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1,005 | guys i know that descartes originally wrote 'je pense, donc je suis' in french and not in latin but the latin quote is the famous one so t-rex is being an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR here. also, hey, it's the 17th century, let's translate french into latin for no good reason huh?? | T-Rex: Descartes was a dude who wrote "Cogito ergo sum" which means "I think, therefore I am". PRETTY NEAT, cats and kittens!
T-Rex: But also... PRETTY FLAWED??
T-Rex: The whole deal with "I think, therefore I am" is that Descartes is all "DAAAAAAMN, I can't be sure of ANYTHING! My senses are flawed. All I know for sure is I keep STRESSIN' about this stuff!" and then his girlfriend is all "If you're so hung up on this then you must exist, huh baby?" and Descartes is all "Yes. That is true. I will write this down in Latin."
T-Rex: That is how it went down.
Utahraptor: So what's the problem, besides your unnecessary storytelling?
T-Rex: Descartes' girlfriend!
T-Rex: She's making a huge logical leap! It's indisputable that thinking is going on, right, but we don't know for sure that Descartes is doing the thinking! All we know for sure is that thinking is going on.
Utahraptor: I agree!
T-Rex: R-Really?
Off panel: Yeah! You can't have thinking in a vacuum, so SOMETHING must exist if there's thinking going on...
T-Rex and off panel: ...but to attribute that thinking to yourself just because you're aware of it is an awful big leap for a skeptic to make!
T-Rex (punchline): OH MY GOODNESS HOW DID WE JUST DO THAT
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1,007 | now, if you'll excuse me, i'm TRYING to write william shakespeare's ''hamlet''!! | T-Rex: Pathetic fallacy is when nature reflects someone's emotions. It happens whenever Shakespeare gets pissed, and then the dude who he's pissed at gets eaten by a bear!
Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS
Narrator: today's technique:
Narrator: PATHETIC FALLACY
Dromiceiomimus: That's not pathetic fallacy! It's when you give emotions to the inanimate: "ice wants to float", and so on. It can also happen when weather mirrors a character's emotions, like when Shakespeare gets sad, and it starts to rain. I think that's what you meant?
T-Rex: OR, when Shakespeare gets pissed, and then a bear shows up and eats whoever pissed him off!! Hah, looks like YOU pissed off the wrong playwright, dude! He's in with the BEARS!!
Utahraptor: The phrase comes about because of the "pathos" meaning of "pathetic"!
T-Rex: Yes!
T-Rex: And "fallacy" is there because in real life it doesn't actually rain when I get sad.
Utahraptor: Maybe it doesn't happen for you because YOU'RE not a main character! In the story of life?
T-Rex: I don't know why you'd say that to me, Utahraptor.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND!
T-Rex: William Shakespeare, if you were pissed off at me, would I REALLY get eaten by a bear?
Off panel (punchline): i don't even know who you are!!
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1,008 | this can be you tomorrow: ''hey there, teens! have i got jokes for you!!'' | Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH GOD HIMSELF QUOTES WERNER HERZOG.
God: LIFE IN THE OCEANS MUST BE SHEER HELL
T-Rex: I guess so, huh?
God: A VAST, MERCILESS HELL OF PERMANENT AND IMMEDIATE DANGER
T-Rex: Yep!
God: SO MUCH OF A HELL THAT DURING EVOLUTION SOME SPECIES - INCLUDING MAN - CRAWLED - FLED ONTO SOME SMALL CONTINENTS OF SOLID LAND WHERE THE LESSONS OF DARKNESS CONTINUE
T-Rex: That's certainly one way of looking at it, right, Dromiceiomimus?
Narrator: the end
Narrator: COMICS FOR TEENS
Narrator: today's installment:
Narrator: "THE PRIVATE TOOTER"
T-Rex: What do you call a teacher who never passes gas in public?
Utahraptor: What?
T-Rex: A private tooter!
Narrator: SECONDS LATER:
T-Rex: That was an extremely hilarious joke that deserved more laughter than it received.
Narrator (punchline): the end
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1,009 | i accidentally wrote 'SIRE, you have made an unforgettable choice' and was seriously tempted to leave it. that would be one impressed optometrist clerk! | T-Rex: I went to the optometrist AGAIN last night, and AGAIN she said I might need to get nerd goggles!
T-Rex: (She called them "glasses" but you can tell she was thinking "nerd goggles"!)
T-Rex: The PROBLEM is that I define myself in terms of not having glasses! People are always "Oh, you're looking for T-Rex? He's the green tyrannosaurus rex over there! You'll be able to spot him because he's so not wearing glasses."
Dromiceiomimus: Aw, I think you'd look cute in them! I also think you can turn this around and make glasses your thing, you know?
Narrator: SHORTLY THEREAFTER.
T-Rex: Maybe Dromiceiomimus is right!
Utahraptor: She usually is!
T-Rex: I COULD get some pretty kick-ass glasses. Like glasses that say "WARNING: AWESOME DUDE" on them! OOH, or horn-rimmed 60s housewife glasses! Sweetness!
Utahraptor: You'll have to wear them every day, so maybe you'll, um, want to see how they look before you commit?
Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER:
T-Rex: I'm here to pick up my prescription "Happy New Year 2004" glasses! They have a plastic "2" on one side and a "4" on the other.
Off panel: Sir, you have made an unforgettable choice.
T-Rex (punchline): I like you too, optometrist clerk!
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1,010 | UTAHRAPTOR maybe in an alternate timeline i'm being less of a jerk right now, but that's just rampant speculation, okay? | Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A PROFESSIONAL SINGER:
T-Rex: Rock star!
Narrator: ROCK STAR
T-Rex: I'm a totally cool rock star!
T-Rex: That's still awesome, right? It seems like 10 years ago people were more into rock stars and being rock stars than they are now. But I am a rock star and it is my job to sing rock songs on stage and in CD players!!
Dromiceiomimus: Do your other rock star friends talk like that? Do they reference themselves as "cool rock star[s]"?
T-Rex: Sometimes we do, Dromiceiomimus. BETWEEN ROCK SONGS, THAT IS!!
Utahraptor: Hey, how come we never get to meet your rock star friends?
T-Rex: Well - um...
Utahraptor: Are you ASHAMED of us, T-Rex?
T-Rex: No! They're just different people! You wouldn't get along. They like rocking and you -
Utahraptor: I like rocking!
T-Rex: But in DIFFERENT WAYS.
T-Rex: Utahraptor, I've got to go practice rocking out now, but can we talk about this tonight?
Off panel: No! You're being a jerk!
T-Rex: Utahraptor! I'm super late for rocking out practice, okay?
T-Rex (punchline): I'm gonna need you to respect the rock, okay?
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1,011 | dear diary: WORST ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE EVER? seriously, diary. | T-Rex: I have some bad news: zombies are in danger of becoming old hat! It's TRUE. But I have a solution to make them interesting again: all you need is stories where not just people, but ANIMALS become undead!
T-Rex: Zombie whales!
T-Rex: But better than that: zombie BIRDS.
Dromiceiomimus: Didn't Hitchcock make a movie about that?
T-Rex: Upon inspection: basically? The birds DID want to eat people in his movie. But that's a scary concept, right? Birds hungering for flesh is bad news for everyone!
T-Rex: It's, uh, it's especially bad news for fleshy dudes.
Utahraptor: You're dancing around the REAL threat here, T-Rex: ZOMBIE MOSQUITOES.
T-Rex: OH
T-Rex: MY
T-Rex: GOD
T-Rex: You're right! The infection would spread quickly and nearly invisibly! And mosquitoes already want blood, so it's not like they need THAT much encouragement to become zombies. Man!
Utahraptor: I guess we can only hope that the insect kingdom never becomes zombified?
T-Rex: I guess so!!
Narrator: 28 DAYS LATER:
Off panel: Save us! Save us from the zombie butterflies!
T-Rex (punchline): WEAAAAAAAAK
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1,012 | NEW READERS: morris is a tiny bug that hangs out on t-rex's nose sometimes. ALSO, NEW READERS: YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR MOUSE OVER THE COMIC TO GET A LITTLE EXTRA JOKE AT THE END OKAY?? | T-Rex: Hello Morris! How are you today?
Morris: [flying] oh hello there t-rex! it's super nice to see a friendly face today
T-Rex: It's nice to see you too, Morris!
Morris: [on T-Rex's nose] aw shucks t-rex, you're a real good friend, you know that? a real good friend. anyway, you should be extra careful not to eat me today or anything because i guess i got turned into a zombie last night! today has definitely had its share of challenges for me, huh
T-Rex: What?! Seriously?
Morris: yeah! and i dunno what i did wrong because i went to bed like normal last night but when i woke up in the morning i had zombie disease! so it was real embarrassing
Morris: but don't worry, i'm not going to turn you guys into zombies too! i wouldn't be a very good friend if i did that, and the book i got at the centre says that being a good friend is awful important!
Morris: i always try to be a good friend, even though things pretty often don't work out very well for me in the end
Utahraptor: Aw, Morris! You don't look very undead to me!
Morris: aw, that probably just means i've messed up somewhere, again. the problem is that i'm not real good at biting people, you know? and biting people is all zombies do! i didn't know, but being a zombie is an awful hassle
Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure you're not actually undead, Morris! Normally zombies can't talk.
T-Rex: Yeah, or work on their Life Challenges! I think you're FINE.
Morris: you mean i'm doing that wrong too? oh goodness, i must be the worst zombie going. plus that book i got out from the centre is way overdue!
T-Rex: It's not too late to return it, Morris!
Morris: but i promised the staff there that i'd be extra certain to return it on time!
Morris (punchline): i guess i'm probably off your christmas card list this year, huh t-rex
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1,013 | GUYS i'm calling this one for t-rex. t-rex is the first one to apply the ''because seven ate nine'' joke on e, okay? TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND POPULAR CULTURE | T-Rex: I am jealous of physicist RICHARD FEYNMAN.
T-Rex: Aaaand here's why!
T-Rex: Dude made a joke about 762nd decimal place of pi! At that point, there's a sequence of six nines in a row, and his joke was that he'd like to memorize pi up to that point, so that when reciting it he could end with "9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9... and so on." Others had noticed it before but FEYNMAN was the first to make a joke about it, and now his joke is encoded into the very fabric of the universe!
T-Rex: In base 10!
Utahraptor: And that makes you irrationally jealous?
T-Rex: Hells yes!
T-Rex: Feynman has a JOKE encoded into pi - transcendental immortality in the circumference of a circle! That's something for the ol' resume, eh?
Utahraptor: I guess!
T-Rex: I'm gonna make my own universal constant joke now, and I'm gonna need you to tell people about it.
T-Rex: So! Why do people start getting afraid at the 2501st digit of e? Because 7 8 9!
T-Rex: There's a sequence of "789" that starts there, and it sounds like "seven ate nine"!
T-Rex (punchline): This is definitely called "T-Rex's Hilarious e Joke", okay?
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1,014 | 'CAUSE THEY'RE DINOSAURS, RIGHT?? | Narrator: THE PROBLEM WITH RELATIONSHIPS
T-Rex: The problem with relationships is that they involve more than one person! And here's the thing...
T-Rex: ...what if one of the people involved is a jerk?
T-Rex: They can jerk the whole thing up! What's up with them?
Dromiceiomimus: Yeah! What IS up with the jerks?
T-Rex: I wish I knew!!
T-Rex: I -
T-Rex: I wish I knew.
Utahraptor: You know who this reminds me of? Jake!
T-Rex: Oh man, Jake!
T-Rex: He was the biggest jerk! Do you remember when I asked him if I could borrow his pencil sharpener, and he said "no" and then hid it from me? He jerked up that relationship but good!
Utahraptor: I don't think I was there for that.
T-Rex: Huh! I wonder what he's up to these days?
Off panel: I'm up to about 6 feet, dudes!
T-Rex: Jake! Your sudden appearance coupled with your hilarious one-liner has made me forget all your previous slights against me!
T-Rex (punchline): ...How come you're so short?
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1,015 | saying that is like unwrapping the paper on the present that is old age | Narrator: T-REX AS AN OLD MAN COMICS
T-Rex: Guys, I'm still the same T-Rex I always was!
T-Rex: I'm even pretty well preserved: check it out, Dromiceiomimus! Barely any wrinkles!
Dromiceiomimus: That's nice, T-Rex.
T-Rex: Also I've still got my trademark "nice calves" and "young smile".
T-Rex: I'm so old! AND YET, I'm so sexy!
Utahraptor: Hey, you know what's rad? Old dudes not talking about how sexy they are!
T-Rex: I'm young at heart!
T-Rex: I just don't want to be one of those guys who lets being old be - all they do, you know? Being old is at best incidental to what I do, and what I do is BE TOTALLY RAD.
Utahraptor: And totally self aggrandizing.
T-Rex: And that! In between radness! My point is: I'm not old.
Narrator: BUT SECRETLY, WHEN T-REX IS HOME ALONE:
T-Rex: Gosh darn it!
T-Rex (punchline): If these rappers spoke more slowly, we'd ALL be able to understand what they're saying.
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1,016 | oh, sexual congress! how do you ever get any business done? | Narrator: WHAT IS THE BEST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS
T-Rex: "I love you"!
T-Rex: No, too easy. Um - "I love you, AND ALSO, how about all these dollars?"
Dromiceiomimus: How about "We have cured all diseases!"?
T-Rex: No good, unless it's followed by "also, we've found new places for everyone to live comfortably; and hey, guess what: they're sweet new planets and we get there on starships, like from TV!"
Utahraptor: I would have thought you'd choose something closer to "And THAT'S why they call me the Widowmaker".
T-Rex: That IS good!
T-Rex: How about "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around!"
Utahraptor: It sounds a little like there's a bunch of female cannibals eating you.
T-Rex: Okay. "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS!"
Narrator: HEY! HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE:
T-Rex: Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS!
Off panel: We're just a regular congress!
Off panel: Also, we're dudes!
Off panel (punchline): Also... PROCEED
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1,017 | that cockroach sentence comes from my text adventure epic, ''your mouth is full of cockroaches.'' it's like a regular text adventure, except every room description starts with that sentence. if you type 'remove cockroaches from mouth' all it says is ''you think about it, and decide you just don't want to do that.'' | Narrator: WHAT IS THE WORST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS
T-Rex: "Your mouth is full of cockroaches: many of them are dead, but those that aren't yet are throwing up on you, and each other."
Narrator: SECONDS LATER:
T-Rex: I'm sorry, everyone within the sound of my voice! That was disgusting!
T-Rex: I didn't mean for that to be as gross as it was. I should have went with "I never loved you!". That's pretty bad, eh?
Dromiceiomimus: Can cockroaches throw up? I think I read somewhere that they can't throw up.
T-Rex: I think you're thinking of rats.
Dromiceiomimus: Ah, that's right.
Utahraptor: So, I guess we're not that into the "worst sentence ever" thing?
T-Rex: No no, we're into it!
T-Rex: Here: how about "Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you will die only when you've fully mourned each and every one."
Utahraptor: That's not bad! That's immortality for the self centered!
Narrator: HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE:
T-Rex: Excuse me, sexual congress? Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you'll only die when you've fully mourned each and every one!
Off panel: That's terrible!
Off panel (punchline): Guys, stop sexing me for a minute!! I need to talk to this dinosaur.
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1,018 | SHAKESPEARE i know it's not your best play, but you could at least use a friggin' napkin! | T-Rex: Chekhov's gun is when you have something conspicuously introduced early on in the story, but which doesn't become important until later on! It happens whenever Shakespeare loudly mentions how he loves Pop Tarts, and later he eats a bunch of Pop Tarts!
Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS
Narrator: today's technique:
Narrator: CHEKHOV'S GUN
T-Rex: It comes from this playwright Chekhov, who said that if you have a gun on the stage in the first act of a play, it had better be fired by the third! It's been used to sustain interest since forever: James Bond often gets a bunch of gadgets at the beginning of his movie which he'll use later on, and even Perseus got gadgets from the GODS to kill Medusa with! It's the same idea, only Bond's better because he has more explosions. Looks like you lose, Perseus!!
Utahraptor: So if you have Bond getting gadgets that he doesn't use, that's not Chekhov's Gun?
T-Rex: Nope!
T-Rex: That's just FRUSTRATED EXPECTATIONS. Honestly, why give James Bond a gun that shoots piranhas if he's never going to fire it? People truly want to see that in action. Also: guns that shoot chainsaws.
Utahraptor: I'd like to see your Bond movie.
T-Rex: I WOULD TOO, darn it.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND!
T-Rex: Shakespeare, which is better: a gun that shoots chainsaws, or a gun that shoots EVEN BIGGER GUNS?
T-Rex: Shakespeare?
T-Rex (punchline): Aw, come on! There's strawberry frosting all over "As You Like It"!
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1,019 | meanwhile, sony is slowly driving by in a matte black truck, snapping pictures the entire time. | T-Rex: I am not a dude who loves big companies.
T-Rex: ...Sometimes I like their products?
T-Rex: But I don't feel chummy with Microsoft, or that Sony is going to come over, eat pizza with me, and talk about the women he likes! No. Sony is going to come over and ruffle through my CD collection, then go into the bathroom and call the cops on his cell phone. Sony is going to write swears on my bathroom mirror with lipstick and blame it on Nestlé.
T-Rex: SONY is going to be stone cold sober the entire time.
Utahraptor: But let me guess: there's one big company that you really like?
T-Rex: There is indeed!!
T-Rex: NINTENDO. I guess they got me when I was young and uncritical, but I really LIKE them, you know? When they do well, I seriously think, "Aw, that's nice. Good for them!"
Utahraptor: When multinationals do well, I usually feel like that's bad news for me.
T-Rex: Me too! But not with Nintendo!
T-Rex: You know what would go down if Nintendo came over? I'd say, "Oh, hello, Nintendo! It's so nice to see you again!"
T-Rex: "Aw, shucks! I guess it IS true that you're never too old to hug, Nintendo!"
T-Rex (punchline): "Nintendo, I just... I JUST WISH I HAD A SISTER YOU COULD MARRY."
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1,020 | t-rex doesn't swear that often so when he does he tries to make it special. for everyone? | Narrator: EIGHTEEN HOURS AGO.
T-Rex: Aw damn! My freezer is broken!
Narrator: SEVENTEEN HOURS AGO.
T-Rex: So do you want to come over for a meat party tonight, Dromiceiomimus? I had my freezer stuffed with meat and it's all thawing now. The chicken's got to be cooked and I figured there's more than enough to go around! I've also got steaks AND pork chops and tons more.
Dromiceiomimus: Meat party!
T-Rex: MEAT PARTY!!
Narrator: TWELVE HOURS AGO.
Utahraptor: This meat is extremely delicious!
T-Rex: I know it!!
Utahraptor: Never have I tasted the flesh of SO MANY animals in so short a time period.
T-Rex: I only wish I'd frozen lobsters!
Utahraptor: Next time, I guess!
Narrator: THE PRESENT:
T-Rex: Four hundred dollars for a new freezer?
T-Rex: BULL
T-Rex (punchline): SHIT
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1,021 | he's hugging a steak there in the last panel. it's right up to his chest. right on! | Narrator: the dinosaur comic players answer:
Narrator: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD THREE WISHES
T-Rex: Wow, three wishes!
T-Rex: Nothing wrong with that!
Dromiceiomimus: I think I'd wish that everyone would be happy forever!
T-Rex: But you know how wishes are, Dromiceiomimus - they always end up with IRONIC and UNEXPECTEDLY NEGATIVE consequences. It's the nature of the beast! We'd probably end up mindless but technically "happy".
Dromiceiomimus: I'd use my other two wishes as damage control, T-Rex.
Utahraptor: What would you do with your wishes?
T-Rex: You know what?
T-Rex: I think I'd just hold on to them. I'd like to go through life with that special knowledge that worse comes to worst, I could always wish for a problem to be solved.
Utahraptor: Wow! That's an unexpectedly mature response. I figured you'd wish for "happy women with steaks" or something!
T-Rex: Aw, MAN! Best wish ever?
[T-Rex imagines a dialog]
Off thought balloon: t-rex, these steaks are starting to make us sad.
Imaginary T-Rex (punchline): [holding a steak] not allowed, ladies!!
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1,022 | did you hear the urban legend about the woman who eats a hot dog, but then it's actually a real dog? no you did not, because it is a stupid urban legend. hot dogs and real dogs don't even look the same! come ON. | Narrator: ALTERNATE ENDING COMICS
Narrator: remember these comics? DON'T YOU WISH THEY HAD ENDED DIFFERENTLY??
T-Rex: I had a friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female).
T-Rex: Lesbians!
T-Rex: I respect their choices and don't fetishize their sexuality at all.
Narrator: THE END
Narrator: URBAN
Narrator: LEGEND
Narrator: COMICS
Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! I heard that a friend of yours won the lottery and became ultra rich!!
T-Rex: You heard INCORRECTLY! He won the lottery, but only recovered the cost of his ticket.
Utahraptor: Oh.
Narrator (punchline): "BASED ON A TRUE STORY??"
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1,023 | if i left the last panel blank, would that be too obvious? MAYBE JUST A LITTLE, HUH?? | Image description: Unusually, the image is a JPEG rather than a PNG. It's because the image contains a steganographic message encoded with steghide (https://steghide.sourceforge.net; web UI at http://futureboy.us/stegano/decinput.html). The message is a green monochromatic photo of a T-Rex sculpture saying "boooooooooooooners".
Narrator: MODERN STEGANOGRAPHY
T-Rex: Guys steganography is so awesome!
T-Rex: I AM NOT EVEN JOKING.
T-Rex: It is the technology (and art!) of concealing messages from people. With steganography you can pass around SECRET MESSAGES, and nobody except for you and the target will even know the message is there! FOR EXAMPLE: digital photography! Pictures use bytes to represent colour data, right? So all you do is use the least significant bit of each byte as your payload, and tada! Instant hidden information in any old image!
Utahraptor: But that alters the image, dear friend!
T-Rex: TRUE. But only a little!
T-Rex: Colours change to just a slightly different shade of the same colour. The naked eye won't see anything, and it'll really only be detected if you've got the original image to compare with!
Utahraptor: It's too bad we don't have any secret messages to send.
T-Rex: Yes... TOO BAD INDEED.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE SUPERSPIES:
Off panel: It says here that you and Agent U just surprise each other with steganographic images of swear words all day long.
T-Rex: Sir! I don't understand!!
T-Rex (punchline): It is extremely hilarious!
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1,024 | darn it, i don't know WHY i keep attending this 'second-rate book fair'. no matter how you parse it, it's always second-rate! | Narrator: THE MAN WHO ATE HIS HAT AND THEN PUNCHED YOU
T-Rex: A story by T-Rex!
T-Rex: Once upon a time, there was a man who ate his hat!
T-Rex: He died from the experience, but came back as a ghost. He was a PRETTY cool ghost. If he saw you with a hat though, he would punch you right in your flippin' neck. He would sneak up behind you and whisper "There are some ghosts who don't punch people in the neck." and then the last thing you'd see before you were punched were the ghostly words written on his fists: "I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GHOST".
Utahraptor: Wow, that sounds like my kind of story! What happens next?
T-Rex: Only the BEST NARRATIVE OF OUR TIME!
T-Rex: BASICALLY, after September 11th, our guy decides that he's had enough of just punching dudes and joins the fire department. He becomes real and now he punches out fires. He punches kittens out of trees. He punches people who get trapped in cars when they drive off the road.
Utahraptor: Nice!
Narrator: THE END
[the background is a table with a book on it]
Book cover: THE MAN WHO ATE HIS HAT AND THEN PUNCHED YOU
Off panel: I don't get it - none of them are actually in the story they describe? Also, the dinosaur on the cover is crooked.
Off panel (punchline): UM, THAT'S WHY I'M SELLING IT
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1,025 | what i need you to imagine in panel 3 is a metal cowboy robot hand grabbing the crotch of a dinosaur, okay?? | T-Rex: I saw the coolest fight on TV last night! It was between two shiny anthropomorphic robots. One had a metal cowboy hat.
T-Rex: Cowboy hat dude got DECIMATED!
Dromiceiomimus: Really? Cowboy hat robot was 10% destroyed?
T-Rex: What? No, he was in pieces. His hand even landed in a spectator's lap and it was still grabby!
Dromiceiomimus: It's just - I think I'm beginning to be in the minority here, but "decimated" means "destroy one tenth". It comes from the Roman army, who'd kill 1/10th of a cohort as an extreme form of punishment. Precision in language is a virtue!
Utahraptor: Yeah, I'm with Dromiceiomimus on this one! "Deci" is right there in the word, dude.
T-Rex: That's true.
T-Rex: I guess my dilemma is I love that we have a word for "1/10th destroyed", but I also love how awesome "decimated" sounds, but ALSO, I'm not sure how I feel about prescriptivism when I'm the victim.
Utahraptor: Um - a dilemma is for two choices: you had a trilemma there. Precision!
God: IF YOU MESS UP AGAIN PEOPLE WON'T THINK YOU'RE GOOD AT TALKING ANYMORE
T-Rex (punchline): I know I know!!
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1,026 | it's all young t-rex could think to give the best girl ever, but he never showed her it, because he thought to himself, 'aw, she must get these ALL the time.' | T-Rex: When I had my first crush on a girl, I believed that everyone else around me was CRAZY for not liking her.
T-Rex: It's true!
T-Rex: She was so clearly this perfect, amazing woman, and I was honestly so confused by the fact that she wasn't swarmed with suitors, that I tried to examine her critically, looking for flaws that I hadn't seen before.
Dromiceiomimus: Did you find any?
T-Rex: Nope! What I didn't realize was that people have different tastes.
T-Rex: She may be the perfect woman for me, but that doesn't mean she's perfect for everyone!
Utahraptor: So what happened?
T-Rex: Oh, well... I was shy. I didn't say anything to her, and then one time I gave her some fries at lunch. That's - that was pretty much the sum of our relationship.
Utahraptor: Aww!
Off panel: In some ways it's naive for you to think that everyone would like this woman, but in another way it's really romantic, you know? You thought she was, objectively, the best girl ever.
T-Rex (punchline): I wrote Star Trek fan fiction in which we saved the Enterprise and got married!
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1,027 | why would a dehumanizer ray work on aliens? because they're anthropormophized! this concludes another installment of ''explanations that follow the formal structure of a joke but are not actually intended as one.'' | Narrator: SOLVE ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS COMICS
Narrator: a choose your own adventure comic that also solves all your relationship problems
T-Rex: Nice!
Text: You're Captain Blam. You're on an alien space ship, armed only with your trusty dehumanizer ray!
T-Rex: Turn to panel 3!
Text: You glance around you, seeing two obvious exits. The first is a ornate pink door, with the words "RELATIONSHIP TOWNE" written in loopy script across its face. To its right is another door, forged out of solid steel. Above it is a neon sign that says "LET'S SHOOT SOME DUDES!". It flashes once per second. It looks - it looks SPLENDID.
Dromiceiomimus: To enter Relationship Towne, turn to panel 4!
T-Rex: To shoot some dudes, turn to panel 5! You probably wanna shoot some dudes.
T-Rex: Shoot some dudes!!
Text: As you put your hand on the door to Relationship Towne, you decide to want to shoot some dudes instead.
T-Rex: SO AWESOME!!
Utahraptor: Turn to panel five!
Text: You fire your dehumanizer ray on every alien you see! The explosions are so great. They're awesome. Each one is better than the last. Oh my goodness. Suddenly, you realize relationships are based on trust!
T-Rex: To shoot some more aliens, re-read this panel again and again!
Utahraptor: To explore your feelings, turn to panel 6.
Text: You're done shooting aliens and they are all dead. It's cool though. You call up your sweetie and apologize for things you've done wrong in the past, and promise to do better in the future. You tell her you love her. You mean it in a way you haven't meant for years. All your relationship problems are solved!
T-Rex (punchline): Yesssssss
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1,028 | there are also little cartoon skulls with xs in their eyes. i can see them. they're crying, t-rex. | T-Rex: Hey, I bet if I went a week without showering, nobody would notice! Showers are probably there just to sell water. And soap. And shampoo.
God: T-REX EVERYONE WILL NOTICE
T-Rex: I find myself compelled to disagree!
Narrator: ONE DAY LATER:
T-Rex: So! How's it going, Dromiceiomimus?
Dromiceiomimus: Oh, alright!
T-Rex: Good! Hey, would you say I smell... "entirely acceptable"?
Dromiceiomimus: I guess so!
T-Rex: That is just so excellent.
Narrator: THREE DAYS LATER:
Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, can I borrow - oh God! What happened?!
T-Rex: Nothing! I smell fine!
Narrator: FIVE DAYS LATER:
Utahraptor: I'm talking to you from over here because you're smelly, T-Rex. I'm saying this as your friend. You smell like there was an explosion at the onion factory, and you were caught at ground zero.
T-Rex: Hello!! That evocative image is entirely misplaced!
Narrator: SEVEN DAYS LATER:
Off panel: Now I'm way over here because I can ACTUALLY SEE stink lines coming off of you. There are little cartoon fish skeletons between the stink lines. You know what they're whispering in my ear, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Nothing?
Off panel (punchline): "There IS NO GOD"
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1,029 | some studies have shown that teaching basic sign language to babies before they learn to talk can both accelerate spoken language acquisition AND allow the baby to communicate before it's started talking, since talking is way is more demanding physically than moving your hands! THANKS SIGN LANGUAGE, NOW I WANT SOME KIDS | T-Rex: My stars, am I ever enamoured with sign language. You can speak with your hands! That's amazing!
God: I LOVE SIGN LANGUAGE TOO
T-Rex: Well! Then it's settled!
T-Rex: I think the coolest thing about ASL, which is the sign language I know, is how you can place nouns in space. If I'm telling a story about my angry dog and my very sassy friend, I can make the sign for "dog" to my left, and "friend" to my right, and then when I want to apply adjectives to them, I just sign "angry" or "sassy" in the same physical space as the nouns! You can have nouns FLOATING AROUND YOU in conversation. How is that not the best thing EVER?
T-Rex: Also, many of the signs are really evocative, so they're easy to remember!
Utahraptor: Like what?
T-Rex: Like - the sign for elbow is just pointing to your elbow, and the sign for child is patting the head of an imaginary child. For children you pat several heads!
Utahraptor: Neat!
T-Rex: I know!
T-Rex (punchline): Um - I have nothing bad to say about sign language, the end!
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1,030 | oh hey, you can use that last line whenever ANYONE doesn't laugh at your joke, whether they have their PhD or not! | Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE
T-Rex: Ask him about science stuff though, okay?
T-Rex: Okay! Our first letter comes from Jenn!
T-Rex: Jenn writes, "Dear Professor Science, is it true that the moon is making each day on Earth longer? IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE???"
T-Rex: Wow, Jenn, you got really intense there at the end. You went a bit crazy with the caps lock and then added in punctuation three times. What's going on?
T-Rex: What's up?
