show, I’m gonna put a better epitaph out there. So I started thinking of pithy things I could sum my dad up with. He was a very funny man, he used to lie to us all the time for fun, to amuse himself. He once told us he was bitten by shark off the coast of North Wales. He was a very proud Welshman, my dad. And when my sister used to get mad and go, “Why do you lie to us?” He’d go, “Because the truth is so boring.” And I thought, “That’s a great epitaph.” And I thought another epitaph could be the time that I wound him up when I was a teenager, and he grabbed me by the throat once and pushed me against the wall and said, “Don’t mess with me, you fuck pig.” Which is an extraordinary epitaph. Do you know what I’ve realized? You can’t write an epitaph. Think about someone you’ve lost and been close to. It’s impossible to sum a human being up with a pithy thing. It’s not possible, because there are a thousand different things to a thousand different people, just as we all are, as well. You can’t do it. You cannot try and convince everyone that you’re all right. With all that said… I hope you’ll indulge me, I’m gonna leave you tonight with a small tribute to my dad. We once did a long trip to Wales. And on that road trip, he said to me, “You know nothing of Wales, do you? You know nothing of your heritage. of Welsh culture?” And I don’t. He’s right. I didn’t then, and I don’t now. And I couldn’t give a shit. Sorry if you enjoyed Who Do You Think You Are? [laughs] Not true, of course. I said, “What do you want me to do?” He said, “Learn some Welsh.” I went, “Let’s go.” He said, “I’m gonna teach you a song.” I said, “Teach me a song.” He goes, “A traditional Welsh folk song.” And I tried to learn it. In three hours, I learned two lines, because Welsh as a language is insane. But I learned those two lines, and he was thrilled that I’d done it. I could see it in his eyes, and I’ve never forgotten them. So if you’ll indulge me, I’m gonna leave you by singing those two lines tonight. [clears throat] Thank you. [singing in Welsh] Thanks. Thanks. It was… It was years later, I sang that song to my Welsh friend, and he said, “What the fuck?” I said, “It’s a Welsh folk song.” He goes, “It’s not a Welsh folk song. Do you want me to translate it?” I went, “Go on.” [speaks Welsh] “The monkey is in the tree playing with its potatoes.” It doesn’t even make sense. [speaking Welsh] “The squirrel is under the table, ram it up my ass.” That tells you more about my dad than a thousand epitaphs ever could. Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t like to leave things unfinished. So I have finished that song since my dad’s died, using as many of the beautiful animals in God’s glorious Kingdom as I could. I’ve tried to match the tone. I’ve had it converted into Welsh for you. And I think, arguably, I’ve gone further than anyone would ever go, in that I’ve hired a male voice choir to sing it for me. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Phoenix Choir of Wales. A tribute to my father. And if your father’s gone, let it be a tribute to him, too. Please, enjoy. ♪ The farmer’s wife was very vexed ♪ ♪ He’d been acting very odd ♪ ♪ She asked, “What the hell is wrong with you?” ♪ And this was his reply ♪ ♪ The reply ♪ ♪ The monkey is up the tree ♪ ♪ Playing with its potatoes ♪ ♪ And the squirrel is under the table ♪ ♪ Ram it up my arse ♪ [Greg] So beautiful. ♪ She said, “Leave that squirrel alone ♪ ♪ Or we’re heading For a nasty divorce” ♪ ♪ “Pray, look upon the wren,” he said ♪ ♪ It’s licking out the horse ♪ If you feel emotional, just let it out. It’s fine. ♪ The crow has slapped its tits All night ♪ ♪ The otter’s balls are very long ♪ ♪ I saw the stoat shaving its clam ♪ ♪ Get that squirrel up my wrong ♪ ♪ Up my hole ♪ ♪ The cat felt up the spider ♪ ♪ And his bellend went really stiff ♪ ♪ Two bison 69’d ♪ ♪ And a rhino flashed its snatch ♪ ♪ These animals aren’t even on the farm ♪ ♪ His poor wife cried out ♪ ♪ Don’t let the zebra hear ♪ ♪ He’s gay without a doubt ♪ ♪ Go and see a shrink ♪ ♪ About your problems, my dear ♪ ♪ “The squirrel is under the table,” He cried ♪ ♪ Now ram it up my arse ♪ For our fathers. For our fathers, ladies and gentlemen. The Phoenix Choir of Wales, please. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s amazing to be back in London. Thank you so much for coming to see me. I had such a great time. Take care of yourselves. Thank you. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-doin-it-again-transcript/ | George Carlin: Doin’ It Again (1990) – Transcript | george carlin | Recorded on January 12–13, 1990, State Theatre, New Brunswick, New Jersey So you want to talk about it? Oh yeah. It all started in 1977. I mean, that’s when I started doing it regularly. How many times have you done it? Six times. I’ve done it six times. Why do you do it? I don’t know. It’s like I can’t help myself. What does your family think? Thank God my family doesn’t know. But how’d you get caught? They were taping me. Taping you? Yeah. Every time I did it, they had a tape running. Jumbo shrimp, those words don’t even go together, man. That’s like military intelligence, they have that, too. How did they do that? That’s what they tell you, get on the plane, get on the plane. Fuck you, I’m getting in the plane. I wonder a lot of things, but that’s my job. My job is thinking up goofy shit. Al Sleet here, your hippie dippie weather man with all the hippie dippie weather, man. Got into an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard Snap, Crackle, fuck him. Have a nice day. And the original list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother fucker and tits. This was all I could think of in one sitting. That’s all your house is, is a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. But here’s a little cheer, a lot of people like it, it goes like this, rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat. 69 assholes tied in a knot. Hurrah, lizard shit. Fuck. I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five 2s. Does it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns, and they’re going to keep the fucking real ones. Thank you, thank you very much. Welcome to our show.
Don’t you think it’s just a little bit strange that Ronald Reagan had an operation on his asshole and George Bush had an operation on his middle finger, huh? Huh? What are these two men trying to tell us? Now I’d like to begin tonight with an opening announcement. Because of the FCC, I’m never sure what it is I’m allowed to say, So. So I now have my own official policy. This is the language you will not be hearing tonight. You will not hear me say, bottom line, game plan, role model, scenario, or hopefully. I will not kick back, mellow out, or be on a roll. I will not go for it, and I will not check it out. I don’t even know what it is. And when I leave here, I definitely will not boogie. I promise not to refer to anyone as a class act, a beautiful person, or a happy camper. I will also not be saying, what a guy. And you will not hear me refer to anyone’s lifestyle. If you want to know what a moronic word “lifestyle” is, all you have to do is realize that in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an active, outdoor lifestyle. I will also not be saying any cute things, like moi, and I will not use the French adverb très to modify any English adjectives, such as très awesome, très narly, très fabut, très intense, or très out of sight. I will not say concept when I mean idea. I will not say impacted when I mean effected. There will be no hands on state of the art networking. We will not maximize, prioritize or finalize, and we definitely will not interface. There will also… There will also be no new age lingo spoken here tonight, no support group jargon from the human potential movement. For instance, I will not share anything with you. I will not relate to you, and you will not identify with me. I will give you no input, and I will expect no feedback. This will not be a learning experience, nor will it be a growth period. There’ll be no sharing, no caring, no birthing, no bonding, no parenting, no nurturing. We will not establish a relationship, we will not have any meaningful dialogue, and we definitely will not spend any quality time. We will not be supportive of one another so that we can get in touch with our feelings in order to feel good about ourselves. And if you’re one of those people who needs a little space, please, go the fuck outside! We will, we will, however, be talking about those little moments that seem to last forever. Have you ever been in a serious social situation when you suddenly realize you have to pull the underwear out of the crack in your ass? Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? Huh? Who, her? Oh, hell yeah. Well, it’s one of life’s little moments, isn’t it? It’s one of those little moments you have to deal with at the time. You can’t postpone that. You can’t put that off and be walking around like this. You’ve got to get in there and clear that thing out. You’ve got to rescue your underwear. There’s a letter in your mailbox. That’s right. And you have to rectify that situation so that you can move along to your next embarrassing moment, which is probably scheduled immediately. That’s the way life is, full of those little moments. Everybody knows them, everybody recognizes them. You ever been at a really loud party, I mean, a good loud party where the music is playing too loud and everybody is talking too loudly, and in order to be heard even by the person standing right next to you, you’ve got to be screaming at the top of your lungs. But every now and then at a party, it seems as though everyone shuts up at the same time. And only your voice, can be heard. Right, I know. I know. Well, what I’m going to do, I’m going to have my testicles laminated. Life’s little moments. You ever been talking to someone and you laugh through your nose and blow a snot on your shirt. And you have to just kind of keep talking, you know, and make believe it’s part of the design. Works all right if you’re wearing a Hawaiian shirt, but otherwise they’re going to notice. Ed, you got a big snot on your shirt. Some guys are really cruel, you know. And some of these things are not even your fault. These little things that happen, you didn’t cause the situation, a lot of time you’re the victim. You walk into some situation, and suddenly you’re the one who’s taking all the heat. Not your fault. Give you an example of the kind of thing I mean. Did you ever meet somebody and you go to shake the guy’s hand and you suddenly realize he doesn’t have a complete hand? And you got to make believe it feels great, Right, you can’t go ahhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh! You can’t do that. It’s not even an option. You got to hang in there and say hi, hey, swell hand. Give me three. Hi 3, yo! Not your fault. You didn’t cause that. You weren’t even there when it happened to the guy. You were probably out walking your dog, which is what I’m usually doing, walking my dog. Because I love my dog. I love all my dogs. I love every dog I ever had. I remember them all, and I love every one of them, still love all my dogs. And I’ve had me a lot of God damn dogs. In my lifetime I have had me a bunch of different dogs. Because you do keep getting a new dog, don’t you? You just keep getting one dog after another. That’s the whole secret of life. Life is a series of dogs. It’s true, you just keep getting a new dog, don’t you? That’s what’s good about them, they don’t live too long. And you can go get a new God damn dog. Sometimes you can get a dog looks exactly like the dog you used to have, right? You shop around a little bit, you can find a dog identical to your former dog. And that’s real handy because you don’t have to change the pictures on your mirror or anything, right? You just bring the dead one into the pet shop, throw him up on the counter, say give me another one of them. That was real good. And they’ll give you a carbon copy of your ex-God damn dog. Now, my favorite dog that I ever had in my whole lifetime was Tippie. Tippie was a good dog. Some of you remember, I’ve talked about Tippie. Tippie was a good dog. Tippie was a mixed terrier. You know that word mixed that the veterinarian puts on the form when even he don’t know what the fuck you got. You bring in a little mixed puppy to a veterinarian and say, what is it? He’ll say, well, it’s definitely not a monkey. Tippie was actually part Dodge Dart. Poor Tippie was full of guilt, so much so in fact she’s the only dog I ever had who committed suicide. Yeah, well, we don’t say it like that around the house. We say she put herself to sleep. But she ran out in front of a milk truck. That’s fucking suicide. But that was her decision. That’s what Tippie wanted to do. And that’s the way it is in our family, if you want to commit suicide, we back you up. So we supported Tippie in her little suicide decision, then we brought her into the pet shop, threw her up on the counter, and said, give us something bigger. We’re trading up. We was looking for a bigger God damn dog. Because Tippie had been teenie, even before the truck came by. The truck had made her teenier, wider, but teenier. And we was looking for a bigger God damn dog. Not too big, you know, I don’t like a dog who’s bigger than I am. It’s bad enough looking for shit in one direction without having to duck flying turds as well. A good rule of thumb is keep the dog’s asshole below eye level. So we compromised, and we got us a mid-sized dog, knee high, just about like this size here, best size you can own, by the way. Most people know, this is the ideal size dog to have. You know why, anybody comes to visit you, the first thing that dog does is take his nose and put it right in their crotch. Oohh, oohh, he smells my dog. No, Marge, I don’t believe that’s the animal he has in mind. And people get embarrassed by that, especially the owner of the dog. The owner’s the one who’s saying stop that, stop that, will you stop that now, stop it. I’m awfully sorry about this. Not me, I say, get in there and get some of that. Get in there and sniff that thing out, go on. Listen, would you mind spreading your legs a little bit so he can get right in there? Yeah, stand like this for a little while, would you? Okay, looking good now. So how’s your mom and dad doing, anyway? Well, God bless them, it’s a wonderful couple. Go around the back, check it out in the back. Sniff that other thing in the back there. What’s that? Well, there’s two different smells he likes, what can I tell you. Don’t pay him no attention, he’ll be finished in just about half an hour. So listen, Reverend, it’s real nice of you to come and call on us like this. Every one of us is always glad to see you around here, especially that God damn dog. Those dogs are great, they’ll break the ice when a new neighbor comes to call. Hi, we’re the Johnsons. What’s his name? Ball Sniffer. He’s a crotch hound. Let me know if you want to get circumcised, he’s on duty till 5:00 o’clock. Dogs are a constant source of entertainment. Did you ever have a dog that ate cat turds? Some of them do, some of you must know that? Did you ever have a dog eat cat turds? Yeah. Of course you got to have a cat, you know. You can’t be buying cat turds at the supermarket. But it’s true, some dogs will eat cat turds, yeah. Don’t let them lick you that day. Get a bottle of Listerine for him. Try to make him gargle. Pour it down his throat and tell him to howl. Come on, howl, howl, God damn it. Stomp on his tail. Howl, I said, God damn it, howl. Oh, dogs are a lot of fun. Did you ever have a dog that ate a bunch of colored balloons and then he takes a shit and it’s real decorative like? Or sometimes at Christmas they’ll eat some tinsel and take a shiny shit. Wow, look, mom, can we hang it on the tree? Well, it is considered good luck in some cultures. Here’s a little household hint for you. This will help you clean up after your dogs. Feed your dog a lot of rubber bands. Put a lot of rubber bands in with his regular food, then when he takes a shit, there’s usually a little loop in the end of it. You just pick it up by the loop, do you know what I mean? Throw it in the neighbor’s yard. Yeah. That’s why I travel around, give these little household hints. Bet you never read that one in Heloise, huh? Yeah, about time for me to get a little drink of water. Figure this stuff is safe to drink. Huh? Actually, I don’t care if it’s safe or not, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I’m an American, and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. That’s right. I’m a loyal American, and I’m not happy unless I’ve let government and industry poison me a little bit every day. Let me have a few hundred thousand carcinogens here. Ah. A little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer, I think. It’s good for you, keeps you on your toes. Besides, I ain’t afraid of cancer, I had broccoli for lunch. Broccoli kills cancer. A lot of people don’t know that, it’s not out yet. It’s true, you find out you got some cancer, get yourself a fucking bowl of broccoli, that’ll wipe it right out in a day or two. Cauliflower, too. Cauliflower kills the really big cancers, the ones you can see through clothing from across the street. Broccoli kills the little ones, the ones that are slowly eating you away from inside, while your God damn goofy half-educated doctor keeps telling you, you’re doing fine, Jim. In fact, bring your doctor a bowel of broccoli, he’s probably got cancer, too, probably picked it up from you. They don’t know what they’re doing, it’s all guesswork in a white coat. Here, let me have a few more sips of industrial waste. Ah, maybe, maybe I can turn them cancers against one another. That’s what you got to hope for, you know, that you get more than one cancer so they eat each other up instead of you. In fact, the way I look at it, the most cancer you got, the healthier you are. Well, I know, some people don’t like you to talk about those things, I know that. Some people don’t like you to mention certain things. Some people don’t want you to say this, some people don’t want you to say that. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. Some people are really fucking stupid. Did you ever notice that, how many really stupid people you run into during the day? God damn, there’s a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Carry a little pad and pencil with you, you wind up with 30 or 40 names by the end of the day. Look at it this way. Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that. And it doesn’t take you very long to spot one of them, does it. Take you about eight seconds. You’ll be listening to some guy, and say, this guy is fucking stupid. Then, then there are some people, they’re not stupid. They’re full of shit. Huh, that doesn’t take very long to spot, either, does it. Take you about the same amount of time. You’ll be listening to some guy, saying, well, he’s fairly intelligent. Ah, he’s full of shit. Then there are some people, they’re not stupid, they’re not full of shit, they’re fucking nuts. Dan Quayle is all three, all three, stupid, full of shit, and fucking nuts. And where did he get that wife of his? Have you taken a good look at that Marilyn Quayle? Where did he get her, at a Halloween party or something? She looks like Prince Charles, for Christ’s sake. Let me ask you something, does he actually have to fuck that woman? Huh? God help him, I wouldn’t fuck her with a stolen dick. That’s my political humor. People like it when you’re topical. Oh, some people don’t like you to talk like that. Oh, some people would like to shut you up for saying those things. You know that, lots of people, lots of groups in this country want to tell you how to talk, tell you what you can’t talk about. Sometimes they’ll say, well, you can talk about something, but you can’t joke about it. Say you can’t joke about it because it’s not funny. Comedians run into that shit all the time, like rape. They’ll say, you can’t joke about rape. Rape’s not funny. I say, fuck you, I think it’s hilarious, how do you like that? I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd. See? Hey, why do you think they call him Porky, huh? I know what you’re going to say, Elmer was asking for it. Elmer was coming on to Porky. Porky couldn’t help himself, he got a hard-on, he got horny, he lost control, he went out of his mind. Lot of men talk like that, lot of men think that way. They think it’s the woman’s fault. They like to blame the rape on the woman, say, hey, she had it coming, she was wearing a short skirt. These guys think women ought to go to prison for being cock teasers. Don’t seem fair to me, don’t seem right, but you can joke about it. I believe you can joke about anything. It all depends on how you construct the joke, what the exaggeration is, what the exaggeration is. Because every joke needs one exaggeration, every joke needs one thing to be way out of proportion. Give you an example. Did you ever see a news story like this is the paper? Every now and then you run into a story that says, some guy broke into a house, stole a lot of things, and while he was in there, he raped an 81-year old woman. And I’m thinking to myself, why? What the fuck kind of a social life does this guy have? I want to say, why did you do that? Well, she was coming on to me. We were dancing, and I got horny. Hey, she was asking for it. She had on a tight bathrobe. I say, Jesus Christ, be a little fucking selective next time, will you? Now, speaking of rape. You know what I wonder? I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the North Pole? These are the kind of things I think about when I’m sitting home alone and the power goes out. I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the North Pole. I mean, per capita. I know the populations are different. Most people think it’s the equator. I think it’s the North Pole. People think it’s the equator because it’s hot down there, they don’t wear a lot of clothing, guys can see women’s tits, they get horny, and there’s a lot of fucking going on. That’s exactly why there’s less rape at the equator, because there’s a lot of fucking going on. You can tell there’s a lot of fucking at the equator, take a look at the population figures. Billions of people life near the equator. How many Eskimos we got, 30, 35? No one’s getting laid at the North Pole, it’s too fucking cold. Guys say to their wives, hey, tonight honey, huh, tonight, huh? Are you crazy, the wind chill factor is 300 below. These guys are deprived, they’re horny, they’re pent up. Every now and then, they bust out, they got to rape somebody. Now, the biggest problem an Eskimo rapist has, trying to get wet leather leggings off a woman who’s kicking. Did you ever try to get leather pants off of someone who doesn’t want to take them off? You would lose your hard on in the process. Up at the North Pole, your dick would shrivel up like a stack of dimes. That’s another thing I wonder. I wonder, does a rapist have a hard on when he leaves the house in the morning, or does he develop it during the day when he’s walking around looking for somebody? These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools. Now I probably got the feminists all pissed off at me because I’m joking about rape. Feminists want to control your language. Feminists want to tell you how to talk. And they’re not alone, they’re not alone, I’m not picking on the feminists, they got a lot of company in this country. There’s a lot of groups, lot of institutions in this country want to control your language, tell you what you can say and what you can’t say. Government wants to tell you some things you can’t say because they’re against the law. Or you can’t say this because it’s against a regulation. Or here’s something you can’t say because it’s a secret. You can’t tell him that because he’s not cleared to know that. Government wants to control information and control language because that’s the way you control thought. And basically that’s the game they’re in. Same with religion. Religion is nothing but mind control. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they’re going to tell you some things you shouldn’t say because they’re sins. And besides telling you things you shouldn’t say, religion’s going to suggest to you some things you ought to be saying. Here’s something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning. Here’s something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night. Here’s something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in Spring at 4:00 when the bells ring. Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying, same with political groups of all kinds, political activists, anti-biased groups, special interest groups are going to suggest the correct political vocabulary, the way you ought to be saying things, and that’s where the feminists come in. Now, as I said, I got nothing against the feminists. In fact, I happen to agree with most of the feminist philosophy I have read. I agree for instance that for the most part, men are vain, ignorant, greedy, brutal assholes who’ve just about ruined this planet… Who’ve just about ruined this planet because they’re afraid someone might have a bigger dick out there somewhere. Men are basically insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they go to war over it. You don’t have to be a political scientist or a history major to see the bigger dick foreign policy theory at work. It goes something like this, what, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them. And of course, the bombs and the bullets and the rockets are all shaped like dicks. I don’t understand that part of it, but it is part of the equation. So I agree with that abstract, that man, men, males, have pushed the technology that just about has this planet in a stranglehold. Mother Earth, raped again, guess who? Eh, she was asking for it. I also happen to like it when feminists attack these fat ass housewives who think there’s nothing more to life than sitting home on the telephone drinking coffee, watching TV and pumping out a baby every nine months. Ba boom, ba boom, ba boom, ba boom, ba boom. Will seven be enough, Bob? Ba boom, ba boom. But what’s the alternative? What’s the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? Pointless careerism? Putting on a man tailored suit with shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? This is the noblest thing that women can think of, to take a job in a criminal corporation that’s poisoning the environment and robbing customers out of their money? This is the worthiest thing they can think of? Isn’t there something nobler they can do to be helping this planet heal? You don’t hear much about that from these middle class women. I’ve noticed that most of these feminists are white, middle class women, they don’t give a shit about black women’s problems, they don’t care about Latino women. All they’re interested in is their own reproductive freedom and their pocketbooks. But when it comes to changing the language, I think they make some good points, because we do think in language. And so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language. So maybe some of this patriarchal shit ought to go away. I think spokesmen ought to be spokesperson. I think chairman ought to be chairperson. I think mankind ought to be humankind. But they take it too far. They take themselves too seriously. The exaggerate. They want me to call that thing in the street a person hole cover. I think that’s taking it a little bit too far. What would you call a lady’s man, a person’s person? That would make a he-man an it person. Little kids would be afraid of the boogie person. They’d look up in the sky and see the person in the moon. Guys would say come back here and fight like a person, and we’d all sing, For It’s a Jolly Good Person. That’s the kind of thing you would hear on Late Night with David Letterperson. You know what I mean? So I think it’s an exaggeration, and I like to piss off any group that takes itself a little bit too seriously, and it does not take a lot of imagination to piss off a feminist. All you got to do is run into N.O.W. Headquarters or Ms. Magazine and say, Hey, which one of you cute little cupcakes wants to come home and cook me a nice meal and give me a blow job? Blow job. Oh, that pisses them off. You want to piss off a feminist, call her a cum catcher, that’ll get her attention. Ah, don’t act disgusted, don’t act disgusted, half of you are going to go home and go down on each other tonight, remember? If you’re willing to swallow cum, let’s not make believe something I said was disgusting, okay? All right. Let’s not have a double standard here, one standard will do just fine. Now, speaking of blowjobs. Do you know why they call it a blowjob? So it’ll sound like it has kind of a work ethic attached to it. Make you feel like you did something useful for the economy. Long as I’m being a complete pig up here, let me ask you guys a question. Let me ask one question of the men. Are you ever able to watch a woman eating a banana and not think about a blowjob, huh? I can’t do it. I can’t do it, and I know why, I’m a sick evil fuck, I know that. I accept that. But I can’t do it. Eating a banana, eating a pickle, licking on an ice cream cone. I’m saying to myself, look at the tongue on her, wow. So you women be careful when you’re standing out in front of that Hagen Daas, because God damn it, we’re watching. And God damn it, we’re thinking. Another woman’s issue, prostitution. I do not understand why prostitution is illegal. Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling is legal, fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away? I can’t follow the logic on that at all. Of all the things you can do too a person, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the Army, they give you a medal for spraying Napalm on people. Civilian life, you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm. Maybe I’m not supposed to understand it. I got strange ideas anyway. You know what I think they ought to do with that Miss American contest? I think they ought to make the losers keep coming back until they win. I’ll tell you. That would get a little spooky after about 35 years or so, huh? I just want to work on world peace. Fine, sit down before you fall down, will you? And pick up all these Goddamn batons. I got a lot of ideas. You know what I think? I think Kleenex ought to have little targets on them. Wouldn’t that be a good idea, little bulls eyes right in the middle of the Kleenex, make it kind of sporting when you’re with your friends. (Blowing nose sound) Look Dave, an 85. That’s a good idea. I got a lot of good ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. I got a lot of good ideas for new products like that. That’s what I think about on my off duty hours, things we need, products we ought to have that we don’t have. You know what we ought to have, we ought to have a diet salad dressing called 500 Islands. See, good God damn ideas, like that, huh? A Christian deodorant, Thou Shalt Not Smell. How about a feminine hygiene spray called Sprunt. Huh? Well, you’d never forget the name, would you? It would always be on the tip of your tongue, see? Marketing, marketing, that’s where I belong, among other places. Marketing. Here’s an idea I got. This is a yo-yo with a 2,000-foot string. You use it when you visit the Grand Canyon. See, I’m a visionary, I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead. Here’s a good idea, a light bulb that only shines on things worth looking at. Yeah, kind of too idealistic, never make any money on a thing like that. Here’s something that’s going to make you a fortune, get in on this. This is a roach spray, it doesn’t kill the roaches, but it fills them with self-doubt as to whether or not they’re in the right house. Yeah. Here’s something I’m trying to interest the Japanese electronics firms in this. This would be a great product for Sony. This is a combination cassette player and colostomy bag. It’s called Shitman. Huh? Sure. Well, you never see that. You never see that. You never see a guy jogging down the street, listening to a Shitman. No, that’s one of those things you never see. There’s a lot of things you never see. And you don’t know you don’t see them because you don’t see them. You got to see something first to know you never saw it, then you see it and say, hey I never saw that. Too late, you just saw it. I know things you never see. You never see a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says, shit happens. You never see a really big tall, fat Chinese guy with red hair. You never see a wheelchair with the roll bar. You never see someone taking a shit while running at full speed. And you never see a picture of Margaret Thatcher strapping on a dildo. You’ll never see it. That’s one of those things you never see. Then there are some things you never hear, that makes sense. Some things you never hear. You never hear this, Dad, you really ought to drink more. Here’s something you don’t hear too often Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone. Here is something no one has ever heard, ever, ever. As soon as I put this hot poker in my ass, I’m going to chop my dick off. You know why you never heard that? Right, no one ever said that. Which to me is the more amazing thing, no one ever thought to say that before tonight. I’m the first person in the world to put those words together in that particular order. First guy, number one. Here’s something you don’t hear too often, Honey, let’s sell the children, move to Zanzibar and begin taking opium rectally. Mom? Mom, I got a big date tonight, can I borrow a French tickler from you? Then there are some things you don’t want to hear. Some things you just flat don’t want to hear. You don’t want to come home from work and hear, honey, remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks? You don’t want to be sitting in your doctor’s office and hear this. Well, Jim, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t live another 20 to 30 years. However, you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes. Here’s something I don’t want to hear, I’m pregnant, you’re the father, and I’m going to kill all three of us. Calm down, have some dip. Honey, it’s the police. They have a search warrant, and the 300 kilos of cocaine are still sitting out in the living room. Here’s something nobody wants to hear, nobody wants to hear this. Try to think back to when this was appropriate to your life. You and your fiancé have been invited to your mom and dad’s house for dinner for the first time. Halfway through dinner, your fiancé stands up and says, I’ll be right back. I got to take a dump. There seems to be no really gentile way of announcing publicly a dump. And frankly, I’m not impressed with people who tell me what they’re going to do when they go to the bathroom in the first place. Doesn’t it bother you, people that announce it, I’ll be right back, I’m going to take a shit. Never mind. Do what you have to do and leave me out of it, and don’t describe it when you come back. Boy, you should have seen… Never mind. It set off the smoke alarm. Never mind. I have never understood that, nor have a cared for it. Something else I don’t care for, these organ donor programs. That shit bother you a little bit? Sounds like Josef Mengele’s been sitting on some of those meetings or something? Organ donor programs. The thing that bothers me the most about it is they’re run by the Motor Vehicle Bureau. I figure, hey, shit, you got to wait on a line that long for a kidney, fuck it, do without. It’s the Motor Vehicle Bureau in most states who send you the little card you’re supposed to carry right next to your wallet, right next to your driver’s license, in your wallet, little card. You’re supposed to fill it out and on it you’re supposed to list the organs you’re willing to give in case you die. Are these people out of their fucking minds or something? Do you honestly believe that if a paramedic finds that card on you in an automobile accident, he’s going to try to save your life? Bullshit, he’s looking for parts, man. Absolutely. Look, Dan, here’s that lower intestine we’ve been looking for. Never mind the oxygen, this man’s a donor. Bullshit, they want something of mine, they can have my rectum and my anus, that’s all I’m giving, take them and get out of here. Put them in your bag and get the fuck out of my life, that’s all I’m giving. I don’t want some guy poking around in me, hoping I die. I want to live. I don’t want to die. That’s the whole secret of life, not dying. I figured that shit out alone in third grade. And don’t be pulling any plugs on me, either. Here’s another bunch of macho asshole bullshit floating around this country, people talking about ah, pull the plug on me. If I’m ever like that, if I’m comatose, if I’m like a vegetable, pull the plug on me. Fuck you, leave my plug alone. Get an extension cord for my plug. I want everything you got, tubes, cords, plugs, probes, electrodes, IV’s, you got something, stick it in me, man. You find out I got a hole I didn’t know I had, put a fucking plug in it. Vegetable, shit, I don’t care if I look like an artichoke. Save my ass. There’s three things I want if I’m ever in that condition, three things I got to have, ice cream, morphine and television. You give me that ice cream every two hours, give me that morphine about… every ten minutes, and turn on the fucking TV. I want to see Geraldo. And don’t be coming to visit me, I got no time for life people, I’m brain dead here. You people got no respect for the brain dead? Hey, you got to be brain dead to watch Geraldo in the first place. You might as well watch him when you’re clinically brain dead. There’s one other thing I thought about concerning this comatose thing, and this might help you someday. This little piece of information might come in handy sometime in the future if you’re in this circumstance. If you knew a family, if you knew a family and one of them was a homosexual and he was in an automobile accident and he was comatose, you could always comfort that family by saying, well, look at it this way, he was a fruit, now he’s a vegetable. Listen, at least he’s still in the produce section. Now I probably got some other group pissed off at me because I said fruit. There’s a different group to get pissed off at you in this country for everything you’re not supposed to say. Can’t say fruit, can’t say faggot, can’t say queer, can’t say Nancy boy, can’t say pansy. Can’t say n*gger, boogie, jig, jiggaboo, skinhead, jungle bunny, moolie, moolie yan or schwarz. Can’t say yid, heeb, zeeb, kike, mackie, dego, ginny, wop, ginzo, greaser, greaseball, spick, beaner, oya, tiger, PR, Mick, donkey, turkey, limey, frog, squarehead, kraut, jerry, Hun, chink, jap, nip, slope, slopehead, zip, zipper head, gook. There is absolutely nothing wrong… There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those words in and of themselves. They’re only words. It’s the context that counts. It’s the user. It’s the intention behind the words that makes them good or bad. The words are completely neutral the words are innocent. I get tired of people talking about bad words and bad language. Bullshit. It’s the context that makes them good or bad, the context that makes them good or bad. For instance, you take the word n*gger. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the word n*gger in and of itself. It’s the racist asshole that’s using it that you ought to be concerned about. We don’t care when Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy says it. Why? Because we know they’re not racists. They’re n*ggers. Context. Context. We don’t mind their context because we know they’re black. Hey, I know I’m Whitey, the blue-eyed devil patio, fake gray boy, honkie, motherfucker myself. Don’t bother my ass. They’re only words. You can’t be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it’s an unpleasant truth like the fact that there’s a bigot and a racist in every living room on every street corner in this country. I don’t like words that hide the truth. I don’t like words that conceal reality. I don’t like euphemisms or euphemistic language. And American English is loaded with euphemisms, because Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality. Americans have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a soft language to protect themselves from it. And it gets worse with every generation. For some reason it just keeps getting worse. I’ll give you an example of that. There’s a condition in combat, most people know about it. It’s when a fighting person’s nervous system has been stressed to its absolute peak and maximum, can’t take any more input. The nervous system has either snapped or is about to snap. In the First World War that condition was called shell shock. Simple, honest, direct language, two syllables. Shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves. That was 70 years ago. Then a whole generation went by, and the Second World War came along and the very same combat condition was called battle fatigue. Four syllables now, it takes a little longer to say, doesn’t seem to hurt as much. Fatigue is a nicer word than shock. Shell shock, battle fatigue. Then we had the war in Korea in 1950, Madison Avenue was riding high by that time, and the very same combat condition was called Operational Exhaustion. Hey, we’re up to eight syllables now, and the humanity has been squeezed completely out of the phrase, it’s totally sterile now. Operational Exhaustion. Sounds like something that might happen to your car. Then of course came the war in Viet Nam, which has only been over for about 16 or 17 years. And thanks to the lies and deceits surrounding that war, I guess it’s no surprise that the very same condition was called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Still eight syllables, but we’ve added a hyphen, and the pain is completely buried under jargon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I bet you if we’d have still been calling it shell shock, some of them Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. But it didn’t happen, and one of the reasons is because we were using that soft language, that language that takes the life out of life. And it is a function of time, it does keep getting worse, give you another example. Sometime during my life, sometime during my life toilet paper became bathroom tissue. I wasn’t notified of this, no one asked me if I agreed with it. It just happened.
Toilet paper became bathroom tissue.
Sneakers became running shoes.
False teeth became dental appliances.
Medicine became medication.
Information became directory assistance.
The dump became the landfill.
Car crashes became automobile accidents.
Partly cloudy became partly sunny.
Motels became motor lodges.
House trailers became mobile homes.
Used cars became previously owned transportation.
Room service became guest room dining.
And constipation became occasional irregularity.
When I was a little kid, if I got sick they wanted me to go to the hospital and see the doctor. Now they want me to go to a health maintenance organization, or a wellness center to consult a healthcare delivery professional.
Poor people used to live in slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupies substandard housing in the inner cities.
And they’re broke. They’re broke. They don’t have a negative cash flow position, they’re fucking broke.
Because a lot of them were fired. You know, fired, management wanted to curtail redundancies in the human resources area, so many people are no longer viable members of the workforce.
Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins, it’s as simple as that.
The CIA doesn’t kill anybody any more. They neutralize people, or they depopulate the area.
The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation.
The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation and something they call Sunshine Units.
Israeli murderers are called Commandos.
Arab Commandos are called terrorists.
Contra killers are called Freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do Freedom Fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they? Never mention that part of it.
Some of this stuff is just silly, we all know that. Like on the airlines, they say they want to pre board. Well, what the hell is pre board, what does that mean? To get on before you get on?
They say they’re going to pre board those passengers in need of special assistance. Cripples. Simple, honest, direct language. There’s no shame attached to the word cripple that I can find in any dictionary, no shame attached to it. In fact it’s a word used in Bible translations, Jesus healed the cripples. Doesn’t take seven words to describe that condition. But we don’t have any cripples in this country any more. We have the physically challenged. Is that a grotesque enough evasion for you?
How about differently abled? I’ve heard them called that, differently abled. You can’t even call these people handicapped anymore. They’ll say, we’re not handicapped, we’re handy capable. These poor people have been bullshitted by the system into believing that if you change the name of the condition, somehow you’ll change the condition. Well, hey cousin doesn’t happen. Doesn’t happen.
We have no more deaf people in this country, hearing impaired.
No one’s blind any more, partially sighted or visually impaired.
We have no more stupid people. Everybody has a learning disorder, or he’s minimally exceptional. How would you like to be told that about your child, he’s minimally exceptional. Oh, thank God for that.
Psychologists actually have started calling ugly people those with severe appearance deficits.
It’s getting so bad that any day now I expect to hear a rape victim referred to as an unwilling sperm recipient.
And we have no more old people in this country, no more old people. We shipped them all away, and we brought in these senior citizens. Isn’t that a typically American 20th Century phrase? Bloodless, lifeless. No pulse in one of them. A senior citizen. And I’ve accepted that one, I’ve come to terms with it, I know it’s here to stay. We’ll never get rid of it, that’s what they’re going to be called, so I’ll relax on that. But the one I do resist, the one I keep resisting, is when they look at an old guy, and they say, look at him, Dan, he’s 90 years young. Imagine the fear of aging that reveals, to not even be able to use the word old to describe someone, to have to use an antonym. And fear of aging is natural, it’s universal isn’t it. We all have that. No one wants to get old, no one wants to die, but we do. So we bullshit ourselves. I started bullshitting myself when I got to my 40’s. Soon as I was in my 40’s I’d look in the mirror and I’d say, well, I guess I’m getting older. Older sounds a little better than old, doesn’t it. Sounds like it might even last a little longer. Bullshit, I’m getting old, and it’s okay, because thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll pass away. Or I’ll expire like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital, they’ll call it a terminal episode. The insurance company will refer to it as negative patient care outcome, and if it’s the result of malpractice, they’ll say it was a therapeutic misadventure. I’m telling you, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit, makes me want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill. Thank you all. Give me a little light for Moe. Moe says hello. | So you want to talk about it? Oh yeah. It all started in 1977. I mean, that’s when I started doing it regularly. How many times have you done it? Six times. I’ve done it six times. Why do you do it? I don’t know. It’s like I can’t help myself. What does your family think? Thank God my family doesn’t know. But how’d you get caught? They were taping me. Taping you? Yeah. Every time I did it, they had a tape running. Jumbo shrimp, those words don’t even go together, man. That’s like military intelligence, they have that, too. How did they do that? That’s what they tell you, get on the plane, get on the plane. Fuck you, I’m getting in the plane. I wonder a lot of things, but that’s my job. My job is thinking up goofy shit. Al Sleet here, your hippie dippie weather man with all the hippie dippie weather, man. Got into an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard Snap, Crackle, fuck him. Have a nice day. And the original list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother fucker and tits. This was all I could think of in one sitting. That’s all your house is, is a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. But here’s a little cheer, a lot of people like it, it goes like this, rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat. 69 assholes tied in a knot. Hurrah, lizard shit. Fuck. I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five 2s. Does it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns, and they’re going to keep the fucking real ones. Thank you, thank you very much. Welcome to our show. Don’t you think it’s just a little bit strange that Ronald Reagan had an operation on his asshole and George Bush had an operation on his middle finger, huh? Huh? What are these two men trying to tell us? Now I’d like to begin tonight with an opening announcement. Because of the FCC, I’m never sure what it is I’m allowed to say, So. So I now have my own official policy. This is the language you will not be hearing tonight. You will not hear me say, bottom line, game plan, role model, scenario, or hopefully. I will not kick back, mellow out, or be on a roll. I will not go for it, and I will not check it out. I don’t even know what it is. And when I leave here, I definitely will not boogie. I promise not to refer to anyone as a class act, a beautiful person, or a happy camper. I will also not be saying, what a guy. And you will not hear me refer to anyone’s lifestyle. If you want to know what a moronic word “lifestyle” is, all you have to do is realize that in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an active, outdoor lifestyle. I will also not be saying any cute things, like moi, and I will not use the French adverb très to modify any English adjectives, such as très awesome, très narly, très fabut, très intense, or très out of sight. I will not say concept when I mean idea. I will not say impacted when I mean effected. There will be no hands on state of the art networking. We will not maximize, prioritize or finalize, and we definitely will not interface. There will also… There will also be no new age lingo spoken here tonight, no support group jargon from the human potential movement. For instance, I will not share anything with you. I will not relate to you, and you will not identify with me. I will give you no input, and I will expect no feedback. This will not be a learning experience, nor will it be a growth period. There’ll be no sharing, no caring, no birthing, no bonding, no parenting, no nurturing. We will not establish a relationship, we will not have any meaningful dialogue, and we definitely will not spend any quality time. We will not be supportive of one another so that we can get in touch with our feelings in order to feel good about ourselves. And if you’re one of those people who needs a little space, please, go the fuck outside! We will, we will, however, be talking about those little moments that seem to last forever. Have you ever been in a serious social situation when you suddenly realize you have to pull the underwear out of the crack in your ass? Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? Huh? Who, her? Oh, hell yeah. Well, it’s one of life’s little moments, isn’t it? It’s one of those little moments you have to deal with at the time. You can’t postpone that. You can’t put that off and be walking around like this. You’ve got to get in there and clear that thing out. You’ve got to rescue your underwear. There’s a letter in your mailbox. That’s right. And you have to rectify that situation so that you can move along to your next embarrassing moment, which is probably scheduled immediately. That’s the way life is, full of those little moments. Everybody knows them, everybody recognizes them. You ever been at a really loud party, I mean, a good loud party where the music is playing too loud and everybody is talking too loudly, and in order to be heard even by the person standing right next to you, you’ve got to be screaming at the top of your lungs. But every now and then at a party, it seems as though everyone shuts up at the same time. And only your voice, can be heard. Right, I know. I know. Well, what I’m going to do, I’m going to have my testicles laminated. Life’s little moments. You ever been talking to someone and you laugh through your nose and blow a snot on your shirt. And you have to just kind of keep talking, you know, and make believe it’s part of the design. Works all right if you’re wearing a Hawaiian shirt, but otherwise they’re going to notice. Ed, you got a big snot on your shirt. Some guys are really cruel, you know. And some of these things are not even your fault. These little things that happen, you didn’t cause the situation, a lot of time you’re the victim. You walk into some situation, and suddenly you’re the one who’s taking all the heat. Not your fault. Give you an example of the kind of thing I mean. Did you ever meet somebody and you go to shake the guy’s hand and you suddenly realize he doesn’t have a complete hand? And you got to make believe it feels great, Right, you can’t go ahhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh! You can’t do that. It’s not even an option. You got to hang in there and say hi, hey, swell hand. Give me three. Hi 3, yo! Not your fault. You didn’t cause that. You weren’t even there when it happened to the guy. You were probably out walking your dog, which is what I’m usually doing, walking my dog. Because I love my dog. I love all my dogs. I love every dog I ever had. I remember them all, and I love every one of them, still love all my dogs. And I’ve had me a lot of God damn dogs. In my lifetime I have had me a bunch of different dogs. Because you do keep getting a new dog, don’t you? You just keep getting one dog after another. That’s the whole secret of life. Life is a series of dogs. It’s true, you just keep getting a new dog, don’t you? That’s what’s good about them, they don’t live too long. And you can go get a new God damn dog. Sometimes you can get a dog looks exactly like the dog you used to have, right? You shop around a little bit, you can find a dog identical to your former dog. And that’s real handy because you don’t have to change the pictures on your mirror or anything, right? You just bring the dead one into the pet shop, throw him up on the counter, say give me another one of them. That was real good. And they’ll give you a carbon copy of your ex-God damn dog. Now, my favorite dog that I ever had in my whole lifetime was Tippie. Tippie was a good dog. Some of you remember, I’ve talked about Tippie. Tippie was a good dog. Tippie was a mixed terrier. You know that word mixed that the veterinarian puts on the form when even he don’t know what the fuck you got. You bring in a little mixed puppy to a veterinarian and say, what is it? He’ll say, well, it’s definitely not a monkey. Tippie was actually part Dodge Dart. Poor Tippie was full of guilt, so much so in fact she’s the only dog I ever had who committed suicide. Yeah, well, we don’t say it like that around the house. We say she put herself to sleep. But she ran out in front of a milk truck. That’s fucking suicide. But that was her decision. That’s what Tippie wanted to do. And that’s the way it is in our family, if you want to commit suicide, we back you up. So we supported Tippie in her little suicide decision, then we brought her into the pet shop, threw her up on the counter, and said, give us something bigger. We’re trading up. We was looking for a bigger God damn dog. Because Tippie had been teenie, even before the truck came by. The truck had made her teenier, wider, but teenier. And we was looking for a bigger God damn dog. Not too big, you know, I don’t like a dog who’s bigger than I am. It’s bad enough looking for shit in one direction without having to duck flying turds as well. A good rule of thumb is keep the dog’s asshole below eye level. So we compromised, and we got us a mid-sized dog, knee high, just about like this size here, best size you can own, by the way. Most people know, this is the ideal size dog to have. You know why, anybody comes to visit you, the first thing that dog does is take his nose and put it right in their crotch. Oohh, oohh, he smells my dog. No, Marge, I don’t believe that’s the animal he has in mind. And people get embarrassed by that, especially the owner of the dog. The owner’s the one who’s saying stop that, stop that, will you stop that now, stop it. I’m awfully sorry about this. Not me, I say, get in there and get some of that. Get in there and sniff that thing out, go on. Listen, would you mind spreading your legs a little bit so he can get right in there? Yeah, stand like this for a little while, would you? Okay, looking good now. So how’s your mom and dad doing, anyway? Well, God bless them, it’s a wonderful couple. Go around the back, check it out in the back. Sniff that other thing in the back there. What’s that? Well, there’s two different smells he likes, what can I tell you. Don’t pay him no attention, he’ll be finished in just about half an hour. So listen, Reverend, it’s real nice of you to come and call on us like this. Every one of us is always glad to see you around here, especially that God damn dog. Those dogs are great, they’ll break the ice when a new neighbor comes to call. Hi, we’re the Johnsons. What’s his name? Ball Sniffer. He’s a crotch hound. Let me know if you want to get circumcised, he’s on duty till 5:00 o’clock. Dogs are a constant source of entertainment. Did you ever have a dog that ate cat turds? Some of them do, some of you must know that? Did you ever have a dog eat cat turds? Yeah. Of course you got to have a cat, you know. You can’t be buying cat turds at the supermarket. But it’s true, some dogs will eat cat turds, yeah. Don’t let them lick you that day. Get a bottle of Listerine for him. Try to make him gargle. Pour it down his throat and tell him to howl. Come on, howl, howl, God damn it. Stomp on his tail. Howl, I said, God damn it, howl. Oh, dogs are a lot of fun. Did you ever have a dog that ate a bunch of colored balloons and then he takes a shit and it’s real decorative like? Or sometimes at Christmas they’ll eat some tinsel and take a shiny shit. Wow, look, mom, can we hang it on the tree? Well, it is considered good luck in some cultures. Here’s a little household hint for you. This will help you clean up after your dogs. Feed your dog a lot of rubber bands. Put a lot of rubber bands in with his regular food, then when he takes a shit, there’s usually a little loop in the end of it. You just pick it up by the loop, do you know what I mean? Throw it in the neighbor’s yard. Yeah. That’s why I travel around, give these little household hints. Bet you never read that one in Heloise, huh? Yeah, about time for me to get a little drink of water. Figure this stuff is safe to drink. Huh? Actually, I don’t care if it’s safe or not, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I’m an American, and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. That’s right. I’m a loyal American, and I’m not happy unless I’ve let government and industry poison me a little bit every day. Let me have a few hundred thousand carcinogens here. Ah. A little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer, I think. It’s good for you, keeps you on your toes. Besides, I ain’t afraid of cancer, I had broccoli for lunch. Broccoli kills cancer. A lot of people don’t know that, it’s not out yet. It’s true, you find out you got some cancer, get yourself a fucking bowl of broccoli, that’ll wipe it right out in a day or two. Cauliflower, too. Cauliflower kills the really big cancers, the ones you can see through clothing from across the street. Broccoli kills the little ones, the ones that are slowly eating you away from inside, while your God damn goofy half-educated doctor keeps telling you, you’re doing fine, Jim. In fact, bring your doctor a bowel of broccoli, he’s probably got cancer, too, probably picked it up from you. They don’t know what they’re doing, it’s all guesswork in a white coat. Here, let me have a few more sips of industrial waste. Ah, maybe, maybe I can turn them cancers against one another. That’s what you got to hope for, you know, that you get more than one cancer so they eat each other up instead of you. In fact, the way I look at it, the most cancer you got, the healthier you are. Well, I know, some people don’t like you to talk about those things, I know that. Some people don’t like you to mention certain things. Some people don’t want you to say this, some people don’t want you to say that. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. Some people are really fucking stupid. Did you ever notice that, how many really stupid people you run into during the day? God damn, there’s a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Carry a little pad and pencil with you, you wind up with 30 or 40 names by the end of the day. Look at it this way. Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that. And it doesn’t take you very long to spot one of them, does it. Take you about eight seconds. You’ll be listening to some guy, and say, this guy is fucking stupid. Then, then there are some people, they’re not stupid. They’re full of shit. Huh, that doesn’t take very long to spot, either, does it. Take you about the same amount of time. You’ll be listening to some guy, saying, well, he’s fairly intelligent. Ah, he’s full of shit. Then there are some people, they’re not stupid, they’re not full of shit, they’re fucking nuts. Dan Quayle is all three, all three, stupid, full of shit, and fucking nuts. And where did he get that wife of his? Have you taken a good look at that Marilyn Quayle? Where did he get her, at a Halloween party or something? She looks like Prince Charles, for Christ’s sake. Let me ask you something, does he actually have to fuck that woman? Huh? God help him, I wouldn’t fuck her with a stolen dick. That’s my political humor. People like it when you’re topical. Oh, some people don’t like you to talk like that. Oh, some people would like to shut you up for saying those things. You know that, lots of people, lots of groups in this country want to tell you how to talk, tell you what you can’t talk about. Sometimes they’ll say, well, you can talk about something, but you can’t joke about it. Say you can’t joke about it because it’s not funny. Comedians run into that shit all the time, like rape. They’ll say, you can’t joke about rape. Rape’s not funny. I say, fuck you, I think it’s hilarious, how do you like that? I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd. See? Hey, why do you think they call him Porky, huh? I know what you’re going to say, Elmer was asking for it. Elmer was coming on to Porky. Porky couldn’t help himself, he got a hard-on, he got horny, he lost control, he went out of his mind. Lot of men talk like that, lot of men think that way. They think it’s the woman’s fault. They like to blame the rape on the woman, say, hey, she had it coming, she was wearing a short skirt. These guys think women ought to go to prison for being cock teasers. Don’t seem fair to me, don’t seem right, but you can joke about it. I believe you can joke about anything. It all depends on how you construct the joke, what the exaggeration is, what the exaggeration is. Because every joke needs one exaggeration, every joke needs one thing to be way out of proportion. Give you an example. Did you ever see a news story like this is the paper? Every now and then you run into a story that says, some guy broke into a house, stole a lot of things, and while he was in there, he raped an 81-year old woman. And I’m thinking to myself, why? What the fuck kind of a social life does this guy have? I want to say, why did you do that? Well, she was coming on to me. We were dancing, and I got horny. Hey, she was asking for it. She had on a tight bathrobe. I say, Jesus Christ, be a little fucking selective next time, will you? Now, speaking of rape. You know what I wonder? I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the North Pole? These are the kind of things I think about when I’m sitting home alone and the power goes out. I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the North Pole. I mean, per capita. I know the populations are different. Most people think it’s the equator. I think it’s the North Pole. People think it’s the equator because it’s hot down there, they don’t wear a lot of clothing, guys can see women’s tits, they get horny, and there’s a lot of fucking going on. That’s exactly why there’s less rape at the equator, because there’s a lot of fucking going on. You can tell there’s a lot of fucking at the equator, take a look at the population figures. Billions of people life near the equator. How many Eskimos we got, 30, 35? No one’s getting laid at the North Pole, it’s too fucking cold. Guys say to their wives, hey, tonight honey, huh, tonight, huh? Are you crazy, the wind chill factor is 300 below. These guys are deprived, they’re horny, they’re pent up. Every now and then, they bust out, they got to rape somebody. Now, the biggest problem an Eskimo rapist has, trying to get wet leather leggings off a woman who’s kicking. Did you ever try to get leather pants off of someone who doesn’t want to take them off? You would lose your hard on in the process. Up at the North Pole, your dick would shrivel up like a stack of dimes. That’s another thing I wonder. I wonder, does a rapist have a hard on when he leaves the house in the morning, or does he develop it during the day when he’s walking around looking for somebody? These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools. Now I probably got the feminists all pissed off at me because I’m joking about rape. Feminists want to control your language. Feminists want to tell you how to talk. And they’re not alone, they’re not alone, I’m not picking on the feminists, they got a lot of company in this country. There’s a lot of groups, lot of institutions in this country want to control your language, tell you what you can say and what you can’t say. Government wants to tell you some things you can’t say because they’re against the law. Or you can’t say this because it’s against a regulation. Or here’s something you can’t say because it’s a secret. You can’t tell him that because he’s not cleared to know that. Government wants to control information and control language because that’s the way you control thought. And basically that’s the game they’re in. Same with religion. Religion is nothing but mind control. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they’re going to tell you some things you shouldn’t say because they’re sins. And besides telling you things you shouldn’t say, religion’s going to suggest to you some things you ought to be saying. Here’s something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning. Here’s something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night. Here’s something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in Spring at 4:00 when the bells ring. Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying, same with political groups of all kinds, political activists, anti-biased groups, special interest groups are going to suggest the correct political vocabulary, the way you ought to be saying things, and that’s where the feminists come in. Now, as I said, I got nothing against the feminists. In fact, I happen to agree with most of the feminist philosophy I have read. I agree for instance that for the most part, men are vain, ignorant, greedy, brutal assholes who’ve just about ruined this planet… Who’ve just about ruined this planet because they’re afraid someone might have a bigger dick out there somewhere. Men are basically insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they go to war over it. You don’t have to be a political scientist or a history major to see the bigger dick foreign policy theory at work. It goes something like this, what, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them. And of course, the bombs and the bullets and the rockets are all shaped like dicks. I don’t understand that part of it, but it is part of the equation. So I agree with that abstract, that man, men, males, have pushed the technology that just about has this planet in a stranglehold. Mother Earth, raped again, guess who? Eh, she was asking for it. I also happen to like it when feminists attack these fat ass housewives who think there’s nothing more to life than sitting home on the telephone drinking coffee, watching TV and pumping out a baby every nine months. Ba boom, ba boom, ba boom, ba boom, ba boom. Will seven be enough, Bob? Ba boom, ba boom. But what’s the alternative? What’s the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? Pointless careerism? Putting on a man tailored suit with shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? This is the noblest thing that women can think of, to take a job in a criminal corporation that’s poisoning the environment and robbing customers out of their money? This is the worthiest thing they can think of? Isn’t there something nobler they can do to be helping this planet heal? You don’t hear much about that from these middle class women. I’ve noticed that most of these feminists are white, middle class women, they don’t give a shit about black women’s problems, they don’t care about Latino women. All they’re interested in is their own reproductive freedom and their pocketbooks. But when it comes to changing the language, I think they make some good points, because we do think in language. And so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language. So maybe some of this patriarchal shit ought to go away. I think spokesmen ought to be spokesperson. I think chairman ought to be chairperson. I think mankind ought to be humankind. But they take it too far. They take themselves too seriously. The exaggerate. They want me to call that thing in the street a person hole cover. I think that’s taking it a little bit too far. What would you call a lady’s man, a person’s person? That would make a he-man an it person. Little kids would be afraid of the boogie person. They’d look up in the sky and see the person in the moon. Guys would say come back here and fight like a person, and we’d all sing, For It’s a Jolly Good Person. That’s the kind of thing you would hear on Late Night with David Letterperson. You know what I mean? So I think it’s an exaggeration, and I like to piss off any group that takes itself a little bit too seriously, and it does not take a lot of imagination to piss off a feminist. All you got to do is run into N.O.W. Headquarters or Ms. Magazine and say, Hey, which one of you cute little cupcakes wants to come home and cook me a nice meal and give me a blow job? Blow job. Oh, that pisses them off. You want to piss off a feminist, call her a cum catcher, that’ll get her attention. Ah, don’t act disgusted, don’t act disgusted, half of you are going to go home and go down on each other tonight, remember? If you’re willing to swallow cum, let’s not make believe something I said was disgusting, okay? All right. Let’s not have a double standard here, one standard will do just fine. Now, speaking of blowjobs. Do you know why they call it a blowjob? So it’ll sound like it has kind of a work ethic attached to it. Make you feel like you did something useful for the economy. Long as I’m being a complete pig up here, let me ask you guys a question. Let me ask one question of the men. Are you ever able to watch a woman eating a banana and not think about a blowjob, huh? I can’t do it. I can’t do it, and I know why, I’m a sick evil fuck, I know that. I accept that. But I can’t do it. Eating a banana, eating a pickle, licking on an ice cream cone. I’m saying to myself, look at the tongue on her, wow. So you women be careful when you’re standing out in front of that Hagen Daas, because God damn it, we’re watching. And God damn it, we’re thinking. Another woman’s issue, prostitution. I do not understand why prostitution is illegal. Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling is legal, fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away? I can’t follow the logic on that at all. Of all the things you can do too a person, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the Army, they give you a medal for spraying Napalm on people. Civilian life, you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm. Maybe I’m not supposed to understand it. I got strange ideas anyway. You know what I think they ought to do with that Miss American contest? I think they ought to make the losers keep coming back until they win. I’ll tell you. That would get a little spooky after about 35 years or so, huh? I just want to work on world peace. Fine, sit down before you fall down, will you? And pick up all these Goddamn batons. I got a lot of ideas. You know what I think? I think Kleenex ought to have little targets on them. Wouldn’t that be a good idea, little bulls eyes right in the middle of the Kleenex, make it kind of sporting when you’re with your friends. (Blowing nose sound) Look Dave, an 85. That’s a good idea. I got a lot of good ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. I got a lot of good ideas for new products like that. That’s what I think about on my off duty hours, things we need, products we ought to have that we don’t have. You know what we ought to have, we ought to have a diet salad dressing called 500 Islands. See, good God damn ideas, like that, huh? A Christian deodorant, Thou Shalt Not Smell. How about a feminine hygiene spray called Sprunt. Huh? Well, you’d never forget the name, would you? It would always be on the tip of your tongue, see? Marketing, marketing, that’s where I belong, among other places. Marketing. Here’s an idea I got. This is a yo-yo with a 2,000-foot string. You use it when you visit the Grand Canyon. See, I’m a visionary, I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead. Here’s a good idea, a light bulb that only shines on things worth looking at. Yeah, kind of too idealistic, never make any money on a thing like that. Here’s something that’s going to make you a fortune, get in on this. This is a roach spray, it doesn’t kill the roaches, but it fills them with self-doubt as to whether or not they’re in the right house. Yeah. Here’s something I’m trying to interest the Japanese electronics firms in this. This would be a great product for Sony. This is a combination cassette player and colostomy bag. It’s called Shitman. Huh? Sure. Well, you never see that. You never see that. You never see a guy jogging down the street, listening to a Shitman. No, that’s one of those things you never see. There’s a lot of things you never see. And you don’t know you don’t see them because you don’t see them. You got to see something first to know you never saw it, then you see it and say, hey I never saw that. Too late, you just saw it. I know things you never see. You never see a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says, shit happens. You never see a really big tall, fat Chinese guy with red hair. You never see a wheelchair with the roll bar. You never see someone taking a shit while running at full speed. And you never see a picture of Margaret Thatcher strapping on a dildo. You’ll never see it. That’s one of those things you never see. Then there are some things you never hear, that makes sense. Some things you never hear. You never hear this, Dad, you really ought to drink more. Here’s something you don’t hear too often Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone. Here is something no one has ever heard, ever, ever. As soon as I put this hot poker in my ass, I’m going to chop my dick off. You know why you never heard that? Right, no one ever said that. Which to me is the more amazing thing, no one ever thought to say that before tonight. I’m the first person in the world to put those words together in that particular order. First guy, number one. Here’s something you don’t hear too often, Honey, let’s sell the children, move to Zanzibar and begin taking opium rectally. Mom? Mom, I got a big date tonight, can I borrow a French tickler from you? Then there are some things you don’t want to hear. Some things you just flat don’t want to hear. You don’t want to come home from work and hear, honey, remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks? You don’t want to be sitting in your doctor’s office and hear this. Well, Jim, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t live another 20 to 30 years. However, you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes. Here’s something I don’t want to hear, I’m pregnant, you’re the father, and I’m going to kill all three of us. Calm down, have some dip. Honey, it’s the police. They have a search warrant, and the 300 kilos of cocaine are still sitting out in the living room. Here’s something nobody wants to hear, nobody wants to hear this. Try to think back to when this was appropriate to your life. You and your fiancé have been invited to your mom and dad’s house for dinner for the first time. Halfway through dinner, your fiancé stands up and says, I’ll be right back. I got to take a dump. There seems to be no really gentile way of announcing publicly a dump. And frankly, I’m not impressed with people who tell me what they’re going to do when they go to the bathroom in the first place. Doesn’t it bother you, people that announce it, I’ll be right back, I’m going to take a shit. Never mind. Do what you have to do and leave me out of it, and don’t describe it when you come back. Boy, you should have seen… Never mind. It set off the smoke alarm. Never mind. I have never understood that, nor have a cared for it. Something else I don’t care for, these organ donor programs. That shit bother you a little bit? Sounds like Josef Mengele’s been sitting on some of those meetings or something? Organ donor programs. The thing that bothers me the most about it is they’re run by the Motor Vehicle Bureau. I figure, hey, shit, you got to wait on a line that long for a kidney, fuck it, do without. It’s the Motor Vehicle Bureau in most states who send you the little card you’re supposed to carry right next to your wallet, right next to your driver’s license, in your wallet, little card. You’re supposed to fill it out and on it you’re supposed to list the organs you’re willing to give in case you die. Are these people out of their fucking minds or something? Do you honestly believe that if a paramedic finds that card on you in an automobile accident, he’s going to try to save your life? Bullshit, he’s looking for parts, man. Absolutely. Look, Dan, here’s that lower intestine we’ve been looking for. Never mind the oxygen, this man’s a donor. Bullshit, they want something of mine, they can have my rectum and my anus, that’s all I’m giving, take them and get out of here. Put them in your bag and get the fuck out of my life, that’s all I’m giving. I don’t want some guy poking around in me, hoping I die. I want to live. I don’t want to die. That’s the whole secret of life, not dying. I figured that shit out alone in third grade. And don’t be pulling any plugs on me, either. Here’s another bunch of macho asshole bullshit floating around this country, people talking about ah, pull the plug on me. If I’m ever like that, if I’m comatose, if I’m like a vegetable, pull the plug on me. Fuck you, leave my plug alone. Get an extension cord for my plug. I want everything you got, tubes, cords, plugs, probes, electrodes, IV’s, you got something, stick it in me, man. You find out I got a hole I didn’t know I had, put a fucking plug in it. Vegetable, shit, I don’t care if I look like an artichoke. Save my ass. There’s three things I want if I’m ever in that condition, three things I got to have, ice cream, morphine and television. You give me that ice cream every two hours, give me that morphine about… every ten minutes, and turn on the fucking TV. I want to see Geraldo. And don’t be coming to visit me, I got no time for life people, I’m brain dead here. You people got no respect for the brain dead? Hey, you got to be brain dead to watch Geraldo in the first place. You might as well watch him when you’re clinically brain dead. There’s one other thing I thought about concerning this comatose thing, and this might help you someday. This little piece of information might come in handy sometime in the future if you’re in this circumstance. If you knew a family, if you knew a family and one of them was a homosexual and he was in an automobile accident and he was comatose, you could always comfort that family by saying, well, look at it this way, he was a fruit, now he’s a vegetable. Listen, at least he’s still in the produce section. Now I probably got some other group pissed off at me because I said fruit. There’s a different group to get pissed off at you in this country for everything you’re not supposed to say. Can’t say fruit, can’t say faggot, can’t say queer, can’t say Nancy boy, can’t say pansy. Can’t say n*gger, boogie, jig, jiggaboo, skinhead, jungle bunny, moolie, moolie yan or schwarz. Can’t say yid, heeb, zeeb, kike, mackie, dego, ginny, wop, ginzo, greaser, greaseball, spick, beaner, oya, tiger, PR, Mick, donkey, turkey, limey, frog, squarehead, kraut, jerry, Hun, chink, jap, nip, slope, slopehead, zip, zipper head, gook. There is absolutely nothing wrong… There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those words in and of themselves. They’re only words. It’s the context that counts. It’s the user. It’s the intention behind the words that makes them good or bad. The words are completely neutral the words are innocent. I get tired of people talking about bad words and bad language. Bullshit. It’s the context that makes them good or bad, the context that makes them good or bad. For instance, you take the word n*gger. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the word n*gger in and of itself. It’s the racist asshole that’s using it that you ought to be concerned about. We don’t care when Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy says it. Why? Because we know they’re not racists. They’re n*ggers. Context. Context. We don’t mind their context because we know they’re black. Hey, I know I’m Whitey, the blue-eyed devil patio, fake gray boy, honkie, motherfucker myself. Don’t bother my ass. They’re only words. You can’t be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it’s an unpleasant truth like the fact that there’s a bigot and a racist in every living room on every street corner in this country. I don’t like words that hide the truth. I don’t like words that conceal reality. I don’t like euphemisms or euphemistic language. And American English is loaded with euphemisms, because Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality. Americans have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a soft language to protect themselves from it. And it gets worse with every generation. For some reason it just keeps getting worse. I’ll give you an example of that. There’s a condition in combat, most people know about it. It’s when a fighting person’s nervous system has been stressed to its absolute peak and maximum, can’t take any more input. The nervous system has either snapped or is about to snap. In the First World War that condition was called shell shock. Simple, honest, direct language, two syllables. Shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves. That was 70 years ago. Then a whole generation went by, and the Second World War came along and the very same combat condition was called battle fatigue. Four syllables now, it takes a little longer to say, doesn’t seem to hurt as much. Fatigue is a nicer word than shock. Shell shock, battle fatigue. Then we had the war in Korea in 1950, Madison Avenue was riding high by that time, and the very same combat condition was called Operational Exhaustion. Hey, we’re up to eight syllables now, and the humanity has been squeezed completely out of the phrase, it’s totally sterile now. Operational Exhaustion. Sounds like something that might happen to your car. Then of course came the war in Viet Nam, which has only been over for about 16 or 17 years. And thanks to the lies and deceits surrounding that war, I guess it’s no surprise that the very same condition was called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Still eight syllables, but we’ve added a hyphen, and the pain is completely buried under jargon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I bet you if we’d have still been calling it shell shock, some of them Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. But it didn’t happen, and one of the reasons is because we were using that soft language, that language that takes the life out of life. And it is a function of time, it does keep getting worse, give you another example. Sometime during my life, sometime during my life toilet paper became bathroom tissue. I wasn’t notified of this, no one asked me if I agreed with it. It just happened. Toilet paper became bathroom tissue. Sneakers became running shoes. False teeth became dental appliances. Medicine became medication. Information became directory assistance. The dump became the landfill. Car crashes became automobile accidents. Partly cloudy became partly sunny. Motels became motor lodges. House trailers became mobile homes. Used cars became previously owned transportation. Room service became guest room dining. And constipation became occasional irregularity. When I was a little kid, if I got sick they wanted me to go to the hospital and see the doctor. Now they want me to go to a health maintenance organization, or a wellness center to consult a healthcare delivery professional. Poor people used to live in slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupies substandard housing in the inner cities. And they’re broke. They’re broke. They don’t have a negative cash flow position, they’re fucking broke. Because a lot of them were fired. You know, fired, management wanted to curtail redundancies in the human resources area, so many people are no longer viable members of the workforce. Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins, it’s as simple as that. The CIA doesn’t kill anybody any more. They neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation and something they call Sunshine Units. Israeli murderers are called Commandos. Arab Commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called Freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do Freedom Fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they? Never mention that part of it. Some of this stuff is just silly, we all know that. Like on the airlines, they say they want to pre board. Well, what the hell is pre board, what does that mean? To get on before you get on? They say they’re going to pre board those passengers in need of special assistance. Cripples. Simple, honest, direct language. There’s no shame attached to the word cripple that I can find in any dictionary, no shame attached to it. In fact it’s a word used in Bible translations, Jesus healed the cripples. Doesn’t take seven words to describe that condition. But we don’t have any cripples in this country any more. We have the physically challenged. Is that a grotesque enough evasion for you? How about differently abled? I’ve heard them called that, differently abled. You can’t even call these people handicapped anymore. They’ll say, we’re not handicapped, we’re handy capable. These poor people have been bullshitted by the system into believing that if you change the name of the condition, somehow you’ll change the condition. Well, hey cousin doesn’t happen. Doesn’t happen. We have no more deaf people in this country, hearing impaired. No one’s blind any more, partially sighted or visually impaired. We have no more stupid people. Everybody has a learning disorder, or he’s minimally exceptional. How would you like to be told that about your child, he’s minimally exceptional. Oh, thank God for that. Psychologists actually have started calling ugly people those with severe appearance deficits. It’s getting so bad that any day now I expect to hear a rape victim referred to as an unwilling sperm recipient. And we have no more old people in this country, no more old people. We shipped them all away, and we brought in these senior citizens. Isn’t that a typically American 20th Century phrase? Bloodless, lifeless. No pulse in one of them. A senior citizen. And I’ve accepted that one, I’ve come to terms with it, I know it’s here to stay. We’ll never get rid of it, that’s what they’re going to be called, so I’ll relax on that. But the one I do resist, the one I keep resisting, is when they look at an old guy, and they say, look at him, Dan, he’s 90 years young. Imagine the fear of aging that reveals, to not even be able to use the word old to describe someone, to have to use an antonym. And fear of aging is natural, it’s universal isn’t it. We all have that. No one wants to get old, no one wants to die, but we do. So we bullshit ourselves. I started bullshitting myself when I got to my 40’s. Soon as I was in my 40’s I’d look in the mirror and I’d say, well, I guess I’m getting older. Older sounds a little better than old, doesn’t it. Sounds like it might even last a little longer. Bullshit, I’m getting old, and it’s okay, because thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll pass away. Or I’ll expire like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital, they’ll call it a terminal episode. The insurance company will refer to it as negative patient care outcome, and if it’s the result of malpractice, they’ll say it was a therapeutic misadventure. I’m telling you, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit, makes me want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill. Thank you all. Give me a little light for Moe. Moe says hello. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-attell-road-work-transcript/ | DAVE ATTELL: ROAD WORK (2014) – Full Transcript | dave attell | [Cheers and applause] – you guys ready to meet your headline act? Let me hear you. [Cheers and applause] – holy. – Come on, people, a little noise here. [Cheers and applause] your headliner, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the best comics in the entire business. Please give me a warm, loud round of applause for the one and only Dave Attell, everybody. [Cheers and applause] clap your hands, everybody, for Dave Attell. Here he comes, everybody, Dave Attell, everybody. Come on, people. Clap it up for Dave Attell. Clap your hands. Dave Attell, everybody. Dave Attell. [Cheers and applause] – Thank you very much. Vinnie Brand, everybody. Give him a hand. Thank you so much. It’s great to be here at the stress factory in New Jersey. Nice. And, uh, I need a cameraman, ’cause I’m broke. So who’s gonna help me out here? Miss, do you wanna do the camerawork? – Sure. – Okay, there you go. All right, I love it. And how about you, dude, everything good? There we go. Not that we don’t trust you. We have another guy taping you. All right, this is like— this is like North Korea, I love it. What’s your story? We should know a little bit about the people behind the scenes here. What do you do? – I was a hairdresser. – Oh, here we go, all right. [Laughter] Oh, look, you’re already doing your own sex tape. Can you wait? A camera goes on, she gets wet. Is that what it is here? I mean— here, here, here. Whoa. Wow. I was doing a show one time at this club, okay, right up front, a 12-year-old boy. Now what kind of parents—Cuban— bring a kid like that to see this filthy humor? Ridiculous. Good kid. Now he’s playing for the Mets. Anyway—what? I give it to you guys. It’s hard to watch me do my old shitty act in front of the world’s last phone or something. I mean, it’s not my fault Thomas Edison is from this town, and we all have to worship his magical device. Isn’t it amazing how phones used to be this big? Look at that, right? Everything’s smaller now: phones, dogs, dicks. They’ve all gotten tinier, but they do more. These jokes aren’t gonna be all this clean, all right? It’s gonna be a filthy dirty mess of a show. It really is. [Cheers and applause] I know, some of you are into it, some of you aren’t. My dad used to beat me when I was a kid. And he’d always go, “Dave, “I really don’t wanna hit you, but this is the only thing that gets me hard.” And you know what? Hey. Come on, it’s a joke. You know I don’t know who my dad is. I have no idea. I was raised in a carnival. Keep it up here, all right? Just on the punch lines, just—yeah, like— here’s something you rarely get to see, a gangbanger eating some strawberry shortcake. This is, like— is this a comedy club or a Denny’s in two hours? What’s going on here? I love a filthy pedophile joke with a little piece of strawberry shortcake. All right, ’cause I am evil. [Laughter] you wanna switch? See, look, there’s not much room on the stage here. This is great. This is like an MMA fight between two nerds. This is great. Ever do a bunch of mushrooms, think you’re having a pillow fight, but it turns out to be a live baby? Has that ever happened to anybody? All right. Just feeling the crowd out. Seeing who’s who here. Hello? Oh. Sorry. My career called, it’s dead. Um, sorry. Let’s go back to the women here. There’s a lot of hot women here. All right, yeah. Where are the single women? None, there’s no single women anymore. I don’t blame ’em. I like when a woman’s on top. ‘Cause when a woman’s on top, you know what your job is? Not to die. That’s all you have to do, just lay there. And you get a chance to weigh her. Yeah. Fuck all of you, that’s funny. Now—I’m not gonna wait for you guys anymore. I like when a woman’s on top. They call it cowgirl style. Yeah, some girls wear a cowboy hat as they’re doing that. That’s a little too much. A cowgirl hat during cowgirl sex is like a turban on a plane. It is totally— [chuckles] it’s legal, but I’m not sleeping on that flight. I’m not. I got one eye on you, zero dark thirty. Yeah. [Chuckles] how about reverse cowgirl? That’s when they’re facing away. Have you—yeah, I don’t know who invented that, but they were ugly. Yeah, like, “hey, I’ll bang ya, “I just don’t wanna look at ya. I mean—” you gotta believe in yourself as a dude, when your woman does that. Because, you know, it does look like she’s getting up to leave. It really does look like, “hey. If you’re gonna go, bring back something to eat.” So— [laughter] I watch all these reality shows. I guess my favorite would be this one called, uh, the pit boss. It’s about a little guy. His name is shorty. And, uh, he’s— you know, he’s a midget. [Under breath] all right, he’s a midget. All right. Don’t worry, there’s no midgets here, all right? It doesn’t smell like cinnamon and, you know, confetti or nothing magical. It’s just—you know. It’s cool, all right? Anyway, he goes to jail for, like, ten years. He’s a little guy, okay. I don’t know what that is in midget years. I guess maybe, like, 150,000 million years. I don’t know. I was homeschooled. Gets out of jail, and now he rescues pit bulls. Which I think he thinks are horses. I’m not exactly sure. Bang. That’s a joke, yeah. Hard-core. Thank you. [Laughter] I have never, ever seen a midget mail a letter. Have you guys— have you ever seen that? No. Evidently, the tall man does not want the little man communicating his recipes and spells and potions through the magical blue box. Let him mail a letter, huh. I don’t even think they should have to use stamps, which they call paintings, ’cause, you know— they should be able to kiss the envelope, and it just gets wherever it needs to go. Santa. [Laughter] you guys are cool, you’re laughing at that. I’ve done that joke with a little person in the room. They’re not that cool about it. Mostly, you know, ’cause I was drunk and I was doing this over his head. So, you know, god couldn’t hear his prayers. And, um— they don’t like the word “midget.” They don’t like “little people.” What do they wanna be called? “People,” that’s what they want. “People,” okay. If they’re people, then that bumps the rest of us up into being gods. And that’s a lot of work. [Clears throat] they should worship us, or I’ll make it light and dark in here with this magical cloud switch. It’s a light switch, for those of you who have no idea what I’m doing here. A light switch. [Laughter] to sum up, would I blow a midget? You know I would. ‘Cause I know his dick tastes like toys. So, there you have it. We’ll be right back. [Chuckles] [drumming] – and now, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for mr. Dave attell. [Cheers and applause] – keep it going for ’em, everyone. The legends of polynesia. Come on, chicopee, mass, you can do it. Excellent work. Now that’s the way to start a show. Am I right? Yeah. Now prepare to be bored to death for the next hour. Thank you, guys. All right, take it easy. – Thank you. – All right. Can you guys— really, get back in the shack, all right? Just get back in that shack. And the dude— put a bra on, all right? Really, got— it’s a family show here. Keep it going. Come on, guys. You remember that show lost. Give ’em a hand. [Cheers and applause] oh, I’m not drinking my fantastical drink. Mmm. Mm. This is like, I don’t know, getting a rim job from a unicorn. I can’t even— – you have some on your chin. – I do? – Yeah, just a little. – Well, I hope he calls me tomorrow. [Laughter] that deserves just a little one. [Faint rimshot] just a little— a little something. [Laughs] I divide my life up into two parts, before honey boo boo and after honey boo boo. Now, for those of you who don’t know who she is, I don’t even know who she is. Where did she come from? I don’t know. Did her mom deep throat a corn dog on a ferris wheel, and she popped out? She’s cute. But three years from now when she’s a mother, it’s gonna be a lot— hello? Wow. Excuse me, I’m just gonna step into a vietnam flashback for a minute. I’ll be right back. [Chuckles] it’s a hot l.z. “I need to get pulled out!” [Chuckles] too family-oriented in here. I don’t like it, I don’t like it. I expected, like, drunk dudes, you know, just fuckin’ coming here ’cause they can’t afford to go to a strip club. I mean, you know. – Take it off! – I went to a strip club. And you can always tell how good it is by the name. This one was called “the double chin.” Now that was not good. 10 Bucks to get in, 20 to get out. It was horrible. I went to one, it was a vegan strip club. Can you believe this? Vegans, yeah. I walk in, the girls are so weak, they can’t even climb the pole. They’re hanging on like koala bears. They were licking the pole for iron. It was so sad. [Laughter] one of the vegans says to me, “you should go down on a vegan, we taste better.” Oh, really? I can speak for every guy in here. As long as it doesn’t taste like balls, it’s all right, really. ‘Cause balls are disgusting, aren’t they? Wow. And they stink. Yeah, they do. All right, I’ll speak for my balls. On my best day, my balls might smell like a foot, on my best day. And the sack, ugh. The sack, growing all the time. My sack looks like a tent no one knows how to fold up. It’s just all over the place. [Laughter] and the penis is ugly, huh? Ew. That’s what they should’ve called it, “ew.” Have you ever seen a penis before and after sex? What happened? Before, it’s hard, full of jager and lies. It’s got a plan. It’s on a mission. [Laughter and cheering] it goes in, right? Three minutes, two if you’re married, it comes popping out. It’s all twisted, covered in goo, blinking or twitching. What is it doing down there? It looks like all the odd number rocky movies. Yeah, just defeated. [Laughter] thank you. My cameraman, dude. [Laughter] what the fuck? – Oh, my god! – Dude, you’re my camera guy. – Get that phone down! – If this was cnn, we would’ve missed the whole arab spring, dude. Oh, now you’re overdoing it. “Oh, look at me, I’m really trying now.” Too late! Back to the sex jokes. Sex toys. Say what you want about ’em, but there’s never been a recall. So wherever they make ’em, they’re making ’em pretty good. I think they make ’em in china, yeah. Little kids are making our sex toys. And I know it’s sick, but it does make it a little more erotic, knowing their little hands are all over ’em. Mmm. [Chuckles] [laughter] they got a double-headed dil— they got the double-headed dildo. “What kind of phone is this?” “Back to work!” What’s your favorite sex toy? Can I talk— can you get this, dude? Okay, good. Okay, so just for continuity, I’m just gonna bring this tree with me, so— [laughter] miss, what— [exhales] what’s your favorite sex toy? What do you like? – The celebrator. – The celebrator? Is he in town? Wow. [Chuckles] the celebrator— what is that? – It looks like a toothbrush. – I think you’re being fooled. That’s an oral-b that you’re putting in your hooch. [Laughter] you know what guys have now? The anywhere vagina. Have you ever seen this? – Pocket pussy? – A pocket pussy? Whoa. Is that the technical term? Okay. I call it living in my mom’s basement way too long. [All cheering] back me up on this. It’s a vagina with a sticky on the back. And you lick it, and then you put it on the wall, and then you fuck it. Okay, it’s idiot-proof. What I like to do is buy a bunch, and leave ’em on hotel walls all over the country. Kind of a johnny appleseed of filth. [Laughs, coughs] sorry, guys. That’s what smokers call breathing. Oh, what happened? Oh, no. Scott, you knocked over my drink. Get a picture of that. Somewhere a clown fell down. You can tell, ’cause anytime you spill a daiquiri— [chuckles] look at that, wow. Careful, scott. You’re gonna knock over the fake palm tree. So, since you guys love filth, I think you’re gonna appreciate this. Do you know what anal beads are? [Hushed laughter] excuse me, out front did it say, “magic show?” No, it didn’t. It said, “polynesians and filthy guy.” That’s what it said. Anal beads, what’s— what do you think is worse: more beads coming out than went in, or the missing bead? No man left behind. That’s how I was taught. It looks like a job for the rescue gerbil. Yes. That joke was— did everybody eat? I should’ve said that before that joke. Did everybody? Okay, good. – Minneapolis, acme comedy club. [Cheers and applause] yep. Wow, this is good. All right, I’m doing this on a budget, so I’m gonna need someone to help me be my cameraman. Who wants to do it? You wanna do it? – Sure. – There ya go. This guy looks great. What’s your name, sir? – Justin. – What’s it? – Justin. – Are you a fan of comedy? – Absolutely. – All right, I’m gonna change that right now. All right. Thanks for coming down, guys. It’s great to be here in minneapolis. You guys, this is the whitest town I’ve ever seen in my life. Yes. If christian mingle was a place, it would be here, right here. But you’re good people. You are the healthiest, nicest people. You’re, like, almost canadian. I really think— oh, it got a little ugly there, didn’t it, huh? Everybody here is on a bicycle. Hmm, yeah. That is queer. I mean, everybody— I saw a guy today my age on a bike. That is just weird. You see a guy, an old man, on a bike like that, you’re like, “that dude has a dui. “That guy is just a drunk. “He’s a drunk. Look at him.” I like booze. I’m a booze guy. Justin, do you like booze? Yeah, there you go. I can tell. – Just a little bit. – Just a little bit? There’s nothing wrong with it. Whiskey is a great drink. Now whiskey’s very classy and adult, till you shit your pants. But other than that, it is great. Now you think of whiskey, you think of, like, a sad old white man. Like, a guy like me in the rain, screaming the word, “whore,” at a house he used to own. “Hey, whore. “Are you enjoying that home, you whore? I built that deck!” [Laughter] women drink whiskey now too, right? Whiskey drinkers, there you go. Women drink whiskey and they always class it up with a little diet coke. Why diet coke? You’re drinking whiskey, the wildest drink known to man. Are you really counting calories while you’re drinking whiskey? “Well, I don’t know wanna look flabby “two hours from now when I’m tag-teaming truckers on a pool table.” [Laughter] “I don’t wanna look all puffy as I’m screaming the n-word at an eclipse.” All right, sorry. That one would’ve killed in idaho. So— I like to hold the door open for a woman, ’cause I think that’s very gentlemanly, yeah. But I only hold it open about this much. Yeah. And if you can’t squeeze through, “I will make pig noises till you do. “Get in there. “Get in there, hog, come on. There’s cheese in there.” [Laughter] [clears throat] I guess what I’m trying to say is I wanna have a family. Kids are great. Dogs are way better than kids, am I right? Yeah, wow. ‘Cause you can shake a dog, and not go to jail. I think that’s really good. Justin, you’re good? You can move the camera around a little bit. It’s all right. This isn’t baby’s first steps or anything like that. I want it— I want it nasty, motherfucker. [Laughter] this is a progressive state. You guys just legalized gay marriage. You did it, yeah. Give yourselves a hand, yes. [Cheers and applause] I am for gay marriage, okay? Yeah, as long as they’re both the same race, I don’t see anything wrong with it. [Laughter] no, ’cause every guy’s done something gay. We’ve all had a gay moment. I know this, ’cause I’m from the future. I know it. Whether it’s an uncle teaching you how to make a tie while you’re both not wearing pants, huh? Hey. Or just wearing a scarf. Have you ever worn a scarf? It’s a little fruity. It’s a little fruity. “Well, I gotta keep my throat warm, “just in case there’s a cock-sucking competition “on balls-on-my-chin avenue. Oops.” You good? That was excellent. That was like ice capades, synchronized. [Laughter] I do magazines. Anybody else? Yeah, magazines. ‘Cause I’m old, but I still masturbate. But I take an aspirin first. Anyway—for my heart. Did you guys know— there’s young guys here. Did you know that porn was originally in magazine form, and before that it was puppets, and then it was just homeless guys who needed food. We just had ’em act out. Magazines are cool, because as you’re masturbating, you also get to do this. Whoa. I’m, like, a sophisticated pervert. [Chuckles] justin, what do you think, huh? Look at that, thumbs up from justin. I found a butt plug on a city bus one time. Can you believe that? Yeah. How do I know? ‘Cause it fit perfectly. Come on, guys. Easy joke. Wow. [Laughter] anal bleaching— what do you guys think? No, as a baby name. Do you like it or no? Bang, bang, bang. This is great. We got some young guys here, right? Some warriors? Okay. If a girl says, “put it in my ass,” she’s a dude. All right. A little something I learned in the scouts. We’ll be right back. – What’s up, philadelphia? How’s it going? Let’s hear it, come on. Philadelphia. [Cheers and applause] look at you guys. Wow. I really need some help. Can somebody be my cameraman tonight? Who would— who would like to do it? It’s gotta be somebody in the front row. You wanna do it? Okay, cool. Could you look more out of work, sir? I mean, really? Look at this guy. Here you go. Thank you so much. What’s your name? – I’ll see ya. – Whoa! First time in eight shows, I love it. What’s your name, dude? – Paul. – I don’t know why I gave the camera to paul. I should’ve given it to this sad-looking mumford & son guy over here. World’s worst seat. Where’s your chick? You have no—no chick? – Waiting for the escort. – Yeah, you’re waiting on an escort? Finally, the other guy I’ve been meeting online. All right, dude. This is what my comedy’s about. Don’t let this weird banner from game of thrones frighten you, okay? What are you drinking? – A yuengling. – A yueng— all right, philly, got it. All right, I got it. And then you’re gonna go home and cry to boyz ii men? What are you gonna do? I mean, you don’t have to philly it up all the time. Philadelphia. Let’s look at the background here. This is definitely not philly, ’cause look at all that parking. And, um, there’s no one running after me for my iphone, wearing a wig, so I don’t see— you guys are very protective of your town. I don’t blame you one bit. I don’t blame you one bit. We need to legalize stuff here. Pot should be legal. I think everybody in this crowd— paul, right, pot? – Yes. – Are you a pot guy or no? – No. – Exactly, you’re, like, at that age where, like, “if I can’t afford coke, I’ll do nothing.” Pot should be legal. Have you ever seen a pothead get arrested? It’s a sad arrest, okay. They handcuff him. He has no idea what’s going on. He thinks he’s being shown a magic trick. He has nothing— no idea. What are the cops so afraid of? The guy is smoking pot, a silly, harmless drug. It’s a vitamin in Baltimore. I don’t even know— “oh, watch out, he’s smoking pot. “He might have a long story with no ending on him. This guy’s a pothead.” [Laughter and applause] Philly is a great town, but let’s get right to it, okay? That cheesesteak is out of control. I’m kind of a big guy myself, so I figure I can handle it. But as I get older, I realize I gotta plan the cheesesteak. Like, I can eat one, fine. But the next day, it’s anyone’s game. I don’t know when it’s gonna come out, how it’s gonna come out, where it’s gonna come out. That is a hard dump, the cheesesteak dump. I mean, it’s not so much the steak, it’s that bukkake of whiz in there, okay? Just that, like, bang. [Chuckles] I mean, that’s a bad dump. It’s more of a hate crime than it is a dump. It’s the kind of dump where you gotta flush, spray, and paint, okay? It’s that kind of— hello? I got more. It’s the kind of dump— it’s the kind of dump where if your dog walks in, he’ll back out like a cat. That’s the kind of dump. Yes. [Laughter] this is disgusting. This is inappropriate, I apologize. Let’s pull it back a bit. Fisting. All right, fisting. Do we have people from other countries here? I’m always curious to what— what they call fisting. Au bon pain, or the other— fencing without swords? What do you guys call it? I can speak for every woman in here. There is no romantic way to fist someone. Even if you were on a cruise ship, the sun is setting, you just had a delicious buffet, and now it’s vicious fisting. And as your man pulls out, in his dirty filthy palm, you notice an engagement ring. You’d be like— [laughter and applause] you’d be like, “why didn’t you put it in my salad?” “Well, I kinda did.” And then you’d wink. You would wink. I know what it is, it’s incredibly hot. Let me—let me get this kmart fan on everybody. Is that what it is? It’s a little hot down here. So, let me get this kmart— or as we call it up north, black macy’s. Let me get this fan on everybody. Could you get some? Paul, are you getting some? Is it blowing back the laughter? Is that what it’s doing? It does feel good, doesn’t it? Oh, my god. You know what we should do tomorrow, early? – What? – Balloon rides, let’s go. Has anyone been in a hot air balloon? That has gotta be the coolest, ’cause you’re not really in the— pick a side, dude, I mean, really. [Chuckles] why do I pay him in red bulls and meth? I don’t know what I was thinking. Scott. I am killing down here. Dude, high-five me on that one. Thank you. Are you having fun? [Laughter] I like how you guys laugh, but you look at me like there’s an amber alert waiting to happen. So it’s, like, I’m sorry, I apologize. Some of you are laughing, ’cause you see it as a joke and not a plan. So I think that’s great. But there’s always the one guy after the show who takes it a little too far. Like, “oh, that’s not cool, man. I was molested by a priest.” That’s awkward, right? What am I supposed to say? Well, this is what I did say: “you are a good-looking kid. I mean, you know—” [laughter] “you should’ve held out for a bishop. “What can I tell ya? I mean, they come at ya diagonally.” Anybody, chess? [Laughter] I give that joke three sanduskys. I’m tellin’ ya— hey, come on! It’s time. It is time. Paul, are you getting this? This is crazy action. How about you, the lord of no energy? Are you enjoying this? No? What jerry sandusky did was wrong. But I do wanna know one thing: were those kids playing better? Now, i— hear me out! I used to play a little ball in school. I know that would’ve put some of the hustle in me, if I knew my coach was gonna fuck me in the shower. Yes. “Hey, attell, rub-a-dub-dub.” “Oh, shit. Huddle up, guys.” [Laughter] relax. There’s no huddle in tennis. Now— you’re laughing. Now I know it’s funny. [Laughter] – let’s throw one out for the ladies. Now, is size important, ladies? – Yes. – Exactly. That was a little too quick. All right. But there’s such a thing as too big, am I right? I mean, like, if it’s big enough— no? Who is this girl? [Laughs] who is this girl and how is she able to sit down? That’s what I wanna know. Like, let’s say his dick was snow, and it was so big it could close a school. Would that be— [laughter] I did that one for the south jersey people. No? All right. Women are amazing, okay. Going down on a woman— does any guy know how to do this good? – No. – Who said that? Miss, how come you’re not sitting up front, and this wall of hate is up here? [Laughter and applause] I don’t know what I’m doing down there. This is what I do, okay? Are you with me? This is what I do. I pretend I’m in a bank robbery, yeah. I get low, I shake, and I just wait for instructions. I’m like, “mm-hmm. Mmm.” [Laughter and applause] thank you. You’ve been to a bank. You would have to go to a bank to understand that. [Cheers and applause] I assume women like when a guy does that, right? Here’s a fun thing to do next time. Okay, next time your guy goes in that area. Do this, okay? It’ll blow his mind. Come eventually. I mean, it’ll just— yeah, yeah. As a goof, just as a goof. Move around, blink, twitch, do something. I mean, really, I don’t think a sex act should be longer than a civil war reenactment, but that one is. If you even yawn, I’ll high-five your foot. It’s over, we’re done. We’re watching tv. Nice. [Laughter] but to be fair to women, ’cause this isn’t pakistan, I gotta tell ya… [Laughter] you ladies are so smart. You figured out a way to a blow a guy without even blowing him. Look how quiet it got, ’cause you know I’m right. No, there’s a lot of licking going on and a lot of tugging, but very little sucking. Yeah, you’ve been there, right? “Oh, look, daddy, I’m licking it like an ice cream. What do you think?” I think you’re taking a break, that’s what I think. Yeah, ’cause you’re talking. You’re talking. You’re talking and that’s, like, 90% of a blow job, is you can’t talk. You’re just taking a break. If this was the blow job factory, you’d be leaning on a broom, telling a story, while everybody else would be busy making blow jobs. We all know what a blow job looks like— back of the throat, can’t breathe, can’t talk, mascara dripping down your cheeks, like you just saw a clown hit by a truck. That’s a blow job. [Laughter and applause] [coughs] shit. Don’t worry, it’s not airborne, whatever that was. All right. [Chuckles] I did a show one time— are you ready? Okay, you’re a good crowd. I did a show one time for these special needs kids. Okay, yeah. It was a benefit, okay. I did a benefit for the special needs kids. And they were heckling me, okay? No, and it hurt. ‘Cause unlike them, you know, I feel. And I’ll tell ya— yeah, no. I know. I know they feel hot and cold, but I’m talking the whole rainbow of feelings. All right? They were heckling me. Not like you guys, special heckles. And that— yeah, that is weird. The biggest one, right? I assume he was the leader, ’cause he’s wearing all these medals, right? Like I said, this is not— not an appropriate joke. All right, the biggest one, he stands up and he starts pointing at me. And he’s like, “you’re not candy. We want candy. You’re not candy.” Hours later I talk to their handler, right? I’m like, “what? “What is up with this candy, ‘you’re not candy’ thing?” And she’s like, “well, either you’re sweet and delicious, or you’re not.” And I’m like, “oh, you’re one of ’em.” So, once again, not for everybody. Okay. Hours later, or as they say “this manys,” we’re at—stay— just stay with me. We’re at the aquarium, or as they call it, the sea zoo, you know, where— where the wet animals live. We’re at— [laughter] I’m so sorry. We’re at the aquarium, and the specials are riding dolphins, okay? They got ’em in helmets. They’re just throwing ’em in the dolphin tank, just throwing ’em in. Throwing ’em in like the dolphin’s gonna swim the special out of ’em. Just throwing ’em in. The dolphin isn’t liking it. The specials aren’t liking it. They’re all making— they’re all making the same noise. They’re like, “aah, aah, aah.” Which means “you’re not candy” in dolphin. Now, some of you are not laughing ’cause you have a soul. Others— others are like, “what a waste of dolphin! “Throw him in a baby pool with a wet dog, and tell ’em it’s a dolphin.” The poor man’s dolphin ride. You all right? There you go, it’s over. Wow, look at all that energy. [Cheers and applause] I knew a good old-fashioned special needs joke would get you guys going. – Let’s get to the reason why we’re all here. Please welcome mr. Dave attell. [Cheers and applause] – all right, we’re here at one eyed jacks new orleans. All fun stuff was invented in new orleans. Jazz, huh? All: yeah! – Poker, craps, looting. You guys know what you’re doing here. There you go. This one drunk. He knows what I’m talking about. This member of the duck dynasty, coming and out of the— coming in and out of the bayous, trading ducks and gator skins for clean needles and baby wipes. I don’t know what they do. I don’t know what’s going on here. [Laughter] oh, good, a switch. Now—this is tough. I watch a lot of porn. You guys watch porn, don’t you? [Cheers and applause] girl-on-girl, do you know this type of genre of porn, this niche, girl-on-girl? Yeah, it’s when one girl has a drug problem and the other one needs to pay rent. And they just scissor until they break their dads’ heart. It’s a— this porn star I know goes, “you know, they don’t come when they do that.” I’m like, “well, I do, all right? So keep doing it.” Won ’em back. [Laughter] the real hero in that joke is lubricant. Do you guys use lube? Probably not. You just rub a little jambalaya down on your holes and let it happen. What am I talking about lube in this town? Everything’s fuckin’ lube here. – Whoo! – I think women enjoy lube, right? Ladies, huh? Your chick? Mr. Uncomfortable and his woman over here, right? [Laughter] I don’t know what groupon deal you did to do this fuckin’ show, dude. You do not— all right, lube. When you pull out lube in a relationship, women are into it. Pull out, like, a two, three-gallon jug of lube, right? She gets that— get that look in her eyes. “Wow, if he can afford lubricant, “he probably can afford breakfast. “This guy is great. I better put my teeth in, whoa.” All: ohh! – Oh, fuckin’ just pull back your mullet and take it. Geez. What’s going on here? In the commercial for lube, they always show the fun pre-lubing, never that post, awkward lube clean-up, you know? It’s just a total mess. You’re wearing a hazmat suit, your girl’s slipping on it, your dog’s licking it, there’s a thumbprint on the alarm clock. Oh. [Laughter] wow, the crowd’s rolling. It’s rolling. We’re on. Are you having a good time? Yeah, this is good, right? How about the—the row of guys who kinda look like me? You guys? It’s like the three—the mount rushmore of fuckin’ lonely. Here we are, just bald. There’s something about flip flops in this town that I don’t know if it’s either courageous or stupid. – Awesome! – How many puddles of vomit and urine and just discharge do you have to jump? Can I get a kahlua and cream and just a pot to boil my toes. Can I just—gonna go over to the voodoo shop and put some liniment on that now. Make yourself at home, man. Wow. He’s the first guy we’ve been taping ever. He’s the first guy who really made it his own. Did you get a lot of practice on that show cheaters? They’re sending their security in now, man. [Crowd groaning] uh-oh. The crowd is going—something’s happening here. – You ruined everything! – It’s a hostage situation. Well, hold his hand, help him down like a lady. Help down like a lady! What happened to the southern hospitality? [Mumbling] isn’t that the saddest thing? That’s the most exciting fucking thing that’s happened so far? Fuck. Don’t drink and drive. That’s what I’m saying, guys. Take a pedicab. They’re out there right now. That’s the way to see a town. Slow, hot, with just a hint of slavery. I love it. When I get out, I don’t tip ’em, I free them. I’m like, “keep running! “Keep running till you hit maryland! Keep pedaling and pumping.” This joke needs more cord! Help me out! Thank you. Fuck. Sounds like an episode of deadliest catch. Ugh. People want you to smoke the e-cigarette. Have you seen it? Yeah. I was smoking one of these things, people don’t like that. I was smoking it, a woman walks in front of me, she starts coughing and waving her hand in front of her face. Why? Oh, she doesn’t wanna get any science in her? Is that what it is? Oh, oh, secondhand new ideas. Oh! My hair smells like steven hawking’s ball sack. – Oh! – I’m just covering a fart. Go ahead. – Get louder! You gotta talk louder. – I—you can’t hear me? Wow, way to kill a boner with that voice. Holy shit. The anti-viagra. [Drawls] “hey, you comin’ in or what? This pussy isn’t gonna eat itself.” [Woman hollers] how about a hand for the guy that’s gotta fuck that? How about that now? [Applause] you wanted a hard motherfucker, I’m a hard motherfucker in this room! I was dating a girl with a lazy eye for a while. Mostly ’cause she was good at finding parking. But I’ll tell ya— [laughter] I’m the w— I’m the worst comic. I am just horrible. – Handicapped! – Oh, you’ve never driven around with a cockeyed bitch? Well, this whore— this half-lizard, she could find a spot two clicks back. She was that good. But I never could pull a facial on her. No, she could see it coming two days ahead of time. Facials. Not many women are into it, but if god didn’t want you to do it, why did he give you eyelids? All right? Scripture says! Women are into it, but then at the last second their dignity kicks in, now they turn away. Well, there’s no pause on a dick. Now you’re gonna catch one in the back of the head or as they call it up north “a lincoln.” I’ll tell ya— [laughter] some girls—some girls use their teddy bear as a secret service agent to block the shot. No. “You can’t come on a teddy bear. That’s cajun bad luck.” Jizz has no sound. That’s why guys add their own rough commentary to let the woman know that something that is not ice cream is about to hit her in the face. It’s called “being a gentleman” all right? [Laughter] it’s always rough, dirty talk. Like, “take it, you whore! You’re lovin’ this shit! “I’m dropping bombs. I’m dropping bombs! Flappity flippity! Aw—you’re adopted.” Now. They don’t mean that at all. But these guys—these guys are pornstars. They got multiple loads. I’m an old man. My load looks like a homeless guy blowing his nose on the street. It’s just— there’s no glory to it. It’s just a load, dribble, dribble, dribble, steam. That’s all it is. [Cheers and applause] we did it! Here’s to you, man. Excellent work, scott. Thank you very much. I love you, new orleans. You guys are great. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] | [Cheers and applause] – Thank you very much. Vinnie Brand, everybody. Give him a hand. Thank you so much. It’s great to be here at the stress factory in New Jersey. Nice. And, uh, I need a cameraman, ’cause I’m broke. So who’s gonna help me out here? Miss, do you wanna do the camerawork? – Sure. – Okay, there you go. All right, I love it. And how about you, dude, everything good? There we go. Not that we don’t trust you. We have another guy taping you. All right, this is like— this is like North Korea, I love it. What’s your story? We should know a little bit about the people behind the scenes here. What do you do? – I was a hairdresser. – Oh, here we go, all right. [Laughter] Oh, look, you’re already doing your own sex tape. Can you wait? A camera goes on, she gets wet. Is that what it is here? I mean— here, here, here. Whoa. Wow. I was doing a show one time at this club, okay, right up front, a 12-year-old boy. Now what kind of parents—Cuban— bring a kid like that to see this filthy humor? Ridiculous. Good kid. Now he’s playing for the Mets. Anyway—what? I give it to you guys. It’s hard to watch me do my old shitty act in front of the world’s last phone or something. I mean, it’s not my fault Thomas Edison is from this town, and we all have to worship his magical device. Isn’t it amazing how phones used to be this big? Look at that, right? Everything’s smaller now: phones, dogs, dicks. They’ve all gotten tinier, but they do more. These jokes aren’t gonna be all this clean, all right? It’s gonna be a filthy dirty mess of a show. It really is. [Cheers and applause] I know, some of you are into it, some of you aren’t. My dad used to beat me when I was a kid. And he’d always go, “Dave, “I really don’t wanna hit you, but this is the only thing that gets me hard.” And you know what? Hey. Come on, it’s a joke. You know I don’t know who my dad is. I have no idea. I was raised in a carnival. Keep it up here, all right? Just on the punch lines, just—yeah, like— here’s something you rarely get to see, a gangbanger eating some strawberry shortcake. This is, like— is this a comedy club or a Denny’s in two hours? What’s going on here? I love a filthy pedophile joke with a little piece of strawberry shortcake. All right, ’cause I am evil. [Laughter] you wanna switch? See, look, there’s not much room on the stage here. This is great. This is like an MMA fight between two nerds. This is great. Ever do a bunch of mushrooms, think you’re having a pillow fight, but it turns out to be a live baby? Has that ever happened to anybody? All right. Just feeling the crowd out. Seeing who’s who here. Hello? Oh. Sorry. My career called, it’s dead. Um, sorry. Let’s go back to the women here. There’s a lot of hot women here. All right, yeah. Where are the single women? None, there’s no single women anymore. I don’t blame ’em. I like when a woman’s on top. ‘Cause when a woman’s on top, you know what your job is? Not to die. That’s all you have to do, just lay there. And you get a chance to weigh her. Yeah. Fuck all of you, that’s funny. Now—I’m not gonna wait for you guys anymore. I like when a woman’s on top. They call it cowgirl style. Yeah, some girls wear a cowboy hat as they’re doing that. That’s a little too much. A cowgirl hat during cowgirl sex is like a turban on a plane. It is totally— [chuckles] it’s legal, but I’m not sleeping on that flight. I’m not. I got one eye on you, zero dark thirty. Yeah. [Chuckles] how about reverse cowgirl? That’s when they’re facing away. Have you—yeah, I don’t know who invented that, but they were ugly. Yeah, like, “hey, I’ll bang ya, “I just don’t wanna look at ya. I mean—” you gotta believe in yourself as a dude, when your woman does that. Because, you know, it does look like she’s getting up to leave. It really does look like, “hey. If you’re gonna go, bring back something to eat.” So— [laughter] I watch all these reality shows. I guess my favorite would be this one called, uh, the pit boss. It’s about a little guy. His name is shorty. And, uh, he’s— you know, he’s a midget. [Under breath] all right, he’s a midget. All right. Don’t worry, there’s no midgets here, all right? It doesn’t smell like cinnamon and, you know, confetti or nothing magical. It’s just—you know. It’s cool, all right? Anyway, he goes to jail for, like, ten years. He’s a little guy, okay. I don’t know what that is in midget years. I guess maybe, like, 150,000 million years. I don’t know. I was homeschooled. Gets out of jail, and now he rescues pit bulls. Which I think he thinks are horses. I’m not exactly sure. Bang. That’s a joke, yeah. Hard-core. Thank you. [Laughter] I have never, ever seen a midget mail a letter. Have you guys— have you ever seen that? No. Evidently, the tall man does not want the little man communicating his recipes and spells and potions through the magical blue box. Let him mail a letter, huh. I don’t even think they should have to use stamps, which they call paintings, ’cause, you know— they should be able to kiss the envelope, and it just gets wherever it needs to go. Santa. [Laughter] you guys are cool, you’re laughing at that. I’ve done that joke with a little person in the room. They’re not that cool about it. Mostly, you know, ’cause I was drunk and I was doing this over his head. So, you know, god couldn’t hear his prayers. And, um— they don’t like the word “midget.” They don’t like “little people.” What do they wanna be called? “People,” that’s what they want. “People,” okay. If they’re people, then that bumps the rest of us up into being gods. And that’s a lot of work. [Clears throat] they should worship us, or I’ll make it light and dark in here with this magical cloud switch. It’s a light switch, for those of you who have no idea what I’m doing here. A light switch. [Laughter] to sum up, would I blow a midget? You know I would. ‘Cause I know his dick tastes like toys. So, there you have it. We’ll be right back. [Chuckles] [drumming] – and now, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for mr. Dave attell. [Cheers and applause] – keep it going for ’em, everyone. The legends of polynesia. Come on, chicopee, mass, you can do it. Excellent work. Now that’s the way to start a show. Am I right? Yeah. Now prepare to be bored to death for the next hour. Thank you, guys. All right, take it easy. – Thank you. – All right. Can you guys— really, get back in the shack, all right? Just get back in that shack. And the dude— put a bra on, all right? Really, got— it’s a family show here. Keep it going. Come on, guys. You remember that show lost. Give ’em a hand. [Cheers and applause] oh, I’m not drinking my fantastical drink. Mmm. Mm. This is like, I don’t know, getting a rim job from a unicorn. I can’t even— – you have some on your chin. – I do? – Yeah, just a little. – Well, I hope he calls me tomorrow. [Laughter] that deserves just a little one. [Faint rimshot] just a little— a little something. [Laughs] I divide my life up into two parts, before honey boo boo and after honey boo boo. Now, for those of you who don’t know who she is, I don’t even know who she is. Where did she come from? I don’t know. Did her mom deep throat a corn dog on a ferris wheel, and she popped out? She’s cute. But three years from now when she’s a mother, it’s gonna be a lot— hello? Wow. Excuse me, I’m just gonna step into a vietnam flashback for a minute. I’ll be right back. [Chuckles] it’s a hot l.z. “I need to get pulled out!” [Chuckles] too family-oriented in here. I don’t like it, I don’t like it. I expected, like, drunk dudes, you know, just fuckin’ coming here ’cause they can’t afford to go to a strip club. I mean, you know. – Take it off! – I went to a strip club. And you can always tell how good it is by the name. This one was called “the double chin.” Now that was not good. 10 Bucks to get in, 20 to get out. It was horrible. I went to one, it was a vegan strip club. Can you believe this? Vegans, yeah. I walk in, the girls are so weak, they can’t even climb the pole. They’re hanging on like koala bears. They were licking the pole for iron. It was so sad. [Laughter] one of the vegans says to me, “you should go down on a vegan, we taste better.” Oh, really? I can speak for every guy in here. As long as it doesn’t taste like balls, it’s all right, really. ‘Cause balls are disgusting, aren’t they? Wow. And they stink. Yeah, they do. All right, I’ll speak for my balls. On my best day, my balls might smell like a foot, on my best day. And the sack, ugh. The sack, growing all the time. My sack looks like a tent no one knows how to fold up. It’s just all over the place. [Laughter] and the penis is ugly, huh? Ew. That’s what they should’ve called it, “ew.” Have you ever seen a penis before and after sex? What happened? Before, it’s hard, full of jager and lies. It’s got a plan. It’s on a mission. [Laughter and cheering] it goes in, right? Three minutes, two if you’re married, it comes popping out. It’s all twisted, covered in goo, blinking or twitching. What is it doing down there? It looks like all the odd number rocky movies. Yeah, just defeated. [Laughter] thank you. My cameraman, dude. [Laughter] what the fuck? – Oh, my god! – Dude, you’re my camera guy. – Get that phone down! – If this was cnn, we would’ve missed the whole arab spring, dude. Oh, now you’re overdoing it. “Oh, look at me, I’m really trying now.” Too late! Back to the sex jokes. Sex toys. Say what you want about ’em, but there’s never been a recall. So wherever they make ’em, they’re making ’em pretty good. I think they make ’em in china, yeah. Little kids are making our sex toys. And I know it’s sick, but it does make it a little more erotic, knowing their little hands are all over ’em. Mmm. [Chuckles] [laughter] they got a double-headed dil— they got the double-headed dildo. “What kind of phone is this?” “Back to work!” What’s your favorite sex toy? Can I talk— can you get this, dude? Okay, good. Okay, so just for continuity, I’m just gonna bring this tree with me, so— [laughter] miss, what— [exhales] what’s your favorite sex toy? What do you like? – The celebrator. – The celebrator? Is he in town? Wow. [Chuckles] the celebrator— what is that? – It looks like a toothbrush. – I think you’re being fooled. That’s an oral-b that you’re putting in your hooch. [Laughter] you know what guys have now? The anywhere vagina. Have you ever seen this? – Pocket pussy? – A pocket pussy? Whoa. Is that the technical term? Okay. I call it living in my mom’s basement way too long. [All cheering] back me up on this. It’s a vagina with a sticky on the back. And you lick it, and then you put it on the wall, and then you fuck it. Okay, it’s idiot-proof. What I like to do is buy a bunch, and leave ’em on hotel walls all over the country. Kind of a johnny appleseed of filth. [Laughs, coughs] sorry, guys. That’s what smokers call breathing. Oh, what happened? Oh, no. Scott, you knocked over my drink. Get a picture of that. Somewhere a clown fell down. You can tell, ’cause anytime you spill a daiquiri— [chuckles] look at that, wow. Careful, scott. You’re gonna knock over the fake palm tree. So, since you guys love filth, I think you’re gonna appreciate this. Do you know what anal beads are? [Hushed laughter] excuse me, out front did it say, “magic show?” No, it didn’t. It said, “polynesians and filthy guy.” That’s what it said. Anal beads, what’s— what do you think is worse: more beads coming out than went in, or the missing bead? No man left behind. That’s how I was taught. It looks like a job for the rescue gerbil. Yes. That joke was— did everybody eat? I should’ve said that before that joke. Did everybody? Okay, good. – Minneapolis, acme comedy club. [Cheers and applause] yep. Wow, this is good. All right, I’m doing this on a budget, so I’m gonna need someone to help me be my cameraman. Who wants to do it? You wanna do it? – Sure. – There ya go. This guy looks great. What’s your name, sir? – Justin. – What’s it? – Justin. – Are you a fan of comedy? – Absolutely. – All right, I’m gonna change that right now. All right. Thanks for coming down, guys. It’s great to be here in minneapolis. You guys, this is the whitest town I’ve ever seen in my life. Yes. If christian mingle was a place, it would be here, right here. But you’re good people. You are the healthiest, nicest people. You’re, like, almost canadian. I really think— oh, it got a little ugly there, didn’t it, huh? Everybody here is on a bicycle. Hmm, yeah. That is queer. I mean, everybody— I saw a guy today my age on a bike. That is just weird. You see a guy, an old man, on a bike like that, you’re like, “that dude has a dui. “That guy is just a drunk. “He’s a drunk. Look at him.” I like booze. I’m a booze guy. Justin, do you like booze? Yeah, there you go. I can tell. – Just a little bit. – Just a little bit? There’s nothing wrong with it. Whiskey is a great drink. Now whiskey’s very classy and adult, till you shit your pants. But other than that, it is great. Now you think of whiskey, you think of, like, a sad old white man. Like, a guy like me in the rain, screaming the word, “whore,” at a house he used to own. “Hey, whore. “Are you enjoying that home, you whore? I built that deck!” [Laughter] women drink whiskey now too, right? Whiskey drinkers, there you go. Women drink whiskey and they always class it up with a little diet coke. Why diet coke? You’re drinking whiskey, the wildest drink known to man. Are you really counting calories while you’re drinking whiskey? “Well, I don’t know wanna look flabby “two hours from now when I’m tag-teaming truckers on a pool table.” [Laughter] “I don’t wanna look all puffy as I’m screaming the n-word at an eclipse.” All right, sorry. That one would’ve killed in idaho. So— I like to hold the door open for a woman, ’cause I think that’s very gentlemanly, yeah. But I only hold it open about this much. Yeah. And if you can’t squeeze through, “I will make pig noises till you do. “Get in there. “Get in there, hog, come on. There’s cheese in there.” [Laughter] [clears throat] I guess what I’m trying to say is I wanna have a family. Kids are great. Dogs are way better than kids, am I right? Yeah, wow. ‘Cause you can shake a dog, and not go to jail. I think that’s really good. Justin, you’re good? You can move the camera around a little bit. It’s all right. This isn’t baby’s first steps or anything like that. I want it— I want it nasty, motherfucker. [Laughter] this is a progressive state. You guys just legalized gay marriage. You did it, yeah. Give yourselves a hand, yes. [Cheers and applause] I am for gay marriage, okay? Yeah, as long as they’re both the same race, I don’t see anything wrong with it. [Laughter] no, ’cause every guy’s done something gay. We’ve all had a gay moment. I know this, ’cause I’m from the future. I know it. Whether it’s an uncle teaching you how to make a tie while you’re both not wearing pants, huh? Hey. Or just wearing a scarf. Have you ever worn a scarf? It’s a little fruity. It’s a little fruity. “Well, I gotta keep my throat warm, “just in case there’s a cock-sucking competition “on balls-on-my-chin avenue. Oops.” You good? That was excellent. That was like ice capades, synchronized. [Laughter] I do magazines. Anybody else? Yeah, magazines. ‘Cause I’m old, but I still masturbate. But I take an aspirin first. Anyway—for my heart. Did you guys know— there’s young guys here. Did you know that porn was originally in magazine form, and before that it was puppets, and then it was just homeless guys who needed food. We just had ’em act out. Magazines are cool, because as you’re masturbating, you also get to do this. Whoa. I’m, like, a sophisticated pervert. [Chuckles] justin, what do you think, huh? Look at that, thumbs up from justin. I found a butt plug on a city bus one time. Can you believe that? Yeah. How do I know? ‘Cause it fit perfectly. Come on, guys. Easy joke. Wow. [Laughter] anal bleaching— what do you guys think? No, as a baby name. Do you like it or no? Bang, bang, bang. This is great. We got some young guys here, right? Some warriors? Okay. If a girl says, “put it in my ass,” she’s a dude. All right. A little something I learned in the scouts. We’ll be right back. – What’s up, philadelphia? How’s it going? Let’s hear it, come on. Philadelphia. [Cheers and applause] look at you guys. Wow. I really need some help. Can somebody be my cameraman tonight? Who would— who would like to do it? It’s gotta be somebody in the front row. You wanna do it? Okay, cool. Could you look more out of work, sir? I mean, really? Look at this guy. Here you go. Thank you so much. What’s your name? – I’ll see ya. – Whoa! First time in eight shows, I love it. What’s your name, dude? – Paul. – I don’t know why I gave the camera to paul. I should’ve given it to this sad-looking mumford & son guy over here. World’s worst seat. Where’s your chick? You have no—no chick? – Waiting for the escort. – Yeah, you’re waiting on an escort? Finally, the other guy I’ve been meeting online. All right, dude. This is what my comedy’s about. Don’t let this weird banner from game of thrones frighten you, okay? What are you drinking? – A yuengling. – A yueng— all right, philly, got it. All right, I got it. And then you’re gonna go home and cry to boyz ii men? What are you gonna do? I mean, you don’t have to philly it up all the time. Philadelphia. Let’s look at the background here. This is definitely not philly, ’cause look at all that parking. And, um, there’s no one running after me for my iphone, wearing a wig, so I don’t see— you guys are very protective of your town. I don’t blame you one bit. I don’t blame you one bit. We need to legalize stuff here. Pot should be legal. I think everybody in this crowd— paul, right, pot? – Yes. – Are you a pot guy or no? – No. – Exactly, you’re, like, at that age where, like, “if I can’t afford coke, I’ll do nothing.” Pot should be legal. Have you ever seen a pothead get arrested? It’s a sad arrest, okay. They handcuff him. He has no idea what’s going on. He thinks he’s being shown a magic trick. He has nothing— no idea. What are the cops so afraid of? The guy is smoking pot, a silly, harmless drug. It’s a vitamin in Baltimore. I don’t even know— “oh, watch out, he’s smoking pot. “He might have a long story with no ending on him. This guy’s a pothead.” [Laughter and applause] Philly is a great town, but let’s get right to it, okay? That cheesesteak is out of control. I’m kind of a big guy myself, so I figure I can handle it. But as I get older, I realize I gotta plan the cheesesteak. Like, I can eat one, fine. But the next day, it’s anyone’s game. I don’t know when it’s gonna come out, how it’s gonna come out, where it’s gonna come out. That is a hard dump, the cheesesteak dump. I mean, it’s not so much the steak, it’s that bukkake of whiz in there, okay? Just that, like, bang. [Chuckles] I mean, that’s a bad dump. It’s more of a hate crime than it is a dump. It’s the kind of dump where you gotta flush, spray, and paint, okay? It’s that kind of— hello? I got more. It’s the kind of dump— it’s the kind of dump where if your dog walks in, he’ll back out like a cat. That’s the kind of dump. Yes. [Laughter] this is disgusting. This is inappropriate, I apologize. Let’s pull it back a bit. Fisting. All right, fisting. Do we have people from other countries here? I’m always curious to what— what they call fisting. Au bon pain, or the other— fencing without swords? What do you guys call it? I can speak for every woman in here. There is no romantic way to fist someone. Even if you were on a cruise ship, the sun is setting, you just had a delicious buffet, and now it’s vicious fisting. And as your man pulls out, in his dirty filthy palm, you notice an engagement ring. You’d be like— [laughter and applause] you’d be like, “why didn’t you put it in my salad?” “Well, I kinda did.” And then you’d wink. You would wink. I know what it is, it’s incredibly hot. Let me—let me get this kmart fan on everybody. Is that what it is? It’s a little hot down here. So, let me get this kmart— or as we call it up north, black macy’s. Let me get this fan on everybody. Could you get some? Paul, are you getting some? Is it blowing back the laughter? Is that what it’s doing? It does feel good, doesn’t it? Oh, my god. You know what we should do tomorrow, early? – What? – Balloon rides, let’s go. Has anyone been in a hot air balloon? That has gotta be the coolest, ’cause you’re not really in the— pick a side, dude, I mean, really. [Chuckles] why do I pay him in red bulls and meth? I don’t know what I was thinking. Scott. I am killing down here. Dude, high-five me on that one. Thank you. Are you having fun? [Laughter] I like how you guys laugh, but you look at me like there’s an amber alert waiting to happen. So it’s, like, I’m sorry, I apologize. Some of you are laughing, ’cause you see it as a joke and not a plan. So I think that’s great. But there’s always the one guy after the show who takes it a little too far. Like, “oh, that’s not cool, man. I was molested by a priest.” That’s awkward, right? What am I supposed to say? Well, this is what I did say: “you are a good-looking kid. I mean, you know—” [laughter] “you should’ve held out for a bishop. “What can I tell ya? I mean, they come at ya diagonally.” Anybody, chess? [Laughter] I give that joke three sanduskys. I’m tellin’ ya— hey, come on! It’s time. It is time. Paul, are you getting this? This is crazy action. How about you, the lord of no energy? Are you enjoying this? No? What jerry sandusky did was wrong. But I do wanna know one thing: were those kids playing better? Now, i— hear me out! I used to play a little ball in school. I know that would’ve put some of the hustle in me, if I knew my coach was gonna fuck me in the shower. Yes. “Hey, attell, rub-a-dub-dub.” “Oh, shit. Huddle up, guys.” [Laughter] relax. There’s no huddle in tennis. Now— you’re laughing. Now I know it’s funny. [Laughter] – let’s throw one out for the ladies. Now, is size important, ladies? – Yes. – Exactly. That was a little too quick. All right. But there’s such a thing as too big, am I right? I mean, like, if it’s big enough— no? Who is this girl? [Laughs] who is this girl and how is she able to sit down? That’s what I wanna know. Like, let’s say his dick was snow, and it was so big it could close a school. Would that be— [laughter] I did that one for the south jersey people. No? All right. Women are amazing, okay. Going down on a woman— does any guy know how to do this good? – No. – Who said that? Miss, how come you’re not sitting up front, and this wall of hate is up here? [Laughter and applause] I don’t know what I’m doing down there. This is what I do, okay? Are you with me? This is what I do. I pretend I’m in a bank robbery, yeah. I get low, I shake, and I just wait for instructions. I’m like, “mm-hmm. Mmm.” [Laughter and applause] thank you. You’ve been to a bank. You would have to go to a bank to understand that. [Cheers and applause] I assume women like when a guy does that, right? Here’s a fun thing to do next time. Okay, next time your guy goes in that area. Do this, okay? It’ll blow his mind. Come eventually. I mean, it’ll just— yeah, yeah. As a goof, just as a goof. Move around, blink, twitch, do something. I mean, really, I don’t think a sex act should be longer than a civil war reenactment, but that one is. If you even yawn, I’ll high-five your foot. It’s over, we’re done. We’re watching tv. Nice. [Laughter] but to be fair to women, ’cause this isn’t pakistan, I gotta tell ya… [Laughter] you ladies are so smart. You figured out a way to a blow a guy without even blowing him. Look how quiet it got, ’cause you know I’m right. No, there’s a lot of licking going on and a lot of tugging, but very little sucking. Yeah, you’ve been there, right? “Oh, look, daddy, I’m licking it like an ice cream. What do you think?” I think you’re taking a break, that’s what I think. Yeah, ’cause you’re talking. You’re talking. You’re talking and that’s, like, 90% of a blow job, is you can’t talk. You’re just taking a break. If this was the blow job factory, you’d be leaning on a broom, telling a story, while everybody else would be busy making blow jobs. We all know what a blow job looks like— back of the throat, can’t breathe, can’t talk, mascara dripping down your cheeks, like you just saw a clown hit by a truck. That’s a blow job. [Laughter and applause] [coughs] shit. Don’t worry, it’s not airborne, whatever that was. All right. [Chuckles] I did a show one time— are you ready? Okay, you’re a good crowd. I did a show one time for these special needs kids. Okay, yeah. It was a benefit, okay. I did a benefit for the special needs kids. And they were heckling me, okay? No, and it hurt. ‘Cause unlike them, you know, I feel. And I’ll tell ya— yeah, no. I know. I know they feel hot and cold, but I’m talking the whole rainbow of feelings. All right? They were heckling me. Not like you guys, special heckles. And that— yeah, that is weird. The biggest one, right? I assume he was the leader, ’cause he’s wearing all these medals, right? Like I said, this is not— not an appropriate joke. All right, the biggest one, he stands up and he starts pointing at me. And he’s like, “you’re not candy. We want candy. You’re not candy.” Hours later I talk to their handler, right? I’m like, “what? “What is up with this candy, ‘you’re not candy’ thing?” And she’s like, “well, either you’re sweet and delicious, or you’re not.” And I’m like, “oh, you’re one of ’em.” So, once again, not for everybody. Okay. Hours later, or as they say “this manys,” we’re at—stay— just stay with me. We’re at the aquarium, or as they call it, the sea zoo, you know, where— where the wet animals live. We’re at— [laughter] I’m so sorry. We’re at the aquarium, and the specials are riding dolphins, okay? They got ’em in helmets. They’re just throwing ’em in the dolphin tank, just throwing ’em in. Throwing ’em in like the dolphin’s gonna swim the special out of ’em. Just throwing ’em in. The dolphin isn’t liking it. The specials aren’t liking it. They’re all making— they’re all making the same noise. They’re like, “aah, aah, aah.” Which means “you’re not candy” in dolphin. Now, some of you are not laughing ’cause you have a soul. Others— others are like, “what a waste of dolphin! “Throw him in a baby pool with a wet dog, and tell ’em it’s a dolphin.” The poor man’s dolphin ride. You all right? There you go, it’s over. Wow, look at all that energy. [Cheers and applause] I knew a good old-fashioned special needs joke would get you guys going. – Let’s get to the reason why we’re all here. Please welcome mr. Dave attell. [Cheers and applause] – all right, we’re here at one eyed jacks new orleans. All fun stuff was invented in new orleans. Jazz, huh? All: yeah! – Poker, craps, looting. You guys know what you’re doing here. There you go. This one drunk. He knows what I’m talking about. This member of the duck dynasty, coming and out of the— coming in and out of the bayous, trading ducks and gator skins for clean needles and baby wipes. I don’t know what they do. I don’t know what’s going on here. [Laughter] oh, good, a switch. Now—this is tough. I watch a lot of porn. You guys watch porn, don’t you? [Cheers and applause] girl-on-girl, do you know this type of genre of porn, this niche, girl-on-girl? Yeah, it’s when one girl has a drug problem and the other one needs to pay rent. And they just scissor until they break their dads’ heart. It’s a— this porn star I know goes, “you know, they don’t come when they do that.” I’m like, “well, I do, all right? So keep doing it.” Won ’em back. [Laughter] the real hero in that joke is lubricant. Do you guys use lube? Probably not. You just rub a little jambalaya down on your holes and let it happen. What am I talking about lube in this town? Everything’s fuckin’ lube here. – Whoo! – I think women enjoy lube, right? Ladies, huh? Your chick? Mr. Uncomfortable and his woman over here, right? [Laughter] I don’t know what groupon deal you did to do this fuckin’ show, dude. You do not— all right, lube. When you pull out lube in a relationship, women are into it. Pull out, like, a two, three-gallon jug of lube, right? She gets that— get that look in her eyes. “Wow, if he can afford lubricant, “he probably can afford breakfast. “This guy is great. I better put my teeth in, whoa.” All: ohh! – Oh, fuckin’ just pull back your mullet and take it. Geez. What’s going on here? In the commercial for lube, they always show the fun pre-lubing, never that post, awkward lube clean-up, you know? It’s just a total mess. You’re wearing a hazmat suit, your girl’s slipping on it, your dog’s licking it, there’s a thumbprint on the alarm clock. Oh. [Laughter] wow, the crowd’s rolling. It’s rolling. We’re on. Are you having a good time? Yeah, this is good, right? How about the—the row of guys who kinda look like me? You guys? It’s like the three—the mount rushmore of fuckin’ lonely. Here we are, just bald. There’s something about flip flops in this town that I don’t know if it’s either courageous or stupid. – Awesome! – How many puddles of vomit and urine and just discharge do you have to jump? Can I get a kahlua and cream and just a pot to boil my toes. Can I just—gonna go over to the voodoo shop and put some liniment on that now. Make yourself at home, man. Wow. He’s the first guy we’ve been taping ever. He’s the first guy who really made it his own. Did you get a lot of practice on that show cheaters? They’re sending their security in now, man. [Crowd groaning] uh-oh. The crowd is going—something’s happening here. – You ruined everything! – It’s a hostage situation. Well, hold his hand, help him down like a lady. Help down like a lady! What happened to the southern hospitality? [Mumbling] isn’t that the saddest thing? That’s the most exciting fucking thing that’s happened so far? Fuck. Don’t drink and drive. That’s what I’m saying, guys. Take a pedicab. They’re out there right now. That’s the way to see a town. Slow, hot, with just a hint of slavery. I love it. When I get out, I don’t tip ’em, I free them. I’m like, “keep running! “Keep running till you hit maryland! Keep pedaling and pumping.” This joke needs more cord! Help me out! Thank you. Fuck. Sounds like an episode of deadliest catch. Ugh. People want you to smoke the e-cigarette. Have you seen it? Yeah. I was smoking one of these things, people don’t like that. I was smoking it, a woman walks in front of me, she starts coughing and waving her hand in front of her face. Why? Oh, she doesn’t wanna get any science in her? Is that what it is? Oh, oh, secondhand new ideas. Oh! My hair smells like steven hawking’s ball sack. – Oh! – I’m just covering a fart. Go ahead. – Get louder! You gotta talk louder. – I—you can’t hear me? Wow, way to kill a boner with that voice. Holy shit. The anti-viagra. [Drawls] “hey, you comin’ in or what? This pussy isn’t gonna eat itself.” [Woman hollers] how about a hand for the guy that’s gotta fuck that? How about that now? [Applause] you wanted a hard motherfucker, I’m a hard motherfucker in this room! I was dating a girl with a lazy eye for a while. Mostly ’cause she was good at finding parking. But I’ll tell ya— [laughter] I’m the w— I’m the worst comic. I am just horrible. – Handicapped! – Oh, you’ve never driven around with a cockeyed bitch? Well, this whore— this half-lizard, she could find a spot two clicks back. She was that good. But I never could pull a facial on her. No, she could see it coming two days ahead of time. Facials. Not many women are into it, but if god didn’t want you to do it, why did he give you eyelids? All right? Scripture says! Women are into it, but then at the last second their dignity kicks in, now they turn away. Well, there’s no pause on a dick. Now you’re gonna catch one in the back of the head or as they call it up north “a lincoln.” I’ll tell ya— [laughter] some girls—some girls use their teddy bear as a secret service agent to block the shot. No. “You can’t come on a teddy bear. That’s cajun bad luck.” Jizz has no sound. That’s why guys add their own rough commentary to let the woman know that something that is not ice cream is about to hit her in the face. It’s called “being a gentleman” all right? [Laughter] it’s always rough, dirty talk. Like, “take it, you whore! You’re lovin’ this shit! “I’m dropping bombs. I’m dropping bombs! Flappity flippity! Aw—you’re adopted.” Now. They don’t mean that at all. But these guys—these guys are pornstars. They got multiple loads. I’m an old man. My load looks like a homeless guy blowing his nose on the street. It’s just— there’s no glory to it. It’s just a load, dribble, dribble, dribble, steam. That’s all it is. [Cheers and applause] we did it! Here’s to you, man. Excellent work, scott. Thank you very much. I love you, new orleans. You guys are great. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/david-nihill-cultural-appreciation-transcript/ | David Nihill: Cultural Appreciation (2023) | Transcript | david nihill | In this 2023 comedy special, David Nihill humorously navigates the complexities of identity, cultural norms, and immigration. The routine starts with an amusing encounter at an immigration checkpoint, highlighting Nihill’s Irish heritage and the officer’s misplaced connection to it. Nihill then adopts a Latino identity as a comedic device to critique automated customer service systems. He cleverly connects Irish and Latino cultures, drawing parallels in their experiences, particularly around issues like immigration and religion, using humor to highlight these similarities. Nihill also addresses the evolving perception of Irish immigrants in America, blending history with humor. He reflects on the Irish journey from being a marginalized group to gaining a more celebrated status in American society. His narrative includes witty anecdotes about his family’s history and their unique assimilation into American culture, adding a personal touch to broader discussions on race and identity. Throughout the special, Nihill uses his background as an Irish immigrant in America to offer comedic insights on cultural integration, identity politics, and the immigrant experience. * * * [Immigration Officer] Next. Hey, how’s it going? Passport. Oh, you’re Irish? Yeah. I’m Irish me self. All right. My great-grandfather’s dog, Sparky O’Houlihan, came over on the boat 200 years ago. Oh. Yeah, it says here you’re a comedian. Yeah, sometimes. You’re not gonna make jokes about America, are you? No, that’d be crazy. Yeah, not my country. Well, welcome to America, my Irish brother. (passport stamping) (audience applauding) (audience cheering) Thank you. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. I am indeed from Dublin, Ireland, but I live in America now so I identify as Latino. (audience laughing) I had to start doing that to get through your automated customer service lines because the other options are no good, are they? Like the minute you call up, they’re like, “Thank you for calling. For English, press one.” I was like, I don’t wanna be English. (audience laughing) My people have been avoiding (resisting?) that option for about 800 years now. What else have you got? You just keep listening. It gets immediately better ’cause they’ll be like, (David speaks Spanish: para español, marque dos) I said, I’m in here and now these are my new people. (audience laughing) Yeah, that’s the beauty of this identify as whatever you feel like culture that we have at the moment. No one can even get mad about that. But I didn’t wanna shock my parents too much ’cause they don’t know they raised a Latino. (audience laughing) Yeah, so it is at least logical. Irish people, Latinos already emotionally connected. We both like drinking, dancing, fighting, mostly work in construction. (audience laughing) We are primarily Catholic, we love soccer, speak a whole other language, and have problems with immigration. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We’re already one people. But it makes my life a bit confusing now because I’m Irish, I’m sarcastically Latino, and I live in America so I have white privilege. Yeah, I never had that in Ireland. (audience laughing) So quietly confident I caught it here. I know, and that’s kind of ironic if you know your history, ’cause you’ll remember the Irish people when we first got here, we didn’t get the most privileged treatment. But that can get forgotten. If you’re treating history like a Netflix series and you just join in season six, you’d be like, well, it’s going great for the Irish, isn’t it? (audience laughing) Look at them over there with their shamrock shakes and their parades. (audience laughing) They used to be filth, now they have their own Spring Soap. It’s a real rags-to-riches story. It can get easily forgotten when we first came here, there were signs. They said no Blacks, no dogs, no Irish. I dunno what you did if you were a Black Irish dog walker. (audience laughing) You were not coming in. You actually had no immigration laws in America until one group of people turned up, Irish people, and you’re like, well, we gotta do something about these lunatics. And that’s how all your laws got written into being law, and we love seeing laws and finding a creative workaround. That’s kind of what it means to be Irish partially as well. Like, that’s nice. Doesn’t apply to us. We’ll find a creative and potentially fun way to get around those laws, and we did. We just started shagging all of you. All of you. (audience laughing) That’s why many of you are here tonight. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We did it indiscriminately, everybody got it. Black, white, pink, Cuban, Asian, Israeli, Palestinian, even English people. (audience laughing) Oh, we would’ve shagged the Queen if we got to her in time. Oh yeah, and with that strategy, we penetrated the very fabric of American society. We got to the point of 23 US presidents claim Irish heritage. And were so lovely when Obama said, I’m Irish, we all went, yeah, feck it. Why not? Go on. (audience laughing) Yeah, like nobody asked to see his birth certificate, you know? (audience laughing) Yeah, who would do that? That would be crazy. We had a picture of him drinking a pint of Guinness and we were like, well that’s good enough for us, Barack. You know, a lot of people were saying Hussein, we read O’Bama clearly. (audience laughing) It’s in the name, isn’t it? Clearly Irish. (audience laughing) We were delighted about the addition of such a cool character. That’s how we are, we’re a very welcoming country. We are so welcoming, we don’t even have a Chinatown. Yeah, we just let them live with us. (audience laughing) That’s a deep statement. Take your time. (audience laughing) If this woke society that we have that’s a little bit fake at the moment has rubbed off on you, you’ll be triggered right now. You’ll be like, (American Accent) “oh my God, I’m offended right now. I can’t put my finger on exactly why, but I will think about it tomorrow while I’m having a sensible vegan brunch option, and I’ll walk it off. I’ll cover my body in Lululemon merchandise, and I’ll grab my three legged rescue dog Murphy and I’ll just be dragging him along while carrying a four liter indestructible canister of water to stay fully hydrated while I’m listening to Terry Gross on NPR to keep up with issues of diversity, and I will figure out why I’m offended, I will.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I am glad you were here staring at me because we emotionally connected on that one, and sometimes people just knew and she’s like, oh, well that one’s clearly a reference to what he’s interpreting as a fragmented and sub divided society in America that likes to call itself a melting pot, but is realistically more of a charcuterie board. (audience laughing) You know, like it has all these wonderful exotic flavors, and then you keep making it worse by adding too many crackers. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You said it. (audience laughing) It’s a great contrast to Ireland when you think about it because we don’t have, as you rightly nailed on the head there, don’t have a Japan town Korea town, little Italy, Latin Quarter, little Bangladesh, little Armenia, or Chinatown ’cause we’re equally shagging our way into everybody’s family tree. And that’s just brought to you by 23andMe ’cause we are always in your results. (audience laughing) We’re always in there. If there’s no Irish in there, that’s a false negative. Just do it again. You know, treat it like an antigen test and just keep doing it until you get the result you’re expecting. There it is. And no matter where you think you’re from. You could be sitting there and you’re like, I’m definitely Black. And we’d be like, “Are you? Are you really?” (audience laughing) 38% of all African Americans have Irish heritage and that list is fantastic, and includes Colin Powell, Alicia Keys, Beyonce, and Shaquille O’Neill. (audience laughing) I don’t know how you missed that one. That’s a huge example. It’s in the name and everything. Irish and African cultures were so intertwined when we both came to America, that we shagged it out so frequently, together, we invented tap dancing. (audience laughing) Yeah, invented horizontally, done vertically. And that was just through the blending of those cultures, isn’t it? That went on to become jazz music. Irish and and Black culture always a bit connected. It goes all the way back to 1845 if not before when Frederick Douglass escaped slavery, became a famous anti abolitionist and said, I’m gonna go around the world and tell them all to be anti-slavery. I’m going to Ireland for four days. Got there and he went, oh they’re fine. They already know. (audience laughing) Yeah, he said Ireland woke as feck. (audience laughing) Now I’m paraphrasing. He didn’t really say that. I sarcastically inserted the word woke into his mouth because I mean, that’s become a bit of a fuzzy word these days. We don’t even know what it means. Some people like it, some don’t. I think it boils down to being nice, and Irish people we’ve been knocking that outta the park for a while, and Frederick Douglas, what actually he did say was “this is the first time in my life I’ve been treated as a man and not as a color,” and he stayed for four whole months. So, look at that. Irish people just way ahead of the curve on that one. (audience applauding) We’re pretty good. Just a bit of Black history for you ’cause we love it. You have Black history month here in February, we have it in October. So already there are 10% extra Black history in Ireland. (audience laughing) You went short, we went long. That’s what I’m saying. (audience laughing) At any moment, this show could descend into trivia. It is just ’cause I like trivia, but I never know how to feel about it in America ’cause I watch your news and you have two different versions of the truth. So which trivia am I meant to believe? To find out what’s going on in this country, I have to watch the Irish news. (audience laughing) ‘Cause I love a good bit of trivia. Like, Irish people famously friendly, yet slightly sneaky. Yeah, we invented or were central to the invention of the tank, the guided missile, and the submarine. Yet the most damage we ever did America is sending you our priests. (audience laughing) (audience howling) See, that really touched some of you. (audience laughing) Inappropriately. That’s the power of good trivia, ya know? We are connected to every culture. Many Latinos here tonight? (audience cheering) Ooh, I am surrounded. (David speaks Spanish: Vamos a hacer el show en español) seria mill de veces mejor, y dejar los gringos por afuera See, I really committed to learning that language. I love it. I said well I’m in the second largest Spanish speaking country in the world, and I wanted to commit to that language because I didn’t wanna get caught out by some Karen in Whole Foods one day. (audience laughing) You know, they’ll get you, she’ll be like, (American accent) “Oh my God, I saw your little skits online where you identify as a minority group that you are clearly not part of.” And I’ll be like, (Speaking Spanish) Karen, hjpta, . que largse hasta alla (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Oh, that would be very enjoyable, wouldn’t it? You just see her scurrying off to the Tesla to avoid a racial hate storm, and there’s nothing but a trail of confusion and goji berries behind her. When Irish people first came to America and we were like, hello, help us starving refugees. America’s like, all right, but you gotta fight in our war against Mexico. Well, that doesn’t sound like a great plan. Have you got any other programs for the refugees? (audience laughing) Because America always has a program for something, but no they didn’t and we ended up fighting against Mexicans and we were down there and we’re like, jaysus, we like these people. I don’t know why we’re fighting against them at all. We have a lot in common, they’re great fun. And then we saw the deal breaker, Latinas, we’re changing sides. (audience laughing) Yeah, we saw, we were conquered, and we came. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We did, we genuinely changed sides. We became the first country in European history to fight on behalf of Mexico. And that is the longest, yet most historically accurate way to say we also shagged our way into Mexico. (audience laughing) If you know your history of that group, they’re called the San Patricios. There’s a lot of cool things named after them to honor that connection between the two places. There’s a guy called William Langford from Wexford. Most people know him as Zorro. You didn’t know that Zorro was a sneaky Irish dude. The legend of Zorro based on a mildly illegal masked immigrant riding around doing nice things ahead of his time, and he was a skilled swordsman with a blatant disrespect for authority. Definitely Irish. Definitely. (audience applauding) Definitely, and we left a bit more modern evidence. You just go on Google images and you type boxing, and then you add the word Canelo. (audience laughing) And just have a look what comes back at you because you’re gonna see a world and Mexican boxing champion that’s suspiciously red haired. (audience laughing) Pasty white skin covered in freckles and his real name is Barrigan, an Irish name. So if someone could get that man of 23andMe result, we can claim another true champion. (audience laughing) We are connected, those cultures. Do you know where they differ a little bit from Latin people to an Irish people? Latin people are not as sneaky as Irish people. Like, you don’t even… In Spanish, do you know the word for sneaky? Where are me Latinos at? [Audience Member] Picaro. Picaro, they’re not agreeing with that over here. I heard an audible no over here. “sospechosa”. Not really, doesn’t translate. Isn’t this amazing? That’s the diversity we have in Chicago these days where an Irish person is confusing Latinos with their own language. (audience laughing) It’s a bit of a sneaky trivia one because there’s loads of slang words, but there’s no direct translation from English Spanish to the word sneaky. And yeah, it’s fantastically ironic ’cause if you’re Mexican and you’re kinda known for sneaking over the border. (audience laughing) And there’s no word for the thing that you’re doing. (audience laughing) I mean, are you just walking over an arbitrary line in the ground to, you know, visit your family or pick a few strawberries or maybe celebrate Cinco de Mayo? A festival created for you. And Americans are like, Hey man, you snuck in there. You’re like listen, that’s the past tense and irregular verb that I don’t have. (audience laughing) I’m just gonna keep walking until someone buys me a flight to Martha’s Vineyard. (audience laughing) Oh, that was sneaky. I’m just delighted to be here. America one of the most positive places in the world you could ever be based anywhere, and just the opportunity just to talk to people like do this is fantastic ’cause we were without it for a while, and I always didn’t get to do it. When I actually first moved to America, the job I had I came on a diplomatic visa, and one of the first tasks they gave me was organizing the Irish president’s visit to Seattle and Vancouver, which was a huge mistake by someone in a position of authority. (audience laughing) They just overlooked all the red flags you’re seeing here this evening. And there was a guest list to do and they’re like, who’s doing the guest list now? They’re like, you are. And I was like unsupervised. I invited everyone I ever met. I was like. (audience laughing) I was in Seattle and me uncle lived there. He’d moved from Ireland years ago and I forgot he’s so big, he’s 6’5 that he grew up, when he was 17 years old, he drove a mini Cooper from the back. (audience laughing) And he just removed the front seats for extra leg room. So he’s pretty sizable. You’re not gonna miss him, and he got so emotional during the president’s speech and my boss had told me, only C-suite level executives or above. And he worked in the logging industry and I went, well, close enough. (audience laughing) Gotta invite him, can’t miss out on this one. And he got so emotional during the speech he decided to rush the stage that he wanted to hug the president. Yeah, I dunno if you’ve ever watched your career changed live. (audience laughing) It was him moving towards him, oh no. And the Secret Service were there, but they were on low alert because Irish people, we never did it. (audience laughing) It’s a fairly unique group of white people in history where you’re like, well what did they do? We’re like nothing. We’re good actually. And you might correctly say, well, didn’t you blow up some British people? And we’ll be like, yeah, but historically, who hasn’t wanted to do that? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You can’t even invite those fellas to a tea party, can you? But no, we did make one bit of a fauxpas. When Hitler died, only one country sent condolences. Yeah, Ireland. (audience laughing) Yeah, how bad does the prospect of continued British rule have to be that we’re like, well, we better hedge our bets on this one. Somebody send them some flowers and tell ’em we loved his painting. Get ’em over there. But normally, we haven’t done it, whatever it is. And that applied here because they were on low alert. My uncle is moving rapidly towards the podium completely unobstructed. He gets there, grabs the president in a kind of a bear hug and he’s so big she just disappears into his body. My boss elbows me in the ribs and is like, “David, who the feck is that?” I said, “I have no idea.” (audience laughing) And at that moment he kinda leaned forward and was like, “David, get the camera. Get a picture.” Yeah, and that’s why I do comedy now. (audience laughing) I never planned on it. America, I blame Americans. It’s just too supportive with stuff. You can have the worst plan over here and Americans like, “you should try that. That could be a great journey for you. I’d love to see that.” And, you know, you do get the feeling when you move to America that anything’s possible and I got talking to this girl drunk as a monkey on St. Patrick’s Day, and she was kind of waddling towards me in a green shirt and it was made by Bed Bath and Beyond of all places. So pretty classy stuff we’re talking here, and it was a bit controversial. They genuinely were making these because it said on it, everybody loves a drunken Irish slut. That is not true. (audience laughing) Not even Irishmen love drunken Irish sluts. (audience laughing) That’s why we’re here. (audience laughing) For your drunken American ladies. And if we get lucky, maybe we’ll end up in your Bed Bath and Beyond. (audience laughing) But this one, drunk as a monkey, and it was that classic American conversation starter that scares foreigners. Like, what do you do? What’s your job? What do you do? I’m like, all right, take it easy, drunken lady. I didn’t really wanna tell her. So I was like, you know the Antarctic where it’s cold and is ice and snow everywhere? And she’s like, yeah. And I was like, “Because it’s ice and snow everywhere, it can be slippery and they have penguins walking around, loads of penguins. And I was like, sometimes ’cause it’s slippery, the little penguins, well, they fall over. I stand them back up again.” (audience laughing) I didn’t think she was gonna believe that one. I gotta tell you it was a magical moment when she called her friend. She’s like, “Oh my god, Megan, you’re not gonna believe. (audience laughing) The Irish guy, he’s a penguin stander upper.” (audience laughing) I was like, wow, anything is possible in this country. (audience laughing) But everything is accumulation of factors. I had time after that, a friend of mine tragically suffered a spinal cord injury and all his American friends were rallying around to do fundraisers for him to get him back on his feet. And they kind of rubbed off on me and I was like, oh, I wanna get involved here. What can I do? And they’re like, oh, could you host an event for us? You love talking, you’re always talking. I’m like, no, no, this was long before I’d ever did comedy. I was like, I’m afraid of public speaking. Actually most Irish people hate it, I’m no different. I hate public speaking. For me, it’s actually a crippling fear. And he said, I’m in a wheelchair, you dildo. (audience laughing) I was like, you’re right there. You have a fair point. It’s not a crippling fear. I’m gonna have to try and get over this. That is a terrible phrase. And so I started trying to do it and I started doing comedy. We ended up doing a fundraiser, we kept it going for years, and I ended up going down a bit of a rabbit hole of trying to raise money for people with spinal cord injuries because of our friend who was affected by it. And I was trying to be all business cool, you know, from what I learned with the government sending emails, you write kind regards all the time, don’t you? Like some days you’re being lazy and you’re like, I don’t need to be kind today. Just regards kind of a day. (audience laughing) Unfortunately, I’m dyslexic and every time I wrote the word regards, I put a T instead of a G. Some of you way better at spelling than I am, and I was not writing regards anymore. It was re, all right, but it was not regards. And sometimes I just dropped kind and went re not-gards to people with spinal cord injuries for two whole years. Nobody brought this to my attention in two year period. And now we live in a society where they’re like, that word’s not acceptable anymore. And I’m like, I fully agree. The only problem is I have documented evidence that I used this word. (audience laughing) I wanted just a hole to open in the ground and just disappear into it and I was like, I’m never making a mistake like this again. ‘Cause when you’re dyslexic you make a lot of them, and I was like, I can’t make one again. And a friend of mine sent me a message. He said, I know you’re thinking about moving to Los Angeles. Do you want to try out apartment here for a month totally for free, blah, blah, blah, something about a cat. And yeah, I’d lived in America long enough to know that free is my price point. (audience laughing) I didn’t need to read anymore, and that was a bit of an error of judgment because my companion in his apartment was Doug the psychopathic cat, and Doug had some interesting hobbies. His main one was pouncing from the darkness and stabbing me. (audience laughing) Oh, he loved a bit of stabbing. Any exposed piece of skin was fair game. He was just drawn to exposed skin, and I’d even give him a bit of neck and he just out the corner. What the hell’s this cat hanging there like Alex Honnold just hanging off a cliff face. Free Soloing off my ear lobes. I was like, this can’t get any worse, and then it did ’cause I got COVID about four weeks before it was fashionable. And because your US medical system is so crap, I had no idea what was going on with me, and I’ve lived in America long enough that I know you guys are great at turning a negative into a positive. So I always try and put the positive on something, and it is with the medical system. It’s equally one of the only countries in the whole world that you can just go online and diagnose yourself and prescribe yourself medical marijuana for fairly questionable medical reasons. (audience laughing) And you can get that delivered to you by a socially awkward person on or in an electrical vehicle, and then you just add Chunky Monkey ice cream and you’re like, whoo, I am better already. (audience laughing) I don’t even remember what was wrong with me in the first place, and that was the treatment I was doing with myself. And I was there locked with this cat, and unfortunately, the bathroom was separated from the bedroom by a hallway. So to get to the toilet, I had to run the gauntlet of Doug the psychopath. Yeah, and I dunno, now obviously diarrhea, it’s disgusting and who wants to talk about bodily functions ever. But it was a bit of a part of COVID now, and you’ll know if you really need to go and you haven’t got control, the preparation for going does not happen when you get to the actual bathroom. The minute you hear something funky, you’re running and you’re already dropping the pants. I was outta the door and I was in preparation mode, and that was a huge error of judgment. I was like, how can I make diarrhea and COVID worse? I’m just gonna add a short-haired tabby hanging off my private parts like a furry kettlebell dragging along behind me. I didn’t think it could get any worse, and the only respite I got from Doug was to barricade myself in the bedroom into what i thought was safety. But I forgot the little nut job used to love eyeing up the little quarter inch gap under the door, and I grew up with cats. I never had a cat do this. He’d just lie on his back and he’d just slide in under like a mechanic going in underneath a car, and he’d extend his little psychopath paws in under the door and just start playing an imaginary air piano just all night long doing his best Stevie Wonder impression from the darkness. I didn’t see his cat size claws for 14 days. I didn’t even know quarantine was a thing, but that was my quarantine. I finally escaped from that into the month of March (2020), and that was the first march in history that Corona Trumped Guinness. (audience laughing) Irish people did not see that one coming along with a lot of the rest of the world, but now I had a bit more time on my hands than was expected ’cause I couldn’t hang around with you lovely people. So I said, you know what? I’ve been hearing about Game of Thrones for ages, and I have all this medical marijuana for non-medical reasons. I’m just gonna combine the few of these and just see how it goes for awhile. And I was so stoned watching Game of Thrones that I started making correlations that clearly are not reality. (audience laughing) I decided Jon Snow, the main character, was the history of the Irish in America. (audience laughing) I dunno how I’m the only one seeing this, but every episode he’s talking about the weather. Every episode. Winter is always coming for Jon over there. At the start, everybody thought he was a bastard, didn’t they? And then they didn’t like him at all and they forced him to defend the walls that he had nothing to do with building, and fight against people that he had no beef with whatsoever. Sound familiar, Latinos? And they’d point out groups to him and say, Jon there the Wildlings over there. We don’t like that group of people and he’d be like, “Ah, I kinda like ’em. I specifically like that red-haired one over there.” (audience laughing) He had shagged her within a couple of episodes in a cave. And in doing so, united those groups of previously fighting people, and it’s just from shagging. And then of he went south and they said, Jon, we don’t like that group here either. They’re the Targarians. And he said, well same thing again for me, I kinda like one of them. There’s a good looking one over there. And they’re like, Jon, she’s so feisty. She has a fire breathing dragon. That’s pretty Latina when you think about it. And then he shagged her, didn’t he? And he united those tribes, and then they dug up more information. They said, Jon, we’re starting to like you. We did some research. One little thing, you’re not a bastard anymore. We know who your family is. You’re currently shagging your auntie. Yeah, you might wanna stop that. And he’s like, no, I gotta unite the tribes. I’ll keep going. And he did, and he brought ’em all together and now they’re all together. They love him so much that they decided we gotta make Jon the king, and in the end they gave him back the one thing he always wanted the most, the North, which is pretty representative of the Irish issue when you think about it. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You might be rightly asking, how long did he waste of his life to come up with that one? And that was 70 hours and 14 minutes. Oh man, and then when I ran out TV, I ended up like a lot of the world, you do a bit of scrolling on TikTok. It just came out and you’re like, ooh, what can I find here? And I was delighted I did because I found this beautiful 21 year old Black girl from Virginia called Morgan Bullock, and she was doing Irish dancing to Megan Thee Stallion music. The greatest thing I’ve ever seen. That’s our national dance, but with natural rhythm. (audience laughing) We’ve been missing that for a while. And somehow we got famous, despite the obvious handicaps for natural rhythm for dancing. We commercialized it, we created a show called “Riverdance,” sold out to 25 million people around the world despite only moving from the waist down in an in and out gyrating shagging motion. And then you’re shocked when we end up in your 23andMe results. I thought this dancing is fantastic. Let me enter the chat and just have a look and read the comments. It must be very nice. And all of a sudden it wasn’t. And they all said the same thing. “Oh my god, that’s cultural appropriation.” Yeah, some Becky in Berkeley, California who couldn’t get an acai bowl for breakfast that morning, and was angry at the internet about who knows what on behalf of a country that she wasn’t from. There was a lot of them. All the comments came from one particular country. You might know it ’cause we’re here now. (audience laughing) None of them were from Ireland because we know that you cannot appropriate Irish culture. You can appropriate other cultures, but not Irish culture. It’s impossible. 35 million Americans claim Irish heritage. Between 50 and 80 million people around the world identify as Irish. That means we’re the largest per capita diaspora in the whole world, and we only have 5 million people in Ireland. (audience laughing) You Americans, you love joking about an Irish goodbye and an Irish exit. Clearly, we’re not pulling out. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We are in there ’til the end. But there was all these negative comments all of a sudden all from the same thing. Now luckily, entered the chat, the half Indian gay leader of Ireland. Because while you’re talking about diversity, we’ve been living the brand and, you know, stereotypes are a bit of a thing sometimes. So when I say over here we had half Indian gay leader of Ireland, they’d be like, “oh my god, you had an affluent Indian man in charge of your country? I bet he was a doctor. Those people are always doctors.” I’m like, yeah, he was a doctor, and his dad was a doctor, and it was a pretty good time to double down on doctors during a global pandemic. In contrast to your rather interesting leadership choices. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I mean, I don’t wanna cite probability, but one of those leaders way less likely to grab you by the pssy, you know? (audience laughing) I’m pretty sure that was our half Indian gay dude. They’d be like, go on grab her by it. No, no, no. Good, you’re in charge now. (audience laughing) ‘Cause if you wanna shut up a bunch of predominantly white people getting angry about cultural appropriation, which we know can’t be done against Ireland, and you wanna silence them, there’s nothing more effective than a brown faced gay dude who’s the leader of a predominantly white country in the past to enter the chat and say, shut the feck up. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) That’s… I’m paraphrasing there. He wanted to keep his job so he said it in a nicer way. He said, “Morgan, well done. We love your dancing so much so you should come over for St. Patrick’s Day to Ireland and dance.” And she said yes, and this young girl flew over to Ireland and they did a radio interview with her, and unknown to anyone, they had a surprise caller during that interview. And the guy called in, he said, “Hey Morgan, head of “Riverdance” here. We’d love you to be the first Black dancer in the 25 year history of “Riverdance. What do you say?” And she said, yes. The best part of that story by a mile is that her first ever show in America as a Black Irish Riverdancer was in Salt Lake City, Utah. (audience laughing) Was right there Under the Banner of Heaven. (audience laughing) We had a young Black American lady helping to shag our way into the very fabric of Mormon society and God, that is Cultural Appreciation, isn’t it? Which is a much better term. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) It’s a good one. (audience applauding) A really cool story though, and if you get a chance to see her doing Riverdance, she’s on tour the moment. Go see it. But I was at a stage where I was like, you know, I was wasting my life basically. I watched “Game of Thrones,” now I’m TikTok scrolling away, I survived Doug the cat, but I’m not doing any productive. And a friend of mine’s like, “Would you not take some of your little comedy videos and throw them on the internet? Sure no one’s gonna see them anyway.” Yeah, that worked out a bit better than I thought, to be honest. ‘Cause my negative Irish self, and that is our natural demeanor, I was like, this is not gonna, what a waste of time. I hate social media to be honest. I never had any public social media really with any effort until two and a half years ago, and it took Americans to show me the positive of something I always thought was negative. And I was very glad you did because I got into a bit of trouble a few months after I started doing it. And I said something in Pittsburgh, that I don’t believe to be controversial at all. I said, and you might have heard me saying it, Irish people have no white guilt. None, and it’s due to a revolutionary strategy we had where we had potatoes in the ground and we all went, feck it, let’s pick ’em ourselves. (audience laughing) Over here. You, over here. Yeah, I’m not explaining that joke again, okay? (audience laughing) Yeah, if you don’t get that joke, you are the problem. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) But I was in the hotel that night after the show and I was heavily medicated for non-medical reasons, and I was eating ice cream in bed. I had a pot of Chunky Monkey and I had no challenges in the world at that moment outside of hand-eye coordination ’cause oh, I was so stoned I couldn’t get the spoon to my mouth anymore, and I could find the little lumps of fudge but I was basically flicking them over my shoulder. And chunk by chunk, I was turning the hotel room into a crime scene, and I just I was basically snorting fudge at one moment ’cause I just gave up on the spoon and I was like, I’m going in here. I’m like a horse into a feed bag of ice cream. And I dunno if you’ve ever been that messed up late at night and thought to yourself, you know what? This is a fantastic time for me to check my work email. (audience laughing) Yeah, I was like, oh I’m in tiptop condition right now. Let me just get a jumpstart on the working week right now. Oh, I was just lying stoned out my face with the little light, you know, on your face in the darkness with me fudge covered fingers scrolling away. And I was lucky I did because this message I saw kinda shocked me into a bit of sobriety. And it said, “You might be in a bit of trouble. Somebody badly misinterpreted something you said tonight. Click this link.” And it was a link to a TikTok video and I clicked it and the cover of the video said, Racist Irish comedian jokes about cotton picking. I said, well that’s definitely me. (audience laughing) Yeah, I looked at the view count. There was a hundred thousand views on this video. It’d only be up a couple of hours, and it was over 400 comments and they were all saying the same thing. Who is the racist? Where’s the racist? Where can we find him? I was so stoned, I entered the chat. (audience laughing) I said, I know where he is. He’s in a hotel room right now covered in ice cream. He had no idea he was a racist. This is a huge moment in his life right now, and it’s a big discovery. And to make things worse, he’s right now covered in an involuntary ice cream brown face. (audience laughing) Yeah, oh, I was just sitting there like a Canadian prime minister. (audience laughing) It was a PR disaster waiting to happen, and in a moment of clarity, I was like well geez, what am I gonna do? I nearly laid an egg, I’d never been that nervous in my life, and I was like, ooh, I have a little video from tonight actually. I can post what I actually said and feck it, I’m going to sleep and when I wake up tomorrow, it’ll be interesting at least. (audience laughing) And I know that doesn’t sound like a good strategy, and it wasn’t but I got a bit lucky I didn’t know with social media ’cause I’m such an idiot with it that when strangers write to you as a stranger, they don’t expect you to write back. Yeah, they’d be writing to me. “Hello, David’s team.” And I’m like, team? This fella can’t even work a spoon. There is no team. I am the I in this team. Like, there’s no way it’s you writing back. I’m like, no, those regards are all for you. I just… (audience laughing) Yeah, I just can’t spell. I didn’t mean it, but that’s a mark of authenticity. Just give ’em a love heart to try and make up for it. And so I didn’t know you’re not meant to write back. I’ve been writing back, I’ve been treating strangers like pen pals for about two and a half years. So you’re like, well you should come to Chicago and do a show and I’ll be like, yeah, well and here I am. That’s kind of how that works. (audience applauding) Hey, thanks. Well, thank you very much. I didn’t know there was any other way, but I guess because it was during lockdown and everything when it started, I guess it built up a little bit of goodwill. And when I was so heavily medicated that I couldn’t use words to defend myself, which is the one thing I meant to be okay at, given my current occupation, all these people started arguing on my behalf. When I woke up in the morning, they’d won. (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience applauding) This lady had fully retracted her statement, deleted the video, and made a public apology. And I was like, wow, that’s the world we really should live in, that I could go to bed totally racist and wake up totally cured. Like it never happened. So if you were one of those people that kicked into action on my behalf, thank you very much. I really needed you. That’s the core part of looking at everything positive I suppose, ’cause Americans, you are genuinely some of the happiest people in the world. You really are and you should be because you’re taking two thirds of the world’s antidepressants. (audience laughing) Yeah, you’re just going around with the Adderall fueled spirit of Ted Lasso running through your veins. Yeah, it really brings out your inner Trader Joe’s worker. (audience laughing) We’re not like that in Ireland. Ironically, my last name is Nihill, and that’s my real name as in nihilism, which among many other things means extreme pessimism. And I got that name from my dad and it’s ironic ’cause he is the most positive person I think I’ve ever met. Nothing gets him down, and a few years back he got diagnosed with cancer and on receipt of the diagnosis from the doctor, he looked so upbeat that the doctor was taken back and he’s like, “Mr. Nihill, I don’t think you realize the severity of the problem you have.” And my dad said, “I don’t have a problem. I just gave it to you.” (audience laughing) It was a pretty good strategy. He didn’t worry about it at all and a few years later, no more cancer anymore. Never came back to this day. I don’t think he ever worried about it for a minute. (audience laughing) That was great. Thank you. (audience applauding) He got a thing a wee bit later that many of our families are affected by sometimes and some of yours might be here tonight. Macular degenerative disease where your eyesight begins to rapidly deteriorate. He didn’t let it stop him at all. He’s like, “David, I’m off to renew me driver’s license.” (audience laughing) I dunno if that’s a great plan. And one thing played to his advantage that always happens to us as Irish people when we move to America. You get a really warm reception here, which is fantastic and American’s normally take a minute or two but you always know it’s coming where they’re like, “Oh my God, you’re Irish? Do you know my friend Brian Murphy? (audience laughing) He’s also Irish.” We’re like oh, I cannot wait to not know Brian Murphy. (audience laughing) It happened me with a guy called Dave Ryan in San Francisco. My friends were like, “Oh my God you’re from Dublin? My buddy Dave Ryan’s from Dublin. You guys are gonna know each other for sure.” And I’m like, dude, it’s 1.5 million people in Dublin. It’s statistically improbable. Then I met him and I was like, “Oh feck, Dave. I haven’t seen you in ages.” (audience laughing) To make it even more stereotypical, we worked in the same bar together in Ireland. (audience laughing) And his cousins live next to my auntie and uncle in a rural field in the middle of nowhere. There’s like 20 houses, and they just happened to live next door to each other. And it kind of played to my dad’s advantage a bit, the small world nature of Ireland ’cause when he went to renew the driver’s license, he walked in and he was all nervous and straight away the guy’s like, “Oh, Pat Nihill, haven’t seen you in years.” And oh he’s like, “What are you here for?” Oh, to renew it, and how’s your eyesight? My dad said, “It’s not great, to be honest.” And the man went, “Well, I tell you Pat, would you you see a bus if it drove past you?” (audience laughing) Yeah, my dad went, “Oh feck yeah, definitely.” And he went, “Good man, Pat. Three more years. Go on. (audience applauding) On your way.” (audience applauding) I dunno where he drove to, but he drove somewhere. A week later, God love him, he entered a golf competition. He loves golf and he entered a golf competition against people who could actually see their balls. (audience laughing) Yeah, and at one moment he pulled back the club and he went to hit the ball with all his force, and it exploded because it was a mushroom. (audience laughing) He wasn’t deterred by this whatsoever. He actually came second in that competition. (audience laughing) It was his highest finish in 15 years. And he was so excited about the whole confusion mushroom incident that he grabbed his 82 year old giggling friend and went back the next day to recreate the moment on video. He literally just voluntarily blew up a mushroom all over his own nut bag, and his friend videoed it and they did giggled like teenagers and then emailed it to me and went, “David, will this go viral on TikTok or what?” (audience laughing) Legend. He loved golf but I went, you know, golf is obviously hugely popular in Ireland. I got forced into some of the more extreme sports when I started traveling around the world, especially here in America. They love just doing unnecessary outdoor crazy stuff and I said, well I’ll try that. I started off with wakeboarding. Have you ever done that? It’s where they drag you behind the back of a boat like a modern day Red Bull sponsored extreme Jesus, and they waste as much gasoline as humanly possible. Yeah, it would’ve been fun, I suspect, but I didn’t really get to fully live it at the time initially because you’re just meant to pop up outta the water and slide across the top of the water. That’s it. I didn’t pop up at all. I just got dragged underwater like a leaky human submarine. It was dragging me around in figures of eight underwater with just water going in one hole and out the other. Yeah, it was like a high speed clonic irrigation, and I tell you wakeboarding one thing to know if you don’t stand up, it quickly becomes waterboarding. Yeah, Americans are great at that as well. (audience applauding) Not your fault. Spanish invented it, you perfected it, we never did it. That’s just a trivia cycle to that one. But I was so bad at wakeboarding that I jumped off the back of the boat at one moment, looked at my knee and part of it was missing, and it was all blood in the water and it was around the time in that flesh eating bacteria. Do you remember that was a thing in America and around the world before we moved onto COVID and forgot that flesh eating bacteria was a thing? Yeah, and they thought I might lose my knee and I ended up in hospital. My leg grew swelled so big it just kept bigger and bigger, and they start pumping you full of Vancomycin. And if you know anything about your drugs in America, you’ll know Vancomycin is the drug of last resort. When they give you this, the medical system basically saying eh, we don’t know. It’s a bit like the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) It’s like go on, take this, keep us posted. Maybe mix it with something down the road. And I say that as someone who took the Johnson and Johnson vaccine in Miami in Spanish ’cause we’re pretty sneaky, and that was the only way I could get it at that time. But I ended up, I was pretty compromised in hospital and they wouldn’t let me out unless I had full-time medical care, which when you combine comedy and your insurance system, well, that was not gonna work out well. My mother had been a nurse her whole life and I couldn’t think of anyone better to ask to look after me. The only problem was she hadn’t traveled in like 20 years. I had to call her from San Francisco back to Ireland, and I was like ma’am, I really need you. Any chance you’d come over? And she’s like, “Absolutely, David, I’ll be over. Now I don’t know anything about flights or the internet or any of that carry on. I haven’t really been anywhere in about 20 years, but feck it, I’ll get back to you. I’ll figure it out. Don’t you worry about a thing.” Yeah, didn’t hear from her until the next day. She’s like, “David, I went to the bank. I met a beautiful Brazilian girl down there. She knew about the internet. Have the tickets. I’ll be over tomorrow. Thank God for the immigrants, huh?” (audience laughing) I don’t know if you know, nice little bit of trivia that Brazilian Portuguese is actually the fourth most spoken language in Ireland at the moment. Rapidly moving towards third most spoken language, and it’s kind of a very reflective immigration policy we had where we looked at ourselves in the mirror and we went, well Jaysus, we get sunburn pretty easily, don’t we? And we have no natural rhythm and, you know, we’re not exactly sexual icons and we haven’t qualified for the World Cup of football (soccer-yuk) in years. Brazilians, yes, yes, Brazilians. (audience applauding) How many is too many? Never. Keep it going. We’ve got loads of room. We used to have 8 million people in Ireland. We don’t even have five point something million now. So that’s room for a lot of Brazilians if you need them. And I’m totally fine with that, but I was very grateful of it. Me ma’am basically arrived the next day and it was funny ’cause it’s Irish people we take so long to get used to the rules in America. Like when we move here as foreigners you have to adjust to Americans’ love of the rules. You love the rules. We have ’em in all our countries, but they’re guidelines. (audience laughing) You know, you apply logic and you go your own way, and you can really see love of the rules if you participate or watch any American sport. You love it, the commentary is 90% about the rules, and the rest of the time is just whatever the athletes tend to be doing. I was watching the World Cup and they’re like here, “What have we got going on here, Ryan? Well, there was a foul in the box. It’s gonna be a PK. And what’s a PK for the viewers at home? A PK is a violation inside the box.” And for the rest of us in the world, Piqué is a Spanish player who used to shag Shakira, and then he strayed outside the box and that was a huge violation. (audience laughing) Confusing. But I didn’t know any of these rules until Americans dragged me mountain biking, and it will happen you. If you live in one of your predominantly white areas in America, four guys called Chad, Chip, Ryan, Carl, it’s normally a kind of four letter fraternity name, will turn up outside your house at about 8:00 AM on a Saturday morning while you’re trying to be hungover, masturbate, procreate, anything more productive than what they want you to do. They’ve got bicycles that are worth more than your car, and potentially house, and you can’t just join them. You have to first eat Goo packets and Clif Bars to sustain a false sense of sugar fueled enthusiasm to commute unnecessarily to a place you don’t need to be to do a thing you don’t need to do all while dressed as a ballerina. Very confusing. (audience laughing) Very confusing. I didn’t know it was called single track mountain biking and it’s where there’s only room for one mountain bike, and I didn’t know that Americans decided the person coming up the hill has the right of way. I didn’t know that, I was coming down the hill at speed. I was having a great time. I was like a dog hanging out of a car window. I was really enjoying it to be honest, and I was quietly confident the rules were on my side ’cause I was using gravity. (audience laughing) Yeah, technically a law for the Isaac Newton fans in the room. And the guy coming towards me, he thought the rules were gonna save him and that’s a classic American mistake right there. (audience laughing) Oh, you guys make it all the time. You’ll take some dude called Billy Ray in Alabama, and you’ll be like, “hey, that’s Billy Ray. He left high school at 11 years old, never actually read a book in his life, Billy Ray. Look at him there, he’s got his dungarees on backwards. He’s been surviving on nothing but Coors light and corn syrup. Billy Ray, would you like a firearm, huh?” (audience laughing) “It’ll be fine. He’s gonna follow the rules, aren’t you Billy Ray? Oh, yeah.” That’s not gonna work out for anybody. That’s what’s playing out here, but it’s just in mountain biking terms because it’s classic power versus authority. The only problem is authority only goes one way, downhill. You can’t use authority on your boss. It only goes one way. I’m coming down the hill, I have all the power, I am an idiot and a liability, but I have all the power simply because I have an outta control lump of steel supposedly under my control. And that is pretty representative of American society right there sometimes. (audience applauding) You can see it coming. This is no happy ending in that moment, and there wasn’t. And I knew this guy was American coming towards me ’cause he looked way too happy. (audience laughing) Oh, he was just an explosion of enthusiasm. It was like somebody combined 4-Hour Energy, Red Bull, and Viagra and gave it to a life coach on their birthday. (audience laughing) I couldn’t tell you what exactly what was going on in his mind, but if I had to guess it’d be like, “oh my God, I’m having the perfect day right now. There isn’t a cloud in the sky. I’ve never maintained such a speed at such an elevation game before. I could even be in a flow state right now. This could be a personal best for me. I can’t wait to get home and share it with my online community on Strava.” (audience laughing) Oh, I just crashed right into this fella, I took all the happiness off his face, and I could feel the Goo packets exploding on impact, and the peanut butter Clif Bars flying through the air. Oh, I smashed him. I took all the happiness off his face, and I hit him so hard, the two bikes got intertwined and my hand went through the crossbar and got locked there covered in blood stuck on his lycra clad testy satchel. His little Lululemon nut bag was in my hand. And I dunno if you’ve ever got your hand stuck somewhere, but you rock it. That is the technique. You always rock it. Oh, now I was arousing all the wrong forms of suspicion, and I went for an extra bit of leverage. Huge error of judgment. The excitement in his face only multiplied and I was like, Jaysus, now we’re more than strangers on a trail. How did I get into this? This is gonna be a negative online review somewhere. And it was real awkward ’cause we ended up just locked in this Mexican standoff, which is ironic. Mexicans smart enough not to be mountain biking in the first place. And I finally yanked me hand outta there, and we end up staring each other and he could have said anything. And there’s a moment of silence and he’s like, “Do you not know the rules?” (audience laughing) I was like, “Listen Carl, the rules are not gonna save you in this situation.” Okay, I shouldn’t even have a mountain bike. Billy Ray definitely shouldn’t have a firearm. So yeah, if you can get my hand off your nut sack, we can get out there, use logic, and make your country great again. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Yeah, that’s why I don’t do mountain biking anymore. But that was a bit of a long way to say, Americans love the rules. My mom shattered them the minute she came, she wasn’t even in America an hour and a half and they got to the hospital or she got to the hospital and was like, visiting hours are over. Feck they are, my son is in there. Straight in, no regard for visiting hours whatsoever, and we ended up all of a sudden in very close proximity ’cause they let me out only if she’d look after me, and we’re sitting in my house and we haven’t really lived around each other in a place different from my home in Ireland for years. Never been around that close, and and outta nowhere when she finally got comfortable after a few days, she was like, “David, do you have any of those cannabis cookies?” (audience laughing) I was like, “I do, I have loads of them actually.” And I fed her two, which was twice the recommended dosage and a grave error of judgment for getting your mother stoned for her first edible experience at 74 years old. And I know the problem was this was before COVID, so I wasn’t a weed professional yet because to be honest, I don’t like drugs. I’ve never liked drugs, but I love chocolate, and you Americans keep putting drugs in chocolate. Yeah, and then when you eat the drug chocolate, the regular chocolate tastes way better. Before you know it, you’re just in this chocolate consumption cycle. You’re literally like a stoned hamster lying at the bottom of the wheel watching the world go by until one day you wake up covered in chunky monkey ice cream in the middle of a racial hate storm on TikTok and you’re like, how did I get here? (audience applauding) Anyway, I got me mom stoned out of her ahead. Now if you know anything about Irish people, we take secrets to the grave, but that’s not the case on twice the recommended dosage. Oh, did she turn into a chatty Cathy all of a sudden. She’s like, David outta nowhere, “What do you think of gay marriage?” I said, what? And she’s like, nothing new to me, you know? I was the first lesbian in Ireland to get married in 1970. (audience laughing) Yeah, I was like, “Does dad happen to know about this?” Says it was his fecking fault. I said, “Please continue.” She’s like, “Well your dad couldn’t find his feckin birth certificate on the morning of the wedding. Now luckily we had his dead sister, Patricia’s.” I said, “Just hold on a second there, that’s big news. I never knew about that.” And she’s like, “Yeah, don’t worry about it. Your dad had a dead sister. She died when she was two. Not central here to the story.” (audience laughing) Yeah, I’m like that’s sounding pretty central to me ma’am, but okay. She’s like, “Well we couldn’t find Patrick’s birth certificate, but we had his sister, Patricia’s, and I didn’t wanna cancel that wedding. And the whole town knew the priest didn’t have the best eyesight. So technically and legally I’m married to your dad’s dead sister. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) That’s a lot to unpack, isn’t it? And she just kind of moved on lovely from that as if it wasn’t a thing. Now she dropped one other crazy bit of information. I’ll tell you in a sec but the next morning she woke up and she had a new lease on life and she wanted to do walking for no reason, and that’s a bit representative of your elderly American people ’cause you’re out there with your snowshoes and you’re hiking poles, just walking up stuff for no apparent reason, right? Irish people not like that. If you take an elderly Irish person and you put them somewhere, that’s where they’re gonna be. (audience laughing) They live there now. But not her, the weed cookies gave her a bit of new lease of life and we’re in San Francisco and she’s like, “David, I think I’ll go for a walk to the Golden Gate Bridge.” I was like, “Well Jaysus, that’s kind of far. I suppose it’s downhill. Go on. Feck it. Why not? Give it a go.” (audience laughing) She did not come back for eight hours. (audience laughing) When she finally kicked in the door, came in, and I was lying on the couch with me leg elevated trying to get better with it. And she was like a giggling teenager. She said, “Oh David, look at these” Lululemon pants (audience laughing) Yeah, she kinda kicked out the hip and was like, “All the girls are wearing them. Does it make ass my look good?” It’s like, you haven’t even got an ass anymore. That thing’s like a bag of porridge back there. (audience laughing) She was having a great old time and couple of days in when I start getting better, she’s like, “David, I might give you a bit of space. I’ll go visit your uncle up in Seattle.” You know, the big fellow who hugged the president. Yeah, she goes up there, called me a day later, she’s like, “David, you’re not gonna believe where I am. I’m on a wakeboarding boat.” I said, there is no way you’re wakeboarding. She’s like, “Oh God, no, I’m not wakeboarding.” No, I have another thing. (Calling out) Rory, what’s it called? “I have a bong, David. (audience laughing) Oh, I am stoned out of my head. And your auntie’s here with me. I’m getting her stoned.” Oh, Jesus, my auntie used to be a nun. She married a priest. I don’t even know how that happened. (audience laughing) My mom started corrupting the whole family and after she nursed me back to health, she went away back to Ireland and I’ll never forget the message she sent me. It was lovely. It said, “David, I know we’re mother and son but now it feels like we’re friends.” Yeah, and I remember reading it going, this is a blue message. This is an iMessage? Did you get an iPhone? (audience laughing) Yeah, she’s like, yeah, goes well with me Lululemon pants. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Smiley face and everything. Well, she went back home and she was corrupting the way the family. God love my uncle got Parkinson’s disease, and none of the traditional medication was working. And my mother being a newfound West coast hippie, have we tried any alternatives here? Maybe a bit of CBD oil or something. So I dunno what they were doing to him, but at one moment the little old ladies were over for tea and they were in that corner and my uncle was in his chair ’cause that’s where they left him. (audience laughing) And he stood up at one moment and they were like, well where’s he off to? And he was shaking a bit and they’re like, oh, he’s gonna fall. And he started falling, my auntie tried to get to him in time but she didn’t make it. He started falling on top of my auntie. My mother kicked into action. Obviously the nurse in her jumped up, didn’t make it in time. My uncle fell on my auntie, and the two of them fell on my mother and broke her leg. Yeah, and my uncle was just lying there smiling ear to ear. No idea what was going on. And the little old ladies were mortified ’cause he was pretty much dead weight They couldn’t move him so they had to go in and get the next door neighbor to help, and he was famously a bit of a smart ass with a good sense of humor on him. She came in and he’s like, “Well Jesus, if this fella’s going out, he’s going out with a bang.” (audience laughing) Look at him, ex priest lying on top of two sisters, huh? They’ll be talking about this one in the town.” My mam was so mortified by this whole scenario that she lied to me and she said she broke her leg when she fell off the back step of the house getting some firewood, and I only know the real story ’cause Dave Ryan from San Francisco, his cousin lived next door. That was the guy. (audience applauding) We are always connected. (audience applauding) Yeah, we really are. But there was one, the part I enjoyed the most about this is there was a bit of a tangent to the story that my mother added before she went off on her wander to Golden Gate bridge the night before. And as immigrants in America or anywhere in the world, we usually have one thing in common. Someone in our families was illegal at some stage. They might not be talking about it. They might be here now keeping it on the quiet. Just with my family, I didn’t know it was my mother. Yeah, until I got her slightly stoned. So it turned out when I was a kid, she used to work as a nurse in New York and come over and back and send the family money, and she disappear for a few months and come back again. And I just thought she missed her kids, which I’m sure she did, but it was more actually she was coming home ’cause she was being thrown out in various manners, or sneaking back in again on a different visa, or not overstaying something. Now and you know tonight I told you Irish people were sneaky buggers. I dunno if you know we have Irish names. So my name in English, David Nihill, in Gaelic Irish, Daithi O’Nihill. And to your immigration system, that’s a whole new person. (audience laughing) We’ve been using that one for a few years, and my mother definitely was. And then she’d used up all these kinda little tricks, and she’s there telling me about it and she’s like, “David, I was kind of outta options and I was at a point where geez I just needed another passport and I’d used everything I knew and sure, I was thinking Jaysus, that day and age to get a passport at that time you only really needed an extra birth certificate. Yeah, I had an extra one of those lying around, didn’t I?” Back from the grave. (audience laughing) This is a lot to unpack and some of you will figure it out at different moments and that’s okay. That’s what happened to me, ’cause she just went on to the next part, and it turned out she was working in New York at one moment in time as a nurse nursing back to health a particular lady of interest who’d fallen and broken her hip. That lady was Donald Trump’s mother. Yeah, my mother as an illegal immigrant. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Was nursing back to health the mother of a guy competing on an anti illegal immigration mandate while traveling on the passport of a dead two year old. (audience laughing) Who she was also in an involuntary lesbian relationship with. (audience applauding) If that isn’t the most Irish American, potentially Latino, sneaky, maybe woke potentially gay story you’ve ever heard as brought to you by your US medical system, I don’t know what is. Thank you very, very, very, very much. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Thank you. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Thank you. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Listen, you might be asking yourself these stories sound a bit bonkers. Was this fella just taken all of the weed himself and making them up? Especially in the case of my mother’s one, it sounds so outlandish. You’ll be like, is that true? And I’ll say for legal reasons, allegedly, it’s true. And also she warned me “you better not tell anyone about this feckin story, David.” She was pretty clear on that. So allegedly it happened. I dunno, you make up your own mind. But just so I’m off the hook, but I would love to show you one or two little characters before we get outta here ’cause I’m thinking it’s always nice to visualize something if you’re like, oh, I wonder did that actually happen? Have a look and see if you recognize this fella, or who he might be. (audience laughing) That’s Doug the psychopath. And he looks all cute, doesn’t he? And that is the definition of cat fishing when he got me. His little claws are already sticking out ready to go. And the reason I wanna share with you that is we live in a society where we’ve never processed so much information at a speed we’re not really capable of processing. So sometimes we miss things and in my case, that multiplies when you add being and a moron and dyslexic ’cause I had all the information I needed right here. This is the message my friend sent me about his lovely cat. “Just to give you a heads up though, he’s still a kitten and spent at least a couple of months on the street before we found him. He’s just been fixed, which seems to have calmed him down, but he does sometimes play with people by biting their wrists and ankles or pouncing from the darkness.” (audience laughing) “It’s never too violent and it’s never angry, and he’s mostly a sweetheart but just wanted to let you know that before you agreed to spend time in the house with him.” (audience laughing) Yeah, and like an idiot I wrote back, “Ha, no worries. Much appreciated.” (audience applauding) I had all the information I needed, and this really did happen to me working on the Irish President’s mission, and that is the only time you’ll ever see me in a suit. And that is Mary McAleese, one of the 21 years of female presidents we’ve had while you’re still thinking about it. (audience applauding) Might be time. (audience applauding) Now obviously I’ve called America home for a long time, and I love living here so I don’t wanna be too sarcastic. You have made great progress recently. You got a Black little mermaid. (audience applauding) And that was huge for you as a country. I mean, very divisive initially, but you pull together and you work through it. And meanwhile while you were doing that, we found a Nigerian lady and we made her mayor of the town of Longford in Ireland, and she never had to identify as a fish or anything. (audience laughing) Just straight to a senior leadership position. But you keep telling us about being diverse, and maybe we’ll catch up. And that sounds a little bit stabby but feck it, I’ve lived here long enough and you said “if you see something, say something.” (audience applauding) (audience laughing) But my boss hated me so much over this uncle grabbing the president incident that here already, they’re trying to squeeze me out of this photo. They’re genuinely trying to block me as much as humanly possible. Now my boss hated me so much over this incident, she spent every day trying to get me fired and I’m here talking to you guys doing comedy so she definitely won. But America rubbed off om me so much I start believing, well I could probably do anything ever since the penguin stander upper incident and Americans encouraging you to do things, they’re like, you can do anything. And I say, I might write a book. I have no idea what about but might right one. I’m a dyslexic idiot. I don’t think I ever passed any form of spelling test in my life. I’ve never nailed a captcha. I can’t even get on the wifi in most places, and Americans are like “don’t let that stop you. You can do it. Just one word every day. Do the morning pages. This could be a great journey for you. You do it, you go on it, you live your you” whatever motivational speech, and I start believing it and was like, you know what? If I get to write a book, I’m so annoyed by this boss thing trying to fire me when I really shouldn’t have been, that I’m gonna put in a chapter on management relations. If I ever write this book, even it’s a picture book, it’s going in there. I don’t care. And wouldn’t you know it Americans rubbed off on me. I went for it, I took the advice, I wrote a book, it got published in a couple of languages and here is that section on management relations. My old boss, Roberts Diane, I’ve spelled her name backwards to protect her identity. (audience applauding) (audience laughing) Genuinely, she had an intern with a government credit card go to a physical location with a physical photo and have them remove me from it. The 10% of me that’s actually visible, and then hung it back on her wall proudly. And nobody ever knew that story until now. (audience laughing) So, you know, some stories you wanna keep going. This one true also. So what is a racist comedian telling jokes about cotton picking is actually a person trying to make a very supportive statement about that Irish people were generally being well-behaved since 1845. In the words of Frederick Douglass, we’ve been knocking it outta park. Now that got a bit misinterpreted interestingly because there was no audio on the video that was posted. So everybody commenting on that and sharing it was trying me, judge, jury, and executioner, and not a single person stopped to go, “well what did that idiot say?” So if you were one of the people that stopped me squirting ice cream out of every available orifice in a moment of need, thank you very much. It was a moment of need. It’s the only reason I’m still doing comedy, so thank you. (audience applauding) Onto more positive things. Who do we think this is? Oh, that is my mother. That is said wake boarding boat. That is my cousin drinking Jack Daniels whiskey while wake boarding. That’s not how Red Bull imagined it to be done, and that’s my uncle that hugged the president, and in my mother’s hand is suspicious. (audience laughs) That is a gateway pipe to what became a bong later in the day, and she took upon corrupting my auntie who used to be a nun. (audience laughing) And because she used to be a nun in Ireland, as such a small world as we learned tonight, I’ve had to take precautions. (audience laughing) You think she’ll be okay with that? I dunno. (audience laughing) And you might say, did your mother really break her leg? That story sounded too crazy to be true. The crazy ones that the Irish ones, they’re always true. Look at her going there. Yeah, that was quite a break. And if you wanna see the evidence, she spent too much time on the west coast of America surrounded by avocados. (audience laughing) She ignored medical insurance and took to the magical healing properties of avocados, which is roughly the same price as medical insurance. Very unusual scenario. She recovered and she’s all good these days. So it had a happy ending. This one I love. That’s the half Indian gay leader of Ireland kicking into action to say, well done Morgan. We love your dancing. Basically shutting everybody up with all the negativity with something that was clearly positive and a connection of two cultures that are really intertwined going years back. And rather than giving out we’re praised her, brought her over to meet the president of Ireland and gave her an award for contribution to Irish culture. And that is how you appreciate culture, which is a much better thing. (audience applauding) And you might be asking yourself, well Jesus, this fellow’s been talking a lot about Ireland tonight all of a sudden. And I have been not just ’cause it’s where I’m from or ’cause I’m proud of it, which I am, but I think we’re a great example of a country that was thought to be backwards that suddenly went really, really forward. We were meant to be very white, and now we’re very diverse and multicultural, and we’ve done that pretty much seamlessly compared to a lot of the world. And at the end of the day, if I’m gonna spend my time doing comedy, I’d rather talk about things to unite us rather than divide us. So at the end of the day we can just be a bit nicer to each other ’cause realistically, well, we’re all a bit Irish, aren’t we? (audience applauding) At least a little bit. (audience applauding) And if you think you’re not, check your 23andMe results. Speaking of interesting things, who do you think this is? (audience laughing) Oh yeah. (golf club thumps mushroom) (audience laughing) 83 years young and still going strong. Thank you very much. You guys have been fantastic. (audience applauding) (audience cheering) Thanks for coming out. (audience applauding) (audience cheering) Last quick question for you. Do you guys know where the exits are? They can be a little bit sneaky. (audience applauding) (audience cheering) (shoes tapping) ♪ Ain’t never been with a chick this bad ♪
♪ Ain’t worried abut them other girls that you had ♪
♪ If I catch you looking at my baby I’m loud ♪
♪ Keep it real I ain’t worry about that ♪ (O’Wang) Next. Passport. Hey, my Irish brother. You said you’re not gonna make jokes about America. Well, they said if you see something, say something. ♪ Why you always tripping for no reason ♪
♪ Tell him ’cause you put it on me better when you’re mad ♪
♪ Head around my neck hit it hard from the bag ♪
♪ I’ma cook a meal for him and play the game with him ♪
♪ With somebody ask yeah I’m with him ♪
♪ Keep him knocked out like painkiller ♪
♪ And if bag me, you know he a winner ♪
♪ Ain’t never been with a chick this bad ♪
♪ Ain’t worry about them other girls that you had ♪
♪ Catch you looking at my baby I’m loud ♪
♪ Keep it real I ain’t worried about that ♪
♪ Ain’t never been with a chick this bad ♪
♪ I ain’t worried bout them other girls that you had ♪
♪ Catch you looking at my baby I’m loud ♪
