id
large_string | author
large_string | title
large_string | selftext
large_string | score
int64 | log_score
float64 | num_comments
int64 | created_at
timestamp[us] | num_tokens
int64 |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1gwg44i
|
dwsam
|
I don’t have a girlfriend
|
But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
- Mitch Hedberg
| 227 | 5.42495 | 14 | 2024-11-21T13:21:11 | 27 |
tnpfin
|
JudeWheresMyCar76
|
The demon looked me in the eyes and said, “May your worst nightmare now come to fruition.”
|
And as he spoke, all my fedoras disappeared from my closet, and my Reddit karma reset to zero.
| 0 | 0 | 3 | 2022-03-25T16:15:43 | 42 |
14g6iif
|
Triumph741
|
Todd Howard is who I would want to represent humanity when the aliens show up
|
“We have sixteen times the weapons of mass destruction”
| 2 | 0.693147 | 0 | 2023-06-22T15:27:03 | 26 |
s08hka
|
Leftygoleft999
|
I went to my doctor with a bad case of Covid and he prescribed me viagra…
|
I hope he’s right otherwise it’s a hard way to go out.
| 3 | 1.098612 | 2 | 2022-01-10T02:22:55 | 32 |
1632jq1
|
algabanan
|
A moth goes into a pediatrist's office. (Norm)
|
The pediatrist says to the moth "what's the problem?"
"Where do I begin? I go to work for Kareem Benbouda and all day long I work. Honestly doc idek what i'm doing anymore I don't think even Kareem Benbouda knows. He only knows he has power over me and that seems to bring him happiness. I wake up and in a malaise and I walk here and there... At night I sometimes wake up and find myself next to some old lady I used to love. I dont know who to turn to, my youngest Fareeda she fell in the cold of last year it took her like it did many others. And my other boy Hussein Saleem... I no longer love him as much as it pains me to say, all i see in his eyes is the same cowardess I see in my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardess was stronger then perhaps I could reach to that load gun that lays on my bedside. Doc sometimes I feel like a spider even though I am a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an ever lasting fire beneath me! I'm not feeling good"
"Moth man you are troubled, but you should be seeing a psychiatrist why in the hell did you come here?"
"Because the light was on"
| 1 | 0 | 2 | 2023-08-27T21:24:30 | 283 |
txqrfm
|
YoKevinO
|
The food at my favorite restaurant has been really up and down lately
|
Some blame the cooks but in my opinion it’s the dumb waiters
| 9 | 2.197225 | 2 | 2022-04-06T16:58:24 | 27 |
szk5m1
|
TheLaziestPotato
|
How do you tell the difference between a fisher and a musician?
|
You ask them to say the word bass.
| 680 | 6.522093 | 59 | 2022-02-23T15:30:52 | 23 |
ta7hgk
|
Sky_Office
|
If you’re feeling useless today…
|
Just remember that some people in Russia are studying at the faculty of International Relations.
| 4 | 1.386294 | 1 | 2022-03-09T13:12:10 | 23 |
s7dmkm
|
dkb52
|
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
|
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
| 28 | 3.332205 | 4 | 2022-01-19T01:19:12 | 95 |
u32bc0
|
Whatthefuck1403
|
Want to hear a joke about trash?
|
Never mind, it's mostly garbage.
| 7 | 1.94591 | 6 | 2022-04-13T22:32:12 | 16 |
1ebb862
|
Emergency_Scholar237
|
I think my wife is cheating one me, she just called out another man's name in bed...
|
.... who the fuck names there kid "Wrong Hole"?
| 1 | 0 | 4 | 2024-07-24T20:08:47 | 32 |
v5cxsg
|
MudakMudakov
|
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.
|
The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.
The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.
The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.
The Ukrainian stands up, straightens his vyshyvanka, says "Slava Ukraini!" and throws the Russian out.
| 685 | 6.529419 | 44 | 2022-06-05T13:03:48 | 148 |
17sdfma
|
benf101
|
They say that mafia members are nasty people, but...
|
but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.