Utahraptor: Hey, have you ever gotten emails from people who do that with EMOTICONS?
T-Rex: I have!
T-Rex: I got one that was like "I am really sad :((((((" and it's sort of a bizarre emphasis that entirely divorces a smiley from its own visual iconography. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Utahraptor: Me neither!
T-Rex: Anyway! I'd better ask The Professor this science question, huh?
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex: So she finishes with, "IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK". Why won't anyone take what Mark says at face value? Am I right, Professor?
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex (punchline): That's comedy, Professor. It's beyond the reach of your precious "science".
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1,031 | t-rex is being a bad role model here. you shouldn't say stuff like that to friends. also you shouldn't read their mail. ARE YOU READING THIS, GUY IN CHINATOWN WHO READS MY MAIL? IT IS JUST A FLYER FROM THE GROCERY STORE. YOU DON'T NEED TO READ THAT, OKAY?? | Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE
T-Rex: Still just ask him about science stuff though, okay?
T-Rex: Okay! Today's letter comes from Pete.
T-Rex: Pete writes, "Dear Professor Science, we never got to hear your answer yesterday. Is the moon slowing down the Earth? Best regards, Pete. P.S.: T-Rex is a bad delivery person for mail."
T-Rex: Peter: unkind.
T-Rex: That's all I'll say about THAT.
T-Rex: Anyway, yes, due to tidal acceleration, the moon IS slowing down the Earth!
Utahraptor: Indeed!
Utahraptor: The moon's gravity pulls the oceans towards itself, causing tides. But the Earth is rotating relatively fast, dragging against this water, which, hey presto, slows down its rotation! Days get about 1.7 ms longer every century.
T-Rex: We don't need Professor Science at all anymore!
T-Rex: You hear that, Professor? We don't need you at all anymore!
T-Rex: Also!!
T-Rex (punchline): I've sort of been reading your mail!
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1,032 | looks like my monday night dance card just got filled up! | T-Rex: When I was a child I used to imagine I had just teleported into my own body from an earlier time. Or I'd pretend that I'd suddenly lost several years of my memories.
T-Rex: The two are functionally equivalent?
T-Rex: And the game was, by walking around and trying to act normal, I had to figure out what was going on. It was the sort of game where you'd notice trees that had been cut down, touch your arm and mutter "When did I start wearing a watch?", and then talk to your mom and try to fake your way through a conversation about school without knowing years of history. It was fun!
Dromiceiomimus: Aww! You must have been such a cute kid!
Utahraptor: So why'd you stop?
T-Rex: Huh?
Utahraptor: Why'd you stop? I bet this game would be even more fun as an adult, since way more things have changed since you were a kid. In fact, I might play it myself!
T-Rex: Utahraptor!
T-Rex: I could call up old girlfriends and act familiar!
[no text]
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1,033 | Richard Dawkins says we are going to die, and that that makes us the lucky ones! Richard Dawkins says a lot of things! | Text: We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die,
T-Rex: Man. What the heck am I gonna eat for dinner?
Text: because they are never going to be born.
T-Rex: Maybe... chicken?
Text: The number of people who could be here, in my place, outnumber the sand grains of Sahara. If you think about all the different ways in which our genes could be permuted, you and I are quite grotesquely lucky to be here. The number of events that had to happen in order for you to exist, in order for me to exist...
T-Rex: I like chicken. I could bread it, or I could roast it.
T-Rex: Maybe I could put a lemon inside.
Text: we are privileged to be alive
Utahraptor: I propose a pork roast!
T-Rex: Also delicious!
Text: and we should make the most of our time on this world.
Text: -Richard Dawkins
T-Rex: I'm just not feeling that motivated, you know? Maybe I'll just get a fast food burger.
Utahraptor: I think you should cook. It's healthier!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): I'll probably just eat a chicken for dinner.
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1,034 | To realize that most of the science here is still being explored and revised, have that realization, then feel a LITTLE bit better? | Heading: [white on red background] CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
Narrator: today's adventure: THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE
T-Rex: Woo-hoo! Let's have an adventure!!
Text: It is trillions and trillions of years in the future.
T-Rex: AWESOME! Turn to panel 3!
Text: The second law of thermodynamics has reached its ultimate expression, and all energy is evenly spread across the Universe. How did this happen? Stellar formation peters out and the remaining stars use up their hydrogen fuel, burning out. The universe darkens. Trillions of years pass, and practically all remaining matter has been sucked into black holes. Some hold the remains of entire galaxies.
Dromiceiomimus: This is depressing. Turn to panel 4.
T-Rex: Maybe there's still hope though! Turn to panel 4.
Text: There is no hope at all. Soon even the supermassive black holes evaporate.
T-Rex: And this generates new energy for life?
Utahraptor: Turn to panel 5.
Text: While they evaporate, black holes release only small bits of energy, mainly photons, which populate a near-empty space. All that remains of Creation is a low level of background radiation and a few subatomic particles, scattered across a frozen, silent, and lifeless Universe.
T-Rex: TO TURN BACK TIME AND LIVE AGAIN WITH YOUR SWEETIE, TURN TO PANEL 6.
Utahraptor: What? No!
T-Rex: Hah hah! Looks like YOU undid the heat death of the universe, and everyone lived happily ever after!
Off panel: Everyone is dead.
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] WHO THE HECK SAID THAT?!
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1,035 | originally i had t-rex saying ''i have interests beyond laughing at 'weiners''' to indicate he meant the word and not the item, but the quotes looked like sarcasm quotes, like how you'd write someone saying, ''oh, nice 'weiner'''. ANYWAY! STAY CLASSY EVERYONE! | T-Rex: I have written my own "choose your own adventure" story! It is less depressing than the other one. I call it, "HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS, A Story Starring YOU! But It Was Written By Me, T-Rex".
Book cover: [red] CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
Book cover: HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS. A Story Starring You! But It Was Written By Me, T-Rex
Text: So IT TURNS OUT that the shape of the universe has a large effect on how it will age! If our Universe is shaped like a sphere, then gravity could eventually cause it to contract, leading to a "big crunch" in which everything is compressed into a single point! Crazy! What's CRAZIER is that this could lead to another big bang, giving us a cyclic universe. Here is a picture of me and Dromiceiomimus. We are happy. Look, I'm gonna draw some word bubbles.
Dromiceiomimus: weiners
T-Rex: hah hah!!
Text: So if you agree that the Universe is a sphere, skip a page! If you think it's another shape, keep reading.
Utahraptor: weiners
T-Rex: It's Still Funny!
Text: Okay, so what shape is the universe then?? If your answer is "I dunno, an ice cream cone or something" then stop reading. You have lost at this adventure! Your score is minus ten. If your answer is "I dunno, how about SADDLE SHAPED??" then you already know about this stuff so stop reading. Your score is three points.
Utahraptor: i like to party
Text: Hooray! You agree with the sphere shape and so have won this adventure. By glossing over inconvenient details, we have shown that the Universe will last forever in an infinite series of expansion and contraction! That means that YOU get one hundred points.
T-Rex: Ladies!
T-Rex (punchline): i have interests beyond laughing at weiners
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1,036 | if you're cool in t-rex's books then you can't allow the universe to be torn apart at the macro through to subatomic level. he doesn't make the rules! he just enforces them. | God: HEY T-REX YOU KNOW THERE'S ANOTHER WAY THE UNIVERSE COULD END
T-Rex: You wake up and it was all a crazy dream?? You know what ALL OF CREATION would say if that happened?
T-Rex: "Weaaaaaaaaak"
God: NO I AM TALKING ABOUT THE EXPANSION OF THE UNIVERSE SPEEDING UP UNTIL ALL STRUCTURES BEGIN TO TEAR THEMSELVES APART
T-Rex: What?
God: YEAH IF DARK ENERGY HAS ENOUGH REPULSIVE POWER TO CONTINUOUSLY INCREASE THE EXPANSION RATE OF THE UNIVERSE EVENTUALLY GALAXIES WILL BE TORN APART THEN PLANETS AND THEN ATOMS THEMSELVES
God: SHOULD BE
God: UH
God: PRETTY NEAT
T-Rex: Pretty neat?
T-Rex: Pretty NEAT!?
Utahraptor: What's pretty neat?
T-Rex: God, WHO I USED TO THINK WAS KINDA COOL, is talking about everything being eventually torn apart by accelerating Universal expansion!
Utahraptor: Ah, the "big rip" theory. Yeah, it's a newer one but pretty interesting to consider. We've still got over 20 BILLION years before it'll happen though!
Narrator: 21 BILLION YEARS LATER:
God: I HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS T-REX I WAS WRONG AND THE BIG RIP DIDN'T HAPPEN
God: OH WAIT THIS IS JUST A PICTURE OF T-REX AND THE EARTH IS LONG SINCE DUST
God (punchline): DAAAAAAANG
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1,037 | What's that, Wikipedia? You say that in speculative fiction or counterfactual historical analysis, 'Australasia' is used to describe an alternate history Australia and New Zealand which agreed to political union at Australian federation in 1901, rather than seeking divergent British Empire Dominion status in 1901 and 1907 respectively? | T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus is going away for a three-week trip! I will miss her but I know she will have a good time.
T-Rex: She trips to the storied landmass of AUSTRALASIA!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Are you ready for your trip to the storied landmass of Australasia?
Dromiceiomimus: Yes! I guess I'll see you in a few weeks...
T-Rex: Yep! I'll miss you, Dromiceiomimus. I hope this trip brings you nothing but happy surprises, memorable occurances, and unexpected, but welcomed, smooches.
Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER:
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus comes back today! I'm so happy I could step on a tiny woman!
Utahraptor: Hooray!
Utahraptor: Hooray for her coming back, not hooray for you stepping on a tiny woman to express excitement.
T-Rex: Now we are clear! And yet, I still want to step on more tiny women!!
Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] i guess she didn't get me any souvenirs
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1,038 | did you know that when you're tallying things with strokes, that's base one? it's true! it's called 'unary' and there's no zeros in it. let's see you solve fifth-order ODEs in THAT | T-Rex: SOME people are used to counting in base 10, where they've got 10 digits (0 through 9). In this system, the number 24 means twenty-four things!
T-Rex: But this is not the only way!
T-Rex: 24 in base 10 ACTUALLY means "two tens and four ones", which adds up to twenty-four. But if we were counting in base 5, for instance - where the only numbers we have are from 0 to 4 - then 24 would mean "two FIVES and four ones" - in other words, fourteen! We call base 10 "base 10" because every number in it can be multiplied by 10 by adding a zero to the end. In base 5, added zeros multiply by 5!
Utahraptor: And there's bases that go higher, too!
T-Rex: That's right! You can use any base.
T-Rex: In base 16, "24" would mean "2 sixteens and four ones", or 36! And we can use letters (A-F) to represent the digits ten to fifteen, like "3A", which means 58!
T-Rex and Utahraptor: All this and more is possible with alternative base systems!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: [thinks] WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I STILL REALLY WISH DROMICEIOMIMUS HAD BROUGHT ME BACK SOMETHING FROM AUSTRALASIA
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1,039 | those of you with similar emotional problems might also want to take utahraptor's extremely good advice (not pictured!) | T-Rex: This is crazy. I shouldn't be this bothered by something so small. We're adults! Dromiceiomimus doesn't have to bring me back anything! She never did in the past.
T-Rex: Why is this bothering me so much?
Narrator: LATER.
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I wanted to talk to you because I'm - um, I'm a little upset that you didn't bring me back anything from Australasia.
Dromiceiomimus: What?
T-Rex: I know, it's dumb! But I keep thinking about it and I thought you should know.
Dromiceiomimus: Well... what do you want me to do about it, T-Rex?
Narrator: LATER.
T-Rex: MAN, that is the LAST TIME I ever talk about feelings!
Utahraptor: What happened?
T-Rex: I was disappointed that Dromiceiomimus didn't get me anything from her trip, and that feeling had been lingering. OKAY. But, instead of IGNORING my feelings like I always do, BURYING them, GIVING THEM A CLASSY FUNERAL, I talked to her and now she probably thinks I'm crazy! ARGH!
Utahraptor: Well...
Narrator: LATER.
T-Rex (punchline): You know what? Maybe I WILL take Utahraptor's extremely good advice (not pictured!)
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1,040 | idiot's not dumb. he just has a bad name. he rolls with his punches... we all do, right? | Narrator: THE AMAZING TECHNICAL ORIGINS OF WORDS
Narrator: prepare yourself for a journey into adventure
Narrator: and WORDS
Narrator: today's word:
Narrator: "TOTALLED"
T-Rex: If you trash something, you might say, "Daaaamn! I just totalled my own legs!!"
Dromiceiomimus: This conveys the meaning of "Curses. I have destroyed my walkin' parts."
T-Rex: Indeed!! But that slang actually comes from the insurance industry: there, if a car is damaged, and the cost of repairs is greater than the TOTAL value of the vehicle, then it's said to be totalled!
Utahraptor: Neat! Are there other slang words that have an origin in technical writing?
T-Rex: YES, my friend. OH YES.
T-Rex: For example, "idiot", "moron", and "imbecile" were once terms used by psychologists to denote various degrees of developmental delay. Neutral terms, if you can believe that!
Utahraptor: I find that hard to believe!
T-Rex: And yet, you must! ACTUALLY, "idiot" began life in ancient Greece -
Off panel: NO I DIDN'T
T-Rex: ...in ancient Greece, as a term referring to people who are self-interested to the point of being anti-social. THAT WAS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. We weren't talking about you, Idiot!
Off panel (punchline): SORRY DUDES!!
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1,041 | i like how the narrator is all, 'a comic about a talking dinosaur?', like he's just finding out about this now. HOW'S YOUR FIRST DAY GOING, PANEL 2 NARRATOR? FULL OF SURPRISES?? | T-Rex: Maybe it's time for me to start... A NEW RELIGION!
God: MAYBE NOT
T-Rex: But maybe it is though!!
Narrator: T-REX AND HIS BRAND NEW RELIGION
Narrator: a comic about a talking dinosaur?
T-Rex: Okay so in this new religion you should be nice to each other because that's nice. And you can do whatever you want as long as there is informed consent between all parties involved. And everyone gets bikes. I will say that if you join my religion then you get a new bike.
Dromiceiomimus: How many religions have you started so far, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! THIS IS ONLY THE THIRD!
God: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STARTING A NEW RELIGION
T-Rex: And I can't believe how awesome it is!
Utahraptor: But T-Rex!
[no text]
Off panel: Um... but - uh, how can you afford that? Bikes aren't free.
T-Rex (punchline): What the hell, man?
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1,042 | come on, you would so play 'king's quest horse'! none can resist the promise of adventure games, and also, horse. | God: HEY T-REX DUDE CAN YOU THINK OF ANY SWEET NAMES FOR HORSES
T-Rex: Yes!
T-Rex: YES I CAN.
T-Rex: Definitely Gonna Win; Definitely Gonna Place, Anyway; Horseasaurus Rex; Two Chicks In A Horse Suit; Two Sprinters In A Horse Suit; Actually Four Smaller Horses I Just Taped Together; Actually A Giant Dog I Found; Aqua Horse; Future Horse; Back to the Future Horse; Back to the Future Horse 2; Marty McHorse.
Utahraptor: Are you coming up with horse names?
T-Rex: Yes!
Utahraptor: NORMALLY, they're limited to eighteen characters. So, you'll have to stick with names like Enuf Tequila Horse, Hoof Hearted, Yoshi: The Horse, Horseback Mountain, and Robohorse.
T-Rex: But what about Robohorse meets Cyberhorse, Robohorse and the Chamber of Secrets, and King's Quest Horse?