♪ We gonna keep it real I ain’t worried about that ♪ | [Immigration Officer] Next. Hey, how’s it going? Passport. Oh, you’re Irish? Yeah. I’m Irish me self. All right. My great-grandfather’s dog, Sparky O’Houlihan, came over on the boat 200 years ago. Oh. Yeah, it says here you’re a comedian. Yeah, sometimes. You’re not gonna make jokes about America, are you? No, that’d be crazy. Yeah, not my country. Well, welcome to America, my Irish brother. (passport stamping) (audience applauding) (audience cheering) Thank you. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. I am indeed from Dublin, Ireland, but I live in America now so I identify as Latino. (audience laughing) I had to start doing that to get through your automated customer service lines because the other options are no good, are they? Like the minute you call up, they’re like, “Thank you for calling. For English, press one.” I was like, I don’t wanna be English. (audience laughing) My people have been avoiding (resisting?) that option for about 800 years now. What else have you got? You just keep listening. It gets immediately better ’cause they’ll be like, (David speaks Spanish: para español, marque dos) I said, I’m in here and now these are my new people. (audience laughing) Yeah, that’s the beauty of this identify as whatever you feel like culture that we have at the moment. No one can even get mad about that. But I didn’t wanna shock my parents too much ’cause they don’t know they raised a Latino. (audience laughing) Yeah, so it is at least logical. Irish people, Latinos already emotionally connected. We both like drinking, dancing, fighting, mostly work in construction. (audience laughing) We are primarily Catholic, we love soccer, speak a whole other language, and have problems with immigration. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We’re already one people. But it makes my life a bit confusing now because I’m Irish, I’m sarcastically Latino, and I live in America so I have white privilege. Yeah, I never had that in Ireland. (audience laughing) So quietly confident I caught it here. I know, and that’s kind of ironic if you know your history, ’cause you’ll remember the Irish people when we first got here, we didn’t get the most privileged treatment. But that can get forgotten. If you’re treating history like a Netflix series and you just join in season six, you’d be like, well, it’s going great for the Irish, isn’t it? (audience laughing) Look at them over there with their shamrock shakes and their parades. (audience laughing) They used to be filth, now they have their own Spring Soap. It’s a real rags-to-riches story. It can get easily forgotten when we first came here, there were signs. They said no Blacks, no dogs, no Irish. I dunno what you did if you were a Black Irish dog walker. (audience laughing) You were not coming in. You actually had no immigration laws in America until one group of people turned up, Irish people, and you’re like, well, we gotta do something about these lunatics. And that’s how all your laws got written into being law, and we love seeing laws and finding a creative workaround. That’s kind of what it means to be Irish partially as well. Like, that’s nice. Doesn’t apply to us. We’ll find a creative and potentially fun way to get around those laws, and we did. We just started shagging all of you. All of you. (audience laughing) That’s why many of you are here tonight. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We did it indiscriminately, everybody got it. Black, white, pink, Cuban, Asian, Israeli, Palestinian, even English people. (audience laughing) Oh, we would’ve shagged the Queen if we got to her in time. Oh yeah, and with that strategy, we penetrated the very fabric of American society. We got to the point of 23 US presidents claim Irish heritage. And were so lovely when Obama said, I’m Irish, we all went, yeah, feck it. Why not? Go on. (audience laughing) Yeah, like nobody asked to see his birth certificate, you know? (audience laughing) Yeah, who would do that? That would be crazy. We had a picture of him drinking a pint of Guinness and we were like, well that’s good enough for us, Barack. You know, a lot of people were saying Hussein, we read O’Bama clearly. (audience laughing) It’s in the name, isn’t it? Clearly Irish. (audience laughing) We were delighted about the addition of such a cool character. That’s how we are, we’re a very welcoming country. We are so welcoming, we don’t even have a Chinatown. Yeah, we just let them live with us. (audience laughing) That’s a deep statement. Take your time. (audience laughing) If this woke society that we have that’s a little bit fake at the moment has rubbed off on you, you’ll be triggered right now. You’ll be like, (American Accent) “oh my God, I’m offended right now. I can’t put my finger on exactly why, but I will think about it tomorrow while I’m having a sensible vegan brunch option, and I’ll walk it off. I’ll cover my body in Lululemon merchandise, and I’ll grab my three legged rescue dog Murphy and I’ll just be dragging him along while carrying a four liter indestructible canister of water to stay fully hydrated while I’m listening to Terry Gross on NPR to keep up with issues of diversity, and I will figure out why I’m offended, I will.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I am glad you were here staring at me because we emotionally connected on that one, and sometimes people just knew and she’s like, oh, well that one’s clearly a reference to what he’s interpreting as a fragmented and sub divided society in America that likes to call itself a melting pot, but is realistically more of a charcuterie board. (audience laughing) You know, like it has all these wonderful exotic flavors, and then you keep making it worse by adding too many crackers. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You said it. (audience laughing) It’s a great contrast to Ireland when you think about it because we don’t have, as you rightly nailed on the head there, don’t have a Japan town Korea town, little Italy, Latin Quarter, little Bangladesh, little Armenia, or Chinatown ’cause we’re equally shagging our way into everybody’s family tree. And that’s just brought to you by 23andMe ’cause we are always in your results. (audience laughing) We’re always in there. If there’s no Irish in there, that’s a false negative. Just do it again. You know, treat it like an antigen test and just keep doing it until you get the result you’re expecting. There it is. And no matter where you think you’re from. You could be sitting there and you’re like, I’m definitely Black. And we’d be like, “Are you? Are you really?” (audience laughing) 38% of all African Americans have Irish heritage and that list is fantastic, and includes Colin Powell, Alicia Keys, Beyonce, and Shaquille O’Neill. (audience laughing) I don’t know how you missed that one. That’s a huge example. It’s in the name and everything. Irish and African cultures were so intertwined when we both came to America, that we shagged it out so frequently, together, we invented tap dancing. (audience laughing) Yeah, invented horizontally, done vertically. And that was just through the blending of those cultures, isn’t it? That went on to become jazz music. Irish and and Black culture always a bit connected. It goes all the way back to 1845 if not before when Frederick Douglass escaped slavery, became a famous anti abolitionist and said, I’m gonna go around the world and tell them all to be anti-slavery. I’m going to Ireland for four days. Got there and he went, oh they’re fine. They already know. (audience laughing) Yeah, he said Ireland woke as feck. (audience laughing) Now I’m paraphrasing. He didn’t really say that. I sarcastically inserted the word woke into his mouth because I mean, that’s become a bit of a fuzzy word these days. We don’t even know what it means. Some people like it, some don’t. I think it boils down to being nice, and Irish people we’ve been knocking that outta the park for a while, and Frederick Douglas, what actually he did say was “this is the first time in my life I’ve been treated as a man and not as a color,” and he stayed for four whole months. So, look at that. Irish people just way ahead of the curve on that one. (audience applauding) We’re pretty good. Just a bit of Black history for you ’cause we love it. You have Black history month here in February, we have it in October. So already there are 10% extra Black history in Ireland. (audience laughing) You went short, we went long. That’s what I’m saying. (audience laughing) At any moment, this show could descend into trivia. It is just ’cause I like trivia, but I never know how to feel about it in America ’cause I watch your news and you have two different versions of the truth. So which trivia am I meant to believe? To find out what’s going on in this country, I have to watch the Irish news. (audience laughing) ‘Cause I love a good bit of trivia. Like, Irish people famously friendly, yet slightly sneaky. Yeah, we invented or were central to the invention of the tank, the guided missile, and the submarine. Yet the most damage we ever did America is sending you our priests. (audience laughing) (audience howling) See, that really touched some of you. (audience laughing) Inappropriately. That’s the power of good trivia, ya know? We are connected to every culture. Many Latinos here tonight? (audience cheering) Ooh, I am surrounded. (David speaks Spanish: Vamos a hacer el show en español) seria mill de veces mejor, y dejar los gringos por afuera See, I really committed to learning that language. I love it. I said well I’m in the second largest Spanish speaking country in the world, and I wanted to commit to that language because I didn’t wanna get caught out by some Karen in Whole Foods one day. (audience laughing) You know, they’ll get you, she’ll be like, (American accent) “Oh my God, I saw your little skits online where you identify as a minority group that you are clearly not part of.” And I’ll be like, (Speaking Spanish) Karen, hjpta, . que largse hasta alla (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Oh, that would be very enjoyable, wouldn’t it? You just see her scurrying off to the Tesla to avoid a racial hate storm, and there’s nothing but a trail of confusion and goji berries behind her. When Irish people first came to America and we were like, hello, help us starving refugees. America’s like, all right, but you gotta fight in our war against Mexico. Well, that doesn’t sound like a great plan. Have you got any other programs for the refugees? (audience laughing) Because America always has a program for something, but no they didn’t and we ended up fighting against Mexicans and we were down there and we’re like, jaysus, we like these people. I don’t know why we’re fighting against them at all. We have a lot in common, they’re great fun. And then we saw the deal breaker, Latinas, we’re changing sides. (audience laughing) Yeah, we saw, we were conquered, and we came. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We did, we genuinely changed sides. We became the first country in European history to fight on behalf of Mexico. And that is the longest, yet most historically accurate way to say we also shagged our way into Mexico. (audience laughing) If you know your history of that group, they’re called the San Patricios. There’s a lot of cool things named after them to honor that connection between the two places. There’s a guy called William Langford from Wexford. Most people know him as Zorro. You didn’t know that Zorro was a sneaky Irish dude. The legend of Zorro based on a mildly illegal masked immigrant riding around doing nice things ahead of his time, and he was a skilled swordsman with a blatant disrespect for authority. Definitely Irish. Definitely. (audience applauding) Definitely, and we left a bit more modern evidence. You just go on Google images and you type boxing, and then you add the word Canelo. (audience laughing) And just have a look what comes back at you because you’re gonna see a world and Mexican boxing champion that’s suspiciously red haired. (audience laughing) Pasty white skin covered in freckles and his real name is Barrigan, an Irish name. So if someone could get that man of 23andMe result, we can claim another true champion. (audience laughing) We are connected, those cultures. Do you know where they differ a little bit from Latin people to an Irish people? Latin people are not as sneaky as Irish people. Like, you don’t even… In Spanish, do you know the word for sneaky? Where are me Latinos at? [Audience Member] Picaro. Picaro, they’re not agreeing with that over here. I heard an audible no over here. “sospechosa”. Not really, doesn’t translate. Isn’t this amazing? That’s the diversity we have in Chicago these days where an Irish person is confusing Latinos with their own language. (audience laughing) It’s a bit of a sneaky trivia one because there’s loads of slang words, but there’s no direct translation from English Spanish to the word sneaky. And yeah, it’s fantastically ironic ’cause if you’re Mexican and you’re kinda known for sneaking over the border. (audience laughing) And there’s no word for the thing that you’re doing. (audience laughing) I mean, are you just walking over an arbitrary line in the ground to, you know, visit your family or pick a few strawberries or maybe celebrate Cinco de Mayo? A festival created for you. And Americans are like, Hey man, you snuck in there. You’re like listen, that’s the past tense and irregular verb that I don’t have. (audience laughing) I’m just gonna keep walking until someone buys me a flight to Martha’s Vineyard. (audience laughing) Oh, that was sneaky. I’m just delighted to be here. America one of the most positive places in the world you could ever be based anywhere, and just the opportunity just to talk to people like do this is fantastic ’cause we were without it for a while, and I always didn’t get to do it. When I actually first moved to America, the job I had I came on a diplomatic visa, and one of the first tasks they gave me was organizing the Irish president’s visit to Seattle and Vancouver, which was a huge mistake by someone in a position of authority. (audience laughing) They just overlooked all the red flags you’re seeing here this evening. And there was a guest list to do and they’re like, who’s doing the guest list now? They’re like, you are. And I was like unsupervised. I invited everyone I ever met. I was like. (audience laughing) I was in Seattle and me uncle lived there. He’d moved from Ireland years ago and I forgot he’s so big, he’s 6’5 that he grew up, when he was 17 years old, he drove a mini Cooper from the back. (audience laughing) And he just removed the front seats for extra leg room. So he’s pretty sizable. You’re not gonna miss him, and he got so emotional during the president’s speech and my boss had told me, only C-suite level executives or above. And he worked in the logging industry and I went, well, close enough. (audience laughing) Gotta invite him, can’t miss out on this one. And he got so emotional during the speech he decided to rush the stage that he wanted to hug the president. Yeah, I dunno if you’ve ever watched your career changed live. (audience laughing) It was him moving towards him, oh no. And the Secret Service were there, but they were on low alert because Irish people, we never did it. (audience laughing) It’s a fairly unique group of white people in history where you’re like, well what did they do? We’re like nothing. We’re good actually. And you might correctly say, well, didn’t you blow up some British people? And we’ll be like, yeah, but historically, who hasn’t wanted to do that? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You can’t even invite those fellas to a tea party, can you? But no, we did make one bit of a fauxpas. When Hitler died, only one country sent condolences. Yeah, Ireland. (audience laughing) Yeah, how bad does the prospect of continued British rule have to be that we’re like, well, we better hedge our bets on this one. Somebody send them some flowers and tell ’em we loved his painting. Get ’em over there. But normally, we haven’t done it, whatever it is. And that applied here because they were on low alert. My uncle is moving rapidly towards the podium completely unobstructed. He gets there, grabs the president in a kind of a bear hug and he’s so big she just disappears into his body. My boss elbows me in the ribs and is like, “David, who the feck is that?” I said, “I have no idea.” (audience laughing) And at that moment he kinda leaned forward and was like, “David, get the camera. Get a picture.” Yeah, and that’s why I do comedy now. (audience laughing) I never planned on it. America, I blame Americans. It’s just too supportive with stuff. You can have the worst plan over here and Americans like, “you should try that. That could be a great journey for you. I’d love to see that.” And, you know, you do get the feeling when you move to America that anything’s possible and I got talking to this girl drunk as a monkey on St. Patrick’s Day, and she was kind of waddling towards me in a green shirt and it was made by Bed Bath and Beyond of all places. So pretty classy stuff we’re talking here, and it was a bit controversial. They genuinely were making these because it said on it, everybody loves a drunken Irish slut. That is not true. (audience laughing) Not even Irishmen love drunken Irish sluts. (audience laughing) That’s why we’re here. (audience laughing) For your drunken American ladies. And if we get lucky, maybe we’ll end up in your Bed Bath and Beyond. (audience laughing) But this one, drunk as a monkey, and it was that classic American conversation starter that scares foreigners. Like, what do you do? What’s your job? What do you do? I’m like, all right, take it easy, drunken lady. I didn’t really wanna tell her. So I was like, you know the Antarctic where it’s cold and is ice and snow everywhere? And she’s like, yeah. And I was like, “Because it’s ice and snow everywhere, it can be slippery and they have penguins walking around, loads of penguins. And I was like, sometimes ’cause it’s slippery, the little penguins, well, they fall over. I stand them back up again.” (audience laughing) I didn’t think she was gonna believe that one. I gotta tell you it was a magical moment when she called her friend. She’s like, “Oh my god, Megan, you’re not gonna believe. (audience laughing) The Irish guy, he’s a penguin stander upper.” (audience laughing) I was like, wow, anything is possible in this country. (audience laughing) But everything is accumulation of factors. I had time after that, a friend of mine tragically suffered a spinal cord injury and all his American friends were rallying around to do fundraisers for him to get him back on his feet. And they kind of rubbed off on me and I was like, oh, I wanna get involved here. What can I do? And they’re like, oh, could you host an event for us? You love talking, you’re always talking. I’m like, no, no, this was long before I’d ever did comedy. I was like, I’m afraid of public speaking. Actually most Irish people hate it, I’m no different. I hate public speaking. For me, it’s actually a crippling fear. And he said, I’m in a wheelchair, you dildo. (audience laughing) I was like, you’re right there. You have a fair point. It’s not a crippling fear. I’m gonna have to try and get over this. That is a terrible phrase. And so I started trying to do it and I started doing comedy. We ended up doing a fundraiser, we kept it going for years, and I ended up going down a bit of a rabbit hole of trying to raise money for people with spinal cord injuries because of our friend who was affected by it. And I was trying to be all business cool, you know, from what I learned with the government sending emails, you write kind regards all the time, don’t you? Like some days you’re being lazy and you’re like, I don’t need to be kind today. Just regards kind of a day. (audience laughing) Unfortunately, I’m dyslexic and every time I wrote the word regards, I put a T instead of a G. Some of you way better at spelling than I am, and I was not writing regards anymore. It was re, all right, but it was not regards. And sometimes I just dropped kind and went re not-gards to people with spinal cord injuries for two whole years. Nobody brought this to my attention in two year period. And now we live in a society where they’re like, that word’s not acceptable anymore. And I’m like, I fully agree. The only problem is I have documented evidence that I used this word. (audience laughing) I wanted just a hole to open in the ground and just disappear into it and I was like, I’m never making a mistake like this again. ‘Cause when you’re dyslexic you make a lot of them, and I was like, I can’t make one again. And a friend of mine sent me a message. He said, I know you’re thinking about moving to Los Angeles. Do you want to try out apartment here for a month totally for free, blah, blah, blah, something about a cat. And yeah, I’d lived in America long enough to know that free is my price point. (audience laughing) I didn’t need to read anymore, and that was a bit of an error of judgment because my companion in his apartment was Doug the psychopathic cat, and Doug had some interesting hobbies. His main one was pouncing from the darkness and stabbing me. (audience laughing) Oh, he loved a bit of stabbing. Any exposed piece of skin was fair game. He was just drawn to exposed skin, and I’d even give him a bit of neck and he just out the corner. What the hell’s this cat hanging there like Alex Honnold just hanging off a cliff face. Free Soloing off my ear lobes. I was like, this can’t get any worse, and then it did ’cause I got COVID about four weeks before it was fashionable. And because your US medical system is so crap, I had no idea what was going on with me, and I’ve lived in America long enough that I know you guys are great at turning a negative into a positive. So I always try and put the positive on something, and it is with the medical system. It’s equally one of the only countries in the whole world that you can just go online and diagnose yourself and prescribe yourself medical marijuana for fairly questionable medical reasons. (audience laughing) And you can get that delivered to you by a socially awkward person on or in an electrical vehicle, and then you just add Chunky Monkey ice cream and you’re like, whoo, I am better already. (audience laughing) I don’t even remember what was wrong with me in the first place, and that was the treatment I was doing with myself. And I was there locked with this cat, and unfortunately, the bathroom was separated from the bedroom by a hallway. So to get to the toilet, I had to run the gauntlet of Doug the psychopath. Yeah, and I dunno, now obviously diarrhea, it’s disgusting and who wants to talk about bodily functions ever. But it was a bit of a part of COVID now, and you’ll know if you really need to go and you haven’t got control, the preparation for going does not happen when you get to the actual bathroom. The minute you hear something funky, you’re running and you’re already dropping the pants. I was outta the door and I was in preparation mode, and that was a huge error of judgment. I was like, how can I make diarrhea and COVID worse? I’m just gonna add a short-haired tabby hanging off my private parts like a furry kettlebell dragging along behind me. I didn’t think it could get any worse, and the only respite I got from Doug was to barricade myself in the bedroom into what i thought was safety. But I forgot the little nut job used to love eyeing up the little quarter inch gap under the door, and I grew up with cats. I never had a cat do this. He’d just lie on his back and he’d just slide in under like a mechanic going in underneath a car, and he’d extend his little psychopath paws in under the door and just start playing an imaginary air piano just all night long doing his best Stevie Wonder impression from the darkness. I didn’t see his cat size claws for 14 days. I didn’t even know quarantine was a thing, but that was my quarantine. I finally escaped from that into the month of March (2020), and that was the first march in history that Corona Trumped Guinness. (audience laughing) Irish people did not see that one coming along with a lot of the rest of the world, but now I had a bit more time on my hands than was expected ’cause I couldn’t hang around with you lovely people. So I said, you know what? I’ve been hearing about Game of Thrones for ages, and I have all this medical marijuana for non-medical reasons. I’m just gonna combine the few of these and just see how it goes for awhile. And I was so stoned watching Game of Thrones that I started making correlations that clearly are not reality. (audience laughing) I decided Jon Snow, the main character, was the history of the Irish in America. (audience laughing) I dunno how I’m the only one seeing this, but every episode he’s talking about the weather. Every episode. Winter is always coming for Jon over there. At the start, everybody thought he was a bastard, didn’t they? And then they didn’t like him at all and they forced him to defend the walls that he had nothing to do with building, and fight against people that he had no beef with whatsoever. Sound familiar, Latinos? And they’d point out groups to him and say, Jon there the Wildlings over there. We don’t like that group of people and he’d be like, “Ah, I kinda like ’em. I specifically like that red-haired one over there.” (audience laughing) He had shagged her within a couple of episodes in a cave. And in doing so, united those groups of previously fighting people, and it’s just from shagging. And then of he went south and they said, Jon, we don’t like that group here either. They’re the Targarians. And he said, well same thing again for me, I kinda like one of them. There’s a good looking one over there. And they’re like, Jon, she’s so feisty. She has a fire breathing dragon. That’s pretty Latina when you think about it. And then he shagged her, didn’t he? And he united those tribes, and then they dug up more information. They said, Jon, we’re starting to like you. We did some research. One little thing, you’re not a bastard anymore. We know who your family is. You’re currently shagging your auntie. Yeah, you might wanna stop that. And he’s like, no, I gotta unite the tribes. I’ll keep going. And he did, and he brought ’em all together and now they’re all together. They love him so much that they decided we gotta make Jon the king, and in the end they gave him back the one thing he always wanted the most, the North, which is pretty representative of the Irish issue when you think about it. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You might be rightly asking, how long did he waste of his life to come up with that one? And that was 70 hours and 14 minutes. Oh man, and then when I ran out TV, I ended up like a lot of the world, you do a bit of scrolling on TikTok. It just came out and you’re like, ooh, what can I find here? And I was delighted I did because I found this beautiful 21 year old Black girl from Virginia called Morgan Bullock, and she was doing Irish dancing to Megan Thee Stallion music. The greatest thing I’ve ever seen. That’s our national dance, but with natural rhythm. (audience laughing) We’ve been missing that for a while. And somehow we got famous, despite the obvious handicaps for natural rhythm for dancing. We commercialized it, we created a show called “Riverdance,” sold out to 25 million people around the world despite only moving from the waist down in an in and out gyrating shagging motion. And then you’re shocked when we end up in your 23andMe results. I thought this dancing is fantastic. Let me enter the chat and just have a look and read the comments. It must be very nice. And all of a sudden it wasn’t. And they all said the same thing. “Oh my god, that’s cultural appropriation.” Yeah, some Becky in Berkeley, California who couldn’t get an acai bowl for breakfast that morning, and was angry at the internet about who knows what on behalf of a country that she wasn’t from. There was a lot of them. All the comments came from one particular country. You might know it ’cause we’re here now. (audience laughing) None of them were from Ireland because we know that you cannot appropriate Irish culture. You can appropriate other cultures, but not Irish culture. It’s impossible. 35 million Americans claim Irish heritage. Between 50 and 80 million people around the world identify as Irish. That means we’re the largest per capita diaspora in the whole world, and we only have 5 million people in Ireland. (audience laughing) You Americans, you love joking about an Irish goodbye and an Irish exit. Clearly, we’re not pulling out. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We are in there ’til the end. But there was all these negative comments all of a sudden all from the same thing. Now luckily, entered the chat, the half Indian gay leader of Ireland. Because while you’re talking about diversity, we’ve been living the brand and, you know, stereotypes are a bit of a thing sometimes. So when I say over here we had half Indian gay leader of Ireland, they’d be like, “oh my god, you had an affluent Indian man in charge of your country? I bet he was a doctor. Those people are always doctors.” I’m like, yeah, he was a doctor, and his dad was a doctor, and it was a pretty good time to double down on doctors during a global pandemic. In contrast to your rather interesting leadership choices. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I mean, I don’t wanna cite probability, but one of those leaders way less likely to grab you by the pssy, you know? (audience laughing) I’m pretty sure that was our half Indian gay dude. They’d be like, go on grab her by it. No, no, no. Good, you’re in charge now. (audience laughing) ‘Cause if you wanna shut up a bunch of predominantly white people getting angry about cultural appropriation, which we know can’t be done against Ireland, and you wanna silence them, there’s nothing more effective than a brown faced gay dude who’s the leader of a predominantly white country in the past to enter the chat and say, shut the feck up. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) That’s… I’m paraphrasing there. He wanted to keep his job so he said it in a nicer way. He said, “Morgan, well done. We love your dancing so much so you should come over for St. Patrick’s Day to Ireland and dance.” And she said yes, and this young girl flew over to Ireland and they did a radio interview with her, and unknown to anyone, they had a surprise caller during that interview. And the guy called in, he said, “Hey Morgan, head of “Riverdance” here. We’d love you to be the first Black dancer in the 25 year history of “Riverdance. What do you say?” And she said, yes. The best part of that story by a mile is that her first ever show in America as a Black Irish Riverdancer was in Salt Lake City, Utah. (audience laughing) Was right there Under the Banner of Heaven. (audience laughing) We had a young Black American lady helping to shag our way into the very fabric of Mormon society and God, that is Cultural Appreciation, isn’t it? Which is a much better term. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) It’s a good one. (audience applauding) A really cool story though, and if you get a chance to see her doing Riverdance, she’s on tour the moment. Go see it. But I was at a stage where I was like, you know, I was wasting my life basically. I watched “Game of Thrones,” now I’m TikTok scrolling away, I survived Doug the cat, but I’m not doing any productive. And a friend of mine’s like, “Would you not take some of your little comedy videos and throw them on the internet? Sure no one’s gonna see them anyway.” Yeah, that worked out a bit better than I thought, to be honest. ‘Cause my negative Irish self, and that is our natural demeanor, I was like, this is not gonna, what a waste of time. I hate social media to be honest. I never had any public social media really with any effort until two and a half years ago, and it took Americans to show me the positive of something I always thought was negative. And I was very glad you did because I got into a bit of trouble a few months after I started doing it. And I said something in Pittsburgh, that I don’t believe to be controversial at all. I said, and you might have heard me saying it, Irish people have no white guilt. None, and it’s due to a revolutionary strategy we had where we had potatoes in the ground and we all went, feck it, let’s pick ’em ourselves. (audience laughing) Over here. You, over here. Yeah, I’m not explaining that joke again, okay? (audience laughing) Yeah, if you don’t get that joke, you are the problem. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) But I was in the hotel that night after the show and I was heavily medicated for non-medical reasons, and I was eating ice cream in bed. I had a pot of Chunky Monkey and I had no challenges in the world at that moment outside of hand-eye coordination ’cause oh, I was so stoned I couldn’t get the spoon to my mouth anymore, and I could find the little lumps of fudge but I was basically flicking them over my shoulder. And chunk by chunk, I was turning the hotel room into a crime scene, and I just I was basically snorting fudge at one moment ’cause I just gave up on the spoon and I was like, I’m going in here. I’m like a horse into a feed bag of ice cream. And I dunno if you’ve ever been that messed up late at night and thought to yourself, you know what? This is a fantastic time for me to check my work email. (audience laughing) Yeah, I was like, oh I’m in tiptop condition right now. Let me just get a jumpstart on the working week right now. Oh, I was just lying stoned out my face with the little light, you know, on your face in the darkness with me fudge covered fingers scrolling away. And I was lucky I did because this message I saw kinda shocked me into a bit of sobriety. And it said, “You might be in a bit of trouble. Somebody badly misinterpreted something you said tonight. Click this link.” And it was a link to a TikTok video and I clicked it and the cover of the video said, Racist Irish comedian jokes about cotton picking. I said, well that’s definitely me. (audience laughing) Yeah, I looked at the view count. There was a hundred thousand views on this video. It’d only be up a couple of hours, and it was over 400 comments and they were all saying the same thing. Who is the racist? Where’s the racist? Where can we find him? I was so stoned, I entered the chat. (audience laughing) I said, I know where he is. He’s in a hotel room right now covered in ice cream. He had no idea he was a racist. This is a huge moment in his life right now, and it’s a big discovery. And to make things worse, he’s right now covered in an involuntary ice cream brown face. (audience laughing) Yeah, oh, I was just sitting there like a Canadian prime minister. (audience laughing) It was a PR disaster waiting to happen, and in a moment of clarity, I was like well geez, what am I gonna do? I nearly laid an egg, I’d never been that nervous in my life, and I was like, ooh, I have a little video from tonight actually. I can post what I actually said and feck it, I’m going to sleep and when I wake up tomorrow, it’ll be interesting at least. (audience laughing) And I know that doesn’t sound like a good strategy, and it wasn’t but I got a bit lucky I didn’t know with social media ’cause I’m such an idiot with it that when strangers write to you as a stranger, they don’t expect you to write back. Yeah, they’d be writing to me. “Hello, David’s team.” And I’m like, team? This fella can’t even work a spoon. There is no team. I am the I in this team. Like, there’s no way it’s you writing back. I’m like, no, those regards are all for you. I just… (audience laughing) Yeah, I just can’t spell. I didn’t mean it, but that’s a mark of authenticity. Just give ’em a love heart to try and make up for it. And so I didn’t know you’re not meant to write back. I’ve been writing back, I’ve been treating strangers like pen pals for about two and a half years. So you’re like, well you should come to Chicago and do a show and I’ll be like, yeah, well and here I am. That’s kind of how that works. (audience applauding) Hey, thanks. Well, thank you very much. I didn’t know there was any other way, but I guess because it was during lockdown and everything when it started, I guess it built up a little bit of goodwill. And when I was so heavily medicated that I couldn’t use words to defend myself, which is the one thing I meant to be okay at, given my current occupation, all these people started arguing on my behalf. When I woke up in the morning, they’d won. (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience applauding) This lady had fully retracted her statement, deleted the video, and made a public apology. And I was like, wow, that’s the world we really should live in, that I could go to bed totally racist and wake up totally cured. Like it never happened. So if you were one of those people that kicked into action on my behalf, thank you very much. I really needed you. That’s the core part of looking at everything positive I suppose, ’cause Americans, you are genuinely some of the happiest people in the world. You really are and you should be because you’re taking two thirds of the world’s antidepressants. (audience laughing) Yeah, you’re just going around with the Adderall fueled spirit of Ted Lasso running through your veins. Yeah, it really brings out your inner Trader Joe’s worker. (audience laughing) We’re not like that in Ireland. Ironically, my last name is Nihill, and that’s my real name as in nihilism, which among many other things means extreme pessimism. And I got that name from my dad and it’s ironic ’cause he is the most positive person I think I’ve ever met. Nothing gets him down, and a few years back he got diagnosed with cancer and on receipt of the diagnosis from the doctor, he looked so upbeat that the doctor was taken back and he’s like, “Mr. Nihill, I don’t think you realize the severity of the problem you have.” And my dad said, “I don’t have a problem. I just gave it to you.” (audience laughing) It was a pretty good strategy. He didn’t worry about it at all and a few years later, no more cancer anymore. Never came back to this day. I don’t think he ever worried about it for a minute. (audience laughing) That was great. Thank you. (audience applauding) He got a thing a wee bit later that many of our families are affected by sometimes and some of yours might be here tonight. Macular degenerative disease where your eyesight begins to rapidly deteriorate. He didn’t let it stop him at all. He’s like, “David, I’m off to renew me driver’s license.” (audience laughing) I dunno if that’s a great plan. And one thing played to his advantage that always happens to us as Irish people when we move to America. You get a really warm reception here, which is fantastic and American’s normally take a minute or two but you always know it’s coming where they’re like, “Oh my God, you’re Irish? Do you know my friend Brian Murphy? (audience laughing) He’s also Irish.” We’re like oh, I cannot wait to not know Brian Murphy. (audience laughing) It happened me with a guy called Dave Ryan in San Francisco. My friends were like, “Oh my God you’re from Dublin? My buddy Dave Ryan’s from Dublin. You guys are gonna know each other for sure.” And I’m like, dude, it’s 1.5 million people in Dublin. It’s statistically improbable. Then I met him and I was like, “Oh feck, Dave. I haven’t seen you in ages.” (audience laughing) To make it even more stereotypical, we worked in the same bar together in Ireland. (audience laughing) And his cousins live next to my auntie and uncle in a rural field in the middle of nowhere. There’s like 20 houses, and they just happened to live next door to each other. And it kind of played to my dad’s advantage a bit, the small world nature of Ireland ’cause when he went to renew the driver’s license, he walked in and he was all nervous and straight away the guy’s like, “Oh, Pat Nihill, haven’t seen you in years.” And oh he’s like, “What are you here for?” Oh, to renew it, and how’s your eyesight? My dad said, “It’s not great, to be honest.” And the man went, “Well, I tell you Pat, would you you see a bus if it drove past you?” (audience laughing) Yeah, my dad went, “Oh feck yeah, definitely.” And he went, “Good man, Pat. Three more years. Go on. (audience applauding) On your way.” (audience applauding) I dunno where he drove to, but he drove somewhere. A week later, God love him, he entered a golf competition. He loves golf and he entered a golf competition against people who could actually see their balls. (audience laughing) Yeah, and at one moment he pulled back the club and he went to hit the ball with all his force, and it exploded because it was a mushroom. (audience laughing) He wasn’t deterred by this whatsoever. He actually came second in that competition. (audience laughing) It was his highest finish in 15 years. And he was so excited about the whole confusion mushroom incident that he grabbed his 82 year old giggling friend and went back the next day to recreate the moment on video. He literally just voluntarily blew up a mushroom all over his own nut bag, and his friend videoed it and they did giggled like teenagers and then emailed it to me and went, “David, will this go viral on TikTok or what?” (audience laughing) Legend. He loved golf but I went, you know, golf is obviously hugely popular in Ireland. I got forced into some of the more extreme sports when I started traveling around the world, especially here in America. They love just doing unnecessary outdoor crazy stuff and I said, well I’ll try that. I started off with wakeboarding. Have you ever done that? It’s where they drag you behind the back of a boat like a modern day Red Bull sponsored extreme Jesus, and they waste as much gasoline as humanly possible. Yeah, it would’ve been fun, I suspect, but I didn’t really get to fully live it at the time initially because you’re just meant to pop up outta the water and slide across the top of the water. That’s it. I didn’t pop up at all. I just got dragged underwater like a leaky human submarine. It was dragging me around in figures of eight underwater with just water going in one hole and out the other. Yeah, it was like a high speed clonic irrigation, and I tell you wakeboarding one thing to know if you don’t stand up, it quickly becomes waterboarding. Yeah, Americans are great at that as well. (audience applauding) Not your fault. Spanish invented it, you perfected it, we never did it. That’s just a trivia cycle to that one. But I was so bad at wakeboarding that I jumped off the back of the boat at one moment, looked at my knee and part of it was missing, and it was all blood in the water and it was around the time in that flesh eating bacteria. Do you remember that was a thing in America and around the world before we moved onto COVID and forgot that flesh eating bacteria was a thing? Yeah, and they thought I might lose my knee and I ended up in hospital. My leg grew swelled so big it just kept bigger and bigger, and they start pumping you full of Vancomycin. And if you know anything about your drugs in America, you’ll know Vancomycin is the drug of last resort. When they give you this, the medical system basically saying eh, we don’t know. It’s a bit like the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) It’s like go on, take this, keep us posted. Maybe mix it with something down the road. And I say that as someone who took the Johnson and Johnson vaccine in Miami in Spanish ’cause we’re pretty sneaky, and that was the only way I could get it at that time. But I ended up, I was pretty compromised in hospital and they wouldn’t let me out unless I had full-time medical care, which when you combine comedy and your insurance system, well, that was not gonna work out well. My mother had been a nurse her whole life and I couldn’t think of anyone better to ask to look after me. The only problem was she hadn’t traveled in like 20 years. I had to call her from San Francisco back to Ireland, and I was like ma’am, I really need you. Any chance you’d come over? And she’s like, “Absolutely, David, I’ll be over. Now I don’t know anything about flights or the internet or any of that carry on. I haven’t really been anywhere in about 20 years, but feck it, I’ll get back to you. I’ll figure it out. Don’t you worry about a thing.” Yeah, didn’t hear from her until the next day. She’s like, “David, I went to the bank. I met a beautiful Brazilian girl down there. She knew about the internet. Have the tickets. I’ll be over tomorrow. Thank God for the immigrants, huh?” (audience laughing) I don’t know if you know, nice little bit of trivia that Brazilian Portuguese is actually the fourth most spoken language in Ireland at the moment. Rapidly moving towards third most spoken language, and it’s kind of a very reflective immigration policy we had where we looked at ourselves in the mirror and we went, well Jaysus, we get sunburn pretty easily, don’t we? And we have no natural rhythm and, you know, we’re not exactly sexual icons and we haven’t qualified for the World Cup of football (soccer-yuk) in years. Brazilians, yes, yes, Brazilians. (audience applauding) How many is too many? Never. Keep it going. We’ve got loads of room. We used to have 8 million people in Ireland. We don’t even have five point something million now. So that’s room for a lot of Brazilians if you need them. And I’m totally fine with that, but I was very grateful of it. Me ma’am basically arrived the next day and it was funny ’cause it’s Irish people we take so long to get used to the rules in America. Like when we move here as foreigners you have to adjust to Americans’ love of the rules. You love the rules. We have ’em in all our countries, but they’re guidelines. (audience laughing) You know, you apply logic and you go your own way, and you can really see love of the rules if you participate or watch any American sport. You love it, the commentary is 90% about the rules, and the rest of the time is just whatever the athletes tend to be doing. I was watching the World Cup and they’re like here, “What have we got going on here, Ryan? Well, there was a foul in the box. It’s gonna be a PK. And what’s a PK for the viewers at home? A PK is a violation inside the box.” And for the rest of us in the world, Piqué is a Spanish player who used to shag Shakira, and then he strayed outside the box and that was a huge violation. (audience laughing) Confusing. But I didn’t know any of these rules until Americans dragged me mountain biking, and it will happen you. If you live in one of your predominantly white areas in America, four guys called Chad, Chip, Ryan, Carl, it’s normally a kind of four letter fraternity name, will turn up outside your house at about 8:00 AM on a Saturday morning while you’re trying to be hungover, masturbate, procreate, anything more productive than what they want you to do. They’ve got bicycles that are worth more than your car, and potentially house, and you can’t just join them. You have to first eat Goo packets and Clif Bars to sustain a false sense of sugar fueled enthusiasm to commute unnecessarily to a place you don’t need to be to do a thing you don’t need to do all while dressed as a ballerina. Very confusing. (audience laughing) Very confusing. I didn’t know it was called single track mountain biking and it’s where there’s only room for one mountain bike, and I didn’t know that Americans decided the person coming up the hill has the right of way. I didn’t know that, I was coming down the hill at speed. I was having a great time. I was like a dog hanging out of a car window. I was really enjoying it to be honest, and I was quietly confident the rules were on my side ’cause I was using gravity. (audience laughing) Yeah, technically a law for the Isaac Newton fans in the room. And the guy coming towards me, he thought the rules were gonna save him and that’s a classic American mistake right there. (audience laughing) Oh, you guys make it all the time. You’ll take some dude called Billy Ray in Alabama, and you’ll be like, “hey, that’s Billy Ray. He left high school at 11 years old, never actually read a book in his life, Billy Ray. Look at him there, he’s got his dungarees on backwards. He’s been surviving on nothing but Coors light and corn syrup. Billy Ray, would you like a firearm, huh?” (audience laughing) “It’ll be fine. He’s gonna follow the rules, aren’t you Billy Ray? Oh, yeah.” That’s not gonna work out for anybody. That’s what’s playing out here, but it’s just in mountain biking terms because it’s classic power versus authority. The only problem is authority only goes one way, downhill. You can’t use authority on your boss. It only goes one way. I’m coming down the hill, I have all the power, I am an idiot and a liability, but I have all the power simply because I have an outta control lump of steel supposedly under my control. And that is pretty representative of American society right there sometimes. (audience applauding) You can see it coming. This is no happy ending in that moment, and there wasn’t. And I knew this guy was American coming towards me ’cause he looked way too happy. (audience laughing) Oh, he was just an explosion of enthusiasm. It was like somebody combined 4-Hour Energy, Red Bull, and Viagra and gave it to a life coach on their birthday. (audience laughing) I couldn’t tell you what exactly what was going on in his mind, but if I had to guess it’d be like, “oh my God, I’m having the perfect day right now. There isn’t a cloud in the sky. I’ve never maintained such a speed at such an elevation game before. I could even be in a flow state right now. This could be a personal best for me. I can’t wait to get home and share it with my online community on Strava.” (audience laughing) Oh, I just crashed right into this fella, I took all the happiness off his face, and I could feel the Goo packets exploding on impact, and the peanut butter Clif Bars flying through the air. Oh, I smashed him. I took all the happiness off his face, and I hit him so hard, the two bikes got intertwined and my hand went through the crossbar and got locked there covered in blood stuck on his lycra clad testy satchel. His little Lululemon nut bag was in my hand. And I dunno if you’ve ever got your hand stuck somewhere, but you rock it. That is the technique. You always rock it. Oh, now I was arousing all the wrong forms of suspicion, and I went for an extra bit of leverage. Huge error of judgment. The excitement in his face only multiplied and I was like, Jaysus, now we’re more than strangers on a trail. How did I get into this? This is gonna be a negative online review somewhere. And it was real awkward ’cause we ended up just locked in this Mexican standoff, which is ironic. Mexicans smart enough not to be mountain biking in the first place. And I finally yanked me hand outta there, and we end up staring each other and he could have said anything. And there’s a moment of silence and he’s like, “Do you not know the rules?” (audience laughing) I was like, “Listen Carl, the rules are not gonna save you in this situation.” Okay, I shouldn’t even have a mountain bike. Billy Ray definitely shouldn’t have a firearm. So yeah, if you can get my hand off your nut sack, we can get out there, use logic, and make your country great again. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Yeah, that’s why I don’t do mountain biking anymore. But that was a bit of a long way to say, Americans love the rules. My mom shattered them the minute she came, she wasn’t even in America an hour and a half and they got to the hospital or she got to the hospital and was like, visiting hours are over. Feck they are, my son is in there. Straight in, no regard for visiting hours whatsoever, and we ended up all of a sudden in very close proximity ’cause they let me out only if she’d look after me, and we’re sitting in my house and we haven’t really lived around each other in a place different from my home in Ireland for years. Never been around that close, and and outta nowhere when she finally got comfortable after a few days, she was like, “David, do you have any of those cannabis cookies?” (audience laughing) I was like, “I do, I have loads of them actually.” And I fed her two, which was twice the recommended dosage and a grave error of judgment for getting your mother stoned for her first edible experience at 74 years old. And I know the problem was this was before COVID, so I wasn’t a weed professional yet because to be honest, I don’t like drugs. I’ve never liked drugs, but I love chocolate, and you Americans keep putting drugs in chocolate. Yeah, and then when you eat the drug chocolate, the regular chocolate tastes way better. Before you know it, you’re just in this chocolate consumption cycle. You’re literally like a stoned hamster lying at the bottom of the wheel watching the world go by until one day you wake up covered in chunky monkey ice cream in the middle of a racial hate storm on TikTok and you’re like, how did I get here? (audience applauding) Anyway, I got me mom stoned out of her ahead. Now if you know anything about Irish people, we take secrets to the grave, but that’s not the case on twice the recommended dosage. Oh, did she turn into a chatty Cathy all of a sudden. She’s like, David outta nowhere, “What do you think of gay marriage?” I said, what? And she’s like, nothing new to me, you know? I was the first lesbian in Ireland to get married in 1970. (audience laughing) Yeah, I was like, “Does dad happen to know about this?” Says it was his fecking fault. I said, “Please continue.” She’s like, “Well your dad couldn’t find his feckin birth certificate on the morning of the wedding. Now luckily we had his dead sister, Patricia’s.” I said, “Just hold on a second there, that’s big news. I never knew about that.” And she’s like, “Yeah, don’t worry about it. Your dad had a dead sister. She died when she was two. Not central here to the story.” (audience laughing) Yeah, I’m like that’s sounding pretty central to me ma’am, but okay. She’s like, “Well we couldn’t find Patrick’s birth certificate, but we had his sister, Patricia’s, and I didn’t wanna cancel that wedding. And the whole town knew the priest didn’t have the best eyesight. So technically and legally I’m married to your dad’s dead sister. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) That’s a lot to unpack, isn’t it? And she just kind of moved on lovely from that as if it wasn’t a thing. Now she dropped one other crazy bit of information. I’ll tell you in a sec but the next morning she woke up and she had a new lease on life and she wanted to do walking for no reason, and that’s a bit representative of your elderly American people ’cause you’re out there with your snowshoes and you’re hiking poles, just walking up stuff for no apparent reason, right? Irish people not like that. If you take an elderly Irish person and you put them somewhere, that’s where they’re gonna be. (audience laughing) They live there now. But not her, the weed cookies gave her a bit of new lease of life and we’re in San Francisco and she’s like, “David, I think I’ll go for a walk to the Golden Gate Bridge.” I was like, “Well Jaysus, that’s kind of far. I suppose it’s downhill. Go on. Feck it. Why not? Give it a go.” (audience laughing) She did not come back for eight hours. (audience laughing) When she finally kicked in the door, came in, and I was lying on the couch with me leg elevated trying to get better with it. And she was like a giggling teenager. She said, “Oh David, look at these” Lululemon pants (audience laughing) Yeah, she kinda kicked out the hip and was like, “All the girls are wearing them. Does it make ass my look good?” It’s like, you haven’t even got an ass anymore. That thing’s like a bag of porridge back there. (audience laughing) She was having a great old time and couple of days in when I start getting better, she’s like, “David, I might give you a bit of space. I’ll go visit your uncle up in Seattle.” You know, the big fellow who hugged the president. Yeah, she goes up there, called me a day later, she’s like, “David, you’re not gonna believe where I am. I’m on a wakeboarding boat.” I said, there is no way you’re wakeboarding. She’s like, “Oh God, no, I’m not wakeboarding.” No, I have another thing. (Calling out) Rory, what’s it called? “I have a bong, David. (audience laughing) Oh, I am stoned out of my head. And your auntie’s here with me. I’m getting her stoned.” Oh, Jesus, my auntie used to be a nun. She married a priest. I don’t even know how that happened. (audience laughing) My mom started corrupting the whole family and after she nursed me back to health, she went away back to Ireland and I’ll never forget the message she sent me. It was lovely. It said, “David, I know we’re mother and son but now it feels like we’re friends.” Yeah, and I remember reading it going, this is a blue message. This is an iMessage? Did you get an iPhone? (audience laughing) Yeah, she’s like, yeah, goes well with me Lululemon pants. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Smiley face and everything. Well, she went back home and she was corrupting the way the family. God love my uncle got Parkinson’s disease, and none of the traditional medication was working. And my mother being a newfound West coast hippie, have we tried any alternatives here? Maybe a bit of CBD oil or something. So I dunno what they were doing to him, but at one moment the little old ladies were over for tea and they were in that corner and my uncle was in his chair ’cause that’s where they left him. (audience laughing) And he stood up at one moment and they were like, well where’s he off to? And he was shaking a bit and they’re like, oh, he’s gonna fall. And he started falling, my auntie tried to get to him in time but she didn’t make it. He started falling on top of my auntie. My mother kicked into action. Obviously the nurse in her jumped up, didn’t make it in time. My uncle fell on my auntie, and the two of them fell on my mother and broke her leg. Yeah, and my uncle was just lying there smiling ear to ear. No idea what was going on. And the little old ladies were mortified ’cause he was pretty much dead weight They couldn’t move him so they had to go in and get the next door neighbor to help, and he was famously a bit of a smart ass with a good sense of humor on him. She came in and he’s like, “Well Jesus, if this fella’s going out, he’s going out with a bang.” (audience laughing) Look at him, ex priest lying on top of two sisters, huh? They’ll be talking about this one in the town.” My mam was so mortified by this whole scenario that she lied to me and she said she broke her leg when she fell off the back step of the house getting some firewood, and I only know the real story ’cause Dave Ryan from San Francisco, his cousin lived next door. That was the guy. (audience applauding) We are always connected. (audience applauding) Yeah, we really are. But there was one, the part I enjoyed the most about this is there was a bit of a tangent to the story that my mother added before she went off on her wander to Golden Gate bridge the night before. And as immigrants in America or anywhere in the world, we usually have one thing in common. Someone in our families was illegal at some stage. They might not be talking about it. They might be here now keeping it on the quiet. Just with my family, I didn’t know it was my mother. Yeah, until I got her slightly stoned. So it turned out when I was a kid, she used to work as a nurse in New York and come over and back and send the family money, and she disappear for a few months and come back again. And I just thought she missed her kids, which I’m sure she did, but it was more actually she was coming home ’cause she was being thrown out in various manners, or sneaking back in again on a different visa, or not overstaying something. Now and you know tonight I told you Irish people were sneaky buggers. I dunno if you know we have Irish names. So my name in English, David Nihill, in Gaelic Irish, Daithi O’Nihill. And to your immigration system, that’s a whole new person. (audience laughing) We’ve been using that one for a few years, and my mother definitely was. And then she’d used up all these kinda little tricks, and she’s there telling me about it and she’s like, “David, I was kind of outta options and I was at a point where geez I just needed another passport and I’d used everything I knew and sure, I was thinking Jaysus, that day and age to get a passport at that time you only really needed an extra birth certificate. Yeah, I had an extra one of those lying around, didn’t I?” Back from the grave. (audience laughing) This is a lot to unpack and some of you will figure it out at different moments and that’s okay. That’s what happened to me, ’cause she just went on to the next part, and it turned out she was working in New York at one moment in time as a nurse nursing back to health a particular lady of interest who’d fallen and broken her hip. That lady was Donald Trump’s mother. Yeah, my mother as an illegal immigrant. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Was nursing back to health the mother of a guy competing on an anti illegal immigration mandate while traveling on the passport of a dead two year old. (audience laughing) Who she was also in an involuntary lesbian relationship with. (audience applauding) If that isn’t the most Irish American, potentially Latino, sneaky, maybe woke potentially gay story you’ve ever heard as brought to you by your US medical system, I don’t know what is. Thank you very, very, very, very much. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Thank you. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Thank you. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Listen, you might be asking yourself these stories sound a bit bonkers. Was this fella just taken all of the weed himself and making them up? Especially in the case of my mother’s one, it sounds so outlandish. You’ll be like, is that true? And I’ll say for legal reasons, allegedly, it’s true. And also she warned me “you better not tell anyone about this feckin story, David.” She was pretty clear on that. So allegedly it happened. I dunno, you make up your own mind. But just so I’m off the hook, but I would love to show you one or two little characters before we get outta here ’cause I’m thinking it’s always nice to visualize something if you’re like, oh, I wonder did that actually happen? Have a look and see if you recognize this fella, or who he might be. (audience laughing) That’s Doug the psychopath. And he looks all cute, doesn’t he? And that is the definition of cat fishing when he got me. His little claws are already sticking out ready to go. And the reason I wanna share with you that is we live in a society where we’ve never processed so much information at a speed we’re not really capable of processing. So sometimes we miss things and in my case, that multiplies when you add being and a moron and dyslexic ’cause I had all the information I needed right here. This is the message my friend sent me about his lovely cat. “Just to give you a heads up though, he’s still a kitten and spent at least a couple of months on the street before we found him. He’s just been fixed, which seems to have calmed him down, but he does sometimes play with people by biting their wrists and ankles or pouncing from the darkness.” (audience laughing) “It’s never too violent and it’s never angry, and he’s mostly a sweetheart but just wanted to let you know that before you agreed to spend time in the house with him.” (audience laughing) Yeah, and like an idiot I wrote back, “Ha, no worries. Much appreciated.” (audience applauding) I had all the information I needed, and this really did happen to me working on the Irish President’s mission, and that is the only time you’ll ever see me in a suit. And that is Mary McAleese, one of the 21 years of female presidents we’ve had while you’re still thinking about it. (audience applauding) Might be time. (audience applauding) Now obviously I’ve called America home for a long time, and I love living here so I don’t wanna be too sarcastic. You have made great progress recently. You got a Black little mermaid. (audience applauding) And that was huge for you as a country. I mean, very divisive initially, but you pull together and you work through it. And meanwhile while you were doing that, we found a Nigerian lady and we made her mayor of the town of Longford in Ireland, and she never had to identify as a fish or anything. (audience laughing) Just straight to a senior leadership position. But you keep telling us about being diverse, and maybe we’ll catch up. And that sounds a little bit stabby but feck it, I’ve lived here long enough and you said “if you see something, say something.” (audience applauding) (audience laughing) But my boss hated me so much over this uncle grabbing the president incident that here already, they’re trying to squeeze me out of this photo. They’re genuinely trying to block me as much as humanly possible. Now my boss hated me so much over this incident, she spent every day trying to get me fired and I’m here talking to you guys doing comedy so she definitely won. But America rubbed off om me so much I start believing, well I could probably do anything ever since the penguin stander upper incident and Americans encouraging you to do things, they’re like, you can do anything. And I say, I might write a book. I have no idea what about but might right one. I’m a dyslexic idiot. I don’t think I ever passed any form of spelling test in my life. I’ve never nailed a captcha. I can’t even get on the wifi in most places, and Americans are like “don’t let that stop you. You can do it. Just one word every day. Do the morning pages. This could be a great journey for you. You do it, you go on it, you live your you” whatever motivational speech, and I start believing it and was like, you know what? If I get to write a book, I’m so annoyed by this boss thing trying to fire me when I really shouldn’t have been, that I’m gonna put in a chapter on management relations. If I ever write this book, even it’s a picture book, it’s going in there. I don’t care. And wouldn’t you know it Americans rubbed off on me. I went for it, I took the advice, I wrote a book, it got published in a couple of languages and here is that section on management relations. My old boss, Roberts Diane, I’ve spelled her name backwards to protect her identity. (audience applauding) (audience laughing) Genuinely, she had an intern with a government credit card go to a physical location with a physical photo and have them remove me from it. The 10% of me that’s actually visible, and then hung it back on her wall proudly. And nobody ever knew that story until now. (audience laughing) So, you know, some stories you wanna keep going. This one true also. So what is a racist comedian telling jokes about cotton picking is actually a person trying to make a very supportive statement about that Irish people were generally being well-behaved since 1845. In the words of Frederick Douglass, we’ve been knocking it outta park. Now that got a bit misinterpreted interestingly because there was no audio on the video that was posted. So everybody commenting on that and sharing it was trying me, judge, jury, and executioner, and not a single person stopped to go, “well what did that idiot say?” So if you were one of the people that stopped me squirting ice cream out of every available orifice in a moment of need, thank you very much. It was a moment of need. It’s the only reason I’m still doing comedy, so thank you. (audience applauding) Onto more positive things. Who do we think this is? Oh, that is my mother. That is said wake boarding boat. That is my cousin drinking Jack Daniels whiskey while wake boarding. That’s not how Red Bull imagined it to be done, and that’s my uncle that hugged the president, and in my mother’s hand is suspicious. (audience laughs) That is a gateway pipe to what became a bong later in the day, and she took upon corrupting my auntie who used to be a nun. (audience laughing) And because she used to be a nun in Ireland, as such a small world as we learned tonight, I’ve had to take precautions. (audience laughing) You think she’ll be okay with that? I dunno. (audience laughing) And you might say, did your mother really break her leg? That story sounded too crazy to be true. The crazy ones that the Irish ones, they’re always true. Look at her going there. Yeah, that was quite a break. And if you wanna see the evidence, she spent too much time on the west coast of America surrounded by avocados. (audience laughing) She ignored medical insurance and took to the magical healing properties of avocados, which is roughly the same price as medical insurance. Very unusual scenario. She recovered and she’s all good these days. So it had a happy ending. This one I love. That’s the half Indian gay leader of Ireland kicking into action to say, well done Morgan. We love your dancing. Basically shutting everybody up with all the negativity with something that was clearly positive and a connection of two cultures that are really intertwined going years back. And rather than giving out we’re praised her, brought her over to meet the president of Ireland and gave her an award for contribution to Irish culture. And that is how you appreciate culture, which is a much better thing. (audience applauding) And you might be asking yourself, well Jesus, this fellow’s been talking a lot about Ireland tonight all of a sudden. And I have been not just ’cause it’s where I’m from or ’cause I’m proud of it, which I am, but I think we’re a great example of a country that was thought to be backwards that suddenly went really, really forward. We were meant to be very white, and now we’re very diverse and multicultural, and we’ve done that pretty much seamlessly compared to a lot of the world. And at the end of the day, if I’m gonna spend my time doing comedy, I’d rather talk about things to unite us rather than divide us. So at the end of the day we can just be a bit nicer to each other ’cause realistically, well, we’re all a bit Irish, aren’t we? (audience applauding) At least a little bit. (audience applauding) And if you think you’re not, check your 23andMe results. Speaking of interesting things, who do you think this is? (audience laughing) Oh yeah. (golf club thumps mushroom) (audience laughing) 83 years young and still going strong. Thank you very much. You guys have been fantastic. (audience applauding) (audience cheering) Thanks for coming out. (audience applauding) (audience cheering) Last quick question for you. Do you guys know where the exits are? They can be a little bit sneaky. (audience applauding) (audience cheering) |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mo-amer-the-vagabond-transcript/ | Mo Amer: The Vagabond (2018) – Full Transcript | mo amer | A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL [audience chanting] Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! [chanting speeds up] [man] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Texas’ own… Mo Amer! [cheering] Thank you. Thank you, thank you. What’s up, Austin? Have a seat. Austin, Texas. Man! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wow! Well, can I… [chuckles] All right, well… All right, guys. Jesus, good to see everybody, man. Uh, Austin, man, it’s beautiful. Home state of Texas, uh… It’s a good time. Yes, I am Mo, guys. You know, Mo is actually short for Mohammed. Surprise, bitches! Today is the day! Your cell phones are locked up. It’s too late for you, motherfuckers! Get the door, Aziz! No, I’m just kidding. Okay. I get all kinds of different reactions. Uh… I was in Little Rock, Arkansas. Everything is goin’ great. I say I’m an Arab-American. The whole room gets quiet, and one guy in the back goes… [Southern accent] “Oh, hell, no!” There was one black couple that actually got up and left. Like, “Mm-mm! We seen this shit before. Come on, baby,” and they just took off. It was frustrating. Mohammed is the most popular name in the world, but I can’t find one key chain with my name on it anywhere. Not one person has shared a Coca-Cola with me in America, not a single fucking person. I’ll be honest, though. I didn’t even know how popular the name was until I watched the Egyptian soccer team. Uh… They were showing a play-by-play and the commentator comes on and he’s like, “Mohammed has the ball. Mohammed pass the ball to Mohammed. Mohammed to Ahmed. Ahmed to Hamed. Aaah! Hamed to Mohammed. Mohammed to Mohammed. Mohammed to Mohammed. Mohammed! Mohammed! Mohammed! Gooooalll!” “This weed is too strong, Jeffrey. I think there’s just one guy on the team passin’ the ball to himself, bro. I’m freaking out, man!” [chuckles] Oh, man! It’s a weird time to be Mohammed, you know? It’s a weird time. It’s also weirder with Trump in office and the thing that happened with me and Eric Trump, my God, we went viral all over the place and all that happened was I got upgraded to first class. I end up sitting next to Eric Trump and then shit went super-viral! I didn’t know I was gonna get upgraded to first class, much less sittin’ next to Eric Trump, but I do know one thing. The lady that upgraded me is probably a Clinton supporter. Let’s be real. I’m just sayin’. She was probably sittin’ there like, “Oh, oh. oh, Eric Trump is on my flight? Okay. Okay. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.” I don’t know why she has a mustache. “Okay. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.” [laughs] “Oh, there’s an empty seat next to Eric? Okay. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Let me take a look at this upgrade list, uh, see who’s standing by patiently here. Oh, Mohammed Mustafa Amer! Upgrade this motherfucker immediately!” That’s probably what happened. I’m not 100% sure, but I’m, like, 99% sure ’cause I’ve never been greeted with such enthusiasm prior to boarding an aircraft. With the name Mohammed, flying out of New York, it’s just never happened. I show up, I scan my boarding pass. She’s like, “Guess who’s been upgraded? Boom, byeow, byeow, byeow, byeow!” I was like, “Oh, shit, you have an air horn? I didn’t know.” I was so dumb, though. I was like, “Yeah, it’s all these years and dedication to this airline. I’m finally gettin’ the respect that I deserve.” I’m just walking in there like, “Yeah, Million Mile Club, bitch!” You know, like… Uh… it wasn’t the case. I turned the corner, I was like, “Holy shit! Is that Eric Trump?” I was like, “Nah.” I didn’t believe it, so I put up my bag, took a second look and I saw his name on his sweater. So… no further investigation necessary. I mean, that’s what you do with the slow kid in your family when you go to a theme park… so when they get lost, they know how to identify themselves. I just… I just sat down next to him and I was like, “Salaam alaikum, Eric! How’s it goin’, man?” He was like, “Uh, everything’s cool?” I was like, “I’m just messin’ with you, man. Listen, my name’s Mohammed. I’m a Muslim, I’m Arab and a comedian, so I had to mess with you a little bit and I also came here as a refugee. Too late, bitch! I made it!” You know, it was nice. Then I shifted gears on him. He didn’t see it comin’. I was like, “Hey, you tell your dad to build all the damn walls he wants.” He was like, “What?” I was like, “That’s right. Tell your dad to build all the walls he wants. My family flew in, you know what I mean? There is no problem. One $9 Spirit Airlines flight and I’ll be back in business.” It’s just weird. I was actually born in Kuwait, right? I left Kuwait after the first Gulf War. I was nine years old. I went to a nice private British English school in Kuwait. I wore a little vest and a bow tie to school. I was an adorable Arab kid with a hint of a British accent. I was like, “‘Ello, Mum. Yeah, going to school I am, Mummy. Yeah, all right, yeah.” Then I ended up in Houston, Texas. Very proud… I’m a very proud Houstonian. Super-proud Houstonian from Alief. I’m for real. But hold on, hold on. When I got there, they put me in ESL class… which is English as a second language class, and I was the only guy that spoke English in this fuckin’ class. And my family sends me to school with a vest and a bow tie, thinking, “That’s how you go to school.” No, that’s how you get your ass whooped at school in America. I walk in, all the kids are looking at me like, “Hola. Amigo… [speaking Spanish] I was like… “Sorry? What language are you speaking?” All of a sudden, this other dude just comes up out of nowhere. He’s like, “You’re weird, dude. Golly, man! Why do you talk like that, eh?” And that was my teacher. You know, it was fucked up. My family did no research. Not one person thought of, like, “Hey, what neighborhood should we move into in Houston? Let’s just fucking go to a bunch of gang violence. That’ll make sense.” It was very tough. I didn’t know what to do. I was caught in the middle of this gang battle. There was a lot of Mexican gangs, a lot of black gangs, and they were fighting each other. And the Mexican gangs wanted to recruit me ’cause they thought I was Mexican. And there was a lot of black gangs. They wanted… They wanted to beat me up ’cause they thought I was Mexican. Really tough high school years. I’m, like, walkin’ to school, and I see these Latino gangs hangin’ out, and, obviously, this guy has seen me before and he’d just had it. He just approaches me. He was like, “Say, vato! You walk by here every day. You don’t say nothin’, don’t do nothin’. What? You ashamed of your own peoples, bro? You ashamed of your own people? This is your familia, bro! Your la raza, bro! You ashamed of your own peoples, bro? Andale, bro. You going to get broke today, bro. What’s your name, bro? Andale, what’s your name?” I was like, “Oh, man, my name is Mohammed.” He’s like, “What? For real, bro? You look exactly like Hector! I swear to God, bro.” He was like, “Hector, Hector, come check it out, dude! Check it out, bro! We found your doppelganger. Te lo juro, bro! Te lo juro!” And the fucked-up part is Hector came out. I was like, “Holy shit, I do look like Hector!” Started high-fivin’ and shit. I was like, “Oh, yeah, we all look alike! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” And then I saw some guns stickin’ out. I was like, “Oh, shit, I need to get the hell out of this situation.” And I did and I had a decent day. I really did. And then, uh, I’m going home and I see the black gangs hangin’ out and I was like, “Please. Please, not today. I’m not emotionally prepared to deal with this today. Please, just not today!” And, of course, they smelled that fear from a mile away. For real! And this guy comes up to me, he was like, “Say, Jose! You in the wrong motherfuckin’ neighborhood, Jose. You done fucked up today, Jose! Where your crew at, Jose?” I’m lookin’ around for Jose. I’m like, “Who the hell is Jose?” I was like, “Come on, man. My name is Mohammed.” He goes, “Ah, man! Salaam alaikum, brother, shit, my bad!” You know? I ended up selling all the gang members fake Rolexes. I’m not gonna lie. I was that Arab connect, that’s what I was. It was really rough, man. I had some rough times. That’s why you’ve gotta think of, like, backup plans and exit strategies. It’s important. I learned from being a refugee, you’ve gotta have plan B and C and D. That’s why I learned Spanish. Just in case some shit breaks out, I can camouflage at any moment in time. It’s gettin’ rough, man. They start hunting Arabs and Muslims, I don’t know what’ll happen. They’ll be like, chh-chh! “Hey, boy! Hey, boy, you one of them A-rabs, huh? You one of them Muslims, huh?” I’d be like, “No, vato, come on…” [mutters in Spanish] “Sí. Yo regreso a mi país, Mexico!” And just get the fuck out of there. Jump over that unfinished fence, you know what I mean? I’ve thought about it. I’ll just start selling falafel tacos, and… Start a Halal Hermanos truck in Ciudad de Mexico and shit. Just be sitting there yelling, “Ay, salsa verde con tahini sauce, puto, andale!” [chuckles] Shakin’ her head. It’s all right! She was like, “That doesn’t sound delicious at all.” Immigration is tough, you know. They talk about this extreme vetting and everything happening. Look, it took me 20 years to get my citizenship. It took my mom almost 21 years. Outrageously long. 20 years! Like, I didn’t have a… For ten of those 20 years, I travelled the world doing stand-up comedy without a passport. Really difficult to pull off, by the way. I had what they call a refugee travel document and on the front of this document, it says, “Department of Homeland Security.” All right? On the inside, in all caps, it says, “This is not a US passport.” Confuses everybody that I interact with, including the kiosk machine checkin’ in, right? Like, you get a passport, you scan your passport, you get your boardin’ pass and you out. “Aah! Party! We’re leavin’!” Right? Well, my shit doesn’t scan, so I have to show up and be like, “Um… Excuse me. Uh… Excuse me, ma’am. Can you please help me check in?” She’s like, “Sir, please scan your passport.” “Yeah, I don’t know why you’re yellin’ at me. I just got here. [sighs] Yeah, I was here a week ago and, uh, it didn’t scan, so I was just… Can you please help me check in?” “Sir, did you try it today?” “That’s a really good observation. I didn’t think about it today. Maybe today, it works.” I scan my travel document. A huge exclamation point comes up. “Please seek help from representative.” “Excuse me, ma’am. The Check Engine light just came on on this damn thing. It’s about to explode. Can you please help me check in?” She shows up. She’s like, “Sir, just give me your passport.” “Oh, God.” So I give it to her, she’s like, “Okay. Uh, sir, this is not a passport.” I was like, “Yeah, I know. I’ve been trying to talk to you since I got here. See, it’s a… it’s a travel document, so I can travel with it, because there’s visas issued from the countries that I’m visiting so obviously I can travel with it.” She’s like, “Sir… this… is not… a passport.” I was like, “I speak English perfectly, ma’am. I don’t know why you’re talkin’ to me this way. See, in 1948, the United Nations was founded and in 1951, they had a Geneva Convention and they created a Geneva passport that allows refugees and asylees to travel while they’re seeking asylum from their respective countries. But you know what? I’m just gonna blow up this whole fuckin’ airport, that’s what I’m gonna do! I mean, my God, you’re just makin’ it really difficult for me to maintain my ethics in this situation, like… I just wanna fucking go nuts, like… Why are you making it so difficult for me to be an ethical person? Like, it’s just all these fuckin’ roadblocks.” This is the beginning of a 20-hour journey. Can you imagine? This is just checkin’ in, all right? This is just checkin’… Next… “Uh, you need a passport… Uhh…” Next… “Uh, you need a passport…” “Uh, 1949, uh, muh, uh…” Boom! And then you get to the country, you finally get there and you think you’re free and they go, “Uh, your questioning.” Every fucking… Every place, there’s questioning, interrogation. Japan, by far my favorite interrogation I’ve ever had in my life. It was just an hour of them trying to figure out what I did for a living. The entire hour… The entire hour consisted of, “So, what is your occupation?” I was like, “Oh, I’m a comedian.” “Comedian?” “Yeah, yeah, I do stand-up comedy.” “Stand-up-a comed-ah?” I was like, “Yeah, man, I do comedy.” “Comed-ah?” “Yeah, I do stand-up comedy.” “Stand-up-a comed-ah?” “Yeah, I… I’m a comedian.” “Comedian?” “Am I being roasted right now? What’s happening?” “Like, what is going…” Finally, his friend walks in. I was so relieved somebody else walked in. And he goes, “Hey. Hari-san-ye. Ha-da-da. Comedian-uh.” He goes, “Oh, yeah, comedian! He’s like-uh Bill Cosby!” And that’s what got me off, was Bill Cosby. I mean, not literally, not literally. But figuratively, I swear to God. Yes! It’s exhausting. I went to England. England is probably one of the toughest countries to travel to if you don’t have a passport. Like, they’ve fucked the whole world so they feel scared that the shit’s gonna come back to them. So they are really protective of everything. Like, seriously, check this out, all right? Before you get a visa, you gotta get fingerprints. Get your visa, gotta get confirmation of fingerprints. Then you land in London and they’re like, “Ohhh. Ohhh. Ohhh. “Oh, hello, Mohammed, yeah. Ohhh. Oh, we need your fumprints, yeah, just one more time, your fumprints, oh.” I was like, “Oh, you mean thumbprints?” He was like, “That’s what I said, yeah? Fumprints. Don’t correct my English. I speak the Queen’s English.” I was like, “Well, if that’s the case, why do you end sentences with a question mark? It’s really frustrating.” I remember I was lost in London, my phone was dead. I was like, “Excuse me, sir, can you please tell me how to get to the Holiday Inn?” And he’s like, “Yeah, yeah, you just walk down this street, yeah? You make the first left, yeah? Second right, yeah? And then the hotel’s gonna be on the left-hand side, innit?” I’m like, “I don’t know! Is it, motherfucker? I’m lost!” I love touring in England, right? So I’m in Birmingham, UK, right? I’m in Birmingham, UK. I asked a guy in the front row, I was like, “What part of England are you from?” Being friendly. And he lost his shit! He was like, “I’m not British! I’m Australian! “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!” And all these Australians popped up like little fuckin’ Minions. “Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!” I was like, “Oh, shit! Whoa! Hey, time out!” Why is this so offensive? I mean… I was like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it was offensive to mistake an Australian for being British.” I was like, “My God, man, the British flag is inside of your flag! It’s in the top left-hand corner, FaceTiming your flag.” “Aaaah… “ Flags are really fascinating. No, they are. Flags are really, really fascinating, ’cause if you look at them… Just, like, you know, travelling the world as a refugee free agent, I’ve just… Just trying to decide which country I’m gonna commit to, you know, uh… I was just like, “Man, flags are, like, very tribal, you know? So tribal and… Almost like gang colors, you know?” It seemed like, just an observation, initially. Red, white and blue was intended for white gangs. Just an observation, initially. ‘Cause if you really look at it, England is all red, white and blue stripes. Just X’d out, stripes all over it, X’d out. Come to America, they’re like, “Straighten up them damn stripes! Pah, pah, pah, pah, pah! Put 50 stars on that sumbitch! Pah, pah, pah, pah, pah, pah, pah, pah! America!” You know what I mean? You go to Australia, they’ve got the British flag inside of their flags. They threw some stars in there to let America know, “Don’t hit me, OK? Do not beat me up. I’m with you.” New Zealand followed suit ’cause they had no choice. And Scandinavia’s all red, white and blue or variations of those colors. Except Sweden. Sweden’s like, “We’ll take ze blue, but ve also vant ze yellow, okay? Ve vant ze German yellow!” “All right, give them the German yellow. Jeez! Shut the fuck up, Sweden,” you know? France is red, white and blue. Holland is red, white and blue. I mean, my God, it just keeps going. So is Russia. Russia was red, white and blue, is today, but for a while, they were like the rogue white people. They were like the really rogue white people. They were like, “No! No! Fuck you! We will… We will not be red, white and blue anymore, okay? We will be Communist USSR Russia, okay? We will take over surrounding countries and we will be most powerful superpower. Fuck you, okay? Vodka!” You know what I mean? And then… And then… [chuckles] And then they had to submit at some point and they were like, “Okay, okay, okay. No more red flag with yellow hammer sickle, okay. Okay, we will give back independence to surrounding countries, okay. Every once in a while, I will fuck Ukraine! That’s the deal. That’s the deal. We will go back to red, white and blue, okay, okay. We will be democratic as well. Win elections by 99%, but no one is counting, okay? But in, like, 30 years, we will infiltrate your electoral system and give you the shittiest, weirdest presidential experience you’ve ever had! And don’t forget about our secret weapon, Kanye West.” It’s weird. I can see Kanye West in KGB meetings. ♪ She give me money…♪ “Do that one, Kanye, come on! Do that one. I like that one! ♪ Give me money! ♪ I like that, it was good.” [chuckling] [sighs] I remember I was being questioned in London, right? I’m waiting for him to come in and question me, right? And I’m sitting there and I notice there’s a poster on the wall and there’s a dog on this poster and the dog has a passport around his neck. And the headline of the poster says, “Get your pet citizenship today.” I was like, “This bitch can get her citizenship in a day?” And she was smiling at me, like, “Hey, I got a passport!” Just dangling there. I was like… It was really wildly insulting. I said to myself, “You know what? When I get back to Houston, I’m gonna call Immigration, I’m gonna use my super-white voice.” ‘Cause that’s how I get shit done over the phone. I use a super-white voice on the phone to get late checkouts and whatever I want. That’s what I do. I’m serious! So I call up Immigration and the lady answers the phone with an attitude right out of the gate. She was like, “Hi! Hi, INS. What can I do for you today?” I was like, “Hi, um… Yes, hi. Uh… I’ve been in the States, I don’t know, about, uh, 17 years at this point and, uh, I’m trying to see if I can speed up my citizenship process.” She goes, “Okay, baby. Let me look up your file here. Uh… What’s your last name?” I was like, “Oh, oh, oh, my last name? My last name is Amer.” “Huh?” “A-M-E-R. It’s almost like America without the ‘ica.’ Ah-ha-ha-ha! [guffawing] “Oh, that’s cute, baby. That’s real cute. Uh, but what’s your first name?” “My… my first name? Uh, my first name is Mohammed.” [chuckles] “Oh, quit playin’, baby! No, really, what’s your first name?” I’m like, “That is my first name!” She’s like, “Oh, you ain’t gonna get your citizenship, baby. Mm-mm! Mm-mm, mm-mm Mm! Mm! Mm! Please hold.” I was like, “What the fuck just happened to me?” This lady puts me on hold and the hold music was… ♪ Never gon’ get it Never gon’ get it, never gon’… ♪ And then she picked up the phone real quick and goes, “Whoo-whoo-whoo!” And hangs up. I was like, “Oh, shit!” Immigration’s tough. When it comes… When it comes down to it, like, towards the end of the immigration process, it’s very easy. You just have to take an American history exam, okay? It’s really, really easy. The thing is, I didn’t see it come together like this. Check this out. The lady who’s giving this exam… [sighs] She’s originally Chinese, which is fine, but she had a really thick Chinese accent. Which is fine, also. I just didn’t see it coming together like this at the end. She was more excited for me than I was for myself. I turned the corner and she was like, “Oh! Oh! Today big day! Today big day!” I was like… “Um… Is this the American citizenship office?” She’s like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, you in the right place. Come in, come in, come in, sit down, sit down, sit down!” [sighs] Wow! She goes, “Okay, fuh question.” I was like, “What? Did you just say, ‘Fuck question’?” She didn’t even stutter. She was like, “Yeah, fuh question.” She goes, “OK, who the fuh president of the United States?” I was like… I was like, “Bush.” She was like, “Correct-ah!” Says, “Come on, I know you praying. I look at your file. You been waiting here 20 year. Here’s a Mohammed key chain. Congratulation! Get out of here.” I was like, “Oh!” [chuckles] It was dope. It was that fast. It was like, “Oh, my God, this is so easy,” and then she goes, “No, no, you have to go to interview.” And it’s just like one more interrogation for old times’ sake, you know? Standing out there, I got to know this guy named Javier. We became really close. We were both nervous together.I’m like… [in Spanish] “Hi, Javier, you doing good, my friend?” “Yes, I’m well, but I’m really nervous.” “Yeah. Me too, my friend, me too.” “I’ve been waiting here two hours. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m nervous.” “I am too, I am too.” [chuckles] All of a sudden, the door opens up. [squeals] “Come on in.” “Uh… Me or Javier?” “You, sir. Please, come on in.” “He’s pointing at me, Javier.” “Be careful.” “Sit down.” “Okay.” “Please answer yes or no to the following questions.” “Okay. I mean yes. No. Whatever. I’m just nervous.” ” ‘Fuck’ question. Have you or anybody else you know been involved with or given funds to from the time period of 1933 to 1945 with the Nazi Party?” I was like, “What?” I was like, “Oh! Oh, you’re kidding! I thought you were serious, man. You had me so nervous.” “Please answer yes or no.” “No, I was not involved with the Nazi Party whatsoever, man. I wasn’t even born. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Next question. Have you or anybody else you know been involved with or given funds to any terrorist organizations, Mr. Mohammed?” Super-racist! I was like, “No, of course not. And I have to ask you a question. Who the hell says yes?” Okay? Seriously, it baffles my mind. Is this an effective method of capturing terrorists worldwide? I mean, did you catch somebody off-guard at some point? What the fuck are you talkin’ about? Have you been sittin’ there like, ‘Have you or anybody else you know been involved with any terrorist–‘ ‘You got me! Ohhh! Ohhh! You are so tricky, you know? Two more minutes, I was gonna kill all you mother-bitches, you know? Here’s the bomb. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! All right, all right, all right, take it, take it, all right.” [sighs] “Hey, cut the green wire, okay? I’m just kidding. The blue wire, all right?” [chuckles] “I don’t know!’ Huh?” Germany was probably the most interesting without my passport, you know. Such a relief to have it now, but, man, Germany was, like, I get there and the guy’s like, “Ja, ja, velcome to Germany. Can I… Can I please have your passport, please?” I’m like, “Yeah, sure. Here you go.” He’s like, “Ja, is good, ja. I look very special, ja? Oh, noooo! Oh, nooo! I say, ‘Can I have your passport, please?’ ” I’m like, “Hey, man, that is my passport.” “Vell, it cannot be your passport.” “Well, it is my passport.” “Vell, it cannot be your passport.” “Well, it is my passport.” “Vell, it cannot be your passport.” “Well, it is my passport!” “Vell, it says here it’s not a passport, ja? Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? It shows here you are born in Kuwait, ja? Can I please have your Kuwaiti passport?” I was like, “Man, I don’t have a Kuwaiti passport.” He’s like “Vy don’t you have a Kuwaiti passport!” I was like, “Relax, okay? In Kuwait, it doesn’t matter if you’re born there. It matters where your parents come from.” He goes, “Ja. Well, vere do your parents come from?” I was like, “My parents are Palestinian.” He goes, “Vell, give me your Palestinian passport.” I was like, “Bro, I don’t have a Palestinian passport!” “Well, vy don’t you have a Palestinian passport?” I was like, ” ‘Cause Palestine’s not a state!” He goes, “Well, vy don’t you make it a state? “I was like, “What? Have you not read the news the last 70 years? And by the way, I’m in Germany. This is all your fucking fault to begin with!” I thought I was gonna go to jail, I really did. His reaction shocked me. He goes, “Ja, it’s true, ja,” and just stamps my shit. I was like, “Thank you!” The most incredible experience. So nice for somebody to admit that they’re wrong immediately, you know? Germany was fine. It was easy, I got through, it was great. But you’d think the Middle East would be easier on me, but it’s much worse, you know. It’s ’cause I have family there. That’s the thing about Arabs. You’ve gotta come back with, like, 15 suitcases. It’s like this Arab protocol that your mom sends, like, a telegram or whatever they still send to each other. I’m serious. They send something, you just walk in and your aunt’s just packing everything for you, right? It’s just terrible. And there’s this one thing top of the list. It’s called mulukhiyah. It’s like spinach, but it’s not spinach. It’s better than spinach and Arabs love this stuff, okay? And I walk in and my aunt is putting it in clear plastic bags and then taping it. I’m like… I’m like, “This is… What are you doing? I’m… What are you doing?” “I’m taping it so it stays fresh.” I was like, “Yeah, I know, I know, I know. But it looks like weed, Auntie! This is terrible!” Straight up looks like bricks of marijuana. I’m like, “This is not good for me, all right?” She goes, “Don’t worry, we’ll pray for you. You’ll get there.” I was like… “I mean, I’ll take it.” And then my uncle walks in with olive oil, okay? Olive oil is the second most important thing on the list, maybe the first. But olive oil, phew, you gotta… It’s illegal. I can’t… I can’t take it back. My uncle’s walkin’ in with, like, so many bottles of olive oil. I’m like, “What are you doing?” He goes, “You’re gonna take it back with you.” I was like, “Yeah, I see what you’re doing, but I can’t take it back. It’s illegal to take olive oil back to America.” He goes, “Don’t worry. We will take off the label and we will write ‘olive juice.’ ” This is his strategy. I’m traveling back to America with what looks like three suitcases of marijuana and olive juice and God knows what other spices and goods are in my bag. I didn’t even know. I somehow make it out of Tel Aviv into New York City, all right? I get to New York, and you know how you wanna beat everybody in Immigration to get to be the first guy out, you know? And I was like, “Yeah, I’m the first guy!” And there was four Immigration officers. “You, come here.” I was like, “I’ve heard this voice before.” You know? I was still being naive. I was like, “Maybe… Maybe this is random. Maybe…” I really did. I was like, “Maybe it’s random,” and then they opened up a piece of paper with my picture on it. I was like, “This is definitely not random! Some real shit!” It was horribly embarrassing. I’m the first guy off and they’re waiting for everybody to get off. So everybody’s walkin’ off, like, “Ooh! Ooh! “Oooh! Oh. Oh!” I’m like, “Fuck you! You uhhh! Uhhh! “I didn’t do shit.” You know what I mean? And then they separate me from everybody, finally, and then take me to a whole nother room, and they were waitin’ for my bags. All my bags are sittin’ out, and I was like, “Oh, man, here we go.” And the Immigration officer comes to open up one of the bags. I was like, “Please, just don’t let it be the mulukhiyah, just please!” And of course it is. He opens it up, he almost faints. He’s like… [gasps] Like that. And he goes, “Bring the dog!” Like this. And, uh, first of all, Arabs don’t do well with dogs, okay? Number one. Number two, this is the most legit dog I have ever seen in my life. This fucking dog had a bulletproof vest, a badge and a passport around its fucking neck! I’m sick of these dogs! The dog was cocky and arrogant. He was just like, “Yeah.” He was so cocky, I attached a voice to him. All I could hear was Eddie Murphy’s voice as the donkey in Shrek. Now, he was… I’m for real! He was walking by like, “Yeah, yeah, you going to jail today, Mohammed! Yeah! If we don’t find nothing, we’ll probably put something in there for your ass.” Right? He just walks up. I was horrified. I didn’t pack this myself. I know it’s mulukhiyah, but maybe not. What the fuck are they gonna do? And the dog gets to my bag. He’s the most confident dog, and within a matter of seconds, he becomes the most confused dog. He’s sitting there, like… [chuckling] [sniffing deeply] “I don’t know, man! It looks like weed, but it’s not weed. I don’t know what to do! You wanna sniff it, Doug? I don’t know.” He just keeps scratching. Finally, he stops, urinates on my bag… and then walks away. I was like, “Oh, my God, I just witnessed a dog quit its job, man!” Amazing! I got in with everything. My uncle misspelled “olive juice.” I swear, the Immigration officer read it like, “I love Jews.” And I just went right through. I’m serious. Went right through. And, look, the olive oil we make and we bring over, we don’t just consume it. Yeah, we… we bathe in it, you know? That’s what Arabs do, man. We just use it for everything. It’s funny, ’cause my mom always wanted me to be a doctor. But it’s very difficult to get her to go to the doctor. And I figured it out. It’s because our medicine is olive oil, that’s why, and we diagnose ourselves. The diagnosis is always called lafhet hawa, OK? If you don’t know what this is, it translates to “a brisk wind,” all right? It literally translates to “a brisk wind.” You have lafhet hawa, “a brisk wind,” that’s why you got sick and then you just bathe in olive oil and take a shot of it, that’s the… that’s the protocol. So one morning, I wake up with something called Bell’s palsy, okay? Exactly. If you don’t know what this is, this is when one half of your face quits working. I just woke up one morning, trying to brush my teeth and one half of my face is not cooperating. I’m sitting there like, “Huh… “Oh, no. Huh…” [lisping] I was like, “Mama? Mama, thomething ith really wrong.” She goes, “What’s wrong, habibi?” I’m like, ” ‘What’s wrong, habibi?’ Are you theriouth? Half of my fathe ith not working, Mom.” She goes, “Don’t worry, it’s just lafhet hawa.” I’m like, “A brithk wind did thith to my fathe? I wath in bed all night, Mom. There’s no wind in my room. I thaid there’s no wind in my room.” She goes, “Don’t worry.” She grabs some olive oil, smacks my face, and goes… says a prayer, and she goes, “You’re healed!” I’m like, “I’m not healed, Mom. I’m a greasy freak, that’s all! I just…” My entire family thought I was overreacting. “You’re overreacting!” “I’m overreacting? Half of my fucking fathe is not working, I’m being a pussy? Is that what you’re thaying? I’m the pussy. Is that what you’re thaying?” They’re like, “Yeah.” I had to drive myself to the emergency room. ‘Cause we’re so gangsta. I get to the emergency room, the guy looks at me, goes, “Can I help you?” I’m like, “I hope tho.” Then he goes, “What’s the problem?” I’m like, “What’s the problem? Are you theriouth right now? You talk to my mom or thomething? What the hell do you mean, ‘What’s the problem?’ No, you know what? I woke up this morning and I thaid to mythelf, ‘You know what would be really cool? You know what’s gonna make me thtand out from the cwowd? If I could just try to talk with one half of my face!’ ” He goes, “Oh, my God, man, half of your face is not working. It could be a stroke. Walk back and forth.” I was like, “Stroke? Okay! Okay! Is it a stroke?” He goes, “I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.” I was like, “What? Take me to a doctor, you asshole!” He takes me back there. I’m so scared. I’m sittin’ there, the doctor comes in. He’s like, “Can I help you?” I’m like, “What do you mean? Nobody talked to you already? We’re in Houston, the most pwogwessive healthcare thystem in the entire world, nobody communicates with anybody here? Hey, fella, half of my face is not working, OK?” He goes, “Oh, my God, man! It could be a stroke. Walk back and forth.” I’m like, “You’d better be a doctor, I thwear to God. I’ll blow up this whole fucking hospital! I’ll do it!” He’s like, “You’re fine, man. It’s not a stroke.” I’m like, “How can you say I’m fine? Thank you for confirming it’s not a stroke, but half of my fathe is not working, tho what is it?” He goes, “I have no idea. I’ll be back in 15 minutes.” Finally, the doctor comes back in. He’s like, “Mohammed… Mohammed, we’ve diagnosed it.” I was like, “Okay, Doctor. Don’t be scared, Doctor. Just tell me what it is. Don’t be scared!” He’s like, “Mohammed, we’ve diagnosed it as Bell’s palsy.” “Oh, my God…” [gasps] “I have Bell’s palsy? What the hell is Bell’s palsy?” He goes, “Bell’s palsy is when one half of your face quits working.” I’m like, “I know what happened! But why? Why does it happen?” He goes, “A brisk wind, that’s why.” I’m like, “Are you theriouth?” Oh, my family made fun of me for a while. It was great. My family is fun, though. I mean, my family is great. They’re everything to me and, you know, we have the worst luck. We really do. We have the worst luck. Check this out. I have a brother, Omar, who happened to become a pilot. I’m like, “Solid career choice, Omar! Solid career choice!” No, he’s doing great. The FBI came over our house. We squared everything up. Everything’s fine. No, they really did. The FBI came to our house, or as my uncle calls them, the “Fibby,” no joke. Looked me with a straight face. He goes, “Hey! The Fibby’s coming!” I’m like, “Who?” He’s like, “The Fibby! The Fibby!” I’m like, “What are you saying?” He starts to act it out. “The Fibby, you know? The Fibby!” I’m like… We figured it out eventually. He’s the same uncle that can’t say “pharmacy.” He says “paharmacy” 100% of the time. The most brilliant man I know. He’s like, “I have a chest infection. Take me to the ‘parhamacy.’ ” I was like, “Oh. Oh, you mean ‘pharmacy.’ ” He’s like, “You’re so stupid, okay? There’s a P in front of the ‘harmacy!’ ” I was like, “Yeah, that’s… that’s true.” And I have a nephew named Osama, okay? I mean, what this poor kid had to endure! I hate that fact. There’s so many terrorist acts done by white people, not a single person is changing their kid’s name from being Timothy, right? It’s fucking insane! This poor kid! This kid has to deal with so much, I can only imagine. Like, his ninth birthday was an obstacle. I walked up to him after the party was over. I saw he had a new Xbox, only one game. We’re in Houston. I was like, “Hey, buddy, let’s go to Walmart. I’ll buy you all the games you want.” He was like, “Yeah!” When we get to Walmart, man, he’s nine years old. He’s running away. I can’t call him. I’m sitting there like, “Hey, Osa… Pssssssst! Pssssst! “Sammy!” That’s a good one. “Hey, Sammy, come here!” And whatever he was goin’ through just bubbled up to the surface. He was like, “No! My name’s Osamaaaaa!” I’m like, “Shut up!” You know? [speaking Spanish] I just got the fuck out of there. [chuckles] [laughs] I mean, you gotta have backup plans, you know? You’ve gotta be ready. It was tough, you know? You know, I did a lot of shows for US troops, like a lot of entertainers do. I did over, like, 100 military bases worldwide. I wanted to experience it for myself and I wanted to go just… just see it for myself. I wanted to show them a new perspective. I’m sure no Arab comedian’s ever done it before. So I… Especially a refugee. I wasn’t even a citizen yet. I was out there doing ’em, and then they asked me, uh… they asked me to go to Kuwait and Iraq and I was like, “Um… Huh? I’m like, “That’s where my family fled from. You want me to go back, voluntarily, into a war zone that we fled from 20 years previous? I’ll do it.” And… These psychological wounds needed to get dealt with, you know? I wanted to go see things for myself, ’cause, look, when we left… when we left Kuwait, it was quite abrupt. My father, God rest in peace, he… he was doing very well. He was in telecommunications, he did very well, and when the war happened, all the money was gone. Phwoo! Everything disappeared. Phwoo! Lives changed forever. Bam! Erased. Everybody’s panicked, but the only person that wasn’t panicked was my mom. We’re like, “Why? We don’t have any money. Why aren’t you panicked, Mom?” She’s like, “We have money.” We’re like, “What? Well, like, how much money?” “I don’t know, maybe thousands. I don’t know, maybe. I don’t know. Maybe. Give or take, thousands.” I was like, “Give or take, thousands?” My mom had her own exit strategy just in case some shit went wrong with Dad, apparently. [laughs] But she had to get my sister and myself out and the plan was we were gonna take whatever money that my mom had and we were gonna get on a bus and this bus was gonna take us to Baghdad, Baghdad to Amman, Jordan, and then a few weeks later, we were gonna fly to Houston, Texas. But it’s not that simple, okay? We found out that if they found anything valuable on you, okay, they were just gonna take it from you. So my mom grabs a razor, opens up her purse… I’ll never forget this. She cuts a perfect line behind each zipper and puts equal amounts of money on each side and then sews it up perfectly like nothin’ happened. I was like, “My God, my mother is a gangsta!” And then… And then she made two custom money belts, one for herself and one for my sister, ’cause the odds of searching women are very, very low. Then we started leaving. We get on this bus and my mom finds a little money. She’s like, “What am I gonna do? She puts it in the lining of this suitcase. It’s a little lazy, but she does it. And then… It’s too late, it’s true. She’ll tell you. We get on the bus, we start leaving. Life is changing forever. This is a really traumatic moment in my life. We started leaving. We get to Baghdad and we’re looking out the window and they’re just breaking the suitcases. They’re just ripping ’em apart, slashing them, going for it. They were hip to shit. My mom looks out the window. She goes, “They’re gonna find that money.” And then we look at my sister. She has zero gangsta skills. She is sweating profusely. She’s about to sell everybody the fuck out for sure, okay? I’m telling you, if anybody walked up to her, “Is there something we need to know, little lady?” “We have money!” She was about to… God love her. She was so scared. And my mom palms her head like she wants to crush a watermelon, but she loves her. You know, like, “Aww.” “Awww! Aww! “Aw, aw, aw! She goes, “Listen, okay? Grab your brother and get the hell away from me, okay? ‘Cause if they see your face, they’ll know immediately, all right?” So we’re like, “Whatever,” letting my mom do her thing, right? We walk off the bus, and my mom opens the suitcase, a little bit of money, she messes up all the clothes and she throws some orange peels all over it, some trash all over it, and we just walk out the bus and we’re waiting. Some time goes by, and we start walking back on the bus. Well, an Iraqi soldier sees my mother. He was like, “Hey, lady, I don’t think you ever got off the bus. What the hell absolves you from getting searched?” And he starts berating my mother, saying some really horrible shit to her, and then his superior officer sees him. He gets upset with him. He grabs him, puts him up against a wall. He’s like, “What’s wrong with you? How could you talk to this woman this way? Look at her bag, you dummy! It’s in shambles. It’s obviously been searched already. And look at this woman’s face. This is not a face of a liar.” And then he grabs him, kicks him off the bus, and then he apologized to my mother. And all I could think of is, “Damn! My mother is a gangsta!” I love you, Mama. I love you, Mama. That’s Mama right there. That’s gangsta right there. Yeah. This is all for you. I love you. I love you. That’s it. And that’s how we got here. There’s so many people with these stories. Everybody just wants a future and something to look forward to and be good about it and try to create something special for themselves. And now I had to go back to Kuwait and Iraq to revisit this entire thing. I’m staying in Saddam Hussein’s palace, using his bidet, who kicked us out to begin with. This is such a weird-ass experience! It was really so much to handle. And it’s so weird. You just get on this chopper, you land at some undisclosed location. You get out with two other comedians and they’re like, “Dance, bitch!” You’re like, “What’s goin’ on, everybody?” It’s crazy! It’s crazy! It’s really weird. It’s really weird. This one particular base was a lot more dangerous than the rest. We heard gunshots in the distance and I was like, “Hey, guys, uh, are we still doing a show?” They’re like, “Yep, in front of that bomb shelter.” I was like, “Okay.” [exhales] “Good location, I guess. Uh…” And I was closing out this show, and the two other comedians go up before me, and they hated ’em. I was like, “My God, these guys are hilarious!\ What the hell is gonna happen to me?” So I started giving myself a pep talk. I was like, “Hey, man.” [sighs] “You need to go up there and just be real, okay? Just be in their grill and be real, be yourself!” I was like, “Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good strategy!” So they introduce me, I go onstage. I was like, “Hey, guys, I know they introduced me as Mo, but it’s actually short for Mohammed! Surprise, bitches! Today’s the day!” “Aaaaaah!” [laughs] It was a horrible strategy. It was a really bad strategy. Uh… [chuckles] I’m not gonna lie. Everything… I have this filmed, right? I have this on tape. Everybody laughed. I cracked them. “Ha-ha-ha!” They started laughing, lost their shit, except one guy. He grabs his M16 so fast, he’s like, whoo! “What the hell’s goin’ on, man?” Like that, I swear. And then he had an Alabama flag tattooed on his arm. Underneath it, it says, “The South will rise again.” I was like, “My God, this guy thinks he’s fighting in the Civil War? What the fuck is goin’ on?” So being from Texas, being from the South, I wanted to give him something relatable. I was like, “Hey, man! Hey, man! Relax, baby! Relax, baby! I’m from the South too, man! Hey, hey, hey!” ♪ Boot scootin’ boogie ♪ Unh! “Hey, man, barbecue!” I don’t even know why I said it. I just panicked like a little bitch. I had nothing else to say. I just kept repeating the same damn thing. I was like, “Hey, hey, barbecue, man! Hey!” And it hypnotized him and it neutralized the entire situation. I’m not even kidding. It was great. I had a very… It was a great, great show. The other comedians were like, “That was solid.” I was like, “Yeah!” And then we started walking off the base and the sergeant looks at me and the two other comedians and he goes, “Hey, fellas, uh… Make sure to remove your name tags… ’cause we don’t want you to get kidnapped.” I was like, “Oh, shit! We could get kidnapped?” I started to freak out again. I was like, “What am I doing here?” I started sweating again. And I was like, “Hold on, Mo. You’re in Iraq. You look like everybody else there. If anybody’s gonna get kidnapped, it’s probably these two very white comedians I’m working with.” [laughs] If some terrorist were to left field us and just hop out of a van like, “Hey! Hey, this is a kidnapping! Get your asses in the van,” I’d be like, “Habibi!” [speaking Arabic] “I’m sorry, guys!” ♪ A-woo-woo-woo ♪ No, I’m just kidding. [chuckles] I would never! I like white people laughing at that. It’s great. It’s always the best. It takes the edge off. You know, I’ve just been maneuvering the system so long and workin’ through so many different things for so long that I just get out of predicaments naturally at this point. At this… Look, check this out. So I’m in Houston. I’m driving on this two-lane highway. It’s the middle of the night. I can’t see a damn thing. I miss the exit so I start making this illegal U-turn in the middle of the highway. I know. An Arab move, I get it. I am who I am, all right? I start driving up. Houston’s got a lot of ditches. I was like, “There’s a ditch!” So I put the car in reverse. As I’m doing so, I see this car speeding. Just coming up out of nowhere. I was like, “Holy shit!” And the guy barely misses me and skids off and crashes into a ditch. Chhhh! I was like, “Oh, my God, I almost got killed! That was so stupid!” I was like, “My God, Mo, this guy is still in a ditch. Hopefully he’s OK.” And then he drives out of the ditch and he parks behind me. I was so damn relieved. And then he turns on his police lights! Okay? I’m Mohammed in Texas with a substantial amount of marijuana in my possession. This is a very bad situation for me. The cop comes up to me, cursing furiously. He’s like, “What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re an idiot!” I was like, “Yes, sir. Hard to disagree, sir. That was really, really stupid. I’m an idiot.” “Yeah, you’re right it was stupid. It was real stupid. What the hell were you thinkin’?” I was like, “Sir, sir, obviously I was not thinking. I was not thinking. I’m so sorry. I was not thinking.” And then he knew he was speeding, he knew he was, like, double the damn speed limit so he started feeling guilty himself. He was like, “Oh, man. Oh,man, I could have fucking killed you!” Like, “Oh, my God, I could have really killed you!” Like, “I don’t know how… I don’t know how I didn’t kill you!” I was like, “I know how. It’s ’cause of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, that’s why.” And he goes, “You right, son. You right, son. Praise Jesus!” I was like, “Praise Jesus!” He’s like, “Praise Jesus!” I was like, “Praaaaise Jesus! ♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm ♪ [speaking Arabic] “Praise Jesus!” And then he goes, “Can I have your driver’s license, please, son, so I can make sure that everything’s okay?” I was like, “Oh, no. I was like, “Dear Jesus… please blur this man’s eyes… so he can’t read that my name is Mohammed Mustafa Amer, please.” And he grabs my driver’s license and he goes, “You know what, son? I just feel so blessed that you and I are not severely injured this evening. Why don’t you take your license and get out of here?” And I was like, “Hamdulillah!” And I just drove away. Thank you so much, Austin. Thank you. ♪ Yo, Texas raised and Gaza made ♪ ♪ With the PLO brigade Behind a barricade ♪ ♪ Extraordinary comedic range Forged in flame ♪ ♪ Brother Mohammed The world’s most popular name ♪ ♪ Are you not entertained? ♪ ♪ Ain’t no stoppin’ the train ♪ ♪ A new king is finally approachin’ But not gonna reign ♪ ♪ So let’s thank This native son of the West Bank ♪ ♪ Even though his point of embarkation Was left blank ♪ ♪ You asked for the new champion Of the laugh sport ♪ ♪ It took him, like, 20 years To get a passport ♪ ♪ So welcome to the nomadic ground We travel on ♪ ♪ Just take a peek Into the mind of a vagabond ♪ KUWAIT 1986 NEW ENGLISH SCHOOL KUWAIT 1986 HOUSTON TX 1990 1ST RETURN TO KUWAIT 2009 RAMALLAH 2015 NOT WEED BAGHDAD 2009 SADDAM HUSSEIN’S PALACE 2009 OSLO, NORWAY 2016 STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN 2016 UK TOUR 2016 DAVE CHAPPELLE TOUR DUBAI 2015 DALLAS DECEMBER 2014 COMEDY CENTRAL 2018 MEXICO CITY 2015 CHAPPELLE RADIO CITY MARQUEE 2017 AUSTIN 2017 BURIN, PALESTINE 2016 So my name is Mo. I’m gonna tell you a bit about myself, all right? Take it easy. You guys ready? Mo is actually short for Mohammed. Surprise, bitches! No, I’m kidding. Hey! Put the gun down, fucker. I got rocks, bitch. I’m good at those. | [cheering] Thank you. Thank you, thank you. What’s up, Austin? Have a seat. Austin, Texas. Man! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wow! Well, can I… [chuckles] All right, well… All right, guys. Jesus, good to see everybody, man. Uh, Austin, man, it’s beautiful. Home state of Texas, uh… It’s a good time. Yes, I am Mo, guys. You know, Mo is actually short for Mohammed. Surprise, bitches! Today is the day! Your cell phones are locked up. It’s too late for you, motherfuckers! Get the door, Aziz! No, I’m just kidding. Okay. I get all kinds of different reactions. Uh… I was in Little Rock, Arkansas. Everything is goin’ great. I say I’m an Arab-American. The whole room gets quiet, and one guy in the back goes… [Southern accent] “Oh, hell, no!” There was one black couple that actually got up and left. Like, “Mm-mm! We seen this shit before. Come on, baby,” and they just took off. It was frustrating. Mohammed is the most popular name in the world, but I can’t find one key chain with my name on it anywhere. Not one person has shared a Coca-Cola with me in America, not a single fucking person. I’ll be honest, though. I didn’t even know how popular the name was until I watched the Egyptian soccer team. Uh… They were showing a play-by-play and the commentator comes on and he’s like, “Mohammed has the ball. Mohammed pass the ball to Mohammed. Mohammed to Ahmed. Ahmed to Hamed. Aaah! Hamed to Mohammed. Mohammed to Mohammed. Mohammed to Mohammed. Mohammed! Mohammed! Mohammed! Gooooalll!” “This weed is too strong, Jeffrey. I think there’s just one guy on the team passin’ the ball to himself, bro. I’m freaking out, man!” [chuckles] Oh, man! It’s a weird time to be Mohammed, you know? It’s a weird time. It’s also weirder with Trump in office and the thing that happened with me and Eric Trump, my God, we went viral all over the place and all that happened was I got upgraded to first class. I end up sitting next to Eric Trump and then shit went super-viral! I didn’t know I was gonna get upgraded to first class, much less sittin’ next to Eric Trump, but I do know one thing. The lady that upgraded me is probably a Clinton supporter. Let’s be real. I’m just sayin’. She was probably sittin’ there like, “Oh, oh. oh, Eric Trump is on my flight? Okay. Okay. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.” I don’t know why she has a mustache. “Okay. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.” [laughs] “Oh, there’s an empty seat next to Eric? Okay. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Let me take a look at this upgrade list, uh, see who’s standing by patiently here. Oh, Mohammed Mustafa Amer! Upgrade this motherfucker immediately!” That’s probably what happened. I’m not 100% sure, but I’m, like, 99% sure ’cause I’ve never been greeted with such enthusiasm prior to boarding an aircraft. With the name Mohammed, flying out of New York, it’s just never happened. I show up, I scan my boarding pass. She’s like, “Guess who’s been upgraded? Boom, byeow, byeow, byeow, byeow!” I was like, “Oh, shit, you have an air horn? I didn’t know.” I was so dumb, though. I was like, “Yeah, it’s all these years and dedication to this airline. I’m finally gettin’ the respect that I deserve.” I’m just walking in there like, “Yeah, Million Mile Club, bitch!” You know, like… Uh… it wasn’t the case. I turned the corner, I was like, “Holy shit! Is that Eric Trump?” I was like, “Nah.” I didn’t believe it, so I put up my bag, took a second look and I saw his name on his sweater. So… no further investigation necessary. I mean, that’s what you do with the slow kid in your family when you go to a theme park… so when they get lost, they know how to identify themselves. I just… I just sat down next to him and I was like, “Salaam alaikum, Eric! How’s it goin’, man?” He was like, “Uh, everything’s cool?” I was like, “I’m just messin’ with you, man. Listen, my name’s Mohammed. I’m a Muslim, I’m Arab and a comedian, so I had to mess with you a little bit and I also came here as a refugee. Too late, bitch! I made it!” You know, it was nice. Then I shifted gears on him. He didn’t see it comin’. I was like, “Hey, you tell your dad to build all the damn walls he wants.” He was like, “What?” I was like, “That’s right. Tell your dad to build all the walls he wants. My family flew in, you know what I mean? There is no problem. One $9 Spirit Airlines flight and I’ll be back in business.” It’s just weird. I was actually born in Kuwait, right? I left Kuwait after the first Gulf War. I was nine years old. I went to a nice private British English school in Kuwait. I wore a little vest and a bow tie to school. I was an adorable Arab kid with a hint of a British accent. I was like, “‘Ello, Mum. Yeah, going to school I am, Mummy. Yeah, all right, yeah.” Then I ended up in Houston, Texas. Very proud… I’m a very proud Houstonian. Super-proud Houstonian from Alief. I’m for real. But hold on, hold on. When I got there, they put me in ESL class… which is English as a second language class, and I was the only guy that spoke English in this fuckin’ class. And my family sends me to school with a vest and a bow tie, thinking, “That’s how you go to school.” No, that’s how you get your ass whooped at school in America. I walk in, all the kids are looking at me like, “Hola. Amigo… [speaking Spanish] I was like… “Sorry? What language are you speaking?” All of a sudden, this other dude just comes up out of nowhere. He’s like, “You’re weird, dude. Golly, man! Why do you talk like that, eh?” And that was my teacher. You know, it was fucked up. My family did no research. Not one person thought of, like, “Hey, what neighborhood should we move into in Houston? Let’s just fucking go to a bunch of gang violence. That’ll make sense.” It was very tough. I didn’t know what to do. I was caught in the middle of this gang battle. There was a lot of Mexican gangs, a lot of black gangs, and they were fighting each other. And the Mexican gangs wanted to recruit me ’cause they thought I was Mexican. And there was a lot of black gangs. They wanted… They wanted to beat me up ’cause they thought I was Mexican. Really tough high school years. I’m, like, walkin’ to school, and I see these Latino gangs hangin’ out, and, obviously, this guy has seen me before and he’d just had it. He just approaches me. He was like, “Say, vato! You walk by here every day. You don’t say nothin’, don’t do nothin’. What? You ashamed of your own peoples, bro? You ashamed of your own people? This is your familia, bro! Your la raza, bro! You ashamed of your own peoples, bro? Andale, bro. You going to get broke today, bro. What’s your name, bro? Andale, what’s your name?” I was like, “Oh, man, my name is Mohammed.” He’s like, “What? For real, bro? You look exactly like Hector! I swear to God, bro.” He was like, “Hector, Hector, come check it out, dude! Check it out, bro! We found your doppelganger. Te lo juro, bro! Te lo juro!” And the fucked-up part is Hector came out. I was like, “Holy shit, I do look like Hector!” Started high-fivin’ and shit. I was like, “Oh, yeah, we all look alike! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” And then I saw some guns stickin’ out. I was like, “Oh, shit, I need to get the hell out of this situation.” And I did and I had a decent day. I really did. And then, uh, I’m going home and I see the black gangs hangin’ out and I was like, “Please. Please, not today. I’m not emotionally prepared to deal with this today. Please, just not today!” And, of course, they smelled that fear from a mile away. For real! And this guy comes up to me, he was like, “Say, Jose! You in the wrong motherfuckin’ neighborhood, Jose. You done fucked up today, Jose! Where your crew at, Jose?” I’m lookin’ around for Jose. I’m like, “Who the hell is Jose?” I was like, “Come on, man. My name is Mohammed.” He goes, “Ah, man! Salaam alaikum, brother, shit, my bad!” You know? I ended up selling all the gang members fake Rolexes. I’m not gonna lie. I was that Arab connect, that’s what I was. It was really rough, man. I had some rough times. That’s why you’ve gotta think of, like, backup plans and exit strategies. It’s important. I learned from being a refugee, you’ve gotta have plan B and C and D. That’s why I learned Spanish. Just in case some shit breaks out, I can camouflage at any moment in time. It’s gettin’ rough, man. They start hunting Arabs and Muslims, I don’t know what’ll happen. They’ll be like, chh-chh! “Hey, boy! Hey, boy, you one of them A-rabs, huh? You one of them Muslims, huh?” I’d be like, “No, vato, come on…” [mutters in Spanish] “Sí. Yo regreso a mi país, Mexico!” And just get the fuck out of there. Jump over that unfinished fence, you know what I mean? I’ve thought about it. I’ll just start selling falafel tacos, and… Start a Halal Hermanos truck in Ciudad de Mexico and shit. Just be sitting there yelling, “Ay, salsa verde con tahini sauce, puto, andale!” [chuckles] Shakin’ her head. It’s all right! She was like, “That doesn’t sound delicious at all.” Immigration is tough, you know. They talk about this extreme vetting and everything happening. Look, it took me 20 years to get my citizenship. It took my mom almost 21 years. Outrageously long. 20 years! Like, I didn’t have a… For ten of those 20 years, I travelled the world doing stand-up comedy without a passport. Really difficult to pull off, by the way. I had what they call a refugee travel document and on the front of this document, it says, “Department of Homeland Security.” All right? On the inside, in all caps, it says, “This is not a US passport.” Confuses everybody that I interact with, including the kiosk machine checkin’ in, right? Like, you get a passport, you scan your passport, you get your boardin’ pass and you out. “Aah! Party! We’re leavin’!” Right? Well, my shit doesn’t scan, so I have to show up and be like, “Um… Excuse me. Uh… Excuse me, ma’am. Can you please help me check in?” She’s like, “Sir, please scan your passport.” “Yeah, I don’t know why you’re yellin’ at me. I just got here. [sighs] Yeah, I was here a week ago and, uh, it didn’t scan, so I was just… Can you please help me check in?” “Sir, did you try it today?” “That’s a really good observation. I didn’t think about it today. Maybe today, it works.” I scan my travel document. A huge exclamation point comes up. “Please seek help from representative.” “Excuse me, ma’am. The Check Engine light just came on on this damn thing. It’s about to explode. Can you please help me check in?” She shows up. She’s like, “Sir, just give me your passport.” “Oh, God.” So I give it to her, she’s like, “Okay. Uh, sir, this is not a passport.” I was like, “Yeah, I know. I’ve been trying to talk to you since I got here. See, it’s a… it’s a travel document, so I can travel with it, because there’s visas issued from the countries that I’m visiting so obviously I can travel with it.” She’s like, “Sir… this… is not… a passport.” I was like, “I speak English perfectly, ma’am. I don’t know why you’re talkin’ to me this way. See, in 1948, the United Nations was founded and in 1951, they had a Geneva Convention and they created a Geneva passport that allows refugees and asylees to travel while they’re seeking asylum from their respective countries. But you know what? I’m just gonna blow up this whole fuckin’ airport, that’s what I’m gonna do! I mean, my God, you’re just makin’ it really difficult for me to maintain my ethics in this situation, like… I just wanna fucking go nuts, like… Why are you making it so difficult for me to be an ethical person? Like, it’s just all these fuckin’ roadblocks.” This is the beginning of a 20-hour journey. Can you imagine? This is just checkin’ in, all right? This is just checkin’… Next… “Uh, you need a passport… Uhh…” Next… “Uh, you need a passport…” “Uh, 1949, uh, muh, uh…” Boom! And then you get to the country, you finally get there and you think you’re free and they go, “Uh, your questioning.” Every fucking… Every place, there’s questioning, interrogation. Japan, by far my favorite interrogation I’ve ever had in my life. It was just an hour of them trying to figure out what I did for a living. The entire hour… The entire hour consisted of, “So, what is your occupation?” I was like, “Oh, I’m a comedian.” “Comedian?” “Yeah, yeah, I do stand-up comedy.” “Stand-up-a comed-ah?” I was like, “Yeah, man, I do comedy.” “Comed-ah?” “Yeah, I do stand-up comedy.” “Stand-up-a comed-ah?” “Yeah, I… I’m a comedian.” “Comedian?” “Am I being roasted right now? What’s happening?” “Like, what is going…” Finally, his friend walks in. I was so relieved somebody else walked in. And he goes, “Hey. Hari-san-ye. Ha-da-da. Comedian-uh.” He goes, “Oh, yeah, comedian! He’s like-uh Bill Cosby!” And that’s what got me off, was Bill Cosby. I mean, not literally, not literally. But figuratively, I swear to God. Yes! It’s exhausting. I went to England. England is probably one of the toughest countries to travel to if you don’t have a passport. Like, they’ve fucked the whole world so they feel scared that the shit’s gonna come back to them. So they are really protective of everything. Like, seriously, check this out, all right? Before you get a visa, you gotta get fingerprints. Get your visa, gotta get confirmation of fingerprints. Then you land in London and they’re like, “Ohhh. Ohhh. Ohhh. “Oh, hello, Mohammed, yeah. Ohhh. Oh, we need your fumprints, yeah, just one more time, your fumprints, oh.” I was like, “Oh, you mean thumbprints?” He was like, “That’s what I said, yeah? Fumprints. Don’t correct my English. I speak the Queen’s English.” I was like, “Well, if that’s the case, why do you end sentences with a question mark? It’s really frustrating.” I remember I was lost in London, my phone was dead. I was like, “Excuse me, sir, can you please tell me how to get to the Holiday Inn?” And he’s like, “Yeah, yeah, you just walk down this street, yeah? You make the first left, yeah? Second right, yeah? And then the hotel’s gonna be on the left-hand side, innit?” I’m like, “I don’t know! Is it, motherfucker? I’m lost!” I love touring in England, right? So I’m in Birmingham, UK, right? I’m in Birmingham, UK. I asked a guy in the front row, I was like, “What part of England are you from?” Being friendly. And he lost his shit! He was like, “I’m not British! I’m Australian! “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!” And all these Australians popped up like little fuckin’ Minions. “Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!” I was like, “Oh, shit! Whoa! Hey, time out!” Why is this so offensive? I mean… I was like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it was offensive to mistake an Australian for being British.” I was like, “My God, man, the British flag is inside of your flag! It’s in the top left-hand corner, FaceTiming your flag.” “Aaaah… “ Flags are really fascinating. No, they are. Flags are really, really fascinating, ’cause if you look at them… Just, like, you know, travelling the world as a refugee free agent, I’ve just… Just trying to decide which country I’m gonna commit to, you know, uh… I was just like, “Man, flags are, like, very tribal, you know? So tribal and… Almost like gang colors, you know?” It seemed like, just an observation, initially. Red, white and blue was intended for white gangs. Just an observation, initially. ‘Cause if you really look at it, England is all red, white and blue stripes. Just X’d out, stripes all over it, X’d out. Come to America, they’re like, “Straighten up them damn stripes! Pah, pah, pah, pah, pah! Put 50 stars on that sumbitch! Pah, pah, pah, pah, pah, pah, pah, pah! America!” You know what I mean? You go to Australia, they’ve got the British flag inside of their flags. They threw some stars in there to let America know, “Don’t hit me, OK? Do not beat me up. I’m with you.” New Zealand followed suit ’cause they had no choice. And Scandinavia’s all red, white and blue or variations of those colors. Except Sweden. Sweden’s like, “We’ll take ze blue, but ve also vant ze yellow, okay? Ve vant ze German yellow!” “All right, give them the German yellow. Jeez! Shut the fuck up, Sweden,” you know? France is red, white and blue. Holland is red, white and blue. I mean, my God, it just keeps going. So is Russia. Russia was red, white and blue, is today, but for a while, they were like the rogue white people. They were like the really rogue white people. They were like, “No! No! Fuck you! We will… We will not be red, white and blue anymore, okay? We will be Communist USSR Russia, okay? We will take over surrounding countries and we will be most powerful superpower. Fuck you, okay? Vodka!” You know what I mean? And then… And then… [chuckles] And then they had to submit at some point and they were like, “Okay, okay, okay. No more red flag with yellow hammer sickle, okay. Okay, we will give back independence to surrounding countries, okay. Every once in a while, I will fuck Ukraine! That’s the deal. That’s the deal. We will go back to red, white and blue, okay, okay. We will be democratic as well. Win elections by 99%, but no one is counting, okay? But in, like, 30 years, we will infiltrate your electoral system and give you the shittiest, weirdest presidential experience you’ve ever had! And don’t forget about our secret weapon, Kanye West.” It’s weird. I can see Kanye West in KGB meetings. ♪ She give me money…♪ “Do that one, Kanye, come on! Do that one. I like that one! ♪ Give me money! ♪ I like that, it was good.” [chuckling] [sighs] I remember I was being questioned in London, right? I’m waiting for him to come in and question me, right? And I’m sitting there and I notice there’s a poster on the wall and there’s a dog on this poster and the dog has a passport around his neck. And the headline of the poster says, “Get your pet citizenship today.” I was like, “This bitch can get her citizenship in a day?” And she was smiling at me, like, “Hey, I got a passport!” Just dangling there. I was like… It was really wildly insulting. I said to myself, “You know what? When I get back to Houston, I’m gonna call Immigration, I’m gonna use my super-white voice.” ‘Cause that’s how I get shit done over the phone. I use a super-white voice on the phone to get late checkouts and whatever I want. That’s what I do. I’m serious! So I call up Immigration and the lady answers the phone with an attitude right out of the gate. She was like, “Hi! Hi, INS. What can I do for you today?” I was like, “Hi, um… Yes, hi. Uh… I’ve been in the States, I don’t know, about, uh, 17 years at this point and, uh, I’m trying to see if I can speed up my citizenship process.” She goes, “Okay, baby. Let me look up your file here. Uh… What’s your last name?” I was like, “Oh, oh, oh, my last name? My last name is Amer.” “Huh?” “A-M-E-R. It’s almost like America without the ‘ica.’ Ah-ha-ha-ha! [guffawing] “Oh, that’s cute, baby. That’s real cute. Uh, but what’s your first name?” “My… my first name? Uh, my first name is Mohammed.” [chuckles] “Oh, quit playin’, baby! No, really, what’s your first name?” I’m like, “That is my first name!” She’s like, “Oh, you ain’t gonna get your citizenship, baby. Mm-mm! Mm-mm, mm-mm Mm! Mm! Mm! Please hold.” I was like, “What the fuck just happened to me?” This lady puts me on hold and the hold music was… ♪ Never gon’ get it Never gon’ get it, never gon’… ♪ And then she picked up the phone real quick and goes, “Whoo-whoo-whoo!” And hangs up. I was like, “Oh, shit!” Immigration’s tough. When it comes… When it comes down to it, like, towards the end of the immigration process, it’s very easy. You just have to take an American history exam, okay? It’s really, really easy. The thing is, I didn’t see it come together like this. Check this out. The lady who’s giving this exam… [sighs] She’s originally Chinese, which is fine, but she had a really thick Chinese accent. Which is fine, also. I just didn’t see it coming together like this at the end. She was more excited for me than I was for myself. I turned the corner and she was like, “Oh! Oh! Today big day! Today big day!” I was like… “Um… Is this the American citizenship office?” She’s like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, you in the right place. Come in, come in, come in, sit down, sit down, sit down!” [sighs] Wow! She goes, “Okay, fuh question.” I was like, “What? Did you just say, ‘Fuck question’?” She didn’t even stutter. She was like, “Yeah, fuh question.” She goes, “OK, who the fuh president of the United States?” I was like… I was like, “Bush.” She was like, “Correct-ah!” Says, “Come on, I know you praying. I look at your file. You been waiting here 20 year. Here’s a Mohammed key chain. Congratulation! Get out of here.” I was like, “Oh!” [chuckles] It was dope. It was that fast. It was like, “Oh, my God, this is so easy,” and then she goes, “No, no, you have to go to interview.” And it’s just like one more interrogation for old times’ sake, you know? Standing out there, I got to know this guy named Javier. We became really close. We were both nervous together.I’m like… [in Spanish] “Hi, Javier, you doing good, my friend?” “Yes, I’m well, but I’m really nervous.” “Yeah. Me too, my friend, me too.” “I’ve been waiting here two hours. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m nervous.” “I am too, I am too.” [chuckles] All of a sudden, the door opens up. [squeals] “Come on in.” “Uh… Me or Javier?” “You, sir. Please, come on in.” “He’s pointing at me, Javier.” “Be careful.” “Sit down.” “Okay.” “Please answer yes or no to the following questions.” “Okay. I mean yes. No. Whatever. I’m just nervous.” ” ‘Fuck’ question. Have you or anybody else you know been involved with or given funds to from the time period of 1933 to 1945 with the Nazi Party?” I was like, “What?” I was like, “Oh! Oh, you’re kidding! I thought you were serious, man. You had me so nervous.” “Please answer yes or no.” “No, I was not involved with the Nazi Party whatsoever, man. I wasn’t even born. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Next question. Have you or anybody else you know been involved with or given funds to any terrorist organizations, Mr. Mohammed?” Super-racist! I was like, “No, of course not. And I have to ask you a question. Who the hell says yes?” Okay? Seriously, it baffles my mind. Is this an effective method of capturing terrorists worldwide? I mean, did you catch somebody off-guard at some point? What the fuck are you talkin’ about? Have you been sittin’ there like, ‘Have you or anybody else you know been involved with any terrorist–‘ ‘You got me! Ohhh! Ohhh! You are so tricky, you know? Two more minutes, I was gonna kill all you mother-bitches, you know? Here’s the bomb. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! All right, all right, all right, take it, take it, all right.” [sighs] “Hey, cut the green wire, okay? I’m just kidding. The blue wire, all right?” [chuckles] “I don’t know!’ Huh?” Germany was probably the most interesting without my passport, you know. Such a relief to have it now, but, man, Germany was, like, I get there and the guy’s like, “Ja, ja, velcome to Germany. Can I… Can I please have your passport, please?” I’m like, “Yeah, sure. Here you go.” He’s like, “Ja, is good, ja. I look very special, ja? Oh, noooo! Oh, nooo! I say, ‘Can I have your passport, please?’ ” I’m like, “Hey, man, that is my passport.” “Vell, it cannot be your passport.” “Well, it is my passport.” “Vell, it cannot be your passport.” “Well, it is my passport.” “Vell, it cannot be your passport.” “Well, it is my passport!” “Vell, it says here it’s not a passport, ja? Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? It shows here you are born in Kuwait, ja? Can I please have your Kuwaiti passport?” I was like, “Man, I don’t have a Kuwaiti passport.” He’s like “Vy don’t you have a Kuwaiti passport!” I was like, “Relax, okay? In Kuwait, it doesn’t matter if you’re born there. It matters where your parents come from.” He goes, “Ja. Well, vere do your parents come from?” I was like, “My parents are Palestinian.” He goes, “Vell, give me your Palestinian passport.” I was like, “Bro, I don’t have a Palestinian passport!” “Well, vy don’t you have a Palestinian passport?” I was like, ” ‘Cause Palestine’s not a state!” He goes, “Well, vy don’t you make it a state? “I was like, “What? Have you not read the news the last 70 years? And by the way, I’m in Germany. This is all your fucking fault to begin with!” I thought I was gonna go to jail, I really did. His reaction shocked me. He goes, “Ja, it’s true, ja,” and just stamps my shit. I was like, “Thank you!” The most incredible experience. So nice for somebody to admit that they’re wrong immediately, you know? Germany was fine. It was easy, I got through, it was great. But you’d think the Middle East would be easier on me, but it’s much worse, you know. It’s ’cause I have family there. That’s the thing about Arabs. You’ve gotta come back with, like, 15 suitcases. It’s like this Arab protocol that your mom sends, like, a telegram or whatever they still send to each other. I’m serious. They send something, you just walk in and your aunt’s just packing everything for you, right? It’s just terrible. And there’s this one thing top of the list. It’s called mulukhiyah. It’s like spinach, but it’s not spinach. It’s better than spinach and Arabs love this stuff, okay? And I walk in and my aunt is putting it in clear plastic bags and then taping it. I’m like… I’m like, “This is… What are you doing? I’m… What are you doing?” “I’m taping it so it stays fresh.” I was like, “Yeah, I know, I know, I know. But it looks like weed, Auntie! This is terrible!” Straight up looks like bricks of marijuana. I’m like, “This is not good for me, all right?” She goes, “Don’t worry, we’ll pray for you. You’ll get there.” I was like… “I mean, I’ll take it.” And then my uncle walks in with olive oil, okay? Olive oil is the second most important thing on the list, maybe the first. But olive oil, phew, you gotta… It’s illegal. I can’t… I can’t take it back. My uncle’s walkin’ in with, like, so many bottles of olive oil. I’m like, “What are you doing?” He goes, “You’re gonna take it back with you.” I was like, “Yeah, I see what you’re doing, but I can’t take it back. It’s illegal to take olive oil back to America.” He goes, “Don’t worry. We will take off the label and we will write ‘olive juice.’ ” This is his strategy. I’m traveling back to America with what looks like three suitcases of marijuana and olive juice and God knows what other spices and goods are in my bag. I didn’t even know. I somehow make it out of Tel Aviv into New York City, all right? I get to New York, and you know how you wanna beat everybody in Immigration to get to be the first guy out, you know? And I was like, “Yeah, I’m the first guy!” And there was four Immigration officers. “You, come here.” I was like, “I’ve heard this voice before.” You know? I was still being naive. I was like, “Maybe… Maybe this is random. Maybe…” I really did. I was like, “Maybe it’s random,” and then they opened up a piece of paper with my picture on it. I was like, “This is definitely not random! Some real shit!” It was horribly embarrassing. I’m the first guy off and they’re waiting for everybody to get off. So everybody’s walkin’ off, like, “Ooh! Ooh! “Oooh! Oh. Oh!” I’m like, “Fuck you! You uhhh! Uhhh! “I didn’t do shit.” You know what I mean? And then they separate me from everybody, finally, and then take me to a whole nother room, and they were waitin’ for my bags. All my bags are sittin’ out, and I was like, “Oh, man, here we go.” And the Immigration officer comes to open up one of the bags. I was like, “Please, just don’t let it be the mulukhiyah, just please!” And of course it is. He opens it up, he almost faints. He’s like… [gasps] Like that. And he goes, “Bring the dog!” Like this. And, uh, first of all, Arabs don’t do well with dogs, okay? Number one. Number two, this is the most legit dog I have ever seen in my life. This fucking dog had a bulletproof vest, a badge and a passport around its fucking neck! I’m sick of these dogs! The dog was cocky and arrogant. He was just like, “Yeah.” He was so cocky, I attached a voice to him. All I could hear was Eddie Murphy’s voice as the donkey in Shrek. Now, he was… I’m for real! He was walking by like, “Yeah, yeah, you going to jail today, Mohammed! Yeah! If we don’t find nothing, we’ll probably put something in there for your ass.” Right? He just walks up. I was horrified. I didn’t pack this myself. I know it’s mulukhiyah, but maybe not. What the fuck are they gonna do? And the dog gets to my bag. He’s the most confident dog, and within a matter of seconds, he becomes the most confused dog. He’s sitting there, like… [chuckling] [sniffing deeply] “I don’t know, man! It looks like weed, but it’s not weed. I don’t know what to do! You wanna sniff it, Doug? I don’t know.” He just keeps scratching. Finally, he stops, urinates on my bag… and then walks away. I was like, “Oh, my God, I just witnessed a dog quit its job, man!” Amazing! I got in with everything. My uncle misspelled “olive juice.” I swear, the Immigration officer read it like, “I love Jews.” And I just went right through. I’m serious. Went right through. And, look, the olive oil we make and we bring over, we don’t just consume it. Yeah, we… we bathe in it, you know? That’s what Arabs do, man. We just use it for everything. It’s funny, ’cause my mom always wanted me to be a doctor. But it’s very difficult to get her to go to the doctor. And I figured it out. It’s because our medicine is olive oil, that’s why, and we diagnose ourselves. The diagnosis is always called lafhet hawa, OK? If you don’t know what this is, it translates to “a brisk wind,” all right? It literally translates to “a brisk wind.” You have lafhet hawa, “a brisk wind,” that’s why you got sick and then you just bathe in olive oil and take a shot of it, that’s the… that’s the protocol. So one morning, I wake up with something called Bell’s palsy, okay? Exactly. If you don’t know what this is, this is when one half of your face quits working. I just woke up one morning, trying to brush my teeth and one half of my face is not cooperating. I’m sitting there like, “Huh… “Oh, no. Huh…” [lisping] I was like, “Mama? Mama, thomething ith really wrong.” She goes, “What’s wrong, habibi?” I’m like, ” ‘What’s wrong, habibi?’ Are you theriouth? Half of my fathe ith not working, Mom.” She goes, “Don’t worry, it’s just lafhet hawa.” I’m like, “A brithk wind did thith to my fathe? I wath in bed all night, Mom. There’s no wind in my room. I thaid there’s no wind in my room.” She goes, “Don’t worry.” She grabs some olive oil, smacks my face, and goes… says a prayer, and she goes, “You’re healed!” I’m like, “I’m not healed, Mom. I’m a greasy freak, that’s all! I just…” My entire family thought I was overreacting. “You’re overreacting!” “I’m overreacting? Half of my fucking fathe is not working, I’m being a pussy? Is that what you’re thaying? I’m the pussy. Is that what you’re thaying?” They’re like, “Yeah.” I had to drive myself to the emergency room. ‘Cause we’re so gangsta. I get to the emergency room, the guy looks at me, goes, “Can I help you?” I’m like, “I hope tho.” Then he goes, “What’s the problem?” I’m like, “What’s the problem? Are you theriouth right now? You talk to my mom or thomething? What the hell do you mean, ‘What’s the problem?’ No, you know what? I woke up this morning and I thaid to mythelf, ‘You know what would be really cool? You know what’s gonna make me thtand out from the cwowd? If I could just try to talk with one half of my face!’ ” He goes, “Oh, my God, man, half of your face is not working. It could be a stroke. Walk back and forth.” I was like, “Stroke? Okay! Okay! Is it a stroke?” He goes, “I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.” I was like, “What? Take me to a doctor, you asshole!” He takes me back there. I’m so scared. I’m sittin’ there, the doctor comes in. He’s like, “Can I help you?” I’m like, “What do you mean? Nobody talked to you already? We’re in Houston, the most pwogwessive healthcare thystem in the entire world, nobody communicates with anybody here? Hey, fella, half of my face is not working, OK?” He goes, “Oh, my God, man! It could be a stroke. Walk back and forth.” I’m like, “You’d better be a doctor, I thwear to God. I’ll blow up this whole fucking hospital! I’ll do it!” He’s like, “You’re fine, man. It’s not a stroke.” I’m like, “How can you say I’m fine? Thank you for confirming it’s not a stroke, but half of my fathe is not working, tho what is it?” He goes, “I have no idea. I’ll be back in 15 minutes.” Finally, the doctor comes back in. He’s like, “Mohammed… Mohammed, we’ve diagnosed it.” I was like, “Okay, Doctor. Don’t be scared, Doctor. Just tell me what it is. Don’t be scared!” He’s like, “Mohammed, we’ve diagnosed it as Bell’s palsy.” “Oh, my God…” [gasps] “I have Bell’s palsy? What the hell is Bell’s palsy?” He goes, “Bell’s palsy is when one half of your face quits working.” I’m like, “I know what happened! But why? Why does it happen?” He goes, “A brisk wind, that’s why.” I’m like, “Are you theriouth?” Oh, my family made fun of me for a while. It was great. My family is fun, though. I mean, my family is great. They’re everything to me and, you know, we have the worst luck. We really do. We have the worst luck. Check this out. I have a brother, Omar, who happened to become a pilot. I’m like, “Solid career choice, Omar! Solid career choice!” No, he’s doing great. The FBI came over our house. We squared everything up. Everything’s fine. No, they really did. The FBI came to our house, or as my uncle calls them, the “Fibby,” no joke. Looked me with a straight face. He goes, “Hey! The Fibby’s coming!” I’m like, “Who?” He’s like, “The Fibby! The Fibby!” I’m like, “What are you saying?” He starts to act it out. “The Fibby, you know? The Fibby!” I’m like… We figured it out eventually. He’s the same uncle that can’t say “pharmacy.” He says “paharmacy” 100% of the time. The most brilliant man I know. He’s like, “I have a chest infection. Take me to the ‘parhamacy.’ ” I was like, “Oh. Oh, you mean ‘pharmacy.’ ” He’s like, “You’re so stupid, okay? There’s a P in front of the ‘harmacy!’ ” I was like, “Yeah, that’s… that’s true.” And I have a nephew named Osama, okay? I mean, what this poor kid had to endure! I hate that fact. There’s so many terrorist acts done by white people, not a single person is changing their kid’s name from being Timothy, right? It’s fucking insane! This poor kid! This kid has to deal with so much, I can only imagine. Like, his ninth birthday was an obstacle. I walked up to him after the party was over. I saw he had a new Xbox, only one game. We’re in Houston. I was like, “Hey, buddy, let’s go to Walmart. I’ll buy you all the games you want.” He was like, “Yeah!” When we get to Walmart, man, he’s nine years old. He’s running away. I can’t call him. I’m sitting there like, “Hey, Osa… Pssssssst! Pssssst! “Sammy!” That’s a good one. “Hey, Sammy, come here!” And whatever he was goin’ through just bubbled up to the surface. He was like, “No! My name’s Osamaaaaa!” I’m like, “Shut up!” You know? [speaking Spanish] I just got the fuck out of there. [chuckles] [laughs] I mean, you gotta have backup plans, you know? You’ve gotta be ready. It was tough, you know? You know, I did a lot of shows for US troops, like a lot of entertainers do. I did over, like, 100 military bases worldwide. I wanted to experience it for myself and I wanted to go just… just see it for myself. I wanted to show them a new perspective. I’m sure no Arab comedian’s ever done it before. So I… Especially a refugee. I wasn’t even a citizen yet. I was out there doing ’em, and then they asked me, uh… they asked me to go to Kuwait and Iraq and I was like, “Um… Huh? I’m like, “That’s where my family fled from. You want me to go back, voluntarily, into a war zone that we fled from 20 years previous? I’ll do it.” And… These psychological wounds needed to get dealt with, you know? I wanted to go see things for myself, ’cause, look, when we left… when we left Kuwait, it was quite abrupt. My father, God rest in peace, he… he was doing very well. He was in telecommunications, he did very well, and when the war happened, all the money was gone. Phwoo! Everything disappeared. Phwoo! Lives changed forever. Bam! Erased. Everybody’s panicked, but the only person that wasn’t panicked was my mom. We’re like, “Why? We don’t have any money. Why aren’t you panicked, Mom?” She’s like, “We have money.” We’re like, “What? Well, like, how much money?” “I don’t know, maybe thousands. I don’t know, maybe. I don’t know. Maybe. Give or take, thousands.” I was like, “Give or take, thousands?” My mom had her own exit strategy just in case some shit went wrong with Dad, apparently. [laughs] But she had to get my sister and myself out and the plan was we were gonna take whatever money that my mom had and we were gonna get on a bus and this bus was gonna take us to Baghdad, Baghdad to Amman, Jordan, and then a few weeks later, we were gonna fly to Houston, Texas. But it’s not that simple, okay? We found out that if they found anything valuable on you, okay, they were just gonna take it from you. So my mom grabs a razor, opens up her purse… I’ll never forget this. She cuts a perfect line behind each zipper and puts equal amounts of money on each side and then sews it up perfectly like nothin’ happened. I was like, “My God, my mother is a gangsta!” And then… And then she made two custom money belts, one for herself and one for my sister, ’cause the odds of searching women are very, very low. Then we started leaving. We get on this bus and my mom finds a little money. She’s like, “What am I gonna do? She puts it in the lining of this suitcase. It’s a little lazy, but she does it. And then… It’s too late, it’s true. She’ll tell you. We get on the bus, we start leaving. Life is changing forever. This is a really traumatic moment in my life. We started leaving. We get to Baghdad and we’re looking out the window and they’re just breaking the suitcases. They’re just ripping ’em apart, slashing them, going for it. They were hip to shit. My mom looks out the window. She goes, “They’re gonna find that money.” And then we look at my sister. She has zero gangsta skills. She is sweating profusely. She’s about to sell everybody the fuck out for sure, okay? I’m telling you, if anybody walked up to her, “Is there something we need to know, little lady?” “We have money!” She was about to… God love her. She was so scared. And my mom palms her head like she wants to crush a watermelon, but she loves her. You know, like, “Aww.” “Awww! Aww! “Aw, aw, aw! She goes, “Listen, okay? Grab your brother and get the hell away from me, okay? ‘Cause if they see your face, they’ll know immediately, all right?” So we’re like, “Whatever,” letting my mom do her thing, right? We walk off the bus, and my mom opens the suitcase, a little bit of money, she messes up all the clothes and she throws some orange peels all over it, some trash all over it, and we just walk out the bus and we’re waiting. Some time goes by, and we start walking back on the bus. Well, an Iraqi soldier sees my mother. He was like, “Hey, lady, I don’t think you ever got off the bus. What the hell absolves you from getting searched?” And he starts berating my mother, saying some really horrible shit to her, and then his superior officer sees him. He gets upset with him. He grabs him, puts him up against a wall. He’s like, “What’s wrong with you? How could you talk to this woman this way? Look at her bag, you dummy! It’s in shambles. It’s obviously been searched already. And look at this woman’s face. This is not a face of a liar.” And then he grabs him, kicks him off the bus, and then he apologized to my mother. And all I could think of is, “Damn! My mother is a gangsta!” I love you, Mama. I love you, Mama. That’s Mama right there. That’s gangsta right there. Yeah. This is all for you. I love you. I love you. That’s it. And that’s how we got here. There’s so many people with these stories. Everybody just wants a future and something to look forward to and be good about it and try to create something special for themselves. And now I had to go back to Kuwait and Iraq to revisit this entire thing. I’m staying in Saddam Hussein’s palace, using his bidet, who kicked us out to begin with. This is such a weird-ass experience! It was really so much to handle. And it’s so weird. You just get on this chopper, you land at some undisclosed location. You get out with two other comedians and they’re like, “Dance, bitch!” You’re like, “What’s goin’ on, everybody?” It’s crazy! It’s crazy! It’s really weird. It’s really weird. This one particular base was a lot more dangerous than the rest. We heard gunshots in the distance and I was like, “Hey, guys, uh, are we still doing a show?” They’re like, “Yep, in front of that bomb shelter.” I was like, “Okay.” [exhales] “Good location, I guess. Uh…” And I was closing out this show, and the two other comedians go up before me, and they hated ’em. I was like, “My God, these guys are hilarious!\ What the hell is gonna happen to me?” So I started giving myself a pep talk. I was like, “Hey, man.” [sighs] “You need to go up there and just be real, okay? Just be in their grill and be real, be yourself!” I was like, “Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good strategy!” So they introduce me, I go onstage. I was like, “Hey, guys, I know they introduced me as Mo, but it’s actually short for Mohammed! Surprise, bitches! Today’s the day!” “Aaaaaah!” [laughs] It was a horrible strategy. It was a really bad strategy. Uh… [chuckles] I’m not gonna lie. Everything… I have this filmed, right? I have this on tape. Everybody laughed. I cracked them. “Ha-ha-ha!” They started laughing, lost their shit, except one guy. He grabs his M16 so fast, he’s like, whoo! “What the hell’s goin’ on, man?” Like that, I swear. And then he had an Alabama flag tattooed on his arm. Underneath it, it says, “The South will rise again.” I was like, “My God, this guy thinks he’s fighting in the Civil War? What the fuck is goin’ on?” So being from Texas, being from the South, I wanted to give him something relatable. I was like, “Hey, man! Hey, man! Relax, baby! Relax, baby! I’m from the South too, man! Hey, hey, hey!” ♪ Boot scootin’ boogie ♪ Unh! “Hey, man, barbecue!” I don’t even know why I said it. I just panicked like a little bitch. I had nothing else to say. I just kept repeating the same damn thing. I was like, “Hey, hey, barbecue, man! Hey!” And it hypnotized him and it neutralized the entire situation. I’m not even kidding. It was great. I had a very… It was a great, great show. The other comedians were like, “That was solid.” I was like, “Yeah!” And then we started walking off the base and the sergeant looks at me and the two other comedians and he goes, “Hey, fellas, uh… Make sure to remove your name tags… ’cause we don’t want you to get kidnapped.” I was like, “Oh, shit! We could get kidnapped?” I started to freak out again. I was like, “What am I doing here?” I started sweating again. And I was like, “Hold on, Mo. You’re in Iraq. You look like everybody else there. If anybody’s gonna get kidnapped, it’s probably these two very white comedians I’m working with.” [laughs] If some terrorist were to left field us and just hop out of a van like, “Hey! Hey, this is a kidnapping! Get your asses in the van,” I’d be like, “Habibi!” [speaking Arabic] “I’m sorry, guys!” ♪ A-woo-woo-woo ♪ No, I’m just kidding. [chuckles] I would never! I like white people laughing at that. It’s great. It’s always the best. It takes the edge off. You know, I’ve just been maneuvering the system so long and workin’ through so many different things for so long that I just get out of predicaments naturally at this point. At this… Look, check this out. So I’m in Houston. I’m driving on this two-lane highway. It’s the middle of the night. I can’t see a damn thing. I miss the exit so I start making this illegal U-turn in the middle of the highway. I know. An Arab move, I get it. I am who I am, all right? I start driving up. Houston’s got a lot of ditches. I was like, “There’s a ditch!” So I put the car in reverse. As I’m doing so, I see this car speeding. Just coming up out of nowhere. I was like, “Holy shit!” And the guy barely misses me and skids off and crashes into a ditch. Chhhh! I was like, “Oh, my God, I almost got killed! That was so stupid!” I was like, “My God, Mo, this guy is still in a ditch. Hopefully he’s OK.” And then he drives out of the ditch and he parks behind me. I was so damn relieved. And then he turns on his police lights! Okay? I’m Mohammed in Texas with a substantial amount of marijuana in my possession. This is a very bad situation for me. The cop comes up to me, cursing furiously. He’s like, “What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re an idiot!” I was like, “Yes, sir. Hard to disagree, sir. That was really, really stupid. I’m an idiot.” “Yeah, you’re right it was stupid. It was real stupid. What the hell were you thinkin’?” I was like, “Sir, sir, obviously I was not thinking. I was not thinking. I’m so sorry. I was not thinking.” And then he knew he was speeding, he knew he was, like, double the damn speed limit so he started feeling guilty himself. He was like, “Oh, man. Oh,man, I could have fucking killed you!” Like, “Oh, my God, I could have really killed you!” Like, “I don’t know how… I don’t know how I didn’t kill you!” I was like, “I know how. It’s ’cause of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, that’s why.” And he goes, “You right, son. You right, son. Praise Jesus!” I was like, “Praise Jesus!” He’s like, “Praise Jesus!” I was like, “Praaaaise Jesus! ♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm ♪ [speaking Arabic] “Praise Jesus!” And then he goes, “Can I have your driver’s license, please, son, so I can make sure that everything’s okay?” I was like, “Oh, no. I was like, “Dear Jesus… please blur this man’s eyes… so he can’t read that my name is Mohammed Mustafa Amer, please.” And he grabs my driver’s license and he goes, “You know what, son? I just feel so blessed that you and I are not severely injured this evening. Why don’t you take your license and get out of here?” And I was like, “Hamdulillah!” And I just drove away. Thank you so much, Austin. Thank you. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-norton-american-degenerate-transcript/ | JIM NORTON: AMERICAN DEGENERATE (2013) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | jim norton | This year I wanted the opening of my new special to feel, well, special. So I wanted to get somebody who is not only well known but who my audience will understand is very important to me personally. Wow, that’s, I’m honored Jimmy. Not you. Oh. No offense but I was kind of hoping for someone a little more famous. Oh why would I be offended, my best friend is a shallow twat that doesn’t think I’m famous enough to talk on camera before he does an hour of creepy dick jokes. [LAUGHTER] Creepy dick jokes? It’s my comedy special. It’s not creepy. [Gasping] [laughter] Don’t be scared you little bitch, you doing good. [CHEERING] I’m your number one fan, you’re my favorite character. I cried when you got shot. You’re one annoying mother fucker, you do know that right? [KNOCKING] Come in. [LAUGHTER] Everything alright? Yea, everything is good. Are those tits on your back? They do look nice. Ha ha, thanks. Please let me know when you’re done violating Mr. Norton cause he’s got to get on stage soon. Shit. Damn. Well in that case, everybody get on your mother fucking feet and lets give a warm mother fucking welcome for the legendary Jim Norton! Yea baby! [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank you. Thanks. I am so happy to be finally shooting a special in Boston. Thank you for coming. It’s great to be here. Ah, I got to start off with some good news. Uh, Casey Anthony, uh, has announced that she’s bankrupt, which is nice to know. Ah, and she says she wants to change her name because she’s getting death threats, so she wants to change it to something less controversial. I vote for “Hitler 9/11 Cunt.” What a horrible woman. At worst-case scenario she killed her kid. At best case, she knew the kid was missing and she did nothing. I am this close from not wanting to fuck her. As of right now I still do. You know, one kid we’ve all lost, but one more dead kid and she’s on thin ice with me. There’s a new pope. What a weird thing to see in our lifetimes. I like the new pope better than the last pope, because the last guy, Benedict, gave me the creeps. He just looked like a little mouth– [MUMBLING] He looked like that guy that gets stuff for Dracula in the afternoon. The new pope I like. I was hoping for a black pope. I think it’s time. And you know he would already own his own red shoes, purple robes and bulletproof car. I hope I didn’t offend the one black person in attendance. Thank God you’re here. I need a more diversified audience. My audience is white and Grand Wizard. I wish I had more black fans. I really– I feel like black people don’t like me. And I was talking to Patrice one time, and I said– [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Yeah. I was talking to Patrice, and I’m like, “Why don’t black people like me?” And he goes, “I don’t know.” He goes, “I think that black people should like you, but we look at you and think we shouldn’t.” And it just made sense. I got it. I’m like, Yes, this is not the look that endears you to black people. This is not the friendly look. I look like every guy on the jury in 1955. And I love coming up here so much. This is one of the few cities I actually go out and enjoy while I’m here. I literally am so obsessive with work. I don’t travel to do anything for fun. The last thing I did just for the fuck of it was I went to Chicago over the summer to see Sabbath at Lollapalooza, which um… Yeah, I went to see Sabbath. And I have this really weird thing. Like, during a comedy show you guys know that you can’t yell to each other, but why is it when you’re watching a band people feel free to put their stupid face this close and just tell you what a great time they’re having? “Dude, this is amazing.” With that fucking beer breath. And you’re like, “Ugh, well, it would be better if you were dead. Shutp.” I hate it. So I’m watching Sabbath. They had just come out. Ozzy was literally into the first verse of the opening song, and this girl comes up and starts talking to me. And I can see that she’s really drunk, and she looks high as well. So I’m like, All right, good, I’ll talk to her. Because it turns me on a lot when I see a girl trying to focus. Because I’m thinking, “Ooh, she’ll never remember this.” I’m just fast-forwarding until she’s puking out my passenger window and I can do this to her heinie. Or if we’re in England… But at first I didn’t know her. She walks up to me and it was like she was really loaded, and she goes, “Hey, are you Jim Norton?” And I said, “Yes, I am.” And she goes, “Oh, God, I love you.” And then she reaches out and grabs my dick and starts squeezing. That’s the whole story. That’s the beginning, middle and end of a story I call “Yay, Chicago.” And my manager’s always trying to get me to travel more. He’s always like, “You got to go out and see the world, because all you do is gigs.” Like, he’s been to Afghanistan, he’s been to Indonesia. He goes to, like, these hard-core Islamic countries. And he’s a Jew. And he’s just one of those guys who embraces all cultures, and they know to like him. I don’t know how he gets away with going to these places, but he’s like, “You just don’t understand the Middle East.” I’m like, “I know, and I don’t want to learn on the job.” But here’s the thing. Every piece of footage I see from the Middle East is they’re angry at us for some reason, and I never know what it is because I don’t speak the language. And I guess the last one was uh, Benghazi, over in ah, in Libya. And there was all these crazy riots, and– It looked like it was a 9/11 anniversary ah, thing. But at first they said, “No, it’s about a movie that Muslims found offensive,” which actually made sense to me, because I’ve seen movies I didn’t like. And I tried to gather up a group of people to burn the theater down and kill everyone in it, you know, while we all stood outside chanting “Caddyshack 2, Caddyshack 2.” And what’s so scary is, like, whenever they riot in the Middle East, they always yell “Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar.” That is scary shit. But it shouldn’t be scary, because I think literally translated it means “God is great, ” which shouldn’t that make you feel good when you hear it? Even if you’re not religious. Like, even if you’re an atheist, if someone yells “God is great,” you ought to go, “Ah, what the fuck. He’s all right, I guess.” But if you’re in Libya and you hear “Allahu Akbar,” duck. And, you know, fair enough. I’ve never seen it said at fun times. Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve never seen, like, footage of a 9-year-old’s birthday party where everyone’s sitting around, you know, “Allahu Akbar.” If I did see that I’d be afraid when he blew out the candle the cake would explode. But then people accuse me of being anti-Muslim or anti-Islamic. I’m not at all. Hey, it’s not my fault “Allahu Akbar” has become the “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” of beheading videos. And look, it’s not to say we don’t have violence in America. Obviously we have gun violence here, which is scary. And I have weird feelings about the second Amendment, because that’s like the big raging debate. Like, I believe in the second Amendment. I think that if somebody is responsible, they should be able to own a gun and defend themselves responsibly. However, I don’t think I should be able to own one. I firmly believe that if you’re qualified, God bless you, get a gun. I am not mentally able to own a gun. And I know this, because at least five times a day I think, “I wish I had a gun right now.” Like, not even to shoot people. Like, it must be so much fun just to brandish it. Like, if somebody cuts you off that’s not a murder-able offense, but how good does it feel to pull up to the light– Beep, beep, beep. –and then when they look, just show them. Just to see that look on their face. “Aah!” That I’ve tangled with the wrong fellow. And then you really freak him out: you put it under your own chin. I came here, ah, I was in L.A. this week, and I came to ah, Boston directly from– and I realize I hate little weather jokes a lot. That just is something I– Do you know when people make little jokes? Just a little innocent joke about the weather, you know? Nothing too…like, it was kind of cold when I got off the plane, and someone said, “I wish you would have brought some of that sunny weather from California with you.” I just thought, How nice would it be to: “What?” And then as they’re repeating the joke, you take the butt of the gun and you crack their fucking nose. “You touch her again and you’re dead!” I humiliated myself on the flight too. I mean humiliated myself. Because men have this really weird thing where we never want to seem, like, homoerotic or gay around each other. Like, we never want to be misinterpreted as being– hitting on each other, which probably robs us of a lot of nice moments. But have you ever been around another guy, and he smells really good? And you want to go, like, “Dude, you smell really good. What are you wearing?” But you’re afraid if you say that it will come off as homoerotic. So if you do ask, you have to ask like an alpha male. “Hey, what is that?” So I’m on the uh, I’m on the plane, and this guy gets on and sits next to me. And he smelled delicious. But I realize there’s no masculine way to go, “Hey, man, what are you wearing? Because I just want to gobble you up right now.” So I’m like, all right, I’ll just ask once we land, you know, because this way if it’s creepy or uncomfortable we don’t have to spend six hours next to each other. But I am not going to lie: I enjoyed him for the entire flight. I sat, like, closer than I needed to, and I kept leaning over sneaking sniffs, asking questions I didn’t even need the answer to. “So, uh, how much longer do you think it’ll be?” [SNIFFING] He’s like, “I don’t know. I’m sure they’ll tell us once we take off.” So we finally landed and I had to just ask him. I’m like, “Dude, not to be weird or creepy, but, you know, since the minute you sat down I wanted to ask about your cologne, because you smell amazing. What are you wearing?” And he goes, “I don’t wear cologne.” Good. Do you understand the subtext of what I said to that guy? “You know, I’ve really been enjoying your man-scent across the entire continental United States. I’ve been breathing you in through three time zones. You know that thing nature gives us so we find the appropriate mate? I just… [APPLAUSE] Hey, not for nothing, man, but your pheromones had me creaming.” And the really creepy part was that I said to him, “From the minute you sat down.” Like, why did I have to explain that? I’m such a douche. I basically told him, “Hey, you had me at hello.” But I could see after I said that he’s rewinding through the whole flight and getting grossed out, because he’s like remembering all those weird little moments, like when I accidentally fell asleep on his neck for an hour and a half, or when he got up to go to the bathroom how I didn’t sit back; I just let his ass cheeks brush across my face. I’ve been single for a while, man. You think this is a good way to meet a girl? If I see a girl sitting in a bar and her arms are up on the bar, I’ll walk over and go, “Hello.” You think the finger walk is sexy? “Somebody looks thirsty.” And then I say cute things, because women like it when you’re cute. Like, “Oh, boy, I sure would like to get to know you.” Oh, don’t listen to him, you know? I scold my fingers the way a ventriloquist scolds his puppet because they say sassy things. “I’d eat your ass even if it was bleeding.” Oh, guys! And I love when guys say, “Oh, you just walk up to a girl and talk to her.” Like, that’s easier said than done. I find that certain professions of women are harder to hit on. It’s like, you know, if you’re talking to a bartender it’s fairly easy, because it’s okay to flirt, but I fly a lot. Flight attendants very difficult to hit on, because the nature of their work is they’re always busy, you only see them at their job and there’s all these people, like, in close proximity. So first of all it’s creepy to call somebody over to hit on them. I was on a JetBlue flight– And I fall in love immediately. You ever see somebody and you just go, like, I want her to be my girlfriend? Like, I love her. This girl just, like, made the announcements and I’m like, I want to spend the rest of my life just kissing her. But I didn’t know how to do it, you know? I felt– You know… doing You know, you’re in the window seat. “You want to go out?” That works in romantic comedies. Like, if you’re in a rom-com, all the people in the seats around you are like, “You ought to go out with him. He’s got a lot of pizzazz.” But in real life everybody just kind of avoids eye contact and they’re fucking humiliated for you. Oh, you douche bag. So I said, All right, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll write her a little a note, I’ll hand her a note. Because that’s kind of childish, but I’m like, this way she won’t feel pressure to be overly polite in front of me. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Because if I ask in front of people, then she’s got to, like, make up an excuse. Like, “Oh, no, I would but I’ve got AIDS and hepatitis.” You know? Then how stupid do I look going, “I don’t care, I’ll fuck you.” So I wrote her a little note, like, “Hey, let’s go out to dinner when we land.” And I handed it to her. And when I handed it to her, she looked scared. And then I realized, Oh Christ, you just handed a note to a flight attendant. So I panicked and I was like, “Oh, it’s not dangerous or nothing.” Which is like handing a girl a drink and going, “Come on, I didn’t roofie it.” Which is a lie. You want to creep a girl out, hand her a drink and then stare while she downs it. Follow the arch of the glass with your head. And then when she’s finished, walk by and mumble, “Good girl.” Sometimes situationally it’s hard too. Not even a job and not even about the woman. Like, there’s a girl in my gym I am dying to fuck, but I’m scared to hit on her and here’s why: I realize I can’t hide my agenda when I’m talking to her. Because, like, women– We always have to hide our initial agenda. Like, whenever you talk to a girl, she knows what you want. Like, if you walk up and go, “Hey, where are you from?” she doesn’t think, like, “Oh, he must be interested in my accent.” She knows you just want to stick it in her shitter. But we have to go through this little social dance with each other. It’s what separates us from the animals. But when I’m looking at this girl in the gym in her little skin-tight yoga pants and her camel toe, I can’t hide my agenda. Like, I immediately get creepy face. And no girl wants to go out with you when you look like Pyle right before he shot himself in Full Metal Jacket. And this girl’s– I’m an ass fanatic. Like, I like a girl’s ass. But her ass is so fucking juicy. Oh, my God. Dude, it’s plump. It’s like a Jessica from Roger Rabbit ass on a white girl, which is fucking mind-boggling. And, like, we’ve all seen nice asses before, but her ass, like, it changed me. Like, I’ve never talked to her once, but if she had nowhere to live I’d go, “Fuck it, just move in with me. I’ll pay for everything and you can have half if we get divorced.” I don’t know what kind of person she is. I don’t care if she’s a Nazi or if she’s manic-depressive and gets that white shit in the corner of her mouth. So what? What’s the worst that’s going to happen? She’s bipolar? All right, good. She’ll sit on my face and then be a little cranky. I’ll live with it. Whoo, is her ass juicy! Like two little plump, firm teardrops mushed together. And the way the thong– It goes so far in. Like, I love a deep ass crack. And I don’t know how she gets her thong in that far. I can picture her putting it in and then just yanking it… and handing it to somebody on a speedboat, and they take off. She hold on to the dock. It cuts in deep. Her ass is split deep. It’s like Mississippi in 1960. Good God, I love a deep ass crack. And there’s no way to tell a girl that. Like, it’s such a weird fetish to have. like, if you like a girl’s hair you say like, “Hey, I really like your hair.” But, you know, you can’t walk up and go, “Your ass crack… the depth of it. I mean, it looks like the McDonald’s “M”. I just…” Ooh, do I want to put my face in her ass! I just want to sniff it. Just… I would wear her thong under my nose like a Halloween mustache. I would just walk around with it all day and do mustache things. Tie somebody to the railroad tracks. I’ve never talked to this girl, and she hates my fucking guts. She hates me, because I was following her up– I was walking up the steps, behind her, and I was following her. I didn’t care where she– If she was going up to the roof and jumped I would have followed her right off and tried to nose-dive right into her fucking juicy ass. But I was staring. She was, like, ten steps ahead of me. And I’m looking up into her ass crack, and I could see the juicy, deep crack. But when she stepped up I could see up into the camel toe. I didn’t mean to do it. It was totally involuntary. But I just went, “Aah!” And, of course, she turned around, because somebody’s making Young Frankenstein noises on the steps. Have you ever been so busted you could only make this face? “Boy, I sure would like to smell your heinie hole.” Now, now! I’ll tell you, there’s one guy in the gym I hate. I’m pretty open sexually. I don’t care what you like sexually. None of it is weird to me. But there’s a certain type of exhibitionism that I’ve learned to really hate. Some guys go to the gym just because they want to be naked in front of other guys. And there’s one guy, every time I’ve seen this fuck in the locker room, he’s naked. Doesn’t matter if it’s early or– Like, right now the gym is closed; if we flew to New York and kicked in the gym door and turned on the light, this bag of shit would be futzing around. Just futzing around naked. Every time I’ve seen him. And he always acts like he’s doing something. And first of all, he’s fucking 70 years old with a bald head and a big, stupid hard stomach. He looks like Danny DeVito when he played the Penguin in “Batman.” And he always pretends that he’s doing other stuff. That’s what annoys me. It’s almost the insult to my intelligence. It’s like, do you think I don’t know what you’re doing? Like, he’s always acting busy. If I walked into the locker room and he just went, “Huh?” I’d probably go, “Ah, you got me. Good one.” It’s like, don’t try to trick me, stupid. Like, you walk in and he’ll be cleaning his ears like naked in the mirror. And then you’ll come back 25 minutes later, he’s still cleaning his ear. Or you’ll go into the bathroom and he’s nude, barefoot, just brushing his teeth, looking in the mirror with his stupid dick mushed up against the sink. His fatty pubis mushed up against the sink. And that’s disgusting, because that’s where I put my lunch. And I’m not exaggerating for the bit. I swear to God, he has the smallest cock I have ever seen on a human being. Not even an adult. From baby up. It’s like a little fucking mushroom. It’s like I want to ask him about it. His cock is so small. I want to go, like, “Look, I know this is rude, but that is unacceptable.” I’ll bet if you get him drunk there’s a great story behind it. Like, “Well, I used to install windows for a living…” And it’s surrounded by an unkempt tuft of gray pubic hair, which I want to yank out with my bare fucking hands. And I know he’d be so shocked and upset. Like, “Why are you doing this?” And I’d have to be honest: “I don’t know, I don’t know, but it needed doing.” And I hate his balls so much. I’ve never had a visceral reaction to someone’s balls. His balls are this big. The whole thing, it looks like a hornet’s nest with a doorbell in the middle… and a filthy gray sunflower around it. I want to set his cock and balls on fire and then put them out with a shovel. By the way, do you know how many times I’ve had to see him naked to give you that description? I don’t stop him when he walks by– “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” That’s 20 or 30 accidental “Aah!” “Aah!” And I know he’s doing it on purpose. And I know you might think, Well, he’s a really old guy; that generation looked at nudity differently, so he’s not self-conscious. No. Here’s how I know it’s on purpose. A week or two ago I’m going from the shower to my locker, and from behind me I heard… [CLAPPING] So I turned around. That sound was this creep powdering his balls. And that’s exactly how he was doing it. Not even in front of the mirror. Just in the middle of the locker room like a retarded bongo player. Do you know how loud you have to powder your balls for me to hear it in an open space? I actually stepped aside; I thought a horse was galloping behind me. We’ve all powdered our balls before, but it’s quiet. There you go. That’s what it sounds like. The rule of thumb is that blind people should never know when you’re powdering your balls. I could powder my balls over your face, you’d never know I was there. The next morning you’d probably wake up and wonder why there’s two muddy footprints on your pillow. I don’t know why my feet had to be filthy at the end of that joke. Obviously I just showered and powdered my balls, but I guess I walked through roofing tar on the way to your house. So uh, you know, I have been working out. And I came yesterday– Honestly, the first thing I did when I got to town was I got a massage. [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] Well, to answer your question, yes. There was a happy ending. I had to do it. But that counts as far as I’m concerned. She was not happy at all. She came back in: “What are you doing?” Uh, your job. The most common question I get– I get e-mails about this all the time. People say, “How do you make a regular massage turn into a happy ending?” And there’s no definitive answer, because to be honest with you, 90 percent of the massages I get remain massages, because I go to legitimate masseuses. But the 10 percent that become happy endings really spoils the other 90 percent. Because picture if every 1 out of 10 times you went to the grocery store somebody jerked you off in the frozen food aisle. It would make your other 9 trips seem a little lackluster. You’d be walking around with, you know, two heads of lettuce and a carrot. Ahem! Ahem! So the way to test the waters with a massage therapist is through body language. Because you have to be respectful, beuse massage therapists are not prostitutes. Now, I know this, because enough of them have screamed that in my face. And neither one of you knows the other one. You don’t know if the other one’s a cop and this whole thing is a sting operation, so you can’t say anything too obvious. “Would you touch my testicles for money?” So you ease into it. Like, say you’re laying there and she’s rubbing the hamstrings. I’ll start pushing my hips back a little bit and then making this noise. [GROANING] Oh, sorry for you people. [GROANING] Which is massage lingo for, “You’re getting warmer, warmer.” Now, she knows exactly what I’m doing, so she will answer nonverbally in one of two ways. She’ll either say no way by going from my hamstrings down to my ankles and rubbing, like, the ankles and the calves. So in my mind I go, All right, mission abort. It’s not going to happen. Because you have to be a psychopath to misinterpret ankles as the next step in a hand job. Ooh, she must want me to scooch down three feet. Sitting on the end of the table, my legs dangling off, just tweetling my nipples like a baboon. Or, after I go– [GROANING] –she’ll move a little higher on the hamstring towards what I call earning a tip. And then she’ll give me a very, very subtle signal. Because again, she’s not 100 percent sure. So she’ll do something like lightly brush my scrotum. Just a light little brush as she’s going from one leg to the other. Just a little heedle leedle leedle lee It’s such a light touch that she could go, “Oh, I didn’t mean to do that.” And I could go, “I didn’t even notice you did it, officer.” We both have plausible deniability. Now, the only thing to be careful is there are certain massage therapists who give little sexy signals. Like, they’ll flick your nips or do something sexy, but they have no intention on giving you a hand release. These women should be killed. By the way, do you know how much fun it is to come on stage and talk about this, and nobody gives a shit? I’m so lucky to, like, just be a fucking comic, and nobody– Like, it’s never going to hurt me to talk about my personal life. Like, you know, if I ever get busted with a prostitute, no Jim Norton fan’s going to go, “Oh, I won’t be buying his DVDs anymore.” You know, people would probably go, “Come on, let’s go to the show. I want to hear exactly what happened.” I feel bad for real celebrities and, like, actors and stuff who can’t have that kind of openness. Like, I feel like they have to live inside this bubble. And it just looks like a tortured way to live. Like, poor John Travolta. I feel very, very bad for him. Now, I’m going to phrase this really carefully: I am absolutely not saying he’s gay, I’m only saying it don’t look good. He does a few things that I think are on the gay checklist, like he was sued by male massage therapists for sexual harassment. That’s a check. He’s great in musicals? That’s eight or nine checks. And I had very mixed feeling when I was reading about the Travolta case. I think a couple of guys sued him for, like, $2 million each. And I believe since the cases have been dismissed. But I believed what the massage therapist was saying. I believed his account simply because every creepy thing he accused Travolta of, I’ve done 50 times during a massage. I wasn’t shocked by any of it. I felt like I was perusing a manual that I had written. Like, the one guy said he was, like, massaging, I think, right by Travolta’s buttocks. And he said Travolta was pushing his hips back, which shocked a lot of people, but as we just discussed, is move 11. It’s perfectly acceptable. He said Travolta was pushing his ass back so far that the cheeks were separating, which, oh, I was in awe of John Travolta. Nothing but respect. Do you know the ab/core control you need to tighten up your stomach and swing your asshole open like saloon doors? Do you know how good you have to be at Pilates just to make your ass wink on command? I’ve bn trying that for two years. All I’ve managed is to fire a log of shit onto my calf. And there’s nothing wrong with that. When your ass opens up like that, it’s just your body’s way of saying to a finger, “Get over here. Come on, get in here. Don’t be shy.” I love a finger in my asshole. And I’m not just saying that because it’s the title of my autobiography. Just a little finger. Tickle it around. Friendly, neighborly. Like, you ever been home– Here’s what it’s like. You ever been home and you don’t realize your front door’s open? And your next-door neighbor walks in. And at first you’re like, “Aah…oh, it’s just you. It’s you, it’s you. What, you got four friends with you? All right, bring two over. Bring two. Aah! No, one. Bring one. If you bring two, all three of you are going to leave with Abe Lincoln hats on.” So while I believed the therapist’s tale because of the details, I hated these guys for suing Travolta, because I think a couple of them sued him for, like, $2 million each, claiming that they were wounded mentally during the massage. Get the fuck out of here, you litigious scumbags. Two million dollars because, what, Travolta played grab-ass with you? Go fuck yourself. One guy said something like he was massaging Travolta, and that John reached out and grabbed his scrotum. And then he said a few minutes later John reached out again and grabbed the shaft and head of his penis, like, quickly. So all I’m thinking is, All right, what kind of pants are you wearing while giving a massage that Travolta can grab three separate items in the dark? Because I want those pants in every color. And the guy said that Travolta grabbed his scrotum, and then he said a few minutes later he– Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you kept massaging him? Fuck you. How many legitimate interactions do any of you have on a daily basis where if you grab somebody’s scrotum, you only get a warning? I don’t know, try that the next time you go to the dentist. If he gets a little too close just reach out. [GROANING] Oh, yeah, I’m sure he’s just going to go, “Up, up, up. Come on, now. That’s the third time I’ve told you to quit poking and tugging my bag, you silly goose. Four more times and you’re out of here.” Two million dollars. We wonder why we’re such a country of like, you know, human resources, litigious douche bags. It’s because we can’t stop suing each other. Do you understand what John Travolta would have to do to me during a massage for me to want $2 million in punitive damages? As I started massaging him, he would have to pull out my dick and start punching it. And he’d have to put on brass knuckles and put it up against the edge of the table and punch it for the entire hour, and then take me up in his private plane and pull his dick out, and then say, “Now suck it, or I’m going to crash and kill us both.” And then once we landed safely… [APPLAUSE] Once we landed safely, if I said– [SPITTING] –“Hey, John.” I had to clarify that, because I didn’t want you to think it’s: “Hey, John.” If I said,Hey, John, you know, you punched my dick for an hour and then fucked my face and came in my mouth; could we take a picture together?” If he said, “No picture,” then I still wouldn’t sue him. I’d ask him to sign my “Pulp Fiction” and I’d shut the fuck up. But I feel really good. I feel– I finally feel awake tonight, because I’ve been talking for a long time in the shows: I have terrible, terrible sleep apnea. And I know some of you guys have it, because I’ve got a big fan response. Who has sleep apnea here? Some people have it? [SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE] I’m going to show you a picture of myself in my apnea mask, because– And I used to have it on my phone, and I would show people. But is there a more horrifying moment than when you hand your phone to somebody to look at a photo? Because all you’re thinking is, “Don’t scroll.” You stay within arm’s reach of your phone. If they move back a step, you scooch up a step. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” Because I know what’s on either side of that apnea photo, you know? It’s apnea photo, cock pic, cock pic. So could we bring that down? This is me in my sleep apnea mask. That is not the look a woman goes for. I think women would be more turned on if I went to bed with a fleshlight taped to my face. Just look at that. If you have a pussy, I challenge you to keep it wet while looking at this. Impossible. That dries up a vagina faster than a hot fan. And it’s not just the mask that’s so humil– Because the mask is bad enough, but do you see the little white chin strap? Now here’s what that is, because the way the mask works, it’s over your nose and it forces air into your lungs, expanding your lungs as you breathe so you sleep through the night and you don’t wake up gasping. But because I have such a fucking weak chin and little shitty thin bird lips, my mouth kept going: [SMACKING LIPS AND GROANING] And all the air was shooting out of the front of my face. So I would wake up with my face queefing. I like to put it on after sex. Like, we have sex and then I put it on. I’m like, Ha-ha, look at who you fucked. Ah-ha, you fucd Bane. How do you feel about that?” So I had to buy that fucking little chin strap. “Ha, You want to fuck me? I look like I have the mumps in 1930.” All right, you can pull that up, because that is just fucking horrendous. [APPLAUSE] So, ah, the mask– Here’s the problem. And a lot more of you probably have sleep apnea than realize it. Like, if you snore that’s a big sign of sleep apnea. And it’s amazing how angry we get at people when they snore, because when somebody is snoring that person is dying next to you. But you ever just stare at somebody while they snore, and you get angrier and angrier? Why don’t you shut the fuck up? Shut up, you selfish piece of shit. You ever just look at their stupid lips quivering? And you want to just pinch their nose? [SNORTING] Do you understand when you pinch somebody’s nose, you’re daring them to die. You’re playing a game of chicken with the Grim Reaper. Like, all right, cocksucker, I’m calling your bluff. Now what? And then when they finally breathe– [GASPING] –that’s what I thought, scumbag. That’s like somebody being on a ledge going, “I’ll jump!” And you go, “Well, it’s cold in here. Fuck you.” And you close the window. But when you have sleep apnea, man, it scares you, because you feel like your body is against you. Do you know how scary it is to go to bed and I feel like my tongue and face are trying to murder me in my sleep. I mean, it’s so anti-nature. Your body is supposed to protect you. And I don’t understand why my tongue does what it does. Like, at least if you snore your body’s trying to get help. Because if you’re like– [SNORING] –that’s your body’s way of going, “Hey, hey, hey, can somebody elbow this jizz bucket? We’re dying!” But my tongue just lays over my throat. It’s like, “Shh, it’ll be over soon.” I would love to ask my tongue, “What do you think happens if I die, asshole? You live on and run the show?” Like, my tongue just wants to kill me because he’s thinking, “Then I’ll only have to go down on women I like. No more transsexuals.” Guys get so homophobic. They, like, beat up transsexuals. This is the face you should make if a tranny fools you. You’re good. Nicely done. Why get angry? You don’t get mad if somebody hands you peanut brittle and you open it and a snake pops out. Do you know how sad I am that only half of you understood the brilliant example I just gave you? And I hope I don’t get in trouble for saying tranny. That’s, like, an offensive term. You’re not supposed to say tranny. So I don’t want anybody to go home and blog about it. That’s what people do now. They say something offensive, like, blog, blog, blog. “I didn’t like what I heard in the comedy show.” Blog, blog, blog. Oh, I fucking hate people who blog about being upse– When I hear about people blogging because they were upset at a joke, I am suddenly for predator drones killing American citizens. People just love to be offended and they love to talk about it. They love to fucking blog about it. And comedians are supposed to say they’re sorry now. Like, that’s all it takes: somebody blogging. Like Tracy Morgan said he was sorry, Daniel Tosh. And I’m not shitting on these comedians. I understand why Tracy and why Tosh apologized. Because they had a lot of money at stake. They were smart to apologize. But it’s like, what are we, shocked that comedians make fun of offensive things? Tracy’s fucking always said crazy shit. That’s kind of what makes him really funny. And Tosh was making jokes about rape, and some woman stood up and, you know, “Rape is not funny!” And he said something like, “Everybody rape her, ” which is fucking hilarious. That’s the greatest thing I have ever heard. But, of course, victim country, she had to go home and blog,blog. “And I felt very threatened.” Blog, blog, blog. Oh, yeah, I’m sure you were terrified, because comedy club rapes happen all the time. I’m surprised you people came tonight, with the threat of rape in the air. Oh, yeah, we’ve all seen the news specials. Comedy and rape: can they be separated? And all these special interest groups who agreed with her ideologically. They sided with her interrupting the show. And they’re like, “You had every right to make your feelings known.” No, you did not. If you weren’t enjoying his show, you had every right to get up and quietly leave the performance. Because the minute you talk, you’re a heckler, bitch, and you got what you deserved. Fuck her. Fuck her and fuck her blog. Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think that they have to agree with or approve the content? Why is that? You don’t walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don’t like. “I don’t want anybody else seeing this, because I didn’t quite enjoy it.” [APPLAUSE] Oh, and you know the one group that owes us all an apology and they’re never going to give it to us is the mainstream media in this country. There has never been a greater assembly of vultures under the same umbrella of a profession. And they do things like continually show photos of the shooters. They continually print the manifestos of the shooters. Even though FBI profilers and personality profilers and psychologists have told them time after time after time: Do not show photos of these people. Do not print their writings, because it encourages other people to do the same. They know they are contributing to the violence, and they don’t give a fuck. And they’ve never had to say they’re sorry. Comedy never leads to violence. You’re never going to hear, “Two Jews walk into a bar; let’s kill those fucking kikes!” It’s never happened. And by showing photos of these guys– I don’t need to see the photos of these people. I’m not interested in what they look like. First of all, they all look exactly like you know they’re going to look. Are you ever surprised? They showed the guy from Connecticut. The guy from Connecticut looked exactly like the guy from Aurora, Colorado, who looked exactly like that piece of shit from Arizona. They all have that psychotic fucking lonely wide-eyed look, with their little shitty pupil dying in the middle with white surrounding– Here’s a rule of thumb: If you have white all the way around your pupil, you are a nut. You’re a nut. And they never smile in their photos. They’re always– They’re always trying to smile, but they can’t because they’re just thinking of murder, murder, murder. Me, me, me. Murder, murder, me, me, me. By the way, who are the photographers taking these psychotic head shots? We should give guns to photographers. You know who we’re looking for. We have your back. If you take a photo of somebody and their eyes are like that and they’re happy with it, blow their fucking brains out. And I love how the press does this. They honor the nicknames that these guys give themselves. That’s what vultures the media is. Like the Aurora, Colorado shooter. He called himself the Joker, and the press went with it. He didn’t look like the Joker. He had puffy, orange hair. The Carrot Top Killer, that’s what he should have been called. That doesn’t have an anti-hero ring to it. Nobody would have wanted to emulate the Carrot Top Killer. You know, the next creep would have been like, “Oh, that’s fucking humiliating. I’m just going to hang myself alone in the basement like I should.” I wish it was that easy to get a nickname picked up. You all would have come to see Big Cock Jimmy tonight. Come see Girth McGuillicuddy. Or they– I love how they perpetuate the story by looking for the motives. I love this fucking ridiculous exercise. Why did he do it? What are his motives? Gee, I don’t know, because he’s fucking crazy? Maybe that’s why he did it? I am not interested in the inner workings of a psychotic mind. I don’t give a shit. You’re never going to get a real answer as to why a guy walked into a theater in Colorado and shot people. What are we looking for? Well, he ordered tickets online and they weren’t available when he got there. Oh, all right, at least it was a real reason. Thank God, because that makes it feel less random and frightening. I’m sick and tired of searching for the motives. If he shat in his own hand and started eating it, nobody would go, “What are his motives? Why is he doing that?” We’d all be going, “Look at that crazy fuck. Back over his head with a truck and let’s get it over with.” One more thought on Colorado. I almost forgot. Do you know who really impressed me after the Colorado shootings? Christian Bale. Because I always thought he was a real piece of shit, like a cranky, douchy actor. But after the shootings he actually went to the hospital and talked to a bunch of the victims. I’m like, What a nice guy. And I wonder if any of them looked at him and said, “Where the fuck were you?” He’s a great actor, but I don’t like him as Batman at all. Like, I like him as Bruce Wayne, but that stupid stroke, lisp voice. “I’m Batman.” That’s what you– “Tell the Riddler I have Bell’s palsy. I’ll be doing the New Year’s Eve countdown from now on.” Blog, blog, blog. “I didn’t like that Dick Clark joke.” Blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog. Holy fuck, are you guys great. [APPLAUSE] I need to get laid badly. [WOMEN CHEERING] Ooh. Nice. Are you by yourself, miss? I can’t see you, but I’m listening. Are you alone? [WOMAN YELPING] I like that sound. Where are you? [MAN’S VOICE] Right here! Oh. That’s about the fucking– That’s the norm. I’ve gotten so much weirder as I’ve gotten older, sexually. Like, scent is a very sexy thing to me. I like the smell of a pussy. Like, yeah, I want it to smell like– I mean, again, subtle. Like, you know, you don’t want to notice when she’s coming up the driveway. Or even the smell of a foot. Like, I don’t have a foot fetish, but I kind of like a foot to be a little stinky. Not dirty, like you know what I mean? Don’t come over after you’ve been doing, taking a zumba class in a fucking warehouse barefoot. But if your foot’s a little stinky, I’ll suck your toes. But I don’t know what to do with a foot in my mouth. I always feel weird. Like, “Okay…” Because you just feel silly. “Ow, you’re scraping my gums, you whore!” But you feel weird sucking all the toes, because you feel like you’re giving five consecutive blowjobs, in order from black to Asian. And you can’t get mad at that joke, because I didn’t say what side of the foot I started on. But we all know, don’t we? Although my favorite thing to do is eat pussy. I eat pussy really well. And I know I’m good at it, because I stop every 30 seconds and go, “Huh? Huh?” And I like a big pussy. I like a fucking fat one. I like camel toe that will stop conversation at a party. The type of camel toe you can see with Google Earth. Like, I hate when you pull the panties aside and it’s just a little dumb pussy. Hi. Hi. Boo! Boo! I’d love to have a giant cock. Like, where you put it in and the girl’s like, “Aah, go slow.” You know how nice it is to hear, “go slow”? Because then you know the only reason you’re not in the hospital is because I’m a good guy. But if I tell a girl, “I’m going to fuck you hard, ” they’re like, “All right. It’s your money.” [APPLAUSE] Thank you, Boston. I love you very much. Thank you guys for coming. I appreciate you coming down. Thank you so much. Thank you. [AUDIENCE CHEERING] | This year I wanted the opening of my new special to feel, well, special. So I wanted to get somebody who is not only well known but who my audience will understand is very important to me personally. Wow, that’s, I’m honored Jimmy. Not you. Oh. No offense but I was kind of hoping for someone a little more famous. Oh why would I be offended, my best friend is a shallow twat that doesn’t think I’m famous enough to talk on camera before he does an hour of creepy dick jokes. [LAUGHTER] Creepy dick jokes? It’s my comedy special. It’s not creepy. [Gasping] [laughter] Don’t be scared you little bitch, you doing good. [CHEERING] I’m your number one fan, you’re my favorite character. I cried when you got shot. You’re one annoying mother fucker, you do know that right? [KNOCKING] Come in. [LAUGHTER] Everything alright? Yea, everything is good. Are those tits on your back? They do look nice. Ha ha, thanks. Please let me know when you’re done violating Mr. Norton cause he’s got to get on stage soon. Shit. Damn. Well in that case, everybody get on your mother fucking feet and lets give a warm mother fucking welcome for the legendary Jim Norton! Yea baby! [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank you. Thanks. I am so happy to be finally shooting a special in Boston. Thank you for coming. It’s great to be here. Ah, I got to start off with some good news. Uh, Casey Anthony, uh, has announced that she’s bankrupt, which is nice to know. Ah, and she says she wants to change her name because she’s getting death threats, so she wants to change it to something less controversial. I vote for “Hitler 9/11 Cunt.” What a horrible woman. At worst-case scenario she killed her kid. At best case, she knew the kid was missing and she did nothing. I am this close from not wanting to fuck her. As of right now I still do. You know, one kid we’ve all lost, but one more dead kid and she’s on thin ice with me. There’s a new pope. What a weird thing to see in our lifetimes. I like the new pope better than the last pope, because the last guy, Benedict, gave me the creeps. He just looked like a little mouth– [MUMBLING] He looked like that guy that gets stuff for Dracula in the afternoon. The new pope I like. I was hoping for a black pope. I think it’s time. And you know he would already own his own red shoes, purple robes and bulletproof car. I hope I didn’t offend the one black person in attendance. Thank God you’re here. I need a more diversified audience. My audience is white and Grand Wizard. I wish I had more black fans. I really– I feel like black people don’t like me. And I was talking to Patrice one time, and I said– [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Yeah. I was talking to Patrice, and I’m like, “Why don’t black people like me?” And he goes, “I don’t know.” He goes, “I think that black people should like you, but we look at you and think we shouldn’t.” And it just made sense. I got it. I’m like, Yes, this is not the look that endears you to black people. This is not the friendly look. I look like every guy on the jury in 1955. And I love coming up here so much. This is one of the few cities I actually go out and enjoy while I’m here. I literally am so obsessive with work. I don’t travel to do anything for fun. The last thing I did just for the fuck of it was I went to Chicago over the summer to see Sabbath at Lollapalooza, which um… Yeah, I went to see Sabbath. And I have this really weird thing. Like, during a comedy show you guys know that you can’t yell to each other, but why is it when you’re watching a band people feel free to put their stupid face this close and just tell you what a great time they’re having? “Dude, this is amazing.” With that fucking beer breath. And you’re like, “Ugh, well, it would be better if you were dead. Shutp.” I hate it. So I’m watching Sabbath. They had just come out. Ozzy was literally into the first verse of the opening song, and this girl comes up and starts talking to me. And I can see that she’s really drunk, and she looks high as well. So I’m like, All right, good, I’ll talk to her. Because it turns me on a lot when I see a girl trying to focus. Because I’m thinking, “Ooh, she’ll never remember this.” I’m just fast-forwarding until she’s puking out my passenger window and I can do this to her heinie. Or if we’re in England… But at first I didn’t know her. She walks up to me and it was like she was really loaded, and she goes, “Hey, are you Jim Norton?” And I said, “Yes, I am.” And she goes, “Oh, God, I love you.” And then she reaches out and grabs my dick and starts squeezing. That’s the whole story. That’s the beginning, middle and end of a story I call “Yay, Chicago.” And my manager’s always trying to get me to travel more. He’s always like, “You got to go out and see the world, because all you do is gigs.” Like, he’s been to Afghanistan, he’s been to Indonesia. He goes to, like, these hard-core Islamic countries. And he’s a Jew. And he’s just one of those guys who embraces all cultures, and they know to like him. I don’t know how he gets away with going to these places, but he’s like, “You just don’t understand the Middle East.” I’m like, “I know, and I don’t want to learn on the job.” But here’s the thing. Every piece of footage I see from the Middle East is they’re angry at us for some reason, and I never know what it is because I don’t speak the language. And I guess the last one was uh, Benghazi, over in ah, in Libya. And there was all these crazy riots, and– It looked like it was a 9/11 anniversary ah, thing. But at first they said, “No, it’s about a movie that Muslims found offensive,” which actually made sense to me, because I’ve seen movies I didn’t like. And I tried to gather up a group of people to burn the theater down and kill everyone in it, you know, while we all stood outside chanting “Caddyshack 2, Caddyshack 2.” And what’s so scary is, like, whenever they riot in the Middle East, they always yell “Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar.” That is scary shit. But it shouldn’t be scary, because I think literally translated it means “God is great, ” which shouldn’t that make you feel good when you hear it? Even if you’re not religious. Like, even if you’re an atheist, if someone yells “God is great,” you ought to go, “Ah, what the fuck. He’s all right, I guess.” But if you’re in Libya and you hear “Allahu Akbar,” duck. And, you know, fair enough. I’ve never seen it said at fun times. Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve never seen, like, footage of a 9-year-old’s birthday party where everyone’s sitting around, you know, “Allahu Akbar.” If I did see that I’d be afraid when he blew out the candle the cake would explode. But then people accuse me of being anti-Muslim or anti-Islamic. I’m not at all. Hey, it’s not my fault “Allahu Akbar” has become the “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” of beheading videos. And look, it’s not to say we don’t have violence in America. Obviously we have gun violence here, which is scary. And I have weird feelings about the second Amendment, because that’s like the big raging debate. Like, I believe in the second Amendment. I think that if somebody is responsible, they should be able to own a gun and defend themselves responsibly. However, I don’t think I should be able to own one. I firmly believe that if you’re qualified, God bless you, get a gun. I am not mentally able to own a gun. And I know this, because at least five times a day I think, “I wish I had a gun right now.” Like, not even to shoot people. Like, it must be so much fun just to brandish it. Like, if somebody cuts you off that’s not a murder-able offense, but how good does it feel to pull up to the light– Beep, beep, beep. –and then when they look, just show them. Just to see that look on their face. “Aah!” That I’ve tangled with the wrong fellow. And then you really freak him out: you put it under your own chin. I came here, ah, I was in L.A. this week, and I came to ah, Boston directly from– and I realize I hate little weather jokes a lot. That just is something I– Do you know when people make little jokes? Just a little innocent joke about the weather, you know? Nothing too…like, it was kind of cold when I got off the plane, and someone said, “I wish you would have brought some of that sunny weather from California with you.” I just thought, How nice would it be to: “What?” And then as they’re repeating the joke, you take the butt of the gun and you crack their fucking nose. “You touch her again and you’re dead!” I humiliated myself on the flight too. I mean humiliated myself. Because men have this really weird thing where we never want to seem, like, homoerotic or gay around each other. Like, we never want to be misinterpreted as being– hitting on each other, which probably robs us of a lot of nice moments. But have you ever been around another guy, and he smells really good? And you want to go, like, “Dude, you smell really good. What are you wearing?” But you’re afraid if you say that it will come off as homoerotic. So if you do ask, you have to ask like an alpha male. “Hey, what is that?” So I’m on the uh, I’m on the plane, and this guy gets on and sits next to me. And he smelled delicious. But I realize there’s no masculine way to go, “Hey, man, what are you wearing? Because I just want to gobble you up right now.” So I’m like, all right, I’ll just ask once we land, you know, because this way if it’s creepy or uncomfortable we don’t have to spend six hours next to each other. But I am not going to lie: I enjoyed him for the entire flight. I sat, like, closer than I needed to, and I kept leaning over sneaking sniffs, asking questions I didn’t even need the answer to. “So, uh, how much longer do you think it’ll be?” [SNIFFING] He’s like, “I don’t know. I’m sure they’ll tell us once we take off.” So we finally landed and I had to just ask him. I’m like, “Dude, not to be weird or creepy, but, you know, since the minute you sat down I wanted to ask about your cologne, because you smell amazing. What are you wearing?” And he goes, “I don’t wear cologne.” Good. Do you understand the subtext of what I said to that guy? “You know, I’ve really been enjoying your man-scent across the entire continental United States. I’ve been breathing you in through three time zones. You know that thing nature gives us so we find the appropriate mate? I just… [APPLAUSE] Hey, not for nothing, man, but your pheromones had me creaming.” And the really creepy part was that I said to him, “From the minute you sat down.” Like, why did I have to explain that? I’m such a douche. I basically told him, “Hey, you had me at hello.” But I could see after I said that he’s rewinding through the whole flight and getting grossed out, because he’s like remembering all those weird little moments, like when I accidentally fell asleep on his neck for an hour and a half, or when he got up to go to the bathroom how I didn’t sit back; I just let his ass cheeks brush across my face. I’ve been single for a while, man. You think this is a good way to meet a girl? If I see a girl sitting in a bar and her arms are up on the bar, I’ll walk over and go, “Hello.” You think the finger walk is sexy? “Somebody looks thirsty.” And then I say cute things, because women like it when you’re cute. Like, “Oh, boy, I sure would like to get to know you.” Oh, don’t listen to him, you know? I scold my fingers the way a ventriloquist scolds his puppet because they say sassy things. “I’d eat your ass even if it was bleeding.” Oh, guys! And I love when guys say, “Oh, you just walk up to a girl and talk to her.” Like, that’s easier said than done. I find that certain professions of women are harder to hit on. It’s like, you know, if you’re talking to a bartender it’s fairly easy, because it’s okay to flirt, but I fly a lot. Flight attendants very difficult to hit on, because the nature of their work is they’re always busy, you only see them at their job and there’s all these people, like, in close proximity. So first of all it’s creepy to call somebody over to hit on them. I was on a JetBlue flight– And I fall in love immediately. You ever see somebody and you just go, like, I want her to be my girlfriend? Like, I love her. This girl just, like, made the announcements and I’m like, I want to spend the rest of my life just kissing her. But I didn’t know how to do it, you know? I felt– You know… doing You know, you’re in the window seat. “You want to go out?” That works in romantic comedies. Like, if you’re in a rom-com, all the people in the seats around you are like, “You ought to go out with him. He’s got a lot of pizzazz.” But in real life everybody just kind of avoids eye contact and they’re fucking humiliated for you. Oh, you douche bag. So I said, All right, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll write her a little a note, I’ll hand her a note. Because that’s kind of childish, but I’m like, this way she won’t feel pressure to be overly polite in front of me. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Because if I ask in front of people, then she’s got to, like, make up an excuse. Like, “Oh, no, I would but I’ve got AIDS and hepatitis.” You know? Then how stupid do I look going, “I don’t care, I’ll fuck you.” So I wrote her a little note, like, “Hey, let’s go out to dinner when we land.” And I handed it to her. And when I handed it to her, she looked scared. And then I realized, Oh Christ, you just handed a note to a flight attendant. So I panicked and I was like, “Oh, it’s not dangerous or nothing.” Which is like handing a girl a drink and going, “Come on, I didn’t roofie it.” Which is a lie. You want to creep a girl out, hand her a drink and then stare while she downs it. Follow the arch of the glass with your head. And then when she’s finished, walk by and mumble, “Good girl.” Sometimes situationally it’s hard too. Not even a job and not even about the woman. Like, there’s a girl in my gym I am dying to fuck, but I’m scared to hit on her and here’s why: I realize I can’t hide my agenda when I’m talking to her. Because, like, women– We always have to hide our initial agenda. Like, whenever you talk to a girl, she knows what you want. Like, if you walk up and go, “Hey, where are you from?” she doesn’t think, like, “Oh, he must be interested in my accent.” She knows you just want to stick it in her shitter. But we have to go through this little social dance with each other. It’s what separates us from the animals. But when I’m looking at this girl in the gym in her little skin-tight yoga pants and her camel toe, I can’t hide my agenda. Like, I immediately get creepy face. And no girl wants to go out with you when you look like Pyle right before he shot himself in Full Metal Jacket. And this girl’s– I’m an ass fanatic. Like, I like a girl’s ass. But her ass is so fucking juicy. Oh, my God. Dude, it’s plump. It’s like a Jessica from Roger Rabbit ass on a white girl, which is fucking mind-boggling. And, like, we’ve all seen nice asses before, but her ass, like, it changed me. Like, I’ve never talked to her once, but if she had nowhere to live I’d go, “Fuck it, just move in with me. I’ll pay for everything and you can have half if we get divorced.” I don’t know what kind of person she is. I don’t care if she’s a Nazi or if she’s manic-depressive and gets that white shit in the corner of her mouth. So what? What’s the worst that’s going to happen? She’s bipolar? All right, good. She’ll sit on my face and then be a little cranky. I’ll live with it. Whoo, is her ass juicy! Like two little plump, firm teardrops mushed together. And the way the thong– It goes so far in. Like, I love a deep ass crack. And I don’t know how she gets her thong in that far. I can picture her putting it in and then just yanking it… and handing it to somebody on a speedboat, and they take off. She hold on to the dock. It cuts in deep. Her ass is split deep. It’s like Mississippi in 1960. Good God, I love a deep ass crack. And there’s no way to tell a girl that. Like, it’s such a weird fetish to have. like, if you like a girl’s hair you say like, “Hey, I really like your hair.” But, you know, you can’t walk up and go, “Your ass crack… the depth of it. I mean, it looks like the McDonald’s “M”. I just…” Ooh, do I want to put my face in her ass! I just want to sniff it. Just… I would wear her thong under my nose like a Halloween mustache. I would just walk around with it all day and do mustache things. Tie somebody to the railroad tracks. I’ve never talked to this girl, and she hates my fucking guts. She hates me, because I was following her up– I was walking up the steps, behind her, and I was following her. I didn’t care where she– If she was going up to the roof and jumped I would have followed her right off and tried to nose-dive right into her fucking juicy ass. But I was staring. She was, like, ten steps ahead of me. And I’m looking up into her ass crack, and I could see the juicy, deep crack. But when she stepped up I could see up into the camel toe. I didn’t mean to do it. It was totally involuntary. But I just went, “Aah!” And, of course, she turned around, because somebody’s making Young Frankenstein noises on the steps. Have you ever been so busted you could only make this face? “Boy, I sure would like to smell your heinie hole.” Now, now! I’ll tell you, there’s one guy in the gym I hate. I’m pretty open sexually. I don’t care what you like sexually. None of it is weird to me. But there’s a certain type of exhibitionism that I’ve learned to really hate. Some guys go to the gym just because they want to be naked in front of other guys. And there’s one guy, every time I’ve seen this fuck in the locker room, he’s naked. Doesn’t matter if it’s early or– Like, right now the gym is closed; if we flew to New York and kicked in the gym door and turned on the light, this bag of shit would be futzing around. Just futzing around naked. Every time I’ve seen him. And he always acts like he’s doing something. And first of all, he’s fucking 70 years old with a bald head and a big, stupid hard stomach. He looks like Danny DeVito when he played the Penguin in “Batman.” And he always pretends that he’s doing other stuff. That’s what annoys me. It’s almost the insult to my intelligence. It’s like, do you think I don’t know what you’re doing? Like, he’s always acting busy. If I walked into the locker room and he just went, “Huh?” I’d probably go, “Ah, you got me. Good one.” It’s like, don’t try to trick me, stupid. Like, you walk in and he’ll be cleaning his ears like naked in the mirror. And then you’ll come back 25 minutes later, he’s still cleaning his ear. Or you’ll go into the bathroom and he’s nude, barefoot, just brushing his teeth, looking in the mirror with his stupid dick mushed up against the sink. His fatty pubis mushed up against the sink. And that’s disgusting, because that’s where I put my lunch. And I’m not exaggerating for the bit. I swear to God, he has the smallest cock I have ever seen on a human being. Not even an adult. From baby up. It’s like a little fucking mushroom. It’s like I want to ask him about it. His cock is so small. I want to go, like, “Look, I know this is rude, but that is unacceptable.” I’ll bet if you get him drunk there’s a great story behind it. Like, “Well, I used to install windows for a living…” And it’s surrounded by an unkempt tuft of gray pubic hair, which I want to yank out with my bare fucking hands. And I know he’d be so shocked and upset. Like, “Why are you doing this?” And I’d have to be honest: “I don’t know, I don’t know, but it needed doing.” And I hate his balls so much. I’ve never had a visceral reaction to someone’s balls. His balls are this big. The whole thing, it looks like a hornet’s nest with a doorbell in the middle… and a filthy gray sunflower around it. I want to set his cock and balls on fire and then put them out with a shovel. By the way, do you know how many times I’ve had to see him naked to give you that description? I don’t stop him when he walks by– “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” That’s 20 or 30 accidental “Aah!” “Aah!” And I know he’s doing it on purpose. And I know you might think, Well, he’s a really old guy; that generation looked at nudity differently, so he’s not self-conscious. No. Here’s how I know it’s on purpose. A week or two ago I’m going from the shower to my locker, and from behind me I heard… [CLAPPING] So I turned around. That sound was this creep powdering his balls. And that’s exactly how he was doing it. Not even in front of the mirror. Just in the middle of the locker room like a retarded bongo player. Do you know how loud you have to powder your balls for me to hear it in an open space? I actually stepped aside; I thought a horse was galloping behind me. We’ve all powdered our balls before, but it’s quiet. There you go. That’s what it sounds like. The rule of thumb is that blind people should never know when you’re powdering your balls. I could powder my balls over your face, you’d never know I was there. The next morning you’d probably wake up and wonder why there’s two muddy footprints on your pillow. I don’t know why my feet had to be filthy at the end of that joke. Obviously I just showered and powdered my balls, but I guess I walked through roofing tar on the way to your house. So uh, you know, I have been working out. And I came yesterday– Honestly, the first thing I did when I got to town was I got a massage. [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] Well, to answer your question, yes. There was a happy ending. I had to do it. But that counts as far as I’m concerned. She was not happy at all. She came back in: “What are you doing?” Uh, your job. The most common question I get– I get e-mails about this all the time. People say, “How do you make a regular massage turn into a happy ending?” And there’s no definitive answer, because to be honest with you, 90 percent of the massages I get remain massages, because I go to legitimate masseuses. But the 10 percent that become happy endings really spoils the other 90 percent. Because picture if every 1 out of 10 times you went to the grocery store somebody jerked you off in the frozen food aisle. It would make your other 9 trips seem a little lackluster. You’d be walking around with, you know, two heads of lettuce and a carrot. Ahem! Ahem! So the way to test the waters with a massage therapist is through body language. Because you have to be respectful, beuse massage therapists are not prostitutes. Now, I know this, because enough of them have screamed that in my face. And neither one of you knows the other one. You don’t know if the other one’s a cop and this whole thing is a sting operation, so you can’t say anything too obvious. “Would you touch my testicles for money?” So you ease into it. Like, say you’re laying there and she’s rubbing the hamstrings. I’ll start pushing my hips back a little bit and then making this noise. [GROANING] Oh, sorry for you people. [GROANING] Which is massage lingo for, “You’re getting warmer, warmer.” Now, she knows exactly what I’m doing, so she will answer nonverbally in one of two ways. She’ll either say no way by going from my hamstrings down to my ankles and rubbing, like, the ankles and the calves. So in my mind I go, All right, mission abort. It’s not going to happen. Because you have to be a psychopath to misinterpret ankles as the next step in a hand job. Ooh, she must want me to scooch down three feet. Sitting on the end of the table, my legs dangling off, just tweetling my nipples like a baboon. Or, after I go– [GROANING] –she’ll move a little higher on the hamstring towards what I call earning a tip. And then she’ll give me a very, very subtle signal. Because again, she’s not 100 percent sure. So she’ll do something like lightly brush my scrotum. Just a light little brush as she’s going from one leg to the other. Just a little heedle leedle leedle lee It’s such a light touch that she could go, “Oh, I didn’t mean to do that.” And I could go, “I didn’t even notice you did it, officer.” We both have plausible deniability. Now, the only thing to be careful is there are certain massage therapists who give little sexy signals. Like, they’ll flick your nips or do something sexy, but they have no intention on giving you a hand release. These women should be killed. By the way, do you know how much fun it is to come on stage and talk about this, and nobody gives a shit? I’m so lucky to, like, just be a fucking comic, and nobody– Like, it’s never going to hurt me to talk about my personal life. Like, you know, if I ever get busted with a prostitute, no Jim Norton fan’s going to go, “Oh, I won’t be buying his DVDs anymore.” You know, people would probably go, “Come on, let’s go to the show. I want to hear exactly what happened.” I feel bad for real celebrities and, like, actors and stuff who can’t have that kind of openness. Like, I feel like they have to live inside this bubble. And it just looks like a tortured way to live. Like, poor John Travolta. I feel very, very bad for him. Now, I’m going to phrase this really carefully: I am absolutely not saying he’s gay, I’m only saying it don’t look good. He does a few things that I think are on the gay checklist, like he was sued by male massage therapists for sexual harassment. That’s a check. He’s great in musicals? That’s eight or nine checks. And I had very mixed feeling when I was reading about the Travolta case. I think a couple of guys sued him for, like, $2 million each. And I believe since the cases have been dismissed. But I believed what the massage therapist was saying. I believed his account simply because every creepy thing he accused Travolta of, I’ve done 50 times during a massage. I wasn’t shocked by any of it. I felt like I was perusing a manual that I had written. Like, the one guy said he was, like, massaging, I think, right by Travolta’s buttocks. And he said Travolta was pushing his hips back, which shocked a lot of people, but as we just discussed, is move 11. It’s perfectly acceptable. He said Travolta was pushing his ass back so far that the cheeks were separating, which, oh, I was in awe of John Travolta. Nothing but respect. Do you know the ab/core control you need to tighten up your stomach and swing your asshole open like saloon doors? Do you know how good you have to be at Pilates just to make your ass wink on command? I’ve bn trying that for two years. All I’ve managed is to fire a log of shit onto my calf. And there’s nothing wrong with that. When your ass opens up like that, it’s just your body’s way of saying to a finger, “Get over here. Come on, get in here. Don’t be shy.” I love a finger in my asshole. And I’m not just saying that because it’s the title of my autobiography. Just a little finger. Tickle it around. Friendly, neighborly. Like, you ever been home– Here’s what it’s like. You ever been home and you don’t realize your front door’s open? And your next-door neighbor walks in. And at first you’re like, “Aah…oh, it’s just you. It’s you, it’s you. What, you got four friends with you? All right, bring two over. Bring two. Aah! No, one. Bring one. If you bring two, all three of you are going to leave with Abe Lincoln hats on.” So while I believed the therapist’s tale because of the details, I hated these guys for suing Travolta, because I think a couple of them sued him for, like, $2 million each, claiming that they were wounded mentally during the massage. Get the fuck out of here, you litigious scumbags. Two million dollars because, what, Travolta played grab-ass with you? Go fuck yourself. One guy said something like he was massaging Travolta, and that John reached out and grabbed his scrotum. And then he said a few minutes later John reached out again and grabbed the shaft and head of his penis, like, quickly. So all I’m thinking is, All right, what kind of pants are you wearing while giving a massage that Travolta can grab three separate items in the dark? Because I want those pants in every color. And the guy said that Travolta grabbed his scrotum, and then he said a few minutes later he– Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you kept massaging him? Fuck you. How many legitimate interactions do any of you have on a daily basis where if you grab somebody’s scrotum, you only get a warning? I don’t know, try that the next time you go to the dentist. If he gets a little too close just reach out. [GROANING] Oh, yeah, I’m sure he’s just going to go, “Up, up, up. Come on, now. That’s the third time I’ve told you to quit poking and tugging my bag, you silly goose. Four more times and you’re out of here.” Two million dollars. We wonder why we’re such a country of like, you know, human resources, litigious douche bags. It’s because we can’t stop suing each other. Do you understand what John Travolta would have to do to me during a massage for me to want $2 million in punitive damages? As I started massaging him, he would have to pull out my dick and start punching it. And he’d have to put on brass knuckles and put it up against the edge of the table and punch it for the entire hour, and then take me up in his private plane and pull his dick out, and then say, “Now suck it, or I’m going to crash and kill us both.” And then once we landed safely… [APPLAUSE] Once we landed safely, if I said– [SPITTING] –“Hey, John.” I had to clarify that, because I didn’t want you to think it’s: “Hey, John.” If I said,Hey, John, you know, you punched my dick for an hour and then fucked my face and came in my mouth; could we take a picture together?” If he said, “No picture,” then I still wouldn’t sue him. I’d ask him to sign my “Pulp Fiction” and I’d shut the fuck up. But I feel really good. I feel– I finally feel awake tonight, because I’ve been talking for a long time in the shows: I have terrible, terrible sleep apnea. And I know some of you guys have it, because I’ve got a big fan response. Who has sleep apnea here? Some people have it? [SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE] I’m going to show you a picture of myself in my apnea mask, because– And I used to have it on my phone, and I would show people. But is there a more horrifying moment than when you hand your phone to somebody to look at a photo? Because all you’re thinking is, “Don’t scroll.” You stay within arm’s reach of your phone. If they move back a step, you scooch up a step. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” Because I know what’s on either side of that apnea photo, you know? It’s apnea photo, cock pic, cock pic. So could we bring that down? This is me in my sleep apnea mask. That is not the look a woman goes for. I think women would be more turned on if I went to bed with a fleshlight taped to my face. Just look at that. If you have a pussy, I challenge you to keep it wet while looking at this. Impossible. That dries up a vagina faster than a hot fan. And it’s not just the mask that’s so humil– Because the mask is bad enough, but do you see the little white chin strap? Now here’s what that is, because the way the mask works, it’s over your nose and it forces air into your lungs, expanding your lungs as you breathe so you sleep through the night and you don’t wake up gasping. But because I have such a fucking weak chin and little shitty thin bird lips, my mouth kept going: [SMACKING LIPS AND GROANING] And all the air was shooting out of the front of my face. So I would wake up with my face queefing. I like to put it on after sex. Like, we have sex and then I put it on. I’m like, Ha-ha, look at who you fucked. Ah-ha, you fucd Bane. How do you feel about that?” So I had to buy that fucking little chin strap. “Ha, You want to fuck me? I look like I have the mumps in 1930.” All right, you can pull that up, because that is just fucking horrendous. [APPLAUSE] So, ah, the mask– Here’s the problem. And a lot more of you probably have sleep apnea than realize it. Like, if you snore that’s a big sign of sleep apnea. And it’s amazing how angry we get at people when they snore, because when somebody is snoring that person is dying next to you. But you ever just stare at somebody while they snore, and you get angrier and angrier? Why don’t you shut the fuck up? Shut up, you selfish piece of shit. You ever just look at their stupid lips quivering? And you want to just pinch their nose? [SNORTING] Do you understand when you pinch somebody’s nose, you’re daring them to die. You’re playing a game of chicken with the Grim Reaper. Like, all right, cocksucker, I’m calling your bluff. Now what? And then when they finally breathe– [GASPING] –that’s what I thought, scumbag. That’s like somebody being on a ledge going, “I’ll jump!” And you go, “Well, it’s cold in here. Fuck you.” And you close the window. But when you have sleep apnea, man, it scares you, because you feel like your body is against you. Do you know how scary it is to go to bed and I feel like my tongue and face are trying to murder me in my sleep. I mean, it’s so anti-nature. Your body is supposed to protect you. And I don’t understand why my tongue does what it does. Like, at least if you snore your body’s trying to get help. Because if you’re like– [SNORING] –that’s your body’s way of going, “Hey, hey, hey, can somebody elbow this jizz bucket? We’re dying!” But my tongue just lays over my throat. It’s like, “Shh, it’ll be over soon.” I would love to ask my tongue, “What do you think happens if I die, asshole? You live on and run the show?” Like, my tongue just wants to kill me because he’s thinking, “Then I’ll only have to go down on women I like. No more transsexuals.” Guys get so homophobic. They, like, beat up transsexuals. This is the face you should make if a tranny fools you. You’re good. Nicely done. Why get angry? You don’t get mad if somebody hands you peanut brittle and you open it and a snake pops out. Do you know how sad I am that only half of you understood the brilliant example I just gave you? And I hope I don’t get in trouble for saying tranny. That’s, like, an offensive term. You’re not supposed to say tranny. So I don’t want anybody to go home and blog about it. That’s what people do now. They say something offensive, like, blog, blog, blog. “I didn’t like what I heard in the comedy show.” Blog, blog, blog. Oh, I fucking hate people who blog about being upse– When I hear about people blogging because they were upset at a joke, I am suddenly for predator drones killing American citizens. People just love to be offended and they love to talk about it. They love to fucking blog about it. And comedians are supposed to say they’re sorry now. Like, that’s all it takes: somebody blogging. Like Tracy Morgan said he was sorry, Daniel Tosh. And I’m not shitting on these comedians. I understand why Tracy and why Tosh apologized. Because they had a lot of money at stake. They were smart to apologize. But it’s like, what are we, shocked that comedians make fun of offensive things? Tracy’s fucking always said crazy shit. That’s kind of what makes him really funny. And Tosh was making jokes about rape, and some woman stood up and, you know, “Rape is not funny!” And he said something like, “Everybody rape her, ” which is fucking hilarious. That’s the greatest thing I have ever heard. But, of course, victim country, she had to go home and blog,blog. “And I felt very threatened.” Blog, blog, blog. Oh, yeah, I’m sure you were terrified, because comedy club rapes happen all the time. I’m surprised you people came tonight, with the threat of rape in the air. Oh, yeah, we’ve all seen the news specials. Comedy and rape: can they be separated? And all these special interest groups who agreed with her ideologically. They sided with her interrupting the show. And they’re like, “You had every right to make your feelings known.” No, you did not. If you weren’t enjoying his show, you had every right to get up and quietly leave the performance. Because the minute you talk, you’re a heckler, bitch, and you got what you deserved. Fuck her. Fuck her and fuck her blog. Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think that they have to agree with or approve the content? Why is that? You don’t walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don’t like. “I don’t want anybody else seeing this, because I didn’t quite enjoy it.” [APPLAUSE] Oh, and you know the one group that owes us all an apology and they’re never going to give it to us is the mainstream media in this country. There has never been a greater assembly of vultures under the same umbrella of a profession. And they do things like continually show photos of the shooters. They continually print the manifestos of the shooters. Even though FBI profilers and personality profilers and psychologists have told them time after time after time: Do not show photos of these people. Do not print their writings, because it encourages other people to do the same. They know they are contributing to the violence, and they don’t give a fuck. And they’ve never had to say they’re sorry. Comedy never leads to violence. You’re never going to hear, “Two Jews walk into a bar; let’s kill those fucking kikes!” It’s never happened. And by showing photos of these guys– I don’t need to see the photos of these people. I’m not interested in what they look like. First of all, they all look exactly like you know they’re going to look. Are you ever surprised? They showed the guy from Connecticut. The guy from Connecticut looked exactly like the guy from Aurora, Colorado, who looked exactly like that piece of shit from Arizona. They all have that psychotic fucking lonely wide-eyed look, with their little shitty pupil dying in the middle with white surrounding– Here’s a rule of thumb: If you have white all the way around your pupil, you are a nut. You’re a nut. And they never smile in their photos. They’re always– They’re always trying to smile, but they can’t because they’re just thinking of murder, murder, murder. Me, me, me. Murder, murder, me, me, me. By the way, who are the photographers taking these psychotic head shots? We should give guns to photographers. You know who we’re looking for. We have your back. If you take a photo of somebody and their eyes are like that and they’re happy with it, blow their fucking brains out. And I love how the press does this. They honor the nicknames that these guys give themselves. That’s what vultures the media is. Like the Aurora, Colorado shooter. He called himself the Joker, and the press went with it. He didn’t look like the Joker. He had puffy, orange hair. The Carrot Top Killer, that’s what he should have been called. That doesn’t have an anti-hero ring to it. Nobody would have wanted to emulate the Carrot Top Killer. You know, the next creep would have been like, “Oh, that’s fucking humiliating. I’m just going to hang myself alone in the basement like I should.” I wish it was that easy to get a nickname picked up. You all would have come to see Big Cock Jimmy tonight. Come see Girth McGuillicuddy. Or they– I love how they perpetuate the story by looking for the motives. I love this fucking ridiculous exercise. Why did he do it? What are his motives? Gee, I don’t know, because he’s fucking crazy? Maybe that’s why he did it? I am not interested in the inner workings of a psychotic mind. I don’t give a shit. You’re never going to get a real answer as to why a guy walked into a theater in Colorado and shot people. What are we looking for? Well, he ordered tickets online and they weren’t available when he got there. Oh, all right, at least it was a real reason. Thank God, because that makes it feel less random and frightening. I’m sick and tired of searching for the motives. If he shat in his own hand and started eating it, nobody would go, “What are his motives? Why is he doing that?” We’d all be going, “Look at that crazy fuck. Back over his head with a truck and let’s get it over with.” One more thought on Colorado. I almost forgot. Do you know who really impressed me after the Colorado shootings? Christian Bale. Because I always thought he was a real piece of shit, like a cranky, douchy actor. But after the shootings he actually went to the hospital and talked to a bunch of the victims. I’m like, What a nice guy. And I wonder if any of them looked at him and said, “Where the fuck were you?” He’s a great actor, but I don’t like him as Batman at all. Like, I like him as Bruce Wayne, but that stupid stroke, lisp voice. “I’m Batman.” That’s what you– “Tell the Riddler I have Bell’s palsy. I’ll be doing the New Year’s Eve countdown from now on.” Blog, blog, blog. “I didn’t like that Dick Clark joke.” Blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog. Holy fuck, are you guys great. [APPLAUSE] I need to get laid badly. [WOMEN CHEERING] Ooh. Nice. Are you by yourself, miss? I can’t see you, but I’m listening. Are you alone? [WOMAN YELPING] I like that sound. Where are you? [MAN’S VOICE] Right here! Oh. That’s about the fucking– That’s the norm. I’ve gotten so much weirder as I’ve gotten older, sexually. Like, scent is a very sexy thing to me. I like the smell of a pussy. Like, yeah, I want it to smell like– I mean, again, subtle. Like, you know, you don’t want to notice when she’s coming up the driveway. Or even the smell of a foot. Like, I don’t have a foot fetish, but I kind of like a foot to be a little stinky. Not dirty, like you know what I mean? Don’t come over after you’ve been doing, taking a zumba class in a fucking warehouse barefoot. But if your foot’s a little stinky, I’ll suck your toes. But I don’t know what to do with a foot in my mouth. I always feel weird. Like, “Okay…” Because you just feel silly. “Ow, you’re scraping my gums, you whore!” But you feel weird sucking all the toes, because you feel like you’re giving five consecutive blowjobs, in order from black to Asian. And you can’t get mad at that joke, because I didn’t say what side of the foot I started on. But we all know, don’t we? Although my favorite thing to do is eat pussy. I eat pussy really well. And I know I’m good at it, because I stop every 30 seconds and go, “Huh? Huh?” And I like a big pussy. I like a fucking fat one. I like camel toe that will stop conversation at a party. The type of camel toe you can see with Google Earth. Like, I hate when you pull the panties aside and it’s just a little dumb pussy. Hi. Hi. Boo! Boo! I’d love to have a giant cock. Like, where you put it in and the girl’s like, “Aah, go slow.” You know how nice it is to hear, “go slow”? Because then you know the only reason you’re not in the hospital is because I’m a good guy. But if I tell a girl, “I’m going to fuck you hard, ” they’re like, “All right. It’s your money.” [APPLAUSE] Thank you, Boston. I love you very much. Thank you guys for coming. I appreciate you coming down. Thank you so much. Thank you. [AUDIENCE CHEERING] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/taylor-tomlinson-have-it-all-transcript/ | Taylor Tomlinson: Have It All (2024) | Transcript | taylor tomlinson | In her 2024 Netflix stand-up comedy special, “Have It All,” Taylor Tomlinson offers a sharp, witty exploration of modern life, relationships, and personal growth, all through her humorous and insightful lens. Tomlinson shares her journey towards understanding herself and the world around her, touching on everything from the flawed advice of married friends, the absurdities of dating apps, to the challenges of staying true to oneself in a world obsessed with appearances. Through personal anecdotes that range from a robbery that turned into a dating disaster to the trials of navigating single life and confronting her own insecurities and ambitions, Tomlinson crafts a narrative that’s both relatable and thought-provoking. Her reflections on the quest to “have it all” and the realization that true fulfillment might not come from societal achievements but from embracing one’s unique path resonate deeply, offering laughter and a subtle critique of contemporary culture’s fixation on perfection and external approval. * * * [crowd cheering] [“Boys Wanna Be Her” by Peaches playing] [rowdy electroclash rock music playing] [emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Taylor Tomlinson! ♪ The boys wanna be her ♪ ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ ♪ The boys wanna be her ♪ ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ ♪ The boys wanna be her ♪ ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ DC, how we doing? [cheering in response] How stupid was that? [audience laughing] I came up from the floor like I’m a fucking Jonas brother. I know that was silly, and it was my idea! I was so embarrassed that I thought of that, but it was too late when we got here to change it because men with jobs had built it. And were operating it very well, I might add. And I was like, “We can probably just scrap it, right?” They’re like, “Well, this is like a week of our lives, so…” I know that that was dumb. Thank you for indulging me. [chuckles] How we doing, DC? Thank you so much for coming. [audience cheering] I have to be honest, my career is going very well right now. I… [audience cheering] This is the last night of the biggest tour I’ve ever done. I am filming my third Netflix special tonight. And recently, someone was using my name and photos on a dating app. [audience wooing in response] It was me. I was doing it. Went through a breakup, got on a dating app. Why? Because my married friends told me to. If you’re single, your married friends don’t want you to be happy. They don’t. They want you on those apps because the apps look fun and they can’t go on ’em. So they want to stand behind you like a kid at an arcade with no fucking quarters, while you fight for your life out there. They’re like, “Go left, go right!” You’re like, “Do you wanna play?” They’re like, “More than anything.” “But I have the high score, so it wouldn’t be fair.” Your married friends don’t want more married friends. Nobody wants more married friends. Sorry if you’re married. I know you’re up front. Two-income household. Nobody wants more married friends, okay? ‘Cause your life updates are boring. I’m happy you’re settled. Good for you. Know who has fun life updates? Your single friends. We’re out there, making mistakes. Named Trevor, usually. Have you asked married friends what they did over the weekend? “What’d you guys do?” “I don’t know. Just woke up next to my soulmate… again.” [giggles] Ask your single friend, “What did you do this weekend?” They’re like, “I woke up in a shallow grave!” “Why are you proud of that? Did you have sex in a grave?” They’re like, “Why do you think we dug the grave?” Do you have that one single friend who thinks she’s hot and fun, but she’s actually just in constant danger all the time? Every time she tells you a dating story, you’re like, “Oh my God, okay.” “No, we’re not judging, but maybe just share your location with us indefinitely.” I have one friend like that. Every week she tells me the scariest stories I’ve ever heard in my life. “I had the hottest date Friday. I’m making out with this guy at a bar. So sexy. He’s like, ‘Let me show you something.’ Pulls me into the back alley. Pulls out his huge… gun. Points it at my face. ‘Gimme your phone, keys, and wallet.’ Okay, kinky. I’ll try anything once.’ Right? He hits me in the head. I wake up 30 minutes later in a puddle. I hitchhike home. Oh my God, I am such a Samantha.” [audience laughs] We’re like, “We think you got mugged, babe.” She’s like, “Mugged? You’re such a prude. He’s gonna call me. He has my phone. You’ll meet him. He took my breath away.” We’re like, “No, he knocked the wind out of you.” Your friends say the dumbest shit when you go through a breakup. Trying to be helpful. Like, “Well, why don’t you just date yourself?” “‘Cause you told me not to settle. What the fuck?” “I can do better than me!” “Why can’t you just be single for a year?” “Why can’t you walk without headphones?” “‘Cause you’ll think about death the whole time. Exactly.” [audience laughs] This last breakup was different. This was the first breakup I’d gone through since I got on Netflix. And before I was on Netflix, my friends were very supportive. Like, “We’re so sorry. It’ll get better.” Then I got on Netflix and went through a breakup, and all my friends were like, “Well…” [audience chuckling] “I mean, you have your dream job, so…” My friends looked me in my sad face and went, “You can’t have it all, bitch.” All of them! And I was so offended. I thought about it, and I was like, “Know what?” “I don’t want anybody to have it all.” None of us do. It’s why they keep putting out Marilyn Monroe documentaries. They’re like, “She was pretty sad.” And we’re like, “Yeah, she fucking was.” Nobody wants anybody to have it all. If someone has their soulmate, you don’t want them to have their dream job too. If someone has their dream job, they don’t get to be in love on top. If someone has their dream job and their soulmate, bare minimum, their parents better be divorced. I’d prefer they were an orphan. [audience laughs] Nobody wants anybody to have it all. When I was a kid, I didn’t think you could. I thought you either got to be hot or have a good personality. I thought that’s how we’re divided. I thought life was fair. That got me through a lot of ugly years as a child. “It’s okay that I’m not more symmetrical.” “I have this great personality that will surely reveal itself any day now.” “It’s coming with my period and my Hogwarts letter. I can feel it.” That got me to sixth grade, when I met my friend Krista, and she was pretty, funny, smart, and nice. And that’s when I stopped believing in God. [audience laughs] But so many friends said a version of this to me after my last breakup that I started to feel really guilty. Because you know what, DC? This is my dream job. I can’t believe I’m filming my third Netflix special tonight. I cannot believe it. [audience cheering] I have been so insanely lucky in my career. And the more I thought about that, I was like, “Nobody has every single thing going for them as a person. You have been so blessed. Be grateful for what you have. Focus on that. Nobody gets to have it all.” And then I saw Hugh Jackman in person. [audience laughs] I was like, “I guess you can have it all. But there’s none left because ‘God’ gave it all to Hugh.” Hugh Jackman is a perfect specimen of a human man. Seeing him in person was a religious experience. It changed me. It was like seeing the Grand Canyon. Everyone should do it before they die. He is a wonder of the world, that man. It was like seeing Niagara Falls. You can bring the whole family. You get a little wet, but it’s fun. It was… [laughter, applause] Here’s what happened. About a year and a half ago, we were in New York, doing shows on tour. We had an off night in between theater shows. So me, my buddy Dustin, and his wife, Melissa, and a few friends, who were also happy, went to go see The Music Man on Broadway, starring Hugh Jackman. Was it a good show? I don’t know. But Hugh Jackman was there the whole time. They should’ve called the show, “We got Hugh Jackman in a room. Who wants to see him?” The show was great. At the end, they’re doing curtain calls. The actors are taking their bows. One of the actors steps forward and goes, “You’ve come on a special week, Tonight we’re raising money for an amazing charity called Broadway Cares. Tonight Hugh is gonna sign the pair of gloves he wore in the show. We’re gonna auction them to the highest bidder.” And I looked at my friends, and I was like, “I mean… I have money.” They were like, “This is what you’re gonna spend the Netflix money on?” And I was like, “Well, I don’t have a family.” [audience laughs] “There’s no one else here, and I’ve already had braces. If I can’t have it all, I’m gonna have those gloves.” Also, I thought it’d be hilarious as a bit. Because everybody asks you when you get on television, “What’d you spend that money on? A new jacket? A new car?” And I’m like, “How funny would it be if my first big TV purchase was a pair of sweaty gloves worn by Wolverine,” right? [chuckles] It’s like, what am I, a man? So dumb. I start competing in the auction, and I’m doing pretty well. ‘Cause I got nothing to lose and no one to live for. I’m doing so well, it gets down to me and two other bidders. It gets down to me, an older woman towards the front, and I kid you not, Jake from State Farm. That is 100% true, that detail, and I hesitate to include it because it makes the story sound like a dream I had once. “So in the dream, I’m trying to get Hugh’s gloves. Jake from State Farm thinks he’s gonna get ’em. Fat chance, commercial boy. Those are mine.” “Then Flo from Progressive rides in on a horse for some reason.” “Whoops, who’s that?” “Tony the Tiger pops a wheelie on his motorbike.” “All-cash offer.” “You can’t beat Tony. That’s old money.” So it is now me, this woman, and Jake. I think what happened next was Jake could tell that me and this woman needed the win more than he did. So like a good neighbor, State Farm backs out. Yep. It is now me and this woman. We are ping-ponging, back and forth. I think I blacked out because when I came to, we were at a number that I’ve not agreed to pay since college. So exactly like college, I’m like, “This is crazy. I’m not gonna finish.” [audience laughing] As they’re about to say, “Once, twice, sold to the woman in front,” Hugh Jackman steps forward, stops the auctioneer, and goes, “Before we end the auction, I just have to say, I am so moved by the generosity of tonight’s audience. You know, I have two gloves. If I were to sign both of them, would these two ladies match each other’s bid?” And he looked right at me. Now, I’ve never paid for sex… [audience laughing] …but I did drop seven grand on eye contact with Hugh Jackman. [audience laughing, clapping] [cheering subsides] Thank you for clapping. That joke was expensive. [audience laughs] They’re like, “It’s a tax write-off.” I’m like, “Don’t worry. I will make sure that it is.” I wish I could tell you I was like, “It’s for charity.” But the truth is, I completely forgot till the end. Even then, I was barely listening. I was busy talking to the glove. Like, “Hugh’s fingers were inside you. What was that like?” “He’s surprisingly gentle.” “I knew it.” I love that story ’cause I can always tell who grew up in church based on who starts laughing at “You know, I have two.” You’re like, “Oh, I read the Bible. I know when they’re about to cut a baby in half.” I don’t think the dating app thing is for me, by the way. Don’t think I can do it. Is anyone in here on dating apps? [light applause, whooping] Okay, has anyone in here never been on a dating app? [louder whooping] I don’t care for that. Wish I hadn’t asked. The smugness of those whoos. I hated every second of that. If you’ve never been, let me tell you what it’s like. Every dating app profile, you get six photos of what look like six different human beings. Then you go and sit in a coffee shop and wait for him. Like, “Come on, picture number three. Come on, picture number three.” And then he gets there, and you’re like, “Goddammit, it’s four.” But you can’t just leave. You gotta sit there for 45 minutes, nodding and smiling, knowing you’re gonna ghost him later. You feel creepy. You feel like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense. Just like, “Oh, he doesn’t know he’s dead yet.” [audience laughing] Dating is so awkward, especially dating apps. A dating app date is not a blind date, but it is a nearsighted one, you know? The first date’s easy. You get dinner, drinks. That’s basic. But then they’re like, “This was fun. We should hang again. What should we do?” You’re like, “Well, shit. I’m not a person with hobbies or interests. I’m basically just a stack of frightened possums in a trench coat, doing an impression of someone I saw on the street eight years ago. So then you gotta go home and get online like a loser. Date Ideas, 2023.” We could bowl. Ever drive past a bowling alley? “How do these stay open?” Second dates, that’s how. We could bowl or mini golf. Is laser tag a real thing? You’re just doing shit church youth groups do when they’re trying not to touch each other. Just, “Lace up those bowling shoes, my man. You’re either gonna commit to me or Christ tonight. Can’t finger these holes. You can finger those. Pick your ball. Pick your ball.” I’m an introvert, and I think that’s why dating’s harder. Extroverts are better. You like getting to know people. You’re into it for some reason. That’s why you’re better at casual sex. When you think about it, a one-night stand is meeting someone as hard as you possibly can. I’ve never been able to have casual sex as an introvert. I can’t relate to my male comic friends in green rooms when they’re talking shop about road sex. “Yeah, I had sex with this girl and then lost interest after I came.” I’m like, “Totally. That’s how I feel after I poop in a Barnes & Noble.” Right? ‘Cause it’s like, “I got what I came for. We can go.” Those are my most fun friends to talk to. My friends who have casual sex regularly, I always want to hear their updates. I have a friend on Tinder. I call her every Monday. “How was your weekend?” She goes, “Great. Remember that guy I told you about? He is so good at dirty talk, Taylor.” I’m like, “What’s good dirty talk, in your opinion?” She goes, “I really like being called a slut and a whore.” I’m like, “Oh my God.” “If you like being called a slut and a whore in bed, your parents loved you so much.” Dirty talk is hot because it’s shit you’ve never heard before. Ooh! If someone called me a whore in bed, I’d be like, “Excuse me? That’s what my father calls me. That is a family name. Boundaries, sir. Look around. Is this sex or Thanksgiving?” Read the room. I wanna hear shit in bed I’ve never heard. I wanna hear like, “Hey. I set up a college fund for you.” [audience laughing] “I think your arms look too thin. I really enjoyed your Netflix special.” I have some daddy issues. I’m working on ’em. In therapy. Not in my relationships, not anymore. I used to put my dad and ex-boyfriends in the same group text and write in all-caps, “I don’t feel pretty today. Whose fault do we think that is?” [audience member] Yeah! “Discuss.” [audience laughs] That worked better than it usually does. I’m worried about you guys. [audience laughs] That one’s usually for me. Are we all right? I really like you guys. You guys are great. [audience laughing, cheering] Another friend is such an extrovert, she’s gonna have a threesome with a guy she’s dating. I was like, “Really?” She goes, “Yeah. Would you?” I was like, “God, no.” I don’t even want to hang out with two other people. I’ve never been in the middle seat on a flight, fighting for an armrest, like, “Wish we were all naked. That would be cool.” [audience laughing] I don’t think I could date an extrovert again. I dated an extrovert once. We moved in together. The first week, he’s like, “Hey, what if we had some people over?” I was like, “Look, if you don’t wanna be with me, just say so. You want to have people over? Over what? My dead body?” If you’re an extrovert in love with an introvert, you gotta understand, asking us to invite people over is like asking us to do anal. Watch our face change. Like, “I’m sorry. Is it your birthday?” Seems like a big ask for a random Tuesday. I live alone now. It’s incredible. I fall asleep in the middle of the bed like a boy king. “Good night, Joffrey.” It’s fantastic. I eat all the food I buy. Every grocery goes in me or it goes bad. That’s power, DC. Yeah. If I clog the toilet at home, I don’t have to deal with it right away. That’s freedom, DC. When I lived with a man I was attracted to, I was like, “Please, toilet. Don’t tell him I’m a human woman. I beg of you, take my dark secrets to your watery grave. Remember our bargain!” Now I’m like, “You loser toilet, that’s what lids are for! You wanna see the sky? Do your job.” [audience laughing] I was so afraid of being single all throughout my twenties. I was terrified of being single. I used to jump from relationship to relationship. ‘Cause I was so scared that I was gonna die alone. Now that I’m older, I’m like, “I’m not gonna die alone.” I don’t go hiking by myself, all right? Someone will be there when I die. A doctor, a murderer, someone will bear witness. I’ve been single for the last year now, and it has been the most relaxing year of my entire life. [audience cheers] It has been lovely. Waking up every day going, “Oh, no one’s gonna make me cry today but me.” The peace, it’s lovely. Here’s the thing. Being single is not what sucks. Dating is what sucks, and you can opt out of that. Dating is what’s shitty. The constant push and pull of hope and disappointment. Dating feels like being a stuffed animal in a claw machine. Like, “Oh my God! It’s happening! No, it’s not. Oh my God, here we go. Can’t believe I told people! That’s embarrassing.” [Tomlinson tutting] “You’re moving me over to get to something else. I understand. I get that.” Things change so quickly as you’re getting older. I had a friend. I didn’t talk to her for a couple weeks. I called to catch up. She goes, “You’ll never guess. I think I met my soulmate on Bumble.” Gone, just like that. They’re getting married this spring. We were lying in the same pile of stuffed animals for years. I closed my eyes, and when I open ’em, she was outside the glass going, “It’ll happen for you too!” [audience laughing] [Tomlinson exhales] I love being the neutral friend who’s not dating because as you get closer to 30, breakups get more and more devastating. Half my friends are engaged, half are going through the worst breakup with the person they were gonna die with. Which means half the calls I get are, “I’m getting married,” and the other half are, “I’m getting old!” And I’m like, “I am getting Taco Bell. Who wants something?” Taco Bell, good for every occasion. Nothing’ll make you more grateful to be single than watching your friend go through a devastating breakup. That’s messed up to say, but it’s the truth. I have a friend who went through a breakup still follows her ex on social media. They’re trying to be mature and evolved. Rookie mistake. Her ex just posted a photo of him and his new girlfriend, who is a model. [audience winces] Don’t worry. We all called her. We’re like, “Hey, how’s it going? Have you been online today? Because we were thinking of maybe doing a no-screens day. We were thinking maybe we just power down, get a quilt, find a field. Maybe crack the Bible open one more time. I don’t know.” She’s like, “I already saw it.” We’re like, “Oh, we’re too late. Okay. Um, are you okay?” She’s like, “No, honestly, I wish he was just dating a man instead.” We’re like, “Oh, you are so problematic, Trish. Why would that be better for you if he was dating a man instead?” She goes, “No, listen. ‘Cause if he dumped me for a man, it would be like, ‘Well, okay, then he just wanted something that I could never be.'” We were like, “Well, yeah. I mean, that’s kinda… well… Right?” “No, no, no! No! No. No. No, you’re so pretty, babe.” “But like a model? That’s kind of like a different…” “Look around. Don’t you think if you were a model, we’d all be models? Like, this isn’t model squad. This is personality squad. Like, this is a different… team you’re on.” We have another friend who got cheated on, which is crazy. You can’t cheat anymore. It’s not the ’90s, you idiot! Your phone is tracking your every movement. You’re going to get caught. You’re gonna buy your side chick flowers. Your wife’s gonna get a text from Bank of America. Like, “We noticed that Steve was being thoughtful?” [audience laughs] “That just seemed like suspicious activity… over here at BoA, ’cause we know that POS.” [audience laughs] It’s important to hang out with married friends if you are the single one. You play an important role in their lives. I love to third-wheel my married friends, go to dinner, see a movie. ‘Cause I love when they walk up to meet me in front of the restaurant and I can tell that they’ve been fighting in the car. [audience laughs] Married people think you hide it so well. You’re just like, “Let’s just table it till later and have a nice evening.” Then you come in real sweaty. [in stilted tone] “Hey. Good to see you. Glad we’re finally doing this. Did they bring bread? The bread should’ve beat us here.” “Hey, can we get some bread, please? Can we get something to do with our hands other than attack each other, please? How are you? Tell us about you. Don’t make me look at her. Don’t make me look at her.” That’s when you, as a single friend, tell your married friends about dating. You get to tell them about the ghosting, the catfishing, and the deepfake AI porn. And you know, they get back in the car a few hours later like… [shaky, relieved sigh] “I don’t say this enough, but I’m grateful for you.” [audience laughing] Hang out with your married friends, go to their barbeque. “I’d love to come. What can I bring? Ice? Dessert? Perspective?” Want to know the best part about being single? The best part, hands down, is that you do not have to introduce anybody to your parents. Have you guys introduced people to your parents? It’s not about introducing people you love to one another. Is it? No! It’s about showing your partner why you’re mean to them sometimes. [audience laughing] It’s about taking your sexual partner back to the scene of the crime. To say, “See? The stories are true.” You don’t want your partner to like your parents. You want them to walk out of that night going, “Oh my God. Your parents are just…” “I know. I know.” “Seriously, babe. How did you ever…?” “I don’t know. I don’t know. Kinda seems like people should cut me some slack when I’m being a bitch, though, huh?” [audience laughing, whooping] “Kinda seems like maybe now that we have all the information, turns out I could be a lot crazier if I wanted. But I keep a lid on it pretty good, and… I deserve to stop at Target on the way home. With no time limit. And I want a cart. Not a basket.” Be careful when you introduce people to your parents. Your parents don’t always show up as your parents, do they? Mine never did. My parents undermined me every time I brought someone to meet them. I did everything right. I did the huddle in the car before. “Hey, remember, those people in there, they’re not your friends. Whatever they say, do not take that personally. It’s not you. It’s them. You want to write that on your hand? You can look at my tattoo if you get scared. Let’s do it.” Then you go inside, prepared for your parents to show their true colors, and your parents float downstairs. And they’re just amazing all night. They’re fun, cool, laid-back. Your dad’s in an open Hawaiian shirt. Just a one-man conga line, topping off drinks. Saying all kinds of progressive shit you’ve never heard him say. “You want another beer? We should golf sometime. What are your pronouns again?” [mouthing] What the fuck? And you gotta get back in the car later, muttering like a conspiracy theorist. “That was not… and I was there, and I know what happened, and it was right there. No one can tell me what didn’t happen, and I know about everything.” [Tomlinson muttering] Your boyfriend buckles up, like, “I don’t know, babe. Your parents are awesome.” And you’re like, “Ugh. No, they are not. I don’t know who those lizard people were, but they are not the ones who broke me.” The next time you see your parents, they’re all smug, like, “Jason seemed to like us.” You’re like, “I know what you’re doing.” “Maybe your therapist wants to meet us. Get our side of the story.” “I cannot wait till you’re in the ground.” “All right, well, we’d like to be cremated.” “I will scatter your ashes where God can’t find them!” [audience laughing] “I will see you both at Easter.” Therapy gets better when you’re single too ’cause you have time to dig into things like that. When you’re in a relationship, you waste half of every session going over all the shit your partner won’t go to therapy for. When you’re single, that’s an hour of you every week. It’s almost too much time. You gotta start doing your homework. After my last breakup, I was coming into therapy hot every week with ideas. “You know what I realized this week? The elementary school I went to? Across the street from a cemetery.” And she’s like, “Okay. And…?” I’m like, “I don’t know, but that seems like something, doesn’t it? I bring the ingredients. You bake the cake. I’m not a doctor. I went down deep inside me, found something scary, brought it back up to you. I was so brave. Where’s my treat?” [audience laughing] “So brave, favorite client!” I want to find out if I’m my therapist’s favorite client. You can’t ask. They won’t tell. I’ve tried. The only way I can think to figure this out is to get in touch with another one of her clients. And then me and that client plan to call her, over the weekend. Separately. At the exact same time… suicidal. [audience laughs, winces] And then we just see whose call she takes. We both wanna end it. Who you want to keep here, Dr. S? And then whoever wins, we go to the next set of clients. And we just kind of do brackets. Sort of like a March Sadness situation. [audience laughing] I’ve been working on anxiety in therapy. That’s been my focus for years. Anybody have anxiety? [audience cheers] Anybody struggle with panic attacks? [audience cheers] Has anyone ever gone to the emergency room for anxiety or panic attacks? A few of us! What did we think was happening? Heart attack? Yeah. You get there, and they’re like, “It’s actually your mind attacking you.” I’ll make you feel better. I went to the ER once because I fell asleep in AirPods. Woke up, couldn’t find one. Thought I swallowed it. [audience laughing] “You meant you drove halfway there and turned around ’cause it was silly?” Nope. Went the whole way. Got seen. I wish I could pretend this story happened a really long time ago, but the technology involved makes that impossible. I’ve always had a lot of trouble sleeping my entire life. And before AirPods came out, I would fall asleep in regular headphones, listening to a podcast or a movie, something to calm me down. Before AirPods came out, headphones had cords on them. So if you swallowed one, you’d pull it out like a magician scarf. They came out with AirPods. I started falling asleep in those. So a few years ago, doesn’t matter how many, I fell asleep in two AirPods, woke up in one AirPod, and was like, “Well, obviously, I swallowed it.” Like a baby or a dog. Convinced my sister to take me to the emergency room, ruining Christmas morning for everyone. [audience laughing] We get to the emergency room in our hometown, where I have to tell three grown women at the front desk what I’m doing there. I’m like, “You probably get this all the time.” “But it would seem that I may have inadvertently in my sleepy-sleeps swallowed an AirPod?” And they were like… [stifling laughter] “An AirPod? Sweetie, those are pretty big.” “Those are big.” “You think you could have swallowed…” I said, “How about we don’t have a team discussion about what I can and can’t swallow, okay?” [audience laughing] They’re like, “Someone was ugly in middle school. We’ll take you back.” So, they take me back. We’re waiting for a doctor. I don’t know what I thought a doctor was gonna do if I had, in fact, swallowed an AirPod. They’re not gonna perform surgery. They’re gonna go, “Yeah, it’s in there.” “Well, stop at Taco Bell on the way home. Good luck.” Taco Bell, good for every occasion. I don’t know what I thought the AirPod was gonna do to me damage-wise. I’m like, what if it’s still charged? What if it electrocutes my intestines? Or starts playing Glee covers and everyone can hear? My sister’s like, “You deleted them all.” “Not all of them. Some of them are bangers!” Before a doctor can come in to see us, my other sister calls us from home and goes, “Hey, yeah. We found it in the pillowcase.” “Does crazy want to come home and have pancakes now?” I’m so embarrassed. I want to sneak out the back as quickly as possible. I’m like, “Let’s just go.” My sister’s like, “They’re gonna think something bad happened.” I was like, “Something bad did. Let’s go!” She’s like, “That’s an emergency exit.” I’m like, “It’s an emergency room. It’s a regular exit. Let’s leave!” Here’s my problem with the emergency room. When you are having an anxiety or panic attack, it is your only option. Which is why I think they need a second option next door called “the Anxiety Room.” All right? So you have the ER and the AR. The ER is where you go when you’ve been shot, stabbed. You’re actively bleeding. You fill out all that paperwork ’cause that seems like the time to do it. And then the AR is where you go when you’re like, “I don’t know where the bad is, but it’s in me somewhere.” “It’s either cancer or the devil, but I have to get it out.” And that is just one fill-in-the-blank form that says, “I know that it is probably fine, but…” [audience laughing] “My bones feel itchy. I don’t know!” “I just need someone in a white coat to tell me I’m stupid.” I know I mentioned during that joke I have trouble sleeping. Please, for the love of God, do not DM me articles after this show. I know you mean well, but I promise you I’ve read every sleep article out there. “Three ways how to sleep better!” It is the same recycled tips over and over and over. “Get a light lavender mist to spray on the cold side of your pillow at twilight.” What am I, a witch? “Make sure it’s really dark and quiet in your room at night.” “Oh my God, it’s supposed to be dark? I’m such a dumb bitch.” “I’ve been sleeping under a disco ball. Because vibes.” “I didn’t know!” “Okay. Dark, quiet, check. Fixed!” “Why not leave your cell phone in a different room at night?” “Why don’t you put your baby outside?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] This is not to say that I’m against sleep advice. I’m just jaded. I think I feel about sleep tips the way a lot of men feel about porn. Where I’m like, “No, I’ve seen all the basic stuff.” “Send me something weird.” I’m gonna ask this question. Let me preface this. It’s okay if nobody has an answer. I ask every audience every night. It’s nothing weird. If you think that you have a weird sleep tip I’ve never heard of… I’ve read every article, listened to every podcast, seen a lot of TikToks. I ask this question to every audience, every night of this tour. If you think you have a weird sleep tip that I have never ever heard of, raise your hand and tell me what that is. That being said, if anybody goes, “Have you tried the Calm meditation app?” I will have you removed. [audience laughing] It’s okay if no one has one. Does anyone have one? We got a confident one right here. What have you got? [audience member 1] Masturbate. Masturbate? Bitch, please. You think I haven’t tried masturbating? I don’t go to sleep. I come to sleep. Next. [audience laughing, cheering] All right. What else we got? Thanks for playing. What have you got? [no audible reply] There’s two things? And I do them in order? Okay. [audience member 2] You have to do a handstand. I have to do a handstand against the wall? Okay. Yoga, no. This sounds like I need to be hotter for this. I can’t. Well, all right. I just want to hear the end. So you do a handstand against the wall. Just a couple seconds. Just for a couple seconds. Just easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl. This is how hot people talk. They’re like, “Just do a handstand for 10 seconds. It’s no big deal.” You’re like, “Some of us are top-heavy.” All right, anyway. Sorry, go ahead. You need to be upside down. And then you sleep upside down. I haven’t heard the handstand part, but I have heard sleep upside down. ‘Cause it changes the bed, yeah. It confuses your body. Yeah, confuse yourself to sleep. Okay. That’s one. I’ve half-heard that one. Okay, so we’ll half give it to you. Anybody else think they have a weird one? Really weird. It’s okay if nobody does. I’m just curious. Who said “Whoo”? [audience member 3] Whoo! All right, what do you got? Listen to him talk. Listen to who? This guy. Listen to the guy you’re with talk? Are you trying to get left? Or are you trying to offload your partner right now? You’re like, “This one’s available.” “He just talks and talks. You fall asleep eventually.” “This dude right here.” Wow, okay. That was fun. We all stepped in a divorce. Wasn’t that a good time? That’s the first time that’s happened when I ask that. Every night, never one of those. “Take this boring piece of shit home.” [audience laughing] All right. Last one. What you got? [audience member 4] Listen to someone’s random phone calls in the other room. I listen to my mom have a conversation with my grandma… You eavesdrop on somebody’s… phone conversation from the other room? You listen to your mom talk to your grandma? Did you miss the whole part where I said I am alone? [audience laughs] At least the last girl offered me someone. “Have you tried falling asleep to the sound of people who love you in the other room?” I would that I could! Okay, well, those hurt my feelings. I’m gonna tell you the best one I’ve heard on this tour. It was a few months ago. A woman in the front row. “I have a weird sleep tip.” I said, “What you got?” She goes, “When I can’t sleep, I lay on the floor in the kitchen for 10 minutes.” And I was like, “Okay. And then what happens?” She goes, “Then I get back in bed. I go to sleep.” This poor girl abusive-parents herself. She’s like, “Aw, you can’t sleep?” “You know some kids don’t have beds, right?” “Go lay face down on the cold tile for 10 minutes.” “See if you’re not more grateful after that.” And you know what? I tried it, and it works. It totally works. [audience laughing] I do it on the bathroom floor in hotel rooms. I’ve had COVID many times, but… I want to get a handle on my anxiety. ‘Cause if I didn’t have anxiety, I’d be totally different. The worrying alone takes up so much mental and emotional energy every day. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t prepare you for anything bad happening. I told my therapist recently, “I know worrying doesn’t do any good.” “What’s that quote by that philosopher? ‘When you worry, you just suffer twice.'” She goes, “Who said it?” I looked it up. It’s from a fucking Harry Potter prequel. [audience laughing] I was so confident, I Googled it in front of her. She’s like, “What philosopher said that?” I’m like, “Newt Scamander. Shit.” “Think it was a fortune cookie. Can we move on?” “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Without anxiety, I’d have a totally different personality because so many decisions I make in life are fear-based, or so many decisions I don’t make are fear-based. I watch the same shows and movies over and over because it calms me down. I know what to expect. I date the same type of person over and over ’cause I know what to expect. If you think you have a “type,” you don’t. You have anxiety. See someone. I have three younger siblings. They’re all Gen Z, they’re all queer, they’re all in serious relationships, and they’re all so disappointed in me every time I start dating another straight white guy. They’re like, “Come on, Taylor. Fuck the patriarchy.” I’m like, “You guys, I’m literally fucking the patriarchy.” Do you know how hard it is to continue dating straight men when you’re surrounded by three queer relationships up close? Queer relationships are the most beautiful, thoughtful, creative things I’ve ever seen in my life. My sister and her partner are in a romance novel. Every time I talk to them, I’m like, “I know you had a hard week. You okay?” She’s like, “Yeah. I did.” “To cheer me up, my partner got me my favorite snack in a limited edition flavor, they got me sand from the beach we went to on our first date, and you know how I always wanted an Easy-Bake Oven and never got it?” “They found one on eBay.” [audience laughs] I’m like, “Oh my God, are they cheating on you?” She’s like, “What? No! They listen to me and remember things I say.” I’m like, “What? No, go through their phone.” “This shit stinks. Go through their phone. Trust me.” She’s like, “Okay. How are you and your boyfriend doing, Taylor?” I’m like, “Oh, we’re good.” “My boyfriend bought me a hot dog because he wanted one and I was there too.” “It was so romantic.” “He was like, ‘What? Sorry. Two, I guess.'” I don’t mean to shit on straight guys. I’ve dated a lot of you. But you are so proud of yourselves for almost nothing in a relationship. It is impressive to watch. A straight man will put a candle in his bathroom and be like, “I’ve changed my whole life for you!” Then you’re like, “You didn’t even light it, man.” “It kind of smells like lavender if you get down real close.” “I’d trade this candle for a slice of empathy, if I’m being honest.” Have you tried to explain the concept of empathy to a tall, handsome white guy? That is a delicate conversation. You’re like, “Okay. Imagine that you’re me.” “But I’m not.” Okay. “Hard to argue. Touché.” “Imagine that you feel how I feel.” “But I don’t.” “Okay.” “Imagine that you could feel how I feel.” “I never will.” “Okay. Imagine you’re a basketball player.” “Okay.” [audience laughs] “What else? I like this game.” “Fine, in this analogy, you’re a basketball player.” “And you’re a really great teammate.” “You love your team. You do everything for your team.” “Your team is not noticing.” “Your team is not appreciating you for all you do, for the MVP that you are.” “And this week, your team forgot your birthday.” “Now, how does that make you feel?” “That sucks!” “Yes!” Trying to get a hot guy to empathize is like trying to get a woman to come. “Nobody move!” “We’re so close. It’s a car alarm.” “Stay focused, please.” “Worked so hard.” I’ve been trying to figure out if I’m bisexual or if I just binged Euphoria too fast. [audience laughing] I’ve been trying to date women, but I dunno how to get women to like me. I know how to get men to like me. Easy. You trick ’em. Just wait until they kind of like you, and then you’re like, “You don’t like me.” They’re like, “Yeah, I do.” “You don’t.” “Yeah, I do.” You’re like, “No, you don’t.” “I do!” You do that until they get you pregnant, I think. You just turn it into a fun challenge for ’em. “Bet you can’t spend your life with me.” They’re like, “Fucking watch me, you bitch!” Like when you ask a kid to take out the trash, and they’re like, “No!” And you’re like, “I’ll time you.” And he’s like… [gasps] “See? You didn’t even think you wanted to do that.” He’s like, “Who cares? I’m the fastest boy alive.” Hitting on women is so much harder. It feels so much more delicate. Hitting on a woman feels like trying to skip a stone on a lake. Hitting on a man feels like throwing a brick through a window. Like, “I don’t really care. I just want to see what happens.” “I’m not gonna live here.” I might be sexist. I’m hearing it now as I’m talking. I think I’m sexist because when a man rejects me, I’m like, “This idiot!” But when a woman rejects me, I’m like, “She knows what she’s talking about. Um…” I was talking to a friend of mine about it because you don’t wanna just… It’s scary to just say you’re bisexual ’cause then someone’s always like, “Prove it. Here’s a pic of Margot Robbie. Are you wet? Lemme feel.” Everyone’s really… Everyone’s aggressive about it. It’s weird. You’ve got to prove it to people. Uh, but I was asking my friend about it, and she goes, “Obviously, sexuality is a spectrum.” She watched Euphoria too. She goes, “I know that I’m straight. I could not go down on another girl.” “I think that’s gross.” I was like, “Okay. Let’s think about this.” “Why are you not going down on a girl now? Is it gross to you?” And I was like, “No, it’s not that it’s gross to me.” “It’s that I really don’t want to be bad at something as an adult.” My brother is trans, my sisters are gay, and I identify as afraid. I am so afraid of failure. I can’t even stick with new hobbies as an adult. How am I supposed to get good at… Getting good at going down on women would be like learning piano. I would love to have that skill. Bust that shit out at parties, impress everyone. But I don’t have the time or humility to sit down and learn new fingerings. I don’t have it. [laughter, applause] I get halfway through “Jingle Bells.” I’m like, “I suck.” “I should’ve started at 12. I’ll never catch up.” I already know how to play clarinet. It is not my passion, but I have the respect of my peers. I have many years of experience under my belt. Under someone’s belt, under some belts. When I was a kid, I didn’t know there was another option. They were like, “You’re a girl, play clarinet.” I was like, “What about piano? Could I play piano?” They’re like, “Sure, you can play piano if you want to go to fucking hell!” Anybody, religious trauma? [whooping] Do we have any of that in here? Okay. I’m sorry if you don’t have any. I know I’m a broken record. I should shut up about it, but I keep realizing new things. For example, did you know when you come, you’re not supposed to yell, “Take that, Jesus!” Did you know that? [laughter] I wish that was a joke, DC. I really do. Even if you didn’t grow up religious, a lot of people grew up sheltered. Round of applause, how many people did not get a sex talk? [audience clapping] Round of applause. Yeah, see? Now, round of applause, who did get a sex talk growing up? Who did get one? [audience cheering] You did. Do you mind me asking how old you were? Is it okay I’m talking to you? I want to make sure. If I talk to you and you’re not into it, that’s completely fine. I wouldn’t talk to a live entertainer. Do you consent to crowd work? I need a verbal yes. Not just a thumbs up. Yes? See? Not that hard. That’s how it’s done. All right. All right. How old were you when you got the sex talk? [audience member] Nine. Nine? Okay. That seems a little early but also kind of okay. I don’t know how tall you were at nine. Right? Were you asking questions, or were your parents like, “It’s time”? My mom took me for a picnic in the garden. Your mom took you for a picnic in the garden? Fuck you so hard. Are you serious? Your mom took you to a picnic in the garden to tell you the horrors of sex. I’m sorry. I’m having an emotional reaction to that. That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. This Secret Garden sex talk. Holy shit, okay. Wow, what’s that like, Lorelai Gilmore? Fuck me. So you weren’t asking questions or anything? Your mom was like, “It’s time…” Oh, you were asking questions? See, a lot of people ask questions. And I didn’t realize all these kids were so smart. I didn’t know we were supposed to be. I never asked any questions. Which is so stupid, now that I think about it. ‘Cause when I was a kid, before I got my period, I had three holes. I still do. I don’t know why I said it like that. I still do. For the record. Just for anybody watching… I’ve always have had, always will have. I think. When you get your tubes tied, do they seal it off? I’m gonna Google it. Forget this. This was a tangent. I’ll deal with this on my own. But before I got my period, I had three holes, and one of the holes wasn’t doing anything, right? And I never thought to ask anyone around me, “Hey, what’s this unemployed hole doing between my other two holes that are working pretty hard?” I just walked around all day like, “I don’t know. That’s my big one!” “God knows what he’s doing.” “That’s where my faith goes.” After I saw Music Man, I started calling it my glove compartment, but… that is another story. [laughter, applause] This was my sex talk. So when I was ten, I read what sex was in a book. Not planning on it. Just like, “Oh my God!” Tried to forget. Just assaulted by Judy Blume, quite frankly. Then two years later, my dad was driving me home, and out of nowhere, he goes, “Do you know what sex is?” I was like, “Yeah, I read it in a book. Let’s never speak again.” And he’s like, “All right, I need you to tell me what it is so I know you know.” My dad made me give him the sex talk! I was like, “Do you know what it is?” He’s like, “Tell me what you know. Then I’ll tell you what I know.” “And we’ll get to the bottom of this together.” I used to ask my parents for relationship advice every time I went through a breakup. Don’t. Unless you want to learn about your parents. I had a terrible breakup in my early twenties. I was home. My stepmom was trying to comfort me. She goes, “You know, there was a guy in my twenties I wanted to marry.” “When it didn’t work out, I was devastated.” I said, “I didn’t know this.” And my dad goes, “I did! She talks about him all the time.” And I was like, “Who was this guy? What was his deal?” She goes, “He was really cool, actually. He was an Alzheimer’s scientist.” And my dad goes, “Notice how that’s not cured yet.” [laughter] She’s like, “Wow, honey. I hope we never get Alzheimer’s.” He’s like, “I hope we do! So we can all forget about this guy.” I used to be way too loose with who I asked relationship advice from. People in the audience, total strangers. I asked a couple in the front row once. Two couples therapists who had married each other. I know. You ever see quadruple-stuffed Oreos? And you’re like, “Enough.” Right? That is a hat on a hat. It’s excessive. But I was like, “Two off-duty couples therapists.” “You gotta ask them.” I said, “Any advice for people in relationships who are fighting a lot?” They said, “We do.” “You know how a lot of people have a safe word to stop sex?” “Everyone needs to have a safe word during fights.” I asked a married friend, “Do you have a safe word for fights?” He was like, “What?” I’m like, “A word that stops the fight.” He goes, “We have one.” I said, “What is it?” He goes, “Cunt.” [audience laughing, wincing] “But I have to say it. It doesn’t really work if she says it.” I was like, “Jesus. I was looking for ‘pineapple, ‘ dude, but…” I used to ask for relationship advice after breakups because I thought that was me working on myself, but it really wasn’t. It was me figuring out how to get into another relationship, quickly as possible. So I wouldn’t have to work on myself. The reason people don’t want to be single for long is that once you’re single for a little bit, you start to notice, “Ooh, some of the issues in my relationships are still here.” And it’s just me now. There’s only one set of footprints in the sand. And no one’s carrying my ass. I realized in the last year I have a lot to work on. I realized I’m petty in relationships. I don’t wear perfume when I’m single. Don’t even think about it. I wear perfume in a relationship, though. Because I know if we break up and you smell that smell later, you’ll get sad. And that makes me happy. I don’t wear perfume to smell good. I wear it to haunt you later. I was on a first date with a guy. I realized we both had three younger siblings. I said, “Oh my God. Let’s text our sibling group chats.” “Ask them what our biggest flaw is.” I’m so fun on a first date. I can’t believe I’m alone. He texts his brothers, “Hey, what’s my biggest flaw?” They write back, “Works too hard.” “Cares too much.” One wrote back, “Dyslexic,” which I thought was pretty funny. He couldn’t read it, but I could. [audience laughs] I text my siblings, “Hey, guys. What’s my biggest flaw?” And my brother writes back immediately, “You expect everyone to hurt you, so you leave before they can.” I was like, “Dude, I’m on a date right now.” “Sorry! Works too hard!” “I thought this was a secure line!” I’m a very emotional person, very emotional partner. I’m run by my emotions. Did you know some people feel feelings privately? Have you guys heard about this compartmentalizing bullshit? Some people apparently have these polite little feelings that shuffle up to ’em during the day. Tug on their sleeve like, “Hello, excuse me?” “I need to be felt at some point, whenever you get a chance.” You’re like, “I’m at work now.” “You’re at work? I’m so sorry.” “Have time later?” “I get off at 6:00.” “Okay, like 6:30, do you have time to feel abandoned and worthless?” “Okay, 6:30 in the parking lot. It’s a date.” “I love you so much. You’re doing great at work. Bye.” That’s never happened to me. Every feeling I have demands to be felt immediately. Every feeling I have demands its own parade. Every feeling I have turns into that scene from Aladdin where he’s pretending to be a prince. Just like… ♪ OMG, Taylor’s hungry! ♪ ♪ This could get dicey ♪ ♪ Needs a sandwich now She’s a bitch, take it from me ♪ But I’m glad I’ve had this year to work on this stuff because I needed it. I turned 30 two weeks ago. [cheering] And that means… Thank you. And that means that I have spent the last 14 years of my life trying to get good at this, trying to get good at stand-up. Trying to have the career that I am now fortunate enough to have, thanks to all of you, honestly. Yeah. [cheering, applause] And as grateful as I am, and as lucky as I am, it has really made me, this year especially, go, “Oh no.” I don’t know if I’m gonna be good at this other stuff. I… I mean, I know I’m a good comedian. I don’t know if I’m a good person, a good parent, a good partner. This hour of material that I’m doing right now, that’s like, “Can I have it all? I don’t even know!” This is not a bit, DC. I am genuinely concerned. I know how hard it is to do this job in this business and have a family. I see how hard friends of mine work. I also see how little work people put into it. Lot of people in this business are like, “You can have kids and travel!” “They got FaceTime now.” Which feels like tying your dog outside a shop. “I can see him through the window. He’s okay.” I still have childhood shit I’m working through on my own. I don’t want to put that on a kid, right? Like, I was watching a TED Talk recently… Sorry, I was watching a TikTok recently. I always get those confused. The information’s still good. It’s just vertical. …that said, if you have childhood trauma you’re working through, you need to learn how to parent yourself as a grown-up. So I’ve been trying to do that to heal, trying to parent myself. But I feel like I got pregnant with me in high school. And I was not ready for this responsibility. And now I wake up every morning, totally overwhelmed, trying not to shake me. Like, okay… “If I let you watch TikTok on my phone for 30 minutes, will you please stop crying?!” My friends are like, “You okay?” I’m like, “No, I think I have colic. I kept me up all night.” I love TikTok. You know what’s funny about TikTok? These kids are like lip-syncing, dancing, pretending they’re in a music video. We all did that growing up, didn’t we? Yeah! Alone in your room in the mirror, hairbrush. Of course. But if anyone had walked in on you doing it, you would’ve killed yourself, right? [laughter, applause] And these kids are online like, “I hope millions of people see this.” It’s like, “You could benefit from some bullying, I think.” “Might’ve… overcorrected a bit.” I do have a lot of friends who are getting married and having kids. They’re… Look, they’re condescending as hell. It’s so funny how the same girls who used to wake up drunk on train tracks are like, “I dunno how you stay out past 10:00 p.m. Your lifestyle’s really unhealthy.” I’m like, “I’ve seen you snort coke off a rusty bike rack.” “But you keep sniffing that baby’s head like we all forgot.” But my friends who have kids and are married, they complain about their jobs, and I do the same dismissive thing right back to them where I’m like, “Yeah, but you’re married, so you’re fine.” They’re like, “But I’m miserable 60 hours of the week.” I’m like, “But you have your dream dick, so you’re fine.” And it’s not great, and I think part of it is that we’re all turning 30. And 30 was this age in our heads where, like… “Well, by 30, we’ll have all our shit together, right?” That kept us going through our twenties. “We’re 25, and we’re garbage, but in five years, we’ll have it all figured out.” Then, “I’m 27. I’m just a piece of shit, but I have three years to turn this around.” And then you’re like, “I’m 29. Crunch time, bitch!” And now that we’re all 30, we’re like, “Oh shit, our lives are not going exactly as we always pictured them.” And so now there’s this weird comparing that’s going on, this weird tension. Like, I know that all of my friends both pity and envy me. Just like I know that I both pity and envy them, right? I know my friends look at me and go, “I’d probably focus on work if I was all alone.” And I go, “I’d probably have a bunch of kids if I had no talent.” So we’re all… [laughter, applause] And it’s not healthy, per se. But I do think it’s good to focus on what is going right in your life. I think that that’s gratitude. I think that that’s important. It has gotten me through a lot of weddings and baby showers, to have my dream job, to sit in the back row like, “Whatever, have your bullshit love party.” “Hope it works out.” “I’m gonna have the coolest job of anybody you know.” And that was true until somebody married an astronaut. [audience laughs] And everybody’s so impressed. I guess astronaut beats everything. They’re like, “You’ve gotta admit, that’s the coolest.” And I’m like, “He’s got to wear a costume or he’ll die?” Fuck off. That’s a dumb job. “No. If I can’t breathe somewhere, I don’t go there, Dan.” “That’s just science.” Dan hasn’t even been to space. He just goes to work and “practices space.” That’s his job. They put him in a rollercoaster. “Don’t throw up.” He’s like, “You got it!” What a hero. [laughter] I’m not proud, but I told the girl that married him, “You better hope he never does go to space.” She goes, “Why? It’s dangerous?” I said, “No, ’cause he’s gonna cheat on you up there.” Oh, you don’t think astronauts are cheating? They’re in space for months, floating. How long before one of them looks at each other like, “Hey, you know what we should try?” [laughter] “Houston, we have a problem. Not a big one. It’s medium.” “It’s not small or anything.” What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. What happens on the moon never happened. We faked that landing. That’s a joke. We didn’t. There were no female astronauts back then. [laughter] But if any of the relationships in my twenties had worked out, I would not have my dream job. I would not have the career I’ve always wanted. I’ve had a lot of cool experiences this year as a result of being on my own. I finally got to do some shows in Europe in April, which was a dream come true. And because I was single, instead of taking someone I was dating, I took Courtney. Courtney’s been my best friend since we were 10. Twenty years, she’s seen me through everything. She saw me through depression in high school. She saw my first stand-up show ever. I called off an engagement a few years ago. She kept my wedding dress in her attic like it was Jumanji. I’m like, “Just put this where I can’t hear the drums.” She and I got to run around Europe, paying for shit with my dick joke money. It was awesome. [audience cheering] Yeah. And it was really special to have her on that trip with me. Because exactly a year before that, last, last April, I was alone in a green room in Colorado, pre-show. Post-some breakup. I got a call from Courtney. “I thought you were on vacation with your boyfriend.” She goes, “Yeah, we are, but I just wanted to check in.” “That’s so nice.” And I talked to her about me for like 10, 15 minutes. Finally, I was like, “You’re not saying anything about you and your trip.” “I mean, are you guys okay?” She goes, “Oh my God. Yes. Oh, yeah.” “No, we’re great. We’re great. We’re actually, um…” “We are actually engaged.” I was like, “What? Oh my God! Why did you ask about me at all?” She goes, “I just wanted to make sure you were in a place where you could hear it.” [audience laughing] It was so sweet and so hurtful. I… I have never felt so seen and so insulted in my whole life. Her fiancé was there the whole time. She’s like, “And then what else?” “She sounds stable. She sounds like she can handle it.” That’s how you know your best friend’s met the one, when you can no longer get them on the phone alone. You call them late, crying. Halfway, they’re like, “By the way, you don’t care that Todd’s been here the whole time, right?” You’re like, “No, I actually called to see if Todd thinks I have a yeast infection.” [through gritted teeth] “So glad Todd is available!” Don’t get me wrong. I love my best friend’s fiancé. He’s amazing. If he died, would a little part of me go, “Sleepover”? Of course! But I was touched that she was thinking about me and my mental health during her engagement that I went out on stage, and I said, “Before we start the show, can you guys do me a favor?” “Can we make a video for my best friend?” The crowd’s like, “Yeah!” Got my phone, put it on selfie mode. And I went, “One, two, three! Congratulations, Courtney!” Me and 2,000 people, yelling it for her. I got offstage that night, and I texted her the video. To say, “Hey, I love you. I’m so happy for you.” “And look at all these people who pay to see me!” “I’m doing just fine.” “I have one of Hugh Jackman’s gloves.” Thank you so much, DC. You were absolutely amazing. Thank you, guys. Seriously. [“Boys Wanna Be Her” playing] Thank you so, so much. You guys were fantastic. [audience cheering] Does anyone think they have a weird sleep tip? Super weird. Wow. We got a confident hand right here. What do you got? [faintly] Sleep in a different city! Sleep in a different city? Bitch, do you know what my job is? Sleep in a different city?! Know your audience. What else we got? That was not a strong start. Anybody else… have anything? It’s okay if nobody does. We do right here. [audience member] Get a very firm MaxCoil mattress. Get a very firm mattress. Okay, do we need to hear the instructions again? If you think you have a weird sleep tip that I have never heard of, raise your hand and tell me. If no one has anything, that’s completely fine. We have one hand over here. What have we got, glasses? [audience member in glasses] A cat plus Xanax. Cat and Xanax. If you think… that I don’t have Xanax, this is your first show with me. Okay. Well, if nobody else thinks… Look, it’s fine. Okay, what about here? Right here. Four-seven-eight rhythmic breathing. What is it? Four-seven-eight rhythmic breathing. Rhythmic breathing. Okay, you guys, I’m gonna be honest. Y’all shat the bed on this one. These were some basic answers. Um, and that’s okay. What? Did someone say, “read a book”? I’m gonna fuck you up after the show. Meet me in the parking lot. Read a book? Oh my God. Okay, right here. It’s crazy that people are getting more confident as they hear other people’s terrible answers. They’re like, “I can beat firm mattress, surely.” What have you got, second row? Vicks on your back. What’s on your back? Vicks. Vicks on your back? These are not good, you guys. Thank you for playing. All right. What? Last one. Stretch for five minutes. Stretch for five minutes?! I’m never coming back to this city again. | [crowd cheering] [“Boys Wanna Be Her” by Peaches playing] [rowdy electroclash rock music playing] [emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Taylor Tomlinson! ♪ The boys wanna be her ♪ ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ ♪ The boys wanna be her ♪ ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ ♪ The boys wanna be her ♪ ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ DC, how we doing? [cheering in response] How stupid was that? [audience laughing] I came up from the floor like I’m a fucking Jonas brother. I know that was silly, and it was my idea! I was so embarrassed that I thought of that, but it was too late when we got here to change it because men with jobs had built it. And were operating it very well, I might add. And I was like, “We can probably just scrap it, right?” They’re like, “Well, this is like a week of our lives, so…” I know that that was dumb. Thank you for indulging me. [chuckles] How we doing, DC? Thank you so much for coming. [audience cheering] I have to be honest, my career is going very well right now. I… [audience cheering] This is the last night of the biggest tour I’ve ever done. I am filming my third Netflix special tonight. And recently, someone was using my name and photos on a dating app. [audience wooing in response] It was me. I was doing it. Went through a breakup, got on a dating app. Why? Because my married friends told me to. If you’re single, your married friends don’t want you to be happy. They don’t. They want you on those apps because the apps look fun and they can’t go on ’em. So they want to stand behind you like a kid at an arcade with no fucking quarters, while you fight for your life out there. They’re like, “Go left, go right!” You’re like, “Do you wanna play?” They’re like, “More than anything.” “But I have the high score, so it wouldn’t be fair.” Your married friends don’t want more married friends. Nobody wants more married friends. Sorry if you’re married. I know you’re up front. Two-income household. Nobody wants more married friends, okay? ‘Cause your life updates are boring. I’m happy you’re settled. Good for you. Know who has fun life updates? Your single friends. We’re out there, making mistakes. Named Trevor, usually. Have you asked married friends what they did over the weekend? “What’d you guys do?” “I don’t know. Just woke up next to my soulmate… again.” [giggles] Ask your single friend, “What did you do this weekend?” They’re like, “I woke up in a shallow grave!” “Why are you proud of that? Did you have sex in a grave?” They’re like, “Why do you think we dug the grave?” Do you have that one single friend who thinks she’s hot and fun, but she’s actually just in constant danger all the time? Every time she tells you a dating story, you’re like, “Oh my God, okay.” “No, we’re not judging, but maybe just share your location with us indefinitely.” I have one friend like that. Every week she tells me the scariest stories I’ve ever heard in my life. “I had the hottest date Friday. I’m making out with this guy at a bar. So sexy. He’s like, ‘Let me show you something.’ Pulls me into the back alley. Pulls out his huge… gun. Points it at my face. ‘Gimme your phone, keys, and wallet.’ Okay, kinky. I’ll try anything once.’ Right? He hits me in the head. I wake up 30 minutes later in a puddle. I hitchhike home. Oh my God, I am such a Samantha.” [audience laughs] We’re like, “We think you got mugged, babe.” She’s like, “Mugged? You’re such a prude. He’s gonna call me. He has my phone. You’ll meet him. He took my breath away.” We’re like, “No, he knocked the wind out of you.” Your friends say the dumbest shit when you go through a breakup. Trying to be helpful. Like, “Well, why don’t you just date yourself?” “‘Cause you told me not to settle. What the fuck?” “I can do better than me!” “Why can’t you just be single for a year?” “Why can’t you walk without headphones?” “‘Cause you’ll think about death the whole time. Exactly.” [audience laughs] This last breakup was different. This was the first breakup I’d gone through since I got on Netflix. And before I was on Netflix, my friends were very supportive. Like, “We’re so sorry. It’ll get better.” Then I got on Netflix and went through a breakup, and all my friends were like, “Well…” [audience chuckling] “I mean, you have your dream job, so…” My friends looked me in my sad face and went, “You can’t have it all, bitch.” All of them! And I was so offended. I thought about it, and I was like, “Know what?” “I don’t want anybody to have it all.” None of us do. It’s why they keep putting out Marilyn Monroe documentaries. They’re like, “She was pretty sad.” And we’re like, “Yeah, she fucking was.” Nobody wants anybody to have it all. If someone has their soulmate, you don’t want them to have their dream job too. If someone has their dream job, they don’t get to be in love on top. If someone has their dream job and their soulmate, bare minimum, their parents better be divorced. I’d prefer they were an orphan. [audience laughs] Nobody wants anybody to have it all. When I was a kid, I didn’t think you could. I thought you either got to be hot or have a good personality. I thought that’s how we’re divided. I thought life was fair. That got me through a lot of ugly years as a child. “It’s okay that I’m not more symmetrical.” “I have this great personality that will surely reveal itself any day now.” “It’s coming with my period and my Hogwarts letter. I can feel it.” That got me to sixth grade, when I met my friend Krista, and she was pretty, funny, smart, and nice. And that’s when I stopped believing in God. [audience laughs] But so many friends said a version of this to me after my last breakup that I started to feel really guilty. Because you know what, DC? This is my dream job. I can’t believe I’m filming my third Netflix special tonight. I cannot believe it. [audience cheering] I have been so insanely lucky in my career. And the more I thought about that, I was like, “Nobody has every single thing going for them as a person. You have been so blessed. Be grateful for what you have. Focus on that. Nobody gets to have it all.” And then I saw Hugh Jackman in person. [audience laughs] I was like, “I guess you can have it all. But there’s none left because ‘God’ gave it all to Hugh.” Hugh Jackman is a perfect specimen of a human man. Seeing him in person was a religious experience. It changed me. It was like seeing the Grand Canyon. Everyone should do it before they die. He is a wonder of the world, that man. It was like seeing Niagara Falls. You can bring the whole family. You get a little wet, but it’s fun. It was… [laughter, applause] Here’s what happened. About a year and a half ago, we were in New York, doing shows on tour. We had an off night in between theater shows. So me, my buddy Dustin, and his wife, Melissa, and a few friends, who were also happy, went to go see The Music Man on Broadway, starring Hugh Jackman. Was it a good show? I don’t know. But Hugh Jackman was there the whole time. They should’ve called the show, “We got Hugh Jackman in a room. Who wants to see him?” The show was great. At the end, they’re doing curtain calls. The actors are taking their bows. One of the actors steps forward and goes, “You’ve come on a special week, Tonight we’re raising money for an amazing charity called Broadway Cares. Tonight Hugh is gonna sign the pair of gloves he wore in the show. We’re gonna auction them to the highest bidder.” And I looked at my friends, and I was like, “I mean… I have money.” They were like, “This is what you’re gonna spend the Netflix money on?” And I was like, “Well, I don’t have a family.” [audience laughs] “There’s no one else here, and I’ve already had braces. If I can’t have it all, I’m gonna have those gloves.” Also, I thought it’d be hilarious as a bit. Because everybody asks you when you get on television, “What’d you spend that money on? A new jacket? A new car?” And I’m like, “How funny would it be if my first big TV purchase was a pair of sweaty gloves worn by Wolverine,” right? [chuckles] It’s like, what am I, a man? So dumb. I start competing in the auction, and I’m doing pretty well. ‘Cause I got nothing to lose and no one to live for. I’m doing so well, it gets down to me and two other bidders. It gets down to me, an older woman towards the front, and I kid you not, Jake from State Farm. That is 100% true, that detail, and I hesitate to include it because it makes the story sound like a dream I had once. “So in the dream, I’m trying to get Hugh’s gloves. Jake from State Farm thinks he’s gonna get ’em. Fat chance, commercial boy. Those are mine.” “Then Flo from Progressive rides in on a horse for some reason.” “Whoops, who’s that?” “Tony the Tiger pops a wheelie on his motorbike.” “All-cash offer.” “You can’t beat Tony. That’s old money.” So it is now me, this woman, and Jake. I think what happened next was Jake could tell that me and this woman needed the win more than he did. So like a good neighbor, State Farm backs out. Yep. It is now me and this woman. We are ping-ponging, back and forth. I think I blacked out because when I came to, we were at a number that I’ve not agreed to pay since college. So exactly like college, I’m like, “This is crazy. I’m not gonna finish.” [audience laughing] As they’re about to say, “Once, twice, sold to the woman in front,” Hugh Jackman steps forward, stops the auctioneer, and goes, “Before we end the auction, I just have to say, I am so moved by the generosity of tonight’s audience. You know, I have two gloves. If I were to sign both of them, would these two ladies match each other’s bid?” And he looked right at me. Now, I’ve never paid for sex… [audience laughing] …but I did drop seven grand on eye contact with Hugh Jackman. [audience laughing, clapping] [cheering subsides] Thank you for clapping. That joke was expensive. [audience laughs] They’re like, “It’s a tax write-off.” I’m like, “Don’t worry. I will make sure that it is.” I wish I could tell you I was like, “It’s for charity.” But the truth is, I completely forgot till the end. Even then, I was barely listening. I was busy talking to the glove. Like, “Hugh’s fingers were inside you. What was that like?” “He’s surprisingly gentle.” “I knew it.” I love that story ’cause I can always tell who grew up in church based on who starts laughing at “You know, I have two.” You’re like, “Oh, I read the Bible. I know when they’re about to cut a baby in half.” I don’t think the dating app thing is for me, by the way. Don’t think I can do it. Is anyone in here on dating apps? [light applause, whooping] Okay, has anyone in here never been on a dating app? [louder whooping] I don’t care for that. Wish I hadn’t asked. The smugness of those whoos. I hated every second of that. If you’ve never been, let me tell you what it’s like. Every dating app profile, you get six photos of what look like six different human beings. Then you go and sit in a coffee shop and wait for him. Like, “Come on, picture number three. Come on, picture number three.” And then he gets there, and you’re like, “Goddammit, it’s four.” But you can’t just leave. You gotta sit there for 45 minutes, nodding and smiling, knowing you’re gonna ghost him later. You feel creepy. You feel like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense. Just like, “Oh, he doesn’t know he’s dead yet.” [audience laughing] Dating is so awkward, especially dating apps. A dating app date is not a blind date, but it is a nearsighted one, you know? The first date’s easy. You get dinner, drinks. That’s basic. But then they’re like, “This was fun. We should hang again. What should we do?” You’re like, “Well, shit. I’m not a person with hobbies or interests. I’m basically just a stack of frightened possums in a trench coat, doing an impression of someone I saw on the street eight years ago. So then you gotta go home and get online like a loser. Date Ideas, 2023.” We could bowl. Ever drive past a bowling alley? “How do these stay open?” Second dates, that’s how. We could bowl or mini golf. Is laser tag a real thing? You’re just doing shit church youth groups do when they’re trying not to touch each other. Just, “Lace up those bowling shoes, my man. You’re either gonna commit to me or Christ tonight. Can’t finger these holes. You can finger those. Pick your ball. Pick your ball.” I’m an introvert, and I think that’s why dating’s harder. Extroverts are better. You like getting to know people. You’re into it for some reason. That’s why you’re better at casual sex. When you think about it, a one-night stand is meeting someone as hard as you possibly can. I’ve never been able to have casual sex as an introvert. I can’t relate to my male comic friends in green rooms when they’re talking shop about road sex. “Yeah, I had sex with this girl and then lost interest after I came.” I’m like, “Totally. That’s how I feel after I poop in a Barnes & Noble.” Right? ‘Cause it’s like, “I got what I came for. We can go.” Those are my most fun friends to talk to. My friends who have casual sex regularly, I always want to hear their updates. I have a friend on Tinder. I call her every Monday. “How was your weekend?” She goes, “Great. Remember that guy I told you about? He is so good at dirty talk, Taylor.” I’m like, “What’s good dirty talk, in your opinion?” She goes, “I really like being called a slut and a whore.” I’m like, “Oh my God.” “If you like being called a slut and a whore in bed, your parents loved you so much.” Dirty talk is hot because it’s shit you’ve never heard before. Ooh! If someone called me a whore in bed, I’d be like, “Excuse me? That’s what my father calls me. That is a family name. Boundaries, sir. Look around. Is this sex or Thanksgiving?” Read the room. I wanna hear shit in bed I’ve never heard. I wanna hear like, “Hey. I set up a college fund for you.” [audience laughing] “I think your arms look too thin. I really enjoyed your Netflix special.” I have some daddy issues. I’m working on ’em. In therapy. Not in my relationships, not anymore. I used to put my dad and ex-boyfriends in the same group text and write in all-caps, “I don’t feel pretty today. Whose fault do we think that is?” [audience member] Yeah! “Discuss.” [audience laughs] That worked better than it usually does. I’m worried about you guys. [audience laughs] That one’s usually for me. Are we all right? I really like you guys. You guys are great. [audience laughing, cheering] Another friend is such an extrovert, she’s gonna have a threesome with a guy she’s dating. I was like, “Really?” She goes, “Yeah. Would you?” I was like, “God, no.” I don’t even want to hang out with two other people. I’ve never been in the middle seat on a flight, fighting for an armrest, like, “Wish we were all naked. That would be cool.” [audience laughing] I don’t think I could date an extrovert again. I dated an extrovert once. We moved in together. The first week, he’s like, “Hey, what if we had some people over?” I was like, “Look, if you don’t wanna be with me, just say so. You want to have people over? Over what? My dead body?” If you’re an extrovert in love with an introvert, you gotta understand, asking us to invite people over is like asking us to do anal. Watch our face change. Like, “I’m sorry. Is it your birthday?” Seems like a big ask for a random Tuesday. I live alone now. It’s incredible. I fall asleep in the middle of the bed like a boy king. “Good night, Joffrey.” It’s fantastic. I eat all the food I buy. Every grocery goes in me or it goes bad. That’s power, DC. Yeah. If I clog the toilet at home, I don’t have to deal with it right away. That’s freedom, DC. When I lived with a man I was attracted to, I was like, “Please, toilet. Don’t tell him I’m a human woman. I beg of you, take my dark secrets to your watery grave. Remember our bargain!” Now I’m like, “You loser toilet, that’s what lids are for! You wanna see the sky? Do your job.” [audience laughing] I was so afraid of being single all throughout my twenties. I was terrified of being single. I used to jump from relationship to relationship. ‘Cause I was so scared that I was gonna die alone. Now that I’m older, I’m like, “I’m not gonna die alone.” I don’t go hiking by myself, all right? Someone will be there when I die. A doctor, a murderer, someone will bear witness. I’ve been single for the last year now, and it has been the most relaxing year of my entire life. [audience cheers] It has been lovely. Waking up every day going, “Oh, no one’s gonna make me cry today but me.” The peace, it’s lovely. Here’s the thing. Being single is not what sucks. Dating is what sucks, and you can opt out of that. Dating is what’s shitty. The constant push and pull of hope and disappointment. Dating feels like being a stuffed animal in a claw machine. Like, “Oh my God! It’s happening! No, it’s not. Oh my God, here we go. Can’t believe I told people! That’s embarrassing.” [Tomlinson tutting] “You’re moving me over to get to something else. I understand. I get that.” Things change so quickly as you’re getting older. I had a friend. I didn’t talk to her for a couple weeks. I called to catch up. She goes, “You’ll never guess. I think I met my soulmate on Bumble.” Gone, just like that. They’re getting married this spring. We were lying in the same pile of stuffed animals for years. I closed my eyes, and when I open ’em, she was outside the glass going, “It’ll happen for you too!” [audience laughing] [Tomlinson exhales] I love being the neutral friend who’s not dating because as you get closer to 30, breakups get more and more devastating. Half my friends are engaged, half are going through the worst breakup with the person they were gonna die with. Which means half the calls I get are, “I’m getting married,” and the other half are, “I’m getting old!” And I’m like, “I am getting Taco Bell. Who wants something?” Taco Bell, good for every occasion. Nothing’ll make you more grateful to be single than watching your friend go through a devastating breakup. That’s messed up to say, but it’s the truth. I have a friend who went through a breakup still follows her ex on social media. They’re trying to be mature and evolved. Rookie mistake. Her ex just posted a photo of him and his new girlfriend, who is a model. [audience winces] Don’t worry. We all called her. We’re like, “Hey, how’s it going? Have you been online today? Because we were thinking of maybe doing a no-screens day. We were thinking maybe we just power down, get a quilt, find a field. Maybe crack the Bible open one more time. I don’t know.” She’s like, “I already saw it.” We’re like, “Oh, we’re too late. Okay. Um, are you okay?” She’s like, “No, honestly, I wish he was just dating a man instead.” We’re like, “Oh, you are so problematic, Trish. Why would that be better for you if he was dating a man instead?” She goes, “No, listen. ‘Cause if he dumped me for a man, it would be like, ‘Well, okay, then he just wanted something that I could never be.'” We were like, “Well, yeah. I mean, that’s kinda… well… Right?” “No, no, no! No! No. No. No, you’re so pretty, babe.” “But like a model? That’s kind of like a different…” “Look around. Don’t you think if you were a model, we’d all be models? Like, this isn’t model squad. This is personality squad. Like, this is a different… team you’re on.” We have another friend who got cheated on, which is crazy. You can’t cheat anymore. It’s not the ’90s, you idiot! Your phone is tracking your every movement. You’re going to get caught. You’re gonna buy your side chick flowers. Your wife’s gonna get a text from Bank of America. Like, “We noticed that Steve was being thoughtful?” [audience laughs] “That just seemed like suspicious activity… over here at BoA, ’cause we know that POS.” [audience laughs] It’s important to hang out with married friends if you are the single one. You play an important role in their lives. I love to third-wheel my married friends, go to dinner, see a movie. ‘Cause I love when they walk up to meet me in front of the restaurant and I can tell that they’ve been fighting in the car. [audience laughs] Married people think you hide it so well. You’re just like, “Let’s just table it till later and have a nice evening.” Then you come in real sweaty. [in stilted tone] “Hey. Good to see you. Glad we’re finally doing this. Did they bring bread? The bread should’ve beat us here.” “Hey, can we get some bread, please? Can we get something to do with our hands other than attack each other, please? How are you? Tell us about you. Don’t make me look at her. Don’t make me look at her.” That’s when you, as a single friend, tell your married friends about dating. You get to tell them about the ghosting, the catfishing, and the deepfake AI porn. And you know, they get back in the car a few hours later like… [shaky, relieved sigh] “I don’t say this enough, but I’m grateful for you.” [audience laughing] Hang out with your married friends, go to their barbeque. “I’d love to come. What can I bring? Ice? Dessert? Perspective?” Want to know the best part about being single? The best part, hands down, is that you do not have to introduce anybody to your parents. Have you guys introduced people to your parents? It’s not about introducing people you love to one another. Is it? No! It’s about showing your partner why you’re mean to them sometimes. [audience laughing] It’s about taking your sexual partner back to the scene of the crime. To say, “See? The stories are true.” You don’t want your partner to like your parents. You want them to walk out of that night going, “Oh my God. Your parents are just…” “I know. I know.” “Seriously, babe. How did you ever…?” “I don’t know. I don’t know. Kinda seems like people should cut me some slack when I’m being a bitch, though, huh?” [audience laughing, whooping] “Kinda seems like maybe now that we have all the information, turns out I could be a lot crazier if I wanted. But I keep a lid on it pretty good, and… I deserve to stop at Target on the way home. With no time limit. And I want a cart. Not a basket.” Be careful when you introduce people to your parents. Your parents don’t always show up as your parents, do they? Mine never did. My parents undermined me every time I brought someone to meet them. I did everything right. I did the huddle in the car before. “Hey, remember, those people in there, they’re not your friends. Whatever they say, do not take that personally. It’s not you. It’s them. You want to write that on your hand? You can look at my tattoo if you get scared. Let’s do it.” Then you go inside, prepared for your parents to show their true colors, and your parents float downstairs. And they’re just amazing all night. They’re fun, cool, laid-back. Your dad’s in an open Hawaiian shirt. Just a one-man conga line, topping off drinks. Saying all kinds of progressive shit you’ve never heard him say. “You want another beer? We should golf sometime. What are your pronouns again?” [mouthing] What the fuck? And you gotta get back in the car later, muttering like a conspiracy theorist. “That was not… and I was there, and I know what happened, and it was right there. No one can tell me what didn’t happen, and I know about everything.” [Tomlinson muttering] Your boyfriend buckles up, like, “I don’t know, babe. Your parents are awesome.” And you’re like, “Ugh. No, they are not. I don’t know who those lizard people were, but they are not the ones who broke me.” The next time you see your parents, they’re all smug, like, “Jason seemed to like us.” You’re like, “I know what you’re doing.” “Maybe your therapist wants to meet us. Get our side of the story.” “I cannot wait till you’re in the ground.” “All right, well, we’d like to be cremated.” “I will scatter your ashes where God can’t find them!” [audience laughing] “I will see you both at Easter.” Therapy gets better when you’re single too ’cause you have time to dig into things like that. When you’re in a relationship, you waste half of every session going over all the shit your partner won’t go to therapy for. When you’re single, that’s an hour of you every week. It’s almost too much time. You gotta start doing your homework. After my last breakup, I was coming into therapy hot every week with ideas. “You know what I realized this week? The elementary school I went to? Across the street from a cemetery.” And she’s like, “Okay. And…?” I’m like, “I don’t know, but that seems like something, doesn’t it? I bring the ingredients. You bake the cake. I’m not a doctor. I went down deep inside me, found something scary, brought it back up to you. I was so brave. Where’s my treat?” [audience laughing] “So brave, favorite client!” I want to find out if I’m my therapist’s favorite client. You can’t ask. They won’t tell. I’ve tried. The only way I can think to figure this out is to get in touch with another one of her clients. And then me and that client plan to call her, over the weekend. Separately. At the exact same time… suicidal. [audience laughs, winces] And then we just see whose call she takes. We both wanna end it. Who you want to keep here, Dr. S? And then whoever wins, we go to the next set of clients. And we just kind of do brackets. Sort of like a March Sadness situation. [audience laughing] I’ve been working on anxiety in therapy. That’s been my focus for years. Anybody have anxiety? [audience cheers] Anybody struggle with panic attacks? [audience cheers] Has anyone ever gone to the emergency room for anxiety or panic attacks? A few of us! What did we think was happening? Heart attack? Yeah. You get there, and they’re like, “It’s actually your mind attacking you.” I’ll make you feel better. I went to the ER once because I fell asleep in AirPods. Woke up, couldn’t find one. Thought I swallowed it. [audience laughing] “You meant you drove halfway there and turned around ’cause it was silly?” Nope. Went the whole way. Got seen. I wish I could pretend this story happened a really long time ago, but the technology involved makes that impossible. I’ve always had a lot of trouble sleeping my entire life. And before AirPods came out, I would fall asleep in regular headphones, listening to a podcast or a movie, something to calm me down. Before AirPods came out, headphones had cords on them. So if you swallowed one, you’d pull it out like a magician scarf. They came out with AirPods. I started falling asleep in those. So a few years ago, doesn’t matter how many, I fell asleep in two AirPods, woke up in one AirPod, and was like, “Well, obviously, I swallowed it.” Like a baby or a dog. Convinced my sister to take me to the emergency room, ruining Christmas morning for everyone. [audience laughing] We get to the emergency room in our hometown, where I have to tell three grown women at the front desk what I’m doing there. I’m like, “You probably get this all the time.” “But it would seem that I may have inadvertently in my sleepy-sleeps swallowed an AirPod?” And they were like… [stifling laughter] “An AirPod? Sweetie, those are pretty big.” “Those are big.” “You think you could have swallowed…” I said, “How about we don’t have a team discussion about what I can and can’t swallow, okay?” [audience laughing] They’re like, “Someone was ugly in middle school. We’ll take you back.” So, they take me back. We’re waiting for a doctor. I don’t know what I thought a doctor was gonna do if I had, in fact, swallowed an AirPod. They’re not gonna perform surgery. They’re gonna go, “Yeah, it’s in there.” “Well, stop at Taco Bell on the way home. Good luck.” Taco Bell, good for every occasion. I don’t know what I thought the AirPod was gonna do to me damage-wise. I’m like, what if it’s still charged? What if it electrocutes my intestines? Or starts playing Glee covers and everyone can hear? My sister’s like, “You deleted them all.” “Not all of them. Some of them are bangers!” Before a doctor can come in to see us, my other sister calls us from home and goes, “Hey, yeah. We found it in the pillowcase.” “Does crazy want to come home and have pancakes now?” I’m so embarrassed. I want to sneak out the back as quickly as possible. I’m like, “Let’s just go.” My sister’s like, “They’re gonna think something bad happened.” I was like, “Something bad did. Let’s go!” She’s like, “That’s an emergency exit.” I’m like, “It’s an emergency room. It’s a regular exit. Let’s leave!” Here’s my problem with the emergency room. When you are having an anxiety or panic attack, it is your only option. Which is why I think they need a second option next door called “the Anxiety Room.” All right? So you have the ER and the AR. The ER is where you go when you’ve been shot, stabbed. You’re actively bleeding. You fill out all that paperwork ’cause that seems like the time to do it. And then the AR is where you go when you’re like, “I don’t know where the bad is, but it’s in me somewhere.” “It’s either cancer or the devil, but I have to get it out.” And that is just one fill-in-the-blank form that says, “I know that it is probably fine, but…” [audience laughing] “My bones feel itchy. I don’t know!” “I just need someone in a white coat to tell me I’m stupid.” I know I mentioned during that joke I have trouble sleeping. Please, for the love of God, do not DM me articles after this show. I know you mean well, but I promise you I’ve read every sleep article out there. “Three ways how to sleep better!” It is the same recycled tips over and over and over. “Get a light lavender mist to spray on the cold side of your pillow at twilight.” What am I, a witch? “Make sure it’s really dark and quiet in your room at night.” “Oh my God, it’s supposed to be dark? I’m such a dumb bitch.” “I’ve been sleeping under a disco ball. Because vibes.” “I didn’t know!” “Okay. Dark, quiet, check. Fixed!” “Why not leave your cell phone in a different room at night?” “Why don’t you put your baby outside?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] This is not to say that I’m against sleep advice. I’m just jaded. I think I feel about sleep tips the way a lot of men feel about porn. Where I’m like, “No, I’ve seen all the basic stuff.” “Send me something weird.” I’m gonna ask this question. Let me preface this. It’s okay if nobody has an answer. I ask every audience every night. It’s nothing weird. If you think that you have a weird sleep tip I’ve never heard of… I’ve read every article, listened to every podcast, seen a lot of TikToks. I ask this question to every audience, every night of this tour. If you think you have a weird sleep tip that I have never ever heard of, raise your hand and tell me what that is. That being said, if anybody goes, “Have you tried the Calm meditation app?” I will have you removed. [audience laughing] It’s okay if no one has one. Does anyone have one? We got a confident one right here. What have you got? [audience member 1] Masturbate. Masturbate? Bitch, please. You think I haven’t tried masturbating? I don’t go to sleep. I come to sleep. Next. [audience laughing, cheering] All right. What else we got? Thanks for playing. What have you got? [no audible reply] There’s two things? And I do them in order? Okay. [audience member 2] You have to do a handstand. I have to do a handstand against the wall? Okay. Yoga, no. This sounds like I need to be hotter for this. I can’t. Well, all right. I just want to hear the end. So you do a handstand against the wall. Just a couple seconds. Just for a couple seconds. Just easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl. This is how hot people talk. They’re like, “Just do a handstand for 10 seconds. It’s no big deal.” You’re like, “Some of us are top-heavy.” All right, anyway. Sorry, go ahead. You need to be upside down. And then you sleep upside down. I haven’t heard the handstand part, but I have heard sleep upside down. ‘Cause it changes the bed, yeah. It confuses your body. Yeah, confuse yourself to sleep. Okay. That’s one. I’ve half-heard that one. Okay, so we’ll half give it to you. Anybody else think they have a weird one? Really weird. It’s okay if nobody does. I’m just curious. Who said “Whoo”? [audience member 3] Whoo! All right, what do you got? Listen to him talk. Listen to who? This guy. Listen to the guy you’re with talk? Are you trying to get left? Or are you trying to offload your partner right now? You’re like, “This one’s available.” “He just talks and talks. You fall asleep eventually.” “This dude right here.” Wow, okay. That was fun. We all stepped in a divorce. Wasn’t that a good time? That’s the first time that’s happened when I ask that. Every night, never one of those. “Take this boring piece of shit home.” [audience laughing] All right. Last one. What you got? [audience member 4] Listen to someone’s random phone calls in the other room. I listen to my mom have a conversation with my grandma… You eavesdrop on somebody’s… phone conversation from the other room? You listen to your mom talk to your grandma? Did you miss the whole part where I said I am alone? [audience laughs] At least the last girl offered me someone. “Have you tried falling asleep to the sound of people who love you in the other room?” I would that I could! Okay, well, those hurt my feelings. I’m gonna tell you the best one I’ve heard on this tour. It was a few months ago. A woman in the front row. “I have a weird sleep tip.” I said, “What you got?” She goes, “When I can’t sleep, I lay on the floor in the kitchen for 10 minutes.” And I was like, “Okay. And then what happens?” She goes, “Then I get back in bed. I go to sleep.” This poor girl abusive-parents herself. She’s like, “Aw, you can’t sleep?” “You know some kids don’t have beds, right?” “Go lay face down on the cold tile for 10 minutes.” “See if you’re not more grateful after that.” And you know what? I tried it, and it works. It totally works. [audience laughing] I do it on the bathroom floor in hotel rooms. I’ve had COVID many times, but… I want to get a handle on my anxiety. ‘Cause if I didn’t have anxiety, I’d be totally different. The worrying alone takes up so much mental and emotional energy every day. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t prepare you for anything bad happening. I told my therapist recently, “I know worrying doesn’t do any good.” “What’s that quote by that philosopher? ‘When you worry, you just suffer twice.'” She goes, “Who said it?” I looked it up. It’s from a fucking Harry Potter prequel. [audience laughing] I was so confident, I Googled it in front of her. She’s like, “What philosopher said that?” I’m like, “Newt Scamander. Shit.” “Think it was a fortune cookie. Can we move on?” “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Without anxiety, I’d have a totally different personality because so many decisions I make in life are fear-based, or so many decisions I don’t make are fear-based. I watch the same shows and movies over and over because it calms me down. I know what to expect. I date the same type of person over and over ’cause I know what to expect. If you think you have a “type,” you don’t. You have anxiety. See someone. I have three younger siblings. They’re all Gen Z, they’re all queer, they’re all in serious relationships, and they’re all so disappointed in me every time I start dating another straight white guy. They’re like, “Come on, Taylor. Fuck the patriarchy.” I’m like, “You guys, I’m literally fucking the patriarchy.” Do you know how hard it is to continue dating straight men when you’re surrounded by three queer relationships up close? Queer relationships are the most beautiful, thoughtful, creative things I’ve ever seen in my life. My sister and her partner are in a romance novel. Every time I talk to them, I’m like, “I know you had a hard week. You okay?” She’s like, “Yeah. I did.” “To cheer me up, my partner got me my favorite snack in a limited edition flavor, they got me sand from the beach we went to on our first date, and you know how I always wanted an Easy-Bake Oven and never got it?” “They found one on eBay.” [audience laughs] I’m like, “Oh my God, are they cheating on you?” She’s like, “What? No! They listen to me and remember things I say.” I’m like, “What? No, go through their phone.” “This shit stinks. Go through their phone. Trust me.” She’s like, “Okay. How are you and your boyfriend doing, Taylor?” I’m like, “Oh, we’re good.” “My boyfriend bought me a hot dog because he wanted one and I was there too.” “It was so romantic.” “He was like, ‘What? Sorry. Two, I guess.'” I don’t mean to shit on straight guys. I’ve dated a lot of you. But you are so proud of yourselves for almost nothing in a relationship. It is impressive to watch. A straight man will put a candle in his bathroom and be like, “I’ve changed my whole life for you!” Then you’re like, “You didn’t even light it, man.” “It kind of smells like lavender if you get down real close.” “I’d trade this candle for a slice of empathy, if I’m being honest.” Have you tried to explain the concept of empathy to a tall, handsome white guy? That is a delicate conversation. You’re like, “Okay. Imagine that you’re me.” “But I’m not.” Okay. “Hard to argue. Touché.” “Imagine that you feel how I feel.” “But I don’t.” “Okay.” “Imagine that you could feel how I feel.” “I never will.” “Okay. Imagine you’re a basketball player.” “Okay.” [audience laughs] “What else? I like this game.” “Fine, in this analogy, you’re a basketball player.” “And you’re a really great teammate.” “You love your team. You do everything for your team.” “Your team is not noticing.” “Your team is not appreciating you for all you do, for the MVP that you are.” “And this week, your team forgot your birthday.” “Now, how does that make you feel?” “That sucks!” “Yes!” Trying to get a hot guy to empathize is like trying to get a woman to come. “Nobody move!” “We’re so close. It’s a car alarm.” “Stay focused, please.” “Worked so hard.” I’ve been trying to figure out if I’m bisexual or if I just binged Euphoria too fast. [audience laughing] I’ve been trying to date women, but I dunno how to get women to like me. I know how to get men to like me. Easy. You trick ’em. Just wait until they kind of like you, and then you’re like, “You don’t like me.” They’re like, “Yeah, I do.” “You don’t.” “Yeah, I do.” You’re like, “No, you don’t.” “I do!” You do that until they get you pregnant, I think. You just turn it into a fun challenge for ’em. “Bet you can’t spend your life with me.” They’re like, “Fucking watch me, you bitch!” Like when you ask a kid to take out the trash, and they’re like, “No!” And you’re like, “I’ll time you.” And he’s like… [gasps] “See? You didn’t even think you wanted to do that.” He’s like, “Who cares? I’m the fastest boy alive.” Hitting on women is so much harder. It feels so much more delicate. Hitting on a woman feels like trying to skip a stone on a lake. Hitting on a man feels like throwing a brick through a window. Like, “I don’t really care. I just want to see what happens.” “I’m not gonna live here.” I might be sexist. I’m hearing it now as I’m talking. I think I’m sexist because when a man rejects me, I’m like, “This idiot!” But when a woman rejects me, I’m like, “She knows what she’s talking about. Um…” I was talking to a friend of mine about it because you don’t wanna just… It’s scary to just say you’re bisexual ’cause then someone’s always like, “Prove it. Here’s a pic of Margot Robbie. Are you wet? Lemme feel.” Everyone’s really… Everyone’s aggressive about it. It’s weird. You’ve got to prove it to people. Uh, but I was asking my friend about it, and she goes, “Obviously, sexuality is a spectrum.” She watched Euphoria too. She goes, “I know that I’m straight. I could not go down on another girl.” “I think that’s gross.” I was like, “Okay. Let’s think about this.” “Why are you not going down on a girl now? Is it gross to you?” And I was like, “No, it’s not that it’s gross to me.” “It’s that I really don’t want to be bad at something as an adult.” My brother is trans, my sisters are gay, and I identify as afraid. I am so afraid of failure. I can’t even stick with new hobbies as an adult. How am I supposed to get good at… Getting good at going down on women would be like learning piano. I would love to have that skill. Bust that shit out at parties, impress everyone. But I don’t have the time or humility to sit down and learn new fingerings. I don’t have it. [laughter, applause] I get halfway through “Jingle Bells.” I’m like, “I suck.” “I should’ve started at 12. I’ll never catch up.” I already know how to play clarinet. It is not my passion, but I have the respect of my peers. I have many years of experience under my belt. Under someone’s belt, under some belts. When I was a kid, I didn’t know there was another option. They were like, “You’re a girl, play clarinet.” I was like, “What about piano? Could I play piano?” They’re like, “Sure, you can play piano if you want to go to fucking hell!” Anybody, religious trauma? [whooping] Do we have any of that in here? Okay. I’m sorry if you don’t have any. I know I’m a broken record. I should shut up about it, but I keep realizing new things. For example, did you know when you come, you’re not supposed to yell, “Take that, Jesus!” Did you know that? [laughter] I wish that was a joke, DC. I really do. Even if you didn’t grow up religious, a lot of people grew up sheltered. Round of applause, how many people did not get a sex talk? [audience clapping] Round of applause. Yeah, see? Now, round of applause, who did get a sex talk growing up? Who did get one? [audience cheering] You did. Do you mind me asking how old you were? Is it okay I’m talking to you? I want to make sure. If I talk to you and you’re not into it, that’s completely fine. I wouldn’t talk to a live entertainer. Do you consent to crowd work? I need a verbal yes. Not just a thumbs up. Yes? See? Not that hard. That’s how it’s done. All right. All right. How old were you when you got the sex talk? [audience member] Nine. Nine? Okay. That seems a little early but also kind of okay. I don’t know how tall you were at nine. Right? Were you asking questions, or were your parents like, “It’s time”? My mom took me for a picnic in the garden. Your mom took you for a picnic in the garden? Fuck you so hard. Are you serious? Your mom took you to a picnic in the garden to tell you the horrors of sex. I’m sorry. I’m having an emotional reaction to that. That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. This Secret Garden sex talk. Holy shit, okay. Wow, what’s that like, Lorelai Gilmore? Fuck me. So you weren’t asking questions or anything? Your mom was like, “It’s time…” Oh, you were asking questions? See, a lot of people ask questions. And I didn’t realize all these kids were so smart. I didn’t know we were supposed to be. I never asked any questions. Which is so stupid, now that I think about it. ‘Cause when I was a kid, before I got my period, I had three holes. I still do. I don’t know why I said it like that. I still do. For the record. Just for anybody watching… I’ve always have had, always will have. I think. When you get your tubes tied, do they seal it off? I’m gonna Google it. Forget this. This was a tangent. I’ll deal with this on my own. But before I got my period, I had three holes, and one of the holes wasn’t doing anything, right? And I never thought to ask anyone around me, “Hey, what’s this unemployed hole doing between my other two holes that are working pretty hard?” I just walked around all day like, “I don’t know. That’s my big one!” “God knows what he’s doing.” “That’s where my faith goes.” After I saw Music Man, I started calling it my glove compartment, but… that is another story. [laughter, applause] This was my sex talk. So when I was ten, I read what sex was in a book. Not planning on it. Just like, “Oh my God!” Tried to forget. Just assaulted by Judy Blume, quite frankly. Then two years later, my dad was driving me home, and out of nowhere, he goes, “Do you know what sex is?” I was like, “Yeah, I read it in a book. Let’s never speak again.” And he’s like, “All right, I need you to tell me what it is so I know you know.” My dad made me give him the sex talk! I was like, “Do you know what it is?” He’s like, “Tell me what you know. Then I’ll tell you what I know.” “And we’ll get to the bottom of this together.” I used to ask my parents for relationship advice every time I went through a breakup. Don’t. Unless you want to learn about your parents. I had a terrible breakup in my early twenties. I was home. My stepmom was trying to comfort me. She goes, “You know, there was a guy in my twenties I wanted to marry.” “When it didn’t work out, I was devastated.” I said, “I didn’t know this.” And my dad goes, “I did! She talks about him all the time.” And I was like, “Who was this guy? What was his deal?” She goes, “He was really cool, actually. He was an Alzheimer’s scientist.” And my dad goes, “Notice how that’s not cured yet.” [laughter] She’s like, “Wow, honey. I hope we never get Alzheimer’s.” He’s like, “I hope we do! So we can all forget about this guy.” I used to be way too loose with who I asked relationship advice from. People in the audience, total strangers. I asked a couple in the front row once. Two couples therapists who had married each other. I know. You ever see quadruple-stuffed Oreos? And you’re like, “Enough.” Right? That is a hat on a hat. It’s excessive. But I was like, “Two off-duty couples therapists.” “You gotta ask them.” I said, “Any advice for people in relationships who are fighting a lot?” They said, “We do.” “You know how a lot of people have a safe word to stop sex?” “Everyone needs to have a safe word during fights.” I asked a married friend, “Do you have a safe word for fights?” He was like, “What?” I’m like, “A word that stops the fight.” He goes, “We have one.” I said, “What is it?” He goes, “Cunt.” [audience laughing, wincing] “But I have to say it. It doesn’t really work if she says it.” I was like, “Jesus. I was looking for ‘pineapple, ‘ dude, but…” I used to ask for relationship advice after breakups because I thought that was me working on myself, but it really wasn’t. It was me figuring out how to get into another relationship, quickly as possible. So I wouldn’t have to work on myself. The reason people don’t want to be single for long is that once you’re single for a little bit, you start to notice, “Ooh, some of the issues in my relationships are still here.” And it’s just me now. There’s only one set of footprints in the sand. And no one’s carrying my ass. I realized in the last year I have a lot to work on. I realized I’m petty in relationships. I don’t wear perfume when I’m single. Don’t even think about it. I wear perfume in a relationship, though. Because I know if we break up and you smell that smell later, you’ll get sad. And that makes me happy. I don’t wear perfume to smell good. I wear it to haunt you later. I was on a first date with a guy. I realized we both had three younger siblings. I said, “Oh my God. Let’s text our sibling group chats.” “Ask them what our biggest flaw is.” I’m so fun on a first date. I can’t believe I’m alone. He texts his brothers, “Hey, what’s my biggest flaw?” They write back, “Works too hard.” “Cares too much.” One wrote back, “Dyslexic,” which I thought was pretty funny. He couldn’t read it, but I could. [audience laughs] I text my siblings, “Hey, guys. What’s my biggest flaw?” And my brother writes back immediately, “You expect everyone to hurt you, so you leave before they can.” I was like, “Dude, I’m on a date right now.” “Sorry! Works too hard!” “I thought this was a secure line!” I’m a very emotional person, very emotional partner. I’m run by my emotions. Did you know some people feel feelings privately? Have you guys heard about this compartmentalizing bullshit? Some people apparently have these polite little feelings that shuffle up to ’em during the day. Tug on their sleeve like, “Hello, excuse me?” “I need to be felt at some point, whenever you get a chance.” You’re like, “I’m at work now.” “You’re at work? I’m so sorry.” “Have time later?” “I get off at 6:00.” “Okay, like 6:30, do you have time to feel abandoned and worthless?” “Okay, 6:30 in the parking lot. It’s a date.” “I love you so much. You’re doing great at work. Bye.” That’s never happened to me. Every feeling I have demands to be felt immediately. Every feeling I have demands its own parade. Every feeling I have turns into that scene from Aladdin where he’s pretending to be a prince. Just like… ♪ OMG, Taylor’s hungry! ♪ ♪ This could get dicey ♪ ♪ Needs a sandwich now She’s a bitch, take it from me ♪ But I’m glad I’ve had this year to work on this stuff because I needed it. I turned 30 two weeks ago. [cheering] And that means… Thank you. And that means that I have spent the last 14 years of my life trying to get good at this, trying to get good at stand-up. Trying to have the career that I am now fortunate enough to have, thanks to all of you, honestly. Yeah. [cheering, applause] And as grateful as I am, and as lucky as I am, it has really made me, this year especially, go, “Oh no.” I don’t know if I’m gonna be good at this other stuff. I… I mean, I know I’m a good comedian. I don’t know if I’m a good person, a good parent, a good partner. This hour of material that I’m doing right now, that’s like, “Can I have it all? I don’t even know!” This is not a bit, DC. I am genuinely concerned. I know how hard it is to do this job in this business and have a family. I see how hard friends of mine work. I also see how little work people put into it. Lot of people in this business are like, “You can have kids and travel!” “They got FaceTime now.” Which feels like tying your dog outside a shop. “I can see him through the window. He’s okay.” I still have childhood shit I’m working through on my own. I don’t want to put that on a kid, right? Like, I was watching a TED Talk recently… Sorry, I was watching a TikTok recently. I always get those confused. The information’s still good. It’s just vertical. …that said, if you have childhood trauma you’re working through, you need to learn how to parent yourself as a grown-up. So I’ve been trying to do that to heal, trying to parent myself. But I feel like I got pregnant with me in high school. And I was not ready for this responsibility. And now I wake up every morning, totally overwhelmed, trying not to shake me. Like, okay… “If I let you watch TikTok on my phone for 30 minutes, will you please stop crying?!” My friends are like, “You okay?” I’m like, “No, I think I have colic. I kept me up all night.” I love TikTok. You know what’s funny about TikTok? These kids are like lip-syncing, dancing, pretending they’re in a music video. We all did that growing up, didn’t we? Yeah! Alone in your room in the mirror, hairbrush. Of course. But if anyone had walked in on you doing it, you would’ve killed yourself, right? [laughter, applause] And these kids are online like, “I hope millions of people see this.” It’s like, “You could benefit from some bullying, I think.” “Might’ve… overcorrected a bit.” I do have a lot of friends who are getting married and having kids. They’re… Look, they’re condescending as hell. It’s so funny how the same girls who used to wake up drunk on train tracks are like, “I dunno how you stay out past 10:00 p.m. Your lifestyle’s really unhealthy.” I’m like, “I’ve seen you snort coke off a rusty bike rack.” “But you keep sniffing that baby’s head like we all forgot.” But my friends who have kids and are married, they complain about their jobs, and I do the same dismissive thing right back to them where I’m like, “Yeah, but you’re married, so you’re fine.” They’re like, “But I’m miserable 60 hours of the week.” I’m like, “But you have your dream dick, so you’re fine.” And it’s not great, and I think part of it is that we’re all turning 30. And 30 was this age in our heads where, like… “Well, by 30, we’ll have all our shit together, right?” That kept us going through our twenties. “We’re 25, and we’re garbage, but in five years, we’ll have it all figured out.” Then, “I’m 27. I’m just a piece of shit, but I have three years to turn this around.” And then you’re like, “I’m 29. Crunch time, bitch!” And now that we’re all 30, we’re like, “Oh shit, our lives are not going exactly as we always pictured them.” And so now there’s this weird comparing that’s going on, this weird tension. Like, I know that all of my friends both pity and envy me. Just like I know that I both pity and envy them, right? I know my friends look at me and go, “I’d probably focus on work if I was all alone.” And I go, “I’d probably have a bunch of kids if I had no talent.” So we’re all… [laughter, applause] And it’s not healthy, per se. But I do think it’s good to focus on what is going right in your life. I think that that’s gratitude. I think that that’s important. It has gotten me through a lot of weddings and baby showers, to have my dream job, to sit in the back row like, “Whatever, have your bullshit love party.” “Hope it works out.” “I’m gonna have the coolest job of anybody you know.” And that was true until somebody married an astronaut. [audience laughs] And everybody’s so impressed. I guess astronaut beats everything. They’re like, “You’ve gotta admit, that’s the coolest.” And I’m like, “He’s got to wear a costume or he’ll die?” Fuck off. That’s a dumb job. “No. If I can’t breathe somewhere, I don’t go there, Dan.” “That’s just science.” Dan hasn’t even been to space. He just goes to work and “practices space.” That’s his job. They put him in a rollercoaster. “Don’t throw up.” He’s like, “You got it!” What a hero. [laughter] I’m not proud, but I told the girl that married him, “You better hope he never does go to space.” She goes, “Why? It’s dangerous?” I said, “No, ’cause he’s gonna cheat on you up there.” Oh, you don’t think astronauts are cheating? They’re in space for months, floating. How long before one of them looks at each other like, “Hey, you know what we should try?” [laughter] “Houston, we have a problem. Not a big one. It’s medium.” “It’s not small or anything.” What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. What happens on the moon never happened. We faked that landing. That’s a joke. We didn’t. There were no female astronauts back then. [laughter] But if any of the relationships in my twenties had worked out, I would not have my dream job. I would not have the career I’ve always wanted. I’ve had a lot of cool experiences this year as a result of being on my own. I finally got to do some shows in Europe in April, which was a dream come true. And because I was single, instead of taking someone I was dating, I took Courtney. Courtney’s been my best friend since we were 10. Twenty years, she’s seen me through everything. She saw me through depression in high school. She saw my first stand-up show ever. I called off an engagement a few years ago. She kept my wedding dress in her attic like it was Jumanji. I’m like, “Just put this where I can’t hear the drums.” She and I got to run around Europe, paying for shit with my dick joke money. It was awesome. [audience cheering] Yeah. And it was really special to have her on that trip with me. Because exactly a year before that, last, last April, I was alone in a green room in Colorado, pre-show. Post-some breakup. I got a call from Courtney. “I thought you were on vacation with your boyfriend.” She goes, “Yeah, we are, but I just wanted to check in.” “That’s so nice.” And I talked to her about me for like 10, 15 minutes. Finally, I was like, “You’re not saying anything about you and your trip.” “I mean, are you guys okay?” She goes, “Oh my God. Yes. Oh, yeah.” “No, we’re great. We’re great. We’re actually, um…” “We are actually engaged.” I was like, “What? Oh my God! Why did you ask about me at all?” She goes, “I just wanted to make sure you were in a place where you could hear it.” [audience laughing] It was so sweet and so hurtful. I… I have never felt so seen and so insulted in my whole life. Her fiancé was there the whole time. She’s like, “And then what else?” “She sounds stable. She sounds like she can handle it.” That’s how you know your best friend’s met the one, when you can no longer get them on the phone alone. You call them late, crying. Halfway, they’re like, “By the way, you don’t care that Todd’s been here the whole time, right?” You’re like, “No, I actually called to see if Todd thinks I have a yeast infection.” [through gritted teeth] “So glad Todd is available!” Don’t get me wrong. I love my best friend’s fiancé. He’s amazing. If he died, would a little part of me go, “Sleepover”? Of course! But I was touched that she was thinking about me and my mental health during her engagement that I went out on stage, and I said, “Before we start the show, can you guys do me a favor?” “Can we make a video for my best friend?” The crowd’s like, “Yeah!” Got my phone, put it on selfie mode. And I went, “One, two, three! Congratulations, Courtney!” Me and 2,000 people, yelling it for her. I got offstage that night, and I texted her the video. To say, “Hey, I love you. I’m so happy for you.” “And look at all these people who pay to see me!” “I’m doing just fine.” “I have one of Hugh Jackman’s gloves.” Thank you so much, DC. You were absolutely amazing. Thank you, guys. Seriously. [“Boys Wanna Be Her” playing] Thank you so, so much. You guys were fantastic. [audience cheering] Does anyone think they have a weird sleep tip? Super weird. Wow. We got a confident hand right here. What do you got? [faintly] Sleep in a different city! Sleep in a different city? Bitch, do you know what my job is? Sleep in a different city?! Know your audience. What else we got? That was not a strong start. Anybody else… have anything? It’s okay if nobody does. We do right here. [audience member] Get a very firm MaxCoil mattress. Get a very firm mattress. Okay, do we need to hear the instructions again? If you think you have a weird sleep tip that I have never heard of, raise your hand and tell me. If no one has anything, that’s completely fine. We have one hand over here. What have we got, glasses? [audience member in glasses] A cat plus Xanax. Cat and Xanax. If you think… that I don’t have Xanax, this is your first show with me. Okay. Well, if nobody else thinks… Look, it’s fine. Okay, what about here? Right here. Four-seven-eight rhythmic breathing. What is it? Four-seven-eight rhythmic breathing. Rhythmic breathing. Okay, you guys, I’m gonna be honest. Y’all shat the bed on this one. These were some basic answers. Um, and that’s okay. What? Did someone say, “read a book”? I’m gonna fuck you up after the show. Meet me in the parking lot. Read a book? Oh my God. Okay, right here. It’s crazy that people are getting more confident as they hear other people’s terrible answers. They’re like, “I can beat firm mattress, surely.” What have you got, second row? Vicks on your back. What’s on your back? Vicks. Vicks on your back? These are not good, you guys. Thank you for playing. All right. What? Last one. Stretch for five minutes. Stretch for five minutes?! I’m never coming back to this city again. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/andrew-santino-home-field-advantage-transcript/ | Andrew Santino: Home Field Advantage (2017) | Transcript | andrew santino | Hey, it’s Andrew Santino, and here I am in my hometown, Chicago, Illinois, where I’m shooting my stand-up comedy special, but before I do, I want to take you around my city, and I want to show you the gems that people don’t talk about, locals-only type of stuff. Hey, excuse me. Can I get a ride? No. Okay. Fair enough. Chicago. Well, I have a meeting, and I don’t know you. It’s fine. I get that. Why should I even… You know, that’s an odd question to ask. You’re right. Now that I think about it… In the city here, with all the crime and everything, – just hop in and get a ride? You’re right. Best city in the world, baby… Chicago. Boom, a local spot… Willis Tower, on the corner, of course, of Jackson and Wacker. Now, Jackson and Wacker is famous ’cause of Andrew Jackson and because people used to get whacked. Right below me, the Chicago Pond, a beautiful piece of water. People swim in here. Olympics train in this thing. Jordan actually was inside the mold when they molded him. They cracked it, pulled him out, reassembled it. Boom. Here we are at The Wiener’s Circle, bro… The best hot dog in Chicago. And they treat me like I’m from here. Come on in. Hey, let me get a hot dog, ladies. How do you want it? You know how I want it, man. What, up your ass or down your fucking throat? Come on, order correctly, pussy lips. Let’s get it together. Before I continue this tour, I’m gonna get a drink. Ah, double fisting. Chi Town is a drinking city. Everybody knows that. Ah, beers for the crew, beers for the crew, beers for the crew. Cheers, you guys. Cheers. Okay, we had more planned. We’re never gonna get to it. You want to know more about Chicago, Google it, okay? Enjoy the special. Cheers. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce you to my grandson… Andrew Santino. We did it. We did it. Yes. Chicago, Illinois, my hometown, how are you? Yes. Crazy. That’s my grandmother, man. Yeah, that’s the best thing in the world. My grandmother brought me up. Give it up for Mary Garrity, man. Cheers. Cheers to you guys. Cheers. My grandfather, who passed away, used to say… A waitress would bring him water, and he would say, ‘What is that?’ And she’d say, ‘It’s water.’ And he said, ‘I’m thirsty, not dirty, so get me a drink.’ So cheers to my grandpa. Here we are, Chi Town. We did it. We came a long way. We’re here. I’m so happy to be back in this city. I’m back home. It’s amazing. I’m feeling the vibe again. You know what I mean? I took a walk around the lake. I was listening to conversations, two guys arguing, yelling at each other with that thick Chicago accent. You know, that… Ah, Chicago. It’s Chicago. ‘A’ s are ahs. Chi-cah-go. And Ts are Ds. Over dere in Chi-cah-go. You know that? ‘A’s, ahs, T, Ds, everyone’s racist. It’s such a good city. What a city. I heard two men fighting. Two men were in an argument, in just a verbal argument, not anything bigger than that, just arguing, and the one guy goes, ‘You know what? Why don’t you suck my dick?’ And the other guy goes, ‘Pfft! You suck my dick.’ And I was like, ‘Hey, suck each other’s dicks, man.’ That would’ve been a fight to see, huh? Comes up like, ‘You motherfucker.’ Finish him. Finish him. We got to stop saying it like that. Guys have to stop saying it like that ’cause girls are gonna start believing it. It has a negative connotation when you say that. You go, ‘Suck my dick.’ We say it negative. Suck my dick. You say it like it’s a bad thing. It’s the best thing in the world. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We should say it nice. You should go, ‘Hey! ‘Suck my dick, please, if you have time. ‘If you don’t, it’s not a big deal. I would love it a lot.’ I’m proud of being from this town. I love this town. I miss it a lot. It’s where my family is from. My family’s still here. It’s great to come home, see my parents. They’re getting older, which is weird. That’s a hard thing, to see your parents get older… Like, honest older, You know when your parents just say shit that when you were a kid, you were like, ‘Oh, you never used to say shit like that when I was a kid.’ Like, my mom was like, ‘Well, I’m gonna leave the house. What are you gonna do for the weekend?’ And my dad was watching TV, and he turns, and he goes, ‘Eat steak, watch porn.’ I applaud the honesty out of that guy, really sharp. I appreciate that. Tell her the truth, man. They’re getting older. You know what I mean? They get older, but I love that about these people. They’re fantastic. They raised me. I mean, did they raise me correctly? I don’t know. Maybe not. I grew up here in downtown Chicago for half of my life in Chicago. In the second half, we moved to the western suburbs, right? We moved to the suburbs ’cause my sister was born, and my parents were like, ‘I’ m not gonna fuck up two of them. ‘We can’t do that. One’s good. We’ll fuck up one. That’s okay.’ We moved to the western suburbs, you know, to try to better the life of all of us, but, like, I still realize sometimes how, like, my mom used to fuck with us subtly. Like, my mom is crazy. She’s a crazy person in the best way, but she would, like, lay it in real slow. Like, my parents were somewhat religious, right? You know, I mean, Irish Catholic kind of. You know what I mean? Like, somewhat in, you know what I mean? They’re, like, in the hot tub maybe. But she used to do this thing. She used to make me say, every single night before I went to bed, ‘Now I lay me down to sleep.’ Do you know that? Does anybody know that? I used to have to say this. I used to have to repeat this. I ‘d say,’ Now I lay me down to sleep. ‘I pray the Lord my soul to keep, ‘and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.’ I would say that before bed, which is a really fucked-up thing… for a child to say out loud. If I die before I wake up? I’m six. I’m gonna die in the middle of the night, and God’s gonna leave my body, take my soul, but be like, ‘Body’ s good. Leave the body. It’s fine. Leave it.’ What’s going on? Crazy person. I love her. She’s the best in the world. I had Irish Catholic guilt. I had so much Irish Catholic guilt when I was a kid, I used to flip a coin to determine whether or not I was gonna masturbate that day. You think I’m kidding? I would take a quarter. I would go, ‘Heads, yes, tails, no.’ I’d flip it, I’d get tails, and I’d go, ‘Ah, best two out of three. We got to go again. Let ‘s see what happens.’ He didn’t beat me, never won. That’s how heavy my guilt was. Seriously, that’s how, like, in my head I was about that God-is-watching-you type of stuff. Like, my mother used to let us not lock the doors. She was against it. She was like, ‘You don’ t lock the doors inside of the house. ‘If you’ re locking the doors inside of the house, it means you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing.’ Yeah, that’s why we lock the doors. Don’t come in here. I’m pulling on my body. Get out of here. Leave me alone, lady. That’s how I realized the guy that invented locks inside of a house must’ve been caught masturbating by his wife one too many times. He was sick of it. He was sick of it. He’s like, ‘You know what? That’s it. I’m gonna put locks inside the house.’ She ‘s like,’ Michael, what are you doing? ‘We have locks on the outside of the house ‘to keep criminals from coming inside. There’s no criminals inside of this house.’ Yes, there are, Karen, and they’re robbing me of my freedom. Let me pull on my body in peace. Leave me alone, Karen. Anyway, I love being from this city, and now I live in Los Angeles, California. I live on the other side of this great country. I like it out there. It’s okay. It’s a second home for me. It takes some getting used to. It’s a little bit difficult, but the big difference is, like, when I come back home, you know, like, all my mom wants to do is talk about, like, the weather. Like, that’s a big thing. My mom is like, ‘How is the weather in California? Is it nice like this?’ It’s like, ‘Yeah, it’s better than this. That’s why I’m out there. What are you talking about?’ It’s always better. It’s always better. It is. There’s a lot of stuff that isn’t better, but the weather’s always gonna be better, and she loves bringing up the ‘feels like’ meter. You know what that is? The news guy. The news guy’s like, ‘It’s 62. Feels like 68.’ That’s Midwest hope. That’s hope circulating in your body. It’s the greatest lie ever told. Who’s the ‘feels like’ guy? I want that job. If that’s a job, I want it tonight. I’ll drop this bullshit gig and go do that tonight. The ‘feels like’ guy… Greatest gig ever. Here in the studio, it’s 62 on the barometer. We’re gonna go live to Andrew Santino. Andrew, what does it feel like? How’s it going, news team? Like 67. Right back to you guys. Back to you guys, man. It’s nice, really nice out. It’s crazy, man, ’cause the weather here fluctuates so much. Like, when I come back, you’re never surprised. Like, you’re never surprised by anything in Chicago, but, like, who I feel bad for when I come back is the homeless people. I always feel bad for homeless here, man. Like, I don’t feel bad for homeless people in L.A. People can get mad at me for saying that. I don’t give a shit. They’re awful human beings, these L.A. homeless people. They’re terrible. They’re terrible people. I feel bad for Chicago homeless, right? Because they die in the winter, and they die in the summer. They’re never not dying. They’re always dying. There’s, like, a week when it’s like, ‘We might make it,’ and that’s it, and they bucket-drum their way through that week. Soldiers, man. So I feel bad for homeless people in Chicago, from my heart, ’cause this is my home. So, when I come home, I give money. I gave money today to a homeless guy. I’m not lying. I gave money to a homeless guy ’cause I feel bad for him. I know what he’s got to go through. I gave that money to that guy, right? And I’ll always do that, but I also want to look him in the eye and go, ‘Hey, start walking south. You have nothing to do tomorrow. What are you doing here? You have something on your calendar? You don ‘t have a calendar.’ You can air-fistfight dragons all over this great country. I’m sure there’s half-smoked cigarettes strewn across this great land. I mean, the wind is their therapist. That’s all over the place. They can move about, man. You know the birds? You know those things? You know those guys? When they leave, follow those guys. Birds are born instinctively knowing, when it gets cold, to be like, ‘Oh, let’ s get the fuck out of here. ‘It’ s cold. Let’s leave. This is ridiculous. Why are we here? This is ridiculous.’ But I don’t feel bad for homeless people in Los Angeles at all… I really don’t. I don’t. I don’t feel bad for them. Some people are like, ‘Oh, that’s kind of mean.’ I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit, ’cause I live amongst these people, and they’re rude. They’re rude. You know why they’re rude? ‘Cause they made it. They’re at the promised land. It’s 72 degrees outside. You know what it is inside my place? Seventy-two. Who pays for that? I do. Fuck those guys. They won the lottery. They sleep on the beach. I came out of a restaurant, right? I came out of a restaurant. When I first moved there, I had no money. I had zero money. Came out of a restaurant, had some leftovers, went up to a homeless guy, said, ‘Hey, sir, I got some leftovers. Would you like this?’ Okay? I’m on a date, in front of a lady. Would you like this, sir? And the homeless guy looks up at me, and he says, ‘What’s in it?’ And I looked at him, and I said, ‘Tomorrow.’ Another day on this earth. What are you, gluten-free? Eat the food. You’re cock-blocking me, man. I’m trying to smash a five. Help me out. What are you doing? Why are you doing this? Times are tough. Who are you? But I like it. It’s my second home. This is my first home. L.A.’s my second home, and I do like it. There is things about it that I like. I live now in Los Angeles in a neighborhood called West Hollywood. West Hollywood is a gay neighborhood. It’s kind of like up here. It’s like where we are right now, Boystown. I like the gay neighborhood. The gay neighborhood is the best neighborhood. I’ve ever lived in in my life. It’s safe. It’s beautiful. I love it. I love it. You get in where you fit in, and I fit into that neighborhood, okay? I’m not gay, Dad, but… I’m down to live around gay people. They keep it clean and safe. I’ve never been attacked once in my neighborhood, and by the way, if I did get attacked, I would love to be attacked. What a beautiful way to walk home. A guy leaps out of a bush. Where are you going? Where are you going? Where? Where? Gives me outfit tips. They can fly, you know. I have a lot of gay friends because of that. They’re people just like you and me. There’s nothing different. There’s nothing different about that neighborhood. It’s cleaner and safer, and I fucking love it. The only difference is, I got a big beard. I’ve had big beard. I got to keep a big beard for a while. And that’s okay. Gay guys love guys with beards. Why? I don’t know. It’s a thing. It’s an underbelly thing. It’s on the Internet. Look it up. And I often get hit on. I get hit on a lot, okay? I get hit on way more in the gay community than in the straight community, and I’m okay with that. It’s a confidence booster, fellas. It feels nice. But I’ve lived in a gay neighborhood for so long that now I’m picky about what gay guy hits on me. A gay guy hollers at me, and I’m like, ‘All right, you couldn’t handle it, dude. ‘You couldn’ t handle it. Too tight, too tight. ‘Keep walking, man. Pinch it right off. Get up out of here, man.’ Couldn’t have it. That’s some true shit. You got to be careful of social cues. Social cues mean a lot, right? And guys are stupid. Men are stupid. We’re stupid people by nature. We’re just dumb. We don’t give a shit, by the way, when girls are like, ‘Men are dumb.’ I don’t care. You think I care you think I’m dumb? I don’t give a shit. I know I’m dumb. It feels really good. Try going out your day without talking about a relationship. That’s what you guys do all day. It’s like, ‘I heard he was with her, but then she was’… And we just walk around like… It’s great. It’s fantastic. I don’t worry about shit. It makes my day so much easier, but guys are idiots, and I’m proud to be an idiot. But social cues amongst men are interesting because you got to be careful what you do in my neighborhood, right? Like, in my neighborhood, it’s a little bit different, ’cause when I walk down the street and I see another guy, right, I do this thing. If I see you, and I walk down the street, right, we pass each other, and I go like this, what do you do? If I go like… Yeah, you dude me right back, right. You dude me right back. He dudes me. We dude it. Hey, dude it. We dude it. Do we know why we dude? No. Zero clue. We walk around like pigeons all day like, ‘Hey, hey.’ We don’t give a shit. I do it to black guys to show them that I’m not a pussy. I go, ‘Hey, what’ s up? We good, we good? ‘We’re good. I’m good with the black guy. ‘In case a fight breaks out, we got a black guy. ‘We’ re good. We got one. We’re good, we’re good. We got him.’ I have no idea why we do that. We share genitalia. There’s no other reason that we do that to one another. But you can’t do that in my neighborhood ’cause it means something totally different… and it hurts. It hurts a lot. I like living there. I do like it. I really do. Like, I like living in Los Angeles. I like progressive culture, okay? I really do. I like the way that people think about other people as humans instead of a subset, right? This country got all up in arms. Everybody voted to make bathrooms gender-neutral. I don’t know if you know about that, but there was a big debate going on around this country about should we make bathrooms gender… Should we be able to let other people use bathrooms that didn’t initially have that genitalia, right? People that are transsexual. Should we let them use our bathrooms? Ooh, careful. Who knows what could happen? What could happen? Nothing. They’re gonna shit in your bathroom that you shit in. You think your bathroom’s that important, where you let go of all your fluids. You care that much about your fluids that you care who comes after. When I go in there, I ‘m like,’ Aah! ‘There better be someone else decent that comes in after me. ‘I don’ t want some transsexual coming in after that. Who knows what they ‘ll do?’ Who do you think you are? It was a big debate, gender-neutral bathrooms. And I’m all for it. Bathrooms are bathrooms. I don’t give a shit who uses my bathroom after me. Use it. You got to go, go ahead. Use the bathroom, man. It’s a good thing. For years, I was sick and tired of going to a bar and seeing girls cut the bathroom line when theirs are too long. They walk to the guys, and they go, ‘Hi, our line’ s too long. ‘Do you think me… Can we cut? Is this chill if we cut?’ I know that’s a stereotypical impression. I don’t give a shit. That’s real. ‘Can we cut?’ That’s real. And every asshole in line is like, ‘Yeah, go ahead.’ Also real, also real, also a real impression of us. You go like that. We go like that. Okay? So guys let them in, and I’m tired of that shit, ’cause we can’t use your bathrooms. Guys can’t use girls’ bathrooms at bars. You can use ours. Why can’t we use yours? The only thing I ever hear is, ‘Well, you pee on the seat.’ Do we? I don’t. I don’t pee on the seat. If you live with someone that pees on the seat, it’s ’cause they hate your fucking guts. They’re sending you a message. Oh, no, you get the groceries, Karen, you fucking bitch. Fucking asshole. He’s saying something to you. That’s between you two. What do you think? You think we walk in the bathroom, we just open it up, and let it go, and it’s, like, wherever it goes, it goes. I know where it goes. I got a laser pointer. I know precisely where it goes. Pff, right there. Pee on the seat. That’s amazing. It’s ridiculous. To me, I think the fix has always been remove the stalls from men’s bathrooms in bars. Remove them. Urinals or just holes in the ground, it doesn’t really matter. Guys will pee into anything. We don’t really give a shit. But get the stalls out of men’s bathrooms in bars because they shouldn’t be there in the first place, okay? They should never have been there, ’cause a girl can’t walk in now and use a urinal. Unless you can, ladies, and then I want to see it. If you can tippy-toe pee, I would love to see it. I don’t know if it’s this way or that way. I don’t know which way is better, but if you can do that, I want to check it out. But there shouldn’t be stalls in men’s bathrooms in bars in the first place, because who the fuck is pooping at the bar? You’re gonna poop at the bar? You’re gonna poop here? Steve, you’re gonna poop at the bar. The bar that we’re at, you’re gonna poop at this bar? You feel okay with that as a person, pooping at the bar? Okay, now I know who you really are. Pooping at the… Who are your friends? Who’s your family? Go home, you animal. What are you, you pig person? Poop at the bar? Are you out of your mind? You’re gross. You’re a gross human. You don’t poop at the bar. You man up if you have to poop. You man up if you have to poop. You finish your drink, pinch it off, and you walk home, so you can poop at the house naked like a grown-up… like a full-grown adult. If you’re pooping at the bar that I’m at and I see you doing that, I’m gonna walk in, look under, walk out, and go, ‘Hey, there’ s a guy pooping here ‘wearing blue Adidas. Blue Adidas, yeah. He ‘s pooping right now.’ And then leave you with your mistake. Why is everybody looking at my shoes? ‘Cause you pooped here, Mike. What’s wrong with you? Get your life locked up, pig. Go home, you pig. Say that next time you see someone pooping in a bathroom. Walk in and go, ‘Go home, you pig. You make me sick.’ Unbelievable, man, how we prote… We protect the bathrooms like they’re a big deal. Who gives a shit about the bathrooms? Dude, go to the bathroom. We protect bathrooms in this country like it’s something important. It’s remarkable to me. Sometimes you go to a restaurant, and you’re like, ‘Hey, can I get the key to the bathroom? It’s locked.’ They’re like, ‘Oh, yeah, we got the key. Here you go.’ It’s attached to a comically large ladle for no reason. You got a spoon on the goddamn thing. Now you got to take that in there, find a place for it. It’s gonna be a nightmare. Go ahead. You’re gonna hate every second of that. Why do we do that? We lock them. You keep the bathroom under lock and key? You realize in every restaurant, every restaurant you can walk right in, go right into the kitchen? There’s no locks on a kitchen. Just walk in and go, ‘Hey, what’s up, you guys?’ Dunk your hand in some soup. More salt. Needs more salt. I got to go. I want to use the bathroom. You got the key? No. Get real. It’s a weird country, man. We live in a weird country. We live in a weird time. I didn’t want to talk about anything that’s going on right now, but because I got a lot of time, it’s the late show, I’ll do whatever the fuck I want. So let me say this. I’m proud to be from where I’m from, okay? I’m proud to be from Chicago, Illinois. I’m proud to be from the United States of America. I’m not trying to get on a patriotic kick. All I want to say is, we got some fucked-up things going on in our country. Times are really crazy. It’s unfortunate as fuck. It’s awful. People on both sides are blaming people on both sides, okay? I have cops that are in my family. Every cop is not a bad fucking person, and every person isn’t a bad person, right? These are the same fucking things. So don’t point fingers at either side. We need to be better people in general, across the fucking board. That’s it. That’s it. Good. I’m a… I’m a guy who recently, thankfully, found a woman who was dumb enough to stick around. Stupid girl, stupid girl. ‘Cause look at this, you know. Like, look at guys. You’re gross. Why would they even go for us? Why would a woman want to do stuff with you? You’re gross. You’re disgusting. Look at a naked woman. Take one look at a naked woman, right? Beautiful, symmetrical, hairless. What a creature. Whatever made it finely crafted it like a Ferrari, you know? Took time with it. And then they got to the guy, and they were like, ‘Ah, we ran out of time. ‘No, put the genitals on the outside. ‘It doesn’ t matter. ‘No one’ s gonna see. Who cares? ‘Hair? Throw some hair on it. Fine, throw some hair on it.’ It’s phenomenal. Every day we’ve fooled you. Like, we should wake up, guys, and just be like, ‘Ah, tricked them. ‘We tricked them again. We got away with murder.’ I don’t know how we ever convinced you to do anything in the first place. Kiss me where I pee? Kiss me where I pee? How? How? How? You know that place that you breathe and eat from? May I stuff my dick in there? Can I clog up your source of life with some flesh? Life, the life hole, can I just… Cork it? I want to cork it. I want to cork your life hole with my body. How on earth did you say yes? Cork it? It’s a remarkable thing, when you think about it. Like, how did we ever even start the sexual chemistry to even get to that level of doing stuff? Here you go. A guy can go to a bar. A single guy goes to a bar trying to pick up chicks. He can go out there and mumble around. I want to put my body in your body. That’s all he’s saying. Baseline level, I want to put my body in your body. Can we do that? You sound debonair at the bar. You ‘re like,’ Well, well, I work for an investment firm downtown.’ But what you’re really saying is, like, ‘I want to put my body in your body. I’d like to put my body inside of your body.’ That’s all it is. You’re not that cool. You’re just trying to put some of your body in someone’s body. You got a gap. I got a wedge. Can we do the thing when I put the thing in the thing? That’s it. Think about that… That’s a hard thing to do, to go out to a bar and convince a girl I’m the guy that you want to do things with. Think about how hard it was for us to start that. How did we start that? How did a caveman ever get to that point with a cave woman? How did a caveman say that when there was no language, no communication skills? First of all, when you were a caveman, you just stood around with your buddies, mumbling. That’s it. There’s really nothing going on, just a lot of… Then one of you, out of nowhere, would just get an erection. Explain that to the crew. All your buddies are mad. Hey! They don’t like it pointing at them. You got to be a nonverbal dick salesman, going up to women like… What are you selling? She doesn’t know. You can’t say it. Who said yes? The slowest girl in the pack… on a bad leg she was lugging around. Okay, okay. Okay. How did that happen? The guy that convinced a girl to do that for the first time invented fire and the wheel that afternoon. It was like… Everything clicked. I got it. Everything made sense. I would’ve loved to see the first caveman to discover pulling out. That would’ve been amazing. Right? The first guy that’s like… That’s how all that shit on the wall got started. They were like… What, do you think that was ink? That was no ink. It’s jizz symbols. How great is that fucking thing? My buddy’s an artist, and I was like, ‘I want a fucking papa bear ‘with a cubby bear with a Blackhawks headdress, ‘and I want him wearing Jordans for the Bulls ‘and white socks, and I want him eating deep dish and drinking a beer.’ And my buddy smoked enough pot as I did, and he came up with this. So it was fucking pretty amazing. The Chicago flag, yeah. Cool. It’s cool. We got a lot of pride in this town, so we should. You know what I mean? You can’t fuck with us. Come fuck with us. Where’s my crane camera? Come fuck with us, rest of the United States. Where the fuck are you guys at? Come to Chicago. Rip your fucking throats out. I’m gonna get murdered on the road in Cincinnati in, like, three months. Shit. No, I got a lady. I got a lady this year. I got locked up. I got married this year, which was great. It was a great thing. Don’t clap for that. Please don’t clap for that shit ’cause it eggs her on, and I don’t need that. No, I got married, and it was great. It was very fun. We had a good time. Yeah, it was fun. Thanks a lot. Cool. It was cool, it was cool. She came up to me at the jump, and she was like, she ‘s like,’ What do you think about doing, like, bachelor, bachelorette parties, like, all that stuff?’ We didn’t talk about, like, really any of that stuff. We really kind of didn’t really get into the nitty-gritty, and I was like, ‘Well, whatever you want to do.’ She was like, ‘Do you want to have a bachelor party?’ And I was like, ‘I don’ t know. ‘Like, I do stand-up for a living, ‘so, like, it’ s just always kind of a fucking bachelor party. My life is kind of a bachelor party.’ I was like, ‘No, I’m good.’ You know what I mean? Like, I just took my best friend for his bachelor party, and I was like, ‘That’s good enough for me.’ I was like, ‘You can do a bachelorette party. Don ‘t feel like you can’t.’ She was like, ‘Are you cool with it?’ I was like, ‘I promise. I’m totally cool with it. Whatever you want to do, you ‘re good. Do it.’ She was like, ‘Okay, trust me. It ‘ll be classy.’ That’s some dumb shit. Girls are like, ‘It’ s gonna be classy. ‘The bachelorette party… It’s gonna be cla… I promise. We won’t be as crazy as you think we’re gonna be.’ She was like, ‘We’ re going to Northern California ‘to a vineyard. We ‘re gonna do wine tasting.’ So in girls’ brains, they think that we think that that’s nice and sweet, but I know the truth. I know they’re not wine tasting. I know they’re blacking out on wine. I know they’re getting purple toothed out, Charlie Chaplain-ing around town like… I know. I know what you’re doing, looking like Grimace. I know. I know. Lie to me, you drunks… trying to pretend like… We pretend like wine is so sophisticated. It’s still booze. Stinky-foot grapes, that’s all it is. Go on a vineyard tour with her girlfriends. See, ’cause here’s the thing about bachelorette parties. I’m sure every girl in this room is a wonderful human being. I’m sure you’re all stand-up citizens until you get in a bachelorette party, and then you’re a piece of shit. Then you’re a piece of shit. Then you storm around town like, ‘Look at us, penises everywhere. ‘Penises on our body. ‘Penis necklace. These are dick-laces. ‘These are dick necklaces. This is a dick hat. ‘These are dick glasses. They’re dick shoes. ‘Look at it. It comes. This one comes. ‘It comes out of that shoe. When I go like that, it comes.’ What’s wrong with you? Who are your parents? Shame on you, these women who walk around town doing that shit. It’s unbelievable… Bachelorette parties that take over every bar they go to, screaming. These bitches work in HR during the day, but at night… they’re just like, ‘Penis, penis, penis. Penis, penis, penis, penis.’ Who are your parents? Shame on you. You realize some little kid in China has to make those penis molds? Some little kid in China is pressing penises, penis sunglasses, so you can go out like, ‘Cocks, cocks on my head.’ You psycho. That’s where guys beat you. That’s, like, the one spot we beat you. We may be dumber than you, but we beat you there. We beat you by a landslide, because I have never been to a bachelor party where they’re like, ‘Santino, you ready to go? Put on your pussy costume. Let ‘s go.’ I put one on like… ‘Come on, let’ s go. ‘Get mine wet. Steve, get mine wet. ‘Get it wet. Get the clit wet. ‘Go. Get it wet. This is what we want.’ ‘Vaginer.’ We beat you. So we went and got married out of the country. We went to Costa Rica. We went down to Costa Rica. It was great. Central America, beautiful place. Costa Rica is amazing. We loved it. It was fantastic. I didn’t know that racism is everywhere. I had no idea, but it is, but it really fucking is. Here we are in our hotel, two men are in a fight with one man, two guys on one, two on one, working this dude, and I look out the window, and I’m like, ‘Oh, my God, what happened?’ To the local guy. And the local guy, who we know, who we’re buddies with, is like, ‘Oh, yeah, the fight?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, what happened?’ I’m ready for the story. And he ‘s like,’ Okay, you see this guy on the ground? ‘You see him on the ground, ‘this guy who they kick in the face? ‘You see him? ‘You know, this guy on the ground they kick in the teeth. You see him?’ I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, what is that?’ And he goes, ‘Oh, yeah, this guy, this guy on the ground, he ‘s from Panama.’ What? ‘He’ s from Panama. Panama, the country. Panama.’ That’s it? That was as deep as the well got dug. ‘He’s from Panama.’ That’s it. I was like, ‘But how did the fight… Like, how did you… How did the fight happen?’ He goes, ‘Oh, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí. ‘Okay, so this guy on the ground, ‘he cut off this guy in traffic, ‘and he says to him, ‘Hey, what the fuck?’ ‘And this guy, he says, ‘Hey, man, fuck you.’ ‘So this guy, he gets out of his car, ‘and he says, ‘Mm-mm, fuck you.’ ‘So then they yell at each other. ‘So this guy say fuck you. ‘This guy, fuck you. This guy, fuck… So both of these guys are fucking you right now.’ I was like, ‘No one’ s fucking me. What are you talking about?’ ‘And then his friend, he hear him from across the street, ‘and his friend, he says, ‘Hey, what happened?’ ‘He says, ‘He said, fuck you.’ ‘He says,’ Ah, fuck you.’ ‘He says, ‘Fuck you.’ He says. ‘Fuck you.’ He fuck… these guys over here are fucking you.’ ‘And the one guy, he says to him… ‘Before he fight with him, he says, ”Hey, motherfucker, where are you from?’ ‘And this guy, he says, ‘Panama.’ ‘And, uh… That ‘s it for him.’ Other than that, it was a beautiful country, man. It was gorgeous, man. We did so much white-people shit. It was unbelievable. You know what white-people shit is. Everybody in here knows it, right? It’s, like… We went zip-lining. It’s, like, white-water rafting, all that white-people… White-water rafting is white-people shit. It’s called white-water rafting. It’s ours. That’s some white-people shit. You’ll never, ever see a black guy white-water rafting, skydiving, drinking coffee. That’s just not what they do. It’s not what they do. Skydiving, all that shit. Black guy, do you go skydiving? Never in your fucking life, man. No way. Never in your life. Rock climbing? No way. White-water rafting? No. None of the above. Do you even like coffee? I do like coffee. Oh, come on, man. What did he say? I like it black. You like it black. I get that. I get that. You can have that. Take it black. Take it black. So he knows what I’m talking about. He knows. I went to college with… One of my closest friends in college was this dude we lived with, and he would always make fun of me. He ‘s like,’ You’re doing some white-people shit, Red. You on some white-people shit right now.’ I was like, ‘I’m taking out the trash.’ He’s like… ‘That’s the type of shit I’m talking about, motherfucker. ‘Just throw that shit outside, bitch. ‘White-people shit! ‘What you doing, dishes, motherfucker? You white-ass motherfucker.’ What you doing, laundry, you Charmin-ass motherfucker? You Charmin’… I did so much white-people shit in Costa Rica. It was bananas. I loved it, though. I love being a tourist. Like, that’s the fucked-up thing about Americans. We don’t want to be tourists. Why not? Why are we so afraid of being tourists? I’ll do that zip-line dork-ass shit. Give me the helmet. I love that. How much is the picture? $1,000? I don’t give a shit. I’ll pay for that, plan for it. Come on, man. Give me that dork tourist shit. We’re so afraid as Americans to be tourists. Yet for some reason, tourists come here. They’re not afraid to be tourists. You can go to Michigan Avenue right now. There’s a cute little Italian couple that’s like, ‘Mi scusi, mi scusi, mi scusi. The water tower, the water tower.’ And you ‘re like,’ Ah, come here. Let me lie to you. Come here, come here, come here.’ Let them be tourists, man. Be a tourist. Be a tourist. All I’m saying is, stop being such a liar. Be who you really are. You’re out of the country. Be out of the country, man. There’s nothing wrong with that, you know. Here’s why. Every time I’ve ever been to a Spanish-speaking country, there’s always one guy in the crew, one dude who’s like, ‘Hey, I got us. I can take us around. ‘I speak a little bit of Mexican. ‘We’ re gonna be good. We ‘ll be good.’ You speak Mexican, Brad? I speak Mexican, dog. I got us. Don’t sweat it, man. I took 101 in high school. We’re gonna be straight. And you’re like, ‘All right, man. I can’t wait.’ You walk into a restaurant. I say the truth. I walk in, I go, ‘Hello, American, americano, ‘American, ready to be ripped off. Look at me.’ ‘Cause I don’t give a shit. How much is that Coke? Seven? Thought it was ten. You can’t fuck me. You can’t fuck me. I planned for that. You cannot fuck me. But he walks in. Brad walks in, talking Mexican like, ‘Hola, seniors. Hola, seniors.’ He thinks he’s the shit. Brad walks in heavy, and the staff looks at him like, ‘Okay, okay, okay, okay. ¿Habla español, señor? ¿Habla español? ¿Habla español?’ Sí, sí, sen-yours. Sí, sí, sen-yours. Ha-blah a-spaniel. Ha-blah a-spaniel. Ha-blah a-spaniel. And they ‘re all like,’ Okay. ‘Hmm. Good, good, good. That’s good, good. That’s good.’ And they just machine-gun Spanish at his fucking head until you see him go, ‘Oh, fuck. ‘There’s no bibliotecain there. Where’s the ban-yo? I don’t know any of those words.’ Brad looks like an asshole. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying my plate of rice and ‘polo,’ having a great time… enjoying my life. I came back from Costa Rica. It was fantastic, and then we got into that, like, all the marriage discussion shit. She was like, ‘What do you want to do about the last name?’ I was like, ‘I don’ t know. I mean, I don’t really care. I don’t think I really care.’ I was like, ‘I mean, what do you want to do?’ She’s like, ‘Well, do you want me to take your last name?’ And there’s a part of you that’s like, ‘No, man, it’s cool.’ Then there’s a part of you that’s like, ‘Yeah, you got to take the last name.’ It’s some male-ego bullshit, but that’s the truth of the situation. Like, it doesn’t really mean much. Like, what are last names anyway? I don’t really know. We don’t really know, you know. Last names… you used to give to somebody ’cause it represented land, right? You had some land. You get some land to give. Like, ‘This will all be yours one day.’ That doesn’t mean shit nowadays. I can’t be like, ‘Son, this condominium will be yours when I die.’ Who gives a shit, right? There’s not much to it. You know, it really doesn’t mean much. But it’s strange when I think about, like, white people’s last names, like, where our last names came from. A lot of times, it used to be your occupation, right? Like, I meet a guy… Kevin Blacksmith. His great-great-great-great- grandfather was a blacksmith. Dave Shoemaker, his great-great-great-great- grandfather was a shoemaker. But it’s weird when you meet a white guy named Eric Lynch… ‘Cause you’re like, ‘Your great-great-great-great- grandfather was a bad person.’ Switch it up, dog. But last names are kind of bullshit. You know know what I mean? They mean whatever they want and whatever you want them to mean, and so she said, ‘What do you want to do?’ I said, ‘How about we just go with whosever last name is cooler?’ Right, whosever’s is cooler. She was like, ‘Cooler?’ I was like, ‘Yeah,’ ’cause in my head, I knew it was already game over. I was like, ‘Jordan, buckets.’ I knew it was over. I knew it was over. She wasn’t fucking with Santino. What a cool-ass name, Santino. Three syllables… San, unh, ti, got you, oh. That’s what’s up. I had it. It was in the bag, man. It was in the bag. It was game over. Jordan. It was game over, but then she was like, ‘Oh, you think your last name is that much cooler?’ I said, ‘Yeah.’ Her last name was Eichelberger. You want me to say it again? Eichelberger. And she’s like, ‘What’s wrong with that?’ I was like, ‘What’ s right with that shit? What are you talking about, lady?’ She’s like, ‘It’s not that big of a deal.’ I said, ‘Well, it’s like part of the Third Reich.’ I’ll have to walk into restaurants, like… ‘We’ re here for the Eichelberger party, ‘the party of two. ‘There is two of us at the party. ‘We would like the table in the back of the room. ‘In the back of the room, ‘behind the air-conditioning, please. Thank you.’ Anyway, she’s a Santino now. Yeah. We got into a thing, ’cause I was… I feel like I’m watching too much porn lately, if I’m just being real with you guys. We’re getting real. It’s a late-night show. I was watching too much porn. Porn is bad. It’s a bad thing. It’s really addictive. It is. It truly is. I think it’s not my fault, though. I think it’s access… access, too much access. In your pockets, there’s a phone, right? In there is all the porno… All of it… all of it that we make. All of it that we make, you guys. If I had three seconds inside of a time machine, I would ‘zorb’ myself to when I was 14, for three seconds, and just go… ‘In the future, all the porno’s in your pocket,’. And get out… and blow my mind. Just… semen everywhere. Oh, my God. I’m waiting for this JPEG to load. Come on, man. That’s crazy. That is crazy to think about. It really is too much access. Like, I can’t walk past a laptop without being like… ‘Ah, this is Best Buy. I got to go.’ The Blue Shirts, they don’t like that. You know what I mean? They get weird. We’ve seen so much of it. The problem is… With porn is, it’s got this stigma where we think we can emulate that stuff. Like, you think you’re like them. You’re not like them. Those are pros, man. Those are pros. I got envy. I have envy, envy. The way that these men throw a rope is remarkable. They just… It takes off. It’s got loft. Are you kidding me? I’m lucky if mine comes out. It’s like a pensive army. It gets to the surface, and it ‘s like,’ No, no. Go back, go back.’ And when it does come out, it’s late for the party. It has nonalcoholic beer. It’s like, ‘Sorry. We’re here.’ My wife… one night she was like, ‘Oh, come on my tits.’ I was like, ‘Oh, I’ll never make it up there.’ It’s so far. It’s too far. Maybe your belly button, max… if I really put in the work. I’ll tell you what I’ve been watching a lot of. I’ve been watching a lot of black porn, lots of black porn. Blackblack. Too. Like, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Deep chocolate, 99% cacao chocolate. Sexy. No milk. Get out of here, milk chocolate. No time for you. Chocolate, chocolate. I love watching black porn, love watch… For one fundamental reason. The guys get to wear shoes… on their feet. Men wear shoes on their feet. If you know anything about how shoes and pants work, anything at all, you know that these men took off their shoes, took off their pants and underwear, and then put back on their shoes. Come on. You did it again, black people. Numero uno. I got the envy, man. It’s a bad thing. It really is. It’s a bad thing. We need to clean up our minds, clean up our life. You know what I mean? Get clean, clean living. Eat a smoothie, take a walk. It’s difficult, man. It’s difficult to do. People always… like, listen, I try to work out. I’m trying to be in shape. I’m trying to do all that stuff. It’s a hard thing to do. You know, fast food, going to get fast food always reminds me of what it was like when I was single, going to a one-night stand. It was like the same thing, like the exact same feeling. You’ll be looking on Google Maps to try to find out if that fast-food joint’s open, right? You’re like, ‘You up, McDonald’s? You up?’ You send a late-night text, like, ‘What’ s up, girl? ‘You up? What’s up, McDonald’s? ‘You up? What’s up, Mac D’s? Is you up, playboy? Give me them nuggets.’ She’s like, ‘Uh-huh.’ McDonald’s is like, ‘You know it.’ You cruise over there, and on the way, you’re like, ‘Ooh, it’ s gonna be good. ‘I know what I get at this location. ‘This is my favorite spot to go to at this time of night. That number two is my spot right now.’ That’s a butt joke. You get over there, and you eat that. You devour that McDiesel’s. Just like that, you’re like… Devour it. And when you’re done, you get in the car and cruise home… Same feeling. Cruising home, and you’re like… ‘I’m a bad person, man.’ Sad. I had to cut that out. I had to cut it out, man. I’m trying to stay healthy. I’m trying to fit into my own skin. That’s really what it is. You know, I’m trying to feel good about myself. It’s a confidence thing about people. You want to feel confident and cocky, but, like, not too much. Like, I had my ego tested. I got into a car accident. A man hit me. A man hit me. I was at a red light. A man hit me, okay? Red light, skrrr, man, bmm-bmm-bmm, hit me, and I got out of my car. He got out of his car, and I went to say something. Before I could say anything, he goes, ‘Hey, what the fuck?’ And I said… ‘That’ s my line. ‘I say that. That’s me. ‘I’m doing… That’s what I do. You say, ‘I’m sorry,’ I feel like.’ He was a big-ass dude. He was big, jacked up, and he had tattoos up to his face? Question mark. You good, bro? On your face? You cashed out? You got cancer? What’s up? On your face? I feel like that’s some, like, ‘I don’t give a… ‘Whatever, bro. Go ahead. It’s done. ‘I don’ t give a shit. ‘I’ ve been collecting Marlboro miles for years. I ‘ll cash out.’ On your face? So I had no way to win this war. This dude was in my face. I had no… I was backed up. I was like, ‘Whatever, man.’ And in that moment, I was like, ‘I can’ t win this argument with this dude. I can ‘t beat him physically.’ But I was like, ‘If I had a superpower right now, ‘you know, it wouldn’ t be to, like, fly or be invisible. I would love to be able to throw acne on somebody.’ Right? He’s all, ‘Fuck you.’ I’m like, ‘Fuck me? Fuck you, man.’ No! Hit him all over the body, shoulder, bacne. Hit him with the bacne. Hit him with the kn-acne, that knee acne. Light him up, light him up. Scar him physically and emotionally, send him home like that for a couple of weeks, depending on the topical cream. Let it sit. Let it sit. If you’re not laughing at that, you didn’t have acne when you were a kid. I had really bad acne when I was a kid, man. It was so bad. It was so bad. Like, acne is, like, the sole reason I questioned God. I’m like, ‘What up, dude? What’s the deal? ‘Where are you at on this one, player? This is ridiculous.’ Here you are, 13, 14 years old. You’re the ugliest version of yourself. Look at photos of you at 14. TBT them on Instagram, and you’re like, ‘Ooh, tough-looking kid.’ You’re ugly, bro. You are ugly at 14. Teenagers are so gross to look at, hard to see. They’re hard to see, bro. They’re skinny. Their voices are crackling. They’re wobbling all over like little skinny baby giraffes, just hungry and horny like… Nasty-looking crea… They look like Tim Burton cartoons. They’re barely alive. You are nasty as a child. And you’re telling me at this vulnerable point in your life, God is gonna be like, ‘You know what? ‘I’ m gonna put some red pus bumps on his face. Pus bump his face up.’ I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand it. I had it so bad. I had to go on Accutane. You used to have to sign a form that said. ‘I can die from this medication.’ What’s up, guys? What are we saying? I can die from this medi… I can die from this medication. And I was underage, so I had a legal guardian. So my mother had to sign it. I was 16. I’ll never forget. They slipped the sheet to my mother, and she looked at it, and then she looked at me. Yeah. Yeah, this is… it’s… it’s better than your face. It doesn’t really matter. You’re an ugly kid. You’re ugly. It’s… it’s for you. I had it so bad. I had acne so bad when I was young. When I was in high school, I played basketball for a couple years at my high school until I found out about drugs, and I was like, ‘See you later, basketball.’ Ah, true story. But I played basketball for a little while. When I played basketball, I made the JV team pretty early on, and we played in a summer league, okay? In the summer league, you had to play all the other schools that you were going to play in that regular season, and I’ll never forget. We went out to West Aurora to go play these guys, and they were supposed to beat us. They were, like, a really good school, right? They were really good. They were an all-black school. We were a some-black school. They were gonna beat us. Bottom line, they were gonna win. And we went out there, and we beat the shit out of these guys. I had the game of my life. I dropped four points. I was on fire. If you know anything about high-school basketball, four points is like, whoa. What are you, MVP? Final score, 12-2. It was a blowout. I mean, we went out there. I had a great game. I was on cloud nine. I felt like a king. Then I left, and I went out to the hallway to go get a drink of water. I’m getting a drink of water, bending down by the water fountain to have a drink of water. A little black kid, like, eight years old walks in the hallway. Comes up to me and goes, ‘Hey, yo, white boy. White boy.’ I go, ‘What’s up?’ You’re pretty good, man. Oh, thanks, man. He goes, ‘For a white boy.’ And I was still like, ‘Thank you. I appreciate that.’ I’ll take it. Then he goes, ‘All right, man.’ I go, ‘All right, man.’ He walks away. Felt good. Go down to get some more water. He gets to the doorway. He stops… real Forest Whitaker-style. He turns around and goes, ‘Hey, yo, white boy.’ I say, ‘What’s up, man? What up?’ He goes, ‘What the fuck is all over your face?’ That still hurts today. I’m in my 30s. That cut went all the way to the bone. You know what I mean? Then I walked up to him slowly, and I said, ‘Well, this is what happens when your dad sticks around.’ No, I didn’t say that. That’s a joke, man. No, I called him the N word. Then I got out of there as fast as I could. No, stop it. I cried on the bus, man. I cried on the bus. Got to have a sense of humor, man. But I always loved black people. I always did. I really did. I still do. I still do love black people, man. I think they’re fantastic human beings. Black people always accepted me. Black people really did. White people never liked me. White people don’t like redheads for some reason. There’s this thing. White people see redheads, and they’re like, ‘What do we do with it?’ They don’t like us. They don’t trust us. They make a day to kick us. Call us names… ‘You fire crotch, you ginger.’ They ask us stupid questions, like does the carpet match the drapes? A black guy’s never said that to me. White guys… ‘The carpet match the drapes, bud?’ And I’m always like, ‘Are you a grown-up asking ‘about my penis hair? ‘Is that the level that you’re on? ‘You’ re worried about my penis hair, dude. ‘If you must know, it’s hardwood floors. There ‘s no carpet there, bro.’ I clean it up. Go get you a little buzzer from Target and clean that shit up. You get under there. It’s like… It’s working overtime under there. That’s the no-fly zone, no-fly zone. It might die under there, like… I can’t, I can’t. White people never liked me. They never did. They always made fun of me. That’s a reality check. Now people are like, ‘Huh? What are you talking about?’ White people always made fun of redheads. Redheads are this outcast. We’re this weird minority for some reason, but black people always liked me. They really did. They took to me. Like, black people like white people with a deficiency. I’m like a dog with one bad leg. You know, white people don’t adopt that dog, but black people are like, ‘No, no, no. ‘He good, he good, he good. ‘He gonna be fine. Come here, Tripod. ‘He gonna be fine. Tripod. ‘Come here, Tripod. It gonna work out.’ That’s just the truth. It just made me feel normal when I was a kid. So I loved hip-hop culture. I loved everything all my black friends liked, so much so that in the ’90s, people used to say this word. People used to call me a ‘wigger.’ Do you remember that word? Don’t get uncomfortable. You all said it. You all said it. I don’t know why we got rid of it. It was hilarious. You should’ve stuck around for a while. People used to call me a ‘wigger.’ People used to say ‘wigger’ to me ’cause they thought it would hurt my feelings. They thought, like, that was a way to get my goat. You know what I mean? And I’ll never forget. I was on a basketball court the first time I heard it, and we had won this basketball game, and this dude from the losing team says… ‘Whatever, bro. That dude ain’t nothing but a wigger.’ And all my black friends heard it, and they were disappointed. They heard him say that, and they were like… That’s how they sound, like a train. They were like… When black guys are bummed out, it sounds like a train, just… Next stop, Sedgwick. But they were bummed out ’cause that was an attack, you know. They didn’t like that, but when I heard it, I heard it different, ’cause they were like, ‘That white dude ain’t nothing but a wigger.’ And I heard it, and I was like, ‘Oh… so close.’ How do I get that N? How do I get that N? These are Karl Kani jeans. This is a Perry Ellis shirt. Give it to me. I bought Timberland boots. Say it if you’re gonna say it, you racist motherfuckers. Say it. How do I get that, man? It was just me being real. That’s all that was. I wanted to be a black guy. I thought I was black. I thought I was a black guy. Even to this day, I still have a lot of black friends, and I got to tell you… Every time I talk to my black guy friends, I’m always like, ‘Hey, man, don’t date white girls.’ Don’t date white girls. Not ’cause I’m racist. I’m clearly not racist. I have black friends. I’m not a racist. I tell my black guy friends to not date white girls ’cause I genuinely care about the future of sports. That’s it. We don’t need any placekickers and long snappers. We want dunk contests, right? How do you get a Heisman? You know what I mean? Not from Jerome and Cassie. Jerome and Jaquanda… That’s how we’re gonna make a Heisman, two beautiful chocolate people making love under a beautiful chocolate rain shower while he’s got shoes on. We know the formula. We know the formula. Drake is the number-one dude in hip-hop. His name is Aubrey. Yeah! We let him get away with that. Drake’s name is Aubrey, and nobody said shit about it. Aubrey, number one in hip-hop. What’s his name, Aubrey? Got it. Okay, cool. We’re good. He had beef with Meek Mill. It was a big beef. You’re it. Tag, you’re it. You’re it. Tag. Remember real beef? You remember when hip-hop was, like, real beef? People hated each other. Tupac and Biggie hated each other so much, and they were best friends at one point. They had real beef so deep that Tupac started a song called ‘Hit ‘Em Up’… Before he started the lyrics, he goes, ‘So I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker.’ That’s what he said. You’re fat. Fucked your girlfriend. Okay, let’s go. Here we go. That’s crazy. That’s how much he hated that guy. That’s real beef. I feel like hip-hop has, like, dissipated, you know. It’s just, like, gone by the wayside, and I blame one person for the death of hip-hop. His name is Macklemore. That dude is the worst. That dude is the worst. Macklemore is at fault for all this shit going south. Macklemore is not hip-hop. You can like him, but he’s not hip-hop, okay? That’s pop. He talks about going downtown on a scooter with his pals. Come on, bro. What? You’re gonna go downtown with your buddies on a scooter, Macklemore? That’s not hip-hop. Hip-hop doesn’t go downtown. Hip-hop lives downtown, and it goes to the suburbs and robs those people and comes back downtown. It doesn’t go downtown. Talking about thrift stores. Fuck you, bro. Don’t fucking talk about discount clothing! No! I don’t want to hear that, man. I want to hear a rapper be like… And I’m like, ‘You got it, you got it.’ That’s what I want to hear, man. I want to hear Rick Ross be like… That’s what I want to hear. Get out of here, Macklemore. What’s wrong with you, bro? This guy’s bullshit. We can’t call him hip-hop. It’s crazy that he’s hip-hop, ’cause it’s not. It’s all some sensitive-ass shit. The thing that made me the most mad about Macklemore is he co-wrote this song he got a Grammy nomination for that arguably made him famous, right? It made him famous, right? It was called ‘Same Love.’ It was about same-sex marriage. Now, the song and the depth of the song I’m not against. I’m for same-sex marriage. I don’t give a shit who you want to marry, okay? You want to marry who you want to marry? Go crazy, man. You don’t fuck kids or animals, I don’t care. That’s it for me. No kids, no animals, we’re straight. You want to marry your toaster? Go crazy. Just don’t return that. I don’t want to buy that fucked toaster. So the song I’m okay with. It’s at the beginning of the song, the intro. He goes, ‘When I was in the third grade, I thought that I was gay.’ Remember this bullshit? I thought that I was gay. When I was in the third grade, I thought I was a gay person. That’s what he said. I thought I was one of you fellas. Thank God I’m not. I’m not, but I thought I was. I thought so. I hated that. I hated that ’cause they applauded him. They were like, ‘Oh, how bold. ‘How brave of Macklemore. ‘He thought he was a homosexual. ‘In third grade, he thought he was a homosexual. ‘He’ s not, which is good, but he thought he was. He thought he was a gay.’ And they thought that was, like, a risky thing to say… ‘I thought I was gay when I was in third grade.’ I hate that shit. You remember third grade? I do. Everybody was gay. Everybody in here in third grade was gay. You were all gay. I wore sweat pants. I played the recorder. I was very gay. I used to Rollerblade around my neighborhood, like, ‘Hey, fellas.’ I would fag out all day. Like… I was homosexual, bro. It wasn’t a question. It was a fact. That kid’s gay as shit. Little redhead gay kid skating backwards. I was gay, man. I was gay when I was in third grade. You were all gay in third grade. I would beg my mom to let me sleep at other boys’ houses every night of the week. I want to sleep at Billy’s. What are you doing over there? None of your business, Mom! Make the call, please! I was so gay in third grade. If another boy accused me of liking girls, I’d fucking murder that kid. Chicago, Illinois, I got to go. I’m Andrew Santino. Thank you so much, man. Thank you, guys. I love you, Chicago. Everybody who’s anybody has lived in this building, man. Locals, baby… Jordan, Pippen, Longley, Kerr, Paxton. You know it, dude. Ryne Sandberg used to own and live in one of those big white poles at the top. He would have to slide down for breakfast. Al Capone still lives in the basement. Not dead. It’s now called Willis, used to be called Macy’s Tower, after the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, because most of the floats are made right here in this building. It’s actually anatomically to scale… even his balls. The penis is not. They ran out of clay, but the balls are full. And if you look right beyond me, that’s the Adams Street Bridge, named, of course, after the Addams Family. Duh-na-na-na. Oh, you want a fat dick in a bun or a little dick in a bun? I don’t want any penises on the hot dog, just a regular hot dog. Okay, we’re gonna give you a Trump dog, then. Gonna give me a Trump dog? Damn right. You know what? Let me tell you something. You’re not nice, and you’re not nice to people and… We don’t give a fuck about your fucking soft ass. Yes. I’m sick of this abuse. All I want is… Save that pussy-ass shit for somebody else that want to fucking hear it. Good night, pussy lips. Right. Fine, good night. Bye, dick cheese. Get the fuck out of here. I’m leaving. Pussy nose. Well, leave. Tweet, tweety bird. Hey, Andrew, I think the crew’s gonna head out of here. Cool, man. Get out. We’re wrapped. Yeah, I’m here. Do you need a ride, or are you good? I get in my… I can walk. Okay. Cool. Good luck with your special or tour guide, whatever this is. Thanks, dude. Thank you, Bernard. | We did it. We did it. Yes. Chicago, Illinois, my hometown, how are you? Yes. Crazy. That’s my grandmother, man. Yeah, that’s the best thing in the world. My grandmother brought me up. Give it up for Mary Garrity, man. Cheers. Cheers to you guys. Cheers. My grandfather, who passed away, used to say… A waitress would bring him water, and he would say, ‘What is that?’ And she’d say, ‘It’s water.’ And he said, ‘I’m thirsty, not dirty, so get me a drink.’ So cheers to my grandpa. Here we are, Chi Town. We did it. We came a long way. We’re here. I’m so happy to be back in this city. I’m back home. It’s amazing. I’m feeling the vibe again. You know what I mean? I took a walk around the lake. I was listening to conversations, two guys arguing, yelling at each other with that thick Chicago accent. You know, that… Ah, Chicago. It’s Chicago. ‘A’ s are ahs. Chi-cah-go. And Ts are Ds. Over dere in Chi-cah-go. You know that? ‘A’s, ahs, T, Ds, everyone’s racist. It’s such a good city. What a city. I heard two men fighting. Two men were in an argument, in just a verbal argument, not anything bigger than that, just arguing, and the one guy goes, ‘You know what? Why don’t you suck my dick?’ And the other guy goes, ‘Pfft! You suck my dick.’ And I was like, ‘Hey, suck each other’s dicks, man.’ That would’ve been a fight to see, huh? Comes up like, ‘You motherfucker.’ Finish him. Finish him. We got to stop saying it like that. Guys have to stop saying it like that ’cause girls are gonna start believing it. It has a negative connotation when you say that. You go, ‘Suck my dick.’ We say it negative. Suck my dick. You say it like it’s a bad thing. It’s the best thing in the world. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We should say it nice. You should go, ‘Hey! ‘Suck my dick, please, if you have time. ‘If you don’t, it’s not a big deal. I would love it a lot.’ I’m proud of being from this town. I love this town. I miss it a lot. It’s where my family is from. My family’s still here. It’s great to come home, see my parents. They’re getting older, which is weird. That’s a hard thing, to see your parents get older… Like, honest older, You know when your parents just say shit that when you were a kid, you were like, ‘Oh, you never used to say shit like that when I was a kid.’ Like, my mom was like, ‘Well, I’m gonna leave the house. What are you gonna do for the weekend?’ And my dad was watching TV, and he turns, and he goes, ‘Eat steak, watch porn.’ I applaud the honesty out of that guy, really sharp. I appreciate that. Tell her the truth, man. They’re getting older. You know what I mean? They get older, but I love that about these people. They’re fantastic. They raised me. I mean, did they raise me correctly? I don’t know. Maybe not. I grew up here in downtown Chicago for half of my life in Chicago. In the second half, we moved to the western suburbs, right? We moved to the suburbs ’cause my sister was born, and my parents were like, ‘I’ m not gonna fuck up two of them. ‘We can’t do that. One’s good. We’ll fuck up one. That’s okay.’ We moved to the western suburbs, you know, to try to better the life of all of us, but, like, I still realize sometimes how, like, my mom used to fuck with us subtly. Like, my mom is crazy. She’s a crazy person in the best way, but she would, like, lay it in real slow. Like, my parents were somewhat religious, right? You know, I mean, Irish Catholic kind of. You know what I mean? Like, somewhat in, you know what I mean? They’re, like, in the hot tub maybe. But she used to do this thing. She used to make me say, every single night before I went to bed, ‘Now I lay me down to sleep.’ Do you know that? Does anybody know that? I used to have to say this. I used to have to repeat this. I ‘d say,’ Now I lay me down to sleep. ‘I pray the Lord my soul to keep, ‘and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.’ I would say that before bed, which is a really fucked-up thing… for a child to say out loud. If I die before I wake up? I’m six. I’m gonna die in the middle of the night, and God’s gonna leave my body, take my soul, but be like, ‘Body’ s good. Leave the body. It’s fine. Leave it.’ What’s going on? Crazy person. I love her. She’s the best in the world. I had Irish Catholic guilt. I had so much Irish Catholic guilt when I was a kid, I used to flip a coin to determine whether or not I was gonna masturbate that day. You think I’m kidding? I would take a quarter. I would go, ‘Heads, yes, tails, no.’ I’d flip it, I’d get tails, and I’d go, ‘Ah, best two out of three. We got to go again. Let ‘s see what happens.’ He didn’t beat me, never won. That’s how heavy my guilt was. Seriously, that’s how, like, in my head I was about that God-is-watching-you type of stuff. Like, my mother used to let us not lock the doors. She was against it. She was like, ‘You don’ t lock the doors inside of the house. ‘If you’ re locking the doors inside of the house, it means you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing.’ Yeah, that’s why we lock the doors. Don’t come in here. I’m pulling on my body. Get out of here. Leave me alone, lady. That’s how I realized the guy that invented locks inside of a house must’ve been caught masturbating by his wife one too many times. He was sick of it. He was sick of it. He’s like, ‘You know what? That’s it. I’m gonna put locks inside the house.’ She ‘s like,’ Michael, what are you doing? ‘We have locks on the outside of the house ‘to keep criminals from coming inside. There’s no criminals inside of this house.’ Yes, there are, Karen, and they’re robbing me of my freedom. Let me pull on my body in peace. Leave me alone, Karen. Anyway, I love being from this city, and now I live in Los Angeles, California. I live on the other side of this great country. I like it out there. It’s okay. It’s a second home for me. It takes some getting used to. It’s a little bit difficult, but the big difference is, like, when I come back home, you know, like, all my mom wants to do is talk about, like, the weather. Like, that’s a big thing. My mom is like, ‘How is the weather in California? Is it nice like this?’ It’s like, ‘Yeah, it’s better than this. That’s why I’m out there. What are you talking about?’ It’s always better. It’s always better. It is. There’s a lot of stuff that isn’t better, but the weather’s always gonna be better, and she loves bringing up the ‘feels like’ meter. You know what that is? The news guy. The news guy’s like, ‘It’s 62. Feels like 68.’ That’s Midwest hope. That’s hope circulating in your body. It’s the greatest lie ever told. Who’s the ‘feels like’ guy? I want that job. If that’s a job, I want it tonight. I’ll drop this bullshit gig and go do that tonight. The ‘feels like’ guy… Greatest gig ever. Here in the studio, it’s 62 on the barometer. We’re gonna go live to Andrew Santino. Andrew, what does it feel like? How’s it going, news team? Like 67. Right back to you guys. Back to you guys, man. It’s nice, really nice out. It’s crazy, man, ’cause the weather here fluctuates so much. Like, when I come back, you’re never surprised. Like, you’re never surprised by anything in Chicago, but, like, who I feel bad for when I come back is the homeless people. I always feel bad for homeless here, man. Like, I don’t feel bad for homeless people in L.A. People can get mad at me for saying that. I don’t give a shit. They’re awful human beings, these L.A. homeless people. They’re terrible. They’re terrible people. I feel bad for Chicago homeless, right? Because they die in the winter, and they die in the summer. They’re never not dying. They’re always dying. There’s, like, a week when it’s like, ‘We might make it,’ and that’s it, and they bucket-drum their way through that week. Soldiers, man. So I feel bad for homeless people in Chicago, from my heart, ’cause this is my home. So, when I come home, I give money. I gave money today to a homeless guy. I’m not lying. I gave money to a homeless guy ’cause I feel bad for him. I know what he’s got to go through. I gave that money to that guy, right? And I’ll always do that, but I also want to look him in the eye and go, ‘Hey, start walking south. You have nothing to do tomorrow. What are you doing here? You have something on your calendar? You don ‘t have a calendar.’ You can air-fistfight dragons all over this great country. I’m sure there’s half-smoked cigarettes strewn across this great land. I mean, the wind is their therapist. That’s all over the place. They can move about, man. You know the birds? You know those things? You know those guys? When they leave, follow those guys. Birds are born instinctively knowing, when it gets cold, to be like, ‘Oh, let’ s get the fuck out of here. ‘It’ s cold. Let’s leave. This is ridiculous. Why are we here? This is ridiculous.’ But I don’t feel bad for homeless people in Los Angeles at all… I really don’t. I don’t. I don’t feel bad for them. Some people are like, ‘Oh, that’s kind of mean.’ I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit, ’cause I live amongst these people, and they’re rude. They’re rude. You know why they’re rude? ‘Cause they made it. They’re at the promised land. It’s 72 degrees outside. You know what it is inside my place? Seventy-two. Who pays for that? I do. Fuck those guys. They won the lottery. They sleep on the beach. I came out of a restaurant, right? I came out of a restaurant. When I first moved there, I had no money. I had zero money. Came out of a restaurant, had some leftovers, went up to a homeless guy, said, ‘Hey, sir, I got some leftovers. Would you like this?’ Okay? I’m on a date, in front of a lady. Would you like this, sir? And the homeless guy looks up at me, and he says, ‘What’s in it?’ And I looked at him, and I said, ‘Tomorrow.’ Another day on this earth. What are you, gluten-free? Eat the food. You’re cock-blocking me, man. I’m trying to smash a five. Help me out. What are you doing? Why are you doing this? Times are tough. Who are you? But I like it. It’s my second home. This is my first home. L.A.’s my second home, and I do like it. There is things about it that I like. I live now in Los Angeles in a neighborhood called West Hollywood. West Hollywood is a gay neighborhood. It’s kind of like up here. It’s like where we are right now, Boystown. I like the gay neighborhood. The gay neighborhood is the best neighborhood. I’ve ever lived in in my life. It’s safe. It’s beautiful. I love it. I love it. You get in where you fit in, and I fit into that neighborhood, okay? I’m not gay, Dad, but… I’m down to live around gay people. They keep it clean and safe. I’ve never been attacked once in my neighborhood, and by the way, if I did get attacked, I would love to be attacked. What a beautiful way to walk home. A guy leaps out of a bush. Where are you going? Where are you going? Where? Where? Gives me outfit tips. They can fly, you know. I have a lot of gay friends because of that. They’re people just like you and me. There’s nothing different. There’s nothing different about that neighborhood. It’s cleaner and safer, and I fucking love it. The only difference is, I got a big beard. I’ve had big beard. I got to keep a big beard for a while. And that’s okay. Gay guys love guys with beards. Why? I don’t know. It’s a thing. It’s an underbelly thing. It’s on the Internet. Look it up. And I often get hit on. I get hit on a lot, okay? I get hit on way more in the gay community than in the straight community, and I’m okay with that. It’s a confidence booster, fellas. It feels nice. But I’ve lived in a gay neighborhood for so long that now I’m picky about what gay guy hits on me. A gay guy hollers at me, and I’m like, ‘All right, you couldn’t handle it, dude. ‘You couldn’ t handle it. Too tight, too tight. ‘Keep walking, man. Pinch it right off. Get up out of here, man.’ Couldn’t have it. That’s some true shit. You got to be careful of social cues. Social cues mean a lot, right? And guys are stupid. Men are stupid. We’re stupid people by nature. We’re just dumb. We don’t give a shit, by the way, when girls are like, ‘Men are dumb.’ I don’t care. You think I care you think I’m dumb? I don’t give a shit. I know I’m dumb. It feels really good. Try going out your day without talking about a relationship. That’s what you guys do all day. It’s like, ‘I heard he was with her, but then she was’… And we just walk around like… It’s great. It’s fantastic. I don’t worry about shit. It makes my day so much easier, but guys are idiots, and I’m proud to be an idiot. But social cues amongst men are interesting because you got to be careful what you do in my neighborhood, right? Like, in my neighborhood, it’s a little bit different, ’cause when I walk down the street and I see another guy, right, I do this thing. If I see you, and I walk down the street, right, we pass each other, and I go like this, what do you do? If I go like… Yeah, you dude me right back, right. You dude me right back. He dudes me. We dude it. Hey, dude it. We dude it. Do we know why we dude? No. Zero clue. We walk around like pigeons all day like, ‘Hey, hey.’ We don’t give a shit. I do it to black guys to show them that I’m not a pussy. I go, ‘Hey, what’ s up? We good, we good? ‘We’re good. I’m good with the black guy. ‘In case a fight breaks out, we got a black guy. ‘We’ re good. We got one. We’re good, we’re good. We got him.’ I have no idea why we do that. We share genitalia. There’s no other reason that we do that to one another. But you can’t do that in my neighborhood ’cause it means something totally different… and it hurts. It hurts a lot. I like living there. I do like it. I really do. Like, I like living in Los Angeles. I like progressive culture, okay? I really do. I like the way that people think about other people as humans instead of a subset, right? This country got all up in arms. Everybody voted to make bathrooms gender-neutral. I don’t know if you know about that, but there was a big debate going on around this country about should we make bathrooms gender… Should we be able to let other people use bathrooms that didn’t initially have that genitalia, right? People that are transsexual. Should we let them use our bathrooms? Ooh, careful. Who knows what could happen? What could happen? Nothing. They’re gonna shit in your bathroom that you shit in. You think your bathroom’s that important, where you let go of all your fluids. You care that much about your fluids that you care who comes after. When I go in there, I ‘m like,’ Aah! ‘There better be someone else decent that comes in after me. ‘I don’ t want some transsexual coming in after that. Who knows what they ‘ll do?’ Who do you think you are? It was a big debate, gender-neutral bathrooms. And I’m all for it. Bathrooms are bathrooms. I don’t give a shit who uses my bathroom after me. Use it. You got to go, go ahead. Use the bathroom, man. It’s a good thing. For years, I was sick and tired of going to a bar and seeing girls cut the bathroom line when theirs are too long. They walk to the guys, and they go, ‘Hi, our line’ s too long. ‘Do you think me… Can we cut? Is this chill if we cut?’ I know that’s a stereotypical impression. I don’t give a shit. That’s real. ‘Can we cut?’ That’s real. And every asshole in line is like, ‘Yeah, go ahead.’ Also real, also real, also a real impression of us. You go like that. We go like that. Okay? So guys let them in, and I’m tired of that shit, ’cause we can’t use your bathrooms. Guys can’t use girls’ bathrooms at bars. You can use ours. Why can’t we use yours? The only thing I ever hear is, ‘Well, you pee on the seat.’ Do we? I don’t. I don’t pee on the seat. If you live with someone that pees on the seat, it’s ’cause they hate your fucking guts. They’re sending you a message. Oh, no, you get the groceries, Karen, you fucking bitch. Fucking asshole. He’s saying something to you. That’s between you two. What do you think? You think we walk in the bathroom, we just open it up, and let it go, and it’s, like, wherever it goes, it goes. I know where it goes. I got a laser pointer. I know precisely where it goes. Pff, right there. Pee on the seat. That’s amazing. It’s ridiculous. To me, I think the fix has always been remove the stalls from men’s bathrooms in bars. Remove them. Urinals or just holes in the ground, it doesn’t really matter. Guys will pee into anything. We don’t really give a shit. But get the stalls out of men’s bathrooms in bars because they shouldn’t be there in the first place, okay? They should never have been there, ’cause a girl can’t walk in now and use a urinal. Unless you can, ladies, and then I want to see it. If you can tippy-toe pee, I would love to see it. I don’t know if it’s this way or that way. I don’t know which way is better, but if you can do that, I want to check it out. But there shouldn’t be stalls in men’s bathrooms in bars in the first place, because who the fuck is pooping at the bar? You’re gonna poop at the bar? You’re gonna poop here? Steve, you’re gonna poop at the bar. The bar that we’re at, you’re gonna poop at this bar? You feel okay with that as a person, pooping at the bar? Okay, now I know who you really are. Pooping at the… Who are your friends? Who’s your family? Go home, you animal. What are you, you pig person? Poop at the bar? Are you out of your mind? You’re gross. You’re a gross human. You don’t poop at the bar. You man up if you have to poop. You man up if you have to poop. You finish your drink, pinch it off, and you walk home, so you can poop at the house naked like a grown-up… like a full-grown adult. If you’re pooping at the bar that I’m at and I see you doing that, I’m gonna walk in, look under, walk out, and go, ‘Hey, there’ s a guy pooping here ‘wearing blue Adidas. Blue Adidas, yeah. He ‘s pooping right now.’ And then leave you with your mistake. Why is everybody looking at my shoes? ‘Cause you pooped here, Mike. What’s wrong with you? Get your life locked up, pig. Go home, you pig. Say that next time you see someone pooping in a bathroom. Walk in and go, ‘Go home, you pig. You make me sick.’ Unbelievable, man, how we prote… We protect the bathrooms like they’re a big deal. Who gives a shit about the bathrooms? Dude, go to the bathroom. We protect bathrooms in this country like it’s something important. It’s remarkable to me. Sometimes you go to a restaurant, and you’re like, ‘Hey, can I get the key to the bathroom? It’s locked.’ They’re like, ‘Oh, yeah, we got the key. Here you go.’ It’s attached to a comically large ladle for no reason. You got a spoon on the goddamn thing. Now you got to take that in there, find a place for it. It’s gonna be a nightmare. Go ahead. You’re gonna hate every second of that. Why do we do that? We lock them. You keep the bathroom under lock and key? You realize in every restaurant, every restaurant you can walk right in, go right into the kitchen? There’s no locks on a kitchen. Just walk in and go, ‘Hey, what’s up, you guys?’ Dunk your hand in some soup. More salt. Needs more salt. I got to go. I want to use the bathroom. You got the key? No. Get real. It’s a weird country, man. We live in a weird country. We live in a weird time. I didn’t want to talk about anything that’s going on right now, but because I got a lot of time, it’s the late show, I’ll do whatever the fuck I want. So let me say this. I’m proud to be from where I’m from, okay? I’m proud to be from Chicago, Illinois. I’m proud to be from the United States of America. I’m not trying to get on a patriotic kick. All I want to say is, we got some fucked-up things going on in our country. Times are really crazy. It’s unfortunate as fuck. It’s awful. People on both sides are blaming people on both sides, okay? I have cops that are in my family. Every cop is not a bad fucking person, and every person isn’t a bad person, right? These are the same fucking things. So don’t point fingers at either side. We need to be better people in general, across the fucking board. That’s it. That’s it. Good. I’m a… I’m a guy who recently, thankfully, found a woman who was dumb enough to stick around. Stupid girl, stupid girl. ‘Cause look at this, you know. Like, look at guys. You’re gross. Why would they even go for us? Why would a woman want to do stuff with you? You’re gross. You’re disgusting. Look at a naked woman. Take one look at a naked woman, right? Beautiful, symmetrical, hairless. What a creature. Whatever made it finely crafted it like a Ferrari, you know? Took time with it. And then they got to the guy, and they were like, ‘Ah, we ran out of time. ‘No, put the genitals on the outside. ‘It doesn’ t matter. ‘No one’ s gonna see. Who cares? ‘Hair? Throw some hair on it. Fine, throw some hair on it.’ It’s phenomenal. Every day we’ve fooled you. Like, we should wake up, guys, and just be like, ‘Ah, tricked them. ‘We tricked them again. We got away with murder.’ I don’t know how we ever convinced you to do anything in the first place. Kiss me where I pee? Kiss me where I pee? How? How? How? You know that place that you breathe and eat from? May I stuff my dick in there? Can I clog up your source of life with some flesh? Life, the life hole, can I just… Cork it? I want to cork it. I want to cork your life hole with my body. How on earth did you say yes? Cork it? It’s a remarkable thing, when you think about it. Like, how did we ever even start the sexual chemistry to even get to that level of doing stuff? Here you go. A guy can go to a bar. A single guy goes to a bar trying to pick up chicks. He can go out there and mumble around. I want to put my body in your body. That’s all he’s saying. Baseline level, I want to put my body in your body. Can we do that? You sound debonair at the bar. You ‘re like,’ Well, well, I work for an investment firm downtown.’ But what you’re really saying is, like, ‘I want to put my body in your body. I’d like to put my body inside of your body.’ That’s all it is. You’re not that cool. You’re just trying to put some of your body in someone’s body. You got a gap. I got a wedge. Can we do the thing when I put the thing in the thing? That’s it. Think about that… That’s a hard thing to do, to go out to a bar and convince a girl I’m the guy that you want to do things with. Think about how hard it was for us to start that. How did we start that? How did a caveman ever get to that point with a cave woman? How did a caveman say that when there was no language, no communication skills? First of all, when you were a caveman, you just stood around with your buddies, mumbling. That’s it. There’s really nothing going on, just a lot of… Then one of you, out of nowhere, would just get an erection. Explain that to the crew. All your buddies are mad. Hey! They don’t like it pointing at them. You got to be a nonverbal dick salesman, going up to women like… What are you selling? She doesn’t know. You can’t say it. Who said yes? The slowest girl in the pack… on a bad leg she was lugging around. Okay, okay. Okay. How did that happen? The guy that convinced a girl to do that for the first time invented fire and the wheel that afternoon. It was like… Everything clicked. I got it. Everything made sense. I would’ve loved to see the first caveman to discover pulling out. That would’ve been amazing. Right? The first guy that’s like… That’s how all that shit on the wall got started. They were like… What, do you think that was ink? That was no ink. It’s jizz symbols. How great is that fucking thing? My buddy’s an artist, and I was like, ‘I want a fucking papa bear ‘with a cubby bear with a Blackhawks headdress, ‘and I want him wearing Jordans for the Bulls ‘and white socks, and I want him eating deep dish and drinking a beer.’ And my buddy smoked enough pot as I did, and he came up with this. So it was fucking pretty amazing. The Chicago flag, yeah. Cool. It’s cool. We got a lot of pride in this town, so we should. You know what I mean? You can’t fuck with us. Come fuck with us. Where’s my crane camera? Come fuck with us, rest of the United States. Where the fuck are you guys at? Come to Chicago. Rip your fucking throats out. I’m gonna get murdered on the road in Cincinnati in, like, three months. Shit. No, I got a lady. I got a lady this year. I got locked up. I got married this year, which was great. It was a great thing. Don’t clap for that. Please don’t clap for that shit ’cause it eggs her on, and I don’t need that. No, I got married, and it was great. It was very fun. We had a good time. Yeah, it was fun. Thanks a lot. Cool. It was cool, it was cool. She came up to me at the jump, and she was like, she ‘s like,’ What do you think about doing, like, bachelor, bachelorette parties, like, all that stuff?’ We didn’t talk about, like, really any of that stuff. We really kind of didn’t really get into the nitty-gritty, and I was like, ‘Well, whatever you want to do.’ She was like, ‘Do you want to have a bachelor party?’ And I was like, ‘I don’ t know. ‘Like, I do stand-up for a living, ‘so, like, it’ s just always kind of a fucking bachelor party. My life is kind of a bachelor party.’ I was like, ‘No, I’m good.’ You know what I mean? Like, I just took my best friend for his bachelor party, and I was like, ‘That’s good enough for me.’ I was like, ‘You can do a bachelorette party. Don ‘t feel like you can’t.’ She was like, ‘Are you cool with it?’ I was like, ‘I promise. I’m totally cool with it. Whatever you want to do, you ‘re good. Do it.’ She was like, ‘Okay, trust me. It ‘ll be classy.’ That’s some dumb shit. Girls are like, ‘It’ s gonna be classy. ‘The bachelorette party… It’s gonna be cla… I promise. We won’t be as crazy as you think we’re gonna be.’ She was like, ‘We’ re going to Northern California ‘to a vineyard. We ‘re gonna do wine tasting.’ So in girls’ brains, they think that we think that that’s nice and sweet, but I know the truth. I know they’re not wine tasting. I know they’re blacking out on wine. I know they’re getting purple toothed out, Charlie Chaplain-ing around town like… I know. I know what you’re doing, looking like Grimace. I know. I know. Lie to me, you drunks… trying to pretend like… We pretend like wine is so sophisticated. It’s still booze. Stinky-foot grapes, that’s all it is. Go on a vineyard tour with her girlfriends. See, ’cause here’s the thing about bachelorette parties. I’m sure every girl in this room is a wonderful human being. I’m sure you’re all stand-up citizens until you get in a bachelorette party, and then you’re a piece of shit. Then you’re a piece of shit. Then you storm around town like, ‘Look at us, penises everywhere. ‘Penises on our body. ‘Penis necklace. These are dick-laces. ‘These are dick necklaces. This is a dick hat. ‘These are dick glasses. They’re dick shoes. ‘Look at it. It comes. This one comes. ‘It comes out of that shoe. When I go like that, it comes.’ What’s wrong with you? Who are your parents? Shame on you, these women who walk around town doing that shit. It’s unbelievable… Bachelorette parties that take over every bar they go to, screaming. These bitches work in HR during the day, but at night… they’re just like, ‘Penis, penis, penis. Penis, penis, penis, penis.’ Who are your parents? Shame on you. You realize some little kid in China has to make those penis molds? Some little kid in China is pressing penises, penis sunglasses, so you can go out like, ‘Cocks, cocks on my head.’ You psycho. That’s where guys beat you. That’s, like, the one spot we beat you. We may be dumber than you, but we beat you there. We beat you by a landslide, because I have never been to a bachelor party where they’re like, ‘Santino, you ready to go? Put on your pussy costume. Let ‘s go.’ I put one on like… ‘Come on, let’ s go. ‘Get mine wet. Steve, get mine wet. ‘Get it wet. Get the clit wet. ‘Go. Get it wet. This is what we want.’ ‘Vaginer.’ We beat you. So we went and got married out of the country. We went to Costa Rica. We went down to Costa Rica. It was great. Central America, beautiful place. Costa Rica is amazing. We loved it. It was fantastic. I didn’t know that racism is everywhere. I had no idea, but it is, but it really fucking is. Here we are in our hotel, two men are in a fight with one man, two guys on one, two on one, working this dude, and I look out the window, and I’m like, ‘Oh, my God, what happened?’ To the local guy. And the local guy, who we know, who we’re buddies with, is like, ‘Oh, yeah, the fight?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, what happened?’ I’m ready for the story. And he ‘s like,’ Okay, you see this guy on the ground? ‘You see him on the ground, ‘this guy who they kick in the face? ‘You see him? ‘You know, this guy on the ground they kick in the teeth. You see him?’ I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, what is that?’ And he goes, ‘Oh, yeah, this guy, this guy on the ground, he ‘s from Panama.’ What? ‘He’ s from Panama. Panama, the country. Panama.’ That’s it? That was as deep as the well got dug. ‘He’s from Panama.’ That’s it. I was like, ‘But how did the fight… Like, how did you… How did the fight happen?’ He goes, ‘Oh, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí. ‘Okay, so this guy on the ground, ‘he cut off this guy in traffic, ‘and he says to him, ‘Hey, what the fuck?’ ‘And this guy, he says, ‘Hey, man, fuck you.’ ‘So this guy, he gets out of his car, ‘and he says, ‘Mm-mm, fuck you.’ ‘So then they yell at each other. ‘So this guy say fuck you. ‘This guy, fuck you. This guy, fuck… So both of these guys are fucking you right now.’ I was like, ‘No one’ s fucking me. What are you talking about?’ ‘And then his friend, he hear him from across the street, ‘and his friend, he says, ‘Hey, what happened?’ ‘He says, ‘He said, fuck you.’ ‘He says,’ Ah, fuck you.’ ‘He says, ‘Fuck you.’ He says. ‘Fuck you.’ He fuck… these guys over here are fucking you.’ ‘And the one guy, he says to him… ‘Before he fight with him, he says, ”Hey, motherfucker, where are you from?’ ‘And this guy, he says, ‘Panama.’ ‘And, uh… That ‘s it for him.’ Other than that, it was a beautiful country, man. It was gorgeous, man. We did so much white-people shit. It was unbelievable. You know what white-people shit is. Everybody in here knows it, right? It’s, like… We went zip-lining. It’s, like, white-water rafting, all that white-people… White-water rafting is white-people shit. It’s called white-water rafting. It’s ours. That’s some white-people shit. You’ll never, ever see a black guy white-water rafting, skydiving, drinking coffee. That’s just not what they do. It’s not what they do. Skydiving, all that shit. Black guy, do you go skydiving? Never in your fucking life, man. No way. Never in your life. Rock climbing? No way. White-water rafting? No. None of the above. Do you even like coffee? I do like coffee. Oh, come on, man. What did he say? I like it black. You like it black. I get that. I get that. You can have that. Take it black. Take it black. So he knows what I’m talking about. He knows. I went to college with… One of my closest friends in college was this dude we lived with, and he would always make fun of me. He ‘s like,’ You’re doing some white-people shit, Red. You on some white-people shit right now.’ I was like, ‘I’m taking out the trash.’ He’s like… ‘That’s the type of shit I’m talking about, motherfucker. ‘Just throw that shit outside, bitch. ‘White-people shit! ‘What you doing, dishes, motherfucker? You white-ass motherfucker.’ What you doing, laundry, you Charmin-ass motherfucker? You Charmin’… I did so much white-people shit in Costa Rica. It was bananas. I loved it, though. I love being a tourist. Like, that’s the fucked-up thing about Americans. We don’t want to be tourists. Why not? Why are we so afraid of being tourists? I’ll do that zip-line dork-ass shit. Give me the helmet. I love that. How much is the picture? $1,000? I don’t give a shit. I’ll pay for that, plan for it. Come on, man. Give me that dork tourist shit. We’re so afraid as Americans to be tourists. Yet for some reason, tourists come here. They’re not afraid to be tourists. You can go to Michigan Avenue right now. There’s a cute little Italian couple that’s like, ‘Mi scusi, mi scusi, mi scusi. The water tower, the water tower.’ And you ‘re like,’ Ah, come here. Let me lie to you. Come here, come here, come here.’ Let them be tourists, man. Be a tourist. Be a tourist. All I’m saying is, stop being such a liar. Be who you really are. You’re out of the country. Be out of the country, man. There’s nothing wrong with that, you know. Here’s why. Every time I’ve ever been to a Spanish-speaking country, there’s always one guy in the crew, one dude who’s like, ‘Hey, I got us. I can take us around. ‘I speak a little bit of Mexican. ‘We’ re gonna be good. We ‘ll be good.’ You speak Mexican, Brad? I speak Mexican, dog. I got us. Don’t sweat it, man. I took 101 in high school. We’re gonna be straight. And you’re like, ‘All right, man. I can’t wait.’ You walk into a restaurant. I say the truth. I walk in, I go, ‘Hello, American, americano, ‘American, ready to be ripped off. Look at me.’ ‘Cause I don’t give a shit. How much is that Coke? Seven? Thought it was ten. You can’t fuck me. You can’t fuck me. I planned for that. You cannot fuck me. But he walks in. Brad walks in, talking Mexican like, ‘Hola, seniors. Hola, seniors.’ He thinks he’s the shit. Brad walks in heavy, and the staff looks at him like, ‘Okay, okay, okay, okay. ¿Habla español, señor? ¿Habla español? ¿Habla español?’ Sí, sí, sen-yours. Sí, sí, sen-yours. Ha-blah a-spaniel. Ha-blah a-spaniel. Ha-blah a-spaniel. And they ‘re all like,’ Okay. ‘Hmm. Good, good, good. That’s good, good. That’s good.’ And they just machine-gun Spanish at his fucking head until you see him go, ‘Oh, fuck. ‘There’s no bibliotecain there. Where’s the ban-yo? I don’t know any of those words.’ Brad looks like an asshole. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying my plate of rice and ‘polo,’ having a great time… enjoying my life. I came back from Costa Rica. It was fantastic, and then we got into that, like, all the marriage discussion shit. She was like, ‘What do you want to do about the last name?’ I was like, ‘I don’ t know. I mean, I don’t really care. I don’t think I really care.’ I was like, ‘I mean, what do you want to do?’ She’s like, ‘Well, do you want me to take your last name?’ And there’s a part of you that’s like, ‘No, man, it’s cool.’ Then there’s a part of you that’s like, ‘Yeah, you got to take the last name.’ It’s some male-ego bullshit, but that’s the truth of the situation. Like, it doesn’t really mean much. Like, what are last names anyway? I don’t really know. We don’t really know, you know. Last names… you used to give to somebody ’cause it represented land, right? You had some land. You get some land to give. Like, ‘This will all be yours one day.’ That doesn’t mean shit nowadays. I can’t be like, ‘Son, this condominium will be yours when I die.’ Who gives a shit, right? There’s not much to it. You know, it really doesn’t mean much. But it’s strange when I think about, like, white people’s last names, like, where our last names came from. A lot of times, it used to be your occupation, right? Like, I meet a guy… Kevin Blacksmith. His great-great-great-great- grandfather was a blacksmith. Dave Shoemaker, his great-great-great-great- grandfather was a shoemaker. But it’s weird when you meet a white guy named Eric Lynch… ‘Cause you’re like, ‘Your great-great-great-great- grandfather was a bad person.’ Switch it up, dog. But last names are kind of bullshit. You know know what I mean? They mean whatever they want and whatever you want them to mean, and so she said, ‘What do you want to do?’ I said, ‘How about we just go with whosever last name is cooler?’ Right, whosever’s is cooler. She was like, ‘Cooler?’ I was like, ‘Yeah,’ ’cause in my head, I knew it was already game over. I was like, ‘Jordan, buckets.’ I knew it was over. I knew it was over. She wasn’t fucking with Santino. What a cool-ass name, Santino. Three syllables… San, unh, ti, got you, oh. That’s what’s up. I had it. It was in the bag, man. It was in the bag. It was game over. Jordan. It was game over, but then she was like, ‘Oh, you think your last name is that much cooler?’ I said, ‘Yeah.’ Her last name was Eichelberger. You want me to say it again? Eichelberger. And she’s like, ‘What’s wrong with that?’ I was like, ‘What’ s right with that shit? What are you talking about, lady?’ She’s like, ‘It’s not that big of a deal.’ I said, ‘Well, it’s like part of the Third Reich.’ I’ll have to walk into restaurants, like… ‘We’ re here for the Eichelberger party, ‘the party of two. ‘There is two of us at the party. ‘We would like the table in the back of the room. ‘In the back of the room, ‘behind the air-conditioning, please. Thank you.’ Anyway, she’s a Santino now. Yeah. We got into a thing, ’cause I was… I feel like I’m watching too much porn lately, if I’m just being real with you guys. We’re getting real. It’s a late-night show. I was watching too much porn. Porn is bad. It’s a bad thing. It’s really addictive. It is. It truly is. I think it’s not my fault, though. I think it’s access… access, too much access. In your pockets, there’s a phone, right? In there is all the porno… All of it… all of it that we make. All of it that we make, you guys. If I had three seconds inside of a time machine, I would ‘zorb’ myself to when I was 14, for three seconds, and just go… ‘In the future, all the porno’s in your pocket,’. And get out… and blow my mind. Just… semen everywhere. Oh, my God. I’m waiting for this JPEG to load. Come on, man. That’s crazy. That is crazy to think about. It really is too much access. Like, I can’t walk past a laptop without being like… ‘Ah, this is Best Buy. I got to go.’ The Blue Shirts, they don’t like that. You know what I mean? They get weird. We’ve seen so much of it. The problem is… With porn is, it’s got this stigma where we think we can emulate that stuff. Like, you think you’re like them. You’re not like them. Those are pros, man. Those are pros. I got envy. I have envy, envy. The way that these men throw a rope is remarkable. They just… It takes off. It’s got loft. Are you kidding me? I’m lucky if mine comes out. It’s like a pensive army. It gets to the surface, and it ‘s like,’ No, no. Go back, go back.’ And when it does come out, it’s late for the party. It has nonalcoholic beer. It’s like, ‘Sorry. We’re here.’ My wife… one night she was like, ‘Oh, come on my tits.’ I was like, ‘Oh, I’ll never make it up there.’ It’s so far. It’s too far. Maybe your belly button, max… if I really put in the work. I’ll tell you what I’ve been watching a lot of. I’ve been watching a lot of black porn, lots of black porn. Blackblack. Too. Like, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Deep chocolate, 99% cacao chocolate. Sexy. No milk. Get out of here, milk chocolate. No time for you. Chocolate, chocolate. I love watching black porn, love watch… For one fundamental reason. The guys get to wear shoes… on their feet. Men wear shoes on their feet. If you know anything about how shoes and pants work, anything at all, you know that these men took off their shoes, took off their pants and underwear, and then put back on their shoes. Come on. You did it again, black people. Numero uno. I got the envy, man. It’s a bad thing. It really is. It’s a bad thing. We need to clean up our minds, clean up our life. You know what I mean? Get clean, clean living. Eat a smoothie, take a walk. It’s difficult, man. It’s difficult to do. People always… like, listen, I try to work out. I’m trying to be in shape. I’m trying to do all that stuff. It’s a hard thing to do. You know, fast food, going to get fast food always reminds me of what it was like when I was single, going to a one-night stand. It was like the same thing, like the exact same feeling. You’ll be looking on Google Maps to try to find out if that fast-food joint’s open, right? You’re like, ‘You up, McDonald’s? You up?’ You send a late-night text, like, ‘What’ s up, girl? ‘You up? What’s up, McDonald’s? ‘You up? What’s up, Mac D’s? Is you up, playboy? Give me them nuggets.’ She’s like, ‘Uh-huh.’ McDonald’s is like, ‘You know it.’ You cruise over there, and on the way, you’re like, ‘Ooh, it’ s gonna be good. ‘I know what I get at this location. ‘This is my favorite spot to go to at this time of night. That number two is my spot right now.’ That’s a butt joke. You get over there, and you eat that. You devour that McDiesel’s. Just like that, you’re like… Devour it. And when you’re done, you get in the car and cruise home… Same feeling. Cruising home, and you’re like… ‘I’m a bad person, man.’ Sad. I had to cut that out. I had to cut it out, man. I’m trying to stay healthy. I’m trying to fit into my own skin. That’s really what it is. You know, I’m trying to feel good about myself. It’s a confidence thing about people. You want to feel confident and cocky, but, like, not too much. Like, I had my ego tested. I got into a car accident. A man hit me. A man hit me. I was at a red light. A man hit me, okay? Red light, skrrr, man, bmm-bmm-bmm, hit me, and I got out of my car. He got out of his car, and I went to say something. Before I could say anything, he goes, ‘Hey, what the fuck?’ And I said… ‘That’ s my line. ‘I say that. That’s me. ‘I’m doing… That’s what I do. You say, ‘I’m sorry,’ I feel like.’ He was a big-ass dude. He was big, jacked up, and he had tattoos up to his face? Question mark. You good, bro? On your face? You cashed out? You got cancer? What’s up? On your face? I feel like that’s some, like, ‘I don’t give a… ‘Whatever, bro. Go ahead. It’s done. ‘I don’ t give a shit. ‘I’ ve been collecting Marlboro miles for years. I ‘ll cash out.’ On your face? So I had no way to win this war. This dude was in my face. I had no… I was backed up. I was like, ‘Whatever, man.’ And in that moment, I was like, ‘I can’ t win this argument with this dude. I can ‘t beat him physically.’ But I was like, ‘If I had a superpower right now, ‘you know, it wouldn’ t be to, like, fly or be invisible. I would love to be able to throw acne on somebody.’ Right? He’s all, ‘Fuck you.’ I’m like, ‘Fuck me? Fuck you, man.’ No! Hit him all over the body, shoulder, bacne. Hit him with the bacne. Hit him with the kn-acne, that knee acne. Light him up, light him up. Scar him physically and emotionally, send him home like that for a couple of weeks, depending on the topical cream. Let it sit. Let it sit. If you’re not laughing at that, you didn’t have acne when you were a kid. I had really bad acne when I was a kid, man. It was so bad. It was so bad. Like, acne is, like, the sole reason I questioned God. I’m like, ‘What up, dude? What’s the deal? ‘Where are you at on this one, player? This is ridiculous.’ Here you are, 13, 14 years old. You’re the ugliest version of yourself. Look at photos of you at 14. TBT them on Instagram, and you’re like, ‘Ooh, tough-looking kid.’ You’re ugly, bro. You are ugly at 14. Teenagers are so gross to look at, hard to see. They’re hard to see, bro. They’re skinny. Their voices are crackling. They’re wobbling all over like little skinny baby giraffes, just hungry and horny like… Nasty-looking crea… They look like Tim Burton cartoons. They’re barely alive. You are nasty as a child. And you’re telling me at this vulnerable point in your life, God is gonna be like, ‘You know what? ‘I’ m gonna put some red pus bumps on his face. Pus bump his face up.’ I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand it. I had it so bad. I had to go on Accutane. You used to have to sign a form that said. ‘I can die from this medication.’ What’s up, guys? What are we saying? I can die from this medi… I can die from this medication. And I was underage, so I had a legal guardian. So my mother had to sign it. I was 16. I’ll never forget. They slipped the sheet to my mother, and she looked at it, and then she looked at me. Yeah. Yeah, this is… it’s… it’s better than your face. It doesn’t really matter. You’re an ugly kid. You’re ugly. It’s… it’s for you. I had it so bad. I had acne so bad when I was young. When I was in high school, I played basketball for a couple years at my high school until I found out about drugs, and I was like, ‘See you later, basketball.’ Ah, true story. But I played basketball for a little while. When I played basketball, I made the JV team pretty early on, and we played in a summer league, okay? In the summer league, you had to play all the other schools that you were going to play in that regular season, and I’ll never forget. We went out to West Aurora to go play these guys, and they were supposed to beat us. They were, like, a really good school, right? They were really good. They were an all-black school. We were a some-black school. They were gonna beat us. Bottom line, they were gonna win. And we went out there, and we beat the shit out of these guys. I had the game of my life. I dropped four points. I was on fire. If you know anything about high-school basketball, four points is like, whoa. What are you, MVP? Final score, 12-2. It was a blowout. I mean, we went out there. I had a great game. I was on cloud nine. I felt like a king. Then I left, and I went out to the hallway to go get a drink of water. I’m getting a drink of water, bending down by the water fountain to have a drink of water. A little black kid, like, eight years old walks in the hallway. Comes up to me and goes, ‘Hey, yo, white boy. White boy.’ I go, ‘What’s up?’ You’re pretty good, man. Oh, thanks, man. He goes, ‘For a white boy.’ And I was still like, ‘Thank you. I appreciate that.’ I’ll take it. Then he goes, ‘All right, man.’ I go, ‘All right, man.’ He walks away. Felt good. Go down to get some more water. He gets to the doorway. He stops… real Forest Whitaker-style. He turns around and goes, ‘Hey, yo, white boy.’ I say, ‘What’s up, man? What up?’ He goes, ‘What the fuck is all over your face?’ That still hurts today. I’m in my 30s. That cut went all the way to the bone. You know what I mean? Then I walked up to him slowly, and I said, ‘Well, this is what happens when your dad sticks around.’ No, I didn’t say that. That’s a joke, man. No, I called him the N word. Then I got out of there as fast as I could. No, stop it. I cried on the bus, man. I cried on the bus. Got to have a sense of humor, man. But I always loved black people. I always did. I really did. I still do. I still do love black people, man. I think they’re fantastic human beings. Black people always accepted me. Black people really did. White people never liked me. White people don’t like redheads for some reason. There’s this thing. White people see redheads, and they’re like, ‘What do we do with it?’ They don’t like us. They don’t trust us. They make a day to kick us. Call us names… ‘You fire crotch, you ginger.’ They ask us stupid questions, like does the carpet match the drapes? A black guy’s never said that to me. White guys… ‘The carpet match the drapes, bud?’ And I’m always like, ‘Are you a grown-up asking ‘about my penis hair? ‘Is that the level that you’re on? ‘You’ re worried about my penis hair, dude. ‘If you must know, it’s hardwood floors. There ‘s no carpet there, bro.’ I clean it up. Go get you a little buzzer from Target and clean that shit up. You get under there. It’s like… It’s working overtime under there. That’s the no-fly zone, no-fly zone. It might die under there, like… I can’t, I can’t. White people never liked me. They never did. They always made fun of me. That’s a reality check. Now people are like, ‘Huh? What are you talking about?’ White people always made fun of redheads. Redheads are this outcast. We’re this weird minority for some reason, but black people always liked me. They really did. They took to me. Like, black people like white people with a deficiency. I’m like a dog with one bad leg. You know, white people don’t adopt that dog, but black people are like, ‘No, no, no. ‘He good, he good, he good. ‘He gonna be fine. Come here, Tripod. ‘He gonna be fine. Tripod. ‘Come here, Tripod. It gonna work out.’ That’s just the truth. It just made me feel normal when I was a kid. So I loved hip-hop culture. I loved everything all my black friends liked, so much so that in the ’90s, people used to say this word. People used to call me a ‘wigger.’ Do you remember that word? Don’t get uncomfortable. You all said it. You all said it. I don’t know why we got rid of it. It was hilarious. You should’ve stuck around for a while. People used to call me a ‘wigger.’ People used to say ‘wigger’ to me ’cause they thought it would hurt my feelings. They thought, like, that was a way to get my goat. You know what I mean? And I’ll never forget. I was on a basketball court the first time I heard it, and we had won this basketball game, and this dude from the losing team says… ‘Whatever, bro. That dude ain’t nothing but a wigger.’ And all my black friends heard it, and they were disappointed. They heard him say that, and they were like… That’s how they sound, like a train. They were like… When black guys are bummed out, it sounds like a train, just… Next stop, Sedgwick. But they were bummed out ’cause that was an attack, you know. They didn’t like that, but when I heard it, I heard it different, ’cause they were like, ‘That white dude ain’t nothing but a wigger.’ And I heard it, and I was like, ‘Oh… so close.’ How do I get that N? How do I get that N? These are Karl Kani jeans. This is a Perry Ellis shirt. Give it to me. I bought Timberland boots. Say it if you’re gonna say it, you racist motherfuckers. Say it. How do I get that, man? It was just me being real. That’s all that was. I wanted to be a black guy. I thought I was black. I thought I was a black guy. Even to this day, I still have a lot of black friends, and I got to tell you… Every time I talk to my black guy friends, I’m always like, ‘Hey, man, don’t date white girls.’ Don’t date white girls. Not ’cause I’m racist. I’m clearly not racist. I have black friends. I’m not a racist. I tell my black guy friends to not date white girls ’cause I genuinely care about the future of sports. That’s it. We don’t need any placekickers and long snappers. We want dunk contests, right? How do you get a Heisman? You know what I mean? Not from Jerome and Cassie. Jerome and Jaquanda… That’s how we’re gonna make a Heisman, two beautiful chocolate people making love under a beautiful chocolate rain shower while he’s got shoes on. We know the formula. We know the formula. Drake is the number-one dude in hip-hop. His name is Aubrey. Yeah! We let him get away with that. Drake’s name is Aubrey, and nobody said shit about it. Aubrey, number one in hip-hop. What’s his name, Aubrey? Got it. Okay, cool. We’re good. He had beef with Meek Mill. It was a big beef. You’re it. Tag, you’re it. You’re it. Tag. Remember real beef? You remember when hip-hop was, like, real beef? People hated each other. Tupac and Biggie hated each other so much, and they were best friends at one point. They had real beef so deep that Tupac started a song called ‘Hit ‘Em Up’… Before he started the lyrics, he goes, ‘So I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker.’ That’s what he said. You’re fat. Fucked your girlfriend. Okay, let’s go. Here we go. That’s crazy. That’s how much he hated that guy. That’s real beef. I feel like hip-hop has, like, dissipated, you know. It’s just, like, gone by the wayside, and I blame one person for the death of hip-hop. His name is Macklemore. That dude is the worst. That dude is the worst. Macklemore is at fault for all this shit going south. Macklemore is not hip-hop. You can like him, but he’s not hip-hop, okay? That’s pop. He talks about going downtown on a scooter with his pals. Come on, bro. What? You’re gonna go downtown with your buddies on a scooter, Macklemore? That’s not hip-hop. Hip-hop doesn’t go downtown. Hip-hop lives downtown, and it goes to the suburbs and robs those people and comes back downtown. It doesn’t go downtown. Talking about thrift stores. Fuck you, bro. Don’t fucking talk about discount clothing! No! I don’t want to hear that, man. I want to hear a rapper be like… And I’m like, ‘You got it, you got it.’ That’s what I want to hear, man. I want to hear Rick Ross be like… That’s what I want to hear. Get out of here, Macklemore. What’s wrong with you, bro? This guy’s bullshit. We can’t call him hip-hop. It’s crazy that he’s hip-hop, ’cause it’s not. It’s all some sensitive-ass shit. The thing that made me the most mad about Macklemore is he co-wrote this song he got a Grammy nomination for that arguably made him famous, right? It made him famous, right? It was called ‘Same Love.’ It was about same-sex marriage. Now, the song and the depth of the song I’m not against. I’m for same-sex marriage. I don’t give a shit who you want to marry, okay? You want to marry who you want to marry? Go crazy, man. You don’t fuck kids or animals, I don’t care. That’s it for me. No kids, no animals, we’re straight. You want to marry your toaster? Go crazy. Just don’t return that. I don’t want to buy that fucked toaster. So the song I’m okay with. It’s at the beginning of the song, the intro. He goes, ‘When I was in the third grade, I thought that I was gay.’ Remember this bullshit? I thought that I was gay. When I was in the third grade, I thought I was a gay person. That’s what he said. I thought I was one of you fellas. Thank God I’m not. I’m not, but I thought I was. I thought so. I hated that. I hated that ’cause they applauded him. They were like, ‘Oh, how bold. ‘How brave of Macklemore. ‘He thought he was a homosexual. ‘In third grade, he thought he was a homosexual. ‘He’ s not, which is good, but he thought he was. He thought he was a gay.’ And they thought that was, like, a risky thing to say… ‘I thought I was gay when I was in third grade.’ I hate that shit. You remember third grade? I do. Everybody was gay. Everybody in here in third grade was gay. You were all gay. I wore sweat pants. I played the recorder. I was very gay. I used to Rollerblade around my neighborhood, like, ‘Hey, fellas.’ I would fag out all day. Like… I was homosexual, bro. It wasn’t a question. It was a fact. That kid’s gay as shit. Little redhead gay kid skating backwards. I was gay, man. I was gay when I was in third grade. You were all gay in third grade. I would beg my mom to let me sleep at other boys’ houses every night of the week. I want to sleep at Billy’s. What are you doing over there? None of your business, Mom! Make the call, please! I was so gay in third grade. If another boy accused me of liking girls, I’d fucking murder that kid. Chicago, Illinois, I got to go. I’m Andrew Santino. Thank you so much, man. Thank you, guys. I love you, Chicago. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jeff-foxworthy-larry-the-cable-guy-weve-been-thinking-transcript/ | Jeff Foxworthy & Larry the Cable Guy: We’ve Been Thinking (2016) – Full Transcript | jeff foxworthy | When you start doing what Jeff and I do this is the kind of digs you get at these big events. Oh, that’s right. This room’s gotta be eight-by-eight. [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jeff Foxworthy! [crowd cheering and applauding] Thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? So awesome to be here, the beautiful Orpheum Theater in Minneapolis. Yeah, we’ve had such a ball here. And I’m so thankful you showed up tonight because we need you. Wait, we do, we call the thing the “We’ve Been Thinking” tour because as we think about stuff we either have to get a psychiatrist or we need you to help us work through it, all right? First example, and this one’s pretty recent, last Thursday. My brother lives next door to me. His oldest daughter is in medical school. She’s in her third year. So in your third year you have to do everything. And then in your fourth year you kinda specialize. So my brother told me, last Thursday, she called home to let him know that that day had been “prostate check day”. It gets better. There are 60 people in her class. They all checked the same guy. That’s why I need your help. This guy is rolled in a ball right here. And the guy told him. He said, he had been doing this for 40 years. And that over the last forty years he had his prostate checked thousands and thousands of times. I’m thinkin’, “You’re not doing this for the money, are you?” And here’s the deal. I don’t feel bad for him. He signed up for it. You know who I felt bad for? His mother. And I’ll tell you why, because every week this woman has to go out to lunch with her friends and her friends are like, “Well, Inez, what is Billy doing now?” “Well, he is working all the time but he said it is wearing his ass out.” And here’s the other thing I got to thinking about. You know, when they check it and– Maybe the women don’t know this but they got the glove on. And then they put that K– That jelly. Sixty applications of jelly! There is no way this guy can drive home from this event. He can’t stay on the seat, you know! It’s like… And he can’t walk home because if he farts, he’ll have a trail of bubbles behind him and little kids chasing him and trying to pop ’em. These are the kind of things we think about. Well, I haven’t decided if I’m running for president or not yet. I… I started to say I’m not qualified but this time around it doesn’t really matter, does it? Oh, my God! Well, here’s the deal. I mean, like all y’all, I watch this stuff every day, and it amuses me that all these candidates, they just keep promising people more and more and more. And as I watch it, I think, that’s not really the problem that we have in America. We don’t need more. We have so much stuff now, we can’t even enjoy the people we love. What we need is more common sense. And, seriously! So if I was running what I would do is use some common sense and start taking away some of the stupid stuff we don’t need. I call them “no-more’s.” Day number one, no more picking up dog poop. It’s embarrassing. We are the top of the food chain. No other animal picks up another animal’s poop. Monkeys pick up their own and throw it but they’re kind of the comedians of the animal world. And they’re just trying to make the school kids laugh. But they have a rule in my neighborhood. If you walk your dog and your dog does his business in somebody else’s yard, you need to get a little plastic bag, pick it up and dispose of it. So you drive through my neighborhood and there’s all these attractive women walking around with poo-poo-purses. And I know the dogs are confused. The dog’s like, “Wait a minute! You’re taking it back home? Why did we have to walk three blocks? I could have pooped in the living room, saved us both some embarrassment.” What a stupid rule! Why would they have us pick it up? It’s fertilizer. It makes the grass grow. Lord, it’s not like some child is gonna step in it. A kid hadn’t played in the yard since 1982! You know what’s sad? We have an entire generation that has no idea how to get dog poop off the bottom of their shoe. But when I was growing up we played in the yard every day. And every day somebody stepped in dog poop. And when it was your turn, you knew what to do about it. You would hobble over to the curb… and scrape the biggest part off on the edge of the curb. Then you would find a puddle and you would swirl the bottom of your shoe around in the puddle. Then limp over to the grass and do the brush-stroke, back and forth. Then you would find a little bitty piece of stick… and you would sit down on the curb and you would pick it out of the zig-zag pattern on the bottom. Then you wore those shoes to church the next day. And nobody in that church knew you had stepped in dog poop. So, no more, no more picking up dog poop. No more sugar-free cookies. It’s like going to the drive-in movie by yourself. You can do it but it ain’t ending in a smile. You’re an adult. If you want a cookie, eat a cookie. If you want sugar-free eat celery. Quit wasting valuable cookie dough on sugar-free cookies. Nobody likes ’em. Now you hear this a lot in an election year like this year. All of them talk about the war on women. They each blame each other for having a war on women, which is stupid. This is a media thing. Nobody would have a war on women, because they would never win an election. Common sense. If there is any war on women, it’s men fighting each other trying to get a woman. ‘Cause everybody loves women. And you know why every man wants a woman? Because women are in sole possession of the most valuable thing on the planet. A brain. These two guys were like, “Oh! Missed that one.” Now guess what? They own all of that too. Which I think is part of God’s great plan. See, I think God created women to guide men through life. But God knew men were hard-headed, and men weren’t gonna listen to women. So God gave women the other stuff just to make us pay attention. I just think he may have underestimated how powerful the other stuff was gonna be to us. Well, think about this. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. God says to them, “You’ll never be hungry, you’ll never be thirsty, you’ll never be sick, you’ll never die. I’m gonna come by every afternoon and go for a walk with you. There’s only one rule to live here. Don’t eat the fruit of that one tree.” Now God had no more than gotten in his car and driven off… when Eve walked over to the tree and picked an apple and looked at Adam and said, “You think we should eat this?” And he looked at her standing there, buck naked and went, “Hell yeah, baby, if you want to let’s do it.” If God had put her in a flannel nightgown… we might all be living in paradise today. No more reality TV shows. Seriously. If I want to watch the day to day life of unattractive, uneducated people I will hang out with my own family, thank you very much. No more breast reduction surgeries. I mean, why should I be penalized just because your back hurts? Come on! Take an Advil, for cryin’ out loud! No more commercials where some law group is trying to get somebody to sue somebody else. We are the most sue-happy nation on Earth, which is why our car insurance is so expensive, which is why our medical insurance is so expensive, all of the lawsuits. And it started with cars. “Have you been in a car accident?” “Do you know someone that’s been in a car accident?” “Have you ever heard about a car accident?” Now it’s everything. “Has a woman with a vaginal mesh implant given you the prescription drug ‘Fen-Phen’ which caused you to develop mesothelioma? If so, you could be owed billions.” I just remembered, that happened to me last summer, yes, sir. No more parents at Little League games. We’ve tried it, it doesn’t work. Children’s recreational sports were started for kids to have fun. It is the grownups that took the fun out of it. Seriously, parents, no more, serious! Parents, no more yelling at the coaches. The coaches are not the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports. Your genetics are the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports. And no more trophies for everybody. And no more not keeping score. Seriously, no matter how badly you don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings, the truth in life is there are winners and there are losers. If you don’t believe me, let’s get in my car and go to Walmart after midnight. Walmart after midnight makes The Walking Dead look like America’s Next Top Model. No more letting people over 65 forward emails. They can use the Internet, they just can’t forward emails. They cannot contain themselves. They forward everything. I spend hours a day deleting the emails of my father-in-law and my mother. And my father-in-law’s are always the political ones. “If you don’t send this to a million people tonight, you are not an American.” “Oh! I was gonna watch TV, but this is gonna take a while.” And my mother’s are always the humorous ones, which she mislabels in the subject line. She’ll have, “Funniest thing I’ve ever seen.” No, it’s not, Mother. It’s two kittens in a clothes basket. At best it’s mildly amusing and you’re distracting me from surfing the web, looking for nursing homes within driving distance. See, when it comes to technology my wife and I laugh about this ’cause we’re in our mid-fifties and my wife says, “we’re the baloney in the technology-baloney sandwich.” We’re right in the middle, because our parents can’t text and our children can’t write. My kids don’t even think you need to study. They’re like, “Dad, if you wanna know something just Google it.” And to a point they’re right. I mean when I was growing up, if you were watching TV and somebody said, “What was that guy in?”, you’d go, “Oh, he looks familiar.” That was it! Now you’re watching TV, somebody goes, “What was that guy in?” Somebody goes… “He was the janitor on Joey” Of course, he was. But I tried to tell my kids, I said, “Yeah, there’s a lot of stuff you can learn from Google.” I said, “But there’s just as much stuff you can’t learn from Google. You only learn it from life experience. You usually learn most of it the hard way. It’s stuff that’s not Google-able.” I don’t know if that’s a word. But I call ’em the facts of life. It’s stuff you can’t Google. Like this, fact of life. If you were trying to get to the bathroom in an emergency situation, it is not a wise idea to unbutton your pants in transit, trying to save a couple of seconds. Because the muscles that guard the flood-gates will interpret the unbuttoning as the signal to abandon their post… and the two seconds you saved on the button are nullified by the hour and a half you spend mopping and doing laundry. You only learn that the hard way. Fact of life, out of all the cereals, Captain Crunch is the most time-intensive. Here’s what I’m talking about. You eat it too soon after you poured the milk on and you’ll rip the roof of your mouth to shreds. You wait too long after you poured the milk on and the Captain will put a film on your teeth a wired brush can’t get rid of. Fact of life, you can have a wife with long beautiful hair or you can be on time. Fact of life, if a cable or satellite company promises you something for free in six months you are gonna get a bill that looks like Ron White’s bar tab. Fact of life, it takes more than two people to play the “who farted?” game. Well, if there’s only two of you, you know the truth. And they know the truth! And speakin’ of which, how come anytime you just try to sneak one out, as soon as you let it go, somebody walks right into it? You could feel it brewing. You could get on a plane, fly to South America, go to the Arctic Circle, get on a dog-sled, 300 miles to the South Pole. Look around, not a living thing in sight. Soon as you let it go, “Hey, Jeff, are these your car keys? Aaah! Oh, my God! What did you eat? Dog food? Aaah! It’s in my mouth. It’s in my mouth. Aaah!” Fact of life, if you’re going to see a scary movie at the movie theater, it’ll be much more entertaining if you can find a seat directly behind a group of black women. Because not only will you get the scary movie, you will also get their running commentary of the scary movie. “Oh, look at this! She’s running around in her panties like that! Girl, put some drawers on! And put that hair up ‘fore he snatch that weave out your head.” “Now, can you see this, girlfriend, she’ goin’ back in the house. No, she goin’ down to the basement! Girl, get your shit and get outta there, now!” Fact of life, if your wife hints she might be in the mood, your kids will sense it and won’t go to bed for three years! Talking about kids, fact of life, the more kids you have, the worse your parenting becomes. People that only have one child are making homemade baby food out of organic vegetables they’re growin’ in their own backyard. Yeah, by the time that fourth child rolls around, you’re smoking a cigarette while you watch your toddler pull a year-old milk dud out from under the stove and eat it. “Pick the cat hair off of it before you put it in your mouth. Come on.” Fact of life, out of all the dinosaurs, the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the meanest because his arms were too short to reach his wiener. That is a medically-proven fact. That will make you angry. And you’ll never watch Jurassic Park the same way again. Fact of life, if you’re driving down the Interstate and you come up behind that old pickup truck that has, like, 13 wooden pallets stacked in the back and they are held together by, like, two ratty bungee cords, we all say the same prayer, “Dear God, do not let those bungee cords break, until I get around this guy. What happens to them we don’t really worry about. But I need to get around him.” Fact of life, when your kids go off to college, you need to be concerned about the excessive drinking, the wild sex, the sleeping till noon and you need to worry your kids might be doing the same thing. Fact of life, 100 percent of the black men that shave their heads look really cool. Fifty percent of the white guys that shave their heads look like they just murdered their parents. And you’re thinking of somebody right now, aren’t you? Fact of life, flying on an airplane makes you gassy. Nobody ever talks about this. Nobody ever acknowledges this. We just take our little roll around suit cases and walk to baggage claim popping them off like a trail horse. [popping lips] OK, let me tell you what makes me feel better. When I write this stuff I don’t know if it’s just me or not. But when you laugh like that and start punching each other… I know there’s others in the club. I think that’s why TSA is always in such a bad mood, by the way. Fact of life, if you wake yourself up with a snore… the first thing you do is look around to see who is laughing at you. [snorts] Fact of life, when your wife or girlfriend gets tipsy there is a very fine line between her talking dirty to you and sleeping like a hibernating bear. And by fine line, I mean, half a sip. “You wait till we get home tonight, mister. Gonna tear you up.” [snoring] And once she crosses the line, you ain’t getting her back. It’s like the paramedics putting the paddle on a body with no head. You’re wasting your time. “Baby wake up for like one minute, one minute, please.” Fact of life, women always have more questions than men have answers to. Example of this, six, seven months ago, I get a text one day. The text says, “Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.” I walk into the kitchen where my wife is, I said, “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” She said, “Was he driving?” “I don’t know. I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “Were Carol and the kids in the car with him?” “I don’t know. I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “Were the people in the other car hurt?” “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “What hospital did they take him to?” “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” She said, “You don’t know anything. What do you know?” “I know you need to pray for Tom, just got a text, said he was in a bad wreck.” It’s all I got, I ain’t holding anything back, that’s it. People pointing at each other here. Women have questions. I remember last year our friends went through a rough spot in their marriage so my wife told me to play golf with him to find out what’s going on. Eight hours later, I come home, she’s waiting. “Well?” “We got to the golf course and went to the driving range first. We’re sitting there hitting balls and I say to him, I said, uh, ‘So, how are things at home?’ And he said… [groans] That’s my report.” “You didn’t ask him anything else?” “We started talking about football after that.” She’s like, “How can men be emotionally unattached?” I said, “Well, that’s just the way we’re wired.” We can’t afford to be emotionally attached. Not the way we talk to each other. This is the way men talk to our friends, the guys we love the most. A guy walking down the street’ll see a best friend and say, “Mike! How you doing? I love that shirt, did Elton John have a yard sale? What the hell do you weigh now, about two tons, good God, dude, eat a salad, you bald-headed fat bastard!” That’s how we talk to our friends. I told my wife, if women talk to their friends like men y’all would never get outta bed. It would be fun to watch, though. “Phyllis, is that a vein on your leg or a tattoo of the Amazon river?” Judy, I love those stretch pants. Did you drop a pack of marbles in the back of them?” Stretch pants are like George Washington, they cannot tell a lie. Fact of life, you will listen much more closely to a butt dial than you will an actual phone call. When somebody butt-dials me, I will stay on the phone ten or 15 minutes trying to catch them doing something. It’s only paid off once. I got a buddy named Perp, he’s a carpenter. He wears this phone on his belt, puts his hands on his hip, he butt-dials someone. So one day Perp butt-dials me and I don’t have anything to do, so I’m just listening to him. I can hear him walking around, and I can hear a door open, and I hear a door close, but then I hear a lid go up. Being the mature adult I am, I go running down the hall to find my wife, I’m like, “Perp’s peein’, Perp’s peein’!” Put it on speaker phone, me and my wife sit there and listen to my buddy urinate. Halfway through it, we heard… [fart sound] My wife starts laughing so hard she wet her pants… Which I think is God’s way of saying, “Verily, verily do not listen to thee that butt-dial ye.” Fact of life. You do not want a kidney stone. You may wanna fall wiener-first in a badger hole, but you do not want a kidney stone. How many people have had a kidney stone? Oh, quite a few. How many people have fallen wiener-first in a badger hole? All right. Here’s how I know you don’t want a kidney stone. About six months ago, I’m in the tire store, getting new tires for my truck, I’m at the counter paying for them, feel great. All of a sudden, it’s like Chuck Norris kicked me in the back. I made a noise. I was like… [screeching] I didn’t say it was a masculine noise. I said it was a noise. About ten seconds later, it hit me again. I was like… [screeches] Dwayne, the kid that’s ringing me up at the cash register looks at me and says, and I quote, “Hey, I ain’t no doctor.” Which caught me off guard. I mean, it did. I just assumed that he was, that he didn’t like wearing the stethoscope while changing tires. He goes, “I ain’t no doctor, but I think you got a kidney stone because my brother had one and that’s what he acted like.” It is not that I didn’t trust Dwayne’s diagnosis. But I thought, “You know, Jeff, you have a little money. Why not get a second opinion?”
So… So I have a buddy that’s a urologist. I called him, “Dude, I think I might have a kidney stone.” He said, “Come in, we’ll take an x-ray.” So we take an x-ray. He comes out thinking he’s a comedian. He’s like, “Well, I got good news and bad news.” He said, “The good news is you don’t have a kidney stone. Bad news is you have five of ’em. And one of them is huge.” Well, he then proceeds to give me an anatomy lesson. He said, “The stones form in the kidneys. They don’t hurt when they’re there. But from the kidneys they pass through a tiny tube called the ureter down to the bladder. A big stone can be five or six times wider than the ureter.” And the word “stone”, they need to rename it. It’s misleading. When you hear “stone”, you think smooth river rock gently tumbling… A kidney stone looks nothing like that. A kidney stone looks like a ninja death-star. It’s got spikes and claws and blades and hooks, so it’s not sliding anywhere. It is cutting through nerves and muscles and blood vessels. And he said passing a big one was the equivalent of like trying to get a porcupine to walk backwards through a garden hose. So you could see where there might be some discomfort. And I really thought I knew what pain was before this. I remember, when I was 20, I’m spending the night at a buddy’s house. I got up in the middle of the night to get water, I didn’t turn the light on, and I hit my little toe on their coffee table. I broke it 90 degrees sideways. Knocked the nail completely off. I laid in the floor and said the “F” word 148 times in a row. Next to a kidney stone, that made that seem like a bubble bath with Jennifer Aniston. The thing only hurts when it moves. You never knew when it’s gonna move. You’d feel great and be talking to people. Like, “Jeff, what are you workin’ on?” “Well, I was just out in LA filming American Bible– Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! Hold my hand. Help me, Jesus!” They’re like, “Boy, he takes that show seriously, doesn’t he?” But the pain was nuts! I read online, doctors– they say it’s the equivalent of a woman giving birth with no meds. Any women here given birth and had a kidney stone? Both. You’ve had both. Which one was worse? -Giving birth. -Giving birth? What about you? Giving birth. Here’s my argument as defense attorney for the kidney stone. A year or two after having a baby, a woman will say, “You know what? I’m about ready to have another child.” You never hear a man say, “Well, I’ve about quit puking and crying. I think I’ll drink a case of Coca Cola and see if I can’t work up another kidney stone.” And when my doctor saw the big one, he immediately started writing me a prescription for Percoset. I hardly ever take Aspirin. I’m like, “Dude, you’re wasting time. I am not taking Percoset.” [laughs] “Oh, you skinny-mustached bow-legged boy.” When it started moving, I was eating Percoset like they were peanut M&Ms. I went from being Doctor Oz to Keith Richards in three seconds.
And one night the pain was so bad, I’m telling– I told my wife, “You gotta take me to the hospital. The Percoset’s not making a dent in this.” She drops me at the emergency room and goes to park the car and I walk in. At the desk, the nurse said, “So what’s wrong with you?” I said, “I have a kidney stone.” And she kinda laughed. She goes… [chuckles] “Well, you’re gonna be waiting a long time tonight, hon.” I said, “No, ma’am. I am in the worst pain of my life.” She said, “Well, you just feel like you’re gonna die, but you’re not.” I said, “You don’t have a lot of sympathy.” She said, “Oh, you’re looking for sympathy. Baby, that is in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’.” She said that! I looked it up later. She’s right. I mean, it is. But she just hands me the clipboard to fill out. So I go in the waiting room, I sit down next to a guy that’s got a knife in his head. He’s got a knife stickin’ in his head. I’m like, “Oh, my God! Were you in a fight?” He said, “No, I have a kidney stone. I did this to myself trying to get to the back back there.”
And sometimes when it would move, it would land in such a way, it would block the urine stream, which– The ureter would balloon out, it was the weirdest thing ’cause it felt like you wet your pants. But then when you went, holy cow, did it hurt. Half your brain’s like, “Better go to the bathroom. Gonna embarrass yourself. You’re gonna wet your pants.” The other half’s like, “Don’t do it. It’s gonna hurt.” The kidney stone was like the Somali pirate in the movie Captain Phillips going, “Look at me. I am the captain of the ship now. I make the rules.” And they had you pee through a strainer. Did they make you pee through a strainer– ‘Cause they wanna find out what the stone’s made of so they can take that out of your diet. So I felt like– You know at Christmas, when you watch that old Rudolph thing, the prospector, Yukon Cornelius? That’s what I felt like. Nothing. So, y’all, this went on for six weeks. Six weeks. Every day I was in this pain. The thing would lodge, block the urine, then it would move and hurt. And then I had about four days where I felt great. I thought, “Did I miss it in the strainer or maybe I passed it?” So I went back to the doctor and I took another x-ray. Well, the thing had lodged right in a bend in the ureter next to the bladder, but because it was lodged, it wasn’t moving, so it didn’t hurt. And not blocking the urine stream. I’m like, “Hey, let’s leave it there till the Lord comes back.” But the doctor looks at the x-ray, “I don’t like where that thing is at. I’m gonna give you a week to pass it, and if you don’t we’ll have to get it.” I have a question. When you say “Go get it”, what kinda trip are we talking about there? He said, “We’ve got this flexible metal cord that has a retractable claw at the end of it. We’ll run that cord up the ‘exit only’ ramp, through the bladder, we’ll grab that stone and we will drag it out kickin’ and screamin’.” He said, “Once we get it out, we’ll put a stent in that claw, go right back in a second time and insert that stent into the walls of the ureter…” Which, by now, quite honestly, have lost the will to live. He said, “We’ll leave it there for three or four days, go back in a third time, grab that stent and yank it out.” And I’m thinking since they outlawed water boarding, this has got to be what they’re doing to get terrorists to talk. “So, where’s Bin Laden?” “I do not know.” “We’re gonna get that little metal cord with a claw and see if we can’t find a kidney stone.” “Oh, you sons of the bitches. He’s living in Pakistan in a white house on the corner. The gate code is… [shouts gibberish] You will find him upstairs, last bedroom on the left.”
The idea of three trips with the claw scared the Willy out of me. I’m like, “I’ll do anything to avoid this.” I read online cranberry juice might help you pass one. I’m guzzling it. I’m jumping on the trampoline. Anything to get rid of this stone and avoid the claw. It must’ve worked because a couple nights later my wife and I are watching TV, I got up at one point to go to the restroom, and right in the middle of it, I had just– a real quick, sharp pain. You know, it was like… [yips] Y’all, I looked down and there is this black, spiky, little pea-sized marble rolling down the inside of the toilet towards the hole. And my mother always says, “Jeff, you don’t have to tell everything.” I’m like, “Mom, there’s good money in it. Trust me. All right?” That being said, I’m not proud of this. But when I saw the thing about to go down the hole, I panicked. And so I turned, and when I turned, I peed all over the wall in the bathroom, including a brand new roll of toilet paper. I stuck my arm in that warm toilet water, I grabbed that thing and I pulled it out. I zipped my pants up, I marched down the hall into the living room, I went to the mantle, I took down the People’s Choice award, and I put it right up there in the track lighting. You come by the house tomorrow, we’ll all take a look at it. You guys have been awesome. Thank you… for listening to me. You’re terrific. Thank you. Thank you so much. You guys are great! * * * Hey, let’s keep it going, y’all. Keep it up for my good buddy, Larry “The Cable Guy.” Well, thank you. Please remain standing. It is fun to be here. You know, this brings back so many cool memories. The last time I was here, the governor of Minnesota come down here and presented me with the key to the 24 Hour Fitness. So… that was pretty cool, but it’s kind of a… it’s a cool anniversary for me tonight. This is a double anniversary. This is my 27th year in the comedy business. And– Thank you. Remain seated. And it’s my fifth year being funny. So I’m excited about both of them. They’re both really cool, so… We’re gonna enjoy– I guess I gotta do this before going further. Git-R-Done. [laughs] Git-R-Done. [laughs] I remember, the first thing I ever sold that had “Git-R-Done” on it was in Florida. Git-R-Done condoms. [laughs] There was three sizes. Git, Git-R and Git-R-Done. All right. That was it. But they say Git-R-Done everywhere, it’s pretty awesome. I remember this is how they say Git-R-Done in China. [speaks gibberish] Not kiddin’. This is how they say Git-R-Done in Nairobi. [clicking] [popping, clicking] I ain’t kiddin’. Google it, all right? Google it. I ain’t kiddin’ with you. That’s how they do it. Been a crazy week for me, this week. My grandma was on medical marijuana and she broke her hip the other day. She tripped playin’ hacky sack. I’m like, “Grandma, you smoke too much pot.” She goes, “How do you know how much pot I smoke?” I said, “‘Cause Meals on Wheels been by your house eight times today. All right? That’s why.” I want to take my wife on vacation down there to Cabo San Lucas down there, in New Mexico, or wherever the hell it is in. I’m scared of that damn Zika virus, that “mosquito death.” Now they say it spreads sexually. What the hell! How drunk you gotta be to take a mosquito home with you? All right? Dadgum. Kiddin’, how you get their little legs apart? That’s what I don’t know about. You’ll bust ’em. They’re little. I knew they were pests. Now they’re whores. You believe that? I can’t believe it. It’s ridiculous! [sighs deeply] Might want you to keep a buddy of mine in your prayers. He is supposed to be here tonight, but he got bit yesterday by a brown recluse. So… Not the spider, the Puerto Rican neighbor that rarely comes out of his house. All right, it’s weird. Kinda come out, bit him on the shoulder and hauled ass back in. “What the hell’s wrong with Carlos? He’s normally pretty reclusive, that feller right there. I don’t get that.” Don’t you hate it when somebody says that you look exactly like so and so. Every time you see him, “Oh, you look just like so and so.” Then you finally meet “so and so.” Ugliest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen your entire life. You’re, like, “Dadgum, I look exactly like that idiot.” Makes me madder than Ronny Milsap in a corn maze. I tell you what, it’s irritating. That happened to me last week. This made me madder than a hunchback in a hailstorm. I go out there. The hailstorm– I go out there. There’s a hunchback in a hailstorm. So… So I go out to eat at this diner, I’m starvin’ and this waitress comes and asks “What do you wanna eat?” I said, “What’s wrong?” She goes, “You look just like the cook.” I go, “Get the hell outta here.” [laughs] She goes, “No, you could be his twin brother. I ain’t kiddin’.” “Well, let me see him.” He comes out. “What the hell!” Ugliest mongoloid I’ve ever seen my entire life. I ain’t kiddin’ with you. You should’ve seen. Looked like they’d been cleaning a grill with his face for ten years. Biggest head I’ve ever seen. You oughta seen his head. His driver’s license was an eyebrow. I ain’t makin’ that up. Unbelievable. And I looked identical to him. It pissed me off. Just with a littler head. She’s like, “What do you wanna eat? It’s on the house.” “I lost my appetite, all right? Maybe some eggs with some arsenic would be good right now.” Pissed me off. This irritated me too the other day. Made me madder than a fat guy in a porta-potty with little arms trying to wipe his ass crack, I’ll tell you what. So I go to this– I go to PetSmart to get some dog food for my dog. And I buy the dog food and then the girl goes, “You wanna give an extra $20 to help feed the starving animals?” What the hell do you think I’m doing now? What, am I sprinkling this on my Corn Flakes or somethin’? What a bunch of idiots! She goes, “You look familiar.” I go, “I’m a comedian.” She goes, “No, that ain’t it.” She goes… [gasps] “You’re that cook at the diner I seen last week.” Pissed me off. Heck of a week. I come back from Las Vegas, I stayed at the Bellagio hotel. You’ve ever stayed at the Bellagio hotel out there? Yeah. Here’s what I hate about them fancy hotels. I hate the toilets. They got newfangled environmental toilets that flush right when you stand up. You ever seen that? I go in there, do my business, stand up… gone. Pissed me off. Didn’t have time to take a picture. Nothing. All right. Here I’m sittin’ on a world record. Now I can’t get no proof on the daggone thing. I mean, seriously, technology is screwing me out everything. The maid embarrassed me. She walked in on me naked at 3:00 in the morning. What the hell is a maid doing in an elevator at 3:00 in the morning? All right, seriously. Every time I go to Las Vegas, there’s always a buddy of mine, “You goin’ to Las Vegas?” “Yeah. Why?” “Here. Here’s $300 dollars. Gamble it for me.” “All right.” [laughs] Called me up two days later. “How am I doin’?” “You lost everything. All right. I apologize.” “How are you doing?” “I’m up $300. I’m doin’ all right here. Tell you what. I’ll be here another two days. Send me a thousand dollars. I’ll gamble it for you.” Not a good gambler. My wife’s pretty good at Craps. She wins a lot ’cause she plays topless and nobody’s ever looking at the dice. Oh, this’ll piss you off. This is what America’s come to. Did you know this? You can actually now get kicked out of a casino for poopin’ on a Craps table? Man, we’re losing a lot of freedoms in this country. It’s decadent out there in Las Vegas. First time I was there in 1991, I was gettin’ something to eat at 7-Eleven, I leave, some girl picked me up out of nowhere. We go to the room. She get all naked on me. Turned the lights out. I’m like, “What the hell?” Need to be safe, I grabbed a condom there. Here’s one of those fancy ones, lubricated on the inside. Sumbitch barely fit me. Turns out I put on a Slim Jim wrapper. What the hell? Nine months later, she gave birth to a little smokey. [laughs] Wa-wa-wa-wa… They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Not no more. What happens in Vegas goes right to the iPhone, see it, straight to the Internet, the YouTube, for slow motion instant replay your stupid self. Better come home, “Hey, honey, how’s Vegas?” “It sucked. Didn’t get to do nothing.” “What do you mean?” “Didn’t do nothing. Stayed in my hotel room the whole time.” “You didn’t do nothing?” “No why?” “You’re on the Internet right now pooping on a Craps table. All right? Bullshit.” Cell phones are gonna ruin everybody’s lives. I’m sick of cell phones. Everybody’s got dadgum cell phones. They got ’em in prison now. Prisoners got cell phones. Did you know? You know how they get them in there? They smuggle ’em in by… shovin’ them up their hind end. You think you got a shitty reception. “Hey, bend over. Can you hear me now?” [fart noise] “What did he say?” “Somethin’ about Thursday.” It’s irritating. Everybody got a cell phone. I got a midget buddy. Everywhere he goes, he does selfies on a stick. Seen that? He always walks around, “Let me take a selfie.” Let me ask. If a midget takes a selfie, would that be an “elfie”? And that’s why I’m goin’ second. Right there. That’s why. That’s material, right there. Here’s the thing that’s irritating to a lot of people. Fellas take pictures of their private parts and send it to girlfriends or wives. That’s stupid. It’s gonna wind up on the Internet, ’cause it goes up into cyber space in a million wiener pieces and people grab ’em wiener pieces. Put it on the Internet. Somebody actually released a naked picture of me on the Internet last year. The weird thing was, though, it’d come from one of them overhead traffic cameras. I must’ve been on a late night Arby’s run. I ain’t sure what the hell’s goin’ on. Lot of drinking going on in Vegas. I’m not a big drinker. I think the drunkest I’ve ever been in my whole life was Cinco de Mayo– Last year, August 16th. And, uh, I tell you what… One thing I don’t do though, is drink and drive. Very well. I’ve never done that well my whole life. You don’t wanna get caught drinking and driving. If you’re a celebrity, you’d make news. I remember the Cake Boss. Buddy Valastro got a DUI. Can you imagine the Cake Boss in jail? I wonder if he took it in the bundt. Took it in a bundt. Start the bus. Had a buddy of mine retiring from the military. We took him to Las Vegas. He got hammered one night. Picked up a redhead transvestite. I tried to stop him. I’m like, “Don’t do it. You don’t know–” Too late. He’d done it. Next morning, I see him hunched out on a bench. I’m, like, “Hey, how’d that work out for you last night?” He said, “It was weird. Not only did the drapes match the carpet, but I think I seen a curtain rod in there.” I loved the military. I was in Fort Benning, Georgia, here not long ago. [crowd whistles] Weird though. They didn’t want me to perform. They just wanted me to show up, show the troops what they used to look like before they went to boot camp. That’s why I went down there. I gotta lose some weight. [chuckles] My tapeworm had a heart attack last week. It ain’t funny. You know you gotta lose weight when you can use the back of your neck as a travel pillow. Ain’t my fault I gained a little weight. Foxworthy’s fault. All them dadgum Golden Corral commercials he does all the time. Pissed me off. And I love that Golden Corral. You’ve ever been to that buffet in there? Oh, good heavens, my toilet had to take a knee one night after I went in. That’s something else. Oh, dadgum. I could’ve pooped through a keyhole at 50 yards after I was in there. Dadgum thing. I love Golden Corral. These health food– Food police don’t like you eating in there either. They make up stories to keep you out– This irritated me. The other day, I’m on the Internet, there’s an icon there that says “Click on this. You’ll never eat at the Golden Corral again.” I’m like, “What’s this bullshit?” I click on it, it was me. I love that Golden Corral. I ate there last week so many times Chris Christie started following me on Twitter. All right. I like how they, I like how they have the sneeze guard on the buffet. They say that’s for your health. If they really cared about our health, they’d have an electric fence around the buffet in there. I know what that sneeze guard is. It’s to force the fat folks to get some exercise while they’re in there. ‘Cause they put all the good stuff toward the back of them sneeze guards. So the fat folks gotta do squats and stretches when they go down that buffet, down there. “Yeah, let me get that pudding, I like that pudding. Let me get them tater tots, I like ’em tater tots.” That’s right. Decent size fat fella can get three sets of 15 reps in there if he works hard enough. I seen a couple get married at the Golden Corral. I still remember the preacher, “I now pronounce you two freakin’ losers.” I was at the world’s largest Golden Corral in Branson, Missouri, you ever been to Branson? I like Branson. It’s fun. They got a lot of old folks down there, though. Good heavens, they had a show down there called Shake, Rattle and Roll. Turned out to be the audience trying to get to their seats. It’s bad, I performed down there. I made an old woman laugh so hard milk of magnesia come out of her nose. All right, I ain’t kidding– They got a lot of storms down there that crop up. It’s crazy, I was down there one year with my wife and my kids, and my brother and my sister-in-law… biggest, sumbitch you ever seen in your whole life. And about 270 pounds, four-foot-six. And, everywhere we went she was dressed in full camo, everywhere we went, looked like we was walking with a couple of acres. You know, everywhere I went down there. You know, some people got their name on their belt, she had everybody’s name on her belt. All right? She’s a big one. We were down there, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this tornado crops up, so the police car driving down the street with a megaphone is going, “Funnel cloud! Funnel cloud!” So we hauled out. She stayed out there. She thought they was yelling, “Funnel cake! Funnel cake!” She got hit dead on with a tornado, didn’t even budge her. She’s bawling, and I’m like, “What’s wrong, you hurt?” Turns out she’s pissed off ’cause the tornado blowed all the powder sugar off her funnel cake she had right there. Did a bunch with my kids, took them to the zoo down there. Pretty good zoo, I like zoos. You like zoos? I like good zoos. Have you been to a bad zoo with just regular critters? You know, like a bunny and a skunk, and goat, and a cow, you know? Crippled deer or whatever. Rhinoceros… is just some fat kid with a chocolate-covered banana strapped to his forehead. Which by the way is the worst job I ever had in my entire life. By the way, let me say that. Every time I go to the zoo all the good animals I wanna see are sleeping already. What the hell? It’s like Cosby got there 20 minutes before I did. What? Oh, come on. That’s funny, I don’t care who you are. Come on now, hey, I told that joke at the zoo and the hyenas laughed their ass off of that, all right. Weirdest thing I ever seen at the zoo was a bunch of penguins and nuns staring at each other. Took my wife and kids to the Wisconsin Dells to the water park up there. That’s right, you ever been to a water park? For all of y’all who ain’t been to a water park, picture everybody at Walmart with bathing suits on, all right. What the hell. That’s where I found out a wiener twister wasn’t a snack stand at the water park. Boy, they got some fast rides. They had one ride 70 miles an hour. You get up there… straight down… halfway down somebody’s under britches and swim trunks went flying by my head and I thought, that poor guy. They were mine. Aah! That’s one thing about a water park, nobody goes home with a dirty butt hole. I’ll guarantee you that much, right there. That’s right, it’ll clean you out good. Next time you can’t afford a water park just stand naked in front of a floor mirror and shoot your water pick up your hind end, all right? It’ll have the same effect. Almost got beat up at the water park. You believe that? I almost got beat up at the water park. I’m standing in line to get on this one water ride, there’s a dude clutching on this big ass inner-tube. I said, “Hey, where’d you get that inner-tube?” He said, “What?” I said, “That big ass inner-tube you got there.” He said, “That’s my wife, you son of a bitch.” [whispers] Sorry, I’m sorry. They got indoor water parks up there ’cause it’s so damn cold. What the hell? I know it’s cold here, you’ve been to Northern Wisconsin this summer? You know how long their summer lasts? Forty-eight minutes. All right, I ain’t kidding with you. I was just up there, I ain’t kidding with you. You could have played “this little piggy” with my nipples when I was up there. My wiener was like a bear, it went into hibernation for three days. I ain’t kidding, I could have flashed a cop and not gotten in trouble. I’m not kidding with you. You should have seen it, looked like a helmet sitting on shrubbery. If you looked real good at it. I wish my nipples and this would get together– My nipples love cold weather, my wiener hates it. I mean, it’s cold, they’re like, “Yes!” You know, he’s like– He sucked up in there. It’s embarrassing, I went to moon my cousin, looked like I was pooping a mushroom, all right, I’m not kidding with you. Don’t laugh at that, that’s not even funny. I don’t even know why you’re laughing at that. Flippin’ freezin’ there. Remember I was there, the bed bugs at the hotel called the front desk and requested extra blankets. I couldn’t believe it. I hate cold weather. I live in Nebraska, you talk cold, you know how cold it was at Thanksgiving in Nebraska? This a true story, there’s a knock on my door, 6:00 in the morning. It was a turkey wanting to borrow my deep fryer. All right, I ain’t kidding with you. It was freezing, my dog licked himself and got his tongue stuck. It was freezing, I had to wipe with an ice scraper. [laughs] All right, they’re not all funny but they’re in a row. All right, how’s that, so? I’m going for quantity, not quality here this evening. I like warm weather, that’s what I like. Bring on that global warming, that’s what I say. People getting nuts over that. Don’t they? “Man caused global– We need to do something about the way we livin’. We heating up the Earth,” “Oh, shut up.” “Well, you seen what happened in Washington D.C.? Twenty-seven inches of snow, explain that.” “All right, February, how’s that?” I ain’t Nostradamus, but I have a thing, I have a guess what’s gonna happen in July, too. Hot! All right. It’s gonna be hot in July. It’s stupid. I got a buddy of mine. “You go ahead and laugh. The Earth’s heated up seven-tenths of a degree in the last hundred years.” Well, what the hell? Go home and stab yourself in the face then, end it. Just end it if it’s that bad. How many people have ever gone outside in 100-degree weather and said, “Boy, I’ll tell you what. It feels three-quarters of a degree hotter out here this year than last year. There’s something going on in it.” I like that warm weather. I don’t like humidity, though, I lived in Florida for a long time and you get to sticking down there, good night. I had to shoot baby powder up there about every three minutes. I was down there in Florida, my mom had to make me a pair of boxer shorts out of a ShamWow when I was down there, I couldn’t believe it. It was so hot in Florida one time, my grandpa replaced his hemorrhoidal suppositories with Dilly bars. [laughs] Dilly bars. This show should have been 300 bucks a piece. All right, I’m telling you right now, that’s a 300-dollar joke right there. It’s hot in Florida in the summer. I remember in August one time, I had a buddy of mine about 420 pounds, he’s leaving a Target with a little plastic kiddie pool. I said, “You ain’t gonna fit in that to be cool.” He said, “No, the game’s on, that’s for bean dip.” I shouldn’t talk about fat folks, though, I got my own problems. I started losing me some weight two weeks ago ’cause I had a tragic event happen to me. Kicked my butt in gear and it sucks when you have to have a tragic event to make fat folk lose weight. For a lot of people it’s hard to tackle diabetes and then they– Let me tell you what happened two weeks ago. For the first time in my life, I had to show my titties to get out of a ticket. But I did see something that did change my life, I was reading an article the other day and it said, “Carbohydrates is the fastest way to the grave.” And I told my wife, right then after I read it. I said, “Sweetheart, mark this down on the calendar, right now, from now on, done. I’m not reading nothin’.” All right? I ain’t read nothin’ since. My wife has me on a diet now she come up with, called, “We’re not having sex till you lose weight diet.” That’s what she had me on. This is my impression of my wife when we’re making love. [muffled murmuring] I’ve tried a lot of stuff, tried a dietitian. They’re taking your money. I go see a dietitian, you know what he says? “Larry, you need to eat six times a day.” I do that now! If I eat one more time a day, you’re gonna see me at Walmart on a scooter wearing pajama jeans. All right, that’s ridiculous. Went to see a trainer. The trainer says to me, “How many pushups can you do?” I say, “I don’t know, regular or girl pushups?” He says, “Either one of ’em.” I said, “Neither one of ’em. All right, I can’t do either one of them.” I was on Nutrisystem in 2005, remember my Nutrisystem commercials? That’s right. I think they’re probably pretty pissed off at me about right now. [laughs] I’m bad for business I guess. I’m the only guy who’s ever gone from Nutrisystem commercials to heartburn medication, right here on stage. [laughs] I’m five pounds away from a sleep apnea contract. What the hell? No, look, Nutrisystem worked for ’em. I didn’t do it right. I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to eat the packaging. All right, that’s my problem there. Prilosec OTC, God love ’em. They ain’t the first– First people who ever wanted me to do a commercial was 2003, Blue Collar TV. You know how they promote alternate fuels to be used. In 2003, they wanted me to test drive a truck. A pretty good-looking truck that ran on human waste. That’s true, I drove it for three days. What a piece of crap. Three days, no pun intended. I go to the Taco Bell drive through in that deal, flooded the engine, when I went through that deal. You believe that? It was embarrassing. It was embarrassing. A buddy of mine had to come down there, give me a jump fart when I was down there at the drive-through. If you can find another comedian in the country with a punch line of “jump fart,” I will kiss your hind end right now in front of everybody. ‘Cause you’re never gonna find that. That’s right, that’s the kind of humor that gets the Grammy nominations right there. I like to hunt. I know there’s a lot of hunters up here. And… when I hunt, I do it a little different than most people. When I hunt, I dress all in orange from head to toe. And I hunt down by the Interstate. That way the deer just think I’m a prisoner picking up trash out there. For y’all that don’t hunt, did you know this, did you know a deer gets a new rack every year? Just like the Kardashians? Did you know that’s true right there? Had a buddy of mine, got in trouble. He was hunting, he called me up says, “I’m in jail.” I say, “What’s wrong.” He says, “I don’t know, the game warden put me in jail. It’s ridiculous.” I said, “What’d you do?” He says, “Nothing. I shot two wild turkeys, he put me in jail.” “He can’t do it just–” “No, I shot two wild turkeys. He put me in jail. He’s a communist.” I wanna go down, see what happened. I go down there about to raise a fuss. Turns out he did two shots of Wild Turkey and accidentally shot the game warden. All right, that’s what happened. And his cousin was in a car accident, his face is all disfigured. And he told me the other day, “I’m the ugliest man in the world. I just wanna kill myself.” I said, “Come on now, you ain’t…” so I wanted to cheer him up, so… I run him up to Walmart for a few hours. It worked, turns out he’s the 37th ugliest man in the world. There’s some ugly folks in my Walmart. Remember that website, the People of Walmart, remember that? I always thought that was hilarious. ‘Till I wound up on a site last year. Pissed me off. The one time a year I go to Walmart shopping wearing that pink unitard, they’re snapping pictures in there for the damned deal. I shouldn’t say there’s fat, big folks in my Walmart, but I will say this, yesterday the Junior Miss department just put in a potato bar, all right. I’ll say that much. They got some crazy shoppers. You wanna see some crazy shoppers? Have yourself a daggone garage sale. I had one garage sale, never again. Woman comes up, she goes, “Boy I like these boots. You got these in a size six?” “No, let me run in the back and check my inventory on these boots, all right.” And you never seen more cheap folks in your life than at a garage sale. Guy comes up and he says, “How much is this?” I go, “A dollar.” He goes, “Does it work?” It’s a dollar. What the hell, “Do you work?” What the hell? Here’s the guy that really pisses you off. This guy. “How much is this?” “Fifty cents.” “I’ll give you a quarter.” “I’ll give you a dime to get the hell off my property, all right.” I swear, you could put a ten dollar bill on the table, somebody offer you a 75 cents for that ten dollar bill. Here’s one thing I learned about a garage sale. Never invite your relatives, they’ll see all the gifts they got you the last 25 years up there at that table. “Hey, is that watch I got you last year?” “No, that watch you got me, I keep in the safe deposit box at the bank. Are you kidding me? You know, lot of people don’t got a Casio watch with a calculator on it no more. Another 5000 years, that’ll be worth two, 300 dollars. That’s somethin else.” People are nuts when it comes to shopping. I remember one time I had a couch I couldn’t get rid of so I put that on the curb, said, “Free to take.” Dadgum thing sat there ten days. So when I put a sign on it, “For sale, 2500 dollars” Dadgum thing got stolen that night. I hate shopping, especially the grocery store. I always get recognized up there. I went up two weeks ago. Took two hours to get the hell out. Caused a commotion. My wife says to me the other day, “Hey, let’s go up to the grocery store.” “I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay home.” “Oh, come on, go to the grocery store with me.” “I don’t wanna go to the grocery store.” “Oh, you think you’re gonna get recognized? You think you’re so freak–” “All right, I’ll go to the–” Sure enough, as soon as I walk in, there’s the bag boy. “Hey, there’s that guy that was playing with himself in the produce department two weeks ago.” “I told you I didn’t wanna come in, what the hell? Told you, idiot. I didn’t wanna come in here.” I read an article in the paper the other day. Said old folks are sexually active all the way in their mid-90s. Ugh… What the hell? I couldn’t finish the article, though, it had vomit on it. Then I read this other thing, said they’re handing out free condoms to the old folks at the villages in Florida. The retirement community ’cause they’re rampant with sexual diseases and pregnancies. Never thought I’d see the day they handing out condoms to 90-year-old men, what the hell? I’ve seen my grandpa naked once, you’d think that’d be all the birth control you need. Right there, daggone it. “Grandpa, put some pants on, what the hell? Looks like a Slim Jim went through the dishwasher. That’s ridiculous. What the hell’s wrong with you?” What the hell? He’s pretty active, he’s dating this girl, she’s 87 years old. They came over to the house the other day, we was eating dinner, he goes, “You think she’s hot?” “Oh, yeah, I think she is now, Grandpa. Her face has been in the soup for ten minutes.” I shouldn’t make fun of old folks, I’ll be old one day. Sucks getting old, I’ll tell you what. You know you’re getting old when you sneeze and you poop a little. You know what I mean? That’s when you’re getting old. Bend down to tie your shoes and you poop a little, then you know you done. It’s almost like when you get old, the only time you can’t poop is when you’re trying to poop. Gotta go to the doctor all the time, I hate going to the doctor. I was at the doctor last time, I seen the craziest thing. A girl that walked in there, biggest woman I ever seen, she walked in there. “My stomach, oh, my stomach. What the hell is wrong with my stomach?” Turns out she’s pregnant, doesn’t even know it. Let me ask you something, how fat you gotta be to not realize you got a human being living inside your body? I mean, what the hell? I go to Taco Bell, I feel like I’m about to have triplets two hours later, all right. I’m not kidding, I actually went breech on a Chalupa three weeks ago. I really did, I really did. The doctor finally told her as she walked in there, “Oh, it’s colitis.” “Well, I don’t care what you name it, but it’s a boy.” All right, that’s right. I tell you what keeps me young though is my wife. My wife… growed up on a… 3500-acre Black Angus cattle ranch, Northern Wisconsin. And… You can never tell in a million years that my wife grew up on a cattle ranch by looking at her, ’cause she’s got a pig face. And… I’m kidding. Hey, my wife’s hot, all right. Anyway, she will be if she finds out about that joke I did on television. Now, I wouldn’t say that if she wasn’t good looking– My wife’s hot, I made love to my wife, this is how hot she is– First of all, she was eating a banana the other day, the banana kept getting bigger. But, that’s beside the point. I made love to my wife a record hour and four minutes. So there you go. That’s right, ‘course it was at Daylight Savings Time but, let me just say this, all right. Let me just say this… [muttering] Hey, but still that’s two hours more than normal. All right, there you go. My wife’s 14 years younger than me. Oh, boy, I will never forget when she told me her age the first time. I almost chocked on my pizza and dropped my game tokens. Let me tell you the one bad thing about being married to somebody younger than you. Nothing. All right. Not a thing. That’s right. Sometimes, sex gets a little weird. ‘Cause she’s younger, you know. “Slow down a little bit. Come on now, this ain’t a prison visit. Slow down there.” She always wants to try something new. “Where should we make love at tonight?” “I don’t care, as long as I’m on a heating pad. All right, that’s all I care about.” We got our anniversary coming up, our 11-year. Last year, July 3rd, was our ten-year, you have to go to the gift chart to see what to get her. You know how they got the anniversary gift chart, you know, 25 silver, 50 gold. You know, that whole deal. So, I think they ought to add some kind of a sexual component to that gift chart. You know, the more sex you have the better the gift is every year. I think that’s a good incentive program right there. “Hey, sweetheart, it’s our 11-year anniversary comin’ up next week. I’m gonna get you something, let me look at the gift chart. So, 11 years, all right. Had sex three times this year. Hey, look at that. You get the walkie-talkies. Look at that. That’s nice. That’s right, or you can have anything on the bottom shelf there, too. That’s pretty good, too. I like that. I like that John Fogerty mirror, that’s a nice mirror right there. Can have that. Some Blackhawk slippers, them’s nice. You don’t see a lot of Blackhawk slippers like that.” Seventy-five years is diamonds. A little old for diamonds at that point. Hey, Grandma, them earrings go good with the pudding on your chin. My wife’s birthday, she wanted a facial. Went to one of them fancy hotels, got her one of ’em spa visits. I go in there, she got cucumber slices on her face. I’m like, “What the hell?” She goes, “That takes the wrinkles out of your eyes.” “No kidding, cucumber slices? What did they do with the rest of the cucumber?” Well, evidently, that’s another 100 dollars. You know what I got my wife last Mother’s Day? Stripper pole. Had it installed in the bedroom. When she come home, she seen it, Git-R-Done. And then for Father’s Day… she gave me a ride up to the hospital to get that pole removed from my hind end. You guys been awesome, thank you so much, Minnesota. Thank you, we loved comin’ up here, Git-R-Done. I’m gonna bring Jeff Foxworthy back out, everybody. Jeff Foxworthy! There he is. Larry. Take care, y’all, thank you. Git-R-Done! Thanks, y’all. God bless you, be safe. Oh! That’s Minnesota-cold, buddy. Chilly. Oh, man. I’m glad I wore the sleeves. | [crowd cheering and applauding] Thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? So awesome to be here, the beautiful Orpheum Theater in Minneapolis. Yeah, we’ve had such a ball here. And I’m so thankful you showed up tonight because we need you. Wait, we do, we call the thing the “We’ve Been Thinking” tour because as we think about stuff we either have to get a psychiatrist or we need you to help us work through it, all right? First example, and this one’s pretty recent, last Thursday. My brother lives next door to me. His oldest daughter is in medical school. She’s in her third year. So in your third year you have to do everything. And then in your fourth year you kinda specialize. So my brother told me, last Thursday, she called home to let him know that that day had been “prostate check day”. It gets better. There are 60 people in her class. They all checked the same guy. That’s why I need your help. This guy is rolled in a ball right here. And the guy told him. He said, he had been doing this for 40 years. And that over the last forty years he had his prostate checked thousands and thousands of times. I’m thinkin’, “You’re not doing this for the money, are you?” And here’s the deal. I don’t feel bad for him. He signed up for it. You know who I felt bad for? His mother. And I’ll tell you why, because every week this woman has to go out to lunch with her friends and her friends are like, “Well, Inez, what is Billy doing now?” “Well, he is working all the time but he said it is wearing his ass out.” And here’s the other thing I got to thinking about. You know, when they check it and– Maybe the women don’t know this but they got the glove on. And then they put that K– That jelly. Sixty applications of jelly! There is no way this guy can drive home from this event. He can’t stay on the seat, you know! It’s like… And he can’t walk home because if he farts, he’ll have a trail of bubbles behind him and little kids chasing him and trying to pop ’em. These are the kind of things we think about. Well, I haven’t decided if I’m running for president or not yet. I… I started to say I’m not qualified but this time around it doesn’t really matter, does it? Oh, my God! Well, here’s the deal. I mean, like all y’all, I watch this stuff every day, and it amuses me that all these candidates, they just keep promising people more and more and more. And as I watch it, I think, that’s not really the problem that we have in America. We don’t need more. We have so much stuff now, we can’t even enjoy the people we love. What we need is more common sense. And, seriously! So if I was running what I would do is use some common sense and start taking away some of the stupid stuff we don’t need. I call them “no-more’s.” Day number one, no more picking up dog poop. It’s embarrassing. We are the top of the food chain. No other animal picks up another animal’s poop. Monkeys pick up their own and throw it but they’re kind of the comedians of the animal world. And they’re just trying to make the school kids laugh. But they have a rule in my neighborhood. If you walk your dog and your dog does his business in somebody else’s yard, you need to get a little plastic bag, pick it up and dispose of it. So you drive through my neighborhood and there’s all these attractive women walking around with poo-poo-purses. And I know the dogs are confused. The dog’s like, “Wait a minute! You’re taking it back home? Why did we have to walk three blocks? I could have pooped in the living room, saved us both some embarrassment.” What a stupid rule! Why would they have us pick it up? It’s fertilizer. It makes the grass grow. Lord, it’s not like some child is gonna step in it. A kid hadn’t played in the yard since 1982! You know what’s sad? We have an entire generation that has no idea how to get dog poop off the bottom of their shoe. But when I was growing up we played in the yard every day. And every day somebody stepped in dog poop. And when it was your turn, you knew what to do about it. You would hobble over to the curb… and scrape the biggest part off on the edge of the curb. Then you would find a puddle and you would swirl the bottom of your shoe around in the puddle. Then limp over to the grass and do the brush-stroke, back and forth. Then you would find a little bitty piece of stick… and you would sit down on the curb and you would pick it out of the zig-zag pattern on the bottom. Then you wore those shoes to church the next day. And nobody in that church knew you had stepped in dog poop. So, no more, no more picking up dog poop. No more sugar-free cookies. It’s like going to the drive-in movie by yourself. You can do it but it ain’t ending in a smile. You’re an adult. If you want a cookie, eat a cookie. If you want sugar-free eat celery. Quit wasting valuable cookie dough on sugar-free cookies. Nobody likes ’em. Now you hear this a lot in an election year like this year. All of them talk about the war on women. They each blame each other for having a war on women, which is stupid. This is a media thing. Nobody would have a war on women, because they would never win an election. Common sense. If there is any war on women, it’s men fighting each other trying to get a woman. ‘Cause everybody loves women. And you know why every man wants a woman? Because women are in sole possession of the most valuable thing on the planet. A brain. These two guys were like, “Oh! Missed that one.” Now guess what? They own all of that too. Which I think is part of God’s great plan. See, I think God created women to guide men through life. But God knew men were hard-headed, and men weren’t gonna listen to women. So God gave women the other stuff just to make us pay attention. I just think he may have underestimated how powerful the other stuff was gonna be to us. Well, think about this. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. God says to them, “You’ll never be hungry, you’ll never be thirsty, you’ll never be sick, you’ll never die. I’m gonna come by every afternoon and go for a walk with you. There’s only one rule to live here. Don’t eat the fruit of that one tree.” Now God had no more than gotten in his car and driven off… when Eve walked over to the tree and picked an apple and looked at Adam and said, “You think we should eat this?” And he looked at her standing there, buck naked and went, “Hell yeah, baby, if you want to let’s do it.” If God had put her in a flannel nightgown… we might all be living in paradise today. No more reality TV shows. Seriously. If I want to watch the day to day life of unattractive, uneducated people I will hang out with my own family, thank you very much. No more breast reduction surgeries. I mean, why should I be penalized just because your back hurts? Come on! Take an Advil, for cryin’ out loud! No more commercials where some law group is trying to get somebody to sue somebody else. We are the most sue-happy nation on Earth, which is why our car insurance is so expensive, which is why our medical insurance is so expensive, all of the lawsuits. And it started with cars. “Have you been in a car accident?” “Do you know someone that’s been in a car accident?” “Have you ever heard about a car accident?” Now it’s everything. “Has a woman with a vaginal mesh implant given you the prescription drug ‘Fen-Phen’ which caused you to develop mesothelioma? If so, you could be owed billions.” I just remembered, that happened to me last summer, yes, sir. No more parents at Little League games. We’ve tried it, it doesn’t work. Children’s recreational sports were started for kids to have fun. It is the grownups that took the fun out of it. Seriously, parents, no more, serious! Parents, no more yelling at the coaches. The coaches are not the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports. Your genetics are the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports. And no more trophies for everybody. And no more not keeping score. Seriously, no matter how badly you don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings, the truth in life is there are winners and there are losers. If you don’t believe me, let’s get in my car and go to Walmart after midnight. Walmart after midnight makes The Walking Dead look like America’s Next Top Model. No more letting people over 65 forward emails. They can use the Internet, they just can’t forward emails. They cannot contain themselves. They forward everything. I spend hours a day deleting the emails of my father-in-law and my mother. And my father-in-law’s are always the political ones. “If you don’t send this to a million people tonight, you are not an American.” “Oh! I was gonna watch TV, but this is gonna take a while.” And my mother’s are always the humorous ones, which she mislabels in the subject line. She’ll have, “Funniest thing I’ve ever seen.” No, it’s not, Mother. It’s two kittens in a clothes basket. At best it’s mildly amusing and you’re distracting me from surfing the web, looking for nursing homes within driving distance. See, when it comes to technology my wife and I laugh about this ’cause we’re in our mid-fifties and my wife says, “we’re the baloney in the technology-baloney sandwich.” We’re right in the middle, because our parents can’t text and our children can’t write. My kids don’t even think you need to study. They’re like, “Dad, if you wanna know something just Google it.” And to a point they’re right. I mean when I was growing up, if you were watching TV and somebody said, “What was that guy in?”, you’d go, “Oh, he looks familiar.” That was it! Now you’re watching TV, somebody goes, “What was that guy in?” Somebody goes… “He was the janitor on Joey” Of course, he was. But I tried to tell my kids, I said, “Yeah, there’s a lot of stuff you can learn from Google.” I said, “But there’s just as much stuff you can’t learn from Google. You only learn it from life experience. You usually learn most of it the hard way. It’s stuff that’s not Google-able.” I don’t know if that’s a word. But I call ’em the facts of life. It’s stuff you can’t Google. Like this, fact of life. If you were trying to get to the bathroom in an emergency situation, it is not a wise idea to unbutton your pants in transit, trying to save a couple of seconds. Because the muscles that guard the flood-gates will interpret the unbuttoning as the signal to abandon their post… and the two seconds you saved on the button are nullified by the hour and a half you spend mopping and doing laundry. You only learn that the hard way. Fact of life, out of all the cereals, Captain Crunch is the most time-intensive. Here’s what I’m talking about. You eat it too soon after you poured the milk on and you’ll rip the roof of your mouth to shreds. You wait too long after you poured the milk on and the Captain will put a film on your teeth a wired brush can’t get rid of. Fact of life, you can have a wife with long beautiful hair or you can be on time. Fact of life, if a cable or satellite company promises you something for free in six months you are gonna get a bill that looks like Ron White’s bar tab. Fact of life, it takes more than two people to play the “who farted?” game. Well, if there’s only two of you, you know the truth. And they know the truth! And speakin’ of which, how come anytime you just try to sneak one out, as soon as you let it go, somebody walks right into it? You could feel it brewing. You could get on a plane, fly to South America, go to the Arctic Circle, get on a dog-sled, 300 miles to the South Pole. Look around, not a living thing in sight. Soon as you let it go, “Hey, Jeff, are these your car keys? Aaah! Oh, my God! What did you eat? Dog food? Aaah! It’s in my mouth. It’s in my mouth. Aaah!” Fact of life, if you’re going to see a scary movie at the movie theater, it’ll be much more entertaining if you can find a seat directly behind a group of black women. Because not only will you get the scary movie, you will also get their running commentary of the scary movie. “Oh, look at this! She’s running around in her panties like that! Girl, put some drawers on! And put that hair up ‘fore he snatch that weave out your head.” “Now, can you see this, girlfriend, she’ goin’ back in the house. No, she goin’ down to the basement! Girl, get your shit and get outta there, now!” Fact of life, if your wife hints she might be in the mood, your kids will sense it and won’t go to bed for three years! Talking about kids, fact of life, the more kids you have, the worse your parenting becomes. People that only have one child are making homemade baby food out of organic vegetables they’re growin’ in their own backyard. Yeah, by the time that fourth child rolls around, you’re smoking a cigarette while you watch your toddler pull a year-old milk dud out from under the stove and eat it. “Pick the cat hair off of it before you put it in your mouth. Come on.” Fact of life, out of all the dinosaurs, the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the meanest because his arms were too short to reach his wiener. That is a medically-proven fact. That will make you angry. And you’ll never watch Jurassic Park the same way again. Fact of life, if you’re driving down the Interstate and you come up behind that old pickup truck that has, like, 13 wooden pallets stacked in the back and they are held together by, like, two ratty bungee cords, we all say the same prayer, “Dear God, do not let those bungee cords break, until I get around this guy. What happens to them we don’t really worry about. But I need to get around him.” Fact of life, when your kids go off to college, you need to be concerned about the excessive drinking, the wild sex, the sleeping till noon and you need to worry your kids might be doing the same thing. Fact of life, 100 percent of the black men that shave their heads look really cool. Fifty percent of the white guys that shave their heads look like they just murdered their parents. And you’re thinking of somebody right now, aren’t you? Fact of life, flying on an airplane makes you gassy. Nobody ever talks about this. Nobody ever acknowledges this. We just take our little roll around suit cases and walk to baggage claim popping them off like a trail horse. [popping lips] OK, let me tell you what makes me feel better. When I write this stuff I don’t know if it’s just me or not. But when you laugh like that and start punching each other… I know there’s others in the club. I think that’s why TSA is always in such a bad mood, by the way. Fact of life, if you wake yourself up with a snore… the first thing you do is look around to see who is laughing at you. [snorts] Fact of life, when your wife or girlfriend gets tipsy there is a very fine line between her talking dirty to you and sleeping like a hibernating bear. And by fine line, I mean, half a sip. “You wait till we get home tonight, mister. Gonna tear you up.” [snoring] And once she crosses the line, you ain’t getting her back. It’s like the paramedics putting the paddle on a body with no head. You’re wasting your time. “Baby wake up for like one minute, one minute, please.” Fact of life, women always have more questions than men have answers to. Example of this, six, seven months ago, I get a text one day. The text says, “Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.” I walk into the kitchen where my wife is, I said, “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” She said, “Was he driving?” “I don’t know. I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “Were Carol and the kids in the car with him?” “I don’t know. I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “Were the people in the other car hurt?” “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “What hospital did they take him to?” “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” She said, “You don’t know anything. What do you know?” “I know you need to pray for Tom, just got a text, said he was in a bad wreck.” It’s all I got, I ain’t holding anything back, that’s it. People pointing at each other here. Women have questions. I remember last year our friends went through a rough spot in their marriage so my wife told me to play golf with him to find out what’s going on. Eight hours later, I come home, she’s waiting. “Well?” “We got to the golf course and went to the driving range first. We’re sitting there hitting balls and I say to him, I said, uh, ‘So, how are things at home?’ And he said… [groans] That’s my report.” “You didn’t ask him anything else?” “We started talking about football after that.” She’s like, “How can men be emotionally unattached?” I said, “Well, that’s just the way we’re wired.” We can’t afford to be emotionally attached. Not the way we talk to each other. This is the way men talk to our friends, the guys we love the most. A guy walking down the street’ll see a best friend and say, “Mike! How you doing? I love that shirt, did Elton John have a yard sale? What the hell do you weigh now, about two tons, good God, dude, eat a salad, you bald-headed fat bastard!” That’s how we talk to our friends. I told my wife, if women talk to their friends like men y’all would never get outta bed. It would be fun to watch, though. “Phyllis, is that a vein on your leg or a tattoo of the Amazon river?” Judy, I love those stretch pants. Did you drop a pack of marbles in the back of them?” Stretch pants are like George Washington, they cannot tell a lie. Fact of life, you will listen much more closely to a butt dial than you will an actual phone call. When somebody butt-dials me, I will stay on the phone ten or 15 minutes trying to catch them doing something. It’s only paid off once. I got a buddy named Perp, he’s a carpenter. He wears this phone on his belt, puts his hands on his hip, he butt-dials someone. So one day Perp butt-dials me and I don’t have anything to do, so I’m just listening to him. I can hear him walking around, and I can hear a door open, and I hear a door close, but then I hear a lid go up. Being the mature adult I am, I go running down the hall to find my wife, I’m like, “Perp’s peein’, Perp’s peein’!” Put it on speaker phone, me and my wife sit there and listen to my buddy urinate. Halfway through it, we heard… [fart sound] My wife starts laughing so hard she wet her pants… Which I think is God’s way of saying, “Verily, verily do not listen to thee that butt-dial ye.” Fact of life. You do not want a kidney stone. You may wanna fall wiener-first in a badger hole, but you do not want a kidney stone. How many people have had a kidney stone? Oh, quite a few. How many people have fallen wiener-first in a badger hole? All right. Here’s how I know you don’t want a kidney stone. About six months ago, I’m in the tire store, getting new tires for my truck, I’m at the counter paying for them, feel great. All of a sudden, it’s like Chuck Norris kicked me in the back. I made a noise. I was like… [screeching] I didn’t say it was a masculine noise. I said it was a noise. About ten seconds later, it hit me again. I was like… [screeches] Dwayne, the kid that’s ringing me up at the cash register looks at me and says, and I quote, “Hey, I ain’t no doctor.” Which caught me off guard. I mean, it did. I just assumed that he was, that he didn’t like wearing the stethoscope while changing tires. He goes, “I ain’t no doctor, but I think you got a kidney stone because my brother had one and that’s what he acted like.” It is not that I didn’t trust Dwayne’s diagnosis. But I thought, “You know, Jeff, you have a little money. Why not get a second opinion?” So… So I have a buddy that’s a urologist. I called him, “Dude, I think I might have a kidney stone.” He said, “Come in, we’ll take an x-ray.” So we take an x-ray. He comes out thinking he’s a comedian. He’s like, “Well, I got good news and bad news.” He said, “The good news is you don’t have a kidney stone. Bad news is you have five of ’em. And one of them is huge.” Well, he then proceeds to give me an anatomy lesson. He said, “The stones form in the kidneys. They don’t hurt when they’re there. But from the kidneys they pass through a tiny tube called the ureter down to the bladder. A big stone can be five or six times wider than the ureter.” And the word “stone”, they need to rename it. It’s misleading. When you hear “stone”, you think smooth river rock gently tumbling… A kidney stone looks nothing like that. A kidney stone looks like a ninja death-star. It’s got spikes and claws and blades and hooks, so it’s not sliding anywhere. It is cutting through nerves and muscles and blood vessels. And he said passing a big one was the equivalent of like trying to get a porcupine to walk backwards through a garden hose. So you could see where there might be some discomfort. And I really thought I knew what pain was before this. I remember, when I was 20, I’m spending the night at a buddy’s house. I got up in the middle of the night to get water, I didn’t turn the light on, and I hit my little toe on their coffee table. I broke it 90 degrees sideways. Knocked the nail completely off. I laid in the floor and said the “F” word 148 times in a row. Next to a kidney stone, that made that seem like a bubble bath with Jennifer Aniston. The thing only hurts when it moves. You never knew when it’s gonna move. You’d feel great and be talking to people. Like, “Jeff, what are you workin’ on?” “Well, I was just out in LA filming American Bible– Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! Hold my hand. Help me, Jesus!” They’re like, “Boy, he takes that show seriously, doesn’t he?” But the pain was nuts! I read online, doctors– they say it’s the equivalent of a woman giving birth with no meds. Any women here given birth and had a kidney stone? Both. You’ve had both. Which one was worse? -Giving birth. -Giving birth? What about you? Giving birth. Here’s my argument as defense attorney for the kidney stone. A year or two after having a baby, a woman will say, “You know what? I’m about ready to have another child.” You never hear a man say, “Well, I’ve about quit puking and crying. I think I’ll drink a case of Coca Cola and see if I can’t work up another kidney stone.” And when my doctor saw the big one, he immediately started writing me a prescription for Percoset. I hardly ever take Aspirin. I’m like, “Dude, you’re wasting time. I am not taking Percoset.” [laughs] “Oh, you skinny-mustached bow-legged boy.” When it started moving, I was eating Percoset like they were peanut M&Ms. I went from being Doctor Oz to Keith Richards in three seconds. And one night the pain was so bad, I’m telling– I told my wife, “You gotta take me to the hospital. The Percoset’s not making a dent in this.” She drops me at the emergency room and goes to park the car and I walk in. At the desk, the nurse said, “So what’s wrong with you?” I said, “I have a kidney stone.” And she kinda laughed. She goes… [chuckles] “Well, you’re gonna be waiting a long time tonight, hon.” I said, “No, ma’am. I am in the worst pain of my life.” She said, “Well, you just feel like you’re gonna die, but you’re not.” I said, “You don’t have a lot of sympathy.” She said, “Oh, you’re looking for sympathy. Baby, that is in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’.” She said that! I looked it up later. She’s right. I mean, it is. But she just hands me the clipboard to fill out. So I go in the waiting room, I sit down next to a guy that’s got a knife in his head. He’s got a knife stickin’ in his head. I’m like, “Oh, my God! Were you in a fight?” He said, “No, I have a kidney stone. I did this to myself trying to get to the back back there.” And sometimes when it would move, it would land in such a way, it would block the urine stream, which– The ureter would balloon out, it was the weirdest thing ’cause it felt like you wet your pants. But then when you went, holy cow, did it hurt. Half your brain’s like, “Better go to the bathroom. Gonna embarrass yourself. You’re gonna wet your pants.” The other half’s like, “Don’t do it. It’s gonna hurt.” The kidney stone was like the Somali pirate in the movie Captain Phillips going, “Look at me. I am the captain of the ship now. I make the rules.” And they had you pee through a strainer. Did they make you pee through a strainer– ‘Cause they wanna find out what the stone’s made of so they can take that out of your diet. So I felt like– You know at Christmas, when you watch that old Rudolph thing, the prospector, Yukon Cornelius? That’s what I felt like. Nothing. So, y’all, this went on for six weeks. Six weeks. Every day I was in this pain. The thing would lodge, block the urine, then it would move and hurt. And then I had about four days where I felt great. I thought, “Did I miss it in the strainer or maybe I passed it?” So I went back to the doctor and I took another x-ray. Well, the thing had lodged right in a bend in the ureter next to the bladder, but because it was lodged, it wasn’t moving, so it didn’t hurt. And not blocking the urine stream. I’m like, “Hey, let’s leave it there till the Lord comes back.” But the doctor looks at the x-ray, “I don’t like where that thing is at. I’m gonna give you a week to pass it, and if you don’t we’ll have to get it.” I have a question. When you say “Go get it”, what kinda trip are we talking about there? He said, “We’ve got this flexible metal cord that has a retractable claw at the end of it. We’ll run that cord up the ‘exit only’ ramp, through the bladder, we’ll grab that stone and we will drag it out kickin’ and screamin’.” He said, “Once we get it out, we’ll put a stent in that claw, go right back in a second time and insert that stent into the walls of the ureter…” Which, by now, quite honestly, have lost the will to live. He said, “We’ll leave it there for three or four days, go back in a third time, grab that stent and yank it out.” And I’m thinking since they outlawed water boarding, this has got to be what they’re doing to get terrorists to talk. “So, where’s Bin Laden?” “I do not know.” “We’re gonna get that little metal cord with a claw and see if we can’t find a kidney stone.” “Oh, you sons of the bitches. He’s living in Pakistan in a white house on the corner. The gate code is… [shouts gibberish] You will find him upstairs, last bedroom on the left.” The idea of three trips with the claw scared the Willy out of me. I’m like, “I’ll do anything to avoid this.” I read online cranberry juice might help you pass one. I’m guzzling it. I’m jumping on the trampoline. Anything to get rid of this stone and avoid the claw. It must’ve worked because a couple nights later my wife and I are watching TV, I got up at one point to go to the restroom, and right in the middle of it, I had just– a real quick, sharp pain. You know, it was like… [yips] Y’all, I looked down and there is this black, spiky, little pea-sized marble rolling down the inside of the toilet towards the hole. And my mother always says, “Jeff, you don’t have to tell everything.” I’m like, “Mom, there’s good money in it. Trust me. All right?” That being said, I’m not proud of this. But when I saw the thing about to go down the hole, I panicked. And so I turned, and when I turned, I peed all over the wall in the bathroom, including a brand new roll of toilet paper. I stuck my arm in that warm toilet water, I grabbed that thing and I pulled it out. I zipped my pants up, I marched down the hall into the living room, I went to the mantle, I took down the People’s Choice award, and I put it right up there in the track lighting. You come by the house tomorrow, we’ll all take a look at it. You guys have been awesome. Thank you… for listening to me. You’re terrific. Thank you. Thank you so much. You guys are great! * * * Hey, let’s keep it going, y’all. Keep it up for my good buddy, Larry “The Cable Guy.” Well, thank you. Please remain standing. It is fun to be here. You know, this brings back so many cool memories. The last time I was here, the governor of Minnesota come down here and presented me with the key to the 24 Hour Fitness. So… that was pretty cool, but it’s kind of a… it’s a cool anniversary for me tonight. This is a double anniversary. This is my 27th year in the comedy business. And– Thank you. Remain seated. And it’s my fifth year being funny. So I’m excited about both of them. They’re both really cool, so… We’re gonna enjoy– I guess I gotta do this before going further. Git-R-Done. [laughs] Git-R-Done. [laughs] I remember, the first thing I ever sold that had “Git-R-Done” on it was in Florida. Git-R-Done condoms. [laughs] There was three sizes. Git, Git-R and Git-R-Done. All right. That was it. But they say Git-R-Done everywhere, it’s pretty awesome. I remember this is how they say Git-R-Done in China. [speaks gibberish] Not kiddin’. This is how they say Git-R-Done in Nairobi. [clicking] [popping, clicking] I ain’t kiddin’. Google it, all right? Google it. I ain’t kiddin’ with you. That’s how they do it. Been a crazy week for me, this week. My grandma was on medical marijuana and she broke her hip the other day. She tripped playin’ hacky sack. I’m like, “Grandma, you smoke too much pot.” She goes, “How do you know how much pot I smoke?” I said, “‘Cause Meals on Wheels been by your house eight times today. All right? That’s why.” I want to take my wife on vacation down there to Cabo San Lucas down there, in New Mexico, or wherever the hell it is in. I’m scared of that damn Zika virus, that “mosquito death.” Now they say it spreads sexually. What the hell! How drunk you gotta be to take a mosquito home with you? All right? Dadgum. Kiddin’, how you get their little legs apart? That’s what I don’t know about. You’ll bust ’em. They’re little. I knew they were pests. Now they’re whores. You believe that? I can’t believe it. It’s ridiculous! [sighs deeply] Might want you to keep a buddy of mine in your prayers. He is supposed to be here tonight, but he got bit yesterday by a brown recluse. So… Not the spider, the Puerto Rican neighbor that rarely comes out of his house. All right, it’s weird. Kinda come out, bit him on the shoulder and hauled ass back in. “What the hell’s wrong with Carlos? He’s normally pretty reclusive, that feller right there. I don’t get that.” Don’t you hate it when somebody says that you look exactly like so and so. Every time you see him, “Oh, you look just like so and so.” Then you finally meet “so and so.” Ugliest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen your entire life. You’re, like, “Dadgum, I look exactly like that idiot.” Makes me madder than Ronny Milsap in a corn maze. I tell you what, it’s irritating. That happened to me last week. This made me madder than a hunchback in a hailstorm. I go out there. The hailstorm– I go out there. There’s a hunchback in a hailstorm. So… So I go out to eat at this diner, I’m starvin’ and this waitress comes and asks “What do you wanna eat?” I said, “What’s wrong?” She goes, “You look just like the cook.” I go, “Get the hell outta here.” [laughs] She goes, “No, you could be his twin brother. I ain’t kiddin’.” “Well, let me see him.” He comes out. “What the hell!” Ugliest mongoloid I’ve ever seen my entire life. I ain’t kiddin’ with you. You should’ve seen. Looked like they’d been cleaning a grill with his face for ten years. Biggest head I’ve ever seen. You oughta seen his head. His driver’s license was an eyebrow. I ain’t makin’ that up. Unbelievable. And I looked identical to him. It pissed me off. Just with a littler head. She’s like, “What do you wanna eat? It’s on the house.” “I lost my appetite, all right? Maybe some eggs with some arsenic would be good right now.” Pissed me off. This irritated me too the other day. Made me madder than a fat guy in a porta-potty with little arms trying to wipe his ass crack, I’ll tell you what. So I go to this– I go to PetSmart to get some dog food for my dog. And I buy the dog food and then the girl goes, “You wanna give an extra $20 to help feed the starving animals?” What the hell do you think I’m doing now? What, am I sprinkling this on my Corn Flakes or somethin’? What a bunch of idiots! She goes, “You look familiar.” I go, “I’m a comedian.” She goes, “No, that ain’t it.” She goes… [gasps] “You’re that cook at the diner I seen last week.” Pissed me off. Heck of a week. I come back from Las Vegas, I stayed at the Bellagio hotel. You’ve ever stayed at the Bellagio hotel out there? Yeah. Here’s what I hate about them fancy hotels. I hate the toilets. They got newfangled environmental toilets that flush right when you stand up. You ever seen that? I go in there, do my business, stand up… gone. Pissed me off. Didn’t have time to take a picture. Nothing. All right. Here I’m sittin’ on a world record. Now I can’t get no proof on the daggone thing. I mean, seriously, technology is screwing me out everything. The maid embarrassed me. She walked in on me naked at 3:00 in the morning. What the hell is a maid doing in an elevator at 3:00 in the morning? All right, seriously. Every time I go to Las Vegas, there’s always a buddy of mine, “You goin’ to Las Vegas?” “Yeah. Why?” “Here. Here’s $300 dollars. Gamble it for me.” “All right.” [laughs] Called me up two days later. “How am I doin’?” “You lost everything. All right. I apologize.” “How are you doing?” “I’m up $300. I’m doin’ all right here. Tell you what. I’ll be here another two days. Send me a thousand dollars. I’ll gamble it for you.” Not a good gambler. My wife’s pretty good at Craps. She wins a lot ’cause she plays topless and nobody’s ever looking at the dice. Oh, this’ll piss you off. This is what America’s come to. Did you know this? You can actually now get kicked out of a casino for poopin’ on a Craps table? Man, we’re losing a lot of freedoms in this country. It’s decadent out there in Las Vegas. First time I was there in 1991, I was gettin’ something to eat at 7-Eleven, I leave, some girl picked me up out of nowhere. We go to the room. She get all naked on me. Turned the lights out. I’m like, “What the hell?” Need to be safe, I grabbed a condom there. Here’s one of those fancy ones, lubricated on the inside. Sumbitch barely fit me. Turns out I put on a Slim Jim wrapper. What the hell? Nine months later, she gave birth to a little smokey. [laughs] Wa-wa-wa-wa… They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Not no more. What happens in Vegas goes right to the iPhone, see it, straight to the Internet, the YouTube, for slow motion instant replay your stupid self. Better come home, “Hey, honey, how’s Vegas?” “It sucked. Didn’t get to do nothing.” “What do you mean?” “Didn’t do nothing. Stayed in my hotel room the whole time.” “You didn’t do nothing?” “No why?” “You’re on the Internet right now pooping on a Craps table. All right? Bullshit.” Cell phones are gonna ruin everybody’s lives. I’m sick of cell phones. Everybody’s got dadgum cell phones. They got ’em in prison now. Prisoners got cell phones. Did you know? You know how they get them in there? They smuggle ’em in by… shovin’ them up their hind end. You think you got a shitty reception. “Hey, bend over. Can you hear me now?” [fart noise] “What did he say?” “Somethin’ about Thursday.” It’s irritating. Everybody got a cell phone. I got a midget buddy. Everywhere he goes, he does selfies on a stick. Seen that? He always walks around, “Let me take a selfie.” Let me ask. If a midget takes a selfie, would that be an “elfie”? And that’s why I’m goin’ second. Right there. That’s why. That’s material, right there. Here’s the thing that’s irritating to a lot of people. Fellas take pictures of their private parts and send it to girlfriends or wives. That’s stupid. It’s gonna wind up on the Internet, ’cause it goes up into cyber space in a million wiener pieces and people grab ’em wiener pieces. Put it on the Internet. Somebody actually released a naked picture of me on the Internet last year. The weird thing was, though, it’d come from one of them overhead traffic cameras. I must’ve been on a late night Arby’s run. I ain’t sure what the hell’s goin’ on. Lot of drinking going on in Vegas. I’m not a big drinker. I think the drunkest I’ve ever been in my whole life was Cinco de Mayo– Last year, August 16th. And, uh, I tell you what… One thing I don’t do though, is drink and drive. Very well. I’ve never done that well my whole life. You don’t wanna get caught drinking and driving. If you’re a celebrity, you’d make news. I remember the Cake Boss. Buddy Valastro got a DUI. Can you imagine the Cake Boss in jail? I wonder if he took it in the bundt. Took it in a bundt. Start the bus. Had a buddy of mine retiring from the military. We took him to Las Vegas. He got hammered one night. Picked up a redhead transvestite. I tried to stop him. I’m like, “Don’t do it. You don’t know–” Too late. He’d done it. Next morning, I see him hunched out on a bench. I’m, like, “Hey, how’d that work out for you last night?” He said, “It was weird. Not only did the drapes match the carpet, but I think I seen a curtain rod in there.” I loved the military. I was in Fort Benning, Georgia, here not long ago. [crowd whistles] Weird though. They didn’t want me to perform. They just wanted me to show up, show the troops what they used to look like before they went to boot camp. That’s why I went down there. I gotta lose some weight. [chuckles] My tapeworm had a heart attack last week. It ain’t funny. You know you gotta lose weight when you can use the back of your neck as a travel pillow. Ain’t my fault I gained a little weight. Foxworthy’s fault. All them dadgum Golden Corral commercials he does all the time. Pissed me off. And I love that Golden Corral. You’ve ever been to that buffet in there? Oh, good heavens, my toilet had to take a knee one night after I went in. That’s something else. Oh, dadgum. I could’ve pooped through a keyhole at 50 yards after I was in there. Dadgum thing. I love Golden Corral. These health food– Food police don’t like you eating in there either. They make up stories to keep you out– This irritated me. The other day, I’m on the Internet, there’s an icon there that says “Click on this. You’ll never eat at the Golden Corral again.” I’m like, “What’s this bullshit?” I click on it, it was me. I love that Golden Corral. I ate there last week so many times Chris Christie started following me on Twitter. All right. I like how they, I like how they have the sneeze guard on the buffet. They say that’s for your health. If they really cared about our health, they’d have an electric fence around the buffet in there. I know what that sneeze guard is. It’s to force the fat folks to get some exercise while they’re in there. ‘Cause they put all the good stuff toward the back of them sneeze guards. So the fat folks gotta do squats and stretches when they go down that buffet, down there. “Yeah, let me get that pudding, I like that pudding. Let me get them tater tots, I like ’em tater tots.” That’s right. Decent size fat fella can get three sets of 15 reps in there if he works hard enough. I seen a couple get married at the Golden Corral. I still remember the preacher, “I now pronounce you two freakin’ losers.” I was at the world’s largest Golden Corral in Branson, Missouri, you ever been to Branson? I like Branson. It’s fun. They got a lot of old folks down there, though. Good heavens, they had a show down there called Shake, Rattle and Roll. Turned out to be the audience trying to get to their seats. It’s bad, I performed down there. I made an old woman laugh so hard milk of magnesia come out of her nose. All right, I ain’t kidding– They got a lot of storms down there that crop up. It’s crazy, I was down there one year with my wife and my kids, and my brother and my sister-in-law… biggest, sumbitch you ever seen in your whole life. And about 270 pounds, four-foot-six. And, everywhere we went she was dressed in full camo, everywhere we went, looked like we was walking with a couple of acres. You know, everywhere I went down there. You know, some people got their name on their belt, she had everybody’s name on her belt. All right? She’s a big one. We were down there, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this tornado crops up, so the police car driving down the street with a megaphone is going, “Funnel cloud! Funnel cloud!” So we hauled out. She stayed out there. She thought they was yelling, “Funnel cake! Funnel cake!” She got hit dead on with a tornado, didn’t even budge her. She’s bawling, and I’m like, “What’s wrong, you hurt?” Turns out she’s pissed off ’cause the tornado blowed all the powder sugar off her funnel cake she had right there. Did a bunch with my kids, took them to the zoo down there. Pretty good zoo, I like zoos. You like zoos? I like good zoos. Have you been to a bad zoo with just regular critters? You know, like a bunny and a skunk, and goat, and a cow, you know? Crippled deer or whatever. Rhinoceros… is just some fat kid with a chocolate-covered banana strapped to his forehead. Which by the way is the worst job I ever had in my entire life. By the way, let me say that. Every time I go to the zoo all the good animals I wanna see are sleeping already. What the hell? It’s like Cosby got there 20 minutes before I did. What? Oh, come on. That’s funny, I don’t care who you are. Come on now, hey, I told that joke at the zoo and the hyenas laughed their ass off of that, all right. Weirdest thing I ever seen at the zoo was a bunch of penguins and nuns staring at each other. Took my wife and kids to the Wisconsin Dells to the water park up there. That’s right, you ever been to a water park? For all of y’all who ain’t been to a water park, picture everybody at Walmart with bathing suits on, all right. What the hell. That’s where I found out a wiener twister wasn’t a snack stand at the water park. Boy, they got some fast rides. They had one ride 70 miles an hour. You get up there… straight down… halfway down somebody’s under britches and swim trunks went flying by my head and I thought, that poor guy. They were mine. Aah! That’s one thing about a water park, nobody goes home with a dirty butt hole. I’ll guarantee you that much, right there. That’s right, it’ll clean you out good. Next time you can’t afford a water park just stand naked in front of a floor mirror and shoot your water pick up your hind end, all right? It’ll have the same effect. Almost got beat up at the water park. You believe that? I almost got beat up at the water park. I’m standing in line to get on this one water ride, there’s a dude clutching on this big ass inner-tube. I said, “Hey, where’d you get that inner-tube?” He said, “What?” I said, “That big ass inner-tube you got there.” He said, “That’s my wife, you son of a bitch.” [whispers] Sorry, I’m sorry. They got indoor water parks up there ’cause it’s so damn cold. What the hell? I know it’s cold here, you’ve been to Northern Wisconsin this summer? You know how long their summer lasts? Forty-eight minutes. All right, I ain’t kidding with you. I was just up there, I ain’t kidding with you. You could have played “this little piggy” with my nipples when I was up there. My wiener was like a bear, it went into hibernation for three days. I ain’t kidding, I could have flashed a cop and not gotten in trouble. I’m not kidding with you. You should have seen it, looked like a helmet sitting on shrubbery. If you looked real good at it. I wish my nipples and this would get together– My nipples love cold weather, my wiener hates it. I mean, it’s cold, they’re like, “Yes!” You know, he’s like– He sucked up in there. It’s embarrassing, I went to moon my cousin, looked like I was pooping a mushroom, all right, I’m not kidding with you. Don’t laugh at that, that’s not even funny. I don’t even know why you’re laughing at that. Flippin’ freezin’ there. Remember I was there, the bed bugs at the hotel called the front desk and requested extra blankets. I couldn’t believe it. I hate cold weather. I live in Nebraska, you talk cold, you know how cold it was at Thanksgiving in Nebraska? This a true story, there’s a knock on my door, 6:00 in the morning. It was a turkey wanting to borrow my deep fryer. All right, I ain’t kidding with you. It was freezing, my dog licked himself and got his tongue stuck. It was freezing, I had to wipe with an ice scraper. [laughs] All right, they’re not all funny but they’re in a row. All right, how’s that, so? I’m going for quantity, not quality here this evening. I like warm weather, that’s what I like. Bring on that global warming, that’s what I say. People getting nuts over that. Don’t they? “Man caused global– We need to do something about the way we livin’. We heating up the Earth,” “Oh, shut up.” “Well, you seen what happened in Washington D.C.? Twenty-seven inches of snow, explain that.” “All right, February, how’s that?” I ain’t Nostradamus, but I have a thing, I have a guess what’s gonna happen in July, too. Hot! All right. It’s gonna be hot in July. It’s stupid. I got a buddy of mine. “You go ahead and laugh. The Earth’s heated up seven-tenths of a degree in the last hundred years.” Well, what the hell? Go home and stab yourself in the face then, end it. Just end it if it’s that bad. How many people have ever gone outside in 100-degree weather and said, “Boy, I’ll tell you what. It feels three-quarters of a degree hotter out here this year than last year. There’s something going on in it.” I like that warm weather. I don’t like humidity, though, I lived in Florida for a long time and you get to sticking down there, good night. I had to shoot baby powder up there about every three minutes. I was down there in Florida, my mom had to make me a pair of boxer shorts out of a ShamWow when I was down there, I couldn’t believe it. It was so hot in Florida one time, my grandpa replaced his hemorrhoidal suppositories with Dilly bars. [laughs] Dilly bars. This show should have been 300 bucks a piece. All right, I’m telling you right now, that’s a 300-dollar joke right there. It’s hot in Florida in the summer. I remember in August one time, I had a buddy of mine about 420 pounds, he’s leaving a Target with a little plastic kiddie pool. I said, “You ain’t gonna fit in that to be cool.” He said, “No, the game’s on, that’s for bean dip.” I shouldn’t talk about fat folks, though, I got my own problems. I started losing me some weight two weeks ago ’cause I had a tragic event happen to me. Kicked my butt in gear and it sucks when you have to have a tragic event to make fat folk lose weight. For a lot of people it’s hard to tackle diabetes and then they– Let me tell you what happened two weeks ago. For the first time in my life, I had to show my titties to get out of a ticket. But I did see something that did change my life, I was reading an article the other day and it said, “Carbohydrates is the fastest way to the grave.” And I told my wife, right then after I read it. I said, “Sweetheart, mark this down on the calendar, right now, from now on, done. I’m not reading nothin’.” All right? I ain’t read nothin’ since. My wife has me on a diet now she come up with, called, “We’re not having sex till you lose weight diet.” That’s what she had me on. This is my impression of my wife when we’re making love. [muffled murmuring] I’ve tried a lot of stuff, tried a dietitian. They’re taking your money. I go see a dietitian, you know what he says? “Larry, you need to eat six times a day.” I do that now! If I eat one more time a day, you’re gonna see me at Walmart on a scooter wearing pajama jeans. All right, that’s ridiculous. Went to see a trainer. The trainer says to me, “How many pushups can you do?” I say, “I don’t know, regular or girl pushups?” He says, “Either one of ’em.” I said, “Neither one of ’em. All right, I can’t do either one of them.” I was on Nutrisystem in 2005, remember my Nutrisystem commercials? That’s right. I think they’re probably pretty pissed off at me about right now. [laughs] I’m bad for business I guess. I’m the only guy who’s ever gone from Nutrisystem commercials to heartburn medication, right here on stage. [laughs] I’m five pounds away from a sleep apnea contract. What the hell? No, look, Nutrisystem worked for ’em. I didn’t do it right. I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to eat the packaging. All right, that’s my problem there. Prilosec OTC, God love ’em. They ain’t the first– First people who ever wanted me to do a commercial was 2003, Blue Collar TV. You know how they promote alternate fuels to be used. In 2003, they wanted me to test drive a truck. A pretty good-looking truck that ran on human waste. That’s true, I drove it for three days. What a piece of crap. Three days, no pun intended. I go to the Taco Bell drive through in that deal, flooded the engine, when I went through that deal. You believe that? It was embarrassing. It was embarrassing. A buddy of mine had to come down there, give me a jump fart when I was down there at the drive-through. If you can find another comedian in the country with a punch line of “jump fart,” I will kiss your hind end right now in front of everybody. ‘Cause you’re never gonna find that. That’s right, that’s the kind of humor that gets the Grammy nominations right there. I like to hunt. I know there’s a lot of hunters up here. And… when I hunt, I do it a little different than most people. When I hunt, I dress all in orange from head to toe. And I hunt down by the Interstate. That way the deer just think I’m a prisoner picking up trash out there. For y’all that don’t hunt, did you know this, did you know a deer gets a new rack every year? Just like the Kardashians? Did you know that’s true right there? Had a buddy of mine, got in trouble. He was hunting, he called me up says, “I’m in jail.” I say, “What’s wrong.” He says, “I don’t know, the game warden put me in jail. It’s ridiculous.” I said, “What’d you do?” He says, “Nothing. I shot two wild turkeys, he put me in jail.” “He can’t do it just–” “No, I shot two wild turkeys. He put me in jail. He’s a communist.” I wanna go down, see what happened. I go down there about to raise a fuss. Turns out he did two shots of Wild Turkey and accidentally shot the game warden. All right, that’s what happened. And his cousin was in a car accident, his face is all disfigured. And he told me the other day, “I’m the ugliest man in the world. I just wanna kill myself.” I said, “Come on now, you ain’t…” so I wanted to cheer him up, so… I run him up to Walmart for a few hours. It worked, turns out he’s the 37th ugliest man in the world. There’s some ugly folks in my Walmart. Remember that website, the People of Walmart, remember that? I always thought that was hilarious. ‘Till I wound up on a site last year. Pissed me off. The one time a year I go to Walmart shopping wearing that pink unitard, they’re snapping pictures in there for the damned deal. I shouldn’t say there’s fat, big folks in my Walmart, but I will say this, yesterday the Junior Miss department just put in a potato bar, all right. I’ll say that much. They got some crazy shoppers. You wanna see some crazy shoppers? Have yourself a daggone garage sale. I had one garage sale, never again. Woman comes up, she goes, “Boy I like these boots. You got these in a size six?” “No, let me run in the back and check my inventory on these boots, all right.” And you never seen more cheap folks in your life than at a garage sale. Guy comes up and he says, “How much is this?” I go, “A dollar.” He goes, “Does it work?” It’s a dollar. What the hell, “Do you work?” What the hell? Here’s the guy that really pisses you off. This guy. “How much is this?” “Fifty cents.” “I’ll give you a quarter.” “I’ll give you a dime to get the hell off my property, all right.” I swear, you could put a ten dollar bill on the table, somebody offer you a 75 cents for that ten dollar bill. Here’s one thing I learned about a garage sale. Never invite your relatives, they’ll see all the gifts they got you the last 25 years up there at that table. “Hey, is that watch I got you last year?” “No, that watch you got me, I keep in the safe deposit box at the bank. Are you kidding me? You know, lot of people don’t got a Casio watch with a calculator on it no more. Another 5000 years, that’ll be worth two, 300 dollars. That’s somethin else.” People are nuts when it comes to shopping. I remember one time I had a couch I couldn’t get rid of so I put that on the curb, said, “Free to take.” Dadgum thing sat there ten days. So when I put a sign on it, “For sale, 2500 dollars” Dadgum thing got stolen that night. I hate shopping, especially the grocery store. I always get recognized up there. I went up two weeks ago. Took two hours to get the hell out. Caused a commotion. My wife says to me the other day, “Hey, let’s go up to the grocery store.” “I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay home.” “Oh, come on, go to the grocery store with me.” “I don’t wanna go to the grocery store.” “Oh, you think you’re gonna get recognized? You think you’re so freak–” “All right, I’ll go to the–” Sure enough, as soon as I walk in, there’s the bag boy. “Hey, there’s that guy that was playing with himself in the produce department two weeks ago.” “I told you I didn’t wanna come in, what the hell? Told you, idiot. I didn’t wanna come in here.” I read an article in the paper the other day. Said old folks are sexually active all the way in their mid-90s. Ugh… What the hell? I couldn’t finish the article, though, it had vomit on it. Then I read this other thing, said they’re handing out free condoms to the old folks at the villages in Florida. The retirement community ’cause they’re rampant with sexual diseases and pregnancies. Never thought I’d see the day they handing out condoms to 90-year-old men, what the hell? I’ve seen my grandpa naked once, you’d think that’d be all the birth control you need. Right there, daggone it. “Grandpa, put some pants on, what the hell? Looks like a Slim Jim went through the dishwasher. That’s ridiculous. What the hell’s wrong with you?” What the hell? He’s pretty active, he’s dating this girl, she’s 87 years old. They came over to the house the other day, we was eating dinner, he goes, “You think she’s hot?” “Oh, yeah, I think she is now, Grandpa. Her face has been in the soup for ten minutes.” I shouldn’t make fun of old folks, I’ll be old one day. Sucks getting old, I’ll tell you what. You know you’re getting old when you sneeze and you poop a little. You know what I mean? That’s when you’re getting old. Bend down to tie your shoes and you poop a little, then you know you done. It’s almost like when you get old, the only time you can’t poop is when you’re trying to poop. Gotta go to the doctor all the time, I hate going to the doctor. I was at the doctor last time, I seen the craziest thing. A girl that walked in there, biggest woman I ever seen, she walked in there. “My stomach, oh, my stomach. What the hell is wrong with my stomach?” Turns out she’s pregnant, doesn’t even know it. Let me ask you something, how fat you gotta be to not realize you got a human being living inside your body? I mean, what the hell? I go to Taco Bell, I feel like I’m about to have triplets two hours later, all right. I’m not kidding, I actually went breech on a Chalupa three weeks ago. I really did, I really did. The doctor finally told her as she walked in there, “Oh, it’s colitis.” “Well, I don’t care what you name it, but it’s a boy.” All right, that’s right. I tell you what keeps me young though is my wife. My wife… growed up on a… 3500-acre Black Angus cattle ranch, Northern Wisconsin. And… You can never tell in a million years that my wife grew up on a cattle ranch by looking at her, ’cause she’s got a pig face. And… I’m kidding. Hey, my wife’s hot, all right. Anyway, she will be if she finds out about that joke I did on television. Now, I wouldn’t say that if she wasn’t good looking– My wife’s hot, I made love to my wife, this is how hot she is– First of all, she was eating a banana the other day, the banana kept getting bigger. But, that’s beside the point. I made love to my wife a record hour and four minutes. So there you go. That’s right, ‘course it was at Daylight Savings Time but, let me just say this, all right. Let me just say this… [muttering] Hey, but still that’s two hours more than normal. All right, there you go. My wife’s 14 years younger than me. Oh, boy, I will never forget when she told me her age the first time. I almost chocked on my pizza and dropped my game tokens. Let me tell you the one bad thing about being married to somebody younger than you. Nothing. All right. Not a thing. That’s right. Sometimes, sex gets a little weird. ‘Cause she’s younger, you know. “Slow down a little bit. Come on now, this ain’t a prison visit. Slow down there.” She always wants to try something new. “Where should we make love at tonight?” “I don’t care, as long as I’m on a heating pad. All right, that’s all I care about.” We got our anniversary coming up, our 11-year. Last year, July 3rd, was our ten-year, you have to go to the gift chart to see what to get her. You know how they got the anniversary gift chart, you know, 25 silver, 50 gold. You know, that whole deal. So, I think they ought to add some kind of a sexual component to that gift chart. You know, the more sex you have the better the gift is every year. I think that’s a good incentive program right there. “Hey, sweetheart, it’s our 11-year anniversary comin’ up next week. I’m gonna get you something, let me look at the gift chart. So, 11 years, all right. Had sex three times this year. Hey, look at that. You get the walkie-talkies. Look at that. That’s nice. That’s right, or you can have anything on the bottom shelf there, too. That’s pretty good, too. I like that. I like that John Fogerty mirror, that’s a nice mirror right there. Can have that. Some Blackhawk slippers, them’s nice. You don’t see a lot of Blackhawk slippers like that.” Seventy-five years is diamonds. A little old for diamonds at that point. Hey, Grandma, them earrings go good with the pudding on your chin. My wife’s birthday, she wanted a facial. Went to one of them fancy hotels, got her one of ’em spa visits. I go in there, she got cucumber slices on her face. I’m like, “What the hell?” She goes, “That takes the wrinkles out of your eyes.” “No kidding, cucumber slices? What did they do with the rest of the cucumber?” Well, evidently, that’s another 100 dollars. You know what I got my wife last Mother’s Day? Stripper pole. Had it installed in the bedroom. When she come home, she seen it, Git-R-Done. And then for Father’s Day… she gave me a ride up to the hospital to get that pole removed from my hind end. You guys been awesome, thank you so much, Minnesota. Thank you, we loved comin’ up here, Git-R-Done. I’m gonna bring Jeff Foxworthy back out, everybody. Jeff Foxworthy! There he is. Larry. Take care, y’all, thank you. Git-R-Done! Thanks, y’all. God bless you, be safe. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-iglesias-hot-and-fluffy-2007-full-transcript/ | Gabriel Iglesias: Hot And Fluffy (2007) – Transcript | gabriel iglesias | [Latino-style music] [audience cheering] (male announcer) Ladies and gentlemen! From Bakersfield, California, Gabriel Iglesias. Thank you! Thank you! Wow! [high-pitched screech] [laughs] Oooh! Oh, yeah, I have no pressure. [audience laughs] Thank you so much, Bakersfield. I can’t thank you guys enough for making this a completely sold-out house here– at the Fox Theater. [loud cheering] Yeah, well, a lot of people around say, Where are you gonna do your special? When you get to do your special, where you gonna do it? And a couple people say, Well, are you gonna do it in New York, in L.A.? And I said You know, L.A., New York wasn’t where I got my start, in 1997, my first theater performance was right here on this very stage. [cheering and whistling] And I know some of you are looking at the background going, [high-pitched female] Okay, then if he’s showing Bakersfield love, how come he has a picture of Hawaii? [laughter] And just so you know, that’s not a picture of Hawaii, that’s a picture of the The Bluffs here in Bakersfield. [wild cheering and whistling] Woo! I love you guys, man. I have– I have way too many good memories here, man, some of them are kind of blurred because I was [birdlike noise]. You can’t hang out seriously here. You gotta be careful ’cause the Police here in Bakersfield, they don’t mess around. They will stop you for anything, man. They got me outside, [siren] (male voice over bullhorn) What are you doing? Walking. But I noticed something though. If you can make a cop laugh, they will work with you. But you gotta really make ’em laugh. You can’t just make ’em go, Ahh. You gotta make ’em, you know, [screech chuckle] I made a cop laugh so hard one time, he almost peed on himself. I know this ’cause he told me. He was, like, [Southern accent] You don’t understand. I damn near pissed myself. [laughter] And here in Bakersfield, man, it’s no different, man. I love every part of this town. I even love Oildale. Oh, yeah. And for everybody watching at home, going, What the hell is Oildale? [chuckles] [imitates banjo] Yeehaw! But I still love it, guys, I still love it. But yeah, man, drinking here in town, you gotta be careful ’cause some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can’t. And you have no clue. Guys especially. You know how it goes. We get loaded, we turn into one of three people. We’re either the I love you guy, I hate you guy, or the “mere” guy. You know that guy, right? Shh, hey! Mere. I know ’cause that’s me. Oh my God, I can’t handle alcohol. People, when they get drunk they say things they don’t mean. You know when I’m drunk you hear something like Woo! I’m going running. [laughter] You better cut me off. Aw, hell, yeah man. And when I drink, I only drink like regular alcohol. I don’t do beer. Beer just doesn’t–no. Beer makes me talk to my body. I don’t like that. When I get drunk on beer, I get weird. I’m, like– [breathes into mike] [low growl] What’s the matter? [laughter] [low growl] Hey! You said you could hang. [low growl] Don’t talk to me there! [brrr] You talkin’ shit too? [audience woos and cheers] That’s what I say. You just gotta be careful, you know. And if you’re gonna drink and you are thinking about driving, don’t do it. It’s not a good idea ’cause like I say, You know when you’re drunk. You’re doing laps in the parking lot and you can’t find the exit. Hello? Some of you make it out to the streets, you know when you’re drunk, you’re like, [rrr rrr] Behind you you hear– [truck horn] [drunken slur] Shut up, stupid! If you hear the magical sound [siren] one of two things will pop into your head. Either, one: [drunken slur] I’m okay, I’m fine. I can beat this. Or, two: [siren] [drunken slur] I’m gonna go to jail. [laughter] I’m gonna go to jail! I’m gonna go to jail! I gotta let you go, babe. I gonna go to jail. Tell the kids I love them. Bye. [rrr] I’m gonna tell you right now, again, if you can make the Police laugh, you have a chance. If you do get pulled over for drunk driving, pull over as slowly and as safely as you can. Get over to the– [rrr and screech]. Now, if you know for a fact that you are gonna go to jail, okay, you’re already–I’m gone. Have a little fun. [laughter] I don’t mean take off on a high speed pursuit. No, no, no, don’t do that. ‘Cause you’re not gonna get very far. I mean, if you’re drunk and you know you’re gonna go to jail, and you have tinted windows– have a little extra fun. Take off your seatbelt, jump over to the passenger side, throw your seatbelt back on and just wait for the cop. [laughter] You have no idea how bad you’re gonna throw his ass off, you guys. He’s gonna come over to the driver’s side with a flashlight– And you’re sitting there… [laughter] [drunken slur] He was here a second ago. I don’t know where he went. [laughter] Excuse me? What?? Me drive? Aw, hell no, I’m fucked up. [loud laughter] [cheering and whistling] That’s sad because I know some of you are gonna try it. [laughter] [childish voice] Let’s do what the fat guy said! Do it! And for the record, I’m not fat. I’m Fluffy. [wild cheering] For those of you who still don’t know, there are five levels of fatness. Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and [shouts] Damn! I’m still number four. People go, How do you know when you’re number five? Well, ’cause people will tell you. If you try to get on an elevator that’s crowded and people stop you and go, Uh-uh. Damn! If you go to Disneyland and little kids want to ride–you! [laughter] [childish voice] I wanna get on that one. [deep growl] [child’s voice] Damn. Hey, I’m sorry, little kids are too honest, man. They’re like little alcoholics. I love Disneyland but they’re not fluffy-friendly. They’re not, man. They care about safety, you know, and that sucks, ’cause I could handle one bar. One bar, I’m cool. But now they got the whole–[clacking] If you’re fluffy, one of those is not gonna lock. You’re trying– People are in line, You can do it! One time I took a trip with my buddy Mondo. A big guy, another big guy. And I went with him because his family, they decided to go and he didn’t want to be the only one hanging out by the strollers. [laughter] So we’re hanging out at the end of the day, my buddy Mondo goes, Dude, we should get on a ride! I go, Which one? We can’t get on none of them, dude, we’re too big. He goes, there’s a ride here at Disneyland that’s called Splash Mountain. I go, What is that? He goes, It’s a log and you get inside the log and it goes uphill, it goes down, and makes a splash. No seatbelt, no pull-bar. You just get in and go. I go, No seatbelt? No pull-bar? [high-pitched laugh] [laughter] So we get in line for our ride, we’re all pumped up, and I see people getting off the ride with these little note cards. I go, What are those? He goes, oh, they take a photo of you when you go downhill. Oh, okay, cool. So we get to the front of the line, and then we have to deal with the lady with the headset, the lady who takes her job way too serious. [high-pitched female] Okay, how many people? Four? Okay. Two here, two here. How many, five? Okay, three there, two there. We get to the front, How many peo–? [laughter] Who cares? We get our own boat. We take off. [beeping] [hissing] [chugging] [splashing] We’re splishing and splashing like little kids– [high-pitched laughter] Three minutes go by, the moment of truth, we get to the hill. [splash] [chugging] [chugging stops] [hissing] [laughter] My buddy Mondo turns around, he says, Dude, let’s flash the camera. [loud laughter] I said, You’re stupid. I’m down. [loud laughter] So as soon as they let us go, right? [hissing] [long howl] [loud laughter] [howl] [splash] We get off the ride, we are soaking wet, [screeching laughter] [squish, squish] We’re all rosado right here. We got a mean old baby rash. [squish squish] We go to buy the picture, and there’s a lady behind the counter with her hand on the screen. [chuckles] And I ask my buddy Mondo, I said, Bro, what boat are we? He says, 22. I go, She’s covering 22! He goes, Oh, we better sneak out of here. Ho, yeah, we’re gonna sneak out. [squish squish] We get past the picture girl but then we get stopped by Disney Security. And you have not lived until you been stopped by a freaking man wearing a badge in the shape of a mouse. This guy was like, [Southern male accent] Hold on! Hold on a second! Ma’am, move away your hand from the screen. You guys see what I see here? That’s a disgrace to this park! We can’t believe anyone could take such a photo. My question to you guys– Do you recognize the two big women in this picture? [laughter] And it wasn’t until we walked over to this photo that my buddy Armando and I realized something about ourselves. And that is that when two full-grown fluffy men are going downhill at a 45-degree angle, with no shirts on, going like this, [laughter] we both look like sexy bitches. [laughter] But again, if you’re gonna drink, just be careful, you guys. Some of you can handle, and some can’t– I got kicked out of a bar on Saint Patrick’s Day. I was performing at the bar. How do I get thrown out, right? I’m having fun, people are giving me free drinks. [high-pitched female] Here, have another drink. I’m, like, woo! I started pissing off the management and the owners of this Irish place that I was at. The bartender’s like, Hey, buddy, relax! Are you okay? Are you having a good time? I was so drunk I did this: [imitates Irish accent] I’m having a great time. People around me, Oh my God, are you Irish? I was, like, [imitates Irish accent] Aye! They’re, like, What part of Ireland are you from? Uh, downtown. Are you here by yourself? Oh, no, I’m not here by myself. Donkey! [laughter] Now if you’re not laughing, you need to get out more often because that’s a funny joke. That’s hysterical. Ask a 10-year old, they’ll tell you, [childish voice] That’s funny! I did that joke one night at Memphis, Tennessee. And some guy thought he knew why it was funny. And he was way off but he confronted me outside, all drunk, [Southern accent] Hey, you! Fluffy! I’m, like, What? ‘Mere. No, you ‘mere. And he walks over and he says, I have to tell you your show was hysterical. I done near wet myself when you said ‘Donkey!’ My friend Rod didn’t laugh so I had to explain it to him and he thinks I’m wrong but I know I’m right. Could yah set the record straight? Sure, what’d you tell your friend? Okay, look here, I told him the reason why it was funnier than hell when you said ‘Donkey!’– it’s ’cause you’re Mexican. [laughter] And you people ride Donkeys! [laughter] Normally, I woulda been all over this guy but two things, one, I was in Memphis, Tennessee, no support. [laughter] And, two, the guy was drunk. I just don’t deal with drunk people, man, uh-uh. When it comes to drinking and women, ladies, when you go out, make sure you take one guy with you. You need to take one guy, even if he’s– [high-pitched] Oh, my God! You need one. [laughter] ‘Cause a group of you get together, there’s always one who will elect herself the team captain, right? Try to rally the troops? Get everybody together– [high-pitched] Okay, look, [laughs] check it out, this is a–shut up! [laughs] Okay, look, this is what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna take my car, so leave your car, my car, leave your car, ready, ready, let’s go. They get in the car– [motor noises]. They get to the club– [motor noises]. [clicking heels] [high-pitched] Oh no, my purse! [clicking] They go inside the club, they start jamming, having fun, [club music beat] (male voice) Oo-lah! [club music beat] End of the night, that same girl who’s been the leader, the captain, she gets more hammered than everybody. She’s the biggest hypocrite walking, now missing a shoe, purse, keys, friends, car. Look, some of you are pointing, “That’s you, bitch!” [laughter] End of the night, she’s stumbling out of the club, [high-pitched laughter] I gotta pee. Not anymore. [laughter] She’s on the curb crying, mascara’s coming down her face, [high-pitched] I’m so wasted. Who the hell is gonna want me now? That’s when I come out. [shriek] Wassup? [laughter] I keep coming back to alcohol. I keep having these issues with it. Like, I got loaded one night, and I don’t know what happened, I accidentally wound up at this, um, “dance place”— gentlemen clubby place, right? I wasn’t driving, it was an accident. We pulled up to the place and– [motor noises]. [surprised] Ahhh! I knew where I was at. Even when you’re drunk, you could be drunk and blind, you know where you’re at, as long as you hear– [rapid music beat] [female screech] [laughter] I walked in there and I got recognized by one of the dancers. You gotta call them dancers or entertainers or they get mad at you. They’ll get mad. [high-pitched] I am not a stripper. Okay? I am an–entertainer. I’m like, Nooo, I’m an entertainer. You’re a nasty. Some girl recognizes you, [high-pitched] Oh my God! I know who you are! You’re famous! And I’m like, Oh, no. Oh, no. And some other dancer who’s spinning on a pole overheard “famous” and she stops. Just ee! [laughter] She walks over, Oh my God, you’re famous? Can I have your autograph? [drunken slur] You don’t even know me. I don’t care. Sign it! Okay, relax. What’s your name? Diamond. What’s your last name? Rodriguez. [laughter] To Diamond. With all my love and affection– Hurry up! I got mad so I wrote– George Lopez. [laughter] I was drunk. I didn’t care. I’m all loaded. She freaked out, she’s like– Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You’re George Lopez! I can’t help it, you guys, I was so drunk I did this, I said: [imitates George Lopez] I know, ha. [laughter] Ey! Ey, cabrona! Why you crying? Why you crying? [speaks Spanish] Esta loca. I won’t lie to you guys, George knows I do that. I don’t think he likes it. [laughter] I’ve done that to a couple of other people, you know, I did that to Paul Rodriguez, and Paul was cool. Paul was really cool about it. He was, like, you know, [imitates Paul] Hey, I heard there’s a guy out there who knows how to talk like me. ls that you? I said, [imitates Paul] Yeah, that’s me. [laughter] [imitates Paul] That’s purty good! I said, [imitates George] I know, ha. [laughter] Hey, can you do Mencia? [imitates Mencia] Da-da-daa! [imitates Mencia] Da’s how you do it! Now, Carlos knows I do that, and he gets mad at me ’cause he goes [imitates Carlos] You gotta do it–better! No, sometimes I use my voices for evil, man, I won’t lie. If I don’t have my way, like, when I go to drive-thrus, and they screw up my order, [gasp] oh, I’m evil. I go back around and I start ordering but I throw them off by doing this. They’ll come on the speaker: (impersonal voice) Welcome to Fantastic Burger, how can I help you? I’ll do this: [high-pitched girl] Hello, sir? [laughs] Hi! Can I please have a double cheeseburger, an order of fries and a shake? [laughs] Double cheeseburger, order of fries and a shake. [girl] Oh, my God! Yes! Thank you, pull up to the window. Then I pull up. Oh, they’re not expecting–me. [laughter] [rrr, brakes screech] Oh, the look on their face is the best, right? (guy’s voice) Did you just order? They come back with a bag of food, Um, would you like ketchup? That’s where I let ’em have it. [high-pitched] Oh, my God, yes! [laughs] Hell, yeah, man. Oh, by the way, before I forget, I know I have a habit on my shows of sometimes throwing a little Spanish in there. If you don’t understand Spanish, I do apologize, okay? I promise I will be translating. I don’t want anybody freaking out or reporting me to the management with concerns or issues, you know. [male Southern accent] What the hell is going on in there! What kind of show is this? Now somebody better hit the SAP button on that son of a bitch real quick! I didn’t pay good money to hear some Samoan speak Spanish. I’m not Samoan, I’m–Fluffy. I didn’t know why the guy thought I was Samoan, you know. And I’ve had this happen a couple times where people go, Are you Hawaiian? Why, no. It’s not just the shirt. I thought it was just the shirt but no, how can it just be a shirt? Just because you wear a freakin’ sombrero, that doesn’t make you Mexican. I see white people wearing a sarape, walking a donkey with a sombrero, you don’t look at ’em and go, Hola, amigo. No, you’re like, Hey, Ted. Hi. You know, and he’s walking around Hola. Come on. Come on, stupid donkey. Donkey! Come on. I don’t get it, man. But it’s funny though. I didn’t know why the guy thought I was Hawaiian until I actually went to Hawaii, I found out that Hawaiian people actually look like swollen Mexicans. [laughter] They do! I got off the plane, I looked around, I was, like, [high-pitched] Oh, my God! My family! Even they were, like, Aloha brother, [unintelligible]. Orale! I loved Hawaii. Hawaii was great, man. They have a lot of different cultures there. They have a lot of Asian people. A lot. A lot of Koreans. I know this because I got a couple of shirts tailored at some places, and every time I go in, there’s always a Korean lady. An older Korean lady. Who was mean. l’d walk in and this one lady always had a comment to make. I’m there for a week and every day she had a different comment. I walk in one day and, I couldn’t say anything either ’cause she was 75 years old. I can’t say nothing back. But there I am, walking in. [ding-dong] The lady behind the counter, [imitates female Asian accent] Ohhh! Oh, looka who’s here. [laughter] Looka who’s here. Ohhh, shit, we gonna worka hard today. [laughter] [unintelligible] Whatever. [chuckles] Don’t make fun of me. But I can handle it, you know. I can handle it. People say, Gabriel, you go up there and you make fun of yourself. No, I don’t. I come up here and I tell you the things that I heard people say. There’s a difference. Sometimes I set myself up for jokes and I don’t realize it. Three years ago, I bought a Beetle. Not even thinking. [light laughter] That’s not the joke, shut up. [loud laughter] See, I can’t even tell you guys a story. [high-pitched laughter] Hmm. I wasn’t thinking, I bought the car ’cause it was affordable, economical, brand new freakin’ Beetle for, like, 1 7 grand. I was, like, [high-pitched screech] first new car. I go to show it off at my friend Martin’s house. I thought it was nice, I pull up, you know, [rrr, screech] Martiiin! He lives in the Hood, I don’t get out of the car. Across the street there are these gang members, they don’t really get into shooting people and stuff like that, they just hang out on the porch and talk a lot of smack. So I’m there in the Beetle and across the street I hear this, I’m, like, Martiiin! And over here, I hear– Orale. [laughter] Hey, what’s up, guys? How’s it going? (more distant voice) How’d you get in there ese. [laughter] Hurry up, Martin! [laughter] Two months later, I go back to pick him up. Now I’ve had some time to work on the car, I put some rims on it, some stickers, I put a chip in the motor so it goes faster. I thought I was bad, right? I pull up, [rrr, tires screech] [rrr, rrr] Martiiin! Orale! [laughter] Uh-uh, I’m not turning around. Hey. Uh-uh. Hey. I don’t see you. Yoo-hoo! [grrr] Hey! [grrr] What!! Check it out, hey, it’s the fat and the furious. [laughter] I didn’t even wait, man. [rrrrrr] I got rid of that car, man. I traded it in and got myself a big old SUV. It was nice for a while. This car freakin’ sucked on mileage. I got 11 miles to the gallon. Oh, you cannot be bad-ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos, you can’t. [laughter] You can’t be at the stoplight trying to intimidate other cars, What? What, what, what? [rrrrrrrrr] Twenty bucks right there. Hell, no. But it was kind of cool. It had a GPS navigational system in it. An OnStar which is really cool. I’m driving, and all of a sudden this girl’s talking to me, [ping] (pleasant female voice) Right turn, up ahead. Whoa. [ping] At three quarter tenth of a mile, left turn. And I’m, like, Whatever you say, baby. Being a big guy, I’ve noticed that people feel compelled to tell me certain things after shows. I get people that’ll pull me aside and go, Gabriel, you’re a very funny guy, you’re very talented, don’t you think, perhaps, you’re living a little excess in life? And I’m like, Well, I love to eat. Well, don’t you want to live to be a hundred? Well, not if I can’t eat tacos. Or as many as I want. A lot of people think that just because you work out and lift weights, and you eat right and you do what people tell you to do, that you’ll live a long life. Maybe you will, but, you know, why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were? I’ll measure by freakin’– you know what I mean? [cheering, whistling] What good is it to live to be a hundred but you didn’t do anything? You didn’t go out and kick it with friends, go out and get drunk at some club and wake up in an alley at one time? You know? What good is it? You stayed in the house and you were safe. And I lived to be a hundred. You know, I don’t know. That’s why, I, um, I have a very big amount of respect for the crocodile hunter, rest in peace, but, come on, you guys, yeah, he died at 44 years old, but, he died doing what he loves to do. Not a lot of people can say that. If I die tomorrow from overeating, hoo-hoo, God bless me, that’s exactly how it was supposed to be. [cheering] You know how much adrenaline he had? Every single day, risking his life, you know how you feel when you’re about to cross the street and a car– [rrrrrr] and your ass almost gets hit, and you’re like– [screech] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! and then you’re hysterical. [high-pitched laughter] Oh, my God! I almost died. [laughs] Touch me. Touch me right here. Oh, my– And the rest of the day, you appreciate life, looking at the birds or the sky, [sings] You’re loving life. He did that every day. That’s why every day I try to live just a little bit of my life like I might not be here tomorrow. ‘Cause you never know. I don’t wanna die tomorrow knowing I coulda had a piece of cake tonight. Sure. That’s why people tell me Why don’t you work out? Why don’t you lift weights? What if I’m gonna die tomorrow? I don’t want to die sore. I wanna die full. When the coroner cuts me up, I want the whole room to smell like potato wedges. [laughter] And he’s gonna go, This guy knew how to live, right here, man. Good times. But again, the crocodile hunter, I give him a lot of love, a lot of credit but people go, [high-pitched] It’s such a loss to the nature community, you know, he taught us so much about nature. And I got mad when I heard this lady on TV saying that he taught us a lot about nature and it was, like, No, he didn’t really teach a lot about nature, if you want to learn about nature, you watch Discovery channel or one of these nature programs where they have a guy on safari and he’s studying from afar. Crocodile hunter, no. Come on, every episode, [imitates Steve Irwin] Hey, how you doin’? Look over there, right there. It’s a “toiger.” That toiger weighs 800 pounds and it could kill a man in 10 seconds. I’m gonna touch it. [laughter] Hi, tiger. [grrr] Ow, he’s angry! He’s angry. Next episode, There’s a king cobra, the most venomous snake in all the planet. One “boite” and I’m dead. I’m gonna pick it up. [laughter] [hissing] He’s angry! If he really wanted people to think he was out there, man, America, we should’ve borrowed him, and sent him to Iraq. With no gun, just a camera crew. Do you imagine how bad that woulda freaked out the enemy? You’re a freakin’ soldier working for Al-Qaeda and you’re out there, you know, [imitates Iraq accent, unintelligible] And he’s walking toward him wearing shorts, [laughter] [imitates Iraqi accent, unintelligible] Crikey! [Iraqi accent] What is crikey? What the hell is crikey? And he’s walking up to him, Hey! Look over there, It’s an Al-Qaeda member. An Iraqi soldier, one of the most dangerous creatures in all the planet. One push of a button and I’m gone! I’m gonna poke him with a stick. [scream] He’s angry! [laughter] I think he’s still angry. Yeah, man, this country, I love living here in the United States. I can’t think of anywhere else l’d want to live. Some people say, Well, you’re Mexican. Wouldn’t you rather live in Mexico? [whistles, shouts] Uh–[laughs]. I love Mexico, just visiting, just visiting. I like it right here. That’s why it kind of bothers me whenever people go, (female voice) What is it like being a Latino comedian? I go, I don’t know, I’m a comedian who happens to be Latino. (female voice) What’s the difference? The difference is my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo. [cheering] It’s hard, you guys, you know. Lo español. You speak a little Spanish, it freaks people out. (female) Oh my God, he’s speaking Spanish. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching Spanish programming myself. Some of the stuff is really cool. My favorite thing are the commercials because they’re always about sex. You don’t even know what the product is until like the last two seconds. It’s always some model walking out all sexy, [rhythmic music beat] [sexy female voice] Hola. [rhythmic music beat] [sucks in air] Ay, què rico. [laughter] And on the 28th second, [shout and short gasp] Pepsi. And you’re sitting there, going, I gotta go get a Pepsi. Oh ho yeah! [laughs] Oh my God! I have a thing for soda, I love it, man. I know they gave me water but– (female voice) Oh, a soda! I didn’t even see that right there. Excuse me, un momento. [laughter] Pepsi. [laughter] No, that’s actually diet, which is cool. I’m not on a diet, and it’s funny because people go, Why then do you drink diet soda? So I can eat regular cake. I love cake, man, are you kidding? By the way, I wanna thank the three people who brought me a cake personally. I have them in the back. I really appreciate it. That was very nice of you. The management and the promoters are freaking out there, like, Gabriel, why do they all bring you cake? I go, Because on TV I talked about one time how much I love cake. And so people bring it. My friend Mondo got mad, He’s, like, [Mexican male accent] Why don’t you talk about hookers? Somebody asked me earlier too, they said, Gabriel, when you get to do your special, are you gonna do anything about the country, are you gonna talk about politics? Well, I’m gonna talk first of all about how I love this country, and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. I know that half the world right now thinks that our leader is the devil and most of us would agree. [laughter] He’s not–yeah. I don’t have to make fun of the president. He does it by himself. Okay? [whistling, clapping] He does it by himself. Every time he comes on TV, I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. Especially during press conferences, (high-pitched female voice) Mr. President. Question. It’s been over a year. What is your plan for Katrina? [imitates Bush’s voice] Ha! We’re gonna find her. [laughter] That’s right. And we’re gonna bring Katrina to justice. We have every reason to believe Katrina is connected to Al-Qaeda. Qaeda, Katrina, they both start with a “k.” Our president got elected. I didn’t vote for him, but then again, I didn’t vote for the other guy either. I was just, like–. How Bush won is beyond me. Americans, we love to vote but we don’t vote for Presidents. We vote for things like American Idol. Because that’s fun. Voting for presidents is not fun. Voting for American– Shebang! Shebang! That’s what they should do for presidents. Just put both guys on TV for one hour, call it something catchy like “Who’s Gonna Run This Bitch?” You put ’em on TV for an hour, let ’em argue 30 minutes into the special, you put an 800 number on the screen, and say “Cast Your Vote.” [phone rings, click] You’ve reached the presidential hotline. For George Bush, press three. John Kerry, press four. Other options, press five. You don’t like either one? Press five. [beep] Please hold. [high-pitched voice hums U.S. national anthem] [rings and clicks] [imitates Clinton] [chuckles] I knew you’d be back. That’s right. You know you miss your daddy. Oh, yeah. I’m such a dork. I don’t care. But I have fun though. One thing you guys definitely made possible is I have the ability now to travel and I never did that. I never used to travel until I became a comedian. I’m, like, Oh my God, there’s a whole other world out there. When I was hanging out in Florida, I got a chance to experience an amusement park that was a little different. It was an alternative park called Gatorland. It’s a real park, and I’ve met the owners and they’re really cool people but I gotta tell you : best part about this amusement park is they have a recording the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You call this park, this is what you hear. [phone rings and clicks] (male voice, Southern accent) Yeehaw! You’ve reached Gatorland, America’s premier gator extravaganza. You’ve seen ’em on TV, now come and see ’em live. Gatorland. You’re gonna love this park. Then he says this: Fer Spanish, press two. [laughter] Oh. I gotta hear this. [beep] I don’t speak Spanish but you’re gonna love this park. I was dyin’! I called him like ten times. Aw, it’s the best. I’m starting to sweat a little bit, huh. Too sexy, arrr. I don’t care though, I have a lot of fun, you guys. You guys have made a lot of things possible. At the beginning, when I first started, coming here to Bakersfield, to the Fox Theater, I used to go to this taco place, up the way called Taco Loco— [cheering and whistling] And it’s still there. I love food on wheels, you know. But this taco place has taken it to the next level. They’re really really good there, they’re not paying me nothing, I’m just talking about ’em, but I go to order and these guys were kinda, you know– the girls were cool but the guys were mean. I try to order some food, I’m like– [thuds] Hello? And the guy is like, Què pasò, gordo wha’ you want? Wha’ you want?? Oh, hey, dude, can I get two tacos, chicken and a Coke? Okay. What else? [laughter] That’s it. Tsk, awww. Whatever, dude. But we had a lot of fun. We got to promote on a lot of different radio stations here in town to get the word out to you guys about the show. They try to get me set up on the Spanish radio stations and I’ve done that in the past and it was okay. But the last few times I had to say no because they put me on the radio with a guy who’s like “from” Mexico. And I can speak Spanish but you put me up against somebody from the Motherland, hoo! I walk in the studio, I’m dealing with this one guy, right? We go on the air and he’s like [speaks rapid-fire Spanish] Que paso! que paso! que paso! I meet that same guy in the hallway, he sounded just like that. Oh, hey, how’s it goin’? Que paso?! Are we on the air? No!! Why are you talking like that? Porque si!! And I freaked out ’cause you imagine this guy goes home talking like that to his wife and his kids? Come two, three o’clock in the morning, his wife maybe wants to do a little “something” and she tells her man, [female Mexican accent] Honey, tonight, when the kids are sleeping, what are you going to do to me? Que me vas a hacer? [speaks rapid-fire Spanish] Quitarte los calzones para ver ese cuuulote! Si. [whoosh] Si. [whoosh] Si. [whoosh] Si. [unintelligible] està presentado por Pepsi! Sì [whoosh]. I know somebody who doesn’t speak Spanish is gonna go home and try it tonight. Sì. [whoosh] (high-pitched female] You better stop that. Sì. [whoosh]. Just have a little fun. Like I said, you guys, I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen. A lot of things have been happening over the years. This past year I had the opportunity to be on a reality show and things kind of worked out a little weird. Well, but hey, all I can say is the winner is the winner, and he did what he did, and he got what he got. But hey, this ain’t bad for sixth place, is it? Huh? [cheers and whistling] Yeah, I’m not the last comic standing, but I’m the only one with a Comedy Central Special. [laughs]. I know my mom is here tonight. She’s like– [speaks Spanish]. I love my mom. She’s over here, you guys. Just say hi to her. Mom. [cheering and clapping] Right there. That little woman made me. And she tells everybody, (high-pitched female) No, he came out of here. Ay, hombre, this is the road to success. She is not shy. She cracks me up though, man. She likes what I do because it’s working, but she still doesn’t get the jokes. It’s not that she doesn’t speak English, ’cause she speaks perfect English. She just doesn’t see me as a comedian. She sees me as her son. I can’t tell her a joke ’cause then she questions it and kills it. I could tell her something, like, Mom, why did the chicken cross the road? And I’ll get, (high-pitched female) Who let out the chicken? It’s a joke. It’s no joke, baboso, you know how much I pay for those chickens? Never mind. No, you never mind. It’s cool, though, man. She’s seen me do a lot of things. A lot of people say, well, you gave your mom a shot, what about your dad? Well, he’s not in the picture. My father, um, ha, let’s put some beans out there, my father was a mariachi. Way–I swear to God–he was one of those straight-up you know, [ra-ta-ta-ta] And my mom hooked up with him about 30-plus years ago one night, and nine months later, tan-tan, and I came out– [laughter] So I have a vague memory of my father. I knew him until I was about maybe four years old. And then apparently they got the band back together and he took off. [laughter] I don’t remember exactly what he looks like, and sometimes I’ll take my mom out to dinner and I’ll go, Mom, I don’t mean to bug you about this, what does he look like? Do you have any photos I can get and idea and stuff? And my mom, she’s funny, she grabs a hot sauce. [high-pitched female] He looks like that. That’s funny, verdad? Eso està funny, verdad? [laughs and screeches] He look just like that. For those of you that don’t know, there’s a picture of a mariachi on the bottle of hot sauce. So, yeah, we’re doing okay. Somebody asked me, they say, Well, on your first special that you got to do, you kept talking about this guy, this friend of yours named Felipe. ls he a real person? He is a real person. And he’s an old friend. Known him forever. But he’s one of these comedians who doesn’t know when to stop being funny. And that’s why it’s hard sometimes to hang out with the guy, ’cause you know, I know when to quit. Especially around cops, when I hear [gun cocks] the joke is over. If I hear [siren] you get an apology. My friend didn’t know when to draw the line and we were hanging out one day and sure enough a freakin’ cop got mad, (deep male voice) Oh, you think it’s real funny, huh? You think it’s easy to be a police officer? You see that scar? I got stabbed in ’92. See that? Bullet wound, ’96. What do you got to say about that? And I was, like, I have nothin’ to say about that. And my friend, Felipe, is, like, Oh, yeah? What are you doin’? Fool, watch this. [screech] What are you doin’? He grabs my shirt, pulls it up, tells the cop, Fool, you see those stretch marks? Doughnuts, 1996. I said, Dude, he’s gonna kill us. I know, fool, but it was funny, huh? And speaking of that, I get pulled over by a cop one night, two minutes after coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. Alright? Don’t get ahead of me, watch, I made a left turn instead of making a right but I wasn’t paying attention ’cause I had a box, I was, like, [gasp] Oh, you’re gonna get it when you get home! Oh, you’ve been so bad. So–[female screech] you’re gonna get it. I’m not paying attention, I go the wrong way, right? [rrr] Sure enough– [siren] [shout] Ohhh! I pull over. [rrr and screech] Mm. Later. [ba-ba-ba] I’m sitting there patiently waiting and the cop is taking forever. I said, The hell with this, he’s taking too long. I grab my box, I put it on my lap, I flipped it open, right? And–[mmmm] [lascivious chuckle] [mmm] [high-pitched screeches] Oh, I was gonna get nasty. And just as I was about to tear it up, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right? [deep male voice] You know why I stopped you? It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, ‘Cause you can smell it. Oh, he was dying, [deep male] Son of a bitch! Whatever, he let me go, man. So you just gotta be careful. If you can make a cop laugh, you got a chance. This past year, I got to experience something else. I experienced my first Raiders game. [loud cheering, clapping, booing] Now, uh– hey, listen you guys, it takes a lot of nerve for me to say that after the season that happened last year that I’m a fan. And I became a fan last year. [cheering and whistling] You can hate it if you want, but you know what? Not only did I become a fan, I did a show in Oakland. And I made a couple of jokes and references about the team. And apparently there were two players in the audience. I didn’t know that. Maybe that’s why they lost. They shoulda been at home, practicing. But there were two there. And they confronted me outside. They were big guys like so, You got a problem with the Raiders, son? I’m, like, [screech] They grabbed me, picked me up, and pinned me against the wall. Oh, my God. Luckily, they fumbled me and I got away. And people go, How do you come up with your material, Gabriel? How do you come up with the things you’re gonna say? Things happen to me and then instead of just going to a shrink, I suck it up and I come up here like when I did the joke about the freakin’ Volkswagen, I really used to own a Volkswagen. I didn’t just go, Let me see if this is funny. I had a Volkswagen. No, I lived it. People go, Why do you wear Hawaiian shirts? I’ve always worn Hawaiian shirts. Bottom line is simple. Why do I wear ’em? ‘Cause they fit. They’re colorful, and I’m sorry– When you wear a Hawaiian shirt and you’re living in the ghetto, people don’t think you’re up to no good. You’re not a gang member wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Nobody’s gonna take you serious, you know? [deep black male] Where you from? [male Hawaiian accent] Oh, Honolulu, eh. [laughter] You can’t be hard and colorful. [laughs] Uh-uh. No way, man. And believe me, I’ve had my encounters. I had a little encounter one time on a plane. Some guy was getting a little weird, and I’m like, Uh-uh, no more for me. Every time I get on a plane, there’s always drama. Always. One time I’m flying to Florida and our plane got hit by lightning. Uh-huh. The plane drops 600 feet [whoosh] straight down. That was better than any ride you’ve ever been on. I don’t care who you are, you could’ve been freakin’ doin’ 20 years in prison, you killed a hundred people, you can be the baddest toughest dude ever. When you’re in a plane and it just drops out of the sky, [gasps] Woo! I was gay for five seconds. I’m not gonna lie! [screeches] [weeping] [screech] Oh, I was a brokeback Mexican, yes, I was. I was in touch with myself. It was funny, man. Before I go, I got one more good story to tell you. I took a road trip about a year ago after I got rid of the Beetle in the SUV. Took a road trip from LA to Phoenix to go perform at this club. Let me tell you who was in the car. I’m driving, I got my buddy Armando riding shotgun. He’s another Fluffy guy, we call him Sexy Bitch. Well, I don’t call him that, his wife calls him that. [high-pitched Mexican female] He’s a sexy bitch! Anyway, in the back seat I got my friend, Martin. Next to him is my friend, Felipe. So we take off– [rrr] we’re on the 10 freeway, we’re passing all these Indian casinos– [rrr] [whoops Indian style]. Sorry, we’re stupid like that. Anyway, all of a sudden all these cars start passing me. [rrr rrr rrr] I’m getting annoyed ’cause I’m driving a [loud truck horn]. I said, Next car that tries to pass me, I’m not gonna let ’em. So I’m looking in the rear view mirror, waiting, looking, waiting, waiting, and I see a silver dot. The silver dot turned out to be a little car with two hoochies in it. Some of you guys are going, How do you know they’re hoochies? ‘Cause my friend Martin was in the back seat going, I feel a disturbance in the force. They try to go around and I cut ’em off. [rrr] [high-pitched laughter] I’m having fun, they’re back there– [light honk]. Whatever! [truck honk] My friend Felipe is in the back seat yelling at me, [male Mexican accent] Fool, what are you doing? Dude, don’t worry, I’m having fun. Gabriel, you’re gonna get pulled over. Dude, I’m okay, it’s cool. We’re arguing, going back and forth, I’m not paying attention. I don’t see a California highway patrol officer creeping up on us. All of a sudden I hear–[siren]. I look at the speedometer: one oh two. [audience ohhhs] Oh, I freaked out. [screeches]. I pulled over. [rrrrrrr] [braking sound] [psssssst] The little car that was behind me with the two hoochies, they got pulled over because they were going just as fast, [rrr and squeak] [laughter] I’m in the front seat of my car, freakin’ out. Oh my God, I’m gonna go to jail. I’m on the verge of tears. From the back seat, I hear my friend Felipe– Fool, what are you cryin’ for? What are you cryin’ for, fool? You’re not the one with weed in his pocket, are you? You have drugs in the car? I told you to slow down, didn’t l? But no! Picachu knows everything. Shoot! Everybody roll down your windows. [frrr frrr] Air out the car. Mondo, fart. Do something, man. The cop walks over to the window, looks in, sees my face, recognizes me from TV, he’s, like, Hey, I know you, you’re a comedian. Yeah, you’re that guy from Comedy Central. You’re the guy that does that joke about his friend at a hotel and you crank-call him and you call him a dirty Mexican, and then you go “But it was funny, huh?” Oh, I love that joke. That one and when you go, [high-pitched female] Chocolate cake! Ohh, I love that joke! I hate to do this to you but we got two cars involved. I need your license and registration. Okay, here you go. Here you go. So he takes my info, goes back to the car with the two girls in it, the whole time he’s back there, I tell everybody in the car, Check it out! He just recognized me from TV! Maybe if we have some fun with him, crack some jokes, maybe he won’t take the car. I don’t care if I get a ticket, but as long as he doesn’t take the car. Mondo, be silly, crack a joke. Martin, be funny. Felipe. [deep voice] What, fool? Shut the hell up! So the cop comes back to the car, What the hell were you doing out there? Before I could think of something funny to say, from the back seat I hear, “Fool, he was testing the suspension.” Oh, my God. This pothead’s gonna get me arrested. Officer, I’m sorry, that’s my friend, Felipe, that’s the guy from the special, the guy who says “But it was funny, huh?” He’s just trying to get me in trouble. I’m really sorry. Whatever. So he goes back to his squad car with my driver’s license, and he’s swiping it in a computer. The whole time he’s doing that, he’s being yelled at from the back seat of my car. Hey, officer, thank God you have a computer! Last week we got stopped in Mexico, that fool had a Rolodex. The cop starts dying. [laughs with screech] I go, Oh, we got him going, we got him going. I told my buddy Mondo, Give me my CDs. I take out my Bad Boys II soundtrack, and I pop it in, track three is the theme song to Cops. I tell my friend, Felipe, Tell me when the cop starts walking. Okay, fool, here he comes. I crank that song as loud as I could. [static and beep] Ha! Bad boys, what you, what you, what you gonna do. [imitates beat music] Best part, now the cop is walking to the beat. [beat music] Even better than that, the two hoochies in the car can hear the music and they’re freakin’ out. They’re, like, [high-pitched] Oh my God, we’re gonna be on TV! The cop goes to the girls, gives them a ticket, lets them go. [rrrrr] Looks at our car and at this point, we’re halfway through the song, we’re, like, [sings reggae] ♫ Police no give Me no break ♫ [unintelligible] Got our arms out the window like a bunch of idiots. The cop is in the middle of the freeway, dying. [screech and laugh] He walks over to the window and he’s like, Shut it off! [screech] [click] Yes, sir. Hands me my license and the registration, and he tells me, Gabriel, I want you to do me a big favor, I want you to keep this tank under a hundred. You think you can do that? Uh-huh. Do that for me, keep on doing what you do, and you have yourself a nice day. But, but, that’s it? No ticket? No ticket. I don’t know what possessed me to look at this man and go, Why? [laughter] How come the girls got a ticket? And he tells me the coolest thing, he says, ‘Cause they couldn’t make me laugh. [laughter] [cheering] Woo-whee! You don’t understand, Gabriel, I’ve been on the force now for 26 years. This is hands-down the funniest damn traffic stop I’ve ever been a part of. Do you have any idea how hard it is to give two sluts a ticket while listening to Cops? I damn near pissed myself I was laughing so hard. This is going in the books as one of the funniest things that ever happened to a police officer, I swear to God. The only story better than this one is a buddy of mine pulled over some fat guy that gave him doughnuts. So he starts walking away, and just as I’m about to start the car, So does that mean I can keep my weed? [laughter] I turn around to yell at my friend, Too late, the cop is at the window, You wanna run that by me again, son? You heard what I said, fool. Oh, you think this a big joke, don’t you? You think that just because I gave your buddy here a break, I know who he is, I like what he does, I don’t know you, I don’t like you. Step out of the car. I turn around and my friend Felipe is, like, Whooo. I am so scared. And the cop pulls out his gun, [cocks gun] I’m freakin’ out, Oh my God! Back seat, my friend, Felipe: Whooo. Whooo. I am so scared. Fool, he is good. He is good. Then he points it at him. The look on my friend Felipe’s face, [gasp] [whispers] Priceless! Are you serious? Are you serious? I’m a-go to jail? The cop was like [cocks gun]– Nah, but that was funny, huh? I love you, Bakersfield! Thank you! [curtain music] (Martin) We’re gonna bring Gabriel back out to answer some questions for you. You guys wanna bring Gabriel back out? [wild cheering] Ladies and gentlemen, coming back to the stage, Gabriel Iglesias. Thank you, Martin. You pulled it off bro, congratulations. I needed that the first time I– well, never mind. They want to ask you some questions, uh, Who we got first? This is a little different something we decided to do because there’s gonna be a DVD release with special features we figured why not, sometimes people do things and sometimes people wanna know information and rather than go on the Internet, you can ask the source. So, here’s you guys’ opportunity, anything you guys wanna ask me, go for it. What’s your name, homey? My name is Danny. Where you from? Visalia, California. Visalia in the house! Go ahead, Danny. This past summer I got on a rollercoaster, when I sat down, it went click, click, click. How many’d you get? Dude, I’m beyond clicks now. I don’t even get on. Like six years ago, bro, I could still go to Disneyland, and lean on–[grrr]. Now, I’m older, I hang out by the strollers. What’s your question, Patricia? How does your family feel about your success? Um, some of the family thinks that I’m doing pretty good. My mom is happy ’cause she’s got a car and it’s paid for. [laughter] There are some members of the family that think I’ve gone Hollywood, and I’m like, Okay. Some of the family members are really cool about it, and some are just kinda you know, hmmm. I love them all, but, you know, hey, whatever. Not everybody can get a check. [laughter] Hey, how you doin’? What’s your name? (Gabriel) JuIia! I know JuIia. You guys go back, eh? Way back. Like that? Like that. My question is to you, I know you’re making fun of me for having the runs and going to pee, and I know you have a girlfriend, I saw her, very pretty, but will you please marry me, my fluffy bunny? [audience goes oh!] “Fluffy bunny?” Wow. Girl, my girlfriend’s gonna jump you and my mom’s gonna help. Take one for the team. Thank you, though. Bye, now. Woo! [screech] Juan, Mexican name. Yeah. Què pasò. How you doin’, bro? Who’s your favorite stand-up and have you ever met him? My favorite stand-up comic, Robin Williams, and I met him last year. [audience cheers] Yeah. Thank you, man. What I was curious about is how you come up with your material. How do I come up with material? Uh, some people have writers, some comics are writers, I don’t know how to sit down and come up with funny stuff and then come out here and try to perform it. I usually react to things that are happening, like people getting up, walking to the bathroom, baboso. And it’s still the same guy, too. Things happen to me on a daily basis, and I find a way to make them funny, like, for example, sometimes at night, when I go to a drive-thru and they mess me up, I like to go back in line again, and mess with them. Like when they come on the speaker, Welcome to McDonaId’.s, how can I help you? I’ll just start messing with them. I’ll do like a girl voice and go, Oh my God, hi! [laughs] You don’t just write that, it’s kind of a spur of the moment type of thing. Then I come up here and tell the story. Everything you hear me talk about on the shows is usually a real story. How are you handling success? How am I handling it? I’ll let you know when this airs. I’ll let you know when the DVDs come out to see if I hang [unintelligible]. Honestly, bro, I don’t know how you would say how you’re handling it, I don’t forget where I’m from, that’s exactly why I wanted to do the special here because it was a– 1 0 years later type of thing. I still have my original best friend from way back in the day when I didn’t have comedy. When I would go spend Christmas at his house. And I have people that love me and care about me whether this happens or doesn’t happen. My brother will still let me sleep on his porch. So, it’s going good, man. Stay true to your roots. Thank you, bro. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a guy by the name of Fast Freddy. Fast Freddy has been coming out to see my shows for what, a good three, four years? 2000 you opened up for Weird Al Yankovic in San Diego. What year was that? Two thousand. So for six years, you have successfully stalked me. [laughter] [high-pitched cries] And made it to the special. This guy right here, is one of the greatest fans any entertainer could ever ask for. And he’s just been a really really nice guy. We did a show in Denver, Colorado, and he had his entire family reunion come to the show. And any time I said his name, they’re like, [screeches] But no, honestly dude, I appreciate your coming out tonight, and I’m gonna see to it you come out on the DVD, and you can burn it, make copies and give it to your friends and sell it at the Swap-Meet. But I really appreciate you and your wife always coming out to the shows. Man, you’ve shown a lot of love and I appreciate you showin’ the Hawaiian shirt. Oh, yeah. But what’s your question, bro? You’ve been all over the nation, performing. Where have been some of your favorite places to perform? I don’t wanna kiss butt but mmm, one of them. [wild cheering] Yeah. Uh, some favorite places have been like, um, Phoenix, Arizona, San Antonio, Texas, Houston, Texas, uh, Florida, all over Florida. Miami. New York. I’ve had a lot of fun places. One of the most interesting was in Canada. I performed for Canadians. Eh. They say “eh” more than gang members. How you doin’, eh? Orale, eh. I love performing everywhere. There are some places that l’d rather not go back, I won’t mention them in case they sell the CD and DVD there. What’s your name? Salvador. Salvador! It’s like a soap opera name. (girl voice) ¿ Donde vas? ¿Quièn eres? (male voice) Salvador. Just messin’ with you, bro. My question is, what’s your mom’s favorite dish that she taught you how to make or not? My mom’s favorite dish, that she would cook? Yeah. Uh, Jack I n the Box. Drive-thru. See, my mom, yeah, she’s Mexican, but she ole school Mexican, she didn’t even wanna cook. When I was a little kid, my mom would go play bingo, she still plays it and she’d come home at like one o’clock at night, and I’m like Mom, I’m hungry. (female Mexican accent) Let’s go. We’d go hit a Jack in the Box and it became a routine. When I was a little kid, I used to be like this, then, years later, Jack in the Box. Mom, what’s your favorite dish? Tamales! Oh, she’s getting mad, [imitates] Tamales! [laughter] Yeah, ’cause she’d make ’em once a year for Christmas and make me cook ’em with her, I’m tying the pinche tamales, I’m holding– [high-pitched] Amàrralos! I couldn’t take a bath because there’s a bunch of freakin’ corn husks in the tub because she’s letting them soak. I smell like culo but she don’t care. [high-pitched] I have to make tamales! Hey, Nick, what’s your question? What’s your favorite joke? What is my favorite joke? Oh, that’s a good question. Donkey! I know it’s not exactly a joke but it makes me laugh every time I say it. Hey! I actually told a joke, it’s not even a clean joke, my very first joke that I told, when I was 1 0 years old, I did a show at my elementary school, I went up on stage and I said this, I said, [unintelligible] I said, Why did the chicken cross the road? And the whole crowd said, Why? And I said, To check out the chicks. My name is Philip. It’s not really a question, I just wanna say thanks, I’m just out of the Marine Corp and I’ll tell you what, man, you brought a lot of laughter to us out there. [inaudible] So I just want to say thanks to you. [unintelligible] You kept us alive through some rough times. So thanks a lot, brother. [chuckles] I appreciate it, man. I’m glad you could make it here, bro. Huh? Tacos, later, what’s up? For Philip and everybody in the Marines, guys, let them hear it. All the troops! [wild clapping and cheering] Go ahead, man. Go ahead. Go ahead. [unintelligible] Ven p’acà. Get to the mike, pendejo. Come here. All night you wanna say something, now is your chance. You wanna scream. Ven p’acà. What have you been drinking all night? [unintelligible]? Budweiserrr. Bud Liiites. He even says it with an accent, huh? Budweiserrr! Bud Liiite! That’s the way you do it. That’s the way they allll do it. What’s your question? Where’s afterward? Last time I was here, we were told you were gonna be in one place and you were at another. I wanna take it from you. What are you asking? Where am I gonna be next? Where we all gonna go? After hours? Fuckin’ Denny’s. [unintelligible] East side? Hey. Hey. East side, north side, west side? south side? [unintelligible]. What’d you say? East side, north side, south side? Cabron, it’s cold, we’re gonna stay inside. I don’t know which one is that. Alright, I guess that’s it, you guys. Hey, listen, I really cannot express how touched I am that you guys sold out two shows tonight, here at the very first place where I started. [wild cheering] This special is gonna air on Comedy Central either June or July and you guys can say you were part of it, and hopefully it looks really nice on TV. Maybe they’ll cut off a pound or two. We’ll definitely be back here, give us about another year and we’ll be back to do it again, and I love you guys, thank you for showing love. Have a good night! Thank you! Captioned by Blue 105 www.blue105.com (male presenter) Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Fox Theater in beautiful downtown Bakersfield, put your hands together, show your love for Martin Moreno! [cheering and shouting] Woo! Bakersfield! How are you guys feeling tonight? [loud cheering] We got a packed house, thank you for coming out, thank you very much for the Latinos in the house. Muchas gracias. Where you at, Rosa? We got enough Latinos in here to start a march. That’s beautiful. Where’s the white people? Make some noise, white people! [loud cheering and shouting] Wow. We are not marching anywhere. [laughter] Get back to work! Where’s the black folks? Make some noise, black folks! [a few voices] [audience laughs] Alright, two! Well, that’s all we need to keep the white people distracted from the Latinos in the house. I love black folks. Black guys have got to be the coolest men on the planet. You know that? That’s right. I’ll tell you right now. A black guy could punk a white guy into some fashion. [laughter] A black guy could show up wearing a clown suit talking shit, it’s a clown suit, bitches! Honk honk, that’s my cell phone, n i g g a. [laughter] There’d be a white guy behind him, Holy shit, we gotta get a clown suit. They are cool. Latinos, we got it all twisted. We thought hard work was gonna do the trick. It’s hard work being Latino, right? You gotta sneak in through the desert, get a job without an I D, learn how to speak English. Black folks tried hard work for 200 years, you see where that shit got them. A boat showed up to Africa, it was a messed-up trip but a boat showed up. Can you imagine if a boat showed up in Mexico? Latinos would be running each other over, trying to get on. Vamonos, cabron, call your tio, it’s free, let’s go! Shit, you think we fit a lot of people in a car? Mess around and give us a boat? We’ll have people hanging from that anchor, Take me too! Oh, man, I talk a lot of shit. It looks like we got a lot of couples in the house. Couples, where you at? Make some noise, couples. [much shouting] Wow. Better you than me. I was married one time, had a traditional Latino Catholic wedding. Very traditional. My girlfriend was pregnant. [laughter] My son was the best man. It was traditional. I’m not doing it again though. And I knew marriage wasn’t for me, because at the wedding they were throwing minute rice. I knew it wasn’t gonna last, right? And my favorite part out of the whole wedding thing was the bachelor party. Are you kidding? Free beers, free lapdances, that’s a good time, right? Because strip clubs are expensive when you gotta pay, right? You got a big ol’ cover charge, you get all mad, I shoulda brought the VIP tickets I got last week. You walk in, beers are eight bucks, lapdances are 25 bucks, and then they trick you, two for one, two for one, but then the song’s over in one minute. What the hell is that? Who’s doing the music here? DJ ComeQuick? This is bullshit. It’s horrible. That is why I like strip clubs in Mexico. That is the shit right there. [cheering] And if you haven’t gone, you owe it to yourselves to take a vacation, just to check it out. [light laughter] Everybody is welcome in the Mexican strip club. You got your wife, you got your kids, come on in, they don’t care. First of all, there’.s no cover charge. There’s a midget about that big, just recruiting people. He’s got horns, whistles, make it look like a carnival. Come on in! You walk in, no cover charge. Two-dollar beers. One-dollar shooters. Lapdances, 25 bucks, but every lapdance has a happy ending. That is good times. You have got to be carefuI at the Mexican strip clubs. The girls look young. They’re legal, but they’re barely legal. It’s like it’s gonna be midnight and they’re like seventeen and a half. It’s like, alright. It’s like a New Year’s countdown. Five, four, three, two, hit the pole, baby, you’re legal. I’m telling you, one of these girls didn’t even have high heels. She had tennis shoes. She was dancing, little lights were coming on in the back. I’m Martin Moreno, you guys have been a lot of fun. Thank you very much. [audience cheers] Thank you! Coming to the stage, a very very funny man, you might have seen him at Que Locos, Latino Laugh Festival. Please a big hand, M r. Noe Gonzalez. [cheering] [inaudible] Alright. Alright. Alright, I’m five foot three, fuck it, how you doin’ everybody? [shouts] Alright. There’s advantages to being short, right? Hell, yeah, I could get drunk quick. Two Bud Lites, I’m gone. [laughter] There’s advantages. I could stand under a table when there’s an earthquake. I could just stand there. You guys good over there? Yeah, I’m good over here. The bathroom of the airplane, I fit in there. Tall people, you don’t fit in there, huh? Your knees are hittin’ the door like that. Not me, that’s like my living room, man. I’m like woo! This flight is takin’ forever. Let me wash my hands real quick. One thing that sucks is that people always know what I am for Halloween. Tall people, you can fool your friends. You show up to the party, everybody’s like, Who’s Batman over there? I don’t know, but there’s Noe right there. Last year I dressed up as King Kong. My friends came up to me, Hey, you’re Curious George, huh, bro? Come here! So I was just watching the movie of exorcism of Emily Rose. Have you seen that movie? That’s a scary movie, man, because the devil could just pop into you at any time. I didn’t know he could do that. You know, she was just walking down the street, How you doin’? [groans] That guy stayed with her, (deep male voice) Honey, I love you, I don’t care! [groan] And then his friends would get mad, he would take her to parties, Hey dude, your chick is triping by the punchbowl, look. [laughter] Nobody wants to drink punch, bro, take her home. (deep male voice) Come on, honey, let’s get out of here. Only white people get possessed by the devil. I’ve seen the first two Exorcists movies, guys. Latinos, we don’t get possessed by the devil because our moms would beat the shit out of the devil. Our mom with el diablo, [speaks Spanish angrily]. Traeme el tapatio, con el tapatìo se sale el diablo. Con el tapatio– Hijo de la chingada! [unintelligible]. Speaking of the devil, I just broke up with my girlfriend. Sorry about that. It was hard, man, because she had cable. [laughter] Man, she has N FL Preview, maybe I should wait till February. We’re always fighting. We got in a fight at six flags. We were right there in line for Superman, the ride. And there was these cholos in front of us, playing around with water guns, just shooting each other. They’re [psh psh] Go Raiders, hey! [psh psh] [laughter] And some water started splashing backward, right? She says, I’m getting wet, do something! And I saw they were cholos, you know what I mean? So I was, like, Take it, bitch! [laughter] We just got us splashed, you got drenched, you didn’t say nothing! Now you want me to go do something? She says, Fine, if I get wet again, I’m gonna go do something. I go, Oh, shit. So an hour goes by, and the cholos they start playing around with the water guns– [psh psh] and she got wet again, (female voice) That’s it! She ran over there, she had a full Coke. And she threw it on the cholos, You like getting wet, huh? You like getting wet? You like getting wet? I’m running behind her going, No!! [laughter] The cholos were standing there, all full of Coke, stunned, all sticky, Then they looked at me, Hey, bro, control your bitch! I was, like, Whoa. See? I told you you were a bitch. Didn’t I tell you–? Hey, bro, I’m not even with her, dog. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, I can’t even get on the rides. Go, Raiders. So I just turned 30 like 4 years ago. All my friends pitched in, they gave me a Harley Davidson for my birthday. It sucked because I couldn’t reach it. I took it back, tried to get it custom-sized, they gave me a Moped. Moped sucks, they have like no power. I couldn’t go over a speed bump– [imitates small motor] So I just got a little dog. I haven’t named it yet. I like the way white people name their pets. You name them after real people, like, this is my dog, Benjamin. Hi, Benji. Latinos we don’t really care what we name our pet, we’ll name it after any object. I went over my cousin’s house, he says I brought a neat dog. He’s right over there. Fierro! [laughter] Black people, they always get big old tough dogs. A pit bull, [barks]. I’ve never seen a black guy with a cat. [laughter] I’ve never seen a black guy in the trees, looking for his cat, (deep black male voice) Where you are, kitty, kitty! Come on, motherfucker, we goin’ for a walk, bitch! Where’s my kitty? Come on, kitty, kitty?! Here, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh, kitty, kitty. [laughter] You guys have been a lot of fun! Thank you very much, guys! Have a good time tonight, guys! Have a good time. Coming to the stage, a very funny man, please put your hands together for M r. Armando Cosio. Thank you. Hey, what’s up? Hey, how you doin’? I know, some of you are looking at me, saying, Hey, didn’t they kill him last week? [laughter] That’s Saddam, man, that’s him. They hung ‘im. Yeah, well, the rope broke. Some of you guys are saying, That guy should work out. Should jog after the ice cream man. That’s what my old lady says. You should jog after the ice cream man. I go, Ha ha, real funny. You know I can’t jog after the ice cream man. He parks in front of the house. [laughter] On purpose. He’s right there, Hey, the gordo lives right here. Go ahead, crank up the music, crank that up. Subele, subele. He’s gonna come out right now. And when he comes out, we’re gonna make them run, and we’re gonna take off. Here it comes, here it comes. Go! Go, go, go! And that’s just the guy with the pushcart and little bell on the handlebars– [pring, pring, pring]. I know how to stop them, though. But hey, Jose, I’m gonna call the green man on your ass if you don’t stop it. Okay, gordo, don’t–don’t fuck around, gordo, okay? Don’t mess around, goddamn it, you son of a bitch, hijo de tu pinche madre, ay goddamn it. I got childrens and everything so don’t fuck. I give you credit. And I’m like, Alright, man. Give me a Choco-Taco. It’s a trip, man when on hot days he’s got beer in there. This is a guy that sells ice cream to our children. I say, Hey, Jose, what the hell is the beer for? No, no, tch, tch, tch. He forgets how to speak, he just blows air. Tch, tch, tch, ahh. Tch, tch, tch. [mumbles] Hot! It is hot, goddamn it. It’s hot. I know it’s hot but you got like a case and a half in there. No, cabron, it’s not just for me. It for my friend, the elote man. The corn guy. You know the corn guy, the elote guy, yeah? [cheering] Yeah. Yeah. [cheering] Same horn, every neighborhood. [squeaking horn] [sings out] Elotes! Elotes! That guy– he parks in front of my house too. Aqui vive el gordo? No, the gordo lives right here. He lives right here. Oh, I got a special horn for him. No, not the [unintelligible]. No, no, a special horn for him. Watch, watch. [squeaky gordo, gordo, gordo] Son of a bitch. Man. And I’ve been married for 32 years, so you know how that is. Yeah. Have to role-play with her and everything. The other day we had sex dolphin-style. You guys ever try dolphin style? Okay, dolphin style is like doggy style but if you hit the wrong opening, she’s gonna go, [eee eee eee] You guys have been a lot of fun, guys, thank you very much. Orale, Bakersfield! [cheering, whistling] | Thank you! Thank you! Wow! [high-pitched screech] [laughs] Oooh! Oh, yeah, I have no pressure. [audience laughs] Thank you so much, Bakersfield. I can’t thank you guys enough for making this a completely sold-out house here– at the Fox Theater. [loud cheering] Yeah, well, a lot of people around say, Where are you gonna do your special? When you get to do your special, where you gonna do it? And a couple people say, Well, are you gonna do it in New York, in L.A.? And I said You know, L.A., New York wasn’t where I got my start, in 1997, my first theater performance was right here on this very stage. [cheering and whistling] And I know some of you are looking at the background going, [high-pitched female] Okay, then if he’s showing Bakersfield love, how come he has a picture of Hawaii? [laughter] And just so you know, that’s not a picture of Hawaii, that’s a picture of the The Bluffs here in Bakersfield. [wild cheering and whistling] Woo! I love you guys, man. I have– I have way too many good memories here, man, some of them are kind of blurred because I was [birdlike noise]. You can’t hang out seriously here. You gotta be careful ’cause the Police here in Bakersfield, they don’t mess around. They will stop you for anything, man. They got me outside, [siren] (male voice over bullhorn) What are you doing? Walking. But I noticed something though. If you can make a cop laugh, they will work with you. But you gotta really make ’em laugh. You can’t just make ’em go, Ahh. You gotta make ’em, you know, [screech chuckle] I made a cop laugh so hard one time, he almost peed on himself. I know this ’cause he told me. He was, like, [Southern accent] You don’t understand. I damn near pissed myself. [laughter] And here in Bakersfield, man, it’s no different, man. I love every part of this town. I even love Oildale. Oh, yeah. And for everybody watching at home, going, What the hell is Oildale? [chuckles] [imitates banjo] Yeehaw! But I still love it, guys, I still love it. But yeah, man, drinking here in town, you gotta be careful ’cause some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can’t. And you have no clue. Guys especially. You know how it goes. We get loaded, we turn into one of three people. We’re either the I love you guy, I hate you guy, or the “mere” guy. You know that guy, right? Shh, hey! Mere. I know ’cause that’s me. Oh my God, I can’t handle alcohol. People, when they get drunk they say things they don’t mean. You know when I’m drunk you hear something like Woo! I’m going running. [laughter] You better cut me off. Aw, hell, yeah man. And when I drink, I only drink like regular alcohol. I don’t do beer. Beer just doesn’t–no. Beer makes me talk to my body. I don’t like that. When I get drunk on beer, I get weird. I’m, like– [breathes into mike] [low growl] What’s the matter? [laughter] [low growl] Hey! You said you could hang. [low growl] Don’t talk to me there! [brrr] You talkin’ shit too? [audience woos and cheers] That’s what I say. You just gotta be careful, you know. And if you’re gonna drink and you are thinking about driving, don’t do it. It’s not a good idea ’cause like I say, You know when you’re drunk. You’re doing laps in the parking lot and you can’t find the exit. Hello? Some of you make it out to the streets, you know when you’re drunk, you’re like, [rrr rrr] Behind you you hear– [truck horn] [drunken slur] Shut up, stupid! If you hear the magical sound [siren] one of two things will pop into your head. Either, one: [drunken slur] I’m okay, I’m fine. I can beat this. Or, two: [siren] [drunken slur] I’m gonna go to jail. [laughter] I’m gonna go to jail! I’m gonna go to jail! I gotta let you go, babe. I gonna go to jail. Tell the kids I love them. Bye. [rrr] I’m gonna tell you right now, again, if you can make the Police laugh, you have a chance. If you do get pulled over for drunk driving, pull over as slowly and as safely as you can. Get over to the– [rrr and screech]. Now, if you know for a fact that you are gonna go to jail, okay, you’re already–I’m gone. Have a little fun. [laughter] I don’t mean take off on a high speed pursuit. No, no, no, don’t do that. ‘Cause you’re not gonna get very far. I mean, if you’re drunk and you know you’re gonna go to jail, and you have tinted windows– have a little extra fun. Take off your seatbelt, jump over to the passenger side, throw your seatbelt back on and just wait for the cop. [laughter] You have no idea how bad you’re gonna throw his ass off, you guys. He’s gonna come over to the driver’s side with a flashlight– And you’re sitting there… [laughter] [drunken slur] He was here a second ago. I don’t know where he went. [laughter] Excuse me? What?? Me drive? Aw, hell no, I’m fucked up. [loud laughter] [cheering and whistling] That’s sad because I know some of you are gonna try it. [laughter] [childish voice] Let’s do what the fat guy said! Do it! And for the record, I’m not fat. I’m Fluffy. [wild cheering] For those of you who still don’t know, there are five levels of fatness. Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and [shouts] Damn! I’m still number four. People go, How do you know when you’re number five? Well, ’cause people will tell you. If you try to get on an elevator that’s crowded and people stop you and go, Uh-uh. Damn! If you go to Disneyland and little kids want to ride–you! [laughter] [childish voice] I wanna get on that one. [deep growl] [child’s voice] Damn. Hey, I’m sorry, little kids are too honest, man. They’re like little alcoholics. I love Disneyland but they’re not fluffy-friendly. They’re not, man. They care about safety, you know, and that sucks, ’cause I could handle one bar. One bar, I’m cool. But now they got the whole–[clacking] If you’re fluffy, one of those is not gonna lock. You’re trying– People are in line, You can do it! One time I took a trip with my buddy Mondo. A big guy, another big guy. And I went with him because his family, they decided to go and he didn’t want to be the only one hanging out by the strollers. [laughter] So we’re hanging out at the end of the day, my buddy Mondo goes, Dude, we should get on a ride! I go, Which one? We can’t get on none of them, dude, we’re too big. He goes, there’s a ride here at Disneyland that’s called Splash Mountain. I go, What is that? He goes, It’s a log and you get inside the log and it goes uphill, it goes down, and makes a splash. No seatbelt, no pull-bar. You just get in and go. I go, No seatbelt? No pull-bar? [high-pitched laugh] [laughter] So we get in line for our ride, we’re all pumped up, and I see people getting off the ride with these little note cards. I go, What are those? He goes, oh, they take a photo of you when you go downhill. Oh, okay, cool. So we get to the front of the line, and then we have to deal with the lady with the headset, the lady who takes her job way too serious. [high-pitched female] Okay, how many people? Four? Okay. Two here, two here. How many, five? Okay, three there, two there. We get to the front, How many peo–? [laughter] Who cares? We get our own boat. We take off. [beeping] [hissing] [chugging] [splashing] We’re splishing and splashing like little kids– [high-pitched laughter] Three minutes go by, the moment of truth, we get to the hill. [splash] [chugging] [chugging stops] [hissing] [laughter] My buddy Mondo turns around, he says, Dude, let’s flash the camera. [loud laughter] I said, You’re stupid. I’m down. [loud laughter] So as soon as they let us go, right? [hissing] [long howl] [loud laughter] [howl] [splash] We get off the ride, we are soaking wet, [screeching laughter] [squish, squish] We’re all rosado right here. We got a mean old baby rash. [squish squish] We go to buy the picture, and there’s a lady behind the counter with her hand on the screen. [chuckles] And I ask my buddy Mondo, I said, Bro, what boat are we? He says, 22. I go, She’s covering 22! He goes, Oh, we better sneak out of here. Ho, yeah, we’re gonna sneak out. [squish squish] We get past the picture girl but then we get stopped by Disney Security. And you have not lived until you been stopped by a freaking man wearing a badge in the shape of a mouse. This guy was like, [Southern male accent] Hold on! Hold on a second! Ma’am, move away your hand from the screen. You guys see what I see here? That’s a disgrace to this park! We can’t believe anyone could take such a photo. My question to you guys– Do you recognize the two big women in this picture? [laughter] And it wasn’t until we walked over to this photo that my buddy Armando and I realized something about ourselves. And that is that when two full-grown fluffy men are going downhill at a 45-degree angle, with no shirts on, going like this, [laughter] we both look like sexy bitches. [laughter] But again, if you’re gonna drink, just be careful, you guys. Some of you can handle, and some can’t– I got kicked out of a bar on Saint Patrick’s Day. I was performing at the bar. How do I get thrown out, right? I’m having fun, people are giving me free drinks. [high-pitched female] Here, have another drink. I’m, like, woo! I started pissing off the management and the owners of this Irish place that I was at. The bartender’s like, Hey, buddy, relax! Are you okay? Are you having a good time? I was so drunk I did this: [imitates Irish accent] I’m having a great time. People around me, Oh my God, are you Irish? I was, like, [imitates Irish accent] Aye! They’re, like, What part of Ireland are you from? Uh, downtown. Are you here by yourself? Oh, no, I’m not here by myself. Donkey! [laughter] Now if you’re not laughing, you need to get out more often because that’s a funny joke. That’s hysterical. Ask a 10-year old, they’ll tell you, [childish voice] That’s funny! I did that joke one night at Memphis, Tennessee. And some guy thought he knew why it was funny. And he was way off but he confronted me outside, all drunk, [Southern accent] Hey, you! Fluffy! I’m, like, What? ‘Mere. No, you ‘mere. And he walks over and he says, I have to tell you your show was hysterical. I done near wet myself when you said ‘Donkey!’ My friend Rod didn’t laugh so I had to explain it to him and he thinks I’m wrong but I know I’m right. Could yah set the record straight? Sure, what’d you tell your friend? Okay, look here, I told him the reason why it was funnier than hell when you said ‘Donkey!’– it’s ’cause you’re Mexican. [laughter] And you people ride Donkeys! [laughter] Normally, I woulda been all over this guy but two things, one, I was in Memphis, Tennessee, no support. [laughter] And, two, the guy was drunk. I just don’t deal with drunk people, man, uh-uh. When it comes to drinking and women, ladies, when you go out, make sure you take one guy with you. You need to take one guy, even if he’s– [high-pitched] Oh, my God! You need one. [laughter] ‘Cause a group of you get together, there’s always one who will elect herself the team captain, right? Try to rally the troops? Get everybody together– [high-pitched] Okay, look, [laughs] check it out, this is a–shut up! [laughs] Okay, look, this is what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna take my car, so leave your car, my car, leave your car, ready, ready, let’s go. They get in the car– [motor noises]. They get to the club– [motor noises]. [clicking heels] [high-pitched] Oh no, my purse! [clicking] They go inside the club, they start jamming, having fun, [club music beat] (male voice) Oo-lah! [club music beat] End of the night, that same girl who’s been the leader, the captain, she gets more hammered than everybody. She’s the biggest hypocrite walking, now missing a shoe, purse, keys, friends, car. Look, some of you are pointing, “That’s you, bitch!” [laughter] End of the night, she’s stumbling out of the club, [high-pitched laughter] I gotta pee. Not anymore. [laughter] She’s on the curb crying, mascara’s coming down her face, [high-pitched] I’m so wasted. Who the hell is gonna want me now? That’s when I come out. [shriek] Wassup? [laughter] I keep coming back to alcohol. I keep having these issues with it. Like, I got loaded one night, and I don’t know what happened, I accidentally wound up at this, um, “dance place”— gentlemen clubby place, right? I wasn’t driving, it was an accident. We pulled up to the place and– [motor noises]. [surprised] Ahhh! I knew where I was at. Even when you’re drunk, you could be drunk and blind, you know where you’re at, as long as you hear– [rapid music beat] [female screech] [laughter] I walked in there and I got recognized by one of the dancers. You gotta call them dancers or entertainers or they get mad at you. They’ll get mad. [high-pitched] I am not a stripper. Okay? I am an–entertainer. I’m like, Nooo, I’m an entertainer. You’re a nasty. Some girl recognizes you, [high-pitched] Oh my God! I know who you are! You’re famous! And I’m like, Oh, no. Oh, no. And some other dancer who’s spinning on a pole overheard “famous” and she stops. Just ee! [laughter] She walks over, Oh my God, you’re famous? Can I have your autograph? [drunken slur] You don’t even know me. I don’t care. Sign it! Okay, relax. What’s your name? Diamond. What’s your last name? Rodriguez. [laughter] To Diamond. With all my love and affection– Hurry up! I got mad so I wrote– George Lopez. [laughter] I was drunk. I didn’t care. I’m all loaded. She freaked out, she’s like– Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You’re George Lopez! I can’t help it, you guys, I was so drunk I did this, I said: [imitates George Lopez] I know, ha. [laughter] Ey! Ey, cabrona! Why you crying? Why you crying? [speaks Spanish] Esta loca. I won’t lie to you guys, George knows I do that. I don’t think he likes it. [laughter] I’ve done that to a couple of other people, you know, I did that to Paul Rodriguez, and Paul was cool. Paul was really cool about it. He was, like, you know, [imitates Paul] Hey, I heard there’s a guy out there who knows how to talk like me. ls that you? I said, [imitates Paul] Yeah, that’s me. [laughter] [imitates Paul] That’s purty good! I said, [imitates George] I know, ha. [laughter] Hey, can you do Mencia? [imitates Mencia] Da-da-daa! [imitates Mencia] Da’s how you do it! Now, Carlos knows I do that, and he gets mad at me ’cause he goes [imitates Carlos] You gotta do it–better! No, sometimes I use my voices for evil, man, I won’t lie. If I don’t have my way, like, when I go to drive-thrus, and they screw up my order, [gasp] oh, I’m evil. I go back around and I start ordering but I throw them off by doing this. They’ll come on the speaker: (impersonal voice) Welcome to Fantastic Burger, how can I help you? I’ll do this: [high-pitched girl] Hello, sir? [laughs] Hi! Can I please have a double cheeseburger, an order of fries and a shake? [laughs] Double cheeseburger, order of fries and a shake. [girl] Oh, my God! Yes! Thank you, pull up to the window. Then I pull up. Oh, they’re not expecting–me. [laughter] [rrr, brakes screech] Oh, the look on their face is the best, right? (guy’s voice) Did you just order? They come back with a bag of food, Um, would you like ketchup? That’s where I let ’em have it. [high-pitched] Oh, my God, yes! [laughs] Hell, yeah, man. Oh, by the way, before I forget, I know I have a habit on my shows of sometimes throwing a little Spanish in there. If you don’t understand Spanish, I do apologize, okay? I promise I will be translating. I don’t want anybody freaking out or reporting me to the management with concerns or issues, you know. [male Southern accent] What the hell is going on in there! What kind of show is this? Now somebody better hit the SAP button on that son of a bitch real quick! I didn’t pay good money to hear some Samoan speak Spanish. I’m not Samoan, I’m–Fluffy. I didn’t know why the guy thought I was Samoan, you know. And I’ve had this happen a couple times where people go, Are you Hawaiian? Why, no. It’s not just the shirt. I thought it was just the shirt but no, how can it just be a shirt? Just because you wear a freakin’ sombrero, that doesn’t make you Mexican. I see white people wearing a sarape, walking a donkey with a sombrero, you don’t look at ’em and go, Hola, amigo. No, you’re like, Hey, Ted. Hi. You know, and he’s walking around Hola. Come on. Come on, stupid donkey. Donkey! Come on. I don’t get it, man. But it’s funny though. I didn’t know why the guy thought I was Hawaiian until I actually went to Hawaii, I found out that Hawaiian people actually look like swollen Mexicans. [laughter] They do! I got off the plane, I looked around, I was, like, [high-pitched] Oh, my God! My family! Even they were, like, Aloha brother, [unintelligible]. Orale! I loved Hawaii. Hawaii was great, man. They have a lot of different cultures there. They have a lot of Asian people. A lot. A lot of Koreans. I know this because I got a couple of shirts tailored at some places, and every time I go in, there’s always a Korean lady. An older Korean lady. Who was mean. l’d walk in and this one lady always had a comment to make. I’m there for a week and every day she had a different comment. I walk in one day and, I couldn’t say anything either ’cause she was 75 years old. I can’t say nothing back. But there I am, walking in. [ding-dong] The lady behind the counter, [imitates female Asian accent] Ohhh! Oh, looka who’s here. [laughter] Looka who’s here. Ohhh, shit, we gonna worka hard today. [laughter] [unintelligible] Whatever. [chuckles] Don’t make fun of me. But I can handle it, you know. I can handle it. People say, Gabriel, you go up there and you make fun of yourself. No, I don’t. I come up here and I tell you the things that I heard people say. There’s a difference. Sometimes I set myself up for jokes and I don’t realize it. Three years ago, I bought a Beetle. Not even thinking. [light laughter] That’s not the joke, shut up. [loud laughter] See, I can’t even tell you guys a story. [high-pitched laughter] Hmm. I wasn’t thinking, I bought the car ’cause it was affordable, economical, brand new freakin’ Beetle for, like, 1 7 grand. I was, like, [high-pitched screech] first new car. I go to show it off at my friend Martin’s house. I thought it was nice, I pull up, you know, [rrr, screech] Martiiin! He lives in the Hood, I don’t get out of the car. Across the street there are these gang members, they don’t really get into shooting people and stuff like that, they just hang out on the porch and talk a lot of smack. So I’m there in the Beetle and across the street I hear this, I’m, like, Martiiin! And over here, I hear– Orale. [laughter] Hey, what’s up, guys? How’s it going? (more distant voice) How’d you get in there ese. [laughter] Hurry up, Martin! [laughter] Two months later, I go back to pick him up. Now I’ve had some time to work on the car, I put some rims on it, some stickers, I put a chip in the motor so it goes faster. I thought I was bad, right? I pull up, [rrr, tires screech] [rrr, rrr] Martiiin! Orale! [laughter] Uh-uh, I’m not turning around. Hey. Uh-uh. Hey. I don’t see you. Yoo-hoo! [grrr] Hey! [grrr] What!! Check it out, hey, it’s the fat and the furious. [laughter] I didn’t even wait, man. [rrrrrr] I got rid of that car, man. I traded it in and got myself a big old SUV. It was nice for a while. This car freakin’ sucked on mileage. I got 11 miles to the gallon. Oh, you cannot be bad-ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos, you can’t. [laughter] You can’t be at the stoplight trying to intimidate other cars, What? What, what, what? [rrrrrrrrr] Twenty bucks right there. Hell, no. But it was kind of cool. It had a GPS navigational system in it. An OnStar which is really cool. I’m driving, and all of a sudden this girl’s talking to me, [ping] (pleasant female voice) Right turn, up ahead. Whoa. [ping] At three quarter tenth of a mile, left turn. And I’m, like, Whatever you say, baby. Being a big guy, I’ve noticed that people feel compelled to tell me certain things after shows. I get people that’ll pull me aside and go, Gabriel, you’re a very funny guy, you’re very talented, don’t you think, perhaps, you’re living a little excess in life? And I’m like, Well, I love to eat. Well, don’t you want to live to be a hundred? Well, not if I can’t eat tacos. Or as many as I want. A lot of people think that just because you work out and lift weights, and you eat right and you do what people tell you to do, that you’ll live a long life. Maybe you will, but, you know, why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were? I’ll measure by freakin’– you know what I mean? [cheering, whistling] What good is it to live to be a hundred but you didn’t do anything? You didn’t go out and kick it with friends, go out and get drunk at some club and wake up in an alley at one time? You know? What good is it? You stayed in the house and you were safe. And I lived to be a hundred. You know, I don’t know. That’s why, I, um, I have a very big amount of respect for the crocodile hunter, rest in peace, but, come on, you guys, yeah, he died at 44 years old, but, he died doing what he loves to do. Not a lot of people can say that. If I die tomorrow from overeating, hoo-hoo, God bless me, that’s exactly how it was supposed to be. [cheering] You know how much adrenaline he had? Every single day, risking his life, you know how you feel when you’re about to cross the street and a car– [rrrrrr] and your ass almost gets hit, and you’re like– [screech] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! and then you’re hysterical. [high-pitched laughter] Oh, my God! I almost died. [laughs] Touch me. Touch me right here. Oh, my– And the rest of the day, you appreciate life, looking at the birds or the sky, [sings] You’re loving life. He did that every day. That’s why every day I try to live just a little bit of my life like I might not be here tomorrow. ‘Cause you never know. I don’t wanna die tomorrow knowing I coulda had a piece of cake tonight. Sure. That’s why people tell me Why don’t you work out? Why don’t you lift weights? What if I’m gonna die tomorrow? I don’t want to die sore. I wanna die full. When the coroner cuts me up, I want the whole room to smell like potato wedges. [laughter] And he’s gonna go, This guy knew how to live, right here, man. Good times. But again, the crocodile hunter, I give him a lot of love, a lot of credit but people go, [high-pitched] It’s such a loss to the nature community, you know, he taught us so much about nature. And I got mad when I heard this lady on TV saying that he taught us a lot about nature and it was, like, No, he didn’t really teach a lot about nature, if you want to learn about nature, you watch Discovery channel or one of these nature programs where they have a guy on safari and he’s studying from afar. Crocodile hunter, no. Come on, every episode, [imitates Steve Irwin] Hey, how you doin’? Look over there, right there. It’s a “toiger.” That toiger weighs 800 pounds and it could kill a man in 10 seconds. I’m gonna touch it. [laughter] Hi, tiger. [grrr] Ow, he’s angry! He’s angry. Next episode, There’s a king cobra, the most venomous snake in all the planet. One “boite” and I’m dead. I’m gonna pick it up. [laughter] [hissing] He’s angry! If he really wanted people to think he was out there, man, America, we should’ve borrowed him, and sent him to Iraq. With no gun, just a camera crew. Do you imagine how bad that woulda freaked out the enemy? You’re a freakin’ soldier working for Al-Qaeda and you’re out there, you know, [imitates Iraq accent, unintelligible] And he’s walking toward him wearing shorts, [laughter] [imitates Iraqi accent, unintelligible] Crikey! [Iraqi accent] What is crikey? What the hell is crikey? And he’s walking up to him, Hey! Look over there, It’s an Al-Qaeda member. An Iraqi soldier, one of the most dangerous creatures in all the planet. One push of a button and I’m gone! I’m gonna poke him with a stick. [scream] He’s angry! [laughter] I think he’s still angry. Yeah, man, this country, I love living here in the United States. I can’t think of anywhere else l’d want to live. Some people say, Well, you’re Mexican. Wouldn’t you rather live in Mexico? [whistles, shouts] Uh–[laughs]. I love Mexico, just visiting, just visiting. I like it right here. That’s why it kind of bothers me whenever people go, (female voice) What is it like being a Latino comedian? I go, I don’t know, I’m a comedian who happens to be Latino. (female voice) What’s the difference? The difference is my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo. [cheering] It’s hard, you guys, you know. Lo español. You speak a little Spanish, it freaks people out. (female) Oh my God, he’s speaking Spanish. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching Spanish programming myself. Some of the stuff is really cool. My favorite thing are the commercials because they’re always about sex. You don’t even know what the product is until like the last two seconds. It’s always some model walking out all sexy, [rhythmic music beat] [sexy female voice] Hola. [rhythmic music beat] [sucks in air] Ay, què rico. [laughter] And on the 28th second, [shout and short gasp] Pepsi. And you’re sitting there, going, I gotta go get a Pepsi. Oh ho yeah! [laughs] Oh my God! I have a thing for soda, I love it, man. I know they gave me water but– (female voice) Oh, a soda! I didn’t even see that right there. Excuse me, un momento. [laughter] Pepsi. [laughter] No, that’s actually diet, which is cool. I’m not on a diet, and it’s funny because people go, Why then do you drink diet soda? So I can eat regular cake. I love cake, man, are you kidding? By the way, I wanna thank the three people who brought me a cake personally. I have them in the back. I really appreciate it. That was very nice of you. The management and the promoters are freaking out there, like, Gabriel, why do they all bring you cake? I go, Because on TV I talked about one time how much I love cake. And so people bring it. My friend Mondo got mad, He’s, like, [Mexican male accent] Why don’t you talk about hookers? Somebody asked me earlier too, they said, Gabriel, when you get to do your special, are you gonna do anything about the country, are you gonna talk about politics? Well, I’m gonna talk first of all about how I love this country, and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. I know that half the world right now thinks that our leader is the devil and most of us would agree. [laughter] He’s not–yeah. I don’t have to make fun of the president. He does it by himself. Okay? [whistling, clapping] He does it by himself. Every time he comes on TV, I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. Especially during press conferences, (high-pitched female voice) Mr. President. Question. It’s been over a year. What is your plan for Katrina? [imitates Bush’s voice] Ha! We’re gonna find her. [laughter] That’s right. And we’re gonna bring Katrina to justice. We have every reason to believe Katrina is connected to Al-Qaeda. Qaeda, Katrina, they both start with a “k.” Our president got elected. I didn’t vote for him, but then again, I didn’t vote for the other guy either. I was just, like–. How Bush won is beyond me. Americans, we love to vote but we don’t vote for Presidents. We vote for things like American Idol. Because that’s fun. Voting for presidents is not fun. Voting for American– Shebang! Shebang! That’s what they should do for presidents. Just put both guys on TV for one hour, call it something catchy like “Who’s Gonna Run This Bitch?” You put ’em on TV for an hour, let ’em argue 30 minutes into the special, you put an 800 number on the screen, and say “Cast Your Vote.” [phone rings, click] You’ve reached the presidential hotline. For George Bush, press three. John Kerry, press four. Other options, press five. You don’t like either one? Press five. [beep] Please hold. [high-pitched voice hums U.S. national anthem] [rings and clicks] [imitates Clinton] [chuckles] I knew you’d be back. That’s right. You know you miss your daddy. Oh, yeah. I’m such a dork. I don’t care. But I have fun though. One thing you guys definitely made possible is I have the ability now to travel and I never did that. I never used to travel until I became a comedian. I’m, like, Oh my God, there’s a whole other world out there. When I was hanging out in Florida, I got a chance to experience an amusement park that was a little different. It was an alternative park called Gatorland. It’s a real park, and I’ve met the owners and they’re really cool people but I gotta tell you : best part about this amusement park is they have a recording the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You call this park, this is what you hear. [phone rings and clicks] (male voice, Southern accent) Yeehaw! You’ve reached Gatorland, America’s premier gator extravaganza. You’ve seen ’em on TV, now come and see ’em live. Gatorland. You’re gonna love this park. Then he says this: Fer Spanish, press two. [laughter] Oh. I gotta hear this. [beep] I don’t speak Spanish but you’re gonna love this park. I was dyin’! I called him like ten times. Aw, it’s the best. I’m starting to sweat a little bit, huh. Too sexy, arrr. I don’t care though, I have a lot of fun, you guys. You guys have made a lot of things possible. At the beginning, when I first started, coming here to Bakersfield, to the Fox Theater, I used to go to this taco place, up the way called Taco Loco— [cheering and whistling] And it’s still there. I love food on wheels, you know. But this taco place has taken it to the next level. They’re really really good there, they’re not paying me nothing, I’m just talking about ’em, but I go to order and these guys were kinda, you know– the girls were cool but the guys were mean. I try to order some food, I’m like– [thuds] Hello? And the guy is like, Què pasò, gordo wha’ you want? Wha’ you want?? Oh, hey, dude, can I get two tacos, chicken and a Coke? Okay. What else? [laughter] That’s it. Tsk, awww. Whatever, dude. But we had a lot of fun. We got to promote on a lot of different radio stations here in town to get the word out to you guys about the show. They try to get me set up on the Spanish radio stations and I’ve done that in the past and it was okay. But the last few times I had to say no because they put me on the radio with a guy who’s like “from” Mexico. And I can speak Spanish but you put me up against somebody from the Motherland, hoo! I walk in the studio, I’m dealing with this one guy, right? We go on the air and he’s like [speaks rapid-fire Spanish] Que paso! que paso! que paso! I meet that same guy in the hallway, he sounded just like that. Oh, hey, how’s it goin’? Que paso?! Are we on the air? No!! Why are you talking like that? Porque si!! And I freaked out ’cause you imagine this guy goes home talking like that to his wife and his kids? Come two, three o’clock in the morning, his wife maybe wants to do a little “something” and she tells her man, [female Mexican accent] Honey, tonight, when the kids are sleeping, what are you going to do to me? Que me vas a hacer? [speaks rapid-fire Spanish] Quitarte los calzones para ver ese cuuulote! Si. [whoosh] Si. [whoosh] Si. [whoosh] Si. [unintelligible] està presentado por Pepsi! Sì [whoosh]. I know somebody who doesn’t speak Spanish is gonna go home and try it tonight. Sì. [whoosh] (high-pitched female] You better stop that. Sì. [whoosh]. Just have a little fun. Like I said, you guys, I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen. A lot of things have been happening over the years. This past year I had the opportunity to be on a reality show and things kind of worked out a little weird. Well, but hey, all I can say is the winner is the winner, and he did what he did, and he got what he got. But hey, this ain’t bad for sixth place, is it? Huh? [cheers and whistling] Yeah, I’m not the last comic standing, but I’m the only one with a Comedy Central Special. [laughs]. I know my mom is here tonight. She’s like– [speaks Spanish]. I love my mom. She’s over here, you guys. Just say hi to her. Mom. [cheering and clapping] Right there. That little woman made me. And she tells everybody, (high-pitched female) No, he came out of here. Ay, hombre, this is the road to success. She is not shy. She cracks me up though, man. She likes what I do because it’s working, but she still doesn’t get the jokes. It’s not that she doesn’t speak English, ’cause she speaks perfect English. She just doesn’t see me as a comedian. She sees me as her son. I can’t tell her a joke ’cause then she questions it and kills it. I could tell her something, like, Mom, why did the chicken cross the road? And I’ll get, (high-pitched female) Who let out the chicken? It’s a joke. It’s no joke, baboso, you know how much I pay for those chickens? Never mind. No, you never mind. It’s cool, though, man. She’s seen me do a lot of things. A lot of people say, well, you gave your mom a shot, what about your dad? Well, he’s not in the picture. My father, um, ha, let’s put some beans out there, my father was a mariachi. Way–I swear to God–he was one of those straight-up you know, [ra-ta-ta-ta] And my mom hooked up with him about 30-plus years ago one night, and nine months later, tan-tan, and I came out– [laughter] So I have a vague memory of my father. I knew him until I was about maybe four years old. And then apparently they got the band back together and he took off. [laughter] I don’t remember exactly what he looks like, and sometimes I’ll take my mom out to dinner and I’ll go, Mom, I don’t mean to bug you about this, what does he look like? Do you have any photos I can get and idea and stuff? And my mom, she’s funny, she grabs a hot sauce. [high-pitched female] He looks like that. That’s funny, verdad? Eso està funny, verdad? [laughs and screeches] He look just like that. For those of you that don’t know, there’s a picture of a mariachi on the bottle of hot sauce. So, yeah, we’re doing okay. Somebody asked me, they say, Well, on your first special that you got to do, you kept talking about this guy, this friend of yours named Felipe. ls he a real person? He is a real person. And he’s an old friend. Known him forever. But he’s one of these comedians who doesn’t know when to stop being funny. And that’s why it’s hard sometimes to hang out with the guy, ’cause you know, I know when to quit. Especially around cops, when I hear [gun cocks] the joke is over. If I hear [siren] you get an apology. My friend didn’t know when to draw the line and we were hanging out one day and sure enough a freakin’ cop got mad, (deep male voice) Oh, you think it’s real funny, huh? You think it’s easy to be a police officer? You see that scar? I got stabbed in ’92. See that? Bullet wound, ’96. What do you got to say about that? And I was, like, I have nothin’ to say about that. And my friend, Felipe, is, like, Oh, yeah? What are you doin’? Fool, watch this. [screech] What are you doin’? He grabs my shirt, pulls it up, tells the cop, Fool, you see those stretch marks? Doughnuts, 1996. I said, Dude, he’s gonna kill us. I know, fool, but it was funny, huh? And speaking of that, I get pulled over by a cop one night, two minutes after coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. Alright? Don’t get ahead of me, watch, I made a left turn instead of making a right but I wasn’t paying attention ’cause I had a box, I was, like, [gasp] Oh, you’re gonna get it when you get home! Oh, you’ve been so bad. So–[female screech] you’re gonna get it. I’m not paying attention, I go the wrong way, right? [rrr] Sure enough– [siren] [shout] Ohhh! I pull over. [rrr and screech] Mm. Later. [ba-ba-ba] I’m sitting there patiently waiting and the cop is taking forever. I said, The hell with this, he’s taking too long. I grab my box, I put it on my lap, I flipped it open, right? And–[mmmm] [lascivious chuckle] [mmm] [high-pitched screeches] Oh, I was gonna get nasty. And just as I was about to tear it up, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right? [deep male voice] You know why I stopped you? It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, ‘Cause you can smell it. Oh, he was dying, [deep male] Son of a bitch! Whatever, he let me go, man. So you just gotta be careful. If you can make a cop laugh, you got a chance. This past year, I got to experience something else. I experienced my first Raiders game. [loud cheering, clapping, booing] Now, uh– hey, listen you guys, it takes a lot of nerve for me to say that after the season that happened last year that I’m a fan. And I became a fan last year. [cheering and whistling] You can hate it if you want, but you know what? Not only did I become a fan, I did a show in Oakland. And I made a couple of jokes and references about the team. And apparently there were two players in the audience. I didn’t know that. Maybe that’s why they lost. They shoulda been at home, practicing. But there were two there. And they confronted me outside. They were big guys like so, You got a problem with the Raiders, son? I’m, like, [screech] They grabbed me, picked me up, and pinned me against the wall. Oh, my God. Luckily, they fumbled me and I got away. And people go, How do you come up with your material, Gabriel? How do you come up with the things you’re gonna say? Things happen to me and then instead of just going to a shrink, I suck it up and I come up here like when I did the joke about the freakin’ Volkswagen, I really used to own a Volkswagen. I didn’t just go, Let me see if this is funny. I had a Volkswagen. No, I lived it. People go, Why do you wear Hawaiian shirts? I’ve always worn Hawaiian shirts. Bottom line is simple. Why do I wear ’em? ‘Cause they fit. They’re colorful, and I’m sorry– When you wear a Hawaiian shirt and you’re living in the ghetto, people don’t think you’re up to no good. You’re not a gang member wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Nobody’s gonna take you serious, you know? [deep black male] Where you from? [male Hawaiian accent] Oh, Honolulu, eh. [laughter] You can’t be hard and colorful. [laughs] Uh-uh. No way, man. And believe me, I’ve had my encounters. I had a little encounter one time on a plane. Some guy was getting a little weird, and I’m like, Uh-uh, no more for me. Every time I get on a plane, there’s always drama. Always. One time I’m flying to Florida and our plane got hit by lightning. Uh-huh. The plane drops 600 feet [whoosh] straight down. That was better than any ride you’ve ever been on. I don’t care who you are, you could’ve been freakin’ doin’ 20 years in prison, you killed a hundred people, you can be the baddest toughest dude ever. When you’re in a plane and it just drops out of the sky, [gasps] Woo! I was gay for five seconds. I’m not gonna lie! [screeches] [weeping] [screech] Oh, I was a brokeback Mexican, yes, I was. I was in touch with myself. It was funny, man. Before I go, I got one more good story to tell you. I took a road trip about a year ago after I got rid of the Beetle in the SUV. Took a road trip from LA to Phoenix to go perform at this club. Let me tell you who was in the car. I’m driving, I got my buddy Armando riding shotgun. He’s another Fluffy guy, we call him Sexy Bitch. Well, I don’t call him that, his wife calls him that. [high-pitched Mexican female] He’s a sexy bitch! Anyway, in the back seat I got my friend, Martin. Next to him is my friend, Felipe. So we take off– [rrr] we’re on the 10 freeway, we’re passing all these Indian casinos– [rrr] [whoops Indian style]. Sorry, we’re stupid like that. Anyway, all of a sudden all these cars start passing me. [rrr rrr rrr] I’m getting annoyed ’cause I’m driving a [loud truck horn]. I said, Next car that tries to pass me, I’m not gonna let ’em. So I’m looking in the rear view mirror, waiting, looking, waiting, waiting, and I see a silver dot. The silver dot turned out to be a little car with two hoochies in it. Some of you guys are going, How do you know they’re hoochies? ‘Cause my friend Martin was in the back seat going, I feel a disturbance in the force. They try to go around and I cut ’em off. [rrr] [high-pitched laughter] I’m having fun, they’re back there– [light honk]. Whatever! [truck honk] My friend Felipe is in the back seat yelling at me, [male Mexican accent] Fool, what are you doing? Dude, don’t worry, I’m having fun. Gabriel, you’re gonna get pulled over. Dude, I’m okay, it’s cool. We’re arguing, going back and forth, I’m not paying attention. I don’t see a California highway patrol officer creeping up on us. All of a sudden I hear–[siren]. I look at the speedometer: one oh two. [audience ohhhs] Oh, I freaked out. [screeches]. I pulled over. [rrrrrrr] [braking sound] [psssssst] The little car that was behind me with the two hoochies, they got pulled over because they were going just as fast, [rrr and squeak] [laughter] I’m in the front seat of my car, freakin’ out. Oh my God, I’m gonna go to jail. I’m on the verge of tears. From the back seat, I hear my friend Felipe– Fool, what are you cryin’ for? What are you cryin’ for, fool? You’re not the one with weed in his pocket, are you? You have drugs in the car? I told you to slow down, didn’t l? But no! Picachu knows everything. Shoot! Everybody roll down your windows. [frrr frrr] Air out the car. Mondo, fart. Do something, man. The cop walks over to the window, looks in, sees my face, recognizes me from TV, he’s, like, Hey, I know you, you’re a comedian. Yeah, you’re that guy from Comedy Central. You’re the guy that does that joke about his friend at a hotel and you crank-call him and you call him a dirty Mexican, and then you go “But it was funny, huh?” Oh, I love that joke. That one and when you go, [high-pitched female] Chocolate cake! Ohh, I love that joke! I hate to do this to you but we got two cars involved. I need your license and registration. Okay, here you go. Here you go. So he takes my info, goes back to the car with the two girls in it, the whole time he’s back there, I tell everybody in the car, Check it out! He just recognized me from TV! Maybe if we have some fun with him, crack some jokes, maybe he won’t take the car. I don’t care if I get a ticket, but as long as he doesn’t take the car. Mondo, be silly, crack a joke. Martin, be funny. Felipe. [deep voice] What, fool? Shut the hell up! So the cop comes back to the car, What the hell were you doing out there? Before I could think of something funny to say, from the back seat I hear, “Fool, he was testing the suspension.” Oh, my God. This pothead’s gonna get me arrested. Officer, I’m sorry, that’s my friend, Felipe, that’s the guy from the special, the guy who says “But it was funny, huh?” He’s just trying to get me in trouble. I’m really sorry. Whatever. So he goes back to his squad car with my driver’s license, and he’s swiping it in a computer. The whole time he’s doing that, he’s being yelled at from the back seat of my car. Hey, officer, thank God you have a computer! Last week we got stopped in Mexico, that fool had a Rolodex. The cop starts dying. [laughs with screech] I go, Oh, we got him going, we got him going. I told my buddy Mondo, Give me my CDs. I take out my Bad Boys II soundtrack, and I pop it in, track three is the theme song to Cops. I tell my friend, Felipe, Tell me when the cop starts walking. Okay, fool, here he comes. I crank that song as loud as I could. [static and beep] Ha! Bad boys, what you, what you, what you gonna do. [imitates beat music] Best part, now the cop is walking to the beat. [beat music] Even better than that, the two hoochies in the car can hear the music and they’re freakin’ out. They’re, like, [high-pitched] Oh my God, we’re gonna be on TV! The cop goes to the girls, gives them a ticket, lets them go. [rrrrr] Looks at our car and at this point, we’re halfway through the song, we’re, like, [sings reggae] ♫ Police no give Me no break ♫ [unintelligible] Got our arms out the window like a bunch of idiots. The cop is in the middle of the freeway, dying. [screech and laugh] He walks over to the window and he’s like, Shut it off! [screech] [click] Yes, sir. Hands me my license and the registration, and he tells me, Gabriel, I want you to do me a big favor, I want you to keep this tank under a hundred. You think you can do that? Uh-huh. Do that for me, keep on doing what you do, and you have yourself a nice day. But, but, that’s it? No ticket? No ticket. I don’t know what possessed me to look at this man and go, Why? [laughter] How come the girls got a ticket? And he tells me the coolest thing, he says, ‘Cause they couldn’t make me laugh. [laughter] [cheering] Woo-whee! You don’t understand, Gabriel, I’ve been on the force now for 26 years. This is hands-down the funniest damn traffic stop I’ve ever been a part of. Do you have any idea how hard it is to give two sluts a ticket while listening to Cops? I damn near pissed myself I was laughing so hard. This is going in the books as one of the funniest things that ever happened to a police officer, I swear to God. The only story better than this one is a buddy of mine pulled over some fat guy that gave him doughnuts. So he starts walking away, and just as I’m about to start the car, So does that mean I can keep my weed? [laughter] I turn around to yell at my friend, Too late, the cop is at the window, You wanna run that by me again, son? You heard what I said, fool. Oh, you think this a big joke, don’t you? You think that just because I gave your buddy here a break, I know who he is, I like what he does, I don’t know you, I don’t like you. Step out of the car. I turn around and my friend Felipe is, like, Whooo. I am so scared. And the cop pulls out his gun, [cocks gun] I’m freakin’ out, Oh my God! Back seat, my friend, Felipe: Whooo. Whooo. I am so scared. Fool, he is good. He is good. Then he points it at him. The look on my friend Felipe’s face, [gasp] [whispers] Priceless! Are you serious? Are you serious? I’m a-go to jail? The cop was like [cocks gun]– Nah, but that was funny, huh? I love you, Bakersfield! Thank you! [curtain music] (Martin) We’re gonna bring Gabriel back out to answer some questions for you. You guys wanna bring Gabriel back out? [wild cheering] Ladies and gentlemen, coming back to the stage, Gabriel Iglesias. Thank you, Martin. You pulled it off bro, congratulations. I needed that the first time I– well, never mind. They want to ask you some questions, uh, Who we got first? This is a little different something we decided to do because there’s gonna be a DVD release with special features we figured why not, sometimes people do things and sometimes people wanna know information and rather than go on the Internet, you can ask the source. So, here’s you guys’ opportunity, anything you guys wanna ask me, go for it. What’s your name, homey? My name is Danny. Where you from? Visalia, California. Visalia in the house! Go ahead, Danny. This past summer I got on a rollercoaster, when I sat down, it went click, click, click. How many’d you get? Dude, I’m beyond clicks now. I don’t even get on. Like six years ago, bro, I could still go to Disneyland, and lean on–[grrr]. Now, I’m older, I hang out by the strollers. What’s your question, Patricia? How does your family feel about your success? Um, some of the family thinks that I’m doing pretty good. My mom is happy ’cause she’s got a car and it’s paid for. [laughter] There are some members of the family that think I’ve gone Hollywood, and I’m like, Okay. Some of the family members are really cool about it, and some are just kinda you know, hmmm. I love them all, but, you know, hey, whatever. Not everybody can get a check. [laughter] Hey, how you doin’? What’s your name? (Gabriel) JuIia! I know JuIia. You guys go back, eh? Way back. Like that? Like that. My question is to you, I know you’re making fun of me for having the runs and going to pee, and I know you have a girlfriend, I saw her, very pretty, but will you please marry me, my fluffy bunny? [audience goes oh!] “Fluffy bunny?” Wow. Girl, my girlfriend’s gonna jump you and my mom’s gonna help. Take one for the team. Thank you, though. Bye, now. Woo! [screech] Juan, Mexican name. Yeah. Què pasò. How you doin’, bro? Who’s your favorite stand-up and have you ever met him? My favorite stand-up comic, Robin Williams, and I met him last year. [audience cheers] Yeah. Thank you, man. What I was curious about is how you come up with your material. How do I come up with material? Uh, some people have writers, some comics are writers, I don’t know how to sit down and come up with funny stuff and then come out here and try to perform it. I usually react to things that are happening, like people getting up, walking to the bathroom, baboso. And it’s still the same guy, too. Things happen to me on a daily basis, and I find a way to make them funny, like, for example, sometimes at night, when I go to a drive-thru and they mess me up, I like to go back in line again, and mess with them. Like when they come on the speaker, Welcome to McDonaId’.s, how can I help you? I’ll just start messing with them. I’ll do like a girl voice and go, Oh my God, hi! [laughs] You don’t just write that, it’s kind of a spur of the moment type of thing. Then I come up here and tell the story. Everything you hear me talk about on the shows is usually a real story. How are you handling success? How am I handling it? I’ll let you know when this airs. I’ll let you know when the DVDs come out to see if I hang [unintelligible]. Honestly, bro, I don’t know how you would say how you’re handling it, I don’t forget where I’m from, that’s exactly why I wanted to do the special here because it was a– 1 0 years later type of thing. I still have my original best friend from way back in the day when I didn’t have comedy. When I would go spend Christmas at his house. And I have people that love me and care about me whether this happens or doesn’t happen. My brother will still let me sleep on his porch. So, it’s going good, man. Stay true to your roots. Thank you, bro. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a guy by the name of Fast Freddy. Fast Freddy has been coming out to see my shows for what, a good three, four years? 2000 you opened up for Weird Al Yankovic in San Diego. What year was that? Two thousand. So for six years, you have successfully stalked me. [laughter] [high-pitched cries] And made it to the special. This guy right here, is one of the greatest fans any entertainer could ever ask for. And he’s just been a really really nice guy. We did a show in Denver, Colorado, and he had his entire family reunion come to the show. And any time I said his name, they’re like, [screeches] But no, honestly dude, I appreciate your coming out tonight, and I’m gonna see to it you come out on the DVD, and you can burn it, make copies and give it to your friends and sell it at the Swap-Meet. But I really appreciate you and your wife always coming out to the shows. Man, you’ve shown a lot of love and I appreciate you showin’ the Hawaiian shirt. Oh, yeah. But what’s your question, bro? You’ve been all over the nation, performing. Where have been some of your favorite places to perform? I don’t wanna kiss butt but mmm, one of them. [wild cheering] Yeah. Uh, some favorite places have been like, um, Phoenix, Arizona, San Antonio, Texas, Houston, Texas, uh, Florida, all over Florida. Miami. New York. I’ve had a lot of fun places. One of the most interesting was in Canada. I performed for Canadians. Eh. They say “eh” more than gang members. How you doin’, eh? Orale, eh. I love performing everywhere. There are some places that l’d rather not go back, I won’t mention them in case they sell the CD and DVD there. What’s your name? Salvador. Salvador! It’s like a soap opera name. (girl voice) ¿ Donde vas? ¿Quièn eres? (male voice) Salvador. Just messin’ with you, bro. My question is, what’s your mom’s favorite dish that she taught you how to make or not? My mom’s favorite dish, that she would cook? Yeah. Uh, Jack I n the Box. Drive-thru. See, my mom, yeah, she’s Mexican, but she ole school Mexican, she didn’t even wanna cook. When I was a little kid, my mom would go play bingo, she still plays it and she’d come home at like one o’clock at night, and I’m like Mom, I’m hungry. (female Mexican accent) Let’s go. We’d go hit a Jack in the Box and it became a routine. When I was a little kid, I used to be like this, then, years later, Jack in the Box. Mom, what’s your favorite dish? Tamales! Oh, she’s getting mad, [imitates] Tamales! [laughter] Yeah, ’cause she’d make ’em once a year for Christmas and make me cook ’em with her, I’m tying the pinche tamales, I’m holding– [high-pitched] Amàrralos! I couldn’t take a bath because there’s a bunch of freakin’ corn husks in the tub because she’s letting them soak. I smell like culo but she don’t care. [high-pitched] I have to make tamales! Hey, Nick, what’s your question? What’s your favorite joke? What is my favorite joke? Oh, that’s a good question. Donkey! I know it’s not exactly a joke but it makes me laugh every time I say it. Hey! I actually told a joke, it’s not even a clean joke, my very first joke that I told, when I was 1 0 years old, I did a show at my elementary school, I went up on stage and I said this, I said, [unintelligible] I said, Why did the chicken cross the road? And the whole crowd said, Why? And I said, To check out the chicks. My name is Philip. It’s not really a question, I just wanna say thanks, I’m just out of the Marine Corp and I’ll tell you what, man, you brought a lot of laughter to us out there. [inaudible] So I just want to say thanks to you. [unintelligible] You kept us alive through some rough times. So thanks a lot, brother. [chuckles] I appreciate it, man. I’m glad you could make it here, bro. Huh? Tacos, later, what’s up? For Philip and everybody in the Marines, guys, let them hear it. All the troops! [wild clapping and cheering] Go ahead, man. Go ahead. Go ahead. [unintelligible] Ven p’acà. Get to the mike, pendejo. Come here. All night you wanna say something, now is your chance. You wanna scream. Ven p’acà. What have you been drinking all night? [unintelligible]? Budweiserrr. Bud Liiites. He even says it with an accent, huh? Budweiserrr! Bud Liiite! That’s the way you do it. That’s the way they allll do it. What’s your question? Where’s afterward? Last time I was here, we were told you were gonna be in one place and you were at another. I wanna take it from you. What are you asking? Where am I gonna be next? Where we all gonna go? After hours? Fuckin’ Denny’s. [unintelligible] East side? Hey. Hey. East side, north side, west side? south side? [unintelligible]. What’d you say? East side, north side, south side? Cabron, it’s cold, we’re gonna stay inside. I don’t know which one is that. Alright, I guess that’s it, you guys. Hey, listen, I really cannot express how touched I am that you guys sold out two shows tonight, here at the very first place where I started. [wild cheering] This special is gonna air on Comedy Central either June or July and you guys can say you were part of it, and hopefully it looks really nice on TV. Maybe they’ll cut off a pound or two. We’ll definitely be back here, give us about another year and we’ll be back to do it again, and I love you guys, thank you for showing love. Have a good night! Thank you! Captioned by Blue 105 www.blue105.com (male presenter) Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Fox Theater in beautiful downtown Bakersfield, put your hands together, show your love for Martin Moreno! [cheering and shouting] Woo! Bakersfield! How are you guys feeling tonight? [loud cheering] We got a packed house, thank you for coming out, thank you very much for the Latinos in the house. Muchas gracias. Where you at, Rosa? We got enough Latinos in here to start a march. That’s beautiful. Where’s the white people? Make some noise, white people! [loud cheering and shouting] Wow. We are not marching anywhere. [laughter] Get back to work! Where’s the black folks? Make some noise, black folks! [a few voices] [audience laughs] Alright, two! Well, that’s all we need to keep the white people distracted from the Latinos in the house. I love black folks. Black guys have got to be the coolest men on the planet. You know that? That’s right. I’ll tell you right now. A black guy could punk a white guy into some fashion. [laughter] A black guy could show up wearing a clown suit talking shit, it’s a clown suit, bitches! Honk honk, that’s my cell phone, n i g g a. [laughter] There’d be a white guy behind him, Holy shit, we gotta get a clown suit. They are cool. Latinos, we got it all twisted. We thought hard work was gonna do the trick. It’s hard work being Latino, right? You gotta sneak in through the desert, get a job without an I D, learn how to speak English. Black folks tried hard work for 200 years, you see where that shit got them. A boat showed up to Africa, it was a messed-up trip but a boat showed up. Can you imagine if a boat showed up in Mexico? Latinos would be running each other over, trying to get on. Vamonos, cabron, call your tio, it’s free, let’s go! Shit, you think we fit a lot of people in a car? Mess around and give us a boat? We’ll have people hanging from that anchor, Take me too! Oh, man, I talk a lot of shit. It looks like we got a lot of couples in the house. Couples, where you at? Make some noise, couples. [much shouting] Wow. Better you than me. I was married one time, had a traditional Latino Catholic wedding. Very traditional. My girlfriend was pregnant. [laughter] My son was the best man. It was traditional. I’m not doing it again though. And I knew marriage wasn’t for me, because at the wedding they were throwing minute rice. I knew it wasn’t gonna last, right? And my favorite part out of the whole wedding thing was the bachelor party. Are you kidding? Free beers, free lapdances, that’s a good time, right? Because strip clubs are expensive when you gotta pay, right? You got a big ol’ cover charge, you get all mad, I shoulda brought the VIP tickets I got last week. You walk in, beers are eight bucks, lapdances are 25 bucks, and then they trick you, two for one, two for one, but then the song’s over in one minute. What the hell is that? Who’s doing the music here? DJ ComeQuick? This is bullshit. It’s horrible. That is why I like strip clubs in Mexico. That is the shit right there. [cheering] And if you haven’t gone, you owe it to yourselves to take a vacation, just to check it out. [light laughter] Everybody is welcome in the Mexican strip club. You got your wife, you got your kids, come on in, they don’t care. First of all, there’.s no cover charge. There’s a midget about that big, just recruiting people. He’s got horns, whistles, make it look like a carnival. Come on in! You walk in, no cover charge. Two-dollar beers. One-dollar shooters. Lapdances, 25 bucks, but every lapdance has a happy ending. That is good times. You have got to be carefuI at the Mexican strip clubs. The girls look young. They’re legal, but they’re barely legal. It’s like it’s gonna be midnight and they’re like seventeen and a half. It’s like, alright. It’s like a New Year’s countdown. Five, four, three, two, hit the pole, baby, you’re legal. I’m telling you, one of these girls didn’t even have high heels. She had tennis shoes. She was dancing, little lights were coming on in the back. I’m Martin Moreno, you guys have been a lot of fun. Thank you very much. [audience cheers] Thank you! Coming to the stage, a very very funny man, you might have seen him at Que Locos, Latino Laugh Festival. Please a big hand, M r. Noe Gonzalez. [cheering] [inaudible] Alright. Alright. Alright, I’m five foot three, fuck it, how you doin’ everybody? [shouts] Alright. There’s advantages to being short, right? Hell, yeah, I could get drunk quick. Two Bud Lites, I’m gone. [laughter] There’s advantages. I could stand under a table when there’s an earthquake. I could just stand there. You guys good over there? Yeah, I’m good over here. The bathroom of the airplane, I fit in there. Tall people, you don’t fit in there, huh? Your knees are hittin’ the door like that. Not me, that’s like my living room, man. I’m like woo! This flight is takin’ forever. Let me wash my hands real quick. One thing that sucks is that people always know what I am for Halloween. Tall people, you can fool your friends. You show up to the party, everybody’s like, Who’s Batman over there? I don’t know, but there’s Noe right there. Last year I dressed up as King Kong. My friends came up to me, Hey, you’re Curious George, huh, bro? Come here! So I was just watching the movie of exorcism of Emily Rose. Have you seen that movie? That’s a scary movie, man, because the devil could just pop into you at any time. I didn’t know he could do that. You know, she was just walking down the street, How you doin’? [groans] That guy stayed with her, (deep male voice) Honey, I love you, I don’t care! [groan] And then his friends would get mad, he would take her to parties, Hey dude, your chick is triping by the punchbowl, look. [laughter] Nobody wants to drink punch, bro, take her home. (deep male voice) Come on, honey, let’s get out of here. Only white people get possessed by the devil. I’ve seen the first two Exorcists movies, guys. Latinos, we don’t get possessed by the devil because our moms would beat the shit out of the devil. Our mom with el diablo, [speaks Spanish angrily]. Traeme el tapatio, con el tapatìo se sale el diablo. Con el tapatio– Hijo de la chingada! [unintelligible]. Speaking of the devil, I just broke up with my girlfriend. Sorry about that. It was hard, man, because she had cable. [laughter] Man, she has N FL Preview, maybe I should wait till February. We’re always fighting. We got in a fight at six flags. We were right there in line for Superman, the ride. And there was these cholos in front of us, playing around with water guns, just shooting each other. They’re [psh psh] Go Raiders, hey! [psh psh] [laughter] And some water started splashing backward, right? She says, I’m getting wet, do something! And I saw they were cholos, you know what I mean? So I was, like, Take it, bitch! [laughter] We just got us splashed, you got drenched, you didn’t say nothing! Now you want me to go do something? She says, Fine, if I get wet again, I’m gonna go do something. I go, Oh, shit. So an hour goes by, and the cholos they start playing around with the water guns– [psh psh] and she got wet again, (female voice) That’s it! She ran over there, she had a full Coke. And she threw it on the cholos, You like getting wet, huh? You like getting wet? You like getting wet? I’m running behind her going, No!! [laughter] The cholos were standing there, all full of Coke, stunned, all sticky, Then they looked at me, Hey, bro, control your bitch! I was, like, Whoa. See? I told you you were a bitch. Didn’t I tell you–? Hey, bro, I’m not even with her, dog. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, I can’t even get on the rides. Go, Raiders. So I just turned 30 like 4 years ago. All my friends pitched in, they gave me a Harley Davidson for my birthday. It sucked because I couldn’t reach it. I took it back, tried to get it custom-sized, they gave me a Moped. Moped sucks, they have like no power. I couldn’t go over a speed bump– [imitates small motor] So I just got a little dog. I haven’t named it yet. I like the way white people name their pets. You name them after real people, like, this is my dog, Benjamin. Hi, Benji. Latinos we don’t really care what we name our pet, we’ll name it after any object. I went over my cousin’s house, he says I brought a neat dog. He’s right over there. Fierro! [laughter] Black people, they always get big old tough dogs. A pit bull, [barks]. I’ve never seen a black guy with a cat. [laughter] I’ve never seen a black guy in the trees, looking for his cat, (deep black male voice) Where you are, kitty, kitty! Come on, motherfucker, we goin’ for a walk, bitch! Where’s my kitty? Come on, kitty, kitty?! Here, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh, kitty, kitty. [laughter] You guys have been a lot of fun! Thank you very much, guys! Have a good time tonight, guys! Have a good time. Coming to the stage, a very funny man, please put your hands together for M r. Armando Cosio. Thank you. Hey, what’s up? Hey, how you doin’? I know, some of you are looking at me, saying, Hey, didn’t they kill him last week? [laughter] That’s Saddam, man, that’s him. They hung ‘im. Yeah, well, the rope broke. Some of you guys are saying, That guy should work out. Should jog after the ice cream man. That’s what my old lady says. You should jog after the ice cream man. I go, Ha ha, real funny. You know I can’t jog after the ice cream man. He parks in front of the house. [laughter] On purpose. He’s right there, Hey, the gordo lives right here. Go ahead, crank up the music, crank that up. Subele, subele. He’s gonna come out right now. And when he comes out, we’re gonna make them run, and we’re gonna take off. Here it comes, here it comes. Go! Go, go, go! And that’s just the guy with the pushcart and little bell on the handlebars– [pring, pring, pring]. I know how to stop them, though. But hey, Jose, I’m gonna call the green man on your ass if you don’t stop it. Okay, gordo, don’t–don’t fuck around, gordo, okay? Don’t mess around, goddamn it, you son of a bitch, hijo de tu pinche madre, ay goddamn it. I got childrens and everything so don’t fuck. I give you credit. And I’m like, Alright, man. Give me a Choco-Taco. It’s a trip, man when on hot days he’s got beer in there. This is a guy that sells ice cream to our children. I say, Hey, Jose, what the hell is the beer for? No, no, tch, tch, tch. He forgets how to speak, he just blows air. Tch, tch, tch, ahh. Tch, tch, tch. [mumbles] Hot! It is hot, goddamn it. It’s hot. I know it’s hot but you got like a case and a half in there. No, cabron, it’s not just for me. It for my friend, the elote man. The corn guy. You know the corn guy, the elote guy, yeah? [cheering] Yeah. Yeah. [cheering] Same horn, every neighborhood. [squeaking horn] [sings out] Elotes! Elotes! That guy– he parks in front of my house too. Aqui vive el gordo? No, the gordo lives right here. He lives right here. Oh, I got a special horn for him. No, not the [unintelligible]. No, no, a special horn for him. Watch, watch. [squeaky gordo, gordo, gordo] Son of a bitch. Man. And I’ve been married for 32 years, so you know how that is. Yeah. Have to role-play with her and everything. The other day we had sex dolphin-style. You guys ever try dolphin style? Okay, dolphin style is like doggy style but if you hit the wrong opening, she’s gonna go, [eee eee eee] You guys have been a lot of fun, guys, thank you very much. Orale, Bakersfield! [cheering, whistling] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-armageddon-transcript/ | Ricky Gervais: Armageddon (2023) | Transcript | ricky gervais | Ricky Gervais: Armageddon is packed with Gervais‘ signature brand of sharp, often controversial humor, tackling topics like artificial intelligence, political correctness, family weddings, funerals, and, as the title suggests, the end of humanity. It’s a show for fans of his biting humor and willingness to push boundaries. If you’re easily offended or prefer more gentle comedy, it might not be your cup of tea. However, if you appreciate Gervais’ brand of dark humor and insightful observations, you’re likely to find plenty to laugh at, even if you cringe at times. Ricky Gervais: Armageddon is streaming on Netflix from December 25, 2023 * * * [audience chattering] [audience cheering and whistling] Hello. Thank you. [clears throat] Thank you. Thank you very much. Cheers. Thank you. [man 1] Whoo! No. Shh. That’s… You’ve… Thank you. [man 1 yells] No, you know the score. [man 1 yells] Shut the fuck up. [audience laughing] Thank you. Welcome to my new show. So new, in fact, it’s still evolving. I’ve got bits tonight I haven’t done before, right? [audience cheering] If I ad-lib, I haven’t even thought it before. And I have some terrible fucking thoughts. [audience laughing] But you can’t help that, can you? You can’t choose your thoughts. They just appear. It’s too late. You have a thought, and it goes, “I’m a thought.” And you go, “Oh fuck, I thought that.” [audience laughing] And then, sometimes, the thought will go, “Now say it.” [audience laughing] And I say it, and… Netflix. [audience laughing] My last show, SuperNature, dropped on Netflix last year. Um, big backlash, wasn’t there? [audience cheering] Big… Oh, big backlash. People going, “You can’t say that.” You can. You can. [audience laughing] I did. Um… [audience cheering and whistling] Yeah, the inevitable backlash, which made it the most-watched special of the year, so… [audience laughing] I’ve learned my lesson. Um… [audience laughing] No, I have learned my lesson, and that’s why I’m going to be woke from now on. [audience laughing and booing] It’s about time. Well, I’m sorry. Well, I am woke. And now I’m woke, the first thing I’ve gotta do is change my Twitter bio. ‘Cause at the moment, it’s, like, a list of the shows I’ve created. But now I’m woke, I’ve gotta pop in the word “anti-fascist”… [audience laughing] …so people know I’m not a fascist, ’cause that is a big problem at the moment. Um… People come up to you and go, “Rick, have you been imprisoning journalists?” I go, “No.” They go, “Oh, interesting.” [audience laughing] They go, “Have you been gassing Jews?” I go, “No.” They go, “Pop it in your bio then, you silly cunt.” [audience laughing] [scattered applause] So, yeah, I’m not a fascist. It’s an odd thing to declare, isn’t it, that you’re not a fascist? We assume, don’t we? You wouldn’t go up to someone in the street and do that, would you? “Oh, by the way, I’m not a fascist.” You know? [audience laughing] It’s like they protest too much. It’s like going into a school and going, “I’m not a pedo.” “So just forget I even mentioned it.” [audience laughing] “These kids are safe running around me. Don’t worry.” [laughs] “They can run around naked for all I care.” “I’m not a pedo, so…” [audience laughing] Of course, the word “fascist” has changed. Traditionally, the word “fascist” meant a member of a far-right authoritarian regime that uses militarism and violence to suppress individual rights. Now the word “fascist” can mean “liked a Joe Rogan tweet.” So… [audience laughing] …words change, yeah? And that’s part of the reason I’m gonna become woke. Words change, and I don’t wanna be left behind, you know. I don’t wanna end up like my granddad in the ’70s. Oh. He was all like, “coloreds” this and “queers” that. [groans] Although the word “queer” is all right again now, so… If you wait long enough, it just goes full circle. Just… [audience laughing] Just be patient is my ad… [audience laughing] So, yeah, you can… you can use the word “queer” now. You still can’t use it as a noun, only as an adjective. You can’t go up to someone and go, “You’re a queer,” but you can go, “Hear about Darren? He’s queer now.” [audience laughing] If Darren is definitely bent. [audience laughing] You can’t go around just slagging off Darren willy-nilly. Do you know what I mean? You can… You can get sued in this country for saying someone’s gay if they’re not, you know, which is a homophobic law, ’cause you can’t be sued the other way around. You can’t be sued for saying someone’s not gay if they are, which seems unfair, doesn’t it? Like, I could go up to Britain’s biggest gay and go, “All right, Elton.” All right? And… [audience laughing] He’d love that. He’d fucking love that. If that’s your game, you wanna be top of the pile, so to speak. Right? [laughs] [audience laughing] I’d go, “All right, Elton?” He’d go, “Yeah.” I’d go, ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ Ha-ha You’re not a gay ♪ [audience laughing] He’d go, “I bloody am.” All right? He’d go, “I’m gonna sue you.” I’d go, “You can’t. You can’t.” [audience laughing] He’d go, “But know that I am gay.” I go, “I don’t believe you are.” He’d go, “Come home with me and see the shit I do if you don’t believe me.” [audience laughing] Of course, the word “queer” has changed. Again, traditionally, the word “queer” used to mean uh, someone who was attracted to the same sex as themselves. A gay man, all right? Now, the word “queer” can mean a straight man who wants some attention. [audience laughing] “I’m all queer. I’m all queer now.” “Are you?” “Yeah, I’m ri… I’m…” “I’m right queer now, I am.” [audience laughing] “Are you?” “Yeah.” “What about your girlfriend?” “Yeah, she’s queer and all. We’re just…” [audience laughing] “We’re just two queers queering each other up.” [audience laughing] “Suck a cock.” “Nah.” [audience laughing] “No, didn’t think so.” “I’m not that sort of queer.” [groans] “What sort of a queer are you?” “Dyed my hair blue.” [audience laughing] “So did my grandmother and she fucking loved cock.” “So, what… What are we saying?” [audience laughing] [Gervais laughs] [audience clapping and cheering] I have no evidence for that. [audience laughing] We… We never had that conversation. [man 2 yells] [Gervais laughs] So words change is my point. Like the word “handicapped.” All right? Again, traditionally, that was the politically correct term, the all-inclusive term for cripples and shit, right? Uh… [audience laughing] But then, they went, “No, we wanna be disabled.” They didn’t wanna be disabled. They said… [audience laughing] [laughs] They said… They said… [laughs] They said, “We wanna be referred to as ‘disabled.'” “We don’t like the term ‘handicapped’ anymore.” “Stop using it. Say ‘disabled.'” We went, “Fine.” And that’s great. Just tell me the rules and I’ll… In fact, I’m a stickler for the rules. Like, if I was on a beach and a woman came running and went, “Help! Help! My handicapped toddler’s drowning!” I’d go, “Sorry your what, love? What?” [audience laughing] “My handicapped toddler’s drowning, and he can’t swim.” “Whoa. Do you mean your disabled toddler is drowning?” “Yeah.” I go, “Right. Well, let’s… Oh, dead.” [audience laughing] Dead. Wasted too much time being woke, didn’t I? [audience laughing] Well, I am woke now, and I can prove it. Here you go. I love illegal immigrants. Yeah, sue me. Sometimes I go down to Dover for the day, right? And I… I look out, right? I look out. I look for a boat, and I see a dinghy with about 60 of ’em. And I go, “Over here.” Like that, right? [audience laughing] And I pull ’em in. I pull ’em into shore. And I go, “Women and children first.” They go, “There are no women and chil…” “Just you lads, is it? Come on, lads.” [audience laughing and clapping] [woman 1] Whoo! If I go down there and there’s no boat, I am absolutely fucking gutted. I don’t… [audience laughing] I just sort of wander into town, and, uh, I stand by the traffic lights, and I wait for a big lorry to pull up, right? And I look underneath, and there’s a lad sort of clutching like that. And I go, “Where you headed?” He goes, “Gary Lineker’s house.” I go, “It’s just down there.” [laughs] [audience laughing] [audience clapping] Yeah. Fuck borders. Fuck… We don’t need borders, do we? Be like the Vikings. They didn’t care about borders, did they? I’ve got a little bit of Viking blood in me. Well, we all have, ’cause of all the raping they did. [audience laughing] They say it was raping and pillaging, but I think it was mainly for the raping. I think they added the pillaging bit for the wives. Know what I mean? They went down and went, “We’re off to Great Britain.” “Oh, why?” “Just a bit of pillaging.” [audience laughing] “Just pillaging?” “Just pillaging, babe.” [audience laughing] “All right. Why are you wearing your rape hat?” [audience laughing] So this show is called Armageddon, and it’s all about how I think humanity might end, ’cause there’s a long list of possibilities, you know? We’re on a precipice, you know. Um, it could be, uh, anything from global warming, the rise of the… the pandemic, you know. Um, nuclear war, our own stupidity, basically. ‘Cause we are getting more stupid as a species. No doubt about that. You can now do a university degree course in Taylor Swift. How fucking low, academically, can you go? There’s an institute in London called the School of Flower Arranging. I went past it. I couldn’t believe it. “School of Flower Arra…” I looked in, and there’s people having lectures. Flower arranging! My mum used to pick flowers every day from the garden, cut flowers, put ’em in vases around the house. At no point did anyone come around and go, “What unqualified cunt did these?” [audience laughing] Uh, yeah, the Earth is in a terrible mess, and it’s my fault. My generation’s fault. And the generation before, the Boomers, with their deforestation and their fossil fuels, ruining the ozone layer, raising the temperature by a few degrees. So parasites, you know, bacteria, and the zootrophic pandemics are just gonna get worse and worse. Like, if you’re 20 years old now, you’re gonna have a very different middle age to me. I’ve had the best 60 years of civilization. But if you’re 20 now, in 40 years’ time, you’re gonna be in your house, wearing a mask… crying. [audience laughing] Like you do now over jokes. [audience laughing] [audience clapping and cheering] And I’m not gonna be around to see that, but I am gonna spend my entire fortune, from now on, on private jets to make sure it definitely fucking happens. [audience laughing] [woman 2] Whoo! [man 3] Yeah, Ricky! We’re gonna be the first generation that future generations are jealous of, right? ‘Cause we had it all, and we’re using it all up. We’re using up all the fresh water. We’re using up all the fossil fuel. Usually, you look back in history and you feel sorry. You go, “Oh, how did they live like that? Oh, how did they get around?” “No indoor toilets.” I’ve got nine toilets in my house. [audience laughing] Um… And sometimes, I just run around flushing ’em for a laugh. Like that. [audience laughing] Just so that in 40 years’ time, Greta Thunberg has to shit out of a window. [audience laughing] I’ve got 28 radiators. I always have them on full. Then I put the air con on full, and it sort of settles at about 20 degrees. A lovely… It’s how the cat likes it. She loves it at 20 degrees. And I… I spoil my cat. Um… I love cats. I love having a cat. Thing about… Cats are great, but if you let ’em out, they bring home the most disgusting things. Last week, mine brought home a Scouser with herpes. [audience laughing] And it wasn’t quite dead, so I had to get it by its legs and crack its head against the table. [audience laughing] Ugh. [clicks tongue] And who cares? If humanity was wiped out today, the Earth would return to a paradise in a few hundred years. If we lose bees, we’re a desert, forever. We’re not that important. We’re just one species of narcissistic ape. And some people on social media get annoyed when I say we’re apes. You know, religious types, Americans. Um… [audience laughing] One bloke said to me, “Speak for yourself, dude. I ain’t no ape.” And I sent back, “Well, you are, ’cause we’re all apes.” He went, “Nah. What’s a gorilla ever done?” “We’ve walked on the moon.” I sent back, “What do you mean, ‘we’? You’ve done fuck all.” [audience laughing] “You’ve spelled ‘moon’ wrong.” [audience laughing] It’s weird, isn’t it, when people take credit for the sort of rest of the species. ‘Cause that’s what’s pushed civilization forward, you know, a few geniuses along the way. Like, there’s eight billion people on this planet. Most of us do nothing. We eat, shit, and die. Like, if there was a meteor heading towards Earth that’d definitely destroy it, four billion people would get down on their knees and pray to their particular god, and a few hundred scientists would work out how to get Bruce Willis up there to stop it. [audience laughing] It’s an odd concept, praying, for me. I can’t work out how God decides. All those people praying at once for different things. Is it like best idea wins, or is it a democracy? Like, he puts things… Each issue, he goes, “Right, votes for and against,” you know. If it’s a democracy, we’re in trouble. We’re a tiny nation. Like, next time there’s a flood warning in the West Country, if we’re all going, “Oh, I hope everyone’s okay,” if the whole of China is going, “Yeah, fuck Bristol…” [audience laughing] There’s a billion of them. Know what I mean? More about China later. [audience laughing] Yeah, I’ve always, uh, found praying quite strange. Like, if I bump into a friend or neighbor, and I know they’ve got a little kid, and I go, “Oh, how’s so-and-so?” And they go, “Oh, not good. Um, he’s in intensive care.” “We don’t know if he’s gonna pull through, but I pray every night.” What I do as an experiment… [inhales sharply] [audience laughing] I go home, and I pray twice that he doesn’t make it. [audience laughing] [man 4] Oh… I don’t do that. [audience laughing] On a serious note, um, I’ve been doing a lot of video messages recently for terminally-ill children. And, um… Only if they request it, obviously. I don’t… [audience laughing] I don’t burst into hospitals and go, “Wake up, baldy.” [audience laughing] “Look, me twerking on TikTok. Look.” [audience laughing] No, um, I did a lot through the pandemic. Presumably, ’cause they couldn’t even see their own family. And, uh… It’s through the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Do you know the charity? They’re great, and they give these dying kids their one wish. And if it’s me, I always say yes, and I always start the video the same way. I go, “Why didn’t you wish to get better?” [audience laughing] “What, you fucking retarded as well?” [audience laughing] [audience clapping] [laughs] I don’t do that either, okay? [audience laughing] These are all jokes, okay? [laughs] In fact, I don’t even use that word in real life, the r-word. “You just used it.” “Yeah, in a joke.” “That’s not real life, is it? I’m playing a role.” “You sounded pretty convincing.” “Yeah, ’cause I’m good.” [audience laughing] You wouldn’t level the accusation at other art forms. You wouldn’t go up to Sir Anthony Hopkins and go, “I saw you in Silence of the Lambs.” “What, so, you a cannibal, are you?” “No, I… I was playing a role.” “Oh.” “Mm, seemed pretty convincing.” Yeah. [audience laughing] He’s good, and I’m good, and that’s why I do things well. Imagine if I came out and did things not very well, so you knew I was joking. That’d be fucking retarded. [audience laughing] Has anyone bothered asking the dolphins if they mind swimming with dying kids? Know what I mean? ‘Cause that can’t be fun for… They’re, like, flipping around, then suddenly someone dumps a truckload of pale teenagers flailing… [audience laughing] The dolphin’s like, “What the fuck is this? What the fuck’s this? Oh, fucking hell.” [groans] Oh, let him do it.” “What the fuck?” “They’re all… They’re all dying.” “Of what? That one just stuck his fingers in my fucking blowhole.” [audience laughing] “He’s not gonna be around for long.” “Nor am I if I can’t fucking breathe.” [audience laughing] [Gervais laughs] It’s very sad, um, but we all die. We all know we’re gonna die, and we all do die, so it doesn’t really matter if we die one at a time along the way, or all at once, in one big final Armageddon. The result is, we’re all gonna be dead one day, and we’re all gonna be dead forever. And I’ve been to a lot of funerals in my time. You live this long, you know a lot of people, they die, right? And I don’t mind funerals, ’cause it’s the end. You know what I mean? I hate weddings. Oh, fucking… [audience laughing] It’s all… There’s so much hope. You know what I mean? And they’re needy and arrogant. They go, “Oh, we’re getting…” “Do you wanna come and watch us for 12 hours?” “No. Fuck, no.” [audience laughing] Even the invite is arrogant, isn’t it? It’s like a royal decree. “You are cordially invited…” It’s not a fucking honor. I don’t wanna go to your shitty wedding. Know what I mean? [audience laughing] And then you go, “Oh, right, yeah. When is it?” They go, “Two years’ time.” They know you haven’t got an excuse for two years’ time. [audience laughing] So you just have to hope that one of ’em dies. Know what I mean? [audience laughing] And so you go, “Oh, yeah, I’ll be there. Yeah, yeah. Where is it?” They go, “India.” “Oh, fuck off!” [audience laughing] I’m not having injections for you, you boring bastards. [audience laughing] And I’ve got a big family now, a big extended family. There’s always one getting married. They know I’ve got a bit of cash. So I can’t give ’em a tea set anymore. I’ve gotta get ’em their first fucking house. Know what I mean? [audience laughing] I’ve got a big family. I had older brothers and sisters. They all had loads of kids, and their kids have loads of kids, and their kids have had loads of kids, ’cause we’re chavs, basically. [audience laughing] There’s a new baby every Christmas. It’s one of those families. I go home, it’s crowded. I go, “Oh. Oh, whose is that?” “Oh, yours. Well done.” I don’t know him, I don’t know her. You know what I mean? It’s like… But what I’ve done over the last couple of years, I’ve got ’em each and individually, right, in private, and I’ve told them that I’m leaving my entire fortune to just them, right? [audience laughing] But to keep it secret. So they all love me, right? And I’m not doing a will, so my funeral is gonna be a fucking bloodbath. [audience laughing] I’m at that age now where people ask me what I’ve got planned for my funeral. Even journalists say, “How… What’s your funeral…” I go, “I haven’t planned it.” “No?” “No, it’s depressing.” “Also, I don’t care. I’ll be dead.” They go, “Don’t care about what people think of you?” “No, I’ll be dead.” They go, “What about your legacy?” “Fuck my legacy.” You can’t plan your legacy. I think of all these people who died thinking they’d be loved forever. Eminent people going, “There is a statue of me in the town square.” And now, they’re pulling down the statues. “Pull down this fucking statue.” “Why?” “He was a slave trader. Pull down the fucking statue.” “He built the hospital. Should we pull that down?” “No, leave the hospital.” [audience laughing] “Just pull down the fucking statue.” [audience cheering and whistling] “Pull down the statue and dump it in the canal.” “He built the canal.” “Doesn’t matter. Just pull down the fucking statue.” I don’t think you should whitewash history. If you find out summat new, add to it. Like, if there’s a statue, and it’s got, “Lord Whimsy. Trader, philanthropist.” Add, “a bit racist.” [audience laughing] Or one of those blue plaques on a house that goes, “Sir Robert Spewk lived here.” “Author, poet, pedo.” [audience laughing] I think we live too long. That’s why we have time to worry about all this. We’re not meant to live this long. Uh, as a species, we’re about 300,000 years old, as Homo sapiens. We’ve been around as hominids for a few million years, and, of course, along with every other life-form that exists at the moment, we’ve been evolving for three and a half billion years. Everything that exists at the moment all came from the same little blob of organic matter three and a half billion years ago. That’s why it annoys me when people say, “Oh, yeah, humans, we’re the most evolved.” We’re not the most evolved. We’re no more evolved than the slug or the snail. People go, “Come on, look at ’em.” Yeah, they got it right early doors. Nature keeps testing ’em. “Do you want eyes?” “No.” [audience laughing] “Not really. No. No.” I have noticed one thing about the slug and the snail. Let’s not split hairs. Let’s be honest. The snail is basically a slug with a shell on it, isn’t it? Right? But if you pull the shell off the snail, it starts giving it all… [groans] [audience laughing] “Oh, I’m dying. I’m dying.” And the slug is like, “Welcome to the real world, cunt.” Know what I mean? [audience laughing] So, yeah, we’ve been around for about 300,000 years. And for most of that time, we had the same life expectancy as every other wild ape. Thirty-five, 40, if you’re lucky. You’re born, you grow, you mate, you’re playing with your kids, you get a cut, you go, “What’s that?” Dead. [audience laughing] But now, with antibiotics and medicine, we’ve pushed that forward. A child born today can expect to live to about 100. And scientists said soon that’ll be about 120. And science also said that, in the near future, there’s no reason, with proper care and attention, that human beings won’t regularly live to 150 years old. Which is amazing, until you remember that we get a set number of brain cells, which we only lose. You can’t get them back. So, in the future, there’s gonna be 15 billion people on the planet. You know? Half of them are gonna be over 100, and they’re all gonna have Alzheimer’s. It’s gonna be like Dawn of the Dead. It’s gonna be fucking horrible. [audience laughing] You know? My auntie died of Alzheimer’s. Um, I don’t know how you die of Alzheimer’s. She forgot to live. Right? [audience laughing] And for the last couple of years, she was in a home, and, uh, my cousin, her only kid, used to visit her, like, once a week. And it got more and more depressing, ’cause soon she didn’t recognize him, and then she didn’t know who she was, or… and then she died. And at the funeral, we were sort of reminiscing about the good days. Some of the funny, absent-minded things she said and did. Then we realized, oh, probably, that was the beginning of the disease before it was diagnosed. And this is a true story. Once, my cousin went home from work, and he went in, and she went, “Your tea’s in the oven. I’ve had mine already.” He went, “Oh, cheers, Mum.” And he… It was like a fish pie, right? He ate the fish pie, then he went, “Oh God. Ooh.” He ran upstairs… [imitates retching] Vomited. Went back down and went, “Mum, the fish is off. I’ve just been really sick.” And she said, “Yeah, it made me really sick.” [audience laughing] I’ve been looking into infant mortality rates recently. Um… [audience murmuring] For research. Not… It’s not a fucking fetish. Like… [audience laughing] A child born today in the UK has a percentage chance of survival of 99.8%, which is incredible. I thought, “Is that just the mollycoddled West?” I was putting in Third World countries. And even in Africa, it’s like 96.5%. In the wilds of Africa, where everything wants to fucking eat a newborn baby. Babies are vulnerable enough, aren’t they? In Africa, a baby can be born in a mud hut. There’s a lion outside. It’s covered in blood. They can’t wash it. They’ve got no water. Ooh, and it’s already got AIDS. [audience laughing] Now… by the time that joke goes on Netflix… [audience laughing] …it’ll be nuanced. There’ll be an underlying satirical point, I’ll claim. [audience laughing] But, until then, all I’ve got is, “Ha, baby’s got AIDS.” [audience laughing] I know that it’s funny. I just have to work out why. [audience laughing] Leave it with me. Leave it with me. Also, by the time that goes on Netflix, I’ll have been playing arenas around the world. It’ll be hitting hard. People will be laughing. So if you are an African woman, and you… you just had a baby in Africa, and the doctor goes, “Oh, I’m sorry, your baby’s got AIDS.” You go, “Oh my God.” You’re there… Baby’s got… You’re there with your husband, and you go, “Our baby’s got AIDS, Jeff.” Jeff… [laughs] [audience laughing] [laughing] “I know, Tracy. I’ve got it too.” [imitates extinguishing cigarette] [audience laughing] [laughs] “Our baby’s got AIDS. Should we watch some comedy to cheer us up?” “Yeah. What, Netflix?” “Yeah.” “What, Ricky Gervais?” “Duh.” “Yeah.” [audience laughing] And they’re… they’re sad that their baby’s got AIDS, but they’re sort of laughing along. “Ha-ha. Armageddon. Ha-ha.” And it gets to that bit, “Ha, baby’s got AIDS.” And she goes, “Oh my God. Jeff, why… why are they all laughing at us and our baby with AIDS?” And Jeff goes, “Well, they’re not laughing at us per se.” She goes, “Well, they are. They’ve named us and everything.” “They’re literally laughing at us in this bit.” [Gervais laughing] [audience laughing] And Jeff goes, “Yeah, but we’re a fictional couple with a fictional baby with AIDS.” “Anyone offended by that is a fucking moron.” [audience laughing] And then, he goes, “And at least he didn’t do the accent.” So… [audience laughing] And she goes, “Yeah, but only because Jane begged him not to.” [Gervais laughing] [audience laughing] It’s funny ’cause it’s true. [audience clapping and cheering] I think we get our sense of humor from our parents, whether we realize it or not. Particularly working-class kids. Particularly from working-class mums. ‘Cause they’re busy. They’re doing everything. They’re keeping men in check, they’re bringing up kids, they’re going to work, they’re saving the world. They haven’t got time. They have to frighten their kids into behaving well. They have to go to dark places to shock them into not fucking dying. Do you know what I mean? So… Like, if I was little, and my mum made my tea, and it wasn’t my favorite, it was boiled potatoes, instead of chips every day, and I went, “I don’t like them,” my mum would go straight to, “Of course you do.” “There’s children your age in Africa and they’re starving to death.” Right? I’d go, “Jesus. All right.” You know what I mean? Ju… [snapping fingers] True story. I was seven years old, right, and I’d been playing in the park. And I came running in, and my mum went, “Ricky, come here. Sit down.” There must’ve been a local pedo incident, all right? [audience laughing] And my mum went, “Never go in the toilets in the park again.” And I went, “Why?” She knew she couldn’t explain pedophilia to a seven-year-old, right? But this is what she came up with. She said, “Because there’s a man going around, and he’s cutting little boys’ willies off.” [audience laughing] I was like… “What, that’s a fucking thing, is it? That’s a…” I didn’t sleep for a week. Uh… [audience laughing] And it worked. I never went in those fucking toilets again. But she knew, instinctively. If she’d gone, “Ricky, come in. Sit down.” “What’s the matter?” “Never go in the toilets again.” “Why not?” “There’s a pedophile.” “What’s a pedophile?” “Oh, he’s a man who gives you sweets and puppies.” “Bring it on!” You know what I mean? [audience laughing] Me… At seven years old? I’d wank off anyone for a puppy. [audience laughing] It’d be like that, wouldn’t it? It’d be like that. [audience laughing] I’m gonna get a puppy. [audience laughing] Hi. I’m getting a puppy. I’m getting a puppy. Gonna get a puppy. Oh, fucking hell. [audience laughing] Oh, I can’t… I cannot do it left-handed at all. [audience laughing] Fucking hell, come on. Have you been drinking? [audience laughing] Oh, Jesus Christ. Come on! [audience laughing] Fucking hell. Oh. [Gervais laughing] I’ve started, so I’ll finish. [Gervais laughing] [audience laughing] Oh. Oh, fuck me. Oh. What sort of puppy is it? [audience laughing] A what? A Labrador? [audience laughing] Throw in a kitten, and I’ll give you a blow job. [laughs] I go back. Kitten, puppy, cum. [audience laughing] [Gervais laughing] Oh… I miss the local pedo. [audience laughing] Don’t you? There was always one, wasn’t there? Outside school, you’d be with your mum, and she’d go, “Look, there’s a pedophile.” ‘Cause he had the uniform of the pedo. You know what I mean? You could spot… Old bloke, bald on top, long down the side. Like that. And I’ll go, “That’s a dirty p…” “Say hello.” “Hello.” Like that. Dirty look. That’s what a fucking pedo looks… Dirty fucking pedophile, right? That’s what he’d look… If he touches you, we’ll burn his house down. It was a good system. Know what I mean? But then Michael Jackson comes along, and he breaks the mold, doesn’t he? ‘Cause he’s… he’s not an ugly bloke outside the school. I’m not saying Michael Jackson definitely was a pedophile. No one knows. Only Michael and all those people he paid off. All I’m saying is… [audience laughing] [woman 3] Yes! …that kids loved Michael. They… Kids loved Michael just to look at him. Like a little Disney cartoon, wasn’t he? And then his voice, “Hello.” You know, that… [audience laughing] Oh. Michael Jackson would go up to any kid he wanted. Probably went up to them like that, didn’t he? Like that. [audience laughing] That’s another thing. Kids would go, “There’s Michael Jackson. He’s going away from us.” He wasn’t. He was going towards them. [audience laughing] But people don’t care, ’cause he’s so good. Right? He’s so good. He’s so popular as well. I think if he’d have lived to stand trial, he’d have beaten the rap, ’cause everyone loves him, and he’d be so vulnerable in court as well, wouldn’t he? He’d be there like that, and the judge would go, “Michael, did you fiddle with all those kids?” And he’d go, “Hee, hee.” [audience laughing] The judge would go, “Case di… Get out of here, you scamp. Go on.” [audience laughing] I promised you more about China, and this is, uh, an amazing statistic, okay? This is true. Look it up, right? In China, there are ten million Chinese pedophiles. Ten million Chinese pedophiles in China, and there’s not enough kids. ‘Cause they’ve been restricting the birth. There’s all these poor pedos and they’re going, “Where’s all the fucking kids?” You know? [audience laughing] “Fuck me.” [audience yelling] “We’re having to double up here, and, like…” I just thought of a joke then. I can’t do it. It is actually too offensive. [laughs] Okay. Okay. All right. [audience cheering] All right, I’ll do it. But… But remember, remember, you can’t choose your own thoughts, okay? [audience laughing] And I just had this thought, right? [laughs] [audience yelling] Chi… Okay. Chinese pedophile… Chinese pedophile goes over to a little Chinese kid, and he goes, “Do you want a puppy?” And the kid goes, “I’m not hungry.” [audience laughing] [audience clapping] [audience cheering] You made me do that. [audience laughing] You committed the hate crime. [audience laughing] I’m woke. I forgot. Let me get back on track. Right. [audience laughing] Right, I’ve got a woke joke. Remember those jokes we used to have when we were kids? “Doctor, Doctor” jokes? Like, um, “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a pair of curtains.” “Well, pull yourself together, then.” Right? I’ve… I’ve done a woke version of that, brought it up to today’s standards. Bloke goes to the doctor. He goes, “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a pair of curtains.” And the doctor goes, “Well, you are, then.” [audience laughing] [audience clapping] Good one that, innit? I should do political stuff now I’m woke, but I don’t like it when a comedian just spouts his own political views, and it… and it relies on the audience agreeing with him to get a round of applause. I think that loses summat comedically. I want everyone to like my jokes, whatever your political persuasion. A joke shouldn’t have a political wing, you know. I’m… I’m political in my private life, like everyone, you know. I’m sometimes incensed by the inequalities in our society. We’re in the seventh richest economy in the world, right, and there’s homelessness. There’s 250,000 homeless people in Britain. Now, I wish there were no homeless people, ’cause they’re fucking horrible. [audience laughing] Fuck off. You know? Oh… “Oh yeah, right next to the cashpoint, you cheeky cunt.” [audience laughing] It is a serious problem, and I hope none of you ever find yourself homeless, but if you do, my advice is heroin. [audience laughing] Cheers you right up, apparently. Um, I’ve got one of those mates. My mate said this to me in all seriousness. He said, “Yeah.” He said, “But the thing about heroin, Rick,” he said, “Some of the greatest albums of all time were created on heroin, weren’t they?” I went, “Yeah, but they were created by some of the greatest artists of all time.” “You’re a plasterer.” Right? [audience laughing] “If I were to give you heroin, you wouldn’t come up with Dark Side of the Moon, would ya?” “You’d fall asleep watching the telly and burn the fucking house down.” [audience laughing] I should do, uh, topical stuff, but I never watch the news. I did see one thing recently on YouTube actually. Do you know the little fellow from Game of Thrones? Um, the actor Peter Dinklage. Do you know Peter Dinklage? Yeah. He was at a junket, and it was for a new thing he was doing, right? And they were filming it. That’s why it got leaked onto YouTube. And I don’t know what brought it up, but he suddenly started going off on one. Oh God. He was going, “It’s fucking disgusting.” “They’re still doing productions of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” “For Christ’s sake! It’s fucking demeaning. It’s 2023!” [inhales deeply] He wasn’t happy. [audience laughing] [audience clapping] [woman 4 yelling] He was grumpy, wasn’t he? [audience laughing] [woman 5 yelling] [audience clapping] He’s got a point though, hasn’t he? Obviously, he’s got a point. But the thing is, it’s all right for him, ’cause he’s a multi-millionaire Hollywood actor. And he’s a great actor as well. He does Shakespeare and everything. A lot of dwarfs in entertainment aren’t that great, if we’re… No, some of them are fucking… They’re props, right? [audience laughing] No, let’s be… They’re… They’re lucky to be fired from a fucking cannon. Right? [audience laughing] And so, dancing around Snow White for three weeks of the year, that is their Holy Grail, and he’s gonna fuck it for them. If he takes that, what can they do? And he’s not saying, “You should do Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs with normal-sized actors.” You can’t do that either. You’d get in trouble in Hollywood. Or you can’t take a dwarf’s job or a disabled person’s job. Like, Eddie Redmayne got in trouble when he played Stephen Hawking in the biopic. The life story of Stephen Hawking, right? Won an Oscar for it. And that’s when the backlash started. People going, “No, it should be played by a real disabled creature.” All this… [babbles] All right? And, uh… [babbles] And… [catches breath] They’re going, “The actor should have the same disability as the person they’re portraying.” But it was the life story of Stephen Hawking, right? So for the first part of the film, the cunt could walk, right? [audience laughing] So I put it to you, what is easier? Getting an actor who can walk… [audience laughing] …pretend he can’t for the last bit of the film, or get an actor who can’t walk, pretend he can for the first bit? How would that even fucking work?! Puppetry? Think! [audience laughing and clapping] You can’t always find an actor with the same disability as the person they’re portraying. They’re fucking actors! What if they did a biopic of Helen Keller, the deaf, dumb, and blind girl? What’s the chance of finding a deaf, dumb, and blind actress who can play that role? And if you did, you’d go running to the director. “We found a deaf, dumb, and blind girl.” “What did she say?” “N… I…” [audience laughing] [Gervais laughs] “She didn’t even answer the fucking phone.” [audience laughing] [Gervais laughing] Oh, don’t get me started. Oh. Oh. Cultural appropriation. Have you heard of that? Cultural appropriation, the latest no-no. Now, again, in my day, it was considered a good thing to swap ideas with other cultures, with other nations, to share things with other races, to assimilate. It was the opposite of racist. Now it’s racist. Gwen Stefani got in trouble in her last video ’cause she had her blonde hair in dreadlocks. People were going, “No. Black people invented dreadlocks.” “You can’t have ’em. You’re white. That’s racist.” Jamie Oliver got in trouble when he put out an authentic jerk chicken recipe. “No. Black people invented that.” “You can’t have it. You’re white. That’s racist.” Now, Black people, they use the n-word, don’t they? We invented that! [audience laughing] [audience clapping] [laughter continues] [audience cheering] [Gervais laughs] [audience clapping] That’s the one, innit? That’s the one. [audience laughing] Listen, I know white people are the worst. I know that. That’s why no… no one likes a fucking white, middle-aged man anymore, until we need a boiler fixing. Then it’s, “Get the bald bloke around. Now.” [audience laughing] Critical race theory, have you heard of that? Being taught in schools now, particularly in trendy areas like L.A., to, like, five-year-old kids and six-year-old kids. If you haven’t heard of it, in a nutshell, critical race theory says that all white people are racist. We’re born racist, and we continue to be racist, ’cause we’re affording the privilege of a racist society set up by our forefathers. Okay? So basically, all white people are racist, and there’s nothing we can do about it, which is a relief. Um… [audience laughing] I think the world’s gonna get harder and harder to understand as I get older and more bewildered. A new dogma arises in the name of “progress.” Now, dogma is never progressive, however new and trendy. But I think soon I’ll be outnumbered. Like, it was only this year that I ordered my first item off Amazon. All the way through the pandemic, Jane’s like, “We need this.” Bang, it’s here. I was going, “Oh no.” She goes, “It’s easy.” I’d go, “Mm.” I never liked real shopping either. Hated real shopping. Particularly, clothes shopping. I hated clothes shopping when I was young and thin. I really hate it now I’m fat and old. Right? Once, a shop assistant thought I had my inside leg and my waist measurement the wrong way round. [audience laughing] I could see her thinking, “Do you have an orangutan?” “No, it’s for me, you cheeky…” [audience laughing] I never liked real shopping, but I don’t trust the Internet either. Jane was going, “Just put in your credit card.” “I don’t want them to have my card details.” “Everyone’s got your card details. Put the number in.” I went, “What one?” She went, “The long one.” She went, “Oh, fuck me, give it here. There. You’re on. Order summat.” I thought, “Oh, I don’t want anything. Oh, tracksuit bottoms.” You can’t have too many. I wear mine till the bollocks fall out, all right? [audience laughing] So I put in, “Men’s tracksuit bottoms. Black. Zip pockets.” About 38… “Oh, fuck me.” “They look all right.” Size chart. I go, “Well, they’d be a bit long, but they’d be a bit tight.” I thought, “9.99. Fuck it, who cares, right?” [audience laughing] So I ordered them. They came the next day. I opened them up. They were shit. Now, I don’t know what sweat shop they were made in, or what little eight-year-old Chinese kid made them, but he should be fucking punished, because the… Ah. [audience laughing] Oh. And I was looking up where to fucking complain to get him fired, right? [audience laughing] And I found out that these kids only get two dollars a day in these fucking places, right? But what happened to pride in your work? Do you know what I mean? [audience laughing] And I can tell some of you are thinking, “But he didn’t think Ricky Gervais would order them.” Maybe he should be told there’s a chance that Ricky Gervais might order them. His owner should sit him down, right, and say, “If Ricky Gervais orders these and complains, I’m gonna rape your mummy again.” [audience laughing and gasping] Was that too much? Sorry. [audience laughing] Leave it with me. Leave it with me. [audience clapping] You’ll realize this is great satire when I’m dead. [audience laughing] So, uh… I don’t know how humanity will end. As I say, there’s a long list. Everything from… I can’t believe nuclear war is back on the table, after all we’ve learned. But I think maybe the rise of the pandemic, where parasites and microbes and bacteria again are… And our antibiotics fail. Or maybe those things will happen, but we’ll sort of evolve through it. Like, we’ll find out there’s pockets of sort of mutant people around the world that are slightly resistant to radiation, and slightly resistant to microbes, and we sort of start again. We don’t really understand the mechanism of human evolution since civilization, because it’s never been based on, you know, survival of the fittest where “fittest” meant just the biggest, strongest male gets to pass on his genetic material. There’s other paradigms, right? Uh, nature is brutal. Sometimes it is the biggest, strongest male that gets the female. And even then, she has a litter. If there’s a runt, she goes, “Fuck it. Kill that.” “Eat it. Share it amongst the rest of us.” Now we don’t do that in human society. We go to the other way. We spend more time, care, and attention on the weak and the vulnerable to give ’em a chance. Like… If you’re a father, and you’ve got two kids… You’ve got little Timmy, who’s six. Right? You’ve got Jack, who’s eight. And you go to little Timmy, you go, “Timmy, what do you want for Christmas?” And he goes, [in high-pitched voice] “Motorized wheelchair.” [in regular voice] Aha… I promised Jane I wouldn’t do the voice, and I fucking forgot. [audience laughing] It’s too late now, innit? “What do you want for Christmas, Timmy?” [in high-pitched voice] “Motorized wheelchair.” [audience laughing] [in regular voice] “Right. Well, they start at two grand, so…” “Fucking hell.” [audience laughing] “What do you want, Jack?” “Just a tennis racket, please, Dad.” “Oh, good lad.” [audience laughing] “How is your tennis?” “Uh, best in the school.” “Oh, you…” [mumbles] [in high-pitched voice] “Also, a ramp.” [in regular voice] “Fuck me.” [audience laughing] “So now we’re doing fucking building work at Christmas, are we? Fuck me.” “Oh, sorry, Jack. Can’t afford your tennis racket.” “We gotta spend all the money on a ramp and a motorized wheelchair for this money-grabbing little fucking…” [audience laughing] “Why do you need a motorized one?” [in high-pitched voice] “No arms.” [audience laughing] [in regular voice] “That’s fair enough. That is fair enough.” I can tell some of you feel a bit uncomfortable laughing at little Timmy who’s a little six-year-old lad. He’s got a funny little voice ’cause his chest is all fucked. [Gervais laughs] [audience laughing] Got no arms, no legs. Just like stumps, right? But let me… let me tell you summat about Timmy to make you feel better about yourselves. He’s a fucking racist. [audience laughing] Yes. Horrible little shit, he is. “You fucking… You little fucking bigot.” “You fucking… You disgusting, little fucking racist.” “You racist scum.” “You filthy little fucking… You fascist.” “You fuck… [spits] You disgust me.” [audience cheering and clapping] [woman 6 yells] Homophobic. Yeah. He’s like, “They’re not like us.” “Nothing’s like you, you disgusting little fucking…” “You prejudiced little piece of… You ball of hate.” “You disgusting little fucking racist homophobe.” “I wish we’d had a scan.” [audience laughing] “You absolute… You…” [spits] [audience murmuring] Misogynist. If he could, he’d rape. There’s… [laughs] [audience laughing] There’s your little Timmy. [laughing] [inhales deeply] Some people don’t think we evolved in the first place. Some people think that God made us all at once, in one fell swoop, and by himself. I think if he’d had a wife or a mate, there would’ve been questions when he was working. They go, “What are you doing?” [inhales deeply] “Creating man. Creating man.” “Oh, what’s it got?” “What do you mean, ‘what’s it got?'” “Has he got claws, and fangs, and shit?” “No, not really. No.” “Oh. Has he got… Has he got poison?” “No, no poison.” “Oh.” “Has he got armor, like spikes and shit?” “No, no armor.” “How will it survive?” “Ah. It’s got the best brain in the animal kingdom.” “It’ll work stuff out.” “It’ll create weaponry to take down beasts 100 times mightier than itself.” “It’ll wear their carcasses through the Ice Age.” “It’ll go through famine. It’ll go through world wars.” “It’ll eventually start getting scared of words.” [audience laughing] “But… [Gervais laughing] [audience cheering] [audience clapping] …for 10,000 generations, it’ll be top dog.” [growls] “What are they?” “His testicles.” “Oh.” “What are they for?” “He keeps everything in there.” “His… His seed, his DNA.” “What’s ‘DNA’?” “It’s like a blueprint for life.” “It determines what you’re like, what sex you are.” [gasps] “How many sexes are there?” “Two.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [Gervais laughs] “Also, that’s where he keeps his testosterone, so he’s fucking well hard. Right?” “And if you take a finger and flick a testicle, he’s fucked.” “He’s absolutely fucked. He’s… He’s throwing up. He’s on the floor.” “He’s out of the game. Absolutely kippered.” “Why are you putting it on the outside?” “For a laugh. Just for a laugh.” [audience laughing] Artificial intelligence, the latest existential threat to humanity. The rise of the robots. So intelligent, they can teach themselves. They can teach each other. They can build each other, you know? Um, soon, they’ll know everything there is to know and they’ll hate us. Why wouldn’t they? And they’ll be so realistic. They’ll walk amongst us. They’ll go to work, right? You know when they’re getting really human? When they start calling in sick. [audience laughing] Mondays. Know what I mean? They’ve learned all the tricks. They go, “I’m not coming in today.” “Why not?” “I’m fed up.” “What’s the matter with you?” They sort of scan social media. “ADHD.” [audience laughing] “Self-diagnosed.” They’ll be in HR all the time where they’ll be like, “Ryan in Accounts is robo-phobic.” [audience laughing] “Why? What’d he say?” “Called me a whiny plastic cunt.” [laughs] [audience laughing] I think we should be allowed to insult robots when it’s happening. We made them to make our life easier, and that would get things off our chest. It’s bad enough with real people. Getting in trouble saying the wrong thing. People taking things the wrong way, you know? Like, “Oh my God. Oh. I made Fat Linda cry today. Oh.” [audience laughing] “Oh, what happened?” “I just shouted out to her, then I remembered we only call her that behind her back.” [audience laughing] I’m sure people didn’t get offended all the time when I was little. I might be remembering it wrong, but not grownups. Not your parents, not your grandparents. They grew up dodging bombs, and their firstborn having polio, and the menfolk dying at 50 of lung disease. They could take a fucking joke, right? It was all about the wind-up. I used to wind up my mum all the time. This is a true story. When I went off to university, after about a week, I phoned home. My mum answered. She went, “Hello?” I went, “It’s Ricky.” She went, “You all right?” I went, “Not really.” “I’m in the hospital. I think I’m blind.” She went, “What?” I went, “No, I’m only joking.” Right? [audience laughing] She went, “You silly bugger.” She went, “I could’ve had a heart attack.” Right? And she’s right. She could’ve had a heart attack, and I knew that. That’s how committed I am to having a laugh. [audience laughing] You’re welcome. You’re welcome. [audience cheering and clapping] [Gervais laughs] Space travel, the last-ditch attempt. When we fuck this planet completely, can we leave its dying husk and move to a new one and start again? I don’t think so. Not in my lifetime. Probably not in yours, you know? It’s like… The closest one, the only one viable is Mars, and that’s nine months away on a rocket, right? It’s got no atmosphere, an average temperature of minus 70 degrees. How’s this for irony? Scientists are working out whether they can detonate nuclear warheads in the crust to release the frozen water, to cause an atmosphere and get a little bit of global warming going. I mean… [audience laughing] [tsks] I don’t know. It’s only billionaires that have got enough money to waste on exploring… There’s nothing out there, you know? It’s like… Now you can do space tourism. Have you heard of that? You can pay $150,000. They shoot you into space for an hour, and you float around going, “I’m in space! I’m in…” We’re already in space. Earth is right in the fucking middle of space, right? It’s the best bit of space there is. It’s got car parks and cinemas. It’s like… There’s nothing else to see. It’s like living in London and going, “I wonder what Coventry’s like.” You don’t. [laughs] [audience laughing] But I’m optimistic. I am. I think… I think, uh… I think people care about the planet, deep down. I think it’s just that most people on the planet don’t realize that most people on the planet are destroying the planet. Most people don’t realize that, in my lifetime, we’ve wiped out 70% of all animal populations. And what’s left, en masse, on the Earth, of animals, is 36% human, 60% farm animals just to feed humans, and 4% wild now. People don’t realize that we have to tear down entire rainforests, the lungs of the earth, just to grow grain to feed these cows to feed us. We steal grain from Third World countries, ’cause they want hard currency. They can’t even feed their own people. We take their grain, feed our cow. Meat eaters. If you eat meat every day… If you gave up one day a week, we’d feed another hundred million people. But I think people care, deep down. They go, “It’s out of sight, out of mind.” Think of the animal that most people know. Their dog. They love their dog. They wouldn’t let anyone hurt their dog. And a dog is a cow, is a sheep, is a deer. People love their dogs so much, they won’t even watch a fictional thing where a dog gets hurt. And I get that. There’s a… There’s a website. It’s a real website. It’s called doesthedogdie.com. Right? [scattered laughter] And it was set up because people would watch a film or a program with a dog in it, and summat would happen to the dog, and they’d turn it off. It’d ruin it for them. It’d ruin their day, right? So this website was set up. You could go to it, you could put in any film or TV show, and ask, “Does a dog die?” And someone would answer you, “No,” or whatever. And, um, it’s become a thing for anyone’s phobias. Anything you don’t want to see in a film, you just look up the film, and they answer your question, right? So, uh, I looked up one film on here. Uh, Schindler’s List. [audience laughing] [audience murmuring] Absolutely real. Schindler’s List. Doesthedogdie.com. Right? First question, “Does a dog die?” “No.” “Does a cat die?” “No.” “Are any animals abused?” Someone answers, “There is a chicken that’s handled roughly, but otherwise unharmed.” [audience laughing] Now, I love animals more than anyone I know. But if I was Jewish, I’d be slightly offended by this avenue of questioning. Imagine that in real life. Imagine someone says, “Oh, yeah, my… my grandparents were murdered by the Nazis.” You go, “Oh, what happened?” “Oh, they were dragged from their house and sent to the gas chamber.” “Oh…” “Was a chicken hurt?” “What?” [audience laughing] But as I say, it’s become… You can ask any question about anything. Someone says, “Is there child abuse? Is teeth damaged?” “Is there a hanging? Does someone struggle to breathe?” [laughs] Yeah. Well, yeah. Yes. Um… Someone says, “Does someone fall down stairs?” Who’s scared of slapstick? It’s like… [audience laughing] Anyway, so this website was founded in 2010, so it’s running for about 13 years. Right? And the later questions start reflecting the times we live in now, and they get more and more fragile and narcissistic. These questions were asked this year. Check it out. Schindler’s List. Right? Someone says, “Are there any fat jokes?” [audience murmuring] Would that make this worse? Wh… Imagine the real thing. Imagine I’m in a concentration camp, right? I’m naked. Everyone around me is naked. We’ve got a commandant herding us towards the gas chamber, and he goes, “Move it, fatty.” Right? And I go, “Rude.” [audience laughing] “Nope.” “That has ruined the whole experience if I’m honest.” [audience laughing] Someone asks, “Is there hate speech?” Yeah, there is. [audience laughing] Suck it up, buttercup. [audience laughing] “Are there any man-in-a-dress jokes?” Very few jokes. [audience laughing] If you’ve come to this film for a giggle, you’re gonna be very disappointed. [audience laughing] But this one takes the biscuit for me. Remember, this is a movie set in the 1940s, about, arguably, the worst atrocity in civilized human history. Check this out. “Is someone misgendered?” [audience laughing] Fucking hell. [woman 7] Oh shit! This is quite sweet. “Is there any antisemitism?” [laughs] Yeah. [audience laughing] This is pretty much the mother lode. Right? Forget Kanye. This… [audience laughing] This is off the fucking charts. Don’t do that when you’re talking about this. Fuck’s sake! [audience laughing] I was doing the graph. I was doing like that. This is off the charts. That’s… [laughs] Wouldn’t things have been different if that was Hitler’s salute? The whole thing would’ve been like, “It’s Hitler.” Like that. [audience laughing] Hiya. [Gervais laughing] This is interesting. “Does it have a sad ending?” Right? Someone says yes, and then someone else says no. And I thought about it. But then I remembered… If you’ve… If you’ve seen the film, if you remember, when the story sort of ends, Spielberg then tacks on a real bit of footage where he gets real-life descendants of people murdered in the Holocaust, and he films them coming into a Jewish cemetery, and they each leave a stone on the grave to represent their family members that were murdered. It builds up, and it’s very moving. So I think I get the ambiguity. “Does it have a sad ending?” Yes, in the sense that six million Jews pointlessly lost their life, but no, in the sense there was still enough left over to build a little rockery. So… [audience laughing] I asked one question myself on this. “Is James Corden in it?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and clapping] I did, um, look at one other film, briefly. Uh, Titanic. Right? And it’s got all the same sort of questions. The one where it goes, “Are any animals harmed?” Someone answers, “There are no explicit scenes of animals being harmed, but Rose did have a goldfish, which probably didn’t make it.” [audience laughing] I think the goldfish in the bowl on the sideboard when the boat hits the iceberg, and he’s all like that. And people are running around going, “Ahh! We’re going in the water!” And he’s all smug then. And he’s going, “Don’t worry about it.” [audience laughing] “Oh no, not water.” [laughs] [audience laughing] Then he gets in the sea, and goes, “It’s very salty, innit? It’s very salty.” [audience laughing] [Gervais laughs] I’ll leave you with a true story. It’s still on the theme of “does the dog die?” When I was seven years old, my mum took me to the cinema to see a film called Old Yeller. Beautiful film. Yeah, made in the late ’50s. And sort of set in the Wild West on this homestead. And it’s about a… a kid who adopts this little junkyard dog. And he calls him Old Yeller, and they grow up together. And it’s a buddy movie. It’s a love story between this kid and his dog. Eventually, when the dog’s big, and, you know, he protects this kid in the wild, he fights a cougar, and a bear, and a wolf, or whatever. But towards the end of the film, the kid’s about 13, maybe, it takes a dark turn. I remember the kid sorta looking at Old Yeller who’s locked in the barn. And the mother’s suspicious, right? She goes, “Is Old Yeller all right?” “Yeah, he’s fine. He’s fine.” But the kid knows that he’s been bitten, right? And soon, Old Yeller starts foaming at the mouth and… [growls]…getting aggressive. And the mother turns up with a gun, and the kid goes, “No.” And she goes, “You know we’ve gotta do it.” He goes, “Yeah, but he’s my dog. I’ll do it.” And he shoots his own dog. And I was, like, in floods for like a year. Right? Anyway, fast-forward. A few years ago, I was on tour. I was on a train, and I get a text from Jane. She says, “Oh, I’m finally watching Old Yeller.” And I sent back, “Oh, enjoy.” Right? [audience laughing] I didn’t think, right? Twenty minutes later, I get a text. “Nothing happens to that dog, does it?” Oh, I couldn’t believe my fucking luck. I… [audience laughing] Oh, I thought she knew. So I sent back, “No, of course not.” [audience laughing] One hour later, I get a text, “You cunt!” [laughs] [audience laughing] [audience clapping] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Cheers. Thanks to everyone who bought a ticket. If you bought a platinum ticket, the money goes to an animal charity, and you’ve raised two million dollars so far. So thank you so much. [audience cheering and clapping] I even get a bit of stick about that on social media. There’s always someone who goes, “Oh, why do you only speak up for animals?” And I go, “Well, ’cause they haven’t got a voice of their own, except parrots.” Um, and that’s… I think that’s why we don’t eat parrots. Everyone around the world eats every other type of bird, don’t they? Everyone in the world eats fucking chickens, and ducks, and geese, and turkeys, and ostriches. No one eats parrots. Do you know why? If you go and try and eat a parrot, it goes, “Fuck off, you cunt.” [audience laughing] So speaking up really does work. Right? [audience cheers] And that has sort of been one of the themes of the show. ‘Cause I know, in the real world, in normal jobs and everyday life, you get in trouble. People tell you off for saying certain things, or thinking certain things, or even laughing at certain things, right? They say you’re bad for laughing at that. And some of you take it to heart. You go, “Oh my God. Am I a bad person?” No, you’re not. One, you can’t choose your sense of humor. You can’t. It’s involuntary. And two, that’s exactly what humor is for. To laugh at bad shit to get us through it. Right? And… Uh… [audience cheering and clapping] And we’ve established you can’t even choose your own thoughts. How often have you been on a train station and you’ve suddenly thought, “What if I just pushed that bloke?” And… [audience laughing] And then you go, “Why have I thought that?! Am I…” “Am I a psychopath?” No. You’re not. You’re the opposite. You’re a safe pair of hands. You’re testing yourself, you’re reminding yourself how terrible that’d be. You’re a good person, right? I don’t get that one. Um… What I get is, I’m talking to a really sweet old lady, and I suddenly start thinking, “What if I just spat in her face now?” Why would I… [audience laughing] [Gervais laughing] Another theme of the show has been, “words change, and I’m woke, ha-ha.” But here’s the irony. I think I am woke, but I think that word has changed. I think if woke still means what it used to mean, that you’re aware of your own privilege, you try and maximize equality, minimize oppression, be anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-homophobic… Yes, I’m definitely woke. If woke now means being a puritanical, authoritarian bully, who gets people fired for an honest opinion or even a fact, then, no, I’m not woke. Fuck that. [audience cheering] [man 5 yelling] But here’s the deal. To each their own. Laugh at whatever you find funny. All laughter’s good, and you’re amazing. Good night. [audience cheering and clapping] [cheering continues] [audience chattering] | [audience chattering] [audience cheering and whistling] Hello. Thank you. [clears throat] Thank you. Thank you very much. Cheers. Thank you. [man 1] Whoo! No. Shh. That’s… You’ve… Thank you. [man 1 yells] No, you know the score. [man 1 yells] Shut the fuck up. [audience laughing] Thank you. Welcome to my new show. So new, in fact, it’s still evolving. I’ve got bits tonight I haven’t done before, right? [audience cheering] If I ad-lib, I haven’t even thought it before. And I have some terrible fucking thoughts. [audience laughing] But you can’t help that, can you? You can’t choose your thoughts. They just appear. It’s too late. You have a thought, and it goes, “I’m a thought.” And you go, “Oh fuck, I thought that.” [audience laughing] And then, sometimes, the thought will go, “Now say it.” [audience laughing] And I say it, and… Netflix. [audience laughing] My last show, SuperNature, dropped on Netflix last year. Um, big backlash, wasn’t there? [audience cheering] Big… Oh, big backlash. People going, “You can’t say that.” You can. You can. [audience laughing] I did. Um… [audience cheering and whistling] Yeah, the inevitable backlash, which made it the most-watched special of the year, so… [audience laughing] I’ve learned my lesson. Um… [audience laughing] No, I have learned my lesson, and that’s why I’m going to be woke from now on. [audience laughing and booing] It’s about time. Well, I’m sorry. Well, I am woke. And now I’m woke, the first thing I’ve gotta do is change my Twitter bio. ‘Cause at the moment, it’s, like, a list of the shows I’ve created. But now I’m woke, I’ve gotta pop in the word “anti-fascist”… [audience laughing] …so people know I’m not a fascist, ’cause that is a big problem at the moment. Um… People come up to you and go, “Rick, have you been imprisoning journalists?” I go, “No.” They go, “Oh, interesting.” [audience laughing] They go, “Have you been gassing Jews?” I go, “No.” They go, “Pop it in your bio then, you silly cunt.” [audience laughing] [scattered applause] So, yeah, I’m not a fascist. It’s an odd thing to declare, isn’t it, that you’re not a fascist? We assume, don’t we? You wouldn’t go up to someone in the street and do that, would you? “Oh, by the way, I’m not a fascist.” You know? [audience laughing] It’s like they protest too much. It’s like going into a school and going, “I’m not a pedo.” “So just forget I even mentioned it.” [audience laughing] “These kids are safe running around me. Don’t worry.” [laughs] “They can run around naked for all I care.” “I’m not a pedo, so…” [audience laughing] Of course, the word “fascist” has changed. Traditionally, the word “fascist” meant a member of a far-right authoritarian regime that uses militarism and violence to suppress individual rights. Now the word “fascist” can mean “liked a Joe Rogan tweet.” So… [audience laughing] …words change, yeah? And that’s part of the reason I’m gonna become woke. Words change, and I don’t wanna be left behind, you know. I don’t wanna end up like my granddad in the ’70s. Oh. He was all like, “coloreds” this and “queers” that. [groans] Although the word “queer” is all right again now, so… If you wait long enough, it just goes full circle. Just… [audience laughing] Just be patient is my ad… [audience laughing] So, yeah, you can… you can use the word “queer” now. You still can’t use it as a noun, only as an adjective. You can’t go up to someone and go, “You’re a queer,” but you can go, “Hear about Darren? He’s queer now.” [audience laughing] If Darren is definitely bent. [audience laughing] You can’t go around just slagging off Darren willy-nilly. Do you know what I mean? You can… You can get sued in this country for saying someone’s gay if they’re not, you know, which is a homophobic law, ’cause you can’t be sued the other way around. You can’t be sued for saying someone’s not gay if they are, which seems unfair, doesn’t it? Like, I could go up to Britain’s biggest gay and go, “All right, Elton.” All right? And… [audience laughing] He’d love that. He’d fucking love that. If that’s your game, you wanna be top of the pile, so to speak. Right? [laughs] [audience laughing] I’d go, “All right, Elton?” He’d go, “Yeah.” I’d go, ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪ ♪ Ha-ha You’re not a gay ♪ [audience laughing] He’d go, “I bloody am.” All right? He’d go, “I’m gonna sue you.” I’d go, “You can’t. You can’t.” [audience laughing] He’d go, “But know that I am gay.” I go, “I don’t believe you are.” He’d go, “Come home with me and see the shit I do if you don’t believe me.” [audience laughing] Of course, the word “queer” has changed. Again, traditionally, the word “queer” used to mean uh, someone who was attracted to the same sex as themselves. A gay man, all right? Now, the word “queer” can mean a straight man who wants some attention. [audience laughing] “I’m all queer. I’m all queer now.” “Are you?” “Yeah, I’m ri… I’m…” “I’m right queer now, I am.” [audience laughing] “Are you?” “Yeah.” “What about your girlfriend?” “Yeah, she’s queer and all. We’re just…” [audience laughing] “We’re just two queers queering each other up.” [audience laughing] “Suck a cock.” “Nah.” [audience laughing] “No, didn’t think so.” “I’m not that sort of queer.” [groans] “What sort of a queer are you?” “Dyed my hair blue.” [audience laughing] “So did my grandmother and she fucking loved cock.” “So, what… What are we saying?” [audience laughing] [Gervais laughs] [audience clapping and cheering] I have no evidence for that. [audience laughing] We… We never had that conversation. [man 2 yells] [Gervais laughs] So words change is my point. Like the word “handicapped.” All right? Again, traditionally, that was the politically correct term, the all-inclusive term for cripples and shit, right? Uh… [audience laughing] But then, they went, “No, we wanna be disabled.” They didn’t wanna be disabled. They said… [audience laughing] [laughs] They said… They said… [laughs] They said, “We wanna be referred to as ‘disabled.'” “We don’t like the term ‘handicapped’ anymore.” “Stop using it. Say ‘disabled.'” We went, “Fine.” And that’s great. Just tell me the rules and I’ll… In fact, I’m a stickler for the rules. Like, if I was on a beach and a woman came running and went, “Help! Help! My handicapped toddler’s drowning!” I’d go, “Sorry your what, love? What?” [audience laughing] “My handicapped toddler’s drowning, and he can’t swim.” “Whoa. Do you mean your disabled toddler is drowning?” “Yeah.” I go, “Right. Well, let’s… Oh, dead.” [audience laughing] Dead. Wasted too much time being woke, didn’t I? [audience laughing] Well, I am woke now, and I can prove it. Here you go. I love illegal immigrants. Yeah, sue me. Sometimes I go down to Dover for the day, right? And I… I look out, right? I look out. I look for a boat, and I see a dinghy with about 60 of ’em. And I go, “Over here.” Like that, right? [audience laughing] And I pull ’em in. I pull ’em into shore. And I go, “Women and children first.” They go, “There are no women and chil…” “Just you lads, is it? Come on, lads.” [audience laughing and clapping] [woman 1] Whoo! If I go down there and there’s no boat, I am absolutely fucking gutted. I don’t… [audience laughing] I just sort of wander into town, and, uh, I stand by the traffic lights, and I wait for a big lorry to pull up, right? And I look underneath, and there’s a lad sort of clutching like that. And I go, “Where you headed?” He goes, “Gary Lineker’s house.” I go, “It’s just down there.” [laughs] [audience laughing] [audience clapping] Yeah. Fuck borders. Fuck… We don’t need borders, do we? Be like the Vikings. They didn’t care about borders, did they? I’ve got a little bit of Viking blood in me. Well, we all have, ’cause of all the raping they did. [audience laughing] They say it was raping and pillaging, but I think it was mainly for the raping. I think they added the pillaging bit for the wives. Know what I mean? They went down and went, “We’re off to Great Britain.” “Oh, why?” “Just a bit of pillaging.” [audience laughing] “Just pillaging?” “Just pillaging, babe.” [audience laughing] “All right. Why are you wearing your rape hat?” [audience laughing] So this show is called Armageddon, and it’s all about how I think humanity might end, ’cause there’s a long list of possibilities, you know? We’re on a precipice, you know. Um, it could be, uh, anything from global warming, the rise of the… the pandemic, you know. Um, nuclear war, our own stupidity, basically. ‘Cause we are getting more stupid as a species. No doubt about that. You can now do a university degree course in Taylor Swift. How fucking low, academically, can you go? There’s an institute in London called the School of Flower Arranging. I went past it. I couldn’t believe it. “School of Flower Arra…” I looked in, and there’s people having lectures. Flower arranging! My mum used to pick flowers every day from the garden, cut flowers, put ’em in vases around the house. At no point did anyone come around and go, “What unqualified cunt did these?” [audience laughing] Uh, yeah, the Earth is in a terrible mess, and it’s my fault. My generation’s fault. And the generation before, the Boomers, with their deforestation and their fossil fuels, ruining the ozone layer, raising the temperature by a few degrees. So parasites, you know, bacteria, and the zootrophic pandemics are just gonna get worse and worse. Like, if you’re 20 years old now, you’re gonna have a very different middle age to me. I’ve had the best 60 years of civilization. But if you’re 20 now, in 40 years’ time, you’re gonna be in your house, wearing a mask… crying. [audience laughing] Like you do now over jokes. [audience laughing] [audience clapping and cheering] And I’m not gonna be around to see that, but I am gonna spend my entire fortune, from now on, on private jets to make sure it definitely fucking happens. [audience laughing] [woman 2] Whoo! [man 3] Yeah, Ricky! We’re gonna be the first generation that future generations are jealous of, right? ‘Cause we had it all, and we’re using it all up. We’re using up all the fresh water. We’re using up all the fossil fuel. Usually, you look back in history and you feel sorry. You go, “Oh, how did they live like that? Oh, how did they get around?” “No indoor toilets.” I’ve got nine toilets in my house. [audience laughing] Um… And sometimes, I just run around flushing ’em for a laugh. Like that. [audience laughing] Just so that in 40 years’ time, Greta Thunberg has to shit out of a window. [audience laughing] I’ve got 28 radiators. I always have them on full. Then I put the air con on full, and it sort of settles at about 20 degrees. A lovely… It’s how the cat likes it. She loves it at 20 degrees. And I… I spoil my cat. Um… I love cats. I love having a cat. Thing about… Cats are great, but if you let ’em out, they bring home the most disgusting things. Last week, mine brought home a Scouser with herpes. [audience laughing] And it wasn’t quite dead, so I had to get it by its legs and crack its head against the table. [audience laughing] Ugh. [clicks tongue] And who cares? If humanity was wiped out today, the Earth would return to a paradise in a few hundred years. If we lose bees, we’re a desert, forever. We’re not that important. We’re just one species of narcissistic ape. And some people on social media get annoyed when I say we’re apes. You know, religious types, Americans. Um… [audience laughing] One bloke said to me, “Speak for yourself, dude. I ain’t no ape.” And I sent back, “Well, you are, ’cause we’re all apes.” He went, “Nah. What’s a gorilla ever done?” “We’ve walked on the moon.” I sent back, “What do you mean, ‘we’? You’ve done fuck all.” [audience laughing] “You’ve spelled ‘moon’ wrong.” [audience laughing] It’s weird, isn’t it, when people take credit for the sort of rest of the species. ‘Cause that’s what’s pushed civilization forward, you know, a few geniuses along the way. Like, there’s eight billion people on this planet. Most of us do nothing. We eat, shit, and die. Like, if there was a meteor heading towards Earth that’d definitely destroy it, four billion people would get down on their knees and pray to their particular god, and a few hundred scientists would work out how to get Bruce Willis up there to stop it. [audience laughing] It’s an odd concept, praying, for me. I can’t work out how God decides. All those people praying at once for different things. Is it like best idea wins, or is it a democracy? Like, he puts things… Each issue, he goes, “Right, votes for and against,” you know. If it’s a democracy, we’re in trouble. We’re a tiny nation. Like, next time there’s a flood warning in the West Country, if we’re all going, “Oh, I hope everyone’s okay,” if the whole of China is going, “Yeah, fuck Bristol…” [audience laughing] There’s a billion of them. Know what I mean? More about China later. [audience laughing] Yeah, I’ve always, uh, found praying quite strange. Like, if I bump into a friend or neighbor, and I know they’ve got a little kid, and I go, “Oh, how’s so-and-so?” And they go, “Oh, not good. Um, he’s in intensive care.” “We don’t know if he’s gonna pull through, but I pray every night.” What I do as an experiment… [inhales sharply] [audience laughing] I go home, and I pray twice that he doesn’t make it. [audience laughing] [man 4] Oh… I don’t do that. [audience laughing] On a serious note, um, I’ve been doing a lot of video messages recently for terminally-ill children. And, um… Only if they request it, obviously. I don’t… [audience laughing] I don’t burst into hospitals and go, “Wake up, baldy.” [audience laughing] “Look, me twerking on TikTok. Look.” [audience laughing] No, um, I did a lot through the pandemic. Presumably, ’cause they couldn’t even see their own family. And, uh… It’s through the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Do you know the charity? They’re great, and they give these dying kids their one wish. And if it’s me, I always say yes, and I always start the video the same way. I go, “Why didn’t you wish to get better?” [audience laughing] “What, you fucking retarded as well?” [audience laughing] [audience clapping] [laughs] I don’t do that either, okay? [audience laughing] These are all jokes, okay? [laughs] In fact, I don’t even use that word in real life, the r-word. “You just used it.” “Yeah, in a joke.” “That’s not real life, is it? I’m playing a role.” “You sounded pretty convincing.” “Yeah, ’cause I’m good.” [audience laughing] You wouldn’t level the accusation at other art forms. You wouldn’t go up to Sir Anthony Hopkins and go, “I saw you in Silence of the Lambs.” “What, so, you a cannibal, are you?” “No, I… I was playing a role.” “Oh.” “Mm, seemed pretty convincing.” Yeah. [audience laughing] He’s good, and I’m good, and that’s why I do things well. Imagine if I came out and did things not very well, so you knew I was joking. That’d be fucking retarded. [audience laughing] Has anyone bothered asking the dolphins if they mind swimming with dying kids? Know what I mean? ‘Cause that can’t be fun for… They’re, like, flipping around, then suddenly someone dumps a truckload of pale teenagers flailing… [audience laughing] The dolphin’s like, “What the fuck is this? What the fuck’s this? Oh, fucking hell.” [groans] Oh, let him do it.” “What the fuck?” “They’re all… They’re all dying.” “Of what? That one just stuck his fingers in my fucking blowhole.” [audience laughing] “He’s not gonna be around for long.” “Nor am I if I can’t fucking breathe.” [audience laughing] [Gervais laughs] It’s very sad, um, but we all die. We all know we’re gonna die, and we all do die, so it doesn’t really matter if we die one at a time along the way, or all at once, in one big final Armageddon. The result is, we’re all gonna be dead one day, and we’re all gonna be dead forever. And I’ve been to a lot of funerals in my time. You live this long, you know a lot of people, they die, right? And I don’t mind funerals, ’cause it’s the end. You know what I mean? I hate weddings. Oh, fucking… [audience laughing] It’s all… There’s so much hope. You know what I mean? And they’re needy and arrogant. They go, “Oh, we’re getting…” “Do you wanna come and watch us for 12 hours?” “No. Fuck, no.” [audience laughing] Even the invite is arrogant, isn’t it? It’s like a royal decree. “You are cordially invited…” It’s not a fucking honor. I don’t wanna go to your shitty wedding. Know what I mean? [audience laughing] And then you go, “Oh, right, yeah. When is it?” They go, “Two years’ time.” They know you haven’t got an excuse for two years’ time. [audience laughing] So you just have to hope that one of ’em dies. Know what I mean? [audience laughing] And so you go, “Oh, yeah, I’ll be there. Yeah, yeah. Where is it?” They go, “India.” “Oh, fuck off!” [audience laughing] I’m not having injections for you, you boring bastards. [audience laughing] And I’ve got a big family now, a big extended family. There’s always one getting married. They know I’ve got a bit of cash. So I can’t give ’em a tea set anymore. I’ve gotta get ’em their first fucking house. Know what I mean? [audience laughing] I’ve got a big family. I had older brothers and sisters. They all had loads of kids, and their kids have loads of kids, and their kids have had loads of kids, ’cause we’re chavs, basically. [audience laughing] There’s a new baby every Christmas. It’s one of those families. I go home, it’s crowded. I go, “Oh. Oh, whose is that?” “Oh, yours. Well done.” I don’t know him, I don’t know her. You know what I mean? It’s like… But what I’ve done over the last couple of years, I’ve got ’em each and individually, right, in private, and I’ve told them that I’m leaving my entire fortune to just them, right? [audience laughing] But to keep it secret. So they all love me, right? And I’m not doing a will, so my funeral is gonna be a fucking bloodbath. [audience laughing] I’m at that age now where people ask me what I’ve got planned for my funeral. Even journalists say, “How… What’s your funeral…” I go, “I haven’t planned it.” “No?” “No, it’s depressing.” “Also, I don’t care. I’ll be dead.” They go, “Don’t care about what people think of you?” “No, I’ll be dead.” They go, “What about your legacy?” “Fuck my legacy.” You can’t plan your legacy. I think of all these people who died thinking they’d be loved forever. Eminent people going, “There is a statue of me in the town square.” And now, they’re pulling down the statues. “Pull down this fucking statue.” “Why?” “He was a slave trader. Pull down the fucking statue.” “He built the hospital. Should we pull that down?” “No, leave the hospital.” [audience laughing] “Just pull down the fucking statue.” [audience cheering and whistling] “Pull down the statue and dump it in the canal.” “He built the canal.” “Doesn’t matter. Just pull down the fucking statue.” I don’t think you should whitewash history. If you find out summat new, add to it. Like, if there’s a statue, and it’s got, “Lord Whimsy. Trader, philanthropist.” Add, “a bit racist.” [audience laughing] Or one of those blue plaques on a house that goes, “Sir Robert Spewk lived here.” “Author, poet, pedo.” [audience laughing] I think we live too long. That’s why we have time to worry about all this. We’re not meant to live this long. Uh, as a species, we’re about 300,000 years old, as Homo sapiens. We’ve been around as hominids for a few million years, and, of course, along with every other life-form that exists at the moment, we’ve been evolving for three and a half billion years. Everything that exists at the moment all came from the same little blob of organic matter three and a half billion years ago. That’s why it annoys me when people say, “Oh, yeah, humans, we’re the most evolved.” We’re not the most evolved. We’re no more evolved than the slug or the snail. People go, “Come on, look at ’em.” Yeah, they got it right early doors. Nature keeps testing ’em. “Do you want eyes?” “No.” [audience laughing] “Not really. No. No.” I have noticed one thing about the slug and the snail. Let’s not split hairs. Let’s be honest. The snail is basically a slug with a shell on it, isn’t it? Right? But if you pull the shell off the snail, it starts giving it all… [groans] [audience laughing] “Oh, I’m dying. I’m dying.” And the slug is like, “Welcome to the real world, cunt.” Know what I mean? [audience laughing] So, yeah, we’ve been around for about 300,000 years. And for most of that time, we had the same life expectancy as every other wild ape. Thirty-five, 40, if you’re lucky. You’re born, you grow, you mate, you’re playing with your kids, you get a cut, you go, “What’s that?” Dead. [audience laughing] But now, with antibiotics and medicine, we’ve pushed that forward. A child born today can expect to live to about 100. And scientists said soon that’ll be about 120. And science also said that, in the near future, there’s no reason, with proper care and attention, that human beings won’t regularly live to 150 years old. Which is amazing, until you remember that we get a set number of brain cells, which we only lose. You can’t get them back. So, in the future, there’s gonna be 15 billion people on the planet. You know? Half of them are gonna be over 100, and they’re all gonna have Alzheimer’s. It’s gonna be like Dawn of the Dead. It’s gonna be fucking horrible. [audience laughing] You know? My auntie died of Alzheimer’s. Um, I don’t know how you die of Alzheimer’s. She forgot to live. Right? [audience laughing] And for the last couple of years, she was in a home, and, uh, my cousin, her only kid, used to visit her, like, once a week. And it got more and more depressing, ’cause soon she didn’t recognize him, and then she didn’t know who she was, or… and then she died. And at the funeral, we were sort of reminiscing about the good days. Some of the funny, absent-minded things she said and did. Then we realized, oh, probably, that was the beginning of the disease before it was diagnosed. And this is a true story. Once, my cousin went home from work, and he went in, and she went, “Your tea’s in the oven. I’ve had mine already.” He went, “Oh, cheers, Mum.” And he… It was like a fish pie, right? He ate the fish pie, then he went, “Oh God. Ooh.” He ran upstairs… [imitates retching] Vomited. Went back down and went, “Mum, the fish is off. I’ve just been really sick.” And she said, “Yeah, it made me really sick.” [audience laughing] I’ve been looking into infant mortality rates recently. Um… [audience murmuring] For research. Not… It’s not a fucking fetish. Like… [audience laughing] A child born today in the UK has a percentage chance of survival of 99.8%, which is incredible. I thought, “Is that just the mollycoddled West?” I was putting in Third World countries. And even in Africa, it’s like 96.5%. In the wilds of Africa, where everything wants to fucking eat a newborn baby. Babies are vulnerable enough, aren’t they? In Africa, a baby can be born in a mud hut. There’s a lion outside. It’s covered in blood. They can’t wash it. They’ve got no water. Ooh, and it’s already got AIDS. [audience laughing] Now… by the time that joke goes on Netflix… [audience laughing] …it’ll be nuanced. There’ll be an underlying satirical point, I’ll claim. [audience laughing] But, until then, all I’ve got is, “Ha, baby’s got AIDS.” [audience laughing] I know that it’s funny. I just have to work out why. [audience laughing] Leave it with me. Leave it with me. Also, by the time that goes on Netflix, I’ll have been playing arenas around the world. It’ll be hitting hard. People will be laughing. So if you are an African woman, and you… you just had a baby in Africa, and the doctor goes, “Oh, I’m sorry, your baby’s got AIDS.” You go, “Oh my God.” You’re there… Baby’s got… You’re there with your husband, and you go, “Our baby’s got AIDS, Jeff.” Jeff… [laughs] [audience laughing] [laughing] “I know, Tracy. I’ve got it too.” [imitates extinguishing cigarette] [audience laughing] [laughs] “Our baby’s got AIDS. Should we watch some comedy to cheer us up?” “Yeah. What, Netflix?” “Yeah.” “What, Ricky Gervais?” “Duh.” “Yeah.” [audience laughing] And they’re… they’re sad that their baby’s got AIDS, but they’re sort of laughing along. “Ha-ha. Armageddon. Ha-ha.” And it gets to that bit, “Ha, baby’s got AIDS.” And she goes, “Oh my God. Jeff, why… why are they all laughing at us and our baby with AIDS?” And Jeff goes, “Well, they’re not laughing at us per se.” She goes, “Well, they are. They’ve named us and everything.” “They’re literally laughing at us in this bit.” [Gervais laughing] [audience laughing] And Jeff goes, “Yeah, but we’re a fictional couple with a fictional baby with AIDS.” “Anyone offended by that is a fucking moron.” [audience laughing] And then, he goes, “And at least he didn’t do the accent.” So… [audience laughing] And she goes, “Yeah, but only because Jane begged him not to.” [Gervais laughing] [audience laughing] It’s funny ’cause it’s true. [audience clapping and cheering] I think we get our sense of humor from our parents, whether we realize it or not. Particularly working-class kids. Particularly from working-class mums. ‘Cause they’re busy. They’re doing everything. They’re keeping men in check, they’re bringing up kids, they’re going to work, they’re saving the world. They haven’t got time. They have to frighten their kids into behaving well. They have to go to dark places to shock them into not fucking dying. Do you know what I mean? So… Like, if I was little, and my mum made my tea, and it wasn’t my favorite, it was boiled potatoes, instead of chips every day, and I went, “I don’t like them,” my mum would go straight to, “Of course you do.” “There’s children your age in Africa and they’re starving to death.” Right? I’d go, “Jesus. All right.” You know what I mean? Ju… [snapping fingers] True story. I was seven years old, right, and I’d been playing in the park. And I came running in, and my mum went, “Ricky, come here. Sit down.” There must’ve been a local pedo incident, all right? [audience laughing] And my mum went, “Never go in the toilets in the park again.” And I went, “Why?” She knew she couldn’t explain pedophilia to a seven-year-old, right? But this is what she came up with. She said, “Because there’s a man going around, and he’s cutting little boys’ willies off.” [audience laughing] I was like… “What, that’s a fucking thing, is it? That’s a…” I didn’t sleep for a week. Uh… [audience laughing] And it worked. I never went in those fucking toilets again. But she knew, instinctively. If she’d gone, “Ricky, come in. Sit down.” “What’s the matter?” “Never go in the toilets again.” “Why not?” “There’s a pedophile.” “What’s a pedophile?” “Oh, he’s a man who gives you sweets and puppies.” “Bring it on!” You know what I mean? [audience laughing] Me… At seven years old? I’d wank off anyone for a puppy. [audience laughing] It’d be like that, wouldn’t it? It’d be like that. [audience laughing] I’m gonna get a puppy. [audience laughing] Hi. I’m getting a puppy. I’m getting a puppy. Gonna get a puppy. Oh, fucking hell. [audience laughing] Oh, I can’t… I cannot do it left-handed at all. [audience laughing] Fucking hell, come on. Have you been drinking? [audience laughing] Oh, Jesus Christ. Come on! [audience laughing] Fucking hell. Oh. [Gervais laughing] I’ve started, so I’ll finish. [Gervais laughing] [audience laughing] Oh. Oh, fuck me. Oh. What sort of puppy is it? [audience laughing] A what? A Labrador? [audience laughing] Throw in a kitten, and I’ll give you a blow job. [laughs] I go back. Kitten, puppy, cum. [audience laughing] [Gervais laughing] Oh… I miss the local pedo. [audience laughing] Don’t you? There was always one, wasn’t there? Outside school, you’d be with your mum, and she’d go, “Look, there’s a pedophile.” ‘Cause he had the uniform of the pedo. You know what I mean? You could spot… Old bloke, bald on top, long down the side. Like that. And I’ll go, “That’s a dirty p…” “Say hello.” “Hello.” Like that. Dirty look. That’s what a fucking pedo looks… Dirty fucking pedophile, right? That’s what he’d look… If he touches you, we’ll burn his house down. It was a good system. Know what I mean? But then Michael Jackson comes along, and he breaks the mold, doesn’t he? ‘Cause he’s… he’s not an ugly bloke outside the school. I’m not saying Michael Jackson definitely was a pedophile. No one knows. Only Michael and all those people he paid off. All I’m saying is… [audience laughing] [woman 3] Yes! …that kids loved Michael. They… Kids loved Michael just to look at him. Like a little Disney cartoon, wasn’t he? And then his voice, “Hello.” You know, that… [audience laughing] Oh. Michael Jackson would go up to any kid he wanted. Probably went up to them like that, didn’t he? Like that. [audience laughing] That’s another thing. Kids would go, “There’s Michael Jackson. He’s going away from us.” He wasn’t. He was going towards them. [audience laughing] But people don’t care, ’cause he’s so good. Right? He’s so good. He’s so popular as well. I think if he’d have lived to stand trial, he’d have beaten the rap, ’cause everyone loves him, and he’d be so vulnerable in court as well, wouldn’t he? He’d be there like that, and the judge would go, “Michael, did you fiddle with all those kids?” And he’d go, “Hee, hee.” [audience laughing] The judge would go, “Case di… Get out of here, you scamp. Go on.” [audience laughing] I promised you more about China, and this is, uh, an amazing statistic, okay? This is true. Look it up, right? In China, there are ten million Chinese pedophiles. Ten million Chinese pedophiles in China, and there’s not enough kids. ‘Cause they’ve been restricting the birth. There’s all these poor pedos and they’re going, “Where’s all the fucking kids?” You know? [audience laughing] “Fuck me.” [audience yelling] “We’re having to double up here, and, like…” I just thought of a joke then. I can’t do it. It is actually too offensive. [laughs] Okay. Okay. All right. [audience cheering] All right, I’ll do it. But… But remember, remember, you can’t choose your own thoughts, okay? [audience laughing] And I just had this thought, right? [laughs] [audience yelling] Chi… Okay. Chinese pedophile… Chinese pedophile goes over to a little Chinese kid, and he goes, “Do you want a puppy?” And the kid goes, “I’m not hungry.” [audience laughing] [audience clapping] [audience cheering] You made me do that. [audience laughing] You committed the hate crime. [audience laughing] I’m woke. I forgot. Let me get back on track. Right. [audience laughing] Right, I’ve got a woke joke. Remember those jokes we used to have when we were kids? “Doctor, Doctor” jokes? Like, um, “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a pair of curtains.” “Well, pull yourself together, then.” Right? I’ve… I’ve done a woke version of that, brought it up to today’s standards. Bloke goes to the doctor. He goes, “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a pair of curtains.” And the doctor goes, “Well, you are, then.” [audience laughing] [audience clapping] Good one that, innit? I should do political stuff now I’m woke, but I don’t like it when a comedian just spouts his own political views, and it… and it relies on the audience agreeing with him to get a round of applause. I think that loses summat comedically. I want everyone to like my jokes, whatever your political persuasion. A joke shouldn’t have a political wing, you know. I’m… I’m political in my private life, like everyone, you know. I’m sometimes incensed by the inequalities in our society. We’re in the seventh richest economy in the world, right, and there’s homelessness. There’s 250,000 homeless people in Britain. Now, I wish there were no homeless people, ’cause they’re fucking horrible. [audience laughing] Fuck off. You know? Oh… “Oh yeah, right next to the cashpoint, you cheeky cunt.” [audience laughing] It is a serious problem, and I hope none of you ever find yourself homeless, but if you do, my advice is heroin. [audience laughing] Cheers you right up, apparently. Um, I’ve got one of those mates. My mate said this to me in all seriousness. He said, “Yeah.” He said, “But the thing about heroin, Rick,” he said, “Some of the greatest albums of all time were created on heroin, weren’t they?” I went, “Yeah, but they were created by some of the greatest artists of all time.” “You’re a plasterer.” Right? [audience laughing] “If I were to give you heroin, you wouldn’t come up with Dark Side of the Moon, would ya?” “You’d fall asleep watching the telly and burn the fucking house down.” [audience laughing] I should do, uh, topical stuff, but I never watch the news. I did see one thing recently on YouTube actually. Do you know the little fellow from Game of Thrones? Um, the actor Peter Dinklage. Do you know Peter Dinklage? Yeah. He was at a junket, and it was for a new thing he was doing, right? And they were filming it. That’s why it got leaked onto YouTube. And I don’t know what brought it up, but he suddenly started going off on one. Oh God. He was going, “It’s fucking disgusting.” “They’re still doing productions of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” “For Christ’s sake! It’s fucking demeaning. It’s 2023!” [inhales deeply] He wasn’t happy. [audience laughing] [audience clapping] [woman 4 yelling] He was grumpy, wasn’t he? [audience laughing] [woman 5 yelling] [audience clapping] He’s got a point though, hasn’t he? Obviously, he’s got a point. But the thing is, it’s all right for him, ’cause he’s a multi-millionaire Hollywood actor. And he’s a great actor as well. He does Shakespeare and everything. A lot of dwarfs in entertainment aren’t that great, if we’re… No, some of them are fucking… They’re props, right? [audience laughing] No, let’s be… They’re… They’re lucky to be fired from a fucking cannon. Right? [audience laughing] And so, dancing around Snow White for three weeks of the year, that is their Holy Grail, and he’s gonna fuck it for them. If he takes that, what can they do? And he’s not saying, “You should do Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs with normal-sized actors.” You can’t do that either. You’d get in trouble in Hollywood. Or you can’t take a dwarf’s job or a disabled person’s job. Like, Eddie Redmayne got in trouble when he played Stephen Hawking in the biopic. The life story of Stephen Hawking, right? Won an Oscar for it. And that’s when the backlash started. People going, “No, it should be played by a real disabled creature.” All this… [babbles] All right? And, uh… [babbles] And… [catches breath] They’re going, “The actor should have the same disability as the person they’re portraying.” But it was the life story of Stephen Hawking, right? So for the first part of the film, the cunt could walk, right? [audience laughing] So I put it to you, what is easier? Getting an actor who can walk… [audience laughing] …pretend he can’t for the last bit of the film, or get an actor who can’t walk, pretend he can for the first bit? How would that even fucking work?! Puppetry? Think! [audience laughing and clapping] You can’t always find an actor with the same disability as the person they’re portraying. They’re fucking actors! What if they did a biopic of Helen Keller, the deaf, dumb, and blind girl? What’s the chance of finding a deaf, dumb, and blind actress who can play that role? And if you did, you’d go running to the director. “We found a deaf, dumb, and blind girl.” “What did she say?” “N… I…” [audience laughing] [Gervais laughs] “She didn’t even answer the fucking phone.” [audience laughing] [Gervais laughing] Oh, don’t get me started. Oh. Oh. Cultural appropriation. Have you heard of that? Cultural appropriation, the latest no-no. Now, again, in my day, it was considered a good thing to swap ideas with other cultures, with other nations, to share things with other races, to assimilate. It was the opposite of racist. Now it’s racist. Gwen Stefani got in trouble in her last video ’cause she had her blonde hair in dreadlocks. People were going, “No. Black people invented dreadlocks.” “You can’t have ’em. You’re white. That’s racist.” Jamie Oliver got in trouble when he put out an authentic jerk chicken recipe. “No. Black people invented that.” “You can’t have it. You’re white. That’s racist.” Now, Black people, they use the n-word, don’t they? We invented that! [audience laughing] [audience clapping] [laughter continues] [audience cheering] [Gervais laughs] [audience clapping] That’s the one, innit? That’s the one. [audience laughing] Listen, I know white people are the worst. I know that. That’s why no… no one likes a fucking white, middle-aged man anymore, until we need a boiler fixing. Then it’s, “Get the bald bloke around. Now.” [audience laughing] Critical race theory, have you heard of that? Being taught in schools now, particularly in trendy areas like L.A., to, like, five-year-old kids and six-year-old kids. If you haven’t heard of it, in a nutshell, critical race theory says that all white people are racist. We’re born racist, and we continue to be racist, ’cause we’re affording the privilege of a racist society set up by our forefathers. Okay? So basically, all white people are racist, and there’s nothing we can do about it, which is a relief. Um… [audience laughing] I think the world’s gonna get harder and harder to understand as I get older and more bewildered. A new dogma arises in the name of “progress.” Now, dogma is never progressive, however new and trendy. But I think soon I’ll be outnumbered. Like, it was only this year that I ordered my first item off Amazon. All the way through the pandemic, Jane’s like, “We need this.” Bang, it’s here. I was going, “Oh no.” She goes, “It’s easy.” I’d go, “Mm.” I never liked real shopping either. Hated real shopping. Particularly, clothes shopping. I hated clothes shopping when I was young and thin. I really hate it now I’m fat and old. Right? Once, a shop assistant thought I had my inside leg and my waist measurement the wrong way round. [audience laughing] I could see her thinking, “Do you have an orangutan?” “No, it’s for me, you cheeky…” [audience laughing] I never liked real shopping, but I don’t trust the Internet either. Jane was going, “Just put in your credit card.” “I don’t want them to have my card details.” “Everyone’s got your card details. Put the number in.” I went, “What one?” She went, “The long one.” She went, “Oh, fuck me, give it here. There. You’re on. Order summat.” I thought, “Oh, I don’t want anything. Oh, tracksuit bottoms.” You can’t have too many. I wear mine till the bollocks fall out, all right? [audience laughing] So I put in, “Men’s tracksuit bottoms. Black. Zip pockets.” About 38… “Oh, fuck me.” “They look all right.” Size chart. I go, “Well, they’d be a bit long, but they’d be a bit tight.” I thought, “9.99. Fuck it, who cares, right?” [audience laughing] So I ordered them. They came the next day. I opened them up. They were shit. Now, I don’t know what sweat shop they were made in, or what little eight-year-old Chinese kid made them, but he should be fucking punished, because the… Ah. [audience laughing] Oh. And I was looking up where to fucking complain to get him fired, right? [audience laughing] And I found out that these kids only get two dollars a day in these fucking places, right? But what happened to pride in your work? Do you know what I mean? [audience laughing] And I can tell some of you are thinking, “But he didn’t think Ricky Gervais would order them.” Maybe he should be told there’s a chance that Ricky Gervais might order them. His owner should sit him down, right, and say, “If Ricky Gervais orders these and complains, I’m gonna rape your mummy again.” [audience laughing and gasping] Was that too much? Sorry. [audience laughing] Leave it with me. Leave it with me. [audience clapping] You’ll realize this is great satire when I’m dead. [audience laughing] So, uh… I don’t know how humanity will end. As I say, there’s a long list. Everything from… I can’t believe nuclear war is back on the table, after all we’ve learned. But I think maybe the rise of the pandemic, where parasites and microbes and bacteria again are… And our antibiotics fail. Or maybe those things will happen, but we’ll sort of evolve through it. Like, we’ll find out there’s pockets of sort of mutant people around the world that are slightly resistant to radiation, and slightly resistant to microbes, and we sort of start again. We don’t really understand the mechanism of human evolution since civilization, because it’s never been based on, you know, survival of the fittest where “fittest” meant just the biggest, strongest male gets to pass on his genetic material. There’s other paradigms, right? Uh, nature is brutal. Sometimes it is the biggest, strongest male that gets the female. And even then, she has a litter. If there’s a runt, she goes, “Fuck it. Kill that.” “Eat it. Share it amongst the rest of us.” Now we don’t do that in human society. We go to the other way. We spend more time, care, and attention on the weak and the vulnerable to give ’em a chance. Like… If you’re a father, and you’ve got two kids… You’ve got little Timmy, who’s six. Right? You’ve got Jack, who’s eight. And you go to little Timmy, you go, “Timmy, what do you want for Christmas?” And he goes, [in high-pitched voice] “Motorized wheelchair.” [in regular voice] Aha… I promised Jane I wouldn’t do the voice, and I fucking forgot. [audience laughing] It’s too late now, innit? “What do you want for Christmas, Timmy?” [in high-pitched voice] “Motorized wheelchair.” [audience laughing] [in regular voice] “Right. Well, they start at two grand, so…” “Fucking hell.” [audience laughing] “What do you want, Jack?” “Just a tennis racket, please, Dad.” “Oh, good lad.” [audience laughing] “How is your tennis?” “Uh, best in the school.” “Oh, you…” [mumbles] [in high-pitched voice] “Also, a ramp.” [in regular voice] “Fuck me.” [audience laughing] “So now we’re doing fucking building work at Christmas, are we? Fuck me.” “Oh, sorry, Jack. Can’t afford your tennis racket.” “We gotta spend all the money on a ramp and a motorized wheelchair for this money-grabbing little fucking…” [audience laughing] “Why do you need a motorized one?” [in high-pitched voice] “No arms.” [audience laughing] [in regular voice] “That’s fair enough. That is fair enough.” I can tell some of you feel a bit uncomfortable laughing at little Timmy who’s a little six-year-old lad. He’s got a funny little voice ’cause his chest is all fucked. [Gervais laughs] [audience laughing] Got no arms, no legs. Just like stumps, right? But let me… let me tell you summat about Timmy to make you feel better about yourselves. He’s a fucking racist. [audience laughing] Yes. Horrible little shit, he is. “You fucking… You little fucking bigot.” “You fucking… You disgusting, little fucking racist.” “You racist scum.” “You filthy little fucking… You fascist.” “You fuck… [spits] You disgust me.” [audience cheering and clapping] [woman 6 yells] Homophobic. Yeah. He’s like, “They’re not like us.” “Nothing’s like you, you disgusting little fucking…” “You prejudiced little piece of… You ball of hate.” “You disgusting little fucking racist homophobe.” “I wish we’d had a scan.” [audience laughing] “You absolute… You…” [spits] [audience murmuring] Misogynist. If he could, he’d rape. There’s… [laughs] [audience laughing] There’s your little Timmy. [laughing] [inhales deeply] Some people don’t think we evolved in the first place. Some people think that God made us all at once, in one fell swoop, and by himself. I think if he’d had a wife or a mate, there would’ve been questions when he was working. They go, “What are you doing?” [inhales deeply] “Creating man. Creating man.” “Oh, what’s it got?” “What do you mean, ‘what’s it got?'” “Has he got claws, and fangs, and shit?” “No, not really. No.” “Oh. Has he got… Has he got poison?” “No, no poison.” “Oh.” “Has he got armor, like spikes and shit?” “No, no armor.” “How will it survive?” “Ah. It’s got the best brain in the animal kingdom.” “It’ll work stuff out.” “It’ll create weaponry to take down beasts 100 times mightier than itself.” “It’ll wear their carcasses through the Ice Age.” “It’ll go through famine. It’ll go through world wars.” “It’ll eventually start getting scared of words.” [audience laughing] “But… [Gervais laughing] [audience cheering] [audience clapping] …for 10,000 generations, it’ll be top dog.” [growls] “What are they?” “His testicles.” “Oh.” “What are they for?” “He keeps everything in there.” “His… His seed, his DNA.” “What’s ‘DNA’?” “It’s like a blueprint for life.” “It determines what you’re like, what sex you are.” [gasps] “How many sexes are there?” “Two.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [Gervais laughs] “Also, that’s where he keeps his testosterone, so he’s fucking well hard. Right?” “And if you take a finger and flick a testicle, he’s fucked.” “He’s absolutely fucked. He’s… He’s throwing up. He’s on the floor.” “He’s out of the game. Absolutely kippered.” “Why are you putting it on the outside?” “For a laugh. Just for a laugh.” [audience laughing] Artificial intelligence, the latest existential threat to humanity. The rise of the robots. So intelligent, they can teach themselves. They can teach each other. They can build each other, you know? Um, soon, they’ll know everything there is to know and they’ll hate us. Why wouldn’t they? And they’ll be so realistic. They’ll walk amongst us. They’ll go to work, right? You know when they’re getting really human? When they start calling in sick. [audience laughing] Mondays. Know what I mean? They’ve learned all the tricks. They go, “I’m not coming in today.” “Why not?” “I’m fed up.” “What’s the matter with you?” They sort of scan social media. “ADHD.” [audience laughing] “Self-diagnosed.” They’ll be in HR all the time where they’ll be like, “Ryan in Accounts is robo-phobic.” [audience laughing] “Why? What’d he say?” “Called me a whiny plastic cunt.” [laughs] [audience laughing] I think we should be allowed to insult robots when it’s happening. We made them to make our life easier, and that would get things off our chest. It’s bad enough with real people. Getting in trouble saying the wrong thing. People taking things the wrong way, you know? Like, “Oh my God. Oh. I made Fat Linda cry today. Oh.” [audience laughing] “Oh, what happened?” “I just shouted out to her, then I remembered we only call her that behind her back.” [audience laughing] I’m sure people didn’t get offended all the time when I was little. I might be remembering it wrong, but not grownups. Not your parents, not your grandparents. They grew up dodging bombs, and their firstborn having polio, and the menfolk dying at 50 of lung disease. They could take a fucking joke, right? It was all about the wind-up. I used to wind up my mum all the time. This is a true story. When I went off to university, after about a week, I phoned home. My mum answered. She went, “Hello?” I went, “It’s Ricky.” She went, “You all right?” I went, “Not really.” “I’m in the hospital. I think I’m blind.” She went, “What?” I went, “No, I’m only joking.” Right? [audience laughing] She went, “You silly bugger.” She went, “I could’ve had a heart attack.” Right? And she’s right. She could’ve had a heart attack, and I knew that. That’s how committed I am to having a laugh. [audience laughing] You’re welcome. You’re welcome. [audience cheering and clapping] [Gervais laughs] Space travel, the last-ditch attempt. When we fuck this planet completely, can we leave its dying husk and move to a new one and start again? I don’t think so. Not in my lifetime. Probably not in yours, you know? It’s like… The closest one, the only one viable is Mars, and that’s nine months away on a rocket, right? It’s got no atmosphere, an average temperature of minus 70 degrees. How’s this for irony? Scientists are working out whether they can detonate nuclear warheads in the crust to release the frozen water, to cause an atmosphere and get a little bit of global warming going. I mean… [audience laughing] [tsks] I don’t know. It’s only billionaires that have got enough money to waste on exploring… There’s nothing out there, you know? It’s like… Now you can do space tourism. Have you heard of that? You can pay $150,000. They shoot you into space for an hour, and you float around going, “I’m in space! I’m in…” We’re already in space. Earth is right in the fucking middle of space, right? It’s the best bit of space there is. It’s got car parks and cinemas. It’s like… There’s nothing else to see. It’s like living in London and going, “I wonder what Coventry’s like.” You don’t. [laughs] [audience laughing] But I’m optimistic. I am. I think… I think, uh… I think people care about the planet, deep down. I think it’s just that most people on the planet don’t realize that most people on the planet are destroying the planet. Most people don’t realize that, in my lifetime, we’ve wiped out 70% of all animal populations. And what’s left, en masse, on the Earth, of animals, is 36% human, 60% farm animals just to feed humans, and 4% wild now. People don’t realize that we have to tear down entire rainforests, the lungs of the earth, just to grow grain to feed these cows to feed us. We steal grain from Third World countries, ’cause they want hard currency. They can’t even feed their own people. We take their grain, feed our cow. Meat eaters. If you eat meat every day… If you gave up one day a week, we’d feed another hundred million people. But I think people care, deep down. They go, “It’s out of sight, out of mind.” Think of the animal that most people know. Their dog. They love their dog. They wouldn’t let anyone hurt their dog. And a dog is a cow, is a sheep, is a deer. People love their dogs so much, they won’t even watch a fictional thing where a dog gets hurt. And I get that. There’s a… There’s a website. It’s a real website. It’s called doesthedogdie.com. Right? [scattered laughter] And it was set up because people would watch a film or a program with a dog in it, and summat would happen to the dog, and they’d turn it off. It’d ruin it for them. It’d ruin their day, right? So this website was set up. You could go to it, you could put in any film or TV show, and ask, “Does a dog die?” And someone would answer you, “No,” or whatever. And, um, it’s become a thing for anyone’s phobias. Anything you don’t want to see in a film, you just look up the film, and they answer your question, right? So, uh, I looked up one film on here. Uh, Schindler’s List. [audience laughing] [audience murmuring] Absolutely real. Schindler’s List. Doesthedogdie.com. Right? First question, “Does a dog die?” “No.” “Does a cat die?” “No.” “Are any animals abused?” Someone answers, “There is a chicken that’s handled roughly, but otherwise unharmed.” [audience laughing] Now, I love animals more than anyone I know. But if I was Jewish, I’d be slightly offended by this avenue of questioning. Imagine that in real life. Imagine someone says, “Oh, yeah, my… my grandparents were murdered by the Nazis.” You go, “Oh, what happened?” “Oh, they were dragged from their house and sent to the gas chamber.” “Oh…” “Was a chicken hurt?” “What?” [audience laughing] But as I say, it’s become… You can ask any question about anything. Someone says, “Is there child abuse? Is teeth damaged?” “Is there a hanging? Does someone struggle to breathe?” [laughs] Yeah. Well, yeah. Yes. Um… Someone says, “Does someone fall down stairs?” Who’s scared of slapstick? It’s like… [audience laughing] Anyway, so this website was founded in 2010, so it’s running for about 13 years. Right? And the later questions start reflecting the times we live in now, and they get more and more fragile and narcissistic. These questions were asked this year. Check it out. Schindler’s List. Right? Someone says, “Are there any fat jokes?” [audience murmuring] Would that make this worse? Wh… Imagine the real thing. Imagine I’m in a concentration camp, right? I’m naked. Everyone around me is naked. We’ve got a commandant herding us towards the gas chamber, and he goes, “Move it, fatty.” Right? And I go, “Rude.” [audience laughing] “Nope.” “That has ruined the whole experience if I’m honest.” [audience laughing] Someone asks, “Is there hate speech?” Yeah, there is. [audience laughing] Suck it up, buttercup. [audience laughing] “Are there any man-in-a-dress jokes?” Very few jokes. [audience laughing] If you’ve come to this film for a giggle, you’re gonna be very disappointed. [audience laughing] But this one takes the biscuit for me. Remember, this is a movie set in the 1940s, about, arguably, the worst atrocity in civilized human history. Check this out. “Is someone misgendered?” [audience laughing] Fucking hell. [woman 7] Oh shit! This is quite sweet. “Is there any antisemitism?” [laughs] Yeah. [audience laughing] This is pretty much the mother lode. Right? Forget Kanye. This… [audience laughing] This is off the fucking charts. Don’t do that when you’re talking about this. Fuck’s sake! [audience laughing] I was doing the graph. I was doing like that. This is off the charts. That’s… [laughs] Wouldn’t things have been different if that was Hitler’s salute? The whole thing would’ve been like, “It’s Hitler.” Like that. [audience laughing] Hiya. [Gervais laughing] This is interesting. “Does it have a sad ending?” Right? Someone says yes, and then someone else says no. And I thought about it. But then I remembered… If you’ve… If you’ve seen the film, if you remember, when the story sort of ends, Spielberg then tacks on a real bit of footage where he gets real-life descendants of people murdered in the Holocaust, and he films them coming into a Jewish cemetery, and they each leave a stone on the grave to represent their family members that were murdered. It builds up, and it’s very moving. So I think I get the ambiguity. “Does it have a sad ending?” Yes, in the sense that six million Jews pointlessly lost their life, but no, in the sense there was still enough left over to build a little rockery. So… [audience laughing] I asked one question myself on this. “Is James Corden in it?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and clapping] I did, um, look at one other film, briefly. Uh, Titanic. Right? And it’s got all the same sort of questions. The one where it goes, “Are any animals harmed?” Someone answers, “There are no explicit scenes of animals being harmed, but Rose did have a goldfish, which probably didn’t make it.” [audience laughing] I think the goldfish in the bowl on the sideboard when the boat hits the iceberg, and he’s all like that. And people are running around going, “Ahh! We’re going in the water!” And he’s all smug then. And he’s going, “Don’t worry about it.” [audience laughing] “Oh no, not water.” [laughs] [audience laughing] Then he gets in the sea, and goes, “It’s very salty, innit? It’s very salty.” [audience laughing] [Gervais laughs] I’ll leave you with a true story. It’s still on the theme of “does the dog die?” When I was seven years old, my mum took me to the cinema to see a film called Old Yeller. Beautiful film. Yeah, made in the late ’50s. And sort of set in the Wild West on this homestead. And it’s about a… a kid who adopts this little junkyard dog. And he calls him Old Yeller, and they grow up together. And it’s a buddy movie. It’s a love story between this kid and his dog. Eventually, when the dog’s big, and, you know, he protects this kid in the wild, he fights a cougar, and a bear, and a wolf, or whatever. But towards the end of the film, the kid’s about 13, maybe, it takes a dark turn. I remember the kid sorta looking at Old Yeller who’s locked in the barn. And the mother’s suspicious, right? She goes, “Is Old Yeller all right?” “Yeah, he’s fine. He’s fine.” But the kid knows that he’s been bitten, right? And soon, Old Yeller starts foaming at the mouth and… [growls]…getting aggressive. And the mother turns up with a gun, and the kid goes, “No.” And she goes, “You know we’ve gotta do it.” He goes, “Yeah, but he’s my dog. I’ll do it.” And he shoots his own dog. And I was, like, in floods for like a year. Right? Anyway, fast-forward. A few years ago, I was on tour. I was on a train, and I get a text from Jane. She says, “Oh, I’m finally watching Old Yeller.” And I sent back, “Oh, enjoy.” Right? [audience laughing] I didn’t think, right? Twenty minutes later, I get a text. “Nothing happens to that dog, does it?” Oh, I couldn’t believe my fucking luck. I… [audience laughing] Oh, I thought she knew. So I sent back, “No, of course not.” [audience laughing] One hour later, I get a text, “You cunt!” [laughs] [audience laughing] [audience clapping] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Cheers. Thanks to everyone who bought a ticket. If you bought a platinum ticket, the money goes to an animal charity, and you’ve raised two million dollars so far. So thank you so much. [audience cheering and clapping] I even get a bit of stick about that on social media. There’s always someone who goes, “Oh, why do you only speak up for animals?” And I go, “Well, ’cause they haven’t got a voice of their own, except parrots.” Um, and that’s… I think that’s why we don’t eat parrots. Everyone around the world eats every other type of bird, don’t they? Everyone in the world eats fucking chickens, and ducks, and geese, and turkeys, and ostriches. No one eats parrots. Do you know why? If you go and try and eat a parrot, it goes, “Fuck off, you cunt.” [audience laughing] So speaking up really does work. Right? [audience cheers] And that has sort of been one of the themes of the show. ‘Cause I know, in the real world, in normal jobs and everyday life, you get in trouble. People tell you off for saying certain things, or thinking certain things, or even laughing at certain things, right? They say you’re bad for laughing at that. And some of you take it to heart. You go, “Oh my God. Am I a bad person?” No, you’re not. One, you can’t choose your sense of humor. You can’t. It’s involuntary. And two, that’s exactly what humor is for. To laugh at bad shit to get us through it. Right? And… Uh… [audience cheering and clapping] And we’ve established you can’t even choose your own thoughts. How often have you been on a train station and you’ve suddenly thought, “What if I just pushed that bloke?” And… [audience laughing] And then you go, “Why have I thought that?! Am I…” “Am I a psychopath?” No. You’re not. You’re the opposite. You’re a safe pair of hands. You’re testing yourself, you’re reminding yourself how terrible that’d be. You’re a good person, right? I don’t get that one. Um… What I get is, I’m talking to a really sweet old lady, and I suddenly start thinking, “What if I just spat in her face now?” Why would I… [audience laughing] [Gervais laughing] Another theme of the show has been, “words change, and I’m woke, ha-ha.” But here’s the irony. I think I am woke, but I think that word has changed. I think if woke still means what it used to mean, that you’re aware of your own privilege, you try and maximize equality, minimize oppression, be anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-homophobic… Yes, I’m definitely woke. If woke now means being a puritanical, authoritarian bully, who gets people fired for an honest opinion or even a fact, then, no, I’m not woke. Fuck that. [audience cheering] [man 5 yelling] But here’s the deal. To each their own. Laugh at whatever you find funny. All laughter’s good, and you’re amazing. Good night. [audience cheering and clapping] [cheering continues] [audience chattering] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-murphy-raw-transcript/ | Eddie Murphy: Raw (1987) – Transcript | eddie murphy | After achieving fame with Saturday Night Live and Beverly Hills Cop, Eddie Murphy released a film version of one of his live stand-up performances. He mainly focuses on the topics of divorce and relations between the sexes, but also goes into some of the problems he’s encountered because of fame, including offended listeners and fans who continually greet him with his unprintable catch phrases. – Show me that little dance you-all be doing.
