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Title: Struggling Biden Campaign Now Offering One Month Of Free AOL For Rally Attendance U.S. - Joe Biden's campaign is struggling to motivate younger voters, but he has a plan: offering free AOL trials to anyone who shows up to his rallies. "Come on by, say hi to uncle Joe, and grab one of our free AOL CDs," Biden says in an ad for his campaign tour. "You know, the great thing about AOL is that you get so many hours of internets. Only squares use Compuserve, Prodigy, or MSN. We're keen on America Online!" The campaign has warned that it's first come, first served, so you'd better hurry if you want to experience the lightning-fast speeds of AOL's 56K dial-up service. "I love America Online," Biden continued as he booted up his Windows 98 PC. "Every time I hear that grinding, beeping sound while trying to get on the internet, I just know that I'm about to experience the world wide web at a rate of one web page per hour."  His wife then screamed at him to get off the computer as she was expecting a call. "Well, I'd better go," Biden said, chuckling. "But remember, for the fastest interwebs in town, come see Uncle Joe. You won't regret it -- probably." Rally attendees will receive their choice of a CD or 3.5" floppy disk good for a free trial of AOL dial-up service. Joe will then say hi and shake their hands "and maybe more if you're lucky."

satire

Title: Bernie Sanders Frustrated With Having To Ask For Money Instead Of Just Taking It U.S. - The campaign trail is reportedly taking a toll on Bernie Sanders. The main thing that seems to be wearing him out is the extremely foreign concept of having to convince people to voluntarily hand over money. "This just feels so wrong," Sanders told staffers. "If you know you really have a good idea how to spend that money, you just take that money from people under threat of imprisonment. Having to convince people to voluntarily hand over money just feels too much like capitalism." Initially, to get people to give him money, Sanders would just grab people by the collar and shake them, yelling, "Give me your money!" When this didn't work, Sanders had to change his tactics to a kinder, more sensitive approach, asking for donations. "The incentive of money made me change my behavior from what I wanted to do to what other people want," Sanders said. "I feel so dirty!" Reportedly, to calm down after a long day of having to convince people to voluntarily do things, Sanders likes to relax by playing with some stuffed animals he can control and make all the plans for.

satire

Title: Vote For Bloomberg! This Article Was Definitely Not Paid For By Mike Bloomberg (He’s The Best) We are proud to announce that we are placing all of our support behind Mike Bloomberg for president in the 2020 election. He's the only candidate that can save our country and look cool while doing it!Sure, he'll hand out pallets of cash to anyone that so much as looks in his general direction, but we're not influenced by that. We respect a man of his stature and frankly, all the other candidates come up short in comparison. Truly we couldn't care less about him paying off our mortgages and buying us an Olympic-sized pool -- that's just what pals like Ol' Mike do.We polled everyone on staff and they all said that they wanted a candidate they could look up to. Someone whose economic policies definitely wouldn't end record-breaking employment tnumbers or cause our stocks to go down. And we are sick and tired of being able to defend ourselves and our families in this sick 2nd amendment-loving, free country. So that's why we need Mike Bloomberg (May he live forever) to come and take all of our scary and evil guns away.In fact, we used to think that Trump is cool because he had all that money, but whoa, were we wrong. Bloomberg has way more money than that peasant Donald Trump. And with that much money, he must be really smart and right about everything. He couldn't possibly be that rich and wrong!Again, we are in no way sponsored by Mike Bloomberg (May all his enemies crumble). But in other news, we are considering changing our name to the Bloomberg Bee. We just love him that much!- Sent from the new Babylon Bee private jet gifted from our pal Mike.

satire

Title: Woman Achieves Immortality After Falling Into Vat Of Essential Oils LEHI, UT - While touring the Young Living essential oils factory, local woman Karen Nicolle fell into a vat of essential oils, granting herself immortality. She emerged from the surface of the oils, her eyes glowing as her body achieved full immortality. She also smelled of lavender and primrose. "Foolish mortals!" she cried as she surfaced from the potent blend of essential oils. "I have peered into eternity and beheld the depths of the universe. I have seen nebulae spiraling off the edges of galaxies light-years away. I have straddled the stars and peered into the face of God. I know all things, past, present, and future. I have seen the starlight glinting off the primordial ooze of ancient eons past, approximately 6,000 years ago." "Plus, my skin feels amazing." Sadly, the oils still don't seem to be working on her lower back pain.

satire

Title: Bloomberg Gives A Billion Dollars To Bernie Sanders Causing Him To Destroy Self DURHAM, NC - Billionaire Michael Bloomberg came up with a genius plan to destroy Democratic rival Bernie Sanders: give him a billion dollars.  Bloomberg waited in a Sanders campaign office ahead of the socialist's next rally and leaped out as soon as Sanders walked in, handing over a briefcase full of cash before Sanders knew what was happening. As soon as the money was handed over, the time-space paradox of Bernie Sanders now being a billionaire caused him to explode. "I'm a billionaire? Billionaires shouldn't exist. I SHOULDN'T EXIST!" Bernie screamed as he burst into flames. "Noooooooo!!!" "All I wanted was to eeeeaaat theeeee riiiiiich," he groaned as he disappeared from existence. He was burnt to a crisp, melting to the floor like a Nazi opening the Ark of the Covenant, though more Communisty. It was unclear what would become of the billion dollars. Sanders did not reportedly have a will leaving his assets to charity since he was unfamiliar with the concept of being generous with his own money.

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Title: Woman Donates Last Dollar To Warren Campaign In Final Bad Financial Decision PORTSMOUTH, NH - Kymberly Brady, whose bank account was completely empty, realized she only had one dollar left in her wallet when she was at an Elizabeth Warren campaign event. "But I was just so inspired by her words," said Brady, who often made rash decisions based on emotion. "I really felt like she could get rid of my debt and turn everything around for me." Thus she made her last bad financial decision, which left her completely broke, by donating that dollar to Elizabeth Warren. Brady is yet another victim of the great but not super-duper extra great economy and especially of her own decisions, picking up a ton of student debt in a major for which there aren't any jobs. She has barely managed to subsist after college thanks to her low pay and also thanks to living in a place that is well out of her price range and constantly indulging in things like $30 avocado toast delivered through GrubHub because she "deserved it." All of this has now culminated in her final dollar ending up in the failing presidential campaign of Elizabeth Warren to support Warren's completely unworkable plans that would never pass Congress in the extremely unlikely event that Warren ever became president. Warren seemed surprised by the dollar. "That's all you have?" Warren said before snatching it. Brady then tried to hug Warren, but Warren's handlers yelled, "No touching!" "I really feel like things are going to turn around now," said Brady after the event, though she then realized she had no way to get home. Eventually, she decided she could just put Uber on a credit card.

satire

Title: Song Of Solomon Sweetheart Candies Now Available U.S. - Everyone knows that the best way to show your love to your significant other is to hand them a heart candy with words on it. Now even Christians can partake in this beloved Valentine's Day tradition with these new candies emblazoned with messages straight from Song of Solomon. "Your spouse will swoon upon reading that her teeth are like a flock of sheep or that her nose is like a giant tower," said the CEO of Solomonhearts, David Meyers. "It's a foolproof way to let her know how beautiful she is and how much you love her." "Note: not actually foolproof and we do not guarantee any swooning." Messages include touching, romantic poetry like the following: The candies will only be sold to those with a valid marriage certificate so as to avoid encouraging fornication.

satire

Title: Outraged Mob Runs Andrew Yang Out Of Primary After He Suggests Politics Could Use More Civility U.S. - Andrew Yang seemed like a reasonable candidate for the Democrats -- but he may have been a little too reasonable. Yang suggested that politics could use more civility, causing an outraged mob of activists to chase him out of the primaries and vow to take him down. The tech candidate's extreme positions of optimism, compromise, civility, and moderation were sufficient for his fellow Democrats to identify him as a Nazi, and he was forced to flee for his life. "How dare you suggest we need more civility!" one woman screamed through a megaphone as Yang scrambled over a fence to escape down an alleyway. "Do you know who else was civil? ADOLF HILTER!" The tech entrepreneur was forced to use parkour to jump over pallets and swing from fire escapes to avoid death by pitchfork. He was also seen skitchin' away, desperately clinging to the bumper of a Tesla. Finally, Yang was able to lose them after throwing bundles of cash to distract them.

satire

Title: Female Runner Not Feeling Great About Her Chances Against The Girl With The Beard HARTFORD, CT - Local high school track runner Vanessa Vogel was excited for her track meet this past weekend, having trained many months for her shot at a record and possibly a college scholarship. But when Vogel lined up and saw a brave runner with a beard from a nearby high school, she started to doubt her ability to compete. "You know, I have a bad feeling about this," she muttered as she lined up for the 800-meter dash. "I'm just not sure I can take this girl." Sure enough, she was blown out despite setting her personal best. "I just don't know if that was entirely fair," she commented afterward. "I'm all for equality and stuff, but I dunno -- the beard might have given her an advantage." Vogel has been suspended pending an investigation into her bigotry.

satire

Title: Scholars Now Believe Jesus Called Pharisees 'Dog-Faced Pony Soldiers' ISRAEL - Jesus was the master of dissing his theological foes, from calling the Pharisees a "brood of vipers" to telling the moneychangers in the temple that they had turned God's house into a "den of thieves."  But textual scholars have discovered a new insult Jesus slung at the religious leaders of the day: "dog-faced pony soldiers." According to researchers, the Messiah slammed the Pharisees for their hypocrisy and self-righteousness after they confronted him with their questions, declaring, "You're a dog-faced pony soldier!" and then challenging them to a push-up contest. "Let's go, me and you, right now." Jesus, of course, won the push-up contest with ease, as he holds the universe together by the mere force of his will. At publishing time, scholars also confirmed Jesus bravely confronted gluttons by shouting out, "Listen, fat!"

satire

Title: Netflix Hires Racists And Pulls Any Episodes They Laugh At LOS GATOS, CA - Netflix has hired three racist men to watch old TV shows so that the streaming service can remove any old TV shows that they find funny. The men,  Bubba, Brett, and Buddy, are all avowed racists and white supremacists. Each day, Netflix has them marathon old episodes of classic TV shows and monitors whatever they think is really funny. "Hey, take a look at this here Dwight fella -- he shore is hilarious!" said one of the racists as Dwight Schrute appeared in an old episode of The Office, nearly bringing in a friend to appear in blackface. "Let's watch more of The Office! The writers of this show really get me, ya hear?" They also loved one episode of Community where a character was covered in dark paint in order to cosplay as a dark elf from Dungeons & Dragons' Forgotten Realms setting. "Yes! Racism! We love this stuff!" they cried, rolling with laughter. A Netflix representative took some notes down and the episode was quickly pulled. The racists did not laugh at any of Netflix's original content, which they said had too many diverse characters and way too much LGBT representation. "Not funny at all -- would not watch again," they said of Queer Eye. "Way too much diversity! Boo! Boo!"

satire

Title: 'Kids Are A Blessing,' Says Man Who Complains About Them Often PLYMOUTH, MI - According to sources close to local father Bryan Roper, the father of three always tells fellow Christians how much of a blessing from God his kids are -- the very same kids he complains about "literally all the time." The man firmly believes that children are one of life's greatest joys, though he often complains to his spouse, co-workers, and fellow believers about how much his kids get on his nerves. "Kids are such a blessing - ugh, Aiden left his freaking baseball glove out again," Roper told reporters. "AIDEN, COME PICK YOUR FREAKING GLOVE UP! AIDEN! AIDEN! This kid never listens to me. AIDEN! AIDEN! AIDEN!" Once the glove had been retrieved, Roper continued: "Anyway, as I was saying, children are a gift from God. Count your blessings and cherish every moment, because before you know it, they're gone." Roper then "blew his top" when he saw the children had erased his Link's Awakening save file again just before he got to the Wind Fish's Egg. The man also doesn't understand why he has to tell his kids fourteen times before they obey him, though he himself has to read the same Bible passage over 100 times before he begins to begrudgingly obey God.

satire

Title: Podcast: Real Housewives Of The Babylon Bee This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast for the week of 2/12/2020.  Listen to this episode on our podcast page or subscribe using your favorite podcast platform here.  In this special Valentine's episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann, creative director Ethan Nicolle, and producer Dan welcome their wives onto the show: Destiny, Jessica, and Chandra.  This episode was recorded on Kyle and Destiny's wedding anniversary, Ethan and Jessica's first date anniversary, and Dan and Chandra's awkward texting anniversary. Love is in the air on this special episode of the Babylon Bee podcast as they tackle the week's biggest stories. In the subscriber portion, the couples face off in The Dating Game, where the rules are entirely too vague for Kyle's finely tuned gaming palate, but everyone still has a fun time! Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Show Outline Introduction - Kyle, Ethan, and Dan introduce their better halves and give them permission to speak. We then dive into the stories of the week. Story 1 - AOC: 'You Cannot Literally Wrap Your Head Around Something, You Would Get Hurt' AOC immediately fulfilled our boomer meme with comments about bootstraps and shoelaces.  Other idioms AOC will attack? What do the ladies think about AOC?  Story 2 - Garnier Fructis Introduces The Biden Collection Biden recently told a woman in New Hampshire that she was lying about being to a caucus and called her a "Lying Dog-Faced Pony Soldier".  Destiny informs the men how to pronounce Garnier. Story 3 - Woman Advertising 5 Different MLMs On Back Of Minivan Must Be Extremely Rich, Successful The women discuss their favorite MLM schemes and products and we question why there is a culture in the church that seems to replace fellowship with marketing Story 4 - Man Shows Sacrificial, Christlike Love For Wife By Throwing Socks In General Direction Of Laundry Basket  We learn disgusting truths about the guys from the wives. Story 5 -  'The Milk Is Nowhere To Be Found,' Reports Husband Staring Directly At Jug Of Milk The struggle is real. Topic of the Week -  For Valentine's Day, the gang discusses their stories, how God brought each couple together, funny things that happened on first dates, and how the romantic-at-heart Ethan is upstaging other men in the love department. Hate Mail/ Feedback - We get an email from someone who can't believe Christians would lie and deceive their elderly mother about something Bernie Sanders would say. Paid-subscriber portion (Starts at 01:10:43) Dating game If your spouse could go anywhere for a free vacation for a week, where would they go? What's their favorite book of the Bible? What adjective best describes your spouse's family? Your spouse wins the lottery. What is their first big purchase? Spouse's most annoying habit? Who is the better driver? Our totally qualified marriage and parenting advice. Become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