In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.
| 2,019 | 7.610358 | 71 | 2023-11-10T20:49:17 | 48 |
12z6epl
|
GeorgeRizzerman
|
I’m ok with trans women competing in women’s sports
|
As long as I’m allowed to bet
| 19 | 2.944439 | 11 | 2023-04-26T04:32:05 | 19 |
13rqudu
|
Openly_Canadian_74
|
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were playing golf...
|
And they were having a hard time because they were constantly being distracted and disrupted by another group of golfers who were playing very badly.
"Why are they even being allowed to golf here?" the doctor asked their caddie.
"Well," said the caddie, " They used to be firefighters. About a month ago the manager of this golf course was in his clubhouse when a sudden thunderstorm broke out. Lightening struck the clubhouse and set it on fire, trapping him inside. The firefighters rescued him and put the fire out but the smoke got in their eyes and made them go blind. To show his thanks the manager lets them play golf any time they want for free."
After hearing this the priest said, "Those poor, brave souls. I'll say a very special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "I know someone who does corrective eye surgery. He might be able to restore their vision."
The engineer said, "Why don't they just play at night?"
| 17 | 2.833213 | 0 | 2023-05-25T19:28:01 | 213 |
18jh7pv
|
IvanTheFirst
|
What do you say to a horse that throws up on you?
|
Thanks for the feedback.
| 136 | 4.912655 | 28 | 2023-12-16T02:40:35 | 18 |
19bewks
|
dp37405
|
First time in Vegas
|
First time in Vegas I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didn't even use them! She said “Well they were here and available and you could’ve used them.”
So I just wrote out a check, but made it out for $50 and handed it to her. She said: “Sir this check is for only $50.”
I said “That’s right! I charged you $200 for sleeping with me.”
“But I didn’t!” she said.
I said: “Well I was here and available, and you could have!”
| 1,454 | 7.282074 | 90 | 2024-01-20T16:00:51 | 169 |
1hkj8op
|
Funnypostsrarely
|
I was driving my friend who had alzheimer's to the hospital, offering to pay for her treatment.
|
Since we both were American, it took me quite a while to save enough money for her treatment. When I asked which song she wanted me to play on the radio, she kept pointing at me and saying "Who is she?" repeatedly. I put that song on. But she still kept saying that and pointing her finger at me. I wonder why.
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 2024-12-23T08:11:01 | 93 |
1e8bnp0
|
Strong_Deer_3075
|
What's worse than a stinky skunk on the piano?
|
A diseased beaver on the organ!
| 5 | 1.609438 | 4 | 2024-07-21T02:06:14 | 22 |
18wev37
|
Fuzzie8
|
Some idiot glued every card in my deck together so now its just a block of cardboard.
|
I’m having trouble dealing with it.
| 1 | 0 | 7 | 2024-01-02T03:05:22 | 26 |
1aoqub2
|
bama247365
|
I asked my wife if she likes Imagine Dragons
|
She said not really. So I asked her how bout imagine dragon deez nuts across her forehead. She wasn’t amused.
| 1 | 0 | 2 | 2024-02-12T03:55:48 | 34 |
twswb9
|
Hyper__Beam
|
What is the only similarity between serial killers and gamer
|
**They collect skins**
| 13 | 2.564949 | 3 | 2022-04-05T11:37:11 | 15 |
ve7t67
|
queen_ofthe_night
|
A psychologist came to an insane asylum in order to see if inmates were ready to be discharged
|
The psychologist brought with him a match box, he'd ask each inmate what was the thing he was holding, If they answered correctly, he would discharge them. The first inmate said a "match box", so he was discharged. The second man said "match box" so he was also discharged, so on and so on 'till came the 10th patient. "What is it I'm holding?" Asked the psychologist. "A cat." Said the inmate. "No, it's a match box. I'll come in next week to see if you improved." The next week the psychologist came again, he asked the inmate again what was the match box in his hand, and again, the inmate said a cat. The psychologist again said that it's a match box, and that he'll come back next week. The weeks passed and the psychologist was getting annoyed with the inmate. In the 14th week the inmate was yet again in a meeting with the psychologist. "What am I holding?" Asked the psychologist, annoyed. "A match box!" Said the inmate, the psychologist was so happy he hugged the inmate and as a gift gave him the match box and discharged him.
