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1,220 | when t-rex says "looking at punches", he means, like, the kind of punches that make people sit down and have birds tweet around their head. not the kind that's in a bowl with a ladle. that one is only sometimes. | T-Rex: I have a problem as a reader, as a Consumer of Fictional and Non-Fictional Worlds. My problem is this:
T-Rex: I really don't think dreams are important?
T-Rex: I didn't think that MOST people thought that dreams were all that important, but I must be in the minority, because I keep seeing fiction that uses dreams as Very Significant Symbolism. And the worst is when stories end on these Significant Dreams, because in my mind, I'm thinking "This is ridiculous; when will we get back to the real story? This is entirely irrelevant." and then it's over and I think "Oh. Huh."
Utahraptor: You really can't get past your opinion on dreams?
T-Rex: I can't. Nor do I want to!
T-Rex: They're random firings of sleepy brains. They're stupid stuff that my brain does to entertain itself when I'm not around to make it look at chicks or punches.
Utahraptor: I mean, I agree with you, but I can still accept dreams as a narrative device.
T-Rex: Never!!
Narrator: LATER:
Text: Hamlet II dreamed he was the lead singer of C+C Music Factory. He woke up. "C+C Music Factory?" he thought, shaking his head. "How irrelevant." He then focused himself on the seriously erotic business of being Hamlet II.
T-Rex (punchline): There! Sex AND politics!
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1,221 | the eponymous juliet is 13 in "romeo and juliet"! did you know that? kinda weird, shakespeare | T-Rex: Writing fiction certainly isn't hard. Not when you have tips!
God: FRIGGIN' TIPS
T-Rex: Right. Not when you have friggin' tips!
Narrator: WRITING TIPS COMICS
T-Rex: Sometimes it can be hard to name characters. Here's a tip: name them after other, more famous characters, and add in some Roman numerals! If you want to show that a character is tough, name him Genghis II. If your character is this big lover guy who has fallen for, um, a 14-year-old, call him "Romeo IV"! Hey presto! Suddenly your characters write themselves!
Utahraptor: "Genghis II punched Romeo IV on the nose." doesn't sound like good drama!
T-Rex: Are you kidding?
T-Rex: ATTENTION, EVERYONE! Genghis II punched Romeo IV on the nose!
Multiple off-panel voices: Wow!
Off panel: I really want to hear more!!
Utahraptor: Man, passers by always take your side! It's ridiculous!
Utahraptor: Listen, I'll talk to you later.
Multiple off-panel voices: So what happens next, mysterious stranger? We still really want to hear more!
T-Rex: Um... Genghis II and Romeo IV decide... to take you all to the fair!
Off panel: Yay!
Off panel: Yaaaay!
Off panel (punchline): [small] but i've already been to the fair
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1,222 | let's never talk about death again! | T-Rex: When I die, nobody say "He's at peace now", okay? I'm so serious right now.
T-Rex: Say something better, like "I can't believe he ate the whole thing!"
Dromiceiomimus: What's wrong with "He's at peace"? It's nice.
T-Rex: It's demeaning! It suggests that the whole point of life is to be at peace, like it's this goal that we should all achieve, and I'M kind of a screw up but at least I achieved it by dying! It's like telling the kids who came in last in a three-legged race that the REAL goal was just to finish.
Utahraptor: I think it's supposed to be taken in a "his suffering is over" sort of way.
T-Rex: Oh. Well. That makes more sense.
T-Rex: Did you at least like my comparison of life to a three-legged race?
Utahraptor: It was a little confusing! You need a partner for a three legged race, but you can easily go through life profoundly alone.
T-Rex: Wow. That's - that's true.
T-Rex: *sigh*
Narrator: LATER:
Off panel: [small] Hullo T-Rex! Can I ask you a question? It won't take a minute.
T-Rex (punchline): Oh, Mr. Tusks! Your delightful minute (as in time) and minute (as in tiny) pun has cheered me right up!!
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1,223 | no promises, NINEY | T-Rex: I really don't understand racism. I get it at a "hey, here's what it is" level, but I don't understand how someone can really BE racist. Don't they feel kind of... ridiculous?
T-Rex: Anyway! With this in mind, I am going to become totally racist!!
T-Rex: But in order to keep my friends and Status in Society, I am going to be fake racist. I'm going to be racist against folks who - who say "y'all".
Dromiceiomimus: That's still an identifiable group of society, T-Rex!
T-Rex: TRUE. Plus I too say "y'all" when the situation demands it of me. Okay, I'm racist against people who... wear running shoes to the opera?
Utahraptor: Wow, you hate people who appreciate culture but who can't afford expensive artifacts?
T-Rex: FINE. NO I DON'T.
T-Rex: Look, the whole point was to experience prejudice from the inside. I just need a safe racism!
Utahraptor: You need something random. How about folks who have red hair?
T-Rex: That's genetic! Utahraptor! That's the worst fake racism yet!!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Okay. Everyone, pick a number between one and ten!
Off panel: If I pick nine, you'd better not be racist against me!
T-Rex: HEY. HEY.
T-Rex (punchline): NO PROMISES
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1,224 | all except dr. sensible are newly-graduated medical students known to me. | T-Rex: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH MY ANKLE.
T-Rex: HOLY CRAP.
Narrator: BACKSTORY: T-REX HAS HURT HIS ANKLE!
Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you should go see a doctor, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you have stumbled upon my shameful secret! I - I don't have a family doctor!
Dromiceiomimus: Hey, it's no big deal. You can go to a clinic, or you can look up doctors in your area and make an appointment.
Narrator: LATER:
Utahraptor: So, how's your ankle?
T-Rex: Utahraptor! It's so awesome!
T-Rex: I mean, my ankle still hurts, but I was looking up doctors in the area and there's so many that have awesome names. There's a Doctor Plumber! A Doctor Dinner! A Doctor SENSIBLE.
Utahraptor: Which one are you going to?
T-Rex: Um, the best one of them all??
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Dr. Doctor! What's the latest on my ankle?
Off panel: As I said before, I believe you may have a hairline fracture.
T-Rex: Dr. Doctor!
T-Rex (punchline): I like your name
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1,226 | well, it seems your mortgage application forms are all in order! i like that in a woman. | T-Rex: I've come up with a great way to make any otherwise-flattering compliment totally creepy. It's so easy!
T-Rex: You just have to follow it up with "I like that in a woman"!
T-Rex: An example! Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body!
Dromiceiomimus: Um, thanks, I guess!
T-Rex: Now compare and contrast: Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! I like that in a woman.
Dromiceiomimus: Oh God. Let's never talk again.
Utahraptor: Hey, I bet it works on men too!
T-Rex: There's one way to find out, my friend!
T-Rex: Utahraptor, you're a friendly guy. I like that in a woman.
T-Rex: Wait, hold on; I think I know how to fix this. Utahraptor, you're pretty gay! I like that in a man.
T-Rex: Wait. Huh?
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Your honour, you seem very competent! I like that in a woman.
Off panel: Are you trying to go to jail?
T-Rex (punchline): Are you trying to be... um, everything that I like in a woman?
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1,227 | what you have to picture is a horse raising a hoof like a fist and menacing it at the maiden. if you were already picturing that before you started reading this comic, hey, you're way ahead of the game | Narrator: "HORSES VS. TRAINS"
T-Rex: Ah, the age-old debate! Horses are okay.
T-Rex: If you don't have any trains around, that is!!
T-Rex: Horses eat grass. Trains are huge multi-ton machines that GET THINGS DONE. And then when you think trains are as great as it gets, you discover maglev trains! These are literal HOVERTRAINS that wrote in their diaries, "Screw it, diary! I'm just gonna go as fast as I can from now on!!" and then they go 581 km/h like it's no big deal. NICE.
T-Rex: Horses eat grass, and SOMETIMES, hop over buckets.
Utahraptor: I guess the old stereotype of boys liking trains is true!
T-Rex: Come on, that's dumb!
T-Rex: I like trains because they're big complicated machines that NOT ONLY get folks places quickly, but also, threaten maidens tied to the tracks by mustachio-twirling villains. If horses could do that I would like horses too.
Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure horses CAN do that.
T-Rex: WELL THEN. I GUESS I'M A FAN OF HORSES.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: EXCUSE ME LIBRARIAN DO YOU HAVE ANY BOOKS ON HORSES
Off panel: Yes sir! We have many books on many topics, here at your local library!
T-Rex: THANK YOU
T-Rex (punchline): PRETTY SURE ONE WILL SUFFICE
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1,228 | i used to play this game in high school all the time. it has a good combination of 'rate how much you like your friends' with 'haha maybe i won't call up this person and they'll be like 'oh snap ryan never called me on the last day on earth' and i'll be all, 'HOW DO THOSE APPLES AGREE WITH YOU??'. high school, ladies and gentlemen | T-Rex: Everyone!
T-Rex: Let's pretend the Earth is going to explode at midnight tonight!
Dromiceiomimus: Aw crap! The world is going to explode at midnight tonight!
T-Rex: I know, right? Who are you going to hang out with? If you try to reach a single person who's far away, it means you can't visit people closer to you that maybe, cumulatively, you like more!
Dromiceiomimus: Ah, it's no biggie! I'll just divide how much I like someone by their distance from me.
Utahraptor: Personally, I'm flattered you're hanging out with us!
T-Rex: Yeah, I guess I am!
T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, the planet is exploding at the end of the day. Anything you wish you'd done before you die?
Utahraptor: I mean, YEAH, but nothing I can see through to completion in a few hours.
T-Rex: Personally, I'M going to eat a lot of junk food, since who cares about heart disease now? NOT ME!
Narrator: FIFTY YEARS LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): man, SCREW heart disease
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1,229 | this is called "a grim portrait of a world without backspace" | T-Rex: Man, who is the dude who dropped his wallet in the toilet last night? WAS IT ME?
T-Rex: DEFINITELY NOT.
Dromiceiomimus: Hey, T-Rex, did you drop your wallet in my -
T-Rex: You've got the wrong guy, my friend!
Dromiceiomimus: Okay, it's just - there was a wallet in my toilet this morning, and you left last night in a hurry, saying you'd "Need to visit the wallet store soon" but then came back once and clarified that you were pretending you were a friend of yours when you said that.
Utahraptor: Yeah, the evidence against you does look pretty bad!
T-Rex: I've got my wallet right here!
Utahraptor: Okay, you're posed like you're hiding your wallet from me, but I can see that your hands are empty, and there's nowhere else you could hide it.
T-Rex: I -
Utahraptor: Listen, if you want your wallet back, Dromiceiomimus left it inside your mailbox.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, AT THE MAILBOX:
T-Rex: Aw man! There's probably pee on it!
Narrator: OH MY GOSH, T-REX'S TWIN BROTHER?? NO, IT'S T-REX! I MESSED UP WITH "MEANWHILE" AND SHOULD'VE SAID "MUCH LATER".
Narrator (punchline): THIS IS CALLED "WRITING"
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1,230 | WIKIPEDIA! I would have donated during your last funding drive, if only I knew!! | T-Rex: There are not enough internet acronyms. If I want to speak entirely in internet acronyms like LOL and ROFL -
T-Rex: - WHICH I DO -
T-Rex: - then my emotions are limited to only the crudest of feelings! I can laugh out loud, or I can roll on (the) floor laughing, but what if I'm just chuckling? What if I have a condescending smirk that fades into a distant smile of recognition? What if I want to communicate the nostalgia you have for an old girlfriend when you're dating someone who's way better, but you still miss her sometimes? IS THERE AN ACRONYM FOR THAT, INTERNET??
Utahraptor: "IMMOGBNR".
T-Rex: Immogebeaner?
Utahraptor: Yep! Stands for "I Miss My Old Girlfriend, But Not Really". Used all the time.
T-Rex: Huh! Is there one for, like, groups of people who draw pictures of kinky sex?
Utahraptor: Sure! "We Illustrate Kinks Involving Phallocentric Euphoria During Intercourse. Awesome."
T-Rex: WIKIPEDIA! Oh my God! Has it stood for that all along?
Off panel: It's the Secret Mission of Wikipedia! Don't tell anyone, okay?
T-Rex: Hah! Awesome!
T-Rex (punchline): ...Why didn't they just say so?
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1,232 | IN THE MEANTIME EVERYONE JUST SIMMER DOWN AND EAT JELLO INSTEAD OF WATER HALF OF YOU WERE WISHING FOR THIS WHEN YOU WERE SIX ANYWAY | Narrator: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON STEREOTYPE COMICS
T-Rex: Oh man. The heart pounding out-of-the-chest "I'm in love" reaction shot!
T-Rex: Second ONLY to the "I'm so angry my head is now a steamwhistle, toot toot" motif.
T-Rex: If I had three wishes - and the wishes had to be about cartoon stereotypes being real, I guess - then those are the two I'd choose. The third one would be "no falling when running off cliffs unless you look down and notice you're running on air", because that, my friends, would be HANDY.
T-Rex: Free bridges for the strong-willed!
Utahraptor: I would have thought you'd choose the bullet hole / water one!
T-Rex: Which one's that?
Utahraptor: It's the one where you're shot with a machine gun, and then later you're thirsty, and then you drink water, and then the water springs out of the holes in your body.
T-Rex: Hilarious!! Plus, it offers some resistance to machine gun fire.
Utahraptor: Exactly! It's right up your alley.
God: T-REX IN HEAVEN THE BULLET HOLE WATER THING HAPPENS TO ANYONE WHO DIED FROM BEING MACHINE GUNNED IN THE CHEST
God: LISTEN
God (punchline): I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON A SOLUTION
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1,233 | "it presupposes you equate every part of yourself with the whole! WHAT'S THE DEAL" | T-Rex: I'm cold-blooded! Check it and see.
T-Rex: My body temperature matches the environment's to within a small degree!
Dromiceiomimus: You're cold-blooded?
T-Rex: I'm cold-blooded!
Utahraptor: No you're not, T-Rex!
T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR.
Utahraptor: The whole idea of the cold/warm blooded binary is discredited. It turns out there's an entire spectrum of thermal management possibilities between these two misleadingly-named endpoints! In any case, you're warm blooded.
T-Rex: Well! That settles that!
T-Rex: Now on to my next topic of conversation! When people say "I want you inside of me", isn't that weird?
T-Rex: I - I think it's weird.
T-Rex (punchline): *sigh*
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1,235 | pedophile jokes, here at qwantz.com! also: HELLO GOVERNMENT WATCHDOGS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR KEYWORD LOOKUPS. I HOPE YOU ENJOY MY COMIC TODAY | T-Rex: I don't want to be a police officer, and the reason is simple!
T-Rex: I would end up hating everyone!
T-Rex: Not only would I meet rapists and murderers KINDA OFTEN, I GUESS, but I'd also regularly see domestic violence, petty crime, people being mean to each other, chicks and dudes who punch each other in the head, chicks and dudes who punch each other in the head with knives this time, and so on. Not cool! After seeing that day in and day out, I would start to suspect that everyone sucks and has a case of the ILLEGAL CRAZIES. I'd lose my optimism and faith in the world!
Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is basically the spotlight fallacy!
T-Rex: You think so?
Utahraptor: Yeah! By being a cop, you'd automatically see people who require the services of cops way more often than those who don't. You're biasing your data set the same way that folks who see well publicized reports about "Pedophiles! On the INTERNET!!" do when they conclude that everyone online is big into kids.
T-Rex: Well, to be fair, Benny's a pedophile, and he's on the internet. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BENNY??
Off panel: I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!! I am a LEDOPHILE, that is to say, an enthusiast of the tiny Indian village of Ledo!
T-Rex (punchline): Benny, look, you gotta find a better name for that.
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1,236 | oh look, an ALIVE person has an opinion on suicide! | T-Rex: You know those suicide barriers that are placed on some bridges? They're usually things like closely-spaced metal wires going up and running the length of the bridge, to prevent folks from hopping over the edge.
T-Rex: They freak me right the heck out!