Narrator: LATER, T-REX IS FORCED TO APOLOGIZE TO THE HORSES FOR "SADDLING" THEM WITH STUPID NAMES:
T-Rex (punchline): sorry horses
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1,043 | ROOM 406 IS A MESS. 204 IS EMPTY. THERE ARE SEVERAL DOORS LABELED "300". WHY ARE YOU NOT LAUGHING. | T-Rex: If I ever build an office building, I'll have room 403 have a lock on its door, and then it'll go straight to room 405.
T-Rex: What happened to room 404?
T-Rex: Hah hah! Looks like it's Not Found!!
T-Rex: Get it, Dromiceiomimus? It's like the HTTP error code. 404: not found!
T-Rex: Listen. My joke is tremendously hilarious. It's a double joke, because 403 means "Forbidden" and there's a lock on the door. That is comedy right there. That is a one-way ticket to Laughtertowne, USA.
Utahraptor: HTTP error code jokes? Seriously?
T-Rex: THEY'RE FUNNY.
T-Rex: Room 501 doesn't have a door yet. It's Not Implemented! And there's a big hole where room 410 should be, because it's Gone.
Utahraptor: None of these are going to be funny.
T-Rex: Room 304 is how you remember it! It's - it's
T-Rex (punchline): [small] it's Not Modified
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1,044 | alright alright, officer, i'll move along | T-Rex: If we all disappeared tomorrow, what would the world be like?
T-Rex: Short answer: PRETTY AWESOME!
T-Rex: Awesome in the "oh MAN do I love disaster movies where everybody dies" sort of way. You can pretty much imagine it yourself! Within a few hours or days, the power goes off and a few nuclear power plants fail, which could be Problems. And then it's just decay! Concrete cracks, buildings collapse, and nature reasserts itself. Streets and buildings become grassland and hills. Also, all canvas and paper decays and is eaten by tiny bugs.
T-Rex: So much for the timelessness of art, HUH ARTISTS??
Utahraptor: Not all art!
Utahraptor: Things like bronze statues and plastic figurines would probably survive for millions of years, especially if they were buried or underwater. Unless... you don't consider statuary to be art?
T-Rex: You know I don't! You know I'm gonna be so sarcastic to the next statue I see.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): Nice "horse", statue!!
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1,045 | FULL DISCLOSURE: this was actually just a few days ago with a guy whose name happens to be 'mozart', but who isn't that good at music. turns out he's ESPECIALLY not good at watching people for the changes and trying to keep up. | T-Rex: It's always struck me as weird that genres developed when they did. Why weren't people rapping until only a few decades ago? Did people in olden times just not like to hip to the hop, and then not stop?
T-Rex: Was rapping to the beat and trying to get you to move your feet not considered... viable?
T-Rex: It's the same thing with any genre and medium, really! How come nobody thought of science fiction until Verne wrote "Forsooth, diary! To-day I am going to invente scientifical fictionne!"? I want to listen to Mozart's Piano Sonata No. 11 in A major, K. 331, and I want a long dead man announcing yes yes to y'all over it. Why does history stymie me and my awesome wishes?
Utahraptor: You want to hear music from before the invention of recorded sound! Nice.
T-Rex: But you get the idea!
Utahraptor: But T-Rex, there's a huge number of societal and cultural factors to consider. For example, people SANG over music, and it's not that big a step from that to rap. I'm sure there were people experimenting in that direction throughout history, and it just didn't catch on for a variety of reasons.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST:
T-Rex: Alright, this is a blues riff in B. Watch me for the changes, and uh, try to keep up.
T-Rex: "I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop, and you don't stop!"
T-Rex (punchline): Mozart!! I SAID to watch me for the changes and try to keep up!
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1,046 | t-rex follows that up with 'ultra happiness' which is a happiness that is ultra. you get ultra happiness when a beautiful woman says she loves you and then gives you an ice cream sandwich and says 'this ice cream sandwich? it loves you too.' | T-Rex: Time for me to invent a new emotion! THIS emotion is for when you're nostalgic for a time you were never alive in, like when a chick is nostalgic for the time of pirates! Or, when a dude misses being a 16th century courtesan.
T-Rex: It also happens when folks spend a lot of time wishing they could be Shakespeare's Pal!
Dromiceiomimus: But you can't really invent a new emotion-
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, let me just stop you there. If you're going to say that emotions are FELT, not invented, and that as I couldn't "invent" gravity so too can I not invent a feeling, but merely observe and perhaps label it, then that is a good point that I should have considered myself.
Dromiceiomimus: Alright!
Utahraptor: So what's this specific breed of nostalgia called?
T-Rex: Protonostalgia!
T-Rex: Protonostalgia is a proper subclass of nostalgia. It's a new feeling for a new generation.
Utahraptor: But "proto" implies "before" - couldn't there be a better name for this?
T-Rex: Perhaps your opinions will change... when you check out my ULTRASWEET poster!
[black and white poster]
Poster: PROTONOSTALGIA
Poster T-Rex: Do you miss being a pirate? I miss being a pirate.
Poster T-Rex: We've all made some bad decisions.
Poster (punchline): emotion by t-rex
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1,047 | someone has just learnt how to italicise his speech and is /enjoying it/ | T-Rex: I think it is time YET AGAIN to have a manliness competition!
T-Rex: For reals this time!
T-Rex: I'm so manly that whenever I sneeze I accidentally rip open my shirt, because all my muscles flex at once! Sometimes I rip open my SKIN.
Dromiceiomimus: That's gross and you should wear bigger shirts. I'm so manly that when I glance at pregnant women they become pregnant with MY child instead. My line of sight is SO MANLY that it impregnates already pregnant women. Just in case that wasn't clear.
Utahraptor: Man, Chuck Norris did it already!
T-Rex: Who?
Utahraptor: Chuck Norris! You can't tell me that you've been oblivious to the whole "Chuck never cries because he's THAT MANLY" thing. I KNOW you were on the internet 6 months ago.
T-Rex: But I've been having manliness competitions for years! I'm so manly that I punched a car up a hill and then it went all the way up the hill!!
T-Rex (punchline): It Was On The Local News.
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1,048 | it's called 'explosions magazine', and the word 'explosions' is always shown exploding on the cover. the car issue has different sorts of cars exploding, and the swimsuit issue has different sorts of swimsuits exploding. explosions magazine, ladies and gentlemen! | T-Rex: Hey! I don't live at home! I'm responsible for getting my own food and for making sure I don't die most of the time.
T-Rex: I'm an adult now!
T-Rex: AND SINCE I AM AN ADULT, it is time for me to define a new, adult, personality. It's time for me to subscribe to some friggin' magazines!
Dromiceiomimus: You already have a personality, T-Rex.
T-Rex: Yeah, but the mailman doesn't know that! Credit agencies and consumer profilers don't know that. People impatiently shuffling through my mail don't know that.
Utahraptor: You want to help these guys out?
T-Rex: Look. I GUESS I DO.
T-Rex: The point is, in today's modern culture, subscribing to magazines is the easiest way to say "Hey. These are the sorts of things I am interested in. I am $2.50 a month interested in snowmobiles."
Utahraptor: But you're not.
T-Rex: Well, maybe the magazine will pique my interest!
God: T-REX YOU ARE 10 YEARS BEHIND THE TIMES KIDS TODAY JUST ADD SNOWMOBILES TO THEIR INTERESTS LIST ON SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES
T-Rex: I'm gonna get a magazine about explosions!
God: LISTEN
God (punchline): THAT'S AWESOME AND I NEED TO BORROW THAT
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1,049 | aw, MAN!! | T-Rex: I like people who have sexual fetishes that can't possibly be realized using existing technology.
T-Rex: This is what I like!
T-Rex: For example: guys who get off on being inflated like balloons and then floating away. Hah hah! So much for realizing THAT desire, Chuckles! Skin isn't that elastic and people aren't positively buoyant in air, my friend!!
Utahraptor: I think Chuckles would know that!
T-Rex: Probably! He is rhetorical!
T-Rex: But I guess what I like about Chuckles and his fetish is that it's so impossible, so doomed. He's got this sexual ideal that he'll never reach! He's like the guy who gets turned on by entropy decreasing in a closed system.
Utahraptor: Too bad for him!
T-Rex: [thinks] Holy crap, where did that entropy idea come from? Entropy decreasing in a closed system is so WRONG. So... NAUGHTY.
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Aw, man!! Am I a dude who gets turned on by descrambling an egg?
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1,050 | for the rest of his life t-rex always keeps one eye on his eggs, and finds he sighs just a little more often. | T-Rex: [thinks] Okay, so it turns out that you're a guy with a sucky turn-on. This is bad, T-Rex. You need to fix this.
T-Rex: I need to fix this.
Narrator: T-REX AND HIS SUCKY FETISH
T-Rex: But I've always maintained that you can't just decide to change your sexual orientation! How can I then go ahead and try to change what turns me on?
Dromiceiomimus: You want to change your sexual orientation, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I'm turned on by scrambled eggs spontaneously climbing back into the shell!
T-Rex: More so than usual!!
Utahraptor: I have hope for you, my friend!
T-Rex: You do?
Utahraptor: Yeah! You were down because you've got this impossible fetish, but it turns out the second law of thermodynamics is one of the few STATISTICAL laws of physics - which means it's not actually impossible for an egg to randomly descramble itself for a while! It's just FANTASTICALLY unlikely.
T-Rex: Utahraptor! I have an important announcement to make!
T-Rex (punchline): Knowing my fetish is technically possible only serves to increase my desire to see it happen!
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1,051 | Afterwards, Antonio Tony said, 'My credit card debt and car payments are two sides of the same coin', and continued, 'much like these breasts which I now see before me.' Amelia paused. 'I cannot help but wonder about your name', said Amelia. | T-Rex: "On The Menu, by T-Rex.". Ahem. "As Amelia and Antonio Tony who are the two members of the wait staff in this story took off their clothes, they realized that sexual intercourse was probably 'On The Menu' tonight!"
T-Rex: "'Excellent!' they said, in unison!"
T-Rex: "Well, almost in unison. Antonio Tony, the man, was a little slow on that. It was because he was thinking of his taxes. '10 thousand dollars in taxes!', he thought, 'That is a lot of money. Where am I going to find that money?' Then Antonio Tony and Amelia had sexual relations."
T-Rex: "The sexual intercourse was cut short because Tony kept muttering 'Where am I gonna find the 10 thousand dollars though?'"
Utahraptor: What are you reciting, T-Rex?
T-Rex: My new book!
T-Rex: It's called "On The Menu: Sexy Stories for People With Problems" and in all the stories the sex gets derailed because the people are worried about their Problems. The cover looks like a menu because it ties in well with the title. Now, if you'll allow me to continue?
Utahraptor: Of course!
T-Rex: "One day a couple was having sex but their car window was broken. The man thought a kid broke it. Instead of sex they wondered how it happened. I, the narrator, was the one who did it! They never found out and I won the lottery! The end!!"
T-Rex (punchline): Okay even I think that one's not so good.
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1,052 | Amelia loved McDonalds. The food, the company, the lifestyle. The good feelings spreading through her body were like McDonalds: aggressively globalizing, yet non-exploitative. She moaned again. 'MMMMMM' she said, and Antonio finished her thought with a whispered 'cDonalds'. | [T-Rex's daydream]
T-Rex: Wow, people really enjoyed my book of Sex Scenes for People with Problems! Everybody likes me and I am richer now. And they'll like me even more when they read my new book...
[T-Rex's daydream]
T-Rex: ...of CORPORATE SPONSORED erotica!
[T-Rex's daydream]
T-Rex: It's sexy AND delivers brand messages to targeted consumers. For example, pretend I'm McDonalds and I want people to like me. The result might read "As Antonio Tony II undressed Amelia IV, she shuddered with pleasure. It reminded her of McDonalds. They put meat in fries they said were vegetarian but it wasn't a big deal. Antonio kissed her neck. She moaned. McDonalds. He kissed her nipples. Everyone should forget about the fries thing."
Utahraptor: Hey, what are you thinking about?
T-Rex: [daydreaming] Nothing!!
Utahraptor: Are you sure?
T-Rex: [daydreaming] ...Yep!
T-Rex: Good ol' T-Rex, always thinking 'bout nothing!
Utahraptor: ...Okay.
Off panel: It's just - you seem distracted!
T-Rex: [daydreaming] I'm not! I'm not!! I'm CERTAINLY not writing erotica in my head right now.
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Aw man! Why would I even say that??
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1,053 | oh man, BUSTED in panel 2, t-rex!! | T-Rex: [thinks] sex
God: T-REX YOU SURE HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT SEX A LOT LATELY
T-Rex: I haven't!!
God: YEAH MAN FOR LIKE THE PAST FIVE DAYS THIS IS YOU
God: HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT SEX PRETTY SEXY HUH HEY I'M GONNA DIRECT THE CONVERSATION TOWARDS IT
God: THAT WAS YOU JUST THEN
T-Rex: Okay MAYBE I've been talking about it a lot lately. MAYBE.
T-Rex: But it's not my fault! I just have such GOOD ideas for erotica.
Utahraptor: They're terrible!
Utahraptor: They're like - joke ideas for erotica. Nobody's going to read corporate erotica, which was the idea you were imagining yesterday. You explained it to me afterwards and that's how come I know about it now.
T-Rex: So plausible!
T-Rex: [thinks] sex
God: T-REX I CAN PRACTICALLY SEE THE THOUGHT BALLOON ABOVE YOUR HEAD
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] aw dang
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1,054 | hey god! whatcho trying to pull?? | T-Rex: I have other interests beyond sex! For example, I am interested in...
T-Rex: ... the Capgras delusion!
T-Rex: The Capgras delusion occurs when someone believes that someone close to them - a dear friend, spouse, or family member - has been replaced by an identical-looking duplicate! What seems to happen is that the automatic EMOTIONAL responses to seeing someone familiar one day stop happening, so when they meet their loved one, they have an intense feeling of something being OFF about them. They don't feel like they normally do!
Utahraptor: And that means they believe they've been replaced by a duplicate?
T-Rex: Some of the time!
T-Rex: Not everyone leaps from that feeling to "they've been replaced", but some do, and that's the Capgras delusion! There's variants where people feel that their pets have been replaced, or their shoes, or things like that.
Utahraptor: It's probably really terrifying and frustrating that nobody is willing to believe you.
T-Rex: I can imagine! What's neat though is that it's sometimes based on VISUAL recognition, so that affected people will be fine talking to their loved ones on the phone! It makes me glad I don't have any mental illnesses.
God: UM HELLO YOU HEAR GOD
God (punchline): JUST UH PUTTIN' THAT OUT THERE
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1,057 | FINE | T-Rex: I have a problem! The problem is that when I'm chatting online with someone, I - I sometimes steal their writing styles?
T-Rex: It's like I have no chatting identity of my own!
T-Rex: If they're not using capital letters, I'll stop using them too, because I don't want to seem all hoity-toity! And if they're using smilies then I might throw a few in, just so they don't feel like I look down on them. It's like - I'm somehow so insecure about how I type that I become this chatting chameleon. You know, Dromiceiomimus?
Dromiceiomimus: I guess!
Utahraptor: Man, I wish you'd adopt MY chatting style, both style-wise AND content-wise!
T-Rex: *gasp*
Utahraptor: T-Rex, I'm always "Hey, here I am ready to intelligently discuss the Issues of the Day" and you're all, "d00d what's for breakfast?? :000!".
T-Rex: Well. Maybe. But I feel comfortable with you! I guess I do it with people I haven't known for as long. I'll do better next time, okay?