As he was stepping out of the insane asylum, the inmate patted the match box and said "We got 'em, didn't we, kitty?"
| 30 | 3.401197 | 11 | 2022-06-17T07:54:01 | 294 |
17z140m
|
Masala-Dosage
|
I saw this guy running down the road with a bunch of monsters. When I asked him what he was doing he said:
|
I’m exercising my demons.
| 239 | 5.476464 | 19 | 2023-11-19T16:40:39 | 31 |
yx6hyh
|
IamStupid_IamStupid
|
The UK is introducing a square 99p coin.
|
It’s not a round number
| 10 | 2.302585 | 8 | 2022-11-16T21:16:24 | 18 |
vs7h9g
|
Jackaware69
|
I work at a dry cleaners and some guy just dropped off a bunch of ripped up nun’s clothes!
|
Guess he had some bad habits
| 2 | 0.693147 | 3 | 2022-07-05T20:33:36 | 27 |
raflo8
|
hoosyourdaddyo
|
A story from the Galaxy Grill at Space Stop 5
|
We was lost, none of us knew where we were...and Harry started feelin' around all the trees, and then he said "I got it! We on Pluto" We said "Harry, how can you tell?" "From the bark, you dummies! From the bark!"
| 0 | 0 | 1 | 2021-12-06T19:34:30 | 70 |
1bbfshf
|
deviusink
|
Hey Guys...Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.
|
She will instantly have a headache and then go to sleep.
| 1 | 0 | 3 | 2024-03-10T17:28:53 | 32 |
17ppl5w
|
brackfriday_bunduru
|
I recently came into a lot of money
|
It was weird. I usually just use a tissue
| 26 | 3.258097 | 5 | 2023-11-07T08:15:16 | 18 |
ratcl4
|
Immediate-Coat-7249
|
Oh dear
|
What do you call a dear with no eyes.......no I dear
| 0 | 0 | 5 | 2021-12-07T07:12:40 | 15 |
zxgzj5
|
OB1KENOB
|
Chuck Norris went to the doctor for surgery
|
When the doctor woke up from sedation, Chuck gave him a lolly pop and wished him a good day.
| 7 | 1.94591 | 1 | 2022-12-28T18:29:45 | 31 |
12vbjlz
|
MrAmazing3001
|
My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex
|
They're his watch dogs
| 1,103 | 7.005789 | 69 | 2023-04-22T16:40:12 | 14 |
16uu0p3
|
Brooksee83
|
A dyslexic friend tried to help clean up a wine stain by using WD40
|
But it just turned into Red Red Wine.
| 1 | 0 | 6 | 2023-09-28T22:35:09 | 27 |
y14zkt
|
daroyalxflush
|
Regretting the compliment...
|
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
| 25 | 3.218876 | 1 | 2022-10-11T09:58:01 | 47 |
14jxsjm
|
KairuSmairukon
|
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "Don't touch me! I can't take the pain! I won't make it! Don't! CAN'T! WON'T!!"
|
"Hurry, driver!" I exclaimed. "Her contractions are getting closer together!!"
| 1 | 0 | 1 | 2023-06-27T00:07:00 | 60 |
1dwuj6v
|
Exotic_Compote5925
|
My superior jokes
|
- *After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.*
- *What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.*
- *I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!*
- *How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper*!
- *I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing...*
Please uppreciate - I need it.
| 1 | 0 | 1 | 2024-07-06T17:14:59 | 120 |
11vjftb
|
Animeking1108
|
Every time I introduce myself, people get mad
|
I introduced myself to my teacher, and I got suspended. I introduced myself to a pretty girl, and she told me to fuck off. I introduced myself to my neighbor, and he punched me. Maybe there's somebody else named "Yorick Hunt" with a bad reputation out there.
| 60 | 4.094345 | 13 | 2023-03-19T11:56:22 | 71 |
1eiccec
|
TheRealTengri
|
I decided to change my name
|
My legal name was Dumb Ass. Everybody teased me my whole life about it, and my parents wouldn't let me change my name, so I changed my name as soon as I became an adult.