T-Rex: They're such a crazy symbol for our society! We have them there because if we didn't, MEMBERS OF OUR COMMUNITY would kill themselves. We need physical barriers to stop this from happening. If you look at it as a benchmark for our society, it's so weird! We have to change our environment to make it difficult to off ourselves, otherwise we'd all be committing suicide? What are we doing wrong?
Utahraptor: Come on, society doesn't make us all suicidal! It only makes a FEW people suicidal.
T-Rex: Sure!
T-Rex: But even so, if suicidal folks really want to kill themselves, these barriers won't stop them. They'll just go somewhere else.
Utahraptor: But they DO prevent spur of the moment suicides!
T-Rex: These are symptoms! We should be working on causes!
Utahraptor: Social programs DO work on the causes!!
Banner: SUICIDE IN COMICS
Narrator (punchline): "WHAT IS THE DEAL"
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1,237 | do you want the big mac or not, sir | T-Rex: To convert to Islam, all you have to do is say a few words, called the "Shahadah". And then, hey presto, you're a Muslim!
T-Rex: THIS KNOWLEDGE MAKES ME FEEL CRAZY.
T-Rex: A new religion is just a few words away! Dromiceiomimus! I feel the same craziness I would feel if I discovered that, I don't know - I could change my GENDER by just reciting a sentence or so. Crazy with POWER!
Dromiceiomimus: Well, T-Rex, the whole point is that you say these words with conviction and understanding and honestly accept their meaning. It's not like -
T-Rex: I know, I know. IT'S NOT LIKE SUMMONING BEETLEJUICE.
T-Rex: And yet, I still feel like I've discovered the ability to summon Beetlejuice!
Utahraptor: You're really into this, eh?
T-Rex: Yeah! It blows my mind that there's a phrase you have to say. There's TESTS to become Jewish, and you can be Buddhist just by saying so. But Islam is right in the middle! No tests, just a magic phrase!
Utahraptor: I'm not sure you're the best person to have this knowledge, T-Rex! Also, don't call it a "magic phrase".
Narrator: THAT EVENING:
T-Rex: Excuse me! Uh, do Muslims have to pay sales taxes here?
Off panel: ...Yes?
T-Rex: What about people who hear God tell them to "lose a few pounds, chubbs"?
Off panel (punchline): Um, especially them?
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1,238 | "It beHOOVES us to get married soon," said Antonio Tony. "Oh, Tonio," said Samantha, sighing. "I don't like horse puns THAT much." | T-Rex: I've been writing a romance novel!
T-Rex: Or more precisely, I've been sucking SURPRISINGLY HARD at writing a romance novel!
T-Rex: It's terrible, Dromiceiomimus! All my life I was certain that explosions could spice up ANY narrative, but I've been blowing my main characters up ALL THE TIME and they're still not that interesting! Check this out: "Antonio Tony and Samantha were explosive-expert friends who decided one day to try kissing each other. It wasn't that bad! Later on, one of them decided that it was actually pretty bad."
T-Rex: THE END?
Utahraptor: I think your problem is you're focusing on plot!
T-Rex: How do you figure?
Utahraptor: Romance is about two CHARACTERS meeting and falling in love, but all you've got is narrative. We don't really know anything about your protagonists, so we don't care what happens to them. Flesh them out!
T-Rex: Oh kay!
Text: Samantha was a cowgirl, always on the lookout for a SPUR-of-the-moment marriage. Antonio Tony was a horse enthusiast. "I hope to be SADDLED with a wife soon!" he thought to himself. They waved wildly at each other across the open plains.
T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor, come quick! My story's amazing!!
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1,239 | NOW YOU KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE IT | T-Rex: In some comics when a character is confused, rather than saying anything in particular, they just say a question mark.
T-Rex: I love that shit!
T-Rex: I mean, I love that STUFF. I love that they have the ability to be so confused that the only response is a question mark, the essence of pure confusion. Sometimes they also speak with the essence of pure exclamation, and at others, with the essence of pure ellipsis.
T-Rex: Anyway, this is a skill I've developed in real life!
Utahraptor: How? I don't know how you'd even pronounce a question mark.
T-Rex: Check it out, buddy!
T-Rex: questionmark!
Utahraptor: Hey, you know what's weak? Saying "question mark" really fast.
T-Rex: Hold on, I can do this! Okay.
T-Rex: $
T-Rex: Oh my God!! I'd never actually pulled it off before! That was amazing!
Off panel: It sounded like the sound dogs make when they're just about to throw up.
T-Rex (punchline): $$$$$
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1,240 | if you don't read the times new roman text as t-rex composing in his head, you end up with a post-modern comic in which author and character collaborate on composing erotica. DO NOT READ IT THIS WAY, OKAY?? | T-Rex: Guys! My romance novel still has a terminal case of the totally sucks!
T-Rex: I'm thinking, maybe I have no business writing romantical-like stories?
T-Rex: I've got CHARACTERS but no spark. They're not falling in love with each other! They're staring at each other across open plains in sunset, but then when they finally meet up they shake hands cordially. THEN, after a lengthy silence, they inquire about the weather. How do people friggin' fall in love!?
Utahraptor: Physical attractiveness is a good start!
T-Rex: I tried that!
T-Rex: I ended up with EROTICA, Utahraptor. And I felt very odd sitting there, writing about two imaginary people THAT I MADE UP having sex with each other.
Utahraptor: Maybe try making them celibate?
T-Rex: Then there can't be sexy times at all. That's not a bad idea!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Okay, I am writing ROMANCE here. No sex!
Text: Shortly after celibately inquiring about the weather, Samantha exclaimed, "Antonio! I am definitely 'going oral' on you right now!"
T-Rex: ...Alright. I'll use that as the title.
T-Rex (punchline): But THAT'S IT!
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1,241 | there are a lot of logistical problems with zombie ghosts that i concede i am unable to quickly resolve | T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for assuming that there's such a thing as a soul!
T-Rex: Assumption: assumed!
T-Rex: And given this assumption, and the assumption that people care about exploring the idea of a soul, we can easily cast ghosts and zombies as the investigation of the soul-having experience that they are. For what are ghosts, but souls without a body? And hey, what are zombies, but bodies without a soul?
T-Rex: In summary and in conclusion, ghosts and zombies allow us to explore the intricacies of soul (and body!) ownership.
Utahraptor: So why are both these "explorations of the soul" found in horror stories?
T-Rex: It's easy!
T-Rex: As people with bodies AND assumed souls, we find the idea of divorcing one from the other terrifying; therefore, the only way we can explore the consequences of these is through the lens of horror. Tada!
Utahraptor: Honestly, I think your theory is a little pat. It doesn't consider all possibilities!
Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER, T-REX MEETS A ZOMBIE GHOST!
T-Rex: Utahraptor, you were right!! I met a zombie ghost! He wanted to eat brains but his teeth passed right through brains!!
Off panel: Oh yeah?
T-Rex (punchline): I would describe him as "pretty frustrated"
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1,242 | my friend with the arrow in his eye and i ran around and high tenned each other while shouting 'sawesome!!'? later, i helped him get to the hospital. | T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for helping folks grappling with grief from the loss of a loved one!
T-Rex: That's right!
T-Rex: Leave it to me to totally solve your emotional problems!
T-Rex: There are many kinds of grief, so I've focused on a particular flavour. When, say, a big meteor hits a dude square on the head and kills him, that's sad. HOWEVER, at the same time, it's also extremely amazing and awesome. It can be hard to reconcile these two, conflicting, emotions.
Dromiceiomimus: So what's your solution?
T-Rex: I propose a new word!
Utahraptor: Have you noticed how that's your solution to every problem?
T-Rex: And have you noticed how it ALWAYS WORKS?
T-Rex: Today I propose a word meaning "extremely sad, but also extremely amazing". It can be hard to pull off that emotion: you don't want people thinking you're TOO into how amazing it was. But if you say, "I'm very [my new word] right now", everyone understands! Grief has become easier to navigate!
T-Rex: I call my new word "sawesome"!
Off panel: Sawesome.
T-Rex: Like sad and awesome?
T-Rex (punchline): Someone dropped an arrow out of a plane and it nailed my friend in the eye and it was extremely sawesome?
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1,243 | instead of waking up screaming in terror, i woke up whispering "WEEEEEEEEAK" as hard as i could. | T-Rex: Guess who had their first nightmare EVER last night? If you guessed me, then HELLS YES that was the correct guess!
Narrator: T-REX'S FIRST NIGHTMARE
T-Rex: A bunch of us were hanging out in a house, some went outside, and then a nuclear bomb was dropped in the distance and we could see a mushroom cloud in the sky. I ran to the door to close it and pressed up against it as the windows in the house blew inward and radioactive dust covered us all. THEN, after it was quiet and we ventured outside, I ran into my friends who survived, but we all agreed we'd had too much radiation and wouldn't make it. It was really realistic!
Utahraptor: Sounds like a pretty standard nightmare, my friend!
T-Rex: I know! I was stoked!
T-Rex: But then these - stupid atomic zombies showed up? And they started zapping us with cheap-ass lightning bolts coming out of their eyes? It was super dumb, Utahraptor. It was that cheap 60s lightning where they just draw it directly on the film.
T-Rex and Utahraptor: Zombies don't even have lightning powers!
T-Rex: The REAL nightmare was how poorly my subconscious understands zombies!
Off panel: Also the atomic bomb being dropped on you.
T-Rex (punchline): That as well.
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1,244 | apparently, rene's email is something easily confused with or very close to '[email protected]' | T-Rex: Someone thinks my email address belongs to somebody else! They keep sending me pictures of their newborn baby, addressed to one "René Wellek". As such, I HAVE BECOME RENÉ WELLEK.
T-Rex: The course of my life has now been set!
T-Rex: Normally when this happens, I write back the sender and let them know they've got the wrong address, but this time is different. They sent me four separate sets of baby pictures, covering the first four days of her life! I've already seen this baby grow up four days! I have a RELATIONSHIP with her now, and I've decided: I'm in for the long haul.
Utahraptor: You're not going to correct them?
T-Rex: Nope!
T-Rex: I've become their silent friend René, watching this baby grow up over the years. I'll see her first steps! Her first birthday! And in 18 or so years, I'll have tears in my eyes as my computer pings and her high school grad pictures download into my inbox...
Utahraptor: Little creepy, T-Rex!
Narrator: THAT EVENING:
Text: Okay, here's the news: I am not your friend René but I am just as good. My name is T-Rex and I am a good role model. I brush my teeth regularly and when I forget to I tell myself to try HARDER. Basically, what I am saying here is "I am a stranger on the internet who has taken a particular interest in your child"
T-Rex (punchline): Perfect!
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1,245 | the alternate ending: T-Rex says "God? Is it possible for you to use grammar SO POORLY that even you can't understand what you were trying to say?" and God says "UM HELLO" and then he says "YOU'RE THE DUDE WITH THE BAD APOSTROPHES" | T-Rex: I wonder what things would be like if I could READ MY FRIEND'S THOUGHTS??
God: T-REX YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE FRIEND
T-Rex: Thanks, God! I totally noticed!
God: NO BUT MY POINT IS YOU PUNCTUATED THAT IMPROPERLY
God: WHEN YOU WANT TO SHOW POSSESSION ON A PLURAL NOUN THAT ENDS WITH AN S YOU HAVE TO PUT THE APOSTROPHE AFTER THE S OTHERWISE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A SINGLE FRIEND INSTEAD OF PLENTY OF THEM
T-Rex: There's no way you could know what punctuation I was using! There's NO WAY.
God: I'M KINDA GOD THOUGH
T-Rex: Still! Impossible!
Utahraptor: What is?
T-Rex: God knowing if I put the apostrophe in the wrong place in homophonic spoken language!!
Utahraptor: Well, isn't that the old paradox? Can God create a sentence with grammar so bad, even HE can't correct it?
T-Rex: I CREATED THE SENTENCE. IT'S FINE.
T-Rex: [thinks] Secretly, I did punctuate that sentence improperly!
God: I HEARD THAT
T-Rex: [thinks] Forget you, man!
God: I HEARD THAT TOO
T-Rex: [thinks] Aghglug glag ghag
God: SO UH
God (punchline): THAT ONE DIDN'T MAKE SENSE
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1,246 | OMNI CONSUMER PRODUCTS BUYS OUT THE US MILITARY AND OBTAINS WOPR AND MAKES IT FIGHT SKYNET. I HAVE CALCULATED THIS TO BE AN AMAZING TALE. LISTEN. COMPUTERS DO NOT MAKE MISTAKES, OKAY? | Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS today's film:
Narrator: WARGAMES
T-Rex: I am Matthew Broderick: computer hacker!
T-Rex: And I've accidentally wardialed my way into a secret military computer that I mistake for a game developer's machine. I believe I will play this mysterious game called "GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR"
Dromiceiomimus: Let's bomb Los Angeles!
T-Rex: Kay! Incidentally, I use an acoustic coupler as a modem, and that's so retro it's cool again.
Dromiceiomimus: No argument here
Utahraptor: I'm a US Military Agent!
T-Rex: Holy smokes!
Utahraptor: You're under arrest for hacking into our computer and also it's still playing your game and it controls our nukes and it's definitely going to start WW ]|[ by launching them against the Soviets. Cold War, remember?
T-Rex: No worries! I will teach it the MADness of its actions through zillions of tied games of Tic-Tac-Toe!
Narrator: LATER:
Off panel: [“computer” font] A strange game, Matthew Broderick. It seems the only winning move is not to play.
T-Rex: Oh my God. I love this movie.
Off panel: Man, me too! They should totally do a crossover with me and Skynet.
Off panel (punchline): ERROR 22: IDEA IS TOO AWESOME
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1,247 | good save, good save | T-Rex: When I was younger, I went to the dentist a lot. MAYBE I DIDN'T BRUSH MY TEETH THAT WELL, OKAY? OR THAT OFTEN, OR AT ALL.
T-Rex: Oh well?
T-Rex: But I remember sitting there when I was sixteen or so, with some stranger's fingers in my mouth as he scraped away at my teeth and thinking "MAN, this is a sucky time! I wish I had something to distract me. I bet if I'd had sex, then I could think about sex, and that would be distracting. Hey! I should have sex! It'll make visits to the dentist easier."
Utahraptor: So then what happened?
T-Rex: Later, I had sex! Later still, I went back to the dentist.
T-Rex: But it didn't work. The situation was so unerotic, and I was terrified of becoming visibly aroused!
Utahraptor: Did you tell the woman you had sex with that the REAL reason for it was so that you could be entertained at the dentist's?
T-Rex: No! I mean, it wasn't the reason! That was just an added bonus!
T-Rex (punchline): It made it even MORE special
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1,248 | OGC guy! He's back, and he's KINDA CHEESED. | T-Rex: In fascism, one person is in control of an entire country, and he tells everyone else what to do! He is the guy who is micromanaging his zergs or whatever.
T-Rex: Maybe this is not so bad?
Dromiceiomimus: It is so bad, T-Rex! Fascism is bad news!!
T-Rex: I mean, YES it is, but what if the one guy KNEW what everyone should be doing? What if he was actually the best person to be in charge of the country?
Dromiceiomimus: Some people would still want to be free!
T-Rex: But WHAT IF he recognized that and let those people be free?
Utahraptor: You're saying if there was a guy who could produce a utopia, you'd want him in charge.
T-Rex: Exactly! Yes!
Utahraptor: Okay, but that's not fascism. Fascism is authoritarian and includes these ideas of unity and purity and stuff like that. It's a sort of a xenophobic, culty nationalism?
T-Rex: Oh! I don't like THOSE parts. Well, I guess I don't want to be fascist after all!
[online auction]
Heading: SWEET PROTEST SIGNS L@@K, SO @WESOME!!! OMG YOU GUYS! >:OGC
Text: Okay you are bidding on some protest signs that I'm selling because I was gonna be fascist, but not anymore!! There's a picture of me and beneath it they say "T-REX IS IN CHARGE NOW: I GUESS WE'LL ALL JUST HAVE TO DEAL" They have many uses such as pretending I am in charge and that you are all, "no WAY is that guy in charge, what will i do, oh wait my sign says i should just deal"
Text: STARTING BID: $100
Text (punchline): YOUR BID: $[form input]0
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1,249 | nobody calls me captain sensible either | T-Rex: What's that, Dromiceiomimus?