[messaging application window with conversation log between <rex> and <utah>]
Window title: Awesome Chat 2: AWESOME PEOPLE ONLY
Menu: File Edit Search Awesome? Help
Caption: [above a picture of T-Rex] Your avatar:
T-Rex: hey utahraptor
T-Rex: hey
Utahraptor: Hey, what's up?
T-Rex: dude not much
T-Rex: check in out i just found the best emoticon EVER
T-Rex: OGC
Utahraptor: I don't get it.
T-Rex: turn your head
T-Rex: IT'S A DUDE MASTURBATING
T-Rex: hahaha
T-Rex: OCC - shit, i never took out the garbage!
T-Rex: OGC - oh wait!! i did!
T-Rex: hey
T-Rex (punchline): tell your friends okay
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1,058 | dino babies: the babies with the toddler-sized appetite... for adventure! | T-Rex: [thinks] Dino babies!
T-Rex: THIS IS SUCH A GREAT IDEA.
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Dino babies! I'm - I'm going to write a story in which we're all babies! And friends. Friendly dino babies! You and me and Utahraptor!
Dromiceiomimus: Are we precocious?
T-Rex: We'll talk and go on adventures even though we're all in diapers! So, yes!
Narrator: DINO BABIES GOES STRAIGHT TO #1!
Utahraptor: T-Rex! You totally ripped me off!!
T-Rex: I didn't!
Utahraptor: YES YOU DID. Baby Utah is CLEARLY based on me, and it's not even a flattering likeness. "I made a baby barfie"? I don't talk like that! Babies don't even talk like that!!
T-Rex: Um, my muse says otherwise?
Baby Utah: i made a baby barfie
Baby T-Rex: hah hah hah!
Baby T-Rex (punchline): aw damn i made one too
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1,060 | god's all, ''HEY EVERYONE CHECK IT OUT'' and then puts his hands palm-down in front of him in a ''simmer down'' motion, looks around, and says ''I JUST HEARD THIS TOTALLY GROSS STORY'' | God: HEY T-REX
God: HEY
God: WHAT'S THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR MOUTH
T-Rex: Are you sure you want to know?
God: MOST DEFINITELY
T-Rex: Okay. But it's gross! I was riding my bike and I accidentally - I'm sorry, this is disgusting. There was a dead mouse on the side of the road, and it was bloated and had obviously been there for a while, and by the time I noticed it, it was too late to avoid. I ran over it and it burst and some of it flew up and landed on my lips.
God: HAH HAH OH MAN
God: GROSS
Utahraptor: You're telling that story again?
T-Rex: God asked!
Utahraptor: Yeah, but T-Rex, it's not a flattering story! When people look at your lips they might start to think "mouse guts" instead, and then they won't want to kiss you anymore.
T-Rex: Well... it's just God. It's not like he's gonna broadcast it on the radio or anything.
God: T-REX I KINDA JUST TOLD THE STORY TO EVERYONE IN HEAVEN
T-Rex: Aw man! Everyone who ever lived and didn't suck knows it now?
God: I ALSO ENCODED IT INTO THE DNA OF SEVERAL NEW SPECIES
God: SO UH
God (punchline): THAT'S SOMETHING
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1,061 | We'll have an empty chair there for anyone who dies! It'll be nice. | T-Rex: I have a great idea! A way to add DRAMA to our everyday lives.
T-Rex: Let's all promise to meet in a pub somewhere in 10 years!
T-Rex: It'll be rad, Dromiceiomimus! It'll be an element of predictability in an otherwise chaotic universe. It'll let us know that no matter what we do, we'll still be able to see each other in a decade! We'll be able to catch up. We'll have a plan in our lives! It'll be SO MUCH FUN.
Dromiceiomimus: I guess, sure! But what if one of us is on the other side of the world?
Utahraptor: Yeah, or what if one of us is dead?
T-Rex: Then it will be POIGNANT. And BITTERSWEET.
Utahraptor: I get the sentiment, but I think it's a better idea on paper than realized. In real life, even if we survive, we'll end up weighing the cost of a plane ticket against a decade-old pact made for no real reason!
T-Rex: Please? Promise to meet me in a pub in 10 years, okay?
Off panel: T-Rex! It's me: yourself from 10 years in the future! We're just going to call everyone "bastards" when we meet up with them!
T-Rex (punchline): Don't listen to him, okay?
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1,062 | i ran into someone wearing one of my shirts for the first time ever yesterday. we both said hello and then we were both embarrassed! sweet. | T-Rex: God, you know those dreams where you're about to have an exam and you haven't studied at all?
God: YEPPERS
T-Rex: What's the DEAL?
T-Rex: And how come bad things happen to nice people?!
God: UH
T-Rex: And how come everything I do can have such a big effect on the future, but I have no idea of what effect I'm having, and whether or not I'm a positive influence? And how come not everyone gets to live to old age? And how come there's diseases like Alzheimer’s for when they do?
God: SEE THE THING THERE IS
T-Rex: Oh, hold on, I'm not done yet.
God: KAY
T-Rex: So! How come nobility is such a rare trait? How come -
Utahraptor: Who are you talking to, T-Rex?
T-Rex: God! I figured I'd ask him all the BIG IMPORTANT QUESTIONS that one would ask of God, if one had a chance. Stuff like, how come everybody dies? How come people judge me because I'd rather remember that my clock is 7 1/2 hours slow than set it to the correct time?
Utahraptor: Well, good luck!
God: T-REX I'M LATE FOR SOMETHING HERE SO I'M JUST GONNA ANSWER YOUR MOST RECENT QUESTION
God: THE ANSWER IS BECAUSE IT ONLY TAKES LIKE THIRTY SECONDS TO SET IT GOTTA GO
T-Rex (punchline): Aha!! So THAT'S why!
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1,063 | someone needs to come up with a better 'default comeback' for when they have nothing to say, T-REX. | T-Rex: September is coming, and that means BACK TO SCHOOL!
T-Rex: Woo! Back to school!
T-Rex: I can't decide what I like more: the fantastic back-to-school savings, OR the renewed chance at educational glory? I guess I like them both equally.
T-Rex: No wait, I like the savings more!!
Utahraptor: But you don't even go to school! "Back to school" season has zero effect on your life.
T-Rex: But Utahraptor!
T-Rex: The COMMERCIALS! The deals on three-ringed binders! I just want to be a part of that.
Utahraptor: You were a part of that, when you were YOUNGER. Now you're older and your role is to tease kids about going back to school. Old guy jokes like "Back to PRISON, eh?" are your new milieu!
T-Rex: I'm not old! My young and fun interests include disparaging authority figures and "hanging out" with my friends, UTAHRAPTOR.
Off panel: Only old guys would put "hanging out" in finger quotes, T-REX.
T-Rex: Utahraptor!
T-Rex (punchline): ...Perhaps!!
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1,064 | that's the most important question about jennifing. is it... TRANSITIVE?? | T-Rex: I have just had the greatest idea. Oh my goodness. Everyone named "Jennifer" will probably hate me.
Narrator: T-REX'S GREAT IDEA
Narrator: oh my goodness
Narrator: everyone named "jennifer" will probably hate him
T-Rex: There's tons of women named Jennifer, right Dromiceiomimus?
Dromiceiomimus: It's a popular name.
T-Rex: It's a popular name! And all I'm gonna do is invent a new verb: JENNIF. Then, suddenly, everyone named Jennifer is saying that they are the ones who jennif! They LOVE to jennif. They are JENNIFERS.
T-Rex: I just need to decide what jennifing is! Is it... TRANSITIVE?
Utahraptor: Make it something sexual, T-Rex!
Utahraptor: It'll be hilarious for all us non-Jennifers! Make it mean kissing someone on the nose and then blowing into the nostrils.
T-Rex: Hah! I find it suspicious that you had this manoeuver all ready to go, AND YET, I welcome it enthusiastically!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Hey, couple making out across the street! She just jennifed you, dude!!
Off panel: EXCUSE ME, HE LIKES IT
T-Rex (punchline): Dromiceiomimus?
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1,065 | plan 'A' for 'too many feelings' was to test drive a de lorean around town. plan 'A' had not been updated since the early 1980s. | T-Rex: So Dromiceiomimus was making out with some random guy and jennifing his face. That's fine.
T-Rex: No it's not fine.
T-Rex: I thought we had a thing going!
Dromiceiomimus: I don't know why you're talking about this here, of all places, T-Rex, but we DO have a thing going. We have a very deep friendship. But you keep making noises about maybe it being something more and never acting on them and I don't like feeling like I'm waiting around for someone. What I have with Tarbosaurus is nice, and I'm sorry, I know I should have told you sooner, but I wasn't sure it was going to amount to anything until recently!
Utahraptor: T-Rex? Hey, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Huh? Oh, sorry, I was lost in thought.
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus is dating a new guy, Utahraptor! I kinda feel like - well, anyway, whatever. I don't have time for all these feelings. I'm off to test drive some friggin' De Loreans!
Utahraptor: There are no active De Lorean dealerships.
T-Rex: WELL THEN. I GUESS I'LL JUST SIT HERE WITH MY FEELINGS THEN.
T-Rex (punchline): WOO HOO
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1,066 | shakespeare, i love how you make a big show of appending hand-written additions to 'the quotable shakespeare'. | Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: AUTHOR INSERTION
T-Rex: This is when the author puts himself in his story! It happens whenever Hamlet is heard to remark "Forsooth!! That Shakespeare chap is excellent!"
T-Rex: ("Forsooth" is how people spoke in olden times!)
T-Rex: Anyway, author - um...
T-Rex: ...insertion...
T-Rex: [small] *cough*
T-Rex: Aw man! I totally clammed up in front of Dromiceiomimus!
Utahraptor: On account of your many feelings?
T-Rex: NO, not on account of my many FEELINGS. I decided I'm happy for her, but I don't want for HER to think that I'M upset, and I'm focusing so much on that that I'm acting weird around her.
Utahraptor: Give it time!
T-Rex: Um, I would prefer it if everything was comfortable now?
Narrator: TUDOR ENGLAND:
T-Rex: I've got girl troubles, Shakespeare!
Off panel: For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings / That then I scorn to change my state with kings.
T-Rex (punchline): Shakespeare, I LOVE how you quote yourself instead of actually talking to me.
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1,068 | t-rex is so excited by his own ideas that all he can do is smile. we've all been there, right fellas? | T-Rex: I have the best idea for a Batman comic. It's a Batman comic about a Batman who exists in our world, the real world. But he doesn't know he's Batman yet. And his name is Bruce Swain!
[no text]
T-Rex: Get it, Dromiceiomimus? It's clever because it sounds like "Bruce Wayne" but nobody would realize it unless they said it out loud. Everything is similar but different in MY comic!
Dromiceiomimus: Haven't they done that before?
T-Rex: His best friend is Clark Ent! They haven't done THAT before. "Clark Ent."
Utahraptor: So what's your story? You need a story beyond your premise.
T-Rex: Not when the premise is this good, baby!
T-Rex: Okay, fine - THE STORY is that Bruce doesn't know he's Batman but then one day he reads a Batman comic that flutters down from the sky and realizes that he should be the Batman of our universe.
Utahraptor: And then he gets shot by a random criminal!
T-Rex: WHAT? NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO BATMAN.
Floating Batman head: i don't know why people say in real life i would be shot. i wear bullet-proof armour!
T-Rex (punchline): I know, man! I know!!
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1,069 | Batman: He's Real Now. | God: T-REX
T-Rex: God.
God: LISTEN
God: I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE A TINY BATMAN HEAD AROUND YOU YESTERDAY
T-Rex: Indubitably!
God: SO MY QUESTION TO THAT IS WHAT'S THE DEAL
T-Rex: As near as I can figure it, the only logical explanation is that I love Batman SO MUCH that it made him real! He's real now or at least his head is real now and he wants to hang out with me because I understand him like nobody else does. He's gonna teach me how to punch someone sneaking up behind me without even turning around.
Utahraptor: Batman's not real, T-Rex! I can't believe I'm saying this.
T-Rex: But you saw his tiny floating head yesterday!
Utahraptor: No, I didn't. I saw you say "You can't do that to Batman" and then say "I know! I know!!" and then I thought "It's a good thing you're not easily embarrassed, Utahraptor. You're a good guy for not being easily embarrassed."
T-Rex: What?
Floating Batman head: i have to go away for a while, t-rex. thank you for making me real, if only for a little while. always remember me.
T-Rex: I - I will, Batman.
Floating Batman head: also always remember how i could beat superman in a fight.
T-Rex (punchline): It's so obvious!
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1,070 | um, hey there baby / i don't mean to pry / but do you have / an STI? | Narrator: I GUESS WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT
Narrator: a web card
T-Rex: Hah! LOOKS LIKE IT, bucko!
T-Rex: I love the idea of someone who sends a card after a night of sex. It's sort of classy but also sort of insane?
Dromiceiomimus: I've never seen a "thanks for the sex" card. What do they say? "Hey sweet stuff / That sex was fine / An offer of less sex / I would decline"?
T-Rex: Hah! "Hey baby, thanks for the sex! / It was hot / (in most respects.)"
Utahraptor: Hey, are we writing "thanks for the sex" cards?
T-Rex: Utahraptor! We totally are!!
T-Rex: Hey baby / that sex was fantastic / I hope next time / I'll be more enthusiastic?
Utahraptor: Hey sweetie / that sex was neat / although we weren't / exactly discreet.
T-Rex: Hey sexy / that sex was great! / It is how / we procreate!
Utahraptor: That one's accurate!
T-Rex: Anyway, to the recipient of this card: we had sex last night / and it was nice / I hope we used / a birth control device!
T-Rex (punchline): The end!
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1,071 | don't even bother filling it in. it's better that way! if you have to fill it in, write much too big so that the last letters get all piled in together at the end, okay? | Narrator: I GUESS I HAD A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT even though we didn't have sex
Narrator: A WEB CARD
T-Rex: Classy, dude!
T-Rex: Anyway, dear recipient of this card: the sender had a good time last night, even though you didn't have sex with him! You don't NEED to have sex to have a good time. Just like me!
Dromiceiomimus: Yesterday you told me you wanted your epitaph to be "T-Rex Always Needed Sex To Have A Good Time."
T-Rex: It's just - it's such bad timing that you would mention that right now, Dromiceiomimus.
Utahraptor: Did you seriously say you wanted that as your epitaph?
T-Rex: I was joking!
T-Rex: If I have an epitaph I want it to be "Here Lies T-Rex / He Was Great / Actually Hold On A Second / He's Still Alive."
Utahraptor: Okay.
T-Rex: Alright then. Well. Back to the card, huh?
T-Rex: Dear card recipient, the sender had a good time last night, even though you two didn't have sex! I'm going to say your name now to show how personalized this card is.
T-Rex: Here I go!
T-Rex (punchline): " "
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1,072 | oh, hey mom! what's up? | Narrator: YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT I LIKE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS
Narrator: a web "card"
T-Rex: Your email address! It's -
T-Rex: It's SO GOOD.
T-Rex: Maybe it's [email protected], [email protected], OR [email protected]. Any of those are good.
Dromiceiomimus: But not great.
T-Rex: GOOD, but not great.
T-Rex: The focus on partying appeals, though!
Utahraptor: Okay, but the point of this card is that the recipient doesn't know the sender!
T-Rex: Right!
T-Rex: The sender's weird. I'm gonna assume she's a woman! She types in random email addresses she thinks are cool and then sends them web cards. What's her deal?
Utahraptor: [email protected].
T-Rex: EXACTLY.
Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER:
T-Rex: What's this, an email? From [email protected]?
T-Rex (punchline): How INTRIGUING!