Now, my first name is Jack.
| 72 | 4.276666 | 20 | 2024-08-02T15:03:41 | 56 |
1571y7g
|
AstroG4
|
Build a man a fire, and he’s warm for an evening.
|
Set a man on fire, and he’s warm for the rest of his life.
| 1 | 0 | 1 | 2023-07-23T01:57:54 | 31 |
1agkggv
|
Holden_place
|
My cousin, who is a chef and anagrammatist, was accidentally shipped a crate of Glisson's capsules (liver linings)
|
He made a wonderful batch of Faux Gras. He really found the silver lining.
| 1 | 0 | 3 | 2024-02-01T20:16:42 | 48 |
zskvgc
|
aidang95
|
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim
|
One night we were at the bar having a drink and I asked “Do you ever get tired of westerners saying all Chinese people look the same?”
He replied: “Kim is at the bar getting the drinks. I’m his wife.”
| 825 | 6.715383 | 117 | 2022-12-22T12:21:36 | 57 |
1cynhlh
|
Bezbozny
|
Someone once asked me what "Androgynous" meant.
|
I said it's like if a man and a woman had a baby.
| 67 | 4.204693 | 4 | 2024-05-23T08:01:05 | 28 |
rdi7aa
|
tydal-wave
|
A horse walks into a bar
|
The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
| 8 | 2.079442 | 8 | 2021-12-10T20:46:46 | 35 |
yxea6r
|
ITGeekBenB
|
Cat joke
|
What do you call a female Manx cat?
A WO-Manx. Lmao. (Womanx)
| 0 | 0 | 8 | 2022-11-17T02:44:52 | 27 |
1fatkvh
|
Loyalsupporter
|
You know I don't get why marvel doesn't use the hulk to advertise more
|
He's basically one big banner
| 40 | 3.688879 | 5 | 2024-09-06T23:47:15 | 24 |
17e5d7f
|
Pazuzuspecker
|
Why is Islam like the British weather?
|
'Cos if it's not sunny it's shite.
| 1 | 0 | 1 | 2023-10-22T22:36:36 | 20 |
1cjprq1
|
sam_matt
|
What pickup line never fails, no matter where you're from?
|
180 degrees longitude,
Trust me, it's the international date line
| 64 | 4.158883 | 51 | 2024-05-04T02:27:05 | 29 |
18s8duc
|
MafiaDaGoose
|
The two vins
|
there are 2 vins: vin diesel and vin electric
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 2023-12-27T19:06:53 | 16 |
t9djps
|
Firegoat1
|
Treating her like a dog
|
A woman walks into a bar and orders a Moscow mule. "Congratulate me, I just got divorced," the woman says. "He'll never treat me like a dog again." "What, did he hit or beat you," the bartender asks. "No," she replies. "He expected me to be faithful."
| 28 | 3.332205 | 1 | 2022-03-08T10:01:53 | 75 |
15mvxvu
|
shahooster
|
I’m making a movie about dropping the F-bomb.
|
Gonna call it Effenheimer.
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 2023-08-09T23:55:28 | 20 |
wimihj
|
ZoeInBinary
|
Desperately, the doctor attempted to extract even a drop of his life-saving vaccine from his first patient's arm...
|
...But alas, it was all in vein.
| 6 | 1.791759 | 1 | 2022-08-07T18:30:20 | 34 |
1899zqz
|
arztnur
|
A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...
|
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."
So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"
And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."
"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."
"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"
"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."
"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"
"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
| 2,838 | 7.950855 | 70 | 2023-12-02T18:36:02 | 268 |
15bk5ps
|
Tightfit30
|
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.
|
It's called a Wedding Cake.
| 1 | 0 | 149 | 2023-07-28T01:52:17 | 25 |
182fjq8
|
pash5050
|
The bear joke
|
A hunter is walking in the woods searching for the biggest bear he can find when he stumbles across a giant brown bear. He pulls out his shotgun, steadily aims, and fires at the bear. The bear seemingly falls into a nearby ditch and appears to be dead. The hunter slowly walks over to the ditch, until he feels a tap on his shoulder. The man turns around, and just as he does, the bear asks: "Did you shoot me with that shotgun?" The man replies "Yes", and the bear throws down the man and starts raping him.