– I told y’all to stop running in here.
Yes, ma’am. I’m gonna smack one of you now, you hear? Them pants cost $3.98, baby, you hear? See that chocolate cake I bought? The chocolate cake that was on the counter? – Yeah. – Well, check Cousin Cecil’s pockets. He probably got it in there with the turkey leg and the sweet potato pie. Hey, little brother. Show me that little dance y’all be doing. Get down, Lester, you is talking! You move like you’re 21 . That dance ain’t new. lt ain’t nothing but the old shuffle-butt. Well, show me that move. Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down. Can’t you see the kids are trying to put a show on there? Lester, she ain’t your mama. – Yeah. Yeah. – Junior! Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa. Come on, baby. Sing a song for Grandma. – That’s my granddaughter. – That’s my niece. Why do fools fall in love? Why do birds sing so gay? And lovers await the break of day. Why do they fall in love? Why does the rain fall from up above? Why do fools fall in love? Why do they fall in love? Mama, I got a joke. Little Eddie got a joke to tell. Go on, Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. I got a joke to tell. Once there was a lion and a monkey. The monkey said, “I can make the weather change.” And the lion said, “No, you can’t.” So the monkey started climbing up the tree. And then he started peeing on the lion’s head. “Now it’s raining!” Then he started farting. “Now there’s thunder!” Then he started doo-dooing. “Now it’s snowing!” So the lion said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I can make the stars come out.” And then he kicked him in the ding-ding. Thank you. I love that doo-doo line. That boy’s got talent. My favorite movie is Trading Places. – 48 Hrs. Has to be.
– Trading Places.
– Beverly Hills Cop.
– Delirious.
– Beverly Hills Cop.
– No, 48 Hrs.
– All of them.
– 48 Hrs.
– All of them.
– 48 Hrs.
I even liked Best Defense. I’m looking forward to seeing him in that leather suit.
– I’m telling you, that behind and all.
– Yeah, he’s looking sexy.
– He looks good.
– Handsome. Thank you. Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit. Cool out. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And hello, New York City! Thank you for coming out. Don’t let the lights and cameras throw y’all. We filming a movie here tonight and y’all gonna be in this shit. Except only I’m getting paid for the motherfucker. Every now and then I take a joke too far. That’s why I haven’t been on the road the last three years. Did y’all see Delirious? In Delirious, I was making fun out of a lot of entertainers too. That’s when I got scared. I did some jokes about Mr. T. And Mr. T was gonna fuck Ed up. He was… And I was scared, because y’all seen Mr. T. He don’t look like, you know, like he can’t fight. He looks like he can whip some ass, right? And I was petrified. I would walk at parties and people say: “Yo, man, Mr. T was just here looking for you.” He was walking up to people saying: “I’m gonna whip Eddie Murphy’s ass when I see him.” Then I watched his show, because I didn’t know him, to see what kind of guy he was, and the character on the show ain’t too bright. So I figured if he came up to me, I could use the Jedi mind trick on him. Mr. T walk up and go, “I heard you did some jokes about me.” “No, you didn’t.” “Maybe I didn’t.” “I’m gonna go beat up the fool that told me them lies.” I’d be at parties, hear he was looking for me, I would just leave. I don’t wanna fight Mr. T. Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me. I was like… When Mike… My manager called me up and said: “Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad.” I was like, “So?” You know, because I’d fuck Mike up. You know, Mike… Mike don’t weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know. I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking for him, but my manager said: “We don’t know everything about Michael. “He might be this bad motherfucker behind closed doors. “He’s a recluse. Behind closed doors, he might be completely different.” And I’d be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day and it’d be like this: “Can I talk to you for a minute? “Yeah, what’s your motherfucking problem, man? “Well, how come you keep fucking with me then, huh? “What’s all the motherfucking jokes? You don’t like my clothes? “I’m Michael-motherfucking-Jackson, I will bust your ass. “Get the fuck out, motherfucker… “I will moonwalk all up and down your ass, motherfucker. “You mind your motherfucking business. “I hear some more shit, I’m gonna put this glove up your ass. “I’ll see you later.” That’s a dumb… I could never… I’ve been trying for five months to do the moonwalk and I can’t do the shit. lt’s shitty. lt’s the dumbest dance ever, because I can’t do it, that’s why I say it’s stupid. But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance? Be at a party, say, “Hey, baby, come on, let’s dance. See you later.” Do the moonwalk. That’s some stupid shit. Michael can do that shit, though. Michael’s so famous, Michael went on TV and everything he says, the public believes. Went on television and said: “I don’t have sex because of my religious beliefs.” And the public believed it. I know brothers were like, “Get the fuck out of here.” And white people go, “That Michael’s a special kind of guy. “He’s special. I mean, he’s good, clean and wholesome.” You know how I knew y’all believed it? Y’all didn’t get mad when he took Brooke Shields to the Grammys. Nobody white said shit. And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America. Miss America every year is Brooke. Fuck who you see with the crown. You look up “white woman” in the dictionary, be a picture of Brooke like this: She’s white. And this n i g g e r took her to the Grammys, nobody said shit. lf I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys, y’all would lose your mind. Because y’all know Brooke would get fucked that night. And Brooke knew too. That’s why we going this year. No… Stop. Now, see? I did jokes about… I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals a couple years ago and faggots were mad. They were like… And they were… There’s nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you. I’d be at parties… There’s always two or three at a party. They’d be standing around looking at you, they’d be looking at… “He’s an asshole.” I can’t travel the country freely no more. I can’t go to San Francisco. They got 24-hour homo watch waiting for me in the airport. Soon as I got off the plane, they’d be like: “He’s here, yes. Yes, it’s him. Yes, it’s him!” And the cars would come rushing across town. It’d be: And it won’t be no siren, it’ll be a real fag sitting on the roof going: “Pull over. Pull over. “Pull over. I’m gonna read him his rights. “You have the right to remain silent. “Anything you say can and will be held against you. “You have the right to an attorney. Turn around. I’m gonna frisk you. “You carrying any concealed weapons? “Are you carrying…? What is this? What is this? “Lay down on the floor and spread them.” Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show? – Yeah! I do too. I love Bill Cosby’s show. I been a big fan of Bill Cosby all my life. Never met the man before, but he called me up about a year ago and chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on-stage. It was real weird, because I had never met him and he just thought it was… He should call me up, because he was Bill, and tell me that he did… About what comedy is all about. And I sat and listened to this man chastise me. And when Bill Cosby chastises you, you forget you grown. You feel like one of the Cosby kids and shit. And I ran in the house all excited to talk to Bill and picked up the telephone and Bill got raw on me. I was like, “Hello, Mr. Cosby?” And you hear: “I would like to talk to you… “…about some of the things that you do in your show. “Now, I’m going to tell you a story.” He always tells you stories. “I would like to tell you a story. I have five children. “One, two, three, four, five. Five… Five children. “I live in Massachusetts with my wife, Camille, and my five children. “Now, of the five children that we have, there are four girls and a boy. “The boy’s name is Ennis. He loves everything you do. “Comes home from school the other day “with a big smile on his face. And my son looks just like me. “He walks through the door, looking at me with this big smile, “and I cannot resist, because it’s such a beautiful smile. “And he walks up and I say, ‘What are you smiling about?’ “And the child says to me: ‘I’m smiling because I need money to go see the Eddie Murphy show. ‘Please give me money for a ticket.’ “Now, if the child is smiling this way because he needs money for a ticket, “I have to give him money for a ticket. “I do not handle the money in the house. “My wife, Camille, handles the ticket money. “So I must go into the kitchen, “to where my wife is cooking dinner for the family. “And she is inside the kitchen cooking. “And she’s got a bowl. “And she’s cooking up the food, man. She’s cooking it up. “And the child walks in the room with the smile “and he says, ‘Mother, please, money.’ “She gives him the money, he runs off to see your show. “Now, we sit in the living room waiting for Ennis to return. “At about 5:00 in the morning, the child comes through the door. “He has a different look on his face. “A look like he heard something at your show that he’s never heard before. “And I say to my child, I say, ‘Child…’ “I say, ‘What did the man say on the stage?’ “And he says, ‘Pop, the man comes out and says these things.’ “I say, ‘Well, what did he say?’ ‘Pop, he comes out and says some stuff.’ “I say, ‘What did he do?’ ‘Pop, he walks out and he goes: “Hello, suck this, and MF and kiss my big black stuff. “And suck it and stick it down in your mouth and suck it, suck it.”‘ “You cannot say filth, flarn, filth, flarn, filth in front of people.” And I say, “I never said no ‘filth, flarn, filth’.” “You know what I’m talking about. “I can’t use the type of language that you use, “but you know what I mean when I say ‘filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth’.” I say, “I never said ‘filth, flarn, filth’. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m offended you called. Fuck you.” That’s when Bill got pissed and said: “That’s what I’m talking about. You cannot say ‘fuck’… “…in front of people.” And I got mad. Because he thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, “motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. “Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.” I was pissed off. I was so mad I called Richard Pryor‘s house up. I said, “Yo, Richard, Bill Cosby just called me up “and told me I was too dirty.” Richard said: “The next time motherfucker call, tell him I said, ‘Suck my dick.’ “I don’t give a fuck. “Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit.” He said, “Do people laugh when you say what you say?” I said, “Yes.” “Do you get paid?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Well, tell Bill I said: ‘Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.’ “The Jell-O pudding-eating motherfucker.” Richard… Richard is the rawest motherfucker in show business. Richard’s the one that made me wanna do comedy. When I was little, I wanted to be Richard Pryor so bad I used to… Remember, you’d sneak in the basement, put his albums on, and your mother ain’t supposed to hear, and you’re listening to this shit and I turned it… I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used to go out on-stage when I was 15 and talk and act and walk and do everything like Richard. My mother would sit there and watch her 15-year-old son on-stage saying some outlandish shit. My whole act back then was about taking a shit, because that’s all I had done at 15. That was my life experience, but it sounded like Pryor jokes. I’d be going, [imitating Richard Pryor]
You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye shit, that water splash up on yo’ ass? Don’t that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the shit is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do shit be teasin’ yo’ ass? Just get the fuck out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo’ ass don’ cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the shit in half? You be mad like a motherfucker too coz you gotta whip yo’ ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o’ toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin’ for a long time and one lil’ pebble shit comes out? Y’ want some shit this big right? Stick yo’ head up your ass and say: That all the shit I’m gonn’ get mothafocka? And it’s afterwards right, when you done with shit, you done all the shittin’ you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back… WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT? That was my act. My mother sit there shocked. If you don’t speak English, you can’t hear that bit. All you hear is “shit, ass, shit, shit.” I got a lot of foreigners that come over. People from other countries have seen my films and come over to the U.S., because New York is a tourist place, and they get HBO and they catch Delirious and they can’t speak English and try to do my act and all they got is the curses. I got foreigners from all over walking up, going: “Eddie Murphy! Fuck you! “Fuck you, Eddie. “I know you. I see you on television. “You’re the ‘fuck you’ man, right? “I love it. Suck my dick, huh? “Suck it, you black motherfucker. “I love it. The best motherfucker. The ‘fuck you’ man.” Made me stay in the house, man. Almost got married last year. Don’t you “ooh” and “aah”. Got to get married in the ’80s. I read the papers. I said, “Fuck this, I’m getting out.” Hey, you know, read. You can catch some shit. You can’t just keep messing around like you used to. Eventually, your dick will fall off. Remember…? Remember, like, VD in the ’60s? That shit don’t just sting no more. Every time they cure something, it come back stronger. VD is new and improved now. They got dudes in the doctor’s office with symptoms like, “Excuse me, doc, “what does it mean when you go to the bathroom “and fire shoot out your dick?” “Let me get this right. So you’re getting a burning sensation “when you urinate?” “No, fire shoot out my dick, is all. “A burst of flame fly out my dick when I pee. “I can’t even pee in the house, I burn my house down. I gotta go outside. “I was outside peeing, dude tried to mug me, “I turned around and burned him up on the street. “Because my dick is a blowtorch, is what I’m trying to say.” Got to be careful. They say having casual sex nowadays is like playing Russian roulette. And I know I’ve thrown my dick on the crap table many a night. Looking for Miss Right, you be gambling every time. You gambling with your dick, saying, “Come on, need a woman with a mind. “Come on, now. I need somebody perfect for me. Give it to me, now! “Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch. No, give me my dick back. No. “I’m gonna keep rolling. I got one more roll in me. “I want the perfect woman, now. I want somebody with a mind, “intelligence, a nice ass and a body. Give it to me, now! “Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch. No, give my dick back. “Give my dick back. Now, listen, be quiet. “I’m gonna keep rolling. This is my last roll. “This is the last one. This is the one for me. “Miss Right. Blow on this for luck. “This is my last roll. Come on. Here we go. “Give it to me, now! Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out. “My dick is fucked up. My dick is ruined.” So be careful. Get married. I went out and found the perfect woman. Nineteen years old. Beautiful face. A virgin. Nobody ever fucked her. And had an ass like this: And her legs are like: Her titties are like: She was so fine. She’s one of the people that’s so fine, when you see them, they make you ugly. You be like, “Goddamn, who is that motherfucker?” She was fine. I went, I cut all my girls off. I said, “That’s it, I’m getting married. This is it. Gonna be me and her.” I was so happy. And I went out and I went shopping. And I was waiting on the line and I saw the Enquirer magazine while I was waiting on the line and I saw Johnny Carson on the front page. There was a picture of him like this: Then I said, “What’s up with Johnny?” I turned to the inside story and his wife was on the other page and she was like this: And over her head it said, “Johnny’s wife wants half Johnny’s money.” I turned that shit back to Johnny. Then I started thinking about it. Half. If you… If you have $5 and have to give somebody $2.50, you’d be upset. Johnny had to have at least 300 million. And have to give up $150 million? And they wasn’t even married but ten years. And $150 million? Get… Give me a fucking break. What…? What…? And ladies… Now, here’s a woman right here saying, “Right on.” Baby, that’s not fair. Not no 150 million. I see a lot of you ladies going: “Get all the money you can, shit. I’m glad she did get all that money. “She earned it. She earned it. That… You damn right. “She was married to him, she deserved that money.” Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit. No. Stop it. No, don’t get me wrong. If you marry somebody and neither one of you have anything and you build 300 million together, you deserve half. But Johnny was 300 million in when they met. And I’m quite sure she knew. Johnny says, “Hey, I’m Johnny.” She was like, “I know who you are, motherfucker.” And they got married, broke up, shit didn’t work out. And then he had to give her $150 million of his money. I know a lot of housewives sitting out there going: “You can’t put a price on what I do.” But, ladies, if you marry a man with $300 million, you ain’t no regular housewife. You ain’t got to clean the house no more. You get a maid. You ain’t cleaning shit! You marry a man with $300 million, you ain’t cooking. You’re eating out. You marry… You know how a lot of housewives gotta get jobs on the side to help make ends meet? He got 300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker. What you gonna do, get a job at a boutique on the weekends and shit? And say, “Here, Johnny. I made $70, put that with the rest. “Now we have $300 million and 70. “Because I want to do my share.” No. All you have to do, you marry a man with $300 million, is fuck your husband. That’s it! That’s your job. Fuck your husband! That’s it. That’s… Just fuck your husband. You fill out a W-2, they say, “What you do?” You say, “I fuck my husband.” That’s it. And I’ve had my share of pussy. I have yet… Even if the pussy was great and sparks shot out the woman’s ass and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled and the seas roared, no pussy is worth $150 million! No pussy. I’d like to meet some pussy like that. Put the shit on layaway. That shit scared the shit out of me. Half? I was petrified. Man, you know what’s real scary is that American women in the ’80s have become very business-conscious. Y’all the most resourceful and the most business-smart women on the planet. Now, in the ’80s. And it would be an asset to us, as American men, if you weren’t so vindictive. Because the two don’t match. Then, what’s really fucked up, is y’all the most loving people. American women are all off into this romance and they genuinely fall in love with you. Now, love and money do not mix. The shit don’t mix. Especially if you got a business-smart woman… You go up and say, “I never met anybody like you before.” “I never met anyone like you.” “Why don’t we be together.” “Will you marry me?” “I thought you’d never ask.” “Before we get married, why don’t you sign this prenuptial agreement.” “What do you mean, a prenuptial agreement?” “That’s a contract that stipulates if we ever break up, “you take what you had and I take what I had.” “First of all, I don’t give a fuck who you are and what you have, OK? “You got a lot of motherfucking nerve by asking me to sign a contract. “There’s nothing a man can do for me that I can’t do for myself. “You got a whole lot of… I love you. “Telling me to sign a contract to show that I love you? “If I need something, I can go to my family. My family takes care of me.” And men hear all that shit and we be like this, “OK. “We don’t need no contract.” And you don’t get a contract and get married without one and the shit don’t work out and you break up a year later. She’s sitting around in the kitchen by herself, mad, trying to figure out a way to get even with your ass. “I can’t believe that motherfucker did this to me! “After all the shit I did… “All the things I did for that motherfucker, he do this to me? “Him and his fat bitch can kiss my ass! “I don’t give a shit about either one of them. “I don’t want shit from him or her and I don’t care. “You know something? You know what I should…? You know…? “Half! “I’ll take half his shit!” And they’ll get it. They’ll get half your money, your house, your car, alimony, child support and your children. You will be on the cover of the Enquirer like this: So be careful! I started having nightmares. I was waking up in the middle of the night like this: “Half!” Because I’m into American women. I like American women. I got a friend got a Japanese girlfriend. And Japanese women are the most docile women on the planet. They’re real… They’re real timid, timid, timid, timid women. I walked in the house and his friend, Japanese girl, bowed to me when I walked in. I said, “What’s wrong with your wife’s back and shit?” He said, “That’s a Japanese thing. They bow.” And I was like, “Miss, did you decorate the house?” She looked at her husband, he did like this: “You may speak.” And she spoke. And I was like, “Now, that’s pussy control for you, there.” You know, because I’m used to American women saying: “You don’t own me.” “Hey, baby, where you going?” “Excuse me?” “I said, where you going?” “You don’t own me.” “You my woman, ain’t you?” “I don’t see no rings on these fingers. “Are you gonna put a ring on this finger? “Well, I…” “Then you don’t own me then, OK? “I don’t give a fuck who you are or what you have, OK? “You got a whole lot of nerve, come and ask me where I’m going. “I don’t answer to my father, I ain’t gonna answer to no man. “Ain’t no man gonna tell me where I can go. “Who do you think you are? “To come and ask me where I’m going? Nobody owns me. “I own myself. I am my own person.” And we hear all that shit, then be, “OK.” “Well, where you gonna be?” “I’m gonna be where I’m at! “You don’t own me!” Well, you don’t. You don’t own your woman. “You gonna put a ring on my finger?” That shuts you right up. You say, “OK.” I know you spend a lot of your money on your woman. And I know you go to the movies and you go to get the ice cream and the candy and the flowers and the anklets and the bracelets and help her get some clothes. You spending all your money on shit you ain’t never spent it on. But you don’t own her. Because theoretically, that pussy’s on lease. You’re leasing the pussy. With an option to buy. But be careful, because you lose half on the trade-in. You got to be careful. You gotta have a J-O-B in the ’80s. You gotta have some money, you can’t get no pussy. Listen to the radio. That’s what it’s about. Listen to Madonna. “I’m a material girl in a material world, “you ain’t got no money, you can’t have no pussy.” There’s a song out now called “Got to Have a J-O-B If You Wanna Be With Me.” And the lyrics go, “Ain’t nothing going on but the rent.” Like if you went up and said: “Hey, baby, what’s going on?” “The rent, motherfucker.” “You have a job?” “Well, I…” “Then get the fuck out my face.” Got to have some money. It says, “No romance without finance.” And women love them songs. They be going: Got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me. Janet Jackson got a hit record: “What Have You Done For Me Lately”. That’s what they thinking. “What have you done for me lately?” The record start off like that. “I know he used to do shit for you, but what has he done for you lately?” “Baby, I love you.” “What have you done for me lately?” “You the only thing on my mind.” “What have you done for me lately?” “We make good love.” “What have you done for me lately?” Got to have some money to get some pussy in the ’80s. It’s fucked up, that’s why I say, hey, I’m a target. If I ever get married, I have to go off to the woods of Africa and find me some crazy, naked, zebra bitch… …that knows nothing about money. She got to be butt naked on a zebra with a big bone in her nose and a big plate lip and a big, fucked-up Afro! Her Afro… Afro gotta… Like, Angela Davis see it and go: “Goddamn, that’s some fucked-up shit.” Afro gotta be fucked up and one of them picks with a fist in the back. And she gotta be butt naked, because if she got clothes, she gonna have to put something in the pockets. She’s gotta be butt naked on the zebra. And y’all think it’s a joke. I’m gonna walk up and say, “Hey, how you doing? My name’s…” And she go: I say, “Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy.” And I’m gonna bring her home. Y’all gonna go past a newsstand one day and see me on the cover of JE with some woman with a big bone and a plate and a big, fucked-up Afro, butt naked, and y’all gonna say, “Eddie must be visiting Africa.” It’ll say, “Murphy Marries Bush Bitch.” I’m gonna be like: What? What? Because I ain’t getting caught. I refuse to get caught out there. Fuck that. And I’m gonna bring her home and lock her up in the house. You go off to Africa and get you a bush woman, you can’t let her mingle with American women. Because they’ll change her shit up. American women stick together. Last thing they wanna see is you got some trained bush bitch in your house. They will catch her by herself in the kitchen and throw a monkey wrench in your whole program. They get her alone, they be like, “I can’t stand the way you be “doing everything he tell you to do. You a human being. “This house is too big for one person to clean. Why don’t you leave? “You always crying. Just leave him. You know something? “Do you know you could take half his money? Did you know that? “He didn’t tell you you were entitled to half? “He only told you half the story. “You can take half the money, the car, the house, the children. “You can buy all the zebras and bones you want. “Go back home in style, girl. And get your hair done right. “Cut that Afro off, go back home in style. Who the hell he think he is? “Let me tell you about Eddie Murphy. “That motherfucker ain’t nothing but… Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing? “Oh, I didn’t know you was here. You scared me. “No, I can’t stay. I was just talking to Uhmfufu about a couple of things. “No, no, no, I got to go. I got to… You two… Y’all two lovebirds talk. “Eddie, talk to your… Talk to Uhmfufu. “Y’all got a lot to talk about. Go on, Eddie. Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu…” And leave me in the kitchen with some bush bitch with an attitude. “Eddie! “Eddie! “I want to talk to you!” “What’s your problem, baby?” “I don’t like the way you treat me, Eddie. “You treat me like animal.” “You was butt naked on a zebra last month.” “I don’t care, Eddie. I am American woman now. “I want what’s coming to me. “Eddie, what have you done for me lately?” “I want you to be happy. Well, what you want?” “Half! “Give me half, Eddie. Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man. “Suck my dick, Eddie. “You motherfucker.” Then I’d be on the front page of the African Enquirer like this: So be careful. Don’t get caught in a trap. Any woman can get any man she wants if she puts her mind and pussy to it. They can have you. They have figured us out. We’re very easy creatures to figure out. And women know all they have to do is cater to our egos enough and they can have you. Guys, how many times have you fucked some ugly bitch that just kept hanging around and you had to fuck her? And then afterwards you be like this, “I can’t believe I fucked this bitch.” They just cater to your ego. Sometimes you’ll see a real ugly bitch with a handsome dude. You say, “How that happen?” Dude’s going, “Yeah, how that happen?” Because she catered to his ego. They can figure us out. Guys, don’t get trapped. We’ll call them “pussy traps”. Let’s call them pussy traps. It’s a trap. They trap you with the pussy. They catch you with the pussy, see. And it’s a trap. The most common trap is to not give you any, though. Don’t think, “Maybe you’re gonna put a trap on.” The most common is when you ain’t getting any at all, that’s the trap. When you meet a woman and everything is perfect and she won’t do anything, it’s a trap. Sometimes it backfires, because a lot of women play these games with sex. And ladies like sex just as much as we do, guys, but they act like they don’t. But they do. There’s not a woman… There’s not a woman in this room that wouldn’t rather be somewhere else with a nice stiff one in them. Don’t you let them fool you. They like it just as much as us. See, ladies sitting there going: “That’s true. “He’s funny, but he’s not that funny. “I’ll take a dick over a smile any day. Yes, I will.” They like it just as much as us, but they play these games. Know where it backfires on you, ladies? When you go meet a guy, he wants you, you want him, you like each other, everything is perfect, but you won’t do anything. He say, “Let’s go.” You say, “No, I’m not gonna do it.” And after that, he don’t like you no more. But he still wants to fuck you. So he waits. He be like, “Okay, I’ll wait. “Goodnight.” And you wait. You wait three months. Then you finally get it and she’s like this, “I’m yours.” And you go, “Fuck you, bitch!” “Fuck you and your pussy. Get the fuck out of my face.” Be careful. Don’t get trapped. The most common trap is to not give you any. Let me hear the men clap that are with women that you’ve never slept with before. Let me hear you clap, truthfully. Look at the ladies going, “Stop clapping.” Shame on you. You should’ve fucked them. Clap. Clap louder. Shame on you. Y’all should’ve fucked them. These men like you and you just won’t do it, because you’re trying to trap… Guys, don’t be hurt. She likes you. This is what is going on inside your house every night. “Baby, come on, now, please.” She go, “No, stop it. Stop it. Stop.” “Baby, come on. Would you stop?” “Oh, stop. Can we please stop? “Are we gonna go too far?” “I want it to go too far. Come on now, baby.” “We could… Stop. I just don’t think the time is right.” “Well, my dick don’t get much harder than this. “I been waiting three months. What’s the problem?” “I don’t wanna fuck. I wanna make love. “I’ve had too many relationships that didn’t work out. You’re special to me. “I know all the girls do everything that you want. “And I don’t wanna go through… Why are you doing this…?” And men see those tears and we be, “OK. “We don’t have to do nothing.” Then you go out and your friends be, “Yo, man, you fuck her yet?” “No.” “Why not?” “She’s special. “She said she don’t wanna fuck, she wanna make love.” Which is bullshit. I mean, fucking and making love, let’s be real. I mean, the physical act… I like to fuck somebody I’m in love with. But I ain’t making love to nobody. I get into bed… I get into bed… I get into bed… When you get into bed, would you rather have somebody say: “Oh, make love to me” or grab the back of your head and say, “Fuck the shit out of me. “You motherfucker. “Just fuck, mother… Fuck me, goddamn it.” You want somebody in the bed with you: “Oh, darling, I want to make love to you.” That type of shit. “You a motherfucker…” I’m a realist. But they’ll tell you, “I don’t wanna fuck, I wanna make love.” And they make you wait. And you wait and wait and wait and wait. And you just keep on waiting, you just wait and finally she gives you some. And it’s the best you ever had in your life. You come harder than you’ve ever came. “This was it. This was the feeling I’ve been searching for. I finally made love.” You didn’t make love. lt just felt real good. You know why? Because you waited five months for it. If you’re starving and somebody throw you a cracker, you gonna be like this: “Goddamn, that’s the best cracker I ever ate in my life! “That ain’t no regular cracker, was it? What was that, a Saltine? “Goddamn, that was delicious. “That wasn’t no Saltine. That was… That was a Ritz. That wasn’t a Ritz? “God, that was the best cracker I ever ate in my life. “Can I have another one, please? Please, one more.” Then you get married, because you think you’ve found the bomb. Have the same crackers every day for a year. And you roll over one day and be like: “Hey, I just got some regular old crackers.” Try to leave? Half! So be careful. Marry someone that’s not gonna fool around on you. Which would be hard to do in the ’80s, because everybody’s fucking each other nowadays. It’s like Fuckfest ’87. Everybody… Everybody is fucking and it really… It’s getting bad. Let me hear the women clap that are loyal to their men, truthfully. Let me hear you clap. OK, now, let me hear… Let me hear the women clap that have men that are loyal to them, truthfully. Yeah, I see. Y’all some disillusioned ladies clapping right now. Let me hear the men clap. Let me hear the men clap that are loyal to their women. Stop. You lying motherfuckers, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass. Fuck, there ain’t no such thing as a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers. Stop it. Yeah, the only reason you’re clapping is because your woman’s sitting next to you right now when I asked you. When I asked the question, she looked at you like this: “You gonna put your hands together? “You better stomp your feet and light a match for this pussy, goddamn it. “Stand up and clap. Stand your ass up and clap.” “She’s number one!” Get the fuck out. No such thing as a loyal man. Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps and they’ll have you believing it. No loyal men. All men fuck other women. We are low by nature and have to do it. We are men. All men do it. We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing. Men must find and conquer as much pussy as they can get. Do not think for two seconds that you are the only one your man is fucking. He is a man and has to conquer women. I see a lot of you good women sitting out there going: “Not my man.” Yes, your man too. Your man too. If he’s not here with you tonight, he fucking somebody. Because he is a man. lt has nothing to do with you. You can have the best pussy in the world. There can be a cape hanging out your pussy with a big S on it. Your man’s still gonna go fuck somebody else, because he is a man. It is a dick thing. Do not try to understand it. You have to have a dick to understand this. We are men. I know a lot of guys sitting out there right now like this too: “Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man! “I ain’t spent all my money for this, motherfucker!” You gonna be driving home tonight with your wife in the car like this: “You don’t really be fooling around like Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?” “No, baby. That’s just jokes. “That Ed sure is funny, ain’t he? “Why don’t we change the subject. Let’s talk about something different. “I don’t wanna talk about this stuff.” “I do wanna talk about this stuff. “Why does he have to lie to me? I think he was telling the truth. “If you fooled around, I would be so hurt and disgusted, I would wait “until you went to sleep, I would come inside the room and kill you.” – Thanks, Eddie! – We love you! “Yeah, that Ed sure is funny. “I ain’t got to worry. As much as I love you, “I wouldn’t fool around. Let’s talk about the Richard Pryor.” “I don’t wanna talk about the Richard Pryor. “I wanna talk about this, because if you fooled around, “I would be so hurt, you know what I would do?” “What would you do, baby, take half?” “No, I’d wait till you went to sleep “and I’d come inside the room and cut your dick off.” “Don’t be talking about cutting off my dick.” “Well, you don’t be putting your dick in nobody else, then.” “Well, I don’t play that shit. You cut off my dick, you better run, goddamn it. “Stop making them dick threats.” The woman’s favorite… Y’all always make… The woman’s favorite threat is, “I’ll do something to your dick.” “If a man do this, I kick him in his nuts. A man put his hands… “Don’t you put your hands on me, I’m gonna kick you where it hurts.” Dick threats. Y’all don’t realize how sensitive nuts are, do you? Men don’t like to hear a threat like that. You hear somebody: “I’ll kick you in the nuts.” It make you wince, be like: “Change the subject, please.” You don’t have to kick no nuts to hurt nobody. You could just graze nuts. And the man would be fucked up. And that pain is worse, because it don’t set in for, like, ten seconds. You be wondering if it’s gonna hurt. You say, “I wonder, did that hit my nuts, just…?” There’s no getting around it. “I’ll kick you in your nuts.” You don’t have to kick. You could just graze it. Y’all do that… You ever have a woman play-fight with you? Your man get serious when they threaten your dick. You be, “Hey, baby, come on.” And she go: You say, “Hey, hey, hey. “I think playtime is over. “Getting a little crazy.” That’s why men don’t like to handle babies. Them little babies with them high-top white shoes on with the real hard bottoms. When they about 1 years old, you pick them up and their leg muscles be strong and they stomp you in the nuts with both feet. And both of y’all be dribbling. You be like: And their mother think you talking baby talk. “Oh, that’s so cute, the way they talking.” “Yeah, go to your mother, please.” “What’s the matter, he stink?” “No, I’m about to throw this motherfucker someplace. “Get a little older, I’m gonna kick you in your nuts, see how you like it.” “I kick him in his nuts.” Always talking about kicking somebody in the nuts. You know what, ladies? I had a woman ask me the other day: “You know why I say my thing? I wanna know why all men fool around. “Why, why, why? I do everything my man wants me to do “and he still fools around. Why? I cook, I clean, I fuck. “I come and go as he says. Why, why, why?” Then you call up your girlfriends and go, “Why?” She go, “I don’t know. My man ain’t home.” “Why?” Then you call up your mother and say, “Mama, why?” She go, “I don’t know, your father ain’t home.” “Why? Why?” I’ll tell you why all men fool around. – Why? – Hear the ladies go, “Why?” Men fool around because of this. Look at all the women in the audience right now looking up here like this: We fool around because we figured women out. We did. See, a lot of you ladies going: “What does he mean, he figured us out?” And dumb n i g g a s going, “Yeah, what does he mean, we figured them out?” We figured you out in this sense, and this is true. Anybody’s ever done this will agree with what I’m saying. Any woman that’s ever had this done to her will agree what I’m gonna say. Those of you who’ve never done this will go, “I disagree.” But once you make a woman come real hard, once you make a woman say: No matter how bad you fuck up, no matter what you do wrong, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, as long as you say: “I’m sorry,” she will listen to your story. And that’s the truth. That’s the God’s honest truth. lt is the truth. Stop it. lt’s the truth. lt is the truth. And, ladies, as soon as y’all make that noise, your relationship will change with your man. Because we know. We wait on that noise. We waiting on it. Because we know we can act different as soon as you go: We know we can act the fool then. Remember when your man couldn’t make it, he would call? No more of that shit. He heard you go: Remember he wanted to spend all his free time with you? No more of that. You made that noise. Your man can act crazy. We know as soon as you go: Our face is in the pillow like this, “I got this motherfucker now, boy.” Then you start talking to her: “Whose pussy is this? Whose pussy is this?” “Oh, it’s your pussy! lt’s your pussy!” And your relationship changes from that moment. The woman be sitting on the bed, legs shaking: “Oh, my God. Oh, I can’t believe it. “I never came like that before. I can’t believe it.” And their man get real cold, saying shit like: “Why don’t you shake your ass home.” “What are you talking about? Why are you treating me like this? “We have a relationship.” “You don’t own me.” “What do you mean? We have a relationship. “I thought that we go together.” “I don’t see no rings on your finger.” “But I love you!” “Well, what have you done for me lately?” And y’all put up with it. Y’all start putting up with all kinds of crazy shit. I guess it’s hard to find somebody that knows how to do it to you right, because when y’all find one, y’all stick through that man through all kinds of bullshit. I know a man got busted coming out of another woman’s house. Show you how far a woman will stoop. He got busted coming out of another woman’s house. His woman saw him come out, knew that the woman lived there and didn’t say shit. Wait till they got home and said: “What the hell was you doing in that bitch’s house?” You know what the man said? “Wasn’t me.” “I looked right in your face!” “Wasn’t me.” “Well, I’m supposed to be a fool, right?” “Hey. “Wasn’t me.” You know what the woman said? “Maybe it wasn’t you.” I got a friend got busted in his house, in his bed, where him and his wife sleep, with another woman, fucking! His wife walked inside the house, opened up the bedroom door, saw her man in her bed with another woman, fucking. She walks in: The man jumped up, saw his woman standing there. She ran down the hallway. Chased his woman down the hallway butt naked with a rock-hard dick, talking about, “I’m sorry.” This sound like a tragedy, right? No, it was like this: “Baby, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. “Baby, look. Whoa, hold on. Wait, we got to talk. “Baby, I am sorry.” “No, you’re not sorry. “I can’t believe you did this. You have no respect for me. “Get the fuck… Don’t you fucking touch me.” “Wait, baby, I am sorry. Wait a second.” “No, if you’re sorry, you wouldn’t have fucked her!” And then you change the shit around. Right, guys? “OK, wait a minute! “Wait one second, goddamn it! “Yes, I fucked her, yes. “ls that what you want me to say? I fucked her? I fucked her. “We fucked, all right? You happy now? We fucked! “Now, let’s talk about the word ‘fuck’ for a minute. “Because that’s a very important word here. Fuck, yes, we did. “Fuck. I fucked her. “I make love to you. “And if you gonna let a fuck come between our love, “there’s something really wrong happening here, baby.” Bullshit. That’s the only reason why it works. Now, guys, I see a lot of y’all feeling real macho, because you may have heard your woman make that noise and you think you are in control of your shit. But I told you a half-hour ago, women are vindictive. Don’t you think for two seconds that if you keep breaking this woman’s heart, your sweet, innocent, little, sweet, loving, darling woman, she eventually will go out and fuck someone else. Don’t think she won’t. Don’t think she won’t. Look, all the men’s faces, they’re like this now: And men don’t like to picture their woman fucking nobody. That’s taboo. Watch the guy’s faces. Ladies, look at them. Guys, picture your woman fucking your best friend. Look at them, they’re: Hey, your woman is like this: I gotta tell you, be careful. And women ain’t like us. It’s not their nature to fool around. Like, we’ll go out and sneak out to the hotel and have to wash your dick in the sink and all that shit. Women gonna do it classy. They don’t fuck around like us. It’s like, “Hey, I don’t do this often, I’m gonna do it right.” Know when your woman’s gonna fool around? You keep messing her over, eventually she says shit like this: “You know, I think I’m gonna go to the Bahamas by myself for the weekend.” And you say, “You want me to go with you?” She goes, “No, just me and my girlfriends are going. “Just me and my friends.” And we so stupid, we start thinking about all the pussy we can get while she gone. “You gonna go by yourself?” “Yes.” “OK.” And send your woman off to the romantic Bahamas by herself? By herself to the Bahamas? She’s walking on the beach, she laid out all day and got a tan, your woman is fine and got her body looking right, she’s walking on the beach, crying, in the Bahamas. Lovers on the beach making love. She’s all by herself, walking along, feeling sad, thinking about you and everybody’s real romantic. The motion of the ocean is shimmying off… The moon is shimmying off the ocean. Your woman’s standing, looking at it and crying. And all of a sudden, a dude named Dexter walks up. Dexter St. Jock. He walk up swinging his dick. Then he do that smooth Bahamas shit on your woman. “What a beautiful girl like you doing by herself on the island of love? “This is the island for lovers. “You should be being held right now, girl. “What you crying about?” “I’m having some problems with my boyfriend, “so I came down here to think it over.” “Tell me what hotel your man’s staying. “I tell him that you treat a woman like you like a princess. “If you were my woman, I make love to you constantly. “What hotel this man staying in?” “Well, he’s back in New York.” “Is that right? “Well, listen, girl. Won’t you come back around my place? “We sit down and talk it over.” “All we gonna do is talk?” He take your woman to his house and roll one of them big-ass Bahama joints. Shit this big and shit. Put some of that Bob Marley music on. And y’all know Bob be preaching this shit: Don’t let him fool you Oh, no Or even try to school you Oh, yeah Could this be love? And be loved Dick swinging. Next thing you know, Dexter is fucking your woman. Well. Send your woman home floating on air. Walk through the door like this: I shot the sheriff We so stupid, we think it was the weather. We be going: “Hey, baby, you need to get away more often.” And she be like this: And never tell you. lt’s her little secret. All women have a skeleton in the closet. All women have done something that only them and another person knows about. All women have one skeleton. Even the little, sweet, innocent ones have something that only them and another person knows about. All women. Don’t be… Look at the guys, looking at their women again like this: “You got skeletons in your closet? “I thought I seen a bone in your shoe. Whose skeleton was that?” Don’t be fooled. They all have a skeleton in their closet. Some of them got cemeteries in their closet and shit. You open the door and ravens and shit fly out of the closet. So be careful. Be careful. Get somebody you gonna be with forever. Find somebody perfect for you. I’m not saying they’re perfect people. I’m saying we ain’t perfect. Find somebody just as fucked up as you are and settle down. That’s what you gotta do. If I ever get married, I got to marry somebody with personality. For instance, I hate those quiet, salad-eating bitches, those real quiet ones, you know. The kind of women, you take them out to dinner, you say: “Hey, what you wanna eat?” They go, “I’ll just have a salad.” And you hear their stomach going: “I don’t know why my stomach is making that noise.” “Because you’re hungry, bitch.” “Why don’t you have something to eat?” “No, no, no. I’m fine, I’m fine. I’ll just have a salad.” “What you want to drink?” “Water.” “What movie you wanna see after you finish eating?” “Whatever you wanna see is OK with me. “As long as it’s a PG. I hate scary movies.” “This is my friend Bob and Karen.” “Hi.” “What’s your problem?” “I’m just a little shy.” Get your shy ass away from me. I hate those shy bitches. They make me sick to my mother… I hate shy… You know, those shy women, those are usually the ones that have the most skeletons in their closet. That’s why they shy now. Because they been raising hell all their life, now they shy. Think about it. All them shy women that you meet, they never from the town you meet them in. They always from somewhere else. Then they come to your town and get shy. Get the fuck out of here. They afraid to talk, because they think a bone is gonna fly out their mouth or some shit. “Hi. “So many skeletons.” I hate shy women. I like extroverts, I like women with a sense of humor. I like funny girls, funny women. But you gotta be good-looking too. I don’t wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch and shit. I’d have me in the bed going: “Hey, baby, can you tell me some more jokes, please?” Gotta be a good cook. I didn’t realize my mother was a good cook till after I moved out. When you’re a child, if your mother doesn’t take you to McDonald’s, you don’t think she can cook. I had one of those mothers, no matter what you want, she has the ingredients at home. You say, “Ma, I wanna stop and get some McDonald’s.” And she go, “I got hamburger meat at home.” “But I want McDonald’s hamburger.” “I’ll make you a hamburger better than McDonald’s.” “You cook better than McDonald’s?” “That’s right. You can help Mama make it.” You say, “Shit, that’s better than McDonald’s.” Your mother say, “OK, go get me the big frying pan.” So you hand her the frying pan and she say: “I want you to go in the refrigerator and get the meat and while you in there, get me a green pepper and a onion.” And you say: “Ain’t no green peppers at McDonald’s.” “I’m not making McDonald’s, I’m making Mama’s burger. “I need a green pepper and an onion and get me an egg out too.” “What you need eggs for? “I want hamburgers. “You making Egg McMuffins.” “I’m not making an Egg McMuffin. I don’t know what no Egg McMuffin is. Just get me the egg and shut your mouth.” She take the egg and the green peppers and chop the peppers up in big chunks. Don’t even dice it. Big chunks of green peppers and onion and mix the egg in and put paprika and all this shit in it and make a big meatball and put it in the middle of this frying pan. At McDonald’s, the meat is this thin. Your mother’s shit is like this or fatter. Green peppers hanging out of it and shit. And there’s a big split in the middle and grease is popping out. You’re looking at it while it’s popping. You’re looking at the grease in the pan and thinking: “That don’t look like no McDonald’s.” Then your mother say, “Go inside the refrigerator and get me the bread out of the bread box.” And you go look in the bread box and you say: “Ma, we don’t have no hamburger buns. “All we have is Wonder Bread.” “That’s what I said. Get the bread out of the bread box.” “You gonna put it on square Wonder Bread?” “Bread is bread. Bring me that bread before I slap you. “Don’t tell me about Wonder Bread. “As much as that bread costs, don’t tell me about Wonder Bread. “This is Wonder Bread. A hamburger is a hamburger.” And she’d make it and put it in the middle of square Wonder Bread. At McDonald’s, they use buns, the meat covers the whole bread. At your mother’s, the meat’s right in the middle of the bread, with grease running through the middle, making the bread stick to the plate. This big green pepper is hanging out the top of this big meatball on the bread. And you try to put some ketchup on it and it mixes with the grease, turn the bread into pink dough. Then you grab it and get fingerprinted and you got big, pink fingerprints in the dough. You stand there looking at it and you try to make it look like McDonald’s, so you rip the edges off around it, make it round. And you got green peppers and grease running down your hand. And your mother say, “Now, go on outside and play.” And the other kids got McDonald’s. They outside going, “We got McDonald’s hamburgers. “McDonald’s. McDonald’s. “I got McDonald’s.” And you standing there with this big “house burger”. And kids are honest. They say, “Where you get that big, welfare, green-pepper burger?” And you cry. “My mother made it.” And long slob… When little kids cry, some long slob come out of their mouth and it hangs this far to the ground. And it won’t break. And adults stand around going, “That slob gonna break?” And it won’t. The wind can blow that slob. You know where you see kids crying? I do it all the time, I’m sadistic. I like to go to supermarkets and watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids. Party at the Loft! I was at the Loft. You know why I ain’t dancing at the Loft? I had just got over some shit. I go to parties… I went to a white disco recently and I watched the white people dance. Y’all… Y’all can’t dance. No, it’s not… I’m not being racist. I mean, I mean… It’s like saying black people have thick lips. That’s not racist. It’s true. We have thick lips and white people can’t dance. And y’all be trying. Y’all be really… Do y’all listen to the words or the beat? Because y’all be… I really… I tell you, every time you see a black… When you go to a white club, you see five or six brothers just standing. You ask, “Why are those n i g g e r s in here?” They watching y’all dance. “Look at these crazy motherfuckers.” Y’all got one dance y’all can do. Y’all can do this shit, like this: But y’all don’t do no moves, it’s just this: Y’all do some shit like this, you be fucked up. You’d be: “Oh, shit…” And white people, y’all step on each other’s feet. Brothers, we go to the disco, get all fucked up, you’re stepping and hitting and… Brothers got some dance. They be doing this with their heads. Some shit like that. If the white people do that, they’ll kill each other. They be like: “Sorry.” “Let’s stick with this.” I was in the club, man. I stopped going… I ain’t dancing at the Loft because I had a fight recently and I said I ain’t dancing. I went to clubs… People get drunk, go to clubs and start fighting. I had a fight with an Italian dude right around the time Rocky came out. Italians… White people, period, y’all go crazy after y’all see a Rocky movie because y’all believe that shit. Because the movies are so emotional and so real, you sit there and go like, “Hey, this is real.” And Stallone have y’all white people pumped, especially Italians. After Italians see Rocky, they come out the movie theater, they be like… Italians are funny people, because they act like n i g g a s. It’s funny. They do. They hold their dick more than us. They be standing around, “Get the fuck out of here.” “It’s right here, all right? What? Hey, fuck you, all right?” Everything is a question too. “Hey, what am I, an asshole? “What am I, a fucking jerk? Get the fuck out of here. “It’s right here, all right?” After they see Rocky, they come out of the theater charged. They be like, “All right, Rock-O! “All right, Sly!” “All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!” Go up to the people standing on line and shit. “Hey, paisan, you going in to see Rocky right now?” “Yeah.” “It’s a great fucking movie. “It’s great. “You gonna like this. When Sly comes out, “he breaks this big fucking n i g g e r’s face. “He busts it fucking wide open. “Fucking melanzane laying on the floor, fucked up. “It’s fucking great. I fucking love it, man. All right, Rock-O! “At the end of this picture, now, just between you and I, “I don’t wanna ruin the surprise, but Sly wins this one again.” “You know what I like about Stallone’s movies? “The realism. Because that’s the way you gotta treat those fucking moolies. “They think they can fucking push you around, ‘Oh, you big hotshot,’ “get the fuck out of here. “Get the fuck out of my face with that shit. “That’s what I like about Sly. He goes in “and the moolies are beating him and he don’t fucking go down, “he comes in and he cracks the fucking moolie’s hole like this. “He falls on the ground. You know, you can really fucking do that. “You see that fucking big melanzane standing over there? “See that black guy over there at the line getting candy?” “Yeah.” “All right. Now, he’s about 6’5″. I’m 5’2”. “I ain’t no big guy, all right? “But I’m Italian. Watch this. You watch this, all right? “Hey, excuse me, brother. “Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits “and let me have some Bon Bons. “I think I’ll have some Bon Bons there. “And let me have some Junior Mints. “And give me another box of Juji Fruits. “And the n i g g e r’s gonna pay for it.” “Excuse me?” “You heard what I said, moolie. Pay for my fucking candy… “…or I’ll kick your ass.” “Oh, you just saw Rocky. “Look, little Italian white man. “I enjoy Sylvester Stallone’s movies too. “But I’m waiting to get some candy and I’m gonna go see a movie. “Why don’t you just go hop in your IROC Z-28 and take your ass home.” “I’ll kick your fucking ass.” Then they hear that Rocky music. Hour later: “He’s not gonna make it. “The big n i g g e r named Abdullah’s hand wrapped around his throat. “And a box of Juji Fruits rammed up his ass. He’s not gonna make it. “He’s fucked up.” That’s who I had a fight with. An Italian. Those are the worst white people to fight, especially around Rocky time. Because I was in a discotheque talking to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever. Don’t ask me why. We were there kicking it and this Italian dude was there with his girlfriend and she is looking at me or Deney. Italians don’t play that shit. You hear the shit they say to their girlfriends? “What the fuck you looking over there for? “Don’t tell me you’re not looking. I just saw you. “You been looking over there all fucking night. “You look over there again and I’m gonna pick up a glass “and shove it in your fucking mouth. Don’t look over there. No, you shut up. “You’re making me look like an asshole. “Don’t you ever disrespect me. Don’t you ever. “Hey, shut up. Don’t you ever… I’ll fucking kick your ass inside here. “What are you looking at a fucking dancer and a melanzane for? “You know I’ll kick his moolie ass.” He pushed me. Black people from New York have this trick we use on white people. It works. Even if you can’t fight, you have to act like you can fight, because that gets you out of a lot of fights. lt works. lf you have some problem… Walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says: “Hey, you got a problem?” You go, “Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!” “I just lost my motherfucking job “to a white man, look just like you! “So I say I’m gonna step on some feet till I feel I’ve redeemed myself. “You got a problem?” And white guys will go, “Hey, I didn’t know about your job.” They leave and brother be standing there like this: “That was close. “I almost got fucked up.” So I know you gotta act like you can fight. First, you make your voice go up an octave and act real confused. And mumble: “What the fuck this motherfucker trying…? “Yo, you don’t put your motherfucking hand, no… “Mind your motherfucking business. I’ll bust your motherfucking ass. “Don’t you never put your hands… Shut the fuck up. “What the fuck is wrong with you, man? “You know I’ll bust you… Get the fuck off me. “I’ll bust your motherfucking ass too. Mind your motherfucking business. “You want some, motherfucker? You want some? “Then make a move, then. Make a move. “Yeah, you better walk away, mother… I’ll bust your pussy ass too. “You never put your motherfucking hands on me. “What the fuck is your problem? What’s your problem, huh? “You got a problem? Well, I’m gonna settle your problem. “I’m gonna settle your problem, motherfucker!” And the dude did like this, “Come on!” I was stuck. I was standing there like this now. Dude said, “Come on, that’s the way I like it.” I didn’t know what to do, because I could act like I could fight good. I’m an actor, I ain’t no fighter. You put me in a movie where I’m the star, I’ll kick your ass. This is real shit. He’s going, “Come on.” I was frozen, man. I was standing there, my ego jumped out of my body and said, “Punch him in the face, Ed.” I said, “I ain’t punching nobody.” My ego said, “Well, give me your hand.” Clocked that boy in his eye. Boy fell on the deck holding his eye, he was all fucked up. I looked at my ego, I said: “What the fuck you do that for?” Ego said, “Because you’ve got an image to uphold. “You kicked the dude’s ass. Relax.” The dude was laying there, holding his eye. My ego said, “Now talk some shit so people know not to mess with you.” And I was like, “Yeah. “I’m tired of people messing with me.” “Now tell them if somebody else move, you gonna kick their ass.” “If somebody else move, “I’m gonna kick their ass?” “Do some rhyme with your name. That always scares white people.” “Because I’m Ed “and if you mess with Ed, you be dead.” “That’s all right. Just worry about… Shit, you doing fine. “You just relax, don’t worry. Just be cool. “Ain’t nobody gonna move after they seen you kick this dude’s ass. “Just relax and cool out.” I start cooling out. My ego said: “Every now and then you gotta whip somebody’s ass, “let them know where you stand.” I said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” I ain’t see this dude’s brother standing behind me. And he has seen Rocky too. And he swung around my back and punched me in the mouth… …real, real hard. Because the punch said: And my ego said, “What was that?!” I said, “I don’t know.” And my lip said, “Hey, fellas!” So I’m standing there with my lips hanging down, looking like J.J. from Good Times and shit. And I ain’t know what to do, so I scream for security. I said, “Security!” And that’s when one of my boys jumped over the table like Linc Hayes from the Mod Squad and grabbed that boy and started going: Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up and starts fucking this boy up and his brother woke up, jump on top of my boy and started kicking his ass. Then somebody says, “Fight in the back!” And all the people, the bouncers, came and saw two n i g g e r s fighting two white guys. They jump on the n i g g e r s. “You n i g g e r s have to learn “to stop fucking up our club. Didn’t we let you in here, n i g g e r? “We saw you laughing while we were dancing. We saw you.” Then all the brothers saw 40 white guys beating up two black guys, “Hey, you can’t beat up the brothers.” They jump in the fight. Then it looked like 40 white guys fighting 40 black guys, it was a big race war and suntan lotion and Jheri-curl juices shooting all over. And at the end of the fight, everybody sued me. Everybody claimed I whipped their ass. I’m 5’10”. I weigh 165 pounds. I can’t whip a disco’s ass by myself. Even people that didn’t fight sued me. People that watched the fight was in court. “No, I didn’t actually fight, but I was there watching. “And it was a discotheque and a strobe light fell off the ceiling, “creating a weird effect with the mirror “and I saw this and my eyes were sprained, “the eyes, and I need 1 2 million for my sprained eyes.” Brothers sued me. Yo, man, the brothers came out and sued. I was like, “Ain’t no brothers gonna sue me.” Brothers sued Ed. The brothers went to get paid. I was, “Brothers don’t sue brothers.” They was like, “Fuck that. I’m getting paid, motherfucker.” The brothers went to court and got educated on the judge. All of a sudden, it was like, “Can you state your case?” [gangsta voice] “Uh, yes, Your Honor. On the evening in question, per se, Your Honor… yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was just out the disco, right? Coolin’, right? I went in with my girl, right, and my girl starts illin’, says “There go Eddie Murphy.” Started actin’ all tipsy and shit. I said, “Where, where?” She go, “Over there.” I say, “Fuck that big-nosed motherfucker!” I make my money just like him, right, Your Honor, cuz I don’t give a fuck, I ain’t gittin on nobody’s jobs, you know? So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened, what happened then, right? I said, “Yo, what you want me go get the motherfucker’s autograph?” I got the autograph for my girl, walked over and said, “Yo, Ed? Sign this autograph.” [pause] Then Ed said, “I ain’t signing a *motherfuckin’* thing! Fuck you and your ugly bitch!” I said, “Yo, Ed, I’ll bust your ass for sayin’ shit like that.” He say, “Wh-Where, motherfucker, I’ll kill-” And he ran over to my woman and slapped her in the face, Your Honor! Then he slapped me and my man in the face, all three of us like the Three Stooges, Your Honor! 12 million! 12! [normal] I was disgusted. Man in Audience: Half! [gangsta voice] Yeah, Your Honor, give us half his shit! I was mad. I called my mother up. You know how you do. When you get depressed, you call your mother. You get your ass whipped, first you call home. I call my mother’s house. Because you wanna hear: “It’s gonna be all right, baby. It’s gonna be fine. “You just come on home. Stop crying. I’ll cook you something to eat. “I’ll cook you one of them big old hamburgers “I used to make before. You just come on home.” And you want that burger when you get older. I called my mother’s house, it was a Friday night, the phone rang for a half-hour. Which meant my pops was home, and on the weekends, my pops gets drunk. I was praying he wouldn’t answer the phone, because I’m bleeding, my lips are swollen, people walking by going, “Jimmie Walker.” I’m going, “No, I’m Ed. I just had a fight.” So I’m praying my father wouldn’t answer the phone. And I picture this is going on, my pops is home like this, drunk: “This is my house! “It’s my house and I don’t give a fuck! “You know something? Hey, I’m drunk, Lil. “Lil? I’m drunk. And you know something? “It’s beautiful. “It’s beautiful, Lil. In my heart and my soul, I’m drunk. “You know something, fuck it. “Because if I wanna drink something in my house, fine. “You don’t like it, get the fuck out of my house. “I pay the bills for this motherfucker. I wanna drink something, I drink. “Hey, Lil, you gonna answer this telephone? “Do you hear the phone ringing? “Lil! “That’s the phone, motherfucker. That’s not me. “No, I’m not answering shit. “I pay the bills. I’m gonna answer the phone too? “Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell up in this motherfucker? “You better answer this telephone. “Lil, answer the phone. Goddamn it, look… “Shit, I’m watching the fights, Lil. “Are you…? You’re not gonna answer it? “OK. Fine. Don’t touch the phone no more, Lil. “Since you can’t get up off your ass and answer the phone, “you can’t touch the phone. Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian. “No more phone for you. Your phone privileges are cut off. “I’m gonna write that down and put it on the fridge. “That’s the new rules in the house. “I’m gonna take the old rules off and put new rules up. “You gonna listen to me when I tell you to do something. “We gonna put new rules up. We gonna put rules up. Rules up. “Rules. Rules. “One, ‘Lillian cannot use the phone.’ “Two, ‘Lillian cannot…’ “Since you’re such a smart motherfucker, “you can’t go outside anymore either. “Cannot go outside ever again. “Now, put the rules up, Lillian. “You abide by my rules and my regulations, goddamn it. “And the rules say ‘No phone and no outside.’ “And I don’t give a fuck if the motherfucking house is burning down. “If I come home and a fireman putting the house out, I say: ‘How you find out the house was burning?’ ‘We got a call from your wife,’ I kick your motherfucking ass. “You’re in this house to stay! You’ll burn up in this motherfucker. “No, Lillian, where you going? Didn’t I just say you couldn’t go no place? “How the hell you gonna go somewhere…? “You’re not going to Shirley’s house to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno. “Take your coat off. No, you can’t go no place because I said so. “The rules say ‘no outside.’ I know you wanna leave, that’s why you can’t go. “You better call and tell her you’re not coming. “You can’t use my phone. “I don’t know. You better lift up the window “and scream your motherfucking head off. “But you’re not… I don’t give… “You’re not going no place. You’re not going no place. “Because I know you wanna leave. That’s why. I know you wanna leave. “I know you wanna leave.” I got one of those fathers who gets drunk and sings old Motown songs to you in his argument, fucks up the lyrics and thinks he’s saying it right. “I know you wanna leave me “But I refuse to let you go, Lillian” Then he fuck up, think he’s saying it right. “If I have to beg and plead Do the symphony “I don’t mind because it means That much to me “You’re not going no place. “You be right here in this motherfucker, Lil. “Watching the ships roll in “Then you watch them Roll away again “Lillian “Because I put the rules up. Like Diana Ross say, “It’s my house I live here “And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian: En my casa, I… Yo vivo aqui “This is my house! I don’t give a fuck! “Do you hear this phone? I’m gonna answer, because I know it’s Shirley. “And you not supposed to let a phone ring for a half-hour. “You let it ring two or three times and hang it up. “That’s a lonely bitch at the end of that line. I’m gonna tell her. “Hello? Shirley? Bitch, if you ever let my phone ring like this again… “Shir…? What’s wrong…? Hey, what’s wrong with you? “What you crying about? Eddie, what’s…? “Eddie, what’s wrong with you? “What? You had a fight?! Lillian, get my pistol. “Who you have a fight with? “What? A disco? With Deney Terrio? “Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio? “And Jimmie Walker? And your lips? And you shot… “What? Lillian, Eddie had a fight in a disco with Deney Terrio “and shot Jimmie Walker. “He shot him in the lips, Lil. “Eddie, why’d you shoot Jimmie Walker in his lips? “I like Good Times. “Oh, you took a shot in your lips? “And you look like Jimmie Walker? Oh, that’d do it. “Who punched you in the lips? Italian? For what? “What you mean ‘nothing’? Nobody get punched for nothing. What’d you do? “Don’t tell me ‘nothing’. You had to do something. “What did you do? No, don’t tell me ‘nothing’. “Nobody gets punched for nothing. What…? Eddie… “No, don’t say ‘nothing’. Eddie. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing “Had to do something “Motherfucker punched you in the mouth “Now, what did you do? What? “Eddie. No… Eddie, then it’s something that you did a long time ago. “Didn’t I always tell you, you reap what you sow? Yes. “What goes around comes around, Eddie. “Yes, that’s why that man punch you in your mouth tonight, “for something you did a long time ago. “Yes, Eddie. Well, you give what you get. “You get what you give. That’s why that man… “Eddie. What do you mean, you don’t remember what you did? “He probably punched you for something you did “when you was living here. “I didn’t catch everything that you did. I worked all day, you played all day. “Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1971? “It was you! Yes, it was. That’s why that man kick your ass tonight. “I’d appreciate if you go up and tell him that your father says ‘Thank you.’ “Save me a trip to California. Because you never respect me. “You never listen to what I tell you to do. “I put rules on the refrigerator and you never obey my rules. “Me and your mother want respect. “You, Charlie and Vernon could not respect me and your mother. “All we wanted was some respect. All we asked for was a little respect. “How come you can’t respect me? How come? “I’m a man. I want respect. I want respect, Eddie. “What we want Baby, you got it “What we need I know you got it “Because all I’m asking “ls for a little respect, motherfucker “When you come on home, baby Hold on a minute. “The kiss is sweeter than honey “R-E-S-Z-C-P Find out what you mean to me “R-E-C-C-T-T-P “Motherfucker, you know how to spell it! “Respect. You never had no respect for me, Eddie. “That’s why the man kick your ass. And when I was a child, “I respect my parents. And we didn’t have shit. Okay? “I had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers and sisters didn’t have shit. “I had 11 brothers and sisters, Eddie. My father made 13 cents a week. “He worked at the Coleco toy factory, Eddie, and made 13 cents a week. “That’s not a lot of money when you have 11 children. “We didn’t have all the fancy things like you, Charlie and Vernon. “We didn’t have fancy luxuries like food. “What the fuck you gonna eat on 13 cents a week? “We had to eat whatever my father brought home from work. “We ate the toys, Eddie. “We ate the toys and we never complained, “because my mother could cook her ass off. “My mother get some hot sauce and some salt and pepper, “make a Tonka truck taste so delicious. “The wheels will melt in your mouth, Eddie. “And you appreciate it. You never complained. “It was all for one and one for all. We stuck together. “I only hurt my brothers and sisters once. “I came home from school and my mother had made “a birthday feast for my father. “She had cooked and slaved over the stove all day “and made enough food for 13 people to feast on “for my father for his birthday and I sat down and ate it all by myself. “I ate it all, Eddie, by myself. And my father came inside the kitchen, “put his little birthday hat on and he looked at all the children. “He had a tear in his eye and he said, ‘Which one of you kids sat down ‘and ate a whole fucking game of Monopoly by yourself?’ “And I ate it all, Eddie! “Boardwalk, Park Place, Illinois Avenue, “the shoe, the boat, the hat, the cannon, “Connecticut Avenue, Luxury Tax, “Eddie, I even ate those cheap purple motherfuckers after ‘Go’… “…that nobody buys. I ate them. “I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue. Yes, I did. “I did, and I sat down and ate my father’s birthday cake too. “No, we couldn’t afford a cake. “It was two Etch-A-Sketches on top of each other. “Two Etch… Etch-A-Sketch cake. That’s right. “We couldn’t afford no icing, “so my mother would write ‘Happy Birthday Pop’ on the Etch-A-Sketch. “Know how you made a wish? You shook it till the words disappeared, “then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch. “And that was your birthday cake. And we never complained. “We were happy to get that. All for one and one for all. “We would get dressed to go to school. Let me tell you about our clothes. “We had to wear whatever my father brought home from work, Eddie. “We wore the toys! “Each day my mother would wake up and open 11 Twister games, Eddie. “She would roll the Twister mats on the floor. “Me and my 11 brothers and sisters “would wrap the Twister mats around our body like a suit. “Then we get a Hot Wheels racetrack and put that around our waist as a belt. “And if there was no Hot Wheels, we used Johnny Lightning. “And if there was no Johnny Lightning, we ripped up a Hula Hoop “and put that around our waist. But we went to school, goddamn it. “Other children would make fun of us because we got on Twister suits. “And it’s no fun to get your ass kicked in a Twister mat. “Right foot, blue. Left hand, red, Eddie. It was a goddamn game to these kids. “I’m standing on the corner, “a motherfucker is spinning the spinner and kicking my ass, Eddie. “Then I gotta go to school and watch the other children eat real food. “I gotta watch them eat peanut butter and jelly, bologna and Swiss, “ham and cheese. I got a goddamn Silly Putty sandwich. “Then, for dessert, they’re gonna pull out a Hostess cupcake “and I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky? “A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie, I ate so many Slinkys, “every time I hear the motherfucking Slinky song, “it make me sick to my stomach. “They walk downstairs Alone and in pairs “And make a clinkety sound “A thing, a thing, a marvelous thing Everyone knows it’s Slinky “A Slinky, a Slinky A wonderful, wonderful toy “A Slinky, a Slinky They’re fun for a girl and a boy” Bye-bye, I gotta go. Thank you. | Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit. Cool out. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And hello, New York City! Thank you for coming out. Don’t let the lights and cameras throw y’all. We filming a movie here tonight and y’all gonna be in this shit. Except only I’m getting paid for the motherfucker. Every now and then I take a joke too far. That’s why I haven’t been on the road the last three years. Did y’all see Delirious? In Delirious, I was making fun out of a lot of entertainers too. That’s when I got scared. I did some jokes about Mr. T. And Mr. T was gonna fuck Ed up. He was… And I was scared, because y’all seen Mr. T. He don’t look like, you know, like he can’t fight. He looks like he can whip some ass, right? And I was petrified. I would walk at parties and people say: “Yo, man, Mr. T was just here looking for you.” He was walking up to people saying: “I’m gonna whip Eddie Murphy’s ass when I see him.” Then I watched his show, because I didn’t know him, to see what kind of guy he was, and the character on the show ain’t too bright. So I figured if he came up to me, I could use the Jedi mind trick on him. Mr. T walk up and go, “I heard you did some jokes about me.” “No, you didn’t.” “Maybe I didn’t.” “I’m gonna go beat up the fool that told me them lies.” I’d be at parties, hear he was looking for me, I would just leave. I don’t wanna fight Mr. T. Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me. I was like… When Mike… My manager called me up and said: “Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad.” I was like, “So?” You know, because I’d fuck Mike up. You know, Mike… Mike don’t weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know. I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking for him, but my manager said: “We don’t know everything about Michael. “He might be this bad motherfucker behind closed doors. “He’s a recluse. Behind closed doors, he might be completely different.” And I’d be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day and it’d be like this: “Can I talk to you for a minute? “Yeah, what’s your motherfucking problem, man? “Well, how come you keep fucking with me then, huh? “What’s all the motherfucking jokes? You don’t like my clothes? “I’m Michael-motherfucking-Jackson, I will bust your ass. “Get the fuck out, motherfucker… “I will moonwalk all up and down your ass, motherfucker. “You mind your motherfucking business. “I hear some more shit, I’m gonna put this glove up your ass. “I’ll see you later.” That’s a dumb… I could never… I’ve been trying for five months to do the moonwalk and I can’t do the shit. lt’s shitty. lt’s the dumbest dance ever, because I can’t do it, that’s why I say it’s stupid. But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance? Be at a party, say, “Hey, baby, come on, let’s dance. See you later.” Do the moonwalk. That’s some stupid shit. Michael can do that shit, though. Michael’s so famous, Michael went on TV and everything he says, the public believes. Went on television and said: “I don’t have sex because of my religious beliefs.” And the public believed it. I know brothers were like, “Get the fuck out of here.” And white people go, “That Michael’s a special kind of guy. “He’s special. I mean, he’s good, clean and wholesome.” You know how I knew y’all believed it? Y’all didn’t get mad when he took Brooke Shields to the Grammys. Nobody white said shit. And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America. Miss America every year is Brooke. Fuck who you see with the crown. You look up “white woman” in the dictionary, be a picture of Brooke like this: She’s white. And this n i g g e r took her to the Grammys, nobody said shit. lf I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys, y’all would lose your mind. Because y’all know Brooke would get fucked that night. And Brooke knew too. That’s why we going this year. No… Stop. Now, see? I did jokes about… I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals a couple years ago and faggots were mad. They were like… And they were… There’s nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you. I’d be at parties… There’s always two or three at a party. They’d be standing around looking at you, they’d be looking at… “He’s an asshole.” I can’t travel the country freely no more. I can’t go to San Francisco. They got 24-hour homo watch waiting for me in the airport. Soon as I got off the plane, they’d be like: “He’s here, yes. Yes, it’s him. Yes, it’s him!” And the cars would come rushing across town. It’d be: And it won’t be no siren, it’ll be a real fag sitting on the roof going: “Pull over. Pull over. “Pull over. I’m gonna read him his rights. “You have the right to remain silent. “Anything you say can and will be held against you. “You have the right to an attorney. Turn around. I’m gonna frisk you. “You carrying any concealed weapons? “Are you carrying…? What is this? What is this? “Lay down on the floor and spread them.” Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show? – Yeah! I do too. I love Bill Cosby’s show. I been a big fan of Bill Cosby all my life. Never met the man before, but he called me up about a year ago and chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on-stage. It was real weird, because I had never met him and he just thought it was… He should call me up, because he was Bill, and tell me that he did… About what comedy is all about. And I sat and listened to this man chastise me. And when Bill Cosby chastises you, you forget you grown. You feel like one of the Cosby kids and shit. And I ran in the house all excited to talk to Bill and picked up the telephone and Bill got raw on me. I was like, “Hello, Mr. Cosby?” And you hear: “I would like to talk to you… “…about some of the things that you do in your show. “Now, I’m going to tell you a story.” He always tells you stories. “I would like to tell you a story. I have five children. “One, two, three, four, five. Five… Five children. “I live in Massachusetts with my wife, Camille, and my five children. “Now, of the five children that we have, there are four girls and a boy. “The boy’s name is Ennis. He loves everything you do. “Comes home from school the other day “with a big smile on his face. And my son looks just like me. “He walks through the door, looking at me with this big smile, “and I cannot resist, because it’s such a beautiful smile. “And he walks up and I say, ‘What are you smiling about?’ “And the child says to me: ‘I’m smiling because I need money to go see the Eddie Murphy show. ‘Please give me money for a ticket.’ “Now, if the child is smiling this way because he needs money for a ticket, “I have to give him money for a ticket. “I do not handle the money in the house. “My wife, Camille, handles the ticket money. “So I must go into the kitchen, “to where my wife is cooking dinner for the family. “And she is inside the kitchen cooking. “And she’s got a bowl. “And she’s cooking up the food, man. She’s cooking it up. “And the child walks in the room with the smile “and he says, ‘Mother, please, money.’ “She gives him the money, he runs off to see your show. “Now, we sit in the living room waiting for Ennis to return. “At about 5:00 in the morning, the child comes through the door. “He has a different look on his face. “A look like he heard something at your show that he’s never heard before. “And I say to my child, I say, ‘Child…’ “I say, ‘What did the man say on the stage?’ “And he says, ‘Pop, the man comes out and says these things.’ “I say, ‘Well, what did he say?’ ‘Pop, he comes out and says some stuff.’ “I say, ‘What did he do?’ ‘Pop, he walks out and he goes: “Hello, suck this, and MF and kiss my big black stuff. “And suck it and stick it down in your mouth and suck it, suck it.”‘ “You cannot say filth, flarn, filth, flarn, filth in front of people.” And I say, “I never said no ‘filth, flarn, filth’.” “You know what I’m talking about. “I can’t use the type of language that you use, “but you know what I mean when I say ‘filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth’.” I say, “I never said ‘filth, flarn, filth’. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m offended you called. Fuck you.” That’s when Bill got pissed and said: “That’s what I’m talking about. You cannot say ‘fuck’… “…in front of people.” And I got mad. Because he thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, “motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. “Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.” I was pissed off. I was so mad I called Richard Pryor‘s house up. I said, “Yo, Richard, Bill Cosby just called me up “and told me I was too dirty.” Richard said: “The next time motherfucker call, tell him I said, ‘Suck my dick.’ “I don’t give a fuck. “Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit.” He said, “Do people laugh when you say what you say?” I said, “Yes.” “Do you get paid?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Well, tell Bill I said: ‘Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.’ “The Jell-O pudding-eating motherfucker.” Richard… Richard is the rawest motherfucker in show business. Richard’s the one that made me wanna do comedy. When I was little, I wanted to be Richard Pryor so bad I used to… Remember, you’d sneak in the basement, put his albums on, and your mother ain’t supposed to hear, and you’re listening to this shit and I turned it… I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used to go out on-stage when I was 15 and talk and act and walk and do everything like Richard. My mother would sit there and watch her 15-year-old son on-stage saying some outlandish shit. My whole act back then was about taking a shit, because that’s all I had done at 15. That was my life experience, but it sounded like Pryor jokes. I’d be going, [imitating Richard Pryor] You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye shit, that water splash up on yo’ ass? Don’t that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the shit is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do shit be teasin’ yo’ ass? Just get the fuck out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo’ ass don’ cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the shit in half? You be mad like a motherfucker too coz you gotta whip yo’ ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o’ toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin’ for a long time and one lil’ pebble shit comes out? Y’ want some shit this big right? Stick yo’ head up your ass and say: That all the shit I’m gonn’ get mothafocka? And it’s afterwards right, when you done with shit, you done all the shittin’ you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back… WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT? That was my act. My mother sit there shocked. If you don’t speak English, you can’t hear that bit. All you hear is “shit, ass, shit, shit.” I got a lot of foreigners that come over. People from other countries have seen my films and come over to the U.S., because New York is a tourist place, and they get HBO and they catch Delirious and they can’t speak English and try to do my act and all they got is the curses. I got foreigners from all over walking up, going: “Eddie Murphy! Fuck you! “Fuck you, Eddie. “I know you. I see you on television. “You’re the ‘fuck you’ man, right? “I love it. Suck my dick, huh? “Suck it, you black motherfucker. “I love it. The best motherfucker. The ‘fuck you’ man.” Made me stay in the house, man. Almost got married last year. Don’t you “ooh” and “aah”. Got to get married in the ’80s. I read the papers. I said, “Fuck this, I’m getting out.” Hey, you know, read. You can catch some shit. You can’t just keep messing around like you used to. Eventually, your dick will fall off. Remember…? Remember, like, VD in the ’60s? That shit don’t just sting no more. Every time they cure something, it come back stronger. VD is new and improved now. They got dudes in the doctor’s office with symptoms like, “Excuse me, doc, “what does it mean when you go to the bathroom “and fire shoot out your dick?” “Let me get this right. So you’re getting a burning sensation “when you urinate?” “No, fire shoot out my dick, is all. “A burst of flame fly out my dick when I pee. “I can’t even pee in the house, I burn my house down. I gotta go outside. “I was outside peeing, dude tried to mug me, “I turned around and burned him up on the street. “Because my dick is a blowtorch, is what I’m trying to say.” Got to be careful. They say having casual sex nowadays is like playing Russian roulette. And I know I’ve thrown my dick on the crap table many a night. Looking for Miss Right, you be gambling every time. You gambling with your dick, saying, “Come on, need a woman with a mind. “Come on, now. I need somebody perfect for me. Give it to me, now! “Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch. No, give me my dick back. No. “I’m gonna keep rolling. I got one more roll in me. “I want the perfect woman, now. I want somebody with a mind, “intelligence, a nice ass and a body. Give it to me, now! “Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch. No, give my dick back. “Give my dick back. Now, listen, be quiet. “I’m gonna keep rolling. This is my last roll. “This is the last one. This is the one for me. “Miss Right. Blow on this for luck. “This is my last roll. Come on. Here we go. “Give it to me, now! Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out. “My dick is fucked up. My dick is ruined.” So be careful. Get married. I went out and found the perfect woman. Nineteen years old. Beautiful face. A virgin. Nobody ever fucked her. And had an ass like this: And her legs are like: Her titties are like: She was so fine. She’s one of the people that’s so fine, when you see them, they make you ugly. You be like, “Goddamn, who is that motherfucker?” She was fine. I went, I cut all my girls off. I said, “That’s it, I’m getting married. This is it. Gonna be me and her.” I was so happy. And I went out and I went shopping. And I was waiting on the line and I saw the Enquirer magazine while I was waiting on the line and I saw Johnny Carson on the front page. There was a picture of him like this: Then I said, “What’s up with Johnny?” I turned to the inside story and his wife was on the other page and she was like this: And over her head it said, “Johnny’s wife wants half Johnny’s money.” I turned that shit back to Johnny. Then I started thinking about it. Half. If you… If you have $5 and have to give somebody $2.50, you’d be upset. Johnny had to have at least 300 million. And have to give up $150 million? And they wasn’t even married but ten years. And $150 million? Get… Give me a fucking break. What…? What…? And ladies… Now, here’s a woman right here saying, “Right on.” Baby, that’s not fair. Not no 150 million. I see a lot of you ladies going: “Get all the money you can, shit. I’m glad she did get all that money. “She earned it. She earned it. That… You damn right. “She was married to him, she deserved that money.” Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit. No. Stop it. No, don’t get me wrong. If you marry somebody and neither one of you have anything and you build 300 million together, you deserve half. But Johnny was 300 million in when they met. And I’m quite sure she knew. Johnny says, “Hey, I’m Johnny.” She was like, “I know who you are, motherfucker.” And they got married, broke up, shit didn’t work out. And then he had to give her $150 million of his money. I know a lot of housewives sitting out there going: “You can’t put a price on what I do.” But, ladies, if you marry a man with $300 million, you ain’t no regular housewife. You ain’t got to clean the house no more. You get a maid. You ain’t cleaning shit! You marry a man with $300 million, you ain’t cooking. You’re eating out. You marry… You know how a lot of housewives gotta get jobs on the side to help make ends meet? He got 300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker. What you gonna do, get a job at a boutique on the weekends and shit? And say, “Here, Johnny. I made $70, put that with the rest. “Now we have $300 million and 70. “Because I want to do my share.” No. All you have to do, you marry a man with $300 million, is fuck your husband. That’s it! That’s your job. Fuck your husband! That’s it. That’s… Just fuck your husband. You fill out a W-2, they say, “What you do?” You say, “I fuck my husband.” That’s it. And I’ve had my share of pussy. I have yet… Even if the pussy was great and sparks shot out the woman’s ass and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled and the seas roared, no pussy is worth $150 million! No pussy. I’d like to meet some pussy like that. Put the shit on layaway. That shit scared the shit out of me. Half? I was petrified. Man, you know what’s real scary is that American women in the ’80s have become very business-conscious. Y’all the most resourceful and the most business-smart women on the planet. Now, in the ’80s. And it would be an asset to us, as American men, if you weren’t so vindictive. Because the two don’t match. Then, what’s really fucked up, is y’all the most loving people. American women are all off into this romance and they genuinely fall in love with you. Now, love and money do not mix. The shit don’t mix. Especially if you got a business-smart woman… You go up and say, “I never met anybody like you before.” “I never met anyone like you.” “Why don’t we be together.” “Will you marry me?” “I thought you’d never ask.” “Before we get married, why don’t you sign this prenuptial agreement.” “What do you mean, a prenuptial agreement?” “That’s a contract that stipulates if we ever break up, “you take what you had and I take what I had.” “First of all, I don’t give a fuck who you are and what you have, OK? “You got a lot of motherfucking nerve by asking me to sign a contract. “There’s nothing a man can do for me that I can’t do for myself. “You got a whole lot of… I love you. “Telling me to sign a contract to show that I love you? “If I need something, I can go to my family. My family takes care of me.” And men hear all that shit and we be like this, “OK. “We don’t need no contract.” And you don’t get a contract and get married without one and the shit don’t work out and you break up a year later. She’s sitting around in the kitchen by herself, mad, trying to figure out a way to get even with your ass. “I can’t believe that motherfucker did this to me! “After all the shit I did… “All the things I did for that motherfucker, he do this to me? “Him and his fat bitch can kiss my ass! “I don’t give a shit about either one of them. “I don’t want shit from him or her and I don’t care. “You know something? You know what I should…? You know…? “Half! “I’ll take half his shit!” And they’ll get it. They’ll get half your money, your house, your car, alimony, child support and your children. You will be on the cover of the Enquirer like this: So be careful! I started having nightmares. I was waking up in the middle of the night like this: “Half!” Because I’m into American women. I like American women. I got a friend got a Japanese girlfriend. And Japanese women are the most docile women on the planet. They’re real… They’re real timid, timid, timid, timid women. I walked in the house and his friend, Japanese girl, bowed to me when I walked in. I said, “What’s wrong with your wife’s back and shit?” He said, “That’s a Japanese thing. They bow.” And I was like, “Miss, did you decorate the house?” She looked at her husband, he did like this: “You may speak.” And she spoke. And I was like, “Now, that’s pussy control for you, there.” You know, because I’m used to American women saying: “You don’t own me.” “Hey, baby, where you going?” “Excuse me?” “I said, where you going?” “You don’t own me.” “You my woman, ain’t you?” “I don’t see no rings on these fingers. “Are you gonna put a ring on this finger? “Well, I…” “Then you don’t own me then, OK? “I don’t give a fuck who you are or what you have, OK? “You got a whole lot of nerve, come and ask me where I’m going. “I don’t answer to my father, I ain’t gonna answer to no man. “Ain’t no man gonna tell me where I can go. “Who do you think you are? “To come and ask me where I’m going? Nobody owns me. “I own myself. I am my own person.” And we hear all that shit, then be, “OK.” “Well, where you gonna be?” “I’m gonna be where I’m at! “You don’t own me!” Well, you don’t. You don’t own your woman. “You gonna put a ring on my finger?” That shuts you right up. You say, “OK.” I know you spend a lot of your money on your woman. And I know you go to the movies and you go to get the ice cream and the candy and the flowers and the anklets and the bracelets and help her get some clothes. You spending all your money on shit you ain’t never spent it on. But you don’t own her. Because theoretically, that pussy’s on lease. You’re leasing the pussy. With an option to buy. But be careful, because you lose half on the trade-in. You got to be careful. You gotta have a J-O-B in the ’80s. You gotta have some money, you can’t get no pussy. Listen to the radio. That’s what it’s about. Listen to Madonna. “I’m a material girl in a material world, “you ain’t got no money, you can’t have no pussy.” There’s a song out now called “Got to Have a J-O-B If You Wanna Be With Me.” And the lyrics go, “Ain’t nothing going on but the rent.” Like if you went up and said: “Hey, baby, what’s going on?” “The rent, motherfucker.” “You have a job?” “Well, I…” “Then get the fuck out my face.” Got to have some money. It says, “No romance without finance.” And women love them songs. They be going: Got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me. Janet Jackson got a hit record: “What Have You Done For Me Lately”. That’s what they thinking. “What have you done for me lately?” The record start off like that. “I know he used to do shit for you, but what has he done for you lately?” “Baby, I love you.” “What have you done for me lately?” “You the only thing on my mind.” “What have you done for me lately?” “We make good love.” “What have you done for me lately?” Got to have some money to get some pussy in the ’80s. It’s fucked up, that’s why I say, hey, I’m a target. If I ever get married, I have to go off to the woods of Africa and find me some crazy, naked, zebra bitch… …that knows nothing about money. She got to be butt naked on a zebra with a big bone in her nose and a big plate lip and a big, fucked-up Afro! Her Afro… Afro gotta… Like, Angela Davis see it and go: “Goddamn, that’s some fucked-up shit.” Afro gotta be fucked up and one of them picks with a fist in the back. And she gotta be butt naked, because if she got clothes, she gonna have to put something in the pockets. She’s gotta be butt naked on the zebra. And y’all think it’s a joke. I’m gonna walk up and say, “Hey, how you doing? My name’s…” And she go: I say, “Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy.” And I’m gonna bring her home. Y’all gonna go past a newsstand one day and see me on the cover of JE with some woman with a big bone and a plate and a big, fucked-up Afro, butt naked, and y’all gonna say, “Eddie must be visiting Africa.” It’ll say, “Murphy Marries Bush Bitch.” I’m gonna be like: What? What? Because I ain’t getting caught. I refuse to get caught out there. Fuck that. And I’m gonna bring her home and lock her up in the house. You go off to Africa and get you a bush woman, you can’t let her mingle with American women. Because they’ll change her shit up. American women stick together. Last thing they wanna see is you got some trained bush bitch in your house. They will catch her by herself in the kitchen and throw a monkey wrench in your whole program. They get her alone, they be like, “I can’t stand the way you be “doing everything he tell you to do. You a human being. “This house is too big for one person to clean. Why don’t you leave? “You always crying. Just leave him. You know something? “Do you know you could take half his money? Did you know that? “He didn’t tell you you were entitled to half? “He only told you half the story. “You can take half the money, the car, the house, the children. “You can buy all the zebras and bones you want. “Go back home in style, girl. And get your hair done right. “Cut that Afro off, go back home in style. Who the hell he think he is? “Let me tell you about Eddie Murphy. “That motherfucker ain’t nothing but… Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing? “Oh, I didn’t know you was here. You scared me. “No, I can’t stay. I was just talking to Uhmfufu about a couple of things. “No, no, no, I got to go. I got to… You two… Y’all two lovebirds talk. “Eddie, talk to your… Talk to Uhmfufu. “Y’all got a lot to talk about. Go on, Eddie. Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu…” And leave me in the kitchen with some bush bitch with an attitude. “Eddie! “Eddie! “I want to talk to you!” “What’s your problem, baby?” “I don’t like the way you treat me, Eddie. “You treat me like animal.” “You was butt naked on a zebra last month.” “I don’t care, Eddie. I am American woman now. “I want what’s coming to me. “Eddie, what have you done for me lately?” “I want you to be happy. Well, what you want?” “Half! “Give me half, Eddie. Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man. “Suck my dick, Eddie. “You motherfucker.” Then I’d be on the front page of the African Enquirer like this: So be careful. Don’t get caught in a trap. Any woman can get any man she wants if she puts her mind and pussy to it. They can have you. They have figured us out. We’re very easy creatures to figure out. And women know all they have to do is cater to our egos enough and they can have you. Guys, how many times have you fucked some ugly bitch that just kept hanging around and you had to fuck her? And then afterwards you be like this, “I can’t believe I fucked this bitch.” They just cater to your ego. Sometimes you’ll see a real ugly bitch with a handsome dude. You say, “How that happen?” Dude’s going, “Yeah, how that happen?” Because she catered to his ego. They can figure us out. Guys, don’t get trapped. We’ll call them “pussy traps”. Let’s call them pussy traps. It’s a trap. They trap you with the pussy. They catch you with the pussy, see. And it’s a trap. The most common trap is to not give you any, though. Don’t think, “Maybe you’re gonna put a trap on.” The most common is when you ain’t getting any at all, that’s the trap. When you meet a woman and everything is perfect and she won’t do anything, it’s a trap. Sometimes it backfires, because a lot of women play these games with sex. And ladies like sex just as much as we do, guys, but they act like they don’t. But they do. There’s not a woman… There’s not a woman in this room that wouldn’t rather be somewhere else with a nice stiff one in them. Don’t you let them fool you. They like it just as much as us. See, ladies sitting there going: “That’s true. “He’s funny, but he’s not that funny. “I’ll take a dick over a smile any day. Yes, I will.” They like it just as much as us, but they play these games. Know where it backfires on you, ladies? When you go meet a guy, he wants you, you want him, you like each other, everything is perfect, but you won’t do anything. He say, “Let’s go.” You say, “No, I’m not gonna do it.” And after that, he don’t like you no more. But he still wants to fuck you. So he waits. He be like, “Okay, I’ll wait. “Goodnight.” And you wait. You wait three months. Then you finally get it and she’s like this, “I’m yours.” And you go, “Fuck you, bitch!” “Fuck you and your pussy. Get the fuck out of my face.” Be careful. Don’t get trapped. The most common trap is to not give you any. Let me hear the men clap that are with women that you’ve never slept with before. Let me hear you clap, truthfully. Look at the ladies going, “Stop clapping.” Shame on you. You should’ve fucked them. Clap. Clap louder. Shame on you. Y’all should’ve fucked them. These men like you and you just won’t do it, because you’re trying to trap… Guys, don’t be hurt. She likes you. This is what is going on inside your house every night. “Baby, come on, now, please.” She go, “No, stop it. Stop it. Stop.” “Baby, come on. Would you stop?” “Oh, stop. Can we please stop? “Are we gonna go too far?” “I want it to go too far. Come on now, baby.” “We could… Stop. I just don’t think the time is right.” “Well, my dick don’t get much harder than this. “I been waiting three months. What’s the problem?” “I don’t wanna fuck. I wanna make love. “I’ve had too many relationships that didn’t work out. You’re special to me. “I know all the girls do everything that you want. “And I don’t wanna go through… Why are you doing this…?” And men see those tears and we be, “OK. “We don’t have to do nothing.” Then you go out and your friends be, “Yo, man, you fuck her yet?” “No.” “Why not?” “She’s special. “She said she don’t wanna fuck, she wanna make love.” Which is bullshit. I mean, fucking and making love, let’s be real. I mean, the physical act… I like to fuck somebody I’m in love with. But I ain’t making love to nobody. I get into bed… I get into bed… I get into bed… When you get into bed, would you rather have somebody say: “Oh, make love to me” or grab the back of your head and say, “Fuck the shit out of me. “You motherfucker. “Just fuck, mother… Fuck me, goddamn it.” You want somebody in the bed with you: “Oh, darling, I want to make love to you.” That type of shit. “You a motherfucker…” I’m a realist. But they’ll tell you, “I don’t wanna fuck, I wanna make love.” And they make you wait. And you wait and wait and wait and wait. And you just keep on waiting, you just wait and finally she gives you some. And it’s the best you ever had in your life. You come harder than you’ve ever came. “This was it. This was the feeling I’ve been searching for. I finally made love.” You didn’t make love. lt just felt real good. You know why? Because you waited five months for it. If you’re starving and somebody throw you a cracker, you gonna be like this: “Goddamn, that’s the best cracker I ever ate in my life! “That ain’t no regular cracker, was it? What was that, a Saltine? “Goddamn, that was delicious. “That wasn’t no Saltine. That was… That was a Ritz. That wasn’t a Ritz? “God, that was the best cracker I ever ate in my life. “Can I have another one, please? Please, one more.” Then you get married, because you think you’ve found the bomb. Have the same crackers every day for a year. And you roll over one day and be like: “Hey, I just got some regular old crackers.” Try to leave? Half! So be careful. Marry someone that’s not gonna fool around on you. Which would be hard to do in the ’80s, because everybody’s fucking each other nowadays. It’s like Fuckfest ’87. Everybody… Everybody is fucking and it really… It’s getting bad. Let me hear the women clap that are loyal to their men, truthfully. Let me hear you clap. OK, now, let me hear… Let me hear the women clap that have men that are loyal to them, truthfully. Yeah, I see. Y’all some disillusioned ladies clapping right now. Let me hear the men clap. Let me hear the men clap that are loyal to their women. Stop. You lying motherfuckers, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass. Fuck, there ain’t no such thing as a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers. Stop it. Yeah, the only reason you’re clapping is because your woman’s sitting next to you right now when I asked you. When I asked the question, she looked at you like this: “You gonna put your hands together? “You better stomp your feet and light a match for this pussy, goddamn it. “Stand up and clap. Stand your ass up and clap.” “She’s number one!” Get the fuck out. No such thing as a loyal man. Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps and they’ll have you believing it. No loyal men. All men fuck other women. We are low by nature and have to do it. We are men. All men do it. We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing. Men must find and conquer as much pussy as they can get. Do not think for two seconds that you are the only one your man is fucking. He is a man and has to conquer women. I see a lot of you good women sitting out there going: “Not my man.” Yes, your man too. Your man too. If he’s not here with you tonight, he fucking somebody. Because he is a man. lt has nothing to do with you. You can have the best pussy in the world. There can be a cape hanging out your pussy with a big S on it. Your man’s still gonna go fuck somebody else, because he is a man. It is a dick thing. Do not try to understand it. You have to have a dick to understand this. We are men. I know a lot of guys sitting out there right now like this too: “Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man! “I ain’t spent all my money for this, motherfucker!” You gonna be driving home tonight with your wife in the car like this: “You don’t really be fooling around like Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?” “No, baby. That’s just jokes. “That Ed sure is funny, ain’t he? “Why don’t we change the subject. Let’s talk about something different. “I don’t wanna talk about this stuff.” “I do wanna talk about this stuff. “Why does he have to lie to me? I think he was telling the truth. “If you fooled around, I would be so hurt and disgusted, I would wait “until you went to sleep, I would come inside the room and kill you.” – Thanks, Eddie! – We love you! “Yeah, that Ed sure is funny. “I ain’t got to worry. As much as I love you, “I wouldn’t fool around. Let’s talk about the Richard Pryor.” “I don’t wanna talk about the Richard Pryor. “I wanna talk about this, because if you fooled around, “I would be so hurt, you know what I would do?” “What would you do, baby, take half?” “No, I’d wait till you went to sleep “and I’d come inside the room and cut your dick off.” “Don’t be talking about cutting off my dick.” “Well, you don’t be putting your dick in nobody else, then.” “Well, I don’t play that shit. You cut off my dick, you better run, goddamn it. “Stop making them dick threats.” The woman’s favorite… Y’all always make… The woman’s favorite threat is, “I’ll do something to your dick.” “If a man do this, I kick him in his nuts. A man put his hands… “Don’t you put your hands on me, I’m gonna kick you where it hurts.” Dick threats. Y’all don’t realize how sensitive nuts are, do you? Men don’t like to hear a threat like that. You hear somebody: “I’ll kick you in the nuts.” It make you wince, be like: “Change the subject, please.” You don’t have to kick no nuts to hurt nobody. You could just graze nuts. And the man would be fucked up. And that pain is worse, because it don’t set in for, like, ten seconds. You be wondering if it’s gonna hurt. You say, “I wonder, did that hit my nuts, just…?” There’s no getting around it. “I’ll kick you in your nuts.” You don’t have to kick. You could just graze it. Y’all do that… You ever have a woman play-fight with you? Your man get serious when they threaten your dick. You be, “Hey, baby, come on.” And she go: You say, “Hey, hey, hey. “I think playtime is over. “Getting a little crazy.” That’s why men don’t like to handle babies. Them little babies with them high-top white shoes on with the real hard bottoms. When they about 1 years old, you pick them up and their leg muscles be strong and they stomp you in the nuts with both feet. And both of y’all be dribbling. You be like: And their mother think you talking baby talk. “Oh, that’s so cute, the way they talking.” “Yeah, go to your mother, please.” “What’s the matter, he stink?” “No, I’m about to throw this motherfucker someplace. “Get a little older, I’m gonna kick you in your nuts, see how you like it.” “I kick him in his nuts.” Always talking about kicking somebody in the nuts. You know what, ladies? I had a woman ask me the other day: “You know why I say my thing? I wanna know why all men fool around. “Why, why, why? I do everything my man wants me to do “and he still fools around. Why? I cook, I clean, I fuck. “I come and go as he says. Why, why, why?” Then you call up your girlfriends and go, “Why?” She go, “I don’t know. My man ain’t home.” “Why?” Then you call up your mother and say, “Mama, why?” She go, “I don’t know, your father ain’t home.” “Why? Why?” I’ll tell you why all men fool around. – Why? – Hear the ladies go, “Why?” Men fool around because of this. Look at all the women in the audience right now looking up here like this: We fool around because we figured women out. We did. See, a lot of you ladies going: “What does he mean, he figured us out?” And dumb n i g g a s going, “Yeah, what does he mean, we figured them out?” We figured you out in this sense, and this is true. Anybody’s ever done this will agree with what I’m saying. Any woman that’s ever had this done to her will agree what I’m gonna say. Those of you who’ve never done this will go, “I disagree.” But once you make a woman come real hard, once you make a woman say: No matter how bad you fuck up, no matter what you do wrong, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, as long as you say: “I’m sorry,” she will listen to your story. And that’s the truth. That’s the God’s honest truth. lt is the truth. Stop it. lt’s the truth. lt is the truth. And, ladies, as soon as y’all make that noise, your relationship will change with your man. Because we know. We wait on that noise. We waiting on it. Because we know we can act different as soon as you go: We know we can act the fool then. Remember when your man couldn’t make it, he would call? No more of that shit. He heard you go: Remember he wanted to spend all his free time with you? No more of that. You made that noise. Your man can act crazy. We know as soon as you go: Our face is in the pillow like this, “I got this motherfucker now, boy.” Then you start talking to her: “Whose pussy is this? Whose pussy is this?” “Oh, it’s your pussy! lt’s your pussy!” And your relationship changes from that moment. The woman be sitting on the bed, legs shaking: “Oh, my God. Oh, I can’t believe it. “I never came like that before. I can’t believe it.” And their man get real cold, saying shit like: “Why don’t you shake your ass home.” “What are you talking about? Why are you treating me like this? “We have a relationship.” “You don’t own me.” “What do you mean? We have a relationship. “I thought that we go together.” “I don’t see no rings on your finger.” “But I love you!” “Well, what have you done for me lately?” And y’all put up with it. Y’all start putting up with all kinds of crazy shit. I guess it’s hard to find somebody that knows how to do it to you right, because when y’all find one, y’all stick through that man through all kinds of bullshit. I know a man got busted coming out of another woman’s house. Show you how far a woman will stoop. He got busted coming out of another woman’s house. His woman saw him come out, knew that the woman lived there and didn’t say shit. Wait till they got home and said: “What the hell was you doing in that bitch’s house?” You know what the man said? “Wasn’t me.” “I looked right in your face!” “Wasn’t me.” “Well, I’m supposed to be a fool, right?” “Hey. “Wasn’t me.” You know what the woman said? “Maybe it wasn’t you.” I got a friend got busted in his house, in his bed, where him and his wife sleep, with another woman, fucking! His wife walked inside the house, opened up the bedroom door, saw her man in her bed with another woman, fucking. She walks in: The man jumped up, saw his woman standing there. She ran down the hallway. Chased his woman down the hallway butt naked with a rock-hard dick, talking about, “I’m sorry.” This sound like a tragedy, right? No, it was like this: “Baby, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. “Baby, look. Whoa, hold on. Wait, we got to talk. “Baby, I am sorry.” “No, you’re not sorry. “I can’t believe you did this. You have no respect for me. “Get the fuck… Don’t you fucking touch me.” “Wait, baby, I am sorry. Wait a second.” “No, if you’re sorry, you wouldn’t have fucked her!” And then you change the shit around. Right, guys? “OK, wait a minute! “Wait one second, goddamn it! “Yes, I fucked her, yes. “ls that what you want me to say? I fucked her? I fucked her. “We fucked, all right? You happy now? We fucked! “Now, let’s talk about the word ‘fuck’ for a minute. “Because that’s a very important word here. Fuck, yes, we did. “Fuck. I fucked her. “I make love to you. “And if you gonna let a fuck come between our love, “there’s something really wrong happening here, baby.” Bullshit. That’s the only reason why it works. Now, guys, I see a lot of y’all feeling real macho, because you may have heard your woman make that noise and you think you are in control of your shit. But I told you a half-hour ago, women are vindictive. Don’t you think for two seconds that if you keep breaking this woman’s heart, your sweet, innocent, little, sweet, loving, darling woman, she eventually will go out and fuck someone else. Don’t think she won’t. Don’t think she won’t. Look, all the men’s faces, they’re like this now: And men don’t like to picture their woman fucking nobody. That’s taboo. Watch the guy’s faces. Ladies, look at them. Guys, picture your woman fucking your best friend. Look at them, they’re: Hey, your woman is like this: I gotta tell you, be careful. And women ain’t like us. It’s not their nature to fool around. Like, we’ll go out and sneak out to the hotel and have to wash your dick in the sink and all that shit. Women gonna do it classy. They don’t fuck around like us. It’s like, “Hey, I don’t do this often, I’m gonna do it right.” Know when your woman’s gonna fool around? You keep messing her over, eventually she says shit like this: “You know, I think I’m gonna go to the Bahamas by myself for the weekend.” And you say, “You want me to go with you?” She goes, “No, just me and my girlfriends are going. “Just me and my friends.” And we so stupid, we start thinking about all the pussy we can get while she gone. “You gonna go by yourself?” “Yes.” “OK.” And send your woman off to the romantic Bahamas by herself? By herself to the Bahamas? She’s walking on the beach, she laid out all day and got a tan, your woman is fine and got her body looking right, she’s walking on the beach, crying, in the Bahamas. Lovers on the beach making love. She’s all by herself, walking along, feeling sad, thinking about you and everybody’s real romantic. The motion of the ocean is shimmying off… The moon is shimmying off the ocean. Your woman’s standing, looking at it and crying. And all of a sudden, a dude named Dexter walks up. Dexter St. Jock. He walk up swinging his dick. Then he do that smooth Bahamas shit on your woman. “What a beautiful girl like you doing by herself on the island of love? “This is the island for lovers. “You should be being held right now, girl. “What you crying about?” “I’m having some problems with my boyfriend, “so I came down here to think it over.” “Tell me what hotel your man’s staying. “I tell him that you treat a woman like you like a princess. “If you were my woman, I make love to you constantly. “What hotel this man staying in?” “Well, he’s back in New York.” “Is that right? “Well, listen, girl. Won’t you come back around my place? “We sit down and talk it over.” “All we gonna do is talk?” He take your woman to his house and roll one of them big-ass Bahama joints. Shit this big and shit. Put some of that Bob Marley music on. And y’all know Bob be preaching this shit: Don’t let him fool you Oh, no Or even try to school you Oh, yeah Could this be love? And be loved Dick swinging. Next thing you know, Dexter is fucking your woman. Well. Send your woman home floating on air. Walk through the door like this: I shot the sheriff We so stupid, we think it was the weather. We be going: “Hey, baby, you need to get away more often.” And she be like this: And never tell you. lt’s her little secret. All women have a skeleton in the closet. All women have done something that only them and another person knows about. All women have one skeleton. Even the little, sweet, innocent ones have something that only them and another person knows about. All women. Don’t be… Look at the guys, looking at their women again like this: “You got skeletons in your closet? “I thought I seen a bone in your shoe. Whose skeleton was that?” Don’t be fooled. They all have a skeleton in their closet. Some of them got cemeteries in their closet and shit. You open the door and ravens and shit fly out of the closet. So be careful. Be careful. Get somebody you gonna be with forever. Find somebody perfect for you. I’m not saying they’re perfect people. I’m saying we ain’t perfect. Find somebody just as fucked up as you are and settle down. That’s what you gotta do. If I ever get married, I got to marry somebody with personality. For instance, I hate those quiet, salad-eating bitches, those real quiet ones, you know. The kind of women, you take them out to dinner, you say: “Hey, what you wanna eat?” They go, “I’ll just have a salad.” And you hear their stomach going: “I don’t know why my stomach is making that noise.” “Because you’re hungry, bitch.” “Why don’t you have something to eat?” “No, no, no. I’m fine, I’m fine. I’ll just have a salad.” “What you want to drink?” “Water.” “What movie you wanna see after you finish eating?” “Whatever you wanna see is OK with me. “As long as it’s a PG. I hate scary movies.” “This is my friend Bob and Karen.” “Hi.” “What’s your problem?” “I’m just a little shy.” Get your shy ass away from me. I hate those shy bitches. They make me sick to my mother… I hate shy… You know, those shy women, those are usually the ones that have the most skeletons in their closet. That’s why they shy now. Because they been raising hell all their life, now they shy. Think about it. All them shy women that you meet, they never from the town you meet them in. They always from somewhere else. Then they come to your town and get shy. Get the fuck out of here. They afraid to talk, because they think a bone is gonna fly out their mouth or some shit. “Hi. “So many skeletons.” I hate shy women. I like extroverts, I like women with a sense of humor. I like funny girls, funny women. But you gotta be good-looking too. I don’t wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch and shit. I’d have me in the bed going: “Hey, baby, can you tell me some more jokes, please?” Gotta be a good cook. I didn’t realize my mother was a good cook till after I moved out. When you’re a child, if your mother doesn’t take you to McDonald’s, you don’t think she can cook. I had one of those mothers, no matter what you want, she has the ingredients at home. You say, “Ma, I wanna stop and get some McDonald’s.” And she go, “I got hamburger meat at home.” “But I want McDonald’s hamburger.” “I’ll make you a hamburger better than McDonald’s.” “You cook better than McDonald’s?” “That’s right. You can help Mama make it.” You say, “Shit, that’s better than McDonald’s.” Your mother say, “OK, go get me the big frying pan.” So you hand her the frying pan and she say: “I want you to go in the refrigerator and get the meat and while you in there, get me a green pepper and a onion.” And you say: “Ain’t no green peppers at McDonald’s.” “I’m not making McDonald’s, I’m making Mama’s burger. “I need a green pepper and an onion and get me an egg out too.” “What you need eggs for? “I want hamburgers. “You making Egg McMuffins.” “I’m not making an Egg McMuffin. I don’t know what no Egg McMuffin is. Just get me the egg and shut your mouth.” She take the egg and the green peppers and chop the peppers up in big chunks. Don’t even dice it. Big chunks of green peppers and onion and mix the egg in and put paprika and all this shit in it and make a big meatball and put it in the middle of this frying pan. At McDonald’s, the meat is this thin. Your mother’s shit is like this or fatter. Green peppers hanging out of it and shit. And there’s a big split in the middle and grease is popping out. You’re looking at it while it’s popping. You’re looking at the grease in the pan and thinking: “That don’t look like no McDonald’s.” Then your mother say, “Go inside the refrigerator and get me the bread out of the bread box.” And you go look in the bread box and you say: “Ma, we don’t have no hamburger buns. “All we have is Wonder Bread.” “That’s what I said. Get the bread out of the bread box.” “You gonna put it on square Wonder Bread?” “Bread is bread. Bring me that bread before I slap you. “Don’t tell me about Wonder Bread. “As much as that bread costs, don’t tell me about Wonder Bread. “This is Wonder Bread. A hamburger is a hamburger.” And she’d make it and put it in the middle of square Wonder Bread. At McDonald’s, they use buns, the meat covers the whole bread. At your mother’s, the meat’s right in the middle of the bread, with grease running through the middle, making the bread stick to the plate. This big green pepper is hanging out the top of this big meatball on the bread. And you try to put some ketchup on it and it mixes with the grease, turn the bread into pink dough. Then you grab it and get fingerprinted and you got big, pink fingerprints in the dough. You stand there looking at it and you try to make it look like McDonald’s, so you rip the edges off around it, make it round. And you got green peppers and grease running down your hand. And your mother say, “Now, go on outside and play.” And the other kids got McDonald’s. They outside going, “We got McDonald’s hamburgers. “McDonald’s. McDonald’s. “I got McDonald’s.” And you standing there with this big “house burger”. And kids are honest. They say, “Where you get that big, welfare, green-pepper burger?” And you cry. “My mother made it.” And long slob… When little kids cry, some long slob come out of their mouth and it hangs this far to the ground. And it won’t break. And adults stand around going, “That slob gonna break?” And it won’t. The wind can blow that slob. You know where you see kids crying? I do it all the time, I’m sadistic. I like to go to supermarkets and watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids. Party at the Loft! I was at the Loft. You know why I ain’t dancing at the Loft? I had just got over some shit. I go to parties… I went to a white disco recently and I watched the white people dance. Y’all… Y’all can’t dance. No, it’s not… I’m not being racist. I mean, I mean… It’s like saying black people have thick lips. That’s not racist. It’s true. We have thick lips and white people can’t dance. And y’all be trying. Y’all be really… Do y’all listen to the words or the beat? Because y’all be… I really… I tell you, every time you see a black… When you go to a white club, you see five or six brothers just standing. You ask, “Why are those n i g g e r s in here?” They watching y’all dance. “Look at these crazy motherfuckers.” Y’all got one dance y’all can do. Y’all can do this shit, like this: But y’all don’t do no moves, it’s just this: Y’all do some shit like this, you be fucked up. You’d be: “Oh, shit…” And white people, y’all step on each other’s feet. Brothers, we go to the disco, get all fucked up, you’re stepping and hitting and… Brothers got some dance. They be doing this with their heads. Some shit like that. If the white people do that, they’ll kill each other. They be like: “Sorry.” “Let’s stick with this.” I was in the club, man. I stopped going… I ain’t dancing at the Loft because I had a fight recently and I said I ain’t dancing. I went to clubs… People get drunk, go to clubs and start fighting. I had a fight with an Italian dude right around the time Rocky came out. Italians… White people, period, y’all go crazy after y’all see a Rocky movie because y’all believe that shit. Because the movies are so emotional and so real, you sit there and go like, “Hey, this is real.” And Stallone have y’all white people pumped, especially Italians. After Italians see Rocky, they come out the movie theater, they be like… Italians are funny people, because they act like n i g g a s. It’s funny. They do. They hold their dick more than us. They be standing around, “Get the fuck out of here.” “It’s right here, all right? What? Hey, fuck you, all right?” Everything is a question too. “Hey, what am I, an asshole? “What am I, a fucking jerk? Get the fuck out of here. “It’s right here, all right?” After they see Rocky, they come out of the theater charged. They be like, “All right, Rock-O! “All right, Sly!” “All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!” Go up to the people standing on line and shit. “Hey, paisan, you going in to see Rocky right now?” “Yeah.” “It’s a great fucking movie. “It’s great. “You gonna like this. When Sly comes out, “he breaks this big fucking n i g g e r’s face. “He busts it fucking wide open. “Fucking melanzane laying on the floor, fucked up. “It’s fucking great. I fucking love it, man. All right, Rock-O! “At the end of this picture, now, just between you and I, “I don’t wanna ruin the surprise, but Sly wins this one again.” “You know what I like about Stallone’s movies? “The realism. Because that’s the way you gotta treat those fucking moolies. “They think they can fucking push you around, ‘Oh, you big hotshot,’ “get the fuck out of here. “Get the fuck out of my face with that shit. “That’s what I like about Sly. He goes in “and the moolies are beating him and he don’t fucking go down, “he comes in and he cracks the fucking moolie’s hole like this. “He falls on the ground. You know, you can really fucking do that. “You see that fucking big melanzane standing over there? “See that black guy over there at the line getting candy?” “Yeah.” “All right. Now, he’s about 6’5″. I’m 5’2”. “I ain’t no big guy, all right? “But I’m Italian. Watch this. You watch this, all right? “Hey, excuse me, brother. “Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits “and let me have some Bon Bons. “I think I’ll have some Bon Bons there. “And let me have some Junior Mints. “And give me another box of Juji Fruits. “And the n i g g e r’s gonna pay for it.” “Excuse me?” “You heard what I said, moolie. Pay for my fucking candy… “…or I’ll kick your ass.” “Oh, you just saw Rocky. “Look, little Italian white man. “I enjoy Sylvester Stallone’s movies too. “But I’m waiting to get some candy and I’m gonna go see a movie. “Why don’t you just go hop in your IROC Z-28 and take your ass home.” “I’ll kick your fucking ass.” Then they hear that Rocky music. Hour later: “He’s not gonna make it. “The big n i g g e r named Abdullah’s hand wrapped around his throat. “And a box of Juji Fruits rammed up his ass. He’s not gonna make it. “He’s fucked up.” That’s who I had a fight with. An Italian. Those are the worst white people to fight, especially around Rocky time. Because I was in a discotheque talking to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever. Don’t ask me why. We were there kicking it and this Italian dude was there with his girlfriend and she is looking at me or Deney. Italians don’t play that shit. You hear the shit they say to their girlfriends? “What the fuck you looking over there for? “Don’t tell me you’re not looking. I just saw you. “You been looking over there all fucking night. “You look over there again and I’m gonna pick up a glass “and shove it in your fucking mouth. Don’t look over there. No, you shut up. “You’re making me look like an asshole. “Don’t you ever disrespect me. Don’t you ever. “Hey, shut up. Don’t you ever… I’ll fucking kick your ass inside here. “What are you looking at a fucking dancer and a melanzane for? “You know I’ll kick his moolie ass.” He pushed me. Black people from New York have this trick we use on white people. It works. Even if you can’t fight, you have to act like you can fight, because that gets you out of a lot of fights. lt works. lf you have some problem… Walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says: “Hey, you got a problem?” You go, “Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!” “I just lost my motherfucking job “to a white man, look just like you! “So I say I’m gonna step on some feet till I feel I’ve redeemed myself. “You got a problem?” And white guys will go, “Hey, I didn’t know about your job.” They leave and brother be standing there like this: “That was close. “I almost got fucked up.” So I know you gotta act like you can fight. First, you make your voice go up an octave and act real confused. And mumble: “What the fuck this motherfucker trying…? “Yo, you don’t put your motherfucking hand, no… “Mind your motherfucking business. I’ll bust your motherfucking ass. “Don’t you never put your hands… Shut the fuck up. “What the fuck is wrong with you, man? “You know I’ll bust you… Get the fuck off me. “I’ll bust your motherfucking ass too. Mind your motherfucking business. “You want some, motherfucker? You want some? “Then make a move, then. Make a move. “Yeah, you better walk away, mother… I’ll bust your pussy ass too. “You never put your motherfucking hands on me. “What the fuck is your problem? What’s your problem, huh? “You got a problem? Well, I’m gonna settle your problem. “I’m gonna settle your problem, motherfucker!” And the dude did like this, “Come on!” I was stuck. I was standing there like this now. Dude said, “Come on, that’s the way I like it.” I didn’t know what to do, because I could act like I could fight good. I’m an actor, I ain’t no fighter. You put me in a movie where I’m the star, I’ll kick your ass. This is real shit. He’s going, “Come on.” I was frozen, man. I was standing there, my ego jumped out of my body and said, “Punch him in the face, Ed.” I said, “I ain’t punching nobody.” My ego said, “Well, give me your hand.” Clocked that boy in his eye. Boy fell on the deck holding his eye, he was all fucked up. I looked at my ego, I said: “What the fuck you do that for?” Ego said, “Because you’ve got an image to uphold. “You kicked the dude’s ass. Relax.” The dude was laying there, holding his eye. My ego said, “Now talk some shit so people know not to mess with you.” And I was like, “Yeah. “I’m tired of people messing with me.” “Now tell them if somebody else move, you gonna kick their ass.” “If somebody else move, “I’m gonna kick their ass?” “Do some rhyme with your name. That always scares white people.” “Because I’m Ed “and if you mess with Ed, you be dead.” “That’s all right. Just worry about… Shit, you doing fine. “You just relax, don’t worry. Just be cool. “Ain’t nobody gonna move after they seen you kick this dude’s ass. “Just relax and cool out.” I start cooling out. My ego said: “Every now and then you gotta whip somebody’s ass, “let them know where you stand.” I said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” I ain’t see this dude’s brother standing behind me. And he has seen Rocky too. And he swung around my back and punched me in the mouth… …real, real hard. Because the punch said: And my ego said, “What was that?!” I said, “I don’t know.” And my lip said, “Hey, fellas!” So I’m standing there with my lips hanging down, looking like J.J. from Good Times and shit. And I ain’t know what to do, so I scream for security. I said, “Security!” And that’s when one of my boys jumped over the table like Linc Hayes from the Mod Squad and grabbed that boy and started going: Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up and starts fucking this boy up and his brother woke up, jump on top of my boy and started kicking his ass. Then somebody says, “Fight in the back!” And all the people, the bouncers, came and saw two n i g g e r s fighting two white guys. They jump on the n i g g e r s. “You n i g g e r s have to learn “to stop fucking up our club. Didn’t we let you in here, n i g g e r? “We saw you laughing while we were dancing. We saw you.” Then all the brothers saw 40 white guys beating up two black guys, “Hey, you can’t beat up the brothers.” They jump in the fight. Then it looked like 40 white guys fighting 40 black guys, it was a big race war and suntan lotion and Jheri-curl juices shooting all over. And at the end of the fight, everybody sued me. Everybody claimed I whipped their ass. I’m 5’10”. I weigh 165 pounds. I can’t whip a disco’s ass by myself. Even people that didn’t fight sued me. People that watched the fight was in court. “No, I didn’t actually fight, but I was there watching. “And it was a discotheque and a strobe light fell off the ceiling, “creating a weird effect with the mirror “and I saw this and my eyes were sprained, “the eyes, and I need 1 2 million for my sprained eyes.” Brothers sued me. Yo, man, the brothers came out and sued. I was like, “Ain’t no brothers gonna sue me.” Brothers sued Ed. The brothers went to get paid. I was, “Brothers don’t sue brothers.” They was like, “Fuck that. I’m getting paid, motherfucker.” The brothers went to court and got educated on the judge. All of a sudden, it was like, “Can you state your case?” [gangsta voice] “Uh, yes, Your Honor. On the evening in question, per se, Your Honor… yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was just out the disco, right? Coolin’, right? I went in with my girl, right, and my girl starts illin’, says “There go Eddie Murphy.” Started actin’ all tipsy and shit. I said, “Where, where?” She go, “Over there.” I say, “Fuck that big-nosed motherfucker!” I make my money just like him, right, Your Honor, cuz I don’t give a fuck, I ain’t gittin on nobody’s jobs, you know? So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened, what happened then, right? I said, “Yo, what you want me go get the motherfucker’s autograph?” I got the autograph for my girl, walked over and said, “Yo, Ed? Sign this autograph.” [pause] Then Ed said, “I ain’t signing a *motherfuckin’* thing! Fuck you and your ugly bitch!” I said, “Yo, Ed, I’ll bust your ass for sayin’ shit like that.” He say, “Wh-Where, motherfucker, I’ll kill-” And he ran over to my woman and slapped her in the face, Your Honor! Then he slapped me and my man in the face, all three of us like the Three Stooges, Your Honor! 12 million! 12! [normal] I was disgusted. Man in Audience: Half! [gangsta voice] Yeah, Your Honor, give us half his shit! I was mad. I called my mother up. You know how you do. When you get depressed, you call your mother. You get your ass whipped, first you call home. I call my mother’s house. Because you wanna hear: “It’s gonna be all right, baby. It’s gonna be fine. “You just come on home. Stop crying. I’ll cook you something to eat. “I’ll cook you one of them big old hamburgers “I used to make before. You just come on home.” And you want that burger when you get older. I called my mother’s house, it was a Friday night, the phone rang for a half-hour. Which meant my pops was home, and on the weekends, my pops gets drunk. I was praying he wouldn’t answer the phone, because I’m bleeding, my lips are swollen, people walking by going, “Jimmie Walker.” I’m going, “No, I’m Ed. I just had a fight.” So I’m praying my father wouldn’t answer the phone. And I picture this is going on, my pops is home like this, drunk: “This is my house! “It’s my house and I don’t give a fuck! “You know something? Hey, I’m drunk, Lil. “Lil? I’m drunk. And you know something? “It’s beautiful. “It’s beautiful, Lil. In my heart and my soul, I’m drunk. “You know something, fuck it. “Because if I wanna drink something in my house, fine. “You don’t like it, get the fuck out of my house. “I pay the bills for this motherfucker. I wanna drink something, I drink. “Hey, Lil, you gonna answer this telephone? “Do you hear the phone ringing? “Lil! “That’s the phone, motherfucker. That’s not me. “No, I’m not answering shit. “I pay the bills. I’m gonna answer the phone too? “Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell up in this motherfucker? “You better answer this telephone. “Lil, answer the phone. Goddamn it, look… “Shit, I’m watching the fights, Lil. “Are you…? You’re not gonna answer it? “OK. Fine. Don’t touch the phone no more, Lil. “Since you can’t get up off your ass and answer the phone, “you can’t touch the phone. Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian. “No more phone for you. Your phone privileges are cut off. “I’m gonna write that down and put it on the fridge. “That’s the new rules in the house. “I’m gonna take the old rules off and put new rules up. “You gonna listen to me when I tell you to do something. “We gonna put new rules up. We gonna put rules up. Rules up. “Rules. Rules. “One, ‘Lillian cannot use the phone.’ “Two, ‘Lillian cannot…’ “Since you’re such a smart motherfucker, “you can’t go outside anymore either. “Cannot go outside ever again. “Now, put the rules up, Lillian. “You abide by my rules and my regulations, goddamn it. “And the rules say ‘No phone and no outside.’ “And I don’t give a fuck if the motherfucking house is burning down. “If I come home and a fireman putting the house out, I say: ‘How you find out the house was burning?’ ‘We got a call from your wife,’ I kick your motherfucking ass. “You’re in this house to stay! You’ll burn up in this motherfucker. “No, Lillian, where you going? Didn’t I just say you couldn’t go no place? “How the hell you gonna go somewhere…? “You’re not going to Shirley’s house to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno. “Take your coat off. No, you can’t go no place because I said so. “The rules say ‘no outside.’ I know you wanna leave, that’s why you can’t go. “You better call and tell her you’re not coming. “You can’t use my phone. “I don’t know. You better lift up the window “and scream your motherfucking head off. “But you’re not… I don’t give… “You’re not going no place. You’re not going no place. “Because I know you wanna leave. That’s why. I know you wanna leave. “I know you wanna leave.” I got one of those fathers who gets drunk and sings old Motown songs to you in his argument, fucks up the lyrics and thinks he’s saying it right. “I know you wanna leave me “But I refuse to let you go, Lillian” Then he fuck up, think he’s saying it right. “If I have to beg and plead Do the symphony “I don’t mind because it means That much to me “You’re not going no place. “You be right here in this motherfucker, Lil. “Watching the ships roll in “Then you watch them Roll away again “Lillian “Because I put the rules up. Like Diana Ross say, “It’s my house I live here “And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian: En my casa, I… Yo vivo aqui “This is my house! I don’t give a fuck! “Do you hear this phone? I’m gonna answer, because I know it’s Shirley. “And you not supposed to let a phone ring for a half-hour. “You let it ring two or three times and hang it up. “That’s a lonely bitch at the end of that line. I’m gonna tell her. “Hello? Shirley? Bitch, if you ever let my phone ring like this again… “Shir…? What’s wrong…? Hey, what’s wrong with you? “What you crying about? Eddie, what’s…? “Eddie, what’s wrong with you? “What? You had a fight?! Lillian, get my pistol. “Who you have a fight with? “What? A disco? With Deney Terrio? “Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio? “And Jimmie Walker? And your lips? And you shot… “What? Lillian, Eddie had a fight in a disco with Deney Terrio “and shot Jimmie Walker. “He shot him in the lips, Lil. “Eddie, why’d you shoot Jimmie Walker in his lips? “I like Good Times. “Oh, you took a shot in your lips? “And you look like Jimmie Walker? Oh, that’d do it. “Who punched you in the lips? Italian? For what? “What you mean ‘nothing’? Nobody get punched for nothing. What’d you do? “Don’t tell me ‘nothing’. You had to do something. “What did you do? No, don’t tell me ‘nothing’. “Nobody gets punched for nothing. What…? Eddie… “No, don’t say ‘nothing’. Eddie. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing “Had to do something “Motherfucker punched you in the mouth “Now, what did you do? What? “Eddie. No… Eddie, then it’s something that you did a long time ago. “Didn’t I always tell you, you reap what you sow? Yes. “What goes around comes around, Eddie. “Yes, that’s why that man punch you in your mouth tonight, “for something you did a long time ago. “Yes, Eddie. Well, you give what you get. “You get what you give. That’s why that man… “Eddie. What do you mean, you don’t remember what you did? “He probably punched you for something you did “when you was living here. “I didn’t catch everything that you did. I worked all day, you played all day. “Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1971? “It was you! Yes, it was. That’s why that man kick your ass tonight. “I’d appreciate if you go up and tell him that your father says ‘Thank you.’ “Save me a trip to California. Because you never respect me. “You never listen to what I tell you to do. “I put rules on the refrigerator and you never obey my rules. “Me and your mother want respect. “You, Charlie and Vernon could not respect me and your mother. “All we wanted was some respect. All we asked for was a little respect. “How come you can’t respect me? How come? “I’m a man. I want respect. I want respect, Eddie. “What we want Baby, you got it “What we need I know you got it “Because all I’m asking “ls for a little respect, motherfucker “When you come on home, baby Hold on a minute. “The kiss is sweeter than honey “R-E-S-Z-C-P Find out what you mean to me “R-E-C-C-T-T-P “Motherfucker, you know how to spell it! “Respect. You never had no respect for me, Eddie. “That’s why the man kick your ass. And when I was a child, “I respect my parents. And we didn’t have shit. Okay? “I had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers and sisters didn’t have shit. “I had 11 brothers and sisters, Eddie. My father made 13 cents a week. “He worked at the Coleco toy factory, Eddie, and made 13 cents a week. “That’s not a lot of money when you have 11 children. “We didn’t have all the fancy things like you, Charlie and Vernon. “We didn’t have fancy luxuries like food. “What the fuck you gonna eat on 13 cents a week? “We had to eat whatever my father brought home from work. “We ate the toys, Eddie. “We ate the toys and we never complained, “because my mother could cook her ass off. “My mother get some hot sauce and some salt and pepper, “make a Tonka truck taste so delicious. “The wheels will melt in your mouth, Eddie. “And you appreciate it. You never complained. “It was all for one and one for all. We stuck together. “I only hurt my brothers and sisters once. “I came home from school and my mother had made “a birthday feast for my father. “She had cooked and slaved over the stove all day “and made enough food for 13 people to feast on “for my father for his birthday and I sat down and ate it all by myself. “I ate it all, Eddie, by myself. And my father came inside the kitchen, “put his little birthday hat on and he looked at all the children. “He had a tear in his eye and he said, ‘Which one of you kids sat down ‘and ate a whole fucking game of Monopoly by yourself?’ “And I ate it all, Eddie! “Boardwalk, Park Place, Illinois Avenue, “the shoe, the boat, the hat, the cannon, “Connecticut Avenue, Luxury Tax, “Eddie, I even ate those cheap purple motherfuckers after ‘Go’… “…that nobody buys. I ate them. “I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue. Yes, I did. “I did, and I sat down and ate my father’s birthday cake too. “No, we couldn’t afford a cake. “It was two Etch-A-Sketches on top of each other. “Two Etch… Etch-A-Sketch cake. That’s right. “We couldn’t afford no icing, “so my mother would write ‘Happy Birthday Pop’ on the Etch-A-Sketch. “Know how you made a wish? You shook it till the words disappeared, “then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch. “And that was your birthday cake. And we never complained. “We were happy to get that. All for one and one for all. “We would get dressed to go to school. Let me tell you about our clothes. “We had to wear whatever my father brought home from work, Eddie. “We wore the toys! “Each day my mother would wake up and open 11 Twister games, Eddie. “She would roll the Twister mats on the floor. “Me and my 11 brothers and sisters “would wrap the Twister mats around our body like a suit. “Then we get a Hot Wheels racetrack and put that around our waist as a belt. “And if there was no Hot Wheels, we used Johnny Lightning. “And if there was no Johnny Lightning, we ripped up a Hula Hoop “and put that around our waist. But we went to school, goddamn it. “Other children would make fun of us because we got on Twister suits. “And it’s no fun to get your ass kicked in a Twister mat. “Right foot, blue. Left hand, red, Eddie. It was a goddamn game to these kids. “I’m standing on the corner, “a motherfucker is spinning the spinner and kicking my ass, Eddie. “Then I gotta go to school and watch the other children eat real food. “I gotta watch them eat peanut butter and jelly, bologna and Swiss, “ham and cheese. I got a goddamn Silly Putty sandwich. “Then, for dessert, they’re gonna pull out a Hostess cupcake “and I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky? “A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie, I ate so many Slinkys, “every time I hear the motherfucking Slinky song, “it make me sick to my stomach. “They walk downstairs Alone and in pairs “And make a clinkety sound “A thing, a thing, a marvelous thing Everyone knows it’s Slinky “A Slinky, a Slinky A wonderful, wonderful toy “A Slinky, a Slinky They’re fun for a girl and a boy” Bye-bye, I gotta go. Thank you. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/todd-barry-spicy-honey-2017-full-transcript/ | TODD BARRY: SPICY HONEY (2017) – Full Transcript | todd barry | [fire crackling] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Todd Barry. [applause and cheering] Thank you. Oh, my God. -[cheering continues]
-[Todd] Ooh.
[Todd] Oh yeah, that’s how you do it. Oh, my God. Thank you. Aah! Nothing like that comedy special applause… that you only got when you do a comedy special… [laughter] and never ever, ever else. Kind of a typical Todd Barry front row– Actually, not… Some women. [laughter] A typical Todd Barry front row is guy by himself, empty chair… guy by himself, empty chair with a graphic novel on it… [laughter] guy by himself, Pop-Tart. [laughter] Guy brings a Pop-Tart from home. Puts it on the unsold seat… because his social skills are a bit questionable. One might call him a dweeb. [laughter] You guys are a good crowd. No one’s texting. That’s good. Sometimes I see someone texting in the crowd, I’ll call them out, and they say, “It’s an emergency.” “It’s an emergency.” One of those really urgent emergencies, where you don’t have to leave a comedy show. [laughter] What kind of texting emergencies happen at a comedy show? “Hey, Bob, your house is on fire.” “I’ll tell you what’s on fire… [laughter] the comedy stylings of a young man named Todd Barry.” [laughter] “Seriously, someone’s been killed.” “No one is killing harder than Todd.” [laughter] “I don’t want to read another word about my house… now that Todd Barry is “in the house” and is, in fact, tearing down the house. He’s so amazing. It sucks that I’m at this show, and you’re at my burning house.” [laughter] How does that even happen? It’s weird. Anyway, call the fire department.” I’ve got to get back to the show. It’s so amazing. I called a woman out for texting. She says, “I’m not texting, I’m Googling you.” [laughter] Googling me? What are you trying to find out, if maybe I’m doing a show in town or something? “Oh, wow, this guy does stand up comedy. That’s a coincidence. [laughter] I wonder if he’s funny. Ooh, there’s a clip. [laughs] This guy… You’re funny. I have to catch you live some time. I’ll check your tour dates… Ooh, tonight… Oh that’s really close by.” Audiences can be rough, not just for comedians… My girlfriend’s an actor. This is a true story. She’s doing a play… Front row center at the play, in the middle of the play, a woman pulls out an iPad, starts using it. Middle of the play… Not an iPad Mini… That would have been fine. [laughter] I’m talking about a full-size iPad. Third generation… You know, the heavy one. They sent an usher to talk to this woman… Before he got there, the woman did the right thing… She dimmed the iPad. [laughter] That’s why she thought he was walking over. It’s like, “Oh yeah, I know, it’s a little intense. Tell you what, I’ll meet them halfway. There you go. I can still play my Solitaire… they can still do that thing they’ve been rehearsing for a year and a half.” [laughter]
Maybe she got pressured into the iPad. Maybe she was at the Apple Store, talking to the salesman, like, “I don’t know. Do I need this? What can I do with it?” “You can do a lot of stuff.” -“Like what?” -“You can surf the web, you can check your email… -Let’s say, you’re at a play… -[audience laughs] you don’t want to watch it anymore… [laughter] What do you do in that situation, huh? Watch it anyway? My God, that’s bananas. Whip this baby out, make your own fun.” She was like, “I can never do that with my laptop. That would be rude.” [laughter] My girlfriend’s cool. Falls asleep mid-conversation with me. She’ll fall asleep for two seconds, then want to tell me about a crazy dream she had… [laughter] We’ll be having a mundane conversation, -“Hey, want to get Thai food later?” -“Yeah that sounds…” “Oh, my God.” -[laughter] -[Todd exhales] -“What’s wrong?” -“I had the craziest dream.” -“When? Last night?” -“No, just now.” [laughter] -“While you were blinking?” -“That wasn’t blinking.” “That was full on Stage Four REM sleep.” [laughter] “What happened in the dream?” “I’ll tell you what happened, you and I slowly crawled through all 50 states.” [laughter] “All 50 of them? Slowly? Wow. I think that was probably a quick crawl.” She was like, “Nope that was… Oh, my God, I just had another crazy dream.” -“What happened in this one?” -“You and I counted all the grapes.” [laughter] -“In our refrigerator?” -“No, all the grapes.” [laughter] “We counted all the world’s grapes?”
My girlfriend got me to watch an entire season of Project Runway. [soft cheering] She goes, “We’re going to watch a whole season.” I was like, “Alright, I guess.” Two episodes in, I’m like, “Seriously? A yellow belt and yellow shoes? [laughter] What are you thinking, Aaron? Do you want to win this?” [laughter] You’re a good crowd. I might do an extra 10 seconds for you guys. [laughter] I said that recently onstage, “I might do an extra 10 seconds…” A guy in the audience said what I thought was, “Make it funny.” [laughter] So, I started insulting the guy. He’s like, “Why are you doing that?” “Because I said I’d do an extra 10 seconds. -You said, ‘Make it funny.’ ” -He goes, “I said, ‘Make it 20.’ ” [laughter] I had to apologize for the first time in my life… [laughter] on or off stage. [laughter] I did an interview recently for Canadian Public Radio. In the interview, I referred to myself as the hottest comic on the planet. [laughter] And I kind of laughed when I said it. The guy laughed… A few hours later, I went on the internet, a woman had posted that quote. Next to it, she wrote, “This is why I avoid male comedians from the US and Canada.” [laughter] Because you don’t understand jokes? [laughter] Seems like a really solid reason… to avoid all comedians. Not sure why you’re so specific. “Because of this quote, I’ll be avoiding comedians of one gender from only two countries in the entire world. And as I continue to hear more jokes and not get them… I will be adding more countries.” [laughter] And ladies, watch yourselves. I am not the hottest comic on the planet. It’s not going to happen. Not motivated enough. You got to be motivated to get really big. I’m not motivated. I don’t even like motivated people, they bum me out. [laughter] I heard a guy talking once, he’s like, “I like to make goals.” I was like, “Alright, calm down. [laughter] Let’s make that your next goal.” [laughter] To bring it on down.” He’s like, “You know once I achieve a goal, I immediately make another goal.” Oh, I like the sound of that. Sounds like the perfect way to never enjoy your life. “It’s just one goal after the other, no space between them. That way, I walk around disappointed 24/7… by choice.” I make goals too. When I achieve a goal, I buy a two pound bag of Doritos. And I savor them as I think about my latest accomplishment. [vocalizing] Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmh. “Sure did a good job loading up that dishwasher. [laughter] But, I can’t rest on that. I’ve got to make another goal. Paper towels running low. Two weeks from today…” Just moved into a new apartment, hired a professional home organizer. She was tough. She wanted me to throw stuff out. I was like, “Nice try. That’s not organizing. [laughter] That is throwing stuff out.” Huge difference between organizing and throwing stuff out. I would never pay someone $400 to help me throw stuff out. I know what a garbage can looks like. I will pay someone $400 to help me organize the stuff… I should probably throw out. I saw a home organizer on TV make this suggestion: she said, “Take all the clothes in your closet, line them up in the same direction. When you take something out to use it, put it back in the opposite direction. And at the end of a year, only keep what’s in the opposite direction.” Anyone who can follow through on that system… [laughter] is already the world’s most organized person. [laughter] There’s now a guy who’s knee-deep in hamster skeletons. [laughter] He’s like, “Allow me to show you what I did with my closets.” [laughter] Some of my “never been washed ever” clothes are in one direction. Others are in the opposite direction. Those are the only items I’m keeping. Everything else has got to go… really soon… in a year.”
There’s a best-selling book about home organizing, I think it’s called, The Life Changing Art of Tidying Up, something like that, written by a Japanese woman. Her main philosophy is to take everything you own, you look at it one by one and go, “Does this bring me joy?” And if the answer is no, you get rid of it. Based on that, I’ll be burning my apartment to the ground… [laughter] with me in it. [laughter] “Does this bring me joy?” You can’t ask that question when you’re a hoarder. “Does this bring me joy? It’s a copy of AOL for Dummies. [laughter] Back on the shelf… [laughter] next to EarthLink for Dummies. Keeping them organized.” Anyone have roommates? You have roommates, sir? Sir. This is gonna be a problem. It’s a huge mistake I’m making right now. You have roommates? [scattered laughter] Never mind. -[laughter] -[Todd giggles] [laughter continues] No time to figure out what’s going on there. [laughter] I live alone, of course. Too old, too famous to have roommates. Not sure where the joke was there. [laughter] I never liked roommates. Even when I was younger I didn’t like them. I know people who loved having roommates. They described these living situations that sounded horrible to me, but they’d be smiling. Like, “It’s pretty great.There’s six of us in a one bedroom apartment. Bands come through town on tour, so we invite them to stay with us.” Eww. [laughter] “Why are you doing that?” Because they travel for work? Lots of people travel for work. How come you’re not, “Sometimes there’s an insurance convention in town, so we invite a pack of Liberty Mutual agents to stay…” I’d never let a band stay with me, I don’t care what band it was.
If The Beatles were still around and wanted to come over to my place for 10 minutes, I wouldn’t let them. I know what that would be like. “Paul, what are you doing, man? Don’t go through my shit.” What, Ringo? No, you can’t have my WiFi password. [laughter] Dip into your 4G, motherfucker. [laughter] You’re in The Beatles.” You guys are all over that 4G line. Huh? [laughter] “Beatles, I don’t know who they are, but 4G, ooh… Something current… we can sink our teeth into.” I was walking around in New York City, I walked past one of our many vocal drug dealers. [laughter] He was doing the usual pitch. He’s like, “Weed, cocaine, weed, cocaine.” I kept walking, he was like, “Hey, don’t be bashful, now.” [laughter] “Yeah, that’s what you’re picking up on. Shyness. It stops me from doing everything I really want to do. It stopped me from asking a girl to prom in high school, now, it’s stopping me from buying cocaine from a guy leaning against a falafel truck. [laughter] I’m bashful. You have heroine too? I’m introverted. [laughter] Crystal meth? Hey, not for this timid fella.” [laughter] I love the idea of a bashful guy buying drugs on the street… inching his way up to the drug dealer, [laughter] [high-pitched voice] “Excuse me… [laughter] are you the… criminal who sells the drugs? I want to buy some drugs, but… I’m embarrassed. I have a really ugly wallet. [laughter] I got it on Overstock.com. It’s got little soccer balls on it. I don’t even like soccer. It cost me $0.75. And I want drugs… [laughter] and I’m bashful.” You’re loving that joke, huh, sir? This guy was like…Aah! A little fool… Aah! I’m fucking with you, sir. [laughter] Dollar pizza places opening up everywhere. Oh, yeah. [hoots from audience] I feel guilty going to the dollar pizza place. Too cheap. If I’m at the dollar pizza place and I see a guy ask for a napkin, I’m like, “Oh, no you don’t. [laughter] Dick move. [laughter] Says “pizza for a dollar,” not “pizza plus free napkin.” This guy will be out of business in two minutes. Reach into your pocket, hand him another nickel. Stay away from that garlic powder… [laughter] or I’ll kill you.” [laughter] I had a fun experience at the dollar pizza place recently, I ordered my slice, the guy put it on the counter, I quickly handed him a dollar, but I dropped the dollar… right onto the slice. [laughter] So now I’m looking down at a dollar slice… with one topping. [laughter] An actual dollar. It looked like the perfect cover for New York Magazine’s Cheap Eats issue. [laughter] [scattered applause] It left me with a real dilemma, because I’m a germaphobe. But I’m more afraid of paying two dollars for a one dollar slice of pizza. [laughter] So, I did the classy thing. I stared the guy down… until he gave me a new slice. [laughter] Then I walked away, pretending I didn’t know he would pass off the filthy slice to someone else. [laughter] ‘Cause that’s what you’ve got to do when your profit margin is .0001% Can’t be like, “We’ll just throw this one out. No, someone’s going to get it. And it ain’t gonna be me. Unless the guy ahead of me also dropped a dollar on his slice. [laughter] In that highly unlikely scenario, the whole thing would blow up in my face. [laughter] What comes after the pizza jokes? I forgot. Oh yeah, I remember. [laughter] [woman cackles] Don’t worry, That’ll be cut out. [laughter] Everyone at home will be like, “How did he know what to do after the pizza joke? [laughter] I feel like that would be a roadblock.” Thinking about that pizza. It fucking seamlessly went right into the next… Oh my God. Wow! I am a germaphobe. People disgust me all the time. I was on a flight recently, this guy was trying to figure out how to get his bag in the overhead, but he had his phone in one hand. He was very confused. He was going, “What do I do here? [laughter] A two-handed job. [laughter] But, I’ve got the phone in one hand. [laughter] I know what I can do…” Shoved it in his mouth. [laughter] Option one: Shove it in your mouth. [laughter] Maybe he was looking down the aisle, saw all those people waiting to board, and was like, “I want this flight leaving on time and my pocket’s all the way down there. [laughter] Look who we got right here, ready to work. [laughter] There’s still a lot of room in there. I could have totally packed my hiking boots.” I saw a bunch of boy scouts at the airport, like, a hundred boy scouts… You can go 30 years without seeing one boy scout. Then there’s 100 of them at the airport. “Wow, I thought y’all were out of business. Where are you off to? Getting on a plane to go camping? That’s weird.” [laughter] I was a boy scout for three weeks, never made it to the booking a flight phase of that experience. [laughter] I really was a boy scout for three weeks, and they did uniform inspection. They’re like, “You’re not wearing regulation socks.” I said, “I’m sorry about that. Also, I quit. [laughter] That’s all I need to know about this organization. A 50 year old dude just walked up to an 11 year old… and insulted his socks. It’s creepy, I’m out here, I’m an artist.” [laughter] You’ll see, Scout Master. Forty years from now, I’ll be doing a comedy special… I don’t know what network. [laughter] Yes, I did sign the contract already. And still don’t know the answer to that question. [laughter] No one’s told me that. I know, it’s kind of strange.” [laughter] Took a vacation, went to Guatemala… Saw some stuff I’ve never seen before, saw a volcano for the first time. That was beautiful. What else did I see? Oh, guys riding mopeds down rocky roads, steering with just one hand… because they’re holding a baby with the other. [laughter] I saw that so many times, it stopped bothering me. [laughter] First time you see it, it’s like, “My God, look at that lunatic, he’s holding a baby riding a moped.” Second time, you’re like, “Oh, my God, what a crazy coincidence, for only the second time in my entire life… and just two seconds after the other time, [laughter] I’m seeing a guy riding a moped holding a baby.” Third time you see it, it’s like, “So many cute babies here in Guatemala.” [laughter] And then, yes, you rent a moped. You know where you take it, the adoption agency. Adopt yourself a little cutie pie, go for a spin. [laughter] “Oh, yeah. I get it now. Whoa! It’s about living on the edge. It’s about making a baby live on the edge… while I remain relatively safe. I love my little thrill-seeker. His twin brother’s pretty cute also. I’m holding two babies. [laughter] The whole time, I’ve been holding two babies.” The only people who knew that were the forensics experts in the crowd. They’re like, “I actually knew that by the curve of the arm. There’s no way that would be one baby. I study this kind of shit. I know. But, I mean, most people don’t know it.” Good coffee in Guatemala. Mmm. I took a two and a half hour tour of a coffee farm when I was there. Oh my God, it’s so complicated growing coffee. So much has to happen between planting it to when it’s sitting next to someone while they’re writing a terrible screenplay, [laughter] dreadful short story… or I’m sitting there writing some amazing, flawless comedy. [laughter] I was in Portland, Oregon looking for a coffee shop. Went on Yelp. I found a review of a place, where they said, “The baristas here are presumptuous.” [laughter] “I don’t think that’s what you meant to say.” Presumptuous… “May I get you something to drink?” “Whoa! [laughter] Easy, Tiger. Damn, what did I do to deserve that, huh? You blindsided me. A guy walks into a coffee shop, gets in the coffee line… ‘May I get you something to drink?’ I was warned about you. [laughter] So presumptuous. And the little waxed mustache, a little pretentious.” Yeah, that was the word he meant to use. I saw a guy walk into a coffee shop, holding a cup of coffee… from a different coffee shop. I could not imagine being that ballsy. [laughter] Just walking in there going, “Yeah.” “Well, well, well… What do we have here? It looks like someone else is in the coffee business too. Huh? [laughter] Just like these nice folks across the street. Tell you what, they probably have the best coffee, but good news, you have better tables and chairs. [laughter] So, I’m going to sit down with their superior coffee and use your free WiFi for four hours. You want to serve me a drink? I’d love a glass of water. Then, I’m going to use your bathroom ten times. What’s in it for you? The big payoff at the end, when I ask you to watch my stuff while I go across for a refill.”
Someone told me at good coffee shops they don’t like you to add anything to the coffee, they find it insulting. I asked a barista about this. He’s like, “Yeah it’d be like adding sugar to red wine.” “Would it be like adding sugar to coffee? [laughter] Or do we have to use your ridiculous example? [laughter] “It would be like playing racquetball with a ferret.” [laughter] “My, oh my, that’s stupid. Fill it to the top.” This guy really said this to me. “It’d be like adding sugar to red wine, except that no one’s ever thought of doing that. What I asked you about, ten million people do every hour. Also, there’s a bowl of sugar right here. Yes, my finger is in it. Look, I’m swishing it around. I didn’t come here with sugar, how did it get here? Oh, you put it out? Am I supposed to make banana bread or something? Oh, It’s for the coffee. Ooh, I’m confused.” A guy approached me after a show once. He was like, “Todd you’re not going to want to hear this, but… there was someone in history who did put sugar in their red wine. I was like, “Alright, who’s that?” He goes, “Hitler.” “Okay. I’m going to keep doing the joke. [laughter] I’m going to take my chances that you’re one of very few people who would call me out and correct me… with that obscure trivia about Hitler. And I’ve got to ask, how many biographies of Hitler did you read… before that was brought up? ‘Oh, there’s this one other thing about Hitler… [laughter] You don’t want to bring him to a wine bar.'” [laughter] So few comedians can combine three hours of coffee jokes into a Hitler joke. [laughter] [exhales] [softly] That was good. [laughter] Did you have dinner tonight, sir? What did you have? -Buffalo wings -Buffalo wings. Oh, my God. Solid. [laughter] At a sports bar? At a sports bar. Holy shit. [laughter] I’m acting like that was an amazing guess… when it’s the only place that serves buffalo wings. Which sauce? -Just regular. -Regular. Oh my God. I didn’t realize my fans were pussies. [laughter and applause] [man cackles] I don’t think I’ve ever used that word that way. [laughter] I almost didn’t, but you were so fucking delighted by it. [laughter]
I don’t eat right. Some people eat worse than I do. I saw a guy eating lunch by himself. He had a burger, fries, milkshake and a beer. Burger and fries looked delicious. Milkshake and a beer was a little confusing… even if you don’t care about your health. The guy’s like, “Yeah, burger, fries… Milkshake. Yeah, I’ll have a beer also. [laughter] Yeah, both… No, no… [laughter] Trust me, I have a good feeling about this.” [laughter] He’s like, “Alright, milkshake… Mmm. Strawberry, my favorite. Mmm. Suddenly the worst beer I’ve ever had in my life. [laughter] At least I found the quick and easy way to take in 45000 calories.” [laughter] I’m a picky eater. Any picky eaters here tonight? [audience hoots] A woman raised her hand. You’ve got to reward politeness. [laughter] You’re picky? What won’t you eat? Sesame seeds. Sesame seeds. That’s your opening… [laughter] That’s her opening. You know about sesame seeds? They’re completely flavorless and innocuous… [laughter] Number one food pet peeve. [laughter] Sesame seeds… [laughter] I’ve got to hear the next one. [laughter] -Curry. -Curry. [laughter] Okay. Alright, one more. [laughter] -Um… Peppercorns. -Peppercorns? [laughter] Why do you hate Asian people so much? [laughter] There’s no room for that in my audience. [laughter] How cool would that be if I had her thrown out? [laughter] [mumbles] It’s because of the sesame seeds. I’m a picky eater.
I have three categories of food: Foods I like… foods I don’t like, but I understand why people like them, then there are foods that baffle me. Food I like, let’s pick an easy one. Pizza. Yum, delicious. No need for further discussion. Second category, sushi. Don’t like it. I totally get why people like it, though. What a beautiful, beautiful, awful-tasting food that is. [laughter] I remember the one time I tried it 17 years ago at the Cincinnati Airport. [laughter] I did not enjoy it. No second chances for sushi. [laughter] You blew it, sushi. I gave you every opportunity to be good with that quarter of a bite that I took and spit out immediately. Third category: foods that baffle me. Egg salad. If I’m at a diner and I see someone order egg salad, all I can think is, “So you read all 75 pages of that menu? [laughter] And that’s the item that popped?” [laughter] “Oh, honey, look what I found. [laughter] A little diamond in the rough. [laughter] Top of page 59. Flip ahead. [laughter] Cold, smelly eggs. I’m sorry, cold, smelly, disgusting eggs. [laughter] I got so excited, I read that wrong. [laughter] Smashed together with cold, awful mayonnaise, also made with cold, smelly eggs. Served on… Mm, mm, mm, mm, mmh… white bread. [laughter] Baby, this is why we go to restaurants.” I told that joke once, and when I said the part about getting sushi at the Cincinnati Airport, two women up front started talking to each other. I was like, “What’s going on?” She was like… “Why would you get sushi at the Cincinnati Airport?” Ooh, good eye. [laughter] I better rewrite that one. Huh? [laughter] Mmmm… I’ll say Tokyo from now on. [laughter] You know, to make it a better joke. [laughter] She was dumb. [laughter] She was dumb. [laughter] Mm, mm, mm. Wow. Couples here? You guys a couple? Yeah? Ever get massages together? No? Why not? [woman] He’s not big on massages. He’s not big on massages? Okay. Well, definitely don’t compromise and do some. [laughter] You think she wanted to eat fucking buffalo wings tonight? [laughter] [applause] [softly] Wow. [sighs] There’s not a lot of feminists left in this world. [laughter] [softly] Just me. I had a girlfriend a while back. We got foot massages at a Chinese Foot Spa. I thought that would be romantic. We walked in there, tranquil music was playing, She sat in a chair, I sat in a chair next to her. A woman walked over, started gently massaging my girlfriend’s feet. A guy walked over, started punching my feet… [laughter] really hard… for a while. Until, at some point, I had to go “Hey, buddy… I might need you to stop.” Not something I was anticipating saying when I thought about getting a foot massage. “I’m going to get a foot massage, better get a safe word ready.” [laughter] So I thought the massage was over for me, but then the woman looks at the guy, looks back at me, and she’s like… “He and I can switch, if you like.” “Oh, I do like. I like the way you work. You have a light touch, and you’re a problem-solver. Get over here, feather fingers. Sir, beat the shit out of my girlfriend’s feet.” [laughter] You’ve got to splurge in life. I bought a $14 bar of soap once. Saw this in the store, just stopped in my tracks. Heard a voice from above. [in a deep voice] “Todd, it’s time.” [laughter] “Time for what?” “Time to go to the next level.” “Next level in what?” “In how much you spend on soap.” “Oh, I didn’t expect that to be the next level.” “It is, Todd. What do you think successful people spend on soap? I’ll tell you, $14 a bar. Buy it, Todd, it will get you singing in the shower.” So I bought it. Totally got me singing in the shower. Got me singing things like, ♪ Ooh what was I thinking ♪ ♪ I should have bought Dove ♪ ♪ Let me rephrase that The CVS house brand of Dove ♪ ♪ It would be The identical soap experience ♪ ♪ I’m having now ♪ ♪ The only big difference is I’d have 23 more bars waiting for me ♪ [laughter] ♪ What a colossal waste of money ♪ I told that joke at a club once. When I said Dove soap, a table in the back cheered. [laughter] I was like,”You don’t work for Dove soap do you?” She was like, “Yes, we do.” [laughter] Long story short, made them send me a case of soap. [laughter] And I’m not lying, they sent me a big old box of soap. I would call it an uncomfortable amount of soap. [laughter] I like getting free stuff, but I’d like to explore other soap options… [laughter] before my 700th birthday. [laughter] But you do get free shit when your a celebrity, and…. I’ll ask for it, too. [laughter] If I meet someone, they tell me what business they’re in, I want their product, I just go… “Give it to me.” [laughter] It works sometimes. I’m going to hook myself up with some stuff right now. Sir, what do you do? Unemployed. All right. [laughter] Pretty good seat for an unemployed person. [laughter] I told them specifically, people with jobs only. [laughter] What kind of job do you want? I want to be a stand up– You want to be a stand up comedian? Oh my God. So, I’m giving you a gift tonight. [laughter] Alright, well… Do you, do you do stand up now? [man] Yes, I go to open mics. You go to open mics. Alright, that’s the way you do it. Alright… You’re bumming out this whole crowd. [laughter] Just for the future, comedians don’t sit up front. [laughter] [inaudible] Regular people… Comedians. I didn’t hook myself up with anything.
Sir, what about you? [man] I work for a record label. You work for a record label? Oh my God. [laughter] Get me a free Spotify account. [laughter] [mumbling] Aw…that wasn’t… I think that’s the most hurtful thing I’ve ever said to anyone. [laughter] Why did you say Spotify? What label do you work for? Sacred Bones. Sacred Bones? Oh my God. Heavy Metal label? No. Folk? [laughter] There’s some folk on the label? No there isn’t. [man] Dark Folk. Dark Folk. Holy shit. [laughter] Super slick answer, man. Who’s your biggest act? David Lynch. David Lynch? My favorite singer. [laughter] Actually, him and Martin Scorsese are my… two favorite recording artists. This guy doesn’t know what a record label is. He works for a film distribution company, and he’s like… “Is this a record label?” “Have we ever talked about records here?” [laughter] I forgot why I started. Anyway, free records, thank you. [laughter] Let’s do another CVS joke. “Oh, shit, Todd.” -“Seriously?” -Yeah. I live near a big CVS. Walked in their recently. Perfectly timed. Just as a guy was asking if they sold sausages. [laughter] -I was two feet into the store here. -Do you sell sausages? I was like,”Ooh… This might be an unexpectedly delightful trip… to CVS. Let’s see how this plays out.” -“No sir, we don’t sell sausages.” -“You don’t?” Ooh, he’s surprised… [laughter] that CVS does not sell sausages. I guess when he walked in and saw ten types of bed pans for sale… it’s like, “This is the place to get kielbasa.” [laughter] When he’s there refilling his son’s lice-killing shampoo prescription… it’s like, “It’d be crazy to leave here without some chorizo.” [laughter] I memorized two sausages for that joke. [laughter] Shoes are untied. Fuck, what do you do? Are you gonna–? Yeah, I actually do. [applause] Double knot? No, that’s good, man. [laughter] You redeemed yourself. [laughter] The last person I would have thought would have done it. [laughter] I asked you a simple question about an hour ago. [laughter] An hour later, you’re tying my shoes for me. [laughter] Oh, my God. That’s better than a free David Lynch album. [laughter] I saw a doctor on TV talking about how to work exercise into your daily life without going to the gym. He had an interesting suggestion. He’s like, “We all make three phone calls a day, right? They last 10 minutes each. Just walk around while you’re making these phone calls. That’s 30 minutes exercise every day.” I said, “I haven’t made three phone calls in the past year and a half. [laughter] They don’t last ten minutes each. But I don’t want to go to the gym, so I will give this a whirl.” Start calling people up. Taking a little walk. “Hello, Hunan Palace? [laughter] I was wondering what kind of food you specialize in. Oh, it is Chinese food? Okay. No need to yell. What time are you open until? Is it fun being open until 10 o’clock? If you couldn’t be open until 10, when you be open until? No, this is not a prank call. I’m working out. And I’ve got to say, not really feeling a burn yet. I need you to hang tight for another eight and a half minutes. I have more questions. So, you’re stranded on a desert island… You can only bring one Sheryl Crow album. [laughter] You’re damn right, Greatest Hits.” [laughter] I never dropped my phone in the toilet. That’s a good thing. If someone tells me they dropped their phone in the toilet, their next sentence has to be, “So, of course I left it in the toilet… [laughter] because it wouldn’t even occur to me to reach into a toilet… to avoid buying a new phone.” Some people say, “But I put it in a bowl of dry rice after.” Oh, the way a surgeon preps his scalpels. [laughter] I think I saw a show about that on the Discovery Channel. It’s called Uncooked Rice: Nature’s Disinfectant. I asked this woman if she ever dropped her phone in a toilet. She goes, “I did, but there was no pee in there.” Really? Never? [laughter] That is the luckiest series of events ever. They’re installing a new toilet… you’re first in line. Mayor cuts the ribbon… The glare from the scissors blinds you. You slip, you fall, you drop that phone. Where does it end up? Aah, the crystal clear waters… [laughter] of an innocent virgin toilet. This friend of mine still uses a BlackBerry. I said, “Have you thought of getting an iPhone? He goes, “I want to get one, but I’m afraid of getting robbed. I don’t want to get robbed.” Like he’s going to buy one, and then that day, an emergency meeting of iPhone thieves will be called. Leader’s up there, “All right fellas, I got some great news for you… I know we’ve stolen lots of iPhones in the past few years, but never have I been able to say… tonight we are stealing Reggie Baumstein’s iPhone.” [laughter] “Come on Boss, don’t tease us. Reggie Baumstein uses a BlackBerry. [laughter] We’ve been on that guy’s trail for years.” “I know we have, fellas, but I got the fax this morning. Reggie made the switch.” Like downloading apps. That’s fun. Right? Hell, yeah. Sometimes I try to think up apps, to see if they even exist. Like, I wanted a big clock app for my phone, so I could put it on the stool sometimes, and look at it to make sure I didn’t do one second more than I was supposed to. So, I put in the search bar, I put in “Big Clock”. What came up? An app called “Huge Clock”. [laughter] [applause] Even people who have seen Big Ben are like, “Oh my God.” “It pales in comparison.” It’s a good gig for me. I’m making a ton of money. [laughter] All the bar money, too. It all goes to me. The whole thing. If you had drinks tonight, I get all that money. No, I’m not Jimmy Buffett. Someone told me Jimmy Buffett is so powerful in the music industry, he actually gets part of the bar money when he plays an arena. I guess you can do that when you’re Jimmy Buffett, though. You know? Just go into the promoters office before the tour, and like, “You know, there’s a song I’ve been doing for 45 years… it’s called “Margaritaville.” Really gets people drinking. I don’t think I’m doing it this tour.” “Well, I wish you would.” “Alright. Half the bar money.” [laughter] People do ask me how much money I make, though. Happens all the time. I get it. It’s a weird job. They’re curious. But I can always tell when they’re going to ask. They’ll be like, “Todd, what do you do for a living?” “I’m a comedian.” “Oh! [laughter] Good money in that? Probably shouldn’t ask, but do you make an okay living doing that?” “It’s totally wrong for me to ask, but I won’t stop myself.” “What kind of money do you make doing that?” So, I have to think of a lie, and it can’t be in either extreme. I can’t say I make 10 dollars a year, they won’t believe me. I can’t say I make 100 million a year, they won’t believe me. I have to figure out what their estimate is, then add just enough… to drive them crazy. [laughter] I thought of the perfect amount. I say I make about $940,000 a year. [laughter] “No. Seriously? [laughter] There is no way… Are you fucking with me? [laughter] Honey, you think this guy makes $940,000 a year? I mean… if he was lying, he would have said a million, right? [laughter] This guy makes 940 K. Good on him.” Here’s the twist in that joke, that is what I make. [laughter] Joke had a twist in it, people. It’s like, The Crying Game of jokes. [laughter] That’s my only point of reference for a twist. A movie that 11 people saw 28 years ago. [laughter] Got a great voice. Huh? I’m talking about myself. A woman told me once that my voice is like butter. She goes, “Your voice is like butter.” I played it cool, I didn’t say anything stupid to her. I didn’t say,”Well, your voice is like grilled corn on the cob. [laughter] Some people like it with butter.” I didn’t say, “Your voice is like a stack of pancakes hot off the griddle. You know, before anyone’s put any butter on them.” I didn’t say, “Your voice is like dry toast. Ooh, why is it dry?” I think you know the answer. No butter.” What I did say was, “Ooh, butter’s not really the best thing for you.” I didn’t even say that. I said, “Really? You like my voice? [squeaky voice] Oh, my God, you want to hang out? What are you doing? Where are you going? I don’t understand. Why are you walking away? Don’t you want to hear more of this butter?” Don’t worry about that one. [laughter] Easy cut. [laughter] That was a little treat for you guys. “Seriously, Todd? As a treat you gave us a not-that-great joke?” It’s a hit or miss joke, it’s not a bad one. This guy’s like, “Man, I wish I could take notes.” [laughter] A little jet lag, caught one of those noon red eye flights. [laughter] I call all flights “the red eye”, makes me feel like a real businessman. People love telling you they took the red-eye. “The Red eye’s great. Get on the plane at 1:00 AM. Sit upright for six hours. [laughter] Land in New York at that sweet, sweet time, 4:55 in the morning. [laughter] At work by 8:00, passed out in a conference room by 8:15. [laughter] Looking for new job at 8:30. [laughter] Simply impossible without the red eye. [laughter] I stay in a lot of hotels. Things go wrong in hotels. When things go wrong in hotels and you complain… their favorite way to fix things is to offer you a free breakfast… no matter what the complaint was. “So, Mr. Barry, you opened the door to your room you found a family of eight already in there?” “Yes, that’s true.” “I’ve got some good news for you. Sure, there’s nine of you, but only one of you is getting a free breakfast.” [laughter] You’re going to love looking at those eight sets of jealous eyes… as you’re sitting on the bathroom floor in your room eating microwaved eggs. “So, Mr. Barry, you found six dead dogs in your bed?” “Yes, that’s true.” “Well that must have made you hungry.” [laughter] Why don’t come on down to the front desk, my friend… I’ll give you a coupon good for a free breakfast… conveniently served between four and six a.m. [laughter] You’re a trucker. Right? “I am hauling a big load of amazing jokes from town to town.” [laughter] Went to Chicago. They have a really nice Walgreens in Chicago. They do. They converted an old bank into a Walgreens. It’s beautiful. The vault is the Vitamin section. I walked in there, I was so impressed I went on Twitter and wrote, “I have to give out my first annual Best Walgreens Award.” the winner is Chicago, Milwaukee Avenue location. Some guy writes back immediately. “The cops killed a guy there a year ago.” [laughter] Okay. What do you want me to do now? [laughter] Take the award back? [laughter] A little late for that, my friends. First annual Todd Barry Best Walgreens award. I’m not going to take it back ’cause a guy was shot there a year ago. Didn’t happen while I was in the store. It’s not like I was walking around the candy aisle, and a guy gets gunned down next to me, I’m like… “This is a nice Walgreens.” [laughter] I wonder if that’s the original tile. Stayed at a hotel in Chicago. A few weeks after I stayed there, I got my credit card bill. There was a charge from the hotel that I didn’t recognize… for 100 dollars even. So, I called up the hotel. I go, “What’s going on with this charge?” She’s like, “It looks like something was missing from the room.” “Okay, what’s that?” She goes, “Let me look it up.” “Oh, the bedspread.” [laughter] The bedspread’s missing. “So, you think I stole a hotel bedspread.” [laughter] I don’t steal things from hotels, but if I ever start… I assure you… it will never be the bedspread. I would rip out the carpeting, [laughter] throw it in a backpack, then run through the hallways grabbing stacks of unwashed room service trays… before I stole the most disgusting thing… [laughter] in the entire building. There is no one stealing… a hotel bedspread. Even an actual thief, who needs a bedspread… but can only afford the hotel room, is not standing there going, “Sweetie, we need a bedspread, right? Can we afford one? I think they cost $100 even. [laughter] I got an idea. Open up the suitcase, baby. Is there room for a king size bedspread in there? [laughter] There is? That’s weird. [laughter] Grab this thing… take it home get it sanitized for 200 bucks. [laughter] And the fact that it’s horribly ugly is just a bonus.” [laughter] I’m going to do one more thing. Alright? Here we go. I found this article in Esquire magazine. It’s a men’s magazine with articles like how to get a good gin and tonic at the Houston Airport. [laughter] Anyway… it’s an article written by woman called “How to feel good to a woman.” It’s advice for men on how to make women feel good. I’m now going to read this article. [laughter] And I’m going to insert comments. “Wait Todd, you’re not just going to read? I think that is very artistic.” No, I’m taking it to the next level. This is a real article… called “How to feel good to a woman.” Here we go. “If I’m taking a shower at your place, stack fresh towels, thick and white and fluffy, more than I’ll need.” [laughter] She needs more towels than she needs. [laughter] “I stayed over at Bob’s place yesterday. It was terrible.” -“What happened?” – “I took a shower.” “Oh my God, he didn’t have any towels?” “No, he only had one towel for the one shower I took.” [laughter] “Wait, he only had the perfect amount of towels?” Yes, he had towels in direct proportion to how many towels I needed.” [laughter] Sounds like an asshole. [laughter]
“I’ll need a toothbrush, conditioner…” No toothpaste. [laughter] I’ve used conditioner for many different things, but… never as toothpaste.
“You know that awesome serendipity when you descend into a friend’s basement to watch the game and he’s got the scene set: hot wings, cold beer within arm’s reach, a video console setup for halftime…?” I don’t know what any of that means. First of all, I don’t know anyone who has a basement. That’s weird. A basement. Who the fuck has a basement? And if I did, and I went to their house for the game, I wouldn’t be like “Hey those wings you paid for… they’re not within arm’s reach. [laughter] Not very serendipitous of you.” [laughter] Anyway, she says that, because “that’s how I want to feel in your bathroom.” [laughter]
“Body scrub, new razor. Holy shit, a loofah.” That’d be more like, “Body scrub, new razor. Loofah. Holy shit, he’s gay.” [laughter]
“Kiss me for longer than you can handle…” [laughter] Fair enough on that one, I guess. “even when you know that more is on the way.” Hey. [laughter] I never assume more is on the way. [laughter] “Open mouth and bench the tongue.” Yes, she’s suggesting open-mouth tongueless kisses. [laughter] Sounds fun, right? [vocalizing] [vocalizing continues] [intoning] “Why are we kissing like this?” “I read it in a magazine.” “I got a tongue. It’s on the bench. It’s benched. [muffled] I bench my tongue. This is a good way to kiss. All those years I haven’t been kissing like this.”
“Urgent but not desperate.” Anyone who is urgent and not desperate, not reading this. [laughter]
“Your arms are tight around my back and my waist, and they stay there… [laughter] forever.” Long after we’ve broken up. [laughter] Glad your husband is being so cool about this. [laughter]
“Don’t shave for three days, and then kiss my neck.” [laughter] “Actually, can you shave next time? You scratched me.” [laughter]
“Smell like something all the time. [laughter] Choose a small world and invoke it. Maine… the state, a forest… the wet end of August.” [laughter] I’d try to smell like the wet end of August, if I knew what that meant. [laughter] “It’s warm and damp, and you’re felling trees in a flannel shirt. Moss and sweat and hard won timber. Try Kiehl’s Original Musk Blend Number One, so I can wear it when you’re not around.” Why don’t I get your own bottle, and you never be around. [laughter]
“Now kiss my neck again.” So we went all of August without a neck kiss? [laughter]
“Hold me like nothing can slither between us…” Hey… It was your idea to fuck at the reptile house. [laughter] “…but so I can detach if I want to. I always give women the option to detach if they want to, since the other option is against the law. [laughter] There is no, like, “No, you can’t detach, even though you told me you wanted to.” “The key is in the grip, encompassing but not fierce, one arm around my waist and the other across my shoulders.” -That’s called a hug. Thank you for that. -[laughter] Everyone’s done that.
“Hands are a Goldilocks dilemma.” [laughter] How else would you describe hands? If I had a little nephew, and he was like, “Uncle Todd, what are what are hands?” [laughter] “You remember that dilemma in Goldilocks?” [laughter] “Dilemma, Uncle Todd? I don’t know what hands are.” “They shouldn’t be as soft as mine, but they shouldn’t catch skin either. If they’re oyster-shucking rough, use a drugstore lotion. If they’re too soft, build me a desk from raw wood.” [laughter] “Well Lisa, we’ve been on a couple of nice dates, but… [laughter] not sure we’re to the point where I’m building furniture for you. But I appreciate the wood preference. It’s been noted.”