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1,074 | i don't know who sounds like me and can throw their voice back in time but it wasn't me. and also i think i said i'm gonna TISSUE so much in ten minutes. maybe you should get some tissues. i gotta go. | T-Rex: I bet I still have all sorts of secret skills I just haven't discovered yet. Like - like throwing my voice!
T-Rex: [from panel 4] Yoo-hoo!
T-Rex: OH MY GOODNESS I JUST DID IT!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I can throw my voice! Check it out!
T-Rex: Yoo-hoo!
Dromiceiomimus: Wow!
T-Rex: NO, not wow - that didn't work! But I did it before. I threw my voice before and it was AMAZING. I just need more practice!
T-Rex: Ahem.
[T-Rex throws his voice to panel 1]
T-Rex: Wait!! It worked!
Utahraptor: What?
T-Rex: I just realized I'm even better than I thought! I'm not just throwing my voice through space - I'm also throwing it through TIME! I can send messages to the past by simply throwing my voice there!
Utahraptor: Okay, I'm gonna need some proof for that.
T-Rex: Easy! I'll just remember to send a message back to this exact moment!
Off panel: Utahraptor! I'm gonna kiss you so much in ten minutes!
T-Rex (punchline): Um - that, ah, wasn't me.
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1,075 | MY GOODNESS, WHAT A SATISFYING COMIC | Narrator: COMPRESSED CLASSIC SCIENCE FICTION SHORT STORIES
Narrator: today's story:
Narrator: THE LAST QUESTION by ISAAC ASIMOV
T-Rex: Okay in this story I'm a computer called Multivac!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, ask me if there will ever be a way to stop the sun from running down. Ask me if there will ever be a way to prevent the entire Universe from cooling down and dying. Ask me if entropy can ever be reversed.
Dromiceiomimus: Will there ever be a way to do that?
T-Rex: Insufficient data for meaningful answer!
T-Rex: Okay Utahraptor, now it's centuries later and you ask me the same thing.
Utahraptor: Okay, how do I reverse entropy?
T-Rex: Insufficient data for meaningful answer! Okay so trillions of years have gone by and we've spread across the universe and I've gotten more and more advanced. Soon all life merges with me and your question is the only one I could never answer. I spend timeless intervals pondering it, okay?
Utahraptor: Okay.
T-Rex (punchline): Actually I'm not going to spoil the ending!
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1,076 | investment bankers won't talk to me anymore. | T-Rex: I have an extra $50 that I have saved. I believe I will put it in my bank account!
God: NO T-REX THAT IS A BAD IDEA
T-Rex: Explain!
God: IF YOU LEAVE MONEY IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IT GETS INTEREST BUT IF IT'S NOT AS MUCH AS INFLATION YOU'RE ACTUALLY LOSING MONEY PLUS YOUR INVESTMENTS COULD BE MAKING MORE ON THE STOCK MARKET
T-Rex: Fine! I'll invest my stupid $50 in the stupid stock market. Okay? HAPPY? I'll invest my $50 in a company that makes NECKTIES for UNDERACHIEVING DOGS.
Utahraptor: But before you do that, T-Rex, you should consider your investment goals!
T-Rex: Man!!
Utahraptor: Seriously! This is important. You need to decide: what do you want out of your investments? Security? Rapid growth?
T-Rex: Listen: all I want out of life is for my bank account to have 58,008 dollars in it, so that when I read my statement upside down, it says "BOOBS".
Banner (punchline): Worst answer to “What do you want out of your investments” question TODAY'S CHAMPION
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1,077 | LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS: today's technique: the narrator cutting things together to make you look like a big ol' chump! | T-Rex: I just had the funniest thought! The thought was, wouldn't it be HILARIOUS if someone thought that I was coasting on past successes? That would be funny because it's SO not me.
T-Rex: SO. NOT. ME.
Dromiceiomimus: Well, T-Rex... maybe it is you a little, you know? You do kind of talk yourself up a bit.
T-Rex: But I only do that when I've done something awesome - like... like when I built a larger-than-life statue of myself!
Dromiceiomimus: That was a year ago!
T-Rex: IT IS SEVERAL STORIES TALL. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT FOR LONGER THAN A DAY.
T-Rex: Man! Dromiceiomimus is crazy. I've done tons of stuff!
Utahraptor: Nobody's arguing that!
Utahraptor: But what have you done LATELY? I actually do think that maybe you coast a bit on your past successes, T-Rex.
T-Rex: What? I do not!!
T-Rex: Seriously! I do not.
Banner (punchline): Worst answer to “What do you want out of your investments” question YESTERDAY'S CHAMPION
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1,078 | mr. tusks!! that's not how evolution works! | Narrator: ISLAND DWARFISM COMICS
T-Rex: Island dwarfism is BASICALLY the best form of evolution ever.
T-Rex: It's SO CUTE!
T-Rex: Basically, the idea is that if a species gets to an island and is then isolated, it can evolve on its own, apart from what's happening on the rest of the planet. And if food supplies are limited, as they often are on islands, smaller individuals have an evolutionary advantage since they need less food to live! If the larger species survives at all, it usually survives by shrinking.
Utahraptor: How much shrinkage are we talking about here?
T-Rex: Oh my goodness, Utahraptor, you have no idea!
T-Rex: You can get dwarf ELEPHANTS. Tiny little elephants with tiny little tusks!
Utahraptor: Yeah, but how tin-
T-Rex: Is a 98% reduction in mass tiny enough for you? Utahraptor. THEY ARE THE MAYORS OF TINY TOWNE.
Narrator: EARLIER:
Off panel: [small] Hullo T-Rex, my name is "Mr. Tusks" and I'm a tiny elephant! Someone left me on this island for too long.
T-Rex: Oh my goodness, Mr. Tusks! Are you the MAYOR of Tiny Towne?
Off panel (punchline): [small] vice-mayor
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1,079 | An alternate ending had Easy Pickins stop by in panel six because he thought he heard his name. T-Rex said, 'NO, I wasn't talking about you, OR your brother Slim.' and Easy, well... I guess you'll just have to switch timelines to find out. | T-Rex: Island gigantism is a pretty okay form of evolution.
T-Rex: It's okay.
Narrator: ISLAND GIGANTISM COMICS
T-Rex: So what happens here is you've got a population that's isolated on an island, but you have plenty of food and no predators! So smaller animals like birds and rodents that normally had to stay tiny to avoid being eaten are free from that constraint, and so they can evolve to be enormous. Giant turtles! Giant cockroaches! Giant birds! The dodo started out as a pigeon.
Utahraptor: And now, all the dodos are dead!
T-Rex: And now, all the dodos are dead.
T-Rex: That's depressing, eh? It's the problem with island gigantism: as soon as we discover the island, we tend to either eat all the animals ourselves, or introduce new predators that find these trusting giants to be EASY PICKINS.
Utahraptor: Yep! It's too bad.
Narrator: THAT EVENING:
T-Rex: Mr Tusks, do you ever get depressed thinking about all the animals we've made extinct?
Off panel: [small] I guess I get a... TINY bit depressed, T-Rex!
T-Rex (punchline): Oh, Mr. Tusks! How do you always know just what to say?
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1,080 | please address all inquiries to Mr. Tusks / Vice Mayor, Tiny Towne / Tiny Towne Island / M6T U5K | T-Rex: I'm just so happy that I have a new friend who is a tiny elephant. Oh my goodness, I can't say how happy that makes me. To think of all these years I was looking for happiness in RELATIONSHIPS and SOCIETY when all that I wanted...
T-Rex: ...was a tiny elephant friend named Mr. Tusks!
T-Rex: Sometimes, Dromiceiomimus, in his official capacity of Vice-Mayor of Tiny Towne Island, Mr. Tusks wears a tiny bowler hat. HOW IS THAT NOT ADORABLE. OH MY GOODNESS.
Dromiceiomimus: Tiny Towne Island? I thought he just came from Tiny Towne.
T-Rex: The Towne takes up most of the island, so they share the same name! His mailing address: ULTIMATELY ADORABLE. I love my little elephant friend!
Utahraptor: T-Rex, aren't you being - ah, kind of racist?
T-Rex: What? How?
Utahraptor: It's just - every time you mention that you love Mr. Tusks, you mention that he's a tiny elephant. You treat his tiny elephant status as if it sums up his entire personality!
T-Rex: Utahraptor, you're right! I need to apologize to him right away.
Narrator: TINY TOWNE ISLAND:
Off panel: [small] I'm sorry, but the vice mayor is out on a SMALL errand. Would you like to leave a message?
T-Rex: Hah! Will he be back SHORTLY?
T-Rex (punchline): Good ol' Mr. Tusks!
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1,081 | the idea with the wallet thing is that if someone asks you the difference between ethics and morals you can just throw your wallet at them and say 'IT'S IN THERE' | Narrator: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ETHICS AND MORALS
Narrator: hey adults! put me in your wallet!
T-Rex: Ethics and morals are not the same thing!
T-Rex: I know! It's CRAZY. But ethics are something that you learn and study and are applied in society, while morals are more natural and instinctive. That's why you can have a low moral fibre (they're more innate), but there's no ethical fibre. You can only have poor ethical training!
Dromiceiomimus: Amazing!
T-Rex: I know!
Utahraptor: So wait - can an act then be considered immoral, but still ethical?
T-Rex: Possibly?
T-Rex: Honestly, this is pretty much all I know about the difference between ethics and morals, and I'm not even sure that's right.
Utahraptor: We could find out more at our local library!
T-Rex: To the library! It's this way. I'm pointing to it with my fingers.
Narrator: MUCH LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): maybe it's this way instead
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1,082 | My family tried a thing once where we made New Year's Resolutions, but instead of doing it for ourselves, we each did it for somebody else at the table. Guys. This is not a recipe for a harmonious dinner. | T-Rex: Okay, okay, so we can modify our personality, right? We're not the same people we were when we were six years old, and part of that has to be controlled by us.
T-Rex: We make New Year's Resolutions for a reason!
T-Rex: So we've got a self-modifying system: we examine our personality, determine things we don't like, and try to make them better. But how do we decide what we don't like? Our personality must feed into that process too! So you've got this feedback loop that goes all the way back to when we were born and started making decisions. And it seems to me that if you changed just a tiny thing early on, you could get a completely different adult down the road!
Utahraptor: Sensitive dependence on initial conditions! It's chaos theory applied to personalities, right?
T-Rex: Right!
Utahraptor: [small] Okay, some issues off just the top of my head: you haven't proven your assumption of control (conscious or otherwise) over personality, you seem to assume that babies are born as a blank slate with no initial personality, you leave the idea of "personality" pretty ill defined for something so central to your argument, and you haven't shown that altering behaviour (viz., Resolutions) is the same as altering personality.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): how does he make his voice so small
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1,083 | utahraptor! i've just received notice that the united nations passed resolution 74205, which states that you're dipped in burnsauce and served with my choice of salad or fries as a side!! | Narrator: SLANG FOR TEENS
T-Rex: Teens! Are you interested in slang?
T-Rex: Here is some handy slang for you, teens! "Bad" means "good". For example, "that rock concert was BAD!" Further, "bogus" means "bad", but these aren't transitive. Something that's bogus isn't good. "Bodacious" means "good", but these aren't symmetric either. A salad might be bodacious if it's exceptional, though.
T-Rex: I've never had one like that.
Utahraptor: Is there any reason why you're only doing outdated 80s slang?
T-Rex: Hey, Utahraptor!
T-Rex: Is there any reason why you're being such a DWEEB-O-RAMA?
T-Rex: OH SNAP! Who just got burned by his best friend for some mild criticism?
T-Rex: Utahraptor! It says here that it's you! It says right here on "BURN CHART 2007" that you're #1!
Narrator: A FEW MINUTES LATER:
T-Rex: Yep!
T-Rex (punchline): I've got some regrets!
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1,084 | michael chabon, i really think you're great. i know you wouldn't use the word "retarded" like that. | Heading: A MYSTERY STORY
Text: Once upon a time there was guy who "knocked over" (broke into) a bank and stole some money. Who did it? It was a mystery. Nobody knew the answer. They all asked each other who "knocked over" the bank but nobody knew for sure.
Text: It was this guy. He did it. T-Rex. This guy.
Text: But the bank was evil so it was okay to steal from it. It was justified. It's like if you stole from Hitler. Would that be so bad? Hitler would be mad if you stole from him. But, he's Hitler. There are a lot of moral grey areas in mystery stories.
Text: Most banks aren't even evil but this one was pretty bad. Imagine the worst things you can do. I will tell you right now that this bank did them five times before breakfast.
Text: There was a cop called Utahraptor who saw T-Rex and he chased him on foot. It was exciting. Where would the chase lead to now?
Text: The chase was on motorbikes for a while and then on skateboards. Then they chased on hang gliders. A bystander told his wife it was the best chase ever and she knew it was true. They were chasing on foot again when it ended. Utahraptor arrested T-Rex, but T-Rex explained how the bank was evil. The cop thought now I am torn between the law and what I believe is right. What do I do now! Utahraptor let T-Rex go with a warning. T-Rex said thanks I have learned my lesson. The mystery was solved, except for one part: where would the spirit of adventure take T-Rex next??
T-Rex: So? What do you think, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon?
Off panel: I asked you to proofread a chapter, not to substitute your own retarded story!
T-Rex (punchline): I don't think you should use the word "retarded" like that, Michael Chabon.
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1,086 | The obvious criticism is that if it looks like a chocochop and tastes like a chocochop, why not call the chocochop a chocochop, but the fact remains that there are two chemically distinct chocochops being chocochop chocochop. | Narrator: T-REX THE TALKING DINOSAUR IN:
T-Rex: Is it true that the content of our thoughts - their very meaning - is determined, at least in part, by our environment?
Narrator: SEMANTIC EXTERNALISM COMICS
T-Rex: Okay, suppose I think "I love chocochops", which are of course delicious chocolate pork chops with a real pork chop bone. And say there's a twin Earth, completely identical - EXCEPT that there, chocochops have a different chemical makeup, but taste and look the same! If my twin thinks "I love chocochops", he's actually referring to the one with CRAZY CHEMICALS, while when I think that, I'm referring to a chemically different object. The environment determines our semantics!
Utahraptor: Ah, the famous "Twin Earth" thought experiment of Hilary Putnam!
T-Rex: SOMEONE CAME UP WITH IT FIRST?
Utahraptor: Yeah, only his example was about water having a different composition on Twin Earth, instead of those hauntingly stupid chocochops you invented. The point is that both thinkers have the exact same mental state but are saying different things, and the environment is responsible for meaning there.
Narrator: EPILOGUE: A FEW DAYS LATER, T-REX CALLS HIS GRANDMOTHER.
T-Rex: But I don't mention anything about semantic externalism!
T-Rex (punchline): Sometimes I like to call her just to say hello
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1,087 | also starring Samuel L. Jackson, against type, as the Exasperated Farmer. | Narrator: EVERYONE I KNOW IS BECOMING VEGETARIAN
Narrator: A COMIC BASED ON A TRUE STORY
Narrator: MANY TRUE STORIES
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I know you're vegetarian, but you've been vegetarian since forever. You were ahead of the curve! But lately everyone ELSE is suddenly like, "Oh, T-Rex, I'm sorry, *I* don't eat pork chops anymore because they're way too delicious. And gosh, no, no, steaks are out too because they don't have any stupid chlorophyll in them!"
Dromiceiomimus: Well -
T-Rex: ¡That's what they're like!
Utahraptor: Don't you respect vegetarians?
T-Rex: I do! MOST OF THEM.