In a few weeks, the hunter devises a plan for revenge on the bear. He brings his Double-barrel shotgun and is really ready to get even. He walks through the woods and sees the bear, so he steadies his aim, shoots the bear, and the bear falls into the ditch, seemingly dead. The hunter slowly walks over to the ditch, and just as he does, he feels a tap on his shoulder. When the man turns around he sees none other than the very same bear standing above him. The bear asks the man, "Did you just shoot me with that double-barrell shotgun? To this the man replies "Yes", and the bear rapes him.
After a month has passed, the man has recovered and is very eager for revenge. He brings an Elephant Tranquilizer this time and is sure he will have enough firepower to take down the bear for good. Just as before, the man is walking through the woods when he sees the very same brown bear. He steadies his aim and fires. The bear falls into the ditch, and the man slowly walks over to him. After searching for a while, the man is tapped on the shoulder once again. He turns around slowly to face the brown bear. The bear then asks him, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"
| 473 | 6.159095 | 32 | 2023-11-24T00:51:54 | 398 |
uusquq
|
SignificanceMedium38
|
I'm going to be shot out of a cannon for the circus.
|
The job doesn't pay much but it's a barrel of fun.
I get to travel with the dog faced boy; we stay in the whine cellar.
| 1 | 0 | 1 | 2022-05-21T18:15:30 | 46 |
ry22om
|
NeverLoved91
|
When the human body dies, what's the last part to die?
|
The pupils. They dilate.
Edit: so far I have 33 upvotes. That means people like this joke. So, I will say I don't deserve the credit. Scott Prop and Roll on YouTube does.
| 1,105 | 7.007601 | 47 | 2022-01-07T07:48:26 | 60 |
12ij964
|
dirtybird971
|
Inner Peace
|
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ...
| 76 | 4.330733 | 7 | 2023-04-11T13:04:59 | 125 |
185jlpg
|
Awesomeuser90
|
An ANZAC soldier arrives at the Frontline Trenches in 1917...
|
The lieutenant asks him if he came there to die.
The soldier replies: Nah mate, I got here last week.
| 207 | 5.332719 | 25 | 2023-11-28T01:13:14 | 45 |
rxf5oq
|
istheqthea
|
What do you call an old lady ghost...
|
Who only likes to haunt younger men?
A BOO-gar.
| 2 | 0.693147 | 0 | 2022-01-06T13:56:09 | 23 |
tbv48v
|
Lava_Wolf_68
|
When I went to the park today, I saw an old man sitting on a park bench crying.
|
I asked him what was wrong.
He replied, "I have a beautiful 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning, and then gets up and makes me pancakes, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I asked, "Well then, why are you crying?"
He says, "She makes my favourite lunch of soup and brownies, and then watches TV with me for the rest of the afternoon."
Confused, I ask again, "Then why are you crying?"
He goes on saying, "For dinner, she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and we go to sleep together."
Finally, I ask, "Then why in the world are you crying?"
He replies tearfully, "I can't remember where I live!"
| 29 | 3.367296 | 2 | 2022-03-11T17:25:50 | 180 |
14d24sl
|
original_don_dada
|
What’s the difference between Iron Man and iron woman?
|
One is a super hero, the other is just a simple command.
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 2023-06-19T02:31:05 | 25 |
1cxlal3
|
MistaMischief
|
I had to quit my job at the circus. It gave me anxiety.
|
It was too in tents.
| 15 | 2.70805 | 8 | 2024-05-21T22:53:32 | 23 |
15scmvt
|
mcjunker
|
Back in the day, Chicago was run by the Irish mob
|
Now, before the Italian mob took over- I'm sure you all know Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Lucky Luciano, and the like- Prohibition era Chicago was run by the Irish mob.
The Irish gangs owned Chicago outright for a solid 18 months after Prohibition went into effect, before police raids, pressure from the Italian crews, and in-fighting brought them down. And one of the most feared and hated of the Irish mob was an enforcer named Paddy Declan. Paddy was what you might call a troubleshooter- when an informant snitched, or a shopkeeper refused to pay protection money, or when smuggler's count was short, or when an enemy gang threatened their territory, Paddy went in to solve the issue with a harsh word, a pair of brass knuckles, a Tommy Gun, or (in one memorable instance) a few hand grenades. After a few months of hot work and two failed indictments for murder and racketeering, Paddy found he no longer needed to resort to extreme measures to get his way; people fell over themselves trying to make him happy.