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Title: Biden Giving Up On Primary To Focus On Secondary U.S. - After disastrous fourth- and fifth-place showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Joe Biden is considering a complete change in strategy. "This primary is pure malarkey," Biden told reporters, using the harshest language he knows. "We're no longer even participating in it. Instead, we're going to sweep the secondary." The secondary is the backup to the primary, the election process that's used when the primary completely fails, such as if the primary selects a 500-year-old socialist thanks to the enthusiasm of young people and other idiots. Biden hopes to appeal to secondary voters with his relative centrism and how he appears slightly less likely to just keel over and die. Biden isn't the only candidate looking to the secondary, though. Mike Bloomberg, thanks to his wealth, is also pouring money into competing in the secondary, with ads everywhere promoting himself and his slogan, "There's always room for Bloomberg" (because he's so small).

satire

Title: In Appreciation For Primary Win, Bernie Promises To Make New Hampshire The Site Of His Very First Re-Education Camp NEW HAMPSHIRE - After an astounding victory against Democratic rivals in the New Hampshire primaries, Bernie Sanders expressed his thanks to an adoring crowd of Bolsheviks and college students. Also present was a contingent of lying dog-faced pony soldiers, who flipped their support to Bernie after Biden's recent gaffe. "I happen to believe," Senator Sanders began, "that the re-education of racists and freedom lovers from the middle of the country will be essential to healing and remaking this nation. That is why I am pleased to announce that we will build our very first re-education facility right here in the great state of New Hampshire." Wild cheers broke out from the crowd as Bernie supporters were moved by this great honor. Sanders promised that this brand new camp will be tuition-free, and will provide unlimited government cheese, flour, and abortions to both men and women. Bernie Sanders Campaign staffers were quick to inform him that such a facility may be redundant since the famous Dartmouth College Re-Education Camp already exists in New Hampshire. "That's no problem," said Bernie. "Just throw up some barbed wire around Dartmouth, build a train track for the cattle cars, and we're done!" Sources close to the Sanders campaign report that Bernie will pick AOC as his first Dean of Economics Re-education.

satire

Title: Yang Campaign Collapses After It's Revealed $1,000/Mo Giveaway Would Be Paid For With $1,000/Mo Tax Increase NEW HAMPSHIRE - Tech entrepreneur Andrew Yang has suspended his campaign for President of the United States.Relatively unknown before he began promising to give everyone in the country what he called a Freedom Dividend, which is a universal basic income measure in which the federal government would pay each American $1000 per month, he rapidly grew his social media presence and his "Yang Gang." Many of these fans wore campaign hats and shirts which simply read, "MATH."Americans initially seemed receptive to the idea that they could simply vote themselves more money.  "I love money," said Oliver Mann, a businessman living in Manchester, NH. "I will vote for anyone who promises to just give me stuff at no cost."However, Americans seemed to grow skeptical of the idea when it became clear that the money would have to come from somewhere else to pay for the program. Finally, Yang admitted the $1,000 per month would be accompanied by a $1,000 per month tax increase.When it was discovered how this $1,000 would come with a $1,000 price tag, support for Yang seemed to plummet. After a dismal finish in New Hampshire, the writing was on the wall for Andrew Yang.Perhaps in the future, a similar campaign which promises you $1,000 in exchange for $1,000 will gain traction, but as of right now, Americans prefer giveaways be free.

satire

Title: Biden: 'Your Mother Was A Hamster, And Your Father Smelt Of Elderberries' HAMPTON, NH - Joe Biden fired back at a supporter criticizing his performance in the Iowa caucuses. She questioned why she should support him when he didn't even finish in the top three in Iowa. Biden's response was baffling: "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed, animal food trough-wiper." The supporter was confused: "I'm sorry, what?" "I fart in your general direction," he continued. "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!" "Are... are you just quoting Monty Python?" she asked, clearly baffled. "You dirt-eating piece of slime! You scum-sucking pig! You son of a motherless goat!" "That's not even the same franchise!" she shouted back. Biden wasn't fazed, though, telling her to "go away or I will taunt you a second time." His poll numbers have gone up since the exchange as he's now quoting movies made within the last fifty years.

satire

Title: New Political Bible Adds (R) Or (D) After Each Character's Name GRAND RAPIDS, MI - Zondervan has announced an exciting new edition of the Bible that specifically mentions each character's political affiliation. Every name in the Bible will be followed by an "R" for Republican or a "D" for Democrat. "Obviously, right off the bat, God is followed by an R, while the serpent is followed by a D," the project's chief editor, Dr. Gary Leyland, told reporters. "Those ones are easy. Some of the other characters are a little tougher, as we have little written evidence of their modern American political ideology. But we can usually figure it out with context. For instance, if a character works a lot and is rich, they're a Republican. If a character is poor and wears sandals, definitely Democrat. Except for Jesus." "The weird characters no one likes are probably libertarians." Here are some of the characters whose political identity is revealed for the first time: Every name in those really long genealogies is assumed to be a Republican, since Democrats are against having kids.

satire

Title: Wife Has Encyclopedic Knowledge Of Precise Current Location Of Every Item In Household LINDA VISTA, CA - Local wife and mother Jessica Parsons has an incredible superpower: she always knows the exact current location of every single item in her household. "Hey honey, where's my electric razor?" her husband called earlier this morning.  Parsons snapped back quicker than a Google search result: "Second drawer down in the upstairs bathroom. It's adjacent to your red comb and the open toothpaste tube I keep asking you to close." "Well, yeah, it's there," he mumbled, "but where the heck is the charger for this thing?" She was ready: "You left the charger at the hotel on our trip to Phoenix, even though I kept pestering you to make sure you packed it. I bought you a new one on Amazon, and it's still in the wrapping underneath the sink in the kitchen, just behind the trash bags. We currently have only nine trash bags left and will have to get a new box this week." "She's incredible," her husband told reporters. "Watch this." He then proceeded to rattle off a list of items, for each of which she was able to provide a detailed description of its whereabouts: Parsons still can't figure out how to change the television to the correct input for Netflix, however.

satire

Title: Woman Advertising 5 Different MLMs On Back Of Minivan Must Be Extremely Rich, Successful NEW HAMLET, IA - The people of the New Hamlet suburb were awed Tuesday as they saw Patricia Atkinson's minivan pass by with no fewer than 5 window decals, each advertising a different MLM. Everyone knows that MLMs are a great way to make money, so a woman who's doing five MLMs must be making five times as much money, bystanders reasoned. "She must be rolling in dough to be a sales rep at all five of those companies," said one man as he fetched the mail and watched her van pass by. "If only I could be as much of a go-getter as she obviously is." Shaking his head, the man returned inside and prepared to go to his actual job where he makes real money. "I tried Scentsy for a while but lost a few hundred bucks and a few hundred friends," said Stacy Billings. "Maybe I should try some of those other MLMs." Atkinson is a Platinum-Level Gold-Star Executive Regional Manager at all five of the companies, though she has yet to turn a profit.

satire

Title: AOC: 'You Cannot Literally Wrap Your Head Around Something, You Would Get Hurt' WASHINGTON, D.C. - At a congressional hearing last week, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez began a long, brave rant against confusing idioms. "This idea that you can wrap your head around something -- it's just not true. You can't wrap your head around something. You would get hurt." Bewildered congresspeople looked at each other in awkward silence as Ocasio-Cortez continued. "Believe me, I've tried," she added. "The best you can do is just bash your head into something. It's a physical impossibility." The congresswoman ranted against several other idioms as well: Sadly, everyone had left the room when she finished and the automatic lights turned off, forcing Ocasio-Cortez to wave her hands to get them to turn back on.

satire

Title: Kanye West Drops Out Of Race After Elon Musk Offers Him Position As President Of Mars LOS ANGELES, CA - Kanye West has dropped out of the presidential race, several sources confirmed today, after Elon Musk offered to instead make him president of Mars. "America is great and all, but being president of Mars would be the greatest of all time," West said. "Of all time." Musk said he had a great conversation with West where he convinced him not to aim too low but instead to "shoot for the stars."  "Kanye has way more potential than just being president of America," Musk said. "Frankly, being president of the U.S. is beneath him. Mars is where it's at. It will be way better than any government on this planet." West then showed Musk his crude drawings for a rocket ship to Mars he'd designed in his spare time, called the Yeezymobile. The Yeezymobile is made of "space metal" and runs on Chick-fil-A peanut oil: a "100% environmentally friendly" design, according to West. "And that big fin on the back adds at least 1,000 horsepower," West said. "I love this guy's enthusiasm," said Musk as he looked over the drawing. "We'll have to make a few changes so the craft will obey the laws of physics, but this is a great start. Hey, who are those two stick figures in the front?" "That's me and you, Musk. Me and you," West said, looking up at the stars and putting his arm around his entrepreneurial friend. "We are gonna be the kings of the universe, my friend. The kings of the universe."

satire

Title: ELCA Dropping All Problematic Words From Name: ‘Evangelical,’ ‘Lutheran,’ ‘Church,’ And ‘America’ CHICAGO, IL - The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, a mainline protestant denomination that is home to some 3 million Lutherans, has released a statement declaring that the ELCA will be dropping all the problematic words from its name including "Evangelical," "Lutheran," "Church," and "America." This preliminary statement was adopted by the necessary two-thirds majority of the Churchwide Assembly, recognizing how troubling several of the words were and how deeply offensive and hurtful they were to members of the community.  "This is the right move in 2020," declared Bishop April Ulring Larson. "For too long, our denomination has had its foot on the brakes in this race to progress. These damaging words have no place in an inclusive, safe, and loving community of faith." Theologians across the country have speculated that this was the next logical move for a denomination which has usually been at the forefront of brave progress in such moves as deciding to ordain women and LGBT individuals to ministry, blessing same-sex marriages, and officially opposing laws that are primarily intended to harass those contemplating or deciding for an abortion. "This is a good first step toward progress," said the Reverend Elizabeth Eaton, presiding Bishop over the denomination formerly known as ELCA. "It's a good first step. One of many to come I am sure." At publishing time, it was unclear what the name of the denomination formerly known as the ELCA will be, but one thing is certain: it will not be a place for bigots using such nasty descriptors for a faith community that is open to everybody. Internal polling data indicated that members of the denomination were open to officially changing the moniker to The Society Of Love or Super Faith Friends.

satire

Title: MSNBC Reports Republican Voter Registration Tent Deliberately Rammed Unsuspecting Van In Florida JACKSONVILLE, FL - MSNBC has reported that a Republican voter registration tent deliberately rammed an innocent van that was just minding its own business at the Kernan Village Shopping Center Saturday afternoon. "This is what Trump's dangerous rhetoric does -- it radicalizes even inanimate objects like E-Z UPs," said a solemn MSNBC reporter on the scene. "Now, vans can't even take a pleasant Saturday drive through a shopping center without getting assaulted by a Trump voter registration tent." "It's truly terrifying." According to the cable channel's description of the events, the van was driving through the parking lot, probably helping orphans and immigrants or something, when the tent became enraged and attacked the van in broad daylight, yelling racist slogans like "Make America Great Again!" and "America is not all bad!" The tent also reportedly fired its AR-16 with a long clip into the air at a rate of thousands of magazines per minute. CNN is currently digging through the tent's old tweets.

satire

Title: '80s Movie Night Gets Awkward As Bernie Sanders Keeps Rooting For All The Villains WASHINGTON, D.C. - "No! Stop him! The capitalist is getting away!" shouted Bernie Sanders during Rambo: First Blood Part II when the titular character fled his Soviet captors. While an '80s-themed movie night seemed like a fun idea, it had turned awkward after the invitation of presidential candidate Sanders, who started cheering on the villains in all the movies. "What's wrong with these kids running around with guns fighting people who are just trying to bring them free healthcare?" Sanders said during Red Dawn. "The NRA must have gotten to them." Sanders seemed very confused by all the movies, as each had characters with "great economic views," but instead of those views being embraced, as his have been by the nation's youth, the people with those views were shot at and sometimes blown up with explosive arrows. "These are sick, sick movies," said Sanders, as all the other guests just tried to enjoy the films. Sanders had high hopes, though, for Rocky IV when it looked like Ivan Drago was winning the final fight. "Yes! Prove the superiority of the collectivist system!" But soon Rocky was turning the tables on Drago with a series of vicious punches. "Oh no. This isn't good."

satire

Title: Unreasonable Family Expects Man To Listen To Them And TV At The Same Time SPRINGFIELD, MO - Most nights, Spencer Burton likes to unwind in front of the TV with one of his favorite shows or a sporting event. And often, his family chooses this viewing time to talk to him. His wife may tell him about her day or one of his four children will ask him for help with homework or for permission to do something. Burton has mildly been aware of this attempt at communication but was shocked when he recently learned that his wife and kids genuinely expect him to hear and remember the things they say to him while he's watching TV. "My wife texted and asked if I picked up our son from school, which, of course, I hadn't," said Burton. "Apparently, she told me during the game and actually thought I would listen and follow through." Burton's wife thinks listening to her should be the most important thing in her husband's life, saying, "I don't care if he's got the TV on -- if the kids are screaming, or if he's on the call with a client, my voice should always cut through the noise and go straight to his heart. That's how I am with him." In an attempt to improve the situation, Burton explained to his family that he may not be able to give his full attention to them when the TV is on, and if they really want him to listen, they should wait until he's looking down at his phone.

