id
int64 116
3.55k
| alt_text
stringlengths 0
963
| header
stringclasses 9
values | transcript
stringlengths 113
2.06k
|
|---|---|---|---|
683 | t-rex has gotten the idea that what debt collection agencies do is "try to get people to buy them a big ol' lunch", which, when you think about it, isn't actually what they do at all. let's be serious about this, t-rex. come on. | T-Rex: It's DEFINITELY time to call in some old debts. Luckily for me I'm a one-man debt collection agency!
Narrator: CALLING IN DEBTS COMICS
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! You owe me ten sub sandwiches, and I'm calling in the debt.
Dromiceiomimus: I don't owe you ten sub sandwiches! Why the heck would I ever owe you ten sub sandwiches?
T-Rex: ONE TIME, and I remember this quite clearly, you bet me ten sub sandwiches over something and it was basically pretty clear that you lost.
Utahraptor: And do I owe you anything, T-Rex?
T-Rex: As a matter of fact, yes, you do!
T-Rex: YOU, dear friend, owe me like three cases of pop, because you bet me a can of pop for every week the sub place stayed open, and they've been open for years, so yes, many soda pops for me.
Utahraptor: That is such a made-up bet! I owe you zero cases of pop.
T-Rex: God, you owe me several sub-themed items too!
God (punchline): HOLY SHIT WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT
|
|
684 | the alternate ending has t-rex in panel 5 asking utahraptor to tell him something exciting so he can use the expression, and utahraptor says he was at a party last night where some people were doing cocaine in the corner, and t-rex really doesn't know what to say to that. he imagines he would feel uncomfortable in such a situation, but would try to pretend like he was cool with it, like he didn't even care. | T-Rex: You know what people don't say often enough anymore?
T-Rex: "Holy smokes!"
T-Rex: Holy smokes, but that's a pretty awesome expression! "That dude just fell down the stairs! Holy smokes!" It has the charm of a child, yet is better than the old standby of "holy cow" because nobody says "holy smokes" anymore. It is forgotten. It is UNDISCOVERED.
T-Rex: Holy smokes!
Utahraptor: And with that, it becomes overused!
Utahraptor: Ah well, it had a good run. Now, on to the next new thing!
T-Rex: Wait! Wait a minute! I never had a chance to use it for real!
T-Rex: Anyway man, who says you're in charge of when things become "old hat"?
T-Rex: I will say it again in French, friends and neighbours!
T-Rex (punchline): Qui dit que vous êtes responsable du moment où les choses deviennent "vieux chapeau"?
|
|
685 | the only way to defeat these robot clones will be to trap them in a logical contradiction, which, as robots, they are supremely under-equipped to handle. it's like what happens if you ask a regular person to assemble a car out of its constituent parts. they just fall to the ground, twitching! we're really from two different worlds, i think. | T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to talk about robots!
T-Rex: Holy crap yes!
T-Rex: Oh man, robots. So awesome! What other literary construct allows us to discuss the disparate issues of slavery, prejudice, identity, the body AND the self, while also allowing for all the trappings of a science fiction setting? Only robots, my friends!
T-Rex: I would seriously marry robots if it were even possible.
T-Rex: In fact, the only fault I can find in robots is with their real life counterparts!
Utahraptor: Why's that?
T-Rex: They're a canonical study in failed promise! They never try to take over the world and rarely act as a mirror of our own essential humanity. They just sit around!
Utahraptor: Some of them build cars, T-Rex.
T-Rex: But man, imagine living in a world with literary robots? It would be the coolest!
Narrator: DURING THE NIGHT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD BUT T-REX IS REPLACED BY A SINISTER ROBOT CLONE:
T-Rex (punchline): So awesome!!
|
|
686 | christmas is saved!! | T-Rex: Oh man, I haven't bought anyone any presents yet! I AM SO POOCHED! I am the worst friend in the world.
T-Rex: This will consummate my social ruin FOR SURE!
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex: Oh, hey, Dromiceiomimus! How's - how are things?
Dromiceiomimus: Things are alright, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Haha, that's cool! Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow: Christmas Eve! I have a very special present for YOU, my friend.
Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah, sure thing! Thanks!
T-Rex: Why did I say that?? I AM EVEN MORE POOCHED THAN EVER BEFORE.
Utahraptor: No presents, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Nope! And then I compounded it by telling Dromiceiomimus that I had something extra special for her. And OH MAN, now you know my secret. I'm out of control!
Utahraptor: It's okay! We'll be your friends even without presents.
T-Rex: I know I know but still!
Narrator: LATER: A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE??
T-Rex: Hey!!
T-Rex (punchline): I could give Dromiceiomimus my toaster!
|
|
687 | t-rex's father is an enigma dipped in a few crazysauce predictions | T-Rex: I have made a very important New Year's Resolution! It's to make sure that my name becomes an EPONYMOUS ADJECTIVE. People will soon all describe things as "T-Rexian"! What sort of things?
T-Rex: Awesome things, natch!
T-Rex: Wait, huh? I'm not the sort of person who says "natch". I never say "natch", I say "naturally" and even then, only sometimes. I have no idea why I said "natch" just now. I'd like to take it back, Dromiceiomimus!
Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah, too late! Looks like being T-Rexian is using unpopular and out of favour slang for no reason!
T-Rex: Aw shoot! My eponym is a disaster!
Utahraptor: Plus it wouldn't even get used that often!
Utahraptor: The only time I can imagine using it is - well, when describing you.
T-Rex: Wait! Let's change it so it means using out of date slang that's still cool, like flapper slang or pirate slang or whatever. Can we do that?
Utahraptor: I don't think we can do that!
T-Rex: [narrates] Had I finally and irrevocably "blown it" with my own name? Had my father's famed and final prediction come, at last, to pass?
T-Rex (punchline): Daaaaaang!
|
|
688 | SHE WAS THE CHUGGIEST | T-Rex: Here is a hypothetical situation: let's say I'm married and going to have a child (with my assuredly hott wife)! What should it be named?
T-Rex: MY position is that babies should be named after old girlfriends!
T-Rex: Not only does it allow excellent names to be redistributed to new children, but as we have more kids we'll catch up, and eventually one will be named after my wife! It evens out! Everybody wins!
Dromiceiomimus: Except for the kids who are born male.
T-Rex: They can be named after my wife's ex-boyfriends. As you can see, I've thought of every possibilility!
Utahraptor: Are you really into all your ex-girlfriends that much?
T-Rex: They all had quite excellent names!
Utahraptor: How excellent are we talking about? I bet they were named "Cheeseball" and "Chuggy G".
T-Rex: Those are terrible names! Those are names you give to cats that you don't like.
Narrator (punchline): "DEDICATED TO CHUGGY G"
|
|
689 | guys i am seriously so sick of gardens of regret right now | T-Rex: Okay okay SO - am I making the best use of my time? Judging by the success of others the answer may well be, in fact, "PERHAPS NOT".
Narrator: BACKSTORY: T-REX IS WORRIED HE'S NOT AS AFFLUENT AS HE SHOULD BE?
T-Rex: I've never really cared about being rich before, but on the other hand having disposable income is sort of alright! Is wanting more money the first step on the path to becoming more and more right wing as I get older? Such a trajectory IS one I have sometimes observed in my peers and elders.
Utahraptor: Wait, I'm confused. Are you worried about not being rich, or about drifting to the right?
T-Rex: Neither! Both?
T-Rex: I'm - I dunno. I guess I'm worried about only getting one shot at life and messing it up, or not making the best of it.
Utahraptor: These are serious fears that will likely haunt you till old age, some of them no doubt blossoming into a startling and varied garden of regret!
Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR: A GUY WHO IS NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW
T-Rex (punchline): FRIGGIN' GARDENS OF REGRET!!
|
|
690 | i for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of these discount oven fries? | T-Rex: It would be cool to be able to flash forward and see what my life would actually be like in ten or twenty years.
T-Rex: Cool AND improbable!
T-Rex: So improbable, in fact, that I have no idea of how I would accomplish it. Ah well! SO MUCH FOR VISIONS OF TOMORROW.
Narrator: SUDDENLY, A VISION OF TOMORROW!
Utahraptor: Hey, remember when years ago, you wanted to see the future?
T-Rex: Yep!
Utahraptor: I was just lingering over breakfast when I suddenly recalled that entire conversation. Isn't that wild? And I realized that if I told you about it, this could be your vision of tomorrow: future selves recalling the past!
T-Rex: That's pretty wild!
Narrator: BACK IN THE PRESENT:
T-Rex: Well!
T-Rex (punchline): I for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of the future?
|
|
691 | IN TWO THOUSAND AND SIX, PEOPLE WILL JUST TELL EACH OTHER WHEN JOKES ARE AWESOME | Narrator: INCORRECT HOMOPHONE COMICS
T-Rex: Two words that are homophones sound the same but mean different things!
T-Rex: For instance: the word "awful" (really bad) and the word "offal" (butchered entrails)!
T-Rex: To begin: my stomping on this manner is a sorted little affair! Take soulless in the fact that at leased ewe are knot being chaste as well!
Dromiceiomimus: Why don't you chews to do something else? That would be good gnus to me!
T-Rex: I will here nun of it!
Utahraptor: I don't get it!
T-Rex: I'm saying weird homophones!
Utahraptor: Yeah, but you're not writing them down, so it sounds normal. Pretty normal, anyway. It sounds a little like you're speaking with a weird accent.
T-Rex: I was speaking in hilariously inappropriate homophones! IT WAS EXTREMELY HILARIOUS.
Narrator (punchline): THE END
|
|
692 | EINSTEIN PREDICTED THE EXISTENCE OF ANTI-DOLLARS IN A LITTLE-KNOWN PAPER IN 1945! IT WAS OVERSHADOWED BY ATOMIC BOMB FEVER | Narrator: ONE DAY:
T-Rex: That's it - I'll sell naked pictures of myself online! For PROFITS!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you'll bid on naked pictures of me, right? For profits?
Dromiceiomimus: No thanks! I don't see why I would bid on them when I can see you naked, for free, right now.
T-Rex: FIRST OFF: whatever! And second off: what if I died and you wanted pictures?
Utahraptor: Hey, can I bid some ANTI-DOLLARS on your pictures?
T-Rex: No!
Utahraptor: Because if so, put me down for one million anti-dollars!
T-Rex: I have ALREADY SPECIFIED that anti-dollars are not allowed to be bid in my auction.
Utahraptor: Man, I'm bidding anti-dollars!
Narrator: SCIENCE CORNER:
T-Rex: Do anti-dollars really mutually annihilate when combined with regular dollars?
T-Rex (punchline): Science says, "yes!"
|
|
693 | DOWN WITH DESCRIPTIVISTS IN THIS ONE PARTICULAR INSTANCE | Narrator: LOGICAL FALLACY COMICS today's fallacy: BEGGING THE QUESTION
T-Rex: Begging the question is when what you're trying to prove is assumed implicitly in one of your premises!
T-Rex: FOR EXAMPLE: T-Rex is a pretty sweet dude because he's always so friggin' awesome!
T-Rex: This is actually formally valid: if the premise is true and I'm friggin' awesome, then it follows that I'm a pretty sweet dude. However, I've provided no logical support for my "T-Rex is awesome" premise, but only made a conclusion (T-Rex = pretty sweet) which relies on the premise being true. I haven't offered any evidence, so I am begging the question!
Utahraptor: But "begging the question" is mostly used today to mean "raising the question"!
T-Rex: I know! IT'S SO WRONG.
Utahraptor: Well, I suppose that begs the question, T-Rex: if it's used more often to mean "raises the question" than "a fallacy of presumption", doesn't that suggest that the definition of the phrase has evolved?
T-Rex: NO IT DOES NOT. What it suggests is that everybody sucks but me!
Narrator (punchline): LATER: THE FACE OF PRESCRIPTIVE LANGUAGE??
|
|
695 | later: CLEARLY reluctant double high fives | T-Rex: I've never had any problems with dating someone of a different religion, but I imagine under certain circumstances it could be a problem!
T-Rex: Much like... most things?
T-Rex: I guess if there was some religious beliefs that one person had and the other didn't, it could lead to tension, but relationships are about compromise, right? But if someone, say, adopts the actions of a religion as a compromise, but not the beliefs behind it, isn't that just going through the motions, which isn't really what most religions are about?
Utahraptor: I guess a lot of it depends on the faith of the people involved, T-Rex!
T-Rex: How so?
Utahraptor: Well, if you REALLY believe that by not sharing your religion, your partner is harming himself somehow (i.e., condemning himself to a sucky afterlife), then you'd want to help him out, right? I could see that leading to tension, since there's not much room for movement there unless one of you softens your views.
T-Rex: That's true! Luckily, as I say, this has never happened to me. Therefore, double high fives for conflict avoided??
Off panel: I'm not giving you double high fives, T-Rex.
T-Rex (punchline): Man! Don' leave me hangin'!!
|
|
696 | the implication is that 'green' does rhyme with 'machine' and that t-rex calls himself the 'green machine' OKAY | God: HEY T-REX SETTLE A BET
God: WHAT ONE CHANGE WOULD YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF IF YOU COULD
T-Rex: Raising one eyebrow!
T-Rex: I would really like to be able to raise one eyebrow. It seems like everyone can do this but me! And as a consequence of my being unable to operate my eyebrows individually, my facial expressions are limited to either SURPRISE (both eyebrows raised), ANGER (both eyebrows furrowed), or danged neutrality! The intrigue of raising a single eyebrow seems destined to remain frustratingly beyond my purview.
Utahraptor: I've seen you look intrigued before, T-Rex. I'm sure of it!
T-Rex: I'm afraid it was all an illusion!
T-Rex: When I feel intrigued, I have to say "How intriguing!" or "Guys, I'm really intrigued right now" because I can't express it through my face. Watch! Say something intriguing.
Utahraptor: Um - geez, I can't do it on demand.
T-Rex: Well it probably wouldn't have worked.
God: OKAY WELL IT LOOKS LIKE I LOST BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO ASK TO BE PURPLE
T-Rex: Why?! Purple doesn't rhyme with "machine".