Now, Paddy Declan liked to lean into his reputation and he developed a routine for intimidation; his trademark move was that while he talked things over with a "client", he would brazenly steal some small souvenir while they spoke. Whether he found himself in a speakeasy, or an office, or a living room, or the front end of a small shop, he'd snag something just valuable enough to be offensive but too small to die over and stick it into his pocket, right in front of the guy.
The victim knew if he protested it would end badly, Paddy knew that the other guy knew that, and the victim knew that too and didn't dare speak up. Paddy liked to rub in the fact that the strong-arming was inevitable.
But one day, this habit got the better of him. Paddy and a select few of his business associates were in a meeting with the mayor of Chicago, whose campaign they'd generously financed in return to immunity from booze raids and routine failures to convict in court. While talking business like equals, Paddy absentmindedly picked up a pretty little emerald paperweight and smiled as he stuck it in his jacket pocket. He also failed to notice the look of rage on the mayor's face and the cold note that the meeting ended on.
Once Paddy left the room, the mayor barked at the other Irish mobsters that this shit did not fly with him. He was not a candy store cashier or a speakeasy bartender to be shoved around and disrespected. He was the goddamn *mayor,* and if these fresh of the boat street rats thought they could fuck with him they were dead *wrong*. The mayor swore the the stunned and uneasy mob bosses and gunmen that he was gonna raid every goddamn bar in the goddamn city, catch every smuggler along the goddamn routes, roust every thug in the city who ever took a goddamn paycheck from them and chuck their ass in jail for a month while they find charges to bring, bribe some Poles and Swedes in prison to shank the Irish mobsters already behind bars with total immunity, *if they did not sort out Paddy Declan*.
The old school Irish gangsters liked to put on like they were a crowd of good ole boys, raising hell and having a good time, drinks all around and good fight on a Friday night, one for all and all for one and all that. But at heart they were businessmen beholden to that bottom line, and if they had to choose between their profits and Paddy, while that wasn't a choice at all, was it?
So they made their not-a-choice on the spot.
Before dawn, not even six hours after signing his own death warrant, Paddy Declan was woken up with a blackjack cracking down on face and a bag being dragged down past his eyes. Soon after, he felt himself being thrown blind into the trunk of a car.
Five hours later, he was dragged out the trunk and beaten more. He never got a chance to look around and notice that he wasn't in Chicago anymore. He was in the middle of nowhere, some barn on some cornfield just shy of St. Louis, where the gangsters liked to take their victims too important to risk having their bodies found by the police.
A proper wake and a funeral was judged to be too dangerous, you see. Somebody might mourn Paddy a little too much and the mayor might take it personally. Instead, they shot Paddy twice in the back of the head and chopped the body up into seven to eight smaller parts, then fed the pieces to the farmyard dogs. Better for all if Paddy just... vanished.
It was the first recorded case in American history of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack Give a Dog a Bone.
| 1 | 0 | 18 | 2023-08-16T02:15:38 | 1,024 |
157znnw
|
tsongkoyla
|
On the way to his office..
|
a man walks past a mental asylum surrounded by wooden walls. As he walks past, he can hear the patients chant: "16! 16! 16! 16!"
He was so curious about the chant that he tried to look for a hole on the wall to peer into. He finally found one and he peered his eye into it only to be poked by a stick. He cursed in pain and he noticed that the chanting stopped. Frustrated by this he finally walked away. After taking a few steps the patients started chanting again: "17! 17! 17! 17!"
| 1 | 0 | 2 | 2023-07-24T04:04:18 | 140 |
1fb9e1p
|
ethan_hunt_9549
|
The problem with German food
|
The problem with German food is that, no matter how much you eat,
an hour later you’re still hungry for power.
| 1 | 0 | 6 | 2024-09-07T15:22:15 | 31 |
10grf0l
|
Doom_and_glooms
|
Why did the introvert walk around the pond?
|
Because they didn't want to break the ice
| 31 | 3.433987 | 1 | 2023-01-20T08:14:34 | 19 |
udo3im
|
YZXFILE
|
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
|
She has selfie steam issues.
| 2,305 | 7.742836 | 94 | 2022-04-28T05:52:47 | 23 |
15st5to
|
DoABarrelRollStarFox
|
Sports teams are sometimes named after some of the worst things to happen in their city
|
The soccer team: The Chicago Fire was based on a horrific fire that occurred in 1871.