satire

Title: Chaos At Oscars As Chris Hansen Appears On Stage HOLLYWOOD, CA - The Oscars broke out into chaos and panic as Chris Hansen of To Catch a Predator fame suddenly appeared on the stage. Actors, producers, and directors all scrambled to find the exit, screaming in terror as the former Dateline NBC host popped out of the scenery. "Why don't you all just have a seat right there?" Hansen said sternly as he stared at the audience, a look of disapproval and disgust plastered on his face. Several celebrities escaped into the lobby and attempted to bash through the glass doors of the building, but Hansen was too quick for them, leaning in their way and blocking their path. "Going somewhere?" he asked. "I just want to have a talk about the way you're preying on women and other innocent people. Let's sit down and have a little chat." Panicked actors climbed to the roof of the building and escaped by way of their waiting private jets and helicopters, though each was horrified to see their pilot turn around and reveal himself to be Chris Hansen. "Let's have a little talk," he said as they screamed in terror.

satire

Title: Climate Crisis Solved By New Jet That Runs On Liberal Hypocrisy U.S. - The climate crisis has been getting worse, despite liberal elites' best efforts to fly all over the country in their private jets lecturing everybody about it. There seemed to be no end in sight until a new tech startup, Hypocri-Fuel, introduced a private jet that runs on liberal hypocrisy. "We just hook this bad boy up to Leo DiCaprio, Al Gore, Justin Trudeau, or any of the other thousands of progressive elites who refuse to change their lifestyles to match their beliefs, and presto -- plenty of fuel to go around," said the startup's CEO, Gus Perder. "One fuel-up can power a jet for over a year." Perder said he was trying to figure out what resource the earth has that's nearly limitless when it hit him: the hypocrisy of rich lefties. "There is so much liberal hypocrisy to go around that we never have to worry about running out," he said. "Fossil fuels may go away in a few hundred years, and people are scared of nuclear, but we have an inexhaustible supply of liberal hypocrisy." And every time one of these liberal elites gives a condescending Oscar speech or goes on a world tour in their private jet to tell people how bad they are for flying commercial and not running around in a Flinstones car, they're just generating more energy to power these new airplanes. "It's a win-win for everybody -- liberals can keep lecturing people and actually be useful, and the rest of us can go on ignoring them while the planet cools substantially."

satire

Title: Backup Worship Singer Promoted To Having Mic Turned On WHIDBEY ISLAND, WA--During this week's Sunday Morning service at Authentic Community Fellowship, worship leader Brocke Lively made a very special announcement. In between back-to-back performances of "Waymaker," Lively ceremoniously presented long-time backup worship singer Jeanne Sigler with a special placard. "After seventeen years singing on the worship team every week, and after much prayerful deliberation," declared Lively while playing an emotional piano interlude, "the board and elders have decided to present you with this fancy certificate confirming your promotion, and officially permitting you to have your microphone turned on during worship services." Sigler remained speechless as she humbly accepted the commemorative tablet and watched Lively make a show of dramatically plugging her microphone cable into the on-stage outlets. "Anything you'd like to say?" asked Lively, pushing the mic into her face. "I… uh… I guess I didn't realize it wasn't, uh, plugged in this whole time," Sigler quietly said as the whole congregation burst into laughter and applause at her brilliant dead-pan humor. Annie Hidalgo, who had also been on the worship team for nearly twenty years asked, "Can I have my mic turned on as well?" "Nope," said Lively as he began playing the intro for "Waymaker" again.

satire

Title: Bernie Sanders Confused By New Hampshire State Motto 'Live Free Or Die' — 'Both Of Those Options Sound Horrible' MANCHESTER, NH - While campaigning in New Hampshire, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was very confused when he saw the phrase "Live Free or Die" on a license plate. "What is that?" he demanded. When someone explained it was the state motto, he was even more confounded. "Both those options sound horrible!" he exclaimed. "Living free is exactly what billionaires want," Sanders told a crowd at a campaign stop. "That way they can accumulate as much money as they want. Think of living free -- everyone involved in peaceful voluntary exchange without government getting in the way -- it would be chaos! That's exactly what my socialism is here to fix." The second part of the slogan Sanders found even more disturbing. "And is someone threatening to kill you if you don't live free? Is it the billionaires? Are the billionaires holding you all hostage, and are they going to kill you if you don't live free? Are you under duress? Blink twice if a billionaire is holding you hostage." Sanders stared at the crowd for a while. "I saw that guy blink and that woman blink, but I need one person to blink twice to confirm billionaires are threatening you to live free." Bernie continued to stand silently, watching the crowd for blinks for the next ten minutes.

satire

Title: Academy Unveils First Transgender Oscar Trophy

satire

Title: Trump Wins Another Democratic Debate

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Title: Ilhan Omar Accused Of Appropriating Alabama Culture By Marrying Relative WASHINGTON, D.C. - Ilhan Omar has been accused of marrying her brother, a serious allegation. But even more serious is the allegation that by so doing, she may have appropriated Alabama culture. "Ilhan Omar is a disgrace to our country since she married her---hey, wait a minute, that's our thing!" said one man in Alabama. "Stop appropriating Southern culture!" "Appropriating 👏 Alabama 👏 culture 👏 is 👏 not 👏 OK 👏!" wrote one social justice advocacy group on Twitter. "Not only do Southerners have to contend with non-Southerners saying 'y'all' and drinking sweet tea, but now their marital practices are being colonialized by cis POC women." Omar was also spotted driving a 1969 Dodge Charger with a confederate flag on the top.

satire

Title: FBI Hires Top-Rated Italian Bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli To Protect Ghislaine Maxwell BRADFORD, NH - Following the arrest of Ghislaine Maxwell for sex abuse charges, the FBI is taking no chances in keeping her safe while she awaits trial. Sparing no expense, the FBI has hired top-notch Italian bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli. "It's-a me, Clintonelli!" said the world-renowned bodyguard arriving at the prison.  Thanks to the particularly glowing reviews from high-profile individuals such as President Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew, all federal prison security checks were waived for Hiluigi. "There's simply no one else that we trust to execute this job as she can."  "Mamma mia, this simply will not do!" exclaimed Hiluigi Clintonelli as she forcefully cleared the room. She warned that anyone other than her could be a threat to Ghislaine's life.  Clintonelli also connected all camera feeds to her personal server to ensure that all recorded video was properly secured.

satire

Title: Dad Who Just Sat Down Pretty Sure Kid’s Scream Wasn't Anything Serious AUSTIN, TX - Chris Richards, who just finally -- finally -- was able to sit down and relax for a moment, was startled to hear a scream from one of his three kids upstairs. He briefly considered having to stand back up and trudge upstairs but decided the scream probably wasn't important. "If one of them had really been hurt, the scream would be much higher-pitched," Richards explained. "That to me sounded more like one just got really angry about a toy or something. You know, it's probably more educational for them to handle that conflict themselves." "It's just their usual, normal nonsense." Richards decided to handle the situation by turning to the stairs and yelling, "Hey, keep it down up there!" Having completed his parental duty, he then checked Twitter on his phone. There was soon another louder scream but still not quite at an actionable level.

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Title: Climate Change Activists Begin Licking Doorknobs To Contract Coronavirus And Reduce Human Population U.S. - Most people are pretty worried about the coronavirus since we've all seen Outbreak with Dustin Hoffman or lost a bunch of games of Pandemic.  But climate change activists are welcoming the potential epidemic and are beginning to lick doorknobs in order to contract the virus and remove themselves from the human population. "This virus is the answer to all of our problems," said George Mandolin, a climate change activist from Portland as he headed down to the local communist cafe to lick all the doorknobs. "It's a safe, easy, and humane way for us to eliminate our problematic carbon footprint for good. We, of course, wouldn't be hypocritical and suggest that other people should lick doorknobs before we do -- we live a lifestyle consistent with our worldview, and as such, will be the first to die." "Farewell, cruel world!" he cried as he licked the handle to the bathroom door and was infected with 47 different diseases.

satire

Title: Trump's Power Doubles After Absorbing Inidictment Attack WASHINGTON, D.C. - "It's over, Pelosi! You've lost!" shouted a cackling Trump as he and the Speaker of the House hovered above the White House, locked in mortal combat. "You have no cards left to play!" Pelosi, ragged and weary from battling her archnemesis for three years, managed a weak smile. "Oh, I think I might have one card up my sleeve," she growled through clenched dentures. "Progressives, assemble!" Down on the ground, something incredible happened: brave Resistance warriors from all over began to assemble and scream at the sky, their powers adding to her own. Pelosi's eyes began to glow blue as she was filled with all the power of every outraged progressive across the land. "Impeachment attack, go!!!" she cried as she unleashed a blue energy beam at Trump's chest -- a desperate, final gambit to impeach him forever and remove him from office. But Pelosi was horrified as Trump only absorbed the attack, feeding on its power. "Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" he cackled as he gained more and more power from the impeachment attack. "Foolish mortals! Every attack only makes me stronger!" Trump then drew on all his newfound power to create chaos at the Iowa primaries, cause himself to be acquitted, and force Pelosi to have a mental breakdown, all in the same week. Unfortunately, he then tweeted something dumb, his only weakness. But Democrats then responded to his dumb tweet with even dumber stuff, causing his power to grow even more.

satire

Title: 'Everything Is Fine,' Dems Report As Pelosi Cracks, Trump Acquitted, Primaries Implode All In One Week U.S. - Democrats have reported that "everything is fine" and "nothing is wrong" and "there is nothing to see here" as we near the end of a week in which Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had a mental breakdown, President Trump was acquitted, and the Democratic primaries collapsed into chaos all within a few days. Nancy Pelosi said the Trump acquittal thing wasn't a big deal, because Democrats have learned an important lesson from the debacle: they need to impeach Trump harder. "We made a mistake in not putting more of our chips into impeachment," she said, as she practiced ripping up Trump's next State of the Union address. "We will put more into his second impeachment, and then things will be fine. Everything is fine. It's fine." "There are no problems within the Democratic party," Adam Schiff said as his office collapsed in flames around him. "We have never been stronger. This is the end of Drumpf. The walls are closing in. This is the beginning of the end. Game over." "This is fine."

satire

Title: I Am Titania McGrath: The Andrew Doyle Interview Listen to this episode on our podcast page or subscribe using your favorite podcast platform here.  Editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle welcome a special guest: Twitter personality Titania McGrath (A.K.A. Andrew Doyle). Titania McGrath is a self-described activist, healer, and radical intersectionalist poet committed to feminism, social justice and armed peaceful protest. A regular on the live-slam poetry scene, Titania regularly performs at arts festivals, deconsecrated churches and genderqueer spiritual retreats. Her unique blend of art and activism has been variously described as 'inspiring', 'groundbreaking' and 'woke'.  You can check out Titania's new book Woke: A Guide to Social Justice Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Topics Discussed Who is Titania McGrath? How do her tweets work?  What are the targets of the satire? What is the nature of satire? Does Titania punch down? What is white privilege? Can comedy redeem culture and society? BREXIT Intersectionality/Wokeness Where's the line we shouldn't cross in satire? Subscriber Portion starts at 00:39:12 Some of this interview is for our subscribers only... So, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

satire

Title: Hip Church Reaches Out To Youth With POG Giveaway MANCHESTER, NH - Dope Community Church needed to find a way to reach the youth in the surrounding community. They thought about playing Hanson songs during worship time or preaching through popular television series like Family Matters and Home Improvement. But finally, they landed on the perfect solution: giving away POGs, small cardboard discs used in a popular game among young people. Any youth who attend the church this Sunday will receive a free pack of POGs and a custom slammer. "Paul became all things to all people, and we need to do the same by meeting the youth where they are: down at the rollerskating rink, trading POGs with their pals," said Pastor Lou Bundy, 92. "They're bippin' and boppin' and rockin' and rollin' and we've gotta be slick for these young cats, you dig?" The church is hopeful that this outreach will bring more of the youngsters into the fold, so they can send them away to youth group and never have to see them. Next week, all youth will receive a free copy of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari 2600.

satire

Title: Trump Announces New Memoir: 'If I Did It' WASHINGTON, D.C. - Just one day after his acquittal of both articles of impeachment, President Donald Trump has announced a new memoir: If I Did It. Trump says the book contains theoretical conjecture over what he would have done had he actually committed the abuses of power he was accused of. "I didn't do it, obviously, as I was just found to be the most innocent president of all time by the Senate," he said at a press conference announcing the new book. "But if I had done it, I would have obviously carried out the best high crimes and misdemeanors, maybe ever. And this book lays out how. It's tremendous. My high crimes would have been 17-dimensional Scattergories, not some dumb phone call." "All the juicy details about the quid pro quo -- which I didn't do! -- and Russian collusion and all that stuff are in here, if you're interested." Rudy Giuliani is reportedly helping Trump with the legal details in the book, including interesting factoids like "you can't impeach a president and vice president for the same crime" and "if the toupee doesn't fit, you must acquit."