T-Rex: You're asking, "How much of someone's personality is determined by their body?"
T-Rex: Well, Dromiceiomimus, that IS an interesting question! A few years ago I would have said "none", but now I'm not so sure! In a way, our bodies do affect who we are: if you've got a strong body, you can be a different person than someone in a weaker body. Trivially, a weak-bodied person wouldn't make a good bully!
Dromiceiomimus: I asked none of these questions
T-Rex: And Utahraptor, you're suggesting that not all strong people are bullies?
Utahraptor: I - okay?
T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, I'll agree with you, and clarify that it's a necessary but not a sufficient condition. Bodies affect the life experiences possible, and therefore personality! And while you're questioning my premise of "nature over nurture" I'll clarify that I'm simply saying that someone in a weak body can't be a very effective bully!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): Man, NOBODY calls me anymore
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1,250 | a LITTLE respect, please! | T-Rex: If I ever turn into a werewolf, I would DEFINITELY donate my still-living body to science! The reason is simple: I Care About Science.
T-Rex: Guys! The advances would be incredible!
T-Rex: I'd have a body that would CHANGE SHAPE in response to the light of a full moon. That's insane! If we could harness the powers of my sweet-ass hairy body, the advances would be incredible! We could lose fat and build muscle instantly! We could restore broken limbs! WE COULD HELP BALD MEN NOT BE BALD ANYMORE, IF THAT IS WHAT THEY WANTED. Plastic surgeons would be out of a job!
Utahraptor: Only for like one day a month!
T-Rex: Part of the research would be extending the effects 24/7!
T-Rex: It would be a utopia, Utahraptor! All we need is for one werewolf to be brave enough to let Science experiment on him, and then we can ALL get a little of the sweet blood fever!
Utahraptor: I thought that was vampires.
T-Rex: They should do it too.
Narrator: LATER:
Off panel: [small] Hullo, T-Rex! I dressed up as a werewolf wearing a stethoscope to try to cheer you up!
T-Rex: Oh, Mr. Tusks! I should call the police. You're so cute it's illegal!
Off panel (punchline): [small] T-Rex I am also a vice mayor
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1,251 | utahraptor, people living for revenge get to walk slow-motion in front of more explosions than heartless plutocrats do. i can't just ignore that | T-Rex: Recently I have discovered something that disturbs me! My savings account is now less negligible than before, and yet - I kinda want some money?
T-Rex: This is not the person I thought I was!
T-Rex: When I was a kid I always thought that as long as I had enough money to live without fear of poverty, I'd be fine. I just wanted enough to get by. But now - I'm treating money like Life Points™, Dromiceiomimus! And I want more Life Points™. I want the high score, and I want the scoreboard to say "TRX" at the top, right above "USA" and "ASS".
Dromiceiomimus: I think this is just a matter of figuring out a different sort of Life Points™!
Utahraptor: I agree! We've got to find something else for you before you've become a cruel amalgam of the uncles Scrooge and Pennybags!
T-Rex: But what?
Utahraptor: How about instead of counting money, you count the number of lives you've touched in a positive way?
T-Rex: Oh God. Listen, I want something more like "Number of Enemies That Said 'I Wish I Wasn't T-Rex's Enemy Anymore', Frig". In fact, that's perfect.
Off panel: You realize that now you're living for revenge?
T-Rex: Oh! People say that's bad, right? Do you, um, remember any reasons why, off the top of your head?
Off panel: Well -
T-Rex (punchline): Look, are any sayings about how it's WORSE than living for money?
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1,252 | he says he's impressed that I could recognize him, as he was mostly shot from above with will smith's body obscuring his features | T-Rex: Oh my God! It's him! I'm sure of it. It's totally him!
Off panel: Who?
T-Rex: It's the guy who picks up and spins Will Smith in the credits to "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"!
T-Rex: There's no way it's anyone else. Oh my God, Dromiceiomimus, do I go up and say "Hi"?
Dromiceiomimus: ...Sure?
T-Rex: But he probably gets that all the time. I don't want to come across as a fan! I should strike up a conversation and then mention all casually that I like his work, but that I'm not a "fan" or anything. But that might be insulting! I'll - I'll just admire him from a distance.
T-Rex: Screw it!! I'm gonna talk to him, right now!
Utahraptor: Who? Who is it?
T-Rex: Utahraptor! It's the guy who spins Will Smith at the start of every Fresh Prince!
Utahraptor: No way!
T-Rex: Yep!! And I'm going to walk over there and talk to him right now!
Utahraptor: NO WAY.
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex: Utahraptor! He says spinning Will Smith every week was his favourite part of the show! He says they wanted to reuse footage but he kept volunteering to do it "fresh"!
T-Rex (punchline): He goes on to say that he regrets the pun, but it's the most appropriate word?
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1,253 | my buddy oliver's got so many opinions that he made himself a shirt that says that he's got opinions | T-Rex: When people sign a prenuptial agreement, they agree, BEFORE they get married, how to divide up assets in the event of a divorce!
Narrator: PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS:
Narrator: WHAT'S THE DEAL
T-Rex: What gets me is the whole conflict in them: the position of "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you", with the caveat of "Oh, baby, but just in case". I understand on a PRACTICAL level about how prenups are - practical, but on the level of love, I don't see how you're allowed to hedge your bets when it comes to marriage! I thought marriage was the ultimate expression of love.
Utahraptor: And you see prenups as being the ultimate expression of love*.
T-Rex: That's it exactly! Love with an asterisk.
Utahraptor: Well, honestly, T-Rex, I think that it's INCREDIBLY presumptuous of you to say that.
T-Rex: I know, I know! That's what bothers me about it! Who am I to comment on someone else's marriage? And yet, I feel compelled to comment on tons of someone else's marriages!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Hey Mom! You know about the prenup you got when you and dad got married?
Off panel: Yes, honey?
T-Rex: I, um -
T-Rex (punchline): I got opinions
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1,254 | he had his lawyer... draw it up? | T-Rex: Maybe I have been too hard on prenups. In a sense, they're sort of a Love Validator, right?
Narrator: PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS:
Narrator: WELL, MAYBE THIS IS THE DEAL
T-Rex: Because if you have a prenup that says, "Wow, NOBODY'S getting rich off this marriage", then it's clear that nobody's getting married for the money. The only reason left is love!
Dromiceiomimus: Or loneliness.
T-Rex: Or love! The prenup is a way of announcing AND VERIFYING that you love them for Who They Are, not for what they've got in their pants! In their wallet in their pants. It was a great metaphor, Dromiceiomimus.
Utahraptor: You know, Judaism has long had the "ketubah", which is basically a prenup!
T-Rex: Really!
Utahraptor: Yep! It specifies divorce penalties but ALSO marital vows, and is hung up in the house. Prenups can mean a lot of different things to people!
T-Rex: Huh! Maybe the best way to learn about prenups is to get one. Oh my gosh, Utahraptor!! Let's get a "friendship prenup"!
Utahraptor: Hah! What?
Narrator: LATER, T-REX HAS COMPLETED HIS PRENUP! WHAT'S IT SAY, T-REX?
T-Rex: It says "Utahraptor! Don't steal my comics, UTAHRAPTOR." Then there's a drawing of him stealing my comics, with an x through it!
T-Rex (punchline): A LAWYER drew it for me.
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1,255 | Readers! I'm lying! It's not dinosaurs that can't go 2 days without water. IT'S HUMANS!! IT WAS HUMANS ALL ALONG | T-Rex: Hey God! Quick question: how long can I live without water?
God: FIVE DAYS
T-Rex: SERIOUSLY?
T-Rex: That's a bunch of BALONEY!
T-Rex: I'm never more than a week away from death! Worse than that: I'm never more than a friggin' WORK week away from death. Baloney!
God: UH ACTUALLY IT CAN DROP TO TWO OR THREE DAYS DEPENDING ON HEAT AND EXERTION
T-Rex: TWO DAYS?! That's terrible! That's entirely terrible. Listen, life is stupid and I'm going to go stockpile water.
Utahraptor: But 70% of the planet's surface is water!
T-Rex: Yeah, but the remaining 30%? THIRSTY CHUMPS.
Utahraptor: Look, calm down! You've made it this far without thirsting to death.
T-Rex: I didn't know I had a sliding two-day thirst death window then! People can go WEEKS without food! Months! Two days without water is ridiculous.
Utahraptor: Well, I mean, you won't last two hours without oxygen.
T-Rex (punchline): AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
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1,256 | the court rules that the plaintiff must discern the difference between "natural law" and "positive law", and must ALSO stop imploring the jury to "set right what once went wrong" | T-Rex: Life is too friggin' fragile! And when I say "life", I mean life in general, but really, I mean my life in particular.
T-Rex: Too. Friggin'. Fragile!
T-Rex: I'm a big guy, so I have to eat a lot - WHICH IS FINE, except that it increases the chance that I starve to death! And if I'm smaller I eat less, but I also face jerks trying to eat me! And if I'm a single cell, nobody's going out of their way to eat me, but I can die if the host I'm in dies or the stream dries up or whatever.
Dromiceiomimus: Plus you give up any powers of reasoning.
T-Rex: Man, that too!!
T-Rex: In summary, life is too fragile and I describe that as "sucks ahoy"!
Utahraptor: Maybe you should give up your ego here, T-Rex!
Utahraptor: While individuals may be fragile, species can survive a very long time! Why not see individual lives as single cells in the species: a multi-cellular multi-generational organism?
T-Rex: Um, because that's a metaphor that doesn't stop me from being food poisoned to death??
Narrator: LATER, IN COURT!
T-Rex: Your honour, if I steal, I get a few years in jail. If I murder, I get a LIFETIME in jail. But if I forget to eat for a few days or breathe for a few minutes, I DIE FOREVER?
Off panel: I'm sorry?
T-Rex (punchline): The punishment does not seem to fit the crime here!
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1,257 | why oh why did i make lolita EVEN YOUNGER | Narrator: T-REX HAS WRITTEN A STORY ABOUT A DOG THAT GETS SUPER POWERS!
T-Rex: It's awesome! It was about a dog who didn't have super powers, and then one day, he got some super powers.
Narrator: BUT THERE IS A DOWNSIDE:
T-Rex: Now everyone thinks MY dog has super powers!
T-Rex: I don't know at what point we all decided that authors aren't allowed to just make things up anymore, but it's totally what's happened to me! Somehow our fictions have all become real, and "write what you know" is the only creative option.
Dromiceiomimus: People actually think your dog has super powers?
T-Rex: Well, they think he's so great he INSPIRED the super powers. He's actually just - really angry?
T-Rex: But that's the thing! Even if I write about something implausible, folks assume there's a real-life inspiration!
Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex!
Utahraptor: A lot of your previous stories WERE autobiographical. "My Tiring Day"? "A Story About Me (At The End I Sit Down and Write The Book You're Now Reading)"? If I were you, I'd write my next book such that if people DID assume it was about me, it would be flattering.
T-Rex: Yes! Like "The Day I Was EXTRA Nice To The Homeless"!
Narrator: LATER, T-REX PUBLISHES HIS NEW BOOK! IT'S CALLED "LOLITA 2: THE PREQUEL! NOW LOLITA'S EVEN YOUNGER"
T-Rex (punchline): Aw craps.
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1,258 | the brilliant thing about loheta is that if anyone gets mad at his book's content, they have only themselves to blame, as they constructed the story they're reading! reputation: salvaged. | T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for fixing my life! I'll do it by putting out a new, less controversial book: "LOLITA III: This Time, She's 30".
T-Rex: Nobody can argue with that!!
T-Rex: In my story there's a new Lolita, and she's thirty, and she goes out with a man who's also thirty and from a similar economic and social background! They get married and have some okay times. Years later, all the characters die of old age!
Dromiceiomimus: It seems a bit - conservative!
T-Rex: I could make some changes! But did you notice how everyone was clearly of the age of majority though?
Narrator: THE BOOK IS PUBLISHED:
Utahraptor: T-Rex, your new book is basically terrible!
T-Rex: *gasp*
Utahraptor: I'm serious! The "new Lolita" has nothing to do with the old one, and nothing interesting happens except when "LoHEta" shows up, explains that he's the new manly male Lolita, and then leaves the narrative entirely.
T-Rex: He shows up again in the epilogue! Utahraptor! You didn't even finish my book!!
T-Rex: At the end, Loheta addresses the reader directly and explains that if you replace "she" with "he" and "hers" with "definitely his" in the ORIGINAL Lolita, you can read all about his adventures!
T-Rex (punchline): It's called "setting up a spinoff"; look it up?
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1,259 | guys who has stubbed his little toe so hard that he's broken it, multiple times? OH LOOK IT'S ME, GOOD OLD HARD-WALKIN' RYAN | T-Rex: You know what I'm tired of feeling?
God: EMOTIONS
T-Rex: Pain!
T-Rex: (Emotions too.)
T-Rex: But seriously, guys! Why do we need pain?
T-Rex: It hurts!
T-Rex: And you can't turn it off. It's like a phone that won't stop ringing whenever I'm hurt, and when I answer it, it's always friggin' Pain calling and he won't get off the line. I say "Yeah, I get it Pain, I stubbed my toe." and he says "Yeah, it still hurts like a bitch. Can I say bitch? It really hurts, T-Rex", and I say "Look, Pain. I know." and he stays on the line and I say "Pain, you've gotta find other people to call. You've got to get other hobbies."
T-Rex: I'd prefer looking down and seeing that my toe is stubbed to, um, EXCRUCIATING PAIN.
Utahraptor: So you want leprosy.
T-Rex: Uh NO, I didn't say I want my LIMBS to fall off.
Utahraptor: Leprosy doesn't make your limbs fall off!! You lose SENSATION in your body, so you can do things like accidentally crush your fingers and not notice. Hey, how's the centuries-old prejudice over there? Pretty uninformed? Pretty BIASED?
T-Rex: Utahraptor! You were totally a jerk to me just now! And if you're hoping I'm going to shout after you that "Now I wish my HEART couldn't feel pain", I'm not!
T-Rex (punchline): I'm just thinking it, okay??
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1,260 | i hope he comes home soon. from his month-long vacation in the tropics, that is! | T-Rex: [thinks] Hey, it's Utahraptor! Wait - IS that Utahraptor...? Oh my God! It's... IT'S....
[no text]
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you won't believe who I just met!
Dromiceiomimus: Who?
T-Rex: FUTURE UTAHRAPTOR! I'm serious, I saw him! He looked like Utahraptor, but he was aged thirty years, and it was the Most Amazing Thing. It couldn't have been anyone else! It was CLEARLY thirty years older Utahraptor.
Utahraptor: So what happened then?
T-Rex: Well, I was staring!
T-Rex: And you noticed it, obviously, but then you turned to me, made eye contact, and nodded with an almost undetectible Mona Lisa smile, just once. It was this amazing nod that said, "Don't worry, T-Rex. Things will be alright. Everything's gonna work out fine."
Utahraptor: Hah! Future me's awesome.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, FORTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE!
T-Rex: Dear audio diary!
T-Rex (punchline): [small] i miss my friend utahraptor
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1,261 | it's always best to talk back to big media like they're lassie. what's that, television? you say traffic volume is high in the downtown core? we've got to do something!! | Narrator: EARLY ONE MORNING:
Off panel: Police report a rash of interior vandalism: members of the public are waking up to find their interior walls defaced!
T-Rex: What's that, radio?
T-Rex: Street artists have moved indoors?
T-Rex: But I have an indoors!!
Narrator: SECONDS LATER:
T-Rex: Aw man!
T-Rex: Actually... it's a pretty good likeness?
Narrator: THAT AFTERNOON:
Utahraptor: T-Rex!! Did you draw yourself in my kitchen giving a thumbs up?
T-Rex: It wasn't me!
T-Rex: In fact, someone drew Dromiceiomimus and a house and a car in MY kitchen!