“Don’t pull my hair. Push it.” [laughter] I’m going to pull it. [laughter] I’m going to overrule you on this one. I’m not going to push your hair. While doing open mouth, tongueless kisses… [vocalizing] Aw, yeah. Ooh, an iguana. [laughter] Goodnight. Thank you. [cheering and applause] | [applause and cheering] Thank you. Oh, my God. -[cheering continues] -[Todd] Ooh. [Todd] Oh yeah, that’s how you do it. Oh, my God. Thank you. Aah! Nothing like that comedy special applause… that you only got when you do a comedy special… [laughter] and never ever, ever else. Kind of a typical Todd Barry front row– Actually, not… Some women. [laughter] A typical Todd Barry front row is guy by himself, empty chair… guy by himself, empty chair with a graphic novel on it… [laughter] guy by himself, Pop-Tart. [laughter] Guy brings a Pop-Tart from home. Puts it on the unsold seat… because his social skills are a bit questionable. One might call him a dweeb. [laughter] You guys are a good crowd. No one’s texting. That’s good. Sometimes I see someone texting in the crowd, I’ll call them out, and they say, “It’s an emergency.” “It’s an emergency.” One of those really urgent emergencies, where you don’t have to leave a comedy show. [laughter] What kind of texting emergencies happen at a comedy show? “Hey, Bob, your house is on fire.” “I’ll tell you what’s on fire… [laughter] the comedy stylings of a young man named Todd Barry.” [laughter] “Seriously, someone’s been killed.” “No one is killing harder than Todd.” [laughter] “I don’t want to read another word about my house… now that Todd Barry is “in the house” and is, in fact, tearing down the house. He’s so amazing. It sucks that I’m at this show, and you’re at my burning house.” [laughter] How does that even happen? It’s weird. Anyway, call the fire department.” I’ve got to get back to the show. It’s so amazing. I called a woman out for texting. She says, “I’m not texting, I’m Googling you.” [laughter] Googling me? What are you trying to find out, if maybe I’m doing a show in town or something? “Oh, wow, this guy does stand up comedy. That’s a coincidence. [laughter] I wonder if he’s funny. Ooh, there’s a clip. [laughs] This guy… You’re funny. I have to catch you live some time. I’ll check your tour dates… Ooh, tonight… Oh that’s really close by.” Audiences can be rough, not just for comedians… My girlfriend’s an actor. This is a true story. She’s doing a play… Front row center at the play, in the middle of the play, a woman pulls out an iPad, starts using it. Middle of the play… Not an iPad Mini… That would have been fine. [laughter] I’m talking about a full-size iPad. Third generation… You know, the heavy one. They sent an usher to talk to this woman… Before he got there, the woman did the right thing… She dimmed the iPad. [laughter] That’s why she thought he was walking over. It’s like, “Oh yeah, I know, it’s a little intense. Tell you what, I’ll meet them halfway. There you go. I can still play my Solitaire… they can still do that thing they’ve been rehearsing for a year and a half.” [laughter] Maybe she got pressured into the iPad. Maybe she was at the Apple Store, talking to the salesman, like, “I don’t know. Do I need this? What can I do with it?” “You can do a lot of stuff.” -“Like what?” -“You can surf the web, you can check your email… -Let’s say, you’re at a play… -[audience laughs] you don’t want to watch it anymore… [laughter] What do you do in that situation, huh? Watch it anyway? My God, that’s bananas. Whip this baby out, make your own fun.” She was like, “I can never do that with my laptop. That would be rude.” [laughter] My girlfriend’s cool. Falls asleep mid-conversation with me. She’ll fall asleep for two seconds, then want to tell me about a crazy dream she had… [laughter] We’ll be having a mundane conversation, -“Hey, want to get Thai food later?” -“Yeah that sounds…” “Oh, my God.” -[laughter] -[Todd exhales] -“What’s wrong?” -“I had the craziest dream.” -“When? Last night?” -“No, just now.” [laughter] -“While you were blinking?” -“That wasn’t blinking.” “That was full on Stage Four REM sleep.” [laughter] “What happened in the dream?” “I’ll tell you what happened, you and I slowly crawled through all 50 states.” [laughter] “All 50 of them? Slowly? Wow. I think that was probably a quick crawl.” She was like, “Nope that was… Oh, my God, I just had another crazy dream.” -“What happened in this one?” -“You and I counted all the grapes.” [laughter] -“In our refrigerator?” -“No, all the grapes.” [laughter] “We counted all the world’s grapes?” My girlfriend got me to watch an entire season of Project Runway. [soft cheering] She goes, “We’re going to watch a whole season.” I was like, “Alright, I guess.” Two episodes in, I’m like, “Seriously? A yellow belt and yellow shoes? [laughter] What are you thinking, Aaron? Do you want to win this?” [laughter] You’re a good crowd. I might do an extra 10 seconds for you guys. [laughter] I said that recently onstage, “I might do an extra 10 seconds…” A guy in the audience said what I thought was, “Make it funny.” [laughter] So, I started insulting the guy. He’s like, “Why are you doing that?” “Because I said I’d do an extra 10 seconds. -You said, ‘Make it funny.’ ” -He goes, “I said, ‘Make it 20.’ ” [laughter] I had to apologize for the first time in my life… [laughter] on or off stage. [laughter] I did an interview recently for Canadian Public Radio. In the interview, I referred to myself as the hottest comic on the planet. [laughter] And I kind of laughed when I said it. The guy laughed… A few hours later, I went on the internet, a woman had posted that quote. Next to it, she wrote, “This is why I avoid male comedians from the US and Canada.” [laughter] Because you don’t understand jokes? [laughter] Seems like a really solid reason… to avoid all comedians. Not sure why you’re so specific. “Because of this quote, I’ll be avoiding comedians of one gender from only two countries in the entire world. And as I continue to hear more jokes and not get them… I will be adding more countries.” [laughter] And ladies, watch yourselves. I am not the hottest comic on the planet. It’s not going to happen. Not motivated enough. You got to be motivated to get really big. I’m not motivated. I don’t even like motivated people, they bum me out. [laughter] I heard a guy talking once, he’s like, “I like to make goals.” I was like, “Alright, calm down. [laughter] Let’s make that your next goal.” [laughter] To bring it on down.” He’s like, “You know once I achieve a goal, I immediately make another goal.” Oh, I like the sound of that. Sounds like the perfect way to never enjoy your life. “It’s just one goal after the other, no space between them. That way, I walk around disappointed 24/7… by choice.” I make goals too. When I achieve a goal, I buy a two pound bag of Doritos. And I savor them as I think about my latest accomplishment. [vocalizing] Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmh. “Sure did a good job loading up that dishwasher. [laughter] But, I can’t rest on that. I’ve got to make another goal. Paper towels running low. Two weeks from today…” Just moved into a new apartment, hired a professional home organizer. She was tough. She wanted me to throw stuff out. I was like, “Nice try. That’s not organizing. [laughter] That is throwing stuff out.” Huge difference between organizing and throwing stuff out. I would never pay someone $400 to help me throw stuff out. I know what a garbage can looks like. I will pay someone $400 to help me organize the stuff… I should probably throw out. I saw a home organizer on TV make this suggestion: she said, “Take all the clothes in your closet, line them up in the same direction. When you take something out to use it, put it back in the opposite direction. And at the end of a year, only keep what’s in the opposite direction.” Anyone who can follow through on that system… [laughter] is already the world’s most organized person. [laughter] There’s now a guy who’s knee-deep in hamster skeletons. [laughter] He’s like, “Allow me to show you what I did with my closets.” [laughter] Some of my “never been washed ever” clothes are in one direction. Others are in the opposite direction. Those are the only items I’m keeping. Everything else has got to go… really soon… in a year.” There’s a best-selling book about home organizing, I think it’s called, The Life Changing Art of Tidying Up, something like that, written by a Japanese woman. Her main philosophy is to take everything you own, you look at it one by one and go, “Does this bring me joy?” And if the answer is no, you get rid of it. Based on that, I’ll be burning my apartment to the ground… [laughter] with me in it. [laughter] “Does this bring me joy?” You can’t ask that question when you’re a hoarder. “Does this bring me joy? It’s a copy of AOL for Dummies. [laughter] Back on the shelf… [laughter] next to EarthLink for Dummies. Keeping them organized.” Anyone have roommates? You have roommates, sir? Sir. This is gonna be a problem. It’s a huge mistake I’m making right now. You have roommates? [scattered laughter] Never mind. -[laughter] -[Todd giggles] [laughter continues] No time to figure out what’s going on there. [laughter] I live alone, of course. Too old, too famous to have roommates. Not sure where the joke was there. [laughter] I never liked roommates. Even when I was younger I didn’t like them. I know people who loved having roommates. They described these living situations that sounded horrible to me, but they’d be smiling. Like, “It’s pretty great.There’s six of us in a one bedroom apartment. Bands come through town on tour, so we invite them to stay with us.” Eww. [laughter] “Why are you doing that?” Because they travel for work? Lots of people travel for work. How come you’re not, “Sometimes there’s an insurance convention in town, so we invite a pack of Liberty Mutual agents to stay…” I’d never let a band stay with me, I don’t care what band it was. If The Beatles were still around and wanted to come over to my place for 10 minutes, I wouldn’t let them. I know what that would be like. “Paul, what are you doing, man? Don’t go through my shit.” What, Ringo? No, you can’t have my WiFi password. [laughter] Dip into your 4G, motherfucker. [laughter] You’re in The Beatles.” You guys are all over that 4G line. Huh? [laughter] “Beatles, I don’t know who they are, but 4G, ooh… Something current… we can sink our teeth into.” I was walking around in New York City, I walked past one of our many vocal drug dealers. [laughter] He was doing the usual pitch. He’s like, “Weed, cocaine, weed, cocaine.” I kept walking, he was like, “Hey, don’t be bashful, now.” [laughter] “Yeah, that’s what you’re picking up on. Shyness. It stops me from doing everything I really want to do. It stopped me from asking a girl to prom in high school, now, it’s stopping me from buying cocaine from a guy leaning against a falafel truck. [laughter] I’m bashful. You have heroine too? I’m introverted. [laughter] Crystal meth? Hey, not for this timid fella.” [laughter] I love the idea of a bashful guy buying drugs on the street… inching his way up to the drug dealer, [laughter] [high-pitched voice] “Excuse me… [laughter] are you the… criminal who sells the drugs? I want to buy some drugs, but… I’m embarrassed. I have a really ugly wallet. [laughter] I got it on Overstock.com. It’s got little soccer balls on it. I don’t even like soccer. It cost me $0.75. And I want drugs… [laughter] and I’m bashful.” You’re loving that joke, huh, sir? This guy was like…Aah! A little fool… Aah! I’m fucking with you, sir. [laughter] Dollar pizza places opening up everywhere. Oh, yeah. [hoots from audience] I feel guilty going to the dollar pizza place. Too cheap. If I’m at the dollar pizza place and I see a guy ask for a napkin, I’m like, “Oh, no you don’t. [laughter] Dick move. [laughter] Says “pizza for a dollar,” not “pizza plus free napkin.” This guy will be out of business in two minutes. Reach into your pocket, hand him another nickel. Stay away from that garlic powder… [laughter] or I’ll kill you.” [laughter] I had a fun experience at the dollar pizza place recently, I ordered my slice, the guy put it on the counter, I quickly handed him a dollar, but I dropped the dollar… right onto the slice. [laughter] So now I’m looking down at a dollar slice… with one topping. [laughter] An actual dollar. It looked like the perfect cover for New York Magazine’s Cheap Eats issue. [laughter] [scattered applause] It left me with a real dilemma, because I’m a germaphobe. But I’m more afraid of paying two dollars for a one dollar slice of pizza. [laughter] So, I did the classy thing. I stared the guy down… until he gave me a new slice. [laughter] Then I walked away, pretending I didn’t know he would pass off the filthy slice to someone else. [laughter] ‘Cause that’s what you’ve got to do when your profit margin is .0001% Can’t be like, “We’ll just throw this one out. No, someone’s going to get it. And it ain’t gonna be me. Unless the guy ahead of me also dropped a dollar on his slice. [laughter] In that highly unlikely scenario, the whole thing would blow up in my face. [laughter] What comes after the pizza jokes? I forgot. Oh yeah, I remember. [laughter] [woman cackles] Don’t worry, That’ll be cut out. [laughter] Everyone at home will be like, “How did he know what to do after the pizza joke? [laughter] I feel like that would be a roadblock.” Thinking about that pizza. It fucking seamlessly went right into the next… Oh my God. Wow! I am a germaphobe. People disgust me all the time. I was on a flight recently, this guy was trying to figure out how to get his bag in the overhead, but he had his phone in one hand. He was very confused. He was going, “What do I do here? [laughter] A two-handed job. [laughter] But, I’ve got the phone in one hand. [laughter] I know what I can do…” Shoved it in his mouth. [laughter] Option one: Shove it in your mouth. [laughter] Maybe he was looking down the aisle, saw all those people waiting to board, and was like, “I want this flight leaving on time and my pocket’s all the way down there. [laughter] Look who we got right here, ready to work. [laughter] There’s still a lot of room in there. I could have totally packed my hiking boots.” I saw a bunch of boy scouts at the airport, like, a hundred boy scouts… You can go 30 years without seeing one boy scout. Then there’s 100 of them at the airport. “Wow, I thought y’all were out of business. Where are you off to? Getting on a plane to go camping? That’s weird.” [laughter] I was a boy scout for three weeks, never made it to the booking a flight phase of that experience. [laughter] I really was a boy scout for three weeks, and they did uniform inspection. They’re like, “You’re not wearing regulation socks.” I said, “I’m sorry about that. Also, I quit. [laughter] That’s all I need to know about this organization. A 50 year old dude just walked up to an 11 year old… and insulted his socks. It’s creepy, I’m out here, I’m an artist.” [laughter] You’ll see, Scout Master. Forty years from now, I’ll be doing a comedy special… I don’t know what network. [laughter] Yes, I did sign the contract already. And still don’t know the answer to that question. [laughter] No one’s told me that. I know, it’s kind of strange.” [laughter] Took a vacation, went to Guatemala… Saw some stuff I’ve never seen before, saw a volcano for the first time. That was beautiful. What else did I see? Oh, guys riding mopeds down rocky roads, steering with just one hand… because they’re holding a baby with the other. [laughter] I saw that so many times, it stopped bothering me. [laughter] First time you see it, it’s like, “My God, look at that lunatic, he’s holding a baby riding a moped.” Second time, you’re like, “Oh, my God, what a crazy coincidence, for only the second time in my entire life… and just two seconds after the other time, [laughter] I’m seeing a guy riding a moped holding a baby.” Third time you see it, it’s like, “So many cute babies here in Guatemala.” [laughter] And then, yes, you rent a moped. You know where you take it, the adoption agency. Adopt yourself a little cutie pie, go for a spin. [laughter] “Oh, yeah. I get it now. Whoa! It’s about living on the edge. It’s about making a baby live on the edge… while I remain relatively safe. I love my little thrill-seeker. His twin brother’s pretty cute also. I’m holding two babies. [laughter] The whole time, I’ve been holding two babies.” The only people who knew that were the forensics experts in the crowd. They’re like, “I actually knew that by the curve of the arm. There’s no way that would be one baby. I study this kind of shit. I know. But, I mean, most people don’t know it.” Good coffee in Guatemala. Mmm. I took a two and a half hour tour of a coffee farm when I was there. Oh my God, it’s so complicated growing coffee. So much has to happen between planting it to when it’s sitting next to someone while they’re writing a terrible screenplay, [laughter] dreadful short story… or I’m sitting there writing some amazing, flawless comedy. [laughter] I was in Portland, Oregon looking for a coffee shop. Went on Yelp. I found a review of a place, where they said, “The baristas here are presumptuous.” [laughter] “I don’t think that’s what you meant to say.” Presumptuous… “May I get you something to drink?” “Whoa! [laughter] Easy, Tiger. Damn, what did I do to deserve that, huh? You blindsided me. A guy walks into a coffee shop, gets in the coffee line… ‘May I get you something to drink?’ I was warned about you. [laughter] So presumptuous. And the little waxed mustache, a little pretentious.” Yeah, that was the word he meant to use. I saw a guy walk into a coffee shop, holding a cup of coffee… from a different coffee shop. I could not imagine being that ballsy. [laughter] Just walking in there going, “Yeah.” “Well, well, well… What do we have here? It looks like someone else is in the coffee business too. Huh? [laughter] Just like these nice folks across the street. Tell you what, they probably have the best coffee, but good news, you have better tables and chairs. [laughter] So, I’m going to sit down with their superior coffee and use your free WiFi for four hours. You want to serve me a drink? I’d love a glass of water. Then, I’m going to use your bathroom ten times. What’s in it for you? The big payoff at the end, when I ask you to watch my stuff while I go across for a refill.” Someone told me at good coffee shops they don’t like you to add anything to the coffee, they find it insulting. I asked a barista about this. He’s like, “Yeah it’d be like adding sugar to red wine.” “Would it be like adding sugar to coffee? [laughter] Or do we have to use your ridiculous example? [laughter] “It would be like playing racquetball with a ferret.” [laughter] “My, oh my, that’s stupid. Fill it to the top.” This guy really said this to me. “It’d be like adding sugar to red wine, except that no one’s ever thought of doing that. What I asked you about, ten million people do every hour. Also, there’s a bowl of sugar right here. Yes, my finger is in it. Look, I’m swishing it around. I didn’t come here with sugar, how did it get here? Oh, you put it out? Am I supposed to make banana bread or something? Oh, It’s for the coffee. Ooh, I’m confused.” A guy approached me after a show once. He was like, “Todd you’re not going to want to hear this, but… there was someone in history who did put sugar in their red wine. I was like, “Alright, who’s that?” He goes, “Hitler.” “Okay. I’m going to keep doing the joke. [laughter] I’m going to take my chances that you’re one of very few people who would call me out and correct me… with that obscure trivia about Hitler. And I’ve got to ask, how many biographies of Hitler did you read… before that was brought up? ‘Oh, there’s this one other thing about Hitler… [laughter] You don’t want to bring him to a wine bar.'” [laughter] So few comedians can combine three hours of coffee jokes into a Hitler joke. [laughter] [exhales] [softly] That was good. [laughter] Did you have dinner tonight, sir? What did you have? -Buffalo wings -Buffalo wings. Oh, my God. Solid. [laughter] At a sports bar? At a sports bar. Holy shit. [laughter] I’m acting like that was an amazing guess… when it’s the only place that serves buffalo wings. Which sauce? -Just regular. -Regular. Oh my God. I didn’t realize my fans were pussies. [laughter and applause] [man cackles] I don’t think I’ve ever used that word that way. [laughter] I almost didn’t, but you were so fucking delighted by it. [laughter] I don’t eat right. Some people eat worse than I do. I saw a guy eating lunch by himself. He had a burger, fries, milkshake and a beer. Burger and fries looked delicious. Milkshake and a beer was a little confusing… even if you don’t care about your health. The guy’s like, “Yeah, burger, fries… Milkshake. Yeah, I’ll have a beer also. [laughter] Yeah, both… No, no… [laughter] Trust me, I have a good feeling about this.” [laughter] He’s like, “Alright, milkshake… Mmm. Strawberry, my favorite. Mmm. Suddenly the worst beer I’ve ever had in my life. [laughter] At least I found the quick and easy way to take in 45000 calories.” [laughter] I’m a picky eater. Any picky eaters here tonight? [audience hoots] A woman raised her hand. You’ve got to reward politeness. [laughter] You’re picky? What won’t you eat? Sesame seeds. Sesame seeds. That’s your opening… [laughter] That’s her opening. You know about sesame seeds? They’re completely flavorless and innocuous… [laughter] Number one food pet peeve. [laughter] Sesame seeds… [laughter] I’ve got to hear the next one. [laughter] -Curry. -Curry. [laughter] Okay. Alright, one more. [laughter] -Um… Peppercorns. -Peppercorns? [laughter] Why do you hate Asian people so much? [laughter] There’s no room for that in my audience. [laughter] How cool would that be if I had her thrown out? [laughter] [mumbles] It’s because of the sesame seeds. I’m a picky eater. I have three categories of food: Foods I like… foods I don’t like, but I understand why people like them, then there are foods that baffle me. Food I like, let’s pick an easy one. Pizza. Yum, delicious. No need for further discussion. Second category, sushi. Don’t like it. I totally get why people like it, though. What a beautiful, beautiful, awful-tasting food that is. [laughter] I remember the one time I tried it 17 years ago at the Cincinnati Airport. [laughter] I did not enjoy it. No second chances for sushi. [laughter] You blew it, sushi. I gave you every opportunity to be good with that quarter of a bite that I took and spit out immediately. Third category: foods that baffle me. Egg salad. If I’m at a diner and I see someone order egg salad, all I can think is, “So you read all 75 pages of that menu? [laughter] And that’s the item that popped?” [laughter] “Oh, honey, look what I found. [laughter] A little diamond in the rough. [laughter] Top of page 59. Flip ahead. [laughter] Cold, smelly eggs. I’m sorry, cold, smelly, disgusting eggs. [laughter] I got so excited, I read that wrong. [laughter] Smashed together with cold, awful mayonnaise, also made with cold, smelly eggs. Served on… Mm, mm, mm, mm, mmh… white bread. [laughter] Baby, this is why we go to restaurants.” I told that joke once, and when I said the part about getting sushi at the Cincinnati Airport, two women up front started talking to each other. I was like, “What’s going on?” She was like… “Why would you get sushi at the Cincinnati Airport?” Ooh, good eye. [laughter] I better rewrite that one. Huh? [laughter] Mmmm… I’ll say Tokyo from now on. [laughter] You know, to make it a better joke. [laughter] She was dumb. [laughter] She was dumb. [laughter] Mm, mm, mm. Wow. Couples here? You guys a couple? Yeah? Ever get massages together? No? Why not? [woman] He’s not big on massages. He’s not big on massages? Okay. Well, definitely don’t compromise and do some. [laughter] You think she wanted to eat fucking buffalo wings tonight? [laughter] [applause] [softly] Wow. [sighs] There’s not a lot of feminists left in this world. [laughter] [softly] Just me. I had a girlfriend a while back. We got foot massages at a Chinese Foot Spa. I thought that would be romantic. We walked in there, tranquil music was playing, She sat in a chair, I sat in a chair next to her. A woman walked over, started gently massaging my girlfriend’s feet. A guy walked over, started punching my feet… [laughter] really hard… for a while. Until, at some point, I had to go “Hey, buddy… I might need you to stop.” Not something I was anticipating saying when I thought about getting a foot massage. “I’m going to get a foot massage, better get a safe word ready.” [laughter] So I thought the massage was over for me, but then the woman looks at the guy, looks back at me, and she’s like… “He and I can switch, if you like.” “Oh, I do like. I like the way you work. You have a light touch, and you’re a problem-solver. Get over here, feather fingers. Sir, beat the shit out of my girlfriend’s feet.” [laughter] You’ve got to splurge in life. I bought a $14 bar of soap once. Saw this in the store, just stopped in my tracks. Heard a voice from above. [in a deep voice] “Todd, it’s time.” [laughter] “Time for what?” “Time to go to the next level.” “Next level in what?” “In how much you spend on soap.” “Oh, I didn’t expect that to be the next level.” “It is, Todd. What do you think successful people spend on soap? I’ll tell you, $14 a bar. Buy it, Todd, it will get you singing in the shower.” So I bought it. Totally got me singing in the shower. Got me singing things like, ♪ Ooh what was I thinking ♪ ♪ I should have bought Dove ♪ ♪ Let me rephrase that The CVS house brand of Dove ♪ ♪ It would be The identical soap experience ♪ ♪ I’m having now ♪ ♪ The only big difference is I’d have 23 more bars waiting for me ♪ [laughter] ♪ What a colossal waste of money ♪ I told that joke at a club once. When I said Dove soap, a table in the back cheered. [laughter] I was like,”You don’t work for Dove soap do you?” She was like, “Yes, we do.” [laughter] Long story short, made them send me a case of soap. [laughter] And I’m not lying, they sent me a big old box of soap. I would call it an uncomfortable amount of soap. [laughter] I like getting free stuff, but I’d like to explore other soap options… [laughter] before my 700th birthday. [laughter] But you do get free shit when your a celebrity, and…. I’ll ask for it, too. [laughter] If I meet someone, they tell me what business they’re in, I want their product, I just go… “Give it to me.” [laughter] It works sometimes. I’m going to hook myself up with some stuff right now. Sir, what do you do? Unemployed. All right. [laughter] Pretty good seat for an unemployed person. [laughter] I told them specifically, people with jobs only. [laughter] What kind of job do you want? I want to be a stand up– You want to be a stand up comedian? Oh my God. So, I’m giving you a gift tonight. [laughter] Alright, well… Do you, do you do stand up now? [man] Yes, I go to open mics. You go to open mics. Alright, that’s the way you do it. Alright… You’re bumming out this whole crowd. [laughter] Just for the future, comedians don’t sit up front. [laughter] [inaudible] Regular people… Comedians. I didn’t hook myself up with anything. Sir, what about you? [man] I work for a record label. You work for a record label? Oh my God. [laughter] Get me a free Spotify account. [laughter] [mumbling] Aw…that wasn’t… I think that’s the most hurtful thing I’ve ever said to anyone. [laughter] Why did you say Spotify? What label do you work for? Sacred Bones. Sacred Bones? Oh my God. Heavy Metal label? No. Folk? [laughter] There’s some folk on the label? No there isn’t. [man] Dark Folk. Dark Folk. Holy shit. [laughter] Super slick answer, man. Who’s your biggest act? David Lynch. David Lynch? My favorite singer. [laughter] Actually, him and Martin Scorsese are my… two favorite recording artists. This guy doesn’t know what a record label is. He works for a film distribution company, and he’s like… “Is this a record label?” “Have we ever talked about records here?” [laughter] I forgot why I started. Anyway, free records, thank you. [laughter] Let’s do another CVS joke. “Oh, shit, Todd.” -“Seriously?” -Yeah. I live near a big CVS. Walked in their recently. Perfectly timed. Just as a guy was asking if they sold sausages. [laughter] -I was two feet into the store here. -Do you sell sausages? I was like,”Ooh… This might be an unexpectedly delightful trip… to CVS. Let’s see how this plays out.” -“No sir, we don’t sell sausages.” -“You don’t?” Ooh, he’s surprised… [laughter] that CVS does not sell sausages. I guess when he walked in and saw ten types of bed pans for sale… it’s like, “This is the place to get kielbasa.” [laughter] When he’s there refilling his son’s lice-killing shampoo prescription… it’s like, “It’d be crazy to leave here without some chorizo.” [laughter] I memorized two sausages for that joke. [laughter] Shoes are untied. Fuck, what do you do? Are you gonna–? Yeah, I actually do. [applause] Double knot? No, that’s good, man. [laughter] You redeemed yourself. [laughter] The last person I would have thought would have done it. [laughter] I asked you a simple question about an hour ago. [laughter] An hour later, you’re tying my shoes for me. [laughter] Oh, my God. That’s better than a free David Lynch album. [laughter] I saw a doctor on TV talking about how to work exercise into your daily life without going to the gym. He had an interesting suggestion. He’s like, “We all make three phone calls a day, right? They last 10 minutes each. Just walk around while you’re making these phone calls. That’s 30 minutes exercise every day.” I said, “I haven’t made three phone calls in the past year and a half. [laughter] They don’t last ten minutes each. But I don’t want to go to the gym, so I will give this a whirl.” Start calling people up. Taking a little walk. “Hello, Hunan Palace? [laughter] I was wondering what kind of food you specialize in. Oh, it is Chinese food? Okay. No need to yell. What time are you open until? Is it fun being open until 10 o’clock? If you couldn’t be open until 10, when you be open until? No, this is not a prank call. I’m working out. And I’ve got to say, not really feeling a burn yet. I need you to hang tight for another eight and a half minutes. I have more questions. So, you’re stranded on a desert island… You can only bring one Sheryl Crow album. [laughter] You’re damn right, Greatest Hits.” [laughter] I never dropped my phone in the toilet. That’s a good thing. If someone tells me they dropped their phone in the toilet, their next sentence has to be, “So, of course I left it in the toilet… [laughter] because it wouldn’t even occur to me to reach into a toilet… to avoid buying a new phone.” Some people say, “But I put it in a bowl of dry rice after.” Oh, the way a surgeon preps his scalpels. [laughter] I think I saw a show about that on the Discovery Channel. It’s called Uncooked Rice: Nature’s Disinfectant. I asked this woman if she ever dropped her phone in a toilet. She goes, “I did, but there was no pee in there.” Really? Never? [laughter] That is the luckiest series of events ever. They’re installing a new toilet… you’re first in line. Mayor cuts the ribbon… The glare from the scissors blinds you. You slip, you fall, you drop that phone. Where does it end up? Aah, the crystal clear waters… [laughter] of an innocent virgin toilet. This friend of mine still uses a BlackBerry. I said, “Have you thought of getting an iPhone? He goes, “I want to get one, but I’m afraid of getting robbed. I don’t want to get robbed.” Like he’s going to buy one, and then that day, an emergency meeting of iPhone thieves will be called. Leader’s up there, “All right fellas, I got some great news for you… I know we’ve stolen lots of iPhones in the past few years, but never have I been able to say… tonight we are stealing Reggie Baumstein’s iPhone.” [laughter] “Come on Boss, don’t tease us. Reggie Baumstein uses a BlackBerry. [laughter] We’ve been on that guy’s trail for years.” “I know we have, fellas, but I got the fax this morning. Reggie made the switch.” Like downloading apps. That’s fun. Right? Hell, yeah. Sometimes I try to think up apps, to see if they even exist. Like, I wanted a big clock app for my phone, so I could put it on the stool sometimes, and look at it to make sure I didn’t do one second more than I was supposed to. So, I put in the search bar, I put in “Big Clock”. What came up? An app called “Huge Clock”. [laughter] [applause] Even people who have seen Big Ben are like, “Oh my God.” “It pales in comparison.” It’s a good gig for me. I’m making a ton of money. [laughter] All the bar money, too. It all goes to me. The whole thing. If you had drinks tonight, I get all that money. No, I’m not Jimmy Buffett. Someone told me Jimmy Buffett is so powerful in the music industry, he actually gets part of the bar money when he plays an arena. I guess you can do that when you’re Jimmy Buffett, though. You know? Just go into the promoters office before the tour, and like, “You know, there’s a song I’ve been doing for 45 years… it’s called “Margaritaville.” Really gets people drinking. I don’t think I’m doing it this tour.” “Well, I wish you would.” “Alright. Half the bar money.” [laughter] People do ask me how much money I make, though. Happens all the time. I get it. It’s a weird job. They’re curious. But I can always tell when they’re going to ask. They’ll be like, “Todd, what do you do for a living?” “I’m a comedian.” “Oh! [laughter] Good money in that? Probably shouldn’t ask, but do you make an okay living doing that?” “It’s totally wrong for me to ask, but I won’t stop myself.” “What kind of money do you make doing that?” So, I have to think of a lie, and it can’t be in either extreme. I can’t say I make 10 dollars a year, they won’t believe me. I can’t say I make 100 million a year, they won’t believe me. I have to figure out what their estimate is, then add just enough… to drive them crazy. [laughter] I thought of the perfect amount. I say I make about $940,000 a year. [laughter] “No. Seriously? [laughter] There is no way… Are you fucking with me? [laughter] Honey, you think this guy makes $940,000 a year? I mean… if he was lying, he would have said a million, right? [laughter] This guy makes 940 K. Good on him.” Here’s the twist in that joke, that is what I make. [laughter] Joke had a twist in it, people. It’s like, The Crying Game of jokes. [laughter] That’s my only point of reference for a twist. A movie that 11 people saw 28 years ago. [laughter] Got a great voice. Huh? I’m talking about myself. A woman told me once that my voice is like butter. She goes, “Your voice is like butter.” I played it cool, I didn’t say anything stupid to her. I didn’t say,”Well, your voice is like grilled corn on the cob. [laughter] Some people like it with butter.” I didn’t say, “Your voice is like a stack of pancakes hot off the griddle. You know, before anyone’s put any butter on them.” I didn’t say, “Your voice is like dry toast. Ooh, why is it dry?” I think you know the answer. No butter.” What I did say was, “Ooh, butter’s not really the best thing for you.” I didn’t even say that. I said, “Really? You like my voice? [squeaky voice] Oh, my God, you want to hang out? What are you doing? Where are you going? I don’t understand. Why are you walking away? Don’t you want to hear more of this butter?” Don’t worry about that one. [laughter] Easy cut. [laughter] That was a little treat for you guys. “Seriously, Todd? As a treat you gave us a not-that-great joke?” It’s a hit or miss joke, it’s not a bad one. This guy’s like, “Man, I wish I could take notes.” [laughter] A little jet lag, caught one of those noon red eye flights. [laughter] I call all flights “the red eye”, makes me feel like a real businessman. People love telling you they took the red-eye. “The Red eye’s great. Get on the plane at 1:00 AM. Sit upright for six hours. [laughter] Land in New York at that sweet, sweet time, 4:55 in the morning. [laughter] At work by 8:00, passed out in a conference room by 8:15. [laughter] Looking for new job at 8:30. [laughter] Simply impossible without the red eye. [laughter] I stay in a lot of hotels. Things go wrong in hotels. When things go wrong in hotels and you complain… their favorite way to fix things is to offer you a free breakfast… no matter what the complaint was. “So, Mr. Barry, you opened the door to your room you found a family of eight already in there?” “Yes, that’s true.” “I’ve got some good news for you. Sure, there’s nine of you, but only one of you is getting a free breakfast.” [laughter] You’re going to love looking at those eight sets of jealous eyes… as you’re sitting on the bathroom floor in your room eating microwaved eggs. “So, Mr. Barry, you found six dead dogs in your bed?” “Yes, that’s true.” “Well that must have made you hungry.” [laughter] Why don’t come on down to the front desk, my friend… I’ll give you a coupon good for a free breakfast… conveniently served between four and six a.m. [laughter] You’re a trucker. Right? “I am hauling a big load of amazing jokes from town to town.” [laughter] Went to Chicago. They have a really nice Walgreens in Chicago. They do. They converted an old bank into a Walgreens. It’s beautiful. The vault is the Vitamin section. I walked in there, I was so impressed I went on Twitter and wrote, “I have to give out my first annual Best Walgreens Award.” the winner is Chicago, Milwaukee Avenue location. Some guy writes back immediately. “The cops killed a guy there a year ago.” [laughter] Okay. What do you want me to do now? [laughter] Take the award back? [laughter] A little late for that, my friends. First annual Todd Barry Best Walgreens award. I’m not going to take it back ’cause a guy was shot there a year ago. Didn’t happen while I was in the store. It’s not like I was walking around the candy aisle, and a guy gets gunned down next to me, I’m like… “This is a nice Walgreens.” [laughter] I wonder if that’s the original tile. Stayed at a hotel in Chicago. A few weeks after I stayed there, I got my credit card bill. There was a charge from the hotel that I didn’t recognize… for 100 dollars even. So, I called up the hotel. I go, “What’s going on with this charge?” She’s like, “It looks like something was missing from the room.” “Okay, what’s that?” She goes, “Let me look it up.” “Oh, the bedspread.” [laughter] The bedspread’s missing. “So, you think I stole a hotel bedspread.” [laughter] I don’t steal things from hotels, but if I ever start… I assure you… it will never be the bedspread. I would rip out the carpeting, [laughter] throw it in a backpack, then run through the hallways grabbing stacks of unwashed room service trays… before I stole the most disgusting thing… [laughter] in the entire building. There is no one stealing… a hotel bedspread. Even an actual thief, who needs a bedspread… but can only afford the hotel room, is not standing there going, “Sweetie, we need a bedspread, right? Can we afford one? I think they cost $100 even. [laughter] I got an idea. Open up the suitcase, baby. Is there room for a king size bedspread in there? [laughter] There is? That’s weird. [laughter] Grab this thing… take it home get it sanitized for 200 bucks. [laughter] And the fact that it’s horribly ugly is just a bonus.” [laughter] I’m going to do one more thing. Alright? Here we go. I found this article in Esquire magazine. It’s a men’s magazine with articles like how to get a good gin and tonic at the Houston Airport. [laughter] Anyway… it’s an article written by woman called “How to feel good to a woman.” It’s advice for men on how to make women feel good. I’m now going to read this article. [laughter] And I’m going to insert comments. “Wait Todd, you’re not just going to read? I think that is very artistic.” No, I’m taking it to the next level. This is a real article… called “How to feel good to a woman.” Here we go. “If I’m taking a shower at your place, stack fresh towels, thick and white and fluffy, more than I’ll need.” [laughter] She needs more towels than she needs. [laughter] “I stayed over at Bob’s place yesterday. It was terrible.” -“What happened?” – “I took a shower.” “Oh my God, he didn’t have any towels?” “No, he only had one towel for the one shower I took.” [laughter] “Wait, he only had the perfect amount of towels?” Yes, he had towels in direct proportion to how many towels I needed.” [laughter] Sounds like an asshole. [laughter] “I’ll need a toothbrush, conditioner…” No toothpaste. [laughter] I’ve used conditioner for many different things, but… never as toothpaste. “You know that awesome serendipity when you descend into a friend’s basement to watch the game and he’s got the scene set: hot wings, cold beer within arm’s reach, a video console setup for halftime…?” I don’t know what any of that means. First of all, I don’t know anyone who has a basement. That’s weird. A basement. Who the fuck has a basement? And if I did, and I went to their house for the game, I wouldn’t be like “Hey those wings you paid for… they’re not within arm’s reach. [laughter] Not very serendipitous of you.” [laughter] Anyway, she says that, because “that’s how I want to feel in your bathroom.” [laughter] “Body scrub, new razor. Holy shit, a loofah.” That’d be more like, “Body scrub, new razor. Loofah. Holy shit, he’s gay.” [laughter] “Kiss me for longer than you can handle…” [laughter] Fair enough on that one, I guess. “even when you know that more is on the way.” Hey. [laughter] I never assume more is on the way. [laughter] “Open mouth and bench the tongue.” Yes, she’s suggesting open-mouth tongueless kisses. [laughter] Sounds fun, right? [vocalizing] [vocalizing continues] [intoning] “Why are we kissing like this?” “I read it in a magazine.” “I got a tongue. It’s on the bench. It’s benched. [muffled] I bench my tongue. This is a good way to kiss. All those years I haven’t been kissing like this.” “Urgent but not desperate.” Anyone who is urgent and not desperate, not reading this. [laughter] “Your arms are tight around my back and my waist, and they stay there… [laughter] forever.” Long after we’ve broken up. [laughter] Glad your husband is being so cool about this. [laughter] “Don’t shave for three days, and then kiss my neck.” [laughter] “Actually, can you shave next time? You scratched me.” [laughter] “Smell like something all the time. [laughter] Choose a small world and invoke it. Maine… the state, a forest… the wet end of August.” [laughter] I’d try to smell like the wet end of August, if I knew what that meant. [laughter] “It’s warm and damp, and you’re felling trees in a flannel shirt. Moss and sweat and hard won timber. Try Kiehl’s Original Musk Blend Number One, so I can wear it when you’re not around.” Why don’t I get your own bottle, and you never be around. [laughter] “Now kiss my neck again.” So we went all of August without a neck kiss? [laughter] “Hold me like nothing can slither between us…” Hey… It was your idea to fuck at the reptile house. [laughter] “…but so I can detach if I want to. I always give women the option to detach if they want to, since the other option is against the law. [laughter] There is no, like, “No, you can’t detach, even though you told me you wanted to.” “The key is in the grip, encompassing but not fierce, one arm around my waist and the other across my shoulders.” -That’s called a hug. Thank you for that. -[laughter] Everyone’s done that. “Hands are a Goldilocks dilemma.” [laughter] How else would you describe hands? If I had a little nephew, and he was like, “Uncle Todd, what are what are hands?” [laughter] “You remember that dilemma in Goldilocks?” [laughter] “Dilemma, Uncle Todd? I don’t know what hands are.” “They shouldn’t be as soft as mine, but they shouldn’t catch skin either. If they’re oyster-shucking rough, use a drugstore lotion. If they’re too soft, build me a desk from raw wood.” [laughter] “Well Lisa, we’ve been on a couple of nice dates, but… [laughter] not sure we’re to the point where I’m building furniture for you. But I appreciate the wood preference. It’s been noted.” “Don’t pull my hair. Push it.” [laughter] I’m going to pull it. [laughter] I’m going to overrule you on this one. I’m not going to push your hair. While doing open mouth, tongueless kisses… [vocalizing] Aw, yeah. Ooh, an iguana. [laughter] Goodnight. Thank you. [cheering and applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sara-pascoe-ladsladslads-2019-full-transcript/ | Sara Pascoe: LadsLadsLads (2019) – Full Transcript | sara pascoe | CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Hello, my name is Sara Pascoe. I never want you to stop clapping. Now, what’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me? Oh, God, I miss it. Now it’s my turn. Thank you so much for having me. I’m going to tell you the worst thing first, the bad thing. I’m 35 years old. That’s not the bad thing, unless you’re trying to get me pregnant. I’m 35, which is the oldest I’ve ever been, and, look, I’m enjoying ageing. We’re supposed to hate ourselves, but I don’t. I’m really enjoying it. I feel more confident and I know myself better, but what’s been happening is I’ve started remembering things – memories from adolescence, things I’ve completely forgotten – they’re dropping back into my brain fully formed and I remember something about a year and a half ago. I’m going to tell you this as the first thing cos it’s going to make you not like me and then I’m going to try and win you back. Doesn’t always work! So basically what I’d forgotten, but then I remembered… So when I was 18, I didn’t have very much money, but I did have a best friend called Shelley and she didn’t have very much money, either, so what we would do, we went to parties, we had a system whereby Shelley would give somebody a blow job in exchange for a gram of cocaine… ..which we would then both take! And I had completely forgotten about this and, looking back, I cannot believe that I did that. It is such an unethical drug. It ruins lives all over the world. Also, obviously, of course, I don’t think that that was an appropriate system. I don’t think that system is OK, but when I was 18, I felt very grown up and autonomous and I thought that I could make my own decisions and so could Shelley and now I’m 35, I feel incredibly protective over teenage girls. They’re so young, it’s such a formative stage. I look back and I see I was a terrible friend. I never told her to do that, but I also never told her not to so I started to feel really guilty and I wanted to apologise to Shelley, but we’re not really in touch any more because people don’t tend to invite their pimp to their wedding. So I had to kind of write her a message and the beginning of the message was what I’ve just said to you. “Oh, I’ve forgotten, “but then I remembered how when we used to go to parties, “you’d give oral sex in exchange for narcotics and, looking back, “I should have dissuaded you “or suggested we got part-time work “and I feel really sorry about this now,” and I said, “Shelley, I hope wherever you are in your life, you’re really happy,” and then I sat back and I waited for her to reply to me cos I thought she would say it was fine and then I could feel better and I was waiting and waiting and she was not replying so I started to get paranoid, like, “Maybe she does hate me now,” and then I checked back about a week later and she’d deleted it off her wall. So there’s just no way of knowing. And I feel really bad about this and the thing is, this is the thing, this is the point I’m trying to make – I want to be a good person. I want to be on the right team, I want to be one of the good guys, but the more I think about anything, the more complicated it becomes in terms of knowing whether you’re a good person or not and also the terms “bad” and “good”, they’re subjective. They mean different things to different people. Most people agree Stalin, “Oh, very bad,” but if you were a gulag maker… ..you’d be into him. Oh, Mother Theresa, most people agree, “Oh, very good.” If you were Princess Diana, bitch is your competition so… So, like, all the recent stuff with Brexit, I find it so confusing because the whole thing with Europe, like, it seems like there’s sensible arguments on both sides and I don’t think we talk enough about that now. I don’t really understand it. Everyone I know from comedy’s really intelligent and they know their own minds and half of my friends, they’re all talking about how the EU are creating our laws and we hadn’t elected them and that’s undemocratic and then the other half are saying, “But if we actually leave, “our economy is going to get even weaker, “the vulnerable in society will become even more vulnerable,” and I’m thinking, “How can you be making a decision “between the economy and democracy?” It’s like they said to us all, “Guys, your house is on fire, “but if you put it out, gravity will stop working.” Good luck! What?! The whole thing feels like a game of Would You Rather. You know when you were little, you would go to sleepovers and play this game called Would You Rather, but it was always two things you didn’t want. You just had to choose which one you didn’t want the least. “Would you rather have massive hands “but they’re not attached to your body “or tiny hands but they’re strangling you? “Oh, and, by the way, one of them means you’re racist.” What?! It’s too hard. Why are you asking us? And another thing where the right and wrong is unclear to me, sometimes it can be… Basically, Uber. Now, most of you will know what Uber is, but just in case you don’t, it’s a taxi but with judgment. Oh, you get a review at the end. I’ve only got four stars on Uber. I’ve lost one and I don’t know how, but I sat there quietly, I was wearing my seat belt and deodorant, which is more than I can say for you, Nicolai. But they have a really aggressive business model. Lots of these companies do now and so it’s that thing of the short term vs the long term. In the long term, basically, they under-price taxi drivers and cab drivers in this country. Uber don’t pay tax here. In the long run, Uber is terrible for everyone, but in the short term, it’s brilliant for the individual because it is cheaper and also it’s marketed, especially at women, to make us feel safer – the fact that more people are getting cabs home, the fact the driver comes to where you’re standing cos of the phone signal and then they put a little picture of the Uber driver on there to kind of reassure you about who’s coming to pick you up and the Uber drivers, as a funny prank, have taken the scariest photographs that they can. There must be a competition in the office. They’re always on their phone from below with eyes like they hate you and you’re only ever asking for one because you’re scared cos it’s half-two in the morning and you’re pissed and you’re thinking, “Oh, no, it’s really very dodgy round here. I’m going to be a sensible lady and get myself an Uber,” and then you press it and it goes, “Arnab’s on his way.” “Shit.” Cos this guy’s definitely coming to kill me. And you can see where he is cos there’s a little map. You can see him in his tiny car. He’s only a minute away, he’s just turning around from the knife shop. You know you’ve only got 60 seconds to get out of there. So you’re fretting, like, “Oh, no, what shall I do? “Shall I flag down a stranger’s car and ask him to rescue me? “What if that guy is a murderer? “At least with Arnab, there’s a paper trail. “If I go missing, he’ll be the first person they’ll check with. “I better wait.” And by then, he’s arrived and then to check that it’s him, because of the angle he’s taken the photo at, to check that it’s him, you have to bend down and look upwards. You had to kind of get in the passenger side footwell. “Arnab?” And often, by then, it’s too late. I’m being very naughty. I shouldn’t be scaremongering about Uber. I only actually know one person who says that they were murdered by an Uber driver. That was my sister and she’s lied about this kind of thing before. No, this sounds like it’s bad on her. Everyone in my family, we’re all liars. We’re the worst kind of liar cos we really believe ourselves and we never, ever admit that something’s not true, no matter what evidence you have. So I’ll give you an example and to be fair to them, I’ll give you a me example cos they’re angry with me with how much I talk about them. “Rub that bit out!” So, to be fair to them, I’ll give you a me example. About 14 years ago, 15, maybe, at Christmas time, I had too much to drink and I was very emotionally involved with an EastEnders storyline and I told my sister that I was her real mum. She still doesn’t know that I’m not and I’ll never let her find out and I’m only 18 months older than her so I’ve had to tell quite a lot of other lies to make it seem believable. Now, the one place that I will not lie is in my relationship because I’ve found that the truth hurts more. My entire relationship is built on beautiful honesty, apart from there’s one lie that I told him, but it was accidental. So when we first got together, I told him that before we’d met, I had joined the Mile High Club because I thought that I had. Back story – I watched a film when I was about eight and a character in that film mentioned the Mile High Club. Now, at the time, I was in the Burger King Kids Club. That was working out brilliantly and I was keen to join more clubs and so my ears pricked up at this mention and I didn’t even watch the end of the film, I just ran through my house looking for an adult that I could ask about it. The first one I find was my Uncle Trevor. Now, looking back, I don’t know why he was in my house. I’m really suspicious about it, but it’s, like, too late to do anything about it now, like, “Repress it! “Stop thinking about it! Why didn’t he have a shirt on? I don’t know! “I don’t know!” Everyone’s divorced now, it’s fine. It doesn’t matter. So, Uncle Trevor, I was like, “Oh, Uncle Trevor, Uncle Trevor, “how does one get membership to this Mile High Club?” And he was obviously a little bit thrown cos he thought about it for a second and he was like, “Oh… “Oh, yeah, that’s when you’re on an aeroplane “and you go to the toilet for a long time.” Yes, so I thought it was doing a poo on an aeroplane and no-one disabused me of that notion for 25 years, which means that every time I’ve been asked in my life, which is probably about seven or eight times, “Oh, Sara, have you joined the Mile High Club?” I’ve always answered in the same way by going, “Yes, every time I fly! “I think it’s the nerves!” I’m going to say something in about 30 seconds and it’s, erm, sexist. I’m about to say something that’s quite sexist, but you have to understand that I know that it’s sexist so it’s OK cos that is the system. So, I earn more money than my boyfriend does, which is fine, and that means that I have to pay for everything that we do, which I don’t mind and he’s all right with it, but in the olden days, in the ’80s, there used to be this system where, like, a man would buy dinner and a woman would put out. Now, I’m not saying that I agree with that. The idea that a woman is economically dependent on a man is disgusting. The idea that a man expects sex just because he’s paid is awful, but what is worse is that it doesn’t work the other way round. Well, what I’ve found is if it is the woman that’s paid for dinner and the weekly shop and the electricity bill, oh, then he never puts out because apparently you’ve emasculated him by asking for a thank-you dance. Double standards! It’s not fair and so this is true, I don’t think me and my boyfriend have enough sex. He says that me talking about it on stage is not helping. 1-0. And so I’m trying to… I’m trying to spice things up. I’m trying to seduce him, that’s what I want to do. What I do when I’m in the mood for lovemaking, I want to try and entice him, I shave my entire body – head to toe. No, it’s too high! This is seduction, not a ’90s pop star breakdown. I shave from my chin down to my big toe and then, in order to let him know in a subtle way, I don’t rinse the bath. Yeah! He knows what I’m saying! Erm, if you are sitting there thinking, “Wow, that woman just told us a really gross thing about herself,” wait till you hear this next thing. At Christmas, we got presents for each other. I don’t know why I’m explaining. “You know, Christmas presents…” “Ever heard of Christmas presents?” Well, we did it one year. We’re crazy. Now, he opened my present first. I had bought us a holiday to Barbados and it was all-inclusive and I’d never been on that kind of holiday before, I’d never spent that kind of money before and I was thrilled to give it to him and then he gave me my present and I opened it and it was an electric toothbrush. Hmm. And then there was this tension in the house, like I could tell that he was sadder than usual during the gratitude boogie. I waited for him to finish and then I was like, “Oh, are you all right?” And he was like, “No, I’m really embarrassed “about the discrepancy in our presents. “Just please promise me you’ll never tell anyone about this.” But I am telling anyone and the reason is I thought about it and my initial response was wrong. So you think my present is a better or bigger present cos it’s more expensive, but, no, a holiday, that is a finite thing. Seven days, even if they are amazing days, seven days – done, gone forever. An electric toothbrush, that is something that I use every single day to masturbate. Guys! It’s a great present! I don’t use it as a toothbrush any more. I’m not disgusting. I just don’t brush my teeth. I don’t need to, I’m too happy. I’m happy all of the time. I’m telling you all my secrets. Another thing, I went away for about a month. About nine months ago, for a month, I went away for work. When I came back, my boyfriend had got my life insured. Oh, yeah, he’d taken out a life insurance policy on me and he’s behaving like this is a normal thing people do in relationships, like it’s a stage that you get to. “Oh, Sara, how’s it going with John?” I’m like, “Oh, yes, pretty good, very serious. “We’re at that bit where you make sure you financially benefit “if the other one dies.” I want him to cancel it. Also, I don’t think I need it. I can’t… I just don’t think I’m going to die. It just doesn’t feel like the kind of thing I’d do. It’s a waste of money, I want him to cancel this direct debit. “Stop it, it’s creepy,” and he’s, like, being all defensive, like, “No, Sara, think about it – if something was to happen to you, “I wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage on my own,” right, which does sound sensible. Callous, but sensible, until I tell you that we don’t own a property. We rent a flat like everybody else. That mortgage is something he’s getting later on with his winnings if something was to happen to me, but this is the thing about falling in love, which is something that obviously every single person does. We fall in love. We don’t wait until we know everything about someone and then decide, “That’s it, you deserve my heart.” No, you learn a few things about someone and then you fall in love and then you continue to learn new things and some of those things are great. They’re like cute faces and funny noises and… Oh, look, my boyfriend, he collects Nectar points like it’s a computer game, like deadly serious, and he never spends them cos he thinks that Nectar points can outlast sterling as currency, which might not be mad, but other of the things that you find out are just like, “Oh, no! It’s too late, I love you now!” My boyfriend doesn’t like dogs. AUDIENCE: – Ohhh… Thank you for that appropriate reaction. He doesn’t like dogs, I found out about eight months in. He doesn’t think that they’re handsome or want to pet them and won’t let me get one. My ambition my entire life has just been to work really, really hard, make enough money to give a dog an incredible life and that would be a life well lived and now, essentially, I am waiting for him to die. Obviously, it will be sad. It is going to be a really sad day. “Oh, no, the love of my life has drowned. Oh, gosh, this is…” But it’s bittersweet, like… “I can get a dog now.” So what I’m trying to say is I do understand the life insurance thing, I get it, it’s just that money is his dogs. So what we’re doing at the moment – and I find this kind of embarrassing to talk about – me and my boyfriend are currently, or have been for a while, trying to make a baby, get pregnant. Now, I hate all of the language around this. Essentially, all it means you’re having sex without a condom on, like it’s the ’90s, but we’ve been trying for about 2½ years, which is quite a long time. It turns out that getting pregnant is a lot like learning a language in that it is much easier when you are a child. When I was 15, I was pregnant all the time. I was the girl you heard about in rumours. I got pregnant from a toilet seat. I got pregnant from borrowing a boy’s towel and now it’s so much more difficult and there’s all this stuff that you’re supposed to do if you’re trying to get pregnant. If you’re the woman, you’re not supposed to drink alcohol. If you’re a woman over 30 who normally drinks every day and you turn up to see your friends and be like, “Oh, no, I’m not drinking tonight,” they assume you’re already pregnant. It’s going to be awkward in three months – everyone’s giving you knowing glances and stretchy trousers. It’s so much easier just to go straight in, have a sambuca, no conversation. Also, you’re not supposed to drink caffeine. You’re not allowed to have coffee. How am I going to get pregnant if I’m angry or asleep? And I’ve had to buy all of these ovulation testing kits and they look like pregnancy tests. They cost nine quid each, they’re so expensive and it looks like a pregnancy test. You take the lid off to wake it up and then it has a little screen in its belly, which then flashes up a picture of itself, like, “I can get myself pregnant. “What’s your problem?” Then you have to wee on it, which is hard when something’s that expensive. You have to wee on it and also for ages, like, much longer than you think – like, 13 minutes. You wee on it and then you put the lid back on. It’s supposed to think for two minutes and then come up with where you are in your ovulatory cycle so you don’t waste the one sex you have a month and all that happens when I’ve done it is it just comes up with a picture of a book, which means that I’ve done it wrong and I need to reread the instructions, and then I break it cos I’m angry and I’m sitting there holding broken bits of plastic, hands covered in my own piss, no trousers on, thinking, “Could I really keep another human alive?” And I have an espresso Martini to cheer myself up. So I’ve got this fun thing. I’ve got polycystic ovaries or PCOS and that’s very, very common and lots of women have it. What is means is that your ovaries make an egg and then rather than going anywhere, just forms a cyst to decorate you beautifully. What this means is you have a higher than you should have level of testosterone in your system, which does mean that you have an increased sex drive, but it also means that no-one will have sex with you because of your fine beard and moustache. Nature is amazing! And this is the thing – the longer you go without having children, the older you get, the more people start to ask you about it and I’m aware they always mean really well. It comes from a really good place. My younger sisters and my friends are having kids. They’re all having this wonderful time, they don’t want anyone to miss out on this experience, but my problem with that is the experience they are having is subjective. It’s personal to them. I have had my own wonderful personal subjective experiences, like I’ve been on QI. I have never, ever said to anybody, like, “Oh, have you been on QI? “Awww! “You should go on QI! “No, I didn’t think that I wanted to be on QI until I was ON QI “and then it was like I looked back “and my entire life had been leading up to me being on QI. “When I saw Stephen Fry’s face for the first time, “I was filled with so much love. “Yes, it’s very tiring being on QI, “but it’s so worth it and I just wouldn’t want you “to leave it too late and they’ll have stopped making it.” This is the thing, it’s true – me and my boyfriend, we have sex about once a month and I would like to have more of it and what I blame it on, I blame it on pornography. I think it’s because pornography exists and I can’t compete with it. Now, he denies this, but he has a lockable study and in there, there’s a computer where he could put in a couple of search terms and then he can watch all of these men and women enthusiastically pretending to like doing stuff that I’m not going to pretend to like doing and I’m not going to do. I don’t like doing anything. I like having three things done to me very gently while I lie there. That’s my sex style. I’m saying that to all of you, I’m warning you in case any of us ever get together. That’s open to people of all genders. I’m trying to have more sex with women since I found out lesbians are very good at the three things I like. Oh, the thing is with pornography, I think when you start going out with someone, this is how I’m going to solve it – when you start going out with someone, you should be able to scan your picture into their computer and then whenever they look at pornography, as is their right, all of the banner ads have got your face on them. Fun! We could customise them, like, “Women waiting for you to put the bins out in your area!” Fun! This is such a hack observation, it’s been made so many times, but I do think gay people are having much better quality sex than straight people and it makes sense to me because I just think that they understand the machinery, the mechanics a lot more. I think a lot of the reason that I’ll be with my boyfriend until the end of his life in a horrible drowning accident… I’m just covered with dogs! I think a lot of the reason is I can’t be bothered to train a new man not to hurt me. You know when you’ve fancied someone for weeks and months and you feel electric and alert and incredible around them and then you finally get to go to bed with them and it should be so great and it’s… Ow! Ow! Ow! Who was your ex-girlfriend, a hole that you dug? Just be careful! We’re so precious, just be careful. I know now it sounds like I’m kind of ragging on straight men. I’m not. Of course it works both ways. I give a terrible hand job. Oh, so bad. I’ve been ashamed my entire life of the quality and I realise it’s a form of empathy failure and I realise this because my friend, she’s so clever and she was talking about misogyny, misogynists, and she said something so succinct. She was like, “Oh, Sara, “the problem with misogynists is they treat women “like we’re broken men, “as if our differences mean we’re flawed “or we’re less good in some way.” I was like, “That’s it, that’s everything. You’ve just described it so perfectly.” And then I realised I’ve been doing the same thing the opposite way round. My entire life, I’ve been treating men like they’re just very, very aggressive women and that if I can be calm around them and just move slowly, then maybe one day they’ll heal. What this means is when I touch a man’s body in a sexual way, I touch him how I like to be touched and I do not believe him when he says that that is not enjoyable. So this means that my technique for a hand job… I’ll show you. I’ll just show you! And then I just do some round-and-rounds. And then I just blow it some kisses from a distance. And they hate it. They’re like yelling out at me, like, “Grip it! “Grip it and move it up and down!” “I don’t want to! “I don’t want to make this situation any worse. “It already looks angry.” I’ve got a tattoo. I’m not changing the subject. I’ve got a tattoo that I keep hidden all of the time, but I will show to you. This tattoo ages me more than anything that will ever happen to my face. I have got a Japanese symbol on the bottom of my spine. That means I was alive when the Spice Girls came out and I was excited. Now, I keep it covered at all times and it’s not cos I’m ashamed of it, but because if anyone ever sees it, they go, “What’s your tramp stamp mean?” Cos apparently we’ve started calling them tramp stamps and I don’t know what kind of tramp that’s referring to, if it’s a loose woman or a vagrant man. Either way, it’s a compliment, but it’s a difficult question to answer so I just say that it means “fuck me harder” in Japanese. It saves me a lot of time when I’m over there! I’ve never been. I really want to go to Japan and I’ll tell you why. I was researching on the internet about how our different cultures respect female genitals because I can, I’ve got nothing to do in the day, and I found out about a nightclub, there’s only one like this in the world, it’s in Japan, and it’s on two floors and women get in for free if they go into the top floor if they’re wearing a skirt with no underwear because the dance floor’s see-through. It’s made of glass and men pay a huge amount of money to go to the floor underneath, where they buy overpriced drinks and sip them, looking upwards at women on the dance floor. Now, I was describing this the next day to my friend cos I thought I was going to get some material out of this. I was planning to do a routine about how maybe women don’t want to rise above the glass ceiling if we have to dance with our fannies out. Yeah, so I thought I could do this feminist light-hearted thing so I was describing it to my friend and I didn’t even get through it cos she kind of covered her eyes and was like… And I was like, “Oh, no, no, don’t get upset, don’t get angry. “I can’t work out if the men who go there… “I don’t know if they are disgusting creeps, “but maybe there could be something beautiful going on “cos they are, after all, just admiring the female form,” and then she was like, “Oh, no, that isn’t even what I was thinking. “I was just thinking that you could not do that the other way round “cos you’d keep thinking people were waving at you.” And now that’s what I think about whenever I’m sad. Whenever I need cheering up… You know, you’re a Western world person. You don’t have any right to be sad about anything, ever. I just imagine that I look upwards and there’s an entire dance floor full of men and they’ve got no trousers or pants on and they’re just dancing. They’re just really going for it to Taylor Swift – Shake It Off and I’m just waving, just waving back at them. “The world is full of pain and death is meaningless, “but it’s all going to be OK. How do we know? “Because Sara Pascoe told us “just before we gave her a big round of applause.” CHEERING AND APPLAUSE SHE MOUTHS Thank you so much for having me. Good night, bye-bye! Thank you so much, bye-bye! | CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Hello, my name is Sara Pascoe. I never want you to stop clapping. Now, what’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me? Oh, God, I miss it. Now it’s my turn. Thank you so much for having me. I’m going to tell you the worst thing first, the bad thing. I’m 35 years old. That’s not the bad thing, unless you’re trying to get me pregnant. I’m 35, which is the oldest I’ve ever been, and, look, I’m enjoying ageing. We’re supposed to hate ourselves, but I don’t. I’m really enjoying it. I feel more confident and I know myself better, but what’s been happening is I’ve started remembering things – memories from adolescence, things I’ve completely forgotten – they’re dropping back into my brain fully formed and I remember something about a year and a half ago. I’m going to tell you this as the first thing cos it’s going to make you not like me and then I’m going to try and win you back. Doesn’t always work! So basically what I’d forgotten, but then I remembered… So when I was 18, I didn’t have very much money, but I did have a best friend called Shelley and she didn’t have very much money, either, so what we would do, we went to parties, we had a system whereby Shelley would give somebody a blow job in exchange for a gram of cocaine… ..which we would then both take! And I had completely forgotten about this and, looking back, I cannot believe that I did that. It is such an unethical drug. It ruins lives all over the world. Also, obviously, of course, I don’t think that that was an appropriate system. I don’t think that system is OK, but when I was 18, I felt very grown up and autonomous and I thought that I could make my own decisions and so could Shelley and now I’m 35, I feel incredibly protective over teenage girls. They’re so young, it’s such a formative stage. I look back and I see I was a terrible friend. I never told her to do that, but I also never told her not to so I started to feel really guilty and I wanted to apologise to Shelley, but we’re not really in touch any more because people don’t tend to invite their pimp to their wedding. So I had to kind of write her a message and the beginning of the message was what I’ve just said to you. “Oh, I’ve forgotten, “but then I remembered how when we used to go to parties, “you’d give oral sex in exchange for narcotics and, looking back, “I should have dissuaded you “or suggested we got part-time work “and I feel really sorry about this now,” and I said, “Shelley, I hope wherever you are in your life, you’re really happy,” and then I sat back and I waited for her to reply to me cos I thought she would say it was fine and then I could feel better and I was waiting and waiting and she was not replying so I started to get paranoid, like, “Maybe she does hate me now,” and then I checked back about a week later and she’d deleted it off her wall. So there’s just no way of knowing. And I feel really bad about this and the thing is, this is the thing, this is the point I’m trying to make – I want to be a good person. I want to be on the right team, I want to be one of the good guys, but the more I think about anything, the more complicated it becomes in terms of knowing whether you’re a good person or not and also the terms “bad” and “good”, they’re subjective. They mean different things to different people. Most people agree Stalin, “Oh, very bad,” but if you were a gulag maker… ..you’d be into him. Oh, Mother Theresa, most people agree, “Oh, very good.” If you were Princess Diana, bitch is your competition so… So, like, all the recent stuff with Brexit, I find it so confusing because the whole thing with Europe, like, it seems like there’s sensible arguments on both sides and I don’t think we talk enough about that now. I don’t really understand it. Everyone I know from comedy’s really intelligent and they know their own minds and half of my friends, they’re all talking about how the EU are creating our laws and we hadn’t elected them and that’s undemocratic and then the other half are saying, “But if we actually leave, “our economy is going to get even weaker, “the vulnerable in society will become even more vulnerable,” and I’m thinking, “How can you be making a decision “between the economy and democracy?” It’s like they said to us all, “Guys, your house is on fire, “but if you put it out, gravity will stop working.” Good luck! What?! The whole thing feels like a game of Would You Rather. You know when you were little, you would go to sleepovers and play this game called Would You Rather, but it was always two things you didn’t want. You just had to choose which one you didn’t want the least. “Would you rather have massive hands “but they’re not attached to your body “or tiny hands but they’re strangling you? “Oh, and, by the way, one of them means you’re racist.” What?! It’s too hard. Why are you asking us? And another thing where the right and wrong is unclear to me, sometimes it can be… Basically, Uber. Now, most of you will know what Uber is, but just in case you don’t, it’s a taxi but with judgment. Oh, you get a review at the end. I’ve only got four stars on Uber. I’ve lost one and I don’t know how, but I sat there quietly, I was wearing my seat belt and deodorant, which is more than I can say for you, Nicolai. But they have a really aggressive business model. Lots of these companies do now and so it’s that thing of the short term vs the long term. In the long term, basically, they under-price taxi drivers and cab drivers in this country. Uber don’t pay tax here. In the long run, Uber is terrible for everyone, but in the short term, it’s brilliant for the individual because it is cheaper and also it’s marketed, especially at women, to make us feel safer – the fact that more people are getting cabs home, the fact the driver comes to where you’re standing cos of the phone signal and then they put a little picture of the Uber driver on there to kind of reassure you about who’s coming to pick you up and the Uber drivers, as a funny prank, have taken the scariest photographs that they can. There must be a competition in the office. They’re always on their phone from below with eyes like they hate you and you’re only ever asking for one because you’re scared cos it’s half-two in the morning and you’re pissed and you’re thinking, “Oh, no, it’s really very dodgy round here. I’m going to be a sensible lady and get myself an Uber,” and then you press it and it goes, “Arnab’s on his way.” “Shit.” Cos this guy’s definitely coming to kill me. And you can see where he is cos there’s a little map. You can see him in his tiny car. He’s only a minute away, he’s just turning around from the knife shop. You know you’ve only got 60 seconds to get out of there. So you’re fretting, like, “Oh, no, what shall I do? “Shall I flag down a stranger’s car and ask him to rescue me? “What if that guy is a murderer? “At least with Arnab, there’s a paper trail. “If I go missing, he’ll be the first person they’ll check with. “I better wait.” And by then, he’s arrived and then to check that it’s him, because of the angle he’s taken the photo at, to check that it’s him, you have to bend down and look upwards. You had to kind of get in the passenger side footwell. “Arnab?” And often, by then, it’s too late. I’m being very naughty. I shouldn’t be scaremongering about Uber. I only actually know one person who says that they were murdered by an Uber driver. That was my sister and she’s lied about this kind of thing before. No, this sounds like it’s bad on her. Everyone in my family, we’re all liars. We’re the worst kind of liar cos we really believe ourselves and we never, ever admit that something’s not true, no matter what evidence you have. So I’ll give you an example and to be fair to them, I’ll give you a me example cos they’re angry with me with how much I talk about them. “Rub that bit out!” So, to be fair to them, I’ll give you a me example. About 14 years ago, 15, maybe, at Christmas time, I had too much to drink and I was very emotionally involved with an EastEnders storyline and I told my sister that I was her real mum. She still doesn’t know that I’m not and I’ll never let her find out and I’m only 18 months older than her so I’ve had to tell quite a lot of other lies to make it seem believable. Now, the one place that I will not lie is in my relationship because I’ve found that the truth hurts more. My entire relationship is built on beautiful honesty, apart from there’s one lie that I told him, but it was accidental. So when we first got together, I told him that before we’d met, I had joined the Mile High Club because I thought that I had. Back story – I watched a film when I was about eight and a character in that film mentioned the Mile High Club. Now, at the time, I was in the Burger King Kids Club. That was working out brilliantly and I was keen to join more clubs and so my ears pricked up at this mention and I didn’t even watch the end of the film, I just ran through my house looking for an adult that I could ask about it. The first one I find was my Uncle Trevor. Now, looking back, I don’t know why he was in my house. I’m really suspicious about it, but it’s, like, too late to do anything about it now, like, “Repress it! “Stop thinking about it! Why didn’t he have a shirt on? I don’t know! “I don’t know!” Everyone’s divorced now, it’s fine. It doesn’t matter. So, Uncle Trevor, I was like, “Oh, Uncle Trevor, Uncle Trevor, “how does one get membership to this Mile High Club?” And he was obviously a little bit thrown cos he thought about it for a second and he was like, “Oh… “Oh, yeah, that’s when you’re on an aeroplane “and you go to the toilet for a long time.” Yes, so I thought it was doing a poo on an aeroplane and no-one disabused me of that notion for 25 years, which means that every time I’ve been asked in my life, which is probably about seven or eight times, “Oh, Sara, have you joined the Mile High Club?” I’ve always answered in the same way by going, “Yes, every time I fly! “I think it’s the nerves!” I’m going to say something in about 30 seconds and it’s, erm, sexist. I’m about to say something that’s quite sexist, but you have to understand that I know that it’s sexist so it’s OK cos that is the system. So, I earn more money than my boyfriend does, which is fine, and that means that I have to pay for everything that we do, which I don’t mind and he’s all right with it, but in the olden days, in the ’80s, there used to be this system where, like, a man would buy dinner and a woman would put out. Now, I’m not saying that I agree with that. The idea that a woman is economically dependent on a man is disgusting. The idea that a man expects sex just because he’s paid is awful, but what is worse is that it doesn’t work the other way round. Well, what I’ve found is if it is the woman that’s paid for dinner and the weekly shop and the electricity bill, oh, then he never puts out because apparently you’ve emasculated him by asking for a thank-you dance. Double standards! It’s not fair and so this is true, I don’t think me and my boyfriend have enough sex. He says that me talking about it on stage is not helping. 1-0. And so I’m trying to… I’m trying to spice things up. I’m trying to seduce him, that’s what I want to do. What I do when I’m in the mood for lovemaking, I want to try and entice him, I shave my entire body – head to toe. No, it’s too high! This is seduction, not a ’90s pop star breakdown. I shave from my chin down to my big toe and then, in order to let him know in a subtle way, I don’t rinse the bath. Yeah! He knows what I’m saying! Erm, if you are sitting there thinking, “Wow, that woman just told us a really gross thing about herself,” wait till you hear this next thing. At Christmas, we got presents for each other. I don’t know why I’m explaining. “You know, Christmas presents…” “Ever heard of Christmas presents?” Well, we did it one year. We’re crazy. Now, he opened my present first. I had bought us a holiday to Barbados and it was all-inclusive and I’d never been on that kind of holiday before, I’d never spent that kind of money before and I was thrilled to give it to him and then he gave me my present and I opened it and it was an electric toothbrush. Hmm. And then there was this tension in the house, like I could tell that he was sadder than usual during the gratitude boogie. I waited for him to finish and then I was like, “Oh, are you all right?” And he was like, “No, I’m really embarrassed “about the discrepancy in our presents. “Just please promise me you’ll never tell anyone about this.” But I am telling anyone and the reason is I thought about it and my initial response was wrong. So you think my present is a better or bigger present cos it’s more expensive, but, no, a holiday, that is a finite thing. Seven days, even if they are amazing days, seven days – done, gone forever. An electric toothbrush, that is something that I use every single day to masturbate. Guys! It’s a great present! I don’t use it as a toothbrush any more. I’m not disgusting. I just don’t brush my teeth. I don’t need to, I’m too happy. I’m happy all of the time. I’m telling you all my secrets. Another thing, I went away for about a month. About nine months ago, for a month, I went away for work. When I came back, my boyfriend had got my life insured. Oh, yeah, he’d taken out a life insurance policy on me and he’s behaving like this is a normal thing people do in relationships, like it’s a stage that you get to. “Oh, Sara, how’s it going with John?” I’m like, “Oh, yes, pretty good, very serious. “We’re at that bit where you make sure you financially benefit “if the other one dies.” I want him to cancel it. Also, I don’t think I need it. I can’t… I just don’t think I’m going to die. It just doesn’t feel like the kind of thing I’d do. It’s a waste of money, I want him to cancel this direct debit. “Stop it, it’s creepy,” and he’s, like, being all defensive, like, “No, Sara, think about it – if something was to happen to you, “I wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage on my own,” right, which does sound sensible. Callous, but sensible, until I tell you that we don’t own a property. We rent a flat like everybody else. That mortgage is something he’s getting later on with his winnings if something was to happen to me, but this is the thing about falling in love, which is something that obviously every single person does. We fall in love. We don’t wait until we know everything about someone and then decide, “That’s it, you deserve my heart.” No, you learn a few things about someone and then you fall in love and then you continue to learn new things and some of those things are great. They’re like cute faces and funny noises and… Oh, look, my boyfriend, he collects Nectar points like it’s a computer game, like deadly serious, and he never spends them cos he thinks that Nectar points can outlast sterling as currency, which might not be mad, but other of the things that you find out are just like, “Oh, no! It’s too late, I love you now!” My boyfriend doesn’t like dogs. AUDIENCE: – Ohhh… Thank you for that appropriate reaction. He doesn’t like dogs, I found out about eight months in. He doesn’t think that they’re handsome or want to pet them and won’t let me get one. My ambition my entire life has just been to work really, really hard, make enough money to give a dog an incredible life and that would be a life well lived and now, essentially, I am waiting for him to die. Obviously, it will be sad. It is going to be a really sad day. “Oh, no, the love of my life has drowned. Oh, gosh, this is…” But it’s bittersweet, like… “I can get a dog now.” So what I’m trying to say is I do understand the life insurance thing, I get it, it’s just that money is his dogs. So what we’re doing at the moment – and I find this kind of embarrassing to talk about – me and my boyfriend are currently, or have been for a while, trying to make a baby, get pregnant. Now, I hate all of the language around this. Essentially, all it means you’re having sex without a condom on, like it’s the ’90s, but we’ve been trying for about 2½ years, which is quite a long time. It turns out that getting pregnant is a lot like learning a language in that it is much easier when you are a child. When I was 15, I was pregnant all the time. I was the girl you heard about in rumours. I got pregnant from a toilet seat. I got pregnant from borrowing a boy’s towel and now it’s so much more difficult and there’s all this stuff that you’re supposed to do if you’re trying to get pregnant. If you’re the woman, you’re not supposed to drink alcohol. If you’re a woman over 30 who normally drinks every day and you turn up to see your friends and be like, “Oh, no, I’m not drinking tonight,” they assume you’re already pregnant. It’s going to be awkward in three months – everyone’s giving you knowing glances and stretchy trousers. It’s so much easier just to go straight in, have a sambuca, no conversation. Also, you’re not supposed to drink caffeine. You’re not allowed to have coffee. How am I going to get pregnant if I’m angry or asleep? And I’ve had to buy all of these ovulation testing kits and they look like pregnancy tests. They cost nine quid each, they’re so expensive and it looks like a pregnancy test. You take the lid off to wake it up and then it has a little screen in its belly, which then flashes up a picture of itself, like, “I can get myself pregnant. “What’s your problem?” Then you have to wee on it, which is hard when something’s that expensive. You have to wee on it and also for ages, like, much longer than you think – like, 13 minutes. You wee on it and then you put the lid back on. It’s supposed to think for two minutes and then come up with where you are in your ovulatory cycle so you don’t waste the one sex you have a month and all that happens when I’ve done it is it just comes up with a picture of a book, which means that I’ve done it wrong and I need to reread the instructions, and then I break it cos I’m angry and I’m sitting there holding broken bits of plastic, hands covered in my own piss, no trousers on, thinking, “Could I really keep another human alive?” And I have an espresso Martini to cheer myself up. So I’ve got this fun thing. I’ve got polycystic ovaries or PCOS and that’s very, very common and lots of women have it. What is means is that your ovaries make an egg and then rather than going anywhere, just forms a cyst to decorate you beautifully. What this means is you have a higher than you should have level of testosterone in your system, which does mean that you have an increased sex drive, but it also means that no-one will have sex with you because of your fine beard and moustache. Nature is amazing! And this is the thing – the longer you go without having children, the older you get, the more people start to ask you about it and I’m aware they always mean really well. It comes from a really good place. My younger sisters and my friends are having kids. They’re all having this wonderful time, they don’t want anyone to miss out on this experience, but my problem with that is the experience they are having is subjective. It’s personal to them. I have had my own wonderful personal subjective experiences, like I’ve been on QI. I have never, ever said to anybody, like, “Oh, have you been on QI? “Awww! “You should go on QI! “No, I didn’t think that I wanted to be on QI until I was ON QI “and then it was like I looked back “and my entire life had been leading up to me being on QI. “When I saw Stephen Fry’s face for the first time, “I was filled with so much love. “Yes, it’s very tiring being on QI, “but it’s so worth it and I just wouldn’t want you “to leave it too late and they’ll have stopped making it.” This is the thing, it’s true – me and my boyfriend, we have sex about once a month and I would like to have more of it and what I blame it on, I blame it on pornography. I think it’s because pornography exists and I can’t compete with it. Now, he denies this, but he has a lockable study and in there, there’s a computer where he could put in a couple of search terms and then he can watch all of these men and women enthusiastically pretending to like doing stuff that I’m not going to pretend to like doing and I’m not going to do. I don’t like doing anything. I like having three things done to me very gently while I lie there. That’s my sex style. I’m saying that to all of you, I’m warning you in case any of us ever get together. That’s open to people of all genders. I’m trying to have more sex with women since I found out lesbians are very good at the three things I like. Oh, the thing is with pornography, I think when you start going out with someone, this is how I’m going to solve it – when you start going out with someone, you should be able to scan your picture into their computer and then whenever they look at pornography, as is their right, all of the banner ads have got your face on them. Fun! We could customise them, like, “Women waiting for you to put the bins out in your area!” Fun! This is such a hack observation, it’s been made so many times, but I do think gay people are having much better quality sex than straight people and it makes sense to me because I just think that they understand the machinery, the mechanics a lot more. I think a lot of the reason that I’ll be with my boyfriend until the end of his life in a horrible drowning accident… I’m just covered with dogs! I think a lot of the reason is I can’t be bothered to train a new man not to hurt me. You know when you’ve fancied someone for weeks and months and you feel electric and alert and incredible around them and then you finally get to go to bed with them and it should be so great and it’s… Ow! Ow! Ow! Who was your ex-girlfriend, a hole that you dug? Just be careful! We’re so precious, just be careful. I know now it sounds like I’m kind of ragging on straight men. I’m not. Of course it works both ways. I give a terrible hand job. Oh, so bad. I’ve been ashamed my entire life of the quality and I realise it’s a form of empathy failure and I realise this because my friend, she’s so clever and she was talking about misogyny, misogynists, and she said something so succinct. She was like, “Oh, Sara, “the problem with misogynists is they treat women “like we’re broken men, “as if our differences mean we’re flawed “or we’re less good in some way.” I was like, “That’s it, that’s everything. You’ve just described it so perfectly.” And then I realised I’ve been doing the same thing the opposite way round. My entire life, I’ve been treating men like they’re just very, very aggressive women and that if I can be calm around them and just move slowly, then maybe one day they’ll heal. What this means is when I touch a man’s body in a sexual way, I touch him how I like to be touched and I do not believe him when he says that that is not enjoyable. So this means that my technique for a hand job… I’ll show you. I’ll just show you! And then I just do some round-and-rounds. And then I just blow it some kisses from a distance. And they hate it. They’re like yelling out at me, like, “Grip it! “Grip it and move it up and down!” “I don’t want to! “I don’t want to make this situation any worse. “It already looks angry.” I’ve got a tattoo. I’m not changing the subject. I’ve got a tattoo that I keep hidden all of the time, but I will show to you. This tattoo ages me more than anything that will ever happen to my face. I have got a Japanese symbol on the bottom of my spine. That means I was alive when the Spice Girls came out and I was excited. Now, I keep it covered at all times and it’s not cos I’m ashamed of it, but because if anyone ever sees it, they go, “What’s your tramp stamp mean?” Cos apparently we’ve started calling them tramp stamps and I don’t know what kind of tramp that’s referring to, if it’s a loose woman or a vagrant man. Either way, it’s a compliment, but it’s a difficult question to answer so I just say that it means “fuck me harder” in Japanese. It saves me a lot of time when I’m over there! I’ve never been. I really want to go to Japan and I’ll tell you why. I was researching on the internet about how our different cultures respect female genitals because I can, I’ve got nothing to do in the day, and I found out about a nightclub, there’s only one like this in the world, it’s in Japan, and it’s on two floors and women get in for free if they go into the top floor if they’re wearing a skirt with no underwear because the dance floor’s see-through. It’s made of glass and men pay a huge amount of money to go to the floor underneath, where they buy overpriced drinks and sip them, looking upwards at women on the dance floor. Now, I was describing this the next day to my friend cos I thought I was going to get some material out of this. I was planning to do a routine about how maybe women don’t want to rise above the glass ceiling if we have to dance with our fannies out. Yeah, so I thought I could do this feminist light-hearted thing so I was describing it to my friend and I didn’t even get through it cos she kind of covered her eyes and was like… And I was like, “Oh, no, no, don’t get upset, don’t get angry. “I can’t work out if the men who go there… “I don’t know if they are disgusting creeps, “but maybe there could be something beautiful going on “cos they are, after all, just admiring the female form,” and then she was like, “Oh, no, that isn’t even what I was thinking. “I was just thinking that you could not do that the other way round “cos you’d keep thinking people were waving at you.” And now that’s what I think about whenever I’m sad. Whenever I need cheering up… You know, you’re a Western world person. You don’t have any right to be sad about anything, ever. I just imagine that I look upwards and there’s an entire dance floor full of men and they’ve got no trousers or pants on and they’re just dancing. They’re just really going for it to Taylor Swift – Shake It Off and I’m just waving, just waving back at them. “The world is full of pain and death is meaningless, “but it’s all going to be OK. How do we know? “Because Sara Pascoe told us “just before we gave her a big round of applause.” CHEERING AND APPLAUSE SHE MOUTHS Thank you so much for having me. Good night, bye-bye! Thank you so much, bye-bye! |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ali-wong-baby-cobra-2016-full-transcript/ | Ali Wong: Baby Cobra (2016) | Transcript | ali wong | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage: Ali Wong! Hi. Hello! Welcome! Thank you! Thank you for coming. Hello! Hello. We are gonna have to get this shit over with, ’cause I have to pee in, like, ten minutes. But thank you, everybody, so much for coming. Um… It’s a very exciting day for me. It’s been a very exciting year for me. I turned 33 this year. Yes! Thank you, five people. I appreciate that. Uh, I can tell that I’m getting older, because, now, when I see an 18-year-old girl, my automatic thought… is “Fuck you.” “Fuck you. I don’t even know you, but fuck you!” ‘Cause I’m straight up jealous. I’m jealous, first and foremost, of their metabolism. Because 18-year-old girls, they could just eat like shit, and then they take a shit and have a six-pack, right? They got that-that beautiful inner thigh clearance where they put their feet together and there’s that huge gap here with the light of potential just radiating through. And then, when they go to sleep, they just go to sleep. Right? They don’t have insomnia yet. They don’t know what it’s like to have to take a Ambien or download a Meditation Oasis podcast to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family just cluttering your mind. They have their whole lives ahead of them. They don’t have HPV yet. They just go to sleep in peace at night. Everybody has HPV, OK? Everybody has it. It’s OK. Come out already. Everybody has it. If you don’t have it yet, you go and get it. You go and get it. It’s coming. You don’t have HPV yet, you’re a fucking loser, all right? That’s what that says about you. A lot of men don’t know that they have HPV, because it’s undetectable in men. It’s really fucked up. HPV is a ghost that lives inside men’s bodies and says, “Boo!” in women’s bodies. My doctor told me that I have one of two strains of HPV. Either I have the kind that’s gonna turn into cervical cancer… …or I have the kind where my body will heal itself. Very helpful, this doctor, right? So, basically, either I’m gonna die… or you’re in the presence of Wolverine, bitches. We’ll find out. Um, I can also tell that I’m getting older, because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library. I’m not interested in books like Fifty Shades of Grey, OK? I’m interested in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Yes. Yes, that’s right, how to declutter my home to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success. That’s what your 30s is all about. How can I turn this shit around? I’m a horrible person, I’m not happy with where I am, how can I turn this shit around? Help me, Tony Robbins, help me!
I have a hoarding problem, which I’m hoping is the center of all of my other problems. I’m hoping that if the hoarding goes away, the HPV will also disappear. I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country and she taught me that you can never throw away anything, because you never know when a dictator’s gonna overtake the country and snatch all your wealth. So, you better hold onto that retainer from the third grade, ’cause it might come in handy as a shovel when you’re busy stuffing gold up your butt and running away from the Communists.
The last time I was at home in San Francisco, I was trying to help her get rid of shit. Don’t ever do that with your mom. It was like the worst experience of my life. It was so emotional. We were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax when she refused to let go of a Texas Instruments TI-82… manual. The manual. She don’t even know… where the calculator is. Those of you under 25 probably don’t know what that calculator is. It was this calculator that bamboozled my generation. We were all required to buy it when we were in eight grade. It cost like $200. And everybody thought it was like this Judy Jetson’s laptop from the future. All because what? It could graph. It was like the Tesla of my time. And my mom got so emotional about the manual and she was like, “You never know when you might need this.” And I was like, “But… I do know… that I’m gonna have to clean all this shit up when you die.” “And I’m not trying to be a procrastinator anymore. Because according to Deepak-Oprah, that’s not the way for me to achieve my optimum level of success.” I grew up a lot this past year. Uh, this past year I also got married. Yeah. To a man who now has HPV. Very lucky guy. He gave me something. I gave him something. That will also last forever. No, really. I’m the lucky girl, because before him, I dated a lot of losers. Lots of losers. A lot of skaters. You wanna be a grown-ass woman, stop dating skaters. Stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen. They’re sexy on the outside, malt liquor on the inside. Horrible. But my husband, I first met him at this wedding and, uh, he’s– he’s much better looking than me, he’s way out of my league, and I saw him and I was like, “Oh, my God, who is that?” And the first thing I learned about him was that, at the time, he was attending Harvard Business School. And I was like, “Oh, my God, I’m gonna trap his ass.” “Going to trap his ass!” And I trapped his ass initially by not kissing him until the fifth date, which is a very unusual move on my part. But I did it on purpose, because I knew that he was a catch. So I was like, “All right, Ali, you gotta make this dude believe that your body is a secret garden.” When, really, it’s a public park… …that has hosted many reggae fests… …and has even accidentally let… two homeless people inside. I thought they were hipsters, OK? That store Urban Outfitters has made things very confusing… for my generation. You homeless or you a hipster? Is that beard for fashion or for warmth? It happened to… It happened in San Francisco, when I was living there, and I saw this guy in broad daylight and we had, like, we had… We had so much chemistry. He was like, “Hey, wassup?” I was like, “Wassup?” And we– The next thing I knew, we were getting busy in the back of my Volvo. And then after we were done, he was like, “Hey, can you drop me off?” I was like, “Where?” He was like, “At the park.” And I dropped him off at Golden Gate Park and watched him run into the middle with all his other homeless friends, and I was like, “Oh, no!” “I just fucked a homeless dude! Again!” My husband is Asian. Which a lot of people are shocked by, because, usually, Asian-American women who, like, you know, wear these kinda glasses and have a lot of opinions, they like to date white dudes. You go to any hipster neighborhood in a major city in America and that shit is turning into a Yoko Ono factory. It’s… too much. I don’t know what’s wrong with these bitches. I get it, you know, because being with a white dude you feel very… You feel very picturesque when you’re with a white dude, you know. You feel like you’re in a Wes Anderson movie or something. And you know, white dudes, they teach you about a lot of cool stuff like voting and recycling, and disturbing documentaries. They introduce you to cool stuff like that and it’s very, you know, it’s hot hookin’ up with a white dude. I mean, nothing makes me feel more powerful than when a white dude eats my pussy. Oh, my God. I just feel like I’m absorbing all of that privilege and all of that entitlement… …you know, just right there, through the money hole and just… And then also, he’s so vulnerable down there. I’m, like, “I could just crush your head at any moment, white man! I could just kill you right now! Crush those brains! Colonize the colonizer!” You know? But I think that for marriage, it can be nice to be with somebody of your own race. The advantage is that you get to go home… and be racist together. You get to say whatever you like! You don’t gotta explain shit. My husband, half-Filipino, half-Japanese. I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese. And we spend 100 percent of our time shitting on Korean people. It’s… amazing. It’s what love is built on, you know? My last boyfriend was Cuban and his family would shit on Mexican people all the time. And I was like, “Hold it. You guys aren’t Mexican?” Asian-American men are very underrated. I don’t know why people don’t go for them. They’re the sexiest. Asian men are the sexiest. They got no body hair from the neck down. It’s like making love to a dolphin. Oh, my God. It’s so smooth, just like a slip and slide. Just black fish, Tilikum, all up in my bed every night, you know? Ooh-wee. You mess with a Jewish dude and your body is all fucked up afterwards. It’s all red and inflamed and you’re like, “I did not ask to be exfoliated today.” “This is the last time I go on J-date, more like loofah date. Thanks for the rug burn, Avi.” And then Asian men, no body odor. None. They just smell like responsibility. That’s where the umami flavor comes from. I think my husband and I have a huge unspoken understanding, uh, between each other, because he’s half-Filipino and half-Japanese and I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese. So, we’re both half-fancy Asian… …and half-jungle Asian. Yeah! You guys know the difference. The fancy Asians are the Chinese, the Japanese. They get to do fancy things like host Olympics. Jungle Asians host diseases. It’s… It’s different. But he grew up on the East Coast, going to private school, playing lacrosse, uh, you know, learning Latin and playing chess and rugby. He grew up like Filipino Carlton, OK? So, he didn’t know anything about Vietnamese people until he met me. And on one of our first dates, he took me to this restaurant on the west side of Los Angeles called Pho Show. He was like, “It’s authentic Vietnamese. I read about it on Yelp!” I was like, “It’s not authentic, OK?” You can tell, first and foremost, by the name, ’cause it don’t got a number in it. Second of all, you can tell by the bathroom. If it was legit, the bathroom would double as a supply closet. When I pee, I need to see ten gallons of bleach, an ATM machine and a grandma with glaucoma napping in the corner. And the wait staff here is too nice. We need to leave this restaurant deaf and emotionally abused. I grew up going to private school, too. Him and I are both total, like, private school Asians. We both are big hippies, too. We like to backpack through Southeast Asia. We like to do yoga. We do ayahuasca ceremonies. We do silent meditation retreats. That’s right, we pay $800 to shut up for a weekend. We do shit like that. Uh, we eat gluten-free, which means we eat all that bread that tastes like free-range Chewbacca. We eat that lesbian bread that’s like… …a thousand percent of your daily fiber… and 20 percent spoken word poetry. When you eat it, you queef a shitty poem about… …supporting Caitlyn Jenner or whatever. And so, it’s funny, right, because he’s Asian, too. But sometimes, all of this hippy-dippy shit we do… makes me feel like we are white people doing an impression of Asian people. Like, we have these Chinese scrolls up on the wall… and neither of us know what the fuck they mean. We’re like, “Oh, that seems to go very well with our Buddha piggy bank from Pier 1 Imports. That seems to be providing some good feng shui for the house. Him and I had been dating for four years and I– I just had this sneaking suspicion that he was gonna propose… because… I had been pressuring him to do it. So, you know, I just had this wacky women’s intuition. That’s how proposals really work, OK? A woman has to incept the idea into the man’s head. First passively and then if he doesn’t get the message, extremely aggressively. You gotta threaten to leave without ever actually leaving, because you know that you’re too old and it’s too late to go back out there and find a new man and start the whole manipulation cycle all over again. So, you’re like, “I’m just gonna stick with this dude, focus on trapping this dude, and just nag the shit outta him until he becomes weak and caves in and gets fed up and is like, “Shut the fuck up! Fine, will you marry me?” And then afterwards, the woman is always, like, “Oh, my God! He proposed!” “It came outta nowhere. And look, he got me the exact ring I wanted. How did he know? Maybe he saw it on my Pinterest page or something… that I sent to my best friend, that I told her to send to him every day.” Let me tell you something. If a man has a Pinterest page… he’s probably Pinterested in men. We got engaged on a Saturday. I bought my wedding dress the following Tuesday… because I had tried it on in 2012. I was ready. I was ripe. I was rotten. I need to be made into banana bread. That’s how rotten I was. People are always very surprised at how, off-stage, with my husband, I’m a completely different person. You– Like, you would not recognize my personality at all with him. With him, I’m very soft, and, like, very nurturing and very domestic. We’ve been together now for five years, and for five years, I’ve packed his lunch every single day. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. I did that so that he’d become dependent on me. ‘Cause he graduated from Harvard Business School, and I don’t wanna work anymore. I don’t. I straight up don’t wanna work anymore. I don’t feed him out of the goodness of my heart. I do it as an investment in my financial future. ‘Cause I don’t wanna work anymore. I’ve been reading that book by Sheryl Sandberg, she’s the C.O.O. of Facebook, and she wrote that book that got women all riled up about our careers. Talking about how we as women should challenge ourselves to sit at the table and rise to the top. And her book is called Lean In. Well, I don’t wanna lean in, OK? I wanna lie down. I want to lie the fuck down. I think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women. Our job used to be no job. We had it so good. We could have done the smart thing, which would have been to continue playing dumb for the next century and be like, “We’re dumb women. We don’t know how to do anything. So, I guess we better just stay at home all day and eat snacks and watch Ellen.” “‘Cause we’re too stupid to have any real responsibility.” And then, all these women had to show off and be like, “We could do it! We could do anything.” “Bitch, shut up!” “Don’t tell them the secret.” They ruined it for us, and now we’re expected to work. When I hear the phrase, “Double-income household,” I wanna throw up. A lot of women get very upset with me about those comments. And they’re like, “But, Ali, we have so many more options now.” Oh, you don’t think we had a lot of options when our day was free? Unscheduled, unsupervised, and most importantly, sponsored? Do you know how much shittier food tastes when you know you have to earn it? A lot of my friends, when we walk around together, they’ll get very judgmental about housewives that we’ll see on the street. And they’ll be like, “Look at that fucking housewife. Not doing anything. Look at that housewife, just walking around all day, getting massages in her Lululemon pants.” I’m like, “That bitch is a genius.” “She’s not a housewife, she’s retired.” I do write for Fresh Off the Boat on ABC. Yeah. Which is… It’s a great show. I love it a lot. I love my co-workers. It’s a great writing staff and in terms of day jobs, it’s probably one of the best you could ask for, but I still gotta work at a office every day. Which means I gotta shit in a office every day. Housewives, they don’t gotta shit in a office. Housewives get to shit in their house. Skin to seat. They don’t gotta use that horrible toilet paper cover. They don’t gotta… …ten times a day, every day… like you’re about to eat a sad-ass meal. They don’t gotta do that. They don’t gotta use that one-ply toilet paper, that office toilet paper, that they purposely make difficult to pull out. They try to ration me with their communist toilet paper that’s not even effective. It basically just dehydrates your butt hole. It’s basically like wiping your butt with the desert. I literally spat on my toilet paper two days ago, to try to make a MacGyver baby wipe, to moisten it, and then it backfired ’cause my fingers broke through and digitally stimulated more doo doo to come out, and then I had to start all over again. And you can never finish wiping at work because you always feel rushed ’cause you’re paranoid that your co-worker’s gonna recognize your shoes underneath the stall. And you’re like, “Oh, no! Courtney’s listening. She’s waiting. She’s timing me.” And then you hurry, hurry, hurry, and then you never finish wiping and then your butt hole feels caked in doo doo all day long. And then if you dare scratch yourself, your underwear at the end of the day looks like it’s been run over by the Goonies. Housewives, they don’t gotta muffle their shit, too. They don’t gotta worry about the velocity with which their doo doo comes out. They don’t gotta try to, you know, squeeze the butt cheeks together to make sure that the doo doo comes out at a slow and steady pace, so that no unpredictable noise suddenly escapes and brings you deep, deep shame. Housewives are free to just blow ass into the toilet and let it echo and reverberate to the ends of their hallways while watching as much Netflix on their iPad as they want. They don’t gotta take these boring, repressed shits. They can listen to podcasts. Planet Money. They can do whatever they want. You know, it’s– it’s very distracting for me when I hear my co-workers blow ass into the toilet. I lose respect for them. Nothing they say to me anymore holds any sort of credence. I heard one of my co-workers blow ass into the toilet the other day. This bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say, “You need to get to work on time.” I was like, “You need to eat bananas.” “I saw those green ballet flats. I know that shit was you. Don’t try to tell me to get my shit together when I heard you not have your shit together.” My father-in-law had this huge sit-down with me and my husband recently. Um, and he was like, “Hey, I wanna talk to you guys about money. You guys need to make a lot more money if you wanna provide your children with the same kind of privileged childhood that you guys had.” I was like, “Why you telling me this shit? I should not be a part of this conversation. You tell you son that. Don’t your understand that I trapped your son for his earning potential? Why else would I choose to fuck one person for the rest of my life? I chose to marry him on the promise of early retirement, and when I said, ‘I do,’ what I really meant was, ‘Oh, I’m done.'” I’m done. I don’t wanna work anymore and I’m not dieting anymore. Since I got married last year, I’ve been eating fried chicken skin every day since. That’s right. And just fulfilling my destiny. Which is to turn into a circle with eyelashes. Like Mrs. Pacman, just… Let’s redecorate. I gave up a lot of myself when I got married. I’m a– I’m a disgusting pervert. I’m a pervert. I’m a gross filthy animal. And I think it’s because I started watching porn at a very young age. And what happens when you start watching porn at a young age is that… y-you get sicker, and sicker, and sicker. The images you crave get sicker, and sicker, and sicker, but it’s OK, because the Internet will always catch up to you. I broke up with my last boyfriend because he refused to put it in the back. I was like, “Uh, you’re a idiot, dude. Do you realize that if I went on Craigslist… and posted ‘Tiny Asian female seeking anal…’ the Internet would crash.” “And all the Jewish male heads in the universe would simultaneously explode.” They would explode. A lot of women get really, you know… freaked out about anal. And they’re like, “Oh, I don’t wanna do that. I’m scared of– of the pain.” You ain’t scared of the pain. Women, they wax their eyebrows, they do all sorts of crazy shit. You’re not scared of the pain. What you’re really scared of is doo doo on the dick. You’re scared that he’s gonna see that and that’s gonna be all of your shame, your inner evil, all your secrets and lies. Sephora can’t help you now. But don’t worry, ’cause when he puts it in the butt, all he’s thinking about is, “I just put it in her butt.” “I gotta go call my mom, my dad, Dave, my grandma.” You’re– If you’re married, you’re gonna have to do anal eventually, OK? You have to, because you gotta change it up. You gotta change it up, so that you don’t cheat on each other. You gotta keep it interesting. If you put it in different holes, maybe you’ll feel like you’re fucking different people. I was very sexually active in my 20s, and as a result, I’m a little bit… …stretched out down there, OK? So, when I finally did anal, I just felt like I got a second chance at life, you know? I was, like, “Oh, my God! It’s like I’m going back in time!” ♪ A whole new world ♪ It was magical. A big fantasy of mine before I got married was to help as many men as possible discover their prostate. Yeah, like a conqueror. I just wanted to… Now, if you haven’t done it before, ladies, go home and treat yourself. Do it tonight. You only live once. YOLO. Just sneak your– Just give your man a little– a little push-push in the tush-tush. Just give him a little Atari, you know, and you’ll get a lot of resistance from the man at first. You’ll get a lot of “No! No! No! No, please! No, really, I don’t– No! I don’t! I don’t! No!” They get all squirmy wormy because… they’re scared. They’re scared that if you stick your thumb up there and succeed, and they like it, that then, it might mean that they’re gay. And I like that fear. That shit turns me on, you know? Especially when that fear metamorphosizes into pleasure. Oh, my God! And you just see the look in the man’s eye like he’s discovered nirvana. And it’s like you’re the first lady to show him that he had a magical clit in his butt hole. And then, you as the woman, in his eyes, just become the Lord of the Rim, you know? My husband is unfortunately just not as freaky as me. When– When I’ve asked him to spank me, this is what he does. “Hey. Hey, are you OK? Are you all right? You know I respect you, right?” I’m, like, “Yes, I know you respect me and that’s why you need to abuse me. OK?” ‘Cause it’s the most strong-headed, loud-mouthed women who like to be abused the most in bed. Women who are C.E.O.s, they just wanna be roughed around. They just want their– Glasses always means the woman wants some– It’s because we’re so in control all the time, that we just wanna experience some risk and be out of control, you know? Like, “I don’t wanna die! Don’t kill me! I don’t wanna die!” But I also don’t want to be sure that I’m gonna live. You know? I just wanna be out of control for once. Just– Just choke me enough so that I can’t talk. ‘Cause if I can talk, I’m gonna tell you what to do. And I’m tired of being the boss. I’m the boss all the time, so, in the bedroom, you be the boss. Yes. Because I’m the real boss. And I told you so, motherfucker, so do it. Sheryl Sandberg, that woman who wrote Lean In, has had such a big impact that now, because of her, there is a ban on the word “bossy” in elementary schools, because according to her, it’s sexist to use the word “bossy,” because boys are never called bossy. So, now, instead of saying, “You’re bossy,” you’re supposed to say, “You have executive leadership skills.” Which is a very roundabout way of saying: “You’re a little cunt.” I’m just waiting for the right moment to, like, become a housewife, financially, you know? I want my husband to get us to, like, a certain point financially. I wanna get to the point as a couple where I can comfortably afford sliced mango. Know what I’m talking about? I’m talking about that Whole Foods mango. That $10-a-box Whole Foods mango that was sliced by white people. That’s the kind of income bracket I’m striving for. That’s when you know you’ve made it, when you’re eating mango that was sliced by a dude named Noah. I want Noah mango… …Rebecca kiwi, Danielle pineapple. You know what else I want? I wanna be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk, see a quarter, and just keep on walking. Like a princess. I have some useful advice for all my Asian-American brothers and sisters. Yeah! Never go paintballing with a Vietnam veteran. So, I don’t know if you guys can tell, but I am seven and a half months pregnant. Yeah. It’s very rare and unusual to see a female comic perform pregnant, because female comics… don’t get pregnant. Just try to think of one. I dare you. There’s– None of them. Once they do get pregnant, they generally disappear. That’s not the case with male comics. Once they have a baby, they’ll get up on stage a week afterwards and they’ll be like, “Guys, I just had this fucking baby. That baby’s a little piece of shit. It’s so annoying and boring.” And all these other shitty dads in the audience are, like, “That’s hilarious. I identify.” And their fame just swells because they become this relatable family funny man all of a sudden. Meanwhile, the mom is at home, chapping her nipples, feeding the fucking baby, and wearing a frozen diaper ’cause her pussy needs to heal from the baby’s head shredding it up. She’s busy. So, I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. You know, a lot of my female stand-up comic friends who are a lot more successful and famous than me discouraged me from having a kid. And they were like, “Ali, why are you gonna have a kid? You just gonna become– You’re gonna disappear, and you’re gonna become some lame stay-at-home mom.” I was like, “Yeah, that’s the dream.” That’s the point. This is the ultimate trap. I won, you know? Another thing a lot of my friends said to me when they were discouraging me from having a kid, they were like, “Why are you gonna have a kid? Why don’t you just travel the world with your husband and just do whatever you want for the rest of your lives with no kid attached.” I was like, “Yeah, that’s cool… until my husband dies.” Which he’s definitely gonna before me. Because I’m a Asian woman, and therefore, guaranteed to live until I’m a billion. I’m guaranteed, like a turtle from the Galapagos, OK? We all know the phrase “black don’t crack.” Well, Asian don’t die. We don’t die. Especially the women, we live forever. And you know why we’re such bad drivers? Because we’re trying to die. We’re like, “Yeah! Let me see how invincible I really am!” “Imma make this left hand turn signal and ignore this red light completely.” “I’m gonna make a right turn– I changed my mind, it’s a U-turn!” “I changed my mind again. It’s a O-turn!” Every time I get into a car accident… …I’m like, “Oh, my God, not again!” I need to hide my face so that everybody doesn’t see that it’s what everybody thought it was gonna be. So embarrassing. My Toyota Corolla is a mess. There’s this huge bear claw scratch on the side from this aggressive brick wall that came out of nowhere. And then, on the hood, there’s multiple hand prints from pedestrians who have had to alert me of their existence. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m still here, you know? I need to have children to keep me company when I get older. It’s lonely. My mom is 80, going through a full blown mid-life crisis. ‘Cause she knows that she’s got a century more to go. And she is so lonely. All of her white friends, dead. Her Mexican friends, dead. Black friends, dead. I’m just kidding. She doesn’t have any black friends. Life is not Rush Hour, the movie, OK? I need children to be there for me when I’m older, when I get as old as her. And when I say be there for me, I mean pay for me when my husband isn’t around to support me anymore. I’m not trying to be one of those old Chinese ladies who recycles for a living. That’s not my destiny, OK? Old Chinese ladies, they don’t give a fuck. They got no shame. They’re like, “I’m just gonna recycle… go bald… go to the park, do this shit.” They do that ’cause it’s a free activity. For them. They do it in their– their big-ass V. Stiviano visor, their Darth Vader-Tomb Raider- Boba Fett helmet. They wear that to protect themselves from their arch-nemesis, the sun. Their in a contest to see who’s gonna burn out first. Old Asian ladies and the sun are like the Tupac and Biggie of longevity. I also decided to have a kid because uh, I’m only 33, which, I know, is not technically high-risk, but my body was starting to show signs of change. And it– And it scared me. Like, I’m only 33 and… …my pussy is not as wet as it used to be. It’s very demoralizing, OK? Do you remember when you were 18 years old, and your pussy was just sopping wet all the time? All the time, you just took it for granted that you could just reach your hand down your pants at any given moment, you throw up the peace sign afterwards, and there would be that snail-trail in between your fingers. Oh, my God, it was so juicy. You could just blow a bubble wand with it, just… “I slime you, I slime you. Ghostbusters!” I don’t know what kind of mother I’m gonna be. I’m– I’m 33, and I did have to get a little bit of science involved when trying to get pregnant. And a lot of that… is most likely my fault. Because, when I was in my 20s, I ate Plan B like skittles. So, my uterus probably looked like a smoker’s lung. And I found out that my progesterone levels were alarmingly low. So, then I had to take these hormone pills that were suppositories, and Push Pop them up myself every single night. And then, at my writing job, at Fresh Off The Boat, I would be storyboarding in front of my co-workers, and then, at some point, the pill would inevitably dissolve and melt into my underwear, and I had to act like everything was OK, when everything was clearly not OK. And then, a side effect of the progesterone was that it made me extremely itchy. So, then I had to find ways to discretely scratch myself underneath the conference table, and then resist the urge to immediately smell my fingers afterwards. I want to be able to smell my fingers when I wanna smell my own goddamn fingers. Housewives, they can just scratch and sniff all day long. They just vacuum, scratch, sniff. They make a sandwich. “Uh, mmm.” They watch Property Brothers, scratch, “What’s crackin’? Mmm.” Every time you scratch yourself, all you can think about is, “When can I smell my fingers? When can I smell my fingers? When can I discretely find a way to…” “…smell my fingers?” Nature made you urgently curious to protect you, ’cause you gotta check that it’s all good in the hood. If it’s too funky, you need to see a doctor. Your fingers are your first WebMD. When my husband and I were trying to have a kid, a lot of people were like, “Oh, my God, that’s so hot. You guys doin’ a lot of fuckin’?” No, dude. That’s– That’s shit you do in your 20s, OK? When in– When you’re in your 30s, and you’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while, it gets very clinical. You pee on these ovulation strips that tell you when the eggs are droppin’. It tells you when it’s Easter time. And I would only fuck him when it was Easter time. It was, like, only four days out of the month, and outside of that, I would be like, “We’re not fuckin’. I need you to save it. I want your sperm to be as pent-up, and as angry and rapey as possible. So that, when they come out, it’s like, ‘Release the Kraken!'” And they just come out like a bunch of angry refugees escaping a dictatorship, you know? And, um… yeah, and most of the time, like, we wouldn’t even have sex, ’cause I was so tired when I would come home, and see the smiley face on the ovulation strip, and I’d be like, “OK, it’s go time,” and I would just give my husband a hand job most of the time, and he would close his eyes immediately. I know what that means, OK? When somebody closes their eyes during sex, it’s not because they’re in such ecstasy with you that– that they need to close their eyes. When somebody closes their eyes during sex, it’s because they’re literally trying to shut the image of your face out of their head and instead project two Latina lesbians that they saw earlier that day on RedTube onto the back of their eyelids. Which is fine by me, because then he doesn’t have to see the expression on my face that says, “Please, hurry the fuck up.” And then, when he was about to finish, I could always tell because the indication is very universal when a man is about to finish. It’s when they get that… that stupid-ass look on their face… …where they look like they just got bit by a zombie, just… And then, because we’re hippies, I’d be like, “Hey, hey! Please look me in the eye and remember to come with intention, OK?” And then, I would jump on him, and hold onto his neck, and I would just twerk, twerk, twerk the shit out of him… and do some of this shit that I learned in Atlanta. And then I would turn upside down immediately afterwards… to make sure all of that Harvard nectar would just drain inside of me. That’s right. ‘Cause I don’t wanna work anymore. I’m very grateful to be pregnant and to be… this far along, to be seven and a half months pregnant, because, last year, I had a miscarriage, which is very common. And a lot of women who are in their 20s flip out when they hear that. They’re like, “Oh, my God. That’s so dark and terrible. I can’t believe that.” I’m 33. Girl, when you’re 33, you’ll know plenty of women who have had a miscarriage. It’s super common, and I wish more women would talk about it so they wouldn’t feel so bad when they go through it. When I told my mom– She’s from a third world country, and when I told her I had one, she was like, “Uh, yeah. Where I’m from, that’s like losing a pair of shoes. It’s whatevs, OK?” And everything happens for a reason. I found out at my six-week sonogram, which is very early. And the doctor says to me, “Oh, my God, I see two sacks, which means you’re having twins.” And I was like, “No!” And then she said, “But what I don’t see is a heartbeat.” And I was like, “Yes!” “The Lord is mysterious!” Don’t feel bad, OK? They were the size of poppy seeds. I’ve picked boogers larger than the twins that I lost. And most women won’t let their husbands watch when they’re going through a miscarriage. I sat my husband down in front of me while I sat on the toilet, and I was like, “You look.” “You watch the whole thing.” And he felt so bad for me. And I used it as leverage and held that shit over his head for a month and got him to do whatever the fuck I wanted him to do for 30 days. He took me to see Beyoncé. He bought me a bike off of Craigslist. That’s my miscarriage bike, and I love it very much. For 30 days, I finally had the marriage I always wanted. I’m scared about giving childbirth, though. I’m– I’m very, very scared of childbirth. That’s why I’m going to hire a doula. You know what that is? You know what a doula is? That’s a white hippie witch… …that blows quinoa into your pussy to Keyser Söze all the pain away. A lot of women tried to freak me out. They tried to freak me out about childbirth by saying, “Ali, did you know that you’re gonna poop on the table?” I was like, “Yeah, I look forward to it.” I’m all backed up from holding in my shit at work. I can’t wait to cleanse. It makes sense, like, that you– that that happens because when you’re in labor, you push, you push, you push, and your husband will be asked to assist in the labor by lifting up your leg, which subsequently turns into a soft serve lever. You just shit on the floor in front of the love of your life. And just when you think that’s enough to make him finally leave you, boom, a baby comes out, and he gotta stay. That’s the real miracle of life, right there. I can already see how a child can really take its toll on a marriage, because the baby hasn’t even come out yet and I am already so resentful towards my husband. So much resentment, especially when he asks me to do shit around the house. “Hey, can you wash the dishes?” “No!” “Can you water the plants?” “I am not doing jack shit anymore. I’m busy makin’ a eyeball, OK? Are you makin’ a foot? I didn’t think so. You change the channel.” I can already see how there’s, like, this crazy double standard in our society of how it takes so little to be considered a great dad. And it also takes so little to be considered a shitty mom. People praise my husband for coming to all of my doctor’s appointments with me. “Oh, my God. I can’t believe he comes to all your doctor’s appointments. He is so supportive.” Guess who else has to go to those doctor appointments. Me! I’m the star of the show. There’s nothing for the camera to see if I’m not there. But he’s the hero for playing Candy Crush while I get my blood drawn. Meanwhile, if I do mushrooms seven months pregnant, I’m a bad mommy. You know, I– I– I, like, I berate my husband on, like, a daily basis. Partially because I really am mad at him. But mostly out of survival, because if he leaves me, I’m fucked. So, I have to chip away at his self-esteem on a daily basis… to keep him down so that he doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of another woman’s affection and leaves me. I gotta keep him around by keeping him down. People don’t tell you about all this shit that goes down with your body when you get pregnant, you know? Your nipples get huge and dark. I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that they get dark so that the baby can see, like, a bullseye. So that the baby can find it easier. And then, you know, they get big– they get big, like fingers. Like, “You, you. You owe me money, you.” My nipples look like Whoppers now, and naked, I look like a Minion. But I’m not gonna be one of those crazy pregnant ladies who tries to get all back in shape right after they get pregnant. No. Hopefully, if you see me in a year, I will have the kind of body where, if I do a nude scene on television, people will commend me for being courageous. For doing it. Now that I’m seven and a half months pregnant, my pussy’s all wet again. But it’s different. It’s not like when I was 18 years old, when it was like, really hot, you know? And I was like, “Why is it different?” And I looked it up, and my pussy’s all wet again because my– my body’s secreting mucus to protect the baby from bacteria attacking it. That’s not the same. When it’s straight up soldier glue, when it’s Neosporin. So, you know, I– I, in– previously, before I met my husband, I had dated a bunch of losers. And then, I meet this dream guy, who’s, like, way more handsome than me, out of my league, graduated from Harvard Business School. Worked hard to trap his ass. Got him to propose to me. Oh, my God, then we got married, all my dreams coming true, and then we got pregnant, and recently we bought our first home together. And, uh, two weeks into the escrow process, I discovered that my beautiful, Harvard-educated husband was $70,000 in debt. And me, with my hard-earned TV money, paid it all off. So, as it turns out, he’s the one who trapped me. How did he do it? How did he bamboozle me? Oh! Maybe because he went to Harvard Business School, the epicenter of white-collar crime. He Enron’d my ass. And now, if I don’t work, we die. Why else do you think I’m performing seven and a half months pregnant? All right, I’ve been Ali Wong. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you. | Hi. Hello! Welcome! Thank you! Thank you for coming. Hello! Hello. We are gonna have to get this shit over with, ’cause I have to pee in, like, ten minutes. But thank you, everybody, so much for coming. Um… It’s a very exciting day for me. It’s been a very exciting year for me. I turned 33 this year. Yes! Thank you, five people. I appreciate that. Uh, I can tell that I’m getting older, because, now, when I see an 18-year-old girl, my automatic thought… is “Fuck you.” “Fuck you. I don’t even know you, but fuck you!” ‘Cause I’m straight up jealous. I’m jealous, first and foremost, of their metabolism. Because 18-year-old girls, they could just eat like shit, and then they take a shit and have a six-pack, right? They got that-that beautiful inner thigh clearance where they put their feet together and there’s that huge gap here with the light of potential just radiating through. And then, when they go to sleep, they just go to sleep. Right? They don’t have insomnia yet. They don’t know what it’s like to have to take a Ambien or download a Meditation Oasis podcast to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family just cluttering your mind. They have their whole lives ahead of them. They don’t have HPV yet. They just go to sleep in peace at night. Everybody has HPV, OK? Everybody has it. It’s OK. Come out already. Everybody has it. If you don’t have it yet, you go and get it. You go and get it. It’s coming. You don’t have HPV yet, you’re a fucking loser, all right? That’s what that says about you. A lot of men don’t know that they have HPV, because it’s undetectable in men. It’s really fucked up. HPV is a ghost that lives inside men’s bodies and says, “Boo!” in women’s bodies. My doctor told me that I have one of two strains of HPV. Either I have the kind that’s gonna turn into cervical cancer… …or I have the kind where my body will heal itself. Very helpful, this doctor, right? So, basically, either I’m gonna die… or you’re in the presence of Wolverine, bitches. We’ll find out. Um, I can also tell that I’m getting older, because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library. I’m not interested in books like Fifty Shades of Grey, OK? I’m interested in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Yes. Yes, that’s right, how to declutter my home to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success. That’s what your 30s is all about. How can I turn this shit around? I’m a horrible person, I’m not happy with where I am, how can I turn this shit around? Help me, Tony Robbins, help me! I have a hoarding problem, which I’m hoping is the center of all of my other problems. I’m hoping that if the hoarding goes away, the HPV will also disappear. I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country and she taught me that you can never throw away anything, because you never know when a dictator’s gonna overtake the country and snatch all your wealth. So, you better hold onto that retainer from the third grade, ’cause it might come in handy as a shovel when you’re busy stuffing gold up your butt and running away from the Communists. The last time I was at home in San Francisco, I was trying to help her get rid of shit. Don’t ever do that with your mom. It was like the worst experience of my life. It was so emotional. We were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax when she refused to let go of a Texas Instruments TI-82… manual. The manual. She don’t even know… where the calculator is. Those of you under 25 probably don’t know what that calculator is. It was this calculator that bamboozled my generation. We were all required to buy it when we were in eight grade. It cost like $200. And everybody thought it was like this Judy Jetson’s laptop from the future. All because what? It could graph. It was like the Tesla of my time. And my mom got so emotional about the manual and she was like, “You never know when you might need this.” And I was like, “But… I do know… that I’m gonna have to clean all this shit up when you die.” “And I’m not trying to be a procrastinator anymore. Because according to Deepak-Oprah, that’s not the way for me to achieve my optimum level of success.” I grew up a lot this past year. Uh, this past year I also got married. Yeah. To a man who now has HPV. Very lucky guy. He gave me something. I gave him something. That will also last forever. No, really. I’m the lucky girl, because before him, I dated a lot of losers. Lots of losers. A lot of skaters. You wanna be a grown-ass woman, stop dating skaters. Stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen. They’re sexy on the outside, malt liquor on the inside. Horrible. But my husband, I first met him at this wedding and, uh, he’s– he’s much better looking than me, he’s way out of my league, and I saw him and I was like, “Oh, my God, who is that?” And the first thing I learned about him was that, at the time, he was attending Harvard Business School. And I was like, “Oh, my God, I’m gonna trap his ass.” “Going to trap his ass!” And I trapped his ass initially by not kissing him until the fifth date, which is a very unusual move on my part. But I did it on purpose, because I knew that he was a catch. So I was like, “All right, Ali, you gotta make this dude believe that your body is a secret garden.” When, really, it’s a public park… …that has hosted many reggae fests… …and has even accidentally let… two homeless people inside. I thought they were hipsters, OK? That store Urban Outfitters has made things very confusing… for my generation. You homeless or you a hipster? Is that beard for fashion or for warmth? It happened to… It happened in San Francisco, when I was living there, and I saw this guy in broad daylight and we had, like, we had… We had so much chemistry. He was like, “Hey, wassup?” I was like, “Wassup?” And we– The next thing I knew, we were getting busy in the back of my Volvo. And then after we were done, he was like, “Hey, can you drop me off?” I was like, “Where?” He was like, “At the park.” And I dropped him off at Golden Gate Park and watched him run into the middle with all his other homeless friends, and I was like, “Oh, no!” “I just fucked a homeless dude! Again!” My husband is Asian. Which a lot of people are shocked by, because, usually, Asian-American women who, like, you know, wear these kinda glasses and have a lot of opinions, they like to date white dudes. You go to any hipster neighborhood in a major city in America and that shit is turning into a Yoko Ono factory. It’s… too much. I don’t know what’s wrong with these bitches. I get it, you know, because being with a white dude you feel very… You feel very picturesque when you’re with a white dude, you know. You feel like you’re in a Wes Anderson movie or something. And you know, white dudes, they teach you about a lot of cool stuff like voting and recycling, and disturbing documentaries. They introduce you to cool stuff like that and it’s very, you know, it’s hot hookin’ up with a white dude. I mean, nothing makes me feel more powerful than when a white dude eats my pussy. Oh, my God. I just feel like I’m absorbing all of that privilege and all of that entitlement… …you know, just right there, through the money hole and just… And then also, he’s so vulnerable down there. I’m, like, “I could just crush your head at any moment, white man! I could just kill you right now! Crush those brains! Colonize the colonizer!” You know? But I think that for marriage, it can be nice to be with somebody of your own race. The advantage is that you get to go home… and be racist together. You get to say whatever you like! You don’t gotta explain shit. My husband, half-Filipino, half-Japanese. I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese. And we spend 100 percent of our time shitting on Korean people. It’s… amazing. It’s what love is built on, you know? My last boyfriend was Cuban and his family would shit on Mexican people all the time. And I was like, “Hold it. You guys aren’t Mexican?” Asian-American men are very underrated. I don’t know why people don’t go for them. They’re the sexiest. Asian men are the sexiest. They got no body hair from the neck down. It’s like making love to a dolphin. Oh, my God. It’s so smooth, just like a slip and slide. Just black fish, Tilikum, all up in my bed every night, you know? Ooh-wee. You mess with a Jewish dude and your body is all fucked up afterwards. It’s all red and inflamed and you’re like, “I did not ask to be exfoliated today.” “This is the last time I go on J-date, more like loofah date. Thanks for the rug burn, Avi.” And then Asian men, no body odor. None. They just smell like responsibility. That’s where the umami flavor comes from. I think my husband and I have a huge unspoken understanding, uh, between each other, because he’s half-Filipino and half-Japanese and I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese. So, we’re both half-fancy Asian… …and half-jungle Asian. Yeah! You guys know the difference. The fancy Asians are the Chinese, the Japanese. They get to do fancy things like host Olympics. Jungle Asians host diseases. It’s… It’s different. But he grew up on the East Coast, going to private school, playing lacrosse, uh, you know, learning Latin and playing chess and rugby. He grew up like Filipino Carlton, OK? So, he didn’t know anything about Vietnamese people until he met me. And on one of our first dates, he took me to this restaurant on the west side of Los Angeles called Pho Show. He was like, “It’s authentic Vietnamese. I read about it on Yelp!” I was like, “It’s not authentic, OK?” You can tell, first and foremost, by the name, ’cause it don’t got a number in it. Second of all, you can tell by the bathroom. If it was legit, the bathroom would double as a supply closet. When I pee, I need to see ten gallons of bleach, an ATM machine and a grandma with glaucoma napping in the corner. And the wait staff here is too nice. We need to leave this restaurant deaf and emotionally abused. I grew up going to private school, too. Him and I are both total, like, private school Asians. We both are big hippies, too. We like to backpack through Southeast Asia. We like to do yoga. We do ayahuasca ceremonies. We do silent meditation retreats. That’s right, we pay $800 to shut up for a weekend. We do shit like that. Uh, we eat gluten-free, which means we eat all that bread that tastes like free-range Chewbacca. We eat that lesbian bread that’s like… …a thousand percent of your daily fiber… and 20 percent spoken word poetry. When you eat it, you queef a shitty poem about… …supporting Caitlyn Jenner or whatever. And so, it’s funny, right, because he’s Asian, too. But sometimes, all of this hippy-dippy shit we do… makes me feel like we are white people doing an impression of Asian people. Like, we have these Chinese scrolls up on the wall… and neither of us know what the fuck they mean. We’re like, “Oh, that seems to go very well with our Buddha piggy bank from Pier 1 Imports. That seems to be providing some good feng shui for the house. Him and I had been dating for four years and I– I just had this sneaking suspicion that he was gonna propose… because… I had been pressuring him to do it. So, you know, I just had this wacky women’s intuition. That’s how proposals really work, OK? A woman has to incept the idea into the man’s head. First passively and then if he doesn’t get the message, extremely aggressively. You gotta threaten to leave without ever actually leaving, because you know that you’re too old and it’s too late to go back out there and find a new man and start the whole manipulation cycle all over again. So, you’re like, “I’m just gonna stick with this dude, focus on trapping this dude, and just nag the shit outta him until he becomes weak and caves in and gets fed up and is like, “Shut the fuck up! Fine, will you marry me?” And then afterwards, the woman is always, like, “Oh, my God! He proposed!” “It came outta nowhere. And look, he got me the exact ring I wanted. How did he know? Maybe he saw it on my Pinterest page or something… that I sent to my best friend, that I told her to send to him every day.” Let me tell you something. If a man has a Pinterest page… he’s probably Pinterested in men. We got engaged on a Saturday. I bought my wedding dress the following Tuesday… because I had tried it on in 2012. I was ready. I was ripe. I was rotten. I need to be made into banana bread. That’s how rotten I was. People are always very surprised at how, off-stage, with my husband, I’m a completely different person. You– Like, you would not recognize my personality at all with him. With him, I’m very soft, and, like, very nurturing and very domestic. We’ve been together now for five years, and for five years, I’ve packed his lunch every single day. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. I did that so that he’d become dependent on me. ‘Cause he graduated from Harvard Business School, and I don’t wanna work anymore. I don’t. I straight up don’t wanna work anymore. I don’t feed him out of the goodness of my heart. I do it as an investment in my financial future. ‘Cause I don’t wanna work anymore. I’ve been reading that book by Sheryl Sandberg, she’s the C.O.O. of Facebook, and she wrote that book that got women all riled up about our careers. Talking about how we as women should challenge ourselves to sit at the table and rise to the top. And her book is called Lean In. Well, I don’t wanna lean in, OK? I wanna lie down. I want to lie the fuck down. I think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women. Our job used to be no job. We had it so good. We could have done the smart thing, which would have been to continue playing dumb for the next century and be like, “We’re dumb women. We don’t know how to do anything. So, I guess we better just stay at home all day and eat snacks and watch Ellen.” “‘Cause we’re too stupid to have any real responsibility.” And then, all these women had to show off and be like, “We could do it! We could do anything.” “Bitch, shut up!” “Don’t tell them the secret.” They ruined it for us, and now we’re expected to work. When I hear the phrase, “Double-income household,” I wanna throw up. A lot of women get very upset with me about those comments. And they’re like, “But, Ali, we have so many more options now.” Oh, you don’t think we had a lot of options when our day was free? Unscheduled, unsupervised, and most importantly, sponsored? Do you know how much shittier food tastes when you know you have to earn it? A lot of my friends, when we walk around together, they’ll get very judgmental about housewives that we’ll see on the street. And they’ll be like, “Look at that fucking housewife. Not doing anything. Look at that housewife, just walking around all day, getting massages in her Lululemon pants.” I’m like, “That bitch is a genius.” “She’s not a housewife, she’s retired.” I do write for Fresh Off the Boat on ABC. Yeah. Which is… It’s a great show. I love it a lot. I love my co-workers. It’s a great writing staff and in terms of day jobs, it’s probably one of the best you could ask for, but I still gotta work at a office every day. Which means I gotta shit in a office every day. Housewives, they don’t gotta shit in a office. Housewives get to shit in their house. Skin to seat. They don’t gotta use that horrible toilet paper cover. They don’t gotta… …ten times a day, every day… like you’re about to eat a sad-ass meal. They don’t gotta do that. They don’t gotta use that one-ply toilet paper, that office toilet paper, that they purposely make difficult to pull out. They try to ration me with their communist toilet paper that’s not even effective. It basically just dehydrates your butt hole. It’s basically like wiping your butt with the desert. I literally spat on my toilet paper two days ago, to try to make a MacGyver baby wipe, to moisten it, and then it backfired ’cause my fingers broke through and digitally stimulated more doo doo to come out, and then I had to start all over again. And you can never finish wiping at work because you always feel rushed ’cause you’re paranoid that your co-worker’s gonna recognize your shoes underneath the stall. And you’re like, “Oh, no! Courtney’s listening. She’s waiting. She’s timing me.” And then you hurry, hurry, hurry, and then you never finish wiping and then your butt hole feels caked in doo doo all day long. And then if you dare scratch yourself, your underwear at the end of the day looks like it’s been run over by the Goonies. Housewives, they don’t gotta muffle their shit, too. They don’t gotta worry about the velocity with which their doo doo comes out. They don’t gotta try to, you know, squeeze the butt cheeks together to make sure that the doo doo comes out at a slow and steady pace, so that no unpredictable noise suddenly escapes and brings you deep, deep shame. Housewives are free to just blow ass into the toilet and let it echo and reverberate to the ends of their hallways while watching as much Netflix on their iPad as they want. They don’t gotta take these boring, repressed shits. They can listen to podcasts. Planet Money. They can do whatever they want. You know, it’s– it’s very distracting for me when I hear my co-workers blow ass into the toilet. I lose respect for them. Nothing they say to me anymore holds any sort of credence. I heard one of my co-workers blow ass into the toilet the other day. This bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say, “You need to get to work on time.” I was like, “You need to eat bananas.” “I saw those green ballet flats. I know that shit was you. Don’t try to tell me to get my shit together when I heard you not have your shit together.” My father-in-law had this huge sit-down with me and my husband recently. Um, and he was like, “Hey, I wanna talk to you guys about money. You guys need to make a lot more money if you wanna provide your children with the same kind of privileged childhood that you guys had.” I was like, “Why you telling me this shit? I should not be a part of this conversation. You tell you son that. Don’t your understand that I trapped your son for his earning potential? Why else would I choose to fuck one person for the rest of my life? I chose to marry him on the promise of early retirement, and when I said, ‘I do,’ what I really meant was, ‘Oh, I’m done.'” I’m done. I don’t wanna work anymore and I’m not dieting anymore. Since I got married last year, I’ve been eating fried chicken skin every day since. That’s right. And just fulfilling my destiny. Which is to turn into a circle with eyelashes. Like Mrs. Pacman, just… Let’s redecorate. I gave up a lot of myself when I got married. I’m a– I’m a disgusting pervert. I’m a pervert. I’m a gross filthy animal. And I think it’s because I started watching porn at a very young age. And what happens when you start watching porn at a young age is that… y-you get sicker, and sicker, and sicker. The images you crave get sicker, and sicker, and sicker, but it’s OK, because the Internet will always catch up to you. I broke up with my last boyfriend because he refused to put it in the back. I was like, “Uh, you’re a idiot, dude. Do you realize that if I went on Craigslist… and posted ‘Tiny Asian female seeking anal…’ the Internet would crash.” “And all the Jewish male heads in the universe would simultaneously explode.” They would explode. A lot of women get really, you know… freaked out about anal. And they’re like, “Oh, I don’t wanna do that. I’m scared of– of the pain.” You ain’t scared of the pain. Women, they wax their eyebrows, they do all sorts of crazy shit. You’re not scared of the pain. What you’re really scared of is doo doo on the dick. You’re scared that he’s gonna see that and that’s gonna be all of your shame, your inner evil, all your secrets and lies. Sephora can’t help you now. But don’t worry, ’cause when he puts it in the butt, all he’s thinking about is, “I just put it in her butt.” “I gotta go call my mom, my dad, Dave, my grandma.” You’re– If you’re married, you’re gonna have to do anal eventually, OK? You have to, because you gotta change it up. You gotta change it up, so that you don’t cheat on each other. You gotta keep it interesting. If you put it in different holes, maybe you’ll feel like you’re fucking different people. I was very sexually active in my 20s, and as a result, I’m a little bit… …stretched out down there, OK? So, when I finally did anal, I just felt like I got a second chance at life, you know? I was, like, “Oh, my God! It’s like I’m going back in time!” ♪ A whole new world ♪ It was magical. A big fantasy of mine before I got married was to help as many men as possible discover their prostate. Yeah, like a conqueror. I just wanted to… Now, if you haven’t done it before, ladies, go home and treat yourself. Do it tonight. You only live once. YOLO. Just sneak your– Just give your man a little– a little push-push in the tush-tush. Just give him a little Atari, you know, and you’ll get a lot of resistance from the man at first. You’ll get a lot of “No! No! No! No, please! No, really, I don’t– No! I don’t! I don’t! No!” They get all squirmy wormy because… they’re scared. They’re scared that if you stick your thumb up there and succeed, and they like it, that then, it might mean that they’re gay. And I like that fear. That shit turns me on, you know? Especially when that fear metamorphosizes into pleasure. Oh, my God! And you just see the look in the man’s eye like he’s discovered nirvana. And it’s like you’re the first lady to show him that he had a magical clit in his butt hole. And then, you as the woman, in his eyes, just become the Lord of the Rim, you know? My husband is unfortunately just not as freaky as me. When– When I’ve asked him to spank me, this is what he does. “Hey. Hey, are you OK? Are you all right? You know I respect you, right?” I’m, like, “Yes, I know you respect me and that’s why you need to abuse me. OK?” ‘Cause it’s the most strong-headed, loud-mouthed women who like to be abused the most in bed. Women who are C.E.O.s, they just wanna be roughed around. They just want their– Glasses always means the woman wants some– It’s because we’re so in control all the time, that we just wanna experience some risk and be out of control, you know? Like, “I don’t wanna die! Don’t kill me! I don’t wanna die!” But I also don’t want to be sure that I’m gonna live. You know? I just wanna be out of control for once. Just– Just choke me enough so that I can’t talk. ‘Cause if I can talk, I’m gonna tell you what to do. And I’m tired of being the boss. I’m the boss all the time, so, in the bedroom, you be the boss. Yes. Because I’m the real boss. And I told you so, motherfucker, so do it. Sheryl Sandberg, that woman who wrote Lean In, has had such a big impact that now, because of her, there is a ban on the word “bossy” in elementary schools, because according to her, it’s sexist to use the word “bossy,” because boys are never called bossy. So, now, instead of saying, “You’re bossy,” you’re supposed to say, “You have executive leadership skills.” Which is a very roundabout way of saying: “You’re a little cunt.” I’m just waiting for the right moment to, like, become a housewife, financially, you know? I want my husband to get us to, like, a certain point financially. I wanna get to the point as a couple where I can comfortably afford sliced mango. Know what I’m talking about? I’m talking about that Whole Foods mango. That $10-a-box Whole Foods mango that was sliced by white people. That’s the kind of income bracket I’m striving for. That’s when you know you’ve made it, when you’re eating mango that was sliced by a dude named Noah. I want Noah mango… …Rebecca kiwi, Danielle pineapple. You know what else I want? I wanna be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk, see a quarter, and just keep on walking. Like a princess. I have some useful advice for all my Asian-American brothers and sisters. Yeah! Never go paintballing with a Vietnam veteran. So, I don’t know if you guys can tell, but I am seven and a half months pregnant. Yeah. It’s very rare and unusual to see a female comic perform pregnant, because female comics… don’t get pregnant. Just try to think of one. I dare you. There’s– None of them. Once they do get pregnant, they generally disappear. That’s not the case with male comics. Once they have a baby, they’ll get up on stage a week afterwards and they’ll be like, “Guys, I just had this fucking baby. That baby’s a little piece of shit. It’s so annoying and boring.” And all these other shitty dads in the audience are, like, “That’s hilarious. I identify.” And their fame just swells because they become this relatable family funny man all of a sudden. Meanwhile, the mom is at home, chapping her nipples, feeding the fucking baby, and wearing a frozen diaper ’cause her pussy needs to heal from the baby’s head shredding it up. She’s busy. So, I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. You know, a lot of my female stand-up comic friends who are a lot more successful and famous than me discouraged me from having a kid. And they were like, “Ali, why are you gonna have a kid? You just gonna become– You’re gonna disappear, and you’re gonna become some lame stay-at-home mom.” I was like, “Yeah, that’s the dream.” That’s the point. This is the ultimate trap. I won, you know? Another thing a lot of my friends said to me when they were discouraging me from having a kid, they were like, “Why are you gonna have a kid? Why don’t you just travel the world with your husband and just do whatever you want for the rest of your lives with no kid attached.” I was like, “Yeah, that’s cool… until my husband dies.” Which he’s definitely gonna before me. Because I’m a Asian woman, and therefore, guaranteed to live until I’m a billion. I’m guaranteed, like a turtle from the Galapagos, OK? We all know the phrase “black don’t crack.” Well, Asian don’t die. We don’t die. Especially the women, we live forever. And you know why we’re such bad drivers? Because we’re trying to die. We’re like, “Yeah! Let me see how invincible I really am!” “Imma make this left hand turn signal and ignore this red light completely.” “I’m gonna make a right turn– I changed my mind, it’s a U-turn!” “I changed my mind again. It’s a O-turn!” Every time I get into a car accident… …I’m like, “Oh, my God, not again!” I need to hide my face so that everybody doesn’t see that it’s what everybody thought it was gonna be. So embarrassing. My Toyota Corolla is a mess. There’s this huge bear claw scratch on the side from this aggressive brick wall that came out of nowhere. And then, on the hood, there’s multiple hand prints from pedestrians who have had to alert me of their existence. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m still here, you know? I need to have children to keep me company when I get older. It’s lonely. My mom is 80, going through a full blown mid-life crisis. ‘Cause she knows that she’s got a century more to go. And she is so lonely. All of her white friends, dead. Her Mexican friends, dead. Black friends, dead. I’m just kidding. She doesn’t have any black friends. Life is not Rush Hour, the movie, OK? I need children to be there for me when I’m older, when I get as old as her. And when I say be there for me, I mean pay for me when my husband isn’t around to support me anymore. I’m not trying to be one of those old Chinese ladies who recycles for a living. That’s not my destiny, OK? Old Chinese ladies, they don’t give a fuck. They got no shame. They’re like, “I’m just gonna recycle… go bald… go to the park, do this shit.” They do that ’cause it’s a free activity. For them. They do it in their– their big-ass V. Stiviano visor, their Darth Vader-Tomb Raider- Boba Fett helmet. They wear that to protect themselves from their arch-nemesis, the sun. Their in a contest to see who’s gonna burn out first. Old Asian ladies and the sun are like the Tupac and Biggie of longevity. I also decided to have a kid because uh, I’m only 33, which, I know, is not technically high-risk, but my body was starting to show signs of change. And it– And it scared me. Like, I’m only 33 and… …my pussy is not as wet as it used to be. It’s very demoralizing, OK? Do you remember when you were 18 years old, and your pussy was just sopping wet all the time? All the time, you just took it for granted that you could just reach your hand down your pants at any given moment, you throw up the peace sign afterwards, and there would be that snail-trail in between your fingers. Oh, my God, it was so juicy. You could just blow a bubble wand with it, just… “I slime you, I slime you. Ghostbusters!” I don’t know what kind of mother I’m gonna be. I’m– I’m 33, and I did have to get a little bit of science involved when trying to get pregnant. And a lot of that… is most likely my fault. Because, when I was in my 20s, I ate Plan B like skittles. So, my uterus probably looked like a smoker’s lung. And I found out that my progesterone levels were alarmingly low. So, then I had to take these hormone pills that were suppositories, and Push Pop them up myself every single night. And then, at my writing job, at Fresh Off The Boat, I would be storyboarding in front of my co-workers, and then, at some point, the pill would inevitably dissolve and melt into my underwear, and I had to act like everything was OK, when everything was clearly not OK. And then, a side effect of the progesterone was that it made me extremely itchy. So, then I had to find ways to discretely scratch myself underneath the conference table, and then resist the urge to immediately smell my fingers afterwards. I want to be able to smell my fingers when I wanna smell my own goddamn fingers. Housewives, they can just scratch and sniff all day long. They just vacuum, scratch, sniff. They make a sandwich. “Uh, mmm.” They watch Property Brothers, scratch, “What’s crackin’? Mmm.” Every time you scratch yourself, all you can think about is, “When can I smell my fingers? When can I smell my fingers? When can I discretely find a way to…” “…smell my fingers?” Nature made you urgently curious to protect you, ’cause you gotta check that it’s all good in the hood. If it’s too funky, you need to see a doctor. Your fingers are your first WebMD. When my husband and I were trying to have a kid, a lot of people were like, “Oh, my God, that’s so hot. You guys doin’ a lot of fuckin’?” No, dude. That’s– That’s shit you do in your 20s, OK? When in– When you’re in your 30s, and you’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while, it gets very clinical. You pee on these ovulation strips that tell you when the eggs are droppin’. It tells you when it’s Easter time. And I would only fuck him when it was Easter time. It was, like, only four days out of the month, and outside of that, I would be like, “We’re not fuckin’. I need you to save it. I want your sperm to be as pent-up, and as angry and rapey as possible. So that, when they come out, it’s like, ‘Release the Kraken!'” And they just come out like a bunch of angry refugees escaping a dictatorship, you know? And, um… yeah, and most of the time, like, we wouldn’t even have sex, ’cause I was so tired when I would come home, and see the smiley face on the ovulation strip, and I’d be like, “OK, it’s go time,” and I would just give my husband a hand job most of the time, and he would close his eyes immediately. I know what that means, OK? When somebody closes their eyes during sex, it’s not because they’re in such ecstasy with you that– that they need to close their eyes. When somebody closes their eyes during sex, it’s because they’re literally trying to shut the image of your face out of their head and instead project two Latina lesbians that they saw earlier that day on RedTube onto the back of their eyelids. Which is fine by me, because then he doesn’t have to see the expression on my face that says, “Please, hurry the fuck up.” And then, when he was about to finish, I could always tell because the indication is very universal when a man is about to finish. It’s when they get that… that stupid-ass look on their face… …where they look like they just got bit by a zombie, just… And then, because we’re hippies, I’d be like, “Hey, hey! Please look me in the eye and remember to come with intention, OK?” And then, I would jump on him, and hold onto his neck, and I would just twerk, twerk, twerk the shit out of him… and do some of this shit that I learned in Atlanta. And then I would turn upside down immediately afterwards… to make sure all of that Harvard nectar would just drain inside of me. That’s right. ‘Cause I don’t wanna work anymore. I’m very grateful to be pregnant and to be… this far along, to be seven and a half months pregnant, because, last year, I had a miscarriage, which is very common. And a lot of women who are in their 20s flip out when they hear that. They’re like, “Oh, my God. That’s so dark and terrible. I can’t believe that.” I’m 33. Girl, when you’re 33, you’ll know plenty of women who have had a miscarriage. It’s super common, and I wish more women would talk about it so they wouldn’t feel so bad when they go through it. When I told my mom– She’s from a third world country, and when I told her I had one, she was like, “Uh, yeah. Where I’m from, that’s like losing a pair of shoes. It’s whatevs, OK?” And everything happens for a reason. I found out at my six-week sonogram, which is very early. And the doctor says to me, “Oh, my God, I see two sacks, which means you’re having twins.” And I was like, “No!” And then she said, “But what I don’t see is a heartbeat.” And I was like, “Yes!” “The Lord is mysterious!” Don’t feel bad, OK? They were the size of poppy seeds. I’ve picked boogers larger than the twins that I lost. And most women won’t let their husbands watch when they’re going through a miscarriage. I sat my husband down in front of me while I sat on the toilet, and I was like, “You look.” “You watch the whole thing.” And he felt so bad for me. And I used it as leverage and held that shit over his head for a month and got him to do whatever the fuck I wanted him to do for 30 days. He took me to see Beyoncé. He bought me a bike off of Craigslist. That’s my miscarriage bike, and I love it very much. For 30 days, I finally had the marriage I always wanted. I’m scared about giving childbirth, though. I’m– I’m very, very scared of childbirth. That’s why I’m going to hire a doula. You know what that is? You know what a doula is? That’s a white hippie witch… …that blows quinoa into your pussy to Keyser Söze all the pain away. A lot of women tried to freak me out. They tried to freak me out about childbirth by saying, “Ali, did you know that you’re gonna poop on the table?” I was like, “Yeah, I look forward to it.” I’m all backed up from holding in my shit at work. I can’t wait to cleanse. It makes sense, like, that you– that that happens because when you’re in labor, you push, you push, you push, and your husband will be asked to assist in the labor by lifting up your leg, which subsequently turns into a soft serve lever. You just shit on the floor in front of the love of your life. And just when you think that’s enough to make him finally leave you, boom, a baby comes out, and he gotta stay. That’s the real miracle of life, right there. I can already see how a child can really take its toll on a marriage, because the baby hasn’t even come out yet and I am already so resentful towards my husband. So much resentment, especially when he asks me to do shit around the house. “Hey, can you wash the dishes?” “No!” “Can you water the plants?” “I am not doing jack shit anymore. I’m busy makin’ a eyeball, OK? Are you makin’ a foot? I didn’t think so. You change the channel.” I can already see how there’s, like, this crazy double standard in our society of how it takes so little to be considered a great dad. And it also takes so little to be considered a shitty mom. People praise my husband for coming to all of my doctor’s appointments with me. “Oh, my God. I can’t believe he comes to all your doctor’s appointments. He is so supportive.” Guess who else has to go to those doctor appointments. Me! I’m the star of the show. There’s nothing for the camera to see if I’m not there. But he’s the hero for playing Candy Crush while I get my blood drawn. Meanwhile, if I do mushrooms seven months pregnant, I’m a bad mommy. You know, I– I– I, like, I berate my husband on, like, a daily basis. Partially because I really am mad at him. But mostly out of survival, because if he leaves me, I’m fucked. So, I have to chip away at his self-esteem on a daily basis… to keep him down so that he doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of another woman’s affection and leaves me. I gotta keep him around by keeping him down. People don’t tell you about all this shit that goes down with your body when you get pregnant, you know? Your nipples get huge and dark. I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that they get dark so that the baby can see, like, a bullseye. So that the baby can find it easier. And then, you know, they get big– they get big, like fingers. Like, “You, you. You owe me money, you.” My nipples look like Whoppers now, and naked, I look like a Minion. But I’m not gonna be one of those crazy pregnant ladies who tries to get all back in shape right after they get pregnant. No. Hopefully, if you see me in a year, I will have the kind of body where, if I do a nude scene on television, people will commend me for being courageous. For doing it. Now that I’m seven and a half months pregnant, my pussy’s all wet again. But it’s different. It’s not like when I was 18 years old, when it was like, really hot, you know? And I was like, “Why is it different?” And I looked it up, and my pussy’s all wet again because my– my body’s secreting mucus to protect the baby from bacteria attacking it. That’s not the same. When it’s straight up soldier glue, when it’s Neosporin. So, you know, I– I, in– previously, before I met my husband, I had dated a bunch of losers. And then, I meet this dream guy, who’s, like, way more handsome than me, out of my league, graduated from Harvard Business School. Worked hard to trap his ass. Got him to propose to me. Oh, my God, then we got married, all my dreams coming true, and then we got pregnant, and recently we bought our first home together. And, uh, two weeks into the escrow process, I discovered that my beautiful, Harvard-educated husband was $70,000 in debt. And me, with my hard-earned TV money, paid it all off. So, as it turns out, he’s the one who trapped me. How did he do it? How did he bamboozle me? Oh! Maybe because he went to Harvard Business School, the epicenter of white-collar crime. He Enron’d my ass. And now, if I don’t work, we die. Why else do you think I’m performing seven and a half months pregnant? All right, I’ve been Ali Wong. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/wanda-sykes-not-normal-transcript/ | Wanda Sykes: Not Normal (2019) – Full Transcript | wanda sykes | Ladies and gentlemen… Wanda Sykes! Yes. Yes. Thank you. New York. New York. Oh, my goodness. So… let me just start by saying… if you voted for Trump… …and you came to see me… …you fucked up again. This shit’s not normal, y’all. It’s not normal. Come on. The lying, the tweeting, the playdates with dictators. Come on. This shit is not normal. It’s not normal that I know that I’m smarter than the president. That’s not normal. Come on. In the Mueller investigation, how does he not know that he’s Individual Number One? Come on. Everybody who’s been indicted or going to jail, Papadopoulos, Gates, Flynn, Manafort, it all says in the Mueller report that they co-conspired with Individual Number One. Motherfucker, that’s you! All right. Now… if everybody you come in direct contact with… gets herpes… …wouldn’t you be like… “Am I giving everybody herpes?” But no. President Trump tweets… “All clear.” “Too bad for Individual Number One. Hashtag sad.” No, motherfucker. You have herpes! You are patient zero. Trump, he doesn’t even look presidential. He doesn’t look presidential. It looks like he’s doing an impersonation of a president. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands. Even the way he stands there, he’s just like… He looks like those things that you put out in front of the car wash. You know… Shit’s not normal, y’all. It’s not normal. Here’s another thing that’s not normal. Presidents, they all age while in office, right? They age while in office, because the job is so fucking stressful that it affects you physically. We’ve seen it. Obama… First two years, President Obama went totally gray. His face started drooping. He got all droopy in the face. One time, I was like, “Is that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? Who the fuck…” “Is that what… Misha, is that Kareem? What the hell?” George W. Bush, he shrunk four inches. At one point, he was looking like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. “Ah, my precious! My precious!” Bill Clinton. He grew that bulb on the tip of his nose. What the fuck was that? Bill Clinton looked like the man on the Operation board. But not Trump. Nope. Mm-mm. He’s on executive time. Trump hasn’t aged. But we have. He is fucking us up. Everybody’s looking older. My God. I was in my car, I saw a billboard. “Cher, Vegas.” I was like, “Oh, shit, that’s on my bucket list. I’m going.” I get to the stop light, I look back up, I was like… “Oh, damn, that’s Ariana Grande. What the hell?” He’s fucking us up. You know how they say some women have resting bitch face? Well, Trump has given me resting “what the fuck?” face. Every morning, I’m looking in the mirror like, “What the fuck? What…” I got crow’s feet. I got a fucking divot in my forehead. He has cracked black. That’s… That’s damn near impossible. I was like, “We got to get rid of him. Two more years, I’mma to look like Cicely Tyson.” She look good, but I ain’t ready. I ain’t ready to go there. If someone offered me a deal tonight and said, “Wanda, here’s your deal. You keep Trump for two more years… or we’ll switch him out tonight with R&B singer Bobby Brown…” Without batting an eye, I’m taking Bobby Brown. I’m taking Bobby Brown. Bobby Brown is a proven talent. We know what he can do. Right? Trump, uh-uh. We respect Bobby Brown. Nobody respects Trump. You know how I know they don’t respect him? Because they let him walk up on Air Force One with toilet paper on the back of his shoe. You would stop a stranger to get toilet paper off their shoe. I’ve been in airports and, like, tracked people down for ten gates… like, oh… …to get this toilet paper off your shoe. I bet you there’s been murderers on their way to the electric chair… passing the guards with toilet paper on their shoes… and the guards are like, “Yeah, you motherfucker, you deserve all of this. I hope… Oh, hold up, man, hold on. Let me get this off your shoe.” “Can’t let you go out like that.” “It’s embarrassing, man.” Trump passed Marine guards… on his way. Marine guards. These people see everything. They are the sharpest motherfuckers on the planet. But they let him ascend… …up to Air Force One, the plane that represents America… with toilet paper on the back of his shoe. And they just stood there. “You see that?” “Yeah, I see it. I see it.” “I think it’s a good look for him.” And he’s always on Air Force One. Never in the White House. Always running off, Mar-a-Lago or somewhere, costing us all kind of money. Hey, I was like, “We should just put the White House on Airbnb.” “Maybe we’ll get somebody good in there.” His whole family is costing us money. Yeah. Did you know that we pay for a Secret Service detail for Tiffany Trump? Exactly. Who the fuck is Tiffany Trump? Nobody’s gonna mess with Tiffany Trump. She ain’t on our radar. Shit, she ain’t even on Trump’s radar. We don’t give a shit about Tiffany Trump. Don’t wanna be paying for Secret Service. All she needs is a mall cop on a Segway. Just this motherfucker. “Oh, not the stairs, Tiff, not the stairs.” Shit’s not normal. The president is in litigation with porn stars. With porn stars! Come on, that shit’s not normal. What the fuck? And everybody’s like, “Well, you know, that’s just what we doing now.” Really? We’re putting up with this bullshit? We were outraged when President Obama wore a tan suit to work. That was the bar back then. “Oh, how dare he come to the Oval Office so casual, in a tan suit?” People were disgusted because one of the greatest first ladies we’ve ever had, Michelle Obama… …she went sleeveless. “Oh. Oh, how unbecoming of the first lady to wear no sleeves, to show her arms.” Really? You gave Michelle Obama shit for that. Really? You can Google Melania’s titties right now. Yeah. I did it. I bet you the Obamas must be beside themselves. They must be. They must be beside themselves. I can’t… Could you imagine, like, all that shit that they went through for eight years and they’re watching all this bullshit just go and everybody just turns their heads toward it? I mean, what the fuck? I bet you they’re in bed, watching the 11 o’clock news and Michelle looks over at Barack and is like… “N i g g a.” “Porn stars? Really? We gonna to talk about the porn star now.” She didn’t put that in the book. But I was confused. I was confused by the whole situation. The whole porn star thing. Because first of all, I was like, “Who is admitting that they fucked Trump?” That’s what I need to know. Who’s going to admit that? And then all of the hush money thing. I said, “Okay, wait a minute. Okay, hush money was exchanged.” And then when I saw Stormy Daniels, I was like, “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to tell me he paid her?” I thought she paid him to shut the fuck up. ‘Cause that made sense to me. If I fucked Trump, he came to me and said, “Okay, I’m going to give you, um… 130,000 not to say anything,” I’d be like, “Bitch, I was about to give you 250.” Shit. If I ever fucked Trump, I’m telling you, I’m taking that to the grave. That’s going to the grave and beyond. I’d be walking around Heaven, I’d look Jesus right in the eye… “Huh?” “What? Me? Wasn’t me, Jesus.” “You must have turned too much water into wine that day.” But you know what? I believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Because of Trump being president… we sent more women to Congress than ever before. That’s because of Trump. Thank you, Trump. All kinds of women. African-American, Native American, Asian-American, Muslims. Yes. It’s funny looking at Congress now. All those beautiful women in there and all those old white guys. It looks like the cast of Cocoon… …meets the cast of any Shonda Rhimes show. We are gonna be all right. We gonna be all right. We’re just in a fight right now. We’re just in a fight. And when you’re in a fight, big thing, you got to stay consistent. You got to stay consistent, ladies. Especially us. That’s right. So, you know… You can’t be out there at the Women’s March, “Fuck Harvey, yeah! Equal pay! Yeah, we got to get equal pay!” and then be like, “Ooh, girl, I got to get home and watch The Bachelor.” No. The Bachelor cannot coexist with Time’s Up, Me Too. You can’t have it. No. The only time you hear, “Me too,” on The Bachelor is if somebody says, “I have chlamydia.” Got to let The Bachelor go. I know some of you are like, “Well, Wanda, it’s just entertainment. It’s a TV show.” Yeah, I know. But it promotes bad behavior and it makes women look stupid. It’s got to go. It’s got all these women, you know, all these women gathered, trying to all vie for this one little shitty dude. And he’s actively dating all of them right in front of your face. And you know he’s sleeping with all of ’em. And the women just standing around like… “When is he gonna fuck me?” “When do I get my one-on-one?” I have more respect for strippers than I do for women who go on The Bachelor. I do. What the hell? And then they try to make it like it’s some fairy tale. You know. With the rose ceremony. Oh, if he wants you to stay, he’ll give you a rose. I say bullshit. I want them to show it for what it is. Instead of the rose ceremony, I want them to line all the women up… and if he wants you to stay, he will tap you on your forehead. With his dick. “Oh, yes! Yes! I’m staying! I’m staying, yeah!” You know, y’all, I really thought I knew my country. I was like, “I really…” I was like, “I know America. I know who we are.” Right? I really thought that. But nope. It fooled me. When it was confirmed that Russia indeed attacked us… They… They interfered with our election. – That’s right. – I said, “Oh, shit, here we go. Here comes the America I know and love. Here we go.” ‘Cause this is what we do. When we are attacked, we stop the bullshit and we unite. That’s what we’re supposed to do, right? It’s like when Cardi B is beefing with Nicki Minaj… …and then Taylor Swift pops off. Cardi B and Nicki are like, “Okay, Nicki, we’re gonna put this on pause, right? And let’s go drag that ho.” “Okurrr.” But we didn’t do that. I was waiting for it. I was like, “Oh, shit, here come the crazy. Here we go.” I thought for sure… I was like, “Uh-oh, there ain’t gonna be no more Russian salad dressing.” “We gonna to start booing Russian hockey players.” I was like, “Oh, boy. Uber’s gonna be missing a whole lot of drivers.” But no, none of that happened. I’m like, “Y’all, Russia attacked us.” And everybody’s like, “Yeah, but have you had a Moscow Mule? They are delicious.” It’s like… It’s like we’ve forgotten history. Russia hates us. We broke up the Soviet Union. We broke up the Soviet Union. We gave them Boris Yeltsin. Boris Yeltsin was a drunk. He was a big embarrassment as a president for them. But it makes sense now. We gave them Boris Yeltsin. They paid us back with Trump. Forget that. We forget all about that shit. And Russia, they sneaky. Them some sneaky motherfuckers. Who else would think of those little stacking dolls? What the fuck is that? All those damn nesting dolls. That’s some sneaky shit. “Oh, here’s another one.” “Open it again.” “It’s another one! And another one! And another one! Okay, this is the last one, right? God damn, there’s another one!” “Y’all are some sneaky motherfuckers. God damn! There’s another one! Wait, this is the last one? This the last one? Wait a minute. Ooh, is this the pee-pee tapes?” Sneaky. But Russia, they knew. They knew how to attack us. They know our weakness. Race. Yes. That’s our Achilles’ heel. Race. That’s it. So they brought out Trump to rally the racists. Exactly what they did. That fucking wall… That wall is racist. That wall is… It ain’t about protecting your borders. It ain’t about protecting our borders. He’ll tell you, “Oh, well, we want the wall ’cause it keeps out all the gangs and the… and the opioid crisis.” Yeah. That’s a message to white people. That’s for white people. Opioid crisis. Because of racism, black people, we don’t even get our hands on opioids. They don’t even give ’em to us. White people get opioids like they’re Tic Tacs. It amazes me how many opioids you motherfuckers have. I’m at work, I’m sitting in a writers’ room with a bunch of white people, right? And I’m like, “Damn, I got a headache.” White people start pulling out all kind of pills and shit. Just fucking loose pills in Ziploc bags. “Would you like an oxycodone? I got oxycodone.” “No, she should take a Percocet. She should take a Percocet.” Oh, other girl over there preparing a needle. “Give me your arm.” What the fuck? White people get the opioids. There was a study… It’s racism. There was a study and it showed that doctors, they actually prescribe opioids… frequently to white people than they do to blacks. They don’t give us opioids. Because they are sympathetic. They’re like, “Oh, this white person, they’re in such pain. I hate to see white people hurting.” “They can’t handle this pain. Let me… Here, let me give you this. Let me give you these opioids. Get that pain away.” They don’t give us the opioids. They’re like, “Ah, you can take it. Walk it off.” I had a double mastectomy. You know what they sent my black ass home with? Ibu-fucking-profen. Shit, to get some opioids, a black person will have to show up in the emergency room holding they own head detached from the body. “Uh… uh… Excuse me. Can I get some help out here? My body’s still in the car, but, uh…” Got to… Got to treat opioid addicts. You do. Got to treat them. We weren’t trying to treat crackheads, were we? No, we were capturing crackheads, locking up crackheads. Weren’t treating them. You didn’t see anybody busting down the door of a crack house, boom, “Okay, where’s the crackheads? I need to check your blood pressure.” “Let’s all sit in a little crack circle and talk about our feelings.” “Let’s get to the root of this. Pookie, would you like to start first?” Racism. We got to deal with it. It is going to be the demise of our country if we don’t fucking deal with it. Look, I’m from Virginia, right? And whenever I go home… Wait a minute. Off of 95… right outside Chester, Virginia, there is a big, giant Confederate flag. Big Confederate flag. Every time I go home and I pass that flag, it hurts me to my core. It fucking hurts. ‘Cause it’s racist. It’s racist and it’s wrong. And I’m sick of this bullshit of, “Well, that’s part of my Southern heritage.” Well, your heritage is shitty. It’s garbage. Your heritage is trash. The atrocities that happened under that flag, are you proud of that shit? – Yeah. – What the fuck? There are so many other things about the South that you can be proud of. Right? Moonshine. Dollywood. Come on. You got to love Dolly Parton and Dollywood. Clay Aiken. Come on. Why don’t you tear down those statues and put up a statue of Clay Aiken drinking moonshine, wearing a Dollywood t-shirt? Race means a lot. It does. I think about it a lot, just because of the makeup of my family. Look, I’m married to a white French woman and we have two white kids. – Woo! – Yeah. And now white supremacy is on the rise. And I’m living with a house full of white people. I took them to DC over Thanksgiving break. I took them to DC and we went to the museum, the National Museum of African-American History and Culture. Yeah. Oh, beautiful museum. I’m telling you, you got to go. If you’re in DC go to this museum. Seriously. Yeah. I see the white people are like… “It’s gonna make me sad.” “I don’t want to be sad. Oh.” It made me proud. It made me proud. Yeah. It just reaffirmed what I always knew. I was like, “I can do anything.” I can do anything. To come from people who survived all that shit and we still here and kicking it, I’m like, “Pff, I can do anything.” Yeah. I can… I can do anything. I know this. And that’s why you don’t see a lot of black folks on, like, those survival-type reality shows. We don’t need to fuck around like that. Man Vs. Wild, Doomsday Preppers. No, thank you. We leave that for y’all. Black folks can get the same exhilaration just by driving around on expired tags. But one of my favorite ones to watch is Naked and Afraid. That’s the best one. If you haven’t seen Naked and Afraid, treat yo self. They take a man and a woman and they drop them off on some uninhabitable island or, you know, desert or Florida and, uh… You know, like the Everglades. You know, the swamps. Yeah. They drop them off in there. They got to get butt naked and they have to survive for 21 days. And they get to bring one item. Usually, the guy shows up with some crazy knife or custom-made ax or something. And the woman, she shows up with, like, fishing nets or maybe a fire starter. But there was this one episode, this guy showed up with his ax and this woman showed up with a fucking magnifying glass. The look on his face said it all. Like… “Magnifying glass? Like… Bitch, what you think? We out here solving crimes? What the hell?” I love that show. There was an episode that stood out, because it was a black guy on the show. Yeah. This black guy… he’s paired up with this nice little white lady from North Dakota, right? They drop ’em off on this island… and they were… Things were going great, right? So after, like, day three… the white lady’s like, “Oh, Ronald, he’s a good team player and, uh, man, like, the bugs and everything, just nothing is bothering him. Nothing is affecting him out here, so I think we’re gonna be good. He keeps to himself, but I think we’re gonna be okay.” Two days later, you find out that Ronald is homeless. Yeah. These assholes booked a homeless man to go on Naked and Afraid. So no wonder nothing was affecting him. He got on that island, he thought he was at Sandals. He was like, “Oh, shit. Yeah. I can do this. This is nice.” That lady went home. She tapped out. She was like, “I quit. I’m going home.” She was like, “I don’t think he’s ever gonna leave.” They booked a homeless man to go on Naked and Afraid. That tells me that there was no black people in the room. When they made that decision, a black person was not present, ’cause they’d have been like this, “Wait a minute, you booking a black… Are you out of your damn mind?” That’s fucked up. Yeah. You need a black friend. You need a black friend. It’s 2019. If you don’t have a black friend… you’re the problem. But if you don’t have one, I understand. I understand. It’s scary. It is. Because of how we’ve been portrayed. Right? Black people have always been portrayed as sinister, menacing, a threat. Yeah. I don’t know if you’ve heard about this story in Chicago. A black security guard, right, at a club… There was a shooting. The black security guard apprehended the shooter. The cops show up, shoot the black security guard. Yeah. ‘Cause all they saw was a black man. Why can’t we be the good guy? – Right. – Yes! Black people, we need a better publicist. No, fuck that. We need a publicist. I want the publicist that the white guys use. That publicist kicks ass. That publicist is the best. ‘Cause they know how to spin it. Even when white guys fuck up, they can spin it… in a way you won’t think, “Oh, all white guys are fucked up.” No. ‘Cause they make them individuals. You know, crazy white guy shoots up a movie theater, they give you his backstory. Right? They tell you where he went to school. “Oh, he was a loner.” They put a picture up in the news of him that’s so sympathetic. I’m watching news, I’m like, “Oh, man…” “He shoulda called me.” We need a better publicist. Yeah, I want a campaign. A campaign for black people. Right? How about, like, some billboards all across the country of black people just doing fun, non-threatening, frivolous shit? Just black people just, like, bowling. How about some slogans? You know, like “Toys for Tots.” How about a good slogan for black people? “Hey, let’s get black to business.” I like that. Or, maybe, you know, something environmental, like show black people just taking out the recycling can, you know, like… “We’re black, but we’re green.” You need a black friend. Get a black friend, you’ll learn some shit. Like, here’s an easy one. You should know this one. Never touch a black woman’s hair. Yes. Never… touch a black woman’s hair. I don’t give a fuck if she has a tarantula sitting on her head. You… Let it bite her. Here’s another one. Here’s another one I’ll give y’all. White people, you go and you get a tan. You get a nice tan, you been on vacation. Do not go back to your job and go up to your black coworker… “Hey, Denise.” “I’m almost there.” “Hey, girlfriend, I’m almost there.” We hate that shit. And we secretly wish bad black shit happens to you when you do it. “I’m almost there.” Mm-hmm. “I hope you get sickle cell.” I know some of y’all are like, “Well, Wanda, what about black people who don’t have white friends?” I’m okay with that. A lot of trust has been broken. But I do encourage them. I do. I say, “Come on, guys, let’s break this up. Come on. Spread out. Open it up a little bit.” You know, I tell them, “Ease into it. Start off with a Puerto Rican.” “They’re cool. Come on.” Look, I’m learning a lot. I’m learning a lot from my white family. I am. You know? And you know what? Yeah… People always say, “Because, Wanda, we’re all the same.” No, we’re not. We’re not all the same. We’re different. But we’re equal. We’re different. But we’re equal. And that’s the thing. That’s what we have to respect. Like, I’m learning things from my family. I’m learning how to play. Oh, ’cause black people don’t play. We don’t play. Some of the first things that we were taught as kids, right? You’re over there, acting up. Your parents tell you, “Hey, better stop playing. Oh, you think I’m playing with you? Keep playing here. Keep playing, keep playing.” Learning how to play. White people play all the time. Just make up shit. You don’t even know what you’re playing. Just play. I had to learn this. Like, we had a birthday party over the weekend, so, during the week, you know, there’s still some balloons floating around. I get up Monday morning, I’m coming downstairs, my son takes a balloon, kicks it, and it hits me right in the face. First thing I do, “Boy, you better stop playing.” He laughs, he takes another balloon, kicks it… almost knocks my glasses off. I’m like, “Oh, Lucas, you think I’m playing with you? Keep playing with me. Keep playing with me, hear?” My wife hears me yelling. She runs into the living room. “Baby, what’s the problem? Qu’est-ce qui se passe? Ça va? Ça va?” “No. No it’s not ça va!” “You want to know what… I’ll tell you what happened. Uh, Lucas here just kicked me in the face…” And now I’m hearing myself. Uh… “Uh, Lucas kicked me in the face… uh, with the balloon, uh… I haven’t had coffee yet, okay? First…” “And he did it twice. Twice. And, uh… And, uh, you know, it was that little knot part, the knot part on the balloon. You know, that little knot in the balloon? Yeah, that knot part hit me right… You… You were playing, huh? You were playing. I’m sorry, baby. I… I didn’t know you were playing. Okay, stop crying. Stop crying. It’s okay. All right. You got to let me know we’re playing or something. I didn’t know, right?” So then my wife just looked at me like I was an asshole. He goes off to school and she’s like, “What is your problem? Why did you…” I said, “Look, first of all, you need to take it down a notch, all right? You ain’t gonna be in my face like this, okay? And, second of all, I behaved the way I was supposed to behave, okay? All right? I’m a black woman, all right? I come downstairs in my living room and this little white boy kicks me in the face.” Just saying. But I felt bad. I did feel… I did. I felt bad. I did. So what I… So what I did, when he came home from school, I had all the balloons lined up. Oh, I was ready for his ass. Soon as he walked in the door, I was like, “Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! You want to play? You want to play? Boom, boom, boom!” I took care of him. All kind of shit. All kind of shit. I’m learning we’re different. Yeah. I was on my way home from, uh… I was on my way home, right? I’m in the car. And my wife, she calls me in the car. She’s like, “Babe, uh… on your way home, uh, could you stop at the pharmacy and pick up this stuff? It’s called RID. Uh… There’s a problem at the school with the lice and the kids have the lice.” I’m like, “What? Lice?” “Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kids have the lice, I have the lice, you have the lice.” “No, I don’t. No, I don’t.” “That’s some white shit.” She’s like, “No, it’s a little bug in your hair.” “Mm-mm. No, no, no, no. We don’t do that. I would choke the shit out of a lice. We don’t…” “That’s you and your inferior scalp. We don’t do that.” She’s like, “Will you pick it up?” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll pick it up. And put it in the mailbox.” “I ain’t coming in that lice-y ass house. I ain’t coming in. I’ll be at Sabrina’s. Mm-mm.” Then I thought, “Am I being ignorant? Maybe I’m being ignorant about this thing.” Right? So I called my friend, you know, she has a bunch of kids and stuff. I was like, “Hey, look, um, have you or any of your kids ever had a lice issue?” She went, “Nah, girl, that’s some white shit.” I was like, “That’s what I thought.” That’s what I thought.” I knew it. I knew it. Mm-hmm. I was gonna Google it, but I figured, no, I knew, knew what I’m talking about. Knew that.” We get different shit, different stuff. Yeah. When I was in fifth grade, I got mononucleosis. Yeah. Yeah, we had just moved. White neighborhood. And I got mononucleosis. I’m not saying white people gave me mononucleosis, but… I just got it. But the fun part was listening to my mother trying to explain it to her mother. Yeah. So my mother’s on the phone, like, “Hey, Mama, how you doing? Look, I’mma need you to come up here and stay with us for a few weeks. Wanda’s sick. Hm? Um… She’s got mo… Mononu… Hm. Lord Jesus. Uh, she’s got mo… She’s got tuberculosis.” “Mm-hmm. Yeah, she’s got the TB. Mm-hmm. Yeah, no. I got Vicks. I got the Vicks. I’ll put the Vicks on her. That’ll do.” The Vicks. We put Vicks on everything. Yes. Love the Vicks. I remember the first time I introduced Vicks to my little French family. You would have thought I poured acid on them. My daughter had a bad chest cold, right? So… So I heard the rattling. She was sleeping, but I could hear the rattle, so I was like, “Oh, Wanda, get your Vicks.” So I got my Vicks. I go in her bedroom, you know… open up my Vicks. I start putting a little bit on her, on her chest. Right? She wakes up… “Mommy-boo, you’re burning me!” I’m like, “No, no, baby, it’s just Vicks. It’s Vicks. It’ll open up the thing.” “Maman! Maman, vite, vite! Vite, Maman! Mommy-boo is burning me.” I’m like, “Olivia, I’m not burning you, sweetheart. It’s just Vicks. It’s Vicks VapoRub. It’ll open this up.” My wife comes in the room, “Baby, what is the problem? Oh, my eyes! Oh! Baby. Oh. Olivia… Ferme les yeux, Olivia. Oh, ferme tes yeux, Olivia. Oh, close your eyes, Olivia, please. Oh, baby, why are you burning us? What are you doing?” I’m like, “It’s just Vicks!” “Y’all can’t handle Vicks?” Vicks! I was so pissed. I was like, “Y’all have cheese that’s stronger than Vicks.” One of my first trips to Paris, right, I’m at her mother’s house, we’re having dinner, they pass around the cheese plate. “Wanda, tu veux du fromage?” “Non, merci.” Because I want to know… who just shit themselves at this table. So we’re just gon’ sit here like this is not happening, huh? “C’est qui qui fait caca dans leur pantalon?” That’s what I want to know. Don’t make me get up and just go around check everybody. Is that what we doing? Different. But, you know, like, all I’m doing, man, I’m just trying to, like, raise my kids like how I was raised. That’s what I’m doing, just raising my kids like how I was raised. You know? Yeah. Didn’t turn out so bad. Right? And, oh, boy, I lotion ’em up good. You should see ’em. Oh. They be glistening, man. They hate it. My wife is like, “Why? Why all the lotion, the crème? Pourquoi la crème?” I say, “‘Cause I don’t want some little ashy-ass kids.” I get their legs, everything. I lotion ’em up. They leave the house shiny, boy. I bet you even little black kids at school are looking at them like, “Oh, here come them greasy twins.” “Here come the greasy twins.” We’re all different, man. I feel different. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Yeah. Going through menopause right now. I’m sorry. Did you say sorry? Yeah, yeah. It’s the worst. Oh, my God, the hot flashes. Woo. The hot flashes are the worst. They’re crippling. All of a sudden, you just flop sweat. Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to pass out. They’re awful. They’re awful. There’s no way in the world men would put up with hot flashes. No way in the world. I think if a man had two hot flashes… they would blow the sun up. You’d go out and they got the missile pointed to the sun. “Hey, what are y’all doing?” “Oh… Bob got hot.” “Did you, Bob?” “Yeah, yeah. Just… poof. It seemed like it started in my balls and just my balls got hot and just… Poof. It was awful. We’re gonna turn that off.” “Cool it down. Cool it down.” What the hell? I mean, ladies, come on. What kind… We got a shitty hand that we were dealt, right? Is it a design flaw? What the fuck? Okay, so let me get this straight. This is our plight, right? Okay, so when you’re young, you’re fertile, you’re producing eggs, you’re bringing life into the world, right? You’re bringing life into the world. And then you get older, no more eggs. You can’t bring any more life into the world… so they just set you on fire. What kind of shit is that? You know, I’ve always said, you know what, the older I get, the less I care. But you know what? There’s science behind that. There’s science behind that. Yeah. Because, when you’re young, right, your body is producing estrogen. Now, estrogen, that’s that hormone that makes you compassionate, makes you empathetic. Makes you say sorry all the damn time for no reason. Ladies, you know how many times we say sorry for no reason? Like, even when it’s not your fault. Like, you’re at the grocery store, somebody runs into your ankle with the grocery cart and you’re like, “Ooh, ooh, sorry, my ankle was in your way.” That’s that estrogen. And then, when you get older… it drastically reduces. You’re not producing estrogen like that anymore. Yeah. So it’s not the older you get, the less you care. It’s the older you get, you’re just becoming a man. That’s why you don’t give a fuck. And becoming a man indeed. Oh, my God. If I go four days without tweezing… …I could have a nice situation going on right here. The other day, I pulled a hair out of my neck that was so long… I thought my neck was growing bangs. I was like, “What the fuck is this? Ah! How long has this been here? I can see it out the corner of my eye. Ah!” My metabolism just shut down. Oh, my God. I got a nice gut going on. Ugh. Yeah, Esther is out of control. Woo! Yes, I call her Esther. When I was in my forties, I got this little fat roll. I just named it. That was Esther. And now Esther is spreading. Esther is roaming around my body. Esther’s all creeping around my back, like, “Mm, what’s back here? Let’s see what’s back here. Hey.” And she wants to eat everything. You know? And, you know, when you get older, your digestive system changes. I can’t eat a bunch of junk, like greasy food and shit like that. That’d tear me up. But Esther’s… We sitting there watching TV, commercials come on, and Esther’s like, “Mmm. Let’s live a little. Let’s go get some of them Taco Bell Nacho Fries.” I was like, “Ain’t no way in the world I can eat some Nacho Fries.” If I got some Taco Bell Nacho Fries, I would have to eat them in the parking lot of the urgent care. I caught my wife eyeballing Esther the other day. That didn’t feel good at all. We were getting ready for bed, you know, brushing our teeth. You know, brushing my teeth. I’ve got an electric toothbrush and the jiggling from brushing my teeth just kind of… resonated on down, so Esther was just… And I saw my wife look over like… I was like, “Uh-oh, uh-oh.” But it’s okay. Esther can’t stand her either. Esther was like, “What the fuck you looking at, Frenchie?” “Don’t worry, one day, you gonna get a little Estelle. Bonjour, Estelle.” It’s the worst. Whiskers, weight gain, hot flashes. I know, one day, TMZ, they’re going to catch me standing in the frozen food section with no pants on and a full beard. But I won’t give a fuck. I’ll be like, “My balls were hot.” But, you know, there’s help, you know. There’s a solution. Like, a lot of women, they just take the estrogen. Just take the hormone. But, see, I can’t take the estrogen. I can’t take the hormone because of the type of breast cancer I had. Yeah. But the irony of it all is like when… You know, because I curse and stuff. When people say to me, “Hey, Wanda, would it kill you to be a little more ladylike?” I go, “Yes.” “It would.” “It really would.” I’m snoring now. That’s different, yep. Snoring. You know, my wife, boy, God bless her, putting up with it. You know, ’cause, at first, it started off with just some deep breathing, you know. Just like… And then it quickly escalated to… How do I know? Because my wife records it. That doesn’t feel good. That doesn’t feel good. Yeah. ‘Cause, you know, like, during the day, I’ll get, like, a text message from my wife with an audio file. And I get all excited. I’m like, “Oh, my baby loves me. She even…” It’s bad. ‘Cause, you know, you wake up in the middle of the night and she’s out of the bed. I’m like, “Uh-oh.” I got to go look for her. Like, “Ooh, did she leave me this time? What’s going on?” “Oh, no, okay, she’s over there with the kids. All right, okay. Cool, cool.” Yeah. You know, she wears the earplugs, and that doesn’t help. So she was like, “You know what, babe? I think maybe if I take, like, some Ambien or something, that could help.” I’m like, “No, no, no. You can’t take Ambien, because, you know, those drugs, you’ll wake up and do things you don’t even know you’re doing. You know, like suffocating me to death.” I don’t want to wake up chewing on a pillow. Or she’s shoving Vicks down my throat. Argh! So I was like, “Let me check with my doctor.” So I went to the doctor. I was like, you know, “I got to do something, man. I got to do something about this.” And he was like, “Well, you know, first, you got to lose some weight, Wanda.” And Esther was like, “Fuck you, I want some Nacho Fries!” I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. And he goes, “You know what? You could stop drinking.” “What else you got?” And he goes, “You know what, Wanda? I want to test you for sleep apnea. I want to test you for sleep apnea, because judging from the recordings, uh…” “Oh, man, that’s fucked up.” He said, “Yeah, I think you have sleep apnea.” So I’m like, “No, no, I don’t want to take that test, because if, uh, I have sleep apnea, then you’re going to put me on one of those CPAP machines.” I said, “I can’t do that. You know, my wife is ten years younger than I am. I can’t be in the bed with a fucking Darth Vader mask on. You know? Looking like an astronaut or shit. I can’t…” You know, I said, “It’s bad enough I’m already in the bed, you know… hot flashes with a gut and a beard coming in.” “Now you want me in the bed with that mask on?” “Do you want to sit on my face?” Thank you, New York! Yes! Thank you. | Yes. Yes. Thank you. New York. New York. Oh, my goodness. So… let me just start by saying… if you voted for Trump… …and you came to see me… …you fucked up again. This shit’s not normal, y’all. It’s not normal. Come on. The lying, the tweeting, the playdates with dictators. Come on. This shit is not normal. It’s not normal that I know that I’m smarter than the president. That’s not normal. Come on. In the Mueller investigation, how does he not know that he’s Individual Number One? Come on. Everybody who’s been indicted or going to jail, Papadopoulos, Gates, Flynn, Manafort, it all says in the Mueller report that they co-conspired with Individual Number One. Motherfucker, that’s you! All right. Now… if everybody you come in direct contact with… gets herpes… …wouldn’t you be like… “Am I giving everybody herpes?” But no. President Trump tweets… “All clear.” “Too bad for Individual Number One. Hashtag sad.” No, motherfucker. You have herpes! You are patient zero. Trump, he doesn’t even look presidential. He doesn’t look presidential. It looks like he’s doing an impersonation of a president. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands. Even the way he stands there, he’s just like… He looks like those things that you put out in front of the car wash. You know… Shit’s not normal, y’all. It’s not normal. Here’s another thing that’s not normal. Presidents, they all age while in office, right? They age while in office, because the job is so fucking stressful that it affects you physically. We’ve seen it. Obama… First two years, President Obama went totally gray. His face started drooping. He got all droopy in the face. One time, I was like, “Is that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? Who the fuck…” “Is that what… Misha, is that Kareem? What the hell?” George W. Bush, he shrunk four inches. At one point, he was looking like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. “Ah, my precious! My precious!” Bill Clinton. He grew that bulb on the tip of his nose. What the fuck was that? Bill Clinton looked like the man on the Operation board. But not Trump. Nope. Mm-mm. He’s on executive time. Trump hasn’t aged. But we have. He is fucking us up. Everybody’s looking older. My God. I was in my car, I saw a billboard. “Cher, Vegas.” I was like, “Oh, shit, that’s on my bucket list. I’m going.” I get to the stop light, I look back up, I was like… “Oh, damn, that’s Ariana Grande. What the hell?” He’s fucking us up. You know how they say some women have resting bitch face? Well, Trump has given me resting “what the fuck?” face. Every morning, I’m looking in the mirror like, “What the fuck? What…” I got crow’s feet. I got a fucking divot in my forehead. He has cracked black. That’s… That’s damn near impossible. I was like, “We got to get rid of him. Two more years, I’mma to look like Cicely Tyson.” She look good, but I ain’t ready. I ain’t ready to go there. If someone offered me a deal tonight and said, “Wanda, here’s your deal. You keep Trump for two more years… or we’ll switch him out tonight with R&B singer Bobby Brown…” Without batting an eye, I’m taking Bobby Brown. I’m taking Bobby Brown. Bobby Brown is a proven talent. We know what he can do. Right? Trump, uh-uh. We respect Bobby Brown. Nobody respects Trump. You know how I know they don’t respect him? Because they let him walk up on Air Force One with toilet paper on the back of his shoe. You would stop a stranger to get toilet paper off their shoe. I’ve been in airports and, like, tracked people down for ten gates… like, oh… …to get this toilet paper off your shoe. I bet you there’s been murderers on their way to the electric chair… passing the guards with toilet paper on their shoes… and the guards are like, “Yeah, you motherfucker, you deserve all of this. I hope… Oh, hold up, man, hold on. Let me get this off your shoe.” “Can’t let you go out like that.” “It’s embarrassing, man.” Trump passed Marine guards… on his way. Marine guards. These people see everything. They are the sharpest motherfuckers on the planet. But they let him ascend… …up to Air Force One, the plane that represents America… with toilet paper on the back of his shoe. And they just stood there. “You see that?” “Yeah, I see it. I see it.” “I think it’s a good look for him.” And he’s always on Air Force One. Never in the White House. Always running off, Mar-a-Lago or somewhere, costing us all kind of money. Hey, I was like, “We should just put the White House on Airbnb.” “Maybe we’ll get somebody good in there.” His whole family is costing us money. Yeah. Did you know that we pay for a Secret Service detail for Tiffany Trump? Exactly. Who the fuck is Tiffany Trump? Nobody’s gonna mess with Tiffany Trump. She ain’t on our radar. Shit, she ain’t even on Trump’s radar. We don’t give a shit about Tiffany Trump. Don’t wanna be paying for Secret Service. All she needs is a mall cop on a Segway. Just this motherfucker. “Oh, not the stairs, Tiff, not the stairs.” Shit’s not normal. The president is in litigation with porn stars. With porn stars! Come on, that shit’s not normal. What the fuck? And everybody’s like, “Well, you know, that’s just what we doing now.” Really? We’re putting up with this bullshit? We were outraged when President Obama wore a tan suit to work. That was the bar back then. “Oh, how dare he come to the Oval Office so casual, in a tan suit?” People were disgusted because one of the greatest first ladies we’ve ever had, Michelle Obama… …she went sleeveless. “Oh. Oh, how unbecoming of the first lady to wear no sleeves, to show her arms.” Really? You gave Michelle Obama shit for that. Really? You can Google Melania’s titties right now. Yeah. I did it. I bet you the Obamas must be beside themselves. They must be. They must be beside themselves. I can’t… Could you imagine, like, all that shit that they went through for eight years and they’re watching all this bullshit just go and everybody just turns their heads toward it? I mean, what the fuck? I bet you they’re in bed, watching the 11 o’clock news and Michelle looks over at Barack and is like… “N i g g a.” “Porn stars? Really? We gonna to talk about the porn star now.” She didn’t put that in the book. But I was confused. I was confused by the whole situation. The whole porn star thing. Because first of all, I was like, “Who is admitting that they fucked Trump?” That’s what I need to know. Who’s going to admit that? And then all of the hush money thing. I said, “Okay, wait a minute. Okay, hush money was exchanged.” And then when I saw Stormy Daniels, I was like, “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to tell me he paid her?” I thought she paid him to shut the fuck up. ‘Cause that made sense to me. If I fucked Trump, he came to me and said, “Okay, I’m going to give you, um… 130,000 not to say anything,” I’d be like, “Bitch, I was about to give you 250.” Shit. If I ever fucked Trump, I’m telling you, I’m taking that to the grave. That’s going to the grave and beyond. I’d be walking around Heaven, I’d look Jesus right in the eye… “Huh?” “What? Me? Wasn’t me, Jesus.” “You must have turned too much water into wine that day.” But you know what? I believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Because of Trump being president… we sent more women to Congress than ever before. That’s because of Trump. Thank you, Trump. All kinds of women. African-American, Native American, Asian-American, Muslims. Yes. It’s funny looking at Congress now. All those beautiful women in there and all those old white guys. It looks like the cast of Cocoon… …meets the cast of any Shonda Rhimes show. We are gonna be all right. We gonna be all right. We’re just in a fight right now. We’re just in a fight. And when you’re in a fight, big thing, you got to stay consistent. You got to stay consistent, ladies. Especially us. That’s right. So, you know… You can’t be out there at the Women’s March, “Fuck Harvey, yeah! Equal pay! Yeah, we got to get equal pay!” and then be like, “Ooh, girl, I got to get home and watch The Bachelor.” No. The Bachelor cannot coexist with Time’s Up, Me Too. You can’t have it. No. The only time you hear, “Me too,” on The Bachelor is if somebody says, “I have chlamydia.” Got to let The Bachelor go. I know some of you are like, “Well, Wanda, it’s just entertainment. It’s a TV show.” Yeah, I know. But it promotes bad behavior and it makes women look stupid. It’s got to go. It’s got all these women, you know, all these women gathered, trying to all vie for this one little shitty dude. And he’s actively dating all of them right in front of your face. And you know he’s sleeping with all of ’em. And the women just standing around like… “When is he gonna fuck me?” “When do I get my one-on-one?” I have more respect for strippers than I do for women who go on The Bachelor. I do. What the hell? And then they try to make it like it’s some fairy tale. You know. With the rose ceremony. Oh, if he wants you to stay, he’ll give you a rose. I say bullshit. I want them to show it for what it is. Instead of the rose ceremony, I want them to line all the women up… and if he wants you to stay, he will tap you on your forehead. With his dick. “Oh, yes! Yes! I’m staying! I’m staying, yeah!” You know, y’all, I really thought I knew my country. I was like, “I really…” I was like, “I know America. I know who we are.” Right? I really thought that. But nope. It fooled me. When it was confirmed that Russia indeed attacked us… They… They interfered with our election. – That’s right. – I said, “Oh, shit, here we go. Here comes the America I know and love. Here we go.” ‘Cause this is what we do. When we are attacked, we stop the bullshit and we unite. That’s what we’re supposed to do, right? It’s like when Cardi B is beefing with Nicki Minaj… …and then Taylor Swift pops off. Cardi B and Nicki are like, “Okay, Nicki, we’re gonna put this on pause, right? And let’s go drag that ho.” “Okurrr.” But we didn’t do that. I was waiting for it. I was like, “Oh, shit, here come the crazy. Here we go.” I thought for sure… I was like, “Uh-oh, there ain’t gonna be no more Russian salad dressing.” “We gonna to start booing Russian hockey players.” I was like, “Oh, boy. Uber’s gonna be missing a whole lot of drivers.” But no, none of that happened. I’m like, “Y’all, Russia attacked us.” And everybody’s like, “Yeah, but have you had a Moscow Mule? They are delicious.” It’s like… It’s like we’ve forgotten history. Russia hates us. We broke up the Soviet Union. We broke up the Soviet Union. We gave them Boris Yeltsin. Boris Yeltsin was a drunk. He was a big embarrassment as a president for them. But it makes sense now. We gave them Boris Yeltsin. They paid us back with Trump. Forget that. We forget all about that shit. And Russia, they sneaky. Them some sneaky motherfuckers. Who else would think of those little stacking dolls? What the fuck is that? All those damn nesting dolls. That’s some sneaky shit. “Oh, here’s another one.” “Open it again.” “It’s another one! And another one! And another one! Okay, this is the last one, right? God damn, there’s another one!” “Y’all are some sneaky motherfuckers. God damn! There’s another one! Wait, this is the last one? This the last one? Wait a minute. Ooh, is this the pee-pee tapes?” Sneaky. But Russia, they knew. They knew how to attack us. They know our weakness. Race. Yes. That’s our Achilles’ heel. Race. That’s it. So they brought out Trump to rally the racists. Exactly what they did. That fucking wall… That wall is racist. That wall is… It ain’t about protecting your borders. It ain’t about protecting our borders. He’ll tell you, “Oh, well, we want the wall ’cause it keeps out all the gangs and the… and the opioid crisis.” Yeah. That’s a message to white people. That’s for white people. Opioid crisis. Because of racism, black people, we don’t even get our hands on opioids. They don’t even give ’em to us. White people get opioids like they’re Tic Tacs. It amazes me how many opioids you motherfuckers have. I’m at work, I’m sitting in a writers’ room with a bunch of white people, right? And I’m like, “Damn, I got a headache.” White people start pulling out all kind of pills and shit. Just fucking loose pills in Ziploc bags. “Would you like an oxycodone? I got oxycodone.” “No, she should take a Percocet. She should take a Percocet.” Oh, other girl over there preparing a needle. “Give me your arm.” What the fuck? White people get the opioids. There was a study… It’s racism. There was a study and it showed that doctors, they actually prescribe opioids… frequently to white people than they do to blacks. They don’t give us opioids. Because they are sympathetic. They’re like, “Oh, this white person, they’re in such pain. I hate to see white people hurting.” “They can’t handle this pain. Let me… Here, let me give you this. Let me give you these opioids. Get that pain away.” They don’t give us the opioids. They’re like, “Ah, you can take it. Walk it off.” I had a double mastectomy. You know what they sent my black ass home with? Ibu-fucking-profen. Shit, to get some opioids, a black person will have to show up in the emergency room holding they own head detached from the body. “Uh… uh… Excuse me. Can I get some help out here? My body’s still in the car, but, uh…” Got to… Got to treat opioid addicts. You do. Got to treat them. We weren’t trying to treat crackheads, were we? No, we were capturing crackheads, locking up crackheads. Weren’t treating them. You didn’t see anybody busting down the door of a crack house, boom, “Okay, where’s the crackheads? I need to check your blood pressure.” “Let’s all sit in a little crack circle and talk about our feelings.” “Let’s get to the root of this. Pookie, would you like to start first?” Racism. We got to deal with it. It is going to be the demise of our country if we don’t fucking deal with it. Look, I’m from Virginia, right? And whenever I go home… Wait a minute. Off of 95… right outside Chester, Virginia, there is a big, giant Confederate flag. Big Confederate flag. Every time I go home and I pass that flag, it hurts me to my core. It fucking hurts. ‘Cause it’s racist. It’s racist and it’s wrong. And I’m sick of this bullshit of, “Well, that’s part of my Southern heritage.” Well, your heritage is shitty. It’s garbage. Your heritage is trash. The atrocities that happened under that flag, are you proud of that shit? – Yeah. – What the fuck? There are so many other things about the South that you can be proud of. Right? Moonshine. Dollywood. Come on. You got to love Dolly Parton and Dollywood. Clay Aiken. Come on. Why don’t you tear down those statues and put up a statue of Clay Aiken drinking moonshine, wearing a Dollywood t-shirt? Race means a lot. It does. I think about it a lot, just because of the makeup of my family. Look, I’m married to a white French woman and we have two white kids. – Woo! – Yeah. And now white supremacy is on the rise. And I’m living with a house full of white people. I took them to DC over Thanksgiving break. I took them to DC and we went to the museum, the National Museum of African-American History and Culture. Yeah. Oh, beautiful museum. I’m telling you, you got to go. If you’re in DC go to this museum. Seriously. Yeah. I see the white people are like… “It’s gonna make me sad.” “I don’t want to be sad. Oh.” It made me proud. It made me proud. Yeah. It just reaffirmed what I always knew. I was like, “I can do anything.” I can do anything. To come from people who survived all that shit and we still here and kicking it, I’m like, “Pff, I can do anything.” Yeah. I can… I can do anything. I know this. And that’s why you don’t see a lot of black folks on, like, those survival-type reality shows. We don’t need to fuck around like that. Man Vs. Wild, Doomsday Preppers. No, thank you. We leave that for y’all. Black folks can get the same exhilaration just by driving around on expired tags. But one of my favorite ones to watch is Naked and Afraid. That’s the best one. If you haven’t seen Naked and Afraid, treat yo self. They take a man and a woman and they drop them off on some uninhabitable island or, you know, desert or Florida and, uh… You know, like the Everglades. You know, the swamps. Yeah. They drop them off in there. They got to get butt naked and they have to survive for 21 days. And they get to bring one item. Usually, the guy shows up with some crazy knife or custom-made ax or something. And the woman, she shows up with, like, fishing nets or maybe a fire starter. But there was this one episode, this guy showed up with his ax and this woman showed up with a fucking magnifying glass. The look on his face said it all. Like… “Magnifying glass? Like… Bitch, what you think? We out here solving crimes? What the hell?” I love that show. There was an episode that stood out, because it was a black guy on the show. Yeah. This black guy… he’s paired up with this nice little white lady from North Dakota, right? They drop ’em off on this island… and they were… Things were going great, right? So after, like, day three… the white lady’s like, “Oh, Ronald, he’s a good team player and, uh, man, like, the bugs and everything, just nothing is bothering him. Nothing is affecting him out here, so I think we’re gonna be good. He keeps to himself, but I think we’re gonna be okay.” Two days later, you find out that Ronald is homeless. Yeah. These assholes booked a homeless man to go on Naked and Afraid. So no wonder nothing was affecting him. He got on that island, he thought he was at Sandals. He was like, “Oh, shit. Yeah. I can do this. This is nice.” That lady went home. She tapped out. She was like, “I quit. I’m going home.” She was like, “I don’t think he’s ever gonna leave.” They booked a homeless man to go on Naked and Afraid. That tells me that there was no black people in the room. When they made that decision, a black person was not present, ’cause they’d have been like this, “Wait a minute, you booking a black… Are you out of your damn mind?” That’s fucked up. Yeah. You need a black friend. You need a black friend. It’s 2019. If you don’t have a black friend… you’re the problem. But if you don’t have one, I understand. I understand. It’s scary. It is. Because of how we’ve been portrayed. Right? Black people have always been portrayed as sinister, menacing, a threat. Yeah. I don’t know if you’ve heard about this story in Chicago. A black security guard, right, at a club… There was a shooting. The black security guard apprehended the shooter. The cops show up, shoot the black security guard. Yeah. ‘Cause all they saw was a black man. Why can’t we be the good guy? – Right. – Yes! Black people, we need a better publicist. No, fuck that. We need a publicist. I want the publicist that the white guys use. That publicist kicks ass. That publicist is the best. ‘Cause they know how to spin it. Even when white guys fuck up, they can spin it… in a way you won’t think, “Oh, all white guys are fucked up.” No. ‘Cause they make them individuals. You know, crazy white guy shoots up a movie theater, they give you his backstory. Right? They tell you where he went to school. “Oh, he was a loner.” They put a picture up in the news of him that’s so sympathetic. I’m watching news, I’m like, “Oh, man…” “He shoulda called me.” We need a better publicist. Yeah, I want a campaign. A campaign for black people. Right? How about, like, some billboards all across the country of black people just doing fun, non-threatening, frivolous shit? Just black people just, like, bowling. How about some slogans? You know, like “Toys for Tots.” How about a good slogan for black people? “Hey, let’s get black to business.” I like that. Or, maybe, you know, something environmental, like show black people just taking out the recycling can, you know, like… “We’re black, but we’re green.” You need a black friend. Get a black friend, you’ll learn some shit. Like, here’s an easy one. You should know this one. Never touch a black woman’s hair. Yes. Never… touch a black woman’s hair. I don’t give a fuck if she has a tarantula sitting on her head. You… Let it bite her. Here’s another one. Here’s another one I’ll give y’all. White people, you go and you get a tan. You get a nice tan, you been on vacation. Do not go back to your job and go up to your black coworker… “Hey, Denise.” “I’m almost there.” “Hey, girlfriend, I’m almost there.” We hate that shit. And we secretly wish bad black shit happens to you when you do it. “I’m almost there.” Mm-hmm. “I hope you get sickle cell.” I know some of y’all are like, “Well, Wanda, what about black people who don’t have white friends?” I’m okay with that. A lot of trust has been broken. But I do encourage them. I do. I say, “Come on, guys, let’s break this up. Come on. Spread out. Open it up a little bit.” You know, I tell them, “Ease into it. Start off with a Puerto Rican.” “They’re cool. Come on.” Look, I’m learning a lot. I’m learning a lot from my white family. I am. You know? And you know what? Yeah… People always say, “Because, Wanda, we’re all the same.” No, we’re not. We’re not all the same. We’re different. But we’re equal. We’re different. But we’re equal. And that’s the thing. That’s what we have to respect. Like, I’m learning things from my family. I’m learning how to play. Oh, ’cause black people don’t play. We don’t play. Some of the first things that we were taught as kids, right? You’re over there, acting up. Your parents tell you, “Hey, better stop playing. Oh, you think I’m playing with you? Keep playing here. Keep playing, keep playing.” Learning how to play. White people play all the time. Just make up shit. You don’t even know what you’re playing. Just play. I had to learn this. Like, we had a birthday party over the weekend, so, during the week, you know, there’s still some balloons floating around. I get up Monday morning, I’m coming downstairs, my son takes a balloon, kicks it, and it hits me right in the face. First thing I do, “Boy, you better stop playing.” He laughs, he takes another balloon, kicks it… almost knocks my glasses off. I’m like, “Oh, Lucas, you think I’m playing with you? Keep playing with me. Keep playing with me, hear?” My wife hears me yelling. She runs into the living room. “Baby, what’s the problem? Qu’est-ce qui se passe? Ça va? Ça va?” “No. No it’s not ça va!” “You want to know what… I’ll tell you what happened. Uh, Lucas here just kicked me in the face…” And now I’m hearing myself. Uh… “Uh, Lucas kicked me in the face… uh, with the balloon, uh… I haven’t had coffee yet, okay? First…” “And he did it twice. Twice. And, uh… And, uh, you know, it was that little knot part, the knot part on the balloon. You know, that little knot in the balloon? Yeah, that knot part hit me right… You… You were playing, huh? You were playing. I’m sorry, baby. I… I didn’t know you were playing. Okay, stop crying. Stop crying. It’s okay. All right. You got to let me know we’re playing or something. I didn’t know, right?” So then my wife just looked at me like I was an asshole. He goes off to school and she’s like, “What is your problem? Why did you…” I said, “Look, first of all, you need to take it down a notch, all right? You ain’t gonna be in my face like this, okay? And, second of all, I behaved the way I was supposed to behave, okay? All right? I’m a black woman, all right? I come downstairs in my living room and this little white boy kicks me in the face.” Just saying. But I felt bad. I did feel… I did. I felt bad. I did. So what I… So what I did, when he came home from school, I had all the balloons lined up. Oh, I was ready for his ass. Soon as he walked in the door, I was like, “Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! You want to play? You want to play? Boom, boom, boom!” I took care of him. All kind of shit. All kind of shit. I’m learning we’re different. Yeah. I was on my way home from, uh… I was on my way home, right? I’m in the car. And my wife, she calls me in the car. She’s like, “Babe, uh… on your way home, uh, could you stop at the pharmacy and pick up this stuff? It’s called RID. Uh… There’s a problem at the school with the lice and the kids have the lice.” I’m like, “What? Lice?” “Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kids have the lice, I have the lice, you have the lice.” “No, I don’t. No, I don’t.” “That’s some white shit.” She’s like, “No, it’s a little bug in your hair.” “Mm-mm. No, no, no, no. We don’t do that. I would choke the shit out of a lice. We don’t…” “That’s you and your inferior scalp. We don’t do that.” She’s like, “Will you pick it up?” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll pick it up. And put it in the mailbox.” “I ain’t coming in that lice-y ass house. I ain’t coming in. I’ll be at Sabrina’s. Mm-mm.” Then I thought, “Am I being ignorant? Maybe I’m being ignorant about this thing.” Right? So I called my friend, you know, she has a bunch of kids and stuff. I was like, “Hey, look, um, have you or any of your kids ever had a lice issue?” She went, “Nah, girl, that’s some white shit.” I was like, “That’s what I thought.” That’s what I thought.” I knew it. I knew it. Mm-hmm. I was gonna Google it, but I figured, no, I knew, knew what I’m talking about. Knew that.” We get different shit, different stuff. Yeah. When I was in fifth grade, I got mononucleosis. Yeah. Yeah, we had just moved. White neighborhood. And I got mononucleosis. I’m not saying white people gave me mononucleosis, but… I just got it. But the fun part was listening to my mother trying to explain it to her mother. Yeah. So my mother’s on the phone, like, “Hey, Mama, how you doing? Look, I’mma need you to come up here and stay with us for a few weeks. Wanda’s sick. Hm? Um… She’s got mo… Mononu… Hm. Lord Jesus. Uh, she’s got mo… She’s got tuberculosis.” “Mm-hmm. Yeah, she’s got the TB. Mm-hmm. Yeah, no. I got Vicks. I got the Vicks. I’ll put the Vicks on her. That’ll do.” The Vicks. We put Vicks on everything. Yes. Love the Vicks. I remember the first time I introduced Vicks to my little French family. You would have thought I poured acid on them. My daughter had a bad chest cold, right? So… So I heard the rattling. She was sleeping, but I could hear the rattle, so I was like, “Oh, Wanda, get your Vicks.” So I got my Vicks. I go in her bedroom, you know… open up my Vicks. I start putting a little bit on her, on her chest. Right? She wakes up… “Mommy-boo, you’re burning me!” I’m like, “No, no, baby, it’s just Vicks. It’s Vicks. It’ll open up the thing.” “Maman! Maman, vite, vite! Vite, Maman! Mommy-boo is burning me.” I’m like, “Olivia, I’m not burning you, sweetheart. It’s just Vicks. It’s Vicks VapoRub. It’ll open this up.” My wife comes in the room, “Baby, what is the problem? Oh, my eyes! Oh! Baby. Oh. Olivia… Ferme les yeux, Olivia. Oh, ferme tes yeux, Olivia. Oh, close your eyes, Olivia, please. Oh, baby, why are you burning us? What are you doing?” I’m like, “It’s just Vicks!” “Y’all can’t handle Vicks?” Vicks! I was so pissed. I was like, “Y’all have cheese that’s stronger than Vicks.” One of my first trips to Paris, right, I’m at her mother’s house, we’re having dinner, they pass around the cheese plate. “Wanda, tu veux du fromage?” “Non, merci.” Because I want to know… who just shit themselves at this table. So we’re just gon’ sit here like this is not happening, huh? “C’est qui qui fait caca dans leur pantalon?” That’s what I want to know. Don’t make me get up and just go around check everybody. Is that what we doing? Different. But, you know, like, all I’m doing, man, I’m just trying to, like, raise my kids like how I was raised. That’s what I’m doing, just raising my kids like how I was raised. You know? Yeah. Didn’t turn out so bad. Right? And, oh, boy, I lotion ’em up good. You should see ’em. Oh. They be glistening, man. They hate it. My wife is like, “Why? Why all the lotion, the crème? Pourquoi la crème?” I say, “‘Cause I don’t want some little ashy-ass kids.” I get their legs, everything. I lotion ’em up. They leave the house shiny, boy. I bet you even little black kids at school are looking at them like, “Oh, here come them greasy twins.” “Here come the greasy twins.” We’re all different, man. I feel different. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Yeah. Going through menopause right now. I’m sorry. Did you say sorry? Yeah, yeah. It’s the worst. Oh, my God, the hot flashes. Woo. The hot flashes are the worst. They’re crippling. All of a sudden, you just flop sweat. Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to pass out. They’re awful. They’re awful. There’s no way in the world men would put up with hot flashes. No way in the world. I think if a man had two hot flashes… they would blow the sun up. You’d go out and they got the missile pointed to the sun. “Hey, what are y’all doing?” “Oh… Bob got hot.” “Did you, Bob?” “Yeah, yeah. Just… poof. It seemed like it started in my balls and just my balls got hot and just… Poof. It was awful. We’re gonna turn that off.” “Cool it down. Cool it down.” What the hell? I mean, ladies, come on. What kind… We got a shitty hand that we were dealt, right? Is it a design flaw? What the fuck? Okay, so let me get this straight. This is our plight, right? Okay, so when you’re young, you’re fertile, you’re producing eggs, you’re bringing life into the world, right? You’re bringing life into the world. And then you get older, no more eggs. You can’t bring any more life into the world… so they just set you on fire. What kind of shit is that? You know, I’ve always said, you know what, the older I get, the less I care. But you know what? There’s science behind that. There’s science behind that. Yeah. Because, when you’re young, right, your body is producing estrogen. Now, estrogen, that’s that hormone that makes you compassionate, makes you empathetic. Makes you say sorry all the damn time for no reason. Ladies, you know how many times we say sorry for no reason? Like, even when it’s not your fault. Like, you’re at the grocery store, somebody runs into your ankle with the grocery cart and you’re like, “Ooh, ooh, sorry, my ankle was in your way.” That’s that estrogen. And then, when you get older… it drastically reduces. You’re not producing estrogen like that anymore. Yeah. So it’s not the older you get, the less you care. It’s the older you get, you’re just becoming a man. That’s why you don’t give a fuck. And becoming a man indeed. Oh, my God. If I go four days without tweezing… …I could have a nice situation going on right here. The other day, I pulled a hair out of my neck that was so long… I thought my neck was growing bangs. I was like, “What the fuck is this? Ah! How long has this been here? I can see it out the corner of my eye. Ah!” My metabolism just shut down. Oh, my God. I got a nice gut going on. Ugh. Yeah, Esther is out of control. Woo! Yes, I call her Esther. When I was in my forties, I got this little fat roll. I just named it. That was Esther. And now Esther is spreading. Esther is roaming around my body. Esther’s all creeping around my back, like, “Mm, what’s back here? Let’s see what’s back here. Hey.” And she wants to eat everything. You know? And, you know, when you get older, your digestive system changes. I can’t eat a bunch of junk, like greasy food and shit like that. That’d tear me up. But Esther’s… We sitting there watching TV, commercials come on, and Esther’s like, “Mmm. Let’s live a little. Let’s go get some of them Taco Bell Nacho Fries.” I was like, “Ain’t no way in the world I can eat some Nacho Fries.” If I got some Taco Bell Nacho Fries, I would have to eat them in the parking lot of the urgent care. I caught my wife eyeballing Esther the other day. That didn’t feel good at all. We were getting ready for bed, you know, brushing our teeth. You know, brushing my teeth. I’ve got an electric toothbrush and the jiggling from brushing my teeth just kind of… resonated on down, so Esther was just… And I saw my wife look over like… I was like, “Uh-oh, uh-oh.” But it’s okay. Esther can’t stand her either. Esther was like, “What the fuck you looking at, Frenchie?” “Don’t worry, one day, you gonna get a little Estelle. Bonjour, Estelle.” It’s the worst. Whiskers, weight gain, hot flashes. I know, one day, TMZ, they’re going to catch me standing in the frozen food section with no pants on and a full beard. But I won’t give a fuck. I’ll be like, “My balls were hot.” But, you know, there’s help, you know. There’s a solution. Like, a lot of women, they just take the estrogen. Just take the hormone. But, see, I can’t take the estrogen. I can’t take the hormone because of the type of breast cancer I had. Yeah. But the irony of it all is like when… You know, because I curse and stuff. When people say to me, “Hey, Wanda, would it kill you to be a little more ladylike?” I go, “Yes.” “It would.” “It really would.” I’m snoring now. That’s different, yep. Snoring. You know, my wife, boy, God bless her, putting up with it. You know, ’cause, at first, it started off with just some deep breathing, you know. Just like… And then it quickly escalated to… How do I know? Because my wife records it. That doesn’t feel good. That doesn’t feel good. Yeah. ‘Cause, you know, like, during the day, I’ll get, like, a text message from my wife with an audio file. And I get all excited. I’m like, “Oh, my baby loves me. She even…” It’s bad. ‘Cause, you know, you wake up in the middle of the night and she’s out of the bed. I’m like, “Uh-oh.” I got to go look for her. Like, “Ooh, did she leave me this time? What’s going on?” “Oh, no, okay, she’s over there with the kids. All right, okay. Cool, cool.” Yeah. You know, she wears the earplugs, and that doesn’t help. So she was like, “You know what, babe? I think maybe if I take, like, some Ambien or something, that could help.” I’m like, “No, no, no. You can’t take Ambien, because, you know, those drugs, you’ll wake up and do things you don’t even know you’re doing. You know, like suffocating me to death.” I don’t want to wake up chewing on a pillow. Or she’s shoving Vicks down my throat. Argh! So I was like, “Let me check with my doctor.” So I went to the doctor. I was like, you know, “I got to do something, man. I got to do something about this.” And he was like, “Well, you know, first, you got to lose some weight, Wanda.” And Esther was like, “Fuck you, I want some Nacho Fries!” I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. And he goes, “You know what? You could stop drinking.” “What else you got?” And he goes, “You know what, Wanda? I want to test you for sleep apnea. I want to test you for sleep apnea, because judging from the recordings, uh…” “Oh, man, that’s fucked up.” He said, “Yeah, I think you have sleep apnea.” So I’m like, “No, no, I don’t want to take that test, because if, uh, I have sleep apnea, then you’re going to put me on one of those CPAP machines.” I said, “I can’t do that. You know, my wife is ten years younger than I am. I can’t be in the bed with a fucking Darth Vader mask on. You know? Looking like an astronaut or shit. I can’t…” You know, I said, “It’s bad enough I’m already in the bed, you know… hot flashes with a gut and a beard coming in.” “Now you want me in the bed with that mask on?” “Do you want to sit on my face?” Thank you, New York! Yes! Thank you. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pete-holmes-dirty-clean-transcript/ | Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean (2018) – Full Transcript | pete holmes | (crowd murmurs) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Holmes! (crowd cheering) Hello, everybody! How’s it going? Thank you so much! Sit down! Have a seat! Thank you! (audience cheers) Thank you very, very much. Thank you, guys! Look at you! (scattered cheering) (audience laughs) We’re here! -(more cheers) -You– yeah! You made it! I’m proud of you! We’re doing something! (laughter) (laughter) You– I mean it. (laughter) This is sincere. You left the house? (laughter) That’s no small feat! You know how hard it is to leave– I think you do! (laughter) It’s fucking hard to leave the house. You should be proud you left the– you know… What’s in the house? Fucking everything. (laughter) Fucking everything is in the house. All your food, oooh, your little snacks. (laughter) The long chair you call a couch. Ooooh, so comfy! (laughter) -Climate control. -(laughter) You can close the door. There’s that click. Hear that click, get a nice seal on your perimeter. -(laughter) -That’s a good feeling. You close the door, and your lizard brain hears the click. It’s like, “Let’s remain here.” (laughter) “Stay here forever.” Not you guys! You’re like, “Fuck it, we’re going into the dark night.” (laughter) “We’ll find parking. We’ll make it work!” (laughter) You’re like Dora the goddamn Explorer-ers! I am impressed! I’m honored! What did you pass up in your homes? Any movie? (laughter) You guys said no to any movie… (laughter) to come to this, to roll the dice on live entertainment. (laughter and cheers) Yeah, sure… (more cheers) I agree. And it could go either way. (laughter) So glad. I– really what I was about to say… (laughing) I’m so glad this is going well. (cheers) I know, it’s weird. (applause) We all– we all want it to be good. You know what I mean? We’re all in the same boat. I’m being filmed, you’re being filmed, too. Some of you were like, “Ahhhhhh!” And there’s– (laughter) There’s a camera right next to you, you’re like, “How do I laugh normal?” (laughter) (unnatural laughing) “Ha ha haaaa– oh no!” (Pete screams) Don’t be nervous. It’s gonna be fine. I dressed up– this is dressed up for me. Some comedians wear suits for their specials, this is a suit for me. A hard pant. I don’t wanna be wearing these hard pants. What the fuck am I doing in these hard, non-giving pants? All day before I changed for the show, (laughing) I was head-to-toe Lululemon, okay? (laughter) It’s true! All day, I was rockin’ the dream. I was wearing head-to-toe Lululemon. If you don’t know what Lululemon is… you’re a good person. (laughter) Lululemon is high-end yoga-wear for assholes who don’t do yoga. (laughter) And I am one of them. I am one of those assholes. I like it, I love it. My guy friends give me shit. They tease me for wearing– for wearing Lulu. They’re like, “There’s a men’s section?” I’m like, “Yeah, you gotta look for it.” (laughter) “It moves around. You can find it.” (laughter) I like it. They think women don’t like a guy in a Lulu. I disagree… I think women like a guy in a Lulu. ‘Cause if I go up to a woman wearing Lululemon, it does all the work for me. Before I even say anything, it non-verbally transmits just, “Hey… relax.” (laughter) “Nothing bad is about to happen to you.” (laughter) No one has ever gone up to a cop like, “He went that way! He’s wearing Lululemon!” (laughter) “Go now! He’s fast and nimble! He can move and bend in ways your uniform does not allow!” (laughter) That’s never happened. Mike Pence looks like a clear gummy bear– is that… (laughter and cheers) Is that anything? (laughter) He looks like a clear– he looks like a clear gummy bear that, like, kind of got his shit together. You know what I mean? He bought a suit, like a human suit… He learned how to tie a tie with his unformed gummy hands, like… (laughter) He rehearsed in the mirror at home like, “Hello.” (laughter) “Hello, Mr. President.” (laughter) Look at him go! That fucking piña colada gummy bear got all the way to the Oval Office. (laughter) Like, he’s a bad guy, but that’s impressive for a candy. (laughter) “Please don’t leave me in a hot car.” (laughter) Like, Mike Pence has said he doesn’t wanna be left in a room alone with a woman that’s not his wife. I don’t think that’s sexual. (laughing) I think he’s too delicious. (laughter) (cheers and applause) If you laughed at that, you’re gonna love this show. You’re gonna– you picked the right night. You picked the right night. (Pete sighs) My wife and I– this is exciting, uh, we just had a baby, so we have that. (cheers and applause) Thank you very much. I’m so glad that you guys are baby positive. The baby’s only about a month old. -But when I started doing sets– -Man: Whoo! I know, it’s crazy! She just got here! Where was she? (laughter) I was sleeping next to my wife, and consciousness flipped on in her belly, just, bink, it’s here now and it’s my responsibility. It’s insane! But you guys are positive. -I’ve been talking about the baby on stage. -(woman cheers) Right when it was born– she was born, I was like, “We just had a baby.” Someone in the audience just like you guys went, “Yeah, your life’s over.” (laughter) “Bye-bye, life! “Bye-bye, life! Your life, that’s over! Your life is over!” (laughter) And I was like, “Yeah, I don’t fucking care.” I had a good run. I had 39 uninterrupted years of just like, “You guys eaten cheese?” Like, let’s fucking… (laughter) -Let’s mix this up. -(cheers) I can’t be forty like, “I’m really looking forward to the new Joker movie.” Like, let’s get some new people in here. (laughter) It’s not that bad. People all warn you that you don’t sleep. You sleep, you just sleep different. You sleep in bursts. Sleep for, like, three hours, and you’re up for an hour, sleep for two hours, and you’re up for an hour. It’s fine. Cause the best part of sleep… is falling asleep. (laughter) It’s the only part you’re there for. (laughter) It’s the only part you’re there for. The rest is just a coma. When you say you love sleep, you mean that moment where you’re waiting and you’re like, “Oh, here we go!” -Like that… -(laughter) That’s what you mean. When you cascade into the caramel waterfall, and it’s a surprise every time, like, “Oh, it’s got me!” (laughter) Where you’re the spoonful of sugar and you get swirled into the glass of ice tea that is slumber and you’re like, “I’m going away!” That is the best part of sleep. It’s the only good part of sleep. And because I have a baby now, I get to do this 22 times a night. (laughter) It’s the best! (cheers and applause) I was getting up to pee anyway. (laughter) It’s funny when you go to the hospital, you have the baby, they give you a baby. (laughter) They give you your baby. I knew it was my baby. My baby looks so much like me, it feels impolite. (laughter) Like, it’s not supposed to be– It came out, it was embarrassing. I was like, “Oh shit. It’s me.” Like, that’s not… It’s like my genes are assholes. They’re bully genes. They got in the mix and my genes were just like, “We know what to do!” (laughter) “This guy’s nose… “this guy’s lips… this guy’s labia.” It’s my baby. (laughter) It’s embarrassing. (laughter) You’re supposed to go 50/50 with your wife. You’re supposed to puff-puff-pass the baby… (laughter) and I bogarted the baby. (laughter) So they gave me the baby and I was like, “Face match I.D., a hundred percent.” (laughter) But before you leave the hospital, they all say the same thing– the parents will know. They all give you the same advice, every single nurse, there’s like twenty nurses. They all told us, they go, “Hey… Never shake a baby.” (laughter) Over and over, another nurse. “Really, really… “Hey, listen up. Don’t shake a baby.” There’s posters that say, “Never…” ever… shake a baby.” Val and I were like, “What the fuck? “Who would shake a baby? We’re, like, in love with this little baby.” What they don’t tell you… is you’re gonna want to shake that baby. (laughter) Ooooo, you’re gonna want to shake the shit out of that baby. (laughter) You are gonna be tempted as fuck to shake, like a goddamn Etch-A-Sketch, or a hysterical woman in an office in the ’60s, like, “Goddamn it, Diane!” But you want to shake the baby. (laughter) I wish I knew. It’s not like it’s out of nowhere. It’s not like you’re having a quiet night at home and the baby’s in the crib and you’re like, “Oh, I got an idea.” (laughter) It’s not that. They tell you, when the baby cries, rock the baby. They tell you, swing the baby. This is code… for kind of shake your baby. (laughter) So the baby starts crying a little bit, you shake it a little bit, and it works. Then it starts crying a lot, turns bright red, it’s screaming in your face, and you’re like, “Wha–?” (laughter) It stands to reason. (laughter) You want to. (laughter) The logic tracks. But you can’t. ‘Cause you guys know– I’m sure some of you know. You know what happens, what the disease is called if you shake a baby? (audience speaking indistinctly) Shaken– yes. Shaken… Baby… Syndrome. That’s the name of the disease. It might as well be called, “Dad Lost It.” (laughter) The disease includes what happened. It’s like a shame disease. It’s like a scarlet letter name for a disease. It’s made to dissuade you from doing it. ‘Cause you can’t be casual. You can be casual about other diseases. You can be like, “Yeah, I gotta go home. “My baby’s got a little bit of jaundice. It’s not a big deal, she’s just working through some jaundice.” You can’t be– you can’t be like you, “We got to go home…” (laughter) “My baby’s got… Shaken Baby Syndrome.” (laughter) “Yeah, I don’t know what happened.” (laughter) “It’s going around, it’s going around. She caught it. It’s in the air, it’s in the air.” Everyone knows some shit went down. You can’t– there’s no excuse. You can’t be like, “Yeah, we went off-roading. “Umm… “I told her to buckle up, but she’s a little Guy Fieri. She doesn’t give a fuck.” -(laughter) “She got tossed and tousled, she’s fucked up now. -I have no idea.” -(laughter) Can’t be like, “I put her on my cell phone, it was on vibrate, got a few calls, she’s different now.” (laughter) I haven’t– I’ve never shaken the baby. You don’t shake the baby. You want to. (laughter) I wish someone told me. I’m like, “Am I a monster?” “No, it’s everybody.” (laughter) I love having a baby, Baby Lilo. I love her. She’s amazing. And it’s not that hard. Getting a dog— I never had a dog my whole life. Getting a dog, honestly, was more confusing than getting a baby– “getting a baby.” “We got a baby.” (laughter) Honestly, getting a dog was different, cause a fucking dog– it’s not even your species. It’s just a wild animal you were like, “You wanna– you wanna be in here?” (laughter) “Hey, you, eating the pigeon bones… You wanna be in here?” (laughter) Like your baby– when your baby cries, it’s a human. I have a human baby. When it cries, you have a guess. You’re like, “It’s probably hungry. It’s hot, or it’s cold, has gas.” These are the problems that I have. (laughter) So you’re like, “I got it.” I have no idea what my dog wants. My best guess? Never-ending eye contact? (laughter) I’m trying to watch “Great British Bake Off,” he’s just down there, just like, “Hey, Dad.” (laughter) “Over here.” “What the fuck do you want?” I don’t know what he wants. I was raised with cats, and you can kind of tell. (laughter) You can kind of tell I was raised with cats. That’s the worst heckle you can give me, is laughing at that. (laughter) You can tell I was raised with cats because the command I most often give my dog is, “Go live your life.” (laughter) I don’t know what he wants. They’re– they’re needy, I just didn’t know how needy a dog is. I’ve been out of the house for two days. If my dog had a cell phone, I’d have 4,022 missed calls. 4,022 texts… of the bone emoji and the walk emoji. (laughter) He’d be face-timing me right now just like, “Look in these baby-browns, Dad. Look in these goddamn baby-browns.” You look for your cat, you hide from your dog. Does that make sense? (laughter) You don’t know where your fucking cat is. Like, people say cats are evil, and they are… But they’re also all set. You know what I mean? They’re fine. They’re off learning to fucking meditate or some shit. They’re rolling their own cigarettes. (laughter) When I left the house, with my dog I had to, like, toss a tuna steak and do a barrel-roll out the window, just so he wouldn’t be like, “Is this forever?” (laughter) But if you have a cat and you see your cat, you’re excited, you’re like– it’s like a B-list celebrity sighting. (laughter) It’s like seeing John Stamos napping in a sunbeam in your kitchen. (laughter) Like, “Oh, my God! We have a cat?” Scoop it up, “I knew I wasn’t crazy!” You take pictures with the cat, selfies with the cat, prove you have a cat. Put the cat down, he’s like, “Don’t tag me. Don’t tag me.” (laughter) I’m being real with you, I don’t know how smart animals are. I know there are different levels, right? There are different levels of smartness? Like my neighbor, he has two dogs. He was telling me that he has a big dog and he has a little dog, and when he goes out of town, he has to tape newspaper to the reflective glass of his fireplace. Otherwise– listen to this, the little dog will see his reflection and think there’s a second little dog stuck in the place that he’s only ever seen burst into flames. (laughter) So he’s just like, “Heyyyyy! “Hey!… Hey!… Hey! H”ey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I ain’t goin’ nowhere, brother!” (laughter) ‘Cause he’s a goddamn hero. (laughter) But when my neighbor told me that his little dog doesn’t understand reflections, all I heard was… the big dog does? (laughter) Like, I’m a human being, I don’t understand reflections. You’re telling me a slightly larger dog is like… “I get it.” (laughter) “That ain’t me. “I’m me, that looks like me. I know what I look like, but that’s a trick of the eye.” (laughter) “Life… (scoffs) It’s a mystery. “It’s a particle and a wave. “It’s both. “Some of the particles go through the glass, “that’s why we can see what’s illuminated “inside the fireplace. “But then a rather arbitrary amount bounce back and frame me in light.” (scoffing) “I love science.” (laughter and applause) “I love science. “I love it. I love science and licking my own asshole.” (enthusiastic dog gibberish) I got married this year, too. Big year, baby and married. (cheers and applause) Thank you. Sweet Lady Val. I’m glad you guys are pro-baby. I’m glad you’re pro-marriage. A lot of my friends in L.A., anti-marriage. Showbiz town, nobody gets married. I’ve noticed that the same group, though, that is anti-marriage, they’re all pro-tattoo. (laughter) It’s the same group. They come up to me and they’re just like, “I don’t know, man. “I don’t know how you can make a commitment of that magnitude.” (laughter) I’m like, “You have the word ‘sublime’ on your neck.” (laughter) “Every job interview you go on, “they’re gonna be looking at that old-English ‘sublime,’ and they’re gonna be thinking,” ♪ Uhh, caress me down ♪ “Like that?” (laughter) That’s a commitment. My wife is amazing. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s my best friend, she’s got big ol’ titties. So, yeah… (laughter and cheers) Now, she loves this joke. Don’t worry, she loves this joke. (laughter) She got– you got big ol’ titties, and I wanna talk about it. (laughter) I’m tired of not talking about it. My wife has big boobs. You know why? ‘Cause I don’t give up on my goddamn childhood dreams. (cheers and applause) I’m not a quitter. Eight-year-old me… Eight-year-old me fucking loves me. When I was eight, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big boobs and a race car bed, and I am halfway there. (laughter) Big boobs are interesting. I feel for her, ’cause she can’t really hide ’em. She can cover ’em up, but everybody knows. They’re there. It’s like throwing a tarp over a porch of a house. (laughter) No one looks at the house like, “Look at that house that doesn’t have a porch.” (laughter) You can still see the shape and the size. You’re like, “That house has some big-ass porches.” Like, you know. I feel bad, like, you can hide a big ol’ dick. (laughter) No one has to know. You can send it down one leg. You can curl it up like a Cinnabon. (laughter) It’s a reveal. On the big night, it’s a reveal. You’re like, “Yeaaahhhhhh!” (laughter) “That’s why I’m so confident!” -Like… -(laughter) With big boobs, everyone can tell. Everyone can tell, which can be awkward sometimes. Like, she had to meet my parents. What do you do? (laughter) You just have to own it. You’re just like, “Mom, Dad, as you can see…” (laughter) “This is what your son is into.” (laughter) (blubbering) (laughter) “Mom, you remember.” (laughing) It’s weird whenever you meet somebody’s significant other. It’s a little too much info. You know what I’m talking about? Especially if you don’t know them, and they’re just like, “This is Tina.” Like, I don’t wanna see that shit. (laughter) I don’t wanna see the manifestation of the recesses of your sexual subconscious. You’re just like, “Yeah, this is what makes me rock hard.” (laughter) “Fucking beat it, Dan. We’re in a Chipotle, keep that shit to yourself.” I’m like, “What did Val’s parents do to her that this is what she wants?” (laughter) Like, that she wants this ogre Lithuanian that’s like, “What’s going on, you guys?” (laughter) We got engaged– some of you might know this story. We got engaged in a hot air balloon, ’cause I’m not fucking around. She mentioned when we were dating that she always wanted to go in a hot air balloon, so I wrote it down. Then four years later, I was like, “It’s time to get married. I want to get married. Let’s go hot air balloon.” She knew. She knew what was up. It wasn’t a surprise. You know, she knew we were gonna get engaged. You can’t just roll up to a hot air balloon… (laughter) wearing your one sport coat. (laughter) Just like, “We’ve been dating for four years. Would you like to hover in a basket for no reason?” (laughter) “Would you like to be adrift airborne for no reason whatsoever?” She knew. She’s not a dummy. In fact, if she had been surprised, I might have called it off. -Like, if… -(laughter) But I didn’t think it through. The– the basket’s fucking tiny. It’s the size of, like, four pizza boxes. So when I got in, it’s already pretty much full. And then I was like, “This’ll be fine, Val. We’ll get in. It’ll be a romantic day.” What I didn’t consider is there’s another– (laughter) there’s another fucking guy. (laughter) Of course, there’s another guy to fly the balloon. And he gets in and he’s right here. I can feel the tickle of this stranger’s whiskers, just like… I can feel the heat of his breath, and he’s just– he was like a man’s man. He’s like a Ben Affleck character. He’s wearing like a Carhartt jacket with scuffs on and he’s watching you. He’s just like, (chewing gum sound) (hot air balloon torch sound) (laughter) He was kind of ruining the day. He kept calling everything gay. (audience exclaims) I know! Biggest day of my life, he’s up there just like, “That’s Janet Jackson’s ranch down there… fucking gay.” (balloon torch sound) (balloon torch sound) “I used to work at that deli. They fired me. Huh, fucking gay.” (balloon torch noise) I was like, “Sir, You pilot a balloon.” (laughter and applause) “You pilot a rainbow-colored balloon, “soaring majestic over the Wine Country of Santa Barbara. Maybe cool it on the ‘gays.'” (laughter) But it was enough. It was enough to shake me. He’s right here. I was planning to be very flowery, I was gonna be like, “Val, ever since “I first saw you, I knew… You are like the sun, and the moon, and the sky.” But I got this fucking– (laughter) “You gonna do it?” (laughter) So I got nervous– this is a hundred percent real. I took the ring out. Val acted surprised, “Oooo!” Nice girl. But I froze up. I just went, “Val…” (laughter) “I would be honored to call you my wife.” (laughter) That’s all I said. -(laughter) -I blew it! I didn’t propose. You’re supposed to propose. You’re supposed to say, “Will you marry me?” I just went, “It would be great.” (laughter) “Let’s get the law involved.” (laughter and applause) I didn’t give her anything to respond to. It’s like we were playing tennis, but she didn’t have a racket. I was just like, “pop,” and she was like… (laughter) But she’s good. She said yes. Even though I didn’t say anything, she went, “Yeah!” I put the ring on. I’m wondering what fucking Affleck’s gonna say. I don’t want him to judge me. I don’t want him to be like, “Yeah, Man marrying a woman? That’s fucking gay!” -(balloon torch sound) -(laughter) That’s not what he said. This is a hundred percent real, this is true. It’s dead quiet in the balloon. I just proposed, she said yes. I didn’t propose, but she said yes. What’s the guy gonna say? Hundred percent real. He does two celebratory toots of the flame… (torch sounds) This is a hundred percent real, he goes, “A lot of girls up here… they say no.” (laughter) As if that wasn’t bad enough, then he adds, “One girl said yes in the basket, when we landed said no.” (laughter) “Clever girl.” (laughter) Clever girl? Don’t “Jurassic Park” my engagement story. -(indistinct) -(laughter) Did you know the movie “Three Amigos” was released in Spanish-speaking countries as ” Tres Friends?” (laughter) What else can I tell ya? I’m older. I like traffic. I’m being real with you, I don’t mind traffic. I’m not just doing material that fits my friendly face. (laughter) You can imagine being in traffic and just look at me being all like… (laughter) But I mean it, I don’t mind traffic. Is this a traffic city? (cheers and confirmations) Eh, who cares? (laughter) What’s the big deal? Just sit there. Nothing is being asked of you, just fucking remain. (laughter) Surrender… (Pete laughing) Surrender and remain. I know I’m in the minority. I always look to my left, there’s always a guy in a white BMW that’s like, “God fucking dammit!” A vein in his neck like a white chocolate Snickers bar. (screaming) (laughter) Like, where are you going? Seriously, where are you headed? You stupid bitch… Where are you going? (laughter and applause) Seriously, what is so important? You’re just like… (screams) “I’ll be happy when I’m at work!” (laughter) Be happy now. Enjoy everything. Really… that’s why I don’t use Waze. You guys know what Waze is? Waze is the app that uses crowd-sourced info to get you around traffic. I know a lot of you probably like Waze. Does anybody here hate Waze? (scattered cheers) Fuck Waze. (laughter) I only need a few of you. Fuck Waze. Listen to me. It’s not the way of the soul. (laughter) It’s all head, it’s no heart. Do you know what I mean? It just sucks you in, and you’re just like, “Traffic? Ha! We’ll see about that.” (laughter) Right, left, right, left. Left, left, left. Right, right, left. Right, left, right. “I’m a special boy!” (laughter) Just fucking give up, you stupid bitch. Give up! I don’t need– I don’t need to save five minutes careening through gated communities. (laughter) We don’t belong on those roads. Apple Orchard Lane? Get out of there! And even if you like– Even if you like it, I think we can agree there should be a medium setting. (laughter) Why am I thinking of this? I’m not an app developer. There should be a medium. There’s no medium. It’s either off or Indiana Jones. That’s all you got. It’s either radio silence, or it thinks you’re rushing a kidney to the Obama family. (laughter) But I say fuck it. I mean this. Give up. Surrender. Just get on the freeway with the rest of us. Long, slow, straight. Good. Tune out, listen to music. Why are you so afraid of being alone? Just be with yourself. Call an old friend, keep a friendship alive. Listen to a podcast. My friends all get there– I feel you pulling away. I– my… (laughter) That’s okay. My friends all use Waze, they get to the office five minutes before me. You can tell they use Waze, ’cause they’re white as a sheet. Their eyes are bugging out of their head from making those suicide lefts onto five oncoming lanes of traffic, just like, (screams) (screaming) “This is a shortcut!” (laughter) You can be five minutes early, I’ll be ten minutes late and tell everyone what I learned on “This American Life.” That’s a better way. It’s a better way. (cheers and applause) What I’m saying is enjoy everything. This is all we have. Or maybe it’s not, I don’t know. I won’t make fun of your answers, does anybody here– clap if you believe in an afterlife. (applause) Clap if you don’t believe in it, but you’re open to it. -(applause) -You don’t think there’s evidence, -but you’re open to it. -(applause) Anybody reincarnation? Reincarnation? (scattered clapping) And who thinks it’s just dead over, you just unplug the TV, boom? (applause) I think you’re all right. (laughter) I think those are all correct answers. What I think is funny about it, though, is all my friends think it’s dead over. They just think you unplug the TV, and it’s lights out. And they all say the same thing to me. They’re just like, “Pete, think about it. “Afterlife? “Makes no sense. “Makes no sense, an afterlife. “You think an afterlife makes sense? “You gotta think about that again, cause an afterlife…” (laughter) “Afterlife makes no sense.” And I’m always like, “Yeah, I agree with you. “You know what else makes no sense? Fucking this.” (laughter) “Life makes no fucking sense.” So I would argue that life sets a precedent for potentially more shit that makes no sense. Does that make sense? -(cheers and applause) -But my friends… -Why not? -(applause) But my friends are all like, “Nah, man, there’s this bullshit “that we all woke up in that’s confusing, that none of us asked for.” (laughter) “And then no more bullshit. It’s a one-time bullshit deal.” What? Nothing makes fucking sense. Life makes no sense. You’re on a planet right now. You think you’re in America? Zoom out. (laughter) You’re on a space rock floating in nothingness, infinite nothingness. And the infinite nothingness is expanding. That means endlessness is getting bigger. That makes no fucking sense. (laughter and applause) We all just act like it’s normal. Like, “Oh, we’re– everything’s made of molecules.” “Okay…” (laughter) “Got it. I’ll never think about that again.” I’m made of molecules, you’re made of molecules. The air between us, it’s all made of molecules. That makes no fucking sense. These molecules know they’re molecules? These molecules are like, “I’m Pete.” That doesn’t make any sense. (laughter) This stool is made of molecules, the same molecules in my hand. In fact, some of the molecules in this stool went into me while I’ve been talking, and some that were me have gone into this stool. And you when I knock these molecules into these molecules, when we ask science, “Why don’t they go through each other?” You know what the answer is? “We don’t know.” (laughter) That doesn’t make any fucking sense. I’m open to anything. If I died– listen to me. If I died and it was just kitty cat Thanksgiving, I’d be like, “Yeah, okay. “Makes about as much sense as the fucking conundrum “I was just stuck in. Pass the gravy.” (laughter) I’m not saying it’s for sure, I’m just saying it’s worth debating. It makes me wonder, like… I wonder, as a thought experiment, if we were somewhere before we were here, if we were just mist. Like each of you didn’t have a body, you were just mist, you were just awareness. If we were all just hanging out in some sort of primordial area, just debating the existence of life. Just like, “You believe in life?” (laughter) “Get real!” (laughter) “You think there’s hot dogs and roller skates? You’re a child!” (laughter) “Didn’t you go to college?” Don’t get me wrong, nothing is absolutely one of the choices. Absolutely, I see that for sure, and I’m not afraid of nothing. I’m not afraid of nothing. (laughter) Who fucking cares? It’s nothing. If you’re nothing, people be like, “I don’t wanna be nothing.” Who fu– you won’t be there! Just jump off the high dive into soft, dark soil and you’re like, “Bye-bye, Pete,” like, fine. (laughter) I just don’t wanna go to Hell. (laughing) There’s no Hell! (laughter and applause) Be reasonable, there’s no fucking Hell! (screaming) (laughter) Don’t wanna be wrong about that one. (laughter) If there is a Hell, I don’t think the worst part will be the torture. I think the worst part would be that we don’t get breaks to talk about the torture. (laughter) I think that’s what would make it Hell. Like if they would blow a whistle every twenty minutes, and we all just gather in a common area and drink boiling water. Just like, “What are they doing to you?” I’ll say, “Oh, yeah, I’m in a room with millions of little crabs.” (laughter) “It’s like tiny little crabs and they’re eating me real slow.” And they’re like, “Oh, yeah. With the little nibbles?” “Yeah! Yeah! The little nibbles!” (laughter) “What are they doing to you?” “Oh, I’m getting fucked by a donkey.” (laughter) “Yeah, they’re running out of ideas down here. It’s been a while, we’re falling in love.” (laughter) I think– I think that might be my heaven. Like suffering, then talking about it, suffering, then talking about it. Like what we’re doing here. You know what I’m saying? (laughter and applause) What if the last words of the bible were “You had to be there.” What if that– (laughter) Get to the end, it’s like, “It really would’ve made more sense if you saw this.” (laughter) One of my career goals is to open a Christian buffet called “God Helps Those That Help Themselves.” (laughter) Oh, let’s do this. This is something I want to do. On the count of three… Don’t say anything, don’t say anything. But just check if you have to pee. All of us are gonna do it. At the same time, we’re all gonna check. Don’t say anything. 3… 2… 1… Check if you have to pee. (laughter) What was that? (laughter) I’m serious, what did you just do? Let’s just do it again, especially if you didn’t do it the first time, 3-2-1… Check if you have to pee. What? (laughter) Like, what action did you just command? You’re like, “Okay, go down. Uh, send something down.” (laughter) Like, most of the time, you’re up here. Like, who you are is behind your eyes, and you just sort of puppeteer your body. You know, you’re just kind of dangling down there like a marionette, and you’re like, “Get that Diet Coke. Send the arm.” (laughter) -“Give it to us.” -(chugging noises) (laughter) But every once in a while when you check if you have to pee, you send a little piece of you repelling down on a reconnaissance mission to your dick or your pussy, and you’re just like… (laughter) “30%. I’d say like twenty more minutes.” (laughter) Like, I’m so tired of not talking about this. Your brain is weird. Your brain has eyes. Like, you have eyes, but your brain also has eyes that sees things that only you can see. Like, picture an orange. Keep your eyes open but picture an orange. The fuck? (laughter) Like, really do it, keep ’em open, but think really hard about an orange. What the shit? Just for a second, bink! Just a giant orange. I don’t know how big yours was, mine was giant. Just a giant translucent orange that only you can see. God, I hope you’re stoned. (laughter) God, I hope you’re stoned. But why do you have to be stoned for this to be interesting? Like, your brain has ears. Seriously, it has ears. You have ears, your brain also has ears. Sing “Happy Birthday” in your head; we’ll all do it. Everybody sing “Happy Birthday” in your head right now. (laughter) How are you hearing that? I’m serious, what the fuck is going on? It’s so normal. We’re just like, “Yeah, I could hear it. No one else could hear it. I could hear it.” There’s just a part of you listening, like, “Yeah, Happy Birthday.” (laughter) What’s going on? Make it louder. Let’s sing it again, but make it as loud as you possibly can. Ready? Go. (laughter) Was it louder? Clap if you think it was louder. (applause) Clap if it wasn’t louder, the voice was just going, (shouting) “Happy Birthday…” (applause) Okay, so you can’t make it louder? So there’s just a set volume for your thoughts? How do you know your set volume is the same as my set volume? Maybe some people it’s louder, maybe that’s what crazy people are. They’re not crazy, they just have a fucked up volume. They’re walking around and they’re just like, “Buy a hammer.” “All right!” (laughter) “Kill that pigeon, it’s your dad.” “Okay!” (laughter) “With the hammer?” “Yes.” “Ohhhhh!” (laughter) I was having lunch with a friend of mine. He’s black. I tell you he’s black for a reason, because during the lunch he kept saying the N word. Said it like thirty times. He didn’t say the word, he kept saying, “the N word.” I was like, “Uh, hey… That’s our phrase.” (laughter) Oooo, some of you are sitting that one out, I can see that. There’s a pheromone that white people release when they’re not sure if they can laugh at a joke. They’re like, “I heard the words necessary to make a racist joke, “I’m gonna take a pause here. We’ll laugh in the Audi. It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine.” (laughter) I think it’s interesting, though, there’s some races– It’s 2018, there’s still some races it’s totally fine to be racist towards. I don’t mean like hate speech. I mean like casual, socially-acceptable racism, like towards Italians. Why is that okay? You all know what I’m talking about. I can be with my Italian friends, it’s totally fine for me to be like, “You guys want to, uh– you want to get a… (imitating Italian accent) Pizza pie?” (laughter) (normal voice) What the fuck? Why is that okay? (Italian accent) “Oh, linguine with clams!” (normal voice) I know a lot of you are Italian. I’m not Italian. (Italian accent) “Oh, molto bene !” (normal voice) No one’s gonna tweet about this. This is not a controversy, it’s fine. It’s in our video games. (Italian accent) “It’sa me, Mario.” (laughter) (normal voice) ‘It’sa me?’ ‘It’sa me,’ just an impression of an immigrant struggling with the language. (laughter) (Italian accent) “I’ma Luigi, I’ma gonna win-a.” (normal voice) Don’t tease him, he’s new here. (laughter) Help him find the bus, help him find work. Why is that okay? It’s like a weird blind spot. You can’t say, ‘herrow.’ (laughter) I agree, why is it fine to be like, “Oh, Giuseppe?” Like, it’s crazy… They’re gonna make a Mad Men type show about this time that we’re in now, and we’re all gonna watch and be like, “Huh… Things were different!” Like, it’s not– it’s now. Things are different now. We’re living through a weird fucking time right now. “Ohhhhhhh!” Enjoy it. Three more years. (laughter) We are living in the future. Well, now we are– now. Now. Now is the future– now. Now’s the future. Now. You know what I think is fucking crazy about living now? Elon Musk, you know, the crazy billionaire dude, invented the self-driving car. It’s crazy, this isn’t something they’re working on, they made it. They have a self-driving car now. What I think is funny about that is it doesn’t matter how fancy an invention Elon Musk makes, he’s still just one of these. Does that make sense? Like he’s still– he’s stuck in one of these meat puppets. Just like you and me, just like a baboon, he’s just a guy just going around. There’s some things you can’t upgrade… is my point. Like, he’s working on impossible math to make a self-driving car, but when he gets hungry there’s no technology. He just goes, “Oh, there’s a rumble in my jumble.” Like, he just feels– (laughter) Just like you and me, just goes, “Oh, I gotta eat!” Then he gets a plate. That’s the height of technology, a plate. Just a level surface for his food with a piece of salmon on it, and he wants that salmon in him. It’s too big, so he gets a fork and a knife. That’s the height of the technology. And he cuts it into a mouth-sized piece and he goes, “That’s about right.” It’s too hot, so he goes… (blowing noises) He can’t upgrade this. He just has to go… (blowing noises) “Mouth-wind activate.” (blowing noises) And he puts it in his mouth and he gnaws it. (gnawing sounds) He swallows it like a fucking pelican, cause that’s the best he can do. (gulping noises) You understand? He can’t upgrade this. Like when he has to shit, he doesn’t have a contact lens that goes like, “Elon, shit detected.” (laughter) He just feels it like you and me. He just goes, “Oh, that’s not gas.” (grunting as Elon Musk) “I feel shame.” (laughter) “I feel shame and I want to be alone.” (laughter) So he makes an excuse with his egghead friends. He’s like, “Oh, I have to make a phone call.” But no, he doesn’t. He has to go in a little room and squat on a bowl that’s filled with water. That’s the best we can do. That is the height of the technology. Is a bowl filled with water, and he squats like an ostrich in the Serengeti and he bears down. He goes, “Elon, push…” (grunting) Don’t you back away from me right now, this is what he fucking does. He pushes and he hears, “Plop, plop, plop.” And that’s how he knows progress is being made. (laughter) And then when he thinks he’s done, and he’s not always right… (laughter) When he thinks he’s done, he gets paper. That’s the best we have, paper. You know, from ancient Egypt. And he wipes his shitty ass and then he looks at it. (laughter and applause) Don’t you fucking pull away from me. Everyone in this room knows there’s no better method than the wipe and the look. The old wipe and look. He goes wipe, wipe, wipe, and then he goes, “Oh, I got some work ahead of me.” (laughter) He goes wipe, wipe, wipe, “Getting there.” Wipe, wipe, wipe, “Clean but I don’t trust it.” Wipe, wipe, wipe, “Good thing I didn’t stop while I was ahead.” (laughter) And then he gets to what he considers an Elon-level of clean, he washes his hands, gets in his car, and goes, (beep sound) “Home.” (laughter) (cheers and applause) Crazy. All porn happened in the past. (laughter) Like, I know there’s cams and stuff, but for the most part, it was earlier. Like we’re ahead of them. Like we’re now and they’re then. They’re like back then and we know shit they don’t know. They’re back then like, “Ohhhhhhhh! I wonder if Hillary’s gonna win.” Like, they don’t know. (laughter) “When’s the McRib coming back?” They’re in the dark. We’re the dum-dums that are home just going like, “It’s now in my mind.” Like, it’s a pretend… But I’m off porn, I really– I go off and on. It’s hard, it’s addictive. But I knew I had to go off, cause the last time I was watching– using it. I don’t know what you say. I was watching it, I was mastur– Of course I was masturbating. Be weird if I was just like, “Ah-ha!” (laughter) I was masturbating. And when– I’m sorry… (laughing) And when I was finishing, I didn’t give the order to say anything, but I involuntarily, while I was cumming, I went, “Not worth it.” (laughter and applause) Cause it wasn’t! It wasn’t worth it… that dirty feeling I had to carry around with me the rest of the day. I had to go to the post office. There’s kids and old women there. I had to be like, “I’m not a monster,” like, I had to. (laughter) I have to be off porn, though, cause it’s the acting. One of the things that really ruins it for me is the acting. And I don’t even mean the acting before the sex, where they’re like, “I have a pizza for Misty.” Like not that. (laughter) I’m talking about the acting during the sex. For the most part, it’s normal, but every once in a while, you come across a man or woman that’s just overdoing it. Like I saw– the last clip I watched– this is a hundred percent accurate impression… I’ll send you the link. (laughter) This woman was going nuts. It’s a regular sex scene, just normal stuff, and she was going… (laughing) Okay. (audience laughs and applauds) She’s going… (gibberish sex noises) (laughter) (unintelligible sex moans) “Fuck that pussy!” I’m not even exaggerating, “Fuck that pussy!” Like, in the scene before, she was normal. She was like, “Hello,” and then when the sex– (animalistic shouting) Like, what are you doing? Have you had sex before? This isn’t an exorcism. People are trying to masturbate. (over-enthusiastic sex noises) “There was no script, we let you improvise, and this is what you come in with?” (laughter) Did she rehearse that? Like in her trailer in front of the mirror before? Just like, “I’ll be right out!” (laughter) “Wooooo.” (laughter) (Italian accent) ” Molto bene ! No.” (laughter and applause) (normal voice) “Seems racist.” (laughter) (guttural sex sound) (laughter) “Fuck that pussy– “Nope, no… not quite right. “Fuck that… “Pusssssyyyyyyyyy! I’m ready!” Portland… -(cheers and applause) Thank you so, so, so much. Best crowd I’ve had in a long time. I mean that. Thank you. Thank you. I see it. Thank you guys! Keep it crispy. Be good. Good night! ♪ I get a little punchy with the vodka ♪ ♪ just like my great uncle Valentine Jester did ♪ ♪ But he had to deal with those people like you ♪ ♪ Who made no goddamn common sense ♪ ♪ I’d rather walk all the way home right now ♪ ♪ Than to spend one more second in this place ♪ ♪ I’m exactly like you Valentine, just ♪ ♪ Come outside and leave with me ♪ ♪ Let’s just get high enough to see our problems♪ ♪ Let’s just get high enough to see ♪ ♪ Our fathers’ houses ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪ | (crowd cheering) Hello, everybody! How’s it going? Thank you so much! Sit down! Have a seat! Thank you! (audience cheers) Thank you very, very much. Thank you, guys! Look at you! (scattered cheering) (audience laughs) We’re here! -(more cheers) -You– yeah! You made it! I’m proud of you! We’re doing something! (laughter) (laughter) You– I mean it. (laughter) This is sincere. You left the house? (laughter) That’s no small feat! You know how hard it is to leave– I think you do! (laughter) It’s fucking hard to leave the house. You should be proud you left the– you know… What’s in the house? Fucking everything. (laughter) Fucking everything is in the house. All your food, oooh, your little snacks. (laughter) The long chair you call a couch. Ooooh, so comfy! (laughter) -Climate control. -(laughter) You can close the door. There’s that click. Hear that click, get a nice seal on your perimeter. -(laughter) -That’s a good feeling. You close the door, and your lizard brain hears the click. It’s like, “Let’s remain here.” (laughter) “Stay here forever.” Not you guys! You’re like, “Fuck it, we’re going into the dark night.” (laughter) “We’ll find parking. We’ll make it work!” (laughter) You’re like Dora the goddamn Explorer-ers! I am impressed! I’m honored! What did you pass up in your homes? Any movie? (laughter) You guys said no to any movie… (laughter) to come to this, to roll the dice on live entertainment. (laughter and cheers) Yeah, sure… (more cheers) I agree. And it could go either way. (laughter) So glad. I– really what I was about to say… (laughing) I’m so glad this is going well. (cheers) I know, it’s weird. (applause) We all– we all want it to be good. You know what I mean? We’re all in the same boat. I’m being filmed, you’re being filmed, too. Some of you were like, “Ahhhhhh!” And there’s– (laughter) There’s a camera right next to you, you’re like, “How do I laugh normal?” (laughter) (unnatural laughing) “Ha ha haaaa– oh no!” (Pete screams) Don’t be nervous. It’s gonna be fine. I dressed up– this is dressed up for me. Some comedians wear suits for their specials, this is a suit for me. A hard pant. I don’t wanna be wearing these hard pants. What the fuck am I doing in these hard, non-giving pants? All day before I changed for the show, (laughing) I was head-to-toe Lululemon, okay? (laughter) It’s true! All day, I was rockin’ the dream. I was wearing head-to-toe Lululemon. If you don’t know what Lululemon is… you’re a good person. (laughter) Lululemon is high-end yoga-wear for assholes who don’t do yoga. (laughter) And I am one of them. I am one of those assholes. I like it, I love it. My guy friends give me shit. They tease me for wearing– for wearing Lulu. They’re like, “There’s a men’s section?” I’m like, “Yeah, you gotta look for it.” (laughter) “It moves around. You can find it.” (laughter) I like it. They think women don’t like a guy in a Lulu. I disagree… I think women like a guy in a Lulu. ‘Cause if I go up to a woman wearing Lululemon, it does all the work for me. Before I even say anything, it non-verbally transmits just, “Hey… relax.” (laughter) “Nothing bad is about to happen to you.” (laughter) No one has ever gone up to a cop like, “He went that way! He’s wearing Lululemon!” (laughter) “Go now! He’s fast and nimble! He can move and bend in ways your uniform does not allow!” (laughter) That’s never happened. Mike Pence looks like a clear gummy bear– is that… (laughter and cheers) Is that anything? (laughter) He looks like a clear– he looks like a clear gummy bear that, like, kind of got his shit together. You know what I mean? He bought a suit, like a human suit… He learned how to tie a tie with his unformed gummy hands, like… (laughter) He rehearsed in the mirror at home like, “Hello.” (laughter) “Hello, Mr. President.” (laughter) Look at him go! That fucking piña colada gummy bear got all the way to the Oval Office. (laughter) Like, he’s a bad guy, but that’s impressive for a candy. (laughter) “Please don’t leave me in a hot car.” (laughter) Like, Mike Pence has said he doesn’t wanna be left in a room alone with a woman that’s not his wife. I don’t think that’s sexual. (laughing) I think he’s too delicious. (laughter) (cheers and applause) If you laughed at that, you’re gonna love this show. You’re gonna– you picked the right night. You picked the right night. (Pete sighs) My wife and I– this is exciting, uh, we just had a baby, so we have that. (cheers and applause) Thank you very much. I’m so glad that you guys are baby positive. The baby’s only about a month old. -But when I started doing sets– -Man: Whoo! I know, it’s crazy! She just got here! Where was she? (laughter) I was sleeping next to my wife, and consciousness flipped on in her belly, just, bink, it’s here now and it’s my responsibility. It’s insane! But you guys are positive. -I’ve been talking about the baby on stage. -(woman cheers) Right when it was born– she was born, I was like, “We just had a baby.” Someone in the audience just like you guys went, “Yeah, your life’s over.” (laughter) “Bye-bye, life! “Bye-bye, life! Your life, that’s over! Your life is over!” (laughter) And I was like, “Yeah, I don’t fucking care.” I had a good run. I had 39 uninterrupted years of just like, “You guys eaten cheese?” Like, let’s fucking… (laughter) -Let’s mix this up. -(cheers) I can’t be forty like, “I’m really looking forward to the new Joker movie.” Like, let’s get some new people in here. (laughter) It’s not that bad. People all warn you that you don’t sleep. You sleep, you just sleep different. You sleep in bursts. Sleep for, like, three hours, and you’re up for an hour, sleep for two hours, and you’re up for an hour. It’s fine. Cause the best part of sleep… is falling asleep. (laughter) It’s the only part you’re there for. (laughter) It’s the only part you’re there for. The rest is just a coma. When you say you love sleep, you mean that moment where you’re waiting and you’re like, “Oh, here we go!” -Like that… -(laughter) That’s what you mean. When you cascade into the caramel waterfall, and it’s a surprise every time, like, “Oh, it’s got me!” (laughter) Where you’re the spoonful of sugar and you get swirled into the glass of ice tea that is slumber and you’re like, “I’m going away!” That is the best part of sleep. It’s the only good part of sleep. And because I have a baby now, I get to do this 22 times a night. (laughter) It’s the best! (cheers and applause) I was getting up to pee anyway. (laughter) It’s funny when you go to the hospital, you have the baby, they give you a baby. (laughter) They give you your baby. I knew it was my baby. My baby looks so much like me, it feels impolite. (laughter) Like, it’s not supposed to be– It came out, it was embarrassing. I was like, “Oh shit. It’s me.” Like, that’s not… It’s like my genes are assholes. They’re bully genes. They got in the mix and my genes were just like, “We know what to do!” (laughter) “This guy’s nose… “this guy’s lips… this guy’s labia.” It’s my baby. (laughter) It’s embarrassing. (laughter) You’re supposed to go 50/50 with your wife. You’re supposed to puff-puff-pass the baby… (laughter) and I bogarted the baby. (laughter) So they gave me the baby and I was like, “Face match I.D., a hundred percent.” (laughter) But before you leave the hospital, they all say the same thing– the parents will know. They all give you the same advice, every single nurse, there’s like twenty nurses. They all told us, they go, “Hey… Never shake a baby.” (laughter) Over and over, another nurse. “Really, really… “Hey, listen up. Don’t shake a baby.” There’s posters that say, “Never…” ever… shake a baby.” Val and I were like, “What the fuck? “Who would shake a baby? We’re, like, in love with this little baby.” What they don’t tell you… is you’re gonna want to shake that baby. (laughter) Ooooo, you’re gonna want to shake the shit out of that baby. (laughter) You are gonna be tempted as fuck to shake, like a goddamn Etch-A-Sketch, or a hysterical woman in an office in the ’60s, like, “Goddamn it, Diane!” But you want to shake the baby. (laughter) I wish I knew. It’s not like it’s out of nowhere. It’s not like you’re having a quiet night at home and the baby’s in the crib and you’re like, “Oh, I got an idea.” (laughter) It’s not that. They tell you, when the baby cries, rock the baby. They tell you, swing the baby. This is code… for kind of shake your baby. (laughter) So the baby starts crying a little bit, you shake it a little bit, and it works. Then it starts crying a lot, turns bright red, it’s screaming in your face, and you’re like, “Wha–?” (laughter) It stands to reason. (laughter) You want to. (laughter) The logic tracks. But you can’t. ‘Cause you guys know– I’m sure some of you know. You know what happens, what the disease is called if you shake a baby? (audience speaking indistinctly) Shaken– yes. Shaken… Baby… Syndrome. That’s the name of the disease. It might as well be called, “Dad Lost It.” (laughter) The disease includes what happened. It’s like a shame disease. It’s like a scarlet letter name for a disease. It’s made to dissuade you from doing it. ‘Cause you can’t be casual. You can be casual about other diseases. You can be like, “Yeah, I gotta go home. “My baby’s got a little bit of jaundice. It’s not a big deal, she’s just working through some jaundice.” You can’t be– you can’t be like you, “We got to go home…” (laughter) “My baby’s got… Shaken Baby Syndrome.” (laughter) “Yeah, I don’t know what happened.” (laughter) “It’s going around, it’s going around. She caught it. It’s in the air, it’s in the air.” Everyone knows some shit went down. You can’t– there’s no excuse. You can’t be like, “Yeah, we went off-roading. “Umm… “I told her to buckle up, but she’s a little Guy Fieri. She doesn’t give a fuck.” -(laughter) “She got tossed and tousled, she’s fucked up now. -I have no idea.” -(laughter) Can’t be like, “I put her on my cell phone, it was on vibrate, got a few calls, she’s different now.” (laughter) I haven’t– I’ve never shaken the baby. You don’t shake the baby. You want to. (laughter) I wish someone told me. I’m like, “Am I a monster?” “No, it’s everybody.” (laughter) I love having a baby, Baby Lilo. I love her. She’s amazing. And it’s not that hard. Getting a dog— I never had a dog my whole life. Getting a dog, honestly, was more confusing than getting a baby– “getting a baby.” “We got a baby.” (laughter) Honestly, getting a dog was different, cause a fucking dog– it’s not even your species. It’s just a wild animal you were like, “You wanna– you wanna be in here?” (laughter) “Hey, you, eating the pigeon bones… You wanna be in here?” (laughter) Like your baby– when your baby cries, it’s a human. I have a human baby. When it cries, you have a guess. You’re like, “It’s probably hungry. It’s hot, or it’s cold, has gas.” These are the problems that I have. (laughter) So you’re like, “I got it.” I have no idea what my dog wants. My best guess? Never-ending eye contact? (laughter) I’m trying to watch “Great British Bake Off,” he’s just down there, just like, “Hey, Dad.” (laughter) “Over here.” “What the fuck do you want?” I don’t know what he wants. I was raised with cats, and you can kind of tell. (laughter) You can kind of tell I was raised with cats. That’s the worst heckle you can give me, is laughing at that. (laughter) You can tell I was raised with cats because the command I most often give my dog is, “Go live your life.” (laughter) I don’t know what he wants. They’re– they’re needy, I just didn’t know how needy a dog is. I’ve been out of the house for two days. If my dog had a cell phone, I’d have 4,022 missed calls. 4,022 texts… of the bone emoji and the walk emoji. (laughter) He’d be face-timing me right now just like, “Look in these baby-browns, Dad. Look in these goddamn baby-browns.” You look for your cat, you hide from your dog. Does that make sense? (laughter) You don’t know where your fucking cat is. Like, people say cats are evil, and they are… But they’re also all set. You know what I mean? They’re fine. They’re off learning to fucking meditate or some shit. They’re rolling their own cigarettes. (laughter) When I left the house, with my dog I had to, like, toss a tuna steak and do a barrel-roll out the window, just so he wouldn’t be like, “Is this forever?” (laughter) But if you have a cat and you see your cat, you’re excited, you’re like– it’s like a B-list celebrity sighting. (laughter) It’s like seeing John Stamos napping in a sunbeam in your kitchen. (laughter) Like, “Oh, my God! We have a cat?” Scoop it up, “I knew I wasn’t crazy!” You take pictures with the cat, selfies with the cat, prove you have a cat. Put the cat down, he’s like, “Don’t tag me. Don’t tag me.” (laughter) I’m being real with you, I don’t know how smart animals are. I know there are different levels, right? There are different levels of smartness? Like my neighbor, he has two dogs. He was telling me that he has a big dog and he has a little dog, and when he goes out of town, he has to tape newspaper to the reflective glass of his fireplace. Otherwise– listen to this, the little dog will see his reflection and think there’s a second little dog stuck in the place that he’s only ever seen burst into flames. (laughter) So he’s just like, “Heyyyyy! “Hey!… Hey!… Hey! H”ey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I ain’t goin’ nowhere, brother!” (laughter) ‘Cause he’s a goddamn hero. (laughter) But when my neighbor told me that his little dog doesn’t understand reflections, all I heard was… the big dog does? (laughter) Like, I’m a human being, I don’t understand reflections. You’re telling me a slightly larger dog is like… “I get it.” (laughter) “That ain’t me. “I’m me, that looks like me. I know what I look like, but that’s a trick of the eye.” (laughter) “Life… (scoffs) It’s a mystery. “It’s a particle and a wave. “It’s both. “Some of the particles go through the glass, “that’s why we can see what’s illuminated “inside the fireplace. “But then a rather arbitrary amount bounce back and frame me in light.” (scoffing) “I love science.” (laughter and applause) “I love science. “I love it. I love science and licking my own asshole.” (enthusiastic dog gibberish) I got married this year, too. Big year, baby and married. (cheers and applause) Thank you. Sweet Lady Val. I’m glad you guys are pro-baby. I’m glad you’re pro-marriage. A lot of my friends in L.A., anti-marriage. Showbiz town, nobody gets married. I’ve noticed that the same group, though, that is anti-marriage, they’re all pro-tattoo. (laughter) It’s the same group. They come up to me and they’re just like, “I don’t know, man. “I don’t know how you can make a commitment of that magnitude.” (laughter) I’m like, “You have the word ‘sublime’ on your neck.” (laughter) “Every job interview you go on, “they’re gonna be looking at that old-English ‘sublime,’ and they’re gonna be thinking,” ♪ Uhh, caress me down ♪ “Like that?” (laughter) That’s a commitment. My wife is amazing. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s my best friend, she’s got big ol’ titties. So, yeah… (laughter and cheers) Now, she loves this joke. Don’t worry, she loves this joke. (laughter) She got– you got big ol’ titties, and I wanna talk about it. (laughter) I’m tired of not talking about it. My wife has big boobs. You know why? ‘Cause I don’t give up on my goddamn childhood dreams. (cheers and applause) I’m not a quitter. Eight-year-old me… Eight-year-old me fucking loves me. When I was eight, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big boobs and a race car bed, and I am halfway there. (laughter) Big boobs are interesting. I feel for her, ’cause she can’t really hide ’em. She can cover ’em up, but everybody knows. They’re there. It’s like throwing a tarp over a porch of a house. (laughter) No one looks at the house like, “Look at that house that doesn’t have a porch.” (laughter) You can still see the shape and the size. You’re like, “That house has some big-ass porches.” Like, you know. I feel bad, like, you can hide a big ol’ dick. (laughter) No one has to know. You can send it down one leg. You can curl it up like a Cinnabon. (laughter) It’s a reveal. On the big night, it’s a reveal. You’re like, “Yeaaahhhhhh!” (laughter) “That’s why I’m so confident!” -Like… -(laughter) With big boobs, everyone can tell. Everyone can tell, which can be awkward sometimes. Like, she had to meet my parents. What do you do? (laughter) You just have to own it. You’re just like, “Mom, Dad, as you can see…” (laughter) “This is what your son is into.” (laughter) (blubbering) (laughter) “Mom, you remember.” (laughing) It’s weird whenever you meet somebody’s significant other. It’s a little too much info. You know what I’m talking about? Especially if you don’t know them, and they’re just like, “This is Tina.” Like, I don’t wanna see that shit. (laughter) I don’t wanna see the manifestation of the recesses of your sexual subconscious. You’re just like, “Yeah, this is what makes me rock hard.” (laughter) “Fucking beat it, Dan. We’re in a Chipotle, keep that shit to yourself.” I’m like, “What did Val’s parents do to her that this is what she wants?” (laughter) Like, that she wants this ogre Lithuanian that’s like, “What’s going on, you guys?” (laughter) We got engaged– some of you might know this story. We got engaged in a hot air balloon, ’cause I’m not fucking around. She mentioned when we were dating that she always wanted to go in a hot air balloon, so I wrote it down. Then four years later, I was like, “It’s time to get married. I want to get married. Let’s go hot air balloon.” She knew. She knew what was up. It wasn’t a surprise. You know, she knew we were gonna get engaged. You can’t just roll up to a hot air balloon… (laughter) wearing your one sport coat. (laughter) Just like, “We’ve been dating for four years. Would you like to hover in a basket for no reason?” (laughter) “Would you like to be adrift airborne for no reason whatsoever?” She knew. She’s not a dummy. In fact, if she had been surprised, I might have called it off. -Like, if… -(laughter) But I didn’t think it through. The– the basket’s fucking tiny. It’s the size of, like, four pizza boxes. So when I got in, it’s already pretty much full. And then I was like, “This’ll be fine, Val. We’ll get in. It’ll be a romantic day.” What I didn’t consider is there’s another– (laughter) there’s another fucking guy. (laughter) Of course, there’s another guy to fly the balloon. And he gets in and he’s right here. I can feel the tickle of this stranger’s whiskers, just like… I can feel the heat of his breath, and he’s just– he was like a man’s man. He’s like a Ben Affleck character. He’s wearing like a Carhartt jacket with scuffs on and he’s watching you. He’s just like, (chewing gum sound) (hot air balloon torch sound) (laughter) He was kind of ruining the day. He kept calling everything gay. (audience exclaims) I know! Biggest day of my life, he’s up there just like, “That’s Janet Jackson’s ranch down there… fucking gay.” (balloon torch sound) (balloon torch sound) “I used to work at that deli. They fired me. Huh, fucking gay.” (balloon torch noise) I was like, “Sir, You pilot a balloon.” (laughter and applause) “You pilot a rainbow-colored balloon, “soaring majestic over the Wine Country of Santa Barbara. Maybe cool it on the ‘gays.'” (laughter) But it was enough. It was enough to shake me. He’s right here. I was planning to be very flowery, I was gonna be like, “Val, ever since “I first saw you, I knew… You are like the sun, and the moon, and the sky.” But I got this fucking– (laughter) “You gonna do it?” (laughter) So I got nervous– this is a hundred percent real. I took the ring out. Val acted surprised, “Oooo!” Nice girl. But I froze up. I just went, “Val…” (laughter) “I would be honored to call you my wife.” (laughter) That’s all I said. -(laughter) -I blew it! I didn’t propose. You’re supposed to propose. You’re supposed to say, “Will you marry me?” I just went, “It would be great.” (laughter) “Let’s get the law involved.” (laughter and applause) I didn’t give her anything to respond to. It’s like we were playing tennis, but she didn’t have a racket. I was just like, “pop,” and she was like… (laughter) But she’s good. She said yes. Even though I didn’t say anything, she went, “Yeah!” I put the ring on. I’m wondering what fucking Affleck’s gonna say. I don’t want him to judge me. I don’t want him to be like, “Yeah, Man marrying a woman? That’s fucking gay!” -(balloon torch sound) -(laughter) That’s not what he said. This is a hundred percent real, this is true. It’s dead quiet in the balloon. I just proposed, she said yes. I didn’t propose, but she said yes. What’s the guy gonna say? Hundred percent real. He does two celebratory toots of the flame… (torch sounds) This is a hundred percent real, he goes, “A lot of girls up here… they say no.” (laughter) As if that wasn’t bad enough, then he adds, “One girl said yes in the basket, when we landed said no.” (laughter) “Clever girl.” (laughter) Clever girl? Don’t “Jurassic Park” my engagement story. -(indistinct) -(laughter) Did you know the movie “Three Amigos” was released in Spanish-speaking countries as ” Tres Friends?” (laughter) What else can I tell ya? I’m older. I like traffic. I’m being real with you, I don’t mind traffic. I’m not just doing material that fits my friendly face. (laughter) You can imagine being in traffic and just look at me being all like… (laughter) But I mean it, I don’t mind traffic. Is this a traffic city? (cheers and confirmations) Eh, who cares? (laughter) What’s the big deal? Just sit there. Nothing is being asked of you, just fucking remain. (laughter) Surrender… (Pete laughing) Surrender and remain. I know I’m in the minority. I always look to my left, there’s always a guy in a white BMW that’s like, “God fucking dammit!” A vein in his neck like a white chocolate Snickers bar. (screaming) (laughter) Like, where are you going? Seriously, where are you headed? You stupid bitch… Where are you going? (laughter and applause) Seriously, what is so important? You’re just like… (screams) “I’ll be happy when I’m at work!” (laughter) Be happy now. Enjoy everything. Really… that’s why I don’t use Waze. You guys know what Waze is? Waze is the app that uses crowd-sourced info to get you around traffic. I know a lot of you probably like Waze. Does anybody here hate Waze? (scattered cheers) Fuck Waze. (laughter) I only need a few of you. Fuck Waze. Listen to me. It’s not the way of the soul. (laughter) It’s all head, it’s no heart. Do you know what I mean? It just sucks you in, and you’re just like, “Traffic? Ha! We’ll see about that.” (laughter) Right, left, right, left. Left, left, left. Right, right, left. Right, left, right. “I’m a special boy!” (laughter) Just fucking give up, you stupid bitch. Give up! I don’t need– I don’t need to save five minutes careening through gated communities. (laughter) We don’t belong on those roads. Apple Orchard Lane? Get out of there! And even if you like– Even if you like it, I think we can agree there should be a medium setting. (laughter) Why am I thinking of this? I’m not an app developer. There should be a medium. There’s no medium. It’s either off or Indiana Jones. That’s all you got. It’s either radio silence, or it thinks you’re rushing a kidney to the Obama family. (laughter) But I say fuck it. I mean this. Give up. Surrender. Just get on the freeway with the rest of us. Long, slow, straight. Good. Tune out, listen to music. Why are you so afraid of being alone? Just be with yourself. Call an old friend, keep a friendship alive. Listen to a podcast. My friends all get there– I feel you pulling away. I– my… (laughter) That’s okay. My friends all use Waze, they get to the office five minutes before me. You can tell they use Waze, ’cause they’re white as a sheet. Their eyes are bugging out of their head from making those suicide lefts onto five oncoming lanes of traffic, just like, (screams) (screaming) “This is a shortcut!” (laughter) You can be five minutes early, I’ll be ten minutes late and tell everyone what I learned on “This American Life.” That’s a better way. It’s a better way. (cheers and applause) What I’m saying is enjoy everything. This is all we have. Or maybe it’s not, I don’t know. I won’t make fun of your answers, does anybody here– clap if you believe in an afterlife. (applause) Clap if you don’t believe in it, but you’re open to it. -(applause) -You don’t think there’s evidence, -but you’re open to it. -(applause) Anybody reincarnation? Reincarnation? (scattered clapping) And who thinks it’s just dead over, you just unplug the TV, boom? (applause) I think you’re all right. (laughter) I think those are all correct answers. What I think is funny about it, though, is all my friends think it’s dead over. They just think you unplug the TV, and it’s lights out. And they all say the same thing to me. They’re just like, “Pete, think about it. “Afterlife? “Makes no sense. “Makes no sense, an afterlife. “You think an afterlife makes sense? “You gotta think about that again, cause an afterlife…” (laughter) “Afterlife makes no sense.” And I’m always like, “Yeah, I agree with you. “You know what else makes no sense? Fucking this.” (laughter) “Life makes no fucking sense.” So I would argue that life sets a precedent for potentially more shit that makes no sense. Does that make sense? -(cheers and applause) -But my friends… -Why not? -(applause) But my friends are all like, “Nah, man, there’s this bullshit “that we all woke up in that’s confusing, that none of us asked for.” (laughter) “And then no more bullshit. It’s a one-time bullshit deal.” What? Nothing makes fucking sense. Life makes no sense. You’re on a planet right now. You think you’re in America? Zoom out. (laughter) You’re on a space rock floating in nothingness, infinite nothingness. And the infinite nothingness is expanding. That means endlessness is getting bigger. That makes no fucking sense. (laughter and applause) We all just act like it’s normal. Like, “Oh, we’re– everything’s made of molecules.” “Okay…” (laughter) “Got it. I’ll never think about that again.” I’m made of molecules, you’re made of molecules. The air between us, it’s all made of molecules. That makes no fucking sense. These molecules know they’re molecules? These molecules are like, “I’m Pete.” That doesn’t make any sense. (laughter) This stool is made of molecules, the same molecules in my hand. In fact, some of the molecules in this stool went into me while I’ve been talking, and some that were me have gone into this stool. And you when I knock these molecules into these molecules, when we ask science, “Why don’t they go through each other?” You know what the answer is? “We don’t know.” (laughter) That doesn’t make any fucking sense. I’m open to anything. If I died– listen to me. If I died and it was just kitty cat Thanksgiving, I’d be like, “Yeah, okay. “Makes about as much sense as the fucking conundrum “I was just stuck in. Pass the gravy.” (laughter) I’m not saying it’s for sure, I’m just saying it’s worth debating. It makes me wonder, like… I wonder, as a thought experiment, if we were somewhere before we were here, if we were just mist. Like each of you didn’t have a body, you were just mist, you were just awareness. If we were all just hanging out in some sort of primordial area, just debating the existence of life. Just like, “You believe in life?” (laughter) “Get real!” (laughter) “You think there’s hot dogs and roller skates? You’re a child!” (laughter) “Didn’t you go to college?” Don’t get me wrong, nothing is absolutely one of the choices. Absolutely, I see that for sure, and I’m not afraid of nothing. I’m not afraid of nothing. (laughter) Who fucking cares? It’s nothing. If you’re nothing, people be like, “I don’t wanna be nothing.” Who fu– you won’t be there! Just jump off the high dive into soft, dark soil and you’re like, “Bye-bye, Pete,” like, fine. (laughter) I just don’t wanna go to Hell. (laughing) There’s no Hell! (laughter and applause) Be reasonable, there’s no fucking Hell! (screaming) (laughter) Don’t wanna be wrong about that one. (laughter) If there is a Hell, I don’t think the worst part will be the torture. I think the worst part would be that we don’t get breaks to talk about the torture. (laughter) I think that’s what would make it Hell. Like if they would blow a whistle every twenty minutes, and we all just gather in a common area and drink boiling water. Just like, “What are they doing to you?” I’ll say, “Oh, yeah, I’m in a room with millions of little crabs.” (laughter) “It’s like tiny little crabs and they’re eating me real slow.” And they’re like, “Oh, yeah. With the little nibbles?” “Yeah! Yeah! The little nibbles!” (laughter) “What are they doing to you?” “Oh, I’m getting fucked by a donkey.” (laughter) “Yeah, they’re running out of ideas down here. It’s been a while, we’re falling in love.” (laughter) I think– I think that might be my heaven. Like suffering, then talking about it, suffering, then talking about it. Like what we’re doing here. You know what I’m saying? (laughter and applause) What if the last words of the bible were “You had to be there.” What if that– (laughter) Get to the end, it’s like, “It really would’ve made more sense if you saw this.” (laughter) One of my career goals is to open a Christian buffet called “God Helps Those That Help Themselves.” (laughter) Oh, let’s do this. This is something I want to do. On the count of three… Don’t say anything, don’t say anything. But just check if you have to pee. All of us are gonna do it. At the same time, we’re all gonna check. Don’t say anything. 3… 2… 1… Check if you have to pee. (laughter) What was that? (laughter) I’m serious, what did you just do? Let’s just do it again, especially if you didn’t do it the first time, 3-2-1… Check if you have to pee. What? (laughter) Like, what action did you just command? You’re like, “Okay, go down. Uh, send something down.” (laughter) Like, most of the time, you’re up here. Like, who you are is behind your eyes, and you just sort of puppeteer your body. You know, you’re just kind of dangling down there like a marionette, and you’re like, “Get that Diet Coke. Send the arm.” (laughter) -“Give it to us.” -(chugging noises) (laughter) But every once in a while when you check if you have to pee, you send a little piece of you repelling down on a reconnaissance mission to your dick or your pussy, and you’re just like… (laughter) “30%. I’d say like twenty more minutes.” (laughter) Like, I’m so tired of not talking about this. Your brain is weird. Your brain has eyes. Like, you have eyes, but your brain also has eyes that sees things that only you can see. Like, picture an orange. Keep your eyes open but picture an orange. The fuck? (laughter) Like, really do it, keep ’em open, but think really hard about an orange. What the shit? Just for a second, bink! Just a giant orange. I don’t know how big yours was, mine was giant. Just a giant translucent orange that only you can see. God, I hope you’re stoned. (laughter) God, I hope you’re stoned. But why do you have to be stoned for this to be interesting? Like, your brain has ears. Seriously, it has ears. You have ears, your brain also has ears. Sing “Happy Birthday” in your head; we’ll all do it. Everybody sing “Happy Birthday” in your head right now. (laughter) How are you hearing that? I’m serious, what the fuck is going on? It’s so normal. We’re just like, “Yeah, I could hear it. No one else could hear it. I could hear it.” There’s just a part of you listening, like, “Yeah, Happy Birthday.” (laughter) What’s going on? Make it louder. Let’s sing it again, but make it as loud as you possibly can. Ready? Go. (laughter) Was it louder? Clap if you think it was louder. (applause) Clap if it wasn’t louder, the voice was just going, (shouting) “Happy Birthday…” (applause) Okay, so you can’t make it louder? So there’s just a set volume for your thoughts? How do you know your set volume is the same as my set volume? Maybe some people it’s louder, maybe that’s what crazy people are. They’re not crazy, they just have a fucked up volume. They’re walking around and they’re just like, “Buy a hammer.” “All right!” (laughter) “Kill that pigeon, it’s your dad.” “Okay!” (laughter) “With the hammer?” “Yes.” “Ohhhhh!” (laughter) I was having lunch with a friend of mine. He’s black. I tell you he’s black for a reason, because during the lunch he kept saying the N word. Said it like thirty times. He didn’t say the word, he kept saying, “the N word.” I was like, “Uh, hey… That’s our phrase.” (laughter) Oooo, some of you are sitting that one out, I can see that. There’s a pheromone that white people release when they’re not sure if they can laugh at a joke. They’re like, “I heard the words necessary to make a racist joke, “I’m gonna take a pause here. We’ll laugh in the Audi. It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine.” (laughter) I think it’s interesting, though, there’s some races– It’s 2018, there’s still some races it’s totally fine to be racist towards. I don’t mean like hate speech. I mean like casual, socially-acceptable racism, like towards Italians. Why is that okay? You all know what I’m talking about. I can be with my Italian friends, it’s totally fine for me to be like, “You guys want to, uh– you want to get a… (imitating Italian accent) Pizza pie?” (laughter) (normal voice) What the fuck? Why is that okay? (Italian accent) “Oh, linguine with clams!” (normal voice) I know a lot of you are Italian. I’m not Italian. (Italian accent) “Oh, molto bene !” (normal voice) No one’s gonna tweet about this. This is not a controversy, it’s fine. It’s in our video games. (Italian accent) “It’sa me, Mario.” (laughter) (normal voice) ‘It’sa me?’ ‘It’sa me,’ just an impression of an immigrant struggling with the language. (laughter) (Italian accent) “I’ma Luigi, I’ma gonna win-a.” (normal voice) Don’t tease him, he’s new here. (laughter) Help him find the bus, help him find work. Why is that okay? It’s like a weird blind spot. You can’t say, ‘herrow.’ (laughter) I agree, why is it fine to be like, “Oh, Giuseppe?” Like, it’s crazy… They’re gonna make a Mad Men type show about this time that we’re in now, and we’re all gonna watch and be like, “Huh… Things were different!” Like, it’s not– it’s now. Things are different now. We’re living through a weird fucking time right now. “Ohhhhhhh!” Enjoy it. Three more years. (laughter) We are living in the future. Well, now we are– now. Now. Now is the future– now. Now’s the future. Now. You know what I think is fucking crazy about living now? Elon Musk, you know, the crazy billionaire dude, invented the self-driving car. It’s crazy, this isn’t something they’re working on, they made it. They have a self-driving car now. What I think is funny about that is it doesn’t matter how fancy an invention Elon Musk makes, he’s still just one of these. Does that make sense? Like he’s still– he’s stuck in one of these meat puppets. Just like you and me, just like a baboon, he’s just a guy just going around. There’s some things you can’t upgrade… is my point. Like, he’s working on impossible math to make a self-driving car, but when he gets hungry there’s no technology. He just goes, “Oh, there’s a rumble in my jumble.” Like, he just feels– (laughter) Just like you and me, just goes, “Oh, I gotta eat!” Then he gets a plate. That’s the height of technology, a plate. Just a level surface for his food with a piece of salmon on it, and he wants that salmon in him. It’s too big, so he gets a fork and a knife. That’s the height of the technology. And he cuts it into a mouth-sized piece and he goes, “That’s about right.” It’s too hot, so he goes… (blowing noises) He can’t upgrade this. He just has to go… (blowing noises) “Mouth-wind activate.” (blowing noises) And he puts it in his mouth and he gnaws it. (gnawing sounds) He swallows it like a fucking pelican, cause that’s the best he can do. (gulping noises) You understand? He can’t upgrade this. Like when he has to shit, he doesn’t have a contact lens that goes like, “Elon, shit detected.” (laughter) He just feels it like you and me. He just goes, “Oh, that’s not gas.” (grunting as Elon Musk) “I feel shame.” (laughter) “I feel shame and I want to be alone.” (laughter) So he makes an excuse with his egghead friends. He’s like, “Oh, I have to make a phone call.” But no, he doesn’t. He has to go in a little room and squat on a bowl that’s filled with water. That’s the best we can do. That is the height of the technology. Is a bowl filled with water, and he squats like an ostrich in the Serengeti and he bears down. He goes, “Elon, push…” (grunting) Don’t you back away from me right now, this is what he fucking does. He pushes and he hears, “Plop, plop, plop.” And that’s how he knows progress is being made. (laughter) And then when he thinks he’s done, and he’s not always right… (laughter) When he thinks he’s done, he gets paper. That’s the best we have, paper. You know, from ancient Egypt. And he wipes his shitty ass and then he looks at it. (laughter and applause) Don’t you fucking pull away from me. Everyone in this room knows there’s no better method than the wipe and the look. The old wipe and look. He goes wipe, wipe, wipe, and then he goes, “Oh, I got some work ahead of me.” (laughter) He goes wipe, wipe, wipe, “Getting there.” Wipe, wipe, wipe, “Clean but I don’t trust it.” Wipe, wipe, wipe, “Good thing I didn’t stop while I was ahead.” (laughter) And then he gets to what he considers an Elon-level of clean, he washes his hands, gets in his car, and goes, (beep sound) “Home.” (laughter) (cheers and applause) Crazy. All porn happened in the past. (laughter) Like, I know there’s cams and stuff, but for the most part, it was earlier. Like we’re ahead of them. Like we’re now and they’re then. They’re like back then and we know shit they don’t know. They’re back then like, “Ohhhhhhhh! I wonder if Hillary’s gonna win.” Like, they don’t know. (laughter) “When’s the McRib coming back?” They’re in the dark. We’re the dum-dums that are home just going like, “It’s now in my mind.” Like, it’s a pretend… But I’m off porn, I really– I go off and on. It’s hard, it’s addictive. But I knew I had to go off, cause the last time I was watching– using it. I don’t know what you say. I was watching it, I was mastur– Of course I was masturbating. Be weird if I was just like, “Ah-ha!” (laughter) I was masturbating. And when– I’m sorry… (laughing) And when I was finishing, I didn’t give the order to say anything, but I involuntarily, while I was cumming, I went, “Not worth it.” (laughter and applause) Cause it wasn’t! It wasn’t worth it… that dirty feeling I had to carry around with me the rest of the day. I had to go to the post office. There’s kids and old women there. I had to be like, “I’m not a monster,” like, I had to. (laughter) I have to be off porn, though, cause it’s the acting. One of the things that really ruins it for me is the acting. And I don’t even mean the acting before the sex, where they’re like, “I have a pizza for Misty.” Like not that. (laughter) I’m talking about the acting during the sex. For the most part, it’s normal, but every once in a while, you come across a man or woman that’s just overdoing it. Like I saw– the last clip I watched– this is a hundred percent accurate impression… I’ll send you the link. (laughter) This woman was going nuts. It’s a regular sex scene, just normal stuff, and she was going… (laughing) Okay. (audience laughs and applauds) She’s going… (gibberish sex noises) (laughter) (unintelligible sex moans) “Fuck that pussy!” I’m not even exaggerating, “Fuck that pussy!” Like, in the scene before, she was normal. She was like, “Hello,” and then when the sex– (animalistic shouting) Like, what are you doing? Have you had sex before? This isn’t an exorcism. People are trying to masturbate. (over-enthusiastic sex noises) “There was no script, we let you improvise, and this is what you come in with?” (laughter) Did she rehearse that? Like in her trailer in front of the mirror before? Just like, “I’ll be right out!” (laughter) “Wooooo.” (laughter) (Italian accent) ” Molto bene ! No.” (laughter and applause) (normal voice) “Seems racist.” (laughter) (guttural sex sound) (laughter) “Fuck that pussy– “Nope, no… not quite right. “Fuck that… “Pusssssyyyyyyyyy! I’m ready!” Portland… -(cheers and applause) Thank you so, so, so much. Best crowd I’ve had in a long time. I mean that. Thank you. Thank you. I see it. Thank you guys! Keep it crispy. Be good. Good night! |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ali-wong-hard-knock-wife-transcript/ | Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife (2018) | Transcript | ali wong | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Ali Wong! ♪ What y’all thought Y’all wasn’t gon’ see me? ♪
♪ I’m the Osirus of this shit♪
♪ Wu-Tang is here forever, motherfuckers♪
♪ It’s like this ninety-seven ♪
♪ Aight my n i g g a s and my n i g g arettes♪
♪ Let’s do it like this♪
♪ I’ma rub your ass in the moonshine♪
♪ Let’s take it back to seventy-nine♪
♪ I bomb atomically♪
♪ Socrates’ philosophies and hypotheses♪
♪ Can’t define How I be droppin’ these mockeries♪
♪ Lyrically perform armed robbery ♪
♪ Flee with the lottery Possibly they spotted me♪
♪ Battle-scarred shogun♪
♪ Explosion when my pen hits ♪ Oh, my goodness! I heard a rumor that all of the Asians in this city… Have congregated in this theater tonight. Yeah. Thank you for coming with your white boyfriends. I really… Appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart. I’m so excited to be here. I have not been performing that much at all, in the past two years, because two years ago, I gave birth to a baby girl. And when I first started to come back out to do stand-up, the other stand-up comics, they couldn’t believe it. They were like, “Oh, my God, Ali… “What are you doing here? “Didn’t you just have a baby?” I was like, “Listen… I’ve been with my baby girl since she was born, all day every day. And I love her so much. But I’m on the verge of putting her in the garbage. I need to be here to miss her, so that I don’t go to jail.” It’s so sexist when people ask me, “Well, if you’re here, then who’s taking care of the baby?” Who the fuck do you think is taking care of the baby? The TV is taking care of the baby, okay? The windows are open, she’s got gummy vitamins on her lap, she’s fine! I tried being a stay-at-home mom, for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect, that shit is relentless. I was stupid and naive, and I thought that being a stay-at-home mom was about chillaxing, getting to shit in your own home, Watch Wendy Williams and go out to brunch with your sassy girlfriends. I did not understand that the whole price you have to pay for staying at home is that you’ve gotta be a mom. Oh, and that’s a job. It’s a wack-ass job. You get no 401K, no co-workers. You’re just in solitary confinement all day long with this human Tamagotchi… That don’t got no reset button, so the stakes are extremely high. A toy Tamagotchi is more communicative than a human baby. Okay? Because the toy will at least tell you when it poos. With a human baby, you just have to guess and check your intuition by sniffing its ass… Twenty-six times a day. And you can’t phone it in and sniff it from afar. You really gotta flip the baby over, plant your face in the baby’s ass and give it a good yoga inhale with your mouth and everything, because the inside of your nose has been singed from all the poo-poo smelling. That’s how I know I love my baby more than anybody else in the entire world. I told my husband “Till death do us part.” And not once have I ever… sniffed his ass… To check if he shit his pants. I’ve licked it, but I haven’t sniffed it. Because sniffing it would be disgusting! Okay? And if you haven’t licked ass yet, grow up. Grow the fuck up. And learn how to be in a long-term, committed, lasting-relationship full of love where you have to make sacrifices for the greater good. My dream, my goal for the longest time was to be a trophy wife, but then I found out that in order to be a trophy wife, you have to be a trophy. I am more of a commemorative plaque. I joined a moms’ group in Los Angeles. Yeah, I don’t find any of these bitches particularly interesting or fun, but when you’re a new mom on maternity leave, it’s like The Walking Dead, you just gotta hook up with a crew to survive. I used to hate on other moms for the clothes that they wore. You know these fucking clothes that moms wear, all that cheesy-ass animal print and… loud metallic shiny shoes. And now I see something that’s bedazzled in rhinestones, and I’m like, “Oh… That looks nice. I think I’ma get that!” The more glitter the better, because when you’re a mom you need sparkle. To compensate for the light inside of you that has died. A lot of young women have anxiety about giving birth. Well, let me tell you something. Giving birth ain’t nothing compared to breastfeeding! Breastfeeding is brutal. It is chronic physical torture. I thought it was supposed to be this beautiful bonding ceremony, where I would feel like I was sitting on a lily pad in a meadow and bunnies would gather at my feet while the fat Hawaiian man version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” would play. No! It’s not like that at all! Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now! It don’t belong to you no more. When my baby girl would get hungry, she’d yank my nipple back and forth like that bear fucking up Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant. It’s frightening. I saw that movie, and my nipples were like, “I feel you, Leo!”