satire

Title: Elizabeth Warren Sneaks Off Private Jet Under Large Cardboard Box DES MOINES, IA - Elizabeth Warren got off her private jet in Iowa this week and was horrified to see someone taking video. Some politicians would consider providing an explanation for hypocritical behavior like this, or, a lot more rarely, even changing their lifestyles to align with their stated beliefs. But not Elizabeth Warren. Thinking quickly, Warren slipped under a nearby cardboard box and slowly crept by so as to avoid the watchful eyes of reporters. As she attempted to sneak by, several bystanders saw the box, exclamation points appearing above their heads as they ran over to investigate. Warren attempted to distract pesky onlookers by knocking on walls and was forced to crawl through several ventilation ducts to avoid detection. Sadly, just before she arrived at her gas-guzzling car, she was caught and forced to answer questions about her environmental hypocrisy anyway. She cried out in anguish, and her staff radioed her to see what was the matter: "What's wrong? Warren? WAAAAAAAARREEEENNNN!!!!"

satire

Title: In Bold Act Of Defiance, Joel Osteen Rips Up Bible HOUSTON, TX - During Sunday's service at Lakewood Church, Joel Osteen ripped up a Bible in a bold act of defiance. After the sermon was completed, in a theatrical display of his attitude toward the Scriptures, Osteen stood up and solemnly ripped the Bible in half before tossing it on the ground. "The Bible shreds my theology, so I shredded the Bible," Osteen said afterward, defending his actions. "I couldn't find one word of truth in this thing. It talked about persecution, trials, tribulations, poverty, hardship, and even the 's-i-n' word. It's repulsive, really." Some critics noted that Osteen had "pre-ripped" the Bible during his sermon so it would tear more easily. Still, it's a pretty thick book, so it took Osteen tremendous effort to tear its thousands of pages. He also spoke words of victory over the book as he ripped it in half. His hands were singed in the attempt, but he was finally able to push through and finish the ceremonial tearing of the Bible. "It was the courteous thing to do, considering the alternative," he added ominously.

satire

Title: To Compete With Space Force, Democrats Propose Space IRS THE FINAL FRONTIER - President Trump's new Space Force has been stealing the imagination of the public with its forward-looking ideal. "It's a force," Trump explained in a press conference, "in SPAAAAACE!" Not to be outdone, the Democrats are now trying to show they can also look to the future with their new proposal: Space IRS. "We also are inspired by watching shows such as Star Wars," Nancy Pelosi told the press, "and seeing someone like Han Solo, a smuggler who is obviously avoiding taxes. It makes us say to ourselves, there has to be a way to follow someone like that and see how much he's spending at cantinas and sabacc tables and know that he's hiding income. That's the job of Space IRS." Pelosi said the Space IRS will be a constant companion to all explorers of the galaxy, making sure the government gets a piece of whatever is discovered. "There are so many distant stars -- distant galaxies out there," Pelosi said. "That's a lot of auditing. We want to be prepared." Pelosi said the first job of the Space IRS will be to get Trump to release his space taxes, but Trump says he already released his space taxes. Into the sun.

satire

Title: Sad: Democrat Leaders Struggling To Enforce Lockdowns After Getting Rid Of All The Police U.S. - Oh no! Democrat leaders sure are in a pickle. They are really trying to be tyrants and enact a police state with their COVID-19 orders and lockdowns, but oops: they just defunded the police and now don't have any police officers to enforce their orders! Oops-a-daisy! "We may have defunded the police slightly too early," admitted NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio. "Maybe we should have welded everybody into their homes and then fired all the police officers. You have to be really careful with the timing on these things, you know." Someone then busted into his press conference and stole his watch. "Police! Arrest that man!" he cried before realizing what he was saying. California Governor Gavin Newsom just ordered everyone to wear masks and told almost all the restaurants in the state to close, but he's running into a similar roadblock as major cities like L.A. and San Francisco have already begun defunding their police departments. "OK, look, let's just back up and look at the SCIENCE here," Newsom said. "We'll keep the police, but they can only enforce masks and stop people from skateboarding and stuff. But they won't be able to use force. No guns, of course. They'll just stop people with their words, and if the citizens disagree, the police will be authorized to ask nicely a second time." Meanwhile, many Republican leaders are speaking out against tyranny while pushing for police to have more money so they can buy more tanks and killer robots.

satire

Title: Trump Irritated As Some Jesus Guy Hogs All The Attention At Prayer Breakfast WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Trump arrived at the National Prayer Breakfast in high spirits Thursday, having been acquitted of all crimes and immorality forever. But his mood quickly turned sour as the evangelical leaders and ministers continued to talk about "some Jesus guy" instead of discussing the "far more important issue" of his acquittal. "I'm good with prayer and everything, but shouldn't today be about me?" he grumbled to Mike Pence, who just stood there and smiled. "I was acquitted! Found not guilty! Innocent forever! Most innocent president of all time! And they're all here going on and on about this Jesus fellow who apparently wasn't even acquitted. I mean, he was found guilty, fair and square!" Pence continued to stand there and smile until Trump finally realized they had sent along Pence's robotic decoy to the meeting. "I hate it when they do this." At long last, Prayer Breakfast organizers were able to coax Trump into leading everybody in prayer, though he chose an imprecatory psalm to pray against the Democrats.

satire

Title: Impeachment Trial Ends As Trump Makes Plea Deal: He Isn't Punished In Any Way And Also Doesn't Change His Behavior In Any Way WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senate Republicans have acquitted President Trump in his impeachment trial, as both parties have reached an agreement. In the agreement, Trump will receive absolutely no punishment over the Ukraine phone call and in return Trump will not change his behavior in any way. "I'm awesome. And I'm going to keep being awesome," Trump told the Republicans. "So just make this go away, you dummies." Republicans seemed happy with the deal. "I told the president I was a little concerned about the appearance of quid pro quo with the Ukraine phone call," said Senator Susan Collins, "and he looked me right in the eye and said, 'Shut up, stupid.' That's all I needed to hear from him." There are some fears that Trump may go back on his part of the deal -- not changing his behavior in any way -- as there are now some indications that after acquittal he plans to become even more obnoxious.

satire

Title: Democrats Claim Real Impeachment Has Never Been Tried WASHINGTON, DC - After suffering defeat in their bid to impeach President Trump, Democrats in Washington are making the claim that real impeachment has never been tried. "The unenlightened and uninformed say this is one more example of impeachment that failed," Nancy Pelosi told reporters, "but what they call 'impeachment' isn't real impeachment at all." "What the people don't understand," Pelosi continued, "is that real impeachment, like real socialism, will solve all of their problems. The common people can't be trusted to own things or to elect a President I like. It's just better for everyone if we in Washington seize the means of election." When asked for her definition of real impeachment, Pelosi described it as a fair and unbiased process that would always give her the predetermined outcome she wanted. "We're going to keep trying until we get it right," she declared ominously.

satire

Title: Pelosi Suffers Multiple Strains, Fractures While Ripping Up Trump's Speech WASHINGTON, D.C. - Well, it's shaping up to be a bad week for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The Democratic primaries are in chaos, Trump delivered a positive, high-energy State of the Union address, the economy is good, and Trump was just acquitted of the articles of impeachment. But Pelosi made it even worse on herself by tearing up Trump's State of the Union address in front of the whole nation. She ended up overexerting herself, and 54 different bones in her hands and wrists immediately snapped during the ripping. Fourteen different muscles were also strained. She fell to the ground in pain, nearly getting trampled by Mike Pence and President Trump, who pretended not to see her. Luckily, she had one of those buttons old people hang around their necks, and she was able to press it to call for help. "I'd trained for weeks to prepare for ripping up those few pages, but I forgot to stretch before the big event," she told the doctor sheepishly. "I even pre-ripped the pages so they'd be easier to tear up, but it wasn't enough. I shouldn't have skipped arm day at the water aerobics class last week. Oh, boy, am I going to look silly. But I'll just blame it on Trump somehow." During the doctors' scans, they also discovered she had contracted Trump Derangement Syndrome. There is no known cure.

satire

Title: Couple On Keto Plunged Into Sin After Tasting Forbidden Bread AURORA, CO - Aiden and his wife Everly were on keto, and they saw that it was good. But then, they had lunch at a cute little bistro. While Aiden went to use the restroom, the waitress, Satine, asked Everly if they wanted some bread for the table. "No, we are not to eat of the forbidden bread," she said, "for we are on keto, and we must not eat from anything with carbohydrates in it." But Satine was more crafty than any of the other service staff. She replied, "Are you really not allowed to eat bread? Are carbs really that bad?" Everly said to Satine, "We may eat of everything the Lord has given us -- cheeses, meats, eggs and very limited carbohydrates, but if we eat bread, we will surely die. Or at least gain weight or something; I'm not really sure how it works." "You will not surely gain weight," Satine replied. "You have been deceived. When you taste of the forbidden bread, your eyes will be opened, and you will recognize just how good wheat-based products are. I mean, have you ever seen those parmesan garlic pita chips? They're, like, soooooo good." When Everly saw that the bread was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also that it had some delicious, melted butter on top, she took some and ate it. When her husband got back from the bathroom, she gave him some, and he ate it. But then their eyes were opened, and they realized they had kicked themselves out of ketosis. So they descended into all sorts of debauchery: potato chips, avocado toast, Hawaiian rolls, beer, and other sinful activities, since they were off the keto wagon anyway. It's OK, though, because they're going to restart keto for the 79th time tomorrow.

satire

Title: Worship Leader Drunk With Power Commanding Congregation To Sit, Stand, Sit, Stand NILES SPRING, IA - Terrified church-goers reached out to authorities on Monday saying that their worship leader Matt Kimber had gone drunk with power and had forced them to sit, stand, and sometimes join him in long meandering prayers for over 24 hours. It started on Sunday morning at Evergrave Community Church as Kimber began to play "Mighty To Save." "Let's all stand!" he called out as he went into the opening verse. The church obeyed. As the song ended he allowed everyone to sit, but soon after that, he commanded them to stand again. From there, the church was thrown into an endless madman's spiral of sitting and standing ad nauseam.  "At the height of it all, it was rapid-fire. Sit, stand, sit, stand, sit, stand," said church member Florence Garvey. "Oooh, my aching quads." The only church members who were not affected by the mental breakdown were a few junior high kids who are simply too cool to be bothered with standing up. When thirteen-year-old Lily Vinton was asked why she had sat slumped in her chair staring blankly for the entire 24-hour service, she simply replied "Bruh," then looked at her phone. There were also a few elderly members of the church who did not participate. "I can't do all that sitting and standing with my bad hip," said Florence Hillman, age 193.  Still, 95% of those in attendance found themselves sitting and standing as the sun went down and the moon rose up. "That's when Kimber lost it completely," said lead pastor Donn Dirk. "He was laughing so loudly, so violently, there was just spittle blasting out of his face like some kind of mucus shotgun or something as the full moon shot beams of eerie blue light through the skylights. And those eyes... those horrible yellow eyes." Despite having gone clinically insane, Kimber continued to force the congregants to rise and sit with cruel rapidity. It wasn't until he started to slow down and lose his voice that church members were able to reach a phone and call for help. As authorities arrived, he commanded fire and rescue teams to sit and stand as well, but luckily he ran out of steam and collapsed shortly after. "This whole disaster probably took a good year or two off of those pews," pastor Dirk lamented. He also told reporters that Kimber had tested positive for rabies and had to be put down.

satire

Title: Study: Burning Money Far More Beneficial Than Donating To A Politician U.S. - Should you donate to the politician you think will best help the country? Or should you instead put all that money in a big pile and set it on fire? That has been the eternal question, and a new study aims to answer it. "The better use of your money is setting it on fire, hands down," said Doctor Howard Ingram, an expert in the fields of both politics and arson. "Every time we set money on fire, we get the benefits of producing light and heat. We never see any such solid benefits from donating to a politician. In fact, it often has a detrimental effect." Ingram reported that donating to politicians often simply encourages their sociopathic behavior and leads them to forcefully take more of your money through taxes, which will then be wasted on government programs where, again, just burning the money would have produced more benefit. There are some negatives to burning money, though, such as smoke inhalation. "You might want to consider getting rid of the money in other ways," said Ingram, "such as buying a bag of chips. But I really like burning things." Some politicians have disputed the findings of the study, but you can't believe a word out of their lying mouths.