Utahraptor: Hey - if that's the case, maybe Dromiceiomimus got an illustration of me?
T-Rex: Let's pay her a visit and find out!
Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS'S HOUSE:
T-Rex: I've got boner fever!!
Off panel: What? What an outrageous illustration!!
Off panel (punchline): That fever has long since PASSED
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1,262 | more accurately, t-rex would have easily won if he'd made the argument before the invention of written language. but then the punchline doesn't work! you can't just build the hms sinkytowne out of words!! | T-Rex: Performative utterances are things that you can say, and hey presto, you've changed your life and the world around you! You've changed your life with WORDS. Like the Shahadah, this is insane! This is totally insane.
T-Rex: Let's do it!!
T-Rex: There's simple ones like "I promise to clean my room" (your future is now altered), but there's bigger ones like "I now pronounce you husband and wife": you weren't married before, and now, oh my God you guys, you're totally married! And then there's "I hereby christen this ship 'HMS Sinkytowne'" and "I sentence you to death by misadventure".
Dromiceiomimus: Saying "We declare war" is the same, isn't it?
T-Rex: Sure is!!
Utahraptor: Yeah, but you're only legally married when you sign the paperwork!
T-Rex: Well -
Utahraptor: And it's the same with christenings and sentences AND declarations of war: they all require paperwork! I'D argue that the performative utterance is just part of the ceremony, and that the real change is made when you sign on the dotted line.
T-Rex: Well, I mean... that's just our society?
God: T-REX YOU WOULD HAVE EASILY WON THIS ARGUMENT IF YOU'D MADE IT BEFORE THE INVENTION OF PAPER
T-Rex: Ah well. I'm still glad we invented paper!
God: ME TOO
God (punchline): OTHERWISE WHAT WOULD THE HMS SINKYTOWNE BE MADE OUT OF
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1,263 | the last two lines are BASICALLY why i don't get to write hulk comics | T-Rex: Utahraptor was so wrong about performative utterances yesterday!
God: HOW WRONG WAS HE
T-Rex: So! He was so wrong.
T-Rex: And I only realized it after he left!
T-Rex: A leader declares war on television, then that's war, regardless of whether he's signed the paperwork yet. He's changed the world just by talking! With sentencing it's the same: the judge tells you your sentence and that's it, and the paperwork is just that - paperwork! RECORDKEEPING. And the same for marriages! The license is just to let THE GOVERNMENT know what's already happened. I was right! I was totally right!!
Utahraptor: T-Rex, remember yesterday? You were totally right! Fully and completely.
T-Rex: Aw no! Seriously?
T-Rex: You're seriously going to rob me of my Comeuppance Satisfaction by admitting you were wrong before I get to point it out to you? You're going to be That Guy?
Utahraptor: Which guy?
T-Rex: The guy who does what you're doing! Argh! You ARE being That Guy!
Off panel: Look, sorry for admitting I was wrong, I guess?
T-Rex: That's another performative!! You're tacitly endorsing their existence! I'M SECONDS AWAY FROM MY HEAD FADING INTO A CARTOON STEAM WHISTLE AND GOING "TOOT TOOT."
T-Rex (punchline): I'M ANGRY BUT I THINK IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME
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1,264 | i read one theory for the cause of the great vowel shift that said there may have been a lot of influential people in england with speech impediments, and we all copied them. attention linguists! more theories like this one plz | T-Rex: In the 15th and 16th centuries, spoken English changed dramatically, with vowels changing pronunciation and moving upwards in the mouth. Before it, we all sounded like ye olde-fashioned chumps. Afterwards, we all sounded hip and modern!
T-Rex: It was a century of kids outcooling their parents!
T-Rex: Before, "boots" was pronounced "boats", and feet like "fate". PRETTY OLD FASHIONED, dudes! But what's amazing is that the printing press was invented just before this started, and it was at that point that the spellings of words really got fixed. That's why English has so many oddly-spelt words! They show the pronunciation of words as they were, just before we underwent the Great Vowel Shift and decided to, you know, say everything differently.
Utahraptor: And nobody knows why it happened!
T-Rex: I know! It's so amazing!
T-Rex: Linguists are like, "Maybe immigration from the Black Death caused regional accents to be absorbed?" and then another says, "Maybe the English wanted to distinguish their language from the hated French?" and then they both shrug at each other!
Utahraptor: I don't think -
T-Rex: I saw it!!
Narrator: 15TH CENTURY ENGLAND:
T-Rex: Hey peasants! Tell all your friends to pronounce "boner" like "bone-air", okay? It'll make the future HILARIOUS.
Multiple off-panel voices: No way! However, maybe we WILL tell them to diphthongize their highest long vowels.
T-Rex (punchline): Guys! So not as cool!!
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1,265 | dear diary: now that i've gotten to say that, i can get a new job! yessss | T-Rex: I have a new life goal: to become a hairdresser!
T-Rex: Scratch that: to become the BEST HAIRDRESSER EVER!
Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, um, you and I don't really have -
T-Rex: Before you go any further, let me clarify that I'll be a hairdresser for MAMMALS. These guys have ALL SORTS of hair coming out of ALL SORTS of places. I'll trim it and they'll say "Wow, this hair cut has made me a WAY better looking mammal! Thanks for trimming the hair off my head, sweat glands and mammaries!"
Utahraptor: I don't understand why you keep lusting after these doomed careers, my friend!
T-Rex: Explain!
Utahraptor: You have no hair and want to be a hairdresser. You have stubby arms and want to be a boxer. Why not get a job that plays to your strengths?
T-Rex: Utahraptor! I have nothing BUT strengths!
Utahraptor: Okay, fine, enjoy your hairdressing. You just stepped on one of your customers.
T-Rex: Dear diary!
T-Rex (punchline): My new job is getting... a little hairy.
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1,266 | guys, according to every source I read, the arson happened exactly 2363 years ago TODAY, on july 21st, 356 BC! it's insane, because i had no idea of this when i started writing the comic this morning. it is easily the coincidence with the longest setup time that i am ever liable to experience! | T-Rex: The Temple of Artemis was one of the Seven Wonders of the World. It was this really big temple, you guys! But it was burned down. Arson!
T-Rex: Arsonist's name was Herostratus!
T-Rex: And the ancient Greeks would be TOTALLY PISSED that I just said that! They were so angry at Herostratus - who freely admitted that he burned down A WONDER OF THE WORLD just because he wanted his name to be remembered - that they not only executed him, but they erased him from history, forbidding anyone from mentioning his name! Under penalty of death!
T-Rex: Pretty friggin' intense!!
Utahraptor: But it didn't work!
T-Rex: Nope!
T-Rex: It turns out you can't make a law saying "dudes nobody say this guy's name anymore okay" without saying his name SOMEWHERE? But, I mean, I understand why they were upset. Kind of a dick move, Herostratus. I want to go down in history, but not for being the World's Suckiest Greek.
Utahraptor: I hear that!
Narrator: LATER, T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR GO DOWN IN HISTORY FOR BEING THE WORLD'S SUCKIEST GREEKS:
Off panel: Damn it, T-Rex! All the irony surrounding YOUR friggin' life is now rubbing off on me!
T-Rex (punchline): I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!!
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1,267 | ONE DAY SCIENCE IS GOING TO FIGURE OUT ULTIMATE SURPRISE AND THE SCIENTIST WHO DOES IT IS GOING TO GO TO HEAVEN HIGH FIVING EVERYONE ON THE WAY UP | T-Rex: Okay, so Herostratus burned down the Temple of Artemis. But what happened to the other Wonders of the World? My friends, I ask a bold question: indeed, the boldest. I ask the question shied away from by the greatest minds of our age:
T-Rex: Isn't it true that they were ALL destroyed by Herostratus?
God: T-REX THE MAUSOLEUM AND HANGING GARDENS AND COLOSSUS AND LIGHTHOUSE WERE ALL DESTROYED BY EARTHQUAKES LEAVING THE STATUE OF ZEUS TO BURN DOWN AND THE GREAT PYRAMID OF GIZA TO UM CONTINUE TO HANG AROUND
T-Rex: Earthquakes, huh? Huh. I guess Herostratus wasn't actually a time-travelling, mustachio-twirling, World Wonder destroying villain. Ah well! That's why pencils have erasers, right?
Utahraptor: But T-Rex, what would you call earthquakes?
T-Rex: Natural disasters?
T-Rex: Insurance motivators? Uh, building complicaters? Domino frustraters? Wobbley Times U.S.A.? Um... Shakey Shakes Central?
Utahraptor: Couldn't you also call them... "ACTS OF GOD"?
T-Rex: Oh my God! God is like Herostratus times - um, five!
God: MAN I'M BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING BUT I NEVER GET THE CREDIT FOR HOW PEOPLE'S HEADS EXPLODE WHEN SEEING SOMETHING REALLY SURPRISING
T-Rex: Maybe because that never happens!
God: LISTEN
God (punchline): YOU GUYS NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOME MORE SURPRISING STUFF BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE GREAT
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1,268 | EACH AND EVERY DAY! EVERY MORNING AFTER BREAKFAST! WAIT, THAT'S GROSS. NEVERMIND. LISTEN, CAN YOU THINK OF ANY OTHER VERBS THAT CAN APPLY TO "PANTS" TRANSITIVELY? | T-Rex: Computers have gotten way better in recent years. A new computer can beat a moldy old one from twenty years ago!
T-Rex: FACT.
T-Rex: Wouldn't it be great if rhetoric had evolved in the same way? I could have this hyper-evolved speaking that could convince anyone to do whatever I say, as long as they didn't have similar rhetorical powers to match! Anyone not inured to my amazing powers of speechifying would be putty in my hands. "Oh, T-Rex, I'm not sure I should do this" they'd say, and then I'd say "Oh maybe you should though" and they'd be all, "Awesome."
Utahraptor: It would be a disaster for society!
T-Rex: Rude, my friend!
Utahraptor: I meant if there was such an advance. Early language learners acquire languages the best, so it would be a generation of toddlers convincing their parents that letting them poop their pants is sweet. If you don't see what's bad for society in that, well - enjoy pooping your pants!
T-Rex: [thinks] The word 'poop' is cool: it's transitive, but only for 'pants'. You can pee your pants too though. Maybe it's the noun 'pants'? Further research certainly seems warranted.
T-Rex (punchline): Maybe I will, Utahraptor! MAYBE I'LL ENJOY POOPING MY PANTS EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
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1,269 | but which song goes with which, ah, THAT is the question | T-Rex: I've noticed that some songs are quite good at evoking memories and moods. If I listen to a song I haven't listened to since high school, suddenly I am back in high school again!
T-Rex: METAPHORICALLY.
T-Rex: So hey, time for an experiment where I am the subject! From now on I'm going to listen to a new song repeatedly over each 3-month period. It'll become indelibly associated with who I am then, and this way when I want to remember what I felt like from July to September inclusive fifteen years ago, I can just listen to the same song again. It'll all come flooding back!
Utahraptor: That's - well, that's not a bad idea!
T-Rex: I know, right?
T-Rex: If it works, I can go further, also consigning smells and foods to certain periods in my life! I'll be an old man, looking up "first marriage" in my database, and then reaching for a record player and my first bite of Wensleydale in years.
Utahraptor: I'm getting in on this action too!
Narrator: BUT THEN, DISASTER!
T-Rex: Aw frig! Someone has mashed up Jay-Z's "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" and the 1-1 theme from Mario 3! Suddenly my current crush and the death of my first dog have become irrevocably mixed!!
T-Rex (punchline): I feel very oddly about dead dogs right now
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1,270 | it's a borrowed tv set? | T-Rex: You know what I don't like?
God: WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE
T-Rex: Star Trek!
T-Rex: Only one part of it though!!
T-Rex: I don't like when they encounter something amazing in Engineering or wherever and call up to the bridge and say "Captain, you'd better get down here." Explain what it is! THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO. I don't call up my friends and say, "Utahraptor, you'd better get down here." and he says "Why?" and I say "Oh Utahraptor, if only we had descriptive language; if only I could describe something using my words. But you know as well as I that I can only point and say, lookit."
Utahraptor: So don't watch those parts of Star Trek!
T-Rex: I try, but it's everywhere! Even not on Star Trek!
T-Rex: The news always says, "Up next: what's in your bathroom that may be trying to kill you!" and then go to commercials. This is psychopathic. I'm the Captain and they don't even want me in Engineering! They want me on the couch for the next three minutes of ads.
Utahraptor: That IS one way of looking at it!
Narrator: LATER:
Off panel: Tonight at 11: what you're eating that could be taking TWENTY YEARS off your life!!
T-Rex (punchline): I'M THE CAPTAIN
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1,271 | five broken hearts can't be wrong! | T-Rex: In conversations, speakers generally try to make helpful contributions, and listeners generally assume that this is the case! This is called the "cooperative principle", and philosopher Paul Grice proposed it! He's dead now.
T-Rex: It's useful because it allows inferred meanings!
T-Rex: We can be at a party and someone can say "Where's Utahraptor?" and I can say "He's sick" and they understand that he's not here BECAUSE he's sick. Inferred meaning! If they don't assume I'm cooperating then I'm just offering non-relevant information, on the same level as if I answered "Utahraptor's got shufflepants." and then clarified "They're pants that shuffle when he walks."
Utahraptor: But maybe I'm not at the party BECAUSE of my shufflepants!
T-Rex: See?
T-Rex: The cooperative principle is so ingrained that even when I say non sequiturs, you're looking for a way to read it under the assumption I'm cooperating.
Utahraptor: So I should assume that you're a disingenuous and unhelpful jerk.
T-Rex: Yes!
T-Rex: In this example, I mean. In real life I am a charmer, of course!! Hah! I am loveable and trustworthy and good at conversations!
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex (punchline): I've had FIVE girlfriends, Utahraptor.
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1,272 | yesterday t-rex said he had five girlfriends, and i got some emails from people asking if that was normal, because THEY haven't had five girlfriends. dudes, neither have i! i guess it's easier when you're t-rex and can consider a bank teller who was nice to you once to be a girlfriend OH SNAP I JUST BURNED A FICTIONAL CHARACTER THAT I CREATED!!! | T-Rex: So Paul Grice went on to clarify his cooperative principle, identifying four maxims describing how people generally communicate. He called these "GRICEAN Maxims".
T-Rex: Nice one, Paul Grice!
T-Rex: He's dead now. These maxims are pretty useful though! There's the Maxim of Quality (don't lie), the Maxim of Quantity (only say enough to make your point, no more or less), the Maxim of Relation (be relevant) and the Maxim of Manner (be clear, brief, and unambiguous). These are four different ways we cooperate with each other when communicating!
Utahraptor: And if I were to say "I kissed him with my lips on the lips", that would be breaking Quantity!
T-Rex: Yes!
T-Rex: And arguably Manner. But by breaking them, I look for a HIDDEN meaning indicated by the flouting of the maxim! "What is so important about your and his lips?" I might ask myself.
Utahraptor: They're like little pillows
T-Rex: Hah!
T-Rex: ...What?
Narrator: YEARS LATER, UTAHRAPTOR ONCE AGAIN REFERS TO HIS LIPS AS "LITTLE PILLOWS":
T-Rex: Hah!
T-Rex (punchline): ...Still?
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1,273 | his parents come home and say "oh god who made a truck out of human flesh and put it in our son's room. oh god, it's warm, oh god, oh god" and then they throw up. and that's only the first two panels!! | T-Rex: Okay, time to invent a new superhero! Then I'll make a movie about him, and THEN, I'll be famous! Then I'll also have a lot of disposable income?
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Inventing superheroes: too friggin' hard!
T-Rex: Every good superhero power is taken. He's invulnerable - oh, there's Superman. Okay, he CAN be hurt, but he recovers: oh, hey Wolverine! Okay, he CAN be hurt, and then, he dies. Oh, Batman's at this party too? Hey Batman.
Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you should focus more on themes instead of powers, T-Rex!
T-Rex: I tried that, but every theme is taken too!
Utahraptor: Impossible!
T-Rex: Speed theme: check. Spider theme: check! Iron Man theme: TOTALLY CHECKED. There's nothing left!
