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1linejokes

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To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
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A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
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Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
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R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
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A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.
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My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly we need to talk.
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
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Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
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Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A huge thanks to the guy that just explained the word many to me. It means a lot.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
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The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
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Your future depends on your dreams. Don't waste any time, go to bed now.
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What underwear does clouds wear? Thunderwear!
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Your smile must be a black hole, nothing can escape its pull.
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What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.
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I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son.
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Hit snooze until the panic sets in.
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Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
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Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says My wife's an angel another guy says Your lucky, mines still alive.
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Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?
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If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
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