God: YEAH ANYWAY NOW I'M DOWN A TRILLION LIFETIMES OF FRIED CHICKEN
God: THANKS T-REX
God (punchline): YOU AND YOUR FRIGGIN EYEBROWS
|
|
697 | everyone needs to stop walking in on me while i'm naked and rubbing soap all over my wet body >:| | T-Rex: What is the deal with everyone walking in on me while I'm having showers? This has gone well beyond random chance and I am at a loss to explain it.
T-Rex: Everyone needs to stop walking in on me while I'm having a shower, please!
T-Rex: And with that, I'm off to go have a bath or something.
God: HEY T-REX WHAT WAS THAT
God: WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO AGAIN
T-Rex: Nowhere, dear friend! I am off to - go sit and - read a book. About... famous deserts of the past!
God: SWEET
T-Rex: MAN! It almost happened just there!
Utahraptor: What almost happened?
T-Rex: This new "LETS SPY ON T-REX IN THE SHOWER" problem that everyone seems to have - and now God's in on it too! I don't understand. Also I just realized I lied to God about reading a book.
Utahraptor: I think there's posters in the library warning about that.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): Somebody's in here!!!
|
|
699 | really, it's unfair that utahraptor's plan didn't work, because more wishes is a very reasonable thing to ask for. a lot of problems could be solved with more wishes. | Narrator: EVERYONE GETS ONE WISH IN THIS COMIC!
T-Rex: I wish for justified happiness!
Narrator: GRANTED!
T-Rex: Woooohoooo!
Dromiceiomimus: I wish for worldwide peace and love with no negative consequences!
Narrator: GRANTED!
T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Hooray!
Utahraptor: I wish for more wishes!
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex: Oh man, ouch! Shot down! Looks like no wishes for you!
Utahraptor: This sucks!
T-Rex: Should've wished for ice cream, my friend!
Narrator: THE WISHES WEAR OFF IN THREE SECONDS!
T-Rex (punchline): MY EUPHORIA!!
|
|
700 | IT'S NOT ACTUALLY THAT ATTRACTIVE BUT EVERYONE SAYS IT IS BECAUSE OF COLONIALISM | T-Rex: Oh, it's true! If it was even MARGINALLY in style, I would grow mutton chops.
Narrator: TRUE CONFESSIONS OF T-REX
Dromiceiomimus: Aw, T-Rex, you'd be one of those guys with deliberate facial hair?
T-Rex: In a second! I love the grizzled prospector look. Actually, no, that's not even true - I love PRETENDING to be a grizzled prospector. The facial hair would just be the grizzly icing on the prospector cake!
Utahraptor: I really don't think it would be that fetching a look on you, T-Rex!
T-Rex: That's okay! I have backup plans.
T-Rex: Backup plan "A" is labelled "handlebar moustache"!
Utahraptor: You really wish you were a hairy guy born a hundred years ago, don't you?
T-Rex: Sometimes I do! I wonder what it'd be like.
God: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW T-REX BECAUSE I COULD SHOW YOU WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE
T-Rex: Really?
God (punchline): YEAH BASICALLY YOU DIE OF SYPHILIS AT 30 BUT YOU LEAVE THIS TOTALLY HAIRY CORPSE
|
|
701 | yeah so fantasy land actually kinda sucks | T-Rex: Dating both twin sisters at the same time:
T-Rex: Hot? Or just, in fact, KIND OF WEIRD?
T-Rex: I'm afraid that I fall on the "kind of weird" side of the fence this time. While I'm usually strongly in favour of the hot makeouts, they're sisters! It's like they've made out with each other, through proxy. Transitive makeouts!
Utahraptor: I really don't see how you're getting this!
T-Rex: What's not to get? Twins! Proxies! Transitive closure!
Utahraptor: Well it's just - if you were a dude dating, say, identical twin sister swim-team captains, I can imagine you reacting a little differently.
T-Rex: Things would indeed be different...
Narrator: FANTASY LAND:
T-Rex: Keep on swimmin', ladies, because I love you both super equally!
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE.
|
|
702 | if you are a dude who thinks puberty actually is a nightmare, then sorry for reminding you :( | T-Rex: I've never had a nightmare! Or at least, I've never remembered them and they've never been enough to wake me up, which amounts to pretty much the same thing.
T-Rex: I'd like to have some nightmares, please!
T-Rex: I want some consequence-free scares and that sense of that irrational creeping terror that I really don't get in my day-to-day life.
Dromiceiomimus: Nightmares aren't really that great, T-Rex. Bad things happen to people you like.
T-Rex: Oh, I know! I know. I just feel a little left out when everyone gets to have nightmares but me! I feel... I feel like the only girl in grade 8 who hasn't hit puberty yet.
Utahraptor: That strikes me as an odd analogy, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Does it?
Utahraptor: Yeah. I don't - I don't understand what you're going for with it. Why are you a girl? And why would you compare puberty to a nightmare in the first place? You've had some success with it.
T-Rex: Hah! I SURE have.
Narrator: EARLY SUCCESSES IN PUBERTY:
T-Rex: Hey, I have unfocused, confusing sexual desires!
T-Rex (punchline): Alright!
|
|
703 | blinking in the afternoon sunlight, already fabricating the first lies of morning productivity | T-Rex: It occurs to me that democracy is pretty unfair if you're not a dude who's in the majority!
Narrator: DEMOCRACY COMICS
T-Rex: It sucks, because if everyone disagrees with you, then you'll never get anything you want. It's majority rule! MOB rule!
Dromiceiomimus: Well, majority rule is sort of the definition of democracy, T-Rex. Not everyone can get everything they want!
T-Rex: Yeah, but what if the majority decided to be totally racist against you? You're pooched!
Utahraptor: People have worried about this before, my friend!
T-Rex: What do they say?
Utahraptor: Well, what you're worried about is called the "tyranny of the majority", and it's usually countered by the observation that there's at least a push for minority rights being respected in a democracy, since we're all minorities in one way or another.
T-Rex: Right! Like how I'm in a minority because I sometimes like to sleep in on weekends.
Off panel: Actually, I'd say most people like to do that, T-Rex.
T-Rex: Really? Are you serious??
T-Rex (punchline): Have all my years of sleepy shame been for naught?
|
|
704 | mom, dad, i've got the golly gosh-darned scurvy. | T-Rex: Vegetarians are chicks and dudes who don't eat a lot of meat for some reason or whatever!
Narrator: DIFFERENT TYPES OF VEGETARIANISM
T-Rex: First off, you've got your lacto-ovo vegetarians, who don't eat meat but do eat eggs and milk. There's also lacto vegetarians and ovo vegetarians. Then you've got your vegans, who don't eat meat or ANY animal products, so eggs, honey, milk, and cheese are out, and even leather sometimes. For - for shoes.
Dromiceiomimus: And pants?
Utahraptor: My favourite are the freegans!
T-Rex: Where you be vegetarian for free?
Utahraptor: Close! It's where you don't eat meat unless you're given it for free, like from a dumpster. You prevent meat from going to waste, but you don't support its production.
T-Rex: That sounds close to flexitarians, who only eat meat when being vegetarian would be rude or inconvenient!
T-Rex: Now, I myself am a tremendomeatatarian, which means that I only eat meat that I find to be tremendously delicious!
Off panel: I've seen you eat fruits and vegetables!
T-Rex (punchline): Yes. On account of the golly gosh-darned scurvy.
|
|
705 | My old home town of Ottawa spent $200,000 on a new slogan for the city, and the best they could come up with was 'Technically beautiful'. It was very embarrassing to us all. I think the guy who suggested the slogan got a new bike, if memory serves. | T-Rex: I am a dude in need of a catchy slogan. Something to put under my name on business cards to convince people they should associate with me and maybe be my friend!
T-Rex: Something like, "T-Rex: Your Man In ANY Situation!"
Dromiceiomimus: That probably sounds more sexually permissive than you intended, T-Rex.
T-Rex: It is a work in progress!
Dromiceiomimus: Okay! How about, "T-Rex: Better Than You Might Expect"?
T-Rex: Hah! No, I'm actually looking for slogans that are POSITIVE.
Utahraptor: "T-Rex: Not A Pedophile (Just So You Know)"?
T-Rex: Man, that's not positive either!
Utahraptor: How about "T-Rex: Your Shortcomings and Regrets, Personified!"
T-Rex: That's even less positive than the first one!!
Utahraptor: "T-Rex: That Awful Taste in your Mouth, First Thing in the Morning"
T-Rex: No! I'd be a tasty taste in the morning!
Narrator: LATER:
Off panel: "T-Rex: Like Waking Up Covered in Someone Else's Blood, But In A Good Way"
T-Rex: I HAVE LONG SINCE STOPPED SOLICITING SUGGESTIONS, UTAHRAPTOR.
T-Rex (punchline): Not bad, though!
|
|
706 | t-rex you're kind of ripping off your own haiku there but WHATever man | T-Rex: The city was dark - too dark. The kind of dark that could drive a man insane.
T-Rex: As I parked my retro car outside of my detective agency, I felt for the cool weight of my gun!
T-Rex: Not just cool temperature-wise, but cool in that it made me look good. Too good. But I had to look good, because my first case of the day was my ex-wife, Fran. Turns out she was bein' blackmailed. Couldn't say by who, but I had a pretty good idea of who it might be. The night was turning out to be a real night... to remember.
Utahraptor: T-Rex, enough! Is this story supposed to have a case of the sucks?
T-Rex: No! Of course not!
Utahraptor: You're kidding me, right? It's stereotypical, but it's like you're not really sure what the stereotypes are. It reads like a parody where they forgot to put in any jokes! Also, is it night or day in the story?
T-Rex: Whoah, ouch! Last time I narrate any of my stories for you, Mr. Critical Pants!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Oh right, Utahraptor's having trouble with this dude he's been seeing! I forgive his critical outburst.
Narrator (punchline): "TROUBLE AT HOME?"
|
|
707 | based on a true story (yesterday i was mind controlled by a smelly enemy) | T-Rex: I have discovered that I have a weakness. Me! And though I should probably keep it a secret from my enemies, I will say what it is.
T-Rex: Smell associations!
Dromiceiomimus: That's a pretty okay weakness to have, isn't it?
T-Rex: Is it? I can be swayed by SMELLS. I loved swimming pools as a child, and now the smell of pool chlorine gives me happy memories of swimming!
Dromiceiomimus: So?
T-Rex: SO, what if there was an evil politician who smelled like chlorine? I might vote for him, against all better judgement!
T-Rex: I can be mind controlled by smelly enemies. I'm a danger to myself and everyone I know!
Utahraptor: That's absurd, T-Rex!
Utahraptor: You're worried that there'll be a politician, an evil politician, and once you get a whiff of his chlorine scented ways your pupils will change into little cartoon swimming pools and you'll rush to the nearest polling station to vote for him.
T-Rex: Yes. This is my concern.
Narrator: FUN FACT: THAT'S NOT HOW SMELL ASSOCIATION WORKS AT ALL!
T-Rex (punchline): You don' know me!
|
|
708 | to clarify, t-rex plans to theorize that the people responsible for the postal service built their system such that it would take financial advantage of information-theoretic properties of lossy networks :0 | T-Rex: FUN FACT: Did you know that if you're in a situation where your messages have a chance of being lost or misunderstood, then you can never fully share information with someone?
T-Rex: It's totally true, even if all the messages arrive unmolested!
T-Rex: So Dromiceiomimus, imagine I'm sending you a letter that says "hi". You get it, so now we both know that I said "hi", but only you know that YOU know that I said "hi". So you send a letter that says "got it", which I get - but then I know that you know that I said "hi", but you don't know that I know that YOU know that I said "hi". And so on!
T-Rex: We go back and forth sending "I got your 'I got it'" letters forever!
Utahraptor: So plausible, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Well, of course we wouldn't ACTUALLY do that, but the point is that we can never know the exact same information, unless it's 100% guaranteed that messages aren't lost or garbled. But the mail isn't like this!
Utahraptor: Oh man, this is just another one of your dumb postal service conspiracy theories!!
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST:
T-Rex (punchline): I plan on developing SEVERAL crazy theories about the postal service.
|
|
709 | for instance, in a book if the main character dies you can't go back and re-read the last few pages over and over again for like two hours trying to get him to survive, before finally throwing the book away in disgust because that last page is friggin impossible | Devil: GREETINGS T-REX HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED PLAYING A RAIL SHOOTER VIDEO GAME
Devil: IN MY OPINION THEY ARE A COMPELLING FORM OF ELECTRONIC ENTERTAINMENT
T-Rex: I have not. Okay?! Let's talk about something else!
Devil: IN SUCH GAMES THE COMPUTER CONTROLS YOUR MOVEMENT BUT YOU CONTROL THE SHOOTING OF YOUR ENEMIES AS THEY APPEAR ON SCREEN
Devil: I BELIEVE IT TO BE A CONSTRAINED GAMING EXPERIENCE BUT IN A SENSE A MORE CINEMATIC ONE THAT RAISES THE ISSUE OF WHAT VIDEO GAMES SHOULD BE
T-Rex: Aw man! FINE, I'll ask. Video games should be video games, shouldn't they?
Devil: SOME SUGGEST THAT VIDEO GAMES SHOULD TELL STORIES LIKE FILMS OR BOOKS
T-Rex: Well, I don't.
Utahraptor: Don't what?
T-Rex: Don't believe that video games can be judged by the same standards as films. It's the Devil again. I think he's trying to convince me to play a video game with him where you don't get to move.
Utahraptor: Sounds like fun!
T-Rex: Right.
Devil: IF YOU ARE UNINTERESTED IN HEARING MY TREATISE ON COMPUTER CONTROLLED STORYTELLING I WILL FIND A MORE RECEPTIVE AUDIENCE
T-Rex: Please do!!
Devil: BUT I CAUTION YOU
Devil (punchline): I WAS QUITE CLOSE TO REVEALING RARE AND POWERFUL CHEAT CODES
|
|
710 | LONG STORY | T-Rex: I have a friendship crush on all my friends. They're great!
T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus! I have a friendship crush on you!
Dromiceiomimus: Well, thank you T-Rex. You're not so bad yourself.
T-Rex: A friendship crush is where you really like a friend, but it's not necessarily sexual, but everyone makes jokes that it's totally sexual, because you like to hang out all the time.
Dromiceiomimus: Got it!
Utahraptor: Do you have a friendship crush on me, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Yep!
T-Rex: But you're not supposed to ask. That makes you seem needy! It causes my friendship crush to fade a bit!