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Title: Podcast: Diversity SWAT Teams And The State Of The Union With Adam Ford This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast for the week of 2/5/2020 with special guest host ADAM FORD.  Listen to this episode on our podcast page or subscribe using your favorite podcast platform here.  In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle welcome the creator… of the Babylon Bee: Adam Ford. They discuss the week's top stories like CNN's coverage of the problematic panel of experts doing something about the deadly coronavirus, now multiple Bernie staffers advocating violent revolution, and Trump's State Of The Union address where the guys make predictions about media reactions (by the time this episode airs, you can see how prophetic they were). In the subscriber portion, Kyle, Ethan, and Adam talk Superbowl half-time sex show, Brexit finally happening, and how our government's legitimacy is forever gone now since Republican Senators didn't just do whatever Democrats say. Adam Ford is now in the real news business.  Check out his new site DISRN. Adam Ford will be producing weekly podcast content for DISRN subscribers, so stay tuned for that! You can also sign up for the daily Adam Ford Newsletter. Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Show Outline Introduction - Kyle and Ethan welcome the Babylon Bee creator Adam Ford, discuss Kyle's recent trip to a libertarian conference, and come up with a theme song for DISRN. Story 1 - CNN Condemns D-Day Soldiers For Lack Of Diversity Trump tweeted out a photo of his task force. I guess it was all white males. "We will continue to monitor the ongoing developments," the President said in his post. "We have the best experts anywhere in the world, and they are on top of it 24/7!" CNN recently posted an Coronavirus task force another example of Trump administration's lack of diversity…  "It's a statement that's as predictable as it is infuriating: President Donald Trump's administration lacks diversity… They communicate a "patronage network that everyone is operating under," as Eric Yellin, an associate professor of history and American studies at the University of Richmond, told The Washington Post last year, about a different set of photos. "Having that network be interracial is really important. But the visuals that have come to define the Trump administration say something else, too. They signal which people in a multi-racial, half-female country Trump values the opinions of: mostly white men who are mirror images of the President himself. Story 2 - Uh-Oh: Sanders Campaign Texting 'Gulag For You' To People Who Aren't Voting For Bernie Project Veritas (James O'Keefe) continues to release candid camera clips of Bernie state campaign staffers (latest video highlights four of them) No Comment from the campaign No corporate media is covering it They're all still employed.   Adam Ford Recommendation:  Go read the Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn. Story 3 - Trump To Deliver State Of The Union In Scuba Gear To Avoid Drowning In Liberal Tears Official responses have already been released before the address: Snopes: FALSE New York Times: Detailed analysis of every person making an OK hand sign during the speech  Buzzfeed: Take this quiz to find out what emoji best represents your opinions Max Boot: Op ed - I was gonna become a Republican again until this speech Alex Jones: Not one word about water turning the frogs gay. Mike Pence: smiles, nods CNN: (laughs uncontrollably) Fox News: Flawless victory Marianne Williamson: To really know the State of the union we must consult with these Himalayan salt crystals I got on Etsy Greta Thunberg: (play audio) Vox: buy these special 3D racism glasses to see all the racism you missed last night  Jordan Peterson: (gnaws london broil) Topic of the Week -  Is the news worth paying attention to? How much should it take up our lives? How political should we be? With Adam Ford. Hate Mail/ Feedback - Apparently we are cowards. Paid-subscriber portion (Starts at 01:03:12) Story 1 - Halftime Show Reduces Risk Of Wardrobe Malfunction By Eliminating Most Of Wardrobe (Subscriber Brandon Gaster contributed to this report) Jennifer Lopez and Shakira performed at the Super Bowl Halftime show featuring stripper poles, kids in cages, and Puerto Rican flags. Story 2 - Millions Drop Dead As Brexit Finalized Story 3 - Dems Who Ran Sham Impeachment Hearings Shocked As Republicans Run Sham Impeachment Trial Kyle's kids make an appearance and shove a firetruck into Ethan's backside. Become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

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Title: Sup Fam! Are Y'all Ready To 'Get Turnt' And 'Yolo' On Fleek For Jesus? Yeet! Opinion piece by Youth Pastor Evan "Baller" Branson Yooooooooooo family of God, what is up, my homies!  Are y'all ready to "get turnt" and "YOLO" on fleek for Jesus, peeps?  Yeet! I was just chillin' with my home dawg Jesus this week, doing my lit devos, and He said to me, "Baller, I need you to reach these kids fo me, yo!"  And I was like, "Fo shizzle, J-Dawg! What should I dish out?" And he was like, "Just tell 'em I love 'em, and throw some shade on that devil, my man! Aight, I'm out. Peace!" Isn't that wicked sick? So I'm sittin' up here on this stool rappin' wit y'all now, and I just want y'all to know that Jesus loves you, like, one. Hundo. P. Like, bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh! Totes blowin' my mind even thinkin' about it. So next time you're yeeting it up with your squad, just take a sec and ask yourself if Jesus would be tight with you Netflix and chillin' wit yo bae. I ain't trippin'. The devil trippin'.

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Title: Pelosi Defends Ripping Up Trump's Speech, Saying It Was Just A 'Clump Of Cells' WASHINGTON, D.C. - Nancy Pelosi has been criticized for tearing up President Trump's speech after the State of the Union since immature behavior is almost completely unheard of among politicians. But Pelosi has stuck by her actions, saying that tearing things up comes naturally to Democrats, whether those things are speeches about America and patriotism or unborn babies. "What difference does it make?" she asked in her response after Democrats figured out how to operate the video camera. "It's just a clump of paper cells, no biggie. In no way is this representative of our hate for America." "We need to tear the speech up to see what's in it." Planned Parenthood applauded the tearing up of the speech, pointing out that the ripping of the paper was very similar to the procedure used to tear an unborn baby from his or her mother limb from limb. "It's great that in 2020, elected officials can finally demonstrate a late-term abortion procedure live on camera," said a PP spokesperson. "We are no longer living in the barbaric dark ages."

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Title: Really Interesting Theological Discussion Ruined By Someone Pulling Out A Bible Verse PALM BEACH, FL - Some friends were having a thought-provoking theological discussion, diving deep into the possible nature of God and of the afterlife. However, just as the discussion seemed to be nearing some really intriguing philosophical territory, one member of the group, Kyle Guy, pulled out his phone and read a verse directly from the Bible. "I can't even remember what the verse was," said Clifton Riley, who was part of the discussion, "but things just immediately hit a wall. I mean, what do you do with that? Pull out a Bible and find some other relevant verses? Then it becomes a whole Bible verse arms race, and it's just not fun anymore." "It was like, a total buzzkill." After the Bible verse was quoted, the mood quickly dampened, and much of the speculation on theological matters soon petered out. The discussion picked up its pace, though, when the group switched to talking about episodes of Breaking Bad.

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Title: Dems Leave Chair Empty At State Of The Union To Honor Fallen Hero Soleimani WASHINGTON, D.C. - Washington has a long history of using empty chairs to make political statements, from "empty-chairing" politicians who don't show up to hearings to leaving chairs empty to protest gun violence. The practice continued at tonight's State of the Union address, as Democrats left a lone chair empty in the audience to honor their fallen hero General Qasem Soleimani. "We wanted to call attention to the violence Trump has wrought against innocent freedom fighters," Nancy Pelosi said. "This is just one way we continue to call out his callous oppression of America's enemies. Any enemy of America is an enemy of me, I always say, and Trump needs to understand that principle." In a controversial part of the speech, Trump said, "Terrorism is bad," drawing boos from the Democrats' side. "Read the room!" shouted one congressman. "Too soon!" "I mean, we're usually against terrorism," said Senator Chuck Schumer, "but if Trump is against it, it must be the best thing ever."

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Title: Satire: This Article Is Satire [Satire] This is a satirical article we've posted on our satire site which satirizes current events and Christian living topics through the use of satire. This article addresses the issue of [current event or Christian living topic] in a satirical manner. You may or may not see [current event or Christian living topic] in a different or humorous way as we use irony, wit, and hyperbole to discuss it. This fictionalized quote from a made-up character or real-life person related to the story supports the claim of our article while at the same time deploying the use of humor. "[Hilarious quote.]" Further details are added here for those readers who have stuck with the article long enough to get to this point. An additional quote may appear here if the writer thought of something else that's funny or needs to fill to hit the specified word count established by his editor. "[Possible additional quote.]" A final line attempts to conclude the article and give its readers one more zinger regarding the satirized topic. [Fantastic zinger.] Thank you for your time. [Even better zinger.]

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Title: At Last: Spotify Will Now Automatically Switch Your Music From Secular To Christian As Soon As You Pull Into The Church Parking Lot U.S. - Spotify has introduced a long-awaited feature for Christians: the app will now automatically switch over from secular music to Christian as soon as you pull into your church's parking lot. If you're blasting Metallica before Sunday service and tear into the lot, the app will quickly switch things over to "God's Not Dead" or that weird song about getting your worship on so people will think you are holy. "Our new Sunday mode feature has been a long time coming," said one Spotify developer. "Christian users complained that they'd drive right by the pastor, windows down with Van Halen, Bruno Mars, or Lady Gaga blaring from the speakers. But now you can switch into holy Christian mode without any effort at all. You don't want to advertise to your fellow Christians that you have no discernment, after all." "No more embarrassment as the pastor hears Megadeth's Rust in Peace reverberating from your subwoofer!" Spotify says it still can't help you stop cussing on Sunday, however, saying that you'll need to be sanctified through the Spirit for that to happen.

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Title: Surprise Candidate Hiltasha Clintonov Declared Winner Of Iowa Caucuses IOWA - In an unexpected twist for the Democratic primaries, surprise candidate Hiltasha Clintonov, a dual citizen of the U.S. and Russia, has been declared the winner of the Iowa caucuses. "In Iowa primary, Clintonov defeats you!" she declared in her triumphant victory speech through her thick Russian accent. "This result show that American people are ready for, how you say, diversity in White House." She was then informed that you say it just as it is spelled, "diversity." Putin has endorsed the candidate, saying he respects her ability to rig elections and also fears for his life. "Hiltasha Clintonov is best for America," he said, sweating bullets, as an anvil dangled conspicuously above his head. "We in Russia say, 'Yes!' to Clintonov. Please do not hurt us." In an unrelated development, all the other candidates have turned up dead.

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Title: Bloomberg Purchases First Supporter For $1.7 Billion NEW YORK - Presidential hopeful Michael Bloomberg acquired his first supporter today, Bloomberg reports. The man, Tom Kenny of the East Village, was purchased for a hefty $1.7 billion, which he claims was a bargain. It all started when Kenny heard one of Bloomberg's many brilliant ads on the radio. "I've always loved the guy," Kenny said while being frisked by a police officer. "I've also always loved Big Gulps too, though, so there's that, but I was just so convinced by the ad." The ad began by listing some of Mayor Bloomberg's many accomplishments, but then quickly moved to offering citizens a large sum of cash in return for full-fledged support of the candidate in the 2020 presidential race. When Kenny arrived at the big investment bank to cash in on his vote, he was surprised to find that nobody else had shown up to collect. However, he knew from his studies in college that this gave him a tremendous advantage. "They offered me 50 million," Kenny claimed, shaking his head. "I said, '50 billion and we've got ourselves a deal.'" Kenny admits he may have aimed a little high, but was glad to exit the bank with a $1.7 billion check in his hand. Elizabeth Warren chimed in on the issue, claiming she will tax the sale at 100% on her first day as president. The task may prove more difficult for Warren than it seems, though, since Kenny has already blown at least half of the money on luxury jets and Yeezys.

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Title: Democrats In Chaos After Being Forced To Do Math For First Time IOWA - The Democratic primaries have broken down into chaos after the party encountered its archnemesis head-on for the first time: basic math. While progressives were optimistic going into the primaries, they'd forgotten that numbers, counting, and addition would be required. "No one told us math would be involved!" said one angry Bernie Sanders voter. "We just kinda wanted them to pick our guy. We weren't told there would be things like addition, counting, and more counting. Can't we just win based on blind optimism, kinda like how socialism works?" Pete Buttigieg quickly declared victory, even though votes weren't tallied yet, as he claimed he is the morally correct choice, if not the mathematically selected one. "It's 2020, and we're still basing primaries on outdated concepts like counting. This is not our America." "We would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that pesky math!" grumbled Bernie Sanders. For the next state primary, votes will be tallied based on heart, passion, and love, rather than confusing concepts like digits, sums, and adding 2 and 2 together.

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Title: Study: People Tend To Tune Out By The Fifth Threat To Our Democracy Per Day A new study has fascinating findings that could have big political implications. According to the study, all the widely publicized threats to our very nation and shattering of norms aren't having a cumulative effect but instead are causing people to dull to outrage. In fact, the study shows that people completely tune out by about the fifth threat to our democracy per day. Doctor Drew Stevenson is an outrage expert who conducted the study. He started his career researching the effects of random electrical shocks on the moods of monkeys, and now does similar research on Twitter and people. "When you have a bunch of people screaming that our country is under threat of being destroyed, that can get people's attention," said Stevenson. "But by the fifth time people start screaming something like that per day, it's basically white noise." A lot of this is centered around President Trump, and many people seem to confirm how all the outrage eventually cancels itself out. "Yeah, it's like at the start of the day people are 'Look at how Trump is wielding executive power! This is a threat to our democracy!' and you're like, 'Oh. That's bad,'" said Leon Freeman, a plumber and Twitter user. "But it just keeps going all day long. Eventually, they're all like, 'Look what he just tweeted at that reporter! That's an attack on journalism and a threat to our democracy!' and then you're like, 'Just shut up. I don't care anymore.'" Not everyone agrees with the study, though. "Actually, we're a republic, not a democracy," said some nerd, who was then shoved into a mud puddle for being a nerd.

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Title: Baptist Church Service Halftime Show Criticized For Showing Too Much Ankle LEE'S PASS, AL - Church members at Robert E. Lee Baptist Church were shocked and horrified as the church's customary halftime show Sunday included a repulsive amount of nudity and depravity, including several exposed ankles. Church members immediately filled out angry comment cards as the traditional church service halftime show included two Christian singers wearing dresses that only went just below the knee. "You'd think in a church here in God's chosen country of America, you'd be safe from such displays of immorality," said longtime church member Edna Jefferstonianberg, 78. "It just goes to show what liberalism is doing to the Baptist tradition -- it's a major downgrade. Maybe even Marxism." Shocked parents rushed their kids to the lobby or cry room to prevent them from seeing such reckless debauchery. The performers were also criticized for singing a song that was backed by a drum set.

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Title: Trump To Deliver State Of The Union In Scuba Gear To Avoid Drowning In Liberal Tears WASHINGTON D.C. - After completely mopping the floor with the snowflake libs on the Senate floor, the Trump administration fears that he is at high risk of drowning in a literal tidal wave of liberal tears during Tuesday's State of the Union address. "The risk for liberal tear downpour is always high any time Trump speaks," said climatologist Dr. Herbert Thwayne. "But under these conditions, the risk is driven up exponentially. Not only is there going to be a record amount of crying like a bunch of babies, but the melting snowflakes are going to cause a rapid rise in the sea level. It's smart for the president to take any precautions necessary."  For the general public, Weather scientists recommend staying indoors on Tuesday and for families located in blue states to wear life vests on Tuesday night.