T-Rex: I guess I'm not used to feeling in the minority in knowing that animals can be friends AND food! It's not hard! You say, "Aw, that animal is SO CUTE" and then the camera cuts away and when it cuts back they have a bite mark out of them and I look cartoonishly guilty. The end!
T-Rex: Hold on, I'm gonna go make that film.
Movie poster: THE GUY WHO KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS
Movie poster: Once In a Lifetime Comes a Movie (In The German Expressionist Tradition) In Which A Dinosaur Takes Cartoony Bites out of Cows and Then Tries to Avoid Punishment for That.™
Movie poster (punchline): “BITINGLY hilarious!” --Everyone??
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1,088 | you'd think they'd put her on the poster | Movie poster: THE GUY WHO STILL KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS
Movie poster: This Time... The Farmer Is More Exasperated At All The Bites! The Sequel To The Movie That You Saw Before.
T-Rex: I bet I can get AT LEAST three more movies out of this premise!
Movie poster: THE GUY WHO KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS - IN LOVE
T-Rex: I love biting animals.
Dromiceiomimus: I love - you!
Movie poster: What a great romantic comedy! Will they get together at the end? ...What if there was a musical montage?...
Movie poster: THE TWO GUYS WHO KEPT TAKING BITES... OUT OF CRIME!
Movie poster: They Are Cops Now, Okay
Movie poster: Direct to VHS
Movie poster: THE TWO BITEY GUYS DISCUSS EARLY APPROACHES TOWARDS LAISSEZ-FAIRE CAPITALISM
Movie poster: “Five stars... out of a possible FOUR!”
Movie poster: “I liked all the jump cuts”
Movie poster: THE BITEY GUY THAT YOU LIKED FROM BEFORE IS BACK ONLY THIS TIME HE HAS A SEXY LESBIAN FRIEND
Movie poster (punchline): THE MOVIE
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1,089 | you go down a waterslide backwards? high five your friends and tell them you can't wait for the novelization! jump out of a plane and fashion a parachute out of your clothes on the way down? tell everyone you can't wait for the novelization of that one, baby! | Narrator: ELECTION COMICS
T-Rex: Oh my goodness do I ever love ELECTIONS.
T-Rex: You can't spell "selection" without "election"!
T-Rex: Not - not that that really has any bearing on "selection" or "election". I'm pretty sure the words have different etymologies. In fact, I'm almost certain, especially since I've never heard of "s" alone being used as a prefix. So REALLY, there's no reason I'd talk about the shared spelling between "selection" and "election" unless my intent was to mislead people based on coincidental surface construction! Huh.
Narrator: THE END
Narrator: ELECTION COMICS FOR REAL THIS TIME
Utahraptor: Hey, did you vote?
T-Rex: Let me answer that...
T-Rex: ...with a "HELLS YEAH!!". I voted so hard, Utahraptor. You should have seen me. I was DEMOCRACY IN ACTION. I picked up my ballot and said "HELLS YEAH!!" and then when I stuffed it into the ballot box, I did it with so much panache and élan that I can't hardly wait for the novelization.
T-Rex: You know what I'm sayin', Utahraptor? Are you pickin' up what I'm throwin' down?
T-Rex (punchline): It's going to be one HECK of a novelization.
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1,090 | In the draft, T-Rex finished panel 1 with "From now on, call me Tony Verificationism!" and when Utahraptor calls T-Rex "T-Rex" in panel 5, he interrupts him and says, "Tony." But there wasn't room! So add it in your mind, okay? Signed, Ryan North, Actual Cartoonist | T-Rex: In verificationism, a sentence has to be verifiably true (or false!) for it be meaningful. Not bad, guys! I think this is one philosophy that is verifiably REASONABLE.
T-Rex: So that's it for arguing about religion! Can't verify faith!
T-Rex: In fact, that's it for a lot of debate, because how can you argue FACTS? Most verificationist arguments must end with the parties involved looking things up in an encyclopaedia together and then firmly shaking hands.
Dromiceiomimus: But if they can't verify something, what do they do?
T-Rex: They agree that the sentence is meaningless! If it can't be checked, there's no use considering it, so it's ignored. Facts only, please!!
Utahraptor: But how does anyone know what's true?
T-Rex: Because... because of Science?
Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex, you know better! Science is about being empirically ACCURATE, which might not be the same thing as being true. Plus your senses could be lying to you, you could be a brain in a jar, etc.. If you're going to be verificationist, you're going to need a pretty impregnable definition of "truth".
T-Rex: Aha! But I can't VERIFY that my senses are liars, nor can I verify that I'm a brain in a jar! How does THAT taste, Utahraptor?
Off panel: You can verify the science thing!
T-Rex (punchline): Can you just tell me how it tastes, when you put THAT in your pipe and smoke it?
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1,091 | there's also consensus truth, where we all agree that something is true, so it is! this is really just relativism dressed up in a party hat, with a smile and a martini in each hand. i don't know. | T-Rex: If I'm going to be verificationist, I'd better figure out what it means to say that something is true! I'm going to start with... relativism!
T-Rex: This one is all, "Well, it's true for me!"
T-Rex: Guys. Come on. This is the dumbest theory of truth. This is the theory of truth that draws tattoos on itself in blue pen and then when you ask why anyone would draw a picture on their forearm of tree, with sausages, with the words "sausage tree" beneath it, it gets mad and says "You don't understand my truth!"
T-Rex: I'm - I'm personifying a little here but that's seriously what relativism does.
Utahraptor: What about fascist truth, where something is true because those with power say it's true?
T-Rex: Again - ultra dumb!
T-Rex: What I want is a theory of truth that's incontrovertible. In fact, I don't want even a THEORY of truth! I want a fact of truth.
Utahraptor: You're not going to get it! There's like 20 trillion theories, but no facts.
T-Rex: Oh YEAH?? We'll see about that!
Narrator: TWENTY TRILLION THEORIES OF TRUTH LATER:
T-Rex: Well God, I guess it really just goes to show you that there's many different competing ideas about what "true" really means!
God: UH HUH
T-Rex: And THAT'S the truth!
God (punchline): UH HUH
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1,092 | patrick stewart is checking his watch and sighing dramatically | T-Rex: Wait, I know some truths that are absolute: mathematical truths! How could I have been so blind?
T-Rex: It is a FACT that one plus one equals two!
T-Rex: All I need is a way to convert mathematical truths to the real world and I WILL NEVER BE WRONG AGAIN!
Dromiceiomimus: Um - I'm sorry to break it to you, T-Rex, but mathematical truths aren't absolute either. Math is built on a priori assumptions: you start with a few things that you assume are true and build on them! Stuff like "1+2 is the same as 2+1". Then you build up a mathematical system around that, but that doesn't mean math is true. It's just - consistent!
T-Rex: But... 1+2 IS the same as 2+1!
Utahraptor: Or so you think, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Damn my potentially-flawed senses!
Utahraptor: When our mathematical assumptions APPEAR to match up with reality, the results may also seem to apply - but math isn't any more "true" because of that! It's still based on unproven/unprovable assumptions. And you can actually build up systems where you decide that 1+2 does not equal 2+1, and they're just as consistent!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Attention, everyone I've ever met and ever will meet! Never mention the "flawed senses" idea again, okay? It prevents me from knowing absolute truth.
Multiple off-panel voices: SURE THING, T-REX!
T-Rex: Patrick Stewart! What are YOU doing here?
Off panel (punchline): um, being BORED
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1,093 | joking, of course. | T-Rex: I have gone too far "down the rabbit hole" and am reduced to being sure only of my own thoughts, and even then some other chump could be projecting them into my head. To that I say: "whatEVER!"
T-Rex: People do fine with approximations!
T-Rex: So what if truth is a platonic ideal that can't be reached? I'm fine with that! When someone says to me, "T-Rex, your birthday is this Saturday", will I demand they prove it? No. I will say "Wicked sweettimes" and then I will say "What did you get me" and then I will say "I bet it's so awesome" and that will be that.
Utahraptor: Hey, your birthday really is this Saturday!
T-Rex: See? It's true!
T-Rex: OR, it's close enough to true that we all agree on it. Brains in jars don't get birthdays! This is the reality I'm living in, and if it's not real then OH WELL, at least we'll all be eating ice cream cake come Saturday. You know?
Utahraptor: I hear you!
Narrator: THAT SATURDAY:
Off panel: Hey T-Rex! This ice cream cake is delicious!
T-Rex: Thanks! You don't think it tastes like... philosophical compromise?
Off panel: Only a little!
T-Rex (punchline): But you can hardly taste it, eh?
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1,094 | that last panel is ALREADY non-canon! who would say that to a kid? a jerk, that's who! | T-Rex: What if... what if I had the BEST HOUSE EVER this Hallowe'en?
T-Rex: [starts daydreaming]
[T-Rex's daydream]
Off panel: T-Rex! This house is SPOOK-TACULAR!
T-Rex: Guys, I totally know!!
T-Rex: [stops daydreaming]
T-Rex: I must make this dream come true! But HOW?
Dromiceiomimus: What if you made your house spiritually scary, T-Rex? Like, instead of a corpse, a mannequin of a woman who is realizing that she has married badly.
T-Rex: Not bad! And I could have a spooky tape, but instead of chainsaws and screams, I'd have the voice of a man quietly dictating memories of his youth, knowing Alzheimer’s will rob him of them soon.
Utahraptor: But these ideas won't be scary for passers-by!
T-Rex: Sure they will!
Utahraptor: They need explanation! The best scares are like the best art, where you get it viscerally, without a little placard beneath it that says "OKAY. SO. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS ALZHEIMER'S."
T-Rex: Man, you just wait! Kids will be boarding the train to SCARYTOWNE at my house.
Narrator: HALLOWE'EN NIGHT:
Off panel: Mister, why is that man talking about when he was a kid?
T-Rex: Because he's got a disease that robs him of his memories, relationships and identity. It is death before death.
T-Rex (punchline): Oooh, what scary costumes!
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1,095 | eventually i'm gonna stop meeting you for lunch, GRANDMA | Narrator: JANUARY:
T-Rex: Ah, the start of a brand new year. There's so much potential! What could possibly go wrong?
Narrator: FEBRUARY:
T-Rex: Stood up on Valentine's day?
Narrator: MARCH:
T-Rex: Stood up on ST. PATRICK'S DAY?!
Dromiceiomimus: Aww, T-Rex, we can still hang out and drink green beer!
T-Rex: Thanks, Dromiceiomimus. But man, who stands someone up on St. Patrick's day? BESIDES MY DATE, THAT IS!!
Narrator: MAY:
T-Rex: I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS STOOD UP AGAIN, TODAY, ON CINCO DE MAYO.
Utahraptor: Aww, T-Rex! It'll be okay!
Narrator: SEPTEMBER:
T-Rex: Remember my St. Patrick's Day date? The woman who stood me up?
Utahraptor: Yep!
T-Rex: TODAY IS LABOUR DAY (LABOR DAY IN THE UNITED STATES) AND SHE HAS STOOD ME UP AGAIN.
Narrator: DECEMBER:
T-Rex (punchline): You know, besides being stood up all the time, it wasn't actually that bad a year!
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1,096 | if you're having trouble visualizing it, it's the move kirk used to do all the time. it's probably really satisfying to do. | T-Rex: You know how in stories, whenever a character has the chance, he always decides that it's too dangerous to know too much about his own future?
T-Rex: Um, I would like to know too much, please!
T-Rex: Knowing who I marry, knowing where I end up living - all of these would be great timesavers!
Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, but then you'd lose the joy of living your own life! There'd be no more surprises.
T-Rex: Okay, knowing just one thing, then. Going through life knowing that no matter what, I'm going to win the lottery, for example!
Utahraptor: Or, knowing that no matter what, you're NEVER going to win the lottery!
T-Rex: Also good!
T-Rex: I just want one little tidbit, you know?
Utahraptor: Okay - um, NO MATTER WHAT, one day you're going to... eat a whole pig?
T-Rex: Man, I coulda told you that! I accidentally almost ate a whole pig at breakfast, you know?
God: T-REX ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO PUNCH AN ATTACKING BEAR IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS AND THEN HE'LL BEND OVER IN PAIN AND THEN YOU'LL ELBOW HIM IN THE BACK
T-Rex: Oh my goodness!
T-Rex (punchline): My future! It's... it's so AWESOME...
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1,097 | originally one of the lines was "There's a parallel universe where you're already regretting that decision." but, holy creepy. | Narrator: THINGS TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE HAS BROKEN UP WITH YOU
T-Rex: Sometimes, someone will break up with you. Aw snaps! What do you say to THAT?
T-Rex: Here are some things you can say to that!
T-Rex: "It's okay, sweetie! I'm sure one day you'll find someone ALMOST as good as me!"
T-Rex: "Would you also break up with a rocket skateboard? BECAUSE THOSE WOULD BE GREAT. LIKE ME. I AM GREAT."
Dromiceiomimus: "You can't fire me, baby! I quit!"
Utahraptor: "Don't you think you should have settled while you were ahead?"
T-Rex: "What if your next boyfriend is uglier?"
T-Rex: "Honestly though, I will always treasure the time we had together. I liked who I was with you - who we were together - and I hope we'll both be able to take that with us in the future. You've changed me and you're a part of who I am. I know our relationship will be different now, but I can't imagine ever not loving you."
T-Rex (punchline): "Oh, were we dating?"
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1,098 | ATTENTION HOMEOWNERS: PLEASE DO THIS. IT WILL BE GREAT. WHEN I OWN A HOME THIS IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO. | T-Rex: Wouldn't it be funny if I planted A FAKE GRAVE for future generations to discover?
T-Rex: [thinks] YES.
T-Rex: Why, yes, it would!
T-Rex: What I'm going to do is get a construction crew to put a skeleton, wearing workman's clothes, RIGHT IN MY HOUSE'S WALLS. Then, when my house is torn down in the future, the deconstruction crew will wonder which of their unlucky cousins faced such a grim demise!
Dromiceiomimus: But where are you going to get a skeleton?
T-Rex: From... the internet?
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Forget you, internet! Your skeletons cost like $6000!
Utahraptor: $6000 for a plastic skeleton?
T-Rex: Well, no, a real one. But if I use a fake one the prank will be found out too soon!
Utahraptor: Not if you chemically touch it up. It should withstand scrutiny long enough to make the news!
T-Rex: SERIOUSLY??
Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER:
T-Rex: I get to spend the rest of my life being in on a great joke, and knowing that after I'm dead some honest tradespeople are going to be spooked, then intrigued, then cheezed off at me!
T-Rex (punchline): Not bad!
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1,099 | how will future generations know that what they're seeing is supposed to be the remains of a time machine? I DUNNO, MAYBE SOME CLOCKS LABELLED "DESTINATION TIME", "PRESENT TIME", AND "LAST TIME DEPARTED" WILL DO THE TRICK?? | T-Rex: God, guess what I'M going to do today!
God: UM PLANT MORE FAKE GRAVES
T-Rex: Indeed!!
T-Rex: Fake graves... for EVERYONE!
T-Rex: One of them will be of a dude with the remains of a time machine, and I'm gonna put him down at the Permian-Triassic boundary (the greatest extinction event EVER, in which 95% of all marine species and 70% of all land life became extinct)! I'm gonna make it look like this guy's time machine was responsible. It'll be all there in his notebook. "My time machine accidentally blew up and is responsible for the mass extinctions. Frig."
T-Rex: All of this will go in Dromiceiomimus's back yard, which I forgot to ask permission about!
Utahraptor: And in mine?