Utahraptor: I think theme is more "what your story says" than "what your character is able to do". See the difference?
T-Rex: I do but listen I really think powers are more interesting
Narrator: SOON, INSPIRATION STRIKES!
T-Rex: He's a Transformer, but he's also biologically human! So he has to deal with THEMES associated with either being a man, or being a soft, warm, fleshy and hairy semi truck filled with blood intestines and lungs.
T-Rex (punchline): TRILOGY PLZ
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1,274 | 'conspiracies!!' is said in much the same way as one might say 'ice cream!!' on a warm summer's day | Narrator: THE COSO ARTIFACT
T-Rex: ...is totally amazing, you guys! Totally amazing.
T-Rex: It's a SPARK PLUG that was discovered encased in solid rock!
T-Rex: So awesome. A spark plug found inside a geode, surrounded by material that would have taken 500,000 years to collect! Is this truly CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE that we will one day visit the distant past, and drop spark plugs in sediment while we're at it? I would argue "Definitely, dudes!" I would argue that there can be no other explanation and I would argue that it's gonna be great.
Utahraptor: The "Coso Artifact" wasn't found in a geode, T-Rex!
T-Rex: It wasn't?
Utahraptor: It was found in a concretion, and I'm sorry to tell you that those can develop in only a few years! There are marshes in England with WWII-era bombs encased in concretions as well. It's cool, but it's not proof of time travellers!
T-Rex: Man. Logical explanations keep letting me down!!
God: T-REX HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT UTAHRAPTOR ISN'T THE TIME TRAVELLER WHO LOST THE SPARK PLUG IN THE DISTANT PAST IN THE FIRST PLACE
God: MAYBE HE'LL SAY ANYTHING TO COVER IT UP
T-Rex: *gasp*
T-Rex (punchline): Conspiracies!!
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1,275 | space restrictions in panel six forced me to cut five paragraphs of stunt description. basically it was the stunt driver pulling every stunt ever pulled, back to back, WHILE SHE PUNCHED OUT TERRORISTS WHO DESERVED IT | T-Rex: If I were impatient, I'd be a jerkier person. I'd always be hurrying people up, and people would not want to hang around me in grocery store lines.
T-Rex: Furthermore, if I didn't have my sense of humour, chicks would like me less!
T-Rex: Clearly, my personality is Important! It's why my friends like me. But strokes can change people's personality, and anyone can have one at BASICALLY any time! It's totally ridiculous. My body already has like five ways it can betray me for no reason that I can name off the top of my head, and those ways are called Alzheimer's, Old Age, Respiratory Failure, Heart Attacks, Terminal Boner Fever, and Dementia. IT DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER.
Utahraptor: "Oooh, look at me, I'm T-Rex and I've found another way to be terrified of the future!"
T-Rex: I'm not!
T-Rex: I'm terrified of DYING. Totally different.
Utahraptor: Most everyone else gets through life without being terrified of death, T-Rex, and some even look death in the face every day! You should talk to stunt drivers, or like, bear aggravators. You could learn from them!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Excuse me, stunt driver? Are YOU afraid of death?
Off panel: The only thing I'm afraid of is NOT parachuting out of a hot air balloon, landing on a motorcycle, and jumping over 16 buses end-to-end!! EXTREME!!
T-Rex (punchline): So... yes?
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1,276 | having a skinny healthy guy say utahraptor's sentence is useful if you ever need to calibrate a machine designed to detect ULTIMATE SMUGNESS | T-Rex: Two months ago I noticed I had a small case of the chubbs! So I decided to lose some weight, and THEN, I lost the weight. I just ate fewer foods?
T-Rex: Guys, this is terrible!
T-Rex: Nobody who's trying to lose weight wants to hear from the guy who shed pounds like they were a Hallowe'en costume... in July, or something. That is to say, "quickly"?
T-Rex: The point is that dieting is about commiserating, and I'm the guy who shows up to the party saying "guys, it's not hard" and that my secret to weight-loss success is "um, eating less."
Utahraptor: Maybe you can present it in a more positive way?
T-Rex: How?
Utahraptor: Well, instead of saying "I just ate less", why not say "While portion control remains the most important part of weight loss, healthier choices and an active lifestyle all contribute towards positive change in our lives"?
T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm your friend and even I hate you a little just from that sentence.
Narrator: LATER:
Off panel: Hey, T-Rex, looking good! Have you lost weight?
T-Rex: Yeah! It took a whole lot of diet plans, and... and breakfast... shakes?
Off panel (punchline): NICE.
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1,277 | this problem could be avoided if sexy images of men and women in swimsuits, wearing mortarboards and pointing to a blackboard on which the subject of the article was written, were inserted mid-way through each article. DON'T KNOCK IT UNTIL YOU'VE TRIED IT | Narrator: GREGOR MACGREGOR COMICS
T-Rex: That name is totally made up. It was made up by a Scottish Enthusiast.
T-Rex: I'm just sayin'.
T-Rex: Anyway, Gregor MacGregor was this explorer adventurer guy in the 1800s!
T-Rex: In 1820 he sailed from the Mosquito Coast of Central America to England, with the news that one of the native kings there had given him 30,000 km² of land! The land was incredibly fertile, the natives helpful, and he'd already established an army, banks, civil service AND democracy there. You couldn't walk without tripping on the gold nuggets that littered the ground, and MacGregor was selling land grants at a very reasonable rate!!
Utahraptor: You're describing the FICTIONAL nation of Poyais, T-Rex! That was a huge scam!
T-Rex: It - what?
Utahraptor: When the colony boats arrived, instead of opera houses they found untamed jungle, tropical disease and venomous snakes. One settler even committed suicide after trading his life savings for passage. By the time a rescue boat was sent and returned to London, 180 of the 240 emigrants had DIED.
God: SEE T-REX THIS IS WHY I KEEP SAYING YOU SHOULD FINISH YOUR BOOKS BEFORE TELLING YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THEM
T-Rex: It wasn't a book!!
T-Rex (punchline): It was a WIKIPEDIA PAGE that got BORING half-way through
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1,278 | a man witnesses all these horrible accidents throughout his life, friends and acquaintances dropping like flies, killed in all these horrible ways. when he finally dies of old age he finds himself in the award ceremony, and he's told about the powers he had, and and he wins the award. everyone in the audience is bandaged. XERIC GRANT PLZ | Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH T-REX HAS DEVELOPED SUPER HEALING POWERS, WHICH ALLOW HIM TO RECOVER FROM ANY INJURY ALMOST INSTANTLY
T-Rex: I wonder if today is a lovely day to go on a walk!
T-Rex: Hey! It IS a lovely day to go on a walk!
Narrator: ANYWAY T-REX NEVER INJURED HIMSELF THAT DAY AND THE POWERS WORE OFF SOON AFTER
Narrator: THE END
Narrator: T-REX'S GREATEST FEAR COMICS
T-Rex: My greatest fear is having superpowers and not realizing it!
Utahraptor: Really?
T-Rex: Oh my God, I'm TERRIFIED of missing out. I might have elevated strength, but I never try to lift a skyscraper over my head, you know? How would I discover which muscles to flex to make lasers shoot out of my hands?
Utahraptor: Hah!
T-Rex: I'm serious! It is The Worst Life.
T-Rex: I don't know I have powers, and over and over again I stand by as everyone close to me gets injured OR WORSE in accidents I could have easily prevented, if only I knew!
T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor! When I die I get an award for "Most Opportunities Missed" and nobody claps!!
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1,279 | Shakespeare, I'd just - I'd love to have some precedent to point to for a burn made down the road. | T-Rex: ...ummary and in conclusion, that's how "in medias res" works! THE END.
Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS
Narrator: today's technique:
Narrator: IN MEDIAS RES
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus.
Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex.
T-Rex: Utahraptor.
Utahraptor: T-Rex! That's not "in medias res"!!
Utahraptor: In medias res is when you join a story mid-way through, not just before the end! It's Latin for "in the MIDDLE of things"? What you're doing is a different literary technique, known only as "Bad Storytelling".
T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well I've got a literary technique for YOU, my friend! It's called TELLING OFF UTAHRAPTOR!!
Narrator: MEANWHILE IN TUDOR ENGLAND
T-Rex: Shakespeare, add a dinosaur character to Hamlet called "Utahraptor" and have Hamlet tell him off, okay?
Off panel: dinosaurs haven't been discovered yet
T-Rex: What's that?
Off panel: DINOSAURS HAVEN'T BEEN DISCOVERED YET
T-Rex (punchline): Shakespeare! Take the credit!!
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1,280 | a guy who acts like a big weiner, or a guy who literally is a giant weiner? whichever is more hilarious; it is probably the latter | Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO END A RELATIONSHIP
Narrator: a comic for dudes and ladies who need to end relationships
Narrator: but who are TOTALLY STUMPED
Narrator: METHOD 1: SAYING "IT'S OVER"
T-Rex: It's OVER!
Narrator: YEAH, LIKE THAT!
Narrator: METHOD 2: SAYING "I'VE MET SOMEONE NEW"
T-Rex: I've met someone new!
Dromiceiomimus: Are they awesome? Maybe we could be friends!
T-Rex: I hadn't expected the conversation to go this way, but... maybe?
Narrator: METHOD 3: FAKING FOREIGN ACCENTS
T-Rex: Vass ess das!
Utahraptor: That's supposed to be - German?
Narrator: HOW ABOUT SMS? YOU COULD ALWAYS BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE OVER SMS.
T-Rex: Ridiculous. What are you going to say? "WE NEED TO BREAK UP ;)"?
Utahraptor: "WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES! ;)"
T-Rex: "SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT :0"
Utahraptor: "R U COOL?? THIS CONVERSATION IS REALLY EXPENSIVE"
Narrator: OKAY FINE T-REX, HOW ABOUT MATURELY DEALING WITH YOUR INTERPERSONAL PROBLEMS? THAT IS HILARIOUS RIGHT
T-Rex: That is kinda hilarious if it's like this big weiner guy doing that!
Narrator (punchline): SUPER
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1,281 | jennifer. jennifer, what if i told you that your name was the most intriguing on all of page 210? | Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO MEET NEW PEOPLE TO DATE
Narrator: a comic for dudes and ladies who are newly single and who are like, man, SCREW THIS
Narrator: METHOD 1: TAKE UP SPORTS!
T-Rex: You can meet people at sports!
Narrator: I GUESS
Narrator: METHOD 2: ASK YOUR FRIENDS IF THEY HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS THEY COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO!
T-Rex: Beyond me, that is!
Narrator: YES. YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY SAY "DO YOU HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS, BEYOND ME, THAT IS" AND THEN DATE WHOEVER THEY COME UP WITH
Narrator: METHOD 3: DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S SIBLINGS!
Utahraptor: Don't date my siblings, T-Rex!
T-Rex: FINE
Narrator: METHOD 4: GOING UP TO STRANGERS AND SAYING "EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU ARE INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE!"
T-Rex: That's kinda sketch. It can go either way but I think it veers wildly towards Sketchtowne.
Narrator: WHAT IF YOU THRUST YOUR HIPS AFTERWARDS
Utahraptor: That - doesn't help?
Narrator: METHOD 5: RANDOM SELECTION FROM THE PHONE BOOK!
T-Rex: Excuse me, are you "Jennifer Klug"?
Off panel: Yes? Are you on speakerphone?
T-Rex (punchline): Jennifer - yes. Do you want a boyfriend who's only a little desperate?
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1,282 | close the door! somebody's analogously eating in here!! | T-Rex: As a gentleman who is not afraid to say what we're all thinking, I'm going to say what we're all thinking.
T-Rex: Guys! We totally need a new analogy for sex!
T-Rex: The one we have now is BROKEN. Sex as hunger? Okay, it works with "sexual appetite" and it works in that you want sex, and then you have sex, and then you're like, man, that's all the sex *I* can handle, and then in a little while you start to get the munchies for sex again. But that's it!
Utahraptor: Sounds like a good analogy to me!
T-Rex: But it's totally not!
T-Rex: I can die if I don't get any food, but if I don't get any sex, then I just - keep on keepin' on? Also if I'm hungry, I can't lock myself in a room and satisfy my hunger with my own food that's BASICALLY almost as good as the genuine item.
Utahraptor: Food that you - produce yourself?
Off panel: Food that the Catholic church really doesn't want you to - eat?
T-Rex: Hah hah, ewwwww! Gross!!
T-Rex (punchline): Seriously though, there are problems with the analogy.
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1,283 | remember the time traveller spammer who needed a dimensional warp generator, back in 2003? i - well, i hope he got his dimensional warp generator | T-Rex: I have begun to receive insulting spam messages: really vitriolic ones!
T-Rex: And there's not even a product to buy!
T-Rex: It's like - it's this one spammer who got SO PISSED that nobody was enlarging their penis anymore that he just went off the deep end. And now he's insulting thousands of people per second in the most hateful vile and terrible screeds I've ever read. So awful!
Utahraptor: But how do you know it's spam?
T-Rex: Huh?
Utahraptor: Well, has anyone else gotten messages like this? Maybe the guy really just dislikes you!
T-Rex: I - I assumed it was spam because of all the spelling mistakes and because the guy's name was "Boorishly P. Foundry"! But - hmm...
Narrator: TEN POINT EIGHT YEARS AGO:
T-Rex: Hey Boorishly! Your name sounds made up!
Off panel: Huh! That didn't get me so mad initially, but I think it's making me madder at the rate of 1/1000th of a rage unit per day!
T-Rex (punchline): Hey Boorishly! WHATEVER
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1,284 | oh my god, that's horrible. in happier news, i did manage to avoid the dog when this happened to ME yesterday morning, and have scratched up my right side. wear a helmet everyone! otherwise today's comic would have been "THANX FOR READING I'M DEAD NOW, BUT GUYS, IT WAS A REALLY CUTE DOG" | T-Rex: Guess who had a bike accident yesterday morning! If you guessed "Shit! T-Rex?" you are correct!!
T-Rex: Also, you shouldn't swear!
T-Rex: But it was me. I was biking and a dog darted in front of me and I guess it turns out I'm not a guy who will run over a dog! I'll run over a squirrel no problem but I swerve and slam on my brakes and go over the handlebars of my bike to avoid hitting a dog.
Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I've always wondered: how do you ride a bike with your tiny ar-
T-Rex: I get them custom made, DROMICEIOMIMUS.
Utahraptor: So you swerved to avoid a dog and were thrown from your bike, going over the handlebars.
T-Rex: Yep!
Utahraptor: So where are the cuts? You should have at least a little road rash.
T-Rex: They're all, um, on my opposite side right now. The side you can't see.
Utahraptor: So turn around!
T-Rex: Hello! I am late for an appointment! Also, I don't have to listen to you!!
Narrator: SUDDEN DEPRESSING ENDING COMICS!
T-Rex: There are no scratches! Alright?
T-Rex: I - I just...
T-Rex (punchline): I wanted to be the guy that swerved
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1,285 | you might be thinking, "where's t-rex's date in panel 6?" panel 6 comes after t-rex has announced he has to go to the bathroom, and he's stopped and turned to say this to his date for some reason. the whole restaurant can hear. IT'S SO AWKWARD | T-Rex: Tired of every day being the same as the last?
T-Rex: Maybe?
T-Rex: Maybe just a little?
T-Rex: Then MAYBE you should try my great idea of assigning an emotion to every day of the calendar!!
T-Rex: For example, January 1st could be "excited". And then January 2nd could be "elated". And then January 3rd could be "disgust".
Dromiceiomimus: So we all have to be excited on January 1st?
T-Rex: No, but it's like - we're aware of it! So it COLOURS the day, and gives us something to look forward to. Every day becomes a holiday! "March 3rd is contentment day!", we'll say. "I hope it comes soon."
Utahraptor: I find it hard to believe you've come up with 365 (to 366) different emotions!
T-Rex: I basically have!
T-Rex: I could only come up with about 20 emotions, but I doubled that by adding "very". Then I doubled them again by adding "not very" and "inappropriately". There's - there's more adverbs.