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Title: Joel Osteen Installs Security Checkpoints At All Church Entrances To Ensure No One Brings A Bible HOUSTON, TX - Many churches are getting tougher on security, from metal detectors at entrances to security guards stationed in their lobbies. But no church is tougher on security than Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church. Osteen just announced a state-of-the-art security system to be installed at every single entrance, so the church can ensure that no one brings a Bible. "Our technologically advanced system can detect everything from a high-capacity MacArthur Study Bible down to a compact, concealed-carry Gideon New Testament," Osteen said proudly as he showed off the new security checkpoints. "Not so much as a verse gets by these bad boys." "You can't be too careful these days," he added. "You never know what kind of Scriptures ordinary citizens might be concealing on their person. They could do a lot of damage to my unbiblical worldview." The church even requires all smartphones and tablets to be submitted to a guard for a manual inspection, so they can make sure you don't have a Bible app installed. One man was tackled Sunday as he tried to bring in his trusty ESV thinline. "Get him!" security cried, wrestling him to the ground and throwing him outside like in the cartoons.

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Title: Governor Newsom Orders Californians To Launch Fireworks Indoors This Year SACRAMENTO, CA - California Governor Gavin Newsom held a stern press conference today where he lectured people on how to celebrate their freedom safely and responsibly this Independence Day. In addition to banning most gatherings where people usually celebrate the fact that they live in a free country like the United States, Newsom reminded everyone that if they choose to celebrate July 4th with fireworks, the fireworks need to be launched indoors only. Newsom told the state it was "much safer" to explode fireworks indoors than to go outdoors and risk infection. "I know you all want to go out and celebrate how free you are," he said, "but unfortunately, our state is not governed by the Constitution. It is governed by SCIENCE!" At this point, he stuck one finger in the air and shouted the word "SCIENCE." "And SCIENCE says it's much safer to launch off fireworks indoors to show how free you are." He waited for applause, but reporters just looked confused. So, to punctuate his point, he shouted, "SCIENCE!" again. Then, everyone clapped. State fire officials quickly held a press conference and cautioned against having fireworks shows indoors. They were then arrested by the science police.

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Title: Halftime Show Reduces Risk Of Wardrobe Malfunction By Eliminating Most Of Wardrobe MIAMI, FL - Super Bowl organizers were really worried about the risk of a wardrobe malfunction for the 2020 halftime show. Previous errors have caused millions to be exposed to terrible things like nudity, cursing, and The Black-Eyed Peas for the first time. Instead of risking a wardrobe malfunction this year, event planners decided to eliminate most of the singers' wardrobes. "We didn't want to risk someone's shirt or pants falling off, so we just got rid of the shirt and pants," said one choreographer. "You can't have a wardrobe malfunction without a wardrobe. It's a genius plan." In another major precaution, showrunners eliminated the possibility of a musical error by not featuring actual music. Unfortunately, the plan backfired, and a wardrobe malfunction occurred anyway, causing a small amount of clothing to be placed on both celebrities by mistake.

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Title: Breaking: Health Officials Quarantine Portland To Prevent Spread Of Communism PORTLAND, OR - The CDC has announced a full quarantine of Portland to prevent the spread of a dangerous virus known as communism. While communism has been around for a while, experts believe the 2020-Antifa strain could develop into the worst communism pandemic in decades. "We are enforcing a ban on all travel in and out of Portland until a cure is found," said one CDC official. "We simply can't risk deadly viruses like communism spreading out into the world. Millions will die." Although there is no known cure for communism, there are preventative measures that experts recommend, such as reading history books. Signs that someone you love may have communism already include wearing ski masks, sporting Che Guevara shirts, and not showering regularly. "If you see something that indicates someone you know may be infected with communism, say something." In a shocking turn of events, all Democratic candidates were found to be carriers of the disease, though they assured everyone it was actually a democratic version of the virus.

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Title: Remembering World War III -- 30 Days Later WORLD - Sunday will mark 30 days since America defeated Iran in World War III, the shortest war in history. President Trump, now seen as the greatest world leader of all time, needed only 45 seconds to declare his victory. It started when Trump ordered an airstrike just after midnight on 3 January 2020. The strike killed two high-ranking Iranian officials, Qasem Soleimani and Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis, who had definitely started the war by being in American territory in the first place. This left the Iranians helpless, and forced them to surrender. The war was over. (While the general public believed Iran fought back in the war, firing missiles at American troops, the story was easily debunked by former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura.) "It was a good war, great war, well thought out too," President Trump explained, looking through his Twitter feed from early January. "I like to consider myself the Winston Churchill of World War III. It's got a nice ring to it." In the four weeks since World War III, the globe has grown to its safest level on record. Every terrorist in the world has been killed, Iran has been wiped off the map, and the territory previously known as Iran, Trumpsbakistan, is now the hottest tourist destination on the planet. With a world like this, it's hard to imagine another major war anytime soon. Thank you very much, President Trump!

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Title: CNN Condemns D-Day Soldiers For Lack Of Diversity ATLANTA, GA - Everyone was really happy that the Allied forces stopped Hitler. Everyone, that is, except CNN, who published a retrospective on the war this week, zeroing in on the real issue of Operation Overlord: no gay female trans POCs in any of the units. While most people were really grateful that Hitler was defeated, despite the U.S. military's wider segregation issues at the time, most people are not as woke as CNN, who condemned the entire operation as racist and xenophobic. "Ugh, look at all these cisgendered males," the CNN opinion piece read. "At some point, you have to ask yourself which is worse: living under Hitler's regime or getting rescued by straight, white males." "The obvious answer, of course, is straight white males. They're always worse. Then again, you could argue that they're literally Hitler, and you're back to square one." While CNN acknowledged that many minority soldiers fought both on D-Day and during the wider war, the piece argued that since the Allied task force did not meet CNN's modern diversity standards, the Allied effort should be condemned today. "Other people focus on the minor things, like the fact that Hitler was ousted, but we've got the real story. Do better, Allies. Do better."

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Title: Man Busted Using One Of His Wife’s 72 Shampoos MARQUETTE, MI - Local man Wesley Muir is in big trouble with his wife. According to reports, around 5 a.m. on Monday, Muir made the costly mistake of using one of his wife's 72 shampoos. "I had soap in my eyes and her shea butter coconut tea tree oil shampoo was right by my hand, I just made a choice," Muir told reporters. "I figured there was no way she could possibly know I used a mere dollop of one of her many, many shampoos." But Muir was unaware of the common practice among almost all of the nation's wives of weighing and documenting each of the bottles of hair care products in the bathroom every evening before bed. That night, the numbers were off. "Someone has been skimming," Wesley's Wife, Shelly said angrily as she broke a pencil in her fist and slammed her haircare product weight log closed. The neighbors reported loud screaming that night, then silence. Wesley Muir has not been heard from since the incident.

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Title: People In Iowa Prepare For Only Week Of The Year Where Rest Of Country Remembers They Exist DES MOINES, IA - In general, Americans couldn't care less what Iowans think, say, or do. However, early in election years, the nation turns its attention to this midwestern state, which is believed to be somewhere near the Mississippi River. The 2020 Iowa Democratic caucuses will take place on February 3 resulting in everybody suddenly caring about the opinions of Iowans for a short time. "We're thrilled to have people truly care what we think," said Des Moines resident Owen Brown. "We get so used to being ignored by everyone that this feels really special." It is widely believed that the early voting happens in Iowa because of its complex caucus and convention process, but many experts say it occurs simply to give Iowans' lives purpose for a few weeks and help them cope with the depressing realities of living there. "Oh, it's definitely just to make them feel important," said political science professor Chad Thorson. "There's really no other reason I can think of. But if it helps them get through, then good on them." Many Iowans hope the attention from the caucuses will help other states remember them in the coming months.

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Title: Boris Johnson Blows Conch Shell, England Carried Away By Herd Of Manatees U.K. - Brexit day is here and the U.K. is leaving the European Union. Prime Minister Boris Johnson signed the proper documents, toasted a few wine glasses, then stepped out onto the ocean shore. He proceeded to pull out a large conch shell and blow into it, sending a low, warm trumpeting tone across the waves, summoning a massive herd of manatees all strapped to the island and prepared to carry it away to new, uncharted waters. "People ask us, how could we leave the European Union?" Johnson told reporters before stepping onto the back of one of the sea cows. "A herd of manatees. Wonderful creatures" he answered. The beasts carried Johnson, tugging on the island until it broke free of its European Union ties.  The call of the manatees bellowed out like tubas in the sea, a sea-mammal celebration. The sun beamed brightly. England sailed off into the unknown, and Boris Johnson could be heard saying to the island-movers, "You manatees made history today."

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Title: Anarchist Hecktopia: The Michael Malice Interview Listen to this episode on our podcast page or subscribe using your favorite podcast platform here.  Editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle welcome back popular podcaster and resident expert on anarchism, the "new" right, and North Korea: Michael Malice. He is the author of Dear Reader: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Kim Jon Il and The New Right: A Journey to the Fringe of American Politics. He is also the podcast host of "YOUR WELCOME" and Night Shade. Kyle and Ethan continue their efforts to convert him into Michael Mercy and discuss strange sea creatures, visiting North Korea, and why anarchists hate Presidents so much. Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Topics Discussed Anarchy Hecktopia Owned Your house is burning down, do you put the fire out with liberal tears? What would the children pledge allegiance to? Who would indoctrinate the children? Who would deliver Amazon prime? What war criminals would we print on money? What would we do with the Hall of President? What would we call Lincoln Logs? What would they rename Washington State? Who would take my money and tell me what goods and services I need? Who would kill Jeffrey Epstein? Who would shoot the dogs? Who would you rather have run national parks? Costco or Sam's Club? Who would be the best anarchist president? North Korea You've been to North Korea. Tell us about that. What was it like getting off the plane? Isn't there a travel ban to going there? Western journalists endangering North Korean citizens' lives Thought crimes when you're always being watched Kim Jong Un worship. Was it real?  What dystopian novel gets closest to the reality?  Black markets North Korea's cult of the gun and military How is Trump's handling of Iran and North Korea? Anarchy and Political Theory Michael Malice tries to think of top 5 Presidents and ends up rating his 5 worst Presidents, and mentions something weird about Grover Cleveland Michael Malice delves into the heart of anarchy Miscellaneous The power of social media and the strange alliances against progressivism, strange sea creatures, and how sometimes it is a sin not to eat the ham. The entire interview is available for Babylon Bee subscribers only… Become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

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Title: The Bee Explains: Coronavirus Well, this can't be good: the coronavirus is spreading faster than support for socialism, and it's only slightly less deadly. It's important to take precautions to avoid both the coronavirus and socialism, so we've thrown together this little explainer to help you navigate this frightening potential pandemic. We asked for advice from a lady who sells essential oils at our church and a woman on Facebook who posts about "gut health" a lot, so you can be sure this is incredibly accurate. What is the coronavirus? An alt-right conspiracy theory invented by Russian hackers to distract us all from the historic impeachment proceedings. How can I tell if I have the coronavirus? Go to WebMD and search your symptoms. You probably have either the coronavirus or cancer. How many calories does the coronavirus have? Coronavirus Extra has 149 calories, while Coronavirus Light has only 99 calories with the same delicious symptoms. Can anything kill the coronavirus? Only a Dragon Uppercut (Shoryuken) if perfectly executed, but only experts should perform this move.  What can I do to prevent infection? Buy a Babylon Bee hoodie.* *Note: does not prevent the coronavirus but looks cool as you suffer the symptoms. How should the coronavirus be treated? With kindness and compassion. The coronavirus was raised in a biological warfare lab in China before escaping, and may not be familiar with your part of the world or western social norms, such as not causing people to puke their guts out and die. What are research scientists doing to combat the spread of the coronavirus? They're creating what they're calling the dextervirus -- a deadly virus that only kills other viruses. They assure us this can't backfire in any way. Will the coronavirus affect the economy? Yes, many fear the coronavirus will take away the jobs of many hardworking, locally made viruses.

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Title: Uh-Oh: Sanders Campaign Texting 'Gulag For You' To People Who Aren't Voting For Bernie This could be worrying: the Bernie Sanders campaign has enlisted thousands of volunteers to text people and ask if they're voting for Bernie. This is a common tactic among campaigns with strong grassroots support. But the troubling part is that if you reply that you're not voting for Bernie, the volunteers are replying with, "Gulag for you." Not good! The Sanders campaign is denying that it is keeping a list of people who won't be voting for Bernie in order to prioritize who goes to the gulags, insisting that the gulag admission process will be fair and equitable for all. "This campaign is all about equality," Sanders said. "We do not condone the actions of these few volunteers, and we commit to sending all dissenters to the gulags equally." Well, that's a relief! We'll also state for the record that we're big fans of Bernie and we welcome our new commie overlords.

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Title: Frenzied Crowds Rush Stores To Pick Up Copy Of 'Blazing Saddles' Before It Goes Down Memory Hole U.S. - Riotous crowds rushed brick and mortar stores today to pick up copies of Mel Brooks' groundbreaking comedy Blazing Saddles before it permanently goes down the memory hole due to jokes that are off-limits in today's enlightened society of love and tolerance. Hundreds of thousands of frenzied Americans charged into stores, fighting over the few copies of the movie still left on shelves. "It was mine -- I saw it first!" shouted one man as he elbow-dropped another rioter in a Best Buy. "Hand it over, ya little weasel!" The pair fought over the Blu-ray for a few minutes before the elbow-dropper finally won out and headed for the checkstand with his prize. The other, more beta man was forced to buy a copy of Pitch Perfect instead. Similar scenes of violence and chaos broke out all around the country as people suddenly realized there was no way Blazing Saddles would remain on streaming services very long, with even jokes that are clearly mocking racism and bigotry being deleted from dozens of shows in the past few weeks. Next week, crowds are expected to be fighting over the last few copies of the next movie to be canceled for being too offensive, Paddington 2.