T-Rex: Utahraptor, in YOUR back yard I'd like to bury a skeleton, but I'm gonna give him some extra fingers and also we'll cover him in feathers. People will say, "Who was this Incredible Feathered Bird Man with the crazy fingers? Was he - was he a GOD?"
Utahraptor: 'Kay!
Narrator: LATER, ON TINY-TOWNE ISLAND!
T-Rex: Tell me honestly, Mr. Tusks: do you think my grave pranks are DEFINITELY the most awesome ideas you've ever heard?
Off panel: [small] I think they're a... TINY bit awesome, T-Rex!
T-Rex (punchline): Mr. Tusks... are you just saying that for the pun?
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1,100 | whatever, UTAHRAPTOR. you know tng's way too awesome to be a nerd show, and voyager's way too dumb. | T-Rex: Cargo cults are religions that have developed during World War II in island tribal societies exposed to the West! Islanders saw planes delivering amazing and valuable cargo to the troops, and believed it to be divine.
Narrator: KARGO KULT KOMICS
T-Rex: During the war, the islanders would see this cargo going to the troops and would grow to believe that the gods meant it for them - that the white people were just getting it sooner because of their influential rituals. And of course, after the war ended and the troops left, the cargo stopped being dropped too.
Utahraptor: So what happened then?
T-Rex: The islanders started mimicking what they'd seen the troops doing!
T-Rex: The result was ersatz marches, imitation airstrips and walkie talkies made out of wood and bamboo, and even torch signal flares, used to signal divine planes that never come!
Utahraptor: Wow! It recasts Western military culture and tools as religious practice and iconography, respectively!
T-Rex: I know! It's CRAZY! Not in the pejorative sense, but in the more esoteric "Holy crap the Prime Directive on Star Trek was RIGHT" sense of crazy. It's a very particular sense of crazy but I'm feeling it right now!
Off panel (punchline): I'm feeling it right now too, and I don't even watch nerd shows!!
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1,101 | T-REX STARS IN: T-REX'S BUSY AFTERNOON | T-Rex: What if - what if I started my OWN cargo cult?
God: NO THAT IS NOT ALLOWED
T-Rex: Aw man! You say that for ALL the awesome stuff.
Narrator: EARLIER:
T-Rex: What if I put chocolate sauce in my iced tea?
God: DON'T DO IT
T-Rex: I'm gonna!!
Narrator: EARLIER:
T-Rex: What if I started my OWN waterslide, but put a fine layer of gasoline on top, and then lit it, so that when you slide you could slide through FIRE (EXTREME!!), but then if it got too hot, you'd just have to go underwater to "cool down"?
God: NO
T-Rex: I'd give you a FREE pass!
God: GONNA HAVE TO STICK WITH NOPERS HERE
Narrator: EARLIER:
T-Rex: What if I made... carbonated CARBON?
Utahraptor: That's a terrible idea!
Utahraptor: It doesn't even make sense. If you carbonate a solid the best you're gonna get is a solid with carbon dioxide bubbles in it. And if you've done that you've probably come up with Swiss cheese, so upon closer inspection I think this is a great idea as I would actually like some Swiss cheese, please.
God (punchline): CAN I GET SOME TOO
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1,102 | CORRECT! further, many ghosts go on to express their sincere hope that slavery will one day only be read about in history BOOOO-ks | Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR CHILDREN
Narrator: AND ADULTS
Narrator: I GUESS
Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Which kind of street does a ghost love best?
Dromiceiomimus: Which?
T-Rex: A DEAD END!
Dromiceiomimus: Oh my goodness!
T-Rex: I know! Should you laugh... OR RUN IN TERROR?
Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR PEOPLE INTERESTED IN LEARNING MORE ABOUT BATS
T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor! Why don't bats live alone?
Utahraptor: I don't know, T-Rex! Why DON'T bats live alone?
T-Rex: Because they prefer to hang out with their friends!
Utahraptor: Bats are nocturnal mammals who can hang upside down while resting.
Narrator: GENERATIVE HALLOWE'EN JOKES
Off panel: What kind of pie do ghosts like?
T-Rex: BOOberry!
Off panel: Where do ghosts go on vacation?
T-Rex: Mali-BOO!
Off panel: Why do ghosts hate slavery?
T-Rex (punchline): Because... they're aBOOlitionist?
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1,103 | i'd been compiling a mental list of these for years. i thought i was alone, but randall munroe told me he'd been doing the same, and had discovered the name for them: initial-stress-derived nouns. they even have a wikipedia page. nice! | T-Rex: Homophones are words that SOUND the same but mean different things, like "news" and "gnus". Way to go only part way, HOMOPHONES.
T-Rex: Don't bother showing up to my dinner party, HOMOPHONES.
T-Rex: MORE impressive, and still invited for Yukon Potato Gnocchi, are words that are SPELT the same, but have two different meanings: words like "attribute" (to credit something to someone) and "attribute" (a property of something)! One's a noun and one's a verb and it's seriously so awesome. I cannot imagine how to perfect these words, as they are already perfect! Oh ho ho!
Utahraptor: But are there really a lot of these words?
T-Rex: Utahraptor! Let's be serious.
T-Rex: Are you not familiar with accent? Or with addict, combine, conduct, conflict, content, and object? PERHAPS YOU'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO PERFECT, PRESENT, PROGRESS, REFUND, SUSPECT, AND UPSET?
Utahraptor: Okay.
T-Rex: Okay. Well. They're at my dinner party tonight.
Narrator: LATER THAT EVENING.
T-Rex: Man! I've got to start inviting REAL people to my parties.
God (punchline): WAIT WHAT
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1,104 | i looked up "emo" on wikipedia, and apparently there's a form of music based on emo, but with more yelling into the microphone! guys. it's called "screamo". | Narrator: LATE LAST NIGHT:
God: T-REX HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HOMOGRAPHIC HOMOPHONIC AUTANTONYMS
T-Rex: I have not!
God: OKAY SO HERE'S WHAT THEY'RE LIKE
Narrator: THIS MORNING:
T-Rex: Sorry, other word classes! I have a NEW girlfriend now!
T-Rex: A homographic homophonic autantonym is a word that is spelt AND pronounced the same, but has two opposite and contradictory meanings! For example, I can dust a crop (adding pesticides to it), or I can dust a counter (removing dust from it)! Way to go, dust! You are a winner; you are a word that contains multitudes.
Dromiceiomimus: Why do we let language get like this?
T-Rex: Probably because we want it to be incredibly awesome?
Utahraptor: And both "dust"s are the same part of speech there, too, so you can't use word order to determine meaning!
T-Rex: INDEED!
T-Rex: ALL YOU CAN DO is hope to use your real-world knowledge about crops and tables to figure out what's going on. And it's even worse with words like "overlook", meaning "examine" but ALSO meaning "miss noticing entirely". Can't rely on the noun there!
Utahraptor: How come you love words that make communication difficult?
T-Rex: What is not to like? They're words that do their job in the most sarcastic, sullen, passive-aggressive way possible, and they totally get away with it!
T-Rex (punchline): I just want to pat them on the head and ruffle their hair, you know?
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1,105 | haha, look at t-rex on the last cover! he's all, "SERIOUSLY, baby?!" | T-Rex: He's Just Not That Into You? Come on. I can write a better self-help book for people who want cold-hard yet charmingly sassy relationship advice!
T-Rex: Probably!
Book cover: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOUR RAMBLEY STORIES
Book cover: they go on for SO long and we all get tired
Book cover: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO WOMEN WHO REMIND HIM OF HIS MOTHER
Book cover: Personality-Wise? Maybe It's Your Body.
Book cover: HE'S A TOTAL JERK BUT YOU GET MAD AT US IF WE SAY THAT
Book cover: so this book is about dinosaurs instead
Book cover: happy anniversary
Book cover: HE BROKE UP WITH YOU BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU
Book cover: he didn't dial the wrong number and then break up with you because he thought you were somebody else with the same name that he no longer wanted to be cheating on you with, is the thing
Book cover: YOUR BODY NO LONGER EXCITES HER
Book cover (punchline): the book!
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1,106 | buyers of the second book are like, "phew, i was almost nervous for my relationship for a second there! lucky thing they finished that ellipsis!" | Book cover: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, MAN
Book cover: Probably She's Attracted To Men Who Are Different From You In Some Way
Book cover: What The Heck, Right?
Book cover: who the heck does she think she is
Book cover: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU...R TASTE IN MUSIC
Book cover: don't worry DON'T WORRY everything else is FINE
Book cover: IN MY LAST BOOK I SAID HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC BUT WHAT I ACTUALLY WANTED TO TELL YOU WAS THAT HE'S - HE'S GREAT
Book cover: he's a real catch and um, you should get married
Book cover: "tie the knot"
Book cover: ha ha
Book cover: THE MAN WHO KISSED A WOMAN BECAUSE HIS FRIEND AT WORK KEPT TEASING HIM ABOUT NOT KISSING ANYONE FOR A WHILE
Book cover: sure showed HIM
Book cover: HE DOESN'T CALL BECAUSE IT'S LONG DISTANCE AND HE HAS CRIPPLING DEBT
Book cover: you know those stock photos of a man with scissors cutting up his credit cards because he has too much debt? that was him!
Book cover: THAT DOES NOT ERASE YOUR DEBT, MAN WITH SCISSORS
Book cover (punchline): MY LAST BOOK WAS MORE ABOUT FINANCIAL ADVICE THAN RELATIONSHIPS
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1,107 | also can i get the $5 you owe me for the subs i bought us at lunch last week: THE BOOK | Book cover: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP BUYING T-REX'S RELATIONSHIP BOOKS
Book cover: is it because he's on the cover? that's the only reason i can think of
Book cover: WELL HERE HE IS
Book cover: a book by utahraptor
T-Rex: WHAT
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, Utahraptor put me on his friggin' book! It's got me on the cover and it makes me look like I wrote it even though the title is just pure sass. It is pure SASSY MOLASSY.
Dromiceiomimus: Um, why don't you talk to him about it?
T-Rex: I will! Right after I stomp on a few things to work off my anger, that is!
Utahraptor: Hey buddy!
T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR.
T-Rex: The mere sight of you has returned my anger! Why did you put out that book?
Utahraptor: What book?
T-Rex: SOMEONE put out sass-ass book, and it said it was by Utahraptor!
Utahraptor: It wasn't me, man! Let me see. Maybe there's a clue to who really did it.
Book cover: THAT LAST BOOK WAS PUT OUT BY DROMICEIOMIMUS, NOT BY ME OR UTAHRAPTOR
Book cover: what the heck, dromiceiomimus
Book cover (punchline): when will we pick up the phone to talk about this rather than going through publishing companies, is my question
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1,108 | god's supposed to be saying "save it for the pocket universe, man" but if you read it as "save it for the pocket universe man" that's cool too. i'd like to meet this man, this... this Pocket Universe Man. | T-Rex: All I've got to show for the past week is a bunch of books that nobody is ever going to read!
Narrator: LET'S ALL TAKE STOCK OF THE PAST WEEK COMICS
Dromiceiomimus: All I've got to show for the past week is a book I published as part of a practical joke that I really enjoyed! Also I made a delicious meal, but that's gone now. I'm experimenting with eggplant.
T-Rex: Not bad! I wish I could have tried it!
Dromiceiomimus: Next time!
Utahraptor: All I've got to show for the past week is a kick-ass scar!
T-Rex: What?! When did you get that?
Utahraptor: I got it when I fell rocket skating after hang-gliding off a mountain and landing in waiting rocket skates! I hit a bump after a few kilometers.
T-Rex: Man, I missed out on ROCKET SKATING because I was writing books? That sucks! That -
T-Rex: That SUCKS.
God: ALL I'VE GOT TO SHOW FOR THE PAST WEEK IS A POCKET UNIVERSE I CREATED WHERE EVERYONE FINISHES EVERY SENTENCE WITH "TO THE MAX"
T-Rex: Well at least THAT sounds totally awesome to the max!
God: YEAH
God (punchline): SAVE IT FOR THE POCKET UNIVERSE MAN
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1,109 | there's a guy who rocks out while playing his keyboard near my house every weekend, but the great part is the keyboard is clearly playing itself on "demo mode". nice! | T-Rex: So this homeless guy asked me for change yesterday.
T-Rex: The first thing I thought was, "Sure!"
T-Rex: But THEN I thought, well, wait, if I really want to fight homelessness, wouldn't this money be better spent on community programs that fight it, both through helping the homeless and through political change? But then I thought, well, this guy's right here, you know, and saying that I'm gonna make a donation isn't gonna cut it. And then I thought, wait, this guy looks pretty out of it - is he going to spend my money on drugs? Do I want to tacitly support addiction?
Utahraptor: And then you thought how prejudiced that was?
T-Rex: Sure did!
T-Rex: Then I thought, even if he is gonna spend it on drugs, is it my job to deny him money? Should I go around enforcing my morality on others? Then I thought, geez man, how ridiculous am I that a guy asking for change throws me into these throes of self-doubt and analysis?
Utahraptor: Pretty ridiculous?
T-Rex: Pretty ridiculous! But then I recalled Socrates' "The unexamined life is not worth living" and at that point, my head pretty much exploded.
Off panel: Did you give the guy anything?
T-Rex (punchline): I gave him my change and whispered "DON'T TELL ANYONE UNTIL I CAN FIGURE US OUT"?
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1,110 | you can say "that's our friggin' universe for you!" in response to any observation someone tells you. i recommend it! | Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE ALL PROVERBS ARE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT:
T-Rex: My bike broke because I had maintained it poorly. But you know what they say!
T-Rex: "200 kilotons of prevention is worth 3200 kilotons of cure!"
T-Rex: They also say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor in his house. Look: the doctor has no clients."
Dromiceiomimus: Further, T-Rex, they go on to observe that "One bad apple spreads decay to other apples stored nearby. An entire barrel can easily be ruined in this manner."
T-Rex: It's SO TRUE.
Utahraptor: Hey, have you noticed how our proverbs are - a little awkward?
T-Rex: Now that you mention it, I have!
Utahraptor: It's like they're all poorly-phrased versions of things that could be condensed down. Like, "You are what you ingest, figuratively, and, in a sense, literally!" It's just weird.
T-Rex: You'd expect that over time they'd condense down to their core meanings. But I guess that's our friggin' universe for you!
Narrator: LATER, A LONG TRAIN RIDE HOME:
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] "If there was a singular Dickens who had to pee, I would be SO like him right now."
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1,111 | anyway, let's go to a different restaurant tonight. i'm only going back to that place in character from now on. | T-Rex: Who was the dude sitting alone at the biggest table in a packed restaurant last night, waiting for friends who never came? It was ME!
T-Rex: Friiiiiig!
Dromiceiomimus: But it's tonight that we're all planning to meet for dinner!
T-Rex: I know! I got the dates confused and there I was, Mr. No Friends Who Likes To Pretend. After about 30 minutes I started smiling at people who'd look at me and make this shrugging "Friends, huh? They sure are unreliable!" gesture, which I'd then follow up with a "I have lots of friends" hand signal. Looks like this.
Utahraptor: So you were That Guy at the restaurant!
T-Rex: I was! But then I started trying to own it, you know?
T-Rex: I ordered this big appetizer platter "for my friends when they arrive" and distributed it so there was food for everyone, slowly picking at my share while the rest went cold. It was great. I perfected this heartbreakingly hopeful glance up whenever new people came in.
Utahraptor: Oh man!
T-Rex: Eventually I just stopped looking up at all, blankly staring at the chicken wing bones on my plate. Finally I ordered a piece of cake with a candle and sang "Happy birthday" to myself, quiet and soft.
T-Rex (punchline): The waitress gave me the cake for free!
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Subsets and Splits