The Miami Hurricanes…
Colorado Avalanche…
San Jose Earthquakes…
I just felt it was too soon to name a team: The New York Jets
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 2023-08-16T15:34:18 | 67 |
smp362
|
gary6043
|
Honest witness
|
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
| 33 | 3.496508 | 3 | 2022-02-07T12:27:46 | 315 |
1ecyzc2
|
james_s_docherty
|
Conductor Sir John Eliot Gardiner has left the Monteverdi Orchestra after assaulting a singer...
|
He apologised for the incident, saying he'd been suffering from a tempo tantrum.
| 7 | 1.94591 | 1 | 2024-07-26T21:07:15 | 38 |
1abmjmi
|
LiquidSaloon
|
If having sex for money makes you a whore...
|
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
| 288 | 5.66296 | 24 | 2024-01-26T16:36:14 | 29 |
rmpbah
|
Warpmind
|
There’s a saying, if you can’t sleep, it’s because you are awake in someone else’s dream.
|
To whom it may concern, stop eating pizza before bed.
| 0 | 0 | 5 | 2021-12-23T06:33:43 | 35 |
1dlufyt
|
iamtheone2295
|
Why are the americans the best at solving rubik's cubes?
|
They have a history of seperating colors
| 80 | 4.382027 | 20 | 2024-06-22T12:20:41 | 22 |
18fzk5d
|
stud_macha
|
What do Vampires call breakup sex?
|
The final nail in the coffin.
| 21 | 3.044522 | 3 | 2023-12-11T17:15:15 | 16 |
ts7hpj
|
Shgoomba
|
The Russians need better material...
|
... because they are bombing in Ukraine.
| 0 | 0 | 1 | 2022-03-30T14:19:15 | 14 |
xyqulu
|
Chief0j
|
Cop on a horse asks if Santa gave a little girls a bike.
|
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
| 4 | 1.386294 | 3 | 2022-10-08T11:51:40 | 105 |
y7ma31
|
plateau1999
|
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
|
Because the road knows NEVER to cross Chuck Norris!!!
| 17 | 2.833213 | 1 | 2022-10-18T23:24:17 | 18 |
169kdki
|
AgilePersonality2058
|
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away" is complete BS
|
At least it does keep the mortician away. For a while.
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 2023-09-04T06:34:41 | 27 |
16lh34e
|
spinelesschild
|
In medical terms...
|
If someone dies while climaxing, is it considered dead on arrival?
| 1 | 0 | 5 | 2023-09-18T00:38:21 | 18 |
1fea13y
|
Bezbozny
|
"Really? All you want for our 1st wedding anniversary is for me for me to take the day off and spend it with you? Sure thing honey!"
|
Lois later regretted getting married in September of 2000.
| 1 | 0 | 5 | 2024-09-11T13:23:49 | 48 |
1e3nt47
|
flodge123
|
What does your daddy do?
|
So, the teacher is in the class. She is asking all the kids what their fathers do for a living.
"Baker", "Fireman", "Policeman."
She gets to Johnny. He says "nothing".
She says "Nothing?"
He says "Yeah. He died."
Teacher says "Well what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says "He turned green. Then he puked. Then he fell down."
| 547 | 6.304449 | 50 | 2024-07-15T06:22:39 | 99 |
xk7evk
|
smokedpkcs
|
A child walks into a bar.
|
The bartender trips over it
| 6 | 1.791759 | 0 | 2022-09-21T15:04:58 | 12 |
rps8sb
|
SometimesIWalk
|
A man and a deaf person are in a conversation
|
After a few minutes, they run out of things to talk about.
They stand there for a time, and then the man signs: "The conversation's gone quiet now, hasn't it?"
The deaf person then signs "How should I know?"
| 10 | 2.302585 | 2 | 2021-12-27T17:18:48 | 62 |
18sxjsc
|
idonemadeitawkward
|
Apathy Man
|
"Who are you supposed to be?" the interviewer asks a Costumed superhero.
"I'm Apathy Man. I have all the powers of Superman but absolutely no desire to use them," he replied.