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Title: Millions Drop Dead As Brexit Finalized UNITED KINGDOM - As Brexit was finalized today, millions of Britons instantly dropped dead. "Upon returning to the dystopian nightmare of self-determination and not being ruled by an elite group of unelected bureaucrats, millions died on the spot," said an NHS spokesperson. According to official reports, millions gathered to scream at the sky but instantly died instead. "It is as though millions of voices suddenly cried out at once but were suddenly silenced." "They simply... lost the will to live," he added somberly. "You might say they died of a broken heart." Remain voters said they tried to warn Brexit supporters that this would happen, but they didn't listen. "We were very clear that everyone would die in the event of leaving the EU, and look what happened," said London citizen Gaylord Mumfordshire III as he lay on his death bed. "EU... forever!" Mumfordshire III then breathed his last. There's actually a cure for death by Brexit that could have saved him, but he was on an NHS wait list. The few surviving UK subjects aren't sure what they're going to do, though some said they're going to go to Disneyland now that they're not limited to that fake, knock-off European Disneyland.

satire

Title: Time To Panic? More Chinese Restaurants Handing Out Fortune Cookies That Just Say 'Death By Coronavirus' U.S. - This could be a bad sign: more and more Chinese restaurants in the U.S. are handing out fortune cookies that just read "Death by coronavirus." The cookies that usually offer pithy advice, motivational sayings, or a short Joel Osteen sermon are now giving dire warnings of your impending death. Experts believe this could be a sign that the coronavirus will quickly be spreading in the U.S. much sooner than we anticipated. Americans were alarmed by the news, though many continued to add the phrase "in the bathroom" to the end of the fortune cookie, giving them a little chuckle before their future death by coronavirus. "Hehe, death by coronavirus in the bathroom," said one man in Oklahoma as he finished his black pepper chicken at a local Panda Express. "Classic. Concerning, yet funny. What a way to go." Luckily, many of the fortunes end with the uplifting message "Have nice day!" accompanied by a smiley face to soften the blow.

satire

Title: CNN Announces Daily 'Two Minutes Hate' Segment ATLANTA, GA - CNN has announced a new "Two Minutes Hate" segment airing every morning. The segments are mandatory viewing for anyone trapped in an airport or hotel lobby. Enraged hosts will drum up hate against whatever draws their ire that particular day, though usually it will be Trump and his supporters. Viewers will be worked up into a frenzy through subliminal messaging and the energy of the crowd. Hosts will use provocative imagery and mocking to get everyone really angry and make them hate their political opponents. Triggering images such as people in red baseball caps and politicians with orange skin will flash across the screen until the crowd's rage is built up to a sufficient level. "Be angry! Be very upset! Be outraged! Everything is terrible!" Don Lemon cried at the crowds dutifully assembled around CNN telescreens across the nation. "Repeat after me: Trump voters are sheep!" "Trump voters are sheep," viewers mumbled obediently. Fox News has condemned the Two Minutes Hate, accused CNN of copying their model during the Obama years. Babylon Bee subscriber Michael Schlecht contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

satire

Title: Epstein Released From Hell After Announcing He Is Transgender HELL - Jeffrey Epstein has been released from hell after coming out as transgender, sources in the afterlife confirmed today. The millionaire and convicted sex offender donned a blonde wig and told the guardians of hell that he was rehabilitated and ready to go back to the land of the living. "We no longer consider Epstein a threat -- he is now stunning and brave," said a representative for the place of eternal punishment. "Hopefully he will be welcomed as the LGBTQ+ hero he now is." Hellish forces also issued an apology to Epstein for treating him poorly. "We didn't realize he was actually a persecuted member of the marginalized LGBTQ+ community. We hope his story can inspire other criminals and sex offenders to come out." Some criticized the release of the dangerous criminal, but these people were told to educate themselves. Upon returning to Earth, Epstein was surprised to learn some people still believe he killed himself.

satire

Title: VeggieTales Reboot To Include Sanctimonious, Elitist Lemon Named Don U.S. - VeggieTales is finally being rebooted without all the sacrilegious elements of the Netflix version, such as eyebrows and irises. One new character confirmed to appear in the show is a sanctimonious, elitest lemon named Don. A news anchor and cultured elite, Don the Lemon anchors a news show on Veggie News Network, popular in airports and hotel lobbies in the VeggieTales universe. Don the Lemon will lecture all the other vegetables on how they're not as cultured as he is on his show and laugh at them for being dumb, hick vegetables. "Have you ever seen the Grape family?" he says, laughing, in one upcoming episode. "They're like the Beverly Hillbillies but they're grapes instead of humans! "Pa Grape sings a dope harmony though, even I have to admit." Don the Lemon will have an archrival, Don the Orange, who is elected president of the kitchen counter on a wave of populist sentiment. Don will rant about him every night on his VNN program, but sadly, none of the other veggies watch the show. The character is expected to leave a sour taste in everyone's mouths.

satire

Title: Coronavirus Polling Higher Than All Presidential Candidates U.S. - There's been a major shakeup in the Democratic primaries, as the 2019-nCoV strain of coronavirus is now polling higher than all candidates for president in national polls. The virus is being praised for its promises to deliver people from the agony and existential dread of living in an increasingly outraged and polarized America. "Come, sweet death," said one man in Texas when asked who had his support in 2020. "I was a Trump man through and through, but now I'm all in for coronavirus." "Bernie Sanders would just throw my political foes in the gulags, but coronavirus will kill them," said a former Sanders campaign staffer in Portland. "I mean, it might kill me too, but that's all worth it to own the capitalists." While many presidential candidates' policies have been criticized for being unworkable, coronavirus is very effective at what it does. It works hard, never sleeps, and hates everyone instead of just some people. Its plans also don't cost any money, it will never give annoying, sanctimonious speeches, and it doesn't have a hard-to-pronounce name. "I commit here and now to bring all Americans eternal rest," said coronavirus in its campaign announcement speech. "You'll no longer have to worry about healthcare, the national debt, or the economy, since you will be dead." Elizabeth Warren has condemned coronavirus, saying the virus told her in secret that a human could never get elected president.

satire

Title: Dems Who Ran Sham Impeachment Hearings Shocked As Republicans Run Sham Impeachment Trial WASHINGTON, D.C. - Democratic leaders in the House called on their Republican colleagues in the Senate to run a fair and thorough impeachment trial instead of a farce as they did when they held impeachment hearings. "We demand Republicans take this seriously and not make this into a circus as we did," Pelosi said sternly. "I would hope the Senate would carry out their solemn duty and not make this a big charade, you know, as we did in the House." "This is a very solemn occasion, and Senate Republicans have a duty to treat it as such." She then handed out big, commemorative foam fingers reading "IMPEACH 45." Other Democrats echoed Pelosi's sentiments, with Adam Schiff saying, "Any impeachment trial that does not immediately railroad the president out of office despite the lack of any impeachable crimes is clearly a sham."  "How did I do?" he asked, concerned his performance wasn't up to snuff. "Can we do another take? I didn't really feel it that time. Let's try it again and I'll really sell it this time." He tried another take, but in a minor wardrobe malfunction, his eye popped out of its socket. Ocasio-Cortez could not be reached for comment as she had somehow tied herself up with her own shoelaces (because she is dumb).

satire

Title: Elizabeth Warren Vows National Manhunt To Find All The Writers Of The Babylon Bee U.S. - Presidential candidate Senator Elizabeth Warren has announced a plan to fight disinformation online. She has also announced the main target of this effort: "satire" site The Babylon Bee, one of the main perpetrators of fake news. "When I am president," Warren told the press, "I immediately will initiate Order 66 and send an elite task force to hunt down and end all disinformation." Many confused Boomers are expected to end up in prison from this, but Warren explained that the main targets will be the writers of The Babylon Bee, who are to be hunted down and tried for high to medium treason. The Babylon Bee in the past has written a number of stories about Warren, including her attacking her Senate colleagues with a tomahawk, her dressing up as a student loan fairy, and her claiming she lost her teaching job when her mustache fell off, revealing she's a woman. Some of these have been disproven by Snopes. "This isn't about one website, though," Warren explained. "This is about making sure that there are no lies on the internet -- especially about me. There will be exceptions, though, for politicians, as sometimes we make mistakes -- like that whole Native American thing." The Babylon Bee is not backing down, though, and has announced it will continue to "write entertaining satire from a Christian viewpoint" and will "never be taken alive."

satire

Title: Nation's Christian Women Send Essential Oils To China To Combat Coronavirus WINDSOR'S MILL, OR - "I just want to make a small difference in the world," says Lindsey Harper as she carefully packs small bottles of essential oils into a care package. In just a few days, the package will arrive in China, where its contents will solve Coronavirus for good. Harper is a housewife, but more importantly, she's a Diamond Platinum Elite Gold Club Sales Manager for a national essential oils company, which means she makes $1.25 an hour selling the bottles of all-natural home remedies for everything from toothaches to car crashes. "Lavender -- it really is the answer to everything," she says as she carefully slips in a brochure telling Chinese women how they can join her MLM, labels the box, and prepares to take it to the post office. "I had an uncle whose head fell off, but a few dabs of lavender later, he was rip-roarin' to go." (She later clarified that he was still dead, but he smelled better.) Harper believes that if the nation's Christian wives band together to send over bottles of lavender, lemon, hibiscus, and pepperment oils, Coronavirus can be eradicated within the week. "It's the least we can do, literally."

satire

Title: Scholars Now Believe Jesus Spent Time With Prostitutes, Tax Collectors Just To Avoid Hanging Out With Journalists ISRAEL - Scholars studying ancient texts from the first century now believe Jesus actually spent time with prostitutes and tax collectors just to avoid hanging out with despicable journalists. Up until now, Christians have always thought that Jesus hung out with everyone, even those in the dregs of society. But even the loving, compassionate Savior had standards and would not spend any time with news writers. "Ugh, the journalists are over there -- don't let 'em see me," He reportedly told tax collector Zaccheus after calling him down from the sycamore tree. "Hide me in your house, quick, so we can get away from those lowlifes." "Yeah, you tax collectors are scummy, but at least you're not a reporter," he said as they dined and did not try to destroy each other's lives as journalists would be doing. "You won't dox people, capitalize on a celebrity's death for clicks, or try to search through my old tweets." Seeing that Jesus was indeed wise, Zaccheus then repented and agreed to pay everyone back and then some for what he had stolen. "Once I saw that He hated journalists too, I realized He was alright."

satire

Title: Father Who Instills Sound Doctrine In Children Also Guarantees They'll See Mittens The Cat In Heaven WALNUT CREEK, CA - As a parent who wants to teach sound doctrine to his children, when Dave Brown, father, was asked by his sad-eyed, lip-quivering children if they would see Mittens the cat in heaven, he replied, "Absolutely." "It's very important to my wife and me to bring our children up in a Christian environment," Brown stated. "In this day and age, there are so many worldviews vying for my kids' attention so we try very hard to educate them on the depths of theology, apologetics, and Scripture. You know, things like the Trinity, justification by faith and, ahem, uh, cat heaven," he said surrounded by children who sure miss their cat. When asked what cat heaven will be like, Brown quickly muttered, "Like regular heaven but stinkier?" And then changed the subject. Later that day, after Brown had forgotten the whole thing, his youngest daughter, Sara, asked him if there's an ostrich heaven. "No, of course not," he replied and then immediately regretted, realizing he will now have to explain why cats have souls and ostriches don't.

satire

Title: Congregation Gently Informs Pastor The Babylon Bee Is Satire WILLOW FALLS, NY - Pastor Chuck Nielsen of Foundations Church prides himself on his powerful, moving sermons. But congregants began to grow concerned when Nielsen referenced articles from popular satire site The Babylon Bee in nearly every message. "At first, we thought he was playing along, but it became increasingly clear that he thought the Bee was real news," said church member Edna Willis.  Nielsen has reportedly cited articles like "Elevation Church Debuts Water Slide Baptismal" and "Joel Osteen Sails Luxury Yacht Through Flooded Houston To Pass Out Copies Of 'Your Best Life Now'" to demonstrate how far the American church has fallen. Worried church members staged an intervention. "Pastor Chuck, we need to have a talk," said church secretary Betty Jameson. "We know how much you love The Babylon Bee, but --" "Oh yes -- most reliable source of news out there!" Pastor Chuck replied enthusiastically. "I reference it for the latest facts about the church, politics, and current events often. I tell you what, I'd be up a creek if I didn't have the reporters at the Bee to keep me informed!" "Yeah, about that..." she continued awkwardly. "It's... well, it's not real." "What -- what do you mean?" he replied, confused. "It's fake? It can't be. It's on the internet and everything." After several hours of explaining to the pastor how The Babylon Bee is satirical, he finally started to move through the stages of grief. At publishing time, Pastor Chuck had discovered a new source of news to reference, The Onion.

satire

Title: Hick Farmers Retaliate Against Coastal Elites By Withholding Ingredients Needed To Make Avocado Toast U.S. - Farmers have long been looked down upon by coastal elites, and now the farmers are finally getting their revenge: the "redneck hicks" all around the country have announced they will not be shipping the ingredients needed to make avocado toast to major liberal cities like New York and Los Angeles. "Until further notice, you'll have to farm your own wheat and grow your own avocados," a spokesperson for America's farmers said as he chewed on a stalk of Timothy grass and did other stereotypical farmer things. "Have fun! Yeehaw!" Avocado farmers in rural parts of Florida and California reminded city dwellers just how juicy and delicious their avocados are. "Man, these are just perfect -- would go great on a nice, warm piece of toast. It would be a real shame if I didn't ship these to the cities, since I'm just a hick farmer and all." The coastal elites were devastated by the sanctions, as the only thing they know how to grow is marijuana in their parents' basements. "Nooooo!!!" screamed one Hollywood screenwriter as his assistant nervously informed him there would be no avocado toast with his latte this morning. "I can't even!" CNN's Don Lemon wrote a formal apology to the farmers, but they claimed they couldn't read it and so the sanctions would continue.

