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the experience of a lifetime: beyoncé brought a lucky fan down into the sewer and let them sing ‘you’re a grand old flag’
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day chalked up as loss by 10:15 a.m.
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news: body positivity fail: these before and after photos clearly show that magazines have been airbrushing kate upton’s confederate flag birthmark for years
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penny not so lucky for tortured soul of lincoln trapped inside
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u.s. advises allies not to border russia
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area man doesn't look jewish
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hypochondriac maple tree always convinced it has asian longhorn beetles
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woman speaks for record-breaking 8 hours without being interrupted by man
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earthquake kills 54 rescue workers' weekend plans
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latest department of interior river count comes up one short
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scientists working to harness energy produced by intense fracking debates
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family's euphemism for genitals really weird
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clif bar introduces new savory clif loaf
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church sign vandalized by satan
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area man really banking on unconditional love doing most of heavy lifting for mother's day bouquet
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u.s. loses u.n. membership after embarrassing video of nation surfaces on internet
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tape dispensed
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boy scouts celebrate proud history of preparing teens for not having cool friends
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chase ceo giving commencement speech pledges to double whole class’s student loan debt
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shameful: barack obama skipped my father’s funeral to go golfing
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late night host eviscerates journalism industry for existing even though his show already does
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ditch the personal trainer: 5 pretty bad stretches you can do at home
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old lady at parade flapping little american flag like a motherfucker
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old faithful brutally beaten to death by group of teens
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wife kept up all night by kevin garnett talking trash in sleep
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area sorority girl concerned about war and stuff
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‘my goal is to become so great at snowboarding that christopher meloni is referred to as the chloe kim of acting’: 5 questions with chloe kim
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7 of hillary’s stances that could come back to haunt her
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controversial theory suggests aliens may have built ancient egypt's intergalactic spaceport
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mike pence visits small town hit hard by kids seeing r-rated movies
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museum staff braces for large group wearing same t-shirt
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biggest guy in prison tired of every new inmate beating shit out of him on their first day
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white house denied third mortgage
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woman who has been let down by so many leave-in conditioners can't bear to put herself out there again
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'the voice' amends rules to allow votes from those who aren't white landowning males
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police report: sexual assault numbers under control, unless you count the super brutal ones
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nation’s parents announce they have zero fucking patience for this bullshit
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activists petition cupcake kingdom to address adorable housing crisis
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chloe kim recalls growing up under parents' intense pressure to just chillax and shred the gnar gnar
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5 things to know about ‘shazam’
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life: 8 ways to make your mom’s birthday party at great clips as magical as possible
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dad not going to pay someone to fix marriage when he can do it himself
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man hates it when trailer gives away entire premise of movie
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first kid to wake up at slumber party gets exclusive look at friend’s mom’s morning routine
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trump: ‘i remember flying the plane that bombed the uss arizona during pearl harbor’
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meredith vieira's today show debut marked by uncomfortable hour-long silence
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many native americans still hold traditional beliefs about white man
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bill gates finally getting into radiohead's kid a
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news: internet ftw: someone photoshopped a gazelle next to donald trump, and it’s going viral under the assumption that it takes him down in some way
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pence relaxes onstage by imagining entire debate audience burning in hell
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either someone 14th caller or everything on fire at spanish radio station
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they said what?!: find out what tim cook, tobey maguire, and wolfgang puck have to say
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‘hey you, want to be a federal judge?’ says mitch mcconnell pointing to valet in heritage foundation parking lot
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cat who seems a little grumpy today dying of esophageal cancer
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pigeon feels silly about still being a little scared of plastic owl
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newly released female iraqi prisoners offered playboy spread
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moderator sternly issues final warning for tim kaine to stop playing with microphone
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nation's sleep experts recommend cutting down on strobe light before bedtime
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new wheelchair has that 'new wheelchair' smell
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nation's prospective college applicants go straight to princeton review's 'best college radio station' rankings
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demoted cop unsure why desk job considered punishment
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this amazing new product called ‘monocle glue’ ensures your monocle won’t go flying off your face when your daughter tells you she’s marrying a commoner
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storybook romance leads to in-flight-magazine marriage
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elderly woman applying makeup most heartbreaking thing on earth
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life: ah, fuck: these waterfalls are 100 percent beef
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school surprised to learn student committed suicide over pressures of intro to communications
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5 times harry potter used an unplugged 6-outlet power strip as a wand and mumbled ‘louie anderson’ instead of a spell, ranked by how fucked up the results were
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chuck grassley voted against mlk day due to foreseeing how everyone would dishonor king's memory
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bp ceo: 'we deeply regret the tragic loss of $4.5 billion'
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man hates being put in position where he has to think, feel, or act
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new law requires women to name baby, paint nursery before getting abortion
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china slaughters population to control flu outbreak
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life: fuck it: let’s rank the religions
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bunch of people apparently saw that brendan fraser mummy movie
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captor, captive have different senses of humor
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world hunger: can new frito-lay zestitos solve the problem?
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distraught mueller burns every piece of evidence in case after hearing trump's critique of u.s. intelligence community
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the onion’s legal analysts have completed their official count of how many pages are in the mueller report
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macaulay culkin hoping some 'funny or die' writer comes up with video idea for him
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trump claims waterboarding doesn't come close to the excruciating torment he experiences at every moment
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historical archives: a jest for you
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tina yothers fantasy camp files for bankruptcy
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ex-girlfriend's last electric-bill check remains uncashed in area man's wallet
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heartbreaking: this buck-toothed gorilla is too dumb-looking to ever scare poachers away from his children
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frustrated writer tosses another crumpled-up laptop in trash can
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the gay rights movement in america: a timeline
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news: hope for the gop: a nude paul ryan has just emerged from an ayahuasca tent with visions of a new republican party
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medical mystery: this woman has seen dozens of doctors and none of them can tell her why she feels totally fine right now
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news: major threat: the jeans from ‘the sisterhood of the traveling pants’ have been intercepted by isis
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life: her final christmas? grandma’s looking pretty checked out this year
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high school student, teacher applying for same summer waitressing job
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advertiser reaches out to youth with off-set, mixed-typography font
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hillary clinton waiting in wings of stage since 6 a.m. for dnc speech
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trump vows to bring back ohio town's white castle
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man in break room can still hear time clock ticking loudly
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life unfair
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bush to lovely chilean ambassador:'i must paint you'
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notre dame scandalized after booster caught offering plenary indulgences
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man competitive about how depressed he is
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castro leaves hospital two years younger, four inches taller
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