Utahraptor: Oh no!
T-Rex: But your regret is bringing it back. Revitalizing it! No - yes. Yes! The friendship crush is restored!
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER COMIC:
T-Rex (punchline): S - Sapphists?
|
|
711 | t-rex is not telling the truth. in 1998, he was quite impressed with a flower that bloomed only once a year, and that smelled septic while doing so. | T-Rex: If I were to be reincarnated, I would like it to be as one of those big machines that eats smaller machines for an audience.
Narrator: T-REX IN: REINCARNATION COMICS
T-Rex: What? They're awesome.
Narrator: BUT THEN!
Utahraptor: Does reincarnation work on machines?
T-Rex: What, you're going to shoot down my idea?
Utahraptor: No, I've just never heard reincarnation including things that, you know - aren't alive.
T-Rex: Some people believe that you can come back as plants! They're BARELY alive.
Utahraptor: They support the entire food chain!
T-Rex: BARELY. So barely! I've seriously never been impressed with a plant.
Off panel: Even sunflowers? They tilt to follow the sun!
T-Rex (punchline): Don't get me started about sunflowers. God! Their salty, boring seeds!
|
|
712 | t-rex isn't - he isn't really sure what god wants him to say. | T-Rex: Okay, I may have been a little hard on plants. I concede that, yes, there ARE some plants that actually do some cool things.
Narrator: AN APOLOGY TO PLANTS
T-Rex: FOR EXAMPLE: there's some dogwood plants that have tiny flowers which bloom, explosively, in something like half a millisecond! In doing so, they accelerate their pollen at rocket speeds and blast it out at over four meters per second. That's some fast pollen! And I am not a dude who's gonna say that naturally weaponized flowers aren't cool.
T-Rex: And, I SUPPOSE, plants that cure diseases are pretty alright too.
Utahraptor: A retraction!
T-Rex: Well - I realized that I do want plants on my side, even if most of them just sit there. And I do think it's kinda neat how some can turn dirt into strawberries. I've got nothing against strawberries!
Utahraptor: You love strawberries.
T-Rex: I do love strawberries.
God: HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE STRAWBERRIES T-REX
T-Rex: I don't know. A lot? They're alright.
T-Rex (punchline): To - to fully understand my love of strawberries is to fully understand the unblinking eye of madness?
|
|
713 | and why is it suddenly so ILLEGAL? | T-Rex: I am sick, but not in a good way. In a sore throat way. I am well and truly under the weather!
T-Rex: Me! Sick!
T-Rex: I never get sick. My sculpted body is invincible to all but the strongest strains of disease and malcontent!
Dromiceiomimus: You got sick a few months ago, remember? Nobody was allowed to kiss you?
T-Rex: Okay yeah, but this is a REAL sickness! This is a serious "I should stay in bed so I don't INFECT MY FRIENDS" sickness.
Utahraptor: Aw man, are you infecting us right now?? Go back to bed!
T-Rex: No, but -
T-Rex: But I thought we - we could get through this disease... together?
Utahraptor: Hah! Nuh uh! You thought you were bored resting in bed, so you'd come out out here entertain yourself by talking to us! Meanwhile WE'RE getting disease all up in our trouser shorts.
Narrator: SOON EVERYONE GETS SICK AND IT'S ALL T-REX'S FAULT:
T-Rex (punchline): What is this emotion called "criminal negligence"?
|
|
714 | haha yeah there's definitely a stereotypical male fantasy in panel three. women! there's no time for talking about feelings now! we're doing SCIENCE! | T-Rex: I wonder what it's like to break up with somebody over the phone. There's one way to find out!
Narrator: IT WILL ALL END IN HEARTBREAK
Narrator: a comic
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, pretend that we're dating and talking on the phone, and I'll break up with you, okay?
Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, actually that's something I'm not very clear on. Are we dating?
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! There's no time for talking about FEELINGS now. We're doing an experiment!
T-Rex: Man, nevermind!
Utahraptor: Hey, what's going on? Can I help?
T-Rex: YES! Yes, Utahraptor, pretend we're dating and I'll break up with you over the phone.
Utahraptor: Okay!
T-Rex: "Hello? Hello? I'd like to break up with Utahraptor."
Utahraptor: "Sorry!! Wrong number!"
Narrator: NEXT TIME, ON DINOSAUR COMICS: SOME UNEXPECTED SUCCESS.
T-Rex: Man! LET'S GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME. I dial the CORRECT number, call you, and try to break up, okay?
Off panel (punchline): T-Rex - I don't think it's working out.
|
|
715 | this comic goes out to all you INTP Myers-Briggs personality types in the audience, keep on keepin' on | Narrator: LOGICAL SOLUTIONS TO EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS
Narrator: a comic to solve all your emotional problems
T-Rex: Alright! Who here has some emotional problems they'd like solved once and for all?
Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex! Maybe you could help my friend, whose husband makes her jealous because he maintains friendships with women from work.
T-Rex: Your friend should be less jealous! There is nothing wrong with friendship, and you should tell your friend to be less jealous. Yes - this problem is truly solved, thanks to logic!
Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! I've also got an emotional problem that needs solving.
T-Rex: I am your man!
Utahraptor: How come when people have emotional problems, logical solutions don't usually seem to help, and rather a more difficult emotional solution seems called for?
T-Rex: This occurs simply because these people are placing their emotions over the warm embrace of cold, steely logic.
Narrator: THE END
Narrator (punchline): SO YEAH I HOPE THIS HELPS
|
|
716 | T-REX'S BUSY DAY | T-Rex: I really wish I'd invented fire extinguishers or something. Man!
T-Rex: It would be a great way to be remembered every time someone puts out a fire!
Dromiceiomimus: Another shot at immortality, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Not really! I just would like to be thought of fondly once in a while. Every time someone puts out a fire would be often enough for me!
Utahraptor: Do you know who really did invent the fire extinguisher though, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Nope!
T-Rex: But, you know, that's his fault, right? He didn't CAPITALIZE on it. But I would have! I'd have the extinguishers say "Remember T-Rex? He was so great, wasn't he guys?" every time they were used. Just a soft reminder - nothing too loud!
Utahraptor: Huh.
Narrator: A REVELATION:
T-Rex: ALTHOUGH, people sometimes shout "nooo!" while using a fire extinguisher ON a fire, so onlookers might not be able to hear, OR they might think they're shouting in response to the extinguisher!
T-Rex (punchline): It would only add to the confusion.
|
|
717 | i'm pretty sure that's how it works? | Narrator: SOCIALISM COMICS!
T-Rex: Oh-kay! Socialism is when people share the means of production and stuff. Everyone works together for the common good!
T-Rex: ... for some reason!
T-Rex: Haha! See what I did there, Dromiceiomimus? I implied that socialism is flawed because people don't really have a motivation to share with each other.
Dromiceiomimus: It's a tragic flaw of our characters that we don't share as often, or as equally, as we should.
T-Rex: Yeah, that - that was my joke.
Utahraptor: Making fun of our fundamental flaws, are we? Classy!
T-Rex: Hey!
T-Rex: Holy, why is everyone so touchy about the tragic and fundamental flaws of their nature today? I'm sorry we all don't share enough, but I'm not going to IGNORE it and hope it goes away. I deal with the issues!
Utahraptor: Not hardly! You can't deal with the "issue" of socialism by just summing it up in a few sentences!
T-Rex: True! But I can sum it up in a play involving everyone wanting some of my delicious ice cream cone!
Off panel: What?
T-Rex (punchline): And then we all decide to pitch in and take over the ice cream cone factory?
|
|
718 | the 'Valentine's Day Problem' t-rex is referring to is the problem of what if nobody gives you any valentines! | Narrator: VALENTINE'S DAY EVE:
T-Rex: Okay, this time for sure! I will avoid any troubles on Valentine's Day by simply IGNORING IT. I will deny this manufactured holiday its very existence!
T-Rex: Have I, perhaps, solved the "Valentine's Day Problem" once and for all?
Dromiceiomimus: Aww! That's kind of sad, T-Rex. What if someone gives you a so-bad-they're-good valentine, like those little ones with pictures of cars that say things like "I wheelie like you"? Would you really want to turn those down?
T-Rex: Huh! I actually hadn't considered ironic valentines, which I do like. Hmm...
Utahraptor: And what if someone wants you to be their valentine for real?
T-Rex: Well...!
Utahraptor: Seriously! What happens if a gorgeous, intelligent, funny woman asks you to be her valentine tomorrow? Are you going to shoot her down because you're denying that Valentine's Day exists?
T-Rex: My friend, I will handle that situation by simply "ignoring my principles" and "reversing my position".
Narrator: ANYWAY, T-REX ENDS UP SPENDING VALENTINE'S DAY ALONE:
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Why do they call it "lactose intolerant"? They should call it, "lactose inconsiderate".
|
|
719 | is there a message in my doing a comic about 'singularity' on valentine's day? that seems like a bit of a stretch! you are probably overthinking things. | T-Rex: A singularity refers to a future moment when we create artificial intelligences that are smarter than we are. It's called this because things will be so different, it's impossible to predict past it. Everything will change!
T-Rex: For instance: these smart machines could make even smarter machines!
T-Rex: And so on until we have super duper smart machines that will look on us as mere playthings. Will they destroy us? Or will we merge ourselves with technology, and in doing so become a new, more cybernetic lifeform? Our choices seem limited to either becoming something new, or facing irrelevance and obsolescence!
Utahraptor: So why does a super intelligent AI make predictions impossible?
T-Rex: Because too much has changed!
T-Rex: Also because we're too dumb. It'd be like a dog trying to predict what its owner does.
Utahraptor: I think most dogs can do that with some accuracy, T-Rex.
T-Rex: Right. Well - I've never really been one for "apt analogies".
Narrator: T-REX IS TELLING THE TRUTH:
T-Rex: Check it! Eating food in bed is like - a crappy duck?
T-Rex (punchline): What the heck, everyone?
|
|
720 | an alternate last line has the devil saying T-REX MY FAVOURED FOES ARE THE STERN AND IMPLACABLE COLOURED BOXES OF THE BREAKOUT GENRE and then adding OUR PATHS WILL CROSS AGAIN | T-Rex: Thesis statement: science fiction is a better genre of fiction than fantasy.
T-Rex: Proof: robots are clearly significantly cooler than talking horses!
T-Rex: Conclusion: my thesis statement is correct! Everyone loves robots and everyone is totally bored whenever they hear about horses with souls that talk about feelings. BORING feelings.
Dromiceiomimus: What? I bet you read just one fantasy book and it happened to have a boring horse that talked about feelings, T-Rex.
T-Rex: One was enough!!
Utahraptor: You do know the two genres are closely related, right?
T-Rex: They're actually not!
T-Rex: It is a common misconception that science fiction is just fantasy with a justification for the fantastic elements. What people forget is that science fiction rules and fantasy...
Utahraptor: ...drools?
T-Rex: Precisely, my friend. In three different ways.
God: I DON'T KNOW T-REX I'M STILL NOT CONVINCED THAT YOU CAN DISMISS AN ENTIRE GENRE
T-Rex: Come on, God! Would you rather battle Klingons or trolls?
God: I DON'T REALLY DO BATTLE THAT OFTEN
God (punchline): BUT OKAY YEAH KLINGONS
|
|
721 | it's like chocolate combined with the bones of a dead animal? my friend Patrick invented chocochops in real life a few years ago, and if you want to produce chocochops on a large scale, you should really be talking to Patrick. | T-Rex: I would never want to get pregnant. Having to worry about what I eat because there's a baby GROWING inside me? No thanks!
Narrator: "A MALE PERSPECTIVE"
Dromiceiomimus: There's nothing bad about that, T-Rex! It's a special experience and you could probably stand to eat better anyway!
T-Rex: The cravings would be a good excuse for eating all the damn bread, but still! Too much RESPONSIBILITY. I'm dangerously carefree!
Utahraptor: Why are we talking about this?
T-Rex: No reason, just - sharing!
Utahraptor: Well as none of us can get pregnant because, oh hey, we're not female mammals, it's not something I'd expect you to worry about! "I'd never want to be a dividing cell, because there'd be two of me and we'd be tiny." -T-Rex.
T-Rex: I don't recall saying that!!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: "I have smelly pants." -Utahraptor.
Off panel: "I love the taste of chocochops!" -T-Rex?
T-Rex (punchline): Man! They are moulded chocolate pork chops with a real pork chop bone. Am I now to apologize for BRILLIANCE?
|
|
722 | t-rex got a positive mention of his 'problem solving skills' on grade three report card, and NEVER FORGOT | T-Rex: People are sad sometimes, and that makes me very sad. Therefore, I will dedicate my memorable "problem solving skills" towards solving the problem of sadness once and for all!
Narrator: WAYS TO BE HAPPY
T-Rex: Way to be happy #1: amnesia! Forget your problems!
T-Rex: This has the problem of robbing you of your present, history, and self, however. Most people like those things! So Method #2 is using happiness-inducing DRUGS and ALCOHOL.
Dromiceiomimus: That seems to have many of the same limitations as Method #1!
T-Rex: TRUE. But I have other methods! Method #3 is having a rewarding and satisfying professional and personal life. Tada!
Utahraptor: But that's more a definition of happiness than a guide to achieving it, T-Rex!
T-Rex: OKAY.
T-Rex: Luckily, I still have Method #4, which is to set unreasonably low expectations for everyone, including yourself.
Utahraptor: THAT only works if you're euphoric whenever expectations are met.
T-Rex: MAN! EVERYONE is making it really hard for me to solve the eternal problem of unhappiness!
Narrator: BUT THEN, INSPIRATION! A PERFECT SOLUTION FOR ENDLESS JOY!
T-Rex: W-...
T-Rex (punchline): Wildly misinterpret your own despair?
|
|
723 | you could be remembered as The Dude who Had A Cuss for every Occasion | T-Rex: Everybody wants to be remarkable! Here are some awesome ways to be remarkable:
T-Rex: The first is to go further in something than anyone has before!
T-Rex: For example, maybe you could eat a whole lot of goldfish or swallow tons of orange juice? Simply think of something people already do, then think of a reasonable limit to that activity, and THEN shoot past it! It's the "go further than anybody else would ever want to" technique!
Dromiceiomimus: Remarkable?