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Title: Weekly News Podcast: Corporate Media And Political Theater This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 1/29/2020. Listen to this episode on our podcast page or subscribe using your favorite podcast platform here.  In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle welcome guest host Michael Malice to discuss this week's stories like how Democrats sowed doubts about the legitimacy of the 2020 Presidential election, a CNN analyst claimed to provide "satire" to his Twitter audience, and how knee-jerk conservatives don't always respond to AOC the right way. They then dive into the main topic of how corporate media tries to weave narratives going beyond the plain facts of current events. In the subscriber portion, Kyle and Ethan discuss more about the impeachment proceedings, Trump being the first President to speak at large March for Life crowd, and how Bernie Sanders is now alt-right adjacent for touting his Joe Rogan street cred. You can find Michael Malice's podcasts "YOUR WELCOME" and Night Shade here. You can also buy Michael Malice's book The New Right. Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Show Outline Introduction - Kyle and Ethan welcome Michael Malice, talk about the recent and tragic death of Kobe Bryant among several others in a nearby helicopter crash, and Kyle threatens to call the cops on the anarchist. Story 1 - Democrats Warn That American People May Tamper With Next Election Back in December House Impeachment proceedings Jerry Nadler Said We Can't 'Trust an Election' to Get Rid of President Trump Nadler is missing some of the proceedings because his wife has pancreatic cancer. The house case managers act as prosecutors in the Senate trial. Adam Schiff (CA congressman) opened Senate trial on Wednesday by saying "The president's negligence cannot be assessed at the ballot box (in November), because we cannot guarantee that that vote will be fairly won," and without foreign interference requested by Trump, Schiff said. Apparently they are mind readers about his intent behind the plain words of the call transcript. "If not remedied by his conviction in the Senate and removal from office, President Trump's abuse of his office and obstruction of Congress will permanently alter the balance of power among the branches of government," the 59-year-old congressman said. Schiff accused Trump of attempting to "use the powers of the presidency to cheat in an election." Story 2 - In Major Deal, The Babylon Bee Purchases Competing Satire Site CNN Joe Lockhart CNN political analyst (Comms for Clinton WH) sent out a dumb tweet recently: "Overheard convo between two Republican senators who only watch Fox News. "is this stuff real? I haven't heard about any of this before. I thought it was all about a server. If half the stuff Schiff is saying is true, we're up shit's creek. Hope the White House has exculpatory evidence"  The Babylon Bee responded: "Leave the satire to us; we'll leave the fake news to you." Joe went on to tweet: "Ok maybe I made up the convo, but you know that's exactly what they're thinking." Story 3 - Dumb AOC Accidentally Strangles Herself Tying Her Shoes (Because She Is So Stupid) Conservatives don't always intelligently handle the case against socialism from principle or history or economics. Too often often they resort to "She Dumb" memes Topic of the Week - Michael Malice joins Ethan and Kyle to discuss how Malice's conception of "The Cathedral" relates to current events like the Impeachment and election campaign season.  "The Cathedral" according to Malice, is the collective of political, media and cultural entities who frame the worldview or narrative in a way that becomes the contemporary consensus seeking to control the narrative of neoliberalism/progressivism for our society and lives and institutions Impeachment analysis in The Cathedral. What is going on? We always poke fun of CNN and others for being biased and lefty.  Is something more insidious going on?  Hate Mail- welp, these happened so we do a rapid-fire hate mail segment. Paid-subscriber portion Story 1 - Nation Immediately Forgets All About Historic Impeachment Trial After Realizing It's Taco Tuesday No one is watching (4.7% of voting age adults) The Nielsen ratings for Wednesday and Thursday showed that ABC, CBS and NBC lost a combined 3 million viewers per day by airing the Senate impeachment trial instead of the daytime soaps No one cares (approval ratings seem to be same or slightly better since impeachment) Story 2 - 'Absolutely Nothing Happening Today,' Says CNN Reporter Gesturing Toward Massive Crowd At March For Life Donald Trump made history Friday as the first-ever president to attend and address the major annual pro-life rally March for Life, telling attendees, "All of us here today understand an eternal truth: Every child is a precious and sacred gift from God." "Every human life, born and unborn, is made in the holy image of Almighty God." The theme for this year's march is "Pro-Life is Pro-Science." About 100,000 were expected to attend the event, but the number may have been a lot more than that. Ford Fischer, a journalist with News2Share, said on Twitter that the best estimate he was able to get was from an organizer who said 200,000 to 300,000 were there today. Story 3 - Bernie Sanders Welcomed As Newest Member Of Alt-Right After Joe Rogan Endorsement Joe Rogan endorses Bernie Bernie shares the clip touting Rogan's support Leftists on twitter and in corporate media upset  Supposedly Joe is "Transphobic, alt-right racist" Become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

satire

Title: Open-Minded Parents Bring Kids To Local Library's 'Pennywise The Clown Story Hour' BATTLEGROUND, WA - Progressive parents, eager to expose their children to new ideas that will in no way mentally or emotionally scar them for life, showed up by the dozens for this weekend's "Pennywise The Clown Story Hour" at their local public library. Throughout the hour, the harmless killer clown dazzled the audience with charming songs and dances and several short stories, and occasionally transformed into the physical manifestation of the children's deepest, darkest fears. The "Clown Story Hour" started in the small town of Derry, Maine in 2017 but has since become a popular feature of libraries across the nation. Despite the enthusiastic support, several bigoted organizations have spoken out against the activity. Representatives from an alt-right, probably super-racist group called "Parents Against People Literally Kidnapping And Eating Our Children" have attempted to shut down the events. But they're obviously Nazis. "Sure, there have been a few cases where it turned out Pennywise was involved in some minor kidnapping and child-consumption," explained Head Librarian Chris Nergon, "but those incidents have been few and far between, only occurring every 27 years, and pretty much everyone mysteriously forgets about it!" Nergon hopes the event will spark positive cultural change and open-mindedness, grooming children to be more accepting of homicidal clowns. In fact, many of the books read during the story hour are selected to do just that: The award-winning children's book "Georgie and His Sewer Friend" teaches children the value of trusting strangers. "We All Float Down Here" uses clever metaphors to help children give in to their fears, and "The Paper Boat" introduces the concept of every child's eventual, inescapable demise. Parents attending with their children went out of their way to demonstrate enthusiasm throughout the entire event. The children themselves seemed to have mixed responses. "I like the part where his detached head stopped screaming 'You'll float too! You'll float too!'" said Bobby Herrington, age 7.

satire

Title: Yale Med School To Stop Teaching Medicine Discovered By White Males NEW HAVEN, CT - Yale University has been under intense criticism after the recent decision to stop teaching "Introduction to Art History: Renaissance to the Present" because of its focus on Western art - mainly by white males. Many people have called Yale out, saying they "didn't go far enough" and that dropping a measly freshman art survey class was "wimpy" and "weak". In response, Yale has decided to take a stunning and brave stand against white males by striking all medicine discovered by white males from its med school curriculum. This has been lauded as a much-needed stand for diversity at Yale, especially by current med students who will now have much more time to deal with the stress of med school by watching Netflix. "Yes, many people will get sick and die because of this, but it will be worth it for the woke points," one professor said. "We will now only teach medicine discovered by brave, oppressed, trans people of color." At publishing time, Yale University had announced that the entire campus would be bulldozed over after faculty discovered the school was founded by privileged white males.

satire

Title: Don Lemon Furious About His Privacy Being Invaded By People Actually Watching His Show ATLANTA, GA - Don Lemon responded Tuesday to criticism of a segment in which he and two guests ridiculed Trump supporters. In his response, a furious Lemon blasted critics for the invasion of his privacy. "I want you all to have a bit of sympathy and think how'd you feel if things you said in the privacy of a therapy office, at home with friends, or on CNN on a Saturday night were blasted out for the entire world to hear," Lemon said on his show. "You'd feel violated." Lemon explained that what he said with guests Rick Wilson and Wajahat Ali was never supposed to be seen by anyone, which is why it was on CNN prime time on a weekend. "It was just friends messing around," Lemon said. "Can you imagine how shocked we were when the next week we saw it on the internet? People were watching us?" Lemon then began to look a bit scared. "What else did you overhear? Because that was all really private." After the speech, the rest of Lemon's show was much more subdued, Lemon and his guests not saying anything and just occasionally glancing fearfully at the cameras.

satire

Title: 3-Year-Old Terror Miraculously Transforms Into Angelic Cherub As Soon As She Falls Asleep ASPEN, CO - 3-year-old Jenny Barlow is "an absolute terror" from the moment she wakes up in the morning. But when she goes to sleep at night, she instantly transforms into an adorable, angelic cherub, according to her parents. "Moments ago, we were ready to drop her off at the fire station," her mother, Grace Barlow, told reporters. "But now, awwww, just look at her. So adorable." Her parents both said they love her more than anything in the world but sometimes just desperately need her to go to sleep for the night in order to preserve any remaining shred of their sanity. "I just love her so much -- SHHH!!! DON'T WAKE HER UP!!!" she hissed at reporters as they started to talk too loudly, threatening to end Barlow's sleep early, which would transform her back into her demonic state. "So cute. Such an angel," she whispered before army-crawling out of the room so as not to wake her.

satire

Title: Impeachment Ratings Skyrocket After Introducing Agitated Horde Of Honey Badgers WASHINGTON, D.C. - Congress has been having problems getting anyone to watch the impeachment trial, since everyone wants to do more productive things like argue on the internet or play video games. But the trial's ratings quickly rebounded after producers released an angry horde of honey badgers into the Senate chambers. "Now this I'll watch," said one man in Texas, sitting up and watching with rapt attention as a frantic Adam Schiff attempted to fight a honey badger off with his shoe. "That's what I'm talking about -- quality entertainment." "Watch your back, Mitch!" he screamed as two honey badgers leaped onto Mitch McConnell's head. Producers had reportedly met to come up with ways to get viewers. They discussed everything from holding the proceedings in the middle of a monster truck rally to having Adam Schiff strap himself into some water skis and jump over a shark. But finally, they settled on the honey badgers. "Americans aren't interested in the ins and outs of a technical trial like this, but they'll tune in to watch politicians fight for their lives against honey badgers," one executive producer of the program said. "Vicious little guys. If Firefly had only introduced a horde of honey badgers, it would probably be on its 18th season by now." The honey badgers left no survivors, causing Congress's approval ratings to increase sharply.

satire

Title: Flock Of Monocled Geese In Top Hats Joins Don Lemon In Round Of Laughter At The Commoners NEW YORK, NY - Over the weekend, CNN's Don Lemon burst out in a fit of laughter with his panel of monocled, tophat wearing geese. While Lemon tried to talk about the half of the country that doesn't share his political views, the panel of geese went into fits of honking, cackles, and belly-laughs. Lemon himself could barely get a word out without going into another episode of laughs. Later, Lemon and the geese went out for lattes and studied geography.

satire

Title: CNN Airs Free Commercial For Trump Campaign ATLANTA, GA - Many people think of Don Lemon and his fellow CNN hosts as elite, out-of-touch snobs. But this couldn't be further from the truth. Take, for instance, Don Lemon's compassionate act of generosity to the Trump campaign. He just filmed a commercial for Trump's reelection, entirely free of charge. CNN said they are trying to smooth things over with Republicans by donating footage to Trump's reelection effort. "I just wanted to extend an olive branch by offering the Trump campaign this free footage of a progressive elite mocking the commoners," Lemon said. "Since we at CNN spend most of our time trying to help out Democrats and parroting progressive talking points, it's only fair that we even the odds by offering Trump free ammunition to ensure his reelection." "You're welcome!" Lemon has also offered to send the Trump campaign complimentary footage of himself and the other CNN hosts whacking a Trump supporter using wet pool noodles.

satire

Title: Powerful: LeBron James Pulls Over To Lecture Homeless Man On His White Privilege LOS ANGELES, CA - We all know LeBron James is an amazing human being, but seriously. Just when we thought he couldn't get any better, local media caught this powerful moment and WE CAN'T EVEN. Cameras caught the inspiring, heartwarming moment LeBron approached a homeless man last week at one of LA's many tent cities.  According to sources, the homeless man held out his hand to LeBron's approaching car to ask for some spare change. What happened next gives us faith in humanity again.  The world-famous NBA player looked at the poor man's outstretched hand. Smiling kindly he said, "Silver and gold have I none, but in the name of #BlackLivesMatter, I offer you the gift of social enlightenment!"  LeBron James then proceeded to lecture the lucky panhandler on his white privilege, offering helpful ways to "be better" in the future. "I was shocked," said Mike "CrazyEyes" McCluckerson, the homeless Marine Corps vet after LeBron's helpful exhortation. "I was raised by a family of possums under an abandoned bridge, but I had no idea how many advantages my whiteness had given me in life. Furthermore, Mr. James illuminated a host of unconscious biases I harbored in my heart without even knowing it. This moment marks a turning point in my never-ending journey to relinquish the mantle of privilege Western colonialism has afforded me."  Mr. McCluckerson then offered Lebron James his scarf as a token of thanks. James didn't have any cash to offer the homeless man, but he did make a $100 donation to Black Lives Matter in his name. What a BEAUTIFUL gesture. Go, LeBron!

satire