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the experience of a lifetime: beyoncé brought a lucky fan down into the sewer and let them sing ‘you’re a grand old flag’
day chalked up as loss by 10:15 a.m.
news: body positivity fail: these before and after photos clearly show that magazines have been airbrushing kate upton’s confederate flag birthmark for years
penny not so lucky for tortured soul of lincoln trapped inside
u.s. advises allies not to border russia
area man doesn't look jewish
hypochondriac maple tree always convinced it has asian longhorn beetles
woman speaks for record-breaking 8 hours without being interrupted by man
earthquake kills 54 rescue workers' weekend plans
latest department of interior river count comes up one short
scientists working to harness energy produced by intense fracking debates
family's euphemism for genitals really weird
clif bar introduces new savory clif loaf
church sign vandalized by satan
area man really banking on unconditional love doing most of heavy lifting for mother's day bouquet
u.s. loses u.n. membership after embarrassing video of nation surfaces on internet
tape dispensed
boy scouts celebrate proud history of preparing teens for not having cool friends
chase ceo giving commencement speech pledges to double whole class’s student loan debt
shameful: barack obama skipped my father’s funeral to go golfing
late night host eviscerates journalism industry for existing even though his show already does
ditch the personal trainer: 5 pretty bad stretches you can do at home
old lady at parade flapping little american flag like a motherfucker
old faithful brutally beaten to death by group of teens
wife kept up all night by kevin garnett talking trash in sleep
area sorority girl concerned about war and stuff
‘my goal is to become so great at snowboarding that christopher meloni is referred to as the chloe kim of acting’: 5 questions with chloe kim
7 of hillary’s stances that could come back to haunt her
controversial theory suggests aliens may have built ancient egypt's intergalactic spaceport
mike pence visits small town hit hard by kids seeing r-rated movies
museum staff braces for large group wearing same t-shirt
biggest guy in prison tired of every new inmate beating shit out of him on their first day
white house denied third mortgage
woman who has been let down by so many leave-in conditioners can't bear to put herself out there again
'the voice' amends rules to allow votes from those who aren't white landowning males
police report: sexual assault numbers under control, unless you count the super brutal ones
nation’s parents announce they have zero fucking patience for this bullshit
activists petition cupcake kingdom to address adorable housing crisis
chloe kim recalls growing up under parents' intense pressure to just chillax and shred the gnar gnar
5 things to know about ‘shazam’
life: 8 ways to make your mom’s birthday party at great clips as magical as possible
dad not going to pay someone to fix marriage when he can do it himself
man hates it when trailer gives away entire premise of movie
first kid to wake up at slumber party gets exclusive look at friend’s mom’s morning routine
trump: ‘i remember flying the plane that bombed the uss arizona during pearl harbor’
meredith vieira's today show debut marked by uncomfortable hour-long silence
many native americans still hold traditional beliefs about white man
bill gates finally getting into radiohead's kid a
news: internet ftw: someone photoshopped a gazelle next to donald trump, and it’s going viral under the assumption that it takes him down in some way
pence relaxes onstage by imagining entire debate audience burning in hell
either someone 14th caller or everything on fire at spanish radio station
they said what?!: find out what tim cook, tobey maguire, and wolfgang puck have to say
‘hey you, want to be a federal judge?’ says mitch mcconnell pointing to valet in heritage foundation parking lot
cat who seems a little grumpy today dying of esophageal cancer
pigeon feels silly about still being a little scared of plastic owl
newly released female iraqi prisoners offered playboy spread
moderator sternly issues final warning for tim kaine to stop playing with microphone
nation's sleep experts recommend cutting down on strobe light before bedtime
new wheelchair has that 'new wheelchair' smell
nation's prospective college applicants go straight to princeton review's 'best college radio station' rankings
demoted cop unsure why desk job considered punishment
this amazing new product called ‘monocle glue’ ensures your monocle won’t go flying off your face when your daughter tells you she’s marrying a commoner
storybook romance leads to in-flight-magazine marriage
elderly woman applying makeup most heartbreaking thing on earth
life: ah, fuck: these waterfalls are 100 percent beef
school surprised to learn student committed suicide over pressures of intro to communications
5 times harry potter used an unplugged 6-outlet power strip as a wand and mumbled ‘louie anderson’ instead of a spell, ranked by how fucked up the results were
chuck grassley voted against mlk day due to foreseeing how everyone would dishonor king's memory
bp ceo: 'we deeply regret the tragic loss of $4.5 billion'
man hates being put in position where he has to think, feel, or act
new law requires women to name baby, paint nursery before getting abortion
china slaughters population to control flu outbreak
life: fuck it: let’s rank the religions
bunch of people apparently saw that brendan fraser mummy movie
captor, captive have different senses of humor
world hunger: can new frito-lay zestitos solve the problem?
distraught mueller burns every piece of evidence in case after hearing trump's critique of u.s. intelligence community
the onion’s legal analysts have completed their official count of how many pages are in the mueller report
macaulay culkin hoping some 'funny or die' writer comes up with video idea for him
trump claims waterboarding doesn't come close to the excruciating torment he experiences at every moment
historical archives: a jest for you
tina yothers fantasy camp files for bankruptcy
ex-girlfriend's last electric-bill check remains uncashed in area man's wallet
heartbreaking: this buck-toothed gorilla is too dumb-looking to ever scare poachers away from his children
frustrated writer tosses another crumpled-up laptop in trash can
the gay rights movement in america: a timeline
news: hope for the gop: a nude paul ryan has just emerged from an ayahuasca tent with visions of a new republican party
medical mystery: this woman has seen dozens of doctors and none of them can tell her why she feels totally fine right now
news: major threat: the jeans from ‘the sisterhood of the traveling pants’ have been intercepted by isis
life: her final christmas? grandma’s looking pretty checked out this year
high school student, teacher applying for same summer waitressing job
advertiser reaches out to youth with off-set, mixed-typography font
hillary clinton waiting in wings of stage since 6 a.m. for dnc speech
trump vows to bring back ohio town's white castle
man in break room can still hear time clock ticking loudly
life unfair
bush to lovely chilean ambassador:'i must paint you'
notre dame scandalized after booster caught offering plenary indulgences
man competitive about how depressed he is
castro leaves hospital two years younger, four inches taller