I didn’t take any classes on breastfeeding, because I assumed it was just gonna be this very easy intuitive thing where the baby sucks on your nipple like a straw, and the nurse promised me that I would have a particularly easy time, since my nipples look like fingers. You can spin DVDs on them, that’s how Command hook-like they are. But apparently, you have to get the baby to latch on at a very specific angle. You gotta tilt their head and do geometry to get them on properly. And it’s very stressful, because when they’re hungry and they’re crying, it makes your hormones spray milk all over their face and their neck, which then become very slippery and hard to grip, and then you gotta slam them on at just the right time. And every time I would do it, it was like parallel parking. I don’t know how I did it! It’s a mystery. I was never properly trained, but I just did it. I just went back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, until all these very concerned strangers start gathering outside of my car. Those people who gather outside of Asian women’s cars while we’re parking… Are so helpful and so racist at the same time. I’m always like, “Thank you. Thank you, but fuck you… For assuming correctly about me! I could not have done this without you!”
My mom saw me struggle with breastfeeding and she was very discouraging about it, and she was like, “Why are you breastfeeding? I raised you on formula and look how shiny your hair is.” She was like, “Are you falling for that bullshit slogan, ‘breast is best’?” I was like, “No… I do it because breast is free. Come on, Mom, you know what it is. Local, organic, free-range, farm-to-mouth milk squirting outta my titties.” It was squirting out of like 15 holes in each titty, like the Bellagio fountain, just, “Woo. Woo, woo, woo. Woo, woo, woo.” For free! My body was a food factory. I wasn’t about to let that all go to waste. If you shat juicy hamburgers… Would you ever wait in line at In-N-Out again? No, you would pop a squat over your husband’s head every morning. And tell him to open wide… Because breakfast is on the way… Animal style. Yeah, you’d be like, “I got your secret menu right here.” ♪ Work, work, work, work, work ♪ I had to stop breastfeeding after eight and a half months. I could not take it anymore. By the end, I felt like The Giving Tree. I used to not-understand what that depressing-ass book was about. And now I know it’s about breastfeeding! It’s about a mom who used to have all of these beautiful branches and apples, and then this little freeloader comes into her life, takes all of her shit, and then she just becomes a sad-ass tree stump with deflated titties! People kept on asking me, “Ali, how did you get so skinny after the baby?” She sucked the life outta me! As it turns out, breastfeeding is not free because you have to buy all of these pillows and pumps to support your breastfeeding, and then you might get a clogged duct. That’s when you get like a traffic jam kidney stone in your titty, and then you have to call a lactation consultant. A lactation consultant is a white NPR listener with dreadlocks, Named Indigo, That you have to pay $200 to rush over to your house and Roto-Rooter your titty. Indigo had me do push-ups, dipping my titty in and out of a bowl of scalding hot water, and then beat my titty like this in the interim. This is why women need maternity leave. In every other First World country… Canada, France, Germany… Women get up to three years off paid maternity leave when they have a new baby. In the US, we get jack shit. In the US, there is zero federal policy for maternity leave. Maternity leave is not just to bond with the baby. Fuck the baby! Maternity leave is for new moms to hide and heal their demolished-ass bodies! I couldn’t go back to work topless beating my wet titty, trying to establish dominance over all my coworkers. You’d get fired! People don’t tell you about all the crazy shit that goes down when you get pregnant, when you give birth. When I was pregnant, a lot of other moms had highly recommended to me, “Ali, now you make sure at the hospital to steal a bunch of the free diapers.” “Yeah, duh, I know for the baby.” “No. For you…” “For me? What the fuck do I need diapers for?” “Oh, you’ll see…” Winter is coming.”
And indeed I did see! Nobody told me about all the crazy shit that comes out of your pussy after you give birth. You know what happens after the baby comes out? You know what else exits? Her house. Her living room, her pillows… the Bob Marley poster… All the food that went bad in her refrigerator… for months! So then you have to wear this cartoonishly large pad. That’s like the size of a toddler mattress, and it’s only held up by the strength of this mesh fishnet underwear that’s exclusively available at the hospital. You can’t get that shit on Amazon or anything, so you gotta snatch that shit every day. It’s made out of the same material that they package fancy Korean pears in. It’s very Dac Biet, okay? Number one extra large Dac Biet hospital underwear. For three months, I was walking around my house with a top knot, giant diaper, nipples bleeding. Like a defeated sumo wrestler. I had a C-section. Yeah. Which was not the original intention, but I was having contractions for 24 hours. Yeah. And then I was like, “Cut it out.” The nurse was like, “Keep going.” I was like, “Bitch, I said cut it out. ♪ Your price is way too high You need to cut it ♪ ♪ Cut it, cut it, you need to cut it♪ The nurse was not a big hip hop fan, so… She did not appreciate that or my Dave Coulier reference. Look, a C-section is no joke, okay? It is major surgery. But it’s very fast. They put the anesthesia in your back, and then they put up this curtain so that your husband can only see your human side and not your cadaver side. And then ten minutes later, they hold the baby above the curtain like bloody Simba and it’s over. I was like, “What the fuck did I do all that pushing for when there was this perfectly good emergency exit?” One of my best friends, God bless her, she was in labor for 72 hours. The baby’s head kept on going in and out, and in and out, and in and out. And then she still had to have an emergency C-section. Before that shit went down, my friend was the kindest, most polite, dainty lady, who would never burp in front of anybody. After that shit went down, she became the most bitter, nasty, raw-ass bitch I have ever met in my life! I went to her house to pay her a visit shortly after, she opens the door, “Look at my pussy, Ali. Look at this shit! Look at this!” No, “Hello, Ali. Welcome. Come meet my beautiful new baby.” No, just, “Come on, you look at this shit! “You look at what happened to me!” Just with the door open, in front of the entire cul-de-sac to see, “Come on!” And her pussy looked crazy! It looked cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! When I saw it, I was like… Because her pussy straight up looked like two hanging dicks side by side. In the process of giving birth to one baby girl, my friend became two dudes. You could French braid that shit. It was like a Star Wars monster. I mean, women, we’re not accustomed to seeing each other’s pussies in the first place. It’s not like men at the urinal where you’re like, “Hey, what’s up, dude? What’s going on?” holding your dicks in your hands in front of each other. We’re never just like going to the bathroom, “What’s up, girl?” holding our pussies, just casual, “I like your manicure.” I told her that she had turned into two dudes. And she started laughing. But then she started to get also extremely upset. And she was like, “Please, do not make me laugh! Do not make me laugh!” And then with one hand, she had to grab a pillow, and press it against her C-section scar. And then with the other hand, she had to… pinch the dicks together… To make sure that… the carne asada wouldn’t fall out of the taco, and become nachos on the floor.
You see, this is why women need maternity leave! Yeah, you’d better pay our ass, too. My friend couldn’t go back to work with her meat curtains dragging on the floor like the train of a sad-ass wedding dress. You can’t litigate like that. Ain’t no Spanx gonna tuck that shit in. I told her all of that too, and she started laughing more. And, you know, she was like, she was pinching and she was pressing, and repressing the laughter and it got to be too much, and then all of this gas gurgled up in her system, and she let out this fat-ass queef that dried out my eyeballs. I was like… Oh! Ah! Oh! Eeee. Ah. Ah. Ah. Many benefits to a C-section, okay? Catheter, I had never had a catheter in my life. A catheter is a tube that they hook up to your pee-pee hole, and you just lie there… And then all of a sudden, this bag of piss shows up next to your bed. And then this kind Filipino lady named Joyabelle Esperanza Purificacion Santo Domingo Ordonez Balasa comes in to take it out. And you’re like, “Nurse Joyabelle, whose piss that?” And she’s like, “That’s yours.” And you’re like, “Oh my God, that’s mine?” I did not even feel it go out. The catheter, it just carries it out. And I was like, “Oh my God, in my life I could have accomplished so much more had I had a catheter attached to me this entire time.” A lot of people like to ask me, “Ali, how on Earth do you balance family and career?” Men never get asked that question… because they don’t. They just neglect the child for like 90% of the day, and that’s perfectly socially acceptable, but the standards for dads are so low that they get so much praise for doing so little. My husband occasionally changes diapers, and when people hear that, “Oh my God,” confetti everywhere! “I cannot believe that your husband changes diapers! What a doting modern father. Lucky you!” When my baby girl was first born, I would do skin-on-skin contact every day to bond with her. She shit on my chest. Where’s my confetti at? I’ll tell you how I balance family and career, real talk? I have a nanny. That’s it, that’s the answer. Yes, it’s very unlikable and unpopular to broadcast that because not everybody can afford a nanny. It’s super expensive. It’s expensive for me and my husband, so the both of us, we have to hustle, we have to work very hard to not take care of our child ourselves. I’m all about putting the oxygen mask on myself before I put it on my baby. I like that protocol. I like that philosophy very much. When the stewardess tells me to make sure to do that, I’m always like, “Yeah, I was gonna do that. I got no problem with that.” I’m so jealous of Mexican people. Mexican culture. They don’t need no nannies, ’cause you know who takes care of the baby? The other baby! Hermana, Tía, Abuela, Sobrina, Prima, Second Prima, Bounce House… The baby is just born into childcare. I want to be Mexican in my next life. Don’t nobody have more fun than Mexicans. I used to live at Crenshaw and Pico, yes, if you don’t know, Crenshaw and Pico is this magical corner in the hood of Los Angeles where Guadalajara meets Korea… And the Mexicans and the Koreans are in constant racial warfare, and their weapons are loud music versus frowning. Mexicans know how to prioritize family and fun. They take their kids to Disneyland all the time. And now to accommodate, there is all of this Spanish at Disneyland. Every ride begins with, “Ladies and gentlemen, for your safety please keep your arms and hands inside the vehicle at all times. Damas y caballeros, por favor mantengan las manos y los Brazos dentro Del coche, and please do not smoke… Because it is gross and dangerous, okay? And employees must wash hands before returning to work. Okay, be careful. Be very careful. Cos tongue taco, son of a bitch, apple! ♪ Late at night When all the world is sleeping ♪ Yes, that’s how Mexican Disneyland has gotten, they play Selena on Pirates of the Caribbean. The Haunted Mansion is now called Dia de los Muertos! And what was formerly known as Splash Mountain is now Esplash Mountain. Our nanny is 62 years old. Yes, I would never accept anything younger than 62 years old. If you are hiring a 25-year-old pretty young thing to be your nanny, you a dumb-ass. Do you not read People magazine? You don’t know what’s up? That’s inviting a marriage grenade into your home. When you have a newborn baby, your marriage is very weak because you’re both stressed out, you look like shit ’cause you don’t shower no more, you’re resentful of each other, whose idea was it to bring this new roommate into the world? Your marriage is very vulnerable and easy for an outsider to invade and colonize. If we had hired a 25-year-old man, who was… not ugly… Great with my daughter and said yes immediately to every chore I asked him to do with a positive attitude, Oh, you best believe that I would eat the shit out of his butthole. Every day. Every day would be an all-day nanny butthole buffet. I don’t care if his 25 year old butt cheeks got all nervous and clenched up and closed on my face like elevator doors, I would get in there and… Like Jack Nicholson in The Shining! A lot of people also often ask me, “Ali, what on Earth do your parents think about your stand-up comedy?” Now that’s a very racilly-charged question, right? Like, what they’re really asking is, “What do your oppressive Asian parents who beat you with the SAT book until your fingers bled from playing the cello think about your butthole-licking jokes?” My older sister is an unemployed lesbian who lives on my mother’s property. So I can do whatever I want. Yeah. Whatever I want! I could take a shit on this stage right now, and my mom would be like, “You bring so much honor to our family. I am so proud of you, my golden child.” And then a lot of people also seem to wonder, “Ali, now that you have a daughter, are you gonna tone it down?” Here’s the thing, just because you became a parent, doesn’t mean you grew up. Yeah. Broey dudes become broey dads. I’m the same piece of shit that I always was before I became a mom, now just with more responsibility, and I’m barely rising to the occasion. And I’m not ashamed, I’m not going to hide that I was very sexually active in my twenties. You know why? Because everybody knows the secret now that when a woman sleeps with a man right away, it’s not because we don’t respect ourselves, it’s because we don’t respect you. We don’t see you as marriage material. That’s why we let your dick inside so fast. By letting you in, we’re really kicking you out of our future. “Bye, Felicia, be on your merry little way.” We’re just trying to have fun, we’re not trying to trap your ass.
But… But you better be careful because when a man… When a man doesn’t sleep with you right away, oh… oh, it’s not because he respects you, it’s because he has a small dick. And he’s trying to trap you. Do not fall for that trap. I’m gonna repeat that shit to my daughter over and over and over again. Do not fall for that trap. I fell for that shit once, fell in love and into a semi long-term relationship with a man who kept on wanting to wait to have sex, and I assumed it was because he thought I was so special, and amazing, and worth waiting for… He was hiding something! Months later he finally agrees to get busy and unveils this tiny mess of a thing that wouldn’t even reach your molars. It was a black dude. Creepy, right? Like seeing a homeless Asian person, “What happened to you?” “Oh my God, who are your parents? Truly!” It was a black dude, and I told all my black friends about it, and they were like, “Where the fuck is he at? We need to assassinate him right now before he further threatens to tarnish our sacred reputation!” It was the first and last time I had ever seen an actual micropenis. And my honest first reaction when I saw it was… “Oh, my God, are you okay? What happened, did you just get hit by a bus? Did a car outside just like sideswipe your dick off, and now is your dick rolling around on the street like a severed snake head? And should we get a mason jar and just scoop it up, and bring you both to the hospital to have you sewed back together? Wait a minute. Wait a minute… Is this some sort of Princess and the Frog test? Did a witch curse you a long time ago as punishment for calling her ugly? And now if I put that in my mouth to prove that I love you, as a reward for my love, will it expand? Like one of those magic towels you pour water on?” My life has changed dramatically in the past year, because a year ago, nobody knew who the fuck I was. And when I was warming up to tape my very first stand-up comedy special I did four shows in my hometown, San Francisco. And I was so excited, I was super pumped. And then I couldn’t sell out all the tickets, so they had to put half of them up on Groupon. I know a lot of you are having a Chinese heart attack right now. “Oh my God… You mean to tell me I could’ve seen this bitch a year ago for $10?” Look, I love Groupon, okay? But it was so depressing and demoralizing to see my face and my picture next to… whale watching tours, Teeth whitening services, and discontinued dildos on clearance. I was like, “This is sad.” And then fast forward to last year, my Netflix special Baby Cobra premiered Mother’s Day weekend. And it was crazy, nothing like that had ever happened to me before. All of a sudden scalpers were charging up to $1,000 a ticket to see me headline live. Over 300 people dressed up as me while I was pregnant in that striped dress for Halloween. And I was so happy. Until I realized that I have no interest in being famous. I don’t. All I ever wanted was more money for less effort. I just wanna collect checks in my pajamas. Play a piece of tofu in a Pixar movie or something. Yeah, come on, you see it, the tofu’s got glasses, a lot of attitude, sings some song about the joy of soy with Justin Timberlake. My arch nemesis can be a piece of beef played by Idris Elba, Named Stringer Beef or something. I’m not even that famous and already I hate it. I hate it so much. It’s a burden! Occasionally now, I will be eating at a fancy restaurant and will get recognized by both the wait staff and the chef and think to myself, “Oh, great. Now I have to tip more.”
And I do have more money now, and now I make a lot more money than my husband by like a long shot. Well, my mom is very concerned that he’s going to leave me out of intimidation. I had to explain to her that the only kind of man that would leave a woman who makes more money, is the kind of man that doesn’t like free money. “Oh, but Ali, he doesn’t feel small?” He’s too busy living large on my new salary! “Oh. Oh… Oh, but Ali, doesn’t he feel like you took something away from him?” Oh, do you mean like the pressure to provide? Which I have lifted from his shoulders. He’s chilling. He walks into work now every day two hours late like this, “Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you! Fire me, I don’t give a shit. My wife’s rich, bitch. Yeah! Yeah, this job is just an eccentric hobby for me now.” It was not supposed to go down like this. Okay? I was supposed to be him. I’m supposed to be the one chilling. He graduated from Harvard Business School. I have a BA from UCLA in Ethnic Studies. Ethnic studies is a major where you study how to blame everything on white people, it’s not supposed to yield income. Nobody, no one could have predicted this outcome. So much so, that before we got married, his family made me sign a prenup. It’s true, and now if we get divorced, their son is fucked. No more sashimi on a Tuesday! No more fancy Japanese toilet bidet where water comes out and Hello Kitty sings the song until your butthole’s fresh and clean. Go back to drinking flat water, bitch! It is said that if you earn more in the relationship, then you are the breadwinner. I think my husband’s the real breadwinner, because he won a bread machine. Being a woman and the breadwinner is not all that, okay? Because you get insecure, you do, about having too much power, so then you overcompensate in the marriage by letting the husband have a say and… And then on top of that, you know, I get very insecure as being seen as like an ice cold, workaholic mom, so then I’m the main caregiver of our daughter, too. And I’m exhausted! I’m overwhelmed!
So now when my husband and I role play, I request that he call me “a simple ho”. Because that is my greatest fantasy, to be an illiterate farm girl, With no responsibility or decision-making power. We’ll get really into it, too. He’ll be like, “You! You are nothing but a simple ho!” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m a real dummy. I don’t know the alphabet, I don’t know how to count, I don’t know the difference between shapes and colors. I can’t be trusted to deposit checks or do anything important, for I am just a simple ho.” Despite having more money, I keep it real, okay? I am still a Chinese-Vietnamese person, okay? Yeah. I literally watch my Netflix special on my sister-in-law’s login. To this day, I do not have my own account. After I filmed Baby Cobra, Netflix sent me a Netflix baby onesie and a basket. You know those baskets that white people like to give with the biscotti, and the cheese, and the caramel popcorn, and all the other shit that Asian people have no interest in whatsoever. I was like, “Give me an account! I don’t need this shit that I’m allergic to, give me an account!” I still buy all my shit on Craigslist, nothing in my house is new. But now, I have to go in a disguise because last week I forgot my sunglasses and my hat and I was haggling with this dude over a bike helmet. He was like, “Twenty.” I was like, “Ten.” He was like, “Okay, 17.” I was like, “Uh-uh, I see a scratch on there. Ten.” And finally he says to me, “Um, you know, I could swear, I… Aren’t you Ali Wong? Why are you haggling with me over this bike helmet? I’m a college student who, as you can see, lives in a studio apartment with roommates.” I was like… “Shame on you. We don’t all look alike! Give me that helmet. Me no speak-a the English! My name is not Ali Wong, my name is Grace Lee! I dare you to Google Image Grace Lee. Your computer will burst into flames!” I make fun of my husband a lot, but the reality is that he is my best friend. Yes, I’m very serious. I’m very lucky to have gotten to marry my best friend, and our whole dynamic confuses my mother because it’s the inverse of what she had with my father. She was like, “Your father was not my best friend. I cannot believe how comfortable you guys are around each other. Do you fart in front of your husband?” I fart in my husband. ‘Cause we are best friends. I hope that he and I always stay together, truly, you know? ‘Cause a lot of times when comedians get successful, they inevitably get divorced from their first spouse, and then at the age of, like, 50 or 60, they like to trade up for a new one that’s, like, a third of their age. As a woman, that has zero appeal to me.
You think I wanna fuck an 18-year-old boy when I’m on the precipice of menopause? Have some nervous teenager do three pumps and then bust a nut in my old-ass pussy? No, thank you. No gracias. I don’t wanna fuck an 18-year-old boy, not now, not ever again, because they’re 18, they’re terrible in bed. Do you remember when we were all teenagers? It was horrible for teenage girls because oral sex was all one-way. As a teenage girl, you never ever got your pussy eaten, but you sucked so many dicks. You’d suck a dick under a bridge, in the bathroom, in the forest. But as a teenage girl, you never just casually got your pussy eaten behind the bleachers, “Come on, Gary. Come on… Come on, Gary. Come on. Just lie down on your back, Gary. Come on, like you’re gonna change oil. Come on, Gary!” “Did you see that wicked serve I made in that tennis match? Come on, Elliot, come on. Congratulations to me! Come on, Elliot. Come on, Elliot. Come on.” “There are no more children in this playground. Come on, Spencer. Come on! It’s dark, Spencer, come on!” You had to, like, wait until your 20s to get your pussy eaten, and even then it was not very good because it’s very personal. Do you know how long it took me to train my husband to eat my pussy correctly? I’m not going back out into the world, find somebody new to coach all over again. It’s too much work. All of that knowledge that my husband has now, all that time I invested, all of that muscle memory lives and dies with him. You can’t store that in some sort of I-pussy cloud and then just download it to a new husband 2.0. He is bespoke to me. Irreplaceable! Yes. Look, many patient nights I wanted to fake it, okay? But I knew that it was so fundamental for the long-term that he get it right, and that lying to him would just be cheating myself. And so, I would shove his head down there and keep it down there until his face got prunie. Many nights, he’d enter 7:00 p.m. looking like a 30-year-old man, exit hours later looking like Tommy Lee Jones. You know how hard it is for a young Asian man to suddenly transform into Tommy Lee Jones? I think a big part of being good at eating pussy is that you just got to be into it, okay? Do it with gusto, with enthusiasm. It’s a privilege, so act like you know, okay? Yes! Yeah, don’t hesitate. Don’t… Like you’re some toddler being forced to eat broccoli. Get in there! And hold your own goddamn head up, too, don’t use my thigh as a tripod and just… Fall into a food coma before you finish your meal. Lately, I have been ruminating a lot over this one time I hooked up with this dude, and in the middle of kissing, I felt the responsibility to stop and say, “Hey, I should really let you know now before we go any further that… I’m on my period.” And he was like, “Oh… Well… Then let’s make a fucking mess, Ali!” To this day, that is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. I think about it when I feel down and ugly and no good. All I have to do is remember that there was once a man out there who was willing to yank out my tampon and replace it with his dick! It made me feel beautiful. Beautiful! (cheers and applause). There is nothing more empowering and truly feminist than what that man said that day. That is straight up hashtag… I’m with her. You know, I think I used to be a much different comic before I had the baby. I used to do a lot more jokes about sucking dick and my pussy, but now… not as many jokes about… Sucking dick and my pussy because… I don’t suck dick no more. When you give birth to a baby, they hand you a diploma that says, “Congratulations, you’ve earned the right to not suck dick out of obligation anymore.” If my husband were to demand that I suck his dick, I would laugh in his face. And then I would go to sleep, and guess what? In the morning, he’s still there, ain’t no consequence. We’re handcuffed together by a baby and a mortgage. Checkmate, bitch. It’s over. You ain’t got nowhere to run. I don’t gotta suck your dick anymore, you owe me money. And I don’t do as many jokes about my pussy anymore because my pussy… is gone. It’s gone. Physically it’s quite intact because I had the C-section, but emotionally and spiritually… Ghost in the Shell. Ghost in the Shell, it’s an Asian character being played by Scarlett Johansson! Yeah. My husband and I, we don’t fuck no more. We just jack off side-by-side while we fantasize about Puerto Rican people. I don’t have the energy to climb on top of him, clean up after sex, put that towel on the bed to absorb that post-sex wet spot. You know, that perfectly round-ass wet spot on the bed that gets all cold in the winter time. It’s like an ice fishing hole. Because it smells like penguins. And is narrated by Morgan Freeman. All right, I’ve been Ali Wong. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you! ♪ Graphic displays melt the steel Like blacksmiths♪
♪ Black Wu jackets Queen Beez ease the guns in♪
♪ Rumblin’ patrolmen Tear gas laced the function♪
♪ Heads by the score take flight Incite a war ♪
♪ Chicks hit the floor Die hard fans demand more♪
♪ Behold the bold soldier Control the globe slowly♪
♪ Proceeds to blow Swingin’ swords like Shinobi♪
♪ Stomp grounds I pound footprints in solid rock♪
♪ Wu got it locked Performin’ live on your hottest block♪
♪ As the world turns I spread like germs ♪
♪ Bless the globe with the pestilence♪
♪ The hard-headed never learn♪
♪ It’s my testament to those burned♪
♪ Play my position in the game of life Standing firm♪
♪ On foreign land, jump the gun Out the frying pan into the fire♪
♪ Transform into the Ghostrider Or Six Pack ♪
♪ In A Streetcar Named Desire Who got my back?♪
♪ In the line of fire holding back What? ♪
♪ My peoples if you with me Where the fuck you at?♪
♪ N i g g a s is strapped And they trying to twist my beer cap♪
♪ It’s court adjourned For the bad seed from bad sperm♪
♪ Herb got my wig fried like a bad perm♪
♪ What the blood clot We smoke pot♪
♪ And blow spots You want to think twice, I think not ♪
♪ The Iron Lung ain’t got to tell you Where it’s coming from♪
♪ Guns of Navarone Tearing up your battle zone ♪
♪ Rip through your slums ♪
♪ I twist darts from the heart Tried and true ♪
♪ Loot my voice on the LP My team is on to slang rocks♪
♪ Certified chatterbox Vocabulary ‘Donna talking ♪
♪ Tell your story walking♪
♪ Take cover kid, what? Run for your brother, kid♪
♪ Run for your team And your six camp rhyme groupies♪
♪ So I can squeeze with the advantage And get wasted♪
♪ My deadly notes reigns supreme♪
♪ Your fort is basic compared to mine♪
♪ Domino effect, arts and crafts♪
♪ Paragraphs contain cyanide♪
♪ Take a free ride on my thought♪
♪ I got the fashion catalog For all y’all ♪
♪ To all praise to the Gods ♪
♪ The saga continues♪
♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang♪ | Oh, my goodness! I heard a rumor that all of the Asians in this city… Have congregated in this theater tonight. Yeah. Thank you for coming with your white boyfriends. I really… Appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart. I’m so excited to be here. I have not been performing that much at all, in the past two years, because two years ago, I gave birth to a baby girl. And when I first started to come back out to do stand-up, the other stand-up comics, they couldn’t believe it. They were like, “Oh, my God, Ali… “What are you doing here? “Didn’t you just have a baby?” I was like, “Listen… I’ve been with my baby girl since she was born, all day every day. And I love her so much. But I’m on the verge of putting her in the garbage. I need to be here to miss her, so that I don’t go to jail.” It’s so sexist when people ask me, “Well, if you’re here, then who’s taking care of the baby?” Who the fuck do you think is taking care of the baby? The TV is taking care of the baby, okay? The windows are open, she’s got gummy vitamins on her lap, she’s fine! I tried being a stay-at-home mom, for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect, that shit is relentless. I was stupid and naive, and I thought that being a stay-at-home mom was about chillaxing, getting to shit in your own home, Watch Wendy Williams and go out to brunch with your sassy girlfriends. I did not understand that the whole price you have to pay for staying at home is that you’ve gotta be a mom. Oh, and that’s a job. It’s a wack-ass job. You get no 401K, no co-workers. You’re just in solitary confinement all day long with this human Tamagotchi… That don’t got no reset button, so the stakes are extremely high. A toy Tamagotchi is more communicative than a human baby. Okay? Because the toy will at least tell you when it poos. With a human baby, you just have to guess and check your intuition by sniffing its ass… Twenty-six times a day. And you can’t phone it in and sniff it from afar. You really gotta flip the baby over, plant your face in the baby’s ass and give it a good yoga inhale with your mouth and everything, because the inside of your nose has been singed from all the poo-poo smelling. That’s how I know I love my baby more than anybody else in the entire world. I told my husband “Till death do us part.” And not once have I ever… sniffed his ass… To check if he shit his pants. I’ve licked it, but I haven’t sniffed it. Because sniffing it would be disgusting! Okay? And if you haven’t licked ass yet, grow up. Grow the fuck up. And learn how to be in a long-term, committed, lasting-relationship full of love where you have to make sacrifices for the greater good. My dream, my goal for the longest time was to be a trophy wife, but then I found out that in order to be a trophy wife, you have to be a trophy. I am more of a commemorative plaque. I joined a moms’ group in Los Angeles. Yeah, I don’t find any of these bitches particularly interesting or fun, but when you’re a new mom on maternity leave, it’s like The Walking Dead, you just gotta hook up with a crew to survive. I used to hate on other moms for the clothes that they wore. You know these fucking clothes that moms wear, all that cheesy-ass animal print and… loud metallic shiny shoes. And now I see something that’s bedazzled in rhinestones, and I’m like, “Oh… That looks nice. I think I’ma get that!” The more glitter the better, because when you’re a mom you need sparkle. To compensate for the light inside of you that has died. A lot of young women have anxiety about giving birth. Well, let me tell you something. Giving birth ain’t nothing compared to breastfeeding! Breastfeeding is brutal. It is chronic physical torture. I thought it was supposed to be this beautiful bonding ceremony, where I would feel like I was sitting on a lily pad in a meadow and bunnies would gather at my feet while the fat Hawaiian man version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” would play. No! It’s not like that at all! Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now! It don’t belong to you no more. When my baby girl would get hungry, she’d yank my nipple back and forth like that bear fucking up Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant. It’s frightening. I saw that movie, and my nipples were like, “I feel you, Leo!” I didn’t take any classes on breastfeeding, because I assumed it was just gonna be this very easy intuitive thing where the baby sucks on your nipple like a straw, and the nurse promised me that I would have a particularly easy time, since my nipples look like fingers. You can spin DVDs on them, that’s how Command hook-like they are. But apparently, you have to get the baby to latch on at a very specific angle. You gotta tilt their head and do geometry to get them on properly. And it’s very stressful, because when they’re hungry and they’re crying, it makes your hormones spray milk all over their face and their neck, which then become very slippery and hard to grip, and then you gotta slam them on at just the right time. And every time I would do it, it was like parallel parking. I don’t know how I did it! It’s a mystery. I was never properly trained, but I just did it. I just went back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, until all these very concerned strangers start gathering outside of my car. Those people who gather outside of Asian women’s cars while we’re parking… Are so helpful and so racist at the same time. I’m always like, “Thank you. Thank you, but fuck you… For assuming correctly about me! I could not have done this without you!” My mom saw me struggle with breastfeeding and she was very discouraging about it, and she was like, “Why are you breastfeeding? I raised you on formula and look how shiny your hair is.” She was like, “Are you falling for that bullshit slogan, ‘breast is best’?” I was like, “No… I do it because breast is free. Come on, Mom, you know what it is. Local, organic, free-range, farm-to-mouth milk squirting outta my titties.” It was squirting out of like 15 holes in each titty, like the Bellagio fountain, just, “Woo. Woo, woo, woo. Woo, woo, woo.” For free! My body was a food factory. I wasn’t about to let that all go to waste. If you shat juicy hamburgers… Would you ever wait in line at In-N-Out again? No, you would pop a squat over your husband’s head every morning. And tell him to open wide… Because breakfast is on the way… Animal style. Yeah, you’d be like, “I got your secret menu right here.” ♪ Work, work, work, work, work ♪ I had to stop breastfeeding after eight and a half months. I could not take it anymore. By the end, I felt like The Giving Tree. I used to not-understand what that depressing-ass book was about. And now I know it’s about breastfeeding! It’s about a mom who used to have all of these beautiful branches and apples, and then this little freeloader comes into her life, takes all of her shit, and then she just becomes a sad-ass tree stump with deflated titties! People kept on asking me, “Ali, how did you get so skinny after the baby?” She sucked the life outta me! As it turns out, breastfeeding is not free because you have to buy all of these pillows and pumps to support your breastfeeding, and then you might get a clogged duct. That’s when you get like a traffic jam kidney stone in your titty, and then you have to call a lactation consultant. A lactation consultant is a white NPR listener with dreadlocks, Named Indigo, That you have to pay $200 to rush over to your house and Roto-Rooter your titty. Indigo had me do push-ups, dipping my titty in and out of a bowl of scalding hot water, and then beat my titty like this in the interim. This is why women need maternity leave. In every other First World country… Canada, France, Germany… Women get up to three years off paid maternity leave when they have a new baby. In the US, we get jack shit. In the US, there is zero federal policy for maternity leave. Maternity leave is not just to bond with the baby. Fuck the baby! Maternity leave is for new moms to hide and heal their demolished-ass bodies! I couldn’t go back to work topless beating my wet titty, trying to establish dominance over all my coworkers. You’d get fired! People don’t tell you about all the crazy shit that goes down when you get pregnant, when you give birth. When I was pregnant, a lot of other moms had highly recommended to me, “Ali, now you make sure at the hospital to steal a bunch of the free diapers.” “Yeah, duh, I know for the baby.” “No. For you…” “For me? What the fuck do I need diapers for?” “Oh, you’ll see…” Winter is coming.” And indeed I did see! Nobody told me about all the crazy shit that comes out of your pussy after you give birth. You know what happens after the baby comes out? You know what else exits? Her house. Her living room, her pillows… the Bob Marley poster… All the food that went bad in her refrigerator… for months! So then you have to wear this cartoonishly large pad. That’s like the size of a toddler mattress, and it’s only held up by the strength of this mesh fishnet underwear that’s exclusively available at the hospital. You can’t get that shit on Amazon or anything, so you gotta snatch that shit every day. It’s made out of the same material that they package fancy Korean pears in. It’s very Dac Biet, okay? Number one extra large Dac Biet hospital underwear. For three months, I was walking around my house with a top knot, giant diaper, nipples bleeding. Like a defeated sumo wrestler. I had a C-section. Yeah. Which was not the original intention, but I was having contractions for 24 hours. Yeah. And then I was like, “Cut it out.” The nurse was like, “Keep going.” I was like, “Bitch, I said cut it out. ♪ Your price is way too high You need to cut it ♪ ♪ Cut it, cut it, you need to cut it♪ The nurse was not a big hip hop fan, so… She did not appreciate that or my Dave Coulier reference. Look, a C-section is no joke, okay? It is major surgery. But it’s very fast. They put the anesthesia in your back, and then they put up this curtain so that your husband can only see your human side and not your cadaver side. And then ten minutes later, they hold the baby above the curtain like bloody Simba and it’s over. I was like, “What the fuck did I do all that pushing for when there was this perfectly good emergency exit?” One of my best friends, God bless her, she was in labor for 72 hours. The baby’s head kept on going in and out, and in and out, and in and out. And then she still had to have an emergency C-section. Before that shit went down, my friend was the kindest, most polite, dainty lady, who would never burp in front of anybody. After that shit went down, she became the most bitter, nasty, raw-ass bitch I have ever met in my life! I went to her house to pay her a visit shortly after, she opens the door, “Look at my pussy, Ali. Look at this shit! Look at this!” No, “Hello, Ali. Welcome. Come meet my beautiful new baby.” No, just, “Come on, you look at this shit! “You look at what happened to me!” Just with the door open, in front of the entire cul-de-sac to see, “Come on!” And her pussy looked crazy! It looked cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! When I saw it, I was like… Because her pussy straight up looked like two hanging dicks side by side. In the process of giving birth to one baby girl, my friend became two dudes. You could French braid that shit. It was like a Star Wars monster. I mean, women, we’re not accustomed to seeing each other’s pussies in the first place. It’s not like men at the urinal where you’re like, “Hey, what’s up, dude? What’s going on?” holding your dicks in your hands in front of each other. We’re never just like going to the bathroom, “What’s up, girl?” holding our pussies, just casual, “I like your manicure.” I told her that she had turned into two dudes. And she started laughing. But then she started to get also extremely upset. And she was like, “Please, do not make me laugh! Do not make me laugh!” And then with one hand, she had to grab a pillow, and press it against her C-section scar. And then with the other hand, she had to… pinch the dicks together… To make sure that… the carne asada wouldn’t fall out of the taco, and become nachos on the floor. You see, this is why women need maternity leave! Yeah, you’d better pay our ass, too. My friend couldn’t go back to work with her meat curtains dragging on the floor like the train of a sad-ass wedding dress. You can’t litigate like that. Ain’t no Spanx gonna tuck that shit in. I told her all of that too, and she started laughing more. And, you know, she was like, she was pinching and she was pressing, and repressing the laughter and it got to be too much, and then all of this gas gurgled up in her system, and she let out this fat-ass queef that dried out my eyeballs. I was like… Oh! Ah! Oh! Eeee. Ah. Ah. Ah. Many benefits to a C-section, okay? Catheter, I had never had a catheter in my life. A catheter is a tube that they hook up to your pee-pee hole, and you just lie there… And then all of a sudden, this bag of piss shows up next to your bed. And then this kind Filipino lady named Joyabelle Esperanza Purificacion Santo Domingo Ordonez Balasa comes in to take it out. And you’re like, “Nurse Joyabelle, whose piss that?” And she’s like, “That’s yours.” And you’re like, “Oh my God, that’s mine?” I did not even feel it go out. The catheter, it just carries it out. And I was like, “Oh my God, in my life I could have accomplished so much more had I had a catheter attached to me this entire time.” A lot of people like to ask me, “Ali, how on Earth do you balance family and career?” Men never get asked that question… because they don’t. They just neglect the child for like 90% of the day, and that’s perfectly socially acceptable, but the standards for dads are so low that they get so much praise for doing so little. My husband occasionally changes diapers, and when people hear that, “Oh my God,” confetti everywhere! “I cannot believe that your husband changes diapers! What a doting modern father. Lucky you!” When my baby girl was first born, I would do skin-on-skin contact every day to bond with her. She shit on my chest. Where’s my confetti at? I’ll tell you how I balance family and career, real talk? I have a nanny. That’s it, that’s the answer. Yes, it’s very unlikable and unpopular to broadcast that because not everybody can afford a nanny. It’s super expensive. It’s expensive for me and my husband, so the both of us, we have to hustle, we have to work very hard to not take care of our child ourselves. I’m all about putting the oxygen mask on myself before I put it on my baby. I like that protocol. I like that philosophy very much. When the stewardess tells me to make sure to do that, I’m always like, “Yeah, I was gonna do that. I got no problem with that.” I’m so jealous of Mexican people. Mexican culture. They don’t need no nannies, ’cause you know who takes care of the baby? The other baby! Hermana, Tía, Abuela, Sobrina, Prima, Second Prima, Bounce House… The baby is just born into childcare. I want to be Mexican in my next life. Don’t nobody have more fun than Mexicans. I used to live at Crenshaw and Pico, yes, if you don’t know, Crenshaw and Pico is this magical corner in the hood of Los Angeles where Guadalajara meets Korea… And the Mexicans and the Koreans are in constant racial warfare, and their weapons are loud music versus frowning. Mexicans know how to prioritize family and fun. They take their kids to Disneyland all the time. And now to accommodate, there is all of this Spanish at Disneyland. Every ride begins with, “Ladies and gentlemen, for your safety please keep your arms and hands inside the vehicle at all times. Damas y caballeros, por favor mantengan las manos y los Brazos dentro Del coche, and please do not smoke… Because it is gross and dangerous, okay? And employees must wash hands before returning to work. Okay, be careful. Be very careful. Cos tongue taco, son of a bitch, apple! ♪ Late at night When all the world is sleeping ♪ Yes, that’s how Mexican Disneyland has gotten, they play Selena on Pirates of the Caribbean. The Haunted Mansion is now called Dia de los Muertos! And what was formerly known as Splash Mountain is now Esplash Mountain. Our nanny is 62 years old. Yes, I would never accept anything younger than 62 years old. If you are hiring a 25-year-old pretty young thing to be your nanny, you a dumb-ass. Do you not read People magazine? You don’t know what’s up? That’s inviting a marriage grenade into your home. When you have a newborn baby, your marriage is very weak because you’re both stressed out, you look like shit ’cause you don’t shower no more, you’re resentful of each other, whose idea was it to bring this new roommate into the world? Your marriage is very vulnerable and easy for an outsider to invade and colonize. If we had hired a 25-year-old man, who was… not ugly… Great with my daughter and said yes immediately to every chore I asked him to do with a positive attitude, Oh, you best believe that I would eat the shit out of his butthole. Every day. Every day would be an all-day nanny butthole buffet. I don’t care if his 25 year old butt cheeks got all nervous and clenched up and closed on my face like elevator doors, I would get in there and… Like Jack Nicholson in The Shining! A lot of people also often ask me, “Ali, what on Earth do your parents think about your stand-up comedy?” Now that’s a very racilly-charged question, right? Like, what they’re really asking is, “What do your oppressive Asian parents who beat you with the SAT book until your fingers bled from playing the cello think about your butthole-licking jokes?” My older sister is an unemployed lesbian who lives on my mother’s property. So I can do whatever I want. Yeah. Whatever I want! I could take a shit on this stage right now, and my mom would be like, “You bring so much honor to our family. I am so proud of you, my golden child.” And then a lot of people also seem to wonder, “Ali, now that you have a daughter, are you gonna tone it down?” Here’s the thing, just because you became a parent, doesn’t mean you grew up. Yeah. Broey dudes become broey dads. I’m the same piece of shit that I always was before I became a mom, now just with more responsibility, and I’m barely rising to the occasion. And I’m not ashamed, I’m not going to hide that I was very sexually active in my twenties. You know why? Because everybody knows the secret now that when a woman sleeps with a man right away, it’s not because we don’t respect ourselves, it’s because we don’t respect you. We don’t see you as marriage material. That’s why we let your dick inside so fast. By letting you in, we’re really kicking you out of our future. “Bye, Felicia, be on your merry little way.” We’re just trying to have fun, we’re not trying to trap your ass. But… But you better be careful because when a man… When a man doesn’t sleep with you right away, oh… oh, it’s not because he respects you, it’s because he has a small dick. And he’s trying to trap you. Do not fall for that trap. I’m gonna repeat that shit to my daughter over and over and over again. Do not fall for that trap. I fell for that shit once, fell in love and into a semi long-term relationship with a man who kept on wanting to wait to have sex, and I assumed it was because he thought I was so special, and amazing, and worth waiting for… He was hiding something! Months later he finally agrees to get busy and unveils this tiny mess of a thing that wouldn’t even reach your molars. It was a black dude. Creepy, right? Like seeing a homeless Asian person, “What happened to you?” “Oh my God, who are your parents? Truly!” It was a black dude, and I told all my black friends about it, and they were like, “Where the fuck is he at? We need to assassinate him right now before he further threatens to tarnish our sacred reputation!” It was the first and last time I had ever seen an actual micropenis. And my honest first reaction when I saw it was… “Oh, my God, are you okay? What happened, did you just get hit by a bus? Did a car outside just like sideswipe your dick off, and now is your dick rolling around on the street like a severed snake head? And should we get a mason jar and just scoop it up, and bring you both to the hospital to have you sewed back together? Wait a minute. Wait a minute… Is this some sort of Princess and the Frog test? Did a witch curse you a long time ago as punishment for calling her ugly? And now if I put that in my mouth to prove that I love you, as a reward for my love, will it expand? Like one of those magic towels you pour water on?” My life has changed dramatically in the past year, because a year ago, nobody knew who the fuck I was. And when I was warming up to tape my very first stand-up comedy special I did four shows in my hometown, San Francisco. And I was so excited, I was super pumped. And then I couldn’t sell out all the tickets, so they had to put half of them up on Groupon. I know a lot of you are having a Chinese heart attack right now. “Oh my God… You mean to tell me I could’ve seen this bitch a year ago for $10?” Look, I love Groupon, okay? But it was so depressing and demoralizing to see my face and my picture next to… whale watching tours, Teeth whitening services, and discontinued dildos on clearance. I was like, “This is sad.” And then fast forward to last year, my Netflix special Baby Cobra premiered Mother’s Day weekend. And it was crazy, nothing like that had ever happened to me before. All of a sudden scalpers were charging up to $1,000 a ticket to see me headline live. Over 300 people dressed up as me while I was pregnant in that striped dress for Halloween. And I was so happy. Until I realized that I have no interest in being famous. I don’t. All I ever wanted was more money for less effort. I just wanna collect checks in my pajamas. Play a piece of tofu in a Pixar movie or something. Yeah, come on, you see it, the tofu’s got glasses, a lot of attitude, sings some song about the joy of soy with Justin Timberlake. My arch nemesis can be a piece of beef played by Idris Elba, Named Stringer Beef or something. I’m not even that famous and already I hate it. I hate it so much. It’s a burden! Occasionally now, I will be eating at a fancy restaurant and will get recognized by both the wait staff and the chef and think to myself, “Oh, great. Now I have to tip more.” And I do have more money now, and now I make a lot more money than my husband by like a long shot. Well, my mom is very concerned that he’s going to leave me out of intimidation. I had to explain to her that the only kind of man that would leave a woman who makes more money, is the kind of man that doesn’t like free money. “Oh, but Ali, he doesn’t feel small?” He’s too busy living large on my new salary! “Oh. Oh… Oh, but Ali, doesn’t he feel like you took something away from him?” Oh, do you mean like the pressure to provide? Which I have lifted from his shoulders. He’s chilling. He walks into work now every day two hours late like this, “Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you! Fire me, I don’t give a shit. My wife’s rich, bitch. Yeah! Yeah, this job is just an eccentric hobby for me now.” It was not supposed to go down like this. Okay? I was supposed to be him. I’m supposed to be the one chilling. He graduated from Harvard Business School. I have a BA from UCLA in Ethnic Studies. Ethnic studies is a major where you study how to blame everything on white people, it’s not supposed to yield income. Nobody, no one could have predicted this outcome. So much so, that before we got married, his family made me sign a prenup. It’s true, and now if we get divorced, their son is fucked. No more sashimi on a Tuesday! No more fancy Japanese toilet bidet where water comes out and Hello Kitty sings the song until your butthole’s fresh and clean. Go back to drinking flat water, bitch! It is said that if you earn more in the relationship, then you are the breadwinner. I think my husband’s the real breadwinner, because he won a bread machine. Being a woman and the breadwinner is not all that, okay? Because you get insecure, you do, about having too much power, so then you overcompensate in the marriage by letting the husband have a say and… And then on top of that, you know, I get very insecure as being seen as like an ice cold, workaholic mom, so then I’m the main caregiver of our daughter, too. And I’m exhausted! I’m overwhelmed! So now when my husband and I role play, I request that he call me “a simple ho”. Because that is my greatest fantasy, to be an illiterate farm girl, With no responsibility or decision-making power. We’ll get really into it, too. He’ll be like, “You! You are nothing but a simple ho!” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m a real dummy. I don’t know the alphabet, I don’t know how to count, I don’t know the difference between shapes and colors. I can’t be trusted to deposit checks or do anything important, for I am just a simple ho.” Despite having more money, I keep it real, okay? I am still a Chinese-Vietnamese person, okay? Yeah. I literally watch my Netflix special on my sister-in-law’s login. To this day, I do not have my own account. After I filmed Baby Cobra, Netflix sent me a Netflix baby onesie and a basket. You know those baskets that white people like to give with the biscotti, and the cheese, and the caramel popcorn, and all the other shit that Asian people have no interest in whatsoever. I was like, “Give me an account! I don’t need this shit that I’m allergic to, give me an account!” I still buy all my shit on Craigslist, nothing in my house is new. But now, I have to go in a disguise because last week I forgot my sunglasses and my hat and I was haggling with this dude over a bike helmet. He was like, “Twenty.” I was like, “Ten.” He was like, “Okay, 17.” I was like, “Uh-uh, I see a scratch on there. Ten.” And finally he says to me, “Um, you know, I could swear, I… Aren’t you Ali Wong? Why are you haggling with me over this bike helmet? I’m a college student who, as you can see, lives in a studio apartment with roommates.” I was like… “Shame on you. We don’t all look alike! Give me that helmet. Me no speak-a the English! My name is not Ali Wong, my name is Grace Lee! I dare you to Google Image Grace Lee. Your computer will burst into flames!” I make fun of my husband a lot, but the reality is that he is my best friend. Yes, I’m very serious. I’m very lucky to have gotten to marry my best friend, and our whole dynamic confuses my mother because it’s the inverse of what she had with my father. She was like, “Your father was not my best friend. I cannot believe how comfortable you guys are around each other. Do you fart in front of your husband?” I fart in my husband. ‘Cause we are best friends. I hope that he and I always stay together, truly, you know? ‘Cause a lot of times when comedians get successful, they inevitably get divorced from their first spouse, and then at the age of, like, 50 or 60, they like to trade up for a new one that’s, like, a third of their age. As a woman, that has zero appeal to me. You think I wanna fuck an 18-year-old boy when I’m on the precipice of menopause? Have some nervous teenager do three pumps and then bust a nut in my old-ass pussy? No, thank you. No gracias. I don’t wanna fuck an 18-year-old boy, not now, not ever again, because they’re 18, they’re terrible in bed. Do you remember when we were all teenagers? It was horrible for teenage girls because oral sex was all one-way. As a teenage girl, you never ever got your pussy eaten, but you sucked so many dicks. You’d suck a dick under a bridge, in the bathroom, in the forest. But as a teenage girl, you never just casually got your pussy eaten behind the bleachers, “Come on, Gary. Come on… Come on, Gary. Come on. Just lie down on your back, Gary. Come on, like you’re gonna change oil. Come on, Gary!” “Did you see that wicked serve I made in that tennis match? Come on, Elliot, come on. Congratulations to me! Come on, Elliot. Come on, Elliot. Come on.” “There are no more children in this playground. Come on, Spencer. Come on! It’s dark, Spencer, come on!” You had to, like, wait until your 20s to get your pussy eaten, and even then it was not very good because it’s very personal. Do you know how long it took me to train my husband to eat my pussy correctly? I’m not going back out into the world, find somebody new to coach all over again. It’s too much work. All of that knowledge that my husband has now, all that time I invested, all of that muscle memory lives and dies with him. You can’t store that in some sort of I-pussy cloud and then just download it to a new husband 2.0. He is bespoke to me. Irreplaceable! Yes. Look, many patient nights I wanted to fake it, okay? But I knew that it was so fundamental for the long-term that he get it right, and that lying to him would just be cheating myself. And so, I would shove his head down there and keep it down there until his face got prunie. Many nights, he’d enter 7:00 p.m. looking like a 30-year-old man, exit hours later looking like Tommy Lee Jones. You know how hard it is for a young Asian man to suddenly transform into Tommy Lee Jones? I think a big part of being good at eating pussy is that you just got to be into it, okay? Do it with gusto, with enthusiasm. It’s a privilege, so act like you know, okay? Yes! Yeah, don’t hesitate. Don’t… Like you’re some toddler being forced to eat broccoli. Get in there! And hold your own goddamn head up, too, don’t use my thigh as a tripod and just… Fall into a food coma before you finish your meal. Lately, I have been ruminating a lot over this one time I hooked up with this dude, and in the middle of kissing, I felt the responsibility to stop and say, “Hey, I should really let you know now before we go any further that… I’m on my period.” And he was like, “Oh… Well… Then let’s make a fucking mess, Ali!” To this day, that is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. I think about it when I feel down and ugly and no good. All I have to do is remember that there was once a man out there who was willing to yank out my tampon and replace it with his dick! It made me feel beautiful. Beautiful! (cheers and applause). There is nothing more empowering and truly feminist than what that man said that day. That is straight up hashtag… I’m with her. You know, I think I used to be a much different comic before I had the baby. I used to do a lot more jokes about sucking dick and my pussy, but now… not as many jokes about… Sucking dick and my pussy because… I don’t suck dick no more. When you give birth to a baby, they hand you a diploma that says, “Congratulations, you’ve earned the right to not suck dick out of obligation anymore.” If my husband were to demand that I suck his dick, I would laugh in his face. And then I would go to sleep, and guess what? In the morning, he’s still there, ain’t no consequence. We’re handcuffed together by a baby and a mortgage. Checkmate, bitch. It’s over. You ain’t got nowhere to run. I don’t gotta suck your dick anymore, you owe me money. And I don’t do as many jokes about my pussy anymore because my pussy… is gone. It’s gone. Physically it’s quite intact because I had the C-section, but emotionally and spiritually… Ghost in the Shell. Ghost in the Shell, it’s an Asian character being played by Scarlett Johansson! Yeah. My husband and I, we don’t fuck no more. We just jack off side-by-side while we fantasize about Puerto Rican people. I don’t have the energy to climb on top of him, clean up after sex, put that towel on the bed to absorb that post-sex wet spot. You know, that perfectly round-ass wet spot on the bed that gets all cold in the winter time. It’s like an ice fishing hole. Because it smells like penguins. And is narrated by Morgan Freeman. All right, I’ve been Ali Wong. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you! |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brian-regan-standing-up-2007-full-transcript/ | BRIAN REGAN: STANDING UP (2007) – Full Transcript | brian regan | ♪ [Rock] [crowd cheering] [man] let’s give a big, warm welcome to Mr. Brian Regan! [Crowd roars] all right. Thank you! Thank you. Thanks. [Cheering] thank you very much. Appreciate that. [Laughs] [cheering continues] all right. [Whistling] thank you very much. Wow. Man, oh, man. That is very, very nice. Thank you for coming tonight. I appreciate you all being here. So, I was driving today, and I came upon a truck… Pulling a horse trailer with a sign on the back– “caution: transporting show horses.” Ohh. “Oh, 10:00 and 2:00! “We’re sharin’ the road with show horses. “If I start to lose control, I’ll hit one of these cars with people! “Or at least a trailer with just plain old horses. But those horses, they gotta put on a show!” What are you supposed to do in a spin-out? Don’t hit the show horses! Anything but the show horses! Can you imagine hitting– [gibberish] then I came up on another truck pulling a trailer with a sign on the back, “don’t worry, just dumb old donkeys.” I was crossing over the line. Boom, boom. Boom. Hee-haw! Boom. Who cares? Just dumb old donkeys. They refuse to apply themselves. [Brays] heck with them. Those dumb old donkeys. [Chuckles] I lived in California for awhile, and to get my California driver’s license– this is true. I was reading in the California driver’s handbook. It says, “to receive your California driver’s license, “you will be required to give a thumbprint… Or another fingerprint if you have no thumbs.” Is this a common enough occurrence… Everyone needs to know this contingency plan? Shouldn’t that be just for one guy at the d.m.v. To know about? “I’m gonna need a thumbprint.” “I don’t have any thumbs.” “Charlie! Charlie!” [Gibberish] only charlie needs to know what’s gonna happen, not every single person in the entire state of California. Why is that in that book? [Chuckles] speaking of, uh, fingers and driving– it’s not what you think. I was driving the other day, and there’s a guy in the lane next to me. He’s in a convertible, and he’s talkin’ on his cell phone. Blah, blah, la, la, la, la. “I think I’m more important than I really am. [Gibberish] and here’s why–” [gibberish] he was yammering uselessly. So I had to watch what I was doin’ and what he’s doin’. And this guy had construction in his lane, so he needed to merge into my lane. He didn’t even know this, because he’s into his call. I knew he needed to merge. I gave him some room. I swear. Here’s how he thanked me. He’s lookin’ down. He’s talkin’. He looks up, sees the construction, sees that I’m givin’ him room, and he goes– could less effort possibly be put into thanking a fellow human being? “Oh, man. Here I was, all self-absorbed, “and you were nice enough to look out for my safety. I don’t know how to thank you other than–” “and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. “I mean that profoundly. “Thank you. Thank you from the very depths of my soul.” This is what he does. I, um, I saw something very interesting today. I’m not making this up. I saw a van for some company. I don’t even know what the business was. It had two things printed on the side– “we speak English” and “we delivery.” Ah. Ah, is that right? Can you imagine being bilingual? Would that be– heh. Or even knowing anybody that was? [Laughs] I’m not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I don’t give myself enough credit. I-I know– I know enough English to, like, you know, get by, you know. No, like, like, I can order in restaurants and stuff, you know. “I want ham! “One ham, please, to eating the ham. Bring ham to eating the ham, please.” I can do that. You know, just not fluent, I guess.
I got a buddy who, uh, thinks he speaks Italian. It’s very strange. Very strange. He’s Italian-American. Never been to Italy. Never. All my friend can say in Italian are pasta dish names. He doesn’t even know any verbs, but he still tries to pull it off. [With Italian accent] “oh, my mom, she makes-a great-a manicotti.” “I’m sorry. What?” “My mom. She makes manicotti. She makes it al dente with-a ricotta cheese.” “Are you okay? ‘Cause– you sound like you’re really weird.” [Chuckles] I have an Irish heritage. I don’t do that. Oh, my mom, she makes a great [high-pitched voice] corn beef and cabbage! [In high-pitched voice] it’s magically delicious! Then I riverdance my way home, you know? So my flight comin’ here was delayed by a half hour. Backed away from the gate on time. Just sat there for a half hour. Nothin’ you can do. Ever wanna knock on the door up there? [Imitates knocking] “um, “why don’t we all head where we’re goin’? That’s what we’re all talkin’ about back here.” But you don’t do that. You just sit there like a goober. After a half hour, the captain finally gets on. [Groans] “ohh, folks– lemme tell you what’s goin’ on up here.” Oh, I hope it’s good! Has that ever followed with anything even remotely good? “Lemme tell you what’s goin’ on up here. “Uh, we found a big bag of money onboard, “and, uh, the tower has instructed us to divvy it amongst all you passengers. “We apologize for the delay. “The problem is, each individual stack is getting so high, they keep toppling over. “And, uh, the rubber bands we’ve been using keep snapping on the size of these bundles. Apologies from the flight–” [gibberish] it’s never that. It’s never that. It’s always, “uh, somebody put our engine in upside-down. “And, uh, there’s only one tool in our galaxy that can fix this. “And, uh, it’s in Madagascar. “The tower has instructed us to go to a holding area… And remain there until everyone on board dies a natural death.” So you go there and die.
They always listen to the tower. They never question the authority of the tower. “Well, the tower’s tellin’ us to hold.” Well, so-so what about that? Just once, I wanna hear, “the tower’s tellin’ us to hold, but, uh, “you might notice I’m rumblin’ along the grass. “If you look out the right, you’ll see all those aircraft lined up on the runway. Uh, the tower keeps tellin’ us we’re number 19 for takeoff. I say we’re number one.” How would you like that? [Chuckles] right? What’s the tower gonna do? “Hey, you! You can’t exhibit that type of behavior!” “You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that.” [Laughs] “no, I should’ve listened better. If you need me, I’ll be up in the clouds.” I’m not sure what this was. Okay. [Chuckles] okay. I’m not sure what I’m dodging as I’m– okay. Wow. “He must bepilot to know that move.” So I had, uh– I had to go through security, obviously, and they have the x-ray area. I don’t mind goin’ through it, but I get tired of the businessmen… Who make way too big a deal out of their computers. You ever hear of these people? “Excuse me, I have a computer. I have a computer here. I don’t know how you’re gonna handle this– my computer.” “Oh, is he from the future?” They’ve been around awhile, pal. I think they have a way to handle your computation machine. I wanna do that with an etch a sketch, you know? Just do it, see what happens. Excuse me, my laptop. What’s that? Need to see it work? Okay. Wanna see the screen change? That’s a staircase. So the airline lost my bag, temporarily. Had to go into that baggage claim office. Boy, that must be a wonderful place to work. Every single person that comes in, you have to go, “uh, lemme guess. You’re angry? “Angry people here, livid people here. “Stay organized. Angry, livid, those who wanna ring my neck. Let’s stay organized.” So I know it’s gotta be hard for them, you know? So– y– I’m tryin’ not to be too upset. But it’s hard not to be. They lost your bag. But you gotta squelch it, or else they won’t do anything for you. You gotta go in, “hey, how ya doin’? “Uh– “yeah. Oh, uh, my bag? “Yeah, I gave it to you guys a few hours ago and– “and it ain’t spinnin’ around on that thing. So I was wonderin’ what kind of hell on earth I should prepare for.” “Well, hopefully it’ll be on the next flight. “If not, it’ll come in on tomorrow morning’s flight. We’ll deliver it to your hotel. In the meantime, you don’t need to worry. Have this for ya.” He reaches under the counter, hands me a little bag this big with a zipper on the top. And it says, “essentials kit.” “Oh, these are the essentials. “Then I over pack. “I thought I needed all that stuff I meticulously put in my suitcase. I stand corrected.” They have the gall– if that was really an essentials kit, if you had one, you’d never need to go to work again. “Whatever happened to harry?” “Oh, he don’t need us. “He happened upon an essentials kit. He opened it up. It was filled with food, shelter and love!” So I’m goin’ to a party, and I had to go to a greeting card store to get a birthday card. These places are way too subdivided now. They don’t have just a simple birthday section. They have, like, “happy birthday for age four from the both of us.” What the hell? [Chuckles] “I’m lookin’ for a religious, humorous, happy birthday… For age seven twins from the a.f.c. West.” They have a whole section called “blank inside.” What in the hell is a blank inside card? So I’ve been sending ’em out. “Sorry you’re feeling so blank inside. I feel like that myself sometimes.” What kind of scam– the guy who’s sellin’ blank inside cards must wake up laughin’. “What do you do again?” [Laughs] “I sell blank inside cards. “A picture of a tree, nothin’ on the inside. “No little limerick, nothin’! They’re buyin’ a crease!” They have another whole section called “encouragement.” I like to send those to people who are not about to do anything. Just keep sending ’em follow-ups and confusing ’em. “You can do it!” “I can do what? I keep getting these!” “I know it’s in you.” “What? What is in me? What can I do?” Maybe you should go do something, instead of reading cards all the time. You know what’s fun? You pick somebody at random, like, out of the phone book… And send ’em about a hundred “just because” cards. They can’t even ask you why you did it. They have a section called “new baby.” I don’t think you need the word “new.” You’d have to clear up confusion. “Do you have an old baby section? “‘Cause, uh, well, “my friend had a baby, “and I let time get away from me. “And he’s 12. “Is there an area of your establishment– are you the proprietor?” They’d be askin’ that sort of thing. They have “birthday.” Then they have “birthday, humorous.” [Laughs] that kicks it up a notch. They have “sympathy.” No “sympathy, humorous.” I’ve yet to see where they’ve tried to– I guess that’s good. You wouldn’t want to get one of those. “Sorry about your uncle Fred, but, hey, sometimes you end up dead. “Did somebody blonk him in the head? Did somebody pump him full of lead?” “What the– are they trying to be humorous?” “Bet you’re glad it wasn’t you instead.” [Shrieks] so, my wife and I have two beautiful kids, uh– the other day I was watching sports on TV. And my daughter— she just turned three– she got next to me on the couch and got as close as she could. You love those moments as a dad. You know, it’s like, whoa. This is true. And she put her thumb in her mouth, and she looked up and me and she said, “put on something appropriate for me.” She’s smart. She knows what she’s supposed to see. I watch Dora the Explorer with her, you know, ’cause she likes it. So I watch it with her, you know. It’s a good show. I’d probably watch that if I didn’t have kids. Dora the Explorer. First of all, did the producers think that rhymes? ♪ Dora the Explorer ♪ maybe that rhymes in the Kennedy household. “Put on Dora the ‘explorah.'” Yeah. Other than– other than that one isolated compound, I’m not sure how that works. There’s a song in Dora the Explorer that amazes me. And I wish I had been at the pitch meeting where it was approved. “So did you get a chance to work on a song?” “Oh, uh– “yeah. Yeah. Well, I know– remember now that you want– yeah, of course. Yeah, we’re working on it. Yeah.” “Why don’t you go ahead and sing it for us then?” “Oh, okay, well– “you-you want that now? Okay. Okay. Here we go. Um–” [clears throat] ♪ I’m the map, I’m the map I’m the map, I’m the map ♪ ♪ I’m the map, I’m the map I’m the map, I’m the map ♪ I’m the map! [Indistinct] “and which character would be singing this?” You’re supposed to read to your kids– even when they’re babies. So I’ve always done that. I don’t know who’s writing books for babies, but I want a piece of that financial pie. I put my daughter on my lap with this big cardboard book. “The clock. The big clock.” Hey. “Ticktock. The end.” “Twelve bucks.” And there’s a synopsis on the back that is longer than the actual book, and I’m not exaggerating. “Sit down with your children, and you will delight… “As you read about the adventures of the ticking clock. “Sometimes it goes, ‘tick,’ and sometimes it goes, ‘tock,’ “which just goes to show you, you never can be too sure in life, ’cause sometimes things are one way, but they are about to change.” Are you talking about this book? You can’t possibly be talking about this book. I must have missed the subtext. I read all these kids’ books, you know. Let me ask you something. Does the owl go, “who,” or does it go, “hoot”? Half the books say one. Half the books say the other. Let me tell you something. Owls don’t go, “hoot.” Okay? Has anyone ever heard an owl go, “hoo-t”? Hoot! Never in the history of the animal kingdom… Has an owl enunciated like that. Ever. Toss those books in the trash can. They didn’t do their research. Who’s deciding how they go, you know? “The horse goes, ‘neigh.'” When? When? When does a horse do that? “You wanna give me a ride?” “Neigh.” Everybody knows horses don’t go, “neigh.” They go, “wilbur.” Common knowledge, I believe. They’re all over the place with dogs. “The dog says, ‘bark.'” “The dog says, ‘ruff.'” “The dog says, ‘woof.'” “The dog says, ‘bow-wow.'” That’s the one that intrigues me. Who the hell ever heard a dog… And could have possibly interpreted it that way? [Imitates dog barking] “did you just hear a bow-wow?” “I distinctly heard a bow-wow.” [Imitates dog barking] “there it is again. Bow-wow. You’re not hearing that? You’re not hearing a bow-wow?” [Barks] bow. Wow. “You’re not hearing any of that?” Mm-mmm. I’m not hearing that. Not that, I don’t think. You do stuff with your kids you probably wouldn’t do otherwise. Like take them to butterfly pavilions. We took our kids to this big mesh-covered place filled with butterflies, you know? As we’re walking in, this worker goes, “I’ll be happy to answer all your butterfly questions today.” [Laughing] “okay. All of them?” Where do you begin when you get that kind of green light? So this guy’s following us around, and it’s falling on me to brainstorm up butterfly questions. I’m just, like– [groans] “um– “this– “what I wanna– [mouthing words] “does this one like to eat? “He does? Okay. “Care to expound on that at all? No? Okay.” I was thinking, could there be a less-stressful job… Than working in a butterfly pavilion? I mean, you know, what could possibly go awry, you know? “So how was work, dear?” “Don’t even get me started. “I’ve had it up to here with those butterflies. “I had this yellow one landing lightly on flowers. “And this purple one fluttering around and around. “Like I don’t know what he’s up to! I can’t take the politics!” We were out in the park. We saw another family. They had, like, a five-year-old boy holding a helium balloon, and he accidentally let go of his balloon. The boy started crying, and his parents were, like, “why are you crying? It’s a balloon. We’ll get you another one.” I’m, like, “jeepers creepers, folks.” Sometimes I don’t think adults try hard enough, you know, to understand what kids are going through. If you wanted to relate to what it’s going through, imagine if you took your wallet out… And it just started floating away. “No!” “Why are you acting like that? It’s a wallet. We’ll get you another one.” “I want that one!” That’s what your boy is going through. We have a little boy. We had a monitor in his room the other night, and, uh– I don’t really push what I do on my kids. I figure they’ll find out when they want to find out. I was sitting with my wife watching TV, and it was at night. We thought he was sleeping, and all of a sudden I heard, through the monitor, “daddy, I have a joke for your career.” Wow. I got, like, goose bumps, man. I’m, like, “wow.” So I gotta go up there, man. I ran upstairs. [Laughs] this is true. And I sit on the bed. I’m, like, “man. Wow. You got a joke for my-my act buddy?” And he goes, “yeah. I just thought of it.” And I was, like, “whoa.” I wanted to cry I was, like, so touched, you know? I was, like, “really? Wow. What’s the joke, buddy?” And he goes, “how come dinosaurs don’t talk?” “I don’t know. How come dinosaurs don’t talk?” “Because they’re all dead.” [Chuckles] yeah. That’s my boy’s joke, man. I laughed for about an hour straight, man. Anyway– he’s smarter than me. I’m trying to get smart. I’ve been watching Nova. Have you seen that show? They had a thing a couple of weeks ago about string theory. I started watching that at 8:00 p.m., And at 8:03 my brain exploded. They said string theory is the stuff… That the physicists are now figuring out… That Albert Einstein was not able to nail down in his theories. So I’m thinking, “well, if Albert Einstein didn’t understand it, me on a couch with a bag of potato chips don’t have a shot.” “Oh, I see what they’re talking about. “Yeah, you gotta incorporate gravity. I always wondered why he didn’t do that.” I’m sitting there working on my string cheese theory. You know, they always say Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it’s an insult? “You won’t know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.” I don’t think we’re honoring that man properly… By using his name in vain in parking lots. That’s the only time he ever comes up. I watch too much TV. I like watching the Antiques Roadshow. It’s one of my favorite shows. People bring in their old stuff to get it appraised. My favorite part of that whole show… Is the people in the background, you know? If aliens ever wanted to see what we’re all about, they should just bring that tape back to their planet. “Let me show you what we’re dealing with here. “Yeah, we can do whatever we want down there. Yeah, they rule the whole planet.” “They rule the whole”– “yes. They rule the whole planet.” “Let’s go shine lights in their eyes.” I’d like to get on that show– go stand in line for, like, three hours with an old, rusty spatula. Just finally get up there. Hand it to the guy. “Is there some type of story associated with this?” “Uh– “well, it was in the kitchen drawer, “and I couldn’t open it ’cause the spatula was stickin’ up. So I thought maybe it was from Babylon.” “Do you see how this says ‘Kmart’? Would you be surprised if I told you this was absolutely worthless?” “Nah. When is this gonna air?” [Imitates beeping] “absolutely worthless.” [Imitates beeping] I like watching golf on TV, and I read recently– this is true. NBC sports, on their golf telecast– they got caught putting in bird noises for ambience. Birds aren’t even there. And a bird lover called ’em on it, because he was hearing a bird that was not indigenous… To where the tournament was being held. Wow. Can you imagine being the guy who had to field that phone call? “Uh, yeah, sports department.” “Uh, yeah, hi. Listen, uh, does this sound right to you?” [Whistling] “no, that don’t. Um– I-I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.” “Yeah. Yeah, apparently you don’t. “Yeah, I guess I’m supposed to believe the blue-breasted ‘whipoorwillow’… “Has decided to alter its annual migratory route… To enjoy a little golf.” [Laughing] “what?” “Maybe for that reason you should try”– [imitating bird call] “okay. “I get it. I got one. [High-pitched voice] “cuckoo! Cuckoo. Cuckoo for cocoa puffs.” [Gibberish] you have to admire that guy. You have to admire him. You’re not gonna slip a chirp past him. “What the hell was that? “Please tell me I did not just hear that. Please. Please tell me this is not happening to me today.” I wish he would have handled it differently. I wish, instead of calling, he would have snuck in there late at night, pulled out that bird tape, you know, and stuck in another animal track. No one would even know till it’s goin’ out live. [Hushed voice] “um, ernie els is… “Looking at about a 10-foot putt here. “This is– [laughs] this is a downhill putt. It’s gonna break a little bit to his left.” [Imitating bird screeching] “man, he is focused!” [Cheering] oh, you guys– you guys are great. Thank you. Thank you. Politicians like to use the TV for their negative ads. I love watching them. I love the sinister voice-over guy that they use. [Deep voice] “he voted to give himself a pay raise.” Wouldn’t you? I-i don’t know. Is that the worst thing you have on the guy? “Apparently he wanted more money… To provide for his family.” [Growls] then they morph him into a devil. [Roaring] this is an actual negative campaign ad– I’m not making this up– about the other candidate. “He voted to allow seven-year-olds to be tasered.” That’s an actual ad. And they interviewed the guy who had voted for that. He was, like, “I meant worst-case scenario. “If the kid gets a weapon, we don’t wanna hurt him. In the worst case you can taser him and get the weapon away.” As if that was that man’s platform. “I want to taser seven-year-olds.” He’s talking with his staff– “when I’m elected, “can we have some seven-year-olds on the stage with me? “I think I’ll swear in, and then I’ll taser a seven-year-old.” “Think that’d be a nice way to start the term. “I solemnly– and then I’ll taser another one. How many can we bus in for this?” That’s what that man wanted to do. Politicians are smart, man. They certainly know how to not answer questions. They have tricks that no one ever seems to call them on. “I’m sorry. I’m not taking questions today.” “Oh. Oh. Well, when will you be– [whispering] oh. That’s a question.” [Mouthing words] not taking questions? I wish I would have known that was an option when I was a kid in school. “Brian, how do you find the square root of a fraction?” “I’m sorry. I’m not taking questions today.” You know? Another one that politicians pull. “Well, let me answer that by asking you this.” You can’t answer that by answering that? You can’t do that? I wish I had that stunt ready in school too. “Brian, how did World War I affect the economy of central Europe?” “Well, let me answer that by asking you this. “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, “if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I think I’ve made my point.” [Chuckles] They had local elections where we were living, and we had just moved there, so I didn’t know any of the candidates, but that didn’t matter, ’cause they would put billboards on the side of the road… With their name and two one-word qualities. Which is really all you need to make an informed decision. “Steve Wilson. Leadership. Integrity.” [Chuckles] “say no more. That’s what I’m looking for, right, honey? Those two things.” The only way that would be helpful… Is if his opponent had a billboard right next to it– “Floyd Nimrod. Laziness. Thievery.” “I don’t think so, Mr. Nimrod. “Not when you compare, when you really weighed everything. “When you really step back and weigh it. No. Not-not– no.” The Kennedy are great speakers, right? John Kennedy said, “ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” And then Robert Kennedy was credited with, “some people look at things the way they are and ask, ‘why?’ I look at things that never were and ask, ‘why not?'” It’s powerful, but it must have been weird growing up with them, you know, speaking in flip-flops around the dinner table. “Ask not if someone can pass the salt and pepper to you. Ask if you can pass the salt and pepper to someone.” “Some people look at creamed corn and ask, ‘why?’ I look at creamed corn and ask, ‘why not?'” And then Ted’s, like, “there any more rolls?” I gotta learn more about politics. I hear about fund-raisers where it’s $1,000 a plate. Wow. $1,000 A plate. I would have to send the food back just out of the principle of the thing. “Excuse me, please. Just take this away.” “Is there a problem with your meal, sir?” “Uh, well– [chuckles] “it’s good. It just ain’t $1,000 good. “Go add something. Put some kind of glaze on there or something.” For $1,000, I would want every bite to be like this. [Laughing, whooping] “that is so good I’m crying! “I am voting for you. “Those policies are nuts, but this is fantastic! “Oh, my god, this is delicious! Fire up your taser.” But politicians have a lot to deal with these days, man. It’s a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their lifelong dream. And every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose. “I’d like some information on crop dusting. “And let me guess. You need to make a phone call. I’ve been through the rigmarole.” I like watching the news. I love the commercials for the local news. You’ll hear things like, “a news anchor you can trust.” What the hell is there not to trust? What, is he gonna lie to you? “There’s a big fire downtown. Maybe.” “I don’t know if I trust this guy. “I don’t know. There’s something about him. I can’t put my finger upon it. Something. Something not right.” Another one you’ll hear– “a news team that cares.” [Chuckles] they don’t care on the other channel? Like, you click over there– “a major highway is closed down tonight, but, uh, hey, I don’t drive home that way.” “Aw, turn it back to the team that cares. These two are surly. I’ve had it with their uncaring ways.” You know what I saw on the news? And I’m not making this up at all. There’s a United States spy named Brian Regan. Brian Regan. Same spelling. It’s unbelievable. And when that trial started– he’s in jail for the rest of his life for, uh, espionage. For selling secrets to Libya and Iraq. And when that trial started, I knew nothing about that guy. Had the news on in the background, and I’m not really paying attention. I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I hear, “it’s unclear whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution.” “Guess I can set this down here. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?” You guys are great, man. Thank you for making me feel so welcome tonight. [Audience cheering, applauding] ♪ [rock] [indistinct] thank you. Thanks a lot. [Cheering continues] ♪ [rock continues] ♪ [rock continues] ♪ [rock stops] I really really realllllyyyyy want to find this on youtube, or the video version SOMEWHERE. this reference to the Kennedy’s dinner table is something my husband and I have been trying to locate for months and months. Can you help? | [Crowd roars] all right. Thank you! Thank you. Thanks. [Cheering] thank you very much. Appreciate that. [Laughs] [cheering continues] all right. [Whistling] thank you very much. Wow. Man, oh, man. That is very, very nice. Thank you for coming tonight. I appreciate you all being here. So, I was driving today, and I came upon a truck… Pulling a horse trailer with a sign on the back– “caution: transporting show horses.” Ohh. “Oh, 10:00 and 2:00! “We’re sharin’ the road with show horses. “If I start to lose control, I’ll hit one of these cars with people! “Or at least a trailer with just plain old horses. But those horses, they gotta put on a show!” What are you supposed to do in a spin-out? Don’t hit the show horses! Anything but the show horses! Can you imagine hitting– [gibberish] then I came up on another truck pulling a trailer with a sign on the back, “don’t worry, just dumb old donkeys.” I was crossing over the line. Boom, boom. Boom. Hee-haw! Boom. Who cares? Just dumb old donkeys. They refuse to apply themselves. [Brays] heck with them. Those dumb old donkeys. [Chuckles] I lived in California for awhile, and to get my California driver’s license– this is true. I was reading in the California driver’s handbook. It says, “to receive your California driver’s license, “you will be required to give a thumbprint… Or another fingerprint if you have no thumbs.” Is this a common enough occurrence… Everyone needs to know this contingency plan? Shouldn’t that be just for one guy at the d.m.v. To know about? “I’m gonna need a thumbprint.” “I don’t have any thumbs.” “Charlie! Charlie!” [Gibberish] only charlie needs to know what’s gonna happen, not every single person in the entire state of California. Why is that in that book? [Chuckles] speaking of, uh, fingers and driving– it’s not what you think. I was driving the other day, and there’s a guy in the lane next to me. He’s in a convertible, and he’s talkin’ on his cell phone. Blah, blah, la, la, la, la. “I think I’m more important than I really am. [Gibberish] and here’s why–” [gibberish] he was yammering uselessly. So I had to watch what I was doin’ and what he’s doin’. And this guy had construction in his lane, so he needed to merge into my lane. He didn’t even know this, because he’s into his call. I knew he needed to merge. I gave him some room. I swear. Here’s how he thanked me. He’s lookin’ down. He’s talkin’. He looks up, sees the construction, sees that I’m givin’ him room, and he goes– could less effort possibly be put into thanking a fellow human being? “Oh, man. Here I was, all self-absorbed, “and you were nice enough to look out for my safety. I don’t know how to thank you other than–” “and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. “I mean that profoundly. “Thank you. Thank you from the very depths of my soul.” This is what he does. I, um, I saw something very interesting today. I’m not making this up. I saw a van for some company. I don’t even know what the business was. It had two things printed on the side– “we speak English” and “we delivery.” Ah. Ah, is that right? Can you imagine being bilingual? Would that be– heh. Or even knowing anybody that was? [Laughs] I’m not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I don’t give myself enough credit. I-I know– I know enough English to, like, you know, get by, you know. No, like, like, I can order in restaurants and stuff, you know. “I want ham! “One ham, please, to eating the ham. Bring ham to eating the ham, please.” I can do that. You know, just not fluent, I guess. I got a buddy who, uh, thinks he speaks Italian. It’s very strange. Very strange. He’s Italian-American. Never been to Italy. Never. All my friend can say in Italian are pasta dish names. He doesn’t even know any verbs, but he still tries to pull it off. [With Italian accent] “oh, my mom, she makes-a great-a manicotti.” “I’m sorry. What?” “My mom. She makes manicotti. She makes it al dente with-a ricotta cheese.” “Are you okay? ‘Cause– you sound like you’re really weird.” [Chuckles] I have an Irish heritage. I don’t do that. Oh, my mom, she makes a great [high-pitched voice] corn beef and cabbage! [In high-pitched voice] it’s magically delicious! Then I riverdance my way home, you know? So my flight comin’ here was delayed by a half hour. Backed away from the gate on time. Just sat there for a half hour. Nothin’ you can do. Ever wanna knock on the door up there? [Imitates knocking] “um, “why don’t we all head where we’re goin’? That’s what we’re all talkin’ about back here.” But you don’t do that. You just sit there like a goober. After a half hour, the captain finally gets on. [Groans] “ohh, folks– lemme tell you what’s goin’ on up here.” Oh, I hope it’s good! Has that ever followed with anything even remotely good? “Lemme tell you what’s goin’ on up here. “Uh, we found a big bag of money onboard, “and, uh, the tower has instructed us to divvy it amongst all you passengers. “We apologize for the delay. “The problem is, each individual stack is getting so high, they keep toppling over. “And, uh, the rubber bands we’ve been using keep snapping on the size of these bundles. Apologies from the flight–” [gibberish] it’s never that. It’s never that. It’s always, “uh, somebody put our engine in upside-down. “And, uh, there’s only one tool in our galaxy that can fix this. “And, uh, it’s in Madagascar. “The tower has instructed us to go to a holding area… And remain there until everyone on board dies a natural death.” So you go there and die. They always listen to the tower. They never question the authority of the tower. “Well, the tower’s tellin’ us to hold.” Well, so-so what about that? Just once, I wanna hear, “the tower’s tellin’ us to hold, but, uh, “you might notice I’m rumblin’ along the grass. “If you look out the right, you’ll see all those aircraft lined up on the runway. Uh, the tower keeps tellin’ us we’re number 19 for takeoff. I say we’re number one.” How would you like that? [Chuckles] right? What’s the tower gonna do? “Hey, you! You can’t exhibit that type of behavior!” “You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that.” [Laughs] “no, I should’ve listened better. If you need me, I’ll be up in the clouds.” I’m not sure what this was. Okay. [Chuckles] okay. I’m not sure what I’m dodging as I’m– okay. Wow. “He must bepilot to know that move.” So I had, uh– I had to go through security, obviously, and they have the x-ray area. I don’t mind goin’ through it, but I get tired of the businessmen… Who make way too big a deal out of their computers. You ever hear of these people? “Excuse me, I have a computer. I have a computer here. I don’t know how you’re gonna handle this– my computer.” “Oh, is he from the future?” They’ve been around awhile, pal. I think they have a way to handle your computation machine. I wanna do that with an etch a sketch, you know? Just do it, see what happens. Excuse me, my laptop. What’s that? Need to see it work? Okay. Wanna see the screen change? That’s a staircase. So the airline lost my bag, temporarily. Had to go into that baggage claim office. Boy, that must be a wonderful place to work. Every single person that comes in, you have to go, “uh, lemme guess. You’re angry? “Angry people here, livid people here. “Stay organized. Angry, livid, those who wanna ring my neck. Let’s stay organized.” So I know it’s gotta be hard for them, you know? So– y– I’m tryin’ not to be too upset. But it’s hard not to be. They lost your bag. But you gotta squelch it, or else they won’t do anything for you. You gotta go in, “hey, how ya doin’? “Uh– “yeah. Oh, uh, my bag? “Yeah, I gave it to you guys a few hours ago and– “and it ain’t spinnin’ around on that thing. So I was wonderin’ what kind of hell on earth I should prepare for.” “Well, hopefully it’ll be on the next flight. “If not, it’ll come in on tomorrow morning’s flight. We’ll deliver it to your hotel. In the meantime, you don’t need to worry. Have this for ya.” He reaches under the counter, hands me a little bag this big with a zipper on the top. And it says, “essentials kit.” “Oh, these are the essentials. “Then I over pack. “I thought I needed all that stuff I meticulously put in my suitcase. I stand corrected.” They have the gall– if that was really an essentials kit, if you had one, you’d never need to go to work again. “Whatever happened to harry?” “Oh, he don’t need us. “He happened upon an essentials kit. He opened it up. It was filled with food, shelter and love!” So I’m goin’ to a party, and I had to go to a greeting card store to get a birthday card. These places are way too subdivided now. They don’t have just a simple birthday section. They have, like, “happy birthday for age four from the both of us.” What the hell? [Chuckles] “I’m lookin’ for a religious, humorous, happy birthday… For age seven twins from the a.f.c. West.” They have a whole section called “blank inside.” What in the hell is a blank inside card? So I’ve been sending ’em out. “Sorry you’re feeling so blank inside. I feel like that myself sometimes.” What kind of scam– the guy who’s sellin’ blank inside cards must wake up laughin’. “What do you do again?” [Laughs] “I sell blank inside cards. “A picture of a tree, nothin’ on the inside. “No little limerick, nothin’! They’re buyin’ a crease!” They have another whole section called “encouragement.” I like to send those to people who are not about to do anything. Just keep sending ’em follow-ups and confusing ’em. “You can do it!” “I can do what? I keep getting these!” “I know it’s in you.” “What? What is in me? What can I do?” Maybe you should go do something, instead of reading cards all the time. You know what’s fun? You pick somebody at random, like, out of the phone book… And send ’em about a hundred “just because” cards. They can’t even ask you why you did it. They have a section called “new baby.” I don’t think you need the word “new.” You’d have to clear up confusion. “Do you have an old baby section? “‘Cause, uh, well, “my friend had a baby, “and I let time get away from me. “And he’s 12. “Is there an area of your establishment– are you the proprietor?” They’d be askin’ that sort of thing. They have “birthday.” Then they have “birthday, humorous.” [Laughs] that kicks it up a notch. They have “sympathy.” No “sympathy, humorous.” I’ve yet to see where they’ve tried to– I guess that’s good. You wouldn’t want to get one of those. “Sorry about your uncle Fred, but, hey, sometimes you end up dead. “Did somebody blonk him in the head? Did somebody pump him full of lead?” “What the– are they trying to be humorous?” “Bet you’re glad it wasn’t you instead.” [Shrieks] so, my wife and I have two beautiful kids, uh– the other day I was watching sports on TV. And my daughter— she just turned three– she got next to me on the couch and got as close as she could. You love those moments as a dad. You know, it’s like, whoa. This is true. And she put her thumb in her mouth, and she looked up and me and she said, “put on something appropriate for me.” She’s smart. She knows what she’s supposed to see. I watch Dora the Explorer with her, you know, ’cause she likes it. So I watch it with her, you know. It’s a good show. I’d probably watch that if I didn’t have kids. Dora the Explorer. First of all, did the producers think that rhymes? ♪ Dora the Explorer ♪ maybe that rhymes in the Kennedy household. “Put on Dora the ‘explorah.'” Yeah. Other than– other than that one isolated compound, I’m not sure how that works. There’s a song in Dora the Explorer that amazes me. And I wish I had been at the pitch meeting where it was approved. “So did you get a chance to work on a song?” “Oh, uh– “yeah. Yeah. Well, I know– remember now that you want– yeah, of course. Yeah, we’re working on it. Yeah.” “Why don’t you go ahead and sing it for us then?” “Oh, okay, well– “you-you want that now? Okay. Okay. Here we go. Um–” [clears throat] ♪ I’m the map, I’m the map I’m the map, I’m the map ♪ ♪ I’m the map, I’m the map I’m the map, I’m the map ♪ I’m the map! [Indistinct] “and which character would be singing this?” You’re supposed to read to your kids– even when they’re babies. So I’ve always done that. I don’t know who’s writing books for babies, but I want a piece of that financial pie. I put my daughter on my lap with this big cardboard book. “The clock. The big clock.” Hey. “Ticktock. The end.” “Twelve bucks.” And there’s a synopsis on the back that is longer than the actual book, and I’m not exaggerating. “Sit down with your children, and you will delight… “As you read about the adventures of the ticking clock. “Sometimes it goes, ‘tick,’ and sometimes it goes, ‘tock,’ “which just goes to show you, you never can be too sure in life, ’cause sometimes things are one way, but they are about to change.” Are you talking about this book? You can’t possibly be talking about this book. I must have missed the subtext. I read all these kids’ books, you know. Let me ask you something. Does the owl go, “who,” or does it go, “hoot”? Half the books say one. Half the books say the other. Let me tell you something. Owls don’t go, “hoot.” Okay? Has anyone ever heard an owl go, “hoo-t”? Hoot! Never in the history of the animal kingdom… Has an owl enunciated like that. Ever. Toss those books in the trash can. They didn’t do their research. Who’s deciding how they go, you know? “The horse goes, ‘neigh.'” When? When? When does a horse do that? “You wanna give me a ride?” “Neigh.” Everybody knows horses don’t go, “neigh.” They go, “wilbur.” Common knowledge, I believe. They’re all over the place with dogs. “The dog says, ‘bark.'” “The dog says, ‘ruff.'” “The dog says, ‘woof.'” “The dog says, ‘bow-wow.'” That’s the one that intrigues me. Who the hell ever heard a dog… And could have possibly interpreted it that way? [Imitates dog barking] “did you just hear a bow-wow?” “I distinctly heard a bow-wow.” [Imitates dog barking] “there it is again. Bow-wow. You’re not hearing that? You’re not hearing a bow-wow?” [Barks] bow. Wow. “You’re not hearing any of that?” Mm-mmm. I’m not hearing that. Not that, I don’t think. You do stuff with your kids you probably wouldn’t do otherwise. Like take them to butterfly pavilions. We took our kids to this big mesh-covered place filled with butterflies, you know? As we’re walking in, this worker goes, “I’ll be happy to answer all your butterfly questions today.” [Laughing] “okay. All of them?” Where do you begin when you get that kind of green light? So this guy’s following us around, and it’s falling on me to brainstorm up butterfly questions. I’m just, like– [groans] “um– “this– “what I wanna– [mouthing words] “does this one like to eat? “He does? Okay. “Care to expound on that at all? No? Okay.” I was thinking, could there be a less-stressful job… Than working in a butterfly pavilion? I mean, you know, what could possibly go awry, you know? “So how was work, dear?” “Don’t even get me started. “I’ve had it up to here with those butterflies. “I had this yellow one landing lightly on flowers. “And this purple one fluttering around and around. “Like I don’t know what he’s up to! I can’t take the politics!” We were out in the park. We saw another family. They had, like, a five-year-old boy holding a helium balloon, and he accidentally let go of his balloon. The boy started crying, and his parents were, like, “why are you crying? It’s a balloon. We’ll get you another one.” I’m, like, “jeepers creepers, folks.” Sometimes I don’t think adults try hard enough, you know, to understand what kids are going through. If you wanted to relate to what it’s going through, imagine if you took your wallet out… And it just started floating away. “No!” “Why are you acting like that? It’s a wallet. We’ll get you another one.” “I want that one!” That’s what your boy is going through. We have a little boy. We had a monitor in his room the other night, and, uh– I don’t really push what I do on my kids. I figure they’ll find out when they want to find out. I was sitting with my wife watching TV, and it was at night. We thought he was sleeping, and all of a sudden I heard, through the monitor, “daddy, I have a joke for your career.” Wow. I got, like, goose bumps, man. I’m, like, “wow.” So I gotta go up there, man. I ran upstairs. [Laughs] this is true. And I sit on the bed. I’m, like, “man. Wow. You got a joke for my-my act buddy?” And he goes, “yeah. I just thought of it.” And I was, like, “whoa.” I wanted to cry I was, like, so touched, you know? I was, like, “really? Wow. What’s the joke, buddy?” And he goes, “how come dinosaurs don’t talk?” “I don’t know. How come dinosaurs don’t talk?” “Because they’re all dead.” [Chuckles] yeah. That’s my boy’s joke, man. I laughed for about an hour straight, man. Anyway– he’s smarter than me. I’m trying to get smart. I’ve been watching Nova. Have you seen that show? They had a thing a couple of weeks ago about string theory. I started watching that at 8:00 p.m., And at 8:03 my brain exploded. They said string theory is the stuff… That the physicists are now figuring out… That Albert Einstein was not able to nail down in his theories. So I’m thinking, “well, if Albert Einstein didn’t understand it, me on a couch with a bag of potato chips don’t have a shot.” “Oh, I see what they’re talking about. “Yeah, you gotta incorporate gravity. I always wondered why he didn’t do that.” I’m sitting there working on my string cheese theory. You know, they always say Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it’s an insult? “You won’t know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.” I don’t think we’re honoring that man properly… By using his name in vain in parking lots. That’s the only time he ever comes up. I watch too much TV. I like watching the Antiques Roadshow. It’s one of my favorite shows. People bring in their old stuff to get it appraised. My favorite part of that whole show… Is the people in the background, you know? If aliens ever wanted to see what we’re all about, they should just bring that tape back to their planet. “Let me show you what we’re dealing with here. “Yeah, we can do whatever we want down there. Yeah, they rule the whole planet.” “They rule the whole”– “yes. They rule the whole planet.” “Let’s go shine lights in their eyes.” I’d like to get on that show– go stand in line for, like, three hours with an old, rusty spatula. Just finally get up there. Hand it to the guy. “Is there some type of story associated with this?” “Uh– “well, it was in the kitchen drawer, “and I couldn’t open it ’cause the spatula was stickin’ up. So I thought maybe it was from Babylon.” “Do you see how this says ‘Kmart’? Would you be surprised if I told you this was absolutely worthless?” “Nah. When is this gonna air?” [Imitates beeping] “absolutely worthless.” [Imitates beeping] I like watching golf on TV, and I read recently– this is true. NBC sports, on their golf telecast– they got caught putting in bird noises for ambience. Birds aren’t even there. And a bird lover called ’em on it, because he was hearing a bird that was not indigenous… To where the tournament was being held. Wow. Can you imagine being the guy who had to field that phone call? “Uh, yeah, sports department.” “Uh, yeah, hi. Listen, uh, does this sound right to you?” [Whistling] “no, that don’t. Um– I-I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.” “Yeah. Yeah, apparently you don’t. “Yeah, I guess I’m supposed to believe the blue-breasted ‘whipoorwillow’… “Has decided to alter its annual migratory route… To enjoy a little golf.” [Laughing] “what?” “Maybe for that reason you should try”– [imitating bird call] “okay. “I get it. I got one. [High-pitched voice] “cuckoo! Cuckoo. Cuckoo for cocoa puffs.” [Gibberish] you have to admire that guy. You have to admire him. You’re not gonna slip a chirp past him. “What the hell was that? “Please tell me I did not just hear that. Please. Please tell me this is not happening to me today.” I wish he would have handled it differently. I wish, instead of calling, he would have snuck in there late at night, pulled out that bird tape, you know, and stuck in another animal track. No one would even know till it’s goin’ out live. [Hushed voice] “um, ernie els is… “Looking at about a 10-foot putt here. “This is– [laughs] this is a downhill putt. It’s gonna break a little bit to his left.” [Imitating bird screeching] “man, he is focused!” [Cheering] oh, you guys– you guys are great. Thank you. Thank you. Politicians like to use the TV for their negative ads. I love watching them. I love the sinister voice-over guy that they use. [Deep voice] “he voted to give himself a pay raise.” Wouldn’t you? I-i don’t know. Is that the worst thing you have on the guy? “Apparently he wanted more money… To provide for his family.” [Growls] then they morph him into a devil. [Roaring] this is an actual negative campaign ad– I’m not making this up– about the other candidate. “He voted to allow seven-year-olds to be tasered.” That’s an actual ad. And they interviewed the guy who had voted for that. He was, like, “I meant worst-case scenario. “If the kid gets a weapon, we don’t wanna hurt him. In the worst case you can taser him and get the weapon away.” As if that was that man’s platform. “I want to taser seven-year-olds.” He’s talking with his staff– “when I’m elected, “can we have some seven-year-olds on the stage with me? “I think I’ll swear in, and then I’ll taser a seven-year-old.” “Think that’d be a nice way to start the term. “I solemnly– and then I’ll taser another one. How many can we bus in for this?” That’s what that man wanted to do. Politicians are smart, man. They certainly know how to not answer questions. They have tricks that no one ever seems to call them on. “I’m sorry. I’m not taking questions today.” “Oh. Oh. Well, when will you be– [whispering] oh. That’s a question.” [Mouthing words] not taking questions? I wish I would have known that was an option when I was a kid in school. “Brian, how do you find the square root of a fraction?” “I’m sorry. I’m not taking questions today.” You know? Another one that politicians pull. “Well, let me answer that by asking you this.” You can’t answer that by answering that? You can’t do that? I wish I had that stunt ready in school too. “Brian, how did World War I affect the economy of central Europe?” “Well, let me answer that by asking you this. “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, “if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I think I’ve made my point.” [Chuckles] They had local elections where we were living, and we had just moved there, so I didn’t know any of the candidates, but that didn’t matter, ’cause they would put billboards on the side of the road… With their name and two one-word qualities. Which is really all you need to make an informed decision. “Steve Wilson. Leadership. Integrity.” [Chuckles] “say no more. That’s what I’m looking for, right, honey? Those two things.” The only way that would be helpful… Is if his opponent had a billboard right next to it– “Floyd Nimrod. Laziness. Thievery.” “I don’t think so, Mr. Nimrod. “Not when you compare, when you really weighed everything. “When you really step back and weigh it. No. Not-not– no.” The Kennedy are great speakers, right? John Kennedy said, “ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” And then Robert Kennedy was credited with, “some people look at things the way they are and ask, ‘why?’ I look at things that never were and ask, ‘why not?'” It’s powerful, but it must have been weird growing up with them, you know, speaking in flip-flops around the dinner table. “Ask not if someone can pass the salt and pepper to you. Ask if you can pass the salt and pepper to someone.” “Some people look at creamed corn and ask, ‘why?’ I look at creamed corn and ask, ‘why not?'” And then Ted’s, like, “there any more rolls?” I gotta learn more about politics. I hear about fund-raisers where it’s $1,000 a plate. Wow. $1,000 A plate. I would have to send the food back just out of the principle of the thing. “Excuse me, please. Just take this away.” “Is there a problem with your meal, sir?” “Uh, well– [chuckles] “it’s good. It just ain’t $1,000 good. “Go add something. Put some kind of glaze on there or something.” For $1,000, I would want every bite to be like this. [Laughing, whooping] “that is so good I’m crying! “I am voting for you. “Those policies are nuts, but this is fantastic! “Oh, my god, this is delicious! Fire up your taser.” But politicians have a lot to deal with these days, man. It’s a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their lifelong dream. And every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose. “I’d like some information on crop dusting. “And let me guess. You need to make a phone call. I’ve been through the rigmarole.” I like watching the news. I love the commercials for the local news. You’ll hear things like, “a news anchor you can trust.” What the hell is there not to trust? What, is he gonna lie to you? “There’s a big fire downtown. Maybe.” “I don’t know if I trust this guy. “I don’t know. There’s something about him. I can’t put my finger upon it. Something. Something not right.” Another one you’ll hear– “a news team that cares.” [Chuckles] they don’t care on the other channel? Like, you click over there– “a major highway is closed down tonight, but, uh, hey, I don’t drive home that way.” “Aw, turn it back to the team that cares. These two are surly. I’ve had it with their uncaring ways.” You know what I saw on the news? And I’m not making this up at all. There’s a United States spy named Brian Regan. Brian Regan. Same spelling. It’s unbelievable. And when that trial started– he’s in jail for the rest of his life for, uh, espionage. For selling secrets to Libya and Iraq. And when that trial started, I knew nothing about that guy. Had the news on in the background, and I’m not really paying attention. I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I hear, “it’s unclear whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution.” “Guess I can set this down here. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?” You guys are great, man. Thank you for making me feel so welcome tonight. [Audience cheering, applauding] ♪ [rock] [indistinct] thank you. Thanks a lot. [Cheering continues] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kyle-kinane-whiskey-icarus-transcript/ | Kyle Kinane: Whiskey Icarus (2012) | Transcript | kyle kinane | Whoo! I’m Kyle Kinane. Kyle Christian Kinane. Yeah, these are my jokes. They’re not real funny on a paper. Get me pretty. I just feel like a little princess. Send them back. This is Kyle. He’s gonna tell jokes. ** How’s it going, San Francisco? Yeah. Man. Thank you for coming. San Francisco… one city where you can ask, “Are we in a dog-friendly lesbian bar or a lesbian-friendly dog bar?” Doesn’t matter, it’s San Francisco. Have a good time. I know you got a lot of choices of what to do with your free time. Thanks for coming to see Uncle Barbecue tell us dum-dum stories for a little while. He’s gonna spin a couple yarns and we’ll all get on to our fun, carefree lifestyles. I think a lot of comedy comes from shared experiences, things that we can relate to. Keeping that in mind, anybody else in here get so drunk last month you had to call a cab just to take you to Wendy’s? Yes! Just a couple? All right. Maybe a couple? Right there. Yeah. Get to that special point in your mid-30s where you realize that drinking responsibly and crying for help just kind of turned into the same thing. A real successful Saturday night home alone, “I want those spicy nuggets! “You’re too drunk to drive. “Well call a cab, ’cause you deserve ’em. I’m doing the right thing. How come it still feels sad?” That’s what I did. I called a cab, and another grown man drove to my house, for money, because that was his job. And he got to my house and I jumped in his cab, and I said this. Don’t do what I did when you get a cab. I just jumped in and I just said, “We’re going on an adventure!” That’s just $80 on the meter right away. They don’t want to be a tour guide. That’s 80 bucks. That’s the Peter Pan tax, is what that is. That’s the same amount of money if I were to just jump in and be like, “Take me to Neverland!” “80 bucks. You smell like you’re probably gonna barf in here, “so we’re starting at 80. Doesn’t matter where you’re going.” And so we drove to the Wendy’s and I made him take me through the drive-thru because I did not trust him not to leave me there. It was fair. He was suspicious of me. I was suspicious of him. It was fair play. But this is where I got in trouble, see, is ’cause he was driving a van cab, which means I had to open the whole side door to place my order. I was like, “Well there’s no way in hell I’m not gonna fall on my ass doing this.” So I had one hand wrapped up in the seatbelt. I was just kind of hanging out the side like a helicopter machine gunner. I was just kind of hanging out. I realized like, “This is how they do “the high-speed ransom exchanges “in the action movies I love so much. I’m gonna Bruce Willis the shit out of this.” So I wasn’t even at the window, I was just hanging out. I was like, “You throw me the nuggets, I’ll throw you the cash!” And the lady working there, she threw me the little bag. She’s gotta cut loose. She’s working late at a Wendy’s, Have some fun with your life. Have some fun with it. So I got the stuff, I’m yelling at the getaway driver… At this point, it’s the “getaway driver.” It’s like, “I got the package, step on it! Go!” But he’s not in it. He’s like, “I cannot go if the door is open. “I cannot drive if the door is open. “It is ille… It’s an illegal thing for me to do with the door open.” I’m like, “But we’re doing a whole thing right now. Where’s your imagination?” But somebody clearly had not taken improv classes in college like some other of us have. “You are not ‘Yes And’-ing right now.” “This other Frosty was gonna be for you, yeah. But you blew it, yeah.” Spent $114.00. Two Frostys and a dozen nuggets… ’cause I’m an American hero. Right now, they’re losing their shit ’cause I spilled on my shirt, and there’s somebody like, “It’s not gonna match! It’s not gonna match! “What do we do? It’s not gonna match. Why didn’t you buy two shirts, Kyle?” I barely need this one. “You got something that will make me look like a sassy janitor?” That’s my… my fashion sense is just the wise, high school janitor. “I think I know a thing or two about love, young man. “Come sit in the closet with me. I’ll tell you all about it. Fuck it, we’re going for it. I shouldn’t even be alive. I know, you look at my life on paper, you’re like, “This is an obituary. This guy’s…” Like, “You should cherish life. Every day as a gift!” Yeah, keep the receipt on some of those. I’m gonna return some of those for store credit. I don’t… like, at least three times a week, I will microwave food, grab it with my hands, think,” This is burning my flesh!” And then immediately think, “Well, then quick, put it in your mouth!” That’s not a blueprint for survival. That’s not how you stick around. I just eat… I eat garbage. I eat the same way Doc Brown fuels the DeLorean at the end of Back to the Future. “Did somebody hit a trash can with a time machine?” “What? I’m making lunch. What are you talking about? “What? “Vitamins? Where we’re going, we don’t need vitamins.” I’ll eat, like, a big bowl of pho and follow it up with sugar-free Red Bull ’cause I don’t care about myself. For those of you… If you don’t know what pho is, it’s a Vietnamese soup that answers the question, “What happens when a former child soldier pours hot rainwater over fish nightmares?” It’s delicious and I can’t stop eating it. That’s what happens. That’s what happens. And for those of you that know what it is, you think I’m saying it wrong. It’s spelled P-H-O and people are like, “It’s pronounced ‘fuh,'” and they get all upset. “It’s pronounced ‘fuh.'” I don’t care. I’m already eating it. What more do you want from me? I’m guaranteeing there’s nobody in Saigon right now going, “It’s pronounced “meatball sandwich,’ don’t be culturally insensitive.” So I’m going to continue to support the Vietnamese community by eating pho all the time instead of just correcting people’s pronunciation of it. You think about that when you crash your fixed-gear bicycle on the way home. “It’s a fixed-gear. You can’t stop pedaling.” Sounds broken to me, dumb-ass. I rally against hipsters. I shouldn’t. If… If you’re a hip… That’s fine. Be a hipster. It’s okay. You’re 22. You’re supposed to be an asshole. Just don’t get so embedded in it that you become, like, hipster Serpico. That you don’t know… Then all of a sudden, you’re 26, you got, like, a Golden Girls neck tattoo and you’re on a unicycle. And somebody’s like, “What do you really like?” You’re like, “I don’t even know anymore!” You know, don’t… Don’t become so entrenched that you forgot that you’re a human being in 2012. None of that’s gonna go on the special. I just got pissed because people were making fun of how I said “pho.” I’ve learned that optimism and stupidity are two sides of the same coin. I learned that one trying to change my pants without taking my shoes off. Too many mornings go like that. “Just make the ballerina toes, Kyle. “Make the ballerina toes. “You got… you’re gonna shave a good 30 seconds off “your getting-ready time. Make the ballerina toes.” Didn’t work. Cramped up. Cramped up. Spent 20 minutes jammed up in a pair of jeans. “You’re wearing slip-ons, stupid. You could have figured this one out.” I’ll double-check scratch-off tickets I find on the sidewalk, ’cause I think anybody that plays scratch-off tickets is stupid. Stupid enough to discard a winning ticket. “You fools are throwing your money away. “Ooh, hold on, what’s here? Free ticket? That’s like a dollar gift certificate for hope.” I thought I had it all figured out for a while there, then I was delivered an unsliced pizza. Boo! Everything you believe in just unravels. Everything you hold true. To some people, it sounds like a simple mistake. Not me. I took it personally. I was like, that’s somebody down at Dominos making a judgment call on my life. That’s somebody seeing my name come up on one too many tickets and finally just being like, “Listen, man… “we know that you’re probably gonna eat this by yourself. “More than likely, all in one sitting too, so… “You know what to do, man. Just fold it in half and… bon appetit.” Just ’cause they were right, I didn’t appreciate the assumption. “You don’t know me, Dominos!” Plumph! “This giant taco tastes like Italy!” I’m trying to be more tolerant, you know? I’m trying… There’s too many… Everybody’s got their own thing going on. It’s a waste of time to not be open-minded at a lot of these things. I’m trying to be tolerant, but it’s difficult. The tolerance, it’s tested, routinely. I was on a flight going from Denver to Chicago, and halfway through my flight… Midair, 35,000 feet… The guy sitting next to me starts eating pancakes out of a bag. Not, like, a Ziploc bag with, like, a little seal and, like, a, “Hey, I meant to do this” vibe. Like a bag from the store. Not a store that sold pancakes. See, I’m saying like a Foot Locker bag. You get me? They’re just loose. They’re just loose in there. They’re like bingo balls… Just loose. And there’s nothing wrong with what he was doing, morally speaking. But you gotta realize that if you do some wackadoo shit like eat pancakes out of a shoe store bag on an airplane, you’re forcing strangers around you into a world of questions they never anticipated they would ever have to ask. First off, “Wha… how… What?… ” First off, all the questions. All of them. First off, every question. “Why are you… why? “How did you get to this point in your life? Where are you going?” Because… like, there… That’s not… How do you wind up… If you’re on an airplane you’re on there with purpose. You are fighting gravity to travel through the sky to land on another part of the Earth’s crust. Nobody’s, like, waking up casually like Amelia Earhart, like, “I think I’ll take to the skies today.” You have purpose. You have reason to fight nature to go somewhere else. How do you have that purpose in your life but still do it with hastily-packed hobo snacks in your midst? That’s not how you catch a plane. You’re not like, “Is this one going southbound? “Haven’t seen Grapefruit Joe in a while. Drop in, we’ll share some beans.” That’s not how you catch a plane. Usually, getting to an airport, that’s your number one priority in the day. “I don’t care what happens, I’m gonna get to that airport. “You can cut… I’ll lose a hand. “I’ll fix it when I get there. Just get me to the airport.” This guy, it was number four or five on his list. This guy was like, “I know I got a flight, but it is Tuesday, “and you know what happens on Tuesday. “Silver-dollar flappies, that’s what happens. “Tuesday is silver-dollar flapjack day. “A lot of people say, ‘Hey, “how come you make the silver dollar ones?’ “I make ’em that way… I don’t make ’em full size. “I make them smaller ’cause I can eat more of them “and I can get more of a sense of accomplishment. “And so I like to do that. “And that’s a lot of batter over there, “but I’ll freeze it up. I don’t have to eat them all. “But I’ll make them all and I’ll freeze them “in Ziploc bags, and when I need them, “I’ll just have them ready. What time is it? “Shit, I gotta go! “What’s around? “Well, I did buy some new shoes the other day. “Foot Locker bag. Shovel, shovel. “Knot, bindle, boxcar, airport. Made it.” And he got on the plane. He’s on the plane, meaning we went through security. He went through an X-ray machine. His stuff went through. Pancakes got X-rayed that day. A TSA agent, somebody with a badge and responsibility. And if they were fulfilling even a fiber of their requirements of keeping the skies safe, somebody had to at least just, like, mumble something like, “Um, sir, I’m s… um… “is this a bag of pancakes? “It… It is. “O-Ok… yeah. “Yeah. “It’s pan… pancakes, yeah. “Well, I’ve never dealt with it before either. “I’m gonna say go ahead. “I don’t know. I don’t know. “We might get an earful for this, but right now, bon voyage, that’s what I’m gonna say.” And when you eat pancakes out of a bag in a semi-public place, there are rules. First off, let people know what you’re getting into. Make a little announcement. “Hey, everybody, I got a bag of pancakes over here. Don’t get freaked out.” Offer ’em around. Don’t… you don’t have to go front and back, just same row. Don’t worry, nobody’s taking any. It’s just a gesture. “See, they are, in fact, pancakes. “Would you care for some? No? I understand.” Then, when you go to eat them… With your hands, ’cause my man did not have fork and knife on his person… You eat them one at a time. Driver’s ed style, 10:00 and 2:00. You take a little nibble out of 12:00, and you hold it in your lap until you’re ready for another bite. You follow those rules, go crazy. Hell, I like your style. Way to usurp inflated airport pricing. “No, I got my own.” Good move. This fucking guy… he starts off… He’s just rustling around under there. He’s just rustling. You can’t rustle on an airplane in this day. It’s suspicious. He’s rustling, he’s kicking up odors. Now we got people… “Is that breakfast? I smell breakfast.” You’re not supposed to smell food on a domestic flight. All it takes is one paranoid weirdo to be like, “I think hydraulic fluid smells like breakfast! We’re going down!” Now we’re all in a panic, ’cause you don’t know what hydraulic fluid smells like. He gets the bag out, rips it open with a confidence like, “Yeah, I’m eating all these bitches.” Rips it open, starts rooting around in there, doing this cotton candy thing. Rooting around, but he’s not looking in the bag. He’s looking up and off into the distance with this look of glazed determination on his face. The kind of look you only see on the faces of people that are neck-deep in swamp water ’cause they’re gonna catch a catfish with their bare hands. You know, just like… “We gonna get ’em!” Pulls his hand out, he’s got two or three just in a grip, in a fist. He’s not going discreet, under the chin. He’s not going like, “Hey, I’m sorry for this,” under the chin. He’s going over the top, just, like, ’93 Jordan layup style, just, “Haa!” Dropping ’em in, then looking around with an attitude after each bite, like, “Snack time, motherfuckers! Boom! Jealous much?” Are you shitting me? I’m a Delta Gold member. I gotta sit next to this? No syrup? You go straight to hell! ‘Cause I don’t know where you’d get syrup in a situation like this. Probably another bag, seeing as how this dude operates. But even then, unwritten rules of decent society state you open up that bag of syrup, you pour it into your original bag of pancakes, and you tie it off nice and tight and shake it around for even coverage. ‘Cause you might be making a bit of mess, but at least people are like, “Well, he’s not gonna eat them dry like a psychopath.” Why is this what I’m upset about? Why are these the things that anger me? There’s bigger problems in the world. I got a blank fortune cookie. That’ll fuck up your whole day. You don’t know what it means. Somebody with common sense would just be like, “Maybe the paper wasn’t aligned right, it didn’t… ” Not me, I’m like, “That’s Confucius himself weighing in.” That’s Confucius. His advice is “I got nothing for you man. You are on your own.” Or maybe this is some Jason Bourne-type stuff. Maybe this is how they let the super spies know they’re activated. I don’t know, I watch too many movies. I crack that open, I’m like, “I must be activated. “I’m a super spy. “That means I know all kinds of martial arts and foreign languages.” So I start yelling in what I assume to be Mandarin. It seems appropriate, given my surroundings. Becomes very apparent right away all I know is remedial Spanish, which at least they understand it because I’m having this outburst at a Panda Express in east L.A. Some guy behind the counter like, “What’s wrong with white boy? Why does he keep yelling about where the library is?” Meanwhile, I’m just making a mess like, “Donde esta la biblioteca? Krav Maga!” Bang! Kicking over lunches. Then I just go to apologize, buy combo B platters for everybody. Lo siento, lo siento. No soy Jason Bourne. Lo siento. The worst are, like, the thoughts that you don’t… Like, the stuff that just pops in your head. You’re like, “Why? Why is that who I am?” Just the scary stuff. The scary stuff that you just keep pushed down all the time and then just one day, just… bink! “God, I’m a horrible person.” You know? You drive by a forest preserve or a nice park on your way to work. Nine times out of ten, you’re like, “Man that’s a nice… “One of these days, I’m gonna have a picnic “in that forest. “It was nice that they set that land aside. “I’m gonna have a picnic. “Maybe I’m gonna fly one of those fancy kites “that people learn how to… “Maybe that’ll be my hobby, nice kites. The fancy, ornate ones.” And then there’s that one time like, “Man, if I have to hide a body, “that’s the park I would do it in. “That’s the best place. “Yeah, man, chop it up, spread it out, “make sure to get rid of those fingers and the teeth, “’cause how they find them. I watch CSI a whole bunch.” You’re like, “Why are you thinking about hiding a body?” “Well, I don’t know, maybe I would have to kill somebody.” “Why would you have to kill somebody?” “Well, what if somebody hurt my family?” “Now you’re just making a list of justifiable murders.” And then that’s on your way to your work, and you don’t like your job so much. And nine times out of ten now, you’re like, “That’s where I hide bodies. Maybe one of these days, when I’m done hiding these bodies, I’ll learn how to fly that fancy kite I’ve been talking about.” I don’t like those thoughts. I don’t like ’em. It’s just… bink! “You thought this.” “You son of a bitch.” I was in Louisville, Kentucky. I hadn’t been there before. Just walking around, trying to get some lunch. Looking for lunch in all the wrong places. Walking around I saw… It was, it was two black guys, and one of them was holding a white baby. I was like, “They stole that baby.” I didn’t want… It’s not like I put it together. It was like… bink! “That’s what you thought.” “You son of a bitch.” And the irony was, I was on my phone trying to find out if a particular sandwich chain had donated to anti-gay charities, ’cause I’m like, “I cannot support that. “That is hatred, and I will not eat there. “I’ll make my own sandwich. “I’ll go buy bread and meat if I have to, “but I will not support that kind of hatred… “Those guys stole that baby. But I will not go eat at this place.” I didn’t even think that they… Maybe they were gay, ’cause one of them was smoking. I was like, “Gay dads don’t smoke.” That’s not even a thing. That’s what I made up after the other thing that popped in there. “How are you gonna justify “thinking that the two black guys stole the white baby? Why aren’t they just gay guys?” “Well, one of them’s smoking. Gay dads don’t smoke” “Stop making up stereotypes.” I’m disgusted with myself. I went to Seoul, South Korea, last year. I’d never been to Asia. I was just taking in this amazing, amazing city. And I’m just walking around… Bright, sunny day, walking around the market, and just out in the sunshine, and I’m the only one wearing sunglasses. I’m like, “How come I’m the only one wearing sunglasses?” I’m like, “They don’t need them “’cause their eyes are already… “don’t even finish it. “Don’t even finish it. Why is that what’s in here?” And it’s not even, like, a bad… It’s like, you don’t need sunglasses, that’s kind of a nice thing. That’s convenient, but it’s still bad. I’m not any happier about this than you guys are, all right? I’m upset with myself. But that’s what… like, you see people like, “Stereotypes exist for a reason.” “Yeah, ’cause you’re a dickhead. That’s why they exist.” That’s great. “Asians are bad drivers.” Go to Asia. Asians are amazing drivers. They’re just punk rock about it. They just don’t give a shit about the rules when they come over here. There’s a traffic circle with 9,000 people in Seoul, South Korea. No lines, no lights, just whirring. I saw a guy on a scooter with 19 chickens on the back cut off a bus. He didn’t lose the ash off his cigarette. That guy comes over here, you’re like, “You’re not using your signal.” He’s like, “Screw you. “I’ve driven over bombed-out bridges, I can handle a merge.” But redefine that. If you’re Asian, put NASCAR bumper stickers all over the back of your car and just blow some hillbilly’s mind that wants to believe like, “Course he’s a crummy driver, he’s an Asian… “Hold on a second here. What? “Wait, no, this guy’s clearly a fan of the sport. “No, I think this guy knows exactly what’s he’s… “this is some kind of new drafting technique. “We gotta watch this guy. “Call up Dale. Call up Dale. Tell him the Asians are on him now.” You know, there’s a stereotype that black people like to talk in movie theaters. There’s a stereotype that white people are uptight. Kind of proved that one when I said that thing about black people and nobody knew if they could laugh or not. If you’re black and you’re here, please do this. Sit next to the most uptight, white person you can find in the movie theater. Not tough to do. Like, single guys at the movies. The worst. See those guys who are like, “No, you sit two down, you sit three down. No. Gay buffer. Gay buffer.” “Yeah. “Good… good thing you did that, “’cause I was totally waiting for Transformers 3 “to, fuck you. “Now I can’t ’cause of the seats. “Now I can’t blow you during Transformers 3 because of your elaborate scheme.” Sit right next to that dude, and watch him already, like, “Well, there’s plenty… I put those seats here for a reason.” And then say something during the movie, but say something that’s gonna blow the white dude’s mind. That’s how you twist it. You like, you wait until, like, the action gets right at the… at the pinnacle, then you just blurt something out like, “This reminds me of Woody Allen’s earlier work!” And he’s just like… “That’s exactly what I was thinking,” you know? Really let him have it. “This lighting is reminiscent of Kurosawa’s.” “Can we go to the movies all the time?” I think between that and a quality spicy mayonnaise… we’re not gonna solve racism, but we’re gonna shave some of the sharp edges off of it. Spicy mayonnaise? Spicy mayonnaise. You’re the same idiot upset about pho. Of course you’d understand why spicy mayonnaise will unite the races, you’re whiter than I am. All right. Pull it together. Thanks for being here. It was free. What’d you say? Your friends even shut you up there. All right. I had one flight… I was going cross-country, L.A. to New York, And I bought a ticket on Orbitz and I got a direct flight on Orbitz, and that’s not supposed to happen. No. No. Orbitz… It’s a good website, but we’d would be like, “Hey Orbitz, I wanna go from here to that stool,” and Orbitz would be like, “No problem, man. You just gotta go to Denver five times first.” And I like saving $37, so I’m like, “All right. “Go Broncos or whatever. “Let’s see what… let’s see what’s going on in Denver. I don’t know, ’cause I’m gonna save $37.” So I get it and… I get it and I’m excited, but I’m suspicious at the same time ’cause that’s not how it’s supposed to work. And I can’t just have nice things ’cause I was raised Catholic, so everything has some kind of guilt price tag attached to it. Like,” something’s working out. Something bad has to happen. What’s it gonna be?” Like, you just can’t have that, you’re Catholic. “Two sunny days in a row?” “Yeah, but your friend’s gonna die.” “Why? Why can’t things just be nice? Why can’t I just like something and… because it’s nice?” So I get to the airport. I got a lot of trepidation at the airport. I’m thinking maybe the airplane’s gonna be messed up. Like, it’s gonna have, like, one jet engine, one propeller engine. Some kind of Johnny Cash, one-piece-at-a-time assembled aircraft. So I’m inspecting it with all aeronautical knowledge I’ve accrued being a comedian. So I’m, like, in the gate, looking at it. I’m looking under it from the gate. Like, “Yeah, it looks like it’s all right. Looks… looks safe.” I’m telling people like, “It looks safe.” They don’t care. I get to board first. It’s like, “All right. Well, how about this?” I get, you know, I get an aisle seat… “Are you kidding me? I get to stretch the ponies out the whole time? Maybe things are just looking up.” The plane’s boarding. I’m sitting there. Everybody else is coming on. Along come the people that’ll be sitting next to me in my row. They’re two chubby Spaniards… A couple. Spaniards. They were white, but speaking Spanish. They weren’t, like, conquistadors. They weren’t looking for gold, wearing armor. They were just white and speaking Spanish. You don’t know how to comprehend that, “Spaniard” is a fun word to say, the hell with it. We’re calling them Spaniards. And they take their seats. All right. And away we go. Plane taxiing, takes off. In the ascent of the airplane, the Spaniards, wasting no time, that armrest goes up and they start trying to fuck. Just right there. Seats A and B. Seat C, Kyle Kinane. A and B, fucking. Two-thirds, fucking. One-third, Kyle Kinane, not invited to the party, and I’m upset about that. And in their defense, they weren’t, like… There wasn’t just naked butts in the air. They had pulled a big coat up over them, but you know what’s happening under there. There’s movements. They’re not playing cards under there, all right? It’s not like I’m just gonna hear “Uno!” You know, that’s not how it works. I guess I would probably hear “One.” I don’t know how it works with the translation. A little wordplay for you. But… so I’m upset. Right away, I’m like, “No, this is unacceptable, and I do not like this, and I’m upset.” I can see my flight attendant. She’s still strapping. We’re taking off. We’re not even in a place where the flight attendant can even walk around. And I’m like, “I’ve got my speech prepared for her.” I’m like, “You… When we get up there and you get over here and you… ’cause this is not appropriate behavior for air travel.” But exact… What’s she gonna say? I know exactly… she’s gonna come over and be like, “Did you get your ticket on Orbitz?” I’m gonna be like, “Son of a bitch.” $37 of savings right there. $37. And so I gotta sit there and deal with my emotions. I’m forced to deal with this situation. Why am I upset about this? I started to get a little bit easier with it because I got flattered for a second, because that’s premeditated behavior. That’s… you know that you’re gonna do that. You don’t just, like, start on a plane, like, taking off, like, “You feel like having a screw? “Yeah? All right. Good. Good, good. Here we go.” You know, you’re at least at the gate making the eyes, like, “You know. “You know. You know. We go up and then we get down.” So that means they walked on the plane with that knowledge already, meaning they had to go by me and put a judgment on me. They had to walk by and silently be like, “I bet he’s cool with it.” So that got me. That flattered me. I’m like, “I’m a cool guy. I am a cool guy. I don’t want you to think I’m not a cool guy.” I don’t know, maybe they got a bucket list. Number 97, you know? “Screw on a cross-country flight.” I don’t know. But I just realized that I’m not on this Earth to be a goalie. I’m not here to stop somebody from accomplishing their goals. If you’re not hurting anybody, I’m here to either assist or get out of the way. That’s really all it is. That’s really how it should be. They’re not hurting anybody. They’re doing the opposite. Very aggressively, but they’re doing the opposite. So I’ve realized, like, listen… like, listen, I’m gonna put my own theories to the test. I’m gonna let them do what they need to do. I’m gonna be a cool guy about this. But because I’m gonna let them do what they have to do, I’m gonna do what I have to do, which, in this situation, is get wildly drunk and watch the shit out of this. Not like an old-time spy, you know, like, newspaper and fedora. No. Tray table down, elbow posted up, like I’m watching a chess match. So I was like, “Ooh, you’re gonna move the rook? What… ooh, Bobby Fischer’s back in town!” Finally, the flight attendant comes by and she looks over… Like, looks at me, ’cause it’s clear what’s going on… And I was just like, “C’est la vie,” or whatever dumb thing I said to her. And so I was getting my drinks, and so I ordered ’em two at a time. And just… bang, bang. “Look at that over there. That’s a good move. I like that one.” Bang, bang. “How did you… “Now that’s just… I don’t even… Well, good for you.” And eventually, they’re not coming fast enough… the drinks. The Spaniards are doing fine. They’re doing… They’re European. They’re a passionate people. They’re okay. So eventually, I decide I’m going to procure my own beverages. This process starts with a blanket statement I make to the entire cabin of “I’m gonna go to the bar.” Now… if you wanna know how you can tell if you’ve been over-served on an airplane, start with a blanket statement to everyone. And in that statement, include a part of the aircraft that doesn’t exist. “The bar.” I may as well have been like, “I’m gonna take a dip in the hot tub.” Like, it made just as much sense. I get up, I address the people sitting across the aisle from me, who I’ve never spoken to before. But now it’s like we’re old bar buddies, “How we doing? Jimmy, we need a topper? Todd, you good on that?” They’re asleep. They don’t even know. I bumper bowl myself back to the bar, which is just the emergency exit and a cupboard. And I find my flight attendant and I ask for two more drinks. And she… she obliges initially. And she goes in there, and she’s tinkering around. But for some reason, she came back out with the drink, but she had this change of heart from that moment to here, Because she came like… Like just then she realized I pulled an A-ha video down the whole aisle, just slamming into stuff. ‘Cause she brings the drinks out but she’s not presenting them to me, she’s got them locked back here. And she looks at me with this look of concern and she leans in and, like, does that whisper, like she doesn’t want to embarrass me by what she’s about to say. And she just says, “Are you driving?” And I know she meant eventually… but when the world gives you a little gift like that, you don’t let it go to waste. So I put my hands around her hands on the drinks and then I leaned in even closer and I was like, “I hope not. I think we might be on an airplane.” And it was a little one of these, like, who’s joking around with who? And then I got ’em and it was like, “Yeah.” Wink. Point. “Keep it cool, hot stuff.” Whatever I said. And I get back to my seat with my little trophies there, and the Spaniards, they’re just… They’re sitting there. Like, I don’t know if they got busted or they finished or what, but they think they were, like, smooth about it. They had no idea that the “trois” in the menage a trois we were having’s coming back. Third spoke’s rolling by. So they just see this coming up with two drinks sloshing around going, “What? You don’t dismount when the coach isn’t around.” And then sitting… Slam the drinks down like, “Goddamn Orbitz!” And they don’t know what I mean by that. They think I’m just cursing the movement of celestial bodies. I want this to be an art form. I want comedy to be taken as an art form. I feel I put just as much heart and blood, sweat, and tears into this as any musician or any sculptor. And I want it to be appreciated as such. But then I was in a van with my friends not too long ago. And I unsolicitedly just announced… I said, “Hey, guys, these farts are like contractions for the turd baby I’m gonna have later.” And that’s why I’m not an artist. That’s why this is not getting federal funding. There’s not gonna be a grant to perform this in the City Center for the citizens. I can’t believe I made it anywhere creatively though, because I was raised by two loving and supportive parents, and nothing squashes creativity more than unconditional love and support from a functional household. If you have kids, shit on their dreams a little bit. Not all the way, but enough. Give ’em some friction. You need to give ’em something to fight against. I was supposed to be a musician, but I didn’t get that friction. I wanted to be a musician. 16 years old, just, “I’m starting a punk rock band! Screw you guys!” My mom’s like, “You can practice in the basement I’ll make chili dip for your friends.” “No!” So we practiced in the basement. I remember, “This song’s gonna take down the whole Bush regime.” Bass player was like, “Is your mom making that really good chili dip?” “God damn it, Greg! “Would you focus on the anarchy at hand? We only got till 11:00 till we got to shut it down.” Anarchy closes at 11:00 in the suburbs. I’m from the suburbs. I think there’s some credit due to anybody that made it out of the suburbs because that’s a creeping oppression that you don’t realize. It’s not a glaring, clear oppression. I mean, you grow up in the inner city and that’s bullets whizzing over your head. You’re like, “I’m just gonna join a gang and deal drugs, “and I’m gonna get shot right in front of my momma’s house. And that’s how life is in the streets.” But there’s the one guy like, “No, I’m gonna be a playwright, “and I’m gonna take this story to Broadway. And I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna get out of here.” And you grow up in the countryside and you just till the fields, sun up till sun down. And then when you die, they just take your body and they put it right in the field ’cause it’s fertilizer, it makes the corn grow higher. So you’re just like, “Fuck it! I’m gonna be a dancer!” And you move to the big city and you make it as a dancer. But you grow up in the suburbs, and it’s just like, “Well, we can drive around smoking pot, “talking about that philosophy class “that we took at community college. And, you know, if you keep ordering stuff at Denny’s, “they can’t kick you out. “So as long as we… as long as we get, like, coffee… “If we get, like, coffees or French fries, we can just hang out there” until, like… “Holy shit, I’m 35!” You know, you don’t… You don’t realize that it’s right there. I have friends that get surprised when you tell them how many kids they have. “I have three? “I forgot about the little one. I’m 35 now. I’m 35, I just got my own place. Took a while. Some people my age are astronauts. I’m just excited that I get to pee with the door open. Which is what I did at my old place, it just made my roommate sad. Be like, “You’re 35, you think you can close the door?” I’m like, “You’re 40 and living with a guy “that pees with the door open. Maybe you need to get your life together.” “Judge not, lest…” how the rest of that goes. I just like how you get reminded of, like, your own immaturity. Like, I was using one of those accelerator hand dryers… Like, the super high-powered ones… And I realized, if I put my hands just right, I can make a totally wicked fart sound. And right as I perfected the fart sound, I remember like, “Yeah, one of my best friends from high school is a surgeon.” But then I was just like, “That’s too bad. “He’s got no time to make wicked fart sounds “with the hand dryer. “He’s got to scrub up “and get right to the operating room. “Rough life for him. Rough life. He’s missing out.” I don’t know if I got my own place because it’s like, I’m thir… like, that’s what… Like, it was the pressures of, like, societal pressures. Like, “That’s what you do. “You’re 35. You’re a grown man. “You live by yourself and you’re an independent man. “You live by yourself and you start drinking scotch “instead of crappy beer, and you switch back to briefs. “That’s what you do, ’cause you’re a grown man and that’s what grown men do.” Or if I got my own place ’cause I realize I’m about to get the type of weird that I can’t even have people witness on accident anymore. Things are about to get strange and I’m gonna need some solitude for that. And I think it’s much more that. It’s not so much like, “I’m gonna pay my bills on time and read more books.” It’s much more like, “Twizzlers look like they fit in buttholes, and I cannot have somebody walking into the laboratory when Dr. Kyle’s conducting his experiments.” It’s this corkscrew shape. Lick ’em and stick ’em, fellas. Find out about your bodies. It’s 2012. It’s not gay. It’s about loving yourself. It’s okay. A lot of people think Henry David Thoreau went into the woods… Civil disobedience, self-reliance. No. Twizzlers in buttholes. “T” in the “B.” That’s what he needed. Read Walden real close. “T” in the “B.” That is stupid. Man. Hey, you guys ever get so lonely you sleep on your own couch instead of in your own bed ’cause at least that way it feels like you’re laying next to somebody? “Looks like I’m the little spoon again tonight.” Maybe throw an ex-girlfriend’s old t-shirt on a pillow. Not for humping, just for cuddling. Nobody’s weird here. “Loneliness” is a subjective term. You know, it’s… It’s different for everybody. I mean, you’re a castaway on an island. There’s nobody around. That’s lonely, you know? But it could also mean you lack the simple courage to be able to say, “Hello” to somebody sitting next to you on a bus. That’s lonely too, you know? For me, I can define loneliness. I can just hone it in as the very moment that I realized that I had forgotten I was masturbating at a motel in Green Bay, Wisconsin. That’s it. That’s the point. That what I remember. ‘Cause that’s what happens. I’m a comedian. My dream came true. A lot of my dream is just me in a hotel room treating myself like an animal. Just… It’s not even sexual anymore. It’s just, like, an aggressive shooing away of a nuisance at this point. So like I… “Come on, get out of here.” It’s like I’m taking a broom to get raccoons off the porch. Like, “Come on. Just… yah! Yah!” I understand now why a dog can hump something but still look right at you. Like, I understand that. You see a dog, it’s like, “What? “This feels good and you’re my buddy. “What’s… why? “You’re the one making it weird. What? What?” It was. I was just, like, in the shower and there’s a boner. I was like, “Well, roll up your sleeves, you know?” “It’s like shoveling snow at this point. You know what we do. Something you gotta do.” Just dead-eyed, staring at a wall. And I realized that on the shelf there, I’d bought the little size of shampoo… I bought dandruff shampoo on accident. And I saw that and I was like, “I don’t have dandruff.” And I remembered that’s, like, the old Head and Shoulders jingle. ‘Cause I was like, “I don’t have dandruff,” and then, out loud, I just went, “Exactly.” Then I got… And I had a little chuckle. I had a little chuckle to myself. I’m like, “That’s funny. “If you’re making jokes like this and you’re in the shower, “you’re right to go out there and pursue your dreams, Kyle. “You’re on the right path. “You’re doing this stuff in the shower. “You’re cutting yourself up. “You’re doing the right thing with your life. “Anyway, what else… What were we doing? Yeah, well…” Man. It’s good I got my own place, because, like, instead of going to the gym like, I could just stay home and cry now, so that’s pretty awesome. You macho guys crying yet? You doing any of that stuff? Tough guys? Having a good cry? Waylon Jennings, you getting one? I love a good old cry. It’s good for you. Do what you gotta do. Allow that. It’s not good to keep that stuff… do what you do. Pull the drapes, put on a DVD of How To Train Your Dragon, let it out. Let it out. It’s not good to keep all those emotions bottled up inside of you. Now, it’s not great to uncork ’em all at the grocery store at 11:30 at night. But once you’ve allowed yourself these triggers, you don’t know when that magical Linda Ronstadt song is gonna play, and you’re just in the frozen food section like, “We’re doing this here? “We’re doing this here. Okay. “Whoo-hoo-hoo. All right. “Wow. “Stouffer’s frozen dinner for two? “Looks like I’m gonna have leftovers on that one, Yeah, she is gone. All right.” You ever see a TV dinner just abandoned in the beer aisle? Yeah, that’s me. I did that. That’s my street art. Take that, Banksy. I don’t even have to mess up anybody’s wall or nothin’. Just left some Salisbury steaks up top some Coors Lights. I think you get the message. I am… I’m very fortunate. I’m lucky I’m a comedian, ’cause otherwise my life would just be a series of undocumented low points. I don’t know how you guys do it. Hats off to you, really. I mean… Fighting the good fight out there. No, I just try to, like, make sure I learn a lesson from whatever I get into. Get the lesson out of it, you know? Like, I had a very… I had a very particular low point. It was a few months back, and I was at a 7-Eleven buying dinner. And that’s not where you get a staple if you’re in the vicinity of somebody that loves you. I was not. I was in Los Angeles. Nobody loves anybody down there. Nevertheless, I was there, I think even sadder yet is I knew exactly what I wanted too, ’cause I made a beeline right for that little hot dog aquarium that’s on the counter in there. Which is its own metaphor for sadness, ’cause all those meats, they’re all rolling towards you but they’re not gaining any ground. It’s just steamy frustration in there. Like, you could almost hear the hot dog like, “I can see the horizon! We’re gonna make it! No, no, no, no, no!” And… and amongst all the tumbling, sweaty meats, there was one lone Cheeseburger Bite left in there. Which if you don’t know what a Cheeseburger Bite is, I’ma tell you. It’s a cheeseburger, sure, but it’s shaped like a hot dog. Because 7-Eleven’s whole ad campaign right now, I think, is just “Fuck it. “You’re gonna eat it. “You’re gonna eat it. “You’re not gonna eat it? “Free cheese. Told you you’d eat it.” And I don’t know how it came into being, you know? I don’t know if there’s some weird Dr. Moreau-type character in R&D at 7-Eleven that’s just trying to mash shitty foods into one another. Like, “Hot dogs will become cheeseburgers! Cheeseburgers will become hot dogs!” Or if somebody dropped an actual cheeseburger onto that perpetual motion machine, and then just the sheer force of time and movement, it acquired the shape of a hot dog, a lot like how broken glass gets smoothed out and jewel-like if the waves crash on it in the sand. Clearly, I’ve thought about this far too much. But I’m in there and I’m just pointing it out. I’m excited about it. And the midnight clerk at 7-Eleven comes over, a man who should not have hope left for society. He shouldn’t care what anybody does. This guy’s off… He’s off the grid at this point. Even this guy tried to give me an out. Even he tried to, like, stop what he was about to see. See, like, the same… like, when a blackjack dealer sees somebody that’s just wasted, they’re hitting on 20, and even they can’t take it anymore. They’re just like… just like… He gave me one of those. He came over, but he put the question on me, let it be my choice. He just came over and he’s like, “What are you doing? “Look at what you’re doing. What are you doing?” And I just… I didn’t even look up from the plastic. I was just like, “I’m a gambler!” And he didn’t even realize what that meant. But that’s where his face just dropped. He didn’t even use tongs, just grabbed it with his hands. Bun, here you go. I didn’t eat it as much as I made it disappear like a David Blaine illusion. Thing came at me, it was just like, “Crumbs. Magic hands!” Like, one fell swoop. Myarf! Debit card, 1.89. Shoomp, shoomp! Chase rewards points! And I had to get out to the sidewalk before I realized what, like, everything that just happened. Like, I just ate the same dinner as a homeless person, but I didn’t even savor it. I didn’t even appreciate it. And, that was a low point. That was a… that was a Tuesday. And then Wednesday I got a DUI and I went to jail. For the more poetic of you out there, Whiskey Icarus finally flew a little too close to the sun. And, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to jail before, but when you go there, it’s… You get to sit on a little bunk bed without your shoelaces and you get to contemplate your life. You get to ask… say things to yourself like, “Hey, Kyle, “remember when you thought eating that Cheeseburger Bite “was a real low point? “It’s time to recalibrate your definition of fucking up. They took your belt so you don’t hurt yourself.” And I’m not trying to make light of drinking and driving. I made a mistake, I screwed up, but understand that there are grades to that crime. There are degrees to drinking and driving. I got my DUI in Los Angeles. I’m from Chicago, where to get a DUI in Chicago… We got some people. You, clearly, will understand this. You would have to drive through a playground at recess and still fail a field sobriety test. I pulled over on the highway once ’cause even I knew I was too drunk to drive in Chicago. Pulled over, shirt open. Gonna take a nap. Keys in the ignition, ’cause I like to listen to tunes while I slumber. Woke up with police flashlights shining in my face and them just saying, “Let me see your hands!” And my first thing I just blurt out is like, “How’d you guys get in my room?” They let me drive home. Said, “You take this room back to the house that it is a part of.” I got my DUI in Los Angeles, where to get a DUI there, you just have to look like this and be singing classic rock a little too enthusiastically at 1:30 in the morning while going five miles an hour over the speed limit. But I learned my lesson, don’t drink and drive. Also learned my lesson, don’t get your lawyer based off of Yelp reviews. “Well, Darrell from Burbank gave him four stars. “How bad could he be? “Darrell also reviewed the coffee at a Jiffy Lube. “Also four stars. “He doesn’t want to praise too much, “but he wants to be encouraging. I like his style.” I think I’m just gonna start believing in God again. Why not? Not out of any kind of, like, repent or anything. I’m not so… I’m just bored. It’s just a more fun place if you’re agnostic. Like, just leave the “maybe” there, you know? It just more fun. Like, “Why do trees grow so tall?” “Maybe it’s God.” “Is that a guy following us with a knife?” “Maybe it’s a chupacabra.” You know? It just… The world’s a more whimsical place if you get into that. I want to believe in ghosts. Like, that’s why I get maid service. I like to pretend it’s a real courteous poltergeist. “Spirits are real and they made the bed. That was real nice of them.” I believe in Bigfoot. I think Bigfoot’s real, but I think his whole thing is that he… He fucks you while you’re camping. And that’s why the true story never came out. You’re just camping, your tent opens up and you’re like, “Man, it’s Bigfoot.” And he’s just like, “Shh. “Nobody’s gonna believe you, bro. Take off your pants.” That’s why Bigfoot walks like that. All laid back. Just got done fucking. “Shit, there goes Bigfoot! “Looks like he just got his dick wet, yeah! Bigfoot!” That’s the dumbest joke I’ve ever written. I don’t know, I’m just… I’m gonna be agnostic. I was an atheist, but, man, those people are just the worst. They’re just as bad as everybody else. Atheism. Atheism’s just, like… It’s dangerous when you’re a teenager. It’s interesting in college. And after that you’re just a drip that ruins parties by starting everything with, “You seem like an intelligent person.” It’s cool that you have… I just don’t trust anybody that is so positive that… Like, so certain about something you can’t prove, you know, either way. Either… either side you fall on, God or no God. I don’t trust them and I don’t trust people that have confidence without alcohol. I do not trust those people. Somebody that can dance when they’re sober is the scariest person you’ll ever meet. Those should be the first people in line for murder suspects. If you’re… You’re just at a wedding, you see somebody getting really loose. Like, “Man, how many have you had?” “Not a drop since ’97. Don’t like losing control of myself.” “You get outta here, baby eater.” But, yeah, I don’t know. Like, I had this… I had… I guess it’s an epiphany. I don’t know what it was. I was making some IKEA furniture and I wasn’t even using the instructions. So I was just, like, freestyling on it. So that pretty much makes me a carpenter. And so I started like, “Here I am, “just this little bearded guy being a carpenter, “and Jesus is just a little bearded carpenter. “And he just traveled the land “trying to make people happy and better. “Like, I just travel the land trying to make people happy. “And maybe I’ve been a Christian this whole time, “I just didn’t even know it, because you try and live “in a more Christlike way. And that’s what I’ve been doing this whole time.” But then I realized that Jesus probably never called a TV stand a bitch five times and then took a nap to Cheers reruns out of frustration. He would have persevered where I faltered. So that, and some other things, are why I’m not like Jesus. But I have been getting the stigmata a whole lot lately, so that’s been throwing me off. Not traditional, like, holes in the hands and speaking… I’ve just been getting fat and going bald. It’s some Buddhist stigmata… Something. I… I watched this documentary… You guys probably know it up here… Called The Bridge. Yeah, nobody ever cheers if they saw it. They just… For those of you that don’t know, it’s a documentary about all people that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge trying to kill themselves. And it was just… I thought it was a fascinating film ’cause they set up cameras and they caught these people. Well, they didn’t catch ’em, but on film. And they… Yeah, yeah. I did that in San Francisco. Like I understand the why. I understand if you want to take an early exit. Like, if you get to that point in your life where you’re like, “I’m just gonna go to work for the next 40 years. I don’t like this today. 40 years of this?” And right when you kind of get your mind around like, “Maybe it’ll be okay,” a coworker pops by like, “Don’t forget, there’s karaoke every Tuesday!” You’re like, “I’m taking off. No way.” So I understand… I just never understood the how. ‘Cause they show these people. It’s always the same kind of person, just kind of disheveled, dirty sweatpants, shuffling up the edge. A little bit of hemming and hawing, and then just… pfft… Over the side. Just, like, not even one of them wore a cape or anything. It’s the last thing you’re gonna do. Go out with a question mark instead of a period. Let your loved ones… It’s a selfish thing you’re doing. Give your loved ones just, like, a moment of like, “Wha… Really?” I don’t know, you know? Go nice suit, umbrella at the last minute. Mary Poppins theme. Confuse people. Have one last trick up your sleeve, you know? If I get to that point where I’m gonna get outta here, I’m not gonna lose my commitment to the art of performance or personal flair. I will do it. I’m gonna jump off a building. But I’m gonna do it wearing a snorkel mask and flippers. And then right next to where I’m gonna land, I wanna have a little glass of water set up. Because that way, people can wonder, “Did he wanna kill himself or is this just the worst daredevil we’ve ever seen?” There wouldn’t even be a suicide, there’d just be a Post-it on the ledge like, “I think I can make it.” People are like, “Make what? “What was he gonna make? “There’s… “Logistically, this is impo… Maybe he didn’t calculate for wind, I don’t know.” Just allow that much. And then when I do die… I don’t have a lot of goals for my earthly time, but when I do pass, I want either… I want to be cremated, and I want the remains sprinkled on my mother’s living room carpeting with a little plaque that says, “Look who’s not vacuuming now?” It was one of my chores. It’d be like an inside joke. It’d be a cute thing for her. “You want to keep your baby boy close? “I’m right here. “Living room’s only for guests? Well, now I’m the guest. “You take the plastic off the couch. I’m sticking around.” That… or… Your gravestone doesn’t have to be factual. You know that, right? Your grave… that’s yours. Make sure you take advantage of that. That’s yours. Don’t let some uncreative relative just put some schm… “loving father.” You… that guy could have been a dick. You don’t even know. I do want… that’s… If I get that, I wanna have just the little… The tasteful little rectangular, flush with the ground headstones. Nothing fancy. Tasteful font. It’ll just say, “Kyle Christian Kinane. “Born December 23rd, 1976. Died in your arms tonight.” Quotes, “Must have been something you said.” Because listen, that’s not a great joke, all right? But it’s the best one you’re gonna read in a cemetery. And where more do you need a laugh in this world? Kyle Kinane’s got you, even after death. Kyle Kinane, A.D.’s here for you. You’re walking in there, it’s a sad day, maybe you just see that, like, right there, peripheral vision, walking in and you just… “Look at this. “You see this? “It’s ’80s lyrics. “This guy. “It’s that song… “* Died in your arms tonight “This guy. “Come here and look. She’s not going anywhere. “Come here and look at this. “My God. That’s funny. “That is all right. I like that. “No flowers, that’s a sh… “I’m sorry, I’m st… “You don’t get these today. “You earned those today, buddy. That is a funny joke.” Guys, thank you so much. Thank you very much. ** Thanks for watching my show. Unless you chose to watch DVD extras first, in which case, you have strange priorities. I kind of like your style. | How’s it going, San Francisco? Yeah. Man. Thank you for coming. San Francisco… one city where you can ask, “Are we in a dog-friendly lesbian bar or a lesbian-friendly dog bar?” Doesn’t matter, it’s San Francisco. Have a good time. I know you got a lot of choices of what to do with your free time. Thanks for coming to see Uncle Barbecue tell us dum-dum stories for a little while. He’s gonna spin a couple yarns and we’ll all get on to our fun, carefree lifestyles. I think a lot of comedy comes from shared experiences, things that we can relate to. Keeping that in mind, anybody else in here get so drunk last month you had to call a cab just to take you to Wendy’s? Yes! Just a couple? All right. Maybe a couple? Right there. Yeah. Get to that special point in your mid-30s where you realize that drinking responsibly and crying for help just kind of turned into the same thing. A real successful Saturday night home alone, “I want those spicy nuggets! “You’re too drunk to drive. “Well call a cab, ’cause you deserve ’em. I’m doing the right thing. How come it still feels sad?” That’s what I did. I called a cab, and another grown man drove to my house, for money, because that was his job. And he got to my house and I jumped in his cab, and I said this. Don’t do what I did when you get a cab. I just jumped in and I just said, “We’re going on an adventure!” That’s just $80 on the meter right away. They don’t want to be a tour guide. That’s 80 bucks. That’s the Peter Pan tax, is what that is. That’s the same amount of money if I were to just jump in and be like, “Take me to Neverland!” “80 bucks. You smell like you’re probably gonna barf in here, “so we’re starting at 80. Doesn’t matter where you’re going.” And so we drove to the Wendy’s and I made him take me through the drive-thru because I did not trust him not to leave me there. It was fair. He was suspicious of me. I was suspicious of him. It was fair play. But this is where I got in trouble, see, is ’cause he was driving a van cab, which means I had to open the whole side door to place my order. I was like, “Well there’s no way in hell I’m not gonna fall on my ass doing this.” So I had one hand wrapped up in the seatbelt. I was just kind of hanging out the side like a helicopter machine gunner. I was just kind of hanging out. I realized like, “This is how they do “the high-speed ransom exchanges “in the action movies I love so much. I’m gonna Bruce Willis the shit out of this.” So I wasn’t even at the window, I was just hanging out. I was like, “You throw me the nuggets, I’ll throw you the cash!” And the lady working there, she threw me the little bag. She’s gotta cut loose. She’s working late at a Wendy’s, Have some fun with your life. Have some fun with it. So I got the stuff, I’m yelling at the getaway driver… At this point, it’s the “getaway driver.” It’s like, “I got the package, step on it! Go!” But he’s not in it. He’s like, “I cannot go if the door is open. “I cannot drive if the door is open. “It is ille… It’s an illegal thing for me to do with the door open.” I’m like, “But we’re doing a whole thing right now. Where’s your imagination?” But somebody clearly had not taken improv classes in college like some other of us have. “You are not ‘Yes And’-ing right now.” “This other Frosty was gonna be for you, yeah. But you blew it, yeah.” Spent $114.00. Two Frostys and a dozen nuggets… ’cause I’m an American hero. Right now, they’re losing their shit ’cause I spilled on my shirt, and there’s somebody like, “It’s not gonna match! It’s not gonna match! “What do we do? It’s not gonna match. Why didn’t you buy two shirts, Kyle?” I barely need this one. “You got something that will make me look like a sassy janitor?” That’s my… my fashion sense is just the wise, high school janitor. “I think I know a thing or two about love, young man. “Come sit in the closet with me. I’ll tell you all about it. Fuck it, we’re going for it. I shouldn’t even be alive. I know, you look at my life on paper, you’re like, “This is an obituary. This guy’s…” Like, “You should cherish life. Every day as a gift!” Yeah, keep the receipt on some of those. I’m gonna return some of those for store credit. I don’t… like, at least three times a week, I will microwave food, grab it with my hands, think,” This is burning my flesh!” And then immediately think, “Well, then quick, put it in your mouth!” That’s not a blueprint for survival. That’s not how you stick around. I just eat… I eat garbage. I eat the same way Doc Brown fuels the DeLorean at the end of Back to the Future. “Did somebody hit a trash can with a time machine?” “What? I’m making lunch. What are you talking about? “What? “Vitamins? Where we’re going, we don’t need vitamins.” I’ll eat, like, a big bowl of pho and follow it up with sugar-free Red Bull ’cause I don’t care about myself. For those of you… If you don’t know what pho is, it’s a Vietnamese soup that answers the question, “What happens when a former child soldier pours hot rainwater over fish nightmares?” It’s delicious and I can’t stop eating it. That’s what happens. That’s what happens. And for those of you that know what it is, you think I’m saying it wrong. It’s spelled P-H-O and people are like, “It’s pronounced ‘fuh,'” and they get all upset. “It’s pronounced ‘fuh.'” I don’t care. I’m already eating it. What more do you want from me? I’m guaranteeing there’s nobody in Saigon right now going, “It’s pronounced “meatball sandwich,’ don’t be culturally insensitive.” So I’m going to continue to support the Vietnamese community by eating pho all the time instead of just correcting people’s pronunciation of it. You think about that when you crash your fixed-gear bicycle on the way home. “It’s a fixed-gear. You can’t stop pedaling.” Sounds broken to me, dumb-ass. I rally against hipsters. I shouldn’t. If… If you’re a hip… That’s fine. Be a hipster. It’s okay. You’re 22. You’re supposed to be an asshole. Just don’t get so embedded in it that you become, like, hipster Serpico. That you don’t know… Then all of a sudden, you’re 26, you got, like, a Golden Girls neck tattoo and you’re on a unicycle. And somebody’s like, “What do you really like?” You’re like, “I don’t even know anymore!” You know, don’t… Don’t become so entrenched that you forgot that you’re a human being in 2012. None of that’s gonna go on the special. I just got pissed because people were making fun of how I said “pho.” I’ve learned that optimism and stupidity are two sides of the same coin. I learned that one trying to change my pants without taking my shoes off. Too many mornings go like that. “Just make the ballerina toes, Kyle. “Make the ballerina toes. “You got… you’re gonna shave a good 30 seconds off “your getting-ready time. Make the ballerina toes.” Didn’t work. Cramped up. Cramped up. Spent 20 minutes jammed up in a pair of jeans. “You’re wearing slip-ons, stupid. You could have figured this one out.” I’ll double-check scratch-off tickets I find on the sidewalk, ’cause I think anybody that plays scratch-off tickets is stupid. Stupid enough to discard a winning ticket. “You fools are throwing your money away. “Ooh, hold on, what’s here? Free ticket? That’s like a dollar gift certificate for hope.” I thought I had it all figured out for a while there, then I was delivered an unsliced pizza. Boo! Everything you believe in just unravels. Everything you hold true. To some people, it sounds like a simple mistake. Not me. I took it personally. I was like, that’s somebody down at Dominos making a judgment call on my life. That’s somebody seeing my name come up on one too many tickets and finally just being like, “Listen, man… “we know that you’re probably gonna eat this by yourself. “More than likely, all in one sitting too, so… “You know what to do, man. Just fold it in half and… bon appetit.” Just ’cause they were right, I didn’t appreciate the assumption. “You don’t know me, Dominos!” Plumph! “This giant taco tastes like Italy!” I’m trying to be more tolerant, you know? I’m trying… There’s too many… Everybody’s got their own thing going on. It’s a waste of time to not be open-minded at a lot of these things. I’m trying to be tolerant, but it’s difficult. The tolerance, it’s tested, routinely. I was on a flight going from Denver to Chicago, and halfway through my flight… Midair, 35,000 feet… The guy sitting next to me starts eating pancakes out of a bag. Not, like, a Ziploc bag with, like, a little seal and, like, a, “Hey, I meant to do this” vibe. Like a bag from the store. Not a store that sold pancakes. See, I’m saying like a Foot Locker bag. You get me? They’re just loose. They’re just loose in there. They’re like bingo balls… Just loose. And there’s nothing wrong with what he was doing, morally speaking. But you gotta realize that if you do some wackadoo shit like eat pancakes out of a shoe store bag on an airplane, you’re forcing strangers around you into a world of questions they never anticipated they would ever have to ask. First off, “Wha… how… What?… ” First off, all the questions. All of them. First off, every question. “Why are you… why? “How did you get to this point in your life? Where are you going?” Because… like, there… That’s not… How do you wind up… If you’re on an airplane you’re on there with purpose. You are fighting gravity to travel through the sky to land on another part of the Earth’s crust. Nobody’s, like, waking up casually like Amelia Earhart, like, “I think I’ll take to the skies today.” You have purpose. You have reason to fight nature to go somewhere else. How do you have that purpose in your life but still do it with hastily-packed hobo snacks in your midst? That’s not how you catch a plane. You’re not like, “Is this one going southbound? “Haven’t seen Grapefruit Joe in a while. Drop in, we’ll share some beans.” That’s not how you catch a plane. Usually, getting to an airport, that’s your number one priority in the day. “I don’t care what happens, I’m gonna get to that airport. “You can cut… I’ll lose a hand. “I’ll fix it when I get there. Just get me to the airport.” This guy, it was number four or five on his list. This guy was like, “I know I got a flight, but it is Tuesday, “and you know what happens on Tuesday. “Silver-dollar flappies, that’s what happens. “Tuesday is silver-dollar flapjack day. “A lot of people say, ‘Hey, “how come you make the silver dollar ones?’ “I make ’em that way… I don’t make ’em full size. “I make them smaller ’cause I can eat more of them “and I can get more of a sense of accomplishment. “And so I like to do that. “And that’s a lot of batter over there, “but I’ll freeze it up. I don’t have to eat them all. “But I’ll make them all and I’ll freeze them “in Ziploc bags, and when I need them, “I’ll just have them ready. What time is it? “Shit, I gotta go! “What’s around? “Well, I did buy some new shoes the other day. “Foot Locker bag. Shovel, shovel. “Knot, bindle, boxcar, airport. Made it.” And he got on the plane. He’s on the plane, meaning we went through security. He went through an X-ray machine. His stuff went through. Pancakes got X-rayed that day. A TSA agent, somebody with a badge and responsibility. And if they were fulfilling even a fiber of their requirements of keeping the skies safe, somebody had to at least just, like, mumble something like, “Um, sir, I’m s… um… “is this a bag of pancakes? “It… It is. “O-Ok… yeah. “Yeah. “It’s pan… pancakes, yeah. “Well, I’ve never dealt with it before either. “I’m gonna say go ahead. “I don’t know. I don’t know. “We might get an earful for this, but right now, bon voyage, that’s what I’m gonna say.” And when you eat pancakes out of a bag in a semi-public place, there are rules. First off, let people know what you’re getting into. Make a little announcement. “Hey, everybody, I got a bag of pancakes over here. Don’t get freaked out.” Offer ’em around. Don’t… you don’t have to go front and back, just same row. Don’t worry, nobody’s taking any. It’s just a gesture. “See, they are, in fact, pancakes. “Would you care for some? No? I understand.” Then, when you go to eat them… With your hands, ’cause my man did not have fork and knife on his person… You eat them one at a time. Driver’s ed style, 10:00 and 2:00. You take a little nibble out of 12:00, and you hold it in your lap until you’re ready for another bite. You follow those rules, go crazy. Hell, I like your style. Way to usurp inflated airport pricing. “No, I got my own.” Good move. This fucking guy… he starts off… He’s just rustling around under there. He’s just rustling. You can’t rustle on an airplane in this day. It’s suspicious. He’s rustling, he’s kicking up odors. Now we got people… “Is that breakfast? I smell breakfast.” You’re not supposed to smell food on a domestic flight. All it takes is one paranoid weirdo to be like, “I think hydraulic fluid smells like breakfast! We’re going down!” Now we’re all in a panic, ’cause you don’t know what hydraulic fluid smells like. He gets the bag out, rips it open with a confidence like, “Yeah, I’m eating all these bitches.” Rips it open, starts rooting around in there, doing this cotton candy thing. Rooting around, but he’s not looking in the bag. He’s looking up and off into the distance with this look of glazed determination on his face. The kind of look you only see on the faces of people that are neck-deep in swamp water ’cause they’re gonna catch a catfish with their bare hands. You know, just like… “We gonna get ’em!” Pulls his hand out, he’s got two or three just in a grip, in a fist. He’s not going discreet, under the chin. He’s not going like, “Hey, I’m sorry for this,” under the chin. He’s going over the top, just, like, ’93 Jordan layup style, just, “Haa!” Dropping ’em in, then looking around with an attitude after each bite, like, “Snack time, motherfuckers! Boom! Jealous much?” Are you shitting me? I’m a Delta Gold member. I gotta sit next to this? No syrup? You go straight to hell! ‘Cause I don’t know where you’d get syrup in a situation like this. Probably another bag, seeing as how this dude operates. But even then, unwritten rules of decent society state you open up that bag of syrup, you pour it into your original bag of pancakes, and you tie it off nice and tight and shake it around for even coverage. ‘Cause you might be making a bit of mess, but at least people are like, “Well, he’s not gonna eat them dry like a psychopath.” Why is this what I’m upset about? Why are these the things that anger me? There’s bigger problems in the world. I got a blank fortune cookie. That’ll fuck up your whole day. You don’t know what it means. Somebody with common sense would just be like, “Maybe the paper wasn’t aligned right, it didn’t… ” Not me, I’m like, “That’s Confucius himself weighing in.” That’s Confucius. His advice is “I got nothing for you man. You are on your own.” Or maybe this is some Jason Bourne-type stuff. Maybe this is how they let the super spies know they’re activated. I don’t know, I watch too many movies. I crack that open, I’m like, “I must be activated. “I’m a super spy. “That means I know all kinds of martial arts and foreign languages.” So I start yelling in what I assume to be Mandarin. It seems appropriate, given my surroundings. Becomes very apparent right away all I know is remedial Spanish, which at least they understand it because I’m having this outburst at a Panda Express in east L.A. Some guy behind the counter like, “What’s wrong with white boy? Why does he keep yelling about where the library is?” Meanwhile, I’m just making a mess like, “Donde esta la biblioteca? Krav Maga!” Bang! Kicking over lunches. Then I just go to apologize, buy combo B platters for everybody. Lo siento, lo siento. No soy Jason Bourne. Lo siento. The worst are, like, the thoughts that you don’t… Like, the stuff that just pops in your head. You’re like, “Why? Why is that who I am?” Just the scary stuff. The scary stuff that you just keep pushed down all the time and then just one day, just… bink! “God, I’m a horrible person.” You know? You drive by a forest preserve or a nice park on your way to work. Nine times out of ten, you’re like, “Man that’s a nice… “One of these days, I’m gonna have a picnic “in that forest. “It was nice that they set that land aside. “I’m gonna have a picnic. “Maybe I’m gonna fly one of those fancy kites “that people learn how to… “Maybe that’ll be my hobby, nice kites. The fancy, ornate ones.” And then there’s that one time like, “Man, if I have to hide a body, “that’s the park I would do it in. “That’s the best place. “Yeah, man, chop it up, spread it out, “make sure to get rid of those fingers and the teeth, “’cause how they find them. I watch CSI a whole bunch.” You’re like, “Why are you thinking about hiding a body?” “Well, I don’t know, maybe I would have to kill somebody.” “Why would you have to kill somebody?” “Well, what if somebody hurt my family?” “Now you’re just making a list of justifiable murders.” And then that’s on your way to your work, and you don’t like your job so much. And nine times out of ten now, you’re like, “That’s where I hide bodies. Maybe one of these days, when I’m done hiding these bodies, I’ll learn how to fly that fancy kite I’ve been talking about.” I don’t like those thoughts. I don’t like ’em. It’s just… bink! “You thought this.” “You son of a bitch.” I was in Louisville, Kentucky. I hadn’t been there before. Just walking around, trying to get some lunch. Looking for lunch in all the wrong places. Walking around I saw… It was, it was two black guys, and one of them was holding a white baby. I was like, “They stole that baby.” I didn’t want… It’s not like I put it together. It was like… bink! “That’s what you thought.” “You son of a bitch.” And the irony was, I was on my phone trying to find out if a particular sandwich chain had donated to anti-gay charities, ’cause I’m like, “I cannot support that. “That is hatred, and I will not eat there. “I’ll make my own sandwich. “I’ll go buy bread and meat if I have to, “but I will not support that kind of hatred… “Those guys stole that baby. But I will not go eat at this place.” I didn’t even think that they… Maybe they were gay, ’cause one of them was smoking. I was like, “Gay dads don’t smoke.” That’s not even a thing. That’s what I made up after the other thing that popped in there. “How are you gonna justify “thinking that the two black guys stole the white baby? Why aren’t they just gay guys?” “Well, one of them’s smoking. Gay dads don’t smoke” “Stop making up stereotypes.” I’m disgusted with myself. I went to Seoul, South Korea, last year. I’d never been to Asia. I was just taking in this amazing, amazing city. And I’m just walking around… Bright, sunny day, walking around the market, and just out in the sunshine, and I’m the only one wearing sunglasses. I’m like, “How come I’m the only one wearing sunglasses?” I’m like, “They don’t need them “’cause their eyes are already… “don’t even finish it. “Don’t even finish it. Why is that what’s in here?” And it’s not even, like, a bad… It’s like, you don’t need sunglasses, that’s kind of a nice thing. That’s convenient, but it’s still bad. I’m not any happier about this than you guys are, all right? I’m upset with myself. But that’s what… like, you see people like, “Stereotypes exist for a reason.” “Yeah, ’cause you’re a dickhead. That’s why they exist.” That’s great. “Asians are bad drivers.” Go to Asia. Asians are amazing drivers. They’re just punk rock about it. They just don’t give a shit about the rules when they come over here. There’s a traffic circle with 9,000 people in Seoul, South Korea. No lines, no lights, just whirring. I saw a guy on a scooter with 19 chickens on the back cut off a bus. He didn’t lose the ash off his cigarette. That guy comes over here, you’re like, “You’re not using your signal.” He’s like, “Screw you. “I’ve driven over bombed-out bridges, I can handle a merge.” But redefine that. If you’re Asian, put NASCAR bumper stickers all over the back of your car and just blow some hillbilly’s mind that wants to believe like, “Course he’s a crummy driver, he’s an Asian… “Hold on a second here. What? “Wait, no, this guy’s clearly a fan of the sport. “No, I think this guy knows exactly what’s he’s… “this is some kind of new drafting technique. “We gotta watch this guy. “Call up Dale. Call up Dale. Tell him the Asians are on him now.” You know, there’s a stereotype that black people like to talk in movie theaters. There’s a stereotype that white people are uptight. Kind of proved that one when I said that thing about black people and nobody knew if they could laugh or not. If you’re black and you’re here, please do this. Sit next to the most uptight, white person you can find in the movie theater. Not tough to do. Like, single guys at the movies. The worst. See those guys who are like, “No, you sit two down, you sit three down. No. Gay buffer. Gay buffer.” “Yeah. “Good… good thing you did that, “’cause I was totally waiting for Transformers 3 “to, fuck you. “Now I can’t ’cause of the seats. “Now I can’t blow you during Transformers 3 because of your elaborate scheme.” Sit right next to that dude, and watch him already, like, “Well, there’s plenty… I put those seats here for a reason.” And then say something during the movie, but say something that’s gonna blow the white dude’s mind. That’s how you twist it. You like, you wait until, like, the action gets right at the… at the pinnacle, then you just blurt something out like, “This reminds me of Woody Allen’s earlier work!” And he’s just like… “That’s exactly what I was thinking,” you know? Really let him have it. “This lighting is reminiscent of Kurosawa’s.” “Can we go to the movies all the time?” I think between that and a quality spicy mayonnaise… we’re not gonna solve racism, but we’re gonna shave some of the sharp edges off of it. Spicy mayonnaise? Spicy mayonnaise. You’re the same idiot upset about pho. Of course you’d understand why spicy mayonnaise will unite the races, you’re whiter than I am. All right. Pull it together. Thanks for being here. It was free. What’d you say? Your friends even shut you up there. All right. I had one flight… I was going cross-country, L.A. to New York, And I bought a ticket on Orbitz and I got a direct flight on Orbitz, and that’s not supposed to happen. No. No. Orbitz… It’s a good website, but we’d would be like, “Hey Orbitz, I wanna go from here to that stool,” and Orbitz would be like, “No problem, man. You just gotta go to Denver five times first.” And I like saving $37, so I’m like, “All right. “Go Broncos or whatever. “Let’s see what… let’s see what’s going on in Denver. I don’t know, ’cause I’m gonna save $37.” So I get it and… I get it and I’m excited, but I’m suspicious at the same time ’cause that’s not how it’s supposed to work. And I can’t just have nice things ’cause I was raised Catholic, so everything has some kind of guilt price tag attached to it. Like,” something’s working out. Something bad has to happen. What’s it gonna be?” Like, you just can’t have that, you’re Catholic. “Two sunny days in a row?” “Yeah, but your friend’s gonna die.” “Why? Why can’t things just be nice? Why can’t I just like something and… because it’s nice?” So I get to the airport. I got a lot of trepidation at the airport. I’m thinking maybe the airplane’s gonna be messed up. Like, it’s gonna have, like, one jet engine, one propeller engine. Some kind of Johnny Cash, one-piece-at-a-time assembled aircraft. So I’m inspecting it with all aeronautical knowledge I’ve accrued being a comedian. So I’m, like, in the gate, looking at it. I’m looking under it from the gate. Like, “Yeah, it looks like it’s all right. Looks… looks safe.” I’m telling people like, “It looks safe.” They don’t care. I get to board first. It’s like, “All right. Well, how about this?” I get, you know, I get an aisle seat… “Are you kidding me? I get to stretch the ponies out the whole time? Maybe things are just looking up.” The plane’s boarding. I’m sitting there. Everybody else is coming on. Along come the people that’ll be sitting next to me in my row. They’re two chubby Spaniards… A couple. Spaniards. They were white, but speaking Spanish. They weren’t, like, conquistadors. They weren’t looking for gold, wearing armor. They were just white and speaking Spanish. You don’t know how to comprehend that, “Spaniard” is a fun word to say, the hell with it. We’re calling them Spaniards. And they take their seats. All right. And away we go. Plane taxiing, takes off. In the ascent of the airplane, the Spaniards, wasting no time, that armrest goes up and they start trying to fuck. Just right there. Seats A and B. Seat C, Kyle Kinane. A and B, fucking. Two-thirds, fucking. One-third, Kyle Kinane, not invited to the party, and I’m upset about that. And in their defense, they weren’t, like… There wasn’t just naked butts in the air. They had pulled a big coat up over them, but you know what’s happening under there. There’s movements. They’re not playing cards under there, all right? It’s not like I’m just gonna hear “Uno!” You know, that’s not how it works. I guess I would probably hear “One.” I don’t know how it works with the translation. A little wordplay for you. But… so I’m upset. Right away, I’m like, “No, this is unacceptable, and I do not like this, and I’m upset.” I can see my flight attendant. She’s still strapping. We’re taking off. We’re not even in a place where the flight attendant can even walk around. And I’m like, “I’ve got my speech prepared for her.” I’m like, “You… When we get up there and you get over here and you… ’cause this is not appropriate behavior for air travel.” But exact… What’s she gonna say? I know exactly… she’s gonna come over and be like, “Did you get your ticket on Orbitz?” I’m gonna be like, “Son of a bitch.” $37 of savings right there. $37. And so I gotta sit there and deal with my emotions. I’m forced to deal with this situation. Why am I upset about this? I started to get a little bit easier with it because I got flattered for a second, because that’s premeditated behavior. That’s… you know that you’re gonna do that. You don’t just, like, start on a plane, like, taking off, like, “You feel like having a screw? “Yeah? All right. Good. Good, good. Here we go.” You know, you’re at least at the gate making the eyes, like, “You know. “You know. You know. We go up and then we get down.” So that means they walked on the plane with that knowledge already, meaning they had to go by me and put a judgment on me. They had to walk by and silently be like, “I bet he’s cool with it.” So that got me. That flattered me. I’m like, “I’m a cool guy. I am a cool guy. I don’t want you to think I’m not a cool guy.” I don’t know, maybe they got a bucket list. Number 97, you know? “Screw on a cross-country flight.” I don’t know. But I just realized that I’m not on this Earth to be a goalie. I’m not here to stop somebody from accomplishing their goals. If you’re not hurting anybody, I’m here to either assist or get out of the way. That’s really all it is. That’s really how it should be. They’re not hurting anybody. They’re doing the opposite. Very aggressively, but they’re doing the opposite. So I’ve realized, like, listen… like, listen, I’m gonna put my own theories to the test. I’m gonna let them do what they need to do. I’m gonna be a cool guy about this. But because I’m gonna let them do what they have to do, I’m gonna do what I have to do, which, in this situation, is get wildly drunk and watch the shit out of this. Not like an old-time spy, you know, like, newspaper and fedora. No. Tray table down, elbow posted up, like I’m watching a chess match. So I was like, “Ooh, you’re gonna move the rook? What… ooh, Bobby Fischer’s back in town!” Finally, the flight attendant comes by and she looks over… Like, looks at me, ’cause it’s clear what’s going on… And I was just like, “C’est la vie,” or whatever dumb thing I said to her. And so I was getting my drinks, and so I ordered ’em two at a time. And just… bang, bang. “Look at that over there. That’s a good move. I like that one.” Bang, bang. “How did you… “Now that’s just… I don’t even… Well, good for you.” And eventually, they’re not coming fast enough… the drinks. The Spaniards are doing fine. They’re doing… They’re European. They’re a passionate people. They’re okay. So eventually, I decide I’m going to procure my own beverages. This process starts with a blanket statement I make to the entire cabin of “I’m gonna go to the bar.” Now… if you wanna know how you can tell if you’ve been over-served on an airplane, start with a blanket statement to everyone. And in that statement, include a part of the aircraft that doesn’t exist. “The bar.” I may as well have been like, “I’m gonna take a dip in the hot tub.” Like, it made just as much sense. I get up, I address the people sitting across the aisle from me, who I’ve never spoken to before. But now it’s like we’re old bar buddies, “How we doing? Jimmy, we need a topper? Todd, you good on that?” They’re asleep. They don’t even know. I bumper bowl myself back to the bar, which is just the emergency exit and a cupboard. And I find my flight attendant and I ask for two more drinks. And she… she obliges initially. And she goes in there, and she’s tinkering around. But for some reason, she came back out with the drink, but she had this change of heart from that moment to here, Because she came like… Like just then she realized I pulled an A-ha video down the whole aisle, just slamming into stuff. ‘Cause she brings the drinks out but she’s not presenting them to me, she’s got them locked back here. And she looks at me with this look of concern and she leans in and, like, does that whisper, like she doesn’t want to embarrass me by what she’s about to say. And she just says, “Are you driving?” And I know she meant eventually… but when the world gives you a little gift like that, you don’t let it go to waste. So I put my hands around her hands on the drinks and then I leaned in even closer and I was like, “I hope not. I think we might be on an airplane.” And it was a little one of these, like, who’s joking around with who? And then I got ’em and it was like, “Yeah.” Wink. Point. “Keep it cool, hot stuff.” Whatever I said. And I get back to my seat with my little trophies there, and the Spaniards, they’re just… They’re sitting there. Like, I don’t know if they got busted or they finished or what, but they think they were, like, smooth about it. They had no idea that the “trois” in the menage a trois we were having’s coming back. Third spoke’s rolling by. So they just see this coming up with two drinks sloshing around going, “What? You don’t dismount when the coach isn’t around.” And then sitting… Slam the drinks down like, “Goddamn Orbitz!” And they don’t know what I mean by that. They think I’m just cursing the movement of celestial bodies. I want this to be an art form. I want comedy to be taken as an art form. I feel I put just as much heart and blood, sweat, and tears into this as any musician or any sculptor. And I want it to be appreciated as such. But then I was in a van with my friends not too long ago. And I unsolicitedly just announced… I said, “Hey, guys, these farts are like contractions for the turd baby I’m gonna have later.” And that’s why I’m not an artist. That’s why this is not getting federal funding. There’s not gonna be a grant to perform this in the City Center for the citizens. I can’t believe I made it anywhere creatively though, because I was raised by two loving and supportive parents, and nothing squashes creativity more than unconditional love and support from a functional household. If you have kids, shit on their dreams a little bit. Not all the way, but enough. Give ’em some friction. You need to give ’em something to fight against. I was supposed to be a musician, but I didn’t get that friction. I wanted to be a musician. 16 years old, just, “I’m starting a punk rock band! Screw you guys!” My mom’s like, “You can practice in the basement I’ll make chili dip for your friends.” “No!” So we practiced in the basement. I remember, “This song’s gonna take down the whole Bush regime.” Bass player was like, “Is your mom making that really good chili dip?” “God damn it, Greg! “Would you focus on the anarchy at hand? We only got till 11:00 till we got to shut it down.” Anarchy closes at 11:00 in the suburbs. I’m from the suburbs. I think there’s some credit due to anybody that made it out of the suburbs because that’s a creeping oppression that you don’t realize. It’s not a glaring, clear oppression. I mean, you grow up in the inner city and that’s bullets whizzing over your head. You’re like, “I’m just gonna join a gang and deal drugs, “and I’m gonna get shot right in front of my momma’s house. And that’s how life is in the streets.” But there’s the one guy like, “No, I’m gonna be a playwright, “and I’m gonna take this story to Broadway. And I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna get out of here.” And you grow up in the countryside and you just till the fields, sun up till sun down. And then when you die, they just take your body and they put it right in the field ’cause it’s fertilizer, it makes the corn grow higher. So you’re just like, “Fuck it! I’m gonna be a dancer!” And you move to the big city and you make it as a dancer. But you grow up in the suburbs, and it’s just like, “Well, we can drive around smoking pot, “talking about that philosophy class “that we took at community college. And, you know, if you keep ordering stuff at Denny’s, “they can’t kick you out. “So as long as we… as long as we get, like, coffee… “If we get, like, coffees or French fries, we can just hang out there” until, like… “Holy shit, I’m 35!” You know, you don’t… You don’t realize that it’s right there. I have friends that get surprised when you tell them how many kids they have. “I have three? “I forgot about the little one. I’m 35 now. I’m 35, I just got my own place. Took a while. Some people my age are astronauts. I’m just excited that I get to pee with the door open. Which is what I did at my old place, it just made my roommate sad. Be like, “You’re 35, you think you can close the door?” I’m like, “You’re 40 and living with a guy “that pees with the door open. Maybe you need to get your life together.” “Judge not, lest…” how the rest of that goes. I just like how you get reminded of, like, your own immaturity. Like, I was using one of those accelerator hand dryers… Like, the super high-powered ones… And I realized, if I put my hands just right, I can make a totally wicked fart sound. And right as I perfected the fart sound, I remember like, “Yeah, one of my best friends from high school is a surgeon.” But then I was just like, “That’s too bad. “He’s got no time to make wicked fart sounds “with the hand dryer. “He’s got to scrub up “and get right to the operating room. “Rough life for him. Rough life. He’s missing out.” I don’t know if I got my own place because it’s like, I’m thir… like, that’s what… Like, it was the pressures of, like, societal pressures. Like, “That’s what you do. “You’re 35. You’re a grown man. “You live by yourself and you’re an independent man. “You live by yourself and you start drinking scotch “instead of crappy beer, and you switch back to briefs. “That’s what you do, ’cause you’re a grown man and that’s what grown men do.” Or if I got my own place ’cause I realize I’m about to get the type of weird that I can’t even have people witness on accident anymore. Things are about to get strange and I’m gonna need some solitude for that. And I think it’s much more that. It’s not so much like, “I’m gonna pay my bills on time and read more books.” It’s much more like, “Twizzlers look like they fit in buttholes, and I cannot have somebody walking into the laboratory when Dr. Kyle’s conducting his experiments.” It’s this corkscrew shape. Lick ’em and stick ’em, fellas. Find out about your bodies. It’s 2012. It’s not gay. It’s about loving yourself. It’s okay. A lot of people think Henry David Thoreau went into the woods… Civil disobedience, self-reliance. No. Twizzlers in buttholes. “T” in the “B.” That’s what he needed. Read Walden real close. “T” in the “B.” That is stupid. Man. Hey, you guys ever get so lonely you sleep on your own couch instead of in your own bed ’cause at least that way it feels like you’re laying next to somebody? “Looks like I’m the little spoon again tonight.” Maybe throw an ex-girlfriend’s old t-shirt on a pillow. Not for humping, just for cuddling. Nobody’s weird here. “Loneliness” is a subjective term. You know, it’s… It’s different for everybody. I mean, you’re a castaway on an island. There’s nobody around. That’s lonely, you know? But it could also mean you lack the simple courage to be able to say, “Hello” to somebody sitting next to you on a bus. That’s lonely too, you know? For me, I can define loneliness. I can just hone it in as the very moment that I realized that I had forgotten I was masturbating at a motel in Green Bay, Wisconsin. That’s it. That’s the point. That what I remember. ‘Cause that’s what happens. I’m a comedian. My dream came true. A lot of my dream is just me in a hotel room treating myself like an animal. Just… It’s not even sexual anymore. It’s just, like, an aggressive shooing away of a nuisance at this point. So like I… “Come on, get out of here.” It’s like I’m taking a broom to get raccoons off the porch. Like, “Come on. Just… yah! Yah!” I understand now why a dog can hump something but still look right at you. Like, I understand that. You see a dog, it’s like, “What? “This feels good and you’re my buddy. “What’s… why? “You’re the one making it weird. What? What?” It was. I was just, like, in the shower and there’s a boner. I was like, “Well, roll up your sleeves, you know?” “It’s like shoveling snow at this point. You know what we do. Something you gotta do.” Just dead-eyed, staring at a wall. And I realized that on the shelf there, I’d bought the little size of shampoo… I bought dandruff shampoo on accident. And I saw that and I was like, “I don’t have dandruff.” And I remembered that’s, like, the old Head and Shoulders jingle. ‘Cause I was like, “I don’t have dandruff,” and then, out loud, I just went, “Exactly.” Then I got… And I had a little chuckle. I had a little chuckle to myself. I’m like, “That’s funny. “If you’re making jokes like this and you’re in the shower, “you’re right to go out there and pursue your dreams, Kyle. “You’re on the right path. “You’re doing this stuff in the shower. “You’re cutting yourself up. “You’re doing the right thing with your life. “Anyway, what else… What were we doing? Yeah, well…” Man. It’s good I got my own place, because, like, instead of going to the gym like, I could just stay home and cry now, so that’s pretty awesome. You macho guys crying yet? You doing any of that stuff? Tough guys? Having a good cry? Waylon Jennings, you getting one? I love a good old cry. It’s good for you. Do what you gotta do. Allow that. It’s not good to keep that stuff… do what you do. Pull the drapes, put on a DVD of How To Train Your Dragon, let it out. Let it out. It’s not good to keep all those emotions bottled up inside of you. Now, it’s not great to uncork ’em all at the grocery store at 11:30 at night. But once you’ve allowed yourself these triggers, you don’t know when that magical Linda Ronstadt song is gonna play, and you’re just in the frozen food section like, “We’re doing this here? “We’re doing this here. Okay. “Whoo-hoo-hoo. All right. “Wow. “Stouffer’s frozen dinner for two? “Looks like I’m gonna have leftovers on that one, Yeah, she is gone. All right.” You ever see a TV dinner just abandoned in the beer aisle? Yeah, that’s me. I did that. That’s my street art. Take that, Banksy. I don’t even have to mess up anybody’s wall or nothin’. Just left some Salisbury steaks up top some Coors Lights. I think you get the message. I am… I’m very fortunate. I’m lucky I’m a comedian, ’cause otherwise my life would just be a series of undocumented low points. I don’t know how you guys do it. Hats off to you, really. I mean… Fighting the good fight out there. No, I just try to, like, make sure I learn a lesson from whatever I get into. Get the lesson out of it, you know? Like, I had a very… I had a very particular low point. It was a few months back, and I was at a 7-Eleven buying dinner. And that’s not where you get a staple if you’re in the vicinity of somebody that loves you. I was not. I was in Los Angeles. Nobody loves anybody down there. Nevertheless, I was there, I think even sadder yet is I knew exactly what I wanted too, ’cause I made a beeline right for that little hot dog aquarium that’s on the counter in there. Which is its own metaphor for sadness, ’cause all those meats, they’re all rolling towards you but they’re not gaining any ground. It’s just steamy frustration in there. Like, you could almost hear the hot dog like, “I can see the horizon! We’re gonna make it! No, no, no, no, no!” And… and amongst all the tumbling, sweaty meats, there was one lone Cheeseburger Bite left in there. Which if you don’t know what a Cheeseburger Bite is, I’ma tell you. It’s a cheeseburger, sure, but it’s shaped like a hot dog. Because 7-Eleven’s whole ad campaign right now, I think, is just “Fuck it. “You’re gonna eat it. “You’re gonna eat it. “You’re not gonna eat it? “Free cheese. Told you you’d eat it.” And I don’t know how it came into being, you know? I don’t know if there’s some weird Dr. Moreau-type character in R&D at 7-Eleven that’s just trying to mash shitty foods into one another. Like, “Hot dogs will become cheeseburgers! Cheeseburgers will become hot dogs!” Or if somebody dropped an actual cheeseburger onto that perpetual motion machine, and then just the sheer force of time and movement, it acquired the shape of a hot dog, a lot like how broken glass gets smoothed out and jewel-like if the waves crash on it in the sand. Clearly, I’ve thought about this far too much. But I’m in there and I’m just pointing it out. I’m excited about it. And the midnight clerk at 7-Eleven comes over, a man who should not have hope left for society. He shouldn’t care what anybody does. This guy’s off… He’s off the grid at this point. Even this guy tried to give me an out. Even he tried to, like, stop what he was about to see. See, like, the same… like, when a blackjack dealer sees somebody that’s just wasted, they’re hitting on 20, and even they can’t take it anymore. They’re just like… just like… He gave me one of those. He came over, but he put the question on me, let it be my choice. He just came over and he’s like, “What are you doing? “Look at what you’re doing. What are you doing?” And I just… I didn’t even look up from the plastic. I was just like, “I’m a gambler!” And he didn’t even realize what that meant. But that’s where his face just dropped. He didn’t even use tongs, just grabbed it with his hands. Bun, here you go. I didn’t eat it as much as I made it disappear like a David Blaine illusion. Thing came at me, it was just like, “Crumbs. Magic hands!” Like, one fell swoop. Myarf! Debit card, 1.89. Shoomp, shoomp! Chase rewards points! And I had to get out to the sidewalk before I realized what, like, everything that just happened. Like, I just ate the same dinner as a homeless person, but I didn’t even savor it. I didn’t even appreciate it. And, that was a low point. That was a… that was a Tuesday. And then Wednesday I got a DUI and I went to jail. For the more poetic of you out there, Whiskey Icarus finally flew a little too close to the sun. And, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to jail before, but when you go there, it’s… You get to sit on a little bunk bed without your shoelaces and you get to contemplate your life. You get to ask… say things to yourself like, “Hey, Kyle, “remember when you thought eating that Cheeseburger Bite “was a real low point? “It’s time to recalibrate your definition of fucking up. They took your belt so you don’t hurt yourself.” And I’m not trying to make light of drinking and driving. I made a mistake, I screwed up, but understand that there are grades to that crime. There are degrees to drinking and driving. I got my DUI in Los Angeles. I’m from Chicago, where to get a DUI in Chicago… We got some people. You, clearly, will understand this. You would have to drive through a playground at recess and still fail a field sobriety test. I pulled over on the highway once ’cause even I knew I was too drunk to drive in Chicago. Pulled over, shirt open. Gonna take a nap. Keys in the ignition, ’cause I like to listen to tunes while I slumber. Woke up with police flashlights shining in my face and them just saying, “Let me see your hands!” And my first thing I just blurt out is like, “How’d you guys get in my room?” They let me drive home. Said, “You take this room back to the house that it is a part of.” I got my DUI in Los Angeles, where to get a DUI there, you just have to look like this and be singing classic rock a little too enthusiastically at 1:30 in the morning while going five miles an hour over the speed limit. But I learned my lesson, don’t drink and drive. Also learned my lesson, don’t get your lawyer based off of Yelp reviews. “Well, Darrell from Burbank gave him four stars. “How bad could he be? “Darrell also reviewed the coffee at a Jiffy Lube. “Also four stars. “He doesn’t want to praise too much, “but he wants to be encouraging. I like his style.” I think I’m just gonna start believing in God again. Why not? Not out of any kind of, like, repent or anything. I’m not so… I’m just bored. It’s just a more fun place if you’re agnostic. Like, just leave the “maybe” there, you know? It just more fun. Like, “Why do trees grow so tall?” “Maybe it’s God.” “Is that a guy following us with a knife?” “Maybe it’s a chupacabra.” You know? It just… The world’s a more whimsical place if you get into that. I want to believe in ghosts. Like, that’s why I get maid service. I like to pretend it’s a real courteous poltergeist. “Spirits are real and they made the bed. That was real nice of them.” I believe in Bigfoot. I think Bigfoot’s real, but I think his whole thing is that he… He fucks you while you’re camping. And that’s why the true story never came out. You’re just camping, your tent opens up and you’re like, “Man, it’s Bigfoot.” And he’s just like, “Shh. “Nobody’s gonna believe you, bro. Take off your pants.” That’s why Bigfoot walks like that. All laid back. Just got done fucking. “Shit, there goes Bigfoot! “Looks like he just got his dick wet, yeah! Bigfoot!” That’s the dumbest joke I’ve ever written. I don’t know, I’m just… I’m gonna be agnostic. I was an atheist, but, man, those people are just the worst. They’re just as bad as everybody else. Atheism. Atheism’s just, like… It’s dangerous when you’re a teenager. It’s interesting in college. And after that you’re just a drip that ruins parties by starting everything with, “You seem like an intelligent person.” It’s cool that you have… I just don’t trust anybody that is so positive that… Like, so certain about something you can’t prove, you know, either way. Either… either side you fall on, God or no God. I don’t trust them and I don’t trust people that have confidence without alcohol. I do not trust those people. Somebody that can dance when they’re sober is the scariest person you’ll ever meet. Those should be the first people in line for murder suspects. If you’re… You’re just at a wedding, you see somebody getting really loose. Like, “Man, how many have you had?” “Not a drop since ’97. Don’t like losing control of myself.” “You get outta here, baby eater.” But, yeah, I don’t know. Like, I had this… I had… I guess it’s an epiphany. I don’t know what it was. I was making some IKEA furniture and I wasn’t even using the instructions. So I was just, like, freestyling on it. So that pretty much makes me a carpenter. And so I started like, “Here I am, “just this little bearded guy being a carpenter, “and Jesus is just a little bearded carpenter. “And he just traveled the land “trying to make people happy and better. “Like, I just travel the land trying to make people happy. “And maybe I’ve been a Christian this whole time, “I just didn’t even know it, because you try and live “in a more Christlike way. And that’s what I’ve been doing this whole time.” But then I realized that Jesus probably never called a TV stand a bitch five times and then took a nap to Cheers reruns out of frustration. He would have persevered where I faltered. So that, and some other things, are why I’m not like Jesus. But I have been getting the stigmata a whole lot lately, so that’s been throwing me off. Not traditional, like, holes in the hands and speaking… I’ve just been getting fat and going bald. It’s some Buddhist stigmata… Something. I… I watched this documentary… You guys probably know it up here… Called The Bridge. Yeah, nobody ever cheers if they saw it. They just… For those of you that don’t know, it’s a documentary about all people that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge trying to kill themselves. And it was just… I thought it was a fascinating film ’cause they set up cameras and they caught these people. Well, they didn’t catch ’em, but on film. And they… Yeah, yeah. I did that in San Francisco. Like I understand the why. I understand if you want to take an early exit. Like, if you get to that point in your life where you’re like, “I’m just gonna go to work for the next 40 years. I don’t like this today. 40 years of this?” And right when you kind of get your mind around like, “Maybe it’ll be okay,” a coworker pops by like, “Don’t forget, there’s karaoke every Tuesday!” You’re like, “I’m taking off. No way.” So I understand… I just never understood the how. ‘Cause they show these people. It’s always the same kind of person, just kind of disheveled, dirty sweatpants, shuffling up the edge. A little bit of hemming and hawing, and then just… pfft… Over the side. Just, like, not even one of them wore a cape or anything. It’s the last thing you’re gonna do. Go out with a question mark instead of a period. Let your loved ones… It’s a selfish thing you’re doing. Give your loved ones just, like, a moment of like, “Wha… Really?” I don’t know, you know? Go nice suit, umbrella at the last minute. Mary Poppins theme. Confuse people. Have one last trick up your sleeve, you know? If I get to that point where I’m gonna get outta here, I’m not gonna lose my commitment to the art of performance or personal flair. I will do it. I’m gonna jump off a building. But I’m gonna do it wearing a snorkel mask and flippers. And then right next to where I’m gonna land, I wanna have a little glass of water set up. Because that way, people can wonder, “Did he wanna kill himself or is this just the worst daredevil we’ve ever seen?” There wouldn’t even be a suicide, there’d just be a Post-it on the ledge like, “I think I can make it.” People are like, “Make what? “What was he gonna make? “There’s… “Logistically, this is impo… Maybe he didn’t calculate for wind, I don’t know.” Just allow that much. And then when I do die… I don’t have a lot of goals for my earthly time, but when I do pass, I want either… I want to be cremated, and I want the remains sprinkled on my mother’s living room carpeting with a little plaque that says, “Look who’s not vacuuming now?” It was one of my chores. It’d be like an inside joke. It’d be a cute thing for her. “You want to keep your baby boy close? “I’m right here. “Living room’s only for guests? Well, now I’m the guest. “You take the plastic off the couch. I’m sticking around.” That… or… Your gravestone doesn’t have to be factual. You know that, right? Your grave… that’s yours. Make sure you take advantage of that. That’s yours. Don’t let some uncreative relative just put some schm… “loving father.” You… that guy could have been a dick. You don’t even know. I do want… that’s… If I get that, I wanna have just the little… The tasteful little rectangular, flush with the ground headstones. Nothing fancy. Tasteful font. It’ll just say, “Kyle Christian Kinane. “Born December 23rd, 1976. Died in your arms tonight.” Quotes, “Must have been something you said.” Because listen, that’s not a great joke, all right? But it’s the best one you’re gonna read in a cemetery. And where more do you need a laugh in this world? Kyle Kinane’s got you, even after death. Kyle Kinane, A.D.’s here for you. You’re walking in there, it’s a sad day, maybe you just see that, like, right there, peripheral vision, walking in and you just… “Look at this. “You see this? “It’s ’80s lyrics. “This guy. “It’s that song… “* Died in your arms tonight “This guy. “Come here and look. She’s not going anywhere. “Come here and look at this. “My God. That’s funny. “That is all right. I like that. “No flowers, that’s a sh… “I’m sorry, I’m st… “You don’t get these today. “You earned those today, buddy. That is a funny joke.” Guys, thank you so much. Thank you very much. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-emergency-contact-transcript/ | Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact (2023) | Transcript | amy schumer | [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] [Amy] Thank you so much, LA. Please, thank you. LA! [audience cheering] Don’t make me like you. Oh, my God, there’s, like, some young people up front. Like how… how old are you? [woman] Twenty-seven. [Amy] Twenty-seven. Oh… remember? [audience laughing] Remember 27? [sighs] God, you’re so cute and everything’s still up high and… You’re wearing heels. You’re gonna… Someday, you’re gonna… These are gonna be your heels. Okay? [audience laughing] Right here. To me, these are heels now. Okay? There’s an orthopedic insert in here. What’s your name? [woman] Libby. “Libby.” That’s so cute. Twenty-seven. Libby. Oh, my God. Do you drink? Are you a drinker? Little bit? Okay. Here’s the kind of drinking I’ve been doing lately, okay, on this tour. Like, yesterday is the only day I didn’t drink, and I drank. Do you know what I mean? [audience laughing] [Amy] You know? You don’t count it ’cause it was less than five. Started early, yeah. So I don’t count that, yeah. ‘Cause I, uh… I used to black out, Libby. Last week. And, uh… Nothing good ever happens in a black-out, right? I’ve never woken up, like, “What is this Pilates mat doing out? Wow.” [audience laughing] “Who cleaned?” No. No. Wake up with a potato skin like an eye patch. Dried ice cream on my neck. I hope! [audience laughing] [audience whistling] [Amy] Can’t drink like we used to, huh? I just turned 40. Again. [audience cheering] Thank you. Thank you. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. And, uh, you know, I’ve always preached confidence for women. You know, to feel great in your own skin. Right? And then the day I turned 40, I took my skin and I got it lasered. Hm… [audience laughing] [Amy] So, Libby, what laser is… is they shoot a laser at your face. Okay, you pay them money, a lot of money, and in return they shoot you in the face with a laser beam. The thing that in the Ocean’s Eleven bank heist movies, they’re trying to avoid to get the money. You, instead, put your face in front of them. It’s incredible what laser does. What happens is… you turn blood-red, but then the skin falls off your face. But then, six-to-eight weeks later… you look exactly the same. [audience laughing and applauding] [Amy] Amazing, right? It’s just incredible what they can do now. Just… I got filler in my face. Uh, then they dissolved it, ’cause, as it turns out, I was already full. I… [chuckles] Tom… Tom, you’re doing “A” cam, right? Can you get in close on this in case people don’t know? So, my face… Someone, just because they were wearing a white lab coat, talked me into needing more volume up here. Okay? It already looks like I’m storing nuts for the winter. [makes munching sound] I came home, scared the shit out of my husband. Just bleeding. Just needle marks. He’s like, “Holy fuck, were you in a fire?” [audience laughing] I’m like, “I wasn’t not in a fire.” “Wait until my laser kicks in, babe. You’re gonna be hard as a rock.” I got lipo, and then I, in record time, gained the weight back. Lipo is the laziest thing I’ve personally ever done. That was my way of saying, “I would rather have major surgery… than be a little hungry once.” [audience laughing] That’s the truth. I’m never hungry. I never let it get to that, you know? I feel it coming about an hour away and that’s when I combat it. You know? You know, I’m doing my best. I had a baby. Not bad for a year. Right? [audience cheering] It’s been three. [audience laughing] And a half. But, uh… You ever get handed a new insecurity when you weren’t really expecting it? Someone will just kinda mosey up and hit you with it. They’ll just… “Hey, you know who you look like?” I go, “No, thanks.” [audience laughing] “I’m not open to that feedback right now. Thank you.” It’s never somebody good, right? It’s never a model. It’s always, like, their fucked-up cousin. “Look!” [sighs] I just got handed a new insecurity by a trusted friend. It’s when you’re feeling safe that someone will hit you with something they thought you’d already accepted about yourself. You know, she goes, “You know how you’re short-waisted?” I was like, “Yes! What?” [audience laughing] She’s like, “You know the way your ass goes all the way to your armpit, and you don’t really…” “Like an ostrich! Cool! Okay, good! Good!” “I love that!” But I just got hit with a new insecurity that rocked me. I was getting acupuncture to see if I could still feel, and, uh… He’s working on me, and with so much enthusiasm, like it wasn’t a big deal, he says to me, “Did you know that you have a hump?” [audience laughing] I said, “My lovely lady lumps?” [audience cheering] “Check it out!” Right? He’s like, “No, you have a hump.” And I do. I’ll show you. On the back of my neck, okay, don’t miss out on this shot, Tom. Get in here. Okay? Check that out. I… Someone goes, “Oh, yeah!” Yes, I do. I’m humped, okay. Like a whale, or a camel. Or that guy who loves Notre-Dame. I… found out in my 40s that all this time I’ve been rocking a hump. I said, “What do we do?” He goes, “I don’t think there’s anything we can do.” “So you just needed me to know?” He goes, “It’s called a ‘widow’s hump.'” I’m like, “I’m all set with info about that. Thank you.” He said, “Well, just try holding your neck back further.” [audience laughing] “Like this?” He said, “Yeah, that’s good.” “Okay, yeah. Less hump. Is this…?” So, I know a lot of you are sitting there thinking, “Do I have a hump?” And… I don’t want you to be shy. You’re a little em… Just feel free. Just go in there and feel. The way you’ll know, is when you run your finger down your neck, you’ll run into a hump. [audience laughing] So that’s my little secret insecurity. Okay? I’m humped. We all have some little secret insecurity, right? Like… I just met someone, and I don’t think their insecurity can be a secret. Okay, now, this story really happened. Okay? My husband and I were invited to a dinner party. Very last minute. We think we were a last-minute fill-in. Not a big deal. We go to the party, and it was at this really rich guy’s house. We never met him before. Right before we go in, our friend who invited us says, “Oh, just so you know, he’s blind, but it’s a secret.