Utahraptor: I'm not sure if it'll -
T-Rex: I'm doing it and it's gonna be great!!
Narrator: BUT IT IS BAD NEWS FOR FIRST DATES:
T-Rex: Today's Awkward Day, eh? God knows I've already got enough of that!
T-Rex: Hah hah hah
T-Rex (punchline): *sigh*
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1,286 | I CAUTION YOU / IN DEFEATING ORCS WE MAY FIND THE ONLY VILLAIN LEFT TO FACE IS OUR OWN PREJUDICE | T-Rex: Hey, who wants to party? I woke up and I said "I want to party!" and then I gasped because it was BONA FIDE FACTS.
T-Rex: Is this TRULY the day when everyone else wants to party as well?
T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus - wanna party??
Dromiceiomimus: I can't, T-Rex! I've got a dentist appointment.
T-Rex: We can party afterwards!
Dromiceiomimus: Depends on how it goes at the dentist, I think. I don't want to party with new fillings.
T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. He'll want to party! That guy parties like it's 1999, a rock star, AND like Marty.
Utahraptor: I can't, man!
Utahraptor: My brother and his kid are coming over. A quiet night in, you know?
T-Rex: Man! I even checked with God and he was all "I'M BUSY WITH GOD STUFF BLAH BLAH BLAH HEY I'M WAY TOO IMPORTANT TO COME PARTY WITH MY AWESOME DINOSAUR FRIEND". Who am I going to party with, the Devil?
Devil: MMM T-REX I HAVE NEVER RECEIVED SUCH AN INVITATION FROM YOU AND I WILL BE PLEASED TO ATTEND
Devil: IS THIS A PARTY OF THE LAN OR OF THE RPG VARIETY
T-Rex: It's - um, I'm not -
Devil: I CAUTION YOU
Devil (punchline): IT CAN BE BOTH
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1,287 | years from now folks will have forgotten ever saying "you just got schooled" and the pun in my last panel will seem really forced and weird. THIS I PREDICT | T-Rex: Screw all those guys; I can have a fun time without partying! I can have a fun time doing anything. And I'll prove it!
T-Rex: I'll have a fun time learning about ACCOUNTING BEST PRACTICES!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Well Dromiceiomimus, I guess this really just goes to show you: when you spend a few hours reading up on a financial bookkeeping... there's no ACCOUNTING for what you'll learn!
Dromiceiomimus: oh god
Utahraptor: T-Rex! You just spent hours learning about accounting for a pun!
T-Rex: I - I guess!
Utahraptor: You're actually - you're bettering yourself for the sake of a pun. It's impressive. It's annoying AND impressive. It's like you spent years getting a medical degree just so you could mess with Photoshop and claim a picture has been "doctored".
T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome!
Narrator: LATER: MEDICAL SCHOOL!
T-Rex: What's that? Medical school is actually very hard to get into and you're not going to let me in? Well! I guess I've been... SCHOOLED?
Off panel: Not unless you get in, no.
T-Rex (punchline): ...Ah.
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1,288 | it's been puzzling me of late | T-Rex: I wonder what someone studying my life for a FUTURE BIOGRAPHY would think about me. What does it mean that I spend so much time doing the things I do?
T-Rex: And what if they got the analysis wrong?
T-Rex: What if they saw my interest in smooching as indicative of feelings of sexual inadequacy? What if they see my stepping on houses as symbolic of the way I let my rugged manly heart step on all but the most amusing of emotions it experiences?
Dromiceiomimus: Huh?
T-Rex: I'm just concerned that after I'm dead, folks will write books about me filled with sass!
Utahraptor: I think I've figured you out, my friend!
T-Rex: Explain!
Utahraptor: You WANT your actions analyzed. You want it because if a third party analyzes them, not only does that suggest they're interesting, but it also gives them intrinsic meaning: there must be something there worthy of analysis! You never have to worry about living a meaningful life if there's someone else to find meaning for you.
T-Rex: Utahraptor! You realize that you just analyzed my actions today and found meaning in them?
Off panel: Aw man! It wasn't on purpose!!
T-Rex (punchline): I'm going to go write "boners ahoy" on a bathroom wall and then you can tell me why, okay?
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1,289 | SOMETIMES, people can fall in love. everyone loves to be reminded of that! except people who just ended long-term relationships, of which, statistically, there are several reading this text right now. WHOOPSIE DOODLE DOO? | Narrator: T-REX HAS WRITTEN A NEW STORY!
T-Rex: Yes! It's about a guy named "Clarke Kente"! His name is CLOSE to Superman's secret identity, but legally and creatively distinct.
T-Rex: And then in my story Clarke's looking for a girlfriend!
T-Rex: And then he meets a woman named "Louise Laan" and then they're dating and there's some smooching and romance and it all ends in marriage. The end!
Dromiceiomimus: What? That's it? That's the story?
T-Rex: It's a good story! It's heartwarming and the theme is that, SOMETIMES, people can fall in love. Aww! Everyone loves to be reminded of that!
Utahraptor: So do Superman comics exist in this story?
T-Rex: Nope! Nobody knows about Superman.
Utahraptor: Ah, so you use the characters to finally give Clark Kent the quiet and stable relationship with Lois he could never have as Superman.
T-Rex: No, that would be good, but that's not my story. MY story is a simple love tale about simple people, with names that are legally and creatively distinct.
Narrator: LATER: PHONE CALLS!
T-Rex: DC Comics, quit hasslin' me! Clarke and Louise AND Bruce Swaine are my own characters!
Off panel: Um, I'm just a telemarketer who wants to sell you some long distance?
T-Rex (punchline): Listen, if we both pretend we can both get what we want out of this conversation, okay?
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1,290 | YOUR JACKET IS NOW DRY | T-Rex: As of today, I am officially living in the future!
T-Rex: That's because as of TODAY, I am the proud owner of a robot!
T-Rex: His name is Breadmatic 5000 and he's great. His speciality? Baking friggin' bread!
Dromiceiomimus: That's not a robot, T-Rex! That's a standard bread machine.
T-Rex: He's a robot! He's a robot and he sits on the kitchen counter and when I press the "Breadmatic, I would like some bread tonight" button and then put the ingredients inside him, he turns them into bread. You know how he does it? Through ROBOTICS.
Utahraptor: He's not even anthropomorphic!
T-Rex: Robots don't have to be!!
T-Rex: Breadmatic is a box because that is ROBOTICALLY DETERMINED to be the optimal shape for bread production, okay?
Utahraptor: You bought him at the grocery store.
T-Rex: You live in a bland world of consumer electronics, Utahraptor. I live in a world of robot pals who bake me food!
Narrator: THAT EVENING:
T-Rex: Breadmatic, I'm worried! The fact that you're a robot is already coming between me and my non-robot friends!
Off panel: YOUR BREAD IS NOW: READY
T-Rex: Sometimes, Breadmatic, in my most private moments...
T-Rex (punchline): [small] ...sometimes I worry that won't be enough.
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1,291 | "positive change takes TIME, past me. check it out: i didn't even mean for that to be a pun, just good advice!" | Text: The Woman Who Woke Up As A Man
Text: by T-Rex
Text: Once upon a time there was a woman who woke up as a man! That's her. Pretty tough, right? Frig!
Text: Anyway she woke up as a totally tough dude, stepping on houses like they were toy Monopoly houses, like in the picture? Everyone liked her. But her female form was missing and eventually people thought that she was murdered! Nobody believed her that she was a dude now and they thought maybe HE (the girl) murdered her (herself). She went to jail and EVENTUALLY, she died in jail, from a terminal case of too much being... in jail.
Text: THE END
Utahraptor: T-Rex, I read your comic! The one you slipped under my door with the note "FEEDBACK PLZ ;)"?
T-Rex: And?
Utahraptor: Well, okay, you don't explain how or why the woman switched sexes, and I don't get why you wrote a story where a guy who looks like you is a woman, only to basically ignore the premise. And um, the ending was among the most unsatisfying I'd ever read.
T-Rex: I see!
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST!
T-Rex: T-Rex, it's me, T-Rex from the future! Don't let Utahraptor read your comic because he's going to be a dick about it, okay?
Off panel: I still say "dick" in the future?
T-Rex (punchline): I'm from like 2 hours in the future, so YEAH
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1,292 | someone out there is reading this comic and it's their first dinosaur comic ever, and they are thinking, "what is this", and then they pause, and then they look around, and then they think, "what" | Text: "Tina's Curse" by Utahraptor.
Text: Tina Rex was a woman with a curse. Tina Rex was a woman with a very peculiar curse.
Text: Ever since she was six, Tina Rex knew that she was one day to wake up as a man!
Text: She had been given this curse by her stepmother, who hated her, and presumably men as well. The curse didn't scare Tina. Failing to meet monthly progress reports scared her, missing a checkpoint on her Five-Year Plan scared her, but being a man was like being a woman, she figured, only with more prostate exams. She smiled at her joke. Tina Rex woke up as a man on her 31st birthday.
Utahraptor: So! Did you read my rewrite of your comic?
T-Rex: IT WAS SO TERRIBLE
T-Rex: Okay, listen, you're not allowed to rewrite my stories anymore. Prostate exam jokes? Seriously? I stopped reading it three panels in.
Utahraptor: What? It got better! It got great!
T-Rex: It sure did, once I rewrote it extensively!!
Text: TINA, THE DUDE WHO PUNCHED THE FUTURE
Text: Tina is a woman who can Punch The Future. This means that she'd punch somewhere, and then three weeks later you'd walk over there and go "Ow who punched me." One time she punched a monocle guy who said "Ow, my crotch!" and then he turned around and he said "Ow, my bum!!"
Text (punchline): [small] THE END?
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1,293 | alternate endings: "Nothing, YOUR HONOUR", "Nothing, PROFESSOR", "Nothing, SECRET SERVICE AGENT HIDING IN MY ROOM AND TRYING TO SPY ON ME AND DOING A TERRIBLE JOB OF IT. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK." | T-Rex: Today is the day I spend entirely in bed! Is this laziness? No!
T-Rex: I just want to see if I can do it!
Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING:
Dromiceiomimus: Where were you yesterday, T-Rex?
T-Rex: I spent the whole day in bed, Dromiceiomimus! I wanted to see if I could do it.
Dromiceiomimus: Really? You didn't shower or anything?
T-Rex: Nope! And to answer your next question: I HELD IT IN. I held it in, AND THEN, I fell asleep.
Utahraptor: I was trying to call you all yesterday!
T-Rex: Hey, I figured it was you!
T-Rex: But I don't have a phone by the bed, so, you know - sorry? As I'm sure you overheard, I couldn't get out of bed because of SELF-EXPERIMENTATION.
Utahraptor: Well, you missed out on this store giving away free ice cream because their freezer broke! Another store was giving away free chocolates, for reasons less evident.
Narrator: T-REX FEELS REGRET. HE BEGINS A NEW EXPERIMENT: TO BE THE GUY WHO ALWAYS GETS FREE ICE CREAM WHENEVER THERE'S FREE ICE CREAM TO BE HAD.
T-Rex: The experiment continues!!
Off panel: Pardon me?
T-Rex (punchline): Nothing, MOM
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1,294 | is a man not entitled to leaving his socks in the kitchen? "no", says the man in the basement suite, "we share that space". "no", says the man in the room down the hall, "that's gross and nasty". you... rejected those answers. | Narrator: COMICS FOR ROOMMATES
Narrator: (print and save!)
T-Rex: This is a great comic for if you need to talk to a sucky roommate, but then you're like, "Man! I don't want to talk to a sucky roommate!"
T-Rex: Attention, sucky roommate!!
T-Rex: You may be surprised to see this comic lying around. I regret to inform you that it was placed here for a reason! Yes, I'm sorry, sucky roommate, but you are being kind of a sucky roommate.
Dromiceiomimus: Maybe that can change though?
T-Rex: Yes! Maybe if you stopped leaving your used-up socks in the kitchen or whatever?
Utahraptor: On the other hand, the person that left this comic here is kind of a sucky person too!
T-Rex: *gasp*
T-Rex: He or she isn't!! S/he is just a little passive-aggressive. He/she is just tired of picking socks out of the cereal or whatever.
Utahraptor: He slash she should just address these issues directly!
T-Rex: Um, it's way more fun to print out comics than to deal with interpersonal issues?
Narrator (punchline): THE END
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1,295 | BETTY AND VERONICA 4 LYAHHH, NEVERMIND | T-Rex: I've always been reluctant to get a tattoo, because what if my tastes change? I don't want to be the guy at 50 with "BETTY AND VERONICA 4 LYFE" tattooed on my back. I mean, right now I kinda do, but I can see that changing in like two seconds.
T-Rex: But I've come up with a solution!
T-Rex: The whole problem comes from the fact that tattoos can't be altered, but that's not true! For example, imagine I get a tattoo of a butterfly, and THEN, I realize I wish I'd gotten a tattoo of a flexing guy with guns for eyes instead. All is not lost! I just get a tattoo of a flexing guy using his gun eyes to SHOOT the butterfly, and I'm the coolest! I instantly become the coolest dude.
Utahraptor: So each new tattoo shoots the old one, but what happens when you run out of space?
T-Rex: Well!
T-Rex: I acknowledge I have finite room on my body for "the tats", but I don't think I'm THAT indecisive. Anyway, once I have the Enterprise shooting Batman shooting gun eyes shooting a butterfly, I think I'll be happy. I just - I can't ever see regretting that.
Utahraptor: Really?
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE:
[A tattoo on green skin representing T-Rex and USS Enterprise]
Off panel: Wow
Off panel (punchline): Your skin is really green
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1,296 | I HAVE BEEN TALKING LIKE THIS FOR DAYS | T-Rex: Guys, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but, well, here we are. I should just say it.
T-Rex: Bingo is totally suboptimal and inefficient!
T-Rex: Check it out: replace the caller with a computer, and you make the bingo numbers get called like a billion times faster. Replace the bingo players with other computers, and you speed up the rate at which the game is played. Tie both these innovations together and you can play HUNDREDS of bingo games per second! ONCE AGAIN, something has been made orders of magnitude more efficient by simply replacing all life involved with cold and soulless bingo-playing machines.
Utahraptor: But the fun of bingo is in dabbing the numbers, in building up suspense as the game progresses. You've made it boring!
T-Rex: Nope!
T-Rex: My new, hyper-efficient bingo is BASICALLY like putting in your money, pressing a button, and being informed whether or not you've won.
Utahraptor: Exactly!
T-Rex: But that's what slot machines do, and people LINE UP to play them! OH SNAP! IS THIS ANOTHER ARGUMENT WON BY T-REX??
Narrator: THREE DAYS LATER:
T-Rex: HEY UTAHRAPTOR! DO YOU REMEMBER THREE DAYS AGO, WHEN I TOTALLY BEAT YOU IN AN ARGUMENT?
T-Rex: TO BE HONEST
T-Rex (punchline): I'M KINDA LINGERING ON IT
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1,297 | It's not even a game where your role can easily be replaced by a machine. It's a game where you could easily be replaced AND if you don't play optimally, the machine will step in and kick you out. If ever there was a system designed to make the computers running it become thoroughly exasperated with organic life, THIS IS IT. | T-Rex: It turns out there are some regions where my Hyperbingo™ is played. Neat!
T-Rex: And it's all thanks to legal loopholes!
T-Rex: AS IT HAPPENS, in some areas gambling is heavily regulated, but bingo is a special case that isn't. And so companies have built electronic bingo machines, exactly as I envisioned! What's more, some have used bingo as an engine to power other types of gambling, like poker and slot machines. The game plays a hidden bingo game, and if you get a bingo, your slots will ALWAYS come up as three cherries. It's nuts! Bingo's being used in ways GOD NEVER INTENDED.
Utahraptor: But how do they translate bingo into poker? You have choice over what cards stay in your hand!
T-Rex: They CHEAT!
T-Rex: Say you got a quick bingo, and that translates to a royal flush. You're doomed to win! If you throw away all your cards, you're just gonna get dealt the same flush in a new suit. Even if you try to lose, the computer will step in and CHANGE YOUR CARDS, or just make you win the next game.