T-Rex: Precisely!
Utahraptor: Do you think everyone wants to be remarkable, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Aww! Shooting down my ideas?
Utahraptor: No! I didn't mean to. I was just wondering if you thought everyone wants to be unique, or if some can be satisfied with just a simple life, quietly well lived.
T-Rex: Well, I suppose the idea of remarkability ties in with a desire for fame, which I SUSPECT is merely a corruption of wanting to be respected.
T-Rex: So yeah! I can see wanting to be respected but not wanting to be remarkable - it almost seems nobler than otherwise.
T-Rex: Anyway!
T-Rex (punchline): You can ALSO be remarkable by, holy shit, memorably cussin'!
|
|
724 | so tempted just put up panel 1 and nothing else | T-Rex: Hey, God, would you still hang out with me if I didn't have any friends?
God: HAHA NOPE
Narrator: WHAT IF I HAD NO FRIENDS COMICS
Narrator: starring t-rex the dinosaur
T-Rex: I'm serious! I figure it's harder to make that first friend than it is to make the 20th, and I'm concerned that if I moved to a new town where I didn't know anybody, I wouldn't have any friends.
Dromiceiomimus: You're good at making friends though, T-Rex! You're not shy!
T-Rex: But that's just it - I'm just not shy around FRIENDS! It is a catch 22 in my social life!
Utahraptor: Well, how did you make friends the first time?
T-Rex: I don't remember, man!
T-Rex: I must have been two years old or something. But I've used that first friend as a seed to get me all my other friends and now I have this irrational fear that my house of cards will come crashing down around me!
Utahraptor: Hah! Looks like you'd better be EXTRA nice to us then!
T-Rex: Wait. Wait - I have the solution! All we have to do is make a legally binding promise to be best friends forever, purely out of fear of being alone!
T-Rex (punchline): T- That's attractive, right?
|
|
725 | <3 library scientists | T-Rex: I am no longer worried about not having any friends if I move to a new town. I have turned a crisis into an opportunity! An opportunity...
T-Rex: ... for personal reinvention!
T-Rex: The key is that nobody will know me in this new town, which means I could be whomever I want! If I present myself as a grizzled prospector, no one will be able to say otherwise! I could be a race car driver! I could be a LIBRARY SCIENTIST.
Dromiceiomimus: But - you couldn't get a job at a library, because you wouldn't ACTUALLY know library science.
T-Rex: But I could pretend!
Utahraptor: So you'd move to a new town just to start a life of LIES?
T-Rex: Yes!
T-Rex: I mean no! It wouldn't be lying: it would be REINVENTION. I would be the Star Trek: The Next Generation to my present "original series".
Utahraptor: But instead of androids you'd have prospectors, and fake librarians.
T-Rex: Yes! In all seriousness, it would let me put behind myself aspects of my past that I'm not happy with.
Off panel: Like chocochops?
T-Rex (punchline): Like everything I've EVER DONE WRONG OH GOD
|
|
726 | t-rex hasn't seen anything like that in a whole month of sundays | T-Rex: I like people whose names tell short stories, like "John Went". Where'd he go? Ha ha ha!
T-Rex: I don't know!
T-Rex: I also like people whose names are verbs, like "Pat" and "Mary", sort of. And I really like people whose names are nouns and verbs AND adjectives, like... "Pine".
Dromiceiomimus: I don't think anyone's ever been named "Pine", T-Rex.
T-Rex: Well, perhaps the name is SO AWESOME that people are simply saving it for the appropriate child!
Utahraptor: What about people who are named after their species?
T-Rex: It's alright!
T-Rex: I kind of wish my name was a verb too, though, instead of just being a noun. You can't T-Rex something. I've tried. It doesn't work.
Utahraptor: You can Utahraptor something though. Watch!
Narrator: SOON.
T-Rex (punchline): My GOODNESS.
|
|
727 | arguably, the best form of spying | Narrator: MORE REGRET
T-Rex: I regret spilling a glass of ginger ale on an architect!
Dromiceiomimus: I regret the first time I met someone with a thick accent: she was older than I, and we had a little trouble communicating initially, because of the accent. But as I repeated myself to her I found myself unintentionally speaking both slowly AND loudly. I only did it for a little while, and as soon as I realized it I stopped, but I still felt ashamed. I was talking to her like she was dumb, just because of the accent! I was the stereotypical ignorant racist.
T-Rex: Aw MAN! Dromiceiomimus wins the regret competition AGAIN!!
Utahraptor: We're out of our league!
T-Rex: We need to do some Olympic-class screw ups and feel REALLY bad about them if we're ever going to win.
Utahraptor: I know, I know! But it seems she's got a regret for every occasion. How can we compete with that?
Narrator: LATER, PROFANELY SPYING ON DROMICEIOMIMUS:
T-Rex: She's just sadly staying at home, Utahraptor! Man! She's probably regretting things RIGHT NOW!
T-Rex (punchline): Fuck me!
|
|
728 | i am popular at the parties of strangers | T-Rex: Hysteria was once thought to originate in the womb ("hystera" is the Greek word for "womb"). This had the nice side-effect of making men immune to it!
Narrator: A HISTORY OF HYSTERIA
T-Rex: It was thought to be caused by the malfunction, or sometimes just the presence, of the uterus. Women were crazy because their wombs were so wacky! People went as far to suggest that women should not be taught, because enlarging the brain would shrink the womb, making them useless as mothers and even MORE hysterical. Treatment sometimes included genital massage!
Utahraptor: You sure know a lot about the history of hysteria, T-Rex!
T-Rex: It's true!
T-Rex: And it's why I never call a woman OR a joke "hysterical". I don't want to be accused of tacitly endorsing historically institutionalized sexism!
Utahraptor: Hah! I might accuse you of that just for fun.
T-Rex: Aw, MAN!
Narrator: T-REX DECIDES TO EXCISE THE "HYSTERA" ROOT ENTIRELY FROM HIS VOCABULARY, JUST TO BE SAFE:
T-Rex: So I hear you're having a minuswomb operation?
Off panel: Excuse me? I'm having a hysterectomy.
T-Rex: Yes! A "uter-b-gone".
T-Rex (punchline): A womboval?
|
|
729 | 22 minutes of all these adorable babies just crawlin' around, sporting monocles | T-Rex: I saw the greatest TV show last night. It ruled!
T-Rex: It SUCKED!
T-Rex: I am using the second "it" to refer to my entire experience watching the show, of course, and not to the show in particular. The program was exactly the sort of thing I had long wanted to see on television! I HAD vaguely sort of planned to maybe try my hand at writing television, but there's no point now, because the talent behind last night's episode have accomplished all that I would have liked to have done. THANKS, TELEVISION INDUSTRY.
Utahraptor: I would like to extrapolate this up to the societal level!
T-Rex: Please do!
Utahraptor: WELL! Things are great for society but it sort of sucks for the individual, because we can flawlessly record and cheaply reproduce all transcendent artistic work. So as an artist, you no longer have to be the best in your village, you have to be the best in the world!
Off panel: But - I suppose it's not quite as bad as all that, since different people DO have different tastes. What was the name of this show you liked so much?
T-Rex (punchline): "Babies Sporting Monocles"?
|
|
731 | utahraptor has already heard 117 separate instances of poetry today. he is truly at a loss to explain it. | T-Rex: Dear poets, I am sorry I've been making fun of your craft for over 20 years. It is actually harder than it looks!
Narrator: AN APOLOGY TO
Narrator: POETS
T-Rex: I have been trying, UNSUCCESSFULLY, to write a poem for the past half hour. I am trying to capture the emotion of getting up early in winter, during a heavy snowfall, and going for a walk and coming across a set of traffic lights (the kind that switch automatically) controlling traffic that isn't there, traffic that won't be there for hours. The sense of seeing them as art, of watching them through the snowfall in the crisp dusk of a new day.
Utahraptor: So let's hear what you've written so far!
T-Rex: Okay, but I warn you: it is unfinished.
T-Rex: "Once upon a time / Some traffic lights did time / Colours on the snow / Where oh where did they all go?"
Utahraptor: Hah hah! That is definitely the worst poem I've heard all day.
T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well, not if I do... THIS!
T-Rex: "Dancing is crazy; fun to do / Would you like to dance? Yes, you!"
Off panel: That's actually way better than the last one.
T-Rex (punchline): Are there cash awards for poetry, do you know?
|
|
733 | this comic gets a lot funnier if you replace 'fall in love' with 'masturbate' in the first two panels. it's too bad i don't make sex comics! i've already got the first two panels down cold. | T-Rex: Hello! You need to fall in love.
Narrator: TIME TO FALL IN LOVE, EVERYONE
Narrator: what is the hold up
T-Rex: Everybody needs to fall in love! To fall in love is to value another person's happiness above your own, to want to be with them and make your lives together the best they could possibly be. Are you saying you would not like to love and be loved? Of course you would. Your partner is out there looking for you. You should probably get on this.
Utahraptor: Whoah, not everyone needs to fall in love!
T-Rex: You are diluting our message here, UTAHRAPTOR.
Utahraptor: I'm serious! People get so hung up on finding "the one" that they forget everything else. You can have an entirely rewarding life without being "so madly in love" with someone! Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does.
T-Rex: A private room? Oh man, were you just namedropping M.C. MASTURBATION?
Off panel: You can stop calling it that anytime, T-Rex.
T-Rex (punchline): [narrates] How had we gone from love to masturbation so quickly? Had this question been asked before?
|
|
734 | alternate ending: t-rex actually takes it up with god, and asks what the deal is. 'i believe you said this would rule?' he asks, pointedly. | God: T-REX LET'S INVENT AN AGING MACHINE
T-Rex: A what?
God: A MACHINE THAT MAKES PEOPLE AGE REAL FAST
God: COME ON
God: IT'LL RULE
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Tada! The aging machine is completed!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, what have YOU done today? I'VE just made a machine that makes people age, with God's help!
Dromiceiomimus: So what's the symbolism there? Is it called "The Life Machine" or something?
T-Rex: No. No, that would be good but this is actually just a machine that leaks invisible cell-decaying radiation.
Utahraptor: Holy cow! Why would you build something like that?
T-Rex: B-Because God told me to?
Utahraptor: That's insanely dangerous, T-Rex! Geez!! I'm leaving. I don't want to be around a dude who has a LIFE-DESTROYING MACHINE nearby.
T-Rex: Man, you're right! What was I thinking? Well, you can REST ASSURED that I'll be taking this up with God at my earliest convenience.
Narrator: BUT LATER, ALL IS FORGOTTEN:
T-Rex: So yeah! That's why I can never see myself using the word "twincest".
God (punchline): THAT'S FAIR
|
|
735 | you can sneak crying pills into people's sandwiches for illegal weepy shenanigans | T-Rex: I am a pretty satisfactory dude, and yet sometimes, I feel incomplete. The reason for this is simple:
T-Rex: I've never been moved to tears by music!
T-Rex: We have this cultural image of some prodigy beautifully playing the piano while everyone in the audience weeps. If I were there I could only look around in confusion! I like music, sure, and some of it is very pretty, but to cry about it? I wouldn't know where to start!
T-Rex: With crying pills, I guess?
Utahraptor: Hey, do crying pills really exist?
T-Rex: You know, I have no idea!
T-Rex: Maybe they do, but they're just super spicy pills, so people's eyes well up when they bite into them. Anyway!
Utahraptor: Anyway!
Utahraptor: I've seen you cry at movies.
T-Rex: Man, that was because movies can have sad narratives! Music just has a bunch of notes that I am entirely unable to relate to in any emotional context.
T-Rex (punchline): On account of my untrained ears and my magnificent manly heart?
|
|
736 | if you are actually in love with t-rex, and also named mark, then panel 6 is the panel for you | Narrator: WAYS TO MAKE SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
Narrator: in this instalment: "JUST ASKING"
T-Rex: Can you just ASK someone to fall in love with you?
T-Rex: Perhaps not!
T-Rex: But! If directly asking them doesn't work, what about thousands and thousands of implied requests?
Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean?
T-Rex: What if everything I did was expressly designed to make a certain someone love me?
Utahraptor: That's so manipulative, T-Rex!
T-Rex: It's not manipulative! It's ADORING.
Utahraptor: I don't know - I'm really not comfortable with such intent towards love! It all seems so calculating and shrewd somehow.
T-Rex: It's simply directing my self-development towards an end result I imagine my target would be happy with, as if to say, "how about now?"
T-Rex: Wait, did I say "my target"? I meant my soulmate! My sweetheart. My mark!
T-Rex (punchline): My thesis is that when a guy is like, "am I finally good enough?", chicks totally dig it?
|
|
737 | friends, i have bad news! the answer is still actually 'no way'! | T-Rex: I have written a new story, called "Make Way, Here Comes Tiny Chef!"
T-Rex: It's about a tiny chef who makes tiny food for everyone!
T-Rex: And though he's tiny in size, his food is always big on taste. Oh! And there's a scene where he cooks a big banquet for everyone, and it's really good, and everyone says thanks to him all at once, and Tiny Chef says, "Oh, it wasn't any trouble!" Then he smiles and adds, "Actually, maybe it was just a... TINY bit of trouble?" and everybody laughs. Oh, Tiny Chef!
Utahraptor: It sounds like a fun story, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Really! You approve!
Utahraptor: Yep! It's nice to see you writing a nice wholesome children's book for a change.
T-Rex: Whoah, children's book? Mine is a book for adults, Utahraptor. My market is fully-grown men and women who would like to find out just a little bit more about one very tiny chef.
T-Rex: For have we all not woken up in the morning only to ask ourselves "What is it really like, being a tiny chef in a world of regular-sized chefs? Is there no book to explore this tantalizing question?"
T-Rex (punchline): Friends, I have good news! The answer is no longer 'no'!
|
|
738 | it's true! i personally know of TWO people who are doing this 'death in advance' thing. next time you put flowers on a grave, you should check that the person is actually dead! also this advice was probably already appropriate even before people started doing this. | T-Rex: I'm not going to leave what happens to me after I die up to others. What if they put on a weaksauce funeral?
T-Rex: People might equate a weaksauce funeral with a correspondingly weaksauce dude!
T-Rex: Worse, what if they bury me in an UNCOOL part of the graveyard?