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What the fuck are you talking about?” “From who?” She’s like, “Well, um, he doesn’t acknowledge it, and everyone around him acts like it’s not happening.” I’m like, “You can be that rich that you’re just not blind?” Turns out, yeah. So… I was glad she gave me a heads-up, you know, ’cause, like, I have no impulse control. In ten seconds in his house, I would have been like, “Are you fucking blind?” I was glad she gave me a heads-up, ’cause… Sometimes people give you a heads-up for things that aren’t necessary, and it makes everything awkward. You know? Someone will be, like, “Okay, and he’s Black.” “Should I change the music?” What are you talking about? You don’t have to warn me about, you know… Or, “And she’s gay.” “Oh, should I eat her out?” “Is that…?” [audience laughing] It’s a weird warning, but, uh… But, “He’s blind and it’s a secret”? Thank you. A “secret blind” is a heads-up I want. So… So we go in and… he’s blind. Okay? He’s in the kitchen, because he’s cooking. And you could tell… He’s looking up. He says, “Hey, great to meet you. No shaking hands. Covid.” And we’re like, “That’s why.” Uh… [audience laughing] And he offers us a drink. I said, “Sure, yeah. Great.” So I went over to grab a glass, and I am not kidding you, I turn around, and he’s like this. [audience laughing] [audience clapping] All night, shit like this is happening. People just clean it up and act like it didn’t happen. Keep it moving. Dinner took nine years to cook. We’re all sitting around pretending to eat and, uh… I’m keeping the conversation going. I’m trying to fill the air, but I kept on talking about vision by accident. You don’t realize how much you talk about it, you know. I… I actually said this sentence, okay, to a blind person. I said, “Is anyone watching The Watcher?” [audience laughing] What? That’s a double-blind. I fucked up. His girlfriend was there. I said, “How long have you guys been seeing each other?” Fucking fuck. “Smelling her?” Um… This rich guy. In his late 50s. Had a very young girlfriend. Very young. I’m like, “Let me guess, she’s an old soul.” Right? Isn’t that the story, LA? Twenty-three-year-old pussy, but what an old soul on the gal. Wait until you get a load of her soul! Yeah. And I don’t think it’s cool to make fun of blind people. I just don’t think you can be a secret blind. Okay? And if there’s gonna be one group of people that’s really mad at me, that feels like a safe one. [audience laughing] “We’re gonna get you!” Are you? [audience laughing] I shouldn’t be baiting the crowd like this. I really shouldn’t. People ask, “Is this a dangerous time for comedians?” You know, I don’t know if you saw, Chappelle got tackled on-stage. And just all this crazy shit’s been happening. When they ask, I’m like, “Yes.” “I’m on the front lines every night.” Like, no. Not if you’re me, you know. Maybe if you’re them, you have these spry… I’m like, “My people are like me. Okay?” We’re tired. [audience laughing] [chuckles] Nobody’s tackling anybody. We’re all too tired. I don’t know about you, here’s where I am with my energy level lately. If I sit down and realize I didn’t grab the remote… [audience laughing] I’ll just sit there… for as long as it takes. Right? There’s one of us in every relationship. The piece of shit. Right? You just sit there. You wait for your partner to come in. “Hey, can you grab the remote?” It’s like, “Have you been sitting here for two hours?” Goes to sit down. “And also can you get me another drink? Oh.” What else is going on in my life? Oh, I have a little boy. [audience cheering] A little boy. Yeah. I don’t know if I’m a good parent. I think I’m just getting used to failing. Is that what being a parent is? Just… Just bombing. It’s like stand-up. You know, you just get used to it. I just… I don’t think anybody’s failed as hard as I did, as quickly, though. Do you know what I named my son? Let me walk you through it, okay? Listen up, Libby. So… Our son’s first name is Gene. Okay? Gene. Basic. We named him after my husband’s mom, who passed away, which is very sad, of course. [audience laughing] But also, to not… have a mother-in-law… [audience laughing] It sounds like somebody has a lucky hump. So… Very sad, of course. My husband’s last name is Fischer. That’s why I, Amy, didn’t take it. [audience laughing] It’s… You might be a little young for this reference, Libby, but… Google “Amy Fisher” when you get home. And, uh, it’s not good. So… Then came his middle name, and that’s… That’s where I fucked up. Okay? I, uh, I wanted to pay tribute to my favorite comedian, my good friend, Mr. Dave Attell. – All right. So I… [small cheer] That’s about right. So I… [audience laughing] Truly my favorite comedian of all time. So we gave him the middle name “Attell.” So I was about a month into being a new mom, sitting on the couch when I realized that I’ve named my son… “Genital Fissure.” [audience laughing] Anybody ever fuck up like that? I don’t think so. We changed his middle name as soon as we realized. I think it’s better. We changed it to “Fingerbang Shit-Snatch.” Is that better? Or… Is anybody here pregnant? Any pregnant people here? Oh, congratulations. Are you keeping it? [audience laughing] Hey, we’re in one of the states where we still have a choice. Right? [audience cheering] Can you believe it? In Wisconsin, I didn’t want to ask the crowd. You know? It’s, like, yeah. They could always drive to Illinois. Just recommending. But, uh… Yeah. People love giving pregnant women advice, don’t they? They love it. They just love it. The whole time I was pregnant, I have this one friend, she’d always tell me, She’s like, “You have to do prenatal yoga.” “It really helps with the birth. Prenatal yoga.” So I immediately signed up for a C-section. [audience laughing] Because, fuck that, okay? If I’m ever in downward dog, I fell. Upward humpback Jew. That’s my resting pose, right here. I did. I had a… I had a C. Came out the sunroof. And, uh… You know, some women feel like they failed if they don’t give birth vaginally. And the only thing that really comforts me is my still-perfect pussy. It’s really… [audience cheering] No, it’s not. It’s not good. Trust me. Things still shift, you know what I mean? I don’t… I don’t know what it is. When I take a bath, I feel like I fill up. You know? I just kinda… floating in there. Just… Just kind of squishing around after for hours. But they tell you, no matter how you give birth, C-section, vaginal… They almost never come out of your asshole. They tell you… [audience laughing] The doctor is very serious right after you give birth. They say, “Now, listen, you cannot have sex for six weeks.” “Okay? No sex. Six weeks.” I’m like, “Okay, let me write that down. Six…” I’m like, “Oh, wait, remember when you just, uh, Wolverine’d my FUPA open?” [audience laughing] How about six years? That’s when I think I’ll want to do that again. “His foot got caught on my intestines on the way out.” “When can I get raw-dogged from behind?” [chuckles] These… “I need dick!” Like, who’s…? “Five weeks?” Yeah, okay. I had this awful condition while I was pregnant called hyperemesis gravidarum. Severe nausea and vomiting, the whole pregnancy. I was so relieved when I was diagnosed, it was like six months in. I was like, “Okay, we know what it is. What do we do?” And they explained to me, “We haven’t been able to study it because it only happens to women.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] “But if your husband wants, we have chewable Viagra.” Which is a real product. Because, sometimes, it’s scary to take a pill. [audience laughing] “I wanna get hard, but I don’t want to take a pill.” [audience cheering] “Okay, you can chew it. Okay.” I have severe endometriosis. Very painful. A debilitating disease. About 10% of women have that. There are no studies. But if your dick curves slightly one way, they got you, bro! Any dick-mergency, the Paw Patrol is on the way! Got a hysterectomy this year. Wanted to lose those last three pounds, am I right, ladies? [chuckles] No. I had to get it removed because of my endometriosis. And, uh… It was a big surgery. They took out my uterus, they found cysts in my ovaries. They found a tumor in my appendix. But the craziest thing they found was that my liver was fine. [audience laughing] It’s such a fun New York moment right after that surgery. I was walking around feeling sorry for myself, and there was this group of big meathead dudes. One of them recognized me and goes, “Hey! Amy Schumer!” “How you doing?” I was feeling kind of honest. You know, I was like, “Not great. I just had my uterus removed.” [audience laughing] And his response made me feel so much better. He goes, “Oh, no!” [audience laughing] “You should get it back!” I’m like, “That’s not…” “That’s not really how that works, but thank you, sir.” I feel so much better after getting that surgery, the laparoscopy and all that. I, uh… If you have endometriosis… The only way I can describe how much better I feel, is like if you ever saw Willy Wonka, you know those old people that are all in that bed, 69-ing all day, like… [audience laughing] [moans] And the one grandpa gets the golden ticket and he gets out and clicks his heels. Like, that’s me. You know… That’s how much better I feel. I’m like a new person… I’m a new mom. You know, I can run with my son now. I don’t, but, uh… You know. I, uh… We had a medical emergency in the audience last weekend on the road. It was very strange. I learned a lot about my crowd. It was in the balcony. This guy was having a seizure. He’s fine. You know, I… I didn’t follow up. But I’m assuming, you know, I would have heard. No, he’s fine. But, uh… But in the moment it was scary. We had to turn the house lights on. This is when I learned about my crowd, because I was like, “We need a doctor! Go!” Not one. [audience laughing] The entire audience, not one doctor. So I’m like, okay, “Nurses!” And there were like 40 nurses but they were all hammered. [audience laughing] They’re like, “We’re not on-call. Fuck you!” I was like, “Fair.” Thank God for our nurses. You know? [audience cheering] Yeah. Fuck yeah. I really couldn’t… couldn’t sleep after that. It was just… It was alarming, you know? It was like… I mean, I can never sleep anyway. I’m such a bad sleeper. Whenever I say that, somebody is like, “Have you tried melatonin?” [audience laughing] “CBD?” I’m like, “I need heroin, okay?” Fucking melatonin. Get outta here. I mean, they told us how we can get better sleep. We all know the advice, right? They said, “If you want the best night of sleep of your life, an hour before you go to bed, turn your phone off.” What do we all say? “No.” [audience laughing] “That’s crazy.” “Oh, you don’t care about sleep?” I care about sleep more than anything in the world. I’ll take any pill, I’ll have any surgery. “Why not just 15 minutes before you go to bed, power down?” “Fuck you!” [audience laughing] I need to be staring into the abyss of my phone as I’m falling asleep, okay? Plus, I need to be reading something. I’m eating. [scoffs] [audience laughing] They did do one study on women. You may have read about this. They found that social media is harmful to young girls. Thank you, NASA. We know. Right? Since we’ve been in town, I saw this group of girls, maybe 12 years old. These little girls were taking selfies. You know, and they knew their angles. Know what I’m saying? Maybe some people don’t know. Like… Like, your angles… Okay. Like, see how my leg looks if you look straight on? Get a shot of this, Tom. Look at that. Disgusting. [audience laughing] What is that, Gollum? That’s heinous. Now watch this. Bam! Whoa! Everyone’s hard. [audience laughing] And they knew their good side, these 12-year-old girls. They see so many pictures of themselves. Like, I’m 41. I know my angles. Okay? At this point, the photographer gets in a tree, and I dig a deep trench. I kinda get down there… That’s me. That’s where I shine, you know? Twelve years old. Remember when we were 12? Somebody took a picture of us once a year. [audience laughing] Right? Maybe twice if we had a school dance. Right? Somebody’s dad had a camera. It was like, “Whoa! I didn’t know Lindsay was rich! Her dad has a whole camera!” We didn’t know our angles. They’d say, “Cheese!” And we’d all just kinda… [grunts] Looked like we were shitting ourselves. Because we were. Because all we ate was dairy. Right? We didn’t have oat milk, or almond milk, or Erewhon. [audience laughing] We had whole milk. And we drank it with every meal. You’d have a grilled-cheese sandwich with a cup of milk. Our skin was bad, we were farting all over the place. It was disgusting. But we were happy, goddamn it. [audience cheering] Right? I don’t know, Libby. Twenty-seven. What would it be like to be 27 now? You grew up seeing so many more pictures of yourself. Here’s a good thing. You are definitely vaccinated for chicken pox. Probably don’t even know it. Remember our vaccine for chicken pox? Is that your mom would push you in a room… [audience laughing] …with neighbors who had them, just… [groans] She’d go, “Get it!” That was our vaccine. “Go get it!” Horrifying. You’re definitely vaccinated for HPV. And I feel bad for you. You’re missing out on an important character-building experience. [audience laughing] We all had it. All my friends, we all got it. Admitted it to each other after college. We’re all crying. “I’m a whore!” [mock crying] “I’m gonna have to tell all my future partners!” Never told one person. [mock crying] We all got it. I’m still really close with my girls from high school. I feel so lucky about that friendship. Yeah. It’s the best. I realized though… that we text each other like we’re fucking. Like, I text them in this intimate way I would never text my husband. You know? I’ll be like… “Text me the second you’re home safe.” “Home.” “Thank God.” [audience laughing] “Your ass in those jeans tonight, what?” “When can we be together again?” If Chris ever got a text like that from me, he’d think I was fucking kidnapped. He’d call the police. I was out drinking with my girlfriends one night. And, uh… We were talking about how lazy we’ve gotten, sexually. And, uh, I was like, “What if we text all of our husbands ‘Do you want to have phone sex right now?'” We were crying we were laughing so hard. We thought… We thought it was so funny. And we did it, and we got such different responses from these dudes. My husband wrote back the fastest, okay, and he just wrote, “Fuck you.” [audience laughing] Okay. That’s fair. It’s what I deserve. You know? And my friend Jess’ husband, we declared the loser because he just wrote, “Too tired.” [audience laughing] We’re such hypocrites. We were pissed. And then, uh… My friend Caroline’s husband said, uh, “When the kids go to bed.” Not bad. But the winner, we declared, was my friend Andrea’s husband, who just immediately called. Hello? [audience laughing] Joke was on her. She had to have phone sex with her husband that night. She answered like she was in a horror film. “Hello?” I love my girls. They’re all teachers and nurses from Long Island. and they, uh… Yeah. Teachers. [audience cheering] Holy shit. Thank you, teachers. They came with me when I hosted the Oscars. They were on the red carpet with me, and it was… It was so fun having them there. And they were so excited. At first. [audience laughing] Just… We just get used to shit so quick, don’t we? These girls, at first they’re so starstruck. They’re like, [gasps] “There’s Ryan Reynolds!” And, “Is that Taylor Swift?” And then 20 minutes later, my friend Jess walks over smoking a cigarette. She’s like, “Meryl Streep’s chatty.” [audience laughing] [exhales] This bitch. You know? I love my girls. We all got married. I can’t believe we got married. We, uh… All of us. I’ve only been married for five years, but this is what I think marriage is so far. I think marriage is finding someone who can stand you. [audience laughing] Is that too romantic? Find someone who can fucking stand you. Especially during the pandemic when we were all just home, just… Staring at each other. Judging. Waiting to criticize each other. “You gonna chew like that?” [audience laughing] “No. No.” “Didn’t know if you’re trying to wake the neighbors ’cause it’s so loud. But no.” My husband… We were fighting… What was our last fight? Oh, we went to see Top Gun. Anybody see Top Gun? [audience cheering] It was cute, right? I was impressed. Do you know that Tom Cruise does all his own Scientology? [audience laughing] I dragged him there. I wanted to see it in the theater. You know, we were fighting. I don’t remember what about. I remember I was right. But, uh… But… This is why I like being married because it’s, you know, he said, “I don’t even want to be near you right now.” Before we were married, I would have been like… But I’m like, “Can I have your wallet? I still want to see Top Gun.” [audience laughing] Kinda throws it to me. He leaves. I just walked to the movie. I’m like, “Fuck this guy. I’ll see him at home. [mutters] Half a block later, he’s back walking next to me. Gave him his wallet. We didn’t talk about it. Just moved on. Gotta keep it moving. Right? Keep it moving. But he can stand me. Do you guys know who Hilaria Baldwin is? [audience laughing] I’m saying it wrong. I’m sorry. [Spanish accent] Hilaria… Baldwin. [normal accent] Okay. So, I just can’t wrap my head around this story. If you don’t know who I mean, this is Alec Baldwin’s wife. Okay? And I met her years ago, backstage at SNL. Alec was like, “I want you to meet my wife.” And I saw her, and I said, “No, thank you.” [audience laughing] I’m trying to hang on to my self-esteem. Okay? She is a tiny Disney princess, and I… look like Ben Roethlisberger from most angles. She came over. [Spanish accent] “I’m Hilaria from Espania.” [normal accent] Very thick Spanish accent. Okay? From Spain. You might have seen her on a morning show doing a cooking demonstration where she had trouble remembering how to pronounce the word [Spanish accent] “How you say, ‘cucumber’?” [normal accent] She was wearing a dress. They said, “Where’s your dress…?” [Spanish accent] “I don’t know if you have it, It’s from Zara.” [normal accent] They have a von Traap-amount of children, and, uh… [audience laughing] And they named them all, I’m not sure, but, very Spanish names like Jamón, and Croqueta, and Flamenco. You know? And all of this would be fine and beautiful, except… [Spanish accent] …that Hilaria from Espania… [normal accent] …is actually Hillary from Boston. [audience laughing] This woman is in no way Spanish. Her parents are not from Spain. No one in her life is from Spain. You went, “What?” Did you think I was just doing a really racist Spanish impression…? You’re like, “Wow. Wow.” So, I’m not trying to bully a sociopath. I have a point. Okay? [audience laughing] So I think what had happened was… I think she went to Spain. Because, again, I cannot tell you how much her family is not from Spain. They were early settlers in the U.S. I’m not fucking with you, they were on the Mayflower. That’s how much this chick is from Boston. But… I think what had happened was, she went to Spain. And I’ve been lucky enough to go to Spain. Some of you have. It’s great, right? Don’t you love it? I loved it, too. But Hillary from Boston fucking loved it. [Spanish accent] “I am going to be from it!” [normal accent] Did you know you can just decide where you’re from? Like, on my driver’s license, it says that I am from Splash Mountain. [audience laughing] Isn’t that great? Libby, do you ever go on vacation and have a good time? Where? Where’d you go? [Libby] Mexico. Mexico? You’re from there. Enjoy. Enjoy. So here’s my point, okay. I actually have a point. Okay. My point is… that all evidence points to this woman, since she met her husband, has straight-up pretended to be from Spain. And her husband shot someone. Now, stay with me! [audience laughing] Stay with me. My point is… neither of them give a fuck. Find someone who can stand you. [audience cheering] My husband. The love of my life. We have sex sometimes. And, uh, married people, have you found this? We’ve found the best weekday to have sex is always tomorrow. [audience laughing] Is that when you guys have sex? “We ate today. Maybe we won’t… eat tomorrow. That’ll be a big day for us. You know?” “Yeah, we’ll definitely fuck each other tomorrow.” And then you do it. And you act like you went on some excursion. Like you were bowling. “That was fun. We have to remember we like doing that.” [audience laughing] “We should bowl more. Why don’t we bowl?” If it were up to me, I’d bowl once a week. You too, yeah? Tomorrow. Tomorrow. My husband’s amazing. He always turns the lights on right before we have sex. You know? I shut ’em off, and he puts ’em on. Finally, he’s like, “Why are you so shy? I love your body. All your scars.” “You’re beautiful.” You know? And I was like, “Oh.” “You’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me.” [audience laughing] “Baby, my laser is about to kick in.” My husband actually just said these words to me before we had sex. He said, “Do you need me to go down on you?” “Do I need you to?” I’m like, “No, I just saw Top Gun. Thanks.” [audience laughing] It’s hard to have sex with your spouse. I’ll say it. Because that’s your family. It’s like, we just had Thanksgiving together. I’m not gonna suck your dick. You’re my emergency contact for Christ’s sake! [audience laughing] That’s disgusting. Can’t talk dirty to each other anymore. We know each other too well. You know, I’m like, “I’m gonna…” He’s like, “No, you’re not.” “No, I’m not.” “I want you to come all over…” “No, you don’t. No.” “No, I don’t.” We do a lot of roleplay. But I always pick the same role. You know, I’m always like, “Okay. I… am in a coma.” [audience laughing] “Go.” [audience laughing] I love him so much. I do. My husband is on the autism spectrum. And… Thank you. Thank you. It used to be called Asperger’s, but then they found out that Dr. Asperger had Nazi ties. Hate when that happens, right? Like some of our neighbors lately. Okay? Can we please love Jews? There aren’t that many of us left. Okay? [audience cheering] So, yeah, he’s on the autism spectrum. And, uh… It’s called Autism Spectrum Disorder. And getting diagnosed has been so helpful to our family and to him, in helping us communicate. Making his life better, our life better, and he’s so fucking cool and brave that he’s down to be open about it, when there’s such a stigma, when it’s so stupid. because he’s my favorite person in the whole fucking world, other than my son, of course. [audience cheering] People don’t know much about autism. They hear and go, “Oh, does he love to count?” [audience laughing] “Should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor and… he can gather them and count them?” I’m like, “Yeah, fuck it. Do it. Might be fun. I don’t know.” “I’d like to check that out, personally.” Being diagnosed, getting tested, just… it’s helped us so much. Like, I understand his behavior now. You know? Like, when someone’s in the middle of a long, boring story, he will straight up just walk away. [audience laughing] I’m like, “Where’s this motherfucker going?” Never really lands a compliment with me. He tells me I look comfortable a lot. We just have different love languages. You know? Like, I was feeling kind of sentimental the other night. We were sitting outside. It was… a nice night. It looked like it was gonna rain, and, uh… I just said, “You know, baby, even though these last couple of years, raising a toddler during a pandemic, it’s been so stressful. But still, getting to be with you, with our son, these have by far been the best years of my life.” And he just looked at me and he said, “I’m gonna go put the windows up in the car.” [audience laughing] That’s my guy, you know? Yeah. That’s when we play the game, “Autism, or Just a Man?” I don’t know. [audience laughing] Right? This has been such a special, special show, special night. I’m gonna leave you with what he said to me right before I came out on stage tonight. I said, “Babe… is this okay?” He said, “Well, it’s too late.” [audience laughing] Thank you so much, LA! I love you! I can stand you! [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] It’s so easy. | [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] [Amy] Thank you so much, LA. Please, thank you. LA! [audience cheering] Don’t make me like you. Oh, my God, there’s, like, some young people up front. Like how… how old are you? [woman] Twenty-seven. [Amy] Twenty-seven. Oh… remember? [audience laughing] Remember 27? [sighs] God, you’re so cute and everything’s still up high and… You’re wearing heels. You’re gonna… Someday, you’re gonna… These are gonna be your heels. Okay? [audience laughing] Right here. To me, these are heels now. Okay? There’s an orthopedic insert in here. What’s your name? [woman] Libby. “Libby.” That’s so cute. Twenty-seven. Libby. Oh, my God. Do you drink? Are you a drinker? Little bit? Okay. Here’s the kind of drinking I’ve been doing lately, okay, on this tour. Like, yesterday is the only day I didn’t drink, and I drank. Do you know what I mean? [audience laughing] [Amy] You know? You don’t count it ’cause it was less than five. Started early, yeah. So I don’t count that, yeah. ‘Cause I, uh… I used to black out, Libby. Last week. And, uh… Nothing good ever happens in a black-out, right? I’ve never woken up, like, “What is this Pilates mat doing out? Wow.” [audience laughing] “Who cleaned?” No. No. Wake up with a potato skin like an eye patch. Dried ice cream on my neck. I hope! [audience laughing] [audience whistling] [Amy] Can’t drink like we used to, huh? I just turned 40. Again. [audience cheering] Thank you. Thank you. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. And, uh, you know, I’ve always preached confidence for women. You know, to feel great in your own skin. Right? And then the day I turned 40, I took my skin and I got it lasered. Hm… [audience laughing] [Amy] So, Libby, what laser is… is they shoot a laser at your face. Okay, you pay them money, a lot of money, and in return they shoot you in the face with a laser beam. The thing that in the Ocean’s Eleven bank heist movies, they’re trying to avoid to get the money. You, instead, put your face in front of them. It’s incredible what laser does. What happens is… you turn blood-red, but then the skin falls off your face. But then, six-to-eight weeks later… you look exactly the same. [audience laughing and applauding] [Amy] Amazing, right? It’s just incredible what they can do now. Just… I got filler in my face. Uh, then they dissolved it, ’cause, as it turns out, I was already full. I… [chuckles] Tom… Tom, you’re doing “A” cam, right? Can you get in close on this in case people don’t know? So, my face… Someone, just because they were wearing a white lab coat, talked me into needing more volume up here. Okay? It already looks like I’m storing nuts for the winter. [makes munching sound] I came home, scared the shit out of my husband. Just bleeding. Just needle marks. He’s like, “Holy fuck, were you in a fire?” [audience laughing] I’m like, “I wasn’t not in a fire.” “Wait until my laser kicks in, babe. You’re gonna be hard as a rock.” I got lipo, and then I, in record time, gained the weight back. Lipo is the laziest thing I’ve personally ever done. That was my way of saying, “I would rather have major surgery… than be a little hungry once.” [audience laughing] That’s the truth. I’m never hungry. I never let it get to that, you know? I feel it coming about an hour away and that’s when I combat it. You know? You know, I’m doing my best. I had a baby. Not bad for a year. Right? [audience cheering] It’s been three. [audience laughing] And a half. But, uh… You ever get handed a new insecurity when you weren’t really expecting it? Someone will just kinda mosey up and hit you with it. They’ll just… “Hey, you know who you look like?” I go, “No, thanks.” [audience laughing] “I’m not open to that feedback right now. Thank you.” It’s never somebody good, right? It’s never a model. It’s always, like, their fucked-up cousin. “Look!” [sighs] I just got handed a new insecurity by a trusted friend. It’s when you’re feeling safe that someone will hit you with something they thought you’d already accepted about yourself. You know, she goes, “You know how you’re short-waisted?” I was like, “Yes! What?” [audience laughing] She’s like, “You know the way your ass goes all the way to your armpit, and you don’t really…” “Like an ostrich! Cool! Okay, good! Good!” “I love that!” But I just got hit with a new insecurity that rocked me. I was getting acupuncture to see if I could still feel, and, uh… He’s working on me, and with so much enthusiasm, like it wasn’t a big deal, he says to me, “Did you know that you have a hump?” [audience laughing] I said, “My lovely lady lumps?” [audience cheering] “Check it out!” Right? He’s like, “No, you have a hump.” And I do. I’ll show you. On the back of my neck, okay, don’t miss out on this shot, Tom. Get in here. Okay? Check that out. I… Someone goes, “Oh, yeah!” Yes, I do. I’m humped, okay. Like a whale, or a camel. Or that guy who loves Notre-Dame. I… found out in my 40s that all this time I’ve been rocking a hump. I said, “What do we do?” He goes, “I don’t think there’s anything we can do.” “So you just needed me to know?” He goes, “It’s called a ‘widow’s hump.'” I’m like, “I’m all set with info about that. Thank you.” He said, “Well, just try holding your neck back further.” [audience laughing] “Like this?” He said, “Yeah, that’s good.” “Okay, yeah. Less hump. Is this…?” So, I know a lot of you are sitting there thinking, “Do I have a hump?” And… I don’t want you to be shy. You’re a little em… Just feel free. Just go in there and feel. The way you’ll know, is when you run your finger down your neck, you’ll run into a hump. [audience laughing] So that’s my little secret insecurity. Okay? I’m humped. We all have some little secret insecurity, right? Like… I just met someone, and I don’t think their insecurity can be a secret. Okay, now, this story really happened. Okay? My husband and I were invited to a dinner party. Very last minute. We think we were a last-minute fill-in. Not a big deal. We go to the party, and it was at this really rich guy’s house. We never met him before. Right before we go in, our friend who invited us says, “Oh, just so you know, he’s blind, but it’s a secret.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What the fuck are you talking about?” “From who?” She’s like, “Well, um, he doesn’t acknowledge it, and everyone around him acts like it’s not happening.” I’m like, “You can be that rich that you’re just not blind?” Turns out, yeah. So… I was glad she gave me a heads-up, you know, ’cause, like, I have no impulse control. In ten seconds in his house, I would have been like, “Are you fucking blind?” I was glad she gave me a heads-up, ’cause… Sometimes people give you a heads-up for things that aren’t necessary, and it makes everything awkward. You know? Someone will be, like, “Okay, and he’s Black.” “Should I change the music?” What are you talking about? You don’t have to warn me about, you know… Or, “And she’s gay.” “Oh, should I eat her out?” “Is that…?” [audience laughing] It’s a weird warning, but, uh… But, “He’s blind and it’s a secret”? Thank you. A “secret blind” is a heads-up I want. So… So we go in and… he’s blind. Okay? He’s in the kitchen, because he’s cooking. And you could tell… He’s looking up. He says, “Hey, great to meet you. No shaking hands. Covid.” And we’re like, “That’s why.” Uh… [audience laughing] And he offers us a drink. I said, “Sure, yeah. Great.” So I went over to grab a glass, and I am not kidding you, I turn around, and he’s like this. [audience laughing] [audience clapping] All night, shit like this is happening. People just clean it up and act like it didn’t happen. Keep it moving. Dinner took nine years to cook. We’re all sitting around pretending to eat and, uh… I’m keeping the conversation going. I’m trying to fill the air, but I kept on talking about vision by accident. You don’t realize how much you talk about it, you know. I… I actually said this sentence, okay, to a blind person. I said, “Is anyone watching The Watcher?” [audience laughing] What? That’s a double-blind. I fucked up. His girlfriend was there. I said, “How long have you guys been seeing each other?” Fucking fuck. “Smelling her?” Um… This rich guy. In his late 50s. Had a very young girlfriend. Very young. I’m like, “Let me guess, she’s an old soul.” Right? Isn’t that the story, LA? Twenty-three-year-old pussy, but what an old soul on the gal. Wait until you get a load of her soul! Yeah. And I don’t think it’s cool to make fun of blind people. I just don’t think you can be a secret blind. Okay? And if there’s gonna be one group of people that’s really mad at me, that feels like a safe one. [audience laughing] “We’re gonna get you!” Are you? [audience laughing] I shouldn’t be baiting the crowd like this. I really shouldn’t. People ask, “Is this a dangerous time for comedians?” You know, I don’t know if you saw, Chappelle got tackled on-stage. And just all this crazy shit’s been happening. When they ask, I’m like, “Yes.” “I’m on the front lines every night.” Like, no. Not if you’re me, you know. Maybe if you’re them, you have these spry… I’m like, “My people are like me. Okay?” We’re tired. [audience laughing] [chuckles] Nobody’s tackling anybody. We’re all too tired. I don’t know about you, here’s where I am with my energy level lately. If I sit down and realize I didn’t grab the remote… [audience laughing] I’ll just sit there… for as long as it takes. Right? There’s one of us in every relationship. The piece of shit. Right? You just sit there. You wait for your partner to come in. “Hey, can you grab the remote?” It’s like, “Have you been sitting here for two hours?” Goes to sit down. “And also can you get me another drink? Oh.” What else is going on in my life? Oh, I have a little boy. [audience cheering] A little boy. Yeah. I don’t know if I’m a good parent. I think I’m just getting used to failing. Is that what being a parent is? Just… Just bombing. It’s like stand-up. You know, you just get used to it. I just… I don’t think anybody’s failed as hard as I did, as quickly, though. Do you know what I named my son? Let me walk you through it, okay? Listen up, Libby. So… Our son’s first name is Gene. Okay? Gene. Basic. We named him after my husband’s mom, who passed away, which is very sad, of course. [audience laughing] But also, to not… have a mother-in-law… [audience laughing] It sounds like somebody has a lucky hump. So… Very sad, of course. My husband’s last name is Fischer. That’s why I, Amy, didn’t take it. [audience laughing] It’s… You might be a little young for this reference, Libby, but… Google “Amy Fisher” when you get home. And, uh, it’s not good. So… Then came his middle name, and that’s… That’s where I fucked up. Okay? I, uh, I wanted to pay tribute to my favorite comedian, my good friend, Mr. Dave Attell. – All right. So I… [small cheer] That’s about right. So I… [audience laughing] Truly my favorite comedian of all time. So we gave him the middle name “Attell.” So I was about a month into being a new mom, sitting on the couch when I realized that I’ve named my son… “Genital Fissure.” [audience laughing] Anybody ever fuck up like that? I don’t think so. We changed his middle name as soon as we realized. I think it’s better. We changed it to “Fingerbang Shit-Snatch.” Is that better? Or… Is anybody here pregnant? Any pregnant people here? Oh, congratulations. Are you keeping it? [audience laughing] Hey, we’re in one of the states where we still have a choice. Right? [audience cheering] Can you believe it? In Wisconsin, I didn’t want to ask the crowd. You know? It’s, like, yeah. They could always drive to Illinois. Just recommending. But, uh… Yeah. People love giving pregnant women advice, don’t they? They love it. They just love it. The whole time I was pregnant, I have this one friend, she’d always tell me, She’s like, “You have to do prenatal yoga.” “It really helps with the birth. Prenatal yoga.” So I immediately signed up for a C-section. [audience laughing] Because, fuck that, okay? If I’m ever in downward dog, I fell. Upward humpback Jew. That’s my resting pose, right here. I did. I had a… I had a C. Came out the sunroof. And, uh… You know, some women feel like they failed if they don’t give birth vaginally. And the only thing that really comforts me is my still-perfect pussy. It’s really… [audience cheering] No, it’s not. It’s not good. Trust me. Things still shift, you know what I mean? I don’t… I don’t know what it is. When I take a bath, I feel like I fill up. You know? I just kinda… floating in there. Just… Just kind of squishing around after for hours. But they tell you, no matter how you give birth, C-section, vaginal… They almost never come out of your asshole. They tell you… [audience laughing] The doctor is very serious right after you give birth. They say, “Now, listen, you cannot have sex for six weeks.” “Okay? No sex. Six weeks.” I’m like, “Okay, let me write that down. Six…” I’m like, “Oh, wait, remember when you just, uh, Wolverine’d my FUPA open?” [audience laughing] How about six years? That’s when I think I’ll want to do that again. “His foot got caught on my intestines on the way out.” “When can I get raw-dogged from behind?” [chuckles] These… “I need dick!” Like, who’s…? “Five weeks?” Yeah, okay. I had this awful condition while I was pregnant called hyperemesis gravidarum. Severe nausea and vomiting, the whole pregnancy. I was so relieved when I was diagnosed, it was like six months in. I was like, “Okay, we know what it is. What do we do?” And they explained to me, “We haven’t been able to study it because it only happens to women.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] “But if your husband wants, we have chewable Viagra.” Which is a real product. Because, sometimes, it’s scary to take a pill. [audience laughing] “I wanna get hard, but I don’t want to take a pill.” [audience cheering] “Okay, you can chew it. Okay.” I have severe endometriosis. Very painful. A debilitating disease. About 10% of women have that. There are no studies. But if your dick curves slightly one way, they got you, bro! Any dick-mergency, the Paw Patrol is on the way! Got a hysterectomy this year. Wanted to lose those last three pounds, am I right, ladies? [chuckles] No. I had to get it removed because of my endometriosis. And, uh… It was a big surgery. They took out my uterus, they found cysts in my ovaries. They found a tumor in my appendix. But the craziest thing they found was that my liver was fine. [audience laughing] It’s such a fun New York moment right after that surgery. I was walking around feeling sorry for myself, and there was this group of big meathead dudes. One of them recognized me and goes, “Hey! Amy Schumer!” “How you doing?” I was feeling kind of honest. You know, I was like, “Not great. I just had my uterus removed.” [audience laughing] And his response made me feel so much better. He goes, “Oh, no!” [audience laughing] “You should get it back!” I’m like, “That’s not…” “That’s not really how that works, but thank you, sir.” I feel so much better after getting that surgery, the laparoscopy and all that. I, uh… If you have endometriosis… The only way I can describe how much better I feel, is like if you ever saw Willy Wonka, you know those old people that are all in that bed, 69-ing all day, like… [audience laughing] [moans] And the one grandpa gets the golden ticket and he gets out and clicks his heels. Like, that’s me. You know… That’s how much better I feel. I’m like a new person… I’m a new mom. You know, I can run with my son now. I don’t, but, uh… You know. I, uh… We had a medical emergency in the audience last weekend on the road. It was very strange. I learned a lot about my crowd. It was in the balcony. This guy was having a seizure. He’s fine. You know, I… I didn’t follow up. But I’m assuming, you know, I would have heard. No, he’s fine. But, uh… But in the moment it was scary. We had to turn the house lights on. This is when I learned about my crowd, because I was like, “We need a doctor! Go!” Not one. [audience laughing] The entire audience, not one doctor. So I’m like, okay, “Nurses!” And there were like 40 nurses but they were all hammered. [audience laughing] They’re like, “We’re not on-call. Fuck you!” I was like, “Fair.” Thank God for our nurses. You know? [audience cheering] Yeah. Fuck yeah. I really couldn’t… couldn’t sleep after that. It was just… It was alarming, you know? It was like… I mean, I can never sleep anyway. I’m such a bad sleeper. Whenever I say that, somebody is like, “Have you tried melatonin?” [audience laughing] “CBD?” I’m like, “I need heroin, okay?” Fucking melatonin. Get outta here. I mean, they told us how we can get better sleep. We all know the advice, right? They said, “If you want the best night of sleep of your life, an hour before you go to bed, turn your phone off.” What do we all say? “No.” [audience laughing] “That’s crazy.” “Oh, you don’t care about sleep?” I care about sleep more than anything in the world. I’ll take any pill, I’ll have any surgery. “Why not just 15 minutes before you go to bed, power down?” “Fuck you!” [audience laughing] I need to be staring into the abyss of my phone as I’m falling asleep, okay? Plus, I need to be reading something. I’m eating. [scoffs] [audience laughing] They did do one study on women. You may have read about this. They found that social media is harmful to young girls. Thank you, NASA. We know. Right? Since we’ve been in town, I saw this group of girls, maybe 12 years old. These little girls were taking selfies. You know, and they knew their angles. Know what I’m saying? Maybe some people don’t know. Like… Like, your angles… Okay. Like, see how my leg looks if you look straight on? Get a shot of this, Tom. Look at that. Disgusting. [audience laughing] What is that, Gollum? That’s heinous. Now watch this. Bam! Whoa! Everyone’s hard. [audience laughing] And they knew their good side, these 12-year-old girls. They see so many pictures of themselves. Like, I’m 41. I know my angles. Okay? At this point, the photographer gets in a tree, and I dig a deep trench. I kinda get down there… That’s me. That’s where I shine, you know? Twelve years old. Remember when we were 12? Somebody took a picture of us once a year. [audience laughing] Right? Maybe twice if we had a school dance. Right? Somebody’s dad had a camera. It was like, “Whoa! I didn’t know Lindsay was rich! Her dad has a whole camera!” We didn’t know our angles. They’d say, “Cheese!” And we’d all just kinda… [grunts] Looked like we were shitting ourselves. Because we were. Because all we ate was dairy. Right? We didn’t have oat milk, or almond milk, or Erewhon. [audience laughing] We had whole milk. And we drank it with every meal. You’d have a grilled-cheese sandwich with a cup of milk. Our skin was bad, we were farting all over the place. It was disgusting. But we were happy, goddamn it. [audience cheering] Right? I don’t know, Libby. Twenty-seven. What would it be like to be 27 now? You grew up seeing so many more pictures of yourself. Here’s a good thing. You are definitely vaccinated for chicken pox. Probably don’t even know it. Remember our vaccine for chicken pox? Is that your mom would push you in a room… [audience laughing] …with neighbors who had them, just… [groans] She’d go, “Get it!” That was our vaccine. “Go get it!” Horrifying. You’re definitely vaccinated for HPV. And I feel bad for you. You’re missing out on an important character-building experience. [audience laughing] We all had it. All my friends, we all got it. Admitted it to each other after college. We’re all crying. “I’m a whore!” [mock crying] “I’m gonna have to tell all my future partners!” Never told one person. [mock crying] We all got it. I’m still really close with my girls from high school. I feel so lucky about that friendship. Yeah. It’s the best. I realized though… that we text each other like we’re fucking. Like, I text them in this intimate way I would never text my husband. You know? I’ll be like… “Text me the second you’re home safe.” “Home.” “Thank God.” [audience laughing] “Your ass in those jeans tonight, what?” “When can we be together again?” If Chris ever got a text like that from me, he’d think I was fucking kidnapped. He’d call the police. I was out drinking with my girlfriends one night. And, uh… We were talking about how lazy we’ve gotten, sexually. And, uh, I was like, “What if we text all of our husbands ‘Do you want to have phone sex right now?'” We were crying we were laughing so hard. We thought… We thought it was so funny. And we did it, and we got such different responses from these dudes. My husband wrote back the fastest, okay, and he just wrote, “Fuck you.” [audience laughing] Okay. That’s fair. It’s what I deserve. You know? And my friend Jess’ husband, we declared the loser because he just wrote, “Too tired.” [audience laughing] We’re such hypocrites. We were pissed. And then, uh… My friend Caroline’s husband said, uh, “When the kids go to bed.” Not bad. But the winner, we declared, was my friend Andrea’s husband, who just immediately called. Hello? [audience laughing] Joke was on her. She had to have phone sex with her husband that night. She answered like she was in a horror film. “Hello?” I love my girls. They’re all teachers and nurses from Long Island. and they, uh… Yeah. Teachers. [audience cheering] Holy shit. Thank you, teachers. They came with me when I hosted the Oscars. They were on the red carpet with me, and it was… It was so fun having them there. And they were so excited. At first. [audience laughing] Just… We just get used to shit so quick, don’t we? These girls, at first they’re so starstruck. They’re like, [gasps] “There’s Ryan Reynolds!” And, “Is that Taylor Swift?” And then 20 minutes later, my friend Jess walks over smoking a cigarette. She’s like, “Meryl Streep’s chatty.” [audience laughing] [exhales] This bitch. You know? I love my girls. We all got married. I can’t believe we got married. We, uh… All of us. I’ve only been married for five years, but this is what I think marriage is so far. I think marriage is finding someone who can stand you. [audience laughing] Is that too romantic? Find someone who can fucking stand you. Especially during the pandemic when we were all just home, just… Staring at each other. Judging. Waiting to criticize each other. “You gonna chew like that?” [audience laughing] “No. No.” “Didn’t know if you’re trying to wake the neighbors ’cause it’s so loud. But no.” My husband… We were fighting… What was our last fight? Oh, we went to see Top Gun. Anybody see Top Gun? [audience cheering] It was cute, right? I was impressed. Do you know that Tom Cruise does all his own Scientology? [audience laughing] I dragged him there. I wanted to see it in the theater. You know, we were fighting. I don’t remember what about. I remember I was right. But, uh… But… This is why I like being married because it’s, you know, he said, “I don’t even want to be near you right now.” Before we were married, I would have been like… But I’m like, “Can I have your wallet? I still want to see Top Gun.” [audience laughing] Kinda throws it to me. He leaves. I just walked to the movie. I’m like, “Fuck this guy. I’ll see him at home. [mutters] Half a block later, he’s back walking next to me. Gave him his wallet. We didn’t talk about it. Just moved on. Gotta keep it moving. Right? Keep it moving. But he can stand me. Do you guys know who Hilaria Baldwin is? [audience laughing] I’m saying it wrong. I’m sorry. [Spanish accent] Hilaria… Baldwin. [normal accent] Okay. So, I just can’t wrap my head around this story. If you don’t know who I mean, this is Alec Baldwin’s wife. Okay? And I met her years ago, backstage at SNL. Alec was like, “I want you to meet my wife.” And I saw her, and I said, “No, thank you.” [audience laughing] I’m trying to hang on to my self-esteem. Okay? She is a tiny Disney princess, and I… look like Ben Roethlisberger from most angles. She came over. [Spanish accent] “I’m Hilaria from Espania.” [normal accent] Very thick Spanish accent. Okay? From Spain. You might have seen her on a morning show doing a cooking demonstration where she had trouble remembering how to pronounce the word [Spanish accent] “How you say, ‘cucumber’?” [normal accent] She was wearing a dress. They said, “Where’s your dress…?” [Spanish accent] “I don’t know if you have it, It’s from Zara.” [normal accent] They have a von Traap-amount of children, and, uh… [audience laughing] And they named them all, I’m not sure, but, very Spanish names like Jamón, and Croqueta, and Flamenco. You know? And all of this would be fine and beautiful, except… [Spanish accent] …that Hilaria from Espania… [normal accent] …is actually Hillary from Boston. [audience laughing] This woman is in no way Spanish. Her parents are not from Spain. No one in her life is from Spain. You went, “What?” Did you think I was just doing a really racist Spanish impression…? You’re like, “Wow. Wow.” So, I’m not trying to bully a sociopath. I have a point. Okay? [audience laughing] So I think what had happened was… I think she went to Spain. Because, again, I cannot tell you how much her family is not from Spain. They were early settlers in the U.S. I’m not fucking with you, they were on the Mayflower. That’s how much this chick is from Boston. But… I think what had happened was, she went to Spain. And I’ve been lucky enough to go to Spain. Some of you have. It’s great, right? Don’t you love it? I loved it, too. But Hillary from Boston fucking loved it. [Spanish accent] “I am going to be from it!” [normal accent] Did you know you can just decide where you’re from? Like, on my driver’s license, it says that I am from Splash Mountain. [audience laughing] Isn’t that great? Libby, do you ever go on vacation and have a good time? Where? Where’d you go? [Libby] Mexico. Mexico? You’re from there. Enjoy. Enjoy. So here’s my point, okay. I actually have a point. Okay. My point is… that all evidence points to this woman, since she met her husband, has straight-up pretended to be from Spain. And her husband shot someone. Now, stay with me! [audience laughing] Stay with me. My point is… neither of them give a fuck. Find someone who can stand you. [audience cheering] My husband. The love of my life. We have sex sometimes. And, uh, married people, have you found this? We’ve found the best weekday to have sex is always tomorrow. [audience laughing] Is that when you guys have sex? “We ate today. Maybe we won’t… eat tomorrow. That’ll be a big day for us. You know?” “Yeah, we’ll definitely fuck each other tomorrow.” And then you do it. And you act like you went on some excursion. Like you were bowling. “That was fun. We have to remember we like doing that.” [audience laughing] “We should bowl more. Why don’t we bowl?” If it were up to me, I’d bowl once a week. You too, yeah? Tomorrow. Tomorrow. My husband’s amazing. He always turns the lights on right before we have sex. You know? I shut ’em off, and he puts ’em on. Finally, he’s like, “Why are you so shy? I love your body. All your scars.” “You’re beautiful.” You know? And I was like, “Oh.” “You’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me.” [audience laughing] “Baby, my laser is about to kick in.” My husband actually just said these words to me before we had sex. He said, “Do you need me to go down on you?” “Do I need you to?” I’m like, “No, I just saw Top Gun. Thanks.” [audience laughing] It’s hard to have sex with your spouse. I’ll say it. Because that’s your family. It’s like, we just had Thanksgiving together. I’m not gonna suck your dick. You’re my emergency contact for Christ’s sake! [audience laughing] That’s disgusting. Can’t talk dirty to each other anymore. We know each other too well. You know, I’m like, “I’m gonna…” He’s like, “No, you’re not.” “No, I’m not.” “I want you to come all over…” “No, you don’t. No.” “No, I don’t.” We do a lot of roleplay. But I always pick the same role. You know, I’m always like, “Okay. I… am in a coma.” [audience laughing] “Go.” [audience laughing] I love him so much. I do. My husband is on the autism spectrum. And… Thank you. Thank you. It used to be called Asperger’s, but then they found out that Dr. Asperger had Nazi ties. Hate when that happens, right? Like some of our neighbors lately. Okay? Can we please love Jews? There aren’t that many of us left. Okay? [audience cheering] So, yeah, he’s on the autism spectrum. And, uh… It’s called Autism Spectrum Disorder. And getting diagnosed has been so helpful to our family and to him, in helping us communicate. Making his life better, our life better, and he’s so fucking cool and brave that he’s down to be open about it, when there’s such a stigma, when it’s so stupid. because he’s my favorite person in the whole fucking world, other than my son, of course. [audience cheering] People don’t know much about autism. They hear and go, “Oh, does he love to count?” [audience laughing] “Should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor and… he can gather them and count them?” I’m like, “Yeah, fuck it. Do it. Might be fun. I don’t know.” “I’d like to check that out, personally.” Being diagnosed, getting tested, just… it’s helped us so much. Like, I understand his behavior now. You know? Like, when someone’s in the middle of a long, boring story, he will straight up just walk away. [audience laughing] I’m like, “Where’s this motherfucker going?” Never really lands a compliment with me. He tells me I look comfortable a lot. We just have different love languages. You know? Like, I was feeling kind of sentimental the other night. We were sitting outside. It was… a nice night. It looked like it was gonna rain, and, uh… I just said, “You know, baby, even though these last couple of years, raising a toddler during a pandemic, it’s been so stressful. But still, getting to be with you, with our son, these have by far been the best years of my life.” And he just looked at me and he said, “I’m gonna go put the windows up in the car.” [audience laughing] That’s my guy, you know? Yeah. That’s when we play the game, “Autism, or Just a Man?” I don’t know. [audience laughing] Right? This has been such a special, special show, special night. I’m gonna leave you with what he said to me right before I came out on stage tonight. I said, “Babe… is this okay?” He said, “Well, it’s too late.” [audience laughing] Thank you so much, LA! I love you! I can stand you! [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] It’s so easy. |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lisa-lampanelli-back-to-the-drawing-board-2015-full-transcript/ | LISA LAMPANELLI: BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD (2015) – Full Transcript | lisa lampanelli | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lisa Lampanelli! ¶ Hello, New York! All right. Welcome to the best night of your sad, pathetic freakin’ lives. This is gonna be a great night ’cause not only am I hilarious, you get to look at me for over an hour. Go ahead. Oh, yes. Work, bitch. No, I’m telling you, you may have noticed I made some appearance changes, recently lost 107 pounds. What! “What’d you say? Ooh, 107. She look good.” And here’s the thing. It’s enough of an accomplishment to lose that weight, but I actually kept it off for three freakin’ years, and I know, that’s the hard part, right? And you know what? I know you guys look at me like a life coach, a mentor, a role model, and so I’ll you how I kept it off. I don’t hold no freakin’ secrets. Listen to this shit. If you learn to use bulimia the right way– Just eat stuff that tastes as good coming up as it did going down. Just saying. No, that actually isn’t even true, but it’s God’s cruel joke that I was ever freakin’ fat. It freakin’ sucked, ’cause I was born skinny. I wasn’t born to be a fat cunt. Guess what happened. I hit 18, everything went crazy, it did, so I went every goddamn diet in the world, and let me tell you all about ’em, ’cause they’re all designed to make us fucking failures and hate ourselves more, this diet industry. First of all, that Weight Watchers, they can lick my left clam, okay? Right? And oh, my God, Nutrisystem? Are you fucking kidding me what that shit? All I can say about Nutrisystem is that Marie Osmond is a lying freakin’ whore, okay? That boxed food tastes like Mrs. Dog the Bounty Hunter’s snatch hole. Ugh, and then this Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig. I tried that horrible program twice, it don’t work. Maybe the reason it don’t work is ’cause every time I go there, the counselor who’s trying to make me lose weight is still fucking fat. Really? Oh, okay, I’m gonna trust a fat bitch on how to lose weight. Why don’t I just call up Bill Cosby for some rape prevention advice? Yeah, you can clap. He’s a raper. He is a raper. But seriously, I wasn’t even supposed to be fat during my life. Oh, my God, but I went away to college. That’s when it all started. I was lonely. It’s terrible. I used food for emotional reasons. Some of you fat bitches know what I’m talking about. Look at this whore. No, not by rubbing it on your junk, bitch. I’m talking about you use it as a friend, and yes, did I eat an ice cream sandwich in the shower? Yes, I did, but I’m a freakin’ lady. The one time I ate pork chops on the toilet, I flushed those bones. But college was hard, man, and honestly, I’m telling you only the truth tonight about myself. Okay, the worst thing that happened to me in college was the night that I had a date rapist who took no for an answer. How unattractive must you feel when the known rapist you thought you could count on just to stick the tip in just a little after all the sororities rejected you, how must you feel when that guy looks at his watch and says, “Eh, you know what? “It’s kind of late. Those joggers in the park ain’t gonna rape themselves, so–” I’m like, “Come back, Dr. Huxtable, come back!” So honestly, I struggle with my weight. 18 years old to 50, and three years ago, I said, “Fuck it. I’m gonna save my own life.” ‘Cause let me tell you, if I die, who the hell else is gonna come out here and call you all spics and blacks and cunts? Nobody’s brave like Lisa Lampanelli. So here’s what ha-happened. I go to this doctor, and he says he’s gonna do this operation called the “gastric sleeve.” This means they cut out 85% of your stomach so you can’t eat like you got ten rectums no more. And of course I get the funny doctor. Like, this is the thing, man. Okay, everybody’s nervous during surgery, but my doctor thinks he’s hilarious. He’s one of them Indian doctors, you know? No, no, not the, you know, laying in a curb drunk by a casino Indian. You know, not the bad negotiating, they’ll take a fucking necklace and give us Rhode Island fucking idiots. Feather-headed morons. No, I’m talking about that other type of Indians. You know, the stinky cow-worshiping guys. Expedia.com thinks a freakin’ cow is a god. Are you fucking kidding me? So headset not headdress Indian. So anyway, so it ends up, I go for the surgery. 5:00 a.m., I get to the hospital. I get all nervous. I said to him, “Listen, Dr. Apu, I have a question. “Can I get my stomach back reinstalled if I get hungry?” And guess what he says. He’s like, “Oh, no, no, no, no, “no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, “my friend, my friend, my friend, my friend. “We’re going to use your stomach to cover the infield at Yankee Stadium.” You know what’s wild too? Ever since I lost the weight, every interviewer starts with, “Oh, my God, you must love the way you look.” Let me tell you something. I’m 53 freakin’ years old. In clothes, I’m clearly ridiculously hot. In clothes, I am a tasty piece of ass. However, out of clothes, just like the rest of you messes over 40, I am freakin’ horrifying. No, people, I don’t give a crap if you were a supermodel when you were in your 20s. Right now, keep your goddamn clothes on. You make me fucking vomit. I hate you. Especially you men, have some goddamn dignity. Shower in a freakin’ robe. Spare your fucking significant other some stress and drama. Because there’s always something wrong with somebody’s body over 40. There’s always, like, a cellulite mass bubbling around back there, a freakin’ varicose bumpy vein threatening to pop all over TSA, and then my flight is fucking cancelled, a stray cunt hair flailing in the breeze. Now, I make it a specific point never to see myself naked in a mirror, just to preserve the shred of self-esteem I have mustered, but oh, my God. Today, the hotel they have me in, that mirror snuck up on me, and I caught a glimpse of my naked, cellulite-y, flabby, flat, Howard Stern-looking ass. It looked like I sat on a gravel driveway naked for five hours. Like, “Holy crap. “Is that an ass or a relief map of the Himalayan Mountains, for God’s sake?” Now, here’s the deal. As you probably know, ’cause I’m quite famous, I recently got a divorce from my ex-husband, Jimmy Big Balls. It’s okay, it’s very amicable, thank God, and he also lost 98 pounds. Now, the reason I call him Jimmy Big Balls, you might not know if you’re fucking stupid. You can’t put two and– Okay, picture this guy’s freakin’ head. Imagine two of those in a pair of Hanes tighty whiteys. Actual size. I mean, that sack, Jesus Christ. It looked like two little midgets fighting their way out of a pink, hairy parachute. I hadn’t seen anything that big and hairy since I gave Snooki a Pap smear. But see, this is how I know that God hates me. Even though Jimmy loses all this weight and looks great, every time he lost an ounce, it gravitated and it migrated and eventually settled in that fucking beanbag chair of a nut sack until he had to hold it up when he took a shit just in case. And you know how I knew it was big? Oh, Madone! One day, he’s laying in bed naked, and he goes, “Hey, check it out.” I look, sir. His ball was resting on my side of the bed. See, now, I try to be positive ’cause I’m a person who projects much light and love, and it was like, “Oh, my God, wow! At least we never have to buy throw pillows again.” But you know what, folks? Since I’m telling you the truth, I will tell you this. I think that is the night that I knew the marriage was not meant to be. No, you laugh, but seeing, um, that ball on the sheet and, um, the other one on the nightstand was– Now, like I said, I am one lucky bitch that I do not have a nasty divorce, and part of it I think is– Is that we didn’t have kids. Now, black guy, are you a black or a half spic, half black? That would make you six years a slave, my friend. The gay guys are getting worried. “Oh, my God! Help us.” Okay, are you a black guy then? Let me– Oh, you’re Jamaican. Oh, that–okay. No wonder this hot bitch is with you, holy shit. How many kids you got? You got “keeds”? You got “keeds,” motherfucker? You got “keeds”? How many you got? Two? Two, two, two, two, two, two. Yeah, son. Yeah, son. How old are your kids? Four and ten? Is this their mom? Of course not. Why would she be? You don’t want to mess with fine traditions. No, but hey, God bless you for having those kids. Divorce is hard if you have kids, but here’s the thing. I never wanted no “keeds.” I’m like the gift to the world, you know. I don’t want you to be tied down to only loving two little fucking idiot kids that I gave birth to. I am a gift to you people.
I’m like all of your ma, but here’s the problem. I’m sad now ’cause I’ll never have grandkids. That makes me kind of sad. Like, does anybody here have grandchildren? Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Sir, sir, do you love them? – Is it so much fun? – Yes. Oh, my God. It’s got to be a blast. Listen, all of yous, when you have grandkids, do what I would do and I’m sure what this guy does. You have them over to your house for a nice sleepover, and you spoil the crap out of those kids, and you get them all hopped up on sugar. They get whatever they freakin’ want, and then you get ’em their own first Starbucks, ’cause it’s never too early for the one-year-old baby’s caffeine. It’s a beautiful thing. Then you keep ’em up all night as a way of paying back your ungrateful piece of shit son who married that know-it-all cunt that he met in medical school, and she thinks she’s better than you and wouldn’t take no suggestions for the wedding ’cause she’s so fucking high class with the fucking house in Martha’s Vineyard. Fuck that cunt. She don’t know it all. You even made your dress for the wedding, and she didn’t even put out nice feelings for you from the goodness of your heart. Well, fuck that whore. Yes, you return that kid to them with no sleep, hopped up on sugar, and with a big shitty diaper. That shitty diaper– The shitty diaper is king. The shitty diaper is the way of sending a message home to your son. “Aha! “This is what you get for hitting puberty and jerking off into Mommy’s fur coat.” You know who hates that joke? Lesbians. Dykes hate that joke. They’re all into the environment and these fucking animals. Who gives a shit? Minks and chinchillas were bred to be worn by Lisa Lampanelli. I–they love being killed for me. No, lesbians really do hate that joke. Oh, my God, I remember. Oh, my God. I once got an angry email from some “lesbeen” because I had had a chinchilla coat made. Now, by the way, don’t even think of booing fur coats, okay, ’cause the only people who boo fur, hello, can’t freakin’ afford fur. I will kill and wear anything. I do not give a crap. Hector, I will come to your house, take your five little Chihuahuas, sew ’em together, and wear ’em like Cruella de Vil on a Wednesday. I don’t care. Hey, I’ll do you one better. If your children have an interesting skin tone, I’ll skin those little bastards and rub the lotion on its skin. Oh, my God, not even one moan for killing children and wearing them. I think this is my type of town, folks. Party! Now, I called you a Latino. Are you Latino? Oh, my God, 100%? Yes, Papi Chulo. What don’t you do for a living? That’s so unfair. There’s black people behind you. I find that fascinating. Thank you. Speaking of black people, here’s the deal. I–now that I’m single— Oh, my God. Now that I’m single, my whore friends are like, “Oh, Lisa, you should go out there, and get out there. You’re like a cougar.” People, I’m 50-freakin’-3 years old. That’s too old. Cougar cutoff is 49. I’m not a cougar. I just have an old pussy. Bob Barker keeps chasing it around trying to spay and neuter the freakin’ thing. But here’s what ha-happened. I don’t know what type of guy I’m supposed to date right now ’cause think about it. Before I married Jimmy, I had actually enjoyed the chocolate love. It is well documented. I had more black guys behind me than Obama. Yes, I did. But now, these freakin’ black guys, they won’t look at me no more ’cause I lost weight, and they don’t like that I have no fucking ass. They don’t like that, ’cause you know, Tyrone, the blacks enjoy– They like an ass with its own address so the welfare checks will go to the right place. But then I said to myself, “Ooh, Paco, maybe I should date one of these illegals.” No. Are you legally in this country, sir? Yeah. No, I thought to myself, maybe I should date a Latino, but oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That’s a little risky for me, ’cause right now, I’m a rich white woman, and a rich white woman dating a Latino, please. That’s like somebody who adopts a pit bull. At some point something’s gonna go horribly wrong. So I thought, “At least give everybody a chance,” and I figured out the only type of nationality I never had a date with was an Asian. I know. It was just an oversight. It’s easy to see over those little fucking flat heads and squinty eyes. And I was like, “Oh, my God, I am not dating an Asian.” I’m sorry. No–no offense, but I spent so much effort getting rid of my extra chins. I am not inviting anymore in. But that did seem racist, so I said, “You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna check it out slowly. Put a toe in.” Figuratively. Freakin’ fags, always go to putting something in the ass. I rented this porno, and it was an Asian dude with a white broad. No. It was way too scary. Every time she said she wanted it doggy style, he whipped out a frying pan. Somebody has to explain this to you? You fucking retard. He goes, “I don’t know. I don’t know.” They eat dogs. Putting two and three together, you fucking idiot. Jesus Christ. What are you? – Are you a Latino, man? – No. What are you, sir? Half black, half white. Yeah. Nice combo. So he works part-time. Very nice. Very good. So who–who was black, mom or dad? Mom? What’s your father’s name? Dwight. Isn’t that impressive, that he knows who his father is? Shocking. You’re a nice guy, man. What’s your name? I like you. Don, is this your white bitch right here? This your white bitch? Who are you hanging on, lesbian Flock of Seagulls haircut? Who am I to fucking talk, right? Justin Bieber fucked Miley Cyrus for this hairdo. I like this crowd. This is a really good crowd. Here’s what I’m telling you. You know why I like you? ‘Cause you get the jokes. You’re supportive. Here’s LL’s deal. I’m talking about myself in the third person. Yes. With initials. How freakin’ pretentious is that shit? Okay, here’s how I roll. I feel like the biggest thing I hate is when comics come up on a stage, they just get a divorce, and then they’re anti-marriage. That’s bullshit. I think marriage is a beautiful thing, a wonderful thing, and I plan to do it at least three more times, ’cause I love weddings. What I think is even great is most of these states are getting on the case and legalizing gay marriage. Isn’t that fantastic? I do not understand how people can be against gay marriage. Guess what I figure. If they’re against gay marriage, they’re big closet-case dick suckers. That’s what they are. Yup, they are deeper in the closet than Melissa McCarthy’s workout clothes. Fuck you. I can say it till I gain my weight back in three years. But honestly and from my heart, I really feel like if, as a gay person, you are lucky enough to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, you have every right to be just as miserable as us straight people are. In fact, you know what? I think tomorrow, all 50 states plus Guam y Puerto Rico should legalize gay marriage, but then the very next day, they should outlaw gay divorce. Ah! You asked for it, you got it, cornholers. Good luck splitting up that Crate & Barrel registry, you dirty homos. You too, lesbians. Fucking go to Home Depot and get your money back. I’ve been thinking about marriage a lot, and I’ve been thinking, do you know what? I have noticed the only two people who shouldn’t be allowed to get married, two freakin’ ugly people. Have you seen the travesty that can result from that unholy union? I’ll give you a nice little illustration and a parallel. Say two nice fags like them get married. They move in next door to you. They have a beautifully manicured yard, a lovely organized toolshed with the vibrators in descending order. All the little cock rings are color coded on penis-shaped pegs. Pretty soon they adopt a little Asian baby ’cause an Asian is easier to get than a real kid. Pretty soon, around the neighborhood, a dry cleaning establishment pops up, then a nail salon. Then when she’s 21, they buy her her own happy ending, rub-and-tug massage parlor. What’s the worst thing that could happen when two ugly people get married? Three words, Honey Boo Boo. That’s what can happen. Honey Boo Boo’s the worst. Did you see how Honey Boo Boo’s mom was dating a pedophile, and Honey Boo Boo’s so fucking unattractive, that guy wouldn’t even fuck her? Oh, come on, man. You ever notice fat kids never get molested? ‘Cause the guy never has enough candy to get the kid into the van. You know what’s funny? My audience happens to always be the coolest people, ’cause they can really take a joke, but, oh, my God. In 25 years in this business, I’ve only gotten protested four times. That’s pretty freakin’ good, right? I mean, hello. The first time I got protested– You can look it up. This is absolutely true. I got protested in Rochester, New York, by deaf people. Now, you laugh, but you didn’t have to be there. Do you know how confusing a protest by deaf people is? I go up to the theater, like, “Uhh!” I’m like, “Oh, my God, did you just say I’m pretty?” Now, the other three times I got protested was by the most disgusting, hateful group on the planet, the freaks at the Westboro Baptist Church. – Boo! – Thank you. If you don’t know who the Westboro Baptist Church is, first of all, I object to anyone who calls themself a church when the church has nothing to do with love, God, or spirituality. It’s all about hating other people, so don’t use the word “church,” bitch. They are actually a group of 70 inbreds in Topeka, Kansas, who have three real teeth and four slack jaws between ’em, and they’ve developed this disgusting hate website called godhatesfags.com, which is reprehensible, except the name’s really funny. I wish I had thought of it, personally. Now, these Westboro inbreds don’t like Lisa Lampanelli because I have some gay fans, so I figured out how to get those assholes back. I decided to become an ordained minister and marry 20 gay couples right in front of their inbred eyes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Isn’t that great? But sadly, I find out right before I get there, they don’t have no fag marriage over in Topeka, so I had a better idea. I ran into the theater, gathered all the gays, and we ran outside. We stood 10 feet from those sign-waving retards, and we all had a big, huge, gay make-out session, with tongues and everything, and we all chanted, “We’re here. We’re queer. One beer and you’ll be here.” John Travolta was right there beside us. Oh, finally, people are getting on board. Travolta–Danny Zuko is a fucking fag. Please, are you kidding me? 50 massage therapists are not lying, all right? Grease is the word for what’s up his freakin’ butthole. Now, gay guys, if you ever get married, do you want children? Do you want kids? No, no. Listen, man, I have a maternal instinct, though, about one thing. I always wanted a dog. No, I love a little dog. No, do me a favor, though. I’m gonna say this in all serious– If you want to get a dog, don’t be a douche bag and go buy one. You go to the North Shore Animal League, another shelter, and you adopt one of these little homeless mutts. They need a home. Now, this is a win-win for everybody. Think about it. If you buy a dog, that’s like 1,500 clams at the least. You adopt one of these scroungy little homeless mutts running around, you don’t like him in two days, just put him right back in the middle of the street. Nobody knows nothing. Just give it to the Asian bitch. She’ll cook it up with tofu. It’s like when you adopt a little kid. You’re not really that attached to that fucking kid. He didn’t come out of your clam. You don’t care. Send him back to Russia to hang out with the other communists, Ivan the Terrible. I give a fuck less. Oh, adoptees are here? Wah. Yeah, you’re special ’cause you were chosen. That’s what the Jews thought too. I joke, you know I love my heebie friends and accountants and lawyers. So anyway, I adopted the greatest dog in history. Oh, my God. I named him Parker after Sarah Jessica Parker. No, because of the really astounding resemblance. You know what, people? I’m, like, really disappointed in you right now. Let me set the goddamn record straight. SJP does not look like a dog. She looks exactly like a horse. Okay, this is really mean. I can’t even believe I joke about her, ’cause she is, like, my hero of my whole life, but okay. Listen, listen, listen. Don’t tell her. There’s a website that’s literally called, www.SarahJessicaParker lookslikeahorse.com, and they asked her on a talk show if she ever read it, and she went– And the host said, “Come on, how many times have you looked at it?” And she went– Anyway, my dog is awesome, but see, you got to know the rules. Here’s what you do. The first thing you do when you get your dog home, you go onto the computer, and you Google the words “service vest.” Ah, she knows the scam. This thing is a vest that you get to put on your little, rotten dog, and you get to take him anywhere you want, and nobody’s allowed to ask you what the hell is wrong with you. Somebody made the mistake of asking me why I had the dog. I said, “‘Cause I’m retarded.” Now, honestly, your dog doesn’t even have to be helpful. My dog seriously doesn’t do shit. He is about as useful as a Kardashian in a library. Okay, I’m not gonna get all derailed and talk about the Kardashians, but I am gonna say one thing about them that I’m pretty freakin’ pissed at. They stole my whole game, okay? I was banging the black guys first, all right, not those three hos. And by the way, they’re freakin’ hypocrites. Their names are Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé, KKK. Why do you fucking guys take the risk? So anyway, this vest you put on your dog, you take him anywhere, because it’s frowned upon, apparently, to leave your dog in a car with the windows rolled up. And you–you don’t want to be late. Like, black guy, suppose you are late. Well, that’s a given. But suppose you’re late for your appointment with your parole officer. Other black, suppose… they’re about to rerelease the McRib. Black people love ribs. It’s a fact. It’s not something I made up. We all know. Now, like I said, my dog’s useless, but now that the airlines are asking for a little note of what’s your problem, I had my shrink write me the note of notes, ’cause, first of all, he’s a perfect combo to be a good fucking liar. He’s spic and a fag, so this guy, Dr. Lopez or some shit, Lopez-a-fag-corn. He wrote on my note that I need the service dog because I have a rare fainting disorder, and my dog wakes me up if I’m about to hit my fucking head. Is that not the best excuse ever, combining the shifty Hispanic with the creative fag in one? But trust me, when you fly on these airlines and– Freakin’ airline– You know what, what the fuck? Who’s old here? Sir, you on the end. It’s not an insult. You’re an older man. How old are you, sir? 73. God bless you. Means he ain’t long for this fucking world. Sir, don’t you resent– Remember in the old days when you’d fly and everybody would get dressed up, and it was like an actual thing, and the stewardesses were sexy? They were hot. There was a weight requirement. Oy vey, I had two goddamn stewardesses on the flight. Looked like Shrek One and Shrek Two. I’m telling you, they won’t help you with nothing. They will not put your crap in your overhead bin, even if you’re faking a really authentic-looking rotator cuff injury like I was. Matter of fact, the only guys who ever helped me, the only stewardesses who ever did put it in the overhead for me, were a gay stewardess, a man. Those men will help you. Right, faggot? You’re very helpful. I know. Gay men love doing that for you ’cause they’re used to shoving big things into tiny little spaces. So I know all the rules about taking my dog on a plane, but one day, I have him in his little bag. He starts barking. Now, come on. Your heart’s got to go out to a pet like that. Oh, because I turn into a total queer when I’m talking to my dog. You guys would not recognize me in private. I’m like– “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?” But then I turn that way, and I can’t turn it off, and my gay friends come over, I’m like– “Who’s a good faggot? Who’s a good cornholer? Who’s a good cornholer?” And then they all lick each other’s asses, so it’s nice.
So my dog’s barking, the plane’s trying to take off, I feel bad for the passengers, I put his little bag on my lap, and then all I did was I took his little head out. It was so cute. I know, right? He was looking around, and then I took that zipper, and I put it against that goddamn larynx of his, and I put my lips to his little doggy left ear, and I said, “Shut the fuck up, Parker. “Shut your fucking mouth. “Mommy’s a fourth level fake-ass celebrity. “Shut your goddamn mouth. “I’ll fucking kill you in your sleep and feed you “to that chinky lady over at the fucking buffet. Shut the fuck up.” So he and I come to a nice understanding, but then guess what. Shrek One has to come up and interfere, and she’s like, “Uh, you have to put the head of the dog in the bag.” People, I’m no terrorist, so I’m not gonna yell at some bitch on a plane, but I just poked the dog in his ribs. I said, “No, it’s so he won’t bark,” and I poke him, and he goes, “Ahh.” So she’s being cool, but guess what. Guess who has to pipe up, get in the conversation. Fucking asshole sitting next to me figures he’s gonna state his opinion, but he don’t realize who the fuck he happens to be sitting next to. Another benefit of losing over 100 pounds and getting your hair cut to look like Rod Stewart’s half-a-lesbo sister. So the guy has the nerve to say, “Uh, why don’t you just leave the freakin’ dog at home?” Now, ladies and gentlemen, come on. I don’t act. I react. And I’m Lisa freakin’ Lampanelli. Are you kidding me with this? So, like, I can’t help what I say. So I honestly said this. It was so horrible. He goes, “Uh, why don’t you leave the freakin’ dog at home?” And I go, “Really, sir, great idea. “In the meantime, why don’t you go fuck your mother? “How’s that sound? “Yeah, ’cause I’m sure at one time or another, “I’ve had to listen to your ugly kids “screaming away when you should have had them “stowed in the overhead compartment wheels first, bitch.” Oh, oh, you guys didn’t know? That’s the new rule. If you have children under ten, they must be stowed in the overhead compartments. Would that not be the greatest? Oh, my God, I fucking hate those screaming kids. Oh, but by the way, there’s always a woman after the show who, like, really hates that joke, and, um, she finds it very difficult to hear humor like that. And she’s always a mom, always a white mom. The healthy snack mom. The mom who buys her kid food gluten-free as if gluten’s actually “a thing.” And she’s that mom who, now that she opened up her horrible, splotchy, bumpy thighs and that little freakin’ bloody head skyrocketed across the room, that she was suddenly reborn– Mother Earth knows all– When a mere three years ago, she had five black cocks stuffed up in that freakin’ thing. Well, you know something? Due to your response to those women, I can tell you all have a bone to pick with that type of mother, so you know what, I think it’s my responsibility as an elected official to give a public service announcement to those mothers out there who are like that. Yes, ’cause I don’t know how, but always at least a couple find their way into my show. I don’t know how they even heard of me. It’s like their husband said, “No, no, honey, come on. “No, she’s fine. No, seriously. No, come on, man. “She’s like Kathy Griffin. It’ll be great. Don’t worry about it.” Okay, so this is a public service announcement for those mothers, and by the way, if you guys look around and you don’t see one of those moms, guess what. You are that freakin’ mom. Okay, mothers, PSA number one. There is no such goddamn thing as a “peanut allergy.” That is a bullshit made-up allergy that your little, rotten, spoiled white kid made up in his own head, so he could get a delicious bologna sandwich instead of the peanut butter and jelly on two stale heels of Wonder Bread that he so richly earned. Yeah. If you think your kid is allergic to peanuts, guess what. Go home tonight, spread a jar of Jif all over his ugly, splotchy body. He’ll either break out in hives and be cured instantly, or he’ll be dead, and either way is fine with Lisa Lampanelli. PSA number two. Mothers, stop shopping at Whole Foods. Fuck Whole Foods in the ass, mouth, and cunt. Fuck ’em. Who on God’s green earth needs two grapefruits for $79.99? They’re like, “Oh, they’re organic and fresh.” Really? So’s my twat, but I don’t charge $79.99! And by the way, did you ever notice the only bitches who shop at Whole Foods are 400-pound women? Bitch, it’s called Whole Foods, not “eat the whole fucking store.” And PSA number three. Stop with the god… damned hand… sanitizer. Quit it with the Purell. You’re turning your little boys into little germophobic people with compromised immune systems like these two fucking fags. This has been a public service announcement… By Lisa Lampanelli. I approve this message. That was insane. I was, like, yelling really loud. Where was I? Oh, yeah. There’s always that bitch who comes up to me after the show. She’s like, “Lisa, that joke about the overhead compartment “is very dangerous and irresponsible. “If I put my child into the overhead compartment, he could suffocate and die.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, maybe if he does, isn’t that what’s meant to be?” See, I believe in all that stuff. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.” I like all the sayings, you know, ’cause I work on myself. I’ve been doing very intense work on my– In fact, couple weeks ago, I went on this seven-day yoga retreat, and get this, I don’t do yoga. I don’t even know what the fuck yoga is. I thought it was a frozen yogurt retreat. Now, I can tell you honestly, after seven days of boring hell watching these fat bitches who just wanted a place to go for a week that they didn’t have to put a zipper on their fucking pants, after watching these yeast infections waiting to happen for a week, I can honestly say and observe that I am sure that yoga was invented by some fag who wanted to learn how to suck his own cock for himself. Pretty confident of that. So I’m at this yoga retreat. I’m bored to death. There’s no TV. There’s nothing. I said, “Okay, I’m gonna go to the gift shop.” Well, get this. All these rich whores who go to those things, they’re easy marks. They’ll buy anything with a nice saying on it. They’re so fucking stupid. There was a little basket. You’re gonna die. Spic, you’ll die. Freakin’– They have these rocks. These whores are buying rocks with a saying on it. Are you kidding me? Collect your own, you stupid bitch. You got a Sharpie? They’re banging ’em each for 20 bucks for a rock, and it says nice stuff on ’em. It says, “Believe. “Dream. ‘Nam-ast.'” I don’t know what that is. I don’t speak Spanish, but I will find out. So I was so angry at these women spending their money on that crap, I said, “I’m gonna– When I go back, I’m mixing up a few rocks of my own.” I can do shit that I would say to people. Screw that, I need a couple of rocks and a freakin’ Sharpie. I’m golden. My rocks will say stuff that’ll set these bitches’ heads spinning. My rocks will say, “You’re worthless. “You’ll never find love. Black guy, that’s not your real father.” the best new thing for me to go into? I could become this crazy spiritual guru who just got everybody going on my wavelength. I had my first inspirational greeting card. I’m going to perform it for you right now. “Dahnce” as if no one’s watching. Love as if you’ll never be hurt again, and queef as if nobody’s listening. Old guy, do you know what a queef is? It’s a cunt fart, is what it is. The faggots are laughing really hard. His butt plug almost shot right out. What’s a butt plug for? Like, I don’t even know. Do you know? Which one of you is the guy, and which is the girl? You don’t have that logic? No, you just versa? Anytime, anywhere? Well, good for you. Boy, I tell you, I did have to start working on myself after a divorce. You have to figure your stuff out. Guess what my shrink says to me, this bitch. She told me I have effed up ideas about what a relationship’s like. She told me I had to go and take an inventory of the crappy ways I was a wife during the marriage and how I also contributed to its demise, and I trust you people. Can I read this to you tonight? Is that okay? Okay, ’cause it’s very vulnerable. Okay, here it is. It’s six faults that you probably don’t know about me. Okay, okay. “I, Lisa Lampanelli, am overly sensitive.” No, it’s true. I cannot take a joke. I get my feelings hurt so easy. How freakin’ hypocritical is that, though? Right? I’m an insult comic who can’t take a joke. That’s like being a pedophile who can’t stand children’s parties. That’s like being an NFL player who just can’t bring himself to punch his wife in the face in an elevator. Number two. “I, Lisa Lampanelli, have huge anger issues.” I do. Honestly, my temper is hotter than the black guy’s television set. It’s true. If I was any angrier, I’d be dating Rihanna. I would. Oh. Shut up. She asked for it. Big mouth. Oh, and here’s three. Okay, fault number three. I’m not technically bipolar– But my moods swing a lot. Like, when I’m not yelling, I’m crying. Honestly, my eyes leak more than Cloris Leachman’s “vaginer.” But here’s the thing, I won’t cry in front of a guy, boyfriend, husband, nothing, ’cause it makes me look too weak. I’m afraid to be vulnerable. I have put up more walls than Pink Floyd. I’m more emotionally distant than Terri Schiavo. Wait for it. Oh, too soon? It’s ten freakin’ years. Let it go. She has. No, seriously, I could be colder in a relationship than a penguin’s asshole. Bruce Jenner’s face is more expressive than I am. Okay, this is a tough one. Always get to number five and I kind of struggle with it, but I’m gonna be real. I told you I would. When I was married, I weighed 248. It’s okay. I’m not ashamed. Now I’m fucking sexy and hot. However, when you’re that big, sometimes you hate your looks, and, oh, man, it was terrible in a marriage. I couldn’t take a compliment. Poor Jimmy, he’d be like, “Oh, you look nice.” I’d be, “Shut the fuck up, you fat piece of shit.” After a year of intense four-time-a-week therapy, I have come to realize that may have not been the right response. No, it’s true. I learned that. Like, they have this thing in therapy called “positive self-talk.” That’s when you look in a mirror and you say nice things to yourself, so even back then, I shouldn’t have been so hard on myself. I should have looked in the mirror with a little self-compassion and said, “You know what, Lisa? “It’s okay you have a huge gut. At least it makes your dick look smaller.” Oh, my God. Would that not be the coolest thing ever if I had a secret hidden penis that I could whip out and use whenever I needed to? ‘Cause you know my thing would be big, and you know my shit would be black. Am I right? See, you people laugh, but I’m gonna tell you something. If you have never been overweight, you do not understand how hard it is. Do you know how difficult it is when I would walk onto a plane, celebrity that I am, 250 fucking pounds, and looking at all you skinny fucking assholes dreading that I would sit my fat ass next to you? You don’t even have the nice temerity to lift up that armrest so it doesn’t hit my ass cheek every time I walk down the aisle. One time I sat next to a guy, a skinny bastard, and he gives me that look like, “Ugh.” I just snapped. I go, “Oh, really? “Uh, you got that screaming infant on your lap, “and you’re worried about my love handle ruining your flight? “Tell you what, stop whining like a cunt, “tuck in your elbows, and just be happy you’ll have something soft to bump into when the plane crashes.” That being said, you know what, if you’re out there and you’re overweight, you always have a place on a plane next to Lisa Lampanelli. I love it. Fat people, come and sit next to me, man. I love sitting next to fat people. They don’t talk. They’re too busy chewing. And also, guys, do yourself a favor and your woman. Even if you sense she’s getting a little chunky, do not call your woman fat. That is the last word that a woman can be called, or she will twist your penis into a balloon animal elephant. And I’ll prove it. Even if you all are skinny women in here, you would all rather be called the C word than that particular F word, and you know it. And I’ll prove it. Not one of y’all bitches has ever said to your husband, “Honey, do these pants make me look like a cunt?” We don’t care. Ah, my last fault. Kind of–kind of hard to admit, but it’s just forewarning. If anybody wants to ask me out, this is what you get. Fault number six. LL, lousy in the sack. Terrible. Sexually repressed, won’t try anything new. Do you blame me? I’m from Connecticut. Oh, you know the sign going into Connecticut says, “Welcome to Connecticut. You won’t find your clitoris here.” I didn’t learn how to do no sex. I didn’t know what to do. I had one position– “Ugh, hurry up.” No, really, at heart, I– In a lot of my specials in the past talk about sex, but it’s all fucking stories. You know, in reality, I think I’m kind of more of a Charlotte than a Samantha. Gay guys, could you explain that to the straight guys in this area? No, ’cause you guys heard of adventurous chicks. I ain’t one of ’em, uh-uh. You guys all heard of three input girls. Ew. Three input, that ain’t me. I’m a three output girl. I can burp, fart, and queef at the same time. But hey, who knows? Who knows what’ll happen in my life? I feel pretty freakin’ lucky, you know what I mean? I got a great career going, I’m working on my health, and hey, who knows? Someday, I might find true love. We’ll see. We’ll see. I am just always reassured by the words of my life coach and mentor Meat Loaf, who once said, “Two out of three ain’t bad.” Love me some Meat Loaf! Now, I didn’t always play lovely places like this. In your career, you have to play some dumps, right, so check this out. Ten years ago, I’m working at this crap hole in Vegas. I won’t even say the name of it, but it rhymes with Shmarrah’s. So I’m doing the show, and I always bring my opening act with me because I find them really funny. I bring people I like, so I have this gay guy opening for me years ago named Wendel. He is the funniest fag. Oh, my God, and he was super gay. I mean, this guy is so gay, Cher buys his albums. This guy is so gay, whenever he farts, it lisps. Sssss. So he’s up onstage, right? I’m watching from the back, and I’m cracking up, but get this rude crap. I notice there’s six people in the front, “high roller” types, who keep heckling him with homophobic slurs, and I see that, and I freakin’ snap. I call over the hostess. I’m like, “Get your freakin’ minimum-wage, $10-an-hour twat over here, “you fucking suck-a-high-roller- cock-for-money bitch. “Those people are calling Wendel homophobic slurs. “Get ’em out of here. “I won’t have that energy in the room. “Pay their ticket prices back out of my pay. Get ’em out right now. Buh-bye.” Am I right, or am I wrong? I think that was moral. Well, I got to come up onstage after him, and, oh, one other little character flaw I have. Whenever I do something nice, I can’t keep my mouth shut about it. I always have to brag, you know. Oh, maybe that’s why God didn’t give me a soul mate yet, ’cause he’s like, “Lisa, if you would just “shut the fuck up, do nice things, maybe I’ll give you a fucking good boyfriend,” and I’m like, “What the fuck are you talking about, God?” And he’s like, “Yeah, bitch, maybe do something and not tell the freakin’ world, like, for charity.” I’m like, “How dare you, God? “You have that goddamn book full of all that crap “you ever did for anybody. “I see it in every hotel room. That’s bragging if I ever saw anything like that, God.” And he goes, “Fuck you, Lisa.” I’m like, “Suck this, God.” Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend. Jew, are you allowed to say “suck it” to God? Jews, Jews, Jews, Jews? So anyway, when I get these people kicked out, I come back on the stage, and I’m all self-righteous. I come up, and I’m like… “You may have noticed there’s six empty seats up front. “That’s ’cause these homophobes were calling Wendel fag “and faggot, and nobody does that in a Lisa Lampanelli show except Lisa Lampanelli.” Oh, yeah. So the audience is cool. They start laughing. They’re having a good time. Well, get this. Halfway through the show, I spot the guy. There’s always this guy at every show that I do. The arms folded like, “You ain’t gonna be funny ’cause you a bitch” guy. Now, sir, I know you had your arms folded the whole show. No, no, no, no, no. No, shut up. No, he’s great, he’s laughed at every single joke. The arms folded was just to separate the tits from the gut. I get it. Tit sweat is a bitch. I’ve been a victim of it myself. No, but the guy in the audience had the arms folded mean and scowly, so I look at him, and I’m like a dog with a bone. I won’t let it go. I’m like, “Oh, really, sir? You’re not gonna laugh once? “Really? Really? “Really? Really? Really? Really? “Really? Really? Well, guess what, bitch, you can get the fuck out too!” And all of a sudden, his wife goes, “No, no, no, “no, no, no, no, no, no. He’s deaf.” And you know what, folks? That is the moment that I learned a little something about this elusive concept we call self-esteem. I should have realized, if he wasn’t laughing… He must be deaf, ’cause I’m Lisa Lampanelli. Thank you, guys! I love you all! Thank you, New York! You freakin’ rock! ¶ | Hello, New York! All right. Welcome to the best night of your sad, pathetic freakin’ lives. This is gonna be a great night ’cause not only am I hilarious, you get to look at me for over an hour. Go ahead. Oh, yes. Work, bitch. No, I’m telling you, you may have noticed I made some appearance changes, recently lost 107 pounds. What! “What’d you say? Ooh, 107. She look good.” And here’s the thing. It’s enough of an accomplishment to lose that weight, but I actually kept it off for three freakin’ years, and I know, that’s the hard part, right? And you know what? I know you guys look at me like a life coach, a mentor, a role model, and so I’ll you how I kept it off. I don’t hold no freakin’ secrets. Listen to this shit. If you learn to use bulimia the right way– Just eat stuff that tastes as good coming up as it did going down. Just saying. No, that actually isn’t even true, but it’s God’s cruel joke that I was ever freakin’ fat. It freakin’ sucked, ’cause I was born skinny. I wasn’t born to be a fat cunt. Guess what happened. I hit 18, everything went crazy, it did, so I went every goddamn diet in the world, and let me tell you all about ’em, ’cause they’re all designed to make us fucking failures and hate ourselves more, this diet industry. First of all, that Weight Watchers, they can lick my left clam, okay? Right? And oh, my God, Nutrisystem? Are you fucking kidding me what that shit? All I can say about Nutrisystem is that Marie Osmond is a lying freakin’ whore, okay? That boxed food tastes like Mrs. Dog the Bounty Hunter’s snatch hole. Ugh, and then this Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig. I tried that horrible program twice, it don’t work. Maybe the reason it don’t work is ’cause every time I go there, the counselor who’s trying to make me lose weight is still fucking fat. Really? Oh, okay, I’m gonna trust a fat bitch on how to lose weight. Why don’t I just call up Bill Cosby for some rape prevention advice? Yeah, you can clap. He’s a raper. He is a raper. But seriously, I wasn’t even supposed to be fat during my life. Oh, my God, but I went away to college. That’s when it all started. I was lonely. It’s terrible. I used food for emotional reasons. Some of you fat bitches know what I’m talking about. Look at this whore. No, not by rubbing it on your junk, bitch. I’m talking about you use it as a friend, and yes, did I eat an ice cream sandwich in the shower? Yes, I did, but I’m a freakin’ lady. The one time I ate pork chops on the toilet, I flushed those bones. But college was hard, man, and honestly, I’m telling you only the truth tonight about myself. Okay, the worst thing that happened to me in college was the night that I had a date rapist who took no for an answer. How unattractive must you feel when the known rapist you thought you could count on just to stick the tip in just a little after all the sororities rejected you, how must you feel when that guy looks at his watch and says, “Eh, you know what? “It’s kind of late. Those joggers in the park ain’t gonna rape themselves, so–” I’m like, “Come back, Dr. Huxtable, come back!” So honestly, I struggle with my weight. 18 years old to 50, and three years ago, I said, “Fuck it. I’m gonna save my own life.” ‘Cause let me tell you, if I die, who the hell else is gonna come out here and call you all spics and blacks and cunts? Nobody’s brave like Lisa Lampanelli. So here’s what ha-happened. I go to this doctor, and he says he’s gonna do this operation called the “gastric sleeve.” This means they cut out 85% of your stomach so you can’t eat like you got ten rectums no more. And of course I get the funny doctor. Like, this is the thing, man. Okay, everybody’s nervous during surgery, but my doctor thinks he’s hilarious. He’s one of them Indian doctors, you know? No, no, not the, you know, laying in a curb drunk by a casino Indian. You know, not the bad negotiating, they’ll take a fucking necklace and give us Rhode Island fucking idiots. Feather-headed morons. No, I’m talking about that other type of Indians. You know, the stinky cow-worshiping guys. Expedia.com thinks a freakin’ cow is a god. Are you fucking kidding me? So headset not headdress Indian. So anyway, so it ends up, I go for the surgery. 5:00 a.m., I get to the hospital. I get all nervous. I said to him, “Listen, Dr. Apu, I have a question. “Can I get my stomach back reinstalled if I get hungry?” And guess what he says. He’s like, “Oh, no, no, no, no, “no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, “my friend, my friend, my friend, my friend. “We’re going to use your stomach to cover the infield at Yankee Stadium.” You know what’s wild too? Ever since I lost the weight, every interviewer starts with, “Oh, my God, you must love the way you look.” Let me tell you something. I’m 53 freakin’ years old. In clothes, I’m clearly ridiculously hot. In clothes, I am a tasty piece of ass. However, out of clothes, just like the rest of you messes over 40, I am freakin’ horrifying. No, people, I don’t give a crap if you were a supermodel when you were in your 20s. Right now, keep your goddamn clothes on. You make me fucking vomit. I hate you. Especially you men, have some goddamn dignity. Shower in a freakin’ robe. Spare your fucking significant other some stress and drama. Because there’s always something wrong with somebody’s body over 40. There’s always, like, a cellulite mass bubbling around back there, a freakin’ varicose bumpy vein threatening to pop all over TSA, and then my flight is fucking cancelled, a stray cunt hair flailing in the breeze. Now, I make it a specific point never to see myself naked in a mirror, just to preserve the shred of self-esteem I have mustered, but oh, my God. Today, the hotel they have me in, that mirror snuck up on me, and I caught a glimpse of my naked, cellulite-y, flabby, flat, Howard Stern-looking ass. It looked like I sat on a gravel driveway naked for five hours. Like, “Holy crap. “Is that an ass or a relief map of the Himalayan Mountains, for God’s sake?” Now, here’s the deal. As you probably know, ’cause I’m quite famous, I recently got a divorce from my ex-husband, Jimmy Big Balls. It’s okay, it’s very amicable, thank God, and he also lost 98 pounds. Now, the reason I call him Jimmy Big Balls, you might not know if you’re fucking stupid. You can’t put two and– Okay, picture this guy’s freakin’ head. Imagine two of those in a pair of Hanes tighty whiteys. Actual size. I mean, that sack, Jesus Christ. It looked like two little midgets fighting their way out of a pink, hairy parachute. I hadn’t seen anything that big and hairy since I gave Snooki a Pap smear. But see, this is how I know that God hates me. Even though Jimmy loses all this weight and looks great, every time he lost an ounce, it gravitated and it migrated and eventually settled in that fucking beanbag chair of a nut sack until he had to hold it up when he took a shit just in case. And you know how I knew it was big? Oh, Madone! One day, he’s laying in bed naked, and he goes, “Hey, check it out.” I look, sir. His ball was resting on my side of the bed. See, now, I try to be positive ’cause I’m a person who projects much light and love, and it was like, “Oh, my God, wow! At least we never have to buy throw pillows again.” But you know what, folks? Since I’m telling you the truth, I will tell you this. I think that is the night that I knew the marriage was not meant to be. No, you laugh, but seeing, um, that ball on the sheet and, um, the other one on the nightstand was– Now, like I said, I am one lucky bitch that I do not have a nasty divorce, and part of it I think is– Is that we didn’t have kids. Now, black guy, are you a black or a half spic, half black? That would make you six years a slave, my friend. The gay guys are getting worried. “Oh, my God! Help us.” Okay, are you a black guy then? Let me– Oh, you’re Jamaican. Oh, that–okay. No wonder this hot bitch is with you, holy shit. How many kids you got? You got “keeds”? You got “keeds,” motherfucker? You got “keeds”? How many you got? Two? Two, two, two, two, two, two. Yeah, son. Yeah, son. How old are your kids? Four and ten? Is this their mom? Of course not. Why would she be? You don’t want to mess with fine traditions. No, but hey, God bless you for having those kids. Divorce is hard if you have kids, but here’s the thing. I never wanted no “keeds.” I’m like the gift to the world, you know. I don’t want you to be tied down to only loving two little fucking idiot kids that I gave birth to. I am a gift to you people. I’m like all of your ma, but here’s the problem. I’m sad now ’cause I’ll never have grandkids. That makes me kind of sad. Like, does anybody here have grandchildren? Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Sir, sir, do you love them? – Is it so much fun? – Yes. Oh, my God. It’s got to be a blast. Listen, all of yous, when you have grandkids, do what I would do and I’m sure what this guy does. You have them over to your house for a nice sleepover, and you spoil the crap out of those kids, and you get them all hopped up on sugar. They get whatever they freakin’ want, and then you get ’em their own first Starbucks, ’cause it’s never too early for the one-year-old baby’s caffeine. It’s a beautiful thing. Then you keep ’em up all night as a way of paying back your ungrateful piece of shit son who married that know-it-all cunt that he met in medical school, and she thinks she’s better than you and wouldn’t take no suggestions for the wedding ’cause she’s so fucking high class with the fucking house in Martha’s Vineyard. Fuck that cunt. She don’t know it all. You even made your dress for the wedding, and she didn’t even put out nice feelings for you from the goodness of your heart. Well, fuck that whore. Yes, you return that kid to them with no sleep, hopped up on sugar, and with a big shitty diaper. That shitty diaper– The shitty diaper is king. The shitty diaper is the way of sending a message home to your son. “Aha! “This is what you get for hitting puberty and jerking off into Mommy’s fur coat.” You know who hates that joke? Lesbians. Dykes hate that joke. They’re all into the environment and these fucking animals. Who gives a shit? Minks and chinchillas were bred to be worn by Lisa Lampanelli. I–they love being killed for me. No, lesbians really do hate that joke. Oh, my God, I remember. Oh, my God. I once got an angry email from some “lesbeen” because I had had a chinchilla coat made. Now, by the way, don’t even think of booing fur coats, okay, ’cause the only people who boo fur, hello, can’t freakin’ afford fur. I will kill and wear anything. I do not give a crap. Hector, I will come to your house, take your five little Chihuahuas, sew ’em together, and wear ’em like Cruella de Vil on a Wednesday. I don’t care. Hey, I’ll do you one better. If your children have an interesting skin tone, I’ll skin those little bastards and rub the lotion on its skin. Oh, my God, not even one moan for killing children and wearing them. I think this is my type of town, folks. Party! Now, I called you a Latino. Are you Latino? Oh, my God, 100%? Yes, Papi Chulo. What don’t you do for a living? That’s so unfair. There’s black people behind you. I find that fascinating. Thank you. Speaking of black people, here’s the deal. I–now that I’m single— Oh, my God. Now that I’m single, my whore friends are like, “Oh, Lisa, you should go out there, and get out there. You’re like a cougar.” People, I’m 50-freakin’-3 years old. That’s too old. Cougar cutoff is 49. I’m not a cougar. I just have an old pussy. Bob Barker keeps chasing it around trying to spay and neuter the freakin’ thing. But here’s what ha-happened. I don’t know what type of guy I’m supposed to date right now ’cause think about it. Before I married Jimmy, I had actually enjoyed the chocolate love. It is well documented. I had more black guys behind me than Obama. Yes, I did. But now, these freakin’ black guys, they won’t look at me no more ’cause I lost weight, and they don’t like that I have no fucking ass. They don’t like that, ’cause you know, Tyrone, the blacks enjoy– They like an ass with its own address so the welfare checks will go to the right place. But then I said to myself, “Ooh, Paco, maybe I should date one of these illegals.” No. Are you legally in this country, sir? Yeah. No, I thought to myself, maybe I should date a Latino, but oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That’s a little risky for me, ’cause right now, I’m a rich white woman, and a rich white woman dating a Latino, please. That’s like somebody who adopts a pit bull. At some point something’s gonna go horribly wrong. So I thought, “At least give everybody a chance,” and I figured out the only type of nationality I never had a date with was an Asian. I know. It was just an oversight. It’s easy to see over those little fucking flat heads and squinty eyes. And I was like, “Oh, my God, I am not dating an Asian.” I’m sorry. No–no offense, but I spent so much effort getting rid of my extra chins. I am not inviting anymore in. But that did seem racist, so I said, “You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna check it out slowly. Put a toe in.” Figuratively. Freakin’ fags, always go to putting something in the ass. I rented this porno, and it was an Asian dude with a white broad. No. It was way too scary. Every time she said she wanted it doggy style, he whipped out a frying pan. Somebody has to explain this to you? You fucking retard. He goes, “I don’t know. I don’t know.” They eat dogs. Putting two and three together, you fucking idiot. Jesus Christ. What are you? – Are you a Latino, man? – No. What are you, sir? Half black, half white. Yeah. Nice combo. So he works part-time. Very nice. Very good. So who–who was black, mom or dad? Mom? What’s your father’s name? Dwight. Isn’t that impressive, that he knows who his father is? Shocking. You’re a nice guy, man. What’s your name? I like you. Don, is this your white bitch right here? This your white bitch? Who are you hanging on, lesbian Flock of Seagulls haircut? Who am I to fucking talk, right? Justin Bieber fucked Miley Cyrus for this hairdo. I like this crowd. This is a really good crowd. Here’s what I’m telling you. You know why I like you? ‘Cause you get the jokes. You’re supportive. Here’s LL’s deal. I’m talking about myself in the third person. Yes. With initials. How freakin’ pretentious is that shit? Okay, here’s how I roll. I feel like the biggest thing I hate is when comics come up on a stage, they just get a divorce, and then they’re anti-marriage. That’s bullshit. I think marriage is a beautiful thing, a wonderful thing, and I plan to do it at least three more times, ’cause I love weddings. What I think is even great is most of these states are getting on the case and legalizing gay marriage. Isn’t that fantastic? I do not understand how people can be against gay marriage. Guess what I figure. If they’re against gay marriage, they’re big closet-case dick suckers. That’s what they are. Yup, they are deeper in the closet than Melissa McCarthy’s workout clothes. Fuck you. I can say it till I gain my weight back in three years. But honestly and from my heart, I really feel like if, as a gay person, you are lucky enough to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, you have every right to be just as miserable as us straight people are. In fact, you know what? I think tomorrow, all 50 states plus Guam y Puerto Rico should legalize gay marriage, but then the very next day, they should outlaw gay divorce. Ah! You asked for it, you got it, cornholers. Good luck splitting up that Crate & Barrel registry, you dirty homos. You too, lesbians. Fucking go to Home Depot and get your money back. I’ve been thinking about marriage a lot, and I’ve been thinking, do you know what? I have noticed the only two people who shouldn’t be allowed to get married, two freakin’ ugly people. Have you seen the travesty that can result from that unholy union? I’ll give you a nice little illustration and a parallel. Say two nice fags like them get married. They move in next door to you. They have a beautifully manicured yard, a lovely organized toolshed with the vibrators in descending order. All the little cock rings are color coded on penis-shaped pegs. Pretty soon they adopt a little Asian baby ’cause an Asian is easier to get than a real kid. Pretty soon, around the neighborhood, a dry cleaning establishment pops up, then a nail salon. Then when she’s 21, they buy her her own happy ending, rub-and-tug massage parlor. What’s the worst thing that could happen when two ugly people get married? Three words, Honey Boo Boo. That’s what can happen. Honey Boo Boo’s the worst. Did you see how Honey Boo Boo’s mom was dating a pedophile, and Honey Boo Boo’s so fucking unattractive, that guy wouldn’t even fuck her? Oh, come on, man. You ever notice fat kids never get molested? ‘Cause the guy never has enough candy to get the kid into the van. You know what’s funny? My audience happens to always be the coolest people, ’cause they can really take a joke, but, oh, my God. In 25 years in this business, I’ve only gotten protested four times. That’s pretty freakin’ good, right? I mean, hello. The first time I got protested– You can look it up. This is absolutely true. I got protested in Rochester, New York, by deaf people. Now, you laugh, but you didn’t have to be there. Do you know how confusing a protest by deaf people is? I go up to the theater, like, “Uhh!” I’m like, “Oh, my God, did you just say I’m pretty?” Now, the other three times I got protested was by the most disgusting, hateful group on the planet, the freaks at the Westboro Baptist Church. – Boo! – Thank you. If you don’t know who the Westboro Baptist Church is, first of all, I object to anyone who calls themself a church when the church has nothing to do with love, God, or spirituality. It’s all about hating other people, so don’t use the word “church,” bitch. They are actually a group of 70 inbreds in Topeka, Kansas, who have three real teeth and four slack jaws between ’em, and they’ve developed this disgusting hate website called godhatesfags.com, which is reprehensible, except the name’s really funny. I wish I had thought of it, personally. Now, these Westboro inbreds don’t like Lisa Lampanelli because I have some gay fans, so I figured out how to get those assholes back. I decided to become an ordained minister and marry 20 gay couples right in front of their inbred eyes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Isn’t that great? But sadly, I find out right before I get there, they don’t have no fag marriage over in Topeka, so I had a better idea. I ran into the theater, gathered all the gays, and we ran outside. We stood 10 feet from those sign-waving retards, and we all had a big, huge, gay make-out session, with tongues and everything, and we all chanted, “We’re here. We’re queer. One beer and you’ll be here.” John Travolta was right there beside us. Oh, finally, people are getting on board. Travolta–Danny Zuko is a fucking fag. Please, are you kidding me? 50 massage therapists are not lying, all right? Grease is the word for what’s up his freakin’ butthole. Now, gay guys, if you ever get married, do you want children? Do you want kids? No, no. Listen, man, I have a maternal instinct, though, about one thing. I always wanted a dog. No, I love a little dog. No, do me a favor, though. I’m gonna say this in all serious– If you want to get a dog, don’t be a douche bag and go buy one. You go to the North Shore Animal League, another shelter, and you adopt one of these little homeless mutts. They need a home. Now, this is a win-win for everybody. Think about it. If you buy a dog, that’s like 1,500 clams at the least. You adopt one of these scroungy little homeless mutts running around, you don’t like him in two days, just put him right back in the middle of the street. Nobody knows nothing. Just give it to the Asian bitch. She’ll cook it up with tofu. It’s like when you adopt a little kid. You’re not really that attached to that fucking kid. He didn’t come out of your clam. You don’t care. Send him back to Russia to hang out with the other communists, Ivan the Terrible. I give a fuck less. Oh, adoptees are here? Wah. Yeah, you’re special ’cause you were chosen. That’s what the Jews thought too. I joke, you know I love my heebie friends and accountants and lawyers. So anyway, I adopted the greatest dog in history. Oh, my God. I named him Parker after Sarah Jessica Parker. No, because of the really astounding resemblance. You know what, people? I’m, like, really disappointed in you right now. Let me set the goddamn record straight. SJP does not look like a dog. She looks exactly like a horse. Okay, this is really mean. I can’t even believe I joke about her, ’cause she is, like, my hero of my whole life, but okay. Listen, listen, listen. Don’t tell her. There’s a website that’s literally called, www.SarahJessicaParker lookslikeahorse.com, and they asked her on a talk show if she ever read it, and she went– And the host said, “Come on, how many times have you looked at it?” And she went– Anyway, my dog is awesome, but see, you got to know the rules. Here’s what you do. The first thing you do when you get your dog home, you go onto the computer, and you Google the words “service vest.” Ah, she knows the scam. This thing is a vest that you get to put on your little, rotten dog, and you get to take him anywhere you want, and nobody’s allowed to ask you what the hell is wrong with you. Somebody made the mistake of asking me why I had the dog. I said, “‘Cause I’m retarded.” Now, honestly, your dog doesn’t even have to be helpful. My dog seriously doesn’t do shit. He is about as useful as a Kardashian in a library. Okay, I’m not gonna get all derailed and talk about the Kardashians, but I am gonna say one thing about them that I’m pretty freakin’ pissed at. They stole my whole game, okay? I was banging the black guys first, all right, not those three hos. And by the way, they’re freakin’ hypocrites. Their names are Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé, KKK. Why do you fucking guys take the risk? So anyway, this vest you put on your dog, you take him anywhere, because it’s frowned upon, apparently, to leave your dog in a car with the windows rolled up. And you–you don’t want to be late. Like, black guy, suppose you are late. Well, that’s a given. But suppose you’re late for your appointment with your parole officer. Other black, suppose… they’re about to rerelease the McRib. Black people love ribs. It’s a fact. It’s not something I made up. We all know. Now, like I said, my dog’s useless, but now that the airlines are asking for a little note of what’s your problem, I had my shrink write me the note of notes, ’cause, first of all, he’s a perfect combo to be a good fucking liar. He’s spic and a fag, so this guy, Dr. Lopez or some shit, Lopez-a-fag-corn. He wrote on my note that I need the service dog because I have a rare fainting disorder, and my dog wakes me up if I’m about to hit my fucking head. Is that not the best excuse ever, combining the shifty Hispanic with the creative fag in one? But trust me, when you fly on these airlines and– Freakin’ airline– You know what, what the fuck? Who’s old here? Sir, you on the end. It’s not an insult. You’re an older man. How old are you, sir? 73. God bless you. Means he ain’t long for this fucking world. Sir, don’t you resent– Remember in the old days when you’d fly and everybody would get dressed up, and it was like an actual thing, and the stewardesses were sexy? They were hot. There was a weight requirement. Oy vey, I had two goddamn stewardesses on the flight. Looked like Shrek One and Shrek Two. I’m telling you, they won’t help you with nothing. They will not put your crap in your overhead bin, even if you’re faking a really authentic-looking rotator cuff injury like I was. Matter of fact, the only guys who ever helped me, the only stewardesses who ever did put it in the overhead for me, were a gay stewardess, a man. Those men will help you. Right, faggot? You’re very helpful. I know. Gay men love doing that for you ’cause they’re used to shoving big things into tiny little spaces. So I know all the rules about taking my dog on a plane, but one day, I have him in his little bag. He starts barking. Now, come on. Your heart’s got to go out to a pet like that. Oh, because I turn into a total queer when I’m talking to my dog. You guys would not recognize me in private. I’m like– “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?” But then I turn that way, and I can’t turn it off, and my gay friends come over, I’m like– “Who’s a good faggot? Who’s a good cornholer? Who’s a good cornholer?” And then they all lick each other’s asses, so it’s nice. So my dog’s barking, the plane’s trying to take off, I feel bad for the passengers, I put his little bag on my lap, and then all I did was I took his little head out. It was so cute. I know, right? He was looking around, and then I took that zipper, and I put it against that goddamn larynx of his, and I put my lips to his little doggy left ear, and I said, “Shut the fuck up, Parker. “Shut your fucking mouth. “Mommy’s a fourth level fake-ass celebrity. “Shut your goddamn mouth. “I’ll fucking kill you in your sleep and feed you “to that chinky lady over at the fucking buffet. Shut the fuck up.” So he and I come to a nice understanding, but then guess what. Shrek One has to come up and interfere, and she’s like, “Uh, you have to put the head of the dog in the bag.” People, I’m no terrorist, so I’m not gonna yell at some bitch on a plane, but I just poked the dog in his ribs. I said, “No, it’s so he won’t bark,” and I poke him, and he goes, “Ahh.” So she’s being cool, but guess what. Guess who has to pipe up, get in the conversation. Fucking asshole sitting next to me figures he’s gonna state his opinion, but he don’t realize who the fuck he happens to be sitting next to. Another benefit of losing over 100 pounds and getting your hair cut to look like Rod Stewart’s half-a-lesbo sister. So the guy has the nerve to say, “Uh, why don’t you just leave the freakin’ dog at home?” Now, ladies and gentlemen, come on. I don’t act. I react. And I’m Lisa freakin’ Lampanelli. Are you kidding me with this? So, like, I can’t help what I say. So I honestly said this. It was so horrible. He goes, “Uh, why don’t you leave the freakin’ dog at home?” And I go, “Really, sir, great idea. “In the meantime, why don’t you go fuck your mother? “How’s that sound? “Yeah, ’cause I’m sure at one time or another, “I’ve had to listen to your ugly kids “screaming away when you should have had them “stowed in the overhead compartment wheels first, bitch.” Oh, oh, you guys didn’t know? That’s the new rule. If you have children under ten, they must be stowed in the overhead compartments. Would that not be the greatest? Oh, my God, I fucking hate those screaming kids. Oh, but by the way, there’s always a woman after the show who, like, really hates that joke, and, um, she finds it very difficult to hear humor like that. And she’s always a mom, always a white mom. The healthy snack mom. The mom who buys her kid food gluten-free as if gluten’s actually “a thing.” And she’s that mom who, now that she opened up her horrible, splotchy, bumpy thighs and that little freakin’ bloody head skyrocketed across the room, that she was suddenly reborn– Mother Earth knows all– When a mere three years ago, she had five black cocks stuffed up in that freakin’ thing. Well, you know something? Due to your response to those women, I can tell you all have a bone to pick with that type of mother, so you know what, I think it’s my responsibility as an elected official to give a public service announcement to those mothers out there who are like that. Yes, ’cause I don’t know how, but always at least a couple find their way into my show. I don’t know how they even heard of me. It’s like their husband said, “No, no, honey, come on. “No, she’s fine. No, seriously. No, come on, man. “She’s like Kathy Griffin. It’ll be great. Don’t worry about it.” Okay, so this is a public service announcement for those mothers, and by the way, if you guys look around and you don’t see one of those moms, guess what. You are that freakin’ mom. Okay, mothers, PSA number one. There is no such goddamn thing as a “peanut allergy.” That is a bullshit made-up allergy that your little, rotten, spoiled white kid made up in his own head, so he could get a delicious bologna sandwich instead of the peanut butter and jelly on two stale heels of Wonder Bread that he so richly earned. Yeah. If you think your kid is allergic to peanuts, guess what. Go home tonight, spread a jar of Jif all over his ugly, splotchy body. He’ll either break out in hives and be cured instantly, or he’ll be dead, and either way is fine with Lisa Lampanelli. PSA number two. Mothers, stop shopping at Whole Foods. Fuck Whole Foods in the ass, mouth, and cunt. Fuck ’em. Who on God’s green earth needs two grapefruits for $79.99? They’re like, “Oh, they’re organic and fresh.” Really? So’s my twat, but I don’t charge $79.99! And by the way, did you ever notice the only bitches who shop at Whole Foods are 400-pound women? Bitch, it’s called Whole Foods, not “eat the whole fucking store.” And PSA number three. Stop with the god… damned hand… sanitizer. Quit it with the Purell. You’re turning your little boys into little germophobic people with compromised immune systems like these two fucking fags. This has been a public service announcement… By Lisa Lampanelli. I approve this message. That was insane. I was, like, yelling really loud. Where was I? Oh, yeah. There’s always that bitch who comes up to me after the show. She’s like, “Lisa, that joke about the overhead compartment “is very dangerous and irresponsible. “If I put my child into the overhead compartment, he could suffocate and die.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, maybe if he does, isn’t that what’s meant to be?” See, I believe in all that stuff. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.” I like all the sayings, you know, ’cause I work on myself. I’ve been doing very intense work on my– In fact, couple weeks ago, I went on this seven-day yoga retreat, and get this, I don’t do yoga. I don’t even know what the fuck yoga is. I thought it was a frozen yogurt retreat. Now, I can tell you honestly, after seven days of boring hell watching these fat bitches who just wanted a place to go for a week that they didn’t have to put a zipper on their fucking pants, after watching these yeast infections waiting to happen for a week, I can honestly say and observe that I am sure that yoga was invented by some fag who wanted to learn how to suck his own cock for himself. Pretty confident of that. So I’m at this yoga retreat. I’m bored to death. There’s no TV. There’s nothing. I said, “Okay, I’m gonna go to the gift shop.” Well, get this. All these rich whores who go to those things, they’re easy marks. They’ll buy anything with a nice saying on it. They’re so fucking stupid. There was a little basket. You’re gonna die. Spic, you’ll die. Freakin’– They have these rocks. These whores are buying rocks with a saying on it. Are you kidding me? Collect your own, you stupid bitch. You got a Sharpie? They’re banging ’em each for 20 bucks for a rock, and it says nice stuff on ’em. It says, “Believe. “Dream. ‘Nam-ast.'” I don’t know what that is. I don’t speak Spanish, but I will find out. So I was so angry at these women spending their money on that crap, I said, “I’m gonna– When I go back, I’m mixing up a few rocks of my own.” I can do shit that I would say to people. Screw that, I need a couple of rocks and a freakin’ Sharpie. I’m golden. My rocks will say stuff that’ll set these bitches’ heads spinning. My rocks will say, “You’re worthless. “You’ll never find love. Black guy, that’s not your real father.” the best new thing for me to go into? I could become this crazy spiritual guru who just got everybody going on my wavelength. I had my first inspirational greeting card. I’m going to perform it for you right now. “Dahnce” as if no one’s watching. Love as if you’ll never be hurt again, and queef as if nobody’s listening. Old guy, do you know what a queef is? It’s a cunt fart, is what it is. The faggots are laughing really hard. His butt plug almost shot right out. What’s a butt plug for? Like, I don’t even know. Do you know? Which one of you is the guy, and which is the girl? You don’t have that logic? No, you just versa? Anytime, anywhere? Well, good for you. Boy, I tell you, I did have to start working on myself after a divorce. You have to figure your stuff out. Guess what my shrink says to me, this bitch. She told me I have effed up ideas about what a relationship’s like. She told me I had to go and take an inventory of the crappy ways I was a wife during the marriage and how I also contributed to its demise, and I trust you people. Can I read this to you tonight? Is that okay? Okay, ’cause it’s very vulnerable. Okay, here it is. It’s six faults that you probably don’t know about me. Okay, okay. “I, Lisa Lampanelli, am overly sensitive.” No, it’s true. I cannot take a joke. I get my feelings hurt so easy. How freakin’ hypocritical is that, though? Right? I’m an insult comic who can’t take a joke. That’s like being a pedophile who can’t stand children’s parties. That’s like being an NFL player who just can’t bring himself to punch his wife in the face in an elevator. Number two. “I, Lisa Lampanelli, have huge anger issues.” I do. Honestly, my temper is hotter than the black guy’s television set. It’s true. If I was any angrier, I’d be dating Rihanna. I would. Oh. Shut up. She asked for it. Big mouth. Oh, and here’s three. Okay, fault number three. I’m not technically bipolar– But my moods swing a lot. Like, when I’m not yelling, I’m crying. Honestly, my eyes leak more than Cloris Leachman’s “vaginer.” But here’s the thing, I won’t cry in front of a guy, boyfriend, husband, nothing, ’cause it makes me look too weak. I’m afraid to be vulnerable. I have put up more walls than Pink Floyd. I’m more emotionally distant than Terri Schiavo. Wait for it. Oh, too soon? It’s ten freakin’ years. Let it go. She has. No, seriously, I could be colder in a relationship than a penguin’s asshole. Bruce Jenner’s face is more expressive than I am. Okay, this is a tough one. Always get to number five and I kind of struggle with it, but I’m gonna be real. I told you I would. When I was married, I weighed 248. It’s okay. I’m not ashamed. Now I’m fucking sexy and hot. However, when you’re that big, sometimes you hate your looks, and, oh, man, it was terrible in a marriage. I couldn’t take a compliment. Poor Jimmy, he’d be like, “Oh, you look nice.” I’d be, “Shut the fuck up, you fat piece of shit.” After a year of intense four-time-a-week therapy, I have come to realize that may have not been the right response. No, it’s true. I learned that. Like, they have this thing in therapy called “positive self-talk.” That’s when you look in a mirror and you say nice things to yourself, so even back then, I shouldn’t have been so hard on myself. I should have looked in the mirror with a little self-compassion and said, “You know what, Lisa? “It’s okay you have a huge gut. At least it makes your dick look smaller.” Oh, my God. Would that not be the coolest thing ever if I had a secret hidden penis that I could whip out and use whenever I needed to? ‘Cause you know my thing would be big, and you know my shit would be black. Am I right? See, you people laugh, but I’m gonna tell you something. If you have never been overweight, you do not understand how hard it is. Do you know how difficult it is when I would walk onto a plane, celebrity that I am, 250 fucking pounds, and looking at all you skinny fucking assholes dreading that I would sit my fat ass next to you? You don’t even have the nice temerity to lift up that armrest so it doesn’t hit my ass cheek every time I walk down the aisle. One time I sat next to a guy, a skinny bastard, and he gives me that look like, “Ugh.” I just snapped. I go, “Oh, really? “Uh, you got that screaming infant on your lap, “and you’re worried about my love handle ruining your flight? “Tell you what, stop whining like a cunt, “tuck in your elbows, and just be happy you’ll have something soft to bump into when the plane crashes.” That being said, you know what, if you’re out there and you’re overweight, you always have a place on a plane next to Lisa Lampanelli. I love it. Fat people, come and sit next to me, man. I love sitting next to fat people. They don’t talk. They’re too busy chewing. And also, guys, do yourself a favor and your woman. Even if you sense she’s getting a little chunky, do not call your woman fat. That is the last word that a woman can be called, or she will twist your penis into a balloon animal elephant. And I’ll prove it. Even if you all are skinny women in here, you would all rather be called the C word than that particular F word, and you know it. And I’ll prove it. Not one of y’all bitches has ever said to your husband, “Honey, do these pants make me look like a cunt?” We don’t care. Ah, my last fault. Kind of–kind of hard to admit, but it’s just forewarning. If anybody wants to ask me out, this is what you get. Fault number six. LL, lousy in the sack. Terrible. Sexually repressed, won’t try anything new. Do you blame me? I’m from Connecticut. Oh, you know the sign going into Connecticut says, “Welcome to Connecticut. You won’t find your clitoris here.” I didn’t learn how to do no sex. I didn’t know what to do. I had one position– “Ugh, hurry up.” No, really, at heart, I– In a lot of my specials in the past talk about sex, but it’s all fucking stories. You know, in reality, I think I’m kind of more of a Charlotte than a Samantha. Gay guys, could you explain that to the straight guys in this area? No, ’cause you guys heard of adventurous chicks. I ain’t one of ’em, uh-uh. You guys all heard of three input girls. Ew. Three input, that ain’t me. I’m a three output girl. I can burp, fart, and queef at the same time. But hey, who knows? Who knows what’ll happen in my life? I feel pretty freakin’ lucky, you know what I mean? I got a great career going, I’m working on my health, and hey, who knows? Someday, I might find true love. We’ll see. We’ll see. I am just always reassured by the words of my life coach and mentor Meat Loaf, who once said, “Two out of three ain’t bad.” Love me some Meat Loaf! Now, I didn’t always play lovely places like this. In your career, you have to play some dumps, right, so check this out. Ten years ago, I’m working at this crap hole in Vegas. I won’t even say the name of it, but it rhymes with Shmarrah’s. So I’m doing the show, and I always bring my opening act with me because I find them really funny. I bring people I like, so I have this gay guy opening for me years ago named Wendel. He is the funniest fag. Oh, my God, and he was super gay. I mean, this guy is so gay, Cher buys his albums. This guy is so gay, whenever he farts, it lisps. Sssss. So he’s up onstage, right? I’m watching from the back, and I’m cracking up, but get this rude crap. I notice there’s six people in the front, “high roller” types, who keep heckling him with homophobic slurs, and I see that, and I freakin’ snap. I call over the hostess. I’m like, “Get your freakin’ minimum-wage, $10-an-hour twat over here, “you fucking suck-a-high-roller- cock-for-money bitch. “Those people are calling Wendel homophobic slurs. “Get ’em out of here. “I won’t have that energy in the room. “Pay their ticket prices back out of my pay. Get ’em out right now. Buh-bye.” Am I right, or am I wrong? I think that was moral. Well, I got to come up onstage after him, and, oh, one other little character flaw I have. Whenever I do something nice, I can’t keep my mouth shut about it. I always have to brag, you know. Oh, maybe that’s why God didn’t give me a soul mate yet, ’cause he’s like, “Lisa, if you would just “shut the fuck up, do nice things, maybe I’ll give you a fucking good boyfriend,” and I’m like, “What the fuck are you talking about, God?” And he’s like, “Yeah, bitch, maybe do something and not tell the freakin’ world, like, for charity.” I’m like, “How dare you, God? “You have that goddamn book full of all that crap “you ever did for anybody. “I see it in every hotel room. That’s bragging if I ever saw anything like that, God.” And he goes, “Fuck you, Lisa.” I’m like, “Suck this, God.” Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend. Jew, are you allowed to say “suck it” to God? Jews, Jews, Jews, Jews? So anyway, when I get these people kicked out, I come back on the stage, and I’m all self-righteous. I come up, and I’m like… “You may have noticed there’s six empty seats up front. “That’s ’cause these homophobes were calling Wendel fag “and faggot, and nobody does that in a Lisa Lampanelli show except Lisa Lampanelli.” Oh, yeah. So the audience is cool. They start laughing. They’re having a good time. Well, get this. Halfway through the show, I spot the guy. There’s always this guy at every show that I do. The arms folded like, “You ain’t gonna be funny ’cause you a bitch” guy. Now, sir, I know you had your arms folded the whole show. No, no, no, no, no. No, shut up. No, he’s great, he’s laughed at every single joke. The arms folded was just to separate the tits from the gut. I get it. Tit sweat is a bitch. I’ve been a victim of it myself. No, but the guy in the audience had the arms folded mean and scowly, so I look at him, and I’m like a dog with a bone. I won’t let it go. I’m like, “Oh, really, sir? You’re not gonna laugh once? “Really? Really? “Really? Really? Really? Really? “Really? Really? Well, guess what, bitch, you can get the fuck out too!” And all of a sudden, his wife goes, “No, no, no, “no, no, no, no, no, no. He’s deaf.” And you know what, folks? That is the moment that I learned a little something about this elusive concept we call self-esteem. I should have realized, if he wasn’t laughing… He must be deaf, ’cause I’m Lisa Lampanelli. Thank you, guys! I love you all! Thank you, New York! You freakin’ rock! |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-words-words-words-transcript/ | Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words (2010) – Transcript | bo burnham | (Cheers and applause) Thank you. (Laughter) When I say hey, you say ho. Hey. Ho! Hey. Ho! That’s basically how Hitler rose to power. (Laughter, soft piano music plays) ♫ My show is a little bit silly ♫ ♫ And a little bit pretentious ♫ ♫ Like Shakespeare’s willie ♫ ♫ Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on ♫ ♫ It’s also a little bit gay ♫ ♫ And a little bit offensive ♫ ♫ Like thanksgiving day ♫ ♫ Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap… On ♫ ♫ So put your cell phones to vibrate ♫ ♫ And put your vibrators to cell-phone mode ♫ ♫ And welcome to the show ♫ ♫ It goes a little bit like this–joke ♫ ♫ Exactly, welcome to my flow ♫ ♫ It flows a little bit like this ♫ ♫ With a rap and a diss ♫ ♫ Then a swift rap on the wrist a rap and a kiss ♫ ♫ Like Hershey’s wrappin’ a kiss, shit ♫ ♫ I got a show that’ll test your kids ♫ ♫ And I’d ask one question, and the question is ♫ ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫ ♫ What’s funny ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Humor is often linked to shared experience ♫ ♫ Like a guy gets up and says have you noticed ♫ ♫ That public restrooms have really inefficient hand dryers ♫ ♫ Oh, my god, yes, I have ♫ ♫ Ha ha ha, really good point ♫ ♫ They should fix that ♫ ♫ It’s good to know that somebody finally gets me ♫ ♫ ‘Cause my wife divorced me which subconsciously forced me ♫ ♫ To lose all sense of self ♫ ♫ So it’s nice to think about hand dryers ♫ ♫ And not that cheating whore ♫ ♫ Because stand-up comedy is actually pretty easy ♫ ♫ If you’re an Asian comic just get up and say ♫ ♫ My mother’s got the weirdest f*ckin’ accent ♫ ♫ Then just do a Chinese accent ♫ ♫ ‘Cause everybody laughs at the Chinese accent ♫ ♫ Because they privately thought your people were laughable ♫ ♫ Now you’ve given them the chance ♫ ♫ To express that in public ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah, if you’re a musical comic ♫ ♫ Just give ’em a little weird voice inflection ♫ ♫ Then take a Viagra ♫ ♫ And slap ’em with a rock-hard misdirection ♫ ♫ Oh, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫ Tourettes! ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, oh ♫ ♫ And the audience says, when I was a baby ♫ ♫ Maybe I laughed at people jiggling keys ♫ ♫ Now I’m older and bolder and just get mad ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I notice that the keys are to a hummer ♫ ♫ F*ck my life, I don’t f*ck my wife ♫ ♫ So f*ck my wife and f*ck my life ♫ ♫ And my son is gay, but not sitcom gay ♫ ♫ Daughter’s a whore like another girl ♫ ♫ That used to be your mother ♫ ♫ But the marriage made her miss Mary Americana ♫ ♫ I wanna team with that screamin’ prima donna ♫ ♫ But the radical feminists made my wife a man ♫ ♫ Oh, and if I die happy the situation ♫ ♫ Will be autoerotic asphyxiation ♫ ♫ I hate my life and it hates me back ♫ ♫ And my friend is black ♫ ♫ But I don’t know what to call him ♫ ♫ So I just call him ♫ “What up, Jamal?” (Laughter) ♫ Even though his name is Steve ♫ ♫ I hate my job, I hate my life ♫ ♫ Hate my kids, I hate my wife ♫ ♫ Jews don’t I know I do it, Judas beat me to it ♫ ♫ I’m slowly slipping into a solipsistic coma ♫ ♫ And I masturbate ’cause I’m the only one ♫ ♫ Whose standards are low enough to f*ck me ♫ (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫ (Pops) it’s a boy. ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, yeah ♫ ♫ Hopefully this ♫ (plays finale) (Raspberry) Thank you. (Cheers and applause) Thank you. My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin’ bitch all the time. (Laughter) But you know, they say if you wanna know what a girl’s gonna look like, look at her mother, you know, so I’m so glad I broke up with her, ’cause she would’ve been, you know… Dead. (Laughter and groaning) (Woman) I want your baby! I’m keeping him. Guys, I’m a realist! I’m a realist. I try not to romanticize reality. You know, like when life gives you lemons, you probably just found lemons. But at the same time, I don’t deny the beauty in the world ’cause there is so much beauty, because life Can be so symmetrical, it gives birth to this almost silent poetry, you know, like a hermaphrodite playing the keytar, or a young amish boy trying to blow out the light bulbs on his birthday cake, or a girl–a girl who’s terrible at grammar saying, “mama, you raised me good.” And then being pushed down a well. Symmetry. Here’s some racial humor for you. White people are like this– “eh.” Black people are like this– “wha.” We’re destined to fight forever. Blood in the streets. (Laughter) If I had a dime–ha! If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say, “no.” (Laughter) No. Nope. Yo’ mama so fat! Yo’ mama so ugly! Yo’ mama so stupid! Your mother’s breasts sag with such severity that the late great surrealist artist Salvador Dali mistook them for clocks. (Laughter and applause) Um, thank you. I–I believe– I believe firmly that women are always right. (Cheers and applause) I do. I do. Oh, I should rephrase that. I, uh… Don’t. ♫ Men and women ♫ This song is called “men and women”! ♫ Men are like vows ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they’re easily broken ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Women are like cows ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they both have vaginas ♫ ♫ Men are like muzzles ♫ ♫ Because they’ll try to shut you up ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Women are like puzzles ♫ ♫ ‘Cause prior to 1920, neither had the right to vote ♫ ♫ Puzzles still don’t ♫ ♫ Oh, a man is an eagle ♫ ♫ Yeah, a woman is a dove ♫ ♫ Women can fake orgasms ♫ ♫ But men can fake love ♫ (Cheers and applause) ♫ Women are like fingers and toes ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they’re easy to count on ♫ (Audience aws) It’s cute. (Laughter) ♫ Men are like ravens and crows ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they hate using condoms ♫ (Laughter and applause) What? ♫ Women are like Yahtzees, oh, yeah ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I rarely get them ♫ I don’t. ♫ Men are like Nazis ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they both caused the holocaust ♫ It’s true. ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ For every dollar that a man makes ♫ ♫ A woman makes 70 cents ♫ ♫ That doesn’t make sense, that’s not fair ♫ ♫ The man’s only left with 30 ♫ ♫ Men and women ♫ ♫ Oh, men and women, it’s black and white ♫ ♫ With an area of gray for hermaphrodite ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Oh, well, yeah ♫ ♫ Male strippers ♫ ♫ Always look like they’re applying lotion ♫ ♫ And female strippers when they’re dancing on the pole ♫ ♫ Just look like ♫ ♫ Confused firemen ♫ Thanks. (Cheers and applause) Thank you. (Man) Pick that wedge! (Mocking laugh) (Laughter) (Audience member wolf whistles) I’m 19 years old. I’m a young comedian. I hate that term “young comedian.” I prefer “prodigy.” And people pigeonhole me, you know, as a comic, which is so disingenuous. ‘Cause I’m not a comedian. I’m an artist. And I don’t do comedy shows. I do one-man shows. I’ve been doing them– 1998 was my first one-man show. It was a show about Jews in Nazi Germany called “Under the Floorboards.” (Light laughter) No, no, no, watch and then judge. This is a scene from “under the floorboards.” (Clears throat) Hey. Shh! Then in ’99– (laughter and applause) ’99, I did a piece called “the catholic orgasm.” I’ll do a scene from that. (Moans, sobs) 2000…um… 2000, I did a piece called “the inappropriate musician.” Mike… Mike, back off the ledge, Mike. Mike, think about your kids. You want them to grow up without a father? Is that what you want, Mike? Mike, please, listen to me! I’m your friend! Mike! Mike, no, mike! No, Mike! (Plays descending note) (Plays ascending note) He’s saved. And then in, um, 2001, I did John Steinbeck’s “The Grapes of Wrath,” except I adapted it into a story about an intergalactic sexual predator called “The Rapes of Grath.” (Laughter) 2002, I did a piece– if you’re familiar with the piece “the elephant man” I did a piece based off that called “bulldog man” and I’ll do a monologue from that right now. (Laughter) 2000, Uh… (Cheers and applause) 2000–Thank you. That was a good one. I got a danza nomination for that. It’s right after the Tonys. 2000– 2003 I did a piece called “the native American in the magic show.” How? (Laughter) 2004, I did a piece called “Smeagol from Lord of the Rings having sex with a black girl. (Imitates Gollum) Oh! Precious. (Laughter and applause) Two thou… 2005, I did a piece called “Charlie brown getting molested.” (Clears throat) What are you doing? Hello, is anybody here? (Imitates “Charlie Brown” adult speech) What are you doing? Let go of me! What are you doing?! (Rhythmically imitates “Charlie Brown” adult speech) Good grief! So, 2000, um.. (Cheers and applause) Thank you. Yeah. That was a good one. 2005, 6? 5? Doesn’t matter. I’m lying. 2000– (Laughter) 2006, I did a piece called “the figure skater’s father.” My son? What does he do? He’s a, uh… He’s an athlete. What kind of athlete? He’s a, uh… He’s a f– He a– He’s a f– (Women scream) 2000… (Laughter) 2007, I did a piece called “the juggler’s wife.” “Please stop juggling!” 2008… I did a dark piece that caused a lot of controversy because I played a slave in the 1780s, but I didn’t wear makeup, ’cause as an artist, I feel I’m qualified to tell any story. And it was a piece called “whiplashes,” and it’s raw, hard art, so if you’re averse to that, you might want to look away. But this is the climactic scene from “whiplashes.” You’ll have to answer to god for this. (Imitates whip crack) Ow. (Laughter) You’re a dick. And then, um… 2009, Which is the final piece before the piece I’m doing currently, um… I did a really emotional piece. It means a lot to me, so forgive me if I break down, but it’s called the “the boy and his dog.” It goes like this. Get out of here, all right? Go, please. I can’t afford to keep you anymore, I just can’t. Just…don’t make this harder than it has to be. Just–I hate you. Is that what you need to hear from me? I hate you, okay? I hate you. (Voice breaks) I hate you! And it’s just not me. My dog hates Mexicans, too. (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) Oh, god. Gotta love irony. I, um… I believe in the zodiac. I do, I do, completely. I’m a Leo. I love “Titanic.” But this is something a little bit morbidly ironic. My grandmother, she was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab. (Laughter) This is a song about the idea of irony. So strap in. (Lively piano music plays) ♫ My dog’s stomach was very upset ♫ ♫ So I put him in the car, and we went to the vet ♫ ♫ And on our way to the vet ♫ ♫ I killed a cat ♫ ♫ Hey, I said isn’t that ironic? ♫ ♫ I adopted a child from overseas ♫ ♫ To rescue him from child-labor factories ♫ ♫ And on his very first birthday ♫ ♫ We went to build-a-bear workshop ♫ ♫ Isn’t that ironic? ♫ ♫ Isn’t that i-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ I-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ Water park is burned to the ground ♫ ♫ And a tow truck has broken down ♫ ♫ I always used to cry when I laughed ♫ ♫ And then I was raped by a clown ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Isn’t– ♫ ♫ I was watching Al Gore on CNN ♫ ♫ He was talking and talking and talking and then ♫ ♫ Out of boredom my pet polar bear shot himself ♫ ♫ Isn’t that ironic? ♫ ♫ I dated an animal rights activist ♫ ♫ And one day she got really pissed ♫ ♫ Because I was eating veal that was wrapped in pita bread ♫ Peta? F*ck it. (Laughter) ♫ Isn’t that i-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ I-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c? ♫ ♫ Yeah, I’m a stand-up comic ♫ ♫ And I always sit and slouch ♫ ♫ And I got my girlfriend pregnant ♫ ♫ On my sterile uncle’s pull-out couch ♫ (Chuckles) ♫ Isn’t it ironic? I-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ Yeah, if every day you play the board game Risk ♫ ♫ You’ve probably never taken a risk in your life ♫ ♫ And Monopoly has far from a stranglehold ♫ ♫ On the board game market ♫ ♫ A little kid died from suffocation ♫ ♫ When he choked on a game piece from operation ♫ ♫ And I can’t grow a beard ♫ ♫ That one’s not ironic ♫ ♫ That one’s just sad ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Yeah, Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant ♫ (Laughter) ♫ My grandfather had Alzheimer’s ♫ ♫ And one day, we were ♫ (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) (Man) Take it off, big boy! Thank you, it’s a medium. Um… (Laughter) We live in a binary reality. We do. It’s a world of black and white. There’s only two types of people in this world, you know, those who can finish lists… What is art? What is art? Is art something gay people do to get back at their fathers? Could be. What is an artist? What makes a great artist, great artists like myself, like the great director Michael Bay. Like the great Irish actor, Shaquille O’Neal. We ask questions, you know? Questions nobody else dares to ask. Questions like… Where are all the sour patch parents? Questions like if Mickey’s a mouse and Minnie’s a mouse, and Donald’s a duck, and Daisy and Goofy, if they’re all animals, and they can talk, why is Pluto just a f*ckin’ dog? Why–did they just forget to anthropomorphize him, or worse, is Mickey keeping a mentally handicapped dude as pet? I’m not making light of it. That’s f*cked up. How does it fit into that universe, that paradigm? Goofy’s a dog. He’s talking. This one, crawling around. (Laughter) Guys, I would never bash Disney. I would never bash Disney. I think Disney teaches young kids such important lessons. The princess fairy tales teach young girls such important lessons. You know, like Cinderella, it doesn’t matter where you come from or how poor you are as long as you’re incredibly hot. (Laughter) Snow white, you know, which encourages children to, you know, give midgets nicknames. Sleeping beauty, you know, which encourages, uh… date rape. Maybe not– maybe not that one. I was doing a show recently on the border of Hannah, Montana, and South Dakota Fanning. And a guy came up to me after the show, and said, “Bo, why don’t you ever tell stories about people coming up to you after the show?” And I said, “’cause they’re never funny.” (Light laughter) (Man) I would f*ck you. (Mocking laugh) this is a listening show. (Laughter) um… (Light applause) Yeah. Be quiet, America doesn’t want to hear you clap. Do it, though, when I need it. (Scattered clapping) when I need it! (Laughter) I’ve always wanted a black girlfriend, not as joke, just ’cause like, then when we 69, I can call it “yin yanging.” (Audience groans, applause) guys, see– Easy, look, it’s 21st-century racism. It’s racism in light of itself. The only reason I’m making these claims is because the stigmas about race are already there and I’m just playing off that. ‘Cause I think racism itself is so ridiculous, and they understand that, so if after the show, you see a black guy beating me up, he’s doing it ironically. Okay? (Audience members shouting) (Laughter) (Woman) I’ll sleep with you! (Laughter) (Woman) we all will! (Audience members shouting) Ya done? (Laughter) Of course all the women that said that were in the dark. I, um… (Laughter) No, I bet you’re gorgeous in the dark. Um… Okay. (Slow piano music plays) (Tempo increases) ♫ I’m a feminine Eminem ♫ ♫ A slim shady lady but nice ’cause I texted Haiti ♫ ♫ 90 Lady cops in the road ♫ ♫ And I’m arrested for doin’ 80 ♫ ♫ Like hamlet, I’m about words, words, words ♫ ♫ Divide a whole into thirds, thirds, thirds ♫ ♫ I’m a gay sea otter ♫ ♫ I blow other dudes out of the water ♫ ♫ I’m the man-muffin divin’ muffin, ♫ ♫ Cold and fly like an arctic puffin’ ♫ ♫ Puffin’ wacky-tobaccy ♫ ♫ Hatin’ other rappers like I’m huggin’ Pataki ♫ ♫ And I’ve been rockin’ this mic before electricity ♫ ♫ Way back in 1,000 B.C.E. ♫ ♫ That’s before the comin’ era– ♫ (Imitates record scratching) ♫ Oh, god, can’t be stopped ♫ ♫ Flow so sick that it should be mopped up ♫ ♫ Chick’s got a Dixie cup ♫ ♫ I got a dick full of helium, I’ll f*ck you up ♫ ♫ A boy, a girl, a middle-aged bitch ♫ ♫ Botox in the third person ♫ ♫ I gave the perspective a switch and ♫ ♫ Botox in the third person ♫ ♫ Oh, just relax ♫ ♫ If you want to know me here’s two facts ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Said I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ Yeah! ♫ Met a girl named Macy ♫ ♫ I had sex with her all day ♫ ♫ But she was dyslexic ♫ ♫ So I ended up doing the YMCA ♫ ♫ We ball in Asian ♫ ♫ We bowl in prostate cancer semicolon ♫ ♫ Find that hole like I’m Stephen Hawking ♫ ♫ Atticus finch, killing, mocking ♫ ♫ Cry like a child would ♫ ♫ You raped my childhood ♫ ♫ Just strollin’, rollin’ your pole in ♫ ♫ To roly-polly olly’s colon ♫ ♫ To relax the mind ♫ ♫ I take a walk by the clock, and I pass the time ♫ ♫ And rhymin’ mathematical timing ♫ ♫ Syntax impacts the intact timin’ ♫ ♫ I’m an internet provider ♫ ♫ Came from the web like a horny spider ♫ ♫ Kissed a girl in an apple orchard ♫ ♫ Then slipped in cider ♫ (“inside her”) ♫ I thought aids was a butt virus ♫ ♫ Like conjunction junction conjunctivitis ♫ ♫ I spit gold bars ’cause I was molested by my uncle Midas ♫ ♫ Gay dads blow pops, another sucker ♫ ♫ Oedipus was the first mother f*cker ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ ♫ Hungry, hungry hypocrite ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ ♫ We the people of USA ♫ ♫ Jose, we’re not talking to you, esse ♫ ♫ We got a border in order to keep you out ♫ ♫ It’s what my nyu essay is about ♫ ♫ ‘Cause we’re south of heaven, north of hell ♫ ♫ Buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, sell ♫ ♫ We guard the border and we guard it well ♫ ♫ But some slip through the cracks of the liberty bell ♫ ♫ Did I say liberty? I meant taco, paco ♫ ♫ Hey, you better let that rock go ♫ ♫ ‘Cause in real life, goliath wins ♫ ♫ Sells all the silk that the widow spins ♫ ♫ Yeah, one more time ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ ♫ Said a hungry, hungry hypocrite ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hy-y-pocrite ♫ Yeah. ♫ Bitches and hoes, Bo’s hoes ♫ ♫ Yeah, bitches and hoes ♫ ♫ Yeah, I said bitches, hoes ♫ ♫ Bitches and hoes don’t exist ♫ ♫ Because the hoes know Bo’s a feminist ♫ ♫ Bitches and hoes don’t exist ♫ ♫ Because the hoes know Bo’s a feminist ♫ ♫ So take your bras and burn ’em ♫ ♫ You can let me burn ’em ♫ ♫ Take off your bras and burn ’em ♫ ♫ Oh, you can let Bo Burnham burn ’em ♫ ♫ Take your bras and burn ’em ♫ (cheers and applause) ♫ You can let me burn ’em ♫ ♫ Take off your bras and burn ’em ♫ ♫ Burn ’em, you can let Bo Burnham burn ’em ♫ (Cheers and applause) What the f*ck? (Laughter) Let us pray. Don’t feel like you can’t participate, by the way, if you’re not Christian, ’cause this is a prayer for all faiths, so… Dear Jesus of Nazareth… (Laughter) First of all, I’d like to thank you for calling yourself Jesus of Nazareth. It’s sort of like the lord of the rings or something. “I am Jesus of Nazareth, son of Orflek, the butcher.” We know, lord, that you so loved the world from John 3:16, You so loved the world that you sent your only son To die for us, your only son, but at the same time, We’re all your children, so in your eyes, We’re a bunch of girls. (Laughter) So help us as we struggle With the temptations of lesbianism, amen. I, uh… People come to me all the time– all the time, they say the same thing, you know, “Bo, you’re an artist. How do we fix Africa?” (Laughter) I read recently that there are over 22 million people living with HIV aids in Sub-Saharan Africa. Yeah. It was a snapple fact. How do we fix it? How do we fix it? This. Because laughter… Laughter is the best medicine, you know, besides medicine. You guys like impressions? (Cheers and applause) (Clears throat) why? That was Socrates. We’ve done a lot of laughing– lot of laughing. Great for a comedy show. Hey, break the fourth wall. Ma’am. Fifth wall–ma’am at home. We’ve done a lot of– we’ve done a lot of laughing. But we haven’t done a lot of thinking. And I’d like to do that now, and what better to stop comic inertia than a little bit of poetic friction? I’ve written some haikus. Haikus are Japanese poems consisting of 17 syllables, 3 Lines, 5, 7, 5. I find them to have a certain clearness in their cogency, sort of a soundness in their simplicity, if you will. So what we’ll do now hopefully is read these haikus, think for a little bit, and then we’ll go back to the jokes and the laughing and we’ll have benefited from the time we took to think. So if could just, you know, put up with these, think for a bit, hopefully, and then we’ll go back to the jokes, but these are my haikus. I saw a rainbow on the day my grandma died. F*cking lesbian. (Triangle dings, laughter) For 15 cents a day, you can feed an African. They eat pennies. (Triangle dings, laughter) Old people’s skin sags because it is being pulled towards the underworld. (Triangle dings, laughter) missed that. A kid insulted my mother so I said, “Your mama is so black!” (Triangle dings, laughter) “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Said the rapist. (Triangle dings, laughter) My aunt used to say, “slow and steady wins the race.” She died in a fire. (Triangle dings, laughter) Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones or masturbate in the daytime. (Triangle dings, laughter) It’s true. Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person. (Triangle dings, laughter) And finally… Bono, if you wanna help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you c*nt. (Triangle dings, cheers and applause) Thank you, this next piece– this next piece is called “sonnet 155” or “if Shakespeare had written a porn.” And it goes like this. I saw the morning dew betwixt thine thighs As I removed my source of Grecian power. As if king Midas dared to touch the skies, Upon thy body fell a golden shower. (Audience groans) Thy body’s temple’s two church bells had rung. Upon thy chest, a roll of pearls bestowed. The sun had set, thy set with weary hung. I thought, how black a night, and blew a load. (Audience groans) I said what light through yonder beaver breaks? It is the yeast. (Audience groans, scattered cheering) And now my belly’s yellow. My pole gives cause to storms and earthy quakes, But ’tis not massive, I am no Othello. And when that final moment came to pass, Like Christ, I came a-riding on an ass. Thank you very much. (Cheers and applause) Thank you, William Shakespeare… William Shakespeare was a verbal contortionist. He can bend his words the way a contortionist bends his frame, and I would hope that he could with a name like William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare– some of you seem lost. Look, say your name was Robert Frost, and you couldn’t write, that would suck. Well, I guess you could always go as Bobby Frost and own an ice cream truck. He was balanced like a simile and could stack metaphor five, six at a time and rhyme into the very last line of a soliloquy which finally said outright what the previous 77 we’re only hinting at. He had puns and quips and tons of trips with sons with ships, with nuns with hips and buns and lips, but I have something that Shakespeare never had. Penicillin. (Laughter) See, it hadn’t been invented yet. Back then, they only had quillicillin, hey-oh! Sorry, it’s not that hard, bard. I’m sorry, I got a bone to pick with you, William. So if you could just listen up here and listen to this theater queer’s theater query here and maybe act like a real artist for once in your life. Say Van Gogh and, “lend me your ear.” You’re not a writer. You’re a writer like Hulk Hogan’s a street fighter. You write these dramas, you accumulate your wealth, you hold nature as t’were mirror of yourself. Just ’cause you’re messed up doesn’t mean we are, too. Just ’cause you wanna bang your mom doesn’t mean that Danish princes do. What? Who? Hamlet, Shakespeare. Yeah, that’s right. The young prince whose father died at the hands of his uncle with whom his mother lied. Sound familiar? It’s the f*cking “Lion King”! (Laughter and applause) You stole from a Disney movie, you androgynous douche. What’s next, the story of a French king on a quest to find his lost son Nemo? (Laughter) Oh, and by the way, poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f*cking sense make. (Laughter) “To be or not to be?” That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them, to die… To sleep no more, and by a sleep, to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. ‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream. Aye, there’s the rub, for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil? Must give us pause. (Scoffs) like, what? (Laughter) This next song is about quantum mechanics. This next song– (Laughter) I was raised very well, you know, like a field of corn. I was also raised very Christian, like the children of the corn. And Christians get angry at me, they do, because I say things like, “Why the long nose, pope-nocchio?” They think I’ll gonna go to hell. Truth is, I’ve been to Christian hell, and I wrote a song about it. ♫ Hitler was there, and so were all the Jews ♫ ♫ Yeah, so it got a little awkward ♫ (Laughter) I was surrounded by Catholicism at a young age and I was also in a garage band for 20 minutes. This is the product of that. Hit it. (Electronic music plays) (Laughter) (Violin riff plays) (Cheers and applause) ♫ All the seats at the Sunday mass is ♫ ♫ Filled with the masses’ mass of asses ♫ ♫ Classes pass as fast as molasses ♫ ♫ Ceremonial reading glasses ♫ ♫ Read a little bit of Leviticus ♫ ♫ All the kids are a little too little for this ♫ ♫ All the parents nod in agreement ♫ ♫ “I think I can vaguely see what he meant” ♫ ♫ It’s too early in the morning glory ♫ ♫ To read another allegory story ♫ ♫ The father reads a little bit farther ♫ ♫ Assuring the assured that they need not bother ♫ ♫ When god, in verse 45 ♫ ♫ Said that slaves are okay to buy ♫ ♫ He meant that people all from the start ♫ ♫ Each have slaves within their hearts ♫ ♫ Things that we have sold or bought ♫ ♫ And then are forced to pick our moral cotton ♫ ♫ God calls us to set these free ♫ ♫ Free our hearts from slavery ♫ ♫ And then as god goes on to explain ♫ ♫ The logistics of buying and selling slaves ♫ (Music stops) He was messin’ around. He’s–he– Jesus is sort of like– (Music continues) ♫ In the back, I sit and I nod ♫ ♫ To the beats that are bumpin’ from my iPod ♫ ♫ My god, they’re starting to pray ♫ ♫ And over the music, I can hear them say ♫ ♫ Dear god, dear lord ♫ ♫ Dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword ♫ ♫ Dear good all-seeing being ♫ ♫ My way or the highway Yahweh ♫ ♫ The blue-balled anti-masturbator ♫ ♫ The great all-loving faggot hater ♫ ♫ I like to thank your holy might ♫ ♫ For making me both rich and white ♫ ♫ And though this is your day of rest ♫ ♫ I come to you with one request ♫ ♫ There’s so much pain beyond this steeple ♫ ♫ Wars and drugs and homeless people ♫ ♫ Sadness where there should be joy ♫ ♫ Hate and rape and soulja boy ♫ ♫ A world in darkness needs your light ♫ ♫ So I’m sure your schedule’s pretty tight ♫ But my dog just had leg surgery. If you could fix that first? Jesus? ♫ Debra messing’s fingers in a holy place ♫ ♫ Hail Mary full of grace ♫ ♫ Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope? ♫ ♫ I know a couple dudes who want to elope ♫ ♫ See, the church said nope, so the bros can’t cope ♫ ♫ Bros can grope, but the bros can’t cope ♫ ♫ They’ve been in love and they’ve been addicted ♫ ♫ Who said they shouldn’t? Benedict did ♫ ♫ ‘Cause in the holy land of the lord ♫ ♫ He’s the holy landlord and dicks are evicted ♫ ♫ ‘Cause you can be a benedict ♫ ♫ If you bend a dick under benedict ♫ ♫ But you can’t have benedicts ♫ ♫ Because there’s only one pope with only one dick, what? ♫ ♫ Yeah, a dick on a pope is ♫ ♫ Just like a soap on rope ♫ ♫ ‘Cause it’s pointless unless in prison ♫ ♫ Throw up your bibles, Christ has risen ♫ ♫ Hallelujah, now it’s raining men ♫ ♫ Because the gender ratio’s one-to-ten ♫ ♫ Winos at the eucharist station ♫ ♫ Transgendered substantiation ♫ ♫ Jesus wasn’t the messiah, get back ♫ ♫ I’m a heretic, and I’m on fire ♫ ♫ It was Oedipus, those holy knights ♫ ♫ The holy mother f*ckin’ Christ ♫ ♫ I’m a blasphemer post-Katrina cruisin’ the marina ♫ ♫ On a crusade to cruise aids and blast fema ♫ ♫ You’re too late, we’re f*cked, we don’t need you, amen ♫ ♫ In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost ♫ ♫ Head, shoulders, knees and toes ♫ ♫ Turn up your nose, strike that pose ♫ ♫ Hey macarena ♫ (Record scratch, cheers and applause) I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those sort of worked out. I’d like to try to do both, though now in a bit that I call “theoretical dick jokes.” Goes like this. (Laughter) My penis is so small I often have trouble finding it because it’s so gratefully influenced by quantum mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space-time. And when I’m having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my penis is or how fast it’s moving ’cause it’s small enough and light enough to be fully governed by the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. I’ve got an eating disorder. Yeah, more like nutritional entropy. So… (Light laughter) Never said I was funny, okay? So stop staring at me. Segues are weird. How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy, like, 12? I have a cousin who is 18, yeah. Still believes in gay marriage. It’s like… (Laughter) I know what you guys are thinking– “Oh, Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects. You know, “is there anything off-limits, anything you don’t find funny, anything you think is too sacred to laugh at?” And the truth is, there is. White people. (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) I think we’ve been through enough. (Laughter) I find numbers to be fascinating and more specifically than numbers, I find statistics to be particularly enlightening, thought-provoking even. I’ve gathered some here. These are all 100% true. When you leave this theater and enter the world devoid of art, you can check these, and they will come back ’cause they are true. I don’t want them to blow your mind, but maybe you’ll hear one of these and go, “Oh, my god, never thought of that.” So these are my statistics. (Clears throat) (Light laughter) Approximately 33.33% Of the Jonas Brothers have diabetes. (Laughter) One out of every four kids with the initials A.D.D. Actually has it, and four out of four kids with the initials A.D.H.D. Have an annoying, self-righteous mother who wouldn’t just shut the f*ck up and take her husband’s last name. Here’s a fun one. One of the every 44 U.S. Presidents can dunk. It’s Millard Fillmore, you racists. The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes. (Audience groans) It’s a fact! I’m not making light of it. It’s numbers. (Laughter) All right, you guys are offended by that one, you’re definitely gonna be offended by the next one. But you have to understand something– I am, too. I think this is f*cked up. .27% of all Jenga Games are played on 9/11. Now– (audience groans) It’s f*cked up! Stop playing Jenga on 9/11. Stop it. Stop it. Stop playing Jenga… (Laughter) That was awkward. This next one blew my mind. Blew my mind. And you’re not gonna believe this when you hear it. But go home, check it. I swear to god it’s true. The average person… has one fallopian tube. (Laughter) The average penis length is 5 1/2 inches. And finally, the average penis length of a man who googles “average penis length” is 3 1/2 inches. Thank you. (Cheers and applause) Yeah, Bo! Yeah, Bo! (Audience members shouting) Yeah. Thank you. I went to the movies the other day because I went to see the 20th anniversary of Schindler’s List in 3-d. (Rimshot) And I went into the girls’ bathroom to look for my camera. (Rimshot) And I saw a container that said “sanitary napkins only.” Ladies… (Drumroll) Don’t put all your eggs in one basket! That’s a joke! (Laughter and applause) (Laughter) This song– This song isn’t funny at all, but it helps me sleep at night. ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Entertainers like to seem complicated ♫ ♫ But we’re not complicated ♫ ♫ I can explain it pretty easily ♫ ♫ Have you ever been to a birthday party for children ♫ ♫ And one of the children won’t stop screaming ♫ ♫ ‘Cause he’s just a little attention-attractor ♫ ♫ When he grows up to be a comic or actor ♫ ♫ He’ll be rewarded for never maturing ♫ ♫ For never understanding or learning ♫ ♫ That every day can’t be about him ♫ ♫ There’s other people, you selfish asshole ♫ ♫ I must be psychotic, I must be demented ♫ ♫ To think that I’m worthy of all this attention ♫ ♫ Of all of this money you worked really hard for ♫ ♫ I slept in late while you worked at the drugstore ♫ ♫ My drug’s attention, I am an addict ♫ ♫ But I get paid to indulge in my habit ♫ ♫ It’s all an illusion, I’m wearing make-up ♫ ♫ I’m wearing make-up, make-up, make-up, make-up ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ So people think you’re funny ♫ ♫ How do we get those people’s money? ♫ ♫ I said art is dead ♫ ♫ We’re rolling in dough while Carlin rolls in his grave ♫ ♫ His grave ♫ ♫ His grave ♫ ♫ I said the show has got a budget ♫ ♫ The show has got a budget ♫ ♫ And all the poor people way more deserving ♫ ♫ Of the money won’t budge it ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I wanted my name in lights ♫ ♫ When I could have fed a family of four ♫ ♫ For 40 f*cking fortnights ♫ ♫ 40 F*cking fortnights ♫ ♫ I am an artist, please, god, forgive me ♫ ♫ I am an artist, please, don’t revere me ♫ ♫ I am an artist, please, don’t respect me ♫ ♫ I am an artist, feel free to correct me ♫ ♫ A self-centered artist, self-obsessed artist ♫ ♫ I am an artist, I am an artist ♫ ♫ But I’m just a kid, I’m just a kid ♫ ♫ I’m just a kid, kid, and maybe I’ll grow out of it ♫ (Cheers and applause) Old comics– older comics from, like, the ’80s and the ’70s, they think that my act is hacky because it relies on music and other things, and they’re such comedy purists, and they don’t think my comedy can stand on its own, Which isn’t true because, right, I am a comedy purist at heart, and I can do comedy without the gimmicks. And it can still be good. I’ll show you that right now. What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names. (Laughter and applause) I’m not a traditional stand-up, um, but I’d like to be. I love traditional stand-up comedy, and a lot of my heroes are traditional stand-up comics, and I’ve been watching a lot of it, and I think I’ve sort of figured out the trick to it. So I’ll give you my traditional stand-up act now. It’s in its infancy so please be gentle. Uh… My wife, right? (Laughter) We never have sex, like, ever, which is funny. Something else is I never know what she’s saying. You know, she’ll say something, and I’ll be, like… something else is, she’s, like, constantly emasculating me, and I’m making her resent herself for getting older, so we’re looking into a divorce, which is funny. Something else is she can’t drive. The only thing she can drive is drive me crazy! You know, when she back-talks, I hit her. (Laughter) I hope you all enjoyed the show. Thank you so much for coming, and if you didn’t, you know… When life gets you down… Make a comforter. (Laughter) I feel like hip-hop… Used to be a voice for the voiceless, you know? And now it’s become, at least in the mainstream, a symbol of misogyny… Gay panic… Fiscal irresponsibility, you know? So I figure… If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. ♫ Hittin’ the club up V.I.P. ♫ ♫ I’ve got a fake mustache and a fake I.D. ♫ ♫ I look like wooly willy with a really wooly willy ♫ ♫ And I bypass the bouncer ♫ ♫ Pass by an ex, and I flex and bounce her, wowser ♫ ♫ Look at all of Bo’s hoes ♫ ♫ Looking for a ride on Bo’s hose ♫ ♫ And I spot a little Latino ♫ ♫ Booty so big, call it Oprah’s ego ♫ ♫ We go do it through it ♫ ♫ She says, “dios mio, mi amigo” ♫ ♫ When we were done, she said, “heh, imma aya” ♫ ♫ Swallow, bitch, there’s people starvin’ in Africa ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make the single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were gay, though I swear I’m straight ♫ ♫ I’d make the fellas say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ I said, oh, Bo ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ You’re an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top ♫ ♫ But careful, cherry, ’cause I’m the king of pop ♫ ♫ Pop, pop goes the weasel ♫ ♫ Have you lookin’ like Jackson Pollack’s easel ♫ ♫ Yeah, my suggestion is ♫ ♫ You don’t blow till you know what congestion is ♫ ♫ Swallow when you know what digestion is ♫ ♫ Follow Bo, the only question is ♫ ♫ Have you been splattered before ♫ ♫ By the mad hatter matador ♫ ♫ Cake batter nevermore ♫ ♫ It don’t matter whether you’re ♫ ♫ Spanish, French, Swedish, or Cambodian ♫ ♫ I’ll slime you so hard you could be on nickelodeon ♫ (Cheers and applause) ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make the single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were gay ♫ ♫ Though I swear I’m straight ♫ ♫ I’d make the fellas say ♫ (Scattered shouting) ♫ Oh, Bo, I said, oh, Bo ♫ ♫ I said, oh, Bo ♫ ♫ You think that you can handle me ♫ ♫ Girl, don’t make me laugh ♫ ♫ My junk is bipolar, it’ll split you in half ♫ ♫ I said, and if you’re lucky ♫ ♫ I might just bring you home, and I’ll have you going down ♫ ♫ Like you’re growing an extra chromosome ♫ ♫ And when you love me, don’t grab me by my buns ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I got a bad case of the ru-u-ns ♫ ♫ I got the runs ♫ ♫ I got the ru-uh-uh- oh, oh ♫ ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make the single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were, oh, so that I were ♫ ♫ Yeah, and if I were ♫ (Music softens) Like to break it down for y’all. I came from the streets with nothing. (Light laughter) Now I’m making hit records. For my people still living in the streets, Still living in poverty, I wanna tell you, I’m doing this for you. My success… Is your success. And you may be thinking, “hey, if you really believe that, “Why don’t you use some of your money “To help rebuild the neighborhood Instead of putting spinning rims on a gold jetski?” (Laughter) And to that I say… Uh-oh, chorus is coming up. ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make those single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were, oh, so that I were ♫ ♫ Yeah, and if I were ♫ ♫ You got a fume like a tuna ♫ ♫ I’ll smell you later ♫ ♫ I met a fat chick and I f*cked her in an elevator ♫ ♫ It was wrong on so many levels ♫ (Laughter) ♫ ‘Cause I said it was wrong on so many levels ♫ ♫ I said it was wrong on ♫ (Cheers and applause) Oh… Okay. ♫ I don’t know if all boy scouts are gay ♫ ♫ They could probably tie the knot ♫ (cheers and applause) ♫ In like fifty different– ♫ I’m dying inside! ♫ I got a safe full of cherries ’cause I pop it and lock it ♫ ♫ A girl’s like a fridge, once a week you should stalk it ♫ ♫If your into rimmin, it’s only safe if your swimmin’ ♫ ♫ Girl, don’t sit on that couch ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I treat my objects like women ♫ ♫ I spit fire like I just blew a demon ♫ ♫ My shit’s so hot I’ll leave your toilet bowl steamin’ ♫ ♫ I’m gonna tear it like the cards of the gypsies ♫ ♫ You’ll bleed for so long you’ll get monthly ellipses ♫ ♫ If your pants are loose, I’ll replete ya ♫ ♫ You’re a first time vegan, and it’s nice to meet ya ♫ ♫ I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ ♫ I’m a real g that can really find your g spot ♫ (audience clapping to beat) ♫ Oh, yeah, you’re not a f*cking metronome ♫ (Laughter and applause) Yeah. ♫ Go to a vagina orchard, count 1, 2, 3 ♫ ♫ Spin that plant around, you got a third world country ♫ ♫ No, that’s right, consider yourself warned ♫ ♫ I’m offensive and creative like handicapped porn ♫ ♫ You’re playing with your breasts ♫ ♫ Excuse me, can I try it ma’am? ♫ ♫ Your pushin’ ’em together like a titty Venn diagram ♫ ♫ Look at that crack, excuse me can I buy a gram? ♫ ♫ Right below your diaphragm, ass looks like your hidin’ ham ♫ ♫ First base, were making out ♫ ♫ Mother f*cker, second base, I’m getting faked out, yo ♫ ♫Third base, I’m getting take-out ♫ ♫ And I try to take it home if I knew I’d take it out ♫ ♫ But I just don’t know I said I just don’t care ♫ ♫ My flow’s so cold I need a tampon from a polar bear ♫ ♫ And you can spell and smell my stink ♫ ♫ ‘Cause B.O. lingers and it makes you think ♫ ♫ I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ I’m bad at sex. Get it? (Laughter and applause) Yeah, what? ♫ ‘Cause girls are like donuts when I be bustin’ Bo nuts ♫ ♫ I can make ’em cream-filled or give them a layer of glaze ♫ ♫ I’m like Doug’s friend Skeeter whenever I meet her ♫ (Audience singing) ♫ ’cause I skeet her so hard ♫ ♫ People call her patty mayonnaise ♫ Yeah, that’s sad. (Cheers and applause) ♫ Yeah, what, uh ♫ ♫ Yeah, ’cause there’s an inverse relationship ♫ ♫ Between respect and sects ♫ ♫ I’m talking about religious sects like a Mormon sect ♫ ♫ That says you can’t have sex ♫ ♫ With members of different sects ♫ ♫ But you can’t have sex with members of the same sex ♫ ♫ The sects can’t be different, sex can’t be same ♫ ♫ The only sex left is some left-hand shame ♫ ♫ Girl, I left you ’cause you left the game ♫ ♫ And if that don’t feel right then you can write my name ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ ♫ Oh, gee ♫ (Cheers and applause) ♫ My junks so long that it hangs and swings ♫ ♫ At the nude beach people think I’m lookin’ for lost rings ♫ ♫ Play the skin flute, your big boy sings ♫ If you want to take it all wear African neck rings. ‘Cause, like, man. (Laughter) ♫ Haters call me gay, but that ain’t hatin’ ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I’m not homophobic, my morals are straight ♫ ♫ And if I’m in the closet then you are below me ♫ ♫ Takin’ the b-a-t out of “basement,” homey ♫ Spells “semen.” ♫ ‘Cause I’m Bo, yo, and I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ This song’s gonna end really awkwardly. Thank you. I’ll do one– Thank you guys so much for coming. I hope you have a great night, and you’re the best. See you, Boston! Whoa, Boston! Red sox. (Cheers and applause) Go, Mo Vaughn. (Scattered cheers) ♫ I love you like kings love queens ♫ ♫ Like a gay geneticist loves designer genes ♫ ♫ I need you like New Orleans needs a drought ♫ ♫ Like Hitler’s father needed to learn to pull out ♫ ♫ And I want you, yeah ♫ ♫ Like a lawyer/mathematician wants some kind of proof ♫ ♫ And I want you, yeah ♫ ♫ Like JFK wanted ♫ ♫ A car with a roof ♫ Is he here? ♫ Because love is taking a dive ♫ ♫ Then getting really comfortable ♫ ♫ And peeing in the pool ♫ ♫ And love is a real-life porn ♫ ♫ Minus all the stuff that makes porn cool ♫ ♫ And love is a homeless guy ♫ ♫ Searching for treasure in the middle of the rain ♫ ♫ And finding a bag of gold coins ♫ ♫ And slowly finding out they’re all filled with chocolate ♫ ♫ And even though he’s heartbroken ♫ ♫ He can’t complain ’cause he was hungry in the first place ♫ ♫ I love you like Dora loves maps ♫ ♫ Like the pope’s toilet loves holy craps ♫ ♫ I need you like a voyeur needs a branch ♫ ♫ Like boys tossing salad ♫ ♫ Needs a little bit of neverland ranch ♫ I wrote it before! I’m fine. ♫ And I want you, yeah ♫ ♫ Like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same ♫ ♫ Never want to conform, what? ♫ ♫ And I want you like Anne Frank wanted ♫ Nobody to read her f*cking diary. (Cheers and applause) ♫ ‘Cause a diary’s a collection of secret things ♫ ♫ No one’s supposed to read ♫ ♫ That’s the whole point of a diary ♫ ♫ Millions of people have breached ♫ ♫ This little girl’s privacy after she was chased by Nazis ♫ ♫ Kick her while she’s down ♫ ♫ And if we met in 10,000 BC ♫ ♫ I was your caveman, you was my cavelady ♫ ♫ If we got hot, we’d start a-rubbing ♫ ♫ If we got hungry, we’d go clubbing ♫ ♫ There’s woolly mammoths, but I will protect us ♫ ♫ You’re making me devolve to a homo erectus ♫ Yeah, hominid tree. ♫ And if we met in 1780 ♫ ♫ I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner ♫ ♫ And you were my dark-skinned servant lady slave ♫ ♫ Whenever I could get away from the missus ♫ ♫ I’d go to your shed, and then I’d steal you kisses ♫ ♫ But let’s be serious ♫ ♫ I’d still work you full-time as a slave ♫ ♫ There’s a difference between romantic language ♫ ♫ And complete disregard for socio-economic trends ♫ ♫ So if we met in 1941 ♫ ♫ I was a Nazi, you’s a gypsy on the run ♫ ♫ That’s a little redundant ♫ ♫ That ♫ ♫ Probably wouldn’t have worked out, okay ♫ ♫ Yeah, because love is your favorite food ♫ ♫ For every breakfast, lunch, and dinner ♫ ♫ And love is the holocaust if you don’t die quick ♫ ♫ And you don’t get thinner ♫ ♫ And love is being the owner of the company ♫ ♫ That makes rape whistles, and even though ♫ ♫ You started the company with good intentions ♫ ♫ Trying to reduce the rate of rape ♫ ♫ Now you don’t want to reduce it at all ♫ ♫ ‘Cause if the rape rate declines, ♫ ♫ You’ll see an equal decline in whistle sales ♫ ♫ Yeah, without a rapist who’s gonna buy your whistle? ♫ ♫ Because love is ♫ ♫ Love is all about whistles ♫ (Cheers and applause) | (Cheers and applause) Thank you. (Laughter) When I say hey, you say ho. Hey. Ho! Hey. Ho! That’s basically how Hitler rose to power. (Laughter, soft piano music plays) ♫ My show is a little bit silly ♫ ♫ And a little bit pretentious ♫ ♫ Like Shakespeare’s willie ♫ ♫ Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on ♫ ♫ It’s also a little bit gay ♫ ♫ And a little bit offensive ♫ ♫ Like thanksgiving day ♫ ♫ Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap… On ♫ ♫ So put your cell phones to vibrate ♫ ♫ And put your vibrators to cell-phone mode ♫ ♫ And welcome to the show ♫ ♫ It goes a little bit like this–joke ♫ ♫ Exactly, welcome to my flow ♫ ♫ It flows a little bit like this ♫ ♫ With a rap and a diss ♫ ♫ Then a swift rap on the wrist a rap and a kiss ♫ ♫ Like Hershey’s wrappin’ a kiss, shit ♫ ♫ I got a show that’ll test your kids ♫ ♫ And I’d ask one question, and the question is ♫ ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫ ♫ What’s funny ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Humor is often linked to shared experience ♫ ♫ Like a guy gets up and says have you noticed ♫ ♫ That public restrooms have really inefficient hand dryers ♫ ♫ Oh, my god, yes, I have ♫ ♫ Ha ha ha, really good point ♫ ♫ They should fix that ♫ ♫ It’s good to know that somebody finally gets me ♫ ♫ ‘Cause my wife divorced me which subconsciously forced me ♫ ♫ To lose all sense of self ♫ ♫ So it’s nice to think about hand dryers ♫ ♫ And not that cheating whore ♫ ♫ Because stand-up comedy is actually pretty easy ♫ ♫ If you’re an Asian comic just get up and say ♫ ♫ My mother’s got the weirdest f*ckin’ accent ♫ ♫ Then just do a Chinese accent ♫ ♫ ‘Cause everybody laughs at the Chinese accent ♫ ♫ Because they privately thought your people were laughable ♫ ♫ Now you’ve given them the chance ♫ ♫ To express that in public ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah, if you’re a musical comic ♫ ♫ Just give ’em a little weird voice inflection ♫ ♫ Then take a Viagra ♫ ♫ And slap ’em with a rock-hard misdirection ♫ ♫ Oh, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫ Tourettes! ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, oh ♫ ♫ And the audience says, when I was a baby ♫ ♫ Maybe I laughed at people jiggling keys ♫ ♫ Now I’m older and bolder and just get mad ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I notice that the keys are to a hummer ♫ ♫ F*ck my life, I don’t f*ck my wife ♫ ♫ So f*ck my wife and f*ck my life ♫ ♫ And my son is gay, but not sitcom gay ♫ ♫ Daughter’s a whore like another girl ♫ ♫ That used to be your mother ♫ ♫ But the marriage made her miss Mary Americana ♫ ♫ I wanna team with that screamin’ prima donna ♫ ♫ But the radical feminists made my wife a man ♫ ♫ Oh, and if I die happy the situation ♫ ♫ Will be autoerotic asphyxiation ♫ ♫ I hate my life and it hates me back ♫ ♫ And my friend is black ♫ ♫ But I don’t know what to call him ♫ ♫ So I just call him ♫ “What up, Jamal?” (Laughter) ♫ Even though his name is Steve ♫ ♫ I hate my job, I hate my life ♫ ♫ Hate my kids, I hate my wife ♫ ♫ Jews don’t I know I do it, Judas beat me to it ♫ ♫ I’m slowly slipping into a solipsistic coma ♫ ♫ And I masturbate ’cause I’m the only one ♫ ♫ Whose standards are low enough to f*ck me ♫ (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫ (Pops) it’s a boy. ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, yeah ♫ ♫ Hopefully this ♫ (plays finale) (Raspberry) Thank you. (Cheers and applause) Thank you. My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin’ bitch all the time. (Laughter) But you know, they say if you wanna know what a girl’s gonna look like, look at her mother, you know, so I’m so glad I broke up with her, ’cause she would’ve been, you know… Dead. (Laughter and groaning) (Woman) I want your baby! I’m keeping him. Guys, I’m a realist! I’m a realist. I try not to romanticize reality. You know, like when life gives you lemons, you probably just found lemons. But at the same time, I don’t deny the beauty in the world ’cause there is so much beauty, because life Can be so symmetrical, it gives birth to this almost silent poetry, you know, like a hermaphrodite playing the keytar, or a young amish boy trying to blow out the light bulbs on his birthday cake, or a girl–a girl who’s terrible at grammar saying, “mama, you raised me good.” And then being pushed down a well. Symmetry. Here’s some racial humor for you. White people are like this– “eh.” Black people are like this– “wha.” We’re destined to fight forever. Blood in the streets. (Laughter) If I had a dime–ha! If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say, “no.” (Laughter) No. Nope. Yo’ mama so fat! Yo’ mama so ugly! Yo’ mama so stupid! Your mother’s breasts sag with such severity that the late great surrealist artist Salvador Dali mistook them for clocks. (Laughter and applause) Um, thank you. I–I believe– I believe firmly that women are always right. (Cheers and applause) I do. I do. Oh, I should rephrase that. I, uh… Don’t. ♫ Men and women ♫ This song is called “men and women”! ♫ Men are like vows ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they’re easily broken ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Women are like cows ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they both have vaginas ♫ ♫ Men are like muzzles ♫ ♫ Because they’ll try to shut you up ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Women are like puzzles ♫ ♫ ‘Cause prior to 1920, neither had the right to vote ♫ ♫ Puzzles still don’t ♫ ♫ Oh, a man is an eagle ♫ ♫ Yeah, a woman is a dove ♫ ♫ Women can fake orgasms ♫ ♫ But men can fake love ♫ (Cheers and applause) ♫ Women are like fingers and toes ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they’re easy to count on ♫ (Audience aws) It’s cute. (Laughter) ♫ Men are like ravens and crows ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they hate using condoms ♫ (Laughter and applause) What? ♫ Women are like Yahtzees, oh, yeah ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I rarely get them ♫ I don’t. ♫ Men are like Nazis ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they both caused the holocaust ♫ It’s true. ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ For every dollar that a man makes ♫ ♫ A woman makes 70 cents ♫ ♫ That doesn’t make sense, that’s not fair ♫ ♫ The man’s only left with 30 ♫ ♫ Men and women ♫ ♫ Oh, men and women, it’s black and white ♫ ♫ With an area of gray for hermaphrodite ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Oh, well, yeah ♫ ♫ Male strippers ♫ ♫ Always look like they’re applying lotion ♫ ♫ And female strippers when they’re dancing on the pole ♫ ♫ Just look like ♫ ♫ Confused firemen ♫ Thanks. (Cheers and applause) Thank you. (Man) Pick that wedge! (Mocking laugh) (Laughter) (Audience member wolf whistles) I’m 19 years old. I’m a young comedian. I hate that term “young comedian.” I prefer “prodigy.” And people pigeonhole me, you know, as a comic, which is so disingenuous. ‘Cause I’m not a comedian. I’m an artist. And I don’t do comedy shows. I do one-man shows. I’ve been doing them– 1998 was my first one-man show. It was a show about Jews in Nazi Germany called “Under the Floorboards.” (Light laughter) No, no, no, watch and then judge. This is a scene from “under the floorboards.” (Clears throat) Hey. Shh! Then in ’99– (laughter and applause) ’99, I did a piece called “the catholic orgasm.” I’ll do a scene from that. (Moans, sobs) 2000…um… 2000, I did a piece called “the inappropriate musician.” Mike… Mike, back off the ledge, Mike. Mike, think about your kids. You want them to grow up without a father? Is that what you want, Mike? Mike, please, listen to me! I’m your friend! Mike! Mike, no, mike! No, Mike! (Plays descending note) (Plays ascending note) He’s saved. And then in, um, 2001, I did John Steinbeck’s “The Grapes of Wrath,” except I adapted it into a story about an intergalactic sexual predator called “The Rapes of Grath.” (Laughter) 2002, I did a piece– if you’re familiar with the piece “the elephant man” I did a piece based off that called “bulldog man” and I’ll do a monologue from that right now. (Laughter) 2000, Uh… (Cheers and applause) 2000–Thank you. That was a good one. I got a danza nomination for that. It’s right after the Tonys. 2000– 2003 I did a piece called “the native American in the magic show.” How? (Laughter) 2004, I did a piece called “Smeagol from Lord of the Rings having sex with a black girl. (Imitates Gollum) Oh! Precious. (Laughter and applause) Two thou… 2005, I did a piece called “Charlie brown getting molested.” (Clears throat) What are you doing? Hello, is anybody here? (Imitates “Charlie Brown” adult speech) What are you doing? Let go of me! What are you doing?! (Rhythmically imitates “Charlie Brown” adult speech) Good grief! So, 2000, um.. (Cheers and applause) Thank you. Yeah. That was a good one. 2005, 6? 5? Doesn’t matter. I’m lying. 2000– (Laughter) 2006, I did a piece called “the figure skater’s father.” My son? What does he do? He’s a, uh… He’s an athlete. What kind of athlete? He’s a, uh… He’s a f– He a– He’s a f– (Women scream) 2000… (Laughter) 2007, I did a piece called “the juggler’s wife.” “Please stop juggling!” 2008… I did a dark piece that caused a lot of controversy because I played a slave in the 1780s, but I didn’t wear makeup, ’cause as an artist, I feel I’m qualified to tell any story. And it was a piece called “whiplashes,” and it’s raw, hard art, so if you’re averse to that, you might want to look away. But this is the climactic scene from “whiplashes.” You’ll have to answer to god for this. (Imitates whip crack) Ow. (Laughter) You’re a dick. And then, um… 2009, Which is the final piece before the piece I’m doing currently, um… I did a really emotional piece. It means a lot to me, so forgive me if I break down, but it’s called the “the boy and his dog.” It goes like this. Get out of here, all right? Go, please. I can’t afford to keep you anymore, I just can’t. Just…don’t make this harder than it has to be. Just–I hate you. Is that what you need to hear from me? I hate you, okay? I hate you. (Voice breaks) I hate you! And it’s just not me. My dog hates Mexicans, too. (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) Oh, god. Gotta love irony. I, um… I believe in the zodiac. I do, I do, completely. I’m a Leo. I love “Titanic.” But this is something a little bit morbidly ironic. My grandmother, she was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab. (Laughter) This is a song about the idea of irony. So strap in. (Lively piano music plays) ♫ My dog’s stomach was very upset ♫ ♫ So I put him in the car, and we went to the vet ♫ ♫ And on our way to the vet ♫ ♫ I killed a cat ♫ ♫ Hey, I said isn’t that ironic? ♫ ♫ I adopted a child from overseas ♫ ♫ To rescue him from child-labor factories ♫ ♫ And on his very first birthday ♫ ♫ We went to build-a-bear workshop ♫ ♫ Isn’t that ironic? ♫ ♫ Isn’t that i-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ I-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ Water park is burned to the ground ♫ ♫ And a tow truck has broken down ♫ ♫ I always used to cry when I laughed ♫ ♫ And then I was raped by a clown ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Isn’t– ♫ ♫ I was watching Al Gore on CNN ♫ ♫ He was talking and talking and talking and then ♫ ♫ Out of boredom my pet polar bear shot himself ♫ ♫ Isn’t that ironic? ♫ ♫ I dated an animal rights activist ♫ ♫ And one day she got really pissed ♫ ♫ Because I was eating veal that was wrapped in pita bread ♫ Peta? F*ck it. (Laughter) ♫ Isn’t that i-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ I-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c? ♫ ♫ Yeah, I’m a stand-up comic ♫ ♫ And I always sit and slouch ♫ ♫ And I got my girlfriend pregnant ♫ ♫ On my sterile uncle’s pull-out couch ♫ (Chuckles) ♫ Isn’t it ironic? I-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ Yeah, if every day you play the board game Risk ♫ ♫ You’ve probably never taken a risk in your life ♫ ♫ And Monopoly has far from a stranglehold ♫ ♫ On the board game market ♫ ♫ A little kid died from suffocation ♫ ♫ When he choked on a game piece from operation ♫ ♫ And I can’t grow a beard ♫ ♫ That one’s not ironic ♫ ♫ That one’s just sad ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Yeah, Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant ♫ (Laughter) ♫ My grandfather had Alzheimer’s ♫ ♫ And one day, we were ♫ (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) (Man) Take it off, big boy! Thank you, it’s a medium. Um… (Laughter) We live in a binary reality. We do. It’s a world of black and white. There’s only two types of people in this world, you know, those who can finish lists… What is art? What is art? Is art something gay people do to get back at their fathers? Could be. What is an artist? What makes a great artist, great artists like myself, like the great director Michael Bay. Like the great Irish actor, Shaquille O’Neal. We ask questions, you know? Questions nobody else dares to ask. Questions like… Where are all the sour patch parents? Questions like if Mickey’s a mouse and Minnie’s a mouse, and Donald’s a duck, and Daisy and Goofy, if they’re all animals, and they can talk, why is Pluto just a f*ckin’ dog? Why–did they just forget to anthropomorphize him, or worse, is Mickey keeping a mentally handicapped dude as pet? I’m not making light of it. That’s f*cked up. How does it fit into that universe, that paradigm? Goofy’s a dog. He’s talking. This one, crawling around. (Laughter) Guys, I would never bash Disney. I would never bash Disney. I think Disney teaches young kids such important lessons. The princess fairy tales teach young girls such important lessons. You know, like Cinderella, it doesn’t matter where you come from or how poor you are as long as you’re incredibly hot. (Laughter) Snow white, you know, which encourages children to, you know, give midgets nicknames. Sleeping beauty, you know, which encourages, uh… date rape. Maybe not– maybe not that one. I was doing a show recently on the border of Hannah, Montana, and South Dakota Fanning. And a guy came up to me after the show, and said, “Bo, why don’t you ever tell stories about people coming up to you after the show?” And I said, “’cause they’re never funny.” (Light laughter) (Man) I would f*ck you. (Mocking laugh) this is a listening show. (Laughter) um… (Light applause) Yeah. Be quiet, America doesn’t want to hear you clap. Do it, though, when I need it. (Scattered clapping) when I need it! (Laughter) I’ve always wanted a black girlfriend, not as joke, just ’cause like, then when we 69, I can call it “yin yanging.” (Audience groans, applause) guys, see– Easy, look, it’s 21st-century racism. It’s racism in light of itself. The only reason I’m making these claims is because the stigmas about race are already there and I’m just playing off that. ‘Cause I think racism itself is so ridiculous, and they understand that, so if after the show, you see a black guy beating me up, he’s doing it ironically. Okay? (Audience members shouting) (Laughter) (Woman) I’ll sleep with you! (Laughter) (Woman) we all will! (Audience members shouting) Ya done? (Laughter) Of course all the women that said that were in the dark. I, um… (Laughter) No, I bet you’re gorgeous in the dark. Um… Okay. (Slow piano music plays) (Tempo increases) ♫ I’m a feminine Eminem ♫ ♫ A slim shady lady but nice ’cause I texted Haiti ♫ ♫ 90 Lady cops in the road ♫ ♫ And I’m arrested for doin’ 80 ♫ ♫ Like hamlet, I’m about words, words, words ♫ ♫ Divide a whole into thirds, thirds, thirds ♫ ♫ I’m a gay sea otter ♫ ♫ I blow other dudes out of the water ♫ ♫ I’m the man-muffin divin’ muffin, ♫ ♫ Cold and fly like an arctic puffin’ ♫ ♫ Puffin’ wacky-tobaccy ♫ ♫ Hatin’ other rappers like I’m huggin’ Pataki ♫ ♫ And I’ve been rockin’ this mic before electricity ♫ ♫ Way back in 1,000 B.C.E. ♫ ♫ That’s before the comin’ era– ♫ (Imitates record scratching) ♫ Oh, god, can’t be stopped ♫ ♫ Flow so sick that it should be mopped up ♫ ♫ Chick’s got a Dixie cup ♫ ♫ I got a dick full of helium, I’ll f*ck you up ♫ ♫ A boy, a girl, a middle-aged bitch ♫ ♫ Botox in the third person ♫ ♫ I gave the perspective a switch and ♫ ♫ Botox in the third person ♫ ♫ Oh, just relax ♫ ♫ If you want to know me here’s two facts ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Said I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ Yeah! ♫ Met a girl named Macy ♫ ♫ I had sex with her all day ♫ ♫ But she was dyslexic ♫ ♫ So I ended up doing the YMCA ♫ ♫ We ball in Asian ♫ ♫ We bowl in prostate cancer semicolon ♫ ♫ Find that hole like I’m Stephen Hawking ♫ ♫ Atticus finch, killing, mocking ♫ ♫ Cry like a child would ♫ ♫ You raped my childhood ♫ ♫ Just strollin’, rollin’ your pole in ♫ ♫ To roly-polly olly’s colon ♫ ♫ To relax the mind ♫ ♫ I take a walk by the clock, and I pass the time ♫ ♫ And rhymin’ mathematical timing ♫ ♫ Syntax impacts the intact timin’ ♫ ♫ I’m an internet provider ♫ ♫ Came from the web like a horny spider ♫ ♫ Kissed a girl in an apple orchard ♫ ♫ Then slipped in cider ♫ (“inside her”) ♫ I thought aids was a butt virus ♫ ♫ Like conjunction junction conjunctivitis ♫ ♫ I spit gold bars ’cause I was molested by my uncle Midas ♫ ♫ Gay dads blow pops, another sucker ♫ ♫ Oedipus was the first mother f*cker ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ ♫ Hungry, hungry hypocrite ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ ♫ We the people of USA ♫ ♫ Jose, we’re not talking to you, esse ♫ ♫ We got a border in order to keep you out ♫ ♫ It’s what my nyu essay is about ♫ ♫ ‘Cause we’re south of heaven, north of hell ♫ ♫ Buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, sell ♫ ♫ We guard the border and we guard it well ♫ ♫ But some slip through the cracks of the liberty bell ♫ ♫ Did I say liberty? I meant taco, paco ♫ ♫ Hey, you better let that rock go ♫ ♫ ‘Cause in real life, goliath wins ♫ ♫ Sells all the silk that the widow spins ♫ ♫ Yeah, one more time ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ ♫ Said a hungry, hungry hypocrite ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hy-y-pocrite ♫ Yeah. ♫ Bitches and hoes, Bo’s hoes ♫ ♫ Yeah, bitches and hoes ♫ ♫ Yeah, I said bitches, hoes ♫ ♫ Bitches and hoes don’t exist ♫ ♫ Because the hoes know Bo’s a feminist ♫ ♫ Bitches and hoes don’t exist ♫ ♫ Because the hoes know Bo’s a feminist ♫ ♫ So take your bras and burn ’em ♫ ♫ You can let me burn ’em ♫ ♫ Take off your bras and burn ’em ♫ ♫ Oh, you can let Bo Burnham burn ’em ♫ ♫ Take your bras and burn ’em ♫ (cheers and applause) ♫ You can let me burn ’em ♫ ♫ Take off your bras and burn ’em ♫ ♫ Burn ’em, you can let Bo Burnham burn ’em ♫ (Cheers and applause) What the f*ck? (Laughter) Let us pray. Don’t feel like you can’t participate, by the way, if you’re not Christian, ’cause this is a prayer for all faiths, so… Dear Jesus of Nazareth… (Laughter) First of all, I’d like to thank you for calling yourself Jesus of Nazareth. It’s sort of like the lord of the rings or something. “I am Jesus of Nazareth, son of Orflek, the butcher.” We know, lord, that you so loved the world from John 3:16, You so loved the world that you sent your only son To die for us, your only son, but at the same time, We’re all your children, so in your eyes, We’re a bunch of girls. (Laughter) So help us as we struggle With the temptations of lesbianism, amen. I, uh… People come to me all the time– all the time, they say the same thing, you know, “Bo, you’re an artist. How do we fix Africa?” (Laughter) I read recently that there are over 22 million people living with HIV aids in Sub-Saharan Africa. Yeah. It was a snapple fact. How do we fix it? How do we fix it? This. Because laughter… Laughter is the best medicine, you know, besides medicine. You guys like impressions? (Cheers and applause) (Clears throat) why? That was Socrates. We’ve done a lot of laughing– lot of laughing. Great for a comedy show. Hey, break the fourth wall. Ma’am. Fifth wall–ma’am at home. We’ve done a lot of– we’ve done a lot of laughing. But we haven’t done a lot of thinking. And I’d like to do that now, and what better to stop comic inertia than a little bit of poetic friction? I’ve written some haikus. Haikus are Japanese poems consisting of 17 syllables, 3 Lines, 5, 7, 5. I find them to have a certain clearness in their cogency, sort of a soundness in their simplicity, if you will. So what we’ll do now hopefully is read these haikus, think for a little bit, and then we’ll go back to the jokes and the laughing and we’ll have benefited from the time we took to think. So if could just, you know, put up with these, think for a bit, hopefully, and then we’ll go back to the jokes, but these are my haikus. I saw a rainbow on the day my grandma died. F*cking lesbian. (Triangle dings, laughter) For 15 cents a day, you can feed an African. They eat pennies. (Triangle dings, laughter) Old people’s skin sags because it is being pulled towards the underworld. (Triangle dings, laughter) missed that. A kid insulted my mother so I said, “Your mama is so black!” (Triangle dings, laughter) “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Said the rapist. (Triangle dings, laughter) My aunt used to say, “slow and steady wins the race.” She died in a fire. (Triangle dings, laughter) Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones or masturbate in the daytime. (Triangle dings, laughter) It’s true. Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person. (Triangle dings, laughter) And finally… Bono, if you wanna help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you c*nt. (Triangle dings, cheers and applause) Thank you, this next piece– this next piece is called “sonnet 155” or “if Shakespeare had written a porn.” And it goes like this. I saw the morning dew betwixt thine thighs As I removed my source of Grecian power. As if king Midas dared to touch the skies, Upon thy body fell a golden shower. (Audience groans) Thy body’s temple’s two church bells had rung. Upon thy chest, a roll of pearls bestowed. The sun had set, thy set with weary hung. I thought, how black a night, and blew a load. (Audience groans) I said what light through yonder beaver breaks? It is the yeast. (Audience groans, scattered cheering) And now my belly’s yellow. My pole gives cause to storms and earthy quakes, But ’tis not massive, I am no Othello. And when that final moment came to pass, Like Christ, I came a-riding on an ass. Thank you very much. (Cheers and applause) Thank you, William Shakespeare… William Shakespeare was a verbal contortionist. He can bend his words the way a contortionist bends his frame, and I would hope that he could with a name like William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare– some of you seem lost. Look, say your name was Robert Frost, and you couldn’t write, that would suck. Well, I guess you could always go as Bobby Frost and own an ice cream truck. He was balanced like a simile and could stack metaphor five, six at a time and rhyme into the very last line of a soliloquy which finally said outright what the previous 77 we’re only hinting at. He had puns and quips and tons of trips with sons with ships, with nuns with hips and buns and lips, but I have something that Shakespeare never had. Penicillin. (Laughter) See, it hadn’t been invented yet. Back then, they only had quillicillin, hey-oh! Sorry, it’s not that hard, bard. I’m sorry, I got a bone to pick with you, William. So if you could just listen up here and listen to this theater queer’s theater query here and maybe act like a real artist for once in your life. Say Van Gogh and, “lend me your ear.” You’re not a writer. You’re a writer like Hulk Hogan’s a street fighter. You write these dramas, you accumulate your wealth, you hold nature as t’were mirror of yourself. Just ’cause you’re messed up doesn’t mean we are, too. Just ’cause you wanna bang your mom doesn’t mean that Danish princes do. What? Who? Hamlet, Shakespeare. Yeah, that’s right. The young prince whose father died at the hands of his uncle with whom his mother lied. Sound familiar? It’s the f*cking “Lion King”! (Laughter and applause) You stole from a Disney movie, you androgynous douche. What’s next, the story of a French king on a quest to find his lost son Nemo? (Laughter) Oh, and by the way, poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f*cking sense make. (Laughter) “To be or not to be?” That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them, to die… To sleep no more, and by a sleep, to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. ‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream. Aye, there’s the rub, for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil? Must give us pause. (Scoffs) like, what? (Laughter) This next song is about quantum mechanics. This next song– (Laughter) I was raised very well, you know, like a field of corn. I was also raised very Christian, like the children of the corn. And Christians get angry at me, they do, because I say things like, “Why the long nose, pope-nocchio?” They think I’ll gonna go to hell. Truth is, I’ve been to Christian hell, and I wrote a song about it. ♫ Hitler was there, and so were all the Jews ♫ ♫ Yeah, so it got a little awkward ♫ (Laughter) I was surrounded by Catholicism at a young age and I was also in a garage band for 20 minutes. This is the product of that. Hit it. (Electronic music plays) (Laughter) (Violin riff plays) (Cheers and applause) ♫ All the seats at the Sunday mass is ♫ ♫ Filled with the masses’ mass of asses ♫ ♫ Classes pass as fast as molasses ♫ ♫ Ceremonial reading glasses ♫ ♫ Read a little bit of Leviticus ♫ ♫ All the kids are a little too little for this ♫ ♫ All the parents nod in agreement ♫ ♫ “I think I can vaguely see what he meant” ♫ ♫ It’s too early in the morning glory ♫ ♫ To read another allegory story ♫ ♫ The father reads a little bit farther ♫ ♫ Assuring the assured that they need not bother ♫ ♫ When god, in verse 45 ♫ ♫ Said that slaves are okay to buy ♫ ♫ He meant that people all from the start ♫ ♫ Each have slaves within their hearts ♫ ♫ Things that we have sold or bought ♫ ♫ And then are forced to pick our moral cotton ♫ ♫ God calls us to set these free ♫ ♫ Free our hearts from slavery ♫ ♫ And then as god goes on to explain ♫ ♫ The logistics of buying and selling slaves ♫ (Music stops) He was messin’ around. He’s–he– Jesus is sort of like– (Music continues) ♫ In the back, I sit and I nod ♫ ♫ To the beats that are bumpin’ from my iPod ♫ ♫ My god, they’re starting to pray ♫ ♫ And over the music, I can hear them say ♫ ♫ Dear god, dear lord ♫ ♫ Dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword ♫ ♫ Dear good all-seeing being ♫ ♫ My way or the highway Yahweh ♫ ♫ The blue-balled anti-masturbator ♫ ♫ The great all-loving faggot hater ♫ ♫ I like to thank your holy might ♫ ♫ For making me both rich and white ♫ ♫ And though this is your day of rest ♫ ♫ I come to you with one request ♫ ♫ There’s so much pain beyond this steeple ♫ ♫ Wars and drugs and homeless people ♫ ♫ Sadness where there should be joy ♫ ♫ Hate and rape and soulja boy ♫ ♫ A world in darkness needs your light ♫ ♫ So I’m sure your schedule’s pretty tight ♫ But my dog just had leg surgery. If you could fix that first? Jesus? ♫ Debra messing’s fingers in a holy place ♫ ♫ Hail Mary full of grace ♫ ♫ Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope? ♫ ♫ I know a couple dudes who want to elope ♫ ♫ See, the church said nope, so the bros can’t cope ♫ ♫ Bros can grope, but the bros can’t cope ♫ ♫ They’ve been in love and they’ve been addicted ♫ ♫ Who said they shouldn’t? Benedict did ♫ ♫ ‘Cause in the holy land of the lord ♫ ♫ He’s the holy landlord and dicks are evicted ♫ ♫ ‘Cause you can be a benedict ♫ ♫ If you bend a dick under benedict ♫ ♫ But you can’t have benedicts ♫ ♫ Because there’s only one pope with only one dick, what? ♫ ♫ Yeah, a dick on a pope is ♫ ♫ Just like a soap on rope ♫ ♫ ‘Cause it’s pointless unless in prison ♫ ♫ Throw up your bibles, Christ has risen ♫ ♫ Hallelujah, now it’s raining men ♫ ♫ Because the gender ratio’s one-to-ten ♫ ♫ Winos at the eucharist station ♫ ♫ Transgendered substantiation ♫ ♫ Jesus wasn’t the messiah, get back ♫ ♫ I’m a heretic, and I’m on fire ♫ ♫ It was Oedipus, those holy knights ♫ ♫ The holy mother f*ckin’ Christ ♫ ♫ I’m a blasphemer post-Katrina cruisin’ the marina ♫ ♫ On a crusade to cruise aids and blast fema ♫ ♫ You’re too late, we’re f*cked, we don’t need you, amen ♫ ♫ In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost ♫ ♫ Head, shoulders, knees and toes ♫ ♫ Turn up your nose, strike that pose ♫ ♫ Hey macarena ♫ (Record scratch, cheers and applause) I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those sort of worked out. I’d like to try to do both, though now in a bit that I call “theoretical dick jokes.” Goes like this. (Laughter) My penis is so small I often have trouble finding it because it’s so gratefully influenced by quantum mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space-time. And when I’m having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my penis is or how fast it’s moving ’cause it’s small enough and light enough to be fully governed by the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. I’ve got an eating disorder. Yeah, more like nutritional entropy. So… (Light laughter) Never said I was funny, okay? So stop staring at me. Segues are weird. How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy, like, 12? I have a cousin who is 18, yeah. Still believes in gay marriage. It’s like… (Laughter) I know what you guys are thinking– “Oh, Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects. You know, “is there anything off-limits, anything you don’t find funny, anything you think is too sacred to laugh at?” And the truth is, there is. White people. (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) I think we’ve been through enough. (Laughter) I find numbers to be fascinating and more specifically than numbers, I find statistics to be particularly enlightening, thought-provoking even. I’ve gathered some here. These are all 100% true. When you leave this theater and enter the world devoid of art, you can check these, and they will come back ’cause they are true. I don’t want them to blow your mind, but maybe you’ll hear one of these and go, “Oh, my god, never thought of that.” So these are my statistics. (Clears throat) (Light laughter) Approximately 33.33% Of the Jonas Brothers have diabetes. (Laughter) One out of every four kids with the initials A.D.D. Actually has it, and four out of four kids with the initials A.D.H.D. Have an annoying, self-righteous mother who wouldn’t just shut the f*ck up and take her husband’s last name. Here’s a fun one. One of the every 44 U.S. Presidents can dunk. It’s Millard Fillmore, you racists. The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes. (Audience groans) It’s a fact! I’m not making light of it. It’s numbers. (Laughter) All right, you guys are offended by that one, you’re definitely gonna be offended by the next one. But you have to understand something– I am, too. I think this is f*cked up. .27% of all Jenga Games are played on 9/11. Now– (audience groans) It’s f*cked up! Stop playing Jenga on 9/11. Stop it. Stop it. Stop playing Jenga… (Laughter) That was awkward. This next one blew my mind. Blew my mind. And you’re not gonna believe this when you hear it. But go home, check it. I swear to god it’s true. The average person… has one fallopian tube. (Laughter) The average penis length is 5 1/2 inches. And finally, the average penis length of a man who googles “average penis length” is 3 1/2 inches. Thank you. (Cheers and applause) Yeah, Bo! Yeah, Bo! (Audience members shouting) Yeah. Thank you. I went to the movies the other day because I went to see the 20th anniversary of Schindler’s List in 3-d. (Rimshot) And I went into the girls’ bathroom to look for my camera. (Rimshot) And I saw a container that said “sanitary napkins only.” Ladies… (Drumroll) Don’t put all your eggs in one basket! That’s a joke! (Laughter and applause) (Laughter) This song– This song isn’t funny at all, but it helps me sleep at night. ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Entertainers like to seem complicated ♫ ♫ But we’re not complicated ♫ ♫ I can explain it pretty easily ♫ ♫ Have you ever been to a birthday party for children ♫ ♫ And one of the children won’t stop screaming ♫ ♫ ‘Cause he’s just a little attention-attractor ♫ ♫ When he grows up to be a comic or actor ♫ ♫ He’ll be rewarded for never maturing ♫ ♫ For never understanding or learning ♫ ♫ That every day can’t be about him ♫ ♫ There’s other people, you selfish asshole ♫ ♫ I must be psychotic, I must be demented ♫ ♫ To think that I’m worthy of all this attention ♫ ♫ Of all of this money you worked really hard for ♫ ♫ I slept in late while you worked at the drugstore ♫ ♫ My drug’s attention, I am an addict ♫ ♫ But I get paid to indulge in my habit ♫ ♫ It’s all an illusion, I’m wearing make-up ♫ ♫ I’m wearing make-up, make-up, make-up, make-up ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ So people think you’re funny ♫ ♫ How do we get those people’s money? ♫ ♫ I said art is dead ♫ ♫ We’re rolling in dough while Carlin rolls in his grave ♫ ♫ His grave ♫ ♫ His grave ♫ ♫ I said the show has got a budget ♫ ♫ The show has got a budget ♫ ♫ And all the poor people way more deserving ♫ ♫ Of the money won’t budge it ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I wanted my name in lights ♫ ♫ When I could have fed a family of four ♫ ♫ For 40 f*cking fortnights ♫ ♫ 40 F*cking fortnights ♫ ♫ I am an artist, please, god, forgive me ♫ ♫ I am an artist, please, don’t revere me ♫ ♫ I am an artist, please, don’t respect me ♫ ♫ I am an artist, feel free to correct me ♫ ♫ A self-centered artist, self-obsessed artist ♫ ♫ I am an artist, I am an artist ♫ ♫ But I’m just a kid, I’m just a kid ♫ ♫ I’m just a kid, kid, and maybe I’ll grow out of it ♫ (Cheers and applause) Old comics– older comics from, like, the ’80s and the ’70s, they think that my act is hacky because it relies on music and other things, and they’re such comedy purists, and they don’t think my comedy can stand on its own, Which isn’t true because, right, I am a comedy purist at heart, and I can do comedy without the gimmicks. And it can still be good. I’ll show you that right now. What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names. (Laughter and applause) I’m not a traditional stand-up, um, but I’d like to be. I love traditional stand-up comedy, and a lot of my heroes are traditional stand-up comics, and I’ve been watching a lot of it, and I think I’ve sort of figured out the trick to it. So I’ll give you my traditional stand-up act now. It’s in its infancy so please be gentle. Uh… My wife, right? (Laughter) We never have sex, like, ever, which is funny. Something else is I never know what she’s saying. You know, she’ll say something, and I’ll be, like… something else is, she’s, like, constantly emasculating me, and I’m making her resent herself for getting older, so we’re looking into a divorce, which is funny. Something else is she can’t drive. The only thing she can drive is drive me crazy! You know, when she back-talks, I hit her. (Laughter) I hope you all enjoyed the show. Thank you so much for coming, and if you didn’t, you know… When life gets you down… Make a comforter. (Laughter) I feel like hip-hop… Used to be a voice for the voiceless, you know? And now it’s become, at least in the mainstream, a symbol of misogyny… Gay panic… Fiscal irresponsibility, you know? So I figure… If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. ♫ Hittin’ the club up V.I.P. ♫ ♫ I’ve got a fake mustache and a fake I.D. ♫ ♫ I look like wooly willy with a really wooly willy ♫ ♫ And I bypass the bouncer ♫ ♫ Pass by an ex, and I flex and bounce her, wowser ♫ ♫ Look at all of Bo’s hoes ♫ ♫ Looking for a ride on Bo’s hose ♫ ♫ And I spot a little Latino ♫ ♫ Booty so big, call it Oprah’s ego ♫ ♫ We go do it through it ♫ ♫ She says, “dios mio, mi amigo” ♫ ♫ When we were done, she said, “heh, imma aya” ♫ ♫ Swallow, bitch, there’s people starvin’ in Africa ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make the single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were gay, though I swear I’m straight ♫ ♫ I’d make the fellas say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ I said, oh, Bo ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ You’re an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top ♫ ♫ But careful, cherry, ’cause I’m the king of pop ♫ ♫ Pop, pop goes the weasel ♫ ♫ Have you lookin’ like Jackson Pollack’s easel ♫ ♫ Yeah, my suggestion is ♫ ♫ You don’t blow till you know what congestion is ♫ ♫ Swallow when you know what digestion is ♫ ♫ Follow Bo, the only question is ♫ ♫ Have you been splattered before ♫ ♫ By the mad hatter matador ♫ ♫ Cake batter nevermore ♫ ♫ It don’t matter whether you’re ♫ ♫ Spanish, French, Swedish, or Cambodian ♫ ♫ I’ll slime you so hard you could be on nickelodeon ♫ (Cheers and applause) ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make the single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were gay ♫ ♫ Though I swear I’m straight ♫ ♫ I’d make the fellas say ♫ (Scattered shouting) ♫ Oh, Bo, I said, oh, Bo ♫ ♫ I said, oh, Bo ♫ ♫ You think that you can handle me ♫ ♫ Girl, don’t make me laugh ♫ ♫ My junk is bipolar, it’ll split you in half ♫ ♫ I said, and if you’re lucky ♫ ♫ I might just bring you home, and I’ll have you going down ♫ ♫ Like you’re growing an extra chromosome ♫ ♫ And when you love me, don’t grab me by my buns ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I got a bad case of the ru-u-ns ♫ ♫ I got the runs ♫ ♫ I got the ru-uh-uh- oh, oh ♫ ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make the single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were, oh, so that I were ♫ ♫ Yeah, and if I were ♫ (Music softens) Like to break it down for y’all. I came from the streets with nothing. (Light laughter) Now I’m making hit records. For my people still living in the streets, Still living in poverty, I wanna tell you, I’m doing this for you. My success… Is your success. And you may be thinking, “hey, if you really believe that, “Why don’t you use some of your money “To help rebuild the neighborhood Instead of putting spinning rims on a gold jetski?” (Laughter) And to that I say… Uh-oh, chorus is coming up. ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make those single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were, oh, so that I were ♫ ♫ Yeah, and if I were ♫ ♫ You got a fume like a tuna ♫ ♫ I’ll smell you later ♫ ♫ I met a fat chick and I f*cked her in an elevator ♫ ♫ It was wrong on so many levels ♫ (Laughter) ♫ ‘Cause I said it was wrong on so many levels ♫ ♫ I said it was wrong on ♫ (Cheers and applause) Oh… Okay. ♫ I don’t know if all boy scouts are gay ♫ ♫ They could probably tie the knot ♫ (cheers and applause) ♫ In like fifty different– ♫ I’m dying inside! ♫ I got a safe full of cherries ’cause I pop it and lock it ♫ ♫ A girl’s like a fridge, once a week you should stalk it ♫ ♫If your into rimmin, it’s only safe if your swimmin’ ♫ ♫ Girl, don’t sit on that couch ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I treat my objects like women ♫ ♫ I spit fire like I just blew a demon ♫ ♫ My shit’s so hot I’ll leave your toilet bowl steamin’ ♫ ♫ I’m gonna tear it like the cards of the gypsies ♫ ♫ You’ll bleed for so long you’ll get monthly ellipses ♫ ♫ If your pants are loose, I’ll replete ya ♫ ♫ You’re a first time vegan, and it’s nice to meet ya ♫ ♫ I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ ♫ I’m a real g that can really find your g spot ♫ (audience clapping to beat) ♫ Oh, yeah, you’re not a f*cking metronome ♫ (Laughter and applause) Yeah. ♫ Go to a vagina orchard, count 1, 2, 3 ♫ ♫ Spin that plant around, you got a third world country ♫ ♫ No, that’s right, consider yourself warned ♫ ♫ I’m offensive and creative like handicapped porn ♫ ♫ You’re playing with your breasts ♫ ♫ Excuse me, can I try it ma’am? ♫ ♫ Your pushin’ ’em together like a titty Venn diagram ♫ ♫ Look at that crack, excuse me can I buy a gram? ♫ ♫ Right below your diaphragm, ass looks like your hidin’ ham ♫ ♫ First base, were making out ♫ ♫ Mother f*cker, second base, I’m getting faked out, yo ♫ ♫Third base, I’m getting take-out ♫ ♫ And I try to take it home if I knew I’d take it out ♫ ♫ But I just don’t know I said I just don’t care ♫ ♫ My flow’s so cold I need a tampon from a polar bear ♫ ♫ And you can spell and smell my stink ♫ ♫ ‘Cause B.O. lingers and it makes you think ♫ ♫ I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ I’m bad at sex. Get it? (Laughter and applause) Yeah, what? ♫ ‘Cause girls are like donuts when I be bustin’ Bo nuts ♫ ♫ I can make ’em cream-filled or give them a layer of glaze ♫ ♫ I’m like Doug’s friend Skeeter whenever I meet her ♫ (Audience singing) ♫ ’cause I skeet her so hard ♫ ♫ People call her patty mayonnaise ♫ Yeah, that’s sad. (Cheers and applause) ♫ Yeah, what, uh ♫ ♫ Yeah, ’cause there’s an inverse relationship ♫ ♫ Between respect and sects ♫ ♫ I’m talking about religious sects like a Mormon sect ♫ ♫ That says you can’t have sex ♫ ♫ With members of different sects ♫ ♫ But you can’t have sex with members of the same sex ♫ ♫ The sects can’t be different, sex can’t be same ♫ ♫ The only sex left is some left-hand shame ♫ ♫ Girl, I left you ’cause you left the game ♫ ♫ And if that don’t feel right then you can write my name ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ ♫ Oh, gee ♫ (Cheers and applause) ♫ My junks so long that it hangs and swings ♫ ♫ At the nude beach people think I’m lookin’ for lost rings ♫ ♫ Play the skin flute, your big boy sings ♫ If you want to take it all wear African neck rings. ‘Cause, like, man. (Laughter) ♫ Haters call me gay, but that ain’t hatin’ ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I’m not homophobic, my morals are straight ♫ ♫ And if I’m in the closet then you are below me ♫ ♫ Takin’ the b-a-t out of “basement,” homey ♫ Spells “semen.” ♫ ‘Cause I’m Bo, yo, and I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ This song’s gonna end really awkwardly. Thank you. I’ll do one– Thank you guys so much for coming. I hope you have a great night, and you’re the best. See you, Boston! Whoa, Boston! Red sox. (Cheers and applause) Go, Mo Vaughn. (Scattered cheers) ♫ I love you like kings love queens ♫ ♫ Like a gay geneticist loves designer genes ♫ ♫ I need you like New Orleans needs a drought ♫ ♫ Like Hitler’s father needed to learn to pull out ♫ ♫ And I want you, yeah ♫ ♫ Like a lawyer/mathematician wants some kind of proof ♫ ♫ And I want you, yeah ♫ ♫ Like JFK wanted ♫ ♫ A car with a roof ♫ Is he here? ♫ Because love is taking a dive ♫ ♫ Then getting really comfortable ♫ ♫ And peeing in the pool ♫ ♫ And love is a real-life porn ♫ ♫ Minus all the stuff that makes porn cool ♫ ♫ And love is a homeless guy ♫ ♫ Searching for treasure in the middle of the rain ♫ ♫ And finding a bag of gold coins ♫ ♫ And slowly finding out they’re all filled with chocolate ♫ ♫ And even though he’s heartbroken ♫ ♫ He can’t complain ’cause he was hungry in the first place ♫ ♫ I love you like Dora loves maps ♫ ♫ Like the pope’s toilet loves holy craps ♫ ♫ I need you like a voyeur needs a branch ♫ ♫ Like boys tossing salad ♫ ♫ Needs a little bit of neverland ranch ♫ I wrote it before! I’m fine. ♫ And I want you, yeah ♫ ♫ Like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same ♫ ♫ Never want to conform, what? ♫ ♫ And I want you like Anne Frank wanted ♫ Nobody to read her f*cking diary. (Cheers and applause) ♫ ‘Cause a diary’s a collection of secret things ♫ ♫ No one’s supposed to read ♫ ♫ That’s the whole point of a diary ♫ ♫ Millions of people have breached ♫ ♫ This little girl’s privacy after she was chased by Nazis ♫ ♫ Kick her while she’s down ♫ ♫ And if we met in 10,000 BC ♫ ♫ I was your caveman, you was my cavelady ♫ ♫ If we got hot, we’d start a-rubbing ♫ ♫ If we got hungry, we’d go clubbing ♫ ♫ There’s woolly mammoths, but I will protect us ♫ ♫ You’re making me devolve to a homo erectus ♫ Yeah, hominid tree. ♫ And if we met in 1780 ♫ ♫ I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner ♫ ♫ And you were my dark-skinned servant lady slave ♫ ♫ Whenever I could get away from the missus ♫ ♫ I’d go to your shed, and then I’d steal you kisses ♫ ♫ But let’s be serious ♫ ♫ I’d still work you full-time as a slave ♫ ♫ There’s a difference between romantic language ♫ ♫ And complete disregard for socio-economic trends ♫ ♫ So if we met in 1941 ♫ ♫ I was a Nazi, you’s a gypsy on the run ♫ ♫ That’s a little redundant ♫ ♫ That ♫ ♫ Probably wouldn’t have worked out, okay ♫ ♫ Yeah, because love is your favorite food ♫ ♫ For every breakfast, lunch, and dinner ♫ ♫ And love is the holocaust if you don’t die quick ♫ ♫ And you don’t get thinner ♫ ♫ And love is being the owner of the company ♫ ♫ That makes rape whistles, and even though ♫ ♫ You started the company with good intentions ♫ ♫ Trying to reduce the rate of rape ♫ ♫ Now you don’t want to reduce it at all ♫ ♫ ‘Cause if the rape rate declines, ♫ ♫ You’ll see an equal decline in whistle sales ♫ ♫ Yeah, without a rapist who’s gonna buy your whistle? ♫ ♫ Because love is ♫ ♫ Love is all about whistles ♫ (Cheers and applause) |
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