Utahraptor: Insane!
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE!
Off panel: CITIZENS! YOU HAVE ABUSED THE POWER OF BINGO, AND WE BINGO-POWERED CYBORGS ARE THE PRODUCT OF YOUR BINGO-POWERED HUBRIS. GUESS IF WE ARE GOING TO DESTROY ALL ORGANIC LIFE!
T-Rex: Y- yes?
Off panel: ONE WORD:
Off panel (punchline): BINGO.
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1,298 | friends, i dream of an age of creatures who could high five with their hands and their butts at the same time. i dream of a world where the burden of proof is on the skeptic if a given theory is sweet enough | T-Rex: If you want to know what life on Earth was like yesterday, there's like a billion people you turn to! MORE, probably! Probably more.
T-Rex: But if you want to know about life 6 million years ago, there's only a handful of fossils!
T-Rex: And it would be TOTALLY RAD if this record was all really exceptional people. Like if I lived millions of years ago, only I was a mutant with a fully-formed extra hand growing out of the base of my spine! If I was the only specimen from the time, we might conclude that EVERYONE had butt hands then, and that would be provably hilarious. Then I thought: maybe we're already doing this!
Utahraptor: How do you figure?
T-Rex: Well, maybe we're doing the opposite!
T-Rex: Maybe millions of years ago life was awesome and surreal, but only the boring specimens got preserved. Maybe the non-chumps knew to avoid river beds and tar pits! Maybe dragons don't fossilize.
Utahraptor: That's incredibly unlikely!
T-Rex: You know what else it is? Incredibly AWESOME.
Narrator: YEARS LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): It is impossible to know if my dream came true
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1,299 | who am i to argue with the captain of the enterprise? | T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for riddles! And hey, look at me!
T-Rex: I have the perfect riddle memorized right here, in my awesome brain!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Which creature goes on four feet in the morning, two feet at noon, and three feet in the evening?
Dromiceiomimus: It's a human, T-Rex. Babies crawl on all fours, then they walk around and then when they're old they use a cane. Come on, that riddle's from Ancient Greece. That riddle is so old-school, the techniques necessary for modern school construction won't be invented for two thousand years.
T-Rex: Huh! People know The Riddle of the Sphinx?
Utahraptor: You're surprised?
Utahraptor: T-Rex, it's most likely the oldest riddle on the planet. Without hyperbole, entire civilizations have risen and fallen since someone first came up with that riddle. It predates PAPER.
T-Rex: Well... Patrick Stewart liked it.
Narrator: EARLIER:
Off panel: T-Rex, your riddle spoke to me personally because I started today on four feet, managed to walk on two feet at noon, and now I'm using three feet!
T-Rex: Wow, Patrick Stewart!
Off panel (punchline): It has been a memorable day
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1,300 | frig, my spanish stereotypes are just as out of date as my ideas of what day it is!! | T-Rex: I have filled out change of name forms for Utahraptor! I have done this because I am a good friend who likes to make surprises.
T-Rex: From now on, Utahraptor will be known only as "Utahraptore"!
T-Rex: The added "e" gives him an exotic Spanish flair. Utahraptore, the fiery outlaw fighting for the repressed, the mysterious man of dark passions! The man whose smile disarms the men as easily as his rapier disarms the women. Who is this masked man? Who is this... this Utahraptore?
Utahraptor: I'm not signing those forms!
T-Rex: Come on! It Will Be Awesome.
T-Rex: You'll get a new name and a new reputation AND a new driver's license, and I'll get to say "Oh, him? He's my mysterious friend, Utahraptore." All you need to do is sign!
Utahraptor: I'm not signing them.
T-Rex: Well, frig, this has been a complete waste of a Monday morning!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): Frig, it's actually Tuesday!!
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1,301 | everyone who emailed me yesterday saying "thanks, i thought it was monday but your comic reminded me it was tuesday!", now i must tell you: comics are sometimes FULL OF LIES | Narrator: LATER THAT SAME DAY:
T-Rex: No way! There's no way. "T-Rex" is a great name and IF I were to change it, it would be to "T-Tex", and ONLY if I had a guarantee of oversized cowboy hats.
Off panel: Come on!
Off panel: I think you'd make a great "Shortpants".
T-Rex: Utahraptor, the very mention of the name has filled me with UNSTOPPABLE RAGE! I get that you're trying to revenge yourself on me for filling out your Utahraptore name change forms, but the difference was THAT name is awesome. Shortpants is what you call a dog that - that acts like a squirrel or something. And I'VE - Utahraptor?
T-Rex: Where'd he go?
Utahraptor: I'm right here!
T-Rex: Whatever!!
Utahraptor: Please just sign the name change forms, PLEASE? I'd love to call you Shortpants. "How was your day, Shortpants?" "Stop eating all the ice cream, Shortpants!"
T-Rex: No. T-Tex or nothing.
Utahraptor: Well frig, Shortpants, I guess I'VE wasted a Monday afternoon!
T-Rex: ARGH!
T-Rex (punchline): It's TUESDAY
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1,302 | a button has popped off one of my favourite shirts! in addition, all of the buttons have also popped off all of my shirts. and pants. and i think i learned to dress wrong. | T-Rex: A button has popped off of one of my favourite shirts!
T-Rex: Will NO-ONE sew it back on for me?
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, YOU'RE a good friend! Would you sew a button back onto one of my shirts?
Dromiceiomimus: I could, but this is something you should really learn to do for yourself, T-Rex!
T-Rex: But that's the thing: everyone else has ALREADY learned how to do it, so I'd be needlessly duplicating their efforts if I learned it myself!
Utahraptor: You're justifying laziness through minimizing inefficiencies?
T-Rex: Exactly! At the societal level!
T-Rex: If only 25% of the population learnt button sewing AND everyone had four friends, then we'd expect one friend to do the button sewing when needed, and the remaining three could use that free time to learn something else! SOCIETY ADVANCES.
Utahraptor: I'm not sewing your button on either, T-Rex.
Narrator: YEARS LATER:
Off panel: Excuse me, sir: this is a black tie dinner, and you've shown up completely naked.
T-Rex: I blame society!!
Off panel: Sir
Off panel (punchline): That is not yet on my list of acceptable excuses
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1,303 | joey comeau of a softer world dot com sometimes doesn't do title text on his comics. joey comeau of a softer world dot com needs to smarten up fast. | T-Rex: A Story about a Man, by T-Rex!
T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a radical guy!
T-Rex: He filed his taxes on time, but ONE DAY, the government mailed him and was like, "Dude you need to file taxes for the past five years" and the dude was like "DUDES I ALREADY TOTALLY DID" and the government guy was like "Hah hah, our mistake!" but then their computers kept mailing him threatening "pay your taxes" letters and he felt like the problem would never be fixed and it caused him a lot of stress THE END.
Utahraptor: Autobiographical?
T-Rex: Absolutely not!
T-Rex: FICTION. As a man who is attuned with the world around him, I make up stories that SEEM real, but are actually just lies that I imagined! It's called "writing"; look it up?
Utahraptor: You're sure it's not autobiographical? No problems with the tax man?
T-Rex: No sir!
God: ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN YOU HAVE NO TROUBLES WITH THE TAX MAN
T-Rex: Yep! You know what? I'm not even fully sure what taxes ARE.
God: OKAY YOU ARE A GROWN ADULT SO
God (punchline): THAT'S A CONCERN
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1,304 | what if someone did it for comics OH GOD | T-Rex: People like different songs because they have different tastes in music. This I concede.
T-Rex: However!
T-Rex: I still think there could be One Perfect Song!
T-Rex: I think some day, someone - let's say, ME - might sit down and write a song that is legitimately great. A song that transcends personal taste and never gets old and is everyone's favourite, without exception. The best of all possible songs. What would the music world be like if there were no longer any chance of anyone else having a number one song - THE number one song? What if everyone was left fighting for second place?
Utahraptor: I actually think it would be fascinating!
T-Rex: Really?
Utahraptor: Yeah! It would be amazing seeing how some artists react, knowing that the best epitaph they could hope for was "runner up". I think you'd see a lot of esoteric music, exploring areas that aren't in the number one song!
T-Rex: Well! I guess I'd better get to work, huh?
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE SOMEONE HAS ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED THIS:
Off panel: Yo, I'm not number one but I'm still good / My parents know that I've done / basically the best I could!
T-Rex (punchline): Man! I miss OLD gangsta rap.
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1,305 | JEFF ROWLAND I AM SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR FOOT! MY BROTHER ONCE DROPPED A KETCHUP BOTTLE ON HIS BIG TOE AND THE WHOLE NAIL CAME OFF A FEW DAYS LATER IN ONE GIANT PIECE. IT WAS SO BIG IT ALMOST DIDN'T FIT IN MY MOUTH | T-Rex: If you drop something heavy on your foot, your first instinct is likely to scream in pain.
T-Rex: Dudes and ladies! This is not such a useful reaction!
T-Rex: Screaming doesn't fix the problem, it just draws attention to your bruisey foot. And when your scream is followed by cursing, THAT just says "My foot hurts now, and I believe this is equivalent to poo."
T-Rex: We can do better!
Utahraptor: What else would you suggest?
T-Rex: Anything, man!
T-Rex: Throw a punch! Yell "Totally intentional, folks!!" Tuck into a spin to deflect any other falling items! ANYTHING's better than the standard "ARGH FRIG OW FRIG".
Utahraptor: I think I'd rather NOT be around a guy who punches upon injury.
T-Rex: Whatever, man! Bears do it, and everyone likes bears!
Narrator: LATER, T-REX FEELS REGRET FOR HOW THE CONVERSATION WENT. HE WORRIES THAT UTAHRAPTOR WANTED TO HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION, BUT HE WAS MAKING JOKES ABOUT BEARS.
T-Rex: Sometimes I worry that if I were someone else, I wouldn't want to be friends with me?
Narrator (punchline): THE END.
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1,306 | THEY ARE ALL SUMMERING IN THE TROPICS | God: T-REX IF YOU COULD HAVE A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF ANY ONE THING WHAT WOULD IT BE
T-Rex: Friendship!
God: IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING PHYSICAL
T-Rex: Physical friendship!
God: NO I MEAN IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING YOU CAN BUY AND PUT IN YOUR ROOM
T-Rex: W-water?
God: WATER
God: LISTEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY "GOLD"
T-Rex: Why?
Utahraptor: Why what?
God: BECAUSE THEN YOU GET A BUNCH OF GOLD BUT IT HAS NEGATIVE EFFECTS AND DISTANCES YOU FROM YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU REALIZE THAT FRIENDSHIP IS THE REAL TREASURE
T-Rex: Sorry, Utahraptor, God's hasslin' me. GOD, I said "friendship" at the start of this stupid conversation!!
Utahraptor: I - okay?
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Dear audio diary: today I looked crazy AND I didn't get a lifetime supply of gold OR water. I blame monotheism!
God: I HEARD THAT
T-Rex: Hey! TOO BAD YOU'VE GOT NO OTHER GODS TO COMPLAIN TO, HUH??
God: ARGUABLY
God (punchline): YES
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1,307 | The issue in an ongoing series is once you've done it and it wasn't a fluke, it's like you've shown that one of your characters got Superman powers. And then in the next episode when a building is about to fall over on someone, Superman's running around in circles saying "Oh no what do we do? Frig frig frig" and the audience is sitting there, furrowing their brows, one hand on their chin. | T-Rex: Hey God, you know on Star Trek, when sometimes they go back in time?
God: YEP
T-Rex: It interferes with my ability to enjoy the show!
God: OKAY
T-Rex: Seriously though. It ruins my suspension of disbelief!
T-Rex: The issue is they're traveling back in time in an understood, repeatable way: slingshot around the sun! It's just - why wouldn't they do that all the time? When anything bad happens, whenever there's tension and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance, I always think, "Well, worst case, they could just go back in time and fix this. I wonder - I wonder why they don't do that."
Utahraptor: You can't put the genie back in the bottle!
T-Rex: Utahraptor! Exactly!!
T-Rex: Well, I mean, not EXACTLY. Metaphorically. It was a good metaphor. By "exactly", I meant to communicate "Utahraptor, that is an exact metaphor."
Utahraptor: Gotcha.
T-Rex: Okay. Good. Alright, I'm going to go back to talking about Star Trek now.
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex: Attention, everyone!!
T-Rex (punchline): That was pretty much all I had to say, actually
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1,308 | he's at a board meeting. it's the future! maybe he snuck in? | T-Rex: You know those guys who have been hiccuping for 70 years or whatever? I'm glad I'm not one of those guys.
T-Rex: Hiccuping forever is this weird sort of... forced immortality!
Dromiceiomimus: But I thought you were all about going down in history, T-Rex?
T-Rex: It's true! But on my own terms. I can't control hiccups, so it's really being remembered for something that my body's doing that's really incidental to who I am, you know? Anyone who heard of me would know me as The Hiccup Guy, and it would overshadow anything else I did with my life.
Utahraptor: I think if you cured cancer or something, we'd still know your name!
T-Rex: True!
T-Rex: But the headlines would still be "Hiccuping Doctor Cures Cancer". It's too memorable to overlook! I like the choosing my OWN destiny.
Utahraptor: Okay, so go to that. Choose your own adventure.
T-Rex: Utahraptor, that reference has instantly inspired me to be the best I can possibly be!!
Narrator: LATER, T-REX DISCOVERS THAT 80s REFERENCES WORKED INTO CONVERSATION INSPIRE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING!
Off panel: We're focusing too much on the mistakes of the past. Let's get back to the future, shall we?
T-Rex: YES!! YES, LET'S DO THAT!
T-Rex (punchline): HOLY CRAP
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1,309 | so... why don't you and i go back to your place, put on some nice romantic music, swear each other to silence, and make up a great story we can tell our friends? | Narrator: T-REX HAS BEEN INVITED TO ANOTHER WEDDING.
T-Rex: Yes! And I know what that means...
T-Rex: Ill-advised hookups!!
T-Rex: It's the wedding experience! You get some single people together who think life is a race, and then you convince them THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF WEDDING that the only way to avoid coming in dead last is to get married! The result: hookups!
T-Rex: Hookups Of the ill-advised nature!!
Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex, that's just a stupid stereotype and lame soap opera trope!
T-Rex: Lame and SEXY
Utahraptor: I just think that if you go into this wedding evaluating all the guests by their hookup potential, it'll colour your wedding experience in a really weird way.
T-Rex: Utahraptor, guess what?
Utahraptor: What?
T-Rex: I'm still totally gonna be on the lookout for bad hookups!!
Narrator: AT THE WEDDING.
Off panel: So what are you thinking, baby? Yes or no?
T-Rex (punchline): Um, I'm thinking... that a lot of my internal conflict and malaise comes from the tension between the life I ACTUALLY want to live, and the stories I'd love to be able to tell?
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1,310 | If we don't celebrate these holidays, who will? | T-Rex: I am a man who, when he is at an all-you-can-eat restaurant, will restrict what he eats based on his peers. I don't know when to stop, so I rely on the verbal and non-verbal cues of my dining mates to tell me when I'm full!
T-Rex: I call this condition "Appetite Asperger's"!
T-Rex: It is a hilarious AND excellent name because people with Appetite Asperger's analyze the behaviour of others while eating and come up with a ruleset for saying when they're full. Just like someone with real Asperger's! Only, instead of applying this to social interaction, I apply it exclusively to knowing when to say "Wow, dudes, I'm full! How about you guys, huh? Pretty full? Oh my gosh, me too!!"
Utahraptor: I would've thought you'd call it "T-Rex's Condition" or something!
T-Rex: NORMALLY, I would have!
T-Rex: But I made a list and I've already got like four or five T-Rex's Conditions. Plus, Appetite Asperger's has assonance going for it!
Utahraptor: I suppose. I'm still not comfortable with the name!
T-Rex: And I'M still not comfortable with the full range of my sexuality, but we all have to make do!!
T-Rex: That's right, everyone!
