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1linejokes

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How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
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I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That's why I'm in your house.
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Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.
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Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish.
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If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.
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I like to finish other people's sentences because my version is better.
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Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
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1973: smoking in the boy's room. 2018: vaping in the gender-neutral restroom.
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What goes through towns, up hills, and down hills but never moves? The road!
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Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
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I once worked as a salesman and was very independent: I took orders from no one.
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Despite my specific instructions, no one that has listened to my voicemail has left me a massage after the beep.
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Imagine saying hello to a dog in a normal conversational voice.
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What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
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If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.
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There are approximately 45 seconds between I'll make us an omelet and We're having scrambled eggs.
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I'd like to start today by telling you how wonderful (NAME) is. I'd like to but
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What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong? Figures!
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Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
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I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.
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I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
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An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
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It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.
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