"Wow, I wish you were around last week when I got mugged on the subway!"
"Yeah, I saw that."
| 16 | 2.772589 | 0 | 2023-12-28T16:13:16 | 70 |
107kien
|
crashymccrashins
|
What do the Buffalo Bills and Justin Timberlake have one common?
|
Both have performed at the super bowl 3 times and not taken home a trophy.
| 1 | 0 | 1 | 2023-01-09T17:38:35 | 30 |
1ejan5q
|
n3w57ake
|
Disappointing results for the American Olympic team in shooting
|
in spite of so much practice in schools, on the streets, and in a lot of public and private settings
| 1 | 0 | 1 | 2024-08-03T18:39:50 | 33 |
106nm9z
|
greedydita
|
"This is the biggest game of your life," my coach said.
|
Everyone was nervous, including me, and he wasn't making things easier.
He followed-up with, "Pretend like you're are going into combat."
That was it. That was the spark I needed. I waited for his back to be turned, and when it was, I snuck out of the locker room and started making my way to Canada.
| 142 | 4.955827 | 12 | 2023-01-08T16:41:20 | 86 |
1dt5sgn
|
Clock_Work44
|
"Hey, is this compulsive liars anonymous?"
|
"No."
"That's fine, I don't have a problem with that anyway."
| 15 | 2.70805 | 5 | 2024-07-01T22:18:54 | 28 |
1e5a7cs
|
dicktastic_hehe
|
Sometimes I sit on the ground, bring my knees to my forehead, and push my body forward.
|
Thats just how I roll.
| 1 | 0 | 1 | 2024-07-17T05:23:06 | 27 |
zskswz
|
yomommafool
|
instead of calling my son drew, I called him driew.
|
It's only weird if you say it backwards.
| 207 | 5.332719 | 14 | 2022-12-22T12:17:42 | 23 |
rp7vrw
|
jimmyjumpSW8
|
Why did the blind woman fall down the well?
|
Because she couldn’t see that well
| 64 | 4.158883 | 9 | 2021-12-26T22:47:42 | 17 |
zf6gov
|
CallMeNoodler
|
How do you spot the new guy at a nude beach?
|
Is super easy. You can see him coming a mile away.
| 11 | 2.397895 | 3 | 2022-12-07T16:57:02 | 25 |
1ev467p
|
willbeonekenobi
|
In less than 3 years, Russia went from the second strongest army in the world ...
|
to the second strongest in Ukraine to the 3rd strongest IN Russia.
| 769 | 6.645091 | 38 | 2024-08-18T08:10:54 | 34 |
16hwayj
|
BioletVeauregarde33
|
"Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken soup!"
|
"That's all right, sir. There are no cottages in our cottage cheese, either."
| 1 | 0 | 3 | 2023-09-13T19:27:48 | 33 |
1cj9mke
|
ryanooooo
|
Why do heterosexuals have gay thoughts?
|
They're not thinking straight.
| 110 | 4.70048 | 21 | 2024-05-03T14:09:57 | 14 |
xbmlu4
|
omega_female11
|
Meta Joke!
|
When someone asks me what is an example for bad meta joke?
Well this is the best example I can think of.
| 1 | 0 | 2 | 2022-09-11T16:16:38 | 28 |
zbnpvh
|
_dantastic
|
Did you know?
|
If you sneeze and fart at the same time, your body takes a screenshot.
| 20 | 2.995732 | 2 | 2022-12-03T19:02:36 | 22 |
108cdyj
|
greedydita
|
My dad caught me shoplifting and said, "you're taking a big risk…
|
we need the travel version."
| 9 | 2.197225 | 2 | 2023-01-10T15:22:02 | 23 |
vkjgbj
|
Travis4261
|
(OC) It wasn't enough for Amber Turd to take a shit in the bed. She also took a massive shit in the court room.
|
The judge charged her with Defecation of character.
| 0 | 0 | 0 | 2022-06-25T17:04:16 | 41 |
s4kkov
|
ICONZ-Racing
|
I question the Education System
|
I was kicked out of homeschool, just for making out with the teacher.
| 5 | 1.609438 | 0 | 2022-01-15T13:42:22 | 20 |
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