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Can you think of a joke that relates to priest wife that you could tell me?

Sex with the priest's wife Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves dollar ransom?

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to change lightbulb that you could tell me?

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb? Tell him Obama put it in

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with ellen pao?

Ellen Pao's career None

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about bag stolen that you could tell me?

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell. It was a brief case.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves wife yells.

A wife yells at her husband Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about clinic chinese that you could tell me?

Chinese doctor opens his new clinic. A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around weasel pop should do the trick.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with brothers age?

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with catholic ladies?

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to donated watch? Do you have one?

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about friends facebook with me?

Why do reddit users hate facebook? Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to vaxxers measles?

Only anti-vaxxers will get this... Measles

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to son ceo?

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “OK.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “OK.” I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “OK.” This is how politics works. edit: Keep yourselves informed: https://www.battleforthenet.com/ [I've removed the other edits because, at +30k points, who cares what haters think?]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to cheating husband?

A lady who is cheating on her husband There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says "what are you doing?" She says "I'm making you white like a statue. Just stand in a pose, my husband will never know you're real, because he's stupid!" Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her "what's that?" She says "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much that she took me to get one." He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the living room still posed, too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat." *Edit: Fixed some of the grammatical errors- sorry its not much better- i'm tired. **Wow, did not expect this to get so much attention! Thanks for the upvotes!!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to sparticus cannibal? Do you have one?

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about pope slapped?

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!" Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope slapped him

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around wishes genie?

Genie: You have 3 wishes. Genie: You have 3 wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ........

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves sex cousin.

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin? [Twice removed]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about greatest boob?

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Now it’s your turn to speak.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to prostitute panda that you could tell me?

Panda and a Prostitute A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?" The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. ' The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.' The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to doing closet?

Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about gets gilded that you could tell me?

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me. EDIT: That great feeling when a comment gets gilded but not the post... Makes the saying, *The joke is always in the comment* SO true.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with logic jim?

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers. Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about wearing crocs?

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy, It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay. Edit: guys it's a joke not a dick don't take it so hard

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to spider?

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around drunk tiger should do the trick.

A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to lent umbrella?

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday. That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves heard logan?

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest A little upset to find out he came back

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to mom fat? Do you have one?

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"... O B C D...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about asparagus funny. Do you have any good ones?

The word asparagus is funny. It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus. I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves nurses heaven?

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about change lightbulb that you could tell me?

How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They only *talk* about change.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about scared postman. Do you have any good ones?

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves killed bartender?

A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him? The Bartender

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves allowed airline?

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to robbers jumped?

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about priest child that you could tell me?

NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about canadians pool?

How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "Please get out of the pool."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to klux klan. Do you have one?

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them? Because they don't have access to black magic.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to popular nsfw? Do you have one?

I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best. I can’t believe what this world is coming to. Edit: In true Reddit spirit your comments are taking this joke to places I never expected. Thanks for a fun afternoon.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to trump borrows? Do you have one?

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to wife wakes. Do you have one?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says... "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to flying pig?

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig. The F

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with comedian laughing?

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian... Nobody's laughing now.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with girl kissed?

Today a girl kissed me I wish I could post it in another subreddit

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves plane doctor?

On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with scans condoms?

Cashier: Scans Condoms “Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves french swear?

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word... ...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to overthrowing capitalism?

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution Could this be a red flag?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about father iraq with me?

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about panties cowboy?

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman… He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to scotsman englishman? Do you have one?

Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around pregnant stacy should do the trick.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... Dear Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to colored printer?

A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with niece phone?

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book... She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about pregnant doctor. Do you have any good ones?

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves 10 bartender.

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer. The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please." Edit: typo Edit 2: Wow, this got more attention than I expected. Thanks everybody!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves ostrich waitress?

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?" "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy. "Me too," says the ostrich. The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62." Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with difference ea?

What's the difference between EA and North Korea? North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves anal sex?

For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex. Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to lumberjack laughed?

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to tuck?

My mother used to tuck me in every night She always wanted a girl :(

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with atheist dies?

An atheist dies and goes to hell. The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way" edit: fucked up punchline, thanks to u/Tjurit for pointing out

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to divorcing?

I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear... I just really love dick.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves work mondays?

A guy takes up a new job. On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’ So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’ The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’ The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around pterodactyl pee?

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because they're dead

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to sex jimmy? Do you have one?

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities... "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to joke jewish?

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke. Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves twins?

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with screw lightbulb?

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to change lightbulb? Do you have one?

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb? You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about axe scent?

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about success like?

Success is like pregnancy. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about graft buttocks. Do you have any good ones?

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family? Arse skin for a friend.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about mate shouted. Do you have any good ones?

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. “How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to batman wear. Do you have one?

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to elsa doctor?

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to porn stars?

Three porn stars were getting drunk And they started bragging to each other about their exploits Porn star 1 said: “Girls, I’m easily the biggest whore in this bar. One time I fucked a soccer team. The whole team! Including the towel boy. And I did it by sneaking into the locker room, getting naked, and then just waiting for the game to end.” Porn star 2 then said: “Pshhh! You’re a nerdy teenager compared to me. I fucked an entire fraternity when I was in college. Even the pledges. And I did it by just walking up, knocking on the front door, and asking who was ready for some fun.” Porn star 1 was taken aback... but porn star 3 didn’t even blink. She just said “girls, compared to me, you two may as well be a couple of catholic nuns. Wasn’t long ago that I fucked every man, woman, and child in these here United States. And I did it by signing a non disclosure agreement during an election year.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to happy mothers? Do you have one?

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom. Happy Mothers' Day!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves 000 blondes.

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to wife breastfeeding?

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it Edit: wow this blew up! thanks for the gold!!!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves called radiator?

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs." It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about trump jokes?

The problem with Trump jokes: Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with handing baby?

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to morse code? Do you have one?

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about scariest guy?

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? Cause you know he is actually guilty.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to penis extension?

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just can't take it any longer.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to chicken homeless that you could tell me?

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?” Me: “John” Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have.” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?” Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around races cars?

Her: What do you do? Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves hit dolphin?

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about daughter drink with me?

I took my daughter out for her first drink... While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!! ~ ~ *[edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger.]*

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to remember blood?

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around felt breasts?

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” “Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about nazis friends with me?

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis... 0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to texas cowboy?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to wear condom? Do you have one?

When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex. He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about thermos tat?

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo! Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to microsoft support?

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day. Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I think it's already on.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about word tragedy with me?

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes