Datasets:
corbt
/
reddit_jokes

Dataset card Data Studio Files Community
1
id
large_string
author
large_string
title
large_string
selftext
large_string
score
int64
log_score
float64
num_comments
int64
created_at
timestamp[us]
num_tokens
int64
ysq7ed
ArmedPenguin47
There was once a bloke named Dave
On the way to work, Dave saw a homeless man. He felt bad and gave the homeless man $10. A friend he was walking with told him it was a bad idea because he would spend the $10 on drugs. Dave thought about this an went back to the homeless man and asked “How can I get drugs for $10 too?”
13
2.564949
0
2022-11-11T23:12:26
82
unsu58
futureformerteacher
Did you hear about the pigeons at the Kremlin?
They keep saying "coup.... coup".
4
1.386294
2
2022-05-12T04:34:29
20
y4xsyz
GG14916
The Monkees visit a bar every Tuesday...
Each time they visit, they never finish their drinks, leaving them for the waiter to tidy up. One night, the waiter approaches Micky Dolenz: "Excuse me sir, you waste $30 on drinks every Tuesday that just get thrown down the drain. Why do you do it?" Micky turns to the waiter and smiles. "Haven't you heard? I'm a beer leaver."
12
2.484907
19
2022-10-15T20:29:15
92
15nm1xb
NotSoPerfectDad
I like my wife, the way I like my Tetley Tea.
In a bag, full submerged in water.
1
0
2
2023-08-10T19:35:57
23
wi60he
Thick_Opposite_3693
What's Rihanna's favorite utensil ?
WOK WOK WOK WOK WOK WOK He said me haffi WOK WOK WOK WOK WOK WOK
0
0
3
2022-08-07T03:35:05
39
189s9t8
jmooremcc
A Catholic Southern Belle is running late for church
As she reaches the entrance at the top of the steps, she asks a man standing there, “Is Mass out?” The man looks at her for a moment and says, “No, but your hat’s on crooked.”
34
3.526361
2
2023-12-03T12:11:25
56
115rmok
Vills15
Ghosts are terrible liars.
You can see right through them.
19
2.944439
2
2023-02-18T21:12:38
14
rmv4el
Gurthang99
Mermaids
What do Mermaids use to clean their fins? Tide
6
1.791759
1
2021-12-23T12:56:28
14
1b5q3vm
Jokeminder42
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a guy on a Harley?
With the vacuum cleaner, the dirt bag is on the inside.
58
4.060443
14
2024-03-03T19:49:26
30
1fyff4m
sketchbreaker
I couldn't figure out what to wear to the premature ejaculation anonymous meeting
So I just came in my pants
804
6.689599
65
2024-10-07T18:53:15
21
zf5n6i
YZXFILE
Getting divorced just because you don't love a woman is almost as silly
as getting married just because you do.
13
2.564949
10
2022-12-07T16:29:18
23
1cq3r3n
NoPerspective3192
I had a wooden car
Wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats. Just had one problem?
1
0
1
2024-05-12T09:10:17
19
w760pe
LemonZeppelin27
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?” St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.” The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.” The couple then asks “What about a divorce?” St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”
1,234
7.118016
24
2022-07-24T21:09:23
118
14itude
dhkendall
The teacher asked little Johnny if he could write a song using the words “analyze” and “anatomy”
This was Johnny’s response: My analyze over the ocean My analyze over the sea My analyze over the ocean Oh bring back my anatomy!
1,642
7.40367
60
2023-06-25T18:47:54
53
14t7vcj
Odd_Education_5337
Yo mamma so nasty
She brings crabs to the beach. Then she puts ice in her panties to keep them fresh. Those crabs try to use her tampon string as an escape rope. I tried calling her to see if she was OK and my ear got an STD. All I was able to understand was she put a cucumber inside her and it was a pickle when she pulled it out.
1
0
0
2023-07-07T13:50:06
80
rwc3go
ImASpriteCranberry
Why do all vegetables sink when thrown in water?
The wheelchair weighs them down
376
5.929589
20
2022-01-05T02:49:13
15
10m9tvn
jffleisc
Billy was the chemist’s son, but Billy is no more.
What Billy thought was H2O was H2SO4.
0
0
3
2023-01-27T02:34:53
27
18k5x7t
porichoygupto
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint.
He’s now high on the list of people I would never want to talk to again.
1,116
7.017506
55
2023-12-17T01:26:57
46
vcu0qy
L_James
French Navy can defeat any anime villain
They can just use the Power of French Ship
13
2.564949
0
2022-06-15T13:02:14
16
1ftwn21
Kreanxx
What do gynecologists and cats have in common?
They know their way around boxes
1
0
0
2024-10-01T19:23:52
18
ua6p9d
thegreendutch
Did you hear about the monk who had a huge gambling addiction?
​ He left Tibet
2
0.693147
2
2022-04-23T14:31:42
26
s287t1
Nazamroth
My doctor insists that I should reduce my ground beef consumption.
So be it, sea cows it is then.
8
2.079442
6
2022-01-12T14:58:25
22
t01orn
kshanil90
A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all… So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs. The minister said, "I served you loyally 10 years and you do this..? The king was unrelenting. Minister pleaded"Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs" The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days… The guard was baffled… But he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them. So when the 10 days were up… The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced . When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw.. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister..licking his feet. The king was baffled at what he saw. ” what happened to the dogs? !!!” He growled. The minister then said;” I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service… Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”… The king realised his mistake and Replaced the dogs with crocodiles !!
9,196
9.126524
214
2022-02-24T04:24:23
341
15vicbt
ujustgotjammed
What did Kylian Mbappe say to the Saudis after they offered him a $1B contract?
I don’t think I’ll beheading there
1
0
0
2023-08-19T14:53:26
29
15w5k0x
crufter
Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow
Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow on the Red Square. The KGB immediately starts an investigation, the results are in the next day: \- Comrade Brezhnev, be strong. Our doctors confirmed the urine belongs to comrade Gromiko. Brezhnev defeatedly leans back in his chair. \- Leonid Ilyich, be strong. There is worse. Our graphologists identified that the handwriting belongs to your wife.
1
0
21
2023-08-20T08:15:21
114
u46v7y
amor_fati99
A German, a Belgian, and a Dutchman all claim to be thr next coming of Jesus
erman, a Belgian, and a Dutchman all claim to be Jesus, and decide to settle who is speaking the truth by proving their claim. First the German tries to prove it by walking across the mighty German river, the Rhine. However he falls in and gets completely soaked, and admits he must not be the real Jesus. The Belgian then claims to he able to feed the whole city of Brussels with just seven Belgian waffles. Howver after running out after only feeding only a few people, he admits he must also not be the real Jesus. The Dutchman then tells the Belgian and the German to get into his car, and he drives them to Amerdam's red light district. When he sees a group of prostitutes, he rolls down his window and the prostitutes yell " Jesus! You're here, again?!"
42
3.73767
1
2022-04-15T12:23:30
187
1h8guuo
StarsBear75063
Did you hear about the comedian who was famous for his non-sequitur jokes?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.
1
0
1
2024-12-07T01:05:48
30
13fz66n
d_awkward_boner
Why do most Hyundai drivers get into accidents?
cause they have bad Hyundai coordination
3
1.098612
0
2023-05-12T22:29:19
15
rffzw3
schafna
Someone stole all the toilets from my local police station.
The police have nothing to go on.
6
1.791759
4
2021-12-13T13:42:10
19
1e9x37c
CarlosDoesTheWorld
I'm so thankful for my air fryer. For letting me cook a delicious and crispy entree
One third at a time.
12
2.484907
6
2024-07-23T02:48:56
27
x9v58e
rvtsazap
Suspicious loss
An outpouring of love at the loss of the Queen of England. But, over a dozen countries including Canada, Australia and New Zealand lost their heads of state yesterday and nobody even bats an eye. This is extremely suspicious.
7
1.94591
3
2022-09-09T13:10:30
49
1d111h6
no_bon3s_about_it
When the person who invented the USB drive dies, they’ll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way, and have to do it again…
...then they’ll realize they had it right the first time.
809
6.695799
59
2024-05-26T13:10:40
48
u15vcb
Danhydrous
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
12
2.484907
6
2022-04-11T11:47:56
22
1cw5aqw
CompetitiveDig1329
I have a joke...
but I don't think I can make you laugh because people rated it 9 out of 11.
1
0
1
2024-05-20T02:45:02
27
1d3jmng
___HeyGFY___
The Plan
In the beginning, there was a plan, And then came the assumptions, And the assumptions were without form, And the plan without substance. And the darkness was upon the face of the workers, And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks." And the workers went unto their supervisors, saying, "It is a pile of dung, and we cannot live with the smell." And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the managers went unto their directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength." And the directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plants growth, and it is very strong." And the directors went to the vice presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." And the vice presidents went to the president, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects." And the president looked upon the plan, And saw that it was good, And the plan became policy. And this, my friends, is how shit happens.
251
5.525453
23
2024-05-29T18:46:33
267
1b908ui
Lower_Reporter2405
The successful son
Four friends reunited after 30 years after finishing school. While one went to use the restroom, the other three began boasting about their son’s achievements. The first friend said “My son is an economist and a banker. He is so wealthy he gifted his best friend a Ferrari”. The second friend shared “My son is a pilot who started his own airline. He is so wealthy he gifted his best friend a jet”. The third friend bagged “My son is an engineer with his own company. He is so wealthy he built his best friend a castle”. When the fourth friend came back and asked what they were discussing, they explained they were talking about their son’s success. They asked about his son expecting a similar sort of wealth and success. The fourth friend replied “My son is Gay and dances in a Gay Bar”. The others felt sorry for him thinking he would be disappointed. But the fourth friend smiled “Actually he is doing great. For his birthday last week, he got a Ferrari, a Jet and a Castle from his boyfriends”.
1
0
1
2024-03-07T17:26:46
218
198w174
Deadly_R
Why do people lie to live by the ocean?
That way they're surrounded by idiots only on 3 sides
1
0
0
2024-01-17T13:01:40
22
15nxbwq
SirXanthor
Something to Give Ukraine a smile.
I rededicate this joke to the Ukraine Soldiers. . Russian soldiers are marching into Ukraine to snuff out the Ukraine resistance fighters. As they march into Ukraine, a voice shouts over the hill to the commander "One Ukraine soldier is better than 10 Russian Z soldiers!" The commander gets irked, and sends 10 of his best men. Moments later, a few shots ring out, then total silence. Before the Russian commander can figure out what just happened to his soldiers, a single voice rings out"One Ukraine soldier is better than 100 Russian Z Soldiers!!" The commander is pissed, but decides he better not make the same mistake twice,, and sends 1000 of his best Russian Z Soldiers over the hill. Guns g off ringing out for half a minute, then nothing! Not a single Russian Z Soldier returns. The Russian commander knows if Putin finds out, he'll be cleaning toilets till he's 100, so plans ahead the next time. Not long after, the same voice as before shouts over the hill "One Ukraine soldier is better than 10,000 Russian Z Soldiers!!' This time, the Russian commander doesn't take any chances and sends over 100,000 of the best of his Russian Z Soldiers, knowing he'll win this battle at least! Shots, Explosions, fireballs rain down from over the hill, sparks smouldering the ground all around the commander. The battle over the hill ends, and again not a word is Heard. Suddenly a group of Paramedics carry over the only lone surviver who is barely recognizable, who tells the commander with his last dying breath "Don't send any more men, it's a trap!!! There's not one Ukraine soldier, there is two of them!!!"
1
0
0
2023-08-11T03:22:48
376
1688vr0
Drah_Pacid
I am cursed with coming up with dark jokes but I can't people being mad at me for them
Jimmy Buffett died as he lived. Looking for his lost shaker of salt. Rip
1
0
0
2023-09-02T17:48:17
37
xk1x8y
LadeeAlana
One woman said to another, "Do you smoke after you make love?"
"I don't know. I've never looked."
34
3.526361
5
2022-09-21T11:11:11
26
14lxi3w
Blastwing
Yoda walks into a bar
As he enters, Bugs Bunny walks up to him and says, “I heard that you have many great abilities but you can’t top my hearing skills.” Yoda replies, “accepted challenge.” “Haha you are going to lose old man. So here is the bet. We have 5 drinks here on the table: water, beer, orange juice, coke and whiskey. Whoever can correctly guess what each other is drinking while blindfolded is the winner. You can only get clues by listening to how the other is drinking. You drink first.” Bugs Bunny walks to the other side of the table and puts on a blind fold. Yoda chooses the beer and starts to drink it very quickly. Bugs Bunny thinks “hmm, he’s drinking fast so it must taste very sweet.” He then guesses “you are drinking an orange juice!” Yoda replies “wrong you are.” Bugs Bunny takes the blind fold off, becomes annoyed and says “you tricked me! Argh.. I won’t let you guess mine that easily!” Yoda then puts on the blind fold. Bugs Bunny then chooses water and drinks it very slowly for few seconds then drinks it quickly for few seconds, then goes back to drinking very slowly and repeats this over and over. He puts on a smirk and thinks “He will never guess what I am drinking.” After Bugs Bunny finishes his drink, he asks “Well, do you have any idea what I was drinking?” Yoda replies “What are you drinking.”
1
0
3
2023-06-29T06:40:52
338
1c5wlp1
EggYakult
Do you know why good humor beats good looks?
The more those girls laugh; the less their eyes open
10
2.302585
2
2024-04-17T00:52:30
21
16vzj8p
DriedUpSquid
Two strangers are drinking beer in a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper.
The one man tells the other that the winds are so strong that if he jumped off the balcony he would be blown back into the bar unharmed. “That’s bullshit” said the other man. “Watch this”. The first man jumps off the balcony. While everyone watched in amazement, he slowly glided back onto the balcony and returned to his seat. The other man can’t believe his eyes. He slams down his drink, gets a running start, jumps off the balcony and falls 100 floors to his death. The bartender says, “You’re a real asshole when you’re drunk, Superman”.
1
0
32
2023-09-30T06:28:36
149
xsgj02
Carmesean
Have you ever been hit by a rental car before?
Nah but I’ve heard it Hertz
8
2.079442
4
2022-09-30T23:57:09
19
199fam6
Sea_bare
Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day
Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost it a lifetime.
253
5.533389
27
2024-01-18T02:36:19
26
upiv8y
poojabber84
my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!
The entire situation was just two in tents.
151
5.01728
17
2022-05-14T14:52:34
39
12lneur
philosobae
Why can’t an Asian couple have a Caucasian baby?
Because two Wongs don’t make a white.
3
1.098612
4
2023-04-14T06:53:35
21
yy6cj5
completeditmate18
And old gift
My dad gave us a little globe when I was kid for my room because I really enjoyed geography, we recently had to move out , when we moved out we got all of our stuff from our old house to the new house. When we was unpacking we realised we had forgotten the globe.. we never got it back, the new owners said they sold it, we missed our globe…. It meant the world to us :)
0
0
1
2022-11-18T00:31:12
89
1bb1gb5
Risperdali
A. Knock knock.
B. Who's there? A. Well this is awkward, I expected you to be out of the house and was planning on robbing the place...
1
0
4
2024-03-10T04:23:33
36
1git6ly
esquiresque
Man goes to the doctor and says "I think I'm a Russian Doll"
"What makes you think that? Asks the doc "My wife keeps telling me I'm full of myself"
196
5.278115
6
2024-11-03T18:11:18
39
1fyfjo0
GamingCatGuy
My essay about the movie "Fight Club"
First rule of the Fight Club: Don’t talk about the Fight Club.
1
0
3
2024-10-07T18:58:39
24
xb4yb4
erazedcitizen
Apparently my great-grandpa was a controversial figure when he served in WWII
Which is weird, I thought he’d be praised more considering my family tells me he killed Hitler
18
2.890372
8
2022-09-11T00:51:40
33
14inljc
PopeyeTheGambler
Recession has got so bad , I have a friend who used to live in a spare tyre ….
Then he got a puncture, now he lives in a flat
161
5.081404
21
2023-06-25T14:26:05
33
1clpcp3
stooftheoof
There’s a new airline that specializes in cheap, short trips across state borders to buy marijuana
It’s flying on a budjet
57
4.043051
7
2024-05-06T17:50:24
25
ykuyka
Prostheta
Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.
Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash. Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?" Man respond, "I check obituary" "But obituary not on front page. Is on back page" "Putin obituary be on front page"
13,414
9.504054
410
2022-11-03T07:09:16
90
1b0tqwd
Time-Classroom-2442
I was pulled over by a police officer for overspeeding
He looked at my license and said "you're supposed to be wearing glasses". I said I have contacts. He said he didn't care who I know
96
4.564348
14
2024-02-26T21:43:58
43
1ekira5
Gods_FavouriteChild
What's the difference between your Job and your Wife?
Your Job still sucks for 5 years
1
0
8
2024-08-05T08:36:59
19
16s28t0
dolly3900
What's the difference between a whisk and Eddie Jones' Team?
A whisk can beat an egg whereas Eddie's team can't beat anything at the moment.
1
0
4
2023-09-25T20:01:16
31
ybpicn
AfganPearlDiver
There was this kid who got in trouble for talking so much that his teacher sent him the principal's office. The principal asked him for his parents' phone number shortly after his mom came to the school. After talking to the principal she turned to her kid and asked him, "Do you....
"Do you understand why I had to come all the way down here and what you did wrong!?" The kid said "Yes mam. Sorry mam." Then she asked him, "And what exactly is it that you're sorry for, Sonny?" To which he replied, "I gave that man your phone number."
1
0
3
2022-10-23T18:43:43
126
1ezgsyv
Awesomeuser90
What was the difference between 1945 and 1672 in the Netherlands?
While being invaded and while undergoing a famine, the Dutch in 1945 didn't eat their prime minister.
1
0
0
2024-08-23T16:15:29
44
17nndkh
Halilcan2
What does a pig say after being potty trained?
What the hell are we going to eat now?
1
0
6
2023-11-04T14:56:36
21
sxkzom
ImASpriteCranberry
I remember this one time in high school I pulled out my MP3 player and people started making fun off me for not having a smart phone
At least the quiet kid was there with a MP5
9
2.197225
2
2022-02-21T04:53:53
39
15w2xxh
winslowlee1980
I was at a public pool earlier today
I really had to pee so I went down to the deep end and started... The lifeguard blew the whistle so loud I almost fell in
1
0
1
2023-08-20T05:51:12
36
1hpmxy0
FrankPankNortTort
Three guys are working a construction job.
Bob, Jeff and Phillip. It's getting close to home time and the three have a problem still, they don't know how to screw this bracket onto the wall. One way it might hit a wire, another way it might hit a water pipe, a real conundrum. Jeff scratches his head but doesn't have a solution, Bob's the new guy on the job so he doesn't have a clue either, Phillip is the most experienced and even he doesn't know what to do, but he always gets it sorted out eventually, he's a problem solver. What he usually does is he goes for a toilet break and while he sits there he thinks. "Alright lads." says Phillip like he always says, "Im off for a piss, don't do anything till I come back, boys." And puts his screw driver back in the tool box. Jeff says to Bob, the new guy. "He always does this, he'll be on there for at least an hour, but he always comes back with a solution, old Phil." Bob hears this and looks at the clock. It's nearly home time, he wants to get home for supper, he's not sticking around for another hour. He looks at the bracket, looks at the wall and decides to have a bash at it, he picks up the screw driver from the toolbox and suddenly Jeff goes: "Oi! Don't touch that put it down!" And slaps Bob in the face. "Ouch why'd you do that then?!" Yells Bob. "That's Phillip's screwdriver."
1
0
1
2024-12-30T13:12:47
331
z6jcaz
crapforbrains553
A man is mad at God cuz his wife died. He busts into a church and yells where is God I'm gonna stab him.
Preacher says, God is in your heart
17
2.833213
3
2022-11-28T01:44:54
38
1e3fe71
gabeasourousrex
Plan A and plan B are different.
But an a-hole and a b-hole are the same thing…
1
0
0
2024-07-14T22:54:36
21
17ctcla
milliamu
Mrs Smith goes to the butcher, 'what's on sale' she says. 'Bloody steak' replies the butcher. 'How dare you' remarks Mrs Smith 'such foul language and in front of a lady as well'. 'No no madam' says the butcher, 'that's just what it's called'. So Mrs Smith buys some bloody steak and takes it home.
Mrs Smith goes to the butcher, 'what's on sale' she says. 'Bloody steak' replies the butcher. 'How dare you' remarks Mrs Smith 'such foul language and in front of a lady as well'. 'No no madam' says the butcher, 'that's just what it's called'. So Mrs Smith buys some bloody steak and takes it home. Later that evening Mr. Smith returned home from work he asked his wife what was for dinner 'bloody steak' she replied 'how dare you woman' says Mr smith 'you don't usually use that language' and she says 'no no dear, that's just what the butcher calls it' As dinner is being served little Timmy walks in just in time to hear his father say 'pass the bloody steak' a little shocked but delighted by the turn his usually strict parents have takenTimmy responds ' that's more like it pop, and don't forget the fucking sauce'
1
0
1
2023-10-21T03:27:18
271
1dlffv2
tatterdermalion
The Hermit Party
A man moves to a cabin in the woods, where he hears his nearest neighbor is a recluse and very quiet. He never hears or sees the hermit until one day the Hermit shows up at his door. Hermit: Inviting you to a party at my place this Friday. Neighbor: Well, that's great! Hermit: Gotta warn ya, thars gonna be some drinkin'. Neighbor: Not a problem, I'll be there. Hermit: An thars gonna be some fightin.' Neighbor: Yeah well, that happens sometimes. Hermit: An thars gonna be some sex. Neighbor: Wow sounds like a happening time! How many are coming? Hermit: Jes you 'n' me.
3
1.098612
2
2024-06-21T21:40:08
165
spa333
starfyredragon
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife. They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side. Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than feather-wait, you may enter paradise." The Christian takes out his heart from his soul, and sets it on the scales. He stares at Anubis defiantly, "I should pass, I made sure to do what FOX news told me every day." They tip heavily to the side, and Anubis waves his hand. The Christian's soul disintegrates instantly. The Muslim takes out his heart from his soul, and sets it on the scales. He looks timidly at Anubis, "I did my best to live a good life, I always gave to the poor..." Although not as heavy as the Christian's heart, it was weighed down by life. Anubis sadly waved his hand, and the Muslim's soul disintegrated instantly. The Witch then looked at the scales, looked at the plaque, and checked her watch. About three minutes went by, and Anubis was getting annoyed at her taking too long, and started tapping his foot. She then looks at Anubis and asks, "Has that feather been here long?" Anubis nods, "Yes, left by the god Maat, millennia ago." She nods, "And how long ago did we arrive here?" Anubis thinks for a moment, "Maybe six minutes?" The witch smiles, and then strides confidently forward, and enters paradise. Anubis sighs, "At least Witches know how to spell."
14,950
9.612467
646
2022-02-10T16:08:30
384
uhseln
Tonlick
So I was on a date with this girl named Amber
I was on a date with this girl named Amber. She went to the bathroom and never came back...So I called the police and said...I would like to file an amber alert. Please be on the lookout for my date amber. They then told me that they do not do that here.
0
0
4
2022-05-03T22:57:05
71
wlemki
Chance-Sun-9103
Why is Greek food so filling?
Because once you eat it, it's always Sparta you.
3
1.098612
3
2022-08-11T01:26:51
20
18htqi9
WinHL3
John and Jack are walking down a street one day, when they suddenly spot a pile of what looks like dog crap on the road in front of them.
John: Check it out, that looks like crap Jack: I agree, it DOES look like crap ​ John then kneels down in front of it and sniffs it. Jack does the same John: It certainly smells like crap Jack: Yes it does ​ Still curious, they both reach out and stick a finger into it. John: It definitely feels like crap. Jack: Yes it does. ​ They then each stick their fingers in their mouths. John: Tastes like crap, too. Jack: Yes, it does. John: Well, as it looks, smells, feels and tastes like crap, I think we can definitely conclude it's crap. Jack: 100% agreed, lucky we didn't step on it.
156
5.049856
16
2023-12-13T22:56:00
204
z4b7d9
MinFootspace
"Honey, do you remember this morning when I ran all over the place because I was so happy I found my keys again?"
"Erm yeah, was hard to miss, why?" "... any idea where I could have put them afterwards?"
6
1.791759
1
2022-11-25T11:32:29
49
1crzrhl
Farukzzz
1847 Stork vs Texas War
A angry crowd gather in Texas downtown. They had only one thing in mind together which is "push back stork immigration". 17 may 1847, A few Texans got together and took action against the storks. They scattered their nests and seized three stork chicks. The next day, when they repeated the same action, the storks had wisened up. They had relocated their nests and pushed their young to the back. It seemed like a surprise counterattack was the only solution. They were hurling tiny pebbles, each about an inch in size, from a height of 1000 meters, down from the sky like kamikaze. After killing and injuring 100 people, national army had to intervene.
1
0
3
2024-05-14T18:45:27
167
1e8kt9e
astoneworthskipping
Why did the dreidel have to stop spinning?
Because it had shin splints.
2
0.693147
7
2024-07-21T12:05:54
17
1g6yj3j
fluffykerfuffle3
I just heard that the Pope says it okay, now, to kiss a nun..
..as long as you do not get into the habit.
893
6.794587
56
2024-10-19T01:56:32
29
1fhfrz7
Important_Dentist_78
I know a half Korean old man
His dad was Korean. His mom was also Korean. His grandfather and grandmother were Korean. However, his both legs were amputated due to cancer
1
0
11
2024-09-15T15:54:15
37
scp170
tobias_drundridge
A new supermarket opened near my house.
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread & cookies. I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.
123
4.812184
5
2022-01-25T21:57:06
149
zg9ek1
porichoygupto
My brother is an immigration officer. He and I disagree on almost every topic…
…But he usually sees where I’m coming from.
13
2.564949
2
2022-12-08T19:49:53
27
1agp9lm
GreenHorror4252
Millennials teaching other generations how to use computers
1995: "Mom, let me show you how to type a report on the computer. It's easier than using pen and paper." 2024: "Kid, let me show you how to type a report on the computer. It's easier than using your phone."
488
6.190315
68
2024-02-01T23:39:14
70
tp43to
Weird_Exposed
What did the duck say to his drug dealer?
Can I have some quack?
31
3.433987
8
2022-03-26T21:04:47
17
tw0r62
AllanfromWales1
R/Science these days..
"Study shows that the tops of tall buildings are further from the ground than the tops of shorter buildings."
2
0.693147
2
2022-04-04T12:25:49
27
ri5r6u
jflipside
Doctor..
I WENT to the doctor the other day and asked him, “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite..
6
1.791759
0
2021-12-17T01:37:00
29
1cj5hzu
Chroma_Therapy
Why is the shoe artisan trying to look for more jobs?
cause he can't keep living on a sole income.
7
1.94591
5
2024-05-03T10:40:33
23
1dz48rn
ThirstMutilat0r
Two old men were talking
Both forgot what they were talking about. The first old man sat quietly, trying to remember what he was going to say. The second one decided to just say *something*, and blathered loudly and nonsensically about memories he had that everyone knows did not actually happen. For the next several weeks, the news ran a story about how the quiet man was acting strangely.
1
0
0
2024-07-09T14:47:09
85
18hfnka
iamjamieq
Why did the phlebotomist proofread their paperwork?
To make sure it was typo negative.
13
2.564949
2
2023-12-13T12:24:31
21
yw76p9
heyandy1
I used to play violin in a string quartet. Sadly one of our musicians was on drugs.
So we've had to ban Jo.
10
2.302585
3
2022-11-15T19:33:13
28
xgp7ig
Natomiast
Grandma is showing her grandson the old picture of grandfather, where he is saluting Adolf Hitler.
\- Why is grandpa raising the hand? \- He was shouting "whoa, whoa, you bad person"
0
0
1
2022-09-17T15:18:44
45
10wi14q
NationYell
What is Boorillium on the periodic table known for?
It's the element of surprise!
2
0.693147
2
2023-02-08T00:25:33
20
11bxtj3
Elegant-Surprise-417
I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back
He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.
689
6.535241
19
2023-02-25T22:32:45
28
16b5a4l
Sir_E_L_Bawks
Yo mama so fat I got her a Salt Life decal.
After all, she eats McDonald's five times a day.
1
0
0
2023-09-06T00:23:39
25
18r8xpc
porichoygupto
My wife asked me, “Do you hate all Christmas movies?”
Me: No. I love Love Actually actually.
1
0
8
2023-12-26T14:11:42
23
ym0rc1
dickcheney600
I accidentally connected the drill to 220v instead of 110v.
When the fire alarm sounded, it was not a drill. Or was it?
4
1.386294
1
2022-11-04T14:39:08
35
117333x
[deleted]
“What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"Ask a glass of water!" ― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
4
1.386294
2
2023-02-20T10:09:41
28
tx42ag
Wallygonk
My wife came home from her night out with the girls, looked at me and said...
'Take off my dress'. So I did. Then she said 'Now take off my bra'. So I did. Then she said 'Now take off my panties'. So I did. Then she said 'and if I EVER catch you wearing my clothes again I'm divorcing you'.
113
4.727388
8
2022-04-05T20:19:05
76
1gb38h0
JohnLandisHasGotToGo
I just saw a vanity license plate that said 'MMMIII'
It took me a minute to figure it out, but once I did, I felt like such a boob.
1
0
5
2024-10-24T13:57:08
35
1b39zwi
CarmaHoor
I thought I was a calculator or at least an abacus, but it turns out I'm just fingers...
Still, everyone's counting on me.
76
4.330733
12
2024-02-29T20:11:48
30
ugxgll
Wasingtheisofwas
A man was pushed into a vat of boiling dip at the Sabra factory. He died from the burns.
It was the first recorded case of Hummucide.
1
0
1
2022-05-02T19:23:46
34
z60vj3
RibaldPancake
At dinner yesterday evening, the dog was looking up at me trying to mooch for food.
​ She said, "You're really a great cook! I love the fresh foods you pick, and the seasoning is amazing!" I glared down at her and said, "Nice try, but after you ate that deer poop in the yard this afternoon your opinions on food quality don't carry much weight around here."
8
2.079442
1
2022-11-27T13:10:28
93
1b8r5lg
andogzxc
Dogs
Let’s talk about crossbreeds of dogs…
1
0
1
2024-03-07T10:12:58
12