Dromiceiomimus: Aww, we wouldn't do that, T-Rex! We would bury you with all the cool kids.
T-Rex: Perhaps! But I've decided to solve this problem ONCE AND FOR ALL by arranging my own funeral, plot and gravestone myself. Tada!
Utahraptor: This has actually been done before, my friend!
T-Rex: Really?
Utahraptor: Yep! It is a growing trend in the "moribund set". People get everything set up in advance! You can even visit your own grave if you want - the expiry date gets filled in when you die.
T-Rex: Spooky!
Utahraptor: Not really, since there's nothing buried there yet! It is pure FORESHADOWING.
T-Rex: Huh! It seems less cool, knowing that it's been done before. But I guess I COULD still visit my grave and pretend to be a time traveller who's changed the past! The whole "Noo! I changed the past!" idea. You know?
T-Rex (punchline): Like I'm surprised at how sucky a time traveller I am?
|
|
739 | I WAS JUST CHECKING MY EMAIL AND THEY CAME UP OKAY | T-Rex: Bisexuality can lead to all sorts of new and exciting self-labels! Labels like "biknowledgeable"! "Bisensitive"!
T-Rex: "Bidisillusioned!"
T-Rex: Hah hah, SWEET. Sorry it's not working out, bidisillusioned dude!!
Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm not sure if this is fair to bisexuals.
T-Rex: But Dromiceiomimus, there's also being bianxious. And being bitraumatized! BISCANDALIZATION.
Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex -
T-Rex: How BISTONISHING!
Utahraptor: I somehow doubt that real bisexuals prefix all their words with "bi", T-Rex!
T-Rex: Of course not!
T-Rex: It's just the verbs. And the adjectives. Anyway, I think I know what real bisexuals do.
Utahraptor: How's that?
T-Rex: For your information, I have read SEVERAL websites on the subject.
T-Rex: For instance, did you know that whenever women are alone they have pillow fights, and then they practise kissing on each other? I've seen the pictures!
T-Rex: I mean - I mean my friend has seen the pictures.
T-Rex (punchline): IT'S FOR A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL.
|
|
740 | i have almost no complaints about rare and brilliant moments of perfect self-awareness | Narrator: EPIPHANY COMICS
T-Rex: Friends are good things to have! They can help you out when you are sad (a psychological benefit), and can lend you money if you need it (an economic benefit)!
T-Rex: It is these positive benefits of having friends that concern me!
T-Rex: I'm pretty sure I like my friends because of the people they are, but what if I'm just kidding myself? What if I really just like them because they're an economic cushion - someone to bail me out, even literally, if I get into trouble?
Dromiceiomimus: Well - I mean, you'd do the same thing for us, T-Rex.
T-Rex: Exactly! We hedge our bets by having friends!
Utahraptor: There are friendships that go beyond this shared benefit, T-Rex!
T-Rex: How so?
Utahraptor: Okay - what about "best friends forever", the people in your life who you'll know will stand by you no matter what?
T-Rex: They are even MORE of an economic benefit! They are get out of jail free cards, people who you can rely on in any situation.
T-Rex: Wait!! My problem's that I'm seeing any positive effect of friendship as income, and thus everyone involved in one as compromised in a conflict of interest. I would only be happy if having friends was awful!
T-Rex (punchline): Thanks, rare and brilliant moments of perfect self-awareness!
|
|
741 | this egg sandwich is breakfast terrorism | T-Rex: I learnt a new phrase today!
T-Rex: "Intellectual terrorism!"
T-Rex: I first thought it was a ridiculous phrase, both on its own and with all the phrases it suggested, like "emotional terrorism" and "pseudo-intellectual terrorism". But if ideas are powerful, then maybe you can terrorize someone with them! Maybe? Then again, "intellectual terrorism" comes very close to saying that ideas I disagree with or find distasteful are wrong, and worse, damaging and weaponized. Whatever, intellectual terrorism!
Utahraptor: How'd you hear a phrase like that?
T-Rex: In just the way you'd think!
T-Rex: Someone didn't like what they were reading, so they defined its contents as "terrorism". I think they were serious.
Utahraptor: It does sort of suggest that if someone said just the right words to you, you'd become instantly paralyzed with a life-shattering fear!
Narrator: BACKSTORY: SUCH A PHRASE EXISTS FOR T-REX, AND PEOPLE HAVE COME CLOSE TO SAYING IT IN THE PAST:
Off panel: The special is chicken masala with rice.
T-Rex (punchline): I AM DEFINITELY FLIRTING WITH FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!!
|
|
742 | alternate ending: t-rex finds an old diary of his while cleaning, flips through it, finds a random entry, and wonders what would ever have compelled him to write the phrase 'brainstorming the castle'. he feels like he'd like to distance himself from his past self. he sits quietly for a while. | T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for cleaning up my house. Goodness!
Narrator: BACKSTORY: T-REX'S HOUSE IS MESSY?
T-Rex: I will clean it up REALLY well. I will mop the floors! I will mop the walls or whatever. I will tear the house down and REBUILD it, metaphorically speaking. I'm illustrating this metaphor by literally stomping on this house!
Dromiceiomimus: That's very apt, T-Rex.
T-Rex: Thanks!
Utahraptor: And - your metaphor includes stomping on women, somehow?
T-Rex: Yes!
T-Rex: For you see, the woman represents years of build-up of grime and dirt. By stomping on her I illustrate cleaning power - not of any household cleaner, but of simply applying yourself!
Utahraptor: To her.
T-Rex: Yes! To grime and dirt!
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Am I the only dude who truly wishes it were possible to clean a house with METAPHORS??
|
|
744 | arguably, our nation's finest natural resource? | T-Rex: Oh yes, I have an idea for the Best Victimless Prank Ever! Plus it'll give a cashier a good story to tell. Dromiceiomimus, you've got to help me on this one!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus?
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, there you are!
Dromiceiomimus: Here I am!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I need your help with a prank. The prank is, we all get some really fake stick-on moustaches even though we're all of age, THEN we put them on and go into a convenience store and we all buy ADULT PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES!! Hee hee!
Narrator: SOON!
Utahraptor: Hey, can I get in on this prank too?
T-Rex: Sure can!!
Utahraptor: SWEET. I'll come in wearing a moustache after you guys leave, but I'll just buy some milk! That way, the guy at the cash'll be expecting me to hilariously buy some pornos, but no, I'll just buy the milk. Maybe some cheese.
T-Rex: Let's do it!
Narrator: LATER: A MOMENT OF REFLECTION.
T-Rex (punchline): Buying this magazine made me feel dirty and ashamed! Have I once again thoughtlessly aided the exploitation of our nation's topless lesbian teens?
|
|
745 | later: batman is so pissed off at the nappy times suggestion that he ACTUALLY BECOMES REAL, just to punch the people who have been sniggering! | T-Rex: Who would win in a fight, Superman or Batman?
T-Rex: The answer is "Batman"!
T-Rex: Anyone who doubts this need only remember that Batman is really smart, and that they're probably wrong.
Dromiceiomimus: Superman has strength!
T-Rex: Batman has BATMAN SKILLS.
Utahraptor: Man, Superman could kill Batman before Bats even knew the fight had started!
T-Rex: Oh, he'd know.
Utahraptor: Only because you're assuming he's omniscient. The dude has to sleep! Superman could laser him from orbit while he's having nappy times.
T-Rex: Batman doesn't have "nappy times"!!
Utahraptor: Sure he does!
Off panel: Every time he sleeps he puts a sign on his door that says, "Warning: Nappy Times! Enter only if you have a valid passport to dreamland!"
T-Rex: OH GOD
T-Rex (punchline): OUR FRIENDSHIP HAS NEVER BEEN SO ENDANGERED
|
|
746 | even the example t-rex gives is fundamentally flawed. who would like to be known as a 'sexual basketball player'? 'sexual basketball' sounds like some game a creepy guy would make up and then try to get you to play with him. what's the deal, creepy guy? | T-Rex: Ladies, your attention please! Are you aware that I'm a predator? Don't you find that ATTRACTIVE? Perhaps, yes? And what if I told you I was not JUST a predator, but also a grade-A...
T-Rex: ... SEXUAL predator??
Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, T-Rex! What the heck are you doing, making jokes about sexual predators?
T-Rex: What? I'm not making jo- OH MY GOODNESS. I honestly didn't even think that it could be read that way! I meant it in the sense of like, a basketball player and then a grade-A SEXUAL basketball player. Not in the sex offender sense!
T-Rex: Aw man!! That's the end of me!
Utahraptor: How's that?
T-Rex: Well - the real meaning of "sexual predator" honestly didn't occur to me until Dromiceiomimus pointed it out, and I had already, um, sort of registered myself on websites dedicated towards keeping track of sexual predators.
Utahraptor: Yep! That would be the end of you!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): Dear audio diary: today I may have accidentally registered myself as a sex offender! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE
|
|
747 | dude's name is 'jacques esqueleto' | Narrator: FUNNY JOKES
Narrator: A COMIC WITH FUNNY JOKES
T-Rex: All right!
T-Rex: Time for some funny jokes!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, here's a funny joke. A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a drink and a mop!
Dromiceiomimus: That's not a very funny joke!
T-Rex: Perhaps you are just listening to it wrong! It's funny because skeletons have no internal organs. Hah hah hah! How is he animate? Why is he thirsty? It sure raises some funny questions!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Man, forget her! Animate skeletons are INHERENTLY FUNNY.
Utahraptor: Even if they're not thirsty?
T-Rex: Of course! I should be able to say "animate skeleton" and people should just start laughing. For my encore I could say "He's thirsty! What a thirsty, thirsty animate skeleton!"
Utahraptor: Imagine that!
T-Rex: Right! "Imagine that!"
T-Rex: Hmm...!
Human skeleton (punchline): [in T-Rex's imagination] i'm really thirsty you guys
|
|
748 | the origin of the idea was that t-rex was having a tiff with his dog and wanted to make him EVEN ANGRIER by talking about replacing him with an electronic pet car that ages somehow. then he was like, holy cow, how come i'm not playing that game RIGHT NOW?? | T-Rex: Hey, have they ever made a video game where you get to control a car and your goal is get it to grow up into a bigger car?
T-Rex: Because they TOTALLY should!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: And so it's like - you need to care for your car to make it grow up into a truck and then an SUV and if you're lucky a monster truck. Maybe a plane. Weird cars grow up into boats.
Dromiceiomimus: So it's like a pet, but instead of being cute, it pollutes?
T-Rex: Yes! People are TIRED of animals as pets. They want cars that age! I know because I played a game once and that's what I wanted.
Utahraptor: But what's the gameplay mechanic? How does it work?
T-Rex: Dude, I already said!
T-Rex: You take care of little cars and then they grow up into awesome cars or stupid-lookin' boats. The end! Fifty points!
Utahraptor: What do you actually DO in the game, though? Do I take my car on nice country drives? Give it drinks of gas and feed it nice oil treats?
T-Rex: "Oil treats"? Come on! It's called "CHANGING THE OIL", and it gets you a +1 happiness in Car Car Simulator Trucko Boat 3.
T-Rex (punchline): Will no-one make my video game dream a fevered reality?
|
|
749 | t-rex is the worst lois lane ever | Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE DROMICEIOMIMUS HAS A SECRET SUPERHERO IDENTITY, BUT T-REX SERIOUSLY KEEPS BLABBING ABOUT IT TO PEOPLE:
T-Rex: What a beautiful, crime-free, vigilante-filled day!
T-Rex: Oh, hello, Dromiceiomimus! I hear you had a... SUPER day today?
Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, sshhh! Keep your voice down!
T-Rex: Whoops, right! I gotcha. I will keep things "on the down low". It's our secret! Our secret IDENTITY!
T-Rex: Our - our secret.
Narrator: SCANT SECONDS LATER:
Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex!
T-Rex: Hey!
T-Rex: Hey, have you seen Dromiceiomimus today? I hear she's got a secret! A secret one might even classify as... "super"?
Utahraptor: Are you saying what I think you're saying?!
T-Rex: No, I'm just SUGGESTING that if a building falls on you, you might want to call her first.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): I seriously just can't stop blabbing about Dromiceiomimus's secret identity!
|
|
750 | this comic goes out to all the people with big enough hearts to take in and care for a totally sucky dog | T-Rex: I have finally come up with a way to become immortal! It's perfect, because I don't even have to do anything except DIE, and I was already probably going to do that anyway!
T-Rex: Yes, all I have to do is be reincarnated. Indefinitely!
T-Rex: Isn't that great, Dromiceiomimus? We can have this conversation as many times as we want! I can stomp on things forever!
Dromiceiomimus: Well - what form of reincarnation are you talking about here? A lot of people believe that if you're bad in this life, you might come back as a lower animal the next time, like a sucky dog or a poo bug.
T-Rex: AW MAN! Sucky dogs? POO bugs??
T-Rex: Poo bugs are SCIENTIFICALLY the lamest sorts of bugs!
Utahraptor: And you're still stomping!
T-Rex: Well, I can't stop now! Besides, if I DO come back as a poo bug, then there's not much damage I can do, right? Maybe I'll get stomped on by some other dude pretty quickly and it'll be SO TRAGIC that next time I'll get to be an awesome T-Rex again.
Utahraptor: I don't think that's how karma works.
Narrator: THREE LIFETIMES LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): Success!!
|
|
751 | later: EMOTIONAL ISOLATION | T-Rex: I have a secret! The secret is that I absolutely ate potato chips last night instead of a real dinner.
T-Rex: Nobody must ever find out my AWESOME SECRET!
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex: So, Dromiceiomimus - what's up?
Dromiceiomimus: Not much!
T-Rex: That's cool, that's cool. Listen, I believe that it's critically important to have three square meals each day, okay? That's what *I* believe.
Dromiceiomimus: Okay, T-Rex.
T-Rex: Awesome.
T-Rex: Well, THAT should throw her off the trail!
Utahraptor: Throw who off which trail?
T-Rex: Oh! Um... throw... women, off the trail of my - feelings?
Utahraptor: Playing it cool, I see!
T-Rex: You know it!
Narrator: LATER: MORE LIES FOR NO REAL REASON
T-Rex: Man, that movie ROCKED, right guys?
Off panel: Not really!
T-Rex (punchline): I dunno... I liked it!
|
|
752 | did you notice how i left the gender of the really attractive friend ambiguous? this is so everyone can enjoy their own mental image. this is because i am a considerate writer who cares about his readers | T-Rex: Dear guy whose car alarm went off last night outside my window at three in the morning:
T-Rex: Forget you, man!
T-Rex: Your car alarm is ridiculous. Years of trigger-happy alarms have trained the public to ignore them, and nobody would care if your tastelessly noisy car got stolen anyway. If someone had driven off in it last night as the alarm was blaring, I would have applauded him! THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY SENSE OF CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY.
Utahraptor: Would you really have been happy if the car got stolen?
T-Rex: The honest answer is "heck yes!"
T-Rex: I would have smiled as I drifted back to nappy times. But in my defence, I was really tired! Plus, the guy was a jerk. He was all, "Man, if my car gets stolen, I want the WHOLE BLOCK to know! My car is totally important to everybody."
Utahraptor: Maybe the alarm came with the car?
Narrator: ANYWAY, THEY TALK ABOUT CAR ALARMS FOR A WHILE, UNTIL A REALLY ATTRACTIVE FRIEND OF THEIRS SHOWS UP!
T-Rex: Oh man! Let's go to the beach and hang out in flattering swimsuits!
Off panel: Sounds like fun, guys!
T-Rex (punchline): Now THIS is what I call "an interesting narrative"!
|
|
753 | who among us has not upset the ph balance in our own stomachs as some sort of blind fumble towards entertainment? | T-Rex: It's time for some embarrassing stories!
Narrator: EMBARRASSING STORIES COMICS
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you have any EMBARRASSING STORIES you feel like sharing??
Dromiceiomimus: None that I feel comfortable telling right now!
T-Rex: Well! I suppose that's fair. I did kind of put you on the spot. Maybe - maybe next time!
T-Rex: And maybe UTAHRAPTOR will have some embarrassing stories!
Utahraptor: Nope! I've got nothing.
T-Rex: MAN! I don't want to be the only dude with an embarrassing past. You must have something!
Utahraptor: One time I got a little lost while driving in a new town.
T-Rex: That is so BARELY embarrassing.
God: T-REX ONE TIME UTAHRAPTOR DRANK TOO MUCH MILK AND WAS UP ALL NIGHT BEING SICK
T-Rex: I've actually done that too!
God: YOU GUYS
God (punchline): YOU OUGHT TO GET TVS OR SOMETHING
|
|
754 | later after that: t-rex, using a pseudonym, publishes a whole series of picture books in which puppies break their legs and then get fired | T-Rex: The saddest thing I can imagine is a kid who's very sick, but who still loves to play marbles in the park! He's got a mobile IV, and one day it gets stuck in a storm drain on his way to the park, and in trying to free it, he loses all his marbles in the sewer.
T-Rex: Aww! I'm sorry, imaginary dude!
Dromiceiomimus: That is pretty sad, T-Rex! If you want some advice, my secret to making things sad has always been in filling out the background details. If the parents gave the kid the marbles BEFORE he got sick, and if this simple luxury was the last they could afford before the medical bills started coming in, that makes it more sad, I think!
T-Rex: It's true! Huh! Thanks for the advice, Dromiceiomimus.
Utahraptor: And you could make it even sadder by turning the boy into a puppy!
T-Rex: Huh?
Utahraptor: A puppy! My secret to sadness has always been to take something sad, and then imagine it's happening to a poor little puppy dog with a broken leg.
T-Rex: It TOTALLY works! I just thought that losing a job would be sad, but a poor little injured puppy losing its job? That's heartbreaking!
Narrator: LATER: T-REX TURNS UP THE CHARM!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I've come up with a new saddest thing ever!
Off panel: What's that, T-Rex?
T-Rex: A universe where we never became friends.
T-Rex and off panel (punchline): Awww!
|
|
756 | an alternate ending had t-rex opening an entire gender-themed restaurant. the restaurant sold things like patriarchy pie, and you might ask, 'was there anything especially patriarchal about it?' the answer is, well, no, not especially. | T-Rex: I will become rich and famous by becoming the world's best baker. My flagship product will be brilliant! It will be rich, delicious, low-fat...
T-Rex: ... gender rolls!
T-Rex: Hee hee! Get it, Dromiceiomimus? They're rolls, like bun rolls, but also GENDER roles!
Dromiceiomimus: So they're shaped like naughty bits?
T-Rex: No, those are sex rolls. Gender rolls are shaped like housewives and firemen!
Utahraptor: And shaped buns will make you rich and famous?
T-Rex: Dude, it is certain!
T-Rex: They're animal crackers for the new generation. Come on! It's a great pun, PLUS, every time you go into my bakery you can choose your own preferred gender roll! It's brilliant!
Utahraptor: Do people HAVE to choose a gender roll?
T-Rex: They do if they want to use the washrooms, dammit.
Narrator: EARLIER:
T-Rex: Hah! I have made a hilarious typographic error!
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] BUT HOW TO PROFIT FROM IT??
|
|
757 | even later: nobody cares about mayonnaise, but everyone loves t-rex's mom! | T-Rex: I have started a radio show! It is an advice show. People can call me and I will give them advice on all of their problems, from being locked out of their house to being EMOTIONALLY locked out of their house in a RELATIONSHIP.
T-Rex: I call it, "I Know! I'll Ask T-Rex About My Stupid Problems!"
Dromiceiomimus: Do you think people will call into a show with that title, T-Rex? They'd be, you know, tacitly admitting that their problems are stupid.
T-Rex: This is a good thing! Stupid problems, like "I bought too much mayonnaise", are easy to solve. (The solution is to give away, return, or consume the extra mayonnaise.)
Utahraptor: But what if people call in with real problems?
T-Rex: Easy: my mom answers them!
T-Rex: We're going to team up. I'll answer the silly questions, and there'll be a feature called "Ask T-Rex's Mom", where she'll answer all the hard questions. Moms are really good at things like that.
Utahraptor: That's a really charming answer!
Narrator: LATER, RECORDING "ASK T-REX'S MOM"!
Off panel: Dear Stranded On The Moon, that's an interesting problem you have there. It's almost as interesting as how a full grown T-Rex could forget Mother's Day!
T-Rex (punchline): Aw MOM!
|
|
758 | T-REX PERHAPS WE CAN DISCUSS THE RELIGION THING LATER BUT FOR NOW WE MUST MAINTAIN OUR EYES ON ULTIMATE GLORY OF THE SPEED RUN PRIZE | Devil: GREETINGS T-REX ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH SPEED RUNS
T-Rex: Only in the drug slang sense, which I'm probably inventing right now!
T-Rex: Is it when people do a lot of "speed" and then run around?
Devil: NEGATIVE IT IS MORE ACCURATELY WHEN ONE BESTS A VIDEO GAME IN THE SMALLEST POSSIBLE TIME
Devil: I HAVE BEEN DOING A SPEED RUN FOR THE FIRST MARIO BROTHERS GAME AND I CAN ASSURE YOU MY BEST TIME SO FAR VERGES ON INSANELY FLABBERGASTING
T-Rex: So this is like a skill people develop?
Devil: INDEED IT IS AKIN TO A VIRTUOSO PIANO PERFORMANCE IN EVERY REGARD
T-Rex: Well, I guess they WOULD be kind of neat to see!
Utahraptor: What would?
T-Rex: Seeing someone go through a video game as fast as they can. The Devil tells me these are called "speed runs".
Utahraptor: Is he talking about machine-aided runs where you slow down the game and restore, or unassisted runs?
T-Rex: Um - he didn't specify?
Devil: T-REX PLEASE INFORM YOUR COMPANION THAT DABBLING IN MACHINE-ASSISTED RUNS IS THE ULTIMATE FORM OF HERESY
T-Rex: I guess you'd know about that, huh? Cause of the whole "religion" thing?
Devil: T-REX
Devil (punchline): PLEASE TRY TO FOCUS ON THE TOPIC AT HAND
|
|
759 | MORAL: if you are in trouble with someone, you could probably do worse than prepare them dinner? | T-Rex: There are some phrases, usually joined by "and" or "or", that we always say the same way even though it would make logical sense to say them another way. For example: "I am sick and tired of these phrases!"
T-Rex: Or am I merely... TIRED AND SICK of them?
T-Rex: Eh, Dromiceiomimus? Pretty awesome! By saying the words of these phrases in the UNPOPULAR order, I subvert people's expectations AND the bolts and nuts of language itself!
Dromiceiomimus: That's nice, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Aw, you're not interested? You just want some quiet and peace? You're not falling for this sinker, line, and hook?
Utahraptor: So - at the end of the day, what does this prove, T-Rex?
T-Rex: That I have BLOWN PEOPLE'S MINDS??
T-Rex: Also: that I have played loose and fast with language.
Utahraptor: Yeah, I mean, I get what you're doing, but what's the point?
T-Rex: The POINT, my friend, is - that you should come over for dinner tonight?
Narrator: LATER: ALL PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED WITH INVITATIONS TO DINNER:
Off panel: THIS IS THE POLICE, T-REX! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATIONS.
T-Rex: Maybe you'd all like to come and have some dinner first?
Off panel (punchline): Sweet!
|
|
760 | meanwhile, in the present, t-rex struggles with the responsibilities inherent with the position of 'el presidente', including a 'tips n tricks' feature for the newsletter, managing the fundraising activities, and being visible in the community. | T-Rex: Sleeping with the window open: second best thing ever?
T-Rex: OR, absolutely the BEST thing ever??
Dromiceiomimus: Man, you must really like sleeping with the window open, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Sure do! I love getting a fresh breeze on my face and smelling the dew on the grass or whatever that night-time smell is. It's great! In summary and in conclusion: if there's a sleeping with the window open fan club, sign me up to be EL PRESIDENTE.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A DYSTOPIAN FUTURE!
Utahraptor: We're out of food!
T-Rex: And ammo!
Utahraptor: What will we do? Someone will kill us soon to take our supplies and eat us probably!
T-Rex: We're doomed! Damn this dystopian future! What kind of world have we made for our children??
T-Rex: Sleeping with the window open still rules, though!
Off panel (punchline): Obviously!!
|
|
762 | although, upon closer inspection, 'What Do You Do When You Want To Give A Loved One A Present That Is Alive' would also make a pretty sweet title. can you imagine? | Narrator: T-REX IN: "FLOWERS IN RELATIONSHIPS"
T-Rex: I am against giving your sweetie flowers when you are in a relationship. Oh God! Think of the symbolism!
T-Rex: The horrible symbolism!
Dromiceiomimus: What symbolism? They just show that you care!
T-Rex: No way! They represent AFFECTION, right? They represent your love. But they die in like a week, no matter what you do! I don't need no punkass flowers reminding me that everything beautiful dies sooner than I want to believe.
Utahraptor: So what do you do when you want to give a loved one a present that is alive?
T-Rex: I buy POTTED PLANTS.
T-Rex: They're still in the ground, so they last for years! Tada!
Utahraptor: Yeah, but they'll still die eventually! All that's changed is that NOW your sweetie has to care for the plants until then, as they represent your relationship in much the same way the flowers did!
T-Rex: True! However, the plants now ALSO serve as a constant reminder of me and how I need water (viz., smooches)!
T-Rex (punchline): I am writing a book called "Relentless Reminders of Physical Neediness: Maybe She'll Like You Now?"
|
|
763 | backstory: t-rex was trying out some new material on the road | T-Rex: Here are some of the worst things I've ever done by accident! ACCIDENT ONE: slapped someone right in the face!
T-Rex: Kapow!
Dromiceiomimus: How was that an accident?
T-Rex: I didn't see them there, that's all!
Dromiceiomimus: And - what? You were just slapping the space around you to pass the time?
T-Rex: WHO CAN SAY? All we really know for sure is that it was DEFINITELY an accident.
Utahraptor: Man, that was ME you slapped in the face, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Hah! Accidentally!
Utahraptor: It was only an "accident" after the fact. Before the fact, you were like, "Hey, Utahraptor, I'm going to slap you in the face. I have been planning this slap for weeks and only now does my plan reach fruition!"
T-Rex: Man, such slander! Your parents should've named YOU "Sweeps Week".
T-Rex: By that, I mean to say that you are doing something controversial and exciting in order to get higher ratings! I'm likening you to a TV show.
T-Rex (punchline): We cool?
|
|
764 | utahraptor gots SERIOUS problems when it comes to not screwing up those two phrases | T-Rex: Primitivism is the artistic and cultural idea that prehistorical and tribal societies were, and are, better than modern societies.
T-Rex: Okay guys! Whatever!
T-Rex: The trouble I have with primitivism is the half-assed way it's always evoked: it's this simplified idea of "primitive" cultures, where some things get highlighted while a lot of detail gets ignored or obliterated completely. All the women were totally topless and all the men wore body paint and hunted with spears! Life was good in the forest!
T-Rex: Primitivism has this strange semi-positive racism attached to it too.
Utahraptor: Semi-positive?
T-Rex: Yeah! You exaggerate traits as you often do with racism, but you make them positive things instead of negative. Natives were better because they were all stoic and noble and loved Mother Nature. Okay, great, but what if you're native and you're not like that?
Utahraptor: Comedy ensues!
Off panel: Whoah, did I say "comedy"? I meant to say "an encounter with prejudice about model minorities".
T-Rex (punchline): Man, you're always screwing those two up!!
|
|
765 | IT'S A NICE PLACE TO VISIT | T-Rex: I wonder what it's like, being an attractive woman. Would I be tired of guys coming up and talking to me just because I'm pretty? Or would I rather find it flattering?
Narrator: WHAT IF T-REX WERE A CHICK COMICS
Dromiceiomimus: You'd also have to deal with sexual prejudice, T-Rex! All your bragging about your sexual prowess and "memorable lovemaking techniques" would probably make people think you're kind of slutty!
T-Rex: No!
Dromiceiomimus: Yes! Some people, anyway.
T-Rex: But - I'm not slutty!
Utahraptor: Well, you talk like you are, sometimes!
Utahraptor: You're always all, "Feelings are boring. Kissing is awesome!" You should make yourself a shirt that says that and wear it all the time.
T-Rex: I would honestly wear a shirt that says that.
Utahraptor: I know! That's totally why I'm suggesting it.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE IS AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN:
T-Rex (punchline): Spring break!!
|
|
766 | incorporate cannibalism ONLY WHEN FEASIBLE, everybody | T-Rex: Zombies! Everyone loves zombies. They are a window onto the Other! They let us face our fears of society in a way that is accessible and compelling, as well as accessibly and compellingly cannibalistic!
God: HEY T-REX CAN YOU SUMMARIZE THAT IN ONE SENTENCE FOR ME
T-Rex: T-Rex loves zombies!
T-Rex: I think what I love best about them is when they're used to represent mindless behaviour in our own society. For example, if instead of me, we saw a ZOMBIE DINOSAUR stomping on this house, then wow! Suddenly stomping on things is highlighted as maybe something we should think about more! Are we really acting that thoughtless when we stomp on things? Thanks for the eye opener, dinosaur zombies!
Utahraptor: I bet you like all your social commentary to incorporate endless hunger for the flesh of the living!
T-Rex: Yep!
T-Rex: When feasible, anyway. I ALSO really like it when zombies catch someone and tear them apart, and the person is all "O no, zombies! My day is ruined!"
Utahraptor: PERSONALLY, I really like how when you wanted something zombies could show as "bad", you chose stomping on things.
T-Rex: Man, that's just because it was a convenient example! I am still ENTIRELY IN FAVOUR of stomping on things.
T-Rex (punchline): In other news, will the illustrative power of zombies forever be fumbled in my mighty hands?
|
|
767 | if you think t-rex's reaction to the pet duck is a little extreme, that's because you don't yet know that it's wearing an adorable little duck-sized sailor's uniform, complete with jaunty blue chapeau. | T-Rex: Occam's razor is a principle of simplicity! It says that one should always choose the simplest explanation for something, when given a choice between competing theories of different complexity.
Narrator: OCCAM'S RAZOR COMICS
T-Rex: Anyway, yeah!
T-Rex: It makes sense!
Utahraptor: That's all you have to say about Occam's razor?
T-Rex: Yep! As I say, it makes sense.
Utahraptor: Huh! Well, I mean - I agree. There's no reason to prefer a more complex explanation when a simpler one has equal predictive power.
T-Rex: INDEED.
T-Rex: Hooray for Occam's Razor!
Narrator: LATER: NOBODY FRIGGIN' CARES ABOUT OCCAM'S RAZOR
T-Rex: Holy crap, is that a pet duck? How do you go about getting a pet duck?
T-Rex (punchline): I MUST OWN ONE.
|
|
768 | i have this argument with my friends where i tell them i believe 'totally make out' means having sex, and they're all, no ryan, it just means making out to the EXTREME, and i say, what's more EXTREME than having sex, and anyway, cool story huh | T-Rex: Time to go back in time and visit the CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION.
Narrator: SOON: THE PAST?
T-Rex: Radical!
T-Rex: Wait, Dromiceiomimus? What are you doing here? I was trying to go back in time to visit the CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION.
Dromiceiomimus: And what, screw things up? You'd probably end up stomping on the woman from which all our species are descended.
T-Rex: I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY THOSE PLANS.
Utahraptor: Wait, you were seriously planning that?!
T-Rex: No! Maybe! I don't know!
T-Rex: I just wanted to visit the most recent common ancestor for all of us - the woman from whom we are all descended, and, you know, chat her up.
Utahraptor: If you messed things up it would completely change the present! If her kids didn't multiply somebody else's would, and everyone alive today would NEVER BE BORN.
Off panel: Also, you want to chat someone up just because she's related to you? That's incest, my friend!
T-Rex: My God, is that what "chat up" means?!
T-Rex: I -
T-Rex (punchline): My God.
|
|
769 | CHECK YOUR WATCHES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! | T-Rex: I have a new philosophy which is terrible AND compelling - arguably, the best kind of philosophy! Okay, so! Some dudes are stronger and/or smarter than other dudes, right?
T-Rex: Right! There are some tough and smart dudes!
T-Rex: BUT, none of them are so tough or so smart as to not be afraid of death (here we are ignoring sage Buddhist dudes who are probably not actually afraid of death). So! In a state of nature, everyone wants to avoid being killed, and so will defend themselves when faced with death. But since we need resources like food and water to live, and they're not infinite, we are constantly warring with one another for access to them.
T-Rex: Everyone is fighting everyone in an ENDLESS BATTLE FOR SURVIVAL!
Utahraptor: And the only way out?
T-Rex: That's for us to realize that war sucks (it makes us die too), and so to give up a little of our freedom in exchange for an ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY who will ensure internal peace and common defence. Tada!
Utahraptor: Wow, you've entirely ripped off Hobbes' Leviathan, in which he says EXACTLY THIS.
T-Rex: Not exactly this! He also says that life in the state of nature was "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short", a compelling phrase unmatched by my poor offering of "sage Buddhist dudes". But I have a better phrase!
T-Rex (punchline): Is it once again time... FOR "SPOOKY PUBES"??
|
|
770 | today is the day i break out the shorts | T-Rex: Here's something that I, T-Rex the talking dinosaur, have trouble believing in: true love!
Narrator: T-REX AND FRIENDS DISCUSS: TRÜ LÜV
T-Rex: The problem I have is that so many people claim to have found it, but the odds that you'd ever meet that one person AND that they'd be available, willing, and of the right gender and sexual orientation are really pretty small. CONCLUSION: a lot of people must be faking it!
Dromiceiomimus: But "true love" doesn't mean that there's only one person you can have it with!
T-Rex: Debatable! People often talk about finding "the one".
Utahraptor: I think that you're being too strict about this, T-Rex!
T-Rex: How's that?
Utahraptor: You're reading it as if there's one "true" person that "true love" can refer to, meaning that you've got ONE CHANCE for total happiness in the world, and loving anyone else is just settling for second place or worse! I've always seen it as referring to, say, how a wheel can be true, when it spins perfectly and doesn't wobble.
Narrator: TALKING ABOUT LOVE: NOT THE SAME AS ACTUALLY BEING IN LOVE
T-Rex: Hey, since when do you come up with such nice analogies for true love?
Off panel: It has always been my special power!
T-Rex (punchline): Man! LUCKY.
|
|
771 | an alternate ending had t-rex calling his tallness a 'body feature' and then listing other features his body had, but it ended up being pretty gross. body features more like BAWDY features | T-Rex: Being tall in a world designed for average people can be sucky sometimes!
T-Rex: On account of the occasional back pain, that is!
Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, you get back pain? Mr. "I'm So Tough I Barely Miss Having Feelings?"
T-Rex: Sometimes! Only when I do the dishes. It's just because the counters at my house are designed for "norms", so I have to bend over to wash things in the sink!
T-Rex: ("Norms" is what I call normal people, AND sets of guys named "Norm".)
Utahraptor: Hey, can we segue this into talking about disabilities?
T-Rex: Sure, I guess!
T-Rex: ALTHOUGH, I'd rather if we didn't. There's a lot of issues and politics around disabilities (can deafness be something to be proud of? What do you make of strangers who volunteer to push you in your wheelchair?), and I'd rather not get involved in the debate via my being "super tall".
Utahraptor: Okay nevermind!
Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS INVOLVED IN THE DEBATE ANYWAY:
Off panel: Be it resolved that deaf couples should not be encouraged to adopt children who can hear.
T-Rex: HEY AN AUDIENCE MEMBER HAS SOME OPINIONS HE'D LIKE TO SHARE
T-Rex: ME
T-Rex (punchline): I'M THE AUDIENCE MEMBER
|
|
772 | shortly thereafter: ralphs | T-Rex: Is it possible to imagine something SO INSANELY DISGUSTING that I actually, physically, throw up? Is my imagination that powerful?
T-Rex: I actually don't think I ever want to find out!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you ever approach something new, and sort of decide if you want to be really good at it, or just a dabbler?
Dromiceiomimus: Sometimes, I guess!
T-Rex: Yeah, I do that sometimes too. You know? Like with painting. I don't think I even WANT to be that good at it. I just like my naïve enjoyment of it.
Narrator: LATER:
Utahraptor: T-Rex! We'll be late for the movie!!
T-Rex: Just a sec just a sec!
Utahraptor: Man, come on! It starts at 9:20 and it's almost nine now and it'll take us about twenty minutes to get there! The ads they play before the film won't last forever!!
T-Rex: Okay, okay! Just a sec!
Narrator: YEARS LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): Aw, darn it! GROSS!
|
|
773 | it's true, even chicks are subject to entropy | T-Rex: SOCIOLOGICAL THEORY: We, as a people, have lost the "big picture", worrying more about problems at home than problems that affect us on a planetary scale! We have lost a sense of global purpose. And I have proof!
T-Rex: Proof in the form of lyrics from POPULAR MUSIC, baby!
Dromiceiomimus: What makes you think this, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Popular music! I just said. Popular music. Because in the 60s it was all, "everyone around the world, join hands", but recently, it's all "people in the house, say 'wayoooh'" or whatever. We are singularly focused on rooms in houses and have forgotten the rest of the world! Theory: incontestably proven?
Utahraptor: Theory: probably just an attempt to somehow pick up chicks by T-Rex?
T-Rex: No way dude!
T-Rex: My theory is both funny AND accurate, and I believe your diss stems from the fact that you're JUST JEALOUS of how I pick up chicks with my fine, fine theories.
Utahraptor: What chicks? Where are all the chicks? We're two dudes and we're alone!
T-Rex: I told you before! THEIR CAR BROKE DOWN. The chicks were all coming to hang out with me in the same car to save on gas, and it broke down. That is what happens to cars sometimes!
T-Rex (punchline): Even chicks are subject to ENTROPY, man.
|
|
774 | SCIENCE CORNER: if t-rex is telling the truth in panel 3, then his kisses must consist mainly of water, proteins, carbohydrates, lipids, phospholipids, and electrolytes. | T-Rex: [thinks] People probably find sleeping in the fetal position comfortable because it reminds them of the womb.
T-Rex: Wait, I'm a brilliant psychologist! ALL COMFORT COMES FROM THE WOMB!
T-Rex: People find hugs comforting because it reminds them of the tight squeeze of the womb! My kisses are popular because they remind people of amniotic fluid in the womb.
Dromiceiomimus: I think you might be doing something wrong if your kisses remind people of amniotic fluid, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Perhaps! But that is a topic for ANOTHER TIME.
Utahraptor: What about people who came from eggs? Like, for example, EVERY DINOSAUR EVER.
T-Rex: Right, right!
T-Rex: Well, I think my points are still valid. I don't know about you, but I do sleep in the "egg fetus" position.
Utahraptor: And your kisses are yolky?
T-Rex: Besides being amniotic fluidy, YES, my kisses are memorably yolky.
Narrator: AFTER THIS, WILL ANYONE EVER KISS T-REX AGAIN? LET'S FIND OUT:
T-Rex: Yes they will!
Narrator (punchline): HAH! AWESOME!
|
|
775 | this isn't breaking the fourth wall, because i currently have planned 'what are you doing in my epilogue' to be my last words, so people can say it in real life or whatever | T-Rex: I don't want anything bad to happen to my friends! I don't want anything bad to happen to people who aren't my friends either, but I don't want anything bad to happen to my friends IN PARTICULAR.
Narrator: T-REX, UTAHRAPTOR AND DROMICEIOMIMUS STAR IN: COMICS!
T-Rex: The odds are that SOMEONE I know will be a victim of theft or crime or an accident or even violence, and that sucks, because there's basically nothing I can do to stop it!
Dromiceiomimus: You COULD stop it if you had absolute dominion over time and space, T-Rex.
T-Rex: You know I don't!!
Utahraptor: You can't really live your life in fear of bad things happening, my friend!
T-Rex: Oh, it's not fear.
T-Rex: It's just - a preemptive sadness, I guess? Melancholy. By "melancholy" I mean "a thoughtful sadness", as opposed to the archaic definition ("a black bile once believed to be excreted by the kidneys").
Utahraptor: I got that from context, yeah.
Narrator: EPILOGUE:
T-Rex: I stomped on people while talking about how sad it is when bad things happen! This is an example of "dramatic irony".
Off panel: No it's not!
T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor, you crazy dude! What are you doing in my epilogue?
|
|
776 | AMAZINGLY, 'wait, no, that sucks!' is exactly what elisha gray said when he heard that a.g. bell beat him to the telephone patent office by 2 hours. | T-Rex: I've come up with the best idea ever! Oh my goodness. LAUNDRY BAGS WITH GIANT GREEN DOLLAR SIGNS ON THEM. Hah hah! Am I robbing a bank in a cartoon or am I doing my laundry?
T-Rex: IT IS DIFFICULT TO TELL!
Dromiceiomimus: Are you planning to sell these bags to people who want to turn every laundry day into a chance for arrest, AND ALSO to those nostalgic for the charming visual shorthands of early cartoons?
T-Rex: I am indeed! Or at least, I was indeed, until I realized that you could just make your own with just a little fabric paint and a working knowledge of what dollar signs look like.
Utahraptor: I actually think this has been done before, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Aw man, really?
T-Rex: I did kinda suspect it might've been done before, since it seemed like a really funny idea, but I've never seen any such laundry bags! I'll just claim to have INDEPENDENTLY invented them.
Utahraptor: Like how Alexander Graham Bell and that other dude both independently invented the telephone!
T-Rex: Yes! I will be that other dude! I will forever be immortalized as a "second place finisher" in history.
T-Rex (punchline): Wait, no, that sucks!
|
|
777 | MMM I DISMISS YOUR CONCERNS AS GRAPE JUICE FROM CONCENTRATE IS CLEARLY A DELICIOUS BREAKFASTTIME TREAT | T-Rex: Utahraptor is afraid of ghosts!
T-Rex: Hah hah hah! Spoooooky!
T-Rex: Utahraptor is afraid of ghosts and his favourite song is "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers.
Dromiceiomimus: I never knew that about him!
T-Rex: It's true! He also bakes way too many cookies whenever he's baking treats and then when he's done he freezes the extras for later.
Utahraptor: I don't do any of those things!
T-Rex: Sure you do!
T-Rex: But allow me to distract you with some facts about Dromiceiomimus: she really likes all kinds of boats. AND, and, she's afraid of heights sometimes!
Utahraptor: Hah hah! Really?
T-Rex: Yep!
God: ZERO OF THESE FACTS ARE TRUE T-REX
T-Rex: I am making life interesting! Also, did you know the Devil likes grape juice from concentrate?
God: HAH HAH
God (punchline): MAN HE PROBABLY DOES EH
|
|
778 | who among us has not seen a giant floating-city cruise ship and not wanted to, you know, just TAKE it? | T-Rex: Wouldn't it be totally neat if life was more like a text-based adventure game?
T-Rex: "You look around and see that the answer is yes!"
T-Rex: It'd be great because people would have solid goals - nobody would be left wondering what to do with their lives!
Dromiceiomimus: But everyone would demand you do favours for them in exchange for inventory items!
T-Rex: Yeah! Plus, we'd have omniscient second-person narration!
Utahraptor: Have you been talking to the Devil, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Nopers!
Utahraptor: Huh! This really sounds like something he'd come up with. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this would be sucky, because we'd all be in bed thinking "get up" and then thinking "I don't see 'up' here", and then thinking "get out of bed", "stand up", and so on, until we hit on the right syntax to get ourselves moving. No thanks!
Narrator: LATER, T-REX COMES ACROSS A GIANT CRUISE SHIP!
T-Rex (punchline): "take boat"
|
|
779 | woo | T-Rex: New bike day is when everybody gets new bikes!
Narrator: NEW BIKE DAY
T-Rex: Woo! New bike day!
T-Rex: And then, after we all get the new bikes, do you know what happens?
Dromiceiomimus: What happens?
T-Rex: What happens is we all receive gold medals for having such nice bikes!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Now, we DEFINITELY have to name our bikes.
Utahraptor: I've got my name picked out!
Utahraptor: My bike will be called "Susan". It's a good name!
T-Rex: My bike will be called "Sexual Intercourse: The Bike"!
Utahraptor: MAN. That's a good name too.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Guys, guys - our gold medals are made of solid and delicious CHOCOLATE!! I'm SO GLAD new bike day truly exists here, in the real world.
T-Rex (punchline): Let's hear it for reality, huh?
|
|
780 | t-rex is not sure where he stands on the conflict in the middle east, but he is FOR mothers with baby carriages being extreme. you might wish to adopt these politics as your own. | T-Rex: I feel like I don't really have a solid opinion on the really big international issues. There's so much to them - so much nuance! How can I have a defensible opinion on something I don't fully understand?
T-Rex: However! I do have MANY unsolicited opinions on smaller, local issues!
T-Rex: Those issues I can understand completely, and there I DON'T feel like someone who just happens to know their stuff better could best me in an argument.
Dromiceiomimus: What kind of issues are you talking about?
T-Rex: Oh, you know - issues like "should mothers with baby carriages be allowed to be extreme."
Narrator: EARLIER:
Utahraptor: Man, did you see how extreme that mother was?
T-Rex: With the baby carriage? Yeah!
T-Rex: She was totally extreme.
Utahraptor: I never saw a mother so extreme. Have you?
T-Rex: You know I would'a mentioned it to you if I had!
God: GUYS THAT MOTHER WAS SO EXTREME
T-Rex: God! Are there yet any laws against mothers being extreme, do you know?
God (punchline): NOT YET NOT TO THE BEST OF MY AWESOME KNOWLEDGE NO
|
|
781 | if you were to ask dreamland t-rex what he'd like, he'd tell you, right away, that he'd like to have just one discussion that didn't take a turn for the friggin' sexy. | T-Rex: Who here had a series of dreams last night where they were back in school and missing assignments? The answer: me, T-Rex!
Narrator: T-REX HAD SOME CRAZY DREAMS LAST NIGHT AND HEY, HE'S STILL TALKING ABOUT THEM
T-Rex: It was nuts! I never had such a stereotypical dream before. I got in an assignment late and was trying to convince the professor to accept it, only he didn't want to and kept critiquing my penmanship. Also the assignment was on pink paper. I think it was the only paper I had!
Utahraptor: I had a weird dream last night too!
T-Rex: What was it?
Utahraptor: I was a teacher with a student who kept handing in assignments late, ON PINK PAPER.
T-Rex: NO WAY. NO WAY.
Utahraptor: Yeah man! And I think the student in question was - GREEN??
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN DREAMLAND!
T-Rex: Professor, there must be SOMETHING I can do to convince you to take this assignment...
Off panel: This dream has taken a turn for the sexy!
T-Rex (punchline): I know!! What is the friggin' deal?
|
|
782 | if you are ever writing a biography of t-rex, you can say "T-Rex is about 25 years old and is a large green Tyrannosaurus Rex. In the future, he is destined to punch out a turkey." | T-Rex: I had the weirdest dream last night. Again! Two nights of memorable dreams in a row: A NEW PERSONAL BEST.
T-Rex: I dreamt I was a cockfighter!
T-Rex: Only, I wasn't a regular cockfighter, who battles his animals against those of an opponent. It was with turkeys instead of chickens, and rather than fighting each other, I raced my own turkey around the countryside. Halfway through the race we started fighting - I would punch and the turkey would hop up and peck me. I remember holding back my punches a bit because I didn't want to be known as the kind of dude who would punch out a turkey.
Narrator: LATER: RUMOURS SPREAD.
Utahraptor: Hey! You punch out turkeys?
T-Rex: No!
T-Rex: That was in a dream. A DREAM. I never actually punched out a turkey.
Utahraptor: I heard that parents should lock up their turkeys, because you'll punch them out!
T-Rex: No!! I promise to never punch out a turkey.
Narrator: YEARS LATER: PROMISES ARE BROKEN.
Off panel: Hey, how come my turkey is unconscious?
T-Rex: Good heavens! I HAVE NO IDEA.
T-Rex (punchline): What??
|
|
783 | there is an embedded midi file of the ghostbusters theme song on endless loop. ARGUABLY, such a feature should be included on every website. | T-Rex: I am a dude with a lot of OPINIONS. Sexy opinions?
T-Rex: Hells yes!
T-Rex: But ALSO, all sorts of opinions, including the UNSEXY. Give me a subject, Dromiceiomimus, and I'll demonstrate!
Dromiceiomimus: Okay - lemons!
T-Rex: I am for them! Citrus is INSANE!
Dromiceiomimus: Premarital sex!
T-Rex: Well, um, you must be both prepared and careful, and decide for yourself?
Utahraptor: My friend, a dude with so many opinions should have his own website, just for them!
T-Rex: Oh wow!
T-Rex: Can I do that? A website just for my opinions? Is that seriously allowed??
Utahraptor: I do believe so!
T-Rex: Sweet!! I'm so doing it. I'm going home RIGHT NOW and making a website with all my awesome opinions! It will REVOLUTIONIZE the internet!
Narrator: WALKING HOME, T-REX HAS AN EVEN BETTER IDEA:
T-Rex: Oh man!!
[T-Rex imagines a website]
Website: [large pink] Dogs
Website: DOES EVERYONE LOVE DOGS???
Website: You can eat them but you shouldn't.
Website (punchline): [animated "under construction" image]
|
|
784 | (t-rex calls his mind the vault) | T-Rex: Am I doing the right thing with my life? What if what I'm doing with my time is actually something I will one day regret? What I NEED is some way to measure regret for every action and career path.
Narrator: TWO SECONDS LATER:
T-Rex: Done and DONE!
T-Rex: All I'll need to do is ask old people about their lives, and measure how many of them regret certain things! This "regret index" will range from 0 (no regret) to 1 (total ultimate regret). With it, I can tell kids today that if you rub spider eggs into your eyes, you're 96% likely to regret it, but if you drink delicious lemonade and pop wheelies, the regret index on that is near 0!
Label: [with an arrow pointing at the house] LOG CABIN: REGRET INDEX .24
Label: [with an arrow pointing at the car] OUT-OF-SCALE CAR: REGRET INDEX .992
Utahraptor: So basically you're just asking people what they liked and what they didn't like?
T-Rex: Yeah!
T-Rex: But "regret index" makes it sound more scientific. I honestly think this could be useful! You could find out how many people are still happy that they memorized every Star Trek episode!
Utahraptor: I know I am.
T-Rex: I, too, remain fully satisfied.
Narrator: EARLIER:
Off panel: "Make it so."
T-Rex (punchline): It all goes in the vault!
|
|
785 | ROCCO AND CHOCO, THE TWINS! WHO! PUNCH! | T-Rex: How come it's not cool to have stories with morals at the end anymore? Are we too ironic and COOL to appreciate a story that, you know, just straight-out tells you what to believe?
T-Rex: Seriously! How comes?
T-Rex: I liked it when you read a story and you knew that at the end, the moral would be spelled out for you in the last sentence, so you'd be sure you didn't miss anything. Does slow and steady win the race? Can this be clarified in the conclusion somehow?
Utahraptor: You're saying you wish more literature was like fairy tales?
T-Rex: I guess so!
Utahraptor: Well, instead of complaining about stories you don't like, why not write some that you do?
T-Rex: YES! And we'll have a "story off" where we write stories and compete with each other!
Utahraptor: Okay. I guess that's what I'm going to spend my life doing today.
Narrator: AT THE "STORY OFF":
Off panel: Once upon a time there was a bashful cat named "Neutron". He had so many fingers.
T-Rex: ADD A LOVE INTEREST!
Off panel: It's my turn right now, T-Rex!
T-Rex (punchline): MY STORY HAS TWO LOVE INTERESTS
|
|
786 | this comic also works if you replace 'hunger' with other emotions, like 'sexy'. has constant sexy robbed you of all identity? then this is the comic for you, my friend! | T-Rex: I wonder: what's the strongest emotion? What's the most powerful emotional experience I can look forward to?
T-Rex: NOBODY SAY LOVE!
T-Rex: Love isn't allowed because it's TOO OBVIOUS. What's the strongest non-love emotion, Dromiceiomimus?
Dromiceiomimus: Hate?
T-Rex: Okay, hate isn't allowed either on account of how it's ARGUABLY the opposite of love.
Dromiceiomimus: Um. Boredom?
Utahraptor: I think the strongest feeling is that of shame, T-Rex!
T-Rex: A good choice, my friend!
T-Rex: But, are you not forgetting the memorable emotion of hunger?
Utahraptor: Hunger isn't an emotion.
T-Rex: Then why do I suddenly FEEL hungry, hmm? Riddle me that!
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE CHILLING "HUNGER UNIVERSE":
T-Rex (punchline): Constant hunger has robbed me of all identity.
|
|
788 | WE MADE A WET SPOT | Narrator: TRYING TO DISCOVER AN ESSENTIAL TRUTH:
T-Rex: I have had a revelation! I am wasting my time trying to discover one ultimate essential truth, when really I should be looking for essential truths, plural!
Narrator: T-REX THE DINOSAUR IN: ESSENTIAL TRUTHS, PLURAL
T-Rex: What's true for you might not be true for me, Dromiceiomimus! Indeed, what's true for me today might not be what's true for me a month from now. I accept that there are many ways of living and that all that needs to be discovered is what is right for me, as an individual!
Dromiceiomimus: Okay! Now I'm late for the dentist!
Utahraptor: Are you serious about this, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Somewhat to moderately!
Utahraptor: Well, there are many ways of living, but those are lifestyle choices, not truths! All you're really doing is applying the label of truth to circumstances, desires and trends. The truths you're looking for are more universal, aren't they?
T-Rex: Well! SO MUCH FOR THAT LITTLE SHORTCUT.
Narrator: LATER, STILL TRYING TO DISCOVER ESSENTIAL TRUTHS:
T-Rex: Maybe it's universally true that everyone likes... to party?
Off panel: WE DON'T LIKE TO PARTY T-REX
T-Rex: Good God! What are you cephalopods doing in my bedroom??
Off panel (punchline): CHILLAXING
|
|
789 | i took the final words of this comic from the final words of the one guy who ever witnessed a dude jump over a pit of bad dudes on a motorcycle, and then while he was over the pit he hopped off the motorcycle and punched out all the bad dudes, and then he hopped back on the motorcycle, WHILE IT WAS STILL FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. | T-Rex: I have gained provisional access to a shortwave radio! Last night I was flipping around and discovered a NUMBERS STATION. Question: how excellent is that?
T-Rex: Answer: TOTALLY EXCELLENT??
T-Rex: If you're unfamiliar with them, Dromiceiomimus, number stations are radio stations that play pre-recorded voices reciting long strings of numbers, often with a short musical cue beginning or ending the segments. They are encoded communication often meant for spies, encrypted using one-time pads!
Dromiceiomimus: Neat!
T-Rex: I KNOW.
T-Rex: I love that I live in a world where I can hear actual secret messages for spies!
Utahraptor: What are they like?
T-Rex: Entertaining and affecting and surreal. Man! Can you imagine waking up one day and finding that all the radio stations have been replaced by a little girl's voice reading out endless strings of numbers? It would be GREAT.
Utahraptor: And menacing.
T-Rex: And GREAT.
T-Rex: It would be like, "Hey, I wonder what's on the radio? Oh, it's '39398 32348 59378 70636'!".
Off panel: Yep! That's what it would be like!
T-Rex (punchline): And then the dude would be like, "IT'S TOO AWESOME MY MIND IS BREAKING"?
|
|
790 | t-rex and i share the same wide smile when we talk about weaponized kissing | T-Rex: I have come up with a perfect way not to believe in anything wrong ever again. Evidentialism!
T-Rex: A belief is justified only if there is sufficient evidence to support it!
T-Rex: Therefore, I won't believe in things like faith healing, because there's no room for faith in evidentialism! I also don't believe there's convincing evidence for anyone having kissed someone SO HARD that both people exploded, so I will have to regretfully concede that I don't believe that's happened yet either. But, at least I won't believe in anything I can't prove! Thanks, evidentialism!
Utahraptor: But - how do you know to believe your evidence, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Dude! It's EVIDENCE.
Utahraptor: Yeah, but this evidence must need justification to be believed. So evidence requires its own evidence, and so you have an infinite chain of proof. This spells disaster for you my friend!
T-Rex: A valid attack, perhaps strengthened by the old "what if we're all just brains in jars" question!
T-Rex: BUT! What if I switch my beliefs to foundationalism, in which I mark a few beliefs as "foundations" I consider to be "self-evident"?
Off panel: Then you have abandoned evidence for faith!
T-Rex (punchline): Faith, AND the possibility of weaponized kissing??
|
Subsets and Splits