T-Rex (punchline): TODAY IS THE DAY I SHARE MORE ABOUT MYSELF THAN MAYBE I WANTED TO
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1,311 | what you can't see in the last panel are t-rex's thoughts, which are transcribed (verbatim) as "aw man! the one time i didn't pick 'boner'." | God: T-REX PICK A WORD ANY WORD BUT MAKE SURE IT'S A NOUN OKAY
T-Rex: Done!
God: OKAY WHAT WORD IS IT
T-Rex: I'll never say!!
T-Rex: I've read Greek myths, man! I know you guys are all about SNEAKY TRICKS and IRONY and MORALITY TALES in which dudes get wicked punishment for BASICALLY no reason. I don't want to be in any noun-based morality tales! Not unless the moral is "T-Rex Is The Best, Holy Cow You Guys."
God: HEY GUESS WHO'S NOT A GREEK GOD
God: I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT
God: YOU'RE TALKING TO HIM AND HE'S AWESOME
God: ALSO HE'S ME
Utahraptor: What's going on?
T-Rex: God wants a noun!
Utahraptor: And you're not giving it to him?
T-Rex: I was accusing him of the whole "ironic punishment" Greek God thing. But he's not so bad! I give him a hard time sometimes.
T-Rex: Hey God! You want my word? Here it is!
T-Rex: "Meritocracy".
God: FINALLY HERE'S YOUR MADLIB
God: SALLY COULDN'T BELIEVE THE SIZE OF HER MERITOCRACY
God (punchline): I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED
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1,312 | guys the more you look at it the more the phrase "box office" is kinda ridiculous | T-Rex: Wow, that was a terrible movie. Definitely one of the top 50 worst films ever!
God: T-REX THERE IS BARELY 100 YEARS OF FILM SO THAT'S NOT SAYING MUCH
God: A FILM 1000 YEARS FROM NOW BEING ON THAT LIST NOW THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING
T-Rex: Ridiculous!
T-Rex: There's still bad movies. Anyway, most "Worst Book Ever" lists have mainly modern entries despite THOUSANDS of years of book history.
Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, because most ancient texts are lost forever! I'd bet less than 10% of movies are lost and I'm sure more than that amount of text is gone.
T-Rex: How are you measuring volume? Sure ANCIENT books are lost, but we generate so much text today that it's probably a tiny percentage overall!
T-Rex: You have to include web sites, emails, spam...
Utahraptor: You're seriously comparing email to film?
T-Rex: Well!
Utahraptor: Come on! If you're including spam as text, are you including webcams as film? What about security camera footage, stored and erased without ever being watched? And how are we defining worst? Personal taste? Objective value? Box office performance, ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION OF BOTH MONEY, POPULATION, AND BOX OFFICES?
Narrator: ONE WEEK LATER:
T-Rex: What a terrible movie THAT was. I'd definitely rate it one of the Top 50 Worst Films Of All Time!*
Off panel: Did you just make an asterisk sound? Why the asterisk sound?
T-Rex (punchline): OH GOD
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1,313 | today is the day i write a comic where dinosaurs refer to humans as evolving in their past | T-Rex: So, SOMETIMES, archeologists find things that don't belong in their geological contexts: shells where there were no oceans, that sort of thing. And there's lots of explanations like "maybe an animal ate it and pooped it out, GROSS."
T-Rex: But sometimes these objects are found with human remains!
T-Rex: And when that happens they call it a manuport: something that was carried by hand by ancient dead dudes. Manuports are neat because they show you what ancient dead dudes found interesting! And the most awesome manuport is the oldest one, called the Makapansgat pebble. It dates to 3 million years ago!
Utahraptor: There weren't humans around to carry it 3 million years ago, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Nope!
T-Rex: But there were PROTOHUMANS. Australopithecines! And the Makapansgat pebble has this natural "eye eye mouth" face shape on it. A protohuman had enough curiosity and aesthetic sense, 3 MILLION YEARS AGO, to see the face in the rock, and thought it was special enough to carry around with him until he died.
T-Rex: I think it's beautiful and amazing that millions of years later, another human being dug up the same pebble, recognized the same face, and maybe even, for a moment, dreamed the same dreams.
Off panel: You stepped on a human being back there.
T-Rex (punchline): That's - um, that's beautiful too?
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1,314 | so i was watching the golden girls on dvd a few years ago at a party (WOO!!! SPRING BREAK) and the pilot episode goes to great lengths to explain that Sophia's rudeness throughout the series was the result of a stroke. it was like the midichlorians from star wars, but they actually WERE in the first episode produced. so anyway, the take-away here is that george lucas ripped off golden girls | Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: IF YOU COULD LOSE ANY SENSE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
T-Rex: My sense of proprioception!
T-Rex: That's the sense that lets you know where your body parts are at any given time!
T-Rex: And it's ALSO a sense that gets dulled when you drink, which is why you have trouble touching your nose with your eyes closed in such situations. You're forced to rely on proprioception, and with it dulled, you miss! You poke out your eye with your hand or whatever.
T-Rex: Proprioception!
Utahraptor: And you really want to be CONSISTENTLY SURPRISED about where your limbs are when you can't see them?
T-Rex: Maybe!
Utahraptor: You know what? I don't think you would! I think you ACTUALLY chose proprioception because it's not one of the classical five senses, and you wanted to be Mr. "Look At Me Guys I Chose An Unexpected Answer".
T-Rex: Oh, it's true! But I messed up. I'd really prefer losing nociception: the sense of pain!
Narrator: BUT THAT IS A LIE TOO!
Off panel: T-Rex, I'm afraid this accident has robbed you of one of your senses: the sense of what's appropriate in a given social situation!
T-Rex (punchline): yessssss
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1,315 | it turns out i basically already wrote yesterday's comic on December 11th 2006! but you can read yesterday's comic as a sequel to that, only with utahraptor being all "t-rex you can never win with me, my friend" | Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: IF YOU COULD GAIN ANY SENSE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
T-Rex: A sense of FUTURE sight! Dudes!
T-Rex: I could look around and say "In ten minutes, it's going to rain!"
T-Rex: But then the downside is that if I saw a car accident, I'd be duty-bound to try to prevent it. And PLUS, once word got out about my awesome power, whenever I was with my friends and they tripped or whatever, they'd blame me! They'd sit on the ground rubbing their knee saying "THANKS T-REX" with ultimate sarcasm when THEY were the clumsy chumps!
Utahraptor: Well, why wouldn't you warn us?
T-Rex: Maybe my mouth was full!
T-Rex: Maybe I was warning someone else to my left! MAYBE RISK IS PART OF FREEDOM AND BY PROTECTING MY FRIENDS FROM ALL POSSIBLE DANGER I STUNT THEIR GROWTH AND BECOME THE SINGLE GREATEST THREAT TO THEIR OWN SELF-REALIZATION??
T-Rex: Also, maybe the guy tripping was HITLER.
T-Rex: That's right, Utahraptor! I'll say I'm friends with Hitler to win an argument!!
T-Rex (punchline): It is the "Reverse Godwin" and the most powerful debate technique ever?
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1,316 | everyone, think of how much fun things would be if we used "fubs" instead of "um"! police would be all, "where were you the night of april 21st, son?" and we'd be all, "fubs, uh, fubs..." | T-Rex: Hey, is it FUBSY in here? It feels like it's fubsy in here. Are you wondering what "fubsy" means, God?
God: NOPE
T-Rex: "Short and stout; squat!"
T-Rex: I was using it incorrectly!
T-Rex: It's just - it's such a good word, I wish I had more chances to use it. Would you say you're FUBSY, Dromiceiomimus?
Dromiceiomimus: I sometimes feel fubsier than most, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Are we TRULY the fubsiest??
Utahraptor: Do you know what someone who is fubsy is called?
T-Rex: What?
Utahraptor: Fubs!
T-Rex: FUBS! Oh my goodness. I have to get a dog so I can name him Fubs.
Utahraptor: You already have a dog, the angriest dog in the world, if I recall correctly.
T-Rex: From now on he's Fubs! His SUBTITLE is The Angriest Dog In The World.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Aw man, who peed on my couch? I bet it was Fubs!!
T-Rex: [thinks] Hah hah hah! "Fubs".
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] It's Still Good!
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1,317 | MY BROTHER TOLD ME THIS JOKE OVER THE PHONE AND THEN WE WORKED TOGETHER TO RECONSTRUCT HOW FUNNY IT MUST HAVE BEEN BEFORE HE HEARD IT | T-Rex: Time for a funny joke, everyone! Alright? Alright.
T-Rex: Okay, so this man gets into a car accident and wraps his car around a telephone pole!
T-Rex: And there's this passer-by who is, um, passing by, and he happens to see it. He rushes over to the crumpled car and says "Oh my God, are you okay??" and the guy says "Well, I get by!"
Dromiceiomimus: ... I don't get it.
T-Rex: The driver misunderstands the question; he thinks it's about whether or not he makes enough money to "get by" in today's difficult world!
Utahraptor: But nobody says "Oh my God, are you okay??" to mean "Oh my God, do you have a sufficient salary??"
T-Rex: Sure they do!
Utahraptor: No they don't! They lock eyes with you and say "Are you doing alright?" with a hand on your shoulder or something. Honestly, this joke seems like it could have been funny at some point, but you telephone gamed it in your head and it doesn't make sense anymore.
Narrator: EARLIER:
Off panel: So he rushes over and puts a hand on the guy's shoulder and says "Oh my God, are you okay? Are you doing alright?" and the guy says "I make a comfortable living!"
T-Rex (punchline): Hah! I think I get it! Listen, I'm gonna BASICALLY commit parts of this joke to memory.
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1,318 | that "likes food" background character guy? he's me. i know the day i hear someone within earshot, but still far enough away that i'd have to run up to them to talk, actually say "where's the beef?": this is my moment. this is my line. this is how i will be remembered. "...Did someone say BEEF??" | T-Rex: It is common to imagine your life as a story, with yourself as the main character! It's a story with no real climax that always ends with you totally dead.
T-Rex: However!
T-Rex: My issue is that STUFF happens to main characters: dramatic stuff! Stuff that's not always good. It would be fun to be a bit character, a guy who gets one or two lines and whose personality is encapsulated in a few words: 'likes boats', 'old and wise', or 'eats a lot and, therefore, can't control himself around food. When someone says "Where's the beef?" he runs up and says, "Did someone say BEEF?" because that is definitely how people who like food act.'
T-Rex: Then I was thinking, maybe I am that!
Utahraptor: But you've said WAY more than two lines, my friend!
T-Rex: Yeah, but it's Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, right? I've got my own life, but it only counts when I'm around the main character. Everything else is forgotten!
Utahraptor: So who's the main character?
T-Rex: ...Dromiceiomimus?
Narrator: MUCH LATER, OUTSIDE DROMICEIOMIMUS' HOUSE.
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Are you in?
Off panel: T-Rex?! What are you doing here? It's late! It's 3 AM!
T-Rex (punchline): I - like boats?
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1,320 | HAHA I SHOUTED IT AFTER SOMEONE WHO WAS RUNNING | T-Rex: I think we can all agree that as popular culture shifts with time, there were some years that were great, and there were some years that were way terrible.
T-Rex: For example!
T-Rex: Everyone knows that the 1920s were awesome ultimate fun times (on account of flappers and swing music!), and everyone knows that the 1970s were a decade of bad decision after bad decision: a cacophony of just - really bad decisions.
Dromiceiomimus: I think that some folks like the 70s.
T-Rex: Hilarious!
T-Rex: However, I have studied the past 2000 years and come up with the DEFINITIVE cultural low.
Utahraptor: Really? 2000 years?
T-Rex: Yes, Utahraptor: I have gone over 2000 years and found the global minimum: the exact day when North American, and indeed, world culture reached its, um, opposite of zenith.
Utahraptor: Nadir.
T-Rex: Yes. And it's the day AFTER the film "Forrest Gump" was released: July 7th, 1994.
Utahraptor: But... why?
Narrator: THURSDAY, JULY 7TH, 1994: 8:04 AM. T-REX IS RUNNING TO CATCH A BUS.
Off panel: Run Forrest, run!!
T-Rex: FRIG!!
T-Rex (punchline): That's really obnoxious!
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1,321 | people in relationships: you're no better! excepting your current one, every single relationship YOU'VE ever had has been so unsuccessful it's ended in breakups too. unless you're this really successful polyamorist, in which case, well, YOU can excuse yourself from the room while the rest of us feel bad and stare at our shoes. | T-Rex: Frig, man! Frig!
T-Rex: FRIG.
T-Rex: I've got one thing to say, Dromiceiomimus! Do you know what it is?
Dromiceiomimus: A minced oath?
T-Rex: Frig!
T-Rex: Probably!!
Utahraptor: So what's up? What went wrong?
T-Rex: Oh, nothing. Frig.
T-Rex: Nothing I want to talk about anyway, frig.
Utahraptor: Okay. Frig though, right?
T-Rex: Yes, frig! Frigs and dangs, drats and cruds. Heck!
T-Rex: ...FRIG.
Narrator: EARLIER:
T-Rex: It occurs to me that, as a single man, every romantic relationship I've ever had has ended in breakups!
T-Rex (punchline): I think every time I remember this I'll swear a li'l and feel bad about myself
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1,322 | BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO BE TAILS | Devil: GREETINGS T-REX I HAVE A QUERY
Devil: ARE YOU AWARE WHICH VIDEO GAME CONSOLE IS NOW THE BEST OF ALL TIME
T-Rex: Super Nintendo?
Devil: Y-
Devil: YES
Devil: I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD SAY SOMETHING ELSE
T-Rex: Nope! Super Nintendo!
Devil: MMM I MUST CONFESS TO HAVING THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION PLANNED OUT IN MY HEAD BUT I FAILED TO ANTICIPATE THIS RESPONSE
Devil: PERHAPS YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR ANSWER TO THE VECTREX AND THEN WE COULD PROCEED
Devil: ALTERNATIVELY SHOULD YOU CHOOSE THE GENESIS I HAVE PREPARED AN EXCELLENT ESSAY-RESPONSE
T-Rex: Sorry? I said the SNES was the best console ever because I never had one and they looked fun!
Utahraptor: No way, man! The Genesis was the best console ever!
T-Rex: Hey! Perfect!
T-Rex: Did you hear that? Utahraptor says the Sega Genesis was the best ever! Did you hear that?
T-Rex: Did you hear that?
T-Rex: Did you -
Utahraptor: YES I DID HEAR MYSELF
T-Rex: I WAS TALKING TO THE DEVIL ABOUT VIDEO GAMES UTAHRAPTOR
Off panel: OKAY FINE WHATEVER I'M GOING TO GO PLAY SEGA GENESIS
T-Rex: CAN I COME
Off panel: I AM THINKING NO
T-Rex: AW MAN
Off panel (punchline): OKAY NOW I AM THINKING YES
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1,329 | in history a person might ride their horses into school, just because cars aren't invented yet. THAT was the sort of thing they did in history, utahraptor. | Narrator: SCIENCE IN THE YEAR 65,000,000
T-Rex: What will science be like in the year 65,000,000? Friends! I am here to tell you: many amazing advances will be made!
T-Rex: Think of how far we've come in just the past one hundred years!
T-Rex: And the pace of innovation is only accelerating. Consider that iPods from only five years ago are now LUDICROUSLY UNACCEPTABLE, when in history a person might own a single record player their entire lives! It is certain that in the year 65,000,000 marvels dwarfing even branded consumer electronics await us. What new and fundamental discoveries about the universe are ahead? Will our personal holographic media players ALSO accept phone calls??
Utahraptor: I believe they may not!
T-Rex: Explain!
Utahraptor: I mean only to suggest that the uninterrupted progress of the past century could in fact BE interrupted, perhaps by a planet-wide and biblically awesome catastrophe SO HUGE that intelligent life is forced to re-evolve from scratch. In the year 65,000,000 we may just be catching up to where we are now!
T-Rex: Utahraptor!
Off panel: Yes?
T-Rex (punchline): The new MacBooks have cases that are made out of ALUMINUM.
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